Harry Potter Mops, Brooms, and Other Random Stuff

_**Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, I own nothing.**_

Harry Potter entered the Potions classroom with the fourth-year Gryffindors and Slytherins, looking determined. As the rest of the class began to take their seats, he marched to the front of the classroom and looked Severus Snape in the eye.

_"Don't smile," _Harry commanded forcefully, then suddenly grinned. "I killed your grandma!"

Snape stared at Harry, looking as though he thought he had lost his mind.

Harry continued to look at Snape, waiting. When Snape didn't do anything he tapped his foot inpatiently. _"Well?"_

"Well what, Potter?" Snape said irrtably, looking as though this were not how he had wanted the class to start.

Harry sighed. "You were _supposed _to laugh."

For a moment Snape looked as if he would say something retorting and sarcastic, but then he glared at Harry and simply asked, "Why?"

Harry looked extremely annoyed. "You just _were! _You know, first I said 'don't smile,' and then when I said 'I killed your grandma,' it was just totally unexpected! You were _supposed _to burst out laughing."

Snape sneered. "I assure you, Potter, I find no amusement in any childish words that come out of your lips."

Harry gazed thoughtfully at Snape, looking as if he hadn't heard him. "I believe there is a slight problem with your brain," he said suddenly.

Some of the class tittered and Snape looked very angry. "Ten points from Gryffindor, Potter. Now get in your seat."

But now Harry was staring at Snape, looking positively horrified. _"You!" _he yelled dramatically, pointing a finger at Snape. _"You! _Who are you and what have you done with the Potions master?"

"What are you talking about?' Snape said, looking irritated and confused.

"What have you done to Professor Snape? Answer me!" Harry shouted and tackled Snape, pulling them both to the ground.

"Potter, don't be foolish! Get _off_ me!" Snape yelled, attempting, without success, to push Harry away.

The class seemed unsure what to do. Some of the Slytherins looked as if they might go help Snape but the Gryffindors were watching with amusement.

"You're not Snape!" Harry continued to shout. "You're a clock, pretending to-"

Suddenly Harry stopped. "Oh, nevermind."

Snape glared at him, getting back up.

"I had mistaken you for someone else," Harry explained. "A clock. A big grandfather one."

When no one said anything, Harry drummed his fingers on Snape's desk. "Sooo...I guess I'll just be getting to my seat now, then."

He skipped over to the students and sat down next to Ron and Hermione.

When Snape continued to look at him dazedly, Harry said in a whisper, "This is the part where you start to teach the class."

"Silence," Snape snapped.

Harry just smiled. Snape frowned back at him and said, "Today you will be brewing-"

"OH!" Harry said suddenlt, jumping up and clapping his hands in delight. "That sounds like so much fun! I can't wait!"

"Potter!" Snape barked. "Get back in your _seat!"_

"Okay," Harry said cheerfully and sat down.

Snape looked at him for a moment. "Right...well, anyway, today you'll be-"

But this time he was interrupted by a wild shriek of mirth and he turned to see Harry rolling on the floor, laughing uncontrollably.

_"Potter," _he said furiously, "What is the _matter _with you?"

But Harry was leaughing too hard to answer. "Oh!" he gasped, "You- you...oh that's hilarious..."

By now Snape, much against his will, was getting curious. "What are you laughing about?" he asked.

"I don't-" Harry gasped, "Don't think you r-really want to know."

He looked at Snape and started laughing again and Snape, getting very annoyed, said, "Potter, tell me right now what you're laughing about."

"Oh, all right," Harry said, sitting up on the floor. "I suddenly imagined you in a sparkly pink tiara, giving out sweets and hugging everyone. And what's so funny about this," he said, giggling, "is that you would never give out sweets or hug anybody, 'cause you're a grumpy git!"

When Snape looked angry, Harry hastily added, "See, I _told_ you you probably didn't want to know."

"Ten points from Gryffindor for imagining such a thing!" Snape said.

Suddenly Harry became very somber. "Oh, I don't think that's a good idea, taking points," he said, shaking his head gravely.

"I don't care whether you think it's a good idea or not," Snape snapped.

Harry shrugged. "Your funeral."

"Stop being ridiculous. I took points before and nothing bad happened," Snape said.

Harry gave a nervous look around him, leaned forward, and whispered, "Mops and brooms. You can't take points because of the mops and brooms."

Snape glared. "Cleaning supplies have nothing to do with taking points."

Harry shrugged again. "Like I said, it's your funeral. Just don't plan on living long enough to teach another lesson."

"What are you talking about?" Snape growled. He seemed to be saying that a lot lately.

Harry gave a nervous look around him and said, "The mops are getting impatient. If the brooms don't discover the secret of the Nine-legged Pizza Men, the mops will forget the deal and resort to violence. Well, the brooms won't like that at all. Peaceful tribe, really, those brooms, and they wouldn't want the deal broken. Soon the dustpans will interfere, and when the dustpans are involved things never turn out well. The land of Happy Cleaning Cookies will never be the same again. Blood and chaos everywhere, and the Potions master in the thick of it all. For only he knows where the Red Hat of the Snow Wizard is hidden, and he'll carry the secret with him to the grave."

Harry looked around the room very seriously. "And that, my dear children, is why you should never take points from Gryffindor."

He then turned to Snape, who appeared not to know quite what to say. "Well, as the class is halfway over we'd better get a move-on, don't you think?" he said cheerfully, sitting down and looking at Snape with polite interest.

"I- you- THAT IS A RIDICULOUS STORY THAT HAS NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH TAKING POINTS!" Snape thundered. "AND YOU, POTTER, ARE NOTHING BUT AN ANNOYING, ATTENTION-SEEKING LITTLE BRAT JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER! YOU COME IN HERE WASTING MY TIME AND ACTING LIKE THIS IS YOUR CLASS! YOU- YOU...TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! _TWENTY _POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! YOU'RE A-"

"Whoa!" Harry yelled, looking very startled. "Okay, yikes. It's all right, I get the point, I'll be quiet now!"

He sat down and looked nervously at Snape, who was breathing hard. "But there's just one more thing," he said, raising his hand timidly. "The brooms told me that only you can stop violence from taking over their land now. They said to tell you to trust no one with the hiding place of the Snow Wizard's Red Hat except the Jolly Dwarfmen. They're on your side and would protect you with their lives. But it's okay, that's all now," he said quickly, seeing the glare on Snape's face.

As Snape began to teach the lesson and the students started their potions, Harry didn't say a word. In fact, for the whole rest of the class he was completely quiet. At the end of the lesson he collected a sample of his potion like the rest of the class and went to the front of the class. After giving it to Snape, however, Harry poked him lightly on the arm.

"Poke," he said quietly, then informed Snape, "I poked you."

Snaoe glared.

"Punch," Harry said, punching him very gently. "I punched you," he announced.

Snape glared harder.

"Sla-" Harry started to say, but Snape grabbed both his arms and yelled, "Potter, what the hell are you _doing?"_

Harry gave a shriek and covered his ears. "Professor," he said, looking at Snape in shock and horror, "you _swore! _How _could_ you?"

"The door is that way," Snape growled. "Class is over. Get out."

"But...I need to tell you something," Harry said.

Snape sighed. "Fine then, what is it?"

"Put a banana in your ear."

Snape looked at Harry blankly. _"What?"_

"Put a banana in your ear," Harry repeated. "Seriously. All the bad in the world will disappear when in your ear a banana cheers, so go and put a banana in your ear."

"That's completely ridiculous and wouldn't work," Snape said angrily.

"Oh, yes it would," Harry answered confidently. "Wanna know how I know? The mops told me. They may be impatient and quick to anger, but they're always right. _Always. _So you really should try it, seeing as you're so grumpy all the time."

And with that he skipped out the door.

_**A/N: Hope you enjoyed that! Please, please, please leave me a review! :)**_


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Harry Potter, Humor, Parody