Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. one fell off and bumped his head (what the doctor said)

_three little monkeys jumping on the bed_  
_One pushed Two who bumped his head_  
_Three called Nick Fury, and Nick Fury said_  
_NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED!_

Takes place after the season finale. My apologies, as usual.

* * *

"I want..." said Fitz. His voice was so quiet that Fury had to lean in close to his hospital bed to catch the rest of what he said.

After a moment, Fury sat up and shot Fitz a disbelieving look. "You're serious."

Fitz nodded, weakly.

"You're sure."

"Yes," mouthed Fitz.

Fury sighed, and called in the doctors.

* * *

When Fury requested a meeting, it was hard for Coulson not to leap to conclusions. He had sworn not to interfere with Coulson's New SHIELD, sure, and messages were passed through Maria Hill at her new job at Stark Industries. The message itself – _meet me where you died. bring your team_ – revealed nothing, but what business could Fury have with Coulson's team except for Fitz?

He told the rest of the team about Fury's message, and watched as they came to the same conclusions.

"I'll change our heading," said May, and left.

"Do you think it might be Fitz?" said Simmons nervously. "I hope he's all right… why did Fury insist on meeting us? Why couldn't he just tell you in the message?"

Skye reached over and hugged her wordlessly.

"We'll find out soon," said Triplett.

* * *

The Atlantic Ocean was stormy when they arrived. May engaged the hitherto unused seaplane function and settled the plane expertly on the choppy waves. Fury's helicopter was already there; it circled a few times before landing on top of the Bus.

Coulson remembered the last time there had been another craft settled on top, and hoped that this meeting with Fury would go better than the one with Garrett.

Fury had come alone. He climbed through the hatch and entered the Bus's main compartment, followed by a monkey. Simmons saw the monkey and quite obviously perked up as she thought of Fitz, before she realized that he was nowhere to be seen, and just as obviously drew her conclusions from that.

"Phil," said Fury gravely. "Melinda. Agents. Thank you for coming."

The monkey perched on a chair and looked around.

"It's Fitz, isn't it?" Simmons burst out. "That's why you're here. Oh, he's not _dead_, is he? You said he wasn't going to die!"

Her voice was climbing. The monkey crossed the room, climbed into her lap, and patted her hair gently, as if to soothe her. It had rather the opposite effect on the distraught biochemist.

"And how can you come and bring that monkey here when Fitz _loved_ monkeys, and I-"

"Agent Simmons," said Fury. "I'm afraid you misunderstood me. Agent Fitz _is_ that monkey."

"What?" said Simmons, a little hysterically. She looked around the room, as if expecting another monkey to jump out from behind the bar. The monkey who had accompanied Fury, who was by now tucked up rather close to Simmons, nodded seriously.

Simmons shrieked and stood up, throwing the monkey off her body. The monkey landed gracefully on the floor, righted himself neatly, and looked reproachfully at her.

"We took him to Tahiti," said Fury. Skye gasped, and Fury sighed irritably. "No, we actually took him to Tahiti this time. We have an arrangement with their government. Agent Fitz was seriously injured after you two emerged from the cargo pod, but his prognosis was good. With some time and a lot of physical therapy, we should have been able to get him back up to shape, with full mental function and no impairment."

"Then why…" Simmons gestured at the monkey, who was now contemplating the contents of the bar. He had found the tins of peanuts and was examining them at great length. Curiously enough, the examination procedure involved his mouth.

"That was Agent Fitz's idea," said Fury.

"_What_?!"

"For some reason, he wasn't very excited about the idea of a year of stretching exercises. I have to say, I can sympathize."

"So you turned him into a _monkey?_"

"It was a much more complicated procedure than that," said Fury. "We had to transfer his consciousness and place it into the body of a monkey. It took a while, though Phil, you'll remember some of the machines."

"And now he's a monkey!" repeated Simmons. She seemed rather hung up on that idea. Coulson could sympathize.

"It was what he wanted," said Fury. "Look, it wasn't my idea either. I reacted pretty much the way you are now. But at the new SHIELD, we follow medical ethics. I repeat, this is what he wanted. He seemed quite enthusiastic about the idea."

"… When I asked you to respect your patients' wishes, I'm pretty sure I didn't mean to include any wishes to be _turned into monkeys_," said Coulson.

Everyone looked back at the monkey, who had abandoned the tins of peanuts. He now appeared to be grooming himself vigorously, paying scrupulous attention to all parts of his body, even those usually covered by clothes on a human.

At least he was enjoying himself, thought Coulson.

"What are we supposed to do with him now, sir?" asked Triplett, asking the question everyone was thinking but nobody wanted to ask. Coulson made a note to give him a promotion for being willing to take on the hard tasks.

"Honestly?" said Fury. "That is not my problem any more. When I rescued Agents Fitz and Simmons, I promised her that I would take care of Agent Fitz. There he is now. There is nothing more I can do for him, and I don't have enough room at my facility to take care of a monkey."

"We're hardly a menagerie, sir," said May. "And, respectfully, I am not cleaning up after a monkey. I already have to do enough of that around here without adding in any wild animals."

"Oh, he's entirely potty-trained," said Fury, as he headed back towards the hatch. "That was the first thing we taught him after the procedure. We de-loused him, too. You can thank us later."

"Wait!" called Triplett urgently. "Does he _talk?_ What does he eat? Sir, please, what are we going to do with him?"

But Fury had already escaped through the hatch. A moment later, they heard the helicopter lifting off.

The monkey had now found the sofabed and was jumping enthusiastically on it.

"I guess we should be glad Fitz liked monkeys and not spiders, or snakes, or anything," said Skye.

"That's true," said Simmons. She brightened up a little. "Oh! We can use him as a lab monkey now!"

Fitz-the-Monkey (Fitzgibbon?) threw some peanuts at her.


End file.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Humor, Parody