Harry Potter 1. Chapter 1

**WARNING! This story has a very distinct reason for being rated M. This story contains sexual abuse, hate crimes, and a very strong religious theme showing Catholicism/Christianity in both negative and positive ways….if any of this will offend you, I ask that you not read it. I am not out to make anyone angry or attack anyone's faith. I am a Christian myself, and this story is not intended to reflect my personal faith or that of anyone else. This is merely artistic expression. **

**Also, this story contains mild spoilers for my other story "Freaks and Geeks."**

You Belong To Me

Chapter 1

I've always been a selfish bastard, and I've never made any claims otherwise. When I find something that I want or need, I will go to any lengths to get it, and I will never let go once I have it. Those who know me best understand this about me. The smart ones respect me for it. They see what I am and why. You see, St. Paul was wrong: love is a selfish thing. Anyone who says differently is either a liar or a fool. Selfishness can be something to keep two people together when there is nothing else left. I have always wanted Remus, and I never let him go…even when he wanted me to. In the end, I think that we are both happier for it.

When I think back on my life, there are definite gaps. It's not so much that I don't remember, but more that I don't care to. My childhood and early adolescence weren't really much to talk about. I had the typical broken home with divorced parents and a verbally abusive father. My family tree wasn't so typical. My mother hailed from the Princes of Maine, the family that owns the shipping company. She did a damned stupid thing when she married my father, and they weren't willing to forgive and forget when we came knocking on their door. We were a bitter bunch. Even at a young age I was sullen and anti-social.

At thirteen, I was put into Hogwarts boarding school in northern New York. There was never any doubt that I was destined to be an outcast. Whether or not I was at fault for my social status is something that can be debated. From day one, there was a group of boys that were determined to test every ounce of my patience. I met Sirius Black and James Potter on the train to school. The pair was seated behind the only available spot, and I sat down hoping to melt into the interior unnoticed. The first time Sirius kicked the back of the seat, I ignored it. Sneering to myself, I was not about to let the petty little shit get to me. Then it happened again with more force. I stood up and faced the snickering pair.

"Could you please stop that?" I asked eyeing them coldly. The boy on the right, James, was tall and thin with pale skin, unruly black hair, and wire rimmed glasses that sat over his brown eyes. The other boy, Sirius, was disgustingly handsome. He was obviously half Arab. His golden skin and jet black eyes and hair made no mistake about that. Both of them were smirking at me smugly. I hated them both instantly.

"You know, I really don't know why I should. Go sit someplace else, and leave that seat for someone worth talking to," Sirius said arrogantly. "In fact, go sit with the charity cases over there. There used to people smelling like shit."

"Fuck you!" I snapped. Few people had ever baited me like that, and even at thirteen I had my pride.

"Mr. Snape!" I heard the commanding voice from behind me so I turned to face the speaker. There was a spinsterly looking woman of forty or so behind me with her black hair pulled back into a bun "You are already treading on thin ice before you've even reached the school. Apologize to these young men and find another seat. I will not have you causing problems the entire way."

"Sorry," I mumbled glaring at them.

They were both smiling like angels, and the old hag bought it. "We're sorry, Professor. We didn't mean to kick his seat," Sirius told her with a sugary sweet tone. "My legs got cramped."

"Mr. Black, you should be more considerate…and that goes for you too, Mr. Potter. Now, let's get settled again, shall we?"

That one little incident summed up my entire first four years at Hogwarts. Black and Potter were part of a little foursome that called themselves "The Marauders." The pair had been life-long best friends, and they were joined by a fat, little toady named Peter Pettigrew and bookish, tawny haired boy named Remus Lupin. Together they formed an impenetrable bond. Though they were easily the most popular boys in school, they didn't let anyone in their circle. They charmed the entire school into playing their little games. From the seventh grade to the eleventh, they made my life hell and always came out smelling like roses. They were the proverbial Teflon boys. Black was caught red handed more times than I can count, and I don't think he ever got more than a stern word…except once. That one time would change my life.

To tell this tale, I suppose I should start with the first month of school my eleventh grade year. My schedule was fairly normal, or rather, normal for me. I had taken every advanced class Hogwarts offered including advanced literature. Literature had never been my strong suit. I found most fiction utterly detestable. Why read something if it isn't true? That was my reasoning. I loathed Shakespeare more than most for the ridiculousness in most of his plays. Of course, a large part of eleventh grade literature at Hogwarts was Shakespeare. The first play we read was _A Comedy of Errors, _which I found to be one of the most moronic things I had ever read.

The old lit teacher at Hogwarts, Professor Howard called me into his office one day after class. I assumed it was to praise me for my work on the latest essay and exam. My grades had never been anything other than flawless. You can imagine my shock when he set a pair of F's on the desk. "Severus, my boy, I fear you are in for a bit of trouble this year. This class is not your average English class. I'm not here to teach you grammar or basic literary analysis. I am here to teach you how to appreciate and evaluate great works. This will not do," he said shaking his head. "You are the brightest student at this school. Both you and Lily Evans are the brightest students I have ever seen, in fact. That is why I am not going to let you falter."

I bowed my head trying to hide my disgust. I wanted to tell him what absolute garbage this class was, and be done with it, but I held my tongue. "I will study harder, sir," I assured him.

The elderly man smiled. "I don't doubt that you will, but I have made other arrangements as well."

I raised an eyebrow. "Other arrangements?"

"Do you do any clubs or extracurricular activates?"

"Only chemistry club," I said cautiously. This was not shaping out to be a good conversation.

"How often do you meet?"

"Once every other week. Why, sir?"

"Very good," he said with a nod. He completely ignored my question and sat down behind his desk. "This will work out well."

As if on cue, there was a knock at the door. Remus Lupin stepped in shyly. He glanced at me nervously and then turned to Professor Howard. "Sorry I'm late, sir."

I was about to gag as I watched the old man beam. "Not a problem at all!"

"Should I leave you?" I asked, praying that he would say yes.

"No, Severus, Remus is here because I have already asked him to be your tutor."

My jaw nearly dropped. He was going to be MY tutor? Never in my life had I ever had a tutor! The idea was absolute degrading, and I was hair's breadth away from telling him that. "Is this necessary?" I asked trying to conceal my anger.

He nodded. "I think it is. Remus is wonderful at this kind of thing. He'll have you up to speed in no time."

I could have choked the old fool. Remus Lupin was his star student. It sickened me that he showed such blatant favoritism just because Lupin had won a few poetry contests. Poetry was absolute frivolous bullshit, if you asked me—which no one ever did. There was nothing special about Lupin. In Lupin's favor, he said nothing through this little meeting.

"Are you sure this is necessary?" I asked again.

Again, I was ignored. "I'll let you boys decide when and where to meet. You can go now."

Outside, I glared at Lupin for all I was worth. He didn't seem to care very much. In fact, he simply asked me, "When do you want to do this?"

"Oh, you think this is funny, don't you?" I spat.

He sighed and shook his head. "Why would I?"

Barely able to contain my anger, I stalked off. "Tomorrow after dinner," I commanded over my shoulder. I didn't care if it was convenient for him or not. Why should I give a damn about his schedule?

I brooded the whole way back to the Slytherin dorms. The Marauders were probably laughing their asses off about this. I could only imagine what those morons had to say. Why Howard couldn't have picked someone else—anyone else—was beyond me. It stung that on of "them" was going to see my humiliation, and where one of those bastards went the others were sure to follow. This was a damned catastrophe! Even dealing with that obnoxious Evans girl would be better than this.

I found the common room rather deserted. Rodolphus Lestrange and Lucius Malfoy were sitting playing a game of chess in front of the fire. Lucius looked up at me after making his move. "You look happy," he commented dryly.

I snorted. "I have to have a fucking tutor in lit class," I mumbled.

Lestrange's head snapped up. "You? Sweet Christ, I'm glad I didn't take that class then."

With Rodolphus' attention elsewhere, Lucius made his move to win the game. He never was one to miss an opportunity. "Who did they pair you up with? It's not that red haired thing that Potter's fucking is it?" he asked with a sneer. Lucius thought it was appalling that the school was giving out scholarships. He wouldn't be caught dead talking to anyone of that kind.

"Lupin," I replied.

Lucius sat back thoughtfully. "So instead of Potter's fuck buddy, you get Black's?"

"What?"

Rodolphus laughed. "It looks like he didn't know," he said to Lucius.

"There have been rumors," Lucius said in a rather blasé tone. "I always knew Lupin was a little faggot, but I never thought Black would be the one fucking him up the ass."

"While you two are sitting around talking about fags, I am going to go get laid," Rodolphus announced suddenly as he stood up. He had a long-term relationship with Bellatrix Black, Sirius' cousin, and by "relationship" I mean he had been sleeping with her for a year.

With Rodolphus gone, I took the seat opposite Lucius, and began resetting the board. Lucius was the only one who ever beat me at chess. We were both equally meticulous and calculating. Maybe that was why we got along so well. Neither of us minced words or wasted time. We couldn't be considered average teenage boys by any stretch of the imagination. My coldness was inborn, but Lucius' was something that had been drilled into him. His father was one of the most powerful men in the business world, and also one of the most hated. He thought nothing of buying and selling smaller companies for a gain with no regard to what it did to the employees. Someday, that legacy would belong to Lucius.

"So what are you going to do about it?" he asked taking one of my pieces.

"Hmph, as if I have a choice? Professor Howard all but threatened to fail me," I said darkly. Finally, I managed to take his knight.

"No one would dare tell me that." That was no lie either. Gregory Malfoy had donated more money to the school than anyone else. There was even talk of naming a new library after him. No, there wasn't a single person in the school who would make Lucius do anything he didn't want to do. I, however, was not Lucius Malfoy.

I lost the game mainly because I was too frustrated to focus on the pieces on the board. It annoyed me to no end that I was being forced to spend time with one of the Marauders, even if it was the quiet one. Lupin was less of an asshole than the others, but that was only because he said the least. Usually, he shrunk into the background when the others were about their mischief. Only once or twice, could I ever remember him making a rude comment, and that was normally only after I had baited one of the others. No, I was not going to take this lightly.

The next evening, I found Lupin waiting for me alone in the library. I was a little surprised that Potter and Black weren't hiding in the wings somewhere. He was sitting at a table deeply engrossed in a book. After a minute, I cleared my throat irritably. He set the book aside, and smiled at me. "Ready?"

I glared at him and sat down. "I don't think this is the best idea."

He shrugged. "What could it hurt?"

Not my grade, I thought dryly. Without a word, I pulled out my book, and flipped to the first act of _The Merchant of Venice._ To my dismay, Remus began reading off the roles, splitting them between us.

"I already read the play, Lupin. You don't need to read it to me," I snapped. My patience was already wearing thin.

"Yes, but this is the best way to study Shakespeare," he countered. "It gives you a better appreciation for it."

"I can't appreciate this idiotic bullshit. It's completely ridiculous! There is no reason to bother reading this, and I don't understand why they keep forcing it on us."

Remus laughed. The boy actually laughed! Yet, it wasn't as if he was making fun of me, or being malicious. "It is idiotic, but it's also very funny."

I rolled my eyes. "Trust you to find value in cheap humour."

I stood up to go, but he caught me by the wrist. "Wait. I promise I won't laugh anymore." He looked sincere, and I sat back down. "Now," he said calmly, "I wasn't joking when I said that it is the best way to study Shakespeare. It helps you remember things about the play, and even gives you a better feel for the characters. Even if you don't care about the content, I know you care about your grade."

There was no way I could really argue with that. Despite all of my moaning, I did care about my grades. I knew that my "dear" grandparents were never going to foot the bill for my college education. They only sent me to Hogwarts because it would have been such an embarrassment for a Prince, even only a half Prince, to go to public school. I made sure I took advantage of their "generosity" by working my ass off to get into a good university. I had my eye on MIT, and I was not going to screw it up with damned Shakespearean bullshit.

That night, we went through almost the entire first act together. Remus had much more enthusiasm for it than I did. He read each voice differently, and even managed to make certain bits dry enough to get me to smirk ever so slightly. I read for Shylock, and I began to suspect that he hadn't randomly given me the part. I let it go, because I wasn't going to drag this out any longer. An hour was more than enough for me.

While I packed up, I noticed Black appear from what seemed like thin air. He smiled at me with that twisted look of his, and I felt my blood begin to boil. "Learning anything, Snivellus?" he asked with mock concern.

"Why don't you worry about your own grades, Black? I think you might end up taking ninth grade algebra again if you don't," I fired back. Everyone knew that he had repeated several classes last year.

His featured hardened. "You fucking bastard!"

"Sirius! Leave him alone," Remus stepped in. He picked up his own bags. "We have to go meet James anyway."

"I'm sure Potter's missing his lapdog."

"Oh, that's it, Snape. You watch your ass!"

At that point I lost all control. "I thought it was only Lupin's ass you were concerned with."

Remus blanched, and I waited for the hit. It never came though. I saw that Lupin had a hold of Sirius' shoulders. "He's not worth it, Sirius."

The look in Black's eyes told me that it was far from over, but I was not going to be intimidated by someone like him. I had known bullies all of my life—I even owed half of my genes to one—and I was not going to be cowed by Black. The fact that someone else may be affected by grudge never entered my mind. I was more likely to write Lupin off as just another one of the bullies. After all, he was a Marauder.


	2. Chapter 2

**WARNING! This is where things may get offensive to some people as far as religion goes. Keep in mind that I will be showing the goods side of religion later, but for a little while it is going to be pretty dark.**

Chapter 2

Some people may think that, given time, I would have come to regret my treatment of Lupin. Those people obviously don't know me. The next day, I had all but forgotten the hurt look on his face as he coaxed Black away. I was more concerned with my own pride. How dare they ambush me like that! I blamed myself for thinking Lupin would be much different.

I saw the group of them out on the lawn the next afternoon during lunch. Black and Potter were throwing a football back and forth, while Lily and Lupin sat under willow tree. Lily saw me right off and glared at me. I had clashed with the red-headed nightmare on more that one occasion. Lupin barely spared me a glance. Avoiding the whole scene, I turned to walk away.

WHAM! The blow nearly knocked me off my feet. I raised a hand to the back of my head where the ball had hit, and turned with a scathing stare to Black. "Didn't see you there, Snivellus," he said with a smile.

"You fucking bastard!"

Potter stepped in front of Black. "I don't think anyone here qualifies as a bastard, but you. Go cry to your whorish mother. God knows the only reason your father ever married her was because he was hoping to get some cash out of it."

A wash of anger clouded my mind. "What right do you have to pass judgment on anyone? You're no better than the rest of us no matter what your daddy tells you! Just because you fuck your tramp and you play hockey doesn't make a god. It only makes you an imbecile for thinking that's what matters! But how can I expect someone as stupid as you are to grasp that?"

Black started laughing. "You really are a pathetic loser. No one can stand you, and that's never going to change. Here," he said reaching into his pocket and pulling out a twenty. "Go buy yourself a cheap whore. It's the only way you'll ever get laid. Just because you can't get some ass doesn't mean you have to take it out on those of us who can."

I'm not sure who hit who first…. though Black probably threw the first punch. Before I knew it, Black and I were at each other's throats. I managed to knock him to the ground, but he was much stronger than I was and it didn't last. Vaguely, I heard the voices around us calling for us to stop. Lily had a death grip on Potter's arm keeping him from the fight, and Peter had suddenly disappeared. With my strength almost gone, I was surprised to feel Black's weight hauled off of me. Remus was holding him back speaking into his ear. All I could hear was my own heart as I pushed to my feet.

In the bathroom, I collapsed against the wall. Pain radiated from just about every point on my body, but I would be damned if I would go to the nurse and have to explain that I had been beaten up by the school angel. I touched my lip, and winced as I looked down at my own blood. I truly did hope that Black rotted in the deepest part of hell. I closed my eyes, and leaned back onto the cold wall. First there were steps and then running water, but I couldn't summon up the effort to open my eyes until I heard him.

"Here, let's get you cleaned up." Remus was crouched down beside me holding out a damp cloth.

"What do you care, Lupin?" I snapped as I grabbed the cloth.

He watched me as I dabbed at my split lip. Finally, he shrugged. "I don't care about you specifically. I simply don't like seeing someone get hurt."

"Such a bleeding heart."

He laughed. " A little, maybe."

"Shouldn't you be cleaning up your boyfriend?" I sneered. His very presence irritated me.

"Sirius can handle himself. He shouldn't have thrown the ball at you, but you shouldn't have taunted him. It was almost even in my mind about who to pity."

"And just what makes you think I need pity?"

"I guess you don't. How's your head? I know Sirius has a good arm."

I touched the knot at the back of my skull tentatively. "It hurts, you moron."

Lupin nodded. "But judging from the fact that your lucid, I think you'll live."

"Yes, I will, and you can leave me the hell alone thank you very much. I don't need you," I said angrily. I couldn't take anymore of his false kindness.

He sighed and left me there. I didn't know why he came to me in the first place—that bit of information would elude me for years to come—but deep down I was a bit sorry that he was gone. I skipped the rest of my classes that day. All I wanted was an aspirin, and some sleep.

Two days later, I took the first test on _The Merchant of Venice. _Professor Howard had broken the play into three tests and two essays over three weeks. I had finished my essay the day before it was due, and taken the time to read, reread, and reread my essay again. There were absolutely no grammar or spelling mistakes on the entire paper. This had to be an improvement from the last time, I told myself. There was simply no way that

I could fail again. I tapped my pen nervously on the cover of my blue book as I waited for the exam to begin. When I turned it over and began reading the questions, I found that Lupin's voice would pop into my head as I thought back for the answers. I was just sure that the annoying voice had destroyed my concentration enough to fail me.

It didn't surprise me in the least when Professor Howard called me back to his office, but I was surprised as to why. "I knew it! You and Remus must have gotten along famously. If anyone can teach you Shakespeare, it's Remus. Severus, my boy, you did wonderfully!" he praised handing me my papers.

I looked over them with a sinking feeling in my gut. Out of one hundred questions, I had only missed five on the entire exam. My essay on Shylock was near flawless as well. That annoying voice in my head had helped me out after all. There was simply no living this down. "Yes, he was a very big help," I admitted sullenly.

Howard didn't seem to notice my sour mood. He went right on. "You know that Remus is one of the best young writers I have ever seen. I say he has more talent than any of the hacks they publish these days. He has just the right frame of mind for that sort of thing, and apparently for teaching as well. You two would do well to learn from each other. Hogwarts has so many fine young minds, and you all need to band together."

"Am I dismissed, sir?" I asked trying to hold down my lunch.

"Oh, yes certainly! Go find Remus and tell him. I'm sure he'll be very proud of you."

"Of course," I grumbled sarcastically.

Of all the rotten luck! Now I had even less of a choice about working with Lupin. Even at seventeen I wasn't foolish enough to let a grudge jeopardize my future at MIT. With the averages, I was still only at a mid-range C. There was time to bring it up, but I wasn't going to take any chances.

I spent most of my evening searching for Lupin. It was thoroughly annoying that he was nowhere to be found. In fact, I hadn't seen a single one of the quartet since the end of classes. I searched the entire campus. The thought did occur to me that they had snuck off, but it seemed unlikely that they would leave in the afternoon. Most of the students who managed to steal away only did so in the dead of night after the professors had done their rounds.

Finally, I saw Lily sitting underneath the willow. I grimaced as I went up to her. "Have you seen Lupin?"

She didn't even look up from her book. "No."

"Do you have any idea where he might be?"

"No."

"Oh, so I suppose you don't know where any of them are?"

"No."

"Well, thank you for the enlightening bit of conversation," I sneered.

"Your welcome," she replied lifelessly. The book never dropped a millimeter.

At dinnertime, I saw them all come in and take their places as the reigning gods of Gryffindor. I took my own seat beside Lucius, and glared at them.

"Still moaning, Severus?" Lucius asked with disinterest.

"Hmpf, perhaps. I suppose they don't annoy you at all."

Lucius shrugged. "Black's going to get himself disinherited, Potter's too much of an idiot to do much with his father's business when the time comes, and the other two aren't worth noticing. Why should I care?"

"Black's going to be disinherited?" I asked enjoying the thought.

Lucius smiled. "His older brother was the family darling, but Regulus joined some cult and ended up dying under strange circumstances. According to Narcissa and Bellatrix, his mother has had just about enough of him. They tell me that Black out and out told his parents he fucks men, and that he didn't give a damn what they think. His father still has some faith in him, but it is only a matter of time before that goes south. Narcissa and Bellatrix stand to become even more wealthy if their dear cousin makes a fool of himself, so I applaud his idiocy."

I thought that over for a moment. "But why do you care if Narcissa and Bellatrix inherit?"

Lucius pushed at the chicken on his plate. "Because I am going to marry Narcissa."

"She's fifteen and you barely know her. Don't you think your declaration is a bit premature?"

"Doesn't matter. She's perfect: beautiful, controllable, and most of all rich. What more could I want?" I knew that Lucius wasn't joking. His little plan shouldn't have surprised me in the least, and even then I knew that it wasn't entirely his plan. The Malfoys were an odd bunch.

After the meal, I managed to catch up to Lupin in the library. It took all of my will to keep my pride in check and speak to him. "Lupin," I greeted him after several moments.

He looked up at me and smiled. "Hello, Severus. Professor Howard caught up to me this afternoon, and told me you had good news."

I nodded reluctantly. "I do. I did very well on my test and my essay."

Lupin laughed. "I figured that out, but the professor seemed pretty convinced that you would want to tell me."

Rolling my eyes, I pulled out the chair beside him. "How do you stand him?"

"He's a good man," he replied with a shrug. "Why would I be an asshole to someone who's never done anything to me?"

The question seemed to be aimed at me, rather than being rhetorical. I knew he was thinking of the way I had treated him. I said nothing to that. At the moment, I couldn't even seem to ask for Lupin's help, so I stood to go.

"So you'll meet me here tomorrow night at six?" Lupin asked. "The next test isn't going to be for a while, but we can still study."

"That's fine," I told him proudly. Silently I was damning him for making me feel so guilty. Even if I am a bastard, I do have a conscience.

That night I tossed and turned in my bed. A nameless restlessness had begun to form inside my brain. It was rooted in so deep in my subconscious mind that I couldn't find the beginning of the whole mess…though, I did have my suspicions. I opened my eyes, and stared out at the full moon gleaming through my window. Rodolphus was snoring blissfully in the bed across from mine. Suddenly, the room became unbearable.

In my school years, I—like most boys at Hogwarts—had explored enough to know of a few of the secret passages built by Salazar Slytherin. One led straight from the bookcase in the Slytherin common room to a tunnel that ended just outside the school. The hall was dark, and I had to bring along a flashlight. In the dusty floor I could see the telltale footprints of other escapees. Many of my housemates had girlfriends in Hogsmeade. Though less devious than most, I had used it a few times, usually when Rodolphus snuck Bellatrix into our room.

The air was cool when I finally made it out. Late September was still hanging on to the summer warmth, but we all knew that wouldn't last. Cold would come and bring the "lovely" New England winter snow along with it. There is nothing more harsh and depressing than winter. For the moment, I could almost forget about that though. The clear autumn sky above was nothing short of breathtaking as it sent shimmering lights over the lake. I respected nature because it was beautiful and yet practical at the same time. People were rarely both. Needless to say, I found practicality to be far more important than beauty.

I walked along the path around the lake. It was nice to have nothing of much importance to think about for once. The only thing on my mind was that I was very glad to have my sweatshirt on. And then I saw something odd.

Near the edge of the forest rested a little shack on the other side of a chain link fence. School rumor said that the old place was haunted. Years ago, the old grounds keeper had hung himself there, and the students usually steered clear of the place. I never took the time to consider such an idiotic idea, but what I saw that night did give me a slight chill at first. A dim light shown through the broken windowpanes, and for the briefest moment, I saw a figure pass by. I squinted at the shack trying to see more, but I couldn't. Part of me wanted to turn back, but I didn't. Ignoring the pain, I managed to squeeze through a hole in the fence. I kept to the shadows as I crept up to the shack and peered in through the window. My mouth fell open at what I saw.

Black and Lupin set side by side curled up on an old cot underneath a blanket. Lupin's head was resting on Black's bare shoulder. For a second, I thought I was caught, but Black looked right on by me, and began stroking Lupin's hair. "Still mad at me, Moony?" he asked with the slightest hint of amusement.

"As if you'd care if I was." I'd never heard Lupin sound quite so sullen before.

"I do care, Remy. I love you. It's just that Snivellus bothers me. You should have let me kick his ass the first time he started shooting off his mouth about us," Black grumbled in return. He pulled the blanket up higher around them, and pulled Lupin tighter into his embrace. "All I want is to take care of you. You should let me."

Lupin smiled. "I love you, too, but not everyone is going to understand, Padfoot. You can't go around beating everyone who thinks what we do is wrong." Black raised an eyebrow as if he doubted that statement, but let Lupin continue. "And as far as Severus goes, I don't get the impression that it's your sexual preferences that make him hate you so much. You're an asshole to him, Siri, and you always have been. Maybe he is kind of strange, but it doesn't give you the right to purposely start things with him. That deal with the football was just a dick move."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. First off, it was simply inconceivable that they would disagree on anything. Secondly, it nearly gave me a heart attack to think that they were disagreeing over ME. In my shock, I must have made a sound, because Black stood up and wrapped a blanket around his waist.

"Did you hear something?" he asked.

"No, Sirius, I didn't," Remus drawled in an annoyed tone. "Don't think you can make me paranoid enough to forget that I'm pissed off at you." Lupin began to dress. "Still, we should get back. James will be wondering where you got to."

Black laughed. "You think that he doesn't know?"

The lighter haired boy blushed furiously. "Peter doesn't know. I was hoping that James wouldn't find out either."

"James isn't a dumb ass like Peter. Wormtail really is a little fucking leech. Between the Bible and the weird youth minister in town, he's gotten to be a pain in the ass. All he does is talk about how wonderful Jesus is, and that he's forgiven. I can't believe that he doesn't see what a bigoted shit head his dear minister is. What's that guys name again?"

"Reverend Riddle," Lupin supplied. "I don't like him either, but if having faith makes him happy, I am glad for Peter. Besides, there is nothing wrong with believing in God."

"So long as you are a good Christian," Black mocked. "They've converted my heathen mother, why not start turning us fags into decent people?" He seemed to find the idea amusing.

Lupin didn't see the humour in it, and frankly neither did I. "I can't believe that is what God wants."

Black's own smile faded. "You still believe in God?"

"I do. I am, after all, a good Catholic boy." Even from my hiding spot, I could see pain written across Remus' features.

Black reached out to comfort him. "I'm sorry, Remy. You know how I get about religion, and you do know that it wasn't your fault. I'd kill that bastard if I ever saw him." Maybe it was the look in those dark eyes, but I knew right then that Black meant what he said. Though I didn't know who or what he was talking about, I didn't doubt for an instant that Black had it in him to commit murder.

With each passing second, the risk of being caught was becoming more real. I hurried back through the fence, and hid behind a tree waiting to see them come out the front door. Minutes passed like hours, yet they never did come out. I was more than a little confused as I made my way back to bed.

The next evening, I waited nervously for Lupin in the library. Somehow, I was afraid that he would know that I had seen them there, that I knew their secret. It was odd, but I didn't think about them the way I thought I would. I had always thought I would find the thought of two men together more appalling than I did, and that the sight of two men lying together after obviously having had sex would be more disturbing. However—other than the fact that I found the idea of Black with anyone to be twisted—I didn't think of it like that. I'm not sure what I really thought about it. I was just more concerned with not letting on that I knew anything.

Lupin was late, and I missed my chance to nail him on it. He seemed upset that night. "Sorry," he murmured taking his place. "Where do you want to start off?"

"Shouldn't you know? You are the literary genius," I said sarcastically.

He shrugged, and opened up his book to the second act. Things were becoming more complicated than I had thought. I was oddly fascinated by what I had heard the night before. I had always had a curious nature, and I was determined to learn more about the rifts in the Marauder clan. How I longed to see them torn apart!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Weeks passed. Life at Hogwarts seemed to me to be much like it always was. I studied and kept to myself. The addition of Lupin's tutoring sessions did little to change that fact. We rarely spoke of anything besides Shakespeare, and I wouldn't consider us friends by any stretch of the imagination. I still traded insults with his friends on a frequent basis, but Sirius did seem to have lost some of his ferocity. That was undoubtedly all due to Lupin's admonishment. God knows that it wasn't out of any change of heart.

I had snuck back down to the shack on several nights, but rarely did I catch anything more going on than the pair fooling around. On one night, I did overhear a bit more of Black's groaning over something or other that Pettigrew—who I now knew to also go as Wormtail—had brought back from his time with the Reverend Riddle. Lupin once again quieted him on the whole matter, telling him that what Pettigrew believed was his own business. I have to admit, I was anxious to find out exactly what the Reverend could be doing to cause such a stir.

It was two weeks before Christmas break when I finally decided to go find out for myself. Though Hogwarts was not necessarily a religious school, it did have it's Puritan roots like most other schools and universities in New England. There was still a chapel on school grounds where they held Sunday services, as well as offered a number of religious services for students. The new headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, had seen to it that the chapel was not strictly limited to one religion. A Catholic priest, a Methodist minister, and the Presbyterian reverend all offered their services to the school. Reverend Riddle's Wednesday night youth group was by far the most popular of the events held on weeknights.

Personally, I found the existence of God to be rather debatable. I had never believed. My grandparents made a big show about going to church on Sundays, but that didn't mean I had been raised with any kind of faith. Mother didn't seem to care if there was a God; he couldn't stop her from doing as she pleased. As for my father…does it matter? All I know is that I was uncomfortable in that church group from the moment I walked through the door.

I saw Peter Pettigrew sitting in the very front row looking like a dog waiting for his master, and sneered. A few of my fellow Slytherins had also found their way into Riddle's fold. I was shocked to see Lucius sitting there, but I knew that his parents made it a point to be as waspishly predictable as possible. Before World War II, there had been some sort of scandal when Lucius' father said that he admired Hitler, but of course that was quickly pushed under the rug. After all, I knew my grandfather had similar beliefs. I took a place beside my friend, and stripped off my coat. "It seems I've been missing out," I commented nodding at the crowd.

"Not really," Lucius said with a yawn. "I only come because my father seems to think it will look good if I have faith."

"Wonderful reason for coming to church," I muttered.

He laughed. "And why are you here?"

I shrugged. "Curiosity."

"And that's better?"

I didn't get a chance to answer. Reverend Riddle entered the room with a sort of forbidding air about him. Though he was young and handsome, his eyes and features were cold as ice. The smile that came to his thin lips as he stepped up to the pulpit was no more inviting. "Good evening, gentlemen. I am glad to see some new faces among you. Perhaps you could introduce yourselves," he suggested.

One by one, the other boys said their names, and shook hands with the minister. Finally, Riddle stopped before me. "You look very familiar to me, boy," he said offering his hand. "I know you have to be Alexander Prince's grandson."

I nodded. "Severus Snape, sir," I said grudgingly.

A smile curved his lips. "And how is your mother?"

I knew there was something he was implying here, and I didn't care for it. "She's fine."

"Eileen always was a good woman," he said just loud enough for the straining ears in the room, "Yet no one is without sin. I was sorry to hear that she was forsaking her marital vows." My mother's divorce was a sore subject. Many people believed that she would be condemned to hell for it…. I had other reasons for believing that. Every eye in the room was on me, and Riddle knew it. He waited until there were a few faint whispers. Now was the time for the kill. "God forgives sin if we repent."

"I'm sure he does," I murmured under my breath.

Luckily, Riddle moved on, and finally made his way back up front. His sermon wasn't enlightening in the least, but he did seem to make a mark on those listening. Like most ministers I had known, he stuck to the old fire and brimstone. Riddle seemed to favor the theme of the times being more depraved than ever before. It took all my will to keep my eyes open through his bullshit, but I managed. Lucius somehow kept his own snores quiet.

When it was all over, I was half way to the door when I heard Riddle call my name. "Severus, I was wondering if you and I might have a chat?" he asked.

I noticed that Peter looked somewhat envious, and out of spite I agreed.

Riddle took a seat in the back pew, and motioned for me to sit beside him. "You're a great deal more intelligent than the other boys, Severus," he told me softly, as though it was a secret that only he and I knew. "I was much like you when I was younger."

"You were?" I asked humoring him.

He nodded gravely. "They envy you, and so they will not accept you."

"Lucius and I are friends," I hissed sullenly.

The reverend only smiled. "Of course you are. I only mean that Peter has told me that you aren't friends with the boys he is. In fact, he tells me that they aren't very kind to you at all."

"Does this have anything to do with the "salvation" of my soul?" I asked bitterly.

Riddle's smile only wavered for an instant. He had the practiced moves of a man who knew all too well how to use people. "It just might. God does not mean for us to be solitary creatures, Severus. We are to find fellowship with one another. Come to our meetings from now on, and I assure you that you will feel much better. Jesus grants a happiness and fulfillment that only He can."

I snorted. "I think I should go study now."

I didn't bother to say goodbye to the reverend, nor did he give me any more parting than a nod. Reverend Riddle was a strange man. To be honest though, part of me was strangely attracted to what he offered. He had stroked my ego enough to make me consider coming back, but that did not mean he had given me faith.

Faith is an odd thing. Those who have it in earnest are a blessed few. They have an amount of comfort the rest of us sorry fools will either search for the rest of our lives or renounce it for spite. To believe in something so strongly that nothing can shake it was a feeling that was foreign to me, yet I was drawn back to that chapel. I did not attend any Sunday services there, nor did I race back for more youth meetings. I came in the deserted twilight when the stained glass was just dimly glowing, and the pews were empty. I never prayed, and I rarely stayed long.

One time, I was there later than usual. I stepped through the doors just in time to see Lupin exiting the confessional followed by a bespectacled old priest. The priest's deep, richly accented voice seemed to echo louder than Riddle's ever could as he spoke: "God iz alvays vith you, my son. Ee does not harbor zhe hatred zhat ve mortals so ovten do. Ve can only love because He first loved us." He stopped speaking when he saw me, and smiled genuinely. Turning back to Lupin, he nodded. "I vill see you at mass?"

"Yes, Father," Lupin replied biting his lip. His eyes passed over me nervously as he scurried off.

I simply stood there staring at the old man. His hair was thin and still clung to a few wisps of brown between the graying strands. I judged him to be in his early sixties. The priest looked to be a man who had weathered the storms of life. "Have you come for confession, my son?" he asked me.

I shook my head. "I'm not even Catholic."

"Zhen what have you come for?" He took a seat in the pew and slid in far enough to allow me a spot.

I sat down without thinking, and shrugged.

"I am Father Pavel," he said holding out his hand.

"Severus Snape," I returned. As I took his hand, I noticed the faint appearance of numbers on his forearm just above where he had rolled his sleeves. I was not naive enough to not know where that mark had come from.

He caught my gaze, and gave a somber sigh. "Did you think zhe Jew vere the only ones zhe Nazis put in camps?"

I shook my head. "I wasn't trying to be rude," I told him honestly.

"Of course not," he agreed. "Do you like zhe chapel here?"

"I don't know. It's peaceful here. Isn't that reason enough to come?"

Father Pavel smiled. "For some, it iz; for others it iz not. Zhere are many reasons to come to a church. Almost as many reasons as zhere are as zhere are people who come. You are one of zhe boys Remus talks of."

I looked away. Morbidly, I wondered if Lupin had ever confessed about his relationship with Black. Did he think that I was the one? "And what does he say?"

"Ask him, not me," Father Pavel told me with a chuckle. He took off his glasses and began cleaning them with a cloth. "You know, vhen first I come to this country I vas still very young. I think zhere was no reason to come to zhe church because my father and mother could no longer make me. I think that God vould not care if I came or not. Zhere are other things for him to be thinking about right zhen, and I vas not much to vorry about vhen there is still so many people in zhe vorld suffering after zhe war. God thought differently of zhis. He cared zhat I did not go or pray."

"And what if there is no God?" I asked before I realized the words were on my lips. Despite my lack of faith, I was not one to be disrespectful to a priest.

Father Pavel didn't seem to be bothered by my question at all. In fact, he seemed to invite it. "I believe zhere iz a God, and it iz more zhan enough for me. If zhere vas no God, I doubt any of us vould have survived zhe Nazis. Even science cannot prove all things. Darwin himself marveled at zhe complexity of life. Man iz more zhan just random acts of some cosmic happening. Does science give you enough to make you happy even at the vorst?"

I didn't answer him. "But what if you die and you've had it all wrong?"

"Zhen nothing happens, but I vill be very sad for it. And if zhere is a God, I forward to finding the answers to my questions."

"You would question the creator of the world? Isn't that a little presumptuous?"

The priest laughed out loud. "No vonder Remus likes you so very much. Are you alvays so pragmatic?"

Frowning, I crossed my arms sullenly. "There is nothing wrong with being practical. You can't take everything on faith."

"You have answered your own question," he told me with a nod. "I vill not keep you from your peace any longer. Have a good evening, Severus."

I sat in that pew for a while longer. Between Reverend Riddle and Father Pavel, I was having my first real thoughts on God in ages. Now, I still didn't believe, and I doubted I ever would. There was too much of my nature that wouldn't allow it. The church was not a place for me. Strange, but I did not think of Riddle's group in that way. For whatever bizarre reason, I decided to go back. Perhaps I thought that I would suddenly belong there, if nowhere else.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Winter that year was exceptionally cold. Christmas came and went that year as it always did for me—with very little worth remembering. The only thing of interest that happened over the break was that my cousin Alex came home from college. Alex was the grandson to be proud of. With his curling, honey locks and sparkling blue eyes, he was every bit the golden boy. How I hated him for that! His homecoming made me thankful to be back on the platform at the train station standing in the snow. I stomped my feet, and rubbed my hands to ward off the chill. The train wasn't boarding yet, and there weren't too many people on the platform. It didn't bother me that I was standing alone. I hadn't expected my mother to stay with me, and I wasn't waiting for any of my friends.

Not long after I arrived, I saw Remus walking down the platform with a woman in her fifties. I assumed she was his mother. She looked quite a bit like him. They both had the same tawny hair and delicate features. Remus caught me looking at them and smiled.

I gave him a nod, and turned away hoping that he would keep his distance. Remus, however, had other ideas. "Hi. Did you have a nice Christmas?"

"It was alright," I replied shortly.

"Severus, this is my mother, Anna Lupin. Mom, this is Severus Snape. We've been studying together for a while now," he told her.

Mrs. Lupin gave me a warm smile that practically mirrored her son's. "Ah, I remember now. It is very nice to meet you. Remus tells me that you don't share his love for Shakespeare?'

"I don't," I confirmed. I squirmed uncomfortably.

She laughed. "I don't care for it either. Most of it is far too silly for me, but mon petit has been quoting "A Midsummer Night's Dream" since he was ten. I blame his father," she told me in mock secrecy.

Remus' cheeks were pink,either from the cold or embarrassment; Icouldn't tell which. "Mother!" he cried dramatically.

"It seems to me that I know your mother. You are Eileen Prince's son?" she asked.

I nodded. My mother was the last person I ever wanted to talk about.

"I believe she was a student of mine when I taught ballet years ago. You have her presence."

No one had ever, nor has ever mentioned that I remind them in any way, shape or form of my mother. I wasn't sure that was a compliment, but Mrs. Lupin seemed sincere. I had just opened my mouth to speak when a loud voice called across the platform: "HEY, REMY!"

Black and Potter were on the opposite side of the platform swarmed by admirers. In an instant, Black was there grabbing at Remus' arm. "Hello, Mrs. Lupin," he said sweetly. "C'mon, Remy!"

"I will see you in a few weeks. I love you, Mom," Remus called back as he was dragged away.

Mrs. Lupin heaved a heavy sigh. "Mon Dieu! I will never learn to like those boys," she murmured softly. I couldn't believe my ears. Someone else who couldn't stand those bastards! What she said next left me absolutely speechless. "I am so very pleased that my son has made at least one polite, _well-_behavedfriend, Severus. You are welcome at our home anytime. I would love to see your mother again sometime, too. Perhaps w_e _could all have lunch sometime."

All I could do was nod. I had never in my life met a woman as odd as Anna Lupin. "I should be going," I said after a moment.

Mrs. Lupin reached out and patted my hand. "Have a nice time at school. Study hard, and don't let my son get you into any trouble."

"Goodbye."

Back at school, I unpacked what little clothing I had taken for the trip, and couldn't help but be glad Rodolphus was not around. I didn't think I was up to hearing just how good Bellatrix was at sucking his dick. It was odd, but I didn't find a girl like that to be at all appealing. Nor did I particularly like the women in the porno magazines that Rodolphus was so fond of sharing. I supposed it was because women with smaller breasts appealed to me more, or just maybe that I had a dislike of women who were willing to spread their legs for the camera man. That wasn't to say that I didn't have my own fantasies. I'd woken up more times than I could count sticking to the sheets.

In the bottom of my suitcase, I found the card that my father had sent me. It was still unopened. Doubtless, there was a twenty inside and his signature and nothing else. I hadn't seen my father in nearly six years, not that I wanted to see him. Tobias Snape could be dead for all I cared. He didn't care about me, and I returned the favor by basically forgetting he existed. There was something to be said for the rift between us: it kept me from hating him more than I already did.

I walked down to the chapel in the evening after dinner. The decorations were still up, and the whole place smelled faintly of pine. Candles flickered in the dim light by the altar. There was a man kneeling in prayer there, and I instantly recognized Father Pavel. I took a seat in the back row staring up at the illuminated face of Christ in the stained glass. The windows were designed to mimic the Renaissance style. On my first trip here, I had been impressed by them even though I could not name the countless saints along the outer windows. I supposed some people could receive some sort of religious feeling from them, but I simply admired the craftsmanship.

Pavel stood and crossed himself, before turning to me. "Come for more peace, yes?"

"I like the windows," I told him.

"Zhey are very beautiful. My favorite iz Saint Catherine over there." I followed his gesture to one of the windows along the wall with a woman and a wheel. "She vas strong enough to stand against persecution and do so vith wisdom and courage before her beheading."

"If she hadn't been beheaded, no one would remember her," I said sullenly. I didn't want a lesson on the saints.

Father Pavel laughed. "She won debates vith fifty philosophers, iz zhat not something to remember her for?"

I crossed my arms over my chest. "It's all just made up anyway."

"Zhen why can't science explain everyzhing? Or history? Even aethist scholars can not refute the fact that two-thousand years ago, zhere vas a carpenter who changed vorld more than any scientist has since," he replied with a chuckle. "Remus vas here earlier. He said zhat you met his mother."

"I did."

There was a twinkle in his eye. "I have alvays liked Anna. It iz a shame zhat Jeanvillbe leaving her a vidow soon. Remus did not vant to return…I am sure he told zhis."

I was stunned. They hadn't acted like anything was wrong earlier. I had no idea Mr. Lupin was sick. I snorted my reply. "I should get back to my room."

Father Pavel nodded. "I think zhat you and Remus could learn much from each other. Have a nice evening, Severus."

A week passed before Remus and I began our studies again. I found him in the library, as usual, but this time I noticed that he had his chemistry book out. I glanced over his shoulder at the work he had done. "That's wrong," I pointed out.

"It is? I've been at this for hours," he complained. He glanced at the clock. "I'm really sorry. I didn't even realize it was this late."

I watched as he began packing up his homework, and pulled out his lit book. He looked frustrated, and I felt a tiny surge of pride. "I could help you with that, if you'd like," I said trying to keep the smug look off of my face.

"Really? That'd be great. Thank you," he said honestly. There was none of the humiliation that I had been expecting.

"Tomorrow night then," I said. "Let's just hurry up and get through the next act."

Remus nodded andopened his book. It was odd, but I was beginning to enjoy our study sessions…not that I had learned to like Shakespeare. Remus' voice was becoming something that I found myself thinking about quite often. It was like the church for me—peaceful, relaxing, something I could study with detachment. His voice was soft, but still steady. He had the slightest accent, which I assumed came from his parents. I liked the way he sounded when he did the voices for each character. I had to admit that his Puck did make me laugh at time or two. His Titania, though, was something different. Though his voice wasn't womanish, it was like nothing I had ever heard before. The reverie in his tones when he professed the fairy's love for the ass was actually beautiful. I wondered if that was how he sounded when he told Sirius that he loved him. God, I hated that I thought about that!

"Is something wrong?" Remus asked looking up from the page.

I shook my head. "Just a migraine."

"Oh. Do you want to call it quits for tonight? We've gotten through a good bit. It's going to be a few classes before Howard catches up with us."

I rolled my eyes at the mere mention of the man's name. "You need to fix your mistakes in chem., anyway," I told him.

I laid in bed that night with that voice still in my head. "Fucking hell," I cursed as Titania's voice-- Remus' voice-- washed over me. I buried my face in the pillow, and let sleep take me. Even sleep was no escape.

_I was back at the shack again, but this time, I was inside. Remus was lying beneath me in the pale light of a fire. He was every bit as perfect as I had remembered him being the times I saw him with Black. This time, I was the one over him. My hands roamed his body. That voice! Oh, God, that voice was telling me things that I never imagined before. I was deep inside of Remus, moving inside of him. Pleasure swept over my body, and I felt myself go. I moaned loudly._

"Sev! Wake up!"

I opened my eyes and stared up at Roldolphus. "Christ," I swore rubbing a hand over my face. "I was dreaming."

Rodolphus snickered. "I can tell."

I followed his gaze down to where my boxers were soaked. Normally, I forgot my dreams, but damn it I remembered this one. I silently called Remus Lupin every foul name in the book. This was all his fault!

"Must have been some dream fuck," Rodolphus said still grinning.

"Go to hell, Lestrange!"

I changed into clean boxers and went back to sleep.

The next day I was in a foul mood. Even Lucius seemed to keep his distance from me at dinner. I was sending dagger of hatred across the room at a certain light haired Gryffindor. Black must have assumed the looks were meant for him, and flicked me off. That only added fuel to my fire.

I contemplated not going to the library to meet Remus, but in the end decided to go anyway. I'd be damned if I'd let him bother me this much. How dare he make me think of him like that! I was straight! I wasn't some little faggot like he was. I wasn't Sirius Black, not by a long shot. My outrage simmered as I watched him chew on the end of his pencil obliviously.

I focused on the page he was working on. "Really, Lupin, did you even show up for class?"

Remus looked taken aback by my venom. "I…I've never really been good at bonds."

I rolled my eyes. "Here," I said launching into a review of the lesson.

When I was finished, Remus laughed uneasily. "I hope you're not planning on going into teaching."

"Why would I do a thing like that?" I snapped.

Remus shrugged. "I don't know. I do appreciate your help."

"I was only returning the favor," I grumbled.

My irritation didn't stop when I was alone. The dream had shaken me. There was something about it that was so truthful, that I just wasn't ready for it yet. I couldn't accept that part of me, even though I grudgingly had to admit that it existed. All I knew was that it wouldn't have happened without Remus. Remus had made me think those things. I hated him for that.

I roamed Slytherin's secret halls like a caged beast. My fists were aching to pound into the walls, but I knew I couldn't take the chance of waking someone. I pulled a "borrowed" pack of smokes out of my pocket and lit one. I rarely smoked. It was more a nervous habit I'd picked up over midterms my freshman year. My head was spinning from all of the thoughts going through my mind. All of them led back to Remus. Damn him! As if my life wasn't hard enough! Why did I have to think about him?

One thing was certain, I was thinking about him. My dream had opened the Pandora's box inside of me that I had been keeping under lock and key for quite some time I wasn't sure I could shove the lid back on.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

As time went on, I found that it was becoming harder to ignore Remus Lupin. If it wasn't "Titania's" voice, it was the look in his eyes when "Romeo" swore his love to Juliet. I would find myself waking with the most powerful waves of lust washing over me that I had ever felt. The only thing capable of surpassing my arousal was my anger. I did not want these feelings—not for Remus…not for anyone. It showed a lack of self-control. Wasn't I better than this? For me, it became a battle of wills within myself. I had to prove that I was not weak like the rest of humanity, and so I pushed myself farther away from the world around me.

Reverend Riddle's sermons on Wednesday nights became something of a habit for me. They were as enlightening for me as watching paint dry, but they gave me something to do besides study. His normal hellfire and brimstone orations were one of the few things that kept my mind from drifting to places it shouldn't. Afterward, Riddle would often invite me to sit with him or play a game of chess. He was a brilliant man in his way. Even then I realized that his attentions to me were only his way of getting to my grandfather. I was quite guarded with Riddle, and then one night he said something that caught my attention.

"Do you ever go into Greenwich Village when you are in the city, Severus?" he asked me before making his move.

I shook my head. "My mother goes quite often, though."

Riddle let out a scandalized sigh. "It's a den of sin like no other. There are things there that have no place in a righteous world. People have turned their backs on God in the name of "art." A friend of mine was telling me about a particularly vulgar movie that's being shown there. I believe it is called _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_. It flaunts every kind of sin imaginable…even homosexuality." My knight dropped from my hand at the word. Shaken, I picked the piece up and continued my play. The Reverend cocked his head thoughtfully. "Does the topic bother you, Severus?"

"Of course, it bothers me! It's repulsive," I said scowling.

"It is! And it should bother you, Severus. This kind of thing goes against the will of our Lord, and for it they shall reap divine punishment. I do worry for you boys," he told me sadly with false concern dripping from his tone. "You have so much to worry about, so many cares to be borne on young shoulders. Yet, you are one of the few young men in whom I truly see integrity. The others are nothing more than sheep. You should be a leader amongst them. I urge you to warn your peers about the dangers of Greenwich Village."

I nodded. "I should go."

The Reverend smiled. "Of course, I'm sure you have a very full day ahead of you tomorrow."

I'm not sure why, but I went back to the shack that night. These days I was bolder. I knew that Black was normally too wrapped up in Remus to notice anything and Remus had his work cut out for him simply containing Black. That night, though, I heard something I wasn't even remotely prepared for.

Remus was curled on the cot with his knees to his chest. "Siri, I think I might leave school."

Black must have been as shocked as I was, because his jaw nearly dropped. "Christ, Remy, you're joking! Why?"

"Dad's only getting worse. How can I stay here and pretend that nothing's happening? My mother has no one in the city. It's not right to let her there all alone. If…" Remus paused. "When he dies, I don't want her to be on her own."

Black took a seat beside his lover, and pulled Remus over to him. "Your mom is a smart woman. I'm sure she knows what she can handle. Besides, Prongs and I would have this place burned to the ground within a week if you weren't here to stop us."

Remus didn't seem find Black's attempt to lighten the mood humorous. He sighed. "Sooner or later you have to grow up, Sirius. When are you going to take responsibility for your own actions?"

"You sound like my father." Black stood up and paced in front of the fireplace. "So what would going home really do? It's not like you can save him, Remy."

"I just don't want to miss my last chance to see him. Maybe there's nothing I can do, but I can't stay here knowing that he's dying and my mother is sitting there watching. God, I just feel so helpless." Tears began to fall from Remus eyes. Sirius stood on the other side of the room staring at the flames. He didn't say a word. Even I could see that Remus was becoming desperate. "What do you want me to do, Sirius?"

_Let him go, you jackass, _I thought as I watched Black continue to ignore Remus. Staying in the shadows was maddening, but finally Black seemed to come back to earth. "I want you to stay here, Remy. Your mom knows what she's doing."

Remus stood up, and wiped his tears on his sleeve. "I'm sorry, Sirius. I can't do that. Professor Dumbledore already offered me special arrangements to finish up my classes for the term and I have to go."

"So go. I don't give a fuck," Black sneered. "Go and be a pussy."

Remus said nothing as he dropped to his knees. Confused, I leaned forward trying to see what he was doing. There was a trap door hidden in the floorboards, and I watched as Remus opened it and disappeared below. So that was how they made it in and out without me seeing!

Black whirled around to the window, and I barely made it out of sight. "Who's there?" he called. I heard the door open.

I scrambled into the woods and ducked behind a tree. My heart was pounding so loud that I almost imagined he could hear it. I didn't dare move from that spot. It was like I had been frozen to the tree trunk. It seemed like eternity until I heard the door close once again. Feeling brave, I craned my neck around to see Black's form in the window once more.

That night, I fell into bed without a thought in my head. To be honest, it still hadn't registered that I had just seen Remus break it off with Black, or that Remus' father was indeed dying. I didn't dream that night.

Despite my inner war, I still studied with Remus twice a week. My reasoning was twofold: First, it was a matter of grades. I wasn't sure I could risk dropping a grade in lit class, and it salved my pride to tutor Remus in chemistry. Second, it was a matter of self-discipline. I had to beat this on my own.

It was almost a week after I had seen them in the cottage when Remus said a word about leaving. We had nearly finished an entire act of _Titus Andronicus_, when he looked up from the page. "It seems like you're doing much better," Remus told me softly.

"I am," I replied.

He smiled sadly. "I won't ever get you to love it, will I?"

I snorted. "Does it matter?"

"Not really, but it would be nice to have someone to talk to about it."

"Won't Black wear tights for you?" I asked sarcastically.

Hurt shown in his eyes. Remus simply shrugged. "Sirius and I weren't a good match."

"I can't imagine Black being a good match with anything that walks upright," I murmured.

Remus laughed. "I'd hate to hear your real opinion of me."

"You would," I agreed. _Though I doubt you understand why, _I added silently.

"I think you're going to be okay while I'm gone," he said.

I did my best to feign ignorance. "You're leaving?"

Remus only laughed. "Sirius may not have seen you there the other night, but I did."

Instantly, I felt myself flush. "Why didn't you say something?" I demanded.

"I was sure you'd eventually say something about it yourself," he countered pointedly. "Why were you there anyway? Was it just that once?"

I scowled. "No. I've seen quite a bit actually."

"But why?"

"I don't know," I lied. "What is wrong with your father?"

Remus looked away. "Lung cancer. There's nothing they can do for him."

"I'm sorry," I told him sincerely. "For what it's worth, I think that he's an ass for not understanding."

Remus only nodded.

"Then again," I added, "I tend to think that Black is just an ass. When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow after classes."

Raising a brow, I closed my book. "You don't give much warning, do you?"

"I wasn't sure until yesterday that I was really going. Dumbledore arranged things for me so that I can still keep up with classes from home. I'll be doing a lot of alternate assignments while I'm away, and it took time to get it all ready," he explained. "I'm going to miss everyone."

"I'm sure Potter and Black will be lost without you," I snapped. Somehow, I just couldn't stop the jealousy from creeping in.

Remus' gaze met mine. "I'm going to miss you, too"

For a moment, the air left my lungs. It was such a stupid sentiment. I snorted. "Ever the bleeding heart. You wouldn't want anyone to feel left out," I quipped.

Remus didn't seem to mind my sarcasm. "I'll see you when I get back," he said lightly.

"Goodbye," I said not even bothering to look him in the eye.

There were a number of things about Remus' departure that bothered me, but even then I couldn't say I blamed them on him. I knew that he was doing what was best for himself and what was best for his family. Mostly, Remus' devotion to his family made me think of my utter distaste for mine. The Christmas card my father had sent me still remained unopened in my drawer. I had no intention of ever opening it really. Remus' father's impending death did make me think, though. I wondered if there had ever been a time when either of my parents ever gave a damn about me, or when I had cared about them. However, these musings weren't the thing that disturbed me the most.

Strange how one can suddenly become aware of things only when they are gone. My entire life had been spent rather alone, but until that Spring I had never really felt lonely—or perhaps, if I did, I just didn't notice. Of course, this newfound loneliness did little to improve my outlook on my feelings for the tawny-haired Gryffindor. Remus left in the middle of February, and by March I was so miserable that even my fellow Slytherins gave me a wide birth. My annoyance grew every day. I couldn't fathom why I was sorry to be spending my evenings alone. Why should I miss someone as irritating as Remus Lupin? It took me weeks to figure it out, and I can't say that made me happy either.

Black didn't seem to be taking Remus' absence well either. He had made a point of acting out more than usual. Even Pettigrew didn't seem to be able to avoid Black's ire. Potter alone seemed unscathed. It looked like Potter had become the responsible one with Remus gone, yet he couldn't keep a leash on Black any better than Lily could keep one on him. From vandalizing statues to tormenting fellow students to annoying teachers, Black was into everything. Sadly enough, he managed to dodge punishment most of the time.

The two of us still went at it from time to time. We did serve detention once for nearly coming to blows in the hallway outside old Howard's classroom. The venom between us hadn't lost any of its potency over time. Enmity was one of the few things we had in common.

My grades, however, hadn't suffered since Remus had left. I had fallen into a safe pattern with literature class, and though I didn't love it as Remus did, I had earned my A. Often, I would still find myself occupying "our" table in the library to study. When I was completely sure that I was alone, I would even venture to read some of the lines aloud. I could only imagine what Remus would have said about this.

I was at that table one evening when I saw Potter come up to me with a somber looking expression. In my gut, I already knew what he had to say. "What do you want, Potter?" I snapped. Even then, I wasn't going to call a truce.

He glared at me. "I just thought you might want to know that Remy's dad died yesterday. He should be back in a week or two."

I lowered my head barely an inch. "That's a pity."

"Fuck, you're cold," Potter muttered. "You know he really does try to keep us from messing with you, but I don't know why."

"Neither do I, but I don't need him to stick up for me," I said caustically.

Potter turned on his heel and left me there.

That night, I knew that Father Pavel would be taking confessions in the chapel. Somehow, I didn't doubt that he had already heard about Mr. Lupin's death. He was lighting candles by the altar when I arrived, and he gestured to one of the pews.

"You spoke to Remus?" he asked.

I shook my head. "One of his friends told me."

"Ah. I vas vith Anna vhen Jean passed. He vas a good man, and he vill be missed. Did you ever meet Jean?"

"No, though I did get to meet Mrs. Lupin briefly," I replied. "Did he suffer long?'

"Too long. It vas good zhat Anna and Remus vere vith him. Jean doted on his family. I met Jean and Anna before I became a priest. Ve vere all new to this country, but Jean had his family's money to help vith everyzhing. I did not have a cent to my name, but Jean give me a job vith no more zhan a good vord from one of zhe other Polish men vorking in the mill. My English vas not so good zhen." Pavel chuckled at his own joke.

"I could see Remus doing something like that," I murmured.

The priest nodded. "He vould. Father and son are much alike sometimes, and sometimes not. Are you like your father?"

I held back the urge to walk out of the church right then. "I hope not."

"I am not much like my father either," he told me with a sigh. "Zhe vord of God tells us to honor our parents, but it is not alvays easy, I know."

"God should take into consideration that not all parents deserve it." I waited for the priest's rebuke, but it never came. "Aren't you going to call me a blasphemer or something like that?"

Father Pavel shook his head. "Severus, I have been a priest for long enough now to know zhat I can not change zhe vay people feel about zhings. I can tell you vhat I believe. I can tell you vhat the Bible says, and vhat the Church says. A man can talk for years and never change a person's feelings. I listen. I tell you vhat I zhink and vhy. If you see fit to agree or even zhink about the subject more, zhen I have done my job. Unlike some, I believe zhat sharing the Vord of God is not forcing it on people. You are young. Someday you may not zhink the vay you zhink now. You may zhink back to somezhing I say to you now, and it may do some good. Zhat is vhy I become a priest. I vant to do some good."

"Someone is making sense in the Catholic church. I'm surprised you haven't been excommunicated yet," I drawled.

Pavel laughed. "Not me, no. You are lucky zhat you are not Catholic, or I vould have you do very much penance."

"Yes, I am very familiar with the idea of "repent or burn." I've spent enough time in Reverend Riddle's youth group," I explained. The look that crossed Pavel's face could best be described as mild disgust. "Not a friend of yours?"

"Reverend Riddle and I have two different vays of doing zhings." For once, Pavel didn't seem open and honest. His lips were held thin, and he looked away.

"What do you mean?" I prompted. "You can tell me. It's not as if I buy into his shit."

"Language, Severus." Father Pavel took off his glasses, and massaged his temples. "Zhere are many reasons to come to church, yes? I told you zhis. Vell, in my opinion, zhere are only two reasons to truly come to the faith. You either love God, or you fear zhe devil. I do not zhink scaring boys into being good iz the right zhing to do. I have disagreed vith many of my fellow priests about zhis, as vell."

I nodded.

"Severus," he said looking up to the crucifix above the altar. He pointed to Jesus' face. "Vhat do you see in his eyes?"

I shrugged. "Pain. The man's chest was caving in on itself under the pressure. He had to be in agony."

"I see love. Zhe cross vas only vhere the pain began. Jesus was cast from zhe presence of zhe Father and sent to bear our sins before He was raised. He bore zhis pain only because He loved. Ve are told to deny ourselves and take up our crosses, as he did. I do not believe zhis means zhat we are not to feel joy. I believe zhis means that to accept love, ve must be ready to feel the pain zhat comes vith it; to really love God, sometimes zhere is pain. Pain vhen you realize vhat our sins cost zhe perfect Son. Pain vhen ve see people villingly turn from God and desecrate all that He has made. Zhere iz pain in life, but more importantly zhere iz love. To accept love, you must deny yourself and be ready to bear zhat pain. I do not love God, hoping that it vill spare me from Hellfire. I love God, accepting that it vill mean zhat I must deny myself. I love God knowing zhat, above all else, he bore pain because He loves me. Zhis iz vhy I come to God, and I have never regretted my choice," Father Pavel told me with conviction in his eyes.

I looked back up to that cross. "I can't be certain that there is really anything there to love."

"Zhat iz your right. I am going back to Hogsmede. If you are ever in need of an ear, you can find me at St. Sebastian's."

"Thank you, Father."

I sat in the pew feeling thin. For seventeen years, I had been avoiding all of these questions about myself, but it didn't seem like that was an option now. Why did it feel like it all went back to one light-haired boy?


	6. Chapter 6

OOOOPS! sorry guys! I accidentally posted the unbeta'd chap before.

Chapter 6

Remus returned to school on a windy Thursday afternoon. I saw him step out of the car from the window of Professor Howard's class. His hair was a little longer than it had been before, and even from where I sat, he appeared to be thinner. Anna Lupin got out to hug her son goodbye. It was obvious that Mr. Lupin's death hadn't been easy for either of them. I tore my gaze from the pair and stared at the chalkboard.

Professor Howard had just finished outlining our final project. "Now, class, I am giving this to you farther in advance because I feel that it is only fair that you have time to truly reach the full potential of your topics. I did not assign these topics lightly; if you doubt the fairness of your assignment, see me after class and we will discuss it. This course is designed to bring out the most in your literary experiences. I expect more from you than just facts in these papers—I want feeling. I want to know what you honestly think. You can all do research by now, but that is not what I demand of you. Each of you have a copy of the requirements, and I will be handing out topics tomorrow. Until then, I expect you to read the chapter and keep up with your analysis. Class dismissed."

I hurried to pack up my things, but Professor Howard motioned me to his desk. "Yes, sir?" I prompted with a sense of foreboding in my stomach.

The old man set aside his glasses. "Severus, I want to be sure that you fully understand this assignment."

"I have the requirements, the same as everyone else," I replied dryly.

"And so you do, my boy. However, I just want to be certain that you understand that this paper is to be a reflection of your own connections with a piece. To be short, I will fail you if you do not meet this requirement. You have made great strides this year, and that is nothing to sneeze at. It is unfortunate that you do not seem to share the true appreciation for the subject that your classmates have. Indulge me if you will: Why did you take this class?" he asked.

I took a long breath. "It was the most challenging English course. I thought it would help me get into a good school."

Professor Howard nodded. "I thought so. If you had come to me before signing up for classes, I would have advised you against it. This is not the place for you."

My pride stung, and I glowered. "I've never recieved anything less than a ninety percent in all of my other English classes."

"And I know exactly why. You are without a doubt one of the most intelligent students that have ever stepped through those doors…and that is not lip service. I have spoken to Professor Slughorn about you on several occasions. You, my boy, are a scientist through and through," he told me with a warm chuckle. "Yet you are not a poet, nor a writer, nor even a lover of the word. Don't think that you are the only one struggling in this class. There is a handful of students who will be sorely disappointed come time for grades. I only single you out, because I know that you are capable of so much more. For this reason, I am giving you an assignment that is a bit different."

I sighed. "You aren't going to be easy on me, are you?"

Professor Howard beamed at me. "No, I am not. Rather than giving you a selection from something we have read in class, I found something that I think just may be more suited to someone like you." He handed me a book with a marker in it.

"_A Modest Proposal _by Jonathan Swift," I read aloud.

"Yes, I think you will find that more to your liking. I will thank you to keep this to yourself. I can't have anyone thinking that I am playing favorites. After all, if you fail to meet my requirements, I will give you the grade you've earned," he told me sternly. Howard's expression softened. "Now, I do believe I saw Remus from the window. Why don't you go see how he is doing?"

I nodded. "Thank you, sir."

The old man shooed me away with a smile. "Go find your friend."

I resisted the urge to do exactly as I had been told. Instead of immediately searching for Remus, I managed to trap Lucius into one of our games of chess. Malfoy didn't waste any time making quick work of my miserable playing. "Really, Severus, I don't know what happened to you this year," he said yawning.

"I've had a lot on my mind," I murmured. It would have been out of character for Lucius to ask what exactly was the source of my distraction, and that was one of the things I liked best about him. "Any luck with Narcissa?" I asked.

Lucius shrugged and set up the board. "It's not like she's going to turn me down. Her father is dying to marry her off to make the right connections, and she's just as grasping as he is."

"You don't even sound like you like the girl at all."

"No," he confirmed, "I don't. She's a vapid doll. What's to like or to respect? So long as she's willing to fuck me like a good little whore and doesn't get fat after our first child, I'll deal with her."

I smirked. "Sometimes you amaze even me."

"What do you expect? The Blacks are going to be a wonderful addition to the Malfoy tree, and my father says that her father's wealth will only make us more powerful on Wall Street. He says that I have to make the right choices now or face whatever nightmare I make for myself. I will not mess this up!" Lucius gritted his teeth, and set the last piece down. "Play with Rodolphus. Even you can kick his ass."

I couldn't believe that I had seen Malfoy even the least bit off kilter. For the first time since I had known him, Lucius seemed really angry. I hoped, for both their sakes, that Narcissa was wise enough to tell her father to fuck off, but I doubted it would happen.

At dinner that evening, I saw Lupin at the Gryffindor table surrounded by friends. Black, however, had taken a seat away from Remus. I was somewhat relieved to see that they had not patched up their differences. Black looked like an overgrown five year old sulking there. I sneered at him. He really was a fool, yet I envied him in a way. Even with all his stupidity, Black had Remus.

I waited until it was nearly the usual time to go to the library. Half of me prayed that I would find him there; the other half was scared shitless that he'd be waiting. My palms were sweating when I walked through the door.

Remus was sitting there at "our" table with his head down in a book. He looked peaceful, as if he had never left that spot. I could have watched him there forever. I think it was the first time that I felt eerily ok with my attraction to him. He looked up at me, and I felt my heart stop. "I was hoping that you'd come," he said softly.

My mouth was dry. "Why?" I asked simply.

He smiled. "I missed you."

I snorted. "But why are you here? Didn't you miss Potter and Black?"

Remus nodded. "I did, but I'd rather be here."

"Why?" I sounded like a damned broken record.

"Because you aren't going to try to fix me," he explained.

I took my seat, and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Do you need to be fixed?"

"Maybe, but I don't want to be. Something about this just feels right," he murmured. Remus buried his face in his hands. "I think this is how I am supposed to feel. I miss him--that part I think is alright--but I'm kind of relieved. For as much as I knew he was hurting, and that it's better now, I shouldn't feel like this was a good thing."

"No one's got the right to tell you how you should feel," I said.

"My father was always a joyful man. He had a laugh that seemed to fill the house. I knew he was going when Maman sang for him and he didn't smile. It was like he had already left us. God, I was so angry at him! I wanted him to stay, but then I saw how much he hurt. The morphine was barely enough to take the edge off, and what about Maman? Wasn't she in pain too? When he died, I wasn't there. I was in my room reading. She called Father Pavel to come give him the Last Rites, but she never told me that it was time. I wasn't there!"

There was nothing I could say as tears began to flow from his eyes. How do you comfort someone when you honestly don't have a clue what they are feeling? In my life, there haven't been many people that I've cared about enough to warrant that kind of thing. I hadn't known anyone that I would actually mourn, but here Remus was. I found my voice. "I'm sure she only did what she thought was best."

He nodded. "I'm not so sure I wanted to be there. I think I said good bye even before he went. He was having a good day, and we talked about school and where I want to go to college. It was the first time that we talked about that stuff without him being there for it all. He...he told me how proud he was of me, and that he loved me. He was tired, and I kissed his forehead and told him to get some sleep that I'd see him in the morning. I think that was good bye. Somehow I knew that it would be the last time I'd get to really talk to him. I miss him."

There was such pain in his eyes! For the first time, I truly understood what Father Pavel was talking about in the chapel that night. To accept love, you have to accept pain. I looked in Remus' eyes again and saw love. I wished that I believed in heaven. I wished that I could tell him that his father was there, but I couldn't. I hoped that Remus' own faith allowed him that kind of comfort.

"You really are a good son, Remus," I told him.

"Thanks," he replied as he wiped his eyes. "I'm sure you don't want to hear any of this."

I shrugged. "I'm here," I said trying to soften the edge of my tone. In my way, I was comforting him as best I could.

He smiled. "I know. I wasn't lying when I said I missed you. I thought I was going to go crazy in that house with just Maman."

"Let's go to one of the passages," I suggested after glancing at the clock.

Remus shook his head. "I know somewhere better."

I followed Remus down to the older part of the school. Mostly, this area was only used for storage and that sort of thing. He stopped me before one of the stock rooms. "Stay here," he told me. "I think they went to Hogsmeade to catch a movie, but I want to be safe." Remus disappeared and returned seconds later.

On the far side of the stockroom was a doorway embedded in the wall. Remus pushed on the right spot and it popped open. Behind the door was a tiny room with a couch and a coffee table. I spied several bottles of liquor and Playboys. Farrah Fawcett stared at me from the wall. "So this is where you disappear to," I said in awe.

Remus nodded. "This is the Room of Requirement. The Marauders before us found it, and Sirius kind of stumbled across it in seventh grade. We have a rule that we only come when it's the four of us. No one comes unless we're all together, so I'm not afraid they'll come back. I know it's wrong to bring you here, but I...I.." He sighed. "This is the only thing so far that feels right."

I reached out awkwardly and pushed a curl from his forehead. "For once, I agree with you."

"You're not like anyone else I know," he whispered.

"So I'm the black sheep of the school. At least, I'm not another lemming," I snapped.

He laughed. "You always take things so personally. If you haven't noticed," he said blushing, "I like that you're different."

"What do you want, Remus?" I demanded.

His eyes were serious. "I want to feel better. I want something other than this constant tightness. I want to feel real again. God, I need...I just.."

I cut his words off with a kiss. To this day, I can't say why I did it. Morally speaking, this was wrong. I could give you a list of reasons as to why it shouldn't have happened, but I would like to assume that you are intelligent enough to figure them out for yourself. Instead, I will tell you that it was amazing. It was slow and clumsy, but it was sweet. Remus felt like nothing else in this world. All my life, I had convinced myself that I felt nothing. Remus felt everything. Remus felt like everything. Here he was: love, pain, lust, and compassion in my arms.

He leaned his forehead against mine. "Thank you."

"I only did what we both wanted. Don't make more of it than it was," I told him gruffly.

The moment was over. I left him on that couch. Once more, the demons in my mind had returned. This time, I told them to fuck off. Maybe I was human after all.


	7. Chapter 7

**Well, it's not new but it is finally beta'd and reposted. **

**Chapter 7**

One kiss can change the way two people look at each other forever. From the moment my lips touched his, my perception of Remus would never be the same. My feelings for him were now real in a way that they hadn't been before. Every time I looked across the classroom at him, it was like I was reliving that moment all over again. I remembered that I had acted on thoughts that I had sought to bury. I watched him from afar, but I would not confront him. Wednesday nights came and went, but I would not got to the library. Our table was left deserted for the first time since that fall.

Remus seemed to be on the mend during that time. With the Marauders circled around him, I often saw him smiling and laughing, yet I would still see the pain in his eyes. Sirius managed to cajole his way back to Remus' side, and the very thought made my blood run cold. I didn't want anyone touching Remus. I felt a rage that I had never known before every time I saw the two of them together. How could Remus stand looking at him after he had been so cold? Didn't he see that Sirius only cared for himself?

I spent most of my time working on my paper for lit class. As Howard had predicted, I was able to handle Swift with much more ease than Shakespeare. I took to his dry wit. Though, I couldn't say that I enjoyed the assignment, I was able to get through it. My paper was finished a week before the due date, so I was forced to seek out other things to occupy my time with.

One Saturday afternoon, I found myself at St. Sebastian's for no particular reason other than to escape Hogwarts for a while. Father Pavel was high on a ladder replacing a light bulb when I came in. He murmured something Polish as he screwed it back into place. A wry smile turned my lips. "Doesn't god see fit to hire janitors?"

Pavel laughed and climbed down. "God iz too busy keeping vatch over all of you mischief makers. Vhat brings you here today, Severus? Zhe peace has run out of zhe chapel?"

I shrugged.

The old man pulled a watch from his pocket and sighed. "It iz time for lunch. Come, and ve shall talk."

Just behind St. Sebastian's lay a small brick home. A well-tended garden out front gave the place a picturesque quality to it. The rooms inside were plain, but cozy. A picture of the Pope hung on the wall along with a carved crucifix. Pavel led me to a dated kitchen and gestured to a chair. Without a word, he began to set out bread, cheese, and meat for sandwiches. "Would you like a Coca-cola?"

"Thank you," I told him accepting the bottle.

Unlike our normal conversations, Pavel did not try to draw me out. I made my sandwich in silence, and watched as he did the same. He bowed his head in a swift prayer before eating. Even then, I think he knew I would not join him in grace. After nearly twenty minutes of this, I could take no more.

I cocked my head to side. "What kind of things do people confess to you?"

The priest chuckled. "I cannot tell you. Vhat I can tell you iz zhat people confess to me vhat God already knows. Zhey come hoping God can forgive vhat zhey will not forgive in zhemselves."

"Forgiveness is a joke. Saying you forgive someone doesn't make it go away." I frowned and took a sip of my soda.

"You are right. My forgiving zhe Nazis did not change a thing vith vhat happened zhen. It did not take zhe mark from my arm, nor zhe memories. And it did not bring back zhe dead. Instead, it let me move on vith my life. Vhen you forgive someone, vhat you are really doing is telling zhem to learn from zhier mistake and to move on. You let go of zhe bad zhings you hold and make room for good. Vill you listen to a story?" Pavel set aside his glasses and peered at me earnestly.

"Of course," I replied softly.

He took a deep breath and began: "Eight or nine years ago, my friend from the city, Father Duncan come to see me, and he brought a priest visiting from Germany. Zhis priest and I did not talk much at first. All zhose years, I zhink zhat I am no longer feeling zhe war, and zhere I was. Though he vas younger zhan me, I notice how he valks vith his knee not bending. Vhen Father Duncan vent out, I ask him about it. He told me zhat he lost his leg in zhe var. From zhen ve talked about it. Learned zhat he was only sixteen vhen zhe Nazis began sending zhe Hitler Jugen to var. He vent to protect his country and his family like the Nazis told him, and he vas still not able to forgive himself for helping them do vhat zhey did. He said he sometimes has nightmares about zhings he saw vhen he vas sent for security at zhe camps. Zhat he had prayed every night to be forgiven for vhat he had done. I tell him I had nightmares too, but zhat I prayed every night for zhe strength to forgive. Meeting him finally allowed me to do zhat, Severus. I looked in his eyes and saw zhat he carried zhis pain too. Right zhen, I forgave him, him and all zhe Nazis. Forgiving someone sets you both free."

"What if someone just keeps making the same mistakes, do you forgive them every time knowing that they will do it again?" I asked. In that moment, I wondered how many times Remus had forgiven Sirius. "Isn't forgiveness a trap in that situation?"

"It can be. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you don't learn from vhat zhey did," Pavel amended.

"I'm not forgiving," I commented.

"Perhaps you should." Father Pavel leaned forward. "Severus, vhy are you so afraid to give love?"

"What does love have to do with anything? I thought we were talking about forgiveness?" I snapped. Love was the last thing I wanted to talk about, least of all with a priest.

Pavel clucked his tongue. "Severus, forgiveness iz an act of love, and so iz faith. If you do not believe in forgiveness or in faith, maybe you do not really believe in love. Being practical gives people a very good excuse to deny love, but does it make zhem happy? Does it make zhem feel like zhey are fulfilled? How about you?"

My patience was at an end. "Why the hell should it matter to you? If there was a god half of the shit that happens wouldn't, and if love were real then people wouldn't fuck up as much as they do! I'm sick of people telling me that love and faith are such a cure-all. It's never saved me from anything. Love sure as hell didn't save Remus any pain."

I left that day without another word. My outburst was incomplete. I didn't trust myself not to say what my real problem was: how could I forgive Remus for making me love him? And if I did, what then? I felt lost. For the first time in my life, I didn't have a clear cut path before me. No words of holy wisdom could change that.

My state of confusion and anger only worsened as time passed. By the time I was packing up to leave school, I had almost completely withdrawn from my fellow classmates. Once or twice, Lestrange had been stupid enough to bait me, and I had nearly taken his head off for it. The only tranquility I was able to get was by watching Remus. A smoldering combination of love and hate would overtake me each time I saw him. I wanted to scream at him until he released whatever spell he had placed on me. I wanted him to do something to make this feeling go away. Instead, I was falling deeper and deeper into this emotion that I could not escape. To make matters worse, every time I caught Remus staring back at me, I could see his own inner battle.

There was a buzz of excitement washing across campus the last week of school. For many, it was a time to take down addresses and phone numbers. For me, it was a time to prepare myself for a long summer with my mother. Hogwarts was more like home to me than my mother's apartment or my grandparents' estate. Even with my problems, I was still happier at Hogwarts. I did not revel in the idea of another summer.

To escape my classmates I found myself wandering by the old willow tree. I slumped against the bark and closed my eyes. I had been having trouble sleeping and the quiet was too much for me. Within minutes, I was sound asleep. My slumber didn't last. I was soon roused by a soft hand on my shoulder, and I opened my eyes to Remus' smiling face.

Instinctively, I pulled away from his touch. "Was there something you needed, Lupin?" I asked coldly.

Remus shook his head. "Not particularly. I just wanted to talk to you."

"I think we've said enough," I countered preparing to leave. I did not want to have the conversation; not now, not ever.

"Please don't do this," he begged.

"Do what?"

"Shut me out. Severus, I know that this is a bit out of the ordinary, but…"

"But what? It doesn't bother you at all? I suppose it wouldn't with as long as you've been fucking Black." I regretted those words the instant they passed my lips.

For a long time, Remus didn't say a word. He simply stared at me with hurt written across his face. When he did speak, his voice was not the quiet tone I had been expecting. Instead, came the voice of someone who had been pushed too far. "Fuck you, Severus! Do you really get off on hurting people? God, I don't know why I can't stop thinking about you!"

"Don't you understand that I don't want this in my life? You confuse the hell out of me, and I hate it. I hate not knowing why I care about you! Worse I have no fucking clue why you give a damn about me. Isn't it enough that your friends hate me?" I was shaking with rage as I spoke.

"Why is it that you never see me as me? I'm always just one of them to you. I care about my friends, but they don't make my decisions for me." He ran a hand through his hair,

"So what is this great decision of yours?" I asked viciously. I knew what I was about to hear. He was about to tell me that he had decided I was every bit the bastard the others thought me to be.

"I want to be with you."

Those words took the wind from my lungs. I looked into his eyes to see the moment coming. I was just waiting for him to change his mind and tell me it was a joke. It never came. My whole life, I had expected people to walk away, but Remus was different. I closed my eyes and leaned back on the tree. What should I say to that? What COULD I say to that?

"I'm going to be staying with my mother in the city for the summer. Maybe we can have lunch or something," I suggested uncomfortably. It was the best I could do, but it was a lame way to ask him out.

Remus smiled sheepishly. "I'd like that, Severus."

So it began.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I left Hogwarts that year with a strange sort of contentment. On the surface, little had changed between Remus and I. He still stayed close to the Marauders and I avoided him; but when our paths did cross, he always smiled at me. Those smiles left me in a daze that I had not quite expected. For the first time in my life, I was realizing what it was to be truly infatuated. If I had been asked, I would have lied and said that it was all just nonsense. I wouldn't admit that I was enjoying the way Remus made me feel.

On the last day of school, Remus slipped me a note asking me to meet him in one of he secret halls. I remember how fucking nervous I was. From the way I kept looking around for prying eyes, you would think that I was about to do something grievous. I made it to the rendezvous unnoticed, but I was still sweating bullets.

Remus was leaning against the wall looking nearly as frazzled as I was. "I didn't want to leave without giving you something," he told me sheepishly.

"Oh?" I inquired, trying to appear cool. Teenage love truly is a disturbingly awkward affair, and I managed it with even less grace than most others.

He smiled sweetly and held up a leather bound book. "I know you won't read it, but I just wanted you to have something to remind you of me."

I cocked a brow as I read the title. "_The Collected Plays and Sonnets of Shakespeare_. You're right: I won't read it."

"Doesn't surprise me," he quipped. "Like I said, I just don't want you to forget about this year in the library."

"I couldn't if I tried."

Remus chuckled. "You sound like you have tried."

"I have," I confirmed, "and with little success."

Perhaps I had gone too far with that comment. Remus shifted uncomfortably. "Well, I did write my phone number and address on a card in the front…if you're still interested."

I nodded. Suddenly, I became preoccupied with the worn tops of my shoes. "I should get going."

"Me, too," he agreed.

On the train ride home, I sat with Lucius and Lestrange. Though I wouldn't call them friends in the truest sense of the word, they were as close as I had back then. Still, it didn't matter where I sat. I was thinking only of how I had completely blown it the day before with Remus. I replayed the whole disastrous scene in my head over and over. Lucius must have caught me glancing to where Remus sat. He eyed me suspiciously.

"My father told me that Lupin's family is going into bankruptcy," he said casually. "Apparently, Lupin's father made some incredibly bad investments before he died and his mother doesn't have the financial skill to fix it."

"Why do you care?" I snapped. I didn't like thinking of Mrs. Lupin in that kind of trouble. She was one of the few people I had genuinely liked from the beginning.

Lucius shrugged. "I have to keep up with things. Someday, I am going to inherit my father's firm. I'm going to be a better businessman than he is, and why not start now? I read that Lupin's companies lost nearly a half-million dollars last year. He wouldn't take the business public because he didn't want to see any of his factories sold off or shut down. If someone bought them now, there could be a tidy profit from it…nothing outlandish, but enough to make it worth the time."

"And you are going to put the time into it?" I mocked.

Malfoy glowered at me. "I'm going to talk to my father about it."

I snorted. Business ventures held no appeal to me. It did, however, worry me that Mrs. Lupin was having such a rough time. She was a good woman and didn't deserve it. I didn't ask anything else about the company for the remainder of the ride. Lucius must have sensed my disinterest and said nothing more.

The platform was as packed as it always was when the train rolled in that day. Good mothers and fathers waited to see their dear children. I saw my mother's head pop up in the crowd as she stood on her tip-toes. I never expected my mother to be among them. Ever the actress, she waved to me with a perfect smile glued on place. I grimaced at the prospect of playing the happy little family. My legs felt leaden as made my way to her.

"Sevvie, baby, I missed you so much," she gushed as she leaned in to kiss my cheek.

"Hello," I blandly. I couldn't force myself to say that I had missed her. I assure you, I hadn't.

Mother laughed mechanically. "Don't be so serious, darling."

"Why are you here?" I asked.

For a split second, I thought I saw hurt show in her dark eyes. "Don't you want me here?"

Swallowing hard, I looked to the floor. "I just wasn't expecting it."

"I saw Anna Lupin the other day," she explained, "And she asked me if I was coming for you. I thought you might be happy to see me."

I nodded for lack of anything to say. This is how we always had been. Awkward. Unsure. We never were a family. She was an unnatural mother, and I guess you could say the same for me being a son.

Sliding over-sized sunglasses on to her face, Mother continued: "It's so sad that Anna's husband died. You know, I took ballet at Anna's for a few years when I was a girl."

"She seems like a nice lady," I chimed in.

My mother's Cadillac was parked close to the station, but lugging my three bags to the car was no picnic. I silently wished she had sent a driver as she had every other year. I wondered if Mrs. Lupin had somehow made her feel guilty. I couldn't imagine another reason why she would bother to come.

"Did you have a good year?" she asked from the driver's seat.

"Very good," I murmured thinking of Remus. "I think my grades from finals should be in soon."

"You did well." It wasn't a question. My mother simply knew that I would do well no matter what. I was half Prince, after all.

After driving for a while, my mother looked over at me. "Your grandfather died last week."

My mouth nearly dropped. Surel the death of Alexander Prince would not have gone so unnoticed. If nothing else, I would have heard it from Lucius. I simply could not believe that the old man had died. "How?"

"I don't know," she said plainly. "Your father wasn't very talkative when he called."

"My father?" I inquired sinking back into the seat. I had hardly known my paternal grandfather. Given my relationship—or rather lack-there-of—with my father, it didn't surprise me that no one had called me at school. I didn't think of the Snapes. My memories of the old man were very few and extremely vague. I did, however, recall that he was a tall, gaunt man who could fix anything.

"He wants to see you, Sev," Mother told me finally. "Between his father's death and his engagement, it seems he's feeling sentimental."

I rolled my eyes. "I don't want see him."

"I didn't think so, but it looks like you might have to."

"Why?" I knew I wasn't going to like this.

"Richard and I are going to visit some friends in Rome," she replied. "It's only going to be for two weeks. Maybe you could visit friends for a while, but you can't stay alone the whole time. It's not good for you."

"Since when have you cared if I was alone?" I asked bitterly.

She ignored my comment and continued to drive.

When we made it to our apartment, I went directly to my room and flopped down on the bed. I didn't bother to unpack. Why should I? I would be packing again soon enough. It really didn't surprise me that my mother would send me off so callously; rather, it was how quickly she managed to do it. I hadn't even set foot in the door when I learned that I'd be gone again. Still, it wasn't like this felt like home. Even my own room felt foreign to me. As much as I loathed the place at times, Hogwarts was more home to me. My mother's apartment was simply another place I passed through.

Our life in New York was quite comfortable. Despite the rift in my family, we were not left to fend for ourselves entirely. Aside from paying my school expenses, my grandfather paid for the Manhattan apartment we lived in. However, that was were his generosity ended. He refused, as he put it, to pay for my mother's immorality, her nights at 54 and her endless stream of men. My late great-grandfather took care of that for him. Severus Prince, my namesake, had been very fond of my mother for some unknown reason and left her a rather sizable inheritance. That didn't put us on the same scale as the Malfoys, but it did place us in the marginally wealthy category.

That night, I pulled the book Remus had given me from my bag. Slowly and deliberately, I began to browse trough the pages. I was looking for something, though I couldn't say what. My eye was caught by _A Midsummer's Night's Dream. _The play called to me. More specifically, "Titania's" voice called to me. Maybe, in some subconscious way, it was what I had been wanting. I read the lines with Remus' perfect tenor in my ears, and before long I began to harden. It doesn't take much to arouse teenage boys, and the mere memory of that voice was more than enough.

I let the book slip through my fingers, dropping my hands to my crotch. God, how I wanted him! My fingers trembled as I touched myself. Images flashed through my mind of pristine skin and slender limbs. I imagined what it would feel like to push into him, to move with him. Every drop of my blood was on fire. My hand moved quickly, trying desperately to keep up with the vision. And then my world erupted. I had to bite back the moan that nearly cut through me as thick liquid coated my fingers.

"Damn it!" I swore as I searched for something to clean myself off with. True, I had jerked off before—many times before, to say the least—but this time was different. Never before had the pictures in my head been so clear…or so male. Prior to this, masturbation had been all about the sensation, not the inspiration. To be blunt, even the thought of Remus gave me a raging hard-on. Remus had done something to me.

I found the book on the floor. In the heat of the moment, I had all but forgotten about Remus' gift. As I carefully righted the pages, I found the card Remus had told me about. His phone number was tempting, but it would have to wait. I wasn't ready just yet.

The next day began just as I had expected it would. I woke up around nine and ate my cold cereal alone. The apartment was deserted. I didn't know where my mother had gone, nor did I honestly care. Between the television and a new book on the theory of cold fusion, I was content.

At about eleven, my mother strolled in with an armful of shopping bags. She eyed my messy appearance with disdain. "Don't tell me you're wearing that," she said without preamble.

I grimaced. "I don't see why it matters."

"We're to be at Anna's by one, darling," she replied.

"Anna Lupin?"

"Of course. Who else? I did tell you about it yesterday."

She hadn't, but it wouldn't do any good to argue. "I must have forgotten," I muttered.

I changed quickly into something more suitable, and stared at my reflection. It was then, and is now, a simple fact that I am not an attractive man. My skin is too pale, my nose too large, and my hair tends to appear greasy. I had accepted these things as unchangeable long ago, and I wondered what Remus could possibly see in me. I supposed that I could ask him, but that would involve listening to whatever nonsensical answer he'd give.

The Lupins lived in an upscale suburb not too far from where we lived. Their town house was fashionable and played on the noble heritage of the area. Regal looking rose gardens adorned the front of the house, and I noticed a small wrought-iron gate that lead to the back yard. It looked like something out of a Victorian magazine.

My mother rang the doorbell, and threw me a glance. I knew that was my last warning to behave myself in the presence of someone like Mrs. Lupin.

Remus answered the door with one of his signature smiles firmly in place. "Hello, Ms. Prince. Severus. _Maman _is out back," he said holding the door.

"What a gentleman," my mother cooed. "You certainly are Jean's son."

"Thank you, Ms. Prince. Will you follow me?" he asked softly. I saw the flicker of sadness in Remus' eyes even if my mother did not. I wanted to scream at her for being so fucking insensitive but then again, that would have been hypocritical.

Remus led us out to the secluded garden in the backyard where Mrs. Lupin had set up a small table among the flowers.

The older woman smiled warmly at us, and opened her arms wide to my mother. "Ah, it is so good to see you again, child," she said in a motherly tone. Mrs. Lupin glanced between us. "And how wonderful to see you with your own child! Severus, you are a good son to come and sit with the women today. Remus has no choice, but you must have had something better to do."

"Of course, he didn't, Anna," my mother replied for me. "Sevvie has done nothing but talk of Remus since he came home."

At that moment, I wanted to snap her delicate neck in my hands. My cheeks felt hot…though, I can't say if it was from rage or embarrassment. I had never said a word to my mother about Remus. In all truth, she couldn't have known just why I was upset. My mother was not close enough to me see how in love I was. Still, I felt my hands tighten into fists. How would this look to Remus? Did he think I was at home spilling my queer encounters to my mother?

Luckily, Mrs. Lupin came to my rescue. It began as a giggle, but soon turned into a gale of laughter. Mrs. Lupin could barely keep a straight face. "And by that you mean he perhaps mentioned that he knows Remus!"

"Er, something like that," my mother agreed. Now, it was her turn to be embarrassed. Already, Mrs. Lupin had managed to prove that she understood more of my strange ways than my own mother did.

"Remus, why don't you go find something to do with Severus? Lunch won't be ready for another half hour, and I'm sure you don't care to listen to us," Mrs. Lupin suggested.

Remus nodded shyly and I was left with little choice but to go along. He took me back into the house. When we were just out of earshot of our mothers, he stopped. "That was uncomfortable," he murmured.

I gave him a wry smile. "I'm so glad you can at least notice the obvious, Lupin."

"Really, this isn't my fault. It was all planned before I even got home. Don't think that I'm trying to force this on you."

Actually, the thought that Remus could have instigated this never entered my mind. For once, he was being more paranoid than I was. "I didn't think that it was your fault."

He breathed a visible sigh of relief. "So, what are your plans for the summer?" he asked.

"I'm going to my father's for a couple weeks, and then nothing really," I replied ignoring the awkwardness of the situation.

"That sounds like fun."

I rolled my eyes. "Right. I haven't seen the man in years and now I'm supposed to be thrilled with spending time with him and his new little slut."

Remus winced. "That bad? Well, if you don't want to go, why are going?"

"My mother decided to take a trip to Rome and doesn't want me to spend the whole time alone." This was the last thing I really wanted to discuss, least of all with Remus.

"You could stay here," he blurted out.

Taken aback, I simply stared at him. He truly had lost his mind. "No," I corrected sternly, "I really can't. Do you think it's a good idea given the current situation?"

I despised the look of hurt in his eyes, the uncertainty, the guilt. "I guess you're right. I shouldn't have expected that you'd…"

Before he could finish, and before my brain could engage, I silenced him with a kiss. Lust ripped through me as he wrapped his hands around my neck. What would it be like to make love to Remus? Would it make all of this end? At that point, I didn't know and I didn't care. The physical had taken over. Hands roamed instinctively. Lips and tongues clashed desperately. My body understood all of this, even if my mind was lost in turmoil.

When it was over, Remus leaned against the wall breathlessly. "I was hoping you'd do that again sometime," he teased.

I grunted a reply and pushed the hair from my eyes.

"Do you play chess?" Remus asked.

I nodded. "Chess is probably safer."

A faint blush crept into his cheeks, and Remus looked away. "I'm not very good, but I can always beat James. I guess that counts for something."

I snorted. "And what about Sirius?"

"Sirius? You think Sirius plays chess?" He let out a throaty laugh. "He doesn't sit still long enough for anything like that."

We set up the board in the living room. I soon found out that Remus had lied: he was absolutely terrible at chess. Within minutes I had declared checkmate. The second time was no better. Remus seemed to have a complete inability to see things for the possible outcomes. He moved his pieces seeing only what would happen immediately. It was easy for me to control the board. Perhaps it simply illustrated how different we really were.

By the time Mrs. Lupin called us for lunch, the two women were laughing like schoolgirls. My mother seemed happier than I had seen her in years. She motioned for me to sit in the chair beside her. "Severus, did you know that Anna was the prima ballerina on the greatest stages of Europe?"

I shook my head. "I didn't."

"Ah, hush, Eileen. That was years ago. Before even you were more than a babe," Mrs. Lupin pointed out. A dreamy look caught the older woman's eye. "When you boys are older, you must travel. There is so much to see outside of your little school."

"_Maman_…" Remus groaned.

Mrs. Lupin laughed. "Alright, _mon petit homme_, I will not offer anymore advice today."

The afternoon was relaxing. Mrs. Lupin had made a wonderful meal. Somehow, I had managed to forget how angry I was that day. The Lupins' garden seemed to make things a bit less irritating. With Mrs. Lupin's dry humor and Remus' smiles, I found myself wanting to smile and laugh more than I had in a long time. I now knew why my mother seemed so at ease. However, the good nature I felt in the garden did not pass through the doors with me. After saying our goodbyes, my mother and I reverted back to our old selves.

"Anna offered to let you stay with her and Remus for a while," my mother told me plainly. "It certainly would piss your father off, but if you would rather stay here…"

"I wouldn't," I replied. For all of the hatred I had for my father, I still could see what kind of disaster would ensue if I stayed with Remus.

"Oh? I thought you got along with Remus?"

Too well, I thought to myself. "I do sometimes," I answered vaguely.

My mother nodded. "Well, your father wants to come for you on Friday. I told him we'd meet him."

I gritted my teeth and said nothing. What could I say? I was about to forced into seeing the man I despised more than anything, and there was nothing I could do about it.


	9. Chapter 9

1Chapter 9

Owing fifty percent of your genetic make-up to someone you loathe is an annoying prospect in life. As if to accentuate this point, I had been doomed to bear a marked resemblance to him. My father had passed along all of his worst features to me. Every time I looked in the mirror I was greeted by his Roman nose and thin lips. For as much as I tried, I would never be completely rid of the man. It was simply one more mark on the list of things I would not forgive, yet it was a minor note in comparison to the fact that I was being forced to actually see the man.

My mother had made arrangements to meet him at a small café in Manhattan. It was neutral territory, best for all parties involved. We arrived late simply because my mother's passive aggressive nature demanded it. My parents had seen each other even less over the years than I had seen my father. As soon as we entered the restaurant, I knew this was going to go badly. He was seated at a table with a stunning blonde, and that was the first strike against him. The second strike was that my father had, to my mother's chagrin, aged well. The third…well, that was entirely due to the blinding rock on the blonde's finger.

"Toby," my mother said in a sickeningly sweet tone, "How wonderful to see you!"

My father laughed. "You haven't changed a bit."

Only the blonde seemed to acknowlegde my existence. She gave me a genuine smile, and offered her hand. "You must be Severus. I'm Isabelle, but you can call me Belle."

"Hello." I shook her hand and examined my soon-to-be stepmother. She wasn't much older than I was. Tall and thin with warm blue eyes, she was the all-American beauty queen type that turned heads on the street.

"And I'm Eileen Prince," my mother cut in. The deaf man in the next building over could hear how she emphasized her last name.

Belle, foolish as she was, gave my mother that same smile. "It's so nice to finally put a face to the name. My grandparents know your parents. They're about the same age, and I hear all about your mother from them."

My mother's eyes glittered with animosity, and I could see the proverbial claws about to come out. "And just who might your grandparents be?"

"Oh, sorry. Silly me! I'm Isabelle Hayneworth. My grandfather is Sir Joseph Hayneworth," she said with a flighty laugh. The Hayneworths were Old Money from England. I had even heard my grandfather talk about Sir Joseph and his publishing company. Though not as rich, Hayneworth certainly trumped my grandfather's prestige with the "Sir" before his name.

My mother sniffed. "Oh, I may have heard the name before."

Undeterred, Belle nearly bounced in her seat with excitement. "Severus, I can't wait to get to go out and do things this week! I'm trying to get you're father to spend a few days on the Jersey shore."

I fought back the urge to tell Belle that I hated the beach and wouldn't want to go anywhere with her and my father. Ironically enough, my father came to my rescue.

"He hates the beach," he said blandly. For the first time that day, my father looked me in the eye. "I remember we took you to Coney Island when you were four and you screamed the entire time because you hated the sand."

I didn't remember going to Coney Island with him, but if it got me out of a trip to the ocean, I would let it ride. "I still do," I agreed.

"Oh," Belle said dejectedly. "I'm sure we can think of other neat stuff to do."

I only nodded.

My mother laughed bitterly. "Of course, you two will have fun. You are about the same age."

Belle blinked. She looked as though she'd been slapped in the face. Finally, my mother's venom had seeped through. Helplessly, Belle looked in vain to my father for help. "I…I have always been more mature for my age."

"Such an old soul!" Mother sipped her tea with a victorious smile. "I don't doubt that you're more than mature enough for Toby."

"Eileen," my father warned.

Her work done, mother slipped on her sunglasses with flair. "I'll see you in two weeks, Sevvie," she told me. "Try not have too much fun, and put Belle to bed on time."

"Bitch," my father murmured as she walked away.

Belle put a hand on his arm. "Really, it's ok. We've got a lot to do in two weeks." She kissed his forehead. "And I've got to get going if I want to get to my next class."

My father nodded. "You'll be at my place tonight?"

"Wouldn't miss it," she replied with the cheer back in her voice. "You two have a nice lunch. It was nice meeting you, Severus."

"You too," I said awkwardly.

With Belle gone, the table was considerably quieter. Neither of us knew what to say—not that I had anything I wanted to say to him. The waitress brought our food, and we ate in total silence. Every so often, I would catch my father watching me. He was studying me and didn't seem all that impressed with what he saw.

"How was school this year?" he asked finally.

I shrugged. "It was ok."

"Any girls at school?"

Inwardly, I grimaced. "No," I replied flatly. I momentarily considered telling him about Remus in hopes that his disgust would make him leave me alone.

Tobias Snape was nothing more than a sperm donor in my eyes. His duty to my mother and I had promptly ended the day he decided to take off to Vietnam in search of "the defining picture of his career." The divorce papers my mother served him with on his return only sealed the deal. I was six years old when he left, and in the years between six and seventeen, I had only seen him a total of four times. Mostly, he blamed his career in photojournalism for his absence, but that excuse had been dispelled a year before when he took a position as a professor at NYU. I did not lament his hands off approach to parenting. I had never been close to my father, and I had never felt the need for it.

I can recall living in a shabby townhouse in Queens when I was a little boy. It wasn't much, but it was what my parents could afford back then. Between my mother being cut off and my father not having any luck selling his work, things were tight. That house was a breeding ground for discontent. Mother was used to all of the finer things in life that being a Prince had provided. She always told me that we deserved better, and she made no secret of it. I'm not sure if he had always been that way, but somewhere along the line my father had become very bitter. He was always screaming at us or finding some way to make us feel small. I hated him for that, because I knew—as my mother had told me—that I was better than this, better than him. I was glad to see him go. Forced visitation was not going to change the past.

"Belle's been wanting to meet you for a long time," he told me when the meal was over. He lit a cigarette and frowned. "I knew you didn't want to come, but she seemed to think it would help."

"It won't." I looked him in the eye and swallowed hard. "You should have told her that I didn't give a damn about you or about her."

Eyes slightly lighter than my own held strong against my scathing glare. My father had a will that rivaled my own. "I give a damn. Maybe it's too late, and maybe it's not as much as it should be. I'm not a good father. I'm not going to ask you to go fishing or any or that bullshit. I think I'd settle for being able to sit in the same room and share a goddamned meal."

It sounded reasonable enough, and maybe it wasn't too much to ask for. Still, I was reluctant to give him even that. I could remember the bite of his words and the feel of his hand as it made contact with my cheek. Our last meeting when I was eleven had been enough to make reasonable suggestions sound ridiculously hopeful. I swallowed hard. "I thought I wasn't worth the effort it took for you to screw me into my mother," I said harshly tossing his own words back into this face. I hadn't forgotten, and judging by the look on his face, neither had he.

"I shouldn't have said that," he told me in a voice thick with regret. He didn't bother to apologize. It wouldn't have mattered.

We said virtually nothing to each other for the remainder of the day. After a silent taxi ride to his apartment, he showed me to the guest bedroom, and I spent the majority of the time unpacking. I turned what should have been a twenty-second job into a painstaking task simply so that I didn't have to spend more time with him.

Belle arrived at about six with pizza boxes in hand. "How's it going?" I heard her ask in a hushed voice.

"About as well as I thought it would," my father drawled. She said something comforting, but I couldn't make it out—didn't really care, to be honest. They spoke in quiet tones for a few minutes more before I appeared in the kitchen.

God, how I was already beginning to despise Belle's bright smiling face. She was one of those happy people who honestly believe that smiling can make a bad situation better. In a rather ridiculous attempt to make me smile, Belle held up the boxes. "I hope you like pepperoni!" she said in an all too chipper and all too fake voice.

I did actually like pepperoni, but I would have rather cut my tongue out than said so. I simply shrugged.

Belle's smile lost a little of its glitter, and she set the table. My father made no move to help her nor did I.

Dinner was a drab affair. Even Belle fell into silence after her initial attempts at cheerfulness. She didn't stay long after we ate, and I was thankful for that small miracle. On the way out, she did try to give me a hug, but I managed to sidestep it. I ignored my father's glare and Belle's hurt look. I didn't care. After all, I never wanted to come here in the first place.

I shut myself in my bedroom and pulled out the book Remus had given me. I couldn't help the sudden need for something familiar.


End file.

Harry Potter, Drama, Romance