Fire Emblem Fool!

Robin grunted as he grabbed the edge of the cliff that he was climbing, arms trembling from the effort they were exuding. With a final heave he pulled himself up and over, rolling onto his back with heavy panting. A scoff caught his attention. "Are you getting tired over something like that? Are those muscles just for show or something?" He was about to glare, but immediately thought better of it. His wife would return it- probably with a punch thrown in that, albeit be playful, would still really hurt.

"I'm not some kind of stamina freak like Frederick, Sully, or you for that matter. Tacticians don't tend to need to be able to climb a cliff face without breaking a sweat." The redhead smirked, folding her arms across her chest.

"You don't need to tell me that." Robin's brow twitched at jab. Deciding to cut it short before his pride could be wounded further, he dragged himself to his feet. Deciding that he was taking too long, Sully reached down and grabbed him by the elbow, yanking him to his feet.

"Thank you, shall we continue?" The two examined the area they were in, and Robin paused as he saw a beautiful cavern with calf deep water inside. "Wow." Sully nodded, resting her hands on her waist.

"It's something isn't it?" The two walked towards the cavern entrance, and Sully sent her husband a side-long glance. "So, mind telling me what we're doing here exactly?" Robin blinked and gave her a confused frown.

"Didn't I tell you?" Sully snorted.

"No, you didn't. You just said you wanted to see something and asked if you could borrow my horse."

"Ah yes, and you told me 'If you want to borrow him, you'll have to take me wherever it is that you're going' and that was that." He sent a cheeky grin, and she returned with an amused, yet not really, huff.

"For all I know you could have wanted it to go see your mistress or something." Robin paled slightly, before wrapping an arm around her waist. They were now in the cavern, and their feet were soaked through. When she didn't throw him off, he took it as a positive sign.

"Sully, dear, why would I ever cheat on you? You're the most incredible woman in the world; I would be a fool to throw our marriage away for a tryst!" Sully smirked.

"And don't you forget it."

"Besides, if I did cheat on you, not only would you kill me, Chrom would probably help for cheating on his oldest friend." Sully laughed, and playfully punched him in the arm. Robin winced from the force behind it.

"You're right about that! Now let go of me, I'm trying to walk here you idiot." With a chuckle he let go and they continued. "So, about why we're here…" Robin nodded.

"Oh yes, right; during my reading I came across a peculiar tale about a legendary, holy sword. It is said to be able to split the skies, bequeath the wielder with wings of light, and other unbelievable powers." Sully raised a sceptical brow at this.

"And you believe that crap?" Robin shrugged.

"It could exist, I mean look at Falchion. That's said to be made from Naga's fang. Who says another incredible sword like that couldn't exist. Now, whether or not it does what the book says it can I'm not so ready to believe." Sully hummed, before shrugging.

"Well whatever. Does this sword have a name, like Falchion does?" Robin nodded and reached into his cloak, pulling out a thick tome from within it. It was cream coloured and had little to no decoration, but what did stand out was the title of the book.

"Yes, it's called the Holy Sword, Excalibur."

* * *

"Man, this cavern goes on for ages!" Sully whistled, turning back around as she did so, "I can't even see the light from the entrance!"

"And yet we can still see perfectly." Robin mused, glancing around. The cavern was illuminated by a blue glow that was enough to help them see, as Robin said, perfectly. "Well, I suppose the place that holds the 'Holy Sword' would be a little strange." They continued walking forwards, until something began approaching them. "What's that?" Their eyes widened as a tiny woman with wings hovered before them with a bright smile.

"Hey there, how's it going?" She asked, and they tried to pull their minds back together.

"U-Um, well." Robin stuttered, sharing a baffled glance with his wife. Shaking his head, he turned to the small woman. "Erm, do you happen to know if the Holy Sword Excalibur is in this cavern?" The woman-fairy?- continued to smile for a few seconds, before her eyes narrowed, looking to the right, her eyebrows upturned, and her mouth turned downwards with her teeth clenched, stretching her face. She immediately turned around and flew off.

"Well that was rude." Sully scowled.

"What an odd reaction." Robin agreed.

After another ten minutes of walking, Sully grew bored. "Say, Robin, what else does that book say about this sword then?" Robin opened the book and read from it.

"They say that whoever can pull the sword from the ground will become a great hero, who shall receive everlasting glory and fame; someone who once obtained Excalibur apparently when on to be a King." Sully raised a brow, and Robin coughed into his hand. "O-Of course, I care nothing for any of that. My interest lies solely in the academical!"

"Riiiight." She drawled, an amused smirk tugging at her lips. "Whatever you say." Robin shook his head, not bothering to respond. As it turns out, he didn't need to, as they apparently reached their destination. Before them was a platform of rock, with another, small one on that. Light from a hole in the ceiling shone down onto a shape that looked sword like. "We've found it!" Gleefully, Robin picked up the pace, and with a roll of her eyes Sully followed him.

"I married a child." She muttered, but couldn't help but be amused. The two climbed up the rock and stood before the sword. It had a very wide oblong shaped guard, with block shapes on the ends. At the top of the handle was a circle, and the whole thing was gold with eloquent decorations. The guard extended down to the blade, which was perfectly straight. It was in immaculate condition, from the handle to the edge, and it was impaled into to rock.

"Would it be treason if I said this looks miles better than Falchion?" Robin whispered in awe, and Sully slowly shook her head.

"If it is, brand me a traitor because this puts Falchion to shame!" Robin quickly pulled out the book again and quickly flipped through it.

"The book says that only the chosen hero can pull the sword from the stone." Robin muttered before putting the book away. He licked his lips as he looked at it, his fingers twitching. "W-Well, it's worth a try, right?" Sully shrugged.

"Go for it." With a hard swallow, Robin slowly wrapped his finger around the handle.

"I mean, what are the chances that I'll actually be able to pull it ou-" He stopped as, without even a bit of effort, the sword was removed. They stared in shock for a moment, before Robin shook his head. "N-No, this can't be right!" Sully shrugged.

"It's probably just a myth that only a true hero can pull it out. Well, then again you are sort of a war hero, so maybe that counts." Robin frowned.

"I don't know, something feels wrong."

"**Welcome!**" Robin nearly dropped the sword in shock when a booming voice resounded in the cave.

"What the-?!" Sully's eyes were wide, looking all around for the speaker. "Who's there?"

"**Welcome to my cave, young ones!**" Excalibur started glowing golden in Robin's hands before it floated out of his now loose grip.

"The sword is…talking?" Robin took a step back, while Sully's hand twitched down to the sword at her side.

"**Please forgive the belated salutations! I am the Holy Sword, Excalibur**!" A bright light blinded the couple, and a fanfare played from out of nowhere as the sword emitted its blinding flare. Once it died down, they opened their eyes, and were dumbfounded by what they saw.

"What the…" Sully repeated, and Robin's jaw unhinged.

"What in the Gods name is that?!" Standing before them was an odd creature. It was pure white, with a very tall and thin top hat, a large ruffled collar, a bluish grey waistcoat, and a white can in its odd hands. The creature had a very long face, and strange feet with three toes. On either side of its narrow head were eyes that were completely round, with large black pupil.

"Fool!" The creature exclaimed, pointing its cane at Robin's face. "My legend began in the 12th century!"

"Wh- erm, sorry, who are yo-" Robin was cut off as the cane was waggled in his face.

"Fool! Is it not obvious? I am the Holy Sword, Excalibur!" Sully snapped out of her shock and shook her head.

"You're the Holy Sword? Yeah ri-"

"Fool!" The creature pointed it's can in Sully's face now, who's eyebrow twitched in irritation. "If a horse says it is a horse, is it therefore not a horse?"

"Get that out of my face. And horses can't talk yo-"

"Fool!" Sully's eyes narrowed dangerously, her hand tightening around her swords handle. "Of course horses can't talk."

"But you just sai-" Robin was cut off by the cane.

"Fool!" Excalibur turned around, lowering the cane and trotting away slightly. They stood in silence for a minute, before Robin broke it. "So, er-"

"Did you know that my legend began in the 12th century?" Excalibur cut him off. This time, Robin's eyebrow twitched. "It started on a warm summer's day in January."

"January is in Winte-"

"Fool! Your foolish limitations don't apply to the legend of the Holy Sword Excalibur! It began in the 12th century don't you know."

"You've said." Sully growled, and the cane was shoved at her face again. "Would you piss o-"

"Pick a number between one and twelve." Excalibur ordered. Robin closed his eyes, took a deep breath, before opening them again.

"I suppose I'd have to say its 5, because it's the day of my wife's birthday." Sully flushed a little, and she seemed to calm down.

"Dumbass…" She muttered. "Fine, I'd say mine's 10, because this idiot was the tenth Shepherd." Robin grinned at this, before the mood was ruined.

"Fools! What makes you think you get to pick a number?!" Sully's anger returned tenfold.

"You just said-"

"My legend starts in the twelfth century you know." Sully screamed in anger.

"YOU ARE BEYOND ANNOYING!"

"Do you wish to hear of my legend? My mornings start with a cup of coffee with cream at the café." Excalibur said, completely undeterred by Sully's outburst. "My afternoons start with a nice cup of tea with lemon. My evenings start with me changing into my pyjamas and drinking a hot coco with marshmallows."

"What does that have to do with your lege-" Robin was cut off by the cane once again.

"Where do you hail from?"

"Yliss-"

"Fool! I already knew where you came from."

"Then why ask?!" Sully growled, her whole body twitching in anger. Robin was worried that she'd have an aneurism, but was too scared to try and calm her down.

"Do you know what this hat is?" Excalibur asked. Robin looked at it with scrutiny.

"It looks like it's made from silk."

"Fool! If you don't know then I'll have to tell you." Robin was getting sick of being called a fool. "The taller the Chef's hat, the greater the chef." Robin blinked.

"So, you're a chef?"

"Fool!" The cane was once again, millimetres from his face. "I never said such a thing."

"Ok, that's it!" Sully snapped, reaching into Robin's cloak and pulling out the book. "Who the hell wrote about this dastard!" She flipped it over and read the name at the bottom. "Ex…cali…bu- YOU WROTE THIS!" She yelled. Excalibur rested his cane on his shoulder and turned away.

"No autographs." Out of nowhere, Excalibur pulled out a large pile of papers and shoved them into Robin's hands. "If you are to be my wielder then you must fulfil these one thousand provisions to prove that you are worthy." Robin blinked down at them. "Make sure to look through all of them, they're important. I especially look forward to number 452, the 5 hour story telling party. And thus," Excalibur raised his arms into the air and started shining again, before transforming back into his sword form. A strong gust of wind blew the papers away. "**thus you have been chosen! It shall all be yours! Victory and glory!**" Robin reached out with awe, slowly wrapping his hands around the handle…

And slammed the tip back into the stone.

"Hell no!" He yelled.

"**Wh-What is the meaning of this**?" Robin glared at the sword.

"You're the most irritating person I have ever had the displeasure of meeting! I'd rather be best friends with Gangrel! You disrespected me, you disrespected my wife, and worst of all you exist! Come on, Sully let's get out of here!" Sully nodded.

"Good riddance!" The two turned around, stomping away from the irritating sword.

"**Wait! I'll reduce the number of provisions to 800, but you must take part in the five hour story telling party**!"

"Holy Sword, more like Unholy Pain in the Ass." Sully spat with disgust.

"Agreed."

As they left, they ran into the fairy again. "So, did you find Excalibur?" They stared at the fairy for a moment, before their faces copied hers from earlier and they carried on. "Yeah…they met him."

* * *

"Let's forget that ever happened." Robin said to Sully when they returned to the barracks in Ylisse, and she nodded in agreement. As they entered the building, they saw Lissa approach them

"Hey Robin, there's something in the main room for you." Robin frowned.

"Like what?" Lissa giggled, before looking at him with a sly smile. "It's not another frog is it?" The princess shook her head.

"Nope, just go and see." With trepidation, Robin followed her to the main room, and what he saw made his heart drop.

A huge, elaborate wreath stood in the middle of the room, covered with exotic flowers and a large picture of Excalibur, with the words 'I'll always be waiting for you!' written in capital letters, beneath Robin's name written in similar text. Chrom, who was looking at it in utter bafflement, turned when Robin and Sully entered the room.

"Mind explaining what this is?" He aside with a raised brow, Robin and Sully's faces pulled 'that' expression again.

"Is he serious?" They muttered at the same time.

"Gods damn that freak." Sully groaned.

"Kill me."


End file.

Fire Emblem, Fantasy, Humor