Naruto Dysfunction Included

**Author's Note: **I need to stop doing this before I bite off more than I can chew. I get an idea for a story, knowing that I have enough on-going ones as it is, then I can't resist the urge to publish it. While updates for this will be slow, I still shouldn't be publish stuff like this. At least not stories.

Shame on me!

_© Anime by Masashi Kishimoto_

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**Chapter**** One**

_It's a Fanfic!_

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Pein walked into the room slowly, all the other members of Akatsuki respectively keeping quiet. Waiting for their leader to speak before they dare to utter a single word. When Pein got close enough he leaped up onto his spot on his side of the hand statues, then opened his eyes. As he had them closed the whole time he was walking in.

Everyone had the same question on their mind, how the hell could he see where he was going? "Because I'm a God, _that's_ why!" He exclaimed towards the ceiling.

Forgot to mention you were a mind reader too, you son-of-a-bitch. "Don't test me!" He snapped, then cleared his throat. Quickly regaining his composure, he was Leader after all. He had to act like one.

"Anyway, I'm sure you're all wondering why I called you here..." He trailed.

"_I_ don't give a fucking shit about why we're here," Hidan said, crossing his arms with a shrug.

"I'm sure you're _all_ wondering why I called you here!" He repeated, sending a glare Hidan's way. "You're all here, because I have something of great urgence to discuss with you... we've recently been thrown into a dire situation." He said, then everyone glanced around at each other. Then back at Pein, he definitely had everyone's full attention now.

"What is it Pein?" Konan asked.

"It is something that has changed the very universe that we live in, our entire _world_." He explained, everyone's nerves grew at his words. "We are now within a world where we all have a 'secret base' that resembles a modern home, as if we were some sort of _family_!" Everyone gasped.

"Where we all have PlayStations, Phones, IPods, and other electronics that would otherwise be nonexistant here!"

_Gasp!_

"Where each partner pair shares a room with each other!"

_Gasp!_

"Where we partake in dinner with each other every night at a round table. Asking one another how our day went!"

_Gasp!_

"Where we eat Itachi's cooking, since Konan's tastes like ass!"

_Gasp!_/"Fuck you Pein."

"Yes, things have changed not only quickly... but drastically." He explained, "And these changes can only mean one thing..."

"No," Kisame started, "That would mean..." He trailed.

"Indeed it does," Pein said with a nod, "This means..."

"Tobi's scared!" Tobi shouted, quickly going into the fetal position and rocking back and forth.

"... We've just been put into an amateur fanfiction!" He said, then everyone let out one last dramatic gasp. Someone opting to let out a_very_ girlish scream instead, all eyes then turned to Konan.

"What?" She asked, narrowing her eyes. "Just because I'm the only woman, that automatically means that was me?"

"Well, who else could it have been?" Kisame asked, then Deidara cleared his throat. Catching everyone's attention.

"Um... that was actually me, un. Sorry about that..."

"... Moving on..." Pein stated, everyone returning their gaze to him. "Now that you all are aware of this, does anyone have something to say?"

"I have a question," Sasori said, and Pein nodded for him to continue. "Is it at least gonna be a good one? Not the 'this is _amazing_' kind of good, obviously. But at the very least the 'I can get a small laugh out of this' kind?"

"Author-san is some nineteen year old who lives in the south," Pein responded, "Does that answer your question?"

"So, then this 'story' is gonna be shit basically." Hidan said with a sigh, and Pein nodded.

"Unfortunately, that is the expected outcome." He said, then shrugged. "But, it could be worse."

"How is that?" Kakuzu questioned, not even remotely believing that.

"She could be a Wapanese twelve-year-old." Pein replied, making everyone give a shudder. "It doesn't get worse than that."

"You're right, **it doesn't**." Zetsu piped, "**Making everyone break out in **random Japanese, like the readers will **actually understand that shit.**Newsflash, you aren't Japanese, **so stop it.**"

Hidan scoffed, "私はクソもっとあなたに同意できませんでした誓う." Everyone looked at him bewildered.

"What... on earth... was _that_?" Kakuzu asked.

"What?" He asked.

"What was that you just said?" Deidara asked next.

"Oh," He muttered, "I said, watashi wa kuso motto anata ni dōi dekimasendeshita chikau."

"And what does that mean?" Tobi questioned, Hidan narrowing his eyes.

"I don't fucking _know_!" He exclaimed.

"I don't think the readers do either..." Sasori trailed, and Hidan directed his glare to him next.

"Well _fuck_ the readers, if they want to know so damn bad they can go look the shit up!"

"We're getting off topic!" Pein exclaimed, making everyone direct their attention to him yet again. "Does anyone else-" Pein was cut off, by the sound of a phone ringing.

"That's me, sorry." Itachi apologized, holding up his phone. Then he pressed 'talk', putting it on speaker phone.

"But, how does he have a phone? We only just found out we were in a story a few minutes ago." Tobi said, but was then quickly shushed by his partner Zetsu.

"It's better to **not ask.**" He replied.

"Hello, Sasuke..." Itachi trailed off, with a sigh.

_"Itachi... I've been harboring my hatred for you, honing my skills for the day I finally face you!"_Itachi rolled his eyes. _"Blah, blah, angst, angst, I'm going to fucking **kill** you one day!"_

"Is that all you wanted to say to me, Sasuke?" Itachi asked.

_"... I miss you Itachi..."_ He heard him respond, but Itachi stayed silent. _"... and I'm going to destroy you, bye."_ There was shifting, then Sasuke began to talk to someone else.

_"Now what do you mean you aren't training me today?"_

"Did he actually forget to hang up?" Konan asked, and Pein face-palmed. Muttering, 'Oh my Pein...'

"Holy crap," Deidara said, trying to stifle a laugh. Sasori snorted in clear amusement.

_"Oh no Sasuke,"_ That sounded like Orochimaru. _"Today we'll be doing something different. Relax, have fun you know?"_

_"Fun?"_

_"Yes! Good old fashioned fun. Back in my day, on a day off from training, me and my old friends would always do fun stuff. Giving each other wet willies, Indian burns, and all that other boy stuff."_

_"That doesn't really sound fun..."_ Sasuke trailed.

_"Well, we played a lot of games to. Like hide and seek, follow the leader, and penis-butt!" _Everyone's mouth dropped at the latter.

"Did he actually just say that?" Kisame asked lowly, But everyone only continued to listen.

_"Yup, you didn't know what **real** pain was until you played that."_

_"That actually sounds a little gay..."_

_"What's that? You say that you wanna play?"_

_"Huh?! That's not what I-"_

_"Alright then, come on over here Sasuke."_

_"I said I never- hey get your fucking hands off me!"_

"Itachi, _hang up_ the damn phone!" Pein shouted, having heard enough. Itachi shrugged, complying with his leader.

"Does stuff like that happen with him a lot?" Kakuzu asked, and Itachi nodded.

"All the time,"

"Is he gonna be alright, un?" Deidara asked.

"Yeah, that didn't sound too good." Tobi added.

"I'm sure my little brother will be fine."

"As I was saying before!" Pein said, everyone looking at him _again_. "Does anyone else have something to say about this?"

Everyone was silent, then Zetsu spoke. "About what?"

Pein sighed irritably, "About us being in some dumb _fanfic!_"

"Oh."

"Forgot about that shit..."

"I don't hear anyone answering my question!" Can Pein be anymore of a drama queen? "I'm not warning you again, _shut the hell up_!" He yelled at the ceiling again, then looked around at everyone.

"There isn't much more to say, actually." Konan spoke, a few others nodding in agreement.

"We've established it now, what's the point in talking about it any further?" Kakuzu asked, and Pein sighed.

"Because, this is dangerous."

"How though, yeah?" Deidara questioned, "I mean, now that I really think about it, I don't feel any different, un."

"Well then, it's because I'm the leader and I _said so_!" He shouted, "Since you wanna make me play that card, I'll play that fucking card!"

"Actually, now _I_ have a damn question." Hidan said, raising his hand. "Nobody's gonna be warped out of character or some shit, are they?"

"I thought that only happened when original characters are around." Tobi said, then Kakuzu sighed.

"It's more common in there, but it can happen anywhere. Including here." He grumbled, then Konan's face twisted into a concerned look.

"You seem tense Kakuzu," She said, batting her eyelashes. "Would you like a BJ?"

Kakuzu's eye twitched, and Hidan laughed. "Well, so much for everyone staying in fucking character."

"I'll take one," Sasori said, Deidara then scoffed at him.

"Please, you don't even have a penis."

"According to some fanfic writers, I do." He retorted, "And it's not like you should talk, you don't either. You're a woman."

"I'm a _man_ damn it, yeah!"

"And I'm Tobi!"

"Shut up and stop changing the subject!" Pein yelled, everyone quickly quieting down.

"... But my real name is Obito Uchiha."

"I said shut up Tobi!" Pein then sighed, "Can we all _please_ stick to the matter at hand?"

"I have a question about our little fanfic world," Kisame stated, "If there are gonna be pairings, it's not gonna be anything crack is it?"

"Crack?" Pein repeated, clearly not understanding. "The drug?"

"No, 'crack' basically meaning something retarded." The shark man corrected.

"Oh," Pein nodded, "I see then, well that's up for debate. Remember that this fanfiction is amateur, so it _is_ a possibility." He explained, and most of the other members groaned.

"Well that's just **_great_**!" Zetsu said, "**Have you seen **the people that are usually paired together**in these messes**?"

"Hell yeah!" Hidan said, "I'm paired with stitch-ass all the damn time, fucking writers!"

"Yeah, those damn writers." Kakuzu said, whistling as he nervously looked around.

"It's not great," Sasori continued, "Any fiction that pairs me with the _brat_ isn't great." He narrowed his eyes at Deidara, who crossed his arms with a huff.

"Why are you looking at me like that, yeah?" He asked, "It's not like I like it either, at least you've been paired with people you actually know. Un!" He threw his arms up, "I can't even tell you how many times I've been paired with Ino, and I don't even know who the hell that is!"

"I know who it is," Kakuzu said, and Hidan nodded.

"So do I, bitch looks like she could be your sister."

"Well that's even worse, that's just incest. Un!" Deidara exclaimed, and Itachi glared at him.

"No it isn't, you two aren't even related." He said, "That isn't real incest, I'm paired with Sasuke all the time. My little _brother_, who I'm actually_related_ to. So don't even complain, I'd rather be paired with a stranger."

"I don't get why you're bringing that up as an example," Kisame said, snickering. "It doesn't even count if you've actually got the hots for him, and we all _know_ you do." A dark aura began to form around Itachi, as he sent a menacing glare in Kisame's direction.

"And your Mother fucked a shark," He said, and Kisame looked taken back by it. "Don't start something you can't finish, but if you really wanna go then let's go!"

"Now I'm just losing control of the situation," Pein said, giving up. "What's this organization coming to?"

"Do _you_ need a BJ Pein?" Konan asked him, and he turned to her.

"Later Konan..."

"Why do you have to bring someone's Mom into this?!" Kisame exclaimed, pointing at him. "At least I didn't kill mine, you wanna talk about_that_ Itachi?!"

"You son of a-" Itachi started, then let out an angry breath. "I was _forced_."

"Yeah _sure_, that's what they all say." Kisame argued, and Hidan shrugged.

"That's not what I said when I killed mine," Itachi and Kisame stared at him, "What? I'm serious, told _everyone _I killed the bitch. I've got nothing to hide, I'm just real like that."

"Weren't we talking about something?" Tobi asked, and some others shrugged.

"It probably wasn't that important, if we forgot about it that is." Sasori responded, Deidara nodded in agreement.

"We were talking about what we hate in fanfiction," Kakuzu said, then everyone 'oooohhh'ed.

"Well then you know what I fucking hate?" Hidan started, "When bitches are misspelling shit left and right. I get if you make a few typos and shit, fuck no one's perfect, but don't sit there and tell me you really didn't see all the crap you messed up on. If you did you're fucking blind, and if you're blind how can you use a damn computer? Much less write."

"Maybe they're **just stupid**." Zetsu added.

"Hey, hey, you know what _I_ hate?" Kisame began, "When people are writing stories that are suppose to be funny, but then they completely fail at every joke that they make. I mean, I looked at this hoping to laugh. But then I leave disappointed, and maybe even in tears if the jokes were horrible enough."

"You know what _I _hate?!" Pein exclaimed, "How you all can't seem to remember that we're in a story exactly like that! I've said that twice already, I'm _not _saying it again!"

"This story is suppose to be funny?" Kisame asked, and Pein nodded.

"Well then Author-san is fucking stupid," Hidan said, narrowing his eyes. "This shit isn't funny, anybody remember laughing at _anything_?" There was a chorus of 'no' among them, and Hidan nodded. "Uh-huh, _exactly _what I fucking thought."

"It isn't about what _we_ think," Pein said, "We're only here for entertainment purposes, it's about what the readers think."

"I'd bet Kakuzu 10, 000 Ryo that not _one_ person thought this shit was funny," Kakuzu chuckled.

"I want my money if you get proved wrong..." He trailed, narrowing his eyes at the Jashinist.

"Well, you won't be getting _shit_! Cause I know I'm right."

"Enough of that!" Pein said, "We get it, this story isn't funny, incest is bad, a parody can suck, Sasuke may or may not have been molested, and Deidara might be a woman. Can we please move past all that for now?"

Everyone looked around at each other, then back to Pein. Nodding their heads, some saying 'yes'.

Pein sighed, "Good, can we get back to what _I_was talking about then."

"Yes," Konan said, "But it will have to wait until another time."

He raised an eyebrow, "Why?"

"Because, this chapter is over." She answered.

"_Fuck!_"

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**Author's Note: **And that's that for now! Just to let everyone know, I wasn't trying to offend (just in case I said something offensive above). This was all for shits, and that's all it will be for. I try not to take my jokes _too_ far though.

I was picturing Naruto SD (or "Rock Lee's Super Springtime of Youth" as it's called in the Manga) the entire time I was writing this. Cause when I see a chibi, I imagine a child. So thinking of Akatsuki "children" saying the things that's been said here just makes it funnier to me. Am I the only one?

Hope you enjoyed, leave a review!

Goodbye!


End file.

Naruto, Humor