1. Chapter 1

In A Funhouse Mirror Darkly

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By: bluetiger

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Rating: PG

Genres: satire

Keywords:

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Summary: Emperor Tucker's life is not a bed of roses.

Author's Note: Okay, this is my attempt at a humorous MU

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Charles Tucker the Third was having a crappy day, not that this was unusual. Ever since Trip and T'Pol had deposed Empress Sato, in a ridiculously easy coup, it had just been one hassle after another. The rapid changes in leadership had left the crew's heads spinning but nobody seemed to mind that Sato and Mayweather now resided in sickbay. The fact that their heads were in glass jars, T'Pol felt was a nice touch.

After the whole "mind control, force me to sabotage the ship, four hours in the agony booth" thing, Trip and T'Pol had come to an understanding. T'Pol would marry him, become his Empress, have his children, and Trip would not disintegrate her. All in all, T'Pol decided it was a good deal.

At the present time, Defiant was in orbit of Mularis IV. On the main screen was a purple skinned, rotund little bureaucrat spewing forth a fast pace load of gibberish.

"Fuller!" Tucker barked, "Get me a translation, I want to know what that idiot is saying."

Ensign Fuller sat at communications sweating profusely. She did not wish to tell her Captain/Emperor what the Mularian had to say.

"Fuller, if you can't do your job I'll get somebody up here that can," Tucker growled.

In a voice that quivered slightly, Fuller spoke, "Sir, he says they will not surrender or allow us to beam down, he spits in your breakfast of choice and you can kiss his round, little lavender ass."

Trip hung his head and heaved a sigh. Why did everything need to be so difficult?

"Tucker to Kelby, I need power diverted to forward phasers." When no answer was forth coming, Trip yelled, "Kelby!"

T'Pol calmly spoke, "Kelby was executed on my orders this morning. He was planning to assassinate you."

Trip rolled his eyes but said nothing to T'Pol. "Tucker to Hess."

"She was also executed."

"What?!?" Tucker swung around and looked at his mate. "What the hell did Anna do?"

"She was staring at your crotch during the entire morning briefing."

"T'Pol you can't kill everyone that crosses you, we'll run out of crewmen. That would be like executing steward Miller for leaving the salt off my breakfast tray this morning," Trip said with a laugh. Suddenly his smile faded, "T'Pol, you didn't?"

"Of course not…he is in the agony booth."

"T'Pol don't you think that's a little extreme?" Although after thinking about it for a moment, Trip had to admit; his grits and eggs sure could have used a little more salt. "Okay, but just for another hour."

Trip turned back to the main screen and the blathering little bureaucrat. "You have twenty-four Terran hours to surrender or be destroyed." He signaled Fuller to end transmission.

Captain Tucker stood and headed for his ready room with T'Pol following close on his heels.

"Why did you give the Mularians so long to surrender?" T'Pol asked her husband.

Turning Trip replied with hands on hips, "Because apparently I have to find a new chief engineer, a second for that engineer, and someone to serve me my dinner. Plus I'm tired, hungry, have a headache, and I need to pee."

"Actually, I was aware of that last part through the bond. Please go to the bathroom first," T'Pol said beginning to shift from one foot to the other.

******

After dinner that evening, His Supreme Highness, Grand Emperor of the Empire was sprawled naked across his bed reading a report on ships status. T'Pol approached him.

"I sense that you wish to engage in sexual activities tonight, would you like me to clothe myself as a French maid, Orion slave girl, or the Wonder Woman costume?

Tucker thought for a minute, "Surprise me."

Trip rolled over onto his stomach to finish the report. He looked up when he heard his mate re-enter. The smile left his face and the Emperor heaved a heavy sigh, T'Pol stood before him dressed as a Klingon woman complete with head ridges and gnarly teeth, carrying a cattle prod.

"You said to surprise you!"

"Yeah, well _that___wasn't what I had in mind." Trip dropped his face to the bed and muttered, "Why can't I ever catch a break?" He then let out a loud yelp as the cattle prod made contact with his behind.

******

When morning came, Trip and T'Pol took their places on the bridge and the Captain signaled Fuller to contact the planet. The same little Mularian appeared on screen, at least Trip thought it was, to his mind all the fat little grapes looked alike. Fortunately for Fuller, she had the UT programmed with their language now.

Trip spoke to him using his most menacing voice, "You will surrender to the Empire and we will take your dilithium mines for our use."

The round little bureaucrat sneered, "Your mother works in a house of ill repute and your father is a low level government official."

Trip was pissed off now, "Engineering, ready phasers," he couldn't remember at the moment who he had promoted to chief. Turning back to the main screen he told the Mularian, "This is your last chance."

"Dine on the excrement of farm animals and pass on to your last reward, we will not surrender to you swine-faced humans," He gleefully replied and proceeded to activate several switches.

The screen changed to a view of the planet and a criss-cross grid began to form around the surface.

Tucker looked over to T'Pol, "Is that what I think it is?"

"Yes, it is a Tholian Verizon Wireless Web. Nothing can penetrate it."

"Dammit, that company will merge with anybody for a profit. What can we do now?"

Suddenly the curly haired, blond ensign at tactical jumped to her feet, "Captain, my brother used to work for Verizon. I can disable the grid, increase power to the phasers and forward cannons, improve life support efficiency, and bake a mean pecan pie."

Before Tucker could say anything, T'Pol rose to her feet and fired her weapon. Trip gave his mate a questioning look.

"She was really annoying," T'Pol stated calmly.

Trip looked at the smoldering carcass of Ensign Mary Sue Freebush and shook his head, "Oh hell, let's just go to Risa and get drunk."

The End


	2. Chapter 2

In A Funhouse Mirror Darkly:

A Horror Beyond Imagining

By: bluetiger

Rating: R for language

Genres: Humor

Keywords: Mirror Universe

Summary: The further adventures of Emperor Tucker and his valiant crew.

Charles Tucker the Third surveyed his kingdom and it was good. His Supreme Highness, Grand Emperor of the Empire had a smokin' hot wife, state of the art ship, and a crew that feared him. Well, at least they feared the aforementioned, slightly homicidal, smokin' hot wife. Yeah, life was good alright.

The Defiant was just entering the Sera system. A distress call had been transmitted to the Empire from Seranto, the system's primary planet about twice the size of Earth. The inhabitants had promised every reward short of their collective first born for the Empire's assistance.

T'Pol spoke to her husband from her position at the science station, "Captain there seems to be a radiation cloud emanating from Seranto and extending far out into the system. We shall be enveloped by the cloud for approximately thirty-six hours before we make orbit."

"Is it harmful?"

"It is not Captain; it seems to be a mild theta-wave radiation."

"Then let's proceed and find out what's got Governor Halson's panties in such a wad."

Later, with his bridge duties completed, Captain Tucker rose to leave. He glanced at the tactical station and noticed Reyers had several family photos displayed on his station.

Noticing his Captain's glance Reyers smiled, "I thought it gave my station a homey touch, sir."

Trip frowned but couldn't think of any appropriate reply to such a stupid comment so he just left shaking his head. As he proceeded down the corridor, he caught sight of Crewman Gail Anderson and Ensign Mario Tyler heading down the adjoining corridor holding hands and with a bounce to their step.

'Are they skipping down the hall?' Trip thought to himself, feeling more than a little puzzled.

After a long day of ruling the Empire, Trip was looking forward to a relaxing evening with T'Pol. He stepped into his quarters and began peeling off his uniform, ready to tell his wife about the strange things he had witnessed. As his clothes hit the floor so did Trip's jaw.

T'Pol came swirling into the room with a tray full of cookies in her hands. She was dressed in a full skirted pink dress with a lace collar, strand of pearls around her neck, and black patent leather pumps on her feet.

Trip stared in horror, "What are you suppose to be?"

"According to the Defiant database this is the mode of dress for the perfect wife, I am attired as someone called 'June Cleaver'."

Trip looked at the outfit with utter disgust. "Well all I've got to say is if you expect me to get hard tonight, that outfit has got to go!"

T'Pol moved over to her husband, skirt swishing around her.

"Intercourse?" She shook her head, "No, no, no…in fact I have made arrangements for maintenance to install twin beds in our quarters as soon as possible. Have a cookie, I made them myself."

Trip's shoulders slumped and he sighed, "Great. What higher power have I pissed off now?"

The next morning Emperor Tucker was eager to escape his quarters. He didn't know what was wrong with T'Pol; all she seemed to want to do was bake cookies. He was seriously beginning to miss the bad-ass woman he had married.

Trip decided to go to sickbay and have a talk with Phlox about the crew and their strange behavior. He was expecting to find the doctor experimenting on some poor creature, as was his usual habit. Instead he found Phlox sitting at his desk playing solitaire. After explaining the situation to the doctor, Trip waited for a response. What he got scared the hell out of him. Phlox patted his shoulder, gave him a huge smile, told him everything would be fine, and handed him a lollipop.

When Trip reached the bridge he was totally rattled. T'Pol was already there and thankfully she was in her uniform. He walked around observing the bridge crew in amazement. T'Pol was arranging a vase of flowers, Ensign Fuller at communications was apparently writing a poem, 'Ode to the Universal Translator', and Helmsman Smith was coloring a picture of a dog. They were in orbit of Seranto now and Tucker wanted to speak to Governor Halson to see what information he might have on the craziness going on aboard Defiant.

Trip strode over and sat in the captain's chair. Hearing a crunching noise, he heaved a sigh and stood, wiped the crumbs off his butt and brushed the remaining mess out of the chair with his hand. The Emperor walked over to the science station, glaring at his wife.

"No more cookies!" he growled, pointing a finger at T'Pol.

"Yes Captain," she replied sticking her bottom lip out as far as it would go.

"Fuller, patch a call through to Governor Halson," Trip ordered as he retook his, now cookie-free, seat.

"Sure thing Captain but first, can you think of a rhyme for 'translation matrix?" Fuller was frowning over her epic poem.

Trip knew that much more of this and he would strangle someone, or blow his own brains out. "Fuller, get me the Governor … now!"

The face of Halson appeared on screen and the man smiled with relief at seeing the captain of Defiant, "Emperor Tucker, thank you for coming."

"I don't know what your emergency is, but would it have anything to do with why some of my crew have suddenly gone loopy?"

Governor Halson's eye started to twitch, "Yes Sir, It does. You see, Your Highness, we have an indigenous animal with no natural predators*. Over many generations they have over-run every continent and as their excrement decomposes it releases theta radiation. The radiation is of such a concentration that it has caused our citizens to go…as you say 'loopy'."

Tucker growled at the highly nervous government official, "What the hell are you talking about?"

Halson gestured and the view pulled back. Trip could see multi colored pellets all over the palace floor. It looked as if a truck load of fruit cereal had been dumped there. Upon closer inspection though, Tucker could see a soft, multi-color glow rising from the pellets.

"What kind of animal…?" Then the Emperor saw the culprits, there were rabbits all over the place and what was even more amazing, the rabbits were all pastel-colored, pink, blue, lavender, and yellow.

"Oh my God! Are those what I think they are?"

"Yes Sir," Halson replied hanging his head.

"But I thought they were just a galactic legend."

Halson looked incredibly sad, "No Sir, B.T.S.R.'s do exist."

"Seranto is the home of 'Bunnies That Shit Rainbows'," Trip said in awe.

"Unfortunately yes Your Majesty, as their poop decomposes it gives off a theta radiation that makes ninety-nine percent of our population just so perky you want to puke. It's terrible, Sir. The small portion of the population not affected lives in misery. You have no idea how horrible it is to live in a universe of no war or even an occasional fistfight. Everyone is just so damned happy all the time. It's sickening." Halson waved his arms around, "Please Your Highness, help us, we'll give you anything, jewels, dilithium…I have a very beautiful daughter…although all she does is bake cookies."

Trip could empathize with the frantic official, "Well that explains a hell of a lot. If the legends are true this must be a god-awful place to live."

The crazed little man began wringing his hands, "If one more person tells me to have a nice day or offers me hot chocolate, I'm going to hang myself from one of the five hundred 'Welcome to Seranto' banners around the capital."

Tucker shook his head, "I always thought this was an imaginary place that people write bad stories about."

"Oh how I wish it were, Sire."

Aboard Defiant T'Pol stepped up to Trip in the command chair handing him a PADD. "What's this?"

"I need your signature on this work order so maintenance can begin installing our twin beds," she stated calmly.

Tucker leaped to his feet, "Halson is the effect of the radiation permanent?"

The sad little man began to cry softly, "We don't know, they won't build any ships. Nobody wants to leave!"

Trip looked at his wife who was now dusting the main view screen with a _Swiffer_.

In a near panic, Tucker yelled, "Helmsman, reverse course, get us out of here and go to Warp six when we clear the system."

"But Sir, the B.T.S.R.'s are so cute," Smith said gesturing to the screen and giving Trip a goofy smile.

The Emperor shoved Smith to the floor, sat down at the helm and began to pilot Defiant away from Seranto.

Halson started to beg, "Don't leave me your Highness, Please."

Trip gave him a last look, "Sorry man, but I've got my own problems."

Trip hardly left the bridge for the next two days. He wasn't sure that he trusted the crew not to turn back to Seranto.

Finally, he decided it was safe to make a quick run to the messhall for coffee and a piece of pie. He really needed to get off the bridge for a few minutes.

The Emperor hurried to his destination not wanting to be away from the bridge for too long. As the doors slid open, Trip glanced around the room. There were two occupants. T'Pol appeared to be deep in conversation with Lieutenant Amy Turner. Trip caught the words 'roses' and 'puppies'. He cringed, would this hell never end? Trip turned his back and headed toward the beverage dispenser.

T'Pol's spine suddenly snapped straight and, without warning, she pulled her weapon and blasted Turner to bits.

"T'Pol!" Trip shouted, rushing to his wife who was standing over the rather nasty pile of blood and guts on the messhall floor. He grabbed his wife and quickly turned her around to face him.

"She was looking at your behind," T'Pol growled.

Throwing his arms around her, he swung T'Pol in a circle.

"Thank God," Trip smiled with relief. "Things are finally back to normal!"

The End

*B.T.S.R.'s originally had one natural predator, the Firefox. However, it turned out that after eating three B.T.S.R.'s in a twenty-four hour period the Firefoxes became so happy they no longer wanted to eat and quickly died out.


End file.
