Naruto 1. Talking to Trees

**Chapter One: Talking to Trees**

* * *

One minute Kakashi was standing in a tree, and the next minute he was on a roof.

Now, Kakashi wasn't exactly normal himself, but even _he_ knew that random teleporting was pretty unusual. The baffled shinobi looked around, trying to pinpoint his location.

"Huh," he said. "Fuck." Slowly, methodically, Kakashi worked his way through every insult and profane word he could think of. After he finished insulting the parentage of everyone in listening range, Kakashi took a deep breath.

"Alright," he mumbled to himself. "There has to be an explanation for this. Either someone decided to deface the monument by removing every Hokage after the fourth, or I'm trapped in a genjutsu. And since Naruto's not in Konoha at the moment, it's probably the second."

Kakashi flared his chakra wildly and blinked. Nothing changed. _Odd. Why didn't that break the genjutsu?_ he wondered. _Tsukiyomi? No, everything isn't red and black, and I'm not being tortured at the moment. _

"Senpai! What's wrong?" Kakashi turned to see ... Tenzo?

"Tenzo, what are you doing here?" Actually, why were any of them here? Weren't they supposed to be fighting a war at the moment?

"Are you alright? I felt your chakra from the other side of the village!" His younger friend's signature emanated worry. Kakashi squinted in response. Wait, Tenzo looked way too young. Weird.

He frowned as he raised his hitai-ate. Why did he still have the Sharingan? What happened to his other eye? The world came into sharp focus as he scanned the surrounding area. Everything looked fine—and genjutsu free.

Sighing, Kakashi laconically drew a kunai. Tenzo stiffened but looked on with wary curiosity. Without a trace of hesitation, Kakashi plunged the weapon into his own arm. Pain was another effective way of dispelling most genjutsu, if you were controlling the pain.

"Senpai!?"

Kakashi ignored him and stabbed himself in the leg with the kunai. He could feel the pain quite clearly. He poked the wound and examined the blood. It definitely felt real. He was about to try again, but Tenzo grabbed his wrist.

"What the _hell_ are you doing?"

"Stabbing myself. Isn't that obvious?" he said blandly.

"Wh-why?"

"I like pointy objects. Now, if you'll excuse me." Kakashi prepared to flicker away, but a sudden hand on his shirt stopped that action. Reflexively, he twisted the hand and tossed the culprit onto the floor.

"Sorry Tenzo!" Kakashi said cheerfully. He hopped down from the rooftop and cast a henge, now appearing as a nondescript shinobi. His leg and arm throbbed, and Kakashi grimaced. He'd been a little overenthusiastic with the kunai. Silently, without attracting any attention, he made his way to his favorite tree behind the memorial stone.

"I could have sworn you were burnt down," he murmured to the tree. "Do _you_ know what's going on?" In one fluid motion, he made his way to the top of the tree. As he gazed upon the unbroken and bustling village, Kakashi's confusion increased. _This doesn't make sense. Konoha looks like it did before Pein's attack._ Suddenly, Kakashi froze, and his eyes widened. For the second time, he fell out of a tree.

* * *

Kakashi's first word upon waking up was a ridiculously undramatic "Ouch." He blearily blinked, closing his Sharingan eye out of habit. His head felt like a thousand Naruto shadow clones were bouncing around in his skull. "Why does my head hurt?"

"Kakashi! You're awake." Kakashi eyes focused, and he stared at the person who had spoken. A wave of relief crashed into him.

"Sensei, we won?"

Minato's brow wrinkled. "Won what?"

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "The war. What else would I be talking about?" He examined his former sensei. "So you're still here. I was half-afraid that you would be ... de-resurrected, I guess. What happened to Naruto and the others? Are they alright? And what happened to my eye?"

His former sensei stared at Kakashi before reaching out and placing his hand on Kakashi's forehead. "You don't have a fever... but maybe I should call a nurse just in case." Kakashi pushed the hand off.

"Worry about my health later. Sensei, did we win the war?"

Minato examined him with concern.

"Kakashi, the Third Shinobi War ended eleven years ago."

Kakashi almost fell backwards in shock. _Third _Shinobi War? What the hell? He took a slow breath to calm himself. _Shinobi Rule Number 29: When confused, bullshit your way out._

"Aha, of course." Kakashi gave his patented eye-smile. "I had a dream of the war again. I was just a bit confused, that's all. I'm fine now."

"Right." The dubious expression on his old teachers face was almost enough to make him fidget. "Well, if you're fine now, why don't you explain to me what's going on?'

_That's _my _line! _I'm _the one who's confused!_ Kakashi blinked apathetically at his teacher. "What do you mean?" he said evenly.

"Explain to me why you stabbed yourself with a kunai, nearly knocked Tenzo out, and fell out of a tree unconscious."

Kakashi looked Minato straight in the eye. "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

"Kakashi." A deadly expression appeared in his sensei's face, the one that usually preceded someone dying or becoming severely traumatized. Or both.

"Honestly! My memory is blank."

"Do you want me to bring a Yamanaka to fix that?" Minato glared at his former student.

Kakashi blanched. "No no no, that's not necessary. Not at all."

"Then tell me. Look, I don't really care about Tenzo or the tree. I want to know why you felt it was necessary to hurt yourself." _That was brutally honest,_ thought Kakashi, smirking_. Poor Tenzo._ His expression sobered when the Yondaime's glare intensified.

"There was a bug. So I stabbed it, but I missed. Twice."

The silence that followed was smothering.

"See, this is why I forced you to take a break." Minato's voice became vaguely paternal. "You're letting the stress get to you, but I didn't realize it was _this_ bad. Listen carefully, or I'll assign you D-ranks for the rest of your life. You _will_ relax for one week. Read a book, watch a movie, go on a date with Itachi—"

Kakashi fell out of the hospital bed.

"_What!?" _ he screeched.

Minato's lips twitched. "Admit it, Kakashi. You need a girl in your life. And Itachi is the only one who meets your ridiculous standards. She's pretty, at least as smart as you are... hey, she'll probably become stronger than you in a few years. Sure, she's eight years younger than you, her parents will never allow a relationship, and the Uchiha clan will try to kill you, but what's life without a little adventure?" He paused. "Actually, if you marry Itachi, then you'll technically become an Uchiha. Then the Sharingan will only be in the Uchiha clan again..."

At this point, Kakashi stopped listening. _Itachi-Itachi-Itachi-is-alive-what-the-hell-Itachi-is-a-girl-girl-girl-Itachi-Itachi-what-Minato-is-trying-to-set-me-up-with-a-zombie-mass-murderer-who-isn't-really- a-mass-murderer-Itachi-Itachi—_and his brain just broke.

"Minato-sensei?" said Kakashi slowly, interrupting his teacher's rant on their compatibility. "I am going to sleep now, and when I wake up, I expect this dream, _this nightmare_, to end. Goodnight."

* * *

When Kakashi woke up, he was still in a hospital. Grimacing, he tore of the customary restraints that strapped him to the bed. With the ease of a man who had done this a hundred times, Kakashi slipped out the window and made his way to the apartment he had lived in for most of his life. He frowned at the seals on his apartment. Kakashi didn't recognize them at all. Thankfully, they were also inactive.

Deftly, he unlocked the window and jumped in. Kakashi rolled to avoid the spray of senbon and fell into an attack position.

"What the _hell_ are you doing in my apartment?" Genma glared at him grumpily, chewing on his weapon of choice.

"Your apartment?"

"Dammit, are you drunk? You nearly gave me a heart attack! No, I'm not going to give you sugar, or milk, or whatever the hell you need. Do your own grocery shopping." Genma blinked and looked closer at his friend. "Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be in the hospital? I heard something about you cutting your hand off with a kunai."

"As you can see, my hands are still intact. I'm perfectly alright. "

Genma eyed the bandages around his arm and leg. "Sure you are. And if you're really _perfectly alright_, then get out of my house before I call the Hokage and tell him where you are."

Wincing, Kakashi climbed out the window. Even his _house_ was different. Kakashi sighed and extended his senses, trying to find his chakra signature. After a few minutes, he located his apartment. Kakashi deactivated the woefully-weak wards keyed to his signature and walked in. After giving his home a thorough once-over, Kakashi decided that it wasn't so bad. Of course, it could use a few improvements.

Three hours later, Kakashi had upgraded all the seals in his apartment to satisfy his war-time paranoia. Satisfied, he pulled out a piece of paper and began writing what he knew.

_Problems: World is fucked-up. Minato is alive and not a ghost-zombie-jinchukiri, Genma lives in my apartment, Tsunade was never Hokage, the Third Shinobi War was eleven years ago, and ITACHI IS A GIRL AND ALIVE AND (PROBABLY) NOT HOMOCIDAL_

_Causes: Falling out of a tree? Sharingan? Madara? Genjutsu? Dimensional travel? Insanity? Naruto?_

_Explanations: _

_Solutions:_

Kakashi glowered at the paper. With a quick fire jutsu, he burned it and tossed the ashes into the trash. He sighed and stretched. He'd need more information before he could make any conclusions.

* * *

After observing several people (stalking), borrowing information from the Shinobi Archives (stealing), and appropriating files from the Hokage's desk (more stealing), Kakashi came to the conclusion that this world was bat-shit insane ... and quite different from his.

For one thing, the Uchiha clan _hadn't_ been wiped out by Itachi and still operated as the police force. The Hyuuga clan, on the other hand, had been decimated by Orochimaru. The current heir was Neiji; Hinata and her sister had been demoted to the branch house. Apparently, the remnants of the clan had wanted to have a strong heir to 'rebuild the clan.'

Kushina had still died, but _Sarutobi_ had sacrificed his life to seal the Ninetails into Naruto, leaving Minato to reign as Hokage. Danzo, sadly, still existed and was probably plotting a way to take over Konoha.

The weirdest thing he had discovered (other than Itachi being a girl, because that took the cake) was that Tsunade and Jiraya were married. _Married_. Jiraya was _married_. To _Tsunade_. What the ever-loving fuck?

Kakashi groaned and rubbed his head. Why couldn't he have just ended up in the past? _But no,_ the universe just had to dump him in a different dimension (or a seriously freaky genjutsu; he hadn't ruled that out yet). All the knowledge he had was effectively useless.

Well, maybe not completely useless. Kakashi still retained all the combat knowledge and additional jutsu he had learned, and he knew the weaknesses of many opponents. Briefly, Kakashi wondered if he could activate the Mangekyo Sharingan. Sure, it caused blindness, but the ability to travel to dimensions was pretty useful when you were _stuck in another dimension._

He'd have to train like hell, though. His physical chakra pool was absolutely pathetic. Oddly enough, the spiritual component was overflowing. Consequence of dimensional traveling? Clearly, Kakashi wasn't in his thirty-something year old body anymore. Perhaps the soul had switched places or something. Hell if he knew.

He would do more research, maybe even ask Jiraya. Thankfully, that old pervert was alive in this freaky dimension, even if he was married. Finding a way to travel between dimensions—with the Sharingan or without—would take a ridiculous amount of time. Kakashi would be stuck here for a while.

He frowned and started making some plans. Might as well make the best of the situation. He could maybe meet up with his no-longer-dead friends, and perhaps even beat up that bastard Orochimaru to make him pay for everything. And he couldn't forget Danzo, could he?

Kakashi grinned. This place might not be so bad after all.


	2. There's Nothing Tree-Related

**Chapter Two: There's Nothing Tree-Related in This Chapter**

* * *

Operation Spy-on-the-Uchiha was in full swing. Kakashi peered down at the district below, marveling at busy street. Frankly, seeing all these Uchiha was quite unreal.

"Kakashi, what the hell are we doing here?"

Kakashi eye-smiled at the irritated Genma next to him. "Why, we're looking for your girlfriend. Didn't you want to talk to that Uchiha girl? Akiko?"

"It's Akemi," he muttered. "And I said that she was hot, not that she was my girlfriend. I'm not _that_ interested in her. She's an Uchiha, for God's sake. A roll in the hay is one thing, but a relationship is another." Genma crossed his arms and glared. "Besides, sitting on a roof and staring at the street is _not_ talking to her. What's the real reason?"

_I'm from a different dimension where the Uchiha were slaughtered, and I suspect _this _Danzo is plotting something like that against the Uchiha. That man is obsessed with them—hell, he implanted their eyeballs in his _arm. "I need an excuse," he said simply.

"Hatake-senpai," said a cool voice behind them. "How unexpected to see you here."

Genma swore and turned around, and Kakashi tensed. Slowly, he faced the stranger. Years of self-control were the only thing preventing him from freaking out and running away.

"Uchiha-san," replied Kakashi, a smile frozen on his face. "It's good to see you again." A flicker of surprise passed over the girl's blank face.

Almost unwillingly, Kakashi examined the teenager. He almost fainted when he realized that yes, _that was Itachi, and Itachi was a girl._ Her features were definitely more feminine than the Itachi he knew, and her hair was a tad bit longer.

He tore his gaze away from the _female_ (freak of nature and shouldn't exist!) and turned to Genma, who was staring at him with a strange expression on his face.

"Is there any particular reason you have come to the Uchiha District?" She raised a graceful eyebrow.

"Genma wanted to visit his girlfriend, and I accompanied him," he said smoothly. Kakashi ignored the cries of indignation coming from his friend and smiled. "We're finished now. We'll be on our way." He grabbed Genma and ran as fast as he could while dragging the swearing senbon-user. Once they were a safe distance away, Kakashi let him go.

"You idiot! You told the _Uchiha Heiress_ that I was dating a clan member! How could you!?"

"You'll get over it." Kakashi carelessly waved his hand.

Genma scoffed. "Just because _you _can get away with anything doesn't mean that I can." Genma grumbled for a few more minutes before he looked at the masked ninja curiously. "Did you and Itachi get into a fight or something?"

Kakashi flinched, but covered it with a cough. "What are you talking about?"

Genma shot him an exasperated look. "I'm not oblivious. You called her Uchiha-san instead Itachi-chan like you usually do, and you didn't correct her when she said Hatake-senpai. What, you thought I wouldn't notice?"

Huh. Oops. But there was no way in hell he was playing nice with the _Uchiha abomination._ Itachi was not a girl, and that was final. "Ah, it's nothing. Just felt like being a bit formal. Wow, would you look at the time? I have to go water my plants!" Kakashi escaped before Genma could say anything more.

* * *

Kakashi spent the next few hours practicing his kata and ninjutsu. Although his body was certainly younger, his stamina could still use some work. He experimented with the Sharingan a bit and debated whether or not he should activate the next stage.

Kakashi decided to wait until his chakra was stabilized and sighed as he started the exercises to increase his chakra reservoir. It was the strangest feeling to have your spiritual chakra exceed your physical chakra. Generally, an imbalance was caused by the opposite combination.

"There you are! I guessed correctly."

Startled, Kakashi threw a kunai at the person behind him. Minato caught the weapon and grinned.

"Nice reflexes, Kakashi. So, what are you doing here?" The Hokage leaned against a tree and watched his student move gracefully through the movements.

"Training."

"Right. Aren't you supposed to be in the hospital?"

"No."

Minato shook his head with amusement. "You never change, do you?"

Kakashi paused slightly at that before continuing.

"Apparently not."

"Say, how about we spar? I just finished all the paperwork for the next chuunin exam, and I really need a break."

"Alright." Kakashi completed the last kata and pivoted, facing Minato. He hadn't sparred with his teacher in ages, and he couldn't deny the thrill that raced through him. "What are the rules?"

"No fatal injuries, ninjutsu, or explosive notes. Blowing up the training grounds creates way too much paperwork. If I win, you have to come over to dinner. If you win, you get to come over to dinner.

Kakashi raised his eyebrow. "With those conditions, I'm coming to dinner no matter who wins."

"Exactly."

The silver-haired man crossed his arms. "If I win, I want you to..." Kakashi frowned. What _did_ he want? _Yes Minato-sensei, just help me create a dimension-hopping justsu so I can travel back to my world. _"Eh, I'll think of something."

"Sounds good!" Minato bounced on the balls of his feet and grinned, and Kakashi was suddenly reminded of Naruto. How many times had he seen that same expression on his ex-student's face?

"Begin!" shouted the blonde, appearing behind Kakashi. He threw his hirashin-marked kunai, peppering the field with his markers. Kakashi dodged the subsequent blows and sent a vicious kick which almost caught Minato off guard. The blonde disappeared, narrowly avoiding the punch that followed.

"I'm impressed, my young student," teased Minato, surprised but proud. "Your instincts have improved. But you're not good enough."

With a flash, Minato appeared behind Kakashi and grabbed his arm, twisting it. He kicked the back of Kakashi's knee, and the physically-younger man crumpled, disappearing in a puff of smoke.

The Hokage's eyes widened. "What? A shadow clone?" Kakashi burst from the ground and grabbed his former teacher's arm. Ah, the good-old groundhog trick. Minato scrambled backwards, trying to escape the hold. Gritting his teeth, he used his hirashin to teleport away from Kakashi's grasp. To his surprise, Kakashi appeared behind him, forcing him to teleport again.

"Hey, I said no ninjutsu!" complained Minato.

"We're shinobi. We cheat." Kakashi grinned. "Besides, you have hirashin. I have to even the field somehow."

Minato sighed in mock exasperation, unable to hide the smile of his own. "Smart, using kawarimi to appear behind me."

"Hokage-sama." A bear-masked ANBU operative appeared a few feet away from the two. "You must return to the tower."

Minato pouted, but he awarded the agent with a brilliant smile. "Of course. Thank you." He glanced at Kakashi. "Looks like I win."

"No, you didn't. It's a tie."

"Yup, it's my victory. I'll see you at six for dinner, Kakashi!" The ANBU agent and Hokage vanished.

The Copy-Nin resisted the urge to sigh. Looks like he didn't have a choice.

* * *

Kakashi showed up fifteen minutes late. Normally, he'd be even later, but the thought of eating _actual dinner with his not-dead sensei_ had made him admittedly excited. He couldn't even remember the last time he had eaten a proper dinner at all. Sometime before the war, probably.

"Yo!" said Kakashi cheerfully as he pushed the door open. The wards glowed a welcoming blue as they accepted his presence. After taking off his shoes, he walked to the living room to greet a surprised Minato.

"Kakashi! You're early!"

"What do you mean? I thought dinner started at six." Minato rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"Uh, you see … I actually planned to start dinner at seven. Since you're usually late …" he awkwardly trailed off. Kakashi was about to respond when a yellow something slammed into him.

"Kashi-nii!" said the culprit. Kakashi stiffened then stared at the boy hugging him.

"N-Naruto?" Kakashi replied hesitantly. Big blue eyes looked up at him.

"Duh! Who didya think I was?"

Kakashi grinned and ruffled Naruto's hair, ignoring the blonde's protests. He hadn't seen the boy this carefree and innocent in a long time. Well, he hadn't seen Naruto this _young_ in a long time either, but that was beside the point. "It's good to see you again," he said warmly. "I missed you."

Naruto frowned at him, suspicious. "What got into _you?_"

"Ah, if it isn't the other brat!" said a booming voice. Kakashi started, and then gawked at the two people walking towards him.

"Jiraiya and Tsunade dropped by, so I invited them over for dinner too," explained Minato.

"How are you, kid?" Jiraiya asked, coming closer. He reached over to pat Kakashi on the back and was surprised when the silver-haired shinobi didn't move out of the way. Jiraiya was further surprised when Kakashi simply stared at both the sannin.

_What- how-is-this-possible-Jiraiya-Tsunade-what-why-are-they-married-and-alive—_

"Uh..." Jiraiya glanced around nervously. "Did I break him?" That seemed to snap Kakashi out of his daze. _Oh right, alternate dimension. Deep breaths, Kakashi. Don't lose it here._

"Jiraiya-sama! I'm glad you stopped by," said Kakashi sincerely, a genuine smile on his face. Jiraiya was still alive. The Toad Sannin was still alive! The Icha Icha series wasn't canceled anymore!

Jiraiya's eyes widened and he stepped back.

Kakashi turned to Tsunade, also bestowing her with a smile. "Tsunade-sama," he greeted her with respect in his eyes that hadn't been there before. The Copy Nin tilted his head with … deference? "I hope you're well."

Tsunade looked vaguely disturbed.

Kakashi didn't realize it until later, but he was treating Tsunade like the Hokage she'd been in his world. After working under her, he'd gained immense respect for her incredible talent and power (and fists). He couldn't help but let it show through after years of service (and living in fear of being punched through the wall).

When Kakashi's happy grin didn't disappear after a few minutes, Tsunade stepped forward, hands glowing green. She attempted to press it to his forehead, but the silver-haired man reeled backwards, out of her reach. Strange. It was almost like he had experience in dodging her hands.

"Kakashi, are you alright?" asked the medic-nin. "You seem a bit…" she eyed the dopey smile, "odd."

Minato laughed uncomfortably, also examining his student. Kakashi seemed happier than he'd been in a long time. That wasn't a bad thing, it was just …

Scary. Extremely scary. A happy Kakashi was a … well, Minato had never really _seen_ an openly happy Kakashi. He suppressed a shiver.

The next forty-five minutes passed quickly with conversation. On the surface, the atmosphere seemed cheerful, but in reality, everyone except Naruto and Kakashi were on edge. Every few seconds, Minato, Jiraiya, and Tsunade would shoot Kakashi looks.

Kakashi, for his part, ignored it. He knew that the other three ninja were extremely tense and rather troubled by his behavior, but he was too busy enjoying the moment. Besides, it was far too much fun to mess with the three legendary ninja.

The doorbell rang, interrupting their conversation.

"That must be our last guests," said Minato, hurrying to the door and opening it. "Ah, hello!"

Kakashi froze as the four people entered.

Hell no.

_Hell _no.

He was going to _kill_ Minato.

"Fugaku-san, how are you doing?"

The main family of the Uchiha Clan walked in.

"Sasuke!" Naruto shouted, barreling towards the dark-headed child. "You came!"

"Course I did," muttered Sasuke, sidestepping. "Told you I was coming to dinner."

Wow. Kakashi blinked in bemusement. Sasuke had spoken in nearly complete sentences without angst. This dimension really _was_ different. Well, considering that his entire family hadn't been murdered …

Kakashi was jolted out of his introspection by a frigid voice.

"Hatake-san," said Fugaku, barely nodding.

Kakashi inclined his head just so. "Uchiha-dono."

The murmured conversations screeched to a halt as everyone turned to stare. Kakashi bit back a groan. Did he commit another faux-paus again?

Fugaku looked even paler, and Kakashi hadn't even thought that possible. He'd made a big mistake, then.

"R-right," stuttered Minato. "Let's go eat!" The Yondaime practically shoved his guests into the dining room, forcing them into their seats.

The rest of dinner was an … interesting affair. Fugaku had joined the list of "People Who Are Paranoid about Hatake Kakashi" and was politely glaring at Kakashi with narrowed eyes. Jiraiya was trying too hard to be funny, and Tsunade looked like she was about to punch someone—namely Jiraiya. Minato did his best to be a good host, but his aura practically screamed discomfort. Itachi stared at Kakashi as if he was a particularly difficult puzzle, and Kakashi stared at everyone _except_ Itachi. Mikoto simply observed her daughter, an odd expression on her face.

The only people who were remotely enjoying the dinner were the arguing and oblivious Sasuke and Naruto.

Kakashi sipped his water. Every so often, his eyes would flicker to his two (former? future?) students. It was heartwarming, really, to see Sasuke and Naruto interact without trying to literally murder each other. Kakashi's eye turned to Minato and the Sannin, who Kakashi _still_ couldn't believe were alive. Softly, Kakashi smiled. Oh, he was still going to kill Minato for subjecting him to this mockery of a dinner, but Kakashi was glad he still had the opportunity to do so.

* * *

Kakashi lounged on the couch, barely focusing on the game. Once the Uchiha left after politely declining Minato's invitation to play cards, the two Sannin, the Hokage, and Kakashi had begun a game of poker. Naruto was fast asleep, of course; Minato would kill anyone who exposed his darling child to gambling so early.

Kakashi mused over the differences between his world and this one. Kushina had always been close to Mikoto, and although Fugaku and Minato hadn't been friends, they had always been cordial. Minato's continued Hokage-ship had probably prevented the attempted coup and the subsequent massacre. But Danzo would undoubtedly to discredit Uchiha in some other way, and soon; the Uchiha's reputation, though better than before, wasn't exactly good. It was time to pay that slimy, filthy, piece-of-shit bastard a—

"Kakashi?" The other three ninja were looking at him oddly, and Kakashi realized that he had been releasing killing intent.

Kakashi rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Yeah? It's my turn, isn't it?"

"No…" replied Minato slowly, "it's Jiraiya's."

"I knew that." Kakashi glanced at his cards, and then back up. "Oh, Jiraiya-sama," he said suddenly.

"Yeah?" Jiraiya was staring at him like he was a faulty explosive tag, liable to blow any minute.

"How long are you staying in Konoha?"

The Toad Sannin's eyes narrowed. "A few weeks. Why?"

"Ah, do I need reason to ask?" Kakashi's eye crinkled as he began his flattery. "I just wanted to visit you, of course. You _are_ the great Toad Sannin, the legendary Pervy Sage, creator of the peerless Icha Icha, my father's best friend, and my sensei's sensei so—"

Tsunade's sake bottle crashed onto the floor. Minato paled. Jiraiya's jaw dropped.

_What happened?_ Kakashi's eye widened and he barely managed to hold back a curse. _Oh right. I'm still supposed to be angsty about my father. Shit. _ _It's kind of hard to hold a grudge after dying, having a heart-to-heart with chakra ghost of your dead father, and coming back from the grave. _Had being around friends—family, really—made him lower his guard so much? _Sloppy work, Kakashi. Weren't you supposed to be good at infiltration missions?_

Jiraiya stood up. "Alright, brat. Now, I know I haven't seen you in a while, but I am pretty _damn_ sure this isn't normal. What the hell is wrong with you?"

Kakashi drew upon every ninja technique he knew to remain outwardly calm. _Ah. Fuck. I really hope they don't think I'm a spy or anything. Imagine the utter disaster that would happen if the Yamanaka read my memories._

Minato spoke, saving Kakashi from coming up with an excuse. "I think I know what's going on." His former sensei's voice was serious, but his face had a hint of amusement.

"Well, what is it?" said Jiraiya impatiently.

"Kakashi's having girl problems." Minato smiled, entirely too smug.

Kakashi stared. What? Girl problems? Where the _fuck_ did that come from? That was the stupidest explanation ever! Why was _that_ the first reason Minato thought of? Kakashi glanced at Jiraiya. Well, considering that Jiraiya had been Minato's teacher … actually, that explained a lot.

Jiraiya waggled his eyebrows. "Oh? Really?"

"Think about it. Kakashi started acting weird after he was discharged from the hospital. In fact, his really strange behavior didn't start until after I had a conversation about a certain girl with him." Minato smiled, expression almost wistful. "We all know how love can make people act crazy. I remember when I first asked Kushina out. I was shaking so much that Kushina thought I was having a seizure. Ah, to be young and in love."

"Yeah, yeah. So, who's the girl?" Jiraiya's eyebrows waggled again.

"Uchiha Itachi," answered Minato.

_You know,_ thought Kakashi dryly, _it's really interesting how they're deciding my love life _without _asking me._

Jiraiya laughed uproariously. "So that's why you were being so nice to me. Needed help from the love-guru, eh?"

Minato wisely nodded. "It also explains why you were so polite to Uchiha-san. You were trying to get into her father's good graces, weren't you? Though it's a bit late for that. You've called Fugaku by his first name for years. I don't think changing that now will make much of a difference," admitted Minato.

"You've got pretty good taste, brat." Jiraiya grinned lecherously. "Itachi-chan doesn't have much in the boob-department, but her legs—"

Tsunade whacked him on the head before Jiraiya could continue. Kakashi sighed. After exchanging a look of mutual sympathy with Tsunade that very clearly said _we-are-surrounded-by-idiots_, he decided to call it a night. It was nice being with his family—though they weren't really _his_—but he really had to go break into Danzo's office now, and he didn't want to be late.

That would be terribly rude.

* * *

**AN:** So, this chapter had bunches of fluff, but seeds of the non-existent plot were planted (shoved in haphazardly)! The next chapters should include the beginning of Kakashi's revenge, more messing with people who should be dead, and fainting. Lots of fainting.

Readers, how do you feel about romance? I'm neutral but open to the concept. Are there any pairings you want to see? Don't want to see? This story is mainly light-hearted humor/fluff/adventure/crack, so it should not be taken too seriously.

Thank you for reading and reviewing, everyone! Special thanks to** Zeivira, SadisticAvacodo, FluffyDragonsLiveInMyHouse, miemae04**, and my two anonymous reviewers!

As always, comments, concerns, and criticism are welcome.


	3. Teleporting the Trees

**Chapter Three: Teleporting the Trees**

_Alternate Title: Kakashi is a Dick to Forests_

* * *

Breaking into Danzo's super-secret hidden facilities wasn't as easy as he expected.

Kakashi blamed it on the stupid inconsistencies between dimensions. Among other things, locations had changed. The changes weren't very big, but they were definitely large enough to be noticeable and annoying. Kakashi's perfect geographic sense of Konoha had turned into a "that-place-is-probably-somewhere-around-here" sort of feeling.

He'd still been able to locate places without difficulty thanks to his heightened senses, but apparently that didn't cut it when tracking down a covert organization that had hid from both Hokages since the Third War.

Kakashi had still found it, of course. He'd been in ANBU's tracking and retrieval squad for years. He certainly didn't _need_ memories from another dimension to find an illegal organization that brainwashed children.

After breaking and entering several times, Kakashi finally discovered ROOT's main base. The Copy Nin eyed the wards with disappointment, analyzing them with the Sharingan. He'd expected better than this. Really, they didn't even pose a challenge. Kakashi bit his thumb and began scrawling a counterseal on the wall. He wasn't Jiraiya or Minato, who could probably deactivate all the protections by looking at them, but Kakashi knew his way around seals.

Once he finished, Kakashi slapped his hand on the wall. "Release," he muttered, sending chakra into the symbols. His blood shone blue and vanished. Satisfied, Kakashi opened the door. Chakra pulsed outwards the second his hand touched the handle.

_Dammit. Looks like I forgot to deactivate the tertiary warning signal embedded in the silencing matrix. Ah well. This is Danzo's personal office, and that pulse was keyed for Danzo's signature only. I have about two minutes before that bastard barges in._ _That should be enough time._

Sadly, Kakashi had underestimated Danzo's paranoia. Everything was quadruple-sealed and attuned to only Danzo. Jirayo or Minato might be able to break them, given enough time—but there was no way Kakashi could do it with only two minutes and his own blood.

"Shit," growled Kakashi, grabbing a handful of hopefully incriminating scrolls. Why did Danzo have to be competent?

"I wondered who was audacious and skilled enough to break into my office," said a voice behind him. Kakashi turned around to see the man himself. Danzo. That filthy mother-fu—

Wait.

What?

He stared at the still-talking man.

Why was Danzo's hair pink? No, _seriously_, why was it pink? Immediately, he thought of the only _other_ pink-haired person he knew, and a horrifying thought struck him.

Were… were Danzo and Sakura related in this universe?

Kakashi was suddenly struck by nausea and horror as his mind conjured up an image of a Sakura related to Danzo. Of a Sakura _raised_ by Danzo. A Danzokura. Or was it a Sakuranzo? He shuddered, squeezing his eyes shut at the disturbing images. No. No-no-no-no—

"I see that you finally understand the gravitas of the situation," sneered Danzo. "As you rightfully should. Of course, we can always come to an… agreement. If you tell me who you are and who sent you, I may spare your life. I have a need for skilled shinobi."

Goddammit, was Danzo _still_ monologuing? Didn't the man have anything better to do? Torture children, perhaps?

"All I require is—"

"Are you related to anyone?" interrupted Kakashi.

Danzo blinked then narrowed his eye. "Are you trying to threaten my family?"

"Anyone? Do you have any family at all? Children, siblings, nieces, et cetera?"

"How dare you!" Danzo chuckled darkly. "Trying to use my _bonds _against me, are you? I'm afraid you are sorely mistaken. Unlike most other weak Konoha nin, I have no use for pathetic ideals such as friendship and family. Even if there was anyone, I would not care if you killed them now. I would kill them myself, if I needed—"

Great. A non-answer. Kakashi decided to make a run for it. He had more important things to do than listening to the ramblings of a psychopathic old man—like finding the paternity of a certain pink-haired kunoichi, for example.

Scrolls in hand, Kakashi dashed past Danzo with a burst of chakra, twisting to avoid the Wind Release ninjutsu flying his way. He wasn't fast enough to completely dodge the kunai that followed—four missed, but the fifth grazed his arm just before he flickered away. He gritted his teeth and leaped past the swarm of ROOT ANBU in the passageways, barely making it to the exit.

As he fled the underground base, Kakashi's mind whirred a thousand miles a minute. The kunai was definitely poisoned. He couldn't run back to his house, or the ANBU would learn his identity despite his henge, but hiding somewhere obscure was just _asking_ ROOT to kill him and dump his body in the river.

So, he hid in the last place anyone would ever look for a wounded shinobi.

The hospital.

After leaving several false trails for the ROOT to chase after, Kakashi silently crawled through the windows of the worst place in Konoha. He… ahem, _appropriated_ some medical-grade sealing ink and paper before slipping into the supply closet. Kakashi created a few rudimentary wards for protection before starting on another, more intricate one.

He sure as _hell _wasn't going to actually get treated in the hospital. Other than being an evil, soul-sucking dungeon, hospitals also left paper trails—the kind that created a giant neon "kill me, I'm here!" sign. He could manage the poison well enough on his own

Frowning, Kakashi added the finishing touch to a modified version of the Evil Sealing Method. Instead of holding back a chakra curse, it suspended and nullified the effect of poison. Fittingly, it was known as the Poison Sealing Method.

Clenching his jaw, Kakashi placed the seal over his wound and activated it. He hunched over with the excruciating pain caused by the seal but relaxed when the pain and poison faded from his body.

_Much better_, he thought. Satisfied and exhausted, Kakashi closed his eyes and went to sleep.

* * *

Nurse Fumiko hurried down the hallway, looking for a mop. Another damn shinobi had crashed through the window, leaving blood all over the floor. Being the newbie, Fumiko had been sent to clean it up.

After a few minutes of searching, the nurse finally located the supply closet. She reached out to open it and yelped as the door swung upon of its own accord. Fumiko shrieked when she noticed the man inside it.

The masked man's eye snapped open. "Yo," he said cheerfully. Without another word, the ninja vanished.

The nurse almost cried when she noticed the incredibly expensive medical-sealing equipment strewn across the floor. _Damn_ shinobi.

* * *

Kakashi stretched in front of the training grounds, warming up his muscles. Today, he was going to do something ridiculously reckless and stupid.

So, nothing new then.

Kakashi lifted up his hita-ate, exposing Obito's eye. It was time to activate the Mangekyo Sharingan.

He closed both eyes. While sending a gentle pulse of chakra to the Sharingan, he began to think of everyone he'd ever failed. The list ran long, much too long. He thought of Obito, sensei, Kushina-neesan, his father, Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, and …

Rin.

His mind replayed the memory of her death in perfect clarity, the moment forever immortalized. The pressure built behind Obito's eye as it throbbed with remembered pain. He recalled the overwhelming weight of despair, the tears streaming down her lovely face, the sound of a thousand birds screaming…

His eyes snapped open.

"Mangekyo Sharingan," he whispered.

The world around him shattered.

The shards coalesced, and Kakashi viewed the world in flawless detail. He could see the fabric of space and time and the shadows of the other dimensions acting on it. He viewed everything in an almost detached state, separate but connected. He glanced down at his feet, and his breath caught at the incredible darkness twisting around his presence.

Kakashi did not belong here.

Resolute, he stared at the tree in front of him. First, he'd start small. Kakashi should be able to teleport the stationary, solid object.

"Kamui."

The world warped and twisted, and Kakashi felt the sense of finality that always accompanied the use of that technique. A single tear of blood slid down his cheek.

The tree hadn't moved.

"What?" he muttered. Then, the chakra drain hit him like a gigantic frog, and he collapsed.

* * *

"Kid, what the hell did you do?"

Kakashi awakened to see Jiraiya glaring at him.

"You're alive," he said numbly.

"Obviously." The Toad Sage huffed in confused irritation.

Kakashi flinched as a fist crashed the nightstand next to his face.

"Brat," growled a familiar voice. A very angry med-nin stared him down.

"Tsunade-sama?" Kakashi asked. "Did I complete my mission? Did I die?"

"Why the fuck are you asking _me?_" Tsunade clenched her fist and the mangled stand fell apart further. "But that's not important now. The _important_ question is why you suddenly collapsed of chakra exhaustion in the middle of a training field, and why you attempted a poison-seal with no supervision _on yourself! _How did you get poisoned in the first place, anyway?"

"It's excellent sealing work, though. I see you used the Evil Sealing Method as the base and added a spiral to help with the suppression. Seriously, when did you get this good?" commented Jiraiya. "I didn't know you used this style." The older man winced at Tsunade's look and nodded to a small frog that promptly disappeared.

Tsunade placed her glowing green hands on Kakashi's forehead. "Interesting," she murmured. "Idiot, when did your chakra become so imbalanced?"

Kakashi stiffened almost imperceptibly. "What do you mean?"

"Don't even try to lie. Your Yin chakra outweighs your Yang chakra two-to-one."

"That's news to me."

Tsunade smacked him. "I told you not to lie to me!"

Kakashi rubbed his head and sighed. "I noticed it a few days ago. I was patrolling on the roof when suddenly everything changed. I thought I was trapped in a genjutsu, so I tried to dispel it. It's been like that ever since." There. Technically not a lie.

The med-nin eyes narrowed slightly. "Hm. Strange."

"Kakashi!" Minato appeared by his bedside. "I came as fast as I could." The blonde man grabbed Kakashi's shoulders. "Don't scare me like that! This is the second time you've collapsed this week! And when I heard about the poison… Kashi, you're lucky Tsunade was here. Don't do that again, you understand?"

"Sure," agreed Kakashi, lying blatantly. "I was just a little careless in testing out a new technique."

Minato frowned. "What technique caused you to lose all your chakra?" said his sensei, voice deathly serious. "It wouldn't happen to be the same one that caused the western half of the forest in Training Field Three to go missing, is it?"

Kakashi blinked. The western half of the forest was missing? Wait, the _western _half of the forest was missing? He'd been facing the east. Damn, he had terrible aim. He'd tried to use Kamui on a tree in the eastern half, and instead he'd wiped out the entire western half. No wonder he fainted from chakra exhaustion.

Kakashi's eyes widened as the realization struck.

_Holy fuck, I have a forest in my eyeball._

"Didn't I tell you how much paperwork blowing up the training fields causes? And the trees! You destroyed all the trees! Do you know how long it takes to regrow them?"

The masked ninja shrugged. "Just bribe Tenzo." He quickly changed the subject before any more questions followed. "Sensei, I have something for you." Kakashi reached into his vest and pulled out a storage scroll. He deftly opened the scroll, and with a puff of smoke, five more scrolls fell out.

"Tada!" he said brightly. "What do you think?"

Jiraiya and Minato examined the scrolls with growing disbelief. The sannin whistled in appreciation, while Minato just stared.

"There's at least seven interlocking matrices and triagrams." Minato's forehead wrinkled with disbelief. "It's codified for a particular signature and set to self-destruct if anyone tampers with it." He looked at Kakashi. "How did you get this?"

"I stole it," he said nonchalantly.

"From where?" asked Jiraiya, eyes still on the scrolls.

"From Danzo's office."

The other three choked. "W-what?"

"Mhm. There's probably something incriminating in there." Kakashi paused. "Oh, do you know if Danzo has any relatives?"

Jiraiya, still recovering from the _last_ bombshell, answered slowly. "Not that I know of… most of his family died during the war."

"Hmm…" he mused. "Guess I'll have to do a DNA test."

"On _who?_"

Kakashi didn't reply. He attempted to get out of bed, but a firm hand pushed him back down.

"You're not going anywhere," said Tsunade sternly. "Sleep, brat."

Kakashi's eyes closed before she finished speaking.

* * *

Three days later, Tsunade had _finally _cleared him for active duty. Kakashi suspected that she had kept him for two days more than necessary to study his chakra imbalance.

Now that he was out and walking the streets, Kakashi noticed something very peculiar. People were staring at him. That wasn't too unusual, considering that he was a notorious ninja who read porn in daylight, but something seemed … off.

"You lucky bastard," said Raido as he caught up with the inter-dimensional Copy Nin.

"What do you mean?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

"Itachi," his friend said bluntly. "That's what I mean."

Kakashi forced his voice to remain casual. "What about Itachi?"

"Playing dumb, huh? Don't try to hide it." Raido scoffed and crossed his arms. "Everyone already knows that you're dating Itachi."

The silver-haired shinobi stopped in the middle of the street. "What?" he said flatly.

"Honestly, you have to tell me how someone with the social skills of a deformed toothpick manage to snag one of the hottest girls in Konoha. And a clan heiress, too! The _Uchiha_ clan heiress! I swear it's the mask. Chicks dig that mystery deal, right?"

Kakashi closed his eye. "I am not dating Itachi."

"Sure you aren't," drawled Raido. "But good luck with convincing her father about your relationship. I don't think that'll go well at all. Before you try, be sure to let me know. I want to see old Fugaku's reaction." The tokubetsu-jounin cackled. "If you die, can I have your kunai collection?"

Kakashi vanished before Raido could say another word.

_Wonderful_, he thought sourly, hiding in his favorite tree. _So that's what was wrong. Everyone thinks that female Itachi and I are a thing. Which we're _not, _by the way. _Kakashi growled with irritation. _I need to go kill someone. Preferably the someone who spread the rumors. So… Jiraiya?_

While he plotted Jiraiya's demise—but not death, because that would mean no Icha Icha—a sound suddenly broke his train of thought. Who would be stupid enough to disturb him? Kakashi wasn't _hiding_, per se. He was simply sitting in his tree, sending out very _very_ strong "approach-me-and-you- will-die" vibes.

Kakashi looked up to see …

Sasuke?

What the hell was an eleven-year-old Sasuke doing here?

He stared at the pale and shaking preteen with bemusement.

"Hatake Kakashi!" said Sasuke, voice quaking ever-so slightly. "Kakashi of the Sharingan, Copy Nin of Konoha, student of the Yondaime! I challenge you!"

The _fuck? _Why was a non-angsty Sasuke _challenging_ him?

"Well, why?" replied Kakashi after blankly looking off into space.

Sasuke bristled. "I know you're Naruto's nii-san, but I can't let this stand!"

"Let what stand?" He leaped down smoothly, causing the mini-Uchiha to flinch. Kakashi hid a grin. His little future/past student was … _adorable_. And yes, he was talking about Sasuke. He never knew that it was possible to actually describe Sasuke as _cute_ if you weren't a preteen girl.

"I … I cannot allow you to tarnish my sister's honor!" he shouted boldly.

All of Kakashi's brain activity froze for a moment. Oh God. Was this happening? Was this actually happening? Was… was _Sasuke defending Itachi's virtue?_ Kakashi tried to stifle the hysterical giggles that threatened to burst out of him.

Once he got back to his dimension, he was telling _everyone _about this. _Everyone._ Kakashi wondered if he should use his Sharingan to record this priceless moment. He'd always suspected Sasuke of having a brother-complex before the other Itachi's murderous ramapage, but this …

"Only someone really strong is worthy of my sister!" continued Sasuke. "Itachi-nee deserves the best! I must become strong to protect my sister from perverts like you!"

If that wasn't a sister-complex, then he didn't know _what _that was. Kakashi's shoulders began shaking with suppressed laughter.

"You better be scared," sniffed Sasuke. "Because I'm going to destroy you!"

Honestly, why did people always suspect him of being scared? He was _Hatake Kakashi._ He didn't _do_ scared.

"Hey brat," said Kakashi snapping his book shut. Sasuke tensed in anticipation. The jounin narrowed his eye. "Aren't you supposed to be at the Academy?"

The Uchiha kid froze.

"That's what I thought." Kakashi smiled with satisfaction. "Playing hooky, huh?"

Quick enough to rival Minato, Kakashi dashed forward and grabbed Sasuke by the abnormally stiff collar. "Why don't I drop you back in school? A strong shinobi can't neglect their education."

"No!" Sasuke wiggled around, trying to twist out of his grip. "Let me go!"

"Oh? You don't want to go to the Academy?" Kakashi grin grew maniacal. "Should I drop you off at the clan compound?"

Sasuke immediately imitated a ramen noodle. "Please don't," he whispered, absolutely still.

"I'm sure your mother would _love_ to hear what you've been up to."

"No! I'm…" Sasuke trailed off.

"You're what?"

The boy gritted his teeth. "I'm … I'm sorry, ok?"

"Glad to hear that!" The grin didn't fade. "I'll just hand you off to your teacher then."

"B-but—"

"Let's go!" Kakashi and his cargo vanished with a swirl of leaves. "Education is important, after all."

* * *

**AN: **This chapter did not have as much fainting as I expected. It did, however, have some mild angst and Sasuke. And the mild angst _wasn't about Sasuke! _

Did I mention that I love reviews? I _really _love reviews. I received lots of reviews, and it made me _so happy!_ Reviews put my muse in overdrive, hence the really early chapter. Thank you so much!

**FluffyDragonsLiveInMyHouse, Nyodrite** (who has some really awesome stories), **KumoNoHito, Darkbeast42, Zeivira, , ****Tsukiyo69,** **Silvermist464, SugoiAuthorToBe** and **miemae04** for reviewing! I really appreciate the feedback!

As per reviewer response and my own thoughts, I'll probably not have pairings in this story. I _am_ really tempted to write a (separate) Kakashi/fem!Itachi fic... but I promised myself to keep only two active stories. Ah well. So many plots, so little time..

The next chapter should contain more misunderstandings, snakes, and potential bad-assery. Criticism, comments, and concerns are always welcome.


	4. Tying Stuff to Trees

**Chapter Four: Tying Stuff to Trees**

_Alternate Title: There Are Actually No Snakes in This Chapter_

_Another Alternate Title: Attack of the Fangirls_

* * *

"Um... senpai, why are you stalking a civilian girl?"

Kakashi looked up and sent a scathing glare in the younger man's direction.

"I am _not_ stalking her." He paused. "And technically, she isn't a civilian. She attends the Academy, you know."

"Academy students are still civilians, senpai. They're only considered shinobi after they become genin."

Kakashi coughed. "Details." He waved his hand dismissively.

Tenzo tapped his chin thoughtfully. Normally, he wouldn't _dare_ tease Kakashi-senpai, but Tenzo was a bit irritated at the moment. The Yondaime had forced him to regrow the half of the forest because _somebody _had blown it up using an unknown jutsu. "This doesn't have anything to do with Itachi-taicho, does it?" The mokuton-user's eyes widened in mock horror. "You aren't cheating on—"

A blast of unadulterated killing intent slammed into Tenzo, making him whimper. He tried to cover the unmanly sound with a cough, but he only succeeded in imitating a dying cat.

"What did you say?" asked Kakashi in a sickly-sweet whisper.

"Nothing!" Tenzo whimpered again.

"Good." Kakashi returned to his... observations of a certain pink-haired girl.

"A-anyway, why are you here, Kakashi-se-sama?"

"Shut up, Tenzo. Your speaking privileges have been revoked."

Tenzo immediately closed his mouth, deciding not to risk it any further. He _liked_ his life, thank-you-very-much.

Kakashi frowned as he mentally compared the two shades of pink for the thirty-second time. No matter how many times he did it, Kakashi always reached the same conclusion. Danzo and Sakura had the exact same hair color. And that was very bad.

He'd have to... procure a DNA sample from the girl. And do it in a _non-creepy_ way. The first part was easy enough, but the second was more difficult. He couldn't very well sneak into her bedroom and steal her hairbrush without being called a pervert, could he? He grimaced. Even the phrase "procuring a DNA sample" sounded perverted and extremely creepy.

Shivering, Kakashi wondered about the implications. A Sakura with Danzo DNA would probably have major self-esteem issues, a tendency towards extreme anger, and an obsession with the Uchiha...

Huh. That didn't sound too different, actually.

Kakashi made a mental note to look up original-Sakura's parents. His dimension's Sakura might have some extra (really fucking scary) dead relatives.

On a slightly more positive note, Kakashi may have finally discovered where the girl's preoccupation with Sasuke had come from. Of course, that suddenly made Sakura's fanglirling much more sinister...

Kakashi stood up suddenly and stretched, startling an extremely tense Tenzo.

"S-senpai-sama, where are you going?"

"Senpai-sama," mused Kakashi. "I like that." He gave a grin that made the younger man quail. "Don't worry. I'm just going to talk to Naruto." The Copy Nin disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Tenzo stared. "The Hokage definitely needs to know about this."

* * *

"I hate fangirls," grumbled Sasuke. The Uchiha and his friend were sitting under a tree in the Academy grounds, wallowing in their misery.

"Me too!" Naruto gave a dramatic moan. "They always stalk me cause I'm the Hokage's son! It's so _annoying_. When I become Hokage, I'm gonna ban fangirls. Believe it!"

Sasuke gave him an unimpressed look. "Why don't you just ask your father to ban them now?"

"Cause that would be_ cheating. _Duh_._" Naruto brightened. "They do get me lots of ramen though. That's nice of them. Right?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Well, they do give me tomatoes sometimes," he muttered. "But then they try to tear my clothes off, so it doesn't count."

A gigantic burst of smoke caused both kids to shriek.

"Oh?" crooned Kakashi, smiling. "Are the icky little kiddies having trouble with fangirls?" _Naruto has _fangirls. _Again, this dimension is fucking _weird_. Actually... does Hinata count as a fangirl? She never actually had a conversation with Naruto before her confession, now that I think about it._

"What do you want?" Sasuke glared at the silver-haired man, almost growling in irritation.

"Kashi-nii! What're _you_ doing here?"

"I'm here to help!"

Naruto peered suspiciously. "Help with what?"

"With your fangirl problem, of course. If you do me a _tiny _favor, I'll teach you a technique to get rid of them."

"How would _you_ know how to get rid of fangirls?" Sasuke sneered.

"When I was in the Academy, I had my fair share of them. I picked up a few tricks, and I guarantee their effectiveness." Kakashi smiled innocently.

"Well, what's the favor, nii-san?" asked Naruto, looking hopeful.

"I need you to obtain a hair sample from a girl named Haruno Sakura. Think you can manage that?"

Sasuke and Naruto blinked.

"Sakura-chan?" The blonde tilted his head. "I know her. But..." He glanced hesitantly at Sasuke.

"She's my worst fangirl," whispered a pale Sasuke. "She stalks me. She stares at me. And... she compliments my _eyes_. Every. Single. Day. _Sasuke-kun, your eyes are so pretty! Can I have them? I want my kids to have your eyes. Please, Sasuke-kun?_"

The Uchiha curled into a ball, looking rather terrified. "They're my eyes. They're _mine._"

"Shh..." comforted Naruto. "You're fine. Sakura's not here right now. You're safe."

_Holy shit,_ thought Kakashi. _Sasuke's been traumatized by Sakuranzo. _

"Well," Kakashi coughed, awkwardly cutting in, "since Sakura's your fangirl, it should be pretty easy to get that hair."

Sasuke slowly looked up. "Will your technique keep her away from me forever?"

A strange gleam came into Kakashi's eye. "Of course."

"Then I'll do it," he said fiercely. "Anything to keep her away. _Anything._"

With horror, Kakashi realized that in this universe, Itachi—Sasuke's driving force and motivation—had been replaced by _Sakura_. He shook the disturbing thought away.

"Anyway, this is what I need you to do..."

* * *

Sasuke and Naruto observed their target from a safe distance.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" asked Naruto, whispering. "I can take your place."

Sasuke shook his head. "No. I have the best chance of completing this mission. We _have_ to learn that technique."

"Um... if you say so. Good luck, Sasuke." He thumped his friend on the back. Sasuke took a deep, steadying breath, and walked into the enemy's camp.

"Sasuke-kun!"

"Oh my gosh, it's Sasuke!"

"Thank you so much! Oh, Sasuke-kun!"

"Silence."

The fangirls' chatter abruptly stopped when their Supreme Leader stepped out. The pink-haired menace snapped her fingers, and all the girls fell into a triangular formation.

"Hello, Sasuke-kun." Haruno Sakura smiled sweetly at her future conquest. "How good to see you." She turned to her fangirls and abruptly barked, "Bento!"

With perfect coordination, the girls all whipped out a bento-box, kneeling as they offered it to their forever love.

Slightly pale, Sasuke responded. "Hello, Haruno-san."

The head girl giggled. "Aw, you can just call me Sakura-chan!" She flipped her hair coyly. "Did you need something, Sasuke-kun? Would you like a bento?"

He took another deep breath. "Actually, I have a request. Could I have..." Sasuke tried to think of a better way to format his question, but failed. "Could I have a few pieces of your hair?"

Sakura's eyes widened. "Of course! You can have all of it, if you want." She grabbed a kunai, prepared to chop her hair off.

"No!" he yelped, staring at her with ill-disguised fear. "Just a two or three strands will do."

Without any hesitation, Sakura plucked four strands of her hair and handed it to Sasuke. "Is the exchanging of hair an Uchiha mating ritual?" she breathed, sending twitters of excitement through the crowd.

Sasuke almost hyperventilated as the fangirls came closer.

"Circle formation!" shouted Sakura. Like a well-oiled machine, the fangirls surrounded Sasuke. The Uchiha closed his eyes as he felt death loom closer.

"Sasuke!" An army of clone Narutos charged the opposing girls. "I'll save you!"

"Pincer-attack, now! Blonde enemy at three o'clock!" The fangirl regiment collided with the clones, and a vicious battle over Sasuke's body began.

"Sasuke," muttered a voice behind the captive. The dark-haired boy turned around to see his best friend crouched behind him. "Run!"

"After him!" shrieked Sakura, pointing at the fugitives.

The two boys fled, barely managing to avoid the battalion chasing after them. Once they had escaped, Naruto and Sasuke collapsed behind a tree, panting. Naruto closed his eyes and shuddered.

"Damn, Sasuke. Your fangirls are _scary. _At least my fangirls just blush, stammer, and get me food." Naruto shook his head slowly. "_Yours_ have an _army._"

Sasuke grunted.

Naruto stood abruptly. "So, did you get the hair?"

The other boy glared. "Of course I did!" He held up the samples. "I almost died getting them. This technique better be worth it."

"Don't worry, it's worth it." Kakashi patted the boys on their heads, startling them and somehow managing to grab the pink strands at the same time. "Thanks, boys."

"No problem, nii-chan!" chirped Naruto, beaming at the best older brother ever, even if he always did the hair-ruffling thing. Sasuke scowled with barely hidden rage, still upset over the older man's pursuit of Itachi-nee.

"What's the technique?" growled Sasuke, patience thinning. He was only tolerating Kakashi because of Naruto and the supposed fangirl-deterrent the jonin had promised to teach.

"It's simple." A dangerous gleam appeared in Kakashi's eye. "It's name is... _kill it with fire_."

* * *

After teaching the kids the new technique, Kakashi made a suitably dramatic exit. Sasuke relaxed slightly, now that the evil sister-poacher had disappeared. Naruto, on the other hand, looked pensive.

"Sasuke?" asked Naruto, frowning.

"Yes?"

"Why do you think Kakashi-nii needed the hair?"

The two stared at each other. "I... don't know." Sasuke looked a bit disturbed. "We never really asked."

Naruto frowned. "Well, Kakashi-nii _is_ a pervert, but I don't think he likes Sakura. He likes your sister, right?"

"What!?" Sasuke blinked. "Wait, you know about that?"

The blonde rolled his eyes. "I'm not _stupid_. Everyone's been talking about it. Of course I know." He grinned brightly. "Isn't it great? If Kakashi-nii and your sister get married, then we'll _actually _be brothers!"

"It's not great!" shrieked Sasuke. He regained control of his emotions and continued. "Besides, he's not _really _your brother."

Naruto looked affronted. "Of course he is! Dad adopted nii-san _ages_ ago."

"Whatever." Sasuke abruptly changed the subject, unwilling to think about his sister in a _relationship_. "I'm going to try the new technique on those fangirls." He walked away, ignoring Naruto. _No one _could date his sister. _No one. _

"Come on, Sasuke! Don't start pouting and brooding!"

"I do not pout or brood!"

"Yeah, you do. You're–"

"Quiet!" hissed Sasuke, pulling Naruto asside. "It's _her._" Naruto said nothing, eyes widening as he noticed the pink-haired girl.

Sasuke exchanged a look with his friend before stepping out from behind the tree. Naruto remained in hiding, prepared to back up his Sasuke if needed.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura smiled sweetly. Sasuke simply stepped forward, as grim as a soldier heading to war. "How are–"

"Katon: Great Fireball Technique!"

Sakura yelped and ducked, barely avoiding the flames. She looked up at her _crush_, eyes sparkling. "Does the use of fire techniques complete the Uchiha courtship ritual?"

The Uchiha responded by sending a few more fireballs at the girl, intent on burning the menace once and for all. Somehow, Sakura avoided all of them and giggled. "Sasuke-kun, you're so enthusiastic! How sweet of you to set the Academy on fire for me!"

Sasuke stopped as he realized that the flames had struck the school. _Huh. You'd think that the ninja training school would be fireproof._

Naruto summed up the situation succinctly, coming out from his hiding place to gawk at the spreading fire. "Crap."

* * *

Minato smiled at Kakashi. The Hokage's smile wasn't the friendly, cheerful one that he was known for. It wasn't the one that said _hi there, let's be friends and save the world! _It wasn't even the one that said _you have disappointed me, but I am smiling to cover up my sadness._

It was the one that said _I am going to fucking kill you, grind you to pieces, feed you to my frogs, and dance on your desecrated bones. And I will _enjoy _it. _

"Kakashi," said Minato, voice oh-so-pleasant. "Why is my Academy burned down?"

"I can explain?" The slouching man edged away from his former-sensei.

"It better be a good explanation." Minato's smile grew wider. "So please do _explain_ why you told my son and his best friend why it was alright to _set fangirls on fire?"_

"It's... effective?"

"Konoha _no longer has an Academy anymore, _thanks to you!_"_

"Um, it was time for a renovation anyway."

"Hatake Kakashi—"

Kakashi jumped out the window, breaking the glass. Nope! Nope-nope-nope. He would not, _could_ not deal with a furious sensei and still expect to stay alive.

He flickered to a nearby tree and tied his hitai-ate on a branch. His headgear probably had a hirashin seal on it, and Kakashi _really _didn't want Minato to teleport behind him and rasengan his head off. Not waiting a moment longer, Kakashi fled the scene.

* * *

"Kakashi?"

"Ah, yes?"

"Why are you in my house?"

Kakashi gave a weak eye-smile. "I needed to ask you something."

Tsunade sighed. "Does this have anything to do with the Academy fire?"

"No." Kakashi reached into his vest and pulled out several hairs. "Could you do a DNA analysis on these?'

The sannin examined the follicles. "Whose hair is this?"

"The shorter hairs belong to Danzo, while the longer ones belong to Sakuranz—er, Haruno Sakura, an Academy student."

Tsunade's eyes widened in horror as she put two-and-two together. "You think _Danzo _has _children?" _She almost dropped the samples on the floor.

Kakashi hummed noncommittally. "Relatives, at least." He glanced at the hair in her hand. "Be careful with those. Do you know how difficult it was to get Sakura's hair?"

"I'm more concerned with how you obtained _Danzo's _hair," commented the medic dryly.

"Not telling!" he replied in a sing-song voice. Kakashi heard a far-off explosion and winced. That sounded liked his former teacher. Crap, he was running out of time. "Please, Tsunade-sama?"

Tsunade sighed heavily. "Fine, brat. I'll do it, but only because I'm as curious as you are. Now get out of my house before Minato finds you. He _is_ after you, right?"

"Uh... thank you, Tsunade-sama!" Kakashi escaped through the window again, landing silently in the alleyway. Mission accomplished. All he had to do now was avoid dying by Minato's hand. He could do it... probably.

* * *

After several hours of hide-and-seek-and-kill, Kakashi ended up in front of the Hokage, tied to the chair.

"Sensei, setting the entire ANBU after me isn't fair," accused Kakashi, miffed.

"Hunting rogue ninja does fall under the ANBU's jurisdiction." Minato leaned back, lounging almost nonchalantly.

"I am _not _a rogue ninja." The Copy Nin viewed his sensei with apprehension. Why wasn't he angry? Shit. It looked like Minato had crossed over from _I-will-kill-you _to _I-have-something-worse-than-death-for-you._

"Perhaps." The Hokage tossed a scroll at him. "I suppose it's partially my fault for keeping you cooped up for so long. Tsunade has cleared you for active duty, so I've decided to assign you a _mission_."

Kakashi carefully opened the scroll, half-expecting a barrage of shuriken to fly out. After nothing happened, he quickly scanned the words and frowned.

"This... this is a B-rank. An ordinary one." The mission was to eliminate bandits near the Fire Country border. Apparently, the group had been terrorizing citizens and kidnapping childre. The mission was nothing unusual or new. And that's what scared him.

"Of course it's a B-rank. You're recovering from a mysterious poison and chakra exhaustion. Did you really think I'd assign you something higher?" Minato then mumbled something that sounded a lot like "though knowing you, it'll probably turn into an S-ranked or worse."

Actually, Kakashi had expected a terrifying, mind-scarring mission in retaliation for burning the Academy. He reread the scroll, trying to find the hidden danger.

"Is there anything else I need to know?"

"Nothing else. It's a perfectly normal mission." Minato grinned. "I'll see you in a few days."

"If you say so, Hokage-sama." Kakashi hid a frown. Just what was Minato planning? After bowing professionally, Kakashi vanished.

Minato's grin grew wider once his former student left. The mission actually _was_ normal. But now that Kakashi was away from the village for a while... he could get his _real_ revenge.

Chuckling, Minato began to write a very important letter. Oh, this would be _fun_.

* * *

Kakashi scouted the area with detached efficiency. These bandits weren't very good. He followed the trail they left and soon found their base. From there, it was smooth sailing. A stab here, a stab there, and voila! Bandit-shish-kebab. He chuckled to himself. Hah. Funny. Shish-kebab. See? He did have a sense of humor.

He smiled at the eleven kids trapped in the cell... wait, eleven kids? His information said _thirteen_ kids had been missing from the nearby villages. Did the other two—Kakashi's eyes widened with realization. _Oh. _They were near the Land of Sound, and Orochimaru was still around. His grin grew wider. Kakashi had finished the mission in just a day, two days ahead of schedule. Maybe he could do some... _reconnaissance_ after he returned the children.

After his mission was completed, Kakashi headed towards the border. If he remembered correctly, Orochimaru had his lab, er, somewhere around there. Damn this alternate dimension and its stupid alternate locations. Always making him do it the hard way...

Biting his thumb, Kakashi completed the summoning.

"Pakkun, Bull," he said, eye crinkling. The pug simply glared from his position on top of the bulldog.

"Boss, where have you been?"

"Uh..." _Oh, nothing. I just broke into Danzo's place, stole some stuff, activated the Mangekyo Sharingan... fuck, this list is too long. I'm not going to summarize the past week's events in my head. _"I've just been busy. You know how it is."

"No, I don't. I'm not you." Pakkun sighed. "So, what do you want?"

"Do you remember Orochimaru's scent?"

"The snake-creep is kind of hard to forget." Despite the casual words, both Pakkun and Bull tensed.

"I need you to track him down."

Pakkun and Bull stared at him in silence. "Ok, Boss has finally cracked. It's about time, really."

"I'm not crazy. I just need you to find him so I can beat him up a little." Kakashi paused. "Well, that _does _sound a bit crazy. But I'm not."

"You're not doing a good job of convincing me," grumbled Pakkun. "Boss, did you forget about what happened the last time we fought against him? He's out of your league!"

Kakashi mentally scrolled through all his interactions (attempted murders) with the snake sannin, trying to remember the meeting Pakkun was referring to. Oh, right! It was when Orochimaru had first betrayed the village. Kakashi, being the arrogant teenager he was, had attempted to arrest him. Of course, Kakashi had failed miserably. The creep had frozen him with just killing intent before gallivanting into the sunset to kidnap children.

"Don't worry," he said cheerfully. "I'm much stronger now."

Pakkun sighed again. "It's your funeral, boss. No, I mean it's _literally _your funeral. I'll find him for you, but you better not die."

"I won't. Trust me." _I've had enough dying for a long, long time. Seriously, being resurrected once is enough for me. But Orochimaru, on the other hand... yes, he deserves to die. Painfully. Multiple times._

With a bark, Pakkun and Bull raced across the grass. Kakashi followed right behind them, a savage grin on his face. It was time for the snake freak to pay for his crimes, past and future. No one messed with his cute students and got away with it. Oh, this would be _fun_.

* * *

**AN: **So... I lied. I planned for snakes and hopefully bad-ass scenes to appear in this chapter, but I got ahead of myself. Take the puppies and fangirls as my apology! Dammit, my chapter previews aren't very accurate.

As always, thank you for the reviews! All of you are awesome. I reached thirty reviews, which means I have a review/chapter ratio of 10 to 1! I love you all so much! (I like numbers a lot. Multiplying and dividing is fun. Prime factorization is more fun. I really like multiples of three and five... those are pretty numbers.)

Everyone who reviews is my friend forever. Even flamers. I _love _flames. They make me happy and entertained. Constructive criticism and kind words are better, but flames are pretty awesome too. I actually haven't gotten a flame on this story... strange.

Sorry about the rambling! Anyway, much thanks to **FluffyDragonsLiveInMyHouse, SugoiAuthorToBe, Darkbeast42, Tatty and Dragon, SadisticAvocado, notBald, miemae04, AenaBuCas **(I will get you your extra, don't worry!), **FlightfootKeyseeker **(About Sakumo... it's a surprise), and **MysteryRiddle **for reviewing!

Also, thanks to _Jen, Love it,_ and _Guest_ for your anonymous reviews! I love you too!

The next chapter should _actually _contain snakes, bad-assery, and an devious Minato. Criticism, comments, and concerns are welcome and encouraged. Thanks again!


	5. Fighting Among Trees

**Chapter Five: Fighting Among Trees**

_Alternate Title: Kakashi Electrocutes Snakes, and Minato is Suspicious_

* * *

A smell similar to dead snakes permeated the air, almost making Kakashi gag.

"Thanks," he coughed to his nin-dogs, thankful for the mask blotting out the smell. "I can take it from here."

Pakkun and Bull shot him simultaneous dubious looks.

"You want to face the _Snake Sannin _by yourself?"

"Eh… yes?"

The pug muttered something that sounded an awful lot like _"god damn fucking humans with cat-shit for brains bark bark bark."_

"I promise I won't die," Kakashi added unhelpfully. He sighed when his companions didn't budge. "You both are dismissed." His last words had the hint of steel that marked it as an order, not a suggestion.

"Right." Pakkun sighed, and Bull whined. "The next time you summon me, I'm going to bite your face off. Be prepared. That is, if you're not dead by then." With those kind parting words, the two dogs disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Kakashi continued his travels through the thick forest, using his keen sense of smell to locate the Snake Sannin.

_Really, they're overreacting. It's just Orochimaru. It's not like the creep's a mystical demon goddess with three freaky eyeballs and frequently reincarnating sons or something. He can't be _that_ bad_. _Right?_

* * *

After a sequence of events involving a forest fire, cooked birds, and exploding ninjas, Kakashi found himself facing off against Orochimaru himself.

"Hello!" The silver-haired ninja smiled, waving at a random tree as he stretched his senses to pinpoint the freaky snake zombie's location. The Snake Sannin was currently trying to screw with his mind by creating terrifying traps and mind-numbing illusions—all while hiding away in this creepy forest. _Ha, jokes on him. I lost my sanity ages ago. And this is nothing compared to the Tsukiyomi._

"Well well, what an honor it is to meet the Yondaime's Dog again," hissed a voice, somehow coming from everywhere. "I've always been rather fond of mutts."

_And small children,_ added Kakashi, keeping a wary eye out for the missing-nin. _Wait, seriously? They also call me the Yondaime's Dog? Come on, Sharingan no Kakashi is much better._

"Oh, you like dogs?" the dimensional-traveler replied, distracted by the _really_ stupid name. "I didn't realize that." Kunai in hand, Kakashi tensed slightly as a shadowy figure appeared before him. He barely hid his apprehension as he wondered how this dimension's Orochimaru was. There was no _way_ the Snake Sannin could be creepier than Sakuranzo and Pink Danzo. Right?

The missing-nin stepped out of the shadows.

What—

Orochimaru was…

"You're normal!" exclaimed Kakashi with relief. The body-stealing murderer looked exactly like the one from his dimension. No unusual hair, no gender changes, nothing was different!

Orochimaru stared at him. Kakashi stared back.

"I have been called many things before," Orochimaru said, a hint of bemusement entering his tone, "but I do not think _normal _was one of them."

"Yeah, well…" Kakashi trailed off awkwardly. Crap, had he really just called Orochimaru normal? He was pretty sure that Orochimaru was the exact opposite of normal. As in, _literally the furthest you could go from normal_. If you looked in the dictionary for normal, _not Orochimaru _was the definition.

The Snake Sannin slowly smiled as he released an incredible amount of killing intent. "Now, what is your purpose here? Did the Yondaime send you?" The atmosphere itself warped under the pressure, distorting the trees around them. The force exerted was enough to make the average jonin completely lose his composure and was more than twice the amount that teenage-Kakashi had faced before.

Kakashi blinked at the other man and simply laughed. "That's it?" he said, still chuckling. "You truly wound me in your estimation. Please, take me seriously. I won't be able to enjoy this if you don't. And I _really want to enjoy this._" The Copy Nin stepped forward almost casually. Compared to the presence of Madara, the zombie Kages, Kaguya the demon lady—hell, even Kyuubi-fied Naruto—this was _nothing._

_Damn, my life is fucked up. _Kakashi ignored the wayward thought and took one more step, summoning his raikiri.

Honestly, it irked him to be underestimated so much. Normally, being underestimated was a good thing. Many enemies had died because they thought he was beneath their notice.

But that didn't apply here. This… was _personal_.

Orochimaru had screwed with his precious students—mentally and physically. He was going to eke out every last bit of pain from the creep.

Sure, revenge was bad and destructive.

Frankly? Kakashi didn't _care._

With the Sharingan open and activated, he grinned.

Orochimaru narrowed his eyes at the silver-haired ninja. He had seen many reactions to his killing intent, but never _laughter_. The Yondaime's student had always treated to him with caution and perhaps even fear—but not disdain_._ Suddenly curious, Orochimaru pupils dilated with the pleasure of a new puzzle.

* * *

With quick efficiency, Kakashi sent a shower of shuriken at his opponent. _Alright, this is just insulting. That's obviously not Orochimaru. _The snake-sannin had sent a clone out to battle with him—and not even one that fought at full strength. Clone-Orochimaru had started laughably incompetent but was slowly increasing the intensity of his attacks as battle went on. _Is he… testing me? How annoying. _

Kakashi ignored the clone's all-too obvious opening, instead choosing to force his enemy back with a combo water-lightning move. It was one he had developed during the war, and one that Naruto had dubbed 'Super Sparky Rain-Blast Jutsu!'

"Intriguing," hissed the fake-Sannin, nimbly avoiding the attack. The clone was barely fighting at twenty-percent of Orochimaru's power, and Kakashi planned to use that to his advantage. With a burst of speed, Kakashi pinned the fake to the wall, hand crackling with concentrated chakra as he pulled back for the final move. It would have never worked on the real Orochimaru, of course, but it was effective on the weaker clone.

"How fitting." The doppelganger sighed, sadness marring its pale face. "My death will be at the hands of a Konoha ninja—a shinobi from the very village I tarred my reputation to defend."

Kakashi blinked at the snake's words, and his eyes narrowed slightly as he tightened his grip on his opponent. "What are you talking about?"

"Why, I only attacked the Hyuuga because the Hokage asked me to!" Creepy-ass golden eyes filled with sorrow, Orochimaru gazed into the Copy Nin's mismatched pair. Kakashi held back a shudder as the snake persisted in speaking. "I thought I would confess the truth to the shinobi who killed me, but I never expected it to be you."

Wait.

Had… had Orochimaru pulled off an _Itachi?_

Oh _hell_ no. There was no _way_ that Orochimaru was a good guy. He was much too disturbing for that.

"While I regret their deaths," the sannin paused dramatically here, "it was necessary to keep the village together."

_Lie,_ snarled his instincts. Without hesitating a moment longer, the silver-haired ninja punched through the clone, dispelling it.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" exclaimed Kakashi, irritated. "Did you really think that would work?"

A low chuckle echoed through the forest. "It generally succeeds with Konoha ninja." The formless voice seemed almost smug. "Even if they do not believe me, it is an effective distraction. Unfortunately, the more intelligent ninja rarely fall for the trick."

_Well, aren't you a bastard? _Kakashi blinked as he realized something. _Uh, did Orochimaru just call me smart?_

"Now," continued the invisible sannin, "let's see how you fare against my… friends."

* * *

_Fucking snakes!_ Kakashi raikiri-ed the hell out of a particularly nasty-looking python. "Are you done sending your little pets after me? I can fry a few more if you want."

Orochimaru slithered closer, no longer content with just watching. "Five," mused the Sannin.

"What?" Kakashi shook the snake-guts off his hand and glared.

"You used the raikiri five times. I was under the impression that four was your limit. Furthermore, your chakra is not at all exhausted. Your skills must have improved," remarked Orochimaru with rather gruesome expression.

_Oh wait. That's his smile_.

"Eh, I've gotten a bit better." Kakashi had completely forgotten about his past limit on the raikiri. He'd worked on his endurance quite a bit during Naruto's two-year vacation, causing his chakra pool and control to increase greatly. Apparently, both skills had carried over into this body, but his muscles' instincts had not. Kakashi grimaced. Although his current body wasn't as scarred as his old one, this younger body lacked the edge that only came from fighting a war. And considering that his Mangekyo Sharingan was still unpredictable… Shit. This was bad.

Luckily for Kakashi, Orochimaru wasn't as strong as he remembered. From the looks of it, the snake-freak hadn't made all his extremely disturbing and powerful modifications yet. if Kakashi had his old body , then he would probably be able to defeat this dimension's snake-summoner. Sadly, alternate-Kakashi's body still needed a lot of training before it could stand on an equal footing with the sannin.

_Okay… all this talk about old and new bodies is goddamn weird. It's also hurting my head. _I'm_ not Orochimaru. I really shouldn't have to worry about old and new bodies. Once again, the universe fucking hates me. Dimensional travel my—_

Kakashi narrowly avoided Orochimaru's tongue-attack, jumping out of the way before countering with easily-deflected kunai.

"Are you becoming distracted? You asked me to take you seriously, but you cannot even concentrate on this battle. Maybe I was wrong about you being worthy of notice," taunted the other man-freak-thing, tongue dangling almost suggestively.

"Did anyone tell you how damn creepy that is?" Kakashi shuddered. "Seriously, what was your thought process? I know!" he mimicked. "I'll just come up with a move that requires me to _lick people!_ It's bad enough you're a pedophile, but being a pedophile with a tongue-fetish is even worse."

_And of course I'm worthy of notice! My raikiri is awesome—and much cooler than _your _signature move. Lightning fists beat pedo-tongue any day, _he thought smugly. _Also, didn't I (technically) outlive old-dimension you? Take that! You may be harder to kill than a cockroach, but…_ Struck by a sudden burst of inspiration, Kakashi grinned.

Orochimaru, who had been gaping at Kakashi, finally recovered his composure. "I am _not_ a pedophile!" he hissed. "Everything I do is in the name of research. You will pay for your _disrespect_."

"Research? You can call giving permanently-cursed hickeys to children _research_? You're more messed up than I thought, _Roachimaru._"

Kakashi smirked, and Orochimaru's eyes widened at the name. Suddenly, the sound of a million snakes' hissing filled the air.

Blinking, Kakashi stared at the incredibly angry sannin. The furious sannin glared back, expression darker than his long and greasy hair, pale fists almost trembling with anger.

"I should probably run, right?" murmured Kakashi.

Orochimaru summoned the Sword of Kusanagi. Kakashi took that as a yes.

* * *

Through luck, determination, skill, and mostly luck, Kakashi managed to lose Orochimaru at the border.

_Maybe randomly confronting one of the most powerful ninja ever to exist wasn't a good idea…_

Kakashi sighed and put on a burst of speed. He really had to come up with a legitimate plan. Mucking around with no purpose wouldn't cut it anymore. If he wanted to save this dimension, he'd have to do it properly.

Once Kakashi finally made it to Konoha, the tired shinobi headed straight to the Hokage's Residence, prepared to give his report. With a graceful movement, he leaped onto the window, deftly propping it open and sliding in. His former teacher and Hokage (still not dead!) looked up from his pile of paperwork, irritation clear on his face.

"I have a door—" Minato paused, and his attitude changed completely. "Kakashi! You're back! What happened? You look terrible!"

"Ran into Orochimaru," he replied succinctly.

Minato opened his mouth, closed it, and stared.

"Only you, Kakashi, only you." The blonde began to massage his head, feeling a headache come on already. "I sent you on a simple bandit mission, and you managed to run into Orochimaru?" He ran his hands slowly through his hair, causing the golden spikes to become even more erratic.

"It wasn't on purpose!" _Well, it was… but that's not important. _Kakashi froze as he noticed something. "Sensei? Sensei!"

Minato began panicking along with his ex-student. "What's wrong, Kakashi? Are you injured?"

"Your hair!"

The Hokage frowned. "What about it?"

Kakashi pushed away the urge to hyperventilate. "There's silver in it!" Was this Minato somehow related to him? Minato wasn't his half-brother or cousin or something, was he? What was with this world and strange hair?

To his surprise, the Hokage laughed. "Of course there's silver! I'm not a young man anymore, Kakashi. I'm well into my thirties, so a little gray is expected."

Minato was… old? That was impossible. His sensei was a ball of sunshine and happiness and youth (_YOUTH!_ shouted an eerily familiar voice in his head) and friendship and—

Old. No. Minato was permanently twenty-something. Kakashi refused to believe anything else. The odd color was just a trick of the light. Or misplaced paranoia after seeing Danzo. Or his tired brain. Or _something._

The graying (not graying!) blonde coughed to catch the jonin's attention. "I believe you were about to debrief before you were distracted by my hair?"

"Oh. Right." As with everything else disturbing, Kakashi grabbed the memory, wrestled with it, and buried it deep down. Now that the unsettling thought had been suitably dealt with, he snapped into mission mode. He efficiently ran through his elimination of the bandits before detailing his extra activities.

"After successfully completely the mission twenty-seven hours after the initial assignment, I noticed that two children were missing from the bandit's hideout. I proceeded to track the trail left by the missing children to the Sound-Fire border, when I caught Orochimaru's scent. I deduced that he took the children and chose to pursue—"

"Wait," interrupted Minato. "You're telling me that you tried to track the two missing children, found Orochimaru's scent, and decided to _follow him alone across the border?_"

Kakashi paused. "Yes?"

Minato's head hit the desk with a thump. "Continue." The order was muffled by the paperwork, but the exasperation was crystal-clear in his words.

"I discovered Roach—I mean, Orochimaru, and engaged him in battle. I determined that a tactical retreat was the best option and withdrew shortly after, returning to Konoha eight hours after the fight."

"Good to know," mumbled the Hokage.

"Oh, I also learned some important information. I don't know how accurate it is," _because this god-awful mutant dimension screws everything up, _"but I think you should keep it in mind." Now that Kakashi had met with Orochimaru, he had an excuse to tell Minato everything he knew about the missing-sannin. "You might want to cancel your other appointments. This will take a while."

* * *

After hearing every detail Kakashi could remember about Orochimaru (which was a lot, sadly), the Yondaime could do nothing but gaze blankly at Kakashi. Carefully, with great effort and an aching hand, Minato pulled himself back together.

"Brainwashed Kazekage?" asked Minato slowly.

"Yes."

"Snake-man resurrection jutsu?"

"Yes."

"Undead zombie Hokages?"

"Also yes."

The Yondaime massaged his forehead. "That's a lot to take in," he said weakly. Suddenly, Minato paused and looked curiously at Kakashi. "How did you learn all this?"

"Orochimaru told me," immediately replied Kakashi. _And I'm an inter-dimensional time-traveler._

With plainly-seen disbelief, his former sensei held up the thick stack of notes he had taken during Kakashi's lecture. "Orochimaru _told_ you all this? During your battle?"

"Yes?" Realizing that he sounded rather unconvincing, Kakashi elaborated. "Ah, you know how those evil psychopathic masterminds are. Always monologing and spilling their evil plans."

Minato's blonde eyebrows had almost vanished into his hairline. "How long was Orochimaru monologing? Two hours? Three?"

Kakashi laughed nervously. "He just talked really fast."

Minato frowned. He didn't push the subject, but his expression clearly told Kakashi that this wasn't over. "Alright. Well, I'll send this down to Intel anyway. If it's accurate, then…" The Hokage grinned, a fearsome light appearing in his eye. "We might be able to get rid of that snake once and for all."

Kakashi eye-smiled back. "Glad I could help, sensei. Now, if you'll excuse me." He faced the window, prepared to flicker out.

"Just _where_ do you think you're going?"

The silver-headed ninja stopped. "Did I forget something, sensei?"

The fearsome gleam in Minato's eye became even scarier. Kakashi resisted the urge to shiver. He knew that smile. Shit. He _knew_ that smile.

Currently, he was looking at Minato's _sweet sweet murderous genocidal payback here I come _smile. In other words, the _Revenge _Smile.

Kakashi knew from experience that Minato's version of revenge was very different from the average ninja's. A regular shinobi or kunoichi, if wronged, might punch the offender in the face. Or perhaps beat them up. Or maybe even play a prank.

_Minato_, if wronged, would punch the offenders in the face, then beat them up, play a prank, sabotage their relationships, assign them the worst missions, throw them in a lake, play another prank, and finally hirashin them to the moon.

And leave them there.

All the while appearing as innocent as can be—without ever leaving a trace of evidence.

Kushina may have been the village prankster, but Minato was goddamn _vindictive. _Sasuke's attempts at revenge had _nothing_ on Minato's.

Trusting his instincts, Kakashi jumped out the window again, only to face-plant into a shimmering barrier.

"That trick won't work twice!" The Yondaime stood up and walked very deliberately to Kakashi, placing his hand on the younger ninja's shoulder. The Copy Nin immediately tensed. "Manners, Kakashi. Did I dismiss you yet?"

"N-no, Hokage-sama."

"That's what I thought. Now, take a seat! I have some things I need to discuss with you."

"Things?" Kakashi checked the chair for traps before hesitantly sitting down.

"Yes. Things like your next assignment, in fact." Minato's grin grew wider. "Well, next few assignments, to be more specific."

Kakashi's finger twitched, but he didn't respond.

"I put your name in the pool for Jonin-sensei. Once he graduates, Naruto will be on your team." _And you better not fail my son_ was the unspoken but clearly present subtext.

He stared at his former teacher. This was perfect. This was absolutely _perfect_.

"Oh. Ok." Kakashi was unable to completely hide his absolute _giddiness _at Minato's words. Now he could keep an eye on all three of his little minions-to-be without attracting attention. He'd make sure that this Team 7 would never split, even if it killed them. "Can I pick the other two?"

Minato looked like someone had suddenly rasengan-ed him in the face. Kakashi hid a smile at his former teacher's shock. With this coup de grâce, Minato had forced Kakashi to take on students (which he assumed the Council was still howling for him to do), annoyed his former student immensely, and given Naruto to a trusted Jonin-sensei who would die to protect his son. Minato's revenge would have been flawless… four years ago, when Kakashi was firmly against teaching any kind of brat.

_This_ Kakashi was content—no, _eager_—to start training his adorable team.

The Hokage still hadn't answered, his mouth open in confusion.

"Great!" Kakashi's eye crinkled. "I want also Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura on my team."

Though it seemed impossible, Minato grew even more shocked, though he finally managed to weakly respond. "Kakashi, that team would be a recipe for _disaster_. Sasuke and Naruto would work well together, but adding Haruno Sakura would completely…" The blonde trailed off and winced at the thought.

"Oh? You know who Sakura is?" Kakashi looked at his old teacher with interest. Sakura had always been the overlooked one. Even the Sandaime, back in his original dimension, had only placed her on Team 7 as an afterthought.

Minato shot him a dry look. "Of course I do. I get a complaint about her every other day. The Academy Teachers call her the 'Fangirl from Hell.' I don't think I've ever seen a more lethal civilian child."

"Even better!" chirped, _chirped _Kakashi. "So you understand how incredible this team could be! They'll definitely surpass the Sannin."

The Hokage blinked rapidly. Alright, something was definitely wrong with his former student. Why was Kakashi _enthusiastic about taking a team?_ He hated children! (Excluding Naruto, but Naruto was Kakashi's brother in every way but blood, so he didn't count.) Minato frowned, intent on getting to the bottom of this.

"Kakashi—" A large thump interrupted the Yondaime.

"Oh?" The silver-haired ninja somehow shrugged in a cheerful way. "That sounds like an ANBU agent crashing into your barrier."

Another thump punctuated his statement.

"Looks like it's urgent. Well, I better go! I don't want to take up any more of your valuable time."

After the third thump, Minato grudgingly deactivated the barrier. "Fine. But don't think I'll let this go," the blonde added, eyes narrowing as he scrutinized the younger's man far too innocent expression.

"I don't know what you mean, sensei. I'll see you later!" He was saved from further interrogation when the ANBU operative finally managed to make it through the window.

Kakashi half-saluted the very irritated cat-masked agent and vanished in a swirl of leaves.

* * *

**AN: **computer crash + tons of work + traveling = late chapter. I am so sorry, everyone! I hope that the abnormally long length of the chapter partially makes up for my tardy update. Sadly, updates will probably become bi-monthly or monthly instead of weekly like they were before.

Also, I was in utter bliss at the amount of reviews, favs, and follows I received. Seriously, HOLY ZEUS THE REVIEWS! I am pretty much willing to marry all of you. Honest.

Much thanks to **KumoNoHito, FluffyDragonsLiveInMyHouse, Igornerd, SugoiAuthorToBe, Igornerd, TegzTsinelas, Hollownerox, PyrothTenka, sootface, Duesal Bladesinger, Zethsuo Rakku** (I hope you liked the scene!), **Completely Confunded, miemae04, MugetsuIchigo, somilmish, Lightningscar, cyan96, Palomides, SandInTheEye, hachi hashi, E3-FantasyandReality, sleepdeprived91, MysteryRiddle, CheddarTrek, and FujoshiKiyo.**

Also, thank you anonymous reviewers _Guest _and _Vouvezsoir._

Special thanks to **Joncis **for his helpful advice.

The next chapter should have Gai (YOUTH!), the other sannin, a Minato-led intervention, a birthday party, Itachi, and arguments. Comments, concerns, and criticism are welcome. If there's anything you liked (or didn't like), please let me know. Thank you!


	6. Wasting the Trees

**Chapter Six: Wasting the Trees**

_Alternate Title: This Chapter Suffers from a Lack of Gai and an Overabundance of Uchiha_

* * *

Once again, the Copy Nin found himself training in an abandoned field near the outskirts of Konoha. His brief encounter with Orochimaru had made Kakashi painfully aware of his limitations. Clearly, his current body wasn't ready for the shit-storm of ridiculous opponents it would soon be facing. Kakashi was going to get his trouble-magnet of a team back, and he wouldn't let anyone hurt his little minions _this_ time.

After he finished his training regime, Kakashi decided to work again on his Mangekyo. Having the advanced form of the Sharingan would be a huge advantage this time around. (Not to mention the rather useful dimension-traveling ability. After all, he still planned on going home. Eventually.) Trump cards were always nice, but the Mangekyo was useless if he couldn't control it. Kakashi raised his hitai-ate, and the three tomoe swirled hypnotically.

"Sir?"

Sighing, Kakashi covered his eye and turned around. He hid his annoyance and smiled at the rather frightened ANBU rookie who had interrupted his training.

"Yes?"

"Hokage-sama requests your presence in his office immediately."

Kakashi nodded abruptly in response, and the relieved operative vanished with a silent blur. After stretching, Kakashi started jogging leisurely in the direction of civilization. If his Minato-Meter was still working, then he still had about an hour left before his former-sensei became irritated.

* * *

From east end of the village, it was a literal hop, skip, and jump to the Hokage's Residence. At least, it _would_ have been a hop, skip, and jump—had a giant hand not suddenly snatched Kakashi out of the sky.

"Jiraiya-sama," he carefully greeted. Kakashi plastered a smile onto his face as he shifted uncomfortably. The Sannin had grabbed Kakashi by his vest, hoisting him into the air like a disobedient puppy.

"Kakashi," grumbled back Jiraiya. The older man made no move to set Kakashi down. Instead, he glared at his student's student with a mixture of suspicion, irritation, and exasperation.

Passerby gawked at the strange sight on the rooftop. Several stopped and openly stared. Out of the corner of his eye, Kakashi even noticed several poorly-concealed ANBU agents watching with fascination. Great. Now they were making a scene.

He discreetly glanced at the sun's position and frowned. Kakashi was already two hours late to his meeting with Minato, and even his former teacher had limits to how long he was willing to wait.

"Although I _am_ happy to see you, I really have to meet with Minato-sensei," Kakashi hinted.

"What a coincidence." Jiraiya's eyes narrowed. "I've got a scroll for him. You can deliver it to him for me, right?"

"Uh… the meeting's urgent," he hedged. "I don't think I have—"

"Oh, shut up." Jiraiya began dragging his grand-student across the rooftops, heading in the opposite direction of the Residence. Kakashi tensed slightly, prepared to make a run for it. "And if you escape—or even try to," the Toad Sannin added, "I'll tell Tsunade to catch you up on your medical checkups. _All_ of them."

Sullenly, Kakashi crossed his arms and acquiesced.

Once they arrived at Jiraiya's home, the Sannin unceremoniously dumped Kakashi on the floor. Jiraiya ran through several seals, and the house glowed with the light of chakra as the complicated seals activated.

"Here, brat." Jiraiya handed Kakashi an oddly-familiar scroll. _Wait… this is one of the scrolls from Danzo's hideout._ Gingerly, he opened the scroll, admiring the careful counter-sealing etched on the paper.

"Oh, and take these too." The Sannin tossed Kakashi eight more scrolls. The younger shinobi snagged them out of the air with nonchalance.

"What are these?" he asked as he examined the unfamiliar scrolls.

"Those are some of Danzo's other scrolls," answered Jiraiya. The older man looked mildly surprised when he noticed Kakashi's blank expression. "What, you didn't hear about that?" Jiraiya paused and answered his own question. "Never mind. You were on that mission. Anyway, Minato and I were working on decoding the sealing arrays on Danzo's scroll. When we finally unlocked the scrolls, we found out that… Danzo hadn't disbanded ROOT."

Kakashi tried to act shocked. "What? ROOT's still active? What a surprise!"

Jiraiya frowned with suspicion and stared at Kakashi for a solid minute. Kakashi suppressed the urge to fidget and instead kept his expression of false surprise. Finally, Jiraiya resumed speaking.

"As you can guess, Minato threw a fit and shut everything down. Or at least, he tried to. We still aren't sure how deep ROOT's roots are." The Sannin snickered once before continuing. "Danzo's been arrested, thankfully. He's with T&amp;I right now, but the senile bastard hasn't cracked yet. So _I _have the wonderful task of unsealing all the geezer's scrolls!" Jiraiya angrily gestured to the giant pile of papers behind him.

Kakashi felt slightly apprehensive. "While I appreciate you telling me all this… why _are_ you telling me all this?" _Isn't Minato-sensei supposed to brief me?_

Jiraiya smiled savagely. "You got me into this mess. You're going get me out of it. I talked to Minato, and he agreed to give you the _honor _of assisting me. Isn't that great? You get to be my personal slave!"

"Uh…" Kakashi backed away. "I'm a bit busy right now. I promised to help an old lady with her groceries."

"Dismantling an illegal splinter faction is more important than groceries." Jiraiya dismissed the excuse. "In fact, it's _so_ important that we should get started _right now_."

The Toad Sannin cackled when Kakashi's face turned the same color as his hair. With sadistic glee, Jiraiya threw several more scrolls at the younger shinobi. Now looking rather swamped under all the paper, Kakashi tried again, this time using a more legitimate reason.

"But Minato-sensei and the meeting…"

"I already sent a toad. He knows where you are." Jiraiya glanced expectantly at Kakashi. "Well, what are you waiting for?"

Sighing heavily, Kakashi sat at the table and began the tedious work of unsealing each of Danzo's scrolls. Sadly, each seal was unique and required a completely different counterseal. He methodically began the long process, first analyzing the matrices before working the triagrams. Kakashi repeated the procedure several times, soon losing himself in the monotonous task.

"What are you doing?" Jiraiya's harsh voice cut through his concentration.

Kakashi froze, brush hovering above the paper.

"I'm unsealing the scroll."

"Give me that!" Jiraiya grabbed the previously mentioned artifact and scrutinized the drawn symbols, studying the ink with intensity. After a few seconds, he handed the paper back to Kakashi with mild surprise. "Huh. You _were_ unsealing the scroll."

"Obviously." Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "What did you think I was doing?"

"It's just that... your methods are so strange." Jiraiya frowned. "Why are you using _that_ method?"

The Hatake shrugged, suddenly self-conscious and a little nervous. _For some reason, my sealing has made Jiraiya even more suspicious. Dammit. I was planning on asking him about the Akatsuki, but that will only make things worse. _Hiding his discomfort, Kakashi ducked his head and continued with the counterseals.

* * *

Minato grinned when he saw a miffed Kakashi enter his office with a bundle of scrolls.

"I see that you've finished decoding the second batch of scrolls. Excellent!"

Kakashi simply glared at the smug blonde—who looked as pleased as a toad with a particularly obese fly. Minato was a firm believer in the adage about revenge and cold food. Except Minato also believed in serving _that_ dish repeatedly.

"Is there anything _else_ you needed?" _Any other acts of retribution you wish to carry out? This is payback for the Academy, isn't it. _

"Hmm…" The Yondaime pretended to think about it. "Actually, yes. Itachi's birthday is in a week."

The inter-dimensional traveler blinked. "So?"

"You're coming to the birthday party."

Kakashi nearly dropped the scrolls onto the floor. "_What!?_" Carefully, he set the delicate pieces of parchment on Minato's desk. Then, he continued. "Why hell would I go to _Itachi's _birthday party?" _The words _birthday party, Itachi, _and_ me _should never be in the same sentence. Ever. _"Besides, don't the Uchiha elders hate me?"

Minato scoffed. "Who cares what they think? Their opinion is irrelevant. You were Itachi's captain in ANBU, you'll be Sasuke's jonin-sensei in a few weeks, _and_ you were my apprentice. If you can't attend the party, then no one can." Kakashi knew from experience that the last sentence was no idle threat. Fuck. Now he couldn't even use the elders as an excuse.

The blonde's grin grew wider. "Why aren't you excited? Don't you want a chance to woo Itachi-chan?"

_No. No, I am not_ _excited. I will _never_ be excited for a chance to woo Itachi. I don't even want to _think_ about it._

The Yondaime almost pouted. "Come on, Kashi! It'll be fun! The celebration requires formal attire, so you can wear a kimono. I'm sure a certain _someone_ will be really impressed. Girls love kimonos!"

Kakashi's visible eye twitched slightly. _Formal wear? Fuck no._

"Please?" Minato's eyes grew wide, and the Copy Nin was oddly reminded of Naruto begging for ramen. Kakashi coughed and tried to change the subject away from Itachi—anything to distract his former sensei.

"So, I heard that ROOT wasn't disbanded."

Minato's expression immediately grew sober, and Kakashi felt slightly guilty for ruining the cheerful atmosphere. Then he remembered that Minato was trying to _set him up with Itachi, _and the guilt disappeared.

"Correct," said the blonde. "Danzo has been running ROOT right under our noses." The Hokage sighed, looking several years older. "And the methods he used to train them…" Minato's fists clenched, and Kakashi caught a glimpse of thunderous fury on the normally cheerful man's face.

The silver-haired shinobi felt a shiver run down his spine. _I'd hate to be Danzo right now. Well, I'd hate to be Danzo at any time, but I would hate especially hate to be him right now. _Minato had been the one to raise the Academy graduation age—and he had always been a firm advocate for letting children be children, something that had always annoyed the younger, stick-up-his-ass Kakashi. Danzo was _literally_ ruining childhood and basically stood for the opposite of everything Minato believed in.

With casual, totally-not-planned indifference, Kakashi examined one of the scrolls. "Did you encounter an operative named Sai?" Ok, that wasn't even _close_ to subtle. Oops. _I blame Minato for my occasional flashiness and lack of tact._

Startled, the Yondaime looked up. "Actually, I did. The twelve year old…" Minato trailed off. "How do you know about him?"

"You should definitely assign him as Tenzo's apprentice," said Kakashi, ignoring his ex-sensei's question. "Sai needs someone slightly stable, and a student will help Tenzo become less… Tenzo. Also, they both have really weird abilities. They're perfect for each other!"

Minato blinked once. "Huh. You're right." He scribbled a note down before redoubling his glare. "But that's beside the point. Answer the question, Kakashi."

"It's because of Orochimaru," he replied smoothly. "He was working with Danzo, and he told me about ROOT." _When in trouble, blame Orochimaru. It's not a shinobi rule, but it should be one. Maybe I should petition for it to be added as a sub-clause for Rule 29._

The Hokage looked a bit confused as he pondered Kakashi's answer. "But didn't you discover ROOT _before_ you met with Orochimaru?"

There was a beat of awkward silence.

"Maybe?"

"Kakashi…" A hint of warning entered Minato's voice. "I have a feeling that you aren't being entirely honest about this Orochimaru situation."

Kakashi winced. _But speaking of Orochimaru and honesty… _

The Copy Nin had been brooding over the Snake Sannin's words in the forest—specifically, the ones about the Hyuuga. He had dismissed the claim initially, but after returning to the village and doing some research, Kakashi had found some discrepancies in the village records. _Oh, to hell with subtlety. Ninjas don't really need to be subtle. _

"When I was fighting against Orochimaru," Kakashi said slowly, "he also mentioned something about the Hyuuga." For once, this was something that the Snake Sannin had _actually_ said. "Sensei, did Orochimaru massacre the Hyuuga clan on orders from the village?"

A pause that lasted a moment too long. Then, an overly-bright smile.

"Of course not! That's ridiculous!"

_Lie._

"Yeah, that's what I thought," murmured Kakashi. He averted his eyes and stared at the toad figurine on the Hokage's desk. "I should probably go now. Jiraiya-sama is waiting for me."

Minato glanced down at his papers, a mixture of emotions clouding his bright blue eyes. Kakashi didn't wait for a response.

* * *

Partly out of misplaced guilt and fear of continued retribution, the Copy Nin _did _end up going to Itachi's party. In a kimono.

"Kashi-nii," whined Naruto, "why do I need to wear this stupid dress?"

Well, at least he didn't have to suffer alone.

"Because of the Uchiha," he replied shortly. Everything bad could be traced back to the Uchiha.

Naruto groaned. "But it's so _stupid!"_

"You mentioned that already."

The blonde crossed his arms and groaned. "This party's boring. Where's Sasuke? I looked _everywhere _for him!"

"He's by the pillar next to the third table."

"Oh." Naruto squinted. "You're right! Thanks, Kashi-nii!" The boy sprinted to Sasuke, loudly shouting his friend's name.

Kakashi smiled with mild exasperation. Naruto was apparently obnoxious and noisy in _every_ dimension. Finally alone, Kakashi did his best to blend into the background. He'd managed to avoid socializing with everyone but Naruto, and he intended to keep it that way.

Then he noticed Asuma standing in the corner, chatting to some unimportant shinobi.

Well, Kakashi supposed he could make an exception for dead-but-not-dead friends. He quietly made his way to the bearded jonin, waiting until Asuma's conversation was over before catching the man's attention.

"Kakashi!" exclaimed the Sarutobi. "You're here! And… in a kimono."

"Yes." Kakashi grinned and reached out to briefly clasp Asuma's arm—partly as a friendly gesture, partly to reassure himself that Asuma was actually real. "I missed you," he said warmly. _Try not to die again, ok? _

Asuma blanched. "What happened? Did someone die? Are _you_ going to die? Oh God. What's wrong? Tell me, Kakashi!"

Kakshi quirked an eyebrow. "Nothing's wrong. Nobody died." _Why does everyone freak out when I express emotion? Is it really that unusual? _Kakashi thought about it for a moment. _Never mind__._

"But… but you…" The other main flailed as he searched for words. The inter-dimensional traveler rolled his eyes.

"Where's Kurenai?" asked Kakashi, changing subjects before his friend suffered from an aneurysm.

Asuma's eyes widened, caught off guard by the sudden shift in topics. "She's on a mission. Why?"

"You should marry her," he advised.

Asuma almost swallowed his unlit cigarrete. He choked, nearly falling over as he hacked and coughed. "Where the _fuck_ did that come from?" wheezed Asuma.

_You were planning on marrying her anyway. You two didn't get a chance in my dimension, and that's something Kurenai always regretted. _Kakashi stared blandly at the former Hokage's son. "Asuma, even _I _noticed your relationship with her. I think it's time to ask her the big question."

The other jonin's jaw dropped, and he gaped at the nonchalant shinobi. Desperate to end the conversation, Asuma searched wildly for a diversion. "Itachi-san!" he called out, noticing that the kunoichi was alone by the refreshments. The Uchiha heiress turned and made her way to the two ninja standing at the back.

_Why!? Why is this happening? I do _not_ want to associate with female-Itachi! Being seen together will only make things worse!_

"Sarutobi-san," greeted Itachi. Her eyes flickered to Kakashi. "Hatake-senpai."

"Uchiha-san," Kakashi replied stiffly. Asuma glanced at his friend with surprise. The atmosphere between the two former teammates was awkward and definitely not normal. Asuma didn't know if the rumors were true… but something had certainly changed.

The uncomfortable silence continued. "Uh… happy birthday, Itachi-san." Asuma had already said it to her before, but he said it again to break the tense mood.

"Yes." Kakashi looked away. "Happy birthday."

"Thank you." Itachi fixed Kakashi with a piercing gaze. Kakashi did his best to ignore her.

"If you'll excuse me," the silver-haired shinobi said abruptly. He walked away, leaving the Uchiha and Sarutobi to stare after him. The remaining two stood in silence for a few moments.

Asuma looked back at Itachi. "If you don't mind me asking… what happened?"

Itachi shrugged almost hopelessly. "I do not know."

* * *

In the meantime, Kakashi hid in the corner of the room, nursing a glass of wine. _Why did I ever think socializing was a good idea? Talking to people always causes problems._

"Are you enjoying the party?" A mellow voice interrupted his introspection.

_No! _"Of course." Kakashi smiled and inclined his head. "Uchiha-dono."

The Uchiha matriarch smiled as well. "Mikoto is fine."

Kakashi nodded absently as he furtively searched for an escape route.

"Have you tried the refreshments?"

"Yes. The wine is excellent." The jonin began inching away from the retired kunoichi.

"I agree. My husband was the one to choose the selection." Mikoto laughed lightly. "Believe it or not, he also choose Itachi's kimono. It looks beautiful on her, don't you think?"

"…I suppose."

A frightening gleam came into the Uchiha's eyes. _Shit._

"I am glad to hear that," said Mikoto, satisfaction bleeding into her tone.

He gulped. "Uh, it was nice talking to you!" Kakashi took the opportunity to escape. Nothing good ever happened when an Uchiha had that expression. He knew that all too well.

Kakashi decided to head to the gardens—most of the people were still inside, mingling and fraternizing. He should be safe outdoors. Kakashi immediately relaxed when he reached the elegant grounds. There was a reason he hated parties; all those people made him feel cornered and jittery. Kakashi leaned against a large oak tree with relief, relishing the relative quiet. Now, if only he had his _Icha Icha_…

"No, I hate _you!"_ shrieked a familiar voice. Kakashi immediately tensed, and the pleasant feeling evaporated. _That was Naruto. What happened? _Kakashi felt slivers of panic creep into his heart. _Did Sasuke suddenly become murderous? It's a bit early and entirely unexpected, but who knows what goes on in that kid's mind?_

Kakashi's eyes narrowed as Naruto burst out from the bushes with tears running down his cheeks.

"Naruto, what's wrong?" Kakashi's hand went to his hidden kunai.

The blonde immediately changed directions and ran towards Kakashi. He latched onto the jonin, burying his face into the kimono. Kakashi awkwardly patted the boy's head, unsure of how to offer comfort.

"I-it's Sasuke," hiccuped Naruto. _Of course. It's always Sasuke. _

"What did Sasuke do?" _Please don't tell me he tried to kill you._

"He… he said he wasn't my friend anymore!" Naruto shouted. "I was talking 'bout you and how you were going to marry Itachi and Sasuke got mad and he said you were stupid so I got mad and said you weren't stupid but then Sasuke said he hated me and I punched him and he punched me so I kicked him and he ran away and I did too!"

_Oh. That's… better than I expected. But I still don't know what to do._

He hugged Kakashi tighter. "I'm sorry, nii-chan! I just got mad cause he was being mean so I—"

"Breathe," ordered Kakashi. "And relax. It's not your fault."

Naruto's sobs slowly subsided. Kakashi watched with mild fascination as the bruise on the boy's cheek began to fade. He ruffled Naruto's hair before picking the kid up and carrying him inside, ignoring the squirming boy's protests. Kakashi would give him to Minato. Minato would know what to do. Crying kids were _not_ Kakashi's forte.

Kakashi stopped in his tracks when he realized something terrible.

_Naruto and Sasuke hate each other now. Aw, fuck! Does this mean I have a dysfunctional Team 7 again?_

* * *

**AN: **I actually have the scene with Gai all written out, but it didn't mesh well with this chapter. Aargh, sorry! I don't try to mislead readers on purpose! My previews really are inaccurate; I copy-and-paste from my outline, but I apparently underestimate the length of each scene.

_Branches _has reached several milestones! It has over 100 favorites, and 200 follows! (It's also over 50 pages long, which is the most I've ever written for a story.) Thank you, everyone!

Thanks to **FujoshiKiyo, Poppy Grave Dreams, Palomides, SugoiAuthorToBe, Igornerd, GlaresThatKill, Completely Confunded, 1000 Faces of Pain, Zethsuo Rakku, Burai Stelar, TegzTsinelas, FluffyDragonsLiveInMyHouse, Lightningscar, Darkbeast42, sootface, PyrothTenka, SandInTheEye, Jumpingbeans480, Hakazu, darkerdeepdown, x-Taiiwo-x, haphazard1, mayday237892,** and **Viridian** for reviewing! Your reviews make my day brighter. They really do. Also, thank you anonymous reviewers _cyan96, guest, _and_ vouvesoir._

A huge shout-out to **Whispering Darkness**! Thanks for recommending this story! Her/his oneshot _The__ life and times of Hatake Kakashi, nukenin _features a dimensional-traveling nukenin Kakashi. It's pretty awesome.

So... this chapter tied up some loose ends and introduced some new ones. Don't worry, we haven't seen the last of Danzo. He isn't defeated that easily.

The next chapter should include Gai (TRUTHFULLY AND YOUTHFULLY), the intervention, and... either Itachi or Team 7. Maybe both. I'm not really sure, to be honest. We're almost at the start of "canon!" Team 7 adventures, here we go! (Dimension-hopping Kakashi, Sakuranzo, stable/well-adjusted Sasuke, and a Naruto taught by the Yondaime. On one team. Yup.)

As always, comments, criticism, and concerns are encouraged.


	7. Burning the Trees

**Chapter Seven: Burning the Trees**

_Alternate Title: Finally Gai! And More Misunderstandings._

* * *

The inter-dimensional traveler leapt across the rooftops, intent on getting home as soon as possible. He really needed a long, hot shower—

"MY ETERNAL RIVAL!"

Well, there went his plans for relaxation.

Tears streamed down Gai's face as he barreled towards Kakashi. "I HAVE RETURNED!" His smile gleamed bright enough to blind—dazzling in its luminescence, more radiant than a thousand suns burning with Springtime.

As usual, Gai swept Kakashi into a hug, intent on sharing his Youthful Affection for his Rival.

And Gai almost dropped him when _Kakashi returned the gesture._

Sure, the hug was brief, but Kakashi _allowed_ it. He did not use kawarimi, shunshin, or some other technique. He did not disappear, act indifferent, or try to avoid the attack—er, hug. For Youth's sake, Kakashi didn't even sigh in barely concealed irritation!

Slowly, Gai set Kakashi down and grabbed his shoulders, peering at his friend.

"My Eternal Rival," said Gai carefully, volume closer to a normal person's, "Are you alright?"

"Of course." Kakashi smiled, eye crinkling in genuine happiness. Though Kakashi would never admit it out loud, Gai was one of his closest friends. An exuberant (if mildly disturbed) Gai—compared to the crippled one who had nearly sacrificed his life to save the world—was a joy to see.

"Has some Discontent from the depths of Winter struck you?" The taijutsu master eyed his friend with suspicion.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." Kakashi blinked as he got a closer look at his friend. Now that he was no longer overwhelmed by the man's personality, Kakashi realized something rather important. "Gai. You're blue."

At this point, the dimensional traveler had already passed the event horizon of freaking out.

All the weird changes had left him simply numb. Frankly, Kakashi was tired of reacting to every difference. At this point, he honestly wouldn't care if Madara burst out of the Hokage Mountain on a unicorn.

While Kakashi was staring into space, wondering about his sanity, Gai had struck Nice Guy Pose #45.

"Of course I am Blue!" he boomed. "I am Konoha's Blue Beast!"

Yeah… no. It had taken Kakashi ten years to become desensitized to the green suit. He wasn't going to go through that terrible process again. Sure, Gai's suit might actually match his _name_ in this dimension, but that really didn't matter. "Come on, Gai."

"Where are we going, Esteemed Rival?" Gai's caterpillar eyebrows mashed together. Was his Rival… _voluntarily_ spending time with him?

Kakashi simply shrugged before taking off across the rooftops. After meandering around Konoha for a bit, he finally found the village's oldest shop. Besides being ancient and excellent in regards to weapons, the shop—simply known as the Shop—was also known for having the worst possible taste in regards to clothing. Obviously, Gai did all his shopping there.

(Until Gai dragged Kakashi along to the Shop for one of the challenges, Kakashi had simply assumed that the bodysuits poofed into existence on Gai-power alone. Sadly, his misconceptions were corrected when Gai challenged him to a jumpsuit-wearing contest. Kakashi immediately forfeited.)

The Shop was run by a deaf old man who had lived through the Warring Clan Era and all three wars. No one really knew how that was possible, but it was generally accepted as a fact of life. Water was wet, fire was hot, and the old man was alive.

Said old man immediately shouted at them, waving his kunai-tipped cane with enthusiasm.

"Gay! Kakapoo! I have a new shipment of shuriken, fresh from the forges!"

"Most Youthful Old Man!" Gai shouted back. "It is an Honor as always!"

"Eh? Didn't Hotaka die?"

Kakashi winced as Gai and the old continued their conversation/shouting match. Soon, the discussion grew loud enough to make firecrackers sound like whispers.

Unable to stand it anymore, Kakashi coughed to get Gai's attention. It was time to put his plan into action. "Gai, why do you wear blue?"

The taijutsu master puffed out his chest, calling attention the suit that looked like the heavens had spewed neon barf all over it. "Because Blue is the most Youthful Color! It is the Hue of the Spring Skies, the very Symbol of Limitlessness!"

"Actually, isn't green the most youthful color? Green is the Color of Spring, and Spring is the most Youthful season, right?" Kakashi immediately grimaced. Gai-speak always made him feel vaguely sick. Regardless, he continued on. "You should wear this suit instead." After some searching, Kakashi found a familiar green tracksuit on the rack. He pointed at it

Gai froze.

Kakashi's hand instantly went to his weapons pouch. Gai being still meant one of two things: enemies or sudden bursts of Youth. Both were equally dangerous.

"Eternal Rival," breathed Gai, "you are right. Green _is_ a youthful color."

_Mission accomplished._

Gai continued to gaze at the suit. "And Blue is youthful as well. As is Red."

Wait... what?

"And Orange and Purple and Yellow! All the Colors in this Amazing World are Youthful!" Gai reached into the clothing racks and pulled out the Most Horrifying Monstrosity Known to Man.

"From this day forth, I shall be known as the RAINBOW BEAST! Thank you, Eternal Rival! I must share my Youthful New Image with the World!"

The newly-dubbed shinobi ran out of the store in a burst of color.

Kakashi stared mutely after him.

Remember that thing he said about crossing the Event Horizon of Strangeness?

_I take it back. I take all of it back. _

Slowly, the Copy Nin closed his eyes.

_What have I done?_

* * *

Minato knew something was wrong.

He hadn't become the Yondaime for his looks, after all. His analytical mind and extraordinary people-skills had served him well as a soldier and even better as the Hokage.

"Kakashi's acting strange."

"You think?" Jiraiya snorted. "You'd have to be blind not to notice."

Troubled, Minato ran his fingers through his hair. "His personality's changed. He's become more… relaxed. He's a bit, well, happier? Not that that's a bad thing, it's just—'"

"Strange and somewhat terrifying?" supplied the Sannin.

"Exactly." Minato's frown deepened. "And Kakashi seems to know… things."

The older man raised an eyebrow. "Things?"

After activating an additional (and rather unnecessary) privacy seal, the Hokage continued. "Things he shouldn't know. Things like… Orochimaru."

Jiraiya inhaled sharply. "He knows?"

"Yes," confirmed Minato. "He asked me if Orochimaru was innocent."

The white-haired man slowly shook his head. "Fucking hell. First he discovers ROOT, then he learns all of Orochimaru's plans, and now…" The Sannin sighed. "I'm getting too old for this shit." He rubbed his temples and grumbled under his breath. "But you have to admit. It's all pretty suspicious."

"I know."

"Have you talked to the Yamanaka yet?"

The Yondaime's eyes narrowed. "No. Why?"

"Well, a mind-probe might—

"I am _not_ subjecting Kakashi to an invasive procedure reserved for traitors and spies!" snapped Minato. "He's been acting strange, but he's done _nothing _wrong. His actions have only helped Konoha!"

The sannin frown grew deeper. "I'm only saying this because I care, Minato. I don't want you to make the same mistake as Hiruzen-sensei."

"Kakashi is _not_ Orochimaru." There was a long pause. "And if—_if_ he was, I would not hesitate to take further action," Minato said quietly. He held his teacher's gaze. "I'll keep an eye on him for now, but I will _not _do anything else without proof."

The toad sage sighed deeply. "Alright." Jiraiya hesitated for a moment, deliberating his next words. "Say, did you teach Kakashi a new sealing style or something?"

Minato blinked at the non-sequitur. "What do you mean?"

"Kakashi was helping me unseal those scrolls, and his style was completely different. I mean, it was damn good, but completely different from what he normally does. It's almost like he… retaught himself or something."

"You're not making sense, sensei."

Jiraiya huffed. "It's like Kakashi forgot half your teachings and replaced it with this weird, unorthodox mishmash. He's using the basic seals in a ridiculous, though effective, way."

Minato stared at the older man. "That's… Oh."

"Yeah."

Minato narrowed his eyes. He was definitely getting to the bottom of this.

* * *

"You too?" asked Genma.

"Yeah." Asuma's fingers twitched towards his carton of cigarettes. "Did we get called for mission?"

"Dunno." Genma chewed on his senbon. "I know Raido's off on special recon or something. Maybe it's related?"

Both the jonin jumped when the door opened.

"MOST ESTEEMED FRIENDS!"

Genma's eyes bugged. Asuma choked on his own breath. The multi-colored Gai simply beamed. "How Youthful to see You!"

The tokubetsu jonin let out a strangled whimper while the Sarutobi shut his eyes as he tried not to hyperventilate.

"What the hell…" said Genma weakly.

"G-Gai. You… you what… that…" Asuma gave up and concentrated on keeping the remaining threads of his sanity.

"I see you have noticed my New Jumpsuit of Springtime!"

Thankfully, before Gai could continue his Oration of Youth, the door opened a second time. The Yondaime strode in, coat flaring. The two Sannin and an ANBU operative followed right after.

"I'm sure you're all wondering—" Minato did a double-take when he noticed the _vibrant _taijutsu master. Valiantly, the Hokage continued, "wondering why I summoned you here."

The ANBU member nearly walked into the wall, the suit blinding him with its pure luminescence. After regaining his bearings, the operative attempted to fade into the background. The masked shinobi finally gave up on stealth and simply stood behind the Hokage while glaring at the oblivious taijutsu master.

Minato tried to ignore both Gai's new uniform and the traumatized expressions on the other's faces. "The matter is of utmost importance." The Hokage's serious words caused the other ninja to become solemn. Well, all the other ninja excluding Tsunade; she still looked like she wanted to punch Gai through the wall.

The Yondaime paused, letting the importance of the situation sink in. "It's about Kakashi," he said quietly. "He's been a bit... different."

There were murmurs of agreement.

"You can say that again," mumbled Genma.

"Even his chakra's changed." Tsunade crossed her arms. "He has one of the worst spiritual imbalances I've ever seen."

The ANBU operative seemed almost desperate to say something, but he simply shifted positions slightly.

"Indeed!" boomed Gai. "My Eternal Rival has become more Youthful! He returned my Friendly Gestures and recommended my Wardrobe Change of Springtime!"

The tokubetsu jonin glanced at Gai and shook his head slowly. "_Kakashi_ recommended that? Fucking goddamn rainbows… _Rainbows._ Was blue not enough?" mumbled Genma. "I'm going to fucking kill him."

Asuma spoke up. "Kakashi actually recommended that I _marry _Kurenai. How the hell did he know? And when did he start caring about relationships?"

"Um… Asuma, it's actually pretty obvious." Genma rolled his eyes.

The other jonin ignored his friend and continued. "And he's acted abnormally strange around Itachi. The atmosphere is beyond awkward. It's almost… as if…" Asuma trailed off and frowned.

"Yes…" mused Minato. "His attitude towards Itachi has certainly become different. Perhaps there's a problem in their relationship."

Genma pursed his lips. Kakashi _had_ been acting strange around Itachi. He kept avoiding the Uchiha heiress, even though they were supposed to be dating. Everyone knew of Kakashi's commitment issues, but the Copy Nin's sudden cold feet made no sense unless something drastic like... Suddenly Genma's eyes widened, and his senbon clattered to the floor. Everyone turned to look at the tokubetsu jonin. "Holy shit," he breathed. "Is Itachi pregnant?"

There was a moment of silence. Then, utter pandemonium.

* * *

Kakashi had a stalker.

Granted, his stalker was a very good one. Annoying, but very good.

Despite being a fairly good sensor, Kakashi couldn't sense his mysterious follower at all. In fact, the only reason he knew he _had_ a stalker was because of pure luck and a good nose.

"I know you're there."

Silence.

Kakashi sighed. "I'm a tracker. I know when someone's following me."

After a few minutes, the leaves rustled. Suddenly, the stalker appeared before him.

"Hatake-senpai," greeted the Uchiha heiress.

Kakashi blinked once. That was unexpected. "With all due respect… why the hell are you stalking me?"

Itachi's expression didn't change. "I was not stalking you. It was simply a coincidence."

He raised an eyebrow. "It's simply a coincidence that we ran into each other in an abandoned field on the outskirts of Konoha?"

The slightest hesitation. "Yes."

He stared at her. She stared back.

"Alright then." Kakashi turned away. "Now, if you'll excuse me—"

"Hatake-senpai! Stop running away!" Itachi raised her voice in anger. Kakashi stopped dead in his tracks.

He paused, and then faced her again. "What do you mean?" he asked warily.

"I am not blind," she snapped. "I know that you are avoiding me." Itachi quickly regained her composure, the placid mask settling once more on her face. "That was very unbecoming. Please forgive me."

A few seconds passed.

Suddenly, Itachi bowed. "I am sorry," she said again.

Kakashi resisted the urge to laugh as hysteria colored his thoughts. Itachi was apologizing. Itachi was apologizing _to him._ What the fuck?

"Uh… why are you apologizing?"

"I seem to have offended you. I do not know how, but I wish to remedy the situation. I consider you to be not only my former superior, but also an acquaintance. Perhaps even a friend. Please let me know if I have done anything wrong."

Oh. Well, that made sense. Kakashi, oddly enough, felt vaguely guilty. Itachi's abomination-status wasn't entirely _her _fault.

"It's not you," he said. "It's me." _Ugh, this would sound so strange out of context. Almost like a break-up scene. _He shuddered at the thought.

Itachi shot him a skeptical look.

"Really!" he hurriedly added. "It's not that I dislike you or anything… I just don't want to talk to you. Or be around you. Or have anything to do with you."

Dammit! There it was again—that flash of hurt on Itachi's face. Ugh, why did this world's Itachi have _feelings?_

Her eyes narrowed. "Fine."

Kakashi was about to breathe a sigh of relief.

"On one condition."

He immediately tensed, becoming wary again. "What is it?"

"Spar with me."

Kakashi frowned, confused and even more suspicious. "Spar? Why?"

"Do I need a reason?" asked Itachi, arching a brow. Her expression was a bit too innocent to actually be innocent.

The dimensional traveler blinked. "Yes. Yes, you do need a reason." Kakashi didn't think for one second that Itachi was doing this for _fun_. Behind this was some diabolical plot. He was sure of it.

Itachi simply ignored him. "Standard spar rules." She gracefully shifted stances, holding one hand in front of her.

"Just a spar?" His suspicion increased. "Nothing else?"

Itachi tilted her head. "Of course not. Why would you think that?" _Yeah, innocence really doesn't suit Itachi. Not even a little bit._

Kakashi adjusted his footing slightly, simply to telegraph his acceptance. He raised his hitai-ate, exposing the borrowed Sharingan. "I agree to the conditions of the spar."

Itachi's dark eyes turned red. Silently, they both made the seal of confrontation.

The Uchiha moved first, tossing shuriken in a perfect arc. Kakashi dodged and sent a few kunai of his own to test the waters. With blinding speed, Itachi twisted and spun in a kick, forcing the other jonin back.

Kakashi's hand twitched with the urge to activate his raikiri. _Shit._ He ruthlessly suppressed it and instead retaliated with a simple fire jutsu. Logically, he knew that this Itachi wasn't trying to kill or even maim him, but Kakashi's instincts screamed for him to skewer the girl.

Old habits were hard to break.

The air crackled with heat as bright flames billowed around the two ninja. Itachi's hands blurred as she summoned an inferno of her own, redirecting the dissipating flames away. The world distorted as she dashed forward, kunai in hand.

Kakashi's sharingan spun as it tried to break through the genjutsu. His vision shifted slightly, but the world remained twisted and off balance. _Clever, _he thought dimly. _The genjutsu probably focuses less on the visual cortex and more on the cerebellum._

He sent a surge of chakra through his pathways, breaking the illusion. Kakashi used his keen sense of smell to compensate as he reoriented himself. Following the distinct scent of spice and embers, Kakashi sent a crackle of lightning towards the kunoichi.

Itachi dodged and created a wave of fire, setting the surrounding foliage ablaze. She vanished in the swirling smoke and ashes. The scent of burning leaves filled the air, overpowering his senses.

Kakashi simply waited, tense as a taut wire.

Suddenly, a web of chakra entangled his senses. He dispelled the second genjutsu and turned, blocking the blow. Kunai clashed against kunai. Sparks flashed as the metal made contact. The battle abruptly shifted into a taijutsu one, and the two engaged in a dance of weapons and fists.

Kakashi avoided the whirlwind of blows, sharingan working in overdrive. Itachi weaved in and out, lethal elegance displayed in every movement.

Kakashi felt his sharingan instinctively change shape as adrenaline coursed through his veins. _Fuck!_ He clamped down on the flow of chakra, keeping the eye in its three tomoe form. _That was way too close. _

Seizing advantage of his momentary distraction, Itachi leaped in for the kill. _Not for the kill! She isn't trying to kill you, remember? And you aren't supposed to kill her!_

His eyes narrowed. He recognized this move—it had been used on him before. Kakashi twisted out of the way, using the flat of his blade to trap his opponent's own weapon. He could easily end it now.

Crimson eyes stared into a mismatched pair.

Slowly, deliberately, Kakashi disengaged from the deadlock. He tossed his kunai onto the floor. "I yield." The spar had gone on for far too long.

Itachi's eyes abruptly turned black, widening with surprise.

Kakashi held out his hand for the seal of reconciliation. Itachi hesitantly returned the gesture. She briefly touched her fingers to his.

Kakashi turned away and vanished.

Slowly, Itachi bent down and picked up the discarded weapon. She examined it and frowned.

* * *

"How could you do that to Itachi?" Genma shook his head. "I thought you were smarter than that."

Kakashi looked up from his book. "What did I do to Itachi?" He frowned as he searched his memory for the perceived offense. He'd been secluded in his tree all day since the spar… oh, right. "You mean the spar? But I didn't even hurt her. It was her idea, anyway."

Genma scoffed. "So that's what they're calling it these days, huh?" He rolled his eyes. "I'm not saying you _hurt_ her… but would it have killed you to use protection? Man, Fugaku's going to go crazy. How the hell are you going to get out of this one?"

"We were careful." Kakashi looked at his friend with bemusement. "Itachi and I are jonin, you know."

"Apparently, even geniuses have accidents." Genma peered at his friend. "You know, you don't seem that bothered about this."

"Why would I be?" Seriously, why was Genma so hung up over sparring safety?

The tokubetsu jonin sighed deeply. "You're handling it better than I thought." His friend patted him on the shoulder. "Good luck. You'll need it."

* * *

Itachi stared at her mother.

"You do not know how surprised I am, Itachi. I did not expect this from you." Mikoto looked calmly at her daughter. "You always seemed so responsible… but I suppose that the quiet ones are the most rebellious."

Itachi simply blinked.

"I'm so excited!" squealed the matriarch. "To be honest, I never thought I would become a grandmother because of you. Well, maybe Sasuke, but you? You always seemed too focused on your kunoichi duties to notice anything else." Mikoto winked. "You have better taste than I expected! If he looks anything like his father, then you are a lucky girl indeed."

Itachi opened her mouth to ask her mother what she was talking about, but the older woman simply continued talking. "I wonder how the kids will look like! So many combinations, so many possibilities!"

Mikoto noticed her daughter's blank face and smiled sympathetically. "A bit overwhelmed? That's alright. I'm here for you." She enveloped her eldest child in a hug. "Don't worry about the elders. I'll convince them for you." Mikoto giggled. "You were conceived before my marriage as well. It led to the fanciest shotgun marriage in Uchiha history. Like mother like daughter, I suppose."

Itachi drew back from the hug and walked out of the room. Perhaps her father would know what was going on. As she approached the clan head's quarters, she could hear the unmistakable sound of metal rubbing against a whetstone. Itachi decided against asking him. Her father hated interruptions when he was sharpening his weapons.

The dawning of understanding was quickly stomped out by fierce denial. Surely, no one could be that stupid. Nobody could believe that. Right? Thought forgotten, Itachi headed out of the compound. Perhaps she could convince the Hokage to assign her a mission.

* * *

Minato slammed his head against his desk. Why did his former student have to cause him so much trouble? Who knew Kakashi could be so careless! Sure, Minato had suggested (and secretly rooted for) the relationship, but he hadn't expected Kakashi to move so quickly!

Minato groaned as he massaged his forehead. The situation was made worse by one simple fact; graduation day was tomorrow. When Fugaku found out that Kakashi was going to be teaching his younger son… well, Minato wouldn't be surprised if the Uchiha started a coup.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Konoha's Black Ops' headquarters, Tenzo rubbed his eyes. ANBU had been working nonstop since ROOT had been uncovered. Who knew that Danzo had been running an illegal army right under their noses? Tenzo grimaced when he considered the issue. How many children had fallen prey to the elder's scheme, simply because they had a valuable ability? Suddenly, Tenzo became very glad that the Hokage and his parents had insisted on him attending the Academy before entering ANBU.

"I am reporting for duty, sir."

Tenzo tensed and turned to see… an extremely short ANBU operative? "What?"

The agent pulled the porcelain mask to the side, revealing a young child who could be no more than twelve. Hadn't the Yondaime raised the ANBU enrollment age to sixteen? So why—

Wordlessly, the kid handed him a scroll. Tenzo skimmed it and froze.

"I hope to get along," said the kid, robotically. "My code name is Sai." He gave the most emotionless and creepy smile Tenzo had seen in ages.

Weakly, Tenzo smiled back. "I guess you're my apprentice?" He glanced back down at the scroll. Temporary suspension from ANBU to babysit the ROOT kid? Tenzo vowed to murder whoever had come up with this idea. "I'm Tenzo. Nice to meet you."

Sai signed his acknowledgement.

An awkward silence settled. Incredibly uncomfortable, Tenzo almost squirmed. The kid was simply standing there, staring at him. "So," said Tenzo, frantic to start a conversation, "can you tell me about yourself?"

Sai blinked. "I am a shinobi." A small pause. "I can make paintings come to life."

"Oh. Great." Tenzo rubbed the back of his head. "Um… I can control trees."

Sai continued staring at him.

"Want to get something to eat?"asked Tenzo desperately.

The kid nodded. "If you wish."

And so, Sai was introduced to the incredible food known as dango. From then onward, his life was never the same.

* * *

**AN: **This chapter _finally _had Gai. Yes. Rainbow Gai. (I'm so sorry...)

You all are amazing. Over 100 reviews, 20,000 views, 400 favorites, and 500 follows. I'm in utter awe right now.

The incredible **Duesal Bladesinger **has agreed to be my beta. He's an awesome writer, and all his stories are epic. Much thanks to him! Without his help, this chapter would me much worse.

Thanks to the brilliant **Igornerd** for recommending this story in the hilarious _**Drunken Space-Time Ninjutsu. **_Seriously, check it out! It's possibly the funniest time-travel story I've read. Also, shout out to the wonderful **PyrothTenka **for recommending this as well! Her story _**Minato's: The Art of Being Dead **_is really funny and definitely worth a read.

I've switched to private replies/messaging for review replies. This way, I'll be able to respond to each comment.

The next chapter marks the start of canon! Finally, Team 7 will be reunited! As always, comments, criticisms, and concerns are welcome.


	8. Tying People to Tree Stumps

**Chapter Eight: Tying People to Tree Stumps**

_Alternate Title: Canon, Kidnapping, and Excitement! Or Not._

_Another Alternate Title: SHE RETURNS!_

* * *

"Team Seven consists of genin Haruno Sakura, Namikaze Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke, and jonin Hatake Kakashi."

"WHAT?"

* * *

The sound of the clock was deafening.

Sasuke eyed the timepiece with distaste. Only his fine Uchiha breeding kept him from repeatedly stabbing the mechanical device until it begged for mercy. Confined in a room with his former-best friend, the eternal loudmouth… _and_ she-who-shall-not-be-mentioned… Well, suddenly the actions of his ancestor Madara seem much saner.

"Argh, what's taking him so long?" whined Naruto. "I know that he's always late, but can't he make an exception for once?"

"Using big words now, are you?" Sasuke sneered in response. "Do you even know what _exception_ means?"

"Shut up, bastard!" Naruto stood abruptly, knocking the desk over. "No one asked for your stupid opinion!"

Sakura watched the spectacle with keen eyes, noting the differences in their relationship. The hostility between the two had increased exponentially. Interesting. She could definitely use that to her advantage. If the boys had been looking in her direction, they would have noticed her frightening grin.

"Well, I suppose it's not your fault for having such a terrible _sibling_, if you can even call him that." Sasuke sniffed in an exceedingly uncanny imitation of his father. "Some people are just inherently better. Being tardy is just one of his deep-seated flaws." Which was yet another reason why the silver-haired menace was _not _a suitable partner for his sister.

"Hey, you can't say that! Only I can say that! Take that back!"

Sasuke didn't deign to respond. Naruto spluttered for a few moments and then became silent.

Ten more minutes passed.

"Why's he so late? He's later than usual!" whined Naruto again. This time, Sasuke didn't say anything back.

"That's it!" Naruto stood up (again), knocking over the desk (again). "He's gonna pay for this! No one messes with Uzumaki Naruto and gets away with this! I've pranked him before, I can prank him again!"

Immediately, the self-announced prankster grabbed the chalk eraser. He carefully balanced on the stool, affixing the eraser at just the right angle.

Sasuke looked torn between aiding his former friend and ignoring him. He finally settled on the latter with a cough of disdain.

"Pranking a superior officer is highly unwise," said Sakura, tone prim. She smiled at Sasuke, eyes and teeth gleaming brightly.

"I have some wire strings you can use," Sasuke replied suddenly. He hurried to Naruto and shoved the wire into the other boy's hand.

"I'm still mad at you." Naruto grumbled but still accepted the wire strings. He quickly incorporated them into his scheme.

Sakura was now frowning at them both.

"Again, pranking a jonin isn't very smart or practical." She glanced at Sasuke. A small pause. "There are explosive tags in the second drawer behind a false bottom. There's a warning seal attached to it, though—"

"Psh, seals are no problem for me! I'm Uzumaki Naruto!"

In about five minutes, the three had created a monstrosity of ninja wire, explosives, and weaponry.

"Perfect!" Naruto beamed with pride.

"Quiet! I hear him coming!" hissed Sasuke. The three scrambled back into their seats and tried to act natural.

The door slowly opened, and the genin held their breath in anticipation.

The resulting explosion rocked the foundation of the school.

"Did we get him?" asked Naruto. Sasuke squinted through the smoke with growing anticipation.

"Thankfully, no. And you didn't damage the school, either. Or, too badly, at least. Minato-sensei would kill me if you destroyed the Academy a second time."

The preteens spun around.

Kakashi's visible eye looked both mildly reproachful and cheerful. "Were you trying to kill me?"

"Yes," Sasuke growled.

"Of course not!" yelled Naruto.

"I tried to stop them!" Sakura blinked innocently.

"Maa… whatever." He'd give them points for creativity, though their execution was a bit lacking. Still, it was an improvement from the chalkboard eraser prank. "Meet me at Training Ground 3."

"Why?"

"Because it's tradition. And I said so." The jonin vanished with a puff of smoke, leaving three coughing genin behind.

* * *

Kakashi had two choices. He could do what he did last time and put off the genin-test for another day. Or, he could give them the test _now_ so he could begin teaching his darling brats.

But first…

"Introduction time!"

"Why?" moaned Naruto. "I know you!"

"I know about you," added Sakura.

"I hate you," growled Sasuke.

_But I don't know you._ Kakashi eyed the three critically. They were certainly different from the genin he had in the other dimension.

Naruto, for example, had a different outfit. His jumpsuit was replaced by an equally obnoxious orange jacket, a black shirt, and black pants. Minato's influence, probably.

Sakura also looked slightly different. Her dress was the same, but her hair was wilder, and… were those bandages? Why did Sakura wrap her arms and legs in _bandages?_

Kakashi paused, contemplated it, and quickly moved on.

Outwardly, Sasuke had changed the least. The boy still subscribed to the fashion sense of ridiculous collars, but he also looked less emotionally dead. (Then again, emotional dysfunction was practically an Uchiha requirement. But Kakashi really didn't have any right to criticize that. Kunai calling the shuriken sharp, and all that.)

"Introductions, please," he repeated again. "Likes, dislikes, and dreams for the future." Kakashi paused. "I'll go first. My name is Hatake Kakashi. I like a lot of things. I dislike… changes. And my dreams for the future are to keep my friends alive and train you three."

"Nii-san—"

"Sensei," corrected Kakashi, scratching his head awkwardly. "I'm your sensei now." Naruto calling him _nii-san_ was just _weird._

Naruto rolled his eyes but continued. "Sensei, that was the lamest introduction _ever!"_

"Like you could do better," muttered Sasuke. Naruto looked about ready to pound Sasuke into the ground.

"Of course I can! I'll prove it too!" Naruto took a deep breath. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I love ramen! I hate the fifteen seconds it takes to cook my ramen." Here, he glared at the other boy. "I also hate _bastards _like the one next to me! My dream is to become a better Hokage than my dad!"

_Hm, not much has changed._

"Like that's going to happen." Sasuke crossed his arms and set his expression into the classic Uchiha glare.

"SHUT UP!"

"Pouty, why don't you go next?" Kakashi interrupted. The genin's glare intensified, but he obeyed.

"My name is Uchiha Sasuke. What I like is none of your business. I dislike idiots and…" Sasuke paled slightly, looking both fearful and disgusted, "_fangirls._" He shuddered. "My ambition is to bring honor to my clan by becoming the most powerful shinobi." Sasuke paused slightly and scowled. "And to protect my sister from idiots like you!"

_Alright, a lot has changed._

"And pinkie?"

"I'm Haruno Sakura. I like bandages, doujutsu, and…" She glanced at Sasuke and blushed. "I dislike anyone who stands in my way." Sakura glared at Naruto. "My goal is to be the strongest kunoichi ever so I can…" Sakura blushed again. "Oh, and to destroy my enemies, of course," she added hastily.

…_what?_

A few seconds passed. "Oh," said Kakashi finally. Naruto looked slightly freaked out, and Sasuke's expression had become haunted.

_Well, first things first. I should test the three's skills._

"Anyway…" Kakashi brought the focus back to him. "It's time for the test."

The genin stared. "What test?" Naruto shouted. Sasuke's eyes narrowed, becoming calculating, while Sakura tilted her head, looking unsurprised.

"You three may have passed the Academy exams, but that doesn't mean you'll become genin. I'm going to give you another test—one that's rather hard." Kakashi grinned. "In fact, there's a 66% failure rate. Anyone who fails is sent back to the Academy. Isn't that wonderful?"

"Aw, man! _Another _test? Unfair!" Naruto looked ready to punch someone. Sasuke's eyes gained that razor-focus as he shifted into a more combat-ready stance.

"What's the test?" asked Sakura, ignoring Naruto's antics. Kakashi noticed her hand inch to her weapon pouch. Well. Sakura had only gained that instinct after several months of training in the old world.

Kakashi held up two bells—the Niidaime's own. Minato had given them to him this morning with a few words of advice. Kakashi smiled at his new (old?) team. "Your goal is to get these two bells using any means necessary. Begin on the count of three…"

Sasuke grasped his shuriken.

"One…"

Naruto settled into a taijutsu stance.

"Two…"

Sakura began forming hand seals.

"Three!"

Kakashi tossed the bells into the air, much to the surprise of the genin. As expected, Sasuke and Naruto dashed towards the falling objects. But Sakura, on the other hand, had… vanished? _Huh._

Sasuke grabbed one bell, and Naruto caught the other. The two glared at each other.

"Bastard, gimme the other bell!" Naruto pointed dramatically at the other boy.

"Hn," replied Sasuke.

Naruto leaped forward, fists outstretched. Sasuke met him blow for blow.

_Well, Naruto's taijutsu certainly improved. He's much better than the other one was at this age._

Kakashi watched the fight with the oddest sensation of deja-vu. On one hand, watching his students fight brought on flashbacks of times when Sasuke was… you know, a bit murdery. But on the other hand, Sasuke and Naruto had always resolved their arguments through beating each other up. In a few more minutes, Naruto would be shouting about "important people" and proclaim his undying friendship. Then, the two would be back to normal. Hopefully.

Naruto began flashing through hand seals. _Oh? Ninjutsu?_

"Suiton: Wild Water Wave!" The blond sent a blast of water to his ex-friend.

_Water affinity? Naruto has a _water _affinity? Well, there go all the quotes about fanning flames._

Sasuke dodged the wave and retaliated with a fireball, causing a cloud of steam to hide him from view.

Kakashi felt his hidden… _observers_ tense as the battle became more heated. Internally, he sighed. He could sense Minato-sensei (or his clone), several ANBU agents—was that Itachi? And ROOT operatives too? The audience for the genin test hadn't been nearly as big during the original timeline. It seemed like _everyone _was watching his team. Probably because Naruto was the Kyuubi's container and the Hokage's son, Sasuke was the second son of the Uchiha main family, and Sakura was… Sakura.

The fog cleared, and Naruto dashed towards his (former?) Uchiha friend. Sasuke reciprocated, shuriken in hand. The two were about to clash, when Sakura appeared out of nowhere. Immediately, the dynamics of the battle changed. Instinctively, Sasuke and Naruto began to work together. Sakura dodged their attacks with ease, almost as if she was familiar with them.

The battle continued for a few more moments, and Kakashi took the opportunity to evaluate his genin's skills.

This Naruto's attacks were definitely more polished, especially when compared to the fresh-out-of-the-academy Naruto from his original dimension. For one thing, Naruto actually had a taijutsu style other than "beat them to a pulp." He also knew ninjutsu other than the shadow clones. This Naruto was much stronger than the other Naruto's had been, obviously because of Minato's influence.

Alternate-Sasuke's skills were also different. Sasuke had actually been taught by his clan, and it showed. The Uchiha clan's influence was present on his taijutsu, his ninjutsu, and his overall style. Having personal teachers had certainly improved his abilities. On the other hand, this Sasuke didn't have the same unrelenting drive that the original one had, since his family hadn't been slaughtered.

Sakura had, in some ways, changed the least. She didn't have any new techniques, but what she did have was incredibly refined. She used kawarimi with ease, substituting in and out, utilizing the standard Academy teachings with great skill. _Or… _Kakashi's eyes narrowed. For the oddest reason, he felt that she was holding back. Either way, this Sakura was far from the weak fangirl that he had initially known.

As Kakashi expected, Sakura was the first to figure it out. She stared at the bell in Sasuke's hand. Her eyes narrowed.

"Kai!" she shouted. Immediately, she turned to Kakashi and ignored the other two.

Sasuke frowned as his sharp mind connected the dots. He made a seal, and with a muttered "kai," he also broke free from the illusion.

Naruto glanced at the other two. "Hey! What're you doing? Aren't you gonna get the bells?" Sasuke and Sakura didn't answer, preferring to glare warily at their new sensei. Slowly, the realization dawned on Naruto. The blonde slammed his fist against the ground, causing his knuckles to bleed—and freeing him from the genjutsu.

"No fair!" yelled Naruto, pointing dramatically at Kakashi. "That was a trick! You had the bells all along!"

"Of course," replied Kakashi, amused. "Did you really think I'd just throw them in the air?" He held up the real bells. "You need to steal these from _me._ I'm going to give you until noon. Which is..." Kakashi looked up at the sky. "in about an hour, I think."

Sasuke and Naruto looked at each other. "There's no way we can do it by ourselves. And I'm definitely not going to fail this test!" Naruto puffed out his cheeks. "Truce?" He held out his hand. Sasuke glared at the extended appendage before reluctantly shaking it. "Truce. I'm not going to fail either… or be on a team with that _fangirl._"

Sakura scowled but said nothing.

Kakashi opened his _Icha Icha Paradise_ and began to read, curious to see what the children would do.

"We need to come up with a plan." Sasuke clenched his fists. "We'll have to retreat and regroup."

"Wait! I've got an idea!" whispered Naruto. Grinning, the Yondaime's soon casually strolled towards Kakashi. "Hey sensei! Jiraya-ji's releasing his new book in a few months, and he told me all about it! If you give me the bells, I won't spoil it for you."

Kakashi sensed a surge of killing intent from one of the trees. _That was definitely Minato-sensei._

"That's not going to work, Naruto," drawled Kakashi. "You can spoil it all you want, but I'm not going to give you the bells." _I've already read all the Icha Icha books. Hah! I am immune to spoilers!_

"Oh yeah? So you don't care what Shina and Minibo do in the hot springs?"

Naruto stared at Kakashi.

Kakashi stared back.

"Huh." Naruto shook his head. "You really aren't gonna give me the bells." He sighed. "Well, it was worth a try."

"That was a stupid plan, idiot! Of course it didn't work!" Sasuke grabbed his teammate's jacket. "We have to get out of here!"

Grumbling, Naruto agreed. The two fled into the leaves and vanished. Or tried to, at least.

Sakura had also vanished, having taken advantage of Naruto's attempt to get the bells.

Kakshi simply grinned. This would be _fun._

* * *

The three genin glared at Kakashi. Each was tied upside-down to a post.

"I hate you," snarled Sasuke.

"Dude, you've said that a gazillion times!" complained Naruto. "We get it. You hate him. Now will you just _shut up?_"

"Now you know how _we_ feel about you." Sakura smiled sweetly—or tried to, at least. It was a bit difficult to do that when the blood was rushing to your head.

"Maa…" Kakashi scratched the back of his head as he listened to his genins bicker. He waited until he received their full attention. "I'm just really impressed."

Naruto brightened. "You are?"

"Of course!" The jonin laughed mockingly. "I didn't expect you all to do so _badly_."

The three cringed as the atmosphere darkened.

"Bu—"

"Quiet," cut off Kakashi. Naruto shrunk back, chastened. The inter-dimensional traveler increased the amount of killing intent. "All of you have failed completely. Didn't any of you stop and think about _why_ I had asked you to get the bells? Did none of you figure out the real purpose of this survival exercise?"

_Scared genin are so entertaining. I really missed this._

Kakashi paused dramatically before continuing. "The purpose of this exercise was _teamwork. _It was to test if you could put the mission before your personal goals—your team above yourself."

"Yeah, yeah, I know!" Naruto groaned, forgetting Kakashi's command to remain silent. "Teamwork is important, I get it. You and dad are _always_ harping about it. And I _did_ work with Sasuke, remember?"

"But what about Sakura?" He pierced the blonde with his gaze. "You left her behind, and your partner _Sasuke_ even tried to sabotage her efforts. Is that teamwork?"

Embarrassed, none of them met his gaze.

Theatrically, Kakashi sighed. "But since you at least tried… I guess I can give you another chance."

"Awesome!" cheered Naruto. "Thanks, nii… uh, sensei!"

The other two were less vocal but equally relieved.

Kakashi's eye crinkled. "Your second test begins… now. Have fun!"

Whistling, he put his hands in his pockets and walked away.

"Sensei, where are you going? Aren't you gonna untie us? S-sensei? _Sensei!?_"

Kakashi grinned at the outraged shouts of his genin.

_How cute._

* * *

The silver-haired jonin flicked through the pages of _Icha Icha Paradise_. Normally, he'd be enjoying the book, but his personal stalker was making it difficult.

"I thought we agreed not to associate with each other." Kakashi glanced up and frowned at the kunoichi standing in a tree.

Deliberately and almost leisurely, Itachi jumped down. She walked towards him with an utterly blank expression.

"That was before I knew your assignment as Sasuke's jonin-sensei," she replied. "My brother's well-being supersedes everything else. Our deal is off." Itachi stepped closer. "You are now responsible for my brother's safety. If _anything_ happens to him..." She paused. "I will kill you repeatedly." Somehow, her monotone delivery made the threat scarier.

"Repeatedly?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

Itachi stared at him for a few moments. "I will find a way." Sincerity dripped from every word.

_Oddly, I don't doubt that. _Kakashi turned another page of his novel in response.

"You haven't been doing very well so far, considering that you left my brother tied to a tree…" she trailed off meaningfully.

"Relax. They'll be safe enough with half of ANBU watching them. " He tucked his hands and book in his pockets. "It's a learning exercise," he added. Itachi didn't seem to be buying it.

Kakashi sighed deeply and leaned against a tree. "I'll make sure he stays alive. And relatively sane." He really didn't want a repeat of what happened in his own dimension. Besides, this Sasuke seemed relatively stable, thanks to the lack of genocide.

Itachi nodded once. "Failure to do so will not end well for you." She didn't bother to say goodbye—instead, she disappeared in a way that gave Kakashi the strangest sense of deja vu.

* * *

The door slammed open.

"MINATO!" Uchiha Fugaku stood in the middle of the Hokage's office with an activated sharingan and a very sharp sword. "Control your wayward student _or I will do it for you!"_

Immediately, ANBU agents appeared in the four corners of the room, tense and ready to attack if needed.

The Yondaime set aside his pen. "Uchiha-dono," he said calmly, "Did you need something?" Discreetly, Minato activated the barrier seal under his desk. After a moment's consideration, he activated a second one just in case.

"Don't _Uchiha-dono _me!" growled Fugaku. "Your student has tarnished my daughters reputation by spreading unfounded rumors! Half the clan is calling for his head!" The Uchiha stepped closer. "Most the Uchiha already dislike him for his sharingan, and _you_ decide to take it one step further by assigning him as _my son's_ jonin teacher! _Are you trying to cause a revolt?"_

"Of course not." The Yondaime tried to smile. "I have good reasons for assigning Kakashi as a teacher. He's very skilled, and he _was_ my student. I can think of no one better to train and watch over my son and yours."

"_What?_" hissed the Uchiha clan head. "Hatake Kakashi is a foul miscreant, a blight on Konoha, a pestilent disease on honor, a…"

Minato was a bit impressed by Fugaku's creative and profanity-free insults. Like most Uchiha, he considered it beneath him to curse—and like most Uchiha, he became rather wordy when upset.

"..._disgrace_ like his father—"

"And that's enough." The Yondaime stood up and narrowed his eyes. "While I am willing to concede that Kakashi may have made some mistakes concerning your daughter, I am _not_ willing to stand here and let you question my student's character and my decisions. _I_ am the Hokage, and my word is final."

"Mistake?" Fugaku laughed sardonically. "Well, he better _fix_ that mistake or I'll fix _him._"

"Well, what would you have me do? What do you want _him _to do?" The Hokage stared down Fugaku.

"You _know_ what I want." The Uchiha clan head glared defiantly back. "He _dishonored_ my daughter in the eyes of the village and the clan! His actions are inexcusable!"

"...just like you and Mikoto?" said Minato, raising an eyebrow.

Fukagu colored slightly. "You know that was different!"

Minato stifled a sigh. Relations between the Uchiha and the village had been a bit… tense, lately. Though Danzo's imprisonment and fall from grace had eased tensions slightly, the new business with Kakashi hadn't helped at all. But perhaps he could spin this in a postive way.

"Fine," said the Yondaime at last. "However, I think the ANBU agents would greatly appreciate you putting away your sword."

With a start, Fugaku realized that he was still brandishing his weapon. Sheepishly, he put it away and deactivated his eyes. "Of course," he said graciously. "I am glad we came to an agreement."

"As am I."

With a regal nod, Uchiha Fugaku walked out of the room, trying to keep the remnants of his dignity.

Once the clan head left, Minato sighed deeply and went back to filling out the pile of forms on his desk.

* * *

Kakashi strolled cheerfully to his still-tied genin.

"Where the hell were you!?" yelled Naruto.

"You left us tied to a post… for _six hours."_ Sakura glared venomously at her teacher.

"I hate you," hissed Sasuke.

"Ah… well, you three had clearly learned your lesson." Kakashi grinned. "I thought I'd give it some time to sink in."

"I'm telling my father about this," growled Sasuke.

"Me too!" Naruto words were shouted at eardrum-splitting volume.

"I'll make my opinion known," Sakura added ominously.

"That won't make a difference. Jonin-sensei have almost unlimited control over their genin teams," drawled Kakashi. "Besides, it worked. All three of you are working together, right?"

If looks could kill, Kakashi would be dead three-times over.

With an exaggerated sigh, Kakashi cut them free. "You pass. Congrats! I'll see you later."

_Perfect. Team 7 is now back together._

* * *

For the second time in one day, an Uchiha interrupted the Hokage's attempts to finish his paperwork.

"Itachi?" said Minato in surprise. "What are you doing here?" Itachi was generally a model ninja, only entering the office when summoned. Minato suddenly grimaced. It wasn't about… _that_, was it? He activated a privacy seal and waited for her to speak.

"Yondaime-sama. Please forgive me for the interruption." Itachi knelt by the desk, head bowed.

"It's fine. And there's no need to stand on formality," he added hastily. "Is there anything you needed?"

"Yes. It concerns Hatake Kakashi."

Minato suppressed a wince. "Ah… I see. There's no need to explain. It happens. People can't control everything."

Itachi raised an eyebrow and ignored his words. "I believe that Hatake Kakashi is an imposter."

The Yondaime stiffened. "And why is that?" he said carefully.

"Several things. For one, his odd behavior. He has been acting strangely, especially when concerning me. Furthermore, he seems to have lost all sense of direction." She paused. "I have been… observing him, and Hatake Kakashi seems to have forgotten where many buildings in Konoha are located."

The Hokage gestured for her to continue.

"Furthermore, when Hatake and I sparred, I noticed that he had a completely different sty—"

Minato winced. "I don't need _that _much information." He quickly became serious. "But you definitely have a point, Itachi. Thank you for letting me know."

Itachi nodded and promptly left.

Now alone, the Yondaime mused over the current situation. If even _Itachi_ thought that Kakashi was acting weird… well, Minato didn't plan on making the same mistake as the Sandaime.

With a heavy heart, the Yondaime teleported away.

* * *

"Hello, Minato-sen—"

The Hokage grabbed Kakashi and vanished with a flash of light.

* * *

**AN:** We _finally_ reached canon! And it only took eight chapters!

As usual, I love you all. Over 200 reviews, 30,000 views, 500 favorites, and 700 follows. Thank you! I appreciate every single one!

Much thanks to **Duesal Bladesinger** for being my wonderful beta and to **Igornerd **for his excellent advice.

The next chapter has... escapes. Among other things.

A belated happy holidays and an early happy New Year to you all! And of course, comments, criticism, and concerns are encouraged and valued.


	9. Something Something Trees

**Chapter Nine: Something Something Trees**

_Alternate Title: Dramatic Tension and Cliffhangers are for Posers_

* * *

One minute, Kakashi was outside in the training fields. The next minute, he was Minato's house.

Kakashi quickly took stock of the situation. From the look of it, he was in the living room. Minato was standing in front of him, with a rather peculiar smile on his face. On either side of the Yondaime stood Tsunade and Jiraiya.

"Uh… sensei?" he asked in confusion.

"Kakashi, it's time we have a little _talk _about your recent behavior_._"

Kakashi played dumb. "What do you mean?"

"He means that you've been acting damn _weird_." Tsunade glared at Kakashi, not buying his innocent tone.

"Has something been bothering you lately? Is there anything you need tell me? You know that I'm always here for you." Minato looked concerned and just the slightest bit suspicious.

"Have you been performing illegal experiments on children while hiding a secretly psychopathic nature and a desire to gain power?" added Jiraiya.

"No!" Kakashi frowned, putting on his best "offended" face. "Why would you think that?"

Jiraiya shrugged. "You gotta admit that you've been suspicious. You have information you shouldn't have."

"As in—"

"Orochimaru. ROOT. You shouldn't have known about them."

Kakashi shrugged. "But I've told you everything, sensei. I haven't done anything _wrong_, have I?"

Minato hesitated. "Well… no, but you aren't acting _normal_."

"Is that a crime?"

Tsunade huffed, exasperated. "No, but you can understand why we're suspicious."

_Shinobi Rule 41: Deny everything. No matter what_.

"Nope. No idea."

"Why you little brat!" Tsunade cracked her knuckles.

Kakashi shrugged. "I just used my deduction skills for the benefit of the village." Kakashi did his best to appear wounded. "Are you really punishing me because I care about Konoha?"

"Quit the bullshit." Tsunade loomed closer.

"I'm not the one bullshitting," replied Kakashi mildly. "For example, there's the whole situation with the Hyuuga. I'm not the one who's hiding anything..." he trailed off. "Orochimaru didn't just kill them for fun, did he?"

The sannin and Minato were silent for a moment.

"It's an S-rank secret," said Minato quietly.

"That's—"

A flare of chakra from an ANBU agent waiting outside alerted the inhabitants of the room. After shooting Kakashi a look, Minato teleported outside with a flash.

* * *

In a maximum-security prison not far from the Intelligence Department, a man was sitting in a relatively comfortable cell.

He'd called in almost all his favors (and made quite a few threats) to ensure that prison, as opposed to execution, was his punishment. Danzo hadn't expected his plans to be foiled, but he had planned for the worst case scenario. As long as he was alive, there was a chance that he would escape.

And that opportunity seemed to be today. His informants had… well, _informed _him that the witless Hokage and the two Sannin were currently occupied.

Danzo would have smiled if he had the ability to. But since he didn't, Danzo instead felt a pinprick of satisfaction in a corner of his shriveled, basically non-existent heart.

* * *

In less than a minute, the Yondaime returned.

"What is it?" asked Tsunade.

Minato looked pale and very, very angry. "Danzo escaped," he said softly, not even bothering to hide it from Kakashi. "He has activated sleeper cells all throughout the village."

Kakashi winced. _Fuck. That certainly didn't happen last time. _

"We have to contain the situation."

"But first we—"

"Can I help?" interrupted Kakashi. He gave an innocent smile. "I _did_ help bring him down before."

Minato pierced him with his gaze. Several minutes passed. Kakashi could see Minato visibly struggle with his decision. Then, a strange glint came into Minato's eyes. The Hokage had clearly made up his mind... but Kakashi wasn't sure if that was a good thing.

"Well," mumbled Jiraiya. "He didn't do anything _wrong…_"

"Fine. Go to where Tenzo is and reinforce his position. But behave." The _or else_ remained unspoken.

"Since when have I not, sensei?"

"We're wasting time," growled Tsunade. "Let's go."

* * *

Chaos. Utter chaos.

"What the hell is going on?" shrieked an extremely panicked Tenzo.

"Danzo," explained Kakashi, knocking out a murderous agent. "He's escaped and seems intent on causing as much havoc as possible. That _bastard_."

"You're one to talk," muttered Tenzo.

"What?"

"Nothing!" Tenzo laughed nervously.

"Tenzo-sama!" Sai dropped down from the sky, dispelling his ink bird. "I have returned with new orders from the Hokage. He wants you to head to the eastern entrance."

"Tenzo-sama?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

With a sheepish expression on his face, Tenzo waved his hand, causing a tree root to stab the attacker in the face. "Ha… well, I might have introduced him to dango… or something. He liked it, I think."

_You don't say?_

"Yes," replied Sai. "I shall always cherish Tenzo-sama for his actions. My respect for him is second only to dango. And the Great Anko-sama." Although Sai spoke in a completely bland monotone, his eyes were alight with passion.

"And is your respect for dango greater than your loyalty to Danzo?" asked Kakashi, eye narrowed.

If Sai didn't have the emotional range of a toenail, then he would have looked offended. "Of course."

"Ok…" Kakashi shot Tenzo a look. "What did you do to him? Did you leave him alone with Anko or something?"

"Uh, no? Not really?"

"The Great Anko-sama has taught me much," whispered Sai, stabbing a man through the eye. "Dango dango dango. Dango dango dango. Dango dango dango."

_The fuck? _ Kakashi shook his head. "We're wasting time." Quickly, the three headed to the eastern entrance, dispatching enemies as they did so.

"Ah, Uchiha-san!"

"Tenzo-senpai."

_Oh, goddamn fucking—_

Kakashi's thoughts quickly devolved into a string of profanity that would have made Gai blush.

"Uchiha-san," he said, gritting his teeth. "We have got to stop meeting like this."

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "Yes. You have the tendency of ending up in the worst situations." A second passed. "Though I suppose you cannot really help it. It must be in your nature." Her tone was absolutely frigid. Kakashi's eye twitched.

Tenzo looked back and forth between the two as he drop-kicked a particularly tenacious assailant. "Did…" he trailed off, deciding against it.

"Relationship problems." Sai smiled blankly. "According to _The Guide to Forming Relationships for Socially-Incompetent Ninja, So Basically All of Them, _awkward silences are often caused by se—"

"That's enough, Sai!" Tenzo gulped at the twin murderous looks. Sai remained unaffected.

Kakashi glanced at Itachi and sighed. It couldn't be helped. Grudgingly, he formulated a plan, factoring Itachi into the equation.

"Take my left, Tenzo. Sai, on the right." He hesitated for a millisecond. Did he have to? Yeah, he had to. "Itachi, cover my back." For some odd reason, Itachi was mad at him. A mad Itachi was not good for his health. Therefore, he had to find a way to get on her good side. He glanced again at Itachi, absently noting that she looked like entirely at ease as she cut through the traitors.

_Actually, scratch that. Never mind. I'll just not deal with Itachi after this._

"Who died and made you Hokage?" grumbled Tenzo. Regardless, he obeyed Kakashi's commands. Sai followed Tenzo's lead, and after a moment of hesitation, Itachi did the same.

* * *

"Sakura."

"Yes?"

"Keep an eye on them."

"Of course."

* * *

And just as suddenly as it began, the ROOT uprising ended.

"Well. That was rather anticlimactic." Tenzo glanced at the stock-still and not-resisting heap of agents. "I wonder why they all surrendered."

"The most likely scenario suggests that Danzo has successfully escaped." Itachi watched as the Uchiha Police Force began the tedious process of disassembling the pile and arresting every agent.

"Well, I guess that means we should report to the Hokage."

* * *

Minato was not very happy.

Danzo had escaped, leaving Konoha was in disarray. Thankfully, there were practically zero casualties among the loyal ninja, though there were quite a few among the ROOT operatives. The survivors were sent to Ibiki, much to his joy (more people to torture!) and displeasure (more paperwork!).

Right now, the Yondaime was suffering from a headache. Listening to a bunch of geezers argue was never fun.

"We should declare Danzo a missing-nin!"

"What? We shouldn't take such drastic action! Danzo's a respected figure of Konoha!"

"He had _brainwashed kids to kill each other._ Are you getting senile, old man? Did you forget that Danzo set his rogue agents on the village today?"

"But why would Danzo do that? Sure, he had no empathy whatsoever, but he was always loyal to Konoha…"

"Has anyone considered that Danzo might just be batshit insane? No? Seriously, who understands that man!?"

_It's the hair. The hair made him crazy. _Kakashi continued reading his book. It wasn't _his_ job to deal with the fallout. He was perfectly content to push that mess on other people.

Minato tried really hard not to hirashin out of there. Honestly, being Hokage could be really annoying sometimes. Minato narrowed his eyes at his bored-looking student. He'd managed to escape suspicion this time, but it wouldn't be like that for long...

* * *

"You summoned me, Hokage-sama?" Itachi knelt by the desk, head down.

"Yes." Minato crossed his arms as he thought of a good way to word his request. "I have a mission for you."

Itachi waited for him to continue.

"I need you to follow Kakashi."

Her placid expression froze in place.

"There's something _off_ about him," said Minato. "And I need someone to keep an eye on him. Itachi, you're one of the few people who I can trust with this mission. You're also one of the few people who are strong enough to hold Kakashi off. Do you understand why I am asking this of you?"

She stared. "You want me to… follow Kakashi," she repeated, finally.

"Correct. I'll have you assigned as a supervisor for Team Seven. Between your obsessive need to monitor your brother and your relationship with Kakashi, it's the perfect excuse!" Minato looked rather pleased with himself.

Itachi's finger twitched. "I am _not_ in a relationship with Kakashi."

The Yondaime blinked. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"You're _really sure?_"

"_Yes."_

Minato pouted. "Fine…" Then, he smirked mischievously. Itachi suddenly felt rather nervous. "But I just wanted to let you know... you have my support."

Itachi's expression became stony. "The mission comes first, Hokage-_sama._"

"Yes, yes it does." He nodded, still smiling. "You're dismissed."

Itachi nodded stiffly and promptly vanished.

* * *

_Oh, hell no._

"Why are you here, Uchiha-san?" Kakashi frowned, looking at the irate-looking heiress.

"Mission_._" Her tone was frostier than the Land of Snow in winter.

"Well, what's your mission?"

"My mission is to observe your status, report any discrepancies, and ensure the safety of Konoha."

Kakashi blinked. "Let me get this straight… Minato-sensei asked you to _stalk me?_"

A second of silence. "Yes."

Kakashi bit back a groan. _Why. Why does the universe hate me!?_

"Ok… but why are you here _in front of me_ instead of stalking me in the trees like you normally do?"

Itachi's eyes narrowed slightly. "Because."

"Because why?"

"I have no obligation to tell you anything, _Hatake-san," _she replied, subtle venom coating her words.

Kakashi winced. "Fine." He started walking in the direction of Ichiraku's. He was supposed to meet his team there before training, and Itachi's presence wasn't going to stop him. The two walked in an awkward silence, neither willing to speak to the other. Finally, they reached the stand. But to Kakashi's surprise, none of his genin were there.

"Ah, Kakashi-san!" Teuchi beamed at the confused jonin. "Your team left a note for you."

Kakashi took the offered note.

* * *

_Hey! Bakashi-sensei! You took too long, so we decided to go train! When you decide to stop being a lazy bum, meet us at the training grounds, kay?_ _Believe it! _-_ Naruto_

_I will stab you if you refuse to make me stronger. 3 3 3 _-_ Sakura_

_Your death will be at my han_— (Someone had apparently dragged Sasuke away before he could finish writing.)

* * *

The message ended there.

"Your students have apparently abandoned you." If it wasn't for Itachi's poker face, Kakashi would have sworn she looked smug.

He rolled his eyes. "I didn't ask for your commentary. And they didn't _abandon _me. They simply took the initiative, that's all."

"Right."

Kakashi frowned at Itachi. Itachi scowled back.

_I don't remember her/him being this snarky before…_ _what did I do?_

"Hey, if isn't the brat!" Jiraiya boomed. "And his pretty girlfriend, too!"

"I'm not his girlfriend—"

"We're not dating—"

They both stopped and glared at each other.

"Sure you aren't…" Jiraiya grinned.

"Stop being an idiot, Jiraiya," Tsunade sighed.

Jiraiya ignored his wife. "Are you guys really keeping up that charade? It's obvious to _everyone_. Besides, the entire village knows that you got Itachi pregnant."

Both Itachi and Kakashi froze.

Itachi stared off into space with a haunted expression. Her sharingan had unconsciously activated, and she was doing her best impersonation of a traumatized statue.

If anyone had listened carefully, they would have heard the sound of Kakashi's sanity shattering again.

_What no what is this what no pregnant and Itachi same sentence no does not compute not possible does not work what no_—

Though the younger two hadn't noticed, Tsunade and Jiraiya had continued talking.

"How stupid can you be?" shouted Tsunade. "Itachi's _obviously_ not pregnant. Any shinobi with eyes can see that!"

"I know that!" Jiraiya rubbed the back of his head. "God, I was just joking! They knew that! Right, guys?

Neither answered.

"Guys?" The Toad Sannin leaned forward and snapped his fingers. No reaction. "Huh. Apparently, I have a talent for breaking geniuses."

"That really doesn't surprised me."

_Kill me kill me kill me. Please?_

Kakashi desperately wanted to get out of there, but his disturbed brain refused to do anything.

"Kakashi? Itachi? Are you two ok? Hello? Oy, Tsunade! Fix them, I don't think they're working anymore!"

Finally, Kakashi switched from deer-in-headlights mode to holy-shit-flee mode and made his escape. With a swirl of leaves, he was gone.

* * *

"Hey sensei! You're finally here!" shouted Naruto. He waved his arms frantically while standing sideways on the trunk of the the tree.

Kakashi didn't respond.

"Uh… sensei?"

Kakashi still didn't respond.

Sakura stopped throwing kunai at Naruto. "Ooh, something's wrong with sensei!" she said gleefully.

"Yes…" Sasuke grinned. "Excellent." Then he realized that he was actually _agreeing _with Sakura and immediately began to question his world view.

With great difficulty, Kakashi managed to snap out of it. "Right…" he said, taking a deep breath. He pushed the recent revelation (no stop don't think about it) out of his mind and into the section of his brain reserved for the most disturbing events, like assassinations, torture, Rainbow Gai, and so on.. "Right!" Kakashi's eyes crinkled. "Training time!"

The three genin immediately brightened. "Really?"

"Yup! Let's start with—"

A swirl of leaves heralded the entrance of another shinobi.

"Itachi-nee? What are you doing here?"

Itachi stared at her little brother for a good five minutes before she remembered to respond. "Observing."

Sasuke frowned. "Itachi-nee, are you alright?" His expression became angry. "Did _he_ do anything to you?" he spat.

For a second, Itachi looked a bit pained. "No."

"Hmph." Sasuke seemed unconvinced.

"Are you Sasuke's sister?" whispered Sakura, stepping closer. "Hi."

Itachi blinked as she examined the pink-haired girl. "... hello."

"Do you have the sharingan?" Sakura looked inordinately excited.

The Uchiha heiress blinked again, wondering if it was a trick question. "Yes?"

"Can I… see it?" Sakura's eyes widened. "Please?"

Itachi pondered the request, wondering if the girl would leave her alone if she agreed. Finally, Itachi's eyes flashed red, and the three tomoe spun hypnotically. After a few seconds, she deactivated her dojutsu.

"They're so pretty…" Sakura gasped. "Just like you!"

Itachi quickly took three steps back.

"But you're too old for me," decided Sakura. "And I bet Sasuke's are better."

Itachi looked vaguely relieved.

Kakashi coughed to get their attention. "Right. Training!" He tapped his chin. "Well, you three obviously know how to tree walk… how about water walking?"

"Kinda," said Naruto hesitantly. "Jiraiya-oji's showed me once, but I think it was just an excuse to go to the hot springs."

"I've never tried it." Sakura looked far too innocent.

Sasuke shook his head.

"Great! So let's go to the lake!"

* * *

"I hate you, sensei!" Surprisingly, it was Naruto who had said that. "This is goddamn stupid!"

"Language, Naruto." Kakashi watched his students fall into the lake with obvious enjoyment. Well, excluding Sakura. She had simply walked on to the lake with no difficulty. Currently, Sakura was trying to sabotage Naruto's efforts, but Naruto was fighting back just as hard. The two were rolling around in the water, each trying to gain the upper hand.

_Aw, how cute! Look at the little genin trying to drown each other._

Sasuke had taken advantage of his teammate's distraction to swim to the shore. "Onee-san," he gasped, climbing out of the lake. "Help."

Itachi looked at Sasuke.

"Foolish little brother," she said, sighing. "You are still too weak." She picked him up and threw him back into the lake. The screeching Uchiha landed with a splash on top of the other two.

"Nice," said Kakashi admiringly. Sure, Itachi might be… Itachi, but even Kakashi could appreciate a perfectly-thrown genin.

"Thank you."

The two watched the struggling genin in a slightly-more companionable silence.

* * *

After the torture session known as training, the drenched genin of Team Seven gathered covertly in the field.

"Revenge," growled Sasuke. "We need revenge."

Sakura, who was looking rather drowned, agreed. "Yes. He must pay."

Naruto rubbed at his hair, trying to get the water out. "Yeah!"

"He tied us to a pole!"

"He tried to drown us!"

"He's trying to get with my _sister._" Sasuke's eyes glowed with hatred.

Brought together by mutual loathing, the team began to formulate a plan.

"This means war." Naruto and Sakura exchanged looks.

"Truce?" offered the blond. Sakura extended her hand, and Naruto shook it.

"From now on," declared Sasuke, "I only have one goal—no, one _ambition._ I _will _make it a reality. I must kill that man!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in a place far from Konoha…

"Events aren't going as planned."

"Maybe it's because your plans are ridiculously complicated and have a high chance of failure if even one thing goes wrong?"

"No, it's because of something else. But what?" A lone sharingan eye narrowed.

"I don't know."

"Hm. How unfortunate. But no matter. I'll just have to ... speed things up a bit." Evil, high-pitched, maniacal laughter echoed through the cave, increasing volume pitch and fervour. "Soon, everything will be exactly the way it should be!"

* * *

**AN: **Holy crap, I don't deserve you people. 800+ favorites and 300+ reviews? And 1K+ follows!? Sweet mother of all that's holy. Ah. I love you all so much!

Hooray! First update of 2015! In March! Uh... I really don't have an excuse for posting so late... well, I do kinda have an excuse? I've been really, really busy. That counts, right? (I'm so sorry! Ugh. Real life.)

Unfortunately, updates will continue to be slow for the next few months or so. My workload has increased exponentially, and I've barely had time for writing. Sorry about that...

As always, thanks to **Duesal Bladesinger** for being an amazing beta! Also, thank you **Igornerd **and **Lord Darkly **for your great help!

The next chapter should contain Sasuke's favorite thing, Kakashi's least favorite thing, and Itachi's... thing. (It's much less dirtier than it sounds, I promise!)

If for some odd reason, I didn't reply to your review, send me a PM. Fanfic net has occassionally eaten my responses. And the other times, I... might have forgotten. I promise, it's not intentional! I love and cherish every single one of your reviews.

All comments, criticisms, and concerns are welcome and appreciated.


	10. Felines and Trees

**Chapter Ten: Felines and Trees**

* * *

Kakashi had a slight suspicion that his genin were trying to kill him.

He had accepted a standard D-ranked gardening mission for his team, and everything was going as planned. (Of course, he had blindfolded his students to make things more interesting, but they were doing alright. Somewhat.) After a few hours, Kakashi had taken pity on his students by calling a lunch break.

While his team devoured their food, Kakashi decided to take the opportunity to read his brand-new Icha Icha novel. And that's when Sakura approached him with a thermos.

He looked up, slightly wary. "Hello, Sakura-chan!" he chirped. Itachi, who had been sitting next to him, glanced at the girl and gave a slight nod. Unfortunately for Kakashi, Itachi was still acting as a glorified babysitter for a glorified babysitter. (This time, Kakashi planned on acting more like a teacher than a supervisor. But the point still stood.)

"Sensei," Sakura said sweetly. "I made you some tea. Would you like some?"

Kakashi blinked in surprise. Maybe Sakura _hadn't_ changed that much, unknown parentage aside. In the old dimension, Sakura had attempted to suck-up to him for the first week or so. Then, she had grown exasperated with him and stopped trying, but… it was nice to see that some things didn't change.

"Why thank you, Sakura-chan!" He opened the thermos and froze. His visible eye narrowed as he peered into the tea. An odd-looking leaf was submerged in the bottom. Kakashi sniffed the drink.

_Poisoned. That leaf's extremely toxic. In fact, it looks just like the weed they were removing from the garden…_

He stared at the pile of weeds before discreetly pouring the tea out. _It was probably just an accident._

Itachi looked at him. She raised an eyebrow when the leaf fell from the thermos. Kakashi simply shrugged in response.

* * *

The next of his students to try was Naruto. Granted, Naruto's plot aimed to seriously inconvenience him in a non-lethal way, but it was no less annoying. More annoying, in fact. Especially since Naruto had long mastered the fourth ninja art of pranking.

Kakashi grinned gleefully at his furious students. They hadn't liked the obstacle course he'd set up for them. Sure, it was ANBU-ranked, not genin-ranked, but it was non-lethal! Mostly.

The three genin, surprisingly, did not seem happy.

"Good job, team! You completed the obstacle course. I'm impressed! But..." Kakashi paused theatrically, letting the younger three squirm. "I think that's enough for today. You're dismissed." Ah, the sweet sound of relieved genin.

"Yeah!" Naruto barely had enough energy to speak at his normal volume. He looked exhausted, but his grin was entirely too mischievous for Kakashi's liking. "Have fun at _home_, sensei."

Kakashi scratched the back of his neck. "Uh, alright." He shot Naruto an odd look. "I'm sure I will."

Obviously, when Kakashi reached his home, he was very suspicious. He quickly checked each entrance for booby traps, methodically searching for wire traps, seals, and erasers. Kakashi frowned when he noticed an odd clump of tags at the base of his favorite window.

Kakashi carefully set off the trap.

His apartment shuddered under the force of fifty stench bombs exploding at once.

Wheezing and coughing (despite being exposed to very little of the smoke), Kakashi flickered away from his apartment.

_Why do my kids have an obsession with blowing me up? _he thought, disgruntled. Kakashi frowned and quickly dismissed the thoughts of an organized conspiracy. _It was just a prank from Naruto. Oh well, kids will be kids._

* * *

The Tora mission, however, was what really clued him into his genin's murderous tendencies.

"We did it!" shouted Naruto, relieved beyond measure. "Can you untie us now?"

"Please." Sakura tugged at the rope attaching her to Naruto. "Please!"

Sasuke looked traumatized beyond measure, being the unfortunate soul holding the frantic cat.

"Once we return the cat, "drawled Kakashi, "I'll think about—"

"Oops!" shouted Naruto, bumping his shoulder into Sasuke. The young Uchiha promptly chucked the cat at Kakashi.

The screeching, frothing Tora flew in a straight line, heading straight for his face. Kakashi quickly sidestepped, ensuring that the cat headed towards Itachi instead.

Itachi did the reasonable thing and promptly drop-kicked the cat. Tora sailed in the opposite direction, still screeching as it landed somewhere into the forest.

Kakashi grinned lazily. "How unfortunate. It looks like you still have to complete the mission. Good luck, kiddies."

With a synchronized screams of inhuman rage, the three tied-together genin headed back into the treetops.

Kakashi turned to Itachi, who was staring at him impassively.

"You know," he said finally, "I think my genin may be trying to kill me."

Itachi's expression became dubious, as she wondered how Kakashi had _just_ realized that. "Yes. I think they are."

* * *

Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke all gathered together for their weekly committee-to-kill-Kakashi meeting.

"I don't think it's working," grumbled Naruto, kicking the ground in irritation. "Kakashi-sensei didn't even pay attention to anything we did."

Sasuke scratched at the still-healing battle wounds given to him by Tora. "And I succeeded in making my sister angrier. She made training more difficult in revenge." He scowled (pouted) at the memory.

Sakura crossed her arms, thoughtful. "Perhaps we're approaching this from the wrong angle. Physically, we can't do anything… but we _can_ have a psychological effect."

Naruto squinted suspiciously. "What're you getting at?"

Sakura held up a finger. A hint of a smile danced at the corners of her lips. "Nothing."

Frowning, Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"We've been trying to… _dispose _of sensei directly, which obviously hasn't worked. Until we become much stronger, that approach is unlikely to succeed. However, if after constant assassination attempts, we suddenly stop…" Sakura's smile became concrete. "His paranoia should skyrocket, slowly driving him into madness."

Naruto shot her a skeptical look. "Um, I'm pretty sure he's already crazy."

Her eyebrow twitched. "More insane, I mean!"

Sasuke gave a short sigh. "Might as well try," he muttered, sounding almost pained to agree with his stalker/fangirl.

"Excellent!" crowed Sakura. "For now, we'll suspend murder-based operations. Mission drive-Kakashi-sensei-into-insanity is a go!"

* * *

After a month of training and aborted murder attempts, Kakashi was firmly confident in his team's ability to handle any C-rank, including that god-forsaken C-turned-S-rank Wave mission. Besides, they hadn't tried to kill him in several days. Either they had realized the futility of trying, or his team had matured. Both scenarios were promising.

"Hokage-sama," said Kakashi, grinning when an exasperated Minato rolled his eyes at the title, "I think my team is ready for a C-rank."

Sasuke looked as happy as was possible for an Uchiha. Naruto openly exclaimed his joy to the heavens, jumping up and down like a possessed man, and Sakura's green eyes shined with manic energy.

Itachi, on the other hand, did not seem so confident. "I do not think this is wise."

"Why is that?" Minato leaned forward, resting his chin on his palm.

"They are fresh genin. Most teams have at least another month of training before they start C-ranks," pointed out Itachi.

"Yeah, but my team is exceptionally talented." Kakashi fondly ruffled Naruto's hair. "They're miles ahead of every other team." _And far more capable than the old Team 7 was at this time._

Minato hummed as he shuffled through a pile of papers. "I'm afraid I agree with Kakashi." The dimensional traveler smirked at Itachi, who glared back at him, irritated. "But," the two jonin stiffened at the Hokage's tone of voice, "Itachi-chan, if you're so worried about Team 7, why don't you accompany them?"

"It's fine!" Kakashi interjected immediately. "We're perfectly capable of handling a C-rank without a babysitter. Besides, Itachi's not a part of Team 7! And most teams don't have _two_ jonin looking after them. Think about all the complaints of favoritism!"

Minato gave Kakashi a flat look. "Kakashi, there are _already_ complaints of favoritism. I gave you my son, the second son of the Uchiha main family, and the top kunoichi of the year. Three of the top students, all on the same team. Of course that's favoritism!" He interlocked his fingers and smiled his I-am-Hokage-so-fucking-listen-to-me smile. "Besides, if anyone asks, I can simply state that I'm worried about potential kidnappings. You can never be _too_ careful, right?"

"I have no issue with accompanying Team 7," added Itachi. She ignored Kakashi's wounded look.

"Excellent! And I have the perfect mission for you, too!"

Kakashi idly wondered what it would be. With all the dramatic changes going on, there was no _way_ it'd still be the Wave miss—

"It's an escort mission to Wave."

_Fucking hell._

_Great. Now I have to deal with a drunk bridge builder, an S-rank missing-nin with a sob story, a dictator and—_

"You'll be accompanying Zabuko and Haku back to their country. They're simple fisherwomen afraid of bandit attacks along the route. It shouldn't be too difficult."

He froze. _Wait. What?_

"Ah, they're here right now."

In walked Zabuza in the worst drag Kakashi had ever seen. He wore a misshapen wig with pigtails over his bandages and a too-large dress with watermelons sticking out the top. Haku followed in the best drag he had ever seen—Kakashi was half-convinced that the boy _was _a woman.

Kakashi, with his best what-the-fuck expression, turned back to the Yondaime. Minato looked back calmly, but he was clearly struggling to keep a smile off his face.

The silver-haired jonin stepped forward, placing his hands on the Hokage's desk. "Sensei," he hissed, "I don't think you've noticed, but I'm pretty sure _those are two missing-nin in drag in your office_."

"What?" Minato coughed to hide his laugh. "I have no idea what you're talking about." The blond's fight to keep a straight face became even more obvious.

"This is revenge, isn't it?" Kakashi narrowed his eye. "Really? _Really?_ I think you've paid it back ten-fold, by now!" _Vindictive bastard. _He'd honestly forgotten about how unforgiving Minato had been. Everyone talked about his kindness and permanent cheer, but they conveniently forgot to mention his vengeful, sadistic streak. _You don't get a flee-on-sight label by throwing flowers and rainbows at your enemy._

The Yondaime ignored his former student's words and tossed two scrolls at him. "One's for you and Itachi. Don't open or discuss that one until you reach the coast," said Minato, voice almost inaudible. "The other's for your team. Have fun!"

Zabuza—or Zabuko, rather—frowned at the three genin. "I asked for a ninja team, not three runts," he scoffed in an artificial falsetto.

"Who you calling a runt!" Naruto glared at the masked crossdresser.

"Zabuko-sama, I think they'll do fine," placated Haku, smiling softly at Naruto. The younger blonde immediately blushed a bright red.

_Ha!_ thought Kakashi, amused. _Wait until he finds out Haku's real gender._

Zabuko grunted, forgetting to disguise his voice. "The two older ones look alright. The Yondaime's Dog and Itachi of the Eternal Flame, if I'm not mistaken. I wouldn't mind figh—" Zabuko winced when Haku stepped on his foot with high heels. "Being guarded by them," he finished sourly.

Itachi shot them an incredulous look before turning back to Kakashi and Minato. "Are you certain about this?" she asked the Hokage.

"Positively!" Minato beamed, smiling so brightly that sparkles surrounded him. "Now, go complete your mission!" With those parting words, he kicked everyone out of his office.

* * *

Unwillingly, Team 7 and Itachi started off on their mission to escort Zabuko and Haku.

_What the fuck, _thought Kakashi numbly. _Seriously, what the fuck. I don't even know what's happening anymore. The Wave mission was _not _supposed to go like this._

Itachi seemed tenser than usual, her hand constantly hovering over her shuriken pouch. She shot wary glances at Zabuko as she protectively shadowed her younger brother.

Naruto, on the other hand, seemed utterly enamored with Haku. "S-so," he stuttered, "you're from Wave?"

Haku laughed softly. "Not originally, no. But we live there now. It's basically our second home."

"Wow! Where'd you used to live?" The blond watched, fascinated, as Haku's long hair fluttered in the breeze. "Your hair is so pretty," Naruto breathed.

"Thank you, Naruto-kun." The long-haired nin smiled gently at him.

Sasuke, on the other hand, seemed rather sullen. Every few seconds, he glanced behind him at his sister before pouting and turning around.

Sakura was also glancing back every few seconds—but at Zabuko, not Itachi. After a few minutes, she sidled up to Kakashi.

"Sensei," she whispered, "I don't think Zabuko's actually a woman."

Kakashi watched as a watermelon fell out of Zabuko's dress. Surreptitiously, the bandaged man picked it up and shoved it back in his top.

"I think you're right, Sakura-chan," said Kakashi after a second. "But our client's choice of dress is no concern of ours."

Seemingly accepting the answer, Sakura nodded and fell back in formation.

Kakashi half-expected to see a poorly-disguised puddle, but he didn't spot any during their entire trek to the coast. Their entire journey there was actually _more_ uneventful than the original trip.

Finally, once they reached the shoreline, Kakashi called for them to stop and set up camp. "We'll stop and rest for the night. Tomorrow morning, we'll cross into Wave."

There were no complaints from anyone except Zabuko, who briefly muttered something about "Leaf Weaklings." A sharp glare from Haku and Itachi promptly shut him up.

Once the fire was made and the genin were mostly asleep, Kakashi pulled aside Itachi to talk.

"I should probably tell you about the second mission," he whispered.

At Itachi's look of outrage, Kakashi held up his hands in the classic image of surrender. "In my defense, Minato-sensei told me not to tell you until we get to the coast."

Itachi's expression quickly defaulted to neutral. She frowned slightly, waiting for him to explain.

"Even I don't know what the mission is. Sensei sealed it so that I wouldn't be able to open it. It's timed to open... in the next ten seconds, actually."

The two jonin stared at the scroll. After exactly ten seconds, a small, silent puff of smoke alerted them of the seal's expiration.

He nicked his thumb on the edge of a kunai and pressed it to the scroll. Then, Kakashi opened the scroll and angled it so that Itachi could also read.

* * *

_Kakashi-kun and Itachi-chan! Sorry for being overly dramatic about this. But while the genin are doing their nice, easy C-rank, I have an A-rank for you to complete._

_If you haven't noticed (which I know you did), Zabuko and Haku aren't actually fisherwomen. Both are missing-nin from Kiri. Konoha is legally obligated by treaty to refuse missions from rogue ninja, but Konoha obviously didn't know about their missing-nin status due to their masterful disguise._

_Gato is strangling Wave's economy, and he has drastically increased the price of goods to Konoha. He also has completely refused to negotiate. I need you to take him and his little gang of thugs down using any method possible. He is holding the Daimyo of Wave hostage, so getting rid of Gato should fix that little problem as well._

_(I know that Gato is a lackey of that psychopath Yagura, but if you dispatch him due to 'self-defense,' we'll still be in the clear.)_

_Oh, make sure your genin are safe during all this._

_And of course, have fun!_

* * *

The scroll promptly self-destructed.

Scowling, Kakashi dropped the pile of ash. "You got all that?" he asked.

Itachi deactivated her sharingan and nodded.

"I'm going to kill that man," growled Kakashi. "Making my life more difficult just for the hell of it."

"I will help," Itachi replied matter-of-factly.

Kakashi gave a grudging smile. "Of course."

* * *

The next day, they hired a boatman to ferry them across to the island. The poor civilian looked terrified, shaking under the combined weight of Itachi and Kakashi's irritation.

Zabuko wasn't that happy, either. "This is taking too long," he grumbled. "Can't we just run across the water?"

Haku elbowed the man in the gut. "But Zabuko-sama," the other missing-nin said with a plastered smile and gritted teeth, "we can't do that, right? Because we're not ninja?"

"Oh. Right." He leaned back, jostling a watermelon out of his dress. The fruit bounced off the edge of the boat and fell into the ocean with a plop. Zabuko stared at the ripples marking the watermelon's new location. "Fuck." He turned around and glared at the genin. Sakura looked rather smug, Naruto appeared utterly shocked, and Sasuke seemed completely unconcerned.

"That never happened!" snarled Zabuko, letting out a sliver of killing intent.

Naruto continued to stare, mouth hanging wide open. Sasuke scoffed and turned around. Sakura, on the other hand…

"Are you threatening me?" she hissed back, green eyes narrowing. Suddenly, Sakura smiled. "Are you challenging me to a fight?" Her tone abruptly became excited.

"Of course not, Sakura-chan!" Haku said quickly. "Zabuko-sama's just in a bad mood."

Disappointed, Sakura crossed her arms and turned away.

The remainder of the boat ride was fairly boring. At least, until they were halfway to the island when, out of nowhere, thick fog appeared, obscuring their vision.

_There's no way that mist is natural. _Sighing, Kakashi drew his weapon and exchanged a look with Itachi. _It's impossible for Team 7 to have a regular C-rank, no matter which dimension it's in. Absolutely impossible._

He was just in time, too.

A sudden stream of kunai pierced the thick fog, headed right towards Zabuko and Haku. Itachi quickly appeared in front of the two, deflecting the weapons with ease. Kakashi stood in front of the genin, leisurely batting aside the senbon and shuriken aimed towards the rest of Team 7.

Wind really wasn't his element, but he'd picked up a few tricks during the war. Kakashi ran through a string of hand seals, conjuring up a sharp gust of wind to blow away the mist.

The five attackers—no name chuunin, from the looks of it—were now visible and visibly nervous. Kakashi frowned when he noticed the clean, unmarked headbands. _Loyal Kiri ninja?_

The genin sprung into action. "I've needed this!" exclaimed Sakura, eagerly drawing a kunai. She ran onto the ocean, balancing easily on the waves. Sasuke and Naruto followed, also able to water-walk, having been subjected to Kakashi's training.

"Hey, I bet I can take out the enemy faster than you can!" Naruto hollered.

"In your dreams." Sasuke rolled his eyes as he palmed a shuriken, tossing a few at the first enemy.

Kakashi watched with pride as the three worked as a team (fucking _finally_), actually following the formations they had worked on. Sakura distracted one with a genjutsu, Sasuke pushed him back with a stream of fire, and Naruto knocked out the chuunin with a quick blow to the head.

Itachi had already taken out two. Sighing, Kakashi figure that he might as well join the fight. But before he could, Kakashi noticed Zabuko stand up dramatically.

"I've had enough of this!" shouted Zabuko with rage. "No more disguises!" With a fearsome roar, he tore apart his dress, standing on the boat in nothing but shorts and bandages. "Fuck hiding, I'm gonna tear some Kiri-ninja apart!" He pulled out his cleaver-like sword from a sealing scroll before dashing off to behead the terrified chuunin.

"Oh, Zabuza-sama," said Haku, sighing. "I suppose the ruse is up." Daintily, the other missing-nin stepped off the boat and flickered to the other chuunin, quickly trapping her in a cage of ice.

_Well, that leaves just one for me_.

Kakashi casually walked up to the chuunin, ducking to avoid the water-dragon that the chuunin frantically conjured. Kakashi ran through a few handsigns, creating a wolf-shaped blast of electricity that electrocuted his opponent. After slinging the Kiri-nin over his shoulder, he turned back to his team.

His genin had proudly hoisted their defeated enemy in the air, waving him around like a flag.

"Sensei!" Naruto grinned proudly at his amused teacher. "We did it!" Sakura cheered as their personal unconscious chuunin flopped around. Even Sasuke looked pleased, looking to his sister for approval before catching himself and scowling.

Kakashi flashed a thumbs-up at his team. Then, he narrowed his eyes ominously at Zabuza-née-Zabuko and Haku. "Well, now that the excitement's all over, I suppose it's time we have a little chat."

* * *

"You're a ninja!?" screeched Naruto. "And a guy?"

"I thought we already established that," said Sakura, rolling her eyes. "Didn't you see the watermelon fall out of his dress?"

"Yeah, but I just thought he was illegally smuggling fruit!"

"What?" Sasuke looked incredulously at Naruto, mirroring his sister's expression. "You idiot, why would you think that?"

"Hey!" Naruto crossed his arms defensively. "Well, Wave's currently suffering from a food shortage, and fruit's being rationed and sold at ridiculous prices. I just thought Zabuko had figured out a foolproof method to supply fruit to the island. I was really impressed, too!"

Everyone stared at him.

"What?" The blonde scowled, affronted. "I'm not _stupid_." He paused for a few seconds. "And my dad's the Hokage," he muttered. "He doesn't shut up about this stuff during dinner."

"That makes sense." Sakura sighed, relieved. "For a second, I actually thought you knew something, even if your assumption was extremely stupid."

"I resent that." Naruto glared at Sakura.

"You do realize that my name's Zabuza, not Zabuko?" said the huge missing-nin, raising a bandaged eyebrow.

"Yeah yeah, whatever." Naruto suddenly swung around to face Haku. "And _you're _also a ninja, right? Let me guess, you're actually a boy too! What's your _real_ name? Hakuto?"

_Here comes the moment of truth…_

Haku smiled apologetically. "No, I'm actually a girl, and my name _is_ Haku. I normally dress-up as a Kiri hunter-nin, so my disguise was simply coming as myself."

Kakashi very slowly, very subtly face-palmed. _Never mind. I forgot that this universe likes screwing with me._

"I'm sorry for lying to you, Naruto-kun. But we had to disguise ourselves in order to request a mission from Konoha."

Haku immediately launched into a sob-story, detailing the horrors of Yagura's reign of terror. Naruto started sniffling a few seconds into it, and even Sasuke looked a bit disturbed.

Sakura merely seemed contemplative.

Not good.

_She isn't… considering implementing those measures herself, is she?_

Most of it, Kakashi had heard before. However, he started noticing a few deviations from the original story towards the end.

"... so we traveled as missing-nin, until we reached Wave. Here, we noticed that Yagura's wicked rule had spread into other countries as well. We decided to work with the resistance, fighting off Gato and his police-force of Kiri ninja as best as we could. However, the endless waves of enemies became too much for us. Zabuza-sama and I decided to flee to Konoha and get help, but we only had enough money to hire a genin team and instructor."

Haku looked down, her hair falling softly around her. "I'm sorry for asking you to do this, Naruto-kun… but could you and your team help us free Wave from the tyranny that is Gato?"

Eyes shining, Naruto nodded furiously. "Sorry for ever doubting you! A girl as pretty as you couldn't _possibly_ be evil! Of course we'll help, right?"

Sasuke grunted in agreement.

"... I wouldn't mind fighting some more ninja," said Sakura thoughtfully.

"I'm not sure," said Kakashi, drawing out each word. "This mission is _far_ beyond your pay grade…" He internally smirked at his students' horrified looks. "But if Uchiha-san agrees, then there shouldn't be a problem."

Itachi appeared at that moment, returning from her side-trip to drop off the captured ninja. She was immediately accosted by three pleading genin.

"Itachi-senpai, can we please rescue an island from an evil dictator? Please?"

"Itachi-nee, can we?"

"Itachi-senpai, I really want to kill some—er, test myself against enemy ninja!"

Itachi blinked slowly. "... sure."

"Well, that's settled," decided Kakashi. "Let's go dismantle a criminal empire!"

* * *

"The people of Wave were _thinking _of building a bridge here, but the ninja kept tearing it down. So we decided to hold off on the bridge until we defeated Gato."

"I see," said Naruto, boredly throwing kunai at a tree. "So, when're the bad guys gonna show up?"

Haku shrugged, adjusting her fake hunter-nin mask. "Don't worry, Naruto-kun. We'll just wait around here until they show up. That's what normally happens, at least."

"Don't jinx it, Naruto," said Kakashi.

"If it isn't Zabuza and his pet hunter-nin!" chuckled Gato from the distance. He put his hands on his hips and dramatically pointed towards them.

"He jinxed it." Sasuke sighed heavily.

"And I see that he's brought a few friends! But I've brought a few of my own!" He clapped, and about twenty assorted genin and chuunin appeared out of nowhere.

"You mean you've brought battle fodder." Zabuza laughed, even more dramatic. "They'll be nothing against us!"

"Oh, that's what you think." Gato cackled loudly, trying to upstage Zabuza's theatrical laugh. "But wait until you see my newest ninja!"

"I'm not _your_ ninja," interrupted a vaguely familiar voice. "But I'm looking forward to this! I spy lots of strong fighters. It'll be fun to kill 'em and toss their bodies to the sharks."

Finally, Kakashi recognized the person walking towards them.

_Fuck. Me._

With an all-too cheerful smile, Hoshigaki Kisame eagerly drew his monstrous sword.

* * *

**AN: **Y'all are probably getting tired of hearing this, but thank you so much for the favs, follows, and reviews! This story has crossed the 1K+ threshold for favorites, and now has over 400 reviews. I can't thank you all enough.

Of course, thanks to **Duesal Bladesinger** for being an awesome beta. Special thanks to **Igornerd **and **Lord Darkly** for their advice as well!

**EvilFuzzy9 **was kind enough to recommend this story in his fanfic, **_I Am NOT Going Through Puberty Again! _**I really appreciate it!

Holy mother of all that is good, _**Branches **_has a **TV Tropes **page! The link is on my profile. I'd love to see more added to it! Thank you, mysterious stranger who created the page way back in... December. (I only found out about it a few weeks ago. Oops.)

And last thing, I promise. I moved all the omakes/extras to a separate fic titled _**Twigs**_. I'll also be taking requests for scenes over there. Over the past few months, I've been editing and cleaning up this fanfic to make it a little more cohesive and organized. I'd love to hear what you think!

Next chapter will have the rest of the messed-up Wave arc, and Fugaku! Welcome back, over-protective Uchiha father!

Comments, criticism, and concerns are always appreciated.


	11. Trees in the Background

**Chapter Eleven: Trees in the Background**

* * *

Kakashi stared at the blue-skinned man. _Ok, the odds got worse, but they're still pretty good. Zabuza, Itachi, and I should be more than capable of handling one S-Ranker._

"Really, Hoshigaki?" said a feminine voice. "You just love making an entrance." Following Kisame was a beautiful, busty woman who wouldn't look out of place on the cover of _Icha Icha_. A woman with a Kiri hitai-ate and long red hair.

A woman who was named Terumi Mei. Who would be the future (past?) Mizukage, who had two insanely powerful bloodlines, and… who was smiling at Naruto?

"Naruto! I didn't expect to see _you_ here!" she exclaimed. "How have you been?"

_What?_

"Auntie Mei!" Naruto waved enthusiastically at the Kiri woman. "I'm good! I'm still working on the Uzumaki Secret Art of Ramen #12." He gave a loud groan. "It's really hard, ya know?"

_What._

"Of course it's really hard!" Mei gave a sniff. "Did you expect our secret arts to be easy? But really, you should convince your dad to send you over sometimes!" She brightened. "I can teach you more Uzumaki tricks, and I always love hanging out with my nephew!"

_You have _got _to be kidding me._ Kakashi stared in horror as Mei and Naruto… engaged in small talk.

"Yeah, that'd be so cool!" Then, Naruto sagged with disappointment. "But my dad won't ever listen. He always says that 'sending my only child into a hostile country ruled by a maniac is patently stupid,' even though it's obviously not!"

Mei made a fist, and her eyes flashed in a way that reminded Kakashi of Kushina's. "I'll convince him otherwise. You better believe it!" Mei's mouth dropped open as some sort of realization struck. Kakashi immediately became very, very nervous. _Whenever Kushina got that expression, someone ended up a gibbering mess._ "I know! I'll just become the Mizukage, and then Minato will have to let you visit!"

Everyone stared at the now-exuberant woman.

"Uh…" said Kisame, raising an eyebrow at his partner. "You do realize that saying that is treason, right?"

"Treason, shm'eason. The only treasoning I know is ramen seasoning!"

"That's not…" began Kakashi weakly. "That's no…"

"But first thing's first!" Completely ignoring Kakashi, she pointed a finger at the Konoha ninja plus Zabuza and Haku. "Surrender or die! Except for you, Naruto, but that's besides the point!"

"Sorry, auntie." Naruto made the handsign for shadow clones. "I love you, but I can't let you maim my friends."

"I understand. No hard feelings!" Mei began her own handsigns, calling up a thick mist.

At the same time as the family reunion, the two swordsmen of the mist were having a conversation of their own.

"Prepare to meet your end, Hoshigaki!" Zabuza pulled out his giant cleaver. "Let's fight, swordsman to swordsman. Who's the strongest? Which one emerged from the mist that shrouds—"

"You're so fucking dramatic," groaned Kisame. "I never liked you, anyway. For someone known for silent killing, you just won't shut up." He smiled, displaying rows of sharp teeth. "Your death will be slow."

"Alright, kiddos." Kakashi clapped his hands to get the attention of his adorable team. "You take care of the jutsu fodder—I mean, the genin and chunin."

"Yes, sensei!" said Sakura, Sasuke, and Naruto, all in perfect sync. They immediately sprung into action, tearing after the first terrified Kiri genin they saw.

"I will protect Team 7." Itachi's tone brooked no argument. "See if you can handle the Uzumaki woman." With a disdainful backwards glance, the elder Uchiha vanished.

_What is with Itachi?_ Kakashi scowled. _One minute, we're commiserating the pains of this world, and the next minute, she insults me and disappears!_

"Relationship issues, huh?" said a voice from behind him. Kakashi spun around and blocked Mei's downward kick. "That's rough."

Kakashi coated his hands with lightning, filling the air with the thick crackle of ozone. Mei leaped back, crouching to avoid the stray sparks.

"No, nothing like that." He winked, or rather, blinked, considering that only one eye was visible. "I'm still very single. Are you interested?"

Mei giggled as she vanished back into the mist. "Ooh, bold. I like that." A plume of lava erupted from his left. Kakashi could feel the heat on his cheek as he sidestepped her attack. "But are you hot enough to handle me?"

He raced through a few handsigns, using his get-rid-of-the-mist wind jutsu. "I can definitely cool you down."

The mist dispersed, leaving a very amused red-head. "I'm a little kinky, though." To Kakashi's shock, golden chains shot out of her back and wrapped around his arms. "You don't mind being tied down, do you?" Mei opened her mouth, and acidic steam curled slowly towards him.

_What the fuck. Mei actually is an Uzumaki. And she has _three _bloodlines? That's just unfair._

"Don't worry, babe." Kakashi grabbed the chains and used them to conduct a jolt of electricity. "You'll find that I can be quite… shocking."

In a smooth movement, Kakashi managed to twist out of the chains and raise his headband. Obito's sharingan spun faster as it tracked Mei's movements. He glanced to the left, noting that Itachi and Team 7 had finished off nearly all the weaker Kiri ninja. However, Itachi didn't seem very happy about her success. In fact, she was glaring at Kakashi.

_Huh. I wonder what happened. Hopefully, no one got hurt_…

"Oh, how nice." Mei gave a wicked smile. "Show me what you've got, White Hound."

_Hell yes. That's a cool name. _Kakashi returned the grin. "My pleasure."

* * *

In the meantime, the two swordsman of the mist were having their little showdown.

"This is nothing!" panted Zabuza, narrowly blocking Kisame's sword. "Is this all you've got?"

"Pathetic." Kisame summoned two water clones. "You've never been good, but your skills have gotten worse." With a swing of Samehada, Kisame forced Zabuza back. His two clones took advantage of Zabuza's misstep, swinging their own swords down—

Itachi flickered in front of Zabuza, defeating the clones and counterattacking with blast of flames. Kisame deflected the fire with Samehada, much to the sword's displeasure.

"That's unexpected." Kisame raised his eyebrows. "Why's a pretty lady like you fighting for a man like this?"

Itachi reappeared behind Kisame, and he narrowly dodged her kick. Kisame swung Samehada around deflecting the wave of kunai. A few exploded against the sword, temporarily shrouding Kisame in smoke that smelled of iron and ashes. Itachi's eyes spun faster.

"Nice illusion," said Kisame, dispersing the smoke with a few swings of his sword. "I almost believed it." He summoned an enormous wave of water, but it crashed just to the left of Itachi. She counterattacked with a quick bout of taijutsu before leaping back. With a combined shuriken-ninjutsu attack, she blocked Kisame's path

Samehada gave a displeased screech at the fire-enhanced shuriken that struck against him. One burning chunk metal slipped from his guard and lodged into Kisame's shoulder. The blue man shook his head as he dodged the second wave of attacks.

"Damn. Layered genjutsu! I should've known." He gave her a look of admiration as he yanked out the weapon. Casually, he tossed the bloody shuriken behind him. Then, he flared his chakra brightly enough to blind the average sensor. "You're good. Real good."

Zabuza took the chance to rejoin the battle. "I'm not out for the count!" he snarled, leaping forward with his giant meat cleaver.

Kisame slammed his sword against the other man's skull. "Yes, you _are_."

Zabuza crumpled to the ground.

A heart-rending scream echoed through the trees. "Zabuza-sama!" The chuunin fighting against Haku froze instantly, crackling sheets of ice piercing them through. "Zabuza-sama!"

Kisame stopped. He glanced at the impassive Itachi. Besides Mei, who was still occupied by Kakashi, Kisame had no teammates left.

"Well, pretty lady," said Kisame, barring his teeth in a smile. "I think it's time for me to go. We'll meet again. I'll make sure of it."

An enormous jelly-fish flopped out of the waves. Kisame back-flipped onto it, water droplets swirling around him like sparkles. "Retreat!" he snarled. With that parting greeting, he and his summon disappeared into the water.

While other ninja were better at dramatic entrances, no one could beat Kisame at dramatic exits.

* * *

Kakashi paused in his match with Mei. "Shit." _Is Zabuza dead?_ He blinked as a giant jellyfish appeared out of nowhere. _What. Is that… a jellyfish?_

The neon-pink jellyfish waved around its tentacles, sparkling brightly in the water. Even more weirdly, _Kisame_ was riding on its back. After twirling elegantly, both disappeared back into the water.

"But… that makes no sense," said Kakashi helplessly. "Kisame's a shark. He looks like a shark. His name _literally_ means _demon shark_. How the fuck does he have a pink jellyfish summon?"

Mei pursed her lips before sending a gout of lava that almost took off his head. "Aw, honey. I'm a jealous woman. You have to give me all your attention!"

"Why? Do you feel threatened by other women?" he snarked back. "Or giant jellyfish? Wow, you're kinkier than I thought."

Mei's eye twitched.

_Uh… I might have pushed it too far. _

"Not at all." Her mouth twisted into a snarl. "But you should feel threatened by _me!"_

Kakashi created an earthen wall to black the dual acid-lava attack. Unfortunately, the wall didn't last long. Kakashi threw himself to the side, springing into a handstand before righting himself. He laughed nervously. "Aren't you taking this a bit too seriously?"

"It's a life-and-death battle, you idiot!" she screeched. "Of course I'm taking this seriously!"

He made another earthen wall that lasted a few seconds at most. "Well…" Kakashi tried to think of something witty to say. Thankfully, he was spared from the awkward silence by the arrival of Naruto and co.

"Auntie Mei!" Naruto waved while sprinting towards his fellow Uzumaki. His teammates were close behind. Sakura and Sasuke each carried seven or so unconscious ninja. "Guess what! Guess what!"

"What?" said Mei cheerfully. The slight tensing of her fists betrayed her casual nature.

_Well, she should be afraid. Her teammates are either gone or dead, and she's surrounded by hostiles_.

"I caught my first S-rank ninja!"

Mei beamed. "Really, Naruto? Who?"

He gave a mischievous grin. "You!"

Itachi appeared behind her, whacking Mei on the head with the blunt end of a kunai. The Uzumaki woman immediately fell unconscious, and Naruto began wrapping her from head to toe in rope.

Kakashi stared Mei, who was currently comatose. Then, he looked to Itachi. She seemed very, very satisfied.

"You didn't have to hit her that hard," said Kakashi, hesitant. For some odd reason, he felt rather nervous.

Itachi smiled, which instantly set off alarm bells in Kakashi's head. "No, I did."

* * *

After the anti-climactic arrest of Gato, a rescue mission to save the Wave Daimyo that was routine enough to be skipped over entirely, and a quick celebration where the freed villagers promised to build a bridge in honor of Zabuza, the team continued back towards Konoha. At the border between the two nations, Haku and Zabuza (who was still alive, though he was nursing a sore head) bid the team a tearful farewell.

"I'll never forget you!" blubbered Naruto, snot dripping down his nose. "You're too pretty to forget, Haku-nee!" He wiped his face, which had the unintended side effect of smearing mucus all over his cheeks. "And even though you're not a girl, you're still cool, Zabuko!"

"Zabuza," corrected the man with a grunt.

"Idiot." Sasuke jabbed Naruto in the side. "It's not like they're dead. We'll probably see them again, someday." He paused. "We might have to kill them, though."

Eyes narrowed, Kakashi glanced at Sasuke, feeling an odd sense of deja vu. He forced himself to relax. While it was true that the Sasuke from his original dimension had attempted to murder former friends many, many times, _this_ Sasuke was relatively stable, despite being an Uchiha.

Unfortunately, Itachi had noticed his slight trepidation, and she was now staring at him suspiciously.

"Thanks for showing me that cool trick, Haku-san!" Sakura bowed to the older woman, smiling in a way that almost seemed normal.

Haku smiled back. "It was my pleasure, Sakura-chan."

Wait. Cool trick? What cool trick? What the hell had Haku taught her? How to sacrifice herself for higher ranking ninja?

"Yeah, yeah, thanks, whatever. We're leaving now." With those charming words, Zabuza disappeared.

After a more polite expression of gratitude, Haku followed after her teacher.

"Well," said Kakashi cheerfully, ignoring the fact that Itachi was still glaring daggers at his back while carrying Mei on hers, "all that's left is to go back to Minato!"

* * *

Minato was not pleased.

"I don't know why I bother to be surprised anymore," he said, pinching his forehead. "The fact that you kidnapped Mei, who just happens to be my annoying cousin-in-law, really shouldn't bother me as much as it does. Heaven knows that you've done worse."

At the mention of her name, Mei began to stir. Itachi immediately knocked her out, her blow slightly more vicious than it had to be.

"I don't get what your problem is, dad!" exclaimed Naruto. "Auntie Mei's been dying to see me for ages! Now she'll get to see me everyday!"

"Shut up, Naruto. You're stupid." Sasuke scoffed, contorting his face in a way that freakishly resembled Fugaku.

"Nuh-uh, you're stupid! Stop calling me stupid!"

After listening for a moment, Sakura decided to join in. With a bright smile, she said, "I will shove a senbon needle up your—"

"The Daimyo's wife has put out a new D-rank for finding Tora," said Minato mildly.

With due haste, the genin made themselves scarce.

Now that the children were gone, the temperature of the room went down several degrees. Minato stared at the two jounin in the room for almost a minute, expression blank. Despite the cold, sweat beaded on Kakashi's forehead. What was Minato going to do? Torture him? Murder him? Assign him _another_ genin team? The possibilities for punishment were endless.

"Kakashi, you're dismissed."

Kakashi blinked. "I'm dismissed?" He turned to stare at Itachi. "Just me? I'm the only one dismissed?"

_This isn't right. This isn't right at all._ Kakashi frowned at both Minato and Itachi, wondering what in the world they were up to. While he'd never seen the results of Minato and Itachi's cooperation, since the Yondaime had been dead for most of the young Uchiha's life, Kakashi knew it couldn't be good.

"Kakashi, you are dismissed." Minato's tone brooked no argument.

With a frown, Kakashi flickered out of the room. On one hand, he wanted to get to the bottom of this. On the other, he might end up in the bottom of the ocean if he pried too hard.

* * *

Minato let out another sigh as his former student vanished. He looked back up at the Uchiha heir, who, as usual, was standing at polite attention despite the presence of an S-ranked nin on her shoulder.

"We should probably do something about Mei, first," muttered Minato.

Itachi stared blankly at him, waiting for her orders.

He blinked. "You can put her down, you know."

Itachi immediately dropped Mei. Both watched as she slumped to the floor. After a minute passed, Minato signalled for his ANBU guards to take Mei away.

"Alright, now that she's taken care of…" Minato steepled his fingers, "let's get down to business. What can you tell me about Kakashi, now that you've observed him in action?"

"He is loyal to Konoha, Hokage-sama." There was no hesitation or doubt in her words. "He cares intensely for his genin team and for you." She paused. "However, my suspicions were correct. He fights like someone who has been out of ANBU for many years, and several of his techniques were unfamiliar. Even more telling, Hatake Kakashi was constantly surprised during our mission."

He gestured for her to continue.

"Especially when he was interacting with the clients, Kisame, and Mei, it seemed like Kakashi's expectations were constantly subverted." Her lips twitched downward. "But beyond that, what I found most confusing were his reactions towards Sasuke. He seems constantly on guard when interacting with my younger brother. It is… as if he expects Sasuke to attack him at any moment."

Minato blinked. "What? Why?"

Itachi's frown grew deeper. "Hokage-sama, I do not know."

* * *

A familiar bird screeched by his window, waiting impatiently with a scroll.

With a groan, Kakashi finished his shower. Messenger hawks always had the worst timing. Quickly, he opened his window and extracted the document. Kakashi toweled his head as he skimmed it, growing more and more apprehensive. Once he reached the end, he froze. Wasting no time, Kakashi flickered from his house, heading straight to the Hokage's tower.

The Chuunin Exams were beginning soon.

And they were being held in _Suna._

* * *

**AN:** It's been over a year since the last update. If you're anything like me, you're brushing the dust off your email, wondering what in the world _Branches _is, and why you received an alert for it. Sorry about that... Life. Rest assured, it isn't abandoned. In fact, the end (of the story) is closer than you think! Again, thank you for all your reviews and favorites and follows. So many alerts. God. You rock! (Also, I now have a tumblr, though I only use it to lurk. That website makes me feel old. But if you're interested, my name is _m__ockingone._ I have plotbunnies for sale over there.)

Much thanks to **Duesal Bladesinger**, **Igornerd**, and **Ser Serendipity **for beta-ing and reading over the story. They're all very amazing, and you should check them out.

No Fugaku this chapter, sadly. He'll pop up in the next. Along with a certain trio of siblings... yay! Also, Tenzo. Poor soul.

I always appreciate comments, concerns, and criticisms. Thanks for reading!


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Naruto, Adventure, Humor