Frozen, Ranger's Apprentice Araluen: Frozen

**DISCLAIMER: We do not own Ranger's Apprentice or Frozen; all rights to John Flanagan and Disney or whoever did Frozen.**

Halt was doing paperwork. And he was in a bad mood. Hence the paperwork. He was just beginning to fill out another ghastly paper when he heard something at his door.

Knock knock knock knock knock knock.

He thought it sounded vaguely familiar.

"Halt?" Will's sheepish voice reached his ears through the door.

Halt looked up. "What?" He snapped.

"Do you wanna shoot some arrows?"

Halt looked towards the door. Why the hell was Will singing?

"I really wanna shoot some arrows."

He decided to try his first line of refusal. "Go away." He knew it wouldn't work.

"Okay, byyyeeeee." His singing voice slowly faded away.

Halt's head snapped up from his paperwork and he raised one eyebrow at the door skeptically. That wasn't Will.

**An hour later…**

Halt wandered outside after he'd finished his paperwork, searching to see who he'd recruited as a victim to shoot arrows with him. He saw Gilan with Will at the archery range. He saw Crowley nearby, leaning against a tree, singing. "Winter's a good time to stay in and cuddle, but put me in summer and I'll be a…HAPPY RANGER!" Halt ignored him, figuring he had had a little too much coffee.

Gilan was currently shooting, so Halt stepped clear out of the way, knowing that if he didn't he would get hit. Gilan has his bow at full draw and he hears Halt coming and spins around, shouting, "Hiyah Halt!", at the same time accidentally releasing the arrow.

Halt leaped out of the way of the zipping arrow and, after it had firmly planted itself in the ground (right where he'd been standing) Halt glared at Gilan. And began to screaming at him.

"Gilan! What the hell do you think you're doing? You could've killed me!"

Gilan jogs up to Halt. "Gee, Halt, I'm really really sorry. But you know what you gotta do?"

Halt raises his eyebrow for the second time that day. "What?" He asked flatly.

"You just gotta let it go."

Halt raises the other eyebrow. And then Gilan burst into song.

"LET IT GO! LET IT GO! CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!" He starts spinning around in circles dramatically with his arms out. "LET IT GO! LET IT GO! TURN AWAY—"He spins dramatically once again and yanks the arrow from the ground. "—AND SLAM THE DOOR!"

Halt's jaw drops. He'd never seen Gilan act like this. Nor Will for that matter, who was still singing 'Do You Wanna Shoot Some Arrows?'.

"Whatever. I'm going inside to get some coffee. Or something." Halt turns and walks back to the cabin. Then, as Gilan starts in on the second verse, he breaks into a run.

Will looks up. "Never seen him move that fast before." He mused.

**Later that night...**

_**Date: Sometime in the Fall. Can't remember what day it is.**_  
_**Time: Uh….way after dark. Moon's about three-fourths of the way up.**_

_**Dear diary,**_

T_oday was one of the strangest days of my life. My YOUNG life. Will asked me if I wanted to go shoot arrows. Which is completely normal. Until he started singing it. That, however, was NOT completely normal. What was even stranger was when I told him to go away…he did. He NEVER goes away when I tell him the first time. NEVER EVER! Then Gilan started singing something about letting it go. Wasn't quite sure what exactly he was holding on to. I actually wasn't even aware that he had anything to let go. Especially in the mental department. Now the stupid song's been stuck in my head all day._

_ Now, all I have left to do before I finally get to go to sleep, is to get that stupid song out of my—"_

Suddenly Halt hears a voice coming from outside his window.

"I DON'T CARE! WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO SAY!" Something heavy smacked against the cabin wall. "Ouch!" A pause. "THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAY!"

That's it.

Halt slammed the quill in the book, which he knew would leave a big great splatter all over the page, and jumped out of his chair, knocking it backwards onto the floor as he did so. He yanked open the window. "GILAN!" He screamed.

Gilan looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"Get over here!" Halt jumped out the window, knocking an arrow to his longbow as he did so. Gilan dashes into the woods with Halt right on his heels.

**Ten minutes later…**

Halt walks placidly back into his room, leaning his longbow against the wall. He picks up his quill again and begins to write.

_ Mission accomplished._

_**Halt**_

He writed his name with an extra large flourish and neatly closes the book, setting it aside. He pulls the covers up to his chin and falls asleep peacefully.

**4:13 in the morning…**

Crreeeakkkk!

Halt shot awake, immediately on the alert for danger. He grabbed his saxe knife, creeping over to his bedroom door. He eased it open just a crack and peered out. Someone lit a lamp in the kitchen. Then he heard the worst, most abominable thing ever.

"Do you wanna shoot some arrows? I really wanna shoot some arrows?"

It was Will, singing softly.

Halt threw open the door, not being able to take it any longer. He stormed out, just as Will pulled the coffee beans from the cupboard.

"Oh, hey Halt! You want some co—"

Before he could finish, Halt slapped the coffee beans out of Will's hands, scattering them along the floor.

Will was in utter shock. "Halt! How could you do that?" He asked in despair as he began to hurriedly pick them up one by one.

"I'M GONNA WRING YOUR LITTLE NECK AND SKIN YOUR SCRAWNY LITTLE BEHIND!" He screamed, enraged.

Will looked up, a startled expression on his face. "Wha—" He got no further. Halt lunged at him, the knife in his hand, and Will took off running, sprinting towards Castle Araluen.

**At Castle Araluen…**

King Duncan was awakened by a horrendous noise. Something SO loud and SO terrible, that it had woken him from his precious beauty sleep. He climbed out of bed to look out the window, groaning softly as his head pounded. He fumbled with the curtains for a minute, because he couldn't yet master control of his arms.

What he saw befuddled him. Halt. Running across the front yard. In his pajamas. With a knife. Chasing Will

He rubbed his eyes, then looked again. Nope, still there. He couldn't quite make out Will's hysterical screaming, but it sounded something like:

"SOMEBODY HELP ME HALT'S TRYING TO KILL ME LOOK HE'S GOT A KNIFE I'M GONNA DIE AHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH….!"

"Will Treaty! You get your scrawny—" Halt shouted. Duncan didn't listen to the rest. He didn't want to scar his mind with those kinds of words.

He watched as they sprinted away out of sight. He whispered to himself, confused. "First of all, how is Will running so fast without breathing and only screaming? Second of all, why is Halt in his pajamas? And third of all…"He rubbed his forehead thoughtfully. "I thought I got rid of that hangover." He reached into his nightstand cabinet and produced another bottle. He popped the cork and drank deeply. VERY deeply.

**It's morning time now…**

The sun was rising, and Halt was still chasing Will. But he couldn't find him. That dratted little kid had hidden in a tree, and Halt was certain viciously for him, saxe knife at the ready.

As he passed the Battleschool, he saw Horace. Going down the stairs. No, spinning down the stairs. NO, DANCING down the stairs in complex moves. Halt raised one eyebrow. Yet again. He decided this time wasn't good enough to raise BOTH eyebrows. One would do.

As Horace drew closer, he realized he was singing. Oh no. Not again.

"And it's nothing like I've ever known before! LOVE IS AN OPEN DOOOOOORRRRR! LOVE IS AN OPEN DOOOORRRR!"

"Hey, Horace!" Halt called, motioning him over.

"Yes, Halt?" He said, skipping over. "What can I do for you?" He asked happily.  
Halt didn't answer. He just smacked him violently across the face.

Horace gasped in pain and put his hand to his cheek. "What was that?" He asked dramatically.  
"That was love. It just slammed the door." He said dryly. When Horace didn't seem to understand, he continued. "In your face."

Horace stood there for a minute, obviously dumbfounded. Then he leaned forward and whispered to Halt. "I don't get it."

Halt closed his eyes in exasperation, attempting not to lose his temper. Then he leaned forward and answered in a whisper as well. "Neither do I."

Horace sat there for a second, then a slow smile spread across his face. False realization lightbulbed in his head. "Ooohhhhh." He tapped his finger to his head. "I get it."

Halt blinked. "I don't think you do." They still continue to whisper.

Horace changes the subject suddenly. "I'm gonna go practice with my sword now."

"Okay." Halt whispers. "You do that."

Horace begins to turn away, then turns back around, a curious look on his face. "Why are we whispering?" He asks, still whispering.

Halt shrugs.

Horace mirrors the action and begins to saunter away.

"Hey, Horace!" Halt calls after him. Horace turns.

"Yeah, Halt?"

"While you're at it, why don't you cut down love's door?" Halt grins at his own joke. Horace doesn't get it. "With your sword." He elaborated.

Horace is baffled. "I don't—"

"Nevermind." Halt said, beginning to walk away.

"But I thought—" Horace starts again.

"Just go!" Halt shouts, moving away. Horace leaves, and Halt passes the army, who is practicing in the Drill yard. They are all synchronized. And singing.

"STRONGER THAN ONE! STRONGER THAN TEN! STRONGER THAN A HUNDRED MEN! HO! BORN OF COLD AND WINTER AIR…!"

Facepalm. "I'm going home." Halt whimpers.

He hears an explosive snort of laughter from a nearby tree.

"Will?" He asks suspiciously. "Is that you up that tree?"

Will tries to unsuccessfully stifle his laughter. As we said, UNSUCCESSFULLY.

Halt dashes over to the tree and begins to shake it violently.

"Halt! Stop you're gonna make me fall out!" He shouts, obviously concerned for his own well being.

"That's the point!" Halt screams at him, shaking the tree harder than ever.

After several minutes, Will finally slams to the ground.

"Ooooooowwwwwwww!" He whined rubbed his buttocks. "What'd you do that fo—" Will stops abruptly.

Halt was staring at him, smiling. Will became very nervous. Wait, Halt was SMILING at him. And that made him all the more terrified.

"Uh, hi Halt." He gulped.

" Hey Will." He said, his voice sickeningly sweet.

"Huh, nice knife." He stuttered.

"Yeah, I know." Halt said taking a few dangerous steps towards Will.

Finally, Will couldn't take it any longer. He jumped up and ran away screaming.

**In the Throne Room in Castle Araluen…**

Duncan heard another strange noise, he crossed over to the window and peeked out.

Halt, chasing Will across the front lawn, with a knife. He looked away, unsure of what to think. Then he gestured for his wife, his daughter's stepmother, to come over.

"Honey, look out the window and tell me what you see." He asked.

His wife looked out the window. Little did he know, Halt and Will had crossed out of the field of vision from the window.

His wife responded, " I just see the army practicing."

King Duncan turned back to his wife, " In our front lawn?" he asked incredulously.

" NNNNNOOOOO," she said in her usually whiny voice, " Over ttttthhhhhheeeeerrrreeeeeee." She gestured vaguely to the whole window.

Duncan blinked. He blinked again. He ignored it. He stood in front of the window and said, "'Cause I could have sworn I saw Halt and-"

He was cut off as the two Rangers ran across the front lawn, this time going the opposite direction, screaming maniacally.

He paused. "You say you didn't see anything?" He asked his wife.

She shook her head. "Except for the army."

"'Cause Halt is….Will is…." He stuttered, trying to wrap his mind around it.

"And you made that man one of your closest advisors. I warned you about him." She said.

Duncan decides he hadn't gotten rid of that hangover. "Somebody bring me another bottle!" He shouts.

**Back at Halt's cabin…**

Halt was sitting at his desk, writing in his diary once again.

_**Date: Day after yesterday**_  
_**Time: Uh…two minutes too long since I've had my last coffee.**_

**_Dear diary,_**

_ I chased Will all over Araluen. I think we kinda creeped King Duncan out. I saw him looking out his window last night as I was trying to kill Will. He looked kinda pale. I told him being king would be too much stress for him, but he didn't listen. And he made me one of his closest advisors, too. But he won't even listen to me! I feel betrayed._  
_ But anyways…uh…you know I wouldn't KILL Will, right? 'Cause I could actually get arrested for talking like that. I probably should get arrested for talking like this. But I won't tell anyone. Right? Right. And you certainly won't tell anyone. Right? Right. Good then. Because if you do I'll roast marshmallows over your ashes. Well, time to be getting to bed. Good night._

_**Halt**_

Halt was just closing his diary when he heard a noise from the kitchen. A voice. And it was all too familiar.

"You'll never see me cry!" A loud thud is heard against the wall. "Ow!" Another pause. "Can't hold it back any more! Let it go! Let it go!"

No way. That's it.

Suddenly, Gilan throws open Halt's bedroom door, planning on slamming it closed again when he gets to the lyrics, 'Turn away and slam the door.'

Gilan froze. "Oh…hi, Halt. I wasn't expecting you to be here."

Halt remained unfazed. "Well, it is my cabin."

"Ah, yeah. I knew that." He stood there awkwardly.

"I thought you were dead." Halt said bluntly.

Gilan blinked. "Yeah, so did I. Until I woke up."

Halt slowly reaches for his longbow, pulling it closer to him.

"Well," Gilan says anxiously. "I guess I'll be going now."

Halt nods slowly. "Oh, you'll be going, all right. Just not the way you think."

There goes that deer-caught-in-headlights look. Gilan instinctively reaches for an arrow, but finds none. Halt smiles wolfishly. Gilan then reaches for his saxe knife and unsheathes it.

"Oh yeah?" He challenges. "Well I'm gonna—" He freezes as he realized Halt's replaced his knife with a wooden one. "—run." He finishes.

Gilan ran back to his fief.

**Well, thank you for reading another Fili and Kili Inc. Production! This one was one of our particular favorites. And by the way, no one was gay in this story, including Horace. That was just some friendly humor. At his expense. But anyways, please read on.**

**SONG OF THE DAY**

**Gilan: Let It Go!**  
**Kili and Fili: NO!**  
**Gilan: Fine. Whatever. Let it go! Let it go!…**

_**Kili and Fili**_

King Duncan was going back to bed. He didn't feel well. I mean, he thought he'd gotten rid of that annoying hangover, but he was still having hallucinations. So…yeah. He still had that hangover. I mean, who sees rangers running around the front lawn in their pajamas trying to kill their apprentices?

Just then he sees Crowley skipping down the hallway, singing. "And I'll be a HAPPY RANGER!" He claps his heels together at the last part.

But then again, Duncan thought, Rangers were always kinda weird.


End file.

Frozen, Ranger's Apprentice, Humor, Parody