Magic Knight Rayearth/魔法騎士レイアース Rayearth Condensed

Chenalos@aol.com  
  
Rayearth Condensed.  
  
  
Episode one  
  
Emerude: Help! I need somebody! Help! Not just anybody! *Flash*  
  
Hikaru: I need more quarters; I think I can get the high score!  
  
Girls: Hikaru...that's a telescope.  
  
Hikaru: Really? I need a famicom!  
  
Fuu: Poverty is so cute, here's my donation, less-fortunate little girl. Merry Christmas.  
  
Hikaru: Wait! I wanna thank you for your belittling pity, but the lanky blue-haired girl is in the way!  
  
Hikaru, Umi, Fuu: Uhhhhhh...Hi?  
  
*FLASH!*  
  
Emerude: Help save our world, light warriors...Uh, Legendary Magic Knights. You don't get a choice in the matter; I'm stealing your floor.  
  
Umi: I hope this fish has it's pilot's license.  
  
Innova: Lord Zagato, I your little lap-dog toadie must inform you of the obvious. The magic knights have been summoned.  
  
Zagato: Ahhh, they're just kids, send some low-level underling to wax 'em. I'm sure we won't need to send our best warriors out first to kill three little girls.  
  
Fuu: Whew, we landed. That near-death incident changed my outlook on life, I realize we are all beautiful people, so I will refer to you everyone we meet with the utmost formality.  
  
Hikaru: That's cool Fuu.......Ster!  
  
Umi: Hi, my name is Umi, I'm a Pisces, my measurements are-  
  
Clef: Enough intro on with the plot!  
  
Umi: Hey, 750-year-old kid, I wanna go back to Tokyo!  
  
Clef: No problem, here; take some magic, some armor, and some 4, 6, and 20-sided die. Then become Magic Knights, get Escudo swords, revive the Mashin, kill Zagato, grant Emerude's wish, save Cephiro, and you're as good as there.   
  
Hikaru: Cool, when do we start?  
  
Clef: Hikaru, come here.  
  
*Whisper Whisper whisper*  
  
Hikaru: So that's where baby's come from?  
  
Clef: NO! That's how you use magic.   
  
Hikaru: Oh.  
  
*HIKARU learned a NEW SPELL*  
  
Explosion: Boom!  
  
Clef: OH, No! It's the anime's hot chick. When she finds out that her, and her 36-D's aren't the stars of the show, she'll surely kill you. Less attractive heroines, run for your lives! Go to the forest of silence, get the show's mascot, see Presea, and start packin' heat.  
  
Alcione: Did three barely-pubescent Japanese schoolgirls walk by here just now?  
  
Clef: Uh...no.  
  
Alcione: Just checking, I'll just go follow that griffin now.  
  
Zagato: Clef, You voluntarily influenced the plot without joining the party or immediately falling in love with a central character. RPG rules state clearly that I must kill you, but since this is an anime...*Casts PETRIFY -L4*  
  
Clef: Sucker, He doesn't know I got some softs in my pocket. Just got to reach down and...Aw crap.  
  
Fuu: Ms. Hot Chick is attacking us quite fiercely, but maybe she'll stop if she can pull in front and halt our progress.  
  
Alcione: I'm going to knock you all down.  
  
Hikaru: *Casts FIRE-ARROW -L1*  
  
Alcione: You missed me! Flying horse, stop incinerating and-AAAAAAAAH.  
  
*HIKARU, UMI and FUU gained a LEVEL*  
  
Episode 2  
  
Umi: We will be landing shortly in an uninhabited, monster-ridden forest, please have your customs cards ready and thank you for flying "Griffin Air"  
  
Zagato: Monsters! Monsters! Rah-rah-rah!  
  
Alcione: Why would you need monsters, when you've got me?  
  
Zagato: Good point, go level up, and I'll let you fail miserably again later on.  
  
Umi: Hey cool, a residence, let's do the RPG thing right; we carelessly bust in, and start snooping around, taking everything that isn't nailed down. It's stuffy in here, better leave the door open to let in some fresh air from the evil, enchanted forest.  
  
Mokona: *flipping through papers* I see, so quinine forms a complex to the Fe(III) atom located in the Heme-octapeptide. Thus, when plasmodium falciparum encounters Q-exposed RBC, it will induct the complex into it's metabolism via pinnocytosis, thereby enacting the anti-malarial mechanism. Fascinating.  
  
Hikaru: Presea?  
  
Mokona: Uh-oh. *Ahem* Pu! Pu! Pu! Pu!  
  
Umi: So Presea is a marshmallow, could this get any worse? *cage falls upon them*  
  
Presea: AHA! Mokona, I caught you messing up my doctorate thesis! Now I can finally use all those implements of torture I've been forging. Wait, I caught...Bishoujo!? Crap, I'm in an anime series aren't I? Well, I'll just fry you little minor, incidental characters to kill time.  
  
Umi: But we're the heroines of this anime.  
  
Presea: Prove it.  
  
Hikaru: OK, I'll kill that giant, red-eyed blob of mud creeping up behind you.  
  
Presea: Um...deal.  
  
Hikaru: Here we go! *Casts FIRE-...Um...*MAGIC is unavailable*   
  
Umi: Whenever you're ready, Hikaru.  
  
Hukaru: Huh? This is supposed to be the part where the hot, heroic heroine defeats the dangerously deadly demon with a magnificent myriad of mighty magic.  
  
Presea: You idiot! *PRESEA kills MUD-GOLEM* This is Rayearth, not Sailor Moon! Follow me, you can equip swords, but they're only on rental and I'll need a deposit.  
  
Hikaru: Ok, here.  
  
*PRESEA received BUBBLE-GUM*  
  
Fuu: Mr. Mud golem is back, and this is my first line in the entire episode.  
  
Presea: Take the good with the bad I guess. All right, pick out a weapon.  
  
Umi: Which one?  
  
Presea: USE THE FORCE!  
  
*An eerie glow surrounds your party*  
*HIKARU received RAGNAROK*  
*UMI received ILLUMINA*  
*FUU received BOW OF ALTHENA*  
*Battle*  
*Victory*  
  
Hikaru: Good, now scrape him up, and dump him in the lake.  
  
Presea: What about your ingenuitive, but incredibly obvious plan?  
  
Hikaru: This is Rayearth CONDENSED, Presea, come on, MOVE IT!  
  
Presea: Ok, even though you can't use magic, you have to go to the spring Eterna, and snag some Escudo. Come back here, and I'll make you +2/+2-evolving weaponry. With it you can revive the Mashin and save princess Emerude.  
  
Umi: I'll do it, Just as long as we don't have to do any gushy female bonding, or be subjected to blatant cutesy-utesy fluffy mascot segments along the way.  
  
Hikaru: Let's go Umi-ster. I'm not going anywhere without my new friend.  
  
Fuu: Ms. Umi, I really anticipate sharing this harrowing adventure with you.  
  
Mokona: Pu-pu-pu-pu! Pu-pu-pu-puuuu! *Begins jumping around gaily in a flower bed*  
  
Umi: Crap.  
  
Episode 3  
  
Mokona: Pu Pu (Follow me, Suckers)  
  
Umi: Could placing our trust in the randomly turning, bouncing, fluffy, indestructible ball be a bad idea?  
  
Monster: GRRRRAAAAAAW!  
  
Fuu: Mr. Mokona must have a thing for random encounters.  
  
Hikaru: HIYYAAAAAA! *Slash*  
  
*Victory! HIKARU got 15 exp*  
  
Hikaru: Yata! I kick ass!  
  
Umi: Well I coulda done that, I was just distracted by the tentacle monster sneaking up behind me and Fuu...crap.  
  
Umi and Fuu: HELP!   
  
Fuu: This is a Shoujo anime, tentacles are not allowed.  
  
Ferio: So noted. *Slash*  
  
*Monster perished*  
  
Ferio: Hello, ladies.  
  
Girls: DAAAAAAAMN.  
  
Ferio: I am a homeless hunter. Will protect heroines for food.  
  
Mokona: Pu Pu Pu, Cooo.  
  
*FERIO got the FOOD*  
  
Fuu: I get it, Zagato hires this guy to woo the fledgling knights into submission, too bad for him I'm a prude!  
  
Umi: Fuu thinks you should high-tail it, I agree, scram.  
  
Ferio: No problem, beautiful, Just point the way I should walk.  
  
Umi: Fuu, he called me beautiful, he's joining the party.  
  
Fuu: Alright, Miss Umi, but I know he's a liar so let's shake him.  
  
Ferio: You couldn't shake me even if you went super-deformed and jumped instantaneously from tree to tree. Give it up  
  
Fuu: Hmn! Well I'll show him, I'll refer to him informally to demonstrate how I loathe him.  
  
*Despite all their best efforts, FERIO joined the party*  
  
Hikaru: WOW! Mokona can summon a tent out of nowhere.  
  
Umi: I can do that too, but all I ever seem to get is mallets.  
  
Hikaru: Fuu-ster, Can I go feed Ferio again?  
  
Fuu: Miss Hikaru, I think you're too much of a slu-I mean kind person for me to trust you with that man, I'll bring him food.  
  
Ferio: Hello, Fuu, I was hoping to see you.  
  
Fuu: *Bum-bump-Bum-bump*  
  
Ferio: Stay and dine with me under the stars, in this enchanted forest.  
  
Fuu: *Bm-Bm-Bm-Bm-Bm*  
  
Ferio: Even if you don't like me, I want to be with you.  
  
Fuu: *b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b*  
  
*FUU escaped!*  
  
Umi: Wake up, it's time for more level-ups. After that Mascot!  
  
*BATTLE*BATTLE*BATTLE*BATTLE*  
VICTORY!  
  
Hikaru: WHEW! Level 8 at last. Huh? What are those monsters doing circled around that glowing stone?  
  
Monsters: All hail Magus, who resurrected Lavos in the year 600! Bless us with your power!  
  
Ferio: The stone is what makes this place evil, and casts silenced on everyone.  
  
Hikaru: We better break that stone if we wanna be magic knig- Ooops.  
  
Ferio: AHA! So you're the magic knights! That's what I was planning to become, but nobody told me it was a girl's job, learn the hard way, I guess.  
  
Umi: Why do you want to be a magic knight?  
  
Ferio: I really want to save princess Emerude, 'cause I met her once. She gave me two identical artifacts from the palace. They were ancient magical orbs that looked like they could easily and inexpensively be made into plastic toy replicas, if one wanted to do that for some odd reason.  
  
Fuu: You are a Liar. *Badabump-Badabump-Badabump* CUT THAT OUT!  
  
Hikaru: Anyway, Umi-ster and I will bust up the monsters, Fuu-ster, you go with Ferio to break that rock.  
  
Fuu: Miss Hikaru, why did you pair me with...*Gulp*...Him!?  
  
Hikaru: Uhhh, color coordination. Umi-ster, let's kick it.  
  
Umi: Right, Hikaru let's fight! (we're doomed)  
  
*Battle*Battle*Battle*Battle* Monty Python Reference *Battle*Battle*Battle*   
  
Ferio: Lets go Fuu. Paper, rock, scissors, SWORD! I win.  
  
Rock: Oh, yeah? Rock, paper, rock, scissors, rock, EVIL! I win! I'll turn YOU into a rock.  
  
Ferio: Fuu! Use an arrow!  
  
Fuu: I can understand arrow beating paper, and even scissors, but surely not rock.  
  
Ferio: This is Cephiro rules paper, rock, scissors. It doesn't matter what you throw the one with the strongest will always wins!  
  
Fuu: Arrow...beats...ROCK! *Twang!*  
  
*Arrow beats rock*  
  
Hikaru: Ahhh! Umi-ster, we're surrounded by monsters! Fight for your life!  
  
*The monsters returned to normal*  
  
Hikaru: Ahhh! Umi-Ster, we're surrounded by pokemon! Fight for your life!  
  
Umi: No, Hikaru, you can stop now.  
  
Hikaru: Awwwwwww.  
  
Ferio: You saved me, I knew you cared. Take this, it's one of the artifacts I took from the palace. They say TOMY on the back side, do you know what that means?  
  
Fuu: Umm, no, but I will keep it, and I promise to make a wish on it.  
  
Ferio: I'm told you may need something called "dubbleaybatterees" But I think they're already in there, so it should work. Now I must be off.  
  
*FERIO left the party*  
  
Fuu: Ferio...I will now refer to him informally to demonstrate how much I care about him.  
  
Innova: So the monsters didn't kill the magic knights, and said knights may have broken a curse that has hung over Cephiro for as long as anyone can remember, but look on the bright side, you can film forest of silence wildlife documentaries now.  
  
Zagato: Shut up.  
  
  
Episode 4  
  
Umi: Wanna fly like an eagle, to Etena, fly like an eagle... na-na-na-na-na-na-na...  
HELLO!? SPRING ETERNA DELIVERY SERVICE, I'D LIKE TO PLACE AN ORDER!  
  
Hikaru: You need magic to do that, Umi-ster.  
  
Umi: Great, with Clef gone, I'm never gonna get to learn magic, let alone learning it in THIS stupid episode.  
  
Mokona: HOLY-PU!  
  
Monster: Black-hole sun won't you come...take Umi and Fuu away, Black-hole sun, won't you come, won't you come?  
  
Hikaru: *Casts FIRE-ARROW -L1*  
  
Monster: AHHHH! BURROW DOWN IN AND BLOW UP THE OUTSIDE WORLD! Boom!  
  
*Victory, HIKARU got 25 exp.*  
  
Hikaru: Magic is cool.  
  
Umi: Magic is over-rated  
  
Fuu: Be thankful, Miss Umi, If this were Evangelion, they could have squeezed out an entire episode with us in there.  
  
Umi: A whole episode stuck in a monster? What a dumb idea.  
  
Hikaru: Hey cool, a town. Wow, they have efficient security systems.  
  
Umi: You call getting us caught in a frigging net efficient security?  
  
Villagers: Evil. Evil. Evil. Destroy them.  
  
Fuu: Perhaps they are not friendly.  
  
Hikaru: Listen, villagers, Put the swords down and I'll save you from the conveniently timed monster attack.  
  
Monster: Rarrr!  
  
Villagers: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!   
  
Umi: Quick, Hikaru use your magic to stop the monster, but try not to mess up and land yourself in a ridiculous and anatomically compromising position.  
  
Hikaru: OK, Umi-ster! *Casts FIRE-* Ahhh! I slipped and part of the net is jammed between my-  
  
Umi: So noted Hikaru, so noted.  
  
Child laying right in the path of destruction: EEEEK!  
  
Hikaru: Save child! Plan B! KAMIKAZE!  
  
Fuu: Miss Hikaru, your plan worked, but I am afraid that now we are...quite screwed.  
  
*dodge*dodge*dodge* *RIP!*REND!*TARE!*  
  
Umi: Phew! He only attacked the net, now I got him. KYAAAAA!  
  
*Victory UMI got 28 exp*  
  
Hikaru:...Uh...good job Umi-ster, I woulda done it, but I've been hogging alot of monsters recently.  
  
Umi: Whatever.  
  
Fuu: Everyone here is afraid of us.  
  
Hikaru: It's all Zagato's fault.  
  
Umi: The people may be terrified out of their wits, but look at all the stuff in this town. They've got everything! A winding road, a book depository, and even a quaint little grassy knoll. AAAAAAH!  
  
Alcyone: Bull's-eye!  
  
Hikaru: You Witch! You sniped Umi-ster!  
  
Alcyone: Of course I did. They had to make this series about you uninteresting schoolgirls trying to save the blonde bimbo who keeps the world alive with her stupid prayers. Why not make it about how the sexy Ice-sorceress won Zagato's heart? When I kill you, I'll have the whole series to myself, and I'll marry Zagato.  
  
Hikaru: You love the villain? Take this! *Casts FIRE ARROW -L2*  
  
Alcyone: Yeouch! Bl...Blood!? GRRRRRRRR. I HATE HATE HATE......HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE....HATE YOU!  
  
Fuu: So our magic levels up when you piss us off? It's a shame we're not intensely moody teenagers, or we could have gotten to the spring Eterna by now.  
  
*Battle Ensues*  
  
Mokona: Pu Pu Pu *ZAP*  
  
Umi: You think of the weirdest things when someone jabs razor-sharp icicles through your back. I thought I saw a lazerbeam shoot out of Makona's forehead.  
  
Clef: Umi, I may be a pigeon roost right now, but I can still help you. If you had a choice between ice-cream, new shoes, or magic to save Hikaru, what would you choose?  
  
Umi: MAGIC! MAGIC! MAGIC!   
  
Clef: I knew there was something that Girls like more than new shoes or ice-cream.  
  
*UMI learned a NEW SPELL*  
  
Alcione: And now I kill you, Red Knight.  
  
Umi: *Casts WATER DRAGON -L1*  
  
Alcione: I already took a shower todaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.  
  
*Victory*UMI got...LIFE-THREATENING WOUNDS*  
  
Umi: It's been a hard day's fight. *Kathump*  
  
Fuu: Mr. Mokona, pass me the lazerbeam.  
  
*ZAP*  
  
Clef: OK, Fuu your magic is already inside you.  
  
Fuu: In my heart?  
  
Clef: No, in your ileum. OF COURSE IT'S IN YOUR HEART! Now use it!  
  
*FUU learned a NEW SPELL*  
  
Fuu: *Casts winds of healing -L1*  
  
*Umi HP+40*  
  
Umi: I'm glad to be back, but this whole RPG parody thing is getting old real fast.  
  
Hikaru: Total strangers, becoming comrades to the death! Let the bonding begin!  
  
Umi: *Sigh* Ok, fine, but make it quick, we're running a tight Spring Eterna quest schedule here.  
  
TBC...  
  
  
Chenalos@aol.com  
14 Rivers  
  
Out-take:  
  
(long after they left the village, the magic knights continue walking on their long quest for Eterna)  
  
Hikaru:(to herself) I am not getting angry with Umi-ster. I like Umi-ster. Umi-ster is a good person, who is my friend. I am NOT NOT NOT angry at her.  
  
Fuu: Ms. Hikaru, is something bothering you.  
  
Hikaru:(Turns around, her sword has appeared in her hand, and she didn't notice) Why would you think that.  
  
Fuu: (Points at the sword)  
  
Hikaru: Oh, oops (Puts the sword back) No Fuu-ster, I'm fine. But Umi-ster, could I ask you just one favor.  
  
Umi: Sure, Hikaru, what?  
  
Hikaru: Will you PLEASE stop singing the Zelda theme over and over again!? It's driving me crazy! 


End file.

Magic Knight Rayearth/魔法騎士レイアース, Humor, Parody