Not Enough Time

Title: Not Enough Time  
Author: Pretzelduck  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: To be safe, everything  
Archive: If you want it, sure!  
Summary: Seven years into the future, Jonathan Archer says goodbye to the love of his life.   
Disclaimers: I don't own the Star Trek franchise. I wish I did but all I own is my '91 Chevy  
Beretta, the crappy computer I typed this on, and the textbooks I paid way too much money for.  
Please don't sue me.  
  
---  
  
It passed in a blur. They, I guess...not it. Seven years. Seven of the most terrifying and  
wonderful years of my life. What history will recall are the ostentatious things. Returning Klang.   
The showdown with the Suliban. The completion of the first five year mission. But to me, and  
the rest of the crew I suspect, what will matter are the things that don't get marked down in  
reports and logs. Only to the people that lived aboard this ship are some things important.   
Yesterday will go down in the Enterprise history book as the day the ship lost its Armory Officer,  
Lieutenant Commander Reed. I'll always remember that day as the day I said goodbye to my  
Malcolm. The man I loved.  
  
Our relationship was an uncertain one from the beginning. He was so cautious and withdrawn.   
Malcolm didn't like to open up to people. I was so scared. Scared of jeopardizing my command  
and even more afraid of pushing him farther away. There were times in those first couple of years  
that I almost told him how I felt. Now looking back, I want to think I should have. We only had  
seven years together. Five as a couple. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I know better.   
Neither of us was ready yet. I didn't know how to balance being the captain with being a  
boyfriend. He didn't know how trust his heart to someone else.  
  
We were two years into the mission when the Enterprise seemed to be struck by goblins. Ship's  
systems were going down all over the place. Nothing major, though. Doors wouldn't open. The  
ship's computer when asked for star charts would bring up the recipe for Trip's beloved pecan  
pie. I wandered up and down each deck and eventually found myself alone in a lift with Malcolm.   
I stopped thinking of him as Lt. Reed the first time I caught a glimpse of his smile on our very  
first meeting. Lo and behold...and thanks I'm sure to Trip, who was tired of listening to me  
debate telling Malcolm how I felt about him, the lift jammed and Malcolm and I were stuck.   
  
I was going to just sit there and discuss weapons systems with him when Malcolm actually broke  
the ice first. I can't remember what story he told but it didn't matter. As he explained to me  
later, he was so nervous that he was sure that I could hear his heartbeat. The lift was supposedly  
stuck for thirty minutes while Trip 'got around' to fixing it. I didn't notice the time. Malcolm  
and I spent the entire time telling each other stories. When the lift finally began to move, it  
stopped at the Armory first and Malcolm stood up to leave. As he started to walk through the  
open door, he turned out and said, "I had a good time, Jon."  
  
Simple and stupid words to anyone that doesn't know Malcolm. But I knew. I knew exactly how  
much those words meant. Calling me by my first time went against everything Malcolm had ever  
been taught, as I learned later. The lift 'accident' was beginning of our relationship. We  
were...comfortable around each other after that. Once the comfort level grew so did other things.   
Malcolm and I started having long talks. He, hesitantly at first, told me about his parents and his  
home life. I shared with him the burdens of being the captain and of living my father's dream.  
  
Time passed too quickly after that. The images swirl around my mind incoherently unless I focus  
on just one. Our first kiss. The first time we made love. Hoshi mistakenly announcing our  
relationship to the entire crew over the ship's loud speaker. Malcolm moving into my quarters.   
Between the two of us managing to teach Porthos to fetch. The anniversary party that the crew  
threw us. All the close calls, one or both of us being injured. Entering orbit around Earth after  
the end of the five year mission with Malcolm's hand wrapped gently around mine. Starfleet  
almost refusing to allow the both of us to ship back out together on Enterprise. Him holding me  
while I stood at my father's grave. Holding him after his father slammed the door in his face  
when we went to visit his parents.   
  
All the memories of our life together working tirelessly to block out my last image of him. Lying  
in a pool of his own blood with his gorgeous dark eyes still open and revealing the utter pain of  
his death. We were running out of time. I knew someone would have to stay behind. There just  
wasn't enough time. Without a single word, Malcolm ran back down the tunnel. I turned to say a  
word to him and he was gone. The next instant there was an explosion and T'Pol's voice on the  
communicator saying the last shield was down. We were in the clear. But in that instant, I knew  
the cost. I'll never know how I made it back down that tunnel. My thoughts were focused on  
one thing. Malcolm. With Trip on my heels, I rounded a corner and there he was. His body was  
slumped up against the side of the rock wall at an odd and unnatural angle. Behind him, the  
tunnel had caved in.   
  
My body moved like it was full of molasses. It felt like an eternity until I managed to kneel beside  
his broken body. I stared at him forever. I didn't want to touch him. If I felt him, it would  
cement it in my brain that he was dead. It would make it real. I didn't want it to be real. I  
wanted him to look up at me and smile. Not that half smile he gave us all for so long but his true  
smile. The one that lights up his whole face and makes me fall in love with him all over again. I  
want him to tell some inane you-have-to-be-British joke. I want to listen to him read poetry to  
me because I'm simply happy to hear his voice. I want to go back in time and hear him call me  
Jon for the first time. I want him to gaze up at me with that look that says I'm in love with you.   
The look I know is mirrored in my face right now. I don't want to lose him. We haven't had  
enough time.  
  
I'll probably never be clear on how I got back to the ship. I remember Trip's hand against my  
back leading me out of the cave. I remember thinking that Malcolm's hand sure felt different. I  
can hear Hoshi's voice in my mind. The strain in her voice as she told T'Pol, "Malcolm's gone."   
I remember wondering if he had run after some native questioning them about their weapons  
again. That night...last night...was sleep filled thanks to Phlox and a sedative. I remember  
crawling into bed and hoping that Malcolm would hurry and finish tweaking the phase cannons.   
The bed seemed cold and empty without him.  
  
The door chime is ringing now. It must be Trip coming to escort me to the funeral. Malcolm  
didn't want to be buried in the ground. He wanted to be out among the stars so that's where we  
spreading his ashes. I wonder if I'll ever adjust to life without him. I feel his absence in this very  
room. It's a void that will never be filled. Malcolm's had a piece of my heart since the first day I  
met him. Slowly, he took it all. He once told me that he was giving me his heart and begged me  
not to throw it away. That was the only time I heard him plead. It was also the first time I told  
him I loved him. I own Malcolm's heart and he owned mine. Now, it's all I have left of the man I  
loved. And the man I love still. My dearest Malcolm. We just didn't have enough time.  
  
  
Feedback Appreciated!  
ahooper@gladstone.uoregon.edu 


End file.
