Digimon 1. Chapter 1

Top of Form

Emu: **Walks in with a cherry soda** Dum. Dee. Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum. DeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEK! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!

Cat: **Looks up briefly from computer** Why revenge of course.

Puppetmon: **Just appears** Captain! The troops are ready and waiting!

Cat: Very well, let's proceed.

Puppetmon: YES MA'AM! **Dematerializes**

Emu: You've been watching Star Trek. -- Um, is this supposed to be your revenge against Crest?

Cat: Yes, AND IT HAS A PLOT! WAHAHAHAHA **Lightening flashes and horses neigh**

Emu: Nice touch. You got it from Young Frankenstein, didn't you?

Cat: Thank you and yes.

Emu: I smell a horrendous play of spoofs coming on.

Cat: Aw shut up and watch!

And now…we present for your utter enjoyment, or horror…a plan so despicable only a cat could think of it…filled with spoofs and hairballs…THE DAY OF COMPLETE INSANITY!

Cat: CUT! CUT! CUT!

Emu: What?

Cat: THAT IS NOT WHAT IT'S CALLED!

Emu: **Looks at title link **Uh, that's what is says.

Cat: WHAT? Okay, who messed with the title!

Puppetmon: **Whistles innocently**

Cat: WHY DID YOU CHANGE THE TITLE! It was SUPPOSED to be Cat Conquers, or Finality Fuzz, or Devine Dictator, or even just plain DOOM! **Mrs. Bitters from Invader Zim appears, screeches 'DOOM!', and slithers away.**

Puppetmon: Erm, okay then. Well anyway, I thought that this new title about summed it up and it shows that I helped.

Cat: **Shakes head** Oh, okay fine. Whatever. CAN WE JUST MOVE ON ALREADY!

Emu: Okie dokie. Where was I? Oh yes.

Presenting, the one, the only, the totally odd and mystifying, THE DAY OF COMPLETE INSANITY! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! Dramatic drumming.

It was a cheerfully sunny day in the Digital world. The sun shone brightly and the wind played gently with the swaying grass. Weaving rivers shimmered, as did the slate surfaces of high mountains. Small digimon littered the land. Some were playing a small game of tag, others were splashing around in the clear rivers, and the others were merely chatting. Among the happy little digimon, the digidestined were having a picnic in the cool shade of some sturdy oak trees.

There were ten digidestined in all. First, there was Tai. He was wearing a white and blue T-shirt as well as some dark navy jeans. His bushy brown hair was out of control as usual. He was trying to fix it but to no avail. On Tai's right was Matt. Matt had on a black tank top, an open jean jacket, and some faded and artistically ripped jeans. Glinting sunglasses hid his blue eyes. He was currently on his back staring at clouds; his slicked back hair caught the suns rays. To Matt's right was Joe. Joe had on some khaki pants and a white t-shirt. A LARGE bag of supplies was lying limply at his side. Fixing his glasses, he inspected the bags contents just in case he forgot something. On his right, Izzy was busy clacking away at the keys of his pineapple laptop. His red hair was tucked safely away under a blue baseball cap that matched the pants he was wearing. A red shirt hung loosely around his torso. Next to Izzy was Ken, who was peering over his shoulder and occasionally pointing out typing errors. Ken was actually wearing something OTHER than his school uniform for once. He had on a deep blue and black tie-dye tank top and some white pants. His dark, almost black navy hair was pulled back by a white headband. The rest of the gang included Davis, Kari, Cody, Yolei and TK, all of which were bedecked in their usual digital world attire. Sora and Mimi were not present as they were out shopping instead. Mimi was visiting from America for two weeks and had rented an apartment. The digimon were off playing somewhere. Where? NOBODY KNOWS!

All was peaceful until a scream broke the sweet silence. All of the digidestined's heads whipped around in time to see something fall out of the sky. The object got closer and closer as it fell more and more rapidly. "It's bird!" Yolei cried.

"It's a plane!" TK yelled.

"No," Davis said slowly. "It looks more like a drunk duck to me."

"How would you know what a drunk duck looks like?" Matt questioned. Davis just laughed demonically in reply. The rest of the digidestined began to move away from him. Everyone was so scared of Davis that they had forgotten about the object. That is until it crashed into Ken.

"OH MY GOSH! It killed Kenny!" Kari shrieked.

"Aren't you a little young to watch that show? It's nasty!" Joe exclaimed.

"The devil made me do it," Kari mumbled.

"The devil? He owes me ten bucks," Davis said after he finally stopped laughing.

"WAIT! I thought he was called Satan!" Tai declared.

"He is," Izzy opined.

"So who's the Devil?" Tai wondered.

"He is," Izzy answered.

"Well where does that leave Senor Diablo?"

"Very confused with a split personality syndrome demon king."

"Wait, so if he's all three then does that mean he has three brains? How do they fit in his head? What happens if he gets a lobotomy!"

"Go back to sleep Tai, just go back to sleep," Matt said and shook his head.

"But I don't wa…well okay. Zzzzzzz," Tai snored as he fell over.

"Err, excuse me," the object or rather person that fell out of the sky said.

"WHOA! You're a girl!" Davis observed.

"Way to go genius!" Izzy said sarcastically.

"It's raining young girls!" Davis screamed ignoring Izzy's comment. Running around in circles, Davis screamed until a thought occurred to him. "WAIT! Do you have friends? Where are they? Is there some sort of girl cloud around here?"

"Pardon, but could you get off," a weak voice murmured.

"Did you hear something?" Joe asked.

"Hey, I'm not dead yet. I'm just very badly crushed. My rib cage is caving in," Ken said as he waved one arm for attention.

"I read somewhere that dolphins rib cages are collapsible," Izzy stated.

"Really, well I…" Joe was cut off.

"HEY! DO I LOK LIKE A CHAIR!" Ken shouted.

"Depends, who are you asking?" TK replied. Ken shoved the girl off irritably. The girl just shrugged and stood up. "Who are you anyway?" TK eyed the girl. "Who Are We" started playing out of nowhere. 'Whooooo are we? Who? Who? Who? Who?'

"What would you do if I told you that I was an evil turkey, intent on gutting you all?" the girl asked.

"I would find an oven and declare that Thanksgiving came early this year," Matt answered without blinking.

"Oh. Well, if you must know I…"

"WHO ARE YOU REALLY?" Davis yelled.

"Well I am…"

"WHO!"

"I…"

"I can take the truth!"

"I…"

"You're an eye?"

"NO! I am a…"

"Now you're an A?"

"NO! LISTEN! Look at me! LOOK! Okay, good. I. AM. KNOWN. AS…"

"You're As? What kind of a name is that? Man, you must have cruel parents."

"WORK WITH ME HERE! My name is Crest!"

Cat: MWAHAHAHAHAHHAA the plot thickens!

Emu: What plot?

Cat: I'm getting to it. Hmmm I have decided to make this more insane in later chapters and I will make it filled with wonderful me.

Emu: Oh, good. Yay.

Cat: Shaddup!

Puppetmon: **Looks at next chapter outline** hehehe I can't believe that they have to…

Cat: DO NOT GIVE IT AWAY! Their puny minds can't handle it.

Emu: I don't want to know.

Top of Form


	2. The Plot

Emu: AH HA! You put things off as badly as I do!

Cat: I was…busy.

Emu: If you call sleeping like a rock busy.

Cat: Oh shut up. Now just hurry up and do what you're here for.

Emu: You mean eat the candy?

Cat: NO! Do the disclaimer.

Emu: Oh, right. My cat does not own anything.

Cat: LIES! I will rule the world! WHAHA!

Emu: Right…

The Quest For Freedom (a.k.a. Fuzzy Has a Plan)

Crest sighed raggedly. She was stuck in the digital world with a confused bunch of chosen children and one unconscious Cody. They had been trekking through the bizarre world for what seemed like days and she was just a little sick of hearing whines of, 'I'm hungry! Are we there yet? Why didn't we just leave Cody behind, he's heavy!', and so on. What were they doing and how did they get into this predicament? Crest fell into a deep reminiscence of the past events. They came back to her as though it happened yesterday… (Emu: But it happened 2 hours ago. Cat: SHUT UP! You're ruining the memories' reflective quality)

Memory sequence

Davis rubbed his aching head. This girl, odd though she may be, had a nice left hook! Clearing his throat, Davis asked sullenly, "Well, all you had to do was tell me your name. You didn't have to hit me!"

"Interesting," quipped Izzy.

"What's interesting?" questioned Mimi.

"Davis has been hit more times then I can count and he STILL hasn't gotten ANY sense knocked into him."

"I thought all that hitting only helped add to the brain damage," TK put in.

"Davis has a brain? Quick! Get a reporter! It's the story of the year!" Yolei gesticulated wildly to emphasize her point.

"Well at least I don't wear a stuuuupppiiiiddd helmet!"

"Excuse me? At least I don't wear dorky goggles! I mean are you trying to improve your horrid vision or do you just like the crazed bug look?"

"HEY!" Tai yelped waking from his slumber. "Those were MY goggles." You can imagine the brutal battle of tongues that would have ensued, had not something interrupted the quarreling.

Ken screamed as he was hit by another object. All stopped what they were saying to turn and inspect the new life-form. The frog stared back apathetically. It's bulging eyes blinked as it let out a bored, "Riiiiibbbbbiiiit."

"Hey, a frog!" Joe exclaimed.

"Thank you captain obvious. Anything else you'd like to point out for our mentally challenged viewers?" Sora rolled her eyes.

"Why yes! I would also like to report that it is a GREEN frog!"

"As opposed to?"

"It could have been a purple frog."

"Right, sure."

"At least I change my underwear!" Silence.

"Okay, so it's a frog. What's it doing here?" Crest wondered aloud.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" Davis countered suspiciously.

"Wondering if you ever shut up."

"I do SO shut up!"

"Yeah, when he's eating," TK snickered. Davis growled and lunged at TK. TK, unprepared for the assault, tumbled to the ground under Davis' weight. An interesting blue hue rushed to TK's face as Davis straggled him. Just when TK was sure to blackout, Davis was taken by surprise. The frog hopped onto Davis' head and burrowed into his hair. Davis irritably tried to dislodge the frog from his scalp.

"Get outta my hair, you slimy, disease infested…" Davis was cut off mid insult, as he suddenly went stiff as a board. Everyone present starred in amazement as Davis hit the dirt.

"Is he?" Mimi began horrified.

"I'm not sure," Izzy answered dumbly.

"Let' find out shall we?" Crest stepped towards Davis' unmoving body. Lowering her face to Davis' ear, Crest screamed, "CAN YOU HEAR ME IN THERE! HELLO? THIS IS YOUR CREW OF CONCERENED ASSOCIATES! ARE YOU DEAD?" Crest paused and then, "CAN I HAVE YOUR CD PLAYER?" Crest waited for a few seconds, shrugged her shoulders, and stood up. "Guess he's gone."

"This doesn't affect you?" squealed Mimi.

"Well, as long as I get his CD player, I'm okay."

"How are you be certain he's dead?" Joe questioned skeptically.

"I'm not."

"Oh."

Another pause, "I want his skateboard," Sora declared.

"I call his computer!" Izzy exclaimed.

"Any money is mine," Matt opined.

"Pillows!" Kari shouted.

"Movies," Cody hesitantly said.

"Paws off the soccer ball AND I want my goggles back!" Tai ferociously yelled.

"Any cool clothes," that was Mimi.

"I like his telephone," Joe avowed.

"I'll have what's left," Yolei nodded her head.

"If he happens to have a medic," Ken trailed off painfully. He was rubbing his bruised head. Frog attacks can be brutal.

"And I want revenge!" TK repaid Davis by throttling him. TK was laughing insanely, thoroughly enjoying himself when Davis sprang to life. TK flew backwards, landing in a heap.

"Davis?" ventured Kari.

"I am not the being known as Davis. I am Selptor, the frog. I have taken temporary control of this human to deliver to you all a message."

"WOW! It's also a MAGIC frog!" Joe was astounded.

"Quite. As I was saying, I have a message. The empress FluffyBuns has…(Cat: HOLD IT! I didn't put that in the script. Emu: Okay…) …I mean Baroness RussianPants…(Cat: I don't even WEAR pants! Emu: Well, you have to admit that if you look at your fuzzy back legs, they look like Russian pants. Cat: ENOUGH! Get it right!)…Ahem, Goddess FurrBall…(Cat: You WANT me to hurt you, don't you? Emu: Simply repaying you for eating MY donut. Cat: Why you…! Emu: Tut. Tut. If you want me to pet you, you'll have to be nice to me and say please. Cat: **Grumbles**…please? Emu: Okie Dokie.) …Ruler ShadowClaw, who has a big appetite and short temper, has told me to inform you that you are all at her mercy."

"What?" Tai asked. Mimi gasped.

"I said that Ruler Shadow…"

"No! I mean what does this ruler mean by us being at her mercy!"

"Oh, that. Well, our dear ruler has used her genius to close all of the digiports." Checking the closest portal, the Digidestined and Crest found what they had been told to be true. All ports were closed off.

"But why," Izzy cried as he vainly attempted to get around the ruler's firewall programming.

"Our ruler is very upset with the one known as Crest. Also, she has her heart set on world conquest and so, you heroes must be obliterated. However, should you pass the ruler's test, you may return home."

"A test? But it's a weekend!" Tai wailed.

"It not that type of test," Sora nudged Tai.

"Oh."

"The red haired one is correct," the frog agreed. "This is a test of your valor and intellect. You have one task, but it will not be simple. You must fetch for our ruler… **Dramatic Buildup**… the emerald scratching post!"

Mimi again gasped. Matt blinked, "the what?"

"The Emerald scratching post is legend. It lies beyond the weeping forest, behind the caves of lost spirits, past the sinking stream, and can be found in the hollows of the crystal castle, which sits deep within a land surrounded by volcanoes."

"Is that it?" Cody wondered.

"No! It is also guarded by an unspeakable terror. A monster so diabolical and fearsome that you would shriek as a small school girl at the sight of it." Mimi, Yolei, and Sora glared at Davis' possessed body. "Oh, um, no offense girls, no offense."

"Is THAT all?" TK inquired.

"Yep."

"Well, do we get a map or something?" Sora wanted to know.

"Oh come now! That's cheating! Besides, wouldn't you find it more entertaining to wander in no particular direction for hours, suffering immense horrors, until you find what you seek?"

"No."

"Oh, okay then," Davis' controlled body handed Tai a poorly drawn map. The frog unlatched itself from Davis' head and hopped into Cody's hands. The frog shook slightly and said in a mechanical voice, "this frog will self-destruct in 5…4…3…2…1…BOOM!" A giant explosion engulfed Cody, who fell limply to the ground. The others shrugged and began their quest.

End Memory Sequence

They had had to fill Davis in and collect their scattered digimon, as well as pick up the unconscious Cody. So now here they were, with no food, a really crummy map, and one unconscious kid. It didn't really help that Ken, who could barely walk, had nearly toppled on top of Crest ten times. Crest sighed irritably, this would be a LOOOOONG week.

At that same moment, deep within a dreary base, a devious grin graced the lips of an evil cat.

Emu: WIAT! Can cats even grin?

Puppetmon: Well, Sophie appears to. Besides, can cats talk?

Emu: Oh, oh yeah.

Cat: Puuuuuurrrfect. The plot shall unfold.

Emu: Didn't it already?

Cat: Well, they still have to actually FIND the scratching post. Plus, I have an interesting twist in mind.

Emu: Killer hairballs don't count, you know that right?

Cat: I wasn't referring to that!

Emu: Just checking. Oh, by the way, Crest is an esteemed author who writes digimon fics. She and the fuzz are fighting because…well, you'll find out.

Cat: That reminds me, thank you for the reviews. I promise not to beat most of you **Glares at Crest** when I take over the planet. I may even allow you two meals a day.

Puppetmon: You all should have enlisted sooner. You would have had three then.

Emu: You're all so generous.

Cat: I know. I know.


	3. Prozac Anyone?

Cat: Aw sweet revenge.

Emu: Oh here we go.

Cat: **Glares** Anyway, as I mentioned before, there is going to be a major twist by the end of this.

Puppetmon: Anyone who guesses what it is gets to make a short, emphasis on short, guest appearance. WHOO HOO! Aren't you excited? I am! YAY!

Cat: ENOUGH! On with the fic.

Emu: AAAAANNNNNDDDD ACTION!

**Who's got the Prozac?**

"Are we there yet?" Davis whined pathetically.

"No," Crest replied shortly. She now was burdened with carrying Cody piggy-back style, AND she had to support a near dead Ken.

"Are we there YET?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No," Crest was getting irritated.

"Now?"

"NO!"

"Yeesh, you don't have to shout ya know, " Davis huffed indignantly. Crest's eye began to twitch.

"Hey! I just thought of something!" Izzy suddenly declared.

"What?" Kari asked hopefully.

"WE SHOULD SING A SONG! Here, I'll start. This is the song that never ends. Yes it goes on and on my friends," Izzy continued to sing horribly off key. Much to Crest's horror, the rest of the Digidestined joined in. Her eye was becoming dangerously close to flying out of her head. (Emu: How come Crest doesn't just join in? Cat: She's supposed to suffer! And besides, any NORMAL person would be driven insane by such idiocy. Emu: Oh…THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS! LALALA! YES IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRRRIIIEEEENNNDSSS! Cat: I hate you.)

"Where are we supposed to go first again?" Crest shouted in a desperate attempt to deter anymore singing.

"Let me see," Izzy paused in his song to look over their poorly drawn map. "Unless I'm mistaken we're supposed to go to the weeping forest."

"Where's that?" Joe questioned as he pushed his glasses higher up on his nose.

"Looks like it's by a...fireball."

"What? That can't be right. Here, let me see," Matt snatched the map from Izzy. "Hmm, I'd say that it's next to a burning bush."

"Ohhhh like with Moses?" Kari smiled giddily. "Do we get to talk with God? Does he always use a burning bush? And why's the bush burning in the first place? GASP! Is God a pyromaniac!"

"No Kari, we are not talking with God because that is clearly not a burning bush but a pizza stain. Oh, and I always saw him as more of a thunder type of guy," Tai nodded as he gazed at the map from over Matt's shoulder.

"Tai, that's Zeus you're referring to," T.K. pointed out.

"Zeus? Is that a type of food?"

"Everything's a type of food with you isn't it?"

"Yep," Tai smiled proudly.

"Oy! Look people," Crest growled irritably, "does it really matter what that thing is? I mean, we're supposed to be in a forest right? Well has anyone bothered to notice, besides me, that we've been walking in one for the past HALF HOUR?" At this the digidestined stopped abruptly. Glancing at their surroundings, they discovered that they were, in fact, deep within a forest. Twisted willows curved up towards hidden sunlight on either side of them. The atmosphere radiated an oppressive sense of insular sadness. (Emu: YAY! My English teacher would be so proud. I used a vocab. word. Cat: Very good, you deserve a donut. Emu: Really? Cat: Yea, too bad I ate them all. Emu: . WHAT! Cat: I mean, Puppetmon ate them all. Puppetmon: Hey! Cat: Shut up, you're a minion. You're expandable. Puppetmon: **grumbles** No respect. None at all. Emu: **Sniffle** my donuts… Cat: Aw get over it you sissies! ANYWAY, carrying on…)

"Wow, how'd this get here?" Davis blinked in confusion.

"Well you see it all starts out with a seed that…" Izzy began what was sure to be another one of his long-winded explanations. However, by a twist of fate, or good fortune, he was cut off by a low shuddering noise.

"What's that do you suppose?" T.K. scratched the back of his head in thought.

"Sounds as though someone's weeping," Mimi replied.

"THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK!" Joe screeched. "It's REALLY just a bunch of man eating goats waiting to eat us all!"

"You watched that cheesy horror movie marathon again didn't you?" Izzy rolled his eyes.

"Maybe."

"Why do you keep watching such mind rotting programs?"

"At least I don't watch shows like "Lab Mouse: Love, Mutation, and Too Much Iodine"!"

"HEY! That's a GREAT show! It was so depressing when Martha relinquished her love for Mark, because another leg had sprouted from her head due to experimental antibiotics. She was such a magnanimous little mouse, thinking of how deformed her children would be instead of what she really wanted," as Izzy burst into tears about the injustices performed against lab mice, Davis drooled stupidly over the word 'magnanimous'.

Crest, no longer being able to feel her legs due to Cody's weight, choose that moment to address a more pressing matter. "Shouldn't we be following that crying sound and finding a way out of here?"

"Yea, I was going to suggest that," Tai piped up.

"Whatever," Crest grumbled. Thus, the band of digidestined ventured further into the belly of the forest. It was not long before they found themselves in the center of a small clearing. Here, the whimpering sobs were almost deafening. The digidestined plugged their ears as best they could and looked for the source of the ruckus. There, twisting above them, was a large willow. Giant drops of water splashed onto the ground, resonating wails accompanying them from a hole in the trunk.

"Is it just me, or is that tree crying?" Sora yelled over the uproar.

"Maybe it's some sort of digimon," Izzy shrieked back.

"Whatever it is, it's giving me a headache!" Crest, after dropping the limp Cody, screeched with her fists in her ears. Abruptly, the tree ceased it's sobbing. It's leaves rattled, and the trunk swayed back and forth. Almost appearing to shrink, the tree lowered itself towards the digidestined.

"What are such cheerful children doing here? Come to hear an old tree's sad tale?" the tree asked in a low voice, as though it were speaking to them through a thick pane of glass.

"Erm, not exactly, we kinda of need to get through this forest," Crest answered for the group.

"How nice, I wish I could leave. It's so lonesome here. No one ever visits, my roots are dry, and my little squirrel friend was eaten by an insane frigimon. The sun no longer shines here. If I could but walk away from this agony! Alas, I am but a tree," the tree sighed in inner turmoil.

"I'm sorry, but could you just point the way out. We really need to be going."

"You're leaving me? After all we've been through together?" the tree's trunk grew moist with tears.

"We've only known you for three minutes."

"BUT THAT WAS THE BEST THREE MINUTES WE EVER HAD TOGETHER! No, you shall not leave! I will keep you with me!" the tree bellowed. It's long gnarled branches shot out and curled around the digidestined's legs like rope.

"Man this thing needs some serious Prozac," Davis mumbled as he was immobilized.

"Hang on! How about we make a deal," Crest quickly offered. "See that limp kid over there? His name is Cody and when he wakes up I'm sure he'd love to be your new friend."

"Really?" The tree's branches slackened their hold.

"Sure. We'll give him to ya for free if you just help get us out of here," Crest nervously replied.

"Deal." And with that the tree released the other digidestined and grabbed its new friend. "You just keep going straight, take a left at the huge rock, and then you're out."

"Thanks," Tai waved to the tree as the rest of the digidestined, minus one unconscious Cody, trekked onward.

"Was it really wise to leave Cody there?" Kari wondered aloud.

"If you'd like to go back and get him, be my guest. Besides, now we get to split up all his cool junk!" And so, Cody was left with the mentally unstable tree as the other's journeyed on.

Meanwhile, ShadowClaw was lapping up a glass of milk, while she grinned evilly with rows of pointed teeth. The trap was almost set. "Puuuuuurrrrrfect!"

Emu: Hmmm, not one of my best chapters.

Cat: No kidding.

Emu: I'm not talking to you!

Puppetmon: Neither am I!

Cat: Oh would you two get over it?

Emu: Maybe we should leave YOU with the tree.

Cat: You're all so TOUCHY! **Storms off**


End file.

Digimon, Humor, Parody