Naruto 1. Prologue: Uzumaki Furuato

A/N: Just an idea I had: the lighter side to my upcoming "Magical Girl Naruto" fic, _Naoru: the Broken Angel_. Tell me if I should continue this, though if I do, the updates would be far and few in between, like with _Blessed of Yggdrasil_.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, The Slayers, or Ranma 1/2.

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Bijuu Spooker

A Fanfic by: The Fanfic Stealer

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Prologue: Uzumaki Furuato- An Introduction

Uzumaki Furuato was quite possibly THE most infamous resident of Konohagakure no Sato… which was a particularly impressive feat for such a young girl, seeing as how Konoha was also the residence of Hatake "Copy-Cat Nin" Kakashi, Sarutobi "The Professor" Hiruzen, the prodigy Uchiha Itachi, the Snake Mistress Mitarashi Anko, the former Fire Guardian Sarutobi Asuma, and many, many more well known nin.

Her fame- or infamy, as the case may be- wasn't because she was the Jinchuuriki of the most powerful being to have ever walked the earth, nor was it because she was the daughter of the late Yondaime. It wasn't even because of her singularly unique ability to come off as a completely harmless, utterly lovable girl, despite her reputation.

No, what made her an Omega-rank (Yes, they had had to make up a completely different rank for her) nin in every single Bingo Book published in the Elemental Countries was deceptively simple: her ability to live up to her name*.

(*Furuato, for those English speaking readers out there, means "to ruin", and was given to her by a dying Yondaime who was still a little high off his victory against the Kyuubi no Yoko. He had no idea just how fitting her name would become over the years.)

At first glance, this wasn't all that impressive- in the Elemental Nations, ninja capable of blowing shit up were a dime a dozen; any genin could buy as many exploding tags as they wanted, and landscape-altering ninjutsu were surprisingly common. Even the jutsu capable of leveling whole villages weren't exactly unique- every Hidden Village had one or two such jutsu recorded in their respective Secret Scrolls, and the Amekage, a Rinnegan holder simply named Pein, was actually capable of performing such a jutsu on a semi-regular basis.

What made Furuato so special was that she had gained her reputation for mass- and we are talking about MASS, as in near-Bijuu, Nerima-Wrecking-Crew-on-a-bad-day* level- destruction BEFORE she had even entered the Ninja Academy.

(*From the time he moved into the Tendo Dojo to his death at the age of 112, Saotome Ranma, and by extension his known associations, made the district of Nerima in Tokyo a construction company's wet dream- every company that set up in Nerima eventually became a multi-billion dollar company from the constant repairs they had to do for first the NWC, then the Neo-NWC, which was composed of the original NWC's children, then THAT NWC's children…)

In fact, she had such a high affinity for just about anything that could do massive property damage that the resident Bijuu, the Kyuubi no Yoko, said to be the manifestation of a force of nature and capable of toppling mountains and raising tsunamis with a sweep of one of his giant tails, was known to freely admit that she scared the bejesus out of him.

He, and the rest of his brethren, would come to regret ever admitting that, as his words would eventually evolve into Furuato's most well known title:

Uzumaki Furuato, The Bijuu Spooker.

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	2. 1st Tale: No Harm Ever Came From Reading

A/N: It seems I will be working on this more often than I initially thought, since it's gotten such an incredible response. Thanks, y'all (sans one, some pissant calling himself Vesper Core. If you're reading this, I'll say it again, you pussy: call Lina Inverse a Mary Sue. I dare you. I want to see her fan base tear you apart.)

Just so there are no misunderstandings, this is a parody of both the "Magical Girl Naruto" theme and the "Godly Naruto" theme, so don't be surprised if you find certain allusions to a yellow-headband-wearing goddess, along with the obvious Lina Inverse references in the future.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Slayers, Cardcaptor Sakura, or Oh! My Goddess. I do want the Claire Bible, though… imagine the chaos I can sow… ku ku ku…

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Bijuu Spooker

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1st Tale: Childhood Misadventures, Part I- No Harm Ever Came From Reading A Book...

Now, as we all know, canon Naruto* did not have a good childhood. Being the Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi no Yoko, Naruto underwent what even the most evil of beings would call abuse at the hands of the villagers. This abuse, which started when he was a baby and never quite ended, eventually resulted in stunted growth, brain damage, and a compulsive need to become the leader and protector of the village that hated him, just so he would be accepted.

(*I am, of course, speaking of the Naruto conceived by Kishimoto-baka, who gave the world the gift that is _Naruto_ [the manga]… and promptly ruined it. I mean, seriously: the Sharingan? Why not just call it "The Ultimate Freaky Eye of T3H 4W3S0M3" and be done with it.)

Furuato, much like her male counterpart, suffered for the first four years of her life. Unlike her male counterpart, though, Furuato, seemingly by pure luck*, just happened to stumble into an ancient cave system that ran below Konoha** while she was being chased on her birthday. This cave system, thousands of years old yet strangely linear, eventually led little Furuato into a Massive- with a capital M- library that contained thousands upon thousands of books, all completely preserved and written in modern Kanji, despite their obvious age.

(*Or the machinations of a second-rate fanfiction writer suffering from a sad deficiency of imagination… along with writer's block, which we of the writing community secretly call "mental constipation".)

(**One that somehow escaped the notice of the thousands of shinobi that lived in the village above, despite the fact that just about every shinobi family worth their weight in gold made themselves a secret room below their basements/cellars for whatever reasons shinobi had for doing such things.)

Though Furuato didn't know how to read yet (she was, after all, only four), she had always wanted to, ever since she had seen the Matron of her orphanage reading a bedtime story to the other children from a pretty book with lots of pictures in it. Seeing her chance to read a pretty book like the mean Matron had done without being hurt for it, Furuato wasted no time in grabbing a book at random and opening it… only to see that, despite the pictures, she couldn't make heads or tail of the story. Knowing she was going to need help if she wanted to read the pretty books she had found, she immediately switched tactics and tucked the rather thin book under her arm, intending to bring it to the one person that had never hurt her: her Ojiji-chan.

After finding a passage that, against all odds, conveniently exited right next to the Hokage Tower but was completely hidden unless one knew where to find it, little Furuato trekked up the tower to her Ojiji-chan's office and, without much preamble (as was the way of little children), showed him the pretty book and asked him to help her read it. Sarutobi, seeing it was nothing but some kind of kiddy manga about a girl who had to collect a bunch of semi-sentient magic cards*, was happy to oblige the cute little girl he saw as his own granddaughter.

(*The manga, called _Cardcaptor Sakura_, would eventually give Furuato several ideas that would in turn go on to give the citizens of Konoha nightmares for years.)

He would later come to regret this act of kindness, usually over bottles of sake and piles of damage reports.

Because, with the basics of reading under her belt, Furuato went back down to the library she had found and, with the help of a dictionary she was quick to acquire, started reading everything she could get her hands on in earnest. She was truly happy for the first time in her life as she escaped into a world of dragons and magic and loving families, as book after book was greedily devoured during her reading binge, only stopping long enough to sneak out to steal some food or take care of other necessities. Hours bled into days, days bled into weeks, until, finally, Furuato came across one particular book… one that would set her on the path to becoming THE most feared person in the Elemental Nations:

_The Claire Bible- A Guide to Spellcraft and Runelore_, by Lucia Irons*.

(*…This is what you would call a cameo. If you can figure out who this is, congratulations: you are a true otaku, and will probably die lonely and surrounded by your hentai collection. Give yourself a pat on the back.)

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Furuato cast her first spell when she was a little over four years and two months old, and, much like her male blond counterpart, she had decided to start big. Instead of levitating an object or conjuring a flame, as most magi-in-training were wont to do, Furuato wanted something that would make it extremely obvious that she had done it right. So saying, she had opened _The Claire Bible_ in the middle… and immediately came across one particular spell, one that would eventually win her the "Most Desired Kunoichi of the Year" award in Kiri* for ten years straight:

The _Ragna Blade_.

(*Kiri is a village known for its swords, swordsmen, swordscraft, and basically their obsession with all things sharp and pointy. The spell is called _Ragna Blade_. You do the math.)

A relatively simple spell, the _Ragna Blade _was only considered an advanced spell because of the massive amount of power required and released by it, as well as the relatively long incantation, which goes as follows:

"O, piece of the Lord of Nightmares,  
Free thine self from heaven's bonds, O blade from the cold, dark void,  
Become one with my power, one with my body,  
And let us walk this path of destruction together,  
Shattering the souls of the Gods!  
RAGNA BLADE!!"

As soon as the incantation was completed, a blade of void magic formed in the caster's hands, and was good for one strike before it dissipates in a violent explosion that was automatically released away from the caster. The size of the blade depended on how much mana- the energy that powered magic in all its forms- the caster put into the spell.

Furuato, unknown to… well, just about everyone- no one but the Bijuu had any idea what mana was in the first place, and they only had the ability to sense it- had a mana reserve larger than most gods*. She also had no training in control whatsoever, meaning, just like with her male alternate and chakra and jutsu, she tended to pump a lot more mana than required into a spell, usually without even noticing what she was doing.

(*This was thanks to a series of cosmic burps and farts that caused the planets and stars to align in such a way that a series of specific runes were formed in the sky above her at the exact moment of her birth. The chances of such an occurrence actually occurring were calculated by the World Tree Computer, Yggdrasil, to be something along the lines of a googolplex to one, against.

...On a side note, if an astrologer were to ever attempt to find her birth star, the result would give them explosive diarrhea, a massive heart attack and, if they survived, dysfunction of the sexual organs.)

Because of this, her first attempt at the _Ragna Blade_ resulted in a massive sword composed of black lightning, easily a dozen times taller than her and as wide as she was tall, appearing in her hands as soon as she finished the incantation. Said blade colliding with the target she was practicing on created an explosion that dug a trench nearly a quarter-kilometer long, three meters wide, and a meter deep, the length littered with the smashed or smoking remains of the poor trees that had been in the way. At the end of the trench, easily visible now that all the trees were gone, could be seen a section of the Great Wall of Konoha, looking like a giant butcher had taken a swing at it with his knife.

Furuato, not quite aware of just how much work she had just created for her Ojiji-chan, was happy with her results and the obvious evidence that the book she had found was the real deal. Humming a cheerful tune and giddy that she could now do cool ninja tricks just like her Ojiji-chan, she returned to the Library that was pretty much her home now via another conveniently placed hidden passage.

If she had waited a moment later, she would have witnessed the Sandaime and a dozen ANBU appear on the scene, all of whom had been alerted by the cloud of dust that could have probably been seen from the nearby town, and ready for any number of worse-case scenarios. They quickly took in their surroudnings, and paranoia quickly turned to shock as they could only stare, dumbstruck, at the devastation that had been wrought upon the land, as well as the giant cut that had been made in the great wall that surrounded Konoha.

She also would have seen her Ojiji-chan give a long suffering sigh as the shock wore off and he studied the ruined training area and wall, his shinobi training taking over with practiced ease as he pondered upon the mystery before him; it looked like the result of someone who had been testing a new jutsu… but who in Konoha's ninja forces had enough chakra to do something like this and still have enough strength to walk away?

...And why did he suddenly want to put Rua-chan* over his knee and give her a good spanking? After all, this couldn't possibly have been her fault...

Sigh. This was going to be a LOOOOOONG day. Where the hell was the sake when he needed it?

(*...Since "Furuato" was such a mouthful... and slightly ominous, especially for such an adorable little girl.)

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A/N: I think I might have the effect of the Ragna Blade wrong… but you gotta admit, it works.

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	3. 2nd Tale: Pyromaniacs, Unite!

A/N: More random insanity, made to order. In this episode, we have Rua-chan meeting the Uchiha, and bonding over fire. Lots and lots of fire. Oh, and we find out where Gai's "Flames of Youth" fetish comes from, too.

Are you ready to lose your mind? No? Whoops, too late.

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Bijuu Spooker

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2nd Tale: Childhood Misadventures, Part II- Pyromaniacs, Unite!

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The Hidden Village of Konoha*, despite being named after the highly flammable leaf, was a village famous for its fire jutsu. This was in part due to the presence of the famous Uchiha clan, which, when one really got down to it, was a clan of pyromaniacs. This was evident by how, of those afore-mentioned fire jutsu, a good sixty percent of them were actually created by a Uchiha and considered clan jutsu that were officially "on lend" to Konoha, while thirty-five of the remaining forty percent, though not created by the clan, were jutsu that every member of the Uchiha on the ninja roster were at least familiar with**. In fact, their love of all things having to do with fire was so great that they even named their ENTIRE CLAN after a FAN just because of the term "fanning the flames"***!

(*Which, strangely enough, wasn't hidden at all- there were no elaborate seal arrays that constantly exuded a confusion-causing genjutsu, no disguises ready to spring up around the village walls at a moment's notice, and just about every other Hidden Village knew where it was. They even had roads- wide, prominent, extremely visible ROADS- leading to the main gates of the village! Makes one wonder: if this was any indication of the subtlety of the average Konoha-nin, what the hell did they considerer showy and in-your-face?)

(**The remaining five percent were made up of the non-Uchiha-affiliated jutsu that were in the Scroll of Sealing for various reasons, like being extremely draining, suicidal, or, in the case of the one sole fire jutsu created by Sennin no Jiraiya that only vaporized fabric, fear of what should happen if the kunoichi-half of the ninja forces were to ever discover the jutsu's existence.)

(***…Of YOUTH!!!

...Seriously- scary fact: Maito Gai, Konoha's premier taijutsu specialist, was actually born UCHIHA Gai, and was the cousin of Clan Head Uchiha Fugaku. When he was banished from the clan for unknown reasons (the clan elders claimed he was a disgrace to the clan and left it at that), he dropped all things "Uchiha"… except for the one thing so ingrained within the members of the clan that it could be considered a minor bloodline (similar to the Hyuuga and how their women seem to go into puberty early, developing large… assets in the process****): his pyromania, which quickly trans-mutated into an obsession with the "Flames of Youth".)

(**** Fun fact: No Hyuuga woman has ever had a bust smaller than a mid-C-cup.)

Furuato, who had gone back to the beginning of the _Claire Bible_ after her successful casting of _Ragna Blade_, soon found that, of the three basic spell sequences- _Fire, Blizzard,_ and _Thunder_- she had the most affinity toward _Fire_, with a close second toward _Thunder_ and a not-so-close third toward _Blizzard_. In fact, she found that she was burning through (pun intended, of course) the spells for the _Fire_ and _Thunder _sequences, and suspected she was probably capable of using three of the four _Fire_ spells and two of the _Thunder_ spells. Wanting to see if her guess was correct, and not wanting to risk her precious library more than she already had practicing the first tier spells on a convenient stalagmite, Furuato decided that said practice would have to be done outside, away from the flammable paper that surrounded her.

A quick trip up a randomly chosen tunnel later, Furuato found herself in a convenient clearing that was surrounded by trees that made the perfect targets for her practice. Checking around to see if anyone was near and finding none, Furuato happily began, completely unaware that she had surfaced right in the middle of the private training area of the Uchiha clan head and his family.

...Furuato, blossoming black mage with a high affinity for fire and a vocabulary in which the word "restraint" was suspiciously absent, had just popped up in the middle of a clan of known pyromaniacs.

Somewhere in the Hokage Tower, the Sandaime, innocently taking his afternoon tea*, suddenly found himself with a burning lap and a table full of wet paperwork as his teacup not only cracked, but shattered in his hands. As he regarded the extremely ill omen with building dread, he got the inexplicable impression of a great many voices crying out in terror before being suddenly silenced…**

(*The Rice Country Special: forty percent Rice Country's finest roasted green tea, sixty percent of the good shit- Rice Country's finest sake, with the highest alcohol content of any drink in the Elemental Countries at 250% proof.

…It's been a long, tiring day dealing with the damage reports that were STILL coming in from that mysterious incident a few days ago. Let an old man have his joys, eh?)

(**Simultaneously, in a galaxy far, far away, Former Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, soon after uttering his iconic words describing the destruction of Aldaraan, received a vision of a cute little girl wielding a giant blade of black lightning while chasing what looked to be a ox-octopus hybrid that was several stories high and composed of stone. It wouldn't be until after his death and subsequent joining with the Force that he would discover his vision wasn't, in fact, of the youngest Sith Lord ever, but of a young girl from a backwater planet in another galaxy that would eventually wield powers that made the Death Star look like a dinky laser pointer.

He would spend the rest of eternity believing that maybe her being the youngest Sith Lord ever might have been the kinder fate…)

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"_Fire!"_

Foom!

Uchiha Sasuke watched from his hiding place behind some bushes as the strange girl before him used her fire jutsu on the blackened stump again. At her command, a ball of fire shot out of her hand and briefly lit the abused target on fire, leaving behind more blackened and burnt wood.

"_Fire!"_

Foom!

He'd arrived several minutes ago, expecting to be alone so that he could practice that new kata his aniki had taught him. Instead, he'd happened upon a red-haired girl repeatedly using a fire jutsu, something that he wasn't even CLOSE to being able to learn.

_"Fire!"_

Foom!

How was she doing that?! She looked like she was the same age as him- younger, in fact- so how come she could use jutsu already? And so many times, too! His aniki got tired after using that fireball jutsu only once, and had to use all those hand signs to do it! She didn't even use a hand sign! Just _"Fire!"_ and Bam!- fireball! It just wasn't fair!!!

_"Fire!"_

Foom!

Hmm. Maybe she could teach him? After all, Uchihas should help other Uchihas out, and she had to be another Uchiha, since only a Uchiha could have gotten into the training area… though he didn't know Uchiha could have red hair… or red eyes without activating the Sharingan… or such strange birthmarks… or look so dirty…

_"Fire!"_

Foom!

Right! It's decided then: he was going to ask her to teach him that fire jutsu of hers, and in exchange he'll teach her that kata aniki had taught him!*

(*Remember, people, that this is pre-canon Sasuke: he isn't the King of Douchebags and Lord of all Emos yet, and so is still quite capable of being a decent- even likable- human being.)

With his course of action planned, Sasuke stepped out from behind his bush and spoke up just as the girl was ready to launch another fireball.

"Hi!" he greeted, startling the girl.

"HOE!!!*" the girl cried out in shock, jumping nearly a foot straight up into the air. The fireball she was about to launch went wide, shooting off into the sky and roasted an unfortunate bird. Not noticing her victim, she spun around and gave him a glare, puffing out her cheeks in irritation. Instead of appearing threatening, she just came off as huggable.

(*Once again, the first book she ever read was _Cardcaptor Sakura_. Understandably, being an impressionable child, she picked up some things from it… like catchphrases. And habits. And ideas that would eventually drive several shinobi into insanity/retirement.)

"Wah! Don't sneak up on me like that!! You scared me!" she scolded him, before turning her glare into a look of open curiosity. "Ano, who are you?"

"My name's Sasuke, and one day I'm going to be just like my aniki!" Sasuke told her with the cheeriness only a child could manage. "Who are you?"

"My name's Furuato, but Ojiji-chan just calls me Rua-chan for short, so you can call me that, too!" she chirped in reply, matching his cheeriness*.

(*On a side note, if there had been any women present at the moment, the scene would have made them squeal at how utterly adorable it was. The men, on the other hand, would have found themselves in danger of diabetes and cavities.)

Sasuke cocked his head to one side in confusion at the unfamiliar name. "Ojiji-chan?"

"He wears this funny hat and writes stuff in that really big tower all day," she explained, pointing at the Hokage Tower that could just barely be seen over the tree tops that surrounded them. Sasuke, having no idea that she had just described the Hokage, just nodded before asking what he wanted to ask from the beginning.

"How did you do that at first?"

"Ara? You mean the _Fire_ spell?"

"Yeah! Can you teach me?" Sasuke asked, practically bouncing where he stood, "My aniki could do that, too, so I want to learn how!"

Furuato nodded enthusiastically, happy that she could share something with her new friend. "Sure! It goes like this…"

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Later that day, Uchiha Itachi* looked up from his mandatory training with his father (which, for some reason, was taking place near their manor instead of their private training ground) to see his little brother running up to them, a grin that could have made the Cheshire Cat proud stretching his lips.

(*Loving brother, ninja prodigy, secret pacifist, Pocky addict, and all around kick-ass character that should have never been killed off in the canon universe. May you burn in hell for all eternity, Kishimoto-baka!)

"Aniki! Otou-sama!" he called out, "I did it! I learned that fireball jutsu you guys can do!"

The eyes of the older Uchiha widened in surprise as they heard those words, both wondering not only where little Sasuke could have learned the _Katon: Gokakyu no Jutsu_, but how he could have the chakra capacity for it.

Father and eldest son looked at each other, then back to Sasuke, who had skidded to a halt in front of them and was panting a bit from his run. "Really, ototo?" Itachi inquired while their father looked on curiously, "Can you show us?"

"Hai!" Sasuke chirped. He steadied his breath, turned to a conveniently placed stump, and, just like how Rua-chan showed him, brought a hand up perpendicular to his body, his palms turned away from the rest of him.

_"Fire!"_

The watching Uchiha found themselves gaping in shock as a relatively good-sized fireball leapt from Sasuke's hand with a "Foom!" and exploded on contact, leaving a sizable burn mark on the wood.

Sasuke turned back to them, smiling brightly and looking completely fine. "Well, how did I do?"

"T-that… that was very good," Itachi absently praised, still in shock. Whatever that had been, it had NOT been the _Katon: Gokakyu no Jutsu_. Was it new? If it was, it might very well replace the _Gokakyu_ as the most basic of _Katon_ jutsu, since it appeared to only have one hand-sign (if one he had never seen before) and was so easy on chakra that even a child could use it.

"…Who did you say taught you that again?" their father asked, his mind running along the same lines as his eldest son.

"Rua-chan did, otou-san! She taught me a lightning jutsu, too! Wanna see?" Sasuke positively bubbled, pumped up from his success in front of his aniki and otou-san.

His father nodded. "Please."

With a bright smile, Sasuke turned back to his earlier target and, this time, raised his hand in the air, before bringing it down in a sharp slash.

_"Thunder!"_

The two elder Uchiha found themselves gapping once again as a bolt of lightning came down from the cloudless sky. On striking the trunk, a nice, big crack formed in the wood, the surrounding bark scorched to charcoal.

This time it was their father who somewhat recovered quicker, as he looked between his youngest son and the mutilated tree stump. While he was proud that his youngest had gotten down not one but TWO jutsu- and of different elements to boot!*- at such an early age, his thoughts were actually on this mysterious teacher of Sasuke's.

(*Actually, his exact thought on the matter went something like this: "Ha! Take THAT Hyuuga clan, you bunch of closet voyeurs! We've got TWO prodigies now! That's right! TWO!!! BOO-YAH!!! Go Uchihas! Go Uchihas! It's our birthday! It's our birthday!

…Oh, that reminded me: it's Mikoto-chan's birthday this weekend. Note to self: gotta get her a present… and flowers… and chocolates! Cannot forget the chocolates!! By Kami-sama, the sounds she makes when she's enjoying her chocolates… *drool*")

Who was this "Rua-chan"? He couldn't remember any female clan members with similar names, but it was a big clan, so she could have slipped through the cracks. Though how that had happened was a mystery, since someone with the genius required to create such an effective fire jutsu would have been brought to his attention.

Also, he got the distinct impression that this "Rua-chan" was young. But she was also smart enough to create elemental jutsu, so she probably wasn't Sasuke's age… perhaps Itachi's? Hmm… a hidden prodigy? And a girl, no less! The possibilities…

The pondering man turned his gaze to his eldest, who was now congratulating his youngest on a job well done. A sly twinkle sparked in his black eyes and a barely-there smirk appeared on his lips as plans began forming in his mind; possibilities indeed- he'd been afraid that Itachi would have to marry beneath him, but now… imagine the children that would result from a union between such prodigies! Extremely smart, extremely skilled… and the fire jutsu they would create! It would be glorious! They would usher in a new era of Uchiha might, a Golden Age of almighty FIRE!!!! Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!*

(*"…Oh, and Mikoto-chan will finally be able to use that 'Grandbabies!' dance of hers… where the hell had that come from, anyway? Why was it that every Uchiha woman had to have a 'Grandbabies!' dance planned out? His grandmother had had one, his mother had had one, and now Mikoto-chan… thank Kami-sama that no one outside of the clan knew about it…")

Visions of super Uchiha babies and glorious fire dancing in his head, Uchiha Fugaku, Head of the Uchiha Clan, and, like the rest of his clan, avid pyromaniac, gave the little boy a smile so innocent that it instantly set Itachi on edge and asked:

"Sasuke, can you take us to meet this Rua-chan of yours tomorrow?"

Sasuke, not noticing the Aura of Doom* being generated by his father or the increasing unease from his aniki, just smiled back and nodded enthusiastically- he learned two new jutsu today, made a new friend, and now his father wanted to meet Rua-chan? All he needed was tomatoes for dinner tonight and it would have been the best day EVER!!!

(*Technically, it was the Aura of "Parent-Bent-On-Matchmaking-And-Thus-Ruining-Their-Children's-Social-Life", but for Itachi it was as good as.)

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The next day found Fugaku, Itachi, and a curious Mikoto* following Sasuke to the family's private training ground. Each of them were expecting different things from Sasuke's mysterious teacher: Fugaku was expecting a girl Itachi's age who was the perfect Uchiha in looks and mannerisms, Itachi was expecting another Uchiha fan-girl while wondering why she was in this particular area**, and Mikoto was expecting a pretty little girl who would make the perfect daughter-in-law.

(*She was tagging along because she wanted to meet this future daughter-in-law of hers, and to make her own inspection to see if this girl was worthy of her eldest son. A mother's got to do her part, after all!)

(**Yes, only Itachi noticed this discrepancy. He's awesome like that. Yeah.)

What they found on arriving, though, was pretty much the opposite of their expectations: instead of the perfect Uchiha/ fan-girl that was apparently smarter than others of her species*/ perfect future daughter-in-law, they found the village pariah waiting for them, her crimson-red hair matted and dirty and her children's smock frayed and filthy.

(*Unknown to most, fan-girls are not human. Rather, they are a subset of humanity: _Homo Bansheecus_, and, in much the same way as vampires (_Homo Nocturnus_) and werewolves (_Homo Lupinus_), reproduce not by sexual intercourse, but by a mysterious method involving obsession, delusion, and brainwashing.

Fan-girls and fan-boys, their even scarier male counterparts, are a truly horrific breed, and should be handled with caution.)

Fugaku, first to recover from his shock of seeing the demon brat somehow deep within the Uchiha compound, and hoping to chase her away before his perfect Uchiha girl prodigy arrived, was about to tell the little beast in no uncertain terms to get lost when Sasuke smiled and waved, stunning him into stillness. On seeing the girl's enthusiastic return smile and wave, Mikoto, who had never actually seen the little girl before and had only heard horror stories from second-hand sources, immediately forgot all that she had heard and converted to the Furuato side of the Force- giant demon fox in a sealed state or not, the tiny redhead had to be the cutest little girl she had ever seen! Squeee~!!!

"Rua-chan!" Sasuke greeted as he walked over.

"Sasu-chan~! Konnichiwa!" Furuato greeted back, earning a childish pout from Sasuke and a sub-verbalized "Squeee!!!" from Mikoto, who found the exchange utterly adorable.

"Hey! Don't call me '-chan'!" Sasuke scowled, but it instantly turned into a look of horror as Furuato turned a pair of truly devastating puppy-dog eyes on him.

"You don't like me anymore…?" the tiny redhead whimpered, unknowingly earning her even more adoration from Mikoto as the Uchiha matriarch started slipping into a cuteness-induced high.

"Wha-? No! Yes! I mean, I still like you-"

"Yay! Sasu-chan still likes me!!!" *Glomp!*

This time, Mikoto's "Squeee!!!" wasn't restrained in any way at all, as she was busy trying to keep herself from performing a glomp of her own.

"Rua-chan… can't… breath…"

"Hoe!" Furuato let go as she noticed Sasuke turning blue, and the boy quickly turned back to his natural color as Furuato apologized, "Gomen! Gomen! Are you alright, Sasu-chan?"

"Fine…" Sasuke gasped out, catching his breath. When he recovered, he realized he'd been amiss in his manners and immediately introduced his new friend to his family. "Rua-chan, I'd like you to meet my Otou-sama, Aniki, and Kaa-san," he said, pointing out the corresponding people. Furuato, having been taught some manners by her Ojiji-chan, bowed to her new acquaintances.

"Konnichiwa~!" she greeted cheerily, "My name's Furuato, but you can call me Rua-chan like my Ojiji-chan!"

This last bit was too much for Mikoto, and one could almost hear the "Snap!" of that legendary Uchiha restraint breaking as, before anyone knew it, the Uchiha Matriarch was hugging Furuato to her bosom for all she was worth.

"You. Are. Just. Too. CUTE~!!!!!" the woman squealed, cuddling the little girl as if she were a stuffed animal.

"…!" was all Furuato could get out, as, just like Sasuke moments before, the little girl suddenly had her airflow cut off by way of a "Glomp of Doom*".

(*Copyrighted by Chinese Amazons United. No, this is not a joke- the Amazons of China (or what remained of them after the Endless War) actually formed a company just so they could copyright their "Glomp of Doom". Now when anyone uses it, they earn ten ryo from royalties.)

"I just want to hug you and cuddle you and dress you up in pretty dresses…" Mikoto continued gushing, not noticing the object of her affection's dire situation. Her youngest son, on the other hand, was perfectly aware that his new friend was now turning a color he was sure wasn't healthy, and tried to point it out to his mother.

"Um… Kaa-san?"

"Yes Sasuke-kun?" Mikoto replied, still (literally) hugging the life out of Furuato.

"Is Rua-chan supposed to be turning blue like that?"

"Blue? What are you- WAH!!! Rua-chan!!!"

Itachi, from his place near the edge of the clearing, looked to the still figure of his shocked and dazed father trying to get over having all his dreams of super Uchiha babies crushed, then to his panicking mother and brother, then to his brother's blue and slightly frothing friend. He sighed at the chaos going on around him as he found a seat against a nearby tree and took out a random box of Pocky*. He'll help them out in a minute- it was so rare for nobody to be telling him to fight or bring glory to the clan or some other rot like that, and he intended to enjoy the moment while it lasted… Oooo! Strawberry Pocky!

(*Fun Fact: Itachi never leaves home without two heavy-duty storage seals worth of Pocky somewhere on his person. Amazingly enough, he always somehow finishes both storage seals worth before the day is out.

…On a completely unrelated note, Ezaki Glico, the makers of Pocky and one of the few companies to survive the Endless War (who knew all the leaders of the world liked their biscuit snacks so much that they would be willing to spend money to make sure Ezaki Glico wasn't harmed throughout the thousand-or-so year war?), has recently released a new mascot- a cute, fan-waving, ninja-weasel named "Itachi-taicho". When asked where the ideas came from, the spokesman mentioned something about honoring a very, VERY big contributor to their company.)

OoOoO

Several minutes and a timely intervention from Itachi later, Mikoto and Sasuke were relatively calm again, Fugaku was sullen but at least reacquainted with his surroundings, and Furuato was breathing once more, if a bit winded.

"…Sasu-chan?" Furuato asked between breaths.

"Yes, Rua-chan?" Sasuke replied, still looking a bit worried for his friend's health.

"Was that a hug at first?"

Sasuke blinked, trying to figure out where his new friend was going with this line of questioning. "Umm… yeah?"

"Oh… I've never been hugged before. It was nice. Better than being hit, at any rate…" she mused, trailing off and not noticing the family's reaction to her innocent words: Sasuke was at a loss for words, wondering if she was being serious, while Mikoto was two seconds from bursting into tears and hugging the poor little girl again and Itachi found himself wincing in sympathy. Even Fugaku suddenly felt uncomfortable thinking off her as a demon, and had to put some effort into re-convincing himself that the only reason he hadn't chased the girl away yet was because he wanted to milk her dry of her jutsu before disposing of her.

Never one to be down for long, Furuato quickly shrugged her depressing line of thought away and grinned happily at Sasuke. "Ne, Sasu-chan? Why's your family here?" she asked, her head tilted in confusion and gazing curiously at these new people. Mikoto instantly went from pity-induced sadness to blissful adoration as she (semi-willingly) succumbed to Furuato's Aura of Absolute Cuteness*.

(*Property of Metroanime- may you be forever blessed, you magnificent bastard! All hail!!!)

Knowing his mother probably wouldn't be available for a while, his father was likely to give a less-than-tactful response, and Sasuke… well, Sasuke probably could have answered the question well enough, but he already had enough screen time as is, Itachi took the initiative, stepped forward and told her, "We just wanted to meet ototo-chan's new friend and the one who taught him those impressive jutsu."

"Jutsu?" Furuato asked, confused, "Hoe! You mean my spells!"

Itachi couldn't help but chuckle at her response. "'Spells', huh? An apt name for them from a civilian point of view, I guess," Itachi acceded, "I am curious, Rua-chan- do you know any more jutsu?" he asked. Somewhere behind him, he got the distinct feeling that his father had perked up in interest.

Furuato nodded, nearly hopping in place in her excitement. "Yep!" she chirped, "I can do _Blizzard_, _Fira_, _Thundera_, and I'm pretty sure I can do _Firaga_, too, though I haven't tried it yet…"

Curious as to what kind of jutsu would have such strange names, Itachi found himself asking, "Can you show them to us, Rua-chan?"

"Okay!" Furuato chirped as she gave her new friend's really nice older brother a cheerful nod. She turned to an old stump, and it was only then that Itachi noticed that said stump, as well as a good amount of the ground around it, was a lot more damaged than he remembered it being. A sense of foreboding creeped up on him as he realized that most of the damage must have been done by the slip of a girl before him, and was just about to take back his request when Furuato snapped her fingers, crying out, "_Blizzard!_"

Immediately, the air in the clearing cooled to winter temperatures as the ground around the stump flashed blue. Then, with a sound not unlike a sword being drawn from its sheath, a beam of white light shot up into the sky, leaving behind a badly abused tree stump frozen in an impressive block of ice. The entire sequence lasted less than a second.

Without stopping for a breath or showing any sign of chakra exhaustion, Furuato began another jutsu, this time cupping her hands in front of her as she began chanting:

"_Spirits of Fire, Lend me your aid! Fira!_"

At the end of the short chant, she forcefully flicked her wrist up. The ground around the quickly deteriorating target flashed red for a brief moment before, with a roar, a column of intense fire easily as tall as the trees that surrounded the clearing shot up around the stump, charring it beyond recognition. It then died as quickly as it had appeared, seeming to collapse away from them as it went out.

Once again without stopping for breath, and only showing the slightest bit of fatigue, Furuato moved her hands back into a cup in front of her as she began another chant:

"_Spirits of Thunder, Lend me your aid! Thundera!_"

This time she flicked her wrist down, and a bolt of brilliant blue lightning came down from the sky, striking the stump with a thunderous (pun intended) crash. Itachi had thought that the bolt of lightning Sasuke had summoned the day before had been impressive, but this one... after he had blinked away the spots in his eyes, he couldn't help but gape at the sizable crater that had replaced the poor target- the little girl had just completely obliterated a piece of wood that had been half her height and three times her width! Even the ROOTS were gone, turned into so much charcoal by the sheer power behind the jutsu!

Itachi came out of his shock just in time to see Furuato once again return her hands to her initial position, now breathing ever-so-slightly heavily and sporting a faint sheen of sweat. Seemingly unmindful of her fatigue, she began another chant:

"_Prometheus, Bringer of the Flame, Turn your wrath upon our enemies! Firaga!_"

Unlike the last two jutsu she performed, there was no immediate result for this one- nothing burst into flames, nor was anything struck by lightning, or instantly frozen. In fact, everything continued to be silent... wait. Silent?

Itachi had just noticed the unnatural silence of the world around him when it was shattered by a horrific whistling, and the family looked up just in time to see a fireball, easily the size of a full-powered _Katon: Gokakyu no Jutsu_, come screaming down from the heavens above. They could only watch on as the giant fireball passed overheard, momentarily left their line of sight as it went past the trees at the edge of their clearing, and, with a great roar, exploded with a blinding flash and a concussive blast of heated air. When the spots from their eyes cleared, it was to the sight of a enthusiastically burning forest, with an out-of-breath-but-triumphantly-grinning little red-haired girl standing before it.

"Well, ~huff~ what do you ~puff~ think?" she asked, strained yet still chirpy. Silence greeted her question at first, then...

"That... was... so... COOL!!!" Sasuke gushed, breaking the shocked silence her display had brought about, "You have to teach me that!!! Please please please please please!!!"

The stunned Itachi looked on as his little brother continued to alternately gush over the results of the jutsu and beg his new friend to teach him said jutsu. He turned to his parents to see their reactions, and was just in time to witness his mother keeling over in a dead faint while his father visbly experienced a joygasm at all the wonderful, glorious fire. Turning away from that last disturbing sight, Itachi once again laid eyes on Furuato, who was already trying to teach Sasuke how to perform the _Firaga_ jutsu, and couldn't help but sigh.

This was going to be so troublesome, he just knew it...*

(*Surprisingly enough, unlike what most of you readers were probably expecting, none of the men of the Nara clan sneezed when this thought ran through Itachi's head.

...Of course, that was only because it was a particularly lazy day, and they collectively found even sneezing to be too troublesome at the moment.)

OoOoO

Having finally gotten his desk cleaned, the Sandaime was once again enjoying his Rice Country Special, his cup replaced and no unfinished paper work underneath this time. He was just about to take his first sip when a massive explosion went off nearby, startling him enough to spill his beverage down his front. Sighing sadly as he watched his drink stain his robes, he got up and went to the window to see what the commotion was about.

Of in the distance, a good portion of the patch of forest in the Uchiha Compound was burning brightly. He sighed again, this time in exasperation- it looked like the Uchiha were at it again. Really! You would think they would have learned to tone it down a bit by now...!

...Though... he had to admit, this new jutsu of theirs was rather impressive. By the size of the area of damage, it looked like it could be anything from an A-rank to something that needed to go into the Forbidden Scroll...

The old man continued his musings, not worried in the slightest that part of the village was essentially burning. With a clan as obsessed with fire as the Uchiha, this wasn't exactly the first time they had set their little patch of forest aflame. In fact, this happened fairly often, enough to warrant forming teams of water and earth jutsu specialists specifically for putting out such fires.

Speaking of which... said teams had mobilized particularly quickly today. He could already see several quickly making their way towards the inferno in the distance. He really must commend Iruka*, Konoha's current Fire Department Chief**, on his deftness...

(*The dude's name is Umino Iruka. As in: "Dolphin of the Sea." If that isn't the name of a water jutsu master, I don't know what is.)

(**...Well, when he wasn't teaching at the Academy, that is.)

OoOoO

A/N: ...For all those Iruka fans out there that may be reading this, here you go, boys and girls. Merry Christmas.

Review!


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Naruto, Adventure, Parody