Elder Scroll series Cooking with Dead Things

"Fetching vampire, fetching kitchen, fetching schedule, fetching Antionetta, fetching food, fetc-." Gogron banged around the kitchen throwing pots onto the stove, Antionetta had to duck as one went over her head to smash into the wall.

"Gogron" interrupted Kisara "If you hate cooking so much why not have Cuddles do it?" She asked this as she polished a femur from what looked like a Khajiit, it was probably for the "friend" she had been threatening to make for "Cuddles" the dark guardian. Antionetta gave up her attempts to clean rust off of the enchanted dagger she had found on her last contract and turned her full attention toward her newest sister. 

"Kisara" she asked in a worried sort of tone "you do realize that he is dead right?"

In response Kisara cocked her head "Yes, but that doesn't mean he can't be taught to cook. I've said it once I will say it a thousand times you dramatically underestimate the potential of a dark guardian, I mean when I was growing up all of Mother's servants were dead, and they were perfectly capable of cooking. Especially Fluffy, that bag of bones could make a mean cup of chicken soup, it tasted wonderful when I was laid up with a cold." She got a nostalgic look on her face pausing in her polishing. "I remember one time I got so sick I could barely move and Mother was away from the tel, I was laying on my bed wishing I would die, and here comes Fluffy with a bowl of soup and a potion. He even helped me drink it then tucked me in and sat next to my bed telling me funny stories until I went to sleep." She sighed softly, a small smile creeping up on her. "Almost all of my playmates and babysitters growing up were dead, Snickerdoodle, Winky, and I would have so much fun together. Our favorite game was keep away, I was the best at it, mostly because they let me win but it was still fun. One time it took Mittens a week to find her other arm, Mother was so mad. " She laughed softly. It was here that she realized that A) Lucian and Taelendril had arrived. B) Everyone was looking at her as if she was insane. "What? Did I do something wrong?" a confused pause interrupted by the sound of water boiling over "Um… Gogron your …dish is having difficulties." Jumping the Orc looked down and cursed as he immediately pulled the pot from the heat. This seemed to be the trigger for Antionetta to come out of her shocked paralysis 

"Your mother gave you zombies to play with." This warranted a look from Kisara that said plain as day 'Are you stupid or something?' 

Rolling her eyes Kisara answered "Of course not that is disgusting, zombies are the single most nauseating creatures in existence, not to mention the fact that they're unhygienic. Seriously Antionetta have you ever seen a clean zombie? No, because you know what you get when you give a zombie a bath?" She paused here waiting for an answer not getting one she continued

"Soup, you get soup. They fall all to pieces…well then again so do most undead. And before you ask yes the last part does come from personal experience. Poor Buttons, that wraith never was quite the same after the bath incident." 

Taelendril gaped at her "You gave a wraith a bath?! Please tell me that your kidding." Kisara put aside her femur and grabbed a skull from the sack at her feet. "I don't understand what the problem is, well other than the whole ruining a perfectly good servant. Speaking of which I wonder where Mother put her, for that matter I wonder if she would allow me to…acquire some of my old toys…" The look on her face made most of the family shiver. 

Eager to change the subject Teinavva interrupted her monologue "Kisara, out of curiosity can all undead cook or is it only skeletons?" Kisara looked thoughtfully at the Shadowscale for a moment before answering.

"First of all most skeletons can cook but only simple things like sandwiches, they just don't have the mental capacity for more than that where as a dark guardian is capable of acting as a gourmet chef if properly trained. Ghosts and Wraiths are for the most part unable to fix anything without dripping ectoplasm all over it. Nobody in their right mind trusts zombies to do anything other than shuffle around and rot. I suppose a Lich could but the only times I have ever been that close to one I was much more worried about keeping all of my limbs then asking for recipes. Last but not least vampires have the ability to cook however I would much rather eat a live Dremora than to try and stomach another birthday cake fiasco. " She shuddered 

"Birthday cake fiasco?" Lucian queried from across the room

"I love Janus like a brother but really there are reasons why nobles have chefs." 

Gogron chose this time to interrupt 

"Kisara maybe they do things differently in Morrowind but I think I speak for everyone here when I say that I don't want dead things near my food it's just wrong."

Kisara laughed 'Gogron how long have you been in the Brotherhood?"

The Orc snorted "Going on 20 years, why do you ask?"

"No reason really other than to point out that in those twenty years I assume you have never objected to eating with the rest of the family." Kisara looked much too smug for the Orc's liking. 

"What does that have to do with anything." 

"Simple Gogron, most living Bretons I know don't have these." Without warning she lunged over to where Vicente was sitting and with no fanfare whatsoever raised his upper lip to reveal one long ivory fang. With a playful snarl the vampire slapped her hand away and pounced on her. The two spent a few minutes grappling much to the amusement of the others.

"Alright Kisara you made your point now leave the pointy toothed bastard alone before someone gets hurt." Antionetta addressed this statement to the pile of limbs that had currently come to rest uncomfortably close to her feet.

"I resent that statement I would never hurt Kisara." Vicente got to his feet with the grace of a cat pulling Kisara up with him. "Besides if I killed her I wouldn't have the opportunity to prove to her that vampires can cook. I'll even make a nice Poisson à l'oseille(*) for you.

Kisara cocked her head to the side "Vicente you lost me at poison. I think I'll stick to good old fashioned Orcish slop-in-a-pot."

"Poisson means fish in the Breton tongue, believe me Kisara it will be much better than that." He pointed to where Gogron had just added a whole scrib to the pot. Kisara noticed that while they had been rough housing most of the others had snuck away. Seeing an opening Kisara winked at Vicente. 

"I don't believe you, and I wont believe you until I see the recipe."

Vicente smiled "Well then I'll prove it to you. " with that he turned on his heels and walked out Kisara right behind him. After all no one likes an Orc's cooking except an Orc.

* Fish with sorrel sauce 

I found this recipe online it looks like this

Fish with sorrel sauce (Poisson à l'oseille)

Ingredients:

For 4 servings:2 lbs. of fish filets (any non-oily white fish works with this recipe; sole, cod, lake perch, trout are all good.), skins, if any, removed2 good-sized shallots, minced1/2 c. muscadet or other acidic white wine1 2/3 c. heavy cream or crème fraîche2 bunches of sorrel leaves of about 20 leaves each, stems and veins removed (by bending stem backward) and chopped2 T. unsalted butterSalt and pepperApprox. 3 new potatoes, depending on size, per person Coarse sea salt and chopped flat-leaved parsley. 

Steam or boil the potatoes in their skins and the oven to 425 degrees a small enameled or stainless saucepan, melt 1 T. of the butter. Toss in the shallots and cook them over low heat without coloring until soft. Add the sorrel and stir, cooking gently, until the sorrel "melts." Add the wine and cook until reduced by 1/4. Add the cream and cook gently for a few minutes until the sauce naps a spoon. Do not allow to boil. Correct the seasoning and remove from , melt 2 T. butter, and dip the fish (washed, dried, and cut into portion-sized pieces) into it on both sides. Place them in a single layer in a shallow dish and roast until done (about 15 minutes per inch of thickness). You may turn on the broiler for the last couple of minutes to brown them a pool of sauce on each plate. Top with the fish and garnish with the potatoes sprinkled with a bit of sea salt and chopped parsley. The rich sauce is as delicious with the potatoes as with the with sorrel sauce is a staple of French cookery. If you've never cooked with sorrel, now's the time to try. Its gentle acidity and ability to "melt" when cooked make it a perfect complement to fish, veal, and eggs. In this recipe, the sorrel acts with the wine as an acidifier in an emulsion sauce similar to a Béarnaise in technique, but much easier. If you can't find sorrel in your supermarket, by all means plant some. It's as easy to grow as a weed, which it practically is, being a close relative to dock. When it starts to bolt in early summer, cut the flowering stems for arrangements and you'll continue to get leaves throughout the summer into early winter. Gardeners in mild regions can enjoy sorrel all year. It is perennial. 


End file.

Elder Scroll series, Humor