Harry Potter 1. Happier Alone

Author's Note: Though you probably don't care, it's my job to tell you this: I haven't written Harry Potter (mostly Lily/James) fanfiction in almost two years, but I have been writing it for other things, such as Degrassi. I have to admit, Harry Potter tops Degrassi any day in my books, though. Anyway, my point is that this is my first Harry Potter story in a long time, so I'm kind of nervous; I hope I still have a knack for it. Enjoy the story :) Please review.

Lily Evans took a seat in a compartment at the end of the Hogwarts Express. As usual, she sat alone, which Lily truthfully didn't mind at all. She'd learned from her first best friend, Severus Snape, that people weren't always easy to trust, and though she still cared for him, she knew she was better off unaccompanied.

She took out one of the many books from her small bag beside her, and began to read, comfortably sprawled out on the seat after pulling her hair out of its neat ponytail.

Lily was quite surprised when the door of her compartment opened, causing her to look up from her book. Nobody ever came into Lily department…save James Potter, since fourth year. Everyone just knew she was a born loner.

She was surprised to see the faces of Lindsey Ellhart and Samantha Jayson, two girls she had barely spoken a word with during all of her years at Hogwarts. She had no reason to dislike the two, for all she knew about them was Lindsey's fixation with Sirius Black, and Samantha's love for gossip.

"Hello, Lily," said Lindsey gleefully, waving her hand back and forth emphatically.

Lily merely raised her eyebrow at the intrusion of her peace and quiet, and shrugged, not wanting to sound impolite. "How are you?" she asked.

"We're very well, thanks," Samantha answered for the both of them.

The two girls took a seat across from her, and she gestured to her book as if to ask if they minded her reading it, but they simply looked blankly at her.

"Can I help you two with something?" she asked with a smile, hopefully letting them see she wasn't trying to shoo them out, though she really did want them to leave her be.

"Oh, no," said Samantha.

"Nothing," added Lindsey.

Lily nodded, and then assumed they'd probably only needed to come in for a seat. She gladly picked up her book to read again, but before reading two sentences, she was interrupted again.

"Actually, Lily," Lindsey began, twisting her hands nervously, "we were wondering if you could tell us…your secret." Samantha nodded along with her.

Lily put her book down, realizing she wasn't going to get any reading done for a while. She looked at them, completely lost. "What secret?"

Samantha leaned in closer, forcing Lily to lean back against her seat. "You know," she said, hoping for Lily to suddenly understand. "Your secret! How you get all the boys to like you."

Lily closed her eyes, laughing silently inside her head. Were they serious? "How?" she asked, trying to keep her voice neutral.

"Yes, _how_," said Samantha. She looked very impatient now, obviously figuring that Lily wasn't going to help them much.

Lily was quite thrown off by the question. What was she supposed to say? She scooted over to the window, looking out at the distance for a moment before she had to answer the dreaded inquiry.

"You won't like my answer," she started, resisting the urge to roll her eyes, "but I don't do anything."

Samantha and Lindsey sat before her, clearly skeptical with their arms crossed. "_Nothing?" _said Lindsey doubtfully. "Okay, okay, first of all, you're beautiful. We can't," she turned to her friend, "do anything about that. It's just who she is."

Samantha agreed, and went on. "However, there must be something inside you that attracts the boys."

"The boys?" said Lily, unable to stop herself from letting out a laugh. "James Potter?"

"Well, of course!" exclaimed Lindsey, throwing her arms up, as if she were asking to God above why Lily was so clueless. Lily had to roll her eyes at the gesture. "He's a perfectly good choice. I mean," she said with a lovesick giggle, "he's right below Sirius."

"Look, you two, I know you want me to help you get to Black, but the most he's going to go for is some bimbo who wears barely any clothes," said Lily crossly. Why anyone in her right mind would go for Sirius Black, was something Lily couldn't begin to understand. Then again, she wasn't sure poor Lindsey was in her right mind.

"That's what I have to do!" said Lindsey excitedly. "Say good-bye to clothing."

Goodness. Lily had no idea how she was going to manage that one, or why she'd even _try_, but if Lindsey having her answer meant that she was going to leave Lily alone for the rest of the trip, Lily was quite content.

"Thanks so much, Lily," said Lindsey, and she truly sounded appreciative.

Lily watched her get up to go, and she felt completely horrible for a moment. "Wait," she said, pointing at the seat again. "The clothing thing is bad."

Lily hadn't realized until that moment how happy the thought of having Sirius made Lindsey. "Look, if you want Sirius to like you, I mean really like you, you have to make him respect you, and I guess…unfortunately," she added, "that's what I did to Potter, by accident. Therefore, he fell for me, so if the plan works for Sirius, I'll just do the opposite to James from now on."

Lindsey laughed, but immediately became glum again. "How do I make him respect me?" she asked hopelessly.

Lily sighed. "Well, Sirius is—"

"Oh, hello, ladies. Funny thing, I came in, and heard my name. Not using surname now, Evans?"

Sirius had turned up in the doorway to their compartment with a teasing look on his face.

"What a coincidence!" said Lily, waving him out of the compartment. "Please, like I don't know you were standing there for a half hour or so."

"I wasn't!" he denied quickly, looking true to his word.

"Where are your little friends?" asked Lily, realizing that something was definitely missing. She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen Sirius alone.

He ignored the question. "Quick survey for ya, Evy?"

Rolling her eyes at the nickname, Lily made room for him to sit. "No," she said sternly. "I'm not stupid."

"It's just a simple survey," said Sirius with a charming smile as he threw his arm around Lily's shoulder. Lindsey glared daggers at the gesture.

"You're reporting to Potter," she said. Not asked. "He wants to learn things about me, so he can trick me into falling for him. It's not going to work," she warned, "so leave."

Sirius removed his arm. "Evy, it's not nothing to do with James! Can't a guy ask a random girl a few questions about herself?"

"Survey me, then!" suggested Lindsey, mainly trying to reveal herself to Sirius.

"Ah, can't," he said dramatically, looking down at his watch. "I must be heading back to my compartment. Thanks for the time, Evans."

Lily looked up at him, bewildered as he left. "I didn't give you any time!"

Lindsey had her arms crossed over her chest, sighing heavily. "He doesn't even notice me! All he could look at was _you, _as always."

All Lily had wanted was to read her book! Now she had to comfort a pained girl who was convinced her dream boy was in love with Lily. She sighed as well. "Not true. He just came in here for his friend."

"Says you," said Samantha, standing by her friend's side.

"Listen," Lily began, wondering what she could possibly say to comfort her, "you remember how every year I set a goal for myself?"

"Ohhh, yes," said Samantha with a chuckle. "First year, a grade of excellence on each final exam."

"Second year," said Lindsey, happier now that her attention was diverted, "with the use of a time turner, take more classes than any witch has before!"

"Third year, get Potter off my back…" said Lindsey, frowning as she remembered their previous conversation.

"Fourth year," said Samantha, beginning to wonder why Lily had asked such a sudden question, "get Potter off my back."

"Fifth year…get Potter off my back."

"And the same went for sixth year," said Lily, throwing in the last bit herself. "Now, if you'd like, my goal for seventh year will be: help Sirius fall desperately in love with his," she paused for dramatic effect, "soul mate, Lindsey Ellhart!"

"Oh, would you, Lil! Thank you so much!"

Lindsey reached over to give Lily a much-accepted hug. "Don't mention it. I ask only one thing of you," said Lily, holding her index finger up. The two looked expectantly at her. "Let me, please, read my book."

Lindsey and Samantha nodded, talking with each other for the rest of the ride.

"I _tried! _She's a mind reader, I swear it," said Sirius, wondering just how Lily had known their plan.

Remus snorted from the corner of the compartment. "Oh, yes, I'm sure that's it. It couldn't just be that, perhaps, you did the same thing last year?"

"Yes, well, last year, it wasn't on Prongs' orders!" he defended himself.

James looked crestfallen, but not yet defeated. "I have an idea!" he shouted.

"What?" asked Peter immediately, leaning forward in his seat. He always loved to hear James' plans.

James looked thoughtful for a moment, running his finger along his chin before slapping his thighs furiously. "I already _did_ that!"

Remus had long since given up on the idea of his friend winning Lily Evans over. He loved James quite a bit, and he wanted so badly for it to work, but he knew it wouldn't happen. It was just a good dream, and he hoped that James would soon move on.

"Look, mate, maybe just give her some space," Remus suggested, not entirely sure it would help matters, but it would help James decide if she really was worth it or not.

"He's already tried that too," said Sirius from James' left side. "Unfortunately, he was only able to stay away for an hour." He wasn't able to control his laughter until James jabbed him painfully in the stomach.

"An hour and six minutes," he corrected, but laughed as well. "I don't know what to do."

Remus gave another, final, suggestion. "Get to know her?"

"Well, what do you think the damn surveys are all about? Besides, we'll have…idea!"

The others looked uninterested, but he continued, not noticing. "Well, in about five minutes, we'll have to go to the Prefect compartment for 'head' stuff, and then, she'll have to talk to me."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Why?" he asked, confused.

"Well, not then. She'll be too busy flipping out that I'm Head Boy, but _then, _when we get to school, we'll have to do evening rounds together…" he said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. "It'll work."

"Brilliant," said Sirius, looking interested now that he knew it was a good plan. The other two simply rolled their eyes.

"I know," said James excitedly. "I'll have her. You just wait."

"If you keep saying things like, 'I'll have her', then you definitely won't," Remus pointed out.

"Good plan!" said James.

Author's Note: Pleeeease review.


	2. Reasons

Author's Note: I'm trying to update this as quickly as I can because I'm not sure about the next time I'll be able to, but I need to know people are reading because one review, as nice as it was, is pathetic. Let me know you're reading, please. Let me know how you like it.

After changing into her robes, Lily left for the Prefect compartment, taking all her stuff with her. Even though she only had a bag full of books, she still didn't completely trust Samantha and Lindsey not to go through everything, perhaps getting finger marks on her pages.

Lily hadn't exactly been shocked when Professor Dumbledore had chosen her as Head Girl, but she'd acted that way for her mother, not wanting to sound so conceited and sure of herself. Her mother had been extremely proud. It had really been the only good part of her summer.

She arrived at the compartment, opening the door to see the familiar faces of people she had expected Dumbledore to choose as prefects, but when she saw another familiar face, she had to close her eyes and breathe in deeply to prevent herself from causing a scene. Maybe the other students were right. Dumbledore had gone insane.

Lily didn't have to approach him to ask why he was there; he walked over on his own. "Hey, Evans," he said, smiling brightly. "Nice day today."

"I never imagined you'd be in here, Potter," she said, rolling her eyes. "At least, you're on time."

Lily walked past him, heading over to the other side of the room where she found a chair alone. She hoped that this little meeting wouldn't take too long.

James, perplexed, walked over to where she was. "No screaming?" he asked.

Lily turned away from him. It had been less than five minutes, and already he was getting on her last nerve. She didn't have many. "My screaming never makes you leave me alone," she told him. "I rather think you enjoy it, and I'm not wasting my breath on you. Got it?"

That seemed like the Lily he knew. Calm and cool, just caring and kind when left alone, but if he dared to step into her bubble, she'd erupt.

"Is everyone here?" James asked her.

"I think so," she replied.

"Then…we should begin. I mean, we want to get out of here as soon as possible, right?" he asked.

For once, she and James were actually in agreement. "Definitely."

Seeing James Potter again after the long, terrible, summer was like dealing with a season change. Her sister and father represented the hot, ghastly, muggy, weather that you wish to do away with, and you pray to yourself that the summer, or her time with Petunia, will end soon, and the winter will arrive to take it away. However, when the winter does come—when Lily is forced to see James Potter again for another year—it's suddenly too _cold _to deal with. You wish to have summer back again.

James Potter being Head Boy was something, no matter how hard she tried to, Lily absolutely couldn't understand. Nevertheless, she wasn't going to complain, even if it was only in her head. She would just have to learn to reluctantly deal with it.

After explaining to the prefects what had to be done, Lily and James got up, along with the other students, to leave. She hoped to get out of the room without being ambushed, but James caught up with her.

"Why did you want to get out so quickly?" he asked, still holding onto that annoying smile of his. "I thought you liked doing all that Head…prefect…stuff."

She shrugged. "I like my book better."

James could tell she didn't want to talk about it, but, of course, he didn't stop there. "What's it about?" he asked as they closed the compartment door after the last student in scurried off.

Lily rolled her eyes. Lily knew James couldn't care less about the book she was reading. "I hate small talk with you just as much as you dislike reading," she said, looking straight ahead, but saw James' smile through her peripheral vision.

"Evvvvy," he sang, stepping in front of her, blocking her path. "Talk to me."

Lily glared, placing her hands on her hips in frustration. "First of all, move out of my way. Second of all, stop _calling _me that!"

"I'll move out of your way when you tell me about your," his eyes drifted to her bag, "book."

"It's a muggle book, Potter."

"I like muggles!" he said excitedly. Did nothing put this boy down?

"Why are you always so happy?" she asked wearily, trying to push him out of her way.

"Happy is fun!"

Lily smiled slightly at his enthusiasm, but made sure to wipe it off as soon as it had come. James looked way too pleased with it for her liking. "James Potter, you are a strange, and extremely annoying boy, so if you would ple—Severus—hello," she said, seeing him walk by the two of them.

Severus glared conspicuously at James, and then turned to give Lily a half-smile. Lily nodded in reply, with a quick smile. Snape, seemingly satisfied, walked away. Things had become faintly awkward between the two of them since fifth year.

If there was one thing James disliked about Snape the most, it was the fact that when Snape walked by Lily, she smiled, and when James made her smile, she wiped it off quickly as though she were disgusted by him. James hated that he couldn't be the one to get one of her gorgeous smiles thrown his way.

Of course, if James admitted it to himself, Lily didn't just smile at Snape, but actually at everyone. Besides him.

"So, summer?" said James, still refusing to move out of Lily's way.

"Move," she demanded, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I will if you promise to talk to me while we walk, even, heaven forbid, glance at me a few times?" he said hopefully.

"Don't give me conditions."

James sighed, moving to let her pass while the two of them walked down a hallway that couldn't end soon enough for Lily, couldn't be prolonged enough for James.

When they were nearing the end of the hallway, Lily turned to him. "What about summer?" she asked.

James looked confused. "What?"

"See?" said Lily. "Exactly my point. You don't care how my summer was, so why did you even ask? I was going to be polite, and answer, but so much for that."

Before James could respond, Lily closed her compartment door. "By the way," she called out, knowing he hadn't moved from behind the door, "it wasn't that great."

"I'm sorry to hear it," he said, biting his lip to prevent himself from making a stupid comment before walking back to his own compartment.

"My favorite part of Hogwarts," Sirius declared as the four marauders walked into the Great Hall after the sorting and food was served, late as usual, "is most definitely the feast."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Padfoot, you tell us almost every day a new favorite thing at this school."

"What's wrong with liking things?" asked James. "While he's staying at my house, he says the same thing every few minutes."

The others laughed along with him as they found a spot at the table across from Lily. James caught her eye, and smiled. Lily merely picked up her book again. James caught a glance at the title: _Extremidade_.

"Is it good?" he asked, though he wasn't quite sure she'd hear him while she read so intently.

Lily didn't move or stop reading for a moment. "Yes," she said simply.

James gave up on conversation, moving instead to grab a piece of cherry pie. He could tell his friend Remus was having an internal struggle, wondering whether or not it was important to voice his opinion how he should be eating something much healthier for dinner.

"I'll eat dinner later," he answered the unvoiced complaint. He could not help wishing that Lily would just put her book down so that he could stare at her, or at least, so she could eat.

Finally, with only about three and a half minutes left of dinner, Lily put her book down gently beside her, and put some potatoes on her plate. James, watching her as always, didn't surprise her, but the fact that the other marauders stared in her direction made her look up.

"Is there a problem, boys?" she asked, irritated.

"That's all you're eating? A scoop of mashed potatoes?" asked Sirius, bewildered. Remus nudged him a bit, letting him know he wasn't being courteous, but Sirius still looked at her as though she belonged in a hospital.

Lily actually blushed a bit. "I was distracted by my book, and there's not much time left to eat," she explained herself, then ate two or three bites before Professor Dumbledore announced that they should all head off to bed.

James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter all got up with the other students to leave the Great Hall. James watched as Lily walked magnificently just a few steps in front of them, her long, beautiful, red hair moving from side to side as she walked. He couldn't believe she was reading again, the large novel in her hand as she confidently walked without bumping into anyone or anything.

"…and then it would be easy, of course, with James being Head Boy now."

"Well, that's what you said when I became prefect," said Remus, laughing. "You with us, Prongs?"

James didn't hear the conversations going on around him, almost falling flat on his face when he realized they were about to walk up the stairs. He was simply amazed at how she could walk so straight while immersed in a book like that. He could barely move while he was immersed in _her._

"James!" said Sirius loudly, tapping him. "Helloo."

"Potter, your friend is calling you," said Lily from her position in front of them. James immediately turned to Sirius.

"Well, thanks for listening to _her_, mate. Really appreciate it."

James shrugged, falling out of his trance. "You know you're completely unimportant to me, Sirius. I've told you," he teased good-naturedly.

James rolled his eyes as the fifth and sixth year prefects explained to the first years how to 'say a password' because, evidently, that was a difficult task, and where the couch was because, clearly, eleven year olds couldn't see it for themselves. Boy, was he glad the Head Boy and Girl didn't have to deal with that arduous chore. It might tire them out completely, all that pointing.

Lily, however, smiled encouragingly as she walked by the fifth year prefects, muttering to one girl in particular that she was doing a fine job. James couldn't believe his ears. After all these years of trying to impress her, all she wanted was for him to point to a couch and a staircase. If only he had known, perhaps he would have won her over already.

After the first years went up eagerly to their dorms, Lily took a seat on the end of the couch in the middle of the common room with her book.

James, feeling for some reason more frustrated than ever before, shouted, "What is so great about it?!"

Shocked at his outburst, Lily moved her book down to her lap, looking at him, confused, the way many others, including his three friends, were also looking at him. "Were you talking to me?" she asked calmly.

James nodded, being decent enough to blush as he waved the shocked students away, urging them to go on with their activities. "I'd just like to know what it's about," he said quietly.

Sirius looked at Remus. "Umm, why?" he whispered, "does he care?"

Remus looked at him as though dealing with a child. "Because he's in love, Sirius. It's quite obvious."

After watching James standing across from Lily awkwardly for a moment or two, the other three marauders thought it would be more pleasing for them to go upstairs to their dormitory, leaving James alone in his misery.

"Like you care, Potter," she put her nose back in the book. "I told you, you don't need to use phony excuses to talk to me."

"Oh, of course not," he said, smirking, "because without my excuses, you're just ready and willing to talk."

"Go _away."_

James took this as an invitation to sit next to her on the couch. Lily sighed. "I can't read with you there!" she said, irritated.

"Why?" he asked. "Distracted by my striking good looks?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "And you tell me you're not arrogant. Why are you interested in this?"

James smiled. "In you?" he asked.

Lily turned to him. "Actually, I'd meant the book, but yes, that's actually a good question. Tell me, is it because I'm a difficult catch?" she asked, marking her page as she made her way over to the girls' dormitory staircase for a more private place to read.

"Of course not," said James, coming up behind her before she reached the first step.

"Give me one good reason, then. I'm sure you can't even think of one," she said, flipping her hair off her shoulder.

James thought to himself for a moment. There were too many to name, and he'd sound like a fool if he gave her a list right then and there. Besides, he knew she didn't want to hear a reason; she'd only asked because she didn't believe he had one. An idea came to him.

"I'll give you three-hundred and three reasons," he said. When Lily looked bemused, he went on. "One reason every Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday until June thirtieth. You'll get one reason a day, and that makes three hundred and three reasons. Of course, there's more, but I'm only assuming you don't want to spend time with me this summer."

Lily looked up at the ceiling, asking why she had to deal with such a boy. Every time she sat down to just innocently read a book, it seemed the whole world jumped onto her case. "You're insane," she reminded him.

"You love me," he said cheekily, wiggling his eyebrows.

"You disgust me," she told him, taking a step up on the staircase.

"You love me," he repeated.

"You wish!" she said, sounding revolted at the thought.

"I do, indeed," he said, laughing. "Before you leave me, no doubt to go in your room to read or plot ways to kill me in my sleep, I'll give you my first reason: you're nothing like me."

Lily replied by rolling her eyes skyward for what seemed like the tenth time that evening. "That's your reason? I'm your opposite? Opposites attract? Is that what you're implying?" she asked, no doubt displeased by it.

"That's not what I said. I said you're nothing like me."

Lily still didn't seem any happier with his response, so James merely shrugged. "Reason number one down. Good-night, lovely."

Lily scowled at the name, turning around to continue her walk up to her room. It was going to be a long year.

Author's Note: I actually sat here for, like, five or ten minutes, actually figuring out how many days would be from September first until the end of June lol, just in case you were wondering if that was a guess. Anyway, my math sucks :) Please please please review. It makes me sad that I only have one.


	3. Misunderstanding

Author's Note: Please enjoy. I'm glad for the reviewers, I have, only wish I had some more :)

James woke up Tuesday morning, eager, for the first time in a while, to get ready for class. He jumped out of bed impatiently, showering and dressing in record speed: five minutes.

"Wake up!" he hollered, shaking Sirius' bed. "We have to go to breakfast!"

Sirius groaned, only rolling over a bit. "Why so early?"

Remus chuckled a bit, sitting up tiredly. "Evans," he said without any further explanation. "I'll shower."

James looked pleased that one friend was up. "Come _on, _Padfoot! Do you want me to get my dream girl or not?"

After that statement, Sirius sat up halfway, looking amused. "I have a question for you, how does getting up early make her fall for you?" he asked, wrapping the blanket tightly around himself in his now sitting position.

"It'll show I'm dedicated," he said, blushing. "Come on, please."

"All right, all right," said Sirius, rolling his eyes.

After the boys were showered and ready, they traveled down to the Great Hall, seeing, as always, Lily with a book in hand at the Gryffindor table. James approached her while the others took seats a bit father down on the bench. He sat down across from her as he had done just the night before.

"Evans," he said, trying to get her attention.

"Hmm?" she asked, barely paying attention.

James helped himself to a piece of toast, buttering it as he spoke. "I have reason number two for you."

Lily didn't tear her eyes away from the book. "What is it?" she asked, sighing.

James only wished that she could pretend to sound interested or even show that she knew it was he who was speaking.

James had to think long and hard. He had the amount, and more, that he'd promised, but he wasn't sure which to give, and if it would make sense to her because some of the reasons sure didn't make sense to his friends.

"Your were the best friend of Severus Snape. I only say 'were' because I'm not sure if it changed."

Lily was definitely dragged in by that. She looked at him, utterly confused. "You hate Snape," she said bluntly.

"Quite a bit," James replied, taking a bite of his toast, quite glad that he had her attention.

Lily marked her page, and James watched as she slipped it back in her bag. "I knew there was a catch."

James cocked his head to one side. "Huh?"

"This whole reason thing. Each reason is so completely vague that I'm forced to ask for a conversation about it," explained Lily. "Therefore, you get to talk to me before class. I must say, clever, in an annoying way."

James beamed. "It wasn't actually planned that way," he laughed.

"Oh, well, that's why it was actually intelligent," she said, rolling her eyes. James detected for a moment, but was then sure he'd been mistaken, that Lily smiled a bit with her teasing comment.

"Well, what I meant was," James began, watching Lily curiously for any trace of a smile, "no one befriends Snape. No one ever did, but you did, even though you were a muggleborn Gryffindor. It didn't matter to you."

"And?" she asked, her stubborn demeanor returning.

"And I think that makes you special," said James. Unable to look into her eyes any longer, James stared down at his plate.

Lily furrowed her brows thoughtfully. It actually did make a bit of sense, but she also found it rather unbelievable to think that, after all these years, one of the reasons James Potter fell for her had to do with Severus Snape.

"You probably made his life complete," said James, chuckling.

"What do you suppose they're talking about?" asked Peter, craning his neck to see if he could read Lily's lips.

"I don't know. I can't even tell if it looks like they're arguing or not," said Remus, rolling his eyes. "Let's not spy."

"It's our _job _to spy," Sirius argued, also trying to read lips. "I heard 'Snape'. It's definitely a fight!"

"Did you?" asked Remus, suddenly paying attention.

Lily didn't speak with James for the rest of breakfast, as she was too busy reading her book, but James didn't mind. He knew he wasn't any closer to getting her to go about with him. Yes, he knew that for a fact. _But_ she…kind of, sort of, almost, sweetly had a non-abrasive conversation with him, and she had added a tiny, perhaps imagined, smile to go along with it. Life couldn't be better.

"Lily," said a soft voice from behind her. Lily placed her book down gently on the table, and looked into the face of Lindsey Ellhart. "Lily, could I speak to you in private?" she asked, her eyes glancing up at James.

James smiled at her, giving a brief wave. Lindsey smiled back, but quickly looked back at Lily, despair shining in her eyes.

"Sure," she said, feeling her stomach plummet a bit. She'd forgotten her promise already!

The two girls walked away, only far enough that James was out of earshot. "I've decided I'll never get him to notice me."

Lily tried to hold back her signature eye roll. "You mustn't think that way."

"Got any ideas?" she asked, ignoring Lily's comment. "I'm really quite hopeless, I think," she said tearfully.

Lily decided she was in way over her head. "Have you ever tired talking to him?" she asked, coming up with nothing better at that moment.

Lindsey looked embarrassed, shaking her head. "Not really," she said softly.

"Well, then, how do you expect to get anywhere?" she asked, attempting to make Lindsey see reason.

"See, I told you," said Lindsey, "that you have a secret way of getting boys!"

Lily laughed, looking over at James, as she had felt his eyes on her from the moment she walked over to speak with Lindsey. She saw as he immediately looked down at her book, as if he thought she didn't notice this quick glance away.

"Well, it's not exactly a se—you know what," she said, shrugging, "let's go right over to him now."

Lindsey's eyes widened, apparently never having heard of such a thing. "Lily, we can't!" she begged, but Lily just pulled her along. She could tell James was confused as she walked over to where his friends sat, but he kept quiet, watching attentively.

Lindsey let out one more frantic, 'Lily!' before silencing immediately as the three marauders turned around to look at her.

"Evans?" said Sirius, obviously not used to her being interested in talking to him. "What can I help you with?" he asked with a bright smile.

"You know Lindsey here, I'm sure?" she said, gesturing toward the girl next to her.

"Yes, of course," he said, not showing that he understood anything, which Lily supposed was a good thing at the moment.

Lily nudged her. "Lindsey…" she said, teeth gritted.

"Oh, right, well," she cleared her throat, "I just wanted to say hi," she finished nervously, slipping her hands nervously into her pockets.

Sirius looked clueless, turning toward his friend, Remus, who sat next to him, shrugging. He looked back at Lindsey. "Hey," he said.

"Hi," she said with a smile.

"Okay," said Lily. "We're going to be late for our first class, so…"

Lily walked away from the three boys, sitting in her seat again across from James. Lindsey enthusiastically hugged Lily before grabbing her books for Defense against the Dark Arts, and heading out of the Great Hall.

When Lily sat down to finish her last few bites of her pancakes, and to grab her book from off the table, it was clear to her that James wanted to know why she'd been over with Sirius, but couldn't stand a moment talking with him.

"Just helped her with something," said Lily, not giving too much information. She wasn't sure it was a good idea to tell James that she was helping Lindsey get _his _best friend. James nodded.

"We should get to class," said Lily.

James knew she probably meant that she was going to go, and he was going to stay and show up late, but he wasn't about to miss a good opportunity to walk with her. As Lily got up, James waved pleasantly to his friends. Remus' eyes widened. James Potter was about to walk into class _on time._ History was about to be made.

Lily, too, looked surprised that James stepped up with her. "What are you doing?" she asked, looking…annoyed?

"Walking with you, lovely," he said with a brilliant smile.

Lily sighed, walking ahead of him out of the Great Hall. The two students had the attention of every other student, perhaps even a few teachers, in the school.

"Why are you following me? You'll be at least ten minutes early. Do you think," she said turning to him, "that this pleases me? Having the whole school watching me?"

James tried to contain his smile. "You worry too much, you know."

"You think it's funny! You _love _to think that every person is talking about you! Well, I don't," she said, holding her schoolbooks to her chest tightly.

"I'm sorry," James apologized quietly. Even when he thought he might have been doing something right, he was proved wrong.

"Can I ask you a question?" asked Lily. They were nearing the classroom.

James brightened quickly. "Absolutely anything."

"What does your friend, Sirius, like in a girl?" she asked, biting her lip. She would keep her promise to Lindsey, no matter how tough it would be.

James stopped walking immediately. Thankfully, no one was behind them. "_Why_ do you need to know?" he asked.

Lily had to admit, it didn't exactly sound the way she meant for it to sound. However, she couldn't tell James why she was asking because Lindsey would be distraught if word ever got out.

"Look, I can't tell you," she said, hoping James would understand. "Help me, please."

Lily looked desperate. He continued walking again, opening the door to the classroom for her. Lily walked in with him, taking her usual seat in the front row. As much as James would have liked to be able to sit next to her, he knew she'd disapprove, and he didn't like the idea of being, well, in the front.

James sat down in the back row. As people had started to pile in, Lily took out her book to read for some time before the class actually began, her question seemingly forgotten. However, it wasn't forgotten in James' mind.

There was only one possible reason for why Lily wondered what Sirius was interested in. Lily, after all this time of hating the marauders, must have fallen not for James, as he had hoped, but for Sirius. James would be damned if he was going to let that happen.

Author's Note: Hehe, so complicated. Please review!! I would looooooooove so more :)


	4. People are gray

Author's Note: This chapter was actually delayed due to a housefly in my bedroom. Lol. Don't laugh at me! Also, I had to take care of some things for my needy brothers. Anyway, please enjoy.

James walked silently with Lily around eleven, patrolling the hallway. He hadn't even bothered to try to help his friends sneak around, which was their plan when they'd found out about his position. He was just too busy thinking.

What had he done wrong? Well, actually, there was quite a long list from Lily about what he'd done wrong, but then what had Sirius done _right? _He was a marauder, the same, if not worse, than James when it came to being arrogant. So, what did she see in him?

They'd barely ever had a conversation, anyway. Well, she and James mostly had one-sided conversations, or even fights, but it was more than Sirius and Lily had. Or…when she'd gone to talk to him during breakfast! Perhaps, that was a chat that had gone well.

"You're quiet," Lily commented, looking as bored with keeping watch as James was. She was probably dying to go back to her room and read. He was sure that the bag she was holding contained her books, including the one she was currently reading.

"I'm sorry," he said, not surprised that she noticed. It was quite a change.

"I wasn't complaining," she said.

James looked slightly hurt. "Oh," he said softly, looking straight ahead as he walked. He wasn't enjoying this night with Lily as much as he thought he was going to.

After a moment, Lily sighed. She stopped walking in the middle of the corridor, taking his arm to stop him as well.

"Doctor Evans is in, I suppose," she said grudgingly. She wasn't so sure she wanted to know what had the great James Potter, one boy she'd never seen unhappy in her life, down, but she couldn't prevent herself from helping someone who was obviously in need.

James looked confused. "I mean, what's going on?" she asked, frowning. "You can tell me."

He really couldn't tell her. He couldn't even believe that this was happening to him. His own best friend! Had she and Sirius, perhaps, gotten together secretly? Maybe that was why he'd been so eager to do the survey, to get closer to Lily. James knew he was probably jumping to conclusions.

He decided he might as well spill it all to Lily, as she was welcoming it with open arms. However, he wasn't really sure what he was saying, and if he was even speaking English.

"…and I don't know what I could have possibly…and through it all…and Padfoot…Sirius…Black…whatever the hell you want to call him. I didn't know or think that…I'm sorry if it had to do with me, but…"

Lily raised an eyebrow in confusion, but James didn't notice. He only continued too quickly for his own brain. "I've been try—"

"Okay!" Lily interjected, deciding she might as well tell him she had no idea what he was on about. "Slowly and clearly, please? First thing's first, what did Sirius do?"

"Nothing! It's you!"

"Let's keep walking," said Lily. "Now, excuse me? I did something," she continued after they'd started walking again.

"Tell me what Sirius has that I don't," he pleaded. "I just need to—"

"Well, you two are one in the same, really. He just doesn't ask me out every day of the week," she said, laughing slightly. "Why do you—oh!"

Before James could question her any further, she stopped walking again, laughing so hard that she needed to hold onto him for support, which James certainly didn't mind.

"You—you thought," she paused to take a deep breath. "You thought I _liked_ him?" she asked incredulously. "What I said yesterday…I'm so sorry if I gave you that impression."

James felt his spirits rise again, and in no time, he was happy again to be with her. "Thank God!"

He'd never made her laugh before, and after that little outburst she had after she realized what James was saying, he told himself that he wanted to be the one to make it happen again and again.

"So, why were you asking?" asked James, moving away again. After she'd held onto him, they'd gotten a bit closer, and he thought it only fair to go back to the way it was. She didn't seem to notice or care.

"Well…okay, but you have to promise not to tell anyone," said Lily, taking a seat on the bench beside them.

"Are we taking a break?" asked James skeptically. "Ms. Evans, I'm surprised."

"You want to kee—"

"No, that's quite all right," he interrupted nervously. His feet were already starting to kill him after only a few minutes. James didn't really see the point of patrolling because they hadn't seen anyone, and James was sure that he was one of the only people who ever snuck around at night.

"This girl I know," started Lily anxiously, "likes him, and she asked me for help."

"You told me last year that you didn't 'do' friends," said James, trying to keep his tone far away from scathing.

"I don't," she said. James didn't detect any anger in her voice, so he assumed his comment was okay.

"Then, who—"

"Just let me talk," said Lily, annoyed. "It's just some girl I'm trying to help because, apparently, guys…" she lowered her voice to a whisper that James could barely hear, "fall all over me."

James smirked. "Yeah? She said that?"

Lily rolled her eyes. James Potter, of course, couldn't bear to be understanding for just a moment "Okay, break's over," she said, getting up. "Let's walk."

James took her hand, pulling her down gently again. "Wait," he said, mentally slapping himself for saying something she didn't like. "Was it Ellhart?" he asked.

"How'd you know?" asked Lily, surprised.

"At breakfast," said James. "That wasn't exactly normal Lily Evans behavior, was it?"

James allowed her to get up, stepping up himself as well. "Are we almost done?" he asked.

She shrugged. "Yeah, sort of. I miss the quiet…" she hinted, walking further ahead of him with that fast, 'nothing can distract me' sort of stroll. James trailed behind.

"Do you still want to know what he likes in a girl?" asked James, smiling.

Lily didn't slow down or wait for James to catch up when she spoke. "Yes, I do, thanks."

"Well," James began, managing to catch up with her, and when he did, he kept her pace easily, "he's not very specific, is he? If she shows she likes him, he'll go out with her."

"And then break the poor girl's heart," Lily added. "That's not what I want. I want him to want a relationship with her, you know?"

They finally walked into the common room. James checked his watch, seeing that it was just after midnight. He thought about his words carefully before answering.

"I'm not sure that's going to happen for him," he said slowly. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. People are…the way they are, I guess," she replied, taking a seat on the couch. James argued with himself for a minute before deciding to sit as far away as the couch allowed.

"I guess," he said uncomfortably. He felt, for some reason, as if he were talking badly about his friend.

"So, you don't suppose he'd be interested in going out with her? Ever?" she asked, disappointed, as she pulled her book out of the bag.

James shrugged. He wanted to keep the conversation going, though. She had a reason to talk, which meant she wouldn't push him away. "I mean, I guess you have to make him notice Lindsey, though. She seems great," he said with a smile.

Lily sighed. "I suppose she's nice. I don't really know much about her," she said, looking longingly down at her book, but knowing she had a mission. James blinked. That wasn't the book she'd been reading.

"Did you finish that other book? Extremidade, or whatever it was," asked James.

"You remembered the name?" asked Lily, looking sufficiently impressed. "Yes, I'm finished. Now, let's get back to the previous conversation. Mr. Black?"

"I'd love to tell you a tale, Lil, saying that he'd be ready and eager to start a relationship, but I'm sorry. He's just not that kind of guy. However, make her change him. It could work," he said, biting his lip, hoping it would.

"What do you mean?" she asked, looking confused.

James sighed. He didn't want to get into this part of it. "Well, that's what you did to me," he said quietly, embarrassed.

Lily's eyes widened. "Wait…I did _what?" _

For a smart girl, she wasn't all there when it came to James Potter.

"I was like that…not looking for anything, just random girls to do whatever I pleased with," he said. "Then, you came along."

Lily was extremely uncomfortable, and turned the conversation, once again, back to Sirius. She suddenly remembered something.

"Remus mentioned something to me at the platform," she said, sounding slightly concerned. "Sirius lives with you? Why?"

James sighed. Was that really his place to tell her? He felt as if there were hidden cameras in the room, just begging him to say something about his friend, and Sirius was going to watch what he said later on.

"His family is…"

"Oh." Lily didn't make him finish. "Bad family life?" she asked, looking troubled.

James smiled. "Understatement, really," he said, forgetting about whether or not Sirius would care. Lily was asking, and he wasn't going to deny her an answer. James could tell she was looking for an explanation, so he continued.

"Well, they're just…you know, into all that you-know-who stuff," said James. "Honestly, they really despise him."

"That's terrible," said Lily, shaking her head. "How could someone just _hate _their son? Even if, you know, he's completely different, it shouldn't matter." Lily looked absolutely livid.

"Well, you don't like Sirius," James commented. It was very difficult for him to understand that girl.

Lily rolled her eyes. "You just don't get it, do you? I don't _hate _anyone, and no matter how much I dislike the way you and your friends treat people and do things, no one should have to go through what he must go through. No one."

James nodded. "Just like no one should have to go through what I put Snape through…" he said, understanding just how idiotic he could be.

Lily looked pleased with his statement. "Exactly. Poor Sirius," she said, shaking her head again as if she simply couldn't believe it. "He never shows it, does he?"

"I think he just likes to forget about it," said James, leaning against the arm of the couch while watching her closely for her next move.

"Let me ask you something, James," Lily began. "You were just fine taking Sirius as your best mate even though his family is like it is. So, Severus is in Slytherin, uncared about in his family as well, but because he wasn't in your house, he's automatically a Death Eater. Why?"

"I didn't say he was, but he hangs out with him," said James. "Besides, he called you a mudblood. Wouldn't that mean—"

"That's another story I'd rather not get into," Lily interrupted. "James, you only see in black and white," she said softly. "People are gray."

James furrowed his brows, trying to figure out what she meant, but all he could think about was the use of his first name. She had a tendency to do that when she felt he didn't comprehend what she was saying. "Huh?" he said after a moment.

Lily bit her lip before beginning, wondering just how to make him value what she was saying.

"All right, I don't like you."

James laughed. He couldn't help it. The statement sounded so offensive, and yet, he knew she didn't mean it to be. "I'm aware."

She nodded. "And I don't like Sirius or Peter. However, I don't compare you with…Voldemort."

"We're nothing like him!" he said, appalled. "You know we're not."

"Exactly. Relax," she told him. "Just because I dislike you, it doesn't mean you're in league with him. Don't you understand? It's not like there's good people that you like on one side, and bad on the other. There's good and bad in everyone. You're too busy seeing the world as it's not. Black and white."

James nodded. Lily always had a way of making things sound better and more interesting than anyone else. He wanted to recommend her to become a teacher.

"I'm going upstairs," said Lily, obviously wanting to read her book in peace.

"Wait!" James called. It was now or never.

"What?" she asked, turning around, looking for the fire.

"Could I borrow the book you finished?" he asked tentatively.

Lily frowned suspiciously. "Okay…" she said cautiously. "Don't…do anything to it."

"I'll keep it in perfect condition. I promise," he said with a bright smile.

"When you're done, I want to know why you decided to read it," said Lily, throwing her bag over her shoulder, and heading to bed. It was already the early morning, but hopefully she could get some reading done and, perhaps, sleep before she had to get ready for class.

James, however, didn't go up to his bed yet. He was too busy, loving the idea of a talk with Lily Evans having gone well. He had his next reason already set up for him.

Author's Note: Yay, please please please please pleeeease review :) Okay, question: In the first movie, James was said to be a seeker. In the book, it didn't say whether he was either one. However, many people tell me he was a chaser, which doesn't really make sense because, in the fifth book, he was playing with a snitch...showing off how he could catch it, and yada yada. Anyway, I'm also pretty sure Sirius or someone said that he was a seeker. Anyway, it's confusing me. I read the whole first book over, and I'm sure it said nothing, so there you go. If you know for a fact, tell me. If you think, but aren't sure, don't worry about it. I'll probably write him as a seeker, considering it doesn't matter so much because I don't make a huge deal of the game in my stories.


	5. Lily's Problem

Author's Note: I'm quite emotional. My cat killed a bunny the other day. It didn't die peacefully either, and I tried to save it. I put it in a cage and locked it in my room with food…but the head damage was far too much, and it died anyway. I honestly get way too attached to things I've known for five minutes. Anyway, rest in peace little bunny :(. I'm sorry this took a while. I was trying to make sure it came out right. Please enjoy.

James woke up early the next morning again. It was almost as if he hadn't been up until four-thirty reading. He'd almost finished the lengthy book, but had been too tired to deny sleep any longer. He took his shower, and didn't have to wake his friends. His perkiness and jumping around in the bathroom had done the job for him.

"Morning, boys," he said cheerfully.

"I'm sensing it's a good one?" quipped Peter, rolling onto his side.

James didn't bother to answer. He simply bounced out of the dormitory blissfully, and headed down to the common room. Lily, obviously exhausted from the night before, hadn't left for the Great Hall yet, so he had the pleasure to see her on the couch when he arrived.

"Morning, Evans," he said, his mood just spreading out to all who sat watching.

"Hello, Potter," she replied, not sounding happy or angry.

James took a seat on the couch next to her, moving in dangerously close, but she didn't seem to be aware of the proximity. "I'm almost done with the book," he said proudly.

Lily looked surprised. "Wow," she said. "That's quite impressive."

James tried not to sound arrogant. "Yeah," he muttered. "It's actually quite good."

Personally, James wasn't sure if he thought it was good or not, rather not his taste, but if Lily liked it, he liked it, especially since it gave them something to discuss.

Lily was engrossed in her new book, but James went on. "Élise was trying a bit too hard, if you ask me," he said softly.

Lily's smile was evident. "You mean like you're doing?" she asked rhetorically.

James blushed and didn't say another word. He simply watched Lily read. Her eyes had dark circles around them, showing lack of sleep, but she still looked as beautiful as ever. She had a few strands of hair falling into her eyes that James was just dying to pull back.

"All right, stop," she said softly. "You're bothering me."

James jumped back to life. "Sorry," he said quickly, getting up when he saw his friends coming down the staircase. "I'll—I'll see you…later," he said.

Lily laughed. "Yes, of course."

The marauders left the common room to get down to the Great Hall, but James wasn't sure why Lily didn't follow. She was usually there early. Didn't she want to get her early start?

"So, how was it last night with Evans?" asked Sirius, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

James rolled his eyes. "Oddly enough," he said, "we talked about you."

"Me?" said Sirius, looking surprised. The four of them arrived in the Great Hall; there was hardly anyone around, and the few that were seemed to be scurrying about to see how much food they could grab before the older students came in.

Sirius watched, amused. He didn't appear to care what they'd been talking about; he'd probably already forgotten.

"You going to sit with us today, Prongs?" he asked, smirking. "I do believe I see Ms. Evans heading in here."

"She likes to sit alone…" said Remus slowly, respecting her wishes.

"Never stopped James before, though," said Peter.

They took their seats at the long table, and James decided he'd meet up with Lily in a little while, whether she would listen to him or not. "Any idea why she hates the thought of 'friendship'?" asked James. "I mean, she gets along so well with most people."

"I think she thinks it's the first step into conformity," said Remus thoughtfully. "The second step would be developing a crush on you," he teased. James forced a laugh.

"Nice," said James, rolling his eyes. "I'm going to get her," he said, determined. "I'm sure of it this time."

"Well, that's good," said Sirius sarcastically, piling his plate with eggs, "because you were _never _sure before."

"I'm going to ask her again this year, though. I'm going to make her listen if it's the last thing I do," he said confidently, also taking eggs for himself.

"Oh, she'll listen, and it _will _be the last thing you do," laughed Remus. "You ask again, and I think she'll kill you."

James crossed his arms stubbornly, looking down at his plate. "You all have no faith in me!" he exclaimed angrily. "I'm going to go sit with Lily."

Peter laughed. "Is _that _your excuse for it?"

James walked cautiously over to Lily, book in hand, hoping she would accept his presence. "Enjoying the food?" he asked, smiling.

Lily, who had her nose in a book, as usual, peeked out from behind it. "Wh—oh…" she laughed. "I'll eat," she told him with a quick roll of her eyes. "I'm just a bit distracted."

James swung his legs over the bench, taking a seat across from her. "By my beautiful face? I know. You have been before. I understand," he said, smirking.

Lily sighed. "James, come here," she said, motioning with her index finger for him to move in closer. He did so, confused. Taking her precious book, she slammed it over his head. "Idiot," she muttered, resorting back to her reading.

James blinked to block out the pain, but smiled after realizing she'd used something so important to her to _hit _him. It almost made him…special. He knew he was being pathetic, but he didn't care.

"Liiily," he said happily. Lily couldn't believe his persistence. "Lily, talk to me! Please! Come on," he said, winking. "I know you find my arrogance charming, love."

"Do you want me to be sick? I have yet to eat," said Lily, disgusted. She looked around nervously at the many people entering the hall. "I'm going to class," she said, rounding up her books, and getting up from the table.

Though James hadn't taken his first bite, he stood up with her. "Go away," she said quietly, walking out of the hall with him at her feet.

"Are you all right?" he asked, concerned. She looked rather tense.

"I will be when you leave me alone," she said, annoyed.

James hadn't deserved that for helping her, and before he could stop himself, he got angry. "Look, whatever is bothering you, it's not _my _fault," he said. "Well, not this time, anyway," he added.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Whatever," she said, ignoring the truth in his statement as he turned to walk back into the hall. He was never one to lose his temper or tell her off, but he knew there was something wrong, and he just didn't understand her at all.

James turned around, and waked back to the Great Hall to eat his meal. As worried as he was about her, and slightly angry, he wasn't about to lose food for the second consecutive morning.

After looking at the food he so longingly left Lily for, he realized that eating it wouldn't make him feel better if she was still on his mind. Besides, if he left, he could catch a seat next to her in Potions, and she never sat in the front if she could help it in that class. He picked up his—well, Lily's—book, and ran off to Potions.

James tried to quietly walk into the room, and possibly, slide in next to Lily before she even noticed he was there. She was, after all, the only one in the room, and she had her nose in her book.

"Ah, Mr. Potter."

He winced as Lily looked up at him. Well, Slughorn just ruined his entire plan. "Hello, Sir," he said reluctantly. At least, Lily wouldn't shoo him away while her favorite teacher stood directly in front of them.

James took his seat next to her, wondering why she never _did _sit in the front of the classroom. She did in every other lesson, and in this class, she was royalty. He supposed Lily didn't like all the attention the way James did.

As more students started to pile in when it was actually time for class, Professor Slughorn was forced to leave them be as he welcomed them in.

"Sorry," said Lily quickly, as though the word on her tongue burned her.

James had to laugh. "It's okay," he said. He knew she was sorry for the way she'd treated him after he was only trying to help, but he couldn't find a way to effectively say, "It's okay, but still, I need to know why you hate people." Of course, that wasn't the one he was going to use.

"Well, I'd like to give you my reason," said James. "I do hope I'm allowed."

Lily took out her quill, readying herself to take notes if they had to. "Reason away," she said, keeping her eyes on the blank parchment.

"You feel bad for Sirius, even though you don't like him," he said. "Plus, you see the world in _gray." _

Lily didn't say a word, but looked over at the book she had let him borrow. "Any scratches? Smudges? Stains?"

"No," he said, knowing exactly what she was talking about without asking. "Do you think of nothing else?"

Lily drummed her fingers on the desk, once again, failing to answer him. "I'm surprised at you, you know?" she said. "Your reasons actually show personality."

James shrugged, hoping not to seem excited by her statement. "You always knew I had a personality. You just thought it happened to **suck." **

Lily laughed good-naturedly, starting to forget about whatever had been bothering her. "Good point."

"Psst, James!"

James closed his eyes, wishing it were humanly possible to kill the voice with his mind, and force her to forget she had ever called him. Lily watched James, amused as James tried to pretend she wasn't there.

"James," she said again. James turned around reluctantly.

"Yes, Amy?" he asked, gritting his teeth. Lily stifled a laugh.

"I wanted to talk to you about Sirius," she said.

Amy Gardella. Sirius' longest lasting girlfriend, even if that only meant five days. Their relationship had begun and ended in September of third year, and Sirius had never spoken to her again. Unfortunately, she spent her time trying to get James to force him to.

"Never would have guessed," he said, making it clear that he was being sarcastic.

James could feel Lily's glare on him, and he tried to sound more polite immediately. "Well, we'll talk later," he said lightly. "We're in class right now."

He turned around, smiling proudly at Lily, who just rolled her eyes at the antics. "This is why I'm scared to help Lindsey," she said quietly.

James glanced at Sirius, who sat in the right hand corner of the room with Remus by his side, and Peter right in front. He nodded to himself. "I'll help," he said, determined.

"Having someone on the inside would definitely be nice," she said appreciatively. "Thanks."

"And—"

"Shh," she said, a finger to her lips. "Professor Slughorn is ready to begin."

James couldn't believe he was sitting next to her. Lily, though she disliked him, never seemed to do things like push him away if he stood too close, or tell him he was absolutely _not _to sit at the same table with her. He guessed it had something to do with maturity, though he didn't know much about it himself.

He couldn't help staring at her hand as she scribbled notes quickly while Professor Slughorn talked. It was unusual for them to take notes in his class, but perhaps he was aware that, if they did, it would be easier for James to enjoy Lily's presence. If a potion had to be concocted, there would surely be a fight.

"Potter," she said, breaking him out of his reverie about her beautiful hand.

"Hmm?"

"Stop," she said, her hand tensing up. "Stop watching me," she said, the pen shaking in her hand slightly.

"Sorry," he said, looking down again at his blank parchment. Maybe…just maybe, he should have been copying a bit down himself. However, he became preoccupied with Lily's completely anxious attitude that she held for the rest of the class.

As the signal sounded for class to end, James tried to catch up with Lily, but she, as usual, thought it was necessary to rush out of the room. Before he could rush out to get her, though, he was intercepted by Amy.

"James," she said sweetly. "James, aren't we going to talk?"

"Well, you know what," said James, calling a confused Remus over to him, "Remus is SO much better at that than me."

"Ja—" Remus started, but James had already fled from the room. Remus simply glared at the spot he'd been standing in as Sirius and Peter followed him out.

James scanned the corridor for Lily, well aware that Sirius and Peter were close behind him. "I'll see you guys in Transfiguration," he said, running far ahead after he had seen a glimpse of her red hair.

He took off in that direction, speeding through a pack of first year girls, and apologizing after knocking one down. After his minor distraction, he'd finally found her again, heading toward the common room, obviously taking a break before their next lesson.

"Evans," he said, catching up behind her as she was walking in through the portrait hole.

The use of surnames as opposed to first names had a tendency to vary with them lately. Lily looked at him, confused. He was completely out of breath, and looking rather awed. "You walk fast," he said simply. "I turned around, and you were out of the classroom, and down the hall already."

"Yeah," said Lily, fidgeting. She walked over to sit on the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest protectively.

"I'm glad we have this…down time during these two classes," said James, taking a seat next to her.

Lily nodded, looking down at the floor. "Me too," she said softly.

Lily turned her head to the common room entrance, seeing Remus enter, looking flustered. "Thank you so much, James," he said, throwing his hands in the air. "I told her I was thirsty."

James laughed. "Great excuse."

"She didn't really seem too fussed about it. I think she preferred talking to you," he said, taking a seat in between them.

Lily visibly flinched, getting up immediately from the couch, with the excuse that she would rather read in the chair in the corner of the room. Remus raised his eyebrow. "She was fine sitting with you…"

James shrugged. "She likes you; don't worry. She's just being weird. Besides," he added, "she hates me, remember?"

"Comforting words," said Remus, sighing.

"They're not, but I think I'm going to offer Lily some," said James, walking over to the other side of the room.

Lily was huddled up in her chair, looking much less comfortable than she had been on the couch, reading as she said she was going to. "Hey," he said.

"Leave, please," she requested, not taking her eyes off the page.

James let out the breath he didn't know he'd been holding, and began to say what he had been trying to for a while.

"There's something wrong with you."

It didn't come out exactly as he had planned it to, but Lily didn't seem to be confused. In fact, she looked as though she'd been expecting it.

"I'm going upstairs," she said, throwing her bag back over her shoulder.

"Wait," he said, following her to the stairs, "just…tell me what's wrong. I'll help!"

Lily stopped at the staircase before turning around to look at him. "Potter, I'm _fine, _okay?" she said. For a split second, James almost believed her.

He mentally shook himself. "No, you're not, and I, as your only friend—"

Remus, from the couch, closed his eyes in humiliation for James. This was not going to be good.

"My only friend?" said Lily. "First of all, Potter, you are _not _my friend, and I don't need you thinking that I need one. Second of all, who the hell are you to give me advice? You were the one who ruined the only friendship I ever had."

"Snape?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. Students in the common room had started to watch, some shocked, some entertained. "How did I ruin that?"

"Never mind how! Why? Why did you treat him that way? He was my best friend."

James looked bewildered. Why was Snape suddenly making his way into the conversation? "He is a death eater at heart, and you know it!" he exclaimed, unable to control himself.

"It doesn't matter!" said Lily tearfully. "He was my friend. What would you do if I tortured your best friend?" she asked, crossing her arms.

"Evans…" he said, shaking his head, "you _wouldn't."_

"You're missing the point!" she said, frustrated. He saw the tears beginning to fall from her eyes, and he felt horrible. "As for what's 'wrong with me' as you said so kindly, I am fine."

"You're—you're not," he said, unable to get past the fact that she was crying.

"Well, then, it's not your business," she said angrily, turning around to walk up to her dormitory.

"You only brought Snape up as a diversion," James went on.

"So what if I did! Potter, not everything is up to you to know, figure out, or solve, okay?" she screamed out, not caring about the audience she had. "Just…go bother someone else."

Author's Note: Yes, well, I hope it was up to your standards :) Oooh, what is _up _with our dear friend Lily? I'll try to get another chapter up before I go to Florida on the ninth.


	6. Sirius' Deal

Author's Note: Yeah, so, I've been neglecting my Degrassi stories lately, but this has been more important to me. By the way, on Thursday, I'm going away…so after this, I won't be posting again until like the 13th or after. Enjoy.

James stabbed his fork into his roast beef irritably. "_What _is her problem?" he asked, speaking to no one in particular.

Sirius watched James eat his food carefully, afraid he would be the next thing wounded by James' eating utensils. "I don't know, mate. I've been telling you for years she has issues," he said, shrugging.

James glanced at Lily from his end of the table, her nose still in her book. "I just finished the book I borrowed from her," he spoke to Remus, though he still watched Lily intently.

"That's not going to help you win her over," said Remus. "Saying what you did this morning set you back about twenty steps, I'm sure."

James sighed, throwing his fork down on the plate noisily, and letting his head fall into his hands. "I'm _trying. _Can't she see?"

Remus, from his left side, looked at him sympathetically, and patted him gently on the back. "She will," he said softly.

James let his eyes linger on her for a moment longer, and he saw Lindsey approach her, probably looking for more guidance with Sirius. He turned to Sirius at the thought.

"Padfoot," he started cautiously.

"Yeah?" asked Sirius, looking confused at being addressed. Sirius was sure he wasn't about to be asked for any help with Evans…James wasn't stupid, was he?

James laughed at the expression on his friend's face. "I just wanted to ask you about…Amy," he said, slowly bringing him into it.

"Amy?" asked Sirius incredulously. He looked even more perplexed than before. "Why the hell are we talking about her?"

"Did you like her?" asked James.

Sirius and Remus exchanged glances; Amy hadn't been brought up in years. Sirius cleared his throat loudly, gesturing for James to lower his voice, considering the girl was a few seats down.

Finally, he shrugged. "Yeah, a bit. Then, I grew some sense, though," he said, laughing.

James opened and closed his mouth several times before speaking again. "Are you interested in anyone?" he asked, picking up his fork again. Maybe Lily wouldn't hate him so much if he helped her with her case.

Sirius looked suspicious. "Not really…" he said slowly. "Why?"

James sighed. It wasn't going to be so easy. "See that girl over there?" he asked, nodding his head to where Lindsey sat next to Lily, looking frantic.

Sirius' eyes widened. "You're trying to set me up with Evans?!" Sirius reached his hand across the table, dropping the knife he held onto the plate with a crash, and touched James' forehead with the back of his hand. "Are you sick?" he asked.

James sighed as Sirius sat back down. "Thank you for causing a scene, and no," he said. "I meant Lindsey."

"Ellhart?" he said, laughing, looking back over at the two. Lindsey looked quickly away as she had been eyeing him while speaking with Lily. "She's never spoken a word to me in her life."

Remus picked up his book. "She likes you," he said simply before beginning to read.

"How do you know?" asked James. "Oh, now Lily is going to think I told him!" he exclaimed.

"Of course she likes me," he said, smiling. "Everyone does."

James fought the urge to look at the beautiful redhead again, trying to focus instead on his friend.

He sighed. "Padfoot, listen," he said, his expression serious. "This girl…she doesn't want to—well, Remus?"

"For lack of a better word," Remus helped, putting on a small smile, "she doesn't just want a shag."

Sirius looked appalled, slowly lowering the piece of apple pie he was about to shove into his mouth. He stared at his two friends, vaguely wondering why Peter was so late for a meal.

"Who _doesn't?" _he asked, his mouth still hanging wide open in shock.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Well, James and I, for ex—" he paused, "me, at least. I don't know about him," he finished, jabbing James in the chest. "And apparently, Lindsey doesn't."

"Lily too," James added, blushing when his friend gave him a look that showed he clearly thought James was out of his right mind.

Sirius simply rolled his eyes. "Look, what else could she—Lindsey Ellhart—be looking for from me?" he asked, looking longingly at the food on his plate, hoping it would answer the question for him.

Remus looked at him as if he were a child. "Love? Companionship? Perhaps even just a friendship?"

Sirius shook his head. "No, that can't be it," he said, running his thumb over his chin thoughtfully.

Lily scanned the students who sat around her quite carefully, every so often taking a bite of her salad. She wasn't paying too much attention to the taste, truthfully.

When Lindsey came to take a seat next to her, she had to admit that she wasn't completely surprised. Annoyed, perhaps, but not surprised.

"Hello, Lindsey," she said sweetly, moving over so that she had more room.

"Are you busy?" she asked frantically, pushing her dark brown hair out of her eyes.

A part of Lily really wanted, even though she knew it wasn't right, to tell her that she was, but the stronger part of her took over. She sighed, quickly hoping that Lindsey didn't hear it, and shook her head. "Not for you," she said, putting on a fake smile.

Lindsey looked relieved, and Lily was glad she hadn't told her to piss off. "Thanks," she said. "I tried talking to him today," she said excitedly.

"Oh, yes?" asked Lily, taken aback, trying to push her negative feelings on the world out of her mind.

"Yes…but then I walked away," she said shamefully, blushing.

Lily resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "He's no one to be afraid of," she said, turning to glare in their direction. Thankfully, not one of the marauders was watching.

Lindsey couldn't hold back a nervous laugh. "Why do you hate them so much?" she asked, bewildered as though she couldn't believe anyone would dislike Sirius.

Lily didn't answer. "Just don't walk away from him. If you want to talk to him, talk. He's quite easy with that," she said. "Trust me."

Lindsey looked skeptical, but nodded. "I'll try," she said. "Thank you, Lily." Lily could hear the appreciation in her voice.

"I'll try to do more if I actually start speaking to Potter again," she replied bitterly, pushing some more food around her plate "I think I'm going to go back to the common room, all right? I have some homework."

Lindsey nodded. "I'll just find Sam," she said, letting Lily get up.

Lily had incorrectly assumed that James wasn't watching her because, as soon as she stood, he stood as well. Why did he insist on following her?

She walked as quickly as she possibly could without making it seem as though she were running, even if she might have been, but he still caught up with her on the way out the door.

She stopped walking, turning to him, figuring she might as well get it over with. "_What?" _she snapped, annoyed. "I have work to do!"

"Good, I'll do mine too," he said, obviously seeing that as a much better plan than Lily did.

Lily started walking again, pretending that James' presence didn't bother her in the least. She jumped onto the staircase before it decided to move.

"So, I thought you were angry with me," she said conversationally, holding onto the railing. She never did like Hogwarts' staircases too much.

"Nah," he said, waving his hand, though he was upset. "I could never stay mad at you, Evans."

"Oh," Lily replied, slightly disappointed.

"You know, I am tr—"

"Password," said the Fat Lady lazily, interrupting him.

"Aniversá," said Lily quietly. (A/N: Yeah, long story to that word lol.)

James followed her through the portrait hole, letting go of what he had planned on saying earlier. Lily took a seat on the velvet couch, and he sat next to her. It was rare that she actually told him to leave unless he started speaking. Therefore, he tried not to say a word.

Lily chose to pretend he wasn't there as she opened her Transfiguration book, mouthing each question to herself, thinking for a moment, and answering it. James was impressed. At that rate, she probably finished all of her homework in fifteen minutes or less.

"Li—lily," he said cautiously, already afraid of being pushed away.

"Hmm?" she mumbled, preoccupied with her work.

James forgot what he was saying for a moment, too busy staring at her as she worked. Some people may have thought it strange how James could find himself entranced just watching her simply do her homework, but he didn't care. She was absolutely amazing.

"James," she said, annoyed. "Are you going to say something?" she asked, waving her hand in front of his face.

He blinked, embarrassed. "I don't remember," he muttered, looking away from her.

"Figures," she said quietly, focusing again on Transfiguration. "I hate this class," she said, and James heard her laugh a little bit.

He smiled sympathetically. "What problem are you having?" he asked, leaning in closer to read the question.

Lily automatically moved over. "It's fine," she said, uncomfortable with his nearness.

She knew she was being silly. James was good at Transfiguration, smart, and most importantly, was willing to help her, but because of some stupid fears, anxieties, in addition to her dislike for him, she wasn't going to let him help when she obviously needed it.

James looked hurt by her conspicuous slide across the couch. He hadn't been doing anything wrong, had he? Did he say something particularly stupid?

"I'm sorry," he said. He didn't actually know why he said it because he didn't know why he was sorry. All he knew was, if he hurt her in any way, he was regretful.

Lily shook her head. "Don't be."

James had to ask. "Lily, are you mad because of the whole 'friend' thing?" he asked, biting his tongue. Perhaps, that hadn't been a good idea.

She blinked, still pretending to work on her Transfiguration questions. Then, she shrugged. "Forget it," she said softly.

James looked concerned at her sudden change in attitude. She'd become quiet, which, when Lily was upset, was unusual. She generally liked to let everyone know she was angry or upset.

"Evans," he began, "whatever is wrong, you know, you can tell me."

"Because you're my 'only friend'," she said, her tone sour, but she had the ghost of a smile in her eyes.

James smiled, feeling a strange confidence that enabled him to put his arm around her just for a moment. However, he quickly pulled it back as Lily didn't look pleased.

"I'm sorry," he said immediately.

Lily looked pained, almost as if she wanted to say something, but didn't know how. "No, it's…all right," she said slowly. "I just…" she hesitated, "want to do my work upstairs."

James frowned, but he didn't argue with her, not anticipating a repeat of the morning. He nodded. "I'll see you later," he said.

She turned around to face him, confused for a second before recollection spread over her face. "Right, patrolling," she said, shaking her head at the seemingly unimportant Head Girl obligation.

"Later," she repeated, walking across the room to the stairs.

"Evans!"

Lily and James both turned their heads toward the entrance to the Common Room. "Evans!" Sirius shouted again, running past James.

Lily looked expectantly at James from the first step on the Girls' Dormitory staircase. James just sat straight up on the couch that now completely belonged to him, shrugging in response, showing that he knew no more than she did.

Sirius eyed James closely, and then turned back to Lily. "I have a deal to make with you, Evans," he said quietly, though he knew James was too far to hear.

Lily studied him carefully. There was an evil glint in his eye, and he looked quite proud of himself. She wondered if she could honestly trust any deal that came from his mouth.

"What is it?" she asked cautiously. She ignored the bad feeling in her chest mainly because she was too curious _not _to ask.

Author's Note: Please please pleassse review. I have a one-shot in my head, and if I have time, I'll write it and post it tomorrow. If not, I will when I come back. I'm going on my first ever plane Thursday. Nervous? Hell yes.


	7. The Plan

Author's Note: I know people seem interested in more reasons, but this chapter is a continuation of the same day last chapter included, so there won't be two reasons in one day. Anyway…this chapter is—well, I'm not going to say it's not interesting, but the next chapter is a very exciting one, and this chapter is the lead-in. Oh, a little bit of language at the end. Hope it doesn't offend you. :)

"I heard from my good friend, Remus, that you're trying to set me up with a girl who's got a little crush on me," said Sirius.

Lily took a step closer to him, raising an eyebrow. Some people had started to stare, so she wanted to get their conversation over with as quickly as possible. People weren't accustomed to seeing Lily Evans talking civilly with Sirius Black.

"So?" she asked. What could possibly… "Oh, no," she said, not bothering to keep her words inside her head. "No, no, no, no, no…this can't be good."

Sirius grinned. "I, Sirius Black, promise to ask Lindsey Ellhart out on a date, and be a perfect gentleman, even _consider_ going out again, and trying a," he paused, shuddering, "relationship. I promise I will try to consider it."

"And my end of the deal?" asked Lily nervously, biting her lip.

"You will do the same for James," he said. Lily had been sure the plan had something to do with Potter.

Lily was silent for a moment, glancing at James, knowing he couldn't heard a word being said, though was _clearly _curious, and Lily didn't blame him one bit for it. She pondered it. If Sirius went out with Lindsey, Lindsey would be extremely happy, and therefore, one thing on Lily's mind would disappear.

However, if Black broke her heart, she would have even more to deal with. Besides, James Potter. A date with James Potter. It seemed to be the biggest imperfection in her choosing this deal. Black did say he would keep an open mind, and he would try to get to know her, instead of just trying to entice her into bed. And Lily knew Sirius was a lot of things, but she was sure he wasn't a liar.

But she would have to keep an open mind as well, something she wasn't sure she'd be able to do. Sure, she could be pleasant with him for a night if it got Sirius to help her with her Lindsey problem…but with the promise of trying to think about more with him? That wasn't likely.

She had to be fair when thinking, though, that Sirius wasn't keen on a relationship with Lindsey either. He didn't believe in them. Well, if Sirius was brave enough to try something that he was completely against just to help his best friend get a date, Lily's respect for the marauders went up a notch.

"I suppose," she started, "one date wouldn't hurt."

Sirius looked extremely excited, positively jovial, eyes dancing merrily with the thought of his best friend finally getting…a, well, a sort-of chance. "Thank you!" he said, putting all past grievances in the past for that moment. "You won't regret it."

Lily decided not to tell him that she most certainly would regret it, and brought up an issue. "What are we going to tell him?" she asked.

Sirius looked back at James who, by that point, was close to bursting with the need to shout out, 'WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!' but couldn't. Sirius chuckled lightly at his expression, shrugging. "I'll create some story about why we talked; I'm good at that, but as for you…how will this work out?" he asked.

Lily looked thoughtful. "Hmm," she said quietly. "I'll talk to him, and I'll let you know."

Sirius smiled gratefully, holding out his hand for Lily to shake. Uncertainly, she took it, agreeing to the plan. "Thank you," he said. "You may make me sleep better…literally, considering he talks about you all night."

Lily rolled her eyes. "You're the one helping me." She looked back at James. "I'd better go," she said, walking up to her dormitory.

"Oh, wait," said Sirius, making her turn around. "Ask him about a Hogsmeade trip tomorrow with us. That way, we'll be able to watch each other," he winked. Lily was pleased he'd be there, not leaving her all alone with James.

"Hogsmeade? How?" she asked. Sirius definitely had more than one thing up his sleeve. She rolled her eyes. "Never mind; I don't want to know.soo I'll see you tomorrow."

Sirius waited until Lily had closed the door to her room before he wiped the smile off his face and threw himself onto the couch next to his friend.

"Hey," he said, his expression nonchalant.

James looked at him in astonishment, mouth hanging open. Sirius had to fight back a laugh. "Yes?" he asked, pretending he had absolutely no idea what James was looking incredulous about. "Can I help you?"

James sighed. "Lily?"

"Oh, of _course," _he said, smiling faintly. "Well, there was just a guy who wanted to ask her out," he started, ignoring the angry look on James' face, "and I told her he was going to, and that she couldn't say yes, creating some story about him." Sirius shrugged as though it had been no big deal.

"So, she said she'd say no?" asked James.

Sirius nodded. "After some convincing, yeah."

James wasn't sure if he believed him or not, but eventually decided he was too tired to care. After yawning, he said, "I'm going to try to get some sleep before patrolling with Evans later. Night."

"Night," said Sirius. He felt extremely accomplished, and there was only one thing left to do.

Sirius waited on the couch, deciding to take out his homework since, unfortunately, he had nothing else to do while he sat alone in the common room. It seemed a year and a half had gone by before Lindsey and Samantha finally walked in through the portrait hole, Samantha giggling noisily and Lindsey smiling silently.

It was now or never. "El—" he corrected himself quickly. "Lindsey!" he called out, grabbing her attention immediately, and also her friend's.

Lindsey smiled shyly, her hands shaking as she walked closer to him. She never was good with hiding her nervousness. "What's up?" she asked. "Is there something you need?"

Sirius got off the couch, standing not ten inches away from her, his head much higher than hers. "I was wondering if, perhaps, tomorrow, you'd like to go to Hogsmeade with my friends, Lily, and I."

Lindsey looked as if she'd only just found out Christmas came twice this year. "Really?" she asked, looking ready to scream. "I—I mean, Lily and James…in the same—"

"It'll be covered. Don't," he took her hand to kiss it suavely, "you worry."

Lindsey smiled, speaking almost in a whisper. "But how…it's not a Hogsmeade weekend—how will we…" She couldn't seem to form sentences.

"I've got it all covered, love," he said. "I have to head upstairs now. So, do we have a date?" he asked.

Samantha, eavesdropping from behind on the entire conversation, looked almost as excited as Lindsey. She probably couldn't wait to tell people. "Yes, we have a date." It was a miracle Lindsey could find herself speaking.

"See you then," said Sirius, leaving Lindsey and Samantha in the common room to discuss clothing, accessories, make-up for the date, and more importantly, that it had really _happened._

At ten-fifty, Lily stood at the bottom of the boys' dormitories, waiting for James. She knew, if he came down at all, he'd be _just_ on time, but she wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible. She'd never actually asked a boy out before, and even though James Potter wasn't exactly her dream date, (to say the least) she still wanted to do it right. No matter who he was, there was no way Lily would have him see her looking like an idiot.

Much too soon for her liking, it was eleven, and James Potter was coming down the staircase, his face brightening when he saw her at the bottom.

"Pleasant surprise," he said cheerfully.

"Hi," Lily replied shortly, not willing to say anything else. She looked away guiltily. There was no way she could ever do this, and no way she'd ever want to. "Let's go," she said quietly, brushing ahead of him. James followed obediently.

They didn't speak for mostly the entire walk; James was almost worried, considering the problems Lily seemed to be having lately, so he finally spoke up. "You okay?" he asked, walking dangerously close to her.

Lily subconsciously moved away. "I'm fine," she mumbled, not planning on saying anything else. "Potter…James," she corrected.

"Hmm?" James was surprised he'd been addressed.

"Would…maybe…"

There was absolutely no possibly way Lily could do this. She simply couldn't, and she'd have to tell Sirius the plan was off. As soon as she was starting to think it was a lost cause, she found words she didn't know she had in her.

"Sirius was thinking you all would hang out tomorrow, and Lindsey and I were told we could come along, so I was wondering, if I did go…"

"Yes?" James encouraged, his interest definitely peaking.

"Well, if I went…you and I," she paused, gritting her teeth, "would…could we…possibly go as…"

James didn't seem to be as bright as Lily thought he was. Couldn't he see what she was trying to say? Wasn't she implying it?

"I want you to be, like…" Lily knew her face was bright red. She didn't _want_ to do this. She didn't want to go out with _anyone, _especially not Potter. Hadn't she made that quite clear? She rolled her eyes at her inability to speak, and forced herself to boldly say, "Be my date."

James' eyes widened significantly. Where, in Merlin's name, was Lily? Was it possible he was walking the halls with an imposter? A mur—well, if the truth be told, the real Lily was probably scarier than any murderer.

"You—you want—are you really—why? What did I do?!"

Lily smiled despite herself. "If you'd rather we didn't—"

"No," he interrupted, afraid he'd missed his chance. "I definitely want to."

Lily nodded. The terrible deed of asking had been done. Now if only she could get through the actual date, all would be…well, not good, but she preferred to think that way under her terrible case of insecurity.

James knew better than to think that, suddenly, Lily Evans had fallen in love with him, but he didn't care. She was giving him a chance! After six years, for some strange reason unbeknownst to him, she was throwing him an opening, and he undeniably wanted it.

"So, what was your talk with Sirius about?" he asked.

**Crap. **Had he not believed what Sirius said? Why didn't she realize that she and Sirius would have to tell the same story? "Umm," she began.

James looked as if he knew he'd caught her in the act of lying already. "Some personal thing," she said. "Boys."

Lily had meant it in a way that stated boys could be too curious for their own good, but James seemed to take it to mean that she and Sirius were talking about a boy.

"Oh," said James, surprised. They really had been discussing—"What boy?"

Lily looked confused for a moment, and then realized, with horror, what he'd meant. **Crap **again. "Snape," she said.

"Snape asked you out?!" James exclaimed, stopping in mid-walk.

"What? No!" **Crap again.** "I just meant…well, Snape knew this guy who was going to, and…well—" That was wonderful. They stopped walking, taking the soon to be usual break at the bench.

James shrugged. "I'm prying. Sorry." And he didn't bring it up again.

The rest of their walk passed by very quietly, and James found himself thinking again that there was no reason they had to be patrolling. Hell, he, of course, was not complaining about the fact that he was _required _to spend time with Evans. That was the best part of his seventh year yet…well, beside the _**date. **_

The thing he didn't like was the thought of getting other students in trouble. James himself was a marauder, of course, and getting others into trouble for the kind of things he did more or less on a daily basis, was rather painful to the soul. It was almost as if he was breaking some sort of unspoken vow between all troublemakers in the school. However, it didn't look like there were any kids around lately, or in the last couple days he'd been Head Boy.

Finally, they'd arrived at the Common Room. Before Lily and James were to separate to go back to their dormitories, James pulled Lily back. "Wait," he said. "Were you joking before?"

Lily smiled piteously at him. "No, James." She didn't want to say anymore, fearing she'd say something she would regret. "Out of curiosity, how are we going to get into Hogsmeade?"

James smirked. "You'll see," he said knowingly.

Lily rolled her eyes, feeling the fatigue wash over her suddenly. "So vague. Good-night, James Potter." Unsure if she should have said his first name or his last, she figured that was safe.

James looked happier than she'd ever seen him. Something about that look made her sure that one silly date that she would go on as a favor wouldn't really kill her. He looked as if nothing in the world could bring him down.

James waited until Lily was halfway up the stairs before running up his own staircase, close to bursting with contained joy. He threw his dormitory open; three pairs of eyes turned to him, shocked at the noise.

Peter groaned. "What the hell, James?" he asked. James didn't have time to realize it was half past twelve.

Remus, however, looked worried, and he immediately sat up. "Prongs? What's wrong?" he asked.

James couldn't hold it in any longer. He closed the door behind him before shouting, "I'VE GOT A DATE WITH LILY EVANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sirius sat up as well, for the first time not caring that he was exhausted. "That's great," he said with a smile.

"Wow," said Remus. "How did you manage that?" he asked.

"We'll talk in the morning," James replied, walking in the dark to his bed. "I'm just…I'm so fucking happy."

Sirius laughed as James blindly crashed into an end table, but James didn't make a noise that showed he'd even noticed it happened. "I'm so _fucking _happy," he repeated, lying on his bed in his school robes. "I'm _so fucking happy." _

Remus nodded. "We know, James. Good-night,"

The others got ready to sleep again, hoping James was done. "Yeah, good-night, Moony." He added a whispered, "I'm so fucking happy" before finally quieting. Sleep, however, didn't come. He was too busy planning his date.


	8. Hurt

Author's Note: I just wanted to say that, if you recall, a few chapters ago there was one entitled 'Lily's problem', and though it may seem, throughout this chapter, that Lily is having strange and, well, slightly random thoughts that probably don't make any sense, such as 'don't give control', everything will come together. Really. So, the beginning of this chapter is kind of slow moving, but it gets better, if I do say so myself. Enjoy :)

_Harry: staring into fire "It was horrible, they were all bombarding me with these awful things, saying things that weren't true..."  
Hermione: "Don't pay them any mind, Harry. We've been fighting off the H/Hr supporters for years, haven't we, Ron?"  
Ron: "Yeah, we definitely have. Remember that time when they burst in on us snogging in the alley in Hogsmeade?"  
Hermione: shudders "How could I forget?"  
Harry: "So that's where you guys went!"  
Hermione and Ron: catch each other's eyes "Uh-oh..."_

Lily sat nervously at her common seat in the Great Hall. She was one of the first there again, reading her book as she nibbled at her French toast. Today was the big day. After dinner, the marauders, Lindsey, and Lily would be heading off to Hogsmeade. She still wasn't sure she'd made a good decision in choosing to take up Sirius' offer, but there was no turning back now.

After her third bite, she declared to herself she was done, and began concentrating on her reading.

"Lily!"

Could she get two minutes? Was that really too much to ask? Lily put on her best fake smile. "Hello, Lindsey," she said softly, not bothering to put her book down lower than her nose.

Lindsey didn't sit, so she assumed she'd be going back to sit with her actual friends. "I just wanted to say…I don't know what happened, but—thank you!"

Lily was just happy that what she was doing was actually being appreciated. "No problem, Lindsey."

Lindsey seemed to realize Lily wanted some time alone with her book. Either that, or she wanted to hang around some more interesting people. Whatever the reason, she left in a hurry without another word.

When Lily heard the hustle and bustle of students piling into the Great Hall, she got up from her table reluctantly. James, being one of them, rushed over to her. "Don't tell me you're leaving," he said.

Sirius, who was right behind James, nodded along with James' words. "You've barely eaten a thing," James went on.

Lily rolled her eyes at their concern, but didn't enjoy the feeling of so many people around so early in the morning. "I'll see you in class," she said, tucking her book straight under her arm. She was glad that, even though he seemed troubled, James didn't follow her out. She was going to get enough of him during class, when he realized he needed to give the day's reason, and when the date came along. That was still eating away at her.

She walked, with her book securely in her arm and her school books in her bag, out of the Great Hall, feeling his eyes on her back the entire time.

"So," said Remus, just strolling in with Peter, and sitting across from James and Sirius at the Gryffindor table.

"So," James repeated, helping himself to a blueberry muffin. The teeth bearing grin still evident on his face from the night before.

"Did you sleep with that smile?" asked Remus teasingly, but happy for his friend all the same.

"Didn't sleep," said James, laughing. "I just…I just can't believe it, you know? I don't know what I did that made it change," he said, staring into space as if he were waiting for the answer to fall into his head.

Sirius refused to meet his eyes, wondering why he felt so guilty. He'd gotten the boy a date with the girl of his dreams! Sirius should feel proud of himself, but instead he felt a little blameworthy. Surely, James wouldn't be angry with him if he knew that Lily hadn't gone out with him just because he'd made a deal.

No, he wouldn't because Lily had promised she'd be open-minded, and if she were open-minded, and she decided she _liked _James after the date, (which was the plan, after all) then they'd get together, and the 'deal' would be forgotten. However, he still had his own side of the plan to worry about later on.

Certainly, Lily would keep to her side, wouldn't she? She was a woman of integrity, of course, so she would feel positively awful if she didn't do exactly as she had been asked.

And James looked so damn _happy. _It couldn't be wrong. It simply couldn't be wrong to want to see that smile on his best friend's face, even if he was partly doing it just so he could get some more sleep, not having to listen to his friend's whining all ni—regardless, he was mostly doing it for James' welfare

"Padfoot?" said James, waving his hand in front of Sirius' face.

"Sorry," Sirius apologized quietly. "So, what were we talking about?" he asked, trying to put on a convincing, 'I'm completely listening' sort of face.

"The whole date thing tonight. I'm so confused," said James, frowning for the first time all morning. "I don't understand. _You _invited her, and then she sort of asked me out? It's…weird."

Though James was questioning it, he didn't look overly fretful. He simply went back to eating, the smile returning to his face. Remus, however, gave Sirius a suspicious look, which Sirius quickly dodged by glancing a few seats down to where Lindsey sat.

He waved, a gesture she heartily returned, and looked down at his plate. Remus was smart enough to know something was going on, but was also smart enough to not bring it up in front of James.

James was lost in dreamland when Remus finally decided that the four of them should start heading to class. "We've eaten quite enough, okay?" said Remus, rolling his eyes at their stubbornness.

"But—"

Remus interrupted James. "Lily's there," he said, knowing it would motivate him.

"Let's go," he replied immediately, following Remus' lead. The other two followed obediently.

When they arrived at their destination, McGonagall's room, most of the students were already there. Actually, if James counted correctly, he and his three friends were the only ones who weren't.

"We aren't late, are we?" asked James, speaking mainly to Remus. He didn't want to jump a step back in the progress he'd made with Lily Evans.

"Nope, just about on time," said Remus, taking his seat next to a rambunctious Gryffindor boy James recognized as Harry Ellhart. No, the name wasn't a coincidence. The complete personality difference between the two cousins, however, probably made it seem that way.

James smiled briefly at the boy before he walked over to sit in the empty seat next to Lily.

She looked appalled. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Sitting next to you," he answered simply.

Lily scooted her chair over automatically, looking down at the desk. _He's just Potter._ _No danger there._ She pushed away her stupid, frightful thoughts, and looked up at him again. "Why?" she asked.

"You didn't think you were getting away without a reason, did you?" he asked, winking.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Pay attention. Professor McGonagall will begin soon," she chastised.

"Just hear the reason…" he pleaded, pouting childishly at her.

"Quickly, though," she said, trying to ignore the sweet, excited look he still had on.

James didn't have to think for a moment before he said, "You always surprise me."

"I do?" asked Lily, confused.

James nodded. "Sometimes, just when I think I've got you completely figured out, you do something completely unexpected…and you throw me off guard."

"And that's a good thing?" she said, raising her eyebrow.

"With you_, everything's_ good," said James charmingly, pulling out his quill from his bag. "Shall we listen to the lesson now?" he asked, grinning.

Lily nodded, deciding they definitely should, but her mind kept straying to their coming date.

"So…due to a map, a cloak, and a secret passageway, we're in Honeydukes cellar?" asked Lindsey, sounding quite impressed as well as confused.

Lily walked quietly behind, nervous they'd be caught. "This is a horrible idea," she said, shaking her head.

Remus and Peter had opted not to come, realizing it would be some sort of a double date with the two of them as extras. They'd either be ignored or simply feel awkward, which wasn't how they wanted to spend their Friday evening. Lily was understanding, but a little unhappy. She would have felt better with them as distractions, and not as claustrophobic or insecure.

The four of them had met, as planned, in the common room after dinner. Lindsey had even asked Lily for advice on clothing. Couldn't she tell Lily was wearing clothes that looked as if she were sitting alone in a dormitory all night? Why would she ever ask her advice? Right, of _course. _Lily had the 'secrets'. If only Lindsey knew how stupid that was.

"We know people well her; they won't care, Ev—Lily," said Sirius. So far, James hadn't spoken a word to his date.

Surprisingly, Lily's anxiety about getting caught disappeared. She was a bit more concerned with James' attitude.

Finally, when they'd made their way upstairs into Honeydukes, Lily spoke to him. "You all right?" she asked, shifting from foot to foot uncomfortably as she watched Lindsey and Sirius walk to a different part of the large sweet's shop.

"I was thinking of getting you something," said James quickly. Apparently, he hadn't heard her question. "I just wasn't sure if you wanted me to bring you something. I mean, I know you like roses—"

And he knew that _how_?

"—but I wasn't sure I should bring you that because, well, I didn't know if this was anything important to you or what, but—"

"James," Lily interrupted, trying not to laugh at his enthusiasm.

However, James went on. "I mean, I did bring something for you, but—well, I wasn't sure if it's appropriate for this time, but I got it a long time ago, and—"

"Please!" she said, raising her voice. James finally stopped rambling. "Calm down. Whatever you have, I will take it," she said with a smile, "Gladly."

Making sure to keep the same amount of distance between them, James took something out of his pocket underneath his cloak.

"It's not wrapped or boxed or anything. If the truth be told," he said, looking slightly unsure about the gift, "I never intended to give it to you. I bought it a few years ago, and I made a bet with my friends that if you ever agreed to go out with me, I'd give it to you."

"So," he said, handing the item to her, "it's kind of…stupid, really." James was looking more uncomfortable than Lily had been since she asked him to be her date.

Lily took the object in question, a sterling silver necklace, no crazy jewels along the edges. Simple. But that was what made it nice. James was looking apprehensive, so Lily took pity. "Thank you," was all she could really say. "Thank you so much."

James shrugged as if it were no big deal, but it was clear to Lily that her reaction made his heart soar. "I'm glad you like it."

"Hey, you two!" Sirius called out from the register, his arm dangling dangerously close to Lindsey's. "Are you going to buy anything or should we go somewhere else?"

Lily looked to James and shrugged. "Maybe we'll meet up with you," James suggested, not taking his eyes off Lily.

Sirius rolled his eyes, but looked pleased nonetheless. Lily opened her mouth to protest, but didn't say anything. Instead, she nodded, and James called out to him again, "I'll just find you on the map."

Sirius and Lindsey walked out then, leaving Lily and James alone. In Honeydukes. It was awkward, at first. All right, well, it was awkward the entire time.

"So, how is Remus?" asked Lily, walking slowly with him around the store, mostly only pretending to look, knowing she couldn't afford anything anyway.

James walked beside her cautiously, a little afraid some sort of argument was waiting to happen. "He's just fine. Why do you ask?"

Lily shrugged, moving one step further away from her companion, seeming, inconspicuously. "It was just he's often quite ill, isn't he?" she asked, raising an eyebrow in his direction.

James sighed. "Yes, he is, but he's all right now."

James didn't like where this conversation was going, and he tried to change the subject. "Do you want something?" he asked, seeing Lily's eyes had been lingering on a shelf of all different kinds of chocolates.

"No," she said immediately.

"Oh, honestly, Lily…it would be like," he paused for a moment, pleased as her lips broke into a completely reluctant smile, "instead of the flowers and things I could have brought you."

What could she do? Say no? It was such a tempting offer. "Very well," she said, pointing to what she really wanted. "However, I must pay you back. Don't say no," she warned. "I will find a way."

James nodded. "You do that. Shall we head to The Three Broomsticks? Nice drink?"

"We do have to pay for this," she said, holding up her bag of candy, suddenly hoping the chocolates didn't have some hidden ability. She'd experienced such things with Honeydukes candy before.

"Right," he replied, taking it from her hands.

After walking out of Honeydukes, James and Lily made their way to The Three Broomsticks, occasionally looking into windows of shops, making notes to stop by certain places later on. Lily was surprised that she was feeling quite at peace.

James, however, was not exactly calm. Every time Lily became quiet, he had the desperate urge to take her hand, tell her more about how he felt, or maybe even kiss her. He wasn't sure what was allowed on this 'date', and he didn't like it at all. He'd gone out on dates before, but each girl had always made it quite clear what she wanted. Lily didn't.

"What made you want to come with me?" he asked, holding the door open for her when they arrived at the quaint pub.

Lily didn't say anything for a moment, finding a table to sit at, hoping James would forget the question. "Are you having a good time with me?" she asked.

"Please," said James. "You're the most amazing person I've ever met. I'd give up anything to spend time with you," he said, looking down, slightly embarrassed. "But you didn't answer me."

"Maybe we should get our drinks," Lily suggested, getting up from their table.

James let her go, sighing. Had he done something wrong? Wasn't everything going well? Lily was just loosening up, and now she was closing up again.

She came back not a minute later, two butterbeers in hand, and she handed one to James.

"Tell me, and I've really put a lot of thought into this question, so don't lie," said Lily, looking solemn.

"Okay?"

"Is your friend a werewolf?" she asked bluntly, waiting for his reaction.

James almost choked on his butterbeer, giving Lily the answer she needed. "Um…which friend?" he asked. _Smart._

"Are their multiple werewolves?" she asked, a small smirk on her lips.

James had to admit that she was, at least, okay with it. "You need to promise me," he began, holding up his index finger, "that you won't tell anyone."

"I promise," said Lily sincerely, no longer grinning. "Poor Remus."

"Yeah, poor Remus," James agreed, taking another sip of his butterbeer. Lily knew she'd successfully diverted his attention for the moment.

"So, how's life, Evans?" he asked, using her surname in a rather affectionate way. "How are things?"

Lily looked for an ulterior motive, but James really looked curious, so she did him the favor of responding. "Well, I'm doing all right. How are you?"

"Amazing," said James. Lily tried to ignore the fact that if it weren't for the date, he wouldn't feel as amazing. Damn, she was feeling guilty now. No more guilt for James Potter. It's not good.

"Good," she replied somewhat feebly. "Umm, James, listen—"

"Hey, Lily, James."

Lily was glad, for the first time yet, that Lindsey snuck up behind them. She turned around to see Sirius and Lindsey looking rather close together, Lindsey beaming.

"You two having a good time?" asked Sirius, eyeing Lily as he grabbed two chairs to connect to their table.

"Surprisingly, yes," said Lily, making it clear she meant no offense to James. "And are you two having fun?"

"I think so," said Lindsey shyly, holding onto Sirius' arm. Lily could clearly see a problem she'd have to work on with Lindsey. She refused to express her own opinions, always afraid other people would disagree.

"We definitely are," said Sirius, taking Lindsey's hand in his, raising his eyebrow in Lily's direction. She shook her head, mouthing the word 'no'.

Sirius mouthed 'yes' easily back to her. "Am I missing something?" asked James, sounding amused.

"N-no," said Lily, trying to force a laugh. She saw James' hand on the table, wishing she could reach out and take it, but knowing it would give him control. _Don't give control._

"So, what have you two been doing without us, dying from missing me, I'm sure?"

"Of course, Padfoot," said James, rolling his eyes. He watched as Lily pushed a strand of hair out of her face subconsciously, and he needed to do _something. _"Lily…"

"Yes?"

Lily Evans was sitting with him. Across from him. At a table. Closer than she'd ever been. Just…enjoying his company. Yet, he couldn't do _anything. _James had never been nervous around a girl in his life, not even Lily, and here he was, on a date with her **finally, **and he was tenser than he'd ever been.

"_Yes_, James?" she repeated, looking at him expectantly.

His entire mind went blank. Was he going to say something? "I…just—you're beautiful," he said. It wasn't exactly what he'd planned, but it was a nice alternative.

Lily cleared her throat. "Um, thank you." She wasn't quite used to getting such blatant compliments

"Just being honest," he said, taking another sip of butterbeer. _Honest. _

Lily glanced over at Sirius, but he was busy talking to Lindsey, making her laugh. _He _could pull off what she was definitely failing at. Making her date feel welcomed.

She let out an exasperated sigh, feeling as though she were losing every honest bone in her Head Girl body. She reached out her hand, entwining her fingers with James'. _What was she playing at, exactly? How far did she intend to use him?_

Use. Lily didn't like that word, and she often complained that her sister used boyfriends for money, and what she was doing wasn't much better!

_No_, she told herself, _this is different._ _I am helping Lindsey. _She wasn't doing this for her own benefit!

But Lily could simply _feel _her date's absolute giddiness that seemed to fill his entire body. Simply putting her hand in his, (which scared her immensely, considering her fear of giving a boy power of her) gave him that smile, that look in his eyes that showed he'd rather be nowhere else but with her, not his friends, family, or even the Quidditch World Cup.

Well, possibly the Quidditch World Cup might be ahead of her. However, she was sure he'd want her to come with him if he ever went.

"This is wrong," Lily muttered to herself, looking up at him.

James looked confused. Sirius, however, looked horrified. "Lily, don't."

"Don't what?" James asked.

"I wasn't going to do anything, you idiot!" she retorted. Sirius had ruined it. What was worse, he ruined it because he assumed she was about to.

"Would someone like to tell me what's going on?" James asked.

Lily and Sirius ignored him. She was sure that she'd completely forgotten he was there. Either that, or stupidity, anger, and regret for what she'd done had washed over her.

"I should have never done this!" she exclaimed, getting out of her chair. Yes, she _had _forgotten James was there.

"Done what?" James and Lindsey both asked at the same time, getting extremely irritated.

"How could you ever ask me to do something so stupid!"

"Oh, so it's all my fault? I was trying to help my friend, Lily, after _you _had almost succeeded in breaking him down to nothing. You're the one who agreed."

"Wait…what?"

But James was ignored yet again. "I should have never listened to a word out of your mouth. I've always hated the thought of betting, deal-making, and most of all trusting people!"

"Oh, well, it's obvious I can't trust you, Evans. You said nothing like this would happen." James had never seen Sirius so angry.

"I said nothing of the sort! Now, you're just making up stories. The only reason I even agreed to go out with James for you was because I knew Lindsey hadn't a chance in hell with you otherwise!" Lily shouted.

The moment she said it, she wanted to take it all back straightaway. She covered her mouth, shocked at herself. She most certainly couldn't think of a worse way to say it. Hurting two people with one stone.

Sirius' anger at Lily seemed to fade as he realized what had been said, and the more important situation at hand. The reaction of the other two.

Both had become silent after Lily started shouting. "Ja—James," she said tentatively, wanting so badly to cry.

James didn't answer her, which made it worse. He was staring at a spot on the ground, breathing slowly. Finally, he stood up, and he faced Lindsey. "You want to walk back together?" he asked her.

She nodded immediately. Neither one looked at Lily and Sirius on their way to the door. "Wait, James!" Lily said again, needing some kind of a reaction.

"I don't know what to say right now," said James. It was evident that he was hurt. That much would have been obvious to Lily even if she hadn't seen his face, but she had never felt so badly for anything in her life.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

James always had a way of bothering her with his constant lively attitude, nothing bringing him down, but Lily wanted to beg and plead down on her knees just to have that back for one moment because, honestly, Lily had never seen anything hurt James. Never. And she had. Badly.

Author's Note: Okay, please review? I really need them :)


	9. Can Never Stay Angry With You

Author's Note: Okay, I'm sorry this took a while, and I'm sorry if it's crap. I've just had a crappy couple of days, and it was hard to make myself write well. I hope it's good! Oh, and another thing, in this chapter, last chapter, the next, next, and so on, anytime someone's thoughts are being shown, they're Lily's. It will probably be made pretty obvious in the context, but I just wanted to let you know.

Lily and Sirius walked to the Common Room together in silence. Every time Sirius opened his mouth, Lily would quickly silence him with something along the lines of, 'Shut it, Black.'

It wasn't until they walked through the portrait hole that the two of them realized how late it was, nearing midnight. Lily was alarmed for a moment before she realized it was Friday. No classes the next morning. No need to patrol on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. Somehow, neither of these two facts comforted her a bit.

No one else was in the room, which wasn't exactly surprising. Lily sat down on the floor underneath the couch. Sirius didn't bother to wonder why; he only took his place next to her silently. They were both at fault. There was no reason for him to be angry, and he hoped she would also see it that way sooner or later.

"Evans," he said cautiously, turning to look her way.

"What?" she asked, trying to keep her eyes focused on inanimate objects around the room.

"We screwed up," he said simply.

Lily rolled her eyes. "You think?"

Sirius wanted a conversation with her, considering he wished to prevent seeing James for as long as he possibly could. "So, how was your day?" he asked. Receiving a glare in reply, he laughed. "Not a good question, eh?"

After a few more minutes of silence, Sirius finally said, "Look, they're both going to be angry with us. The last thing we need to do is fight, Evans."

Lily nodded, but didn't say anything. Again, they sat in an awkward silence, wondering if there was anything they could do to fix things, or if it would be better to simply avoid the situation entirely.

Sirius stood up reluctantly. "I'm going to bed," he said.

Lily smiled sympathetically. "Good luck," she said quietly.

"There's no way he's asleep. No, he's sitting there, staring at the wall, waiting for my sorry ass to show up. Guarantee it," said Sirius, shaking his head at the image.

"Again, good luck," she repeated.

Sirius tapped his hand to his forehead in mock salute, climbing the stairs to his dormitory slowly. Finally having reached the top, he turned the knob quietly, seeing Peter asleep (surprising, really) while James and Remus sat on the end of Remus' bed, talking.

Sirius cleared his throat noisily. "Umm…hello," he said.

Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius, but James had his back to him. "Hello," said Remus. It was clear he wasn't pleased with him.

Sirius walked cautiously walked over to sit on the bed. James ignored him. "Listen," Sirius started. "I'm _really _sorry."

James rolled his eyes, getting off of his friend's bed to lie down on his own. "Whatever," he mumbled, not bothering to change into his pajamas. He pulled the sheets over his head childishly, wanting to ignore the other boy in the room.

"Prongs, damnit!" Sirius pulled the covers off of him, glaring hotly down at him. "Listen to me!"

James seemed unable to continue ignoring him. "Why? It's not like I can trust what you say."

Sirius sighed. "You know you can trust me. It's not like _you _haven't made mistakes, Prongs."

"Sirius, you knew this would upset me!"

"No, I didn't. I wasn't thinking," said Sirius, pacing around James' bed. Remus pretended to be reading his book while he winced at their loud voices.

James stared at him as he walked, struggling to find words. "Then why did you hide it?" he asked. "You know what, I don't care if you knew it would hurt me or not. Why did you _do _it?"

"It's obvious, isn't it? I was trying to help you!" Sirius shouted back. He wondered, if Lily hadn't blown it, how far the plan would have gone.

James raised an eyebrow, looking as if he could not believe this was happening. "Help me?" he asked. Sirius nodded impatiently. "How the hell did you think humiliating me in front of the girl I'm in love with would help me?"

"She was a part of this too!" Sirius did not want to take all the blame for what happened.

"Yeah, I know. That's what makes it worse," said James, pulling the covers back up. "Just let me sleep, you self-centered git."

Sirius didn't argue, seeing no point. James was angry, and he supposed he had a right to be, but couldn't he see Sirius was only doing it to make him happy? He was absolutely not self-centered He walked over to his own bed, which was beside James', ready to sleep after such a tiring day.

On Saturday morning, Lily stayed in bed for as long as she could, hoping, if she didn't go downstairs, her troubles would take care of themselves. At around nine-thirty, she realized this thought wasn't getting her anywhere.

She got out of bed, walking into the bathroom to take a quick shower and dress. When she was done, she walked to her doom.

"I have to talk to Potter," Lily told her roommates. While most of them looked confused, Samantha looked at her with fury. News travels fast in Hogwarts. Lily was glad she didn't have Lindsey in her dormitory as well.

Even though she knew she had to talk to him, she really hoped he wasn't down there. Lily didn't want to face him, knowing that he hadn't been the one to screw up this time. She wasn't sure she was ready to own up to that.

However, there he was, on the couch, reading—was that her book—again. He must have read it twice already. Lily saw several students try to approach James, but walk back again, seeing as he didn't look so welcoming at that moment. He didn't have any of his friends beside him either.

Lily didn't announce her presence beforehand, and she walked quietly up to the couch until she was standing in front of him. Lily knew he saw her; she waited for him to speak.

"Yes?" he asked, slamming the book closed.

"I—I," she started, but shook her head at her idiocy. "I'm so sorry," she said honestly.

James shrugged, opening the book again. "Okay," he said softly, not looking back up at her.

"James," she said, annoyed with his lack of emotion. He should yell at her! Be angry! Or maybe say, 'You're forgiven'. Yeah, that would be a nice touch. Why was he so… "James, say something!"

Lily, bad tempered as she was, did not take well to being ignored. James looked up from the book. "Hello?" Lily eyed him, wanting him to continue. "How was your night?" he asked.

Lily took a chance sitting down next to him on the couch, leaving, as always, a bit of space. "I said I'm really sorry," she said.

James sighed. "And I said 'okay'."

"I know," said Lily, looking down at her knees once she realized some fourth years were looking their way. "I know, but that's not what I want."

"Not what you want," James repeated coolly. "I'm sorry it's not what _you _wanted to hear, Evans."

Evan as he spoke, Lily could tell he wasn't angry. He was trying to be, but he wasn't. "I'm sorry!" Lily said again, hoping to get some sort of a rise out of him.

"Yeah, I know you are," said James, getting up from the couch. "I'm not going to yell at you, Lily, if that's what you're waiting for."

James handed her the book. "I was going to read it again, but…" He walked quickly to the portrait hole, and left the Common Room.

"Well, he was up early."

Lily turned around to see the other three marauders coming down from the staircase. She studied each one carefully. Peter looked confused as though he didn't know which friend to choose. Sirius looked the way Lily felt, and Remus looked relatively disappointed.

"Yeah," said Lily, lying down on the couch that was now her own.

Remus took the chair beside her while Sirius motioned for her to make room for he and Peter. "I'm sorry, Sirius," she said, looking at him with remorse. "I didn't—"

"I'm sorry too…so, care for a game of chess?" he asked, looking around at the other three.

"Padfoot," said Remus warningly. "You know we have to talk about this."

"Why?" Sirius whined. "James _left _without us all. We'll talk later."

Remus ignored his friend. "Has Lindsey come down yet?" he asked Lily curiously.

"Well, I didn't see her," she said, shrugging. "I feel so terrible."

"As we've heard," said Sirius, rolling his eyes. He clearly wasn't taking being called self-centered very well. He took the cards out from his pocket. "Game, Li—"

"Morning, Lily."

Lily closed her eyes, hoping that if she concentrated hard enough, she'd go back in time. "Morning, Samantha," she said carefully.

"What did you do to her?" she demanded, one hand on her hip, her long brown hair flowing down her back as she hadn't put it up yet.

"She did nothing," Sirius said in Lily's defense. "There was just a misunderstanding."

Samantha turned on him instead. "What did _you _do?"

Lily sensed trouble, and didn't want Sirius to start a row with Samantha. It was the last thing they needed. "Sam," she said, ignoring the glare sent her way, "we hurt Lindsey's feelings—I mean, I did—and I'm really sorry it happened."

Samantha sighed. "Well, Lindsey's pretending she's fine, but now she thinks she has even less of a chance with Sirius."

"Where is she?" asked Lily.

"When she came in last night, she said she and James were going to the kitchens this morning…I don't know," she rolled her eyes. "All of a sudden, they're friends."

"Rejection club," Sirius muttered, earning an elbow in the chest from Lily.

"I'm just going to go talk to her, then," said Lily, getting up from the couch. "Come on," she said, looking expectantly at Sirius.

"Why?" he asked, confused.

"I'm sure you know how to get in the kitchens if James does," she said with a bit of a smile.

With that, Sirius and Lily took off to the kitchens, hoping James and Lindsey would still be there. "So, I want you to know, this doesn't mean anything for James and I. He can, I suppose be a decent guy, and I just feel guilty."

"Mhmm," said Sirius, disappointed that she'd never feel what James felt.

"Now…let me get this straight," she said, stopping in front of the entrance, "you…tickle it?"

Sirius laughed at her bemused expression. "Yes," he replied, and showed her how it was done.

When they walked in, Lily saw the two teenagers in question being pampered by the House-Elves, unaware of their presence until one such House-Elf decided to pronounce, "Master Sirius Black!" quite loudly.

_So much for that._

Lindsey and James immediately turned to the door to look at them, shocked. It was clear Lindsey felt as if she were being stalked. James, however, got off his stool, and waited for the two of them to walk over.

"Lindsey," said Lily desperately. "Lindsey, I felt awful last night, hiding and everything, so I said something I didn't mean. It's not as if I felt you didn't have a chance with," she gestured to the boy next to her, "Sirius."

Lindsey looked reluctant to believe her. "I don't have what you have," she muttered, looking down at her feet. "I did think I didn't have a chance. I still _do." _

"Would Master Black like Hamen to bring him something?" the House-Elf asked excitedly.

"Uh, no thanks," said Sirius awkwardly. James was rather surprised. He'd never seen his friend turn down food for anything. The House-Elf, Hamen, hurried away to start on dinner.

"And you do, Lindsey," said Sirius. It was clear he wanted to resist his statement. "I mean, have a chance."

Lindsey smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "Don't just say that."

"I'm serious," he said, taking her hand, "and not just because it's my name."

James rolled his eyes. "That _never_ gets old," he said, motioning for Lily to walk a little further away from the other two.

Lily didn't know if Lindsey had forgiven her, but she seemed to be merciful to Sirius. Over the past few years, she hadn't known Lindsey to be a girl to keep a grudge. She hoped James wasn't either.

"So," James began, running his hand through his hair nervously. Lily didn't know why _he _seemed nervous, but it made her feel more comfortable.

As she'd said to Sirius before, he really wasn't a bad person. Though, Lily didn't consider many to be bad people except, perhaps, those who kill innocent people, and James Potter wasn't one of them. Oh, he wasn't bad. He was a complete moron, despite his intelligence, yes. He was also ridiculous and completely annoying.

Sometimes, he even made Lily want to jump off a cliff after every time he'd asked her out. If she died after that plunge, was it the same as him murdering?

"Just so you know, going out with you didn't physically harm me in any way."

James, caught off guard by what she said, laughed. "Thanks," he said sarcastically.

"Well, I mean…" she tried again, "like, because some things you do, do harm me in some way."

James laughed again, but she wasn't sure if it was real. "Even better."

"I'm not very good at this, am I?" asked Lily, not used to the entire compliment thing.

James smiled, and Lily could tell it wasn't fake. "No, go on. I'm so flattered. I can tell you've had experience."

Lily hit him playfully on the arm, rolling her eyes. She glanced over at the House-Elves scurrying about to finish dinner, as though the school would be eating it in ten minutes as opposed to almost ten hours.

"I'm just trying to say I had a pretty good time yesterday…well, until—you know."

James nodded. "Then, why didn't you just say that?"

"Because, though I had fun, I'm not planning on doing it again. I didn't want to give you the wrong idea," she said, tapping her foot uncomfortably.

James' smile faded. "Yeah, that would be heartless, giving someone the wrong idea." Lily knew he was referring to the night before. "I'm not mad, Evans. I just expected it of Sirius, not of you."

Lily could feel Sirius' eyes on her as he chatted on and off with Lindsey, wanting to know what she and James were talking about.

"I've told you before, I'm not perfect," she said, though at times like these, when she had to admit a fault, she wished she were.

"I never said you were," said James, leaning over to kiss her cheek. She didn't protest, but she wasn't sure how James knew that would be okay. She supposed it was just a un-thought of movement, and she found she didn't mind it. It didn't mean anything.

"I have another reason for you," said James. "I can never, ever, stay angry with you."

"Well," said Lily, staring straight back at him, "I'm quite glad. I hate when people are angry with me. It's usually the other way around."

James chuckled. "Very true. If you did enjoy yourself, which makes me happy by the way," said James, "why are you against going out again? Was there something I should have done better? Do—"

"I'm sorry, James. I'd like to make an agreement, though," said Lily, feeling confident in her plan. No trace of regret, like there had been in her previous agreement.

"To be friends?" he asked, almost bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"Well, civil acquaintances, at least."

"Friends?" James repeated.

Lily rolled her eyes, but smiled nonetheless. "Okay, sure. Friends." She held out her hand, waiting for him to shake. He did so whole-heartedly.

"Padfoot!" he called, though Sirius wasn't that far away. "Lily and I are _frieeeends," _he said, smiling.

Lily laughed. James was such a child sometimes.

Author's Note: Yes, James and Lily are friends now, but that may not be such an easy thing, after all. Hmm…you'll just have to wait and see. Please please review. :)


	10. Easier Said than Done

Author's Note: What I find strange is that some people like the story enough to put it on their alerts, but they can't review? It's completely strange to me, really. Anyway, I can't control readers; I just thought it would be nice to get some more :) For those of you who do review frequently, thank you so much. It means a lot to me.

A week later, Lily and her _friends _were sitting lazily about in the Common Room, Lily on the couch with James, and the others scattered below them. It was hard for her to believe that, after a few years of despising the idea of friendships, she was deciding to become close with the marauders, of all the people to start with!

James and his friends came in a package. You buy one, you get the others free. "We should do something; I'm bored," said Sirius, ripping a piece of parchment into tiny pieces.

James, seeing Lily was comfortable where they were, didn't quite care if Sirius was bored. He wasn't moving from that spot.

James had assumed that if Lily agreed to a friendship of some sort with him, there would be some marking event. For instance, he'd wake up to find his head was where his feet should be, or he'd end up dancing in his sleep. Either good or bad, he'd always thought the life changing experience would be shown in some way.

However, as he sat on the couch, staring at her, (she was conveniently looking down at the other boys) he realized nothing really had. At least, nothing visible to anyone else. Sure, he was happier. Much happier. He got to look at her, and even though she didn't like it, she didn't yell at him.

"What are you guys planning to do today?" she asked, turning back to James.

Nothing planned yet. Breakfast, I suppose," said James, shrugging.

Lily smiled. "Exciting." Silence fell over them again until James asked the question they had all been wondering about.

"What's up with you and Lindsey?"

Sirius pulled himself up from the ground. "I don't know," he said. "Let's go eat."

Lily laughed at the clear attempt at a diversion. "You're not shy about it, are you, Mr. Black?" she asked, smirking.

"I told you not to call me that," he said. "And I asked her to go out with me on a _real _date. No relationship. At least, not yet."

Lily smiled. "Fair. You like her?"

Sirius nodded. "More than I thought I would, yeah," he said, motioning for them to get up. "Now, let's go eat!"

Lily tried to avoid looking at James whenever the subject of Sirius and Lindsey came up. She knew he simply didn't understand. His thoughts probably ran along the lines of, 'If she doesn't hate me, why won't she go out with me now?' Lily had never hated him, of course. She didn't have feelings of hatred for anyone, but she couldn't begin to explain to James why she couldn't, didn't want to, and probably never would date James. Hell, Lily was even against the idea of friendships that required _trust_. She couldn't function in a relationship.

But James couldn't get that through his mind. He didn't say anything, but Lily could tell. She said she'd had fun on their fake date, so she knew he wondered why she wouldn't go out with him for real.

"All right, we're coming," said Lily, rolling her eyes as she stood up.

Lily kept her distance, as usual, as they walked to the Great Hall. Ten in the morning was rather early for the marauders to be up, so Lily was quite impressed that she'd been up with them. Lily sat next to Remus while the other three sat across from them.

"Hmm, this bench is rather empty," said Lily, raising her eyebrows at Sirius. "Why don't we ask Lindsey to sit with us?"

Sirius rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "She'll come if she wants to."

"Sooo, Lily," said James, reaching a bit to put three pancakes on his plate.

"James?" she asked, unsure if he was going to follow up with something else.

"How are you this fine morning?" he asked, his eyes shining brightly.

Sirius had to roll his eyes again at the evident adoration in his friend's demeanor. "You asked me already," said Lily, holding back her laugh. "I'm all right, James, and you?"

"Just wonderful," said James, taking a bite of his pancake, and managing to hit Sirius at the same time. "Don't laugh at _me."_

Lily pulled her book out of her bag, feeling the need to calm herself when surrounded by people in the Great Hall. She took out her newest read, _Salvame, _and concentrated on it. The boys knew not to disturb her when in such a state.

James watched Lily as she read across from him, turning the pages, seeming to take not two seconds to read each page. However, he noticed something he'd never quite paid attention to before. Lily's hand, after she turned each page, shook distinctly, and he wasn't quite sure how he'd never noticed it before. She also looked quite nervous.

James had always seen Lily leave the table before anyone else, and he was constantly telling her to sit, eat some more, and stay with them, but she, at all times, chose to not listen to James, go back to the Common Room, and read her book. It didn't matter the situation.

However, since she'd gotten close with them the previous week, James knew she was determined to not let them see anything was wrong. Therefore, she sat with them even though she was anxious.

"Lily," said James tentatively.

She lowered her book slightly. "Hmm?"

"You want to go back to the Common Room?" he asked.

Lily looked extremely grateful, and if the others were confused, they didn't show it. Remus merely waved good-bye quietly, and turned back his other friends.

James and Lily got up, leaving the Great Hall. Once the door closed behind them, Lily began to feel awkward. "Thanks," she said.

James smiled down at her, as she was quite a bit shorter. "Mind telling me why you're always so desperate to leave?" he asked.

Lily shrugged. "It's complicated, but I don't like being with a lot of people," she said.

James, thankfully, did not press the subject any further, realizing she needed her space. He knew she was thankful he'd given her an easy getaway, and to have her happy was really all he was looking for.

"So…let me ask you, what did you think about Sherise? Innocent? Guilty?"

It took a moment before James realized that Lily was talking about the book she had let him borrow. "Oh," he said, surprised. Lily was never the one to start the conversation. "Innocent, definitely. I was really angry, though," said James, turning to make sure she was listening, "that it ended the way it did. So vague."

"Well, I'm reading the sequel right now," said Lily, holding up her book.

"You weren't going to tell me!" James exclaimed, shaking his head at the girl walking next to him. They arrived back at the Common Room.

"Gillyweed," said Lily to the Fat Lady, chuckling at James' reaction. "You enjoying reading. I'm impressed."

"Well, does she end up innocent or guilty?" James asked desperately as they walked further into the room. They both sat in their usual spots on the couch. "I need to know."

"I'm not going to spoil that for you," said Lily, looking shocked. "Books are practically my whole life. Surely, you didn't think I'd do such a thing."

"I hoped," he replied, running his hand subconsciously through his hair. "Listen, they probably won't be back for a while, stuffing their faces and all, so I ju—"

"Excuse me," said a young blond boy who stood in front of them. Lily guessed he was about thirteen. "I was just wondering if I could possibly get an autograph from you, James."

Lily had to hold her mouth shut with her hand to keep herself from giving an unnecessary comment or shooing the boy away. It wasn't entirely his fault that he was popular, really. The fact that he basked around in it, yes, that was his own fault, but they were friends now. Who was she to tell him to deny an autograph from a Quidditch fan?

James looked at her, grinning with…what looked to be embarrassment, and he took the boy's pen and paper, signed his name quickly, and sent him off.

"Sorry about that," he said, biting his lip.

Lily waved off the apology. "You must be a pretty good player, hmm?"

James shrugged, looking away from her. "You've never been to a game?" he asked, surprised.

"No, I don't really…really like being out there," she said. Her tone of voice reminded James of what he had wanted to say before being interrupted.

"Please tell me what's wrong. I just want to know."

"Nothing," said Lily, shaking her head to prove her point.

"Lily," said James, reaching out to take her hand. It shook a bit when he grabbed it, but she didn't pull away. "You leave meals after a bite or two, and I _know _you eat, so it's not as if I'm worried about that. You seem to avoid any contact with other humans, only reluctantly befriending me, and hating that I like to spend time with you. I just want to know if there's anything I can do."

"You mean change the way I am?" asked Lily. "I just—"

"It wasn't always like that," said James. "At least, I'm pretty sure it wasn't."

Lily seemed to finally decide that James' hand in hers wasn't making her happy because she suddenly took it back, holding it against her chest as if her wrist were broken.

"Just—you trust me, don't you?" asked James.

Lily blinked. "I…I don't know, James," she answered slowly. He was so close, and she suddenly found she didn't like that at all.

_It's fine_. "Lily, I just want to know what's wrong. You look as if I'm asking you to kill yourself."

_It's fine_, she repeated in her head. "Could we please not talk about this?" she asked, moving back a bit. She tried to smile a bit, but she wasn't sure if it was convincing or not.

James sighed, nodding. He dropped the questioning, albeit reluctantly. He moved further away, not understanding why she was so cautious around him. Honestly, what did she think he would do? He'd just asked her if she was all right.

"So, the book," he said, going back to their previous topic.

However, at that moment, the other three marauders decided to stroll into the Common Room, now with Lindsey at Sirius' side. Lily, feeling better now that she and James weren't alone, sent Sirius a knowing look, which he ignored.

"What you two been up to in here?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow suggestively. "Hmm?"

"Talking, Padfoot," said James, rolling his eyes.

They were only talking, and James liked to talk with her. (All right, it wasn't as if he didn't want anything else, but being able to civilly talk with her was nice.) His only wish was that she might possibly open up a bit more, and be able to tell him things, be able to trust him.

Lily assumed her rather defensive position, sitting with her arms crossed and one leg under her, while she rubbed her arm distractedly, the one connected to the hand James had held.

He watched her eyes as she spoke with Lindsey, (forgetting there'd ever been a misunderstanding between them, considering Sirius and Lindsey were closer than they'd ever been) and she looked so happy, so calm with her, as the fearful, slightly angry look she had on before the others came in. She was so defensive when it came to him, and he didn't know why.

She could talk to Lindsey just fine. Why not him? Perhaps it was because of their bad history. Maybe it was just because the friendship was new…or maybe it was because she felt she couldn't trust him.

It was obvious to James that Lily didn't want to be with him. In fact, it was obvious to anyone that went to the school. Perhaps James was intimidating her because she knew how he felt. That's why she was afraid.

He now had five goals to take care of:

Get Sirius to call it official with Lindsey Ellhart.

Get Lily to go to a Quidditch game.

Get Lily to lend him the sequel to that book. (Only because he wanted to talk with her about it. He didn't _want_ to read it. Of course not.)

Get Lily to stop being afraid to be alone with him, and possibly figure out why she is.

**Get over her.**

They were all easier said than done, of course. The one that was mostly trouble-free was probably getting Lily to lend him the book. And getting over Lily…he wasn't sure he could do that.

But they were friends, and in order for them to become better friends, Lily had to believe that James had no ulterior motives, and that he just cared about her as a friend, which wasn't true, of course. Hence, he had to make it true by getting over her. He had to finally move on.

"Lily," said James softly. She turned toward him, breaking contact with Lindsey for the moment, looking at him expectantly. "Your reason for the day...you make it so hard to move on."

Lily clearly didn't know what she meant, but she tried to smile lightly. "Oo--okay, James," she said, going back to her conversation.

Author's Note: All right, chapter done :) Please review. You don't know how much it means to me. Oh, and I must warn you now, there's a sensitive issue coming up, the thing that Lily is dealing with, and I, of course, won't tell you what it is here, but I'm just giving fair warning. I've been planning it since the beginning, but it won't come up for a while. You'll just get little hints.

Aww, James is giving up on Lily. What will we ever do?


	11. Don't

Author's Note: Yay, it's the next chapter. :) This chapter is mostly James' point of view, which is weird because I don't usually do that, but I'm pretty sure chapter twelve will be in Lily's. Of course, Lily will always have her little snippets of thoughts here and there. Enjoy.

James had made a promise to Lily that he would give her a reason for each day of the year, and he wasn't about to break that promise, even if it meant getting over her would be even more difficult than it already was. And, oh, was it!

When James patrolled with her Monday night, it was almost killing him inside to see her, walking beside him, not knowing anything that went on inside his head. Occasionally, she'd move her hair from her back to her side or the other way around, and mostly, they walked in silence.

James could tell she was shocked by this. She would often turn to him, (when she thought he couldn't see) give him a curious glance, and then shake her head, and look back to the front again. It most certainly didn't bother her—his silence—but it confused her. Lily wondered if James happened to be aware of his attitude change. She supposed he was, but that still didn't give her enough information.

"Are you okay?" she asked, sitting down on the bench.

It was their break time. Whenever they were three quarters of the way through their walk, they sat on the bench, and sat for exactly three minutes and twenty seconds. (Lily's watch, of course.)

James raised an eyebrow. "I'm fine," he answered, looking down at his hands as he absentmindedly cracked his knuckles. He looked up to see her looking at him with disbelief in her eyes. "I am, really."

Lily didn't pressure him, thinking it was only fair to leave him be. "Okay," she said softly.

When Lily's watch beeped, James stood up so suddenly that Lily almost fell backwards. "Sorry," he said immediately, helping her catch her balance.

Lily shook her head. "Let's continue," she said, going back to her normal, slightly protective, position, arms crossed, and walking ahead of him.

James didn't bother to keep up, lazily strolling behind, which must have made Lily indignant because, not a second later, she turned around, looking at him sharply. Without her saying a word, James knew he had to stop 'fooling around', as she probably would have called it.

Just because he was getting over her, it didn't mean he couldn't be afraid of her temper. Everyone was, after all.

James' manner didn't please Lily at all. Their rather strange friendship may have existed, but Lily still didn't usually enjoy hearing him drone on and on about whatever he'd done in what Quidditch match, and how if she'd been there, (which she knew was what he hoped for each time) she would have been impressed. However, she hated the silence because it left her to her own thoughts.

Lily knew she was no model. In fact, she rather despised the way she looked sometimes. Like most things in her life, her less than happy attitude on her appearance hadn't appeared until a few years before the current one. Meaning, though not exactly new, it wasn't always that way.

She didn't understand why, as Lindsey had put it two nights ago, she was a boy 'magnet.' If she were a magnet, she really hoped the force of it would wear off soon. She didn't enjoy the attention, and just as she'd said many times before, she didn't _understand _it.

Lily had dark, wavy, red hair that stopped just a few inches after her shoulders. Somehow, there were always pieces falling in front of her eyes, blocking her otherwise perfect vision, and causing her the trouble of pushing the strands away almost every three seconds. If she had to choose one part of her she'd change, Lily would pick her hair immediately, without a single doubt. (Author's Note: Always wanted red hair. Tear)

She supposed she could deal with her eyes. Although, the almond-shaped green ones she'd been born with made the 'magnetism' even stronger, which was not something she was happy about, to say the least. Couldn't she be blessed with normal eyes? Eyes that attracted no one?

She was rather short, not half the size of the other girls she knew, and she felt it made her intimidation factor become less than it could be, you know, if she could look into her victim's eyes when she lost her temper.

That was another thing. Her temper. It wasn't just a simple little background flaw one could overlook, such as a missing tooth, or maybe even uneven shoulders. Lily had the latter. For some reason, no one noticed. But no, the temper wasn't like that. It was something that everyone, everyone, even the teachers knew about her because they'd fallen witness to some of the colorful shouting matches with other students. Mostly she would shout, and the other person would look fearful.

Lily decided to mention this to James, as he was quiet enough to listen while they walked. "There are so many things _not _to like, James."

Lily expected him to raise an eyebrow, look confused, or ask, "What are you talking about?" But he didn't. He shook his head, and said, "I decided I'd give you the reasons I liked you. I never said we had to list the negatives."

Lily was the one to raise her eyebrows. He knew about her awful traits? Well, what was she thinking? Of course he knew! It just didn't seem to Lily that James Potter would admit to her having one imperfect bone in her seventeen year old body.

Lily didn't respond to that because his response was so offhand that she wondered what she'd even expected. "Speaking of reasons, you running out?" she asked. A part of her really wished he had.

"Of course not," said James. "I wasn't going to maul you with it this morning. You looked apprehensive."

This was true. Lily had been stressing about her Herbology exam, insisting, to everyone who would listen, that she was going to fail. As it turned out, she found out only one hour ago that she…most certainly didn't.

"So, I guess I'll tell you now. You weren't born with information on everything about us," said James. He knew already that he'd have to explain. "See, I'm intelligent, and I'm not afraid to say it to you. I get amazing grades without even trying because I just know these things. You, however, came to Hogwarts without an understanding of the Wizarding World, and within weeks, you knew more than I did."

"Because I read," Lily said in her defensive.

"Because you read," James repeated. Apparently, that was a good thing.

"That's your reason? I read?"

James shook his head. "You work hard for what you are. You weren't just born that way. Unlike," he said, winking, "your beauty."

Lily didn't blush, and she didn't say that it wasn't true. There was no use in telling him that because he'd only fight back. She wasn't in the mood for fighting.

As usual, when they arrived back at the Common Room, no one was there, which Lily found to be quite strange, considering every year before, she could barely get the marauders in bed by three. Now, at only twelve-thirty, they were in bed. If they were sleeping, she didn't care to ask, but she enjoyed the company of someone other than James. Alone. She and James. Alone.

"I was umm going to finish some homework down here," said Lily. If she ever left homework to the last minute, which was quite uncharacteristic of her, she would do it in the Common Room, so that she didn't have to worry about waking the others in her dormitory.

"Go ahead," said James. He calmly sat down on the left end of the couch, leaving plenty of room for Lily.

Lily, not wanting to cause a problem, sat down in the space given to her, though not so calmly. It was late, and she wanted to go upstairs. Very badly. Or even better, she wanted James to.

But Lily couldn't make him do anything, so she decided she'd try her best to concentrate on her Charms homework, though she was too tired and uncomfortable with James' proximity to really understand it.

She tapped her quill against her knees, looking up. The moment she did, James turned away, acting as though he'd been staring into the fire the entire time. Lily rolled her eyes. "Do you want me to leave?" James asked, finally.

Lily didn't answer, at first. She didn't want to lie, and say 'no'. Also, if she said no, she'd have to deal with him. Saying yes, however, was about as rude as one could get.

"Kind of," she admitted, struggling with the words.

James didn't look surprised. He stood up from the couch. "Wait," said Lily, pulling him back down. "It's stupid, really, but I don't want to be alone."

"But you don't want to be alone with me either?" he asked.

Lily nodded. James sat back down appreciatively, but he smiled teasingly at her. "That _is_ stupid, Lily Evans."

His smile faded, though, when he realized she was under pressure again, unsure of what she wanted. "I know," she said quietly.

James sighed. He hadn't meant to offend her. "Lily, listen," he said, making sure not to speak again until she looked up from her homework. "I don't mind doing whatever makes you feel better, but I really need to know. What is it?"

Lily shook her head, as if to say there was still nothing. Didn't she hear, from before, that James wasn't stupid? "Lily, please," he said, reaching out to her—literally. She backed even further away.

"Stop," she demanded, feeling her back digging into the couch's armrest. She stared determinedly down at her homework, gripping her quill just a bit too tightly.

James wanted to leave her be, to let her have her secret because it wasn't any of his business, but he couldn't stand not being able to be close to her, to understand her. He was supposed to be her friend, and maybe she wasn't too familiar with this, but you're supposed to let friends 'in', so to speak. And Lily wasn't letting him in _or_ near. He had to do something.

"Lily, when we spoke a couple of days ago, you told me you weren't sure you could trust me," said James. Lily stared down at her homework, and he could tell she was trying her hardest to ignore him, but she could hear what he was saying, and that was all that mattered.

"There may be a lot of negative things about me," said James. "I never know when to stop talking, for one thing, like I'm probably doing now, but _I _can totally be _trusted_."

James waited for her to reply, but she was still pretending she couldn't hear a word he was saying. "And Lily I care about you, I do."

"I know," she said, her eyes becoming blurred by tears, giving her the inability to even pretend to focus on her homework anymore.

James noticed this, and he wanted so much to hold her, and tell her that everything would be all right. Even if things weren't going to be because, for Merlin's sake, she wouldn't tell him what was wrong anyway!

Before he knew what was happening, Lily had moved closer to him, and was flat out crying, cautiously—very cautiously—she leaned into him, and James slowly wrapped his arm around her waist, letting her bury her face into his neck, and just cry. He didn't know what to say, so he didn't say a thing. James just let her cry, occasionally, using his other hand to run his fingers through her hair.

"Shh," said James quietly, wishing he could do more. If only she could understand that if he knew more, more could be fixed. "It's okay, love."

Neither paid too much attention to the term of endearment. They were both a bit distracted, Lily in her own world, and James in his. James' statement only made her cry more, clutching onto the end of his shirt, as thought she wanted nothing more than to break her fingers through the fabric.

"Don't," she said into the collar of his shirt. He wasn't even sure he'd heard her correctly.

"What?" he asked, confused, furrowing his brow.

"Just don't," she whispered.

He could tell she needed a confident reply, so even though he had no idea what she meant, he answered with, "I won't."

After a few moments, Lily's sobs became quieter, only a gentle sniffle here and there. She picked her head up, forcing James to let go of his hold on her as she got out of his arms. She stood up from the couch, picking up her books.

"I'll just do this in the morning," she said, trying to cover up more tears that were threatening to fall. He was sure she wasn't done crying for the night. "The homework, I mean," she added.

James nodded. "I'll see you at breakfast, Lily?"

Lily shrugged. "Maybe."

Sometimes she was there, sometimes she wasn't, and for when she wasn't, James had thought up many lies to tell his friends about her. It wasn't exactly wrong if he only did it to protect her wishes, right?

"You can borrow that book, by the way," said Lily. "I'll give it to you tomorrow."

James tried to smile as he nodded. "Thanks," he said quietly, and watched her head up to her dormitory.

The next morning, James wasn't as pleased as he thought he'd be to have a few minutes alone with just Sirius, Remus, and Peter. He knew they had to talk, alone, about the coming full moon, as well as Lindsey and Lily, and where they stood with the two girls, but he couldn't seem to focus on anything other than what happened the night before.

"Prongs?" said Sirius, snapping. James turned his attention to them immediately, realizing he'd paused with his fork halfway to his lips.

"Sorry," he said. "I was just thinking." James finally ate the eggs that had been waiting for him.

Sirius raised an eyebrow, but went on with what he had been saying. "We're going to have to tell them eventually, if they're somehow involved with us."

"Why?" asked Remus, being difficult. "I didn't tell you guys."

"And look how that turned out," said Sirius. "At least, Lily has to know. Lindsey…"

"What is going on with you two?" asked Peter. James had to admit, they were all curious.

Sirius sighed, and resumed the chewing of his food. "We _talk," _he said the word as though he'd only just realized boys do that with girls. "We talk a lot."

Remus resisted the urge to laugh, smiling happily at his friend. "Oh, yes?"

James tried to ignore the look in Remus' eyes, the ones that clearly showed he felt sick, and he wasn't all there with them. Being a werewolf really took a toll on Remus' life, and that was the only reason James wished he weren't one.

"All right, just tell us," said James, for the first time that morning, feeling chipper, "together or not?"

"I'm not sure!" Sirius exclaimed. "I told her she should start hanging around us more often, and she seems to like the idea. We'll see what happens."

"Oooh," said James. "Hanging with the friends—it's like meeting the parents. Is she ready, Padfoot?"

Sirius rolled his eyes, but laughed nonetheless. "Oh, here comes Lily."

James turned immediately to the redhead walking down the aisle to their table, her arms around her middle self-consciously. Sirius scoffed. "Hmm, and I thought you were getting over her."

James had made the mistake of telling his friends about his plan the evening before, an hour or so before patrolling. When he came back, they were _still _laughing at the bizarre idea, as though they'd never heard anything funnier. Which was so not true, by the way. James had _definitely _said funnier things. For example, he remembered one time when…

Not important.

Lily arrived at the table, sitting down in her seat across from James. She smiled faintly at him, and then immediately looked down. Her book. She had a new book. James couldn't even believe it, really. Almost as if she read his mind, Lily opened her bag, and slid him the book she promised he could read.

"Tell me what you think," she said quietly, immersing herself into her reading.

James nodded. His friends were pretending they weren't eating every word that was said between the two. Sirius was even able to strike up a conversation with Remus while listening. James glanced at him before leaning forward.

"About last night," he said slowly.

"Hmm?" she asked, not taking her eyes off the page.

"…you know," he said. "I wanted to talk about—"

"Yeah, I know," she said, nodding. "I can't believe I had to ask for your help on that homework. Embarrassing, really," she said.

James was frustrated. Was she really going to pretend that it hadn't happened? She hadn't absolutely cried her heart out on him, grasping for dear life, as he told her it would be okay? Was she going to pretend he'd helped her with her Charms homework?

"Not something that needs to be repeated," she said, sending a fake smile Sirius' way. James wondered if that's what they all were. Fake. Sirius didn't seem to fussed anymore, however, after he'd realized they'd only been talking about homework. No snogging had occurred…or, according to Lily, crying.

James understood that she meant _that _part. He wasn't planning on telling anyone! All he wanted was to know what was hurting her in such a way that prevented her from leading a perfectly normal life. Was that too much to ask?

And he hadn't forgotten about the strange way Lily had said 'don't' to him. Don't what? Comfort her? Talk to her? Be friends with her? _Like _her? Well, he didn't know what he wasn't supposed to do, so how could he not do it?

James knew his plan to give up on Lily wasn't exactly working, but he didn't really care. His feelings for her didn't matter anymore, whether there or not, because he needed to help her. He needed to make things better. And, for Merlin's sake, he needed to make sure he never had to watch those painful tears run down her face again. Never.

"Umm…hi, Sirius."

Everyone, even Lily, stopped what they were doing. No girl, no girl ever, approached Sirius, especially not Lindsey Ellhart. She was one of the shyest in the school, and not to mention, fearful of Sirius.

Sirius didn't seem unhappy with her presence, though. He took her hand, and gently pulled her down to sit next to him. Remus and Peter were, to say the least, as shocked as everyone else was, which meant they were distracted. So distracted, in fact, that James was the only one who noticed Lily picking up her bag to go, the shortest time she'd spent in the Great Hall yet.

James watched as she threw her bag over her shoulder, walked past the four animatedly talking, and started to walk back down the aisle, for the sixteenth night in a row, leaving without a bite to eat. Yes, he was worried, and even if some of his other goals had to fall in the process, he was going to figure out what was wrong with Lily Evans, and damnit, he was going to fix it.

Author's Note: Please review :) Also, I like to personally reply to all my reviews, but for the ones who don't sign in or don't have an account or whatever, I'll just say thank you here. :)


	12. It's Okay

**Author's Note: If you haven't read the book **_**Just Listen**_**, I completely recommend it. Just my little word of advice there. Anyway, Lily may seem to be very odd in this chapter, and really, she is. But don't worry; in chapters to come, you'll see a more 'normal' version of Lily. Just don't give up on this because, if you do, I'm sure this is the chapter in which you will lol. If I say so myself, this one gets rather intense.**

Don't comfort? Don't talk to me? Don't feel bad?

James went over everything Lily could have possibly meant the night before, sitting in Potions class. He was starting to run out of probable ones. Don't sleep? Don't eat? Don't talk? Yes, he was sure they weren't right. What had she meant?

Don't worry about me? "Prongs!"

James turned quickly to his friend, Remus, who sat beside him, looking nervously at him. "Were you just going to drop that in?" he asked, pointing at the quill he held in his hands.

James almost blushed, putting the quill down on the table with a smack. "Of course not," he said, shaking his head. "I was just looking for…for…" he looked down at the parchment on which he was supposed to be taking notes.

"Oh, I don't _know!"_ said James, exasperated. "I can't stop thinking about Lily."

Remus sighed, resting a hand on James' arm for a moment, and then taking it away. "I thought," said Remus, taking a look over at Lily, who was calmly concocting the potion she'd been assigned to, (more advanced than anyone else's, of course) seeming as if she had not a care in the world, her partner, Annabel, not doing a thing, "you were going to try to get over her."

As funny as Remus had found that, at first, James knew he was supportive of the idea. "I can't," said James. "I mean, getting another girl? Sure, that's fine, but it's like I see her in everyone, or worse even, I don't. Does that make sense?"

Remus stood up to blow, hoping Slughorn wouldn't become aware of the steam that was definitely not supposed to be coming out the way it was. "No," he said honestly. "But maybe, instead of trying to impress her or get over her, you should try to understand her."

"I have been trying," said James defensively, slumping down in his chair. "She just won't let me in. It's like…" he paused, "when we were trying to figure out what was wrong with you, and you just wouldn't tell us."

Remus knew, at once, James was speaking of his being a werewolf. He nodded, urging James to go on. "If I tell you something, promise you won't let it go back to Lily?" Remus nodded again. "Last night, I had her in hysterics crying, holding onto me and everything."

Remus' eyes widened. He turned again to Lily, who, as always, didn't seem as she'd been crying. James wondered, not for the first time, if she cried like that frequently, and it had just been the first time he'd seen. "Really?" asked Remus. "What happened?"

"I don't have a clue," said James. The two began to ignore the bubbling in their cauldron, certain that if it got bad, Professor Slughorn would come to help them out. Neither was too great in the subject. "She just started crying, and she said 'don't."

"Don't," Remus repeated, not questioningly. "And then?"

"Nothing." James shrugged. "I just held her, and told her I wouldn't."

"Hmm," said Remus. "Professor!" he called out loudly, as their potion was close to erupting. "I think we need some help over here!" They could hear Sirius' laughter from the other side of the room.

Lily walked out of Potions before anyone else, as usual, as she tried to avoid James' gaze. She knew it was there, and that James wouldn't make fun of her, but she couldn't help feeling humiliated for what had happened, and she didn't want to repeat it or talk about it. As far as she was concerned, it didn't happen.

"Hey, Lily." Lily was surprised to James and Sirius without the other two.

"Hi," she said shortly, unable to meet James' eyes. "Where's—"

"Peter helped Remus down to the hospital wing," Sirius interrupted. "He had a bit of a headache."

"Oh," said Lily slowly, glancing down at her feet. "I'm sorry," she said. Mentally, she was tallying the number of times she'd heard the poor boy was sick.

Sirius shrugged, as if it were no big deal. "I've got to go hand this homework into McGonagall." He waved. "See you."

"Homework…"

"From a few days ago," James replied, laughing.

It was even harder for her to be around James, considering what had happened the night before. She wasn't sure she could handle the pressure. '_It's okay,' _he had said. _'Shh, it's okay, love.' _The trouble was, it really wasn't okay, and standing so close to him only made things worse.

"Look, I know you don't want to talk about it, but—"

Lily interrupted. "Don't then, okay?" Her tone was even, though it held power, as though she really couldn't deal with him pushing her much further without breaking down.

James shook his head. "Lily, you can tell me. It's okay."

"Who are _you_ to say that?" asked Lily, her voice sharp.

They stopped walking, dead in the middle of the corridor. It didn't matter that they were on their way to class, or that there were plenty of students behind them that were being blocked.

James, however, thought he should bring this up. "Maybe we should—"

"No!" she exclaimed, glancing at the students behind them. They were no longer worried about being late to class. Evidently, they had rather missed watching the spats between James and Lily, and this one seemed serious. "Tell me, who are you to say what's 'okay'? I, for one, don't find it okay to tell you what's wrong with me."

James looked around, searching for an answer, before finally looking Lily in the eyes. "I meant, it's _okay _to trust me."

Lily visibly flinched. "That's exactly what I mean."

And without further explanation, she started walking again, the traffic buildup following, while James walked somewhere in between the throng of people, wondering what he could do to change the way they connected—or make sure they connected… period.

When James got to Transfiguration, he immediately realized there was a problem: Lily wasn't there. It didn't make sense at all; she'd been just a few steps in front of him the entire time.

Well, he wasn't actually able to see with everyone in front of him, but he'd been sure of it at the time. James sighed, his plan of getting a seat next to Lily ruined. Deflated, but not defeated, he decided to sit near Lindsey. She and Lily were getting rather close, weren't they? Instead of taking the seat right next to her, James sat behind her, assuming, perhaps, Sirius might want to sit there.

"Hey," he said. "Do you know where Lily is?" he asked.

Lindsey turned around, looking as if she'd gotten little sleep. She shrugged. "I was wondering the same thing. Normally, she's the first here."

"Lindsey, I was just wondering, you and Lily are friends now…right?" he asked cautiously.

Lindsey looked troubled, but answered anyway. "Well, sort of," she said softly, glancing at the front desk where Sirius seemed to be begging Professor McGonagall to take his paper. "I mean, she doesn't tell me anything. Like, she'll come in, and be like, 'I'm fine', if I try to ask."

James wasn't sure how he felt about that. For one thing, he was happy that Lindsey didn't seem to be getting anything more from Lily than he was. On the other hand, it meant he couldn't ask Lindsey for information, as he'd planned to.

"She's so closed," he said, wondering if that was the right word for it.

Lindsey nodded earnestly. "My friend Sam, you know her?" James confirmed that he did. "Well, she and I used to tell each other everything. Lately, not so much, but the point is, Lily's so different. I get the feeling no matter how much I tell her she can trust me, she won't open up."

James definitely understood that feeling, as he also had it. "I think something happened to her," said James. He wasn't sure why he was telling Lindsey this, but at that moment, it seemed like the right thing to do. "She just—she never really liked me, but she was never afraid to tell me exactly what was on her mind. I feel like she's scared of something."

Lindsey turned back around as Sirius approached, landing in the chair next to her gracefully. "Hey," he said, speaking to both of them. Lindsey blushed almost immediately. James had to admit that she was like no other girl Sirius 'almost' dated, and he wasn't even sure if they had once kissed! Soooo different.

"Hi," said James, still looking at the door, hoping Lily would come in, but to no avail. If everyone else was there, and she still hadn't come in, she wasn't going to.

"Maybe she got sick," suggested Sirius, reading his eyes. "Speaking of sick," he began, raising an eyebrow, "you won't bail tonight, right?"

"Of course not!" said James, turning back to him. Lindsey didn't ask or seem to really care.

Lily sat on the couch. If the few sixth year students on their breaks noticed Lily should have been in class, they didn't say anything. They knew better than to mess with a temperamental Head Girl.

Lily didn't know how, exactly, she was going to explain missing Transfiguration, but at that moment, she didn't care. She just couldn't face all those people, especially James, in the state she was in. She knew James would send her looks, even possibly notes, asking what was wrong, could he help, and telling her it would be _okay. _

But Lily knew it wouldn't be okay. She'd learned never to believe _that _statement.

_It's okay_. The two simple words repeated over and over again in her mind, so clearly, so—near—that Lily wondered if they really were only in her mind or not.

_No…it's not—I_

_Relax._

She couldn't then, and she couldn't now. Lily got up from the couch, feeling suddenly aware that there were some eyes on her. She couldn't handle this. She couldn't walk away from their eyes. She needed—she fancied a walk. Flinging her bag of books over her shoulder, Lily moved herself closer to the other side of the room.

Lily stood up, closing her eyes as she walked out of the Common Room. There were only ten minutes left in Transfiguration, and she still couldn't believe she wasn't there. She walked, her arms over her chest, before climbing out the portrait hole, knowing that no teacher, if she were seen, would question her.

Because she was Lily Evans. She was Lily Evans, Head Girl, and she did nothing wrong. Ever. As she was walking out of the Common Room, she heard distantly, "She's so _pretty._"

For some reason, that made Lily want to cry more, and she had to force herself to keep walking, pretending she hadn't heard it. She walked with her head down, not feeling confident enough to face anyone she might have to pass.

She didn't want people envying her, talking about her _beauty. _She didn't want to hear her name at all.

Lily took a deep breath, and leaned against the wall. She didn't know what she was doing, but she took herself off the wall again, and walked, taking her a few good minutes, to the bench where she and James always stopped at, and she took one of the books out of her bag, and opened it, ripping the first page in half.

Lily didn't know what made her do it, and what made her continue, but ripping up books was almost… cannibalistic, in her eyes, and it shouldn't have made her feel good!

And it didn't, as she ripped each page, pulling it out of the book, and then tearing the ripped pieces into smaller pieces, throwing them onto the ground. Her newest book. The last one, in fact, in her bag, that she hadn't read, and here she was, tearing it to pieces until she reached the very end.

When she was done, she felt the tears coming down again, but she didn't bother to stop them. She'd just ruined a book, her one and only thing that could never hurt her or let her down. Why had she done that?

"Lily?"

No. No.Fucking.Way. Sirius, Lindsey, Peter, and James were _not _walking by from Transfiguration at that very moment, where she had pages and pieces of paper surrounding her as her face was covered in tears.

"Lily!" said Lindsey, seeing Lily's face when she picked her head up. "Merlin, are you all right?"

Lily shook her head, pushing the binding of the book off her lap. Sirius and James looked shocked at the treatment she'd given her poor book. "No," she said. "I'm not."

She didn't bother to pick up the papers, but stood up with them instead. "I'm _not _crying," she said indignantly.

Though Lily knew they weren't going to be fooled by this, they nodded anyway, understanding that she meant business. "Were you here all this time?" asked Sirius, still in awe. "_I _went to class."

Lily shrugged. "Good for you."

While Lily's usual 'good for you' was sarcastic, this wasn't. And, James realized, her voice had lost its usual edge, and she just seemed weary of it all, as though she were an old woman, watching her grandchildren run around in circles.

Lily started walking with them, and James tentatively reached his hand out to put it on her shoulder. Lily looked up at him as if, for a moment, she would accept it, but then moved out of his reach. "Don't," she demanded.

James put his hand back stiffly at his side. Not for the first time, he said, "I won't." Though, he was sure, this time, it was about something else.

Peter hadn't said a word, but kept his distance from Lily, as he'd seen how quickly she'd inched away from James, and well, he didn't want to meet the same fate as Lily's book.

They walked in silence. Lily wasn't entirely sure where they were headed, but she didn't want to speak, just in case the lump in her throat increased, causing her to burst into tears once again.

After a while of nothing, Peter found he couldn't keep this going on. He cleared his throat. "Well," he began, "I've never seen you cry."

Sirius slapped a hand to his forehead, aggravated. "She _wasn't _crying. Remember?"

"Oh," said Peter. "Well, I know that. I was just giving her compliments. You know, how I've not seen her cry. Ever," he finished awkwardly.

Lily glared in his direction, but James was sure it was only venting. She didn't quite care what he'd said.

"Give me a reason," Lily ordered, out of nowhere. She turned to James. "I need a reason. Now."

James looked sufficiently surprised, coming out with the first one that popped up. "You're brave, braver than any girl—person—" he corrected, "I have seen."

"No," she said, stopping. "No."

"No?" he said, confused.

"Oh, boy," said Sirius. "I'd better go make sure this doesn't hold up traffic," he said, taking Lindsey's hand. "Let's go back there." Peter followed, not wanting to be held up in the awkward position he'd been set in.

"Do _not _ever," said Lily, pushing him further away, "ever," she continued, backing him up against the wall, "call me," she finished with a jab in the stomach, "brave."

"If I'd been as brave as everyone seems to think I am—"

Clearly, others had called her brave.

"—I wouldn't be afraid to stand here with you, would I?" she asked.

James wondered if that question was rhetorical.

Lily, keeping him at the wall, moved back. "Would I?" she asked again.

Apparently, not. "Umm…no?"

"No," she said, "and I suppose I wouldn't have this problem if I'd been brave."

James, despite Lily's pained face, felt a bit of relief spread over him. Was she about to tell him something that was bothering her? Was she actually about to speak with him about the 'thing', as he called it secretly.

"Umm—sure," he replied dumbly. How was he to answer that?

Lily wanted to let James in; she really did, and his calm voice the night before, holding onto her, telling her it was okay made her want to…just a bit more.

No. "No," she said aloud, not sure what she was really talking about. "No," she repeated, laughing to herself. Was she about to go insane? That's certainly what it felt like.

"How about," said James, getting off the wall slowly, so as to not scare her, "we buy you a new copy of that book?" he suggested.

_It's okay. _She heard it again, this time thumping more noisily through her ears, controlling her. _Don't worry. It's just me, Lily._

Had that made it better or worse? It just being 'him'? For some reason, that hadn't made her feel safer. It hadn't made her feel comforted.

Lily smiled, the first positive thing she'd heard all day. "Thanks," she said.

James was the one person, Lily noted, that didn't seem to be turned away by her attitude. He still kept at her, and she had to admit, not only did he have patience, but also _he _was the one with the bravery to still want to be around her after everything.

"So, you cut class," said James, as they started walking again, slowly for Lily's sake. He tutted softly. "Lily, I am very surprised."

That was what she needed. She had to admit that James Potter seemed to always know the right thing to do to make her feel better.

Well, lately, anyway.

Maybe, just maybe Lily would begin to open up to him. Maybe she could.

"But disappointed?"

"Not in the least," said James, laughing. She was glad he was pretending her face wasn't tear-stained. "You're talking to a marauder here."

That didn't mean telling him everything. Maybe just…some things wouldn't hurt. After all, he'd proven he could be trustworthy, right?

_But you trust me, Lily. _

"Yes," she had answered.

_So, it's okay. It's okay, Lily._

But no one could tell her what was and what wasn't all right. Lily reminded herself that she was in control. She decided, from now on, what was okay, and what wasn't.

_Trust me._

And Lily had.

She couldn't make that mistake again. As much as she wanted to give James her complete faith, she couldn't. It would only make things so much worse.

Author's Note: Well? Review? Please. I need to know what you thought. The little snippets off thoughts will come together, most likely, in the next chapter. I tried sooo hard to get this up before one a.m. that my back is _killing me_. Lol. So, I hope you are happy and reward me with comments. And I hope, if you haven't guessed yet, this chapter has given you, at least, a direction. Buh-bye now.


	13. With my Life

Author's Note: I'm sorry it's taken me forever to write this. I've had a pretty stressful week. I don't know if I'll be updating again for a while (meaning, about a week) because of school starting Thursday. I have a lot to do. Enjoy. Oh, and the flashbacks in this chapter are not in order. For example, the first one actually comes after the second. I'll see if you understand :)

: **Oh, don't worry about her. She is always  
**_**upset**_**. She is always ****in love with some-  
one who doesn't love her back.**** She is  
always heart broken. But she is **_**fine.  
**_**By now, she's ****used to it.**

_Lily walked past her sister's room, her pajama pants falling down gently, and her t-shirt not exactly fitting her form. They were too big, as almost every article of clothing she owned was becoming. Her father suggested they buy her new clothes. Her mother simply suggested a new diet. Eating…more than half an apple a day, to be precise. _

_She heard Petunia and her friend talking, a short blonde, chatty girl—Lily believed her name was Melanie—as she passed by. "And lately, it's 'maybe Lily wants to rest. Maybe Lily wants some dessert.' I mean, why is she getting all this?"_

_Melanie replied, sounding sympathetic toward Petunia, with, "I don't know. Maybe she told them because she's looking for attention."_

"_She's so spoiled. She probably made up the story because she was jealous that so much attention is being focused on my engagement," said Petunia bitterly. _

_Lily couldn't even muster the strength to roll her eyes at the pair before slamming her door. "Jealous. Right."_

_She walked over to her dresser, opening the first drawer, which held all of her jeans. She, one by one, threw each pair against the wall. "So.Damn.Jealous." She paused, before picking up the last pair. "Right. Of course."_

Lily sighed, throwing herself down on her bed. It felt bad now, almost wrong, even if she were only going to sleep.

She could hear them through the walls, her sister and Melanie, talking about her, laughing about her, gossiping, hurting her. She didn't do anything wrong; she didn't lie; she didn't make up a story; most importantly, she hadn't asked for it to happen…had she?

Lily couldn't do it. Sleep was not an option. She got out of bed, and carefully walked in the dark to the other side of the room, flinging the door open. She walked out of the room, and leaned over the banister of their staircase, ready to run downstairs, and sprawl out on the kitchen floor. Don't knock it until you've tried it, in her state.

Instead, though, she heard her mother on the phone. Who was she talking to after eleven-thirty at night?

"She won't even let me near her," she heard her mother say, her voice tearful. "I want to make everything better."

"It's my fault," she was saying. Lily was sure she was talking to a relative. Wonderful. The whole family just had to know. "It's my fault. I should have been here."

'It's not your fault, mum,' Lily said to herself.

Lily twirled the letter her mother sent her in her hands, unsure about whether or not she really wanted to open it. Did she want to hear from her mother? Finally, throwing caution to the wind, she slowly tore the envelope.

Lily,

I hope you're all right, and that school is going well for you. We miss you.

Mum.

Lily looked at the letter incredulously, reading the sentence over and over, positive that there had to be an addition to this somewhere. It was obvious what was going on: Her mother was avoiding her because of her guilt.

She rolled her eyes at how clear her mother made this. Lily pushed the potatoes around her plate a bit before cautiously glancing at James who sat, as always, across from her. James eyed her curiously, as if he were the only one who could make sure she ate. To please him, or to possibly get him to turn away, she had a bite.

"Happy?" she asked, annoyed.

James didn't say anything, glancing toward the letter. He raised an eyebrow as Lily's grip became more forceful. "It's from my mum."

James nodded, still looking a bit skeptical. "James," she said warningly, "I'm not anorexic." She was sure James had the idea that there was an eating disorder in her future.

He nodded again. "I know," he said, though he watched her carefully still, making sure she ate, at least, three bites before he turned to look at someone else.

Since catching Lily crying in the hallway, the boys and Lindsey had been a bit nervous about approaching her. So far, they hadn't said a word to her (excluding James), and Lily hadn't been too eager to say anything either.

After a few minutes of what felt like the utmost torture, Lily stood up from the table, immediately followed by James. "For heaven's sake, James, stay."

James, obviously having sensed the reaction, shook his head as soon as she began to speak. "You leave, I leave."

James wasn't sure if that would make her stay or make her angry, but he was quite used to the latter. He knew he could deal with an angry Lily Evans.

Lily looked at the other staring faces. Sirius and Lindsey immediately turned to each other, pretending they'd been talking the entire time, avoiding Lily's glare. "Fine," she said angrily, throwing her fork onto her plate. "Don't eat; follow me, whatever. I don't care."

James, though his stomach strongly disagreed, got up with her, glanced apologetically at his friends, and followed her out.

Lily crossed her arms, avoiding James' eyes, as they walked, the doors slamming behind them. "Why did you do that?" she asked irritably after they'd gotten far away enough to not be overheard.

James was rather tired of Lily's attitude. "Oh," he said sarcastically, "I'm so sorry I walked out with you."

Lily tightened the letter in her hand. "You embarrassed me. I hate them watching as I walk out."

James rolled his eyes. "I hate to tell you that they were watching anyway," he said. "Why do you care? They're just concerned about you, Lily."

"Stop it," she demanded, still not daring to meet his eyes. "Stop being concerned." The letter crumpled even more inside her dangerously strong hold.

James took his chance. "Can I read it?" he asked hopefully.

Lily shrugged. "Whatever." She dropped the letter, and kept walking.

James picked up the letter from the ground, smoothing it out with his fingers. He raised an eyebrow. That was it? That was what made her so upset? James had thought that, perhaps, the letter would give some clue as to what was wrong…but nothing.

"Lily," he said softly. She went on, as if she hadn't heard him. "Lily," he repeated, quickening his pace to catch up with her. He stepped in front of her, putting the letter back into her hand.

Lily didn't even try to walk around him. She waited until he said what he had to, a bored expression on her face. "What?" she asked.

James sighed. "When you said you'd be friends with me, it made me so happy, Lily, really," he said, taking her hand in his. She didn't take it away, though she didn't look pleased. "But this…isn't what I had in mind. You're not even tolerating me."

"What?" she asked, her eyes widening. "I am tolerating you!"

"You won't even trust me," said James.

Lily decided not to answer until they were closer to the Common Room, once again, crossing her arms protectively. "Maybe that's not so easy for me, James," she said.

James sighed. "What I mean is, friendships, of any kind, are built on trust."

"I don't have to tell you everything," she said, disagreeing.

"Let me help you," said James desperately. He still didn't move from his place in front of her, blocking any escape she might have.

"I'll tell you what," said Lily, composing a deal, "we can have a real, friendly conversation—not promising any details of my issues—tonight when we patrol. Right now, we could be overheard."

James bit his lip, but moved to let her start walking again. "Uh, how angry would you be if I told you I couldn't patrol tonight?" he asked tentatively.

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Very, unless you had a good excuse."

James was pleased they'd finally arrived at the Common Room, giving the password, and stalling for time. He should have waited to tell her, until he had a lie prepared. He was usually so good at that, figuring something out on the spot, knowing he couldn't possibly give away Remus' secret.

But with Lily, things were different. She made him nervous, made him quiver, pause, and rethink things. He knew he'd been quiet too long, and Lily looked suspicious.

"You're going to lie to me, aren't you?"

They stopped, just before reaching the couch, and neither one dared to sit down. James tried to read her face, the emotions that were etched into it, but he couldn't. He wasn't sure if she looked angry, and if she were, it was certainly not the kind of anger he was used to.

She looked disappointed, as if James' lie would ruin her day, as well as her view of him. James supposed telling her he wouldn't lie would—well—be a lie. "Yes," he said truthfully.

"I see," she said calmly, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "And you're telling me to trust you."

James could see her point, and he suddenly realized the rift was partly caused by him. But there wasn't anything he could do about that! It was Remus' problem; he couldn't unleash it.

James smiled guiltily. "I won't lie. I just won't say anything."

Lily nodded. "Glad to see you're giving me the same leeway."

Lily still didn't look angry as she sat down on the couch, leaving, of course, that space before James sat beside her.

"You're right," said James. "You are."

"Good for me," said Lily sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "James, you're coming patrolling with me tonight, or there will be consequences. And if you don't want to tell me why you don't want to, that's your business. Just get off my back about my own problems."

"I do want to!" he exclaimed, deciding to ignore everything else she said. "I just…can't."

Lily looked at him skeptically. "You will."

James couldn't back out on his priorities. Remus needed him, and he promised he'd be there. On the other hand, seventh year was his year. James told himself he'd get Lily to fall for him by the end of it. And was she? Not even close. He couldn't ruin it while he was so close.

But James was sure, if he told her the truth, she'd let him skip out on patrols, and develop trust for him. It was win-win, really. Then again…he couldn't spoil a secret that haunted Remus' every day. It was so important to his friend that no one knew. He also wouldn't doubt that Lily might try to get them locked up for their illegal activity.

At that moment, the others decided to show up, walking quietly into the Common Room. James had never seen his friends so vigilant before. "Hey, Lily," said Sirius, the first to speak. "How's it going?"

Lily shrugged, turning back to James. "You didn't reply, so I assume that means you're coming?"

James turned to Remus, his eyes looking for some sort of plan, but Remus gave him nothing. James sighed. "Yeah, I guess I am."

Lily nodded curtly. "I'll be up in my room," she said.

"Lily, wait."

It wasn't James that spoke this time, but Remus. Lily turned around, surprised. "Yes?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Lily, I think we need to have a talk…up in our," he gestured to Sirius, Peter, and James, "dormitory."

Considering the amount of people in the room, James thought that was only too appropriate. "That includes you," said Remus, pointing to Lindsey. "Whatever you are to Sirius, you're going to be around."

Lindsey smiled shyly, letting Sirius wrap an arm around her waist. "To the dorm!" he said, leading Lindsey and the others.

Lily looked at James, very confused, hoping he'd give her some sort of an answer. He laughed. "Come on," he said, giving her space as they walked together, following their friends up the stairs.

Remus closed, locked, and relocked the door before declaring it safe to talk, and they all took a seat on a bed, Lily and Lindsey sharing Remus' while he stood before them, nervously twisting his hands.

"What's this about?" asked Lindsey, stretching out by Lily. "Is everything okay?"

Remus tried to smile convincingly at her, but it was obvious to all of them that he was far from all right. "It's about why James can't go patrolling tonight."

Lily motioned for Remus to come sit with them, but he shook his head, preferring to pace, instead, as he thought of how to come clean. "Well, I suppose I should start with the beginning…"

He paused for a long time, leaving the room in silence. Finally, James said softly, "Take you time," knowing it was hard for his friend.

Remus smiled at him uneasily. He then turned back to the girls. "I'm—I'm a werewolf."

Lily's eyes widened as she turned from Remus to the other boys, waiting for someone to tell her it was a joke. She stared sympathetically at him, still quite shocked, and walked over to where he was.

"I'm so sorry, Remus," she said truthfully. There wasn't much else she could say. Though she had known, since the date, that Remus was a werewolf, it hurt so much to hear him say it aloud. And, truthfully, she'd forgotten.

She precariously reached out to hug him, which he accepted gratefully, and let go almost immediately, going back to sit where she was. Lindsey didn't get up, but she nodded at him. "Don't worry," she said, meaning that she was okay with it.

Lily looked over at James, who sat on the bed next to her, and she thought that, perhaps, if he'd go to all that trouble just to make sure people didn't find out his friend's secret, she could trust him with her own. Perhaps.

Lily must have been pretty confusing to him, though. Getting up to hug Remus willingly, but not allowing James to come within a certain number of inches must have seemed ridiculous in his eyes.

There was something about James that was threatening, though. For some reason, the thought of his crush on her made it all the more difficult to let him come closer. She glanced at him shortly, and sure enough, he was staring back at her.

"James can't come patrolling?" she asked, speaking to Remus, but she didn't take her eyes off James. She wanted him to look away first.

When James looked back at Remus, Lily did as well. "Well—that's sort of the next part of what we have to tell you," Sirius answered, sounding, for the first time, slightly nervous. "But you have to promise not to tell a soul."

"Not one," James added.

"We promise," said Lindsey, "right?"

Lily nodded. "Of course."

James stood up from the bed, walking in front of the two of them. He wanted to be the one to tell Lily the secret they'd been hiding for years. "We go with him on nights of the full moon. We're Animagi."

Lily wanted to laugh. Four teenage boys—incredibly stupid teenage boys—managed to become Animagi? It was preposterous. Impossible.

Well, they weren't exactly stupid, she realized. James and Sirius were, in fact, two of the best in the year in Transfiguration, and Remus was intelligent, by all means…but could she really believe they had managed to learn how to transfigure themselves into animals?

"No," she said, shaking her head. "I don't believe you."

"Figured you'd say that," said Sirius. He fell silent, concentrated for a moment, and before Lily knew it, there was a shaggy black dog in front of her, where he once stood. In a flash, he turned back into himself. "Can't risk staying like that too long. You never know who's going to come knocking."

Lindsey laughed, and she seemed to take the situation in as if it were a normal occurrence, but Lily was still stunned. "And you two?" she asked, pointing to James and Peter.

"He's a rat," said James, trying not to laugh as the words came out, "and I'm a stag."

When Lily finally found her voice again, she said quietly, "It's illegal—you're unregistered."

Sirius laughed, as Lily looked mortified. "That's exactly why we don't want it getting around."

"But—how—why?"

"Werewolves don't affect animals the way they do humans. As for how…well," said Sirius, "we're just pretty damn smart, I guess."

Lily rolled her eyes at his deliberate attempt to annoy her. It worked. "I can't believe you guys," she said, but a trace of a smile made its way onto her face, "but that does show quite a bit of talent.

"Just so you know, though," she continued, "I'm not saying I approve of you going out there with him."

"But you'll let me!" James exclaimed, excited.

Lily laughed. "I suppose I have to. And, James," she said, "if anyone does find out about this, I, as Head Girl, told you not to go."

James smiled. He liked how comfortable she seemed.

"Why are you being like this?" Elizabeth Evans asked sharply, turning her daughter around to face her. "Lily, that was extremely rude."

Lily didn't care. She stared back at her mother, barely blinking an eye. "I want him to leave."

"You will go out there, and you will start acting like the daughter I raised you to be, the girl I know you are."

Lily sighed, letting her mother walk away. "At least you were," she heard her add.

She could have told her mother everything right there, everything that had happened, what was wrong, and how she couldn't stand to be in the same room with that horrible, disgusting, excuse for a man. But she didn't. She simply walked back into the dining room.

When it was time for the boys to head down to the Whomping Willow, Lily asked to have a quick word with James first. The others were all too pleased to let her have what she wanted.

Lily pointed to the couch, and the two of them sat together silently, while Lily got her words together. "I know it doesn't seem like it," she said, "but I really like the way you treat your friends."

"What?" he asked. What did she mean by that?

Lily sighed. Talking to James nicely didn't come so easy for her. "I mean, doing all of that for Remus shows a lot of caring, on your part."

James looked positively gleeful. "Yeah?"

Lily nodded. "Yes, and I like that."

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry I had to keep it from you," said James. "Lily, I want you to want to trust me. I don't want to force you." Lily could tell he was struggling with what he wanted to say. "I just want you to know that I would never do anything to hurt you. Well, purposely, anyway."

"I know," said Lily. "I just need you to understand that, while it may be the easiest thing in the world for you to trust your friends with your life, I'm not used to doing that. I need time, and I'll need space."

"I'll try to give it to you," James assured her.

"And I'll try to not jump half a mile when you touch my shoulder," said Lily, laughing slightly.

"And just so you know, Lily, if you were a werewolf," he said, checking to make sure no one was looking before he threw on his invisibility cloak, "I'd do the same for you."

Lily didn't look too surprised when she couldn't seem him. She was tired of being shocked, and with the marauders, she was getting used to it.

"Good to know," said Lily. For some odd reason, it really was.

Author's Note: I apologize for this taking so long (okay, so it was like five days; I think you survived), and then not being the most amazing thing ever written:( but it was relatively long, right? I mean, it wasn't entirely too short…? I don't know. Please review!


	14. Author's Note

I'm sorry this isn't a really chapter. I just don't know what the hell happened! In the 13th chapter, everything in flashback was all typed in italics, but fanfiction…for some reason, didn't show it that way. I'm sorry. So, you were all quite confused.


	15. The World

Author's Note: Sorry, school has been hectic, even the first few days. Getting up at like 4:45, not being able to sleep until like 11:30 coupled with homework and needy relatives over this weekend, the only time I was alone, I was too exhausted to write. So, please enjoy, and I'll try my hardest to write as much as I can in as little time as possible. Oh, and someone asked in a review for last chapter about there not being a reason. Last chapter's 'day' was a continuation of the day before, if you recall, and he only does one a day.

"So, I ask anything, and you have to answer honestly," said Lily.

Lily had played the game before, with others, just to pass the time or to get to know them, but with James, she liked to hear his answers. They were usually quite outrageous, but truthful. And even if they were just silly questions, it was nice to feel as if she could trust him, somewhat anyway.

"I know," said James.

The two of them were sitting at the breakfast table, Lily relaxing herself from the many people by simply focusing on the game they were playing, and James seemed to want something to do to help him from falling asleep. She thought about how tired he must have been after the previous night.

"Favorite colors?" she asked curiously.

James rolled his eyes at the unimportant question. After swallowing his bite of a chocolate muffin, he answered. "Blue."

(Author's Note: Green because of Lily's eyes? Beyond cliché.)

"Yours?" he asked.

"Red," she replied, suddenly in the mood to eat. "Is that good?" She pointed to the half-eaten muffin in his hand.

James looked so excited at the thought of Lily eating more than three bites of toast. "Have it!" he said eagerly, handing it to her.

Lily didn't bother to remind him that she could have grabbed one from the basket herself, not wanting to erase the happy look on his face that he had from being able to help. "So," she said, smirking, "how many girls have you kissed?"

James had barely gotten his pumpkin juice halfway to his mouth when he lowered it. "Wh—what?" he asked, blinking.

"You heard me."

James shrugged. "I—I don't know."

"I don't know as in, so many you can't keep count, or you just don't want to tell me?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

Sirius, bringing Lindsey along with him, sat down beside his friend. "Whatcha' talking about?" he asked curiously. Obviously, he needed to butt into their conversation, as it didn't look like he had Remus or Peter with him.

"How many girls has James laid lips on?" she asked, ignoring James' look of pure humiliation.

Sirius let out a laugh. "Prongs? Not _one."_

Lily turned back to James. "Here I was, thinking you were Mr. Popular all of these years," she said teasingly.

Lily couldn't help laughing at James' red face. "All right, all right," she said, rolling her eyes. "I've tortured you enough. Give me a reason."

Lily didn't know why she began to enjoy hearing his reasons. She didn't want or need to hear why James was interested in her, but for some reason, it had become a part of her daily routine, something she was just used to. And, while hearing good things about herself usually made her scoff and feel uncomfortable, the reasons were only making her feel good about who she was, especially since he pointed out more than the obvious.

"You're unique."

"Now, wait a second," said Lily, holding up a finger. "That could mean you're calling me strange."

"Maybe," said James with a smile. "Any way you want to take it, love."

Lily walked to class with Lindsey, instead of all the marauders. When Lily asked why they had let them alone, Lindsey tried to look nonchalant, but as she wasn't as good as Lily when hiding emotions, she failed. "I told Sirius that we just needed to catch up," she said.

Lily pretended to believe her. There were only a few more turns and corridors before they arrived outside for their Care of Magical Creatures lesson. "So," said Lindsey, clicking her top teeth against the bottom apprehensively. "How are you?" she asked.

Lily silently prayed they'd make it out soon. After a few minutes, Lindsey shouted out, "Fine," seemingly out of nowhere. "I give! James asked me to try to figure out what's wrong with you."

Lily sighed. She knew something had to have been up for the marauders to let Lily out of their sight. "Listen," said Lily, "I am telling you this one more time. I.am.fine."

Lindsey shook her head, this time, not willing to let Lily have her way again. "Tell me what is going on, please. We all just want to help you."

Lily didn't know what to say to that. Couldn't they see she was fine? "James only told me because he's worried," said Lindsey timidly. She, unlike the marauders, were rather afraid of Lily's temper

"Worried about what?" asked Lily, her voice rising. "What you should be worried about is my losing the trust you all fought to get."

Lily expected Lindsey to back down, but she looked ready and willing to keep it going. "You just want an excuse to be angry," said Lindsey softly.

Lily rolled her eyes, trying to ignore the fact that there may have been some truth in that statement. "Whatever, Lindsey," she said, pushing the doors open.

"Wait, Lily," she said, grabbing her hand. "Forget about all that…if you really want to. It's just that, after all you helped me with, I really wanted to give back to you."

Lily stared back at her, furrowing her brow. All she helped Lindsey with? That hadn't been much. After all, the only thing she'd really tried to help Lindsey with was the date with Sirius, and as Lily recalled, that had been just a bit less than perfect.

"But I want to ask your advice with one more thing," said Lindsey, as they neared the spot where Professor Kettleburn usually held class. Only a few students seemed to be waiting there with the teacher.

She was giving 'back' because she needed help. Lily would be more than happy to help, considering she wanted to ignore her own problems. "What is it?" she asked.

Lindsey struggled for a moment, as if checking to see if she was sure telling Lily would be a good idea. "Well, it's about my cousin. Harry, you know him?"

"I've seen him in classes," said Lily, "but that's pretty much it. We're not good friends."

"Well, he and—" She stopped. "Hey, boys."

Sure enough, when Lily turned her head, James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were heading their way. James smiled brightly. "Hey, beautiful."

Lily rolled her eyes. "What were you going to—"

"Never mind," said Lindsey, shaking her head. She let Sirius take her hand absently. "It was nothing."

Lily looked unsure for a moment, but let it go, rounding instead on James. "You know," she began, once the others were far enough ahead of them, and talking too loudly to hear, "I don't appreciate spies being sent out to try to find information on me."

James didn't pretend he had no idea what she was talking about or change the subject. Quickly, he said, "I mostly wanted to see if you were doing better."

"I am," Lily assured him. James didn't say anything, but Lily could tell he wasn't entirely convinced. "Fine. I'll prove it."

"You—you don't have to, really." Lily could tell he was already feeling guilty.

The truth was, she _was_ improving. Lily had actually eaten an entire—well, half of an entire—muffin in the morning with him as witness. And, she had also stayed with him for almost forty minutes before running out of the Great Hall. She was quite proud of herself, and had though James was becoming confident about her progress. Evidently, not.

"Put your arm around me," she demanded. They had just gotten to their Care of Magical Creatures spot, just a little way away from Hagrid's hut. Lily was pleased to see that, still, not everyone had arrived yet

"What?" James asked, completely startled. "I'm sorry. I should learn to believe you when you say you're okay…and that you trust me. You don't have to—"

"Now."

"Lily, you don't have to prove anything."

"I do, to you, and myself," she said, snapping her fingers together. "What don't you understand about now?"

James, no longer interested in denying her, bearing in mind he hadn't even wanted to reject it in the first place. "Okay," he said cautiously, reaching out in arm, as if he were afraid Lily would suddenly change her mind. Finally, he wrapped his arm around her petite waist, pulling her closer to him. Lily wasn't a woman one defied. Ever.

Lily tensed up, at first. James could feel it, hearing her intake of breath. She closed her eyes, taking in the situation. _It's okay, Lily. _

"It's okay," she said aloud. James didn't question her, which made her think he hadn't heard. She wasn't sure if it actually was okay, but saying it made her feel a lot better.

Sirius looked over at them, his eyes widening at the display. Lily laughed. "Wonder what he thinks."

"Yeah," said James softly, trying not to concentrate on the feeling of Lily being so close to him that they were practically connected.

Neither one of them seemed to be enjoying the feeling, even though, under any other circumstance, James would have died for such a happening. "Uh, Lily," he said tentatively. He'd never heard his voice come out so childishly before.

"Hmm?" she said, looking up at him with her beautiful eyes full of pain. He felt as if, just by doing as she asked, he was taking advantage of her.

"I—uh—finished the sequel," he said.

Which was true, of course, but it hadn't exactly been what he planned on saying. "Oh, yes?" she said. "Did you like it?"

James was having trouble functioning. He was _so _close, and the way they were positioned meant that Lily's face was just a few inches away from hers, as were her lips. "I—yes," he said. He couldn't say much more.

James realized his goals were being neglected just a bit, and much as he tried to get over her, he didn't know if it was ever going to work. One of his goals had been to get the sequel, however, and that seemed good enough for the moment, especially since he didn't think he could ever let her go.

Not physically or emotionally.

"Ms. Evans," said Professor Kettleburn, pointing to the creature beside him.

Lily jumped at being addressed, causing her to break away from James' gaze and hold. She blinked. "Umm—what?" she asked, blushing as everyone looked at her. That certainly wasn't normal of Lily Evans to behave in such a way.

"Read this," said Remus, pushing his copy of the Daily Prophet into Sirius' hands.

"Moony," said Sirius, lounging out on the comfortable floor of the Common Room, "must you ruin our relaxing time with bad news?"

"Read it," he insisted.

Sirius rolled his eyes, but after reading the headline, his mouth dropped open wide. "Is she _serious?!" _

"What?" asked Lily curiously, getting off the chair. There had been an unspoken agreement that letting the chair become 'Lily's spot' made the most sense. That way, she wouldn't have to sit so close to any of them, and have to feel uncomfortable.

"My cousin," Sirius informed him, handing the paper back to Remus, "ran away, and got married, but it wasn't recent.

"And all of a sudden, my mother is talking about it in the paper," he said. "You know, as though, it's the greatest thing in the world, even though she hates it. I _hate _her."

"I can see her next interview," said James. "'Your son is a Death Eater. Do you just love it?!"

Sirius didn't laugh. "See, the thing is," he said, "she wouldn't even admit that he is…or that she is. If you're so happy about being a Death Eater, the least you could do is be proud of it. Not that _I _ever would be. It's just they pretend it's so great, and then lie about it."

"What I don't understand is why she's talking about this years after it happened," said James.

"And why is that on the front page when there is _this _on the second?" Remus said, appalled, laying the paper flat on the ground so all could see.

A few younger students crowded around them as they realized something was going on. "More deaths…" said Lindsey softly. "Maybe the Daily Prophet's covering it up," she suggested.

"Or maybe my mother's decided to get in charge of the paper," said Sirius, his sense of humor coming back to him.

"Be serious," said Lily, picking the newspaper up from the ground, "and don't make a joke."

"What happened?" he asked gravely, seeing Lily's concerned face.

"Ten people killed," she said. "Ten in one night."

One of the younger blondes who had walked over to see the commotion said, "That's horrible."

Lily nodded. "My sentiments exactly."

"Is it anyone we know?" James asked curiously, though there really wasn't a good chance of that. He was sure they would have heard earlier.

"Doesn't look like it," said Remus.

Lindsey looked ready to cry. "But there will be," she said. "This isn't the last of it."

Lily, for the second time that day, tried to ignore what Lily said. She knew she was right, but it was so much easier to think that, perhaps, this was the end of it. The killings were just a silly little game, and—and it was over.

"Was it all done by, you know, him?" she asked.

"And some followers…" said Remus quietly. "There's definitely a pattern."

"Meaning?"

Remus hesitated, as if he really preferred not to be the one to answer. "Muggleborns," he said softly. "One was even just a child of a muggleborn"

They fell silent, unwilling to discuss it any further. "I hate them so much," said Sirius after a while.

"I know," James replied. They all knew he was talking about his family and Voldemort as if they were one. "But don't apologize."

James knew that, since year one, Sirius had a tendency for saying that he was sorry for everything his family did, and taking responsibility for it. He always did, even after James had told him none of it was ever his fault.

Sirius shrugged, as though he didn't have the energy to apologize anyway.

"He's gaining a lot of power," Remus explained. "The article recommends caution, which is true, and the worst part is…they're not exactly caring about ages, are they? This one boy was only nine. I mean, at this point, it's hard to know who you can trust, when there are even kids following his orders."

James shook his head. "It's insane."

"I agree," said Lily. "So…" said Lily, fishing for a subject change. "Well, Care of Magical Creatures was pretty interesting this morning, wasn't it?" she asked.

It didn't seem to work. Peter raised an eyebrow at her, as though she were crazy. Why on earth would she be talking about class at a time like this? "Oh," he said, "yes, it was." He assumed that was what she wanted.

No one said anything, knowing that Lily meant she wanted a topic change. Sirius looked at her for a moment, their eyes meeting in a significant way. "We'd never let anyone hurt you," he said.

Lily had never heard Sirius speak in such a way before, so caring and solemn. It made her smile slightly. And, even though she knew there was really no possible way he could prevent her from getting hurt if anyone _wanted _to come after her, she still said, "I know" because he needed to hear it.

The mood was tense, and Lily wasn't sure another attempt at a change of subject would help. "So, everyone doing well…besides the fact that everything is—"

"—really bad?" said James. "I think we're all okay."

Lindsey, who hadn't said a word since the conversation began, stood up, brushed non-existent dust from her shoulder. She walked quickly to the stairs that led to the girls' dormitories without saying a word of good-bye to any of them.

"Apparently, Lindsey isn't."

Lily rolled her eyes at Peter's comment. "I guess I have to go talk to her, as it seems I'm the only one with a sensitive bone."

"Or the only one who can get up the stairs," said James, laughing.

Author's Note: Yeah, everything in this chapter was mostly build-up, so hopefully, it was still good. Please review :)


	16. MacArthur Park

**Author's Note: So, I'm sorry, but this took longer than expected. I've got pink eye, and the stomach virus, so…it was a bit hard to keep myself awake and—well—alive. Anyway, a few chapters ago, when I did italics, they didn't work right, if you recall, so hopefully, they will in this chapter. Enjoy. The reoccurring theme of trust makes its way into this chapter strongly. **

"No."

"Lily, please," James whined.

"You are _not _getting me on a broom," she said stubbornly. "No way in hell."

James sighed. He held the broom tightly in his hand, frustrated. He and Lily were standing in the Quidditch filed before dinner, as James attempted to get Lily to fly with him.

"It's completely safe," he said.

Lily widened her eyes in disbelief. "Safe? Are you serious? It is a flying broomstick," she said, almost laughing as the words fell out of her mouth.

"Maybe it doesn't _sound_ safe," said James, "but I've never fallen—actually, I have fallen—but…"

"You're not making this any easier," said Lily, now even more fearful than when he'd begun.

James chuckled at the look on her face. "This is the ultimate test of trust," said James. "If you trust my words and my ability, you don't have to worry about the fact that we're in the air."

Lily still looked reluctant, and James wondered if this had really been a good idea. "I'll get on the broom," said James, talking slowly while he did what he said he would. "You will sit down behind me."

Lily walked towards the broom, pausing and finally reaching forward to pull herself onto it. "Put your arms around me," James instructed.

"Oh, I see what this is," said Lily. "James, I really—"

"There are two reasons for the flight," he said, interrupting Lily's accusation. "One: Simply teach you how amazing it feels to soar through the sky. Two: Help you relax, and trust me. If you can make it through a ride without freaking at the thought of accidentally being let go—or purposely—or worried I'll make some move on you, I will have faith that you, Lily Evans, have faith in me."

Lily rolled her eyes, though she saw this exercise could, indeed help her, if it didn't take away what little trust she had left, or result in her death.

"Hold on," he said, as Lily's hands were still gripping the broom. "If they're not around me, you'll flip over."

"Okay, but if I go down," Lily warned, "I'm taking you with me."

James smiled. "As it should me," he said, feeling her arms around him then. "Ready?" he asked.

"No, but go."

Flying, Lily decided, was mostly how she expected it to be. Scary, of course, and she'd realized quickly that he had been right about the need for her to hold onto him. In fact, she was sure, mid-ride, James couldn't breathe well anymore, but he didn't complain a bit, more concentrated on Lily's safety.

Though, it wasn't only frightening. It was thrilling, and she knew that part of the thrill was knowing, with one slip, they could fall to their deaths, but because of James' amazing skill, they wouldn't.

"All right?" James asked through gasps of air.

Lily loosened her grip a smidge, letting him catch his breath. "The better question is, are you?" she asked, holding on tighter again as he made a sharp turn.

James laughed. "I'm fine. Do you want me to take you down?"

Lily started to shrug, and then realized it was a bad idea in her position. "I'm o—okay," she said.

Lily could tell James was positively blissful to see that she was enjoying herself. Lily forced herself to look down, seeing the tiny blades of grass all morph into one flat ground. She turned her head to look at the windows, glancing at her own, so close, but not close enough to see inside. She imagined how people would look below them, and a sudden sick feeling came to her.

"Can we go back down?" she asked, her voice louder than normal in order to beat the winds.

James nodded, expertly steering them down to the ground. Lily held onto James for a bit longer, her eyes shut tightly, subconsciously protecting herself from looking at her quiet companion. He didn't ask her to get off, or even move. Finally, Lily unclasped her two hands, removing them from his waist. She opened her eyes, and got off the broom.

"Amazing?" James asked.

Lily nodded, hardly paying attention to what she was doing, focusing on her thoughts.

Lily didn't find it easy to trust people, as was obvious to anyone in Hogwarts, really. But, because she'd been so afraid of falling, she _had _to trust James. Lily gave him a way to, not only ridicule her for the way she'd clutched, but also to hurt her in any way he pleased, or to touch her, so easily touch her. And, while she usually contemplated every move she made, this was done, without a thought.

Instead of being afraid to touch him, she'd touched him _because _she was afraid. Even though James knew she'd done something out of the ordinary, she didn't think he realized how historical the day would be.

She felt so completely confused, and rather dazed. "Thank you," she whispered. James assumed she meant for taking her flying.

"You're welcome," he said with a shrug.

James balanced the broom against his shoulders as they walked back to the castle together. Lily tried as hard as she could to avoid looking in his direction, wanting to pretend everything was normal.

"Tomorrow's Halloween," said James, hoping to strike up a conversation.

"Yes, it is," said Lily. The thought didn't seem to thrill her the way it did James.

"I didn't give you a reason for the day, did I?" James asked. He was aware of the distant attitude he was receiving, but tried to ignore it.

"No," said Lily, looking down.

James frowned. "Is something wrong?" he asked, concerned.

Lily shrugged. "There's no one out here," she said simply.

James looked confused for a moment, and then sighed. "I'm sorry," he said. Was she incredibly uncomfortable? Nervous? Had he asked her to do something that hurt her in some way? Was she scared of him? He'd thought they'd gotten to the point where they could be alone together.

"We're almost inside," he said, feeling both stupid and pushy.

Lily seemed to sense this, and she gave him a half-smile. "Don't worry," she said. "It's just…new, I guess."

James raised an eyebrow for Lily to go on. "I'm trying," she said. "I really am."

"I know," he said calmly, taking her hand. Surprisingly, Lily didn't pull away, or even seem to notice, stuck, once again, in her thoughts.

_Lily rested her head on her kneecaps while she watched her mom pace back and forth in front of her. _

"_No," said Mrs. Evans, shaking her head, and laughing ever so slightly. "This can't have happened."_

_Lily felt the hostility that had been dying to come out for days resurface. "No, mum, I thought it would be a fun joke."_

"_I don't appreciate your sarcasm," she said angrily, twisting her brown locks in between her fingers as she often did when nervous. "Well, we have to tell someone, Lily."_

"_No," Lily said, disagreeing whole-heartedly. "No, we don't."_

_Her mother looked frustrated with her, but still rather angry with herself. "Why would you tell me if you didn't want to tell anyone who might help?"_

"_It's done. No one can help. I just never want to see him again," said Lily, rubbing her temples slowly. _

_Her mother didn't reply, and Lily didn't say anything for a few minutes, staring down at her bare feet. _

_Lily took a deep breath, letting a few tears come loose. Her mother ran to her aide. "I'm sorry," said Lily. "I'm just so scared."_

"_I know," said her mother, holding onto Lily tightly. "It'll be all right."_

"_Is Petunia…" Lily didn't finish the sentence. She didn't know what to say._

"_She's just in shock, I'm sure," her mother answered her incomplete question. "We all are."_

"Maybe if we talked about random things," said Lily, "it would take my mind off of it."

James smiled. "You're beautiful," he said.

Lily blinked. "Was that a reason?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Just a comment, but it could be one if you wanted. I've got more than I need," he replied, switching the broom to his other side to better accommodate her hand in his own.

Whatever James was trying to do, he was succeeding in taking her mind off the fact that they were alone. They arrived at one of the doors, and James held it open for her.

"But if you want it, I'll give it," said James, referring to the reason.

"Shoot."

"You are," said James, pausing their walk to kiss the hand he was holding, forcing Lily to roll her eyes, "very mysterious, Lily Evans."

"Oh, am I?" she asked, shaking her head. James nodded. "We're almost to the Great Hall. Don't suddenly slow down."

James could tell she became more comfortable since they were in the presence of other students. She pulled her hand away, hoping it was inconspicuous. "How so?"

"You're just difficult to figure out, I guess," said James, staring down at his hand. He felt like a teenage girl who'd shaken hands with a celebrity, telling himself it was going to take a lot to wash it.

"I thought you hated when I'm secretive," she said when they'd arrived at the Great Hall

"Well, it's both a weakness and a strength," he said. Lily had never thought of it that way before, but she shrugged.

"Let's just go sit," she suggested, heading over to where the others were seated.

However, when they got to the table, and James laid his broom under the bench, he started to think it wouldn't be such a good idea to stay. Apparently, the two had walked in at a very bad time.

"They've been fighting," said Remus quietly, gesturing with his eyes to Sirius and Lindsey, "for about ten minutes. I don't think either one knows what it's about."

"And you blame me for this?" said Lindsey, completely oblivious, as was Sirius, to the new arrivals. "I seriously don't even—"

Sirius interrupted. "Well, I don't know, _Lindsey, _but you seem to be giving me a lot of blame for something that's nothing to do with me, and I'm trying to be sympathetic, but—"

"Right. Like you know how?"

Lily was very taken aback. This was not common Lindsey attitude.

Peter sighed. "We can't figure it out, and they won't even listen to us."

Lily frowned. "Lindsey?" she said, but, as she'd expected, Lindsey was too distracted to reply.

James shrugged. "So—how are you?" he asked.

Lily saw he was trying to find a way to ignore them as best he could. Remus began eating again, and Peter stared in wonder at the two, not bothering to hide it.

She cleared her throat. "I'm okay," she said.

"—and I don't!"

Lily winced, blocking it out by talking over them. She searched for a topic. "Tell me," she said, "about your family." She was careful not to say 'yourself', as she knew quite a bit about him.

"Umm, well, I have parents," he said.

Lily laughed. "I thought so. Anything else?" she asked. James shook his head, and he immediately thought he said the wrong thing as Lily stared, open mouthed before finally saying, "Only child?"

James nodded slowly, still seeing no drama. "You don't know how lucky you are," she said, trying to decide if she wanted anything to eat.

"Well, I have that oaf over there living with me," said James, hoping to get a rise out of Sirius, but Sirius continued on with his heated argument. He sighed, seeing as all of their attempts hadn't worked. "But yeah—I've heard that a lot, about how lucky I am, I mean. It's not that special. Your sister, right?"

Lily nodded. "Wait…how did—"

"Last year," said James, "we were arguing, and you said—or screamed—something about being emotionally unbalanced due to your sister."

Remus chuckled. "I think half the school remembers that, Lily."

She rolled her eyes. "I hope not," she said. "So, yes, I have a sister…who's getting married in two months."

The conversation that had started about nothing seemed to effectively divert their attention from the two, now practically screaming, friends. Remus showed his interest in the marriage while Peter continued to watch the match. "Really? That's exciting."

Lily shook her head, deciding to be honest with someone for the first time in a while. "Not really. Yet, as much as I can't stand both of them, I really don't want their marriage to fall apart, as my mom's worried it will."

"Why?" they asked together.

"Well, her own did," said Lily, rethinking her choice of pouring herself coffee. She didn't think she could digest anything anymore.

"Oh," said James, taking a minute to realize what she said. He smiled sadly. "Divorced?" he asked.

Lily nodded. "I'm sorry," said Remus. James just decided to put as much food in his mouth as he could to prevent him from having to say anything.

"It's been a long time," she said. "I'm over that."

Which didn't make it any easier to think about him.

"Well, of course you didn't!" cried Lindsey. People began to look from all directions. "It was only just an hour ago! Not like it's in the paper!"

Sirius had seemed to calm down. "Lindsey…" he said softly, reaching out to her, but she ripped her arm away. Lily believed he looked utterly hurt.

"No," she said, getting up from the table. "I'm going to bed."

If Lily weren't so afraid of the anger in Lindsey's voice, she'd be proud that she'd finally stood up, and raised her voice. "Li—Lindsey," she said cautiously, but Lindsey walked past her, tears in her eyes.

"What did you do?" Lily demanded.

Sirius sighed. "_I _didn't do anything," he said. Lily looked at him doubtfully. "I'm serious," he added. "Unfortunately, I'm Sirius _Black." _

His friends were confused, but Sirius looked more than happy to explain.

Author's Note: Again, I'm sorry this took long. So many unexpected delays. Anyway, please review, and I hoped you liked this chapter. :) Some parts may still be confusing, but just stay with me.


	17. Such a terrible day

Author's Note: I'm so sick and tired of people killing James' parents and/or Lily's in their stories. Why do that? Seriously. It's become one of the biggest clichés in stories…it's not even funny. Anyway, I'm so so so so so sorry this took like a hundred years, but I've had sooo much work, tests, studying, social…uh, issues, and about sixty different doctor's appointments. Basically, I'm stressed. (And angry because if my brother's friend calls me Morgan one more time, I'll kill him.)

" Dumbledore called Lindsey down to his office a while after you had gone outside."

Sirius took a deep breath, as if he were taking in more strength to be able to continue his tale. Lily's eyes roamed around the hall, and she shifted a little. Sirius seemed to notice her discomfort, as he smiled feebly.

"Let's walk and talk," he said. Lily was rather surprised he'd given up his meal, but then again, it hadn't quite been a normal day anyway.

James, Remus, and Peter got up with them, a tad disappointed that they weren't going to finish eating. It was then that Peter realized two rather important people were missing.

"Dumbledore and McGonagall aren't here?" he said, confused, running to keep up with his friends' fast paces.

"Exactly," said Sirius.

"Well, go on," said Lily, obviously impatient to hear more about the cause of the fight.

"Right," said Sirius, as they shut the doors to the Great Hall behind them. "Well, she asked me to come along with her because she didn't know what he wanted to see her for. Naturally, I complied."

He sighed then, unsure if he wanted to continue. Lily could see how painful it was for him to talk about it, and she felt awful for making him.

"So, Dumbledore said that there'd been an attack. Merlin, the last time that happened here in school…"

"An attack?" James asked, startled.

"Well, as soon as Dumbledore said it, Lindsey started crying, so I figured she suspected…"

Lily gasped. "Her cousin," she said. "She tried to tell me something was wrong with him," she recalled, biting her lip. Why hadn't she pushed Lindsey to go on?

Sirius nodded gravely. "He's…well…truthfully, he's in the hospital wing…but…"

"What?" asked James.

"Dead."

Their minds had strayed so far from the destination in which they were headed that Lily wasn't sure how they'd made it to the Common Room. Sirius stopped talking, and waited for Lily to quietly utter the password. "Mandragora," she said. "Why him?"

Sirius shrugged, choosing to stand awkwardly while the others sat down. "He was looking for information, according to Lindsey. Basically, they figured he was a threat to them, so they…well, they did away with him before Voldemort had to find out they were being too obvious with plans."

Lily shook her head, voicing what all her friends were thinking. "That's horrible," she said quietly. "And it was done right here? Here in school?"

Sirius nodded, now looking a bit uncomfortable. "The ministry," he began, his voice unlike Lily had ever heard it, "has got no way of _proving _she did it. Harry's 'barely conscious nonsense words', as Dumbledore referred to them, are not enough evidence. However, she made it clear to me that it was, indeed, her fault…or accomplishment, whichever way you look at it."

"Bellatrix?" James guessed, knowing Sirius all too well.

"Well, why the hell didn't Harry's word count?" asked Lily, enraged. "Who cares how conscious he was? He knew what happened to him!"

James smiled sadly at her, putting his hand gently on her knee, telling her to relax. She sighed, nodding her understanding, and pushing his hand away.

"He didn't really say she did it. He just mentioned her name with a bunch of others," he mumbled. "She confronted me later on, though."

Lily didn't ask about the fight the two must have had, or what Bellatrix had said to him, knowing Sirius was obviously having trouble explaining even the few things he'd already said. "So, Lindsey wants to blame you because she's upset. I understand that, but it's not your fault at all. You know that, right?"

"Whatever," said Sirius. "I'm going upstairs."

Wearily, Sirius ignored James' pleas for him to stay to talk with them, and walked upstairs to his dormitory. Lily watched as he passed by, such hurt in his eyes, and she could tell he felt guilty, as James said he always did when his family was involved. Lily felt a sudden sense of anger rush through her, and a desire to rid the world of such horrible people.

" I think," said Remus, "that they're going to have a serious relationship problem."

"If the two of them don't get themselves killed," James added.

"That's not funny," Lily said, barely paying attention, as she was still concerned about Sirius' welfare.

"It's not supposed to be," he replied.

"Maybe we should go to the Hospital Wing," Peter suggested. "Lindsey's there, right?"

"Good idea," said Lily, jumping immediately from the chair.

The four of them didn't bother to tell Sirius where they were going, assuming he didn't wish to be disturbed. When they walked into the Hospital Wing, they saw Lindsey right away, her arms wrapped around herself protectively, sitting in a chair next to a man and woman

When she saw them, she tried to smile. "H—hi," she said. It didn't look like she'd stopped crying since leaving the Great Hall.

James walked closer to her, enveloping her into a hug. Lindsey gratefully cried into his shoulder, her arms around him in a death grip.

The adults ignored the scene, concentrated on the words they wanted to say. James wondered why they were still there, and why they hadn't gone home. What did they expect in the Hospital Wing? A resurrection?

Lily turned to look at the boy next to her. James was trying to soothe Lindsey, rubbing her back, and whispering kind, comforting words. He smiled sadly at Lily when he realized she was watching him.

Lindsey finally pulled away from James, turning to Lily. "Hello," she said, pretending it was the first time she had seen her that day, as if she hadn't been crying her eyes out. The act wasn't too convincing.

"Hi," said Lily, trying to keep her voice neutral. She didn't know what she was supposed to say in such a situation. Clearly, she wasn't skilled.

James, having already done more than enough for Lindsey, sat down in the seat she had occupied, and attempted to engage Harry's parents in a conversation. Peter stood next to him, feeling more comfortable beside James than a crying Lindsey, which left Lily and Remus alone near her.

There was something about James, sitting there, talking with a couple he'd never met before. Mr. and Mrs. Ellhart were obviously heartbroken, and yet, they smiled slightly as James spoke to them. She couldn't quite hear what he was saying, but somehow, she knew they were feeling better because of it. How could he be so calm? How could he relax when he knew that they were classmates with someone who could murder an innocent teen so easily?

She admired him for it, more than she could say. It was a sort of crisis control skill that she lacked. Lily knew she was staring at him—them—as he made Harry's mother smile, laugh, look down occasionally in sadness, and then up again. She wished she could be so relaxed.

"Lindsey," she said. "I…don't know what to say."

Lindsey shook her head, smiling for only a split second. "I guess your expertise lie in other areas."

Lily thought about attempting to explain, once again, that she wasn't a man-magnet, but realized that it would go unheard. "If you say so," she said.

James got up from the chair he'd been sitting in, leaving the two parents deep in conversation with each other.

"Remus," he said, unexpectedly. "Remus, I think we should go take a walk."

Remus looked confused, turning to Lily. "Will you be…okay?" he asked. Lily nodded, raising an eyebrow at James, wondering why he'd suddenly decided they needed to 'take a walk', and leave her alone with Lindsey.

"We'll probably just go back to the Common Room," said Lily, speaking for Lindsey and herself, but not positive Lindsey would actually want to leave. "Have fun."

James smiled at her, waved at Lindsey, and walked out of the Hospital Wing with Remus.

"What," asked Remus, bemused, "was that about?"

James sighed. "Dumbledore was about to bring him in, according to Harry's parents, and I—I know how you get about that."

"Oh, yes because most people love to see dead bodies," said Remus defensively, crossing his arms. "Thanks for getting me out."

James nodded. "You're welcome."

"So…poor Harry," said Remus.

"Yeah," said James.

Desperate to talk about something else, something possibly pleasant, Remus brought decided to venture into Lily zone.

"What's going on with you two?" he asked knowingly.

"Lily and I?" Remus nodded. James sighed. "I honestly don't know. I mean, one moment, we're friends, the next…we're fighting, she can't trust me…then, she says she can, and we're kind of friends. I really don't know, and I'm frustrated. I tried to…"

"Get over her?" asked Remus. "That didn't work."

"Not even _close. _I don't know what to do."

"Maybe," said Remus thoughtfully, "you should talk to her about it."

"She doesn't want a relationship, Moony. That much is obvious."

"Did we ever find out what her problem is?" he asked, putting his hands in the pockets of her robes. "Like, to make her so…"

"No," he replied. "No, I didn't."

James let out a frustrated groan. "Why can't I figure this girl _out?"_

Remus laughed, obviously amused by the outburst. "I thought you liked her eccentricity."

"I never used that word," said James, rolling his eyes. "Show-off."

Remus, too, rolled his eyes. "Oh, yes, I live to show off for you, James."

"_Stop."_

_She didn't really know when it started, to be honest, but Lily was tired of letting it continue._

"_Stop," she pleaded, her hands shaking. She'd never confidently stood up to her father in such a way before, and it shocked her almost as much as it did him._

_He did not do as she asked, but he did not yell or scream either. He simply said, "It's fine," again, as if that solved the world's many problems._

"_It's not fine!" Lily screamed, tired of it all._

_It wasn't fine. _

_Her father smiled condescendingly. "Honey, I love you. You know that."_

_Lily didn't recognize him at all. The man she'd known as a young child was gone, no longer with her. She was infuriated with herself for letting it carry on for such a long time._

"_Don't touch me," she told him warningly, pushing his hand off her knee._

Impressed. That was the word Lily had been looking for. She couldn't begin to figure out, when she'd watched him tend to Lindsey's every need that night in the Common Room or when she found out why he'd suggested taking Remus for a walk. Lindsey had actually wanted to stay in the Hospital Wing, unwilling to get up, move around, and be lively. James had managed to persuade her to come back to sleep in her dormitory, or at least, in the Common Room.

He went to the kitchens to get her food, which she didn't eat, and tried to make her relax, and paid much attention to her before she (after a few hours of saying she couldn't possibly do it) fell asleep.

Lily was impressed.

After Remus and Peter went to bed, and Lindsey slept soundly on the couch before them, Lily and James were the only ones still up.

"Well, Sirius is my next contestant," said James teasingly.

Lily tried to be as calm as James clearly was, but James could tell she was bursting with some sort of emotion. He sighed. "Want me to go upstairs?" he asked.

"No," she said. "That's not it."

Suddenly, she smiled. "I'm proud of you," she said sincerely.

Though James had no idea what she meant, his eyes immediately lit up. "Really?" he asked, sounding ten years younger.

She nodded. "The way you handled things today…well, I never could have done all of it. I found myself watching in awe, and wishing I could have those strengths."

James waved his hand dismissively, gesturing that it wasn't a big deal. "Thanks," he said, looking as though Lily had made his day.

Lily got up from her chair, walking over to James. She planned to say good-night, and head straight to her dormitory, but he stood up when she got closer to him, and she felt herself become glued to the spot, just inches from his face.

"I—I," she cleared her throat, "good-night."

"Good-night," said James, but neither one moved.

Before she really knew what she was doing, Lily leaned in closer, turning her head to the right slightly, and her lips pressed against his. James' eyes widened, and he almost broke the contact from sheer surprise.

For a moment, it felt good, but then Lily's mind kicked in, and the panic built within her. She pulled away, and James' eyes were still open wide, staring back at her. She felt horrible for giving him hope, as she was about to take it away.

James took her hand, looking concerned, and only when she saw the worry in his eyes, did she realize that her body was literally shaking with sobs. When had she started to cry?

"Lily…"

She didn't try to hide it, or tell James to not mention it to anyone; she was too confused. Why had she kissed James? What possessed her to do so? And…couldn't she see that he wouldn't hurt her? He was completely alone with her, aside from a sleeping Lindsey, and he hadn't tried to touch her once. Why was she still so scared?

Lily took a deep breath, allowing the tears to continue streaming down her face. It had been a complicated day, and people were hurt and confused, and she was befuddled.

James let go of her arm, reaching up, instead, to touch her cheek. "Lily," he said again. She turned her face out of reach, pushing him lightly away from her.

"Good-night," she said, swerving around him, not bothering to turn around, hoping she hadn't caused him too much unnecessary pain for one night.

She walked up the stairs to her dormitory, and felt as if she were someone else when she opened the door. Her roommates were asleep, and they didn't stir once, even after she'd thrown herself onto the bed, kicked the wall beside it, and cried to herself.

"I hate you," she said. "I hate that you can ruin everything for me when you're so far away," she said indignantly, pushing her hair away from her face, trying to prevent it from sticking. "You can ruin _everything _from so far away, but you can't even hear me! Why can't you hear me?!"

She let herself be taken over by exhaustion, whimpering softly. "I'm sorry, James," she said. "I can't let this happen."

Author's Note: So, please review :)


	18. Heart

Author's Note: I'm soooo sorry this took forever! I've had lots of stuff to do, and yes, well, you've heard it before. Please enjoy. Wow, it's pretty scary that I've had like three to four chapters all taking place in this one pretty eventful night. Thankfully, this one goes into the next morning, so you'll maybe see another reason ;).

James was frozen. He wasn't sure he'd be able to get up the stairs without help from another. It took him a few moments to even blink. Lily _had _kissed him, hadn't she? James had certainly imagined the occurrence before (as well as much more), so much so that it was possible his imagination may have gotten the better of him.

No. Her lips had definitely touched his. He had felt it. He _still _felt it, for Merlin's sake. James allowed a small smile to appear before, as always, when it came to Lily, it fell.

Lily had been crying. The act was becoming a common one, but she had initiated the kiss, so how could he be in trouble for it? How could she be angry with him?

Maybe she wasn't. James was sure this time that he'd done nothing wrong. She had even told him she was impressed by all that he'd done. The only thing left was for him to ask what was wrong because, evidently, he wasn't about to figure it out for himself. He'd have to wait until morning. Even if he could find a way to get up the girls' staircase, he somehow didn't think Lily would fancy seeing him show up in her bedroom.

"James?"

He jumped. James had completely forgotten about Lindsey sleeping on the couch. She opened her eyes drowsily. "What's…?"

"I'm going to bed," he said quickly. "Good-night."

Lindsey looked about to protest, but after the events from the day came back to her, she became too distracted to care about James leaving the room. James sighed. He sincerely hoped Remus was awake because he needed some good advice.

Fortunately, when James got up to his dormitory, Remus was sprawled out on his bed, lying on his stomach, reading. Sirius, on the other hand, seemed to be sleeping.

Remus lowered his book to greet him. "What's up?" he asked, raising an eyebrow in question to James' appearance.

"She…kissed…me," said James. He no longer held any happiness, only confusion.

Remus's mouth fell open wide, and he slammed the book closed. "Lindsey?!"

As it turned out, Sirius wasn't sleeping, or at least, not soundly. After hearing Remus' outburst, he jumped up onto his feet.

"She kissed you? God, it's as if—"

James shook his head. "No!" he shouted, as Sirius was no longer looking at him. "Lily."

"Oh," Sirius replied, slowly calming down. He sat back down on his bed, and his voice came out to be close to normal. "Well, tell us about it."

James was, of course, startled by Sirius' interest in talking. After all, he had avoided them for the entire evening, but he didn't say anything. Sirius was happy for James, and he obviously wanted a distraction from everything else that was going on. James was only too happy to give one.

"Scary."

James glanced over at the bed next to him. Peter may have been interested in the news, but he wasn't sure he would like to be woken up. He sighed. James would tell Peter later on.

"Scary," Sirius repeated. "I don't follow you."

Remus smiled. "A date before she's interested, and a kiss while she still doesn't like you. Lily sure is an interesting girl."

James rolled his eyes. "Listen, she was crying."

Remus suddenly looked alarmed, turning from James to Sirius. "Do many girls do that when kissed?" he asked. "If so, I'm not looking for my first anytime soon."

James, despite the subject on his mind, managed to laugh at Remus' expression. "Just Lily."

"Really, though, what happened?" Sirius asked. "Did you push her?"

"No!" James exclaimed. He'd been worried about that himself, and he wasn't about to let other people think it. He was rather offended by the hasty accusation. "She just…did it. Mind you, it was very swift, and before I knew it, it was over."

Remus nodded. "Did you comfort her? Di—didn't this happen before?"

"The crying?" James asked. "Mhmm. I'm going to talk to her about it tomorrow, of course, but I thought you might be able to help."

Remus shrugged. "That's all I've got. Sorry."

Sirius looked from one friend to the other. Then, he said. "Let's sleep."

It was only when James had changed his clothes, and had his head to his pillow, that he realized the significance of his day. A student, not only _just _a student, but a close relative of Lindsey's had _died_—been murdered, and here they were, ready to sleep. It seemed wrong in some way, but if James mentioned his feelings, Sirius would probably feel guiltier than he already did, and not one of them would be able to sleep.

As James had expected, the story of Harry's death was in the Daily Prophet by early morning (not on the front page, as it was _only _a death, really).

Dumbledore had given Harry's parents the option of holding the funeral at Hogwarts, but they had decided against it. Also, as James had predicted, Lily was completely avoiding him.

She wasn't, however, doing it conspicuously, and no one else seemed to notice aside from James.

"I think," said James, walking alone with Sirius to class, something he hadn't done in so long, "that Lily is avoiding me."

Sirius shook his head, adjusting the books in his hand. "Doubt it. You still giving the daily reasons?" he asked curiously.

James smiled. "Everyone seems to be so interested in that lately," he said.

Sirius bit his lip. "I don't want to sound all deep. Wouldn't want you to get the wrong impression," he said, winking.

James laughed. "I think, after seven years, I know you're not sentimental."

"Well, everything is crazy right now," he said. "The fact that you're still in love with Lily is, like, the familiarity we all need. As long as you still like her, we, as a school, feel like we're nowhere near the apocalypse that people are saying will come because of Voldemort."

James mulled over that for a moment. "Given this a lot of thought?"

Sirius rolled his eyes, but James continued with something completely different. "I want you to be with her. She makes you happy, right? Don't bre—"

"We're not 'breaking up' because we were never really together," he interrupted vehemently.

"But this whole situation is kind of stupid."

"Stupid?" asked Sirius incredulously. "Harry died. He is _gone."_

"That's not what I meant," said James. "I just think that…just because something makes you _un_happy, you shouldn't give up on everything else that is making you happy."

Sirius shrugged. "We'll talk about this later, perhaps," he said, nodding his head in the direction of their classroom, holding back a smile as James nearly passed it. "Good job," he said sarcastically.

"Psst, James!"

James closed his eyes, trying to pay attention to McGonagall. Transfiguration just happened to be the _one _class he liked. "What?" he asked, turning around unenthusiastically.

"Is it true they're," she pointed toward Sirius, "broken-up?"

James sighed. "Is that all you think about?" he asked. "Did you not hear Dumbledore's announcement at breakfast? Her cousin is dead." James could not believe anyone could be so selfish.

"Are they still together?" she asked, determined to get her answer.

"Yes," he replied.

Truthfully, James wasn't sure if they were or not, but he wasn't about to let Amy know that they were probably nearing the end of their relationship.

"Mr. Potter," said McGonagall crossly. "Would you care to pay attention?"

James smiled guiltily, turning around. "Sorry," he said. Sure. Amy didn't get in trouble, did she?

James glanced over at Lily, trying desperately to hear a word the teacher said, but he was much too distracted. Lily was determinedly staring at her notebook, writing furiously as McGonagall talked.

"Look at me," he whispered, mostly to himself. A part of him was glad that she couldn't hear him. He didn't like sounding so needy.

Lily knew James was looking at him. She could feel his gaze upon her, practically burning holes through her. She felt exposed, thanks to the kiss, as if each and every student could see everything she was hiding.

"Lily!"

Lily tried to ignore it. After all, she may have been able to pretend she hadn't heard him. "Lily! I _know _you hear me!" he yelled persistently.

Finally, Lily turned around, faking a calm demeanor the best she could. "Yes, James?" she asked politely, waiting for him to catch up with his breathing.

"We really need to talk," he said, running his hand through his hair.

"About?" she asked, cocking her head to one side thoughtfully.

"Umm," said James, glancing carefully at the students walking beside them. He leaned closer to her. "The kiss," he finished, raising an eyebrow.

Lily sighed. Taking her usual approach, pretending nothing had happened, obviously wasn't going to work here.

"Where are your friends?" she asked, realizing that while James had chased her after every class, he'd been by himself.

"Oh," he said, taken aback. "They don't enjoy running to keep up with you the way I do."

"Walk with me," she said, quietly adding, "but we can't discuss it here."

James felt a bit better, knowing he'd have answers, so he did as she requested, and didn't speak of it there.

"So," he began cautiously, "do you think Lindsey will be back tomorrow?"

Lily shook her head. "Probably not," she said softly. "She's at home with her parents, but the funeral isn't until tomorrow."

"Oh," said James. "I'm worried about them."

Lily nodded. "I am too."

James and Lily walked into the Common Room, surprised to see many people there. They turned to each other for an explanation, but neither knew anything.

"Why are you here?" she asked. "Don't most of you," she asked the younger students, "have a class?"

The majority of them looked too shy to answer, but one first year spoke up. "Professor Dumbledore told us to go back to our common rooms."

Great. That was just what Lily needed in her life. More to worry about because, really, she didn't think she had quite enough.

"Come on," said James, leading her up to his dormitory because there was no way she was going to talk with so many around.

Lily closed the door behind her after making James double and triple check their bathroom, under the beds, and each and every crevice, to make sure no one was in his room. Then, she sat down shakily on his bed.

James carefully sat next to her. "Relax," said James calmly, seeing how nervous she was. He took her hand in his own in a strictly platonic manner, waiting for her to reject. She didn't. "You don't have to tell me everything. I just want to know where we stand."

Lily was overwhelmed with the hope in his eyes.

"_Oh, don't give me that!"_

"_It's true," said James, smirking in his childish way. _

_Lily rolled her eyes. "You don't 'fall in love' at eleven years old. Hell," she went on, "you won't fall in love at all."_

"_How do you know?" asked James, his smirk disappearing._

"_Love requires you to think of someone other than yourself, which you obviously can't do." Lily saw the feeling of hopelessness flicker for a single moment in his eyes before he quickly disguised it._

"_I—I can," he said, faltering slightly. "I think of you all the time."_

"_That much is obvious," said Snape, quickly stepping to Lily's aid. _

"_There are other people to torment," she said, crossing her arms. She'd become self-conscious after realizing plenty had come to watch._

"_Well, in that case, you won't fall in love either," said James, using the last method he had left to conceal how hurt he was: malice. _

"_Oh, and why is that?" she asked._

"_You don't have a heart, Evans."_

_Her eyes flashed coldly. "Yes, of course. That's true."_

James really did love her, didn't he? She supposed he always had. For some reason, the way he spoke to her, telling her she didn't need to tell him everything, telling her it was okay if she didn't want to tell him anything, as long as he knew how she felt, telling her that he would be there for her, but most importantly, acting as though it didn't matter to him how she felt about him, even though it definitely did, made her feel something she'd never felt before.

It wasn't fear. She'd felt that many times before, and Lily knew what stirred within her whenever she was afraid.

It wasn't anger. She had, of course, felt that for James countless times.

While he held her hand as a means of comfort, she suddenly began to feel her heart beat wildly in her chest, the heart that she _certainly _had, and she couldn't control it.

Control.

James was letting her have the control; he wasn't pushing her to give in, give up, and give her heart. In fact, Lily was sure _she _controlled _him. _He'd break his back if only Lily asked him to.

He loved her.

And maybe— maybe—that didn't scare her as much as it used to because she had never really understood it before.

Lily used to think that if she accepted the fact that someone cared about her, or trusted her, that it would turn out just the way it did with her father. But she was wrong….her father never _actually _cared in the first place. Instead of feeling scared of James' extreme love, care, and devotion, she should have felt _safe _because it meant he would never do what her father had done.

"Lily?" he said, as she had gone completely silent.

Her breath caught in her throat, and she didn't think she could speak. She let go of his hand, and held it up in the air shakily to move her finger across his face. James didn't dare to move or say a word.

Lily's hands were still shaking as she tried to speak. "It's okay," he said, smiling slightly, though Lily could tell he was concerned.

"I'm not afraid of you," she said matter-of-factly.

To James, it was an odd statement. To Lily, it was practically, I love you…though, not quite so strong.

It could have been some sort of adoration because the only person she'd ever said anything remotely like "I'm not afraid of you" to was probably her mother. For once, though, Lily thought James understood how it was extreme; it wasn't just an ordinary statement.

"I'm glad," he said simply.

Lily didn't want to cry again. She was tired of seeming weak to James when she really was anything but. So far, he'd seen her cry two and a half (she was beginning to) times, and she didn't like that.

But it didn't matter what she wanted because it seemed fate was not on her side, and she was going to cry…but for once, the tears weren't all from pain.

"I…we…he…" She didn't know where to start. How to open up on something you've been holding back for two years to a person you've told hardly anything to?

"We can talk later," he said, reaching out to hug her, but he wasn't convinced she'd let him.

Lily, however, accepted it, and let herself cry into his shoulder. It didn't matter. There was no way to prevent the tears that were going to come. Everything…everything needed to come out, and she finally had someone who would listen, someone who would _truly _listen.

Her mother hadn't tried to listen, only to comfort. Her sister was convinced it was all an act, and no one else realized she was in pain. No one. But James was there.

James gently rubbed her back, whispering that it would be all right. "I—I," she stuttered into his shoulder, "want to tell you, but…"

"When you're ready," he said.

Lily wanted to argue that maybe she was finally ready, and that she had to get it out then and there, but she decided she could wait until she could breathe again before she let it out to him.

But what if she lost her nerve? What if…Merlin, there were only too many things that could happen.

James seemed to know just what to say. "I'm not going anywhere, Lily."

"You're strong, loving, and sensitive," said James. "That's my reason for today."

Lily smiled, sniffling. "You know, it'd be easier for you to break those up into three days," she said softly.

"Life's not about being easy, is it?" he said, chuckling.

"If I'm loving, that means I _do _have a heart!" she exclaimed, then blushed. James had no idea what she was talking about! Surely, he wouldn't remember something, a tiny memory, from their first year.

"Umm," he said, furrowing his brow, "of course you have a heart, Lily."

Lily shook her head, leaning her head back into her shoulder, disregarding what the scene between them may have looked like. Astonishingly, the kiss was far from both of their minds.

James let her relax into his shoulder, smoothing the back of her hair down. "Happy Halloween."

Author's Note: Please please reviewwww :)


	19. What we don't deserve

Author's Note: Yeah, I'm trying to update once a week. May or may not happen. Any of my Degrassi watchers, did you _see _the premiere?? Ahh!! My Darco:( What is to happen? And…wow, Darcy, that was quite intense. Anyway, please enjoy!

Lily took a deep breath. "I've only said this aloud once," she said, "and the reaction wasn't good."

James nodded. Lily had asked him to give her a moment before she let everything out. Even after he'd told her it would be okay if she decided not to, Lily knew she had to do this.

"I don't feel like me anymore," she whispered, leaning against James for both physical and emotional support."

"Okay," said James patiently.

Lily paused. Where to start? She swallowed painfully. "It's about my dad," she said nervously. "It—it's about my dad," Lily said again, trying to calm down. Everything was just fine.

James nodded slowly along with her. She was only four words in, and already James had quite a bad feeling.

"Well, it started the summer before sixth year," she said. "Meaning, I was sixteen."

James could tell she was stalling slightly, and he wanted to help her spill the words out, but there wasn't much he could do. Silent tears began to fall down her cheeks, as they'd been coming close to for a while.

"He was…unhappy," said Lily, "and for some reason, that had something to do with all of this. He—he hadn't been to see my sister and I for about six months, and though we sort of missed him, we were fine."

Before Lily could continue, the dormitory opened. They turned their heads in the direction to find Sirius.

"Erm, hi," he said.

Sirius certainly didn't miss the strangeness of the sight before him. The two were sitting on James' bed, Lily next to him, but (in Sirius' eyes) practically on top of him. She was crying, gripping onto the neck of the t-shirt under his robes, holding on for some cure to her problem.

James' face was solemn, though Sirius was pleased to see, he wasn't also crying. He had his arm around Lily's shoulders while she shook. Both of them stared at him when he entered.

"Well, I just came in for…doesn't matter," he said, shrugging. "I can just go if—"

"No!" said Lily. "I don't want to take you out of your room."

Sirius shook his head, already feeling uncomfortable enough. "No, it's fine. I'll see you later."

Sirius left, closing the door behind him, most likely planning on telling the other two boys to avoid the dormitory until a later time.

James cleared his throat. "We're not having good luck, are we?" he said, chuckling quietly, as he tried to lighten the mood.

"No." Lily agreed.

Lily sighed, one again, preparing herself to speak. "He's just lost his job," said Lily. "He and my mom never got on so well, so she had a tendency to run out of milk or ice-cream or something just before he came, and would return hours later. Anyway, he came to visit at our house, considering he was between homes and such."

James nodded, showing he understood. "Well, my sister would only pay attention to him when it was convenient for her, when she wasn't off with her boyfriend, but seeing as my dad hardly got to come, it bothered him that she was never around."

Again, James could only nod. He wished he could do more. Lily didn't deserve so much pain. In fact, he didn't think she deserved any problems at all.

"So, he was angry and upset, and he took that out on me," she said, her voice surprisingly steady through her crying.

"At first, it was just yelling, and the occasional, you know," she laughed nervously, "hit."

James could tell that she had tried very hard to throw that word in without making a fuss, so that, possibly, James wouldn't overreact.

"He hit you?" James asked. His mind filled with rage and an absolute hatred for someone he'd never met. It seemed Lily knew he was about to lash out, preventing her from finishing, so she pulled further away from him, laid her hand on his shoulder, and said, "There's more."

Those two words were like knives to his heart. Why did there have to be anymore? From 'hitting', God only knew what Lily meant. It could have meant beating mercilessly. If so, did James really want to know what else there was?

"Go on," he said, his voice speaking words he didn't understand. "He—he said all these awful things all the time," she said. "I just—what was I supposed to do, James? He's my father. I couldn't just ov—"

"Lily," James interrupted. Her words had quickly sped up as she talked, and her tone became defensive, as if she thought James would accuse her of wanting everything. "Relax," he said.

Lily continued, as if she hadn't heard him. "—erthrow him. I mean,, I can't just _not _listen."

"Ever the obedient one," James muttered, wincing. He was sure someone in authority could convince Lily to do anything. Anything.

"By the end of that summer, my mom was really starting to trust him with me," said Lily subconsciously on her left earring. "So, he would come over more often, and slowly, things got worse."

James was afraid to ask. He swallowed the lump in his throat that was begging him not to speak. "Meaning?"

"We were sitting in the living room—"

"Why wouldn't you just stay in your room, Lily?" he demanded. "I don't understand why you'd sit with some crazy, abusive—"

"I had to, James. My sister didn't, my mom didn't, and he was lonely."

James didn't give any more protest, but Lily distinctly heard him mumble 'Snape.'

Lily had never truly seen James furious, defensive, or even lose his cool. For some reason, seeing James at the part she usually played helped her calm down, and gave her the strength to go on. She was able to stop crying.

"We'd been sitting in the living room, and he just…" Lily took a deep breath. If James managed to figure it out, he didn't show it. "Well, first he sort of—" Merlin, she couldn't say it!—"touched me."

James blinked, looking confused. "He—he."

"It stopped at that the first day. He kind of did it almost as if he were brushing a piece of hair out of my eyes, and then we continued watching the telly, his hands in his lap. As far as he was concerned, nothing had happened, and I let it go."

Needless to say, I was reluctant to see him during his visit a week later. I practically got on my knees to beg my sister to stay, but that only made her wonder what my ulterior motive was, and I obviously couldn't tell her."

"You could have," said James, still not over the shock of finding out Lily's secret. "You should have told her, or—or your mom. Then, it would have stopped."

Lily smiled sadly. "Maybe I should have," she said, shrugging, "but I didn't."

"He would do similar things every visit, each time taking the initiative to go further. I began to see this man, my father, a human who shared _my _blood, in terrible nightmares. They made me want to die in my sleep. That is, if I got any. Finally, he took it as far as one _can _take it."

"Lily, stop. Please stop."

James didn't know if he could take it anymore. He knew where this was going. He didn't need anymore-mental images than he already had. Lily needed to stop. His mind needed to stop, and his heart needed to stop threatening to jump from his chest because, if she said another word, he feared it would. It would launch out onto the floor, his heart _and _soul, taking every ounce of love, care, and pity from him to give to the girl sitting with him, and by doing so, kill him.

"I can't now," she said. James didn't even recognize the emotion written all over her face. "I've started, and I need to give you all of it. Right here. Right now."

James nodded. He didn't understand, but he wanted to let her carry on. "I'm pretty much able to guess what happened after that," he said. He didn't remember the last time something affected him so badly. "Did he?"

"Yeah," said Lily. "But—but he made me feel so stupid and childish, as if I didn't get what was happening. He just kept telling me that it was okay, that I had to trust him. James, he made me feel disgusting."

"No," said James. "_He's _disgusting. How could he DO that?" he shouted, getting up from the bed, causing Lily to fall onto her side.

James then did something completely unexpected.

He ripped the Head Boy badge from his robes carelessly, snapping it into pieces with his strong fingers, and then threw each piece across the room with great force.

"You," he said, trying to break the last piece into smaller parts, "do not," he continued, "deserve," he went on, " biting his lip in frustration while he demolished the last piece away, sitting back down next to her, his head in his hands.

"That was interesting," said Lily, blinking. "Why—"

James sighed, pressing his knuckles into his forehead. "I was making a point," he said.

"Which was?" She raised an eyebrow.

"I never deserved that either," said James, referring to the destroyed badge. "You never deserved to have to deal with any of that."

Lily smiled. "Things happen for a reason, James," she said, leaning closer.

James lifted his head, looking at her skeptically. "You think there's a reason for…for what he did?"

"I was talking about you being Head Boy," she said, leaning closer.

James' eyes widened as he realized how close they were. "Maybe—maybe we should go figure out what's going o—on downstairs."

"Maybe," Lily said.

Lily felt safe. It had been a long time since she had felt secure in the presence of another person, especially if he were male. There was something special about the two of them, and she couldn't deny it. Lily had promised herself that she could never trust another the same way again after Severus' betrayal, as well as her own father's.

Was she wrong to give that up for James? Or was this friendship turning into something different? She wouldn't trust Remus, Sirius, or Peter in a room alone with her, would she? What made James so different?

"Th—that kiss we had," said Lily, broaching the subject the meeting had been called for in the first place. "It wasn't very good."

"I—what?" asked James, confused.

"We really need to do some things over, James."

"You want to start over?" she asked. After all, if James could make her feel safe, when no one else could anymore, didn't she have to embrace that?

James nodded enthusiastically. "Ye—yeah," he said, leaning closer as well. "Lily, I—"

They were interrupted by the door opening again. "Have you heard?"

Author's Note: Yeah, I had this finished for like two days without internet access lol. Sorrrrry. Yeah, and I know this was kind of short, but it's all part of the plan. ;) I hope you liked it, and pleeease review :)


	20. Everything

Author's Note: Regulus Black wouldn't be dying for a few years, I know, but in order to do what I wanted with this story, I had to tweak that a tiny bit. I hope you don't mind. I'm so sorry this took like forever, really. By the way, Lindsey is not in this chapter, as she is still at home, but don't think she has disappeared forever.

James turned away from Lily, gritting his teeth as he said, "What?" He couldn't help being angry that his perfect moment with Lily Evans had been ruined.

"I'm sorry," said Remus, realizing he'd disturbed them, "but the school is in like full safety mode because they think some of his followers got _in."_

"In?" James asked, eyes widening.

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Think?" How could they not know for sure?

Remus shrugged. "I don't know the story," he said. "Come downstairs. McGonagall's on her way to talk to us."

Lily and James reluctantly got up from the bed, standing close together as they walked. Neither one wanted to admit to being afraid.

"What's happened?" asked James after they'd reached the last step on the staircase. "Please explain."

Remus continued walking, the two of them on his heels, until he'd reached Sirius and Peter. Since the common room was so crowded, they had to squeeze into a corner. "Well," Remus began, "everything's out of hand."

Sirius nodded, laying his head on his knees, looking far more depressed than anyone else. "My brother refused to help them in," he said. "Probably felt it was over for him, anyway, so wanted to die looking like the good guy."

James turned to him immediately. "Die?"

Sirius nodded solemnly. "Bound to happen," he said, pretending it didn't matter.

Lily, however, saw through his disguise. She reached out to tentatively take his hand, letting him know she understood. He didn't say anything, nor did anyone else, and Sirius gave the smallest hint of a smile. "The point is," Sirius went on, "Dumbledore's checking the school for Death Eaters because there have been more deaths since this morning."

"You're kidding," said James, though he doubted Sirius would joke about something like that.

"No. No one we know personally, thank Merlin, but innocent people, nonetheless."

Lily shook her head slowly, holding back her tears while she processed the information. "It's all so screwed up."

James sighed. "Yeah, it is."

"When do you suppose we will be allowed out again?" asked Remus.

"I don't know," said Lily, dealing with the very same concern. "We can't just live in here all year."

"This will be sorted out soon," said James confidently.

"Even two days ago, I was naïve enough to think Dumbledore could prevent anything from happening at this school," said Remus sadly. "I guess no one's that amazing."

Lily, for the sole reason of feeling crowded, leaned her back against James' legs. "McGonagall," she said, pointing her out.

Professor McGonagall did, indeed, stand before them in the middle of the room. She cleared her throat, but it was unnecessary, as all eyes were already on her. "Classes will resume as normal in the morning," she said simply.

No explanation. Nothing. That was it.

Professor McGonagall, her message having been sent, turned around to leave.

"Wait!" Lily called out, knowing, as Head Girl, her voice would be heard. "Professor, is—are we safe?" she asked, trying to make it seem a question of no real importance, as if she were just curious.

"Why, of course it's safe!" she answered immediately, but Lily didn't think she looked very sure. "Miss. Evans, do you really think Professor Dumbledore would allow you to go back to classes if it weren't safe?" she asked.

"But people are dying!" exclaimed a girl of about twelve, from the corner Lily and the marauders were in.

Professor McGonagall sighed, trying to keep her cool. "The school locked down. No one was in here that shouldn't have been.

"There are Death Eaters who attend Hogwarts. That's why you didn't find anyone who didn't belong."

Lily didn't know who the boy was, but he had a fair point. There were people in their own classes who were Voldemort's supporters, if not actual Death Eaters. It was a very scary thought.

"What's a Death Eater?" asked a girl to Sirius' right. That seemed to just do it for McGonagall.

"Enough!" she demanded. "I understand that, during the past few days, we've had quite the scare, but that's no reason to live in fear. I assure you that—"

At once, the voices began, nervous and skeptical. No one paid any more attention to the last of McGonagall's words before she left the common room.

The five continued with their previous conversation. "Do you know if there's any pattern in the people they've killed?" asked Lily. "Be—besides Harry."

Peter shrugged. "Probably all muggle-borns," he said, eyeing Lily.

"No one will hurt you," said James, sensing her thoughts. If he felt so despondent now, he couldn't imagine how he'd feel if he lost Lily. It was too difficult to even think about. "I promise," he said.

Lily nodded, turning around to face him. She let go of Sirius' hand, forgetting she had been holding it, and put it, instead on James' knee, attempting a smile. Remus and Sirius took a moment from the grief to feel happy for James and Lily, even if they didn't know what, exactly, was going on between the two.

Lily stared at him for a long time without blinking. James stared back with even more intensity. "Merlin, I love you," he said unabashedly. He'd said it before, including his first year; it wasn't new, but it was the first time Lily believed him.

She didn't say it back, of course. Surely, Lily didn't feel _that _strongly about him, but his tender tone made her smile. "I know," she said.

It was the best she could do, but it seemed to be enough for James.

"Are we," said Remus, gesturing toward Sirius and himself, "missing something?"

Both of them chose to ignore the question. "Back to what we were saying," said Lily.

James laid his legs down flat, leaving them open slightly to allow Lily to lean back against his chest. Merlin only knew what their status was. For the first time in his life, James wished he were Merlin. (All right, maybe not for the first time. Doesn't every kid wish, at some point, that he knew all? There was that morning before his seventeenth birthday, and Merlin only knew what his parents were getting him, so—well, yes.)

"Lily…do you still talk to Snape?" asked Sirius rather cautiously.

"Sirius!" Remus scolded.

They all knew Lily and Snape weren't friends anymore. Even if, truthfully, they were glad not to have to see Lily with him, each one of them knew that what happened hurt Lily. Therefore, a deal had been made between them to never bring anything good or bad about Snape up around her.

"It's okay, Remus," said Lily. She turned to Sirius. "I really don't. Why?"

"Would you be willing to?" he asked.

"Why?" Lily repeated, raising an eyebrow, curious against her better judgement.

"I just—" he fell silent. "I figured you could get some information from him. He must know what that side is up to, even if he'd not a Death Eater."

Lily shook her head slowly. "He wouldn't tell me."

James cleared his throat awkwardly. "He probably would."

Lily rolled her eyes. That was ridiculous. "We're not friends anymore, James."

"Snape is in love with you," said Remus bluntly. "It's pretty obvious."

Lily sighed. "What do you want me to do?" she asked, exasperated.

Sirius shrugged. "Forget it," he said. "It was just a thought."

"Yeah," added James. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to."

Lily didn't miss the double meaning of his words. "It'll try," she promised.

The next morning, Lily didn't find it surprising to see that more than half the school was missing at breakfast. Some were mourning in their dorms for the people they lost. Some were taken home because of the fear their families had.

When Lily sat down at the Gryffindor table, the James she saw was distressed.

"My mother," he said, "wants to take me home. She just wrote me this morning."

"That's terrible!" said Lily, horrified. James couldn't leave now, not when things were getting so good between them. She chose to express a different concern, however. "You won't graduate."

"I know," said James, "but I'm kind of worried about her."

Lily nodded. "I understand."

"And if I do leave," James continued, "my mom would probably want Sirius to come as well."

Lily let her eyes wander to the Slytherin table. Perhaps, Sirius was right. Maybe talking to Severus would be a good idea. Then again, Harry was killed for the reason of too much curiosity and interference. She was already a muggle-born. Did she really need to give Lord Voldemort's followers more of a reason to hurt her? But…Severus wouldn't have her killed, would he?

If Remus happened to be right—that Severus really did love her—wouldn't he be angry that she was starting to fall for James' charm?

Lily saw him, right in the middle of boys and girls she would despise for all eternity, just sitting there, acting as if the world were at peace. It looked to her that the lack of people in the Great Hall didn't bother him in the least.

"Lily?"

Lily realized she had been daydreaming for so long that she hadn't even noticed the other boys' arrivals.

"You okay?" asked Sirius, raising an eyebrow, concerned.

Obviously, he had noticed where she was looking. "I'm fine. Let's just go to class."

"But we haven't eaten!" Peter protested.

"Fine," said Lily, throwing her bag over her shoulder. "I'll head to Potions now, and the rest of you will come when you're done eating."

"Sounds good," said James.

Lily rose from the table, catching Severus' eyes. She knew he would glance at her, as she pretended not to notice when he did it every other morning. She gestured silently to the doors before walking out. Perhaps, he would take her hint. Maybe, he would refuse to come. It was worth testing Remus' theory either way.

Sure enough, Lily had been leaning against the wall right outside the double doors for only a minute before Severus appeared by her side.

"Severus," she said. He didn't reply, but waited patiently for her to move along. "I wanted to talk to you about these murders."

Severus' eyes narrowed considerably. "Oh? You think _I'm _behind them? Have you been brainwashed by the marauders so quickly?"

Lily shook her head quickly. "No! No. I don't think _that!"_

"Oh," said Severus, his expression softening immediately. He tried to smile at his former friend. "Then, what is it?"

"Walk with me to Potions?" she suggested. No one would be heading to class quite yet, and the less people who overheard them in the corridors, the better.

Severus agreed, and kept a steady pace with her. It was rather nice, being so close to her again after such a long time. He knew that she hadn't been hanging around anyone since their friendship had been ruined. It was only recently that he'd started seeing Lily with the four who had once terrorized Severus. Severus tried to keep his bitterness to an all-time slow, not wanting to push her away.

"I want to know if you anything, Severus," she said calmly, though she didn't feel so relaxed. In fact, she could hardly breathe. Lily could easily be taken advantage by him…alone…with Severus.

_No, _she told herself. _Don't freak out. _

"Well…"

"Yes?"

Severus stopped walking. Turning to look into Lily's eyes intently, he said, "You're not going to repeat this." He didn't ask; he merely expected it. "Bla—Bellatrix Black. She's pretty much behind everything."

Lily blinked. Would Sirius really want to hear that? After all, he blamed himself when Harry was killed. Did she really have to tell him that his cousin was behind _every _attack? That _had _to be the relationship breaker for Sirius. His cousin had killed Lindsey's.

"I think that I'll go back to the Great Hall to finish eating before I go to class," he said, looking as if he were struggling with what to say next.

"Oh," said Lily, biting her lip. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize you weren't done."

Severus waved off her apology. "Listen," he said, "I'm not—I shouldn't."

"What?" asked Lily impatiently.

"…I know how you are. Don't go confronting Bellatrix, Lily."

"But—I—."

Severus shook his head. "Please," he pleaded with her. "You're already on the list," he said, his voice almost breaking.

"The list?"

"Don't put yourself into any more danger, Lily," said Severus, turning to walk away.

Lily watched him leave, wishing she had never come to speak with him in the first place. She knew who was behind it now, but she'd already suspected her anyway, and it wasn't as if she could prove it to anyone. The talk only made Lily feel worse, if anything. She was completely helpless.

Lily sat down next to James when he came to Potions. Snape, she noticed, carefully avoiding her eyes.

"This is a surprise," said James pleasantly after she had asked him to sit with her.

"I talked to Snape," she said.

"Oh," said James, looking only mildly curious. She knew that Snape wasn't James' favorite topic. "And?"

"He—"

"Good morning," said Professor Slughorn loudly, gathering the class' attention. "Now, yesterday, I see, has affected the attendance greatly today."

That was certainly true. Lily only counted nine people in total. "I don't think it would make much sense to start anything new," he said, disappointed. "And, as there are a few of you that still need to complete yesterday's work, you may all use this time to catch up."

Lily sighed with relief. She turned back to James. "Listen, I don't know much, but I do know that Bellatrix is behind it."

James nodded, opening up the book in which he usually wrote down his homework assignments in. "I actually think that I'm completely caught up," James said, laughing slightly.

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Did you hear me?" she asked, irritated by his lack of response.

"Yeah," said James, frowning down at his book. "Judging by my grades since the beginning of the year, I doubt—"

"James, do you _care? _Perhaps it might interest you that I'm marked on some death list."

"We all are for one reason or another," said James cynically. Lily definitely did not like the attitude he was giving. It was so unlike him, and Lily was unnerved.

"James?" she questioned, her voice sounding frightfully meek.

James sighed, putting his book down to look at her for the first time since the class had begun. "It really don't want to talk about Snape," he said simply.

"I know you never liked him, but you did—"

"There are two sides to every story. I'm not completely innocent, but neither is he," said James, familiar with her attacks toward his past actions.

"I—I believe you," she said. "You're just acting strangely. Anyway, that's all I had to say about it."

James nodded, still obviously irritated, but he tried to smile. After all, he didn't want her to think his anger was directed at her. "Do you think anything will go back to normal? I mean, you think this will be what class is like every day?"

"I hope not," said Lily. "Potions is the easiest class I take."

"You're insane."

Lily laughed. "Maybe so."

James closed his eyes, and leaned his head on the desk. "I'm tired," he mumbled.

While he rested, James couldn't help watching him. There was something—some feeling she got whenever he was around her lately. She smiled involuntarily. "James," she said softly, tapping him teasingly on the head.

"Hmm?" he murmured. He kept his eyes closed.

"I want my reason," she said, pouting.

"Oh, you _want _one," he said, picking his head up, and blinking wearily. "A transformation has occurred, eh?"

James had no idea just how much of a change.

"All right," he said, rubbing his eyes. She glanced around the class while waiting for James to speak again. Snape was quiet, scribbling notes into his Potions textbook. Everyone else was chatting animatedly. They had become so loud that Lily was surprised Slughorn hadn't yelled for them to quiet down.

"You've been through so much in your life, including you—you know," said James, still unwilling to speak about what Lily's father had done, "and yet, you hold onto this beautiful word, and you want it to be perfect for anyone and everyone, no matter what. I love that about you," he said sincerely.

Unexpectedly, everything fell into place, and it hit Lily like a rock in the chest. She tried to breathe, but the pain, and at the same time, appeal of the feeling took over her ability to do so. Lily wanted to speak, but didn't know if her vocal cords would allow her.

"James," she said, oblivious to the fact that Professor Slughorn had, indeed, asked the class to quiet down only a second before, and that she didn't have to speak so loudly anymore. "Will you go out with me?"

Author's Note: Again, I'm terribly sorry about how long it took. Please review. Strange turn of events, hmm? _Lily _asked him out. :)


	21. Surprises

Author's Note: Again, I'm terribly sorry about how long the chapter has taken. Please review. Hope you like. :)

Everyone, including Professor Slughorn turned to look at James and Lily in shock. Her heart was beating rather quickly, and she didn't feel comfortable with all of the eyes on her. What was she thinking? Asking him out like that?

James looked, if possible, more shaken than ever. "Are you—" he stammered Then, he smiled, and her heart began to beat even more quickly.

"Oh, how the tables have turned, m'lady," he said.

Lily blushed. "Just don't turn me down," she said, winking uncharacteristically.

"You're unbelievable," he said, turning to look around the rest of the class. They waited for his answer; half were even holding their breath. James rolled his eyes. "Did any of you think I'd say no? _Come _on."

Once they realized what he said, the Gryffindor students burst into applause (with the exception of those girls who still thought they had a chance.)

"Finally," said Sirius, shooting his friend two thumbs up.

Lily smiled self-consciously. "Go…back to what you were doing." She glanced back at Snape who was determinedly staring at anything besides Lily and James.

"Lindsey!" Lily said, unable to hide her surprise. "You're back!"

She nodded briskly. "Strangely, I am."

Lily looked her over. Her eyes were red and water, as if just seeing the school again produced a new batch of tears. She wasn't in robes, but the clothes she was wearing made Lily _wish _she were. Lindsey had always been the styling one (pink girl, as Lily dubbed her), but now she just looked an utter mess.

Lindsey didn't even pretend to smile. "So, what have I missed?" she asked. They began walking slowly—very slowly—because Lindsey kept stopping to shut her eyes and take deep breaths.

_Everything_, thought Lily, _You missed the biggest thing that could have possibly happened. _

Instead, however, Lily said, "Nothing much," shrugging. "I asked James out."

Lindsey's eyes widened. "You did what?!" she asked in a whisper. "No WAY."

Lily laughed slightly, pleased that the tiniest hint of happiness began to shine brightly in the other girl's eyes. "Yeah," she said.

"So, what's going on with you and Sirius?" she asked cautiously, completely aware that she was treading into dangerous territory.

"We talked this morning," she said, her eyes darkening after hearing his name.

"Oh," said Lily. She hadn't realized that she wasn't the first to be speaking with Lindsey.

"He dumped me," she said flatly, "and I _don't _want to talk about it."

Lily was shocked. How could Sirius have actually gone through with that? "But—but I don't…Lindsey, I—"

"Don't."

Lindsey's voice was forceful and demanding. Lily knew this was not the Lindsey she had dealt with on the train before the year began. Everything had changed, and so did every person.

They continued to the common room only because Lindsey hadn't said anything against it, but when they arrived, Lily wished they hadn't. The common room was empty save Remus, Peter, and a fifth year prefect Lily knew as John. That wasn't the bad part. What frightened Lily was the fact that, even standing near the portrait hole, she and Lindsey could hear the shouting from all the way upstairs and down the hall. Lily didn't think she'd ever heard James and Sirius argue at all, but they'd certainly never fought like _this._

"YOU DON'T—EVEN—"

"WHERE DO—OFF SAY…"

Lindsey sat down on the couch next to Remus while Lily stood still beside it, pretending not to notice the commotion. Remus, immersed in his book, was clearly trying to do just the same.

"Well, I'm causing a fair bit of drama," she said, sighing.

Peter shook his head, and said solemnly, "Not your fault."

"Personally," said Remus, not taking his eyes off the words he was reading, "I think this fight has been building up for a long time."

James' voice came through louder than ever before. "FINE!" he screamed, slamming the door behind him. Sirius didn't seem to have any reply.

Just a few seconds later, James appeared at the bottom of the stairs, smiling falsely at them all. "Hello, Lindsey," he said.

"Am I free to go to my room now?" she asked, not replying to his greeting. Lily knew she wouldn't have gone upstairs earlier, considering the voices would have been much louder if she were in that territory.

James nodded, pointing behind him. He knew it wasn't likely that Sirius would come down.

James watched Lindsey walk up the stairs, then walked over to Lily. "Hey…" he said slowly.

She smiled. It was rather endearing that James was so hesitant and so unsure about how to act around her. "What happened?" she asked sympathetically, laying a hand on his shoulder.

James seemed to realize he could give some sort of affection without being thrown out a window. He hugged her gently, feeling her body tense up at first, but then she calmed down. She was learning t deal with it, to accept his touch, and it made him happier than he could ever express.

James let go, leading Lily to her chair, and he stood behind it, keeping his hands on her shoulders as he spoke.

"What happened?" asked Remus when James didn't answer Lily.

James shrugged. "He's being ridiculous."

Lily blinked, looking up at him. "But…what, exactly, happened?"

James waved his hand, signaling he wanted to move onto another topic.

"How are you today?" he asked.

Lily sighed. She wanted to know what happened. "Fine, I guess." She couldn't very well force him, could she?

"How's Lindsey?"

"Not doing well," Lily answered honestly. "I just can't bel—" No. She couldn't start talking about Sirius again.

"If your cousin kills one of my relatives, promise not to ditch me?" Lily had obviously spent too much time with the marauders. The teasing outlook on life seemed so much simpler.

James smiled. "Can I sit with you?"

"Sure," she said, moving over to make space, but it did little good. The chair was so small that she ended up on James' lap anyway. "Was that your evil plan?" she asked, leaning her back against his chest, exhausted.

Remus glanced at Peter. The latter didn't seem to be interested in the scene before them the way Remus was. Remus put his book down, unnoticed by the others, and leaned his head on his head, his elbow already on the armrest.

James had wanted this forever. He'd dreamed of having Lily since about age eleven. Remus was happy for him; he really was, but he couldn't help being just a tiny bit jealous. Sure, James and Lily were going to have a rocky relationship, but a rocky love was better than no at all.

"I have a surprise for you," said James. He lifted Lily from his lap so that they were both standing. He then ran upstairs to get his stuff.

Lily raised her eyebrow at Remus. "You think he'll make it out of there okay?"

"Sirius will probably ignore his entrance," Remus replied, looking just as confused with the surprise as Lily was.

Not a moment later, he came rushing back down with a book in hand. "I got this for you. It just came today."

"Came…" Lily repeated slowly, taking the book in her hands. _Fabrications. _It was a new copy of the book she'd torn apart that one evening. Realization hit her. "You ordered this in from a muggle shop? James, that's so sweet of you."

"Well, I know how much you wanted to read it…still never quite understood why you ripped it, but there you are."

Lily smiled, leaning up to kiss him. "Thank you."

"No problem. I already know I'm going to have to compete with books in our relationship," he said, laughing.

"Relationship," she repeated. It sounded so strange to her.

"It's weird for me too," he said, reading her thoughts.

Remus groaned, not caring if they heard his annoyance. "I'm going upstairs."

"See you, Remmy," James said with a wave. Remus nodded, but said nothing.

"So, do you feel protected by that prefect over there?" James whispered, nodding towards John.

Lily furrowed her brow, confused. "What?" she asked.

"Well, I know how being alone with me is still sort of new for you, so—" he paused, "do you feel like that guy will jump at me if I start something? Because, if you don't feel safe, we could just—"

Lily rolled her eyes. "It's fine. _I'm _fine, really."

James nodded, scooting his way back into the chair, letting Lily down on his legs again. "I want to read my book," she said excitedly.

James smiled at the anticipation in her voice. If only he could get so excited about such a thing!

"Go ahead, Lil," he said kindly, wrapping an arm around her waist.

Lily took out her book, opened it, and then she promptly closed it. "Tell me about your fight with Sirius."

"Can't we just enjoy a relaxing moment?"

"I've changed my mind," she said. "Tell me about Snape."

James raised an eyebrow. "What about him?"

"You mentioned in Potions that there were reasons for things…and, things I didn't know or understand. Help me understand. I want to know everything, and if this is going to work, I'm going to have to know."

James thought that was fair enough, though he didn't particularly want to explain anything.

"It all starts with my sister," said James, taking a deep breath.

"Your sister?" asked Lily, confused. "I thought you were an only child."

"Well, technically, I am."

Author's Note: Short, yes. Don't kill me. If it makes you all feel any better, I've written the first chapter of a new story, and I'm posting it tonight. That make up for the shortness? Please review.


	22. Seriously

Author's Note: So…hmm. I know I had something to say, but I can't seem to remember it lol. I hope you enjoy this. :) Dude, did anyone see Degrassi today? Spinner! I want to cry. :(

Lily bit her lip. Was there ever going to be a day when neither one of them had a painful story to tell? How long would it take before every piece of awful, but necessary, information was out in the open? If only she had James a year earlier.

"When I was about eight, my sister started becoming really…withdrawn, but she was only four, so I didn't really think it was—hormones or anything," he said, the corners of his lip moving upward in a small smile.

Lily wasn't sure if she was supposed to laugh at his comment. She nodded to show that she was still with him.

James shifted uncomfortably on the chair. Rubbing the back of his neck, he continued reluctantly.

"You, of all people, know the troubles of divorce," said James. Lily remembered James' reaction when she'd told him her, story, when he broke the Head Boy badge. She saw that same emotion flash through his eyes again, and she carefully held her book out of his reach. The poor novel had been through enough disturbances.

To her relief, James didn't try to destroy anything.

"I don't know if you remember, but Snape's parents were going through—I don't know if it was a divorce—a separation? The point is, my mother—God help her—got along quite well with his."

Lily thought about how close she had lived to Sever, and stopped to wonder if James and his family had ever visited the town, but Severus had never said anything about having visitors, and if she stayed on that thought…Lily had never once been over. Snape had said his mother wasn't very fond of houseguests.

"He and his mother would come over all the time. My parents seemed to think that if they were friends with his mother, we, as their children, had to be."

"And…were you?" she asked, expecting that the answer was surely a 'no'.

"We didn't hate each other," said James truthfully. "We weren't particularly friendly. He'd sit in my room with me. He'd read a book I'd listen to music…or sleep, whatever. It wasn't as if either one of us bothered the other in any way. We barely noticed each other."

Lily nodded. She tried to imagine the two boys sitting peacefully in a room together. After so many years of watching them antagonize each other, the image seemed simply unbelievable in her eyes.

"His dad never came," said James. "As I remember it, his mom came mostly so they could get away from the man."

Lily could have predicted that after all the things he had told her when they were kids.

James nudged Lily a bit, signaling her to get up. He got off the chair to pace for a bit. Lily knew that it was almost impossible for him to tell a story any other way.

"Look, I don't know what the hell happened, but…I guess…"

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Hmm?"

James continued pacing, refusing to look anywhere near her. She couldn't have been sure, but it looked to her like he was close to tears.

"My sister was sick," he said. "Mentally. She was always, _always, _my responsibility. It drove me absolutely insane, much as I loved her and all. She didn't—she didn't have much control over her own actions."

"She was four," said Lily in the child's defense.

James nodded, acknowledging her comment. "To this day, I still have no idea what happened, but as my sister got weaker, people become crueler. There was a man who worked at the ministry…he came over to 'help' her, but when he left, she began to cry.

"We never had her diagnosed, but we tried as hard as we could to _deal _with her problems."

Lily was confused. James seemed to be jumping from topic to topic, saying things that didn't have much to do with one another. Her head was spinning. This story definitely wasn't going to have a happy ending.

"I don't—I don't want to think about anyone hurting her, just like I don't want to think about anyone's—anyone's hands on you," James said, his voice breaking.

"James," Lily whispered helplessly.

"He said he didn't do anything," James said, talking over her.

"Explain that again," said Lily.

James sighed. He _still _had his back to her. Didn't he realize that Lily knew he was crying?

"Like I told you, so many people in our town knew about her problems because it was baffling to us that the healers couldn't figure it out. Everyone was in our business about it, and mum was afraid to ask anyone to watch her…only _I _knew how to handle her besides my parents.

"I was ten years old when my mother had an emergency at work, and my dad was already _at _work, so it was just Snape, my sister, and I. As usual, we were doing just fine. You may not believe this, but my trouble making was kept to a minimum when my sister was around. I had to be concerned about her twenty four hours a day, seven days a week."

"And you were afraid of people being alone with her?" asked Lily.

Even if she couldn't understand his sister's problem, she understood James' protectiveness.

"They enjoyed watching her hurt herself," said James, finally turning around to meet her eyes.

"And she would do whatever it was?" asked Lily, horrified. "That's awful."

"My cousin—he—he was little, mind you, thought it would be funny to her try to twist her leg around…only, she wouldn't _stop _even if she were in pain, so we had no way of knowing—"

James ran his hand through his hair, glancing nervously at the door. No one seemed to be coming in, though. Ever since the attacks began, people became sort of attached to their dormitories out of fear. Lily didn't know who James was thinking would come in because she wasn't sure there were any Gryffindors that weren't in the tower at that moment.

"Go on," Lily urged him as patiently as she could.

James nodded, his eyes still watering. "She didn't tell me until after he'd gone home. She came in, crying, talking about how much it hurt, and well—it's a good thing she came out of her room when she did because we had to take her to the hospital. They recommended we let her stay there to run tests on her. My mother decided that after what happened with my cousin, she couldn't trust anyone again, so her answer was no."

"Not even the healers?" asked Lily.

"No. I honestly think we'd gone a little mad with our worries. Also, they probably would have done blood tests, and my mum didn't want to put her through all of that when there was, most likely, no cure for whatever disorder she had anyway. It didn't matter to my mother, as long as we could make her feel better."

Lily nodded. It was understandable. She really couldn't see where Severus came into all of this, but she didn't want to rush him.

In a sick way, Lily was actually happy to be hearing this. No, she wasn't happy James had gone through pain in his life, but a small part of her liked to feel she wasn't the only one who had suffered. Helping James (not that she was doing much of it) made it easier to ignore her own feelings. Lily had always thought James' life was a breeze. Maybe (and this was a huge maybe) it wasn't.

"Snape was alone with her for no more than ten minutes. I went into the basement, and I already told you my parents had left. So, I heard noises, and when I came up, my sister was freaking out, grabbing her stomach. The moment I walked in, Snape started explaining, 'I really didn't do anything. She just started throwing herself into the door.' I could believe that. My sister actually had a tendency to do such things.

"However, I lashed out on him anyway. I just thought…anyone who takes advantage of my sister would _not _get away with it. All rational thought was gone. She was crying hysterically, and I just lost it."

"What did you do?" she asked, fearing the worst.

"Well, I just told him to leave. I didn't care if he had to wait for his mother. I told him to leave, and I think he was rather scared of me, so he left."

"Wow," said Lily. "Did you ever find out if he really did it?"

James laughed humorlessly. "Never saw the point, really."

"What happened after he left?" asked Lily. "Did either of you get in trouble? Did he ever come back?"

"No. I didn't get in trouble. I told my mother what happened, and my parent didn't really speak to me for the remainder of that day. Snape didn't come back; neither did his mom. The thing about my sister—she—well, she died a week later."

No matter how sure Lily had been, from the beginning of the conversation, that James' sister had died, she could not stop herself from being shocked when hearing it aloud.

"How?" she asked.

James put his hand on his forehead, hoping to prevent a headache. "Honestly, Lil—I don't know."

"You know…know?"

James finally gave up his fake tranquility, and let his frustration out. "Lily, I don't even KNOW! What an amazing brother I am, right?" he said, forcing his hands into tight fists, his knuckles turning white.

"Shh," said Lily, standing up to hug him. James accepted numbly. He didn't quite hold onto her.

"What kind of a brother am I?" he repeated.

Lily didn't think he wanted an answer, but she still gave him one. "James," she said, holding him at arm's length, her hands tightly gripped his shoulder. It looked a bit strange because of the height difference, but her power wasn't lost on him.

"You are a good brother," she said strongly. "You cared about your sister very much," said Lily. "I mean, that's more than I can say for my sibling."

"But Lily," James protested desperately, "she could have just strangled herself to death, but we didn't even know because we left her alone for a nap."

Lily tried to block out the painful image of a little four-year-old girl, holding her arms around her neck until she could no longer breathe or, perhaps she had performed unintentional magic. Either way, the thought of a child committing suicide without any idea of what she was doing was absolutely terrifying.

Lily shook her head, pulling James to her again. This hug, he accepted gratefully, holding his arms tightly around her small waist. "It'll all be okay," she said, not knowing what else too say to console him.

"I know I'm horrible to him," said James, "and I'm not going to pretend this was the reason. It's just…"

"I know," said Lily. She didn't need him to finish.

"I'm going to try to be better," James promised. He let got of her, wiping his eyes as he looked the other way. Was he actually going to pretend he hadn't been crying?

Lily smiled. "I know, James," she said again. "I know you will."

Unexpectedly, James picked up Lily's hand, studying it, interested. "You—you made me cry."

Lily felt insulted by that. "I didn't make you cry. The story did. I just—"

James chuckled. "No," he said. "That's my reason for today."

Not only had Lily forgotten about the reasons, but she was also surprised by that particular one.

"I mean, I've never cried in front of a girl before, and I was all right doing it in front of you," he said, shrugging.

Lily rolled her eyes. "You turned away," she reminded him.

"At _first." _

Lily smiled. "I'm not going to start an argument with you. Speaking of argument…"

"No," said James.

"Oh, come on. I basically know what it was about," she said. "Just tell me what happened."

"I want to just end depressing conversations for the night," he said.

James pulled Lily back over to the chair, stuck the book in her hand, and said, "I know you want to get your reading time.

Lily couldn't deny it. "I do."

Without another word, she buried herself in her book. "Thank you," she said again.

James nodded. "Maybe I'll go up to talk with him," said James, not looking too enthusiastic.

"Good idea," said Lily.

James kissed Lily's cheek, causing her to blush. She didn't think she'd ever get used to the idea of being with James—or any other boy for that matter.

James, however, seemed to think her reaction was a good one, and leaned in for a proper kiss.

"Different," he said, smiling. "You're just so damn different."

Lily shrugged self-consciously. Even though he was saying it in a kind, positive way, she couldn't help feeling rather embarrassed about her differences or her "uniqueness".

James went upstairs, leaving Lily alone to her reading. He saw, as he expected, that Sirius' bed hangings were closed, blocking out the world.

While Remus and Peter accepted the 'do not disturb' mood of his, James decided not to. He threw the hangings open furiously.

"Stop moping!" he said, re-closing the hangings with himself inside.

If the boys were surprised by James' sudden aggressive demeanor, they didn't show it.

"I'm not moping," Sirius said, pulling his knees to his chest. "Go the hell away."

"Oooooh," said James. "Your language is making me shake with fright," he said sarcastically.

Sirius shook his head tiredly. "Tell me why you came back to bother me. Go enjoy your girlfriend."

"I thought you were happy for me!" said James.

"I am."

"You're not. Sirius, it's not even like you have the right to be depressed about this because _you _dumped her."

"Shows how much you know about it," said Sirius cynically. "It was going to end this way."

"I—no. You hurt her, Sirius," said James, sitting down at the end of the bed. "You couldn't handle it anymore, could you? An actual relationship was too much for you."

"Don't even. That's not what this is about," said Sirius. He sounded exhausted, or just, perhaps, emotionally drained. "Look, you and Lily belong together. Lindsey and I don't."

James sighed. "You realize that if something happened to Lindsey, you'd seriously regret this decision."

Sirius shook his head. "No. We're better off. Now, as I said before, get the hell out of my business."

James thought about doing so. It definitely wasn't making his day, being yelled at and all. He had decided that before, hadn't he? If Sirius wanted him to butt out, James figured it would be the best way to prevent another fight. But, for some reason, he couldn't do it.

He and Sirius had never let anything out before, and thought it was mainly a continuation from the fight earlier, it was certainly time to get it out.

"I'm sick of you doing this to yourself," said James. He'd calmed down a bit, noticing that Sirius was silent. Even if he pretended he wasn't, James knew he was listening.

"I'm tired of watching you act like you don't deserve this. Someone gets hurt, you withdraw. If your girlfriend is upset, you are supposed to comfort germ bit back further away. It's not—"

"They're in MY family. I'm responsible," Sirius shouted back, not matching James' tenderness.

James blinked. "Sirius, no, you're not," he said softly.

Sirius rolled his eyes, and he made a strange movement, as if he was going to kick James off the bed, but then stopped mid-way. He settled for laying his legs out flat in front of him, and turning on his side slightly so that he didn't have to look at James.

"You need to get this through your head," said James forcefully. "It's not your responsibility what they do. We could sit here for hours arguing about it, Padfoot."

Using the nickname for the first time in the conversation was a big step in showing Sirius what it actually meant, how much they'd been through, what Sirius had truly done for Remus by becoming an animagus, what their friendship meant, and how different he really was from the rest of his family.

Sirius sighed. "There's a war out there…hell, in here even," he said.

James nodded. "I noticed."

"It's just…" Sirius paused, pulling himself into a normal position, making himself at eye-level with James. "I don't want you to one day regret befriending a member of the Noble House of Black. You never know who you can trust anymore," said Sirius, hoping James would see sense.

James smiled. "That what you're worried about?" he asked. "I can always trust you. I wouldn't care if you were from the most Noble House of Purple, Red, or Blue…however, white, we might have a problem with."

Sirius rolled his eyes at James' joke. "Seriously, though…I don't want to talk about Lindsey. Everything's just so complicated, and I just wish I had the power to change what I was born into. I wish that a lot."

"Padfoot…" said James slowly. "When did this _happen?" _

Sirius looked confused. Furrowing his brow, he asked, "What d'you mean?"

James frowned. "We are having a serious conversation, and not once—_once _did either one of us make the pun with your name or anything like it. What _happened?"_

"I blame Remus," said Sirius thoughtfully. "Or Lily. I actually blame Lily."

James glared. "I blame the war…"

"Damn war. Now we can't even make a good Serious—Sirius joke without feeling depressed," he said with a sigh. "This sucks."

James smirked. "_Seriously."_

Author's Note: Revvviiieww? Thanks?


	23. Holiday Season and a Shoe to the Head

Author's Note: Once again, I apologize for taking so freaking long. I'm trying to update this one and Sick before my dad's friends come over for dinner, so enjoy. Please review.

With everything else going on, the Christmas season seemed to sneak up on Lily and her friends so suddenly. Lily was surprised when she looked at her calendar and saw December twenty-second. James constantly asking her about what she wanted was the only reason she knew it was even the Christmas month.

The good news was: James and Lily were doing very well together. In fact, James was probably the _only _good thing going on for Lily. She had yet to hear from a family member since her mother's brief letter, and she hadn't a clue what was going on back home, let alone the Wizarding world.

Unfortunately, Lily couldn't say that Sirius and Lindsey were having the same success. Since the break up, Lindsey hadn't spoken a word to the boy. Not one. James had forgiven Sirius for his idiocy, but Lily wasn't sure she wanted to. Couldn't Sirius see how hard they'll all been trying to "discreetly" help them get back together?

Truthfully, though, Lily had promised herself she was going to stop worrying about it. Sirius didn't appreciate it when she did, nor did Lindsey. Therefore, whether she liked it or not, she was going to stay out of it and focus on the good things…like James.

"I'm trying to study," she said, irritated.

James sat next to her in the library, staying as quiet as he possibly could, as promised.

"I'm not talking," he said, clearly affronted.

Lily tried to concentrate on what she was reading. "The first three co…" she mouthed to herself. "What is that tapping?!" she asked, shutting her eyes tightly, trying to block out the sound.

"Sorry," said James immediately as he chastised his own foot for having upset Lily.

Lily tried not to smile before going back to her potions textbook.

"Lily?" James said hesitantly, as if he were a child who knew he was about to be reprimanded.

"Hmm?" she asked, barely paying attention.

"What do you want to be when we leave school?" he asked. "I know it's an odd time to bring it up…but you…with your talent. I'm just curious."

Lily reluctantly put her book down, facing the truth of the matter. She wasn't going to get back to work. "I…always wanted to be a teacher," she said. "Probably Potions. But lately, I've been thinking of being an Auror. I guess certain…happenings change your whole outlook on life. Sure, teaching kids would make me happy, but I'd feel better if I knew I was really doing something to stop this war."

James smiled. "I knew there was a reason I adored you." He leaned over to kiss her.

Lily pushed him away, raising an eyebrow, but smiled to show she wasn't sore. "You mean, besides the others?" she asked. "What's the reason this time, boy?"

"You have amazing hope, believing in these…miracles."

Lily's smile fell. "What do you mean? You don't want to help stop you-know-who?" she asked.

"No. I do," James said hurriedly. Lily closed her textbook, pleasing James greatly. "It's just—I hate to say it, but I don't think it's possible."

Lily felt the sudden urge to laugh disbelievingly. However, assuming it was inappropriate, she held that feeling back.

"You, James Potter, think it's impossible? Didn't you want to be an Auror as well?" she asked. "And, since when do you give up on anything?"

James sighed, leaning back in his chair lazily. Lily sensed he must have been trying to bring that up for quite some time. "It's just…we're a bunch of insignificant humans fighting this inhuman, monstrous, power-hungry fiend. I didn't say I'm not going to fight. I just admire your belief that we can win."

"We can."

James smiled sadly. "You almost make me believe that. And, to answer your unasked question, I'm _still _going to be an Auror."

James didn't say anymore, so Lily figured it would be safe to return to her studying, but she didn't. She couldn't. All of the things James said were running through her mind.

Could they really win the fight? She'd told herself it was a definite, but was it? They hadn't even come close, and the more power he gained, more people wanted to join him…and the more people that joined him, the more power he gained. Lily believed in miracles, yes, but was this too much to believe in?

"I can't do this anymore," she said, sighing.

"I'm sorry," said James, though he didn't look sorry at all. Lily was sure he was glad to be out of the library.

"I should confine you to the library all alone for ruining my studying time," she said, getting up and collecting her things.

James smirked teasingly, wrapping his arms around Lily's waist while she finished packing her bag. He leaned his chin on her shoulder. "Don't punish me because my good looks distract you."

"Oh, yes," said Lily, rolling her eyes. "You are unbelievable!" Lily struggled to get out of his grasp.

James' smile didn't fade, however. "Yeah, but you love me."

Lily finally managed to break free. She didn't let on how completely confused she was about love, especially when he used the word so frequently and easily.

"I want you to know I'm coming back tomorrow," said Lily confidently, strolling out the library doors with James on her tail.

James groaned. "But…it's almost _break, _Lily," he said, scandalized. "We're not even being tested on the stuff you're looking at."

Lily chose not to answer him. Thinking about break again, she was reminded of her father. What was going to happen now that she'd told the proper people about their secret? Would he be arrested? Would there be a trial? Would she have to speak? Would she have to see him?

Was she even going home for break? More importantly, did they even want her there?

Lily's heart dropped into the pit of her stomach. She remembered the New Year's Eve wedding her sister was planning. Lily knew that if she went home, everything would be focused on Petunia, and she hadn't even been _invited _to the wedding…at least, not by Petunia. James was certainly going home. There was even talk from Sirius that his mother might not allow him to return. Lily couldn't imagine that.

"Lil?"

Lily forced herself to ignore the thoughts to answer James. "Yeah?"

James took her hand in his own, one of the only sources of comfort James had gotten her to accept without having to give warning first.

"What's up?" he asked.

Lily shrugged. "I'm just thinking about break and all," she said.

James squeezed her hand lovingly. "That should make you happy, Lily. What are you so worried about?"

Lily sighed. "Roots, right?" she asked the bored portrait of the Fat Lady.

"You tell me," she replied.

"Yeah, roots," said James, rolling his eyes. "Now, tell me," he said once they had walked through the portrait hole.

"I don't think I'm going home," she said reluctantly. "I don't even know what _I_ want to do, but it seems they don't want me there anyway."

"Come home with me," said James immediately, as if he'd been planning it since she opened her mouth. "My parents would be pleased to have a girl around they've practically adopted Sirius."

The idea sounded appealing, and Lily had to admit she thought there was a chance James would ask her, but could she really go? What if, suddenly, news came from her parents, and Lily had to then tell her mother she was staying with another family for their most celebrated holiday? After all, it wasn't her mother's fault that Petunia wouldn't have her.

"I don't know," she answered. "They don't know me."

"They'll ask me to invite you anyway…after Sirius tells them all about our relationship," said James, laughing. "Pleeeeease," he begged.

"We'll see," said Lily softly, sitting down on the couch next to him. "Where are the boys?" she asked, sure that she already knew the answer.

"The boys," James repeated. "I'm not one of them?"

Lily ignored him. "James?"

James shrugged, playing with Lily's hands. "Sirius goes right up to bed as soon as classes are over. It's kind of pathetic."

Lily nodded. "Sad."

"Happy topics," James demanded. "Christmas is coming!"

Lily smiled, leaning into him. "Yeah, it is. I like Christmas."

"Me too!"

Lily looked down at their hands. James continued to pay close attention to hers, drawing small circles on her palm with his index finger. "There must be something you want."

James had been asking the same question for weeks in not-so-creative ways. He would try to bring the question up at an unexpected time just to shock her into answering with, "ACTUALLY, THERE IS!" It wasn't quite working.

"Noooo," said Lily, laughing at his poor tactics. "There's nothing, James. Besides, didn't you already say it doesn't matter if I won't tell you because you've gotten me something anyway?"

"Well, I have, but there's got to be something that you choose yourself. Come on. There's something."

Lily shook her head. "James, there is nothing. Honestly."

James stopped asking, turning his full attention back to her hand. "Whatever you say, love."

"You two are SO cute!"

Lily jumped, turning to look at the girl who had spoken. She was so shocked that she didn't know how to respond.

James, however, smiled at the girl. "You came over to say that?" he asked, obviously happy being noticed.

The girl nodded, giggling. Lily pegged her to be…fifteen. "Thank you," said Lily loudly, though she made her voice forceful enough to drive the girl away.

The brunette took the hint. "Bye," she said before going to rejoin her friends beside the staircase.

James shook his head. "You're cruel."

"Mhmm, I know," said Lily. "And you thought she was pretty." But she wasn't angry. She rolled her eyes at James' look.

At around eleven-thirty, James decided to give in to both sleep and Lily's need to study, so, after bidding her good-night, he went off to bed. She seemed to appreciate the space after a whole day by his side.

James was surprised to see Lindsey in the dormitory he shared with his friends. As far as he knew, the two hadn't spoken in weeks. Sirius was sitting on his bed across from her.

James didn't even ask why she was there. He was sure the others were just as confused as he was. Besides, if they got back together, it was a good thing.

"Hi, James," said Lindsey. She looked…half-dead. It may not have been the most pleasant description, but it certainly fit her well.

"Hello, Lindsey," he said, as opposed to asking, 'Who are you?'

James sat down on his bed, pulling his shoes and socks off. "You two busy?"

James wished he hadn't asked quite like that. Maybe he should have asked, "Will you help me with something…or are you talking about something that can't wait?" He made it seem like he was asking if they were having _sex, _for heaven's sake.

"I mean," he went on foolishly, "are you talking about something that—"

Sirius laughed. "James."

"Yeah?" He was glad Sirius had decided to interrupt him.

"What is it?" he asked, rolling his eyes. "I'm guessing you need something."

James thought that if they weren't together, it might not be a good idea to bring up his questions…about a girlfriend. It might prove to be awkward.

"I don't know what to get Lily for Christmas," he said, distressed.

Right away, Sirius said, "A book."

Lindsey sighed, pushing Sirius slightly. "I think James wants to get her something she doesn't find every day."

"An _amazing _book," Sirius amended. "If there…is one," he muttered.

"A book isn't…" James searched for the appropriate word.

"…romantic."

Sirius snorted. "Hey, Moony!" he called loudly. When Remus was immersed in a book, there was almost nothing but a shout that could disrupt him. Living with the marauders, he'd developed great concentration.

"What?" he asked, rolling onto his other side to face them.

"What's something romantic? Do you think books are?"

Remus raised an eyebrow. "I don't think books are _romantic. _I certainly like them."

Lindsey laughed. It must have been the first time in a long time James had even heard her chuckle. "What about jewelry?"

"I'm already giving her that," said James.

"She's getting more than one gift? Oooh, lucky girlfriend," said Lindsey. James saw some of the old Lindsey in that statement…not only was it pre-Harry's death, but also it seemed to be pre-boyfriend.

"I know so much about her, so why can't I think of something she'll love?" asked James.

"You'll think of something," said Remus confidently, sitting down next to Lindsey on Sirius' bed. James laid down on his own.

"Yeah." Lindsey agreed.

"What if I don't? I want Lily to think, 'Okay, wow. This boy really is in love with me.' And then I can be satisfied, knowing I made her realize that."

"Love?" asked Lindsey, surprised. "You love her?"

"Don't get him started," Sirius warned.

"Does anyone have an idea or what?" James asked.

Lindsey looked around at the boys she was willingly (for how long, she couldn't say) sitting in a room with. "I think James should wait for inspiration. If Lily found out we basically told him what to get—it just wouldn't be special anymore."

"I agree," said Remus. "She knows you have money. Buying what we suggest won't impress her. Like I said before, you'll think of something."

Satisfied, even if James was not, with the end to the conversation, they let it drop. James collapsed onto his bed.

"I should go," said Lindsey. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Bye," they said, but it was clear that Lindsey was only talking to one boy.

"Well, I'm going back to my bed," said Remus, walking the short distance to his four-poster, and pulling the hangings around him. "G'night."

"Night," said Sirius and James.

Sirius avoided James' eyes while getting under the covers of his own bed. "You know…I'm kind of tired," he said, turning away from him.

"Ooooh, no. Why was she in here, Padfoot?" asked James. There was no way Sirius would be getting away without telling him.

"We were talking," he said simply.

"For the first time in forever," James continued in a whisper, so as not to disturb the others. "Now, what were you talking _about?" _

"Things," said Sirius.

"Bu—"

"James, go to sleep before I throw a shoe at your head."

James laughed. "Yes, Sir."

James waited a moment or two before he finally spoke again. "So, are you two back together or not?"

At first, there was silence. James was convinced Sirius must have fallen asleep already, but he merely grabbed a shoe so fast that James had no time to react, turned around, and threw it right, as promised, at his head.

Sirius then gave a grunt of approval at his handy-work, and turned back around. "I warned you, Prongs."

"Good-_night," _said James, rubbing the top of his head.

Author's Note: More action in next chapter. Really. Please review. :) I'm off to attempt updating Sick by tomorrow, but if I don't, it's all good because I have Monday off to write more. Yayy.


	24. Humiliation

Author's Note: Okay, so I had a surgery…and my whole face got pretty swollen. I was on medication, had to let the anesthesia wear off, then I was nauseous. Then, of course, the stitches in my gums were bothering me, and I still can't eat. It's been about thirty-four hours since I've had an actual meal besides pudding or yogurt or whatever. Anyway, enough complaining. I'm home from school, trying to catch up on some things, and I just want to let you know: I don't know if I like this chapter, so I really really need reviews. (I always do, but this chapter in particular because I'm very insecure about it.) I really need to know what you think. Thanks.

"Go away," said Lily, clutching her books to her chest nervously, glad that she'd gone bag-less. Having books in her hand made her feel much safer.

She wanted to close her eyes, but she didn't think that was the best idea while walking down to the common room.

"Aww, but we just wanted to have some _fun_," Avery replied, draping his arm around her shoulder.

"We?" Lily asked. "I see no one else around."

"You and I, Evans," he clarified.

Lily didn't try to move his arm as he walked beside her. She hoped he'd get bored if she didn't react.

"So, I hear you and Potter are a thing now?" he said conversationally.

Lily's body tensed up noticeably. She was _not _enjoying this. Lily nodded. "Umm…I hav—"

"It's probable that Snape wouldn't bother to come to your rescue then…if you've completely betrayed him this way."

Lily furrowed her brow in confusion. What the hell was that supposed to mean? If Snape saw she was being tortured, he wouldn't help her, just because she was dating James? He'd really be that angry? He'd gone against her first!

"Just go away," she said desperately, "please."

The Slytherin, however, merely laughed. "What's the harm in hanging around with me, Evans? You should be lucky enough! I don't give the time of day to many people of…your kind."

Despite the fear in her heart, Lily was able to laugh. "Oh, I'm honored."

Avery let the arm fall from her shoulder to her waist, tightening around her middle. Lily inhaled sharply.

"It's not that hard to give in, Evans," he said suggestively.

Lily thought of a few insults she could throw at him, but decided to give him a naïve attitude.

"Give into what?" she asked, giving him a confused glance.

Avery laughed, making Lily unsure about whether he believed her or not. "Let's take a little walk, love," he said. "Or will the Head Girl," he let his hand slide under the back of Lily's shirt, "have to do something about my awful behavior?"

"Do not touch me," she warned.

Avery seemed to realize people were beginning to show up in the hallway because he grabbed Lily's wrist tightly, and he pulled her out of sight into the empty Arithmancy room.

"Embarrassed to be seen with a Mudblood?" she asked, strongly wishing she were brave enough to attack him.

"Wand please, Evans?" he asked, attempting to sound kind. Lily knew he'd get it from her either way, so she handed it over willingly.

Avery pocketed her wand, and he took her hand in his own, pushing her up against the wall by the door. "Relax," he said, running his fingers down her arms. Lily refused to react.

Professor Vector would surely be back soon enough. She hadn't locked her door, after all. Lily kept that thought in her mind as Avery ran his hand slowly down onto her thigh.

Lily remained still, barely breathing. This was _not _happening to her. Eventually, she realized that if she didn't push him away, he would just keep going. Maybe…Professor Vector _wasn't _on her way back.

Not thinking about the fact that she was not nearly as strong as her rival, Lily pushed him off of her. He was caught by surprise, but that didn't stop him from overpowering her.

"Lily Evans, I am not afraid to hurt you," he said, tightly holding onto her wrist, increasing the pressure when she tried to move. "Do not make me."

"You already are," she said, more to the floor than to the boy.

"Are you kidding me?" James shouted, gaping at his best friend. "Are you two getting back together then?"

Sirius shrugged nonchalantly. "You want to go to lunch or something?" he asked. "We're up a bit late for breakfast, and Moony and Wormtail are pro—"

"Excuse me? That's _it?" _said James, shocked. "Padfoot—"

"Hungry," said Sirius, ignoring James.

James reluctantly followed Sirius down the staircase to the common room.

"Is it for sure?" whispered James, desperately seeking more information, considering Sirius was being skimpy with it.

"No," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "That's why I said it's 'possible'."

James frowned at Sirius' lack of…well, any proper reaction. "Do you realize how life-changing this is?" he asked, eyeing him closely.

Sirius ignored him, walking straight through groups of friends to get to the portrait hole.

James trailed behind his fast-walking friend, urgently trying to get a reaction from him. "If Lindsey is—"

"Are you done?" Sirius asked, rubbing his temples. He seemed more stressed than angry. "Can't you even take a hint?"

"You don't want to talk about it," James stated.

"_Yes," _said Sirius.

James decided to let it go. He couldn't imagine being in Sirius' position…how he must have been feeling. It was just one thing after another for the boy.

James and Sirius were not surprised to see that even less people were in the Great Hall than the day before. "This is ridiculous," said James, shaking his head. "Do they think they'll really be much safer at home?"

Sirius shrugged. "I wouldn't go back to my house if you paid me."

James snorted. "Well, obviously."

The two of them found seats by Remus and Peter. Remus had a copy of The Daily Prophet in one hand, a fork in the other. Peter read over his shoulder.

James was glad they paid no attention. He didn't feel much like giving away Sirius' secret with his eyes.

"Where's Lily?" Sirius asked, turning curiously to James.

James shrugged, reaching for a biscuit. "Her room?"

Lily was never in her life so happy to hear Professor Vector's voice…even if it meant she was being caught in an awful situation.

"I wasn't aware I let anyone use this room," she said.

Lily closed her eyes. She was humiliated. She couldn't imagine what this _teacher _was thinking. Here was Lily Evans, Head Girl, against the wall of a classroom, her blouse unbuttoned, robes on the ground, a boy's arms around her. Lily could feel hot tears beginning to blur her vision.

"Do you have anything to say, or will you just continue to pretend I'm not here?" asked Professor Vector.

Lily, holding back tears, shakily buttoned her shirt, picked up her robes, and turned to her teacher. How was she going to face this woman in class after break?

:"I'm so sorry," she said, not bothering to tell her that it hadn't been her choice to be there. "I'll just be going now."

Lily pulled away from Avery (who looked as though he would be talking his way out of any sort of trouble), and she walked out of the room.

"I expected better from you," said the teacher, clearly disappointed.

Lily was disappointed as well.

If no one else was getting herself into this position more than once, she had to be doing something wrong.

She wanted to be with James. She wanted to see him, but at the same time, she was angry with him. It was an irrational anger, of course. It wasn't James' fault at all…what happened, but she was afraid—afraid of something like this happening again, and James hadn't been there. He'd been sleeping.

She knew he wasn't going to be happy when she told him—_if _she told him. Lily would have been surprised if Avery turned up dead the morning after. She remembered his reaction when he heard about her father…and Avery was a friend of Snape's. James certainly wouldn't be happy.

Lily _didn't _want to see him anymore. She knew that the moment she did, she'd unleash unnecessary anger, and she wanted to calm down before they spoke. It wasn't James' _fault. _It was _hers. _There was something about her that must have screamed out, 'Come molest me.'

Oh, how she hated herself at that moment.

While Remus and Peter walked with them back to the common room, James and Sirius hung further back, muttering. "Are you planning on telling everyone else?" asked James, his hands buried deep in his pockets.

"Not unless we find out if she definitely…is," said Sirius, sighing.

"Only me? Wow, I'm so special, aren't I?" asked James, smiling childishly. "Come on, smile."

Sirius tried to look amused, but failed. "I want to tell them," he gestured towards Remus and Peter who were deep in conversation, "but I just want this between us for now."

James nodded his understanding. "I promise I won't say anything."

"What are you two whispering about?" asked Remus, slowing down to their pace. "Telling secrets?" he asked teasingly.

James chuckled, glancing at Sirius. "Just talking about my lovely girlfriend," he replied easily.

Unfortunately for Lily, when she walked into the common room, the marauders, and specifically, James, were already there waiting for her.

Lily had so many different emotions running through her when she walked through that door: Anger, fear, pain, embarrassment, _abandonment_ (which she knew didn't make much sense, but that didn't stop it from taking over her), and just…plain unhappiness.

James rushed over to her. "Hey," he said immediately, leaning over to kiss her.

Lily backed away, and James raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"I have…to go upstairs…before," she began mumbling to herself. James blinked.

"Lily?"

"Stop," Lily demanded. "I don't want to yell at you."

James suddenly felt that…that awful feeling he used to get every time Lily turned him down. Only, it was worse…because, as far as he knew, he hadn't done anything. He felt his heart fall into the pit of his stomach.

"Lily…" he said slowly.

James realized that she was close to crying, and it looked as though she had been already. She rubbed tears out of her eyes. Her face was red with either anger or shame. He couldn't tell.

"Why are—"

"I said I don't want to get angry with you, James!"

They had won the attention of the other three marauders easily, as they were so surprised at the way Lily was greeting him.

"Does anyone know what he did?" Peter whispered. It wasn't necessary. James and Lily weren't close enough to hear him, anyway.

"Well, they were fine when we went to bed last night," said Sirius, shrugging, watching the two intently.

"Yeah, and he didn't see her this morning…so, it's not like—he couldn't have left our room, done something stupid, and come back to bed. Could he have?" asked Remus frantically.

"Shh—shh, no," said Sirius, rolling his eyes. At least, James and Lily's problem distracted him from his own.

"So, where's Lindsey been today?" asked Peter, ruining the worry-free moment Sirius had been enjoying. "After last night in our room, I as—"

"Later," said Sirius, watching Lily intently.

"Well…aren't you already angry with me!" said James. "Lily…just, all I wanted to ask was: how come you're holding your robes?"

"They're dirty," said Lily.

Lily really wanted to hit him. She couldn't help the unpleasant thought, but it made her even angrier with herself. James didn't do anything wrong. So…he wanted to sleep on a Sunday morning. She granted him that right. When Lily logically thought about it, she knew the anger she held wasn't even about James. But logic wasn't doing her well at that moment.

"Don't say another word, please," said Lily, afraid she would say something she didn't mean if he didn't let her go. "Just let me go upstairs."

"Lily, wait," said James, grabbing her wrist.

It was partly because she'd been grabbed there before, and it hurt, partly because she wasn't thinking clearly, and partly because she was too upset to hold it back…but whatever the main reason was didn't matter.

Lily pulled her hand away, as his grip wasn't _that _tight, and slapped him across the face. "Don't _touch _me."

James felt the spot on his cheek where she'd hit him. "Lily, I'm sorry. I just want to know what I did in the _first_ place to make you angry. Now, you have actual reason to be." He sighed. He should have remembered Lily's fear of touch. They'd gotten to a point where James always asked her first.

Lily rolled her eyes. "I'm going upstairs," she said, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'll see you later."

When Lily disappeared into her room, James had to take a second to process what happened. Lily wasn't very happy to see him. She was crying, and when James asked what was going on, she turned to leave. He grabbed her, and he was hit.

"Does anyone know why I'm in trouble?" he asked the entire common room. James knew everyone was always aware of his business. "I really need to know what I did."

James glanced at Remus. "_You _can't figure it out?" he asked.

Remus reluctantly shook his head. "Sorry, James," he said, walking over to him to speak more privately. He ushered Sirius and Sirius to come with him.

"She was _crying," _he said when he reached him.

"I know," said James, running his hand through his hair.

"So, I wouldn't suggest touching her after that warning," said Sirius jokingly.

James groaned, remembering that his friends had no idea about Lily's past experiences. Of course, James and Lily were going to keep it that way, but James' constant questions on what he was allowed to do probably confused them.

"I'm not even going to be able to _talk _to her," he said. "Jeez, everything was going SO well."

"I know, mate," said Sirius sympathetically, patting him on the shoulder.

"Maybe I said something stupid last night!" said James. "Maybe—maybe!"

"Lindsey!" Sirius exclaimed, seeing her come into the common room.

"Where's she been all day?" Remus whispered to Peter. Peter shrugged in response.

"Good luck with Lily," said Sirius quickly. "I have to go talk…to her and—"

"Yeah," said James, knowing Sirius had more to worry about than why Lily was angry. "Go ahead."

James watched as Sirius walked over to Lindsey. Suddenly, he wished Sirius _hadn't_ told him why Lindsey had been in their room (even though he risked another shoe thrown at the head to hear about it), and he really wished Sirius hadn't told him where Lindsey had been all day…

…because James saw Lindsey's face, and she didn't look happy. And James was afraid of what that meant.

Author's Note: Actually, I liked it more than how it started when I was typing the beginning of the chapter, but…I'm still insecure about this one, so PLEASE review. :) I'm going to try to update Sick tomorrow, so yeah. Hope you liiiiiiked it.


	25. A Serious Discussion

**Author's Note: Okay, this is in regards to three or four reviews that said people were confused about why Lily pretty much let Avery take over.**

**First of all, Lily **_**was, **_**as some of you pointed out, feeling much stronger and trusting, but the fact that this happened to her again scared her. It made her think, "If I start trusting people, the way I did my father, is this going to happen yet again?" However, she admits earlier on that James would never do that to her because he loves her, the way her father (and Avery) never did. She trusts James, and she'll open up to him, she'll fight him **_**because **_**she's not afraid of him. She's not afraid of someone that shows he'll do anything for her. However, she knew Avery wouldn't stop. James **_**would.**_** Also, she thought that it was very possible they'd be interrupted. After all, it was an open classroom. Generally, if a teacher isn't going to be back for a while, he'll lock his or her door.**

**Lily didn't want to walk away with bruises because then she'd have a LOT of explaining to do, yes? She figured the safest way to get out of upsetting James would be to let it calmly happen. Unlike Lily? Yes. But another thing was…Lily felt (irrationally, of course) that if something so terrible was happening, and it had happened more than once, that she must have been bringing it on in some way, and therefore, might have believed that she deserved to be punished. It was mainly her guilt of feeling like she "betrayed" James that made her think that she was deserved to be treated badly. Remember: she doesn't have the greatest amount of self-esteem at some points.**

**If it makes you all feel better lol, Lily does feel bad that she let it happen. In fact, you'll see in this chapter and later on that Lily wants to avoid telling James because she partly blames herself, and that's part of the reason she wants him to go away. James, however, is so hurt that they're back in this, "Step away from me" phase. See, Lily wasn't able to say it to Avery, so she settles for saying it to James.**

**Okay, does that all make sense? Does any of that make you understand my ways better? I'm sorry if you thought Lily seemed like an inconsistent character, but I really don't think she is.**

**Longest author's note ever! Anyway, please enjoy this chapter, and if I made anything better with that description, please tell me! Lol. Also, let me know if you still have any questions or comments about it. In other words, review! Lol.**

_It's all about soul. It's all about joy that comes out of sorrow. It's all about soul—who's standing now, who's standing tomorrow. (Billy Joel—All About Soul)_

"Wh—what about you?" James asked a shy blonde. "I bet _you _want to go ask her what's wrong."

Remus rolled his eyes. "James, do you really think Lily will tell a stranger her problems?"

James sighed, letting the girl go back to her previous activities. He turned to Remus, annoyed. "Why the hell don't they let boys up there? It's so unfair."

Peter nodded. "As you've said," he said, "about a hundred times."

James resisted the urge to bang his head into the table beside him. He glanced over to the staircase where Lindsey and Sirius had gone to talk privately, wondering what he possibly could have done to hurt Lily.

As soon as Lily got to her room, she took a shower. For one thing, she wanted to be able to cry without any questions from her roommates. For another, she didn't want to feel dirty any longer.

She leaned her forehead against the shower wall, letting tears fall freely down her face as the hot water rushed down her body.

"So stupid," she whispered, banging her fist into the wall. "So damn stupid."

Lily didn't really know what she was talking about, but saying it felt pretty good. She knew she should probably think about apologizing to James, and maybe tell him what had gone on, but she didn't know if she could.

When she was ready, Lily turned off the shower, and she grabbed a towel. She changed into a sweatshirt and jeans, deciding to do without her robes for the rest of the day.

Lily opened the bathroom door, greeted with silence. She walked out of her room, down the stairs, and into the common room.

Lily sighed, watching James next to Remus and Peter, looking distraught because of her, his head in his hands.

Lily cautiously walked over to where he was, tapping him on the shoulder. Remus instinctively moved over, assuming that Lily would want to sit next to her boyfriend. James looked up immediately.

"I'm sorry," he said hastily. "I'd—"

"No," said Lily, shaking her head. She sat down on the couch next to him, laying her head on his shoulder. She was completely confused. One second, she was running from him. The next second, she was running to him, begging for his protection from the big scary world…and his _love_, the love that she wasn't even sure she felt for him.

Had she ever loved anyone? Her mother immediately came to mind, but she had avoided her, tried to stay away from her as much as possible. Maybe she never did love her. Maybe she just knew she was supposed to. Maybe…too much had happened that prevented her from loving her mother. Maybe she was screwed up. Very.

"There's something wrong with me," said Lily, speaking of so many things.

James, just thankful to be next to her again, pulled her closer. "No, there's not."

Lily nodded into his shoulder, pulling her knees up to her chest. "You weren't there," said Lily, her voice shaking. She was definitely going crazy. "I need—I need to go with you for break."

James was surprised, but certainly pleased. "Sure. Come!" he said.

"Don't leave me alone," she said. She sounded so damn pathetic. She hated this.

"I won't," James promised.

Lily loved that part about him. He had absolutely no idea what she was talking about, what she meant by it, and how she felt, but still—he said confidently that he wouldn't leave her alone. He didn't ask, 'what?' or 'why?'. He just promised to do exactly as she wanted—as she needed him to do.

"James," she said quietly.

"Hmm?" James looked down at her, running his fingers gently through her hair.

"I think…I love you."

Remus, catching small bits of their conversation, muttered, "Then, there **must **be something wrong with you."

Lily laughed, and Remus earned himself a smack on the head from James.

Sirius came down the stairs—without Lindsey—and ran straight to his friends.

"Talk to you?" he asked breathlessly, looking unsurely in Lily's direction. She knew that she wasn't supposed to hear.

"Go ahead. I'm going to write my mum, telling her I'll be going with you. You're sure they'll allow me, James? I mean, they don't even—"

"Of course," said James, squeezing her hand reassuringly.

Lily smiled, walking away so that the boys could be alone. James bit his lip, afraid to find out the truth. "So, you two talked?"

Sirius nodded, taking a deep breath. "I did."

James knew, right away, by Sirius' demeanor, that the answer wasn't good.

"Lindsey—well, she's kind of…" Sirius looked to James for help, which James was more than happy to give.

"Pregnant," James finished.

"Yeah," said Sirius softly. "Please don't ask me any questions about what I'm going to do because I have NO idea."

"Wow," said Peter. Remus was silent, but he looked shocked.

"I screwed up, I know," said Sirius, reading Remus' expression. "All right?"

"I didn't say that," said Remus. "But what's your plan?"

"I told you not to ask," said Sirius, frustrated.

"Well, what's Lindsey's?" asked Remus.

"She doesn't have one either."

"Brilliant," said Remus.

"Shh," said James automatically. "Don't start an argument. It's the last thing we need."

"Okay, I have had enough drama for the day," said Remus. "I'm going to the library. See you at dinner," he said, grabbing Peter with him.

Sirius rolled his eyes, taking Remus' seat. "James," he said, letting his fear show now that Remus was gone. "James, what am I going to do?"

James sighed. " I don't know, mate. Think about Lindsey. She's the one having it."

"I'm the father of this baby," Sirius reminded him.

James blinked. As stupid as it may have been, James didn't consider the words 'father' and 'baby' when he heard pregnant. Well, he had _thought _about them, but he didn't associate father with…a seventeen-year-old Sirius Black.

"Yeah, you are…"

James could have sworn Sirius had tears in his eyes.

"You know, I'm not going anywhere," said James. "I'm here to help you in any way that I can."

Sirius didn't say anything, but James knew he appreciated it. "Remus is too. He's just annoyed because he's always warned you about this kind of thing, and it happened. Think of him as a concerned parent."

"Don't even say that word in my presence," said Sirius.

"There are some good things," said James. Sirius looked at him skeptically.

"There are! Umm…" James was saved from answering due to Lily's return.

"I'm sorry," she said, throwing up her hands to show that she hadn't come by to listen. "When are you leaving, James?"

"Tomorrow," said James. "The train leaves at eleven. Same as always."

"You're coming too?" she asked Sirius.

Sirius nodded silently, and he watched Lily go back to her table. "So, you were about to explain the good part of this pregnancy?"

"Oh…yeah."

Lily tried to think of spending Christmas with James (and his parents that she'd never met) and Sirius, and the idea sounded strange now that she was sure she was going to go through with it.

She felt a small amount of guilt while writing to her mother, but when she thought about the short, throwaway, slightly unemotional letters she had received from her mother during the year, it gave her the strength to keep writing.

Lily peeked at James and Sirius from the desk she was sitting at. She smiled to herself as she remembered the many chess games between the boys at that very table.

"_You obviously cheated!" James exclaimed, crossing his arms over his chest._

_Remus rolled his eyes. He tried to get James to concentrated, but James wasn't the best chess player, despite his own beliefs, and he kept getting distracted by a certain girl._

"_Just play," said Remus._

"_No," he said, pouting. "You win."_

_He then stood up on his chair. "Evans!" he called out._

_Lily, who had already been unfocused on her book because of James' fooling around, stood up._

"_What?" she asked, clearly wishing to be left alone. _

"_Remus cheats at chess!" _

_While the other people in the common room were amused, Lily wasn't. "I don't __**care."**_

_She was tired, and the last thing she wanted was to be bothered by James Potter. "You wanna play, Evy? I know __**you," **__he said, glaring back at Remus, "won't cheat."_

_Lily tucked her book under her arm, and she walked out of the common room. Apparently, her answer was no._

Lily laughed. She kind of missed her nickname. Not that she'd ever admit it, but there were a lot of things about them that used to drive her crazy (and probably still would) that she sort of missed.

Lily sealed her letter, and she looked back at Sirius again. He and James were in deep conversation. Both looked incredibly somber.

Lily wondered what they were talking about, and, as she watched his eyes, realizing their conversation was serious, she wondered if he ever wished he could go back to his own home during the holidays.

As much as he hated his family, did he ever wish they cared more about him? Did Sirius ever get that feeling, like Lily, that if he tried to be just a bit more accepting of his parents' wants, he'd feel better? In his rejection, was he ever hurt the way Lily was? Or…was he just easy that way, where it didn't matter to him because they weren't worth it. Did he still care?

Lily never realized before just how much depth a person had. Here she was, wondering about all of these things she never cared to think about…in a person that she never thought of as more than just Sirius. She'd never stopped to think about how truly alike they could be, or, at least, their situations were.

"We should pack," said James, pulling Sirius up with him. "Come on."

Sirius shook his head. "I don't feel like doing anything."

"Then, I'll pack for you, and you can watch."

"No," he said.

James sighed. He walked over to where Lily was, desperate as hell to know what was going on.

"Can you go talk to Sirius? Please?" he asked. "Ask him about…the situation, if you really want to know, but _please _try to get him to smile or something. You're good at that."

Lily bit her lip. "I'm good at making Sirius smile?" She shook her head. "James, I wish I could, but what am I supposed to say?"

"Please," said James again. "I'm going upstairs to pack. Try, please."

Lily shrugged. "I'll see what I can do," she said, going over to sit with Sirius on the couch. She doubted the conversation would amount to anything.

"Hello, Sirius," she said quietly.

Sirius wasn't stupid. Lily knew that he was aware James had asked her to try to get through to him. "Hello, Lily," he said quietly, looking down at the floor.

Lily looked around at the people who surrounded them. She tried to push away her fear of being so near to him, knowing that, due to the many people, someone would notice if Sirius tried to hurt her.

_Not that he ever would, _she reminded herself confidently.

Lily took a chance and moved closer to him, so close that she could see the tiny scars by his ear. They were things she'd never seen before. She'd only moved so close to one boy, and that was James. She had to admit…it scared her a _li_ttle bit.

"Lindsey's pregnant," said Sirius in a strange voice. "Let's not beat around the bush. You wanted to know."

"I—I did," said Lily. "Wow. I…that's certainly…wow."

"That about sums it up," said Sirius, nodding. He still refused to look up at her.

Lily didn't say anything. She didn't know what she could say. Finally, from Merlin only knew where, she came up with something.

"My parents had my sister before they were married," she said.

"Oh?" said Sirius, raising an eyebrow. "And how'd they turn out?"

"Umm…well, horrible…actually."

Sirius made a noise that was half a laugh. "Thanks."

Lily played with her hands, distracting herself from the awkward discussion. "But that's mostly because my dad was an alcoholic. Are you, Sirius?"

"No," he said.

"Didn't think so. So, my parents are _different," _she said. "Very."

Sirius ran his hands through his hair, much like James did so frequently. He seemed to be struggling with something he wanted to say, unsure if it was appropriate for Lily to hear from him or not.

"It just feels like…every single time I try to do something right, it goes wrong. My whole life has been just one huge disaster," he said, leaning back against the couch.

Lily probably should have said that wasn't true, that he shouldn't say things like that because there were good things in his life that he should have been thankful for, but she didn't. She said simply and truthfully, "I know. Mine too."

Sirius looked at her curiously. "Can I ask you a question, Eva—Li—Evans?"

Lily nodded. "Evy is fine."

Sirius chuckled at the nickname, but sobered quickly, remembering his question. "Why aren't you going home?" he asked.

The truth? A lie? A half-truth? Which made the most sense?

Lily pushed her hair behind her ear. "Family problems," she said. There was no reason to go into details. "I—I couldn't face them."

"Like mine?" he asked.

"Worse."

Before Lily knew it, and before she had a second to question _why, _she was spilling her secrets out to Sirius. James was one thing, but Sirius? But Lily found she couldn't stop. She was crying, and she was moving even closer, explaining, not only her father's story, but also what happened with Avery.

Sirius was a good listener. He didn't interrupt her once. He didn't even look shocked. In fact, his face stayed pretty much expressionless.

"I don't, I don't know why I told you this," she said, sniffling. "I don't—my goodness. I came over to talk to you about you, not me."

Sirius, still expressionless, held out his hand. "Let me see the wrist."

Lily put her bruised wrist into his hand. He rubbed it subconsciously. "Does it hurt?" he asked.

Lily shrugged, still shaking from crying. His reactions confused her.

"Any more physical damage from Avery?" he asked. Lily shook her head.

"Just emotional."

"Your dad?"

"It's all been taken care of. I don't know why—but I needed to tell you."

Sirius nodded. "I think I get it."

"Can we not tell James right now?" she asked. "I'm sort of…embarrassed about the whole thing."

Sirius let go of her hand. "Don't be embarrassed. I'm the one who just screwed up three lives in one night, maybe even more than three. And," he added, "I won't tell him."

Lily smiled slightly. "Thanks," she said. She was beginning to calm down.

"So, we're screwed," said Sirius. "Basically, life's unfair, and we just got the reeeeeeally bad end of the spectrum."

"But things will get better. I mean, I'm determined to not think about family once while I'm at James'," said Lily.

Sirius snorted. "You'll see how hard that is when they're all…loving and crap," he said. "You wait and see."

Sirius finally looked up into her eyes, blinking rapidly. "I will," said Lily softly, but Sirius wasn't really paying attention to what she was saying anymore. All that mattered was, she was crying. Sirius hated seeing anyone cry, and everything that had been done to such a pure, once innocent, girl, was wrong. It was all wrong and…and anger inducing, and what was worse: Sirius had no idea how to fix such problems.

He thought of Lindsey and the position he'd put her in, possibly screwing up both of their lives. He thought of how much he had already hurt her by breaking up with her, how much she'd been hurt when her cousin died, how bad he felt when he found out his own family was responsible for the death. Sirius thought about how sick he felt when Regulus died, and how anyone who had ever lost a family member probably felt every day. As he still stared at Lily, he thought about her own family troubles, how she had dealt with _no _death at all, but it didn't matter because what she went through was much worse than any murder could have been, and that was something Sirius had never ever considered. Something hurting worse than knowing someone was killed.

Sirius then thought about James' sister. He thought about how she would never grow up to be anything because of her illness. He thought about how unfair it was to her that she'd been born with such a disease. He remembered his own feelings when he heard about it, and he hadn't even known the girl.

Sirius looked into Lily's sad eyes, knowing that she thought about this kind of stuff every day. It was always with her, no matter what. She was never free. He realized that, perhaps, he should have worried about it more than he did, but he wasn't sure he would stick to that plan because of how much it would hurt.

He remembered dead bodies in his own aunt's basement, and the terrible feelings started pouring through him.

Lily thought about this kind of stuff _all _of the time. It was no wonder she never felt like relaxing and having fun. Sirius regretted how little he cared sometimes. He was going to be a father.

Maybe Lily would be ready to think about the complicated, painful, terrible stuff she already thought about, and in doing so, protect her child from such, but could Sirius really do that?

Sirius exhaled painfully. Thinking about the awful world hurt him, almost physically, and it made him feel sick. He wasn't ready to be mature. He wasn't ready to father a baby—a child—a son or a daughter. He wanted to be stupid. He wanted to be reckless, thoughtless, and he didn't want to worry about deaths anymore.

Sirius didn't know what possessed him to do it, but before he could think about the reasons or consequences, he pressed his lips to the girl barely a breath away from him. He could tell Lily was shocked. She was still crying, and her tears were falling onto his lips. The tears were the only reason he realized what, in Merlin's name, he was doing, and once he felt them, he pulled away.

Lily looked at him—not angry—in confusion. Her breathing was odd. It was partly from crying, partly from kissing.

Sirius thought that it could have been to prove his ability to be reckless, thoughtless, and stupid. It might have been to show himself and Lily that he didn't have to be mature quite yet, that he wasn't ready to be a parent. It could have had something to do with needing her comfort. Possibly, it was just to show her his understanding that they'd both been through crap in their lives, and that he was there for her, and he understood her. Maybe he wanted to express through the kiss what he couldn't in words, that he needed help—and so did she.

Each reason was probably a little bit true.

Lily looked around, probably searching for James, and looking to see if anyone had noticed.

"That never happened," she said.

Sirius thanked God that her eyes were understanding. She wasn't angry, and she didn't think he wanted to profess undying love for her.

He nodded quickly. "Never."

Author's Note: Wow, this chapter was a hell of a lot of fun. :) I hope you liked it as much as I did! Eleven pages…or really ten because of the long author's note. I'm happy. Okay, so pleeeeeease please review!


	26. The Beginning of the Break

Author's Note: First excuse: I was soooo busy this week, more than like…ever. Second excuse: (The odd one) My 'k' key doesn't really work lol, so it takes forever to type with it. Third: I'm writing four stories, and I have ideas for other ones. Basically, I tried soooo hard to get this up. I apologize for the wait. Hope you're not mad. :) Fourth: I had a little possible blood-clot scare, and then I practically made myself sick with worry, so I then had to sleep earlier than I thought I would. Anyway, here again. Forgive me, loves.

The train ride was quiet and somewhat awkward. Lily and Sirius avoided looking at each other, fearing that, if they did, James would be able to see what they were hiding…not that they felt guilty or anything, but they assumed James wouldn't see it their way.

Lily thought that the silence might have been even more suspicious, so she leaned into James, who was staring out the window in a bored way. James turned is attention to Lily, wrapping his arm around her more tightly.

"Why didn't Remus come?" she asked curiously.

"He's got his own family to go to," said James. James blinked, rethinking his words. "I didn't mean that the way it sounded."

Sirius shrugged. "It doesn't matter," said Lily.

James looked down at Lily, and she had her face in his shoulder, not wanting him to stare into her guilty eyes. She gripped his shirt tightly, thinking about how Avery's arms felt around her. James was strong, but gentle, while Avery was forceful and demanding.

James seemed to think she was acting strangely, so he said, "Hey," softly, nudging her to look back up at him. "Everything all right?" he asked.

Lily nodded, trying to smile reassuringly. "Just tired," she said.

James accepted it. Lily wasn't a naturally open person, after all.

"And what's your story?" asked James sarcastically, turning to Sirius.

"I've got a baby on my hands," he said simply.

"Oh," said James, feeling rather like an arse. "Right."

Sirius rolled his eyes, and he began gazing out the window again. James hadn't expected the awkwardness that seemed to be between them. "Lily?" he whispered.

"What?" she mumbled, her head still buried in his neck.

"Did I mention I forgot to tell my parents you're coming?"

Lily's eyes shot open, and she practically jumped from his arms. "They don't know?" she shrieked. "James!"

Sirius laughed. "It's not a big deal, Lily," he said.

Lily didn't answer. She didn't really want to look at him. "James, I hate imposing on people. I would have liked it if you had told them," she said calmly.

James nodded. "I'm sorry, but I promise they will be happy to have you."

He took her hand, wondering why it was so amusing to watch Lily freak out. He pulled her down onto his lap. "Relax," he said.

Lily wasn't happy with this new position, as it forced her to look at Sirius for the first time during the ride.

He looked confused, which was understandable, and he definitely seemed stressed. He smiled sadly at her when he realized she was staring. Lily tightened her hold on James' hand.

Since James and Lily had started dating, Lily had already hidden her situation with Avery, slapped him, and kissed his best friend.

She was determined to, from now on, be a better girlfriend.

And…she hadn't even gotten him a proper Christmas gift. She'd been planning on getting help from Sirius, but that now seemed out of the question. She didn't think she could feel comfortable alone with him.

"Here's a thought, James," said Lily. "Don't give me anything for Christmas."

"Too late," said James, shaking his head.

Lily sighed. She definitely didn't deserve something from him, and, knowing James, it would be something incredibly expensive. She leaned back against him. It was going to be a long ride.

James' mother, Lily learned, was one of the kindest people Lily had ever met. She was nothing like her own. The moment she was introduced, Mrs. Potter greeted her with a warm hug.

"Lily," she said, "I can't tell you how exciting it is to have you here."

Lily smiled shyly. "Thanks, I guess."

Sirius was greeted in a similar way, but he wasn't as embarrassed as Lily was. "Hey, Mrs. Potter. How are things?" he asked.

"Oh, just fine," she replied, walking them further into the house. Lily was in complete awe as James' mother showed her where everything was.

"And this is obviously the kitchen," said Mrs. Potter. "I don't cook, so don't expect to see me in here. It's my husband who does that, and, on occasion," she nodded towards James, "my son."

Sirius smiled teasingly. "James is a little cook."

Lily ignored them, however. "So big," she said, looking around at the kitchen's compartments. It was probably twice her house.

James laughed. "Yeah," he said, keeping them attached by the hand through the entire tour.

Mrs. Potter led them up the stairs. "This is James' room," she said, pointing to the first room on the left. It seemed they traveled a mile to get to the second room. "This is Sirius' room, but he never goes in there anyway."

Sirius shook his head. "I know you're under the impression that I don't sleep, but I actually do from time to time."

Lily smiled. "I'm not sure they sleep at school either, Mrs. Potter."

"Oh, really? Who would have guessed?" his mother teased.

"And the room all the way down there," she said, pointing to the last room on the right, "is my husband's and mine, if you ever need me…"

Lily saw that there were two rooms unmentioned, but she decided not to ask. "I didn't expect you, so I don't have a set room for you, but there's plenty of space. Come," she said, leading them back down the stairs.

"I'm just going to leave the stuff in here," said Sirius, referring to his and Lily's trunks. Lily had forgotten he was carrying them.

Lily really wanted to ask why any family, especially such a small one, would need such a big house. It was beautiful, of course, but she wondered if guests ever got lost. She certainly didn't want to be the first.

Mrs. Potter led them to a hallway full of rooms that she hadn't seen yet. "Unbelievable," she said, laughing softly.

"You can pick anyone you like," said James' mother, not sounding even a little surprised about Lily's responses.

"Thank you so much," she said. She now realized why James had said it wouldn't be a problem.

"No problem, honey," she said. "I'll leave you to it then."

"So," said James when Mrs. Potter went back upstairs again, "you want to pick a room?" he asked cheerfully.

"Which would you suggest?" asked Lily, smiling at his enthusiasm. James pulled her down the hallway, stopping at one just before the end.

"This one has a lot of blue," said James. "I know you like blue."

Both Lily and James could practically feel Sirius' eyes roll behind them.

"You don't forget anything, do you?" she asked.

"I'm just going to go upstairs and…unpack," said Sirius awkwardly.

James nodded. "All right."

James and Lily, now alone, went into the bedroom. There was certainly a lot of blue, but Lily didn't stop to think about that. It was huge!

"I get to sleep in here?" Lily asked breathlessly.

"And shower in here," he pointed to her own private bathroom, "get away from us in here… Whatever you want to use it for."

James sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to him. Lily sat down, and she turned to face him. "I love you," she said, glancing around the spacious room.

James smirked. "I knew you only liked me for the money," he joked.

Lily responded to the comment by kissing him. Completely unusual for Lily, considering she was never one to initiate anything. After a moment, James pulled away, but stayed close enough that she could feel it when he whispered, "I love you too, by the way," before capturing her lips again.

Lily smiled into the kiss, his words making her feel positively elated. Then, all too suddenly, something went wrong in her mind.

It wasn't exactly surprising because why in the world should Lily have a moment free from awful feelings and memories? 'No,' she told herself, 'that's for other girls.'

She detached herself, rather unhappily, from her boyfriend, looking the other way obviously.

"I don't feel well," she said. "It's a stomach kind of thing."

James thought about the odd behavior on the train, and he assumed that her strange mood swings and slight reluctance to be with him had to do with her father, but he had thought she'd been getting better, and out of nowhere, she seemed to be spiraling back downward.

"Talk to me," he said, barely concealing his frustration. "Please, Lily."

Lily refused to look at him. "I'm sorry," she said, "but I really don't feel well."

James sighed. James' plan of letting her come to him was tiring, frustrating, and it didn't seem to be working. Pressuring her wouldn't work either, and even if it would, James wasn't willing to do such a thing to his already delicate girlfriend.

Before James could say anything else, there was a knock at the door. "May I come in?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah," said James. "It isn't locked."

Sirius came into the room, looking weary. "Something wrong, Lily?" he asked, looking at her directly for the first time in a while.

"No," she said immediately.

"She's ill, apparently," said James. "Let's let her rest."

Lily looked guiltily up at James, and he tried to smile, but it was obvious to Lily that he wasn't happy. "We'll be in my room."

James and Sirius left the room. "She knows you're mad," said Sirius as they walked to their room. "You're not doing a good job of hiding it."

James glared at him, wondering if he was being deliberately moody. "I'm not mad. I just wish she'd," James stopped speaking as they got up the stairs, "start treating me like she cares as much as I do."

Sirius bit his lip, sympathizing with both of them. "She's got a lot on her plate, I suppose."

James stopped in his doorway, leaning against the frame. Sirius walked ahead of him, and he sat down at his desk chair, leaning it dangerously backward. He noticed James staring. "What?"

"You know something!" James exclaimed. "You know something, and you're not telling me."

"I don't," said Sirius, shrugging.

"I—"

"Can I ask you something?" said Sirius.

It was obvious that he was mostly trying to get James off the Lily topic. James shrugged, leaning against his door, still pretty sure something was being hidden from him.

"In about eleven years, the baby that Lindsey has will most _certainly _be on his way to Hogwarts."

"Okay…" said James, confused.

"Should my parents decide to fling Lindsey and I off a building, you promise you'll get mini-Padfoot on the train?" he asked.

"Will you name it that if it's a girl?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"I promise that, in the event you and Lindsey both die, I'll get the kid on the train. However, there's a good chance your family will want to do away with Lily and myself as well."

"Ah well," said Sirius. "I'll just have to ask Remus then."

James' attention was successfully diverted.

Lily waited in her room for at least fifteen minutes before she even opened her door. When she did, she took a look around, looking at things she hadn't paid any attention to when Mrs. Potter was showing her around. Her hallway was full of beautiful pictures.

Lily looked up at the one above the entrance to the kitchen. She didn't know how she'd missed it before, but blamed it on her fascination with the enormous house.

Lily smiled almost tearfully, as she looked at the beautiful family. The man, who Lily supposed was James' father, was sitting on the couch with his arm around his wife. He was waving at the camera, but Mrs. Potter seemed to be trying to remain as still as if it were a muggle photograph. The kids were running in and out of the frame, but during the time they were in, Lily would try to make out their faces, especially James' sister's.

She was so young, so innocent (from what Lily could infer), so pretty. No one would be able to tell all of the things that were wrong with her just by looking at the picture. Lily was that way as well. She could smile in pictures, but they were almost never real.

Lily took in a calming breath. Reaching up on her toes, she traced the frame. It wasn't fair to her that she had to go through so much pain at such a young age.

"I didn't know you," said Lily, "but I can tell you that life isn't anything incredible."

Lily watched James grab his sister around the middle protectively, and she squealed silently.

Lily reluctantly pulled herself away from the picture. And she walked over to the staircase. At first, she planned on going to James' room to tell him she was feeling better. Instead, she decided to walk into one of the rooms that hadn't been shown to her. She chose the pink door. She had a good feeling where it led.

Glancing over her shoulder to make sure that no one was behind her, she opened the door.

Lily was doing nothing to ease her guilty conscience by walking into a room that she was sure had to be off-limits to her.

The first thing she noticed was dolls. There were so many of them, ones that Lily had never even heard of in her life. Some were glass, though how a small child could be trusted with that was beyond her, some were plastic, some even moved. _That_ was more than a little strange.

The second thing Lily saw was…another picture. In it, James was nine or ten. It would be only a year before James in the picture was to go to Hogwarts. She smiled.

Lily bit back tears as she looked around the room. She walked over to the bed, seeing a letter written in James' handwriting.

_April 16__th__, 1975._

So, the letter hadn't been written too long ago.

Without much hesitation, Lily picked it up.

_Dear Heather,_

_I've never been confident enough to write a decent letter to you. I guess it's been a kind of fear of some sort. Stupid, I know, considering you're not here, and even if you were, you can't read. I just wanted to know that I never understood you. None of us did. I remember…when I was really young, mind you, that I used to pretend you were from another planet, and you weren't actually my sister. I used to pretend you had come to Earth with a message for us, but we were too narrow-minded to understand it. _

_There was no denying how special you were, though. I wish you could have met my friends. I've told them enough about you, and they sometimes say they feel they have already met you. I have to be honest. My memories with you are rather limited._

Lily cautiously sat down on the bed, now lost in her own world. She took a deep breath and continued reading.

_I'd like to write about all the things we did together, but since it's been so long, I can't. Like I said, I've never been brave enough to write this, so I'm trying to make it just as good as I can. I guess that, instead of telling you about what I remember, I can tell you about my life right now._

_I mentioned friends. I have three of the best. Without Sirius, Remus, and Peter, I'm not sure I could have become the person I am today. However, there's no need to get sentimental over it, is there? I'll just say that they're like the brothers I never had._

_Maybe you can't understand that. The only friend you ever had was me. I'll tell you something: I miss you. I know this sounds like an awful thing to say, but I never wanted you to be normal. Mum did. She doesn't say it in so many words, but I can tell she thought you'd have been happier if you weren't ill._

_That could be true, but I liked you as you were. What if you'd been a different way, and therefore, we fought? I think you were the way you were for a reason…anyway._

_So, I have to tell you about Evans. I'm sorry. I know you were never one for the boy-girl kind of thing, and you swore that even __**I **__had cooties, but it was okay because we were siblings, and…"James, everyone knows sisters can't catch the cooties from their brothers." Everyone knows that, of course, Heather. And, I pretended I believed in it to make you happy and all that. _

_The point is…I met that girl who made me realize that (even if she did have cooties) I didn't care about that childish stuff anymore…most of it anyway. I wanted to be with her, no matter what._

_If you were alive, you'd probably laugh (with many others) about the stupid things I've done to impress that girl._

Once Lily had gotten to her name, she realized she'd begun reading aloud subconsciously. With tears running down her face, she continued reading in a voice barely above a whisper.

I_t's kind of funny how I fell for the girl. Yes, __**fell. **__Head over heels, in fact. I don't know if you really want to hear about this, but I promised you that, no matter what, I'd always tell you everything important, remember? Well, this girl's important. She's the most important thing._

_If only you could meet her, you'd see what I'm talking about. You really would. Don't get your hopes up for your big brother, though. I have no chance with her. It's more like a dream, but not the dream of going to school and getting a good job. That's the kind of thing I believe in. Going out with Evans is like…it's like the dre—_

"…dream you'll come back to me."

Lily jumped up from the bed when she saw James in the doorway. Sirius was behind him, looking worried.

James didn't seem angry, though Lily looked back down at the letter where, sure enough, it read the words James spoke.

James stared up at the ceiling, reciting the letter by heart.

"That's something I no longer count on. I guess I couldn't write this letter until I knew you were really gone. I put the dream of you awakening in the 'never going to happen bin' rather easily, and I close the subject. Not much more I can say. If I had more words, I'd definitely write them."

James stopped to clear his throat. "Should be the end."

Lily nodded. "James, I'm so sorry. I don't even know what else to say."

James motioned for her to get up from the bed. "Can we go back to my room?" he asked.

He didn't wait for Lily to reply, knowing she would follow him anyway. She put the letter back where it had been, and she closed the door after they all walked out.

"It's my fault. I didn't tell you," said James when they walked into his room.

"But I had common sense. I know better than to walk into a room I haven't been offered."

James sighed. "Reason for the day. She admits when she's done wrong," said James. Lily didn't know why she was being referred to in that way, but she smiled slightly. James didn't seem troubled at all by the fact that she'd read his letter.

Sirius, however, looked uncomfortable.

James walked over to Lily, brushing the tears off her cheeks. "Don't cry," he said, hugging her against him.

Lily let her emotions run wild as she cried into his chest, muttering nonsense all the way.

Sirius, unnoticed by the two of them, left the room.

When Lily had finally calmed down enough to pull her face away from his shirt, she looked up at him. "Are you mad?" she asked. "I mean, about me shooing you away before."

James shook his head. "Will you talk to me now?"

Lily shrugged, but then she nodded. "There's something I need to tell you."

"Okay," said James, not surprised by that at all.

"I want you to know that you're still allowed to take away my Christmas present," she said, half-jokingly. "Totally entitled."

James smiled. "What is it, Lily?"

She let out a long breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. "You're going to want to kill some people," she warned.

"I'll be fine," he assured her, though he seemed to be getting anxious due to all her avoidance.

"Can I ask you a question first?" said Lily.

James closed his eyes, and he raised his head to the ceiling, as though he were praying for strength.

"If you must."

Lily dropped her hands from his shoulders (where she had been holding on so tightly while she cried), and she clasped her hands in his. "Is there something about me…something particularly…different that makes people—go insane?"

"Yes," said James. "You're amazing."

Lily rolled her eyes. "I'm speaking of 'bad' insane."

"I guess…" said James, sounding unhappy saying it, "that you may appear innocent."

Lily nodded. That sounded right. Perhaps…she'd have to change that? Maybe she'd be left alone if she became the total opposite of herself?

No. James loved her the way she was. If she could have James, why did it matter what other people did to her?

But he—

_No! _Lily told herself forcefully.

"Well, just promise you won't kill anyone after you hear what I have to say."

"I promise," said James, smiling slightly.

Lily realized he had no idea what he was promising at all.

Author's Note: So, it took forever, but it was pretty long, right? Yay? Christmas next chapter! Hope you liked it, and please review!


	27. Christmas Gift

Author's Note: Well, it's a little confusing in the beginning of the chapter, but I think you'll catch on.

Christmas had come, and Lily and Sirius were still feeling guilty. Even if they had declared it meaningless, the kiss weighed heavily on both minds.

Since Lily had told James her story and how scared she had been left alone, James had not let her out of his sight. It had taken a lot for James to even let her sleep alone. Thankfully, James accepted that Lily would have been very uncomfortable with the idea of James sleeping in the same room.

"Morning," said Lily, walking into the living room.

Immediately, James got up from the couch, putting on his protective mode, taking her to the couch. Lily smiled, leaning into him. The dreaded morning had arrived.

Sirius smiled at her. Okay, maybe Sirius _wasn't _feeling as guilty as she was anymore. It looked as if he really didn't care.

James listened as Lily explained her story, fumbling slightly over some of her words. "And—and I'm sorry I didn't tell you already. I was scared what you would think."

_Lily tried to read his face, but she couldn't figure him out. He was still, silent, and he didn't seem t be showing any emotion. _

"_That's it," she said. She couldn't bear to tell him about the kiss with Sirius in addition to what she had already told him. It was, of course, for his sake._

_Then, James took a deep breath and let it out._

"_You're mad," said Lily observantly._

_James smiled, but it looked to be more of a grimace. "Furious," he said honestly._

_James shook his head slowly, still managing to keep relatively calm. "And that is why you've been…weird?"_

_**Apart from kissing Sirius… "**__Yeah," she said sadly, "that's why."_

_James was quiet again for a while. Lily wished she knew what was going through his head besides anger. She hoped he remembered his promise not to kill anyone._

_James was drumming his fingers on his knees. "Are you hurt?" he asked._

_Lily was so surprised that James had not completely lost the ability to speak that she had to think about the question for a moment before she realized what James was talking about._

"_I'm okay," she said softly, leaning completely against him. James drew took his hand away, and he refused to touch her or even let his hands run through her hair like he usually did._

_The fact that James wouldn't hold her made her feel worse. She no longer jumped out of her skin when he hugged her (though she usually liked fair warning), and she had come to love the secure way in which he held her to him in his loving manner. Now, it was as if she were diseased, and James was afraid to catch it._

_Lily tried to grab his hand, but he pulled it away from her._

"_Why did this happen to me again?" she asked desperately, starting to cry. James was not treating her the way she wanted to be treated, and she—she was so damn guilty. She didn't deserve him, so why was she complaining?_

"_I don't know," he said._

"_I'm so sorry," she said, afraid that James was angry with her._

"_You did nothing," he said firmly. "I just do not understand why anyone would want to hurt you, baby…and I just—I'm trying not to freak out about this, so just let me…"_

_Lily understood without making him finish his sentence. "Okay," she said, reaching for his hand again. James took it, but he still wouldn't let her get too close._

_There was absolutely no way she could tell him about the kiss after that. Come on._

"Do you want your presents now?" James asked excitedly.

It had been a few days since James had smiled so brightly at her, and she was happy that he was enjoying the holiday.

Lily had been unsure about what to get James, and she had even asked his mother for guidance. Sirius insisted James would be happy with nothing, but in the end, both James' mother and Sirius suggested anything to do with Quidditch.

Lily was sure her boyfriend wouldn't be impressed by her gift, but she hadn't quite been in the holiday spirit lately. One day, James would leave her for a girl who could give wonderful Christmas presents.

"No," said Lily, laughing. "No. Take it back."

"I'll go get it," he said, getting up from the couch, "Watch her," he said, pointing to Lily, partly joking and partly serious.

Lily rolled her eyes, and after he had left the room, she turned to the boy on the chair across from her. "Is it crazy expensive—something I shouldn't accept?"

Sirius laughed, uncrossing his legs. "Well, yes and no, but you should accept it."

"How could it be 'yes and no' expensive?" she asked, confused.

James came back into the room, holding a small bag.

"Seen my mum?" he asked. "She seems to have disappeared."

Sirius shook his head. "She's probably in the kitchen, pretending to cook."

James laughed. "Probably." He sat down at the end of the bed, letting Lily fall completely against him.

"Cold?" he asked.

"No," she lied.

James hugged her tightly against him, giving her more warmth than any sweater could have given her.

"_Seriously, _get a room," said Sirius, shaking his head.

"Leave the room," said James, sticking his tongue out at him childishly.

"Maybe you should open mine first," said Lily. "I don't want to follow yours."

"Not a contest," said James quickly.

"Easy for you to say," Lily muttered.

James put the bag in her hands. "Before you look, there's something I need to tell you about the one at the bottom…so…"

Lily curiously opened the bag sat in front of her. First, she pulled out a bracelet. Sirius wasn't kidding when he said it was expensive. It certainly looked it.

"I kind of guessed your size wrist, but it looks fine, right?" he asked nervously.

"Yes," said Lily immediately.

It was beautiful. It was silver, and there were red and blue gemstones. Lily wasn't sure if there was any significance to the colors, but it didn't matter.

There was one chain hanging down with a gold 'L' on it.

Lily smiled.

"You like?" James asked.

"Love."

Sirius cleared his throat loudly. "So, when is the wedding?" he asked teasingly.

James raised an eyebrow. "Do you want to leave?" he asked.

"Carry on," said Sirius, smiling.

"You ruined the mood, Sirius," said Lily, shaking her head. She held her wrist out to James for the bracelet.

James put the bracelet around her wrist, connecting both ends of the chain.

"So, the other thing is—well, open it, I guess…"

Lily was actually a bit uncomfortable, accepting his gifts. It made her feel as if she had somehow earned them.

Lily picked up a velvet box, and Sirius moved to the floor below them. Sirius _had _been kidding about the wedding thing, right?

"I know what it looks like," said James, obviously having expected her reaction to the ring.

Lily sat back, letting him explain before she opened the little box.

"Okay," said James. "It's a tradition in my family to give this ring to…you know." James started to sound a bit apprehensive. "Well, you give it to a girl that means a lot to you, and I don't plan on ever…so, I know it's kind of soon, but I don't ever plan on replacing you."

"It makes you important," said Sirius. "Take it."

Lily looked into James' eyes as she fingered the case. He looked so hopeful that she would take it, but at the same time, understanding why she might not.

It wasn't that Lily didn't want to be with James forever, but she didn't think he would keep to that.

"Because…you mean everything to me," he said, finally finding the words he had wanted to say.

Please. As if Lily needed to be convinced about that.

Lily, scared as hell, opened the box, revealing the ring to both boys and herself.

It was ancient. How long had this tradition been going on? By no means, however, was the ring ugly. There was a greenish-blue stone in the center, surrounded by tiny diamonds. The ring itself was silver.

One piece of her mind was urging her onward.

_You like the ring. Besides, it will make James happy if you were to take it. He would finally be able to call you his own._

'_I'm __**not **__his,' Lily argued with herself._

_You will make him happy. You owe that to him after you betrayed him with the Slytherin…and then kissed his friend._

'_The kiss meant nothing,' Lily continued with the dispute. 'We agreed it didn't.'_

…_but did James agree? James didn't __get__ a vote, did he?_

'I couldn't tell him. He would be so hurt.'

_That's not what you're afraid of. You're being completely selfish. Admit it, Lily._

'_No. I love him. I don't want to hurt him.'_

_You're scared._

'_No, I'm not.'_

_You know he will leave you._

_The other half of Lily's brain had no response to that. _

_He will give up on you, _the voice went on. _He will say that he has had enough of all of the baggage that comes with you, and this is too much, too far._

'_I will hurt him.'_

_And then he will hurt you. Go ahead. Put the ring on. Hide your problems. Heaven help you if you __**do **__marry him and become an unhappy divorcee like your mo—"_

'_STOP!'_

Lily was brought painfully back into reality. She had paused with the ring halfway down her finger.

James held his arm more tightly around her shoulders, drawing her closer to him. "Don't feel pressured, Lil."

Lily was sure she could have put her head argument behind her if she hadn't glanced at Sirius.

"No," said Lily, swallowing painfully. "No. I can't be this person."

"What?" James asked, completely confused.

"Yes…what?" asked Sirius, as if he knew, all along, what she was about to do.

Lily pulled herself out of James' grasp and stood up. She took the bracelet off, handed it to James with the ring.

"I don't deserve this from you," she said.

James raised an eyebrow. "Lily, are you…serious? I—"

"I kissed him," she said softly, barely above a whisper.

Sirius' eyes closed, sensing his death sentence.

Either James hadn't heard Lily's quiet voice or he was in complete shock. "What?" he asked.

Fighting back tears, Lily pointed to Sirius. "I kissed him," she said, biting her lip. "And I'm sorry. Don't give me anything."

James didn't look angry. He kept looking from Sirius to Lily, waiting for one of them to tell him it was a joke, that it didn't really happen. It didn't happen, though Sirius looked like he might have tried.

James seemed to be unable to look at Lily, and he looked down at his best friend instead. "Wh—why?"

"You didn't hear the whole story," said Sirius desperately. The fact that James' face was so far from anger was scaring him more than any screaming could have. "Please, James."

"Lily," said James, turning back to her. He stood up, and he put the bracelet back in her hand. "I want you to have it."

Lily noticed, however, that he didn't appear to want her to have the ring anymore.

"No, I don't know the whole story," he said to Sirius, "and I don't want to hear it."

Lily hoped he would explain himself further, at least, because she was completely confused about what he was saying.

"Maybe we're—" James stopped, shaking his head. It wasn't him anymore. "Maybe _you're _not ready for this."

"No…James, I—" Lily didn't know what to say. She put her hand on his shoulder, trying to make him see how much she needed him, how he couldn't leave her as fragile as she was.

"I can make excuses for you for some things, but this?"

Sirius and Lily didn't dare look at each other.

"I can't. I'm sorry. Lily, keep the bracelet. I'm just—I'll be in my room."

Even after James left the room, Sirius and Lily still avoided the other's eyes.

"Wonderful Christmas present you gave him, huh? How long did it take you to come up with that?" said Sirius, a hint of anger in his voice. He never wanted James to find out.

"Shut-up," Lily hissed, looking at her feet. "What—what happened?"

"I'm not positive," said Sirius, "but I'm pretty damn sure you were dumped."

Author's Note: I tried soooo hard to get it up, and I did it! Yay! Please—please review, and I'm going to try my absolute hardest to update Sick tomorrow. No promises, though, as I haven't even started it, and I've lots of homework to finish. Pleeease review, loves. Happy New Year. :)


	28. Crazy?

Author's Note: So sorry it took forever. It won't take me this long ever again. Really. The little scene in this chapter that Lily recalls is taken directly from chapter eight. Enjoy. :)

James had been kind enough to allow her to stay, but Lily politely declined the offer. She was smart enough t know how truly awkward it would turn out to be.

James' mother set up a portkey for Lily, eager to help even if she didn't want to see her go. Lily did not ask what Sirius was going to do. She felt fortunate enough to have some sort of a home to go to. Sirius had been disowned. James surely wouldn't have turned him out, but Sirius probably didn't want to have James everywhere he went.

"Lily!" her mother cried when she opened the door. "Honey, I didn't expect you back…"

Lily forced a smile, deciding to give her mother the same courtesy she was receiving.

"It's a long story," said Lily, closing the door behind her.

Lily's mother nodded. "You're, of course, welcome any time."

Lily suddenly felt guilty. She had left her mother completely alone on Christmas. All the feelings of anger about the fact that her mother didn't seem t notice how much pain she was in washed away with the new feeling of shame.

She put her trunk down beside her, reached her arms out, and hugged the life out of her mother. Neither woman pulled away for quite some time. "I love you," Lily murmured into her mother's shoulder.

"Love you too, baby," she replied, rubbing her back.

Lily did not know how long they stood just over the threshold of the house. Finally, they separated.

"You, umm, staying for the rest of your break?" asked her mother.

Lily nodded. "I know that we have to talk about…dad…at some point," she said, "but can it wait?"

"Of course," said Lily's mother, not wanting to push her into anything.

"Right now, I would like to get some rest," said Lily.

Lily walked upstairs to her bedroom, glancing in Petunia's room. She knew that her sister had officially moved in with her husband, but it was still strange to see her room empty.

She walked into her own room, and she sat down on her bed, playing with the bracelet on her wrist. James had told her to keep it, but she felt so greedy, keeping an expensive gift when she and her boyfriend weren't even together anymore.

Lily took a deep breath, feeling sort of sick. James was not her boyfriend anymore. He had gotten tired of dealing with all the crap that came along with her. Her first boyfriend, and she had screwed it up so badly. She recalled the first time Sirius and Lily had gone behind James' back, and she had blown their cover.

_"Would someone like to tell me what's going on?" James asked._

_ Lily and Sirius ignored him. She was sure that she'd completely forgotten he was there. Either that, or stupidity, anger, and regret for what she'd done had washed over her._

_"I should have never done this!" she exclaimed, getting out of her chair. Yes, she had forgotten James was there._

_"Done what?" James and Lindsey both asked at the same time, getting extremely irritated._

_ "How could you ever ask me to do something so stupid!" _

"_Oh, so it's all my fault? I was trying to help my friend, Lily, after you had almost succeeded in breaking him down to nothing. You're the one who agreed."_

_ "Wait…what?"_

_ But James was ignored yet again. "I should have never listened to a word out of your mouth. I've always hated the thought of betting, deal-making, and most of all trusting people!"_

_ "Oh, well, it's obvious I can't trust you, Evans. You said nothing like this would happen." James had never seen Sirius so angry. _

_"I said nothing of the sort! Now, you're just making up stories. The only reason I even agreed to go out with James for you was because I knew Lindsey hadn't a chance in hell with you otherwise!" Lily shouted._

Wow. She really had a big mouth.

"James?"

"No."

**Sigh.**

"Prongs?"

"No."

**Sigh.**

"James?

"It didn't work the first time, did it, Sirius?"

Sirius shrugged, deciding to give up. He supposed James had a right to be angry with him, but it didn't stop him from feeling it was unfair.

"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't really enjoy it. I mean, I'm not saying she's a bad kisser, but…what I am saying—it wasn't really enough to _know. _It was kind of over in a snap…and I meant, I was not even paying attention, so obviously—"

"Would you stop?" James asked furiously.

Strangely enough, James wasn't reassured by what Sirius had said.

"How do you think Lindsey's going to feel?" asked James, jumping up onto the kitchen counter. Sirius continued lazily stirring the sauce in the pot.

"I tell you, I can't want until your dad comes home because I suck at helping you cook," said Sirius.

"Doesn't answer my question," said James.

Sirius sighed. "Listen, I don't know. There's no chance for Lindsey and me now, especially not when the whole school finds out."

"Namely your family."

Sirius nodded sadly.

"Do you love her?" James asked curiously.

"I don't know."

"How do you not know?"

"The better question is: why are we having pasta without any meatballs?"

James actually let a small smile onto his face. "Because nothing that ever once walked is going into my body."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Bloody vegetarian. What would Remus say?" he asked, putting a hand over his heart.

James laughed, getting off the counter. "You've heard his opinions on the matter. Now, do you love her?"

"You mean like you and Lily?"

James shrugged, looking away. "I guess."

"No," said Sirius honestly. "I want to, but I don't think that kind of love is possible for me."

"And why not?" asked Sirius, taking over the stirring.

"Maybe because I didn't grow up with it. Maybe because I'm immune? Whatever it is, I just don't see myself giving up everything for one person. I mean, I never thought that kind of devotion was even possible in a friendship until I met you, and I saw what you did for Lily, what you felt… It's kind of inspiring, but it doesn't happen to us less fortunate ones."

James paused in what he was doing. He had never heard Sirius be so…deep and serious. "Obviously, Lily and I can't work either," said James, looking putout.

"James," said Sirius, placing his hands on his friend's shoulders. "You'll get through this one thing. I mean, you've practically forgiven _me _already!"

James ignored his last statement. "It's not just this one thing, Sirius. She says she trusts me, but I don't think she does."

"Sure, she does! She told you about that thing with Avery, didn't she?" asked Sirius, his face darkening as the thought of what he had done came back to him.

"Well…" James blinked. "She told _you!"_

"Kind of…" said Sirius. "That was when we, you know, kissed."

"She told you before me," said James. "She kissed you. What the hell is that supposed to make me think?"

"She loves you," said Sirius, not wanting a fight to start. "She's just been through a lot with her dad, then Avery…and all."

"Seems like you two have met to talk a lot," said James bitterly, crossing his arms.

Sirius shook his head. "It's not like that."

"Look, you don't understand. She is not ready for this. What is the excuse for this? Tell me, please."

James got back up on the counter, letting his legs swing back and forth.

Sirius sighed. He wasn't sure what he could say to make James happy. "I don't know."

"You don't know," James repeated, looking displeased.

"It was a mistake. What do you want me to say?"

"Maybe that you're sorry? You have yet to say that."

"I'm sorry! You already know that!"

James shrugged. He was not sure that he did. "It's just…there's so much lately that has been making me think over everything that I really want."

Sirius' eyes widened. "You're thinking over your feelings for Lily?"

"Well, no. I know how I feel about her," said James. "Okay, listen, everything in my life—can you turn that down?" He pointed to the stove.

"Never again will your mum let us in the kitchen with wands, hmm?" said Sirius, turning the dial by hand.

"Nope," said James. "Anyway, my whole life has always been about Lily, Lily, and Lily. I then jump into a relationship with her as soon as she wants it, and then this happens. I just think maybe I need to, as corny as this sounds, discover myself as just James Potter instead of James Potter who is desperately in love with Lily Evans…or James Potter—Lily Evans' boyfriend. For a while, I need to sort this out and be James. Does that make sense?"

Sirius jumped up onto the counter next to him. "Kind of," he said. "Like, you've always been so obsessed with her that you never thought of anything else in the world, and now you're taking advantage of this 'break' to do that?"

James nodded. "I think we may have moved too fast. Anyway, that's what I'm telling myself."

"So…do you hate her…or me?" he asked, slightly apprehensive, but grinning.

James didn't answer. "I'm just tired of it being me that has to be sorry all the time. I'm sick of taking responsibility for things I'm not responsible for…and I don't want to get slapped again."

Sirius chuckled. "Well, I don't blame you for that."

There was a moment where neither one of them said a thing. Both boys were lost in thought.

"Lindsey doesn't have to know," said James abruptly, breaking the silence. "We don't need to bring her into this mess."

Sirius smiled, knowing he was, at least, somewhat forgiven. "Thanks. And, I meant what I said…"

James raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"I didn't kiss the girl long enough to know if it was good. It was just so quick, but if—"

"Okay!" said James, disgusted and slightly amused."I don't need to know."

Sirius shrugged. "Suit yourself."

Lily twirled her hair around her finger anxiously, knowing it had to be done. Her mother sat across from her at the table, trying her best to be supportive.

"I don't—" Lily cleared her throat. "Mum, I don't want to ever have to see him again."

"I know," she answered.

Lily noticed that she seemed to be distracted. "But the thought of pressing charges…going to court, speaking against my own _dad…"_

"Lily," said her mother, putting her hand over Lily's. "If this is what you want to do, I will get you through it. Don't avoid it out of fear."

Lily nodded, afraid to speak.

"When did it begin?" her mother asked cautiously, wanting to get any information from Lily that she might possibly need.

"Summer before my sixth year," she said.

"Ah," said her mother, looking as if she were going to have a hard time remaining calm.

"I got rid of practically every sign of evidence," said Lily regretfully. "Maybe this is a bad idea."

"Lily," said her mother again, squeezing her hand. "If this is what you really want, we will do it. Okay?"

Lily bit her lip. "Okay."

"Aww, aren't you so sweet?"

James immediately grabbed the piece of parchment from Sirius' hands. "Get out of my stuff, will you?"

"I promised her reasons, so even if I'm no longer with her, she's going to get them."

"What are you going to do, mail them?"

James glared. "No," he said, putting the parchment under his pillow. "When we go back to school, I will give her the reasons with the date for each one, and then I will go back to normal, saying them in person. All right?"

Sirius smirked. "You're still such a sweet little boy, James," said Sirius, pinching his cheek.

"I wouldn't. You're on thin ice," said James, smacking his hand away.

"Sorry," said Sirius, stepping away from James' bed and observing all the other artifacts in his room. "So, what'd you tell your mum?"

"Lily's mum wanted her home," said James. "It's not exactly a lie. I mean, she probably did."

"Mhmm," said Sirius.

"I'm going to go upstairs again," said Lily, pushing the chair out from the table. There were tears in her eyes, but she smiled at her mother.

"You're ready to do this then?" she asked. "You're sure?"

"Yes," said Lily, though she really did not think she was. "Yes, I'm sure."

Lily left the kitchen, and she went upstairs to her room. Throwing the door open, she opened her drawers and did the only thing that made sense. She started throwing her clothes around the room, kicking the outside of the drawers until pieces of the wood began to fall off.

But it wasn't enough. Breathing deeply to keep the tears from falling (because she was NOT going to cry again), she sat down on the cold wood floor. She picked up one of her t-shirts, and she started to tear it. It made her feel so much better, hearing the tearing of the fabric.

She remembered the day when the marauders and Lindsey had seen her ripping her book into pieces, and she let the tears go, giving up completely.

James—her comforter—didn't want her anymore. She was going to have to speak up against her father in court, and with barely any evidence to help her win the case. Her mother was trying so hard not to show it, but she was scared and hurt, and Lily wanted so much to stop feeling like the complete disappointment that she was.

For the first time in years, she felt jealous of her sister. The blonde was probably sitting at home, eating dinner with her husband, talking and laughing…and…God only knows what.

Lily curled up in a pathetic ball, laying her head on some of the shirts she had ruined, wiping her eyes.

Lily must have been being louder than she thought because her mother came upstairs in a hurry. "Lily," she said, concerned. Lily hadn't even closed her door.

"Yeah?" she mumbled into the shirts.

"Oh, Lily…" she said when she saw her.

"I think," said Lily slowly, "I have to throw up."

Still, she didn't move from her spot. Her mother nodded sympathetically.

"Lily," she said, sitting down beside her. "Lily, this isn't the first time you've got into a—a—" her mother searched for the right words—"a crazy rage."

"I know," Lily said. All emotion was absent from her voice.

"I mean, sooner or later, you'll have no clothes!" Lily didn't respond. "Having you go from being silent, then tearful, then silent, then angry…it's just—Lily, I think you need to talk to somebody, especially now that we're looking into this court plan."

Lily sat up, suddenly more aware of her surroundings. "Like a therapist? No."

"Lily—"

"Mum! _He's _the crazy one!"

"Lily, I'm not going to fight with you," said her mother, standing up, and leaving the room.

Lily wasn't sure if that meant she had won or lost, but she knew the case was closed. With a shriek of frustration, she threw herself back down into the pile of clothing.

Author's Note: Review, my darlings:) Read and review _Just Passing Through_; it's lonely. Andddd, if you have time, I just put up a one-shot entitled _Destroyed. _


	29. Pain and Fear

Author's Note: So…I gave up reading fanfiction for lent. I can still write it (obviously), so please please please give me reviews because I need that. Just these three days have been killing me. Please? Thanks. Enjoy.

Lily found herself in almost the same position she had been in on September first. She was a single girl with a book in her hand, and the only difference was the absence of Lindsey.

Lily flipped through the pages in her newest novel, wishing she could get herself in the mood to read. There was absolutely too much on her mind.

Having made the decision to press charges against her father, most of her Christmas break had been spent talking to police officers and waking up from horrific nightmares. Oh, and there was also the issue of the therapist.

Lily had argued long and hard, but she may as well have argued with the telly because her mother paid no mind. Oh, it aggravated her.

The only problem Lily pointed out that her mother had paid any attention to was the fact that she would be at school, and the therapist would be at home. Ha! It was perfect, and Lily was sure her mother was stumped.

Unfortunately, Lily had been terribly wrong. Her mother had written to Dumbledore (leaving out, thankfully, why Lily had to speak with someone), and he was so damn understanding, of course. The damn saint. The two of them devised a plan together.

There would be a portkey set up in Hogsmeade for her every Saturday. Her personal portkey…_just _for her. Lily did not think talking to a therapist was _that _important.

Lily closed her eyes, resting her head against the window.

"Lily!"

Lily jumped. "Sirius?" she said, surprised. "James?"

She had no idea how this break-up was supposed to work. She wanted to give him space—that's what he needed, right?—and he decided he wanted to see her.

"We've been searching the train for you," said Sirius, sitting down across from her.

"Yeah," said James.

Were they insane? Had they forgotten what happened on Christmas?

"I wasn't sure you wanted…" Lily mumbled awkwardly.

"Umm, how was New Year's?" asked James, changing the subject. "Sister come over?"

Lily put her book down. There was no way she would have a chance to read it with the two boys around.

"It was okay, and no, she didn't," she answered simply.

She hadn't been prepared to deal with James on the train. She did not know what she was supposed to do or say.

Lily laid her head against the window again, hoping sleep would come.

After the night she threw and tore her clothes, she had gone through several more severe mood swings. Each resulted in some destruction of her own property. She was slightly afraid of freaking out during a class. People staring and asking questions would not help her deal with her problems.

"Lily!"

Lily turned to James, startled by his volume. "What?" she asked.

"Sorry, but I called you like six times," he said, laughing softly to hide the fact that he was clearly worried about her.

"Oh, sorry," said Lily. "I'm kind of distracted."

James nodded sympathetically. "Look, I don't want to be weird around you." He looked at Sirius. "He doesn't either."

Lily nodded slowly. "Meaning?"

"Well, it just seems we're kind of…weird," said James.

"We're not," said Lily quickly.

"No?" asked Sirius skeptically.

"Not weird," said Lily, shaking her head. "We're totally fine."

Lily seriously doubted James believed her. She wouldn't have blamed him if he laughed out loud at her pathetic lie, but he didn't.

"Good," said James, putting out his hand for her to shake.

She ignored the sick feeling in her stomach that was telling her to apologize for her mistake and beg him to take her back. She shook his hand, watching his eyes quickly look away from the bracelet he had given her.

Sirius held out his hand as well. "For the sake of…forgetting," he said.

Lily nodded, having no problem with shaking Sirius' hand.

Despite shaking and declaring no awkwardness, Lily could not handle sitting there any longer.

"I'm going to the bathroom," she announced.

Lily left the compartment without waiting for a response. She walked down the hall to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

It wasn't that she and James weren't together anymore. Lily had thought that was the problem, at first, but it wasn't. Something had happened, snapped, and all of the progress she had made was ruined. Lily could no longer be calm around the only boy she had grown to trust.

Lily collapsed against the door, overcome by her emotions. She put her head in her hands, trying to hold back tears.

"Trust him," she told herself desperately. She needed to be able to trust James Potter. She had improved so much because of him.

"Trust him," she said again. James would _not _hurt her. Was this coming from talking to the police? The new nightmares? Maybe. Maybe it was not a good idea to speak in court.

Lily took slow, deep breaths for a few moments. Soon enough, James would come, wondering why she was taking so long, but she couldn't bring herself to leave.

Lily stood up, looking at herself self-consciously in the mirror. She didn't like what she saw. There were dark bags under her eyes from lack of proper sleep. Her hair was a mess. Her eyes were brimming with tears; she let them go. What was the point in caring about how pretty she looked? It seemed to only get her into trouble.

It was probably good that she and James weren't a couple anymore. Sooner or later, he would have seen her for what she really was; maybe he already had.

She would have to leave school again only three weeks from the hour, and she could not believe she told her mother she would be ready so soon. In fact, she wasn't sure she'd be ready by her thirtieth birthday.

Not only was she incredibly unattractive, but apparently, she was also an idiot.

Lily realized she had been in the bathroom long enough to raise suspicion. Even if staying for the rest of the train ride seemed a better idea, she splashed her face with water, trying to make herself look somewhat presentable, and she left the bathroom reluctantly.

When Lily opened the door of the compartment, she saw that everything was exactly the way she had left it. Her book was on her seat, closed, and her bag was left unopened. Hopefully, both had looked that way the entire time.

"Hey," said Lily.

"Hi, Lily," said James. "I have something for you. It's not a big deal, but please don't read it until we're back at school, in separate rooms."

"Okay," said Lily slowly, looking quite curious. She accepted the folded piece of parchment James handed her.

Sirius sniggered, which earned him a hard nudge in the ribs. Lily was _very _curious.

"Ignore him," said James.

Lily nodded. Neither boy seemed to notice her disheveled appearance, so she thought she might have imagined how bad it really was.

"Can I read?" Lily asked, feeling a little rude.

"Of course," said James.

Lily tried to concentrate on her book, but she could not ignore the feeling that James was watching her, even if it was just a trick of her paranoia.

By the time they arrived at Hogwarts, Lily was glad she had frequently stayed at school for vacations. Two rides a year on the Hogwarts Express was quite enough

James and Sirius had been very respectful, surprisingly, talking quietly for almost the entire ride. Lily did not think it was humanly possible, but they managed it.

"So tired," said Lily, jumping down from the horseless carriage.

"Seriously," said James, taking a moment to stretch out his arms.

"So, Lily," said James, hoping to break the silence.

"Yeah?"

Sirius held the door open for the two of them, and they grabbed their trunks from the entrance hall.

James must have decided he had nothing worthwhile to say because he didn't speak again until they were in the common room.

"I'll um…see you later," said Lily, flying up the stairs.

"No weirdness," said Sirius sarcastically.

"None at all," said James.

"Am I paranoid? Was she not completely upset on the train?" asked James, lingering by the staircase.

"If we wait down here, chances are we will run into Lindsey," said Sirius, ignoring James' question entirely.

"Is that a bad thing?" James asked.

"Upstairs!" said Sirius.

James followed Sirius' order, and the two of them went up the stairs to their dormitory.

James opened the door. "Hey, Remus," he said, successfully getting the boy's attention.

Remus put his book down and sat up. "Hey. How was your Christmas?" he asked, smiling.

James sat down on Peter's bed, which was beside Remus'. Sirius sprawled out on his own. "It was…well, it was actually pretty horrible," James answered honestly.

"Where are Peter and Frank?" asked Sirius.

Remus chuckled. "Well, you know Frank. Alice is his life, always and forever. Peter is hanging out with this Hufflepuff he met the other day."

"Ooooh," said Sirius. "A girl?"

"Yes," said Remus, rolling his eyes. "Now, back to you guys. What made it so bad?"

"Lily," said James.

"They broke up," said Sirius.

Remus' eyes widened. "No way! Already?"

James nodded. "What did you do?"

James glared at him. "Is it so hard to believe," said James, "that maybe I didn't do anything?"

Remus laughed softly. "James, what did you do?" he asked again, trying to sound more sympathetic.

James glared again. "She kissed another guy, Moony."

"Oh," said Remus, caught by surprise. "Wow. I'm so sorry. I—do you know who?" he asked.

"I've seen him, but I don't know him by name," James lied. Sirius looked anywhere but at him.

"I'm sorry," said Remus. "Maybe you should have talked to her, though. Did you see it happen or—"

"You know, I don't really feel like talking about this," said James. "I'm tired."

"I understand," said Remus. "I'll just get back to my reading."

When Lily got to her room, she saw that she was alone with Hope Cameron. "Hi, Lily," said Hope immediately.

Hope was lying on her side, facing the other wall. She always knew who entered by the "sound of the footsteps." It was kind of creepy.

"Hey. How are you?" said Lily.

Hope didn't turn around. "I painted my nails," she said proudly.

"Nice," said Lily, dropping her trunk with a loud thud.

"It is, isn't it?"

Lily took her bag off her shoulder, pulling out the note James had given her to read.

"I don't understand why we all have to eat together," said Lily, sitting down on her bed. "Why do we need to have a feast?"

Hope finally turned around. "We always do this before a new term, Lily," she said.

"Yeah, I know."

Lily opened up the folded parchment and read silently to herself.

December 25th: Every bit of you is pure insanity.

December 26th: You're so damn stubborn.

December 27th: When you walk into the room, I swear that time stops. No matter what, you always keep me smiling.

December 28th: You have the ability to hurt me. You use it.

Lily frowned at this point. She had a good feeling that he was referring to her meaningless kiss with Sirius.

"What are you looking at?" asked Hope curiously, getting to her feet.

"It's nothing," said Lily, stashing the note in her pocket.

Hope raised an eyebrow. "I suppose it's your business." But it was clear she still wanted to know.

"Okay," said Lily. "You know how James said, at the beginning of the year, he would give me three hundred and three reasons for why he was in love with me?" Hope nodded. "Well, we…we didn't speak over break," said Lily. Technically, it was true. "Anyway, he wanted to fill me in on the ones I'd missed."

Hope smiled, which was a rare thing for her. Her blue eyes shined happily. "He's so sweet. He helps me with my homework a lot."

"Yeah," said Lily. "He's like that."

Hope bit her lip. "But why does he need to keep giving you the reasons?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

Lily thought it was obvious. He had said he would give her the reasons, so he was planning on keeping his promise. Why else?"

"Well, that was started because he knew you didn't believe he loved you the way he does, right?"

"Right," said Lily.

"Now you're together."

"Yes," she said, still not comprehending.

"Well, the point was to convince you of his feelings. You are convinced now, aren't you? He can stop, can't he?"

Leave it to Hope to confuse a person.

"I guess, but still…he said…he would, so…"

"Or maybe," said Hope thoughtfully, "you're not convinced."

"I am," said Lily defensively.

"Maybe he thinks you need to be reminded a lot."

"That's ridiculous," said Lily, crossing her arms."

Hope shrugged. "I'm just guessing here."

"Then, stop," Lily demanded.

She was tired of people trying to figure her out. She was not insecure about the way James felt about her. Well, they weren't together anymore, so she wasn't sure anymore what he was feeling, but before she was dumped, she, of course, had been sure.

Lily sighed. Why had she been afraid to tell him about Avery? She told herself that it was only because she had been afraid that he would try to hurt him in some way, but then why did she tell Sirius first? Surely, he would be the first one to kick anyone's ass without a second thought. James was much calmer than that. She had still told Sirius first.

There was no way she had feelings for Sirius. After she had kissed him (and during the kiss), she felt nothing but pure guilt. No spark, no love, not even a tiny bit of lust. Nothing.

Then what the hell was it?

She knew James would love her no matter what, didn't she? There was no part of her that felt he would lose interest in her if she had already been played with by another boy, was there?

Lily sighed. Maybe that was why she told Sirius. Maybe that was why she needed that kiss. Some part of her felt that if she told James, he would abandon her, that he wouldn't be interested in tainted goods. Perhaps it was that she knew, since Sirius wasn't interested in her in the first place, he was safe to talk to.

Who would have thought that Hope would be right? She was insecure, and in a very bad way.

Lily groaned. "Can we just go to dinner now?"

Hope nodded. "Let's go."

Lily refused to read the rest of her note with Hope beside her, but it was constantly on her mind through dinner. She could barely concentrate on Dumbledore's speech or, for that matter, her food.

James was down at the other end of the table with the other marauders, and Lily guiltily found herself wishing she were down with him. Hope was a very nice person; she really was.

She was just…scary. Lily glanced at her, hoping she wouldn't notice. Her nails were painted, as she had said, blue and orange, and she had two different earrings in, both reaching past her shoulders. She wore more make-up than Lily's mother, sister, and aunt put together, and she had four pairs of the same shirt and two pairs of the same jeans. She somehow knew everything about everyone, and she believed she could see into the future. Lily wasn't sure she believed in that, but she was still a bit afraid of asking her to tell her what her life looked like in years to come, just in case it was bad, and it was true. Lily didn't think she would have been surprised if Hope read, "_You future looks hopeless."_

Lily wondered, while she was critiquing Hope's personality, what people thought of her. It couldn't be anything good. She figured she'd rather be a crazy fortune-teller than a raped and broken seventeen year old.

Lily blinked when Hope accidentally dropped her steak knife into Lily's lap. She absentmindedly picked it up to hand it back to Hope, but then she focused on it for, she supposed, a second too long. For the first time during the entire dinner, the note, James, and Hope completely flew out of her mind because of the stupid little knife.

She shook her head, handing Hope the knife back. For a moment, she had freaked herself out. She picked up her own knife, and to avoid the suspicious looks Hope was giving her, she decided to finally eat something.

Lily usually rushed out before anyone else, but after dinner had ended, she felt like hanging out for a bit more. She was alone, which was a plus, and even though Hope looked slightly concerned about leaving her, she still let her stay back. Lily just needed a moment, and she wouldn't get that in the common room or her dormitory. She had her book, and that was all she needed.

It wasn't mandatory for her to be in the common room until eleven, and she and James were free of patrolling until term actually began the next evening, so she had nothing keeping her from reading alone at her table.

Nothing at all kept her from doing it except her own stupid thoughts, of course. (Author's Note: Don't you hate that?) Her empty plate had not yet vanished. The House-Elves were obviously confused about the fact that a seventh year that should have wanted to be in her bedroom was sitting alone at a table in the Great Hall.

However, with the serenity of the empty Great Hall, nothing should have distracted her. She glanced again at her plate. The fork and knife were resting easily on top of it. It was a fork and knife, simply silverware, nothing she didn't see every day, but she could not ignore her fascination with it.

Lily tried to see if it passed by. It was probably one of her moods. It was one of her stupid moods that caused her to rip her clothes to pieces. It would pass. It would disappear.

It wouldn't go _away._

Lily slammed her book closed, threw it in her bag, and put the bag over her shoulder. She wasn't good with things that were unfamiliar, and that was the problem. She simply needed to go to a familiar atmosphere, and these thoughts would fly away.

Her green eyes found the shiny steak knife again, and she threw it into her bag as well. Maybe it would make her feel safer around guys. She would relax, knowing in the back of her mind that if a man tried to touch her, there was a knife in her bag, considering they usually took her wand from her.

What was wrong with a little self-defense?

Lily walked out of the Great Hall, feeling a lot less confident than she tried to convince herself she was.

When Lily got to her dormitory, Hope was lying on her side again, reading a magazine, and she said nothing when Lily entered. Alice and Amelia were talking quietly on Alice's bed. Lily wasn't sure she wanted to hear about it, considering it was probably about Alice's date. Kalypso, the early-riser of the group, was already in bed. Lily didn't bother to say hello. They were all distracted.

"I'm going to take a shower," said Lily, getting no reply from anyone.

Lily took her bag into the bathroom with her and locked the door behind her. To keep up appearances, she turned the shower on, but she didn't get in. She stood against the door and pulled the list back out of her pocket. Finding the one she had left off at, she continued reading in a whisper.

"December 29th: You've made me realize that there were so many more important things out there than what I had been previously focusing on."

Well, even if the others seemed a bit far-fetched, that one was probably true.

"December 30th: My parents respect me more because of you. (Yes, that will probably require some sort of an explanation.)"

Lily laughed, wondering what the hell that could mean.

"December 31st: **This was sort of inspired by the spirit of New Year's Eve**. I have reason to look forward to the start of the New Year. I have a reason to be excited."

Okay, they _were _broken up, right?

"January 1st: You sucked me into the world of reading. I'll admit it…I like it."

Lily laughed again.

"January 2nd (The day you'll probably receive this): You have always pointed me in the right direction. You always know what to do, and it inspires me. "

Lily found herself crying again. No, she didn't know what to do. Is that the way it looked to other people? She had no _idea _what to do. What direction had she pointed him in? It probably wasn't the right one.

Lily put her head in her hands, sobbing loudly, but not caring about possibly being heard. The shower most likely blocked out the sound of it anyway.

"I don't know what to do," said Lily.

It was the first time she had ever voiced it aloud, and James' list had brought her painfully down to earth with the realization that she _had _falsely led him. He _didn't _know who she truly was, how broken she really was. He _wouldn't _love her if he knew. Hell, one of her reasons was something completely untrue, so how could he?

Lily furiously threw the letter across the room, but it essentially did nothing. It was only a measly piece of parchment, after all.

She didn't know what to do. That stupid and painful thought was stuck in her head now.

Feeling incredibly disgusted with herself, Lily took out the knife from her bag. She quickly realized why the back of her mind had begged her to take it, and she felt even worse. She was not cowardly enough to drag a knife across her skin. Lily was many things, but she was not weak.

She took a deep breath, and she slowly placed the knife down beside her. She would not be one of those people. She was stronger than that, better than that. She was not a _cutter. _

But everything hurt. Everything hurt so badly, and she wasn't sure she _was _as strong as she was trying to make herself believe.

Would it really help? She had heard so many stories about it, but it didn't make any sense. She supposed that the only way to make herself understand would be if she did it.

But she wasn't going to. She didn't _need _to, so she wasn't going to. It could only complicate things for her.

Lily picked up the knife again, playing with it in her hands. Of course, just testing it out couldn't hurt. Well, it could, technically, but it wouldn't help her; she knew it wouldn't. Therefore, after doing it once and showing herself that it was _clearly _a bad idea, she would be able to prevent the desire from ever coming back.

One time, one cut…it was just as harmless as an accidental paper cut.

And she wouldn't like it at all. She knew it was stupid, and she knew she wouldn't like it. She didn't _need _to do it. It would just appease the _stupid _part of her brain.

Just one cut.

One mark.

One little line.

Then, it would be over.

Lily, feeling disgusting and weak and a little afraid of herself, picked up the dirty knife. She stood up, and she cleaned it off. If she were going to be doing this…as an experiment to prove how good it _wouldn't _feel, her knife would have to be clean.

Then, she placed the knife slightly above her bellybutton, somewhere that no one would ever see, and she pushed just the point of it down slightly, shaking the entire time, and dragged it to make a small line.

"Ow," she said, taking a short breath.

Lily was still crying, and looking at the blood made the tears come stronger and faster. What had she done to herself? She had never considered herself to be this kind of a person.

And she wasn't. She _hated _cutting.

However, that voice that told her it was wrong was slowly fading until it was so quiet she could barely hear it anymore. She had to do it just once more.

A line almost identical to the first was formed above it, and then Lily threw the knife into the sink. She grabbed the first small towel she could reach and pressed it to her stomach, putting as much pressure on it as possible. She was furious with herself. She had let it happen twice. Two times.

After she had gotten the bleeding to stop, she thought about healing it. It wouldn't be difficult; she knew some good spells. For some reason, though, she didn't want to. It sounded awful, but with the low self-esteem she had been dealing with, she couldn't help but feel that, with the cuts, she was prettier than she had ever been.

After the cutting incident, Lily decided that she would take a shower while she was in there. It was the excuse she'd gone in with, so it made sense.

Lily was surprised to find that she had been crying and showering and **cutting…only twice** in the bathroom for longer than an hour.

She allowed a small smile to come to her face when she saw that all her roommates were asleep. Even Hope, who usually stayed up until midnight or later, was sleeping. Obviously, the extensive amount of food at the feast had worn them out.

Lily got into bed as well. Sleep was probably a good idea for her. She ran her fingers along the lines on her stomach, and she imagined what her mother would say. Thinking of her mother, however, didn't bring the guilt Lily had thought it would have. It only made her think about her father.

Lily sat up suddenly in bed. After the decision of court had been made, Lily had constantly felt that he was watching her. She knew it was irrational. Her father could not get into Hogwarts, and even if he could, he never would.

Still, Lily had felt much safer at home with her mother to run to. She didn't exactly _run _to her. She kind of slept in her own doorway, too embarrassed to sleep in her mother's, and it was close enough to her mother's bedroom that she felt protected. She knew that, in a heartbeat, her mother would protect her if he ever came into their house again.

But he never did, and he never would, especially not at Hogwarts. Her father was much too afraid to do bother her with the trial approaching, which meant that Lily probably should have felt even safer, but she didn't.

Now, she didn't even have her mother. It was dark. It was so dark in her room that she wouldn't be able to see him. Lily's breaths were coming out short and fast, and her chest was hurting. She couldn't wake one of the girls; they wouldn't understand.

Lily was trying to be as quiet as she could, but she swore she felt a presence in the room.

'No,' she told herself. 'You are being silly. There is no one in the room that shouldn't be.'

There were tears in her eyes now. She was so bloody scared.

Even though it made no logical sense, Lily jumped out of bed, grabbed a sweatshirt to put over her pajamas, and she walked out of her dormitory, closing the door quietly behind her.

From prior visits, Lily knew where James' dormitory was. She took a deep breath and knocked softly. As she had hoped, she got no response, which meant they were either dead, sneaking out somewhere, or sleeping. Lily hoped for the third one.

The door was not locked, so she didn't even have to use her wand. Apparently, the boys didn't care about anyone breaking in or maybe they realized, unlike Lily, that no one horrible was going to, especially not without the Gryffindor password.

They were sleeping. It really wasn't surprising that after a long break, an exhausting train ride, and a fulfilling feast, that everyone except for Lily would be comfortably snoozing.

Lily closed the door and tiptoed to James' bed. She wondered what the best way to go about was. She didn't want to frighten him or accidentally wake the others, but she _did_ need to wake him.

Lily kneeled down beside his bed and tapped him lightly. "James," she whispered, close to his ear, so as not to disturb the others. The weird feeling of being so close to him was overpowered by the fear of being alone.

"James?"

She couldn't be afraid of James anymore. After all, there were three other boys in his room. It was ridiculous to worry that he might hurt her.

Without understanding why, Lily felt herself starting to cry again. She cursed and tried her best to hide it. She could not wake the others. It would be too humiliating.

"James," she said again, swallowing the lump in her throat that was begging to let her sob uncontrollably for at least a day.

James might have heard her; Lily wasn't sure. His breathing changed a bit, and Lily thought he might have woken up and was trying to fall back to sleep right away.

"James," she said again, sure he would respond.

James opened his eyes, confused. Partly because of the lack of light and partly because his glasses weren't on, he struggled to see the figure next to him.

"James," said Lily tearfully, still trying to be quiet.

"Lily?" said James, sitting up. He grabbed his glasses off the nightstand, put them on his face, and reached out to touch her shoulder. "Lily, what's wrong? Is everything okay?" he asked worriedly.

Lily shivered slightly from the cold. "Yeah," she whispered. "I'm fine."

"Lily," he said, rubbing his eyes. "Let's try that again. What's wrong?"

Lily was going to lie again. She was going to say that nothing was wrong, that maybe she had just wanted to say hi, but she really didn't see the point. She was so close to crying, so scared, and in so much pain. She needed him, and she didn't care if he knew.

"It's so stupid," she said.

In her voice, James was able to tell that she was crying.

"Lily…tell me what's wrong."

"I'm so… It doesn't even make any sense. Nothing can happen to me here, right?"

"I—"

"I know. It's just. I just can't see it that way. It's all irrational. I'm so afraid."

"Lily—"

He was interrupted again. "And I have no right to bother you. I am, after all, the cause of all _your _problems."

"_Lily—"_

"I shouldn't be here," said Lily, but she didn't move from her spot. "I shouldn't be here. You're trying to sleep. I shouldn't be here." Lily was letting her sobs free. It seemed the other boys could sleep through anything. "All I do is screw things up. I shouldn't be here."

"Lily!" said James loudly. He turned on the lamp by his bed. He looked at each of his friends. Only Sirius seemed to have noticed. He slapped his hand over his eyes, let it fall, and went right back to snoring.

Lily's eyes were red. She had definitely been crying for a while. She looked exhausted. Her arms were wrapped around her middle protectively, and she kept repeating the same phrase over and over again.

"Come here," said James, moving over to give her space.

Lily shook her head quickly. "I won't do anything," James promised. "I wouldn't do that."

Again, Lily's fear of one thing took over the other. She reluctantly climbed under the covers of James' bed, feeling instantly warmer.

James turned the light off again. "Tell me what happened," he said, running his fingers through her hair.

"I'm going to court, James. For…for my dad."

"Good," said James, clearly missing the point.

"I'm _scared," _said Lily. "I feel like…he's watching me all the time. I feel like he's going to come…and…and."

"Shh," said James, letting his hand fall from her hair to her back. Lily put her head against his chest.

"I'm a terrible person," said Lily.

"Of course you're not. Not even close."

"You," said Lily, "make me out to be this…this goddess type thing, and I can't—I can't match that, James. And, I've done things that hurt you, and that hurt us. I—"

"Don't think about it," said James. "Don't talk about that."

"But—"

"Just relax," said James. "Think about nothing except relaxing."

Lily was shaking against him, struggling to relax her body before she began to work on her mind.

"No one is going to hurt you, Lily," said James, rubbing her back, attempting to make her tremors stop.

Lily felt it unnecessary to mutter something like _"Except me." _"I know," she said. "I do know that, but I still…"

"I know," said James. "Just try to sleep."

"James, don't hate me."

"I don't," said James. "Not at all."

"I mean, when you find out," she said, "that I'm not the girl you think I am, don't hate me."

James would have argued that she was everything he thought she was, and that she was just being ridiculous because of their break up and the court situation, but he decided not to bother. There would be time for that some other day.

"I could never hate you, Lily," he said instead.

" Can you promise me that?" asked Lily. She had decided to accept the insecurity she obviously had rather than avoid it like she had a tendency to do with everything else in her life.

"I do," said James.

"Thank you," said Lily, relaxing into his arms.

For the first night in what could have been a year, Lily slept peacefully.

Author's Note: Please review. This was, I think, the longest chapter I've ever written. So, tell me what you think, and I just wanted to let you know (because one person in particular is concerned about it) that the whole death in Hogwarts situation has not disappeared. That will be coming back.


	30. No Freaking Way

Author's Note: First, I want to say that I can't believe I've made it to chapter thirty. Wow. There's just something about this chapter that I didn't like. Please forgive me. Also, it may seem—eh—kind of incomplete, and that's supposed to happen. Maybe you'll see what I mean; maybe you won't. Please review!!

Lily woke up in James Potter's bed. It took a minute or so for everything from the previous night to come back to her. James was fast asleep, his arms wrapped securely around her middle. Lily almost forgot why that _hurt. _

Lily had to take his hands, still clasped, pull them over her head, and drop them back down before she was able to get free.

It was only after she left that she realized she would probably feel that same way every night. Would she have to sneak into his bedroom night after night, crying and telling him how scared she was? Would he accept her into his bed (innocently, of course) every single time? Yes, he would. He was James.

But was she leading him on in some way? She had made it pretty obvious that she was upset, but maybe he thought she wanted him back.

So what, though? She _did. He_ dumped _her. _

Lily slipped quietly into her own room to change her clothes before breakfast.

None of her roommates was awake yet, which she was pleased about. IT gave her the time to dress, think, and get out before any of them decided to talk to her.

Lily walked down to the common room. She had expected to be the first one down, since it was so early, so she was surprised when she saw Remus on the couch, reading a book.

"Hey," she said.

Remus looked up from his book, not as surprised as she was. "Hi, Lily," he said softly.

"How long have you been down here?" she asked. He must have seen her with James.

Remus shrugged. "Maybe twenty minutes," he said.

"Oh," said Lily.

"Lindsey is up too. She went to the nurse, though. We were talking."

Lily nodded, not really paying attention. "How is she doing?"

Remus shrugged. "She stayed here for break. I guess she doesn't want to face telling her parents, which, I guess, is understandable."

Lily sighed, sitting down beside him. "I feel like we're living in an alternate universe. Lindsey's pregnant with Sirius' baby, and who would have thought James and I would have become a thing?" said Lily, chuckling. "It's crazy."

"Yeah," said Remus, book marking his page. "And who would have thought you'd be the one to ruin it," said Remus coolly.

Lily wasn't sure how she was supposed to react to that Apologize? Ignore it? Did Remus even know the situation?

"I—I'm sorry," said Lily.

Remus stood up. "Lily," he said, calm as ever. "You're like my sister. I'm constantly worrying about you, On occasion, I'm…stupidly protective."

Lily remembered a certain situation where Remus had reprimanded her date during a Hogsmeade trip, telling him that he wasn't good enough for her. Sadly, it turned out he had been right.

"And, I had this whole speech I planned to give to James—more of a lecture on how he should treat you—if he ever hurt you, but I had never thought that you would do it He's one of my best friends, Lily."

"Yeah, I—"

Remus cut her off. "And then I see you in his bed, and I just say to myself, 'What possessed you to do this to him?"

Lily sighed. "Apparently, he doesn't think that I'm ready for a relationship right now."

"Tell him you are!" said Remus, glancing at the stairs to make sure no one was coming down.

"Well, what if I'm not? I have a lot on my mind right now."

"You can't let him help?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Why are you so hung up on this? Why are you so interested in our relationship?"

Remus didn't respond. "You're the same as you've always been. Answer questions with more questions, lose your temper, and try to turn it on me.

"Well, why don't you just find your own damn girlfriend?" asked Lily.

Even as she spoke, Lily couldn't believe she was speaking to Remus in that way. He was right, and she didn't like it. Lily took a deep breath. She was having another one of her "mood-attacks," and all she wanted to do was hurt him.

"Or, are you afraid no one will want you for what you really are?"

Remus sighed, picking up his stuff. "I'm used to that."

Remus then walked out of the common room, and Lily felt horrible. What was wrong with her? She got up from the couch, planning on heading down to the Great Hall. She hoped Remus was not there.

It must have been the first place Remus thought she would have looked because he wasn't in the Great Hall. It was so early that Lily expected to be alone, but there were a few Ravenclaws eating, and Lindsey was there as well.

Not feeling hungry, she sat down across from her without a plate.

"Hello," said Lily. "I thought you were at the nurse."

"I was," said Lindsey. "I got a headache potion. Then, I felt hungry, so here I am."

"Yes," said Lily, watching Lindsey push cereal around the bowl.

Lindsey stared at the cereal, looking as if she wanted to eat it, but she wasn't sure how.

"Lindsey," said Lily softly. "I know you're going through a rough time…"

"Oh, you don't have to help," said Lindsey, looking embarrassed. "I know you've had stuff going on too."

"It's fine. Plus, I don't know how I _can _help, but if you need anything…"

Lily nodded, understanding. She hesitantly took a bite of her cereal.

"So, how are you feeling?" asked Lily, watching her closely.

Lindsey smiled slightly. "Pregnant."

"Surprising," said Lily, and she felt herself smiling along with her. "But really…"

"Well, I'm nauseous right now, but I still feeling like eating. I just don't feel like throwing up again."

"I certainly don't blame you for that," said Lily, turning her eyes to the Ravenclaw table while Lindsey ate. There was not much else to talk about.

"Sirius was so weird last night," said Lindsey. "Before he went to bed, we were talking for a bit, and he kept asking me if I need anything, and if he could bring me a drink or something, and just all this other stuff. He was so sweet."

Lily smiled, turning back at her" "Yeah?"

"Mhmm," said Lindsey. "We didn't talk that much about the baby, but it was implied."

She let her spoon fall into the bowl, shaking her head. "I can't believe I am saying that word."

"Do you know what you're going to do?" asked Lily, looking grim.

Lindsey sighed. "I know it's wrong to avoid it, but I'm trying to."

Lily nodded. "Who am I to judge? I'm not exactly pregnant, am I?"

Lindsey suddenly looked about ready to cry, but she took a few deep breaths to prevent it.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course," said Lily, happy to help in any way she could.

"Would you think I'm crazy to keep it, like as my own?" she asked.

Lily didn't know how to truthfully answer that. She bit her lip. "Not crazy."

Lindsey's face fell further. "But you don't think I should?"

"Lindsey, I think that it will be hard, but you'll be able to."

Lily did not know that for a fact, of course; she actually didn't know much about her capabilities, but she was sure Lindsey would turn out okay in whatever decision she made.

"Are you and Sirius together?" Lily asked.

Lindsey shrugged. "Talk to him for me!" she said, seeing a brilliant plan in the works.

"Oh, no," said Lily. "Do you remember the last time I talked to Sirius for you?"

"Yeah, but this will be different. Just ask him what he expects from me, Lily!"

"Umm…" Lily would have protested again, but Lindsey saw James, Sirius, and Peter coming into the hall with many others.

"May we sit, ladies?" asked Sirius.

"Of course," said Lindsey, patting the spot next to her.

James sat next to Lily, and Peter took the empty spot on the other side of Lindsey.

James carefully avoided Lily's eyes as he buttered a measly piece of toast for his breakfast.

"Hello," said Lily.

"Hi," said James, keeping his eyes down.

Lily understood that to mean they weren't going to talk about her little episode the night before.

Lily looked over at Lindsey again. Sirius was asking her question after question, but she still seemed to be enjoying his (slightly annoying) company.

She wondered how she would feel if she had gotten pregnant with James' child, but they weren't together anymore. Of course, she would feel alone, as she already did. She couldn't imagine avoiding the problem, like Lindsey had said. Every moment of time would probably be devoted to worrying about the child. Would she keep it? Raise it herself? Would James want to be a part of it? Would her parents?

Lily mentally slapped herself for worrying about that stuff. She had enough real problems without creating imaginary ones.

"Have you seen Remus?" Sirius asked Lily and Lindsey.

Lily looked down. She laid her hand on her stomach, breathing quickly. Not only had she purposely hurt herself, but she had also purposely said something to hurt someone else. And why? To get him off her back. To make him go away. To make him stop caring? Lily wasn't sure what the real reason was, but by making Remus angry with her, she knew she would not have to worry about feeling guilty around him because he wouldn't be around her.

"Yes," said Lindsey. "He was reading in the common room when I got up. Was he still there when you got down?"

"Must have gone to the library or something," Lily mumbled.

"Yeah, probably," said James, rolling his eyes.

Sirius and Lindsey became wrapped up in their own conversation again, so the three of them were left to make small talk.

"So, how are you?" Peter aked.

Lily sighed. "Okay. You?"

"Good," said Peter.

James looked up from his plate. "I think it's going to rain."

"Good," said Lily. "Rain is good."

"Yeah," said Jams. "Feeds the plants."

Lily had never had such an awkward discussion in her life.

"Well, I'm going to go find Remus," said James.

"I'll come, "Lily volunteered.

"I'm going to stay and finish up," said Peter, gesturing to his food.

Lily and James nodded. James picked up his books, which reminded Lily that she had to get to her room.

"Can we go back to the common room first?" Lily asked.

"You know," said James, holding the door open for her, "that you don't have to come with me. You can go ahead to the common room without me."

"No," said Lily. She wanted to talk to him before she lost the nerve.

"Okay," said James, raising an eyebrow. "Then, let's go back to the common room—pointlessly—together.

During their time together in the hallways, Lily felt strange, but James was, as always, oblivious.

Lily reluctantly brought up the subject. "James, are you aware that I slept in your bed last night?"

"You mean that wasn't a dream?"

Lily looked at him, annoyed.

"I'm kidding," said James. "Yes, I am aware."

"And you don't think this is something that needs to be discussed."

"Not really," said James.

---Lily and James made their way to the Portrait Hole, and James said the password before walking through with Lily.

"I mean, I thought we decided to be like…friends or whatever. No weirdness," said James.

"I'll be right back," said Lily.

She went up the stairs to the dormitories, hoping Jams wouldn't abandon her before she got back down. She grabbed her books from under her bed and quickly left the room.

When she got downstairs, James was waiting for her patiently, as always, leaning against a chair.

Lily continued the conversation right where they had left off. "James, we are…friends or something, but I don't think sleeping with your friend—I mean, next to your friend—is normal."

"So, don't do it again," said James simply. "Don't know what you want me to say."

The two of them left the common room. Lily glared at him. "I want you to ask me what I came in."

"You were upset," said James. "It's kind of obvious."

Lily sighed. There was something about James' attitude that was bothering her greatly.

"Well, it's probably going to happen again," said Lily, sounding childish.

"Okay," said James. "You think he went to class already?"

"I don't know," said Lily "Why are you completely apathetic?"

"I'm sorry," said James. "I'm trying not to get mad. I'm trying to hide my confusion. I'm trying to be kind, and I'm trying to forgive you. I'm trying to figure out what the hell you want. If I come off as apathetic, I'm sorry!"

Lily smiled. "That wasn't so hard."

James stared at her for a good, long, time, acting as if he had never seen such a person.

"I really don't know what to do anymore, Lily."

Lily's smile fell, and she nodded. "I know. I'm so…messed up."

"You want to talk about it?" James asked.

"I'm not…acting normally, and I can't seem to remember what normalcy even is."

James clearly did not realize how serious she was being. He laughed. "Lily, you are amazing. Perfect. Don't worry about anything."

Lily groaned, walking up a flight of stairs with him, their search for Remus forgotten. "Don't say that! I am so NOT."

"Okay," said James, but he was smiling—humoring her. "You're not amazing and perfect."

Lily rolled her eyes. "I'm not kidding, James," she said, raising her voice angrily. "Do you hear me right now?"

"Yes," said James slowly.

"I am having an outburst because you sort of complimented me. That's not right."

"Shh," said James.

Lily was shouting now, and people were staring, wondering if James and Lily were in a fight. Lily wasn't sure how much of the school knew about their breakup.

She took a deep breath and stopped in the middle of the corridor. Lowering her voice, she said, "This is really a bad time for me to lose you, James."

"This is a really bad time for you to tell me that," said James. "And I'm trying to—to develop my own personality that doesn't revolve solely around you! I can't even talk about this right now."

"Fine, forget it," said Lily, looking down. "Are they still looking?"

"Yeah," said James.

Slowly, he reached out his hand, and he placed it on Lily's shoulder. "We do have some things to talk about."

Lily still didn't look up. "I thought we could do without it, but—"

"Obviously not," said James, nodding.

Lily figured it was as good of a time as any to say, "I'm going to court."

"For—for your dad?" asked James, becoming serious.

"Yes," said Lily. "I mean, I had hoped you might come—as a friend and all."

"If you want me there, I'm there," said James immediately.

"Thanks," said Lily.

The conversation was getting more and more uncomfortable as it went on.

James checked his watch. "Class is starting really soon."

"Right," said Lily. "Maybe we should just go. You'll see Remus there."

"Yeah," said James.

Anything to get way from the stared.

Lily and James started walking in the direction that would lead them to Transfiguration. Lily decided that it would prevent future yelling and tears if she just said nothing.

So, they were silent for the entire journey.

James was kind enough to hold the door open for her when they were walking in, and Lily smiled politely before taking her seat.

It was a lot harder than Lily thought it would have been—being polite to James. Loving him…wasn't that hard. Screaming at him? Easy.

But being polite and cold at the same time was difficult, but surprisingly possible.

There were a few other students in the classroom, and one was Remus. Lily thought it would be best to steer clear of him; it wasn't so hard because Remus didn't once look her way. He talked to James as if nothing had occurred between Remus and herself.

Remus and James sat two rows in front of her—technically, the seat Remus was occupying was Sirius', but he would move when the boy in question decided to stroll in. She couldn't help watching them talk quietly, wishing she hadn't said something so offensive to Remus.

It wouldn't have been so bad if Remus weren't so sensitive about the werewolf topic. Lily knew she had crossed the line by saying that he'd never find a girl to love him just because of that, but he _was _thinking it already, so was voicing it really a big problem?

Apparently. She was so confused. One second, she is happy she has hurt Remus' feelings. Happy? Feeling happy about someone else's pain?

It was so wrong, and she knew it.

But she liked that happy feeling, that feeling of having the power to hurt someone with a few short words.

Lily had never in her life felt the need for so much power; the word power had never been at all important to her, but now…now it seemed to be all she thought about.

True, she didn't hurt him as bad as she could have, but honestly, those words had stung deeper than plunging a knife through his heart.

_Knife._

The holder of all the power.

No matter what Lily did or thought about, she always seemed to come back to the knife. Ever since the moment she walked out of that bathroom, she had thought about it…

Lily had to admit to herself that it had felt good. There was no way to deny it.

But…it had felt awful as well. She had felt absolutely pathetic the entire time, doing something she had always pitied people for doing.

Lily closed her eyes, trying to block the image of the knife in her hand, but that, of course, only made it clearer.

"Lily?"

Lily's eyes flew open, and she banged her elbow on the desk from surprise. "Oh, ow," she said, rubbing her elbow.

"I'm sorry," said Ellie, the girl who sat next to her. "I didn't mean to scare you."

Some more students were beginning to file in, which meant it was getting closer to the beginning of the class.

"No problem. Listen, I'll be right back. If McGonagall shows up before that, please tell her I had to make an emergency bathroom visit," said Lily, getting up from her chair.

"Okay," said Ellie.

Once out of the classroom, Lily broke into a run, pulling the door open of the nearest bathroom.

She checked out the entire bathroom, making sure no one was in there, but she decided it would be all too easy for someone to walk in anyway, so she shut herself up in a stall and put her bag down on the ground beside her.

She pulled the cover down over the toilet seat and sat down, putting her head in her hands.

If she sat there long enough, thinking about what she was about to do, taking deep breaths, and telling herself it wasn't worth it, then she would be able to walk away from the knife.

Right?

Lily took a deep breath. "It is not worth it," she said to herself, feeling stupid. "You are stronger than this."

But was she? Was Lily really stronger than this? She wasn't sure. Maybe that feeling of power—that perfect sense of knowing the kind of thing she could inflict upon herself with no one else's consent—was good for her. Who was to say it wasn't?

Feeling only a tiny bit less angry with herself than the first time, Lily picked up her bag. She pulled the knife out of one of the compartments, and she lifted her shirt. Involuntarily, she trembled, seeing the old lines.

She moved the knife to a place a little to the right of the other lines, and she pressed the knife to her skin, more strongly than the first time she had done it. She grabbed some toilet paper and pressed it to her skin.

She was developing some of her pre-crazy-moment thoughts again, and she realized that she was an idiot.

After the blood had dried (difficultly), she pulled her shirt back down, promising herself that she would never do it again, and throwing the knife back in her bag. She couldn't very well leave it lying around the bathroom, could she?

Shaking slightly, Lily picked up her bag, and she left the bathroom.

When she reentered the classroom, Professor McGonagall only smiled at her. She didn't chastise her for being late, partly because Ellie had probably delivered the message, and partly because McGonagall would never assume that Lily was doing something wrong.

Not Lily Evans.

No freaking way.

The mark she had made was still burning painfully, but she didn't dare touch it. She had made the mark, and she would ignore the mark.

"Lily, are you okay?" asked Ellie. "You look like you've been crying."

Lily nodded. "I'm fine."

The girl's concern made her feel like throwing up.

She was lying to people, criticizing people, purposely hurting people, hurting her_self_, ripping her clothes (which had, unfortunately, occurred again), and yet there was nothing wrong with Lily.

No freaking way.

Author's Note: Tough to write. I'm really tired. Pleeeease review!


	31. Family

Author's Note: Here's All You Wanted. Okay, I just wanted to say right here that Kitty East made me very happy. She made _Sick _her "Featured Fic of the Month" of March…and I thank her for both the advertisement of the story (lol) and the honor of being chosen. I'm entirely too happy about it, so there you go. If there are any of you who don't read that…maybe you should try ;). Enjoy the chapter!

Okay, so that whole idea about finding himself? Yeah, it really sucked. Apparently, _he _really sucked. His whole plan had really sucked. Why had he decided to find his true self, the James Potter without the Lily Evans? For the life of him, he could not imagine what had possessed him to do so.

The James Potter without the Lily Evans was not worthy of existence.

"And did you know that I like reading?" James asked, shaking his head in disbelief. "Yeah. Apparently, I like reading."

Remus tried unsuccessfully to hide his amusement.

James had come into the dormitory, grumbling and complaining. Sitting down on his bed, he began his discussion (which had started as mostly a one-sided conversation) about Lily. When he became practically panic-stricken, Remus sat down next to him.

"Reading is not a bad thing, James," said Remus, patting his friend on the shoulder.

"Oh, it _is!" _said James hysterically. "Who, besides you and Lily, likes reading? The James Potter in love with Lily Evans certainly didn't."

James was not quite sure why Peter and Remus were not so concerned about his awful adoration for reading. If he didn't know better, he would have thought they were entertained by his disturbing discovery.

"What else does 'James Prior to Lily' like?" asked Remus.

James put his head in his hands, and Remus moved further away, afraid he would cry. Peter watched nervously from his own bed.

"I don't like chocolate," he said simply, sighing.

Peter laughed, but after James raised his head and glared at him, he cleared his throat.

"So, how—how did you _think _you liked it all these years?" asked Peter.

"I never paid attention. Lily ate it…so I did, but I didn't care if I liked it or not," he said.

"That's—no offense, James, but that's completely ridiculous," said Remus.

"Both James Potters are completely insane! I admit it!"

"James, we'll leave you to yourself for a while," said Remus, getting up. James groaned and covered his face with a pillow. "Let's go," Remus mouthed to Peter.

Together, they left the room, holding back laughter. When they finally got to the bottom of the stairs, they let it go.

"I feel so bad laughing at him," said Remus, "because he looks so sad!"

"I know," said Peter, biting his lip. "Maybe we should get them back together."

"No," said Remus firmly. "I refuse to get involved. Besides, I would rather like him to get all of this figured out now. I don't want to find out ten years from now that he never knew he was afraid of shoes."

Spotting Sirius, Remus and Peter made their way over to one of the small tables.

"Hi," he said, playing idly with pieces on a chessboard. Lindsey was in the chair beside him, watching carefully as he moved the black pawn from one hand to the other.

"Anyone seen Lily today?" asked Sirius. "She seems to have disappeared."

"She went to some muggle thing," said Peter. "That's all I know."

"Oh," he said. "Lindsey doesn't want to play with me, Moony," he said suggestively.

"No," said Remus. "I don't know how you do it, but I refuse to lose again."

Sirius pouted, throwing his chess piece to the ground. "Well, fine."

Lindsey smiled. "Don't be a baby," she teased. "Where's James?"

Remus laughed. "He's having a breakdown," he said. "He thinks his ten-year-old self had no life."

"What?" Sirius asked, confused.

"Long story."

Lily was not being cooperative, and she knew it. She had pushed her true personality so far away that she could barely remember it anymore.

"So, your mother tells me you've been having sudden rages," said her therapist calmly.

She was a tall, blonde, young-looking, woman, which made Lily resent her from the start. The world did not need any more of those. She was calm, nice, and even-tempered. Lily felt that these qualities were being rubbed in her face.

"Yeah," said Lily. "So?"

Dr. Olsen smiled patiently. "Well, aren't they causing you problems, Lily?"

"Yes," said Lily. "I ripped a shirt. My heart is fine. I'm breathing."

Dr. Olsen took a deep breath, and her face was unreadable as she tried to find the right words to say.

"Lily, we're not worried about that. Your heart is fin."

"Mhmm."

"I understand you're taking this to court."

"Yeah," said Lily.

"Did…did your mother tell you about the doctor exams you will be having?"

Lily inhaled sharply. "No, she did not."

"It's—well, it's a little late for it, so it will be hard to find sufficient evidence, but we are going to do our best."

"I don't want an exam," said Lily quickly. "I've changed my mind. No court."

"Lily, it is important that you don't give up just because of—"

"No," Lily interrupted. "I don't need anyone looking at me…touching me." She dug her fingernails painfully into her thighs, secretly hoping she would draw blood.

"I understand," said Dr. Olsen.

"No, you don't."

As true as it was that Lily was uncomfortable with the idea of someone examining her, it wasn't the reason she was afraid. An experienced doctor would be able to tell that the cuts on her stomach had been self-inflicted. She did not think she could bear everyone finding out that she had become a worthless, weak, insignificant… She dug her nails deeper into her thighs through the thin fabric of her jeans.

Her therapist decided to drop the subject until another time.

"Tell me about these rages, Lily."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Your words—not mine."

"Lily."

"I get angry. I break things. I cry."

The woman nodded, which Lily guessed meant she was supposed to give her more.

"Look, my personality changes every minute," said Lily. "I'm a strong, independent, a-woman-can-do-anything kind of girl one minute, and the next…I'm crying, the world is closing in on me, I'm kissing my boyfriend's friend, and then jumping into bed with my ex-boyfriend just so he'll protect me from something that isn't there."

"Hmm…"

"By the way, the boyfriend and the ex are the same person. And no, we didn't have sex. I don't need you telling my mother I've become promiscuous or something."

Lily conveniently forgot to mention the cutting part that came along with her second personality.

"I just don't feel like myself anymore," she said.

Lily had said to herself that she would not give the therapist any useful information. She would explain how fine she really was, and then she would be home free. But there was something about the woman's stare that made Lily keep speaking.

"And this is new?" said Dr. Olsen. "This is just because of court."

"Do I really have to go?" Lily asked, ignoring Olsen's question. "I mean, if the idea of court is causing me all this trouble, maybe I shouldn't go."

"No one will force you," said Dr. Olsen, crossing her legs. "But I think that if you _ever _want to get some closure, you should do it. If you don't, there's a good chance this will bother you for the rest of your life."

Lily thought of herself thirty years from now. She would be a forty-seven year old. Would she be married? Probably not. She would probably be too afraid to give her entire being to another man. Would she have children? Please. Like she could impose her insanity on a baby. She was not heartless.

And perhaps her father, old as he would be, would know where she lived. Even if he didn't, Lily would worry he did. She'd live alone, and there would be no one there to protect her. She would probably sit up waiting all night, getting no sleep, afraid that her father would come. She would probably be wishing for James Potter, but he wouldn't be rooms away from her.

She would have to go to court. She was not going to let her dad rule her existence.

"You kissed your boyfriend's friend, you said," said the therapist.

Lily nodded. "It was nothing romantic," she said. "We put it in the past. Then, my boyfriend decided I mustn't be ready for a relationship." Out of absolutely nowhere, Lily felt herself getting angry. "Yes. I mean, who is he to decide if I'm ready or not?"

"I guess you're right," said Dr. Olsen. "What made you kiss him, Lily?"

Lily shrugged. "Sirius understands what it's like to be hurt by family time and time again. James…"

"Sirius is the friend and James is the boyfriend?"

"Yes," said Lily. "James' life isn't perfect, but he means the world and more to his parents. He is so lucky, and I try not to resent him for it. The kiss with Sirius was like a…a…comfort kiss."

"A comfort kiss," Dr. Olsen repeated.

"Yeah. You know, like a 'hey, you're my friend' kind of kiss."

"I see," she said, smiling.

"I love James," said Lily. "I really do. I need him to understand all that's going on with me right now, but at the same time, I don't want him to know anything. Is that stupid?"

Lily wasn't sure her therapist was allowed to give her true opinion, but she had to ask.

"Absolutely not, Lily. Do you feel comfortable talking to your mother about this?"

Lily sighed. "My mum doesn't get it. She tries, but she only ends up making me feel worse."

"So, you said you need James with you right now. Are you two still close?"

"Yeah, but…that only seems to make it harder!" said Lily. "Maybe I need medication. Maybe…I'll keep to one solid personality with medication."

"First of all, Lily, I can't prescribe medication. Second of all, I think what you need most is to talk, to tell people what you're feeling."

_What you're doing. _

Lily looked down at her shirt, making sure it was covering her stomach. She felt as if she were hiding drugs under her shirt, smuggling them home. Was the good couple of seconds during the cutting sessions worth the guilty thoughts she had every other second during the day?

_Dr. Olsen doesn't know, _she told herself. But it didn't matter. Lily continued to worry.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"They're doing an inspection of the school?"

"It's about time," said James. "Someone gets killed, and we all just walk around like it's not a big deal."

Remus, James, and Peter were eating lunch together while Remus read snippets of _The Daily Prophet _aloud.

"I'm all for the inspection," said Remus, "but…I don't want some of us…to have to go home."

"We'd all have to go home if they decided—" Peter began, confused. "Oh. Sirius."

Remus nodded. "If Sirius' family caused the whole school to close down, you know he would never get over it."

"Yeah," said James. "But he could always go home with me."

"Not the point," said Remus. "He'll feel guilty. He always feels guilty."

James sighed. "I don't think the James Potter without Lily Evans really likes cheese," he said, hesitant to put the Parmesan cheese on his pasta."

Remus groaned, having had quite enough of this. "You like pasta and cheese. I'm not so sure you like anything else, so if I were you, I would eat it and be quiet."

James put the cheese on his pasta and decided not to aggravate Remus any further.

He ate quietly; every so often, he would glance at the doors of the Great Hall, expecting them to burst open. Peter watched him, itching to say something, but holding it back.

Finally, he spoke. "James, if you miss her, why don't you just tell her?"

"I'm fine," said James.

Peter shook his head. "James, look at you!"

"What?" James asked, looking himself up and down. "What's wrong with me?"

"You're afraid that maybe you don't like cheese. You don't think you ever liked chocolate. You're just realizing your favorite activity is reading—"

"—don't remind me," said James with a shudder.

"You're a mess," said Peter. "Get her back, and everything will go back to normal."

This time, when James glanced away from Peter to look at the doors, they did open. Sirius and Lindsey walked in, bravely holding hands.

Most eyes were on them as they walked down to their place at the Gryffindor table. Sirius didn't seem to notice, and Lindsey was smiling beatifically.

"Hi," said Lindsey, sitting down next to Peter with her hand still in Sirius'. He sat next to her.

Across from them, Remus and James watched them, confused. "Hello," said Remus, determined not to embarrass them by making a deal.

Sirius smiled. "Lily's back," he said. "She's in the common room."

"That's good," said James. "I'm fine, though."

"Okay," said Sirius slowly. "Good."

"So, did you hear about the investigation?" asked Lindsey.

Remus held up his newspaper. "Yeah."

"About time," said Sirius.

Remus exchanged glances with James, and he turned back to Sirius. "You're okay with this?"

"Of course!" said Sirius.

"But…they might close the school," said James.

"If they do, then at least no one else will die, and Harry's death will have been avenged if the ones behind it are imprisoned," said Sirius. "Why wouldn't I be okay with this? Am I supportive of killers?"

"Well…no," said James, looking down.

Sirius definitely did not support killers, but he was not sounding like himself at all. He didn't care if the school was closed? He didn't care if he could never finish school? What was wrong with him?

"I'm not really hungry," said Lindsey.

Sirius was just loading his plate with food. He stopped. "Oh," he said. "I'm not really either."

"Are you sure?" she asked. "You ha—"

"Let's just go," said Sirius. "Are you planning on finishing that pasta, Prongs?"

James looked down at the pasta he had been pushing around the bowl. "Oh, no!" he exclaimed. "What if I don't like pasta either? Who's to say I do?"

"Take him," Remus demanded. "Take him with you right now."

"Hey!" said James.

"It's for your own good, Prongs," said Peter, laughing, as Sirius and Lindsey dragged him out of the Great Hall.

James felt extremely unwanted, walking with the happy…couple? He eventually got ahead of them, tired of the random stops when Sirius decided it would be a good time to kiss her.

He felt like a little kid, disgusted by any signs of affection. Maybe Peter was right. He was a mess.

Their pace seemed to have sped up, now that they had stopped kissing every time they turned a corner or walked up a flight of stairs.

"Hey, James. You in a big hurry there?" asked Lindsey.

"Not really," said James. "I just do this thing…it's weird, I know, but I enjoy getting in more than ten steps at a time."

After what felt like an entire summer holiday, they got to the common room. "Delena," he said to the Fat Lady. "Let me in."

"Patience," she said, taking her time opening.

James went through the portrait hole, followed by Sirius and Lindsey.

He had been looking forward to talking with Lily, but when he saw her, he wasn't brave enough. Besides, he was anxious to hear about what was going on with Sirius.

"Hey, can we go upstairs?" he asked. Then, feeling like he was being rude to Lindsey, he said, "I mean, I just want to go upstairs before Lily sees me. You can come too, Lindsey. I'm not trying to get away from you or anything."

It probably would have been inappropriate if James had told her that he really was trying to get her to leave.

"That's okay. I was going to talk to Lily," she said.

"Oh!" said James, searching his pockets. "Give her this."

Lindsey glanced down at the small piece of parchment. "Sure."

James waited for Lindsey and Sirius to kiss again, and then he and Sirius went upstairs.

As soon as James had closed the door, he attacked him. "Padfoot!"

"Yes?" said Sirius innocently.

"What's going on?"

Sirius gave him a dumb look. "Lindsey and I are officially back together."

James waited for more.

"And…well, we talked."

"Okay," he said, making himself comfortable on his bed.

"This is going to sound crazy," said Sirius. "Well, you know that I never had a real family."

"Of course."

"I felt like this could have been a sign or something. You know?"

James looked confused. "No."

Sirius seemed to have been expecting that. "This is my chance. Do you remember that day when we were talking about you and Lily, and I said I didn't think that kind of devotion could happen for me?"

"I do," said James, still lost.

"I was against it all—love, marriage, children…it all seemed insane to me, but this baby thing opened my eyes. I really think I can do it."

"You're seventeen," said James.

"But I love her. And, I can't let this go, James. I may never have this chance again," said Sirius. "I really think I could be a father. I could _finally _have a real family. Plus, I don't want to leave her on her own for this. It's perfect."

"Perfect," James repeated. "Well, what about school?"

"If it does remain open, we'll be done by the time the baby is born."

"But…after school. Didn't you want to become an Auror?"

"Yes, but that can wait," said Sirius, losing the initial enthusiasm once he realized James' excitement level was low, at best. "We'll be okay on money, and I can get some store job or whatever until he starts school. Then, the Auror training can begin."

"What about Lindsey? You can't tell me she has no interest in doing something with her life? She won't want to be a housewife…wife…did I just come up with that on my own? Did you say anything about marriage?"

Sirius sighed. "We'll figure it out," he said, looking away. "We want to do this. Can't you just be happy for me?"

"It's fine," said James, realizing he might have given too much input for one day. "I'm sorry."

"It is fine. It's good," said Sirius. "I told myself that I would never get this, and here it is, so I'm going for it."

James nodded.

"I finally get something I'm happy about, and you try to bring me down."

"I wasn't trying—"

"You broke up with Lily, James," said Sirius. "You didn't have to. Sorry if, for once, I get something, and you don't."

James waited for Sirius to calm down a little bit, and then he said, "If you were really sure about this, you wouldn't be so defensive and insecure just because of the points I brought up."

"I know," said Sirius. "I just…want this…and I want _to_ want this, and it's so stupid…"

"Let's talk about something else."

Sirius agreed whole-heartedly.

Author's Note: This took me forever. Hate these random trips to PA. Please review! I'd LOVE to have more readers on Just Passing Through. (Just a thought.)


	32. Celebration or Sadness

Author's Note: **Very important. This is a BIG one. Read the whole thing, please. **Okay, a couple of you are saying that you can't understand Lily's weakness. Normally, she is so strong. That's a part of who she is. First of all, I do believe that Lily is strong. Under the circumstances, I believe that Lily's strength would, indeed, be tested. In the books, I'm sure that this didn't happen to Lily, so…lol. It would certainly be different. Anyway, I'm sure her strength would be tested. One reason for her cutting is…this may sound odd, but she's angry with herself for enjoying it the first time, and now she's doing it to mostly punish herself for not being able to handle things. Basically, when she cuts, she gets angrier with herself…and cuts again, which is why it's hard for her to stop. In addition to this, Lily is struggling to find a reason for why _she _is the one being hurt, belittled, and molested so cruelly. What made hr seem so easy to be pushed around that way, and what did she do to deserve it? That is something else she will struggle with. She is trying to show people that she is NOT so innocent, and she stupidly believes that, by cutting, she is proving to herself that she has more power to hurt herself than any man does. She feels…like…she's a bit out of her mind because she has this delusion that if she does this, she will make herself unattractive to these terrible men. I mean, not necessarily physically unattractive, but…well, that's all I'll say about that for now. She wants James to know that she absolutely does NOT have it all right in her head. She is lost, and he should not look at her as an idol. Even though she doesn't want him to know she is doing this, she gets satisfaction thinking about the idea of James realizing she is far from perfect. Cutting does NOT have anything to do with suicide, by the way. Death can occur, but cutting is sometimes known as the "silent cry for help." Hopefully, this helped, but there will be more of an explanation through Hope and Lily. Please do me the favor of letting me know, in a review, if you feel better about it now or if you still think I'm ridiculously misguided. I just needed you to know that I realize Lily is strong, and that is why she will overcome this.

And, on a completely different note, I want to apologize for this taking so long. I've been doctor to doctor lately. Enjoy.

"Where did _that _Lily go?"

Lily said nothing.

"What about the Lily that took on an entire crowd of boys because they were hurting a former friend of hers?"

Again, Lily said nothing.

Hope threw the bloody knife on her bed before she continued to pace the room.

"You cut her open, and so she stepped out. Can you blame her? She was obviously angry with you."

Lily didn't try to explain herself, and she let Hope continue to attack her.

"Because the _real _Lily doesn't take crap from anyone," said Hope. "The real Lily is a strong, independent, wonderful person, but this Lily…this ugly Lily…came in, cut her open, and let independent Lily run away."

"Hope, if you're going to lecture me, do it like a normal person."

The evidence had been very clear. Hope did not need to doubt her beliefs when she found Lily doubled over in the bathroom with a bloody knife in her hand. All the girl had said was, "I guess I forgot to lock the door…" before allowing Hope to fuss over her wounds.

After Lily was, for the most part, cleaned up, she was subjected to a long interrogation about where her true self had run away. According to Hope, Lily's former mind was angry about being cut, so she had run away (not figuratively…Hope meant literally), and she would have to be found. Then, Lily would have to apologize to herself, and after that, everything would probably be fine.

"Lily," said Hope, picking up the knife. "I know you think I'm crazy, but tell me if this makes any sense to you."

"What?" asked Lily, sighing.

"You wanted to kill someone," said Hope. "It wasn't yourself. It was the part of you that your dad touched…the part he _hurt. _Maybe you wanted to take her out of you, but this isn't the way."

Lily had confided in Hope her deepest secret, knowing that if she didn't give some kind of explanation for her problems, Hope would never leave her be.

Lily rolled her eyes, fingering James' note. She hadn't yet been brave enough to open it. The last time he had given her a note—well, she ended up where she was.

Hope picked the knife back up and handed it to Lily.

"Tell me what you see on this knife," said Hope softly, sitting down next to Lily.

Lily looked at her, puzzled. "I see my blood," she said.

"Pretend we washed that off," said Hope, waving her hand impatiently. "What do you see?"

Lily wasn't sure what the right answer was, and she so desperately wanted to pass the test, but she saw _nothing _on the knife. Nothing.

"Um, nothing," said Lily, deciding to take a chance.

Hope smiled. "Exactly!" she said. "Now, are you sure there are no words on it…hidden messages, like maybe, 'Here I am! The cure!' or even, 'Hello, Lily!'"

Lily rolled her eyes.

"Because there's nothing here for you, Lily. No answer. No message. No cure." She rubbed her finger across the knife carefully.

"Just your blood. That's all this is good for."

Lily turned to face Hope. She didn't know what to say.

"This, however," said Hope, grabbing the note from Lily's hand, "does have words, and these words come from a boy who _can _possibly help you."

Lily smiled in spite of herself.

"This knife?" said Hope, throwing it across the floor. "It belongs in the kitchens…after it's washed, of course."

"And we'll take it back," said Lily. "It misses the kitchen."

Hope laughed. "Open the note." She hesitantly leaned over to hug the redhead. "I'll give you some privacy, and I'm taking this knife."

Lily watched her leave, feeling, for the first time all morning, grateful to have been found by Hope instead of someone normal.

Lily got up to lock the door and sat back down on her bed. She was terrified. Did she want to read the note? What would it say? Would it make her lose her small smile that she had acquired after Hope left the room?

Taking a deep breath, Lily unfolded the small bit of parchment.

_Reason: The James Potter without the Lily Evans is a sad waste of life. If it's possible (and if you care to see me), please meet me in the kitchens at ten thirty. That work for you?_

Lily set the note down on her night table and walked out of her room. When she arrived in the common room, Hope was sitting on the floor, counting her toes, shoeless and knifeless.

Lily took a moment to wonder why she had taken such serious advice from a girl who spent her free time counting her own toes.

But she walked past her, seeking James. He wasn't very hard to find, sitting with Remus in the far corner of the room, helping his friend study.

James smirked uneasily when she approached. Pulling out all of the confidence she had maintained, she nodded. "Yes. That works fine."

"Oh," said James, clearly trying to hide his enthusiasm in front of Remus. "Well, I'll see you then."

Lily walked away from him, feeling better than she had in a very long time.

The James Potter without her was _nothing. _He needed her. For some reason, the idea of it made her smile. It wasn't as if she got some sort of pleasure out of a boy needing her so badly he felt worthless without her, but it was nice to know that if she weren't there…well, if she had had accidentally pushed the knife in deeper and deeper…someone's world would be ruined.

James loved her. He did not feel that she was sick and unworthy of him, and deep down inside, Lily had always known this. It was just easier to believe when it was in writing.

Her James. In his writing. In his messy, rushed, handwriting. James had given her more than just a reason…It wasn't just about his love for her anymore. It was _her _reason to live he life the way it was supposed to be lived. He was her reason to keep going.

James didn't want her to change. She didn't have to change to get other guys to leave her be. Truthfully, James would take care of them for her…if she trusted him enough to let him know something was wrong.

From now on, there would be no hiding from James. Hope had been right. Throughout their entire relationship (as friends and as more), Lily hadn't trusted his feelings for her. She had told him she believed him, but she had always wanted proof.

Lily was going to trust his word, and most importantly, she would never experiment with his feelings again.

"I guess the first thing we should discuss is why this Sirius thing happened in the first place."

"Probably," said James, sitting down next to her.

The House-Elves had eagerly brought Lily and James chairs, cake, and tea, but the two of them touched nothing but the chairs.

James and Lily found the attempt at conversation more difficult than they had previously imagined.

"I don't know if it's going to make sense," said Lily, absentmindedly running her fingers along the handle on her teacup. "I guess…"

"Take your time," said James patiently.

Lily wondered where to begin. She watched James out of the corner of her eye, trying to decide how much he would be able to understand.

"Sirius and I were talking," she said. "We somehow got on the topic of family, the good…and the bad…but not so much the good, actually. Anyway, for one fraction of a second, I thought that there was no way you could understand what I had gone through, what I was _going _through, what I'm _still _going through…and maybe Sirius could. One day, you'd give up all on this baggage I bring, and Sirius would be there."

"Li—"

"I know it was irrational," said Lily, holding up a hand to quiet him. "I was delusional, confused, and scared. I think I was testing your feelings for me.

"I wanted to see how far I could push you."

James didn't look angry, but he did look hurt. "Why?" he asked softly.

Lily looked away. "A part of me, James, never believed how you felt about me. I had this idea in my head—remember I was twisted—that maybe if you caught us…it would be good."

"How would that have solved anything?" asked James.

Lily shook her head. "Maybe I wanted your punishment. Maybe I wanted you to be angry with me…wanted to prove to you that I wasn't the girl you thought I was. I could do you arm and enjoy it. I could hurt your feelings. I was _not _the fantastic, wonderful, amazing Lily Evans. I was challenging, disturbed, and a burden to you and to all."

"Lily," said James, setting down his teacup on the floor with his cake before taking her free hand into his own. "I could never—"

"Just let me finish," said Lily. James nodded, allowing her to continue.

"After I thought about it some more, I realized that I didn't want you to know. All that stuff I said before changed into…I needed to stay with you. That was my only goal, so…I didn't tell you until it ate away my conscience, and I had to say something."

James took a deep breath. "Anything else?"

"Yes," said Lily. "I want to be with you. I do want US back…but I need you to know that I don't _need _you for survival anymore. I'm not going to be that dependent, weak, jumps-into-your-bed-at-the-first-sign-of-fear kind of girl. I learned something today from a girl who counts her toes…I've got to stop chasing away my true self just because it got hurt. This Lily may be even more prone to pain, so I'm saying good-bye to her. I'm going to court, and if I lose, that's that."

James smiled, reaching out to touch her shoulder.

"I'm done," said Lily, looking at James expectantly.

"I love you," said James. "You don't need to give me a test or play with my mind…or ask me to _prove _it. I need you to just believe that I feel it."

"I know," said Lily. "And I love you."

James leaned forward to kiss her lips gently. "One more thing."

"Hmm?"

"No more secrets. Please."

Lily nodded slowly. "…then I have one more thing."

James looked genuinely surprised, which made Lily feel even more ill. "Really?"

"You might want to prepare yourself; it's kind of shocking."

Lily pulled James up to stand in front of her. "Remember this is the last thing. I promise."

"Okay," said James. "You're making me nervous." He tried to laugh.

Lily removed her robes and lifted her top up, stopping just below her breasts. James didn't bother to ask why she felt comfortable showing so much bare skin because when he saw the perfect lines of red, the words seemed to get stuck in his throat.

"I'm going to heal them all," said Lily quickly. "I didn't yet. For one thing, I was sort of sadistically proud of them, and for another, I'm not so good with healing spells."

James didn't say anything. He reached forward and brushed his finger gently over one of the cuts, exhaling with great difficulty.

Lily shuddered slightly at the unfamiliarity of James' hand on her stomach, but when he quickly jerked it away, she gave him a look to show it was okay.

"I'm done, I swear," she said. "I need you to never ever let me do this again."

James sat back down in his chair, and Lily sat down in hers.

"Lily…" he said. "Court is…"

"—in a week," said Lily.

"I'm going."

Lily pulled her shirt back down to cover the marks. "Do you want to help me get rid of these before my physical examination thing?"

James nodded. "I don't know what to say to you."

"Don't say anything. Just know I told you this because I want your trust. All of it. And I want all of you back. And I give you my trust." Lily bit her lip, but then said firmly, "I'm going to give you all of it."

"With that, we'll make it this time around," said James, interlacing his fingers with hers.

"An investigation?"

"You haven't heard?" said Sirius.

Lily shrugged. "I've been kind of busy with my…" She looked uneasily at the ones in the dormitory that didn't know her situation. "Well, I've had a lot of family stuff to take care of."

Lily still felt it was unnecessary to tell the others about her situation, and while James disagreed, he kept his mouth shut about it.

"They wouldn't really close Hogwarts," said Lily uncertainly.

"With these demons inside our walls…" Sirius let the rest of his sentence fade away.

Lindsey leaned against Sirius, sighing. "I'm getting tired of this conversation," she said.

"Oh, me too!" said Remus, looking relieved that someone had said it.

"I told Madam Pomfrey I'd head over to the Hospital Wing," said Lindsey.

"I'll come," said Sirius, immediately getting up with her.

Lindsey and Sirius left the common room without saying another word to any of them.

Lily carefully avoided Remus' eyes now that the couple that had been in between them had left. She really wasn't sure where she stood with him. They had fought. She lad lost her temper (not to mention her sanity), and she had hit him at his weakest point. Lily wasn't sure if he had forgiven her, maybe forgotten about it (fat chance), or if he was still angry. Maybe he understood that she had been going through something difficult, and her only defense was pushing people away from her.

"Does anyone know what's going on with them?" Lily asked, mostly just to break the silence.

"Yes," said Remus. Perhaps she was imagining it due to her fear of his anger, but his tone sounded a bit cold. However, no one else seemed to notice. "They are dating. She is pregnant. There's not much to know."

There was definitely bitterness there. Lily was sure that James, Peter, and even Frank (who was determinedly not joining in on the conversation, trying to read his book on his bed) noticed it.

"Oh," said Lily, trying to keep her voice steady. Hesitantly, she looked up at him. "Well, what's she going to do with the baby?"

"I think that's their business," said Remus, standing up.

Lily wished she hadn't said anything.

"They're such a _cute _couple, aren't they?" said Remus.

"Yes," said Lily, bravely taking his bait.

Even with her hand in James', Lily barely noticed his presence anymore.

"Just like you and Jams," said Remus.

Lily, too, stood up, dragging a confused James with her. "Yeah," she said. "Listen, Remus—"

"It's fine," said Remus, knowing she was about to apologize. "And you can make it up to me."

"How?" Lily asked desperately.

Remus walked over to his bed and pulled his book out from under the covers. "Come to my wedding," he said. "My book and I should be very happy together. I do hope she doesn't get boring towards the end, though. That would be unfortunate."

Lily sighed. "I'm sorry," she said slowly.

"Moony, what the hell are you talking about?" said James.

"Maybe Lily could tell you," said Remus. "She seems to enjoy going on and on about painful subjects."

"Remus, _please."_

She had always thought he would be understanding. Maybe she had taken advantage of that too many times.

"I'm going to check on Lindsey," said Remus.

"They're fine alone," said Peter, just as interested in what had happened with Remus and Lily as James was. "Stay."

Remus ignored him and walked out of the room.

James and Peter looked expectantly at Lily. "What happened?" asked James, sitting them down on James' bed.

"I just took my anger out on him," said Lily. "I guess it was my original intention to hurt his feelings, but I don't know what I was thinking."

"What did you say?" asked Peter.

"I don't want to talk about it."

James rubbed her upper arm sympathetically. "We don't have to."

James didn't scold her for hurting Remus, realizing she had felt bad enough about doing it.

"Wow, Lindsey…I'm so sorry," said Lily.

"As if it wasn't bad enough that I lost_ Sam_," said Lindsey, sniffling.

"She is an idiot," said Lily. "She had absolutely no right calling you…"

"A slut!" Lindsey continued to cry into Lily's shoulder. "The other day, she said it was going to be a boy," said Lindsey through her tears. "We were going to name him after Harry, you know?"

"Yeah," said Lily, rubbing her back soothingly. "That would have been nice."

Lindsey stood up abruptly, almost knocking Lily to the floor in the process.

Hope came into the dormitory, calling Lily over to her. Lindsey was too distraught to notice.

"Candice is coming up," she said. "I can't prevent her from coming into her own room, so…"

"That's fine," said Lily. "Linds, come on. We're going to take a walk."

"A walk," Lindsey repeated, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "Okay."

Lily took her hand, pulling her out of the dormitory. They passed by Candice on the stairs, but the girl didn't seem to notice or care about Lindsey's tears. Most girls had begun to despise Lindsey for what she and Sirius had done.

Lily was not surprised that the marauders were not in the common room. She knew they would be discussing the baby situation in their room, but she could only hope they were not celebrating it.

Lily didn't know what else to say. Walking through the hallways with Lindsey was becoming more and more awkward.

"I knew it was going to be hard," said Lindsey. "It's just the hormones making me miss the dumb baby. Come on, like I could have been a mother."

"You could have done it," said Lily. It was easier to make that promise to her now that she was no longer going to have the baby.

Lindsey didn't seem to have heard her. "It's just…this year started off with me and Sam. Then, I slowly lost her. I had Sirius…and you…and then I lost Harry. Then, it was like this baby made me feel like I could do something right, for once. The baby was going to call me a slut. The baby wasn't going to break up with me or _die. _Well, I didn't quite factor in the miscarriage."

"Did she say what happened?" asked Lily, running out of ways to show her commiseration.

"Apparently, my body wasn't ready to handle the effects of a baby," said Lindsey, rolling her eyes. She slapped her forehead. "I just feel so stupid for wanting it again. I mean, it was an accident, but somewhere along the line…"

"I think I understand," said Lily.

Lindsey sighed. She stopped walking for a minute to rest her head against the wall. "Did I tell you how happy I am that you're back with James?"

"No," said Lily, recognizing that Lindsey obviously wanted to get off and stay off the subject. "I'm happy too."

"What happened?" Lindsey asked. "You two seemed to perfect, and then it was just done so suddenly."

"Oh," said Lily, waving her hand dismissively. "It's nothing."

Lindsey probably didn't want to hear about Lily's situation with Sirius at a time like this.

"I already told you I'm fine!" said Sirius. "Why is that so difficult for you to understand?"

James groaned. "Well, I wouldn't keep asking if you weren't whining and huffing over there," he said.

"I'm just annoyed that I can't seem to write this damn essay," said Sirius, rubbing his tired eyes.

Sirius was lying on his stomach, trying to complete his homework, lazily flipping through his Potions textbook.

"Did we even learn this?" he asked.

"I don't know," said Frank from his side of the room, evidently having the same troubles as Sirius was.

"Fine," said James. "Go ahead and ignore it, but if you make up in the night, suddenly wanting to discuss this…whining about how I never listen, I'm not going to talk to you then."

Sirius, for the first time, glanced up from his work to look at James. "Prongs," he said, laughing weakly, "I'm fine."

"Fine!" said James, looking almost disappointed that Lily was able to have an intervention, and he didn't have to.

He crossed his arms childishly, deciding to walk around the room while whistling, possibly bothering Sirius enough to get him to speak.

Unfortunately, all he could say for his troubles was that a book was thrown at his head by an irritated Frank. Sirius remained unscathed.

"I will drag out your hidden pain later," James warned Sirius, rubbing his head. "Until then, I'm going to find Remus…and uncover _his _hidden pain."

"He has a hidden pain?" asked Frank, getting up to grab his book.

"Yeah, he and Lily have something weird going on. Bye!"

"Bye," said Sirius, rolling his eyes.

"So, do you have hidden pain?" asked Frank, trying to keep a straight face.

"You want a book to the head?" said Sirius.

Frank blinked. "I'm good."

"I have been looking _everywhere _for you!" said James, rushing to Lily's side when he found her sitting at a table in the common room.

Lily raised an eyebrow. "I'm down a staircase from you," she said. "It couldn't have been that difficult."

James shrugged, leaning in for a kiss.

"How's Lindsey?"

Lily sighed, watching James sit down across from her. "She's not doing too well. A lot of tears. What's going on with Sirius?"

"He's convinced we didn't learn anything in Potions, but other than that, I think he's fine," said James.

Lily had a book in her hand, James noticed, and she played absentmindedly with the bookmark, refusing to look up at him. "Want to go sit on the couch?"

James nodded.

When they were settled into a much more comfortable position, Lily continued to play with the tassel on the bookmark, her head on James' shoulder.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," said James, running his fingers through Lily's hair, waiting for the question.

"How would you feel in their situation?" she asked, still focused on the bookmark.

"What situation?" he asked, distracted by his own fingers in her hair.

James could feel Lily roll her eyes before pulling herself away to look him in the eyes. "The baby situation."

"There's no more baby," said James, sounding confused.

"Well, that situation too," said Lily, resuming her previous position. "Be serious."

"Well…I don't know," said James honestly. "About getting a girl pregnant or the girl having a miscarriage?"

Lily didn't answer, so James assumed he was expected to answer both questions. "Well, are we talking now or—"

"Forget I asked, James," said Lily, sounding annoyed.

Since the two of them had gotten back together, James had a tendency to be on edge with her, and he feared even the smallest comments would lead to a fight. So, he tried to fix it.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'll explain it as best as I can. If I got a girl pregnant _now, _I obviously wouldn't be—"

"It's fine," said Lily, taking his hand and intertwining their fingers. "I'm not mad. Just never mind."

"Okay," said James slowly.

And everything, just like that, became incredibly awkward.

Lily went back to playing with the bookmark with one hand, and James used his own free hand to play with her hair again, but neither one could deny the strange sense that something was weird between them.

"James," she said, sounding as if she had no intention of going any further.

"Yes?"

"I'm not going to have sex with you," she said bluntly.

James resisted the urge to laugh. "Umm, okay," he said. "Did I ask you to?"

"No," said Lily. She didn't seem to find his reaction suitable.

"Lil…what's up?" he said, pushing her up again.

When James looked at her, he couldn't find a word to really describe how she looked. She wasn't angry or severely depressed. In fact, James had never seen Lily not at a high extreme. It was always frighteningly happy, terribly angry (so angry that the grass somehow moved aside for fear of being cursed), or even, on rare occasions, depressed.

At this point, she just looked confused, as if she didn't understand her own sadness.

"I don't know what you're expecting of me," she said, shrugging. "I don't want to let you down, but that's not…"

"Lily, I'm not expecting anything of you," said James, hoping his tone conveyed his sincerity.

"Maybe not now," said Lily.

"Not ever," said James. "I only expect you to do what you want…when you want it. If that's an expectation you can't expect, then—"

"James," said Lily, looking away from him while she spoke, "I don't know how long it will take me to get over this. Maybe I never will. But, honestly, it may be years before I'm able to look at _that _as a good, nice, enjoyable experience. After all of this…I just can't—"

"I understand," said James, feeling terrible. Had he pressured her? He didn't think he had been giving her that impression, but had he been doing it subconsciously?

"It could be forever," she said. Then, she smiled slightly. "Okay, maybe not…but I certainly won't be getting _pregnant _this year."

"And I'm thinking, for the sake of your school life and our relationship, that that's a good idea."

Lily laughed. "You're really okay with this, though?"

"I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be annoyed about. I mean, as long as you're implying we're going to be together 'forever,' as you mentioned before…I really don't know what I'm supposed to be unhappy about."

Lily laughed, holding on more tightly to his hand. "I love you," she said.

"I love you too," he said, kissing her cheek. "Now, onto a previous subject: Sirius is upset. I know he is. He's just hiding it."

"What do you mean?" said Lily.

Rubbing his thumb along the back of Lily's hand, he sighed. "We had this talk a while ago…when they first got back together."

"Yes?"

"And he was so happy. He was just so excited about having his very own kid to raise "the right way. Maybe I just want him to be upset, so I can be upset for him. I feel so bad, and I know he'd hate that.'

"It's a confusing time for both of them," said Lily.

"I can see that."

"I've got another reason for you," said James.

"Hmm?"

"The thought of waiting forever for any kind of intimacy, marriage, or anything of the sort is not scary when it comes to you. You make it seem…fun."

"Interesting," said Lily. "You're a strange person."

"I'm going to head up and see if Sirius has yet opened up his pain door," said James, getting up from the couch.

"Have fun," she said. "And I'll just say that my previous statement is begging to come out again."

James grinned. "See you later, Lil."

Lily rubbed her stomach, still surprised when her fingers met undamaged skin. Apparently, she still had a bit of a way to recovery.

"Let me know if he expresses the pain," she teased, forcing herself to take her hand away from the spot.

"I will!"

Author's Note: Pleaaaase review. I've still got lots to do. Research projects and such, but after that, I should be good to go, updating these stories a lot more again.


	33. All We Wanted

Author's Note: THE LAST CHAPTER. I know. It's insane. I have a sad feeling (:) that a lot of you may be disappointed with this chapter. I'm not saying it's bad…I'm not going to give my opinion on it…it's just that it may seem inconclusive, vague. Like, there may be a lot that you feel hasn't been settled. I don't know, though…because it seems pretty done to me. I'm being annoying and confusing lol. I suppose you'll have to read to find out, so please DON'T LEAVE because of this author's note. Read and see for yourself. This is the way I wanted to end it. I planned it to end…mostly…this way, so it's not like I just gave up. Please review. I thank all of you for reviewing and being so kind and helpful, and I hope that you will take the risk of reading one of the other stories I have on here. (Just a tip: Sick and Just Passing Through are my favorites.) This story was the first Harry Potter story I wrote since…wow…a long time ago, so I have to say I'm pretty pleased with it. I hope you all are too. On a completely different note: I found out that my best friend has started cutting again. Keep her in your hopes and prayers.

"Shh," said James, holding Lily as she cried into his shoulder.

"I'm fine," said Lily, through tears. "I'm just…"

"You're allowed to cry," said James.

Since James found out about Lily's self-abuse, he new and strong fear she had of showing her emotions. She did not like people to know when she was unhappy, and she especially did not like to be seen crying.

"You are not fine," said James. "And you shouldn't be."

"It's okay," said Lily.

Lily took her face away from James' neck, moving her body closer to the pillows on his bed.

"It's okay," she said again. "In fact, it's good because now everyone knows I lie for attention."

"Lily," said James, taking her hand tenderly. "Lily, they don't know what they're talking about."

Lily ignored him. "Now, _I'm _the one with the bad reputation. I'm the one who has done something wrong."

"No," said James. "Evidently, the muggle criminal justice system just sucks. That's all this proves."

"And, you're allowed to cry," he added, leaning forward to kiss her forehead.

"I don't want to. I just really want to kill someone."

"See, _that _is not okay," said James, smiling slightly. "No killing."

Lily nodded, looking as if she had not heard him.

"Lay down," said James.

Lily moved in closer to James, letting him wrap his arms around her. She rested her head against his chest, focusing on his heartbeat.

"I cannot promise to fix that damn muggle court. I cannot promise to kill your father…as much as I really want to. I can't promise to fix all these insecurities and fears that you have."

"I know," said Lily. "I never—"

"But," James interrupted, "I can promise you that I trust every word you have ever said. I can promise you that I will never give you a reason to not trust me. I can also promise you that I love you. I promise to do everything I can to make you happy. I won't rush you to get better because we have a long time ahead to do that, consider the fact that I'm in this forever. Always."

Lily did not reply, but she took one of his hands from around her back, held it in front of her, and kissed it.

"So, she lost her case?" said Sirius.

"Yeah," said James. "It's unbelievable. He had this amazing lawyer, got Lily to look like a desperate attention seeker."

"And a lawyer is…"

"I don't know. They like help the people get off or something," said James, shrugging.

"That's stupid," said Sirius, pouring himself a glass of pumpkin juice.

James nodded slowly. "I guess, but I get it. I mean, they have different methods from us, and they don't want to send an innocent person to prison."

"Lily didn't have any proof?"

"She waited so long to come clean, you know? Plus, the bruises that she did have were all healed magically. At that time, she wanted no one to know."

"How is she?" said Sirius.

"Well, she finally started to fall asleep. She spent the last three nights crying."

"I know," said Sirius. "We've been up with her."

"So, I told her she could stay in there. She doesn't want to deal with hr roommates. I really hope she's sleeping."

Sirius agreed. "She needs it."

James pushed his soup around with a spoon, uninterested in eating. It was very hard for James to accept the fact that his girlfriend was in so much pain. She had gone through s much, and though she told James she probably would not win her case and that she had accepted that, he could tell she had truly been counting on winning. She had been hoping the trial would make everything better. That was why she decided to go through with it.

James was glad that his friends were not interrogating Lily about her situation. They didn't ask why she spent three nights in their room. They didn't seem to care that she kept them up by talking tearfully with James because she couldn't sleep. James was so thankful for them.

James still had no idea what had gone on with Remus and Lily, but when Remus heard she had gone to court, he knew that she must have been going through a difficult time when it—whatever it was that happened between them— happened. He seemed to have forgiven her for her transgression.

"So, Alice isn't talking to Frank," said Sirius conversationally

"Oh?" said James, half-listening.

Sirius took another bite of steak. "Please don't not eat because of Lily," Sirius whined. "You're making me feel insensitive for stuffing my face."

James laughed. "I'm going to eat. I'm just thinking."

Sirius smiled. "You two seem better than ever."

"We are," said James. "And you and Lindsey?"

"Well…" Sirius looked away, a sure sign that he wasn't going to give the whole truth. "We're okay. I decided that I had wanted that baby for all the wrong reasons."

"Which were?"

Sirius put his fork down. "When we were really young, my brother used to depend on me," he said. "I guess I really wanted that back."

James smiled sadly. "If you're looking for dependency, wait until I have my own kids. You're going to be forced to watch my baby every day when Lily and I go out on the town."

Sirius laughed. "Or I could just have my own."

"True," said James.

The next morning, James woke up to an empty bed. After only a few nights, James had gotten used to having Lily by his side. It didn't take him a very long time to find her. He saw that the bathroom light was shining from under the door.

James knocked on the door softly. "Lily?"

She opened the door immediately, beckoning him in.

James walked in, feeling extremely confused. Lily was breathing strangely, but she wasn't crying. "I need a reason," she said.

James rubbed his eyes. He was barely awake. "What?" he asked.

"A reason," said Lily. Frustration was evident in her voice. She didn't seem to be in a patient mood. "I need today's reason _now." _

James looked more carefully at her. She started to roughly scratch her stomach.

"Oh!" he said, realizing what she meant.

"I want to…you know," she said, pointing to her stomach. "Tell me you love me."

"I love you," said James.

She nodded. "Remind me why."

James understood that she was not feeling good about herself and needed something to keep her from punishing her body. This reason was going to have to be a big one.

"Lily," she said, mainly to get her attention.

"James," she said, looking anxious.

"Lily, when I look into your eyes, I see everything. I can see everything that has been, everything that is, and everything that will be. Kind of amazing, yes? The future honestly looks dark, cold, and unhappy with Voldemort's rise. But, aside from that, it looks like pure bliss because I know that while you're by my side, everything will just be better."

Lily was shaking her head, obviously not agreeing with his words, but James made sure she was listening. He pulled her hands away from her stomach and held them tightly in his own.

"You don't know how wonderful you are, and that sometimes bothers me. When you think of hurting yourself, it hurts me. It really does. I love the way you walk."

Lily laughed quietly. James could tell she was letting herself relax.

"I know it may seem too crazy to be on the list of reasons, but it is. I guess it's not _just _the way you walk. It's also the way you hold yourself. You walk as if you know the way. We could be walking through Paris in the dead of night, and even though you've never been there before, you would look as though you knew exactly where you're going because you never let anyone see your fear.

I suppose I'd always been one of those people that really believed you did know where you were headed in Paris, but you didn't."

"What?" said Lily, starting to laugh again.

"I know this is not coming out poetic," said James. He sighed. "What I'm trying to say is I always fell for the front you put up. Now I know that you never had any idea where these paths were leading you. I love the journey I had to take to break your façade. Most of all, I love that one of your winding paths somehow led you to me."

Lily took her hands out of James'. She smiled tearfully, throwing her arms around her boyfriend, holding onto him more tightly than she ever had before.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I'm not done," he said. "I told you, it's like five for the price of one. You're upset, so my reasons are on sale today.

"This reason may not even be worth it. You may even feel cheated." He stopped to take a deep breath. "I am such a sap, but here goes nothing. There was this day back in second year—by then you had already decided I was nothing more than a nuisance. I ignored my crush on you because I thought you were bossy. Anyway, we were in Transfiguration, and you were having trouble turning your damned rabbit into a goblet. I asked if you wanted my help, but you snapped at me."

"I don't see where this is going, but that does sound like me."

"So," said James, "I decided I would keep bothering you until you allowed me to help. Eventually, I gave up, but you thanked me at the end of class. You said it was really sweet to offer help, and you smiled. Sweet Merlin, Lily…that smile."

"You've told me about my smiles before," said Lily, rolling her eyes.

"Not this smile," said James. "That was when I knew I was in love. That smile was for _me. _Your mouth could never twitch into that exact same position again, so even if someone got a bigger and better one, I still had my own. That was the first smile you ever gave me."

"You remember this?" said Lily, looking skeptical.

James nodded vigorously. "Of course…because it was the first and…one of the last. Then, other people got to receive your smiles, but one day you stopped smiling altogether. I guess I know why now, but all I ever wanted was to see that smile again."

"James…"

"And that's why I'll never regret these years I spent chasing you. They were worth it. You smile at me like that—even just a bit like that—once a decade, and I'll never frown again."

"James…"

"Too much?" said James. "Okay, once every fifteen years work for you?"

Lily punched him playfully on the arm. "Stop," she said. "Just don't go anywhere."

"I can't," said James. "I have to stick around for another fifteen years at least."

"Stooop," said Lily, laughing.

"See, that's sort of the smile," said James.

Lily closed the gap between them with her lips. No words could show how she felt about the man kissing her.

"I hate to break up the party, but I want to shower."

Lily pulled away from James. "I think I'll go to class today," she said.

"Good," said James. "Go to your room and get ready."

Lily and Lindsey worked together in Charms, switching things up a tad.

"Five months left of hell," said Lindsey, running her hand through her hair. "I think that I'm going to dye my hair. Change is good."

Lily laughed. "School isn't hell. I guarantee you'll miss it when it's gone. Yes, change is good, but don't dye your gorgeous locks."

Professor Flitwick was eyeing the two girls, so they got back to work.

"Am I doing this right?" said Lindsey.

Lily repositioned Lindsey's hand for her, making it easier to flick the right way. "I think that should work," said Lily.

"I was just trying to make it look like I was doing something," said Lindsey, laying her wand back down. "So, we're breaking up again."

"What?" said Lily, shocked.

Lindsey didn't seem too upset. "Well, we were mainly together for the baby. I think we both wanted to hold onto something that just wasn't there."

Lily looked away from her. "Oh," she said, feeling uncomfortable. "This was a mutual decision?"

Lindsey nodded. "It was for the best."

Lily looked over at James, sitting a few desks behind her. He was laughing with Sirius, flipping his wand around in his fingers.

James seemed so transparent. To a passerby, he would seem like any other irresponsible, easily amused, immature goofball, but in reality, he was so much more than that. James was a sweet and caring individual. He liked to have fun, but he knew where to draw the line (usually). He had a big heart along with a slightly inflated ego, but one could learn that by speaking five minutes with him. Lily had learned so much by spending her seven years with him. He had truly always been there by her side, whether she wanted him there or not. Lily knew how lucky she was.

"There's still five months left," said Lily, laughing.

James was sitting by lake with his girlfriend, eagerly planning their life after Hogwarts.

"I know. I just want to know that you'll be well taken care of," said James, putting his arm around her.

Lily laid her hand on his shoulder lazily. "You're sweet."

"I'm serious, though," said James. "After school is over, you and I will move in together."

"_Will_ we?" said Lily, raising an eyebrow.

"Just for your protection," said James quickly.

"Of course," said Lily, chuckling.

"Yes," said James, "because I already told you I'm not going to rush you into anything. I mean—"

"I know, James," said Lily calmly. "I'll tell you what. I promise that I'll move in with you when school is over if you promise me we won't discuss this again _until _school is over."

"Deal," said James, tightening his grip on her shoulders.

"Crazy couple of weeks, eh?" said Sirius.

"You're walking too close to my girlfriend," James teased, squeezing into the space in between Lily and Sirius.

Remus rolled his eyes. "You're being just a tiny bit possessive," he said.

"But I agree with the first statement," said Lindsey, not quite sure what had gone on between James, Lily, and Sirius. "It has definitely been a crazy time."

"I found out what they're doing," said Lily, taking James' hand. "They're going to keep the school open until Easter. When they send us all home for the holiday, we won't be coming back. They're going to close it until summer for investigations and such. If things go well, they'll reopen for September…for the younger students, I guess."

James squeezed Lily's hand. He grinned. "Well, I guess school is over sooner than we thought."

"No exams or anything. This is so ho…" Lily caught onto what he was saying. "I guess we'll talk in April."

James smiled brightly. "_That's_ what I wanted to hear."

Author's Note: Wow…can't believe it's over. Pleease…it is very important that you review this particular chapter. I don't care if I've never heard from you before if you just review now. Thanks in advance.


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Harry Potter, Romance