Harry Potter 1. Prologue

_**PROLOGUE **_

_December, 1996…the Second War has begun…_

An icy wind blew heavily, cutting across the man's face, causing his cheeks to smart. He ignored the blistering and simply turned the collar of his long, faded cloak up against the cold, continuing his determined trudge. A little girl with a skipping rope called out to the stranger, telling him to watch her, look how well she can skip. The man stopped for a mere moment, smiled at the girl, and went on his way.

He arrived at his destination – a bleak cemetery, where everything had gone brown and grey in the early winter. The two graves he had located quickly were slightly overrun with a dying weed, which he pulled off of the headstones impatiently.

It occurred to him that he really had no reason for being there at all. It was not the anniversary of their deaths, he had not brought flowers, and he was not planning to pray or talk to them or even utter one syllable. He did not feel particularly sad (though when had he last felt truly _happy_? It seemed an age). His period of bereavement had long since passed. True, a tiny bit of his heart would still twinge when he was reminded of them, but he pushed that emotion aside as silly, trying to convince himself that he was being weak, to just forget them…but he couldn't.

He let out a deep sigh, the sound lost in the howl of a wind threatening to bring snow at the next gust. He had never felt so old in all his life – and then he realized just how old he really was. He _had _aged quite a bit since his last visit, not just in the natural physical way, but so much worn him out mentally that all he wished for was a bit of peace. Yes, he had wonderful friends back home, wonderful people in the Order of the Phoenix, but Remus Lupin was known for being secretive and not sharing his innermost feelings. And without sharing those feelings, how was he supposed to find calm?

There was one person he could talk to…the one person he'd always been able to turn to in dark times. She was also his fiancée, but that was an almost secondary thing to their friendship. It was one of deepest understanding and caring, something Remus had always felt somewhat deprived of. When Ermengarde Switoviak had crash-landed into his life twenty years ago, he had found not only someone he could have a laugh with and share a cup of tea casually, but someone he could really _love_.

Remus thought back to the ring he had given her when he had proposed. He remembered buying it and wishing he could afford something better. Sirius and James had both offered to give him the money for a more impressive ring, but he had refused. The ring he ended up buying was a simple band of silver with a pearl in the centre and a tiny diamond on either side of it. It certainly was pretty, but not the dazzling thing he'd hoped to present Ermengarde with. She, however, couldn't have been more thrilled with it…

_"Remus, it's…" Ermengarde trailed off, staring at the ring, then at him. "Are you – are you trying to ask me –" _

_"Yes, I am," said Remus. He took the ring out of the box. "Will you? Will you marry me?"_

_Ermengarde's eyes went wide and her mouth opened slightly. For a horrible, terrible, appalling moment, Remus was sure she was about to say no. What on Earth was he to do in that event? He certainly hadn't planned on anything if that were the case, he hadn't made any arrangements, he hadn't exactly prepared a speech…but as these thoughts were racing wildly in his head, she had flung her arms around his neck and laughed giddily, her voice echoing in the silent night air._

_"Is that a yes?" Remus asked very hopefully, hugging her in return._

_"Yes, of course it is!" said Ermengarde. _

_Remus couldn't help it. He knew it was cliché and silly, but he lifted her up and spun her around a few times before setting her down and gently taking the glove off of her hand. She had tears streaming down her face, but she was smiling widely all the same. He slid the ring easily onto her petite finger and kissed her hand. It wasn't until she'd touched his cheek and wiped away a tear that he realized he had even shed one. He was just so happy at the thought of marrying Ermengarde, of always being with her, that nothing else mattered. He pulled her into a kiss, and he knew he would remember that moment forever as the best moment of his life. _

Shaking his head to clear it, Remus straightened up and looked at the two headstones in front of him. The names were etched in the granite, cold and hard as the chill of early winter. He couldn't believe his loved ones were gone, even though it had happened almost sixteen years ago. After running a hand over his prematurely lined face, he left the graveyard with just one thought…

…_get him._


	2. Chapter One: A Wedding

_**Chapter One: A Wedding**_

_November, 1979…the First War approaches._

Remus walked up the stairs to Ermengarde's flat and rang the bell. He knew he was slightly early, but Ermengarde was a low-maintenance girl. She'd be ready by now. He was surprised, therefore, when she flung open the door still in her dressing gown, her hair pinned up unflatteringly on top of her head, looking slightly harassed.

"I overslept!" she moaned, letting him in. "I'll be ready as fast as I can be, I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay," said Remus. "Do you need anything?"

"No!" shouted Ermengarde's back as she ran to her bathroom. "I like that suit, by the way!"

"Thanks. It's Sirius's."

"Better colour for you, though."

And with that, she slammed the door to her bathroom. Remus heard the clattering of various beauty products and the running of the sink. When he heard her swear loudly, which she never did, he shook his head and grinned. He'd never seen her in a panic that wasn't about something life-threatening. He helped himself to a soda from her refrigerator and sat down at the kitchen table, playing with the leaf off of a potted plant from the centre of it. When he'd finished the soda and realised with a jolt that they were running late, he pounded on the bathroom door.

"Come on, Ermengarde, we'll be late! We should have left ten minutes ago!" he called.

"Remus, I'm a _girl_. What did you expect, for me to be ready on time?" Ermengarde said back.

"Well…yes, actually," said Remus lightly.

"We won't be late, I promise. Let me just make sure I've done everything…"

Remus sighed, but he couldn't help a chuckle. He knew he was just being neurotic about being on time, and he told himself he was being silly. Ermengarde so rarely took extra time getting ready for anything that he realised she was probably just nervous. Just a few more minutes passed and he heard Ermengarde click off the light switch. When she opened the door into the bright hall, Remus felt his smile take over his whole face.

"You look beautiful," he said, and Ermengarde beamed.

She had done something different with her hair, clipping the sides back with pearly bobby pins, so that the neat curls were pulled away from her face. Even though Remus thought she was equally pretty without makeup, she had taken the time to curl up her eyelashes and put on some mascara.

"Is it all right? It's not very wintry," she asked, indicating the turquoise dress she'd chosen. It matched her eyes perfectly.

Remus laughed right aloud. "Is it all right?" he repeated. "It's perfect."

"All right, _now _we can go," said Ermengarde with a giggle that made her pearl-drop earrings dance around her face.

"Nice earrings," said Remus, noting them.

"They go well with this," said Ermengarde, holding out her hand and grinning.

The engagement ring Remus had given her, simple though it was, looked much prettier on her finger. The tiny diamonds that surrounded the pearl in the centre of the band looked much less pathetic. He still wished he could have afforded something fancier, that look more –

_Quit worrying about that_, he said to himself sharply. _Stop thinking about how much the damn ring cost…even if she _does _deserve so much better._

"Remus," said Ermengarde as though she'd read his mind. "I think it's perfect."

And, taking his arm in hers, they walked out Ermengarde's front door together.

Remus and Ermengarde arrived just on time and found their seats right before the ceremony started. When Lily entered, Remus heard Ermengarde give a girlish little gasp that made him smile. He loved how, no matter how things surrounding her were, she could still find things to be innocently excited about. Lily did indeed look wonderful, holding a bouquet of daffodils and wearing a veil that framed her face perfectly.

_This is nice_, said a voice in Remus's head. _I thought I'd feel something, and I don't. Only happiness. I suppose I've grown up, then_.

_You've also got a remarkable girl yourself_, said another voice.

Looking at Ermengarde's glowing face as she watched James and Lily get married, Remus told himself how lucky he was to have met her. He remembered his silly crush he'd had on Lily and how carefully he'd concealed it from James. He remembered thinking Lily was the answer to all his problems, simply because she was the only girl who'd ever spoken to him _first_. But then Ermengarde had entered his life and everything made sense. All those childish feelings he'd had for Lily – so briefly, really, that it seemed like they had never happened – had flooded away. It was as though all of the things that had happened to Ermengarde had happened solely to bring them together to find happiness. He reached for her hand and she took it. As he held her hand, he couldn't believe he could ever love anyone but her.

"Look at Sirius," she whispered to him.

Remus looked. Sirius was brimming with joy, it seemed, and seemed to be suppressing a giant smile. He looked very much the way a proud father would. The ceremony was finished with a kiss between Lily and James, and everyone stood up and applauded, thrilled for the couple. Remus and Ermengarde clapped particularly hard, and as James and Lily passed, they said a quick hello before continuing down the aisle.

On the way to the reception, Ermengarde somehow managed to lose an earring. She backtracked and searched for at least twenty minutes before it occurred to anyone to simply say "_Accio!_"

"I swear, I must be going mad, to have forgotten to just _summon_ the bloody thing…" Ermengarde muttered as she thrust the earring impatiently back in her ear, winced as she missed the hole, and tried once more.

"Come on, we're horribly late. Let's just Apparate –"

"Not unless you want half a wife, because I've never Apparated and not splinched myself."

"We can do Side-Along."

"You'd only _get_ one side of me if we do that. Seriously, Remus, I'm hopeless at Apparating, can't we just walk? It isn't far…"

"It's just that we were already almost late for the actual wedding…"

"Yes, but I wasn't joking when I said I'd splinch myself. I tried just last week and ended up with one foot inside my flat and the rest of me in Diagon Alley."

Remus gave in, of course, and they walked. When they finally arrived – very late – the party was in full swing. The reception was a loud event, full of food and music and laughter. True to character, Lily and James had opted for a casual party rather than a formal, sit-down affair. Sirius sprinted over to Remus and Ermengarde as they arrived, smiling ear to ear.

"About time you got here!" he said, cuffing Remus on the shoulder playfully.

"Good to see you, Sirius, you look wonderful!" said Ermengarde.

"You should have seen James just before, he kept trying to smash his hair flat, but it's no good, it'll never look like he wants it to," said Sirius confidingly. "You two look all right, though!"

"Thank you very much," said Ermengarde.

"Come on, you've got to have some of these weird yam things Lily's mum made, they're excellent…"

Sirius had directed them to a table laden heavily with all sorts of dishes, including a vast plate of what looked like whipped sweet potatoes with pineapple and candied walnuts and cinnamon in them. Ermengarde looked slightly wary, but Sirius had already put some on a plate for her and was now holding it under her nose, looking at her expectantly. She took a small bite, then smiled.

"They're delicious," she said. "Try some, Remus…"

Remus took a taste. They were, indeed, very good. The two of them loaded up their plates and followed Sirius to a table where James, Lily, and Peter were seated. All of them rose to greet Remus and Ermengarde, congratulating them once again on their engagement and voicing enthusiastically their wishes for their happiness.

"Well," said Sirius. "As I already made my toast – well done missing it, you two," he added to Ermengarde and Remus, who both smiled sheepishly. "All I'm going to say is that I'm glad we're all here together, safe and sound, and that Remus finally found himself one hell of a great girl. Congratulations, you two."

Remus and Ermengarde beamed and drank with everyone. A few minutes' happy conversation later, Ermengarde had snatched Remus's hand and also grabbed hold of Lily, dragging everyone to the dance floor. Remus immediately tensed.

"Ermengarde – look, I'm a terrible dancer…" he said, embarrassed.

"So? I am too, but who cares?" said Ermengarde.

A number of fast, jazzy tunes played, where Ermengarde did most of the dancing while Remus made half-hearted sort of moves, not really sure what to do. At long last, a much slower number began to play. He felt much more confident in his ability to revolve slowly on the spot. Ermengarde held Remus's hand tightly and rest her head against his shoulder. He felt sure she had a smile on her face.

"Let's have this sort of party for our wedding," she said suddenly, looking at him. "This is fun."

"Anything you like," said Remus.

"Well, it would be good if you liked it too…you are having a good time, aren't you?" asked Ermengarde.

"Well, I don't think breaking my fiancée's toes really qualifies as a good time, but other than that…"

Ermengarde laughed and put her head back on his shoulder. It was a nice feeling, dancing with her, not really listening to the music, watching all the other happy couples around them. He wished nothing would ever have to change and made a promise to himself to keep it from doing so at all costs.


	3. Chapter Two: Too Close for Comfort

_**Chapter Two: Too Close for Comfort**_

_August, 1980…Voldemort's powers are growing…_

Remus sat at the table in the kitchen of the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, absentmindedly stirring his coffee, when Ermengarde came in, still in her dressing gown and her hair in a braid.

"Morning," she said sleepily, brushing a stray curl out of her face. "How was everything last night?"

"Dark," said Remus. Ermengarde laughed.

"No one was hurt?" she asked.

"No, no one at all," said Remus. "Though I would like to take some cues from this house and brighten up the inside of the Shrieking Shack a bit."

"Yes, it's nice here," she said. "You've got a great view of the village from the hill. And I must say, I can't complain about being within walking distance of Honeyduke's. I've probably put on so much weight just in the past week."

"You haven't."

"You just say that so I'll go today and bring you chocolate."

"Okay, yes, but you _do _look fine… and besides, I think I should have chocolate. It was rough last night."

Ermengarde smiled and started tidying up the kitchen a bit while Remus opened the window to let the owl in who delivered the paper, paid him, and sat back down.

"Great Scott, Millie Christie's dead…" said Remus as he scanned the headlines of the _Daily Prophet_.

"What?" gasped Ermengarde, looking over his shoulder.

"Right here," said Remus, and he put the paper down on the table for her to read.

**SHOCKING ATTACK AT GODRIC'S HOLLOW**

Last night, Muggles in the area surrounding Godric's Hollow were shocked to hear screams and see flashes of light coming from number nine, Mane Street. Authorities who were first on the scene found Millie Christie, sixty-three, dead in her kitchen.

"There was no sign of a struggle," a Muggle policeman told investigators just before his memory was modified. "But whoever it was locked the door behind them. It's a mystery, this one."

Ministry officials swarmed the scene for hours, but could not come to any conclusion other than the worst: that this is indeed the work of dark wizards. Despite the lack of the Dark Mark, the Magical Law Enforcement witches and wizards are positive the attack was performed by Death Eaters. Residents of Godric's Hollow and the surrounding areas have been given proper instructions on how to arm themselves against attack. Auror Melinda Branagh, however, feels this is not enough.

"We should be placing Hit Wizards at every house," she said vociferously. "I mean, obviously we can't, because there's not enough of us, but a slip of paper telling you to Apparate away isn't going to do it. We should be telling people how to defend themselves, even teach them how to curse the attacker if necessary."

Junior Minister of the Department of Magical Catastrophes Cornelius Fudge seemed hesitant to give comment.

"It's a terrible tragedy and we are doing everything we can to find who did this to bring them to justice," he said, and hurried off to help with the investigation. _(Continued on page nine)_

Ermengarde sighed deeply as she sank into the chair next to Remus, not wishing to read the rest of the story. Remus poured her a cup of tea, knowing she was thinking the same thing he was: Godric's Hollow…it was just too close, too coincidental…

"Do you think he knows?" she asked huskily, adding two lumps of sugar to her tea. "I mean…Mane Street…that's very close to James and Lily!"

"It does seem a bit too close for comfort," said Remus, now watching her add one spoonful of honey and stir gently. "But for all we know, it wasn't what we think. I mean…if you read the rest of it, it says something about all her electricity being out. Maybe – maybe she shocked herself or something, I mean, she was getting older, bless her…"

"She wasn't that old," said Ermengarde darkly. "I know there wasn't a Dark Mark or anything, but who's to say it was an official Death Eater or it wasn't someone who'd been under the Imperius Curse and couldn't do it or something?"

"I'm with you," said Remus.

"Good morning," said Emmeline Vance as she made her way into the kitchen, wearing her customary shawl. "Are you two not eating anything?"

"Emmeline, look," said Ermengarde, and she handed Emmeline the paper.

Emmeline's eyes got very wide as she scanned the pages of the newspaper. When she finished the article, she folded the paper slowly and put it down on the table.

"I'm going to make everyone a spot of breakfast," she said in her dignified manner. "Peter and Benjy are leaving in a few minutes, but they'd better eat before they go, and I don't have to be off until eight, and I believe Dorcas is coming by soon. We'll see what everyone has to say then."

And she set off making breakfast, roasting eggs and frying ham and boiling potatoes for chips. Moments later, Peter and Benjy Fenwick had joined them in the kitchen, dressed for work. Benjy's mop of brown hair was still messy from sleep, and Ermengarde immediately smashed flat a lock that was sticking straight up and annoying her.

"Thanks," he said in his scruffy way.

Dorcas Meadowes knocked on the door, and Remus let her in. Ermengarde helped Emmeline put plates of breakfast on the table, then held up the _Daily Prophet_.

"Who's seen this yet?" she asked. No one answered. "There was an attack at Godric's Hollow."

The reaction was immediate. Dorcas jumped up and snatched the paper, beginning to read it; Peter gasped; Benjy seemed to wake up a bit more.

"They didn't – Lily and James?" said Benjy thickly as he attempted to swallow his egg whole. "And the little one?"

"No, it wasn't them, it was Millie Christie, but it does seem an awful coincidence," said Ermengarde. "She was pretty well-known for her anti-Voldemort views."

"Not to mention the fact that she made a statement last week in the _Prophet _that she'd love to get their hands on the Death Eaters for causing such trouble for the children," said Remus.

"Millie Christie was a sweet woman," said Dorcas. "She helped me through some tough times during my Auror training…she'd make me tea and tell me not to give up on myself."

"We all liked her," said Emmeline.

"I'd only met her that one time," said Ermengarde. "It was ages ago, d'you remember, Remus?"

"I remember," said Remus. "It was right after we got engaged."

Ermengarde's hand suddenly flew to the ring on her finger, which she rubbed as if for good luck. She bit her lip and gave Remus a significant look. He ignored it and took a sip of coffee, inwardly feeling a small amount of guilt.

The two had reached an agreement not to get married until after the dust from this war had settled…until they could be sure it was safe. Remus had vehemently insisted on this considering all the work he would be doing around untamed werewolves and how they tended to find out if you were attached to anyone and threaten to attack them. He wished, however, that this didn't have to be the case, and that they could just get on with it and get married. Ermengarde had insisted that it wouldn't be a problem, that Remus was just overly concerned about her safety, but he stood his ground. There was no way he'd allow her to get hurt on his account.

That day, Remus stayed in headquarters, feeling entirely useless. He was the only member of the Order without a job, since the new anti-werewolf decrees now stated that a werewolf in any job where they come into contact other people (meaning, basically, every job on the face of the Earth) must be under the supervision of another. Since it was very hard to find someone willing to always oversee a "dangerous half-breed", Remus had had no luck finding employment yet.

In order to ease his boredom, he had taken to reading every book he could get his hands on. Today, very immersed in _Ghosts, Goblins, and Ghouls: Common Misconceptions_, he was startled out of his reading by a shout from somewhere near the fireplace.

"Oi, Remus!"

Remus knelt in front of the flames to see Marlene McKinnon staring out at him, looking very pale and worried.

"Marlene! Are you all right?" asked Remus concernedly.

"I'm fine. Look, I've only just heard about this, it's bound to be in the _Evening Prophet_. There was an attack on a little girl last night," said Marlene, very quickly.

"Where? What happened?" asked Remus.

"Her name's Lorene Spark," said Marlene. "She's only eleven."

"Well, what happened?" Remus prompted.

"She was bitten by a werewolf."

Remus felt himself go slightly pale.

"Where does she live?" he asked.

"Just outside Hogsmeade," said Marlene.

At these words, Remus felt somewhat ill. It couldn't have been…he'd remember, he'd know…but now he thought about it, he had a few hours entirely unaccounted for…

"Remus," said Marlene sharply. "It wasn't you."

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Wouldn't you be the first to know if it had been? Give yourself a break. I'll bet even as a werewolf you're gentler than most. No, it wasn't you at all. We think it might've been Fenrir Greyback. Look, I haven't got any more time, I was just wondering if you'd know anything, but obviously you don't…I'll see you tonight, but if I don't get back to work now they'll chop off fingers next. I'm supposed to be on the search for Lucius Malfoy, there was some funny business at his manor last week that we _still _haven't got on…"

And with all that said in one breath, Marlene's head disappeared from the fire, leaving Remus alone yet again.


	4. Chapter Three: Christmas at the Burrow

_**Chapter Three: Christmas at the Burrow**_

_Christmas, 1996…Yuletide at the Burrow while Voldemort's powers grow a second time…_

Remus had no idea why, but for some reason, he found himself staring vacantly into the fireplace at the Burrow, not really listening to the overly loud music Mrs. Weasley had insisted on playing (though no one could totally tune out Celestina Warbeck's trills) and ignoring the shouts and cries from Fred, George, and Ginny's game of Exploding Snap (Ginny was beating the boys soundly).

It seemed strange to him to be back in civilization, to be sitting in an ordinary living room surrounded by perfectly lovely people, all of whom cared about him very much. After spending so much time like an animal – literally and figuratively – the sight of sofas and newspapers and fireplaces seemed almost foreign to him. They were, of course, a welcome change to what his living conditions had been for the past few months, but definitely an odd one. Molly's cooking was the best part of the return to culture.

However, as voices floated around him and Harry began vehemently explaining his latest theory to Arthur on how Draco Malfoy was planning to bring a downfall to Hogwarts – or something like that, Remus wasn't totally sure as he'd tuned in halfway through – and Fleur and Bill simpered over each other, Remus found himself thinking about a little girl from many years ago.

Her name was Lorene Spark, and she was only eleven when he met her. Marlene McKinnon had informed him the day after a particularly violent full moon (which Sibyll Trelawney had insisted was caused because of Mercury being in retrograde) that she had been attacked by a werewolf the previous night. Remus had felt a hideous, horrified moment when he thought it might have been him, but it had turned out to be the work of Fenrir Greyback, the most vicious of all werewolves, the one who had bitten Remus when he was a small boy. The day he met Lorene stood out in his memory as fresh as though it had just occurred…

_"Hello, Lorene, my name is Remus Lupin," said Remus as he entered the room at St. Mungo's, taking off his hat. "How are you feeling?"_

_Lorene turned to him, looking very scared, and did not say anything. Remus saw that she was a cute little girl, with chocolate-coloured skin and two long pigtails. She was very small anyway, but as she was surrounded by fluffed pillows and in a too-big gown, she looked even tinier. _

_"There's no reason to be afraid, sweetheart," said Remus, sitting down. "I'm here to help you. I heard there was an accident last night."_

_"Yes," said Lorene. Her voice was smaller than Remus had expected. _

_"Can you tell me what happened?"_

_"I was in my room and I heard someone scratch at the window. When I looked, I didn't think anyone was there, so I opened the window, and he –"_

_Lorene broke off, tears beginning to form in her eyes. Remus reached out and took her hand in his reassuringly. He felt a very fatherly connection to her, wondering if this is how his parents felt when _he'd_ been attacked._

_"Go on," he urged her gently._

_"He bit my arm. Hard. I didn't know what had happened, so I started yelling, and my sister came into the room."_

_"What did your sister do?"_

_"I told her to get him off of me, and she did some curse, I don't know what. But it made him go away. Then she got our mum and daddy and they brought me here."_

_"You're very brave, Lorene. Braver than some grown-up wizards and witches I know," said Remus genuinely._

_He gave her hand a little squeeze and she gave a ghost of a smile._

_"Are you going to tell everyone what I am now?" she asked._

_"No, I'm not," said Remus. "It'll be our secret, right?"_

_"All right," said Lorene. "But…"_

_"Yes?"_

_"Will I be allowed to go to school now? I want to go to Hogwarts so badly. I got my letter already, but now they might not let me go!" Lorene wailed._

_"Of course you'll go," said Remus firmly. "Dumbledore will take good care of you. He took very good care of me."_

_"Of you? You mean…are you a –"_

_"Yes, I am," said Remus. "So you can trust me. If you need me for anything, your mum and daddy know how to contact me."_

_"Thank you, sir," said Lorene._

_"You can call me Remus," said Remus, standing up. "I've got to go now, Lorene, but your family is coming to see you now. Thank you for telling me what happened."_

_"You're welcome. Thank you for visiting me. Will you come back again tomorrow?"_

_"If you'd like me to, yes."_

_"I would," said Lorene, and Remus saw in her eyes her need for someone like her to be nearby._

_"Then of course I will. But for now, I have to be off. Get some rest," said Remus, and he left the ward with a warm smile and a wave that Lorene returned._

_His heart ached to think how this sweet little girl would now have to suffer. Though he was a young man, Remus had already begun to feel older than ever. Outside in the hall, Remus greeted Lorene's parents and sister, Luminita, whom he remembered from school. He gave her an extra hug, then left, feeling if he stayed any longer, he would be intruding on their family's privacy…_

Something Harry said jolted him back to reality, something about Snape helping Draco in this quest to join Voldemort or carry out his orders. Remus found himself replying to Harry mechanically, his mind elsewhere from his words, telling him that as long as Dumbledore believed Snape, they should as well…but his heart wasn't really in his replies, truthful though they were. He just wanted to be able to go upstairs and go to bed, but knew it would be ungrateful to back out of the festivities so early.

With a slight jolt, Remus realised he was telling Harry about Greyback. Had he really been so lost in his thoughts about Lorene that he hadn't even known what he was talking about? Had Greyback even been part of the conversation they were having? But at looking at the expression on Harry's face – one of interest and engagement, not of confused politeness – he knew Harry must have asked about him. For heaven's sake, what was wrong with him? He must get a grip on himself. If he started to always talk without realising what he was talking about, it could have really nasty consequences.

"But you are normal!" said Harry in response to Remus's remark about Greyback's belief of revenge on normal people. "You've just got a – a problem –"

This was enough to bring warmth into Remus's heart. In that second, despite the difference in eyes, Harry had looked exactly like his father, sounded like him as well, and had used a phrase almost exactly like James had used to. Remus told Harry how James used to refer to his "furry little problem". His thoughts finally caught up with his words, Lorene's innocent face finally out of his mind, Remus accepted a glass of eggnog and drank deeply, feeling that nothing in the world could have ever tasted better.

Christmas lunch was an interesting occasion. Everyone had worn their new sweaters that Molly had knitted for them – Remus was especially grateful for his dark blue one, as his only sweaters had begun to get very ragged – and passing food around. Remus accepted the parsnips George passed him and loaded up his plate with various other delicacies Molly had prepared. He tried to shake off the uncomfortable mentions of Nymphadora Tonks, as they caused him rather a few prickles up the neck he didn't want to feel.

It wasn't that he didn't _like _Tonks, because he did, he was terribly fond of her. But there were too many things standing in the way of any sort of relationship between the two of them. Their ages, for one, because how could she expect someone as old as Remus to be able to offer her the same things as a younger man could? Money was another issue, as Remus had next to none. Lycanthropy, obviously, was on the map as number one…well, perhaps not number one…there was one other thing holding Remus back…


	5. Chapter Four: Essence of Goat

_**Chapter Four: Essence of Goat**_

_October, 1980…Voldemort's powers are nearing a peak…_

Rubbing his weary eyes, Remus climbed the staircase of the headquarters house. There was something to be said for living somewhere Unplottable – no neighbours were likely to pop in and catch him looking this terrible. True, the rest of the Order would see, but that didn't really matter so much, considering none of them were looking too well themselves.

The entire Order had spent the past four hours arguing over strategies and tactics (the Prewett brothers were keen to use dead-of-night guerrilla tactics, Edgar Bones, the Longbottoms, and Dorcas favoured a more structured approach, while Sirius, James, Hagrid, and Marlene were all for broad daylight attacks), none of which was made any easier by the presence of Severus Snape. Remus wasn't totally inclined to trust him at first, but Dumbledore had faith in him, which was enough. Snape, however, had spent the entire time sneering around, making everyone feel like absolute fools. The good thing about having a Death Eater on their side, though, was that he seemed to know a bit better than the rest of them how Voldemort operated. Hopefully, that would help them track him down.

Remus felt particularly proud of his fiancée that night. Ermengarde had fought vociferously for her opinion and it had won out, much to Remus's pleasure. She certainly had the right idea about dealing with Muggle relations, probably because she had grown up with Muggles. Well, at least, she had done until a strange occurrence had knocked her back in time twenty years…but that fact had almost been forgotten over the years, as she had become accustomed to life in the past.

"Ermengarde?" Remus whispered as he passed hers and Emmeline's room. The door was slightly ajar. "Are you in there?"

"I'm here," Ermengarde whispered back. She was already in bed.

Remus entered the room. "I'm proud of you," he said, grinning widely.

"Thanks," she said, and he could tell she was smiling back, though the room was too dark to see.

"Listen, I've been thinking…" Remus trailed off, cleared his throat, and continued. "About you staying here. I don't really like the idea of it."

"Well, I know that," said Ermengarde.

"I've talked to Lily and James, and they said they'd let you stay with them until all this passes."

"What?" said Ermengarde, sitting straight up in her bed. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm saying that this is a great way for you to be safer!"

"Stop it, Remus, I'm not going anywhere," said Ermengarde. "Not without you, anyway. Why the sudden need to hide me away?"

"Just…all the work I'll be doing with feral werewolves. I'd feel much better if I knew you were with Lily and James," said Remus.

"But what have I got to do with any of that?"

"Look," said Remus, and Ermengarde seemed taken aback by the sharp tone in his voice, which he immediately softened. "It's for both of us, really. If they found out I have a fiancée, they'd immediately lose their trust in me since you're not a werewolf. I have to pretend I've rejected normal wizards in order to make this work, don't you see? Having you live elsewhere will protect you and help me in my work."

Of course, he was lying entirely. He did not want her to know that Greyback had sent him a message saying he knew about Ermengarde…

_"Post for you, Remus," said Elphias Doge, handing Remus a small, scrubby envelope. "Been through the wringer, this one."_

_"Looks like it," said Remus, opening it. _

_As he read the message, his expression remained mild, but his heart began to pound. It read:_

_**Tell your people the werewolves are in Germany or your pretty one gets it.**_

_** -Fenrir Greyback**_

_Crumbling the note in his hand and tossing it into the fire, Remus leapt up from his chair and grabbed a handful of Floo Powder. It was time to pay Prongs a call…_

Ermengarde bit her lip, considering the offer.

"Please, just say you'll go," said Remus. "It might not be for very long. Who knows when Voldemort will fall? Because he will."

"I know he will," said Ermengarde, and Remus realised that she really _knew _he would. At that moment, he began to fully appreciate that Ermengarde was not from his own time.

"You know?" said Remus, very quietly, hoping for more information.

"It was just a statement of faith," said Ermengarde, so firmly that Remus knew she would refuse to divulge any other titbits from the future. "You know I can't say any more."

"Right," said Remus. "But…will you go to Lily and James's?"

"What makes you think I'll be safer there?"

"I trust them. They're great wizards. And so are you. The three of you together would be –"

"I'll go," said Ermengarde. "I'll go. But I want you to promise me that you'll stay safe."

"I'll try to," said Remus.

"No, you _will_. If you're reckless, _I'll _bite you."

Remus found this threat to be extremely funny and started laughing much harder than perhaps he normally would. He supposed the strain of all he was asking of Ermengarde had finally gotten to him, and his shoulders shook for mirth. Ermengarde, at first, stared at him in bewilderment, then joined in, finally collapsing against him in a tight hug.

"I'll be careful," Remus promised.

A light knock at the door alerted them to Sirius's presence.

"Sorry to interrupt," he said. "But Snivelly wants a word, Remus."

"Would you stop calling him that? School's been over for four years already," Ermengarde berated him.

"Four years and he's no better," Sirius shot back. "I don't think calling him 'Snivelly' is so bad when he called himself 'Death Eater' for the past two years."

"And I'm sure you had nothing to do with his decision to become one," said Ermengarde scathingly.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, I'm not so sure all your bullying didn't help push him over the edge."

"Push him over the edge? Ermengarde, he's been over the edge since first year! Before! He'd never even _seen _the edge because he was born over it!"

"Well, you'd know, acting the way you do."

"What?"

"Always have to be so _brave_, so _valiant_, so bloody _foolhardy _that you're just going to land all of us in trouble!"

"What the ruddy hell are you on about?"

"Trying to act the hero all the time! I heard you downstairs. You think the best way to fight Voldemort is to just leap on him out in the open? Blazes of glory don't last that long, Sirius!"

"You've gone mental. You've finally gone completely mental. She's babbling, Moony –"

"Leave him out of this!" said Ermengarde. She was standing up now, fists at her side, looking livid. "I'm sick and tired of the way you treat Severus! I believe he's on our side now, I believe he's ready to do some good and see how it's better than being a Death Eater, and I believe you should _shut up about it already and stop ACTING LIKE A PRAT!_"

Sirius opened his mouth and closed it several times, like a fish out of water, while Ermengarde raised her fists as though daring him to speak again. Remus, too, was equally shocked at this sudden outburst of emotion. Sirius and Ermengarde had always been very close. In fact, the only time she'd ever been near this angry with him was when he had sent Snape after Remus on one full moon in their sixth year…and then, it made sense. That's why Ermengarde was so defensive. She thought Sirius would try something else like that.

"Ermengarde, it's not going to happen again," said Remus, trying to get her to sit back down. "Sirius knows better than to do anything to sabotage the Order. He wouldn't do anything to Snape if he knew it would hurt our cause."

"_That's_ what this is about?" said Sirius in disbelief. "You think I'm going to sic Remus on him?"

Ermengarde sat down at last, head in her hands, breathing heavily.

"No," she said at last. "No, I don't think you would. I'm sorry, Sirius, for getting carried away. I just worry."

"No need," said Sirius. He seemed very relieved that she had stopped shouting and had lowered her fists. "I won't do anything stupid, I promise."

There was a very awkward silence, and then Remus gave Ermengarde a quick kiss and left her so he could go speak with Snape. He followed Sirius down the stairs to the kitchen.

"I'll give her this: she's fiery," said Sirius. Remus chuckled.

"She is," said Remus. "Look, you know she didn't have anything against you. I had just told her that she's to go to James and Lily's until this whole Greyback thing blows over."

"Ah," said Sirius. "Bad timing, me. Did you tell her about what he'd said to you?"

"No, I couldn't. I knew she'd get too upset and refuse to go. If she knew he was trying to target her…but I still have to wonder how he found out about her at all!"

"Who knows? We don't really know who exactly we can trust. Anyone can be a spy…but we just have to hope they're not," said Sirius, an odd note in his voice.

Snape was waiting in the kitchen, along with Aberforth Dumbledore, who gave off an air of extreme eccentricity. His beard, not quite as long as his brother's, was in a braid with a blue bow at the end and he wore a hat that looked more like a cloth robin's nest than anything.

"You wanted to see me, Severus?" said Remus pleasantly.

"Just a quick word about Greyback," sneered Snape. "He's in Inverness, not Germany. Where were you getting your information?"

"Apparently from the wrong source. Thanks very much for putting me right," said Remus in what he hoped was an easy-going tone.

Snape gave him a very calculating look and Remus knew he was checking for telltale signs of the approaching full moon. Remus looked him straight in the eye, refusing to let him see him look weak, and Snape turned on his heel and left in a cloud of black cloth.

"Werewolves are rather peculiar," said Aberforth. "Furry things, them."

Sirius looked as though he was holding back a laugh, but Remus nodded politely towards him.

"Very true," he agreed.

"Never met a werewolf I liked. Oh, but you, lad. You're all right. By the way, that friend of yours smells a bit like goats. Which reminds me, I brought this for you."

He pulled a small bottle from his coat and handed it to Remus, who peered at the orangey liquid with interest.

"Essence of goat," said Aberforth. "Charmed it right out of the little bugger. Smells a bit like that vampire what was here earlier –"

"He's not a vampire," said Remus, quick to squash that rumour. Tension though he had with Snape, he didn't want childhood gossip following the man into adulthood.

"Really? Could have fooled me…anyway, it's got a great effect on papers you don't want lying around. Dissolves them right away."

"Couldn't you just banish them, though?" said Sirius with about as much tact as an anvil.

"Could do, yeah…more fun my way, though. Well, I'm off. Great load for tomorrow," said Aberforth, adjusting his strange had. Remus thought for a second he heard something twitter inside it, but told himself he was hearing things.

Aberforth left the room as well, and as soon as the coast was clear, both Moony and Padfoot broke into peals of laughter.


	6. Chapter Five: The Three Worst Dispatches

_**Chapter Five: The Three Worst Dispatches**_

_February, 1981…Remus has made contact with Fenrir Greyback…_

"Don't forget it, you: Belgium! We've gone to Belgium! And if we hear you've told any differently, we'll pay a visit to headquarters and get that pretty girl you hide away there!"

Remus nodded, almost bowing, to Fenrir Greyback as he departed. Greyback had an agreement with Remus: Remus lies and tells the Order they're abroad and Greyback doesn't hurt them. Best of all, Remus was able to fulfil this. He had never told the Order the truth about where the werewolves were, but Snape was always able to correct him. By this method, Ermengarde remained safe, the Order stayed informed, and the werewolves were none the wiser. Remus did wonder, however, how Snape got his information, but then he had to resist the urge to smack himself in the forehead when he remembered.

_Yes, of course, how could you forget, Moony? _He said to himself. _Snape's still pretending to be in allegiance with Voldemort. Of course he would know._

The tall trees and silvery half-moon caused eerie, flickering shadows on Remus's body as he left the forest. The chill was biting and despite himself, he felt a flash of pity for his fellows who had to live outdoors in the winter.

As he reached the beginnings of civilization, he strode onto the sidewalk, hitching his collar up a bit to block the wind. It was still early in the night, so he could take the underground to his flat. He didn't really feel up to Apparating after that meeting with Greyback; it had left him terribly unnerved. Even though he knew Ermengarde was safe now that he'd moved her from headquarters to Lily and James's house, a tiny bit of him still wondered if Greyback would hesitate to kill another member of the Order.

He shivered, not from the cold, but at the thought of returning to headquarters to find a mass of dead Order members sporting the horrible werewolf scars, scars that would never heal, that would follow them to their graves…

_Shut up, Remus_, he commanded himself as he boarded the underground, sitting in the dirty plastic seat and trying not to make eye contact with any of the other passengers. He knew he was in a particularly seedy area of town.

"Oi, man, wos that on yer 'ead?" said a youth with a nose ring, pointing at Remus.

Remus wondered what he was talking about, then realised he must have been referring to the numerous scars Remus had sustained as a boy, when he bit and scratched himself during his full-moon outings (before, of course, the Marauders had taken to joining him).

"Car crash," said Remus, managing a sheepish grin as he tried to flatten his hair over them.

"Vile, man," said Nose Ring. "Fort for a second they'd be tattoos or somefink."

"Sadly, no, these were slightly more painful," said Remus.

"Damn," said Nose Ring in awe, then he went back to staring around the car.

The next month went about as smoothly as anyone could have hoped. Remus continued to feed the Order lies about the werewolves' whereabouts, only to be immediately corrected by Snape, who seemed to really be enjoying making the adjustments. Though this made Remus look very stupid and made Sirius look as though he wanted to punch both of them for confusing him, at least it gave Remus peace of mind. One night, however, James had managed to get away from the house long enough to join a meeting, and he cornered Remus.

"Seriously, Remus, you really buy these stories they're feeding you?" said James quietly as they started to clean up the kitchen.

"Well, it's the best information I can get," said Remus, hating that he had to lie.

"Look, mate…" James glanced around. Seeing that no one was listening, he continued. "I think I've figured out what you're doing."

"I'm not surprised. You were always bright," said Remus lightly.

"Stop being funny for a moment," said James, and Remus almost smiled as he realised how much he and his friend had switched places in the last two minutes. "Ermengarde's really depressed. I think you should come see her."

"I can't. You know I can't. If you've really figured out what I'm doing, you'll understand."

"I do know what you're doing. Lying to the Order for God knows why."

"I'm lying to save our skin! I know precisely where they are. I know because they're using me to feed the false information to the Order, and Snape knows because the Death Eaters still think he's one of them. But…look, I'm just trying to keep us all alive a little longer, all right?" said Remus, more defensively than he had planned.

"What else is it, Moony?" said James, staring at Remus with a concerned look in his eyes. Remus sighed.

"Fine. But not here, let's go outside."

The two friends left the kitchen (it was easy to slip away unnoticed, since everyone was now chatting loudly) and stepped onto the back steps of the house. The village of Hogsmeade was just barely visible in the moonlight, occasional lit windows causing twinkling squares of yellow light and Hogwarts Castle looming elegantly in the distance.

"Well?" James prompted.

Remus reached into his pocket and took out Greyback's latest dispatches. He had been receiving them regularly, and for some reason, had saved the last three. Without a word, he handed them to James and did not watch as he read them. Remus had memorized them…

**I'm in the far end of the forest in Inverness where we last met. Be there if you want your wife to remain as pretty as she is now.**

**-Fenrir Greyback**

**Tell them we're in Belgium or we'll find headquarters.**

**-Fenrir Greyback**

**Take a good look at that girl you stash at headquarters. She might not always look that sweet if you don't do just as we've instructed.**

**-Fenrir Greyback**

****James finished reading them and looked up, horrified. Remus nodded grimly and took the notes back, stuffing them into his pocket again.

"You told me it was just because you were being overprotective!" said James indignantly. "You never mentioned this! Why didn't you?"

"I don't know," said Remus. "I should have. But I let him get to me; I let him scare me. I see now it was a mistake, but…but at least he doesn't know I've moved Ermengarde."

"So, are you going to come see her, Remus?" said James.

"Is she really as sad as all that?" asked Remus.

"Well, of course she is, aren't you?"

"Terribly," said Remus. "I can't stand being away from her. But I can't think I'd be very good company at the moment."

"You're her bleeding fiancé! What better company could she want?"

Remus ran a hand over his face. "What has she been doing with herself?"

"Well, not much work lately. In fact, I don't think she's been in two weeks, if I'm counting correctly. She keeps calling in ill. She's taken to spending the morning in her room, reading, then spends the afternoon in the living room, and the evening back in her room. She hasn't even really smiled in ages. She hardly eats or sleeps from what I can deduce," said James gravely. "If she doesn't improve soon, she might be rejected from Auror training, and she's so close to qualifying."

Remus was somewhat startled by this. Ermengarde, his resilient, optimistic Ermengarde, wandering around the house like a lost soul?

"Look," said James softly. "Just come visit for a few days, right? Come see her. I think it would do her a world of good."

"It's just –" Remus began, but James cut him off.

"She's one of my best friends and I hate seeing her like this. Just come with me tonight and stay for a while. It'll do you good as well, and I know Lily would love to see you."

Remus hesitated, then agreed and went to gather a few things. In the foyer, James was waiting, grinning broadly. They both gathered a handful of Floo Powder, and before he knew it, Remus was spluttering ash out of his mouth in the living room of the Potter household in Godric's Hollow.


	7. Chapter Six: Godric's Hollow

_**Chapter Six: Godric's Hollow**_

_March, 1981…Remus arrives in Godric's Hollow…_

A screech scared Remus out of his wits, but before he could blink the soot from his eyes so as to find the source, he felt someone's hands on his upper arms, gripping tightly. He shook his head and his vision cleared, and standing before him was Ermengarde Switoviak.

"Remus!" she said hoarsely, staring at him as though sure he was a ghost. "You're here, you're really…but…I thought you wouldn't want to see me!"

Remus coughed, sure he'd swallowed a lot of soot, and smiled. "What are you talking about? Of course I want to see you."

"But you never wrote to me!" said Ermengarde, now sounding angry. "You never even tried to visit! It's been almost five months!"

"Here," came another voice quickly, and Remus saw Lily had just entered the room, looking ready to keep a row from occurring. "Let's sit and I'll make some tea or something."

Remus looked directly into Ermengarde's eyes, her astonishingly turquoise eyes, and held her gaze for a long moment. He then pulled her into the tightest hug he could, wishing so badly that things didn't have to be this way. He felt her start to cry into his shoulder as he squeezed his own eyes tight, not against tears, but just out of sheer relief of feeling her hug once more.

"I – I had the most – awful dream – last night," she said between gasps and hiccups.

"Sit down," said Remus, and they both sat on the couch. James quickly left the room to give them some privacy. "What happened?"

"Do you remember when we were in fifth year…it was just after I'd arrived…and I was up really early and someone slapped me?"

"Yes, of course I remember that. It was awful," said Remus.

"Well, that's how my dream started, with whoever it was hitting me. And then, just as you sat me into the armchair, you turned into something horrible," Ermengarde wept.

"What do you mean?" asked Remus apprehensively.

"You just…changed. You weren't _you _anymore. Your eyes looked red and your teeth were like fangs…and you were angry with me. You scratched me, and…oh, Remus! I'm so sorry! How could I ever think things like that?"

"Shh," said Remus as soothingly as he could manage, stroking her hair. "It was just a dream, a stupid dream. You must have dreamt of me when I transform. I have nightmares about it, for heaven's sake, so don't feel bad having one."

"N-no, you weren't transforming. It was _you_. But then as soon as I yelled your name, you shouted 'My name is Greyback!' and you attacked me, and then I woke up. It was just so terrifying…and here you are, and you're wonderful, and I can't believe how sick I am with myself for dreaming that!"

"Have some tea," said Lily, who had just appeared with a tray of tea and biscuits with James trailing slightly behind her. "Come on, Ermengarde, cheer up, love. You can't do this to yourself."

Ermengarde wiped her eyes and took the tea with a forced smile, sipping it slowly. Remus, too, took a cup and a few biscuits as well.

"James said you'll be staying for a few days? Maybe a week?" said Lily hopefully, eyeing Remus with a look that plainly said "_you'd better"_.

Remus nodded. "That's the plan."

"Are you going to tell me more about what you've been doing? I've grown all suspicious cooped up here without you," said Ermengarde, her voice suddenly stronger. Remus supposed the tea had helped. "My theories on your work are probably a lot more far-fetched than the truth."

"I've been working in close contact with werewolves. Not ones like me, of course. With Greyback and the likes, I mean. I've been acting as a sort of spy for us about them," said Remus.

"How close of contact do you mean?" asked Ermengarde, her eyes wide.

"Well, I got a rather bad scratch the other day," said Remus as lightly as he could.

Ermengarde gave a little gasp. "But – but that's so –"

"I know," said Remus.

"You shouldn't have to do that! There are other ways we can spy on them, why do we have to send you?"

"It's dangerous, I won't lie," said Remus. "But I'm fine. Blood is thicker than water."

"And skulls are thicker than that," said Lily. "I'm with Ermengarde. I wish you'd consider getting away from Greyback."

"And who would we send in my place?" said Remus. "If there are any werewolves in the Order I'm not aware of, I would gladly trade."

"Don't be funny," snapped Lily.

"I wasn't trying to be," said Remus truthfully. "I'm serious. I don't like it any more than you do."

"You know, you could have told me about that," said Ermengarde somewhat grumpily. "Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I do, but my thought was that if anything happened and they tried to get information out of you using Legilimency, they wouldn't be able to," said Remus.

"You _do _cover all angles, don't you?" said James, slightly in awe of his companion. "I'm impressed. I wouldn't have thought of that."

A cry from upstairs alerted Lily. "Back in a moment," she said. "Harry's awake."

She left, and as soon as her dark red hair had whipped out of sight, James snatched one of her biscuits.

"She'll notice," said Ermengarde.

"She won't," said James.

"She always does."

"Maybe this time she won't."

"You're not as lucky as you think you are."

Remus chuckled, forcibly reminded of those days when they would all sit together in the common room, cheerfully bickering about something or other. It was in this moment when he realised he couldn't love Ermengarde more. He reached over and took her hand. It had been months since he'd touched her hand, and he watched the firelight dancing off her ring for a few minutes, marvelling at how warm she was. He noticed James smiling at them in a proud sort of way.

"What?" said Ermengarde, finally cracking a smile.

"You two make me happy," said James simply. "It's nice."

Lily came back into the room, holding a bundle of blankets and black hair. James stood up and took his son from her arms as she sat back down, eyeing her plate.

"James, you took my biscuit," she said, pointing.

Ermengarde said nothing, but took a triumphant sip of tea. James grinned sheepishly while Harry let out a sort of "nana" sound.

"He's grown so much," said Remus, looking at Harry with a grin.

"Well, children tend to do that," said Lily. "You haven't seen him in months, of course, so I guess it's more surprising for you, isn't it?"

"A bit, yes," said Remus.

"He's cute, isn't he?" said James, bouncing the baby lightly on his knee. Harry smiled with delight.

"He's adorable," said Ermengarde.

"You know, when first I saw him, I expected him to look like you, Lily," said Remus musingly. "But now I can see he's got a lot of James in him. Especially that mop of hair."

James ran a hand through his own messy, jet-black hair and laughed.

"I think he might get my eyes, though," said Lily. "They're turning greener, have you seen?"

Leaning forward, Remus could indeed see that Harry's eyes, that had been bright blue when he was born, now held an emerald tint to them.

"I couldn't care less who he looks like, as long as he can play Quidditch," said James.

"He will," said Ermengarde matter-of-factly. Everyone looked at her.

"I swear, Ermengarde," said Lily, shaking her head and laughing a bit. "If I didn't believe you, I wouldn't believe you."

"Statement of the century, Lily, brilliant. Well done," said James. Lily gave him a playful smack upside the head.

"You know what I mean," said Lily.

"Well, he will," said Ermengarde again. "And he's cracking good at it, too."

James shook his head this time, but it was a very different shake than his wife had given. Remus knew that James had never totally believed Ermengarde's story about being transported back in time twenty years, even though she knew an alarming amount about their lives, both present and future. Remus _did _believe her, though occasionally forgot about it, and it was moments like these that reminded him where his fiancée had come from. Lily, too, had accepted Ermengarde's story without question when she heard it two years ago. Remus wished James would believe her, but knew there was no way to totally convince him.

A rapping noise made all of them jump, and Remus saw what it was first. Right in his line of vision stood the front door, and through the small window, he could just make out a person peering in. He leapt up, wand out, and headed straight for the door, Ermengarde at his heels. As he reached the door, the face became slightly clearer, though the window still caused something of a distortion…

"Aberforth?" said Remus in disbelief, opening the door but keeping his wand at the ready.

"The one and only," said Aberforth cheerfully. He stepped inside and tipped his nest-like hat to Ermengarde. "Milady."

Ermengarde raised an eyebrow to Remus, but gave a sort of curtsy back. Remus poked his head out the door and glanced around before closing it to be sure they were alone. Aberforth sighed as though suddenly weary and patted his stomach.

"Everything all right, Aberforth?" asked Ermengarde.

"Well, now that you mention it, I am a bit unnerved," said Aberforth.

"Why don't you come in and sit down?" said Remus.

Aberforth followed them to the living room, where he took a seat and sighed deeply, then looked up and jumped at the sight of Harry.

"Tiny thing, him!" he said in surprise.

"Yes, he's our son, Harry," said Lily.

"They're getting smaller every day," said Aberforth. "I've seen the runts they send to my brother's school and they are _small_. I'm head and shoulders over them. But my height's not very interesting. How are you?"

Lily and James exchanged a look that Ermengarde seemed to be fighting not to join in, since she seemed to be having trouble keeping her face straight.

"We're doing quite well," said James. "What's troubling you?"

"Troubling me?" said Aberforth, confused. "Oh, yes, right, the trouble. Well, you're in the biggest. I haven't the foggiest why they sent me over to tell you this and not Albus or someone who knows what the blazes they're talking about…but from what I understand, You-Know-Who's gone and said he's going to kill you."

Lily and James exchanged another look.

"Yes, well, no offence, Aberforth, but we know he's not exactly fond of us…" said James.

"No, no, you misunderstand me. He wants to kill _you_," said Aberforth, as though that made everything make sense.

"Oh, yes, I see now. Thank you for clearing that up, Aberforth, you'd had me confused," said Lily without a trace of sarcasm. "So…what should we do about it?"

But Aberforth wasn't really listening. He had discovered the biscuits and was now breaking one apart, popping the separate pieces into his mouth while looking thoughtfully into the fire.

"Aberforth?" said Ermengarde gently.

Aberforth snapped to his senses and tilted his hat to her once more, and this time Remus was sure he was not imagining it: there was definitely a chirping noise issuing from it.

"Sorry, love," he said heavily. "All this business…well, I'm sure you'll think of something, you're clever ones. But now I've got to go, there's another order for essence of goat to fill…"

And with that, Aberforth stood up, cracked his neck, and Apparated away with an odd double-pop noise. The silence that followed was one filled partially with amusement, partially with bewilderment, and partially with utter terror. Aberforth certainly knew how to unnerve someone in a friendly way.


	8. Chapter Seven: The Moonlit Howl

**_Author's Note: _**Don't be too thrown off by how this chapter skips back further in time in the future (I hope that made sense). In other words, this takes place _before _the second Order of the Phoenix sent Remus after the werewolves. Therefore, it's before the "Christmas at the Burrow" chapter...it's right after they saw Harry off to the Dursleys' house. Hope I haven't confused you too much.

_**Chapter Seven: The Moonlit Howl**_

_July, 1996…the flat of Nymphadora Tonks…_

Remus rolled over and opened his eyes wearily. A dog's bark had awakened him, and he realised how thirsty he was as he came to his senses. He padded his way into the kitchen, being as quiet as possible, and poured himself a glass of water. The kitchen door, which led to a small porch, was cracked open slightly.

Tonight, as for the past week, Remus had taken refuge at Tonks's flat, sleeping on her couch and hiding out there. It had been very sweet of her to offer him her hospitality, and he had taken advantage of it since, now that they had no idea whether or not Grimmauld Place was now safe and he had nowhere else to go. The whole week had been generally the same: waking up early, eating breakfast together, saying goodbye until dinnertime, when Tonks would come back from work as cheerful as ever, and then avoiding talking about the one topic that had been looming on their minds since the events at the Ministry of Magic.

Curiosity getting the better of him, Remus tiptoed towards the kitchen door and stepped outside. Tonks was there, leaning on her railing and sipping her own glass of water. Her bright pink hair was apparent even in the pitch-black of night.

"Wotcher, Remus," she said without turning around. "Did I wake you up?"

"No," said Remus, joining her in leaning on the railing. "It was that dog down there, he's driving me mad."

"Oh, me as well. I've taken to wearing earplugs to sleep half the time," said Tonks.

"That explains why you never hear your alarm."

"Oh, shut up."

They grinned at each other and took simultaneous sips of their water. Tonks let out a little sigh.

"Pretty, isn't it? The stars, I mean," she said.

"Very," said Remus.

"Sometimes I'll come out here and just look at them for hours, and then I remember it's about three hours till I have to go to work and I go back to sleep," said Tonks.

The dog in the distance let out a long, wailing howl that sent chills up Remus's spine. Tonks was staring in the direction of the sound, unable to actually see the creature, with something like pity.

"Awful sound," she commented, and Remus nodded.

"I know that sound a little too well," he said solemnly.

A long silence passed between them. Tonks adjusted the string on her pyjama pants and sat in one of the chairs she kept on the balcony, lounging comfortably and staring up at the sky. Remus joined her in sitting, but looked at his glass of water rather than the stars.

"How're you, Remus?" asked Tonks in an uncharacteristically serious way.

"I'm fine," said Remus.

"No, you're not," said Tonks. "Neither am I, come to that. But, I mean…he was your mate…"

"I don't want to – I mean, I really _can't _talk about Sirius," said Remus. "It's too soon just yet."

"Sorry," Tonks mumbled.

"Don't be. Look, if you need to talk, I'm here. I'll listen," said Remus.

"No, if you're not ready to…it's okay. But –"

Tonks broke off, then closed her mouth as though rethinking what she was about to say. Remus knew whatever it was had to be important.

"Go on," he prompted.

For some reason, Tonks looked a little shy. She started swirling the ice in her glass around absentmindedly, biting her lip.

"Well," she said, a little breathlessly. "Am I being totally stupid?"

"About what?"

Tonks's eyes went very wide and she stared at him with a new humiliation.

"Oh, dear gods, you don't know…"

Remus felt utterly perplexed and leaned forward, looking Tonks right in the eye.

"What's going on, Tonks?" he asked, concerned.

"I just thought you'd figured it out by now. I've got a mad, raging crush on you."

She said it in such a straightforward way that for a moment, Remus felt sure she was joking. After all, what could make someone as buoyant and bright as Tonks fancy someone as serious and…well, _old_…as Remus? But upon further inspection of the expression on her face, Remus found no trace of mockery.

"You're serious?" he whispered, trying to take this in.

Tonks nodded, seeing terribly embarrassed and somewhat ashamed at having admitted it, and went back to swirling her ice around, then took a sip and crunched on the ice quietly.

"Well…Tonks, I – I'm very flattered, but…"

"Oh, no," said Tonks, burying her face in her hands and letting out a nervous laugh. "I've terrified you now, haven't I? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything…"

"No, I'm glad you did," said Remus.

"But?" said Tonks, looking warily at Remus.

"But…but I don't see how I could possibly be any good for you," said Remus. "I mean, you're so vibrant and fun and happy, and we all know what a bummer I can be."

Tonks let out a snort that made Remus jump slightly.

"_Bummer_?" she repeated, grinning. "Can't say I ever imagined you using that word…"

"Yes, well," said Remus with a sheepish smile. "At any rate, I'm so much older than you, and it's not as though I have any money."

"Yeah, but I don't care about that," said Tonks, waving an indifferent hand. "It's _you _I like, that other stuff doesn't matter."

"Well, there's also the issue of my being dangerous," said Remus.

"Oh, please, you're not dangerous," said Tonks. "You're the gentlest person I know."

"You know what I mean," said Remus quietly, and Tonks's face fell.

"I do," said Tonks. "But I mean it, I don't care."

"I don't think you really understand what it would mean if we were together. Your life would be one of next to no money, of being looked down upon for being the one who dates the werewolf –"

"You forget I'm a nasty half-bred blood traitor. Disdain is familiar territory," Tonks interrupted.

"But you deserve so much better, Tonks, you really do."

Tonks heaved a great sigh and leaned back in her chair.

"If you don't like me, Remus, that's all you have to say. Don't worry about taking the noble way out, because honestly, that would be worse," said Tonks, and to Remus's surprise, there was not a trace of malice in her voice. Instead, she sounded completely calm and collected.

Remus found he couldn't answer right away. All this had been brought on very quickly, and he was still slightly shaken from the manner in which it had been addressed. He _did _like Tonks, but he had never for a moment considered the two of them as more than close friends and confidantes. But still, a tiny, nagging voice in the back of his head spoke…

_You can't say you never noticed she's pretty_, it said. _Or how she brightens your day so much. _

It was true, of course. He was happiest around her, and she was one of the few constants in his life. In fact, apart from his monthly nightmarish evening and the knowing that the next time he saw Molly Weasley would bring lots of fussing and motherly care, Tonks remained the only other thing he could truly count on. She _always_ had something to say to cheer him up, she _always _had something mad done to her hair, she _always _found ways to trip over perfectly immobile objects…

"Tonks, I can't possibly…" he began, then cleared his throat. "It's nothing to do with you, I mean it. It's just…"

"What?" said Tonks softly. Her voice had turned to true concern.

_How can I say this without making myself sound strange? _He thought to himself, his mind working frantically. _I can't _not _tell her, it's too important…and yet, if I do, what will she think of me?_

As he battled with his thoughts, Tonks had suddenly reached forward and clasped his hand. She met his gaze with dark eyes full of worry.

"Talk to me," she said.

"You just remind me so much of…of someone I once knew," he said, his voice a strangled whisper.

"Who? Please don't say your mum, or some mad professor or something," said Tonks, now looking anxious, though with a smile playing at her mouth.

"No, no," said Remus with the tiniest of chuckles.

"A girlfriend?" asked Tonks.

Remus sighed. "A fiancée."

Tonks's eyes went wide once more, but with disbelief and surprise rather than embarrassment.

"You were engaged once?" she said. "I never knew! To who? Is that who I remind you of?"

"You do, a bit," said Remus.

"Well, no wonder I scared the living daylights out of you by admitting I like you!" said Tonks with a laugh. "Whatever happened to her?"

But at the look on Remus's face, Tonks fell silent immediately.

"Voldemort?" she said in a small voice.

"Not exactly," said Remus.

"Well, then, what?"

And at that moment, Remus knew he had to tell the story of how he lost Ermengarde Switoviak.


	9. Chapter Eight: Snow Wing Takes Flight

**_Chapter Eight: Snow Wing Takes Flight_**

_April, 1981…Remus is back at headquarters, asleep…_

A sudden rapping on the window jerked Remus out of a very sound sleep. He had barely moved when the knock sounded again.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," said Remus grumpily to the owl who was beating hard at his window. "Keep your feathers on."

Remus let the owl in, took the letter from its beak, and before he could so much as give it a pat on the head, it had taken off through the open window. The letter was only one page long and was not in an envelope, but had been folded over and sealed with a wax stamp anyway. He slit open the note and saw a dispatch that was so hastily and shakily written that if he had not recognized the pattern on the seal, he would not have known who had sent it.

_Dear Remus,_

_There's been an accident. Ermengarde has been injured terribly. We can't take her into hospital, it's too risky. Dumbledore's seen her and says there's not much more we can do for her than a Healer could, at any rate, and she's probably more comfortable here than in some hospital. You should probably come here as soon as possible, though, just to see her in case there are any complications and we _do _have to take her into St. Mungo's after all._

_Sincerely,_

_Lily_

Remus read Lily's letter at least eight times before it really sunk in. Then, all in one motion, he pocketed the letter, gathered up his coat and hat, and bolted out the door.

"Remus!"

Lily had just opened the door and looked shocked to see Remus there already. He was sure that his appearance was another reason she looked so taken aback. His face was paler than usual and his greying hair was very windswept from sprinting up the garden path. Lily stepped aside and let him inside, then took his coat and hat.

"Where is she?" said Remus without ado.

"She's in our room, asleep, but I'm sure she'd be glad to wake up to see you."

James was now entering the foyer, looking surprised and relieved to see his friend. He held out his hand and Remus shook it.

"Thank God you're here," said James. "So our letter got to you okay?"

"Yeah, I got it straight away," said Remus. "So, can I see her?"

"Yeah, sure."

James and Lily went upstairs with Remus, all three being careful to tiptoe.

"So…so how is she, really? Your letter was so vague," said Remus.

Lily gave James a significant look, then spoke in a whisper so soft Remus had to lean forward to hear a word.

"She's not well, Remus. Not at all well. Like Dumbledore said, a hospital's not an option. They couldn't do any more for her than we have and she wouldn't have privacy there. At least here, she's with friends all the time. But you should know, she's very different from when you last saw her."

"Different how?"

"Just…she's weak. When you talk to her, be patient. She's speaking very hoarsely and slowly, and she's not always able to focus her eyes. She's lucid, though, so no worries there. She'll know who you are and what you're saying. But she's very ill, so just be gentle."

"Of course I will be," said Remus, now feeling very apprehensive about seeing Ermengarde. "But what exactly _happened_?"

James and Lily looked at each other once more, then Lily spoke more nervously than Remus ever remembered.

"Remus, she – she was attacked by a werewolf."

Remus felt the colour drain from his face, as though it were water draining from a sink. James had put an arm around him to prevent him swaying.

"She what? She _what_?" said Remus wildly.

"It was the full moon and she was on night duty, and…" said James, trailing off. "She was bitten in the leg and scratched very badly, but then Lily heard her yell and came running and fought him off. We brought her inside and tried to care for her, but there was nothing left to do."

"Who was it?" asked Remus.

"I don't know," said Lily. "I did the Homorphus on him – that got him out of werewolf form pretty quickly – and he got away before I could do any more."

"This is my fault," said Remus at once. "I shouldn't have insisted she stay here. Why didn't I see it? He must have seen me when I was here last month, he must have –"

"Stop it, Remus," said James firmly. "This isn't anyone's fault, least of all yours. All you've ever done is try to protect her."

"And well done me," said Remus. "Well…I want to see her."

"Of course, of course, she's in here," said Lily.

Lily started to open the door, but James stopped her and turned to Remus, leaned his head close to his, and spoke very softly.

"Look, mate," he whispered. "Anything you've got to tell her, that you want her to know – be sure you say it, right?"

"Right," said Remus.

"Okay, are you ready?" asked Lily, hand on the doorknob.

"Yes, yes, I'm ready. Let me in," said Remus, running a hand over his face apprehensively.

Lily opened the door carefully and let Remus in, closing the door behind him. Remus walked slowly to Ermengarde's bed, not waking her just yet. For a moment, he took in the sight before him. Ermengarde's face looked much thinner and chalk-white than he had ever seen. She had dark circles under her eyes. Her hair, though carefully braided by Lily, was unclean and somewhat frizzier than usual. Remus reached out a hand and stroked her cheek softly, and Ermengarde's eyes fluttered open.

"Remus," she said in a throaty, slightly slurred voice. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you, of course," said Remus, smiling. He found he was unable to speak much louder than a whisper. "How are you feeling?"

"Better than before."

"Good, that's good. Listen, Ermengarde…is there anything I can do for you?"

"No."

The way Ermengarde said "no" was so final, so terrible, that Remus would have rather she hadn't answered him at all. He sat down in the chair next to her bed and kept on stroking her cheek for a moment, then moved to her hair. She closed her eyes and cleared her throat harshly.

"Listen, Remus," she started to say, but coughed a few times before being able to continue. "I want you to promise me that you won't let this get in your way. You must keep fighting."

"Of course I'll fight."

"No, I mean after I…well, just…keep fighting."

"You'll be fine," Remus said a little too forcefully. "You'll be okay."

"No, Remus, I won't," said Ermengarde, just as firmly.

"You will."

"I'm not going to survive this, I know it. I've accepted it. I need you to do the same, and to promise that you won't let it keep you from fighting. It's for the greater good, you know."

"The only good I'm concerned about is yours," said Remus.

"Remus, please," said Ermengarde, and she moved her petite hand up to Remus's and held it as tightly as she could manage.

He saw on her hand the raised, rough scars, black and grey and horrible. Remus felt his eyes burning, but made sure he wouldn't let Ermengarde see him upset.

"We both knew the risks," said Ermengarde. "We both knew what we were getting ourselves into."

"I should have insisted you stay with me. Then you'd have been at mine, not here…you'd have been safe."

"I wasn't attacked in the house, I was on guard. You know that perfectly well. If I'd been on guard at your flat, it could just as easily have happened there."

They were silent for a few moments. Ermengarde's eyes suddenly closed sleepily.

"Ermengarde?" said Remus warily. "Ermengarde!"

Her eyes snapped open.

"Sorry," she muttered.

"No, it's okay, I just worried."

Ermengarde smiled at him sadly.

"You're going to do such great things," she said. "I know this. You're going to be a teacher and a hero to so many. I'll be so proud."

"Please, Ermengarde, don't talk like this…"

"And so many will love you. And who knows? Maybe some lovely woman will come along."

"No, I couldn't love anyone but you," said Remus resolutely.

"But just in case, I give my blessing ahead of time," said Ermengarde as though she hadn't heard him.

"And anyway, you're going to be all right. You will," Remus insisted.

"No, Remus, I'm not going to make it. I'm sorry."

"How can you just lie there and act so fine with this all?" asked Remus, fighting harder than ever to keep his tone even.

"I'm not fine with it. You think I like knowing I won't last much longer? I have no time left. This is it. I feel it. I don't like it any more than you, but I've accepted that I've done my part in life. Now you have to move on and do yours."

"I shouldn't have waited to marry you," said Remus. "We should have got married straight away."

"Would it have made a difference?" asked Ermengarde. Remus didn't respond.

Ermengarde started coughing once more and tried to pull herself into a sitting position. When her coughs became more violent, Remus moved to her bed, helped her sit up, and thumped her gently on the back. Her coughs subsided and she slumped against Remus with a bit of a whimper. Remus held her close and listened as she took deep, shuddering breaths. Remus remembered what James had said about telling Ermengarde anything he wanted her to know.

"Ermengarde, I just wanted to tell you…you know how much I love you, don't you?"

Ermengarde did not respond, but her breathing was slow and even.

"And – and a few months ago, when I sent you to stay here, it was because I wanted you safe more than anything. It wasn't anything to do with my feelings for you. You do know that, right, Ermengarde? I just thought it was best for you. Obviously, I was mistaken, but…please, you have to understand."

Ermengarde made no indication that she'd heard, but Remus felt her nestling in to his hold, her head nodding slightly for a moment, then settling against his chest.

"Look, I…look, it's just that it's been hard being without you for so long, you understand? I know it's been hard on you as well. I wish so much I could have been there when this happened to you…I could have stopped it, I just know it. I wish I'd never had to go off, but you know, what with Lily and James and Harry. I love you and I didn't want to leave, but you know I just wanted to do good and protect everyone, especially you…"

Remus trailed off, recognising he was rambling. He hugged Ermengarde tighter and tried to calm his nerves. He gave her a kiss on the forehead and released his grip to be able to look her in the eye. As he did, he noticed her head was hanging limply.

"Ermengarde?" he whispered, hardly daring to speak at all.

He lifted her chin, but she did not open her eyes.

"Ermengarde. Snow Wing…Ermengarde, come on!"

He shook her, first carefully, then more forcefully as he realised she was still not waking.

"Someone help!" Remus shouted at the door. Moments later, Lily and James had burst in.

"What is it, Remus?" James asked.

"Something's happened!"

Remus could barely think straight. His heart was pounding and he could feel the blood rushing in his head. He knew his hands were shaking, but he made no effort to steady them. James went over to Ermengarde and prised her away from Remus. When Remus kept trying to get back to Ermengarde's side, Lily pulled him away and into the hall. She put her hands right on his shoulders and looked him straight in the eye.

"Remus, you've got to calm down for your own sake," she said. "There's nothing you can do."

"She's – she just…."

"There's nothing you can do," Lily repeated.

"No, no, no, that's not fair," said Remus, feeling totally dazed.

"Shh," said Lily, taking Remus into a hug that he fought and got away from. "It'll be all right."

"How can it?" Remus asked Lily. "She didn't hear what I had to say…she couldn't hear me tell her anything…she was gone before I'd finished…"

"You don't know that. I'll bet she heard everything," said Lily soothingly.

James came out of the room, closed the door, and shook his head. Lily grabbed hold of Remus once more to prevent him running back to Ermengarde and James helped her lead him downstairs, Remus cursing himself all the way.


	10. Chapter Nine: A Great Strength

_**Chapter Nine: A Great Strength**_

_April, 1981…Five days after Ermengarde's death…_

Remus did not get out of bed for the next four days. James had left the house the day after Ermengarde died to do some work for the Order and did not return. For the most part, Lily had left Remus alone, only entering the guest bedroom to occasionally bring tea and leave it on his bedside table. Remus took a few sips, but never tasted it. He felt as though his insides had frozen. He slept through the nights and most of the days, alternating between silent, dreamless sleep and terrible nightmares.

On the fifth day of avoiding human contact, Remus had the covers pulled over his head and was lying there with his eyes shut, awake. He heard Lily come in, but instead of the familiar clink of a mug on the bedside table, he felt the bed sink as she sat near his feet on it. He shifted the blanket to look at her.

"I've made shepherd's pie," she said simply. She was not smiling, and Remus was glad for it. "And there's a strawberry cobbler for pudding. And I found a bottle of some really wonderful wine that I'd forgotten James had bought."

"I'm not hungry," said Remus, moving his legs so she had more room to sit.

"I know," said Lily. "I'm just telling you what I did today."

Lily took advantage of the extra sitting space and swung her feet onto the bed to sit cross-legged. She was quiet for a moment, then she spoke again, very gently.

"You've got to get out of bed," she said. "You can't keep doing this. It's been five days…you'll make yourself ill like this."

"I don't care," said Remus truthfully, and he hitched the sheets up a bit closer to his chin.

"I know you don't, but Ermengarde would."

The fact that Lily had mentioned Ermengarde out loud did not surprise Remus, but it did fill him with an overwhelming desire to strike her for doing so.

"Please don't give me that look, Remus, someone had to say it," said Lily, looking at him firmly. "Seriously, do you think she'd want to see you doing this to yourself?"

"_She'd_ understand," said Remus, somewhat nastily.

Lily didn't seem to notice. Instead, she smoothed a wrinkle on the sheets near her feet and took a deep breath.

"She'd understand, I'm sure, but she wouldn't like it," she said. "You know full well she'd be the first to try and drag you out of bed if it had been anyone else who had…well. You know what I'm trying to say."

"No, I don't."

Remus knew he was being horribly rude, that he was acting like the worst possible version of himself and hated himself for it, but at that moment, he could not have cared less.

"I can't imagine what you're going though," said Lily. "I can't imagine how I'd feel if it were James who…or Harry…and I wish there was some way I could help you, really help you. But I know you're going to have to figure it out on your own, if I know you at all."

"Look, I just don't want to think about it right now," said Remus, adjusting his pillow and rolling onto his side.

Rather than being put off by this, Lily crawled over to the other side of the bed and sat, still cross-legged, leaning against the pillows unused by Remus.

"Have you thought about anything else?" she asked.

"No," Remus admitted, and he shifted so he could see her more clearly.

"Anything at all you want to talk about?"

"I think if I do, I'll cry."

"Nothing wrong with that," said Lily softly.

"It's strange, though, because part of me is screaming and begging to cry, to let it all out, and the other part insists that there's no reason to, because no one's dead and nothing bad happened at all," said Remus all in one breath, which was difficult because his breathing was becoming slightly restricted.

"That makes sense. Seriously. I felt the same way when my grandfather died. I was fourteen and it was really sudden, and I didn't really start accepting it until almost a year later," said Lily. "And it was the same with my mum and dad. It's just a matter of letting yourself feel what you're feeling and not suppressing it, because that's the most damaging thing you could possibly do."

Remus's airway felt even more constrained, but felt determined to stay in control. Lily was regarding him with a mixture of compassion and sadness – and then, for the first time, it occurred to him that he was not the only one mourning Ermengarde's death. She and Lily had been close friends as well. Remus sat up and let the covers fall to his lap.

"It's not weakness, you know," Lily continued. "In fact, I think it's a strength, to be able to mourn and feel sadness. Otherwise, what's the point of the rest of life? How would you ever know you were happy if you'd never felt pain?"

"But I don't _want _to feel this way," said Remus in a strained voice.

"Neither do I," said Lily. "And I hate seeing you going through this, I honestly do, but if you don't come to terms with it soon, it's going to really damage you."

Remus didn't answer. He was too busy fighting against the burning feeling in his lungs and throat.

"Just let it out," Lily whispered. "And no one else will ever have to know about it. You can't stay in control all the time, Remus. You have to allow yourself moments to _feel_, really feel. I'm here if you need me."

It was too much. Remus hung his head and felt his chest begin to heave and convulse with underdeveloped sobs that gradually grew larger, mounting until he was wailing with desolation, too weakened by grief to fight the hold Lily now had him in. She held him close, protectively, rubbing his back and humming a soft tune, like a lullaby. How long they stayed that way, Remus did not know nor care. All he knew was that he wanted to suddenly wake up and find that it was all a terrible dream, or that Lily's song would somehow bring Ermengarde back to life, or that he could find whoever took her away from him and bring them to justice…

After a very long time, Remus's tears subsided and left him, and when Lily released him, it was obvious she had cried as well. He wished he could think of something comforting to say, but nothing came to mind. He wished he could thank her for being so caring, but his voice seemed to have dissolved in his throat. All he knew was that Lily Potter was the only person he would ever allow to see him in such a state, and he climbed out of bed to join her for some dinner.


	11. Chapter Ten: Intellectuals

_**Chapter Ten: Intellectuals**_

_July, 1996…Remus is at Tonks's flat…_

Silence followed Remus's retelling of the story, and Tonks stared at him in horror. Remus felt slightly dizzy from having had to relive every last detail of Ermengarde's death, and to soothe himself, took a deep gulp of his water, which he promptly splashed down his front.

"Blimey, Remus, I never knew," said Tonks in a hushed voice quite unlike her usual cheerful tones.

"Not many people do. I don't talk about it much," said Remus. "Actually, the only one I'd ever really talked about Ermengarde with was Sirius, and…"

Remus left his sentence hanging in the air, since both of them knew perfectly well how it would end.

"Look, I can see is Kingsley's got room at his place. You don't have to stay here if it's too –"

"I'll be fine," said Remus. "If it's all right, I'd like to stay here, at least for a couple more days. Kingsley's hosting a few Ministry people now."

"Right," said Tonks. "I'd forgotten. Well…well, 'night."

Tonks awkwardly made her way back inside. Remus quickly followed her and stopped her before she'd left the kitchen. He wasn't quite sure what to say, but Tonks took care of that.

"Quit it," she said firmly. "You think too much. Loosen up."

"Good advice," said Remus with a chuckle.

"Seriously. You intellectuals," said Tonks with a mock scoff.

Remus laughed right aloud and Tonks took him into a hug. As she patted his back, he rested his head on her shoulder, feeling himself become relaxed and comforted.

"Thank you," he said as they held each other.

"Anytime," said Tonks.

"No, I mean it," said Remus. "You're very sweet."

And Remus moved his head to kiss Tonks on the cheek, an action he had not intended as anything but a friendly gesture. However, Tonks moved her head at that instant, and it was only by chance that their lips did not make contact. Tonks quickly took care of that too, which seemed to surprise her as much as it had Remus.

"Bloody hell, I've got no self-control at all!" Tonks burst out with, burying her face in her hands. "I'll bet Molly'd be glad to take you in and fatten you up…you could probably go right now, in fact –"

Remus placed a hand on each of Tonks's shoulders and looked her right in the eye.

"Go to sleep, Tonks. When you wake up, I'll still be here, and I'll be here when you get home from work, all right?"

Tonks simply nodded as Remus gave her shoulders an extra squeeze before she went into her bedroom. As he settled himself on the couch, his mind swam with the night's events. He couldn't help admitting that he had been awakened inside in some way by Tonks's affections, but he was hard pressed for a solution. Yes, he cared for her, and deeply, but there was the matter of age. He was almost thirteen years her senior. Not to mention the fact that he had no money and no job. There he was, holing up in friends' flats, depending on their generosity and hospitality in order to keep from being on the streets.

"Shut up, Remus," he told himself in a whisper before dropping off to sleep at last.

"Toast?"

Remus made his way slowly to consciousness as the smell of slightly overcooked toast and jam reached his nostrils. Tonks was sitting on the couch at his feet, brandishing a plate of toast at him and wearing a most Molly-like expression on her face.

"Thank you very much," said Remus, taking the plate.

"Molly's right. Now I get a look at you, you're a stick," said Tonks. "Eat up."

Tonks went about the flat, gathering the things she would need for the day and making sure her hair was pink enough. Remus finished his toast and put the dish in the sink. As he washed it, Tonks came up behind him.

"Everything okay?" she asked.

"Of course, I'm fine," said Remus. "A few more days until the full moon yet."

"No, I mean…are we okay?"

"Yes," said Remus. He stopped washing the dish in order to turn and face Tonks. "We are absolutely fine."

"So…so I should just stop being a silly girl, I guess," said Tonks with an obviously forced laugh at herself.

"No, I was thinking last night…maybe…"

Remus had no idea what he was saying. It was as though his brain had taken over his mouth and he had no way of controlling it.

"Maybe what?" said Tonks.

"Look," said Remus. "I…I care for you, Tonks. I really do. I…I feel the same way for you as you do for me."

Tonks's face lit up immediately and before Remus could say any more, she had flung her arms around his neck.

"Molly was right! She really does know everything! I mean, I'd always had an inkling she knew more than she let on, but this is tremendous!"

"Wait, Tonks, listen," said Remus. "I don't think it's a good idea for us to start anything."

"But –"

"Hear me out," said Remus gently. "Any man would be very fortunate if they could say they were the one you loved, but…"

"But you don't want it to be you because you're too noble?" said Tonks, with a slightly bitter tone.

"Well, that's not what I was going to say."

"No, I know what you'll say. It'll start with 'I'm too old', then go to 'I'd probably rip your throat out some unfortunate night', and end with 'And anyway, I've no money'. Am I right?" said Tonks, this time not sounding bitter, but with a small half-smile playing around her mouth.

"You've got to take me seriously right now, Tonks. I couldn't possibly allow anyone else I care for so much to be put into such danger again. I can't allow what happened to Ermengarde to happen to you."

"Yeah, but that wasn't you who did it, it was a mad raving lunatic who enjoys killing people. That's not you."

"Yes, but it's sort of a package deal. I am a werewolf, and –"

"And I could care less about that. You're safe with that potion and all."

"Please, listen to me. I just can't. I can't let you be hurt like that, I just couldn't bear it. I still can't bear what happened all those years ago, and if it happened again, and especially to you…" Remus trailed off, and Tonks seemed to get the message.

"Right," she said quietly. "Okay. Fine."

Silently, she gathered the rest of her things and threw a pinch of Floo Powder into the fireplace. The emerald flames rose sharply.

"I'll see you tonight," said Tonks simply, and with a shout of "Ministry of Magic!" she was off in a whirl of flames and soot.


	12. Chapter Eleven: Andromeda and Nymphadora

_**Chapter Eleven: Andromeda and Nymphadora**_

_October, 1981…Harry Potter becomes The Boy Who Lived…_

** Remus awoke with a gasp, as suddenly as if he'd suffered an electric shock, to the sound of frantic pounding at his door. Panting slightly, he pulled on a shirt and went to greet the visitor who persisted in attempting to break down his door. When he opened it, he was somewhat surprised to see Andromeda Tonks, who he'd only met in passing once and whom he knew was related to Sirius in one way or another – possibly a cousin – accompanied by a small girl. The little girl's face was pale and her dark eyes were wide and sleepy. **

** "Andromeda, come in," said Remus. "Can I help you?"**

** Andromeda did not answer, but tugged her daughter along with her inside Remus's flat. She looked as though she were about to speak, then lost the ability. Remus ushered the two of them over to his threadbare sofa and, noticing the girl give a wide yawn, he handed her his blanket, helped tuck her in, and watched as she curled up with her head on the armrest, falling asleep quickly. Andromeda seemed very distraught about something.**

** "Remus, it's...I'm so sorry to be the one to tell you all this, Emmeline was going to, but she got called away last second, something for Moody...I feel awful, it really shouldn't be me at all, but as everyone else is occupied with...well. Anyway...God, I don't know where to begin..." **

** "Take a deep breath and calm yourself, then start over," said Remus. "Just start at the beginning, I suppose..."**

** "It's...he..." Andromeda simply did not have the words.**

** "Is it Dumbledore?" asked Remus at once, assuming the worst and hoping he was wrong.**

** "No, it's not Dumbledore, no, he's fine, he's got him."**

** Remus neither knew nor cared who "him" was, he was so relieved that Dumbledore was all right. **

** "Did someone die?" he asked, trying not to be too blunt but wishing she could just spit it out before his heart exploded from hammering.**

** "Yes, yes, they did, oh God...Remus...it's the Potters."**

** Silence followed these words. Remus's heart had given a nasty jolt and he felt momentarily dizzy and weak. The Potters? Lily? James? Harry? There surely was a mistake, there had to be...there was no way...it had to be an extremely sick joke, a terrible dream, even a hallucination. But Andromeda's eyes held no lie in them.**

** "How?" asked Remus huskily. "How could they...how?"**

** "Voldemort found them in Godric's Hollow." Andromeda seemed to be fighting to keep her voice from shaking. **

** "Even the baby? What would he want to kill a little child for?" **

** "You'll never believe it," said Andromeda.**

** "I'll believe it if you say it's true," said Remus, feeling the little girl stir next to him. Andromeda popped up from the couch and started pacing.**

** "Voldemort couldn't kill Harry. He tried, believe me...he killed James and Lily straight away, but something broke him when he turned his wand on Harry. Search me as to what it was, I haven't the foggiest, but when he tried to kill him, it rebounded or something...I don't know all the details, I've only just found out and came here right away. I just grabbed Nymphadora and came here to tell you after Emmeline was called away. It all came so fast, all the information, I've got it in bits and pieces...putting it all together is so hard...I feel like I'm going mad," said Andromeda, and seeming to realize she was babbling, she fell silent.**

** The child turned over so she was facing the back of the sofa, and Remus reached over and adjusted the blanket so it covered her more fully. **

** "Have you spoken with Sirius yet? I'm sure he must know by now, and I know you haven't really seen him in a while, he said something to that effect anyway, but have you?" asked Remus concernedly. "I imagine he's horribly upset. He must be..."**

** Remus trailed off at the look on Andromeda's face, and then she did something that surprised him somewhat, considering how vaguely they knew each other. She grabbed the ottoman from the worn armchair and dragged it up, sat on it, and took Remus's hands in hers in a motherly fashion. Remus's blood ran cold.**

** "Not Sirius too?" he whispered, barely getting the words out.**

** "No, Sirius made it through, all right," said Andromeda.**

** "So, does he have Harry now, or what?" asked Remus, the wave of relief he had felt upon hearing that Dumbledore was all right washing over him once more, though slightly less strong than before.**

** "It's an 'or what', Remus," Andromeda spat. "Sirius was their Secret-Keeper."**

** The wave of relief was quickly retracted and replaced with pure horror and an unpleasant churning of his stomach. Sirius, betray the best friend he ever had? Surely there had to be some mistake...he wouldn't...he couldn't...**

** It was obvious, however, that he could and would. Why else would Andromeda's shoulders have begun to shake with racking sobs, her grip on Remus's hands painfully tight as she tried to steady her own shaking hands?**

** "I thought - we all thought - he wouldn't be like the - rest..." Andromeda said between gasps of air and hiccups. "Like the other Blacks. He - we thought he - was - decent. But I guess…it's in his blood. And it's in mine, and that terrifies me. He was my – my favourite cousin, he – he is – was – the best…but I haven't seen him in so long, we just lost touch…maybe it's better, maybe it's all right that Nymphadora never met him, I can't imagine what she'd – this is all so sick –"**

** "Mum?"**

** Nymphadora had woken up and was sitting, staring at her mother fearfully. Andromeda let go of Remus at once and tried to wipe the tears from her eyes so her daughter wouldn't see.**

** "What happened, Mum?" asked Nymphadora drowsily. **

** "Nothing, darling, nothing...Mum's got a friend who got hurt, but everything's going to be all right...you go back to sleep."**

** Nymphadora didn't say anything, but looked at Remus, as though hoping he could explain her mother's strange behaviour. Remus suspected the girl had never seen her mother cry before. He started to say something to her, but then thought twice and turned instead to Andromeda.**

** "Listen, Andromeda...the loo is just through that door. Go get a drink of water and wash your face, you'll feel better," he suggested, pointing to the bathroom door.**

** Andromeda took a great gulp of air and stood up, went into the bathroom, and closed the door. Remus heard the lock click and he turned to Nymphadora.**

** "What's the matter?" she asked immediately. "Why's Mum crying? And I don't know who you are."**

** "My name is Remus Lupin. I sort of work with your mother. And what happened is...tonight, two of our very good friends died," said Remus. It caused actual physical pain to say it aloud. "And another good friend made it happen."**

** "Oh..." said Nymphadora, understanding and fear spreading over her face."Did Valdamort do that?"**

** On another occasion, Remus would have thought her mispronunciation of the name was cute, but found he couldn't tonight. Instead, he heaved a great sigh.**

** "Yes, he did," said Remus. **

** "Why?"**

** Remus had no answer. He knew perfectly well why James and Lily would have been targets - they were, after all, key members of the Order - but why Harry? A defenceless baby couldn't possibly pose a threat...but he supposed Voldemort was so used to killing that a little child would have been like practice for larger and more difficult prey...and that thought made him shudder. **

**"Valdamort's really awful," said Nymphadora, and she nodded back off.**

** It was strange how calm he felt, considering all he had just found out. He supposed it hadn't hit him quite yet, and when it did, he was sure it would be a terrible feeling. Sirius...a traitor? James and Lily dead? And where exactly was Harry? He only just realized Andromeda hadn't really made that clear.**

** A moment later, Andromeda emerged from the bathroom, her eyes puffy and her face splotchy, but considerably calmer than she had been.**

** "Listen, Remus, please let me know if I can do anything for you. I know we don't know each other all that well, but Sirius is...was...my family, and I know he is...or I suppose it's _was_ now..._was_ one of your best mates...so..." she trailed off. "We really should be going. I've got to make sure Emmeline's okay, and my daughter's tired."**

** Remus nodded and stood to see the two out. At the door, Nymphadora suddenly gave him a tight hug around the middle.**

** "I'm sorry about your friends," she said in a voice so earnest it brought a lump to Remus's throat.**

** "Thank you, Nymphadora," he said softly, patting her on the head. "Take care, Andromeda, and likewise, if you need anything..."**

** Andromeda nodded, took Nymphadora's hand once more, and they left down the dark staircase in Remus's building.**

**"I'll send someone along tomorrow afternoon to clear up whatever holes I've left," she called just before leaving.**

**"Thanks," Remus called in return.**

** It wasn't until he was sure they were gone, until he'd closed and locked the door, until he'd sat back down on his sofa and tossed the empty chocolate bar wrapper onto the somewhat battered coffee table that he allowed his hands to begin shaking.**


End file.

Harry Potter, Drama, Romance