Mass Effect 1. Chapter 1

Yet more Random Stupidity. Still jumping around all over the place but I have to follow my muse when she chooses to make an appearance.

Thanks to Star and Jaer for their thoughts and suggestions.

The pink is for you, Shenzi.

This fic is for Night. Hopefully it gave her a laugh.

As usual, Bioware owns all.

* * *

**From Jack...with Love?**

Miranda looked around the private room where they were holding Shepard's bachelorette party. She had promised Alenko that there'd just be a few drinks with the girls, then an early night before the wedding tomorrow. So far they'd been lucky and had managed to keep news of Shepard and Alenko's impending marriage secret, but with the antics that were going on around her, she wasn't sure that their luck would last out the night.

"I should have known better than to let you and Chambers organise this night." She said as Jack stopped beside her.

"Relax, Cerberus. It's just a bit of fun. Shepard needs to let her hair down for once."

Miranda looked over at Shepard on the dance floor. "What the hell is wrong with her anyway? I thought she was only drinking fruit drinks."

"Well I did ask the bar tender to mix them especially for her. Besides I had a bet with Joker that I could get Shepard to embarrass herself. I am going to take that bastard to the fucking cleaners after this." Jack laughed as she watched Shepard.

"Oh God! That's all I need. Are you insane? I told Alenko I'd keep her out of trouble." Miranda sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "What the hell is she doing?"

"Dancing I think. Maybe Chambers gave her some lessons. I have to get footage of this. Shepard dancing will be almost enough to win me that bet." Jack pulled a camera from her bag and headed towards Shepard.

Miranda grabbed Jack's arm. "We have to stop her. She's going to end up hurting someone if she keeps those moves up."

"Go for it cheerleader. You're her designated keeper for the night after all." Jack shrugged before grinning and continuing on her way.

Miranda swore and followed her. After a bit of persuasion she eventually succeeded in hauling Shepard off the dance floor and getting her to sit down. "Watch Shepard for a minute. And please don't let her move from this spot. I'll get her a drink." She told Jack as she sat down beside Shepard.

Jack grinned and watched her go before turning to Shepard.

"You know what you need Shepard? A tattoo to commemorate your wedding."

"Ooh, good idea. But what would I get a tattoo of?" Shepard asked as she grabbed the drink on the table in front of her and drank it in one gulp.

"Why don't you get Alenko's name tattooed on your ass? I know a great tattoo artist not far from here." Jack stood up and pulled Shepard to her feet. "We better get out of here before the Cerberus cheerleader comes back, or she won't let you go."

"Good idea. Let's go. Miri doesn't let me have any fun." Shepard grinned before following Jack out of the bar.

They wandered a short distance and stopped before a door with a garish neon sign above it.

"Here we are Shepard. You ready?"

"But I don't have any money with me." Shepard looked at Jack miserably.

"Don't worry about it Shepard. I'll pay. Consider it a wedding present to you and Alenko." Jack patted her on the shoulder.

"You are such a good friend to me Jack." Shepard said throwing her arms around Jack.

Jack felt a twinge of guilt, but only for a moment. "Let's go in and I'll tell Seph exactly what you want."

Once inside Shepard stood swaying as Jack spoke to the Salarian behind the counter before coming back over to her. "It's all arranged Shepard. You just have to tell him what name you want written on your ass."

"Aiden Kalenko." Shepard said after a moment's thought.

"You heard the lady Seph. Aidan Kalenko." She turned to Shepard. "You go with Seph and I'll go and keep the cheerleader from looking for you. I'll be here when it's done to take you back to your party, Shepard."

"Ok. Don't worry about me. I'll wait right here." Shepard gave her a cheesy smile as she watched her leave.

* * *

"Where the hell is Shepard? Have you seen her?" Miranda pounced on Jack as soon as she entered the room.

"No I was busy. You're supposed to be her keeper for the night." Jack shrugged, enjoying the panic on the cheerleader's face.

"You were supposed to watch her while I got her a drink, Jack." Miranda voice went up several decibels.

"Her boyfriend won't be impressed if you've lost her." Jack grinned.

"C'mon. We have to find her." Miranda grabbed Jack's arm and pulled her out of the bar and onto the Citadel concourse.

"Why don't we split up? I'll go this way." Jack suggested pointing in the direction of the tattoo parlour.

Miranda eyed Jack suspiciously knowing she had no choice but to trust her. For the moment. "Ok. We'll meet back her in half an hour. Hopefully one of us will have found Shepard by then."

Jack strolled through the Citadel to the tattoo parlour confident that Shepard would be there waiting for her. Seph was at his usual place behind the counter but she saw no sign of her quarry. "Where's Shepard Seph?"

"I don't know. She left as soon as I finished her ink work."

"Did she say where she was going?" Jack was starting to feel the first stirrings of panic.

"No. She just kept muttering something. The only word I could make out was Cerberus." He shrugged and went back to watching the monitor on his counter.

"Fuck!" Jack spat out before heading back out onto the Citadel.

* * *

Miranda had almost given up and was about to head back to the bar when she spotted Shepard coming towards her. She swore as she realised Shepard was carrying a rocket launcher.

"Shepard! Where the hell did you get that?" she asked gesturing towards the rocket launcher.

"I had to go back to the Normandy and get some firepower. Jack said something about Cerberus and I needed to be prepared in case they tried anything." She waved the rocket launcher at Miranda.

"Shit. I am going to kill Jack."

"So you want to borrow my gun?" Shepard asked her seriously.

"Shepard, why don't you give me the rocket launcher and we'll go back to the party."

"This one's mine. You'll have to get your own. But I might get cross if you kill Jack. She got me a wedding present."

"I don't even want to know Shepard. Let's just go back to the party. I need a drink." Miranda said with a resigned sigh.

Miranda struggled to keep Shepard in her seat as the male strippers shook their asses in front of her. She was going to kill Jack or Chambers or maybe both of them. _What the hell was I thinking, allowing Jack and Chambers to organise this._ This was supposed to be a quiet night. She'd promised Alenko that she'd keep Shepard out of trouble. He should have extracted the same promise from Jack and Joker.

"None of them have asses that compare to Kaidan's. He should be the one up there shaking it for me." Shepard proclaimed as she stood up and started to stagger towards the door.

"Shepard, where are you going now?" Miranda asked with a heavy sigh as she tried to rein Shepard in yet again.

"I'm going to find Kalenko to tell him to shake his booty for me."

"It's bad luck to see the groom before the wedding you know."

"Oops I forgot." Shepard said as she headed back to where they'd been sitting.

Miranda's relief was short lived as she noticed Shepard pick up the rocket launcher she'd taken from her earlier. She looked around for Jack or Chambers. They gotten her into this mess and they could damn well help to get her out. There was no sign of Jack and Chambers was dancing around a pole in a way that Miranda couldn't even begin to describe.

"Shepard, do you really want to tempt fate? What if he decides to back out because he's seen you tonight?" Miranda asked trying a new tack.

"He wouldn't do that, Miri. Besides I have a big gun. See?" She lifted the rocket launcher and pointed it directly at Miranda. "Although he does too." Shepard collapsed in a fit of giggles.

Miranda rolled her eyes. "Well if he already has one, you can give me yours."

"No can do Miranda. You'll have to get your own. I already told you this one is mine." Shepard stood and moved with a speed that Miranda wouldn't have thought her capable of in her present condition.

Miranda hurried after her. _Maybe I can get her back to the Normandy without drawing too much attention. _That thought was short lived though as a familiar voice called out to Shepard.

"Commander Shepard. Over here."

"Is that al-Jilani Miranda? I hate that bitch." Shepard raised the rocket launcher towards the journalist.

"Oh shit! Shepard give me the gun."

"That's the last time you get to call me that." Shepard yelled, pointing the gun straight at al- Jilani. "I'll have you know that as of tomorrow I will be Commander Mrs Aidan Kalenko."

"Shepard! That's supposed to be a secret remember?" Miranda whispered as she lunged for the rocket launcher. She managed to knock Shepard to the ground but not before a rocket was fired.

"Fuck! That is awesome footage. Joker is going to love it." Jack laughed as she suddenly appeared beside Miranda and Shepard. The sounds of breaking glass and people screaming didn't seem to faze her one bit. "Alenko is going to be really pissed at you though cheerleader."

Miranda raised her head and looked around, before getting to her feet. She noticed al-Jilani on the ground but she appeared to be moving. Their luck was in though as it appeared that the rocket had taken out her camera as well as a sizable chunk of the shop behind her.

"Help me get Shepard out of here before C-Sec comes. And grab that rocket launcher." She pulled Shepard to her feet. "If Alenko kills me I won't be dying alone. You, Chambers, and that jackass in the cockpit are going with me."

They made it back to the Normandy while everyone in the area were still in shock over the apparent attack on the Citadel. Miranda was swearing under her breath as they entered Shepard's cabin.

"What the hell are we going to do now? Alenko's going to have a fit when he finds out what happened. And if _he_ doesn't kill us Shepard will when she sobers up and remembers what happened."

"After what Shepard drank tonight, she won't remember a thing. And there's no way Alenko will be able to pin it on us. Any potential witnesses will be too shell shocked to give accurate descriptions. Relax, for fuck's sake." Jack said as they dragged Shepard over to her bed.

As soon as she sat down Shepard jumped up with a startled exclamation. "Did I fall on my ass tonight? It's really sore."

"You might have bruised it when you fell over Shepard. Why don't you get some sleep and I'm sure it will be fine in the morning." Miranda said as she tried to get Shepard to sit back down.

"You better have a look Miranda." Shepard said as she unbuttoned the pants she had on and bared her butt to Jack and Miranda.

Miranda was speechless as she took in the sight before her. She glared at Jack who was laughing hysterically. There in bright neon pink writing across Shepard's ass were the words Aidan Kalenko. Miranda groaned and put her head in her hands.

"Get some sleep Shepard," she repeated when she found her voice. "I'll be in the armoury committing suicide if anyone wants me." With that said she turned and walked out of the room.

"Your ass is fine Shepard. Get some sleep. You're getting married tomorrow, remember." Jack left the room chuckling. She was going to send the footage she'd taken to Joker now so she could collect on their bet first thing in the morning.

* * *

Shepard lifted her head from the bowl where she'd been throwing up when she heard voices raised outside her cabin. Today was supposed to be her wedding day, but instead it felt like the day she was going to die. Again. _Hopefully no one will bring me back this time._ She staggered out of the bathroom clutching her head as Ambassador Udina walked through the door followed by a sheepish looking Miranda and a grinning Jack.

"Shepard. Do you have any idea of what you've done?" Udina shouted at her.

Shepard groaned. "Ambassador Udina. Please keep your voice down. I'm really not feeling very well."

"You've created major panic on the Citadel. Do you have anything to say for yourself?" He continued to shout, his face red with anger.

"Please Ambassador, keep your voice down." Shepard begged quietly. "What am I supposed to have done?"

Udina moved closer until his face was inches from hers. "Don't pretend you don't know Shepard. That reporter al-Jilani has been telling everyone who'll listen that you tried to kill her last night. With a rocket launcher no less. The only good news is that the doctor says she has concussion so her story can be spun as a hallucination as a result of the blow to the head." His voice reached new heights.

Shepard couldn't take it anymore. She reacted instinctively, punching Udina in the face. "I asked you to keep your voice down Ambassador."

Udina stood up, clutching his face and staggering slightly as blood dripped between his fingers. "You've obviously taken leave of your senses Shepard. I will make sure that you face the consequences of your actions _this_ time."

"Jack please escort Ambassador Udina off my ship. Then someone better tell me what the hell is going on. I'd like to know before I die." She went to turn away but stopped as her head throbbed painfully and another bout of nausea came over her. "Please tell Kaidan the weddings off on account of the fact that I'm going to die any minute."

"I'll get Dr. Chakwas Shepard." Miranda almost ran out of the cabin as Shepard headed back to the bathroom. She wasn't going to be the one to tell Shepard what had happened last night. Especially when there was no one else in the room.

* * *

_In an apartment on the Citadel_

Kaidan woke to the sound of Joker and Garrus laughing. He grinned. Today was his wedding day. He was finally going to marry Shepard. He threw on some clothes and headed into the other room to see what was so funny.

Joker and Garrus were watching something on his monitor. He looked to see what it was and was about to speak when he realised they were watching footage of someone dancing. Someone that looked suspiciously like Shepard. Before he could say anything the footage changed to show an image of Shepard pointing a rocket launcher at someone. Then all hell broke loose.

"Would someone like to tell me what the hell is going on?" He demanded.

Joker and Garrus turned around guiltily. "Oh crap!" Garrus exclaimed when he saw Kaidan's face.

"Kaidan! We were just watching footage of Shepard's party last night. Jack sent it through earlier." Joker said hurriedly turning off the monitor.

"And Shepard's party involved firing a rocket launcher on the Citadel? What the hell was Lawson thinking? She was supposed to keep Shepard out of trouble." He ran a hand through his hair, glaring at Joker and Garrus before reaching for his omnitool. Lawson had some explaining to do.

He headed back to his room to speak to Miranda in private. What had started as a very good morning was fast going downhill as Miranda tried to explain what had happened. Kaidan swore and hurled his omnitool across the room before going back out to where Joker and Garrus sat waiting.

"So Kaidan, what are we going to do until it's time to get ready for the wedding?" Joker asked.

"The way things are going my wife will be spending our wedding night in jail. That's if this wedding actually takes place today." The romantic night Kaidan had planned seemed to be an impossible dream at the moment.

"Well I'm sure they'll allow conjugal visits Alenko. It _is_ your wedding night after all." Joker laughed.

"I'm glad you find it so amusing Joker." His biotics flared around him. "Although I could be in jail as well after I murder a few people." He looked pointedly at Joker. "What the hell were you thinking Joker? I can't believe you would cook something like this up with Jack on the night before my wedding."

"How the hell would I know Jack would spike her drinks? And in all fairness I couldn't know that Shepard would have the bright idea to fetch her rocket launcher." Joker said, looking to Garrus for support. He'd never seen Kaidan so angry.

"This **is** Shepard we're talking about Joker. What did you think Jack would do? You know what she's like. And according to Lawson Udina paid Shepard a visit this morning and she ended up punching him in the face." Kaidan was too angry to talk to him anymore. He had to find Anderson. Maybe he could sort this out in the few hours remaining before the wedding.

"Hey, good on Shepard. We've all wanted to punch Udina in the face at one time or another." Joker laughed.

"Yes and we've all wanted to do the same to you as well. Maybe I should take a leaf out of Shepard's book right now." Kaidan said through gritted teeth.

"Joker, shut up. Kaidan, what can we do to help?" Garrus asked trying to divert Kaidan's anger.

"Nothing Garrus. I'm going to see Anderson. Both of you better make yourselves scarce. And if this wedding does not take place I suggest that neither of you even _think_ about coming back to the Normandy. Because if I don't kill you, Shepard sure as hell will." He left them digesting the thought of Shepard's retribution as he headed out to find Anderson.

_To be continued…_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Shepard sat on the bathroom floor groaning. She lifted her head with some effort when she heard a noise. Dr Chakwas was walking towards her with a concerned look on her face.

"Shepard, you look terrible."

Shepard looked at the doctor through half closed eyes. "Just what every girl wants to hear on her wedding day Doc."

"What the hell did you drink last night?" Dr Chakwas asked, reaching for Shepard's wrist.

"It must have been something I ate because I only drank fruit juice." Her head ached with the effort of looking up and she allowed it to drop back down.

"Hmm, well from the look of you I'd say you have a hangover, and possibly alcohol poisoning." Dr. Chakwas motioned to Miranda who was standing quietly at the door to help her get Shepard back to bed.

_Yep, either Alenko or Shepard are going to kill us all. But I might just have time to kill Jack myself before that happens,_ Miranda thought with a small measure of satisfaction as she moved to help Dr Chakwas.

After performing a quick examination the doctor suggested that Shepard be moved to medbay where she could monitor her properly and administer fluids intravenously.

"My butt's really sore too. Would you take a look at it?" Shepard rubbed the right side of her butt.

Dr Chakwas gently rolled Shepard over and inspected the spot she'd indicated was sore. The doctor looked at Shepard's new tattoo and turned to Miranda who was mutely shaking her head. She turned back to Shepard and patted her on the shoulder. "It looks a bit pink Shepard but I don't think it's anything to worry about. I need to talk to Miss Lawson about what happened last night so I can start you on the right treatment. I'll be back soon." She gestured to Miranda to follow her and walked out of the cabin.

"Miss Lawson do you want to tell me what the hell happened, and what the hell that was on Shepard's butt?"

"You would have to ask Jack, Dr. Chakwas. She's to blame for all of this. Apparently she spiked Shepard's drinks all night then dragged her off to get that pink monstrosity on her butt."

"Obviously no-one's told Shepard about it."

Miranda ran a hand through her hair and let out her breath. "Well _I'm_ not telling her. With any luck I'll have time to get off the Citadel before Alenko sees it."

"Someone needs to tell her _and _Kaidan." Dr. Chakwas insisted.

"Let me know how that goes." Miranda was interrupted by a ping from her omnitool. "Shit, it's Alenko! Do me a favour Dr. Chakwas, in future please don't mention his name around me."

* * *

After helping the doctor settle Shepard in the medbay, Miranda began to pace. She had a lot on her mind. Shepard was asleep but Miranda had no doubt that when she woke up she'd want to know exactly what had happened the previous evening.

"So do you think Shepard will be well enough in a few hours for this wedding to take place?" She asked the doctor quietly.

Dr Chakwas glanced at Shepard then motioned Miranda outside. "Shepard has a remarkable constitution but there's no way she will be getting married today."

"Yeah good luck when you tell her that Doctor." Miranda crossed her arms over her chest.

"Oh, I won't be the one to tell her. As her chief bridesmaid it falls on you to tell her about the delay in her wedding plans, as well as what went on last night. I'm afraid that she will not be amused."

"That's exactly what I'm afraid of too. Can't you just knock her out for a couple of days or something? That way when she wakes up we can just pretend like it's her wedding day."

"Even if was willing to go along with that idea, which I'm not by the way, do you think Kaidan will go along with it?"

Miranda groaned as she heard a voice behind her.

"Do you think Kaidan will go along with what exactly? And would someone like to tell me where the hell Shepard is?"

Miranda took one look at the glowering expression on Kaidan's face and decided it was time to make herself scarce. She turned to Dr Chakwas, "How the hell do you manage to conjure him up every time you mention his name? I'll leave you to explain the situation _Doctor._"

"Don't go too far Miss Lawson, you still have some explaining to do." Kaidan was definitely not in a good mood. This day was going from bad to worse. He still hadn't been able to speak to Anderson whose secretary had informed him that the Councilor was in a meeting with Udina and the Council. She'd also informed him that the wedding was the talk of the Citadel. _So much for a quiet, no fuss wedding. Hell, they hadn't even told their families about it. _He rubbed his forehead and turned to Dr Chakwas. Maybe he could finally get something sensible out of someone. He'd seen Jack on his way through the CIC but she'd just shouted something unintelligible at him, called him Kalenko, then laughed. He was definitely not in the mood to deal with Jack at the moment.

"So what situation are you explaining Doctor?" Kaidan crossed his arms against his chest.

"I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you this Kaidan, but Shepard is in no condition to get married today."

"What are you talking about? Where is Shepard anyway?"

"She's in the medbay on a drip, Kaidan. I suspect that she has alcohol poisoning and she has been quite ill. Although with her constitution she should be up and about by tomorrow."

Kaidan looked incredulously at Dr, Chakwas. "This just gets better and better. Why didn't Lawson tell me about this?" He stalked into the medbay. Shepard was laying on one of the beds and looked very pale.

Seeing the concern on his face, Dr. Chakwas rushed to reassure him. "She's fine Kaidan."

Shepard stirred. "Kaidan? You're not supposed to be here. Miranda will be having a cow. She's very big on the 'you're not supposed to see the bride on her wedding day' thing."

"It's alright Shepard. Miss Lawson knows I'm here. I heard you had a big night." He sat down beside her and ran a hand across her forehead.

"I really don't remember to be honest. Although I did have a really weird fantasy this morning, in between bouts of sickness, that I punched Udina. It felt so real." Shepard closed her eyes.

Kaidan looked at Dr. Chakwas and asked quietly, "Hasn't anybody told her what happened yet?"

"We haven't had a chance Kaidan."

"More than likely you've all been too scared to tell her. Does this mean I get to be the one in the firing line?"

"Well you have to admit Kaidan, she's less likely to shoot you than the rest of us."

"The way I'm feeling at the moment the idea of a few shootings is starting to sound like a good plan."

"Who's getting shot?" Shepard asked sleepily.

Shepard's reaction to the news of the previous night's antics, and the postponement of the wedding was what Kaidan had expected, and he was sure that she had just invented a whole lot of new curses and profanities. It took both him and Chakwas quite a while to calm her down and stop her from immediately going in search of Jack.

Just rest Shepard. I'll handle it." He was stopped from saying anything else by Miranda entering the medbay.

"Councilor Anderson is on the comm. He wants to speak to Shepard."

Kaidan stood up. "I'd better go and let him know what's happening. I wanted to talk to him anyway. Hopefully he can help get us all out of this mess."

* * *

The meeting with the Council went better than Kaidan expected. He didn't know what Shepard had said to Jack and wasn't sure he wanted to. _But whatever it was seems to have worked._ Thankfully Jack had held her tongue throughout and let Shepard do the talking. In the end it was decided that a press release would be made by the spin doctors along the lines of the incident being a weapons malfunction and an investigation was underway. Shepard had promised to lie low for the remainder of the time the Normandy was on the Citadel.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself Shepard?" Udina was still clearly waiting for an apology and was livid that Shepard had come through the meeting unscathed.

"No. I think I've said all I need to."

Anderson decided to intervene before Udina could pursue it further. "There's still the problem of the rumours of the wedding, not to mention the actual wedding itself."

"There's only one thing for it. We will have to organise a wedding here on the Citadel that can be broadcast throughout the galaxy." Udina announced to everyone.

"Absolutely not. I'm not having my wedding turned into a circus. That's the reason we planned a quiet ceremony on the Normandy." Shepard crossed her arms, the expression on her face one that struck fear into the hearts of mercs all over the galaxy.

"It's a bit late for that now after your antics of the other night don't you think?" Udina demanded.

"If you force this issue I will not get married at all." Shepard turned to leave.

"Shepard!" Kaidan exclaimed in alarm.

"I'm sorry Kaidan but I'm standing firm." She winked at him and mouthed 'trust me" before turning back to Anderson. "Everything else I do has to be turned into a galactic media event. But I refuse to have my wedding or anything else in my personal life get the circus treatment. The wedding is off and the Normandy will leave the Citadel in two days time as originally planned." She turned on her heel and walked out of Anderson's office leaving her squad scrambling to catch up with her.

She shushed them as they all started to speak at once and said "not here" before leading them back to the comm room on the Normandy.

"Right, this calls for drastic action before someone decides Udina's idea is a good one. Miranda, organise the marriage celebrant for tomorrow and let the crew know that the wedding is on. And for God's sake tell them to keep it quiet."

"But Shepard…" Miranda started before Shepard cut her off again.

"No buts Miranda. Jack, you will help her. This wedding **will** go off without a hitch, or there **will** be hell to pay." She looked sternly at both Jack and Miranda. "Have both of you got that? I will not have another debacle like the other night and you two need to redeem yourselves."

At their nods she turned to Kaidan. "Does that suit you?"

"Of course. You do know that Udina will not be pleased?"

She shrugged. "Udina is never pleased, especially when it comes to anything concerning me."

Kaidan grinned at her. "You're not wrong there. Have I told you today how much I love you?"

Jack started making gagging noises. "I think I'm going to throw up."

"Throw up after you help Miranda get this wedding organised. And by the way Jack, I expect a really good wedding gift seeing as you won so much money from Joker."

"But Shepard, I already got you a gift. I'm sure you and Alenko will love it when you see it." She gave Shepard a grin that had Kaidan worried.

"That's enough Jack. We have work to do." Miranda hurried her out of the room before Shepard could ask any questions about the 'gift'.

Shepard watched them both leave before turning back to Kaidan. "I love you too Kaidan," she smiled at him. "But I suggest you find Joker and Garrus and read them the riot act. Tell them they will learn a new meaning to the word pain if they mess this up."

"Aye Aye Ma'am." He laughed as he hugged her before leaving to go in search of his so called best man.

* * *

Councilor Anderson poured drinks and handed one to Admiral Hackett who was standing on the balcony looking out over the presidium.

"Well that went better than I thought it would." Hackett took a swig of the whiskey.

"Udina's still not happy though." Anderson noted.

"That man will never be happy. For some reason Shepard rubs him up the wrong way."

"So how much do you want to wager Steven?"

"On what, David?" Hackett looked puzzled.

"On whether Shepard and Alenko get married within the next 24 hours."

Do I look like a green recruit to you? There's no way I'm betting against Shepard. But you never know, Alenko could prove to be a calming influence on her."

Both men immediately started laughing. "I hope Alenko knows what he's getting into." Hackett added.

"I suppose we could hit Udina. I'd enjoy taking him to the cleaners." Anderson said walking over to his comm system.

"That's definitely a mission I can get behind one hundred per cent." Hackett followed him, placed his glass on the desk, sat down and leaned back in his chair waiting for Udina.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Shepard stood staring glumly at the dress she was supposed to be wearing for her wedding while Miranda primped in the mirror and Jack grinned.

"Man up Shepard. If I have to wear one you do too. And _I_ didn't promise my boyfriend that I would. I hope you realise just what I'm doing for you. But one smart comment from anyone and there will be blood." Jack warned.

"I don't know how you talked me into such a ridiculous dress Miranda. It has nowhere to put even a pistol." Shepard turned to face her supposed bridesmaids. She still hadn't quite forgiven Jack for the stunt she'd pulled with the drinks.

Miranda turned away from the mirror where she was busily checking out her reflection. "I've already told you a million times Shepard. You don't need guns at your wedding."

"I like to be prepared Miranda. I feel naked without my weapons. Besides with Chambers you just never know."

"Relax Shepard. You can always change back to your armour afterwards. I plan on getting out of this dress as soon as possible." Jack sat on the lounge and helped herself to a biscuit from a plate on the table.

Miranda had turned back to the mirror. "The dress is lovely Shepard, although I'm still not sure about this one. Do you think it makes my ass look big?"

Shepard smothered a grin as Jack choked on her biscuit. "You picked the damn things, cheerleader. Why worry anyway? Your ass looks big in everything."

Miranda glared at Jack before picking out a selection of make-up and walking over to Shepard. "Sit Shepard. It's time you started getting ready."

Jack leaned back comfortably, watching as Miranda fussed with Shepard's hair and make-up.

"Shepard, you never did tell us exactly how Alenko proposed."

"And I don't intend to. I'm not giving you any more ammunition, Jack." Shepard said firmly.

"So it was something really embarrassing huh? Did he get naked and let you find the ring on his…"

"Jack!" Miranda interrupted her.

"Oh for fucks sake. How can I term it so it doesn't upset the virgin cheerleader?" Jack glanced at Miranda before resuming her conversation with Shepard. "Did he let you find the ring on his you know?"

Shepard gave Jack a long stare before giggling. "Well his 'you know' is a bit big for a ring. I can just imagine the stir that would have caused when we had to call Garrus to cut the ring off before bits started dropping off."

"I would have paid to see that. Garrus' reaction to that little job would have been worth it, not to mention your boyfriend's reaction. But I still want to know."

"How do you know he proposed, Jack? Maybe _I_ did."

"Now you're talking. Did you have him spinning in a singularity till he said yes? I bet biotics were involved somehow.

Shepard blushed and looked to Miranda for help as she muttered "something like that" under her breath.

"That's enough Jack. I need to finish Shepard's make-up and I can't do that while she's talking. Why don't you grab the underwear I bought for Shepard out of that bag so she can get dressed once I've finished here." Miranda pointed to a bag on the bed before turning back to put the finishing touches on the make-up she'd insisted Shepard wear.

"What the f…" Jack began to giggle as she pulled Shepard's new underwear out of the bag and examined it. Shepard turned to look, her mouth dropping as she saw what was in Jack's hand.

"What the hell is that supposed to be Miranda?" Shepard pointed to the underwear in Jack's hand.

"It's underwear Shepard. You do wear it don't you?"

"Oh I wear underwear Miranda but I don't wear bits of string in place of it. I am _not_ wearing that." Shepard's face took on a look of determination.

"Alenko will love it Shepard. Just put it on."

"Then Alenko can wear it. It's bad enough that I have to wear a dress and let you talk me into make-up. I thought you were supposed to know everything about me, so you should _know_ I am not wearing it and that's final."

Miranda sighed. From the look on Shepard's face she knew she was fighting a losing battle.

* * *

Kaidan watched as Shepard came down the aisle towards him. He couldn't believe it was finally happening. Beside him Joker stirred restlessly, then leaned towards him whispering, "How'd you get her to wear a dress?" Kaidan smiled at that. She _had_ kept her promise. True, it wasn't a _traditional_ wedding dress, but that didn't matter to him. And he was even more amazed by the fact that she'd talked Jack into wearing one. He smiled reassuringly at her as she stopped beside him, noticing that she looked nervous and self conscious. For once her poker face had deserted her.

"I'd rather be facing a pit full of mercs." She muttered under her breath.

"Just remember Shepard, this was your idea," he murmured, taking her hand. "You look beautiful, by the way."

She rolled her eyes at him as the celebrant began speaking. As the ceremony progressed, Kaidan began to feel a sense of hope. _We're actually going to get through it without a hitch!_ However, he hadn't counted on Jack.

"Do you Mary Sue Shepard take Kaidan Alenko as your lawful wedded husband?"

Shepard had no time to answer.

"What the fuck! Mary Sue?" Jack yelled at the top of her voice then started laughing loudly.

"Why do you think we all just call her Shepard?" Joker asked before he too started laughing.

Shepard glared at them both, but even that didn't deter them. Kaidan placed a hand on her shoulder and murmured calming words. "Ignore them Shepard. This is our wedding. You're supposed to be happy, remember?"

The celebrant stood mutely for a moment, unsure of how to proceed before clearing his throat and trying to restore order.

"I know a wedding is a happy occasion but please refrain from," … ahem, "celebrating this happy occasion until _after_ the ceremony." He shook his head. This was a most unconventional ceremony. He'd never conducted a wedding ceremony where the guests were all laughing hysterically while the bride swore profusely.

Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief as they were finally pronounced man and wife. Jack's interruption had been a small thing in comparison to what he'd expected to happen. Normal everyday things were never predictable around Shepard.

Having already lost a couple of days of what was to be their honeymoon, thanks largely to Jack, they had decided to forego a traditional reception with the crew. Kaidan had booked a room under an assumed name hoping to get some privacy for the couple of days they had left. Shepard had gone to her cabin, presumably to get her things and they were leaviing as soon as she returned. He looked up to see her exit the elevator wearing her armour as she came towards him.

"Any reason you changed into your armour and washed the make-up off?"

"C'mon Kaidan. There is no way I'm walking through the Citadel in that get up. It would have been a dead give-away to any reporters hanging around. As for the make-up, that was Miranda's idea. Personally I couldn't wait to get that gunk off my face. My promise only included wearing a dress for the wedding."

"Let's get out of here. Our five days of shore leave has been whittled down to two, and it will be a while before we get any privacy from this lot again." He steered her towards the airlock while the majority of the crew were all discussing where they were going to celebrate.

* * *

Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief when they finally made it to their room without further incidents. _Our luck seems to be changing._ He took off his jacket and relieved Shepard of the small bag she was carrying.

"You didn't bring much." He eyed the bag in his hand, testing its weight as he walked over to put it on the bed.

"Well its only two nights, and I didn't think you were planning to get out of the room." Shepard followed him and started to remove her armour. "I threw a robe in the bag, would you get it out for me, please?"

Kaidan opened the bag and looked at the contents in amazement. "Shepard, what's this?" He asked pulling out skimpy lingerie and a diaphanous nightgown.

She looked up and dropping the piece of armour that she's just removed, grabbed the lingerie out of his hands before rummaging in the bag. The things she'd packed were nowhere to be seen.

"Damn! Remind me to kick Miranda up the ass next time we see her."

"I think you're going to need a bigger boot Shepard." He grinned at her as she shoved the lingerie back in the bag.

"I need a drink."

Kaidan walked over to a bottle standing in the cooler near the lounge. "Champagne?" He held the bottle up.

"Are you trying to be funny, Alenko? After the other night I am _never_ drinking alcohol again. I'll just have water or juice. I think I can trust you not to spike it." She had finished removing her armour and walked over to the lounge in the exercise shorts and shirt she wore underneath.

"Well technically you're Alenko now too." He grinned, handing her a glass.

"That's right I am aren't I? To be honest I never thought it was going to happen."

"I know what you mean. At one point I thought you might have been spending our wedding night in jail."

"It's lucky for us that no-one believed al-Jilani's story, but it still means we lost three days. We need to make up for that."

He took the glass from her hand, placing it on the table with his own. "Is that a hint Shepard?" He picked her up and carried her to the bed.

A while later Shepard sat up and looked around for her glass.

"We left our drinks over on the table." Kaidan reminded her.

"I'll get them." Shepard rolled off the bed and headed over to their drinks.

Kaidan watched her for a moment with a puzzled look on his face. "Shepard what the hell is that on your ass, and who is Aidan Kalenko?"

"What do you mean? I think you've had too much to drink. Better slow down if you want to make this night memorable."

"But Shepard…"

Shepard interrupted, "Jack and Joker were going on about Aidan Kalenko too. Must be some in joke cooked up between the two of them. We're going to have to keep them separated as much as possible you know. They are bad enough on their own but together they wreak havoc. As for my ass, I think I must have fallen down. Dr. Chakwas said it was a bit pink." She handed him his drink as she took a sip of her water.

"A bit pink!" Kaidan exclaimed. "Its _neon_ pink Shepard. It probably glows in the dark!" He gulped champagne, a bemused look on his face.

"You've _definitely_ had too much to drink. Since when have bruises been neon pink?"

"Shepard, it's **not** a bruise. You have a tattoo on your ass. A bright pink tattoo!"

She walked over to the mirror, craning her neck, a look of horror coming over her face as she saw her butt. "Jack! I'll kill her."

Kaidan stood and came over to her. "Don't worry about it now. Come back over here." He tried to pull her into his arms.

Shepard pushed him away, swearing profusely. ""I'm sorry Kaidan but I can't even think about doing anything now that I know that monstrosity is there."

"But Shepard, it's our wedding night. Remember?" he said in a plaintive tone. "We are both standing here naked on what is supposed to be our wedding night and you are worrying about something that you can't do anything about for the moment." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, resigned to the fact that once again his wedding night was not going to go as planned. With the way things were going he was lucky they'd actually ended up married.

"Let me put it as succinctly as I can Kaidan. It's fucking pink! I can't believe you expect me to feel amorous when I know it's there."

"Well there's nothing we can do about it now. We only have two nights Shepard. Two!" _So much for my earlier thought about our luck changing._

He watched as she walked over to her clothes and began to get dressed.

"Shepard, what are you doing?" He followed her and wrapped his arms around her.

"I'm going to find Chakwas and get her to get rid of this pink monstrosity."

"Come to bed. You can't even see it anyway. And if that's all that's worrying you, I'll turn off the lights."

"You're the one who said it would glow in the dark. I refuse to have anything that's bright pink anywhere near my body!" She pulled herself free of his arms and started to dress.

"Let me get this straight. You are more upset by the fact that it's pink than by the fact that it says Aidan Kalenko?" He was beginning to feel very frustrated now.

"Let me repeat Kaidan. It's fucking pink." She was fuming now, snapping her armour into place angrily.

"This pink thing you have, don't you think it's a bit, oh I don't know….mental?" He asked angrily reaching for his own clothes.

"I _have_ to be mental to put up with that bunch of imbeciles I call a squad. I just hope Chakwas hasn't had too much brandy."

The trip back to the Normandy was uneventful. Kaidan was thankful that they didn't run into anyone. _Although one look at Shepard's face would have served as a warning to stay out of her way._ He really wishing that he hadn't mentioned the damn tattoo and just ignored it like everyone else who knew about it apparently had.

To his surprise Shepard headed straight to the armoury instead of the medbay. His surprise gave way to concern however when she reached for her rocket launcher. He knew immediately who her intended target would be.

"Shepard put the rocket launcher down. Haven't you caused enough damage with that thing already? Besides, you can't shoot Jack, as appealing as that idea sounds right now."

"I'll just wing her a bit. Right in the ass. Consider it a bride's gift to her bridesmaid." She hoisted the weapon and reached for ammunition.

"You'll do more than wing her ass with that. She's not Miranda." He grabbed the rocket launcher out of her hands. The sooner he got her to Dr Chakwas the sooner this farcical honeymoon could finally take place.

"What are you thinking, taking such close notice of Miranda's ass anyway?" She eyed him narrowly.

"Well it's not like anyone can miss it, Shepard. It's almost like an extra squad member."

"Yeah, you have a point there. Let's go find Chakwas if you won't let me kill Jack." She grabbed his hand, pulling him with her as she made her way to the medbay.

Luckily Dr. Chakwas was in the medbay. Shepard eyed the bottle of brandy on her desk, noting with relief that it was still more than half full.

Dr Chakwas stood up in surprise as they entered. "Shepard, Alenko? What are you two doing here?"

Shepard began removing her armour. "I'll give you a clue Dr. Chakwas. What's bright pink and on my ass that my so called friends didn't bother to tell me about?"

"You're here because of the tattoo? Don't you two have better things to be thinking about tonight?"

"Apparently anything pink is an instant turn-off where Shepard is concerned, Doc," Kaidan said morosely as he sat down at her desk and helped himself to a glass of her brandy.

"Please tell me you don't really want it removed right now, Shepard?" Dr Chakwas shook her head as she walked over to Shepard, who was now laying face down on one of the beds with her ass exposed.

Shepard propped herself up on one elbow and looked Dr Chakwas in the eye. "That's exactly what I want Doc, and we are not leaving until it's gone."

"Shepard, you've had a big day. You're tired and emotional. Why don't we get rid of it when you finish your shore leave?"

Shepard shook her head. "I'm not tired. I haven't done anything that's even worked up a sweat today."

"I can vouch for that," Kaidan muttered under his breath.

"What do you expect me to do, Shepard?" Dr Chakwas said, throwing Kaidan a look of commiseration.

"Can't you use that machine that I spent all those damn resources on? Not that I ended up needing it because I'm too nice for my own good. I'm a bloody saint."

Chakwas looked at her in disbelief accompanied by choking noises from Kaidan. "Shepard there are many terms I've heard, both complimentary and not, in relation to you, but I don't think 'saint' was ever one of them."

"The fact that I haven't killed anyone or even seriously maimed them over this whole debacle shows that I am indeed a saint. I still haven't forgiven you for not telling me about this damn tattoo and removing it when you had me here a few days ago, Doctor."

"You can't blame everyone for being scared of how you'd react Shepard, saint or not. You can be somewhat unpredictable." Kaidan was trying hard not to incur her wrath by laughing. The brandy he was drinking was making the whole situation more ridiculous by the minute.

"Don't think I don't know that you are laughing at me Kaidan. You are going to have to do some serious sucking up to your wife when we get out of here."

"Me? _You're_ the one who dragged us here because the damn thing was pink. If I had my way I'd be enjoying…" He stopped suddenly remembering Dr Chakwas' presence in the room. "Well never mind what I would have been enjoying," he finished, blushing.

Dr Chakwas looked at him in amusement. "Never mind that now. Let's see what I can do to ensure that you and Saint Shepard, or Saint Alenko if you prefer, can get back to your enjoyment of…whatever."

It took a couple of hours but Dr Chakwas finally announced that the tattoo was gone, although Shepard refused to take her word for it and demanded a mirror. After surveying her now tattoo-less behind, she smiled and put on her armour before beckoning to Kaidan who sat slumped in the Doctor's chair.

"Now that's done, let's get back to that enjoyment you spoke of earlier."

Kaidan looked at her as he finished the last of the brandy in his glass before he stood up.

"I'm sorry Dr. Chakwas, I seem to have drunk your bottle of brandy. I will get you another one."

Dr. Chakwas walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder. "That's ok Kaidan. You needed it far more than I did tonight."

Kaidan sighed, nodding to Dr Chakwas as they left the medbay. He had a feeling that he was going to be doing a lot of sighing for the rest of his life with Shepard. _If anyone is going to come out of this with sainthood, it definitely deserves to be me._

* * *

When Shepard and Kaidan returned to the Normandy two days later they found themselves greeted by a banner featuring a picture of Shepard's butt tattoo and the words 'Welcome back Mr. and Mrs. Aidan Kalenko.' Kaidan still hadn't forgiven Jack for the trauma that damned tattoo had caused him but he was beginning to see the funny side of it.

"Well now you know what it feels like, Mary Sue. At least I'm not the only one who's been shot in the ass and the butt of everyone's jokes. Something else we have in common," He said in an amused voice.

"Kaidan, call me Mary Sue again and it will be instant divorce," Shepard replied as she ripped the poster down. "Jack and Joker are at the top of my hit list for this."

"Only been married two days and you're threatening to get rid of me already," Kaidan said mournfully.

"I wonder if I can find Aidan Kalenko. I'm sure he's much nicer than you are."

"Probably has a better ass too," He quipped, grinning at her.

"C'mon Kaidan. I don't think that's even possible. Although I suppose we could always run another Normandy poll, just to be sure."

"Is that safe with Chambers on the ship?"

"Good point. I don't think I want her thinking about your ass anymore than she does already."

"That is a very disturbing thought and one that I really don't want to pursue."

"Well lucky for you there's no time for that now. We have to stow our gear and run the gauntlet of the smartass remarks before we can get off the Citadel." Shepard headed towards the elevator still clutching the poster, already planning revenge on Jack.


End file.

Mass Effect, Humor