Castle 1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle  
AN: Thank you CaskettFreak101 for editing this for me! you're amazing! 3

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Chapter 1

"We need to talk"  
"Yeah, we do..."  
"Can I come over?"  
"Yeah. Yeah. I'll be waiting"

Kate Beckett drove on over to the loft. She had tried to stop her mind from rehearsing what she had planned on telling him today- she just didn't want to think. But now, as she stood at his door, she couldn't find the strength to move- she couldn't find it in her to make a move. She had made her decision and she knew she'd be leaving in a little while.

She raised her hand and knocked. Castle didn't take long to open his front door.

The Rick Castle she saw before her was not the one she had come to know and love. Gone was the love and admiration she was used to, his eyes only held a look of pure hurt and anger. His features were cold. He stepped aside to let her enter and then closed the door behind them. She took a few steps in and then turned to face him.

"What did you want to talk about?" he asked, cutting right to the chase.

"Castle, I'm sorry. I- I shouldn't have kept secrets"

"You're damn right, you shouldn't have kept secrets. We've been through this before, Kate."

Kate knew all too well what he was talking about.

"Castle..."

"No Kate. I've waited four years for you to finally let me in and just when I think we're doing great, you show me that I still hold no place in your life. "

"Castle, that's not…"

"Moving to another city is huge. And when you have a partner, when you're in a relationship, my opinion is to be taken into consideration too! You didn't even think of mentioning it to me. And that hurt Kate! I really thought we were moving forward together, but, clearly, I was wrong."

"Castle, I know I should have told you, but it wasn't a sure thing at the time. It was just an interview. Please you have to understand, I didn't even know if I would get the job then... "

Castle turned away from her and walked into his study Running his hand through his hair in frustration, he sighed. Kate followed him and just waited, watching him stare blankly away from her. She took another step towards him.

"Castle, I came here to apologize and I- "

"Well you've done that, now haven't you?"

"Rick, let me finish. I got a call from them today. "

Castle turned to face her then. She could tell from his expression that he was curious, but she already knew by his sulking body that he had already given up, like he already knew what was coming.

"I, uh, I got the job. It's my decision now."

Castle remained still. She took another step, closer, trying to lessen the distance between them. She cleared her throat.

"I've decided Castle. I'm taking the job"

Castle chuckled. It was unexpected. And his reaction scared her. He picked up the bottle of scotch that was on his desk and poured himself a glass...

"Well then I'll just have to move to D.C. with you."

Kate took a deep breath.. Now was the hardest part. Her heart clenched tightly.

"No, you're not moving with me Castle. "

Castle had just taken a sip of his scotch. Suddenly, the burn he felt in his throat as he swallowed, felt like the exact opposite of soothing.

He turned to look at her again. She had stepped closer and her arms were folded across her chest, making sure her message was loud and clear. She wasn't going to back down on this one.

"I'm sorry, what did you just say?"

"I said, you're not coming to D.C. with me"

"There! There it is again! You make these decisions by yourself as if I don't even exist"

Castle was losing all control over his anger. He stepped forward and continued

"How do you suppose we do this Kate? If you're in D.C., and I'm in New York. What's your plan? Do you even have a plan?" he challenged.

"Castle, I think we need to take a break."

Kate's heart was tied in a painful knot. Castle's face showed his every emotion. Seeing the amount of pain she was putting him through was killing her. But she had decided. It was better this way.

"What?"

"We should stay away for a while, just for a while, so that…"

He didn't let her finish.

"Kate, are you dumping me? Cause it sure as hell sounds like it."

"We're not breaking up Castle, I just need a break. I think we should take a break, just until… "

"And what in the hell is that supposed to mean, huh?"

Castle couldn't hold it in anymore. He turned around, picked the bottle of scotch and threw it at the wall in frustration.

"CASTLE!" Kate gasped. This was a side to Rick Castle that she had never seen before, and it scared her.

"Four years! Do you even know what it's like to wait four years for the woman you love? Then you have her for just one beautiful year and suddenly she needs a break? She can't take you anymore? Do you know what that's like, Kate? Do you?"

His voice was loud, booming in her ears, dripping with hurt and angst. Tears brimmed at her eyes, threatening to spill over.

"Rick... I...That's not…"

"No. Just leave Kate. You don't want to see me again, so just leave. I'm done." he said, firmly.

"Castle, please just listen to me. I still love you, I do. I just... This job is going to be tough, hectic and I, I'll need to adjust well to it. I'll need to settle and I don't want you to feel obligated to..."

"So what you're saying is that, I being there would stop you from doing your job?"

He didn't let her say a thing. "Yeah, you know what, you're right. Go. Go to D.C. Start your new life. Just leave me here. Wouldn't want to be a burden on Detective Kate Beckett, now would I? Or is it Agent now?"

"Castle, I'm not breaking up with you."

"You might as well. Because that's what it feels like and that's what's eventually going to happen. "

"Castle…" she pleaded, tears streaming down her face.

"I can't do this right now, Kate. Please... I need to be alone, and you need to leave."

Kate's tears were rolling freely down her cheeks, there was no stopping them now. She had known that this would hurt, but she didn't expect the heartache to be so severe, for it to nearly kill her.

"Don't bother calling me either. I can't do this anymore. Just go where you have to go – you always do anyway. Just like you did that day you had the interview."

And with that, Castle walked into his bedroom and slammed the door. All Kate could do was stare blankly after him. The storm that was building inside her could not be contained, the despair she felt wouldn't go away. She should have known it would end this way- she had practically asked for it by shutting him out.

She deserved this for not treating him right, she knew that. She left the loft with her decision made. But her life itself had just been destroyed. Rick Castle, the love of her life, hated her…


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

AN: Thanks guys for all the alerts and reviews. I really appreciate that you took time to leave me your opinions and feedback on the story :)

Thank you CaskettFreak101 for your awesome work :) love you :* 

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Chapter 2

Castle couldn't feel anything. His heart felt like it had just been trampled upon . Kate didn't want him anymore, and that fact itself was causing him to lose his senses completely.

He shut his bedroom door, putting up a more physical barrier between them now. He waited until he heard the front door close. He heard soft whimpers, and it pained him, but not as much as when she told him she didn't want him to be a part of her new life. Kate was crying. Although his heart told him to be the bigger person here, he refused! He was tired of always being the bigger person in their relationship. He was done.

After a long while, he heard retreating footsteps and it wasn't until then that he was sure she had left. What did she expect? For him to just kiss her goodbye and watch her leave? Yeah, well she was being delusional.

He wasn't going to be the bigger person this time. She had done him wrong, she's the reason his heart was completely numb and he was in no way going to make it easy for her to leave. If she wanted to go start a new life without him, he wasn't going to let her think he was okay with it!

It's time he began looking out for his own heart since she clearly didn't want to look after it anymore.

Castle took his shirt off, stripped out of every other piece of clothing and walked into his shower. He turned the tap open and the shower heads sprayed out the scalding hot water. As he stood there under the gushing shower, he remembered all the exciting mornings that he had shared with Kate. Would she really leave without him? Would she really not care what would become of him?

Kate drove home feeling completely broken. The minute she was in her apartment, behind her door, away from the scrutinizing eyes of the world, she slid down against the door and broke down. Sobbing and choking, she shook with the impact of the pain that was running through her veins.

She had gone to the loft with the intention of apologizing to him, and telling him that she wanted to get settled by herself there for a few months. She thought that maybe after she was settled, they could talk about him moving to D.C. She needed the time alone, not just to get used to the new job, but to sort out her doubts and insecurities about them.

Everything that had been happening lately, it had all just scared her. She had begun to feel that Castle was taking her for granted, that he was bored of her. Eventually, her insecurities began to get the better of her, leading her to almost kiss another man, a man that Castle envied. And Castle being the loving man she knew, didn't even hold it against her. But, it didn't make her feel any more secure when he totally avoided the question about where they were going.

So she really didn't know what to think anymore. Her mind felt clustered with thoughts about her love life and her work life, and she just needed an escape from atleast one of them. Maybe that way, she would be able to figure out the other. So here she was, once again, running away from love. Once again, she had chosen to hide behind her work, and leave Castle here.

She never wanted Castle to feel obligated to move with her to DC, just cause of her job. Him moving, it wasn't as easy as he thought. She knew that. She knew he would have to leave his home, leave Martha and Alexis, leave his friends and poker buddies and contacts. New York was his home! And Kate didn't want him to just rush into things without thinking because of her job.

She didn't want to be the reason Alexis wouldn't have her dad to come home to when she's home sick. She didn't want to be just another Will Sorenson and expect Castle to pack his bags and move wherever her job required her to go.

She asked that they take a break and most relationships usually go downhill from there. She knew that. And right enough, Castle was hurt that she would even suggest it. Now he wanted nothing to do with her. The little hope that she had, that maybe in a few months when her life was sorted out, they could get back together, talk about moving in together, all of those hopes had come crashing down tonight.

Kate had known that this would hurt, but she never thought he'd hate her so much. She should've seen it coming though.

"How long have I made the man wait for me already? He waited four years for me, and here I am again, shutting him out because of my insecurities." she thought.

Kate's phone began to ring. She wiped at her tears and cleared her throat. Gone was any evidence that she had let her guard down, her mask was back. It was the Attorney General's office, and it was official. She would start next week.

Kate took a long slow breath. It was painful, but she had to get on with this. She still had to inform her boys and Lanie. All of them would hate her for leaving, but they would come around, hopefully. Castle was her only worry.

The next evening, Kate was filling out some papers that she had to hand in to Gates. She had gone to see Lanie and had told her that she had taken the job offer. Lanie was glad for her. Of course, she hated that Kate had to go but she wished her all the best. They agreed to still try and meet up for drinks They'd make it work. She wasn't about to lose her best friend just because she had to alternate between two cities.

After meeting Lanie, Kate broke it to Ryan and Esposito. Neither of them were happy about it, but Esposito seemed more upset than Ryan. He was, after all, like Kate's protective elder brother.

What didn't surprise Kate was their concern for how Castle took the news. Kate's eyes got moist at the mention of her lover's (well, now ex-lover's) name. She tried to blink the tears away, but the boys saw right through her.

"We'll take care of your boy for you, Beckett. Don't worry about him"

"I wish my worries were as simple as that, Espo." she admitted to them. "He won't talk to me. I may have suggested that we take a break in our relationship for a while and he thought I was breaking up with him. He was really upset and I think I really ruined it this time. He asked me to leave and I don't think he wants to see me ever again."

Ryan and Espo shared a look. After a few moments, Espo nodded. Ryan cleared his throat.

"Uh. Javi and I were walking down 23rd street yesterday. And well, we saw Castle leaving Tiffany's. Of course, we got curious and used the badge to find out from the owner what he came to buy."

Espo spoke, interrupting Ryan mid-story.

"He bought an engagement ring Kate. I think he was planning on proposing"

That news hit Kate straight in the gut! She didn't wait longer at the precinct. She wasn't feeling well. As soon as she was home, she felt like puking. Castle was going to propose to her, he was going to ask her to marry him. He wasn't tired of her -he wanted her to be his bride, and she had just given him the idea that she didn't want him anymore!

Kate signed the last of her papers and then put the pen down. She cradled her face in her hands and tears came to her eyes did taking this job, a job she had always dreamed of now seem like the last thing she should do?

She wouldn't leave without seeing him, without giving him a kiss goodbye. That kiss would be her strength and motivation to take on this new job. She badly wanted his support and love. She knew he'd support her, that he'd want her to have this opportunity. But he wanted to be there with her, and she had denied him that, denied him that space in her life. And as she thought about it now, she couldn't even understand why.

She had tried calling him a million times that night, but he wouldn't answer. She went to his place the next day after duty, not knowing exactly how to face him after what happened that day and after finding out he was going to ask for her hand in marriage. There was an urgent need for her to meet him and sort out their misunderstandings.

But the door wouldn't open. Her cop instincts told her to break down the door and find him, her imaginative mind jumping to horrible conclusions.

What if he drank too much, and had hurt himself? He did have a bottle of scotch open that day. What if he started with something stronger to soothe the pain he was surely going through and then-?

Kate's heartbeat went into overdrive. Just as she was about to kick the door open, she thought about asking the door man downstairs. She rushed down and was informed that Castle had packed a few bags and left soon after she had left the earlier day.

Kate walked home feeling defeated. Castle had left. Now she knew exactly what he felt like when he found out about her D.C. interview.

Kate needed to know that he would be back, she needed to know she'd see him before she left.

Where could he have gone?

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Review please :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

**AN: I appreciate that you guys leave me your thoughts and reviews :) Most of them are very motivating and make me want to write more :)**

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Chapter 3

Kate's eyes opened at 7am. She stared up at her ceiling.  
Today was going to be the beginning of a new stage in her life. She was supposed to feel good about it, she was supposed to be excited.

But she couldn't feel anything. She turned her head to the pillow beside her and stared at the pillow. She missed him. Tears overflowed her eyes, staining the pillow under her head. Closing them, she sighed. She so badly wanted to see him. She wanted to hear his voice, she wanted to be held by him, she wanted to look into those beautiful blue eyes and see love again.  
Her mind drifted to all the beautiful mornings she's shared with him, right here in her bed.

By this time tomorrow, she'd be waking up in another city – alone.  
She needed to find Castle today, before she left and explain to him that she still wanted him, that she still loved him. She had never wanted anyone the way she wanted him, and it ached her heart to think that she made him feel they were over...

All she wanted was time to adjust on her own, time to tame her mind to stop doubting him, time to banish all those stupid insecurities from her head.  
And then when all of that was settled they could think of him moving to D.C. to be with her. It was that simple. How in the hell did it get so out of hand?

She ran her hand through her hair.

"Why? Why do you love being so independent? Why are you so determined on leaving him behind and doing this on your own? Why won't you give him a chance to be with you the way you both really want?'

It seemed irrational in her head now. She took a deep breath, sat up and checked her alarm clock. She needed to run. She quickly got dressed and hooked her earphones into her iPod, strapping it onto her arm. She blasted the volume in an effort to drown the voices in her head. She ran around the city, alternating between jogs and sprints around Central Park.

She loved her city, and she loved the people of the city, but most of all, she loved her Castle. Castle was… Castle was her safe zone, her calm, her home and that meant that wherever she was, if she had him by her side, that was home.

Kate made a decision that morning. She had decided that if Castle was really willing, she'd take him along with her to DC. She'd talk to him and sort out her insecurities with him. She'd tell him the things that scared her, not only about the job, but also things between them.

She just needed to find him, tell him how sorry she is for pushing him out and insist that they can still fix things, that she still wanted to fix things between them. It didn't need to end. All she had to do was find him. Find him, talk to him and fix this.

By the time 7pm rolled around, Kate still hadn't found Castle, and her train was scheduled to leave in a few minutes. She was just saying her goodbyes to her loved ones who had come to see her off. Lanie, the boys and her dad had all come, and she just wished Castle was there too.

She looked on into the distance, with even the slightest hope that he'd appear, that he'd come to see her, that he'd give her a chance to explain.

Hell! She was so desperate to see him, that if he came, she'd take him to D.C. with her. At that moment, she couldn't think - she only wanted him.

Kate felt a hand on her shoulder. It was Lanie's.

"We'll take care of him for you, Kate. Don't you worry"

"He disappeared. Like he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I don't think I can do this without him, Lanie." the helpless tone in her voice did not go unnoticed by them.

She was torn that he wasn't here. "Shh. I will let you know as soon as he's back in the city. Then maybe the two of you could talk." said Lanie

Kate just nodded, and a few moments later, she was waving out the window of the slow moving Amtrak that had just commenced its journey to D.C.

Kate quickly sent a text to Castle "En route to D.C.. Wish you were here, Rick"

And unlike the last few days that she's been sending him texts, she received a delivery acknowledgement from him right away. And soon after came his replyin a text "I am! Kate, wait! Don't leave yet! Don't board the train! I'm here!"

Kate's heart nearly stopped! He was here! He had come to see her. But her train had already started moving. She was just about to text him back asking him to come to D.C. with her, desperately pleading for him to meet her there, but even before she could finish typing. The ground beneath her feet shook. She looked up from her phone, shock and fear bubbling up inside her.

Suddenly, her mind registered the loud sound from somewhere in the distance. And then everything happened so fast...

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**EDITOR'S NOTE (CASKETTFREAK101):** Dun-dun-dun. Cliffhanger. OH NO. What loud sound? What happened really fast? What's going on? AAAAH. You want that update, you and I both know it. And that all depends on me. The chapter can't be posted until I edit it, so... Muahahahaha.

I'm kidding. Basically, the whole point of this, is the fact that negative reviews are not appreciated. Not by me, and certainly not by the author. If you have constructive criticism, please, by all means. (And even for grammar or language, because that's my responsibility.) To all the beautiful people that have given the author fabulous reviews, or have given criticism that will help, thank you! I and the author both appreciate it. We thank you for your support.. Always. See you in the fall...of the next chapter... (SEE WHAT I DID THERE? Does that even make sense? I don't know, just go with it...)

**AN: ;) I love this girl ^^^. Don't you just love this girl? . **  
**Well, leave me a review then. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

**AN: I'm so sorry for the delay in uploading new chapters :(  
My editors been really tied up with her exams and stuff and I don't blame her. I was in the same state last year :O (Everyone wish her luck) ;)  
**  
**Thank you for all your reviews, good and bad feedback and all kinds of criticism and comments :) appreciate all of it :) Here goes Chapter 4.  
All mistakes are mine.**

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Chapter 4

Her phone began ringing, it was Ryan.

Suddenly the speakers in the vehicle came on and the voice spoke "Passengers are expected to stay calm, there has been an explosion at the entrance of the station and we have been asked to halt the train!"

Kate's heart was in her throat, she was already having a bad feeling about this. She picked Ryan's call finally.

"Ryan, where are you guys? Is everyone alright?"

He was panting. It sounded like he was running.

"Beckett, the blast…It was at the other gate... Lanie..."

"What's wrong? Answer me Ryan! Where's Lanie? is she alright?"

"Beckett, Lanie's fine... But..."

"But what?" Beckett was getting a sick feeling in her stomach. Something was horribly wrong. And just that intuition was making her want to puke.

"Beckett, Lanie was on the phone with Castle when it happened. He was ... He was running in to find you!"

"Oh God, Ryan..." the cry at the back of her throat was making her choke on her own words... She was breathing heavily. And every breath she took made her lungs, or something near it, ache.

"And Lanie had just begun to tell him you were already on board the train but..."

"Oh my God, Ryan?!"

"Kate calm down, we're searching for him, his phone is unreachable ever since the blast."

Kate was out of her seat now, rushing to the doorway of the train, holding nothing but her phone to her ear and holding herself together.

Her heart beat loud through her chest. She felt like it could explode any moment. And she wouldn't mind it one bit. At least that blast would make things seem balanced.

"Ryan... ", her eyes were brimming with tears. The fear she had in her right now would be too hard to describe in words! She couldn't hold herself together for long anymore.

"Ryan, tell me he's okay!"

She yelled, now, out of the halted train's doors and walking the station ground towards the place she knew they would be!

"Ryan!" she cried out loud into the phone when he didn't answer.

"Beckett, we found him..."

"Is he alright? Give him the phone Ryan... I want to talk to him", she pleaded. The ache in her to hear him, to know he was alive, was killing her inside!

"Kate, he's..."

And that's when she heard it, in the background, Lanie's voice!

"You stay with me Castle..." her voice was shaky. Beckett could hear the terror evident in Lanie's tone through her phone!  
"Don't you give up... I promised my girl I'd take care of you... you do not get to give up this way Castle!"

"Javi! Where the hell are the paramedics! We're losing him!" Lanie was panicking.

And Kate turned pale. From where she was standing now, she could see her friends a few meters away from her. But her eyes were on the one man who lay on the floor there with them. Her knees went weak and all oxygen left her lungs.

Her ears felt closed up and she was seeing blurred. She swallowed hard and with the little fight she had left in her she slowly stepped ahead.

A soft cry left her lips "Lanie...?"

And that's when they noticed her standing behind them. And Lanie's face changed.  
"Kate, he came for you... He... He was on the phone with me... Gosh, if I had known, Kate..."

She didn't know how but her feet led her closer to her Castle, until she was sitting by his side.  
She was speechless. All she could do was watch him grow paler.

"Tell me he's going to be okay!" she broke down. Then caught hold of his hand and spoke only to him, sobbing bitterly,

"Castle... Rick... You're going to fight this... I need you! You hear me!? I need you! I LOVE YOU!"

The tears flowed like streams down her face and she knew he was listening to her even though he was in pain, even though he was struggling to keep his eyes open. He was in pain and Kate leaned down over him and put her lips to his ears.

"I'm sorry Rick, just please stay." The irony of the situation was uncanny. He may have come here to say the exact same words to her.

And even before she knew what was happening, the paramedics had come to take him. They put him on to a stretcher and took him into the ambulance.

Lanie was by his side at all times. But Kate, Kate sat frozen in place.  
The ambulance hurried away and she didn't move an inch. Her eyes fixed on the blood he had lost.

None of this would have happened; none of this blood would have been lost. No pain would have been endured. If only! If only she hadn't kept secrets.

Kate grew silent after the ambulance took Castle.  
Espo drove Kate to the hospital that they were taking Castle to. He looked at her and said,

"Lanie's with him. She'll see to it that he's taken care of"  
He waited for her to acknowledge his attempt to comfort, but she was silent and it wasn't good.

She looked blank, like she had seen a ghost. Kate turned and leaned her head against the glass window of the car, starring at nothing in particular, but thinking about a 100 million things at once.

A tear rolled down her cheek and all she could do was count on the 'universe' to send her some sign that her world was not falling apart. That she could fix her broken Castle and his heart. Castle believed in the 'universe'. Just for him she'd believe in it too.

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**Leave me a review please :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

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Chapter 5

It was one of her worst nightmares coming true and it was all happening so fast. She couldn't seem to sit still once they had taken him in. She shivered in fear for his life. Her entire body, cold and pale. She couldn't think and even breathing was beginning to feel like a painful task. The tears rolled down her face freely, but she wouldn't talk to anyone.

Lanie tried to hold her still, tried to get her to talk, but she wouldn't stay put. She was pacing the floor, lost in her thoughts, unwilling to pay attention to anything or anyone around her.  
It wasn't until she heard the voices of the two women that Castle called 'family' that she finally stood still.

"Where is he?" Martha charged forward towards them.

"Where's my dad?!" came Alexis' scared, panicked voice from behind her.

Beckett's lips parted. She needed to say something, to tell them that he was going to be okay, but really, what guarantee did she have? No words left her mouth.

She heard Esposito tell them what happened, she heard Martha trying to comfort Alexis and be brave. But that's all she could do. Hear. Listen. Cause words were beyond her right now. She had lost all ability to speak, the minute she had seen him on the floor of the station, bleeding his life out.

Kate closed her eyes and the images flashed in front of her again, and again, and again, until she fell back against the wall of the corridor, and slid to the ground, sobbing her heart out.

"Kate, honey…" she heard Lanie's comforting voice coming closer to her, but it was abruptly stopped by an angry young woman's voice.

"No!" Alexis screamed. "No! She doesn't deserve it!" Kate knew it wouldn't be long till Alexis would break.

"This is all your fault Kate!"

Kate hid her head between her knees, her entire body shaking with guilt and fear and too much pain.

"Alexis, calm down" Martha spoke

"No! I am not going to calm down!"

Kate heard her footsteps coming closer.

"You used him! He loved you for 5 years. 5 years, we saw him fall in love with you. And what did you give him in return?  
You lied, you kept secrets. You kept him out. You played him. And even after you broke his heart, He still came back to see you, and now look where that's brought him!"

A shocking pain bolted through her joints and her fingers clenched into her skin. Everything that Alexis said was nothing but the truth. This was all really her fault.

"Alexis enough, this is not the right time" Martha tried again.

"Then when will it be, grams? When we hear worse news from the doctors? Would that be the right time?"

"Alexis..." Kate managed to choke out, needing her to stop.

"No! You have no right. I don't even know what you're still doing here. You were on your way to DC. Maybe that's where you belong. Cause you sure as hell don't belong anywhere near my father!"

"Let her be." Came Jim's voice. "She's heard enough."

Alexis turned away in anger and paced to the end of the corridor. Martha and Ryan followed behind her. The girl was really torn apart.

Jim sat down beside his daughter, and pulled her into his embrace. And Kate cried her heart out to him.  
"She's just upset."

"She's right" Kate argued. "You and I both know it, dad. None of this would have happened if I hadn't kept secrets from him, if I had just listened to him"

An hour later, Beckett was seated among the chairs in the waiting area, a little away from where the rest of them were. She decided it was best to sit away as she knew how upset Alexis was with her. And even though all she really wanted was to be near his family, be there for them like she had once promised him, she knew that at this point of time, they most definitely blamed her for his condition.

Who was she kidding; she really was the one to blame. What she'd give to see her Castle right now, breathing and alive, to see that charming smile of his. She doesn't care that they ended things on a bad note. If Castle came to see her off, it means he still wants 'them'. It means she should fight for him too.

She was not going to leave his side. She'd never make that mistake again. She closed her eyes and prayed that when he opened his eyes, he'd still want to see her. That he'd ask for her.

It was selfish to even think of it, after everything she'd done to him. But really, right now, all she could think about was seeing him alive. She needed that image of his dying self, out of her head.

She was suddenly pulled out of her train of thought when she saw a doctor walk out of the emergency room and ask for Richard Castle's Family.

Kate walked briskly to where the rest of them were and listened in. the doctor told them that after a lot of complications, they were finally able to bring him out of his critical stage. He had burns, and bruises, and even a few head injuries, but they managed to treat almost all of it. The doctor explained that he is still unconscious and will stay that way for a while due to the heavy medication and the morphine doses they have given him.

"When can we see him?" asked Alexis.

"As soon as we move him to another room, I will get a nurse to let you come see him."  
"Thank you." Martha said to him.

They sat down again. And Kate stared blankly at the floor. He was stable. He was breathing and alive. But he now had marks on him that would forever remind him of this day. The day he ran after her yet again and almost lost his life because of her.

Kate wanted to go burn herself. She had only put Castle through pain whenever things got tough for her. Every single time, it was him who bore the brunt of her insecurities. And she hated herself for it. But this time she had learnt her lesson. There was no running away now. She was here for good. She just needed to see him, and tell him what a fool she's been. How wrong she's been this whole time.

Her job in DC had long been forgotten. There was no way in hell she was leaving him this way. She felt horrible that it took him almost dying to keep her from going, and when she thought about it now, she felt like a heartless woman to have decided to push him out of her life like that.

The call had come a few minutes earlier, informing her of what time she was needed to come in to the Federal task force office tomorrow morning to meet her new boss, when she had politely informed them that something had suddenly come up, and she would not be taking the job in DC.

When Kate had finished the call, her heart had felt lighter than it did the entire week. She should have done that a long time ago, she thought to herself.

From something she had always dreamed about, in the last few days, it had turned into something she never wanted to think about. And as she pondered on the 'whys' of it now, she had to admit, it told of her love for a certain writer. A love, that even if her mind tried to ignore, her heart never failed to cling onto. And that's what had made thinking about DC such a burden on her shoulders.

Cause subconsciously, she never wanted to leave New York in the first place. New York is where Castle is. And Castle is home.

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Stick with me guys.. I promise I won't disappoint :)  
Leave me a review please :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

* * *

Chapter 6

Her thoughts were interrupted when she felt Lanie sit beside her and tell her softly, "Martha and Alexis have been in there for a while, maybe you'll feel better after you see him too."

Kate looked up at her, and nodded. She then wiped down her face with her hand, trying to erase all the tiredness from it; she stood up, and walked to his room.

And just before entering, she stopped for a moment, closed her eyes, searching inside her for the strength to see him in the condition he was going to be in. She needed to tell herself again and again, that however hurt he is right now, he is healing and he will get better. He isn't dying. She wouldn't be breathing if that were the case.

She took a deep breath and walked inside.

He lay asleep, so still. There were bandages, and pipes and wires all around him, there was a large gauze around his head with a blood stain on the right. Alexis and Martha were at his side. Kate took a step in, but then decided she should just stay where she is. Alexis was holding his hand, and she didn't want to go and interrupt that.  
The girl needed her father, and Kate knew she was already upset with her.

So she just looked on at her lover from where she stood. He looked like he was in too much pain. And that only brought severe heartache to her.

In her mind, it played on like a mantra. "This is all my fault, My fault, He's here because of me"  
and as the tears began to fill her eyes again, she was losing her ability to stand, her legs turning weak, watching the love of her life at the mercy of those torturing wires and monitors and bandages.

Her hand reached out for something to hold on to, until it caught onto something, it was an armchair. She caught onto it, and slowly seated herself. Her eyes never once left his fragile form, resting on that hospital bed. Martha and Alexis both knew of her presence in the room, but didn't acknowledge it. They all just needed to see him, and be close to him.

Little did he know of how much he meant to each of them. To one a caring son, to another a perfect father, and to yet the third, He'd been a shadow, a friend, a lover, her life.

There was a hand in his. A soft, smooth and warm skinned hand, one he'd never forget the feel of. He'd held that hand and watched it grow from the time it was small enough to only hold his little finger. He moved his fingers to feel that comfortable skin of his very own angel, and he felt her lips kiss his hand. He smiled. He moved his lips to call her name, but words didn't come.

"Dad! Thank god you're awake!" he heard now.

"Oh Richard!" he heard his dear mother's voice say in pure relief.

"Alexis", he whispered his throat completely hoarse and dry.

"I'm here dad", she replied

and as he opened his eyes, he couldn't help the small smile that crept onto his lips when he saw his angel, his baby girl, Alexis.

"Oh dad, you're okay" she leaned down to embrace him lightly, placing a chaste kiss on his cheek. He felt the moisture on her cheek, a result of the tears she had cried in fear for him.

A nurse came in and helped him drink some water. He cleared his throat and then asked, "How long was I out?"

"That doesn't matter dad. What matters is you're awake, and you're going to be okay"

he smiled at his daughter. He hated that she had to see him this way, he hated that she must have had to go through a lot in all the time that he was unconscious, he hated to think that even for a second, she feared he had left her.

Castle was suddenly aware of a third person in the room. Someone he had come to love and adore over the past few years, someone who he had begun to despise and hate over the past three days, the same someone he was coming to see off when this happened to him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked in her direction.  
She stepped out of the shadow hesitantly, coming into better light beside him.

"Oh Castle; I was so scared that something hap…"

"What are you doing here?" he spoke coldly, "Aren't you supposed to be on your way to DC"

Kate's lips parted, but she didn't know what to say. She looked at him, and then at the other two occupants in the room

"I'm not going Castle, I made a mistake…"

"You're damn right you made a mistake."

"Castle I …"

"You made a mistake coming here Kate. Go away. I don't want to see you."

Kate's heart quickened. She hadn't been expecting him to act this way. He was looking at her with eyes filled with rage, and there was nothing but seriousness about them. He was serious. He wanted her to leave. She was speechless and still.

"Do you remember when we worked a case like this the last time Kate? It was the bombing case, and I had the realization then and I had it this time too. Its incidents like these that remind me how unpredictable life is, and I am not going to waste my time waiting on you. I've spent five years of my life trying to convince you of my love and commitment, but I guess it's never enough for you, so I'm putting a stop to it. I'm done."

Kate began to shiver. Tears rolling down her face as she heard castle speak words to her she'd never imagined he'd say.  
"Rick…"  
His mother tried to interrupt.

"Mother, this is my final decision, and nothing you say is going to make me reconsider."

"Rick... I... I didn't mean.. Rick I'm in, for real. I am. I'm not leaving." she pleaded between sobs

"You're not leaving because you saw me die. You would have left had it not been for the blast."

"I was going to come back anyway, I had decided I couldn't do it without you" she cried, pleaded with him actually.

"Well I guess you decided too late Kate. I'm sorry. It's over."

"No Rick, This can't be it, please, just give me another chance, I'll show you how committed I am to this... please..."

"No Kate, I can't. How long did you think you could just play around with me huh?"

Kate's insides clenched. She'd hurt him so bad, and she was receiving her pain for it now.

"I'm tired. And I really can't do this anymore"

"No Rick. Please!" she begged, knowing that this was her last chance.

"Kate! Leave! I don't want to see you again." He said firmly. And then turned his face away from her.

She shook with sobs; her heart feeling like it had been trampled upon and broken into a tiny million pieces. She slowly took a few steps back, and then turned and walked briskly out of the room, her tears never once stopping.

* * *

**I have a thing for angst. ;)**

Reviews are much appreciated :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

**AN: No delay this time. Here's chapter 7 :)  
All mistakes are mine. :) **

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Chapter 7

"Dad…" Alexis tried.

"Mother, I want her stuff taken out of the loft and sent back to her place." He spoke firmly.

"Richard, I'll have all of that done later, you need to rest"

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He'd never done anything like that before. He'd never dumped a lover. And it pained him, everything he had just said to her. But it had to be done. He knew that. Kate had decided to leave him for DC. And now, he chose to leave her and move on. It was something he needed to do.

He wasn't going to sit around and wait for her, or another explosion. He needed to look out for himself now.

And as he drifted off to sleep, the image of Kate Beckett, the strongest woman he'd ever know, the same woman whose strength he had always honoured and looked up to, breaking down to tears before him, haunted his dreams and pained his heart.

Kate ran out of the hospital. She needed air. She needed oxygen. The walls were closing in on her. The air in her lungs had left her with every exhale she took, and she was battling to breathe. She couldn't find it in her to stand up straight, her lungs hurt, her throat went dry, and her screams filled the chilled air around her.

She crouched on the ground, crying her heart out. Until she felt two arms make their way around her, embracing her. Of course, she knew it was Lanie. But it didn't help much. The pain grew more unbearable, and the oxygen never came.

'This was what heart break felt like', she thought to herself as she drifted off into a black haze. The picture of Castle telling her he never wanted to see her again, playing on repeat in her mind. Heartbreak: pure, excruciating heartache.

When she opened her eyes again, she was at home, at her apartment. She sat up suddenly, and regretted it immediately. Her head hurt. She pressed her palm to her forehead, and everything came back to her. Castle.

She hid her face between her knees and tried to forget. But failed.

Why didn't she see this coming? She questioned herself. Did she really think he'd wake up from his unconscious state and embrace her with loving arms, forgiving her for all the wrong she's done to him?! Who was she kidding?

She deserved to feel this way, to feel this heartache, to be dumped in the cruellest way. She couldn't help but think about all that she'd put him through in the past five years. She'd only hurt him, strung him along, made him wait. For what? For her to tell him that she's moving to DC to join the federal task force and that she's not taking him with her.

Kate felt disgusted with herself.

"How are you feeling?"

Kate looked up when she heard her best friend's voice.

"How does it look?" she replied

Lanie stepped closer and sat beside her, pulling her to lean on her shoulder.

"Tell me everything that happened"

"He broke up with me. He said he doesn't want to see me ever again. He wants nothing to do with me, and that he's tired of everything I've put him through"

"Oh honey..."

"I don't blame him. He was right. I'm really bad at this"

Kate cried out her sorrow to her best friend, and Lanie listened and comforted her.  
"You passed out, so I brought you home."

"Who's at the hospital, how is he now?"

"Javi called to check on you. He said Castle woke up again a few minutes ago and he's doing well."  
Kate nodded.

"I need to see him Lanie... I have to tell him… I have to…" she went quiet

"Kate…"

She looked at her and Lanie began  
"He asked Martha to send your stuff back here."

Kate was quiet for a moment and then she spoke. "This is really happening Lanie, I can't..."

she couldn't finish her sentence. She simply fell back on her bed, and curled into a fetal position, needing to be by herself again.

Lanie was worried for her, but there was nothing she could do.

Back at the hospital, Castle was awake and was being fed soup by Alexis. Javier got off the phone and turned back to where Castle was.

"Who was that?" Castle asked

"That was Lanie. She's at Beckett's"

"Has she woken up yet?" Ryan asked from where he was sitting beside Castle's bed.

Esposito shook his head no.

"What happened to her?" Martha asked, worried.

"She passed out earlier." They told her

"Oh dear Lord how is she?" Martha exclaimed.

Ryan was just about to speak when Castle interrupted.  
"Okay, you know what, I'm really tired, and I think I should get some sleep now."

They started to say goodbye to him and move out of his room to let him sleep, promising to come see him tomorrow. Alexis was going to stay the night with her dad, so she was the only one who didn't move. After everyone had left, she spoke.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

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Chapter 8

"Dad, what's going on in your mind?"

Alexis knew her father all too well. She could see his unrest ever since he woke up. She knew he was debating something in his mind.  
He took a deep breath and then spoke

"I've never spoken to her that way pumpkin" he spoke with a heavy heart. She could see in his eyes that even talking about what happened pained him.

"I've never before broken a woman's heart, and to think that I did that to Kate today... It's just... it's eating me up."

"Dad, she broke your heart too."

"I know. That's why it needed to be done. I waited too long for her. It's never easy to break up with someone you love." he said sadly.

"You still love her?"

"I don't think I'll ever be able to stop. It's going to be the hardest thing I try to do. I recover faster from physical injuries than a broken heart."

"You have us to help you through it dad."

"I know, I know. I just never thought I had it in me to speak to her that way, and now that I have, I'm not sure what I feel about it."

Castle kissed his daughter on her forehead and she spoke to him

"I yelled at her too. And I think I said some pretty nasty stuff dad"

Castle looked at her seriously. "What did you say to her?"

"I blamed her for you being here in this state"

"Alexis, sweetie, that's not fair… She didn't bomb the station"

"I know, and I feel like an idiot now…"

Castle hugged her and said "You will apologize to her soon okay? I didn't raise you to be this way. I know you were scared, but it's not her fault I was near the bomb."

"But it is her fault that you're in this mental state dad."

Castle huffed a sigh. He wouldn't deny it. Kate Beckett always knew how to play with his emotions.

Getting over her and moving on was going to be tough, because Castle had gotten used to always having her on his mind.

She filled his dreams at night as well as day, her voice had been music to his ears, her touch was what he craved at any given point of time, her fragrance had become a part of the air he breathed everyday.. All in all, she had become his life.

And now, he had to try and undo every step he had taken forward with her. To say it would be difficult would be an understatement.

In the next few days, Kate had tried every way she could to reach out to him. She went to the hospital, but he never let her see him. she tried calling him when she knew he had been discharged from the hospital, but he never picked her calls. Kate grew more and more desperate by the day.

Finally one day, she found herself outside his place, scared as hell, that even now, there were chances she would be denied the chance to talk to him.

She knocked on the door, but no one answered. She waited and then knocked again. But after hearing no movement at all from inside the loft, she finally gave up, and with a heavy heart and tears in her eyes, she began to back away.

She was just about to enter the elevator when she heard his front door open, and Martha stepped out, her hands folded across her chest, and her eyes looking on at her sadly.

"Martha…" Kate walked on towards her.

"Kate, If Rick knew I stepped out to talk to you, he'd never forgive me."

"He told you not to speak to me?" Kate asked with utmost hurt and fear.

"After everything you've put him through before this blast, I'm surprised that I still stepped out here to talk to you"

"Martha, you have to let me see him… I've made mistakes in our relationship, I'm aware of them and I just want another chance."

"That is not for me to decide darling. It's all him. But that's what I came here to tell you. He's not going to give you that chance."

Kate's heart broke a little more for the umpteenth time this week. The tears that fell down her face were now something she had gotten so used to. She couldn't care wiping them off. They'd just come back.

"He's made up his mind that he wants to move on, that he can't keep clinging on to something that is going nowhere. So I'm sorry Kate, but we'd appreciate it if you just give him his space. Let him move on. Let him recover without having to think about you, cause truly thinking about you, I can see, is stressing him out. Maybe everything that's happened is for the best."

"No Martha, you don't understand…" She cried out loud.

"Maybe I don't. But I know my son. And he's made his decision. He doesn't want to see you again."

She paused, looking with great pity upon this young woman whom she had come to see as her very own daughter in the past few years, and she felt horrible for having to do this.

"I'm sorry Katherine. But he deserves more. You both deserve more"

Kate shivered and her body racked with sobs, as she fell in the hallway, remembering the very same line said to her by her lover when he had proposed. Only it meant the exact opposite of what it did now.

Martha stepped into the loft and slowly closed the door. But she waited, and looked from the peephole until she knew Kate had picked herself up and gone home.

Only, Kate hadn't gone home. An hour later, she was sitting at an old bar; drinking shot after shot of vodka, drowning her sorrow in every sip, letting the burn of the alcohol take over her mind. She just wanted to forget everything that had been told to her. She couldn't believe this was happening to her.

One moment, she was having dreams about the perfect wedding with her Castle, and the next moment, she was being asked by his mother to let him be, to forget him and move on. She really didn't care about anything now. Her life was meaningless without him, and it would forever be that way. There was no reason, she felt, to care.

She looked at the time on her phone, and through her slightly blurring vision, she decided there was one place she needed to go.

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**Reviews please :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Thank you for all your reviews :) I love hearing what you guys have to say :) Really appreciate your time :) here's the next update :)**

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle

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Chapter 9

Every step towards her mother's grave stone was slow and steady. And as she drew closer, her heart grew heavier. The eerie silence of the night worried at her ears and gave her a sick feeling, which was partly cause of the amount of alcohol she had consumed. She knelt down at her mom's grave, and spoke.

"I messed up mom. Again!"

Slowly, her body shivered and she sat down, pulling her knees up close to her chest, and hiding her face between her knees. She cried. She cried for her mother, for Castle, and for a life of joy that she had thrown away cause of her stupid decisions.

"I messed up mom!" She screamed. "Why, Why aren't you here when I need you, I needed you to tell me I was doing the wrong thing! I need you mom!"

The cold air of the night, whistled around her and she knew she could just be dreaming, but she could have sworn she heard her mom's voice saying "I'm here". If anything it only made her heart pain more.

She sat there for a while, telling her mom of all the pain she's been putting herself through, and how this was only the beginning.  
Trying to live without Castle by her side was going to be the hardest part, and she prayed for some way for her to wake up from this horrible nightmare that's been causing her nothing but excruciating pain.

That night, she walked on home, took a shower, changed into her loose comfortable clothes and went to bed soon after.

Only to have dreams in which she cried on her mom's shoulder and told her everything about Castle, and just her words and comforting touch was enough to make her feel better. But the comfort was short lived; it was only in her dream.

For when her eyes opened the next morning, there was a pin in her head, and a million in her heart.  
The former she knew was temporary and cause of the drinks; the latter, she'd have to get used to, for it was not going to leave anytime soon.

* * *

Castle was sitting at his desk, staring at his laptop and the many words that his fingers had typed out, words that his heart had dictated. He'd been doing this since the day he'd been discharged from the hospital.

It was almost two weeks since he'd been sent home, and the words he wrote, they were always about the one woman who had changed his life for always. About the one woman, who seemed to inspire him to write even when she was no longer with him.

it may have not been like the writing he did for his series of book he'd made about her, but it was things about her he'd never put into a book, things about her that only he had the privilege of knowing, things about her that he had observed and never told her. And it pained him that he would never tell her.

What surprised him was that even with those bitter feelings in his heart he felt for her, he couldn't manage to put them down in words. His words were only praises of her, her beauty, her strength, and her ways of making him fall in love with her. The bitter feelings were confined to his heart, and he just couldn't put them down on screen.  
It frustrated him, infuriated him.

He closed his laptop, and pushed it away, and then hid his head down in his hands.

And before he could lose himself in thoughts about forgetting her, there was a knock on his door. It was Alexis.

"Dad, I was just going out to get some stuff from the grocers, is there anything you'd like me to get for you?"

"No, thanks pumpkin." he smiled sadly. And she knew at once that he'd been thinking of her again. She knew at once that he didn't want to, but he couldn't help it.

"Dad, would you like to come out with me?" she asked, hoping he'd say yes. He'd been in the loft ever since the day he was discharged, he was fit enough now to go out, but he refused to, whenever given the chance.

"No sweetheart, I'll be alright, you go ahead."

He smiled at his daughter, and waved her off. And after she had left, he poured himself a glass of scotch and sat back to forget.

* * *

There was a knock on her door, and she moaned in frustration. Who could it be at this time of the morning? She tried to ignore it. She drank too much again last night, after being yelled at by Gates at the precinct for her lack of concentration on the case they had been working on. This was the second time since the blast that she had to be on the receiving end of Gates firing.

She needed a break and so she had asked for a few days off, just to get herself together. But it didn't seem to work, every night she found herself drinking a little too much, drowning her sorrows into the bottle and when she'd wake up in the morning, she'd feel guilty for letting herself lose control that way, for allowing herself to fall under the influence of alcohol.

And this morning, the knocking on her door, felt louder than the pounding she felt in her head.

She pulled the eye mask over her head and slowly opened her eyes and checked her bedside clock. It was 9 am. She sat up, and held her head. She quickly tied her hair up into a messy bun, took an aspirin for her head ache, and stepped out of bed to go answer the door. She walked slowly to avoid falling and injuring herself.

She swung her door open, not caring to look through the peep hole first, because really, she didn't care anymore. There could be a gunman outside waiting to kill her, and she'd appreciate it.  
That's what her life felt like these days. A struggle. It would be easier to die than to try living without Him.

Katherine Beckett was faced with the one person she never though would come to her doorstep for anything.


	10. Chapter 10

**This is the last chapter I had written and saved. I need to start writing the rest now :) and trust me, it'll get better :)**

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle

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Chapter 10

The red head looked at her in complete seriousness.

Kate wiped down her face with her hand, trying to look a little more presentable.

"Alexis, what's wrong? Is everything alright?"

"Uhh... I needed to talk to you"

"Sure sure, Come in…"

Kate let her in and closed the door after she entered. This was the first time they had any interaction since that day the young woman had yelled at her and blamed her for her father's injuries. She couldn't imagine why she had come over to her place, and her mind quickly jumped to the conclusion that something's wrong. Castle.

"Alexis, Is everything okay, How's your dad?"

"He's fine." She lied. But for some reason, she didn't want to give the detective any more information.

"I'm here to apologize for my behaviour that day"

"Alexis, you don't need to…"

'No, I need to. It was not my place to speak to you that way. I lost my cool and said some pretty nasty things. I even blamed you for the incident, when it was clear that you had nothing to do with the blast"

"Alexis…"

"I'm sorry…"

"It's alright. I understand what you were going through at that moment. I'd yell at me if I were you too"

Alexis nodded and then there was an awkward silence after that.

Kate looked around, and so did Alexis. And Kate suddenly wanted to go hide somewhere. Her place was in a mess. There were bottles of vodka and whisky around the living room, making it pretty clear to the young adult that the detective was just as miserable as her dad.

"I'm sorry about the mess…" She paused. And then continued

"Alexis, Tell me honestly how is he doing?"

"I think I should leave now. He doesn't know I came here and he'll begin to worry if I don't go home soon."

"He doesn't have to know you were here. Just be honest with me" Kate pleaded.

"He's alright. He just doesn't go out as much as he used to"

Kate though for a moment and then said.  
"Wait here a moment, there's something I need to give you"

Kate rushed into her bedroom, only to return back with a business card in her hand. She gave it to Alexis and said.

"I know what it's like to be on the wrong side of a bullet. Tragedies like that take a huge toll on you, and I can just imagine what your dad is going through. I don't know how he is, or how much he's recovered, but it's natural for signs of PTSD to show around this time in his recovery.

is my therapist, and therapy really helps to get by. It takes time and you need to put in the work, but it really helped me."

"My dad does not have PTSD. He doesn't need a shrink. Why are you giving me this?" She spoke bitterly.

Kate smiled sadly.  
"Alexis, I know you probably hate me, but this is not about me. I'm not saying you need to take him to a shrink. I just want you to hold on to this. Just in case."

"Whatever. I need to leave now." She took the card from Kate's hand and walked to the door. Kate walked her out and just before she left Kate spoke.

"Alexis, I know things are not the same between us, and more over between your dad and me, but I'd hate if I lose all ties with you. I hope one day, you can forgive me, because I don't know about you, but you're the closest I have to a daughter.

And whether you like it or not, I care about you."

"I don't know if I'd ever believe that Kate. But if I do, I'll let you know"

Alexis began to walk away but then stopped in her tracks, turned around and said "You don't need to drink your way out of this you know. You could just simply try to move on"

"I wish it were that easy"

Alexis nodded, half smiled and walked away hesitantly.

* * *

**Leave me your reviews please :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

* * *

Chapter 11

Three months later.

"Mr. Castle, will see you now" the young receptionist said to him.

"Thank you" Castle replied o her and followed her in to the room.

"Good evening Richard"

"Hey" Castle said as he sat down on the couch opposite the doctor

"so, how have you been this week?"

"Better. I've been going out more often now."

"That's good. Do you still feel on edge?"

"Uhh...yea, sadly, sudden loud noises still startle me and get me panicked."

He looked down at the ground, feeling embarrassed actually, that he needed a therapist. He wouldn't have ever thought of coming for therapy if it wasn't for Alexis.

In that month after he was discharged, he avoided going out of the loft for anything, he thought he could fool his family, but Alexis saw right through him. She knew he was avoiding leaving the loft for possible fear of being in the same traumatic incident again.

She also knew he was jittery and shaky at times, and he resorted to drinks to help him calm his nerves. She also knew he'd wake up in the middle of the nights panting and with a cold sweat cause he was reliving the incident on and on in his head. And one day she broke down to him and between sobs, she asked him to see a therapist, and just for her, he agreed.

Dr burke was a really nice guy, and Castle really wanted to know how Alexis knew him. Or even how she had his contact. But he didn't ask. He wanted to put in the work for her.

But there was one thing that Castle hid from Alexis, and was now about to open up to Dr Burke about.

"there's something else I'd like to talk to you about."

"Go on" Burke said

"Remember how I told you I was going to see off my ex-girlfriend when the bomb exploded? Well... I sometimes have these nightmares in which she was hurt instead of me"

"this happens…"

"No. You don't understand. When I have those nightmares… I wake up from a cold sweat; but not cause of the blast. I fear for her"

"What's the status of your relationship with her now?"

Castle looked out towards the window and sighed.  
"I told her I didn't want to see her again"

"why so?"

"I want to move on from her"

"Your subconscious doesn't"

"She tries hard to get through to me. She still loves me." Castle admitted.

"And what about you?"

Castle didn't answer. He didn't want to admit to his therapist that he missed her. He missed Kate.

* * *

Burke knew who Richard Castle was talking about. He didn't need him to spell it out to him. Castle had never mentioned Kate's name. But he's heard the other end of the story too. Kate still came to him occasionally, when things needed to be sorted out in her head. And lately she'd been seeing him a lot. And it was all regarding the same incident, the same relationship, the same broken man sitting before him.

* * *

He put his notepad down and said

"why don't I leave it to you to figure out the answer to that. Come see me next week. And see that you continue the exercises I told you to do"

Castle stood up and then just before turning to leave, he said "Am I getting better or not? Cause for some reason, I see no progress"

Burke smiled at him "That's up to you Mr. Castle. Only you will know what's best for you and what's not, what heals you, that is. I'm just helping you realize it."

Castle nodded and walked out. And as he walked out of the elevator, he didn't notice the tall, young woman with the NYPD badge hooked on to her hip, enter the elevator besides his.

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	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

* * *

Chapter 12

Kate paced in front of .

"So what you're saying is he does come to see you. But you won't tell me how he is? Or if he's getting better? Or if he ever brings me up?"

"yes" said Burke.

"Oh come on. I recommended you to him."

"No you didn't. His daughter did. And he believes that."

"That's because he doesn't know"

"That's not even the point Kate. You're here for you. Not for him"

Kate plopped herself down on the sofa and buried her face into her hands. Frustrated.

"Only, I am here for him" she said softly.  
And then looked up at him.

"I am here for him, because he's all I ever think about. It's so much that I can't concentrate on anything else. I worry for him. I wish he'd let me come near, let alone talk to him."

Kate, you've been seeing me for a long time now, what started off with just PTSD turned into helping you sort out issues in your personal life. You know how I work. Now, I am treating him, but that doesn't mean I'm allowed to tell you about his case.  
But I can tell you one thing. He's healing."

"That's the problem. I don't know if, you saying he's healing, is good or for me or not."

Burke smiled. "Let's talk about how these past two weeks have been with you"

"I've cut down on the alcohol."

"Cut down. Not stopped entirely?"

"I can't. Sometimes I just need to erase the images of him lying in that blood, I want to try and forget the words he said when he pushed me out of his life. Its times like these I need the alcohol."

"Kate, do you think you'll ever get over this?"

"No. I don't want to. What am I supposed to do ha? Just try and forget him No!"

She stood up now and started pacing. "I want him back. I just need to know if he does too"

"What if he doesn't?"

"Did he tell you that?"

"Kate." He looked at her disapprovingly.

"He must have told you that. Why else would you say such a thing? I've told you everything about the relationship we had" the use of past tense in her own words still hurt.

"All I'm saying is. You have to be ready to move on. You can't hold on for so long if he doesn't want anything to do with you."

"That's enough. I don't want to sit here and listen to this"

"Kate. This argument is not with me. This argument is one you have in your head all day long isn't it?"

She looked at him sternly, and then blinked. The tears came to her eyes.

"Okay. I think that's all for this week."

"I'll come by next Saturday"

And just before she let herself out she turned to him and asked.  
If he comes to see you every Saturday, why is it that I never run into him?

"Beats me" he said.  
And after she had left, Dr. Burke shook his head and smiled to himself.

* * *

_Sunday night. _

"Okay, so I'll see you tomorrow morning at 9 then."

Alexis heard her father say to someone over the phone.

"Alright, see you, bye"

"Who was that?" she sat beside him on the couch.

Just an old friend. I'm meeting her for coffee tomorrow."

"What's her name?"

"Christine"

"so... you're dating again?"

"I realized it'll help me move on"

Alexis knew that her dad was trying his best to heal for her. But what she wasn't so sure of was his methods.

And now, she was beginning to doubt whether Kate not being in his life was a good or bad thing.

Cause if her dad was going to be seeing other women, would they be better or worse than Kate Beckett.

* * *

**What do you think? am I still holding your interest in this story? :)  
Leave me a review. :)**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

**AN:**** So here's the next update. Guys, I know the angst is getting too much now, (I'm sorry, i get a little carried away) but I'm fixing it... don't worry. just stay with me. There will be fluff soon :)**

All mistakes are mine.. really sorry. My editor needs to fare well in her exams :P She's amazing btw :)

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Chapter 13

Kate woke up early, and decided she needed to run. And after a long run around central park, a run that she thought would help her stay distracted from missing him, but only made her think about him more, she stopped at a café for breakfast.

She sat at a corner booth with her coffee in hand, and browsed through the morning paper. She didn't realize how time flew and when she checked the time on her iPhone, it was almost 9.

She was just about to leave when she saw a familiar face enter the café.

'Familiar' would be an understatement.

The face she saw was the very same one that her lips would worship at night, the same face that hovered over hers with darkened eyes when she entered the world of ecstasy with him, the very same face she'd wake up every morning to, the same face she had brought hurt to.

Her heart raced. She didn't know what she was feeling anymore, for Richard Castle had not entered the café alone.  
He was here with a woman.

A young, tall, sexy, blonde woman.  
And he had his hand around her.

And it made her insides burn.

Kate sat lower in her seat. She really didn't want to be spotted by him yet. She watched as he sat the young woman down, and then went to place their coffee order.

He was seeing someone else.  
He was seeing someone else.  
He was seeing someone else. her conscience taunted her.  
He was seeing, tall, blonde someone else.  
He was holding someone else.  
He was buying coffee for someone else.  
He was holding that someone else's hand too.

She was sick. Kate left from the back exit of the coffee shop and puked everything she had consumed just a few minutes back. Her insides hurt. Her heart ached. Her body shivered. She wasn't sure which emotion was stronger. Jealousy or Sorrow.

Was it really that easy for him to get over her? Did he really hate her as much as he showed? Kate wasn't sure what to believe anymore.

She took a cab home, and called in sick at work.

And as she nursed herself to a second glass of scotch that morning, her tears flowed endlessly. She undid every effort she had put in to stop drowning her sorrows into the bottle.

She'd been waiting for that moment she'd get to see him again. A chance to get to talk to him again and to try and explain how badly she needs him. But right now, she just wished she hadn't seen him at all.

Cause everytime she tried picturing him, she pictured the woman beside him, and how it could have been her in his arms today, had she not made such horrible mistakes in her life.

She was beginning to wonder whether it would be any use fighting for him. He was seeing someone. what if he really felt nothing for her anymore? But that voice in her head quickly called out again, reminding her how he fought for her, waited for her, watched her date three men he despised with all his heart.

And if he could fight for her, for 4 years, who was she to give up on them now.

Kate didn't want to give up. She still wanted to meet him. talk to him, convince him to take her back. Even after knowing he was seeing someone else. She knew he must still feel something for her.

And so she decided, once and for all, she was going to see him first thing Monday morning.

* * *

It was Friday evening.

Castle had just got done with his session with .

He told him that he had started seeing this other girl Christine. And about how everything seemed forced with her. How it wasn't real. It wasn't Kate. And all said was  
"Then I don't think I need to tell you what your next step should be"

And Castle knew immediately, he couldn't go on this way. He was fooling no one. It had been just three days with Christine and everything just seemed fake. So he had made his decision. He was going to tell her he wasn't ready for a relationship yet.

Castle didn't expect to see Christine waiting for him outside in the waiting room. And when he walked to her, to where she was sitting near the window, she stood up and literally jumped on him, and locked her lips to his. He had no choice but to hold her to stop from falling, and the woman was one hell of a kisser, he had to admit.

* * *

Kate had called Friday evening, saying she'd have to come see him that evening instead of Saturday as she had other appointments for Saturday.

The one person, or rather two persons she never expected to see that evening, had decided to make an appearance.  
but it wasn't just them being at the doctors that surprised her, it was the way she saw them. she had just entered the waiting room and there, standing near the window, were the two love birds.

And she froze.

His arms were around her, her arms were around his neck, and her tongue down his throat.

Kate lost every sense she had. Her vision went blurred, her body went numb. she even stopped breathing.

But all of this for just a second.

Because everything that she did soon after was a result of pure unadulterated anger towards the tramp in Castle's arms.

* * *

Castle was just about to pull away. He couldn't do this anymore, he needed to tell her. But even before he could push her away, Christine pulled away suddenly, the sound of the smack of their lips loud and wet.

And that's when Castle saw. It wasn't Christine who pulled away from the kiss. It was someone who pulled her away from the kiss.  
That someone was Kate Beckett

and it all happened so fast, Kate pulled her away cursing under her breath. Christine startled, screamed "What the hell?"

"Who do you think you are?" Kate spat out after pinning Christine to the ground.

Castle finally managed to say something in that state of shock

"Kate, What in the world…?"

But Kate's attention didn't budge. She held Christine by the collar, the anger in her so evident in the red rims of her eyes, that vein on her forehead bulging out and throbbing.

"How dare you kiss him?! My boyfriend. You kissed my man!"

"Kate! Enough! Get off of her!" Castle tried to interfere.

"Shut up! You never cared to talk to me all these days. So you can just do the same and ignore whatever's happening here."

"Kate! What's gotten into you! You're being ridiculous"

"Get off of me Bitch!" Christine yelled. And Kate drew her arm back, ready to hit the tramp, when a hand caught hers from behind.

"That's it, Detective Beckett, You need to stop this instant." Dr. Burke's voice was loud and demanding.

And that's when Kate came back to her senses. Her stiffened arm loosened in the doctor's hold.

Her face changed when she realized what she had done. Her lips parted, but no words came. She quickly got up, and looked at Castle, standing shocked before her, a questioning and worried look on his face. But he said nothing.

And all Kate wanted, was to run away.

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**Reviews please :)**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

* * *

Chapter 14

"Kate, please go wait for me in my office. We will talk about this there" Dr. Burke spoke firmly.

"I'm sorry" she mumbled… and then she looked at Castle, and the tears came back like a storm. As she whispered another "I'm sorry" and covered her mouth and hurried into the doctors room.

All the while knowing that Castle eyes had been on her till she was out of sight.

* * *

Castle stopped the car in front of her building. He sighed and then looked at the woman beside him.  
"Christine, I'm sorry"

"I told you Rick. It's alright"

"I wish I could explain all of this to you in a better way"

"No, I get it"

"You do?"

"Yea, she's still in love with you. In fact, madly in love with you. She made that very clear to me tonight"

"you're being really understanding about this"

"Cause I can imagine what she's going through"

"Thank you… for not pressing charges. I don't know what it would have done to her job. She clearly wasn't thinking straight when she made that move."

"Hmmm"

there was an awkward silence between them. And then she said,  
"I better get going"

"Let me walk you to your door"

they got out of the car and walked to her door.  
"I'm sorry, once again, that this didn't work out between us"

"I should have seen it coming" she spoke with a sad smile.

"Did I make it too obvious to you that I was never really into it?"

"Let's just say I knew there was someone else on your mind all the time"

"So, take care of yourself."

"Goodnight Richard. And, all the best"

Christine got up on her toes and placed a soft kiss on Castle's cheek. It was the last time he was seeing her.

After everything that happened, Rick had explained to her how everything was just a mess right now, and how he still needed to sort out things. And so he couldn't be in a relationship with her. She was hurt. But she understood.

Castle walked back to his car. His head ached with the amount of things running through his mind. He leaned against the hood of his car for a while. Wiped his hand down his face. And then punched the car in anger.

"Kate!" he yelled out.

He then got into his car and drove. He just drove around the place for the next hour, giving himself time to think.

Kate was going crazy without him. He saw today what his absence in her life was doing to her. And to think that she saw another woman kissing him that way, and that's what caused that outbreak, that unleashing of a side of Kate that he had never seen before.

He was willing to bet that if no one stopped her, she would have physically assaulted Christine. Castle couldn't help but think about how his state would have been the same, if the roles were reversed. And she was right; he really hasn't given her the chance to talk to him, or to even see him ever since he was in the hospital.

Maybe they did need to talk. Maybe they just needed…

He didn't say it. Not even in his mind. He couldn't decide yet, just what they needed.

* * *

When entered his office Kate was standing at the window, and from what he could see, she was crying.

"I should be put in prison for that kind of behaviour" she said when she knew he was seated in his chair. She turned around and walked to the couch and sat.

"Do we need to talk about this today?" she said, hesitantly.

"No. but what I do need you to do is calm down"

"I know"

They sat in silence for a while. Until Kate stood up and said "I'm alright. I'll come see you tomorrow. If I'm not behind bars, that is."

And she walked out, still unable to process or believable whatever she had just done to Castle's new girlfriend.

She drove straight home.

Kate went straight to her bathroom, and opened the taps to fill her bathtub. She needed to just calm down and what better way, than soaking in her tub for a while. She took off her clothes and wrapped her robe around her as she waited for the tub to fill.

There was a knock on her door. She looked at her watch. 'An odd hour for anyone to be visiting' she thought. She went to the door, and on opening it, saw him. The man of the hour.

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**Reviews please :)**


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

* * *

Chapter 15

"Kate, may I come in?"

The look on Kate's face was blank. She wasn't sure how to react.  
But she moved away from the door way, allowing him to enter, and after he did, she closed the door. But didn't turn to him.

"Okay. We need to talk" he said.

She laughed. And that surprised him.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"Nothing. It's just, the last time it was me saying those words. And we all know where that led us"

Castle didn't say anything in reply. Instead, he waited for her to say something.

"Why are you here?"  
She wasn't looking him in the eye.

"I'm here to talk"

"About what?"

"I don't know. Maybe about whatever happened this evening!"

"Really? You're here to ask me for an explanation for my behaviour this evening?" she got louder.

"I don't know Kate! Somewhere in the course of your little stunt today, you said I was ignoring you. Well I'm here now. Tell me"

he spoke just as sternly as her. Both of them- too stubborn to let their walls fall.

"Tell you?! Fine! Castle, I made a mistake. I made a mistake and you were angry, I get it. I completely understand. And I deserved to be punished. I did."  
Her voice began to break.

"but Rick, you pushed me out of your life, you lost all touch with me, you got your family to keep me away from you, do you even know how much that hurts?!"

Somewhere during her statement, her anger turned into pure hurt, the tears began to roll down her skin again.  
And the tough Castle that had entered her doorstep just minutes back, could feel his wall crumbling at the sight of her.

"Kate…"

"Castle, I understand you were hurt, I understand you got tired of me pushing you out all the time. And I regret ever doing that to you… But Castle... I can't live without you, I need you"

And with that, she broke down. And Castle had to stop himself from running to her and pulling her to him, into his arms, into his embrace. Cause there were still so many things to be said.

"You were willing to leave me here, in NY and move to DC."

"I was crazy" she cried out.

"You didn't trust that I could be a part of your new life"

"I don't know what I was thinking..."

"You pushed me out more times than I can count in the last 4 years Kate, and so I had to do it to you once and for all."

"How can you do it? How can you live this way?"

Castle looked around for the first time since he had entered the apartment. There were bottles kept all around. She hadn't cleaned her apartment in days. It was a mess. And the sheets on the couch told him she'd been sleeping there and not in her bed.

"Kate, you've been drinking?"

"It was the only way I could distract myself when the pain wouldn't stop"

"What pain?" he had to ask.

"Don't be stupid Castle. You know what you are to me. Do you really think I'd just be okay with you pushing me out of your life? You really think all of this doesn't hurt?"

"Well, apparently, you thought that of me" he shot back!

"I made a mistake Castle! I fucking messed up again!" she yelled.

"What do you want me to do?!" he spoke in his loudest, angriest tone.

And then he saw it. There was a change in her demeanour. The wild, angry, tough Kate Beckett's resolve broke. Her face turned small.

"I did something that was totally not like me today when I attacked your girlfriend"

"About that…" he tried to interrupt but she stepped forward and continued.

"My next move is also something I don't usually do"

she was right in front of him now, tears streaming down her face. She looked into his eyes, and spoke.

"I don't know how you did it, I don't know how you managed to forget me, and move on, and even fall in love again, but I'm sure of one thing Castle, I'll never get over you. I have loved just once in my life and that love is you. I will never love again…"

and in the next second, she had fallen to her knees before him, "I'm sorry" she whispered between sobs. Castle was startled, his immediate reflexes making him hold her arms, and kneel down with her.

"What are you doing Kate?" he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm such a fail. Just please… forgive me. I need you Rick."

* * *

**what do you think? :) Review please :)**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

* * *

Chapter 16

Castle couldn't take it anymore; he wrapped his arms around her, and pulled her to him. He tucked her head under his chin and gently rubbed his hand on her back, soothing her shaking form.

She was shivering. And Kate Beckett only ever shivered when she feared for a loved one. And those were rare moments.

"Shhh baby…" he soothed and kissed over her head.

He closed his eyes and felt a warm tear roll down his own cheek. He hadn't realized the moisture building in his eyes as she was speaking to him. But there was nothing more painful than seeing Kate crumble.

She sobbed into his shoulder. Bitterly crying out all her pain from the past few weeks she had spent without him near.

"Kate, please... you don't have to do any of this," he felt so bad when she got down on her knees, apologizing to him. He never ever wanted Kate to beg him for anything. And he felt horrible that she felt obligated to do it now.

"Look here" he whispered

she slowly looked up to him, her fists holding on tight to his shirt, like she was afraid to let him go, for fear she may never have this moment with him again. He placed his hands over hers and put his lips to her head for a long moment. And he immediately felt her shivering body calm down, but the tears never stopped. So he spoke into her skin

"I forgive you Kate... I do. Please don't hurt yourself this way. Please"

"Oh Castle" she said, and a new batch of sobs broke out. He hugged her again, tighter this time, knowing that the tighter he held her, the faster she'd calm down.

They stayed that way for a long while, until her hysterical sobs slowed down. He then pushed a stray hair away from her face and looked deep into her eyes. There was a moment she thought if he would just lean in let their lips touch, everything would be okay. But then…

all of a sudden she pulled away and got up..

Kate?" he called out

"You shouldn't be here Castle… your girlfriend... she's probably waiting."

"Kate."

"I wanted you to forgive me…"

"Is that all you wanted of me?"

"No. but it doesn't matter now"

She turned around, not willing to face him.

"Kate. Tell me! Will you?!" he urged.

"What does it matter? You're with someone else now. You've moved on from me. There's no reason for you to take me back"

and then he said softly.  
"I never let you go in the first place"

Kate turned around and looked at him. He was still kneeling on the floor.  
He got up then and slowly walked towards her.

"I tried to move on; I'm not going to lie to you. But the truth is, my heart was never in it. I was never able to see Christine the way she wanted me too... cause I was always thinking about you."

"How long..." Kate began to ask.

"I've been seeing her for the past week."

Kate looked down at the ground. The image of that woman with Castle at the coffee shop was imprinted into her mind.

"You took her to coffee" she stated matter-of-factly.

"Yea. I did and… Wait." Castle looked at her in confusion. "How do you know…?"

"I was at the café when you brought her there"

"Oh... Kate, I'm so sorry…" he was standing before her now.

She didn't say a word.

"We're not together anymore"

"what? Did she break up with you because of..."

"Yes"

"I'm so…"

"Kate stop it!"

"Castle..."

"I know, okay? I know! It hurt to see me with someone else. And I'm sorry you had to see that."

She looked up at him.

"You kissed her"

"technically, she kissed me."

Kate sighed and walked aside.

He followed her and then she spoke  
"what are we doing Rick?"

"Procrastinating" he replied.  
She looked up at him and in the next moment, a tiny smile donned her lips.

"I was wondering if I'll ever get to see that smile again."

"You're getting there" there was silence then and she moved closer to him  
"What now?"

"May I take you to coffee tomorrow morning?"

"You're asking me out on a date?"

"It's a new start"

"Yes. I would love to. But not the same café, please."

"Definitely not".

They both smiled then and just looked into each other's eyes.  
"I'm sorry I put you through all of this" he said

"I've put you through worse. And I deserved it every bit of pain."

He thought for a moment and said "Touché"

she hit him playfully, and he leaned down and locked his lips with hers. And she slowly surrendered into his embrace. His lips moved smoothly against hers, eliciting feelings in her she thought she would never feel again. She melted into him as his hands roamed her back and played in her hair, his tongue sought entrance into her mouth and she let him.

Because this was what they both needed. That connection.

She moaned into his lips and he smiled. His hands began to get more adventurous then and his kiss more passionate. She devoured his lips and tongue for all it's worth and when his hand wandered down over her lower back, she at once knew where this was headed. She pushed forward into him and that's when she felt it. His arousal, pressing through his jeans against her. He moaned breathlessly and then suddenly pulled away.

"Why are you naked under the robe? Were you expecting me?"

She spoke breathlessly "No, I wasn't. I was getting ready to soak in my bathtub for a few hours"

"well, you already are soaking" he wiggled his eye brows at her

she laughed. Then she kissed him again, this time slowing it down.  
And this time when they pulled away he asked

"May I have the pleasure of soaping you up in that hot tub you've got ready?"

"I thought you'd never ask"

* * *

**The end :)**

**Not really, I'm just pulling your leg :P**  
**there's still some more things they need to sort out :) More to come soon :)**

**Please leave me a review :) would like to know what you think :)**


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

**AN: So guys, here's the next update :) hope you like it :)**  
**I apologize for all grammatical errors :(**  
**and also, I was supposed to post these chapters three days ago :O but the site wasn't cooperating :( Anywho, read on and let me know what you think. ;)**

* * *

Chapter 17

She took off her clothes as he watched from the tub. He was already seated inside, leaning back against the head of the tub.

He watched her with eyes of lust as she untied the tie of her robe and pushed it off her shoulders. It dropped to the ground behind her with a soft thud. And Castle's eyes fixed on to her glorious naked form.

It felt just like the first time he saw her. Her cream skin, so tempting and touchable. Her body reacted immediately to the cool air of the room and he stared at her.

It was like watching the sunset; it calmed you, and yet awoke something in you that takes over every other sense. It was beauty at its peak. And he loved this beauty before him.

She stepped closer to the tub. And he tried to say something, but all words left his mind when he gazed upon those two beautiful legs that he'd always loved and respected. His eyes stayed glued to them as she stepped into the water, standing between his legs, looking back at him with those sultry eyes, and she lowered herself into the water, sitting between his legs and then leaning back to rest against his chest...

The water hugged her skin, caressing her with love.. And Castle wished he had the privilege they had, to be all around her, all at once, to know every bit of her, to touch every cell on her skin and just be there.

Castle had to take a moment to absorb everything before he let his hands touch her. He could feel her melt onto him. This beauty, his woman, lying against him was breathing softly and he felt her heartbeats resound through her back to his chest.

He slowly moved her hair over one of her shoulders to gain access to that long neck. And she closed her eyes as his lips descended on the said skin to worship it. He placed small butterfly kisses all over her skin at first and then went on to suck lightly on her pulse point.

He waited till he heard her appreciation and then began to move his lips up to her ear. He nipped at it lightly, while his hands had wandered down to her waist, exploring the expanse of her skin... Leaving her restless for more of his touch. The more he teased, the more restless she got and She felt his hear beat race against her back.

"I missed this. I missed you" he whispered at her ear

And she turned her head a little, raising her hand out of the water to angle his head towards hers, and she kissed him, slow, long and sweet.. Tasting him like he was her favourite desert, which he was.

Castle sought entrance into her mouth, probing his tongue and she willingly let him.

But she also didn't have a choice cause his hand was now massaging her breast and Kate's lips had parted on a moan. He grabbed that opportunity among other things and invaded her mouth, making her feel just how much he had missed this.

She guided his hand lower down her torso, until it reached her core and the minute she felt his touch, she couldn't concentrate on the kiss any more.. She pulled away to stare into his baby blues. And he explored her underwater. His talented fingers doing what they do best, telling a story. He did that through the act of pleasing her.

And just the thought of having those very same fingers, the ones that wrote endlessly about her, touch her in such sinful ways, set a fire ablaze in her.

He began kissing her neck again. This time sucking hard on her delicate skin. And all of those sensations running through her brought her to the edge... So close to where she wanted to be. And if he would just move his fingers towards...

even before she could finish that thought, his hand moved back up, above the surface of the water! And she moaned his name out loud... More in frustration now, than pleasure!

"What the hell Castle!" she asked and turned a bit to look at him... But all he did was smile. He took the loofa she had kept aside and poured a few drops of her body wash onto it. She watched him intently.

"Relax Kate. Please" and she did. She leaned back against him. He then began to gently move the loofa across her skin... Starting with her shoulders... Then along her hands... She closed her eyes and allowed him this...

Her senses were on high alert. She could feel so much... Especially how his already hard member was pressed against her back, growing more impatient with every new region of her he soaped. She moved a little against him, and he had to stop for a moment, just to get some control back... He was being so patient.

And Kate couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with the significance of it all. He was washing her off all the dirt and grime of the day. He was washing her of all her hurt and pain cleansing her and forgiving her. While at the same time leaving a coating of pure love on her skin. And when the loofa and his hand reached her breasts, she closed her eyes and rested her head back on his shoulder.

He circled around each of them... And then over them.. And he heard her gasp. And somewhere under water, he let go of the loofa, choosing to soap her up with his hands.. He tweaked her nipples, causing her to bite down on her lip.. And when she arched her lower body upwards in response to a squeeze.. He knew he had her where he wanted...

"You're extraordinary Kate"

"Oh... Castle... Don't stop"

And once again, she guided his hand down between her legs, but this time she wouldn't let him go, for fear he may leave her hanging off the edge of her pleasure again.

So she guided his fingers to touch her the way she liked. He already knew the paths. But he always loved to follow her lead. He loved it when she took charge and told him what to do

"oh... Just like that"

Kate knew she was close and also sure as hell she didn't want to do this without him. And so she turned and crawled over him until her face was inches apart from his. Her hand was underwater and Castle wasn't really sure where exactly.

When he suddenly felt her hand fisting him, he let his head fall back.. His hands holding on tight to the rims of the tub! And he shut his eyes tight. "Fuck! KATE!"  
She smiled that mischievous smile of hers and said "You like that Ricky?"

"baby... you know it... Now get over here'

He ordered. And she listened. She angled him to her entrance and he watched with pure lust. But just before she could lower herself onto him, he noticed a little hesitancy in her. Just a flicker of it across her eyes.

He held her waist and made her sit on his thighs.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

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	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

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Chapter 18

"Nothing... Let's just..." she rose up again. But he stopped her

"no Kate. Wait. Tell me"

He didn't care that this interruption had ruined the build-up. He just wanted to know why she hesitated.

"Castle..." she spoke seriously.

"Did you sleep with her?"

Castle looked at how unsure she was and it surprised him. She really was asking that question. She really didn't know just what place she holds in his life.

"Kate..."

"just tell me if you did Castle. I don't need to know details."

"I'm not giving you details..."

"That means you did sleep with her" she said in a voice so shaky it scared Castle. And she seemed like she was just going to walk away from him.

"Kate!" he said firmly and held on to her shoulders.  
She looked at him. Tears waiting to fall from her eyes.

"I've been to her place for dinner, but that's all. The last person I remember sleeping with was a detective name Katherine Beckett..."

"Did you ever take Christine to the loft?"

"Never. She's only made it to the lobby of the building" he laughed.

And her face immediately broke out into a smile. And Castle pulled her in for a passionate kiss, showing her just how much he loved her.

Without letting their foreheads separate, Kate asked at his lips, "so this detective, Katherine Beckett... what's she like in bed?"

"Im sorry... I don't kiss and tell"

she hit him playfully across the chest and he laughed.

"Well I have my ways of making you talk" she said, while naughtily tracing the line of his jaw.

"You do?"

"mm hmmm" she hummed as her face lowered down to his Adams apple.

A low rumble rose from his chest and she felt it vibe against her lips. His hands found her waist again.

"Getting this show back on the road ha?" he asked.

"Sit back and enjoy the show sir, mind you. I've heard the finale is mind blowing."

And that was the last time her lips left his skin before she kissed and nipped and sucked her way down to his chest, massaging his broad expanses of skin with lips that dripped with lust. Her mouth was sinful against him. And it never failed to impress.

She had great skills underwater and Rick Castle was always grateful to whoever taught her to hold her breath under water for so long. Her mouth worked him up like a pro and she knew just the right ways to make him swear.

And just when she knew he was close, she returned to her position above him and slowly and dangerously slid down on him. They both needed a moment. To feel; before they begun anything. It had been so long. And the feeling of each other, one so filling, and the other so enveloping that it overwhelmed them.

Kate was breathing hard against his ear. And she said between breaths "I love you Rick"

"I love you more Kat..."  
she began to move... And he lost control over speech. Just the same effect she always had on him.

The water around them began to splash and most of it was flowing out of the tub with every move she made above him, and when he began to meet her every thrust. The water around them was as frenzied as their erratically beating hearts.

"Ahhh... Cas..."

She was close  
And so was he

She bit down on his ear and he took it as motivation

"come on.." he urged with a harder thrust into her.

"Yes yes... Oh yes" she moaned.

And just as her walls closed in around him to let go of all control, he let go too.  
And they both came together... In a mess of moans, and whispered names, sounds that were too sinful to be made and tangled limbs in a tub of water that was once as warm as the heat from sun.

And now as she rested against him, the water seemed cool against their heated bodies. The whole point of a bath was lost because here they were, needing another shower.

She chuckled. And he asked. "What?"

"we need a shower"

"there's no point. I'm motivated by jealousy, to do you, when I see water touch you"

Kate kissed over his heart. "That's so sweet" she said

And then he continued  
"and speaking of jealousy... Your actions earlier today were cause of Jealousy, I'm sure you will admit"

"I will do no such thing" she argued, her palm on his chest, looking him straight in the eyes with a smile so smug.

"I am a first-hand witness Detective. How can you deny it? You held that woman by her collar and threw her to the ground, only to pin her down and come so close to hitting the daylights out of her"

"I'm not denying that I did it"

"but your denying that it was a result of jealousy?" he teased. And that's what he thought they were doing. Teasing. Until

"I wasn't jealous okay" she spoke loudly and seriously, and then she rose up to her feet, got out of the tub and wrapped a towel around herself

"Kate..." he tried calling her back.

But she just walked

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	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

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Chapter 19

"Kate, listen..." he quickly got up, wiped himself a bit with a towel, and then wrapped it around his waist and followed.

"Kate..."

"Don't talk to me"

"You didn't let me finish"

she finally turned around to face him "Fine... Finish what you got to say. I'm sure you've got some more lines up your sleeve to tease me with" she deadpanned.

He stepped closer and she couldn't help but feel the warmth in her, growing hungrier from looking at him wearing nothing but a towel and a smile, his hair, wet, and then there was that drop of water that dripped down from his hair onto his neck and down his chest.  
And she couldn't get her eyes off of it. She wondered how it wasn't evaporating off his skin.

She so badly wanted to kiss him there and drink that tiny drop off of him. She was brought back to reality when he said "did you hear what I just said?"

"huh? No sorry, what?"

He laughed and said "I think you're really hot when you're jealous"

"oh please"

"I'm serious Kate," he stepped closer to her.

"watching you slap another woman across her face, then throw her to the ground and almost hit her, just cause she kissed me, Totally turns me on"

"Cas.."

"don't castle me..." he said sexily as he put his arm around her and pulled her against him,

"I was this close to picking you off of Christine and pushing you up against burkes door to fuck you"

"that good ha?" she teased, with a roll of her hips against him

"there's just something really hot about you getting possessive about me"

"She was kissing you.. She was kissing lips that are mine. I needed to show her who's boss" she said and kissed him with all her strength.

Castle pulled away to say  
"you did... And you did it damn well too"

and she locked her lips with his again. Kissing with more fervour and possessiveness  
"she had her arms around you... And I was almost certain she was trying to make you feel more than a kiss"

this time Rick clashed his lips against hers.  
He could feel her anger rising as she recalled the incident.

She pulled away again to say "She thought she could have this"

And that's when Kate pulled his towel off of him and threw it behind her. She took a step behind and then jumped onto him. Winding her long sleek legs around him and her arms around his neck. And she ground herself against his already hardened member.

She bit into his neck, not just once, but a number of times. Marking him. Pure animal instinct taking over.

And every bite, every little mark her teeth left on his skin, got him even more turned on. He finally walked her to her bed and put her down, he crawled above her and said, "I'm all yours Kate... Always"

And then, as if the inner animal in him had been released from its cage, And Kate was even willing to bet she heard something like a roar erupt from deep in his chest, he pushed her legs apart and lowered his face to her glistening wet core..  
And call it animal instinct or what, but he sure knew how to release her inner beast.

Kate writhed on the bed at the mercy of his oh so talented lips and tongue.

She always knew his mouth was gifted, and every time he went down on her, it stood testimony to that fact. And now, after this long dry spell in their relationship, every little touch heightened her want and desire to be one with him, to make him hers, to feel that connection. And oh, it was working just fine.

When Kate pulled him back up to lay beside her, Castle had a smug smile on his face. And she wanted to kiss him senseless. But this moment was just so beautiful. And she wanted to live in it forever.

She snuggled into his arms and said "Thank you"

He chuckled "Are you thanking me for going down on you?"

"You're really good at it" she played along, talking directly to his chest.

"So I've been told"

She bit his skin

"owwww"

"I was saying thank you for being here. For taking me back"

He lifted her face up to look at him.

"Hey, you're beautiful... And you're everything to me"

She smiled. And he couldn't resist. His lips had a thing for Kate Beckett's smile. He leaned down and started a kiss that went on and on... And even made them lose track of time. They were lost together in a world of love, a world that they had banned themselves from the day they fought and were now allowed to explore again. And what was more important was that they were lost together.

Somewhere in the middle of the night Castle's phone began to ring. It woke both of them up and Castle reached across from Beckett to get it.

"Who is it?" she mumbled.

Castle eyes took time to adjust to the light blinking on his phone  
"It's Alexis"  
he picked the call soon

And Kate became more alert when she heard him say it was his daughter. Panic began to grow in her.

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	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle**

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Chapter 20

Castle sat up and spoke. And Kate sat too.

"Hey pumpkin"

"yea. Yea... I'm sorry. I should've told you."  
Kate placed her hand on his back.

"Yea. I'm... I'm at Kate's"

There was a long pause then and Kate wondered what she must be saying to him. But maybe she wasn't saying anything at all.

"Yea. We'll talk when I'm home tomorrow okay?"

"good night pumpkin. I love you" he said with the sweetest smile on his face.

He ended the call and kept the phone aside.

He turned back around and found Kate nibbling on her little finger.

"What did she say?"

Castle scooted back to Sit beside her, with his back against the backrest. He put his arm around her and kissed her temple and said

"she was just worried cause she came home and found me missing, that's all"

"Castle, What did she say when you mentioned me?"

"Kate.."

"you don't need to hide it from me.. Just tell me... We both know she doesn't see me in the same light that she used to. And I deserve it after everything I've put her father through"

"Kate, Stop it. You don't deserve that. You may have gone down a few wrong roads, but they were for all the right reasons." he explained

"she doesn't see it that way Rick. What did she say?"

"she didn't say anything."

"nothing?"

"hmmm... She just asked if I'll be back home in the morning. I said yea. And I told her we'd talk"

"oh... Okay" Kate said. And looked down at her hands resting on the covers.

"Come on. Why don't we lie down again"

She shook her head and laid back down, facing the other way, and Castle crowded against her back, spooning her. His arm around her, warm, protective and possessive. She played with the tiny hairs on his hand. He breathed the smell of her hair in... And smiled.

He couldn't believe that he was willing to give this up. This woman, so beautiful, so strong, so fit for a throne, and he was going to give her up. It all sounded ridiculous now.

He placed soft kisses against the back of her neck. She was startled at first. But then she didn't mind. Castle began tracing tiny drawings on her waist. But she stopped him, took his hand in hers and said "Castle, not now okay. I'm sorry... I'm just... not in the mood"

Rick began to worry now; he raised his head up on his hand and tugged at her shoulder  
"Babe, is everything alright?"

Kate sighed and then turned to face him.  
"What if Alexis asks you to stay away from me?"

"Kate, where is this coming from?"

"Castle don't act so ignorant. We both know that there are chances she'll tell you not to see me again, because whether you like it or not, I'm the reason for all your hurt."

"Kate, don't say that"

"but that's not even the point. Just answer my question"

"Kate, why would she give me an ultimatum like that?"

"What will you do?!" Kate insisted.

"Kate, I don't know how Alexis is going to react... But I'm not letting you go. If that means we have to talk to her and make her understand why we work, then we'll do that. Alexis loves me. And I love her. I'm sure she'll understand."

Kate shook her head.

"She's been so worried for me Kate... You should've have seen the way she'd run about for me when I just got back from the hospital"

And the guilt came as soon as the words left his mouth  
"I'm sorry."

"it's alright"

"No Kate, you must have gone through hell after that blast, especially after I pushed you away."

"Rick, I just wish I was given the chance to take care of you. You were broken. Physically and emotionally, and I wanted to be there... When you woke up in the middle of the nights, when you had to go for therapy sessions, when you just needed someone's company. I mean I know you had Alexis... But i..."

"I know... I'm sorry."

Kate shook her head and said.  
"Don't apologize"

"you're here now. And I'm not going to let you go. You're stuck with me"

She smiled that bright smile of hers, and bit her tongue between her teeth, the way she always does and said "That could work" she leaned in to kiss him.

But just when they're lips were about to meet Castle spoke

"But wait... Kate... Let's take this back a second. I want to know, how, out of all the therapists in NY City, I ended up going to yours, and secondly, how is it that you've never mentioned to me who your therapist was"

Kate laughed. "Well, to answer your second question first, the topic never arose about who I was going to for therapy. So I never told you. And well, about your first question, I'm surprised you haven't figured it out yourself"

She chuckled but he still seemed clueless.

"When you were in the operation room, Alexis lost her cool. And she said a few things to me that she regretted later"

"yea... She told me about that"

"well, she took me by surprise one day when she knocked on my door. She had cone to apologize for everything she had said. But she wouldn't tell me how you were doing"

"I'm sorry... She..."

"no I get it. But before she left, I gave her Burke's card and told her that you might begin to show signs of PTSD and to not ignore it when it surfaces"

Kate looked up at Castle. And he was just staring at her with eyes of love and awe.

"What?" she asked.

"even after I asked you to stay out of my life, you still found your way to care for me"

"I didn't do much Castle"

"Oh but you did. Kate, the therapy helped me a lot. My nightmares have reduced, I go out more, and I don't get startled by loud noises. It's all cause of therapy that you recommended."

"Yea but..."

"And most importantly, Therapy with burke is what brought me back to you"

Kate smiled at that. It was true.  
Castle cradled her face in his hands and kissed her like there was no tomorrow.

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**AN: So that's the update :) What do you think? :) Don't forget to hit the review button and leave me your opinion :)  
There's more to come, soon :)**


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Castle, Angst, Drama