Harry Potter The worst Valentines love story of James and Lily

The worst Valentines love story of James and Lily

By **SuperGirl**

A/N: Welcome to the boring, crappy author note section.

I know I own nothing, quiet apparent when I come home to- nothing. I do own my own twisted schemes and quiet frankly this is meant to be funny, why? It's humor. I am rounding up multiple clichés once again, why? E-mails mostly request from here and other sites that host my demented views on things or fan fiction as well. Serious is Sirius Black. Peter is retarded and dropped off a third flight as a child, no one likes him and ah yes, before I forget the clichés are in here. Once original plots taken apart, re-wrote done again and again, why? I have no idea, some make me laugh though. Here it is the Valentines edition of the 'clichés' that's all I have so far on the title of the grouping here hmm. I'm making fun of them rolling into one horrible story for you, also please review kindly.

CAUTION MEANT TO BE SILLY ON PURPOSE. Did I mention clichés? This story contains references to the pop-coulter's 'peanut butter jelly' song. You don't know it; look for a video with a singing banana. Warning Sirius Black is in the Banana costume in this. Read at one's own risk and meant to be not taken seriously.

**The worst Valentines love story of James and Lily.**

In Griffindor common room, time 7 AM. Date February 14th James and Lily's 7th year at Hogwarts school of Witch-Craft and Wizardry. James last chance! (Were going to pretend it's Saturday since the author didn't have time to look up the date online of the week.)

Four boys in the seventh year stood together plotting. The leader was James Potter, who wore glasses had black messy hair brown eyes and looked like he was going on 40 years old, not as tall and skinny as thought and had early balding occurring. His parents were old, and he was adopted, and didn't want to tell him either, his father was none other then Thomas Riddle! None-the-less he was top student and head boy. He was also 'Master of pranks' and 'Stalker of Lily Evans'. He was the leader of the group the Marauders.

James' best friend was Serious Black who has dark hair and gray eyes and is tall and skinny. He is into motorcycles, gay bars and Remus Lupin. He enjoyed long walks on the beach, pina-coladas, getting caught in the rain, having sex at midnight and if you weren't into yoga that was okay. He looked fabulous in purple as well as anything shinny. To top it off he also was in-love with his other friend Remus Lupin who was a werewolf. (Very Grr baby!)

It was concluded that Remus was also gay, even though Remus was in love with a first year girl with pink hair a young Mrs. Tonks. Remus was sandy-haired tall lean scrawny, bowlegged. He often would be caught tutoring the first-year girls when not pranking Slytherins with his friends. He one day wanted to find a cure to his condition, being a werewolf. Also the cramps were dreadful as well. He was also usually harassed by Serious, but did nothing since he's a werewolf and werewolves are usually shy and do nothing, but read. This also could be the reasoning behind why he thought James Potter was coolest person he knew.

Then there was the last boy, Peter. Who's Peter? Well no-one likes Peter at all and most of the time he is not recognized at all with his friends. His nick-name is **Beefy-tits **with his friends. Why, well in short, he's a fat-fuck and a traitor and no-on likes him, so he doesn't get to be around his friends ever or have an important impact in their lives. Also the boy's hate him since he was determined to be a traitor, but do to a contract can't say anything.

Then finally there is the fifth member of the Marauders, yes fifth member of the group, a female prankster. Oh god yes, who happens to be James' only cousin and possibly his sister twin even! The look just alike too with dark hair and wears glasses too since all Potter's wear glasses. Anyways her name is Violet and she's in Lily's female band with all members with flower names the FLOWERS who play music from the 21st century though they live in the 1970s.

She's also in love with Serious, who's in love-with Remus who likes a eleven year old girl. The problem is James likes her best friend Lily, and OH my GHOD she totally doesn't know James exist. Sure they been in the same house in all for like seven years, but give the girl a break, hot chicks get excuses. Then, Oh my! Another problem-O!

There is Diggory, sure he's like 3 or 4 years older then them, but were going to use him as the antagonist in this because we can. Lily's boyfriend and Huggle-puff captain of the Team and James' arch rival. Why is he the arch rival, because it's call improvising? For three years James has tried to date Lily, but she can't see people below her coolness or popularity even though James is popular in all to Remus.

Now moving along with the plot… James and Violet team up to bring him and Lily together before the end of seventh year. Also she and Serious together, even though he's hot for Remus and keeps leaving him these messages form a secret admire. James knows he is gay and isn't affected by it, but is using his cousin to get Lily. However no-one likes Peter, why? Duh he's a traitor and smells like cheese. Hence the nickname, _Beefy-tits_.

Anyways the group met up this morning for a reason. To bring there plan into action. Being seventh year they have to get together on Valentines Day! While going down the stairs Violet knocks Peter off the railing and he impacts the ground below. She notices, but the Marauders don't really care to notice, but Remus who says nothing because he's shy. No one notices this mostly because no one likes him.

"What's the plan?" Violet asks the now three boys. "Plan?" Serious asks confused. Since Serious is the pretty-but hot guy who's just there to look good he's not allowed to think for himself. "Violet and I plan to break up Lily and Diggory up." said James rubbing his hands together. Not to add in that part including Serious in the equation.

"Oh." said Serious thinking about that plan. "Why?" he asked looking back up to James.

Remus glared at Serious. "He's stalking her since he has nothing better to do with head-boy duties, captain duties, tormenting Snape, who doesn't get an appearance just mentioning in this story and up coming finals." he replied rolling his eyes at the boy oddly. Serious smiled at Remus he loved it when he was annoyed at him, it was HOT. Remus shivered and felt ill as a thought popped in his head.

"Isn't Diggory like twenty years old by now?" asked Remus confused.

"Not the point." replied Violet crossing her arms as her eyes looked at Serious admiring his profile. "He's here even though his son is like born by now, pay attention we don't base anything on facts or care." she replied left hooking Remus who fell over slightly into Serious.

"No, he goes to school here and dates my Lily!" cried James who pouted. "It's not fair!" he whined. "Since I am rich I get what I want and what's love got to- got to- with it! It's just an emotion!"  
"Poor silly-James." said Serious. "Gives me a hugs!" he said in a high pitched voice. This caused Violet to jump up and hug Serious. "I need one." she said jumping up, trying to jump into his embracing, unfortunately missed her mark and feel into Remus.

"My BALLS!" the werewolf cried.

Continuing on…

"Here's the plan, we kill him take him out then Lily will cry and I can have her to myself." said James proud of this plan surly to work number 345.

Just then across the room Lily entered as if on cue. She was fallowed by two other girls, Rose and just Flower, her mom wasn't as original. Anyways they all wore six inch platforms, white knee-highs high up skirts, no ties but tied shirts above there ribs and wore there hair styled perfectly, had model-like bodies and were in no way effect from the 1970s in style and all had pink cell phones with them all the time.

Just as they reached the bottom step a sound filled the common room causing the girls all to look at their phones at once in their HiFi ringer from Verizon was going off.

_My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, _

_And they're like It's better than yours, _

_Damn right it's better than yours, ..._

"Hello."

"Hello."

"Hello?"

"She's perfect." said James leaning on Remus for support as droll and snot rolled out of his perched lips and from his nose. As he gazed down the stairs at the girl on the phone talking named Lily Evans. "Help me." muttered a voice from something as the girls walked over not noticing.

"Oh no he didn't." said the girl Lily stomping down on something that squeaked. The other two girls listened in interested in her conversation. "Boy, what I say?" she yelled in the phone getting pissed off because, well **_oh no he didn't._**

"He didn't." said Rose. Flower gasped alarmed.

"Oh my god something touched my leg." Rose yelped as she jumped up kicking the wounded Peter on the ground ignoring the plea for help. "Hhhelp." Peter gasped out holding his broken side as a single tear rolled down.

"Nasty." the girls said leaving the common room not noticing there other band member or three boys on the stairs the whole time.

"Okay I am in." said Serious Black admiring there shoes as they left.

"Okay," said Remus dragging. "For you James." he said as James hugged him making Serious jealous. "Okay what do we do?" asked Violet.

"We kill him." said James clasping his hands together.

"We can't do dark-magic." said Violet gasping in horror shock.

"I know," said Serious. "Hit him with a bat!"

"Bloody-brilliant!" said James.

"Agree. Many, many, many times!" chanted in Violet hugging Serious lovingly.

"We could go to jail?" stammered Remus.

"And?" said Serious questioning him.

"And men can get you- know in jail by other men!"

"I- Just don't seem to see a problem with this?" said Serious raising an eyebrow. "Ghod!"

"What the fuck?" questioned Remus.

"Peanut-butter jelly-time!" said Serious who ran upstairs pushing Violet away. Remus and Violet looked at James oddly as Serious came down in a Banana costume.

"Holy-"

"Why does he have that on?" asked Violet pointing.

Serious looked down. "Duh Peanut-butter Jelly time."

"Ready James?" asked Serious. James nodded as he flicked his wand and started some rap music up from no-where. "Rap-e-o Music-o"

"Peanut Butter Jelly. It's peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time. Hit 'em with a BAT!" they sang in unison. They were getting down with there bad selves.

"Good god." gasped Remus when they finished. "That's how your killing Diggory?" asked Remus.

"Pretty much." said James.

Meanwhile, while that was going on Peter left the common room sad and depress since no-one seen or noticed he fell off of the stairs then was trampled on by three sets of platform heels leaving marks over his body and face. As he was walking he was grabbed by the arm. Gasping he looked up and seen Lucius Malfoy of all people. "Who are you?" he gasped shocked.

"Lucius Malfoy." he said looking the boy over pointing at his name badge that read, 'my name is Lucius Malfoy' on it.

"Why did you grab me?" Peter asked scared.

"I do that to everyone, I don't know why." he said slowly as he looked around all creepy like.

"Aren't you like seven years older then me?" Peter squeaked out.

"And?"

"You're here at school, what do you want?" Peter asked looking at the wand in Malfoy's hand by his face. "Do you have change for a five?" he asked glaring at Peter.

"What?" Peter squeaked out.

"I need to get the dark lord a Pepsi and all I have is a five on me." he said.

"Oh." squeaked Peter grabbing out quarters handing them. "Keep them." he stammered as Malfoy let go of him. Yet Pepsi wasn't around for another few years, went unnoticed.

"Thanks that was…peachy." Lucius said slowly. "Want to join a club?" he asked Peter.

"A club?" he asked as he dusted himself off, you know getting dirty from being picked up.

"Yeah, like Fight-Club, without Brad Pitt, and we play monopoly, wear all black robes, skulls of the muggles on our faces and share cooking recipes. I brought a nice acorn-squash one I seen on Martha-Stewart living last week-"

"Wow." gasped Peter.

"I know." said Lucius.

"I have school though." pouted Peter.

"It's Saturday." remind Lucius Malfoy .

"I hate my life no one likes me." cried Peter.

"Well if I was a whinny bitch I hate myself too."

So the two went off into the dark and history was made…

Just as James, Violet, Remus and Serious entered the Great hall where Lily and her friends when something happened. Something crazy! Time opened up and a phone both popped in from no-where. The door opened up and stumbled out three teenagers from the booth in similar uniforms, but different since it was the seventh year from there year they came from all future-like.

"Wow, dude." cried a red-haired boy.

"Where the fuck are we?" yelled a bushy-haired girl shoving the red hair over.

"Dude we are in the past again." said a boy with a lit joint in his hand coming from the phone booth. His name was Harry Potter. "Rufus is going to be mad-"

"Wicked."

Everyone in the hall stopped and was watching this including the professors who do not get speaking rolls. "Be awesome to one another!" said the boy stepping out, okay stumbling out. The three looked up and over at the boy in the Banana costume then over at the flower girls.

"Serious?" gasped out the boy with the joint.

"Yea." he replied. "Where did you get a phone booth at?"

"Serious Black?" he asked.

"Why the bloody hell are you in a giant Banana costume?" asked the bushy haired girl Hermione eyes fearful.

"Peanut-butter Jelly time!" Serious said rolling his eyes.

"Ahh!" the three time-travelers replied. "Good times." said Ron nodding.

"Who are you?" asked Violet.

"Harry." the boy smoking replied smiling and winked at her. "I'll tap your ass latter babe things to do, things to do. We'll fall in love then you'll like die and I'll go back all sad to Ginny, why? Fuck I don't know something to do with my mother."

"Harry, who are you people and why are you here?" Remus asked.

"Umm..."

"Were here to hit Diggory with a Bat." said Ron the red-haired boy pulling a bat out from the phone booth. Across the hall every turned and looked at the 20 year old Huggle-Puff eating his cheerios. "What?" Diggory asked gasping.

"Were here to set Lily Evans and James Potter up!" yelled Hermione.

"What?" gasped Lily.

"He has money." suggested Violet to her friend.

"Really?"

"More then Diggory and he's the head boy."

"When did that happen?"

"When school started?"

"Why didn't anyone tell me?" Lily asked upset looking at her friends who didn't understand what was going on either. "Oh my _Ghod_!"

"You were there you know." remarked Remus.

"Na-uh." she replied.

"Yeah, don't you remember…" said Remus as we fade into flash back scene.

Dumbledore was talking during his first of the year speech.

"And this year's head boy is James Potter and head Girl is Lily Marie-Jolie-Rose-Emily-Katherine-Lilac-ButterCup Blah-blah- Evans"

End Flash back…

"Oh."

"So Lily will you marry me?" asked James holding out a giant ring for her like J-Lo had from Ben Affleck.

"Aren't you like forty-years old?" she asked looking at his balding spot.

"No I'm Seventeen, I have matured balding."

"You look forty-year old." she said crossing her arms.

As the two continued to talk the three time travelers continued to beat Diggory with a bat as Serious Black danced the 'Peanut-Butter Jelly time' song random students helped them beat him without probable cause.

"Help me." gasped Diggory as darkness overcame him.

"Fine, long as your rich." said Lily rolling her eyes taking the ring.

"Yea for me." said James as he hopped around and hugged her.

"Oh my god I want to get married too!" cried Rose.

"Me too." said Flower.

The two hugged at that moment and everyone in the hall gasped in shock then let out an 'awe' from there cuteness.

Just then a puff of smoke and a bunch of dark cloaked men came out from no-where. "**Oh my god**." cried a student scared. "It's Michael Jackson!" they said referring to the creepy man Lord Voldemort.

"_Oh no It's Lord Voldemort_." cried Harry who paused from beating Diggory who remained in fetal position. "And he's here to try to kill me, again."

"Poor Harry." said Hermione holding up a bloody bat and hugged him.

"Why is it always, poor Harry?" question Ron jealous.

"Actually I'm here to kill James-Potter, but I can kill you too." said the dark lord.

Just then everyone was kung-fu wizardry. It was so frightening. Death-eater and Peter verse the whole school. After 5 minuets the death eaters left and the day was saved, thanks to Harry Potter and friends. The death-eaters left, but Peter who stayed and no one noticed his outfit or his skull on his face.

"Who are you?" asked Lily being held by James.

"Harry, duh I mentioned that earlier."

"We have to go." said Hermione touching Harry shoulder he nodded.

"Wait." cried Serious. The three time travelers stopped.

"Yes." they replied. Serious smiled. "One more time please." he asked in his Banana costume.

"Serious I love you!" cried Violet. There was a pause.

"I'm gay." he replied. "Duh."

"What?" she gasped in shock and horror.

"Duh, why else would I wear a Banana costume in public if I wasn't bother by in-due-windows. Besides you're like James' sister" GASP from the hall.

"Anyways, not interested!"

"Why?"

"I love Remus!" he yelled the girls in the room all said 'awe' at the same time. Serious blushed some and glanced at Remus who didn't look happy.

Remus who was watching and listening grew ill as Serious ran over and gave him a kiss while remaining in the Giant Banana costume. After Remus passed out it was time for another musical interlude.

"Peanut Butter Jelly! Its peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time! HIT 'EM WITH A BAT!" they sang in unison.

And everyone lived happier ever-after, but for Violet who never got Serious, Serious who never got Remus and Remus who didn't get that cut pink haired girl. The two girls in the band, they are not important enough to mention. And Snape who got no major role in this part, but was later hit with a bat for no apparent reason from James Potter during a song.

A/N: Silly I know the point some things are repeats of once grand ideas over used. So did you catch the clichés in here? Have you done some plots in here? This was to entertain the "Peanut Butter Jelly! Its peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time! HIT 'EM with a bat!" is a song made fun of though the net, Google :"Peanut Butter Jelly Time Lyrics." and see if you can watch a clip of the dancing banana. Most of all I hope this made someone's day.

Happy Holidays.

SuperGirl


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Harry Potter, Humor, Romance