Sailor Moon Your Horoscope Today

Author's Note: I don't own Sailor Moon or Weird Al's Horoscopes song. Hope you enjoy.

"Heeheehee!" a little giggle cut through the nine girls, three boys, and two cats gathered in the room.

"Minako! Put down that magazine and concentrate!" Rei snapped.

"But Rei, it has the best horoscopes! Well, I mean, the best besides yours of course!" the blond hastily amended.

"We are SUPPOSED to be discussing senshi business!" Luna reminded them sharply.

"Aww come on Luna! Let's see here…' Aquarius! There is travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day!'" Minako read.

"I hate that game," Haruka rolled her eyes.

"Same here and I would not even go near a bus," Yaten sniffed.

Luna and Artemis sighed and gave up trying to get them back on task.

"What's the next one?" Makoto asked.

"'Pisces! Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus. You are the true Lord of the Dance no matter what those idiots at work say.', "Minako read. Michiru just smiled.

"Those horoscopes are a bunch of crap!" Rei snapped.

"Just wait until you hear yours! 'Aries! The look on your face will be priceless with you find that forty-pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf and give a hickey to Meryl Streep.' Minako could hardly read she was laughing so hard.

Rei growled.

"At least you're not a Taurus. Listen to this one- 'Taurus! You will never find happiness. Whachya gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep'" Minako grinned.

"What am I ?" Usagi asked, confused.

"Cancer since your birthday is June 30," Seiya told her.

"Good thing your not a Gemini, Usagi. 'Gemini! Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancée hurls a javelin through your chest.' Man, I hope no one is a Gemini," Minako laughed.

"I am doubting the creditability of this publication's predictions," Taiki said, sighing.

"Here's yours, Usagi. 'Cancer! The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test'" Minako read.

"Wahhhhhhh!" Usagi wailed, edging away from Makoto.

"It's ok, Odangos. There is no duct tape and we aren't letting you drive, "Seiya teased her.

"I wouldn't be laughing, Seiya. Yours is pretty good," Yaten smirked.

" 'Leo! Now is not a good time to photo copy your butt and staple it to your bosses face, oh no. Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quick' ," Minako read, laughing.

"Why would I EVER do that to Princess Kakyuu!" Seiya asked, appalled.

"You tell us," Taiki said, raising an eyebrow. Seiya rolled his eyes.

"Mamoru is a Leo…," Usagi said.

"Now Mamoru would do that," Luna commented but no one heard her.

"Here is yours, Ami-chan! 'Virgo! All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent, except for you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.' Yikes…" She winced.

"That is certainly very off!" Ami said evenly.

"Actually, the magazine says these are true. 'Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special, deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid scientific documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to understand that every single of them is absolutely true...where was I?' "she read. "See, they are all correct. "

Ami sighed.

"Oh! Here is mine! 'Libra! A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week..' WHAT! "Minako screamed. She growled and tossed the magazine aside.

Makoto picked it up. "Here is yours Setsuna. 'Scorpio! Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak' Ouch, harsh, "she said.

"I'm not surprised," Setsuna shrugged.

"Oh! Mine is..interesting. 'Sagittarius! All your friends are laughing behind your back- KILL THEM! Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den'," Makoto read.

There was silence, everyone looking at Makoto.

"I'm not going to kill you guys! And Ernest looks like my old sempi," she giggled. Everyone looked at her, eyes wide.

"Just kidding!" Makoto assured them.

'Riiiiggghhhttt…." Rei said slowly.

"Here's is yours Hotaru- 'Capricorn! The stars say you're and exciting and wonderful person, but you know their lying. If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never, never, never, never, never leave my house again.' " Makoto read.

"Yeah, I tried that and then turned into the Messiah of Silence so I don't think I will do that again," Hotaru said.

Luna snatched the magazine from Makoto's hands and tossed it in Rei's fire.

"Now girls, lets get back to senshi business," Luna ordered sharply.

They grumbled but obeyed.

(Hotaru)


End file.

Sailor Moon