Harry Potter 1. Chapter 1: Introductions

_Disclaimer: Do you really think that Harry Potter belongs to me? If so, I suggest that you take another look at the books. I could swear that yesterday the cover said 'J.K. Rowling' on it. _

_Plot: Mary Sue Malgramer, an American exchange student, has come to Hogwarts. Hermione is infuriated, even though Harry and Ron have been treated with anti-veela potion. So, if MSM is not stealing her friends' affection, why is Hermione so irked? Warning: MSM is taking upon herself the grammar mistakes of fandom. _

Author's Request: Please do not take offense if I happen to mock bad grammar or phrasing that you use (or your nationality). I confess that I, too, do not have perfect grammar and have made several typos in my fanfiction, but I honestly try to proofread my works.

AN: Reposting this because I stupidly made two or three typos. Oh well!I'm human, too: )

Chapter 1: Introductions

Mary Sue Malgramer strolled confidently onto Hogwart's Express. Although she was starting her sixth year, she had been at seventeen other schools of magic during her first five years. However, she was used to the world admiring her and expected nothing less during her time at Hogwarts. Having heard of the blonde ferret, the legendary Harry Potter, and the handsome redhead, Ron Weasley, she hoped that this school would be the place where she could remain for the rest of her schooling. Unfortunately, she knew it would not be true. Such was the life of Mary Sue.

She flipped her short, honey blonde hair and winked at a cute guy as she passed him. He gave her a silly grin and whistled at her as she passed. "He's cute, but I need more of a man. The sooner I meet Harry Potter, the better," she muttered under her breath.

The next person that Mary met just so happened to be Luna Lovegood. She smiled condescendingly at the girl, who was buried in the latest copy of _The Quibbler_.

"Hello, my name's Mary Sue Malgramer. Know where Harry Potter's compartment is?"

"I'm Luna Lovegood," the girl replied with a dreamy expression on her face. "Who doesn't know Harry Potter's compartment is? You may find him in number 23 A." Mary Sue smiled at her, excited, and strutted off to find number 23 A.

As soon as Mary Sue had left, Luna Lovegood's eyes narrowed. "Oh, no," she murmured. "One of them has come to Hogwarts! I must save Harry and Ron, so that Hermione and Ginny will not be heartbroken!" Unknown to the four, she herself had started writing for the Quibbler and had a column in which she plotted ways to get the two couples together. Thankfully, she had seen them enter compartment number 44 C, and had known from age two how to recognize a half-veela Mary Sue. She immediately jumped up from her bench and ran to their compartment, panicked.

"Hermione, I really need to talk to you," she pleaded. "It's really important." Hermione, noting the frantic look in her eyes, decided that she might as well listen to her. After all, she had been helpful in getting the article about Voldemort's return in _The Quibbler_.

"What is it?" she asked. Luna searched for the correct words rapidly; Hermione did not believe in Mary Sues, but she did know that veelas existed.

"It's a half-veela! We need to save your friends. Do you know the correct charm?" she asked. Hermione nodded and looked at Ron and Harry in alarm.

"Ron, Harry, you both know that veelas can be dangerous. Do you mind if I put the protection spell on you?"

"Please do," Harry responded gratefully. "Luna, thanks for the warning." Luna blushed and lowered her gaze.

"You're welcome. You have only a little time; I gave her the wrong compartment number, but I'm sure she will have found it by now," she responded nervously.

"You're right. We have no time to lose," Hermione agreed. She pulled out her wand and flicked it at Ron.

"_Patronum Velam Mariae,_" she said. Immediately Ron felt a sense of protection and strength that he had never felt before.

"Thanks, Hermione."

"You're welcome." She then did the same thing for Harry, who also gained a sense of security.

"You're my best mate, Hermione!" he said. "Hey, Ron, where's your sister?"

"Ginny? Er, she's busy breaking up with Dean. I overheard her telling Lavendar and Hermione about it." Harry smiled before gazing out the window. The train was about to start.

"She'll come here after she is done," Hermione assured him, and none too soon. For, only seconds later, a tall, willowy blonde had entered their compartment.

"Hi, I'm Mary Sue Malgramer," she said with a sad smile. "Is there any room?" She glanced around, surprised to see Luna.

"Oh, it's, like, you! I, like, didn't, like aspect to see you!" she gushed. "Oh, and you must be, like, Harry Potter! I, like, totally would like, recognize you anywhere! You have, like, such a hot scar that it, like, gives me the chills. I defiantly am like, so happy to finally meet you!"

"Huh?" he said disinterestedly. "Oh, hi."

"Why are you so defiant?" Hermione asked curiously. "Also, why on earth would something that is hot give you the chills? Are you sick?"

"I totally said defiantly! As in, like, these shoes that were like so defiantly on sale." She pushed her manicured left foot in open-toed stilettos out from under her robes, obviously expecting Ron and Harry to start drooling.

"Don't you mean 'definitely?'" Hermione asked, starting to be irritated by her low I.Q. and improper grammar.

"I defiantly do not!" she responded indignantly. Ginny waltzed in behind her just in time to hear her remark.

"Hi Hermione, Ron, Luna and Harry," she greeted them cheerfully. She glanced curiously at the newcomer, and noted with disappointed surprise that she was beautiful. In fact, she looked just as Ginny wished that she herself looked- minus the blank expression on her face, of course. "Who are you?" she asked. "Oh, and don't you mean 'definitely?'"

"I am, like, Mary Sue Malgramer." Ginny raised her eyebrows.

"I believe you are," she said amusedly. She had been friends with Hermione long enough to know that 'mal' meant 'bad,' and that this blonde could not speak correctly.

"What's that asposed to mean?" Mary Sue demanded. She stomped her foot, slipped purposefully, and managed to twist her ankle. After all, what was the use of wearing stiletto heels if not to become a damsel in distress? She gasped in pain and gripped her ankle.

"Ron, Harry! Please help me," she moaned. "I'm, like, totally in pain." She was worried; the aforementioned gentlemen were not falling for her veela charms. "I could, like, heal it myself, but I left my wand in my bag, and I hurt, like, so badly," she sobbed as she reached for Harry's hand. He pulled it away and grabbed his wand.

"Erm, _Accio Mary Sue's wand!_" he said. Immediately, a pink and purple wand, decorated with silver, flew into his hand. "Here you go."

"Oh, your like my hero!" she beamed at him.

"It sounds like you used the wrong word," Hermione commented. "Also, please clarify whether Harry is 'like' your hero in some way, or he actually is your hero." This half-veela's unintelligent babbling was driving her to the loony bin- and not Luna Lovegood's trunk. She marveled that she could find anything more irritating than the _Quibbler_'s incorrect, preposterous stories. Of course, Mary Sue Malgramer glared at her.

"Why don't you heal your ankle?" Ginny asked sweetly. "Harry and Ron still have to change into their robes, you see, and you have been sprawled out on the floor for five minutes." Mary Sue's sad, violet eyes now smoldered in Ginny's direction.

"If looks could kill," Ginny muttered below her breath. "Well, what are you waiting for?"

"I, like, forgot the spell! I had to, like, use it yesterday for this, like, little girl on the street, but I, like, can't remember it for the life of me!" Hermione sighed. She was becoming more and more irritated each second, and figured that healing the half-veela exchange student would help them get rid of her.

"_Sanesco Talum Negrum!_" Mary Sue tried to smile when she found her ankle healed. She pulled up her robe to look at it and found an ugly red scar on her ankle.

"Oh, no, it scarred," she worried.

"Hey, could you fetch me a chocolate frog?" Ron asked, speaking up for the first time. "I'm exhausted." He, too, was irritated with the ditz. Fleur, the veela that his brother Bill had fallen for, was not bad as far as girls go, but he found this one annoying.

"Oh, sure!" she chirped. "Just give me some money." He tossed her his last galleon. She caught it deftly, smiled sadly, and strutted out of the compartment.

"A Mary Sue in Hogwarts," Luna murmured. "This does not bode well!"

"I _defiantly _think that we need to see what is going on here," Ginny agreed with a snicker before turning serious. "This exchange student does not belong in Hogwarts! Hopefully the other girls will be irritated as well, at least when their boyfriends are drooling over her. No offense, Ron and Harry," she added.

"That was your last galleon, wasn't it?" Harry accused Ron.

"Yeah."

"Thanks, mate," Harry told him. "I literally owe you one." He tossed Ron a chocolate frog. Hermione intercepted the catch.

"Look at you, worrying about galleons and food. We have to get out of here before she comes back!" She magically packed up their things. Then, they levitated their trunks and hurried to find another compartment. Ironically, they now found themselves in 23 A with Lavendar Brown, Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas, and Parvati Patil.

"Do you mind if we join you?" Hermione asked. "We're hiding from a crazy half-veela with horrible grammar." Dean looked extremely excited at that announcement.

"A half-veela?" he asked eagerly. "Where is she?" Hermione, Harry, and Ron were still blocking the door.

"Oh, great," Ginny muttered under her breath. _While I don't actually care for him, it's sad that he doesn't really care either, _she thought.

"Oh, come on, Dean. Do you really want to be drooling like an idiot?" Parvati asked crossly.

"Why shouldn't I? It's not like I have a girlfriend, since this ungrateful redhead broke up with me!" Ron, Harry, and Ginny immediately jumped forward.

"Watch what you say about my sister," Ron snarled. Hermione grabbed his shoulder in an attempt to restrain him.

"You stupid prat! I can protect myself," Ginny protested. "Males," she muttered, rolling her eyes.

"Yes, they are being annoying," Lavendar sighed.

"Hey," Seamus protested. Ginny glanced around and noticed Harry giving Dean a death glare.

"Harry. I. Am. Not. Your. Sister," she told him, scowling. "So leave the dork alone. I broke up with him, not vice versa." Harry scowled back but did as she said.

"I don't need _your _protection," Dean retorted glumly. Ginny walked over and slapped him.

"Fine, I won't bother next time," she told him. "So, Lavender, how was your summer?" she asked sweetly.

"Oh, wonderful! I got to go to the biggest mall in America, and there's a new dress shop in Diagon Alley. I'll have to take you there." She and Parvati then proceeded to recite all the beauty tips they had learned that week, insisting that they would tell them the rest later. _Lovely, _Ginny thought. _That's just what I need._ Of course, she was being sarcastic.

"Well, now that that's taken care of, is there room for us to stay here?" Hermione asked.

"Of course!" Lavendar said. "Thanks for the warning."

"Does Loony Lovegood have to stay here?" Dean complained.

"Shut up," Parvati scolded him. He grumbled to himself before glaring at Ginny, who ignored him.

"Is there any, er, protection?" Seamus asked nervously. "I barely avoided blackmail from Fleur's visit a few years ago, and--"

"Sure," Hermione responded briskly before putting the charm on him.

"Er, thanks, I think," he muttered.

"Well, I'm leaving," Dean announced, scurrying out the door in a huff. "I can't breathe with an insane redhead and little Loony Lovegood here." Luna, who was staring out the window with her normal, dreamy expression on her face, paid no attention to him.

"Good riddance," Ginny muttered.

"Hey, Harry, do you have any chocolate frogs?" Parvati asked. He nodded and tossed her one. "Thanks!" They heard stiletto heels coming down the hallway.

"Quick! Lock the door!" Lavendar hissed. Hermione proceeded to lock the door and put several anti-lock charms. Outside, they heard Mary Sue Malgramer talking to herself.

"Like, where are they! I, like, defiantly thought they were in, like, 44D. I am, like, so going to have to like, get a new pedicure! These shoes are, like, giving me blisters!" The fugitives muffled their giggling with a silencing charm. After all, there was no telling what the tragic Mary Sue would do.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

_So, what do you think? I know the Mary Sue thing is overdone, but I needed an American because unfortunately many in my country cannot speak English properly, much less a foreign language. I do love the United States, though. See the American Revolution for details, especially information about George Washington. Oh, and the whole religious freedom thing is a big plus._

_Well, I still can't believe I made so many typos... bad Auramistealia!_

_Click the pretty blue button! Please? – My thanks in advance! _

_Auramistealia_


	2. Chapter 2: Settling In

_Disclaimer: Sorry, Harry and co. You're still stuck with Jo. _

_Reviewers: _

_roguehobbit: hey, don't worry about that. I, er, make grammar mistakes myself (and typos). When I first uploaded the fic, I had several. Oops… :-) _

Jessesgirl11: You know what? I'm hungry, too, but strangely I don't want chocolate. Maybe later. :-)

Kuroi Neko 13: Thanks! I **defiantly** enjoyed writing it—mainly because I wished to defy the bad grammar that swarms both my school and Of course, I'm not perfect myself - I had two typos when I first uploaded the story! Oops…:-)

_Pussin Boots: Thanks! Sorry the update took so long:-) Please don't hurt me..._

_Tiger Lily21: Thanks! I meant for it to be original; I only used a Sue because I needed an idiotic American (I figured I should make fun of my own culture) exchange students, and a reason for people to dislike her… tee hee. :-)  
_

_**Chapter 2  
Settling In**_

Mary Sue Malgramer was getting blisters from her new stilettos. She had looked in almost every single apartment for Harry Potter until the pain in her feet forced her to cease.  
"I've got to find a place to sit down," she moaned. "Ah, such is my lot- and in five minutes we'll be at Hogwarts!" She continued on with her eyes closed; she was exhausted. However, because she was not paying attention, she suddenly crashed into Malfoy, who immediately started drooling. Of course, this did not matter too much because Mary Sue was drooling as well.  
"Oh! Sorry, clumsy me," she giggled. "These shoes are like, soo painful!" She smiled up at the handsome, weasel-like blonde that strongly resembled Tom Felton, whom many in her country were obsessed with.  
"Oh, no problem." He smirked at her. "So, are you a pureblood?" Mary Sue nodded and was about to elaborate when several girls approached her.  
"So, you're the Mary Sue?" a young fourth year asked her. "I thought you'd look… prettier," she added. Mary Sue responded with a glare.  
"Your just jealous!"  
"Hmm, did you just use y-o-u-r instead of y-o-u'-r-e?" a fifth year girl asked curiously.  
"How can you tell?" she asked, amazed. "What's the difference, anyway, unless your a freak who can't do nothing else?"  
"First of all, you just made the mistake again," the fifth year responded. "Secondly, you are right in the assumption that I can do whatever I wish, within limits, and that I prefer to multi-task." Mary Sue stomped her foot.  
"Well, Susie or whatever your name is, I have places I'm going to. So bye!" She turned around and stomped away, gracefully turning her ankle twice due to her ridiculous heels.  
"A preposition at the end of the sentence, double negatives, and inability to distinguish a verb from an adjective: what is the world coming to?" the girl groaned. "Oh, Mary Sue! My name is Lorelei Adams, so your psychic powers are obviously amiss. Instead, you are psychotic," she added, knowing that the Malgramer was not paying attention.  
"I hope she's not in Ravenclaw or Gryffindor," Lorelei muttered before returning to her compartment. "Darn, I never _did _get a chocolate frog!"

_zzzzz_

While Hermione attempted to revise her potions essay for the fiftieth time, Parvati and Lavender threatened to give her, Luna and Ginny pedicures, Ron and Harry played exploding snaps, and Seamus was in a corner reading a quidditch magazine. After a particularly bad ink blot, Hermione finally lost her temper.  
"Can't a person have some peace and quiet to finish her potions essay!" she shouted. Everyone in the crowded compartment stared at her save Seamus, who was still buried in his magazine. Lavender and Parvati still sat primly on their seats, but their mouths were agape from shock at her outburst.  
"I thought you'd finished it a week after school ended last year," Ron protested. "Honestly, Hermione, you're a bloody pre-per-perfectionist," he finished triumphantly.  
"There is always room for revision," she replied stiffly. "Now, can you all please be wuieter?" Harry motioned to Ron that it would be wise to let it go; Ron shrugged in response. Luna, who was napping, let out a quiet snore.  
"You started your homework that early?" Lavender gasped. "I waited until the last few weeks! Why, you don't know how hard it was to fit in _Bewitching's _makeover conference. Of course, they had-"  
"Can you tell us later?" Ginny interrupted, seeing that Hermione was about to explode again.  
"Sure," Parvati beamed. "Oh, Ginny, they had the perfect products for you. I just couldn't help- are you all right?" she worried. Ginny's face blanched to pure white, so that her freckles looked like they had been dotted onto her face with a Sharpie marker.  
"Um," she croaked. "I think so." Hermione, Ron, Harry, and Lavender also cast worried glances upon her. "Really, I'll be fine," she insisted hoarsely; makeup still frightened her.  
"Here, will this make you feel better?" Harry asked, offering her a chocolate frog. Her countenance brightened immediately, although she was still rather wan.  
"Thanks, you're my new best friend!" she said before she tore its packaging open and chomped into the poor chocolate frog.  
"Until someone else gives you chocolate," Ron muttered. She glared at him.  
"Shut up," she replied. Hermione had started recopying her essay carefully; she knew that Professor Snape could not stand blots on essays. She wished that she could simply bring a Muggle computer and type all of her papers, although she admired the beauty of a carefully written essay on parchment.  
Parvati and Lavender had just started to discuss Lavender's manicure when the train suddenly stopped. Everyone went flying. Hermione and Ginny barely managed to stay on their seats. Luna, who had been napping, fell to the floor and woke up. Harry and Ron had already been on the floor, but Lavender crashed into Parvati, therefore pushing her onto Seamus's lap. Blushing, Parvati stood up and stepped away from him as if he had the plague, but another bump from the train sent her sprawling onto the floor. Ginny, however, considered Parvati to be lucky; she had lost her balance and landed on Harry and Ron.  
"Gerroff," Ron protested. "How much do you weight!" Ginny glared at him as she got up. However, she was kept from responding by Hermione's outburst.  
"My essay! It's RUINED!" she wailed. Indeed, the ink had been smudged so much that it was illegible, although most of it had found a new destination: her robe. Luna, however, had the last word.  
"I felt vibrations," she said dreamily. "I wonder if it was a gigglikink."

_zzzzzzzzzzzzzz_

The students waited impatiently in the halls for the first years to be sorted; after the long train ride, they were looking forward to the feast. One by one the first years found their fate until the very last was sorted; then, to most students' surprise, a new 6th year (Malgramer, Mary Sue) stepped up to the Sorting Hat's stool.  
She donned the hideous looking hat carefully and with mild disdain. _Couldn't they find a nicer hat to use- perhaps an adorable, baby blue top hat?_  
**_I heard that,_** the Sorting Hat said in her mind. **_Now, shut up before I refuse to sort you and you are sent back to wherever you came from. _**Mary Sue rolled her eyes but complied nervously. _**Now, let's see. You're not much in the line of bravery, so Gryffindor is out of the question.  
**"But-" _Mary Sue mentally protested. The sorting hat ignored her.  
**_Hmm. You've obviously been a star student in the past- public schools these days… never mind that, but you don't like to read very much. Ravenclaw is out of the question. How about Hufflepuff?_ **She gasped in horror. **_I'll take that as a 'no.' Well, you've got a bit of cunning, so you'll do well in…_  
**"Slytherin!" the hat shouted to the crowd. The Slytherins cheered, as did Hermione, Harry, Ginny, Ron, Lavender, and Parvati. They did _not _want her in Gryffindor. Luna was also smiling and strangely alert; she too was thankful that the Malgramer was not in her house, but wished that she would leave Hogwarts as soon as possible.  
"Well, at least this is something to write about in the _Quibbler,_" she murmured to herself. "Two columns! Whoever would have thought I would be so lucky?" Again she drifted off, already planning her first article.

_zzzzzzzz_

The Malgramer had already found many admirers among all four houses, and some of the girls followed her around, hoping to pick up some of her charm. She was pleased, happy to be accepted, but wished for a bit more romance than the slobberers. Even Ferret-boy- I mean, Malfoy- was little more than a drooling idiot in her presence, although a somewhat cute one.  
"At least I'm not in Hufflepuff," she consoled herself as she sat on a bench outside of Hogwarts.  
"Hey," a Hufflepuff girl protested. Mary Sue Malgramer jumped, startled. She had not meant to say that out loud.  
"I didn't mean no offense," Mary Sue tried to soothe her. However, her word choice had made the situation even worse.  
"Of course you meant it," the Hufflepuff sobbed into her robes; her emotions were very volatile.  
"But I just said I didn't," she protested. At that moment, Ginny, Hermione, and Lorelei walked past.  
"Ugh, double negative!" Lorelei said, wrinkling her nose.  
"You're a disgrace to the English language," Hermione added. "Honestly, you can't even speak your native language!"  
"I speak American," she protested. Ginny laughed.  
"I talked to a girl from America on Hermione's computer once, and even they don't use double negatives! Well, unless they're being silly or stupid," she amended. The Malgramer gasped.  
"How- how could you?" she raged, pushing herself away from them. "Come on," she told her admirers as she marched past them in her sparkly high heels toward the entrance to Hogwarts. "Ugh, these pinch my feet!"  
"Here we go again," Ginny smirked after the Malgramer and Sue-ish Court had left their presence.  
"Oh, don't remind me," Hermione sniffed. "I just hope that people don't decide to imitate her manner of speaking." Just then, they caught sight of Mrs. McGonagall dragging a first year by the ear.  
"But I didn't do nothing!" he protested. Hermione looked like she was about to explode.  
"Too late," Lorelei murmured.

_So, what did you think? Hopefully it was worth the wait. I'm not quite happy with this chapter, but oh well.  
I don't write for reviews, but they're nice to get, I must confess. So, please review if you have something constructive or nice to say, or a comment. If you just want to flame me, well, you should work at Burger King and take your anger off on the meat there instead, OK?  
-AuRaMiStEaLiA-  
I really should get more sleep… Grr! Forgot to practice my oboe! I hope my oboe teacher doesn't kill me –whimpers-  
I probably won't update again until this weekend at the earliest; I have a BIIIG AP test on Thursday, and another on Monday. Woo-hoo! Exhaustion!  
-ThE tYpO wRiTeR-_

_zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz_


	3. Chapter 3: Making Her Marks

_**Disclaimer: **Unfortunately, I only own the O.C.'s and my story. J.K. Rowling is kind enough to lend me the setting & some characters, though. _

Reviewers:

Tiger Lily21: Thanks bunches! Yep, online lingo abounds in my (now former) high school, and I'm another American who is appalled by people's grammar. Can you believe that in the new textbook the English teachers are forced to use, they define a noun as "a word that can be made plural by adding s." Like MICE? I'm appalled, since the current definition (a person, place, thing, or idea) covers every single noun and is rather simple. (Oops… sorry about the rant).

StrayCat1: Thanks a lot! You know, the oddest thing is that I actually don't have a best friend, yet I hear the line all the time- and usually directed toward someone with chocolate, water, or a tuner (band class).

_Roguehobbit: I didn't mean to give you chocolate cravings! Yeah, free chocolate is nice. There's a guy at my (former) school that carried around multiple bags of candy, and gave it out to people! _

ZIPPIYGIRL: Thanks! Glad you like it, sorry for the delay.

SilverPhoenix2: Yes, indeed, she is a true Malgramer and all that is evil- well, the last part is a bit exaggerated. As you guessed, her bad grammar is supposed to be annoying- especially to Hermione Granger, Minerva McGonagall, and Severus Snape. Wheee!

1 more note: the formatting is funny, I know. Bad formatting, annoying Excuse the grammar; I guess MSM is getting to me, too. ;-)

Chapter 3: Making her Marks

Professor Snape stared down his potions class; although he appreciated some of his Slytherin students, he was not happy to see Potter, Granger, and Weasley in his class. Then he saw his newest Slytherin, Ms. Malgramer, and found himself disliking her. She was staring at him with a smug expression on her face, as if she thought she could charm him just by existing.  
"Stupid veelas," he muttered under his breath. "They think they can charm the world by merely existing." Snape reached for a piece of chalk and started writing the ingredients for Stottering Potion on the board; he hated using his wand when he didn't have to. Then, twelve seconds before class began, he took the roll call. Malfoy and Ms. Malgramer walked in twenty seconds later.  
"You're late," Snape said crisply. "Malfoy, I am ashamed of you for being late because of… this." Draco looked up at him with surprise; usually Snape was more benevolent with him. "Ms. Malgramer, you must always be on time in this class. You must report to me for detention for a week." Gasps of horror filled the room.  
"That's not fair!" Mary Sue protested. "I'm late for a ligament reason!" Hermione burst into uncontrollable laughter.  
"Ms. Granger," Snape said, "Stop that unseemly display, and inform us of the reason for this." She could not stop, so she tried to explain between spasms of laughter.  
"Ligament reason," she wheezed. "I (giggle) suppose she (giggle, wheeze) displaced her shoulder (giggle) by walking (giggle) down the hallway (snort)." Snape's eyebrows rose slightly, and the corners of his mouth curled up in what could have been a grimace or amusement. The Gryffindors watched nervously to see what would happen.  
"Compose yourself, Ms. Granger, or I will have to make you a potion. Now, Ms. Malgramer, did you indeed displace your shoulder?" Mary Sue looked up at him scornfully.  
"No, indeed! As if _I _could injure my shoulder so easily! Why-"  
"That is enough," he replied. "Now, do you have a _legitimate _reason for being late? You have already taken up a minute of my time, so hurry."  
"Of course I have a ligament reason!" she replied coolly. "I got lost in spite of my excellent sense of direction, and Draco was just-" Although Hermione was no longer giggling out loud, spasms of laughter still shook her body.  
"That will be enough," Snape replied crisply. "Two weeks of detention, and twenty points off of Slytherin- the days when you have to take points off your own house," he muttered. "Now, who can tell me what a Stottering Potion does?" he asked. Hermione and Mary Sue raised their hands.  
"Ms. Granger?" he asked. The class gasped again. He ignored them.  
"The stottering potion is similar to the stuttering charm except that not only does the person who ingests it stutter, but the person also wobbles as he or she walks and cannot express an accurate thought," she replied.  
"Very good, Ms. Granger," he replied. "Now, moving on, please get out your cauldrons and mix up the ingredients. Please excuse me for a moment," he added.  
"Y-es, sir," the class chorused nervously. He ignored them and walked over to his desk to write a short missive to Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Minerva McGonagall was in the middle of teaching first years how to transfigure needles when a letter popped onto her desk.  
"Stupid i-mail," she muttered. Instantaneous mail, which did not require owls and arrived very quickly, had been introduced several years ago and was about to be made open to the students at Hogwarts, as well as places outside of the castle, but Professor McGonagall had rarely used it. "Excuse me, class. Please copy your notes on a clean piece of parchment to turn in for a grade." They groaned, but she ignored them to read the message.  
_To Headmaster Dumbledore.  
Cc: Minerva McGonagall  
Bcc: all other staff  
Subject: Tardiness and Incompetence  
Priority: Urgent!  
Professor Dumbledore (and the cat, too, I suppose),  
It took me twenty seconds to remember how the idiotic I-mail worked. Anyway, this is urgent. The newest Slytherin, Ms. Malgramer, has impudently breached my authority by telling me that she had a 'ligament' reason for being late to my class. I must confess I am concerned about this; she is admired by many students, excluding my nemeses, Minerva's Gryffindor students. I find myself disappointed in students such as Malfoy, who are taken in by the pompous broad.  
Albus, if you have any idea what to do about this, i-mail me back. You too, Minerva, or anyone else.  
Severus Snape, Potions master.  
------------------------------------------------  
Dragonstooth: useful for many spells, including but not limited to... _

Minerva McGonagall sighed and tore off a piece of paper from her favorite parchment, which proudly displayed the Gryffindor crest on the top and cat prints on the bottom of the paper.  
_To: Snapping Turtle Albus All other staff … … …)  
Subject: Re: The Slytherin who can't speak English.  
Albus, Snape, and everyone else, _

_I must send my condolences to you, Severus. I have a few Americans myself, such as Lorelei Adams, but while she may use odd phrases such as "bite me" now and then, she really does know her English grammar.  
Honestly, Albus, how exactly did she get into Hogwarts? I heard she is a transfer student. I can't believe we have to teach her! Is there any way to get her back where she came from! Half my Gryffindors (with the exception of Longbottom, Finnigan, and of course Potter, Weasley, Luna Lovegood, Hermione Granger, etc.) are also drooling at the fool. She may have a tragic past, but that does not give her the right to storm in here and… never mind. I need to get off this subject before I transform into my animagus form and pounce on her with my claws.  
I won't even get started on Malfoy. Actually, I will. Severus, you are rather mistaken about him. He is much like his father. Also, I would stop hating Potter. He really is a good kid, and your only hope against You-Know-Who (remember that), and he is training others to fight death eaters.  
Meow!  
-Minnie  
P.S. Albus, is it possible to keep I-mail from piling up? I really don't wish to see piles of these missives on my desk, and it is a bother to receive them while I am teaching classes. Now I have to grade notes for goodness sake!  
-M.M.-_

00000000000000000000000000000000000

Hermione waited for rest of her potions class to leave before approaching Professor Snape.

"Professor," she began. He interrupted her.

"Go to your next class, Ms. Granger before I take points," he growled. She stood her ground.

"Professor, are you all right? I understand you may be dissatisfied-"

"GO!" he yelled. "Later," he added, waving her aside. "Get to your class." Hermione had plenty of time- she had even been given her time turner back- but she decided to obey. There was no use talking to Snape when he was that irritated, especially since they could deduct points.

When she left the dungeon, she was deep in thought and walked blindly into Ron. She pulled back, horrified, and turned red.

"Sorry," she gasped, noticing that his face was as red as his hair. "I wasn't-"

"No problem, Hermione," he assured her, looking at the floor. "Did you get to talk to Snape?"

"No," she replied with a sigh. "He's not in a very good mood- I suspect that he is dissatisfied with his newest transfer student."

"I don't see why you want to talk to him," Ron grumbled.

"Well, you didn't _have _to wait for me," Hermione snapped.

"Well, I wanted to," he snapped back. "I just wanted to know why you'd stay after class to talk to Snape when he keeps taking points off because you're in Gryffindor."

"I stayed to talk with him because if you haven't noticed, Mary Sue Malgramer is taking over the school and driving me bloody insane! If we hadn't used the anti-veela charm, she'd even be doing better than _I _am! While I'm not in her power, she-"

"But he's _Snape!_"

"And he's a possible _ally,_" Hermione lowered her voice. "Come on, let's get to Transfiguration. You know how McGonagall is when people are late."

"Nag, nag, nag," Ron grumbled under his breath. After that, they walked in silence, not noticing the knowing glances of their classmates.

oooooooooooooooooo

Pansy Parkinson was infuriated. Not only was Draco not paying attention to her (he rarely did), but she had been deposed by none other than Mary Sue Malgramer. Oh, she was beautiful in her own Little Miss Muffet way, but honestly! She was… well, she wasn't Pansy herself, and that was the problem.

"This is not FAIR!" she suddenly screamed in the Slytherin girls' dormitories. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"  
"Oh, Panda- I mean, Pansy, aren't you ok?" Mary Sue asked, immediately worried.

"No, I am NOT okay, and you are- annoying!" Pansy answered with clenched teeth; since Mary Sue was currently the most popular, she guessed that the rest of the girls might be adverse to someone biting Mary Sue. There was a loud gasp throughout the room.

"But Pansy, how can you say that!" another Slytherin demanded. "That's just not fair! She's had such a sad life, and she's been showing us makeup tips!"

"Whatever," Pansy grumbled, knowing that she wouldn't get anywhere. "Have you seen my blue eye shadow?"

"You don't mean you're planning to use _that, _do you?" Mary Sue asked condescendingly. "It's, like, the most obstinate thing ever. Now everyone uses brown." None of the rest of them caught the mistake, being too enamored- or irritated- with Mary Sue. Pansy, of course, was the latter.

"I like my blue eye shadow," she replied. "Draco used to. Anyway, _I _am going to the library to _study._" With that, she flounced off. "I hate Mary Sue Malgramer," she muttered under her breath.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

_OK people. _

_First of all, I have to beg your forgiveness for not posting in so long. I've been pretty busy with graduation and all of that, plus I'm working on at least 4 writing projects. I, er, just finished writing this chapter (short as it is) and decided to post it.  
Secondly, I have to talk about i-mail. I designed it to be like e-mail, except for the fact that they don't use computers (yet)- I mean, most of the teachers would go bonkers. Unfortunately, it's similar to m-mail, which was used by Jeconais in This Means War. And, since I mainly designed it after the real e-mail only with parchment, I didn't ask permission. _

_She has a great (unfinished) story, by the way- it's hilarious. She's part of the protest group, so she no longer posts at this site.I tried to put in the link, but to no avail. _

_Thirdly, I really appreciate the reviews I've gotten, although I honestly do write for the fun of it- and because part of me just has to write. I think I'd go nuts if I didn't. That doesn't mean I don't like reviews, though. :-) _

_Fourthly & finally, (I'm making a lot of notes, aren't I?) no, Snape will not go soft on Harry in this story- it takes time to change- and the Hogwarts students won't have access to I-mail. Perhaps they will in the sequel to When Time Turns Back.  
Thanks once again! I hope you enjoyed the chapter. _

_Auramistealia _

_P.S. send any horrid mistakes you see on my way:-) _


	4. Chapter 4: Further Aggravation

Disclaimer: J.K. can have her due, and I can have mine. Capische:-)

_**This chapter is dedicated to TigerLily21. (Happy Birthday!)**_

_Reviewers:_

_Silverphoenix2: Gasp! " Your right!" as Mary Sue would say. MSM made a mistake by speaking properly! Only a Malgramer…  
TigerLily21: Happy Birthday! I'm glad you liked I-mail. The _main _reason it works via paper is because there is no way some of the professors would deal with a computer. Imagine Severus Snape throwing a temper at it. Although I decided Brenna and Remus could have their ham equipment- modified to work by magic and not electricity, of course. That's kind of different than cd players and stuff. Happy Birthday! _

_roguehobbit: I think I'll join you in rubbing my hands together. Now the irritation grows:-)_

_Lizzy Weasley: Thanks a lot! I am, "like," very glad "your" enjoying it. ;-)_

_ZIPPIYGIRL: Thanks for understanding :-) And reading, of course as always. _

_The-badgrammer-girl: Hmm. Mary Sue is making your IQ drop? I'll have to add some big words in the next few chapters. I hoped that having Hermione there would balance things out. Thanks for the compliment on the plot idea. _

By the way, the one mistake in grammar in this chapter is mine- I used except instead of accept or vice versa in a story I wrote two years ago- it was a typo! Oops. 

Chapter Four

Further Aggravation

Luna stared into space, held her quill over her notebook and sighed. Her mission was failing thus far, and although she was an eternal optimist she had doubts about whether or not her plans would work. She had only two more years to get Harry and Ginny, and three for Ron and Hermione. Hogwarts had only been in session for a week, but so far Ron and Hermione had argued sixteen times, and in her opinion Ginny and Harry did not spend enough time together for a relationship to blossom. It did not help that they both were good at masquerading.

Her thoughts were interrupted when a paper airplane hit her head. She scowled, picked it up, and unfolded it. Her irritation only grew when she read it.

_Loony,  
Can I copy ur notes? This class is, like, soo boring. Oh, how well do u kno Harry? I think he, like, fancies me but he's to shy to say nothing. How can I bring him out?  
U so need a haircut, btw. _

_MSM_

Luna folded the note and put it in her pocket, determined to burn it in between classes, and then turned back to her notebook, which she called her Scribbler for Quibbler since she planned all her articles in it. Two minutes later, Mary Sue sent another note.

_Loon, _

_I'm w8ing. U r so rude! Look. It's not exceptable behavior too not reply too a note. Is my mascara smudged? _

_MSM_

Luna pocketed this one as well, then tried to shut herself into her own little world, despite all the notes she received. However, when she glanced at her Scribbler for Quibbler notebook, she discovered that she had been writing and doodling. The words were not typical for her, either: they included everything from 'I hate Mary Sue' to a drawing of Mary Sue being tortured by dragons. In another sketch the nifflers were the offenders.

"Grr," she muttered. She put her notebook away, got the latest copy of the Quibbler out, and decided to conveniently drop the notes in Professor Snape's classroom. This would satisfy two purposes: torturing the potions master and quite possibly getting Mary Sue in trouble.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When Severus Snape cleaned the dungeon at the end of the day, he was surprised and irritated to find over a dozen folded pieces of paper under a desk. He picked them up for inspection and discovered, to his surprise, that over half of them hadn't been opened.

"Dastardly kids," he grumbled. "I bet someone put these there just to torture me. Well, whoever wrote these notes will be washing out pans in the medical wing without magic!" With that, he unfolded the notes one by one and read them."

_Loony Lovegood, _

_Why won't u except my notes and RESPOND! Your just jelous. Well, I guess Ill have too find help somewhere else. U r like, such an idiot. _

_Mary Sue Malgramer. _

"I should have known," he growled, unfolding the notes one by one and barely resisting the urge to tear them up. He almost felt sorry for _Potter_- almost, but not quite. "Did she- how did she get into Hogwarts?" Sighing, he took those notes to his desk, locked them in a drawer, and started an I-mail to Dumbledore.

_To: Albus all other teachers. _

_Bcc: Filch Mary Sue Malgramer_

_Albus,  
First of all, I can't believe I'm using this infernal system again to contact you, but it's the easiest way to spread the information to the whole faculty at the same time. _

_Malgramer, the pseudo-Slytherin, passed several notes during class to Lovegood, which presumably were not answered. Yes, I am aware that they do not have potions together, but I found around a dozen notes under a desk. I do not know how she got into my house, much less Hogwarts. Her grammar is atrocious, and she seems to like a strange version of shorthand. She does not even have basic training! I demand to see her credentials. Albus, did you admit her as some kind of cruel prank?   
Evidently she has it in for not only Malfoy but _Potter._ I won't comment more on that for fear of using too much parchment. _

_Anyone who wishes to see the notes may come by the dungeon during reasonable hours. _

_Albus, how does one keep the I-mail from piling up and covering one's desk? _

_-Severus Snape, Potions Master_

………………………

_To: all staff _

_Subject: I-mail changes  
As you know, i-mail can be sent at all times and without owls, and therefore can pile up without notice one one's desk. As several staff members have informed me, it is deucedly inconvenient for this to happen during classes. _

_It is now possible too keep the I-mail in a sort of air cache known as an inbox, and these can be accessed at any time. However, you must use the spell _aperio inbox _combined with a short password. The passwords must be given to me, or they will not work. Changing a password is impossible without my knowledge and consent. This is for security purposes, and passwords will be kept _completely confidential. _  
If an i-mail is received and not opened for two days (forty-eight hours), it will appear on the professor's desk. _

_-Albus Dumbledore  
-------------------------------------  
If life gives you lemons, make lemon drops!  
_

………………………

_To: Sev RE: Mary Sue Malgramer  
Sevvie,  
Fudge is responsible for allowing her into the exchange program with Hogwarts. I am currently working on a law that will deny the Minister of Magic the right to send exchange students to Hogwarts. Combined with the information piled up regarding Fudge and Umbridge, this may be effective. However, I will need help. _

_Harry Potter really is not his father. Even if he was a spoiled brat (which he is not), you need to let go of your anger. Perhaps lemon drops will help- I find them rather soothing. I pity him if Mary Sue Malgramer has her eyes on them, as well as Draco Malfoy. _

_I believe Hermione Granger may be plotting various ways to get rid of Ms. Malgramer. _

_Albus_

………………………

Hermione scribbled madly on her parchment. She only had two more inches to write for her potions essay on stottering potion, and she wanted a few minutes to work on her latest scheme before she had to report for prefect duties. After adding another paragraph, she was finished, and just in time. As soon as she wrote the last word, someone was knocking on her door.

"Grr," she grumbled as she got up to answer it. "Oh, hi, Ginny," she greeted her friend and stepped aside. "Welcome to the sixth year dorm. Lavendar and Parvati are in the bathroom still, so we should be fine." Ginny smiled.

"I know. Lav is having trouble with her hair. She got a curling iron for her birthday, and it won't work at Hogwarts, so she tried a heating charm on it and frizzled her hair." Hermione laughed.

"I bet she's going crazy. So what brings you here?"

"Boredom, irritation with males, and news about the Malgramer."

"What about the Malgramer? I am making a list of possible allies and strategies to reveal her fraudulence and torture her into leaving Hogwarts."

"Sounds good to me," Ginny responded cheerfully. "Luna told me that Malgramer sent her a ton of notes in History of Magic. She wasn't too pleased. I've rarely seen her so agitated."   
"Luna Lovegood?" Hermione questioned.

"Yep," Ginny confirmed. "She didn't answer any of them- she dropped them in Snape's room during potions- but the Malgramer is very condescending towards Luna."

"Okay, so she's a possible ally," Hermione decided. She added Luna's name to the list. "Now we have Ron, Harry, Lavendar, Parvati, Lorelei, Professor McGonagall, Professor Snape, Seamus, Neville, Pansy Parkinson, and Luna as potential allies. Can you think of anyone else?"

"You mean you asked _Pansy Parkinson _for help!" Ginny gasped. "Do you really expect-"

"I haven't asked her yet, but Malfoy is entranced by the Malgramer and Parkinson was muttering 'I hate Mary Sue Malgramer' under her breath. Besides, as with Voldy, only house and faculty unity will defeat the Malgramer."

"Now you'll expect me to work with Cho Chang," Ginny grumbled.

"What do you have against Cho?" Hermione asked teasingly. "Would it be her ditziness or her treatment of one particular-?"

"All of the above and then some," Ginny replied.

"So, what about the male species has been bothering you?" she inquired. "Harry's blindness?" Silence was the only answer she needed.

"He's male and therefore oblivious," Hermione reminded her. "Your secret is safe with me."

"I know," Ginny replied cheekily. "I have too much to blackmail you with. Cho chose this afternoon to review a few things. I almost used a bat-bogey hex on her. Now, what strategies do you have in mind for the Malgramer?" Hermione smiled evilly; few would ever suspect such a cold, calculated glance from her.   
"Complete and utter humiliation, plus a few months at a school specializing in grammar," Hermione replied. "Let me show you what I have so far."

……………………

_To: Sevvie Malgramer_

_Severus,  
I was appalled by those notes, but her essays are the same way. Oh, she doesn't use as many abbreviations, but she does not know the difference between " its" and " it's" and throws in a few big words in an attempt to look intelligent. There is only one problem: they are used incorrectly. Can you believe that she said transfiguration was an _obsequious _way to hide herself and confessed to being an illegal cat animagus? I used a spell to check her for that; she's not an animagus of any sort.   
Madam Hooch is impressed with her flying- she says she's almost as good as Potter. However, she will only use one broom and will not let anyone examine it. That is highly suspicious, don't you think? I think we should have it checked for spells.   
Ms. Granger is up to something. I overheard a conversation where she mentioned unity of houses, and she is scribbling in a notebook almost as much as Luna Lovegood. Perhaps it is about Ms. Malgramer. I certainly hope so. She asked for an appointment with me and said she was planning to speak with you as well. _

_-Minerva McGonagall_

_xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

Mary Sue Malgramer turned the corner to find her prey sitting alone by a window. _Perfect,_ she thought.

"Hi Harry," she said shyly, batting her eyes. He glanced up and gave her a guarded look.

"Yes?" he asked stiffly.

"You're thinking about Sirius, aren't you?" she asked. He shook his head.

"Actually, no. Leave me alone," he added brusquely. She started crying.

"It's days like this that I remember-" her voice faltered.

"Remember what?" he asked quietly. He was running out of patience and trying to keep from lashing out in violence, but Mary Sue did not realize that.

"I- the times my father beat me," she replied, warming up to her subject. "My mother died right after I was born, and he hates me. I ran away. I wasn't going to live with a jerk who gave me scars," she babbled. "My mom taught me self-defense." Harry was annoyed, but remembered something Hermione had said and decided to quote her.

"Do you know how obsequious you are?"   
"Yes," she sighed, beaming. "I've always been brave, despite-" Harry started laughing mockingly, bitterly.

"You don't know sorrow," he told her. "You don't even know what obsequious means. Don't bother leaving," he added. "I am." With that, he got up and left. He was in no mood to deal with her, and she had taken over his brooding spot.

_What am I doing wrong here? _Mary Sue asked herself. _This seems to work everywhere else. At least Malfoy sees my charms. Now where is the boy? Oh, Draky…_

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Several days later, Minerva McGonagall was once again busy grading papers. This time, the topic was flying pigs. After hearing a muggle-born student say the phrase, "When Pigs Fly," her fifth years wouldn't stop talking about that until she gave them the assignment to theorize how to make a pig fly. Some of the papers were incredibly ridiculous; Ginny Weasley's and Lorelei Adams's papers showed promise, however. _It probably helps that they know Hermione Granger, _she mused. _Still, they are pretty good students. Ugh. It seems like all I do is grade papers. _

Her thoughts were interrupted by a crash.

"Oops," Hermione said weakly. "The door was open. I knocked, but when you did not answer, I decided to enter."

"I have a tripping charm there to protect me from surprise attacks," Minerva replied offhandedly. "What do you wish to discuss with me?" Hermione smiled and opened her notebook.

"Well, as you know, Mary Sue Malgramer is corrupting the grammar at school. She is irritating many of the students in all four houses, and I suspect that she vexes you as well. I have been plotting various ways to humiliate her and ultimately send her back to whatever school she came from, and would like to know if we could count on you for assistance."

"By 'we', do you mean you and your friends?"

"Among others, yes. I am even considering asking several Slytherins such as Professor Snape and Pansy Parkinson for assistance." Minerva raised her eyebrows; she suspected that Hermione would ask for Severus Snape's help but not Pansy Parkinson, and she doubted Ms. Parkinson would oblige.

"Pansy Parkinson?" she questioned. "What makes you think Pansy would help?"

"She was cursing Mary Sue's existence as Malfoy is currently taken with her, and I would find a less irritating pureblood among them- say, Blaise Zabini- to communicate with her," Hermione explained.

"You have a point," Professor McGonagall mused. "Shall we bring the headmaster into this?"

"Sure, why not? Good idea, professor."

"I'd like to hear your plans."

"Well, they're a bit sketchy thus far, but it all sums up to complete and utter humiliation along with some sort of disciplinary action that expels her." Professor McGonagall stared at her in true shock.

"I had no idea you had quite this much… emotion in you."   
"Yes, well, improper grammar usage and idiotic behavior are annoying, and it _is _a good opportunity to have the houses practice cooperation, don't you think?" Hermione responded with a question.

"That I do," Minerva McGonall replied. "By the way, Severus is usually most cheerful in the early evening after classes have been over for an hour. That's usually when I contact him when is needed. Now, I have papers to grade, so if you would please excuse yourself, I will see you tomorrow in class."

"Of course, professor. Thank you and goodbye," Hermione replied, pivoted, and walked out of the room.

"Never in my life…" Minerva McGonagall murmured to herself as she took her quill in hand over the next essay.

_Well I hope you enjoyed & that I have time to update this- it is storming. Please r&r with questions, comments, and word misusage suggestions! Pobody's nerfect! _

_(Happy Birthday Tigerlily21!)  
-Auramistealia_

P.S. It's my birthday tomorrow!


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor, Parody