Naruto 1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** Sasuke needed better friends**  
Notes:** For my love and her prompt _stale cereal_. Apparently AU!Sasuke is incapable of talking without cussing. He's so precious. Main ship here is the _broship_. If you're here for romance, mind the exit.

* * *

Sasuke woke with his feet hanging over one edge of the bed and his head from the other. His skull felt like it was splitting in two. Squinting up at the ceiling, his first thought was _fuck everything_.

Groaning, he forced himself to sit up and realized he wasn't wearing any clothes. He blinked and turned his head a fraction. Sakura was next to him, her hair and make-up a mess. He pressed his lips into a hard line. Well _this_ meant a conversation he didn't want to have. He was trying to remember who gave him that first shot so he could kill them.

He grabbed some boxers and went to slip out of his room. Instead, he walked into a tower of beer cans someone had stacked up right outside his door.

"_Mother fucker_," he hissed, the cans clanging against the floor and driving into his skull like drills. He heard Suigetsu and Naruto bust out laughing in the living room. Grinding his teeth and glaring daggers, he dragged his feet to the kitchen. The light from the fridge stung like hell fire as he grabbed the open carton of milk.

"Bring me a bowl," hollered Sui from the living room.

"Go fuck yourself."

"Shut _up_," barked Neji, obviously nursing a hangover of his own.

Sasuke shoved a spoonful of fruity pebbles into his mouth as he went to survey the damage those losers had done to his apartment only to glare bloody murder at his cereal. The shit was stale. How many fucking times did he have to tell them to roll up_the top of the goddamn bag before putting it away?_

"I hate all of you," he said, plopping on the couch despite Naruto stretched across it.

"Dude! _Laying_ here!"

Sasuke didn't respond, instead shoving his stale bowl of cereal at Suigetsu and snatching up his controller. He still had his game paused from last night before the merry band of misfits barged in with a liquor store.

It wasn't until he got through the next level that he paused his game and asked, "Where's Kiba?"

Naruto and Suigetsu exchanged a look. Neji was passed back out in the arm chair.

"Sakura's here," he said, slowly putting the pieces together. "Which means Ino was here. So where the hell are Kiba and Ino?"

Suigetsu and Naruto had a staring contest that lasted five seconds before they put up their fists. Naruto lost, rock to paper. He flicked Suigetsu off and said, "Well, uh, you and Sakura-chan took the bedroom, so…"

Craning around, Sasuke looked at the key holder on the wall and instantly saw red. "Where the fuck are my car keys!?"

Silence followed, only to be broken by Suigetsu slowly crunching down on the stale fruity pebbles.

He was going to kill Kiba. And then make the bastard pay to get his baby detailed. Christ, he thought, turning back to his game with his jaw clenched, he needed better fucking friends.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary:** They always wanted him for his body.  
**Notes:** IDEK what I'm writing anymore.

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Sasuke blew through a stop sign on his way to the diner. What had it been? Like a week? Week and a half since waking up in bed with Sakura? They hadn't talked since. Not even that morning. She'd slipped out while Sasuke and Kiba were being threatened with a disturbance of the peace charge.

Fucking Kiba. Sasuke shuddered as he glanced at the backseat in the rearview mirror. His poor car had been violated.

"Red," said Kiba, hand scrambling for the overhead handle. "Dude, red light. _Red fucking light!_"

Sasuke slammed on the breaks last minute, sending Kiba's face into the dash. "Are you driving?"

"God damn it!" he cursed, flipping down the mirror and checking for a bloody nose.

"No, you're not," answered Sasuke. "Shut the fuck up."

Tightening his grip on the steering wheel, Sasuke made a sharp right, throwing Kiba around some more because it made him feel better.

How had Sakura _not_ tried to talk to him? It's not like he really cared, but they've known each other for two years now. They met at the diner—she was always their waitress and gave Sasuke extra ketchup. A woman doesn't give you extra ketchup unless she likes you.

When he and his friends finished eating one night at the tail end of her shift, Naruto invited her to come shoot some pool with them. She showed up with Ino who was a pain in the ass and somehow they'd been around ever since.

Not that Sasuke even cared. Whatever. He ignored them both ninety-nine percent of the time, but he knew Sakura had a crush on him and it just made no fucking sense that she hadn't tried to call him once and now he was on his way to get lunch and she was going to be there and for fuck's sake, if this meal got awkward, he was going to be pissed.

He smacked Kiba's face into the passenger window for good measure.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary:** He must be insane to take advice from these losers.  
**Notes:** Waking up and writing a drabble for this seems to be becoming a thing. AND APPARENTLY NARUTO'S ROMANTIC ADVICE WILL ALWAYS BE TO BUY FLOWERS. IDEK OKAY.

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"He spent the whole fucking meal texting Ino."

Naruto was twenty tickets away from beating his all time record in Skeet-ball. He curled his tongue around his upper lip in concentration and readied his next throw when Sasuke punched him in the shoulder, nearly causing him to knock out a five year old.

"Are you _tying_ to get me fired!?"

"You're playing games at work. You'll get yourself fired. Now focus. I hate Kiba and Sakura didn't give me extra ketchup yesterday. It's pissing me off."

Naruto was sitting cross-legged on the floor, gathering up his stack of tickets. "Put plastic wrap over Kiba's toilet and buy Sakura flowers. There. Problems solved."

"You're useless," said Sasuke, stalking away and ignoring Naruto as he shouted, "DUDE, YOU'RE MY RIDE!"

"Just fuck her at the diner and kill Kiba," suggested Suigetsu who was halfway inside Sasuke's fridge. What the fuck was he even doing at his apartment?

He texted Neji later that night, who responded with a curt: _Grow up and figure it out._

Sasuke didn't know why he bothered to ask…or stay friends with these losers. Every last one of them was useless.

"Fuck it," he said, pouring himself a shot. About halfway through a bottle of Jack, he called and ordered a hundred dollars worth of pizza, said he would pay with cash, and had it delivered to Kiba.

When he finished the bottle, he texted Sakura and promptly passed out.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary:** He never should've opened his damn door.  
**Notes:** I'm having way too much fun writing this story. ALSO. To clarify. Les (xfucktheglasses) is my occasional lover and gave me the prompt _bro!fic and stale cereal_ for the first drabble, so I stuck to her headcanons 'cause obviously they're what floats her boat AND THEN GOT ADDICTED TO BRO!FIC AND NOW I CAN'T STOP. So no, not her, not trying to rip her off, just somehow ended up writing her a drabble series...*squints* OMG WOMAN WHEN DID I BECOME YOUR BITCH?

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Sasuke groaned in misery when his doorbell rang.

"Go away," he mumbled, pulling a pillow over his head. The ringing didn't stop, which meant whoever was at the door knew him and wouldn't leave until he answered it.

He sat up slowly, still in the jeans and t-shirt he was wearing yesterday. He was fucking starving and there was a dull throb in his head, but he wouldn't classify it as a hangover. He counted his blessings. But then he stood up to move and nearly tripped over the empty whiskey bottle. He glared and kicked it against the wall. The fucking world was always out to get him.

He stalked through his apartment and ripped his door open, ready to ream whoever was on the other side only to come up short when he saw his brother.

Itachi smiled at him and held up his phone. "I received a series of hieroglyphics from you last night," he said. Sasuke felt the color drain from his face. "Then I realized you were drunk and deciphered the words: _We just gonna ignore sex? What is ketchup?_ I assume this wasn't meant for me."

"Obviously," muttered Sasuke, crossing his arms and glaring at his toes. He could feel the tips of his ears burning. "Why the hell are you here?"

"Really, little brother? As if your failure to procure yourself a healthy relationship isn't enough of a reason? I'm here to help."

"Oh, god," he said, leaning his forehead against the edge of the door. "Just kill me now."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary:** The universe hated him.  
**Notes:** I woke up to a bunch of favs/alerts in my inbox for this story. Where did you people come from!? Anyway, here's an update.

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"Are we gonna go in or just sit here like fuckwads?" asked Kiba.

Sliding down the seat to the floor, Suigetsu whined, "I'm withering away into nothingggg!"

Sasuke shot them both a glare through the rearview mirrior, but Kiba already had his nose back to his damn phone. Sasuke was sure that jerk purposely texted Ino constantly whenever Sasuke was around, just to rub it in his face. And Suigetsu was a puddle on the floor.

"They're right," said Neji. "I'm going to eat. This is ridiculous. You can join us when you find your balls."

"Hey." Sasuke flicked up his middle finger. "Fuck you."

"Wait! TAKE ME WITH YOU!" Suigetsu shot up and dove over the front seat, rolling out of the passenger side door. He practically shoved Neji to the ground as he blew through the front door of the diner.

"Neji's right, you know," said Kiba, getting out of the car and heading into the diner, as well.

"Fuckers." Sasuke slumped in his seat and ran his hands over the steering wheel of his car, focusing on the one good thing in his life. He'd completely forgotten about Naruto until that dumbass fell onto the front seat.

"So, you want me to ask her out for you?"

Sasuke shoved his face into the window. "I can do it myself," he said, gritting his teeth and stalking out of the car.

Naruto rubbed his cheek, hollering, "I was trying to help, dickface!"

Sitting down with the rest of his useless friends, Sasuke licked his dry lips and waited for Sakura to bring out their drinks. Except their waitress wasn't Sakura. Sasuke looked at his friends, silently demanding an answer.

"She switched shifts," said Neji.

Sasuke crossed his arms, slumping in his seat. He tried to text her and ended up texting his fucking brother. He tried to talk to her here, and she wasn't working. That was the universe saying no. If Sasuke knew anything, it was that you don't fuck with the universe.

"I hate everything."

"Then can I have your food?"

He jabbed his foot into Suigetsu's shin. Fucker.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary:** His goddamn brother.  
**Notes:** I haven't written anything for this in awhile, so...why not?

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Itachi had barged his way into Sasuke's apartment a few days ago. He surveyed every room, checked the cabinets and fridge, and then hummed in a way that meant he was either seriously disturbed by Sasuke's living conditions or he really didn't give a fuck and only made the sweep because their mother asked him to.

Itachi needled him for information about his lover. Sasuke narrowed his eyes. Who the fuck said lover? Oh, right. His douchebag of a brother.

"Would you leave it alone?" he said. "We got drunk. We had sex. That's it."

Itachi stared at him for a full minute, making Sasuke tense because he recognized that look. His brother wasn't going to let this go. Worse, he was probably going to tell their Mom. Sure enough, twenty minutes after Itachi left his apartment, his mother called. Every day since then, he'd been getting harassed by Itachi and Mikoto, wondering when they would get to meet his nice lady friend. Sasuke decided he preferred lover to nice lady friend.

Five days after his brother's visit, Sakura showed up on his doorstep. He ripped open the door, expecting one of his loser friends. Most likely Suigetsu looking to steal from his fridge some more. So when he saw Sakura standing on the other side, a blush staining her cheeks, he threw the door closed on reflex.

"Fuck!" He ripped it back open a second later, the back of his neck on fire. He was acting like Naruto. God, he hoped Sakura never breathed a word of it. Glaring, because his stomach was doing funny things and it was easier to be pissed off then give in to that feeling, he asked, "Who sent you?"

Sakura looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "Uh...your brother called me. I think. Do you even have a brother? Ugh, I swear. I'm sorry! I should've known Ino was up to something. I'm just going to go. Let's just pretend this never happened."

Sasuke caught her wrist after she took a step away, blurting the first thing that popped into his head. "I have a brother."

"Oh." Sakura was staring at where he had his hand curled around her wrist. He instantly snatched it back and ran it through his hair with a huff.

"Look, I didn't tell him to call you."

Did he imagine the way her shoulders dropped? "Oh."

"What happened was just a thing that happened, so whatever. It's just whatever. That's fine. I get it." Fucking hell, he was babbling.

"I thought it was a rather nice thing."

Sasuke stiffened, memories of having sex with Sakura flooding his mind. His lips went crooked. She looked down at her toes, grinning. Maybe it wasn't just a thing? Heart hammering, he step aside and asked, "You wanna come in?"


End file.

Naruto, Friendship