Harry Potter 1. Discoveries and The Grand Plan

_Dear Harry,_

_I know you're probably not wanting to discuss this right now, and I'm not asking you to. However, I can see the point you made in your letter. I think you're right, although I loathe to admit it – not because you're right, though. Snape definitely did have hours to tell the Order of our predicament before they got there, and since Sirius told you they came as soon as they heard… Yes, something is off. I really don't want to participate in your conspiracy theories, but… Everything you're saying just makes so much sense!_

_Which is why, Harry, I paid a visit to Diagon Alley the day I received your letter to buy you these books. They're on occlumency. Considering what you just told me, I think we can both agree that Snape definitely wasn't teaching you properly. Just a flick through one of them and I discovered that all he was doing was open your mind further!_

_I will try to learn it myself, too. I'll send copies of the books to Luna, Neville, Ron and Ginny as well, but I think it's safe to say that Ron won't bother._

_You need to learn it, Harry. You need to be able to defend yourself against him, and this is the best way. I think it may be harder for you now than it will be for myself, but don't let that put you off. And if Snape being unable to read your mind isn't incentive enough, you won't get any more false visions with this! Apparently it even works like an eidetic memory when mastered, too, meaning studying will be easier. Not that that will encourage Ron, since it still involves work…_

_Don't pay me back. Think of it as an apology for not believing you when you said Snape wasn't teaching you anything in those 'remedial' lessons. You've always been somewhat right with your instincts in the past, and yet I ignored that. I'm sorry._

_If you need anything, owl me. I know it will be hard for you to get out of there. I'll tell you how much it cost in letters, since I know you would never ask for anything if I were to pay for all of it._

_Don't hesitate to ask me for anything._

_See you soon, hopefully,_

_Hermione_

That had been three weeks ago.

Since then, Harry had been working hard on his occlumency. The books Hermione sent had been more helpful than Snape had been in Harry's entire five years at Hogwarts. They gave step-by-step advice and instructions on the matter, and Harry learned that masters in the art were only rare because they not only required a good deal of willpower, but sufficient magical power – although he honestly didn't understand the reason they'd given for that. It had been full of technical terms that meant nothing to him, and Hermione's answer had only been slightly better. Something to do with getting trapped.

However, learning the skill had brought some interesting things to light – things he couldn't simply owl Hermione about.

There were blocks on his mind and magic.

It had all started when Harry had succeeded in meditation for the first time and entered his 'mindscape' as the books had put it. It was messier than Dudley's room a week before the end of summer, and that was pretty darn messy. He'd reasoned that it was the combined result of Snape's blunders and him having not organised it yet, which was what he was meant to do next.

But during his tidying up session, he had come across some strange things. The first, and most innocent, discovery had been that during a one-sided conversation while Sirius was babysitting him, the dog had concluded that Harry would grow to be an immortal philosopher with a grand knowledge of Egyptian poetry. How he reached that conclusion escaped Harry, who was mildly disturbed when he realised that Sirius was, for once, being serious.

Then the nastier things were revealed. He'd been ecstatic when he found his magical core, but then he noticed how condensed it looked compared to the description in the book, according to which, he should have been able to see through it. But he couldn't. Returning to the land of the living, he discovered that it was a magical block.

He went through the steps to release it, naturally, as described in the book; they seemed to have predicted this for some reason. The results weren't quite as Harry expected; one minute the glowing ball wasn't even as wide as his arm span, the next it seemed to be glaring down at him from somewhere high above, as if to say "Who's tiny now, bitch?"

When he released it, though, a foreign magical signature washed over him. This was the signature of the binder, and even though he had no idea what the man's signature felt like, the moment he did feel it, he knew it just screamed "_SNIVELLUS SNAPE WAS HERE!_"

Ever so slightly pissed, he had examined the now multi-coloured core, which had merely been bright green before. Now it had swirls of pink and purple in it as well, which, according to the book, were signs of those fancy and rare abilities people whine about not having. The pink was his metamorphmagus power, and the other was, apparently, mage sense.

Looking back, Harry realised that there were times where he had accidentally and temporarily unblocked the metamorph power in times of emotional stress. Like the time his aunt had practically shaved him bald, for example. Hence why he hadn't accidentally made his hair flat; he hadn't been desperate for it to change.

The mage sense seemed to have been blocked right at the beginning of his Hogwarts career, however. Perhaps Snape had checked his mind for more recently developed abilities during a detention?

Pleased at his new fancy abilities, Harry had then continued to sort through his head. That was when he had come across the – okay, a – bane of his life. Voldemort.

Now, at first he was wondering how the hell Voldemort had got into his head without him noticing. That was when he realised it wasn't actually doing anything, save leaching off his magic. How he missed that strand of power pouring straight into snake-face's gaping mouth, he would never know – like how he'd never know why this Voldemort appeared to be naked and… excited.

It seemed relatively passive, but after staring at it for god knows how long, Harry concluded that this was probably what caused him to see into Voldemort's big ugly noggin, and even if it weren't, well, who wants old snake-face in their head? And that's beside the point, the _fucking thing was leaching off of _his_ magic! _

From there, a grand – or not so grand – battle of the wits – okay, willpower – commenced. The fragment was determined to stay in his tortured skull, but Harry was pissed that it had even dared enter his noggin. So, it was greed vs. a teenage kid with territory issues – or not-so-issues – and who'd have thought? The kid won. Of course, the kid wasn't distracted by a sudden wave of pleasure spreading from his groin, but still…

Things seemed fine from there, although he did witness his parents having a good snog once or twice. His eyebrow had twitched at those memories. But, a week later, his mind was clean and defended by walls, traps, insane creatures and a giant clown. Hey, who said Snape's not afraid of heavily made-up grinning fools?

Having his magic unblocked had helped, too.

Apparently, a result of having his magic bound was that he was less quick-witted than he was meant to be, and more impulsive. Hence, Harry's hatred of Snape grew; it was Harry's impulsiveness and idiocy that had killed Sirius, both of which had been caused by Snape, and so therefore, combined with how he spent hours procrastinating rather than warn the Order, the greasy git was the one responsible for Sirius' death. He didn't even have a problem calling the bastard 'Snivellus' any more.

Once that nonsense was over and done with, he had sent a letter to Hermione.

_Hey, Hermione,_

_You will never guess what I found whilst practicing. Can't mention it in a letter lest it get intercepted, but I promise to tell you later… so long as you master it too._

_I have a grand plan. Think you can grab a few texts on animagi for your messy-haired friend?_

_Harry_

What is his plan, you may ask. Revenge on Severus 'Snivellus' Snape. Marauder style.

He was going to fake insanity.

Thus, his 'Dear Order' letters were going to slowly grow barmier over the next few weeks.

A few minutes later, Pig, Ron's owl, had fluttered excitedly through the still-open window. Ron's letter had been the same as usual, life's boring, he's hungry, Quidditch, subtle hints that Ginny fancies him – not that he cared. She may be pretty, but he'd never forget the insane fangirl she'd once been – whining about having a few chores to do. Looking back, Harry groaned upon realising that he'd only kept the redhead around out of fear of not having any friends. Now he wasn't semi-brain damaged, however… Ron seemed less of a friend and more of a parasite. He meant well, of course, but he just didn't like him as much now.

Replying as politely as possible before drafting a few letters to the other Ministry Six members to send later, Harry had considered what he should work on next. The first thing he did was focus on his mage sense.

He could feel the blood wards on the house, which didn't seem as strong as the headmaster had made them out to be. He could barely even feel them, which was quite a feat considering he could feel a mild tickling sensation from Hedwig's cage, and that only had an unbreakable charm on it!

Feeling a little foolish for his paranoia, Harry had begun to check his belongings for unwanted curses. His invisibility cloak had a tracking charm on it placed by Dumbledore (the reason he seemed to be able to see through it, he gathered, and decided to keep it just in case he lost it), but other than that the only suspicious things were the warming charms and comfort charms Dobby had placed on the socks he'd given him for Christmas. And that wasn't suspicious in the slightest.

He was glad he'd checked, though. Pettigrew had lived in the dorm for three years before he buggered off, after all.

Back on track, though. Harry had then begun to practice legilimency on his unsuspecting relatives – whilst keeping up the gradually-going-nuts façade. Who would have known that Dudley was beginning to actually _like_ him? He wasn't sure whether to sing or puke. One thing he did know to puke at, though, was when he'd used legilimency on Petunia whilst she was remembering the, uh… fun she'd had with Vernon years back. He was pretty sure he was traumatised now. Funny really; he hadn't been very affected by events so far, and yet reading his aunt's mind once was enough to make him want to die tragically.

Whilst doing all this, though, he was gradually working through metamorphmagus skills - starting with growing his nails in various weird ways – and wandless magic. Why was he studying wandless magic, you ask? Firstly, it would be handy if he lost his wand or felt the need to do something while at the Dursleys – which he did, several times, in fact – and secondly… well, why the hell not?

Once Hermione had delivered some books on animagi, he got started on that as well. He had been slightly disappointed when he found out you had to brew a potion to find your form, but then figured that improving his potions skills would piss Snivellus off too. So he got Hermione to restock his potions kit and got to work.

Upon awakening from his drug-induced dream where he found his form, Harry's first thought was '_Right… shit._'

From that day onwards, the Dursleys wondered what the fuck he was playing at by slipping into the nearby forest for hours on end. That is until Dudders followed him one day, witnessed his first transformation and ran back home screaming.

Now, he was behaving pretty insane, even towards Hermione, who suspected he'd damaged himself some way during occlumency practice and only Harry's protests that you can't damage the mind through occlumency had stopped her from alerting the Order. It wouldn't be too long before they sent someone, and he had his suspicions on who it would be, considering Dumbledore's… unique ways.


	2. My name is Albus, and I am an idiot

On the thirty-first of July, Albus Dumbledore sat in his office staring at Harry's latest letter, all of which had been delivered to him or the entire Order – whichever suited him, apparently. He had noticed a gradual… change in Harry's writing during the last few weeks, and couldn't suppress his worry. He had known Sirius' death would be hard on him; their conversation in his office afterwards had proved as much, but Albus had hoped that maybe, just maybe his relatives would be able to help him through it. After all, they'd brought him up, so it only seemed natural that they would know him best and therefore know how to help him.

But it seemed that the man's death had hit him harder than he'd thought, and was now causing the boy to go loopy. Sometimes he could compare him to Luna Lovegood, although unlike most people, Albus believed – no, _knew_ – that she spoke the truth about her nargles and whatnot. He'd seen some himself, and that was before he went slightly senile!

He sighed and sent a patronus off. It would seem someone would have to check up on Harry, and he knew just who would fit the job. He grinned suddenly. This could be the perfect set-up to get those two to get along! Maybe he'd get to witness a bit of gay snogging… oh _yeah_.

* * *

Severus Snape was pissed. No, he wasn't drunk. He was pissed, as in bloody annoyed. The old man had sent him a patronus message to meet him in his office, and what does he find? The headmaster trying to – no, demanding him to – check up on the insufferable Potter brat. Why should he care if he's gone loopy? Good riddance. Yes, it was his fault he was stupid, but who cares? He's a bastard!

But the old coot had given him no choice. He would have to visit the bane of his existence. Oh well, at least he'd get to insult him. Maybe the boy would even yell at him! That was when it got particularly enjoyable.

* * *

_I fucking hate Snivellus, _thought Harry as he stomped up the stairs at Privet Drive. Yesterday, he'd been downstairs, eating breakfast as politely, quickly, and madly as he could, when he'd realised he hadn't scanned the entire house for curses and the like. What he'd discovered over burnt toast and a rasher of bacon had stolen his appetite.

There, in the hall, right outside the cupboard that had once been his room, was a picture frame with disillusioned runes carved into the back. He remembered the frame was a wedding present from one of his mother's friends, although none of the Dursleys had remembered the man's name when he'd overheard them discussing it. The magical signature on the runes and charm, however, told Harry that it was a greasy git with a large hooked nose and an ugly face. You guessed it – Snivellus Snape.

He hadn't taken runes, so he'd asked Hermione to let him borrow all the books on it she had that would help him translate it. This was what he had done today, and boy was he pissed.

The basic summary of the runes' effects was that all of the Dursleys were manipulated to believe that they and their children were superior to everything else – especially magicals – and that Lily Potter and James were even more inferior. That, combined with a compulsion to mistreat magicals, those fond of Lily, or her offspring, had resulted in his hell of a home life.

Harry had wondered what his relatives were really like, but given the age of the picture frame, they were too far gone to be reverted to their normal selves. So he would likely never know.

And so, Harry, now back up in his room, was angrily brooding about how one Snivellus Snape had completely ruined his life, starting by getting his lovely parents killed off.

That son of a bitch.

The knock on the front door came a few hours later, and he grinned at the sound of Vernon yelling about freaks and other such nonsense. Then he heard robes billowing through the hallway, and quickly donned his crazy mask.

* * *

Severus Snape smirked at the sight of the cat flap and locks on the Gryffindor brat's room. All his handiwork, of course. He wasn't stupid enough to think the curses on the picture frame were enough for the brat to get beatings, or maybe even get raped, but he couldn't help but hope. He deserved it, after all. He was as arrogant as his father, even as a baby.

Unlocking the door, the potions master stepped through into the room and sneered at the sight as part of his act. Potter was sitting at his desk, facing away from him and seemingly staring out the window. Nothing seemed insane so far; probably just a ploy for attention on the brat's part.

"Potter," he spat, crossing his arms. "I have been sent here by the headmaster to calm his worries that you have gone insane. Now kindly turn around so I can prove to him that you are still nothing but an attention-seeking dunderhead."

Silence. Complete silence. Potter did nothing, just stared out of the window.

"Mars is bright tonight," Potter stated matter-of-factly in a light, lofty tone he had never been heard using before.

Severus blinked in confusion. That was very much the sort of thing a madman would say. For one, usually only centaurs care about how bright Mars is, and secondly… it wasn't even lunch time yet! It had to be an act. Yes, an act. "Potter, quit whining and turn around."

"Where's Moony?" Potter asked, still facing the window.

"In the sky, you idiot, now _turn around_."

"You mean he's dead?" Potter said, turning around finally. His wide eyes seemed distant, but filling with tears. "Did you kill him?"

Severus sneered, growing impatient. "Potter, everyone with a brain knows the moon never lived, hence can never die."

"But you killed him."

He wiped his face with his hand impatiently. Albus had said to bring him to the infirmary should he show signs of being mad, and so far there had been no proof of sanity anywhere. He'd been told not to do it, but what did he care?

Not bothering with a wand – after all, who needs one to get past Potter's non-existent defences? – he entered the boy's mind.

Or so he thought. The first thing he saw was the giant face of a clown surrounded by cackling bunnies with devil tails. A large panther was doing ballet whilst singing 'Weasley Is Our King', and… eurgh, he really did not need to see that!

Withdrawing from his mind, he took in the sight of the Potter brat barely paying attention to him while humming 'London Bridge Is Falling Down'. Everything seemed to point to madness. Maybe Albus was right? Maybe the brat really had lost his mind? He shivered at the thought of classes with a mad Potter.

Sighing, he withdrew the portkey to the hospital wing Albus had made him. There was no way he could get out of this now. He was going to have to take the Potter brat to Hogwarts early. "Grab your belongings, Potter. We're travelling by portkey."

"I already have, sir." Potter said from behind him, making him jump. It seemed that while he was trying to find the portkey, Potter had sorted himself out and moved so he was breathing down his neck.

Sneering, Severus held out the portkey. Seconds later, they felt a tug, and they were whisked away.

* * *

Albus Dumbledore slumped in defeat in front of the potions master before him. So it was true, Harry really was insane. He felt as though he should blame himself for inadvertently causing Sirius' death, hence causing this, hence why he was, indeed, currently blaming himself.

"How insane was he?" He asked, part of him not wanting to know.

"Very, it would seem," he heard the dry tone of Severus Snape answer. "The weird kind of insane. He said that Mars was bright 'tonight' at mid-day and claimed that I'd killed the moon or some such nonsense."

"I must go see him." Albus said to himself, heading towards the fireplace.

From across the room, he heard Severus snort. "Good luck getting anything out of the brat."

Purposefully ignoring the man, Albus climbed into the fireplace and dropped a pinch of floo powder. "Hogwarts, Hospital Wing!" he exclaimed, before being whisked away in on admittedly nauseous short trip downstairs.

Doing his best not to stumble when he arrived, Albus scanned the room. There, on his usual bed, sat Harry. He looked amused as he stared into space, and the headmaster briefly considered legilimency before remembering what had happened when Severus tried. Something in there had deeply disturbed the man, and not for Harry's sake, either.

"Harry?" he asked as he slowly approached the bed, worried he wouldn't be able to get Harry back to normal. However, upon hearing his voice, the boy's head snapped towards him with an unreadable expression on his face. He seemed to evaluate him for a moment before he searched the room with his eyes, and then turned back to Albus with an amused glint.

"Sir," he replied, showing his usual respect for some god unknown reason. Really, J.K, why is Harry so bloody respectful? Ah yes, abuse… "Tell me, how big of an achievement is it to make Snape jump?"

"That's _Professor_ Snape, Harry," Albus scolded gently. _Well, he doesn't sound very nutters, _he thought as he silently noted the suppressed sneer on the boy's face as he was told off. "As for your question, well, I don't believe anyone has made him jump before, except perhaps the Marauders."

Harry grinned triumphantly. "I wouldn't be surprised, sir. The look on his face was priceless."

The headmaster sat on the edge of the bed next to Harry's as he examined the boy. He looked quite sane to him, although he may just be going through a lucid moment. Moreover, it would seem that at some point in the last few hours he'd somehow surprised Severus enough to make him jump. Even he hadn't managed that. But what was going on?

"Severus informed me that you were insane, Harry." He stated, not knowing what he was looking for.

The boy cocked his head to the side, still looking highly amused. "What sort of insane?"

"He seemed to believe that you were the 'weird' kind of insane."

He grinned again, before nodding. "Good," his eyes then glazed over, and Albus feared he was going to shift into insanity again. He didn't know if he could bear it. But then he went back to normal and twitched his finger towards the door and bed for some reason. Upon seeing my questioning gaze, he grinned, and said "Detection charms on the bed and doors so that one Snivellus Snape knows whenever someone opens said doors or leaves said bed, sir."

Albus blinked in surprise. "Why would Severus do that, Harry? And how do you know that?" he paused, then exclaimed "And when in Merlin's name did you learn wandless magic?"

Harry was now waving his hands, imitating pushing something downwards. "Alright, keep it down, keep it down…" he said, before making a strange gesture with one of those hands. "Privacy wards," he said, upon seeing Albus' questioning gaze. "As for your questions, sir, that all begins with when Hermione sent me a book on occlumency this summer."

"You mean you don't have any?" Albus exclaimed.

"Nope, and they taught me a lot more than old Snivelly did, sir," he replied, shaking his head. "Basically, by actually succeeding in occlumency, I entered my mindscape – trashed, by the way, mainly due to your humble _spy_ – and found bindings on my magic. I released them, along with my abilities of mage sense and those of a metamorphmagus, and followed a weird string from it to old snake-face."

At this point, the headmaster grew sad. So his favourite student had found the soul piece in his scar. He now knew he had to die, or at least assumed it. He would no longer have a chance to experience childhood. Perhaps he should have looked harder for a solution, perhaps-

"He was nude and wanking for some creepy reason, and seemed to be drinking my magic. I figured it was what caused my visions and stuff, realised it was feeding off my magic, and then fought it out of my head. It's completely gone now, sir."

Albus stared at his student with wide eyes. In one brief adventure into his mindscape, Harry had done what he had been unable to for years! "You got rid of it, Harry?" he exclaimed happily. "Thank heavens! Why didn't I think of that?"

The boy in bed blinked at him. "You knew?"

The man in question smiled sadly. "As I said, I couldn't find a solution. I figured it better for you to live not knowing than live feeling dirty."

"Meh, I suppose you're right, sir," Harry said, grimacing. "Anyway, the magic bindings made my brain work slower, more impulsive and such. So now I could actually focus properly, I started working on things like legilimency, those two fancy abilities, the animagus transformation-"

"Did you manage it?"

Harry grinned. "Maybe, maybe not," he said, raising an eyebrow mockingly, forcing his old headmaster to fight hard to not squirm excitedly at the unofficial challenge. "Anyway, I also worked on my wandless magic, hence," he gestured towards the doors, "my ability to cancel out your potion master's handiwork. And, on the matter of young Snivelly, I want to have some words with you about him, sir."

Albus frowned. What could have occurred for Harry to suddenly hate the teacher even more? "Go on," he encouraged.

"Now, I have a list of complaints against him, and you will _not_ interrupt, do you understand me?" he asked, pointing a finger at him accusingly. "Firstly, you were obviously well aware of his beliefs at school, and yet you did nothing to encourage him to side with you. You just let him get away with being a bigot; he was allowed free reign to bully, and the Marauders got slaps on the wrists. Then, the bastard offered Voldie what he heard of the prophesy, which led to him going after my parents. He didn't stop to think; nope, he just went along with it. Then, he had the nerve to go to you and his master and ask for you to protect my mother. Not dad, not me, my mother. He didn't care about us, just as long as he got his precious fuck-toy. Don't protest; that's exactly what she would have been.

"But before that happened, do you know what he did? He caused my mother and Petunia to fall apart by giving Petunia a cursed picture frame as her wedding present. This picture frame then caused my life at the Dursleys to be much worse than it should have been. I don't know what they were like before, but I'll bet you that if Snivellus hadn't done that, I would have had a bedroom _before_ my first Hogwarts letter!

"When you employed him at Hogwarts, he not only didn't put any effort into teaching, but he bullied anyone not in Slytherin – especially the muggleborns! Then I come along, and no, I'm not the child of his childhood friend; I'm just the son of his worst enemy.

"You know that block on my magic? He put it on me. Snivellus blocked roughly 85% of my magical power, and as a side-effect, made me less intelligent than I should be and more impulsive. But you know what makes me want to kill him the most?

"He effectively doomed Sirius! I told him I'd had a vision where Sirius was in danger, but did he tell the Order straight away? Nooo, can't do that! Have to give him a chance to die first, along with me! I know he delayed telling you, professor, because by the time you got there it had been hours since I told him. And Sirius told me you came straight away! And why did I come to the Ministry in the first place? To save Sirius, and because I was too impulsive to think it through properly or listen to Hermione. What caused me to be so impulsive? SNIVELLUS, THAT'S WHO! YOUR 'PET' DEATH EATER EFFECTIVELY MURDERED MY GODFATHER – MY LAST CHANCE AT A LOVING HOME-LIFE!" he finished fighting off tears.

Upon seeing Albus' pale face, Harry seemed to attempt to regain his composure. "I don't know why you think he's spying for you, sir, but I have more than enough evidence here to oppose that idea. I don't care what you say; I'm going to make that bastard's life hell before I have him arrested. And believe me, I will. He's escaped Azkaban long enough. And I will personally make sure he ends up in Sirius' old cell, because while Snivellus - who was a murdering bastard - was spared, Sirius – innocent, my godfather and a good man – was tortured for twelve years. _Twelve years_! And you know what; I blame him for that, as well! As a Death Eater, he would have known Wormtail was the real traitor."

"I understand what you are saying, Harry," Albus admitted with a sigh. "It would seem I was wrong again, and I am sorry for what that man has caused you. As headmaster of this school, I grant you secret permission to severely prank Severus Snape. As headmaster of this school, I also announce that any and all detentions given to you in relation to Severus Snape – whether they be given to you by him or because of something to do with him – shall be served with myself, should I determine your actions good cause for a detention. From now on, all points given and deducted by Severus Snape shall be reviewed by the Deputy Headmistress and Professor Flitwick before the hourglasses are affected."

The two sat in silence for a while, pondering different things. Harry suppressing his tears of rage at Snivellus and grief for Sirius, Albus wondering how he could have made such a massive mistake. It was then that one line of Harry's long rant brought itself to his attention, and his eyes snapped to Harry.

"Harry, might I ask what you meant when you said you might have had a room of your own before your first Hogwarts letter?" he asked, a feeling of dread growing in his stomach.

Harry stared at him in disbelief. "You mean you _didn't_ know?"

This did nothing for the dread. "Know what, Harry?"

"Well, my first Hogwarts letter was addressed to the cupboard under the stairs, so I figured you knew…"

Deep down, Albus knew what this meant, but he refused to believe it. Unable to suppress the dread much longer, he spoke up, voice trembling. "Why was it addressed there, Harry?"

"Well, that was my bedroom until Petunia and Vernon saw the letter and figured you were spying on them, sir."

Albus' head drooped in shame as he realised just how many mistakes he had made in relation to the Marauders. "How bad?" he croaked.

"Eh?"

"How bad was it, Harry?" Albus repeated, lifting his head up again and gazing into Harry's eyes with his weary ones. "How far did they go? Did they insult you? Hit you? Beat you? …Touch you?"

The headmaster watched as Harry's head drooped as he considered whether to lie or not. It was instinct, after all, to lie about such things. But then Harry sighed in resignation, and he knew he would get at least part-truths. "Yes, yes, yes, and once," he said softly, fiddling with his sheets. "Aunt Petunia went to a party and someone slipped something into her drink. She sort of… grabbed me and stuff but that's it. I was nine."

Albus moved over slowly and sat next to Harry on the bed, rubbing his back gently to comfort him. "Can you tell me what this 'stuff' was, Harry?"

"I, she…" he hesitated. "She… stroked me, I guess, and… and licked my face." Harry mumbled, stiffening in reaction to the memory.

"I'm sorry, Harry," Albus whispered, running a hand through his hair; he had no one else to do so for him right now. Except for maybe Lupin… Lupin! Didn't his parents teach him occlumency to help hide his condition from prying eyes? "Harry, if you wish, I know one other person to whom you can be open to about your life and project. Don't worry, you already know him-"

"Who?" Harry interrupted, before blushing and looking down again. "Sorry sir." He mumbled.

"Not to worry, Harry," the Chief Warlock replied, gently patting the boy on his back. "His name is Remus Lupin."

Harry blinked and looked up at his headmaster incredulously. "He can do occlumency?"

"Indeed. I would have asked him to teach you last year, but Dolores would never have allowed a werewolf through the floo. That, and I feared he might go to easy on you… and I hoped that perhaps if Severus saw proof you weren't spoiled he would be a little easier on you," he shook his head sadly. "Yet another mistake of mine, Harry. Do forgive an old man."

"I don't blame you sir," Harry muttered, shaking his head before looking up suddenly with a crazy grin on his face. "So, have you met the muffin man?"


	3. Snogging Planets and not Gold-Diggers

**A/N**: I received a few reviews I felt a necessity to answer to in order to clear things up a little.

**Reviewer Number 1**: Lupinesence  
Ah, I didn't see this one coming up. The reason Remus' ability of occlumency is so important is because Snape won't be able to read Harry's plans out of his head. I think we've all inferred from canon that the man uses legilimency on pretty much everyone without a hint of remorse, so Harry can only let those who can occlude well enough to keep Snape out for a while and call him out on what he is doing in on the plans and what he knows.

**Reviewer Number 2**: A guest known as 'PaC'  
I know, in canon he doesn't know Snape told Voldie about the prophesy yet, just that it was a Death Eater. But, I felt it would fit in rather well with the rant, so I said 'fuck that' and altered it a little. In this universe, Dumbles let it slip. I don't know why you're so bothered, though, I mean he wasn't sexually abused in canon either. Weasley Is Our King hasn't been sung yet either.

As for Snape telling Voldie being 'completely non-canon', have you even read the books?

Indeed, Harry did tell Dumbles everything. But there are some things you need to keep in mind:  
-This isn't the same Harry as we see in canon anymore. He's realized Snape has ruined his life, and the man who let him is right in front of him. Would you go on a ranting rage? Probably. It's like how he yelled "THEN I DON'T WANT TO BE HUMAN!" after Sirius died; emotional outburst. -He's been acting loopy for weeks now. You might not know this, but when you act a particular way for long enough, it becomes a part of you. Thus, Harry has been altered. He is no longer canon!Harry.

And yes, Dumbles did give Harry permission to prank Snape. Is that so strange?  
-Harry has had his life ruined by this man.  
-Dumbles let him and didn't even notice.  
-Thus, Dumbles feels partially responsible.  
-Dumbles knows Harry is going to prank Snape to hell and back no matter what he does.  
-Thus, giving him permission will make it easier on everyone, and will hopefully go toward Harry forgiving him.

As for the fic running off the rails, the genre is Humour, not Drama. It isn't to be taken seriously, and things often don't make sense in this genre. There will be some serious bits, because I'm like that, but for the most part this fic is meant to be light-hearted and generally just weird. That you felt the chapter was weird means that I succeeded in this, not failed.

If you don't like the story, PaC, then don't read it. No one's forcing you, and I'm not about to stop writing it because of you. I happen to be enjoying it.

Well, now that some things have been cleared up, let us continue with the story. Last chapter was the usual second chapter that I seem to write - the explanatory chappie. I'm rather fond of the Weasleys visit to the hospital wing, myself... And don't worry, I don't plan on replying to every single review. But really, we need a reply button on these. Those fics with half a page of replies on every chapter... *shiver*

* * *

"Ah, hello Remus! Do take a seat. Lemon drop?" Albus exclaimed excitedly, as per usual, as Remus Lupin flood into his office.

Remus, however, wasn't so excited. "Albus, you said this was about Harry. Severus floo called me to gloat about how he's… how he's…" he paused, unable to say the words. "Please tell me he isn't, Albus. He's the only thing keeping me from… from going the same now."

Albus smiled softly at the werewolf, eyes twinkling. "Alas, that was merely a ploy, my boy. I have talked to Harry, and I must say I admire his motives. He has granted me permission to show you, and only you, our conversation in the pensieve," He explained, finishing with a gesture towards the stone basin in question. "Shall we go in, then?"

"If you're sure, Albus…" Remus replied uncertainly before he was washed away into the hospital wing of one hour ago.

God knows how long later, Remus emerged from the bowl with a strange look on his face. "I don't know whether to laugh or cry, Albus." Said the man in a distraught voice.

"I must admit my guilt in not noticing a single thing of this, Remus," the headmaster sighed, reaching for another lemon drop. "If you wish, you may see young Harry in the infirmary. I must ask you, though, to act as though he truly is insane on your way there, and until Harry gives you the all-clear."

"Consider it done, Albus," Lupin smiled wistfully.

Albus nodded sagely. "In the meantime, I will be questioning Arabella as to why I have not been informed of the abuse. As far as her reports go, both Dursley children were treated equally."

And with that, the two men left on their separate journeys, never to see each other again… for a few hours, anyway.

* * *

"Oh! Aberforth, do take a seat!" Arabella Figg, resident crazy cat-lady exclaimed as an old wizard shot out of the floo and landed on his arse – seriously, muggle fireplaces!

The wizard stood up, and with a small smile, patted the ash off of his robes (really, that chimney was in dire need of a clean!) "Arabella, this is Albus?"

She took on an owlish look. "Oh, Albus! Would you like a seat?"

Albus didn't need intelligence to notice how much more excited she had seemed at the idea of a visit from his brother than himself. Shaking off a pang of jealousy towards his brother – it was quite illogical, considering the man owned a bloody pub – Albus took the second nicest seat in the room. "Ah, thank you, Arabella. I just wanted to ask you a few questions, if I may?" he inquired, simultaneously scanning everything in the room for bugs with a few silent spells. None, thankfully.

"Oh dear, Albus, what is wrong? I think Severus said something about young Harry being insane, you know." She said with a look on her face not uncommon among gossips.

Testing his acting, Albus let out a forlorn sigh. "Yes, it would appear that the loss of his godfather hit him quite hard. They were very close, you know. It just seems… odd that such a strong boy would snap because of that. So I came to ask for a detailed account of his home-life from you."

The woman nodded in that odd way old women do when faced with something serious, all the while stroking Mr Poodles (definitely a cat) in all the wrong places, making him scream. "Yes, you would," she said approvingly, still nodding. "Well, the first time I met him, he was nearly two. Petunia was busy for some reason or another, and he was very shy. Polite, but very shy. The exact opposite of his cousin, you know. Nice boy."

"And yet you still believed they were treated the same?" Albus asked.

Arabella looked affronted. "Well, of course," she exclaimed, waving around a dusty tin of tuna. "They were both treated the exact same distance from perfect!"

Albus Dumbledore's face fell into his palm with a loud _SMACK_.

* * *

Remus Lupin was just turning a corner a few corridors from the hospital wing when he came face to face with Severus Snape.

"Ah, if it isn't the werewolf," the potions master sneered.

"Hello to you too, Severus," Remus said politely, all the while wishing he could scream bloody murder at the Snivelling bastard.

The greasy git snorted and smiled sadistically. "Feeling lonely, Lupin? Now that your mutt is gone, and your brat gone down the bend? If you ask me, it was over fifteen years too late-"

A SMACK rang through the hall as Remus back-handed the man, genuine tears reaching his eyes. "SHUT UP, SNIVELLUS!" he screamed, before running through the halls to the hospital wing. As he ran, the only thoughts running through his head were how Harry could very well have been indeed that, considering what that snivelling bastard did to him and the rest of the Marauders.

When he was finally there, he slammed the door behind him and sank to the floor in despair. Looking up and searching for Harry, he saw the boy in question giving him a tiny nod. '_The all-clear_,' Remus realised.

Remus staggered to his feet and walked heavily over to his best friend's son. Once the privacy wards had been erected, the werewolf finally succumbed to emotion. "Need any help with that snivelling, murderous, arrogant, greasy _fuck_, Harry, be sure to tell me," he said softly, voice trembling. "That bastard has done enough damage to the Marauders. It's time to get our own back."

The two spent a good few hours grieving, generally sobbing and yelling bloody murder, but let's move on, 'cause this is meant to be a humour story, not a bloody drama. Fuck's sake. The troublesome two shouldn't experience another bout of angst for a good few more chapters – er, I mean months – yet.

* * *

During the time after Harry James Potter was confined to the hospital wing for the holiday due to his 'insanity', various things happened. Firstly, no one remembered to tell Harry's friends of his 'condition', so when _The Daily Prophet_ released a special edition going into all the gory details of Snivellus' statement, they were pissed. Not their trousers, unfortunately, because that would have made a good story. Or maybe they were?

Basically, as soon as one Ronald Bilius Weasley saw the article, he went into a jealous fit and wet himself during his spasms. Molly Weasley was, naturally, distraught at this, convinced her little Ronnie was dying of something. It took ten whole minutes for the boy to realise that this wasn't the time to get jealous at his friend's publicity, and then he went into a horror fit at what had happened to Harry, soaking his trousies even further. All the while, Ginerva Weasley wet her pants in a completely different way as she fingered herself through her short skirt and knickers at the breakfast table while gazing at the old picture of a fourteen year-old Harry used in the newspaper.

Needless to mention, daddy and Hermie were unimpressed with her sluttiness, and were glaring at her from across the table.

Anyway, Hermione dragged the Weasleys – including a still orgasming Ginny who was completely oblivious to her surroundings as she cried out in pleasure – through the floo and into the headmaster's office, where she proceeded to demand why she wasn't told about his… confinement. As she did so, Arthur tried – and failed – to calm her and Molly down, Ron was still recovering from his fit (while muttering something about 'birds and bees' and 'fuck, I'm such a prick'), and Ginny was finishing off, much to her father's and headmaster's discomfort. The portraits were yelling at the blushing redhead to shut up (she was making a lot of noise, you know), while the Sorting Hat sobbed uncontrollably ("What did I do wrong? WHY, GOD, WHY?"), and Fawkes flashed away to McGonagall for better company.

After a bit of nagging (and Ginny ending her reign of… you know, and realising where she was), Albus allowed the redheads (and brunette!) to visit the supposedly insane saviour. But while Albus was content with this arrangement, as it got him away from insane teens (and one middle-aged woman), Harry was thoroughly annoyed.

He had been plotting with Lupin when the doors to the hospital wing slammed open and a sea of redheaded weirdos (and not so weirdo) and one brunette came washing through. Hermione flung herself at him and started her usual hello-I-was-so-worried-I-read-a-million-books-rant, complete with crazy hand gestures, not even realising that the boy she was ranting to was meant to be off his rocker. Ron stood back, adopting his lopsided grin, giving Harry a look that said 'yeah, she's barmy', Molly smothered Harry in a bone-crushing hug, and Ginny tried to snog him.

Now, Harry was a teenager. And any other teenage boy in fan fiction would likely have developed an instant attraction to the redhead, going as far as to have crazy sex right in front of her parents. But that's not for here.

Harry, doing his best to remain acting crazy, screamed and pushed her off of him the moment their lips locked. "Aaaargh! Albino Dementor! Help me! Help me god, help me!" he turned to Remus, grabbed his tie and yanked the man towards him. "Help me, Remus! You know I love you, baby." He yelled seductively, before kissing him on the lips.

Now, Harry is, as far as he's concerned, a straight boy. So, when he kissed his father's friend, it was fairly obvious that he didn't mean anything. To Remus, it was an obvious (if not awkward) way of saying to the others: "Hey, I'm crazy, and I'm not attracted to that redheaded girl of yours over there. Kindly leave me the fuck alone."

However, to everyone else, it looked like A) there was some serious paedophilia going on, or B) Harry was definitely insane. Now, the supposedly gay men in question were after the latter response, but sometimes, you can't help but get a bit carried away with your pranks. And that's when they go to shit.

Thus, when they began to outright snog, it was perfectly reasonable for Molly to faint, Arthur to grow so pale he didn't even notice his wife's head cracking open and spilling her brains all over the floor, Ron to look like Hermione had just stripped in front of him, and Hermione to look slightly confused as to why they were revealing this now (and slightly giddy at the thought of a wedding).

On the other hand, the unreasonable (although expected) reaction from Ginny was… something. She screamed in horror, rage, and jealousy, and tried to pull the 'couple' apart, only for Remus' werewolf strength to keep them locked together as he began to run his hands through Harry's messy black hair. It was perfectly expected, again, for her to scream about how Harry was hers, Harry's not meant to be a 'poof' ("Homophobe!" spat Hermione), Harry's only able to fall in love with a redhead, blah blah blah, etc.

When they began feeling each other up, everyone except Hermione (who by this point was positively glowing at the idea of their wedding) and Molly ('cause she's DEAD, and was picked up by Arthur) ran for their lives, which you could say was the Marauders' plan. It wasn't, though; it just sort of happened.

When Harry and Remus finally pulled apart, Hermione had squealed in delight and pounced on them, demanding all the juicy details. She only stopped when 1) Remus told her he'd just responded for fun, since he rarely gets a chance for a good snog, and 2) when Harry pounced back at her and started to snog her.

If anything, this just made the girl happier, even though she 'knew' Harry was just reacting as his 'madness' compelled him to. After all, who doesn't appreciate a good snog? …Well, me, probably. Never had a snog before.

Twas once they were left alone again and an awkward silence had filled the infirmary, when Remus admitted that "Harry, you know what? You're a damn good kisser."

The laughter that followed chased the tension away, although they didn't try again. They were willing to give it another go, though, if only to get a reaction from observers. Hopefully it wouldn't kill anyone next time, though.

The next to come through were the twins, who just apparated to Hogsmeade and walked straight there. They seemed ecstatic at the idea that their partner was completely starkers (mentally), and practically begged Harry to keep them updated on his ideas. Needless to say, Harry planned on letting them in on every single prank he did, intentional or no, this year.

Next up was Neville. Apparently, he'd just read the title before dashing off to check his friend wasn't suffering from the same 'madness' as his parents. He left relieved when he found out he was just going to be a male version of Luna, without the creatures.

Speaking of Luna Lovegood, she came out of the floo just as Neville was walking up to it on his way out. Once Neville was gone, she pounced on him with a massive grin, squealing "Oh, Harry! You're sane!" It didn't surprise either man present, though, when she leaned in closer and whispered "Don't worry, Harry. Your secret is safe with me." And with a wink, she began asking Remus about the snogging; she'd heard the Weasleys from three miles away.

When they admitted it had been staged, she nodded wisely, before turning to Harry. "Can I have a snog?"

When Albus walked in to have a word later, his eyes twinkled in amusement at the sight of the kissing teens. Remus just read a book... or tried.

However, not everyone's reactions were so brilliant.

For a brief ten seconds or so, the Ministry had tried to seize the Potter and Black vaults – Harry's vaults, or what the Ministry knows to be Harry's vaults – due to the owner being 'unstable'. However, they were forced to retreat when the goblin in charge sneered at them and told them that 1) They had no proof that Harry Potter was loopy except for a newspaper article of an interview with a Death Eater, 2) Even if the article were true, that level of insanity is nowhere near enough to empty vaults, and 3) HOW DARE YOU WIZARDS MAKE RUDE DEMANDS ON GOBLIN GROUNDS!

The aurors faced with this were traumatized for life. We can't say why. The fanged pianos might find us.

The Malfoys, in a rather poor attempt at a joke, tried to transfer 100 galleons to Harry's trust vault to 'help bear with his condition'. When Harry returned the money with a note saying that they needed it more than him, since with the Black vaults added to his name he was the richest wizard in Britain… well, he doesn't know what their faces looked like. He wasn't there, but Hashtag, a goblin, assured him that it was quite the laugh.

One anonymous Weasley made a plea to the Ministry for them to give them at least half of Harry's money, because 'he's insane and doesn't need it!' and 'I'm poor and unfortunate.'

Harry didn't know who it was, but the next morning he/she found a very strange howler by his/her breakfast that gave him/her the finger for half an hour whilst singing the word 'cunt' repeatedly. It also followed the Weasley in question everywhere, so no running away for that fat lump. Harry suspected it was Ron, or maybe Ginny, perhaps even Percy, but needed proof first. Thus, the howler.

All of Harry's teachers (the Hogwarts ones, the muggles don't give a fuck) came to visit him every now and then, which gave him plenty of practice with being loopy. He had to admit to Remus one day a week later that he actually rather enjoyed it.

The only Weasleys who came back again were Arthur, Fred and George. Arthur only came back once, to apologise for his family's behaviour, and to check up on him properly since he actually cared. Fred and George, because they seemed to enjoy chatting with the new Harry. He was sure they suspected something when they said "Give him hell for us, Harrikins!" before leaving one day, but concluded that he was probably just going paranoid.

No one seemed to care that Molly Weasley was dead. In fact, Harry had a distinct feeling that they'd just transfigured her into a dildo and chucked her over the fence of Lavender Brown's house, but when he asked everyone just grinned mischievously.

Harry and Remus became close friends. They came to an understanding that both were prejudiced against because of things they can't help (lycanthropy, parsletongue, Boy-Who-Lived, etc.) and ended up sharing stories. Harry learned of the hardships Remus had to go through as a werewolf – such as the time his girlfriend ditched him violently when he confessed his condition to her – and Remus learned of the hardships Harry had to endure as the wizard child of Lily Evans in the house of the bewitched Dursleys.

Remus managed, after great effort, to fish the whole story of his aunt's groping out of his young friend, and the conversation ended with a tear-stained Harry falling asleep in Remus' arms. No one noticed Colin Creevey take a picture, because he wasn't meant to be there anyway. That, and the midget shut up for once.

Luna visited regularly, and now that he wasn't condemned to artificial idiocy, Harry actually enjoyed Luna's strange ideas. Hermione was still hesitant, but after seeing Harry having so much fun conversing with her, she had begun trying to understand the strange witch better herself. 'Trying' being the key word.

Speaking of Hermione, after seeing Ginny behaving like the slut she was, she went back home after arranging for her fireplace to be connected to the system so she could visit Harry. Who wants to live with _that_ after all?

After a few weeks, Madam Pomfrey deemed Harry safe to walk around, and he left Hogwarts to live with Remus for a while (without the Ministry knowing, naturally). The werewolf in question had taken up temporary residence in the bed beside Harry's while he was there, so the mediwitch knew Harry wouldn't react violently to him. The only thing that bothered her was the snogging incident, but as far as she was aware, that hadn't happened since. And it hadn't. With Remus and Harry, anyway. Luna liked a bit of a snog when she visited, as did Tonks… only with her it was from Moony, not Harry. Something that amused Luna and Harry to no end, if only because the names sort of rhymed in a way.

At Remus' house, Harry practically yelled at the man for three hours straight until he let him pay three-quarters of the water bill while he was there. Remus only relented because he grew bored. After the argument, they sat down and watched telly all night, and quite often after that.

When Remus asked Harry if he would join him for the full moon in his animagus form – he could smell he had a form, apparently – Harry kept repeating that it 'might not be best' for at least ten minutes before Remus, with some crazy he'd obtained from being so exposed to it, finally yelled out "I DON'T CARE HOW BIG YOUR FORM, IS, HARRY, YOU'VE ALREADY SAID YOU WANT TO, SO COME ON!"

Harry just stared at Remus and said "One word missing from that sentence and someone would have got a very wrong idea, Moony."

The werewolf paled, shivered, and put a hand on his shoulder. "Good thing I kept the volume the same then, eh?"

The first thing Remus said when he woke up the next morning and seeing Harry was "Holy hell." He was glad Harry wouldn't be in danger of him while in his form, though.

When Harry's Hogwarts letter had arrived, he'd been upset at first when he found out he only got an E in Potions, and therefore could not move on to NEWT level, thus could not bully Snape in class. But then he read a small section at the end of the supply list that vaguely explained that they were lowering the grade needed to E because of a lack of aurors and healers, and then he ended up hugging Remus.

The only eventful thing that happened in Diagon Alley was when Ginny Weasley had yanked him into a side alley, pressed him against the wall, and proceeded to attempt to snog him senseless whilst grinding her hips into him. To say he was unimpressed was an understatement. He had simply kept still whilst the redhead's mouth worked, until she realised what was going on and pulled back to ask what was wrong with a seductive smirk on her face. He stared at her for a minute before boldly stating "You," in a creepy voice and cackling whilst running madly back through the alley to the cluster of other Weasleys.

Ginerva scowled at him when Harry flung an arm around Arthur's neck and said "Hey, Kingsie! Your daughter was trying to suffocate me again. Just thought you might want to know." Before dashing off to find Remus where he'd left him by the apothecary, arguing with some hag about tea-strainers.

He was the subject of even more stares than usual, but he didn't care. This whole crazy thing was really helping him with his confidence.

The next eventful thing had happened when he and Remus entered Gringotts before realising that Molly Weasley still had his vault key when she died. They had stared at each other in deep thought for a few seconds before returning to the Weasleys.

"Heya guys," Harry yelled to them as he drew near. "Do any of you know what Mrs Weasley did with my vault key?"

"What? Didn't she give it back to you?" Arthur asked.

"Nope, in fact, I haven't seen it since summer before fourth year." He replied, shrugging.

Arthur's eyebrows knitted together in worry. "Okay, that's not right. She told me she gave it back, so I honestly have no idea where it might be now. You should speak to the goblins; we'll come with you, since it was my wife responsible."

Back in the bank, the group approached a teller, Harry first. "Hello, Mr Wetgroin," Harry greeted cheerfully as he glanced at the nameplate, privately wondering what was wrong with the goblin's mother. "I was just wondering what would happen if I let someone borrow my trust vault key to get my school supplies whilst I couldn't for various reasons and they never returned it."

The goblin had stared at him thoughtfully, before admitting that never returning a borrowed key was a serious crime in goblin law. Apparently, if they could find proof they'd been using it against the owner's wishes, they could make their lives very unpleasant because it would be considered stealing. Wetgroin then asked who borrowed it, and when Harry admitted she died in an accident when she found the sight of two men snogging too overwhelming for her senses, the goblin asked whether he would like punishment to be forced upon their next of kin. Upon which, Harry replied, "Nah, I actually like most of them. Sure, some of them aren't very nice, but I like revenge to be personal."

Wetgroin nodded sagely and leaned forward. "If you need help with any revenge for crimes that are against goblin law, feel free to contact us at goblinsofgringotts .uk, and we will attempt to do anything within protocol to help, Mr Potter." He finished with a toothy grin, leaving Harry and Remus wondering when the heck goblins learned of the internet.

From there, the goblins performed a weird ritual that turned any existing Potter trust vault keys useless and created a new one. The concept in itself didn't sound odd at all, but the actual ritual was. Harry and Remus had been permitted to observe – the Weasleys left, Ginny looking strangely pale – and had to admit that it was near traumatising.

After an hour of nude goblins dancing in circles whilst singing about peanut butter, two house elves performing unspeakable acts of treason in the centre of the circle whilst yelling about DJs, volume and Indian boot makers, and one pygmy puff generally just squeaking about, the ritual was complete, and a goblin called Airhead – again, what's with the mothers? – approached them – still nude – to say that during the ritual he felt that a redheaded, freckled bint in a small skirt was currently in possession of the original key. The last Marauders thanked the goblin, and then proceeded to head to the Leaky Cauldron to drink the trauma away.

However, that was when Remus remembered that Harry was still only sixteen, and therefore it would be extremely irresponsible of him to allow him to get drunk in public. Thus, they returned home, where they proceeded to get drunk there.

And no, I won't tell you what happened while they were drunk. What happens to the drunks stays with the drunks… then again, I didn't get drunk. But I'm still not telling. Imagine it yourself if you're that desperate! I'm not going to say _anything_. Even if that does make it look like they screwed.

* * *

**A/N**: If you feel like someone's out of character...

**Hermione**: Why was she excited at the idea of a gay wedding when she openly frowns upon people snogging in public in canon? Well, J.K only mentioned that when she saw boys and girls kissing... maybe she's one of those strange people who gets over-excited at the idea of gay relationships because 'it's so sweet'?

As for her enjoying a snog with Harry... I dunno, I just kind of went with that one. But as an excuse, most people won't see past her bushy-haired bookworm exterior, so she probably won't get many snog chances.

**Ginny**: I don't like Ginny. That is my only excuse for her being a slut in this fic. That and I find it funny to have Harry reject her... over and over again... Seriously though, it'll make a change from the other people.

As for masturbating in public, let's just blame the inbreeding.

**Remus**: OMG did calm, collected Remus just yell, slap and break down? Yup. Everyone's human. And Remus happens to be someone I can relate to, so I figured "Too much strain is too much strain. He's gonna snap someday."

And guys, don't forget he was a member of the legendary prankster group called The Marauders. He's not all-serious.


	4. Inbred Fangirls and Druggie Fanboys

**A/N**: I have an angry reviewer. The review was extremely long and angry, thus I just read bits and pieces to get the gist of it. I'm not going to read an entire story about how stupid and selfish I am; I know I'm stupid and selfish. I don't need people yelling about it.

However, about this being non-canon to the extreme... I altered maybe one or two minor details from the past, of which the important one would have been explained to Hermione as soon as Harry has deemed her occlumency good enough. I made Harry follow a train of thought which eventually resulted in him blaming Snape for his rubbish life and wanting to get revenge for it, the thought process being entirely logical. As for the pranking Pettigrew comment, keep in mind that Snape despises all forms of 'nonsense' and constantly mocked Harry in canon. Pranking is 'nonsense' to him, and it'll be a laugh for Harry. Thus, personal revenge before heading to the legal stuff.

Very little was altered from canon, and yet you call it non-canon to the extreme. To make you happy in this regard, I suspect fanfiction would be limited to 100% canon in-between scenes fictions, like little chats between Harry and Sirius at Grimmauld Place. Which can be nice, yes, but is that _really_ the point of fanfiction? No!

Fanfiction is generally based on 'what if's. What if Harry took Cedric's death worse? What if Harry grew up with a scientist? What if Harry was abducted by aliens before Hagrid found him? What if Harry's abuse was worse? I know a very popular one based on 'What if Pettigrew took Harry to Voldie rather than give away their location?'

Another thing about fanfiction is that you can infer things from canon or add them if it seems logical. It is mentioned in canon that Harry accidentally re-grows his hair, thus my reasoning that he's a metamorphmagus in most of my stories. It's never specified that violence at the Dursleys was limited to the occasional punch, thus many people make the abuse worse than it sounded in canon in their stories. A lot of things go unsaid or don't make sense in canon, and people sometimes like to base their work on that. I believe that's how Manipulative!Dumbles and Evil!Dumbles came to being.

Anyway, I would say that if anything, _my_ reply upset _you_, not the other way round. I'm not the one openly insulting the other's intelligence, and you truly shouldn't expect everything to be explained in one chapter. It's ridiculous.

* * *

September the first found Harry chatting with Remus animatedly through the Hogwarts Express window. They were talking about a variety of subjects, such as… well, I don't know.

Anyway, at some point Luna found his compartment and decided her seat was Harry's lap. Harry didn't complain; it was actually rather nice. Remus' smug grin, however, was not ("Fuck off, Moony! Before I start treating you and Tonks the same!") By the time Ron, Hermione and Neville reached their compartment – R and H bickering all the way – Luna's head was resting on Harry's collarbone as she read _The Quibbler _upside down.

"Crikey mate, you're not going to be snogging all the way to school, are you?" Asked Ron jokingly.

"Well, I could," Harry suggested with a cheeky smirk. Ron went pale and started shaking his head furiously to say "PLEASE NO!" but Luna had other ideas, since she had recently discovered that Ron looked like a Christmas decoration when his face goes green.

Remus shook his head and left as Luna suddenly grabbed Harry's head and furiously started making out with him. Ron turned green, Neville snorted in amusement, and Hermione watched with wide, sparkling eyes that said "OMGAASH, when's the weddiiing?" Which may seem weird considering she's not Lavender or Parvati, but maybe she's interested in Harry's love life for some bizarre reason?

Ron didn't eat nearly as many chocolate frogs that trip.

About an hour into the ride, Malfoy swung the door open. Behind him were Crabbe and Goyle. But, there was no reason for me to say that, because let's face it; everyone and their constipated niece knows that. Anyway, the sight was as expected; smug, arrogant smirk on blondie, gormless gawking on the cross-eyed faces of Mr and Mrs Fattie.

"Potter, I hear you lost the plot this summer," Malfoy greeted in his usual cocky tone that has nothing to do with the lower regions of the male side of the species. "Probably from hanging around with mudbloods, blood-traitors, and-" he cut himself off when he realised who was sitting on Potty's lap. "You're dating _Loony_?"

Harry and Luna nodded contentedly in synch, then sighed like dreamy little girls. Ron promptly threw up. Hermione glowered at the Christmas bauble.

The spoilt brat had a look of horror on his face. "Merlin, no wonder you went nutters, Potter!" he exclaimed, prompting a stupid "DUUUH." From his accomplices. "Shut up, minions!"

"DUUUH."

"I said, _shut up_!" Malfoy yelled.

"DUUUH."

The blonde covered his ears dramatically. "I can't take this shit anymore." And then ran out of the compartment, leaving his trolls standing stupidly in the doorway, drool hanging out of their mouths.

Hermione looked at them critically. "Did someone hit them over the head? They're not usually this stupid."

No one noticed the cackling twins in the next compartment. Hell, no one even noticed that they weren't meant to be there!

A few minutes later, conversation turned to the most predictable subject available; the Defence teacher. Hermione was sternly telling everyone that, as it was their first NEWT year, they should be hoping for a strict and firm teacher. Ron was staring at her madly.

"You can't wish for that, Hermione!" he exclaimed, scattering bits of slobbery, chewed up cauldron cake all over Neville. "You should be wanting someone who'll favour Gryffindors like Snape-" Harry growled and Luna cackled. "-does the Slytherins! Someone who's fun and doesn't set homework!"

Neville glared at Ron, still covered in cake. "Personally, I want someone like Harry was in the DA last year," he said, sending Harry a shy look. '_Does Neville fancy me?_' Harry thought in horror. "Harry really helped with my confidence. Do you think we'll be doing them again this year, Harry?" he asked, fully turning towards Harry, blushing all the way.

'_Not if you're trying to get in my pants, I won't…_' Harry cleared his throat. "Well, if our teacher's rubbish, I might consider it…"

The boy in question smiled in delight, while Hermione stared at him critically. "Harry, that's the first time I've seen you act normal since summer started."

'_Shit! Shit shit shit, shit on it! I slipped!_' "How much experience with the insane do you have, Hermy?" Harry asked, knowing her attention would slip slightly towards the nickname.

"Not much, I'll admit," Hermione began. "But-"

"You've seen me acting fairly normal, haven't you, Hermione?" came the dreamy voice of Luna from just below Harry's.

Hermione blinked in confusion. "Well, yes, but-"

"People call me insane, and they call Harry insane," Luna said, blinking at the bookworm. "We both have our lucid moments. We're still us."

Just then, the door slid open again to reveal… the one and only… person Harry didn't want to see other than Malfoy… even more than Malfoy, actually; at least he didn't fancy him…

As Ginerva Weasley slid into the seat next to Harry's and reached out to stroke his hair, the reactions around the room varied. Hermione was glaring at the girl, having seen her masturbate to a picture of him at the _dinner table_ in front of her own _parents_. Neville was looking down at the redhead in disappointment, Luna was giving her a blank, unnerving stare, and Harry was trying to keep his face distant and dreamy even though all he wanted to do was run far far away from the crazy woman.

Ronald, on the other hand, was blinking stupidly between Ginny and Harry. "Mate, are you dating two girls at once?"

Glaring at Ron, Harry let his irritation show on his face. "No. I'm dating Luna, Ron. Your sister is a crazy stalker, and I would appreciate it if she were to get her fucking fingers out of my hair."

The fingers didn't leave his hair.

Ron stared at Harry. "But if you're not dating, then why is she being all…" he gestured wildly with his hands. "Weird?"

At that point, Ginny snaked her arms round Harry and leaned her head on his shoulder. "Because we were meant to be…"

Harry shook his head and tried to shove her off to no avail. "Ginny, I'm not interested. I'm dating Luna-"

"NO YOU AREN'T! POTTER'S CAN ONLY DATE REDHEADS! NOT WEREWOLF UNCLES AND CRAZY BLONDES! I'M THE PRETTIEST REDHEAD IN SCHOOL! KISS ME!"

"FUCK OFF, BITCH!" Harry yelled as Luna grabbed her wand and sent a hex towards her. Said curse would normally have flung her across the compartment, out into the hall, and caused her to grow very painful tuna shaped boils in embarrassing places. However, because her grip was so tight, although the boils were still effective, all three teenagers were flung into the corridor.

With Ginny under the actual couple.

People stopped to stare, whispering, as Harry and Luna lifted themselves off the ground, not even looking at Ginny. As Harry brushed some dust off of Luna's sleeve, Ginny tried to use Harry's trouser leg to pull herself up. However, since Ginny had never studied physics (and never bothered to understand the concept of gravity, because hey, magic!), she didn't realize that she had to grab the actual _leg_, not just the cloth, lest something bad happened. Which it did.

Ginerva Weasley fell back to the floor as Harry's trousers ripped from the knee downwards. Harry stared at the tear. "Ah, thank you Ginerva. I've been wanting an excuse to dispose of Dudley's hand-me-downs and buy my own stupid clothes."

More whispering followed. Why was the Chosen One wearing cast-offs? Someone of higher intellect than your average pawn exclaimed that it was likely he'd always been wearing second-hand stuff if he was now. Then people began to ask; why? Why didn't he buy his own? The Potters had money, didn't they…?

Thus was the reason people came to the conclusion that Harry was being abused by his relatives. Harry smirked discretely in satisfaction; these rumours would just piss Snivellus off more.

From the floor, suddenly, he heard a pitiful whining. Looking down, he saw Ginerva giving him puppy-dog eyes as she faked crying. "Please help me up, Harry!" she whimpered.

Harry smiled and bent down until they were eye to eye. Then he stared as Ginerva seemed to get her hopes up and lean forwards into what she thought would be a kiss. Then he grinned, bellowed "BOO!" in her face, licked her cheek like a dog, picked Luna up by the waist and ran back into the compartment, locking the door shut.

Turning back to the others, he gave a dramatic sigh of relief. "That's all the crazies dealt with!"

Just as Ron was about to defend his sister, the door was slammed open again. '_The fuck? How'd they do that?_' Harry thought in confusion as he took in the sight beyond the door. There was no one there.

Just as Harry was about to close the door, a flash crossed his vision and he blinked furiously. '_No… Please no, not this one…_' he mentally screamed as he slowly looked down. There, at waist height ('_Did he stunt his growth just for that?_' Harry wondered) was the mad, grinning form of Colin Creevey. Foam was making its way out of his giggling mouth, and his bright blue eyes were crossed. "HELLO HARRY!"

Harry swayed slightly. It was like the kid had swallowed a _soronus_ charm or something. Then, as he realized he was about to fall to the right, he looked down to see he was still holding Luna. Putting her down, he stared down at the crazy kid. "Colin."

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE CRAZY, HARRY, I'LL LOVE YOU ANYWAYS! MUMMY AND DADDY WERE WORRIED ABOUT WHAT IT'D DO TO ME, BUT I DON'T CARE, I FUCKING LOVE YOU AND I'LL DO ANYTHING TO MAKE YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE, SO I STARTED TAKING," he paused, taking a deep breath. "_DRUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS!_" Colin finished in what Harry thought was a terrible impression of a death growl.

From behind him, he heard Hermione faint. This was going to be a long ride.


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor