Lord of the Rings 1. The Hyper Potion

Summary: Boromir and Celeborn discover the hyper potion, which drives them completely and utterly off-the-wall! How will Legolas, and all of Middle- earth, deal with it?  
  
AK: "In this story Boromir is probably about eighteen which would make Legolas still almost three thousand and Celeborn...really, really old. If you're wondering how Boromir and Celeborn know about some modern day things, read the SSALCB chronicles to find out!"  
  
Disclaimer: I own the obvious!  
  
~~~  
  
It is the dead of night, and not an elf stirs in the fair land of Imladris, or Rivendell as it is more commonly called. Well no, there is an elf stirring. Stirring quite a bit actually. An elf and a man. No, it is not Legolas and Aragorn, though that would probably make more sense. This pare is actually Boromir, son of Denethor Steward of Gondor and the well loved but less credited: put your hands together for Celeborn, Lord of Lothlórien!  
  
The two males have sneaked into Lord Elrond's private stores, and are mixing together various herbs and plants in a unidentified liquidy substance that looks suspiciously brown. Boromir cackles as he pours a white, ground up substance into the strange concoction. Celeborn puts on his best "I don't think we should be here" expression, but can't help laughing at the thought of Elrond's face if he saw what the two of them were up to.  
  
"Hey, Celeborn. Do you want to stir?" Boromir asks, offering him a large, wooden spoon. The elf lord nods, and seizes the spoon with his left hand. He rolls up his ridiculously long sleeves before stirring madly for a minute or two.  
  
"Ok, I think it's done!" The lord of Lothlórien assesses, taking a whiff of the bizarre looking potion. Boromir grins eagerly, and reaches for the bowl.  
  
"Dare me to try it?" Celeborn nods in agreement, quite interested himself about how this whole operation would turn out. "Will you try it after me?" Boromir asks, eyeing the elf suspiciously.  
  
"Yes, of coarse." says Celeborn, his voice taking on an impatient tone. 'Drink it already!' he thinks.  
  
Boromir flashes his friend a sly smile, not missing the elf's exasperation. With one last look at the door to make sure no one is coming, the young man takes a big gulp of the potion, a look of ecstasy flashing across his eyes. After a few seconds he removes the bowl from his face and passes it to Celeborn, bliss written all across his face.  
  
"That...was...great! I have never tasted anything like it! Try it, Celeborn, you'll love it!" Intrigued by Boromir's reaction, the elf lord carefully brings the bowl up to his face and takes a small sip. The taste is absolutely explosive! Boromir was right; in all his thousands of years he had never tasted anything like this! Forgetting his manners, Celeborn imitates the young man and begins chugging the delicious drink. After a bit, the elf passes it back to the man who has a great swig. They take turns passing the bowl back and forth until the utensil is completely empty.  
  
"Well that was excellent," begins Boromir. "I think we'd better head back to bed now before someone gets suspicious!" Celeborn nods and takes not three steps before falling flat on his face. Boromir looks on, flabbergasted.  
  
"Are you okay? Are you hurt?" He asks, concerned.  
  
"I seem to have fallen." Celeborn squints up at Boromir. "Wow, I never knew you were so tall, Bor'mir." The man of Gondor stares at the elf for a few seconds before bursting out laughing.  
  
"I'm not tall, Cel'born, you're on the floor! Eek! Spiders live on the floor!" Boromir suddenly shrieks and jumps into the air. He trips over the empty potion bowl, and plummets to the ground, giggling madly.  
  
"Hey! Now we're the same height! Can I have a tuna fish?" Boromir rolls his eyes at the downed elf.  
  
"No you may *not* have a tuna fish! Come on, Cel'born, let's all go to the movies!" The man jumps to his feet and starts dancing around the room, banging into various cabinets and desks, causing glass bottles to come crashing to the floor, spilling their multi-colored contents everywhere. Celeborn clambers to his feet as well and joins Boromir's insane 'dance.'  
  
"Bor'mir!" screams Celeborn.  
  
"What?" Boromir screams in response.  
  
"Wanna go do something?"  
  
"Okay!"  
  
The two friends hop out of the room, laughing loudly, unaware that they have woken up nearly everyone in Elrond's house.  
  
~~~  
  
It is the middle of the night, and Legolas Greenleaf, Son of Thranduil king of Mirkwood is supposed to be asleep. He is, however, not. That blasted noise had woken him up. What elf could possibly be so loud this time of night, or anytime of day! Unless...  
  
"Estel!!!" He is the only human in Rivendell, isn't he?  
  
"I didn't do it!" Comes the quick, sleepy reply.  
  
This answer doesn't help Legolas though because Estel, or Aragorn, is asleep in the same room as the elf, and therefore can't possibly be the one making such a racket. Wait, isn't the steward's son-Boromir wasn't it?- staying here too?  
  
"Boromir!!" The prince shouts loudly, causing Aragorn to kick violently in his sleep. Wasn't the ranger supposed to be a light sleeper? Or was that just a hoax?  
  
"You raaaaaaaaang?"  
  
Legolas jumps a foot in the air, bringing him face to face with Boromir. He must have sneaked up upon the elf while he was contemplating Aragorn's sleep habits. Wait...why was Boromir so far off the ground? Legolas takes a closer look at the young human who is most certainly not standing on the ground. No, he is being carried by somebody else. "Lord Celeborn?!!?"  
  
Celeborn chuckles quietly. "Yeeeeeees?"  
  
"Why are you carrying Denethor's son?" asks Legolas, raising a questioning eyebrow.  
  
"I'm not," he responds, a perfectly serious expression on his flawless face. Without blinking the lord of Lothlórien pulls his arms to his sides, causing Boromir to drop rather unceremoniously to the ground.  
  
"Ouchies, that was painful, Cel'born. Do it again!" Boromir holds out his arms for Celeborn to grab, but Legolas will have none of that.  
  
"Stop it, you two! I don't know what's gotten into you, and I don't really want to know. Go back to sleep, ok?"  
  
The two hyper people glower at the sleeping form of Aragorn for a minute, exchange a few glances, and then nod their heads in agreement.  
  
"We will obey your orders, captain, but we have to tell you something urgent!" Boromir announces, waving his arms around to emphasize his words.  
  
"What is it?" Legolas is starting to become frustrated.  
  
"Beware of the Crab trees!"  
  
The two friends exit the room with what they think is an air of mystery about them. Legolas watches them leave in annoyance, too tired to notice the small crab apple, aimed for his forehead, go flying past and crash into the wall, leaving a small red stain.  
  
~~~  
  
Elrond, Lord of Rivendell, has somehow managed to sleep right through the racket Boromir and Celeborn have made. He is; however, rudely awaken at the sound of somebody pounding on his door.  
  
"Who is it?" He asks, grumpily.  
  
"Special delivery," says a voice.  
  
"What? At this hour?"  
  
"Special delivery." The voice answers again, only slightly more urgent.  
  
"Fine, fine. Slip it under the door."  
  
The voice chortles quietly and sends the letter under the door. Elrond can hear the sound of feet rushing away. He shrugs, and drags himself out of bed and staggers rather ungracefully to the door. The half-elf bends down, and retrieves the letter, curious as to why there is no seal. He opens the letter and reads it.  
  
//Dear Elrond,  
  
Hi, I hope this isn't too much of a bother for you, but one of your sons has stolen something of great value from me. Yes, he has stolen my pocket lint. Not a great deal of it, but enough to make me worry. Now I know that you are very busy, but would you please retrieve this lint for me? And could you also tell the cooks to make the salads *with* fluffy stuff this time? Thank you for your time.  
  
Sincerely, Rimorob and Nrobelec.//  
  
'Pocket lint?' Elrond shakes his head, puts the letter on his desk, and slips back into bed. 'What kind of a name is Rimorob?' 


	2. Elven Robes and Hot Sauce

'Elvin robes and hot sauce.'  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
"Legolas! Rise and shine, I have some good news to tell you!" Aragorn exclaims, poking Legolas repeatedly on his upper arm.  
  
"Go away," the elf mumbles, burrowing deeper into the covers. The ranger pulls the blankets off and throws them to the ground, flashing Legolas a very annoying smile.  
  
"Guess what?" Aragorn asks while taking a seat at the edge of the bed.  
  
"No way! It's raining blue pants!?" Legolas is now fully awake. He leaps out of bed and stares across the room at the door that Boromir and Celeborn have just entered.  
  
The Mirkwood elf narrows his eyes at the son of Denethor, wondering if he is feeling well. Then he remembered the events of the previous night. Something was amiss, and the elf intended to know what it was.  
  
Aragorn snickers slightly at Boromir before answering. "No, that's not it. There's going to be a huge party tonight!"  
  
Legolas is intrigued. "Why?"  
  
"Well, I don't rightly know, but Ada said that he needed to do something exciting to relieve himself of stress. He said to dress in your finest clothing for it will be very formal. Nobles from all over are going to attend! Lord Celeborn, I'd wager your wife might even attend!" Aragorn turns his gaze to the elf lord and the other human who are taking turns jumping off Legolas's bed into a rather large pile of dirty laundry. Celeborn freezes in mid-air when Aragorn addresses him, but after a second the law of gravity remembers its job and pulls the elf rather forcefully to the ground. He looks up at the ranger with adorable puppy dog eyes.  
  
"Can I have a cookie, please?" Celeborn rises to his knees and grasps his hands together as if praying. "Oh, and if you do see Galadriel, tell her that I'm not here!"  
  
Aragorn frowns down at Celeborn, silently questioning the situation. Why would Celeborn, Lord of Lothlórien ever, *ever* bow to him? The ranger spins around and quietly exits the room, the frown never leaving his face. That was just too weird for him.  
  
"Leggo my Eggo!" Boromir suddenly screams.  
  
Legolas twirls around angrily to face the young man, and would have been red with rage if elves could turn red. The prince had an almost infinite amount of patients, but silly nicknames were one thing he could absolutely not stand!  
  
"How dare you make fun of my name you...you...son of a smelly steward!" Boromir and Celeborn jump a foot in the air in reaction to Legolas's shouting, dropping the eggo they had been fighting over just moments before. The son of a smelly steward's bottom lip began to quiver. His hands twitch spasmodically and his eyes become moist. A few seconds later he bursts into very loud, wet tears. Celeborn is practically livid, entirely despising anything that would dare make his dear friend cry. And the 'anything' just happens to be our dear prince Legolas. The elder elf's icy glare rests on said elf and he quickly rushes to his side. Celeborn makes a fist and holds it threateningly in front of Legolas's face.  
  
"This," says Celeborn, "Is for Boromir!" The last thing Legolas sees before taking his second sleep of the day is the very shiny silver ring Galadriel had given to her husband at their wedding.  
  
~~~  
  
Far away in the laundry room, Boromir is inspecting a pair of very fancy Elvin robes. Celeborn is busy attempting to sniff out the pair of shoes that go with it, but to no avail.  
  
"Cel'born?" Boromir asks, turning the robe's pockets inside-out in a hopeless attempt to find some pocket lint.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Would these robes look better with the blue socks or the green one's?" Celeborn looks up from his sniffing to scrutinize the cloths Boromir is holding. After a minute he nods and returns to his search.  
  
Boromir rolls his eyes in annoyance. "Cel'born, you didn't answer me! I must know if I'm going to make G'ladriel fall for me!"  
  
"Okay," Celeborn says, "wear the green one's, but this conversation didn't happen."  
  
The steward's son jumps up and down in excitement before running off to the lavatories to get changed. Soon after the elf lord finds what he was hunting.  
  
"Yummy, hot sauce!" he beams, displaying a giant bottle of death sauce. "Let's see...it says 'Warning! Only put one drop on your food at a time! Choking hazard! Keep out of reach of elflings.' So, I suppose I should put this is the kitchen because what fun is food without hot sauce? That's right, no fun." Celeborn skips out the room, mumbling to himself about the importance of hot sauce and Buffalo wings. He sneaks into the kitchen and switches the death sauce bottle with the olive oil bottle. Once he has completed his mission, the lord of Lórien has a good evil cackle before turning tail and bolting. The entire kitchen staff watches him exit, swapping amused looks before returning to their duties.  
  
Celeborn catches up with Boromir halfway to the lavatories. The latter is wearing the set of Elvish robes which appear to be way too tight and short. There is a quite noticeable rip over one of the sleeves. His locks are braided messily and covered in Arwen's hair ornaments. The elf's jaw drops in shock.  
  
"I *know* the robes need to be lengthened, but aren't the braids to die for?" Boromir asks, fingering one of the mini braids. "If you want I'll do your hair too, Cel'born."  
  
Celeborn hesitates a second before agreeing. "I will let you *only* if I get to wear some fancy robes too!" Boromir smiles widely, grabs the elf's wrist, and drags him back towards the laundry room. The room is just as they had left it, only this time there is someone else standing there. The person eye's scan the young man's body, from his braided head to his green- socked toes. Boromir flinches visibly and Celeborn gets the chills. The new elf's eyes finally rest on the large rip.  
  
"Those were my favorite robes!" The elf shrieks and lunges at Boromir who dodges just in time. The elf lord and the man flee, screaming from the laundry room. Arwen growls from her place on the floor, rises, and chases after the duo, yelling curses and threats in every language she can think of. 


	3. Some serious Angst!

Dedication: To the wonderful Sammid for her insistence and almighty fishiness. Without her the sushi would never have been.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
"Welcome to Imladris Grandma! It is a pleasure to see you again!" Elrohir exclaims enthusiastically. Galadriel flashes a white smile and pats her grandson on the head.  
  
"Now, now, Elrohir, didn't I tell you not to call me Grandma? It makes me sound old." Behind her, Haldir, captain of the Lorien guards, doesn't quite manage to hold in an amused snort. Galadriel turns around swiftly, waist length hair billowing menacingly. "Enough," she says simply, effectively wiping the smile off Haldir's face.  
  
"Sorry M'lady, but you have been around awhile..."  
  
"I said enough!"  
  
Elrohir watches this exchange silently, completely missing the sounds of approaching boots. Boromir tiptoes up to him, leans in close and bellows (in a quite convincing Sindarin accent) "Hello darlings!" causing the elven lord to let out a startled yelp. Above him, in a tree, Celeborn bursts out laughing. Elrohir growls quietly.  
  
"That was not funny you...human!"  
  
Boromir reels backwards, looking as if he had just been slapped. There is an uncomfortable silence which is only broken when Celeborn comes tumbling out of the tree, a look of immense flabbergastation on his smooth face. The man suddenly starts chocking.  
  
The lord of Lórien hastily scrambles to his feet. His eyes stare into nothingness for a few seconds.  
  
Haldir eyes Boromir with concern, wondering if he should assist the poor man. He takes a small, hesitant step forward.  
  
"Call an ambulance!" Celeborn bellows suddenly, shocking Haldir still. "Don't just stand there!" He yells at no one in particular. "And you!"  
  
"What?" asks Elladan, "Me?"  
  
Celeborn nods exasperatedly. "Yes you! Get me a toothpick PDQ!" Elladan frowns, but reaches into his pocket obligingly, pulling out an average, wooden toothpick.  
  
"Here," he hands the tooth pick to Celeborn who shoves it away rudely.  
  
"No!" the elf lord screams, "I said a toothpick! A toothpick!"  
  
"But this is a toothpick!" Elladan replies, his voice rising slightly. In the background Boromir is still coughing violently.  
  
"Well," Celeborn says dangerously, "get a bigger one. And that's an ORDER!"  
  
Elladan jumps at the word 'order,' and scurries off towards the mansion, muttering curses and threats under his breath. Celeborn smiles, satisfied, when he feels a tug on his robe. Looking down, he finally remembers Boromir, whose face is turning a pretty violet color.  
  
"Gasp!" Celeborn gasps, lifting a delicate hand to cover his mouth. "Where's my ambulance!" he cries hysterically. Haldir stares at him, blankly, too disturbed by what he's seeing to reply. In a panic, Celeborn grabs Boromir around the waist and yanks him to his feet. He smacks his back extremely hard while yelling, "Say hello! Say hello!"  
  
Finally, after many horror filled moments, a small white object shoots from Boromir's mouth, right at Haldir. The guard ducks, sending the object into the forehead of his companion, Eruchîn. Haldir smirks smugly while Eruchîn clutches his forehead in pain. Celeborn rushes over to the guard as Boromir regains the color in his face. The lord of Lórien bends down, picking up the object from the ground and wiping it off on his robes. He holds it above his head, inspecting it in the light. The elf sighs unhappily.  
  
"Bor'mir," he says seriously.  
  
"Yes!" Boromir gasps quickly, trying to take in as much air as possible, despite the lie he told about only breathing arachidonic acid.  
  
Celeborn walks over to the man and dangles the object above his head. Boromir's eyes widen slowly as he observes it. His lips curl into a small smile, before turning serious again. The steward's son opens his mouth to speak, sees his friend's glare, closes his mouth, and then opens it again.  
  
"You. You just. Y-you," he stutters pathetically.  
  
There is a tense silence in which everyone stares at Celeborn questioningly, curious about the strange object.  
  
"Bor'mir, I'm very disappointed in you. I *know* we've had this conversation before and you said you were li-"  
  
"It's not what you think!" Boromir cries out suddenly, waving his arms around wildly. Haldir's eyebrows rise while Galadriel observes her husband and his friend's antics in horrified silence. Celeborn has a look of great disbelief on his face, which only grows when the man adds, "I swear!"  
  
The elf lord slowly leans in towards Boromir, the white object sandwiched tightly between his thumb and middle finger. "Are you trying to tell me," he begins, "that this object in my hand is *not* sushi?" At the mention of the raw fish the man of Gondor let out a loud, pitiful sob.  
  
"I'm am sorry my friend," he mumbled, "but it is."  
  
Haldir turned around to exchange puzzled looks with Galadriel, but the queen was too busy staring blankly at her husband to notice. Shrugging, the guard turns towards Eruchîn who offers no look in exchange. Haldir now looks defeated. He mumbles, "Everyone hates me."  
  
"Don't be ridiculous!" Boromir pipes up, seemingly forgetting about the sushi. "Everyone can't possibly hate you!"  
  
Haldir pauses, considering.  
  
~~~  
  
The section of offtopicness proudly brings you:  
  
Happy Halloween starring Celeborn, Boromir and Genghis Khan.  
  
Boromir: Happy Halloween!  
  
Genghis Khan: There, you've said it, can I got conquer things yet?  
  
Celeborn: No! We haven't gone trick or treating yet!  
  
Boromir: I know! I want everyone to see my costume! (Is dressed up as a peanut) And Cel'born here looks like a million bucks!  
  
Celeborn: (is dressed up as a million dollar bill) Yeah, so you have to come!  
  
Genghis Khan: Ok, but I'm not wearing my costume.  
  
Boromir: ...you're not? Oh (giggles) sorry!  
  
Celeborn: (smacks Boromir) Don't make fun of the almighty Khan!  
  
Genghis Khan: (rings person's doorbell) Trick or treat!  
  
Person: O_O! You're not children! Ahhh! Keep away from my candy! (slams door in Genghis' face)  
  
Genghis Khan: ...  
  
Celeborn: That was fun!  
  
Boromir: Yeah, let's go to another house!  
  
Genghis Khan: You guys reek. I'm going home.  
  
Boromir: (smells armpit, shrugs)  
  
Celeborn: C'mon Bor'mir, I want candy!  
  
(Suddenly "I want Candy" starts playing, and the two dance around mechanically.)  
  
THE END! Happy scary Halloween everyone!  
  
AK: Hi! Just so you don't have to waste your time telling me in your review, I'll say it for you.  
  
AK IS A MORON. A BUMBLING IDIOT.  
  
There, it's said. I know, I finally update and write like two words. So sorry, I'll try to update again soon! 


End file.

Lord of the Rings, Humor