Mass Effect Like, Totally!

"So, listen. I totally thought that guy was H.O.T. Hooooooooooottttttttttttt. Hotty McHotpants. And he was so into you. Really. He was totally checking you out first, then he came over and started dancing with you and I was like so jealous. But not really because I have my own hottie. But totally into you. Why didn't you do something? Oh, Miri, warp-bomb when I pull that heavy mmkay?"

The cargo bay of the 'Strontium Mule' rocked to the sound of a warp-bomb. Shepard coolly stepped out of cover, her platinum blonde pony-tail swishing around her neck and fired a brief burst of her Tempest submachine gun. The Blue Sun merc who had been groggily looking to get up took it between his eyes and slumped back against the wall.

"Shepard, this is really not the time."

"Sure it is. We're not gonna let some annoying Blue Sun types spoil our little female bonding session are we Tali? What about that Kal'Reegar of yours. Very broad across the shoulders. Sexy voice too. Is he single? Drone on that Legionnaire please, lets keep him occupied. I could totally see like you two together. What a cute couple."

The drone shocked the veteran mercenary and he reared up out of cover. Two Tempests and a Carnifex drilled him, tearing through his shields like they were made of paper. Shepard paused, grinned widely, and curled her fingers and pulled. A singularity formed at the doorway.

"Keep firing, wear down the shields, get them floating. Totally easier to shoot that way. Like being the only one at a Merendi sale on Illium! Ohhh, we totally need to go shopping again. I'm running out of mascara and hair conditioner. Also I need to upgrade my amp. We should totally do a girls night with Liara too. She's such a lightweight. Too funny. And guys go gaga for asari. Maybe not Illium though. I did the asari thing back at the Academy one time. Exchange student from Thessia at a frat party. Not my thing."

The last merc's bullet-riddle body flopped onto the floor as the singularity winked out. Miranda moved forward as the other two covered her, then indicated for her to join them.

"Shepard, too much information. Lets just focus on the mission." Miranda's tone was of weary patience. Shepard took little notice.

"Oh, I don't know Shepard. Was it fun with the asari? Did you use...nerve stimulators? I, umm, hear that's nice."

"Not as nice as the real thing. I mean, I was thinking about it you know and like Kaidan totally dissed me on Horizon. That wasn't very nice. We had so much fun on the old Normandy. He wasn't as boring in the bedroom as he seemed. It taught me to look past the boring. Jacob's totally single, right Miranda? Like, you guys are over? Because those abs, they should be illegal."

Two more mercs came charging out of a side door. Shepard indicated quickly to Miranda to overload the shields and then followed up herself with a singularity, then poured fire into the floating all-but-corpses. They moved on, overriding the security lockdown. The ship seemed empty apart from these Blue Suns.

"Whatever Jacob and I had is over, not that it is any of your business."

"Oooh touchy. Still carrying a torch for that fine specimen of humanity? I would totally hit that again if I was you. Stress relief you know. Gawd knows we're like, on a pretty stressful mission. Maybe when we go back to Illium I'll give the whole crew the night off. Let people chill for a night, like, they probably need it. Working for Cerberus and The Illusive Man is such a downer of a job."

They moved smoothly through the ship covering each other. The engine room provided a brief challenge before Shepard warp-bombed the two ordinary mercs before facing the more heavily armed and armoured turian that Miranda, Tali and Tali's drone had been keeping distracted. He fell quickly before their combined firepower, but not before a shotgun blast boomed through Shepard's shields and hammered against her armour. Her right hand shook from the impact as it had taken the brunt of the blast, which did not penetrate to cause any serious injury.

"Dammit! I better not have chipped a nail again. That's totally, like, the worst. And I never have the time or the opportunity to do my nails. Hey Miri, do you think The Illusive Man would spring for a beautician on the Normandy? It'll totally be worth it. I'll be looking my best all the time, for humanity. And Cerberus and stuff. Yeah, c'mon, great idea. I mean I know you're genetically blessed with a perfect complexion, beautiful eyelashes and damn fine boobs but the rest of us need a little work from time to time. Right Tali?"

"Speak for yourself Shepard. I'm fine under the suit."

"Ugghh, you guys never want to have any fun! Also, Tali, energy drain on the front one. Miri, overload the shields on the other one. I'll warp-bomb him. These mercs are kinda starting to annoy me like, you know, someone else grabbing the only pair of heels on sale in your size. That happened to me once. Oh my god, I was like sooooooooo pissed. They were totally perfect." Shepard was on the move again, heading towards the bridge. The usual useless threats were pronounced over the loudspeaker. She look at Tali and rolled her eyes, and quarian started giggling. Miranda looked at them disapprovingly. Shepard grinned back.

"So, we're gonna bypass the seal. There'll be a few of them in there. I'll lock down one side of a room with a singularity. You guys should totally make sure you strip shields. Gunfire, overload, energy drain...hit 'em with like everything, mkay? Maybe Omega then- rough it a bit? Find some bad boys? Kelly totally digs the type..."

"Keelah Shepard, back to planning our night out?"

"Totally! Why let a few mercs get in the way of a good time?"

The doors opened and things went according to plan. A tough turian bodyguard took longer to take down than the merc commander Vorhess, but almost immediately they were set upon by more mercs.

"Uggh, like, so predictable. Use us to off the head honcho, then try and take us out so they can run off with the cargo. Miri, do your overload thing. Tali, Chiktikka on the heavies down the back. Keep them like distracted and stuff."

Shepard flared blue as she activated her biotics again, creating another singularity that turned the end of the corridor into a focussed killzone. The batarian sergeant Boortis scrambled desperately for cover.

"So, Omega then? C'mon, I totally need this. Like, oh my gawd, we all do. After we clean out this like totally nasty gang of Blue Suns ambushing poor unsuspecting merchant ships though. Uggh. That poor captain's last log...like, bastards!"

"Shepard, we shouldn't get distracted from the main mission," Miranda's voice held more than a sliver of resignation even as she tried to keep a reign on Shepard's chronic hero tendencies.

"Like, sure. But hey do you reckon Kaidan will take my calls once we finish blowing up the Collectors? He like, has to, right? I mean, look at me, who would turn this down. Back from the dead even..."

"Keelah Shepard. Yes, yes he will, ok?"

"Good. Like, night out at Omega tonight then?"


End file.

Mass Effect, Friendship, Humor