Mass Effect The Ilos Incident: The Rashomon Effect

A/N:_ The** 'Rashomon Effect'** is the effect of the subjectivity of perception on recollection, by which observers of an event are able to produce substantially different but equally plausible accounts of it. _

It is named for Akira Kurosawa's film _Rashomon_, in which a crime witnessed by four individuals is described in four mutually contradictory ways. The film is based on two short stories by Ryūnosuke Akutagawa, "Rashōmon" (for the setting) and "Yabu no naka", otherwise known as "In a Grove" (for the story line).

(Definition provided by Wikipedia.)

* * *

Commander Rachel Shepard was desperate for sleep.

The visions from the Prothean beacons made her nightmares of Akuze seem almost pleasurable. The revolving images of an entire species wiped out in horrific agony, ran through her mind every single waking night. She couldn't sleep. Though the adrenaline rushes that carried her from battle to battle kept her sharply focused in the field, Virmire proved it wasn't enough. Perhaps, she thought to herself time and again, if she had some sleep, Williams would still be alive. Instead, a valuable crew-mate was lost.

Dr. Chakwas, that formidable soul, tried everything. When pills failed, she tried injections. She even tried some herbal remedies Liara had suggested. Nothing worked. Shepard never told Liara how those mind melds made her brain and spine fill with white hot fire. She never told Dr. Chakwas how Akuze and the deciphered Prothean beacons' visions became all one twisted image that kept sleep from her grasp night after night. She simply stopped talking about it and let them believe it helped. She needed sleep and she knew one last ditch effort of how to get it before they tackled Ilos.

It was an option she promised herself not to deploy on the_ Normandy_. One she started using after Akuze when the first nightmares appeared. In truth, it was a method she used as far back as her youth on Earth, though she didn't like to remind herself of that. Luckily, she didn't need to find a mark; he had been interested from the moment she stepped on the ship.

Commander Rachel Shepard knew how to do this all too easily. It was like a long-con for the Reds. Pulling herself away from conversations she was actually interested in with Joker, with Tali, even with Wrex. Leaving the banter that came so easily with Garrus, she squared her shoulders and headed toward Kaidan's console as though it were another mission sent to her by the 5th Fleet. She acted like she was interested in what he had to say; she acted like his shy, fumbling attempts to flirt had an effect on her. She let him believe she cared for him more than just a crew-mate. She laid on the honey and waited for him to follow so she could spring the trap. It wasn't for money, she reasoned with herself. It wasn't even for her pleasure. She just really needed to get some fucking sleep.

In retrospect, she should have heeded the old adage not to shit where she ate.

* * *

Kaidan was nervous as he stood in front of the Commander Shepard's door. Breaking regs went against everything he believed in. But the way she listened to him, so intently; the way she looked down as though she were as embarrassed as he was, every time he slipped up and let it show how much he adored her; the way she leaned in to him as she stumbled before Joker and his bad timing interrupted a stolen kiss. He had to tell her how he felt, now, before they reached Ilos.

As he stammered out his feelings for her that night, he saw the desperate need in her eyes, the husky pitch of her voice as she said all the right things in all the right ways. When he finally pulled her to him, he felt her tremble in his arms. He didn't need any more encouragement- the Commander, his warrior goddess come to life, wanted _him_.

He kissed her softly, running his hands over her lightly, reverently. He wanted this to go slowly, so he could worship every inch of her being, devote himself to her pleasure. He wanted to show her he loved her.

But she was insistent, returning his affection with almost brute force. She barely let his hands caress her breasts through her Alliance issue BDUs before she whipped off his belt and jerked his pants down.

"Commander," he breathed heavily, surprised and almost questioningly, breaking her frenzied kiss which he could no longer keep up with. She stopped, abruptly, looking at him for a moment, but she had dimmed the lights too low for him to see anything but a brief flash in her eyes. He thought it was desire. With a sigh that made him burn with longing, she leaned her forehead against his shoulder, as though she were suddenly abandoning herself to his will. He felt her entire body tremble with what he could only presume was expectant lust. Kaidan pulled into a tight embrace and, every-so-slowly, he resumed his ministrations.

* * *

When Kaidan came into her room the night before Ilos, she was shaking with fatigue. She tried to sound alluring, even making a double-entendre to his confession, but her voice was low with exhaustion. _Will he ever shut up or do I have to do everything?_ She looked up at him from her desk, silently pleading with him to end her misery. Surely, for one night she could stop being Commander _goddamned fucking_ Shepard and just get shagged to sleep.

He was going about it too goddamned slowly. Shepard didn't want to make love. She didn't even want to have sex. She needed, to be brutally honest, to get fucked. She wanted someone, anyone, to literally take her, to relieve her of command, to let her mind go blank. She grabbed hold of him, urging him on. Pushing her kisses deeper, forcing him closer. She jerked off his belt and pushed down his pants before she could think; before she could be reminded of how unspeakably cruel she was being to him and his emotions. She ignored the warning voice in the back of her mind that told her not to toy with his affections. She told herself she needed this. She needed to sleep and another night of wakefulness could cost the _Normandy_ another crew-mate. It was her duty to keep them alive and she couldn't concern herself with their feelings. Not if they wanted survive. She couldn't let herself think about his fragile heart, his openly-bared emotions. The crew needed her in top form. If he would just-

"Commander," he broke away from her, panting with exertion and lust, but his voice was concerned and questioning.

Her eyes flashed with anger for the briefest moment before she looked down in the nearly-black space between them. Why, _why_ did he have to stop, to remind her who she was to him, to all of her crew? Why couldn't he have let her remain the Rachel Shepard that she was before she became a Spectre, before the weight of an entire ship's- no, an entire galaxy's well-being, was laid squarely on her shoulders. Why couldn't he let her be that woman who did this out of necessity, without thinking about the consequences or caring about the feelings of the other party involved for just a few moments longer; a few moments that would have possibly pushed her over the edge and into sleep?

She felt a wave of nausea pass over her. She couldn't fool herself. She was using this poor boy- for boy was how he seemed now; so open and honest, so believing of her, so faithful in his trust and adoration. He acted like she was some ancient, forgotten goddess that deigned to spend the night with her adoring mortal worshipper. She sighed, dipping her head forward as her vision wavered from unending wakefulness. Her forehead bumped against his shoulder as she tried to push through the vertigo; she shook with fatigue and self-disgust.

Shepard didn't stop him as he began to kiss her again, to let his hands explore her slowly. She tried to respond properly, but felt nothing. Inanimate with exhaustion and numb with self-hatred, she let Kaidan have his Commander Shepard for the night.

* * *

When it was all over and Shepard was curled up far away from Kaidan's sleeping form, it became clear that no sleep would come. She bitterly told herself it was what she deserved; to let him have her after she knew it would be of no use, to pay the piper for her foolish dance. She knew, for all misguided her efforts, it wouldn't be sleep, but fathomless self-loathing that would be her companion instead.

Shepard forced herself out of bed to collect her things for the showers. She tried doggedly to ignore the thoughts that endlessly looped in her brain: Her parents' death, her time with the Reds, what she lost on Akuze, the horrific images from the Prothean beacons, and the newest addition to the nameless, faceless men who paraded in her mind's eye since the Reds, since Akuze. All those men who failed to see her as herself, except one. The one who didn't was a dissolved memory on Akuze, and the newest was still in her bed.

As the hot water ran over her shivering form in the shower, she cursed herself, reprimanding herself that none of them had failed. She had. She was still Rachel Shepard of the 10th Street Reds, only slightly better than a whore. With a violent shake, she fell to her knees and retched, having nothing in her stomach to empty.

* * *

Kaidan awoke, uncertain of where he was for a moment. The bed- Shepard's bed was empty. He started to sit up when he saw her, freshly showered and dressed, the lights still dimmed, sitting on her desk. He could see how tensely she held herself, and he began to grin, remembering their reckless abandon the night before, thinking perhaps she was embarrassed now. Remembering how she seemed to struggle at first to give up her command, then suddenly, just when he said her name, she gave herself up to him. How quiet she had been! Maybe she was afraid of the crew hearing them. He hadn't managed to get a sound out of her...

As the Commander began to speak, Joker called for her to the bridge.

He _had_ said her name, hadn't he? He didn't call her 'Commander' in the throes of passion, did he?

Kaidan saw her get up to go, and shook his head to clear his self-doubt. He loudly, fiercely promised his Commander if something should happen to her...

But Shepard had already assumed her full height and turned away; squaring her shoulders as she left straight for the bridge. Kaidan leaned back in the bed, bewildered for a moment. Then he smiled to himself. It was a silly thing to do, to swear to protect a warrior like that. She needed no protecting.

She was Commander Shepard.


End file.

Mass Effect, Angst, Hurt-Comfort