Harry Potter 1. Mascara

**My Instructions:  
Sirius/Hermione; rating = T  
Marauder gen. Time Travel.  
Include: Ladiesman!Sirius; a conversation with McGonagall that involves the nickname "McG" and/or "Minnie"; an extended scream; the use of a mascara wand somewhere, for purposes other than mascara-ing; an embarrassed Remus. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these wonderful creations of JK Rowling, but I enjoyed our time together anyway. Sirius will always be my ladies man, and Remus was a sweetie and James was, well, James. It was marvellous.**

**Mascara**

**

Oh. Holy. Mother of Merlin, Hermione thought as she watched the cobbled stone floor of the Entrance Hall blur into a grey swirl; the young Gryffindor boy's hex had barely grazed the hair of the Slytherin he had been aiming for, and, apparently, the spell didn't react kindly to Time-Turners.

The petite muggleborn had thought that her need for the obscure, gold, magical instrument had passed, but the Seventh year had brought with it NEWTs - and Hermione Granger was never one for doing something at less than one hundred percent – and her inanimate friend from Third year was returned, with a hefty wad of papers detailing what could go wrong, and the penalties should one of the mentioned problems arise.

Now, however, Hermione had no clear sense of what was happening, except that it couldn't be good, and it most likely, would have taken her somewhere inconvenient, as her luck would have it.

The enormous stone interior came back into focus, albeit without the crowd from her present time. A lone girl – Ravenclaw, judging from her robes – stood motionless and, seemingly, stupefied, her eyes were enormous and rather like a deer in the headlights of a semi-trailer, Hermione thought.

_Well, now I know it's not anytime near the present,_ Hermione was certain she knew the majority of the school, at least by face if not by name.

"Hello." Hermione ventured, smiling at the clearly frightened girl. It seemed to pull her from her stupor, as she shook her head and backed up several steps.

"How did you do that? You can't App-"

"Apparate or Disapparate in Hogwarts, I know." That didn't have quite the effect Hermione had hoped for, as the girl was now giving her a look that positively screamed panic.

"I was practicing a Disillusionment Charm." She inserted, hoping the girl didn't know the whole of the Gryffindor House by name. The girl narrowed her eyes, and Hermione mentally crossed her fingers.

"Oh, that makes sense, I suppose. Although, try and refrain from just materialising in front of people like that; it's not funny, not at a time like this." The Ravenclaw responded, before turning on her heel and leaving Hermione alone in the large space.

When she'd disappeared from sight, Hermione let out a heavy sigh, only to be startled by a man's voice behind her.

"Well played, my dear, but it will take more than that to explain your arrival to me." Hermione spun, to come face to face with her Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. His eyes were twinkling, as per usual, but they held a wariness that she'd never seen directed at her.

"Headmaster!" She exclaimed, to his apparent great amusement. "Erm, I do need to speak with you, sir. If you'd be so kind..." She told him, trailing off at the end of her request.

**

When Dumbledore had told her the year was 1977, the brunette witch had almost fainted, but she had buried that feeling and proceeded to explain what she could to the Headmaster who, in turn, agreed to help her in any way possible. This included the inception of a plan that involved Hermione's integration into school life, naturally, with the help of Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall – whom Hermione was dreadfully pleased to see, whether the older woman knew her or not. They held a strong relationship in the future which Hermione wished to retain here in the past.

Given that Hermione was muggleborn, she, Professor McGonagall and the Headmaster had decided that it would be prudent she keep her name and project a lie that she had attended a co-educational magic school in Australia, where she'd lived with her English parents before their untimely death the previous month. They had been good friends of Professor McGonagall, and she had ensured that her safety and self was to be well cared for by bringing her to Hogwarts to complete her education and build a new life, with her in England.

It seemed to cover everything, and it hid her in plain sight. She would become just another student.

"Well, then our newest Gryffindor, I think I'll let you settle in, again, as it were." Minerva smiled gently. "I'll take you to your Common Room, now. Introductions to be made, and all - better now than breakfast in front of all the other houses." She suggested wisely.

The trip had been uneventful, Peeves had flown by, curious about the Transfiguration Mistress's companion, but he had left soon enough, off to find 'ickle firsties' he told them – McGonagall frowned resignedly at the poltergeist who was now zooming away from them, across the ceiling, singing raucously.

The Fat Lady, surprisingly hadn't been snoozing when they arrived, but that had been the least of her problems. For at the exact moment the two women turned the corner to see the portrait, four boys – one with a mop of scrappy black hair and glasses, another with patched-up robes and a book, a small, rotund blond boy, and an elegant dark haired boy – exited.

"Minnie, darling, it's been too long! You know how I adore your visits." The boy began waggling his eyebrows suggestively, but the rest of his greeting was stifled by an ear-piercing scream. The boys' hands flew to cover their ears, and Professor McGonagall flinched violently at the unexpected outburst.

Hermione slapped her hand over her mouth when she'd recovered her wits. She had known, of course, that being in the 70's indicated that she would be attending school with people she knew as _adults_ – or in this case, people that she _had_ known as adults. But somewhere between acknowledging that and understanding it, she had managed to completely forget that these people included, namely, James Charlus Potter, Remus J. Lupin, Peter ' the rat' Pettigrew, and, one, Sirius Orion Black; ladies man. She was at school, in 1977, with the Marauders themselves.

It took a moment after she finished screaming to notice that Sirius was looking decidedly pouty, as James laughed outright and Remus sniggered behind his hand. Peter merely looked confused. And rather startled.

"You've had some denials Sirius, mate, but nothing that extreme." James gasped out, between laughs. Sirius scowled, before returning a winning smile to his aristocratic features.

"Minnie, you haven't introduced us to your lovely friend." He spoke, ignoring the intermittent and rather unattractive snort from James as he did so, gently grabbing Hermione's dainty hand. "I am Sirius Black, at your service, lovely lady." He smiled charmingly, planting a kiss on her knuckles. She supposed she would have been sufficiently charmed; had she not been exposed to the cheeky Marauders for a solid period of time, in the particularly confined location of Grimmauld Place. That, and the fact that he had been dead. For two years, in her present time.

Other than that, she considered, she would certainly have been charmed.

Hermione gave a tentative smile in return, and was then accosted by James, who gave a similar introduction. Remus inclined his head, telling her his name, and then Peter's, who blushed and looked away, which made it a great deal easier for Hermione to ignore him (in place of murdering him where he stood, as she so desperately wanted to at that moment).

Professor McGonagall looked as if she would have liked to roll her eyes at the boys' antics, but she merely explained that they would come to know in good time if they returned into the Common Room.

Hermione, despite loving to be the centre of attention when divulging information, hated being paraded as she was now. Thus, they had made the process rather quick, and the Marauders had somehow managed to assert to the entire Common Room that she was their new best friend and were playing an obscure game of Twenty Questions that didn't actually involve 'Questions' so much as 'Answers' - primarily in the categories of 'Far-Fetched' and 'You Wish'.

Hermione had spent the majority of the time absorbing information and surreptitiously glancing at Sirius, whose whole demeanour was drastically different to the emaciated, harrowed and lost man who had escaped Azkaban. Of course, in the future he had displayed bouts of this character, but it had been, for the most part, buried deep inside of him.

The petite witch only realised she'd been staring when Sirius caught her eye and winked, a smirk painted on his face. Her cheeks coloured lightly, but she was saved from further embarrassment when a red head with green eyes that she knew too well interrupted the game.

"Hi Hermione, I'm Lily Evans, Head Girl." She smiled and put her hand out for Hermione to shake. She complied and smiled back, despite the disconcerting sense of looking at Harry.

"Nice to meet you."

Lily was something else entirely. James wouldn't do anything against her, although according to the soft mutterings of Sirius and Remus in her ears this was a new development after he'd obtained the position of Head Boy, to the ginger girl's Head Girl. He'd finally figured out that being mature could pay off just as well, if not better, than pranking the girl and being a general pain in the rear.

So, Hermione, what was it like in Australia? I've always wanted to visit." Lily asked, curious to find out more from the new girl.

Hermione paused, wondering how she should proceed.

"It was a lot warmer for one thing," she said, and smiled, "but the culture is so very different from England, what with the convicts and isolationism. Although, I did have an advantage: having two English parents." She added a sad little smile and thought about her own parents, back in her real time, and wondered whether anybody knew what had happened; whether she was creating new memories for people, a parallel universe, or whether this had already happened – because, after all, she was near thirty years into the past.

Only Lily was particularly interested, so soon enough the conversation turned tail and Quidditch became the topic of the evening.

"I can't believe – no - I _don't_ believe you don't fly!" James exclaimed, looking as if somebody had kicked his puppy. "It's the best thing about the Wizarding World." Lily coughed to cover a snort of laughter, as Hermione remained reclined while she vehemently supported her choice not to fly.

"Are you saying, that if I threw you out that window", James pointed to the window to their left, pushing his glasses higher up his nose, "with my Comet you wouldn't be able to fly?"

Hermione raised an eyebrow, her mouth twitching as she fought off a smile.

"Why, Mr Potter, are you insinuating that you'd throw me out of that window?" The boy could have been Harry's double, but not moreso than at that moment when he looked positively aghast at the suggestion, much as Harry had when he'd accidentally suggested that Ginny wasn't as attractive as Fleur. That had been a highly entertaining week for the females in Gryffindor Tower, although, sadly, the boys had all sided with Harry in sympathy.

"I never said that!" James denied, pink in the cheeks, as Sirius stood flamboyantly.

"Prongs, how could you!" Sirius shouted, as if he had been personally slighted. "Suggesting such a thing…to a woman of such calibre." He tutted at his mate although it was clear to everyone that his eyes held nothing but laughter.

"I must entreat you, good sir, to a battle! I will not have you dishonour my beloved in this way." Hermione looked greatly amused. Sirius had always been entertaining, but not like his. Like this, he was downright hilarious; creating fun for the benefit of his peers – and himself.

Sirius made a great show of inspecting the cushions, but apparently decided they were too girly, as he suddenly alighted across the room towards two Fifth year girls who had been – up until Sirius' arrival – fiddling with Muggle make-up.

When he returned, with a triumphant smirk plastered on his face, Sirius pulled his hands from behind his back, holding two 'maybelline' mascara wands.

James' grin matched his, and he joined his best mate on the floor with a flourish, grabbing the electric blue mascara wand.

"I accept your challenge." The two Gryffindor poster boys' faces were falsely serious as they took position in what was now the centre of what could only be called a fight-ring. Hermione rolled her eyes good-naturedly at them but accepted Remus' hand up to take pride of place at the foot of the stair case.

They looked expectantly at Hermione, and she sighed.

"You may begin."

The mock-fight was the sort of thing that attracted attention, and that it did: the whole of Gryffindor had filled the Common Room, tussling with each other to get the best seat for the show.

It hadn't disappointed.

Sirius whipped the lid off his mascara wand, throwing it to the crowd – or at least to a bunch of highly excitable thirteen year olds who had made a right old riot – and made several faux-passes at James, who followed through with the same flinging-of-mascara-lids, but turned to Lily and raised the small container in front of his face in salute to his 'lady-love'.

Lily smiled strangely, and waited until he'd turned back to Sirius before snickering, and sharing a knowing look with Hermione. Both girls turned their attention back to the floor, watching as James began some awkward stabbing motions with his mascara. Only one wasn't blocked by Sirius, who, as a result, gained a bright blue, striped smudge on his left cheek.

"You are a strong warrior, but I tell you this; I will have at you, just as you do me." Sirius parried, and manoeuvred gracefully in a perfect prima donna pirouette before dragging the soft bristles over James' nose, adding a black mark to his mate's skin.

They had to stand close together, what with the mascara being shorter than a hand-span, but it only added to the excitement and entertainment value of the boys' deeds as they flailed and stabbed and drew all over each other in a wild show of highly obscure honour.

Somehow, Sirius managed to distract James and mash the mascara bristles together, hooking James' weapon and thrusting his hand away, causing the make-up instrument to be thrown across the circle. He held his own to James' neck.

"Victory." Sirius remarked, smirking, and he bowed to the extensive audience who applauded but then, deciding the fun was over, returned to whatever they had been doing beforehand.

It never ceased to amaze Hermione – for similar things had happened with Fred and George Weasley –that while it was easy to make a distraction, the Gryffindors would always be able to drop it on its completion and go back to business without so much as a 'what the bloody hell was going on there?' She smiled fondly and watched Sirius gather the mascara lids and hand them back to the giddy looking Fifth years, that he'd effectively commandeered them from, charming and flirting to avoid trouble.

Hermione laughed, a rich sound, and he looked up at her and winked, looking positively devilish as his dark hair fell into his brown eyes. She blushed prettily in response and averted her gaze.

**

Hermione supposed it was because she'd done it all before, but she felt very at home and had settled into Hogwarts of 1977 superbly. She spent her time with Lily and the Marauders, studiously ignoring Peter, and making pointed remarks if she absolutely had to speak to him, flirting with Sirius and teasing James. She talked intellect with Remus and was introduced to Alice Hopkins (Neville's mother, Hermione concluded when taking in the blonde's kind, round face). It had been a particularly heart-breaking moment when Frank had collected her, and they'd kissed in greeting, apologising for nicking his girlfriend away.

It was in the library with Remus that she found herself, working on a Potions essay, while slyly taking in Remus' health. The full moon was coming up, and she wanted to make sure he was alright.

"So, I heard about your furry little problem from James, but I want you to know that I _know_." She began, testing the waters. Remus tensed slightly before relaxing, but her keen eyes spotted it. He wasn't entirely sure if she meant what he thought she meant so he answered carefully.

"He's a blight, that one."

"I hope everything goes smoothly for you; your friends are very good in doing what they do. I've gotten you something, by the way." She slid over a bar of Honeyduke's finest chocolate, having ordered it by Owl Post earlier that week. "Oh, and, just so you know, it doesn't bother me in the slightest." She smiled, squeezed his hand, and he realised that, somehow, she'd worked it out. Because you didn't give new friends expensive bars of chocolate two days before the full moon after finding out that they owned a badly behaved rabbit.

He allowed himself to smile; Hermione was the second girl who had found out his secret and hadn't cared in the slightest. Wondering if she'd consider being an Animagus too - she was certainly intelligent enough to attempt it, and powerful –he packed his satchel and followed the route she had taken back to Gryffindor tower.

**

Sirius had pounced on the undercover were-wolf as soon as he'd entered, his Padfoot senses kicking in and picking up on his bookish friend's good mood.

"Who's the lucky lady, Moony?" He all but yelled to the room, and Remus went red as those closest turned to see his response. Nosy housemates.

"It's not like that, Sirius, and I'm certain that you know it. Cut it out." Remus hissed, willing his embarrassment to disappear, but it was barely a threat thanks to the pitiful, wounded look Sirius wore, pleading the were-wolf to part with his deepest secrets. Except that he kind of already knew that one, so he was really scavenging for information about Girls; his primary joy in life.

Remus dragged his friend across the room away from eager ears hissing, "Quiet, mutt. Yes, it's a girl, but no, it's not like that." He glanced around to see if anybody was within earshot, before muttering softly, "It's Hermione." Sirius waggled an eyebrow, but Remus spotted the millisecond of jealousy in his eyes.

"She knows about my furry little problem." Sirius' eyes widened.

"And you're happy?"

"She doesn't care. And I know she wasn't talking about the rabbit."

Sirius looked impressed, and turned to spy Hermione in the opposite corner with Lily and Alice - the group were working on homework. Brainiacs; the lot of them.

"I wonder how she figured it out. I mean, she hasn't been here that long, and there hasn't been a full moon yet." He pondered, tapping a finger against his chin. Remus fiddled uncomfortably with the hem of his robes.

"I'm slightly worried she knows the rest of it too." He murmured, more to himself than Sirius, but the other boy heard and spun around to glare at him.

"What?"

Remus grimaced. "She managed to imply that she understands you, James and Peter are all doing something very brave and wonderful for me at a certain time of the month."

"That witch is far too smart for her own good." Sirius surmised. "But we don't know for sure." He shrugged and left Remus to think as he made his way fluidly over to the ladies.

"My darlings, how are we tonight?" He asked, oozing smarminess.

Lily grunted, at which Alice giggled, as Hermione smiled up at the fit boy. "Hello, Sirius. We are doing wonderfully. Just as we were this morning, at lunch, in Potions, in the library, and at dinner." Sirius scowled, but discarded the expression quickly.

"I can't help it snookems. I just care about you so much."

Hermione snorted as daintily as she could, and raised an eyebrow.

"Pumpkin Pie?" Sirius tried.

"Muffincakes?"

"Honeybunch?"

"Cupcake?"

"Angelcakes?" His brow was furrowed, but he was rescued from thinking up anymore awful nicknames as Alice interrupted, laughter in her voice.

"What's with the cake obsession, Black?"

Hermione laughed, her eyes twinkling, eerily reminiscent of Dumbledore's. Sirius pouted.

"You like cakes, don't you, Hermione?" Shaking her head ever so slightly at his silliness, Hermione sighed, a smile on her face, and took the hand that Sirius proffered her, telling the other two that she'd be back later.

Letting him pull her out of the Common Room, Hermione relished the sensation of Sirius' hand engulfing her own, his thumb rubbing gentle circles.

Sirius directed her into an alcove relatively close to the portrait of the Fat Lady, and hugged Hermione tightly, albeit rather unexpectedly.

"Thank you for telling Remus what you told him. It means the world to the bugge. And having another someone not care about his lycanthropy-"

"Oh, I thought he had a rabbit." Hermione interrupted. She couldn't maintain the serious facade for long, bursting into laughter at the panic-stricken Sirius. "I'm kidding!"

Sirius cuffed her head gently, "that's not funny - what if you hadn't known and I'd just blabbed that out!" But he smiled back at her laughing face.

**

The full moon had come and gone, and Hermione noted the reappearance of Remus two days later, looking only vaguely exhausted. She pitied the man, the boy, really. She had tried to talk to him alone but the other Marauders were sticking to him like limpets to a rock, and while it was inconvenient, she had to admire their closeness and protectiveness towards each other.

It was becoming difficult now, however, what with Sirius acting like the excitable puppy he was (inside anyway) running through the near-empty corridor with James and invading her personal space frequently.

"Down, dog-boy." Hermione laughed, and swatted at the black haired figure. He ceased moving at her words and it took her a moment to realise what she'd said wrong; in the future, the nickname 'dog-boy' had been an affectionate one for Sirius when he was being a childish – puppy-like – pain in the neck.

Sirius' eyes filled with suspicion but Hermione pretended not to see and giggled as she continued down the hallway.

The almost stumble had Hermione thinking about the future Sirius, and the holidays when he had taught her, and the boys the basics of Animagus magic. Only Hermione had been ready at that point to push any further, and she had done so in secret, sneakily asking questions of Sirius when she needed. She suspected he had guessed what she was up to but he never brought it up and so she let it lie.

Her first full transformation had happened several weeks after his death at the Ministry, and she had been fascinated by the animal. A tawny fox had occupied the spot she had been standing in moments before, and Hermione had spent an hour or so adjusting to the strange sensation of having two sets of instincts and curiosities.

Hermione wondered whether she should talk to Remus. Tell Remus the truth about herself. She had puzzled over his future self, trying to work out if he seemed more familiar with her, but she wasn't able to come to any concrete conclusions. It was that decision that eventually encouraged her to talk to him.

Deciding to ambush the boy in Transfiguration, Hermione sat herself in the space normally occupied by Peter, but she couldn't have cared less about him in that moment and so she merely gave what she hoped was a polite smile and ignored his upset expression. He was worse than Neville, but she didn't particularly want to let him have help. Call her vindictive.

James' arrival with Sirius was rowdy, as usual, and ten minutes had been wasted when a hex was thrown, causing Jemima Tenney to begin singing like a bird, and Sirius had had to apologise profusely to Professor McGonagall – although the sincerity was doubtful as he'd winked saucily at her when he'd finished and spent the majority of the lesson referring to her as 'McG', and 'The Mighty Transfiguration Queen'. Suffice to say, the flattery was not successful. Although, it had given Hermione an opportunity to scribble notes to Remus; asking him to meet her after class. He'd nodded in response.

With lunch immediately following the class, they had easily lost the other three Marauders, and Lily was preoccupied with Alice, who was gushing about Frank. Again. It was almost sickeningly sweet.

Remus, being the casual and collected individual he was, waited for her to suspend pacing and sit on one of the desks, with only his raised eyebrow indicating his intrigue.

"You know I know about you, Remus, but you know barely anything about me."

"That's not true. We were given a rather in depth introduction and you've answered many que-"

"You don't know the truth about me." Hermione clarified, interrupting her friend and wincing as his eyes narrowed.

"Pray, tell me the truth then, Hermione." He requested, with a wariness that had been employed around her before. She didn't like it.

"Have you heard of a Time-Turner?"

Remus nodded; confusion in his expression as Hermione pulled the tiny device out from her robes.

"I was using one in 1997, when I was hit with an unknown hex that reacted badly with the magic of the bloody instrument, sending me back in time, to your present, which is now." She scowled at the golden object, not seeing Remus' expression of incredulity.

"You're from the future?" He asked, disbelievingly.

"Yes." She replied, slightly disgruntled, but happy that he hadn't outright defied her argument, as strange as it was.

"Why have you told me?" He asked. "Do you know me?"

Hermione looked innocently at him. "In a manner of speaking, Professor Lupin."

She smirked, before laughing when he blanched.

"Don't worry, Remus, it was only for a year, and we're friends in the future anyway."

"Holy Mother of Merlin." The reply came as Remus sat heavily on the closest desk. He stared at his hands for a moment before turning his penetrating gaze to Hermione. "Anything else I should know?"

Guiltily, Hermione nodded. "Erm, there are now four unregistered Animagi in Hogwarts."

"You're having me on."

"Why would I lie about that?" Hermione scoffed, and in the same breath transformed into the light brown fox with which she was so familiar. Remus slid off the table, and knelt beside her as she sniffed him and nuzzled into his gentle hand as he petted her small head.

He moved away to allow her to return to her human shape, and smiled at her when she did so, hugging her petite frame.

"It's nice to have someone else who doesn't care about my…affliction." Remus told her bushy hair.

"It doesn't define you Remus." She answered wisely. "I'm glad you believe me. I've been going insane with only the Headmaster and Minerva as my confidantes."

**

"Finally, the bookworms join us!" James crowed over the din at Gryffindor Table, his mouthful of potatoes on show to the entire hall. Lily slapped his arm gently in admonishment.

Sirius looked suspicious again. He'd been like that since a couple of days before the full moon. Hermione refrained from frowning and seated herself beside him, brushing her thigh against his accidentally.

"We need to talk." She told him pointedly, although she didn't meet his eye.

**

Somehow, despite having arrived later than the others, Hermione finished her meal before Sirius and waited patiently, until he released his utensils, before half-dragging him in silence to the Room of Requirement.

Awkwardly, when she entered, the lighting was dimmed and the whole feeling was utterly romantic. She rolled her eyes when Sirius, waggled his eyebrows.

"Why didn't you say so, darling munchkin."

"Oh, hush." Hermione sniggered. "That's not what I was going to tell you. What I was planning on telling was that, firstly, don't look so wounded every time I talk to Remus. There's nothing going on. And secondly, I'."

"What?" Hermione drew in a breath.

"I'm not from Australia. I was accidentally sent back in time from 1997. I'm an unregistered Animagus – just like you – and the only thing I've ever felt for Remus is admiration for a teacher and a friend – in both of our timelines."

Sirius was bewildered but managed to concoct a sentence.

"Prove it."

Hermione sighed and transformed, wrapping her lithe form around Sirius' ankles. She felt his large hands envelop her as he lifted her to his chest, and she nuzzled into his neck happily. Sirius scratched behind her ears, and she closed her brown eyes as his chest rumbled with speech.

"Proof accepted."

She made a happy little fox noise and licked at his throat.

"Well, you're just the sweetest thing, aren't you?" She jumped gracefully away from him, returning to human form before she hit the ground.

Smiling at the boy before her, Hermione sat back on the desk, preferring it to the seat. She was alone only for a second because, a moment later, Sirius had planted himself between her knees and was snogging her as if she was the only thing holding him to the earth. His hands moved to rest on her waist, and their tongues fought for dominance as they met in a fiery passion.

Hermione lifted her arms, snaking them around Sirius' neck and burying them in the hair at the nape of his neck. The black haired charmer relinquished her mouth, peppering kisses along her jaw.

When he pulled away, the tears that had built up in Hermione's eyes were threatening to fall.

"Hermione, what's wrong?" Concern laced Sirus' voice.

In one fluid motion, Hermione had launched herself at him, her face pressed tightly against his chest as she hugged him. The response was muffled by his robes.

"You've no bloody idea how long I've wanted to do that."

Sirius wrapped his arms around her tiny figure and kissed the crown of her head.

**Naw. My brain is slightly fried…which made the end read rather peculiarly. Sorry about that – but I'm not doing another multi-chap (not yet anyhow!).**


	2. Regression

**Some of you persuaded me to write some more… but they won't be like a chronological multi-chap, more like excerpts from Hermione's time in 1977. Ca va?**

**Instructions #2:  
Marauder Gen. De-Ageing.  
Include: a Viking helmet; a chase; teeth marks; a nap.**

**Disclaimer: ='( They's'not mine. *--sniffle.**

**Regression**

Hermione was sitting with Remus at the front of the classroom, diligently taking down the notes Professor Slughorn had conjured on the board, while James and Sirius propelled tiny rolled pieces of paper over their heads at Alice and Frank. Peter had chosen to discontinue his study of Potions.

Slughorn's rotund figure wandered through the aisles, commenting on people's work and allowing them to start the production of the Wrinkle-Softener potion that was the subject of the day's lesson.

Remus had already collected the necessary ingredients, and Hermione was confident as she'd made it once before, perfectly, when Snape had been Potions Master – many years in the future. It also helped having Remus as her, highly competent, partner. It certainly made life easier compared to having Neville.

While she crushed the shrivelfig, Hermione glanced behind her to see Sirius stabbing his knife between his fingers, trying to increase his speed without slicing off any digits. He ceased his actions when he realised Hermione's brown eyes were upon him, smiled cheekily, and looked away; the picture of innocence. Rolling her eyes, she turned back to the front where Remus was stirring the liquid in the cauldron.

"It's time to put in the crushed shrivel-"

The rest of Remus' sentence was cut off by an enormous, explosive bang, followed by the manifestation of a rather putrid-smelling orange vapour that hung in the air at about waist-height.

"Everybody stand still!" Slughorn yelled over the noise, waddling over to the scene of the accident: the shared cauldron of James Potter and Sirius Black.

The two boys had, seemingly, vanished from their seats behind the desk, and the class stared dumbly at the empty table, confused at the happenings.

With a wave of his wand, Slughorn banished the vapour and its stench, and moved towards the boys' vacated chairs. Finding a rag-tag bundle of black fabric – robes, it appeared - Slughorn bent to poke the one of the two significant lumps with his wand.

"," screamed the squirming black mass.

Moving faster than the students had ever seen him travel, the Potions Master threw himself backwards just as a small, pudgy, pink hand found its way out of the tangle of robe. It was followed straight afterward by a mop of black hair as a wide-eyed, bespectacled boy of about two clamoured out of the fabric to sit on the restrictive material, his left hand at his mouth, sucking on the middle and ring finger.

The girls cooed, and the boys sniggered at the Professor's earlier attempt to flee. Slughorn paused in the process of extending his wand to perform an identity spell, combined with a general health check.

The other half of the robes let out several ear-splitting screams, and continued moving until a particularly violent manoeuvre up-ended the free child, allowing another dark haired boy to climb out of the black school robes.

The most recent child had black curls, an adorable pout, and several very sharp baby teeth, as Slughorn discovered rather quickly as the boy latched onto his extended wand with surprising strength and speed; like a dog with his favourite stick, Hermione thought.

"Petrificus Totalus!" The brunette witch cried, directing the spell at, who she assumed was, a De-Aged Sirius.

The boy froze, and Slughorn set the child down before carefully extricating the wand from his jaw, looking decidedly frazzled. He stared at the wooden object, taking in the dents caused by the baby teeth. A near perfect semi circle of bite marks. He wiped off the spittle with his robe, and performed the spells, waiting for the red ribbon to arrange into the children's names.

Indeed, Sirius Black and James Potter had managed to De-Age themselves.

**

"Remind me why we have to look after these two animals?" Hermione asked Remus wearily, having finally caught the two year old Sirius after a fifteen minute chase around the empty Gryffindor Common Room. He was giggling madly, and Hermione held him tightly as she flopped into the plush two seater lounge, exhausted. Remus was seated opposite, reading a storybook to James.

James was far and away the better behaved of the two, preferring games that involved strategy over running and books over physical exertion. Hermione supposed Remus had known this, because he had been right quick to pick up the bespectacled child when Professor McGonagall gave them guardianship over the pair, leaving Hermione to run herself ragged caring for the Devil's Spawn, as Professor Slughorn had, almost affectionately, dubbed Sirius.

"Because the potion should only last a day or so, and we can't send them to the James' parents - what with them both working." The were-wolf supplied, letting James turn the page.

Hermione scowled, and then winced as Sirius wriggled and elbowed her in the breast in yet another escape attempt, laughing all the while until suddenly he quit struggling.

"Ha-Minney!" The boy cried. "Let's play a game! I want to be the Viking, and you can be the tinsel-" Sirius rattled off.

"The what?" Hermione asked, perplexed as to what her role as a 'tinsel' would entail.

"You know…the tinsel! The tinsel in distress: the princess in the castle!" He explained, as if she were daft, and Hermione let out a silvery laugh as understanding dawned over her.

"The 'damsel', Sirius," she corrected, shaking her head at the excitable child, "the '_damsel_ in distress', not the 'tinsel'."

Remus covered a snort with a cough.

"Oh, hush, you." Hermione admonished gently, before agreeing to Sirius' game suggestion.

"I want a viking helmet, with pointy bits so I can be scary and raaaarrrrr…" Sirius begged, traipsing past the witch with his hands clawed, looking like he was performing a crude, and noisy, dinosaur mime.

"May I have, Sirius, darling, not 'I want'. Ask nicely." Hermione told him, earning another pout from the rambunctious two year old.

"Mum says that I don't have to because I'm a Black." The boy argued, crossing his arms. "And Black's don't request, they demand!" Hermione squatted down in front of him.

"What your name is doesn't matter, Sirius. You should be polite to everybody, because it's the right thing to do." She told him with a frown, making sure he was looking at her. He shrugged, obviously not bothered – as long as he got his helmet.

"_May_ I have a viking helmet, Miss Her-Nimey?" He asked innocently, pulling her in with his big brown eyes.

Hermione caved in at his adorable expression and transfigured a cushion into a helmet for the boy who clapped his hands eagerly and laughed. Just as she went to stand, Hermione glimpsed James from out of the corner of her eye. He was creeping slowly towards her, his fingers back in his mouth.

"Do you want to play too, James?" She asked softly, only to be interrupted by Sirius.

"I want James to play 'Vikings' with us too, Miney!" Came the pleading echo.

Child-Sirius was really massacring her Christian name, deciding to give up its pronunciation entirely and sticking with an easier nickname.

James was nodding excitedly, so Hermione spelled another cushion into a helmet and conjured two polystyrene swords for the boys before giving herself a small plastic tiara like she remembered from her own childhood.

The two young pureblood wizards inspected the swords for a moment before figuring they were just as good as wands, happily beginning a mock fight. Hemione sat back on the lounge, sinking into its softness to watch the game unfold and was joined by Remus soon after.

"They're so cute." Hermione said, watching as James managed to dislodge Sirius' sword for the first time.

"Well, James is. I'm not sure about Sirius yet." Remus smirked, and ducked away from her soft arm slap. "Hey, I'm entitled to my own opinion!" He defended himself, causing a ripple of laughter from the petite witch.

**

The class changeover hailed Arithmancy for both Hermione and Remus, so the two sensible students decided to leave the two children with Wormtail, who had a free period.

The two De-Aged students behaved well enough for their temporary guardians, but Peter received less cooperation: Sirius had bitten him – twice – when he'd suggested they take a nap, although, to be fair, James had done what he had been told - allowing himself to be placed in the cot, fingers seemingly magnetised to his mouth.

Sirius, on the other hand, had fought tooth and nail after spending a good ten minutes evading capture by climbing under desks and between the miniscule gaps in the furniture layout until somebody's well-aimed hex had stopped him.

Unfortunately, they'd reversed it before he was safely trapped in his cot and he'd chomped viciously on Peter's hand. Peter had, in turn, dropped the riotous child, who'd then seen fit to kick the blond, painfully, in the shin before running up the stairs into the girls' dormitory.

(Apparently, the magic that spelled the staircase to stop boys from entering only applied to male students, as in previous centuries, Hogwarts would have taught young mothers and their babes would have resided with them in the school.)

"Yeah, well, what with looking after you, I think I need the nap more." Peter grumbled, glaring in the direction of the violent friend-come-child-terror as he rubbed the emerging bruise on his leg, before flopping himself heavily onto the squishy lounge.

**

The house elves had prepared a section with high chairs at the end of the Gryffindor Table in the Great Hall, making it a great deal easier to restrain the boisterous Sirius – the problem child of the two – while James could be fed and coo-ed over by the girls in the vicinity.

Hermione held back a snort as James began telling the girls a story about the Giant Squid and a Hippogriff and something about Quidditch, throwing his arms around excitedly. The young Potter seemed to prefer the company of females, and Hermione could see why he'd been so arrogant at school; if he'd this type of attention all his life, it explained his cockiness.

Sirius was just like a puppy. Attention could be in any form and he'd relish it. Games, food, sleep, food, games, hiding, running – the curly haired boy had endless amounts of energy. Hermione was reminded of this when a 'splat' sound made its way to her ears.

Sirius had burst into a scream of laughter and James look startled at the piercing sound as everybody turned to see Remus wipe a spoonful of mashed potato off his cheek. He wasn't the only victim.

Sirius had managed to use accidental magic to send chunks of the potato at a number of students, mostly the fifth year girls who had been coddling him, causing much riotous laughter amongst the remaining students.

Professor McGonagall strode up to scene, "I think Mister Lupin, Miss Granger, that it would be prudent to evacuate the boys fr-"

-Thwack-

A wad of potato and mushed up peas catapulted through the air to ungracefully coat the top of her hat.

"-om the Great Hall." She finished, her teeth gritted, despite having vanished the undignifying vegetable ammunition with a quick 'scourgify'.

The two carers nodded, Hermione looking slightly mortified while Remus appeared to be barely restraining hysterical laughter, and gathered the children quickly, half running from the packed room, aware that the entirety of the school's eyes were focused on them.

Once out of earshot Remus released a bark of laughter, just as Hermione finally exhaled.

"Oh my gosh, that was so embarrassing!" Hermione moaned. "I can't believe you're laughing – and you too!" She reprimanded Sirius and Remus; James was sucking on his fingers, as per usual.

Remus just shook his head, still looking amused. If Hermione wasn't mistaken, he actually had tears in his eyes.

"You've no idea – Sirius has discussed food-fights and pondered throwing that mash at McGonagall so many times during dinners over the years, and now he's finally done it. McGonagall's face was priceless!" He gasped out, falling into hysterics once again.

Entering the Common Room, Hermione conjured up some parchment and quills, and a number of different coloured inks for the two children so they could do some drawing (it would occupy them for at least a little while) and seated herself on one of the nearby chairs.

Surprisingly, James and Sirius managed almost twenty minutes of quiet working time, which gave Remus a chance to do his homework while Hermione watched them. She was dozing off slightly when a little figure appeared in her vision and poked on the nose.

"Her-Miney?"

Sirius had left James at the table, and was clutching a piece of colourful parchment in his small fist.

"Yes, darling boy?" She answered, sitting up and lifting him onto her lap. Sirius wriggled to get himself comfortable before un-crinkling the piece of parchment.

It was a crude children's drawing of the little Sirius and James, holding hands with the taller figures of Remus and Hermione. It took a remarkable amount of strength for Hermione to not 'aaaaaw' out loud.

"Please, could you write 'by Sirius Black' on my picture, Her-Miney?" He asked, pointing at the drawing. "I can't do proper writing yet."

Running a gentle finger over the picture, Hermione nodded. The little boy dislodged himself from her lap and tugged her to the table.

James was drawing Quidditch. How appropriate.

Hermione wrote 'by Sirius Black' where the curly haired child instructed her to, and dated it, only to have Sirius turn to her with a serious expression.

"It's for you, 'Miney."

She beamed and took it from Sirius' out stretched hand.

"Thank you, Sirius – I'll treasureit!" With that, she pulled him into a hug and planted noisy kisses on his face, causing him to giggle and flail.

**

Remus looked at the couch where Hermione and the toddler Sirius had fallen asleep. Hermione was serving as the boy's pillow, only the toddler had disappeared, leaving a seventeen year old Sirius resting comfortably against her chest, fast asleep.

After a moment of pondering, Remus chose to leave them as they were; it would make for an interesting morning.

**

Hermione awoke, feeling warm breath on her collarbone and a warm body snuggling ag-with a kneejerk reaction, Hermione let out a scream, and promptly fell off the lounge with a loud thud.

"Ow." She mumbled, sprawled on the floor.

"Ow, indeed." Sirius inserted, having been woken up from-

"Oh, that wasn't a dream, then. Good." He clarified, nonchalantly running a hand through his black locks, ignoring Hermione's glare.

He offered his arm and pulled the witch to her feet.

"You love me."

"Only Merlin knows why." Came the quick fire retort before Sirius stopped her words with a chipper peck on her soft lips.

***--snicker. De-Ageing is always fun! **

**I hope that was enjoyable. It came from the nothingness of my brain. Will be several drabbles, I'm assuming now. Feel free to suggest ideas! [PLEASE DO! IT'S MORE FUN DOING OTHER PEOPLES!]**


	3. Switch

**For **_**Keira-House M.D.**_** and **_**LoveIt123,**_** whose ideas I've played 'Jamie Oliver smush-ins' with ^_^ Thanks kids; enjoy!**

**Instructions #3:  
Body Switch.  
Include: A marauder prank; a drunk; "hey there, pretty lady"; "it's just you and me, and I'm looking right up your skirt" (from 'The Boat That Rocked'). **

**Switch**

It was Frank's birthday.

The Common Room was filled with friendly faces and jovial laughter; somebody (Hermione had nigh a doubt that it was her Marauder friends) had visited the kitchens and charmed the house elves into providing refreshments and a buffet style supper for the entire House. Hermione wondered why the idea hadn't continued over the years as she pushed her way through the throng of students at the portrait hole.

Peter entered with a card, while James followed behind – helped by Remus - bearing gifts (or, at least, one extremely large, sack-like bundle that contained a conglomerate of birthday presents from the majority of 6th and 7th year Gryffindors and a few Hufflepuffs).

Sirius came with a nine kilo watermelon.

That had received several curious glances.

With a heavy thunk, he placed the colossal melon on the table, a winning grin on his face as he turned to his audience.

"My children," he began, causing Hermione to snort into her pumpkin juice. Only Remus saw the indelicate reaction, but he was wearing a similar, if long-suffering, expression. "I bring you the Watermelon of Inebriation and Happiness! Once you choose to taste, you'll never go back."

Applause rang out, despite the confusion evident on many faces. With a wink, he set them straight.

"Vodka Watermelon."

Jumping off the table, he used his wand to slice off the top of the watermelon, before joining his bookish friends as James took the floor in an effort to begin the dishing out of Frank's presents.

"Hey there, pretty lady; up for a taste of my melon?" He asked, waggling his eyebrows at Hermione in a suggestive manner.

"Only you could make that sound dirty, Sirius." She laughed. "But I still think I'm going to give it a miss."

Sirius' look of disappointment was fleeting.

"How about we tango it up on the dance floor, then?" He suggested, holding out a hand to the bushy haired witch.

"Sure."

**

The Common Room began to stir at five thirty the next morning, with students groaning about headaches and hangovers. Without opening her eyes, Hermione wiped hair away from her mouth, feeling a warm body beside her. Assuming it was Sirius, she ran a hand across his chest and felt his firm….breasts.

"Aaagh!"

Sitting bolt upright, Hermione registered two things: firstly, that the hair in her mouth wasn't from her head, but from the female form next to her, and that, when she had screamed, the voice had most certainly not been hers. Or even female, for that matter. Either she'd drunk more than she'd thought the previous night, or something was dreadfully and catastrophically wrong.

She really hoped it was the first one.

Taking a deep breath, Hermione looked down to see, not her average chest, but a toned and tan set of abs, topped with- fact - a set of pecs that should have been illegal, and completed with a red and gold Gryffindor tie strung around her neck.

"Merlin's balls." She murmured faintly. The figure beside her rolled over, and she was at a loss for words. Not even a scream escaped her mouth.

She was facing herself.

She was Sirius Black, and she was staring at herself, lying half-asleep on the floor of the Gryffindor Common Room.

"Wassup buttercup?" The person that looked like her mumbled, slowly awakening.

When cinnamon brown eyes took in the sight before them, they widened.

"Shit, dude."

It sounded odd coming from her mouth; she rarely swore (Merlin not included).

"What in hell is going on? Why are you me?"

Ah, so it was Sirius in her body. Her rather unhelpful answer of 'I have no idea' was cut off by an unmanly scream from across the room.

Frank seemed to be having a panic attack and was fanning himself with his hands as he spoke under his breath at a hundred mile an hour. Alice was trying, unsuccessfully, to calm him.

"Am I actually awake?" The figure who looked like Hermione asked, pinching itself in the arm as they observed the increasing commotion in the Commons. "Ouch. Okay, yes. Bugger."

"Oi, everyone!" Hermione, as Sirius, yelled over the noise. It was handy being Sirius, she realised when the room suddenly quieted.

"Something seems to have happened last night during celebrations; something unexpected that has switched the souls of everybody."

"What are you on about?" A sixth year called out, looking doubtful at the claim.

Hermione flicked Sirius' hair out of her eyes, and glanced around the room. The boy was right. Only a handful of students looked even remotely panicked or worried, so it mustn't have affected the whole room.

"Erm…Normal people, go about your business, then;" she responded weakly, before pointing to the far corner, "everyone else - over there."

The congregation was silent, apart from not-Frank's panicked breaths and several questions of "wait, who are you, then?"

"Can you all pair up with your switch, just to make things a little easier?" Hermione asked them, pulling Sirius – herself – to her side.

Hermione stood next to Sirius, while Remus and James were partnered, 'Alice' was still trying to calm down 'Frank' as a fifth and sixth year couple stood awkwardly to the side, and, finally, there were two more seventh years - Danielle Parkes and Louisa Niles.

Wonderful.

"Does anyone recall what happened?" Heads were shaken; it seemed to be a mystery. Looking past the motley group, Hermione spotted a worried looking Peter being verballed trampled by an irate Nora.

"I think," Hermione vocalised, "that we may have to just deal with this as we go along. It'll build character." With that, she slipped towards Peter.

"It was you, wasn't it? I distinctly remember you having your wand out before the ro- oh, Hi!" Hermione blinked, before remembering that she looked like Sirius, and that the girl thought she was indeed the black haired boy.

"Erm, Peter. Can I borrow him, just quickly? Thanks." She blurted, grabbing Peter by the arm and dragging him away.

"It's Hermione, by the way, Peter." Peter looked like he was about to cry. "What did you do? Tell me what you remember."

Peter opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, but no sound came out. Hermione rubbed her – Sirius'? – temples.

"Did you use a spell? Talk to me, Peter."

"I was trying to make doves." It came out in barely a whisper, and the tubby blond looked mortified.

Hermione clutched at the black hair on her head. "Bugger, crap, shit, bollocks."

'Hermione' joined them, a quizzical expression on her face.

"So, judging from the expletives, the situation is less than rosy?" Sirius asked through Hermione's shell. "Hey, don't wreck my hair!"

Hermione just scowled.

**

It wasn't really _entirely_ Peter's fault, Hermione surmised.

After all, it was Sirius who had deigned to bring the nine kilogram alcoholic watermelon to Frank's birthday celebration, and it was a drunken James who persuaded Peter that watermelon was unable to retain Vodka (thus making the suggestion to combine the four remaining kilo's with a bottle of Firewhiskey), ending in Peter being uproariously inebriated and believing that Nora Anderson was an angel brought from heaven to serenade the entire conglomerate of students.

Needless to say, Nora had been highly amused to have Peter grovelling at her feet and bringing refreshments at the click of a finger. The real trouble had started when she'd explained that in order to be accepted back into heaven, she'd need two dozen white doves to carry her upwards (something about her wings being removed while she lived with mortals, if Hermione's hazy recollection was anything to go by). Peter, eager to please, had volunteered.

Hermione, despite having had two Firewhiskeys, should have recognised this as a bad, bad move. Unfortunately, she had been dancing with Sirius, who had been wearing his school tie without his shirt, and mumbling something about lionesses into her hair and generally being a successful distraction.

Sirius had been busy trying not to eat the flyaway curls off Hermione's head, and not feeling her up on the dance floor. Twice he'd caught his hands lowering themselves to squeeze her bottom. He'd only just caught them too, the sly buggers. He'd then pondered how much alcohol he'd consumed.

James had sprawled himself across the lounge, singing about a lonely Hippogriff who had lost – he wasn't sure what, so he'd just mumbled those lines before loudly entering into the chorus and accidentally sloshing his drink over himself.

Remus had been effectively caught between James' dismal vocals, and the birthday boy's snogging session with his girlfriend, Alice. Alcohol wasn't affecting him, despite having drunk eight bottles of Firewhiskey, so he had been leaning against James, wondering how best to escape the situation and sneak back to his bed and much quieter dorm.

Nobody had been prepared for the sudden blackness that engulfed the room, freezing its occupants before sending them into a dreamless sleep.

It was a comedy of errors that had resulted in Peter's flawed attempt at spellwork.

**

Roughly an hour later, Sirius had already gone through Hermione's entire underwear drawer, had played around with her bras (putting them on was a great deal harder than taking them off, he had discovered) and was currently deciding whether or not he looked fantastic enough to exit the dorm and take some breakfast.

Sirius prodded his new breasts with interest, knowing that Hermione would never let him do it and therefore that he had to make the best of the opportunity. He was fascinated; how did girls get anything done when they had these wonderful, perky gifts attached to their person?

"It's just you and me, and I'm looking right up your skirt." Sirius murmured seductively, to himself, as he flashed his - or Hermione's, rather - knickers in the mirror before giggling girlishly, straightening his tie and skipping out of the girl's dorm.

Spotting the back of his doppelganger's head, Sirius smirked and then barrelled across the room to leap up onto his back.

"Aaagh!" Hermione screamed, grateful for Sirius' strong frame that she had unexpectedly usurped during Peter's abysmal display of wizardry the previous night.

"Sirius!" She exclaimed, stumbling under the added weight but allowing the boy's barking laughter to be expelled from her mouth. "Get off!"

Obligingly, he did so, but then proceeded to latch one slender hand around her wrist and drag her down to breakfast, with a loud and embarrassing, "come along Snuffles, darling, time for brekky-wekky."

"What are you doing!?" She hissed at him, in her body making a fool of her with his floozy-like actions. She felt the need to bash her head against the stone walls when several of the younger years snorted (although some glared without any restraint, indicating that believed them-selves to be much more appropriate arm ornaments for the handsome Sirius Black). "You're so embarrassing."

Sirius grinned, giving off a distinctly impish appearance, instantly making Hermione regret ever mentioning her mortification.

"Oh, but you're Sirius Black." He implored, wide eyes completely insincere. "You're not humiliated by anything."

"Buggeration!" Hermione huffed violently, causing a few Hufflepuffs to start skittishly, before scarpering as the pair were joined by Remus and James, and Alice and Frank. Who were really _James_ and _Remus_, and _Frank_ and _Alice_.

Hermione sighed. This whole body-switch was painful on the brain.

"Hermione, Sirius." 'James' greeted, without the usual pomp and vigour while 'Remus', on the other hand, was bouncing on the balls of his feet like a small child who'd been given too much sugar.

"What's got you so happy?" Hermione asked, raising an eyebrow. 'Remus' smile widened.

"Lily talked to me!" He blurted out. "To me! Granted, I think she thought I was Remus" The teen rambled on, as Hermione murmured a sarcastic, "I wonder why?"

"This is brilliant." James continued. "This could be the best thing that's ever happened to me concerning Lily – well, except for that time when I accidentally grazed her boob during dinner…"

Hermione struggled with the desire to connect her forehead with any of the hard surrounding objects, but valiantly continued down to the Great Hall sans injury.

**

Alice erupted into another wave of panic after breakfast, and Hermione had to pull her aside into the boy's toilet to ask what was wrong.

"I have to pee, Hermione! Ohmigod. This is so gross."

Hermione agreed (vehemently when she realised that she needed the loo as well), but put on a brave face.

"We can do it. Let's do it together. Right now; before we psych ourselves out."

At that moment, a third year boy wandered into the room and paused, his eyes becoming as enormous as a pair of saucers when he registered what – so it seemed – Frank Longbottom and _the_ Sirius Black had just said before dashing out the door looking to tell everyone he could find that two of the Seventh Year male Gryff's were propositioning each other in the loo.

The two girls paid him no mind but prepared themselves to experience a part of their partners in a way they'd never considered.

Breathing in, the pair unzipped the trousers.

Much girly 'eeew-ing' and an awkward noise-cover-up-conversation later and Hermione and Alice were finished doing their business and were standing at a loss as to what they were to do with their bits.

Alice looked at Hermione first.

"So, how do we put it back?" 'Frank' questioned, cheeks pink.

Hermione gulped, and thought about where it had been before taking it out.

"Well, I suppose…we just… tuck it back…in?

**

"Guys!" Hermione hissed, trying not to be heard over Binn's endless drone. "Stop it!"

The two almost-brothers glanced up from their prank dissection to give her twin, charming, grins. Sirius went further, blowing a kiss in her direction, and she rolled her eyes, forcing down the smile tugging at her lips as she gave up on her attempt at dissuading them. Honestly, the pair were the biggest hooligans she'd ever met – even more so than Fred and George Weasley, and that was something she'd never thought to see.

Especially not with them using her and Remus' bodies as vessels.

**

Lunch had been a fiasco.

A huge, flaming, fiasco that Satan would be proud to have organised.

Hermione sighed. Perhaps that was a bit much, but she was still quite mortified at what she'd heard.

_Sirius, under the guise of being Hermione, walked elegantly into the Great Hall, aware that the majority of the males in the vicinity had turned to stare at him. He grinned inwardly. All was going to plan._

_As he glided (read: flounced) past the Ravenclaw table, one of the boys stood and grabbed his wrist._

"_Hermione, you're so beautiful. Please, do me the honour of sitting with me today." The boy, a seventh year, possibly called McBride, begged. As he did so, his neighbour stood angrily._

"_You fiend, __I__ was about to ask Miss Granger to sit beside __me__!" He said snootily. "Wouldn't you rather my company, Hermione?" He asked, plaintively towards Sirius._

"_Oi, why are you two so special? Hermione should sit with us! She's a Gryffindor, after all!" A red crested fifth year called out over the lunch racket. _

_Sirius frowned momentarily as the two Ravenclaws suddenly became involved in a tussle, joined seconds later by a rather beefy Slytherin – who scared Sirius a little bit – and a number of Gryffindors who climbed gallantly (so they thought) over the tables to join the scuffle._

_It was at this point when Sirius realised, practically all the girls in the hall were glaring at him with barely restrained anger. They were seething._

"_Ah." He said, before silently slipping away from the brawling boys just as James, wearing Remus' shell, clamoured on top of the Gryffindor table and used a Sonorus Charm on his vocal chords._

"_STUDENTS OF HOGWARTS!" James exclaimed obnoxiously when he gained the attention of the students. "TODAY IS THE DAY THAT I BREECH MY SELF-IMPOSED BARRIERS OF BACHELORDOM."_

_He struck an heroic pose._

"_MY LITHE, YET MUSCLED FIGURE, MY BOOK SMARTS AND WORLDLY WAYS CAN BE YOURS." He told the listening individuals as he flexed said muscles. "WENCH OR WHELP; JUST PUT IN AN APPLICATION TO THE SPECIAL BOX IN THE LIBRARY LABLED 'LOVE, LUST AND LUPIN'." With an extravagant bow, he jumped off the table, winked lecherously at a cluster of male and female Hufflepuffs, and dragged Sirius out of the hall._

**

"What did you do?" Hermione screamed.

The scene surely looked comical; Sirius Black reprimanding Hermione Granger about a prank. Comical and from an alternate universe.

Sirius raised his hands in submission, backing away as one would from a rabid dog.

"It was just a teeny weeny little love potion…" He soothed, although the attempt failed as the fake Sirius' voice dropped to deadly levels, barely above a whisper.

"A teeny weeny _love_ potion that you set on _ALL _the boys above fourth year," Hermione said venomously, "to react to _my_ body. And follow me around like lost puppies. Half of them had girlfriends who will now want me to splinch myself to death every time I take a breath! Not to mention Remus! Could you have made that anymore awkward? Surely you realised that James' antics rarely work and usually cause people to become severely annoyed by him." She paused. "Well, in romantic pursuits, anyway." She revised - thinking of Lily, and not his overt popularity with the other students.

Sirius winced.

"Perhaps it wasn't the best thought out plan we've ever had…"

"You advertised to the entire Fifth year that Remus would be taking applications for girlfriends and that boys were welcome to apply because he didn't discriminate!"

"And he's gotten fourteen already, including two male, Sixth year Hufflepuffs." Sirius defended, feeling strangely proud for his lycanthropic friend, but he petered out when Hermione glared at him. He didn't like seeing himself glaring. It was disturbing. "Okay, I'm just…going…to shut u-"

The two paused, feeling their bodies twitch strangely, when the world went black once more.

**

Waking up, Hermione looked across the floor to see a slightly shaken, Sirius Orion Black lift himself up.

"We're back to normal!" She cried out, ecstatic at the recent return to her own body. She grabbed at her breasts, happy, for once, to have the mass of cartilage there. She removed her hands when Sirius smirked and raised an eyebrow, feeling her cheeks heat up.

Before she could even murmur a blushing defence, she was swept into a bear hug by the larger boy, his fingers tangled slightly in her brown curls and he kissed her soundly on the lips.

"Merlin, I've missed being me." Sirius told her unabashedly, and with that he towed her into his dormitory; all thoughts of yelling at him flew clean out of her mind.

***--giggle. Sorry it took so long, but hey. It's up now, in time for Christmas, because I'm going to Europe for a month and won't be able to update for all you lovelies. That makes me inexplicably sad. I need to get out more. =P**

**Hope you've enjoyed it once again. Happy Christmas and New Year to all you fanficophiles.**

**PS: All I want for Christmas is Tim Roth. But I won't turn away Sirius Black, James Potter, Regulus or Draco. =D**


	4. Lost

**Instructions #4:  
A fake kidnapping; fish and chips; spying on Lily and James cuteness: a ticklish Remus.**

**Lost**

"I'm dying!"

Hermione raised her eyes heavenward, letting her quill fall to the desk. She was going to throw something at Sirius soon. Something really hard.

"You are not dying, and you won't starve." She rounded on the black haired boy lying dramatically on the plump couch behind where she was diligently working on her homework. "Besides, you had lunch not two hours ago!"

Sirius pouted.

"That's not the point." He argued. "I can feel it moving, begging for food!"

The door opened, admitting James into the Common Room. He glanced at the pair as he passed them by.

"List-" The disowned Black paused suddenly, sniffing the air as his canine senses honed in on something. Spinning around he launched himself at James.

"Fish and chips!" He yelled, as James attempted to remain upright (Sirius was by no means what one would call a small individual, and he'd barrelled quite heavily into the bespectacled teen's torso, latching onto his robes).

"What?!" James yelled back in surprise. Hermione snickered.

"You ate fish and chips!" He accused his best mate, ignoring the bewildered expression on James' face. "Where did you get it, and why – in Merlin's name – did you not bring me any?!"

James looked to Hermione for assistance, but she carefully avoided looking him in the eye, grateful for Sirius' diverted attention. James was dealing with this one on his own.

"I didn't." He defended himself, although it was pointless because Sirius had the strongest human senses ever, second only to Remus and, well, he wasn't _entirely_ human. Sirius clearly agreed, judging by the raised eyebrow. "I walked past a shop?" Hermione let her head fall to the desk, shaking with silent laughter over Sirius' scandalised expression which said, clearly, 'who do you take me for? Peter?'

Sirius cuffed James around the back of the head.

"OW!" James exclaimed, his hand flying to the injury. "What was that for?" He whined.

"I'm starving!" Sirius rubbed his stomach with both hands to emphasise his plight, before he sniffed once again, and thrust his hand into the pocket of James pants.

Before the unsuspecting boy could even yell 'gerroff, you wanker', Sirius had pulled out his hand and retrieved what looked to be a handful of soggy chips. Hermione blanched.

"Ew. That's disgusting!" She told him, revolted. "Why on earth were they in your pocket?"

James shrugged, unperturbed.

"I'm a dude. I get hungry. I didn't have anywhere _else_ to put them." He explained, completely nonplussed. Sirius didn't seem bothered either as he scarfed the lot. Hermione shook her head at them both and packed up her finished work, choosing not to try and understand their strange, boy ways.

She watched as James wandered to his dorm, leaving Sirius to lick his salty fingers clean, before doing the same, sniggering as Sirius' voice drifted to her: "Hey, you didn't tell me where you got the fish and chips!"

**

"Peter." A hushed whisper broke through the darkness, hidden amidst the snores of the other dorm mates. Sirius sat next to Peter's bed, his face close to the smaller boy's.

"AA-mmmmppdphf" Peter tried to scream when he opened his eyes, but Sirius whipped a hand over his mouth, preventing the noise from waking the others. Casting a necessary check over the sleeping pair, Sirius grinned.

"I have a great and almighty plan!" At the chubby younger boy's confused look, he elaborated. "We have a mutiny amongst us – Prongsy has been hiding his stash of fish and chips and we must kidnap him and force him to relinquish it!" Sirius whispered excitedly, determinedly.

Peter looked apprehensive until the mention of food. At that, he nodded eagerly and the two began planning. Or, at least, Sirius planned as Peter nodded encouragingly, thinking happily of fish and chips and all the different manners in which the dish could be served.

**

When Remus woke the next morning, it was to a suspiciously quiet dorm.

The silence positively reeked of mischief, and the non-appearance of James in the neighbouring bed was a dead giveaway that something was up. It was a rare day that James Potter was awake before the bare minimum.

And clearly, if the off-key singing that had just begun in the bathroom was any indicator, Sirius had something to hide. He didn't quite have the grasp of the concept 'low key', or 'How Not To Seem Suspicious'.

Remus waited patiently for Sirius to finish, and sat on the edge of his neatly made bed.

The door was flung open dramatically and Sirius paraded into the dorm area wearing only his obnoxiously red boxers.

"Good morning, Moony. Lovely day…" He faded away at Remus' raised eyebrow, the blue eyes piercing through his attempt to act nonchalant.

"Care to enlighten me as to why James isn't snoring away in his bed?" Remus asked, not bothering to be specific. Sirius' expression was appropriately disbelieving.

"How, in the name of Merlin's soggy right sock, did you figure it out already?"

Remus kept his eyes trained on Sirius. The boisterous teen tended to crumple under the Werewolf's calm gaze, and rarely needed much incentive to spill the beans, as it were, on his latest shenanigans. It was partly self-preservation, but mostly egotism that drove Sirius' motor mouth.

"I kidnapped Prongs." He answered, a little guiltily, like a small child who'd been caught scouting his present haul the day before Christmas.

"Wha-?" Remus spluttered. "What do you mean, you 'kidnapped James'? Where is he?" He glanced sharply at Sirius. "Tell me he's still inside the castle, please."

"I'm not _stupid_, Moony." Sirius said, looking affronted. "He's somewhere in the castle."

"You don't remember where, do you." Remus sighed, not really bothering to insinuate it as a question – he already knew the answer.

"Erm… not exactly."

Remus groaned, a brought a hand over his eyes, squeezing the bridge of his nose.

"I suppose I should be grateful it's a Saturday."

**

Lily was not an early riser. If she was required to be awake before seven-thirty, she was generally unpleasant company. Today, however, she had arisen at a quarter to eight, and had walked across the Common Room, without any interruption. She had taken the stairs down to the Great Hall, where she had eaten undisturbed, and had then returned to her dormitory, intending to collect her belongings before heading to the library for a study session during her free period.

Something wasn't right, she realised.

It irked her, somewhat, that she couldn't pinpoint what was missing from her day, but she continued on her way to the Library, placing her satchel on a chair before nodding a greeting to Madam Pince and making her way into the Restricted Section.

Manoeuvring through the shelves, Lily discovered the reason for her solitude that morning.

James Potter was situated in one of the dark corners, his hands tied together behind his back with what appeared to be a rope of liquorice, wearing only a pair of blue boxers with a decorative snitch pattern. Lily raised an eyebrow at the sleeping teenager, but smiled at the goofy grin in his face as it his cheek mashed against the second row of books.

He started violently when she nudged him with his foot, and he groaned.

"I take it that this was Sirius' idea and not yours then?" Lily surmised, her eyes twinkling. James coloured lightly.

"Actually, I was kidnapped."

Lily snorted, indelicately, and James scowled.

"Sirius decided he desperately needed to know where I got the fish and chips from, and couldn't wait until morning." He explained wearily, like a long suffering aunt. "I have no idea why he thought it necessary to kidnap me and tie me up in the Restricted Section in the meantime."

"I didn't realise Sirius thought about these things much at all." Lily replied.

"Au contraire, he thinks about them a little too much, if you ask me." James countered. "He just doesn't think of consequences. Do you mind?" He shifted, showing her the liquorice tie that Sirius had spelled around his wrists.

"Oh, of course. No problem." Lily drew her wand and soon James was pulling himself to his feet, hyper aware of his lack of clothes and Lily's pretty blush. He cleared his throat.

"So, how do I escape the Library in my boxers, without being caught by Pincers?" He asked, he grinned when Lily slapped his arm for being rude about the Librarian.

"I have no idea. I've half a mind to leave you here." Lily said, but he knew she didn't mean it because her eyes were alight with laughter. He rounded on her, smiling.

"You like me in just my boxer, don't you Lilyflower?" He exclaimed, quieting as she shushed him, trying not to laugh. He saw her cheeks pink, and paused.

"You_ do_ like me in my boxers!" He said jubilantly, the goofy grin returning to his handsome features.

"Oh, hush." Lily told him, but didn't deny his claim.

**

Hermione regarded Sirius and Remus suspiciously. James was nowhere to be seen, and Sirius looked too pleased with himself.

She waited for Sirius' attention to wander, and then followed Remus as he climbed the stairs to his dorm. She closed the door and pounced on him when he turned around, causing him to fall back against the nearest bed.

"Where's James, Moony?" She asked, rolling off him but stopping when he spasmed as her hand brushed his side.

He didn't answer. Marauder Confidentiality Agreement, rule number thirteen: A Marauder never reveals the contents of another's prank, unless a prankee is in immediate danger.

At least James was – relatively – safe.

Hermione poked Remus in the side experimentally. He pulled away.

"Don't pok- AAHHA." He tried to catch her hands, but struggled as his face squished down into the duvet.

"Oh, Remus is ticklish!" Hermione sang gleefully, and launched herself at the Werewolf.

"What did Padfoot do?" Hermione interjected between Remus' bouts of laughter and calls for her to stop.

"I know you know, Remus - you always know what Sirius is up to."

Remus pushed himself away, laughing and fell heavily onto the floor between the beds.

"Ow."

Hermione snickered, and fell upon her stomach on the bed, peering at the brown haired boy lying awkwardly on the ground.

"Tell me, Remi, please." Her eyes were wide and pleading, but twinkling with barely restrained laughter as he grimaced at the nickname. "I'll tickle you again." She threatened, reaching out to him.

"NO! I'll tell you!" Remus yelled, scrambling away from her small hands. "Sirius kidnapped him and put him in the Restricted Section." Remus paused, as if he was recalling something.

"Erm. Sirius doesn't always think these things through, so I'm inclined to think James is unfortunately clothed." Hermione raised an eyebrow. "He's likely only wearing boxers."

Hermione erupted into laughter, and then murmured, "Accio Marauder's Map."

At Remus' shocked face, she said "To be sure that he's still th- Oh my." Grinning devilishly, Hermione thrust the map under his nose. Two dots, one labelled James Potter and the other Lily Evans, were practically on top of each other.

"I wonder if he's only wearing boxers still."

**

Lily raised her head suddenly, knocking her head against James', as an idea popped into her head.

"Oww." Holding a hand to her forehead, she wrinkled her nose. "Idea, Boxer-Boy: you can wear my school robe."

James looked doubtful.

"D'you think it'll fit?"

"Meh, it'll do, we can always alter it slightly."

She took it off, revealing her regulation Hogwarts uniform; a grey skirt and white blouse.

"Here."

James shimmied into it, looking at the sleeves forlornly before checking out the hem.

"I look so tacky; stupid short sleeves." He grumbled, making Lily snicker behind her hand. His bare ankles showed at the bottom, leaving the hem of the black robe to flap above his bare feet,

"Yes, well, it does hide your boxers."

He surprised her by Eskimo-kissing her nose.

"Don't be sad, Lilyflower, I'll show them to you later, if you ask very nicely." James told her, flicking her nose with his index finger as she giggled.

He had managed to direct Lily against the bookshelf, one arm resting by her ear as he flirted, and was feeling rather good about himself until a throat, belonging to neither Lily nor James, was cleared. He sprang away from Lily, only to see Remus and Hermione looking at them in a smug, knowing manner, and a hint of amusement as to his garb.

Hermione held a pair of jeans and a shirt. James could have danced.

"Ahaha, I don't have to wear too small robes!" He cried joyfully, grabbing the clothes from Hermione and throwing them on. "Can we go to the kitchens? I'm starved." He added as an afterthought.

**

The four Gryffindors made their way down to the kitchens, tickled the pear, and crossed the floor space to where some of the House Elves were baking pastries. They were partway there when a loud voice drowned out the other noises.

"You guys always ruin my fun."

Sirius sat in front of a large plate of fish and chips – Hermione and Lily looked slightly revolted; it was nine o'clock in the morning after all – and a pout was set on his handsome face.

Remus looked pointedly at Sirius.

"You forgot where you left him." He said meaningfully. "And then decided that breakfast was more important than finding him."

"Hey! I resent that." Sirius argued. "I think you'll find that I actually said, 'Perhaps we should endeavour to get some nutrition into us so we can best search for dearest Prongs'."

They each regarded Sirius for a moment, before shaking their heads.

"Yeah, right." James said.

"You only utilise 'big words' when you're fabricating stories, Sirius." Remus pointed out.

Lily sniggered.

Hermione laughed at her friend.

In seconds, all five teens were in hysterics, causing the House Elves to shoo them from the kitchens so they could work in peace. James hurriedly grabbed for an apple, followed by a number of croissants as they passed the cooling bench.

"Finally," he stated, "I thought I was going to die of starvation."

**____**

**And that's another. Sorry for the wait, but, hey, I'm busy, busy, busy, these days! Any ideas, send them through a review!**


	5. Insanity

**This is the second-to-final chapter (partially because I am tired of writing this, and have lost 'mah inspiration'). Also, it gets kind of heavy at the end of this, and in the next chapter… because it's the end of the tale… sorry! This chapter's requirements were provided by Shakari - ta muchly! (Though I did tamper with some parts to make it better fit with the story – hope you don't mind!).**

**INSTRUCTIONS #5:**

**Female underwear on Sirius or Remus's head; James or Sirius singing horribly off key to McGonagall; the lines "Don't leave me!" and "How can I live without you!"**

**DISCLAIMERUS! =D**

**INSANITY**

"SHUT UP, SIRIUS!" James groaned as his best mate warbled away in the shower, attempting to pass himself off as a tolerable opera singer. For what reason; none of the dorm occupants knew. As to his success; well, that much was clear.

"I Forbid – yes, that is with a capital letter – Forbid you to sing in any operatic form, when you are in my presence!" James shouted at the closed door, throwing a pillow at it, and watching with immense dissatisfaction as it made a dull 'fwump' against the wood before sliding to the ground and resting in a heap.

The tune promptly changed to something decidedly more upbeat; in fact, it sounded remarkably like one of the awful muggle pop songs Hermione was so fond of listening to with Lily. James grimaced and buried himself defensively under the covers, trying to block the sounds of Sirius' crooning.

**

"What's got you so happy?" Hermione asked - eyebrow arched daintily - as she took a bite of croissant, contemplating Sirius as he gaily entered the Great Hall and plonked himself beside her, humming tunelessly.

James interceded on his behalf, Sirius having just shoved three quarters of a slice of toast into his mouth.

"He read McGonagall's class plan, and we're doing clothing transfiguration today." He paused, reaching over the table for an apple. "Minnie is in for some shocks today; and first period, too. She'll be flustered for the rest of the day."

Hermione rolled her eye as he grinned mischievously.

"You two won't make it if you don't hurry along with breakfast." She told him casually. "What took you so long anyway?"

"Sirius' hair." James supplied, feeling no need to expand on his answer, much to Hermione's amusement. She shook her head at them laughingly.

"See you in class."

With Remus, she trudged back up to the tower to collect the day's books and homework, a relaxed discussion starting up between them regarding the nature of Sirius' plan for Transfiguration.

"Someone will end up without clothes, I'm nearly positive." Remus argued against Hermione's vision of adult sized one-sies.

She laughed, but wrinkled her nose in joking disgust.

"Eurgh. I hope not, that's bad form!"

They parted ways momentarily to find their things before wandering back down to the room, where several students were already milling around, waiting for Professor McGonagall's arrival, which was not long after the two Gryffindors' own.

Typically, Sirius and James were late, and their apologies flamboyant, but eventually the class got underway, and there had been no other disruptions; something McGonagall was very aware of, and not entirely relaxed about.

'The calm before the storm' was the phrase that came imposingly into her thoughts.

Soon enough, a scream rang through the class, causing the Gryffindor Head of House to jump.

All of the students were now sporting hot pink (very short) robes, with fluorescent green fur trim, and large, boldly flashing letters on their fronts that seemed to spell – if Minerva wasn't wrong – 'Minnie, you're a star'.

Amidst it all, Sirius and James stood; a smug expression on their faces. Sirius looked as if waiting for something, and with a tinge of fear, McGonagall squinted her eyes in preparation for what else was to come.

It wasn't at all as bad as she presumed, but it was still inconvenient and ever so disruptive.

Gold confetti fell from the ceiling, and source-less music began to play as if from a muggle surround sound system in Hermione's real time line.

Sirius began singing along to the music, his own robe sporting a twinkling star, and made his way to the front of the class, serenading the poor Scottish-woman in an awful, off-key rendition of the song that was playing in the background. He included some impromptu dance moves, and a saucy wink was sent to Hermione (and then McGonagall who glared – admittedly, half-heartedly – at his audacity).

The song was unfamiliar to Hermione, but she caught the distinct lyric of 'just like Imperius, you got me doing things…' so it was clearly a wizard band. In fact, looking around, from her position at the 'e' in 'Minnie', Hermione saw that a number of their classmates were singing and laughing along with the prank.

"Finite Incantatem!" McGonagall called out, attempting to look stern, but failing as the gold flakes coated her delicately. "Misters Black, Potter! Detention: nine o'clock tomorrow in my office." She barked out at them as her spell ceased the magic upon everybody's clothing. Unfortunately, nothing could be done about the phantom music, and she set her chin, ready to spend the rest of the day (at least, until it wore off) ignoring it and not getting into the rhythm.

The boy took their punishment with good humour, having expected it, and the remainder of the class was uneventful, although the constant musical atmosphere encouraged much toe tapping and humming from the students, and served its purpose to loosen the tension in the room.

**

"Do you think Hermione would appreciate lingerie as a gift?" Sirius pondered out loud to his dorm mates as he reclined on his bed, practicing his already above par transfiguration skills.

Remus spared him a glance, looking away from his reading to answer.

"Most girls do, I believe." He replied slowly. "But why is this coming up in conversation now?"

"Are you trying to put meaning to my thought processes?"

Remus didn't answer.

"Because, I think we've already established that there aren't ever any clear steps involved, and that I enjoy thinking about girls and underwear."

Peter snickered.

"Prongsie – corset or bra?"

James looked a little disturbed but chose the latter to appease his friend, who was clearly on some kind of warped, gift mission.

"I suppose so…" Sirius agreed with a far-away look in his eyes as he imagined the design in his mind.

After a few moments of silence, where he poked his tongue out of the side of his mouth in concentration, Sirius exclaimed, "perfect!"

Pointing his wand at a pair of Remus' socks, he murmured the required incantation. The dull grey, woollen socks became a matching set of lingerie. It was red, with gold bows, and the bottoms were very frilly, but not distastefully so, and they weren't indecent at all; Remus was actually impressed by Sirius' handiwork, as loathe as he was to admit it in this circumstance.

He did so anyway, but Sirius purposely misinterpreted his reluctance and crowed with laughter.

"Mooney, Mooney… don't be jealous, I can make you some, too!"

And he took off, finding misplaced socks and ties which he spelled to levitate in the air as he changed them into female undergarments, before letting them fly around the room.

Remus had to duck several times to ensure he wasn't hit in the face, but the sound of the dormitory door opening caught his attention, and a particularly lacy pair of green knickers collided with his head and remained resting there as Sirius' focus, too, went to the doorway, all the lingerie left hanging in the air.

Frank had paused there, a look of bewilderment firmly cemented on his features. It was some moments before any of them spoke.

"You know, after six years of living with you guys, I thought you shocking me was impossible." He told them. "Clearly, I was wrong."

Remus subtly removed the underwear from his head.

"I'm going to go back downstairs now."

Frank said, shaking his head as he closed the door, mumbling about flying underwear and crazy wizards.

When his footsteps faded away, it was James who first burst into the raucous laughter that soon infected all of the other inhabitants, rendering them hysterical.

**

Hermione, who was calmly doing her homework in the Common Room, noticed Frank's return and heard his mumblings. She smiled, wondering what her boys had done now.

Finishing up with her potions essay, she left her bag and belongings where they were and climbed the stairs to the Marauders' room, curious as to what sight would greet her.

Certainly, whatever she had briefly considered in the short trip was not what appeared before her: the boys were all laughing riotously – to the point where no sound was being emitted – and rather a lot of female underwear was hanging in the air. She tried not to ogle the nicer ones.

"What in Merlin's name…" She trailed off, completely perplexed. "You guys are so weird!"

Seeing his significant other in the room, Sirius managed to compose himself a little, and quickly vanished the 'Remus-lingerie', leaving only the frilly red piece he'd initially made for Hermione. He stowed carefully away as Hermione looked around at the other boys.

"We were practicing transfiguration." Remus supplied in between chuckles, coming to their collective rescue.

"Naturally." Hermione drawled, arms crossed, although amusement was clear in her eyes. "I've half a mind to act the hysterical girlfriend, seeing all the obviously feminine underwear not belonging to me!"

"Oh, please, my darling! Light o' my life!" Sirius implored her, jokingly. "Don't do it! How can I live without you?"

He fell to his knees, looking like a hopeless puppy.

"You lived without me before." Hermione told him with a smile.

"Oh, but I had no period of comparison then." He exclaimed. "Now, I shall forever miss your presence if you are gone."

Hermione faltered at his apparent sincerity, and it tugged at her heart; a reminder that she may not be here forever. After all, she didn't belong here – she was not of this time.

Sirius seemed to notice this, because he stood and kissed her lightly.

"Don't worry yourself, chickpea. Live for the moment." He murmured, inducing a laugh at the use of the absurd nickname as she hugged him tightly to her.

**

Almost three weeks passed, and Hermione had almost forgotten the most recent thoughts of leaving, however she had taken to fiddling with the chain attached to the time turner when distracted, and was sitting with Sirius and Lily in the library when the time turner began to whir.

She gasped audibly, and her two companions glanced up at her. Noticing where her attention was fixed, Sirius became distressed. They were both standing in milliseconds.

"Hermione - don't leave me!"" The black haired boy's voice was laced with desperation, and Hermione herself felt her vision prickle with tears; she knew that there was nothing to do – she didn't belong in this time, as much as she wished it were so. She had Harry, and Ron and the other Weasleys, and, of course, the Order. Remus would need her in their time, if he remembered her that is.

She blanched at the thought of his not having recollection of their time together in the past.

"Sirius…"

Hermione was aware that she was crying, and she kissed Sirius hard, pouring her very soul into it, knowing what she would be returning to. Or rather, what she wouldn't be returning to.

"Lily… you and James…I love you both, remember that, always, please." She said brokenly as her sight blurred. "And Remus, too."

Sirius was in her arms again, and they kissed quickly, devastation the most profound emotion other than the love that passed between them.

"I will always love you." Sirius whispered, voice cracking, as he clutched her to him. She was fading away, but he heard he reply as clearly as if she was still standing there.

"I love you, Sirius Orion Black. I always did."

The library was a silent as usual, the same as it had always been; the only thing missing was a bushy haired bookworm of a Gryffindor who had meant so much to her newfound friends.

**Wow. I got all depressed thinking about her having to leave, and then everyone dies in her real time... I was practically crying (and I don't think it's even written well enough to deserve crying like that!)**

**Please review!**


	6. Home

**I'm going to straight out apologise to you Shakari for the content/plot here, but your plea has compelled me to perhaps write an Alternate Ending one day.**

**RIGHTSIUM DISCLAIMIOSIS! (The spell that shows HP doesn't belong to me, but JKR)**

**HOME**

Hermione regained consciousness to find herself laying across a chaise in the Headmaster's office, the man himself seated in a plush chair holding a cup of tea.

Her eyes were wet, and the exhaustion and headache that only crying can create fell over her.

"Welcome back, Miss Granger." Dumbledore greeted, a gentle smile on his face, though his eyes did not carry their usual twinkle.

"S-sir?" She began weakly, but Dumbledore interrupted her.

"It is 1997, my dear child. In fact, only," he paused to glance at his watch, "forty-three minutes have passed since you left us."

"Only – only that long?" She asked, boggled at the miniscule time period – after all, she had spent several months in the past with the Marauders. Thinking of this, she looked desperately to the old Headmaster.

"Sirius?" Her voice was small and meek, and Albus could feel his own heart break at the sheer hope that was projected from her. He wished he did not have to give this next information, this advice.

"Miss Granger, you must understand." He beseeched her, a gentle hand on her wrist. "The future is already the past; it cannot be changed."

A dry sob racked her body, her frail strength – what was left of it in her exhaustion – escaping her as she fell heavily against the chaise. Incoherent sentences fell from her mouth, until she had no more tears to shed. Dumbledore watched empathetically, and with a whispered incantation led her into peaceful sleep so that she may regain some life.

As her body relaxed, Albus conjured a blanket to place over her and vacated the room, intending to make a Floo call. He was sure she would pull through - she was a practical girl – but it would take time.

**

"Remus? Are you there?"

Remus Lupin turned his attention, previously fixed on the Daily Prophet, to the fireplace.

"Headmaster?" He said, slightly startled, but he folded the paper and placed it on the coffee table before kneeling by the flames. "What brings you here?"

"Hermione has returned." Dumbledore said sombrely, and Remus' eyes widened before the Headmaster added sadly: "I feel she may need your comfort and friendship while she readjusts to the time."

"I will be there momentarily." Remus affirmed, before bidding farewell.

He stood, not bothering to brush the dust and ash from his knees, and looked at the engraved wooden box that sat upon the mantle. It was not very large, but it was deceitful like that, having been placed under several expansion spells. Remus opened it slightly, giving a sad smile full of memories to the contents.

Snapping the lid shut, he came through the fireplace, and was met by Dumbledore on the other side.

**

Feeling better the second time she awoke, Hermione pondered sadly the world she had returned to; James and Lily were gone, buried in the small cemetery at Godric's Hollow, Peter was a traitor, and Sirius – her wonderful Sirius – was lost, fallen through the veil in the Department of Mysteries nearly two years previous. Then there was Remus, poor, abandoned Remus: the last of the true Marauders.

It was enough to give her cause to break down once more, but she found she had no tears left in her to cry.

The creak of a door brought her attention to Dumbledore, making his quiet entrance with a cup of steaming tea which he handed to her without comment. She gave a weak smile of thanks, and sipped it quietly.

"Miss Granger, for the last hour you have been frozen in time here, leaving a vacant shell. It is complex, but effectively you were split in two, placing the active part of you in the past, and leaving the passive behind. It was a reaction of the time-turner with the hex, you see." Dumbledore explained to her softly.

It was indeed confusing: for a while there had been two of her, one in the past and one in the present. That was all she needed to understand at the moment, Albus confided, but if she was curious still later on, he would give her more instruction on the phenomenon.

She nodded gratefully, finishing her cup of tea. Her head wasn't in the mood for wrapping around bizarre magical accidents just yet.

"I have called upon a friend of yours." Dumbledore told her kindly, indicating to the door of the private study. "Go through there; he is waiting for you."

With energy that belied her current bodily and mental exhaustion, she dashed through the entrance to see Remus standing by the fireplace, a carved wooden box in his hands which was placed upon the mantlepiece when he caught sight of her.

Hermione ran into his arms, holding him tightly and burying her head into his shoulder as the werewolf's arms wrapped around her protectively.

"Remus, Remus…" She repeated his name over and over, knowing that he was the only one who could understand how she felt now. Not even Harry or Ron could relate to her current feelings.

"I know." He consoled her gently.

They stayed locked together for an eternity, until Hermione felt strong enough to stand on her own at which point they began to talk, a conversation that covered much.

"Hermione, this is for you. Open it when you are alone some place." Remus told her, having accio-ed the box over to them. She nodded acquiescence, feeling confused and curious at the same time.

**

Four hours later, Harry, Ginny and Ron had been allowed to see her, and she had forced on a brave face for them, but now, sitting by herself in the room Dumbledore had given permission for her to use, she considered the wooden box Remus had gifted to her.

Sitting on the bed, she opened the lid.

Inside, resting on red velvet was the Sirius' drawing from when he was de-aged. Her heart very nearly stopped as she stared at the parchment. A tentative finger was run across the image, and Hermione's heart felt both chilled and warmed seeing it again.

Beneath it was the underwear that Sirius had made for her, never having found the right moment to hand them to her, never being able to see her indignant, but secretly pleased, reaction.

Hermione couldn't help but laugh, although it was part choking sob, and she pulled the garments out and folded them neatly, before setting them in the drawer. Sirius: always the ladies man. She sighed forlornly, thinking about what awaited her in the next few days. There were some things she need desperately to do.

**

"Thanks for coming with me, Remus." Hermione murmured to the werewolf, her friend now nearly twenty years her senior.

"Of course, Hermione." He answered, inclining his head. "We'll always be there for each other." He smiled at her, and she returned it.

The pair walked slowly down the pathway that split the cemetery, keeping an eye out for the pair of graves that were their aim. It took very little time to find them.

_Here lie James Charlus Potter and Lily Marguerite Potter nee Evans,_

_Defiant until death, whereupon acceptance fell._

Their dates of birth followed this inscription, and Hermione knelt sadly before the twin graves of white marble, placing a wreath of flowers against them.

"I hope you remembered." She whispered to Lily and James' headstones. "I still love you. Both of you."

She stayed with Remus for a good hour or two, but as rain set in they continued on their way. One of her needs accomplished.

The second thing that she wished to do required her to find Neville, which she managed to do one afternoon by locating him in greenhouse number four. He knew very vaguely her incredible tale, but it still shocked him when she asked what she did: that the next time he was to visit his parents, would he mind terribly if she accompanied him?

He stumbled over a 'yes', confused but not unhappy about her request, and they planned to make the solemn visit over the holiday that was creeping closer.

While she awaited the break, Hermione wrote a letter to Sirius. Pouring her feelings onto paper was cathartic, and when she had finished it she reread it contents, allowing herself to cry softly to herself before politely asking Dumbledore if he minded her borrowing Fawkes.

She and the phoenix were standing on the Headmaster's balcony, watching as the sun fell below the mountains in the distance.

"Well, Fawkes." She murmured, stroking the glorious bird's feathers. "This is it."

The phoenix took the letter in its talons and took flight; soaring through the evening sky as its song echoed over the school grounds. Just as the sun vanished, the letter caught flame and its cinders and ash was taken up by the gentle breeze.

This too shall pass, Hermione thought sagely, watching as Fawkes continued to sing.

Life goes on.

**

Alice and Frank's situation was much more taxing on Hermione, as their suffering was so apparent, and their lack of recognition for their own son was heart wrenching. Strangely, Alice seemed to recognise deep down that Hermione was somebody she knew (perhaps it was because of the way she looked the same as when Alice had last seen her) but this fleeting knowledge merely made her friendly, not any more responsive.

So it was that Hermione and Neville left the ward carrying empty sweet wrappers clenched tightly in their hands, a promise of repeat visits on their lips.

"Hermione?" Neville asked, breaking the silence between them.

"Hmm?" She murmured, glancing at him.

"Thank you."

They shared a smile, trying not to notice the sadness that would always seem to creep in after such encounters with Neville's parents.

Remus stood from the chair where he waited to take them back to school, and Hermione felt strangely happier than any other time since her return to the nineties.

The clouds were dissipating, and the tiniest beam of sunshine managed to break through her barriers.

***Cries* How tragic for her… but I think it's also kind of happy too, I mean, she still has Remus… and now she might, kind-a have Neville… I like Neville. =D**

**Please review. And do tell me if you want a Happy Alternate Ending for our Heroine and her Darlings.**


	7. Alternate Ending, by popular demand

**ALTERNATE ENDING – for fear of being verbally butchered any more by you reviewers ^_^  
(In defence of the original, I thought it proper for her to return home with happy memories, but to a time where none of it was possible. I didn't want much to have changed since she left – because she'd sort of been in both places at once…) **

**I liked the last one, but I understand the need for a happier ending. So here it is:**

Hermione's eyelids fluttered open, and her vision swam for a few moments before it finally settled, surprisingly revealing Dumbledore, tea cup in hand, sitting in a plush chair beside her makeshift cot.

He smiled, and pushed the tea into her hands.

"Welcome, Miss Granger."

The brunette wasn't quite at her full strength, still feeling rather tired from the crying fit she had fallen into as she left, but if she had been, she no doubt would have noted the way Dumbledore hadn't added the word 'back' to his greeting.

"Miss Granger, I'd like you to tell me what you experienced in the last forty minutes."

Stealing a look at the white haired Headmaster, Hermione saw that his eyes were alight with both curiosity and caution. She nodded.

"I spent over half a year in the seventies, in the same year as the Marauders. It was my time turner - it broke, and everything went blurry and when I woke up, I was in the past." She explained; brows furrowed.

Dumbledore indicated she should drink some more of her tea, and, as it was, she didn't hesitate at all, and swallowed the another mouthful of the calming tea. She placed the cup on the table beside her, but paused as her eyes blurred for a split second.

_James and Lily waved at Harry as they saw him off at Platform 9 ¾ during their first year, the train billowing smoke as Harry and Neville waved back from the window of the carriage. James caught her eye and winked, sending her a kindly smile which she returned, despite not knowing quite who he was._

Hermione blinked profusely until she regained her full sight. It was a memory, but as far as she knew it hadn't… She thought back to her first experience going through the barrier when she was eleven, but every memory seemed to have snippets of James and Lily Potter. They had been there.

A sharp breath was inhaled, and she looked questioningly at the Headmaster.

"It is currently the year 1997, forty or so minutes after you were sent back in time."

As she lifted up her tea cup again, Hermione he registered the effects that the date had on the life she had initially left behind; Sirius had died, James and Lily had died, and Frank and Alice were insane.

"Si-Sirius?" She stammered quietly, her limbs becoming weak with dread. The tea cup rattled on the saucer.

Dumbledore looked at her curiously, before taking the china out of her shaking hands.

"Sirius is waiting to be called."

Her gasp was loud, and her hand flew to her mouth in shock – Sirius was alive; she had changed the past (or was it the future?).

"Please." She begged the older wizard, who nodded and stood, entering his office to make a floo call to Grimmauld Place.

Not five minutes later, Sirius – healthy, clean shaven and _alive_ – walked through the doorway to where Hermione was carefully getting to her feet.

He seemed unsure as to how he should behave, but Hermione made the decision for him by running as fast as she could until she collided with his firm body, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him close. He lovingly curled his own arms around her, and buried his face in her hair as she practically sobbed into his shirt.

"Sirius – my Sirius – alive….God, Merlin…love you."

He couldn't understand any of her incoherent mumblings, muffled as they were by his cotton shirt, but he murmured sweet nothings into her ear and waited for her to regain some semblance of control.

While she clutched the eldest Black son to her, she was accosted by another memory.

_She was about thirteen or fourteen, at Harry's parents' house with Neville and Ron. It was Harry's birthday, and everyone was laughing and joking around after dinner. There were several pictures on the mantelpiece that Hermione watched, intrigued. The ones she was drawn to, however, all showed a group of Hogwarts students that included Harry's parents, and Harry's quasi-Uncle, Remus Lupin._

_The other boy, a man really, with dark curly hair was Sirius Black. He was Harry's Godfather, but Hermione had never met him. He always seemed particularly cheerful in the pictures when she was around, and he was by far her favourite of the Marauders (the stories had been told many times over the years). She found it strange, that Sirius Black was never there at Harry's birthdays or Christmas but she never said anything, and was embarrassed to be caught staring at the handsome youth by James Potter. Harry's father merely grinned roguishly and said something strange about the timeline that Hermione didn't understand._

Pulling her tear stained face from Sirius' chest, Hermione weakly slapped his shoulder.

"You bastard, you stayed away from me - all this time, and you knew!"

She was laughing and crying and trying to be angry, but in the end she was just too relieved to find that he was there, with her, and as alive as he could be. She peppered his face with kisses before finally wiping the tears from her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, my beautiful girl." Sirius murmured, looking only the tiniest bit ashamed for his somewhat cowardly separation over the years of this altered reality.

It was as if she was a sponge, soaking up the memories from the altered reality, and she could sense that her other life was fading away, giving her the sensation that it had all been a dream - complex and real, but a dream nonetheless.

Now, she was home, in this reality where Neville and Harry were practically brothers (Lily was Neville's Godmother), Sirius had never been to Azkaban, and Frank and Alice had been murdered by Voldemort on Neville's first birthday – finding, albeit in the saddest possible manner, the peace that eluded them in their other existence.

"-call the others?"

She focussed her attention on Sirius when she realised he was asking her a question.

"Sorry; I was daydreaming."

Sirius smirked, but repeated himself anyway, withholding any remarks.

"Shall we floo call the others?"

Hermione brightened and nodded eagerly - she would see James and Lily Potter as adults; her good friends, alive and well and able to care for their son and godson.

The group, both students and adults (minus Remus, who'd had to leave for a prior engagement), were seated in the Room of Requirement, having adapted itself to a library-lounge hybrid – most cradled drinks of alcoholic nature or, if too young, pumpkin juice. Harry had a strange look on his face, trying to wrap his head around the bizarre information that Hermione was friends with his parents (heck, practically dating his Godfather!), while Neville was looking wistful, as if he was imagining his own parents at their age (he would ask about them later, when Hermione was better rested).

Hermione had been slyly stealing glances at Harry's parents as she snuggled next to Sirius on the squishy two-seater loung, while every now and then recalling some of her Non-Memories and feeling as if her other life had been merely a vague dream from her childhood that she barely remembered.

"What's the matter, sweets?" Sirius murmured gently, his breath shifting the soft curls near her ear. She squirmed, although she liked the feeling; knowing he was beside her.

"Everything has changed." She whispered, needing to explain her overwhelmed reactions since her return. "I have two sets of memories from before I travelled through time."

Sirius cocked an eyebrow, curiosity and worry both reaching his eyes.

"Except," she continued, "I only remember them both now; since I've been back."

"Strange." Sirius responded, and followed her gaze as it settled on the Potters, and then Neville. "What was it like?" He pressed, although he immediately felt selfish as her body beside him tensed.

"It- it's like a dream now…a hazy memory of a dream." She recalled, speaking quietly so as to keep any attention from them. "But it was so very different. Horrible, really, compared to this."

She paused, but spoke once again a few moments later, again in that quiet voice.

"I think I changed the past." Hermione said, wetting her lips nervously. "I can only remember tiny snippets now, and they get vaguer each time I consider them, but I definitely remember that before I left, Alice and Frank were-" The brunette held in sob, burrowing into Sirius' side for comfort as she tried to stay composed and quiet.

"They were in St Mungo's, tortured to insanity by Bellatrix." She finished, willing her tears not to fall. "And Harry… he was- it wasn't Neville- Harry was the Chosen One. He carried the scar…"

Sirius looked shocked, but covered the expression quickly, returning to a more neutral face.

"James…Lily – they were…?" He whispered, questioningly. Hermione nodded and he inhaled a sharp breath.

"That's not the worst part." She stated, almost too quietly for him to hear. Not that it seemed to matter, because he seemed to understand, and in an action derived from protection, comfort and pity he wrapped his arms around her tightly and kissed her head.

"None of that matters now, Hermione. You understand that, yeah?" He murmured. "You came to us, and it seems you saved us all. We're here now, and we all love you. This is reality; no dream."

She smiled, although it still looked slightly watery.

"I'm glad for it."

He kissed her softly, before pulling away with a cheeky grin.

"I think we need some more cheer in this room." Sirius announced to the room, garnering everybody's attention.

"Wizards Twister. Now. All of you."

With a swish of his hand the centre of the room was cleared and the coloured dots appeared on the ground.

"There is no way you're getting me twisted around on that game – not again, anyway." Lily commented, although she placed her wand in the air before her; it stayed magically afloat, and she grinned as the instructions appeared in a circle around it. "I'm not opposed to being in charge though."

James smirked.

"You never are."

He dodged her playful punch with an ease that came from years of practice.

"Right foot on blue." Lily instructed the unstable group of boys, men and girl.

Hermione was creating a bridge with her legs on one end of the mat (on the green dots), and hands on the red (furthest away, naturally). She was managing, somehow, to avoid kneeing Neville in his groin while she manoeuvred her right foot to a blue dot. Unfortunately, Sirius had grabbed the closest one, needing it desperately if he was going to remain in the game (and not collapsing onto the rest of them), and James had the one beside it.

Although, as she looked at the older Potter, she had to laugh. His legs were crossed awkwardly now, and he looked as if a feather could knock him over. She smirked, before sliding her leg below his stomach and waiting for the next direction from Lily.

"Left hand on green!" Lily crowed, watching her husband flop ungracefully onto the floor, wiping out Harry in the process.

"Potters' are out for the count!" Sirius crowed gleefully at them, launching his upper torso towards the green. Neville was concentrating on not falling, but Hermione sneakily chose to place her hand (leaning backwards now) onto the green dot most convenient for the orphan lad, and he only barely managed to hold himself up as he chose another, while Hermione leaned over one of his legs.

Sirius, all of a sudden, yelped as his feet slid out from under him (Hermione noted that James had a look of innocence that was, in itself, rather suspicious. She remained silent about this, however - she wanted to win!)

Neville barked out a laugh, and Hermione allowed herself a giggle as Lily called out between snickers, "Right hand blue."

Hermione reached to perform that action, but both her laughter and tired arms prevented her and she ended up on the floor, looking up at Sirius with a smile, despite losing the game.

Neville whooped, and the group laughed together for a few moments. Hermione felt that life had always been like this: Harry's family, along with Neville, playing games and being silly, laughing at the strangest things. And Sirius; Sirius was looking at her with such a mixture of love and lust that she felt she might explode if he kissed her right here.

"Alright, kids." Sirius said, addressing everyone, though his eyes remained on Hermione. "Time for bed."

James smirked again, and Lily beamed at them as she herded her son and godson from the room. Hermione barely registered James' final, parting remark. In fact, come to think of it, she didn't register it at all (not that it really mattered – she knew it would be something appropriately vulgar, the cheeky boy. Man.)

However, all thoughts of James were pushed from her mind as Sirius invaded her presence with his own. He was strong, broad and handsome, filling up her senses with everything Sirius.

Fingers entwined themselves into her hair, and she shuddered pleasantly under his touch, feeling weak in the knees. His breath and lips ghosted across her cheek, before coming to a stop before her mouth.

"Merlin, I love you, Hermione." He whispered, before pressing his lips against hers. She latched herself to him, pulling him as close as he could go.

When he began to pepper kisses against her neck, she brokenly, through gasps of pleasure, replied.

"I lov-oh, Sirius! Merlin! I love you-so much."

As her fingers pulled softly through his dark tresses, he pulled back gently, looking her in the eyes.

"This is reality, Hermione. I'm here forever."

She smiled.

"I know. And your mine."

**Naw. Happy(er) ending. It's not the best; I'll admit I was struggling a little. But hey: people are alive, and Neville's parents are free… everyone is in lurrrrve. *hem. Yeah. I hope you like it. They played twister =D**

**In other news, I made a Pocahontas dress (for ice-skating in!). Yay. Nimiko: Disney is the shiz. And you're amazing.**


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor