Harry Potter Justin Biebermort and the Sorceror's Swag

Author's notes: Harry Potter and the Biebs don't belong to me. Dedicated to my little sister, who loves Justin B. with all the inexplicable but admirable flame of youth.

Summary: Justin Bieber is Voldemort's son who has been inadvertently using an incredibly strong love charm to bewitch muggles. He attends Hogwarts and hilarity ensues. SWAG!

* * *

Justin Bieber was on top of the world.

He really had it all. At age 19, he had the most twitter followers on the face of the planet. It was like, one every two seconds or something. Totally cool. Plus he had the voice of an angel. If he was in a Disney movie, birds would be following him around and picking up his fifty pairs of crotch-drop pants for him.

"I'm the man." The Biebs said to himself, licking his fingers and brushing a stray eyebrow hair back into its perfectly waxed place.

Justin was relaxing on his tour bus, feet propped up against a pile of cushions. He was pretty tired from jet-lag, being as he had just returned from a trip to Tokyo. Or maybe it was Hong Kong? Same country.

He snapped his tenth selfie of the day with his iPhone SXF 400. Justin took a look at it, and felt a new tantrum coming on.

"GODDAMMIT!" Justin chucked his phone at the sofa in a fit of rage. The screen immediately cracked into a thousand pieces, as Apple products are wont to do. "WHY IS THIS PHONE SO HUGE?!"

A patter of feet came rushing from the front of the bus. Justin watched as the feet reached the heavy curtain drawn across the ceiling, and then hesitated.

"Uh...Mr. Bieber?" Came a tentative voice.

"The new iPhone is like the size of my HEAD." Justin complained. "It's literally a foot long."

"Sorry about that, sir. Um...can I come in your...room?

"It's called the Bieb Cave." Justin sighed, putting a diva hand up to his forehead. "Yes, come in."

His personal assistant drew the curtain from the wall and awkwardly entered.

"Can I get you something, sir? Maybe a go-gurt? Or some hummus?"

"God, no, do I look like I'm twelve?" Justin shook his head in disgust. "Get me some animal crackers and a water. And pick out all the hippos, they freak me out."

"Yes, sir. Do you want a cup or a bottle?"

"A cup of Smart Water, obviously." Justin snapped. He looked at the assistant critically. "Are you new?"

The assistant shifted uncomfortably onto his other foot. He reminded Justin of a giraffe, really tall and ginger. Justin liked giraffes.

"No, sir, I'm Rupert? I've been here for...four months now?"

"Are you asking me or are you telling me, Robert?"

"T-telling you."

"Okay then, Roger. You're lucky I like giraffes."

"Y-yes...thank you? I'll just...get the things now." Rudy shuffled quickly away.

Justin shook his head benevolently at Ryan's clear incompetence. He would be writing about that in his diary later. He and Usher liked to share entries every so often during their sleepovers.

A few boxes of hippo-free animal crackers and some Smart Water later, Justin curled up on his sofa to watch the newest episodes of My Little Pony. It was hard being so awesome sometimes. Just plain tiring.

* * *

"You want him to do _what_?!"

Minerva Mcgonagall had experienced a lot of things in her life. One time when she was 9, her mother had accidentally added Zit-B-Gone cream in a cake mix. Minerva belched fire for an entire week before the Ministry of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes could sort her out. She terrorized her entire school like a mini-dragon during Taco Tuesday. But having Harry Potter show up in her office with Justin Bieber seemed like a precursor for some terrible storyline.

(Which it was)

"I'm sorry." Harry shrugged helplessly. "Justin Bieber is a wizard and he will go to Hogwarts."

Minerva cursed with a long, steady stream of unpublishable words that would leave any non-British person at a loss when writing her fanfiction.

Harry gasped. "I don't know if I should be appalled at your language...or completely in admiration."

"I don't give a hoot." Mcgonagall huffed. "Get _that_ out of my office."

Her finger was currently pointed at the object of their conversation. Justin Bieber slept on the Headmistress's stone floor with a peace that made her foot itch to kick away.

Harry Potter and Minerva Mcgonagall were currently in her office. The walls were as always, hung with the portraits of previous Headmasters and Headmistresses in Hogwart's history. Currently, the portrait's occupants were clustered around their frames to get a better look at the going-ons. Phineas Black, Minerva dourly noticed, was unconvincingly feigning sleep.

Unlike during Albus Dumbledore's tenure, Minerva liked keeping her office sparse and uncluttered, with subdued gray and brown furniture. Her thinking was always clearer in places with colors that didn't vie for her attention. The only gaudy object in here, in fact, was probably the young man snoring on her floor.

"Dear lord, Potter, why on earth are his knickers showing?" Minerva asked, adjusting her glasses as she took a reluctant closer look. "It's positively obscene."

"Trust me, Headmistress, I tried pulling his trousers up. But I think they're meant to do that." Harry rubbed his shock of black hair, which only made it stick up even further. "Honestly, I don't really understand this generation of Muggles."

"I hope he knows if, and I said _if_, he joins Hogwarts as a student, he'll need proper robes that covers his buttocks."

"Absolutely. I agree." Harry replied complacently. He was already tired from the maneuvers he pulled to get here. Thankfully, Justin's predictable routine of animal crackers before bedtime allowed easy enough use of a Sleeping Draught.

Mcgonagall sighed and sat down on her chair. "Hogwarts has never taken a student so old before. And his ancestry?"

"Headmistress, I-"

"Minerva, Potter."

"Minerva. The Department of Magical Law Enforcement has been following Justin Bieber for months now." Harry looked down at the sleeping Canadian pop star with vague morbid fascination. "He's been unwittingly releasing the strongest love charm we've ever seen on millions of Muggles. Young girls have had their brains completely addled by his magic. They even call themselves...Beliebers."

Minerva shuddered.

"We found it hard to believe, too. It wasn't such a concern at first, but our inside agent tells us this fellow's behavior has gotten increasingly irrational recently. Well, he's turned into a...a bit of a twat."

"I can believe it." Minerva groused.

"Anyways, we can't risk him becoming some out-of-control love warlock and addling the brains of innocent Muggles everywhere."

"But why is the Department acting _now_?" The Headmistress demanded.

"His mother is a Squib, and completely against magic of any kind." Harry's grimaced. "There's nothing the Ministry can do about a mother who wants her child to be raised as a Muggle. Justin isn't even aware the wizarding world exists."

"And how sure are you that his father is…?"

"You know that Ron and I have been collecting Voldemort's old rubbish. All I can tell you right now is we are sure it's true."

"Does his mother know he's here?" Minerva asked suspiciously.

"He's an adult now." Harry said evasively. "And we have someone using Polyjuice Potion until we can figure something out."

"_If_ I allow it, Potter." Minerva snapped. She stood up now and paced around her office. She stopped in front of one portrait, and looked up. "What do you think, Albus?"

Albus Dumbledore's familiar blue eyes twinkled down at her over his half-moon spectacles. "I think you know what the right thing to do is, Minerva."

Minerva sighed again. "Potter, if not Hogwarts, then where?"

"Well." Harry said slowly. "We might put him under strict supervision for a while."

"Imprisonment, you mean."

"The Minister won't be able to keep a lid on this. No one will trust Voldemort's son in any other place but under the supervision of the school that defeated his father."

"Politics." The Headmistress said disgustedly. Well, at least Kingsley was better than Fudge. There was an gormless muppet if she's ever seen one. And being in a school filled with adolescents, she'd seen just a few more than A LOT.

"He's just a kid that's lost his way." Harry pleaded. "Here, he'll have people that he can be friends with to teach him how to properly use his magic."

"He'll also have enemies." Minerva countered. "And Potter..." She drifted off as she stared at Justin Bieber's My Little Pony knickers. "...really?"

"Really."

The Headmistress of Hogwarts sighed for a final time. Turning to the snoring boy lying on her floor, the Headmistress of Hogwarts raised her wand.

"_Rennervate._"

* * *

Justin opened his eyes blearily. Something was not right. Something was terribly wrong.

"Why do I have a wedgie?" The Biebs shot an outraged look to the glasses wearing nerd and the old lady who looked like she just bit into a crabapple. "Who pulled my pants up?! Was it you, you cross-dressing hipster?"

Harry looked behind him to make sure he was the one being spoken to.

Justin climbed to his feet and dusted his pants, pulling them down with the righteous anger of a thousand suns. "YES, YOU!" Justin confirmed, jabbing his finger into Harry's chest. "You're the only one with giant glasses and a dress in here, aren't you?"

Harry wanted to say, "No," but technically the answer was yes. Sad face.

Justin swept the room with the derisive look. "This is the worst hotel I've ever seen."

"This is my office, Mr. Bieber." Minerva said crisply.

"Well, there's like a hundred pictures of old dudes." Justin raised his eyebrows and shot Minerva an appraising look. "Waddup wit dat."

"_What_-"

"Listen, Mr. Bieber." Harry quickly cut in. The Headmistress was about to transfigure Justin Bieber into a bottle of maple syrup. "You're a wizard, and you need to go to school to learn how to control your magic."

Silence. Harry heard what sounded suspiciously like a snicker from Phineas's portrait.

Justin nodded slowly. "Yeah...you mean like...a music wizard."

"No, I mean like a real wizard."

"Yeah, you mean like a real wizard...of music."

"No...I mean you're a real wizard of _magic_."

"You mean like, I'm like magical with my words and shiz." Justin showcased some jazz hands to emphasize his magical-ness.

Harry resisted the urge to face-palm.

"I'm weaving a spell on my fans, nahmean nahmean." Justin continued, still waving his jazz hands.

"Well, yes." Harry admitted. "Ironically."

"So are you guys like, my new swag coaches?" Justin walked around them, looking at them up and down. "You dudes are wearing some cray cray looking dresses, but I'm all about the high fashion."

"I have no idea what you mean by swag and I don't care to." The Headmistress snapped. "We need to-"

"OH EM GEE!" Justin squealed or...let out a manly gasp. "This picture is moving!"

The young pop star stared deep into the eyes of Severus Snape, who looked like he just smelled week-old monkey doo doo on the bottom of his wizardly shoes.

"Oh my god, this is like the biggest I-Pad I've ever seen." Justin said excitedly. "I've GOT to get me one of these. Maybe with like a picture of Kate Upton or something though, your taste in men is _weird_, lady."

"Potter, I'm leaving you to deal with this." The Headmistress stalked towards the door. "I need to talk to the other Professors."

"Nooo…." Harry said forlornly, grasping ineffectually at the air as he was left alone with Justin Bieber.

"We don't need her, brah." Justin started poking Snape's nose, which only succeeded in making Snape almost swoon with rage.

"I wouldn't do that." Harry hastily drew Justin aside. "First things first, I need to explain to you where you are."

"Uh huh."

"We're at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where you'll be attending to learn your..magical swag." Harry winced a bit.

"I hate school, but I'm all about swag." Biebs said graciously.

"Right." Harry pointed at a banner hanging above the Headmistress's desk, depicting the coat of arms of Hogwarts. "There are four houses in Hogwarts, named after their founders. Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw."

"Lemme see…" Justin squinted at the banner. "it's a lion, a snake, a crow—"

"Eagle." Harry corrected.

"Whatever. " Justin rolled his eyes. His face took on a look of puzzlement as he stared at the last mascot. "I can't remember what this one's called. Oh! Does it sound kinda like the word 'quesadilla?'"

Harry wrapped his mind around this. "Are you talking about an armadillo?" Harry ventured hesitantly.

"Yeeeeeah that's it." Justin pointed at the Hufflepuff badger in smug triumph. "An armadillo. SWAG!"

Harry wisely decided to say nothing at all.

"I like Mexican food." Justin offered sagely. "Maybe this house is the one for me. How many rooms does it have?"

"Er, I dunno." Harry felt like this conversation was quickly getting away from him. "How about we just go on a tour?"

"Aight."

And they were off.


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor, Parody