Harry Potter 1. Girlfriends

Unexpected Love

By SwedishFish22

Chapter One: Girlfriends

_And that is the proper way to cure toenail fungus on a hippogriff without your head becoming impaled on the patient's claws._

Hermione sighed contentedly as she shut the thick book resting on her lap. There really is nothing better than sitting in the common room on a Friday evening and reading a nice, long book, she thought, gazing around the comfortable space. She pretended that she didn't like what she saw. There were couples on every chair, couch, and recliner, either kissing or simply cuddling. Hermione forced herself to make a face.

Ron come thundering down the stairs, a tail protruding from his pants and hives popping out all over his face. He howled in pain, "Hermione, make it stop! Make it stoooop!"

Hermione smiled. She set aside 1,000,001 Safe Cures to Hippogriff Ailments, and pretended to ponder.

"Well, I'm not sure, Ron. I've never seen this hex before-"a lie "-but perhaps I can think of something. Now, where is that hex book?" She slowly began to rummage through the pile of literature building up around the armchair in which she sat. "I was just reading it-oh, yes! I leant it to Lavender! So sorry, Ron, but I don't have the right material to cure you."

Ron glared at his friend, seeing right through her terrible lying. He began to advance towards her, hives and all. "If you don't use your bloody wand to get rid of my bloody tail and these bloody hives before I count to ten, I'm going to rip your bloody head off. Got it?"

At that exact moment, a mass of legs and arms tumbled through the portrait hole, accompanied by sucking and smacking noises. Hermione looked away in disgust, but Ron forgot about his hives and eagerly leaned forward. Seventh years, she thought, before quickly correcting herself. _Male_ seventh years.

The boy of the heap disentangled himself from the leggy blonde and turned towards Ron and Hermione.

"Hey, Ron. How's it going, Hermione?" Hermione sat there with her mouth open. Performing in the sort of disgraceful act Hermione had always disapproved of was one of her best friends.

"Harry, mate! Who's your . . . er . . . friend?" Ron nearly shouted. Harry grinned sheepishly and helped his "friend" to her feet.

"Ron, Hermione . . . common room-"he winked at the people staring "-this is my good friend, Frida Johansen." Frida shyly wiggled a couple of her slender, tan fingers at the surrounding people. "She's new here at Hogwarts. She's completely Swedish and, up until recently, had been attending Beauxbaton. But, fortunately for us, her parents decided that she should come and live with us."

Frida took over. "Yes, and I'm very happy to be here." Her voice was thickly layered with a Scandinavian accent. "You must excuse my English. I'm only just learning. I really only fluently speak French and Swedish."

Seamus, looking up from the chess game he was beating Neville at, slowly began to clap in approval of this newcomer. Frida blushed, and murmured, "Um, how do you say it, um . . . oh, yes! Fank you."

A couple of first years giggled at her blunder, but one withering look from Harry and menacing look from Ron shut them up completely.

"Hello! I kind of need to get through here, people! Let me in this instant!" Muffled screeches came from the portrait hole, and Harry quickly grabbed Frida and dragged her out of the way of the painting. A disheveled Sam Liveston, the first American ever to attend Hogwarts, fell out of the hole and swore.

"Godammit. Somebody should get rid of these stupid portrait holes and just get doors, for God's sake!" Sam quickly stood up and brushed imaginary dirt off her butt.

Ron, yet to remember his tail and hives, rapidly slipped his arm around her waist. "Hey, Sam, baby. How's my favorite American doing today?"

Sam closed her eyes and giggled, dropping the angry façade. "Ron, I'm the only American you know." She dreamily reopened her eyes and let out a tiny shriek. By this point, her boyfriend's head had grown to about the size of a large beach ball.

"Holy hell! What happened to your face?" Ron's newly acquired tail decided to choose that moment to slap Sam on her hindquarters. "What happened to your butt? What's wrong with you? Hermione, fix this kid up!"

Hermione glared. "Oh, sure, once you need me, you notice me. I'm not fixing anything of Ron's." She snatched up her wand and mumbled something under her breath. Harry's eyeballs began to bulge unnaturally, and warts began to grow all over his green body. Before long, there was a toad hopping angrily around the common room, and Harry was nowhere to be seen.

"And I'm not fixing anything of _his_, either!" Hermione pointed her wand at Harry once again, and he quickly hopped behind Frida's legs. Hermione stormed up the dormitory, slamming the door shut behind her. It was at times like these that she wished she was at home with her mum and dad. If she was at home, door slamming would simply discourage her parents rather than spurring gossip and rumors.

Hermione flung herself onto her four poster bed, drawing the curtains shut around her. Good. The dormitory was empty. She reached under her pillow and pulled out her current pleasure book, The Talisman of Paris. The entire thing was written in French, which Hermione only knew a few words to, so she also dragged out her 5,164 page French dictionary.

Silently, Hermione began to read and decipher The Talisman, taking this opportunity to stick one hand into her panties and rub gently, feeling the coarse brown hair shift under her fingers. The only sound in the common room was the occasional sighs of contentment and the turning of pages.


	2. The Announcement

Unexpected Love

By SwedishFish22

Chapter Two: The Announcement

"Hermione! Hermione, wake up! HERMIONE!" Ginny finally grabbed the book her friend had fallen asleep reading and violently smacked her over the head with it.

"Jesus Christ, I'm awake, I'm awake! What do you want from me, Ginny? Can't you help a friend out even a little bit?" Hermione groggily shouted.

Ginny sighed, tucking a lock of red hair behind one hear. "I_ am_ helping you, dearest friend of mine. First of all, breakfast has already started, so if you want to eat, get dressed _now_. I was also the first one awake, so I of course peeked in on you, and saw you had fallen asleep on your book jacking off again." Ginny rolled her eyes. "So I stopped everyone from looking in on you until _I_ could wake you up. You _must _stop doing that. Get it?"

Hermione grinned sheepishly. "Got it."

"Good." Ginny dropped The Talisman and strolled over to the mirror, averting her eyes from Hermione's rapid undressing. She fingered her hair. "Urg. Nobody will ever notice me with hair like this."

Ron had just finished tossing food into the air for Sam to catch in her mouth and Harry had just broken away from Frida's lips when Ginny and Hermione fell onto the bench in hysterics.

"I feel so guilt-free!" Hermione laughed. Ginny, who had just settled down, cracked up once more.

"_You_ do! Not quite so for me!" she howled. Suddenly, her face grew quite serious. "Then again, having grown up with Fred and George, I suppose that I've learned to ignore that feeling." She burst into laughter. Hermione quickly joined in.

"Hermione, would you calm yourself! My baby sister can't breathe!" Ron knelt down next to his sibling, who had fallen onto the messy floor in her fit of laughter. Ginny sat up, gasping for breath, and pushed aside her brother's concerning hands.

"Oh, Lord, Hermione. I wonder how long it will be until somebody comes along who will be able to undo _that_!" Hermione gave one last chuckle, but at a look from Ron, she covered her mouth with both hands. There was silence.

"Well?" Harry stared at the two girls.

Hermione gave him a funny look. "What?" Ginny asked.

"For God's sake, how dense can you get?" Ron yelled. "What's so bloody hilarious?"

"Oh, nothing. But I'm guilt-free, I'll have you know. It was my apprentice who did it." Hermione smiled slyly.

Ron looked behind his back. "Alright, I'm frightened. That's the most wicked grin Ginny's ever had, and Hermione is being naughty-"

"For once," Harry interrupted, waving good-bye to Frida as she headed off to the library for English lessons with Sam.

"What do you mean?" Hermione gave him a look.

Harry shrugged. "Well, I mean, you're never naughty. You've never even kissed a boy." Hermione opened her mouth to object. "On the lips." His friend's mouth abruptly closed.

"Alright, so I'm a good little virgin. Is that so terrible?" Hermione crossed her arms and glared at Harry.

Harry chuckled. "Even Ginny isn't a good little virgin-ah, I mean . . . "Harry ducked as Ron threw a plate recently emptied of pancakes at him. The plate continued on and landed on Neville's head, ripping open a gash and knocking him out.

Ron ducked down and angrily hissed at Harry, "You were saying?"

"Ah, er, yes. Well, the only boy Hermione has ever been with is Krum. I don't think she's ever been on a proper date."

"Harry, you know nothing about me! Why do you insist on being such an ass?" Hermione snapped.

Ginny slapped Harry across the face, drawing surprised looks. "Shut your bloody mouth, Harry."

"Harry's right, Ginny. Hermione's always single. Even I've got a girflfriend. Me. Ronald Weasley. Perhaps the most unattractive boy in school," Ron said thoughtfully, ignoring the heavy breathing coming from Hermione.

"Crabbe and Goyle," reminded Harry, holding his face. "And the rest of the Slytherins."

"They don't count. They're apes. Not boys. But from my recent study, you're the most unattractive girl, Hermione."

"Stop it, Ron." Ginny's eyes narrowed.

Hermione's face was red. "Did you ever think that there might be a reason I don't have a boyfriend?" she screamed, drawing eyes from the lingering students at the other tables.

"Like what?" Harry's expression mocked her. Ron tussled his hair and parted his lips, showing mainly his front teeth. "That?"

"For God's bloody sake! Are you that dense?" Hermione screeched. "I'M A BLOODY LESBIAN, YOU IDIOTS!"

The blood drained from Harry's face. Ron's ears pinked. The pupils remaining stared. The teachers began to whisper amongst themselves.

"Oh, no," Ginny breathed, sliding her hand into Hermione's. "I thought we weren't going to tell them, Hermione!"

Hermione turned to her girlfriend. Her eyes were glistening. "I'm so sorry, Ginny. You do understand, don't you?"

Ginny leaned forward and pressed her cherry lips against Hermione's trembling ones.

"RONALD WEASLEY!" A screech came from the Great Hall, destroying the moment the girls had shared. "When I get my hands on you-THERE YOU ARE YOU FCKNG APE!"

Sam stormed into the hall, pushing aside the various students trying to get out before Ron exploded at his sister. Her once-smooth face was covered with hundreds of tiny red bumps. As she got closer, the quartet could see that there were large green ones growing in a pattern. What was that pattern? It seemed to say something. Ron squinted his eyes.

PROPERTY OF RONALD WEASLEY

That couldn't be good.


	3. Together

Unexpected Love

By SwedishFish22

Chapter Three: Together

Ron sat in a hard chair, keeping close watch on the chairs facing the fire. He didn't approve of what he saw.

In the left chair, Harry was pressing his lips against Frida's slender neck, gently rubbing her hips with his large hands. In the seven years he had been at Hogwarts, Harry had filled out quite a bit. He was no longer the scrawny thing that once looked back at him from mirrors – no longer was he thin, simply lean. He had grown into his long nose, and his chin was strong enough. He looked and acted more like his father with every passing day. One way he was like his father was his love of beautiful women, for Frida's face was still unblemished. Evidently, the curse Hermione had taught Ginny hadn't affected her.

In the chair on the right, Hermione sat, thoughtfully fingering Ginny's sleeping face, sometimes waking the exhausted girl with a kiss on the forehead, on the nose, on the lips, on the neck, working her way further down with each kiss. Ron always cleared her throat once she had reached the navel. Hermione had also become quite the catch. Her hair was no longer wildly bushy; the gentle curls reached below her shoulders. It now gave her most of her character. Madame Pomfrey had once fixed her teeth, so there was no need to rearrange that. Her chest was larger than most, and her hips wide, but not unpleasantly so.

Ron watched the two couples, one natural, the other also so, but more unusual. He sighed and looked down at the Divination homework on his lap, then at one of the loveseats littering the common room. Sam sat on that one, evidently over Ron, passionately kissing a bewildered Neville. The poor boy tried to flag down one of his passing mates, but they all simply chuckled and wished him luck. Neville had, unfortunately, _not_ grown into himself.

Ron began to doodle on his only partner, his homework. Before long, there was an untidy couplet scrawled onto the paper.

**I sit on my own, sulking and sad.**

**They'll lay together, sweating and glad.**


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor, Romance