Hollyoaks Anxiety

**This is just a random one shot really. A bit of smut. I missed writing so I thought I'd just write down whatever came to my head! This is the result! Hope you enjoy it.**

**Side note: Ste has the kids and his flat in this fic. Brendan is comfortable with being gay. There are some characters that I've made up but most won't feature too heavily. **

Ste doesn't want to go out. He hasn't wanted to go out in a long while, especially after what happened but right now he has his best friend Benny breathing down his throat, practically begging for him to go out tonight because it's been months now. There's a whole group of people going and they're beginning to miss his presence. Back in the day, Ste wouldn't have turned down a night out on the lash, going around to all of the clubs and secretly critiquing the music and judging all of the men that approached him but now he'd prefer a night in with an average tasting Chinese, a film and a glass of wine. He wishes he _could_ go out, but Benny still doesn't quite understand how bad his anxiety and panic attacks are. He has witnessed them first hand and he has been incredibly supportive but he thinks confronting things straight away is the best option. With Ste, it's a waiting game and he doesn't feel ready.

"Ste please come out tonight. I won't leave you for one second I promise. I know the thing that happened with Andy made you really paranoid and scared but you'll be with one of us the entire time."

"Look, I said no okay? Please don't bring Andy up. I don't want to hear that name ever again. He's gone now and I know I don't have to worry about him anymore but...I just don't think I can go out without having a panic attack."

Benny looks disappointed as sips his latte delicately and some of the froth gathers on his top lip which he licks away subtly. Ste wants to appease his friends, he really does and he's still young so he should be going out and getting drunk and having fun but he's not strong enough to go out yet.

"I hope you manage to feel strong enough soon. We really miss having you with us."

"I have the kids tonight anyway so I couldn't come out even if I wanted to."

"Oh yeah. How is the lovely Amy?"

Ste's friend asks inquisitively as he adds a sugar to his latte, the beverage seemingly not sweet enough. Benny has only recently discovered his liking for men, has always been hooked on women but when a drunken night at a gay bar lead him to snog a few guys and eventually take one home, he discovered his love for men as well. The only catch is he has a crush on Amy and Ste finds it odd. Amy is attractive, beautiful in fact and at one point, before Ste experimented with men, he was attracted to her for sure but he is a little protective over Amy. For what reasons he isn't sure.

"She's fine. Just busy with college and stuff."

"She needs to get busy with something else."

"Benny! That's the mother of my kids you're talking about. Lay off. She has enough on her plate."

"You're not jealous are you?"

Benny questions humorously as he gulps down his latte and Ste just stares at him as if the idea itself is ludicrous.

"I'm gay. I don't have feelings for her anymore. I just...I don't know. She's still important to me I guess. It'd be weird if you two got together."

The other man can see things from Ste's perspective. It'd be like Ste going out with one of Benny's ex's and he can picture how awkward and strange that would be. He decides to change the topic of conversation, hasn't asked how Ste has been, _really_ been. Ste tends to shrug off any talk about his well being, doesn't like talking about the months that have passed since it all happened.

"How's those nightmares? Easing up?"

Benny asks seriously, reaching over the table and placing his hand on Ste's wrist to try and facilitate the conversation, persuade him to speak out and talk to him.

"I don't know. Kind of, I guess. I've stopped wetting the bed like a fucking five year old so that's good."

"Stop putting yourself down! You went to hell and back. No one is ashamed of you for wetting the bed. It's no big deal."

"It is a big deal Benny. I _pissed_ the bed because I was scared of a fucking dream. How much more pathetic can a man get?"

The older man sighs in agitation and shakes his head, is close to shaking the Mancunian to make him realise that everything is okay and he doesn't need to be ashamed of anything. It's at that moment that Ste's phone vibrates on the table, before Benny can continue. He sees he has a message from Amy.

_My dad has the kids tonight. Going to pop to Mikayla's for a little sleep over. Love you x_

Amy lives with her parents, never used to but when herself and Ste broke up, they thought it'd be for the best. That's not to say that Amy doesn't sleep over. She does a lot of the time when she needs some head space and when she wants to spend time with Ste and the kids as a family. She and Ste like sharing movie nights some times, watching the classics like Dirty Dancing and Greece and eating a hell of a load of popcorn but when she is needed in college, Ste has to spend most of the time at his flat alone.

"Amy's dad has the kids tonight."

Ste says mindlessly as he reads from his phone screen, something he immediately regrets because Benny pipes up again. In a way he's glad he's let it slip because it turns the conversation away from him and his embarrassing bed wetting situation but he also knows that Benny is a stubborn bastard and he is likely to persist until he gets what he wants.

"Yes! So you could come out tonight."

"You're not going to give up on this are you?"

"Ste look. How are you ever going to get over all of this unless you stand up to it? Take hold of it all by the horns and show it who is boss. You have all of us by your side and we won't ever leave you okay?"

Ste considers it for a second. He's been through a hell of a lot, more than any other 21 year old no doubt but there's this unavoidable fear lurking in the pit of his stomach, something he can't just ignore and push to the side. It's been there for a while and he gets flustered enough going food shopping, let alone a nightclub. But then again, he's lived with this fear for months and months and he's never felt strong enough to confront it and challenge it, despite all the counselling sessions he went to. If there's ever a time to be brave, it's now because Ste doesn't want to be like this forever.

"Fine."

Ste sighs in defeat and Benny practically jumps for joy, jolts the entire table with his excitement and spills half of his latte. He's so blinded by his victory that he doesn't even notice.

"Yes!"

"I have conditions though. I need someone with me at all times. Even if I'm just going to the bar right? If any of you leave me I'll freak out. If someone hits on me just wade on in there and drag me away because I can't deal with that. It's too soon. If I don't feel like dancing then don't try and force me up there because there'll be loads of people and I'm not good with all that."

"I won't leave your side for a second. I promise. Unless I need a piss. But other than that, I'll be attached to your hip. You told me what to do if you have a panic attack so if you get overwhelmed, we can go outside and I'll calm you down and I'll take you home. This will be good for you Ste, I can feel it."

Benny is more excited than Ste is about the night ahead. He's practically bouncing off the walls. The pair head back to Benny's first so he can pick up any clothes that he needs and then they head to Ste's tiny flat which is relatively clean at the moment. The kids haven't been around for a few days so there aren't toys scattered about on the floor, the cushions on the sofa are all in place and there aren't a load of pink and green plastic bowls littering the sides in the kitchen.

"Right. Let's get you all glammed up shall we?"

Benny says as he dumps his bag of clothes by the sofa and wonders into Ste's bedroom, casual as you like. He follows his friend and perches on the side of the bed as Benny roots through his wardrobe for something to wear. Ste has a few nice clothes, has more track suits at the moment because he lounges around more often now.

"Yes. You have to wear these. They cling to your arse."

Benny drawls flirtatiously as he holds up a pair of tight fit, black skinny jeans. Ste hasn't worn them in a while but he hasn't put on any weight so they should still fit him.

"Oi! You perve! Since when have you been staring at my bum?"

"I haven't. I just remember how good they look."

He lays them on the bed next to Ste and starts going through his shirts, moving them along the rail one by one and analysing them.

"This is perfect."

"That's Amy's you muppet! Put it back!"

Benny holds the thin, flowery shirt to himself and glances at the mirror, shimmies it in his hand giggles as Ste rolls his eyes.

"Okay no. Wear this. I love this shirt."

It's a shirt that Ste had forgotten he owned. It's bright red, was incredibly expensive but he agrees to wear it nonetheless. He might as well push the boat out tonight seeing as it's his first night out in what feels like forever. Plus, getting into an argument with Benny about what clothes to wear is a losing battle.

Ste gets changed with his friend in the room, isn't overly bothered about him seeing his body. He's seen it all before anyway, seen everything practically. There's never been any romantic feelings between them but they feel comfortable around each other and always have done.

"Mate, you look fit."

Ste gives himself a once over in the mirror and approves of Benny's choice.

"Yeah I do don't I."

"Yeah. Now go and shave, and bring me the hair wax."

Ste does just that, shaves and let's the make up guru do as he pleases and by the time they're scheduled to leave, they're both ready and Ste's hair is styled to perfection, face all smooth, body smelling of his favourite aftershave and Benny looks good too but then again he always does.

"You sure you'll be okay? Just tell me if it all gets too much."

The Mancunian takes a deep breath and rolls his shoulders clockwise. Anyone else would think he's preparing for a race or an important job interview but every day is like this. He has to summon the courage just to leave the house.

"Yeah. It's now or never right?"

Benny smiles, that _oh so perfect _smile. Straight, white teeth. His jet black hair always looks perfect and sometimes Ste wonders if he wakes up that way.

The pair walk down the street and Ste is already trembling a little, is digging away at the skin on the side of his thumb and Benny instantaneously notices.

"Calm down."

He whispers as he takes hold of his hand, linking their fingers. It's a very casual gesture and the two walk like that to the club, hands locked and they do get a few funny looks but Ste has the strength to ignore the people who stare.

By the time they reach the rest of their friends, of which Ste is the youngest, he's a little hot under the collar but he feels okay. There's no panic in him as of yet, no insecurity, no fear that someone will hurt him.

Going into the club is the hardest part. There are people pushing and shoving and they brush past Ste, some delicately and some full on crash into him and it sends him into shock but Benny is there in front of him, cupping his face and forcing him to look directly into his eyes "Ste look at me. It's okay. You're okay. I've got you. See?" and he shows Ste that their hands are still interlaced. He grips on tight and blinks several times, nods and plasters on a smile. He's already beginning to regret this.

The club is packed and the younger man has to breathe away the insecurity, the fear and Benny squeezes on his hand for reassurance, clears a path through the dance floor towards a booth they've reserved and Ste takes his place in the middle, the rest of his friends surrounding him so he doesn't get bashed by people walking past.

Tanya, Zoe and Tyler all look great. They are closer with each other now, more so than Ste but that's only because Ste has avoided going out for so long, avoided seeing any of them for a while but they seem grateful and thankful that he's finally showed his face.

"How you feeling now?"

Zoe says in his ear, just about loud enough for him to hear over the pumping music.

"Not too bad. Bit scared but I couldn't stay in my flat forever could I? I missed you guys."

Zoe smiles genuinely and touches a hand to his leg, keeps it there for a little while and Ste feels happy that at least one of his friends is keeping the physical contact at all times. He feels safe.

"Benny ran us through it all. You know, the _staying by your side at all times_ thing. As silly as you may feel, I understand. Do you want to get a drink? I'll come up with you."

"No I'm alright for the moment. I think Tyler is getting the first load in anyway. I'm fine here."

Ste feels secure in this booth and he doesn't want to move, doesn't want to drift out of, what is now, his comfort zone.

* * *

><p>After a couple of hours, Ste manages to settle down. He ignores the people around him and focuses on his friends and their laughter and energy and content at having him here and he feels completely fine. By now he's usually dripping with sweat and breathing so fast that his lungs might explode but he feels great. Alcohol is thrumming through his veins (which is probably a contributing factor to his relaxed mood) and there's a good atmosphere in the club, a relatively calm one considering.<p>

"I'm going to get a drink."

Ste says as he lightly shoves Benny with his hips telling him to slide out of the booth so he can exit.

"I'll go with you."

Tanya says as she begins to make her way out of the booth, quickly downing her drink before hand and scrunching up her face at the strength of her beverage.

"No. No it's okay. I feel good. I'm going to try and go on my own."

Ste says with confidence. He feels fantastic and it's really like he has been missing out. It was the fear of possibility, of what _could_ have happened that's been holding him back.

"Mate are you sure? Tanya will go with you, it's not a problem."

"Let me try this. Please. I've got to grow some balls some time."

"Don't talk like that. You never lost any balls."

"I mean it Benny I'll be fine. Just keep an eye on me though yeah? You know, just in case."

Despite feeling good, Ste needs to know he has something to fall back on because this could all go tits up. Someone could shove into him and his calm demeanour could falter and he could have a panic attack in the middle of the dance floor. But nonetheless, he puffs out his chest and delicately moves past people towards the bar. He takes a seat on a stool and looks back towards the booth where every single one of his group has their eyes on him and he feels reassured. He turns his back on them and waits to be served.

"What can I get you?"

The barman asks, has to shout a little over the music and lean across the bar into Ste's space which he feels a little taken aback by but he comes to his senses, knows this man means no harm and he composes himself.

"Double Vodka and coke please."

He replies, handing his money over and swinging back and forth on his stool as he waits for his drink to be made. It takes longer than he thought it would and when it's put in front of him, he decides to sit there and take a few sips before heading back over to his friends.

In that moment, a drunk man, twice the size of Ste stumbles over to the bar and knocks into him and his drink spills over the rim of the glass, beings to flood the surface and stick.

"Woops! Sorry mate! Let me get you another one!"

The drunkard is tall, bald, has a number of tattoos on him and he's clearly gay. Ste is panicking a little, can feel his arm thumping from where the man crashed into him and his heart begin to speed up.

"No it's fine."

Ste mutters as he slides off his stool, ready to go back to his friends but the man grabs him hard by the wrist and yanks him back, pushes his large body against him and almost pins him to the bar. The dance floor is packed now and a large number of people are blocking Ste's view to his friends. If he can't see them, then they can't see him.

"You rejecting me boy? You disrespecting me?"

"N—no. I'm sorry. Please d—don't—"

The older man breathes heavily in his face and the grip on his wrist tightens and Ste starts to sweat, can feel his heart hammering, picking up the pace and slamming against his rib cage and he feels a panic attack coming, feels his breaths beginning to rush in and out of his lungs.

"Benny!"

The younger man shouts but there's a lump in his throat that he can't get rid of and it inhibits his shout from being heard. The older man is about to force his lips on Ste's, is trying to lean in but Ste is leaning back, his back bending at an awkward angle and he's blinded by a full on attack, his ears ringing and vision blurring.

The next thing Ste knows there is no longer a hand gripping him and the said man is on the floor unconscious with blood dripping down his nose. Ste doesn't have the time to register it because he is being pulled through the crowd by his bicep towards the emergency exit but the hand that is now on his arm doesn't feel like any of his friends'. It's big and large but Ste isn't with it enough to see or do anything about it.

"Look at me. Look at me. Hey."

He's sitting on a metal step, can feel the cold, textured metal under his bum and there's a warm hand on his face, a strangers hand but he feels comforted by it because this stranger saved him.

"Hey. Look at me. You're okay now. Breathe with me okay?"

Ste's vision begins to clear and his neck starts to function, actually starts holding his head up properly now. There's a man in front of him, a good looking man but he's a little blurry. Ste can hear his breaths and he starts to emulate them, can feel his erratic heart and sharp breaths begin to slow to a normal pace and as he comes round, zones back into normality, this man's face gets clearer. His blue eyes are what Ste notices first, so blue that he feels like he's drowning just by looking into them. Then it's the moustache. So 70's. He's never seen one like it but it suits this guy, whoever he is.

"Breathe with me that's it. You feel a little better?"

The stranger asks. That accent. _Irish._ It's smooth like silk and oddly calming and Ste feels _okay_ around this man already, feels safe. That voice is making his head feel like it's been packed with cotton wool.

"Yeah. Yeah I'm—I'm okay. I need Benny though. Where's Benny?"

"Is he your friend? I saw you sat with a few people. I think he's inside. Just stay here and breathe a little slower for me and then we can go back in."

The stranger sits next to him on the step and any other normal person would put their arm around someone who had just had a panic attack but this man doesn't.

"Who are you? I didn't even see you in the club."

"Ah but just because you didn't see me, doesn't mean I wasn't there. I've been keeping an eye on you."

Ste feels a little on edge at that statement, begins to panic all over again at the prospect of a stranger watching him.

"Don't worry I'm not going to stalk you. I saw you in the line as you were coming in, all jittery. I know a man who has panic attacks when I see one. You're pretty brave going into one of the busiest clubs in town."

"Yeah. It's...it's been a while since I've been out."

"I can tell. Good thing I got to you before that guy could force himself on you."

This man is so casual about the entire situation. He punched a man in the face, knocked him out cold and undoubtedly broke his nose with how much blood was streaming down his face.

"How did you know—"

"—I used to have panic attacks all the time as a kid. Nasty things. You seem to have them pretty bad though."

Ste doesn't say anything, just sits there and comes to terms with the attack, breathes deeply and closes his eyes and leans ever so slightly into the man next to him. He likes the feeling of someone touching him. Not intimately as such but he likes feeling secure and touch is one of the ways he feels that security.

"I'm Brendan by the way. Never got a chance to actually introduce myself. It was the plan but that prick got to you before I could."

Ste's eyes flicker open and he realises that this man was intending to hit on him. He draws back a little, gulps deeply and starts to wonder if he dragged him away knowingly from his friends and stopped his attack so he'd be indebted to him.

"You...you were going to hit on me?"

"Well, I'd like to think I'm classier than that but I guess I wanted a little something out of you, yeah. You're a gorgeous guy."

Those eyes have Ste hooked. They're so deep and blue and open and he can't seem to break eye contact, not even for a second. He feels on edge but he feels comfortable as well because, despite Brendan being a stranger, he feels like this man _gets_ him.

"I'd...I'd better go back."

Ste stands quickly, is about to make a run up the stairs and go back to Benny because he's probably wondering what on Earth has happened to him but before Ste can take a step, Brendan takes hold of his hand and stops him from moving.

"Wait—can't I at least get your name?"

Ste contemplates for a moment. This man is nice, is absolutely _gorgeous_ but he wants one thing and one thing only. Sex and Ste isn't ready for that, hasn't had sex for months or even trusted a man to get close to him. This man is no different. He owes him nothing.

"Um—Ste. It's Ste."

He tugs his hand a little, _needs_ Brendan to let go but he doesn't. His grip isn't even tight and Ste could rip his hand away if he wanted but there's a tiny part of him that_ likes_ it, likes Brendan's big hand around his own, palm warm and fingers long. It's like his fingerprints are embedding on his skin because the touch is almost burning.

"_Ste_. Short for Steven?"

The younger man nods, hasn't been called Steven since he lived with his parents.

"Mind if I call you Steven?"

His silky smooth voice and the way Ste's full name rolls off of this man's tongue is enough to make him shake his head like an excited puppy. He likes the sound of his name when Brendan says it.

"Shall we get you back upstairs then?"

Brendan asks after the two stare at each other for a long moment, lost in each other's gaze and the feeling of the their skin touching, warm and soft and comforting.

"Yeah."

Ste walks in front of Brendan, climbs the stairs slowly and breathes evenly, about to re-enter the club.

"Here. I'll go first. Make sure no one bumps into you."

The Irishman stands in front of the Ste, pulls open the door and leads him inside, weaves in and out of people and makes way for Ste as he leads the way to his table.

"You lot lose something?"

Ste hears Brendan say to his friends and then suddenly, Benny is behind him, pulling him into a tight hug and squeezing so hard that the blood circulation to his head is being cut off, the pressure mounting in his brain.

"Where the fuck did you go?! I've been worried sick!"

"Ben—can't breathe—"

The older man let's go but keeps his hands firmly on Ste's shoulder, is looking him up and down to see if anyone has hurt him, assess any damage.

"I searched everywhere. I lost sight of you for a second because of the crowd and suddenly you were gone. God you had me worried."

"I'm fine. Well, I am now. Some guy bumped into me at the bar and grabbed me and I started having an attack but Brendan pulled me away. Calmed me down."

It's then that Ste's friend spots the taller dark haired man stood behind him, chest almost touching the Mancunian's back. He's close enough that Ste can feel the heat coming from the broad, muscular man but not quite the contact that he secretly wants.

"Wow. Umm— thank you for looking after him."

* * *

><p>Brendan appreciated Benny's gratitude, accepted a drink off him and then he left Ste and his friends to it. He took his place over in a dark corner where he's only just visible but Ste couldn't help peering over to the man that had saved him, kept looking over for a split second only to peel his eyes away a moment later because Brendan was staring right back.<p>

His friends could tell that he wasn't invested in their conversation, Benny especially.

"Oi. Go and ask him to dance."

"What? No. No I can't. I can't be on that dance floor. Look at it. It's packed."

"Ste you like the look of him. I know I do. He's gorgeous! Look at how muscly he is. If anything happens I'm sure he can take care of it."

"But I don't want him to protect me. I need you."

It may sound clingy and needy, and maybe like Ste has feelings for his friend but he doesn't. Benny has been there every step of the way when he went through his ordeal and he relies entirely upon him now to keep him together, to protect him. He _needs_ Benny in his life more than he needs anyone else.

"I'll be right here. Don't miss an opportunity like this."

That's just it isn't it? All of this fear and apprehension and tension and paranoia is causing him to miss every opportunity that passes by and Brendan is one of those opportunities. He doesn't have to snatch him and claim him but he can get to know a man, he can befriend a man. That's what he needs. Friendship and trust. He _needs_ to trust people again but it was all ripped away so suddenly and it seems so difficult to get any of it back.

"Okay. Okay. But keep an eye on me. Please?"

"I won't let you out of my sight. Us lot will spread out a bit, make sure we can all see you."

Ste gets to his feet and composes himself, can't believe he has been talked so easily into going over to Brendan, a complete stranger. But it feels right, it feels like he's moving from the safety of his friends to the safety of someone else and Ste hasn't felt a connection like this in a long time. Maybe he's just reaching out to the first man he likes the look of. It has indeed been a while since he interacted with any other man so this may be quite normal and nothing may come of it.

He makes his way through the crowd and Brendan watches every step he takes, spreads his weight out onto both feet and leans away from the pillar that he's made himself comfortable against.

"H—Hi."

Ste says upon approach. It's a little quieter here at the back and he can hear people talking around him, hear what their topic of conversation is.

"Hello Steven."

"I—I just wondered if you wanted to dance with me."

Brendan smiles earnestly and unfolds his arms, let's his hands rest in his pockets and shifts back and forth on the balls of his feet, seemingly a little nervous.

"I'm not much of a dancer. I like to watch."

"I can't dance either. But it'll be fun. Maybe I can get you a drink or something to say thank you. For earlier I mean."

"You don't have to do that."

"I want to."

Ste is insistent and after a little persuasion, Brendan takes his offer up and they both head over to the bar. Ste glances around and catches sight of Tanya and she winks, lifts her brows suggestively and Ste laughs it off, knows that they're going to bang on about the Irishman now.

The pair sit and drink, talk idly about nothing. They bring up Benny, talk about how protective he can be and how he and Ste met. They talk about Brendan and why he is here alone but the Irishman doesn't give a lot away. Ste has a feeling that Brendan is only here to pull, to lure a man into bed with his charm and those good looks and those muscles but Ste knows he isn't going to fall for it like many other men would. If anything is going to brew here then it needs to be slow.

It's only when Ste comes back from the toilets, to which Benny followed him and went inside to accompany to make him feel a little more at ease, that Ste's suspicions are confirmed. There's a boy on his stool, young and skinny, brown hair and he's writing his number down on a napkin. He hands it over to Brendan and leaves with a flirtatious look, one that Brendan openly returns and he follows the youngster with his eyes, checks him out from the back.

"Who's that then?"

Ste asks rather bitterly. He doesn't intend for it to come out so venomous.

"Just some kid who wants a shag. Might take him up on it."

"So...you're only talking to me because you want a shag is that it?"

"Well why else does a gay man come to a gay bar?"

Brendan replies sardonically, taking a sip of his whiskey and swirling it around in the glass and Ste frowns, his chest deflating rapidly.

"What's with the face?"

"Nothing. I'm going to dance."

The Mancunian hops off his stool, can feel the bravery and courage in his tummy, and he enters the middle of the crowd, can feel bodies pressing against him all hot and sweaty and sticky and it's a little claustrophobic but he concentrates on the music, closes his eyes and lets himself be taken by it all and he slowly starts to move his hips and sway in time with the beats. The drink has got to him a little but he can still stand up straight, can feel that his inhibitions are still intact and as the songs continue to play, the more sweaty and adrenaline filled he becomes.

Brendan stares at him the entire time and Ste is sure that he sees him adjust his trousers at least once. The Irishman has had enough and despite the fact that he hates dancing, hates that he has no coordination, he sucks up his pride and makes his way over to Ste and tugs on his shirt. Not viciously by any means but he brings the young boy into his body and Ste let's him. He doesn't feel any threat and he does the thing that he hasn't done in such a long time. He wraps his arms around Brendan's neck and actually dances with him, let's himself be circled by Brendan's muscular arms and they press their bodies together, groins and chests and stomachs flushed and it's warm and solid and safe and Ste's heart is thumping with it all, so many sensations and his head is spinning. He's hasn't been this close to a man in so long and it feels so good.

They dance like that for a few minutes, breathing each other's oxygen and staring into each other's eyes and it's all so intense and Ste is starting to find it a little overwhelming. That's when Brendan leans in, intending to kiss him, his hand ghosting over Ste's cheek and suddenly he's shoving the older man away. He can't do _that_. Not yet. He might have just been painstakingly close to Brendan but he can't be kissed or touched intimately in any way. He's too scared and it shows immediately because he's running out of the emergency exit, his heart beating so loud in his ears that he can't hear a thing.

He has to rest his hands on his knees and breathe for a moment but Brendan is right behind him so he doesn't have a moment of thought to himself because he's suddenly being confronted.

"Hey. Hey what was that about?"

"Y—you tried to kiss me."

Ste gasps, suddenly out of breath.

"Well yeah."

Brendan replies with an element of obviousness entwined in his tone. Ste turns on the spot, faces the man that was so close to getting what he wanted but Ste's resolve doesn't just crumble like that.

"I can't. I'm sorry, you might be after a one night stand, a quick fuck or a snog. But you won't get that with me. I'm— I'm not—" he's about to say that he isn't ready but then that would mean letting Brendan into his past and he certainly isn't ready to do that. "—I'm not some sort of sleaze that will fuck a guy on the first night they've met. You might be looking for a sleaze, someone easy but I'm not easy okay? I'm not."

Ste makes it imperative, makes gestures with his hands and he feels like he's panicking again. But one look at Brendan and his calm demeanour makes him feel okay.

"I don't like not getting what I want Steven."

The tone of Brendan's voice is slightly ambiguous. It's laced with a rich and dark undertone but Ste isn't sure if he should be worried by it, if he should feel threatened.

"You want me?"

"I do. But I won't force you into anything."

"S—so you'll...just leave me alone?"

The dark haired man takes a couple of steps closer, enters Ste's proximity but he doesn't feel uncomfortable. He let's Brendan talk, listens to him.

"Oh I don't give up just like that. I like a challenge."

He smiles with it, dark and mysterious and Ste can't help but smile back. He lowers his head in embarrassment, chuckles to himself a little, for what reason he isn't sure.

"I'm not trying to challenge you. I'm just laying it out there."

"I understand Steven. You suffer with anxiety and panic attacks. I guess I shouldn't have expected you to jump straight into bed with me."

"I find it hard to trust people is all."

There's a silence that descends between the two men and they're left with mere inches separating them. Brendan is contemplating on where to go from here. He needs to fuck someone and Steven was meant to be his man tonight. He spotted him coming in with his friends, saw the nerves and the slight tremble of his limbs, the way he flicked his gaze about the room and tried to dodge out of people's way so they didn't touch him. But now he knows that there's something going on with him, something that isn't quite right. Brendan doesn't feel so obliged to persuade Steven into something he might not want to do. There is something compelling about him and Brendan wants to get to the bottom of it all. Ste is a mirror image of what Brendan used to be and that in itself draws the Irishman to him but it isn't just that. It's those blue eyes and those plush, un-kissed lips. That skinny body and the awkward way about him that has Brendan's mouth watering. So many boys are desperate for him but not Steven. He's putting up a fight and sex is nowhere near as sweet when it's so easy to get.

"So what do you want to do now?"

Ste asks, feeling coerced to fill the dense silence.

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

One look at the older man and Ste can see what's going through his head. It's dirty and despite feeling a little heated at the idea, Ste feels a little more uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry. I have sex on the mind."

"I'm not going to give it to you. At least not yet. It might not be for a while. You can walk away Brendan. I'm not holding this over you."

"I already told you Steven. I don't like it when I don't get what I want."

"So you're just going to pursue me and then drop me like a crisp packet on the street when I finally sleep with you?"

Brendan chuckles and steps even closer, barely a whisper between them now. If it were anyone else, any other stranger, Ste would have taken a few steps back by now, would have needed his space back.

"I don't go after just _anyone_ Steven."

"You'll probably get bored."

"I won't."

"How do you know?"

"Because if I were going to get bored or if I wasn't interested in going after you then I wouldn't be standing here now."

Ste's cheeks flush a deep shade of scarlet. Even this is a little overwhelming. Someone charming and handsome is trying to pursue him and he isn't even in a rush. He's willing to wait. Gorgeous men like Brendan, men who get anything and anyone they want don't just wait around.

"How about we do something together? Just us. Like a date?"

Ste suggests, spinning his phone in his hand nervously, needing some sort of distraction to take his focus away from his nerves. He's aiming far too high here. Brendan doesn't really do dates but again, there's something compelling about Steven and he can't refuse.

"Okay. Restaurant?"

"No. Too many people. I can't—no. How about mine? I'll cook us something. Maybe we can watch a film or something. Probably dead boring to you—"

"—no. No a movie sounds great."

Brendan replies with more enthusiasm than Ste expected. Maybe the Irishman is an indoor man and only goes out to get a man in his bed.

"Right. Okay brilliant. What sort of food do you like?"

"Everything."

"Everything?"

"Yeah. Make anything and I'll enjoy it."

"Okay, I'll surprise you."

Ste says with a small smile on his face, can't actually believe that this beautiful man is saying yes to him.

"I'd better have your number then. So I can tell you where I live and that. Benny will probably be in and out though to check on how I am."

He feels the need to inform Brendan that they might be interrupted. Whenever Benny can, he'll take himself over to Ste's to check on him, make sure he isn't rocking back and forth on the floor having an attack. As time has progressed, Ste's attacks have become less frequent but checking up on him is a habit that Benny hasn't broken.

"Sounds like a good friend. Here."

Brendan pulls out his phone from his back pocket and it's then that Ste actually takes note of what the Irishman is wearing. He's in a suit, top buttons of his shirt undone to reveal some of his chest, sleeves rolled up and the material looks like it's fit to burst from the size of his muscles underneath. It makes the younger man gulp deeply.

The pair exchange numbers and Ste sends his address to Brendan so he has it for tomorrow. He's weirdly excited, partly because he hasn't had anyone, apart from Benny and Amy, around his flat in a long while and partly because he is insanely attracted to this man and he's about to spend some alone time with him. Nothing intimate will occur. Ste has made that clear by now and Brendan seems to be okay with it.

"Right well I'm going to head off. I'll see you tomorrow Steven. 8:00pm."

Brendan says, doesn't leave room for deliberation on the time because before Ste knows it he's gone, leaves him standing outside by himself and Ste let's out a breath that he didn't realise he was holding. He's got a date. An actual _date_ and he feels good about it.

He skips back up the steps and finds his friends in the booth, Benny tapping his fingers nervously on the table.

"Hey."

"Are you alright? I saw that you ran out and I went after you but when I looked, you and Mr Irish were talking. I didn't want to interrupt."

"I'm fine. Brilliant in fact. Me and him are going on a date."

Benny's jaw nearly drops and hits the floor, both startled and taken aback by your revelation. He knows how insecure and weary you have been of men.

"A date?! How did this happen?"

He tugs Ste's wrist and beckons him to sit down and elaborate and Ste does so, tells him that he set Brendan out straight and told him that he wasn't going to just crawl into bed with a stranger, said that if he wanted anything from him then he was going to have to work for it. Benny is alarmingly impressed and he tells Ste that he won't interrupt them tomorrow but he'll send hourly texts, see how it's all going. He doesn't want to be left in the dark but then again he doesn't want to he a third wheel and get in the way of things. This is progress for Ste, finally letting a man into his life and accepting a date, expanding on his level of trust. He just hopes that his nerves won't get the better of him tomorrow night.

When Benny drops him home it's almost 2:00am. Ste doesn't have a job at the moment so he doesn't have to worry about waking up early. He used to but when he went through his ordeal he had to quit, his attacks and the panic affecting his work ethic but Tony, his manager and friend, has been letting Ste stay in the flat for free. Tony helped him during his predicament, has been there in many ways like Benny has and as his landlord, he offered the place over to him and Amy when they needed space for Leah and Lucas. But now it's totally free for Ste, has been for nearly 8 months.

Tony told him not to take things too quickly, told him that he could go back to work when he felt ready but unfortunately he hasn't felt ready at all.

Ste brushes his teeth, climbs out of his clothes and throws them in the dirty laundry pile he has gathered by his bedroom door and he pulls on a shirt, climbs into bed and starts playing on his phone and he sees he has three messages.

The first is from Benny.

_Had a really good time tonight. So glad you're finally managing to step outside. You're doing well. Good luck with Mr Irish:) _

The second from Amy.

_I'll bring the kids over tomorrow for a little bit. They're missing their daddy. X_

The third is from Brendan and Ste's heart leaps ever so slightly, a breath getting caught in his throat as he reads and re-reads the words.

_Nice meeting you tonight Steven. Can't wait for tomorrow. You'd better cook up something good otherwise I'll be having you as my main meal. B_

A blush rises in Ste's cheeks. There's a way about Brendan, a wit and a sarcasm and there's an element of filth to him that makes him feel embarrassed. But it's playful and Ste knows there's no harm in it. Brendan is a flirtatious man, he witnessed it first hand tonight and he's tempted to reply with something just as teasing. He hasn't experienced this sort of joke before with a man. He's dipping his toe into an entirely different water and it's all so harmless and light.

_I told you. You're not getting your hands on me. You'd better behave or I'll have to punish you. X_

Ste giggles at what he's sent, feels a bit naughty for continuing the innuendo. A small part of him hopes that Brendan doesn't get the wrong impression. A few moments later Ste's phone vibrates in his hand and his eyes are glued to the screen immediately, eager to see what Brendan has replied with.

_What did you have in mind? A whip? Few chains? A gag maybe? B_

The younger man almost gasps with how vulgar and upfront Brendan is being but he laughs with it, can't help but wriggle in his bed with a new found excitement.

_Brendan! I'll have you know I'm a good boy. Going to sleep now. See you tomorrow x_

Ste tucks himself into bed and switches off his bedside lamp, could easily continue this conversation on but his lids are heavy and he's tired, completely exhausted. As he is about to drift off his phone vibrates on the bedside cabinet and he lifts it to read the text, gets a little blinded by the bright light.

_Goodnight Steven. B_

* * *

><p>Ste hasn't really done much today. He woke up with a slightly fuzzy head so he's had a shower and had some toast, asked Benny to go out and get some ingredients for him and Brendan tonight because he didn't feel up for going out food shopping today. He felt too on edge, pushed the boundaries enough last night.<p>

His friend has done just that, is putting the ingredients and a few other bits and pieces away in the cupboard and Amy is round with the kids. They're staying for a few hours, aren't allowed to sleep over tonight because it's Amy's Dad's birthday and they're all going out. Ste was invited but he turned it down, was asked a few weeks ago and he declined because of his nerves and anxiety but now he actually has plans tonight, he has an excuse.

"Did Ste tell you he has a hot date tonight Amy?"

Benny announces as he puts some cheese in the fridge and Ste gives his friend a look of death, doesn't want Amy to know yet because this entire thing with Brendan could fizzle out into nothing. He couldn't exactly hide it from Benny last night.

"No! A date? Ste when were you going to tell me?"

Amy enquiries, leaving Leah and Lucas to play with their toys on the floor whilst she rises to her feet and plonks on the sofa next to him heavily, sipping on her tea that Benny made her upon arrival, trying to get into her good books no doubt.

"We went out last night to a club. It was all dead scary for me and I had a panic attack but this guy helped me out. Took me outside and helped me to breathe. We kind of hit it off a little and he's coming round here for dinner tonight. It's nothing big."

"Nothing big? Ste this is massive! You went outside and you talked to another bloke. This is brilliant!"

Ste tries not to make a big deal out of it. He just wants to progress and feel relatively normal again and he's hoping that Amy and Benny's support will allow him to do that and who knows, maybe Brendan can help him out along the way too but in a very different way.

"Thanks. I told him straight away that I don't want to rush things and he's being dead patient. I think he might be quite good for me. Well at least I hope so."

He looks to the ground for a second, mesmerised, his mind drifting back to last night and how Brendan's body felt so warm against him. He remembers how alive he felt.

"You've fallen for him haven't you?"

"I barely know him Amy."

"I know but you like him. Even I can see that. Just try not to fall too quickly okay? You need to build up some trust with this guy."

She rests a hand on his knee for reassurance and Ste nods in agreement, knows for sure that this thing that's going on between him and Brendan won't be easy. The main thing holding them back will be his insecurities and his trust issues but he can see something in Brendan that's worth fighting for.

The pair of them watch as the kids play with their toys, perfectly content. Benny joins them and they all have a chat, talk the time away and discuss last nights antics. Ste reveals everything that happened to Amy, fills her in and her mouth hangs agape in pure shock and Benny just giggles in excitement, continues to reiterate that he has a good feeling about Brendan. Ste's friend is quite intuitive and has always followed his gut, knows when a person is good or bad so Ste is sort of trusting Benny's judgement here.

Before Ste knows it, 8:00pm arrives and there's a knock on the door. He looks to it in surprise and grabs at Benny's wrist to glance at his watch.

"Shit! How is it that time already?"

He bounces off the sofa and starts to straighten out the kitchen, panics a little but only because he's isn't organised like he wanted to be. He hasn't even started the dinner yet and the kids are still here, as is Benny but when he glances around he spots that they're packing everything away, acknowledge that it's time to leave.

"I'm so sorry guys. I didn't even realise."

"Don't worry. Just answer the door."

Benny says as he kneels down to help Lucas put his jacket on. Ste makes his way to the door, runs his hand through his hair and takes a deep breath and opens the door. There in the light of the porch stands Brendan, wearing completely different clothes to yesterday. He looks more casual, has a pair of black jeans on that cling to his thin legs, a grey v-neck shirt and he wears a leather jacket that strains a little over those muscles and the intake of breath that Ste took a moment ago is quickly ripped from his lungs.

"Hey."

Brendan croons with a smile and Ste finds it hard to get air back into his body, is stood there smiling like an idiot.

"Hiya. Um—come in."

Brendan steps inside and shuffles past the younger man, their chests brushing because of the small amount of space in the hallway. They both chuckle modestly and Ste leads the way, wonders off into the kitchen where Amy, Benny, Leah and Lucas are just about ready to go.

"Right. We'll see you tomorrow."

Amy says as she stands and whilst she turns, her eyes immediately fall on Brendan. She doesn't have to say anything because Ste knows immediately by the look on her face that she thinks he's fit.

"Come on guys let's go."

She announces awkwardly, leading the kids away and Brendan looks after them, a slight frown embedded on his forehead. He appears confused.

"I'll be right back."

Ste follows his friends and children to the door, kneels down to give them both a kiss and he gives Amy one as well whilst he's there. She wishes him luck and gives him a wink for good measure.

"Who was that?"

Brendan asks as Ste makes his way back into the kitchen to put the kettle on. He has beers in the fridge but he fancies a hot drink right now, the slight chill of tonight's air sending a shiver down his spine.

"The lad is Benny. The girl is my best mate Amy."

"Amy. Are those her kids?"

Brendan enquires, his tone laced with disbelief at his own question.

"Yeah. They're mine too."

"Th—they're yours?"

Ste nods, unsure of why Brendan seems so surprised but then he realises that he completely forgot to mention the fact that he has children. He worries slightly then, begins to question if Brendan will suddenly lose interest in a man who has this much baggage.

"I'm sorry. I should have told you—"

"—No. No it's just...you look so young. Too young to have kids."

"Yeah. I'm 21. Amy is too and she had our Leah when she was 16. Leah isn't actually mine though but why should she miss out on having a dad just because hers left? Bit tight you know?"

Brendan stares down at Ste in awe for a moment.

"That's good of you Steven."

"Not really. She's mine. Always has been and always will be. Doesn't make a difference to me because I love her just as much as I love Lucas."

There's a slight pause, a silence that is only filled with the sound of the kettle boiling. It's not awkward by any means but Ste feels the needs to say _something_, get the conversation going so Brendan doesn't lose interest.

"I have kids too. Both boys but they live in Ireland with their mum."

The Irishman mumbles quietly, almost like he feels obliged to share his story about his children. Ste says nothing, let's him continue if or when he wants to.

"Haven't seen them in a while. Eileen, my ex wife, caught me in bed with some guy, her nephew actually. Kicked me out straight away and I moved over here."

"Wow. That's one way to come out, getting caught at it."

Brendan chuckles, folds his arms and leans back against the kitchen counter casually and Ste does the same.

"It was a bad thing I did. I shouldn't have hurt her like that."

"I bet you're happier now though. Being free and all that. Getting to be who you really are."

"Yeah. Things are better this way. I can have sex when I like, with who I like. I don't have to sneak about to do it. I don't have to feel this horrific guilt that I used to feel every night as I lay beside her. I don't have to lie anymore. Feels great. I just wish that I could see my boys more often."

The Irishman seems a little lost then, like he's drifting in a sadness that he can't escape. Ste can't imagine what it'd feel like being so far away from his children, not being able to see them often. He'd yearn to be close to them, to hold them and give them kisses at night and read bed time stories.

"Right well there's beers in the fridge. Help yourself. Unless you want a coffee or something because the kettle's boiled. Thing is though, I was too busy yapping to Amy and I haven't even started dinner yet so make yourself comfortable."

The older man smiles in appreciation, strips himself of his jacket and Ste politely takes it from him, hangs it up on the hooks by the door and Brendan helps himself to a beer from the fridge, takes himself into the living room and slouches on the sofa.

"Nice little place you've got."

"No way. It's a bit of a shithole really but it's home. Me and Amy used to rent it out but she lives with her parents now. My friend is the landlord. He let's me live here for free."

"Free?"

Ste suddenly chews on his tongue and clamps his eyes shut, didn't intend to tell Brendan about his easy home life. He regrets it immediately because now Brendan is questioning him.

"Yeah. He owes me a favour."

He laughs it off and Brendan just hums, seemingly convinced and impressed. Ste gets started on dinner then, throws some pasta into a pot, fills it with water and starts to boil it, chops up onions and peppers and carrots and throws it all into a pan together and let's it simmer, adding all sorts of seasoning and freshly made sauces. He likes to get experimental in the kitchen, will try all sorts of crazy things. Cooking takes up a lot of his time, especially seeing as he has nothing else to do with his days. It also helps him calm down if he feels a little stressed or panicked.

Brendan has the T.V on, is flicking through the channels and sipping on his beer and Ste watches him subtly from the kitchen, looks over his shoulder and smiles when he sees that the dark haired man is still here, in his flat, with him.

It doesn't take long for Brendan to become curious. He can smell the food cooking from the kitchen and he too spies Ste from where he's sat. He looks just as beautiful from the back as he does from the front, finds it cute that Ste is tilting his head from side to side as he cuts up his vegetables.

"Something smells good."

"Yeah that'll be me."

Ste replies, snorting to himself, finds his answer to be extremely humorous. That is until he feels Brendan behind him, his chest almost pressing against Ste's back, and he's leaning in, inhaling a large breath and letting out a subtle moan.

"Yeah. You do smell good."

Brendan drawls and Ste pivots on one foot, is met by the Irishman's chest and he has to take a minute step back, feels a little inundated by how close Brendan is.

"Thought I told you to behave yourself?"

The younger man challenges, lifting his brows and placing his wooden spoon on the side of the counter as he reaches back and turns down the heat on the stove.

"I'm trying my hardest Steven but you're driving me nuts."

"Well, if you're lucky, maybe I'll give you a kiss sometime."

"If I'm lucky?"

"If you're lucky. Yeah."

Ste smiles, pleased with himself. He sort of likes how they're making light of his insecurity, playing on it almost. Brendan isn't being forceful with it, isn't trying to make Ste feel guilty or indebted in any way.

"I look forward to that kiss."

"I bet you are."

Ste is about to turn and get back to his cooking but Brendan wraps his hand around Ste's wrist, stops him from making the full rotation and the touch comes as a shock to him, makes him jolt. He still isn't used to people touching him, doesn't like it when they grab him when he doesn't know it's coming.

"I mean it though Steven. I won't force you into anything. I know I'm making a joke about how desperate I am to have you but if I'm moving too quickly then please tell me. Give me a slap on the wrist and I'll pull back because the last thing I want is to make you feel uncomfortable."

The sincerity Brendan's voice is enough to make Ste's heart leap. No man has ever considered his issues in such a way, thought about them and really taken notice of them. Most men think about themselves but not Brendan. He's kind, considerate, is making Ste feel more secure about himself.

"You're not moving too fast. I'll hold you to that though, that slap on the wrist."

The older man lets out a huff of laughter, strokes his thumb over the bone of Ste's wrist and let's go, his touch leaving a trail of burning on the younger man's skin.

"Go and stick a film on. Anything you like. Dinner shouldn't be too long now."

He's trying to remain casual about this, doesn't want to over think anything he says or does because then he'll get flustered. He wants to make an impression but he doesn't want to be fake with it all.

Brendan has put something on, a film that Ste isn't sure he's watched before but he doesn't particularly pay attention to it, is too focused on his cooking. Within 15 minutes everything is cooked to Ste's liking. He dishes it up, takes care with his presentation. He's never been one of these people to simply throw things on a plate.

"Here you go."

He hands the bowl over to Brendan and sits next to him on the sofa, takes care in making sure that there's a set distance between them. If he is going to push any boundaries tonight then he wants to make sure he does it slowly so he doesn't freak out. Brendan has left the ball in his court now and every choice, every move and everything that happens between them is down to Ste.

Both of them tuck in and invest in the film but before Ste can even get into it, Brendan groans loudly from beside him and for a moment he's worried that he doesn't like the food he's prepared but when he looks over, Brendan's face is a canvas of pleasure. His head is resting back against the sofa and he's chewing slowly whilst smiling in delight.

"Is it okay?"

"_Okay_? Steven this is incredible."

"Really?"

"Yes. Oh my god."

Ste watches as Brendan hoovers the bowl of pasta down in a few mouthfuls, is stunned to see the sort of appetite he has.

"There's more if you want it."

Brendan is straight there, is spooning the rest of the pasta into his bowl and eating at it before he's even sat back down. Meanwhile Ste has only made his way though half of his serving. Brendan is right, it does taste good but Ste has never really been very confident with his cooking skills. He's never blown himself away with what he's made.

"Jesus. You got that down you quickly."

"A man needs to eat. That was top notch."

The younger man turns his head away and blushes. People have complimented his food before but not in the way that Brendan is now.

"You're just saying that."

"No I'm not. That was better than most of the pasta dishes I've had in top quality restaurants."

Ste blushes again but doesn't respond, instead finishes off his food and takes his and Brendan's bowl into the kitchen, washes them up and leaves them on the draining board to dry before taking his seat back. He doesn't pay attention to the film, can't particularly concentrate on it when he can feel the heat of the man sitting next to him. Ste's sofa isn't very big so there is very little space between them and he keeps glancing over at the dark haired man, can see his hands resting flat on his knees and Ste is so tempted to cross that line. It'd probably sound pathetic to anyone else, like a pitiful tale of an eleven year old plucking up the courage to hold their boyfriend's hand. But to Ste this is a big deal and it's a small, slow gesture and something inside of him loosens because he's reaching forward and suddenly he has his hand on Brendan's. The older man is looking across at him, his expression illegible.

"Will you hold my hand?"

Brendan doesn't reply, just stares Ste down and glances at his hand then focuses on his face.

"This probably sounds really stupid to you but to me it's—"

Before Ste can finish Brendan is threading his fingers through Ste's, locking them firmly together, palm to palm. He doesn't take his eyes away from the Mancunian's for a second and when he sees the shock and relief on Ste's face, he smirks, his eyes wide and kind and he almost looks proud of Ste for making this massive move.

"It doesn't sound stupid at all."

Brendan replies and Ste willingly shuffles just that little bit closer so their hips and thighs are touching, closes the gap between their bodies. It's not an intimate touch but it's enough for Ste to get a little hot under the collar. Brendan doesn't try anything with it though, just welcomes it and he rests both his and Ste's hands in his lap as they watch the rest of the film together.

* * *

><p>The film they watched was a little shitty but to be honest, neither Ste or Brendan could focus on anything apart from each other. Ste's hand was pleasantly burning from the Irishman's touch and Brendan couldn't stop glancing at Ste's gorgeous profile. That slight upturn of his nose, those beautifully long lashes, structured jawline and prominent Adams apple. The sight of him made Brendan's mouth water.<p>

It gets to about 11:30pm when Brendan thinks he should leave. He doesn't want to over stay his welcome. They're both stood opposite one another just outside of the flat, the door slightly ajar, Ste's foot in the gap to make sure it doesn't close otherwise he'd be locked out.

"So after all of this tonight. D—do you want to see me again? It's cool if you don't."

Ste doesn't want Brendan to feel pressured into seeing him just because he's a little messed up. He doesn't want anyone's pity. He wants honesty and patience in a man.

"Of course I want to see you again."

Brendan replies with conviction, not an ounce of doubt in his tone. Ste feels a lot happier than he should, thinks that if the Irishman had turned him down then he'd have shed a few tears. He's becoming dangerously attached to this man, is doing the complete opposite of what he should be doing. He's falling far too fast.

"When did you want to hang out again?"

Ste asks as he picks nervously at the skin on the side of his fingernails.

"Tomorrow? I have the night off from work and because you made me a gorgeous dinner, how about I make you one? Return the favour."

The younger man hasn't been to anyone else's house for a long time. He feels too much comfort in his own home but he's pushing more and more boundaries every day. He doesn't see why he can't go to Brendan's house. He'll have to receive hourly texts from Benny, will feel more secure by keeping in contact with him. If he feels a little overwhelmed then Benny will come and get him.

"Yeah. I'd love that. I'll get Benny to walk me to yours."

"Okay. Well, I'll see you tomorrow then."

Any usual date would end with a kiss or a hug but this just ends with a smile. But that is enough to appease Brendan. He respects that Ste has come a long way tonight, asking him to hold his hand. When he suffered with anxiety he hated it when people touched him so he knows how difficult it is to get over that first hurdle.

As Brendan walks away, he has a quick glance back, just one more look, and he sees Ste punching the air in victory. It's enough to make him chuckle and shake his head and he feels this insane happiness as he makes the journey home. The one thing he is slightly apprehensive about is tomorrow night, because he can't cook for shit.

* * *

><p>Thankfully, Benny agrees to walk Ste to Brendan's house. Benny usually agrees to most things and has gone out of his way and dropped most things to go to Ste's aid so he owes his friend a lot. They're walking along the road now, have been walking for about half an hour because Ste still can't get on public transport. He just feels like he's trapped in a big metal box with lots of other people invading his personal space, leaning into him accidentally. He can't handle that.<p>

"So how did it go last night with Mr Irish? You never said."

Benny asks as he shoves his phone back into his pocket after thumbing out a message to Amy. They're spending the night together with the kids and Ste feels a little weird about it but he's just going to leave them to it. All three of them spend time with each other so even if they did get into a relationship nothing would really change.

"It went so well. It was a little awkward in the beginning because he saw the kids and I had to explain that they were mine. He was a bit shocked and that but then he told me that he had kids too but they're in Ireland. He loved what I made for him as well and I—I held his hand."

"You held his hand?! No way! Ste that's brilliant!"

"I don't know what made me do it. I just reached out and touched him and I asked him to hold my hand and he did. At the end of the night I thought he was going to try something but he didn't. He just smiled at me and walked away."

Benny smirks cheesily, evidently happy for his friend because he knows how much of a big deal this is becoming.

"I told you he was good for you. What did I say?"

"You told me he was good for me."

Ste's friend loves being right, loves watching his predictions unfold.

It doesn't take them too long after that to get to Brendan's house. They're in a completely different part of town though and they feel incongruous to everything and everyone they see. This is the posh area, the part where people have more than one fancy car, massive glass windows, a garden out the front. Both Benny and Ste are in awe of it all.

"What number did he say he lived at?"

Benny asks, his mouth hanging open as he peers through people's gates and spots the freshly cut grass of their front gardens. He spies the sports cars that drive past them with envious eyes and gets all giddy like an excited teenager.

"36."

"It's this one here."

Both men stop outside of one of the houses and gawp up at it, feel slightly intimidated by the beautiful exterior. There's a silver Mercedes parked outside, not a fleck of dust or a scratch to be seen.

"I didn't know this guy was rich!"

"Neither did I."

Ste replies with an element of dread. He knew Brendan did well for himself but he didn't think he was seeing a rich man. It makes him feel uneasy because someone as rich and influential as Brendan wouldn't want someone like him on their arm surely. He's a council rat whose only talent is cooking. He can barely spell properly because of his dyslexia, something Brendan still doesn't know about because the autocorrect on Ste's phone makes him seem far more literate than he actually is.

"I don't know if I can do this Benny. Look at all of this. I don't fit in here."

Ste takes a few steps back, is getting hot and flustered and he has to rip his jack off to cool himself down a little.

"No. Ste no. You _can_ do this. Brendan likes you and he's expecting you. Just because you come from a different part of town doesn't mean that you don't deserve a man like him. You're going to walk in there and you're not going to let his money phase you. He doesn't want it to phase you."

The younger man nods in agreement. If he can start seeing a man after what he went through then he can go into a large fancy house and not let it distract him. He knows he isn't with Brendan for his money and Brendan knows that too.

"Okay. Yeah. Okay. Don't forget to text me. Every hour."

"I won't. Now go and get him."

He plucks up the courage and walks to the front door slowly, looks back at Benny a couple of times and he gives him a reassuring look and an eager smile. Ste smiles back nervously, is trembling a little as he raises his fist to knock on the door and it feels like he waits forever for Brendan to answer.

The Irishman is wearing casual clothes again, has a vest top on this time, a black one which he wears with black jeans. The first thing Ste spots is those muscles. They're massive and toned and on his right arm there's a large tattoo of a cross. Ste has never really liked tattoos but this one suits the older man.

"Hey. Come on in."

Ste enters the house hesitantly, doesn't know what to do with himself when the door closes behind him. This house is gorgeous. It's sleek and minimalistic and classy. The main colour code is black and white, some cream and grey here and there. The living room is huge, probably the size of Ste's entire flat. There's a plasma T.V on the wall, a large grey sofa in front of it with two arm chairs next to them, a glass coffee table in the middle. Behind is a little dining area which leads into the kitchen presumably.

There's a set of stairs in front of him, cream carpeted without an ounce of dirt on. They lead to the landing that's almost like a balcony, separating left and right, most of the rooms visible from Ste's spot by the door.

"Wow. Your house is huge."

He says in awe, jaw nearly brushing the ground.

"It is what it is. Follow me. I'll get you a drink."

Brendan leads the way through the living room towards the kitchen and it's three or four times bigger than the one Ste has at home. There's a little island in the middle with a bowl of fruit on and Brendan's car keys, a few newspapers scattered about.

"Beer okay?"

"Yeah. A beer is fine. Thanks. By the way, you've got something boiling over on the hob."

Ste notices it immediately, makes his way over and turns it down as Brendan pulls out some beers from his huge fridge and rests them on the island.

"Jesus Christ."

He curses as he turns the hob off completely and removes the pot to let it cool down. There's marks on Brendan's wrists, prominent against his pale white skin and Ste reaches out to take hold of his hand and pull the older man towards him.

"What have you done here?"

He asks, running his thumb ever so slightly over the marks.

"Burnt myself. You have the skills of Gordon Ramsay where as I can't cook for shit. I don't even know why I agreed to do any of this."

He makes fun of himself and laughs and takes a sip of his beer, shakes his head in embarrassment and leans against the counter. He has a few plasters around his fingers too and Ste can only presume that that's from cutting himself with a knife.

"Anyone can cook."

"Not me Steven. I burn water."

"I'm sure you don't. Come on I'll help you. It doesn't look like I can salvage any of that though. Whatever that is."

Ste peers over into the pot, can't really make out what has been thrown into it but it's definitely over boiled.

"Honestly, I don't know what I was trying to do. I haven't got anything in."

"Well let's have a look."

Ste takes himself over to the fridge, has his chef head on now. He knows his way around a kitchen, knows that he can make something with scraps that normal people wouldn't even think about using.

"Well look you've got some chicken, a couple of peppers, half an onion—" he roots about in the cupboards and pulls a few things out that he thinks he can work with. "—and you've got noodles, some spices. I can whip up a stir fry with this lot."

"I knew there was a reason I had my eye on you."

Brendan says flirtatiously as he sips on his beer, a grin on his face that makes a blush rise in Ste's cheeks.

"Shut up you. Now get dicing this onion and try not to cut yourself. I don't want blood in my food."

"I'll try my best chef."

"If you're lucky I'll make you a pudding as well."

"If I'm lucky?"

"If you're lucky."

Brendan does as he's told, gets out a chopping board and makes a start and he manages to finely dice the onion without cutting off his fingers. Ste is doing all of the main bits, has cubed the chicken and sliced the peppers and is frying it all together with some spices and herbs and they make a relatively good team. Brendan can't really say he's enjoying it because he hates cooking but he likes having Ste here.

"Your hob is so much better than mine."

Ste says with envy, flipping and stirring all of the ingredients in the pan skilfully and sprinkling some salt over the top.

"Well maybe I'll hire you as my personal chef and you can use my hob whenever you like."

"Sounds good."

The pair smirk at each other and Brendan decides to watch what Ste does from then on. He isn't trying to learn from it because no matter how many times he tries to cook something it always ends up burning or being over cooked or he almost sets the house on fire. But he likes to watch the boy do what he loves to do. Ste pokes the tip of his tongue out in concentration, cuts things up with such speed that Brendan wonders how he doesn't slice his fingers. He's in his element.

"Right. That's done now I think."

Ste says as he gives everything in the pan a final stir. Brendan pulls out some plates from the cupboard and rests them next to the hob so Ste can dish it all up. Brendan's stomach is growling and he starts eating before he's even reached the sofa.

"Oh my god. You've got a magic touch or something. This is incredible."

He groans as he sits heavily on the sofa and shoves in another mouthful. Ste sits beside him delicately and twirls some of the noodles onto his fork, swallows it down and smiles because he's pleased with what he's made. A pretty good meal from so little.

"Yeah it's not bad."

"Steven. You need to be a chef or something."

"I used to be a chef."

"_Used_ to be?"

Ste regrets saying it, locks his jaw together and chews on the inside of his lip apprehensively, is annoyed that he let his big mouth run away with him. This is the third time they've met, their second date and already Ste wants to spill everything. He doesn't want to lie but he can't pour his heart out yet. Brendan can see the younger man's scepticism, turns on the sofa and brings one of his legs underneath him so he can face the Mancunian.

"Hey. It's okay you don't have to tell me."

"No it's just—I did used to be a chef. It's not that I quit or anything. I had—like—an accident. I guess. I don't really want to go into it."

"That's okay. At least I now know the reason why you can make an orgasm in food form."

"Brendan!"

Ste shoves his elbow against Brendan's bicep and curls his neck in embarrassment to which the Irishman simply huffs a laugh and shovels another mouthful of stir fry into his mouth.

"What do you do then? Must be something pretty good. You live in a castle."

"Just business. I own a few nightclubs."

"Bloody hell. You must be rolling in the dough."

"Money isn't so important to me anymore. I mean sure, I earn a good living but what's the point in having all of this stuff if I have no one to share it with?"

"You live alone?"

"Yeah. I have a sister who visits sometimes but she lives in Ireland with her husband. My boys have been over a couple of times. I've got a friend who's been over but she normally lives in America. So it's just me most of the time."

In a way, Ste feels sorry for the dark haired man. Ste knows a few people, has always had friends around him and his kids and he used to have people over all of the time. He couldn't imagine being as alone as Brendan seems to be.

"How are you alive?"

"What?"

"Well you can't cook so how on earth do you keep yourself fed if it's just you?"

Brendan snorts as he finishes off his stir fry, is trying to slip that final noodle onto his fork because he wants to devour it all and savour that beautiful taste.

"Take away. Or restaurant food. But I've got you now so maybe my kitchen will actually get used."

"It's nice to know you only see me as your own personal chef."

Ste replies bitterly, his tone laced with an element of humour. He's had enough of his stir fry, has never really been a big eater so he offers it to Brendan and the older man hoovers it down like he normally does.

"No Steven you're more to me than that."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You're a fine piece of ass as well."

The Mancunian pulls a shocked expression, is astounded to see that the more they get to know each other, the more flirtatious and sexual Brendan becomes.

"You are something else. You're so—"

"—Charming? Gorgeous? I know Steven, you don't have to tell me—"

"—No you're irritating."

Ste says as he too turns to face the Irishman fully, crossing his legs in front of him. The sofa is incredibly soft and Ste definitely makes himself comfortable, plumps a few of the pillows behind him and leans back against them

"Irritating? Well if you didn't like it you wouldn't be here now."

The dark haired man casts a lustful look, a smirk visible in the corner of his mouth and it draws a smile from Ste and his resolve crumbles. He's giggling away to himself and snorting because he can't keep a straight face.

"Right. Are we going to go and make a pudding then or what?"

"Do we have to? Can I just sit here and you go and make it for me?"

"You lazy bastard! Come on, get your ass up."

Ste gets to his feet and offers his hand to Brendan and the older man takes it, threads their fingers together and they walk side by side to the kitchen. Ste starts to root though the fridge and the cupboard again whilst Brendan sits on the counter, swinging his legs back and forth.

"Jesus you really don't have anything in. Nothing to make a pudding anyway."

"Oi I thought you were a chef? You're supposed to throw a load of crap into the oven and pull out a three tiered cake."

"I might be a chef but I can't shit miracles. Especially if your cupboards are bare."

Ste's shoulders slump in disappointment. He fancied making a cake or a crime brûlée or a soufflé. Something sweet.

"Hold that thought."

Brendan hops off of the counter and makes his way over to the freezer, starts pulling the drawers out and shoving them back in when he realises they're empty.

"I've got ice cream? Cheryl left it here when she visited a couple of weeks ago. Fancy a bowl of that?"

"Yeah sure. But next time we'll make something. I'll bring the stuff over myself if I have to."

Brendan spoons the ice cream out of the tub and splits it into two bowls, serves up a mountain of the stuff but it's chocolate and that's Ste's favourite flavour so he doesn't complain. They make their way back to the sofa and Brendan turns on the T.V, keeps the volume on low so it only acts as background noise.

"What's your favourite dessert to make?"

Brendan questions as he sucks on the ice cream sat on his spoon, chewing on the odd chocolate chip that he gets after it's melted.

"I don't know. I like to make everything."

"See that's good because I like to eat everything. We are so compatible."

"How can you eat so much and not be a tubby?"

Ste asks seriously as he digs away at his ice cream and lets it melt in his mouth.

"I work out a little. Go for runs and stuff. I have a little gym out the back with weights and what not. Got to look good haven't I?"

"Of course you do. Seems like you have everything."

"I've got most things but not the important things that a man needs."

"Like what?"

Brendan contemplates for a moment, unsure of whether to continue on with this conversation. He doesn't want Ste to feel pressured, make him feel obliged to please him. He just wishes that he had what Ste had. Friends to be around and kids to see regularly.

"I don't know. I wish I had a man to love, a man to come home to. Friends that are around a lot of the time. I wish I had someone to look after and have them look after me. You know, like you have with Benny."

Ste doesn't at all feel overwhelmed by Brendan's declaration. He too wishes he had a man to trust, a man to cherish. He wishes he had a man who showed him he loved him every day.

"Benny? Me and Benny are just friends—"

"—I know you are but he has your back all the time. He's there for you when you need him. I don't have that. My sister is in Ireland, my closest friend is in America. Don't get me wrong, I like being alone sometimes but I wish I had someone that dropped everything for me."

The younger man isn't sure how to react but he gets a strange yearn to be that man for Brendan. He wants to be the man he comes home to, wants to be the man that can look after him.

"See Brendan, you might be all hard on the outside but you're like a little egg."

"An egg?"

"Yeah. Tough outer shell but on the inside you're all soft and gooey."

Brendan pulls a displeased face and shakes his head vigorously but Ste just chuckles, leans forward a little bit into the older man's space and gets comfortable next to him.

"Steven you've got some ice cream on your face."

"What? Where?"

Ste wipes around his mouth consciously, doesn't want to look like a messy eater. He uses his hand to try and wipe anything away, looks to Brendan to confirm if he's gotten rid of it.

"No—right—there."

Brendan runs a dollop of ice cream down the side of Ste's face and the younger man hisses in shock as the cold dessert starts to melt and drip down his cheek. He turns slowly, his mouth shaped perfectly as an 'O', can't believe that the dark haired man could be so childish.

"You bastard. Get it off. It's so cold."

The Irishman can't stop laughing, is throwing his head back and slapping his hand against his knee at the sight of Ste's appalled face.

"Okay wait, come here."

He uses his thumb to gather the melted ice cream off of Ste's cheek and he sucks it into his mouth, licks around the edge of his thumb because he can't let something that delicious go to waste.

"You're a sod. You really are."

The pair focus on the T.V for a few moments, watch whatever day time rubbish is on and it's then that Ste feels his phone vibrate in his pocket.

_How's is all going. Are you alright?x _

It's a text from Benny, checking up on Ste just like he asked.

_It's going so good. I'm fine. I'll text you if I need you.x_

He tucks his phone away after he's pressed send, leans into Brendan a little more and finishes off his ice cream. He's tempted to get his own back but he resists the urges, instead leaves his empty bowl on the table and talks the rest of the night away.

* * *

><p>Ste didn't think his life could change so much within the space of three weeks. He and Brendan have talked every day, whether that's over the phone or by text or actually seeing each other and he feels <em>happy,<em> truly happy for the first time in what feels like forever. He's developing that trust slowly, has had Brendan over twice since the first time and he's cooked more food, had it worshipped by the dark haired man. Ste has been over to Brendan's twice as well, has forced him into cooking something, attempted to teach him the ways to becoming a chef but it was during that time that Ste realised that Brendan really doesn't have a lot of luck in the kitchen. He's truly terrible.

Benny has tried to keep out of their way but he's been asking for all of the gossip when he's popped round to Ste's to check on him, something that Ste still needs. Seeing Benny makes him feel safe and reassured and Brendan has respected that as well, has made an effort with him whenever they've coincided.

Today is Ste and Brendan's first date out. The younger man has decided to take the plunge, feels ready to venture back out into that big wide world and show it who is boss. Brendan told him that he didn't need to feel obligated to go out because he was happy with what he was getting. He liked the private nights in, the hand holding, the cooking, the laughs and the casual talking. But Ste wanted to be adventurous, feels ready and he's going to have both Brendan and Benny by his side.

"How do I look?"

Ste asks, giving himself a once over in the mirror and swiping his hands down his shirt to rid of any dirt or dust.

"Gorgeous. As ever."

Brendan is accompanying him to the club today rather than Benny. His friend will be meeting them both at the club with the others and they all plan to have a night out together but knowing the way Ste and Brendan have been with each other lately, they'll want some private time. Ste isn't sure if he is ready to introduce the two separate parts of his life, wants to spend a little more time solely with Brendan to see if this is going anywhere, otherwise what's the point? So far, he definitely feels that it's going somewhere.

"You're quite the charmer aren't you?"

"I try."

Brendan smirks arrogantly and he leans against the door frame that leads into Ste's bedroom. He hasn't invited himself in, thinks it'd be rude to do so because this is Ste's space and he doesn't want to invade it. This entire 'slow but steady' thing is driving him insane. He wants Ste _so_ badly, wants to run his hands over that body and cherish him in the ways he deserves to be cherished, kiss those lips and grab that fine ass and run his lips over that fluttering pulse point. His mouth waters with it all and he has to ball his fists up and chew on his tongue sometimes to control himself.

"Right. I'm ready. Keep hold of my hand though yeah? Don't let me lose you."

"I won't let go unless you ask me to okay? Now come on."

Brendan holds out his hand and Ste reaches out and takes it, threads their fingers together and they make their way out of his flat and walk to the club. It feels natural, holding hands with Brendan. It's no longer such a big deal and they've been out in public like it, have been stared at of course but with Brendan next to him Ste finds the ability to ignore it.

When they get to the club Ste finds himself to be a little daunted because it's far busier than it was the last time they were here. People are pushing and shoving their way in and for a moment he doesn't think he can do it but one squeeze of Brendan's hand gives him strength, he knows he's looked after and the Irishman practically acts as his body guard and gets him through the crowd without injury or even a touch from another person.

Ste can see Benny and Tanya and Zoe and Tyler, all gathered in a booth. They must have come a little earlier to secure it so they make their way over and everyone is delighted to see Ste but some seem a little taken aback by Brendan's presence.

"Ste! How are you doing? Did you get in alright?"

Benny enquiries as gets to his feet and hugs his friend gently.

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"Good. Alright Irish?"

Benny and Brendan shake hands. Ste wouldn't necessarily say they're friends but both men make an effort with each other. Benny gets along with everyone but Brendan is more reserved, is more lonely and selective when it comes down to who he trusts. It's not that he doesn't find Benny pleasant but he wouldn't say they a have a friendship brewing between them.

"Good thanks Benjamin."

"Eurgh do you always do that?"

"What?"

"Call people by their full name? You do it with Ste too."

"Force of habit kid, get used to it."

It's Brendan who gets the first load of drinks in, is insistent upon it and he says to Ste that he wants to make an effort with his friends because if they're important to Ste then they're important to him too. The two men segregate themselves a little within the booth. Brendan sits at the end and Ste is nudged in close to his side. Brendan has his arm leaning along the top of the booth but if he could have his way then he'd have it hanging over Ste's shoulders. They're making idle chatter, separate from the rest of the group and they're innocently flirting and Ste is digging his elbow into Brendan's ribs when he says something dirty that makes colour rise into his cheeks.

"Right I'm just going to the toilet. Will you come with me?"

Ste announces as he lightly taps the Irishman's lap.

"Yeah sure."

The pair make their way down stairs and Ste does what he needs to do, has Brendan waiting outside of the cubicle for him, tapping his foot mindlessly to pass the time.

Sometimes when Ste feels too anxious he can't even pee properly. His body won't allow him to which is why he needs people to go to the toilet with him so he feels reassured and so he can do his business. When moments like that happen, when his body stops him from being able to do the simplest of things like pee, he feels extremely embarrassed, can be in a toilet cubicle for ages trying to calm down just so he can take a piss.

He washes his hands after flushing, has a slight obsession with feeling clean as well. He can be in a shower for hours on end, will wash and re-wash his hands if he gets dirty outside. The only time he doesn't feel so bad is when he gets food on his hands.

"Ew look at that."

Ste grimaces as he looks at himself in the mirror.

"What?"

"My lips are cracking. That's gross."

The younger man pulls out some lip balm and rubs it over his lips, moisturises them delicately and pushes his lips together and he flicks out his tongue to get a taste of it because he has always loved the flavoured ones. They're the only ones he'll buy.

"That's weird. My lips don't usually get chapped. Still, this lip balm tastes lush."

Ste licks his lips again to emphasise his point and he catches Brendan staring in the mirror, hands forced into his pockets and an evident lump in his throat. He seems to be struggling to swallow.

"What flavour is it?"

Brendan asks out of curiosity, his voice a little croaky and obstructed.

Ste feels ready now, ready to take that next step. He can gradually feel the doors open inside him, feel the walls beginning to crumble and he feels secure enough to let Brendan in just that little bit more. He lowers his gaze and turns, leans back against the sink and takes a deep breath, wants to feel all of the tension and apprehension leave his body before he agrees to do this.

"Do you want to find out?"

He asks, fiddling with his fingers and he looks over to the older man who is still stood by the door, an entire rooms length away.

"Sure. Pass it here."

"No you mong. I didn't mean it like that."

Brendan's face remains blank and slightly confused and Ste let's out an agitated breath because he doesn't want to have to physically spell it out to him. Just as Ste is about to brush it off and hand the lip balm over, realisation spreads across the Irishman's face.

"Oh. You mean like...are you sure?"

"I think you've stuck around long enough to be worthy of a kiss."

"_Worthy_? Well this had better be a good kiss."

Brendan replies darkly, smooth and sensual and he pushes himself away from the door, slowly stalks towards Ste, scrapes his feet across the floor and comes to a stop when he is a metre away, his hands still shoved in his pockets, body a little tense.

"Well I hope I don't disappoint you."

"Steven—" he steps a little closer, enters Ste's proximity and Ste can feel the older man's breath against his face, smell the mint from his gum mixed with the scent of whiskey "—you have done nothing but amaze me."

"You're so soppy."

"I'm telling the truth."

"Well shut up with the truth and kiss me before I change my mind."

Ste might make light out of it but he is worried that his decision will change. He may feel confident now, feel ready but within the space of a few minutes that can all change.

Brendan steps closer, raises his hand as if to touch Ste's cheek but he freezes before doing so, contemplates for a moment because he isn't sure if this action will be taking it too far—"Can I?"— he asks and Ste nods, threads his fingers through Brendan's own and presses it to his cheek, indulges in the feeling of the warm hand against his face and he leans into the touch and closes his eyes and he _treasures_ it.

It's Brendan who closes the distance. He presses his lips gently to Ste's and the younger man lets it happen, kisses the Irishman back and the sensation of a kiss hits him hard. He'd forgotten how amazing it can feel but with Brendan it feels like he's been smacked over the head with a hammer. He feels dizzy, feels sick, feels sparks and fireworks erupt in his chest and he let's out a small whimper when their lips break apart. He hasn't had enough of it, wants more and he's pulling on Brendan's jacket to bring him closer, forcing their lips back together with a clash of teeth. Ste is the one being rough with it, is breathing harshly between each break and is pulling on Brendan's clothes and scratching at the back of his head and neck and Brendan is just taking it. His hand is still on Ste's face, the other wrapped securely around his waist.

They've never had contact like this before. Never touched each other's faces, never had their bodies pressed together so hard, have never been so frantic with it all but the ball is still in Ste's court and this is how he is playing it.

The harshness begins to slow when Ste feels like he's come to terms with the different sensations and feelings and soon enough he's kissing Brendan more gently, is starting to laugh with it all, completely overwhelmed. He's shocked at what he's done and how rough he was and how he lost control so easily and suddenly Brendan is questioning him.

"What's so funny?"

"It's classy isn't it? Our first kiss in some club toilets."

They both chuckle breathlessly into the little air that's between them, foreheads pressed together, fingers still locked in hair and arms still wrapped around waists.

"Is it raspberry?"

Brendan enquires, stroking his thumb back and forth over Ste's prominent cheek bone, his skin silky smooth and spotless.

"What?"

"Your lip balm. Is it raspberry?"

"Oh. No it's cherry."

"Cherry? No I don't think—" Brendan kisses Ste again, small kisses between his words "—I didn't get—" kiss "—the cherry—" kiss "—in there wait—" instead of a final kiss the Irishman sucks on Ste's bottom lip and runs his tongue across it, a daring move but Ste breathes sharply with it, his grip on Brendan's hair tightening and he's closing his eyes, whining as Brendan let's his bottom lip slide through his teeth.

"—oh. There it is. I got it."

"You're a cheeky git."

Ste prods at Brendan's belly with his finger and kisses him again, their lips locking more gently and sliding in sync and there's the smallest brush of tongue, just enough to satisfy and test the waters but not enough to be invasive or dominating. They're both still a little breathless, are heaving in breaths but are unwilling to break apart.

"I'm not going to be able to stop now."

The Mancunian whispers as he caresses the hairs on the back of Brendan's neck with his fingertips, an honest and bright smile lighting his face. He doesn't feel so heavy or dense anymore, feels the complete opposite and he's relieved as well because that was a big deal for him. He wonders why he didn't take the plunge before, didn't pluck up the courage and kiss this man sooner.

"I don't mind."

"Thank you for being so patient with me."

"Steven be quiet, you don't have to thank me for anything. I respect that you've had a tough time and something, I don't know what, has made you afraid. But I don't care about that, I care about you and you can trust me okay? I'm willing to take it slow. I don't want you to do anything just because you think it'll make me happy. I'm not the one that matters—"

"—you matter to me. No one else has even tried to understand me, understand what's wrong. You're different. Three weeks ago I wouldn't have even touched another man and now look at me. You're changing everything."

Ste kisses Brendan again, just a small, meaningful kiss that sends the sparks flying again and they remain in each other's arms for a minute or two, just want to revel in the heat and how close they are to each other.

"Shall we go back up?"

Brendan asks but Ste shakes his head. He wants time alone with Brendan, wants more time to kiss him and hold his hand and be wrapped up in his arms.

"No. Let's go back to mine yeah?"

"If that's what you want."

That's what they do, take themselves upstairs and tell everyone that they're planning to go even though they haven't been at the club for very long but they seem to understand. The busyness of the club is making Ste feel a little anxious anyway so they all say their goodbyes and the pair make their way back to Ste's flat.

They have a few beers together, sit on the sofa with the T.V on quietly in the background, and they keep themselves locked at the hand, want that contact one way or another. It's Ste who makes the first move towards Brendan, one hand on his face and the other on his shoulder and they kiss for what feels like hours.

It's so pitiful. They're like teenagers snogging on the sofa but they don't care because every second that they're attached at the mouth counts. It's precious to them and it's sealing a deal and it's opening Ste's mind up to other possibilities and those thoughts don't even scare him any more. They're a little daunting to think about but he doesn't completely dismiss them.

"It feels like I've waited forever to kiss you."

Brendan huffs, staring into Ste's coral blue eyes and getting completely lost in them. It must have driven him crazy, especially seeing as he is a man who gets everything he wants on demand.

"Was it worth the wait?"

"Of course it was."

"Well maybe...soon, when I'm ready...we can go one step further."

"Steven I told you that we can wait. I don't care how long it takes."

Brendan is constantly reiterating that they don't have to do anything out of haste and Ste feels secure enough to know that Brendan won't drop him like a lead balloon. They both kiss for a while longer, lightly pull on one another's hair and let out strangled groans but aren't rough enough to set Ste off in a panic. He can feel that Brendan is trying to control himself, feels the tension in his body and the hitching of his breath as they break apart for air.

"It's okay. Brendan relax."

"I'm trying. Steven you're turning me on so badly."

The younger man has already acknowledged that, can see the boner growing in Brendan's jeans and in a sick and twisted way he's enjoying this, likes driving the older man crazy, practically begging for him but if it came down to it right now he doesn't think he could go through with anything like_ that._

"Steven stop for a sec. Stop."

Brendan touches his hand to Ste's chest in order to push him a way, not hard but he just needs some space to calm down a little bit. He doesn't want to lose control around the younger man, doesn't want to be blinded by his sexual frustration.

"I'm sorry."

"No don't be sorry. I just don't want to lose myself is all. I don't want to freak you out."

"I'm so bad. Working you up like this and then saying no—"

"—Steven be quiet. Yes, I like sex but _you_ are more important to me now. I've told you, I don't care how long we have to wait. When you're ready I'll be here. If you're not ready, I'll still be here."

The Mancunian is getting stressed because he just wants to please Brendan, wants to make him happy rather than string him along like he is doing now.

"I wouldn't blame you if you went off with someone who'd give you what you wanted."

Brendan is getting agitated with the younger man. He might need to stop the kissing sometimes if it all gets too much, if his sexual hunger rises to dangerous levels. But that doesn't mean that he's going to go off and seek someone to satisfy him. That'd be so easy and it wouldn't be satisfying.

"Spending time with you, kissing you and holding your hand and talking to you is worth too much to me to throw away for some easy guy that I could lure into bed with wink. I'd rather go months without sex and have you, than not have you and get sex five times a day."

It's only been a few of weeks and already things are so serious. Brendan has never felt like this for a man before, has never really wanted to stick around and get to know a guy because he's found no one worth staying for. He's found that they're good for an easy and a quick fuck but that's all those guys have been to him. A fuck. When he first met Ste he wanted a shag but he quickly got addicted to him, to his attitude and his looks and his stupid laugh. He found that they were on a level and they understood each other in ways that no one else could comprehend.

Ste has fallen head over heels and he admits it. It might not be love as of yet but he is definitely beginning to depend on Brendan. Everything is so intense. He is trusting this man more and more everyday, opening up to him, likes being with him and is excited to see him when they're apart. He feels a little nauseous sometimes when they're not together.

"I'll get there. One day I will I promise."

Ste says as he runs his hand down the side of Brendan's face and neck, his fingers curling into the material of shirt to pull him closer.

"I know you will. Let's just not think about it okay? Let's not plan anything. We'll let it happen. Even if we start doing stuff and you don't feel comfortable then you will always have the power to stop it. I don't want anything to happen unless you're feeling 100% ready."

Brendan leans further across the sofa and tilts his head, cups Ste's face in his hand and he kisses him gently yet passionately and he drags the tip of his tongue along the bottom of the boy's lip, makes him whine and tug on his shirt and he's trying to get his hand inside the material, is popping the first couple of buttons and Brendan lets him do what he wants to do. It isn't much. He just opens the shirt up a little and runs his hand over Brendan's bare chest and along his collar bones and up and over his shoulders but even though it's a small touch, Brendan enjoys is. He moans into the younger man's mouth, knew that he'd love the feeling of Ste's hands touching him in this way but now that it's actually happening it's ten times better that what he had imagined.

Even when Ste is touching him intimately, Brendan doesn't take it as an invitation to do the same to him. He'll touch him in certain ways when Ste asks him to but for now, they just sit on the sofa, Ste's hands on Brendan's upper body, stroking and clawing and Brendan keeps a hand on Ste's neck and lets the other rest on his hip and they kiss until it's time to depart for another night.

* * *

><p>Ste is at home, doing what he normally does. Absolutely nothing. He's had a little play around with some ingredients in his flat, thrown some stuff together in a pan and cooked it and put it in the fridge so he can have it later if he wants it. But other than that it's been a pretty boring day. Benny is working, Amy is at home studying and her dad has taken the kids out today. All of his other friends are in lectures at university so he has no one to fill his day.<p>

Brendan is at work too, doing his usual business, attending meetings and sorting out promotions and hosting parties and writing rota's no doubt.

It's been a month and a half since they've started seeing each other. Ste hasn't tried to push any more boundaries as of yet because he wants to become fully comfortable with what they're doing now. He can kiss the Irishman, he can tongue him, he can climb on top of him and kiss him or be underneath Brendan's heavy, muscular body. He'll let Brendan touch his bum on special occasions, when he's lucky, and he'll even go to grab Brendan's bum without feeling awkward. The physical contact is a lot deeper and more flirtatious and full on but Ste likes it. Brendan is one of the few that he can allow into his personal space and he doesn't get jittery or nervous anymore when Brendan makes a move without him knowing.

Ste takes himself to have a shower, makes himself feel fresher and cleaner and stays under the water and scrubs himself until he feels clean. He used to be a lot worse with his sense of cleanliness, would use a scourer to clean himself and at times he'd exit the bathroom bright red. His skin would become so irritated that it physically scabbed over. But ever since his anxiety has begun to calm down, his desperation to feel clean has subsided slightly as well.

He gets changed as soon as he's dried himself, climbs into something comfortable rather than casual, some tracksuit bottoms and a baggy t-shirt doing perfectly. It's only when he finishes putting on some socks that there's a knock on the front door.

No-one ever usually comes to see Ste in the middle of the day. He approaches the door quietly, doesn't want to make a sound in case there's someone he doesn't know on the other side of the door. As he looks through the peep hole his chest deflates with relief.

"Jesus Brendan. What are you doing here?"

Ste asks as he opens the door.

"Finished work early and I've got nothing else to do so I thought I'd come and visit."

He says as he makes his way past the younger man and gives him a small kiss on the lips.

"You could have texted me. I started getting all jittery wondering who it was."

"Sorry. Thought I'd surprise you."

"You definitely surprised me. How was work today?"

Ste questions as he crosses over to the kitchen to flick the kettle on. Brendan follows him in, wraps the boy up in his arms and leans back against the counter, pulls Ste between his legs and lets his hands rest in the back pockets of Ste's tracksuit.

"Same old, same old. Consisted of the usual meetings and deliveries. Nothing interesting. Yours?"

"I've been so bored. Just gotten out of the shower. Haven't got anything planned for the rest of the day so I can get Benny to drop me to yours later on if you like? Steak and chips and maybe a soufflé for after?"

"God that sounds good but— I have another idea. Now, you don't have to say yes okay? This is just a suggestion but how about I take you out tonight? There's a new restaurant open down by the river, rated one of the best in town."

The Mancunian is slightly taken aback. There's usually a lot of people in restaurants but he's been to a nightclub several times so he's sure he'll be able to handle it.

"Yeah. Yeah go on then that'll be lush. I don't have a lot of money on me though. If it's the best in town then it's got to be dead expensive."

"I'll pay for it."

"Brendan no. I can't accept that."

"Yes you can. You've made a shit load of food for me and it's been the best food I've had in ages. So let me take you out to say thank you, for feeding me."

Ste sighs heavily as he runs his hands up and down Brendan's arms, eventually linking them behind his neck and leaning in to kiss him on the mouth in gratitude.

"You're a stubborn old man aren't you?"

"Oi—" Brendan slaps Ste's bum with the palm of his hand, cups it perfectly so there's a relatively loud clap and he keeps the round globe of the younger man's ass in his hand, fancies a little grope. "—Less of the old."

"You are old. I only found out last week that you're 35. 14 years old than me. I'm practically going out with a granddad."

"You're a cheeky little bastard. If I am such a granddad then why haven't you called things off? Have a thing for older gents do we?"

He pretends to ponder, is pouting and tilting his head from side to side and looking Brendan up and down.

"I only have eyes for one oldie at the moment."

Ste says as he pulls away from Brendan and starts to make them both some coffee. He was alarmed when he found out that he took three sugars in his coffee, was baffled that this fit, muscular man isn't the size of a house seeing as he has a massive sugar in take and gets regular takeaways.

"You look good when you've just got out of the shower."

Brendan drawls as he circles his arms around Ste again, this time from behind and he rests his head on the younger man's shoulder, watches him make their beverages.

"Why thank you."

Ste replies modestly, resting his head against the side of Brendan's face as he pours the hot water into both of their cups and spoons in the sugar, adding the milk last and then giving it a quick stir. Both men take a seat on the sofa and sit in silence as they sip at their coffee's.

"I can't stay for too long. Got to get home and sort the place out. Total tip."

"How can it be a tip when you live by yourself?"

"I don't know. I'm sure half of my stuff just throws itself on the floor. Besides, we can have that steak, chips and soufflé tomorrow at mine. Sounds too good to turn down completely. I'll finish this and then I'll be off."

"I don't want you to go. You only just got here."

The younger man pouts in disappointment and upset, takes Brendan's coffee out of his hand and rests it on the floor and climbs into his lap, almost clamps himself to the Irishman so he can't go anywhere.

"You're not allowed to go."

"Steven I have to. I'll see you later on."

"No."

Brendan sighs in exasperation and shifts to the end of the sofa. Ste isn't heavy at all and Brendan knows he can lift the boy with ease. In one swift moment he's on his feet, Ste held tightly in his arms, both hands underneath the younger man's thighs to support him. Ste clings on like a monkey as Brendan bends down to pick up his coffee and finish it, making his way to the kitchen to put the cup in the sink and then he's walking to the front door, is still carrying the boy in his arms.

"No! Brendan you can't leave."

"Come with me then. But I can guarantee you that you'll get bored so easily. I'm going to be tidying Steven, nothing interesting."

"Okay I'll go and grab some clothes."

Ste lets go then, touches his feet to the floor and practically skips to his bedroom to pack some relatively smart clothes for tonight. He pulls on an old pair of trainers, slings his back pack over his shoulders and unhooks a random jacket off the back of his door before making his way back to Brendan who is stood patiently by the sofa.

They leave together, climb into Brendan's warm car and drive back to his house. It saves the 40 minute walk that Ste usually has to make. He's been in Brendan's car a couple of times, likes the soft seats and the heating and the smell of it and the leg room. It's so comfortable.

Brendan felt a little bad making Ste walk all of that way so he's started getting into a habit of driving to Ste's to pick him up and bringing him back to his house seeing as the younger man is too anxious to climb into a taxi. He doesn't mind though. It's not a particularly long drive.

Ste dumps his backpack on Brendan's large sofa when they walk inside, can see what Brendan means when he says that the place is a bit of a tip. There's magazines scattered about, plates and cups and beer cans on the sofa and coffee table. There's a load of washing up to be done so instead of leaving Brendan to do all of it by himself, Ste decides to make himself useful and help the older man out, loads the dishwasher with all of the dirty things and switches it on, gathers the magazines and papers and stacks them neatly and leaves them next to the sofa. He wipes down the surfaces whilst Brendan hoovers and within half an hour the place is spotless.

"You seriously didn't have to do that for me Steven."

"Well I couldn't just leave you to do everything. That's mean."

Brendan hums in gratitude as he circles the Mancunian with his arms, planting a long and delicate kiss on his forehead before lying down on the sofa. Ste snuggles beside him and they kill time and brain cells by watching crap T.V shows.

* * *

><p>The restaurant is absolutely beautiful. It takes Ste's breath away and he's completely speechless as he and Brendan are lead to their table, a private little corner tucked away from the more central and busy areas. There's a candle on their table, two glasses, a selection of cutlery and a bottle of champagne in an ice bucket which Brendan has reserved especially for them. Everything is beautifully laid out and the waiters are wearing smart attire. He's never been to such a posh place in all of his life.<p>

"Jesus Brendan this place is gorgeous."

Ste whispers, leaning across the table and out stretching a hand to rest it on the top of Brendan's for a moment.

"Just like yourself."

The older man winks and picks up a menu, reads all of the options and decides what he is going to have and he flicks his gaze over to Ste after a minute or two, is confused as to why the younger man has a frown embedded on his forehead. For a moment he thinks that Ste might not like anything on the menu.

"What's wrong?"

He asks as he strokes his foot against the side of Ste's leg under the table.

"Nothing—I just can't—I don't know what—" he sighs in annoyance, lowers his menu and peers around him to make sure no one is listening in "—Brendan I'm dyslexic. I can't read or understand half of this."

The Irishman is taken aback, didn't realise that the boy struggled to read and understand complex vocabulary. Sometimes he's very articulate with his words so he's probably confused Ste on numerous occasions.

"Oh. Why didn't you say?"

"Because I didn't want you to think that I'm stupid."

Brendan huffs out a laugh, is shocked that Steven could actually believe he'd think that.

"Steven you can't help having dyslexia. I don't think you're stupid at all. You're a smart man."

The boy blushes, doesn't believe Brendan when he says it but he appreciates the sincerity and certainty of his voice.

"Here, I'll read it out."

Brendan does just that, reads everything out on the menu but he doesn't feel the need to explain what they are to Ste because he's a chef and the Irishman can see that he knows what the majority of these dishes are because he's nodding ever so slightly and saying '_Oh okay_' when he's pointing to them and saying it out. To be fair, the spellings and posh jargon was something that Brendan himself struggled with when he started coming to places like this so he can only imagine how difficult Ste finds it.

"You understand them now?"

Brendan asks, is willing to go through it all again if Ste needs him to.

"Yeah. Yeah I get it. Some of those have dead weird spellings don't they?"

"I guess they do yeah. So do you know what you're having?"

"Might go for steak. Can't beat a bit of meat can you?"

The Irishman is tempted to reply with an innuendo. It's on the tip of his tongue but he deems it as slightly inappropriate, knows that Ste will be absolutely horrified if he makes a sexual reference in such a posh place.

"I might go for that too."

When the waiter comes over to them both men order the same, but Brendan being Brendan orders some sides because he doesn't think he'll be full by the end. They sit and chat and sip on champagne and they flirt harmlessly, accompany it with the smallest of touches that draw blushes into Ste's cheeks.

The Irishman likes it when Ste turns shy, finds it adorable because the blush always rises to his ears and they turn blood red. He's always tempted to nibble on his ears when that happens but they haven't made a move for each other in that way yet.

"I've never been anywhere like this before. Just look at those prices! How do you afford to come here often?"

Ste asks, is looking over the special's board and gawping at the steep price tags.

"I've done alright for myself. The thing is though, it's kind of boring being here by myself unless I'm on the pull."

"You better not have been on the pull since you've been with me."

"_Been_ with?"

Brendan questions. He's not totally sure what he and Ste are to each other. He knows that they're 'seeing each other' but he's only got eyes for Ste, doesn't think he'll be turning his back on the boy any time soon unless Ste tells him to.

"Well...we're sort of together aren't we? Unless...you don't want to be together..."

The younger man lowers is gaze, plays with the bottom of his glass and attempts to dig at it nervously.

"No. I want to be with you Steven."

Brendan knows he wants this. He hasn't really been in a relationship before, a gay one where he likes the guy and likes being with him and gets butterflies when he kisses him. But he has that with Ste and he can't throw that away. All he's had with men is meaningless fucks and on more than one occasion he's hung about for longer than necessary, just because he knew he could get sex with the click of his fingers.

"So you and me. We're—like—official?"

"I guess you could say that."

Ste's face lights up and he has to lean across the table to grab at the back of Brendan's head and pull him in for a mildly tongue filled kiss. The Irishman groans with it, kisses Ste back gently and there's a slight delay in opening his eyes after Ste has pulled away. His lips are tingling and they're moist and the butterflies in his stomach are slowly beginning to rest when he settles back in his seat.

The restaurant isn't that busy so neither man has an issue with kissing each other. They're in the corner of the room and everyone else is too busy talking to each other and eating and sipping wine.

"You know what this means?"

Ste asks as he licks his bottom lip and tries to hide his flustered expression.

"What?"

"You're my boyfriend."

"Oh god Steven."

Brendan chuckles at the younger man, finds it funny that he's acting like a loved up teenager.

"You are. I've never had a good boyfriend."

"Aw. Well I'm glad I can be the good boyfriend that you desire."

"You are a proper good boyfriend. Driving me around and coming to see me after work and taking me out for posh meals. I think you're a keeper."

"I think I am, yeah."

The pair lean over to kiss each other again, just a quick peck on the lips.

Their food arrives shortly afterwards and Brendan completely devours it all within five minutes, is munching at his side of freshly made onions rings when Ste is still working on his steak. The boy is groaning after every mouthful, has never eaten anything so delicious and flavoursome in his entire life.

"This is the best steak I've ever had."

He moans as he tips his head back a little and chews gently, revelling in the juices and the pepper and salt. It's making his jaw tingle.

"We'll come back again soon."

Brendan says with a mouthful of onion ring, polishing them off and using them to mop up the last of the peppercorn sauce on his plate.

"Yeah definitely."

"Especially if the food is making you pull that face. I must say I'm a little jealous that a steak can make you look like that but I can't."

Brendan drawls flirtatiously, his eyes fixed on Ste's face. He's pulling an expression that makes Brendan a little hot under the collar, his face a canvas of pleasure. The Irishman is looking forward to evoking that same expression using a very different technique.

"Oi. Behave yourself."

Ste hisses as he gently kicks the older man under the table. It ends in a game of footsie, both of them stroking along each other's feet with their own and attempting to ride the other's trousers up with their shoes. It's ridiculously romantic and Brendan has never been like this with any man. It's usually sickly to him, the idea of being romantic and soppy but he just can't help himself.

"Right stop. I've got to go toilet. Too much champagne. I'll be back in a minute."

"You need me to come with you?"

"Umm—No. No I feel good. I'll go on my own."

The Mancunian says as he gets to his feet and heads towards toilets. Brendan twists in his chair and watches after him just for his own peace of mind but just as the boy is about to enter the toilets, a large man, roughly in his forties, comes crashing out of the kitchen, ripping his apron off and he shoves his way into Ste, is shouting and cursing and drawing the attention of every customer in the restaurant.

"I didn't want to be a fucking KP anyway! Shove your job where the sun don't shine!"

The man says to the two chefs and, presumably, the manager that comes out after him. This guy looks a little rough, definitely doesn't fit here.

Ste starts to panic, is gripping his shoulder and trying not to lose it but he knows who this man is, knows that husky voice and it immediately puts the fear of god into him. He chokes out a sob, can feel his arm pulsing and the man that collided with him turns, frowning deeply and angrily but his face straightens out when he sets his sight on the young man.

"You."

The man's jaw locks and he lunges for Ste, grabs him by his shirt and pins him against the wall and Ste is full on panicking, is sweating and breathing erratically and his heart is thumping so hard against his rib cage that it feels like it might burst out of his body. He can't see anymore, his vision completely blurred and obscure but he can hear every word this man says to him.

"I swear to god if my boy goes down because of you, I'll kill you! You understand? Kill you!"

"—Gary—"

Ste chokes out between his heaving breaths. He can hear the words but it's mixed amongst a load of white noise, squeaking inside of his ears like nails against a chalk board. The chefs are trying to pull the large man off of him but he's too strong. That is until Brendan reaches him and he smacks the guy across the face, is blinded by his anger.

Ste sinks to the floor and is left having one of the biggest panic attacks he's experienced whilst Brendan follows the attacker to the floor and twists his wrist into an awkward angle, is threatening to snap his bone.

"Get off you psycho!"

"You ever touch him again and it'll be the last thing you do."

He spits, jerking the wrist he holds violently and he hears it crunch. The sound is loud enough for Ste to hear and he somehow manages to get to his feet, is almost blind and consequently he's crashing into every wall just to make his way outside. He throws up when he's out in the street, is having to lean against a wall and cling to his stomach as he is violently sick.

Vomiting and having a panic attack isn't a good combination because he feels like he's going to pass out, physically can't breathe but then an arm wraps around his shoulder and Brendan's voice is in his ear, attempting to calm him down but Ste can't calm down despite how hard he tries.

"Steven it's okay. You're okay now. I've got you. Breathe with me. Breathe."

The younger man tries to see past his fear, attempts to concentrate on Brendan's breaths and emulate them and he eventually starts to get oxygen into his body. He clings to the older man, pulls on his jacket and fists the material and doesn't let go.

"Good lad. Let's calm down yeah? Let's go back to the car and we'll both calm down."

Brendan has to lead him there, is almost carrying his entire weight and by the time they get to the car, Ste's attack has almost subsided but he's hysterically crying now, tears streaming down his face and he's trembling and sobbing and struggling to breathe. He's not just scared of what's happened, he scared of what he heard, what Brendan did.

"Y—you broke his wrist."

Ste manages to say amongst his snivelling and sharp inhales. Brendan sits in the drivers seat, faces Ste and he's clutching the gear stick so hard that his knuckles are turning white.

"I know. I haven't lost it like that in a long time. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. He hurt you and threatened you and it just happened. I barely remember doing it."

It's been a while since Brendan has lost control in that way and deliberately hurt someone. When it happens he loses all of his inhibitions and he's blinded by fury and it's almost like his actions are subconscious because when it's all over, he doesn't remember doing any of it. He knows what he's done but he doesn't remember the details.

"You're not afraid of me are you? I'd never hurt you. Never."

The tears continue to pour from Ste's tear ducts and he's shaking, feels cold with it. He's scared of what Brendan has just done, didn't know he could be capable of anything like that. He isn't scared of him though, is stupid not to be but without him then he'd probably be worse than he is right now.

"I'm not scared of you. I'm scared you what you did."

"I know. I'm sorry."

Brendan truly looks ashamed of himself but even now he doesn't remember doing it despite the fact that it only occurred a few minutes ago. He hangs his head in shame, listens as Ste cries. He doesn't want to ask how he knows that man, will know when Ste feels comfortable enough to tell him.

"Will you take me home? Please."

The younger man says, wiping his nose and drying his eyes only to cry some more. The entire journey home is silent and Brendan hates it, would give anything to break it but he doesn't think Ste would appreciate it if he did that.

When Brendan pulls up outside of Ste's flat, he switches the engine off and sits back in his seat, hands clamped to the steering wheel. He expects the Mancunian to make a run for it, leg it away from him as fast as he can because he's done a terrible thing. But Ste doesn't run.

"Does this mean that—do you not want to see me anymore?"

Brendan mutters, really doesn't want to ask but he feels obliged to present the question. He's terrified of the answer, is shifting in his seat during the pause that follows.

"I want you to stop saying that."

Ste replies as he wipes his nose again.

"You're my boyfriend now remember?"

Brendan's heart jumps and he looks over to the younger man, sees that he's forcing a smile. There is sincerity in his eyes but he still looks absolutely terrified. His eyes are bloodshot and heavy and bagged underneath and his cheeks are bright red.

"Do you still want to be—"

"—Yes. Of course I do. You just can't do that ever again. You can't go around hurting people."

Ste says, needs to make that imperative. He's been surrounded by violence before and he doesn't want to ever go back there again. He needs to live peacefully, needs to feel safe.

"I know that. I know. But whenever someone hurts you or threatens you, something inside of me snaps. I just want to protect you."

The younger man sighs, conflicted. On one hand he likes that he has someone out there who's strong enough to fight off any danger, who can come to his rescue when he needs him but on the other hand, he isn't going to get any stronger and fight for himself if Brendan is going to do it for him, if he continues to get angry.

Ste gets out of the car and heads towards his flat, pulls his keys out from his back pocket to unlock the door and doesn't even look to see if Brendan is following him. He knows he's right behind him.

He heads straight for the kettle when he's inside, flicks it on and starts making them both a coffee but his hands are shaking so much that he can't get a spoonful of sugar into his cup without spilling it everywhere.

"Here. Let me."

Brendan puts his hand over the top of Ste's and removes the spoon from his grip, finishes the job off for him and pours in the boiling water once it's heated.

They drink in silence, blow on their beverages to cool them down a little and don't exchange a word. Brendan feels a little awkward, doesn't know what to do with himself, doesn't know what Ste wants him to do.

"I'm all finished now so—I'm going to—I'm going to go."

He says as he rests his cup in the sink. Ste doesn't say a word, doesn't even look at him and he's about to walk towards the door and leave on bad note but he feels a hand close gently around his wrist. It makes him stop in his tracks.

"Will you stay with me tonight? Please?"

Ste mumbles, lowering his cup and turning on the spot to face the older man. He doesn't want to be alone tonight, is too scared. He wants to be wrapped in Brendan's warm and strong embrace and he wants to feel _him_, smell him, kiss him.

"If you want me to. But that couch is a little small—"

"—sleep with me."

The older mans eyes widen a little, shocked and taken aback. For a moment he thinks he's going to get what he's wanted from day one. But he strangely doesn't feel ready. Yes, he wants sex but this isn't the right time. He too just wants to lie next to Ste and spoon him and kiss him and tell him that everything is okay, he will always keep him safe. Sex is at the bottom of the list.

"No funny business. I just want you next to me. I don't want you to go."

"Okay."

"I don't think my clothes will fit you though."

"It doesn't matter. I can sleep in this."

Brendan says, doesn't care what he wears tonight. Ste leads him into the bedroom, their hands linked and for a moment, Brendan is a little hesitant about entering the room because this is Ste's territory, _his_ space. But he's being invited in and he isn't going to refuse.

Ste climbs onto his bed, lies down diagonally across it and pulls the Irishman down on top of him, wants to feel his weight and power and strength. He unexpectedly kisses him, loops his arms around his neck and threads his fingers into Brendan's thick black hair and just kisses him like it could make or break his universe and Brendan kisses him back with that same intensity. The kiss is fast and passionate and they're kissing and clashing teeth and chewing on each other's lips, sucking them into their mouths and Brendan is starting to lose his head.

He grinds his hips against the younger man, drags his groin up Ste's leg, can't help himself but the boy just gasps with it. Brendan doesn't want to lose himself completely though, is trying to think about what he's doing but his frustration gets the better of him and he grabs Ste's hip just a little bit too hard because the boy yelps and grabs at Brendan's hand to pull it away.

"Shit. I'm sorry. Steven I'm sorry."

He says breathlessly, sitting up quickly onto his knees as he apologises profusely but it's then that he sees the real reason why he yelped. Ste's shirt has ridden up a little and there, beside his stomach on his left side is a scar, four maybe five inches long. It was stitched. Brendan can see the small dotted scars from the stitches when they were taken out.

"How did you do that?"

Brendan asks as he runs his thumb over it. It must still be a little sensitive because Ste wriggles uncomfortably when Brendan touches it again.

"I—I um— I fell on a wine bottle when I was at work ages ago. It cut into me when it smashed."

The older man continues to examine it, touches it lightly with his fingertips and leans over to kiss the raised flesh.

"Please don't look at it. It's disgusting."

Ste says as he covers the scar with the palm of his hand so Brendan can't look at it anymore. He hates the sight of it, can't stand it. When he catches himself in the mirror after he's had a shower or when he is shirtless he physically cringes.

"Steven it's a part of you."

"Disgusting part."

"Shut up you idiot. This doesn't make you disgusting at all."

The younger man seems to disagree, hums and scrunches his face and frowns, but only for a moment because Brendan is then kissing him again, wiping away the contortion and drawing a moan from Ste's chest

They manage to work their way under the duvet without parting, stay connected at the mouth the entire time and settle in each other's arms, slowly kissing one another. It's not rushed or panicked or overly passionate but it is gentle. They're exploring each other's mouths and lightly brushing each other's skin with the tips of their fingers, groaning with appreciation, completely lost in the moment.

* * *

><p>Ste wakes slowly, without a start like he usually does. Most of the time he's waking up in a sweat covered bed, trembling after his sleep paralysis and he often gets horrific flashbacks, at times even wets the bed.<p>

But today Ste has a warm body wrapped around him and a snore in his ear, can feel a light breath against the side of his face and a slight prickle against his cheek. Brendan has an arm around Ste's body, is encompassing the boy protectively and Ste smiles with it as he opens his eyes and turns in Brendan's hold.

The older man stirs, grips Ste just that little bit harder as he comes too and looks about the room, a little confused at first as to where he is but as soon as he sees the younger man staring up at him, he rests back to the pillow and smirks.

"Morning."

Ste croons as he kisses the bottom of Brendan's chin and sneaks a hand up the back of his shirt. The older man is a little hot at this time in the morning and his heat has radiated onto Ste but it's nice being this close to someone in the morning, having a warm body to wake up to.

"Hey."

The Irishman croaks as he closes his eyes again.

"You want a coffee?"

"Yeah please. Sounds grand."

Ste rolls over, is about to rise up off the bed when a stabbing sensation shoots through his side, exactly where his scar is. This happens a lot, mostly when he's getting out of bed but it sometimes occurs when he gets up off of chairs or bends down. His muscle and skin were deeply sliced and the nerves are still a little sensitive but even though he's used to it, it still makes him hiss and clutch at his waist.

"You okay?"

Brendan asks, worried, sitting up and putting an arm around Ste's shoulders.

"Yeah. Yeah I'm fine. Scar is still a little sensitive is all."

"That glass must have cut you pretty deep."

"Yeah. It did. Tony— he thought I was going to sue him. I wasn't but he—he felt bad about—about it all so he offered to pay my rent until I recovered. That's the um...the favour that he owes me."

The older man seems convinced and that's good enough for Ste. He smiles reassuringly and gets up off the bed a little slower this time, stretches and cracks his back and makes his way out into the kitchen to put the kettle on. It isn't long before Brendan is following him out, following the boy's heat because the bed goes cold as soon as he leaves it. He wraps his arms around Ste's waist and rests his chin on his shoulder, kisses gently into the side of his neck.

The younger man gets off on it, is tilting his head to the side and trying to control his morning glory but his frustration gets the better of him. Before he knows it he's lead Brendan's hand down to his crotch, is aiding him with the cupping of his man hood. He wants to be touched, be relieved. The sexual tension is getting too much for him now, not just Brendan and they've spent their first proper night together after two months of treading on broken glass and trying not to over step barriers. He wants to throw all of that away, is being careless.

"Touch me."

Ste whispers as he turns his head towards Brendan to look into his eyes. They stare deeply at each other for a moment, the older man's hand still lightly gripping Ste's semi hard cock.

"Are you sure?"

Brendan asks and Ste just kisses him in confirmation, twists his upper body just right and starts to move his hips and press Brendan's hand against his crotch, grinds against his palm until the older man starts to stroke him through his trousers.

"Just tell me if you want me to stop."

"I don't want you to stop."

Ste gasps desperately as Brendan's stroking speeds up. Brendan pushes his luck, can't get a lot out of touching the boy through this material so he pops the top button on Ste's trousers with his free hand, does so slowly so Ste has the time to stop him if he wants but he doesn't. He unzips his fly and gently pulls Ste's trousers and boxers down over his hips, kisses his mouth with heated passion and lust and the younger man is nervous. Brendan can feel him trembling ever so slightly but he continues none the less because Ste hasn't told him to stop.

The Mancunian wants it and as soon as his trousers and boxers drop around his ankles, he pulls away from Brendan's mouth and leans on his hands against the counter, let's the older man touch him skin on skin and he's rock solid in Brendan's hand.

Everything is so sensitive and it's making him convulse and jolt forward when Brendan swipes the head of his cock with his thumb. He's moaning with it, has his eyes clamped shut and Brendan is sucking small kisses into the back of Ste's neck as he plays with him, working his hand backwards and forwards slowly, up and down Ste's length.

The older man pulls his hand away for a split second so he can spit in the centre and then he continues to jerk Ste off, chews into the side of his neck and sucks on his earlobes and Ste is choking with it, is fucking into Brendan's fist and dropping his head forward with pleasure. He uses his free hand to cup Ste's balls, rolls and massages them with the palm of his hand and squeezes every so often which makes the younger man grunt.

"You like that?"

Brendan whispers in Ste's ear, not in a dirty way but he wants to make sure he's doing this the way Ste likes it. The boy nods, leans over the counter a little and continues to thrust into Brendan's hand.

"Steven say it. Say you like it."

"I like it. I _really_ like it."

He mumbles in reply, almost incoherently. The pleasure has knocked him for six, made his head feel all dizzy and he almost can't stand up straight. He uses Brendan for support, leans back against him and let's him do the rest of the work. Ste just tries to breathe through it, come to terms with all of these sensations but before he can even comprehend them, keep control of himself, his orgasm hits him like a hammer between the eyes. He shoots ropes of white over Brendan's fist and over the counter, is reaching back and yanking on the older man's hair and forcing out heaved breaths and crying out in ecstasy, his knees wobbling beneath him and it's Brendan that has to hold him upright. Ste is swearing and moaning and is close to passing out from the delectable agony, is shaking in Brendan's arms and the older man peppers small kisses over the side of his face, helps him to calm down.

"Jesus you shot buckets."

Brendan says as he milks the last of Ste's orgasm and brings his hand up to his mouth to lick the spunk off his fingers. Ste almost melts with it, is still breathing hard and heavy but he just watches as Brendan tongues between his fingers, has never had anyone lick his cum up before.

He turns on the spot, trousers still around his ankles and and he kisses Brendan on the mouth, the slightest flicker of tongue and he tastes the saltiness of his own cum but he groans rather than recoils.

"How do you cope?"

Ste asks breathlessly, his arms wrapping around Brendan's neck.

"With what?"

"Not fucking me. You get—you know— excited so quickly. How do you manage to control yourself?"

Brendan is slightly taken aback by the sudden question, wonders why that thought suddenly sprung into Ste's head.

"I usually go home and jerk off a couple of times after I've seen you. I'm usually too horny to just let it go down."

The older man snorts at himself, his hands resting on Ste's bare and bony hips. He's never usually satisfied with jerking off, would rather go out and get some willing guy to fuck but with Steven it's all so different. Brendan pictures his body, his face, imagines what it'd be like to touch every inch of his golden skin and it's all so vivid in his head. Sometimes he feels like he could reach out and actually touch the boy. His imagination is enough to send him into a spiral of pleasure. He's satisfied.

Ste smiles in embarrassment, can't believe that the Irishman gets so frustrated over him because he doesn't think he's anything special.

"What do you want to do today?"

Ste asks, the prospect of Brendan leaving suddenly crossing his mind.

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"Oi. Behave. I'm being serious."

"Well, I have work later on so I can't stay long."

Brendan replies with regret. He likes his job, likes what he does and the business he is in but it's so time consuming and he wants nothing more than to spend time with Ste, more time that is.

"How about I make you that steak and chips and soufflé? I can get Benny to walk me to yours tonight."

"Yeah. Yeah okay. I'll get off early tonight. Take this and let yourself in."

Brendan reaches to his set of keys on the side of the counter and unhooks a spare house key from it and places it in Ste's hand. The boy has never been given a key to someone else's house before, feels a huge responsibility seeing as Brendan's house is the most expensive place he's ever been in.

"Are you sure?"

Ste asks as he toys with the key in his hand.

"Yeah of course I'm sure. I trust that you won't steal any of my furniture. Get to mine for about 8:00pm and start things off and I'll get off work and meet you back there, give you a hand with things."

Brendan is so casual about it but Ste can't help feeling a little overwhelmed. His boyfriend is giving him a key to his house and he doesn't know why he feels such a large amount of responsibility and pride but instead of getting flustered by it all, letting the emotions over come him, he takes it in his stride.

"Okay. I'll see you later on then."

"That you will."

Brendan confirms with a smile, peering down and smirking as he realises that Ste's trousers are still around his ankles. The boy blushes and pulls them up quickly, zips up and does the button and turns away shyly.

"If you're lucky, we can do that again later on."

Ste says, sniggering like an embarrassed teenager as he leans back against the counter.

"If I'm lucky?"

"If you're lucky yeah."

Brendan hums, lifting his eye brows and pouting like he can't wait to get his hands back into Ste's pants. He'd do it again right now if he could.

"That's starting to become our saying isn't it?_ If you're lucky_."

Ste mumbles, likes that he has a personal saying with Brendan, something only the two of them understand.

"I'm already lucky."

Brendan replies as he leans in to kiss Ste on the lips for the final time before leaving. Ste kisses him back, holds onto it for as long as he can before Brendan tears himself away.

* * *

><p>It's the silver glint. That's what Ste always sees first, the reflection of light. He may want to deny it, deny that this might actually happen but he knows deep down that it's inevitable now.<p>

He's quivering, is screaming at the top of his lungs but he can't hear his own shouts. His throat is burning with it, as if he's been screaming for hours on end and as soon as_ it _happens, his throat constricts, skin burns and his vision blurs.

"Steven!"

There's a voice. There's never been a voice before but he hears it, distant and faint like it's a million miles away. Ste tries to focus on it, the Irish drawl.

"Wake up! Please wake up!"

Ste's eyes shoot open and the first thing he is met with is Brendan's terrified face. He can feel how hot he is, the sweat underneath his arms and against his back and there's a wetness between his legs that makes him gag. He shoots out of bed because he immediately knows what it is. He can't see, can barely feel the carpet against his feet as he runs to the toilet, gets a little lost at first and it takes a few moments for him to realise that he isn't in his own house. He's in Brendan's.

Ste is crying and trembling and sweating and breathing harshly as he locks the door. He takes a seat against the edge of the bath, his boxers soaked through and he rips them off, throws them in the corner of the large bathroom and starts to scrub himself clean with soap and warm water from the sink.

"Steven."

Brendan knocks on the door gently, his voice soft and full of sympathy and pity. Ste doesn't want any of it, is disgusted and embarrassed and still crying from his nightmare. Even though he knows it wasn't real, the fear still strikes him.

"Go away!"

Ste chokes as he wipes the inside of his legs and uses the rough side of a sponge to clean his skin.

"It's okay."

"No! It's not okay Brendan!"

"Please open the door."

Ste ignores him, continues to clean himself and rid of the sweat. In the end he strips himself of all of his clothes, runs the hot water in the sink and rubs soap all over himself, blathers it into his flesh and wipes it clean until he feels refreshed. Brendan seemingly leaves him alone because he doesn't knock on the door again for another 10 minutes, until Ste turns the tap off.

"It's okay Steven."

The voice works it's way through the door, is calm and collected and soft. Ste takes the towel that's hanging on the back of the door and wraps it around his waist, shivers a little as the water dries on his skin.

The younger man unlocks the door, sees no point in trying to hide in the confines of Brendan's bathroom forever because he'll have to face the Irishman eventually. Jumping out of the window is an option but Ste would rather keep his legs in tact.

Brendan is there, leaning against the door frame, his head pressed against the wall with his arms crossed but as soon as the door opens he composes himself and stands up straight, a little unsure of what he should do.

"It's—"

"—stop. Please just—stop. I _pissed_ the bed Brendan. What the fuck am I? A ten year old?"

"You were terrified. I could see it when you woke up. It doesn't matter though okay?"

"Yes it does! How pathetic can I seriously get? I wet the bed over a stupid nightmare."

"It obviously wasn't stupid if it had the ability to scare you like it did."

Brendan is curious to know Ste's story, know why he is the way he is but he won't persist, has refrained from doing so up to now.

"I'm sorry for ruining everything."

Ste mutters, sinking his head between his shoulders. He feels a little eased at the fact that he didn't wet himself right next to Brendan. He slept in one of the spare bedrooms by himself, didn't feel the need to have the Irishman by his side in the night but he wished he'd taken the option to sleep next to him. Ste's nightmares hardly ever occur when he has someone in bed with him, hence the reason why Amy and Benny sleep over often but he has since felt the need to try and conquer the nightmares by himself.

"You haven't ruined everything. You had a nightmare. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

The younger man thinks that Brendan is only saying all of this to make him feel better, thinks that he's laughing on the inside but he couldn't be more wrong. Brendan understands, had nightmares as a child and wet the bed multiple times, even in his teenage years.

"C—can I sleep with you? Please?"

Ste asks hesitantly, running his hand up and down his arm to try and insulate some heat. The chill of the night air has made goosebumps rise in his skin.

"Course you can. I'll sort the bed out tomorrow. Come on."

Brendan holds out a hand, fingers spread and Ste intertwines their fingers sceptically, let's himself be lead to Brendan's bedroom where the older man pulls out at shirt from one of his drawers and an old pair track suit bottoms.

Ste is still trembling a little, has his fists clenched so Brendan decides to dress the boy himself, pulls the shirt over his head and Ste works his arms into it. The shirt itself is massive but it's the smallest thing Brendan owns. The younger man let's Brendan remove his towel and he steps into the track suit bottoms, has to have them tied tightly around his waist because they too are huge.

"You look like a child in their parents clothes."

Brendan says and Ste snorts ever so slightly, moves into the older man's space to hug him and bury his face in that large chest. Brendan hugs him back, kisses the top of his head and strokes his fingers through his soft hair and they both climb into bed and move into each other's arms so they're constantly touching. Ste finds that physical contact helps him sleep.

He feels at peace now that he's wrapped in Brendan's strong arms, his body close, the sound of his heart thumping gently in Ste's ears. That's the only thing he hears, the only sound that rings in his ears as he drifts back to sleep, the sound of life.

* * *

><p>The first time that Ste does something sexual to Brendan is unexpected. It lands on the four month anniversary of them being together, not that they're counting. It was Benny who pointed it out and to do something to commemorate that, they decided to have a night in, same as usual. Every night that they spend together is special though and Ste is spending more and more time at Brendan's house, partly because he's falling head over heels for the older man and partly because he loves his kitchen.<p>

It's Brendan who has been dishing out the pleasure on Ste but tonight, Ste takes control and after they've finished their meal and let it go down, he gets up off the sofa, takes Brendan's hand and leads him up the stairs. No questions are asked and Brendan just goes with it, let's Ste shove him onto the bed and climb onto him to kiss him deeply.

It's not rushed, not panicked. It's sensitive and gentle and it's a last minute decision that Ste makes.

He kisses Brendan like his life depends on it, moans lightly into his mouth and sucks on his bottom lip, chews down his neck and licks into the dip of the older man's throat and Brendan just lies there and takes it and moans Ste's name in delight. He has his hands on Ste's hips for encouragement, can't help but touch him and gradually, Ste gets lower and lower, unbuttons Brendan's shirt as he travels and kisses down his stomach until he reaches the buckle of Brendan's belt.

"Steven—"

"—shhh."

Ste cuts him off sharply, doesn't want the older man to say a word because he doesn't want to be put off or talked out of it. He wants to do this and he wants to do it now.

He works Brendan's trouser button open, unzips him and pulls his trousers and boxers down, has to yank a little in order for Brendan to lift his hips and aid him. He's a little sceptical, is wondering if Ste is ready for this but he isn't going to let his worries deter the younger man. If he goes through with it then he goes through with it. If he doesn't, he doesn't and that's okay.

Ste hasn't seen Brendan's cock before, has had a few light gropes and strokes but he's never had him naked on the bottom half of his body, spread, ready to take anything that Ste has to give him.

"Jesus. You're so big!"

Ste gasps, his mouth hanging open because of Brendan's size. The Irishman chuckles modestly and looks down at the younger man, his dick hard on his stomach and leaking with pre-cum and he's buzzing with anticipation. Brendan is comfortable with his body so he has no problem lying there with his cock out and Ste between his legs. He's tempted to touch himself but he resists.

The younger man stares for a minute and his mouth waters excessively. He hasn't felt sexual hunger like this in a while and it's caught him slightly off guard. He's sweating and aching just looking up at Brendan, shirt wide open and trousers hanging off the side of the bed, dick hard. His breath hitches.

Ste is delicate at first, has to swallow over the lump in his throat in order to breathe and then he starts licking up and down Brendan's length, his hands rubbing the inside of his thighs and the dark haired man drops his head back onto the bed and let's out a deep breath, grunts at the sensation that he's been starved of for what feels like forever.

The Mancunian teases at first, just licks and circles the sensitive head of Brendan's dick with his tongue and moans at the saltiness of his pre-cum. Then he takes him down his throat, slowly, presses his tongue against the underside and slurps Brendan down inch by inch until he's nearly choking. He tries to control his gag reflex, is getting high off of Brendan's strangled moans and curses and incoherent sentences. He thrives off it, sucks and bobs his head rhythmically and plays with the older man's balls in the process, rolls them in his hand and closes his eyes and revels in the pleasure that he's getting from all of this. Usually Ste is selfish in bed, likes to receive if he ever gives but this is enough to make him cum, Brendan's moans and the feeling of his fingers playing with the thin strands of hair on the back of his head.

"Steven I'm not going to—I won't last—"

Brendan gasps but Ste ignores him, continues to suck and play with Brendan's balls with one hand and squeeze the base of his dick with the other hand and the older man is trembling, writhing and Ste loves that he has degraded him into this mess. A few minutes later the Irishman's dick is pulsing in his mouth and he shoots his load down Ste's throat and Ste takes it, swallows it all and sucks a little more until Brendan is pushing him away because of the sensitivity.

"Stop. Steven stop. Stop. Oh god."

Brendan moans as he bends his knees and tries to stop his hips from jerking. He's breathing harshly and Ste feels smug, starts to work his way back up Brendan's body, planting the odd kiss here and there and then he lies on Brendan's chest, leans his head on his hand and smiles because he's pleased with himself.

"Did I do good?"

He asks as he draws patterns over Brendan's chest with his fingertips.

"You definitely know how to suck a dick."

The Irishman replies breathlessly, his eyes closed and his face a canvas of pleasure. He's spread out on the bed, completely spent and Ste is just smiling and licking his lips and stroking Brendan's toned body as he catches his breath back.

"Brendan."

Ste says as he prods the sexually satisfied man below him.

"Yeah?"

"I want to go all the way with you."

When Ste says that, Brendan's eyes shoot open and he looks towards the boy, a little startled. Ste knows what he wants, knows that he can do anything with this man by his side. He's ready for it, ready for anything and everything, ready for whatever the world has to throw at him. He can face it all and he's never felt so accomplished.

"Not like, right now. But I know I want you to–you know–"

"–Yeah. Yeah okay. Whenever you want to, just say."

* * *

><p>"Benny!"<p>

_"Hey Ste. What's up?"_

"I need you to get here now! I–I'm freaking out and I don't know what to do."

Ste grips the phone in his hand with all of his might and presses it hard to his ear, needs to hear Benny's voice loud and clear so he can try to calm himself down a little and stop himself from rocking back and forth in the corner of the kitchen. He's pacing, chewing hard on his nail and he's starting to sweat and he can feel a panic attack coming.

_"Okay I'm coming now. Stay on the phone to me. Don't hang up. Breathe with me okay?"_

Benny says calmly and Ste does just that, continues to pace and he emulates Benny's breaths as he clutches the letter in one hand and his phone in the other. It was something that he hoped would never come through the post and it took a while for him to be able to read what was on the page, comprehend the technical jargon but after 20 minutes of reading and googling, he finally understood what was happening. The last thing he wants to do is revisit _that_ chapter of his life.

It doesn't take long for the older man to arrive and as soon as the door opens, Ste shoves the letter in Benny's face.

"Read it!"

Benny scans the words on the paper, his eyes widening as he starts to reach the end.

"They're taking you to court."

"Yes! I can't do it Benny! I can't even have sex with my boyfriend so how the fuck am I going to stand up in front of a judge?!"

Ste cries hysterically as he throws his arms in the air in exasperation.

"We knew this was going to happen. You have nothing to worry about though. You have me and Amy and Brendan and the kids. We'll support you and besides, there is no way that a judge will find Andy innocent."

"I can't do it. I can't face him again."

The Mancunian knows deep down that he has no way of avoiding this, may not completely understand the terms of law but he knows that there'll be serious consequences if he doesn't show up but the fear has already started to settle in his stomach, the dread of seeing that psychopath's face again. He's spent so long trying to regain the strength and dignity that he lost and now he'll probably have it all taken away with one look from that man.

"We need to figure out a game plan okay? You're going to walk into that courtroom and you're going to tell the truth because you have done nothing wrong. When you get out of there, me and Brendan and Amy will give you the biggest hug in the world."

The mention of Brendan is making Ste's skin crawl because he's been wearing a mask, hasn't told Brendan the real reason why he's so messed up but he is petrified that if he does, then he'll have to watch the best thing that has ever happened to him walk out of his life for good and he can't physically handle that.

"Brendan doesn't know about Andy."

Ste mumbles as he chews on his lip and digs away at the skin on his fingers nervously.

"What?! You didn't tell him?"

"I couldn't! I didn't want to possibly end things before they'd even begun!"

"Jesus."

Benny says as he rests his face in his hands and sits on the sofa, evidently frustrated. Ste knows he is in the wrong, knows that he should have told Brendan from the start what has made him the man he is but he didn't want to scare the older man away. Brendan doesn't deserve this much baggage in a man.

"What are you going to do? Because despite what I think, this is your choice. You can't exactly hide the fact that you have to go to court for a trial in a month's time."

Benny says in an obvious tone. Ste hates having to make decisions. He wishes that someone would decide for him because it'd make things so much easier but the world doesn't work that way. Ste was a broken man before he met Brendan, thought that nothing would be able to fix him but now Brendan is his glue, is holding him together and every day that they spend together, the more the glue sets and sticks and the stronger Ste becomes and if he continues with this spiral of lies and hiding then that is going to be the very thing that destroys them.

"I don't have a choice do I?"

Ste says regretfully as he comes to a halt in the middle of his kitchen. He looks over to Benny and the older man's facial expression provides nothing reassuring, not even an ounce of empathy. But nevertheless, later on that day, Ste makes his way over to Brendan's house, hovers outside nervously for about ten minutes as he contemplates on whether he can actually do this. He's tempted to turn around and walk back home but he finds the courage somewhere in his stomach, breathes deeply and he knocks on the door. Brendan is pleasantly surprised when he answers, didn't expect to find Ste standing there.

"Steven. What are you doing here? I thought we were meeting at yours later on?"

He says, a little confused. The Irishman has been working out, has a vest top on and some track suit bottoms and he's a little sweaty. The veins in his arms are bulging a little so he's been lifting weights and watching Brendan work out has been something Ste has always wanted to do.

"Yeah. I–I wanted to–to see you."

Ste replies nervously as he pushes back his cuticle on his thumb. Brendan steps outside and moves closer to the boy, places a hand on top of his shoulder and kneels down a little to get a proper look at Ste's face.

"What's wrong?"

Before Ste an even think of something to say, think of a constructive and meaningful sentence, he's kissing the older man ferociously, all tongue and teeth and chewing on lips and he's forcing his groin against Brendan's roughly. This might be the last time he kisses him, might be the last time he sees him because Ste is convinced that once he comes clean about everything, Brendan will walk away from him forever.

"Steven–"

"–bedroom. Now–" Ste speaks and breathes harshly between kisses, is forcing his lips harder against Brendan's and being rougher than he's ever been "–I want you. I want us to go all the way–right now–"

Brendan's head is fuzzy with everything that's occurring, everything that Ste is proposing and he has to pull away from the younger man, grab at his wrists to put an end to his frantic actions.

"–Steven. Stop. I need you to be sure about this–"

"–I am sure. I want you. Now shut the fuck up and take me to bed right?"

Ste says roughly as he shoves Brendan in the chest. He feels weirdly emotional, feels like he could cry but all of that sentiment comes to an end when Brendan forces their lips back together and backs him against the wall. This isn't what Ste had pictured it to be like. He wanted it slow and steady and gentle but all of that has gone out of the window.

They back their way up the stairs towards Brendan's bedroom, don't part at the mouth for a second and when they reach the top of the stairs, the kissing is a lot more gentle and passionate, is slow and tongue filled and their lips are gliding smoothly over each other. It's Brendan that has slowed it down. He knows that if he continues the desperation then Ste will panic.

"Have you got–you know–protection?"

Ste asks sceptically as he runs his hands down Brendan's chest and tries to get his breath back.

"Yeah don't worry. Come on."

They kiss again, make their way into the bedroom and start peeling off each other's clothes without the slightest bit of hesitation. Usually Ste is conscious of his body but he doesn't feel uncomfortable at all, knows that he wants to be naked underneath this man and feel his naked body in its entirety on top of him. Brendan is still a little confused as to what made Ste suddenly want this but he's going to go along with it.

It's Brendan who climbs onto the bed first. He lies down on his back, ushers Ste over with the curl of his finger and the boy climbs on top of him, kisses him deeply and starts grinding their bare crotches together, hard cock against hard cock and the pleasure is almost unbearable for the pair of them but Ste continues it on, gyrates his hips and runs his cock up Brendan's lower belly and the Irishman squeezes Ste's delectable ass, gives it an almighty slap and the boy lurches forward with a gasp, a smirk appearing in the corner of his mouth.

"You kinky bastard. You like a good spanking do you?"

Brendan says as he observes the masochistic pleasure that spreads across Ste's face and the boy just nods, opens his eyes and they're no longer a coral blue. They're black, completely pupil blown and he leans his ass back into Brendan's grip, wants him to do it again and he does, twice as hard this time and Ste actually lets out a cry of pain, the slap stinging his skin but it's making his dick throb even more.

Ste rolls them over, brings Brendan on top of him and they kiss for what feels like hours, their naked bodies rubbing and sliding against each other. Things heat up and their bodies start to glisten with a thin layer of sweat. It becomes so intimate and serious and at times they're breaking apart just so they can look at each other and get lost in one another's eyes.

"Be gentle with me. Please."

Ste whispers as he snakes his fingers through Brendan's hair and the older man stares down at him with a smile.

"I'll go nice and slow."

He promises, sealing his deal with a kiss and the Irishman makes his way down south, sucks on Ste's pink nipples and places small kisses over every inch of his toned stomach. Brendan treasures Ste's body, runs his hands over it gently and he kisses the deep scar that is permanently embedded on Ste's side, wishes he could lick it away. Not because he doesn't like it but because Ste doesn't like it. Brendan wants to give him everything.

When he reaches Ste's dick, he takes him down his throat and completely devours him, doesn't take his time because this is the first time that he's had Ste's dick in his mouth and he's been gagging for it since day one. Now that the time has finally come he doesn't have the patience to tease and make him beg. He wants to taste him, taste the saltiness. He wants to hear the boy, hear him groan and watch him writhe and feel him tremble and he's tempted to go at it until he sucks an orgasm out of him.

Brendan sucks Ste off for a good 10 minutes, closes his mouth tightly around his length and pulls away now and again to lap and suck his balls and Ste is almost crying with how good he feels. He feels like he could cum just from this but he's holding it back.

"Brendan. Please. I want you inside me."

Ste moans as he takes a handful of the bed sheet in both hands and yanks, his forehead slick with sweat and body tingling. He hasn't had anyone inside him for a while and with Brendan being so big, he knows that it'll hurt at the start. He'll need to be stretched.

It's almost as if Brendan reads Ste's mind because a moment later, he's lifting the younger man's hips up so he's rolling back on himself. He wants to look at that hole, all tight and unyielding and practically virginal and Brendan's throat tightens. He swallows deeply, coughs over the lump a little and then he swipes the tip of his tongue over the muscle. Ste gasps, tightens his hole and chews on his lip at the familiar sensation.

"Come on—" Brendan says suddenly as he let's go of Ste's hips, let's him drop and roll onto his back, flat out "—come and sit on my face."

He spits filthily and the younger man has to chew on his lip to try and refrain from losing all of his control. He moves over the bed and gets up onto his knees and he mounts Brendan's upper body, his arse just shy of a few centimetres from the Irishman's mouth. Brendan spreads Ste cheeks and blows against his entrance, watches it tighten and loosen and then he leans up to eat at him. Ste is about to jolt forward, the pleasure all too much too quickly but Brendan holds him in position as he circles his arms around Ste's spread thighs.

"Oh—god! Bren—Brendan—" the boy is mumbling incoherently, has his hands on the older man's stomach and he's digging his nails into rock solid muscle, is trying to stop himself from screaming but he can't help it. He let's out an elongated cry, curses and squeezes on Brendan's head with his knees because it's all too much to handle. That tongue is so persistent, is flickering and lapping and pushing open his hole and Brendan is moaning at the delectable agony, grunting as he eats away at Ste's ass and the vibrations shoot up the boy's spine, make every inch of his body tingle.

Eventually, after what feels like hours of sweet torture, Ste's head starts to clear and he comes to terms will all of these incredible feelings and stimulations and sensations and to heighten it, he moves his hips ever so slightly, grinds down gently against the wet tongue and leans forward so Brendan has better access. It knocks the breath out of him. Ste sees that Brendan's dick is straining, pre-cum beading at the head so he leans over and wraps his mouth around Brendan's dick, deep throats and holds it for as long as he can and the dark haired man grunts loudly, the hot heat of Ste's mouth completely unexpected.

Both men slurp and suck at each other and after a while, Brendan has his fingers inside the boy, is fingering him and sucking on his balls whilst Ste backs against those digits and deep throats the older man. How they haven't shot their load yet, they don't know.

"Fuck back onto my fingers Steven."

The Irishman says breathlessly and Ste does just that, gets back onto his knees and rides Brendan's fingers for a few minutes before he feels the tingle break out in his pelvic muscles. He's off straight away, is squeezing the base of his dick to stop himself from shooting his load but his orgasm dies quite quickly. Brendan doesn't leave room to breathe, just grabs Ste's face and kisses him and they both lie back down, Ste's hole officially stretched and ready and Brendan has rolled his condom on in the time that Ste was trying to starve off his orgasm.

"Are you ready?"

The dark haired man asks genuinely, his arms shaking as he leans over the younger man.

"Yeah."

Ste whispers and he spreads his legs, lets Brendan slip in between and feels the head of Brendan's cock push against him. He's relenting at first, is starting to tremble with apprehension and when Brendan manages to push enough to slip into him, it burns, so much so that Ste squeals and digs his nails painfully into Brendan's back.

"Ow! Stop! Stop."

Brendan comes to a halt immediately, is in about half way and the tightness knocks the air out of his lungs. He kisses Ste's neck gently, listens to his shaky breaths but counteracts it with small and delicate strokes of his fingers through Ste's hair.

"Relax for me Steven. You're okay."

The older man whispers as he continues to pepper kisses of adoration into the side of Ste's neck and face, eventually reaching the boy's lips and as they share a delicate kiss, Brendan feels the tension and apprehension drain out of Ste's body, feels his hole loosen a little around him and he takes that opportunity to slide in a little more until he's balls deep. Ste groans with it, breathes deeply and buries his face into Brendan's neck and the older man slides out, almost all the way but then he pushes his way back in, keeps the pace nice and slow until Ste tells him to speed up.

"You can–you can go faster."

He says breathlessly and at that point, Brendan starts angling his hips to find that perfect little spot. He knows a man's body like the back of his hand and as he rotates his hips in that way, Ste cries out, latches his teeth onto Brendan's shoulder and the older man sniggers to himself. Neither of them are going to last very long so Brendan makes the most of his knowledge and he tries to aim for Ste's prostate with every thrust. The boy is moaning and chewing on Brendan's skin, leaving teeth marks and bruises on him but the older man doesn't seem to mind.

"You okay?"

Brendan asks at one point when Ste drops his head back onto the pillow and his face is contorted in beautiful agony.

"Yeah. Don't stop. My god–don't stop."

He mumbles in reply and Brendan has to concentrate on the words that come out of the younger man's mouth because they're almost unfathomable.

They don't change position, are too indulged in staring at each other and kissing and touching one another's bodies, find that this is so intimate and personal and they're constantly trying to close the non-existent gaps between each other. Ste gets this over whelming feeling, like Brendan has suddenly become his everything. He's his light, his glue, he is the reason that Ste learnt to smile again, learnt to trust, learnt to let people touch him. He's helped with the panic attacks and the compulsion to be clean and he's helped him be independent. Ste's life would have continued to be an absolute misery if hadn't agreed to go out with Benny that night.

His cherishing and reminiscing suddenly comes to an end because Brendan has reached between their bodies and taken hold of Ste's dick, is jerking him off and fucking into him rapidly and it's snapped him out of his day dream because he can feel his orgasm coming, feel his skin burning with fever and his prostate tingling and he's pulling on Brendan's hair hard, is close to ripping the strands out.

"Brendan–" he moans before letting his jaw drop and a strangled cry escape his chest. Brendan also lets go, feels his thrusts go out of sync but he continues to jerk Ste off with his left hand. They kiss sloppily as they both shoot their load, Ste up all over himself and Brendan into latex, and they drink down each other's moans and chokes of ecstasy and eventually they're left quivering in each other's arms, kissing and breathing harshly.

"Steven. Are you okay?"

Brendan asks as he traces the boy's prominent jawline with his thumb and gazes upon his glistening face, golden and slightly flushed, his ears all pink and lips bruised.

"Yeah. I'm brilliant."

He replies with a croaky voice, his mouth dry from his erratic breathing. The pair of them move into a more comfortable position. Brendan gently pulls out of Ste and removes his condom, cleans the pair of them up because Ste is too spent to move. Then he lies back down and pulls the duvet over the pair of them, brings Ste into him and plays with his hair and kisses his forehead as Ste lets the aftershocks die down.

"Brendan."

Ste says idly, opening his eyes and remembering the real reason why he came over here. The thought of going home right now and keeping Brendan in the dark seems quite appealing but Ste realises that if he did that then he'd be extremely selfish.

"Yeah?"

"I need to tell you something."

The younger man uses his shaky limbs to haul himself up into a seating position. He stays close to Brendan though, ushers him to sit up too and he does, rests his legs either side of Ste's body and runs his hands up and down the younger man's bare thighs. They're both wrapped up in each other and the duvet and it's warm and enclosed and Ste feels a little on edge by it.

"What is it?"

The Irishman asks lightly, a small smile on his face. He's still high from the sex.

"You know I told you about Tony, my old boss?"

"Yeah. He pays your rent right? Because of the accident."

Brendan says knowingly as he shuffles a little closer, notices the goosebumps rising on Ste's skin and tries to encompass him to keep him warm.

"Well I— I um—I lied. I've lied to you since the day we met."

The older man's face changes. His hands slide off of Ste's thighs and his brows pull together into a frown. He casts a questioning look, doesn't understand what Ste is saying.

"What do you mean?"

He asks. He isn't angry by any means, isn't upset that Ste is claiming to have lied to him. He's just confused because Ste has the scars to prove it all, his story is believable. Ste takes a deep breath, is picking at his fingers, completely unable to keep still and he's terrified of telling the truth. Lying was so easy.

"I didn't have an accident at work. I—I had a boyfriend called Andy. It was a couple of years ago now. He—he used to—" recapping it all is horrible for Ste. He didn't want to have to talk about it ever again, didn't want to have to think about it or even picture Andy's face in his head. "—he knocked me about. Beat me up and that and he took a load of drugs. Heroine, cocaine, weed. You name it and he took it. I never did though—" Ste feels the needs to clarify that to Brendan, doesn't want the older man to scrutinise him or think completely ill of him. "—I didn't even know about it in the beginning. Anyway, there were times when he'd come home high and completely drunk. He'd hit me when I mouthed off at him and I threatened him constantly, told him that I'd leave but he apologised, told me that he'd kill himself if I ever walked out on him—" Brendan listens intently, can't believe what he is actually hearing and the frown and confusion is embedded on his forehead. He doesn't interrupt though, wants to hear the entirety of Ste's tale before he says anything."—but then one day, he came home _so_ drunk. Me and Amy were sat eating a Chinese with the kids. He hit Leah and I went mental. We had a blazing row and Amy took the kids down the road to her mate Mikayla's house. We didn't want them around him. I told him I'd had enough, enough of him and all the shit he caused and I told him to leave and I didn't want to be with him anymore. But he refused, told me that I was stupid and I didn't get to tell him what to do so I started his packing for him—" this is the part that Ste constantly has nightmares about, the part that haunts him the most. The beatings and the insults were unpleasant but this was worse than all of that put together. "—He came after me about a minute later and when I turned around I saw—I saw something shiny in his hand. He had a knife and as soon as I realised what it was, when I tried to run it was too late. He stabbed me."

Ste pauses for a moment, his eyes swelling with tears and Brendan is frozen completely like a statue, has barely moved or even blinked.

"It hurt so fucking much. Not just getting stabbed but emotionally it hurt because I did love him. That's why I stayed for so long–" Ste keeps looking to Brendan for a reaction, a flicker of sorrow or hurt or anger but he sees nothing. The older man's face is illegible "–He wasn't even sorry either. He laughed when I dropped to the floor and my blood was all over him. He cleared off and I was left there, could hardly breathe but Amy came back and she found me. I passed out and the next thing I knew, I was waking up after being in a coma for three weeks because of severe internal bleeding."

"Jesus."

Brendan spits, his first word since the beginning of Ste's tale. He shakes his head, appalled and shocked and hurt and upset and confused all at the same time. He had no idea that that was the true extent of what Ste went through, that he suffered at the hands of some asshole who _stabbed_ him and scarred him for life, not just physically but mentally.

"That's where I got the scar from and as for Tony, he's been like a dad to me. He offered to pay my rent so I didn't get chucked out whilst I recovered. I couldn't work obviously and then I started getting flashbacks and night mares, I wet the bed, I was too scared to go outside in case Andy came back to get me. I was scared that one of his drug suppliers would come around asking for money or something. I was terrified of everything and I went to counselling for a bit and that did absolutely nothing."

There's a silence, a dense one that has Ste shifting a little, absolutely petrified that Brendan is going to ask him to leave or something.

"Why didn't you tell me Steven?"

"Because I thought you would run away. I thought that you'd drop me like a lead balloon because of how much baggage I carry, because of how screwed up I am."

"You are not screwed up! You understand? You're a good man and bad things have happened to you and you have every right to be weary of the people who enter your life. I don't want to hear you talking like that ever again."

Brendan replies sternly, his eyes almost red from his pent up anger.

"Okay. I'm sorry. I didn't want to lie to you anymore though and I need you by my side. You're not going to leave me are you?"

Ste asks as he peels the skin on the side of his thumb, drags it down more and more until it's on the verge of drawing blood.

"Steven, you could have told me that you'd murdered 12 people and I wouldn't have left you. I'm falling completely and utterly in love with you."

His declaration stuns the younger man, makes his eyes widen and heart leap into his throat and he is struggling to breathe.

"You're what?"

Brendan moves closer, brings Ste into him and pulls him onto his lap, wraps his arms around the younger man and kisses his chest just above his heart.

"I am falling in love with you Steven. I'm not going anywhere unless you tell me to."

His expression is much softer now. He's looking up into Ste's eyes and smiling and he's brushing the bottom of Ste's back with his fingertips, treasuring his body and his life. He can't picture his life without Ste in it now and he understands how lucky he is to have the boy in his arms, alive.

"I'm–I'm falling for you too."

Ste says, tears rolling down his cheeks. This sad and disturbing story has ended happily. They're falling in love and Ste has never felt happier, never felt like he can depend on a man like he can depend on Brendan, to keep him safe and warm and happy. But their happiness is short lived.

"There's something else though. I've been called to court. Andy is standing trial for possession and use of drugs and attempted murder next month and I don't know if I can do it. I can't face him again."

Ste says, the worry and panic setting in again. He presses his forehead to Brendan's and closes his eyes, Andy's face flashing into his mind.

"You can do it Steven. Look at how far you've come. You can't let him ruin the rest of your life okay? You and me, we'll walk in there and we'll watch him get sent down. Together. You don't have to do this on your own."

Brendan replies with such conviction and determination. He feels that revenge is on the cards because of what that psycho did, the condition that he left Ste in.

"You'll come to court with me?"

"Of course I will. I'll be there every step of the way. I promise."

The older man is so certain and Ste feels reassured, slightly more at ease about walking into the courtroom and facing the man who nearly killed him.

The pair kiss again, fall back into the soft mattress and hold each other for the entire night.

* * *

><p>"So how did he take it? Did you tell him?"<p>

Benny asks. He and Ste are sat in a cafe, the same cafe they were sat in over five months ago before that night out. They're sipping latte's and having an idle chat, are just enjoying each other's company.

"Yeah. I told him. I—I did something else though. Before I told him I mean."

Ste replies shyly, trying to hide his blush as he remembers his night of passion with the Irishman.

"What do you mean?"

Benny questions, taking a sip of his latte and licking the froth off his top lip. He looks over to the younger man and sees him blushing and Benny's jaw drops in disbelief.

"You—Ste! Did you have sex?"

"Shhhh! Jesus Benny."

Ste hushes him and looks about to make sure no one is listening in on their conversation or in a state of shock from how loud Benny was.

"Yeah. Yeah we did. I don't know how it happened. I was so convinced that he was going to leave me as soon as I told him so I just threw myself at him first and we slept together. I told him about Andy afterwards."

Benny is sat with wide eyes, is listening intently and in a state of incredulity. He's smiling though, evidently happy that Ste has finally broken the last of those chains that were strapping him down.

"Oh my god tell me everything!"

"There isn't much to tell. I just told him that I wanted him and he tried to make me rethink. Probably wanted to make sure I was ready and I was so he took me to his room and you know—sucked me off for a bit."

Ste stops there, gets a little embarrassed when he talks about sex, even if it is to his best friend.

"Come on. Tell me more. I want every last detail."

"Well—you know I was nervous. But he put me before himself. He wasn't selfish with it at all. He was really slow. It stung a bit, when he you know—put it in. He's proper big. But he stopped when I told him to and then after I relaxed a little bit we carried on. It was dead romantic really."

"Awww. That sounds incredible."

Benny is in awe. He knows he likes men but his encounters with the same sex haven't particularly been romantic at all. They've been one night stands, quick fucks whilst he's been drunk.

"It was. Anyway, after that I told him about Andy and he was fine with it. He was a bit angry but not with me. He was mad at Andy I think because of what he did and the state he left me in but he told me that he'd be there for me every step of the way."

"See! I told you he'd be okay with it!"

"He said something else too."

Ste remembers how he felt when Brendan told him that he was falling head over heels. He felt a little relieved because he thought he was the only one. But the feelings are mutual. He also felt this insane attraction and connection that he's never felt with any other human being. It's more than love. It's an unusual sort of comprehension. They _get _each other in ways that no one else does.

"Go on."

"He told me that he's falling in love with me."

"Oh my god Ste! Shut up! What did you say?"

Benny seems far more excited about this than Ste had anticipated but he reasons that Benny has seen him in his darkest times, has seen the immense depression and the anxiety and been there during the panic attacks and bed wetting, he's witnessed it all first hand and now it's like Ste is a completely different person.

"I fell for him months ago. Far too quickly but I couldn't help it. I told him that I'm falling for him too and we just kissed and lay in his bed and cuddled. Naked."

"Naked?! Jesus this guy has worked wonders!"

Ste hasn't slept naked in long time. He feels somewhat safer when he has clothes on, feels comfortable that he can hide his body and Andy's scar. That man will be embedded on Ste's skin forever and it's a part of his body that Ste hates, wishes that he could dig out.

"He's the best thing that's ever happened to me Benny. I literally don't know where I'd be without him. I think I'd go as far as saying that I'd probably be dead."

"Ste! Don't say that!"

"I'm just saying. You saw how depressed I was, how scared I was. It was getting to the point where I couldn't handle any of that anymore. But that doesn't matter now because I have the man of my dreams. He treats me right, he makes me laugh, he annoys the hell out of me as well but I just—I don't know I guess—"

"—you love him."

Benny finishes Ste's sentence, can see the adoration and awe and love in the younger mans eyes. He saw it before, when Ste was with Andy. At the beginning of course. But the glint in his eyes back then is no where near as bright as it is now. Ste's smile is wider, genuine. His eyes are less dense and heavy. He's almost back to how he was before.

* * *

><p>Ste and Brendan are at a restaurant, the same one they came to for their first real, out door date. They're in the same corner as before, eating delectably juicy steak and of course, Brendan is close to finishing and Ste isn't even half way through.<p>

"Steven?"

Brendan says with his mouth half full. He's never had good table manners.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

Ste places his cutlery down and continues to chew on his dainty little piece of steak. He watches as Brendan swallows and wipes his mouth with his napkin.

"That man. When we were here the first time. Can I ask who he was?"

It's a question that Ste didn't think he'd get asked, not that he was expecting it. He remembers how bad his panic attack had been that day, had never experienced anything like it before in his life.

"Um—that was Gary. Andy's dad. He threatened me."

"I know, I heard. But why would he threaten you when Andy is in the wrong? I don't understand. Is he blind or something?"

Brendan asks in annoyance, is still a little angry and frustrated about that entire situation. Ste pauses and takes a sip of his champagne, let's it fizz in his mouth before swallowing. He knows why Gary threatened him and Andy's family were something that Ste had hoped he'd never encounter again.

"No Gary isn't blind. Andy spoonfed him and his family a load of bullshit about the night he stabbed me. Obviously the police searched my flat after I was taken to hospital and they found a load of drugs stashed away. Andy had hidden it. But when he saw his family, he told them that I was the addict and he said that we'd had an argument. He told them that _he_ threatened to leave _me_ and _I_ couldn't handle it. Apparently I stabbed myself. They think I've tried to frame him for attempted murder."

Brendan huffs a laugh, not because he finds it funny but because he finds it outrageous. He can't seem to put it all together in his head, the logistics of it all and how moronic Andy's family must be to believe him.

"But surely the evidence says it all? He was found drenched in your blood, high as a kite. Are they fucking idiots?"

"They're blind to it all. They choose to believe him over me. I never got along with them anyway. The only one I liked out of that family was Jess, Andy's sister. Benny used to go out with her but they broke up because her family wouldn't allow her to see anyone who was close with me. That's how I know what Andy told them, because Jess told Benny and Benny told me."

Brendan shakes his head and raises his eyebrows in disbelief.

"Jesus. I just want to shake them all and tell them to wake the fuck up."

"They aren't worth it Bren. Jess is the only one who saw Andy for who he was. She never believed him, still doesn't to this day as far as I know. I haven't seen her in years though."

Ste continues with his food. He feels slightly lighter in his chest now that he's told Brendan all about it, how it happened, what's made him so paranoid and scared and how Andy is a king manipulator. Ste feels oddly comfortable talking to Brendan about it now, more comfortable than talking to anyone else about it anyway, even Benny.

"Let's not talk about it anymore. I know he is guilty, you know he's guilty. Practically everyone knows and the evidence is stacked against him. His fingerprints are on the knife, he tested positive for drugs in his system but I tested negative. His story is full of holes so I don't think I've got anything to worry about."

The younger man says confidently. The pair gulp down their champaign, Ste a little too quickly apparently because within the next half an hour he becomes extremely giggly. His cheeks are a little red and his words begin to slur as he talks and Brendan just laughs at him because he finds it hilarious.

"Come on. Let's get you home."

Brendan says after he pays the bill, pulling on his jacket and checking his pockets for his phone and keys.

"Can't we stay for another drink? Or we could pop to the shops and grab some beers."

"Steven you've had enough. If you have anymore then you'll be smashed."

"Oi! I'm not even drunk. I'm just merry."

Ste replies, his voice like silk and words mushed up into a barely coherent sentence. He gets to his feet, is a little wobbly and Brendan has to wrap an arm around the younger man's waist to stop him from falling over.

"Come on. No more alcohol for you tonight."

"I want a beer though."

Ste argues as he stumbles out into the street, Brendan's arm tight around his waist and supporting him. Ste has a taste for a sweet beer, his jaw tingling in need.

"No beer."

"Just one. Please? Please please please—" Ste tries to use his allure to persuade the older man to give him what he wants. He kisses Brendan's neck in the middle of the street, pushes him back against a wall and drags his groin up Brendan's leg and the Irishman gasps. He's done things in public before and there's always a buzz, always the possibility of getting caught and he gets off on the rush.

"Steven if you start this, that's it. I'll fuck you right here and now."

Brendan warns. He's giving Ste the chance to stop and any normal, sane person would stop immediately if they knew they didn't want to have sex in public. But clearly, Ste wants it because he continues, sucks on that pulse point and claws at Brendan's bum through the material of his trousers. He's never done anything in public before but he wants to now.

"Steven—"

"—do it. I want you to."

Ste whispers against Brendan's neck as he continues to sink his teeth into the Irishman's hot skin. Brendan doesn't have a condom or lube on him and the last thing he wants to do is fuck the boy without protection and face the risk of hurting him. He contemplates on what to do for a moment and then realises he has stuff in his car.

"Come on."

Brendan says as he pulls away and takes Ste's hand and starts to pull him down the road.

"I thought you said you were going to fuck me?"

"I am."

The older man practically drags the boy the entire way to the car. They both climb in and Brendan has to adjust his trousers as he starts to fumble about in the glove compartment for lube and a condom.

"We're going to have car sex? That's mint. Never had that before."

The drink is still strongly in Ste's system. He feels a little light headed and dizzy but he feels happy, like he's on top of the world. He's staring out of the window merrily, looking up wide eyed at the stars and trying to count each and every one of them but his vision is a little blurry and he loses count all too easily. The next thing he knows, Brendan's lips are on his, tongue forcing his mouth open and it turns passionate and desperate incredibly quick. They're pulling on clumps of each other's hair, their lips sliding in sync and they're moaning into one another's mouths, completely and utterly lost.

Brendan hooks his hand under Ste's thigh and pulls him into his lap, has to lift him over the gear stick and help him get comfortable because there's little room between the boy and the steering wheel so Brendan pushes his seat back as far as he can to make more room. Their lips connect again and Ste starts to gyrate his hips against Brendan's torso, is so much more confident now than the first time they had sex. Even though Ste initiated it, he was terrified and trembling but now he is taking control, is pulling Brendan's head back by his hair and kissing his neck and unbuttoning his shirt with his free hand.

"I want your fingers in me."

Ste slurs as he gets Brendan's shirt open and dips his head down to kiss his muscular chest and suck on his nipples. Brendan drops his head back, indulges in the sensation of having his nipples bitten and sucked, can feel his dick pulsing in his trousers and it's bordering on uncomfortable but he lets it continue and instead begins to pull on Ste's trousers, manages to get them down and over his ass but the little room means that Ste has to climb back into the passenger seat and strip them off himself. He gets back into Brendan's lap without such elegance and kisses him again, rubs his bare crotch against him and Brendan slaps his ass, remembers how much the boy liked it the first time. It's the best ass he's seen on a man, is absolutely perfect.

"Where's the lube?"

Ste asks as he searches about. It's dark outside now and it's hard to see inside the car but he sees the outline of the bottle in Brendan's hand. The older man squirts some onto his fingers and reaches between them, places his hand under Ste's body and smears the liquid over Ste's hole.

"Fuck. It's cold."

The younger man curses as he lurches forward but Brendan continues to massage the tight muscle of Ste's entrance, gently slides in the tip of his finger and Ste lets out a deep breath, rests his head against Brendan's shoulder and starts to rock back onto those fingers, lets the first slide all the way in down to the knuckle and he manages to take a second not too long after. The older man manages to curl his digits perfectly, brushes that sensitive spot and he feels Ste's hole tighten around him, hears him let out a minute squeak of pleasure.

"You like it when I do that don't you?"

Brendan drawls as he rubs Ste's prostate again, a little harder this time and Ste slams his hand against the window, cries out and takes a chunk of Brendan's shoulder into his mouth to stop himself from screaming.

"I want to hear you Steven. I want to hear how much you like it."

He whispers in Ste's ear as he starts a relentless onslaught against his prostate, rubs it viciously and slides his fingers all the way out only to plunge straight back in and pummel that gland that sets the boy's body on fire. Ste lets himself be heard, cries out shamelessly and practically head butts Brendan, slams their foreheads together and breathes heavily and screams as he feels wave after wave of excruciating pleasure shoot down his spine.

"Stop a sec. Oh my god Brendan stop!"

Ste shouts as he touches his hand to Brendan's wrist to put an end to his actions.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. God—I'm fine. I was going to cum."

Brendan's made many guys cum just by pummelling their prostate and he feels slightly smug knowing that he has the potential to do the same to Ste. Speaking of which, Ste could probably make him cum just by dry humping him, which is unusual because with all of his one night stands, Brendan has usually had to fuck into a guy for ages to cum or has had to finish himself off.

Ste fumbles with the older man's belt as the pair sloppily kiss, feels his way inside and pulls Brendan's dick out from the confines. He searches about for the lube without disconnecting from Brendan's mouth, squirts a load into his hand and rapidly jerks the older man off. He's thick and strained in Ste's hand, is moaning and grunting and squeezing Ste's bum to channel some of this immense pleasure he's feeling.

"You need me to stretch you some more?"

Brendan asks breathlessly between their kisses. Ste doesn't answer, instead just rises on his knees and places the head of Brendan's lubed dick to his hole and gently slides down, releases a deep breath as he sinks lower. His face contorts a little at the sting but he relaxes and Brendan kisses him reassuringly. They stay like that for a while, Brendan balls deep inside the boy. He's getting used to the massive stretch, the size and proportions and when he feels comfortable enough to do so, he gently starts to ride the older man, rocks his hips and slides back and forth, throws one hand back and uses the steering wheel for support whilst he hooks the other around Brendan's neck.

The car is shaking beneath them and the heat is almost unbearable, is steaming up the windows but the pair welcome the claustrophobia and the lack of space, love how close they are and how intimate this all is. Despite being in a car in a public place it's still stupidly romantic because neither of them are thinking about the possibility of getting caught or spotted. They're thinking about each other, are just kissing when they can and touching in small, adoring ways and mumbling one another's names.

Brendan holds the boy close, aids with the hip rotations and thrusts up into Ste when he can. They're both sweating from the warmth and Ste is starting to shake, is going quiet with his moans and groans and Brendan knows then that he's close. It's been a quick fuck but an incredible one at that and within moments, Ste is shooting his load up Brendan's shirt, is crying out in ecstasy and trying to continue bouncing in the older man's lap but he's completely out of energy. Brendan carries on the work, brings the boy in close and continues to fuck up into him, pummels that sensitive gland and it makes Ste whine in beautiful agony. Brendan concentrates on it, those noises and the feeling of Ste's body, the sensation of his tight hole rippling around his dick and seconds later he's spunking violently into latex and roaring Ste's name. The boy kisses him through it, licks out his mouth and drinks down those choked moans and strokes his hair gently, indulges in the comedown.

They're both breathless, are trembling but giggling and Ste is slightly more sober now. He slides over into the passenger seat and yanks on his trousers with shaky hands and Brendan discards of the condom, tries to lick up some of the cum on his shirt but it's already stuck.

"Oi. You've ruined my shirt."

Brendan says humorously as he pulls on his shirt to make the stains more visible.

"Oops. I'm sure you'll get over it."

Ste replies shyly as he moves in to give Brendan a final peck on the lips before they set off back to Ste's flat.

There, they have another night full of passion.

* * *

><p>Andy's trial has come about far too quickly for Ste's liking.<p>

He's nervous, is on the verge of panicking and he hasn't had a panic attack in ages so the prospect of having one now is terrifying to him. He's changing into a suit, is attempting to do up his tie but his hands are too shaky.

"Here. Let me."

Brendan takes over. He takes the tie out of Ste's hands and does it up properly, pulls it up gently around his neck and swipes his hands down Ste's arms to rid of any dust off his shirt. Brendan and Benny are accompanying him to the court today and Ste is hoping that he'll only have to be in there for one day. It's not exactly a difficult sentencing, at least, not in Ste's eyes.

"Steven. Try and stop shaking okay? Everything is going to be fine."

Brendan says reassuringly as he takes Ste's hands into his own and kisses his knuckles. The boy takes a deep breath and slides into Brendan's embrace, circles his arms around him. The sound of the older man's heartbeat comforts him greatly and the warmth of his body encompasses him, makes him feel safe and secure. He wishes he was able to feel like this whilst he's under the scrutiny of the jury.

"Come on. We'll be late otherwise."

They pull away but lock hands and Brendan leads the way into the living room where Benny is sat. He's dressed smartly in a suit, white shirt and black tie, nothing overly fancy.

"You ready?"

He asks as he gets to his feet and hangs his jacket over his arm.

"No. But I haven't got a choice have I?"

"Of course you have a choice Steven. If you don't want to go, then don't go. But if you don't then he's more likely to walk free for what he did to you. Get revenge and get him sent behind bars for all of the shit he put you through."

Brendan says as he tightens the grip on Ste's hand. His statement makes the younger man see the situation in a completely different light and suddenly he wants to be there to watch his abuser fall.

"Yeah. Yeah let's go and get this over with."

Ste sighs after releasing a breath. All three men walk out of the flat and climb into Brendan's car, don't say a word as they begin the journey to court. Ste is a little shaky, is bouncing his leg up and down and staring out of the window and Brendan reaches over with his left hand, slides it across Ste's leg comfortingly. The younger man looks over, links their fingers together and they drive the rest of the way like that.

When they get there, Ste feels a little nauseous, is clinging to Brendan's hand like he's compensating for the lack of touch he'll have when he gets in there.

"Look at me."

Brendan says as he pulls the younger man into his chest and cups his face with his free hand.

"Whatever happens, everything will be alright. If you feel like you're going to panic then you're allowed to step down okay? We can come out here and have some fresh air and then we can go back in. You've done so well already and I'm proud of you."

The older man assures as he leans down to kiss the boy on the lips.

"Thanks Bren. I couldn't do this without you. What did you want to do after? We going to yours or mine?"

Ste changes the subject, wants something to look forward to later on.

"If you're lucky, I'll make you my special crème brûlée."

"If I'm lucky eh?"

"If you're lucky yeah."

Brendan replies smugly, a smile on his face that Ste returns.

"But you can't cook, so I think I'd be anything but lucky to get given a crème brûlée. I'll probably get salmonella."

"Oi! I'll have you know that I can make an awesome crème brûlée."

Ste gives a questioning look, isn't convinced what so ever.

"That's one of the hardest things to get right. I highly doubt you could make that."

"Well I'll have to prove it won't I? So we'll head to mine after this. Well, after I've dropped Benjamin home."

Brendan says, actually acknowledges the other man that is accompanying them, realises that he's probably made him feel like the third wheel.

"Eurgh it's Benny. Not _Benjamin_. That's what my mum called me when I was in trouble."

All three men snort and make their way inside. Everyone is seated and Ste is ushered to take his place on the stand, away from Brendan and Benny. They take their seats and Ste immediately notices Andy's family sitting not too far away from his boyfriend and best friend. Gary is glaring at him, his eyes completely black with apparent anger. Ste tries to not feel intimidated by it, looks away and focuses on his hands that are linked tightly in front of him.

"Silence in the courtroom please. Silence."

Everyone falls silent and the judge walks into the room with his wig on. Ste always thought that those wigs looked hilarious so he has to hold back a little chuckle.

At that moment though, Andy is bought in by police officers and Ste's heart drops into his stomach. A shiver ripples through his body just from looking at him. He looks rough, but then again he never looked his best when they were together. He has a bit of a beard now, his eyes are heavy and bagged underneath and visibly bloodshot. His skin is pale and he's trembling and he has a few cuts on his face, probably from being beaten whilst in custody. Ste feels no pity though. He doesn't feel sorry for the other man because he deserves it.

Their eyes meet and Ste has to gulp over the lump in his throat, is close to choking and passing out from the lack of oxygen in his lungs. Andy's face doesn't change. He doesn't look remorseful but he doesn't look ashamed with himself either.

Everything kicks off. Ste couldn't afford a lawyer so he's having to defend himself but he doesn't have a lot of defending to do because the evidence says most of it.

"Andrew Owen, you are being charged today with the possession and consumption of narcotics and with the attempted murder of your ex partner, Steven Hay. How do you plead?"

Ste looks over to Andy again, takes a deep breath and almost feels like he's been kicked in the chest when his ex replies,"—not guilty." The younger man wonders how he has the nerve to deny it, to continue on with his bullshit story. Ste can see that Andy knows he's guilty, spots the twitch in the corner of his eye, a huge indicator of when he's lying.

It only makes him more determined to expose this monster for what he is.

Andy tells his side of the story and Ste almost laughs several times, is able to point out the holes in his story and Andy is scrutinised for it all. He's making it up on the spot, trying to cover his tracks and nothing makes sense. He isn't helping himself what so ever and Ste is convinced he has this in the bag.

* * *

><p>It takes a couple of hours for Andy to finish, for all of evidence to be shown and questioned. Pictures of Ste are shown in his coma and the extent of his injuries are discussed and then Ste is asked to talk, to explain his side of the story. It's the first time that he's been talked to through the entirety of the trial.<p>

"Mr Hay. May you tell us what happened on the night of the 22nd October 2012?"

The judge asks, his spectacles resting half way down his nose and he's looking at Ste over the top of the frame. Everyone else in the courtroom is looking at him and he feels slightly overwhelmed but he casts a look at Brendan, sees the softness and adoration in the older man's eyes and he feels his heart slow back to a normal rate.

"Yeah. Um—I was at home that night with my best friend. The mother of my kids. We were eating a Chinese with our children and Andy came home drunk and high. He was stumbling about everywhere, shouting and my daughter, Leah, told him to be quiet. Andy didn't like it and he hit her—"

"—pictures of which can be seen right now your honour."

A member of the court interrupts Ste and up on the projector appears a picture of Leah with a black eye. It makes Ste's blood boil, seeing the damage that Andy inflicted upon his daughter. Ste didn't actually see the black eye, the full extent of the damage. Most of it had faded and healed by the time he woke up from his induced coma.

"That's what he did to my baby girl. Naturally, I got angry and we had a blazing row. I told him he had no right to hit my daughter and I wanted him gone. I wanted him out of my flat. By this time, Amy had taken my daughter and son to her friend's house just down the road because we didn't want our children to be more at threat. I was angry so I started packing Andy's clothes and stuff into a hold all and he followed me. When I turned around—that's—that's when I saw something shiny—"Ste starts to stutter, can feel himself burning up, feel his breaths begin to heave and the flashbacks start to occur. The glint of the knife, the blank expression on Andy's face, the searing pain of the blade piercing his skin.

"Mr Hay. Are you alright?"

Someone asks, Ste isn't sure who. He looks about and spots every single pair of eyes that are focused on him, feels even more flustered and he looks to Brendan for his reaction. The older man is smiling softly, has his hands locked in his lap and he mouths _I love you_ to the Mancunian with such confidence that Ste's heart rises from his stomach and locks back in his chest where it should be. Brendan gives him strength and he questions for a moment where he'd be right now if it wasn't for him.

"Yeah. I'm fine. As—as I was saying—um— I saw something shiny in his hand. I realised what it was but before I could run, he stabbed me. It all felt so slow but as I hit the floor I heard him laugh. The pain was too much to handle and I kept losing consciousness. Eventually, Amy, the mother of my kids came back and found me. I don't remember anything after that."

Ste is trying to be a lot more articulate than he actually is, feels slightly pressured in this environment where everyone is so clever, speaking in technical jargon that he doesn't understand.

Someone asks Andy how Leah managed to get the black eye, pin points him on it and Ste watches Andy's face. He's searching about the room, trying to come up with something.

"Ste did that to her. He hit her."

The court gasps and Ste clenches his fists tight, is chewing hard on his tongue because he knows he isn't meant to speak up in court when he hasn't been asked to talk but he's so close to cursing and lunging across the room to wring Andy's neck.

"Your honour, we have a statement from Amy Barnes that matches Mr Hay's story perfectly. She states here that Mr Owen, and I quote 'swung for my daughter when she told him to be quiet. He hit her in the eye which immediately began to swell.' She states that Mr Hay and Mr Owen engaged in confrontation and she took her leave with her children but came back later to find Mr Hay on the floor of his bedroom, bleeding horrifically. Mr Owen was no where to be seen."

Ste feels a little at ease when Amy's statement is read. Everything is coming together nicely and no one is seeing past Andy's lies. Even his family look doubtful of their son now.

Evidence is gone over again and it's stated that Andy's fingerprints were on the knife. The drugs test results are read out and within the next hour, the judge has heard everything he needs to come to a verdict.

"Andrew Owen, you were most definitely intoxicated on the night of October 22nd. You were also under the influence of drugs. I believe you stabbed your ex partner out of anger because of his threat to leave you. Steven Hay acted appropriately by putting the safety of his children first and I think he had no other choice but to try and force you out of his home. Your lies are borderline offensive and are outrageous and I therefore sentence you to 17 years imprisonment for your possession of narcotics and your intent to murder."

Ste breathes a sigh of relief, his legs almost giving out and he has to lean against the wood of the stand to stop himself from falling to the floor. The judge's sentence is final and Andy is yanked out of the courtroom by police officers. His family are also ushered out of the courtroom and Ste, Brendan and Benny are lead out of a different exit to prevent any confrontation. As soon as they get outside, Ste smiles and he throws himself into Brendan's arms, hugs him tight and kisses him and he even kisses Benny quickly on the mouth.

"I told you he'd go down. What did I say?!"

Benny says enthusiastically as he hooks an arm around Ste's neck and pulls him into a hug.

"You said he'd go down. Oh thank god that's over."

Ste drops his shoulders and feels the tension drain away and out of his body. He feels ten times lighter than before he went in and he closes his eyes, acknowledges that they are finally free. The sentencing took four hours but Ste waited two years for that sentence, for justice to finally be served.

"Come on. Let's get out of here. I don't want to see that courtroom ever again."

Ste says as he takes hold of Brendan's hand and circles his arm around Benny's shoulder, all of them making their way back to the car feeling ten feet tall.

* * *

><p>Brendan drops Benny home first. They all have a cup of tea in his nice little flat that he shares with Tanya. Brendan and Ste don't stay for too long because they're starving and want to get home to make dinner and Ste is itching to see whether Brendan can make a good crème brûlée like he claims he can.<p>

They stay for half an hour and by the time they leave, it's lashing with rain. They run to the car like five year old's but before they climb in, Ste grabs at Brendan's wrist and leans back onto the bonnet. He doesn't know why he has a yearning to speak to the older man in the pouring rain when he could easily say what he wants to say in the dry confines of Brendan's car but he goes along with it.

"Thank you for coming to court with me today. I couldn't have done it without you."

Ste says in a slightly louder voice than normal. The rain is heavy and loud and he wants Brendan to hear him clearly.

"That's okay. You don't have to thank me for that Steven."

Ste shrugs and smiles up at the older man, has his hands resting on Brendan's waist and he's sitting on the bonnet, feels incredibly short but he doesn't care.

"Did you know that kissing in the rain is meant to be really romantic?"

Ste states with a devious smile. Brendan smiles back and rolls his eyes, cups the younger man's face in his hands and kisses him passionately. Their lips slide in sync due to the extra moisture of the rain and despite it being cold, their lips are warm and soft and moist and they ignore the fact that their clothes are soaking through, just kiss and kiss until they're satisfied.

"See. How romantic was that?"

"So romantic."

Brendan replies sardonically, has never understood the concept of romance but he tries when he can be bothered, has exceeded his own expectations so far with Ste and done things that usually would make him cringe.

"So am I going to get that crème brûlée or not?"

"Yeah. Come on. I hope you're prepared."

Brendan says vainly and they both climb into the car soaking wet and make their way back to Brendan's house. Ste has left some clothes there during the times he's stayed over so when they get in, they both strip themselves of their suits and get changed into dry, warm and comfortable clothing.

They start dinner together. Ste prepares the main course and Brendan does his own little thing in the corner which Ste leaves him to do, doesn't want to interfere despite how tempted he is to do so. They barely exchange a word and after a while, Brendan moves away from the corner and pops his creation into the oven.

"You getting along okay over there? Don't need any help?"

Ste asks as he fries one of his concoctions in a pan, some steak cooking separately and slowly in another pan beside him.

"Nope. It's all going swimmingly."

Brendan replies and soon enough, his crème brûlée is ready. He's hiding his work, doesn't want Ste to look at it so he doesn't, just continues to cook his steak.

They eat on the sofa and Brendan praises Ste like he always does on his cooking skills. Today, the Mancunian is actually hungry and for once he eats the entire contents of his plate. Brendan seems a little disappointed because he likes finishing Ste's food off when he's had enough.

"Right, now sit there and don't look. I'm going to bring my masterpiece over."

Brendan says when they're all finished. He takes Ste's plate into the kitchen and the younger man keeps his eyes averted, hears the blow torch go off for a few minutes and then a moment later, Brendan is back beside him on the sofa, one leg tucked underneath himself.

"Close your eyes."

"Brendan seriously?"

"Yes seriously."

Ste sighs and rolls his eyes, closes his lids upon request which he thinks is incredibly stupid but he does it for Brendan's sake.

"Open."

He opens his mouth and Brendan spoons some of the dessert into the younger man's mouth. Ste tastes it and it's sweet and soft and it's exactly how it's supposed to be. Ste is pleasantly surprised, raises his eyebrows and lets out a delightful moan as he opens his eyes.

"Wow. I am seriously impressed!"

He states in a shocked tone, opening his mouth in request for another spoonful which Brendan gives him.

"I told you I could make a mean crème brûlée."

"Yeah you just can't cook anything else."

Brendan feeds some to himself and then gives another spoonful to Ste, shuffles a little closer to him on the sofa and gives him a sweet kiss on the lips.

"So what now Steven?"

He asks seriously as he puts his dessert on the table and folds his arms. Ste casts a look of confusion and rests his head against the back of the sofa.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, where do we go from here? This whole thing with Andy is behind us now and you've made so much progress with your anxiety and panic attacks. What's next for us?"

Ste thinks about it for a moment. He hadn't even thought about the future, prefers to take each day as it comes but everything is behind him now. He has, for once, a positive outlook on life and he feels brilliant. His life has never been as good as it is right now. He isn't in a violent relationship, isn't surrounded by intoxication and drug abuse. He's with a man that loves the bones of him. He has his children, his best friends, his boyfriend and he thinks he'll have the strength to go back to work within the next month. Everything is back on track.

"Well maybe, if you're lucky, we'll get our happily ever after. No Andy, no Gary, hopefully no more panic attacks or nightmares, but even if I do get them I know you'll be here to make me feel better. Everything's alright. I've got everything I want and need."

"So—only if I'm lucky?"

"Yeah. If you're lucky."

Brendan smiles genuinely, again, feels stupidly romantic and soppy but he likes it. He's got what he wanted. He's got a man to love, a man to come home to, a man for him to look after and a man that will look after him. He didn't expect any of this but he is more than okay with it.


End file.

Hollyoaks, Romance