New Girl Sundays in the Park with Tran (and Dave)

**AN: One last challenge fic before the hiatus is officially over! Thanks so much to Captain Crunk and Newgirl78 for their help with this one, and extra thanks to Mayalala, who came up with the idea of including Julia in the group. You are all brilliant, lovely people and I would like to give you all nightingales as long as the squirrels don't come out of my toes.**

It was the middle of May when Nadia joined the T'ai Chi group, which had been meeting at 7 AM every Sunday morning for five years, at the north end of the local park. At first it had just been Tran and Outside Dave, who would park his shopping cart next to the nearest bench and begin imitating Tran's graceful motions, his five oversized vests flapping in the breeze as he raised his arms. Slowly, however, the group had increased in size until there were five regular members who had formed a firm, yet slightly questionable bond over their passion for the martial art.

Nadia had joined after she'd been court-mandated to take an anger-management program.

_"What you call me?" she'd asked her terrified dance partner at the club that night. "I take this vodka bottle and make you cry. Like vodka." The threat became more serious when she'd used her red, steel-tipped stiletto heels as makeshift hammers on the poor man's skull to make her point. Literally. _

The group had eventually made enough connections with several local pacifist organizations that, with the help of Julia's legal string-pulling, the local court agreed to consider it as meeting the requirements of an anger-management program. While T'ai Chi was, in fact, a martial art, it was mainly taught as a self-defense technique and had health and stress-reduction benefits similar to yoga.

_"I've been to anger-management programs. This is better than any anger management program," Julia had said, as they feasted on the bagels and coffee she'd brought everyone for breakfast. "Trust me. Since I started coming here my blood pressure's dropped so much my doctor started telling me to increase my sodium intake. Who tells anyone to eat more salt?"_

_Tran nodded in agreement with her and reached for another bagel. There was a reason he could eat all those pretzels at his age._

The court's willingness to consider the group in the first place was also possibly due to the fact that all of the local anger-management programs were unable to accept any new participants, as they were full; Los Angeles traffic tended to have that effect. Thus Nadia had joined, although the fact that it was also free may have swayed her decision. "No! I not pay to stop angry," she'd said.

Big Bob had had some misgivings about her involvement – Nadia didn't seem to quite get the Taoist philosophy of T'ai Chi, which affirmed the dominance of lesser, softer, and more flexible things over those hard, inflexible, and aggressive – but he didn't voice his concerns, preferring not to make any harsh judgments on what might have been a false first impression. "Live and let it go," was his motto. It was what had gotten him through most of his life, and most especially what had gotten him through working at Clyde's for the past six years. It was either that or drink, and he knew what that could do to a person – he worked with Nick Miller, after all. So Tao and T'ai Chi Ch'uan it was. It made him happy, and that was a good thing.

Unfortunately, Nadia lasted all of three weeks.

At the end of her third meeting, she got into an altercation with Dr. Foster, the principal of a local middle school, and kicked him in the head, nearly taking him out. He was later hospitalized with a mild concussion and one large contusion on the right side of his face.

_"Nadia," he had explained, "We've been trying to tell you this since you joined us here..." He paused until he knew he had everyone's attention. "This is a group that meets to practice T'ai Chi Ch'uan. As Lao Tzu said," he began, pausing again, until the Russian model interrupted._

_"What? What T'ai Chi? This is karate class!" she argued. "I do karate in Russia! I kick, like this!"_

_The group stood in shock as Foster hit the ground, hard._

Outside Dave was the first to react. "You ninny! Why'd you have to eat all the cats? You didn't leave us any sweaters!" He turned to Tran. "She can't stay. It would hurt the feelings of all the sandwiches."

Tran sighed and looked downwards. He hated having to be the heavy.

Outside Dave continued, "Look at her! Her wings are all dirty, like pigeons!"

Nadia was staring down at Dr. Foster with what looked like objective curiosity. "Little man fall down. He very small. Like cake in cup." She began to giggle. The sound was disturbing.

Tran pointed at Dave and then glanced at Nadia.

Dave shook his head. "No way! I can't tell her that! I have brittle bones! My muscles will evaporate and then all the squirrels will come out of my toes!"

In the meantime, Julia had called for an ambulance, and Big Bob was crouched down by Foster, cradling his head. "Why'd you go and do that for? That was not cool, Nadia. T'ai Chi is a non-violent martial art. It's not karate, man. You can't just kick someone in the head!"

At that point, Nadia, ever a poor respondent to criticism, turned to Big Bob and began threatening him. "What you mean, I no kick? I kick. I hit with hand, too! I tell you already, I take karate! Look – hiii-yah!" she exclaimed, her passion for her preferred sport now rivaling Miss Piggy's. Big Bob's T'ai Chi training, however, was put to good use as he blocked her hand and used her momentum to pull her to the ground.

It was then that Tran put his foot down and kicked her out of the group, standing with his legs apart and gesturing with his arms emphatically. Nadia, however, refused to leave, even as she lay sprawled on the ground. Until, that is, Outside Dave went to his shopping cart and began throwing old milk cartons at her. Pelted with rancid projectiles, she got up and walked elegantly out of the park (her model training was hard to let go of), as the remaining (and conscious) members breathed sighs of relief.

"Thank goodness she's gone," said Dave. "Now the dwarves can stop hiding in the sewers."

At that moment the ambulance arrived. Dr. Foster came to as he was loaded into the emergency vehicle by the EMTs. "Is she still here?" he asked, looking as if he wanted to hide. As Tran shook his head, Foster's face relaxed, and the group began to disperse with promises of a hospital visitation, legal representation, and a nightingale. The ambulance doors slammed shut, and Foster's voice could be heard dimly over the motor revving, just before the sirens turned on.

"Great session, guys! Same time next week?"


End file.

New Girl, Friendship, Humor