Magic Knight Rayearth/魔法騎士レイアース 1. Prologue

_"Your heart just breaks, that's all. But you can't judge or point fingers. You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you." - Audrey Hepburn_

A/N: Hello! I am back after a long hiatus. If you enjoyed Mirrored Vision and Lullaby, this new story is related to them. This is a musing on relationships based on the manga and in my imagined Autozam. I hope you'll enjoy it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Rayearth or the quote above.

Prologue

Eagle nodded and smiled in response to the well-wishes and congratulations offered by his guests. Politely excusing himself from their company as he strode across the ballroom, he mentally recited his plan. Geo and Zazu would entertain the party and he would return to his room to change into a new dress shirt. It will not take long. He will back with plenty of time before the official announcement of his engagement.

He finally made it out into the corridor and climbed the steps at a rhythmic pace, reflecting that one of the grandest moments of his life would be taking place in less than an hour. His feet touched the landing. There, he paused and studied the corridor before him. He had seen it almost every day of his life for twelve years, yet it now seemed to grow and loom above him. The world was bigger and greater now that he saw himself with someone he could call his own.

Slipping into his bedroom, he quickly threw off the wine-stained shirt and pulled on a crisp one. He checked his appearance in the mirror before exiting. The melancholy, pale, and sickly figure of the previous year was replaced with the image of a jovial and healthy young man. This would be a new year in stark contrast to the last.

He walked back through the sliding door and reentered the corridor, making his mind to take the long way back. As he passed a window at the southern wing, he noticed something pale and silvery moving outside across the garden. That familiar stride… He knew exactly who it belonged to.

He raced down the stairs and onto the balcony leading to the garden, nearly running into an elderly couple—one of the senators and his wife. He bowed in apology. "Not at all," the senator responded genially, steering his wife in the other direction.

Eagle descended the steps and strode through the trees, emerging before the stone gazebo. Surely enough, she was there. Her curly, blonde hair danced with the wind against her back. "I thought I'd find you here," he said.

She jolted and turned around, not expecting him. He smiled. "I haven't seen you in a while," he said, walking toward her. "We didn't even get a chance to catch up earlier. You left so quickly." She grinned and looked down, brushing her left brow. "You looked occupied," she answered quietly. He knew that wasn't the case.

"Come," he said, extending his hand and gesturing to the steps where they used to sit. She accepted it cautiously and followed him to the edge of the gazebo. They sat on the highest level and stared ahead at the clearing beyond them. The moon was full and its light trailed across the garden, illuminating some areas and hiding in others. He stole a glance at her and gently bumped his head against hers, breaking the silence.

"Hey!" she laughed, giving him a skeptical look, before shortly composing herself and diverting her eyes. She did not want to look at him. He felt a little tinge of hurt. It's become like this now…

She uttered a nervous laugh and sighed heavily. He looked over and met her eyes. "Congratulations," she said, with some effort, "to you both. I wish you every happiness." He noticed that her eyes were brighter than they were a moment ago. She smiled and brushed the edge of her eye. "I'm sorry I didn't say so earlier."

"Thank you," he replied, smiling and watching her intently. "I'm happy to have your blessing." She bit her lip and clasped her hands, as if holding something back. "What is it?" he asked. Her lips parted and then closed again. He nodded encouragingly. She looked up and peered at him helplessly.

"'I love you'." Those were her words. Eagle breathed out slowly, aware that she was watching him very closely. "I know. Thank you," he said quietly, knowing that there was no avoiding it. "But—" Before he could say it, she nodded. His heart dropped as she wiped her eyes on the back of her hand and attempted an understanding smile. He took her hand and squeezed it. "I should head back," he whispered. "Yeah," she agreed.

They straightened up and walked to the other side of the gazebo. He did not want to leave things they way they were. Facing her, he asked playfully, "We're still good friends, right?" She let out a small laugh, "Yes, of course." He drew her against him and she wound her arms about his neck. It was a bittersweet goodbye.

As they slowly let go of one another, she wiped her eyes and smiled. "I'm so happy for you," she whispered, her voice shaking. He thanked her a last time and departed down the steps and away from the gazebo.

With each step, his legs felt heavier and weighed down. He stopped before the trees and turned back. She stood in the same place, unmoving and with her arms braced around her. Her sad, dark blue eyes watched him intensely, not faltering. Before he knew it, he was standing less than a foot from her.

He reached for her face and pulled her in. Her soft lips pressed against his. As they embraced each other, he lost awareness of time or space. What was happening before or what would happen later faded away into the background. His heart felt full of some fluttery feeling.

"Eagle!" That voice, he thought, regaining a sense of his surroundings. "Eagle, are you out here?"

He quickly pulled away. He was getting engaged…tonight…at this very instant. Eagle stared at the woman beside him. She watched him with a mixture of anxiety and hurt. It all came back to him instantly. He was just supposed to change and return to the ballroom. What had he done? "I'm sorry," he said, stepping backwards. "I'm sorry."

She remained speechless. He turned around and strode as quickly as his legs would take him toward the direction of the voice. He needed to get back as soon as possible. He shook his head, trying to erase the imprint of her eyes from his mind.

As he left the gazebo and the scene behind, the young woman watched his figure grow smaller until it disappeared into the trees. She stood motionless for another moment, before pulling the hem of her dress above her knees and running in the opposite direction, away from the manor.

A/N: Thanks for reading!


	2. Run

Her POV - Run

The last time I wondered when I would return to the South, I never fathomed it would be like this. It's over. Everything is over. Just like that—gone. I can hardly believe it.

Twenty-four hours ago, I was at the Capitol and now I'm here, in my old apartment. Huh, it's almost funny how it happened—almost as if in a drama. Except in the drama, the guy comes running after for the girl. In my story, that's not what happened.

I set my bags down beside the door. Part of me knows this is true but I cannot seem to wrap my mind around this. My head is pounding, my eyes hurt, I feel as if I can barely breathe. I wonder across the small living room, past the familiar and barren kitchen where ghosts of better days danced before my eyes. My room... _My _room is behind the door on the left. I hesitate a moment before tapping it open and breathe a heavy sigh at the darkness before me.

Single bed, white linens, my old vanity... I turn away before I can glimpse at the mirror. I don't want to see what is reflected in it.

I cannot stop sighing at the pitiful mess that I am, but I know I cannot sit on this bed all day, for the rest of my life. Two hours must have passed of me sitting here. I have decided that I will make the best of it and try to move on.

I make my way back to the front door and begin unloading the suitcases and bags. As I sit among my possessions, I realize that I had made a rash decision running away. I was so set on leaving as quickly as I could and did not bother to bring many useful things from the suite. Well, this is disheartening but there's not much else I can do. I'll just put up what I have.

Yes, I tell myself as I set up old photographs of mom and dad, this is nothing new. I can do this, I will be all right, I can make it... I feel so dead and tired and heavy, but I must keep moving.

-o-

It's morning. I can sense the gray light from the window but I feel so, so paralyzed. Day three of what I believe is my new life. I push the covers away and sit on the edge of the bed. I must stop sighing.

I shower and dress in uniform for my new old job at the diner. I take the subway to the other side of town. It is barely seven when I arrive for my first day. I come in through the backdoor and punch in my arrival time.

Pulling an apron on and with an order pad and pen in hand, I begin taking orders for the morning. The work is fast-paced and I hardly have time to think of myself or anyone else. In and out, back and forth, I move throughout the day until it is past seven in the evening.

I punch in my card before I leave. My manager catches me before I go, compliments me on my work performance, and bids me goodbye until the next morning. I thank him and feel warmth rising in me as my lips tug upward. I nod and exit through the back, thinking all the while that the day was not so bad. Another few days and it will be a week. I find that, after a week or so, the pain dulls. Soon, it will be as if it never happened. One can hope...

-o-

I have gotten used to my mundane life back in my hometown. Day in, day out, people follow the same, familiar routine for the most, if not the rest, of their lives. Few aspire to move or leave the trades that they were born into. In general, the South consists of a conservative population. Citizens of this region are more concerned about their present livelihoods and do not set much store by what goes on in the Capitol or the other three regions. It is only in the case of something substantially related to the economy that the populace diverts its attention from its usual business. At least, that was how I remembered the South and that was what I have believed until now.

Something is different this morning. I can feel eyes on me as I ride the subway. There are whispers behind my back and some before me. The customers aren't as discrete either. Some point in my direction and others ask me if I am the girl in the papers. My heart dropped. Papers? I apologize and say that I've forgotten something in the kitchen.

From bits and pieces of what I've heard, it seems that some pictures were released just last evening and I am in them. The tabloids recount that, on the night of his engagement party to a well- known socialite, Eagle had left his assembly of guests at the president's estate and snuck out to meet a woman who was not his intended. The couple was photographed embracing and kissing and their secret rendezvous was reported to have taken place just before _the _official engagement was announced. The woman was identified as his former bodyguard and...

My boss claps his hand on my shoulder and gives me a well-meaning look. I nod and head back out with the orders, passing smirking coworkers on the way. The rest of the day is followed by teasing, inquiring looks, and highly animated conversations that end abruptly as I draw near. I am allowed to leave early, when it has become clear that people had more interest in confirming their suspicions of me rather than dining. The days come and go in very much the same fashion.

-o-

"_I'm sorry." _

I wake to the wet trickles making their way down my cheeks and chin. I wipe them away with the back of my hand and sit up. It's like a recurring nightmare that won't go away.

My breath shudders. I see the moonlight and feel the warmth leave my hands once again. His face in horror as he backed away... No, I need to stop. I can't think of this anymore.

And I have work to do.


	3. Hushed Changes

His POV - Hush

"And after brunch with my parents is our photo shoot. I hope they have the floral arrangements exactly as I've requested them. Our last venue was so drab. I was so embarrassed to admit that I was the host..."

"_I love you." _Her voice cracks... I'm sorry, Mika. She nods, wipes her eyes on the back of her hand, and attempts an understanding smile. I wish you wouldn't look at me like that...

"Eagle!" someone calls me. Reina eyes me suspiciously. "Have you heard a word I said?" she asks. I smile and respond about the photo shoot and floral arrangements, yet she looks unsatisfied. "You...don't seem yourself." Here we go again...

After listening to my fiancee share her thoughts and constructive criticism, I pull her toward me and kiss her forehead. She hugs me tightly at the chest. It's my fault we're in this situation now. A little over a month has passed since the tabloids were released about that night and we still have not managed to move past it.

She peers at me with her large, hazel eyes, and tiptoes up for a kiss. She is more stressed than usual. I have been trying to win her trust again but the new rumors circulating around do not help.

When I think about the last time I met Mika, I can't make sense of what came over me. I had not seen or spoken to her for two months prior to the engagement party. She had such a dejected and pitiful look about her that I felt obligated to sit with her a while. I know she loved me... I told her that I could not return her feelings...

So how did it all happen? I had made up my mind to return to the party soon after. Instead, I stayed and the whole world learned the next morning what had taken place at the gazebo. Her wide eyes are fixed in my mind. I can't escape the look she gave me as I walked away.

Any attempts to clear up the matter and appease everyone have been futile. My mother has been very insistent about Reina and me spending as much time together as possible and impatient whenever the unfortunate topic arises. Geo is still slightly angry and displeased with my actions; he and Mika were close friends and she hasn't been in contact with him either. We don't know where she has disappeared to. When I tried calling to apologize, the call would not go through. We can't seem to track her anywhere. I can only hope that she is untroubled by the media and gossip. She is strong. She can weather this.

Reina pulls away and picks her purse off of the table. She is annoyed. I know my reservation is feeding her doubts. On the other hand, when I give her more attention, she shuts me out. I cannot win. I'm at a loss of what to do.

Her POV - Changes

I drop onto the bed. I am so tired. My neck, arms, and legs ache. I close my eyes. At least today was not so bad. My supervisor had taken it upon himself to assert that I am not the same person that is mentioned in the news. I merely resemble her.

I am not used to having my hair so short. It's been ages since I last cut it, but I feel a little liberated. It's a nice change. I feel as if I have left some of the weight of the past behind me.

It's been five weeks now since I left. I don't have the courage to repeat the experience in its

entirety, but I can say that it almost feels like nothing. Sometimes I wonder if it really happened...

Yes, it happened. I am reminded everyday by the media—new developments concerning the engaged celebrities. The teens and young adults loyally follow the gossip and trends that they advertise. Everyone wants to be like _her_, everyone wants to be like _him_, because they were ordinary people who became extraordinary idols. The South is opening up, which is good in some sense. Environmental concerns are being addressed and redressed and there is more extensive networking happening. The South is changing with the times.

The only problem I see is an increase of intrusion into private matters. It is significantly growing more and more dramatic. Being an ordinary person myself who appeared all over the headlines a year ago, and being as I am now, I think I am viewed as a failed representative by my people.

But I'm hanging in there. And things are looking up. I have a stable job, to say the least... My old landlady is nice, and two coworkers were kind to me today. Emmy and Damon, those were their names. I think they're opening up to me, now that the rumors have died down. I've faded out of fame and somewhat out of disgrace. Now, I'm not newsworthy to talk about, to which I cannot say that I am particularly opposed.

Emmy seems sweet and she has asked if I would like to hang out sometime. Secretly, I think she is curious about the story from my point of view. Unfortunately, I don't believe I am ready to confide in anyone just yet. As for Damon, he's a bit reserved but he seems like a nice guy. He helped me close up a few times during our late shifts... It would be nice to have some friends again.

I watch the lights of passing cars through the window. Another day done.

-o-

Beep beep beep.

I groan and hit the snooze button. How I despise that sound.

I brush my teeth and think of last night's events. My two coworkers and I went to a late movie. I can't be sure, but I think that Emmy likes Damon...and that, perhaps, I was sitting in the wrong seat. Damon shared his opinions with me throughout the movie and Emmy probably missed the interaction. I rinse my mouth and get dressed. I have an early shift to cover because one of the girls fell ill.

I take the subway as I normally do when I hear a familiar male voice. Panic rises within me. My breathing is constricted and my body tenses. Then, I hear a commentary and realize that it is a newscast. I breathe a sigh of relief but now I cannot tear my eyes from the screen and the person featured in it.

Who knows if it is a rumor or if it is true, but _he _is still going to marry Reina despite the erupted scandal from two months ago. And I have brought this gloom upon myself again... It feels as if I have a dart through me. I know it's my own fault. Much as I would like to say otherwise, I have been entertaining the wishful thought that he might try to come back into contact with me.

Of course, I have taken the necessary measures to ensure that he is not able to pinpoint my location. I no longer use anything that contains a tracking device or requires an input of an identification number. In addition, our region is not presently utilizing many applications that automatically submit our information or activities. My status is latent, by government records, because

I have taken my mother's surname. The only other person I know who can look me up by that name is Corolla and I'm pretty sure she prefers that I remain unfound.

I now have a chance to start over. I can go back to being what I was before an agent. I can be invisible to public scrutiny and a...nobody. The great thing about being a nobody is that you can learn to love yourself when no one else does.

The train stops at my familiar stop and I descend.


	4. Speak

His POV - Speak

I enter the room after Reina. We situate ourselves on the couch as our counselor preps her notepad and our individual pre-assessments for today's session. Couples' therapy... How did it come to this?

The first prompt reads: "Mark the place on the line that symbolizes how you feel today." It's a plain line with no numbers, just brackets at the end. I mark the space somewhere halfway. My fiancee's mark on her form is slightly further from the initiation point than mine. The next 9 prompts are seemingly redundant; they rephrase a couple of the same questions differently.

What happened to that confident and unaffected girl that I fell for? Oh, Reina. What will it take for you to trust me again? I've told you everything. Nothing happened that night aside from the kiss. The tabloids will distort and shout what they will but they know nothing. I turn our forms in and sit back.

We were just childhood friends... My former bodyguard's face flashes in my mind. We never were more than that and, yet, I have the nagging feeling that I ill-used her. I led her on through my own negligence and I am sorry. Is it so bad to want to fix what I've done?

"This is what I'm talking about, Dr.," sighs Reina. "He's not all there. We could be having a casual conversation or be out at an event and he just goes off in space." Her voice is growing shrill. "... it's like there's always _something_...on his mind." I open my mouth to speak, but the good doctor signals that it is currently my turn to listen.

Well, why not? There is nothing more that I can say that will not be redirected at me. I am beginning to worry that this jealousy and resentment will continue on, even after we're married.

-o-

"She's just stressed by the media and the wedding arrangements, darling," my mother reminds me. I can empathize but what more can I do? "You can't change how she is," she continues. "What is done is done. The most you can do for her now is be by her side and let her sort out her insecurities." I thank my mother for her advice and wander into the hall.

I spy Geo approaching from the opposite direction. He waves me over and we exchange pleasantries. I can count on Geo to not stay angry for long. We head out for the cafe where we will be meeting Zazu, exchanging thoughts and possible resolutions for my predicament. His advice is very similar to my mother's.

We take a shuttle to the cafe and arrive at the cafe shortly. Zazu has grown about six inches since I last saw him and now stands between Geo and me in height. We order three cups of coffee and sit back in our booth as Zazu shares his good news with us.

He has decided to stay and accept an offer to work at the capitol as the head of technology. Geo lets out a triumphant yell, goes around the table, and seizes Zazu into a bone-crushing hug. I clap Zazu on the back and congratulate him. He beams. The three of us will be working together again: Zazu in IT, Geo in security, and I as ambassador. Two of my best friends. I haven't felt so happy in a long time.

With many eyes on us, we sit back down and catch up on lost time. Zazu tells us about his work in the West, his romantic tragedy, and his easy transition back to his home region. "You can't escape

it," he muses fondly, "This is where it all is—the leader and center of all advancements." Geo concedes but applauds his home, the West, as the guardian of peace who originally made unity of the four regions possible. "So let's not forget who the real hero is," Geo adds, smugly. Zazu counters with another historical fact about Autozam's past and the two of them engage in a witty argument—just like old times.

I ponder about the South. I still do not know much about it, despite it being my origin. We've only visited once since moving...

"So how's your fiancee, Eagle?" asks Zazu. Geo eyes me warily. "She's...well," I reply. I don't like keeping things from my friends and I realize that I have not been very open with them. Yet, I cannot think of any other way to describe her that would not raise awkwardness. This is not a good setting to divulge the details of my private life. "Okay," Zazu says and changes the subject.

-o-

"Well, that was nice," says Geo, folding his arms behind his head. "It's been a while since the three of us met. Kid has really grown up, hasn't he?" I agree. Zazu has received much distinction for someone his age. I sometimes have trouble believing that he was only fifteen when we first started working together.

Geo takes a left at the fork in the corridor and reminds me that we are taking Zazu out for dinner later tonight. I wave goodbye and head home.

-o-

"She won't return." This is my mother's voice.

"But what if they are secretly keeping in touch?" And this is Reina. "She could still be here. She's friends with Geo. I'm sure he's covering up for her."

I let go of the doorknob and stop behind the door to listen. Are they speaking of her? Mother and Reina are in the drawing room, peering over pages from the tabloids.

"You mustn't believe everything that appears in the media, dear."

"It was the media that found them out," Reina says pointedly.

I can hear irritation in my mother's voice. We're all stressed out about the topic, which has resurfaced as the wedding date edges closer. "I've already told you many times," she articulates slowly, "that she is no longer here at the Capitol." She holds up a hand to silence any interruption. "I know for a fact where she is and we will drop the subject _now_." This whole time, when I have been trying to make amends, she kept Mika's whereabouts from me.

Yelling erupts. Reina demands to know the source of her information. "Tell me," she repeats. "Why are you hiding her? You know it was all her fault!" But that is not true.

"It wasn't her fault," I say, pushing open the door and entering. My mother asks how much had I heard, but this query is unimportant at the moment. "She didn't have anything to do with it, Reina." My mother leaves us to our quarrel.

Yes, I am defending her again because I am the one to blame, as it was I who sought her out. It

was all a mess and I fell in love with you before she fell out of love with me. I was moved by her love, but I returned to you in the end because I considered myself bound to you.

Tears.

I place my hands on her shoulders and look into her eyes. "Reina," I whisper. "We have to stop this. We have to stop." She grimaces at me and looks away. "This is destroying our relationship. We need to move past this if we want a shot at being happy together. You need to accept that what I'm telling you is the truth." She's not listening. I guess there is no avoiding it. I loosen my grip on her shoulders and let them fall to my sides. "There is nothing else I can do that I'm not already doing now. You just have to trust me or..." A drop trails down her face. It's killing me to see her like this. I feel a lump rise in my throat as I continue, "...or this isn't going to work."

At first, she doesn't say anything. Finally, she faces me and says, "I'm done."

I watch her storm out of the room. It's done... I sink into a chair and watch the fire crackle in the fireplace. We're done.


	5. Drama

Drama

His POV

It's been nine days since my ex-fiancee broke off our engagement. I expect to hear news of it in the press soon; we've managed to keep it a secret for the time being.

"Eagle," calls Geo from behind my door. It's nearly time to head out. I button up my blazer as he enters. "Are you ready?" he asks. I smile and respond that I am as ready as I'll ever be.

Geo doesn't smile back. He puts a hand on my shoulder and asks how I am faring today. I am grateful to have him as a friend. In fact, I don't know how I'd be able to weather this current drama without him. At the same time, I sometimes despise how he can see straight through me and mirrors my emotions in his demeanor. There is no use in denying it. I am, I will admit, disappointed. I miss her. I have not felt this dreadful in so long. We've only been engaged for a little less than five months. All of the plans we had made…

Geo disrupts my thoughts by running a comb through my hair. "Ambassadors do not appear in public with bedhead," he chastises me. I laugh. He's fussing over me again. It feels nostalgically like old times when I was the commander of the NSX and he was my second-in-command.

We head downstairs where the car is waiting. My father is delivering a speech on his new plans for the reconstruction of the South and Geo and I are expected. It is very likely that we will receive an assignment in that region.

I think of my friend and recall that dark period when my health failed and I grappled with the thought of losing Hikaru. All of those nights she stayed up with me, how she pulled me out of trouble and back to my senses, how she encouraged me to live on when I was ready to give in… It was nice to have someone there to offer perspective, someone to hold you up when you're too weak and down to catch yourself. I can't believe she has hidden away so well. I look at Geo and wonder if he had a hand in hiding her, but there has been no indication that he has been in contact with her.

As if in answer to my thoughts, Geo closes his eyes and leans his head against the window. There has been no trace of her. Nothing from her suite shows any signs of where she was heading. She's hidden her tracks very well.

I sigh. There is no surprise there. She knew enough about people and our system to thwart it. We are too reliant on technology that we don't really know how to proceed when it is not involved. But I can't help thinking that there has to be some way to locate her. She must be under an alias—there can be no other explanation. We've tried all combinations of her name, but to no avail. Mother won't disclose what she knows.

"We're here," announced Geo, glancing outside. The doors open and we descend to a myriad of flashing lights and questionnaires, some of which were unrelated to today's event and focused more on my "relationship."

"No comment," I say, walking past them. Our bodyguards block any reporters from approaching us as we head to take our seats on the stage. Banners and a light, gray sky—it's a good day for a speech.

-o-

I pull off my blazer and change before collapsing onto my bed. Why does it feel like I am powerless to change what is around me? I fall asleep for what seems like a minute before I am awaken my a gentle stirring.

"Hello, dear," said my mother wistfully. I ask her what is wrong and why she looks so unnerved. "I have just heard from Reina," she informs me. My heart races at the sound of her name and I sit up. "She is planning on coming by at five this afternoon to speak to you. I have an idea of what her visit may be about and…" She looks at me, intently. "I think it would be in your best interests to stop the search for your former bodyguard and salvage your relationship." I look away. "If you will just give up Mika, you and Reina can both move on. Have you forgotten that you loved her?"

I tell her that is not it. I have not forgotten, but I have a duty to myself and to others. I have made up my mind to do what is right and I will pursue it. I was friends with Mika long before Reina had entered the picture. She took care of me, despite how difficult I had become.

"Where is she, Mother?" I ask her, half-expecting an answer and half-prepared for a diversion; I received the latter. I sigh and get out of bed. I'm growing tired of feeling useless. She stands and follows me to the window. "Have you forgotten that you loved that little girl and her mother?" I ask, turning around to face her.

She averts her eyes and grimaces. "We were close enough to be sisters," she replies quietly. "And I've taken her child in, I watched over her… I gave her a chance for a new future." Her voice grows hard and loud. "She threw it all away. She could have made something of herself, but what kind of person has she revealed herself to be? She let you get yourself in all of these complications in the last year and then comes around and creates a scandal. I thought moving her to another position would help your chances with Reina and mend your heart." Her eyes well up and she braces my forearms. "You were so…broken after Lantis and that girl left. Do you think any mother can stand around and watch her child deteriorate little by little each day?"

I feel a lump rise in my throat and I embrace my mother. She shudders against me as I pat her back gently and wait for her sobs to subside. I don't want to hurt her anymore than she already has been. I don't want anyone else to hurt because of me, which is why I am serious in my resolve to make amends.

"Mom," I say, laying my hand over hers. "I know you love me and that's likely why you went to such lengths to involve yourself in my relationships." She nods. "But you have to let me decide for myself and respect my decisions." I contemplate my next words before telling her directly and as gently as I can, "It wasn't Mika's job to shelter me and it's not your job to fix my life." She looks ready to rebut my statement. "Let me take responsibility for my actions." She wipes her eyes.

"I will see Reina this afternoon," I inform her, "but I will not give up my friend."

Mother pulls her hands away and demands to know why. "Eagle, you are willing to sacrifice your happiness on a principle." I nod and head for the door. I need some air. She catches my arm and blocks my path. "She left of her own accord. What good will it do to bring her back here?"

"I intend to help her regain what she has lost," I answer, walking around her. "I can't leave her to pick up the pieces on her own. The whole situation was bad enough that she felt she needed to leave behind her friends and livelihood to escape."

Just as I reach the door, my mother says something that makes me stop in my tracks. "She ran away because of you," she says finally. "There is nothing left for her here. You never loved her. What you had for her was pity and she lingered here because of it. She knew you cared for her and she worked it to her own advantage. It was an unhealthy relationship and I am sorry to have brought you two together." She walks past me and up to the door. Before stepping out, she looks at me sternly, adding, "Reina has her faults, as we all do, but she is your match. It is better that you don't know where Mika is, so that you both can move on." The door slides shut and I am left alone to ponder the meaning of her words.

It's true. I do feel motivated by some pity and an extraordinary amount of guilt…but there is something more that I have a hard time articulating. I want to see her and be with her. I would like to know that she is well. Is that not what good friends do? Perhaps I also want assurance that she is not suffering in order to ease my own conscience.

My thoughts wander to the first time I saw her cry. We were in Cephiro and she was sitting on the ground, legs drawn up against her chest. _"Being stupid,"_ she murmured, in the midst of wiping her eyes with her palm.

…A blush crept across her cheeks as I strapped her in the FTO. _"I can wait,"_ she said, peering at me and gently squeezing my hands.

Her laughter rings in my mind. Those inadvertent stares, hopeful eyes, embarrassed grins… I pretended not to notice because I was afraid of losing what we had and afraid of falling again without being able to get back up.

That last night I saw her, she tried so hard to fake a smile. _"I'm so happy for you." _She couldn't even say it clearly…

I feel a stirring in my chest. It was badly done. I had grown fond of her since our first reunion, but I've always held her at an arm's length when she got too close. Regrettably, I was not as careful with my own approaches. I can't move on until I know that she is okay and that I've done everything in my power to reconcile with her.

My head begins to ache. I glance at the clock on my wall. Reina will be here in less than an hour. It may be a good idea to take a longer nap until she arrives.

-o-

I enter the drawing room. Reina's back is to me. She turns around at the sound of my footsteps on the floor. I stop about two feet from her, my heart pounding violently in my chest. "Hey," I tell her. She returns my greeting with a short, "Hi."

I invite her to sit. She takes a seat in an armchair and we begin with small talk about how the day was spent in our respective shoes. She keeps her eyes averted and wrings her tiny hands in her lap. How strange it is that we used to talk so easily and now it all seems forced. Our conversation eventually fades into silence. I have to fight the urge to approach her…

"I really fell for you," she began, glancing upwards at me. "I tried so, so hard to get you to love me." She lets out a small laugh and brushes her hair back. "When we first met, I went through the trouble of asking around to learn what you like and to try to like the same things. And later, when we were together, I rejected several contracts just so I could stay here with you. I've sacrificed so much of my career, my dreams, time and effort for you—do you not realize that?" Her brows knit together and her hands clench into fists. "What more do you want me to do?" I keep silent, because I can sense that she still has more to say. "I've tried for the last five months to put the past behind us, but you keep allowing her to stay. I don't want to live in her shadow."

I sigh. It looks like we're at the end of the line. I grip the arms of my chair with my fingers to stop myself from coming over to her. We have to make a decision now or we'll be operating on an emotional basis again.

"Reina," I say. "I am aware of what you've given up for us, for me, and I am grateful for it all. I am sorry to have repaid you the way I did…but you must know that I am loyal to you and you are never in her shadow." She bites her lip and narrows her eyes, squinting back tears. "Nonetheless, this issue with my…friend is something I want to settle properly. I can give up just about anything to be with you. I could move away with you right now but I cannot and will not give up my friends who, too, have sacrificed much for my sake. I owe them more than that."

"I'm only asking you to give up one!" she sobs. "Am I not enough? Why can't you respect my feelings? Why can't you do this one thing for me?"

I leave my seat and crouch down beside her. "I love you and I love my friends. I choose to remain loyal to you, but love is not exclusive. I would not ask you to give up everyone else who matters to you because I know I alone cannot make you happy. You still need your mother and father, your costars, and your companions, don't you?" I pat her head as she finishes crying.

In the end, we decide that it is best for us both to go our separate ways. I kiss her forehead and give her a last embrace before she leaves. The room feels unnaturally silence and dark with her absence.

My heart hurts.

I pull out my mobile and call Geo. His jocund voice greets me. "I'm coming over," I speak into the receiver.

"Oh," he says, in a knowing tone. "Is there anything wrong?"

"I'll tell you later."

"All right," he says after a pause. "Drive safe."

Her POV

Today was one of those exceptionally long and fast-paced days. Damon and I close up late again. I have a sense that he wants to tell me something and it makes me nervous. Normally, we don't have trouble talking but this evening's conversation seems very mechanical. After he locks the front entrance, we start in the direction of the subway like we did on more than one occasion. There is a wait of fifteen minutes before the next train arrives, so we sit under the bench and watch the cars zoom across the overpass. The lights are beautiful.

Damon utters something and breaks the silence. I look at him, not knowing how to respond. "Will you go out with me?" he asks again, staring at me intently. I feel very cold. We have become such good friends. I do not want to jeopardize our friendship with this. And what's more, Emmy is infatuated with Damon. She will be heartbroken if she knows what he has just asked me.

"I know you've been going through a rough time," he says. I nod hesitantly. "…with everything that's happened." He leans towards me, not averting his gaze. "But I want you to know that I'll be here for you, whenever you need me," he finishes.

I slowly exhale. "I need time to think," I breathe.

He was apparently holding his breath, too. A sign of relief shows on his features and he smiles lightly. All the while, I worry about what I have just said. There is no need to think. I am not ready for a relationship. And, even if I am, I certainly feel very…treacherous. Emmy's image continues to manifest itself in my mind.

He begins to talk of his desire to join the military. The military? I was in the military, not too long ago. I ask him what his reason is and the awkwardness between us dissipates. We are friends again, thank goodness. We smile, laugh, and joke candidly as we board the train and wait for our last stop.

The air tenses right after we leave the station. Damon walks me to my apartment and waits as I unlock the door. He says he wants to make sure I get in safely before he goes. He is such a gentleman and I'd hate to hurt him in any way. The door slides open and I turn around to say good night. For a split second, I imagined I was seeing someone else… He watches me for a second, as if waiting to hear more, then nods and bids me sweet dreams before turning for the stairs.

I slip through the doorway and lock up. Oh, I'm in trouble…

-o-

I have been contemplating how to respond to Damon and how to appease Emmy all week. It turns out that Damon related to Emmy his plans to court me and she has been dejected and a little reluctant to talk to me ever since. I finally resolved to speak with each separately yesterday, after work. Damon received my decision after he dropped me off at home and Emmy came over, as scheduled, an hour after I arrived at my apartment.

I feel like the worse person in the world for letting Damon down when he has been so kind and helpful to me before. He is the first friend I have had in what seems like a long while. Emmy, on the other hand, received the news a little kindlier and cheerier. I think she still feels some prejudice against me, but she seems appreciative that I respected her feelings for Damon.

I punch in my arrival time and take up my apron. I can see Damon in my peripheral. He glances at me and nods before turning away. My heart drops. I didn't want things to turn out like this…

-o-

Emmy holds her mug of tea gingerly as she settles onto the couch beside me. I have been guiltily obliged to help her on her mission to win my probably former friend's affection. I do hope we are still friends. He has been very curt with me in the last one and a half weeks. We have spoken very little besides food orders and closing. He still walks me home and I try to bring up other subjects to strike up conversation, but I can tell he is not in the humor. I'm afraid I don't know how to keep friends anymore…

I think of Geo who became like a brother to me… I've been avoiding him since the incident…

I will hold out for any possibility of being reconciled with Damon. For now, I think it may be best just to give him some room.

-o-

The next morning, I rub my eyes and sit up on the bed. I dreamt of Eagle again... My heart has this throbbing feeling at the thought of his name.

I don't know why these dreams are suddenly recurring. I thought that I was finally successful at repressing my thoughts of him. I've been keeping myself so busy these last couple of days so that I wouldn't have any time to ponder about love and my lack thereof. Then again, they say that whatever you repress in your consciousness can manifest itself in your subconscious. It also doesn't help that I have to listen to my friend's hopes for getting together with our mutual friend. Must be nice to have those hopes again.

I recall those flighty, nonsensical feelings of infatuation-the jumpiness, the countless hours devoted to daydreams, the sudden self-consciousness to appear desirable, that ecstasy and breathlessness when he utters your name...

I sit for a moment with my hands in my lap. In my mind, I can picture his laughing face. For the first time since I've run away, I can smile without tearing up. Maybe it's because I have encountered him in my dreams and we were doing well. The dream Eagle may not be the real Eagle, but it gives me some hope that I can move on from him. Whether I can fully let my feelings for him go is another question, but peace with myself is a first step.

I sigh. I have the morning shift off. What do I do with myself for a whole day?

-o-

Oh my dear friend, I am so glad we are in accord again. I lock the door behind me and collapse on the couch. Damon has forgiven me! I lost it and rambled about how much I appreciated his friendship and didn't want to lose him and I must have sounded like a complete idiot, but he has forgiven me.

I will decide what to do about Emmy tomorrow. For tonight, I am content with things as they are. I close my eyes and sleep.

-o-

Emmy rushes to me as I remove my apron. She takes ahold of my hands and whispers excitedly that she has just asked Damon out this evening and that he accepted her request. "That's great news," I tell her. Damon enters the room and looks in our direction. I cannot read his expression, but I can guess that he has a good idea of what we are discussing. I smile and pat Emmy's hand before moving to the door.

I punch out and give a last wave to my friends before heading out. This will either be the least or the most of my troubles.


End file.

Magic Knight Rayearth/魔法騎士レイアース, Drama, Romance