Bleach Bleach: The right tool for the job

**Fake Karakura Town: Logical Edition**

**The Right tool for the Job**

Ichigo Kurosaki rushed upwards, getting closer to Orihime with every floor he smashed through, even as he mentally prepared himself for his epic battle with his latest rival, the 4th Espada Ulquiorra Cifer. Sure, Ulquiorra had utterly humiliated him without even trying, but it had been like, two hours since then, so naturally they would be evenly matched.

He smashed through the ceiling, where he saw...

Nothing.

At all. From the looks of things no one had been around her for hours.

"Hello!" he called, walking throughout the empty halls. "Orihime! Ulquiorra!"

No one responded.

Then he saw something, a small letter, pinned to one of the pillars. He pulled out the pin, and opened it. Inside was a sheet of paper.

"What the hell." he said, as he unfolded it.

It read:

_To Ichigo Kurosaki_

_Your recent defeat of Grimmjow, and subsequent survival of Nnoitora's surprise attack has caused me to come to a revelation. You see, unlike Lord Aizen I have long believed that the easiest solution is usually the best. And killing you, is hard. _

_Since Los Noches is worthless to Lord Aizen now anyway. I have opted to seal the borders between the worlds and strand you here while I assist Lord Aizen in his attack on Karakura town._

_The woman is with me._

_Sincerely yours_

_Ulquiorra Cifer._

_P.S. I told you that you were wasting your time here._

There was a pause as Ichigo absorbed this.

"ULQUIORRA YOU MOTHERF-"

...

"So" said Orihime, as she gazed around the Fake Karakura town "Why did you bring me here."

"Because, woman, your healing abilities will be quite helpful in the aftermath of this battle." replied Ulquiorra "Also, to spite your friend Kurosaki."

"Oh…" said Orihime, looking downcast. "So you don't want me to fight or anything."

"If it is any consolation, woman." said Ulquiorra "I am not allowing you to get involved in the battle because I do not trust your loyalty, rather than any actual concern for your well being."

"It does, thanks." she said, blushing.

He turned, and drew his sword.

"Now if you'll excuse me." he said, leaping into the air. "I have a captain to kill."

He was gone in a single flash step.

"Ulquiorra-kun is such a nice person." she said to herself, as she put up her shield.

...

A few moments later, Ulquiorra stood before a short, ninja woman. Her hair was black, and cut into a bowl style haircut, and she held herself in a state of readiness.

"So you are an Espada." she said harshly. "I am Captain Soifon of squad 2 and the head of the stealth force. I'm here to kill you."

"I see." said the real Ulquiorra "I am Espada number 4, Ulquiorra Cifer. And you are welcome to make the attempt."

"You talk to much." said Soi Fon "As the head of the stealth force, I will defeat you quickly. With stealth."

"Very well." said Ulquiorra "We shall see about that-"

"I even have a Zanpakto that kills in two hits!" gloated Soifon, bringing out her sword "It injects a poison with the first strike, and then makes it acidic with the second, obliterating the person in question! Stealthily!"

"Fine." said Ulquiorra, sounding slightly annoyed. "Now are we going to begin or-"

"In fact!" said Soifon loudly "I was trained by Yoruichi Shihoin, the fastest shinigami who has ever lived!"

"Why is it necessary to give me all this information-" began Ulquiorra.

"You should feel honored that one who she trained is going to be the one who kills you! And you will never see it coming! Because I am VERY GOOD AT STEALTH!" At this point her screaming was echoing across the town.

The other captains and Espada were beginning to stare.

Ulquiorra started charging a Cero to distract him from the humiliation of talking to this idiot.

...

Meanwhile on the opposite side of the battlefield, the traitor Kaname Tosen was facing down Shunsui Kyoraku.

They had fought to a standstill already, for though Shunsui was more experienced, Tosen was relied on sensing spiritual pressure, and thus could not be taken by surprise.

"Your tricks cannot fool me, Captain Kyoraku!" said Tosen, parrying another strike, before attempting to roundhouse kick the older man in the back. "No matter where you go or what you try, my justice senses will fine you.".

"I can see that." said Shunsui, ducking under his strike, and distancing himself from the blind ex-captain "I suppose I'll have to take this a bit more seriously then."

He readied his duel blades. "Flower Wind Rage and Flower God Ro-"

"Cry, Benihiko." said Tosen, and suddenly his sword sent forth a shower of blades.

"Heavenly- Ohgodtheswords." finished Kyoraku, dodging to one side as the blades rushed past him "What the hell man!?"

"What do you mean?" said Tosen dryly "We are enemies, and I have sworn to uphold justice above all else. Why should I wait for your to initiate your trump card, when I could just stab you before you get a chance to finish the release command?"

"That's not very fair." complained Kyoraku.

"Justice isn't fair." said Tosen, before attacking him again.

...

Ulquiorra was still charging his cero, and Soifon was still ranting. At this point it was six times as strong as a Cero Oscuras in his first resurrection. The air around it wavered slightly from the sheer compressed energy that was within the attack.

Soifon had apparently not noticed this fact, however. She had, however, gone from boasting, to predicting the end of the universe.

"…and the skies shall rain fire, and the seas shall rage, and the people shall cry out why has the noble Yoruichi forsaken us so!" cried Soifon with the voice of a zealot "And she shall answer…"

Ulquiorra almost found her ability to remain completely oblivious to her impending doom impressive.

Almost.

He put a bit more energy into the attack.

...

Starrk and Captain Ukitake faced each other down.

"Hey, uh, Ukitake is it." said Starrk "I don't suppose we could just pretend to fight until the rest of the battle is over."

"Well" said Captain Ukitake thoughtfully "I don't really like needless violence, so as long as you don't make any offensive moves, I see no reason why we should even bother pretending."

"Oh." said Starrk "Well, that's good too."

There was a pause.

"So, have you been a Captain for long or…"

"Oh yeah, quite a few year." answered Ukitake cheerfully. "I'm actually the forth most powerful, you know."

"Oh really?" said Starrk "That's cool. I'm the Primera, but to be perfectly honest I really think Ulquiorra deserves it more. I mean, he is the only Espada who is taking this war seriously, so I think he deserves the job."

"Which one is Ulquiorra?" asked Ukitake.

Starrk pointed in the direction of the massive dark green Cero, still charging in front of Captain Soi Fon.

"Ah…" said Ukitake nervously "This could get messy."

"Yup."

...

Ulquiorra was actually beginning to get concerned. The Cero he was holding had begun set fire the buildings below, and his hand burned from holding it. If it weren't for his super regeneration, he would have lost a few fingers by now.

"-And I looked unto the cat, and the cat that I saw was beautiful, and fuzzy, and-

If he was totally honest with himself, he was only still holding it at this point to see just how long she could rant without stopping. At this rate, however he would have to release it before she finished…

"HA!" yelled Kyoraku as he finally managed to release his Shikai. "Now I shall be able to- HOLY SHIT!" he yelled as he barely ducked out of the way of an attack that would have cut his head off.

He leapt back parrying several more attacks from Tosen, before disappearing into his shadow own, and striking at Tosen from behind, who narrowly leapt away.

The blind man leapt into the air, denying his enemy access to the shadows and blocking a strike from behind, before spinning away some ten feet away from Kyoraku.

"Good job Tosen." said Shunsui casually "I really thought I had snuck past your field of vision there."

"I'm blind, you imbecile." said Tosen in annoyance "I don't have a field of vision."

"…Fair enough." said Kyoraku "I suppose I'll just have to activate another of my Zanpakto's abilities that will work. Irooni. White."

Suddenly Koraku leapt forward, pushing down Tosens blade with one sword, and stabbing at his chest with the other. Tosen backpedaled, taking a small slice on his arm. Though the attack was minor, he noticed that it was bleeding far more than a cut of it's size should have been."

"What was that?" he said, readying himself for another spring.

"It was one of my swords special ability." said Shunsui smugly "My Zanpakto turns children's games into reality."

"What a stupid concept."

Shunsui ignored him "The way this game works is simple. We each take turns saying colors, and the color we pick is the only place either of us can cut. The more of the color we are wearing, the more damage we do." he paused "Your turn by the way."

There was silence for a moment.

Then Tosen spoke "I'm blind." he said after a moment.

"It does seem that way, doesn't it." said Shunsui with smirk.

"How the hell am I supposed to know what color each of us is wearing! I've never even seen colors before in my life!"

"That doesn't sound like my problem." replied Shunsui in a smug tone.

"This is hardly fair." said Tosen reproachfully.

"Justice isn't fair." said Shunsui before attacking again.

...

"I am Captain Sajin Kommamura of Sqaud Seven." said the massive Wolf Headed Captain to the Espada before him.

"…Tia Halibel." said the third Espada, a voluptuous woman with blonde hair. "And I am the 3rd Espada of-"

"Tenken!" said Kommamura, swatting Halibel with a giant translucent hand, knocking her out of the sky. Halibel fell down and did not rise again.

"Well that was easy." said Kommamura to himself, somewhat surpised "It's almost as if she was an incompetant warrior, who didn't deserve her rank."

...

"AIZEN!" yelled Hitsugaya, brandishing his **supposedly** powerful Zanpakto "I CAME HERE TO VIOLENTLY-"

"Shoot to kill Shinso. "said Gin, before stabbing Hitsugaya in the chest. Hitsugaya fell to the ground, KO'd in seconds.

"Well, that easy." said Aizen.

"The kid needed to release his limiter to defeat one of the weakest Fraccion in our army." replied Gin with a shrug "What the hell did you think was going to happen."

"It was merely making an observation." said Aizen with a shrug.

...

Ulquiorra was bored. This in itself was something of an accomplishment on the part of Soi Fon. The 4th Espada had spent the first few hundred years of his 'life' walking around in a featureless desert, and yet this so called ninja had managed to be even more long winded and dull then that.

If he hadn't grown to despise her so much in the past few minutes, he may have been impressed.

"…and that is why I am the single most stealthy! Subtle! And effective leader of the stealth force to ever live!" yelled Soifon at the top of her lungs, her voice echoing across the fake town.

At this point the Cero had begun to warp reality in the area around it, and Ulquiorra decided that enough was enough.

Ordinarily Ulquiorra was not one for one for one liners, but given the amount of idiocy he had put up with from this Captain, he decided that **some **form of insult was in order before he obliterated her from existence.

Thus, he chose one that he felt would likely be effective.

"Lady Yoruichi is a hideous irresponsible hag, with loose morals." he said, his tone casual. "And you are a terrible ninja."

Soi Fon's face twisted into one of absolute rage. "HOW DARE YOU INSULT LADY YORUICHI!" She yelled rushing headlong at Ulquiorra, screaming in rage.

This was not the best idea she ever had.

Far from it, it in fact.

"Cero Ultima." said Ulquiorra, releasing the energy he had been building for a long time, and coining the name of the attack in the same moment.

'Cero Ultima' was not an ordinary attack. It was an beam of energy so powerful that reality itself could not fully contain it. Indeed Ulquiorra had charged the attack the point where it stopped being an Cero, and started being an advancing wall of complete annihilation.

In the history of massive explosive waves there have been five examples that have been considered the most dangerous, the most destructive, and most forbidden.

This one left them all behind.

The green attack rushed forward with such power that every single building in the town shook and fell. The captains and Espada were thrown away from the sheer force. Even Yammamoto could not maintain his footing, The beam of pure darkness washed over the entirety of the field of battle in front of Ulquiorra, utterly annihilating anything and everything that it touched.

Needless to say, Captain Soi Fon did not have time to dodge.

Neither did Captain Yammamoto and Barragan, who were hit head on by the attack, which consumed them in darkness, before exploding when it hit the barrier around Karakura town. The whole of battlefield was consumed in utter darkness for a few moments.

When at last the energy cleared away, the whole of Fake Karakura town was in utter ruins, and all but one person one person on the battlefield was standing.

Orihime Inoue looked round, at the fallen forms of her enemies, and friends all around her. "Well, I guess I had better heal them from near death. Again." She sighed. "I hope the others are having more fun than me."

…...

"Split the party you said!" yelled Ichigo to Rukia in frustration "We'll find Orihime faster that way you said! Well how did that plan work out Midget?!"

"Well at least I didn't abandon my mission to have a showdown with my Archrival, thus allowing them to recapture Orihime." said Rukia.

"Grimmjow was a threat to the mission!"

"Oh yes, I'm sure." said Rukia sarcastically "And that's why you had Orihime heal him for the sake of a fair fight, right?"

"Well at least I actually accomplished something. Which is more than can be said of you."

"I killed the Ninth Espada!"

"Big deal, I could have oneshotted that looser. Hell, YOU ONE SHOTTED THAT LOSER!"

"Will both of you shut up!" said Uryu from the sidelines. "I already have enough problems with owing my life to someone I've sworn a blood oath oath of vengeance upon without you two constantly bitching!"

Meanwhile, Chad and Yammy were watching from the sidelines. The Mexican teen glanced over at the massive Arrancar. "You ever get the feeling that nobody on your team takes you seriously?"

"Every day of my life, kid." said Yammy in annoyance.

…...

**Authors Note:**

Well, here is another Bleach fic. This one is kind of odd, as if basically just runs with the idea that different set of characters faced off in the fake Karakura town Arc. I had a lot of fun writing it, and I hope you enjoy it. It was kind of a random idea, but it will hopefull work.

If you like it, you might want to check out my other fanfic Bleach: Logical edition.

There will likely be a second chapter, though I can't make any promises on when. Thank you for reading.

Please review.

-Lord22.


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Bleach, Humor, Parody