Elder Scroll series 1. Prologue

**Hello! I rewrote this again...anyway... I wanted you to know why I won't be making much of a progress:  
I'm writing in Finnish and then translating it to English. I have always thought I was rather good at English, good enough to translate my Finnish stories to English...and this being my best I started to translate it but I ran into problem that I only noticed now; weeks after starting to translate this.  
English language is NOT gender-neutral like Finnish. She or He. Him or Her. His or Hers. In Finnish it is different.  
How?  
I'll let this Quote from Wikipedia tell you:  
**

Finnish, Estonian and Hungarian belong to the Uralic languages family of languages (thus not Indo-European) languages. All pronouns are gender-neutral. The third-person singular and plural personal pronouns are _hän_ and _he_ in Finnish, _tema (ta)_ and _nemad (nad)_ in Estonian and _ő_ and _ők_ in Hungarian, respectively, which always refer to persons or animals.

In the last few decades the Finnish _spoken_ language has also moved in this direction. The third-person singular and plural are, respectively, _se_ and _ne_, which according to the written language specifications refer to an inanimate object or an animal. In informal spoken Finnish, _se_ and _ne_ are routinely used in reference to humans of either gender, animals, and inanimate objects or entities. The distinction between "hän" and "se" is retained in formal situations and in written Finnish except reported informal speech. Thus, at a time when English is moving towards gender-neutrality, Finnish is moving to species-neutrality.

**That is...I have written my stories with "se" and "ne" and so on. It made me realize when writing this that I have to either use "It", "they" and "itself". That may NOT seem problem for you, but for me it's HUGE problem. For me "It" is so wrong. Like it makes the one that is talked about non-human(or elf/beastfolk...whichever you prefer). It's not problem when I , or my person in this story, the hero, refer to myself this way, but when I go into heads of Ralof and Hadvar...it gets weird and I hit brickwall...well see for yourselves, here is my current progress: starting from Ralof.**

* * *

'ugh...where am I?' Ralof thought as he woke up from the poison induced sleep and took a look around him.

Or...that was his plan anyway. That plan stopped when he took look up and front of him. Specifically, to the woman in front of him.

Ralof couldn't believe his eyes so he rubbed them couple of times for good measure.

'So I am not dreaming' was all Ralof could think.

Because sitting in front of him was a beauty unlike any other! (at least, that's what Ralof thought)

After ogling for minute or two Ralof realized that he is on a mission. He briskly took a quick look around.

and froze when he noticed who was sitting in the wagon next to the lady.

He grit his teeth as he noticed his lord Ulfric had been gagged and bound.

'Damn those imperials!' he thought to himself and tried to figure out a way to escape but with his lord still still asleep he couldn't do much. So he took better look around. He grinned as he noticed all the top lieutenants in the other wagons.

'So our plan succeeded, the imperials took us in unharmed.' He thought but then he noticed oddness of the scenery ' but wait a minute...this doesn't look like Cyrodiil... more like... Skyrim(?) did they see through the plan?'

That's when Ralof realized where they were, he cursed inside his mind.

'We are not on the way to Imperial city to be heard! This is the road to Helgen! Damn those Imperials! Not following their own laws and traditions!'

That meant that their plan had failed.

Hearing some groaning Ralof noticed that the others in the wagon were waking up. He shook his head when his lord sent him questioning glance. He couldn't stand the look of fury and disappointment that came to his lords face ,so he started to idly look where they were going.

Then the beauty woke up. That changed everything, at least to Ralof. Not wanting to look bad in front of her, he decided to go with cool guy approach, just in case they get out of here.

"Hey ,you! You're finally awake! You were trying to cross the border! Walked right into that imperial ambush, same as us, and that thief over there!" he said to her and nudged his head towards the thief next to him.

But to his surprise the girl almost screamed after noticing him and started to look around frantically with glazed eyes. Then she dropped back into the same position as she slept in. As if she fell asleep.

But Ralof could hear small mumbling from her as he focused, unlike the others in the wagon.

"Ei helvetti, ei perkeleen perkeleen perkele! mitä helvettiä mä täällä teen? Ei tää voi olla! tää on mahdotonta! Tän on pakko olla unta!" she said and then ,apparently, bit her own cheek, or something, "ouch! toi sattu! ja...voi ei...tunnen kylmää, kipua ja maistan ja haistan. Eli tää on totta. En siis uneksi...god damn it! mutt jos oon tääl, tässä vaunussa tässä paikassa näiden kanssa...vittu...oonks mä? ei helvetti...kuka helvetin kusipää on tän takana? Sheogorath?ei jos se on Oblivion tyyppi Alduin? se yks Fanficition ato mukavan idean...mutta ei...Q? ei...kuka onkaan syyllinen ,väännän sen niskat nurin olkoon sit joku jumala tai mikälie! mutta hetkinen...ei helvetti...mä oon muija? eieieiei shit shit shit eieiheihehehehe eijei jei!" and she giggles and snorts and cries...and laughs. in very quiet and creepy manner.

but quietly enough that only Ralof hears and notices, despite not understanding what language the lady speaks, the breakdown.

But then, just as suddenly as the breakdown began, it stops. Ralof could almost hear pin dropping as the lady apparently realizes something

"mutta... hetkinen...ääni: naisen, rinnat: naisen, kroppa...naisen lukuunottamatta...sukupuolivälineitä...eli joku on tehnyt musta shemalen...eiku hetkinen...hampaat:ehjät, jalat: ehjät ja vahvat...joko ne parans mut tai oon jonku muun kropassa...Eli oon viel mies! heehaa! ja näytän tarpeeks muijalta ett luulen pystyväni...heheheheheheheee...ehhehehe...mutta hetkinen! eiks?" she then stops. Just like that. And looks up. Directly at him.

she looks at him in surprise

"You have pretty good ears don't you? did you hear what I said?" she asks him with hint of fear in her voice.

Surprised, but still maintaining his cool posture, Ralof decides to play dumb, because it sure looks like she wasn't supposed to say all that a loud. Whatever that was. Also because from her voice he recognized her as the woman that walked the same road they were traveling, and from the armor she wore then he had the feeling she should not be crossed. The statement earlier was because Ralof thought that she was just random traveler that was caught earlier instead of the Glass armor wearing spellsword whose horse was stolen by the thief in the wagon with them.

"No...I just heard some mumbling about Sheogorath and lots of unknown words, which I took as self-invented curses... you surprised that you lost all your shiny Glass armor and daedric weapons?" Ralof says/asks her

Her eyes almost blow open, A reaction Ralof didn't expect.

"wha-?",she starts, but then seems to gather herself, " Umm yea the cold air is just not for me so feeling that I had no sleeves woke me up. And I sure as hell didn't expect to be taken as prisoner." she says quickly, and Ralof notices that she made that up on the spot.

Then the unexpected occurs as she leans back.

Despite having beautiful nord looks and strikingly clear emerald eyes,

She has pointy ears.

That little detail surprises Ralof.

"woah! I thought you were nord but you are an elf! Never seen elf with so small pointy ears! Should have guessed with the feeling of magicka that you are Breton or Elf!"

Ralof remarks, with hint of unintented venom added to his statement, which is why he bits his tongue immediately afterwards and doesn't notice the surprised look on her face.

About a second later she responds

"uhmm no, I'm breton but with help of friend and alteration magick my ears were made a bit pointy, you know, just for the looks! I was coming to skyrim as I wanted to find someone to change them back as that friend of mine died and I can't do it on myself! I heard there was one who could change your look on Riften so..." she says a bit hesitantly,as if testing the waters.

Ralof nods despite not fully believing her "I've heard of someone like that living in the ratway."

he says and is about to say more but just then they are interrupted by the gate-guard of Helgen yelling

"General Tullius sir! The headsman is waiting!"

That one sentence makes it all clear to Ralof why they came to Helgen instead of Imperial city.

'They are going to execute His lord to end the rebellion in one swift strike! Sons of a bitches! That Tullius must have caught wind of their plan!

Ralof shared a brief glance with his lord making sure that he realized it as well.

"what village are you from horse thief?" he decided to ask the Thief, just to look cool in front of the lady.

"I-I'm from Rorikstead. But why do you care? You are stormcloak! If it weren't for you I could have stolen that horse!" the thief says with rather fearful voice. Ralof barely manages to not smirk. It seems that the woman in front of him has lost her memories.

"Because nords last thoughts should be of home." Ralof explains. Then he remembers that in case they are really not going to make it, he should at least show his gratitude to his lord.

"It has been honor, jarl Ulfric. Sovngarde awaits."

His lord nods and the thief starts to get even more frantic as he realizes the situation.

But then, just before they stop, the Girl speaks again.

"So it starts... This is going to be fun!" she said, smiling in glee.

Every male in the wagon look at her as if she was mad. Even the driver. How in the oblivion was execution going to be fun?

Before any can say that a loud, the wagon stops.

"end of the line." Ralof says and they all get up.

But no one could have expected What happened next.

After Ulfric and Ralof had been called, The girl walked right next to the thief and when he tried to start running, she stepped on his toe and he fell over.

...

Which made everyone to burst in laughter.

Except the Captain "What's the meaning of this?" she yelled at her.

The beauty just shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly and started in confident tone, with that gleeful smirk on her face:

"Couldn't have him run around and get killed by arrows instead of getting executed like rest of us ,now could we? That would be like getting Daedric sword when others get a rusty iron sword."

she says and then raises her voice

"we are all brothers and sisters in binds now! stormcloaks, this horse thief and me, a random traveler who was robbed of her belongings and got hauled here to be executed just for being in wrong place and wrong time...If I remember correctly... there was no law stating that crossing border from Cyrodiil to Skyrim was crime punishable by Death now was there?" she asks the captain loud enough for everyone to hear her. With that smug smirk still on her lips.

The captain was NOT pleased and as stormcloaks started to yell to release her and several townspeople too, Ralof could feel the confidence radiating from the girl.

And the sheer humiliation and anger that radiated from the captain, even that traitor Hadvar smirked at her.

"Enough! This person was with the stormcloaks! She must be mercenary working with them! Why else she came from Cyrodiil the exact same time and place as Ulfric was going wards Cyrodiil? And in full Glass armor?"

The captain yelled, and that shut up the locals as they started nodding.

But the girl seemed like she was about to burst out laughing.

"krhm! We should get this over with! If she is on our list, then captain is right."

Hadvar says and to Ralof's surprise, both women nod at that.

After everyone was accounted for ,except the beauty, hadvar asks her

"Who are you?" in tone that suggests there wasn't any name that could be her left.

But before she can answer, loud roar echoes around. most people start wondering what that was but the beauty just smiled.

And then she spoke

"What? Couldn't find a name fitting for me? Aww... too bad... Maybe I will tell you when you learn to obey your own laws."

She says with mocking tone, tone that got few laughs out of people around and made the captain even angrier.

But Hadvar seemed to not care as he continued

"Captain, What do we do? She is not on any of our lists! And I'm sure she ain't Borg Achmed! The redguard mercenary Ulfric was supposed to meet!"

Hadvar asks the captain

This got laughs out of the stormcloaks who were present as they knew that it was lie , the meeting with mercenary, and that they were not going to meet with any mercenary as it was ploy to get into imperial city and get Ulfric to speak to masses of Cyrodiil in his defense.

The captain seems to regain her composure as she shouts in confident tone "forget the list! She goes to the block!" she says, just before Tullius comes from the tower.

"Is everything ready captain?" Tullius asks as he walks towards ulfric

"Sir yes sir!" The overeager captain answers him, propably happy that Tullius didn't hear the conversation.

"good, lets get this over with!" Tullius says and from his tone Ralof notices that he is not too pleased with the situation either.

But the Thalmor behind him seems very very pleased.

And then the roar echoes again making everyone look around.

Everyone except the beauty .

Ralof barely hears as Tullius saying something as he is focused looking at the mystical beauty next to him who seems to become both happier and sternier every passing second.

His thoughts are interrupted by the loud protest of his fellow stormcloak:

"For the love of Talos, shut up and lets get this over with!"

Ralof smiles at his fellow comrade as he goes to the block and lowers his head to the block before the captain gets to force him down, making her very pissed.

"My ancestors are smiling at me imperials, can you say the same?" he says just before his head is chopped off.

Ralof just sends silent prayer that he got to sovngarde as he hears something next to him.

The girl is making gag noises as if almost puking. 'must be fine lady if not used to blood.' Ralof thinks.

And it seems the captain noticed this too as she orders the girl to the block.

But before she is even lowered to the block, the hell breaks loose in form of a black dragon that lands on the tower and roars something.

Ralof doesn't waste time as he breaks the bindings with his sheer strength. Then he turns around and kicks the guard behind him, making his weapon clatter towards the tower.

Nodding to Ulfric he turns back towards the lady while Ulfric takes the fallen sword and runs to the tower with few other stormcloaks.

"C'mon lady! We need to get out of here!" Ralof yells at her.

The woman in question shakes her head and grabs headsmans axe next to her and sprints after Ulfric.

"C'mon Ralof! You gonna stand there all day?" she asks from the doorway. The girl was FAST.

"damn!" Ralof grunts and runs inside.

He is about to say something when the girl interrupts

"That was A dragon, and that unique feeling I got from it, it's got to be Alduin, which would mean It's the end times...unless there is Dragonborn to stop it." she says and Ralof could see her eyes almost burning with pure joy! What is with this girl!

"oh and stop looking at me with those lustful eyes, I'm not girl, I'm 100% man and not gay." she continues.

No...HE continues

(err...even author can be mistaken.)

"..." Ulfric's mouth drops open

"..." Ralof's mouth drops open

"..." Chicken's mouth drops open

* * *

**…**

**If you are wondering about the odd piece of text that is not English, it's Finnish, but not by-the-book Finnish. It basically says this:  
**

Ei helvetti= Hell no! (no hell)

wiki/Perkele

"hell no! (curses) what the hell am I doing here? this can't be happening! this is impossible! this got to be dream!"

"Ouch! that hurt! and...oh no...I feel cold,pain and I can taste and smell. which means this is real. Which means I am not dreaming...goddamnit! but if I am here, in this wagon, in this place with these guys...f**k...am I? hell no...who the hell is the pisshead behind this? Sheogorath? no if s/he is that oblivion guy...Alduin? that one fanfiction gave pretty good idea...but no...Q? he'll show up if he was it...whoever is the guilty one, I will snap its neck be it god or whatever! but wait a moment...hell no...I am a woman? nonononono shit shit shit nonohehnohehenohehehehehehe nonononono!"

"but...wait a moment...voice:female, boobs: female, body...female except...sex organ...which means someone has made me into shemale...no wait...my teeth:unbroken, feet:unbroken and strong...either they healed (and modified) or I am in body of someone else...that means I am still a man! heehaa! and I look female enough that I think I can...heheheheheheheheehe... ehhehehe...but wait a moment! hasn't he?(the last sentence meant that the person in question realized Ralof heard everything...and stopped)


	2. Prologue part 2

Dear Guest: in here you will find out that The Dragonborn ain't really...

oh just read the damn thing xD

I added a little bit at the end, Now I will go continue to write that story to my niece...so not gonna update any stories in looong time.

* * *

The silence was broken by Alduin breaking the wall on upper level.

"Toor...Shul!" it shout-roasted one stormcloak.

This woke up the beauty and others

err...

scratch that lets call him/her just The prisoner until s/he tells us his/her name? ok?

The prisoner whipped around and sprinted upstairs faster than Ulfric could blink.

"what in the name of Talos was that?" asked one stormcloak who had heard the exchange.

"nothing, just little misunderstanding, We've got to get out of here! let the Dragon roast those imperial bastards who don't even follow their own customs!" Ulfric bellowed and the men with him cheered.

and The prisoner? Jumped out of the hole made by Alduin to burning building with mad glee on her...his face.

* * *

While the stormcloaks hid in the tower, Hadvar had been helping to evacuate civilians, but it proved futile as the dragon just killed them all.

Grimacing his bad luck and cursing the dragon he noticed Hamming and Torolf.

'I cannot let the dragon kill the boy!' he thought and ran towards them, just in time to notice why they were still on the road.

Torolf was badly wounded. Really badly.

"Hamming! Go with Hadvar! I can't move and the dragon might swoop down here any moment!" Torolf said to his son.

"No! I ain't leaving you here! That Dragon already took mama! I can't lose you too!"

"You want to die? go there kid! listen to your father!"Torolf yelled at is son, who hesitantly backed of.

Hadvar saw that the dragon had noticed them and was about to swoop down ,so he yelled at the boy

"Hamming! You need to get over here, now!"

luckily, the boy was scared enough that he obeyed and ran towards him, just in time for the dragon to land behind his father.

To encourage the boy Hadvar continued despite seeing the dragon.

"That a boy, you are doing great!" Hadvar said to hamming, smiling.

then he noticed that the dragon was about to shout.

"Torolf!" he yelled just as the dragon unleashed fire breath on Torolf, killing him instantly

"gods! everyone fall back!" he yelled while doing roll to avoid the flames.

After the dragon took flight again, Hadvar looked around. To his surprise he noticed that the prisoner had somehow gotten there without his notice.

Hadvar decided that it would be best for both of them if he took the prisoner with him.

"Still alive prisoner? keep close to me if you want to keep it that way!" he said to the mysterious prisoner that looked like woman but had aura of man.

'-and tongue sharp enough to make Captain angry.' Hadvar added in his mind. Outwardly he smiled as the prisoner came to his side. Prisoner whose smile was a bit unnerving, as if he was enjoying the situation...

He decided to let it slide and addressed others who were with him

"Gunnar take care of the boy! I have to find general Tullius and join the defense!"

The elderly man he asked the favor nods and replied; "Gods guide you Hadvar!"

Hadvar nods grimly at that and taking note that the prisoner is still following him, runs past the charred body of Torolf to the little back ally next to the wall on the left. Taking glimpse at the prisoner following him , he notices that his gaze is a bit ...grazed?

"Stay close to the wall!" Hadvar shouts at him to shake him awake from his shock.

or whatever made that look.

His shouting has desired effect as the eyes of the prisoner clears up and he joins him next to the wall.

Just in time for the dragon to land on the wall to shout poor imperial right in front of them to crisp.

Hadvar sends quick prayer to the divines to help them all. Half second later the dragon takes flight again. Hadvar thanks the divines in his mind and starts running to the house on his left.

"quickly! Follow me!" he orders the prisoner. Prisoner Hadvar had decided to keep alive no matter what, feeling guilty for not telling Tullius that he was innocent bystander, innocent enough to not deserve getting killed but guilty enough to get fined, that and almost getting him executed.

as they came out of the house, he noticed General Tullius and sighed in relief.

And Tullius noticed him.

"Hadvar! to the keep! we are leaving!" Tullius yells at him the second he sees him.

Hadvar nods and starts running to the keep.

"It's you and me prisoner! stay close!" he yells at the prisoner...who is still grinning...

and who has the headsmens axe .

'where did he hide that axe? it wasn't visible...never mind..' Hadvar decides to ask about it later and continues running towards the keep.

Together they run until they are at the keep.

But they aren't the only ones.

Ralof is too.

Hadvar is just about to raise his sword to fight when the prisoner comes between them.

"No time to fight, lets get out of here!"

and runs to the door that Hadvar would have chosen anyway, leaving both Hadvar and Ralof stare at him.

"Come on! You gonna stand there and wait for the dragon to kill you?"

The prisoner yells at them.

Grinning, Hadvar runs to the door and opens it with his key. For some reason Ralof backs of, as if Prisoner choosing that door would mean that the prisoner chose Hadvar. The person in question in other hand felt like he won over Ralof somehow.

'one point for me' Hadvar thinks to himself

as they step inside Hadvar decides to finally ask what was bugging him.

"since when you have had that axe?"

He asks, and the prisoner just grins even wider.

"since that dragon killed the guy who had it, I decided to keep it as memo, it was in my pouch until now." The prisoner says with his singsong voice

'pouch? I thought it was taken away from her...I mean him, damn his physique really looks like that of a woman, I'm sure most people will be fooled by it, I'm lucky to see aura's ' Hadvar thinks

"and you didn't cut your -"

SNAP

"-ropes..." Hadvar finishes his sentence and looks at him. Seeing the prisoner snap those bindings just like that made is blood run cold so he gulps and continues carefully "okay so you didn't need any help taking those bindings of...and you could have run away any time?"

"yeah? But where is the fun in that?" the prisoner says with face that could be described only as crazy.

'this is going to be long day...' thought Hadvar as he turned around to look for supplies, while the prisoner went straight to the Wardens Chest and put on the light imperial armor there.

and then he, the prisoner, stopped rigid before taking out a note and purple pile of clothing from the chest.

* * *

The Real Dragonborn Sam D Jones

'So my mother was right. The second I stepped into skyrim I was possessed. By a ghost of a man that is from another dimension and knows of a future. A man who has deep knowledge of Thu'um and soul of hero. A man who is beyond grasps of gods, daedric or divine. A man who has courage and knowledge to save this world. Only things that man doesn't have are personal experience, body fit enough to do what his mind wants to do and magicka.

Qualities I have. And I have them only because mom wanted to train me since I was a kid...and I just wanted to read poetry and fool with boys!

I hope I could just communicate with him! aaarghh! he is twisting everything in his ignorance! I am Daughter  
(Damn gods decided to make me a man! I am glad I found some friends to fix some issues of my male body...) of Cecilia S Jones, who is daughter of Martin Septim and Selene Mad-born, hero of Kvatch and ...what were her titles again? Gray fox,listener,archmage,Master of fighters guild, Divine crusader? oh and of course ,Sheogorath. God(dess) of madness who run away from the Isles when I was born...and lately we found that she is in mind of ghost called Mad Pelagius, in wing of Blue palace... a fine ancestor of mine.

This is humiliating! I am not one to be with common rabble! I have blood of Akatosh and Talos in me! I am royalty! I should be in palace! Only thing worthy of me basking in my presence would be nobles! I should be the one to rule them all from ruby throne!

but no...mother babbled endlessly how I would become a hero of common people! a hero! that means adventurer, tomb raider and fighter! I refuse to do that sort of filthy jobs! they are not fit to the empress!

* * *

**So I added a little bit here... xD**

**and as you can see... The dragonborn is really a man...A man who thinks he is really a woman and who experimented with his own body...and who was hijacked by a man from another dimension...and he can't do a thing about it...or can she?**


	3. So it Begins

'This is impossible!' I thought to myself after seeing a book that was on top of purple pile of clothing in bottom of Warden's chest under Imperial Studded armor in Helgen keep.

Why it was impossible? Because the book I mentioned had my name in its cover. Name I was sure no one in this realm should know.  
Only thing that freaked me out more was the text in its first page.

_Losing memories sucks doesn't?_  
_Next time you should heed my warning._  
_Take this book and these items and_  
_Wear this armor and get to Whiterun._  
_(Don't worry, they are enchanted.)_  
_There you will meet a friend_  
_who will help you reclaim your memories_  
_and tell you where to find the bastards _  
_who turned your body into that mix between male and female_  
_Your name is Sam D Jones._  
_Good luck getting out of Helgen my 'son'.  
_

_This book is enchanted so it will disappear every time it is closed in bright flash.  
To summon it back, just think about it.  
_

_Cecilia Jones,_  
_Seer / Prophet of Akatosh_  
_and your mother_

'okay...that didn't explain much...hehehe...this is getting weirder and weirder...hehehe...agh! focus! focus!' I take a deep breath and read the next page.  
It's index page.

and it clearly shows how crazy dream this is.

Anyway from it I understood what the book was.  
Apparently the book was, is, my menu in this place. It had magical map, statistic page and inventory of my new Bag of Holding. It also has section for quests.

'figures, for a a lazy gamer like myself there got to be something like a menu in games in my dreams.' I think as I read it. Then I notice the last entry of the index page and freeze again.

The name of the last entry? MAMD-fanfiction style. Magical automated mental diary.

The worst part was that I couldn't open those pages. I sigh and shut the book and it disappears.

The other items mentioned in the book were something I really thought I would need. A compass and Bag of holding.

Seeing the items puts smile in my face

'and that's how you turn impossibly unbearable situation into something bearable. Thank you ma'am, for this, I am willing to pretend to be your son until I get back home. Now lets see this armor' I think to myself and unfold the pile of clothing.

and drop my jaw 'no freaking way!' I force my jaw shut again.

'Lotus armor? but that was just a armor mod! and to Oblivion! How in the Void did it get here?' I think to myself and start to inspect the armor in daze. After inspecting it fully from outside I take a look inside. There I see small note. I smirk as I read it.

_Your favorite armor from the games that you loved ,it took some time to recreate._  
_Bear in mind that the games were_  
_but shallow fraction of this world and what lies within._  
_The prophets of our world in your world had to_  
_discard and change many things to make the games work._  
_Unlike the book, you must never show this to others.  
your mother Cecilia  
,daughter of Selene Mad-child and Martin Septim,  
Wife of Gregor Jones_

After reading the note,I carefully take all my clothes and armor of, except underwear of course, and start putting the Lotus armor on.

First I put on the orange pants 'okay these don't feel any different...maybe I can't sense magical energies? or the writer lied...'

Second piece I put on is the sleeveless chest piece 'so far so good...damn I really do look like woman...ugh! bad! Focus on putting on the armor!' I scold myself

Next I put on the the belt section and finally I notice something different 'my breathing! It's easier to breathe! What the hell?'

intrigued and excited that there is something magical in the armor, I put on the sleeves... but feel nothing different.

Disappointed I put on the last pieces, the overly long boots and smile. 'hmmm? what is...it's like... wait...' I try to stomp the ground. Nothing. Not even a sound.

Seeing but not hearing puts wicked smile on my face 'Muffled boots! sweet!'

But then I start to think about my situation,for no apparent reason,

'I wonder if I dreamed up everything starting from the morning of 20.12.2012... maybe I am still sleeping and the Earth is still habitable and full of life and not the radioactive piece of heap it turned into on 21.12.2012?' It was bizarre to think how it all happened. The odd events that led to destruction of Earth.

'Maybe I am not in elder scrolls at all but writing this all up in front of my laptop?'I almost laughed at that odd image but felt even sadder as thinking about it brought about something I had forgotten. The last question in my mind that I answered Elder Scrolls.

I sigh and shake my head 'naah... who am I kidding? I know the difference of dream and reality and this is damn real. I have no home and everyone I know are either doing dimensional travel like me or in coma within the Ark.'

I shudder at the last thought as I put on last piece of the armor, the orange string in the belt.

'stop thinking and go with the flow! Priorities! first out of Helgen, then meeting whoever could tell me about my supposed memory loss! Then I can figure out how to get together with everyone...' I tell myself in my mind.

I focus for second after getting the last piece on and then turn towards Hadvar

* * *

Hadvar couldn't believe what he saw.

First the prisoner took out and put on a Imperial armor from the chest, then s/he took out a purple clothing and book from it and THEN the book blew up!

After that little spectacle the being in front of him undressed! S/he had very toned body of WOMAN with bulge in front of its underpants that only males have!

and s/he changed into that odd purple clothing s/he took from the chest instead of the sturdy armor s/he had donned not seconds ago.

'That's it!' ,Hadvar thinks, 'Sheogorath must be toying either with me, or the prisoner in front of me! No sane person would-'

"Come on Hadvar! anyone home?" the prisoner yells at him, causing him to forget what he was thinking.

"I hear, no need to yell ma'am, sir, err...whichever you prefer." Hadvar answers while ,on reflex, puts a hand to his trusty imperial sword, ready to strike.

The prisoner grins at Hadvar and then twirls the huge Headsmen's Axe in his fingers as if it was just a hollow childrens toy.

This causes Hadvar to roll his eyes.

But before Hadvar can comment on it, the prisoner stops and bows elegantly.

"Allow me to introduce myself, I am Sam D Jones but you can call me Dan. I cam to Skyrim to fix my body. I was a man before certain day, but for convenience sake, refer to me as woman. No one would believe if you would say I was man while looking like this. Nice to meet you Hadvar...?" she says so fast that Hadvar barely understands.

But the question in the end is clear and he has answer to that  
"I am Hadvar of Riverwood, I can see that you are a man but I can also see your point. May I ask what was that exploding light? and why did you don that clothing instead of armor?"Hadvar says before his mind can catch up.

Thankfully the prisoner, no, Dan, does not take that as insult. Though Hadvar doesn't know why he thought his question would be taken as insult. But her answer is not what Hadvar expects.

"That blow to head that knocked me out in the border of Skyrim made me lose some of my memories. That exploding light was a book from my mother. She is Seer and knew I would come here with memory loss so...that flash restored some of my memories. This 'clothing' is armor tougher than any leather or iron. Handmade by my mother. Now lets go!" Dan says to him while stuffing things into rather small bag that he puts on her left hip.

Hearing roar outside ,Hadvar couldn't agree more with that and opens the gate that leads to the next room.


End file.

Elder Scroll series, Humor