Harry Potter 1. Peter Pettigrew's Lament

**_"Plaisir D'Amour"_**

by Midnightmarshmallow

**Peter Pettigrew's Lament**

"July 12.

I know what people think of me. They think I'm a coward of a man with the inability to love, that I have no loyalty, no morals. And they are right. But they weren't always right. There was a time, long ago, when I wasn't just a figure cowering in the shadows, betraying anyone and doing anything to win the favor of whoever held power. I betrayed because I was betrayed. I was betrayed by my friends, by my family… by my love.… And like the fool I am, I still love her! That's the most pathetic part of my story. After all the years, and after all the changes in my life, the one thing that stays the same is that one woman is constantly on my mind, taunting me, laughing at me for being the worthless rat that I truly am. I knew she didn't love me from the beginning, but she at least tolerated me, pretended to like me. If she could see me now, see what I've become… I would disgust her. But I will never see her again, except in the images imprinted permanently in my mind. She's gone, probably somewhere enjoying life without me, maybe forgetting my existence entirely. Still, I wonder, if I had treated her as she should have been treated, if I had loved her more, if I had done something else to make her happy, would she have stayed? That is the question that haunts me every day and night of my life. I know I'll never know the answer, because letting her go was like blowing out the one candle in this world, and when I did it, I condemned myself to a darkness that is so strong, I can never find my escape."

Peter Pettigrew dropped the book in his hands and hissed in pain, clutching his arm. He raised the sleeve of his robes and saw the black, charred-looking mark on his arm as the pain seared through his skin. It was like a cattle brand, letting the world know who they were and ensuring that they would always belong to the Dark Lord. They were all nothing more to him than cattle, to be used for his profit and then done away with whenever they weren't useful anymore. That was one of Peter's deepest fears, and he did everything in his power to make sure that never happened. He knew he had to go to the Dark Lord, whether he liked it or not.

"I never deserved her," was his last bitter thought before he hid the book away in a box under the bed and stood to leave the room. "It's time to go serve my master."

**A/N: If you're interested in where this is going, review, because that's the way to get me to post more. I hope to get the first real chapter of the story posted before the end of the week. I've hit a patch of writer's block, though, so that may not happen. I got a bad review for my novel today so I'm feeling a bit upset about it, but if you like this and you give me a really nice review, I might feel motivated to write more! I have an interesting story planned!**


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I began this story back in 2006. Today is April 27th, 2009, and I've finally come back to it per a friend's request. I've got the whole story planned out now, at least vaguely, and I'm enjoying writing it in my free time during school, so I wouldn't worry about having to wait another three years for a chapter. Reviews would be great, too, since this is my first serious fanfiction and I think it's one that people might find a little strange… Taking an evil person and trying to make them seem less evil, I mean. So feedback would be spectacular. Thank you. (Also, the format of this first chapter is sort of odd, but please bear with me.)

An excerpt from Peter Pettigrew's journal:

I was not an innately cowardly child. Had I been, the sorting hat never would have placed me in Gryffindor. I would have found myself among my fellow future Death Eaters, and I never would have met _her_. At least, I never would have considered her worthy of my attention, blinded by my Slytherin conceit as I would have been. And my life would have had no meaning, beyond perceived superiority and an eternity of servitude to my Lord.

What a tragedy that would have been, not to know her as I knew her then. She was by far the most beautiful and intelligent witch at the school… and that's without even mentioning her kindness, which surpassed everyone else I knew.

Her name was Heather Earnhardt, and I met her on my very first day at Hogwarts. I remember thinking how pretty she was as the sorting hat touched her head and instantaneously bellowed, "Ravenclaw!" I had no idea then that in a few short years, she would be the love of my life. Or that, six years later, I would never see her again.

* * * * * * *

Heather's POV

"Hey! Heather! Oh my God, I haven't seen you in so long!" a voice exclaimed while I was attacked by a mane of bright red hair. Lily finally released me, gave me a once-over, and grinned. "You look great!"

"Thanks, so do you," I answered honestly with a smile. She scoffed.

"Right. I have at least ten new freckles. Summer is cruel," she sighed a tad dramatically, then laughed at herself.

I allowed her to drag me onto the train and choose a compartment for us to ride in. We had shown up at the platform earlier than most people, so it wasn't hard to find an empty compartment. We sat chatting for a while as students piled onto the train, creating a rumble of excited voices in the hallway.

"So did you have fun with Petunia this summer?" I asked innocently, trying not to grin.

Lily groaned and rested her head in her hands. "Oh yes, it was delightful. She ignored me all summer."

Lily was my best friend in the whole world. We would have spent part of the summer holiday together, in fact, if it hadn't been for Petunia. My parents decided to go on vacation to Indonesia, and being the adventurers that they are, they wanted to stay with the Korowai tribe for three weeks. I pleaded with them to let me go to Lily's house while they were away. Don't get me wrong, I love a good adventure. The thing is, my idea of an adventure does not involve living in a tree house for the better part of a month, risking being cannibalized if I anger the locals in some way. (It's said that the Korowai tribe has practiced cannibalism for centuries and may still be doing it today. This, my parents say, only makes it more interesting. Go figure.)

Everything had been arranged for me to visit… That is, until Petunia caught wind of it. She threw such an enormous fit that we _had_ to cancel; there was just no way around it. She said she refused to accept another 'freak' running around the house… and then she threw a vase at the wall. I would be happy that I never had to meet her, except that it meant three weeks in Indonesia for me. I swear, that girl is more of a witch than Lily and I will _ever_ be.

Just as I was about to respond, the compartment door squeaked open and a male voice spoke. "Well, look what we have here."

"Ugh, Potter," Lily sighed disgustedly. He merely grinned widely in answer.

"Yes, dearest Lily flower?"

"I swear, you are the worst stalker on the face of planet. How do you always manage to show up wherever I happen to be?"

"Let's say it's a gift I have. Do you mind if my friends and I sit in here with the two of you?"

"Yes. Why don't you sit somewhere else?" she demanded.

"Well, you see, I would… Actually, no, let's be honest, I wouldn't. But even if I would, it's impossible. Every other compartment is full by now," he explained, then sat down without permission, beckoning his three friends to follow behind him.

"And we should have to suffer for your tardiness?" Lily mumbled miserably under her breath. Poor thing, she really detested James and his little troop of prankster friends. I personally found them amusing, but I would never admit it to her; she'd completely flip out.

James either didn't hear her or pretended he didn't, and proceeded to strike up a conversation with the dark-haired boy beside him.

I took this moment to observe the three other boys. They were the normal group that followed him around: Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew. Of course I knew all of them, but I couldn't claim to know them well. I knew Remus best out of all of them, and he was definitely a decent guy… Intelligent and kind, there was nothing to complain about in his personality. Sirius was slightly irritating in the way that he used and threw away girls like tissue paper, but undeniably charming. And Peter Pettigrew, well… he just sort of faded into the background. I knew nothing about him at all, except that he was quiet and didn't draw as much attention to himself as the others did.

I realized that while I had been lost in my thoughts, everyone in the room had paired off and engrossed themselves in conversation. Sirius and James were knee-deep in plans for their first prank of the year, and Remus was distracting Lily from said plans with a discussion on what we were probably going to start off studying in Defense Against the Dark Arts this year. Peter and I were the only ones sitting in thoughtful silence, so I decided to break it to avoid any awkwardness.

"So Peter, how was your summer?"

He looked quite surprised that I had addressed him. I knew he was shy, but he was giving off the impression of being almost too frightened to answer. Finally, he found his voice and said, "Good… it was nice to be with family again for a while. How was yours?"

"Awful," I answered with a grin. "I was stuck in a tree house in Indonesia for three weeks."

He gave me a confused glance. "… Come again?"

I laughed and then launched animatedly into the story of how my parents had roped me into going to Indonesia with them, and how I had no way to avoid it, what with Lily's sister being an evil magic-hater and all. By the time I'd finished, all feelings of discomfort between us were gone.

"She seriously threw a vase at the wall?" he asked.

I nodded. "Shattered it into a thousand pieces. While screeching like a maniac. Or so Lily says. I wasn't there obviously, so I couldn't give a full account."

"Wow, Muggles really are crazy," he observed with wide eyes.

"Oh no, not all of them, just her apparently. My parents are Muggles and they're completely normal. Well, except for wanting to sleep in trees with a bunch of cannibals, that is."

The rest of the train ride passed easily, with conversation flowing between everyone in the compartment. James and Lily didn't communicate much (although James did try in vain a few times to get her attention), so there was no tension in the air. It wasn't long before the train pulled to a stop under a purple sky, the castle visible in the distance.

A few weeks after arriving at Hogwarts, the schoolwork was already being piled on. Every class seemed to leave Lily and me with hours of homework and studying to do each night, leaving little time for socializing. That didn't stop James and his cronies from showing up every evening in the library so that he could attempt to pester Lily into going out with him.

"No, Potter, I won't go out with you," Lily sighed monotonously for the umpteenth time that week. She was saying it so often that she was beginning to lose the conviction in her voice.

"Admit it, Evans, we'd be great together," he tried with a wink, but to no avail.

"… That was sort of creepy, please don't do that again," Lily requested. Then she propped her Charms book up perpendicular to the table and dived into the chapter on the Unforgiveable Curses, refusing to acknowledge his presence further.

The next day, the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw fourth years had Potions class together. Lily and I were sitting next to each other, she diligently taking notes while I doodled absentmindedly. I was a Ravenclaw, true, and usually that would suggest that I'd be working just as hard as Lily, but Potions came naturally to me and I didn't _have_ to work hard at it. I had already read this chapter anyway, and so I was content to draw little dancing kneazles on my parchment and listen to bits and pieces of Professor Slughorn's lecture.

When I heard my name called, however, my head shot up and I couldn't stop myself from letting out a confused "Huh?"

"I said, Miss Earnhardt, you will be paired with Mr. Pettigrew," Slughorn informed me.

I still had no idea what was going on. "Er, okay," I answered.

Slughorn finished reading off pairs of names and there was a loud shuffling of chairs as everyone moved to take a seat by their partner. Peter came over and sat in the desk that Lily had abandoned to sit next to her partner, Remus.

"Hey," I greeted him with a smile. "Looks like we're partners."

"Yeah," he answered a bit shyly.

"So um… can you fill me in a bit on what's going on? I wasn't entirely paying attention," I admitted, feeling a bit ashamed of myself. "I was busy drawing kneazles." I raised my parchment to show him the furry little creatures that were dancing vivaciously across the page.

He laughed, a bit nervously; I think he was still getting adjusted to my excessive talkativeness and figuring out how to respond. He answered, "We have to research different ingredients and their properties to make our own potion."

"Oh, seriously? That sounds like so much fun!" I enthused. "I've always wanted to do that."

Slughorn broke into our conversation by placing a piece of parchment on the table and announcing to the class, "This is the list of appropriate ingredients to use in your potion, and what you absolutely must not mix together. It is vital that you follow these instructions exactly; otherwise, the consequences could be very dangerous. I expect you to be responsible with this, ladies and gentlemen!" I found it somewhat concerning the way that most people were tuning him out, but fortunately Peter seemed attentive enough.

Class was dismissed and everyone rushed out of the dungeon, headed towards their final class of the day. I stopped Peter in the hallway to discuss our project, and we made plans to meet the next day in the library at six o'clock. We would be working on this project together for the next two and a half weeks, and since it was a large portion of our final Potions grade, I was determined to work on it as conscientiously as possible. That meant frequent meetings with Peter, as well as research on my own. Luckily, he was being very cooperative and thoughtful about the whole thing. It looked as if working with Peter Pettigrew could be a pleasant experience.

A/N: Thank you very much for reading. Now please review, it will seriously make my day. =)


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I _told_ you it wouldn't take another three years to update! Haha. I hope you enjoy this chapter; I tried to give a little insight into Peter's insecurities – he has a lot of 'em. =P

Peter's POV

Heather has to be one of the strangest girls I've ever met. She barely knows me, but she talks to me like we've been friends for years. Although we're just acquaintances, I feel sort of fond of her already. It would be nice to be friends with her.

Unfortunately, that's definitely impossible. You see, not many people view me as a candidate for friendship, especially not girls. I'm nice enough, they say. It's just that, well, I seem to always leave something to be desired. Oh, I'm not hideous, but I'm no Sirius Black. I'm kind of smart, but I don't have the brains that everyone admires Remus for. And I _certainly_ don't have the charisma that James charms the ladies with. At all. I'm just quiet little Peter Pettigrew.

So color me surprised when Heather Earnhardt strikes up a conversation with me on the Hogwarts Express. I'm sure the majority of it was out of politeness, seeing as we were the only two in the compartment not engaged in discussion, but even so, I enjoyed myself. She was very entertaining, with her lively recounts of her summer in Indonesia. I was really nervous at the beginning of our conversation, afraid that I would mess up somehow and make her dislike me. The more she talked, though, the more I began to loosen up. I couldn't help it, her bubbly personality was infectious.

After the train ride was over, though, I found myself regretting talking to her. Look back, it was much too easy to recall the briefest flashes of surprise and uncertainty on her face and make them out to be more than they probably were. I was paranoid, sure, but I couldn't help but believe I had turned her against me. She _must_ think I'm weird, or annoying, or _something._ How could she not? I had been in my three friends' shadows for my entire time at Hogwarts, and now that someone was seeing me for me, on my own, with no other Marauders to hide behind, I wasn't sure I liked it.

She and I didn't speak for weeks after arriving at Hogwarts and, humiliated though I was, I did my best to forget about the incident. I fulfilled my role as loyal Wormtail, following Moony, Padfoot and Prongs around.

We were at breakfast one morning before class and I watched as Sirius loaded a large pile of food onto his plate, shoveling it into his mouth as James shared his plans for a prank on Lucius Malfoy.

"We should do something to that silky blond hair of his," James suggested.

"But wha'?" Sirius asked around a mouthful of sausage. (That's what she said.) "We already dyed it purple las' year."

"I say this time, it all comes off."

Sirius laughed, choked momentarily on his breakfast, coughed, and laughed some more. "He'll die! His hair is his life, the very air he breathes!"

"It all comes off as in… falls out?" Remus clarified.

"Of course. I found the perfect potion. All we've got to do is bribe a house elf to sneak into the Slytherin dormitories, find the boy with the long blond hair, and pour it on his head," explained James.

"That's brilliant, mate," Sirius complimented, "but… what if he finds the wrong person?"

"Well then, that just makes it even better, doesn't it?" We all laughed at the thought of someone we didn't even know waking up to find their long blond tresses conspicuously absent. Usually, long blond hair is a rarity in a guy, but not with the Slytherins; they're all a little strange.

Classes were torturous and long. The day started off with Transfiguration with the Slytherins (during which James transfigured a box into a miniature lion that ran up to Severus Snape and roared directly in his face. He got a week's detention for that). Then it was Charms with Hufflepuff, Care of Magical Creatures with Slytherin again, and finally, Potions with Ravenclaw.

Slughorn was extremely boring, as usual. Actually, I've never been sure if it was him or the class that irritated me to no end, but all that really mattered was I dreaded my time in this room. Today was slightly different, though; after lecturing on today's lesson for most of class, Slughorn made an announcement.

"As you know, we've recently been studying the formulation of original potions: how it's done, as well as specific cases in the past. Well, we're going to put that knowledge to good use on a little project. It will span the course of two and a half weeks, during which you'll be working with a partner to create your own potion. There will be certain ingredients you are allowed to use; any ingredients not on that list will get you both a failing grade, so take note. Now, I'm going to name off the pairs so you'll all know who you're working with. Mr. Potter will be working with Mr. Black – no, how did that get there? I know I wouldn't have paired the two of you together…"

James grinned at Sirius, who laughed under his breath. Slughorn attempted to cross out Sirius's name and put someone else's beside James's, but mysteriously, his quill couldn't make a mark on the parchment.

"Oh, no matter. Just know I'll be keeping an eye on you two!" he cautioned. James discretely high-fived his partner under the table.

Slughorn continued naming the pairs off until finally he said, "Miss Earnhardt and Mr. Pettigrew –"

"Huh?" she exclaimed suddenly and loudly. Oh no. She was horrified that she'd have to talk to me some more, I knew it.

"I said, Miss Earnhardt, you will be paired with Mr. Pettigrew," he repeated.

"Er, okay," she murmured quietly.

Everyone moved to sit with their partners, so I went up tentatively to the seat next to Heather. She nodded slightly towards the chair, and I took that as a sign that she wouldn't mind _too_ much if I sat down, so I did.

It turns out she hadn't been paying attention in class at all that day and needed me to fill her in. I didn't mind; I felt sort of useful, in fact, being able to explain something to someone. It didn't happen often.

Heather seemed oddly ecstatic at the prospect of making her own potion. I could tell already that Ravenclaw suited her. We arranged to meet at the library at six o'clock the next evening.

Later that night, James, Sirius, Remus and I were in our dormitory just chilling out. Sirius and James were plotting what devious potion they could concoct for their project, throwing ideas around.

"A potion to temporarily change someone into the opposite gender would be nice," James suggested.

"Sevvy with boobs… a sight I never want to see," interpolated Remus with a laugh.

"It's genius, though," Sirius threw in. "If only we could make certain parts last longer than the rest…"

"So dear Narcissa can walk around with a mustache for a few days?" James asked casually from the chair in the corner of the room.

"Exactly, Prongs. That would be great, my good old cousin has it coming to her anyway," answered Sirius.

I never was an active part of these conversations. I would laugh at the jokes and try to seem as if I was a part of what was going on, but the division was evident. I didn't contribute much, I just followed them around sort of in awe. I knew in my heart that no matter how hard I tried to emulate them, I never would really fit in.

As I was brooding over this thought, the discussion suddenly changed course. I looked up to see Sirius looking at me thoughtfully. "What?" I questioned.

"You got partnered with Heather Earnhardt, didn't you?" he asked.

I didn't see why he would be interested. Unless… Oh wait, it was Sirius Black, infamous ladies' man. _Now_ I saw why he would be interested. Unsurely, I said, "Yeah… why?"

"Aww, Wormtail's got himself a little crush," he cackled delightedly. _What?_ A _crush?_ On whom, Heather Earnhardt?! I barely knew her! And I didn't have _crushes_. I didn't interact with girls enough to develop _crushes _on them. Sirius definitely didn't know what he was talking about.

"What are you on about?" I mumbled a tad embarrassedly.

"I'm on about your crush on Heather Earnhardt. We've all seen you looking at her… on the train, in the Great Hall, in class… And now you're blushing!"

Well, what was I supposed to do? I would have blushed regardless of whom they accused me of liking. It just felt like a step over the boundary, to be talking about this with them. And as for looking at her… I look at everyone. I'm an observer.

"Trust me, I don't like her. She's a nice girl, but… I-I'm not interested," I finally got out.

"Okay," sang Sirius doubtfully, a big annoying grin on his face. He let it drop though, immediately resuming his conversation with James and Remus.

"Moony, would you mind maybe… doing some research on potion-making for us?"

"Wow… I'm not even a part of your group this time and you're still trying to make me do all of the work," he sighed.

James just looked at him expectantly. "So you'll do it?"

"Yeah, I guess," Remus relented.

"Thanks, Moony, you're a saint," responded Sirius before leaning back onto the mattress, placing his arms behind his head and yawning boredly.

I was extremely relieved that the attention had been drawn off me, but I couldn't help but be irritated at Padfoot. Nosy git. Liking girls is such an ordinary thing for him that he thinks nothing of inquiring about it as if it were the weather. He doesn't even consider that some guys aren't like him. That _I'm_ not like him.

I met Heather in the library the next day. Sirius's allegation was still fresh in my mind, so I felt a bit awkward sitting there at the table with her. She was energetically poring over a copy of _Potion Brewing for Dummies_, scribbling notes rapidly on a piece of parchment. I was flipping through a book on the history of alchemy just for something to do. I was already starting to feel like the weakest link in this partnership.

After reading for a good ten minutes in silence, she set down the book and looked up at me. "So Peter, what kind of potion do you want to make?"

I jolted a bit at her abrupt question. "I-I don't know… you know, you're so excited about this project… it only seems fitting that you should choose what it does," I evaded carefully.

"Oh, I don't have any set ideas, really," she informed me. "I just think the process will be fun. You don't have any thoughts on it at all?"

I searched my brain desperately for something to say. She was really putting me on the spot here.

"Well," I began, brainstorming, "a lot of potions have already been invented for practical uses… you know, medicines, disguises… So it might be best to make some kind of novelty item."

"I agree," encouraged Heather.

The first thing that came to mind was Quidditch. After all, it _is_ the biggest sport in the wizarding world. If we could make something for fans that could help them enjoy the games more, maybe show their support for their team…

Suddenly, I had it. … Well, I had something. "What if we made a potion for Quidditch fans?" I proposed. "It could temporarily change their skin to show their team colors."

She was quiet for a second and I started fearing that I'd said something stupid. But then she smiled and said, "That's a wonderful idea, Peter."

"… It is?"

"Absolutely! I wouldn't be surprised if we could sell it, actually. It should be simple enough to make, too. _Oh!_ Not only could we change skin color, but we could make it flash the different colors!" she squealed enthusiastically, and quite suddenly, making me jump a little. "This is going to be fantastic!"

We spent the next two hours looking up different ingredients and working out how they interacted. It was very complicated work, but we labored diligently. I finally started feeling like I was pulling my own weight. I had come up with the idea, I was doing my share of the research, and Heather seemed to think I was doing an okay job of it. Maybe I was better at Potions all these years than I'd thought.

We left the library at around 8:30 – Heather was getting tired and I had an Herbology assignment to muddle through. Before we parted ways, though, Heather stopped me in the hall to make plans for next time.

"We have Potions together tomorrow, so we'll see each other then. But let's meet here on Friday, around the same time. I'll do some extra research tomorrow night and fill you in on what I learn."

"All right," I agreed. "See you tomorrow."

"Good night." Then she headed off towards the Ravenclaw common room, as I began climbing my way up to Gryffindor Tower.

I don't know why I ever became friends with such obnoxious people. Sirius wouldn't let the Heather thing go, and being Sirius's best friend, James picked up on it too. As soon as I got back to the dormitory, the torment commenced.

"Did you have fun with _Heather_?" James drew her name out dramatically, batting his eyelashes.

"Yeah, buddy, how'd it go? Did you plant one on 'er?" Leave it to Sirius to be not only irritating, but almost vulgar.

"I don't know how many times I can tell you this, but I don't like her," I insisted, feeling my face turn red again already.

"Uh huh. So you didn't kiss her, I'm guessing." Wow.

"Nope. I haven't kissed her, and I never intend on doing so, so can you both please drop this?"

Their only response was to smirk as James said, "So when are you going to kiss her?"

I should have known not to let them see that this was annoying me. If they know that they're getting under someone's skin, they only become more persistent. I know this from four years of being friends with them, and yet the one time I need to protect myself from their immaturity, I play it completely wrong.

Frustrated, I walked off without a word towards my four-poster bed and sat down, pulling the drapes around me and trying to ignore the laughter outside.

A/N: I know this is an odd place to end the chapter… or at least it feels that way. I tried to make this chapter slightly longer than the last one so that I can gradually make the chapters a decent length. Anyway, please review. Thanks!


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Harry Potter, Angst, Romance