Supernatural 1. Chapter 1

"Not going to happen Sammy."

Dean knows that the battle is already lost. It won't be long now, until Sam pulls out the puppy eyes and no matter how often he sees it, the effect always gets him. That doesn't mean he won't go down with a fight though.

"Dammit Sammy, you can't just pick up a bot from the dumpster and drag him home. Who knows what kind of rabies he's got." Sam just gives him one of his bitch faces, but Dean refuses to acknowledge that they both know, how that is not the real reason for his reaction.

"Look, I know it's sudden and that we don't really have the space and all, but this is a one in a life time opportunity. This bot has obviously some issues I could use to work on my dissertation." And there they are, big, shiny and absolutely impossible to say no to. Dean groans, his eyes flitting to the bot that stands patiently behind his brother, eyes forward and seemingly ignorant to the discussion that is going on in front of him.

"Fine, but he's your responsibility. I won't play botsitter or anything." Sam huffs a smile, too grateful to point out that bots don't need a sitter obviously. Dean doesn't wait for him to say anything before he points his head towards the waiting bot. "So what's his name?"

Sam's happy face falls and he looks almost sheepish as he shrugs. "I don't know."

"Dude, you brought him here without even knowing his name? How did you even get him to follow you?" Dean runs a hand through his hair and wonders, not for the first time, if Sam's genius genes haven't somehow interfered with his common sense. He doesn't know anyone else after all, who would pick an obviously defect bot from the scrap yard and take him home, without at least reading the emergency data protocol or something.

Sam just shrugs again, mirroring Dean's gesture as he tries to get his hair in order, to no avail, like usual. "I poked around on his control panel, he woke up and he followed me. I figured why not, and took him home." Dean can almost hear the 'no big deal' that Sam is most likely thinking.

Sometimes he seriously doubts that he and his brother are related, there's just too much different between them. But that doesn't keep him from secretly being proud of how far his brother has come with his life. Dean on the other hand… He knows he has come far in a way, from growing up on the road and in shabby motel rooms, clearing up his father's messes more often than not, halfway between raising Sammy and failing school, to having a stable job and fixed living arrangements and making enough money (barely) to support Sam through college.

But deep down he knows that he's a failure compared to his little brother, the brother who got into college, studying Advanced Robotics of all things. All it takes for him is one look at Sam buried in his books or working on his computer with some strange program open and he feels torn between immense pride and the sinking feeling that he will never ever do something with his life like Sam does. But he reminds himself that this is fine, that he has a stable job that he likes, that he has friends, few but still, and that it is enough for him to see Sam's success.

On most nights that is even enough to put him to sleep.

He can't say he's comfortable with the bot in close proximity, he seems harmless enough but Dean knows how easily that can change. But he is also curious and he wants to know if the bot has a name, and why he just keeps standing like a marble statue when he's supposed to be all human-y and stuff. The Angelbot commercials are very clear on that matter, 'soulbots are lifelike and indistinguishable from humans'. Why anyone would want a humanlike bot, not just in appearance but also behavior is beyond Dean.

Upon closer inspection the bot actually is quite attractive, not that Dean would pay attention to the looks of a bot. Nope. Not at all. He can use a repaint though, his skin, synthetic as it is, is scraped in more than one place and his clothes are torn and dirty. His hair looks tousled as if he just dropped out of bed, the effect not at all dampened by the dirt clinging to his face. He has a bit of a stubble and Dean really has to admit that Angelbot did a really good job on the whole lifelike thing. If it weren't for his marble statue posture and unblinking stare, Dean would have never guessed that he has a bot in front of him.

The bot doesn't react as Dean comes closer, he keeps staring straight ahead, out of the pair of the deepest blue eyes he has ever seen. Indistinguishable from humans, my ass, Dean thinks. That blue almost screams inhuman, and no way anyone could stay that still without fidgeting every now and then. Dean knows that for sure, he has lived through enough military training from his father to understand that even a soldier has to blink from time to time. But there is something in those eyes that unsettles Dean, a depth that seems to scream at him and it feels to much like looking into his father's eyes when he was sober and fighting the memories that haunted him, even years after Mary's death. He shakes the thoughts from his mind, it's just a bot after all and continues with his assessment.

"Is he even on?" Dean asks once he has rounded the bot. Still no reaction whatsoever. Not even when Dean asks him directly.

Sam snorts. "Dude, he _walked_ here."

"Shut up." Dean grumbles and searches for the opening to the control panel. He hates to admit it, but he has quite some knowledge when it comes to robomechanics. It's inevitable when half the cars nowadays have the same technology crammed under their hoods. There's nothing like a good old fashioned gasoline engine, complete with revving motor, but unfortunately he is one of the last who think like that. And of course, for all his theoretical knowledge, Sam has no idea how to maintain their little household bot, and that thing has a break down at least once a week, let alone a big complex one like this. But Dean refuses to replace it, they had it for four years now and Dean actually _trusts_ it. That took him long enough after all.

After failing to locate a visual opening anywhere on the visible skin of the bot, and he downright refuses to undress the bot just to get to the covered bits, Dean comes to the conclusion that this must be one of those new models. You know, the really, really lifelike, that came out not so long ago. Which means that thing was fucking expensive, with all the synthetic muscles and nerves and special features and what not.

"Are you sure you found that abandoned on a scrap yard?" He doesn't need to look to see Sam's eye roll. Of course it's from the trash, have you actually looked at it Dean? He scolds himself but he just can't get over the damn smooth feeling of the skin. And those eyelashes actually look deceptively real. He can even feel motherfucking breath on his hand when he holds it under the guy's nose. Maybe he should have paid more attention to the advances made in robotics, but most of the time he was happy to let Sam upgrade their little bot with the newest program and add some gimmicks himself without looking too far over the rim of his comfortable little plate.

No wonder there had been such a huge increase in bot-brothels over the last two years, with how realistic the bot in front of him looks, the girls must be a true hit. Dean pushes those thoughts away, he still prefers good old human girls, and instead tries to recall what he remembers from the few times he actually agreed on quizzing Sam before his exams. Most of that had been programming language unfortunately.

"The opening switch is in the right ear." Sam supplies and Dean can just hear the grin in his voice.

"Yeah smugface, let's see how you'll get him to work properly so that you can take your data without me." Dean grumbles but risks a look in the bot's ear anyway. "Bring me my screwdriver." Because no way in hell will he put his finger in another dude's ear, even if that dude is a bot.

"Sonic or normal?" Dean doesn't grace him with an answer, if only there was something like a sonic screw driver. He would mess so badly with Sam's fancy digital alarm clock and his shower program, not that he can't do that already with his hands but there is something explicitly more fun about doing it per remote.

Sam comes back with his screw driver and Dean shoos him away so he can get to work in peace. He hasn't had dinner yet and is actually supposed to cook right now before Bobby comes home, yes they live in the upper story of his boss's house, but that boss is a family friend and doesn't expect rent so Dean isn't going to complain about it. But since Sam dragged this thing home and it will end up on his shoulders to fix him up anyway, he might as well start now. The sooner he's finished the sooner he can return to his other chores and forget that there will be a full sized soulbot in the house that is probably strong enough to snap Dean's bones with ease. He _knows_ that they are fool proofed and have about a hundred safety and emergency protocols in case of a defect, but he just can't forget what happened to his mother, so he won't blindly trust a bot in the house that he hasn't at least fixed up himself.

It takes one poke into the bot's ear and a small hatch pops up, directly at the base of the neck. Dean hasn't seen lots of control panels but Angelbot keeps them pretty standard in all their bots, more customer friendly and such. There are the USB port, an insert slot for portable external programs and the LCD screen with a few buttons for basic programming and another slot. Dean frowns as he sees the too big plug that is crammed into the multipurpose slot, he doesn't know what the plug is for but it certainly doesn't fit. Maybe that's the reason for the bots weird behavior.

It takes a while of carefully wedging his screw driver under the plug and using it as a lever before it finally plops out and as on cue, the bot finally gives signs of what could pass as human life. He turns his head to look at Dean, the motion smooth and natural; he doesn't even overstretch like so many others do. Dean half expects the bot to issue some sort of protocol, listing his functions and programming options but instead he just says: "Hello Dean."

Dean is stunned. He recalls Sam calling him by his name when he came in earlier, but he didn't expect the bot to pay attention, not while being in apparent standby. But what gets to Dean even more is the voice, it is deep and gravely, like the hair, coming straight out of the bedroom.

"Uhh… hi, I guess?" Dean flounders, he doesn't really know what he expected, but certainly not that. This is almost too lifelike for his taste. "What's your name?" He asks after taking a careful step back, with the bot awake and responding it feels too much like he is in his personal space and that is something that Dean really doesn't like. Especially not from a bot.

The bot tilts his head and actually squints at him as if he has to first think about his response. "I am Castiel." Dean raises an eyebrow. He will never get over the weird names people give to their bots, but then again he was the one who named their household bot Zeppelin. A total awesome name should anyone ever ask. It's not his fault that last century music is out of fashion and that most people don't know what rock music even is anymore.

Castiel is still staring and that makes Dean uncomfortable enough to try and induce a conversation until Sam comes back and takes his new toy to do whatever he has planned for him. "So what're your functions?" He has real experience with soulbots and their possible programmings. As far as he knows they work as nannies, nurses and generally in any profession where empathy is needed, and he is even aware that some rich snobs keep the really, really lifelike ones as personal fuck toys, while calling them girlfriend or boyfriend as not to seem too kinky. Not that they can fool anyone.

"I…" The bot hesitates and frowns, and Dean is surprised because it seems like the bot is confused and can't remember what he is supposed to say. If that isn't real human behavior, Dean doesn't know what is. "I don't know." He finally admits, looking crestfallen and mimicking what has to be the so far best impression of Sam's puppy eyes Dean has ever seen.

And Dean just knows he's screwed.

"Okay." He feels the strange urge to comfort the bot, but instead he calls for Sam, because this requires technological knowledge. "I think something's screwed with his hard drive, we need to take a look at his memory protocol and see what he's been programmed with." Castiel is staring at him again and that is just not fair, because he looks hopeful and expectant. As if what Dean has just said was the Holy Grail to his salvation and now he's waiting on Dean to fix him.

Dean looks at Sam and is met with a quizzical look and a raised eyebrow. "Dude, that's exactly why I brought him home. I didn't know you were suddenly interested in my work."

Before Dean can say anything to that he is interrupted by Castiel: "I think my memory protocol has been damaged, it is incomplete and causes a lot of errors in my system."

"Well it seems you'll be here for quite a while then." Sam beams, nearly bouncing on his feet as he looks between Castiel and Dean, and since Dean fixed him up and even got involved as far as to propose to check his memory protocol, he can't really say no to that now. Damn these bots, one day they will be the end of him. He is so definitely attaching the beer holder that Sam had been refusing him, onto Zeppelin now.

Castiel seems confused again. "I don't understand."

"I'm going to fix you." Sam smiles and claps Castiel a hand on the shoulder. "It will take a while, but I promise you I will fix you. I'm Sam by the way."

"I know."

Dean has to stifle a laugh. He totally didn't think that was funny, but damn the look on Sam's face is priceless. "His name's Castiel, Cas." He doesn't really know where the nick name came from but it feels right and fits much better to the confused expression of a lost puppy that Castiel, no Cas, has on his face again.

And the look that Cas gives him is almost worth it too.


	2. Chapter 2

It's far too easy for Dean's taste to fit the bot in their life. Bobby wasn't happy about the addition to their household, he's not as wary of bots as Dean is, but he's not exactly open to them either, though just like Dean, he can't say no to Sam's puppy eyes. And it's not that Cas is just useless décor, as messed up as his system is, according to Sam, he is still able to perform basic household chores, with some help and a lot of explaining from, mostly, Dean.

And Dean catches himself actively seeking to talk to Cas. He tells himself that it is because he's curious about what jammed his wires but the truth is, he's curious about Cas the person. And that is so messed up that Dean refuses to acknowledge Cas for the whole day after he had that revelation about himself. But he can't run away from the truth forever, because Sam, the meddler that he is, asks him to check upon a few things while he's away at the university.

They have given Cas a few old clothes of Dean, because he's closer in size, and Dean can't help it, but something tingles in his chest at the sight of Cas in his old band shirt. Sam had cleaned off all the dirt, but somehow Cas' hair refused to stay in shape and so Sam had given up on trying to tame it with a comb. Most scrapes had also healed, and Dean still isn't sure what he should think of the fact that most of Cas' parts are actually synthesized human parts. Something just doesn't sit right with the thought of bots that can heal.

It's his day off from the garage and Dean is in the middle of checking the neuronal-motor system when Cas finally forces him out of his self induced silence. "You're upset."

Dean's head snaps up, and he is met evenly with the staring of incredible blue eyes. He accidentally brushes the electrode over Cas' ankle and his foot jerks as a reaction to the nerve stimulation. Dean winces as it hits him against his thigh. He's kneeling in front of the chair Cas is sitting on, his foot propped up on his thighs as he taps the electrode along Cas' muscles.

"Apologies." Cas says and Dean can't help but snort.

"It's not your fault." He assures and sticks the electrode back into its holder on the power station. "I'm not upset. Don't worry about it." He sets down Cas' foot and nudges his other one with his hand to indicate that he would like to continue with that.

"It doesn't seem like nothing." Cas continues after placing his foot on Dean's thigh. It feels awkward to have this conversation while being on his knees but Dean refuses to acknowledge this as important enough to require an eye level conversation. Even more so when that would require to accept that the bot he is currently giving a foot massage to, is actually a person.

"Just drop it." He says and taps Cas' big toe, noting absentmindedly just how many details there actually are. From nails to the little hairs on each toe, everything is there. And it _feels_ like the real thing. The toe jerks as it is supposed to, and he continues down his toes, one after one.

"I don't understand. What should I drop?" That makes Dean actually pause and he looks up at Cas again. It's not the first time that Cas doesn't get a reference or a figure of speech and Dean wonders just what happened to him to mess up his basic programming like this. Knowledge like this should be factory setting.

"The subject Cas, just drop the subject." He returns to his task, not looking at Cas while he pokes at his nerves.

"You don't want to talk about it." Cas concludes and almost seems… disappointed. Dean has to stop again, because suddenly there is guilt and he feels bad for brushing him off like that. But Cas is a bot, a machine, all his emotions are just programs and therefore not real. At least that's what he's been trying to tell himself.

And that's it, and somehow Dean had expected Cas to insist on the topic, but he just lets it go because Dean has said so and that makes him angry for some inexplicable reason. He sets Cas' foot down and puts the electrode away, leaning back on his heels to get a better look at Cas. "No, I don't want to talk about it, but you want obviously so why'd you just stop like that?"

Cas looks at him with that little tilt of his head that he always does when he's confused and tries to understand something. "You said I should drop it." Cas replies, the statement delivered in the same calm manner he uses for almost everything he says, and for a bot that's supposed to be feeling, that is really annoying.

"And you just do everything I say?" Dean realizes that he has raised his voice but Cas' complete absence of emotions sometimes just riles him up and he knows this is a small matter and he shouldn't get worked up at all but he can't help it. "If I say jump in front of a truck, would you do that too?"

"Why would you say that?"

"That's not the point Cas. You're supposed to have feelings, you should care. You obviously cared enough to broach the subject to begin with, so why stop now?" And he hates it, he hates that he has to admit that it actually would make things easier if Cas just had feelings like everyone else. Because then he could pretend that he was human and treat him as such. He hates that Cas is this in-between thing that is too much human to be a machine but at the same time is not enough human to convince him entirely. And he would prefer a human Cas over a machine Cas, because those soulless things are just creepy.

"I know you can do it. I have seen you act with Sam when he worked with you." Cas looks at him inquisitively and Dean averts his eyes because he's not going to confess to having actually spied on his brother and Cas, because he's certainly not interested in the bot any more than the maintenance he has to perform on him from time to time. It's all just professional curiosity; yup that's it, nothing more.

"Dean." Cas draws his attention back to him and he is actually surprised to see something akin to sadness on his face. "I don't know how to do that. My emotional circuits are messed up, I don't know how to describe it but I can feel and at the same time I can't feel. It's like I'm watching through an opaque glass window, I know what's behind it but I can't see it clearly." And now Cas is looking at him with an almost desperate expression and that makes a sharp ache curl in Dean's chest, as he gets drawn in by the depth of those blue eyes.

And no matter how often he tells himself that Cas is just a machine, he can't stop feeling bad for him and he wants to help him, because, dammit, no one deserves to have his melon screwed up like this.

Dean takes Cas' hand in his, and he still can't get over the fact that it feels warm, just like any human hand would, and he knows from Sam's excited explanations that he could also feel his pulse at his wrist. Not that he has a real beating heart but apparently lifelike entails a simulated pulse. And Dean can't help but wonder if the heartbeat would react to stimulation like the human heart does. He cuts his thought process off, before it can reach areas he's not prepared to venture in yet, if at all.

"You're feeling something right now, aren't you?" Cas looks at him again with that lost expression of his, trying to understand what Dean just said. "That was what, despair? Well sort of at least. I know it's not the best feeling to feel right now, or ever but just focus on that."

Cas frowns, contemplating something, then he looks down to where their hands lie joined on Cas' thigh. "I don't feel that anymore."

"Okay? Did it just vanish or what?"

It takes Cas a while before he answers again and this time there's a hint of curious surprise in his voice. "I feel good." And then he smiles and mother of fucking rock, Dean wasn't prepared for _that. _It's a hesitant smile, one side of his mouth is lifted a bit higher than the other and his eyes light up along with it. And Dean is positive that this is the most beautiful smile he has ever seen.

Cas doesn't say anything, he just keeps looking at Dean with that smile still in place and it takes Dean longer than he likes to admit, to shake it off. He lets go of Cas' hand, but not without a tinge of regret that is mirrored by Cas dropping his smile.

"That's good." Dean says finally and his voice sounds too quiet and breathless in the empty space between them but Cas' lips twitch slightly and it's enough for Dean to feel like he is floating. "Just keep focusing on the small things and when there's something you need help with, you can come to me." The last part wasn't supposed to come out loud, but now that he has said it he doesn't want to take it back. Not when Cas is looking at him with obvious gratitude on his face.

Dean is suddenly aware of how he's still crouched on front of Cas and he quickly gets up, awkwardly patting him on the head, because he resembles a lost puppy more often than not. Cas tilts his head again and Dean decides he has to put down some ground rules.

"If you don't understand anything, whatever it is, be it what someone says or does or something you see, just ask, okay?" As cute as it is to have Cas trying to figure it out on his own, it'll get them nowhere and no he didn't just admit that Cas is cute.

Cas nods, but only after Dean gives him a raised eyebrow, does he ask the question he had apparently been pondering over. "Why did you touch my head?"

Nice hole you dug yourself there Winchester.

But Dean forces a smile and shrugs. "You remind me of a puppy." Cas just looks even more confused and Dean realizes that if he's going to make things easier for Cas, he should well, _make things easier_. "I just felt like it, it's no big deal." He tries again, but as an afterthought quickly adds. "But you can't just do that to anyone, that would be way too creepy."

"Under which premises is it okay to touch someone's head?"

"The way I did? Well you normally do that to children or puppies and usually never to adults, but under certain circumstances it is okay. Like with you, I felt like you could need a bit of reassurance. But you shouldn't touch another person's head or face in general, not without permission. It's too intimate."

It is kind of adorable how serious Cas is with all the effort that he puts into filing all the information away. Dean groans internally. It is just too hard to remember that Cas is actually a machine, even with his stunted emotions, he seems to be more and more human now.

"So it's okay for you to touch my head?"

"Well…" He can't just say no, because then he would have to explain why he still did it, but if he says yes than he would have to explain why it should be okay without asking for permission. His head hurts from just thinking about it. Damn him and his tendency to never think things through. "Not completely I guess, but like I said there are circumstances…" Even in his own ears the explanation sounds weak and he's sure that Cas won't buy it.

"I'd like you to touch me again. It felt nice." Okay on the contrary, Cas not only buys it, he freaking tips.

"That's not… it's supposed to… it doesn't work like that." He ends lamely and makes a mental note to watch his figurative steps from now on when he's talking to Cas. The dud can turn everything into a minefield.

"Why not? Since you already touched my head it should be okay to do it again, unless your previous action wasn't as validated as you claim it to be."

Dean stares at him, mouth hanging slightly open and it takes him a moment before he is able to raise his hands and pat it down on Cas', admittedly, soft hair. Damn him, damn that bastard, he actually looks smug. Where did he even learn that?

But his complains are drowned in the smile that plays on Cas' face again as he leans into the touch and closes his eyes.

And Dean just knows that this won't end well for him – at all.

* * *

Dean likes working with cars. It relaxes him and he can just lose himself in his work. He often tends to forget the time while buried deep in the insides of a car. Admittedly, he doesn't like the modern cars so much, there's no motor oil, no greasy stains on his clothes and it is overall just too clean for his taste. Not to mention that most of the work is fiddling with tiny screws and cables and half the time he needs to get Charlie to fix him some software error.

But today he's got an oldie, well not as old as he prefers them, but old enough to actually smell like a car. The car is in relative good shape, but there are a few rust stains on the chassis and the engine makes weird sounds, the reason why the owner has him checking it out. It doesn't take him long to figure out the problem, but it will take some time to fix it and while he's burying his head under the old BMW's hood his mind starts wandering.

For some reason he can't get Cas out of his head, and he would have to lie to say that doesn't worry him. It's not that Cas gave him any reason to distrust him, on the contrary, so far he has done everything they asked. But he just can't forget what happened to his mother and the teachings of his father sit too deeply to just let it go like that. Sometimes he wonders how it was possible for Sam to come out this open minded when their father tried so hard to engrain every ounce of distrust he felt for bots into his boys. But then again Sam had always been the rebellious type.

As long as John had been still alive he had kept his sons away from everything that had a CPU and was more intelligent than a computer and Dean, as receptive to his father's words as could be, listened fervently while Sam managed to develop an outright obsession with bots and everything that has to do with them. He and dad used to fight a lot and Dean usually tried to stay out of it but often ended up being dragged right in the middle regardless. Those weren't his best memories but they also weren't his worst.

And then, when he was 20, Sam ran away to go to college to study Advanced Robotics and then everything had fallen apart. That hadn't sat well with his father, and his hatred towards bots had increased. Dean remembered more than one night when he had to drag his father home, or rather to the motel they were staying in, drunk out of his mind and more than often cursing and shouting in the process.

Dean had his own trauma to fight with, he hadn't seen it but he knew that the fire that killed his mother was caused by a soulbot whose programming had gone haywire, and for some reason he had chosen their house to hide, in Sam's nursery of all places. And that was where Mary found him. He still doesn't know if the bot was out to harm Sam, or if he just wanted to hide but it doesn't really matter, because his mother was dead and his life broke apart after that.

Science had advanced of course, there were safety protocols and there hadn't been an incident like that for years, but Dean was still wary. Even after his dad died he still felt the need to uphold his believes. It wasn't until he and Sam moved in with Bobby that his brother finally got him to consent to buy a little bot, no humanoid, but a small thing, looking a bit like a turtle with arms attached to its shell and a lot of beeping noises. Now Sam had moved to university and works on his PhD and that, along with his job as a car mechanic with all the intrinsic technology, had forced him to accept bots as a part of his life.

But that doesn't mean he trusts them. It is inevitable to run into one when going about his daily life, they're everywhere and since there are models like Cas out there, it will not always be easy to recognize them as what they are. And now there is Cas, and that changes about everything. He tried, but he can't see Cas as anything else as human, a bit clueless and disoriented, but human, he knows he's not, but he fails to see it, more than ever. And maybe that is wrong, and maybe he doesn't know anything about Cas' past or how he ended up on that scrap yard, but he definitely knows that he wants to find out.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Hello everybody. I just wanted to say hello to all my readers, (I kind of keep forgetting doing this all the time). So hello everyone, and thanks for your time, support and comments. It really means a lot to me knowing what you think. Feel free to ask if there's something you don't understand ;)

Oh and in case you didn't notice, this updates weekly every Saturday, and the chapters will get longer eventually. I apologize for the shortness of this chapter.

* * *

It turns out Dean gets to spend more time with Cas than Sam does, mostly thanks to some bureaucratic craziness that keeps Sam from working with Cas for his dissertation. Dean has never spent much time trying to understand the whole shenanigans Sam has to go through to get permissions to do this or that at his university, mainly because it seems so redundant. But now he's secretly grateful for it, because it allows him to spend time with Cas.

He still doesn't know the guy's story, and somehow he's reluctant to ask, because it can't be anything good if it left Cas perfectly functional on a scrap yard, with an ill fitting emotion jammer plugged into his control panel. And there's just something in Cas' expression whenever Sam tries to address the topic, curious little scientist he is, and that expression makes Dean's stomach drop with something unpleasant. He finds himself wanting to hurt someone, for causing Cas that emotion, because, even if he's a bot, Cas deserves better than that.

Although Dean has to admit that he has no clue whatsoever, what _that_ even is.

But regardless of his past, the more time he spends with them, the more Cas seems to grow into his emotions. He's still stinted though and it will be a long time until he gets all the jokes and references Dean likes to throw around, but the strained face he always makes while trying to understand what has been said is priceless, and Dean will never admit that aloud, but he kind of prefers Cas' naivety. It's way more appealing than Sam, who gets the jokes but still refuses to acknowledge how funny they are.

Sam is insistent though, and manages to coax at least part of Cas' story out of him. Namely, what he did before whatever it was that got him scrapped. Dean has to admit, it is enticing, to watch Cas talking, a smile on his face as he reminisces of what appears to be happy memories. He isn't even perturbed by Sam taking notes, or Dean's obvious attempt at appearing uninterested while he's all ears, he just keeps talking.

His first memory is waking up in the factory he was built in, and from then on it's just a lot of training and learning until he's eventually deemed ready to be sold. Dean is actually surprised, he kind of assumed that soulbots came with all the knowledge they needed straight from programming. But it's hard to wrap his head around the fact that the bots went through education just like humans do. Especially since that opens a lot of questions he'd rather not ask himself. If bots are so much like humans, shouldn't it be morally questionable to sell them like slaves?

Hell, it _is_ morally questionable, only no one ever bothers to question it. Dean doesn't like the implications of that, how that essentially makes them slavers too, and he really doesn't like that thought. But there is not much they can do, bots are an integrated part of society, there are a few protests, there always are, but they are usually ineffective. There's too much power and corruption behind the whole system, too much money, and if one thing never changes, than it's that money rules the world. The only thing he can do is make sure that Cas keeps his free will.

It seems though, that he's not the only one who thinks like that. As Cas' story progresses it becomes clear that the woman that eventually bought him didn't do so to make him work for her, but to rather include him into her family as some kind of surrogate father to her daughter. There's a certain amount of warmth in his eyes as he talks about Claire, but it is tinged with sadness. It's with a certain amount of somberness that he admits to having feelings for Amelia, and that he wasn't just a father to Claire but also a husband to Amelia.

They treated him like a real human, he even went to work to support his family and he's not shy to admit that he was truly happy. Somehow the whole story reminds Dean of A.I., and sure enough, the happy times come to an end eventually. At least that one's not straight from the movie.

"It was standard maintenance. Amelia had me go once a month to be sure, since I'm one of the earlier models of my line and she wanted to make sure that I didn't get any defect . She kept calling it my monthly doctor's check up, the same she and Claire had every year, so that I wouldn't have to feel so different." Dean has to admit that he has never seen Cas' face as animated as he is right now, and it makes his heart fill with warmth to see him like that.

"But something went wrong." Pain flits over Cas' face and it makes Dean's stomach churn, because seeing Cas hurt, even from past events, really doesn't sit well with him. "My memory core got damaged and that affected my emotional programming. Bots don't have any legal rights and since we weren't insured, Amelia couldn't afford to fix me. She was a loyal woman, even after that. But we couldn't make it work, I wasn't the same. I just didn't feel anything, my emotions were still there but I couldn't access them. Amelia tried, she really tried but she was only human."

Cas lets out a sigh and it is so full of emotions that Dean can hardly believe that he ever lost them. But the emotions are too real to be a fake, and he wants to pull Cas into a hug, just hold him until that painful expression disappears.

"She sold me eventually, apologizing the whole time, but it was hard to care about anything at that time. I told her that it was alright, that she did what she had to because I remembered that the old me would have done that. But in all honesty, I still don't know if that was the truth. It's just so hard sometimes to figure out if what I'm feeling is real, or just a memory echo."

There's a shadow then, something dark flitting across Cas' eyes and Dean really has to wonder why he's so affected by all of Cas' emotions.

"But I'm glad." There's that small crooked smile again, the one that seems so uniquely Cas and Dean's heart jumps in his chest because it's directed at him. "I'm glad that I met you. I haven't felt this much in a long time."

Dean is stunned for a moment. He vividly remembers the first day, when he met Cas. That transition from being an impassive bot to a living being and the jolt of excitement he had felt when Cas greeted him by name.

"That jammer in your panel, did you get that at your new… er… job?" Sam just can't let it go, but Dean can't really blame him. He's curious too, especially after he's heard the story, and he desperately wants to know what happened to Cas.

Cas' expression grows dark and that sends all kinds of red flags up in Dean's mind. He recognizes someone who doesn't want to speak about his past, and judging by Sam's frown, he does too.

"You don't have to talk about it." Sam says and sometimes Dean just envies him for how easy it always seems for Sam to talk about emotions.

"I would prefer that, yes." Cas smiles somberly, not meeting their eyes. "It's not that I don't want to tell you, I just seem to have some kind of memory error and the data is… corrupted. I only know that they're not… good." He strains the last word, like it is difficult and Dean doesn't like that expression at all, pain mixed with confusion.

"It's alright, we understand." Sam assures, stopping himself just shy of patting Cas' arm.

"You're doing a good job though." Dean adds, feeling that this whole depressing scene is in need of some heartwarming. He's not an emotional guy, by all means, but he just can't stand the dejected look on Cas' face. He can't really say he knows why though, Cas is a bot, not a human and Dean shouldn't care that much about him. "You've worked through quite a few emotions since you came here." He shrugs to take away the implication that he was actually paying attention, he doesn't want to give the impression that he cared this much.

Because even now, Dean Winchester can't forget what his father always taught him. Not with words, but with his actions and his disapproval whenever Dean showed emotions, because feelings are a weakness and Dean is supposed to be a man.

Even when he was four years old.

Sam smiles reassuringly and throws Dean a look but he just shrugs. He knows what he said when Sam dragged Cas through the front door, he doesn't need the reminder. So he was wrong, okay? It happens, even to the best of them. Cas still seems a bit down but he appreciates Dean's attempt at a compliment with a soft half smile and that is enough for Dean. Cas is just starting to recover after all.

"Bobby will be home in a few, how about pizza?" Dean claps his hands, deciding that story time is over and his grumbling stomach should finally get the attention it deserves. Sam groans in reply, but doesn't even bother with trying to put on a fight. He'll lose it anyway as soon as Bobby is home.

"Ever had pizza?" Dean asks Cas and is met with a confused gaze, before his frown eases up and he seems to remember something.

"I believe I did, it was quite satisfying." He smiles at the memory, but Dean doesn't miss the short moment when the happiness is clouded by sadness. "I'd like one with ground beef please." He adds, looking up at Dean with something that is unmistakably pleading hope in his eyes.

Dean smiles, a bit unsure. He totally didn't see that one coming. Cas and ground beef? But he's not one to judge, at least not according to Sam who always scoffs at his pepperoni, salami, ham and extra cheese monstrosity. It's not his fault that Sam doesn't know what is good and keeps eating all that rabbit food.

He doesn't even need to ask Sam what pizza he wants, it's the same as always, with a lot of salad and no meat. It's not as easy for Bobby though, but he figures that the guy will just appreciate whatever he gets, especially when it waits for him when he comes home. It doesn't take long to order the food, only a small one for Cas, the local pizza place knows them by now and at least Sam and Dean's order is always the same. He stays on line to chat a bit with Alfredo, the guy has a ridiculous Italian -totally fake- accent and Dean just loves to mess with him.

They finally hang up when there's evident shouting from Alfonso's boss in the background. Cas has watched the whole thing with slight interest and Dean nods at him once before getting up and retrieving the beer from the fridge. If he's not mistaken, he has just heard Bobby's old pickup in the driveway, the guy is as much a fan of old cars as Dean is, and that's just another reason why Dean is so glad to have him.

He hesitates before he gives Cas his beer, he knows that Cas can drink, but he's not so sure about the effects of alcohol. "Is alcohol okay?" He asks, bottle held out in the middle between them and Dean just feels slightly stupid standing around like that. Cas frowns, confused for a moment before he nods his head.

"I can digest alcohol, yes."

"Cool." Dean comments and tosses Sam his beer, following it with the bottle opener once he has opened Bobby's, Cas' and his bottle. The door opens right on time and Bobby trudges in, grumbling something into his beard. The pizza arrives soon after and they all move into the living room to spend the rest of the evening in front of the TV, watching some old show from the beginning of the century about two brothers doing some weird ass ghost hunting. Zeppelin, the busy little bee he is, whirrs somewhere in the kitchen, probably cleaning the already sparkling floor.

Totally pointless, but hey.

All in all, it's a good day.


	4. Chapter 4

It's Bobby who finally points out that maybe Cas needs some clothes on his own, because as cute as he looks in Dean's old shirts (admittedly he's the only one with that opinion and shush you never heard that), they are too big for him, and so are his jeans. Bobby had taken surprisingly well to the new addition to the household, he had just mumbled something about 'idjits' and fixing his television signal and after Cas had given him his radio enhancer, he had happily attached it to the ancient device, proceeding to watch his favorite TV show in 'the quality it deserved'.

And that also finally concluded the ongoing argument about said old television and if they should or shouldn't replace it. It was his late wife who bought it and Bobby is a sentimental old fool but Dean loves him too much to ever call him out on it. And shush again, because Bobby would flay him if he went out all sentimental on him and Dean wouldn't admit to that anyway, not without having at least a gun pointed to his head.

But the subject had been broached and the surprised and not-so-secretly pleased look on Cas' face is enough to settle the matter so Sam made plans to take him shopping on next Saturday when he doesn't have to spend his whole time at the university. It doesn't slip Dean's notice that Sam usually leaves Cas at home when he goes there and that he doesn't spend nearly enough time with Cas to get any valid data for his dissertation but he figures that Sam still needs to battle a lot of bureaucracy before he can actually bring him along.

At first he was wary to leave Cas alone at home, with no one but Zeppelin to keep an eye on him while Sam was at uni and he and Bobby were working, but after he'd found Cas sitting in the exact same place and position he had left him in the morning he decides that he can trust him not to break anything, because, you know, breaking things is hard if one is not moving, at all. In any case, both he and Bobby are less than a hundred meters away at the garage.

It's the night of the day he found Cas like that for the first, that he starts researching. He doesn't know enough about soulbots and their behavior to understand what is normal and what is not, but he can't imagine that sitting motionless for hours can be normal at all. And it isn't. Not for Cas' model at least. He's supposed to be as human as possible, down to the simulated body function, hell Cas is even able to eat and digest.

He ends up scrolling through help forums and bot fan blogs way longer than intended, and what he learns there is worrying at best. The plug he extracted from Cas' multipurpose slot was an emotion jammer, but he figured that one out on his own, a device designed to disable the emotional programming and transform soulbots into normal bots. But the plug had been made for a different model, thus not fitting into Cas' slot and Dean can only guess how that messed with his circuits.

Dean wants to help Cas, he really wants but he has no idea how to even begin. He knows he should talk to Cas about it, ask him what happened before Sam found him, but they've been there and Cas can't even remember. It can't be something good, and there has to be a reason that Cas' previous owner dumped him in the trash and Dean can't say he's not worried about whatever reason that might have been. But he figures accompanying Sam and Cas to their shopping mission might be a good, albeit totally unrelated, start.

Sam comes home late, Friday night and Dean can tell from the sound the slamming door makes that he isn't in a good mood. They're gathered in front of the TV, watching some old movie with long dead actors and Dean feels too good to allow Sam to dampen his spirits. The movie isn't even that interesting but Cas watches it with wide attentive eyes and he twitches every now and then when something unexpected happens and if that isn't the most endearing thing, Dean doesn't know what is.

The old couch, (seriously is there anything not old in this house?), creaks when Sam slumps down and Bobby pushes one of the beers waiting on the side table in his direction without a word. Thankfully Sam doesn't say anything and after his beer his half empty his posture relaxes just slightly.

"Bad day?" Dean finally asks during the commercial break.

Sam just groans as a reply and empties the last of his beer. "My prof has been on my ass the whole day because I made some stupid mistake in my research fund application and now I can't continue, while we're waiting until they're approved. And I can't bring Cas with me to work on him, as long as I don't get my research funded" He sighs deeply and puts down the empty bottle. "And I have to go in tomorrow, to file in the mess that my predecessor has left, because my professor refuses to sign my papers unless it's done." He stands up and stretches and it doesn't take much to guess that he's going to bed early. "Sorry Cas, I can't come with you tomorrow."

Cas looks actually disappointed but he smiles anyway. "That's okay Sam. I'll have Dean." And with that he turns his head and his smile brightens, losing the sympathetic edge as he looks at Dean. He's distinctly aware that Sam makes an annoyed noise in the background before he leaves to get to bed but he's too occupied with the intensity of Cas' stare on him. And he can't remember anyone ever having looked at him like that and that doesn't have to mean anything, especially considering his history, but then there had been Cassie (what a coincidence) and not even she looked this happy when she was looking at him.

Laughter bubbles from the TV and Dean realizes that he has not only been staring, but that his mind had been wandering to places he never intended to go again. He forces himself to break the eye contact And that shouldn't be as hard as it is), realizing with a pang of _something_ that Cas hasn't stopped smiling, despite the ridiculous amount of time they must have been staring at each other.

They keep watching the show after that, and the show after that and then Bobby goes to bed, grumbling a 'good night' into his beard and just like this, they are alone. As much as their earlier staring standoff has unsettled Dean, the silence now is comforting. Dean feels himself relax and he feels more at ease since a long time.

"Dean." Cas breaks the silence eventually and Dean idly wonders if the deep voice is some kind of malfunction or if it is intended. He could check that out but decides not to, he likes the voice.

"Yeah?" He tilts his head, indicating that he's listening but keeps his eyes on the TV in front of him.

"You should go to bed."

"What?" He realizes he is staring again but the proposition caught him off guard and he certainly didn't expect that.

"It is late and as I inquired, shopping days tend to be long and strenuous." Damn, he looks so proud of himself when he delivers that line. As if he had put a lot of effort into researching the information.

"Yeah okay I get it." Dean concedes, trying half heartedly to hide his smile. He angles for the remote but a thought stops him from shutting off the television. "What about you? Don't you have to sleep?" It wouldn't surprise him if there is some internal sleep schedule programmed into the bots to make them even more lifelike.

"No, I'm fine like this."

"Mh, that sucks."

"How so?"

"Sleeping is awesome." Cas just looks at him, head tilted and squinting and Dean has to fight back a laugh. "You know pillows, cuddly blankets, it's warm and if you're lucky you get to have nice dreams." Cas doesn't look convinced and Dean feels tempted to suggest Cas tries it out but it's not like Cas just can fall asleep like humans do so he just shrugs noncommittally.

"Anyway, I should go to bed now." He tosses Cas the remote. "I bestow upon thou the sacred rights to the remote, carry it with pride and honor." Cas blinks at him, confusion clearly written all across his face and this time Dean doesn't keep back his laughter. "Just watch whatever you like or something." He gives a two finger salute and turns to leave the room.

"Good night Dean." Cas calls after him and Dean is actually pleased that Cas picked up the sentiment and used it on him. It pleases him even more that Cas didn't say good night to Sam or Bobby, but to him. As conceited as that makes him.

He has very pleasant dreams that night.

* * *

Sam had the day planned out as far as Dean knows but he won't bother with a schedule that most likely gets messed up anyway, because, let's face it, things never go as planned. Dean is not a long sleeper by any means, but even he likes to sleep in on weekends, even if sleeping in for him means that he's up no later than nine. But today he's up even earlier because he can't help being excited at taking Cas out for shopping.

Oh damn.

He's taking Cas out. He didn't think of that earlier, but now that Sam dropped out, it's technically a date. It's way too early to think about such things and Dean keeps reminding himself that taking someone to buy clothes is _not_ a date. Eating out is, or going to the movies but shopping clothes is a necessity, it's something parents do with their kids. Great, now he feels like he's Cas' dad.

He shakes the thought off, thinking wryly to himself that with the example his dad has set, he would be a lousy parent. The feeling is heavy and his good mood is dampened when he drags himself to take a shower. At least he doesn't have to take care of morning wood, not after his thoughts have turned depressing.

Dean's usually emotionally stable, he knows what he's good at and that he isn't a total failure, but sometimes it still happens that he sucks himself into a dark hole of self loathing and inferiority complexes. It's usually connected to his dad in some way, either when he remembers how he'd always been the one to disappoint him or, and that is even worse, when he feels like his dad has done a shitty job at raising him and Sam.

Because then, he feels guilty, not for just letting him down, but for actually thinking that his father didn't try his best and disregarding all the things his father has done for them, despite having lost his wife and having to deal on his own with two children. Sure he wasn't always perfect, but whose dad is? And under the circumstances, Dean is sure about that, dad did his best. He usually ignores the voice that keeps telling him that most of those circumstances were self inflicted.

Thinking like that is poisonous and it inevitably leads down into a very dark place and Dean knows better than to venture there. It's not always easy to pull back, once the guilt has slammed its hungry claws into him it doesn't let go easily. He knows it's self destructive, he knows it's bad for him but he just can't help it. Some days he's crushed under his own worthlessness, because he know he's a failure, he dropped out of school, he barely managed his GED and now he's working as a lowly car mechanic, despite all the high hopes his dad had for him. All he's got to show for him is Sam, and sometimes even that isn't enough.

On other days he's just angry, angry at his father for putting so many unrealistic expectations on him, angry at Sam for making something out of his life, angry at everyone who isn't as screwed up as he is, angry at the bot who blew his life into pieces and sometimes, but then most of all, he's angry at himself, for being such a letdown that keeps blaming others for his incapacity. It's on those nights that he drinks until his mind goes blank and he stops feeling anything at all.

It's the warm beat of the shower water that snaps him out of it this time. It's soothing, not just to his skin but also to his mind. He keeps focusing on it and just it and eventually his breath evens out and his chest stops hurting. He keeps the water running longer than necessary, Sam will probably complain when he comes back from his morning run he usually takes before he leaves for uni, but right now he can't bring himself to care.

Going through his morning routine helps him get his focus back and by the time he pulls his clothes on, he's almost back in gear. He slaps a smile on his face when he finally goes down to pick up Cas, not surprised at all that he still sits in the same spot he's left him. The TV's off and Cas looks up at him with a smile when he enters the living room. And by all means, it shouldn't be that easy, not for a simple smile, to drive away all the bad thoughts that were lingering at the edges off Dean's mind and the smile on his own face turns real at the sight.

"Good morning Dean." Cas greets, his smile brightens and Dean is positive that his day just got 20% more awesome. Considering that it started pretty low that isn't really much, but still.

"Okay, so I need to grab a quick bite and then we're ready to go. Do you, uh, need anything before you're ready?"

"No Dean, I am fine."

Dean hesitates, on the verge of asking if Cas wants to join him for breakfast but he knows that Cas doesn't necessarily have to eat and asking that would just be awkward so he makes a wavy hand gesture and turns to the kitchen. Cas is just a bot, a machine programmed to act and feel like a human but it's just so easy to forget that sometimes. Even the non-human things he does, like sitting motionless in front of the turned off television for hours or how he doesn't blink enough, don't really help, because Dean keeps listing those traits as quirky habits in his head, and now that is really messed up.

Cas follows him into the kitchen and just stares at him while Dean prepares a quick breakfast and coffee. It's unsettling and Dean finds himself chatting mindlessly as he tries to fill the awkward silence. He's in the middle of telling Cas about the perks of pie, reminiscing about his childhood when his mother used to bake pies with the apples from the tree in their garden, that he has to cut himself off, because he hasn't talked about that part of his life with anyone, not even with the people that had actually been there. But now here he is, telling Cas, who's basically a stranger and a bot on top of that, about his _mother. _

His mother who smelled of apples and sweetness, whose voice was soft whenever she talked to him, and as vivid as those things are in his memory, her scent and her voice, even the sound of her laughter, he can't remember her face properly, and the one picture he has of her is worn out from the countless times he ran a finger over her face, trying desperately to commit it to memory, but he has never once been able to break it free from that eternal frozen smile.

Cas squints at him, tilting his head in that mildly confused way of his, as if he's trying to deduce why Dean suddenly stopped. "Your mother sounds like a wonderful person." Cas says after a while of heavy silence and Dean picking on his food.

"Yeah." Dean agrees. "She was." The words sound heavy on his tongue and the weight bears down on his chest. He can't even remember her properly, the woman on the one picture he managed to secure is a stranger to him and no matter how hard he tries he can't make the image move in his head along with his memories of her.

"She was?" Cas asks, and Dean hates him for a moment that he makes him say it.

"She's dead." The fork clatters down with an audible sound as he drops it onto the plate, appetite lost for good now. And he doesn't know if he can handle it, so soon after his near breakdown this morning, being reminded of the one time in his life he was truly happy. And how he can never have it back.

But Cas' voice pulls him back before he can go off the deep end and, really, it's the damnedest thing.

"I'm sorry Dean."

No one ever said that to him. He has heard it alright, people saying it to his father, fresh after the fire, and sometimes after, when they were travelling and the question about their mom came up. Even Sam got to hear it a few times, because he is the youngest, it was a form of pity but still. Dean doesn't want people to feel sorry for him, has never wanted that but sometimes he wished that people would acknowledge that it's not just John who's lost his wife and poor little Sammy who's lost his mother but that there's also him, Dean, who has lost his mother too.

Being the older sibling sucks sometimes.

He's aware that he's staring, mouth slightly open, but he just can't look away from the sincere expression in Cas' eyes. The heavy weight in his chest lifts just enough to make breathing easy again and he finds himself smiling. "Thanks Cas."

Cas seems surprised, he blinks a few times before the left side of his mouth tilts up into a tentative smile.

"No really Cas. Thanks."

And the way his smile widens is almost enough to make the heartache worth it.

Dean finishes his breakfast and puts away his dishes just when Bobby comes out of his room and Dean knows better than to address him before he's had his morning coffee. Cas on the other hand:

"Good morning Bobby." Bobby just groans and ignores them as he pours himself a cup from the coffee pot Dean prepared earlier. And Dean actually has to laugh at the crestfallen expression on Cas' face as he follows Bobby with his eyes.

"Come on Cas, two weeks in this place and you haven't learnt house rule number one yet? No talking to Bobby before his first coffee." Bobby grunts his affirmation and downs the cup in one go. He takes a moment to close his eyes and savor the taste, not disturbed by Cas next words.

"I don't understand how coffee can make such a difference over people's moods."

Bobby rolls his eyes and pours himself another cup before he goes through the cabinets in search of something to eat. Dean takes out another cup and pours the last of the coffee in, adding a bit of sugar and cream, because beginners should start off easy and puts it in front of Cas. His answer is another squint and a head tilt before Cas finally takes the cup and takes a sip. Dean eyes him closely, watching his reaction as he tries the taste on his tongue. He is more than just pleased when Cas' face lights up and he gulps down the rest of the content, finishing it off with something that suspiciously sounds like a moan.

He can't help but feel awed at the advances of science, bots that are able to digest food and drinks, but he has to admit he's even more awed by the heavenly sound Cas made after trying the coffee. He decides that now is the right moment to leave before his body decides to do some funny things while thinking of what else would bring Cas to make those sounds, and yep he should get off that thought train right now.

Cas is still entranced by the taste of the coffee and Dean almost has to drag him out of the kitchen, coaxing him with promises of more coffee later, and into the hall, where he puts on his boots. He notices then that Cas only wears a pair of old slippers and he is faced with the dilemma of how to get Cas shoes that he can wear outside and fit him. He settles on giving him a pair of rubber boots that is a bit too big but it will suffice until they bought him new ones.

They drive to town in the conversational silence of Dean's favorite music blasting out of the Impala's speakers. They get more than one weird look when they enter the town, because as much as Dean loves his baby, it's an old-timer, and it takes a hell of a lot of work to keep her going, and most parts under the hood aren't even original any more. It actually took him a lot of time and energy to recreate her telltale revving sound after he had to replace the gasoline engine with one of those new ones that operate on electromagnetic fields.

He parks the car in a public garage and makes double sure that she is locked, because as old as she is, she's a rarity, and to the right people she's worth a fortune.

"Okay so where do you wanna start? Shoes, clothes, accessories?" It's still kind of early and there aren't many people out but most stores have already opened so hopefully they will be able to bypass the worst shopping rushes.

"I don't know." Cas replies, looking a bit lost when Dean leads him onto a street that is lined with various shops. Dean sighs and shakes his head in amused exasperation. He has always thought that shopping for clothes was an annoying necessity but the way Cas looks at everything, peeks into shopping windows and nearly bounces on his feet in excitement, makes it worth it.

But as soon as they enter the first store that has caught Cas' attention and actually fits Dean's pay grade, which unfortunately isn't very high, he gets almost humble. It seems that it finally has caught up to him that today is about him, that Dean's going to spend money on him, solely to indulge him and that he has a whole shop of opportunities in front of him and suddenly he can't decide what he wants to look at first.

Dean finally has enough and takes Cas' hand to pull him away from all the weird looks he gets for his ill fitting ensemble of a too big shirt and colorful rubber boots, but he is stopped short when Cas makes no attempt at following him. He turns around to find Cas staring at him with wide eyes, hand tightened in his grip and for a moment he is lost in the impossible width of blue. There's confusion, a lot of confusion but behind that is a spark of something else and whatever it is, it terrifies Dean for some reason and he yanks back his hand, startling not only Cas but also himself.

And the expression Cas pulls after that is like a stab into his heart, so full of confusion, only this time it is hurt and disappointed and Dean feels bad for overreacting at something he most likely only imagined. But he can't take it back, and the look on Cas' face freezes him in place and he can't bring himself to undo it and take Cas' hand again.

"Sorry." He finally mutters, rubbing his hand at the back of his head and looking anywhere but at Cas. "We should go… uh… check out the men's section." Dean doesn't wait for an answer but turns around to lead the way deeper into the store to where the men's clothes are on display but he's stopped once again, this time by Cas' voice.

"Dean." He's loath to turn around because he can't stand another look of disappointment on Cas' face. "You have nothing to apologize for." Cas' voice is blank, sounding for the first time like the machine that he is and then he walks past Dean, he doesn't stop to look at him, he just walks away and Dean is left behind, speechless and with more pain in his chest that he cares to admit.


	5. Chapter 5

Taking Cas shopping is actually not half as eventful as Dean expected. Cas tries on a few things and decides then that he feels most comfortable in a suit and tie ensemble, and no amount of coaxing form Dean's side can get him to chose something different. Dean finally relents, what happened before still clear in his mind and he kind of feels like he owes it to Cas, to get him what he wants.

Somehow a trench coat ends up on the pile he dumps on the counter to pay and he swallows down his snarky comment because he's decided to indulge Cas and it would be half assed to go back on his word now just for trench coat (even if it's kind of ugly). The number that pops up once everything is checked out is a bit too high for his liking, no scratch that, it is way too high for his liking, but he pays regardless, because Cas jus radiates excitement and there's the memory of that hurt expression that doesn't cease to haunt him.

It unsettles him, more than he'd ever guessed, when Cas goes all flat and blank on him, and he's relieved to see the tentative smile on his face when he presses the handles of the plastic bag with Cas' new clothes into his hands.

They leave the store and Dean checks his watch but not really much time has passed since they arrived so the streets are relatively empty. He doesn't need to check his wallet though, to know that he's reached his cash limit for the month but the thought of Cas in his suit with those horrible rubber boots is just too much and he resigns himself to eat only bread for the next three weeks until he gets his pay check. It's not that he doesn't have some reserves, but those are meant for emergencies, mainly for emergencies regarding Sam, because let's be honest, everything he does is for Sam.

But this is for Cas, and maybe that should frighten him but somehow it doesn't. Because this feels good. Maybe he should ask Sam for money since Cas is his supposed to be his responsibility after all, but Sam makes even less than him with his tiny PhD salary and he spent so much time providing for his brother that it feels wrong to rely on him.

The shoes take longer than the clothes did, mainly because it's really hard to find fitting dress shoes that he can actually afford. They finally find a pair in a second hand shop, and as much as Dean dislikes the thought of wearing things other people have worn before him, Cas seems happy and that is enough for him. (His wallet is even happier).

And because he's in a good mood, he also buys the rainbow pinwheel that Cas spends nearly five minutes looking at while they're waiting for the clerk to finish another customer. He has to decline, however, Cas' suggestion to put it on the Impala. They spend the way back to the car arguing about the advantages of pinwheels on cars and even though Cas keeps mock pouting at him for shooting down every argument, Dean feels lighter than he has in a long time. The incident from earlier is forgotten and seemingly forgiven and Dean feels relaxed and easy.

Cas tries to jam the stalk of his pinwheel into the space between door and chassis frame while Dean's busy with putting the bags in the trunk and that ensues in a chase around the car when Dean snatches the offending item and keeps it just out of Cas' range. And he doesn't even stop for one second to wonder that he's having fun with Cas, fun he didn't have in a long time.

Dean finally traps the pinwheel in the trunk and locks it, chest vibrating with laughter as he has to double over at the kicked puppy expression on Cas' face that is just too ridiculous, because Cas gets excited at the smallest things. "Come on." He slaps a hand on Cas' back and opens the door to the driver's seat. "We can grab something to eat on the way back and once we're home you can get your toy back."

After Cas gets in the car, Dean starts the engine and pulls out of the parking space. He will grab a quick burger at Mc'Donalds or something, he's not particular fond of their mass produced burgers but since Cas doesn't have to eat, it would be a bit pointless to go eat out.

It's when he's happily munching on his cheeseburger, with extra bacon, that Cas addresses him with a sincerity that breaks through his food induced daze. "Dean."

He looks up sharply, there's something in Cas' voice that demands attention and Dean puts down his half eaten burger, because he feels like he needs all his energy for listening .

"You don't like me." The statement almost causes Dean to swerve into the opposite lane and he has to bite down on the curses that threaten to spill out once he has righted the car again. It wouldn't do to swear now after Cas has just dropped that bomb on him.

"What makes you say that?" Really what makes him say that? They just spent ten minutes or so chasing each other around the car like fucking five year olds. He wouldn't do that with someone he didn't like, hell he isn't even sure if he would do that with Sammy.

"You said so when we first met. You didn't want to play 'botsitter' for me and now you're doing just that. You also said I had the rabies."

Dean winces at the words. It's true, he said that, but that was before he knew Cas, before he learnt that he could just be like any other human. Well almost like a human, he still has some weird habits but Dean thinks they're kind of cute. Dean chooses not to dwell on the fact that he just thought Cas was cute.

"That was…" he trails off because he has no idea how to describe just what t_hat _was. It was prejudice and judgment, anger and refusal and he had let all that frustration keep him from really looking at Cas and giving him the benefit of the doubt. All those years he has spent avoiding bots and watching his back around them seem all so pointless now, because, really, they are just like humans.

"I didn't mean that." Yes he did. "Not really. I didn't know you then and I had some bad history with you bots." It's a meager explanation, one that omits too much and he feels Cas' questioning gaze on him as he glues his eyes to the road so that he doesn't have to meet the intensity of those blues.

Cas stays silent and that just irks Dean, because the silence demands that he continues and he doesn't know if he can go there, not like this, while he's in the car with a man that could still be considered a stranger. So he stays silent, gritting his teeth as the miles shrink between them and Bobby's house, he keeps chewing over words in his head but nothing feels right, so how can he possibly say them when they even fail him in his mind?

"I understand." Cas says when it becomes clear that Dean isn't going to answer soon and his voice is calm and flat again and Dean feels the sudden urge to slam the breaks and have this conversation right now, just so he never has to hear Cas use that voice again. But he can't, his head is empty and his chest hurts and he isn't even sure if it is because of the memories that show his mother with no face because he can't recall that for the life of him or if it is because it feels as if he had just lost an opportunity he didn't even know was there.

Bobby's house comes into sight and Dean realizes that if he just parks his car in his usual spot, Cas will get out and leave, take his new clothes and his pinwheel with him and Dean will be too much of a chicken to clear up the misunderstanding, because if there is one thing that Dean Winchester totally fails at, than it's talking about feelings.

He didn't even realize the moment this all had become about feelings.

He slams on the breaks, stopping the car a few yards before the driveway that leads around the house to the big parking lot at the back of Bobby's house. He knows it must look ridiculous, the Impala standing in the middle of the road that leads to Bobby's front, motor still revving and no attempt of moving from the spot. But he doesn't care, because this has somehow started to involve feelings, feelings beyond the anger he still feels about the loss of his mother and he can't just let it go.

He doesn't even know why he can't, and that, really, should scare him because Dean's notorious for one night stands and not so serious relationships, fucking everyone that catches his eyes, both male and female, and he hasn't cared about emotions for a long time, ever since Cassie, and now here he is, sitting in his car with a bot and fighting to get his voice steady so he can talk to him and explain his feelings, of all things, so that he doesn't have to watch another back turned on him. And he tries hard to swallow down the fear that talking about it will turn Cas away, just like talking to Cassie turned her away, and the thought is almost enough to make him clam up, but he can feel Cas' eyes on him and he hasn't left the car yet and that must be a good sign.

"I didn't mean it like that." Dean looks up and is met by Cas' steady gaze, and for a moment he is enthralled by the kindness in them, it is as if he understands that Dean is struggling and he gives him all the openness he needs.

He takes a deep calming breath, eyes locked with Cas and he starts talking. The story comes hard at first, he fumbles with words and has to restart several times, but eventual his voice steadies and he continues through the story of his past that he hasn't shared with anyone before. He tells him how much he loved his parents, both of them, despite their constant fighting, despite the late night yelling and the nights his mother spent alone crying in their bedroom, he tells him how all that changed when his father pushed little Sammy in his arms, fear in his eyes and from the other room he could hear the crackling of flames and the mechanical voice that spoke words he still can't forget even though he doesn't understand their meaning, he tells him how John spiraled downwards from them, lifting Mary on a pedestal so high it's impossible to reach and how he wasted away his life with alcohol and the pointless fight against a society that had embraced the advantages of robotics a long time ago, and finally how the burden of providing for the family fell on his shoulders, forcing him to drop out of school to find a job and how he had to watch helpless as John descended deeper and deeper into an endless cycle of alcohol abuse and self neglect.

And with every word that drops from his lips, it feels easier, the burden lifted and as much as the retelling hurts, it's also cleansing his soul. There are still things he omits though, there are just things he can't speak out lout, because that would make them real and his Dad is already dead, there's no need to talk bad about the deceased.

Silence falls heavily over them once Dean has finished and he finds himself fidgeting with the steering wheel, unable to meet Cas' gaze so soon after he bared his soul to him. He's suddenly anxious about Cas' reaction, no way he can bear him walking out on him like Cassie did, but maybe he won't, because Dean hasn't told him _that_ part of his past.

"Dean." It shouldn't be possible for Cas to put so many things at once in one word, but just the sound of his name, wrapped in the smooth of Cas' voice is enough to settle the flutter of anxiety in Dean's chest. He looks up at Cas and is met with the most steady and reassuring gaze yet and just looking at him makes Dean feel at ease.

"Thank you for telling me." Cas says, there's a certain gravity in his words but his eyes stay warm and Dean relaxes even further. "This means a lot to me."

Dean can't help it, he smiles. It's tentative and a bit strained but it's genuine and he can't say that about many of his smiles. But Cas isn't finished and his next words are like a punch to the gut.

"I understand when you don't want to spend time with me anymore. I am a bot after all." His voice is blank again and so is his face and Dean really can't stand to see that expression one more time, it just tugs at something deep inside of his chest and he has the urgent need to fix it.

"Cas." He says, but no, that is not enough, not this time. "Castiel." He waits until he has Cas' full attention, eyes wide again and expectant, before he continues. "That was a long time ago, it has nothing to do with you. I just grew up with a lot of misconceptions and prejudices and I let that out on you at our first meeting. And it's not that easy to just ignore all of it, but you are different. I couldn't hate you even if I wanted to-"

He cuts himself off, but it's already too late, the words are out and he can't take them back. It's not a confession, not in the true sense, but it is _something_ and there are too many emotions in his chest and a lot of them just spilled out of his mouth. But as much as it scares him, and damn it scares him, he can't deny that it isn't any less true just because it makes his stomach clench with unbridled fear. And that is precisely why he has to pick that sentence up, he can't just leave it like that.

"I don't hate you." He repeats, keeping eye contact and putting all his sincerity in his voice and the excess that doesn't fit in, he puts in his eyes.

Cas blinks at him, clearly surprised and then his lips split into that crooked smile of his and Dean's heart fucking stutters in his chest. And it's that smile that coaxes him to say what he says next and he only kicks himself a little in his mental ass, because the expression on Cas' face is worth it. "And I enjoy your company."

"I feel the same." Cas replies and his grin is all teeth and Dean restarts the engine before this can get any deeper into chick-flick territory and he drives the car back behind the house in its usual parking spot. But he feels good and maybe a little reckless, so instead of simply getting out of the car he turns to Cas and winks at him.

"How about we get you in your new clothes." He smirks and leaves the car before the reality of what he just did can sink in and he gets terrified over the suggestive tone he accidentally slipped into his voice. Even though he can't really say he would mind to help Cas personally into his new clothes- only to rip them off him as soon as they're finished. It's a good thing that Cas is still in the car because Dean's face is frozen in some in-between state of shock as he realizes just where his thoughts have gone. And damn him and his freaky libido, but not even the fact that Cas is a bot changes anything in how the warmth coils in his stomach at the thought of just what he could do to that body. Hell, he's even curious if that synthetic skin is able to flush red.

He stops himself short and walks around to the back of the car to get the bags, but he notices that Cas still hasn't left the car, and so he walks past the trunk and he rounds the rest of the car to look into the window on the passenger side. Cas is sitting where he left him, eyes wide and Dean actually has to do a double take, because is that fucking red on his cheeks?

"You alright?" He inquires, not entirely sure just how to deal with the situation. Cas looks like someone has dropped a figurative bomb on him.

Dean's words startle the other and he looks up at Dean with mild confusion as he tries to catch up with what is happening. "Yes, of course. Apologies." He fumbles a bit with the door handle until Dean opens the door for him and steps back to let him out, he even goes as far as to carry the bags for Cas, ignoring the little voice in his head that keeps telling him he's acting as if he were on a date.

Cas actually remembers getting Dean's half eaten burger from the car and Dean might have just considered giving the guy a kiss for his apparent awesomeness. It's not so farfetched, if Cas were a human Dean would totally tap that, heck, if he met the guy in a bar he would definitely aim for a one night stand but Cas is a bot and so he forces all inappropriate thoughts out of his head.

But that's easier said than done, because, hands down, Cas is the hottest guy Dean has ever seen, and he's screwed around with enough men (and women for that matter) to get a general idea of what he likes. But it's not just that, sure the idea of a naked Cas, writhing underneath him, skin sweat soaked (okay probably no sweat on that skin) and that pretty flush on his cheeks, is nothing short of arousing, but he finds himself liking the idea of waking up next to him, looking into those deep blue eyes first thing in the morning.

And damn if that isn't some scary shit right there, but he's already gone this far with Cas as to tell him about the part of his past he hasn't told anyone so far and he somehow gets the feeling that Cas would even forgive him for his shady endeavors in the past. But that doesn't change that Cas is a machine, and that is just fucked up, because his emotions are programmed and could be altered into anything Dean wants, but that would violate every shred of decency Dean has left. Not to mention that there is not a snowball's chance in hell that Cas might just feel the same for Dean on his own, because nothing good ever happens to Dean. Life has taught him that lesson over and over again after all.

Maybe he should go into town sometime soon, find a nice piece of ass to forget Cas for a while, but he gets the feeling that would only help superficially. And that hasn't even taken into account yet that he still has to deal with a childhood's worth of hatred concerning everything regarding bots, injected to him by his father, but it's just too easy to forget that Cas isn't human and he can't just bring himself to feel any negativity towards him.

He really is screwed.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **Most of the university related stuff here is made up since I have no idea how the US education system works. I googled a bit and still have no clue so this is mainly inspired from what I know and how it works in Germany. Oh and a lot is simply made up to fit the story and I figured we're in the future so what the hell.

Same goes for all the pseudoscience that has been going around and will come.

* * *

The house is deserted when they enter, aside from Zeppelin, but he doesn't really count, Sam's at the university obviously, but Bobby is nowhere to be seen either and Dean has the sneaking suspicion that he might be visiting Jody Mills and he smiles to himself at the thought. Bobby's a grumpy bastard, but he deserves some happiness and Jody might just be the right person for him.

"How about you change in your new clothes while I prepare some coffee? There's supposed to be some leftover pie in the fridge I could warm up." Cas' eyes light up at the mention of coffee and Dean has to hide the smile that threatens to show on his face. And that's not just because he loves pie, he's also going to share his favorite dish with Cas and somehow that makes him all excited and giddy. He knows he should be worried about the storm of butterflies he gets in his stomach whenever Cas smiles at him, but honestly, who cares?

He can't even pretend anymore that he distrusts or dislikes Cas for being a bot, and it's not that having a sexual relationship with a bot is problematic, heck, there are whole production lines solely aimed for pleasure, both normal bots and soulbots. The only thing that distresses him is that his feelings reach deeper than that and _that_ is a tad bit worrying. But Dean has never been one to care about conventions, so he' not going to start now.

There's still the thing though, that Cas won't ever return his feelings, but that doesn't mean he can't indulge himself in some fantasies. He can spend some time pining after Cas, just long enough until he finds something else to distract him. At least that's the theory.

He has the slightest hunch that it won't be that easy.

He checks the fridge while Cas disappears into the downstairs bathroom to change, and sure enough there are two slices of delicious pecan pie waiting to get eaten. There's even some leftover whipped cream in the back of the fridge and his mind conjures unbidden images of Cas stretched out on his bed, covered in whipped cream, offering up a piece of pie with his mouth and where the hell did that even come from?

He didn't quite expect that.

Well at least now he knows for sure that lil Dean has no objections whatsoever concerning a certain male bot with entrancing blue eyes and a serious case of bed hair. He shakes both the weird thoughts and the arousal from his mind and body and puts the cakes in the oven to warm them a bit. The coffee machine is one of those ancient things that still need a manual water refill and aren't connected to the water lines, so he checks if there's enough water left before he puts two cups on the grid and punches the buttons to get two coffees. He's still a bit impressed with the fact that Cas is apparently able to digest food, even if his capacity is limited.

The oven bings just when the coffee is ready and he takes out two plates to serve the pie on. He puts the whipped cream on the table along with sugar and cream and goes to fetch the coffee cups when a sound alerts him to the kitchen entrance.

His mind has barely enough capacities to process that it's a good thing he didn't get his hands on the coffee yet, because he would definitely have dropped them. Cas is hot, honest to god hot and Dean seriously underestimated the effect the suit would have on Cas. Even that stupid trench coat isn't able to destroy the picture; on the contrary, the sight of it, hanging off Cas' shoulders does things to Dean's imagination that aren't even funny anymore.

And that is totally not okay, because dammit, how is Dean supposed to stay calm when Cas is able to look like that? Worse, he will probably always look like that from now on, since that's his only set of clothes, and who even thought this was a good idea? Dean has to bite on his own tongue to prevent himself from saying something stupid like 'you look gorgeous' or how he would like to undress Cas until he wears nothing but his trench coat and bend him over the-

He quickly turns away to take the cups of steaming hot coffee, not meeting Cas' eyes when he puts them on the table. "You don't like it." Cas says and there is a hint of disappointment in his voice and Dean wants to hit himself because of course Cas is going to believe that when he react like that and that's just not fair.

"I like it." Dean is quick to supply but he's still not able to meet Cas' eyes so he focuses on the pie instead, placing a generous spoon of whipped cream next to the slice on his plate. Cas doesn't say anything further but Dean can still feel his gaze on him and so he finds himself at a loss of words again as he tries to make reason of the whirlwind of thoughts in his head.

"It's just…" He trails off and finally lifts his gaze to look at Cas and is met with the deepest and intense blue, and he just knows he will never get used to those eyes. It's just what? His libido is dancing tango in his groin and the things that coat is doing him are still not funny, not to mention that he desperately wants to run his hands through that perfectly messed up hair that looks like it stumbled straight out of bed.

"You just look too good." There, he shouldn't have said that, because now Cas is looking at him again, eyes wide with confusion and that little head tilt that does things to Dean he doesn't want to think about right now. Come to think of it, _everything_ that Cas does, seems to do things to Dean.

"I don't understand." Of course he doesn't understand, how could he, if even Dean doesn't quite understand it.

"It's complicated." Sure it is, it always is but Dean can't believe that he just used that jerkass answer to deflect the question Cas has every right to ask. And Cas' confusion just grows and he frowns as he tries to make sense of what could possibly be Dean's problem and that just makes him feel like the biggest douchebag in the Northern hemisphere. He slumps down on the chair, making a weak gesture for Cas to do the same as he runs his other hand through his hair. How the hell is he supposed to explain the mess of emotions that's currently going on in him?

He takes a reassuring gulp of his coffee, silently wishing it was spiked with alcohol but for now, caffeine has to do. But before he can say anything, the front door opens and only moments later, Sam stumbles into the kitchen, followed by a gorgeous blonde woman who still holds her belly from whatever it was that made her laugh in the first place.

Dean can't decide if he's relieved or annoyed that he got cut short, in any case he's not going to have that conversation with his brother and whoever the girl is in the same room. And he has to admit to himself that, secretly, he's relieved that he can put it off, that he can put some distance between his emotions and Cas to get his head cleared.

"What's up with you, little Miss Sunshine?" Dean leans back in his chair to look at his brother who shoots him an annoyed glance, he probably didn't expect the kitchen to be occupied and now he's faced with the humiliation that comes with having to acquaint his companion to his brother. "Thought you had work to do?" He rises a pointed eyebrow at the blonde, indicating to his brother that, yes he knows exactly what kind of work his brother has been up to.

It's almost too easy how he falls in step with this role of the teasing older brother and he knows he's a dick with how he's ignoring Cas, but he just can't bring himself to face that particular problem right now.

Sam actually blushes and splutters a bit as he tries to explain that he was indeed working and that Jess just offered to help him and he offered her coffee in return but didn't bring his wallet and it's at this point that he realizes that he just digs himself deeper and deeper into a hole Dean will never let him get out and he eventually falls silent, but not without muttering a muffled 'jerk' under his breath.

Dean foregoes the usual reply (bitch) in favor of smiling at Sam's new friend. "Jess huh? Nice to meet you. How come this moose hasn't scared you off yet?" He can hear Sam groan and his grin widens, especially when Jess aims a fond smile at his brother, and damn, since when did Sam get so lucky with the girls.

"Well it seems like my moose taming skills are still top notch." She smirks at Dean before she pulls Sam into a long drawn out kiss that, judging by the look of shock and surprise on Sam's face, was totally unexpected. Dean snickers silently at the expression on Sam's face once Jess pulls away, her hand still buried in his ridiculous long hair and looking more smug than should be possible for any person on this planet.

Sam slumps down on the one unoccupied chair at the kitchen table, and Dean doesn't need more incentive to get up to make another round of coffee, offering his chair to Jess in the process. He doesn't miss the forlorn expression on Cas' face who suddenly seems so out of place in his formal getup, but he forces the thoughts away as he listens in on the conversation that ensues. Thank goodness, his brother is a better person than he is and he actually includes Cas in it.

Jess is nice, Dean decides when he puts down the mug in front of her, not only does she make Sam laugh, she also has her own opinions and is not at all afraid to voice them. He makes a mental note to tease Sam a lot more about this but for now he's going to eat his severely neglected pie. The pie has unfortunately cooled down again, but he's too lazy to remedy that so he's stuffing his face with it anyway. Cas on the other hand, hasn't touched his slice at all, and one glance shows that he doesn't want to meet Dean's eyes. Not that he can blame him for that.

It's not that he won't talk to Cas, he will, he's just not ready for that yet. He needs time to sort through the mess in his head and heart and it wouldn't be fair to dump all that on Cas before he's even sure of his feelings himself. At least that's what he repeats to reassure himself, that he's not chickening out like the giant coward he is.

There's no way someone like Cas would fall for him. Not only is Cas beautiful beyond description, no, he's also brilliant and funny and all kinds of considerate. Not at first glance, no, but the time Dean has spent with Cas has shown him just how deep Cas' feelings can run, and his smile alone is enough to make his heart explode out of his chest. But good things don't happen to Dean Winchester, so instead of trying just to get rejected he'd much rather pretend that this is just some small crush that will go away if he's ignoring it long enough.

So maybe he won't talk to Cas after all, because he's a coward, and much rather live in uncertainty than get a harsh truth he can't handle.

"So get this." Sam starts and Dean internally groans, because whenever Sam starts a sentence with 'so get this', he's in for a long story of whatever happened to him. But he feigns interest regardless, because Sam's his brother and he has a girl with him that definitely has a thing for him and a bit of big brotherly support can never harm.

"I talked to Professor Blake this morning and she told me that she has reason to believe that my professor has embezzled funding money. And he apparently takes the research funding that is intended for me into his own pocket." Dean frowns at that, sure he has never met that Dick Roman guy, but he's so far heard mostly bad things from Sam and he can't say he likes the idea of someone screwing over his brother.

"Professor Blake was pretty surprised when I told her that I hadn't started yet with my work, because to her knowledge I got funded already, _twice_." Sam's voice is bitter and Dean feels torn between punching someone, preferably Dick, and kissing Jess, because she's a real babe and puts a comforting hand on Sam's shoulder and looks properly pissed at the same time. She's golden, Dean decides then, he needs to talk to Sammy about her, she's definitely a keeper.

"But once that Dick guy is outed, you should get your money, right?" Dean asks, because he has no idea how universities work, it all seems awfully complicated though.

"It's not that easy." Jess interjects. "Professor Roman has to pay the money back and then we have to go through a lot of paperwork and Sam can only continue if another professor takes over as his supervisor. Sam's field is rather special, with the sole focus on computations and programming so he's going to need someone from this field, but so far professor Roman is the only one with that expertise."

"Hold on." Dean lifts a hand to emphasize his point and, by extension, his confusion. "Are you saying that if this guy gets fired, Sam can't finish his PhD?" That can't be true. They can't do that.

"Well not at my university, at least." Sam shrugs as if it's no big deal, but it is and Dean can tell just how hard it is for Sam to pretend it's not. "Or I could switch my focus and do something else. Get more into practical applications or something."

"But you have some kind of scholarship. Shouldn't it be in their best interest to keep you where you are? I mean you're good at it, aren't you?" He can't help but flick his eyes to Cas at his words, because as little as Sam has actually worked on the guy, he has made some decent progress from his first day. That could as well be attributed to Dean and all the things he's shown Cas so far, but it's unlikely that he's responsible for _all_ of this. Sam is the smart one after all.

"There's nothing they can really do." Jess says, with a hint of sympathy. "Professor Blake said, she would take him in a heartbeat, but she's in a total different field. She just supervises the funding, that's why we talked to her in the first place." Dean can't help it, he feels proud of his brother for charming a professor who has nothing to do with his research into saying something like this. But no, charming is more Dean's MO, Sam doesn't need to charm, he's the genius in the family, he _impresses_.

And it's nice to see that this Jess girl apparently isn't just some fling he picked up on his way home, since she seems genuinely concerned and already emotionally invested. "That's hardly fair, is it?" He comments dryly, but in truth he's outraged, he wants to hit someone, preferably someone who has the power to grant Sam's funding. But he'll still need a supervisor, even though that doesn't make any sense, at least to Dean.

"Why d'you need a supervisor anyway? Can't you just do your research without one? Don't tell me you still need someone to hold your hand whenever you're doing something?"

Sam rolls his eyes but, hey, Dean is just brainstorming and his brain to mouth filter is not always working at full capacity.

"It's not that easy Dean. I don't really need a supervisor, I could do everything on my own just fine, but it's not allowed. Some kind of legal shit, they need someone to be responsible if I screw up."

"That seems highly ineffective." Cas comments out of nowhere and Dean notes with pride that he ate the whole pie somewhere between Sam and Jess' arrival and this exact point in their discussion. Jess actually looks startled and Dean suddenly remembers that no one bothered to introduce them so he's quick to remedy that.

"Jess, that's Cas by the way. Cas, meet Jess, Sam's girlfriend." He winks at Jess when he says that and she doesn't even blush but instead winks back, and alright she's awesome. Sam on the other hand…

"Anyway." Sam forces out once he has stopped spluttering. "They had this incident a few years back, where a PhD built a bomb in the chemistry department and no one noticed until it was almost too late. He said it was for his dissertation and that he wasn't going to use it, and no one really knew what his project really was about, because no one felt responsible so he could basically do what he wanted. Ever since then you need a supervisor who goes through all your project planning with you and you generally have to do everything they say or else you're screwed."

He scrunches his nose, and Dean can understand why he's always been so frustrated with his Dick.

Shut up, Dean is hilarious.

But still, building a bomb on research funds is kind of badass.

"What exactly do you want to write your dissertation about anyway?" Maybe it's a bomb.

"Dean really? I've been talking about nothing else for the last weeks and you still don't know?" Sam gives him his best bitch face and Dean just shrugs his shoulders. He's more a hands on guy, and all that theoretical crap about binary codes and programming languages that contain an unhealthy amount of punctuation, is way above his understanding.

"I'm trying to determine if there is some kind of evolutional effect on soulbots and their programming when they're exposed to everyday life. Basically I want to see if there's any form of adaptation."

"I thought evolution was supposed to happen over the course of thousands of years." Cas asks, before Dean can even gather his wits enough to try and understand what Sam has just said.

Sam smiles, obviously he's pleased that at least one person understands him. "Yeah, usually yes. But things like that happen significantly faster with computers. Just like how we have developed humanoid computers in little less than a century, or like Moore's law if you will, but not inherently exponential. But I'm mostly focusing on short-term adaptation in the behavioral programming, like putting you in a situation you haven't been in before and see if you fall back on your intrinsic programming or if you think up something new."

"That's all nice and well." Dean cuts in before Sam can launch on one of his endless rants about his studies, not that he really minds, Sam always gets excited and an excited Sam is a good Sam, but there's a girl present, and even though she doesn't look bored, there are certainly better things she had in mind they could do when coming here. "How about you show Jess around?" Dean offers, and yes, he knows that Bobby's house is not the most exciting place around but Jess shoots him a grateful smile, so Sam will most likely get laid, sue him if he dared to have a part in that.

"We'll think of something." Dean calls after them and earns a grateful smile from his brother in return.

"How d'you know all that?" He asks Cas once they're alone again, because the silence is kind of awkward and Sam's project is a safe topic in his opinion.

"Know what?" Cas tilts his head slightly, a curious expression on his face and it feels like their uncomfortable encounter earlier never happened. Or maybe that is just wishful thinking.

"About evolution."

"I don't know, the knowledge just happens to be saved on my hard drive." And with that there is silence again, only this time Dean has no idea how to fill it.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:** Okay two things: Rating will go up from here on out (there's not much going on in this chapter, but I want to be save anyway. But don't worry, there will be smut later. Nice and steamy. And also, there will be a lot of pseudoscience in some chapters, please don't take it as anything else than that, pseudoscience. It's all made up and doesn't make any sense. Hooray for pseudoscience. And also I want to thank you all for reading and supporting this story ;)

* * *

It doesn't take long for them to get used to the sight of Cas in his unusual attire. Sam kind of anticipated something like that, commenting on how he noticed certain errors in his system protocol, leading him to suspect that his common sense was pretty messed up, aside from the obvious evidence of course. When asked why he doesn't fix it, he just shrugs and gives Dean that look that doesn't need any translation, and they both know that Dean doesn't want him to fix it because he likes Cas the way he is.

Bobby just took one look, rolled his eyes, muttered something about 'idjits' and returned his attention to his beer. And Dean doesn't even bother to try and coax Cas out of his coat at least, because it's kind of hot and he has all kinds of fantasies involving that coat and damn when did that even happen?

Sam is too caught up in his university troubles and Jess, okay mostly Jess, but Bobby has definitely noticed something but thankfully he's not the kind of guy who wants to talk about everything. That doesn't keep him from giving Dean stern looks every now and then, but he can work with looks, so he just shrugs nonchalantly and continues with ignoring the obvious elephant in the room.

It's not that he goes out of his way to avoid Cas, he just makes sure to never be alone in the room with him, because he doesn't trust his mouth to keep all those conflicting emotions inside. Because Cas' presence does something to him, his body feels too warm whenever he's close and his thoughts run in circles and he finds himself more and more attracted to those soft pink lips and he catches himself fantasizing about the feeling of stubble against his jaw and really, it's all driving him slowly crazy.

Sam is on a date with Jess and it's just another evening in front of the TV with beer and popcorn. Bobby has even gone as far as confining Zeppelin to the cellar because he 'can't focus with that blasted whirring sound'. But one thing is different. One thing that Dean just can't ignore, no matter how much he tries to focus on the movie.

Bobby is sitting in his usual chair, legs propped up on the coffee table, he doesn't even bother to take off his cap for watching television and honestly, Dean doubts he would even recognize him without it. He has half a mind to ask if he at least takes it off when he kisses Jody, but he doesn't want to venture anywhere near that territory with his father figure. He's just going to tease Sam a bit more, when he comes back from his date, or probably tomorrow, because it's impossible to get a rise from stupidly happy Sam, fresh from a date.

Very mature Dean, really.

But neither of that is the real problem, no, the problem sits worryingly close to him, still wearing that ridiculous trench coat and how did it get so hot in here anyway? Dean realizes at this point that he had never been this close to Cas for this long. And that thought does some truly weird things to his body. He had battled with this sexual tension between them for quite a while now, it wasn't easy, not with Cas popping up out of seemingly nowhere behind him to ask something, with Cas having generally no idea what personal space even means, but it never had been as bad as this.

Cas is sitting motionless, hands on his thighs like usual, but Dean swears he can see the guy breathing. It is just a slight, probably imagined, moving of his chest, but for some reason it is sucking up most of Dean's attention. It is so human, and that thought leads to a lot of musings in what other regards he is human. He knows of course, he has felt the heartbeat and he has already seen him blush but those things all happened under rather innocent circumstances. No, Dean wants to know how much Cas resembles a human when he's stripped down to his skin, naked and quivering while Dean has his way with him.

Dean sucks in a sharp breath, earning him a raised eye brow from Bobby, but damn what is he supposed to do. Now that he conjured the image of a naked Cas, stretched out on this very sofa, breath shallow, goose bumps raised all over his skin, followed by a deep red flush and that heart beat raging in his chest as it pumps his blood down into his slowly swelling-

Suddenly there are two sets of eyes on him and he is vaguely aware that he is a) blushing and b) has just made a really embarrassing sound. And is that… oh yes it is, hello boner, fancy meeting you here. Could you please go away, like now?

The other two are still looking at him, and he awkwardly coughs in his hand, hoping that it gives enough cover for the definitely-not-a-moan-groan he just let out but nope, they're not buying it. At least Bobby isn't, and he gives him a 'don't jizz on my couch' look and damn if that doesn't put a damper on his boner, and returns his attention to the TV.

Cas keeps looking however, and the fact that he probably doesn't even know what just happened isn't really helping, not when his eyes bore into him and seem to peel away every layer of his being until there's nothing left but his soul. He can barely suppress a shudder and no, that is really not helping.

It sparks Dean's defense mechanism and he throws on a cocky grin, throwing an arm over the backrest as he leans into a seductive position. "Like what you see?" He winks and the resulting reaction is almost enough to wipe that grin clean off his face and leave him with mouth gaping open and eyes bulging.

Almost.

Thank goodness.

But Cas is blushing, honest to god blushing, and he looks at Dean with wide, nearly terrified eyes and then he moves his head slowly back to the television but his eyes stay wide at least for another minute.

Well that was unexpected.

And hello again boner, long time no see.

Dean wonders offhandedly, while desperately trying to focus on the TV in front of him, if this is some kind of punishment for all his sins. No living being should be allowed to be this hot. But Cas is not a living being so he has all the right to be as gorgeous as he wants and damn that boner is persistent.

Cas is watching him all throughout the evening, not directly but out of the corner of his eyes and Dean has a hard time focusing on anything else but that. Granted, that had been the case for the evening even before his 'accident', but now it is downright impossible. He is sure he can actually _feel_ Cas' stare on his skin, it sends all kinds of shivers down his spine. Needless to say it doesn't help his boner situation at all.

But Cas, oblivious as ever, stares on, and finally Dean has enough and leaves for an 'early night'. Early night, my ass, he's so going to take a cold shower. Or maybe a warm one, he hasn't cleaned the pipes for a while after all. He chooses to ignore that he will most likely end up jerking off to the thoughts of a bot.

He has done worse.

Probably.

Okay definitely, he's definitely done worse.

He ends up in the shower anyway, and it's not long before those images resurface, and the water is really cold but hey he hasn't jerked off in a while and he feels like he deserves the treat and so he switches the water to a more bearable temperature. It doesn't take long and he's immersed in the feeling of his hand rubbing over sensitive skin, the steady beat of water drowning out the low gasps and moans he lets out as images of a naked Cas sneak their way into his imagination.

It's far too easy, really, to imagine Cas on his knees, water spilling down his face as he closes his mouth around Dean's cock, looking up through his lashes, his cheeks hollowed out and flushed a delicious red and oh mother of freaking pie, he's coming already, and it didn't even took him five minutes.

Well, damn.

Dean watches as his spunk disappears into the drain, his legs still wobbly with the aftershock of his orgasm and he can't quite wrap his head around what happened. Sure, he had some wild fantasies before, some of them happening in the shower even, but it had never been this intense.

To think that Cas didn't even do anything except for sitting next to him and watching a dumb TV show. What would it even be like if Cas actually touched him? Or if he just looked at him while Dean was pleasuring himself, those blue eyes trailing over his body, watching his every move and now is maybe the moment for this cold shower, because he absolutely won't jerk off in the shower to the thought of the same guy _twice_. Well at least not twice on the same day.

He finishes up his shower, banishing all thoughts of Cas from his mind and since when does he have such a raging libido anyway? He hasn't gotten laid in a while but that has never had that effect on him before. And usually, if it gets too worse, he just goes to hit town and find a girl or two, or sometimes a boy and after a good night of sweaty bed sports he could hop right back into his usual schedule.

Judging from the sounds that come from downstairs, the television is still on and that means that at least Cas is still awake, because he doesn't sleep and Dean has the sudden urge to go down there and push him back against the couch and kiss him and-

It's almost ridiculous really. A few weeks ago he was fine, his small world was pretty black and white, bots, while not necessarily evil, were bad and now everything was washed in grey and bots weren't as bad as he liked to believe and some were actually nice and there was one he'd like to fuck…

Yeah, let's face it. Dean Winchester wants to bone a bot. Ain't that terrific?

Maybe it should surprise him more, or probably even shock him, but to be honest Dean is well beyond caring. Cas is hot, there's nothing wrong with that and he's too much human to ever mistake him for just a machine. Or rather he seems to become more and more human with every passing day. And what was it that Sam said, there seems to be some free will going on with bots anyway, or else his thesis would be pretty pointless. So Cas is even more like a human that the commercials had let on, he looks and talks like one, he behaves like one and apparently he also thinks like one. So really there is no downside. He can't even get stds, heck, he is perfect.

Dean might have been just slightly aware that he is making excuses, that he ignores a big chunk of reasons why he should think this through a bit more rationally and less penis -driven, but he can't think of any of those reasons right now. And it isn't like he is going to make a move on the guy anyway. Cas is gorgeous and as he has proven recently, smart as fuck, he is at least five classes above Dean, who is all kinds of messed up and who doesn't deserve someone as awesome as Cas.

And why would Cas even want him? He's nothing special, he dropped out of school and works as a car mechanic who still lives in the last century, he listens to the same five tapes of music over and over again and he wasn't able to keep their family together and that's not even half the shit he's done. There was a time, after Sam had left for Stanford and his Dad had succumbed more and more into his alcohol addiction, when Dean had been in a very dark place, desperate to fill the hole that his brother had left. He had gotten into some shady business, done some things he really isn't proud of and really how his family (- Dad, + Bobby) accepted him back is beyond him.

He has talked to Sam, eventually, about a few things that he's done, but has kept the most of it to himself, he can't stand to see the disappointment in his eyes when he realizes what a fuck up his brother really is.

There is no way that Cas would ever want someone like him. Cassie has made that point abundantly clear, he doesn't deserve more than mindless barfucks. He should be happy though, at least Sam has found someone in Jess and if his little brother adds up to something in his life, that will be enough for Dean.

Despite the late hour, showering and reflecting on his life choices has eaten up quite some time, he finds it hard to find sleep. Tomorrow is a work day and he needs his rest but his thoughts keep circling and he just can't seem to get those blue eyes out of his mind. It's like Cas' eyes are a ghost that's haunting him and he's all out of salt.

Dammit, he really shouldn't have marathoned the first two seasons of that mystery show about the ghost hunting brothers. But hey, it's about two brothers and if that isn't awesome he doesn't know what is.

It's uncomfortably warm under his blanket but the moment he pushes it off the air is cold on his sweat dampened skin. He tosses and turns and when he finally slips under he's startled awake by an all too familiar voice.

"Dean."

He jerks and almost topples out of bed and he has to scramble to find the switch to his bedside lamp. Cas is standing in the door and how didn't he hear him, he couldn't have been that far gone, could he?

"Dammit Cas." He rubs his eyes and sits up, only half aware that he is pulling up his blanket to cover his naked chest. "You can't just… what do you want?"

"I don't understand the complexity."

"You don't, what now?"

"Natasha claims she loves Brad, but she is seeing his brother Chad behind his back and now she is pregnant with Matt's child. Matt, he's the long lost half brother that just recently returned."

Oh, he's talking about that TV show, 'Family Ties'. Dean faintly remembers there being a marathon on this night.

"And?" He is way too tired for this shit.

"I don't understand the significance of all their names having to rhyme." And Cas just looks at him with that confused lost puppy look and it's obvious how hard he is trying to understand the problem at hand. He can't be mad at that face, can he?

"Listen Cas." Dean rubs his eyes to gain a few moments to gather his wits. He has been half asleep after all and the complex science that is a soap opera needs an alert mind. "Matt, Chad and Brad are all the sons of Pat, well Patrick actually, but he's a douche who thinks he needs to remind his offspring whose groins they have to thank for their existence, so their names all have to rhyme with his. I think there is also a daughter somewhere, Katherine, Kat to be precise."

What?

The show's a classic.

"And Natasha is a lying, conniving bitch who wants to get revenge on the family for her mother for some ominous thing that happened in the past and that's why she screws with them. The names don't hold any significance further than that."

"I understand." Cas frowns, but it's more an 'I am in deep thought' frown than it is 'I am slightly mad at something I don't understand', and Dean can't help but grin, because seriously, the guy is adorable.

He's still standing there when Dean has fluffed up his pillows in an obvious attempt to signal that he wants to go to sleep now and he has to actually cough to get Cas' attention. "Cas? In case you didn't notice, I'm trying to sleep here."

Cas looks temporarily confused but then understanding dawns on him and he actually blushes a little. "Of course. Apologies." He turns around and Dean turns off the lamp and flops back on the mattress, hoping that this time he will find some sleep, when: "Sleep well Dean."

The door closes and Dean smiles in the dark.

Now he's pretty sure he will.


	8. Chapter 8

It only gets worse over time, at least that is Dean's impression. Cas isn't even doing anything to provoke a reaction, he's just there, ridiculously overdressed and a tad too stiff but still it's enough to make Dean all hot and bothered under the collar. Really it's not even funny anymore.

Cas bends down to greet Zeppelin in some kind of bot language and Dean is greeted with a face full of ass, as he so happens to round the corner at that moment.

Cas participates in the household duties, armed with a feather duster and Dean has to take cover in the kitchen because 'holy shit Cas as a French maid'.

Cas bakes pie in the kitchen, and that one really isn't fair, because come on. Pie and Cas? That's cheating.

The list goes on and half of the things that set him off are freakishly innocent but it doesn't help. And for some reason he keeps postponing his plans for going to town and blow off steam, it just doesn't feel right and damn that really should trouble him.

It gets even worse though, because at some point Bobby decided that they could need a pair of extra hands at the shop and since they have a perfectly multifunctional bot at their disposal, Cas gets asked to help out. And as the friendly helpful guy he is, he immediately consents.

From then on it's really only a downwards spiral. It is summer, it is hot and work clothes are only so much mandatory, as in Bobby doesn't care if his mechanics run around with only a sleeveless undershirt, and all that wouldn't be so bad if Charlie hadn't coaxed Cas out of his work shirt, saying it was mandatory for the work force. Really, Dean doesn't get why she even bothered, she's on a whole different team, but secretly he's grateful because holy mother of fucking pie, the man is hot.

Not that that was something new, but Dean had kind of assumed, what with his loose clothing (and admittedly the coat is too big) that he was more on the skinny side. And that's just not fair because Dean had to work hard for his toned body and Cas just got his courtesy of the company.

The only good thing out of this is, that Cas doesn't sweat. Honestly, Dean wouldn't be able to handle a Cas, covered in sweat and grease after a day of hard work. Not that he can handle him dressed and covered in grease and dirty from a day of hard work.

But Bobby insists on putting the freaking cherry on the cake and he orders Dean to show Cas the ropes, meaning he has to get close to Cas in order to show him the finer workings of car engines. And as much as he likes the thought of bending Cas over things, he's supposed to be working and Cas burying his head under the hood of a car, subsequently rising his butt into the air, provides almost too much distraction.

And Cas has little to no knowledge about cars, so Dean has to show him everything from step one. "It's probably pointless to ask but, have you ever done an oil change?"

"I'm afraid not."

"Good, they're obsolete anyway."

"Why did you ask then?"

"Because people who build cars are dicks and they insisted on having at least one thing that needs regular changing so they invented these engines that kind of runs on electromagnetic radiation but the electrolyte needs to be changed every odd year or so. And the contacts have to soak in buffer every now and then."

"Sounds complicated."

"Yeah, never let biologists try their hands on engineering. It's all nice and well, but it needs some nasty maintenance and don't get me started on the whole recharging process. At least they ditched the IEF. Last I heard they were discussing to revive the good old gasoline engines, only with built in algae tanks that produce bio fuel on the go. Apparently you'd still have to add some kind of nutrient medium, but it would be 100% squeaky clean."

"That isn't so different from what is used to power me and my kind." Cas observes and Dean is pleased that he apparently has no problems to understand all the technical terms and processes. "I haven't heard of the phytoplankton powered engine yet. It would definitely be an improvement though not having to regularly connect to a charger."

Dean rises an eyebrow at that. Now that he's mentioning it… "Shouldn't you, like plug in soon? I don't know your specifics but Zeppelin needs a charge about every week." Well Zeppelin is old and breaks down at least once a month, but you get the point.

Cas smiles complacently and Dean suddenly feels slightly patronized. "Zeppelin is a rather old model, and frankly, not in best shape." Dean generously decides not to take offense to that. "It is to be expected that he needs more charging since his intrinsic batteries are likely to be weak at this point. I am mostly self sufficient, but I require at least an annual charging and additional sessions when I happen to exert myself."

"So when has been your last session?"

"I'm afraid I don't know."

"Okay. Do you have at least some sort of sensor that tells you when you need a refresh?"

"Well my system tells me that my energy level is quite low, if that is what you mean."

Dean pushes up from where he leaned against the side of the car he was using to explain Cas the basics. He takes a long look at Cas' face before he shakes his head to himself. "You're serious, aren't you?"

"I don't understand what there is to joke about." Cas says, and he even sounds a bit indignant.

"Cas…" Dean starts but he sighs and rubs an oil covered hand over his forehead. "You should have said something."

"I just did."

"Yes, after a long talk about cars and motors in general. We have only one charger and that's Zeppelin's size. We need one for you and I can't just go and buy one because they're fucking expensive, which means I have to work extra, and even then I will have to pull a lot of favors and it will take time."

Cas' expression falls with every word Dean says and he pulls the blank over his face again and Dean knows what he's going to say next so he's quick to beat him to it. "Look, all I'm saying is that it needs time. I will get you a charger, hell if I have to take up a second job I'll do it, but we might run out of juice before I can scrap together the money and you should have said something earlier so that I could have started earlier." Now he almost regrets having bought Cas his expensive clothing.

"Dean, you don't have to do this." Cas takes a step closer, bringing himself right into Dean's personal space and that really doesn't make it easier to think.

"I don't? Then what Cas? Will you just use up all your juice and then stop moving in the middle of the day and we go and put you in the corner that you can maybe add a bit of youthful flare to the room? I won't let you drain."

"But I am dysfunctional."

"So what? I'd rather have you, dysfunctional or not." And Dean has absolutely no idea where that came from.

Cas smiles that crooked smile of his, and his eyes seem to shine in the blazing sunlight and that really isn't fair. Dean is sure he will die of a heart attack in his near future because right now it feels like his hear tries to punch a way out of his chest.

"Thank you Dean. I-"

"Don't even think of offering to work for the money yourself. You have almost no juice left, remember?"

"Okay." Cas nods, still smiling and there is something in his eyes, a certain warmth that Dean has noticed there before and he somehow wonders if that has something to do with him, but that can't be, can it? But there's no point in wondering about that now, or ever, for that matter. They still have work to do and if Dean really is going to earn some extra money, he better not be lazing around.

He makes sure however, that Cas doesn't overdo it, he doesn't want to drain him all out of energy. Bobby, of course, is not pleased to hear the news, but he agrees on letting Dean work a few extra hours, namely the ones Cas was supposed to work, not that he will be able to pay much. Cas is still allowed to survey though, so that he can get the theoretical backgrounds for when he's able to work himself. Sam isn't really surprised at the news, he has figured that something like this was eventually going to happen, he didn't expect it so soon though.

The ensuing argument about why he didn't think it necessary to address the subject before, ends with Sam admitting that he didn't think it was a big deal since he expected to get his funding and that would have included a charger. So really it's all just bad luck, as usual and Dean resigns himself to find a weekend jobs for the next few weeks.

Chargers are expensive, even if they buy a used one, which, unfortunately, is difficult in this situation, since Cas is a rather new model and he needs a special charger type that is only compatible with his model and that means chances are slim that they find a used one. He does the math, twice times over actually, and comes to the conclusion that he should have the money in four months if he works hard. But Cas won't have four months so it all comes down to favors and as much as Dean hates to ask for help, he has no qualms calling in a favor or two. That should reduce the time to roughly one month.

It turns out Dean just needs to pull one favor. Dean won't go as far as to call him a friend, but they left on friendly terms, and that at least means something. He met him during his time on the shadier site of society and they worked together a few times. Frank's a hacker and he got in some trouble with the wrong people and Dean ditched him out. It wasn't that simple of course, but Dean doesn't like to think too much about all the things he's done in that time and that includes what little good deeds he's done.

And it turns out that Frank knows a guy who knows a guy who sleeps with the gal who knows someone who just so happens to have a charger that fits their needs, and for some shady reason Dean really doesn't want to think too deeply about, he's willing to sell it rather cheaply.

Rather cheaply still requires a month of extra work, but it isn't as bad as it could be.

But working at Bobby's is not going to cut it entirely, the clientele is not what it used to be and Singer's salvage's old rusty charm doesn't attract as many people anymore. Dean knows that they should think about a new image, but he likes the old scrap yard mentality of the garage and he prefers to work on the vintage cars with good old gas engines, and they wouldn't get those if they polished up their image.

So Dean is forced to call in another favor, because no employer in his right mind would hire a dude for only four weeks. But Ellen is almost like a Mom to him and she can always use some help in the Roadhouse, so after a quick call and a tongue lashing about how he never calls, except when he needs something, he has a new part time job as a bouncer in the Roadhouse. And maybe he should be a tad bit offended that Ellen outright rejected his offer to work behind the bar, because she doesn't trust his people skills, but she got him a job so he doesn't complain.

That means however that he won't have much free time in the next month but it's for a good reason. Sammy tries to insist on getting a second job too, it was him who brought Cas home after all but Dean forbids it. Even without his funding, he has still a lot of work and responsibilities at university and Dean doesn't want him to neglect his future.

And it's not that bad, he likes Ellen and he looks forward to seeing her daughter Jo again. Jo is kind of cool, a bit much sometimes but he likes her. And maybe he can get Ash to check Cas out. Ash is more on the crazy side, a little like Frank, but he knows a lot about computers, maybe he can fix whatever is wrong with Cas' memory core. That's actually quite a good idea. If anyone's going to find out what's wrong, it is Ash. Sammy will probably be pissed that he didn't get the chance to work it out but Dean won't exploit Cas for scientific reasons. And Ash can give Sam the data afterwards.

That day they at dinner, he tells Bobby and Sam about his plans of working at the Roadhouse, minus the Ash part of course, because he's not going to have _that_ discussion, yet.

"What did you do to make Ellen actually hire you? Bat your eye lashes?" Bobby asks dryly as he opens his second beer.

"As if that would work on her." Dean grins at the thought of the last dude who thought he could flirt his way out of his tab.

"So how's Ellen?" Sam's plate is loaded with vegetables as opposed to Dean's that is mostly filled with meat. Even Cas has a plate, but he only got a children's portion. He is theoretically able to digest food and convert part of that into energy, but it's not nearly as effective as the digestive system of humans and too much food at once can be harmful.

"Good, I suppose."

"Eww Dean, don't talk while chewing."

And Dean proves how much of an adult he is by sticking out his tongue at Sam.

"You're disgusting."

"Eat your salad, rabbit."

"Jerk."

"Bitch."

Cas eyes the whole exchange with increased confusion, looking from brother to brother and finally to Bobby who just shrugs and drains his beer. Dean is actually surprised to realize that this is the first brotherly banter Cas has witnessed, and so he doesn't quite know what to make of the situation.

"I detect no animosity, but you two are fighting. I don't understand." Cas is squinting again and he has that face he gets when he tries really hard to understand something.

Bobby snorts in his beer and shakes his head to himself. "Don't try to understand it son. It's a brother thing."

Dean smirks and rises his bottle to Sam. "He's right. We're brothers and it's kind of our thing to insult each other."

"But don't worry, it's all good natured."

"You mean it's mostly good natured."

"Yeah, like that one time when you put that itching powder in my pants?"

"Oh come on, that one's a classic. And you got me back with that beer and the glue."

"I remember that one, wasn't that the prank war that kinda got out of hand?" Bobby throws in with a raised eyebrow.

"Bobby, every prank war gets out of hand. That's kind of the point. Well not really, but what do you expect from Dean?"

"Yes, since I'm the only one who was involved apparently."

"Is this normal between brothers?" Cas is making progress, he's already figured out that it's best to ignore the brother's bickering and just talk to Bobby in the meantime.

"I wouldn't know. Never had one. But between these two, it's fairly normal. I actually got worried, it's been a while since the last time."

"Is this their way of expressing their love?"

Sam actually starts to laugh and Dean glares at him, while Bobby just pretends to be a flower pot. In a way it is, but Dean prefers not to think of it as that, he doesn't like to think about emotions, much less talk about them and he really doesn't like to be called out on them. It pushes him out of his comfort zone and he was never good in handling that. And Sam knows that but that doesn't keep him from forcing him into conversations about his feelings every now and then. And like the little shit he is, he enjoys it even more when Dean is forced into that talk by another.

Cas, in the meantime, is still confused and looks a bit lost while the table around him seems to have gone crazy all of a sudden. "I don't understand."

"That seems to be the common reaction." Sam finally allows, taking a big gulp out of his glass.

Cas tilts his head inquisitively, seemingly mulling something over in his mind before he looks at Dean. "Is this another thing I should 'drop'?"

Dean looks up in surprise. He didn't expect that. But it makes a warm feeling spark in his gut and it settles there, just a soft glow in the background, because Cas understands him. He knows him since only a few weeks and already he understands how Dean doesn't like to be confronted about his feelings.

God, how is he supposed to withstand that?

Cas is too good for him. He gets him, after this short time, just like that, and Dean doesn't deserve that. Cas is everything he could wish for in life and that is precisely why he shouldn't get it. He has done too much bad shit in his time, screwed too many people, he's a failure, a letdown and the only thing he has showing for him is Sam. But he doubts that Cas would be impressed by that, sure Sam has come far, but most of that was his own doing, Dean just helped with the start.

He realizes that Cas still expects an answer so he just pats him on the back, remembering too late the fiasco that was the last time he patted Cas. But then again that hadn't been so much a fiasco, Cas had actually said he liked it when Dean touches him, and damn, why doesn't he touch him more often then? Especially when it gets him the expression Cas is having right now. It's a mix between surprise and a pleased smile and Dean can't help but to transform his pat into a light backrub.

The smile he gets in return will probably haunt him through every dream for a week.


	9. Chapter 9

Working at the Roadhouse is both easier and more exerting than expected. He doesn't have to do much as a bouncer, the establishment isn't exactly picky with its clients and so he only had to get physical when one of the guests overstays their welcome, or gets touchy-feely with the wrong person. Surprisingly, bar fights don't happen very often, so there's nothing he has to get in for and break up. Ellen's reputation is enough to scare most brawlers off.

He's not even sure what the Roadhouse would need a bouncer for; every trouble that occurs can be handled by Ellen, Jo or in dire cases, both. He's not going to think too deeply into that though, it's an easy job and he gets paid, that's all that matters. Ellen is a grown woman and usually knows what she's doing.

But that means he has to stand on his feet for a long time and doesn't get to do much but listening and watching all the people inside. And Dean can't really handle doing nothing for extended periods of time. He needs to be busy, he needs something to focus on, because his head isn't a place he likes to be most of the time. Especially not when he's constantly thinking about a certain bot and how the smallest things said bot does, affect him.

To think that not so long ago he was pissed at Sammy for bringing him home, how he felt cornered, because a bot, a soulbot of all things, invaded his house and his personal space, and how confused he was that he somehow liked it. He can't even pretend to dislike bots anymore, even if he wants to, and honestly, he doesn't. Because Cas is the best thing that happened to him in a long time, he gives him a sense of belonging, of peace and safety and he just wants to hold on to that forever.

Sometimes he's pretty sure that Jo possesses an uncanny ability, of showing up whenever Dean is close to a hysterical laughing fit. Or an emotional breakdown, he's not too sure of which yet. Maybe both.

And that's just classy Winchester. You're at work, get your shit together.

"Okay Winchester, time to let your pants down. What's up?"

Dean is startled out of his thoughts as Jo pops out of seemingly nowhere, clapping a hand on his shoulder. It's well into the night, no new customers have arrived for a while and Dean just stands by the door, keeping a bored eye out for potential trouble.

"Damn it Jo, warn a guy before you jump him." Dean exclaims, more surprised than angry. He hates to admit that Jo actually got the jump on him but she's tough so he'll forgive her. Besides, with that mother, she's got to be sneaky to get anywhere.

"Don't tell me you wouldn't like it." She smirks and damn where did she get that cocky attitude. Probably from him and that should worry him, because his attitude is nothing but a façade he keeps up to fool his family into thinking he is whole and undamaged. Not broken. She shouldn't copy that, of all things.

But he can't let that show, ever, so he retorts in the same fashion. "Maybe I would." He grins and winks at her and Jo huffs, before she grins too, slapping another hand on his arm.

"But seriously, what's gotten into you? You've been scowling and frowning at the wall for the last hour. Don't tell me there's nothing up."

It must be bad when he didn't even realize that he was doing it. Still he tries to deflect it. "Don't know what you mean." He shrugs, but it's obvious that Jo's not buying it.

"Yeah right, and Ash is a perfectly groomed gentleman, ready to go on a picnic with the duchess of Cambridge." She glares at him for a moment but then her face softens and she leans back against the wall next to him. "I'm not saying you have to talk to me, but you should talk to _someone_."

She's right. He knows she's right, but that doesn't make it easier.

"We've got us a soulbot." He relents, fixing his eyes on the opposite end of the room.

"I know, Ash almost fell from the pool table when Sam told him, he's always wanted to get his hands on one. Sam actually said that yours is kind of weird."

"That's kind of an understatement."

"I thought you don't like bots?"

"I don't. I mean I didn't. That's exactly the problem." He sighs in frustration. It sounds even dumber now that he's said it out loud. He really has some issues.

Jo just raises an eyebrow in response, but he refuses to look at her. A drunk stumbles past them but he finds the way out on his own so they ignore him.

"You like him? Is that it then?" He should have known. He should have known that Jo would put the pieces together, she's learnt from the best after all.

Dean fidgets, and if he weren't already not looking at her he would avert his eyes. It's true, that one is obvious, but he has a hard time admitting it to anyone that isn't him.

"You like him." Apparently his silence was answer enough.

"Kind of."

Jo sighs and shakes her head, but there is a smile in her voice as she continues. "Winchester, you really go for the weird or the ugly." He's offended, for a moment, before he remembers that it's Jo and that is her way of telling him she accepts him and his choices. It's not the big talk about emotions that Sam would put him through, but Dean prefers that actually. It makes things seem easier, more acceptable and that is nice for a change.

"Hey, Rhonda wasn't ugly, she was just… special."

"Special? You mean the makes-you-wear-girly-panties-special?"

"How do you even _know_ that?"

"You can't hold your liquor as well as you think you can."

"That is a false accusation and blatant lie! Joanna Beth, hasn't your mother taught you any manners?" Dean raises his hands in mock horror, but he can't hide the grin. Somehow, talking to Jo has eased his worries. She kind of has that effect.

"And what would _you_ know about manners? Last I heard, you grew up in a barn."

"Well what can I say. It had four walls and a roof, and the hay was rather comfy."

Jo snickers and punches his arm lightly and Dean pretends it hurts but he's laughing too, and everything just feels so easy and uncomplicated. And then Ellen is on their asses, reminding Dean he's supposed to work, but she gives him a hearty pat on the back and a fond smile before she drags Jo back with her behind the bar.

The rest of the night passes uneventful.

* * *

The conversation with Jo has actually helped, her easy acceptance has done a great deal to alleviate Dean's worries and he feels pretty good when he finally falls into bed. It's no surprise really, that he wakes up from a pretty intense dream with a certain ache in his lower body.

It's not a good day unless you start it with morning wood.

Or so the saying goes.

Or maybe not.

It's a Sunday and Dean has the day off, the garage is closed and Ellen refused his plea to work on Sundays, arguing that she doesn't want Bobby to be on her ass for exhausting Dean when he needs to be fit and awake for work, Monday morning. He has a hard time imagining anyone on Ellen's ass about anything, but at least Bobby would have the guts to try it. Then again he doesn't want to think about anyone one Ellen's ass and that thought process just got conveniently rid of his boner.

Things should always be this easy.

But they're not and so he finds an almost motionless Cas sprawled out on the couch when he comes down for a late breakfast/early lunch. His first instinct is to dash over and see what is wrong but Cas turns his head slightly to look at him when he enters the living room so at least he's not dead.

"What's wrong?" Dean asks, hesitating. Cas looks kind of vulnerable in that position and he doesn't want to make Cas any more uncomfortable than he already is.

"My energy level has reached an alarming level and I have consequently shut off every unnecessary body function and reduced the essential functions in a way to preserve energy." Cas' voice is normal but Dean notes how he doesn't move his lips while speaking and what is even more unsettling, he doesn't blink. He's pretty sure also, that Cas doesn't 'breathe' right now and his pulse won't be there either. And that is just damn creepy.

"So you're a snail now?" Dean pushes away his uneasiness, this is still Cas, the same Cas he's gotten used to, over the last weeks, only in energy saving mode. Not unlike his cell phone likes to do whenever the battery reaches 15%, annoyingly reminding him with a beep.

Yeah okay, it probably isn't smart to compare Cas to his cell phone, but hey, the analogy was fitting. In a way.

"I don't see how I can resemble any form of mollusk."

Of course, the joke is lost on Cas.

"Dude, you're like slow and you barely move. I bet it would take you a few days to reach the kitchen."

Cas just looks at him, his face eerily stiff and unmoving but he gets the impression that Cas would frown at him if he could move his face right now.

"Actually I haven't reduced my moving speed, I simply chose not to move at all, since motion would drain energy."

"Is it that bad?" Dean can't help but ask. This is slowly getting to him, seeing Cas like that is really unsettling and he's starting to get worried about the consequences if they don't manage to plug him in before the energy runs out. And it's still two weeks until then, hopefully.

"I don't know how bad 'that bad' is, but I haven't yet reason to reduce cognitive functions so it is safe to assume that it's not 'that bad'."

"What would happen if your juice ran out before we get you to a charger?"

"I would shut down completely before that could happen, in order to preserve my functionality. You would have to recharge me completely before you could turn me on again. But that won't happen most likely, I am still utilizing the electromagnetic field to generate energy, and it will be enough to power basic functions. This is an unfortunate downside to the design of my energy source. It is not able to provide complete autonomy. I hope they will fix that in later models but I fear it is just a hoax to trick additional money out of their customers."

Dean can't help but wonder if this is some kind of side effect to the whole energy saving mode, he hasn't heard Cas this much at once and of his own accord since, well, he met him.

"Are you supposed to bad talk your creators?"

Cas shrugs. Or rather he attempts to shrug, but nothing happens and Dean is a bit freaked that he still managed to pick up on it, even though there was nothing to see.

"There's nothing in my system code that forbids it, so I assume it is okay. Or maybe I have accidentally shut that part off."

"You can do that?"

"Do what?"

"Shut part of your programming off? Like that protocol or whatever that keeps you from attacking humans, could you turn that off too?" And that is a damn scary thought, because suddenly all those safety programs don't seem so safe anymore, and that means Cas could essentially turn on him at any second.

"Why would I attack humans?"

Except, he wouldn't.

"You wouldn't, I guess. But you could and that is kind of… scary." It is even scarier, that he just admitted that openly. Damn, he's getting weak.

"Dean." Cas pushes himself up and something seems to flick over his face and then his expression is suddenly smooth again and he frowns at Dean, a stern look in his eyes. He puts a hand on Dean's thigh and leans right into Dean's personal space to stare as closely as possible in his eyes and Dean can't even focus any more on the slight panic about Cas over exerting himself in the process, because he's so close all of a sudden.

"I'm not going to attack any humans. I'm not like that bot that killed your mother. I don't understand why you would think that." And for one maddeningly hysterical second Dean expects him to blurt an 'explain', like a Dalek, but then he berates himself, because Cas isn't a soulless monster like that, Cas is a good person, bot or not. Cas deserves a lot more than being compared to a Dalek of all things.

"I know you won't. It's just. I don't know, I kind of thought that there are foolproof emergency programs or something, that spring when you have a system error or something that fries your inhibitions against killing humans, you know like an emergency shut down or something. I just don't like the idea of them being something you can just turn off."

"Dean." And there it is again, that sure tone of voice that only Cas can use when he says his name, putting infinite nuances on that single syllable and Dean feels stupid for freaking out like that, there's no reason to, really and Cas even thought it necessary to go back to full capacity and if he shuts down early, it will be his fault. And he's just stupid and a failure and he doesn't know how to even treat his friends right and here he goes again, assuming Cas is his friend while he clearly showed how little he deserves that.

"Dean. There aren't just only programmed inhibitions against killing humans, there is also a conscience that keeps us from ever harming you. We are called soulbots for a reason. It might be artificial, but we all have a soul. We are built to love humanity, we would never think of harming any of you. And there must have been something seriously wrong with that bot, because you can't just override the emergency protocol, but even if you could, I still wouldn't harm you, ever. I won't ever harm you Dean."

And he's so serious, eyes boring into Dean's and no, he doesn't deserve that, he's just a loser with a too cocky attitude, and no one should ever look at him like that, like he has worth, like he is important. And Cas doesn't just look at him like he's important because he's a human , but because he's _him_.

It's there, bright and obvious in the way Cas holds himself, comfortable in Dean's proximity, in the way he looks at him, as if Dean was more important than the world and that just can't be because Cas deserves more than the letdown that is Dean Winchester, who couldn't even hold up the faith his father had in him. But Cas isn't finished, and the next thing he says is like a punch to the gut.

"You are my friend Dean."

He can't stand it; he can't stand that gaze, so he looks away. He can't stand the truth so he blocks it out, because no way is that the truth. Cas must now, he's too smart not to, that Dean isn't worth it, and he's only saying that to placate Dean, because he's considerate and doesn't want to hurt his feelings. Cas is so close, too close and he can feel his warmth, and that shouldn't be because Cas is wasting energy, on him of all people.

"What is the matter with you?" Cas asks and tilts his head, squinting as he tries to figure Dean out. And it is too much, it is, because Cas gets even closer and he can feel his breath and fucking hell, he really pulled out all the stops.

"You don't think you deserve this." And there is so much wonder in Cas' voice, and a hint of disbelief but that doesn't matter because Cas has figured it out and now it's all over. Cas has realized how worthless he is and he will leave, go with Sam to his fancy university and be his priced project for all the world to admire.

He chokes out a laugh. "Of course I don't. You don't know half of the things I did, but trust me when I say I'm not worth it."

"I can see that you are a good person."

"Then you're not looking deep enough."

"Good things do happen Dean." This needs to stop or Dean is going to lose it.

"Not in my experience."

Cas shakes his head, and there's sadness as he keeps his eyes on Dean and a heavy weight is settling on his chest because he didn't want Cas t o ever look like that.

"Dean." He says, and this time it is soft and so full of emotion it takes his breath away. And Dean expects him to say something else along the lines of how he sees things in him that aren't there, but instead he rests a gentle hand on Dean's cheek and that gesture comes so unexpected that Dean is stunned into silence. "I'd like to rest now. Please, stay with me."

Cas doesn't wait for a reply, he just settles back, hand dropping to his stomach as he spreads out on the couch and Dean can't help but follow the soft tugging on his sleeve as Cas pulls him down to sit and allows his head to pillow on his lap. It is so strange and unexpected but at the same time it settles a certain warmth in Dean's belly so he allows it and somehow, even though he can't remember when and how, a hand finds its way into Cas' hair and rests it there as the other puts his system into standby.

And Dean feels at peace.


	10. Chapter 10

Two weeks pass with Cas mostly knocked out on the couch and then it's finally time to meet Frank and his friend of a friend's friend (or whatever) to get their hands on that charger. The affair is over quickly, thankfully, and he doesn't have to endure Frank for long. The guy's alright, most of the time, when he's not anywhere near Dean.

The charger is smaller than expected, a rectangular box with a few extending cables and a tube filled with clear blue liquid sticking out of one side. Dean isn't sure for a few seconds if something this small will actually be able to recharge Cas but then Frank launches into a longwinded explanation of the finer physics of robotics and Dean decides just to take his word for it. He doesn't understand one word of it anyway.

It's not that he can't sic some people on him in case it doesn't work.

Okay, maybe he shouldn't actively think of getting a few of his old contacts to settle a score for him, he's been down that road and he knows how that didn't end so well. Even if the thought was just a joke. That territory is dangerous and he shouldn't get familiar with it - again.

It's a strange relief to hand over the money, it's not that much, because favors and all, but it is still a decent sum but he gets something in return that is worth so much more. And that is even stranger, because he's used to making sacrifices, for Sam, always for Sam, but this one is for someone else and that leaves a foreign taste on his tongue and he can't decide if he likes the addition.

After all, sacrifices are never easy.

Frank tells him he never wants to see him again and that is fine, because Frank is just another line that ties him down to a past he'd much rather forget. He takes the charger and leaves, without looking back and if it feels like he just has shut another door behind him, that's fine, he wouldn't have it any other way.

Sam and Jess are there when he returns home, acting conspicuously innocent and he doesn't have to ask to know that they're curious about the charging process. It comes a bit as a surprise, Sam should be used to it, he's supposed to have done it before, but then again his whole focus had been in theoretical stuff, maybe he never got to plug one in.

That sounded unnecessary dirty.

While totally not thinking of Sam plugging things in, yeah thanks for that mental image by the way, Dean leads the two of them into the living room, where Cas is resting on the couch, eyes closed, after a long (one sided) debate, how creepy it is to watch TV while Cas stares on with his unseeing eyes. Cas wasn't too responsive (he could talk but most of the time he chose not to) but he closed his eyes regardless.

At some point they had also shed their reservations about moving Cas around. Watching television while a motionless bot occupied the majority of the couch isn't as much fun as it sounds. They also found out at some point that he stayed in whatever position they put him in, and they were totally not abusing him as a beer and popcorn holder. But Dean had too much respect for Cas to allow anything else, he might have entertained the thought of putting him in compromising positions and taking embarrassing photos but like he said, respect.

Sam's 'Dean please' bitch face might have had something to do with it too.

"So how does this work?" It is Sam, of all people, who asks and Dean shoots him a face that clearly reads 'seriously?' and Sam just shrugs in return. He's like that one guy from Big Bang Theory who only does the theoretical stuff and Dean has to start wondering why he knows all those weird TV shows from half a century ago.

Because TV today is total crap and not worth the time it would take to watch and so they have to stick to the oldies. Good times.

"Well we plug him in and hit 'on'." Or so Frank had explained.

"It shouldn't be too different from Zeppelin, should it?" Sam asks, and looks from Cas to the corner in which Zeppelin is plugged to his own charger, green light indicating that he's long finished but no one bothered to unplug him yet. Poor guy deserves some rest too.

"Yeah." Dean agrees, but makes no attempt to move. He just stands there, charger in hand and looks at Cas who just sits there, and it was really creepy for a while how he wouldn't give any signs that he was still alive, or rather functioning, and it felt a little too much like sitting next to a dead guy. Until he got stuck in the middle of a popcorn throwing match, and is that popcorn in his hair? So they _did_ overlook a few.

He would react, if prompted, but most times he would just ignore everything that was going on, that little stunt with Dean two weeks ago had drained too much energy and it was either that or shutting him off completely. But since rebooting is kind of a bitch, and moving a lifeless and limp Cas is definitely too creepy, they decided to have the brain dead variant.

Jess looks from brother to brother and then huffs a breath as she takes the charger from Dean's hands. "Have neither of you ever done something like this?" She asks, and that is definitely incredulousness and a lot of amusement.

"Well we did, with Zeppelin." Dean makes a weak attempt at saving his reputation but Jess just laughs.

"Your turtle has a base station, he could technically plug himself in." And Dean is not going to admit that he didn't know _that_. Hell, he's glad that their little 'turtle' hasn't exploded yet. Counting the times he actually caught fire by some weird yet unexplained accident, he is long overdue. But he has grown on Dean and he's a comfortable foot rest. Sam insists on vetoing the beer holder though.

"This one needs energy transformation. It takes the power from the socket and translates the electrical current into a chemical signal. That's what this is for." She taps her fingers against the tube with the blue liquid. "And these here," She tugs at two cables that look different than the others, thicker and less giving. "split the signal up, one gets translated again, into another electrical signal that goes directly to the brain, the other stays as it is and goes to the central neural system."

It all sounds vaguely familiar, but Frank had used a lot of complicated words and Dean had only been half listening so this is actually an interesting bit of news.

"You're supposed to know that." Jess shoots Sam a sharp glance and he just shrugs.

"I know the theory behind it, I just never plugged one in."

Jess rolls her eyes, muttering something under her breath that sounds suspiciously like 'how you get anything done is a mystery to me'. Dean grins, but Sam shoots him another bitch face, reading 'you didn't know either' and Dean just grins wider.

"So how do you know all that? I thought you were a doctor?"

Jess snorts. "I am. You wouldn't believe how many people turn up with their bots and some weird problem for me to fix. At some point I figured why not, I could use the extra money, so I read up on bot treatments and started fixing them. It's surprisingly similar to treating humans , well aside from the 'my bot isn't moving' – 'have you charged it?' lot."

Well that's… crafty?

"Don't forget the 'have you tried turning it off and on again?" Sam jokes.

"Anyway, you should unplug Zeppelin, and probably everything else. Judging by the looks of it, this house is pretty old, I'm not sure if the wiring can take it. The energy requirements are pretty high and it could blow your fuses."

"Wow, reassuring much."

"Well, it's a possibility. The overall energy consumption isn't that high, but the initial uptake is immense, like when you flip on many electrical devices at once."

"Can't we use one of the sockets in the garage? The power supply there should be able to take it. We don't need to charge car engines or anything but the energy use is pretty high on some days."

"That could work, yes. But how do we get Cas there?"

"Maybe he has enough energy left to walk there himself. We should be able to check his energy level via the control panel." Jess suggests and pats Sam on the back.

"I'll get my screwdriver." Dean sighs. He still doesn't like the idea of poking Cas in his ear, maybe even less than before. He wouldn't like it if anyone would poke something in his ear, albeit he remembers a certain volume of Busty Asian Beauties that explored a certain kink, involving voluptuous ladies (not a surprise there) and a lot of ear cleaning. That had been kinda hot, well after the ear cleaning was over.

Sam fiddles a bit with the control panel, pressing buttons until he gets the information he wants. "Well he's at three percent, stable, but I don't know how far he can get with that."

And it's more than creepy, how they stand huddled behind the couch, looking at the small panel, and Cas is just sitting there as if he's sleeping but he can hear everything that is said. It's just so easy to forget that.

"Come on Cas." Dean puts a hand on his shoulder and shakes him softly. "I know you're listening, get your metaphorical ass here." He sees Sam's bitch face out of the corner of his eyes, okay maybe that last part was unnecessary but he's entitled to that after sitting through two weeks of an unresponsive Cas.

Since when did he become so needy?

Cas eyes blink open and he looks around as if to orient himself. "Hello Dean. Hello Sam. Hello Jess." Cas' speaks slowly and his motions are short and chopped.

"Yeah yeah, hello. Been there done that. Okay, how much did you get?" Cas frowns and it seems to be more strained than not. It really is time to get him charged.

"I'm not… sure? My cognitive functions are limited."

"Don't worry, we'll get you hooked up and you're up and kicking in no time." He's not even aware he's doing it but when Cas' lips twitch ever so slightly, he realizes that he has put his hand on Cas'. The smile is barely there and looks strained, like everything else he does, but it warms something in Dean's heart. And that really should worry him, Cas is in sleep mode, scarcely moving but he still manages to make Dean's heart flutter.

How can one single person be this amazing?

"Can you walk? To the garage?" Sam asks, kneeling in front of the couch to look at Cas. "We're not sure if we have the energy requirements here."

"Cas frowns again and it takes him longer than it should to find an answer. "I'm not sure. I'm close to shut down."

"We'll help you." Dean decides and he motions for Sam to follow his lead as he pulls one of Cas' arms over his shoulder. Sam closes the panel after pressing a few other buttons and follows him around the couch. As long as Cas hasn't shut down they can move him around, and he's not this much heavier than a human of his size would be, so they should be able to carry him between the two of them. The garage is right next to the house after all.

It takes a bit of shuffling but they manage to pull Cas out of his seat, Jess close behind with the charger.

"I'm going to unplug Zeppelin, just to be safe. It could damage him, if the fuses blow." Jess steps over and shoves the small bot from his charging platform. He beeps his thanks and proceeds to do whatever it is he does when no one gives him a task. Most likely cleaning, that bot sure likes to clean.

"The garage and the house don't share a power supply." Dean points out and he's sure that would have earned him a reprimand from his brother, but Sam's too busy coordinating his steps as not to fall over and drag them all with him.

"Well then I just helped you save energy." Jess replies smugly. Sam chuckles and Dean has to grin too.

On their way out they run into Bobby who has a very confused looking Jody behind him.

"Is this some sort of crime I should know about?" She asks as she looks from the motionless Cas to the two brother carrying him. "Wait, I don't really want to know. From what Bobby has told me, I am much better off in the dark."

"Hey Jody." Dean greets and Jess just waves the charger in the air as way of explanation.

Bobby eyes the device suspiciously. "Don't break anything." He grumbles and leads Jody into the house.

"Please hurry." Cas' voice is barely a whisper and sounds more strained than before. "I don't think I can maintain operational mode for much longer."

"It's alright Cas. We're almost there." Dean tries to soothe, and he's aware of how irrational this is, Cas is not dying, the worst that can happen is that they have to reboot him, and that is really not that bad, but he feels like he needs to assure Cas. After all, it can't be comfortable to be this helpless, short of shutting down, and he knows he would want someone to tell him that things will be alright.

As cheesy as that sounds.

They drop Cas in the only chair in the small office at the back of the garage building and Jess goes off to set up the charger. Dean is loathe to leave Cas' side but he needs to know how to set it up in case Jess isn't there the next time. He squeezes Cas' hand one time before he follows Jess to the spot where the power sockets are.

"You need to regularly check the transformation fluid, you need to change it once the color changes to orange. I think there's some kind of indicator - anyway, the setup is pretty easy. You just plug it into the wall first and switch it on to make sure nothing blows and damages the bot and then you plug these two into the bot. One goes into the maintenance panel, the other to the control panel."

"Sam you really should marry this girl." Dean comments as Jess unrolls the cables and sets them up. Sam splutters and mumbles something incoherent, the only audible words being reiterations of 'jerk', but he can see the faint blush on Jess' cheeks and the pleased smile that tugs at her lips. She doesn't say anything though and just continues with the setup.

The maintenance panel, as it turns out, is at the small of Cas' back and only opens through a command put in the control panel. It's a bigger version of the control panel, more buttons, more slots and ports and a few cables sticking out. Jess shows him the correct ports, but really there is no magic, it's kind of obvious which plug goes into what hole, with all the color coding and different shapes.

"Will you do the honor?" Jess asks and pushes the last cable in his hand, a small smile playing on her lips.

"I hope this isn't some kind of euphemism." Dean mutters before he carefully pushes the plug into its designated place. Nothing happens, at least nothing to the effect Dean had expected, but a small light starts blinking on the LCD display in the control panel, indicating that the charging has started. Jess stands up and walks over to Sam, receiving a muffled thanks and a peck on the lips.

"We should go, I think Bobby has some kind of barbecue planned and he could need our help." Sam says and pulls Jess out of the room after throwing one last glance at his brother.

Dean is aware that they're leaving to give him a moment with Cas, and he should probably think about what that implies, but he doesn't want to bother with that right now. Cas looks so vulnerable, slumped back in the chair, eyes halfway closed and Dean can't find the will to leave him alone.

Cas blinks and forces his head up to look at Dean. "Dean." His voice is still weak and sounds tired and he has a hard time keeping his eyes open. It's this moment, as strange as that is, that Cas seems the most human. "Please, will you stay with me?" He asks and his voice sounds so hopeful that Dean couldn't have said no, even if he wanted to.

He takes Cas' hand again, limp and almost like a dead weight, and he entwines their fingers, ignoring pointedly the implications of that gesture, because it just feels right. "Of course." He says, and because standing is uncomfortable and because it is easier for Cas to look down than up, he slumps down on the floor, leaning against Cas' legs and resting his head against the other's knee. He doesn't let go of Cas' hand though and so he can almost feel every beat of power thrum through Cas' body as his energy storage is replenished.

The position is not exactly comfortable, the floor is hard and the angle his head has to bend to rest on Cas' knee is awkward but every thought of shifting to a more comfortable one vanish, when Cas puts his other hand in his hair. He doesn't move, he just rests it there and Dean allows it, and he ignores, yet again, all the implications of their actions, because this is comfortable, not so much for his body, but for his soul.

Sam comes by eventually, with a beer and a plate full of various meats, courtesy of Bobby's barbecue. He looks for a moment as if he's going to say something but then he just puts the plate down and presses the beer in Dean's free hand and leaves, and there is a soft smile on his lips that Dean has never seen there before, not in answer to something he did at least. And he should be worried, that he's getting so close, that he opens up to possible harm, but he can't find a fiber of his body that is willing to care right now.

"Your brother is very kind." Cas observes as Dean temporarily retrieves his hand to eat.

"Yeah, it certainly seems that way." Dean allows after he has taken his first bite of steak.

"Are you implying it is a way of deceiving?" Cas asks, mildly surprised and Dean chuckles as he reaches for his beer.

"Naah, Sam is okay. My view of him is just a bit tainted, growing up with people tends to be disillusioning. But he's a good kid."

"He looks up to you." Cas declares and he sounds awfully pleased for some reason.

"Yeah, and isn't there a million things wrong with that?" It was meant as a joke, but it comes out with more self deprecating than Dean had intended, and now he just sounds bitter.

"I don't see anything wrong with that." Cas' finger move just slightly in his hair and Dean won't admit that it actually feels good and no he is totally not leaning into the touch. Instead of an answer he turns his attention back to his food, really, there is no answer to that he can give.

What is wrong with that?

Well, except for everything.

Sam is the one who made something out of his life, and if anything Dean should look up to him. There's simply no reason whatsoever why Sam should have any respect left for Dean, except he has, and that makes Dean happier than it has the right to.

He can accept that from Sam, because Sam is his brother and he wears big-brother-is-a-hero-goggles and he is allowed to overlook his flaws, because Sammy is all he has and Sam is what he could never be. Dad had always been proud of Sammy, but he was stubborn and too caught up in his stupid anti-bot campaigns to ever tell him, even when Sam went off to college he was proud, proud that Sam was his own person, could make his own decisions. Not like Dean, who was always only the mirror, copying his Dad in everything, but still failing in living up to his expectations.

So that's what's wrong with that. Sam was the prodigy son, the one that lived up to Daddy and how could he look up to the son who was nothing but a failure?

Daddy always knows best after all.

But Cas is talking again and his words don't make sense but Dean listens anyway, because it's Cas and bots don't lie-

Huh.

Bots don't lie.

It's something Sam told him once, bots are like computers, binary codes, yes and no, but truth is, they are not really like computers, they have a soul -kind of- and they have a conscience and humanity, but the base rule is still the same, computers don't lie. There's no reason to, no concept, it has to be taught first and according to Sam there's nothing hinting at that in Cas' core program.

So bots can't really be like humans.

Okay, that came as a surprise to exactly no one.

"You have every reason to be proud of what you are." Cas finishes and his voice is so sincere and bots don't lie.

Maybe it really is this easy.

Or maybe he is just misguided.

It is as if Cas has heard his thoughts, his hand tightens in Dean's hair and then it disappears and for a short moment Dean feels like the floor has disappeared from under him and he is falling, falling an there is no one to catch him-

But then Cas' hand is on his face, fingers pushing at his jar until he looks up and there it is, truth, faith, sincerity, nameless sentiments, it doesn't matter.

Bots don't lie.

Cas doesn't lie.

He's lost in the endless blue of Cas' eyes, all the emotions swirling behind the irises and really Cas has made a big step from the emotional crippled bot he was when they met, to _this_. Dean couldn't look away, even if he wanted to, Cas' words from earlier still ringing in his ears.

_You are not worthless. You are smart and kind, you helped me, despite your initial reservations. You never discriminated me, you taught me, you were patient, you gave me everything I could ever ask for. You are the one I look to for guidance if I don't understand things and you are always there to help me, explain things. I trust you._

_Your brother has every reason to look up to you, he told me what you did for him, you helped him through college, you sacrificed so much for him, how could you ever believe he wouldn't have the utmost respect for you? _

_You have every reason to be proud of what you are._

From everyone else, Sam included, this would have been too much, too cheesy, too much of a chick flick moment, but this is Cas, emotional stinted Cas, who had to learn everything anew, who is still struggling with the simplest things, nothing that Cas says could ever put him off.

Because it is Cas.

The voice in his head sounds suspiciously like Sam.

"Don't ever lower yourself like that again." And there's fierceness there, when did Cas learn to be so fierce? And it's scary, because Cas understands, even without being told, how deeply Dean's self-loathing reaches, he's seen it and it is there in his eyes but he still doesn't look away.

"I care about you, and I don't wish to see any more self deprecating."

_I care about you._

It sounds like a command and Cas has no right to order him around, except he does and that really shouldn't sound so hot to his ears.

It shouldn't please him that much.

It makes him happy.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **Hey folks. I just wanted to let you know how amazing you are. Thank you for reading this story, and here's an extra long chapter for you. (You can expect more of those later on, yay) Anyway, don't forget to leave a comment and tell me what you think ;)

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Dean feels like he's walking on clouds for a few days after that. Okay maybe not clouds, because walking on clouds would be fucking scary, because there's miles of empty space underneath you and also clouds are made of water and Dean really doesn't want to end up as a pancake somewhere in Russia. (Because that's where he most likely will land, chance of likelihood and so on.

But in lack of a better analogy, this one will have to do.

Life is good, Cas is fully functioning again and he kind of made it his life's goal to follow Dean around as much as possible, watching him tinker with cars, observing with interest when he cooks, sitting next to him on the couch and really, he even tried to follow him into the bathroom once. Not that Dean minds.

Okay that came out totally wrong.

Dean doesn't mind the company, but he certainly minds the intrusion on his bathroom privacy. Even if it's Cas. Especially when it's Cas. He has seen so much of Dean's messed up psyche he doesn't need to see the finer working of his body functions too –and that was actually planned as a deterrence but now Dean's mind has gone into a certain other place and there sure are a few nice things they could be up to in that bathroom. Peeing not included.

It has been like this for quite a while now. Dean is used to have inappropriate thoughts, heck he usually acts on them, if possible, but Cas is different. Because he _likes_ Cas and Cas told him he cared about Dean and that hits almost too close to what he had with Cassie (that name, _that_ _name_) but even that thought can't seem to keep him away.

Dean likes Cas, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Acceptance like that comes from talking with Jo too much. She has way with making things seem simple. And Charlie has inadvertently done her part too, by bringing up Cas in conversation, by inviting him to have lunch with them, and generally not giving a crap about conventions.

He could have quit his job after he made the money for the charger, but there's still that hole that Cas' suit tore into his wallet and Ellen offered him work behind the bar as a bartender ("the clients like your face" that must have outranked his lack of service attitude) so he decided to keep it. It's more stressful than his job at the garage, a lot of drunk people shouting for beer kind of has that effect, but Dean likes it.

It's the Saturday after the day of Cas' charging adventure and Dean prepares for his shift at the Roadhouse when Cas knocks on the door of his room. That one actually took a while, Cas developed the nasty habit of just popping in at random times and it took a lengthy conversation about privacy and personal space until Cas finally agreed on knocking.

He looked almost disappointed when he did.

Maybe he liked the view of Dean's exposed butt in the air when he entered that one time while Dean was in the middle of changing and had just bent down to pick up his shirt. Dean could have sworn he heard Cas' breathing hitch. That might have been the reason why he was extra slow in putting on his shirt, watching the whole time as Cas' eyes were glued to his chest. Then Cas had asked about the tattoo and Dean had told the story of how he and Sammy got inked and somehow they ended up watching Episode IV of Star Wars (don't judge, you should always start with the original trilogy and forget about that Disney crap) in Dean's room, sprawled out on the bed and if Dean missed half of the movie, that totally wasn't because Cas was so damn close, brushing against him from time to time or because their hands touched while grabbing popcorn at the same time.

He had jerked off that night in the shower and this time he wasn't even ashamed that the hand on his dick belonged to Cas' in his mind.

"May I accompany you?" The question catches Dean off guard, at least he's fully dressed this time.

"What?" Very smooth Winchester.

"I'd like to see where you work. Sam told me this 'Roadhouse' is a very nice place and that I should ask you. He and Jess are planning on going later tonight. I think Bobby wants to have the house to himself, Jody is coming over."

Okay, how can he say no to _that_?

"Sure, but I'll be working so I can't be of much company."

"That is alright, I enjoy watching you work."

That should probably creep him out more than it does, but he can't help feeling secretly pleased that Cas likes to watch him.

Ash is asleep on the pool table (again) when they come into the building, Jo is busy behind the bar and judging by the sounds, Ellen is somewhere in the backroom.

"Dean you're early." Jo greets, slinging a dirty towel over her shoulder as she steps from behind the bar.

"Yeah, I wanted to show Cas around before we open. Cas, this is Jo. Jo meet Cas. Hope you don't mind?"

"No no, it's fine. Hey Cas." Jo salutes and grins as she walks over to where Ash lies sprawled out, but not before winking suggestively at Dean. "Ash will like this."

Cas eyes with growing confusion as Jo first sticks her finger in her mouth and then into Ash's ear. The response is instant.

"Morning Ash." Jo cackles as Ash almost rolls off the pool table in his haste to get away.

"Damn it Jo, that is the third time this week."

"That's something to think about Ash, don't you think?"

Dean clasps his hand into Ash's outstretched one and they share a manly handshake. He's not too thrilled about touching Ash, god knows what had been on that table, but Ash has helped him out a few times and that entitles him to a handshake.

"Is this a common human greeting?" Cas breaks in to ask and it is pretty obvious that he's not talking about the handshake.

"Naah, that's just Jo being nasty." Ash dives down to look under the pool table, Cas watching curiously as he comes up again with a half full bottle of beer. He offers Dean the bottle but he really has no interest in sharing _that_ so he politely declines. Thankfully Ash doesn't offer the bottle to Cas.

"Please don't pick it up. And who are you?"

"I am Castiel."

Ash's eyes light up and yep, that is Dean's cue to go and clean up the last bit of mess left from yesterday before the first customers show up.

"Cas, Ash here is going to check your system, he's a pro and might find out what is wrong with your memory core or whatever. I'll be here the whole time." Dean indicates the bar and Cas nods after an apprehensive glance.

"Don't worry, Ash is a genius." Jo pats his shoulder before she moves away to arrange the chairs around their respective tables.

Ash leads Cas away into the backroom and Dean has to stifle a laughter as he hears Ellen shouting about some chores Ash apparently was too busy with passing out to do, immediately followed by a friendly greeting and a little terrified sounding Cas.

"So that's him?" Jo asks once there's silence again. "He's cute."

"Hands off, Harvelle." Dean replies almost reflexively, and now, if that isn't something to think about. He's developed a certain possessiveness over the bot and why didn't he get the memo about that?

"Don't worry. I don't stand a chance, not with the way he looks at you."

Now what the hell is that supposed to mean?

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Come on, have you actually seen how he looks at you? It's like you are his guiding star or something. I bet he would follow you off a cliff."

"He's not a lemming."

"I didn't say he was, I said he would follow you if you were."

"You're imagining things."

"Certainly not."

Ellen comes in and interrupts their friendly bickering, ordering Dean to carry in a few boxes from the backroom, and they finish the rest of the work in relative silence.

Eventually it's time for the bar to open and the first guests fill in. Dean was nervous at first, that bar keeping would entail making fancy cocktails, but all he has to do is fill up beers and the occasional hard liquor. Oh and hand out peanuts, don't forget the peanuts.

Dean prefers pretzels.

Ash and Cas come back a little later, Ash just shrugs in a way of explanation that he has no idea what's wrong, and from then on Cas sits patiently at the bar and watches as Dean works. And okay, that really _is_ creepy, but he doesn't really have an alternative occupation for Cas, and somehow he really doesn't like the idea of Cas mingling with others. It doesn't really help the creepy factor that Cas is totally out of place with his getup, but then again Dean has grown fond of the outfit, backwards tie and all, so he fails to see the problem. He uses the spare time between orders to explain to Cas what he does, how the beer hose works and what the best way to serve whiskey is (double, no ice).

That leads to Cas wanting to try whiskey and since the beer so far hasn't been a problem, Dean figures that a shot of whiskey should be fine too. He forgets too often that Cas is a bot and not equipped to digest the amount of food and/or drink that Dean can consume on a good day. Basically he just likes to forget Cas is not human, makes the whole 'I might have a crush on him' business much more acceptable.

"Whiskey is an acquired taste." Dean informs Cas as he pulls out two tumblers. He fills one with coke, because going for neat at once would probably just scare Cas off forever, and then adds whiskey to both. No doubles, because he's working and Cas is a beginner. "The important thing is not to just drink all at once, you can do that when you're depressed or something." And it is unnecessary to mention that Dean has been there many times of his life, he really takes after his father, in all the bad things at least.

"Usually you smell the whiskey before and while drinking, that enhances the taste, but for you that would be overwhelming." And Dean, frankly, doesn't have the patience for that. He knows these things only because he googled them as preparation for the job, that was also how he learned that ice actually takes away from the taste.

The more you know.

Dean tosses back his drink (no patience) and closes his eyes for a moment. He didn't go for Ellen's most expensive stuff, but it's still good. Cas is more careful with his drink, taking a small sip at first, testing the taste on his tongue before he gives an approving nod.

"Coffee is better." He decides after he has finished.

"If you say so."

Sam and Jess show up not much later and then Dean has his hands full because a new group of customers has arrived, all demanding beer and he's glad he can leave Cas in Sam's capable hands. They disappear into the crowd for a while and Dean is alone behind the bar, until Ellen decides he needs a break and shoos him off.

He finds the others at a table with Jo and Ash and they have a whole arsenal of shots lined up and Dean comes just at the right time to see Cas finish the last one of his.

"I think I'm starting to feel something." He observes and Jo actually bursts into laughter, doubling over and holding her stomach.

"Did you just quote the Lord of the Rings?" Ash asks and judging by the slur in his voice, they have been at it for a while now. Dean slumps down next to Cas and gratefully takes the beer that Sam offers him.

"I'm not aware of any Lord who might have said that." Cas tilts his head, squinting in his telltale universal gesture of confusion. "I didn't want to be rude."

"He meant a movie quote." Sam explains, and Dean is relieved to see that at least his brother seems to be comparable sober. Jess catches his glance and shrugs her shoulders apologetically. Okay so he has drank something; he should probably be worried about his brother's capability to hold his liquor. But he's the last one who should say something; he is the poster boy for drowning problems in alcohol after all, after his father died that is.

"Ah like Star Wars." Cas' face lights up and it should be forbidden how cute he looks when he's genuinely pleased with himself. "These are not the Droids you are looking for."

"Luke, I am your father." Ash gives a pretty good impression of the Darth Vader voice and the whole table erupts into laughter, Dean included, that is until he sees the frown on Cas' face.

Damn.

"I wasn't aware that Luke Skywalker was the offspring of Darth Vader." Cas says and the laughter fades into an awkward silence.

"Well, we only watched the first movie." Dean explains weakly, ignoring the incredulous look Sam gives him, clearly reading the annoyance that he was forced to watch all three in a marathon and Cas gets off easy.

"Sorry about that." Ash shrugs and empties his last shot glass. "I kind of figured everyone knew that by now."

"It's okay." Cas assures, "Dean already accidentally revealed that Luke and Leia were siblings."

"Don't worry. The movies are still worth it." Jo starts to clear of the empty glasses from the table, earning a grateful smile from Cas.

"Dean insisted they were classics."

"They totally are. But I suppose Dean will show you a lot of his classics, so if you want a way out better say so now, while there's still a chance for you." Sam jokes from his safe place behind Jess, earning another round of laughter.

"I'm quite content with sharing Dean's favorite things." Cas assures, and Dean is only partially thrown off by his odd choice of wording. The sentiment makes him far too happy to care much about that though.

"So Jess, what exactly are you doing?" Jo asks and leans over. "Dean told me you're a doctor?"

"I am, I even got my own practice." She smiles, and Dan likes that she isn't too bashful about her early success in life. Jess is a girl that doesn't need modesty.

"Wow." Ash's eyes almost bulge out of his head and for some reason that is so ridiculous that Dean starts laughing and soon the whole table is laughing, minus Cas who just looks around rather confused.

"Yeah, but I have to admit I didn't finance it on my own. I'm more or less still employed by the university and in exchange for the facilities I have to take med students and show them the ropes."

"I bet they're all snotty brats." Jo rests her chin on the table and as a result her voice sounds a bit muffled, and Dean starts laughing again but this time it earns him an elbow in the ribs from Sam.

"Well some actually are, but by the time they come to me, they're mostly cured. If not, I'll make sure that they don't want to be doctors anymore." She gives an evil smirk and Ash almost falls from his chair as he stares at her with his mouth hanging wide open. "Nah, they're fine mostly. And cheap labor."

"You go get 'em girl." Ash drawls, before promptly passing out on the table.

The evening continues in the same manner, alcohol, friendly banter and lots of laughter. Ellen allows Dean to take the rest of the evening off, only Jo has to up and leave from time to time whenever her mother needs help. It's truly a wonderful night, and Dean feels wholly warm and satisfied when they finally decide to leave.

Dean has only drunk his one whiskey and about half a beer and Jess is designated driver for Sam, so they split up in their two cars once they have properly said goodbye to the Roadhouse crew. Sam will stay over at Jess' and Dean is too content to bother with making brotherly fun of him. He's sure Sam appreciates it. Cas still doesn't give any signs that the alcohol has affected him much, but there's no way he's letting anyone behind the Impala's wheel that hasn't passed his personal driving tests, so whiskey or not, Dean is driving.

It's on the way back to Bobby's, that Cas first notes something amiss.

"Dean, I feel funny."

Dean chances a glance over to where Cas sits in the passenger seat, he has a confused look on his face (as if that were something new), but this time there's a hint of concern too.

"That's normal, you're drunk." It's kind of reassuring to know that Cas is not completely immune to alcohol, Dean himself has quite the tolerance (nothing to be proud of) but even he would definitely notice the effect, if he had drunken as much as Cas has. He would envy him, but his main reason for drinking alcohol is the blissful ignorance that follows (that shouldn't be a good thing) so immunity would kind of spoil it. And that in itself is a thoroughly messed up thought process.

Cas is silent for a while, but whatever it is that bugs him, it doesn't go away.

"I don't think this is an alcohol induced high."

"You sure? I mean you were throwing them back pretty heavily back there."

"I know how alcohol intoxication is supposed to feel like. I researched it. This is different."

"Okay. Different, how?"

"There's a tingling in my limbs, like a pressure in my blood vessels. It's… peculiar."

"Okay, is it a good feeling?"

"I don't know. I-" But Cas' voice cuts off and Dean almost swerves into the opposite lane as Cas doubles over and makes a pained noise in the back of his throat.

"Are you alright?" Dean curses under his breath, he can't check on Cas as long as he's driving, but there are no free parking spaces on the road they're currently on so he just slams on the breaks and hopes that no one will come from behind them.

"Cas, what's wrong?"

"It hurts." Cas groans, fingers digging into his arms as he tries to breathe through the pain. "Like ants crawling under my skin."

Dean has to catch Cas' hands to keep him from scratching, from ripping off the skin from his arms as he tries to fight the itch that is crawling under his skin.

"Calm down, Cas. Cas! Look at me." Cas forces a deep breath and looks up, eyes wide with panic but he focuses on Dean and stops scratching in favor of digging his fingers into the palm of Dean's hand. "Just breathe. I'm going to call Sammy, he will know what is wrong. Just stay strong, okay?"

It's unreal how much panic he feels, he hasn't felt this much panic since that one time Sam ran away and they didn't find him for a week. And that doesn't even add the fear he had felt the moment he had finally found the courage to tell his Dad that he had lost Sammy. But this is Cas, and Cas is important, but he doesn't know what's wrong and Cas' grip is so tight he's sure it will break his hand but that's okay as long as he doesn't rip off his skin.

Humanity is surely overrated when it comes with all that pain.

Sam answers after the third ring, sounding tired and a bit annoyed, and how come they're already at home yet?.

"There's something wrong with Cas, I don't know what, he's in pain." The words come out rushed and he can't hide the panic. Dean doesn't like this feeling of helplessness, he needs something he can get his hands on and do something, this is too much for him.

"What happened?"

"I don't know, he said his skin was itching and now he can't stop scratching."

"Did he do someth-" But Sam is cut off and then there is Jess, and thank god for Jess.

"Dean it's the alcohol. He drank too much, his system can't handle it. I should have thought of that earlier, I completely forgot, I'm so sorry."

"Jess." Dean cuts in to her apologies, there's no time for that.

"Right, sorry. You need to get his electrolyte changed as soon as possible, if you wait too long it could seriously harm him. I have an exchange station for bots at my practice, we'll meet you there."

Jess quickly describes the way to her practice and then Dean slams his foot down on the gas, Cas' hands still grabbing on to his. It's almost impossible to drive like this, but he'd rather Cas abuses his hand as needle cushion than that he claws at his own skin. He steers with his knees whenever he needs to change gear and he skids past a potential accident more than one time, but Cas is breathing steadily, although it sounds labored and that is all that Dean needs to keep going. And all the while Dean keeps up a steady string of assurances, telling Cas that it will be okay, that he's here and that he won't leave, but above all that he's sorry.

He should have known, shouldn't have given Cas his firs whiskey, shouldn't have encouraged him to go with his brother to drink, because Cas is his responsibility and he should have known. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if anything happens to Cas.

He's angry too, angry at Jess for forgetting, angry at his brother and Jo and Ash for getting him into their stupid game in the first place. But he forces that feeling down, it's unfair and he can't be angry right now, Cas needs him.

"Dean." Cas' voice is strained but he looks at Dean and it breaks his heart to see pain etched into Cas' usually so serene face. "It is not your fault. I shouldn't have ignored the warning signs."

Dean forces a calming breath. Tries to focus. He almost skimmed another car, it wouldn't do them any good if he crashes them now.

"Warning signs?" Good, focus.

"Yes, I mistook them for signs of inebriation, but clearly my system was trying to warn me. I should have been aware of that but since my memory core got damaged I have lost a lot of data." Cas still sounds strained but the pressure of his nails in Dean's hand has eased and he doesn't look as pained anymore.

"You feeling better?"

"My body is handling it, but I should get an electrolyte exchange anyway. Jess is right, there could be potential harm to my body."

The building with Jess' clinic comes up, Jess' blue Ford already waiting outside and there is light behind the ground floor windows. Dean pulls in next to Jess' car but Cas' hand still gripping into his holds him back before he can get out.

"Dean." There's a heavy frown on Cas' face, caused by pain and not extensive thinking, but he's focusing his eyes on Dean. "Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault." Dean wants to look away, the guilt is still there but Cas doesn't let him go until he lets it go and nods. Cas smiles at him, strained but it still sends warmth into Dean's stomach.

Cas has difficulties walking and so Dean has to help him inside. They follow the light into one of the treatment rooms, where Sam and Jess are already waiting. There's a chair and next to it is a small machine, a little like the charger only with a lot more tubes and less cables.

"Let me check on him first." Jess hurries over and helps Dean to drop Cas on the chair. She takes out a stethoscope but instead of going for the chest she presses the end against Cas' arm. She frowns and pulls back, shaking her head.

"I can't hear anything with all your clothes in the way, could you take of the trench coat please?" She asks and Cas nods, but he seems out of it and worry starts to nag at Dean's gut again. It takes Sam and Dean combined to peel Cas out of his coat and Jess pushes up his jacket sleeve for good measurement.

"What are you listening for?" Sam asks, catching on to Dean's nervousness and providing a distraction, like the good little brother he is. Apparently the severity of the situation has done good deal to sober him up.

"There's a distinct hum when the electrolyte is working as it should, you can usually determine when a change is necessary when the humming gets irregular." She listens again and then there's a crease of worry Dean doesn't like at all.

"We should hurry, the compressor is failing."

Dean's stomach clenches and he thinks he's going to be sick. Cas looks pale and Dean is sure he would be sweating by now if he could.

Jess pulls on gloves and then she sends Sam off to get her a few things. She's sitting on one of those stools with roles that doctors seem to favor, rolling through the room to get various things.

"This is unfortunately a rather messy procedure, I will need your help Dean. Thankfully we don't have to work sterile." She beckons him over and pushes a package with 'nitril gloves' in his hands. "You need to hold his leg while I make the incision. I don't own an anesthetic that would work on bots so we will have to do without. But I have painkillers for later."

But Dean is no longer listening, because _incision?_ He meets Cas' eyes and they're as wide as his. "You want to _cut_ him _open?_"

"Have to. There's no other way to get the electrolyte out. It would take to long if we laid an infusion." Sam returns, carrying a bucket, a towel and four blood bags and then there's Cas' hand on his arm and he looks into pleading blue eyes and there's no time, because _the compressor is failing_, and Dean is on his knees, grasping Cas' hand and he's not ready, but it doesn't matter because Cas needs this or else he-

He can't even bring himself to finish that thought.

He remembers Cas' voice, as clear as a day, 'my body is handling it', but it obviously isn't and Dean has to force his own breath to calm or else he'll just jump out of his skin. Cas needs, him, he has to stay calm.

Jess takes one of the blood bags, only it isn't blood, it is electrolyte, dyed red so that it would be more humanlike and that should make him sick but right now all he cares about is that it will save Cas, really, the color is not important.

She hooks the bag to the machine, into a special slot at the side of it and Dean is confused because aren't infusions supposed to hang as high as possible so that gravity can do all the work?

"Cas, you need to take off your pants, or else I have to cut it open. And your jacket too." Jess says gently and again they need both Sam and Dean to help Cas stand for long enough so that Jess can take off his shoes and pull off the pair of pants. Dean tries pointedly not to look as Cas sits down again, legs spread slightly apart and he still can't believe that they even bothered with all that body hair.

But his attention is caught by Jess again as she puts the towel on the ground under Cas' left leg and motions for Dean to hold on to it. "You need to hold his leg in place, I don't want to do any additional damage when he accidentally twitches or something." Dean puts one hand on Cas' thigh the other to his calf and grips as hard as he dares without hurting Cas.

She leans over and searches along the inside of Cas' thigh until she finds the vein (or whatever it is the electrolyte vessels are called). "This will hurt, a lot." She says, looking at Cas. "Do you want to bite on anything?" Cas shakes his head, but his fingers are on Dean's hand again and he would like to squeeze back but he can't because he still has to hold Cas' leg in place.

"Sam I need you to get the tubes ready, pull on gloves first. We don't need sterile but we don't want any dirt in." She stretches a portion of skin between index finger and thumb and then she carefully positions the scalpel Dean didn't realize she held. He wants to look away, but he can't, he's strangely transfixed by the first drop of red liquid that blossoms on the pale skin, but then Cas' grip tightens and there is a pained moan and his focus snaps to Cas' face. His eyes are closed, brows furrowed and he breathes harshly through his nose.

"It's okay Cas." Dean whispers and he doesn't look as Sam gives Jess the first tube and she pushes the beaked end in to the cut she just made, he just sees the pain increase on Cas' face and he just wants pull him into his arms until it all goes away. But he can't, so he doesn't move when Jess puts on medical tape to keep the tube in place, but he does move when she directs his hands to Cas' arm, pulling up the sleeve of his shirt and showing him the spots where to hold on to. Cas' fingers move to his wrist but he doesn't let go and Dean presses his whole body against Cas' uninjured leg to give as much support as he can.

"This one will hurt worse." Jess explains as she flips a few switches on the machine, awaking it to life with a soft hum. "We need vacuum to suck the electrolyte into your body, it can handle the pressure but it will hurt. I can give you the painkillers now if you want."

At first Dean thinks Cas is going to decline but then he nods and Jess makes a hand gesture, sending Sam off to retrieve them from her medicine cabinet. She takes the tube currently connected to Cas' leg and connects it to the machine and dumps the end of another tube, coming out of the machine, into the bucket. Red liquid is already seeping out, but it's slow and hasn't even traveled through half of the tube.

Sam returns with pills and a glass of water and Cas swallows two before Jess continues. She cuts into the vein on Cas' arm, another precise incision and she wedges the next tube into Cas and this time the grip on his wrist is almost bone crushing. The tube is already connected to the machine and Jess just flips another switch and the hum turns into a rattling and Cas lets out a choked sound.

There's no need to hold his arm in place anymore so Dean rips off his gloves and grabs Cas' hand and squeezes, ignoring the sharp pain as Cas grinds on his bones, panting hard as the vacuum pushes the electrolyte through his body. Dean can hear the fluid flow into the bucket and the sole sound of it makes him sick and he has to press his face into the side of Cas' uninjured leg as not to throw up. Cas' other hand moves into his hair, caught between petting and pulling, his movements erratic and Dean brings his other hand up to gently caress Cas' leg, to show him that it's alright.

The machine beeps and almost startles Dean out of his skin. Jess shuffles over and does something that turns the rattling sound back into a hum and the sickening sound of the fluid burbling into the bucket stops. It's not so much the sound that sets Dean off, it is the knowledge that it's so much like blood, essentially Cas' life that gets drained out of his body.

Cas has relaxed and Dean looks up to see him leaning back in the chair, face still pale but eyes closed as he levels his breathing. Dean offhandedly wonders how bots can even be pale, but he figures that the electrolyte has the same function in keeping a rosy color to Cas' cheeks than human blood has. His skin is synthesized human skin after all.

Jess has unhooked the empty electrolyte bag and tosses it on the ground before she takes the next one. This time Dean is prepared for the bone crushing grip when Jess turns on the machine. The sickening splatter starts again and Dean turns away from the bucket, leaning his neck against Cas' leg so that he can watch his face.

He doesn't like the look of pain on Cas' face, and he finds himself with the strange urge to kiss it away again. Cas' lips are pink, something Dean noticed before and they look kissable, and that is really some messed up shit right there, because Dean never thought he would use that term, let alone while the other party is currently in deep pain. Still, the urge to kiss the pain away lingers, not so much fueled by thoughts of rough stubble on his jaw but by the wish to make it easier, in any form, for Cas.

But eventually the painkillers seem to kick in, Cas relaxes slightly, and by the time the fourth bag is hooked in, he looks almost calm. Jess started to explain the finer mechanics sometime during bag number three, but Dean is only half listening. It is late after all and he had a busy day, his mind drifts off as he watches the pained creases on Cas' face disappear one after another.

Sam is slumped against the counter, eyes closed and seemingly asleep on his feet. The machine beeps again, the fourth and final time, and Jess gets up with an exhausted sigh. She turns it off and unhooks the blood bag and Dean is wide awake again because she has to pull out the tubes and that will be painful.

"I'm not sure if I got all the alcohol out, there's bound to be some residue, but your body should be able to deal with that on its own." Jess informs Cas before she removes the tape and presses a wet wad of tissue on the tube end in his arm and carefully pulls it out. Cas winces but doesn't tighten his grip and Dean is grateful because he isn't sure if he can stand anymore hand crushing.

Jess quickly bandages Cas' arm before she repeats the procedure on his leg. She then pulls out her stethoscope again and checks Cas' arm. "Everything seems to be fine." She lets out a relieved sigh and starts cleaning up the mess. Dean chances a glance in the bucket before Jess removes it but now it's just a bucket full of blood-like liquid, no longer harmful to Cas. Although he imagines a bit of a green hue to it, but maybe that's just him.

Cas hasn't moved and Sam is still half-asleep but Dean knows they can't stay here forever so he gets up and unwinds his fingers from Cas'. Maybe he imagines it, but Cas seems reluctant to let him go.

"The medication was pretty strong."Jess explains while Dean has to help a wobbly Cas into his pants, he's too exhausted to feel much but he can't deny the flutter of heat that surges through his body when he has to bend down to help Cas' feet into a pant leg and his face gets dangerously close to a certain area. This has something undeniable intimate about it and when there's a soft touch to his hair he only halfheartedly believes that he imagined that.

"He will be out of it for a few hours I suppose, but tomorrow he should be fine again. The healing shouldn't take too long either. Anyway, I'll drop by tomorrow to check on him and show you how to change the bandage I'll give you a gel that assists the healing process."

Jess gives him the supplies, the gel, the package of painkillers (maximum two per day), additional bandages and tape and then she is gently shaking Sam awake. She looks tired, dark circles under her eyes and all the way to the front door she keeps fidgeting.

Dean realizes why after she has locked the door. "I'm sorry about that Castiel." She makes a hand gesture, indicating this body as she steps closer into his field of vision. Cas leans heavily on Dean's shoulder, whatever she gave him must have been at least rhino proved. "I should have thought about alcohol poisoning earlier, I really am sorry."

"It's okay." Cas rasps, a weak smile on his lips. "It's not your fault, I should have looked out for myself more. But I was just so happy to be accepted in your midst so really Jessica, I should thank you for including me."

The smile on Jess' lips is unsure, almost disbelieving and Dean is sure he looks similar. He can't believe that he really just heard that. And it is painful, in a whole new way, that Cas might have been thinking that he was excluded, that he didn'tbelong to them and it fills Dean with anger that he might ever had reason to believe just that. He wants to pull Cas into a hug, press him close until every doubt that he's not one of them disappears but he doesn't move because even now he can't help but think, that it would be presumptuous.

But Jess has already overcome her surprise and her smile turns big and genuine and she rubs her hand over Cas' shoulder once, a comforting easy gesture that Dean suddenly envies her for. "Of course, Cas. Anytime."

It's in the car when Cas quietly muses: "This is what you meant when you said personal touches are okay under certain circumstances, isn't it?"

And Dean isn't sure if he meant Jess' shoulder rub or how they almost cuddled.

Either way, the answer is the same.

"Yes."


	12. Chapter 12

Cas is still exhausted when they reach Bobby's house, both from the ordeal and the pain medication. Dean has to help him get out of the car and up into the house but before he can dump him on the couch he is stopped by Cas' hand on his arms.

"Dean, please… I need to…" Cas seems to have a hard time focusing on anything, his speech is slightly slurred and he breaks off every few words. With all the 'blood' he has seen today Dean would have almost sworn he was human.

"I got you Cas. What do you need?"

The house is dark and silent, Bobby must have been asleep already and Dean tries to be as quiet as possible but it's not that easy when he has to pull the weight of another in addition.

"I need-" Cas cuts off again and Dean has to crane his head to actually see that he's blushing. It starts do dawn on Dean what it is that Cas needs.

Cas looks down, wobbling slightly on his feet as he tries to steady himself. "Bathroom." He says quietly, eyes glued to the floor and it is definitely too late for all this or else Dean wouldn't think that this is one of the most adorable things he's ever seen. No one should be allowed to look this adorable when they're embarrassed.

"Okay, I'll take you." Dean shifts Cas into a more comfortable position before he supports him all the way over to the bathroom. Cas slumps down on the toilet lid and Dean is left with a peculiar situation. It looks like Cas could need some help, he's shaking, even while sitting and Dean highly doubts that he has the experience to perform without any accident. As a bot he isn't required to use the toilet very often and Dean really can't see the point in making them do it at all, it's one of the things he'd gladly give up.

But he supposes it's a necessity.

"Do you need… uhm… help?" It's awkward, really awkward and it doesn't really help that he actually _wants_ to see Cas naked, but not like this. He's grown up in close quarters with Sam, he had enough of limited privacy, he really doesn't want to see another guy doing his business. That even outweighs the pro of seeing Cas' penis.

It's really far too late for this shit. He's starting having really weird thoughts.

But thankfully Cas declines and Dean only hesitates so much before he leaves him to his own devices. And since it's awkward and kind of creepy to wait outside while another man takes a piss he walks over into the living room. Cas looked exhausted and he isn't sure if bots can sleep like humans do, but he definitely needs rest, more than his usual motionless sitting. He has the blankets out before he even realizes what he's doing but there's no reason to stop now, so he takes out the pillows too and fluffs them, just like he would have for Sammy, had he been sick.

The bathroom door opens and Cas staggers out, gripping on to the doorframe. Dean has pulled off the trench coat when they entered, no need to wear that the whole time, but his jacket hangs off one shoulder and his hair looks even messier than ever, and he really shouldn't think that it is attractive, but then he doesn't because Cas is still pale and he's high on pain meds, he's a lot of things right now, and material for Dean's private spank bank is on the bottom of that list.

Dean hurries over before Cas can collapse, and really, what was in those pills? He helps him over to the couch and gently lays him down, pulling the blanket up to Cas' chin and tucking him in. He's worried about the paleness, the electrolyte should circulate normally again and there's no reason for him to still be so pale and maybe that's just a side effect of the painkillers.

"Do you need anything?" He asks, unsure how to proceed now. Cas doesn't need sleep, he could put his system in standby but Jess said that he should stay at full function so that his body has the needed capacities to cleanse out the rest of the alcohol and repair the damage done.

"I'm fine Dean." Cas assures and tries a smile but it's tired and worn out, and that look really doesn't fit with Cas but there is nothing Dean can do.

"Okay, I'll put the pills on the coffee table, if the pain comes back you can take one, but just one, we don't want you to be woozy all the time. I'll check on you tomorrow, until then don't move too much." Dean puts the remote next to the package of painkillers, in easy reach for Cas and then it's awkward again, because Cas stares at him and Dean has the sudden urge to pull away the blankets and push Cas down into the cushions.

It worries him, but only because he shouldn't think like that about someone who's sick and needs rest, it doesn't worry him however, that he has these thoughts about Cas. No, with that he has come to terms quite a while ago.

"Good night Dean." Cas is still staring but Dean forces himself to look away. He could stand there for hours and be lost in that gaze, but he's tired and his body demands a rest.

"Night Cas." It doesn't matter that Cas doesn't sleep. All that matters is that his eyes stay on Dean the whole way to the door of the living room.

* * *

Morning comes and the first thing Dean does is go downstairs and check on Cas. Sam is still over at Jess' and Bobby sits in the kitchen with (surprise) Jody and Dean rather not be in there any time soon. It's not that Bobby doesn't deserve it but Dean doesn't want to see his father figure passing out smooches.

Especially not this early in the morning.

He has only slept a few hours, but Dean has learned early in his life to live on a minimum of four hours sleep. He had to stay up late too often for him to count, just to wait for his father's call and drag him out of whatever bar he deemed to visit, and between that and the order to 'keep an eye on Sammy' there was just not enough time for him to sleep.

He will never forget that one time when he dared to leave the motel room and go play a few games in the near arcade and Sam almost got killed by a sleazy thug who thought he could ease them off their money. (He also remembers the bruises he got from that and those were not from the thug.)

But that doesn't mean he's in the mood for any form of PDA, even if said PDA is restricted to the kitchen and therefore not exactly public.

Cas is up (no surprise) and sitting in the midst of a nest of blankets. There's an empty glass on the table and Dean assumes he refreshed his medication. He lifts his head as soon as Dean enters and he smiles the moment he recognizes him. And since Cas is no longer pale but looks healthy again, Dean doesn't feel guilty for the butterflies that start a party in his stomach.

"How you feeling?" Dean asks and flops down next to him. He's careful not to get too close though, Cas has an unpredictable effect on him and he doesn't want to scare him off by acting too rash.

Huh.

That almost sounds as if he's planning to actually make a move on him. Like at all.

So what if he is?

It's not that Cas has shown any signs of obvious discomfort whenever Dean came close, and it's definitely not that Cas hasn't taken a bit of initiative himself.

But just because Cas didn't show discomfort so far, doesn't mean he won't show it when he realizes that Dean's intentions are more than just friendly.

Dean is an easy flirt, but only when he's aiming for nothing more than a one night stand. They never look too deep if it's just an easy fuck and he's pretty confident in his bed skills. All that crumbles though, as soon as there's the chance of something serious. He was serious with Cassie, and she showed him pretty clearly how little he was worth in her eyes.

He won't be able to handle that same disappointment again, not when it comes from Cas. But still, it doesn't feel right to give up like that. It feels too good to be close to Cas and maybe he can just do that, stay close but not too close so that he can jump at any second. As long as he doesn't admit it to Cas, he can pretend that this is nothing, that he can leave any time and that he is not emotionally attached to him at all.

Dean Winchester has always been good at pretending after all.

"Much better, thank you." Cas smiles and it shouldn't be this hard to keep his hands to himself, but it is, because all Dean wants to do is grab Cas' arms and pull him into a deep kiss. He wants to feel Cas' stubble rub against his jaw, he wants to drag his teeth over Cas' lip, pull at it with his teeth and chase his tongue until he's breathless and Cas' skin is flushed underneath his touch. He wants to know if Cas' breathing will be affected, he wants to know if Cas can also pant with pleasure and not only with pain.

But he does none of that, he just sits there, next to Cas, and watches the images flitting over the muted television, some kind of documentary it seems. And even though he isn't touching, even though he isn't pressing Cas down with the weight of his body, even though his cock stirs in his pants from all the images and even though he won't act on it, he's content.

Because Cas is here with, because Bobby is in the kitchen with Jody and because Sam is probably eating breakfast with Jess right now. Because everything is fine right now.

* * *

Cas' wounds heal rather quickly, Dean still doesn't like to look at the cuts, surrounded by blue and purple bruises, crusted over with dried electrolyte (really, that one's just creepy), but he changes the bandages and applies the gel nevertheless. The wounds close and the bruises fade and thanks to the gel there will only be faint white lines left to mark the spots of the incision, almost invisible against the pale hue of Cas' skin.

At this point Dean is absolutely sure that no one will ever convince him that Cas isn't human. Maybe a bit different, maybe a bit more in some places and a bit less in others, but still human.

It's a lazy afternoon, Bobby has sent him home because he doesn't expect any more clients and it's too hot to get much work done anyway. Cas is in his usually spot on the couch, but he has Sam's laptop propped on his knees and is vigorously typing away. He has returned to helping at the garage but he's lacking the finer understanding of engine mechanics and he tends to drop the tiny screwdrivers they have to use to screw tiny screws (don't even get Dean started) and eventually it was mutually agreed upon that Cas should look for a job better suited to him.

So now Cas is either leafing through the newspaper or looking online for jobs, but since he doesn't have any real working experience and no programmed education, he can't just apply for every job. And with the damage to his memory core and emotional program, he's additionally compromised, seeing that he can't do a job where he would be required to do more than casual interaction. But there are a few out there who might fit his MO, although Dean isn't really sure what Cas' MO actually is.

Dean gets himself a beer from the fridge, noting to himself that a supply run is necessary soon and drops down into Bobby's favorite armchair. He props his legs on the coffee table and leans back with a sigh. He's just showered and he feels refreshed, even more so when he takes the first sip of beer. They also decided to not let Cas anywhere near alcohol again, beer so far was okay, but Dean really doesn't want him to go through anything like the electrolyte exchange again. His hand hurt for days afterwards. (He's totally not thinking of the many times he felt his stomach clench whenever Cas was wincing in pain from his wounds).

"Find anything?"

Cas looks up and smiles at him and Dean wonders if he'll ever get over the way how Cas' entire face lights up when he smiles. He doesn't think he will though, not when it only happens when Cas smiles at him.

"Yes, I think so. I tried to keep the search parameters as wide as possible, but still I've come up with only three possible hits."

"Okay, that's a start. What've you got?"

"A Lady on the other side of town is looking for a cat sitter, but I have the slight suspicion that she's looking for a human child and just forgot to add in the specifics." There's a certain note of sadness and disappointment in his voice and Dean decides against telling Cas that he has a cat hair allergy and wouldn't take too kindly to Cas' returning with cat hair all over his clothes. But still he wants to prompt Cas to try it regardless, because one never knows, she might accept him, and he has the strong wish to make Cas happy.

"A local fast food joint looks for a sales apprentice and a florist searching for an assistant." Cas frowns at the screen and clicks a few times, before he gets the information he wants. "I am not too well versed in current monetary customs, but I assume that the pay in both cases can be considered okay."

Dean raises an eyebrow, not entirely sure what Cas just said but after a short moment of consideration he leans over and turns the laptops screen in his direction. Cas' leg twitches as Dean's hand brushes his knee accidentally and Dean has to keep his eyes from flicking up to his face. But somehow he knows that Cas is staring again and he feels goose bumps rise along his neck. He's close, and there's only the laptop between his hands and Cas' thighs.

He focuses his attention on the screen and he clicks through the various sites Cas has open until he finds the two respective job offers. Cas was right, the pay is okay, in the widest sense of the word, but in this economy there's really not much one can expect. He skims over the descriptions and then, after short contemplation, clicks away the fast food joint. They pay better, but the hours are mad and he really doesn't want Cas to smell like burned fat when he comes home. Besides, the florist is closer and Sam can drop him off when he drives to the university. And there's that tiny smile that played around Cas' lips when he mentioned the florist, he seems to prefer that anyway.

"Take this one." He encourages and sits back up again. "Normally you should apply to every job you can find, to increase your chances you know, but I think it's more important that you like it. And if you don't get it, we'll just wait until something else pops up. I mean, they' re sounding kind of awesome, they have their own flower garden and even make their own honey."

"But I am supposed to contribute my share to the household." Cas looks at him with wide eyes and there's worry written clearly over his face. As if he expects Dean to kick him out if he doesn't pay his fill.

"Don't worry about that. You're not really high on the expenses, so this money is mainly for you. So that you can get things you like, you know like the pinwheel." The pinwheel that now stands lonely guard in the empty flowerbed next to Bobby's front porch. Dean has resolutely kept it away from his baby.

Cas looks at him surprised but then a tentative smile forms on his lips. "Thank you Dean."

"Well, you'll have to contribute a small amount to the household fund but the rest is entirely for you. You should find things you like, something that makes you happy and that occupies you. You're your own person and not just a pretty accessory." Cas still smiles and Dean allows himself to sit next to Cas, all under the disguise of helping him sort through the application formalities. He's going to ignore that he just called Cas pretty to his face. And if Cas' leg presses against his, that's just a coincidence and he certainly doesn't press back.

Sam comes back home by the time they have finished Cas' CV and written a short essay about why Cas is perfect for the job and right for the moment when they finally press send on that e-mail from Cas' newly set up mail-account. Cas is pretty excited, he downright hums on his spot and he refreshes his newly made mail account every five seconds to see if he's gotten an answer.

"It will take a while, they'll have to get it first and then read it and decide if you're fitting and so on." Dean tries to calm him but Cas just keeps hitting F5 and who's he to put a lid on such adorableness.

"What will take a while?" Sam asks, fresh beer in hand and plops down in the abandoned armchair, after almost stumbling over an overzealous Zeppelin who's whirring around on the floor.

"Cas' job application." Dean is almost surprised about the amount of pride in his voice. "He's getting to be a florist." He says with a grin, and he doesn't even bother to react to Sam's confused bitchface, because prior to this moment he would have considered working as a florist as girly, but honestly it's Cas, and wouldn't it be awesome if he talked about flower arrangements in that voice? Basically Cas could talk about anything and it would still sound awesome.

"Good luck with that." Sam nods in Cas' direction but otherwise is fixed on his beer.

"What's up with you?" But then he remembers, and he wanted to talk to Sam about that for quite a while now. "Listen, I've been thinking, couldn't you get an employee from Angelbot to supervise your research? I've heard that they work in close relations with your university and they should be interested in your work." It's not much, but Dean has done his best and he's kind of proud of the result.

Sam 'hm's in response and swishes his beer around, seemingly in deep thought. Dean knew his idea was mediocre at best, but he still expected a bit more excitement.

"That is quite a good idea." Cas says and Dean looks over in surprise, but Cas is in equally deep thoughts than Sam. Still the compliment is nice, even when it comes from an unexpected direction.

"Actually it is." Sam muses after a while and then leans over to grab his laptop. "They have a science department or something, I remember seeing some adds hanging out at campus, they're always looking for new engineers and stuff." He quickly types away on the keyboard, face scrunched as he chews on his tongue. "I'd have to get someone at my university to contact them, because they would want talk with someone in charge but I suppose Sarah can do that."

"Sarah?" Dean asks with a quirked eyebrow.

"Professor Blake." Sam explains and Dean's eyebrows shoot up even higher.

"You're turning into a womanizer at this rate."

Sam just rolls his eyes and keeps typing.

"You should ask for the head of development and research." Cas suddenly says, and both brothers look at him. "He could be interested in your work field. He's a competent man."

"Why'd you have contact with the head of development and research?" Dean asks incredulous.

"He was personally supervising my unit's training and education, he was actually very nice. We used to play chess after my day's program was finished, I never managed to beat him."

"You can play chess?"

"Of course. I am able to play almost every game in human history, though some of my data is corrupted currently. We should play twister some time."

Yes, oh god yes, Dean would like that very much. Every excuse to get his hands on Cas' body.

Okay maybe not.

"Okay, I just wrote a mail to Sarah. What's the guy's name?" Sam looks over to Cas who seems a bit lost in thought. "Cas?" Sam prompts and actually startles Cas.

"Yes, right. Chuck Shurley."

"Cas, you alright?"

"Yes, of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"Dunno. You seem out of it."

"I can assure you, everything is in order." Cas smiles but somehow it seems strained to Dean. He doesn't fail to notice that Cas' eyes occasionally lose all focus and he just stares at nothing for a few seconds before he snaps back into it. He's a bit worried but as long as Cas says it's fine it probably is.

"What happened to Dick anyway?" Dean asks, contemplating to get another beer, but if he's counted correctly Sam has taken the last one so there's no point in getting up.

Sam finishes typing something on his laptop before he looks up to answer Dean's question. "He got fired a week ago. He was pretty sneaky but we managed to find evidence on his embezzlement, turns out he had a few others in with him too."

"So it's about due time that we find a replacement."

Sam shrugs and shuts down the laptop. "They said they'd find some niche for me, but I most likely would have to change my focus. But I'm allowed to bring Cas, although we decided to only use him as a test drive. The data I'd gain from you would be biased, we know each other and stuff." Sam explains with an apologetic shrug.

Dean can't say he likes how Sam talks about Cas, like he's a machine that needs testing but he understands that from Sam's elated science geek point of view that probably is the case. And now he's just mean.

"Anyway, what's for dinner?" Sam empties his beer and puts it next to Dean's empty bottle on the side table.

"I don't know, you'd have to ask the two love birds in the kitchen."

"I think I smell chicken with a citrus sauce, but I can't determine the side dish." Cas informs and Dean's chin is certainly not the only one that hit the ground.

"You can smell that from here?" Dean asks incredulously.

"Well the correct terminology would be that I receive the olfactory signal, but I am supposed to use human words, so yes I can smell that."

"Awesome."

As if on cue, Bobby walks in on them, carrying a plate and a fresh six pack of beer, followed by Jody who carries another plate and enough silverware for all of them. "Food is in the kitchen." Jody says and sits down on the smaller side couch that gets rarely used because of its angle to the television. "Castiel I made you an extra small portion."

Cas' face lights up and he smiles at Jody as he gets up. "Thank you Jody."

Bobby throws one glance at Sam and he hastily gets out of the armchair, following his brother and Cas into the kitchen. The food smells delicious and looks even more so. They can all cook with varying quality, but they rarely bother with the effort and live mostly from takeout and unhealthy fast food. Except for Sam, but neither Dean nor Bobby have any interest in sharing in his diet.

"You should come and cook more often." Dean says after he has taken his first bite of the surprisingly tender chicken. "This is awesome."

"It's an old family recipe." Jody explains and shoots Bobby a glance.

"He's right, it's delicious." Bobby agrees, and Dean swears he sees his ears blush slightly. Jody's smile widens and she really looks happy, and Dean can't help but feel glad that his family finally seems all in order. The only one that's missing is Jess.

He allows himself to relax, and just enjoy the friendly atmosphere, the coveted flirting between Bobby and Jody, Sam's small smile as he watches them and Cas' steady presence next to him. Maybe it's because of that, that he allows himself to lean just slightly against Cas' side, smiling to himself when Cas shifts to make it more comfortable.

Everything is great with the world for Dean Winchester.

* * *

**A/N: **There won't be an update next week, since I'm on vacation in Sweden and it would be kind of rude to be hogging the computer when I'm there with my friends. But we will be back on schedule the Saturday after that. Until then, I would be happy to hear from you, in any form ;) Have a nice day.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:** Okay sweeties, I'm back. Sweden was great and I have a fridge full of salmon, yay. But now on with the chapter. Have fun!

* * *

If there is one thing Dean Winchester is sure of, it is that Ernie and Bert are gay, and to a lesser extent, that nothing good ever happens to him without something bad following closely behind. It's just a basic rule that Dean has established, be happy as long as you can, because shit is going to hit the fan inevitably. And since he's feeling quite content right now, it surely won't take long before his life takes a downwards spiral again.

It would be frustrating but Dean has long come to terms with it. He knows it's just the universe's way to show him that he doesn't deserve it, and the universe is definitely right with that. There's a reason why good things don't happen to Dean Winchester, he has done too many bad things in his time. It's just cosmic karma or some shit, if he believed in that.

But for now everything seems fine, so Dean is not going to complain or go look for trouble, maybe he's even let off the hook this time. He patched up Cas, that has to tip the scale in his favor in some way. Or maybe he is just delusional, and the next tragedy just waits around the corner.

Sam would laugh at him and tell him about self-fulfilling prophecies, and maybe he's even right with that but Dean just can't believe that he doesn't deserve what he gets. There's too much blood on his hands. And even if he could wash that off, there's still the ever-present disappointment in his father's eyes, and he can't get that image out of his head, no matter how often he drowns it in alcohol.

Usually this would be the point in time when Dean would sneak out to some secluded place on Bobby's big scrap yard and empty at least one bottle of Jack in an attempt to drown his demons, and he would have to lie to say he doesn't want to, but he has work to do and he can't let Bobby down for this. It's his personal work rule, no alcohol at work.

It's a Friday and the sun is hiding behind clouds but it's still warm, and it's only a few minutes before Dean's lunch break. He sometimes envies Cas, he can feel temperature of course, but it doesn't affect him. Dean on the other hand sweats through a shirt per workday, and as much appreciation that gets him sometimes from (mostly) female customers, he'd prefer it if it were more temperate.

Because, let's be honest, catcalls are a compliment for no one, so where are the perks to a sweaty body?

Okay, to be ultra honest, there is one perk, and Dean has started to quite exploit that one. And that is the look on Cas' face whenever he sees Dean in his sweaty shirt and one time Dean even went as far as to remove his shirt when he entered the house. And it really shouldn't be this comfortable to be openly stared at by Cas, who can't seem to tear his eyes from Dean's body. Not that Dean can blame him, he knows that he's quite good looking and he was never shy to use that to his advantage. But when Cas is looking at him like that he gets this tingling feeling in his belly, it's like Cas is physically caressing him with his gaze. He might just get a tiny little bit off on that.

Dean finishes the old Audi he was working on and slams down the hood with a satisfied sense of accomplishment. It feels good to have a good old fashioned engine under his hands, one that needs oil and gas, one that makes a decent sound when started. It's dirty work, dirtier than with all those shiny new electronic engines that barely even have dust on them, but he prefers it that way. The work is much more down to earth and he always feels more accomplished than if he just fixes some tiny screws (Stupid tiny screws).

He gets into the car and drives it to the front, where the owner can later collect it and takes the key inside to the desk where Charlie is working. She has decorated the whole place with action figures and her wallpaper is some montage of Harry Potter and Star Wars with laser shooting wands and secretly Dean thinks it's awesome.

"I've finished that Audi." Dean drops the keys on her desks and she gives him a sheet of paper in exchange. He hates this part of his job, but he needs to fill out the form, for some legal reasons he doesn't really care about. Everything's so damn legal these days.

"My break is in ten." Charlie informs him and points towards her bag where she usually stores her packed lunch. "Wanna grab a bite?"

"Sure, I'll just finish this up." Dean waves the sheet and grabs a pen from the table at the wall. Thank goodness it requires mostly marking boxes with x'es and he doesn't have to write down a lot. He throws the pencil down once he's finished and hands the sheet to Charlie who quickly types something into her computer before she sets it on standby. Bobby doesn't require them to clock out, most employees have worked here for years and Bobby only takes people who genuinely like their jobs. Charlie is rather new but she instantly bonded with Dean and that makes her at least somewhat trustworthy in Bobby's book.

Dean has some Sam-made sandwiches and he goes to fetch them from his bag while Charlie collects her own food. They usually go and find some abandoned car and picnic on the hood and have lengthy discussions about the battle tactics in Lord of the Rings and stuff like that. Charlie is kind of awesome and Dean sometimes jokes that she is like the little sister he never wanted.

They leave the building and move to walk around it when a voice calls from behind. "Dean."

Cas looks more misplaced than ever in his tan trench coat on a warm late summer day in the middle of a whole scrap yard of old cars, even more so since he clutches Sam's old laptop (the one he's lent to Cas, since he doesn't need it anymore) in his hands. He's unmistakably excited about something and Dean exchanges a glance with Charlie who just shrugs.

"Hey Cas, what's up?"

"Dean, I got a reply."

"Okay?"

"From the flower shop." He holds the laptop out for Dean to take it but Dean just looks at him confused.

"What did they say?" He asks instead.

"I haven't opened it yet. I want to open it with you." And that leaves Dean speechless for a moment, because he honestly has no idea how he's supposed to react to that.

Charlie laughs and pats him on the shoulder. "I'll leave you two to it. I'll see you later." She grins and winks at Dean before she disappears around the building.

"Dean please?" Cas asks when Dean still hasn't reacted. It's probably the heat but his brain works kind of slow all of a sudden. Cas wants him to look at the reply with him, this is important to Cas, it is important to Cas that Dean looks at it with him.

No really, how is he supposed to stay calm after that?

"Let's go inside." He says after clearing his throat, still ignoring the offered laptop as he walks back in.

They settle in the living room, laptop placed on the side table and after Cas doesn't make any attempt to move Dean leans over and pulls the laptop over. The mailing program is already open and there it is, the unopened e-mail from the owner of the flower shop.

"Ready?" Dean asks and Cas scoots closer to get a better look and maybe even to get into the comfort of Dean's proximity.

"Yes."

Dean opens the mail and both inch closer to read the contents.

**From**: Joshua

**To**: Castiel

**About**: Re: Application

Dear Mr. Castiel,

thank you very much for your interest and your effort. I would appreciate if you would come for an interview into my shop next week. We can arrange the date according to your schedule.

In the attachment you'll find further details. I'll be looking forward to meeting you in person.

Sincerely yours,

Joshua.

"You did it Cas." Dean says after he has finished reading. "The interview is the next step." He clicks on the enclosed file and reads through the instructions. "Sounds easy enough." Cas is still silent next to him and he wonders if maybe, he went into shock.

Dean downloads both the e-mail and the attached file before he clicks on the reply button to Joshua's mail. "Cas, you still with me? We still need to reply?"

Cas blinks a few times, as if waking from a deep trance, his body has slightly sagged against Dean and he rights himself up again. "Yes, of course, apologies."

"What's up with you lately? That's not the first time you lost focus like that."

"I don't… no, I'm fine. It's nothing." Dean has a hard time believing that but he lets it slide anyway. If Cas doesn't want to talk, he doesn't want to talk and Dean is the last person to force someone into a conversation they don't want to have.

"Okay, when do you want to have that interview? I can ask Bobby to give me off a few hours and drive you over if you'd like the moral support."

"That would be appreciated, thank you."

"So how about Wednesday? I'm off early anyway so it wouldn't be a big deal."

Cas nods but there's a look of trepidation on his face. "What am I supposed to answer?" Maybe it's subconsciously, but he leans closer to Dean and it's probably wrong in more than one way, but Dean brushes his leg against Cas' anyway, and he doesn't pull away after that. Cas stiffens slightly but then he relaxes and Dean just throws every doubt he has, every nagging worry over board, because this feels good and he doesn't want to miss that feeling ever again.

"Have you ever used a keyboard?" Dean asks and somehow, even without his doing, his hand lands on Cas' thigh and it feels instantly at home there. Cas is surprisingly warm, even through his pants and since he's done that first step, it doesn't take much to do the next and his thumb starts stroking over Cas' thigh.

"Yes I have. But my data on job applications is corrupted. I am not too sure about the formalities and I'd appreciate your help." Cas' hand drops down to where Dean rests on his thigh and every lingering doubt he might have had vanishes as Cas squeezes his hand softly.

"Of course." Dean smiles and gestures for Cas to take up the laptop. "It's really not that hard, just be polite and you should be fine." It doesn't take long to type the reply, and Cas is visibly proud of himself when he finally hits send. And Dean just wonders how deep the damage really reaches if he forgot how to do these small things, how much it must mean to him that he's able to do them now. And they're still so far away from the solution of this problem.

Charlie comes in a little while later to collect Dean, reprimanding him for forgetting to eat his lunch and Dean only half heartedly attempts to hide his close contact with Cas, because if anyone understands than its Charlie.

And he thinks, that maybe this time, the shoe won't drop.

* * *

The rest of the day passes rather uneventful, until it is time for Dean to get to the Roadhouse. He has a few hours between work at the garage and work behind the bar and he spends them with Cas in front of the television. Charlie has thankfully refrained from making any stupid comment on how they were nearly cuddling and so Dean has no more qualms about getting closer to Cas than necessary.

They still haven't talked, but Dean feels too good right now to bother with trying to label whatever it is they have. He's happy, happier than he has been in a long time and he doesn't want to destroy that by bringing unnecessary feelings into the equation. But even he realizes that he is delusional, that this already is about emotions and that he's simply too chicken to admit that.

But as long as Cas doesn't see the need to address it, Dean decides, he doesn't have to either.

It is harder than it should be to leave Cas, even if it's just for a few hours. It's almost worrying how fast he's grown used to the closeness and how reluctant he is to lose it, even if just for a short amount of time. He's grown addicted to Cas, his presence and his touch and he finds himself repeatedly thinking about the other things he could do to him. But he's still hesitant, he can only guess from Cas' reaction if what he does is alright, and he's afraid to overstep some boundary and lose Cas for good.

And if Cas' abandoned puppy look is anything to go by he is as unwilling to let him leave as Dean is to go. He should be worried about this growing attachment but he can't find the will to care.

The Roadhouse is already packed halfway with people when Dean finally arrives. He had changed into his work clothes at home so he goes quickly over to the bar where Ellen is busy serving drinks. Ash is nowhere to be seen and Jo hops around between the tables serving out food and snacks.

"You're late." Ellen admonishes but she has a fond smile on her lips as she puts a dainty martini glass on the counter, in front of a man Dean has never seen before in the bar. Come to think if, he has never before seen a martini served before in this bar either. He didn't even know they had these kinds of glasses.

"Sorry, I got delayed."

"Winchester keep your hands clean."

"What do you think of me?" Dean asks in mock exasperation as he starts to fill up his first beer.

"Come on, I know the kind of things that get you delayed." She winks at him. "Jo told me about your new boy toy."

Dean actually laughs at that and shakes his head.

"Jo said that?"

"Well in not so many words. But you're not denying it." Ellen raises an eyebrow and Dean is suddenly very busy with filling his beer glasses.

"Well he is definitely not my boy toy, but…" Dean trails off because even he's not certain just what he is. "He is potential I suppose?" He finally says and Ellen gives him one of those smiles Dean imagines mothers would give their children, smiles that say that they understand and that they are proud, no matter of what their child chooses. It makes him feel warm inside that he has this kind of family, it's like Bobby likes to say, 'family don't end with blood'.

And it's almost enough to make him forget how much it hurts that he can't imagine his mother with that smile, because the memory of her is too long gone and all he has is that frozen camera smile.

Ellen leaves the bar after she has dealt out the drinks on her list and goes to help Jo with serving and mingling with the customers. Dean busies himself with work but even though the bar is pretty full tonight, he doesn't miss the looks the guy with the martini keeps giving him. And he can't shake the feeling that he knows him from somewhere.

But he doesn't have time to dwell on it, because soon he's busy with taking up orders and passing out drinks and peanuts and all the other stuff that pops up. Jo comes by occasionally and chats with him when she's got the time and Dean feels himself relaxing into the familiar routine.

It's not the same as working on cars, he can't let his thoughts wander as easily but it is kind of refreshing in a way. It keeps his thoughts occupied at least, so he doesn't get the chance to panic about what his actions might imply for his relationship with Cas. Now that the other isn't anywhere near he starts to have doubts again.

It's too good to be true after all.

Jo comes and sits down on an empty barstool, groaning to herself.

"Rough night?" Dean asks as he starts cleaning up the used glasses. The crowd has thinned around the bar and so there is not much else to do.

"Don't get me started. Someone barfed into the Lady's room, and I'm pretty sure it was _not_ a Lady. I'm not the one who has to clean it up, thank goodness, but I still want to take a shower." She shudders and Dean, feeling empathetic, puts a shot glass in front of her.

"Do you at least know who did it?"

"Not really, we have a few who claimed they saw the whole thing, but the witness reports contradict each other, so basically we got jack squat."

She downs the shot and sighs her contentment as she puts the glass down. "Well, Mom would certainly rip them a new one."

Dean takes the empty glass and adds it to the stack of dishes he still needs to clean, they have a small dishwasher, but it's usually not enough to battle the sheer amount of dirty glasses and plates so Dean has to lay an extra hand on most of the time.

A clatter from the opposite corner of the bar draws their attention and while the two of them still try to figure out what caused it, the crowd clears away to make space for two drunken men who are circling each other, in what appears to be a classic bar brawl. Tables are pushed back and chairs have been promoted to weaponry. The crowd cheers and Dean suppresses a growl. It stops to be all that funny when you're on the responsible side and have to break it up.

"Care to lend a hand?" He asks the martini-man from the bar, if he's staring, he can at least make himself useful. Dean doesn't really expect him to actually react, most people are pretty loud when it comes to the cheering but when it comes to stepping in, they're suddenly all busy with other important things. But to his surprise the stranger nods and follows him to the brawling men.

Jo goes off to find Ash, in case they need reinforcements and Dean sees Ellen out of the corner of his eyes disappearing into the backroom, most likely fetching the shotgun. He hopes it won't come to that.

"Okay people, that's enough." Dean announces and the crowd slowly starts to disperse. But the fight is still going and people are reluctant to leave the show.

"Knock it off you two, don't you know that Ellen has a shoot first, ask questions later policy?" To no one's surprise, he's thoroughly ignored. It would have been too much to ask anyway.

He hates to step in between fights, he usually ends up hurt in some way and despite of how many fights he has gotten himself in, getting bruised up is rarely worth the pain. A chair breaks as one of the men smashes it on the other's back and Dean has enough.

"Alright, don't say I didn't warn you." He steps forward and yanks the remains of the broken chair out of the man's hand, tossing them to the ground as he tries to grab him in some sort of headlock. But he dodges him and immediately tries to lung at him. The stranger from the bar, thankfully, doesn't need any more prompting to go after the other and after some wrenching and a few bruised knuckles and in Dean's case, one bruised cheekbone, they have them subdued, not counting the injuries of the two men of course.

Ellen appears and after she cocks her shotgun it doesn't take any more incentive for the two to leave with two emptied wallets to pay for the damage but consequently scared into silence. Thankfully incidents like these are rare, but Dean kind of understands why Ellen would hire him as a bouncer. It's preferable over getting charged because she assaulted customers with a rifle.

Jo reappears and offers to clean up while Dean returns to the bar. "How about I invite you to a drink?" Dean asks his helper, it's the least he can do after all. No one has dared to steal anything from the bar while he was gone, they were either too absorbed into the fight or too scared of Ellen's wrath to attempt anything.

"Sure." The stranger sits down on his previous stool. "How about a Cosmopolitan?"

Dean stops mid movement and turns around to look at him. "Uh…" He remembers reading some books on cocktails, back when Ellen first asked him to switch behind the bar, but since no one ever ordered something more sophisticated than Rum and Cola, he has forgotten most of it. "Sorry, I'm afraid I don't know how to make one."

"Alright, then I'll take a Gin tonic. You can do that right?"

Dean snorts, "That's just Gin and Tonic water, right?"

"You're not a professional, are you?" He asks as Dean prepares the drink. Dean isn't sure about the mixing ratio, but he figures that as long as he doesn't overdo it with the Gin, he can't do much wrong.

"No, I just work here as a form of side job." Dean explains as he puts the glass in front of the stranger, and gets a bag of ice for his swollen cheek. "I'm Dean, by the way."

"Tom, nice to meet you. So what is your main job?"

"I'm a car mechanic."

"I figured you'd be more of a hands on guy." Tom says and Dean is almost positive that he's flirting. But then Tom continues and Dean is not so sure anymore. "You have some fighting experience, I could tell."

It's true, Dean knows only too well that it's true. But he doesn't like to think, much less talk, about that part of his past, even if it comes in handy during bar fights. He's clearly out of practice though, judging by the colorful bruise on his face. "What's it to you?" He asks defensively.

Tom grins and leans back slightly. "I knew it."

There's an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach and Dean tries to recall again where exactly he has seen that face before. He's sure now that he knows the guy, but the name is too common and doesn't really ring a bell. "You knew what?"

His cheek is hurting and he doesn't like the way Tom is looking at him, there's a sly expression in his eyes that sets off all kind of alarms in Dean's head.

"You're a fighter, just like me." Tom takes sip of his drink, his posture relaxes but the uneasy feeling in Dean's stomach doesn't ease up.

"Why would you think that?" He knows when he says it, that it was a mistake, he should have directly denied the claim, because now Tom has a knowing look in his eyes.

But instead of pressing further, he just shrugs. "Just a hunch."He empties his glass and nods once as way of greeting before he makes his way over to the door. Dean is more relieved than he probably should be, but he can't help it, the guy just doesn't feel right.

* * *

They close up shortly after, Ellen is in a bad mood and most customers know better than to overstay their welcome. Ash has disappeared again as soon as it became clear that the fighting was over and Ellen sends Jo to bed once the last guest is gone, leaving Dean and herself to do the cleanup. They work in comfortable silence, neither is a person of much words and they have formed a mutual understanding with each other.

"Okay I think that's everything." Ellen observes, giving the bar a thorough look over. "Thanks Dean."

"No problem, Ellen. You know that."

"You should come by for dinner some time. Bring your new friend." She winks but Dean is too tired to react much. It's not that he actually has a point to argue, she is right after all. Well at least some way or another.

"Sure Ellen."

"Oh and tell Sam he can bring Jess."

"And let me guess, Bobby can bring Jody so he won't be as grumpy?"

"It's a date then. I'll call once I talked to Jo." Ellen gives him one of those warm smiles Dean wishes he could still remember his mother giving him. He's sure she did, but he can't remember her face in any other state than that one frozen smile. "Take care of yourself Dean." He returns the smile, feeling soft and warm, a rare feeling he usually connects with Sam and recently Cas. But Ellen is family too, and sometimes she is almost like a mother to him.

He's still under the influence of that blissful feeling when he walks out to the parking lot. And as much as he hates to admit that, but what happens next wouldn't have surprised him as much, if he weren't distracted by happy thoughts.

And that, more than anything, shows how messed up he really is.

He hears the footsteps, and in any other situation they would have alarmed him, but he's too wrapped up in thoughts about happy family dinners to register it as a threat, before it's too late. A body barrels into him, throws him off balance and he tumbles to the ground, hitting his shoulder on the hard concrete. He tries to push himself up but the other is pressing him down with his weight and before he can even think of screaming to alert help a hand clamps down on his mouth.

Dean is not a weak man, not by any means, but the attacker has his limbs pinned down pretty effectively and without the proper leverage, he doesn't stand a chance to throw them off. And this helplessness, combined with how he let himself be jumped in the first place (he can hear his father in his mind, lecturing him about how he just put shame on both his and his father's name), makes Dean unreasonably angry.

He's a letdown, he can't even do what his father taught him, no wonder he was always so disappointed, but that doesn't mean he will give in so easily. Dean keeps on struggling for a bit, to give the right impression, before he goes limp in the stranger's arms, seemingly giving up. The other doesn't move, but after a few endless moments he loosens his grip, shifting slightly and Dean uses that opportunity to twist and throw him off.

It's not an elegant move, and he only manages to get his upper body free but he quickly remedies that by pushing himself into a crouching position. The other rolls around and looks up at him and Dean snarls as he recognizes the face. Not just from the bar, because now he suddenly can remember where he saw Tom before.

Alastair's gang. He was one of the small fries, skidding at the sidelines, doing odd jobs, reconnaissance and basically doing everything the big guys were too high and mighty to bother with, which placed him far under Dean in their hierarchy.

"What the fuck?" Dean snaps, rising into a standing position but still wary as he eyes Tom for any suspicious movement. There is no reason why Tom should be here, he wasn't explicitly looking for him, that is for sure, but if Tom found him, even though by accident, others might too, and Dean can't allow that.

Tom smirks as he slowly raises his hands in some form of surrender that Dean doesn't trust for one second. "I just wanted to prove something, turns out I was right."

"What do you want?" Dean snaps, his patience running out quickly.

"The boss will be so pleased to hear this. You're rusty, but I bet with a bit of practice you'll be as good as ever."

Dean feels the blood drain from his face and his fists clench at his sides. There's no doubt who he could mean with 'the boss' and that doesn't bode well with him at all.

"You were always one of the best, I could never understand why you would leave," Tom continues and Dean feels the urge to punch him in the face to silence him.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Dean says, but he knows it's pointless. His reactions give him away, and even if he had concealed it better, he's sure that Tom wouldn't be deterred. He's too eager about the secret he's uncovered; he won't let it go so easily.

"Oh come on Dean. No hard feelings, eh? It wasn't personal; I just wanted to see if you'd had it still in you."

"I have no interest in coming back, I told Alastair as much." It wasn't easy to leave and it took him much convincing before Alastair let him go, and he will never forget his last words before Dean turned his back. 'You will come back to me, I know you, you'll always come back, that's the only reason I'll let you go.'

Tom's expression falters, ever so slightly, it's there and Dean feels a strange satisfaction that he's cracked his blind confidence. His face hurts and his shoulder aches where it hit the ground and all he wants to do is go home and curl up in Cas arms and-

No, not now.

"Fuck off." Dean feels tired all of a sudden. This was not supposed to happen, his past should have stayed there, in the past and he's too tired to deal with that now. "We're done here. Never show your face anywhere near me again." His words have stunned Tom, he just keeps staring as Dean turns away and walks over to his car.

And as much as he hopes that this was the conclusion, Dean knows with a gut-wrenching finality that this won't be the end of it.

Because when has fate ever let him off the hook easily?


	14. Chapter 14

Dean knows he probably should have told Ellen what happened so that she could ban Tom from ever entering her establishment again, but then he would have to explain why the other attacked him in the first place. And he simply is too tired to think of a good explanation. All he wants to do is to go home, hide under his pillow and forget this ever happened.

It had always been there, at the back of his mind, the possibility of Alastair popping back into his life one way or another, but he had somehow fooled himself into thinking that it wouldn't happen so soon, that Alastair would stand true to his word and wait until Dean returned to him of his own volition (Which he would never do). And in a way he had, judging by Tom's words Alastair had nothing to do with this, but that doesn't keep him from being angry at him.

Alastair had brought up the worst in him. And as much as he suppresses it, Dean knows that it was still there, the potential, the darkness, and he is afraid that it would drag him back in if he came to close. It had been a rush, the power, the dominance over his victims, the thrill of blood spilling under his hands, he had been addicted, even if only for a short while.

And he doesn't even want to think about all the people he killed, not always in person, but it would be delusional to think that they all survived after he was through with them. So much blood on his hands; he sometimes still has nightmares about the blood he just can't wash off, because it's not on his body, it's all on his soul. And it is still a miracle that he managed to get out in the first place, that he was able to pull back from the horrendous monster he had become. He can't risk going back, Alastair had a way with words -smooth tongue and sweet promises- that's what drew Dean in the first time.

Dean is still pissed when he pulls on to the parking space behind Bobby's house. His day had started so well and he had felt so good just spending time with Cas, and now all of that is in danger because of some stupid coincidence. He slams the car door harder than necessary and he immediately feels bad for letting his anger out on his baby. She didn't do anything wrong after all. It is all Dean's fault.

It is sometime during the early morning hours, cleanup had taken longer than expected, and the sky is filled with countless stars, all blinking down on his insignificant form. For a moment Dean feels like screaming out all his frustration, but there is no one there to hear, just stars, impassive and eternal.

Sometimes Dean wishes he could believe in god, like Sammy does, wishes that he could trust in some higher power that watches over him. But he can't, he has seen so much bad things in this world, he simply can't believe that there is a god anymore. So there's just an empty sky above him, no heaven, no god, no angels.

Still, he feels like screaming.

The house is dark and silent, and Dean does his best to be quiet when he enters. He's bruised up pretty badly and he can't handle Sam's questions now or Bobby's disapproving glare. He will have to face those things eventually but it doesn't have to be now. He has however forgotten one thing.

"Dean."

There are hasty footsteps and then hands on his arms as Cas pulls him into the faint moonlight that pours in through the windows. Zeppelin is idly blinking in the corner, not perturbed by the late disturbance.

"You're hurt." And there is a tone in Cas' voice, urgent and worried and his grip is tight around his arms but all that is shadowed by the look in his eyes. It's dark, therefore hard to see, but even in the dim light of the moon Dena can make out the sharp blue of Cas' eyes. He has the strange and displaced urge to wrap his arms around Cas' shoulders, to press his lips against Cas' until the worry lines disappear, until his frown dissipates and his body quivers under his hands.

"What happened?" Cas is angry. Why is Cas angry? There is no reason for him to be angry, it's just Dean who got hurt, nothing new, Sam can write a book of how often he had to patch his brother up.

Cas' hands tremble as he guides Dean further into the living room and onto the couch, he flinches slightly when Cas pushes against his injured shoulder and even though it's still dark he can see the way Cas clenches his hands into fists at his side, and the way his eyes darken as he takes note of the reaction. It's so surreal. Dean is angry, because his past caught up with him, but Cas doesn't know that and still, there he is, hands clenched and nearly livid.

"Nothing." Dean says. And he wishes with every fiber of his being that it were true. He can handle the pain, it hurts like a bitch but it's by far not the worst he's ever had, no, he can handle the pain.

"You're lying." Cas says and there is not a shred of doubt in his voice. Since when has Dean become so easy to read? Or maybe it's just Cas, Cas who stares at him at any possibility he's given, Cas who stares at him as if he can see his soul, Cas who probably has seen deeper into his psyche than anyone before, and who is still here, despite everything.

Maybe he sees something that is hidden even from Dean.

Maybe there is nothing he can hide from Cas. (Maybe there is nothing he _wants_ to hide from Cas.)

It's late and he is tired, but Cas' hands are on him again, gently cupping his chin so that he looks up into his eyes and Dean just wants to drown in that endless blue.

"What happened Dean?" Cas' voice grows more urgent and Dean realizes with a start that he now looks almost scared. Scared because Dean refuses to talk to him, scared because he doesn't know what happened, scared because he cares-

He really wishes it were this easy.

And what if it is? There is no reason for Cas to act like this, he's usual so rational, all logic and reason, so why would he act like this if not for _that_ reason. He really, really wishes it were this easy.

"Dean!"

Dean blinks. He hadn't noticed that Cas has dropped to his knees, his hands grasping at Dean's as he tries to get his attention. "Dean, please. Let me help you."

It's too much. Cas' eyes are impossibly wide and there's something close to panic in them and Dean's words die on his tongue. He can't lie to those eyes, he can't keep saying it's nothing, not when it so clearly is not. He's still shaken, the anger long burned out, but he's shivering uncontrollably, teeth clenching, and hasn't even noticed it. No wonder Cas is beyond himself.

"I…" But his words fail him. He wants to, by the love of everything that is rock'n roll, he wants to, but his throat constricts the moment he opens his mouth. He just can't forget the look on Cassie's face, the disgust in her voice as she told him to leave and never come back again. Even now, after all these years he still can't let go of her memory.

"I'm sorry Cas." He can't, he just can't. He has swallowed this secret down for so long, it just feels impossible to dig it out now. And he knows, with startling certainty, that it would crush him if he ever saw that look of disgust on Cas' face directed at him.

Cas hands are on his and suddenly he is up in Dean' space. He doesn't know how it happens, but suddenly he is in Cas' arms, face pressed against his shoulders and Cas' hands gently card through his hair. "I just can't." He whispers against the fabric of Cas' coat and it smells so much like Cas, even though, by any means, Cas shouldn't smell like anything.

Something breaks, Dean can almost feel it physically, and then he is clutching the front of Cas' jacket with his, burying his face in Cas' chest as he tries hard to hold the tears back. His cheek is aching faintly, his shoulder is protesting but he doesn't care, not now, when all he can do is to hold on and hope that Cas will never let go.

It's weak and pathetic, his father would be ashamed (but that is nothing new), and Dean doesn't care. He's so sick of denying himself, he's so sick of pretending, sick of acting like everything is alright, while deep down he feels so empty and hollow. And Cas is just _there_, he doesn't ask for anything, he doesn't want anything from him, he just accepts him, even though he's such a disappointment.

He doesn't know how long he stays there in Cas' arms. At the beginning he is still shaking, clinging to Cas as the emotions surge through him. Cas never stops touching him, he winds his arm around Dean, pressing him close to his chest and his hand keeps rubbing the back of Dean's neck. And eventually the shaking ceases, Dean relaxes and loosens his vise like grip on Cas' jacket. But he doesn't let go completely.

He has to pull away eventually though. His shoulder is throbbing and while he knows that the bruise on his cheek will heal just fine, he can't be that sure with his shoulder. Cas hesitates before he lets him go but Dean moves away only a short distance. He keeps one hand in Cas' jacket as he carefully pulls down the sleeve of his flannel shirt.

Cas tenses slightly but he relaxes again once he realizes that Dean just wants to get to the injury and he replaces his hand on the small of Dean's back. Dean winces as he peels back the shirt, as a bit of the fabric got stuck to the wound.

It's actually hard to get a good look at the wound, the angle is awkward and it is still dark in the room. But before Dean can get his hands on it, Cas' are there and he carefully prods at the skin as he assesses the damage. He is gentle and Dean feels himself relax as Cas takes care of him. He's exhausted, not only from the long night but also from the emotional stress, so he lets his head drop back against the backrest and closes his eyes as he lets Cas do his thing.

He must have drifted off (weird, with Cas prodding at his open wound), because next thing he realizes is the cool sensation of a wet cloth pressed against his shoulder as Cas dabs at his wound. It's painful but he doesn't want to alert Cas to it. He's so careful and gentle, he doesn't want to give him the expression he is anything but.

"It's not very deep, just shallow abrasions, but we still should bandage it. I think the bone is fine, but you probably have a contusion." Cas' voice is low and rumbling and soothing to Dean's exhaustion. He doesn't know where he got them, but there is a roll of bandage on the coffee table, a tape roll next to it. Maybe some leftovers from Cas' injury. But Cas doesn't immediately go for them once he finishes the cleaning, instead he fidgets with the cloth and looks everywhere but Dean's face.

"What's wrong?" Dean asks, voice low and a bit hoarse from the almost crying and Cas visibly tenses. There's a noticeable flush at the base of his neck, visible even in the darkness of the room.

"You need to take off your shirt." Cas finally says, the red spreading to his face and even more prominent, his ears, still avoiding Dean's eyes.

It is late and Dean is slow so he doesn't immediately grasp the meaning of Cas' words. "What?"

"I need to bandage the wound, your clothes are in the way." If possible Cas blush only deepens and understanding dawns on Dean. At any other time he would have said something teasing, flirtatious even, probably accompanied by a saucy wink, but right now he's too tired and grateful for the help. He just pushes himself up and pulls his flannel shirt off his shoulders. But to get his other shirt off he needs more space to get it over his head, and so far Cas isn't moving an inch.

"Cas." He whispers and somehow he doesn't want Cas to move at all. He wouldn't mind staying there, like this, close to each other, just losing himself in Cas' presence. They're so close and he can even feel the soft ghost of Cas' breath on his skin and it leaves behind a heat that spreads through his body. All he wants is to pull Cas in and kiss him, feel those chapped lips (just like those of a real human) on his. But he forces himself to speak. "A little space?"

Cas doesn't react immediately, he just stares at Dean before his words register and then he backs up, hastily and Dean feels the loss of his touch like a cold spot on his skin. He quickly pulls off the shirt and he doesn't fail to notice the way Cas eyes widen as he trails them over his bare torso. Cas' mouth is open slightly, and he looks like he is in trance as he slowly raises his hand towards the tattoo under Dean's collar bone.

Dean holds his breath, frozen in place as he watches how Cas hesitates a few inches before contact, hoping to himself that he will go through with it and then Cas' fingers are on his skin, barely a brush but it spikes heat through him nevertheless. It's just a slight drag of fingers, following the circle of the pentagram, prodding against the flames, but Dean feels like electricity is surging through him and suddenly the urge to touch Cas back is overwhelming. Unbidden the images come back of Cas spread out, skin flushed and panting as Dean covers his body with kisses.

But then Cas seems to realize what he's doing and he snaps his hand back, looking almost as startled as Dean. His face is red again and he watches Dean with wide eyes as if he fears Dean to lash out at him for overstepping a line. Dean tries a smile to reassure him, but it's shaky and he wonders for a moment if he should just take Cas' hand and place it back on his chest, but he hesitates for a moment too long and Cas has already gathered himself and reaches for the bandage.

He wraps Dean up quick and efficient, apologizing quietly that he didn't find any salve to go with it but Dean doesn't care either way. He's too entranced by the closeness, the scent of Cas that is so impossible, yet so tangible, and despite all the trouble and the worries, he feels good for the first time since Tom attacked him on that parking lot.

It seems that Cas just has that effect on him.

He doesn't really know how they ended up there, but a little while later they lie together on the couch, blanket pulled up to their chins and Dean only hesitates a little before he rests his head on Cas' chest. It feels good and he doesn't even care that Sam will most likely make fun of him when he finds them in the morning. And he thoroughly ignores all the doubts and the worries that keep rising up in his mind, Cas clearly doesn't mind, so really, why should he?

With that thought he falls asleep.

* * *

He wakes up with the peculiar sensation of being watched. Intently. At first Dean can't quite place where he is or what the warm cushion is that his head rests on, but memories slowly come back, along with the throbbing reminders of his injuries. His face feels swollen and he can only halfway open his left eye when he finally blinks them open.

And that also explains who the person behind him is. Dean doesn't want to turn around, turning around means acknowledging Cas' presence and the implications of their position and he can't deal with that right now. But he knows that Cas is staring, he can feel his gaze on his back and it makes the hair on his neck prickle as they rise up.

"Good morning Dean." Cas greets, his voice sending shivers down Dean's spine, and with that the decision is taken out of Dean's hands. He turns around to look at Cas, but the words he might have said stay stuck in his throat as he looks into Cas' smiling eyes. There's so much warmth, affection even and suddenly Dean only minds half as much that Cas apparently was watching him sleep.

It's still creepy though.

"Morning." He smiles, the skin on his face pulling awkwardly around the bruise as he moves his mouth. Cas frowns and raises his hand to touch the bruise but Dean quickly backs off. His expression falls and Cas averts his eyes. "It's still sore." Dean explains with an apologetic shrug and for some reason it isn't as weird as it should be, waking up with his head cradled in Cas' lap, getting stared at and greeted with a warm smile, all that while half naked. It feels almost natural and Dean finds himself reluctant to move out of the comfort of his position.

Cas nods in understanding and instead cradles Dean's neck with his hand and with that all ideas about getting up and maybe take a shower (or pee, because duh) are wiped off Dean's mental to do list. He shouldn't feel this comfortable, not after how much effort he put into not talking to Cas, but he can't find the will to care.

"What time is it?" He asks eventually, because his bladder doesn't like to be ignored and he has the slight suspicion that it is later than he would like it to be.

"Shortly before noon." Cas answers and his fingers start gently rubbing at Dean's neck and he fights the urge to close his eyes.

Dean groans, it _is_ later than he would have liked but with how late he went to sleep last night there obviously was no helping it.

"Sam wanted to wake you, but I stopped him. You needed your rest." Cas continues and Dean groans again. Sam will never let him live that one down.

"Where is he?" Dean asks as he slowly pushes himself up.

"Preparing lunch, I presume." Cas informs, sounding slightly disappointed as he has to withdraw his fingers. "He seemed like he wanted to speak to you."

"Lucky me." Dean comments. Sam either wants to talk or he wants to _talk_, and somehow Dean's got the feeling that it's the latter. This kind of talk never means anything good, he has this knack for wanting to talk about emotional stuff, about things Dean usually doesn't want to talk about and usually he has a way of forcing that conversation out of Dean one way or another. And after finding his emotionally repressed brother sleeping in Cas' arms, bruised up no less, Dean has a vague idea what it is, Sam would like to speak about. He doesn't like it one bit.

"I need a shower." Dean stretches once after standing up, noticing with no small amount of pride that Cas eyes stay glued on his torso the whole time. He knows that he is quite good looking, and he used that fact to his advantage more than one time, but he never felt this kind of excitement with anyone else but Cas. It's like he's basking in the glow of Cas' gaze and he even finds himself preening just a bit.

"You should probably take one too, and wash those clothes. I know you don't sweat but you've been wearing them for days and they're bound to get dirty. You can shower right?" At least he's heard that bots are all waterproof and stuff.

Cas makes an aborted noise, sounding suspiciously like a moan. Dean's head whips around and he stares at Cas, who still sits on the couch, staring at him, mouth hanging slightly open and with a certain look of trepidation in his eyes.

It takes a moment longer than it should for Dean to realize the implication of his words. "I was not implying that you'd have to take the shower with me." Dean says, voice gentle. He banishes every little shred of doubt that tells him that Cas wouldn't want to shower with him anyway, that he looks like this because he's disgusted by the thought, because he's seen that look before, he visited enough brothels when he was younger to remember the scared expression on those unfortunate virgins that got dragged there by their peers. Terrified but also immeasurably aroused.

But there is something else in Cas' eyes, something hidden underneath the obvious, a kind of dread that runs deeper than any of the other emotions he has seen on Cas before and that makes his stomach clench almost painfully. And that is why he goes for gentle instead of cocky, why he allows the care to slip in his voice, because he's afraid to see the blank wash over Cas' face again.

He doesn't bother with trying to understand what _that_ means for him.

Cas blinks at him, for a moment he looks lost, confused but then he tilts his head just slightly to stare at Dean. "I wasn't…" He trails off and frowns, the look of confusion deepens. "Apologies, there must have been an error with the data processing. What were you saying?"

Okay, weird.

It is most likely something Dean should worry about, but before he can say anything more, they are interrupted by Sam.

"I see you're finally awake, Dean." Sam greets with a smug grin, but Dean is still too worried about what just happened to pay much attention, let alone grace Sam with a reply. Cas is acting all weird, and then there's that reaction he had to Dean's words.

"Good morning Sam." Cas says and the happy expression falls from Sam's face.

"You already said good morning Cas." Sam says slowly, and now there's worry there and he glances at Dean but there's no answer he can give.

Cas blinks again but this time it isn't followed by confusion but by a light smile, that somehow fails to reach his eyes. It doesn't seem like he's doing it on purpose; it's more like he has temporarily forgotten how to work all of his face into one emotion. "Right. I apologize. There must have been a faulty duplication in protocol." Somehow Dean doubts that this is the real reason but he doesn't know enough about bot software to say for sure and since Sam seems to accept it, there's not much he can do.

"It's alright, I guess that happens." Sam nods once at Cas before he focuses his attention on Dean. But before Dean can open his mouth to protest (he's not in the mood for this kind of emotional conversation) Sam's face breaks into a broad grin and he says: "Guess who's back in."

Dean is confused, he has expected a lot, but none of that entailed an enthusiastic Sam nearly bouncing on his feet as he waits for Dean to catch up to him. "Back in what?"

Sam rolls his eyes, but it's no real annoyance. "With my PhD. The dean agreed on allowing me to work for Angelbot for my thesis and I have a meeting with Mr. Shurley and Sarah later this afternoon, regarding the specifics. But if everything goes well I can start on Monday. Not on Cas, but still."

Dean can't help but grin, this is indeed good news. "Good for you Sammy." He slaps a hand on Sam's shoulder. "We should celebrate."

"Not today, I've got a date with Jess tonight."

Dean winks suggestively at him.

Sam sticks out his tongue.

"Anyway, what happened to your face?" The joy he had felt at Sam's good news vanishes instantly. He doesn't want to talk about it, but he can't let that show because if one thing keeps Sam going, it is when he feels that Dean is avoiding a subject. So he just shrugs noncommittally.

"I had to break up a bar fight." And thank the almighty gods of pie that it's true. He _had_ to break up a fight and the injury happened during that fight, even though that fight kind of led to the shit that happened afterwards. Sam, thankfully, buys his explanation, but Dean doesn't miss the look that Cas gives him, because his reaction yesterday certainly wasn't just because of a bar fight.

"Okay, I'm going to take my shower now." Dean announces before Sam can get any ideas and ask why he was cuddling with Cas. His brother, the smooth bastard, gives him a knowing look though and Dean decides that he just doesn't care enough to give a proper reply. It felt good and Cas didn't mind, so why bother with worrying about it? It's not that he hurt anyone. But he knows that Sam won't drop the fact, he will just address it later, when Dean least expects it.

He pauses to ask Cas again if he'd like to take a shower, but thinks better of it. He doesn't want to trigger that reaction again. But before he can leave the room he is stopped, to his not exactly small surprise, by Cas' voice.

"Dean. I'd like to take that shower later." He says, fidgeting nervously with his hands and refuses to meet his eyes. "And to wash my clothes." Sam gives them a wary look but thankfully he doesn't say anything and just leaves with a mumbled "lunch is in the kitchen".

Dean takes a long a look at Cas, takes in the nervousness, the wariness of his motions and the flicker of his eyes that refuse to stay in one place. There's something that sets Cas off, but he won't pry into it, not if Cas doesn't want to talk about it on his own. That's what he would like in that situation.

"Sure, I'll wash your clothes when you take your shower." He keeps his stance easy, non-threatening, careful not to spook Cas again. Wherever this sudden frailty came from, he's going to make sure that Cas isn't stressed more than absolutely necessary. It's quick and Cas conceals it almost immediately, but Dean doesn't miss the short look of relief that flickers over Cas' face at his words.

And even though he tells himself that it has nothing to do with him, but with the strange panic from earlier, Dean still feels a sting of hurt in his chest.

And it shouldn't actually surprise him, not after jacking of to thoughts of Cas, not after he witnessed the effect Cas has on him so many times, that he really likes the idea of sharing a shower with Cas.


	15. Chapter 15

The rest of Saturday passes in relative peace, aside from some stern looks from both Bobby and Jody, regarding the state of his face. But they're used worse from him, at least Bobby is, so Dean just shrugs and is secretly relieved that everyone apparently bought his 'bar fight' explanation.

Everyone except Cas.

He doesn't press, not openly, but he keeps staring at Dean with that questioning tilt-frown that is so typical for him. And Dean is torn. For one thing he would like to talk to Cas, he has already shown that he's understanding and Dean clings to the hope that he won't judge as harshly as Cassie did. But that is really the problem. There is a chance that he will react the same and that cripples Dean. He would try to avoid Cas, but the thought alone makes him feel bad so he endures the other's silent fussing.

He doesn't mind that much really.

His shoulder hurts more than he would expect from a simple abrasion but after he let Cas take another look, he concludes that the bone might have suffered some damage too, not a fraction, but enough to make moving pretty painful. Dean refuses a doctor and since Jess isn't there, Bobby has to dig out his old army skills and he wraps up Dean's shoulder in a tight bandage, and after a lot of arguing and one pointed puppy look from Cas he concedes to taking the day off.

Really, he's starting to suspect that Cas exactly knows what that look does to him. It's not so much the puppy eyes, he's used to them from Sam, but it's the fact that it's Cas who pulls it Cas, who can look at him like Dean's the very center of the world. He doubts he can ever say no to that.

Bobby soon disappears again, having Dean patched up and 'better things to do than play babysitter' and Dean is alone with Cas. Sam is off to his meeting with Chuck Shurley and his lunch has long since been eaten. Dean is forbidden from leaving his spot on the couch and Cas makes an art out of trying to read every wish he could possibly have from his eyes. And only when Dean has made Cas swear to never ever tell Sam about this, he allows himself to indulge in Cas' intense care.

Dean lies propped up against a mountain of pillows on the couch, legs sprawled out over Cas' thighs next to him, a way of keeping him in place. He has a bowl of popcorn in his lap and a can of soda standing on the side table. He had to downright force Cas to sit down with him, because he kept insisting on getting Dean this and that until Dean has finally had enough.

"Relax, I won't heal any faster with you running around like crazy." He hadn't said any more but the real reason for this was that it gives him opportunity to spend time with Cas, just like this and that feels way better than it has any right to. He's content, despite the aching pain in his shoulder, despite the constant throbbing in his face and he's willing to hold on to that as long as possible.

They're watching some kind of game show and Dean has taken to guessing along with the candidates.

"What is the molecular weight of oxygen?" The quizmaster asks and there is an obvious look of panic on the current candidate's face.

"Oh come one, who knows that?" Dean throws his hands up in exasperation. He was rooting for the candidate and now she will be kicked out most definitely.

"15.999 u." Cas says quietly and Dean's hands drop to his sides.

"What?"

"The atomic weight of oxygen is 15.999 unified atomic mass units." Cas repeats and looks at Dean as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"How come you know things like that but not how to brew your own coffee?" Dean asks incredulous, the struggle of the candidate momentarily forgotten.

Cas frowns. "I don't know. I just… know."

Dean doesn't know for a moment what to say, but then the television suddenly roars with groans of disappointment as the moderator exclaims that "16! The right answer is 16 and not 34. And you're out." He reaches over to lower the volume with the remote and then looks at Cas again.

"It's okay." He finds himself saying, the need to comfort and reassure Cas almost overwhelming. Somehow Cas' hand has found its way into his and he squeezes lightly, something he has done quite a lot during the last few weeks. But it's easy in a way, because Cas' hand just fits perfectly in his as if it were made for him.

"I'm sorry." Cas finally says and Dean sits up in surprise.

"For what? Cas, there is nothing you need to be sorry for."

"But I'm a burden. I have all this useless knowledge but I still don't understand how to use the dishwasher. What use is in all that sophisticated knowledge when I can't handle common human life? I even need help to find a job. And I-" He cuts himself off and looks away, grip tightening around Dean's hand.

"You what?" Dean asks gently, TV blaring in the background but they both ignore it.

"I think I'm defect." Cas says and his eyes are wide as he looks at Dean. There's worry there, and a deep reaching fear that wrenches something in Dean's gut.

"Why would you think that?" Dean asks, pulling his legs up to sit up straight and face Cas fully. "Cas, we can fix that." He says without thinking, it doesn't matter, he won't let Cas go so easily. There's a fierce pain suddenly, a primal fear of losing Cas and he instinctively tightens his grip, wanting nothing more than to pull Cas closer and never let go. And that's when he realizes it, that he's already too far gone over the edge, there's no going back now. The mere thought of losing Cas sends him into a near panic attack.

"But I don't even know what's broken." Cas says, voice almost inaudible against the noise of the television. Dean mutes it completely with an angry push of the button. "I have these memory errors, flashbacks sometimes and whenever I have one I miss a moment of real time."

Shit. Shit. Shit. This is more Sam's area of expertise, but he's not here right now and Dean doesn't know if he will be able to help Cas. "What kind of errors?"

"'Corrupted data, access not recommended. Data incomplete, extrapolation not possible, access not recommended.' I get these whenever I try to gain access to the memory flashbacks. They also give me headaches."

Dean frowns as he tries to make sense out of Cas' explanation. "So basically what you're saying is that you have the memory somewhere but it's corrupted and you can't access it?" Wow, that was actually easier to understand than he'd thought.

"Yes."

"Cas, that doesn't mean that you're defect, that just means you can't remember something, because the data is incomplete, you know, like a hangover?"

Cas frowns at him. "I never had a hangover."

"Yeah right, I remember that." Dean says dryly, remembering far too well what Cas' alternative to a hangover was. "Look, I'm not too experienced with this stuff but isn't there supposed to be some backup? The memory should be stored somewhere and you should be able to access it. Or you could just delete it."

"Deletion not possible." Cas reiterates and Dean sighs. Dean can't say he's not curious about these memories, they're most likely what happened to Cas before they found him, but he's also aware that there's something wrong with the whole picture. Cas is perfectly functional, except for this memory thing, and it looks too much like someone purposely wiped those specific memories, doing a piss poor job and in the process messing up Cas' system.

"I could…" Cas starts but trails off as he thinks on whatever it is he might or might not be able to do. "I could try to connect manually to my memory core and retrieve the memory data directly, and install them back into my system. That way I would bypass the system restrictions."

"Is that dangerous?"

"Probably. I could end up deleting all of my memories, but we could externally store a safety copy. And the corruption could, of course, prevail."

"You can do that?" Dean asks, not so secretly impressed. "Like movies on Blu-ray or something?"

Cas squints at him, spelling pretty clearly what he thinks of that idea. "No, you wouldn't be able to access them, they're encrypted and you need a certain software to read the data." Dean is probably more disappointed than he should be.

"Okay then. D'you wanna do it?"

"I'm not sure. It is risky, I could lose essential data, regardless of the safety copy. And the system errors are not necessarily dangerous, just unpleasant." He grimaces slightly to indicate the headache.

"Well, it's your choice. If those errors aren't dangerous, there's no need to rush, right? You can always take the time to think it through. I'll be behind you, whatever you choose." He didn't intend for the last part to come out aloud, he hadn't even realized that he wanted to say it but now that he had, he feels that it is true. He wants to help Cas, and he trusts him to make the right decision.

"Thank you Dean." Cas says, and there is so much warmth and appreciation in his voice. They hold each other's gaze for a few moments before Cas frowns disapprovingly. "You should lay back down Dean. Your shoulder needs rest." Dean laughs softly and allows Cas to guide him back against the pillows. Cas even pulls his legs back up into his lap and starts massaging his feet.

Dean unmutes the TV and they return to watching in companionable silence.

* * *

Sam comes back eventually from his meeting and Dean only needs to see the skip in his step to know that it went well. Good for him then. He can't help but feel a little bitter that everything works out for Sam, that he never seems to have to struggle like Dean does. But he knows that isn't fair, just because Dean never had it easy doesn't mean that Sam now has to have a hard time.

It's just so hard sometimes to watch Sam, Sam who has his life in order, who has Jess and who can laugh so easily, while Dean still has to hide parts of his past, while Dean comes home with bruises he can't explain. And he feels guilty, because Sam has earned all this, and Dean deserves all he's got, so really, the universe is just dealing out just desserts. Besides he has Cas now, and even if their relationship is fragile at best, it's still one of the best things that ever happened to him. As if he had heard Dean's thoughts, Cas thumbs press into the ball of his foot and Dean closes his eyes as the sensation shoots through his body. He never would have thought that something like that could feel this good.

Sam shoots him a look and then asks with that voice that he specifically reserves for Dean: "Can we, uh, talk?" He's tempted to say no, he wants to stay with Cas and enjoy the lazy afternoon but something in Sam's eyes convinces him to get up regardless. Cas insists on helping him up though and only once he has safely delivered Dean onto the helping shoulder of his brother, that he sits down on the couch.

He preemptively elbows Sam before he can make any comment about the coddling, earning him a surprised yelp from Sam and a very confused squint from Cas. Thankfully Sam just decides to ignore it and hobbles Dean into the kitchen. Why he needs to be suspended on Sam's shoulder is beyond Dean, but he has given up on trying to get out of Cas' ideas of nursing him. If ever asked, he would vehemently deny that he enjoyed it though.

Sam dumps him on a chair and goes over to the coffee machine, busying himself with preparing two cups. He seems nervous, all traces of his previous happiness gone and Dean can't help but start to worry. "Okay, spill it Sammy."

"Dean, I don't know how to say it, but I'm worried about Cas." Sam doesn't look at him, instead he keeps fiddling with the coffeemaker, even though the machine is already working.

"So?"

Sam sighs, exasperated. "Don't tell me you haven't noticed it. He has memory lapses, periods where he's unresponsive and he confuses information. I asked Jess about it, but she didn't know anything so I asked some people at the university."

Okay, Dean really doesn't like the sound of that.

"Look Sam, I've already talked to Cas and he said it is some sort of memory error but he might be able to fix it."

"Dean…" Sam runs a hand through his hair as he finally turns around. "That's one of the possibilities, but it also could be a virus or some irreparable system error. I know you don't want to hear it, but this could be something serious. I mean Cas wouldn't have been dumped like that if he were okay."

"Don't talk like that." Dean snaps, short of slamming his hand on the table. "Cas is not just some damaged machine that we throw away the moment we have no more use for him. It's Cas damn it."

"I know. Do you think this is easy for me? Heck, Cas is like family for me too, in case you forgot that." Sam snaps back and for a moment the brothers are glaring at each other. It's Sam who looks away first and Dean allows himself to relax again at his brother's surrender.

"We'll fix this Sammy. We've been through so much shit together and we always handle it. It's what we do, it's what we always do. We'll find a way to fix Cas, you've got your funding now, so why don't you try and work on Cas."

Sam smiles weakly, takes up the cups with coffee and places one in front of Dean. "I could try. Or I could get Chuck to look him over, he's head of research he might have an idea."

"See." Dean stands up and takes his coffee. "There's always a way." He turns around and heads to leave the kitchen to rejoin Cas in the living room.

"Yes." Sam says and Dean ignores the doubt in Sam's voice, he ignores the creasing lines of worry on his forehead. He needs to believe that there is a way, no he doesn't need to believe it, he knows it. Nothing will happen to Cas, because Dean will do everything in his power to protect him.

* * *

Dean goes to bed eventually and he has to fight off Cas almost physically, to get at least some private time in the bathroom. Cas insists on making sure that he's comfortable once in bed, and Dean is torn between having bedroom thoughts and amusement over how adorable Cas looks as he tucks him in. It's domestic, it's sweet and Dean can just feel the diabetics, but Cas looks so happy when he fluffs up Dean's pillows and carefully lays them out for him.

Under other circumstances he might have ignored all the doubts and inhibitions and just push Cas down into the cushions, and do some questionable things to him, it's what his body wants to do anyway, and he has a hunch that Cas wouldn't mind. But Sam's words still swirl in his head, how it might be something else, something more dangerous and he can't summon the will to do anything that might mess up Cas' system even more.

"Good night Dean." Cas says as he switches off the lights and leaves to go back to the marathon of 'Family Ties' that is currently airing.

Dean feels overstuffed with all the pillows in his back and the blanket bunched over him. He knows Cas means well but right now it feels a bit overbearing. He's tired but sleep won't come to him and soon he's tossing and turning, head thrumming with all the things he's learned today. He was able to keep the worry to the sidelines as long as he was busy with watching television and generally enjoying Cas' presence, but now that he's trying to sleep he can't ignore it any longer.

The implications of Sam's words are clear, if there is indeed something else wrong with Cas he might get irreversibly damaged and that could very well lead to his death. The thought makes Dean almost physically sick. His body is covered in sweat and he has to throw off the blanket to get some air, but after only a few moments the night air is too cold on his moist skin and he has to pull the blanket back.

He can't stop thinking about Cas, and the worry churns thick in his stomach. It should frighten him that he's so vulnerable but he just knows that he couldn't stand to lose Cas. He's grown into an important part of his life, even after this short time. Dean stares up at the dark ceiling, a trickle of faint starlight pouring in through a gap between the curtains, there are no streetlights outside of Bobby's house.

So much time he had spent on avoiding the subject, so much time he had convinced himself that what he feels for Cas is only platonic, a carnal desire for his body maybe, but he has always known that there is more. But what if Sam is right and Cas really is damaged beyond repair? Could he stand to live on without having ever told him that there is more? Or would it break him to tell him just to lose him right after.

But he can't afford to think like that, nothing will happen to Cas, they will find a way. It sounded more convincing when he said it to Sam this afternoon, but now in the dark he is not so sure anymore. He needs to be sure though, he needs to believe that he will find a solution. He doesn't want to live without Cas anymore, even if it's just a friend, even if they never get more than this.

Everything is better than without him.

As frightening as that is.

Dean doesn't know how long he's lying there, but it must be rather late, he had heard Sam return at some point and now the house is completely silent. Not for long though.

There is a soft knock on his door and Dean pushes himself up before he calls his visitor in. He's not really surprised when he sees it's Cas, it would be more accurate even, to say he is pleased. (Not only because Cas apparently learned his lesson about knocking upon late night visits.)

Not so pleasant is the look of panic on Cas' face.

"Dean, it is terrible."

"Cas, what happened?" Dean is up in a heartbeat, ignoring his protesting shoulder that complains about the sudden movement, and he is at Cas' side a moment later. "Are you alright?" Countless scenarios race through his head, the system error, it must be the error, is acting up, causing Cas pain and Dean almost panics too, because he doesn't know what to do.

"Natasha's mother had an affair with Patrick, so she is in truth his daughter and has committed incest with her half brothers." It takes Dean an impressively long time until he manages to make sense of Cas' words. And the flood of relief that washes over him is almost enough to make him lose his footing.

"Dammit Cas. Don't scare me like that." Cas just looks at him with that confused squint-frown and Dean can't really be angry at him, not when he looks like that. Not when the relief is so overwhelming that apparently everything is fine and Cas just got overexcited over an episode of 'Family Ties' again.

"Apologies. I never intended to scare you."

Dean weakly waves a hand and drops to sit on his bed. "Just don't barge in my room while looking like you're chased by hellhounds."

"I didn't barge in."

"You know what I mean."

"Apologies. I shouldn't have woken you."

"Yeah, yeah, it's fine, I couldn't sleep anyway. So what happened now with Natasha and her mother? I didn't know she had an affair with Patrick?" He might as well indulge Cas. (It's certainly not because he's curious about the newest developments of 'Family Ties', and it's especially not because Cas just walked into his room in the middle of the night, looking quite ruffled and more attractive than he has every right to.)

"Yes, it came as quite a surprise. I certainly didn't expect it, albeit the name should have given it away. Natasha, Nat, in hindsight it was obvious, I can't believe I missed it for so long."

Dean laughs as he runs a hand through his hair. He sits back against the wall on the side of the bed, covers pulled up over his lap. Cas is still standing in the door, his body framed by the light that pours in from the downstairs lamp and for a short fleeting moment he looks almost angelic, the glow dances around his head like a halo.

The words stay stuck in Dean's throat for a moment as the images burns itself into his mind, Cas' eyes glowing blue, incandescent almost. It's surreal and Dean has to blink quite a few times until the image is cleared and Cas looks his normal self again. He realizes that Cas is staring at him, expectantly as if he is waiting for Dean to say something. And he probably is.

He doesn't really know what makes him do it but Dean scoots over just slightly and makes room for Cas next to him, patting the now empty space as an invitation. It's probably all kinds of suggestive but Dean just feels like having Cas close while they talk. He's still not tired and secretly he craves a bit of contact, which he would never admit, not even at gunpoint.

"I kind of expected it." Dean says with a shrug, once Cas has sat down next to him, taking in the surprise on the other's face. "Yeah, it's like you said, the name made it pretty obvious. 'Family Ties' is many things, but not subtle." Cas frowns and tilts his head, deep thinking something again.

"I was shocked to learn that Natasha's mother set her up to have incestuous intercourse with all of her brothers, I underestimated her drive for revenge."

"Well, it's a bit drastic. Wait, wasn't she pregnant with Matt's child?"

"Yes, but she miscarried after she got in the middle of the fight between Matt and Chad about the fatherhood. Chad accidentally shoved her and she fell on her stomach if I recall correctly."

Dean shakes his head in light amusement. He needs to catch up with the show some time, but judging from what Cas told him, he hasn't really missed much quality television. Sure, the show's a classic and there are tons of re-runs but Dean can only stomach so much episodes at once before he needs to watch some good old movie, or he'll go crazy with all the blown-out-of proportions problems and life shattering tragedies that always turn up when the show's threatening to go through a drag.

"Okay, what else happened?" He's not really sure if he actually _wants_ to catch up. It seems that the show is slowly degrading in quality, from more or less realistic (but overdone) story telling into jump-the-shark territory.

"Pat has prostate cancer but refuses to tell his family, which has put a strain on his marital relationship and Kat has been put into a mental hospital because no one believes her that she can see the ghost of her great grandfather." Cas reiterates with a stoic voice and Dean has to hide a laugh. He makes it sound like he is reading the news, considering the drama that has apparently been going on, makes it all the more amusing.

"See Cas, if you want to learn anything about human and emotions, that's what you should be referring to." Dean stretches out his legs under the covers and if the motion causes him to slide an extra bit closer to Cas then that is not at all intentional.

"I don't understand. Am I required to impregnate someone and then challenge everyone for fatherhood?" Cas looks at him, dead-serious that Dean believes for a moment that he actually _is_. That is, until Cas' lips crack up into a smile.

"Did you just use _sarcasm_?" Dean asks incredulous and Cas' smile widens into a grin.

"I had a good teacher." He smirks and Dean has to admit that Cas is damn sexy like this. They're close now, heads turned so that they're looking at each other and Dean is suddenly aware that he can make out the individual hairs of Cas' perpetual 5 o' clock shadow. They're strangely attractive.

"Yeah?" Dean asks, voice husky and he can actually see the small shudder that runs through Cas' body. Cas' tongue darts out to wet his lips, a subconscious gesture, but it has Dean's blood sing hot through his veins all the same. He can't recall how they ended up in that position, or what it was he said last, all that matters is the soft sheen of saliva on Cas' lips, the slight flare of his nostrils as he takes a breath he doesn't really need.

"Yes." Cas says softly and Dean doesn't know if it is an answer to Dean's last words or a permission. Maybe both. And then that doesn't matter anymore either, because he can feel Cas' breath tingling on his lips and then there's the soft press of chapped lips against his and every other thought than ohmygodyesCas in his brain is fried as the sensation shoots through every nerve in his body.

The world centers on that moment, the soft pressing of lips against lips. It's innocent and brief and so much better than anything he's ever imagined. They break apart only shortly after, breathless and eyes locked on each other. Dean searches Cas' face for any trace of discomfort, for a sign that he didn't like it but all he sees is warmth and something that is painfully close to affection.

"Cas-" Dean breathes but he is silenced when Cas pulls him in again, hand clasping firmly at the back of his neck and this time the kiss is far less innocent. Cas' teeth drag over his lips, tongue following and it's only after a short moment of stunned shock that Dean regains his sense and kisses back. It's wild and sloppy and at the same time gentle. There's a soft moan and Dean can't say from whom, and it really doesn't matter.

He drags his hand down Cas' back, pulling him close until he sits halfway on his lap, Cas' hand carding through his hair. Cas moans again and the sound shoots right down into Dean's crotch. It's the hottest and filthiest sound he has ever heard, and his imagination shoots into overdrive as he thinks of all the things he could do to Cas to pull more sounds like this from his mouth.

Cas' hand grips tighter in his hair as he pulls at his lower lips with his teeth, blunt nails dragging over the fabric of that damned trench coat that somehow manages to still be sexy even though it's clearly in the way. He knows he's moving too fast, but it's so hard to restrain himself when Cas' cheeks are flushed red, when he's panting against Dean's lips and when all he wants is to push Cas down and rip all those clothes off him.

It takes all his self-control to push his hand up between them and gently break them apart. "Cas…" The look in Cas' eyes almost shatters his resolve, his eyes are hooded and his lips are slightly parted, shining red with Dean's effort. "Is this…" His thoughts are whirling and it's hard to focus with Cas being so close and he has to start again. "Is this really what you want?"

"Dean." Cas' voice is even deeper than usual , rough and gravelly and it does nothing to improve Dean's condition. "I have waited for this a long time." His hand comes up to rest on Dean's cheek and the look in Cas' eyes is nothing but sincere.

Dean is lost somewhere between Cas' words and that look, it doesn't make sense, all of it, it really doesn't make any sense. He has been pining over Cas since almost the get go and he has forced himself to accept that he's the only one, so how can it be that Cas is now looking at him like he is the center of his world?

"Are you sure?" It's a dumb question, the first thing that comes to his mind, but Dean has to ask, he has to know, because if that is true-

"Of course." Cas says and his other hand comes up to cradle Dean's face in his palms. "You are everything I could wish for Dean. I don't know if I even am supposed to feel like this, but I can't help it. I just can't stop thinking about you." How can he not believe those words when they're spoken with so much earnest and sincerity?

And then it hits him. Cas just confessed to having feelings for him, feelings that might go beyond his programming, feelings that are new and unknown for him and he has had those feelings for quite a while now.

He hates what that thought does to him. He can feel the burn behind his eyes, the quiver in his lips as Cas' face before him starts to blur. It's one thing to brace for rejection, for a joke maybe, that this is nothing serious, he could have done that, it was everything he dared to expect after all, but he can't handle _this_.

Cas' hands are still on his face, a gentle press and reminder that he's here, that he's not going anywhere and that everything he just said is true. "Dean, why are you crying?" There's worry and Cas' eyes are wide as he tries to understand why Dean could possibly be crying.

Instead of an answer Dean just pulls him in for a kiss, pouring all of his emotions, the turmoil in his chest and mind into the soft press of lips, his hands grasping into the front of Cas' jacket. He should say something probably, tell Cas what he feels, but he can't, the words are stuck and for now this has to be enough.

Somehow he ends up on Cas' lap, upper body pressed against Cas' chest and he buries his face in the nape of Cas' neck. He's still only wearing underwear and a shirt and Cas is still fully dressed but it doesn't matter, because Cas' arms hold him and he can feel Cas' lips in his hair.

"Since when?" he finally has the courage to asks, words mumbled against the soft curve of Cas' neck.

"Since the moment you told me you believed in me to get my emotions back." Cas' voice is soft, reverent almost and Dean has to close his eyes for a moment. That was such a long time ago, so much happened in between and all this time Dean has struggled with his own emotions. It seems so stupid now, all the time he spent worrying, all the time he struggled with the fact that he wasn't supposed to feel for a bot, while now he can't even remember why it was supposed to be a bad thing.

And maybe he still isn't supposed to feel for a bot, and maybe he will regret this later, but right now it feels good and Dean decides that he'd rather take the risk now, than pass this chance by and regret it for an eternity afterwards. Even he deserves a bit of happiness after all.

"Almost as long as I then." He says and smiles when he can hear the sharp intake of breath from Cas, can feel him tense up underneath him, before he slowly relaxes again, pressing a soft kiss on the top of Dean's head, fingers tightening where they hold on to him.

And every once in a while, Dean thinks, a chick flick moment might not even be so bad.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N:** I apologize for any inaccuracies regarding funnel cake, it has been 7 years since the last (and only) time I ate funnel cake. It was delicious and there was a lot of sugar involved. That's all I remember.

I miss funnel cake :/

* * *

Morning finds them in a more or less comfortable position, Dean lying half on his side, upper body twisted to rest against Cas' chest, who still sits with his back against the wall. Dean needs a few moments to blink the drowsiness out of his eyes and is then immediately hit with a strong sense of déjà-vu. Cas is watching him again, has probably for the whole night and even though there is still that warmth settled deep in his chest, Dean can't deny that this is definitely creepy.

And to be honest, who would want to watch someone else sleep _for hours_? Heck, he was probably drooling through half of it.

Dean's back hurts and his legs feel numb from the awkward position, and he spends at least a minute with stretching until his spine has popped back into place (that's at least how it feels) until he sits up and faces his pillow.

"Good morning Dean." Cas says with a soft smile and Dean'll be damned, Cas hasn't moved from his position from the night before, but he looks like he has been rolling through the sheets for at least a few hours, and Dean has to make serious effort to fight the urge to run his hands through Cas' hair, making it even messier than it already is.

"Morning." Dean tries a smile, and it doesn't even feel half as awkward as he expected. It's strange, Cas has fit so easily in his life as just as friends, but the transition from friend to _more_ seems even easier. Sleep watching notwithstanding.

"Dude, have you been watching me the whole night?" Yeah, maybe he was sleeping too, he should be able to go into some kind of standby, like the energy saving mode. Watching one guy sleep, can't be that entertaining.

"Yes."

Or not. Maybe Dean _is_ entertaining when he sleeps. Hopefully not.

"That's kind of creepy." Along with the fact that Dean sits half naked in his bed while Cas hasn't even lost his coat, although it is hanging half off his shoulders, and not to forget _that_ tie, you know the one that is perpetually the wrong way around. God, Dean can't decide if he wants to fix it or leave it as it is, because, let's face it, Cas is about the only one who can look like that and still be sexy.

It should be noted that Dean's thoughts right now are guided mostly by morning wood, not even creepy staring could chop down that tree.

Also, he probably shouldn't try to use metaphors this early in the morning, the result is nothing but embarrassing.

Cas seems like he doesn't know what to do with that information, he's squinting again. "I was watching over you." As if that would explain everything.

Dean shifts awkwardly to get the blanket to bunch in his lap, he doesn't want to spook Cas with his boner, first thing in the morning. It's not that he would be opposed to some kind of guy on guy action, but he feels like this is something special, that deserves care and caution, something he shouldn't rush. Cas has been through a lot, at least that's what Dean assumes, and judging from the state they found him in, he isn't so far off with that. Dean doesn't really want to think about what could have put him in that state, the possibilities are all scary.

Anyway, Cas has been through a lot and aside from his try at domestic life with Amelia he doesn't seem to have any real experience and even more important, Dean _wants_ to take it slow. He doesn't want to mess this up, he wants this to work more like he has wanted anything in a very long time. He doesn't want this to be a fling, a onetime thing like all the other 'relationships' he's had before.

And that scares him.

He has a long history of screw ups, it's what he does, he tries and he fails and he has long accepted that he will never have something great in his life, aside from Sammy. But Sam stands on his own two feet, and he has Jess now and he really doesn't need Dean anymore. So all Dean has showing for himself is his love for cars and old school rock music, and somehow he doubts that this is enough to keep Cas interested.

And just like that he can feel the doubts creeping in on him, telling him to give it up before he can get in too deep, before he can disappoint Cas and hurt himself in the process.

"Dean, what is wrong?" Cas is kneeling next to him, forehead creased with worry, and really now, he shouldn't worry Cas with his crap. He opens his mouth to say that it's nothing but somehow he can't bring himself to, not when Cas is looking at him like he's really listening, like he's genuinely caring.

"I just…" Dean runs a hand through his hair, he hates talking about feelings, it makes him feel insecure and vulnerable, he'd much rather pretend that nothing is wrong, force a cocky grin and hope that no one sees through it. But for some reason he's not able to do that with Cas.

"I don't want to mess this up." He finally settles on the truth. Honesty is after all the most important thing in a relationship. Cas is squinting at him again, and Dean knows him well enough to recognize it as Cas' universal sign of confusion.

"Dean, why would you think that you're going to mess this up?" Because he always screws up, because he's a failure, because even his father had always been disappointed in him.

Because he can't forget the look on Cassie's face when she kicked him out of her life.

Because this is serious and he has avoided everything even remotely serious like the plague ever since Cassie slammed that door in his face.

"Dean." How is it possible for Cas to lay so many different emotions in just this one word? Cas manages to put a world of meanings into his name and just that has Dean's heart throb in his chest almost painfully.

"I'm not good at these things." Dean finally allows, looking anywhere but Cas. "I don't know how to handle emotions, guess I just never learned it." There's a soft exhale of breath and Dean looks up to see Cas smile.

"Dean, you told me that I just needed to keep trying and I would get a handle on my emotions. Isn't it the same for you? That is no reason to not try it. There is nothing you could do wrong that would keep me from caring for you, there is no mistake you could make that I couldn't make as well. I don't know much, but I what I know for sure is, that the worst thing you can do is not try at all."

"It's not that easy Cas. You just forgot your emotions, but the potential is there. And god I really hate to talk about these things, and that's precisely the problem. I repress my feelings or I ignore them, because Dad taught me that feelings are a weakness, they just keep you from your goal. Feelings are for chicks and all that stuff."

"I don't understand what fowl has to do with anything, but are you really going to let your father dictate your life from his grave?"

It's out of line, it _should_ be out of line, Dad has never been perfect but he's done his best and no one is allowed to bad talk him. Only, Dean knows that Cas is right. He doesn't want to admit it, hell, most of the time he ignores all the bullshit his father has pulled and he just swallows down the negative effects it had (and still has) on his life, and Cas shouldn't have any right to talk about John when he never knew him, but Cas _is right_. There's no denying that, not when Dean knows it too.

"So tell me again why there should be any reason for you to mess it up." There isn't, fuck there isn't, not logically at least; there is just a big fat steaming pile of empiric data that proves otherwise (He actually picked that word up from Sam, who likes to throw around scientific terminology every now and then). But that doesn't change that Cas has a point. Sure, he has a history of failures, but he also managed to raise Sam more or less on his own, put him through college (with questionable methods, but he has no doubt that he would have found a way, even without Alastair), and that is at least something.

"So you are willing to try." Dean says, it might be revealing and helpful, but he'll be really glad when this emotional talk is finally over. He's just not comfortable with his feelings out on the table. At least his boner is gone by now, not that one more thing that makes him uncomfortable would make so much difference at this point.

"Of course Dean. I care about you, I really do. I haven't felt this much before, at least not what I can remember, and to put it frankly, you make me happy. You said so yourself, I should pursue the things that make me happy, I should take care of myself."

And really, who can argue with that? Certainly not Dean.

* * *

Dean isn't good with labeling things. It took weeks of thinking and over thinking until he shoved Cas into the friend-therefore-his-species-or-whatever-doesn't-m atter category. (Now he's moved into the looks-human-acts-human-who-even-cares-anymore-migh t-as-well-be-human category. Not that he kept notes or anything.)

He tries to find a label for what he has with Cas, but nothing feels quite right. It's a relationship of sorts, but that is really not helping, seeing that he also has a relationship of sorts with Sam and Bobby and even with his dentist if he decides to stretch the definition really wide. Dean absolutely refuses to apply the term boyfriend to Cas, it's just so young-adult-romantic-novel-cliche-y, and it just doesn't _feel_ right. And not just because what they have is so new.

They're a couple, maybe. Lovers? certainly not, Dean won't think of the L-word, not for a long time at least, he _feels_ for Cas alright, but he won't allow himself to jump into anything. So what does that leave, mates? As in mate for life?

Okay stop, everyone back on position.

Dean squeezes out the last suds from his hair as he stands under the hot spray of water. Showers are good places to think, and Dean's thoughts have run astray more than once now. Waking up in Cas' arms had been nice, despite the creepy sleep watching, and even the uncomfortable part of talking about their emotions wasn't so bad, well okay, it was bad, but it also cleared up a few things.

It left a lot of things in the dark, too.

How to label their relationship for example. Really, Dean thinks as he gets out of the shower and starts to towel off, why is he even so obsessed with labeling it? It is what it is, no matter what name tag he slaps on top of it. Cas isn't going anywhere, Sam can pick up his PhD, he has two stable jobs that he likes and his family all have find someone they like, everything is fine so far.

Except, it isn't.

But no amount of labeling, no amount of trying to fit their relationship into a category, can do something about _that_. Not even Dean actually knows what he can do about that. He doesn't know if Tom told anyone, if he's planning on coming back and, worse, if he's told Alastair. Dean wouldn't put it past Alastair to find some kind of loophole in his promise and find a way to bother Dean. In fact he expected something like that to happen way earlier than now, Alastair was a son of a bitch, but he was in all ways, effective.

There's nothing he can do about that, though. He can ask Ellen to ban Tom from entering the Roadhouse and he can ask Ash to make sure none of his personal data is accessible anywhere online. And he can hope that Alastair no longer has interest in him, he should have long lost it anyway, there are better fish out there than Dean ever will be, but it's Alastair, and Alastair never just lets people go. Especially if people know shit about him that could get him a lifelong prison sentence, and Alastair doesn't like loose ends, even if said loose ends can't sell him out without getting themselves into deep shit.

Dean stares at the abrasion on his shoulder, the skin is colored in shades of blue and purple and it will only be a matter of time until it'll tinge into yellow. The sight makes his fist clench and he wants to smash in the mirror. Sam has bought his bar fight excuse but not completely without a hint of doubt. He has seen the look Sam has given him, the 'really Dean?' look, showing more than anything that his brother hasn't forgotten how Dean used to come home.

Bloody and bruised and refusing to tell Sam what happened. And he clearly hasn't forgotten how Sam looked when the bruises became scarcer but the blood had stayed. He doesn't know however, how Sam looked when Dean stopped coming home altogether.

He only remembers the expression on Sam's face when he finally returned, the wariness and the distrust that took so long until it faded. Sam still doesn't know what happened, Dean knows he should tell him, but whenever he's about to, he sees the disappointment before his inner eye and the words die in his throat.

There's no way Sam could ever forgive him for the things he's done, not when even Dean can't forgive himself, when there are still nights when he wakes up from nightmares filled with screams and blood. All he can do is try to make it up, help people out whenever he can, be a good brother for Sam and maybe even by doing right by Cas.

And even if that might be a bit selfish, he deserves at least a try at happiness, doesn't he? (If only for Cas' sake.)

* * *

The transition from fitting Cas into his life as a friend to something more than a friend is smooth. He makes breakfast on that Sunday, pancakes with fresh blueberries and he takes extra care with Cas' coffee. They spend the day together, nothing special, just a mixture of reading together and watching a movie, and then that evening they all eat together around the table, Bobby, Jody, Sam and Jess, and it feels more like a family than it has for a long time.

Dean sleeps alone that night, mostly because he held Cas a stern lecture about watching people sleep and since Cas doesn't need to sleep they ended up with a compromise that leaves everyone unsatisfied. Dean keeps missing Cas' warmth and Cas spends the whole night thinking about Dean. Okay, granted the latter is nothing out of the regular occurrences of every night, but still, he could share a bed with Dean while thinking about him. So they settle on another compromise, Cas gets to spend the night in Dean's bed, but only if he puts his system into energy saving mode, getting as close as possible to sleep, while still being more or less receptive.

On Monday it's back to work and Cas insists on keeping him company, albeit he has to promise Bobby not to distract anyone from work. Tuesday goes much the same and Dean has to say he really likes the change in his life. But the best part certainly is the additional touching and kissing. Cas has some experience apparently, and he's eager to apply what he's learned from Amelia. And Dean is far too eager to assist him in that.

It's no surprise that Dean sleeps much better that night, and he doesn't wake up to the creepy sensation of Cas watching him, because Cas' eyes are closed, but he 'wakes up' the moment Dean starts to move.

Tuesday evening finds them, for once, not on the couch. Sam is at Jess' and Dean has decided to take Cas along to the annual car race held by the city of Sioux Falls. Bobby and Dean usually go together every year, sometimes accompanied by Sam, bickering about the cars and who's most likely to win. Last year Dean even participated but this year he didn't have the time for all the necessary preparations.

Jody has to attend because she's the sheriff and on duty, but she promised to check in with Bobby every now and then. Not that the boys can't entertain themselves with all the cars around.

As soon as they arrive, in Dean's car, Bobby gets dragged away to check over a car by one of his friends and Dean has time to show Cas the area. There are stalls where food and snacks are sold, even a few with merchandise and games and the area in between is already packed with people. The race track is sectioned off and guarded by a few bored looking cops and Jody, but the cars are parked outside for public access.

Cas looks around with wide eyes, excited but also a bit intimidated by the sheer mass of people. He's completely out of place again with his attire and gathers more than one confused glance, but neither of them cares. He's not the only one though, Dean also draws a bit of attention with the faded bruise on his cheek bone, but he's kind of used to that, so he ignores it.

"Dean, I'd like to try a funnel cake." Cas looks at him hopefully and Dean hides a smile. They haven't touched since getting out of the car, the whole thing still too new for Dean but he slowly eases into his new role, and buying Cas a snack is certainly a perk. He gets two funnel cakes, one with chocolate sauce and one with a hellishly sweet strawberry concoction that he gratefully trades off to Cas.

Only afterwards does he realize that they could have shared one (oh, the opportunities), but looking at Cas' face while he tentatively tries his cake and how his eyes light up at the taste, is definitely worth it.

"They're delicious."

"You never had funnel cake?"

"No, I never had the occasion."

"Occasion? Have you ever been on a fair?" Granted, this is not a fair, but it comes close.

"No."

"Well I haven't been either, not to a real fair at least. This is the closest I've ever come to one. We never had the time, we kept moving around too much." Dean remembers how there was this one fair in the city they were staying and how he begged his Dad to let him and Sam go. But John forbade it, insisting on it being a 'mindless distraction' and Dean can still feel the sting of his father's hand on his cheek when he dared to backtalk. They left the city the next morning and ever since then John had made sure that there was never a fair or a circus or any of the sorts in the area they were staying in.

And of course he had left it to Dean to explain Sam why they never got to go out on such events like all his classmates.

"We should go to one some time, there must be one around this area." Cas suggests, a drop of strawberry sauce on his lips as he licks his fingers clean from the sugar. That image does absolutely nothing to improve Dean's self control, if anything, it shatters it. And Cas isn't even doing it on purpose.

"Yeah, I'd like that." Dean says and his voice is much hoarser than it should be. He can't help it, the speck of red dances on Cas' lip every time he speaks, it's impossible to resist it. Cas' eyes widen in surprise when Dean's finger brushes over his lips, and he watches entranced as Dean raises the digit to his mouth and licks up the dot of red.

Before he can even properly gauge the reaction he inflicted, Cas has pulled him in into a kiss, rough and insistent as he presses up against Dean. It's cliché, certainly, but Dean feels like time has stopped for a moment. All he can think of, all he can focus on is the wet slide of Cas' tongue against his lips and it takes him far too long to react accordingly and open up to him. Cas tastes like strawberry and too much sugar, mixed with the chocolate taste from his own funnel cake but at the same time he tastes like Cas, like air heavy with rain, like that one flavor he can't name, but is so uniquely Cas.

The kiss ends far too soon when Cas breaks away to give him room for breathing. Dean realizes that they're standing in the middle of the street, surrounded by countless people milling about, and they get more than a few weird looks, but that could be attributed to Cas basically kissing his brains out in public. Really, that shouldn't make him this happy.

He doesn't hesitate after that to take Cas' hand and judging by the happy expression, he really doesn't mind. Dean finishes his funnel cake and buys them a stick with cotton candy to share afterwards. Cas is delighted by it and Dean spends his time watching Cas eating instead of eating himself.

"The races start in about half an hour, mind checking out the cars before?" Dean asks as Cas is busy cleaning his sticky fingers with a napkin. Thank the Gods of rock music that he doesn't use his tongue this time, Dean isn't sure if he can withstand any more temptation. Not after _that_ kiss.

He's been on some sort of edge ever since that day Cas came to him in the middle of the night. Dean wants to take it slow, nothing has changed about that, but that doesn't help that he easily gets horny, especially when Cas seemingly has no idea about the effect his actions have on Dean. It's even worse now that he's allowed to touch Cas, because now he has to put more effort into holding himself back.

There are small indulgences every now and then, and Cas isn't exactly shy either, but there's a difference between a kiss or a brush of knuckles against skin and pushing Cas' down face first and fuck him raw. Sometimes Dean wonders if there even is an in between or if all he's capable of doing is either shy and innocent or downright raunchy. And in between all this he wonders what it is that Cas wants.

"Of course." Cas beams up at him, generally content with the situation and Dean squeezes his hand without even thinking. It comes almost naturally to Dean. And Cas squeezes right back, it's exciting and assuring and for a moment feels like he could embrace the whole world.

So even Dean Winchester has a cheesy moment every now and then.

Dean likes this part of the race best, when he can get close to the cars and check them out. People know him, so they allow him to look under the hood and/or ask detailed questions and sometimes someone even asks for his advice. He's not as renowned as Bobby though, but he doesn't mind.

"Hey Winchester, heard you were too chicken to face me this year." Dean turns towards the voice, a grin spreading on his face.

"I wanted to give you a chance for once Isaac." Dean shoots back, Isaac grins and reaches out his hand.

"Haven't seen you in a while. Don't tell me you're scared of me."

"Been busy. Isaac, this is Cas" Isaac and Cas shake hands, Isaac throwing Dean a knowing glance while Cas just does his Cas-thing.

"Busy, huh?" Isaac winks at him as he throws Cas another glance and Dean can't decide if he should laugh or be mortified. He settles on neither and instead asks:

"So you're still driving that tin box of yours?"

"Says the one who drives a grandmother."

"Yeah yeah, I can hear the envy talking."

"I don't understand, how can you drive a grandmother?" Cas interrupts and Dean has to smile involuntarily at the serious expression on his face, as he tries to puzzle out the specifics of driving elderly people. Isaac just looks at Cas, then at Dean and then at Cas again.

"I think I need a beer." He comments dryly but doesn't make a move to get one. They wouldn't let him race if he had so much as a fraction of alcohol in his blood. It's hard to miss all the 'Be responsible' posters that hang around everywhere. Jody must have had a fucking field day hanging them all, knowing that probably half of the town ignore them anyway.

"Cas don't mind him, that's just friendly banter among car fanatics." Dean explains, nodding at Isaac to indicate that they're continuing with their tour.

"I'll come by to get my car checked in a few days, so clean out the front lawn." Isaac calls after him and Dean just waves a hand in the air.

His hand finds its way back into Cas' almost on its own accord and he has to admit that it feels quite at home there. He greets a few more acquaintances, checks a car here and there and while he's not busy doing that, he explains to Cas the inner workings of a finely tuned car race. Or something like that.

"Apparently this has started out as some sort of underground drag race, but then the city caught wind of it and instead of shutting it down they took over. Well the mafia wasn't too thrilled about that I've heard, but the general public loved the idea. There's still some illegal betting going on and of course illegal tuning, but it's mostly clean now."

Thankfully this had been too far away from Alastair's turf or else he would have tried to get his hands on it.

"You participated last year?" Cas asks and smiles at him. Dean isn't exactly sure if Cas is really interested or just polite, but either way, he's smiling and a warm feeling settles in his stomach.

"Yeah, but I only made third place. The competition is pretty tough and baby's not in her best years anymore." Not that it's easy to admit that.

"That's quite impressive." Cas takes a sweeping look over the amassed cars before he returns to watching Dean. "Is it dangerous?"

Dean shrugs. "It is, like every drive with a car, but there are precautions and we have a team of paramedics at the ready in case of emergency. And ever since the city took over, the drivers are required to absolve a safety drive test, you know emergency breaks and so on. Still, accidents happen."

Cas hums and steps closer, wrapping his arm around Dean's and resting his head on Dean's shoulder. "I'm glad you don't risk your life like that."

"'That so?" Dean asks, voice husky, Cas' declaration has taken him by surprise and the feeling of fluttering butterflies in his stomach intensifies. He should probably say more, but the words stay stuck in his throat.

"Yes." Cas' voice is equally hoarse and he keeps staring at Dean as if he is the holy grail. "I wouldn't like you getting hurt." Cas confesses and Dean's heart tries to relocate into his throat. He didn't expect the warmth that spreads throughout his body, he didn't expect Cas to have this effect on him.

He didn't expect a lot of things, and it still scares him a hell of a lot more than he would like, but at the same time it makes him feel warm and secure and he doesn't want to let go of that feeling ever. But what stuns him even more, is the sincerity with which Cas speaks. there is no doubt no hesitation, that Dean is, in fact, this important to Cas.

He's not used to this, to how Cas puts so much trust into him, not used to someone caring about his wellbeing outside of family. But then again Cas is pretty much a member of his family by now, so maybe it's not that hard to let it happen.

There's nothing he can say to that, he's too stunned by the revelation, that all he can do is pull Cas in for a long deep kiss. It leaves him breathless and he is loath to pull away, he'd much rather keep his forehead press to Cas' and stay there as long as it takes for him to drown in the deep blue of Cas' eyes.

Really, Dean should be worried, he's starting to get cheesier with every moment he spends in Cas' company. But he can't even remember why that should be a bad thing.

They have to separate eventually though, the first race is about to start and they need to clear the area. But Cas doesn't let go of his arm and so it's alright that they have to move, as long as they stay close together. Dean leads Cas to a nice spot at the rails, close to the start and finish lines as the first two cars roll up.

Bobby shows up just in time for the mayor, accompanied by Jody, to announce the rules and all the other nonsense that needs to be said on such occasions (safety blabla, donations blabla, everyone have save fun and so on). Jody has the honor of starting the first race with a shot into the air, a fact she clearly doesn't approve of, but the mayor nudges her forward, beaming brightly as he announces the procedure.

"My bet is on Dave." Dean says idly, leaning more against Cas than strictly necessary but fuck him if he cares about that now.

"Doubt so, got a look at his engine, it's a lightweight, no real power behind it. Mike's car is overall slower but he'll make good time on the initial acceleration."

"Have they shortened the track again?"

"Yes, keep telling them that this won't do, but some environmental activists complained about the disturbance to the lake so they cut that section short. Won't be long until they're racing in a circle."

"That's dumb."

"Tell me about it."

The mayor finally clears the area, causing a collective sigh of relief. He's a good guy, the mayor, but he has a knack for over long speeches and grand gestures. Jody steps in between the two cars and a cheer goes up in the crowd. Cas' hand tightens on Dean's arm as Jody lifts her gun, one finger stuck in her ear ash she counts down from three.

The sound of the gunshot gets drowned out by roaring motors and a flag of dust rises behind the vehicles as they speed past them. Bobby was right; Mike builds up an impressive head start right from the beginning as Dave seems to struggle to get into gear. They're out of sight soon and the people look up to the grand monitors that hang from the center tribune where all the important people sit, council members, the mayor after he's clambered up the steps and a few other snobs that don't like to mingle with the masses.

Dean can't really focus on the race, not with Cas standing so close, not with Cas' breath ghosting over his neck, not when he can feel the faint burn of Cas' warmth underneath his hands. Car races always make his blood sing in his veins, even when he's not participating, and now that fire has another fuel, the burn slowly spreading out from under his skin. He wants to drag Cas over to his Impala, push him up against the metal frame and kiss him until his face is flushed red. He wants to rip off his clothes and take him right there, spread out on the hood of his car, the growling of car motors in the background.

Loud cheering pulls him out of his day dream as the cars near the finish lines. Cas is watching intensely and therefore hasn't noticed Dean's short journey into his dirty fantasy. As predicted by Bobby, Mike drives over the line first, but it's a close call and there are already discussions springing up around them about how close.

Jody comes over around the third race, already looking exhausted. Bobby has produced a few bottles of beer from somewhere and offers her one, and even though she is on duty she takes one with an exasperated sigh.

"Some kids tried to sneak into the mechanic tent and then I had to listen to their parent's ranting about how I should loosen up a bit, they're just kids and nothing got broken, yadda, yadda." Jody explains after she has taken her first sip.

"I really don't want to know why they take their kids to this event, but the mayor refuses to put an age restriction on it. Too bad I didn't have an alcohol test on me, that sure would have been interesting."

"How old were they?"

She snorts. "Hard to say with these teenagers nowadays. I would have guessed around fourteen, but I could be wrong. At least the adults are behaving." There's the sound of glass smashing from somewhere behind them and then a few angry shouts. "Well most of them." Jody groans and hands over her beer to Bobby. "I'll better check this out. See you later." With that she presses a quick kiss to Bobby's cheek and heads off into the direction of the noise.

Dean quickly leans over and mimics her by pecking Cas on the lips, earning a surprised yelp then a hand to his collar that pulls him in for another, longer kiss. The effect is immediate, heat surges through Dean's body and the urge to push his hands over Cas' clothes grows overwhelming. But before he can do anything, he is interrupted by another round of cheers and then Cas' attention is on the returning cars again.

The cars clear the track and a man, the mayor's personal assistant, a bot, steps forward to announce a break for everyone to get refreshments. Dean turns to Cas and pulls him into his arms. It might be a test for his self control, but he wants to touch Cas now, and since he can't rip his clothes off, this will have to do. It's the first time they've hugged like that, and Dean decides that he really likes it. Cas is close, his breath tickling against Dean's neck as he tugs him in against his shoulder.

There are too many layers of clothing underneath his fingers for his liking, so he sneaks his hand under the jacket, dragging over the smooth fabric of Cas' dress shirt. Cas trembles under his hands and for a short moment Dean is afraid he overstepped some line but then he hears the slight moan, accompanied by a rush of breath and he relaxes.

"You feel good." Cas whispers and Dean can feel the curve of his smile against his neck. Bobby throws them one look and leaves to fetch another round of beer, but even though he's frowning, Dean can see the faintest hint of a smile tugging at his lips. He won't say anything, but Dean knows that Bobby is secretly pleased.

And that just hits Dean like a sledge hammer. With all his worrying he never thought about Bobby's reaction. He knew Sam would accept him, because Sam is his brother and he has made clear on numerous occasions that he will accept Dean, no matter what (even though he'll probably over think that, should he ever learn of some of the more questionable choices Dean has made), but he never bothered to wonder about Bobby. He had wondered sometimes, what society would think of his decision and then quickly decided that he doesn't give a crap, and maybe he had even worried what Bobby would say in some far off corner of his mind, but then Cas confessed his feelings and every concern and worry had been flushed away by the wave of happiness.

But Bobby accepts him, just like that, and Dean realizes with a start that John would have never approved of that. Not just because a bot killed Mary, but also because bots are _machines_, and maybe even because Cas is a male. The realization almost brings tears to his eyes, he's such a disappointment to his father, but he can't even bring himself to care about that. John has always made it clear that the least Dean could do was living up to his father's expectations, and he had failed that more than once, and Dean just can't beat himself up over that anymore. It's so tiresome to remind himself that he's a failure, because with John dead, there's no one else to do it and really it has only been Dean pushing himself down, for the last few years. And it must be enough some time.

"What's wrong?" Cas asks, voice thick with worry, and Dean realizes he's been shaking, hands clasping into the fabric of Cas' coat. He can see his reflection (barely) in Cas' eyes as he looks down and he tries to force a smile, but it feels shaky at best.

"I'm fine now." He says softly. Cas looks at him for a moment but then decides that Dean is honest and leans back against his shoulder. Dean feels warm all around and he knows that this feeling is most definitely more than just 'like', but he isn't sure and he doesn't want to scare Cas away by feeling too much too early and maybe he's really just overreacting because he made his first step away from his father's shadow. Either way, he doesn't say anything and just holds on to Cas' warm body in his arms.

The moment gets interrupted when the announcer-bot returns and declares the break to be over. Dean doesn't want to let go, but peoples are pushing past them to see the tracks and he's interested in anyone other than Cas witnessing his moment of weakness. Even though it doesn't feel like weakness at all.

They stay until the last race, arm in arm, Bobby and Dean discussing possible outcomes and generally having a good time. When they return to where the Impala is parked Dean thinks he spied Tom in the crowd, but then someone passes in front of him and the man is gone when the sight is clear again, making Dean wonder if he even was there. He soon forgets about the incident as he snuggles into Cas' arms in the backseat as Jody insisted on driving 'their drunk asses home'. She'll be staying over, so it wouldn't be much of a problem.

Dean doesn't really care; he's in Cas' arms and that is all that matters.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: **I'd just like to throw in a quick thanks to all you lovely fans out there, thanks ;).

* * *

The next morning Dean wakes to the blaring of his alarm (as usual), but he's more reluctant to get up than usual. Cas has somehow developed the behavioral pattern of an octopus sometime during the night and is now wrapped around him. Since he doesn't own any sleeping clothes and Dean refused to let him sleep in his suit, he's wearing only boxers and one of Dean's shirts. The sight is more than a bit distracting and Dean has a hard time unwrapping from Cas' grip, both because he doesn't want to let ago and because Cas apparently doesn't want to let go. He still hasn't figured out how the hell he's even doing it, he's not supposed to move much while in energy saving mode, but Dean wouldn't put it past him to wake up, wrap himself around Dean and go back to 'sleep'.

At least he's pliant and Dean can push him off with a bit of effort (extra stress on the effort). He would much rather stay and do… other things, but he has work to do and as clingy and cuddly as Cas is in bed, they haven't done anything further yet than intense kissing and Dean doesn't want to unlock that achievement with a morning quickie.

Shitty gaming reference? Yep, it's definitely time for Dean to get up and get his brain into gear, preferably with coffee. Cas mumbles something incoherently and rolls over the space Dean occupied moments before, spreading his limbs out over the whole bed. Dean shakes his head, maybe there _is_ a sleep mode or something, because that is certainly not the same behavior he had while his batteries were drained.

He leans over and presses a kiss to Cas' temple. "I'll see you at lunch." He whispers into his ear, but Cas pulls him down into another kiss before he can fully retreat. Cas flops down on the bed again and looks for all the world like he is asleep, but Dean is not so sure anymore, Cas might just have discovered the perks of lazing around in bed.

Sam is already up and rummages through the kitchen cabinet in search of breakfast most likely. Jody is busy cooking coffee, already wearing her gear and Bobby is knocked out on the kitchen table.

"Morning." Dean yawns once, and then goes to help his brother with.

Bobby just grunts, causing Jody to chuckle fondly. "Morning Dean, Cas still in bed?"

"Yeah, you could say that. If I didn't know it better I would say he's really sleeping." Dean pulls out the frying pan while Sam roots through the fridge for bacon and eggs.

"So, wasn't he sleeping?" Jody asks as she pours four cups of coffee.

"Well he's a bot, he can't sleep, can he?"

"Well our police bots don't sleep, but they're not supposed to be human like. I don't know about soulbots though."

"Soulbots have a sleep functions, it's a form of energy saving mode that includes typical human sleeping patterns." Sam explains as he mixes together eggs and milk, adding a generous amount of seasoning.

"What? Why didn't I know that?"

"You never asked. Anyway Cas asked me to check his functions, he wasn't sure if it would still work." Sam shrugs and pours the mixture into the heated pan. "By the way, I talked to him about the memory error. I can't say anything for sure without checking his system specifics, but from what he's told me; I'm pretty sure he's right. We should be able to fix it if we extract the data and sort through it manually. It's risky, but I can ask Jess to assist."

"I'll ask Cas later." Dean had been pretty confident that they would be able to fix it, but there had been doubts. But he trusts Sam, and when Sam says it's going to be alright, it's going to be alright.

"You should however be aware that this could change him." Sam cautions, voice serious and Dean really should have expected something like that. "Like people who have amnesia and develop a new personality after the memory loss, and when they remember their old life, they revert back."

"Yeah but we already know how he was before the memory loss, and how the defect of his memory core tampered with his emotions." Dean points out as he takes four plates from the cabinet. Jody and Bobby have been listening in to the conversation, but so far not contributed to it.

Sam shrugs and divides the scrambled eggs and the bacon on the plates. "You don't know what happened after that. I'm just saying there's a possibility."

"You don't really think that Dean would let that stop him?" Bobby comments dryly, coffee mug already empty.

"I guess not." Sam grins and shrugs again, "I just wanted to point it out."

"Cas will be fine." Dean stabs his eggs with a fork, he doesn't want to think about all the possibilities how this could go wrong, he wants to believe that they'll find a way. It's like he said to Sam, it's what they do, find a way out of every bit of trouble they get in. And even if his personality gets screwed up, he still will be Cas, just different.

Okay, even he knows how dumb that sounds.

"I'm sure he will." Jody pours Bobby another cup as she speaks. "He's a tough guy, I'm sure he'll pull through." Dean looks at her surprised, he's grateful for her words but he didn't know they were so close. "What? I know how to assess people, it's kind of in the job description." Jody shrugs. "He's a fighter, I can see that."

"'sides, you boys have pulled far worse shit than this, and yet here we are." Bobby adds. "If Cas can put up with Dean, a bit of memory damage shouldn't be a problem."

"Thanks Bobby." Dean says dryly, but he can't help the fond smile on his face. It feels good to have the support of his family, and now that he's decided to no longer live under John's shadow, it feels even better. He can't shake the guilt as easily as he'd like to, he's spent too many years berating himself for every single mistake and John's constant disappointment still sits deep, but he can allow himself this short moment of reprieve. And even without John's disapproval, there is enough shit on his ledger to supply him with a lifetime of guilt. He can't easily disregard _that_.

"Okay, it's time for me to go to work." Jody announces and puts down her coffee cup. "Don't do anything illegal while I'm gone." She says dryly as she leans down to give Bobby a kiss. Dean catches Sam's look of slight disgust as Bobby pulls her in for a deeper more tongue-involved kiss. It's not that they're not happy for Bobby and Jody, Dean simply doesn't want to spend more time than necessary (none for that matter) on thinking about Bobby and anything remotely sexual.

Oh and here it is, the undoubtedly traumatizing mental image.

"I'll go open the shop." Dean quickly puts his cup and plate away before he flees the room. He certainly didn't need _that_ to wake up.

* * *

Dean lies under a car and is in the middle of fixing the electrolyte line when someone knocks against the chassis. He rolls out from under the car and is greeted with a familiar pair of black slack pants.

"I brought you lunch."

"What, it's lunch already?" Dean frowns; he hasn't noticed how late it is. "So what did you get me?"

Cas lifts a plate with sandwiches and even from his position on the ground, they look delicious. "I made them myself."

"You made me a sandwich?" Dean pushes himself up and wipes his hands on the dirty rag that's stuffed in his belt. Wasn't there some kind of significance behind making sandwiches?

Cas frowns and checks the plate. "I made you two sandwiches."

Dean huffs out a laugh and shakes his head. He doubts this will ever get old.

"What's so funny about sandwiches?"

"Nothing, I'm sure they're delicious. Come on, let's go inside." He leads Cas into the office, where Charlie is lounging on her chair. "Cas made me sandwiches." Dean announces and presents the plate to Charlie.

"What did you do to deserve that Winchester? Get down on him?" She winks at Cas, who just squints at her in confusion.

"I don't understand. He did get down under the car, so am I supposed to give a sandwich to the car?" Dean bites in his sandwich in an attempt to stifle his laughter, but Charlie has no such reservations. She looks at Cas for a moment and then at Dean who's busy with his food and then she bursts out laughing.

"Yes Cas, you should make the car a sandwich." She wheezes once she has calmed down enough to speak.

"Sandwiches are apparently a source of great amusement, why didn't you tell me Dean?" Cas stares at Dean almost accusingly, causing another fit of laughter from Charlie.

"Right Dean, why didn't you tell him?"

Dean just groans and decides that his sandwich is a more amiable companion at the moment. Charlie finally concedes and explains the joke to Cas, which results in more groaning from Dean and a curious-embarrassed look from Cas that somehow ends up being sexy as hell.

Soon after, the lunch break is over and they get shooed back to work by Bobby. Dean goes back to the car he's working on, but he can't really focus on it. He has a hard time forgetting the look Cas gave him when they kissed goodbye. He keeps forgetting that despite his difficulties to grasp concepts like common sense and personal space, he supposedly has some experience with (sexual) relationships. He has never gone into detail about what happened with Amelia, but Dean has always suspected that it wasn't entirely innocent.

And even though Cas didn't know what 'going down on someone' means, he seemed clearly aware what 'sucking someone off' means - and how it works. Something flutters in his stomach when he thinks back to that look, there was something akin to desire in there, and maybe even a promise.

Maybe it's time to take the next step, but first they're going to solve Cas' memory problem.

* * *

It's four pm when he finishes his work and goes for a quick shower and a change of clothes. He has to drive Cas to his job interview and Bobby has given him off early for that reason. He finds Cas in his room, lying spread out on Dean's bed and reading a book. Maybe it's just him but it seems to Dean that Cas' behavior has become increasingly more human ever since they're together.

"You ready?" He asks and Cas looks up at him, hair messier than usual and for some unknown reason his cheeks are tinted pink. The sight is nothing short of hot and if they hadn't been on a schedule Dean would have done some definitely wretched things to him. Instead he tugs a finger under Cas' collar and pulls him up into a deep kiss, that probably includes more tongue than necessary but Cas doesn't complain so that's that.

Cas is breathless once they break apart, the flush deepened and he looks up at Dean from under half closed lids. "I read up on behavioral advice for job interviews and I have come to the conclusion that I am already accordingly attired, so yes I suppose I am ready."

Dean chuckles against Cas' lips as he presses another kiss there. "Remember you're applying for a job as a florist, not a tax accountant."

"I don't know what the appropriate attire for an interview with a florist is."

"You'll be fine Cas, don't worry. Just be yourself."

Besides, Dean has seen pictures from the florist's website, he seems to be a pretty chill guy, more interested in plants than what his employees look like. Or at least that's Dean's impression.

"I'm not sure, do plants require empathy?"

"Not that I'm aware of, why?" It's not always easy to hold pace with how quickly Cas jumps from one thought to another.

"It was advised to go through your strengths and weaknesses, and I came to the conclusion that I lack empathy. If plants need to be comforted, I don't think I'm the right one for the job."

"Cas," Dean sighs and scrubs a hand over the back of his neck. He clearly isn't the right one to give people job advice. "I doubt that your lack of empathy will be a problem, and even at the slight chance that it is, we can always find another job for you. Besides, job interviews are there to find that out. You can't lose, only make some new experiences."

Cas nods and Dean doesn't need to look to know that he's either frowning or squinting, probably both. "Thank you Dean." His voice is sincere and Dean can feel a small smile tug at his lips.

"Anytime Cas."

They reach the address of the florist's shop, a tiny building wedged in between a tailor and a pawn shop. The windows are filled with plants and flowers and the letters above the door are bright and colorful, spelling out 'Garden Eden'. The name's cheesy, but who cares. Dean parks on the opposite side of the street, checking his watch before he turns to Cas. "I'll wait in the car."

Cas looks a bit terrified, his eyes are wide and his hands clench around the seat belt. Dean sighs and reaches out to grab Cas' hand. He doesn't have to ask if Cas is nervous, it's plain obvious that he is. "How about I come in with you?" Dean suggests, squeezing Cas' hand in his. "You'll have to go through the interview alone, but I'll be close in any case." Not that he's expecting anything bad to happen, but if Cas needs emotional support, he'll get it.

"Come on." He prompts gently, leaning over to undo Cas' seat belt and press a reassuring kiss to Cas' temple. "Just give it your best, and if it doesn't work out, then so what? We'll just find another job. And remember, if you feel like this isn't the right job for you, then say so, it's okay." Somewhere in the farthest corners of his mind Dean feels remorse, that John never found words of courage for him like that. It's almost bitter to think that Dean (failing, useless Dean) would make a better Dad than John had ever been.

This time, the guilt about thinking badly of his father, is hardly noticeable.

The shop is filled up to the brim with plants, there's a lot of green and a few color dots where the flowers are stored. There's a shelf on one side with various decoration items and one entire shelf full of honey jars. The labels are self made and Dean assumes that this is the self made honey advertized on the shop's website. A couple stands at the counter talking to the owner, an elderly man with wrinkles around his eyes and a warm smile on his lips.

That must be Joshua then.

Cas and Dean wait politely in the background while Joshua finishes with his customers. Cas takes in the interior with wide eyes, but this time it's because of excitement and not nervousness. He's especially entranced by the shelf of honey, looking at each jar with curious intent, examining the labels on which Dean can see tiny pictures of different flowers and small sections of text, probably describing the contents.

"I see you like my honey collection." Joshua walks over to them, still smiling,, hand stretched out in greeting. "My name's Joshua. You must be Castiel, yes?" Cas looks from the outstretched hand to Dean as if looking for guidance and Dean has to mimic a handshake before he gets what's expected of him. If Joshua is perplexed by it, he doesn't show it.

"And you are?" Joshua turns from Cas to Dean, eyes crinkled up from his smile and Dean feels immediately reminded of the grandfather he never had. There's a minute frown though, when Joshua notes the faintly discolored skin on his cheek from the faded bruise, but his expression smoothes back into a smile almost instantly.

"I'm Dean, I am… uh…" Okay good question, what exactly _is_ he? From the way it looks right now, Cas' caretaker probably. But Joshua just smiles at him, understanding twinkling in his eyes.

"It's alright, I understand. You here for moral support?" Dean just shrugs and grins, rubbing a hand over the base of his neck.

"I suppose so."

Joshua turns to look at Cas and smiles at him. "A nice companion you have there." Cas blushes slightly, his eyes trail to Dean and his blush deepens.

"Yes." His voice is raspier than usual and for some reason he can't meet either of their eyes. Joshua just chuckles and waves them over towards the back of the shop.

"Come on you two, how about a nice cup of tea?" Dean is a bit surprised that he is included in the invitation, but so far Joshua has been pretty unconventional so he figures, why not. The back is even more stuffed with plants in pots and flowers in vases and lots of other stuff, but it has a homey feeling to it and Dean instantly likes it in there. There's another door at the end of the room, from which a faint buzzing sound can be heard.

They sit down around a small table that has a half finished floral wreath and a lot of grass stalks on top of it, but Joshua just shoves everything aside to make room for a tea service. He takes a tea pot from its place on a small warmer and pours them each a cup. He then puts a small container with honey on the table. Dean sits down on one of the chairs but Cas is too transfixed with the various knick knacks in the room, looking at the plants, going through the various tools lying scattered around.

"I like your shop." He announces once he has finished his examination and is drawn back by the (admittedly) delicious smell of tea. Dean is more a coffee guy, but this tea really smells good.

"Thank you." Joshua says warmly as he raises his cup to take a sip. "I've spent most of my life in here, but my hands aren't as strong these days, and my eyes grow tired."

Dean takes a careful sip of his tea, there's still steam coming from the pot, and he's not interested in burning his tongue. After deciding that it's still too hot for his taste, he sets the cup down and adds a bit of honey for good measure. Cas on the other hand seems to have no temperature problem, drinking his tea in deliberate sips.

"I grow the leaves myself." Joshua explains as Cas sets his cup down, a small content smile playing on his lips. "And I harvested the honey myself." He points with his head in the direction of the door. "I have my own garden out there, along with a few bee hives."

"Yeah I remember reading that on your home page." Dean nods and takes another sip of his tea. This time it's cooler and he can actually taste it. "That's good." He lets out, more surprised than he probably should be.

"Thank you." Joshua refills his own cup, that Dean didn't even notice he'd drained. "I'm not a fan of business talk, but I suppose there's no way around this." He smiles almost apologetic when he sets his cup down. "Why do you want to work here, Castiel?"

Cas looks up at Dean, the slight look of terror back on his face, but before Dena can do anything, Joshua is talking again. "Don't worry, there are no wrong answers. I figure from your reactions that you already like it here, I just want to hear it from you in your own words." He smiles reassuringly at Cas.

Dean slips a hand under the table to squeeze Cas' leg in reassurance, earning him a grateful smile. "I'm not sure." Cas starts, an almost unnoticeable frown on his face. "I don't really have any experience with working and I don't really have any education, but when I saw your job description online, I felt like this is something I would enjoy." A shy smile tugs at his lips. "And I really like bees."

Dean has to stifle a laugh when he hears Cas' words, combined with the face he's pulling it is almost too much. Cas looks like he has found the ark of the covenant or something. Joshua seems equally surprised but then he chuckles softly, a pleased expression on his face.

"You should be aware though, that my people skills are rusty." Cas obviously doesn't like to talk about it and Dean rubs his leg in a reassuring gesture. This might jeopardize this possibility, but they owe it to Joshua to be honest. "I had a defect with my memory core and ever since then my system has been fallible."

"Nothing bad." Dean quickly amends. "He just is a bit rusty, but he has learned a lot of things."

Joshua frowns and there is a crease of worry on his forehead. "It's nothing serious, I hope." The concern in his voice is genuine and he keeps looking at Cas with a worried expression.

"No, at least we don't think so. So far he's been alright, just a bit out of the loop."

"That's good to hear." The crease lines smooth out and he's smiling again, there even seems to be genuine relief in his eyes. Dean is positively baffled. "You don't have any experience with either bees or flowers, I suppose?"

"No, but I could download the manuals." Cas quickly looks at Dean, almost shyly, as he suggests it.

"That won't be necessary. Such things are best learned directly. I would love to work with you Castiel." Cas' eyes are wide with surprise but then he looks at Dean who squeezes his leg again and his expression breaks out into a wide smile.

"Thank you Joshua." Cas blinks a few times, before looking at Dean again and he almost laughs at the barely contained joy on his face.

"You're really okay with hiring a bot?" Dean asks, causing Joshua to burst out into quiet laughter.

"I don't discriminate, as far as I am concerned, Castiel here is as human as I am. Or would you disagree?" He asks and actually winks at Dean.

Dean grins and shrugs, there is really not much he can add to that. But it feels good that someone else is coming to the same conclusion as he is.

"Anyway, how about we discuss the details of our work arrangements now? I can show you the bees afterwards." Cas' face immediately lights up and he looks so freaking happy that it makes butterflies dance in Dean's belly. Sometimes he thinks, he could really live for these moments, when Cas looks like he's the happiest man on the planet, even more so when he's looking at Dean with that expression.

* * *

Cas is positively beaming on the way to the car, and his smile gets even wider when Dean suggests to buy him a cell phone. "You know in case of an emergency, or when you get off early." Or when you just want to talk. He doesn't say the last part, but part of him wishes he'd had. It's still hard for him to talk about his feelings, about what he wants, and he's not sure if he'll ever be able to overcome that.

"I would like that, yes." Cas smiles at him and Dean just can't help but lean in for a quick kiss.

"I'm proud of you." He whispers against the curve of Cas' lips, before he presses another kiss on it. And before he can stop it, he adds: "You are so damn sexy." His voice is breathless, he doesn't even know why, all he's done is kissing. Cas shudders under his hands, and Dean hadn't even realized that he moved closer until he was touching Cas.

"Dean." Cas breathes, and there is a husk in his voice that sends a shiver down Dean's spine. His fingers trace over the back of Cas' neck, dragging along the collar of that damned trench coat. Half of the time he can't decide if he likes the coat (the fantasies he had with that thing) or if he hates it. It's in the way but at the same time Cas looks so incredibly hot in it.

They're still parked across from Joshua's shop, but Dean can't really say he cares right now. Cas lets out a low growl from the back of his throat and Dean's grasp tightens. The sounds Cas is already making spark his imagination about what he might sound like when sprawled out under him.

"The things you do to me." He presses a kiss to the side of Cas' lips, breathing in the faint scent that sticks to his skin, so uniquely Cas, faint and yet intoxicating. It takes all his willpower to pull away. There's a time and a place for this, and the Impala parked in front of a flower shop is neither.

Cas' fingers cling to him, his skin is flushed and his eyes are half closed, but the most alluring thing is the tremble of his half open lips. They're pink and plush and Dean would have never thought he could be this attracted to a pair of lips (And to the body that is attached to it).

"Come on Cas. There's a cell phone that needs to be bought somewhere." He gently eases Cas' hands open and slides away from him, back behind the wheel.

"Won't you finish what you started?" Cas asks with a growl to his voice, looking at Dean with an expression that leaves him breathless. It's everything he can do not to move back into the space between Cas' arms, instead he grips the steering wheel and thinks something unsexy. Even though his body is pretty much demanding attention, Dean is pretty sure he doesn't want to do this in his car. Don't get him wrong, car sex is awesome, but it's also cramped and awkward, and certainly not the right place for this.

"Not here." He promises, licking his lips subconsciously as he sees the heated look in Cas' eyes.

Dean doesn't exactly have the cash to afford a new cell phone, not yet at least, but he figures that with his new job and maybe a lease, and since Cas insists on contributing his share (once he gets his first paycheck), it shouldn't be so bad. Despite their earlier urgency to get on as quickly as possible, Cas spends quite a lot of time looking at the various offered models. Dean can't really complain because he gets to hold Cas' hand throughout the whole time.

Cas finally decides on a model that he likes and that is not too expensive, and after they've sufficiently listened to one of the vendors prattle on and on about contracts, they're finally able to leave the store. Substantially poorer but one cell phone and in extension, one extra happy Cas richer.

They way back is spent with Dean's music blaring from the speakers and Cas fiddling with his new phone, that, thank goodness for advanced sciences, is solar fueled, thus doesn't need to be plugged in first. Dean supposes he will have to look it over later, and check his settings, because he's not quite sure if Cas got it right the first time. Especially not when he asks the mechanical voice from the voice mail recording why he's supposed to say his name.

As much as Dean would like to drag Cas right into bed with him, his rational mind tells him that he needs to eat something first, especially when he plans on engaging in some rather exerting activities later on.

Jess' car parks in the driveway Dean pulls up his baby next to her. Cas seems to have figured out his new phone and puts it into his pocket, before he climbs out of the car to follow Dean inside. As expected, Jess is there in the kitchen with Sam, helping him with cooking and Bobby sits in his usual armchair, filing through a stack of ancient looking books.

"You're right in time for dinner." Jess smiles when she sees them enter, Sam just randomly waves a hand in the air without looking, too fixed on the pot he's stirring in. "How was the interview?"

"Pretty good, Cas got the job."

"Joshua was very friendly." Cas smiles and goes to help Jess with the plates.

"So what's for dinner?"

"Spaghetti with meatballs." Sam pulls the pot from the stove and finally looks up to acknowledge his brother and Cas. "Congratulations Cas."

"Thank you Sam."

Dean goes to fetch another chair, since they're going to eat around the kitchen table, while Jess and Cas put on the plates and silverware. Sam puts the pot in the middle and Bobby abandons his reading in favor of pulling beer out of the fridge. It's as much of a family dinner Dean can hope for, only Jody's missing, but it's close and that's enough. Cas' knee keeps brushing against his', or maybe it's the other way around, but Cas is giving him heated glances and Dean might or might not suffer from a boner almost half through dinner.

They finish dinner quickly and after going through the necessary routine of cleaning up and small talk, Dean excuses himself with the reason that he's tired, and no one gives it a second thought when Cas follows behind.

It's awkward to say the least. Dean has experience with bringing one night stands to sleazy motel rooms, never bothering to know more than their names, getting right down to business the moment the door closed. The mood from earlier in the car is gone, and Dean finds himself fidgeting with the hem of his shirt once they're inside his room. He feels like a teenager all over again.

"I'll go brush my teeth." That's probably a good thing anyway, good old routine and all. He spends more time than necessary in the bathroom, brushing each tooth with more care than usual, and all that just because he doesn't know what to say. Cas is not just some fling, some mindless fuck he'll regret the moment he wakes up, he's… well, he's Cas.

Dean gives himself a look over in the mirror, running a hand through his hair until it looks vaguely satisfying. There's nothing to be done about his clothes though, he didn't bring any change with him, so he'll have to do with what he's already wearing. Not that Cas would even care what he's wearing. He grimaces at his mirror image, he's over thinking, and that is never a good thing.

Cas is sitting on the edge of the bed, hands folded in his lap, waiting patiently for Dean to return. It's a somewhat ridiculous sight, Cas in his full outfit, coat still on, sitting on Dean's bed, ready for whatever it is they'll get up to. He looks up at Dean, when he enters the room and somehow Dean feels instantly calm.

He sits down besides Cas, close enough to feel the closeness, but not close enough to touch. It's comfortable and for a moment Dean allows himself to just breathe in Cas' presence. All his worries seem so dumb right now.

"Is this really what you want?" Dean asks, fingers twitching as he contemplates resting his hand on Cas' thigh.

"What do you mean with 'this'?"

Dean makes a vague hand gesture, pointing at him and the room in general. "You know, this, me." _Do you really want me?_

"Yes Dean, I want this." There's not a single hint of doubt in his voice. He reaches over to take Dean's hand in his, smiling softly at him. "I wouldn't be here otherwise."

"That's good." It really is and it makes Dean feel warm and fuzzy all over. "You know you can talk to me, right? About the things you want and don't want, about what you think." He'll ignore for now (and probably ever) what a cheesy line that is.

"I want to kiss you Dean. May I kiss you?"

Dean's chuckle is swallowed by the brush of Cas' lips. His fingers tighten their hold on Cas' and he scoots that extra inch closer that has their bodies press together. Cas' other hand finds its way to the small of his back, urging him closer, and Dean shifts so that he turns to face Cas. He trails a hand down Cas' leg and pulls him up and onto his lap, all without breaking the kiss.

Cas moans softly against his lips and Dean presses his tongue against the seam, prompting Cas to open up and let him in. Dean has still the light taste of mint in his mouth from the toothpaste, but it's soon chased away by the curl of Cas' tongue.

There's a fire under his skin that is fueled by every little press of Cas' fingers against his back, by the swirl of his tongue against his own, by the sharp puffs of breath that he can't distinguish as his or Cas'. The heat coils through his body, setting of a tingle that can only be soothed when Cas touches his skin, and he's in a sudden frenzy to get Cas' coat off, to get closer to the skin underneath.

He's hungry like he hasn't been hungry for a long time, his heart is drumming in his chest and he can't get enough of the taste of Cas' on his lips. There are so many sensations at once, and Dean doesn't know on which to focus, so he just allows himself to get lost in the flow. Hands tug at his shirt and then there's the feeling of Cas' hand against his skin and he breathes out a low moan that gets caught in between Cas' lips.

"Are you sure?" He whispers against the stubble on Cas' jaw, pulling away slightly to push off the coat completely, but he pauses halfway through the motion to await the answer. Cas seems ready, but Dean wants to, needs to hear it to continue.

"Absolutely."

That is all Dean needs to hear. He pulls off the coat, dropping it to the floor unceremoniously and drags his hands over the front of Cas' shirt. The jacket soon follows suit and Dean hooks his fingers under Cas' tie. Cas' eyes are blown, his breathing ragged and to Dean he looks downright delectable.

Cas drags his nails over the plane of Dean's back, a hungry glint in his eyes. Dean's hold tightens around the tie and Cas' eyes flutter closed as he sucks in a shaky breath. "You like that?" Dean growls against his lips, and Cas shudders again. Dean twists his fingers, tightening the chokehold even more and the sound that punches out of Cas' chest goes straight down to his cock.

"Didn't think you were this kinky." He drags a finger down over Cas' Adam's apple, noting offhandedly how lifelike it feels. Cas shudders, breath coming out in short puffs, hands digging into Dean's hips as he tries to hold on.

"Dean…" Cas' voice is a broken whisper, lips trembling and Dean immediately lets go of the tie.

"Cas, you alright?" Dean cups Cas' jaw in his hand, rubbing a thumb over his cheek. He's afraid he's gone too far, he should have known better to do something like this right at the first time. "I'm so sorry Cas."

"No Dean. It's alright, I just…" Cas' eyes are wide, panicked almost, but he leans into Dean's touch. "It just feels weird."

"What does feel weird? When I pull your tie?"

"It feels good, I think." Cas frowns, as he reaches up with his own hand to tug at his tie. "I just feel like there's something wrong, but I can't pinpoint what. I feel like I should run away but I don't know why." He looks at Dean as if he could give him all the answers, there's so much trust in his eyes it makes Dean's heart clench with emotion.

"Maybe," Dean almost chokes on his words, because the implications are there, and he doesn't want to think about it, he doesn't want to think that something like this could have happened to Cas. "something happened to you, something involving your throat. Maybe your body remembers and tries to warn you." He feels the sting of tears in his eyes, he's angry and terrified at the same time and he can't even begin to imagine what Cas must be feeling. "I'm sorry."

"Dean." Cas hand comes up to rest on Dean's, squeezing gently. "It's not your fault." Only when Cas' thumb brushes over Dean's cheek does he realize that he's been crying. He can't help it, his mind just went into overdrive, imagining all the things that could have caused this. The possibilities leave him nauseous.

"I'm fine, just confused. I don't know what happened." Cas reassures him and leans forward to press a gentle kiss on Dean's cheek.

"Okay." His voice sounds hoarse, but he's in control again. He's certainly not helping by losing his shit at every sign of trouble. "I want you to know that I talked to Sam and he told me that he thinks you can fix your memory problem. It might help you remember but it might be something you don't want to remember."

"I know, I thought of that too. I'm not sure, yet."

"That's okay, take your time. Just make sure it's what you want. I'll be behind whatever decision you make."

"Thank you Dean."

"Anytime Cas. What do you want to do now? It's up to you, okay?"

Cas smiles and pulls him in a hug. "Can you just hold me, please?"

"Everything you want." Dean pulls down his shirt that has ridden up from Cas' ministrations, but shies away from undoing Cas' tie. "Should I help you with your shoes?" He asks and at Cas' nod he leans down to pull them off. They lay back on the bed together, Cas' head tucked under Dean's chin and Dean quietly hums 'Hey Jude' under his breath. His mother used to sing it to him whenever he couldn't sleep (and no matter how many songs he hears, Dean still thinks this one is the best to help someone to sleep), and he feels like Cas could need the reassurance.

"I'm sorry." Cas says after he has finished the song. Dean carefully pushes back to look at Cas.

"For what?"

"You didn't get to…" He doesn't finish but Dean understands anyway.

"Cas," he says softly, resting a hand on the other's cheek. "Don't ever think that sex is the only reason I'm doing this. You're important to me Cas, and it's fine when we take it slow." And really, Cas' smile is the only gratification he needs.


End file.

Supernatural, Romance