Mass Effect Did You Seriously Just Punk Me

Stupid one-shot ahoy.

The prompt was this: _I know some have seen those "Messin' with Sasquatch" commercials.I want the crew, despite the absolutely suicidal notion it carries, to mess with Jack and piss her off._

And I decided to run with it. Enjoy?

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[ Did You Seriously Just Punk Me? ]

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Jack sat on the window sill of the Omega motel room, one leg drawn up, the other dangling loosely off the edge, eyes set on the panoramic view of the station. The place really wasn't that ugly when you took a chance to just- look at it for a while. An industrial sprawl of twinkling lights, fast-moving vehicles- each district with its own, sad story, no two alike, save for an equal share of misery among its most forgotten citizens.

Be a good place to settle, she figured. If ever she bothered to settle. She liked it here; it was dirtied, bloodied, dangerous- honest... in a way the sleeping commander that brought them here never could seem to be, if only thanks to a bone-headed unwillingness to believe that even some of the worst wrongs could actually be made right.

Didn't even seem to care about the old adage, 'no good deed goes unpunished.' And yet, here they were, giving credence to the cliche': stuck on Omega to hunt down some remnants from the merc groups the commander had pissed off when they'd picked up Turian McDoGooder. The ragtag pack of malcontents doing their damndest to bomb the dock the Normandy was parked at; aimed to start a chain reaction, blow the airlock of the vessel out entirely. Instead, they botched the timer on the makeshift explosives they used, had 'em detonate right in their damn faces- lead to them staring at their pristine, undamaged target in their last moments of sucking vacuum.

The looks on their faces- assuming they even had them anymore- must've been priceless. That she didn't get a chance to see that, or Aria blow a gasket when the news hit, was a damn shame.

But, oh well. _Life goes on._ And on. And on.

They'd be here for a few days, while the Normandy- and its shuttles, by Shepard's order- kept a fair distance; left Shepard, Jack and Tali to figure out who was responsible, and if anything bigger was being planned. Basically meant that Jack'd be spending the next few days- next week, who the hell knew- bored out of her mind. Really, nice of the crew to wire over some credits to make the stay more bearable, but it wasn't of much use when the trio was stuck in a tedious investigation she couldn't have cared less about.

Tali, though- Tali was eating it up. Not that that was any big surprise; the quarian's mind seemed to work like that. She liked playing with electronics, figuring out puzzles; seemed like nothing else in the world existed when there was detailed work to be done.

At the moment, though, she wasn't doing much of anything. Seated on a small chair that had seen better days, one of her half-digitigrade feet tucked under her, she seemed content enough to surf the extranet on her omnitool. Jack had sworn the girl was too naive for her own good when they first met- bit of a flighty eccentric, at times- but she learned, quickly, about the engineer's fiery side.

On the job, Tali bitched, Tali groaned, Tali turned the air blue- and better yet, Tali didn't hesitate to kick the crap out of malfunctioning machinery. Sure, she went all good girl and put the wreckage back together again, but s far as Jack was concerned, it was nice to see that kind of attitude. And pretty damn funny, besides, watching that sweet temperament break down, leaving behind a series of expletives and cruel assertions about the drive core's non-existent ancestry.

Turning her attention to the quarian, she'd nearly asked what it was that had the girl so busy- when a sound, a groan, and not exactly a _pained_ one, at that, broke through the white noise of the ventilation. Blinking, Jack turned her head in the direction of the sound in time to see the commander squirm beneath the sheets, and Tali did the same. They exchanged a quick glance, both wondering if this was just a sign that Shepard was stirring, but- nope. Just as soon as they shared that incredulous look, they both heard it: another soft sound, a moan this time, the commander arching into a touch that neither of them could see.

"I'll be damned," Jack said under her breath, careful to keep her voice low. "Guess she's not a robot after all."

"Jack, keep your voice down," Tali chided her, audibly discomfited by the sudden turn in events. "You don't want to wake her."

"You got that right," Jack whispered back, edging in closer to the quarian to keep the volume of her voice to a murmur. "Never thought I'd see anything like this before..."

Clearing her throat, Tali said, "I'm not entirely sure we _should_ be seeing it."

"Oh, come on," Jack teased her, amused. "It's not like we're actually watching her fuck someone."

"Well, _yes_, but-" Tali was interrupted by another low sound, sharper this time- interspersed with audible breaths, with more... _telling_ movements. "Oh, boy..."

"'Least she's having fun," Jack said. "More than I can say for her when she's awake."

"Please," Tali said, her discomfiture still evident. "Just because she doesn't broadcast everything she does in her private time-"

"-What, you mean like me?"

"I hear the way you talk to Kenneth, Jack," Tali said, thoroughly unimpressed. "I'm not deaf. Though considering what I've overheard, I sometimes wish I was."

"Oh, give me a break," Jack scoffed. "That's all in good fun. S'ides... only reason I do it is 'cause it gets Gabby barking like a varren with a firecracker up its ass."

"Yes," Tali deadpanned. "'All in good fun.' Very admirable."

Jack snorted. "You're just like her, you know that? You don't know how to have a little-" -another moan, louder, broke through the conversation, leading the biotic to smirk impishly. "-Fun."

"Maybe not your kind of fun," Tali muttered. "And it's still seems rude to eavesdrop."

"You could always leave if you want, you know."

Tali scoffed. "Right," she said dryly. "Brilliant idea. Because a single quarian walking around Omega _definitely_ wouldn't attract unwanted attention." She shook her head. "Who knows," she said, shrugging for effect, "maybe I'll even strike up a thoughtful conversation with some vorcha while I'm at it."

"So stay, shit. Just don't-"

Shepard's back arched abruptly, another deep moan leaving her as her legs raised to press together, hips shifting just slightly, leaving both women to stare at her, somewhat- dumbfounded.

"Wow," Jack said, grinning lopsidedly. "Whoever she's with, they're really going at it." A pause- then, "Actually- come to think of it... who do you suppose she's dreaming about?"

In spite of the mask, Tali managed to look flatly incredulous. "...You're kidding me with this, right?"

"Come on. Would I kid you?"

Tali shook her head. "You know... suddenly, striking up a conversation with a vorcha doesn't sound half-bad right now. Might even be a step up."

"Give it a rest. You can't tell me you're not just a little curious to know."

"Yes, I can."

"Bullshit," Jack said, deadpan. "Gi~ant load of bullshit."

"Call it whatever you like, but I don't-"

"What's that sound? Oh, hey, what do you know, it's more bullshit."

"-I just don't think we should-"

"Still bullshit."

"_Keelah,_ it never ends with you, does it?" Tali hissed, exasperated, nearly raising her voice to a volume that might wake their superior. "Alright, so maybe I'm a little curious, _just a little_... but this is an invasion of privacy, and it's-" Those semi-luminescent eyes squinted at the sound of another deep moan from the commander's bed, the tension returning to her shoulders. "We should really just get out of here. Go for a walk or something. _Both_ of us."

"And miss out on a show like this? Not on your life."

"Strange," Tali said blandly, "I could swear we passed plenty of 'shows' like these back in Afterlife. You didn't take much issue with missing those."

"Those girls do that for a living," Jack said, shrugging. "It's as boring for them as it is for the idiots who gawk at them. But this? This is different."

"I know I'm going to regret asking this, but- how do you figure?"

"You really have to ask? You've known her for longer than I have, and it's really some big mystery to you? The woman wears her morals like a chastity belt. May as well shit girlscout cookies everywhere she goes. Seeing her swear like a whore in church? That's a once in a lifetime thing."

Tali paused for effect, and said, matter-of-fact, "You're hopeless."

"Yeah, alright," Jack said, waving dismissively. "Whatever you say, princess."

"No. I mean- truly, Jack. The way you're talking? Absolutely hopeless."

"I don't see you getting up to leave," Jack said blandly.

"The way you're behaving, I don't trust you to be alone with her. Besides- quarian. Omega. Alone. Add vorcha. I explained this already."

"Whatever. I've seen the way you tear shit up with that shotgun. Don't try to say you're defenseless."

"Might be something for you to think critically about. And- by the way, there's a difference between 'not taking idiotic risks' and 'being defenseless.'"

"Really?" Jack said, smirking. "You chose the wrong person to follow, then."

Tali scoffed; even made a valiant effort to go back to picking through the extranet on her omnitool in spite of the commander's breathing starting to pick up for another round. That she was failing to keep her attention elsewhere, though- that was obvious.

For one good reason: "Pretty easy to tell where you're looking when your eyes glow."

"Jack," Tali sighed, "please. For my sake, and yours: be quiet."

"For my sake?" Jack said, smirking. "Come on. I could put you through a wall before you could draw."

"I'm sure we may be able to test that theory, if you plan on keeping at it."

"I just want to know who she's thinking about." Canting her head slightly as Shepard squirmed under the covers, Jack continued on to say, "I mean, you have to have _some_ idea. You know her better than anyone."

"Doesn't matter," Tali said irritably. "I'm not playing this game."

"What, not even a hint?"

"Again, for clarity: this game? Not playing it."

Jack just shook her head, arms crossed over her chest. Pausing for a moment, she considered, then said, "Guess I'll just have to ask around, then."

Tali turned sharply to the young woman, staring at her pointedly. "You wouldn't."

Ignoring her, Jack just continued on to say, "Actually- how much you wanna bet it's that asari she was making doe-eyes at on Illium?" Catching sight of Tali palming her mask, she just kept pushing, saying, "Or, hell, for all I know, it's that pretentious, 'mystic warrior' we brought on board with us that's-"

"-Jack-"

Both women straightened bolt upright at that sighed name coming from Shepard's direction, the biotic's eyes widened _considerably_ at the sound of it.

"-Oh, _Jack_-"

Jack sputtered. "_-What._"

"-There it is," Tali said under her breath, "irrefutable proof that there is no god."

"-Jack-"

"Oh man, you've gotta be fucking kidding-"

"_Jack_-" Shepard moaned- then continued, her voice returning to normal, "-if you don't shut up about this... if you even _think_ about telling _anyone_ about it, I will personally have you shot out a damn airlock."

Silence followed. And more silence.

Oh, there was silence.

And more, broken only by Jack's flatly stated, "What just happened?"

Tali snorted, raising a hand to the speaker on her mask, her shoulders going tense with the effort of keeping an impending fit of the giggles in check.

Red-faced, Jack pursed her lips, and stared hard at their groggy commander. "Did you seriously just punk me?" she said, several shades of wildly indignant.

Shepard edged her way onto her elbows, her own irritation leveled entirely on the young woman. "What do _you_ think?"

At that, Tali couldn't contain the guffaw that came from her- or the laughter that followed.

"So wait-" Jack tensed her jaw, shooting Tali a dirty look before turning her attention back to Shepard. "Were you just faking it that whole time?"

"Maybe," Shepard said, shifting her legs off the bed to sit up completely, a hand running absently through short, disheveled hair. "But even if I was, it doesn't mean I appreciate waking up to you speculating about it."

"I _told_ you we should take a walk," Tali said, still trying to contain any remnant amusement.

"And considering how little sleep I've gotten," Shepard added irritably, "it would've been nice if you'd listened."

Jack pursed her lips. "Yeah, well... Win some, lose some, I guess."

Shepard squinted at her for a moment. "What does that have to do with anything I just said?"

"She's embarrassed," Tali said. "After gawking like that, who wouldn't be?"

"I just wanted to know who she was knocking boots with," Jack said, shrugging. "It's not like it was a big deal or anything."

"I'm sure," Shepard said flatly, reaching for the glass of water on the end table next to her. "And maybe when you act like you're old enough to hear it, I'll tell you. Just remember- breathe a word of this to anyone, and you're going on the list of 'expendables.'"

Jack crossed her arms over her chest, a sneer plain on her face.

"Cheer up, Jack," Tali said cheerfully. "Who knows? Maybe it really _was_ you."

"Tali," Shepard warned.

The quarian raised her hands in surrender, and said, "Sorry, commander. It's all in good fun. Worth it to see her pout."

"I'll give you that, at least."

"Have I told you both to go to hell yet?" Jack muttered. "Seriously: go to hell."

"I'll think about it," Shepard replied blandly. "After you go to the merchant district and pick up some food."

Jack snorted. "Why's it gotta be me?"

Shepard arched a brow. "You really need to ask?"

"I'd do what she says," Tali said, practically smug. "Otherwise, I see a long stint of latrine duty in your future."

"Not exactly what I was thinking," Shepard said, shrugging, "but I think I like the sound of that better."

"Screw you, Shepard. I'm not gonna start cleaning johns just because you-"

"-Yes," Shepard interrupted. "You will."

Jack tensed her jaw again, looking between the two women- still a little more flushed than she was comfortable with. "Alright, alright," she growled, relenting, if only out of a dire need to get the hell out of the room. "Jesus. I get it. Have a little fun, and suddenly-"

"Jack," Shepard said, underwhelmed. "Market. Food. Now. That's an order."

And as the young woman stalked off, Tali, her smile only too audible in her voice, said, "Well played, commander. _Very_ well played.


End file.

Mass Effect, Humor