Bleach 1. Bean Crème Flambé

Cuisine of Death

**Author's Note: NOT Ichihime!!!! Get your facts right people! This is the true, yet untold story of the REAL downfall of Aizen and the Espada.**

Chapter 1: Bean Crème Flambé

Orihime squatted in the corner of her tiny prison cell in Hueco Mundo. Tears formed in her eyes as she remembered her goodbye to her beloved friends. As she wiped the tears of sorrow away with the back her hand, the door of her room opened, and in stepped Ulquiorra.

"Lord Aizen wants you, now woman," he said flatly.

"W-why?"

"Don't know, don't care, now move."

Orihime walked quietly into a large room, where Sosuke Aizen sat waiting with a cold smile on his face.

"Orihime Inoue..." he started smiling

Orihime felt as if she'd been plunged into a bucket of cold water.

"Can you cook?"

The question caught her off guard.

A smile popped on her face, "Oh yes! I would always cook for my friends in the World of the Living and Soul Society! I love to cook!"

Orihime stopped rambling instantly, remembering that she was a hostage.

Aizen smiled, "Then would it not be too much to ask if you made me and the Espada dinner tonight?"

Orihime was silent. Aizen took that as a yes, "Good, then, see you tonight Inoue..."

Much later, Orihime stood in the kitchen, wondering what to make. "What do hollows eat..." she wondered and looked out a small window/hole in the wall. After a long time of thinking, she made a decision. "I'll make something that'll blow their socks...erm...shoe...thingys off!"

Orihime ran out the door and crashed into Grimmjow. "Watch it woman!" Grimmjow snarled. "What do you want?"

"I...just wanted some materials for..."

Ulquiorra stepped out of the shadows and threw a sack of food at Orihime. "Use that, some of it we gathered from the human world, the others came from the deserts of Hueco Mundo" he said apathetically.

Back at the kitchen, Orihime took a deep breath and said to herself, "Alright! Time to cook! Man, I haven't made something for such a long time; I hope I haven't lost my creativity!"

Orihime emptied the sack Ulquiorra gave her and started throwing things together:

"First, a boiling bowl of water! Wait, no, this isn't water...It red and liquidy...Hmmm. Oh well! Next we add, uh...."

Orihime examined the contents of the sack. "This is weird. The food and materials here are similar to those in the World of the Living, and yet, seemingly different...Oh well. I'll just use them as whatever they look like compared to those in the Human World!"

Orihime began her cuisine: Add, 5 cups of hollow eyeballs (ew), squash, nuts, apples, weird red shavings, wiggly worm like thing, sand, watermelons, seeds, whipped cream, peas, olives, wasabi, onions, purple gooey thing, 2 cups of soy sauce, and then, she added over 20 types of beans and over 10 pounds of chili. Orihime mixed them all together and it turned into a mashed-up green paste.

After that, Orihime poured the past into a metal bowl and stuck it over a stove lit by hollow fire. "I'll call it, Bean Crème Flambé!"

"Something's missing..." Orihime wondered. "Of course! I forgot to make a drink!"

Orihime skipped out the door.

Moments later, Grimmjow walked into the kitchen, "Hey woman! Aizen wants to know when dinner will be ready!" Grimmjow looked around but didn't see Orihime. "Where did that woman..." His eye caught sight of Orihime's Bean Crème Flambé.

"Oh??" Grimmjow looked around the room. No sign of anyone. He walked over to the stove and used his finger to scoop up a bit of the green mash.

"What the heck is this?" Grimmjow stuck it in his mouth to taste it.

Suddenly, Grimmjow's face turned blue and he opened his mouth to scream, but nothing came out. He felt the pain of the flames of hell burning down his throat and melting his every organ. He choked and gagged, crashing into walls, knocking over pots and pans. He felt as if he was dying, and yet, death was clawing at him slowly, as if not knowing whether to end his life or not.

Finally, he fell against the wall and out the window into the desert. His body was sprawled across the sand, his face pale, his eyes bulging, and his mouth was open, as if screaming for somebody to end his misery.

**Author's Note: Poor Grimmy...That is why you never eat something if you don't know what it is. But don't worry, Grimmjow fans, he isn't dead, just scarred for life! **

* * *

**Dislaimer: We don't own Bleach. If we did, Don Kanoji wouldn't have such a ridiculous outfit and quote. .**

**THE SPIRITS ARE ALWAYS WITH YOU!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!**

I mean, seriously.....

* * *

That was "Blade" talking..

This is "Ryoka", and I personally find Don Kanonji gut-bursting funny...

Haha, you should have seen the look on "blade's" face when I went BWAHAHAHAHA each time we met...

I almost died of laughter.

No offense taken, "Blade"

* * *

Oh, and if you don't understand the whole "Ryoka" and "Blade" thing, I'll clear it up...

Our user name is Ryokablade. The fanfics we wrote are made by TWO people, as it says on our profile.

One of us goes by "Ryoka" the other by "Blade"


	2. Slugged Punch

Cuisine of Death

Chapter 2: Slugged Punch

**Author's Note: Part 2 of Orihime's Cuisine of Death!! Who shall the next victim be....hehehe...**

Orihime skipped down the halls of the Hueco Mundo. "I wonder what kind of drink I should make," Orihime stuck her head out the door, "Maybe there's something out here..." But outside, there was nothing but sand, sand, and more sand.

"Nothing here...Hey look!" Orihime bent down to examine the sand. She saw something wiggling in the dirt. With her hand, she plucked it out.

It was a...a...something. The creature was blue and gooey, like a worm, but more liquid-like. "Gross...is this edible?" Orihime then saw a small hollow in a distance stick its head into the ground and devour one of these...things.

"Oh, I guess it is edible!" Orihime turned and went back inside, holding a handful of the blue jellies.

A few yards away, a group of Arrancars were gathered by the ground near the kitchen window. "Move it!" Nnoitra stormed into the crowd. "What the hell? Grimmjow? Tsk...the idiot got himself killed."

"Um, actually no sir, he's only unconscious..."An Arrancar piped up.

"Oh, really, then I guess I'll finish him!"

"What are you doing?"

Nnoitra turned and saw Harribel walk over.

"Just bring Jaggerjaques inside, Aizen-sama is waiting," Harribel said coldly.

"Whatev'," Nnoitra shrugged and left.

Meanwhile, Orihime went back into the kitchen and began her next recipe.

She got a cup of boiling red liquid (I wonder) and filled it with...coconut shavings, bat wings, Arrancar fur, apples, grapes, cranberries, olives, strawberries, pineapples, and 10 cups of the blue jellies. Then Orihime looked for a blender, but obviously, she didn't find one. So instead, Orihime put it in a large bowl and pounded it with a hammer (which actually was a large hollow bone that came from leftovers last night).

"What's all that damn noise??? It's killing me!" Yammy came storming into the kitchen. "Oh, it's you...what the hell is that?" Yammy pointed to Orihime's new "Sludge Punch".

"Oh, well, it's going to be dinner?" Orihime laughed nervously.

"Ok, then...Hey!" Yammy pointed to the large hollow bone. "Don't touch that! It's very important..." Yammy stomped over to the bone and swung his arm to scare Orihime, but, he knocked Orihime's hand which was holding a cup of Sludge Punch, and the punch went flying into Yammy's face.

"AHHHHHHH!!! MY EYES!!!!" Yammy howled with pain and crashed into the wall. When he opened his mouth to scream, drops of the punch dripped into his mouth. Yammy's face went pink and for a few moments, it was quiet.

"Ah....ha....ha...HEHEHEHE!!!" Yammy's eyes went all loopy and he batted his arms like a butterfly and bounced out the door squeaking like a mouse. "Okay..." Orihime blinked, "Sorry about your eyes!! Hm, he must have really liked my juice to be all jumpy like that..." Orihime smiled and poured the punch into some cups. A drop dripped on the ground.

And burned a hole in it.

When Orihime was done, she prepared her Bean Crème Flambé and her sludge punch into nice bowls and got ready for the Espada dinner.

Meanwhile, Harribel was walking down the corridors, enjoying the silence. Suddenly, "HEHEHEHEHE!!!! Goinky doiong ba cha cha!!!!" Harribel turned to the noise and saw Yammy fluttering, at least attempting to, down the hall and crashing into walls.

He ran into Harribel's face and giggled crazily, "H-Harribel...ohohohohoho....que que!!!" The, Yammy screeched like a banshee and jumped/crashed up through the roof.

Harribel stared at the hole in the ceiling and rubbed her eyes. She shook her head and continued to walk on.

**Author's Note: LOL. We've always wanted to make Yammy seem like an idiot! Harribel must be freaked out! Next chapter, dinner is served...**


	3. The Fallen

Cuisine of Death

Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Well, this is it! The utter destruction of the Espada and Aizen!**

Orihime skipped merrily down the hall. A couple of Arrancar had offered to bring her delightful cuisine to the Espada/Aizen meeting room. All she had to do was to go there, introduce what she made, and watch them chow down! Orihime continued to skip down the hall, until she felt a cool breeze coming from above. She glanced up, and saw a huge hole in the ceiling. The funny thing was, the hole was in the shape of a large-like-person.

Orihime shrugged, "They must be redecorating!" *Author sweat drops*

"Hey..."

Orihime turned to the voice and the smiled on her face disappeared. Ulquiorra. The pale faced espada walked towards her, making her back away. "Answer my question." Ulquiorra said simply, "There have apparently been two murders of the Espada, Grimmjow 6th Espada, and Yammy, 10th Espada."

"They're dead???" Orihime gasped.

Ulquiorra frowned and said, "Grimmjow was poisoned by food, but did not die. But as for Yammy, well, he jumped over a building...so..." Ulquiorra stopped and asked, "I want to know if you know anything of this."

"Why are you asking..."

"Silence."

Orihime closed her mouth tightly; she did not like Ulquiorra very much, not one bit.

"As I was saying, do you know anything whatsoever about this? They have been drugged by some type of poison so it seems."

Orihime thought for a moment, and remembered the hole in the ceiling, "Come to think of it," she replied, "The hole in the ceiling does resemble Yammy..."

Ulquiorra frowned at her rather obvious statement.

Orihime sensed impatience and closed her mouth again.

Then she suddenly remembered how Yammy accidentally drank some of her sludge punch. She opened her mouth to say something, but when she looked up, Ulquiorra was leaving, "It appears that you human trash are as clueless as you seem."

Orihime proceeded to enter the meeting room. She creaked open the door and stuck her head in. "Come in..." Aizen smiled. Orihime shuddered. Aizen may have been smiling, but it felt as if his every word was a snake slithering down her back.

Orihime walked in the room and stepped to the side. She glanced around. She saw familiar faces: Aizen, Gin and Tousen, the traitors of Soul Society. The rest were the all famous powerful and deadly espada: the 1st Stark, the 2nd Barragan, the 3rd Harribel, the 4th Ulquiorra, the 5th Nnoitra, Grimmjow was missing, 7th Zommari, 8th Szayel, the 9th Aaroniero, and Yammy was also missing.

"H-hi?" Orihime laughed nervously. The Espada acted as she wasn't there.

So cold...

"Now Inoue, what have you made for us this fine night?" Aizen asked with a cool look on his face.

"W-well, I..."

"Yes?"

Orihime drew her eyes away from Aizen. It made her uncomfortable.

"My-my Aizen-sama, I think she's 'bit nervous!" Gin commented.

"N-no, I was just..."

Stark, for the first time, glanced at Orihime and sighed, shaking his head a bit. Barragan and Harribel were silent. Aaroniero stared at her with his two hideous faces. Szayel scoffed. Nnoitra rolled his eyes, I mean eye.

Before Orihime could say anything, the doors, swung open, and four Arrancars came in, pushing a cart with 11 plates and glasses of Orihime's cooking.

As they served the food, the Espada each made an awkward face, since it was indeed, and awkward looking dish. Aizen rose and eyebrow and asked, "What do you call this?" Orihime was too nervous to answer.

"I guess the name don't matter," Gin poked at the food, which bubbled a bit, making him draw back. "Eeh!"

A few minutes passed, and no one touched the food.

Orihime felt her face turning red, I mean, is my cooking that bad? She though.

Ulquiorra saw her face all red and sighed. Well, no point just sitting here. Ulquiorra scooped up a bit of the food. Immediately all eyes were upon him.

"You said dinner Aizen-sama, so dinner it is..." Ulquiorra opened his mouth and took a bite. Orihime held her breath.

A few seconds passed. The room was silent. The only thing that could be heard was the bubbling sound of Aaroniero's tank head, and the bubbling of Orihime's Bean Crème Flambé.

Apparently, Ulquiorra's stomach needed a few minutes to process what was going on, so Ulquiorra remained silent, not moving. The other Espada shrugged and assumed that the food was okay, and everyone took a bite, except for Aizen who seemed rather suspicious. Right was that happened, Ulquiorra's stomach realized what it had eaten.

**Warning: The following scenes may contain freak out versions of the Espada and are not suitable for viewers with no imagination whatsoever. Therefore, the following scenes will only appear humorous to those who actually can picture what is going on. So please, for the sake of both of us, use your imagination...**

Ulquiorra jumped out of his seat so suddenly, that even Aizen was shocked. Ulquiorra had jumped 5 feet into the air and his eyeballs bulged, and his pale face turned hot pink. He waved his arms around like a chimpanzee and opened his mouth to gasp for air. But instead, out of his mouth, Ulquiorra began to spew fireballs and run around in circles, screaming, "OYOOYOYOYOYOYOYOYO!!!!!!!" Ulquiorra ran around spitting flames until he lost control of his feet. He tripped over a chair leg and went crashing in the wall. The impact had knocked a large iron bowl on the shelf over, and it crashed onto his head. Ulquiorra's eyes went blank.

Aizen's jaw dropped, and he turned around to look at the other Espada, but first, he saw Gin and Tousen.

When Gin had taken the first bite, he saw Ulquiorra's crazy fiasco and so, he immediately spit out the food. He grabbed the sludge punch and drank it to rise out the spice, but that, was a bad mistake...

Gin's fox eyes suddenly exploded open, until they were as wide as dinner plates, revealing his blood-red eyes, and his pupils shrunk to the size of ants.

His hair stood up in the same appearance as Kenpachi's and his mouth dropped open. He stood there, petrified. Aizen ran over and said loudly, "Gin, Gin! What is going on?" Gin couldn't answer. He just stood there, hair up, eyes open, jaw dropped with smoke steaming out, frozen like a statue.

Aizen backed away. He heard to sound of a smashing plate and he turned to Tousen. Tousen had dropped the plate containing Orihime's deadly cooking. Tousen gasped, and gasped, he thrusted his hand upon his throat, and made a nasty choking sound. He gasped every second as is he had asthma.

Then the weirdest thing happened to Tousen. He suddenly stopped choking and stood there.

His hair fell out.

Tousen twitched and collapsed onto the cold hard ground.

Aizen widened his eyes. Was this a food poisoning? He saw Orihime through a corner of his eye, and remembered that Grimmjow and Yammy had also and furiously, he turned towards her shouting, "YOU!"

But before he could say anything, he went silent. He stood there are stared at the horrible sight. The horrible sight of his powerful Espada, each and every one of them, dieing in pain and agony.

Stark was clawing at his face and squealed like a woman. (LOL) His eyes formed into perfect little circles as he smashed onto the ground, his mouth was foaming and his legs were still twitching.

Barragan, the instant he felt something wrong,, he quickly summoned his death breath to rid of the food in his mouth. But, instead of ridding of it, as he blew out his death breath, he blew out a pink wave of steam which collided into a hollow plant. The hollow plant then grew into the size of a mansion, and it screeched. It opened its mouth and turned toward the awful source of whatever acid like substance smashed into its face. Barragan doubled over and coughed like the old man he was...not noticing the advancing hollow plant. Chomp.

Harribel had taken her first bite. She widened her eyes at first. But after a few moments of silence and threw her arms backward and howled with misery. Her throat burned as she attempted to scream, but out came, not a scream, but a sing-song kind of voice, like an opera. "OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Harribel gacked at the sound of her voice and stumbled into the wall, where she squatted down against and shriveled up. She went cold.

Nnoitra hollered and ran towards Orihime, "You-you insolent little wrench!! How dare you!" He choke and gasped.

Meanwhile, apparently Szayel had an allergic reaction to spicy food. He began to well up...larger...larger...and larger, until he was the size of an adjudhas hollow. Well, not really, more like a bloated blimp. He whimpered and he tripped over his own foot, and began to fall, no, ROLL across the ground. He crashed into a choking Zommari, and right into his butt.

Zommari squeaked as if he was filled with helium. His head crashed down onto the table, and he was finished by the impact with Szayel. But right when that happened, he let out a...

Nnoitra gasped for air, and grabbed Orihime by her shirt, "How dare you poison us! What kind of poison is this??? Where did you get it?" He coughed and slumped over, "I-I never felt anything like this....it's-it's more toxic than Szayel's..."

Nnoitra shook his head, " I refuse to be ended by such a pathetic woman!" He staggered and stood up and laughed crazily. "It'll take more than that to destroy Nnoitra the 5th Espadaaa....ah?" Nnoitra sniffed the air. He smelled something disgusting,. He turned as saw a wave of purple gas emerging from Zaommari's corpse's behind.

"Oh shi-" Nnoitra's eye rolled back and he collapsed on to the ground.

Orihime took a step back and whimpered at the sight. What was going...

She heard a high-pitched scream. She turned and saw Aaroniero screaming and bashing his tank head with his hand, "Aizen-sama! Make it stop!!!!!!" The tank began to fill with a blue substance. It seemed to be that during the crisis, some of the sludge punch poured into Aaroniero's tank head.

The 9th Espada screamed as his heads sizzled and burned, and a while later, the tank erupted and he was nothing but ash.

Orihime squealed and took a step back. Suddenly, a hand grabbed her by the shoulder.

"YOU!!" Aizen hollered furiously. "WHAT DID YOU DO???"

"I-I didn't mean to..."

"My Espada! My Espada! What have do done you insolent!"

Aizen raised his zanpakuto and Orihime screamed. She grabbed the nearest item to defend her self, which ended being a bowl mixed with her cooking, her drink, Aaroniero's tank liquid, and had been exposed to Zommari's...

"ARRR!" Aizen, full of rage, swung his sword down at Orihime...

Orihime screamed, "Help me!!!"

Orihime, grabbed the bowl and hurled it at Aizen, and the substance in it was jammed down his throat.

Aizen stopped the swing of his sword. From the window, the moonlight shone into the room, reflecting off of the blade. The doors, slightly opened, let in a gust of wind, blowing back Orihime's hair.

Dead silence. The only noise of the panting of Orihime's breath.

Aizen choked. He dropped his sword, and fell onto his knees. He looked up at Orihime's face. He grabbed the bottom of her dress and managed to choke out his last words, "You-You will pay..."

Aizen Sosuke, traitor of Soul Society, lead of the Arrancars, the Soul Reaper with the strength of 10 Captains, the thief of the Hougyoko, and the liar of the Gotei 13, collapsed onto the floor.

Defeated.

Defeated by Orihime Inoue.

Orihime Inoue and her Cuisine of Death.

Orihime spooned some of her dish, and took a sip.

She frowned.

"It's not **that** bad..."

* * *

Preview for Chapter 4: _"Inoue!" Ichigo, Rukia, Ishida, and Chad came crashing into the room, "What the hell?" Ishida gasped at the sight of the fallen Espada. "What happened?" Rukia asked, shocked. Orihime laughed nervously, "Hehe, well, long story..." Ichigo shook his head. "Well, whatever happened, let's get you back to the Soul Society." Orihime smiled at the thought. "Oh-wait!" She ran over to the food cart. "Here, you must be hungry..."_

**Author's Note: Well, there you go, the untold version of the death of Aizen and the Espada!...Please Review! Hope you enjoyed! Stay tuned for the next chapter!**


	4. To the Soul Society

Cuisine of Death

Chapter 4

**Author's Note: Wah...so sorry for not updating for a while...uh...long time...Here it is, Chapter 4!**

Orihime whimpered and stepped back from the massacre scene. She slowly glanced around the room. Fear trembled down her spine at the sight of everything that was fallen on the ground.

The Espada.

Fallen.  
She shivered and looked to her feet. There he was, Aizen Sosuke. Dead. His body sprawled by her feet. His face was pale, and his eyes were wide open, obviously not contented with his death. So many plans, so much power, so many lives to wipe away. All destroyed. Destroyed by a weak, useless girl who was thrown aside during preparations of what was to be the greatest war of all.

Orihime tightened her fists. She was scared, "Wh-what is going..."

Orihime raced around the room, checking for any signs of life. But the only life was the enlarged hollow plant that ate Barragan. The Espada were dead, Orihime was sure of it. But it was weird; she didn't know whether to be overcome with joy...or sadness...

She plopped down onto the ground. What do I do? She asked herself.

Just as she was staring into space, she heard a sound that made her heart jump.

BAM!!!

The doors bursted open, and Ichigo Kurosaki, Rukia Kuchiki, Renji Abarai, Uryu Ishida, and Chad Yatsutora came running in.

Ichigo, Rukia, and Renji had their Zanpakutos pointed at the Espada. Uryu and Chad were also ready to battle...battle...the...huh?

"What the hell?"

A wave of confusion swept through Ichigo and he moved his eyes along the room. Where was the threat? He looked down. Oh, there it was. Their greatest threats were lying on the ground. Sleeping? Unconscious? Dead? No way, they couldn't be dead...If they were dead, who killed...

"Ichigo!" Rukia shouted

Ichigo turned and finally saw Orihime cowering in a corner.

"Inoue!" Ichigo and Rukia ran towards her.

A smile immediately lighted up on her face when she saw Ichigo.

"Kurosaki-kun! Kuchiki-san!"

Uryu pushed up his glasses, "What happened here? Inoue-san? Are you alright?"

Orihime smiled widely and nodded furiously.

Rukia leaned down where Aizen was, "He-he's dead!"

Everyone looked shocked.

"H-how did he?" Ichigo stuttered.

Orihime giggled nervously, "Well, it's a long story..."

* * *

Orihime began her very descriptive and long story of what happened over the last few days, "And so, they all took a bite and had really weird expressions on their faces...and then..."

But guess what? Orihime left out a few important details; since she was too busy describing the Espada's reactions. She forgot to mention that it was HER cooking and Aizen told HER to make it, and the SHE is the one responsible. So, everyone thought that it was just some Arrancar who hated Aizen that poisoned him.

Ichigo shook his head, "Well, whatever happened, we got to get back to the Soul Society and report it."

Rukia sheathed her zanpakuto and said, "This is going to be extremely unbelievable..."

Uryu looked out the door, "We'll have to just tell the shinigami that there was an accident, and that Aizen was killed by his own."

Ichigo stood up, "Yeah...his own..."

Ichigo balled his fists at the thought of what Aizen had done.

Orihime suddenly remembered, "Oh wait!" She ran to the food cart, "Here, you must be hungry..." (Author's Note: EEP!!!)

"They're here!" Chad called.

Byakuya Kuchiki, Unohana Retsu, Kenpachi Zaraki, Mayuri Kurotsuchi, Nemu Kurotsuchi, Isane Kotetsu, Hanataro Yamada, and Yachiru Kusajishi came walking into the room, all armed.

"WHAT THE HELLL????" Kenpachi roared at the sight of the dead Espada. He was especially mad after hearing the story, which Orihime once again left out some rather important details. Kenpachi continued to rant about "stupid" and "fighting to the death" and "waste of time"

It seemed as if no one was willing to believe that Aizen was murdered by something so...so...trivial.

Unohana smiled though, "But this is rather fortunate for all of us, isn't it?"

Byakuya looked up towards the eternal night sky of Hueco Mundo.

"It seems so. We have avoided a war that might have destroyed the world. A war that we thought," Byakuya closed his eyes, "A war that we thought was inevitable..."

* * *

As Orihime and the others caught up on what happened, Mayuri walked over to the front of the room, and within a few minutes, he unveiled the Hougyoko. He carefully placed it in a small sealed barrier and turned around to...

"EEEE!!!" Mayuri almost crashed into Hanataro when he turned around.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING STANDING SO CLOSE TO ME???" He hollered.

"My b-bad..." Hanataro gulped, "just curious..."

Mayuri was about to proceed yelling, but then he felt a cold stare coming from Unohana, who was ironically smiling. He mumbled angrily and walked away, sealing the Hougyoko carefully in the barrier. It was going to have to be locked away in Central 46 when they returned to the Gotei 13.

Hanatato walked around the room, not really knowing what to do. Then, he spotted a large bowl with bubbling food in it. Hanatao ran over and peered into the bowl. It looked really weird, and he took a sniff. Hanataro suddenly doubled over and bgan choking and gasping for breath, "AHH.........." He coughed. Something probably would've went really bad if Isane hadn't seen him.

"Yamada-san!" Isan quickly ran over tp help the choking Hanataro. Nemu stared at them with the same blank look on her face.

"What happened???" Isane tried to pull Hanataro up. Hanataro gacked and pointed at his open mouth. The smell was so strong it sort of entered through into his mouth. Hanataro wheezed and coughed, while Isane struggled to find out what was wrong with him.

"Wah???" Isane couldn't tell what happened.

Nemu walked over and bend down towards them, "He requires mouth-to-mouth CPR."

"Eh????"

Yachiru then came pouncing over and, "HAHA!!! Hana-chan's playing charades!!" She then jumped on top of Hanataro, who then spewed out a puff of purple smoke, "ah....." Hanataro coughed and then sighed with relief.

A while later, Isane walked over to the pot and looked inside. She stuck her finger in it and took a sample. "What is this?" She was about to taste it until, "Ah! Kotetsu fuku-taicho! Don't eat that!!" Hanataro then tackled her. "EEP!" They fell to the ground.

"S-sorry..." Suddenly, a large shadow covered the both of them and there stood Kenpachi, "Well, well, are you two fighting?"

"N-no!"

"You are? Well lets have some FUN!!!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

Unohana truned around and saw Kenpachi chasnig Isane and Hanataro in circles.

"My, my, aren't they having fun..."

"Taicho!!! Help!!!!"

Unohana smiled, and shaking her head, she walked over to pummle...er...pull back Kenpachi.

* * *

The shinigami left the buildings of the land of the white desert. As they left, they noticed several Arrancar staring at them, not knowing what to do. As they got farther away, Mayuri flicked a switch.

An explosion.

The buildings were no more.

An explosion that would destroy off the dangers of the Arrancars.

But unknowingly, it also set off something else.

There you have it. The end of Aizen. The end of the Espada. The victory of the shinigami. The safety of the human, shinigami, and their leader's world.

It was the end of the greatest threat in the history of Soul Society.

But it was not the end.

An even greater and unknown danger was approaching Soul Society as the shinigami inched closer and closer to their homes.

An even greater danger that threatened everything it shall encounter.

An even greater danger that may as well be known as the TRUE destruction of the Soul Society.

* * *

Orihime Inoue watched happily as they proceeded though the gates. She smiled as she watched Ichigo struggle to walk and Rukia constantly trying to pull Nel off of Ichigo legs. The gates opened, and Ichigo and his friends waved goodbye.

In her mind, Orihime also said goodbye to the lonely desert. The gates closed.

"Let's move!" Ichigo and everyone else began to run through the passage way.

Rukia shifted towards Orihime as they ran, "Nice to have you back, glad that you're okay..." Rukia smiled at Orihime.

Orihime smiled back and nodded. Her hand clutched onto a small box in her pocket.

A box as a souvenir.

The box contained something.

After all, the Espada wouldn't be able to use it anymore.

Something for just in case someone got hungry on the way...

* * *

**Author's Note: AHHH!!! Orihime's cuisine of death is moving towards Soul Society!!! Scream!!! Panic!!! Call a doctor!!! LOL. Yes, we know that this chapter wasn't as funny as the other chapter, since there was no funny reaction of a poor victim of Orihime's cooking. (except for Hanataro...poor hana-chan) But it is, after all, the introduction of death to the Soul Society. Don't worry; someone WILL eat it in the next chapter. Who should be the first shinigami to accidentally get their hands on Orihime's little souvenir...Hmmm.....Go on, take a guess...Hope you enjoyed and please review!**


	5. Squad 11 is Hit

Cuisine of Death

Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Orihime reaches the Soul Society...along with her little...souvenir, ~Enjoy~**

A large Garganta opened in the sky, and hundreds of shinigami had waited for this moment. A while ago, all the members of the Gotei 13 had received a message from the Captains in Hueco Mundo. A message, reporting a Captain's death. No, more like an ex-captain. The death of Sosuke Aizen, traitor of the Soul Society,

As the Garganta opened, Orihime excitedly, though a little nervous, stepped out of the portal after everyone else.

Immediately, right after everyone reached the ground, all of the Gotei Captains came rushing to the front to greet them. Ukitake saw that everyone had come back safely, "Ah! You do not know how glad I am that you all came back in one piece!"

Orihime smiled and was about to respond, until the Soifon cut in, "What is this? This...message we have received! Is there some sort of report on what has happened in Hueco Mundo?"

The head captain approached the shinigami, and merely said, "All right, all of us," Yamamoto glanced at the others, "All of us need to know EXACTLY what has happened, who killed Aizen?"

"I do believe that Orihime Inoue knows more than all of us, as she was there at the time of Aizen's death..." Byakuya said coolly.

"Is this true?" Everyone looked toward Orihime. Orihime nodded and tried her best to explain....and guess what? She was once again to busy explaining the Espada's every single reaction that she left out some pretty darn important information, just like earlier when she explained to Ichigo and the others.

Kyoraku raised his eyebrow as he watched Orihime mimic the Espada's every move. "My, it seems that Inoue-san is enjoying this...OW!"

He received a whack on the shoulder by Nanao, "Sh! Taicho!"

After the explanation, all the captains seemed rather glad and yet disappointed at Aizen's death.

Yamamoto nodded with satisfaction, "I see. I shall announce this officially report in a few days and until then..." He glanced at Orihime, "Until then, I ask for all of you to stay in the Soul Society until everything is verified."

Everyone kept quiet until the Captains left the area.

Just as they all left, all of Ichigo's friends came to greet them happily, and Rangiku greeted Orihime with a tackle, and calling her naïve and a bunch of other names. But, no one could deny the fact that everyone felt as if a large stone was heaved off of their backs at the report of Aizen and the Espada's death.

**A few days later:**

Orihime was walking down one of Soul Society's corridors, and suddenly felt her stomach rumble, "Hmm...I hungry..."

Orihime looked around, "Where can I get food..."

"ORIHIME!!!!"

"Huh?"

Orihime turned and saw Rangiku running toward her. Rangiku smiled widely, "Hey there! Want to go each some lunch with me?"

Orihime grinned and nodded. Before she could actually say anything, Rangiku grabbed her collar and yanked her away screaming, "To the Fourth Division!!!!"

A while later, Orihime and Rangiku were standing in the Fourth Division's kitchen.

"Umm...why are we here?"

Rangiku rolled her eyes, "Well duh, the only stove IS in the Fourth division...."

"Doesn't every squad have one...?"

"Err....sure...Well, this one was closest, okay?"

Orihime pouted and pointed to the stove, which had four large bubbling pots on it.

"But it looks like the fourth squad is using it..." Before she could finish, Rangiku heaved one of the pots onto the counter, and stuck an empty one in its place, "There! I'm sure they'll understand! We'll just put it back later!"

Orihime starched her head, "Why is the Fourth Division cooking?"

Rangiku shrugged, "I think its food for the 11th squad...Now stop asking so many questions!!!"

Orihime smiled and Rangiku asked her, "What should we cook?" She stood there trying to think, and then, Orihime thought of something...** (Author's Note: Oh-no...)**

Orihime reached into her pocket and pulled out little box, containing the food/drink she made in Hueco Mundo. AKA the food that killed the Espada and Aizen. "Here!" She said happily, "I made this, try some!"

Rangiku looked into the box, "Oooohhh!"

She stuck her finger in and ate a small sample. Her smile then changed into a straight line. "Um, Rangiku-san?"

"It's-it-it's...."

"What's the matter???"

Rangiku pounced into the air, "IT"S ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS!!!!"

The two girls squealed with delight.

Rangiku looked into the box again, "Huh? There's so little...."

Orihime's** genius **brain hatched an idea. She dumped the little samples left into the pot. Then, she added hot water into the pot. Surprisingly, when the hot water hit the food, the food expanded twice as much.

"WOW!!! I didn't know that could happen!"

Rangiku jumped up and down, "More for us!!!"

The two girls then poured more hot water until the pot was completely full.

"We need some boxes to hold these!!!" Rangiku said, and then she pulled Orihime out the door, leaving the food still on the stove.

When Rangiku pulled Orihime out, it made Orihime accidentally knock over a can of sardines and chicken powder into their pot, turning the purple stew a light tan color, the same as the Squad 4's food...

Just as they left, a small, shy young boy walked into the room. He carried a squad 4 bag on his back and was holding a stack of bento boxes.

He APPROACHED THE POT....and looked inside...

He made a face, "What a weird smell....What squad 4 member made this anyway....Hey! There's another pot on the counter! Hm, I thought we only made 4 pots not 5..."

"YAMADA!!!! Hurry up with the food! Squad 11's getting pissed off!!!!" A loud voice howled, it was squad 4's third seat, go figure...

"H-hai!!!" Hanatarou quickly scooped the contents of the pot into the bento boxes, filling up every single box to the top. There were a total of boxes, enough for very single member of the 11th squad.

Hanatarou then ran hurriedly away, carrying the boxes that held the wrong contents of food...

Rangiku and Orihime returned and looked into the pot, "Hey...there's only some left! Oh, when I find out who ate it..." Rangiku growled...Orihime laughed and said, "It's okay!" She poured some more hot water in, and the food filled up to the top again," See, more for everyone!!!"

The girls then packed up all of their food and strolled away, but remembering to put the original pot of food back on the stove, although, it was a bit too late.

Meanwhile, the 4th squad members send the bento boxes to the 11th squad, who did not appreciate their hard work, obviously. A squad 11 member rudely pushed Hanatarou and grabbed the food saying, "It's about time you little pipsqueak!"

Hanatarou bowed and walked away with the other 4th division members.

**The Next Day...**

During the Captain's Meeting, Kenpachi Zaraki was late.

"Weird, he's usually not late..." Ukitake frowned.

Toushirou sighed and shook his head.

"Is he ill?" Unohana asked nicely...Suddenly....

"YOU of all people should know if I'm ILL!!!" A loud voice roared from the door, making everyone flinch. The Captains turned around and saw Kenpachi standing there, his face red with anger, and covered in...Green rashes???

Yamamoto's eyes widened, "Zaraki-taicho...what has happened to you?"

Everyone stared with their jaws opened at the rather pathetic sight of Kenpachi.

"What happened to me??? I'll tell you what happened!!"

Kenpachi pointed at Unohana, "The 4th squad tried to poison the 11th! That's what happened!!!"

All eyes turned to Unohana, Soifon asked, "What is he talking about???"

Unohana seemed to be the most shocked, "I have no idea...What are you talking about Zaraki-taicho? Please do not jump to conclusions..."

"JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS??? My squad ate the food you sent us, and this happened!!! All of my men are in grave danger!!!" Kenpachi pointed furiously at his face, "Some of my men are DYING as we speak!!!!"

Byakuya held his hand up, "Calm yourself Zaraki Kenpachi..."

Toushirou nodded, "Let's talk about this before..."

Kenpachi's anger didn't cease, "Yes, that's right!!!" He stormed toward Unohana, who stood there rather shocked, "That's right!!! We need to talk, UNOHANA!!!"

Kenpachi walked angrily, closer and closer to her...

Things seemed to be getting violent, so Soifon reached for her zanpakuto, but was stopped by Yamamoto.

Yamamoto raised his spiritual pressure, but it did nothing to stop Kenpachi. "Zaraki of the 11th squad!!" Kenpachi paid no attention as he proceeded to storm toward Unohana, and the other captains tried to hold him back.

Kyoraku whispered, shaking, "T-this is bad! Captain of the I-kill-everything-in-my- path squad going to attempt to hurt Captain I-rather-face-Yama-jii's-bankai..."

Ukitake shouted, "Unohana!! Get away!!!"

Kenpachi reached for his sword and charged.

Everyone's blood ran cold, not at the sight of Kenpachi charging toward Unohana, but at the sight of Unohana's sudden smile at Kenpachi.

"Calm yourself, Zaraki-taicho..."

From outside, Ichigo, Rukia, Renji, Uryu, and Chad were walking together, talking...Suddenly, they felt a mass wave of spiritual pressure and they turned toward the meeting room. Other shinigami felt it too, and soon, every member of the Gotei 13 was standing outside, watching, waiting.

Hisagi and Izuru asked, "What's happening?"

The other fuku-taichos came running over as well...and Isane, shaking from head to toe, shouted, "The 11th squad has been poisoned, and Zaraki-taicho believes it was Unohana-taicho's doing!"

Rukia gasped and Ichigo stuttered, "B-but Unohana-san would do no such..."

"Well, it doesn't matter, he does what he believes, and his men are dying!"

Rangiku and Orihime also saw the commotion and ran over, "What's going to happen??"

Hanatarou whimpered, "T-taicho..."

Renji yelled over the sound of the shinigami talking nervously so that Rangiku and Orihime head, "Unohana-taicho and Zaraki-taicho are fighting!!!"

"What??? Why???" Rangiku practically screamed.

Suddenly, the rising spiritual pressure almost immediately subsided.

"Look!" Hinamori pointed at the meeting room's door. It began to creak open...

The Gotei 13 Captains came walking out, as if nothing had happened.

Along with them came Unohana and Kenpachi, both of them seemingly calm.

"What is with this gathering in front of my division?" Yamamoto raised an eyebrow.

"Taicho!!!" Isane and Hanataro shouted and ran to Unohana, who simply smiled warmly at them.

"Yes?"

"W-weren't you and Zaraki taicho..."

"Fighting? Oh-no!! We were just having a polite discussion!" Unohana smiled and Kenpachi grunted.

Ichigo noticed that Kenpachi's skin rash was VERY wrong, but he made a smart decision and decided to keep quiet.

"So...Nothing's wrong?" Renji asked, still concerned.

"Of course not Abarai Fuku-taicho! Now, Isane, Hanatarou?"

"Y-yes?"

"Follow me, we shall proceed to the 11th squad and fix this..." Unohana glanced at Kenpachi, who purposely avoided her gaze, "This...problem..."

The other shinigami separated, Orihime and Rangiku decided to follow Unohana to the 11th squad, along with Ichigo, Rukia, their friends, and all of the Fuku-taichos.

Ichigo noticed that Kenpachi walked slowly on purpose, behind all the others.

_Probably Kenpachi's upset over the food poisoning and that horrible rash..._

Ichigo was still suspicious about Kenpachi fighting Unohana, and yet nothing seemed to happen...

Ichigo whispered to Rukia, and they waited and Kenpachi walked past them, "Oy, move it or lose it! I'm not in a very good mood today..."

Ichigo frowned, _well duh; you almost tried to kill Unohana-san..._

Then, it to his brief attention, Ichigo noticed something...the REAL reason why Kenpachi walked behind all the others.

On the back of Kenpachi's Captain cloak, right down smack center in front of his butt,

was a distinctively large footprint...

**Author's Note: HAHA!!! Unohana booted Kenpachi to stop him from wreaking havoc!!!! Hope you enjoyed and please REVIEW!!!!**

**P.S. In the next chapter, you will see what happened to squad 11...**


	6. Investigation: A Face Full of Crud

Cuisine of Death

Chapter 6

**Author's Note: YAY!!! We had time to update early!!! Enjoy and please don't forget to review, we would appreciate that!!!**

* * *

Orihime walked behind the other shinigami, and couldn't help but notice a large, dark aura surrounding the front, especially next to Soifon, on top of Unohana and Kenpachi. Oh well, couldn't blame them.

A while later, they arrived at the 11th division's door. "Is everyone in here?" Unohana asked sweetly. She was replied by a loud grunt from Kenpachi.

"Uh..." Ichigo leaned over and whispered to Rukia, "Isn't a bit dangerous for those two to be..."

Rukia was about to reply, until Renji heard them, "I'll take care of that!" Renji then proceeded to squeeze between the two scary captains saying, "Here! I'll open the door!"

Renji reached out to push the door open, and everyone besides Kenpachi held their breaths, not knowing what the 11th division member would look like...

But suddenly, the door opened by itself.

From the other side, they saw an 11th division member standing there. It was...uh...no one could tell really, because the person had apparently put a large brown bag over his head that said "Granny Chum's Fish Market" on the front.

Ukitake forced a smile, "Uh, hello there...and..."

"YUMICHIKA!!!" Rangiku pointed and shouted at the person.

Yes it indeed was, Yumichika, and then everyone recognized him by that orange scarf thing around his shoulder and neck.

Yumichika, not taking off his sack, threw his arms into the air and shouted in a muffled tone, "WELL!!! Thank YOU for letting the world know!!!!"

"Uh, excuse me but, why is there a fish sack on your head?" Mayuri cackled, rather amused. Yumichika ignore the question until Unohana commented, "Yumichika-san, in order to heal you, I must know what situation you are in first...Yes?" Unohana smiled coldly, making everyone shiver. Yumichika groaned and began his flashback...

"_YAWN!!!"_

_Yumichika stretched and got out of bed, "My, what a good nights sleep!!!" He then put on his uniform and walked toward the door, "Well, time to wake up Ikkaku, after all, don't want to sleep through that mission thingy..."_

_Yumichika, in a rather happy mood, walked by his mirror..._

_And stopped..._

_He twitched, "Ha...that's funny, some ugly person is in my room looking at my mirror..."_

_Yumichika turned and saw his face._

"_AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! MY FACE!!! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!!!! IT'S RUINED!!! NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! OH WHY???????????? WHY??????????"_

_Yumichika shrunk to his knees and burst into tears, pounding his head against the walls. "WHOEVER DID THIS SHALL PAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!"_

Back to the present...

"So...what DID happen to your face?" Uryu raised an eyebrow. He thought that Yumichika must have been exaggerating; it was probably just a pimple or something.

Yumichika whimpered and reluctantly took off the bag after receiving a "compassionate" smile from Unohana.

Uryu's eyes widened.

Scratch that...make that pimple**S**.

Orihime squealed with fear at the sight of Yumichika's face.

All of the Captains took a couple of steps back.

Ukitake began to cough, and Byakuya had trouble keeping his cool, as well as Soifon and Toushiro, whose eyes began to twitch. Yamamoto merely sighed and shook his head sadly.

Ichigo and Rukia tried to hide their sickening expressions.

Renji and Chad looked like they were going to pass out.

Yumichika's face made Kenpachi's green rash look like a lovely flower; all of Yumichika's skin was covered with pimple-like bumps, and they were all bulging purple; his lips were swollen like tomatoes and were dark red, making his front teeth jut out like a rabbit that seriously needed braces.

Everyone stared, and a while later, Yumichika began to weep, "Oh why? My beautiful face!!!! Oh why???"

Unohana replied after a long period of silence from the others who did not know what to say, "Well, let's go inside and see what we can do about this..."

Yumichika cried and jammed the sack onto his head again. As they walked in, Ichigo stepped toward the whining Yumichika and asked, "If this happened to you, what happened to Ikkaku-san?"

Yumichika let out a loud splatter, which seemed like an attempt to laugh. "You'll see, you'll see." And with that, Yumichika flash-stepped away, _probably to hide in his room..._thought Ichigo.  
As the shinigami walked in, they saw hundreds of squad 11 members lying all over the place, every single one groaning with pain and agony. All of them had each different side effects from this "poison". Orihime glanced around and shivered at the sight. "What sort of cruel person would do such a thing?" She asked.

Kenpachi shrugged as Unohana organized her squad 4 members to tend to the sick shinigami.

Rangiku, Hisagi, Hinamori, Izuru, and the other Fuku-taichos were ordered to search the quarters for anything suspicious, and the captains also spread out to search the area, which was rather hard considering the fact that very corner lied an almost dead shinigami.  
Yamamoto stood by the front door of the 11th squad barracks, waiting for a message from a shinigami to know whether anyone else was infected. Byakuya had trouble moving around in his normally "elegant" manner, especially since he had to hop around to avoid stepping on someone. Fortunately, later, he was ordered to report back to his division to watch over the lower ranked shinigami for the other captains too.

Kyoraku, Ukitake, and Komamura searched the smaller rooms for any sign of the poison. Toushiro and Soifon took the roofs, where it was easier to avoid the bodies of the 11th squad shinigami.

Hanataro and Isane had to struggle to hold back Mayuri from insisting on performing "experiments" by injecting the sick with random shots which he had no idea what would happen when he did.

Unohana walked into a large room, and saw a large pink blob taking up most of the room's space in the corner. Oh wait, that was Yachiru.

"Yachiru-san!!" Orihime ran past Unohana and to Yachiru. If it were not that she had been poison, Ichigo swore that he would have burst out laughing. Yachiru's body had completely swelled up into a large blue...err...pinkberry the size of a large 5-star-hotel bathroom, not toilet, bathroom.

Unohana walked over and sat down next to Orihime and Yachiru. "Oh my, this isn't good...Isane?"

"H-hai!!"

Unohana turned around, "Please request Yamada-san to bring over a couple of 11th squad members who have different side effects, I wish to examine all of them..."

"Yes ma'am!"

Unohana then turned to Ichigo, Rukia, and Orihime, and asked, "May you three please hold Yachiru up?" Ichigo and Rukia looked at each other, and then walked over, picking up Yachiru. Ichigo then was able to see Yachiru's face...well...not really. Yachiru's cheeks had swollen up so they were so poofy that they covered up her facial features. Unohana examined her a bit and kept quiet.

"Unohana-san? Is she..." Ichigo began.

Unohana stood up and sighed, "I am ashamed to admit it, but I have absolutely NO idea what caused this or even HOW to cure it..."

"Oh. That's...not good...is it?"  
Unohana shook her head, "I'll need much more time if I want to..."

She was then interrupted by a loud scream and a crash. Everyone turned their attention to the source of the sound, coming from the garden. There, they saw a bald man running and screaming in circles, and then running back into his room.

Renji blinked, "Uhh...wasn't that Ikkaku-san?"

"Y-yeah..." Ichigo rubbed his eyes. "And, was it just me, or was his head rather glowing today?"

"The poison made Ikkaku's head glow like a lantern..." A muffled voice came from behind. They turned and saw Yumichika, in his fish bag over his head.

"What are you...?" Orihime began...

"I..." Yumichika interrupted, "I was about to tell you what happened. Okay, Ikkaku's head began to glow like a butt of a firefly, and then suddenly, 10 strings of white hair erupted from his..."

"Whoa-whoa....WAIT!!! Ikkaku's side effect from the poison was that it made him grow HAIR????" Ichigo gawked.

Yumichika growled, "I wasn't finished!!! The hair grew out of his EARS not his head!!! The hairs were each 2 feet long!"

Everyone made a sick face...

"Also, he's been having a bunch of spiritual attacks. Every once ion a while, his spiritual pressure spontaneously erupts, destroying everything within 10 feet of him!!"

"Okay..." Unohana turned her attention to Isane and Hanataro, who came waling into the room.

"Taicho! Sorry, but we couldn't bring different side affected shinigami here, because EVERYONE had a different side effect..." Isane mumbled.

Then, the doors burst open and the Captains and Lieutenants came running in. In Hisagi's arms was Hinamori, whose mouth was foaming and her left leg was twitching.

"What happened?" Rukia asked.

Toushirou, in a rather panicked tone, said, "I don't know! I think she got a hold of some of this...She didn't dare to eat it, but she did smell it..."

He turned to Soifon, who held out a bento box full of Squad 4 (actually Orihime/Rangiku's food).

"Let me see that!" Ichigo ran over and brought it to Unohana. She carefully picked it up and looked inside.

Suddenly, a HUGE roar made everyone jump. Something from the other side of the wall exploded, and the impact sent everyone in the room flying to the ground...

And guess where it send Unohana's face?

Into the bowl to toxic food...

"TAICHO!!!" Hanatarou squealed.

"Unohana!!" Ukitake and Kyoraku ran over to her side.

"Is she alright?" Ichigo leaned over.

"Not...good..." Soifon muttered, "Her shoulders are shaking..."

Suddenly, Unohana jumped 5 feet into the air, making everyone scream and fall back, and almost giving Yamamoto a stroke.

Unohana covered her mouth, her eyes wide with shock. "Unohana-san!" Ichigo shouted. Her face then turned all colors of the rainbow, and ended with a sick green color. Then, she sprinted to the end of the room and to the garden; everyone followed her shouting her name.

Unohana opened her mouth, and then...out of her mouth, she began to spew fireballs!!! Orihime's eyes widened. Fireballs...Just like Ulquiorra!!! She shook her head, no, it was a mere coincidence. A lot of poisons can make people spew fireballs, right?

A fireball she spewed had hit the top of Kenpachi's hair, and his bells caught on fire. He roared and ran around trying to put it out. Finally, Toushiro released Hyourinmaru and put the out, but soaked Kenpachi during the process, which he did not appreciate.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the room, Ikkaku had another spiritual attack, which had caused the room next door to shake, causing Unohana to fall into the toxic food.

Ikkaku screamed as the pain burned through his entire body, and he fled out the door, screaming in agony.

As he sprinted out the door and into the garden, he saw something flying toward him. A fireball (from Unohana at the other side of the garden). The fireballs crashed into his face, and his 2 foot long ear hairs caught on fire.

"!!!!" Ikkaku howled, grabbing the attention of the Gotei 13 captains and Ichigo's friends.

"Ikkaku!!!" Kenpachi and Yumichika shouted.

Ikkaku ignore their weird stare and continues to scream, and ran and fast as he could away. When he was out of sight, everyone turned back to Unohana, who had passed out, lying on the ground. Her eyes had rolled to the back of her head. She was alive, but not for long if everyone just STOOD THERE!!!!

"Hurry!" Yamamoto ordered. "Send Unohana to the 4th division now!!!"

"Yes sir!!" Everyone hurriedly helped her up and prepared to send her to the hospital.

* * *

Ikkaku screamed and ran, his head burned with pain, and his ears burned with...fire!!

The fire was no ordinary fire; it stank of dead animals (Orihime's cooking) and it seemed that even inhaling the smoke was toxic!!! He needed help, fast!!

He ran blindly, screaming at the top of his lungs, until he spotted a large pond filled with WATER!!!

He gasped and dunked his head into the water, the fire going out. But, when Ikkaku lifted his shiny head out of the water, her saw that all the koi fish in the pond had floated to the top, dead. And the color of the water had turned a dark green.

"Whoops!" Ikkaku whispered. He then heard a low, angry voice.

"What are you doing?"

Ikkaku lifted his head and saw the number on the division's door: 6.

He gulped and turned around.

There stood Byakuya, a very angry Byakuya.

"K-Kuchiki-T-taicho!!!"

Byakuya glanced at his now dead pond/fish. His eyes darkened.

He drew his sword.

"W-wait Taicho!!! I-I can explain!!!"

"Chire...Senbonzakura..."

"AAAHHHH!!!!!"

* * *

**Author's Note: Yeah! There goes chapter 6!! Poor Ikkaku...Hope you enjoyed and please review!!! **


	7. Ninjas Go Berserk

Cuisine of Death

Chapter 7

**Author's Note: Hey every....WHOA!!! (Dodges 50 tomatoes) Hey, what's with the HIYEEE!!!! (Dodges 5 shurikens) Okay Okay!!!! **

**SOOOO sorry for not updating in over a month...been so freaking busy. Also, we had yet another issue of Writer's Block. You see, we have another story similar to the plot of Cuisine of Death called Waves of Laughter, and we were trying to figure out the plots so that the storylines wouldn't repeat or overlap. Sigh...We hope that no one lost too much interest in this story. If you are a fan of this fanfic, once again, we are sorry for not updating, sorry for making you wait, and sorry for this long apology that is wasting your time. XD So, as an apology gift, we made this chapter super long!**

"Oh crap crap crap crap crap crap crab...er...CRAP!!!!" Ichigo threw his arms in the air and onto his head. "Crap crap crap cr..."

"SHUT UP ALREADY!!!" Rukia shouted and threw a tin can at Ichigo's head. "Can't you see we are in a crisis???"

Ichigo glared at her and rubbed his head. Ichigo, Rukia, Renji, Uryu, Orihime, and Chad were in the squad 4 barracks, right outside of Unohana's room, were they could hear panicked shouts of, UNOHANA TAICHOU!!!!! HOLY CRUD!!!! AHH!! I THINK THIS ONE IS HAVING A SEIZURE!! HURRY!! I DEMANDED FOR A MEDIC 5 MINUTES AGO!!! And other things like that.

Orihime sighed and leaned against the back of her seat, "When will all of this end?"

A voice pooped up from a separate room, "AKK!!! IKKAKU-SAN!!! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU??? YOU'RE HEAD IS ALL CUT AND..."

"SHUT UP DAMMIT! IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT THIS HAPPENED!!"

"Here Ikkaku-san, some food for you..."

"What is it?"

"...Fish..."

"AHH!!! I HATE FISH!!!! FISH SHOULD DIE!!!!" (Remember the Byakuya's pond and Ikkaku's burning head incident from the last chapter?)

Rukia blinked and coughed a little.

Uryu pushed up his glasses and replied, "I think that we should focus about WHAT this so called poison is."

Ichigo frowned and argued, "Actually, that doesn't really matter."

Uryu crossed his arms and turned toward Ichigo, "What's that suppose to mean? Of course we have to know what the poison is!!! Or else how will we stop it? Any idiot would know that!"

Ichigo growled at Uryu and shouted rather loudly, "Don't you mean that ANY idiot would know that we should try to stop the freaking poison from spreading FIRST???"

Uryu rolled his eyes and sighed.

Ichigo was about to continue until Rukia stopped him, "Arguing won't help."

"Yeah but Uryu is being a complete..."

"Hey guys..." Chad pointed toward the ceiling. A black hell butterfly gently fluttered downward. Rukia raised an eyebrow and lifted her finger toward it, and received an interesting message, "All who have received this message are to report to the 1st division for an emergency meeting this evening."

Renji grunted and pushed himself off the chair with effort. "Well, I guess that means us..." His friends nodded and left the division building, but not without returning a concerned glance back at the hospital where the ill shinigami laid.

Meanwhile...

Rangiku moaned and slammed her face against the table. Yes, the Soul Society was having a poisoning, and here she was, in battle with her worst enemy...paper work.

"I can't believe that Hitsugaya taichou dumped me here while he ran off! 'I have to watch Momo'....GEEZ!!!! I mean, he could have at least let ME come as well!!! I'M Hinamori's friend too!!!"

Rangiku sighed and looked around the room, which was pretty much vacant because ever since that whole poisoning thing started, every shinigami had tried to stay indoors at much as possible, since nobody yet knew how the poisoning was spread. Rangiku smiled a bit and reached toward a bottom cupboard, pulling out a jar of Sake.

"Aha! This should lighten me...HEY! It's all empty!" Rangiku tipped the jar over and shook it violently.

"Ugggg..." She stood up and proceeded to the kitchen. Normally she would have to sneak around to get some sake, but since no one was there, she proudly marched down the hall and into the kitchen.

"Hm...Darn, I can't find anything except for the...sweet!!!" A large smiled spread across her face as she pulled out a small container from the side of the oven. "I knew that making more of Orihime's delicious food was a good idea! And good thing I saved some...Hm...I want some more than just this..."

Rangiku suddenly remembered the special effect the food reacted to when touched by water. She hurriedly ran to the sink and filled the container to the top, and in 5 seconds, the food expanded.

"Awesome...uh-oh..."

The food began to overfill the container, and began to leak over the edges and drip onto the floor. "Eek!" Pulling her hand back from getting touched by the food, Rangiku looked around and saw a large pot over one of the stoves. "Oh my gosh...this food is sticky, it's not...grunt...coming out of the container!! Oops...the spoon got stuck." She turned away from an instant, not noticing that the food engulfed the whole spoon immediately.

Rangiku ran over to the stove and using a large spatula, dumped all of the cooking into the pot, yet the food continued to grow. "Let's see, hot water makes it expand, so..." Rangiku reached toward the dial and turned the heat on the max. "I'll wait until the food grows until it is about to burst, then I'll dump some ice cubes in...Maybe it'll solidify."

Rangiku turned and walked away, "I'll be back later; I still have to do that stupid paperwork..."

The stove grew hotter and hotter.

1 hour later, Rangiku fell sound asleep on the table.

The stove grew hot, so hot that it burned off, and the food inside stopped growing. It settled down and turned into an oatmeal color, bubbling inside the pot.

Creak....

An eye peered from the door of the kitchen, and moved around, investigating the room, and eventually landed atop the pot.

"There you are..." The figure swooped in and opened the lid of the pot, sneering as his eyes laid at the sickly food.

"Ha!! So this is the deadly poison that has been destroying everything. Hmph...

doesn't seem like much to me! This is not...for I...I AM the true master of the poisons! Hahahahahahahaha....

MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA EEEE!!!!"

"Mayuri-sama..."

"AHH!!!"

A young woman stepped into the room.

"Ah damn you Nemu!!!! Don't scare...eh...interrupt me like that!!!" Mayuri snarled angrily while taking out a small test tube from his haori.

"My sincerest apologies Mayuri-sama," Nemu lowered her head.

"Whatever...just hold this test tube while I take a sample. I'm going to show the other shinigami that there is no, NO poison that can outdo mine!!" Mayuri growled with fury and carelessly scooped some of the food into test tube, and accidentally dripped some onto Nemu's hand.

"I wanted to get some more samples, but no...this should be enough. After all that work of investigation, I finally was able to track down the traces of where this poison was reached, and here it is...leading to the 10th division! Wonder what those fools are doing with such a deadly poison in their kitchens..."

Mayuri snickered and capped the test tube. "Nemu, let's go."

"Hai." Nemu widened her eyes a bit. She glanced at her hand where the food had dripped onto. She wiped it away, not noticing the small burn mark it left behind.

The two walked away, leaving the remainder of the food on top of the stove.

Another hour later...

"Man, what a day..." A 10th division member sighed and yawned. "This stupid poison incident is screwing everything up...First the combat division...and now the medics!!"

The Shinigami's friend nodded, "This is bad...hey, where's Hitsugaya-taichou?"

The shinigami shrugged, "I heard that he's still watching overt the hospital...wait, then where's Matsumoto-fukutaicho?"

"I dunno...oh! Here she is!" A third shinigami answered, "She's sitting on the chair...and asleep."

"How do you know?"

"Well, her head in plopped on the desk top."

"Haha! That's Matsumoto fukutaicho for you!"  
A shinigami frowned, "Man I'm, hungry...hey! Look! I guess that someone was cooking...there's a pot of food on the stove."

"Cool, let's grab a bit to eat; I'm sure no one will mind."

"Hey dude! Pack some up for me too! I gotta get to the second division!"

"...Why?"

"I have a couple of buddies in the Stealth Force and we're planning on hanging out for a while, so I want to pack some food for them too!"  
"'Kay."

The shinigami parted, each carrying the contents of the food...

10 minutes later...

"Mmmmm....Ah.....Wah...What time is it....? HOLY!!!" Rangiku bolted up from her desk and ran out the door, grabbing her zanpakuto, "I'm going to be late for the meeting!!!!"

The sun was dropping, and evening arrived. The high seated officers of the Gotei 13 (excluding the ill ones) were in the 1st division barracks.

Yamamoto nodded as Ichigo and the others walked into the room. He raised his vice and began the meeting, "As you all know, a serious poisoning has been creating inner chaos in the Seireitei, and this meeting won't be long. Unohana and Zaraki taichou have both been inured by this poison, and it is bad enough that the captains of the Medic and Combat squads are the first to go down."

Yamamoto glanced around, "I wish for everyone here to be extremely cautious, and avoid to be in contact with the infected people. Any questions?"

Byakuya stepped in, "Excuse me Head Captain, but what do we know of this poison?"

Yamamoto sighed, "Nothing much yet...the last sample of it was messed up when...err...Unohana taichou fell into it. All we know is that all the shinigami were infected by it from food. We know of nothing else."

"Yet..." Mayuri sneered from the other side of the room, receiving curious glances from the other captains.

Yamamoto cleared his throat, "Do you know something, Kurotsuchi taichou?"

Mayuri smiled, "Nothing, not yet. I DID find little sample though..." Mayuri sent an evil grin at Rangiku, "And I have some evidence of where it came from..."

"..." Rangiku frowned, "Why looking at me?"

Yamamoto nodded, "Well, can you..."

Mayuri interrupted, "I will give a full report tomorrow when I complete some tests."

Yamamoto hesitated but agreed, "All Captains, keep a sharp eye at your squad members, we will assign each of you a personal hell butterfly that shall follow you. Use it as an emergency hell butterfly contact if you notice anything wrong!"

The Captains nodded and the meeting was adjourned.

At the 10th squad, Rangiku couldn't help but wonder why Mayuri gave her that look. "He can't honestly be suspecting ME of all people?" She pouted.

"What?" Toushiro walked over.

"Taichou! How's Hinamori?"

Toushiro frowned, "Not good, she won't wake up. Every 1 hour or so she makes a gurgling sound and then passes out. The fourth squad says that it's a side effect."

"You mean that everyone infected will..."

"No, they also said that side effects vary from people to people."

Rangiku sighed but then lit up, "Oh! I still have food in the kitchen! Taichou! You want..."

Toushiro groaned and walked away.

"I guess that's a no..." Rangiku opened the lid, "HEY!!! Who took all of the food???"

Indeed, the pot was all empty.

"ARH!!! Whoever...ah what the heck, I'll just get some more from Orihime later..." Rangiku yawned and stretched her arms. "I need to sleep..."

At the Second Division:

Soifon walked down the halls toward the training area of her squad, with a hell butterfly following her. The Head Captain had issued an order to make sure that everyone was cautious, so Soifon had decided that her subordinates should be well informed as well.

She reached the door and cleared her throat. Using one hand, she pulled the door open and....

A shinigami popped out and jumped in front of her and screeched, "AGOOGLEGOOGLEGOOGLEGOOGLE!!!!!"

"What the hell?" Soifon reached for her zanpakuto and backed off. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" She shouted at the shinigami, who was tiptoeing around, fluttering his arms in the air and whispering, "Poof!!" The shinigami giggled and crashed onto the floor instantly. Soifon raised an eyebrow, "Okay..."

She walked over and looked that the shinigami...she pulled the top part of his kimono and saw the symbol of the tenth division.

"Why is a member of the tenth division here? And WHY did he just jump out and..." Soifon's eyes widened and she dropped the man, sprinting into the training area.

She twitched.

In the training area, the first thing she saw was a couple of lunchboxes, empty, on the ground.

The next thing she was gave her a heart attack...almost.

Her stealth force members were lying on the ground, acting like insane maniacs.

One of them was shaking his legs and waving his arms, throwing knives in all directions.

Another one was lying on the floor with bloodshot eyes...and lying in a pool of suspicious yellow liquid. A couple of others were screaming and clawing at their mouths, and a few were bashing their heads against the stone walls, shouting and moaning.

Another Stealth Force member hugging onto a tree and chewing at the bark, and barking like a dog.

Soifon rubbed her eyes and backed away. "Oh my god..."

She was about to run into the room to investigate what happened, until she remembers the orders, "Stay away from the infected, and if you notice something wrong, report it immediately."

Soifon reached for the hell butterfly...until she saw a crazy shinigami charge towards her, his eyes boggling, mouth opened, and tongue flapping around. "T-T-T-T-T-Taichou!!!!" He screeched and ran at her.

"Ah!" Soifon jumped out of the room and slammed the doors shut, and she felt the man crash into the door...then sliding down onto the ground.

Soifon felt like panicking, but managed to remain clam. She grabbed the hell butterfly and made contact with the Head Captain.

"Yes Soifon taichou? If there something wrong?"

Soifon took a breath and decided to calmly express the situation.

Then, she heard a voice sing from behind the door, "I'm...too sexy for my shirt!!!! So sexy that it hurts!!!!"

Calmly? Scratch that.

Soifon twitched and rapidly talked, "YES!!! Yes there is something VERY WRONG HERE....AK!!"

A large thump echoed as a figure crashed into the door.

"Is your squad...?"

"Yes!" Soifon gagged as another figure bashed against the door.

"Very well, help will arrive in 5minutes..."

"...uh..."

"...3 minutes?"

"Thank you head captain..." Soifon moaned as the contact broke.

_Okay, keep calm...just keep the door from breaking down and all will be fine...._Soifon murmured to herself.

"SO SEXY!!!!" A voice echoed from the other side.

"Gah! Bakudo no yon! Hainawa!!" Soifon shouted and a yellow stream of rope tied up the door handles.

Soifon sighed and plopped on the floor, "I hate this, so, so much...AAHH!"

A final thud crashed against the door.

Soifon twitched. Again.

_Preview:_

"_What's going on???" Rangiku shouted at Ichigo._

_Ichigo shouted back while running, "Mayuri...something happened!!"_

"_What are you...?"_

_Rukia cut in, "Kurotsuchi taichou seems to be infected!" _

"_What? That's impossible! Isn't Kurotsuchi taichou invulnerable?"_

"_I don't..."_

"_THERE HE IS!!!"_

_Mayuri ran down the road, screaming and waving his arms in circles, each hand holding a surgery knife. Green bubbles were popping from where his ears were supposed to be and his eyes had those cartoon red spirals in them._

"_DISSECTION!!!! KEKEKEKE!!!" Mayuri laughed and chased after an unfortunate shinigami, "HAHAHA!!! I SHALL DISSECT YOU!!!!" _

_Another preview:_

_Mayuri wandered, giggling like an idiot, into a hospital room. "Cut, cut, cut 'em up!!! LOULOULOULOU!!!" He saw a figure on the bed, sleeping. _

"_KEKEKKE!!! I WILL DISSECT YOU!!!!" Mayuri pounced on the figure. Suddenly, the figure bolted up and roared, roared so loud that the whole division shook, "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE I RIP YOUR LUNGS OUT AND FORCE THEM DOWN YOUR THROAT!!!!" Mayuri screamed and fell off the bed. The red swirls in his eyes stared at the figure, which had steam erupting from its nostrils._

"_I WILL DISSECT YOU!!!!" Mayuri giggled and ran at the figure. The figure grabbed Mayuri by the throat and hurled him through the ceiling. Mayuri's head was shoved up the ceiling and the rest of his body was dangling below. _

_Isane, who had heard the noise, ran inside, and after seeing the scene, whimpered, "Kurotsuchi taichou..." She looked at the figure roaring and jumping up and down on the bed, the figure that was screaming, the figure that shoved Mayuri through the ceiling. Isane's face went white, "U-Unohana taichou..."_

**Author's Note: Hey! Did the preview catch your attention? :D It's finally Winter Break, and Happy Holidays! Hope you enjoyed and please review! ^__^**


	8. Awaken The Smile of Doom

Cuisine of Death

Chapter 8: Awaken The Smile of Doom

**Author's Note: Hi, it's been a while! So sorry for the late updates, up to March probably... both Blade and I will be really busy and stressed out...OH well, please enjoy! But we already have an idea for the next chapter, so th update MAY BE sooner. Enjoy!**

_I'm a model you know what I mean_

_And I do my little turn on the catwalk..._

_SOOO SEXY!!!_

"AAAAHHHH!!!!" Soifon bolted up, panting heavily, with a twitch. She sighed.

Oh, it was all a bad dream.

She wished, she thought grimly, recalling the events of what had happened the previous day. It was night time, and she wondered if she needed to see a psychiatrist...it was pretty painful to hear your previously disciplined stealth force start singing _that_....

She shuddered.

"Taichou? Are you all-AAAHHHH!" Omaeda opened the door and a foot met his face before forcing him to crash into the opposite wall.

"DON'T YOU DARE SING THAT!" bellowed Soifon, whipping on her captain's cloak.

"I DON'T SING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TAICHOU!" screamed Omaeda.

"...." Soifon didn't want to admit that she thought that the poisoned Stealth Force members had escaped.

"Are you all right Taichou?" asked Omaeda cautiously.

"Shut up. I'm fine"

"...you were screaming."

"I just told you to shut up!" snapped Soifon, slapping her foot in the back of his head.

"F-fine!" said Omaeda, groaning as he massaged his head. "I'm decent enough to get out in the middle of the night from my very warm bed, and all I get for being considerable is two kicks to the head! Good night, Taichou!" he said in a huff.

"Wait. Omaeda."

"What?"

"I want you to go to Squad Four right now and check to see if the Stealth Force shows any signs of recuperation, and report back immediately."

(Ryo: Recuperation? XD Who uses THAT word? Blade: Soifon does, and so do I. Ryo: ...)

"Why? Everyone's going to be asleep."

"Idiot, Squad Four will be on high alert now, trying to eliminate the poison. Squad Two is currently on standby for the moment, because our forces are....out of commission thanks to the poison."

"..All right Taichou," said Omaeda tiredly, wishing he really hadn't gotten out of bed, before leaving.

Soifon groaned wearily. She doubted she'd get any rest unless she knew for sure the infected were cured, or restrained securely. Particularly the singing ones....

Omaeda grumbled, picking his way through to the Fourth Division.

"Jeez, sending me in the middle of the night for something like this...." he complained, walking up the lit stairs towards the hospital area.

"Ah, Omaeda-fukutaichou!" said Isane in surprise. She looked tired, but greeted the Second Division's lieutenant with a smile.

"My taichou asked me to check up on the status of the poisoned Stealth Force members."

"At this time of night? She must be worried."

"Worried about her subordinates? She just kicked me twice in the head!"

Isane sighed. "At least _your_ taichou isn't in a coma."

"Captain Unohana still hasn't recovered?"

Isane whimpered. "After she started spewing fireballs, her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she lost consciousness. She's been in a coma since then. It's so hard to find space for so many of the poisoned and we don't know how to cure them without Unohana-taichou...."

Omaeda sighed. "So the Stealth Squad..."

"Will probably be sedated until a cure can be found."

"My taichou will want me to inspect them..." Normally Omaeda wouldn't volunteer for extra work, but he didn't want to be sent back to the gloomy Fourth Squad a second time when he wanted to sleep. He didn't think about the even more washed out members who were on duty.

"Of course....but...we can't exactly allow you to see them...they're in extensive care...they're in a room where they can't hurt anyone....or themselves."

Omaeda swallowed nervously.

"So you're saying..."

"They'll be confined right now, and we have members guarding them right now. Some of them are.... too out of control to be sedated...."

"Ah, I see....thanks...." mumbled Omaeda, a little worried about the news of his report.

"It's not a problem...I should probably check up on my taichou now...."

"Good night."

Omaeda nodded and walked back to inform his captain...who he was not very excited to meet.

Omaeda entered Soifon's room and was about to proceed to talk, then:

Soifon bolted up from her chair and hollered, "WHOEVER SINGS THAT AGAIN WILL WISH THAT THEY WERE NEVER..."

"TAICHOU!!!" Omaeda waved his arms, "Yeesh! It's just me!!"

Soifon snarled sarcastically, "Oh, thanks, I feel better now."

Omaeda frowned and continued, "Yeah, the Stealth Force...things aren't very good there, considering Unohana Taichou is out too..."

Soifon sighed and leaned back in her chair, "If I hear that song one more time, I am literally going to explode..."

Just then, Omaeda got a brilliant idea; He smiled and tiptoed over to Soifon's ear and whispered, "I'm."

Soifon opened her eyes and glanced at Omaeda with a raised eyebrow.

Omaeda whispered, evern more quitely, "Too...sexyformyshirt...AHHHH!!!!" Omaeda managed to finish his sentence, and as an answer, he recieved a beautiful kick in the gut from his lovely captain, sending him through a couple of walls.

Soifon crossed her arms and glared at Omaeda, who was struggling to get up, "Taichou! You shouldn't have done that!! It was mean!"

Soifon sneered, "You're right...now my room has a draft..." With that, Soifon turned around plopped back in her chair. Suddenly, a loud BOOM erupted and a steel bullet-like figure came diving toward her from the sky. Soifon jumped to the side to dodge it, and grabbed her sword shouthing, "Who's there?"

All she heard was a moan from Omaeda, and as she turned around, she saw the bullet knock Omaeda unconsious, leaving a fairly large bump on his head.

Soifon twitched and told herself, "Okay, I am officially staying indoors until I am informed of what is going on around here..."

She then looked at Omaeda once again, "No one better be expecting ME to drag his ass to the 4th squad..."

* * *

Meanwhile, in one of his labs, Mayuri cackled as he examined the samples of cooking, being in his evil scientist mode.

He smiled widely and shouted, "Haha! So when I soak this poison with that of Ashisogi Jizo's, I can form a metal bullet that can fly at 100mph and infect the target with the original poison! Glorious!!!"

"Muahahahahaha! Now, to make sure that I can provide an antidote in the event that this poison is so malignant that even Ashisogi Jizo is infected! Nemu! I need to perform some tests on you! Come here!"

"Hai, Mayuri-sama."

Nemu walked forward indifferently.

"This poison can be multiplied perhaps almost exponentially when it touches water!" laughed Mayuri evilly (he likes using large words like malignant and exponentially.) (Ryo: *cough cough* Blade... Blade: Shut up.) (Ryo always makes fun of Blade for using long words. EX: Most poeple say "I am so mad! Or: I am so annoyed! This is wrong!!!! Blade, says, "Ug! I am so irritated!!! This is erroneous!!! Blade: LIAR!!! EVEN I DON'T USE ERRONEOUS! The other ones yeah....jeez.)

"You are brilliant, Mayuri-sama." stated Nemu.

"Now, drink this sample and tell me how you feel!" ordered Mayuri. (He'd diluted the sample enough to make it liquid)

"Yes, Mayuri-sama," replied Nemu in her customary robot way, accepting the sample of poison Mayuri gave her as if he was giving her lemonade. (It would actually be freakier if it was lemonade because Mayuri simply wouldn't give Nemu lemonade unless it was laced with something...)

Nemu downed it in one gulp, and blinked before handing the empty cup over.

Nothing happened.

"Well, Nemu?"

Then a silly smile spread over Nemu's face, and her eyes became glassy.

"Hic....hic...I feel great!" she chirped like a schoolgirl.

"Hmm...It seems it makes Nemu hiccup and happy," noted Mayuri, ignoring the almost fangirlish squeals from the normally expressionless Nemu. "Then again, the side effects vary from person to person."

"Hic...side effects! Hahahah.....hic?!" said Nemu, before staggering up and stumbling around.

"Gait is uneven," stated Mayuri, noting that down, "oh, and acts like that idiot Captain of Squad 8 after a few rounds of sake." (HINT)

"...hic!" hiccuped Nemu, waving her arms wildly, and that made Mayuri stumble.

"Imbecile!" he snapped, but it was too bad that the unfortunate blunder made Mayuri fall into the table, and ultimately knock over the test samples.

"Stupid girl!" he snarled but maybe if he hadn't opened his mouth, the samples he had prepared wouldn't have fallen into his mouth, and the sick liquid seeped in.

Mayuri gagged and tried to spit it out, though it had already gone down his throat. A few seonds passed, and Mayuri felt the same, no effects?

Mayuri smiled and said, "I see, so my brilliant and self-developed body is immune to this pathatic excuse for a trash! Ha! I KNEW IT! NO POISON CAN OUTDO MINE!! FOR I AM....URP???"

Mayuri sratched his head, and a green bubbled erupted from his right ear....then another from his left....

Snarling, Mayuri yelled, "What the heck is thi...GACK!" Mayuri's face suddenly became engulfed within the monstrous pile of green bubbles.

Mayuri's eyes widened, and then the world seemed to become black, white and swirly....

* * *

Ichigo yawned tiredly. Renji and Rukia had been asked to go around to make sure everything was okay, and Ichigo had been dragged along.

"It looks like it's going to be quiet tonight...I think we should sleep."

"What if we miss something that we could have prevented earlier?" pointed out Renji. "That might pass the poison even further around."

"True...." admitted Ichigo.

"Ichigo, maybe you should get some sleep. While you're at it, maybe you should ask Inoue more details too while you're at it..."

"Yeah I should...that's a good idea. In that case I'll be going-" Ichigo's eyes widened as he heard a very girly giggle.

"Teehee!"

"...huh?"

Rukia turned around and spotted the dizzy figure.

"Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou!"

The drunken figure twirled towards them.

"Teehee! M-M-Mayuri-sama!" slurred the girl. Renji's eyes widened.

"K-Kurotsuchi-fuku...."

"Hehehehehe!" she giggled, twirling drunkenly. "~Mayuri-sama~"

Renji paled. "This is nothing like Nemu."

"Do you think she's poisoned?" asked Ichigo anxiously.

"Possibly....most of the poisoned people are a little more...insane though."

"That's not insane?" asked Rukia doubtfully as Nemu mimicked a party maker before bursting into hysterical fits of laughter and hiccups.

"I mean insane as in...somewhat...more dramatic..."

"...." Renji caught the drunken girl.

"Nemu! Are you okay?"

"..... arigatoumayurisamaforcatching ..." slurred Nemu.

"Did you get that?" muttered Ichigo, distubed that Nemu could have mistook Renji for Mayuri.

"...do you think she just got dragged to a sake event?" asked Rukia anxiously.

"Matsumoto's dragged her off to some, but she never drank any..."

"just in case, we should get her to Fourth Squad..."

"Yeah wa-"

Slam!

"KEKEKEKE!" A dark figure thrust manically at the four with a sword, which Ichigo barely managed to block.

"Who are you!" Ichigo shouted, while Renji dragged the giggling Nemu to a safer distance.

"Hic....hic!"

"Be careful Renji!" warned Rukia, her hand on the hilt of her zanpakuto.

"Show your face!" commanded Ichigo warily.

"Kekeke!" the figure cackled, and screamed.

"DISSECT! I WILL DISSECT!!!"

"Oh...my god..." Ichigo gasped as the figure ran off into the night.

"We've got to warn everyone."

* * *

"Everyone!" shouted Ichigo, heading towards the Fourth Division. "Be on your guard for-"

"What's going on???" Rangiku shouted at Ichigo.

Ichigo shouted back while running, "Mayuri...something happened!!"

"What are you...?"

Rukia cut in, "Kurotsuchi taichou seems to be infected!"

"What? That's impossible! Isn't Kurotsuchi taichou invulnerable?"

"I don't..."

"THERE HE IS!!!"

Mayuri ran down the road, screaming and waving his arms in circles, each hand holding a surgery knife. Green bubbles were popping from where his ears were supposed to be and his eyes had those cartoon red spirals in them.

"DISSECTION!!!! KEKEKEKE!!!" Mayuri laughed and chased after an unfortunate shinigami, "HAHAHA!!! I SHALL DISSECT YOU!!!!"

"Oh...my...freaking...god...."

"DISSECT EVERYONE!!! GET THEIR EYEBALLS AND CUT 'EM UP!!!! MWEHEHEHEHE!"

"Restrain him!" shouted someone frantically.

"Sedate him!"

"Hehehe! Hic!" said Nemu, not really helping the situation.

"DISSECTION!!! THIS IS ALL FOR THE SAKE OF SCIENCE!"

"Kurotsuchi, restrain yourself!"

"He's getting away!"

"Don't let him go there!"

"That's the barracks!"

"AAHHH!"

Mayuri wandered, giggling like an idiot, into a hospital room. "Cut, cut, cut 'em up!!! LOULOULOULOU!!!" He saw a figure on the bed, sleeping.

"KEKEKKE!!! I WILL DISSECT YOU!!!!" Mayuri pounced on the figure. Suddenly, the figure bolted up and roared, roared so loud that the whole division shook, "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE I RIP YOUR LUNGS OUT AND FORCE THEM DOWN YOUR THROAT!!!!" Mayuri screamed and fell off the bed. The red swirls in his eyes stared at the figure, which had steam erupting from its nostrils.

"I WILL DISSECT YOU!!!!" Mayuri giggled and ran at the figure. The figure grabbed Mayuri by the throat and hurled him through the ceiling. Mayuri's head was shoved up the ceiling and the rest of his body was dangling below.

Isane, who had heard the noise, ran inside, and after seeing the scene, whimpered, "Kurotsuchi taichou..." She looked at the figure roaring and jumping up and down on the bed, the figure that was screaming, the figure that shoved Mayuri through the ceiling. Isane's face went white, "U-Unohana taichou..."

Slowly, filling Isane with ominous dread, Unohana turned.

And smiled.

"Yes, dear?" Unohana said, smiling sweetly a come-here-and-let-me-rip-you-to-pieces-smile. She even had a flowery and sparkly background, and ironically, added to the scary effect.

Isane whimpered and blacked out.

"Isane!" Renji shouted, skidding to the front where Isane had collapsed. "What happened.....oh...god...shi-"

Unohana stared back at him.

"Hello Renji-fukutaichou. Did you have a nice day today? I heard that the weather was absolutely stunning," she said, smiling the same smile.

Renji took a few slow steps back, before grabbing Isane and sprinting, before he heard an ominous bellow.

"COME BACK HERE YOU BAD BOY! YOU SHOULD RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!!!"

Renji cursed.

"Renji! What happened?! And why is Isane..."

"Run! Unohana-taichou woke up!"

"That's a good thing!"

And the door to Unohana's bedroom shattered into smithereens.

Unohana, complete with creepy smile stood atop Minazuki, her green manta ray. Unfortunately, the ray seemed to have grown lots of teeth, more than usual, and it opened its mouth and roared savagely.

"Oh..god..."

"Where's a hell butterfly when you need one!"

"RUNNN!!!"

"Bankai! Ashisogi Jizo! BWAHAHAHA! I WILL DISSECT EVERYTHING!!!"

It seemed the mad scientist had recovered from being shoved up the ceiling. Green bubbles were pouring like crazy from his ears now, and he stood with his odd caterpillar/baby head/ bankai facing off the wild Unohana now with flames in her eyes. Big flames.

"..." Rukia stared. Apparently, the fourth divisions' ceilings were made of very sturdy material, and Mayuri seemed to only be able to reach an arm's length away from his body to avoid cutting his neck, in order to bash the surroudning ceiling to free himself. So, Mayuri had a 1 foot diameter ceiling ring around his neck...like a fat collar.

The bankai spewed poisonous fumes, and Ichigo's eyes widened.

"The people in here who haven't recovered..."

"The hospital is going to be destroyed..."

"Mayuri's bankai is released in the Fourth Division...."

"Unohana's on a rampage...."

"Her zanpakuto grew 10 feet teeth..."

"Kurotsuchi has ceiling around his neck"

"...His hat is curled into a poop shape"

"......" everyone looked at each other helplessly.

"Shit."

* * *

Soifon sighed and walked to the door, it was about time she got ready to go out. As a captain, she couldn't just stay inside while chaos was blowing everything up...literally, although she really wanted to.

Soifon walked out the door and the first thing she saw was a face off between a large baby catipillar and a giant manta-ray. Then, she heard, "GETSUGA TENSHOU!!!" and the caterpillar went flying across the Seireitei. With that gone, the manta-ray turned to Soifon, and upon its head sat Unohana, who smiled and said, "Oh, Soifon dear! It's such a beautiful day..."

Flames and poison erupted in the background, and was added to the screams and cries of shinigami.

"Would you care for an evening stroll with me? The weather is absolutely beautiful!!"

Soifon raised and eyebrow...backed off...and closed the door.

Hence the hole in the wall.

* * *

Preview:

Byakuya shunpo-ed into the meeting room, and was about to draw his zanpkauto to end this, but the scene made him hesitate...really.

There were a few things wrong with what he was informed.

- He was told Unohana had gone berserk

- It was his job to stop her

But, what he saw was:

- Minazuki was pink

- Unohana was cheering to herself

- Ichigo and Rukia were shouting inside of Minazuki, throwing punches from inside, making Unohana bounce up and down on Minazuki's back

- As she bounced, Unohana hummed, "My, it's rather shakey today!!"

- Minazuki was chewing on the head captain's head

-The rest of Yamamoto was sticking out of Minazuki's mouth

- And Yamamoto was blindly whacking Minazuki's eye with his wooden cane/Ryuujin Jakka while trying to pull his head out

* * *

**Author's note: Hiya ppl! Long chappy this time! Sry for not updating DX Hope you enjoyed and please review!**


	9. ChewToyYama

Cuisine of Death

Chapter 9: Chew-Toy-Yama

Author's Note: Oh gosh it's been a long time…. Hope you guys didn't lose interest in this XD

"Emergency! Everyone to battle!!" Soul Reapers from all divisions were running back and forth, screaming and shouting in utter chaos.

"Whoa whoa whoa!!" Renji shouted and grabbed the nearest soul reaper. "What's going on here?"

"Everything! That's what!" The soul reaper stuttered, "Kurotsuchi taichou and his bankai were sent flying into the northern barracks!!"

Renji frowned, "What? How? And…" Renji's face paled, "Uh, this doesn't happen to be linked to Unohana taichou…  
The shinigami nodded furiously and ran off.

Renji moaned, "Ah, I shouldn't have left Unohana taichou by herself in the 4th division… Great! Now she's all happy-joy-happy with her zanpkauto eating everything! Ug…I better find them and report this to the head captain…"

Renji unsheathed Zabimaru and ran off into the purple burning buildings….thanks to Mayuri.

Meanwhile…

"Hiiiya!!!" Ichigo leapt into the air and with full force, swung his sword at Minazuki, who merely opened its mouth and spewed saliva at him with a bull's-eye.

Rukia slapped her forehead.

"Ah crud!" Ichigo spat and tried to brush off the spit.

Unohana smiled cheeringly, "Now, now Kurosaki, I'd love to feed your chickens, but I must report to the head captain! After all, we can't have Kurotsuchi taichou running amok! He's gone a bit…off today…"

"…"

"…Chickens?" Rukia raised an eyebrow and glanced at Ichigo.

Unohana smiled pleasantly and waved her arm, "Now please children, move aside, I know how much you want to use the bathroom, but I must go cook up tofu."

Rukia twitched, "Uh…okay…"

Ichigo frowned, "Sorry Unohana-san, we need to take you back to the 4th division…" Ichigo turned his head toward it, "Or…what's left of it…. Anyway, you're REALLY poisoned by that food toxin, and we need you to rest…."

Rukia cut in, "Please, Unohana-taichou!"

Unohana laughed gently and looked at them, "You know what, you're right, I should've boiled the boogers some more…"

"Okay, that's it!" Ichigo pointed Zangetsu at Unohana, "Sorry, if you won't come, we gotta take you there anyways."

Rukia moaned, "This can't be good."

"Shut up! Having Mayuri running around trying to dissect people is bad enough! We don't need Unohana-san eating people!" Ichigo snapped.

"Eating people?" Unohana frowned, " I would never!"

Rukia rolled her eyes, "Yeah Ichigo, we ALMOST had Kurotsuchi taichou, but no…you HAD to send him flying to the northern barracks!"

"Hey!" Ichigo growled, "He was about to choke us to death with that poison!"

"Children…" Unohana commented.

Obviously, they ignored her…

"Well, if you fight Unohana-taichou right now, we'll either get screwed, or she'll end up flying into the other side of the districts! Both, in either case, are not good at all!" Rukia said impatiently at Ichigo.

Ichigo narrowed his eyes, "IT doesn't matter how you get them, as long as you get them its good!"

"What kind of reasoning is that?"

"Logical reasoning, that's what it is!!"

"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Unohana roared so loudly that Ichigo and Rukia were sent crashing into a wall.

"Holy crap!" Ichigo stuttered.

"MOVEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"

'Oh dear…" Rukia flinched.

"I MUST REPORT A HOMICIDAL FREAK TO THE HEAD CAPTAIN!!!!" Unohana screeched.

"Um, you mean yourself?"

"Shut up Ichigo! You're not helping!"

Ichigo rolled his eyes, "Whatever, no more games. Time to take Unohana back. BANKAI!!"

Ichigo swung his pitch-black blade and charged head on toward Unohana.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" Ichigo roared.

Unohana smiled, "Now, be jolly!"

Rukia sweatdropped, "Ichigo! Be careful! …WAIT!!! Don't charge head on you idiot!!!"

"GETUSGA….TENSHOU!!!! EEEEEKKK!" Ichigo was in the middle of his attack, when a large mouth greeted him.

In two seconds flat, Minazuki was burping and Ichigo voice came shouting from its stomach.

Unohana inched his head toward Rukia, who was twitching, "Now Kuchiki-san, would you like some pasta?"

"Dance! Sode no Shirayuki! Tsugi no mai, Tsukishiro!" Rukia swung her white blade and sent a wave of snow crashing into Minazuki's face.

"Oh yes! The perfect weather for Popsicles!"

Rukia flinched as the large shadow approached her, "You have got to be…."

A while later…

Yamamoto flash stepped quickly toward the intensifying spiritual pressures that lurked in the Head Captain quarters.

He burst through the door and told himself he was ready for…

His eyes widened

"…"

Unohana smiled sweetly, "Oh! Yama-chan! How nice of you to drop by!"

Yamamoto raised an eyebrow. He looked around the half destroyed room and saw Unohana sitting upon a bright pink Minazuki.

"Hm…" Yamamoto walked slowly toward Unohana.

He sensed another two spiritual pressures, but he did not see anyone else in the room…unless… Yamamoto glanced at Minazuki.

"Unohana-taichou. May I ask what has happened here?"

Unohana smiled with glee, "We're planting tomatoes!"

Before Yamamoto could say anything, Minazuki hiccupped and leaped towards Yamamoto.

Now, being the skilled captain he is, Yamamoto managed to dodge the incoming mouth…at least, most of him did.

"!!!"

Byakuya flash stepped toward the bursts of spiritual pressure. It had not been long ago that he was informed of the chaos that had come flying out of the fourth division. Actually, he never had to be informed. Only an idiot wouldn't be able to see that huge explosion following the flying Mayuri and his bankai into the sky.

Byakuya shunpo-ed into the meeting room, and was about to draw his zanpkauto to end this, but the scene made him hesitate...really.

There were a few things wrong with what he was informed.

- He was told Unohana had gone berserk

- It was his job to stop her

But, what he saw was:

- Minazuki was pink

- Unohana was cheering to herself

- Ichigo and Rukia were shouting inside of Minazuki, throwing punches from inside, making Unohana bounce up and down on Minazuki's back

- As she bounced, Unohana hummed, "My, it's rather shaky today!!"

- Minazuki was chewing on the head captain's head

-The rest of Yamamoto was sticking out of Minazuki's mouth

- And Yamamoto was blindly whacking Minazuki's eye with his wooden cane/Ryuujin Jakka while trying to pull his head out

"…" Byakuya didn't really know what to say, less do.

Unohana glance toward Byakuya and smiled with a touch of "I want to kill you and throw your remain across the meadows while singing" look.

"Byakuya-taichou! Oh what a great day! So many people to assist me in the capturing of Mayuri!" Unohana shook her head, "We really need to capture Mayuroo, we can not have a crazy monster destroying everything in sight. And oh heavens, Ashisogi Jizo, what if he devours everything too?"

Byakuya took a breath and tried to keep his cool.

"Captain Unohana, we have a serious issue here, and I am hoping that you will listen carefully," he started.

Unohana smiled with wide eyes and nodded.

Byakuya sighed and continued, " You must realize that you are infected with the food poisoning, and…" Byakuya glance toward Minazuki, "Obviously, your zanpakuto is as well."

"Nii-sama?"

"Byakuya! Thanks god you're here!"

"Captain Kuchiki? I require your assistance…" Yamamoto bopped Minazuki on the head again.

"Having containing…the head captain and Rukia in Minazuki, might be harmful to them…" Byakuya stated, ignoring Ichigo shouts of "HEY! WHAT ABOUT ME??"  
Unohana nodded and squealed, "WHHHEEEE!!!!"

Byakuya frowned, " Head Captain, Rukia, Kurosaki, cover your mouths, you don't want to be infected by…."

"KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEK!!!!!"

"Ichigo? Was that you?"

"No! It was my inner…KEKEKEKEKEKE!!!"

"What is going on here?"

"Wha? Who was that"

"I dunno, Ruki…KEKEKEKE….ah shoot, Rukia, light this place up so we can see!"

"okay…AH!!! A SEVERED HEAD!!!"

"AH!!! THE OLD MAN'S HEAD!!"

"Be quite children! I am trying to release us from Unohana's zanpakuto…"

"…Uh, but your head is in here, where as the rest of you is out…there."

"Be quiet Ichigo!"

"KEKEKEKEKKEKEKEK!!!"

"Ah! Ichigo!"

"I'm sorry! I can't hold it back!"

"Ichigo! Don't! You're gonna crash into the kido!!!"

"The poison is releasing my hollow…KEKEKEK!!!!"

"Ichigo! No! Don't you…WATCH IT!!!"

Minazuki let out a large blob of saliva that hit Yamamoto's head, "This is inappropriate!"

So, the poison was making Ichigo's inner hollow go nuts, while Rukia was trying to keep the kido light from touching/burning Yamamoto and Ichigo (since Minazuki's stomach was quite contracted, so there wasn't a lot of space). And, Yamamoto was struggling to pull his head out.

But, from the outside, this is what Byakuya heard, and it sounded quite perverted to him…

"KEKEKEKEKEKE!!!!!"

"Ichigo! Don't touch!"

"I'm sorry! I can't help it!"

Yamamoto after getting spit on: "This is inappropriate!"

"Get away!"

"KEKEKEKEKE!!!! Sorry Rukia! I can't hold back!"  
"Ichigo! Stay back! I'm warning you!"

"KEKEKE!!! I'll do whatever I want, girl!!! KEKEKE!!!"

"Ichigo don't!!!"

Byakuya felt his face rush red.

He narrowed his eyes and grabbed his sword, "Kurosaki Ichigo, how dare you! With the honor of the Kuchiki clan!"

Byakuya flash stepped in front of Minazuki and was about to probe the mouth open, when he realized that that particular action was not very…calm and cool.

Byakuya took a step back and chanted, "Hado no san jyu san, soukatsui!"

A light blue flame went bursting into Minazuki's face…

Minazuki shrieked and closed its eye, trying to avoid the heat.

Unohana smiled and cheered, "Oh yams! Sleepy time!" Joining her zanpakuto, Unohana laid down on Minazuki's back and snored.

The extreme irritation Byakuya felt was an anger he never encountered ever since the Shinigami's Women's Association infiltrated his house and threw a party in his room.

"Humph, at least they'll be out of the way."

Byakuya walked over and took a quick look at the situation: Ichigo and Rukia were eaten and Yamamoto was partially eaten…

Byakuya flinched: And, Ichigo was harassing Rukia…

You know what they say, drastic times call for drastic measures… "Bankai…Senbonzakura Kageyoshi…"

"KEKEKEKEK!!!! Arg! The stupid hollow keeps popping…KEKEKE I'M FREE!! No you're not…KEKEKE YES I AM!!!"

"Ichigo!"

"HEHEHEHEHE!!!"

"Ichigo! Stop touching (the kido light)!"

"But I like it! And why did you call me Hollow Ichigo?"

Byakuya felt his face turn red again, "Kurosaki Ichigo, how dare you lay your hands on a Kuchiki!" (He is misunderstanding)

"Captain Kuchiki, we need to…"

Byakuya nodded, although not sure if he could take anyone seriously right now.

"Senkei, Senbonzakura Kageyoshi!"

Byakuya was about to flashstep in front of Minazuki, when its mouth suddenly opened and it tongue came whirling out, snatching Byakuya by his leg.

Byakuya summoned on of his senkei swords and stabbed Minazuki's mouth shut just as he was about to be dragged inside.

Minazuki shrieked and flung its head back, causing Byakuya's leg to slip into its mouth.

Just as the rest of him was about to be engulfed, Byakuya grabbed five more swords and nailed the remainder of Minazuki's mouth shut.

"…Whose leg is that?"

"…nii-sama? Damn, I can't see anything, THANK YOU Ichigo, for kicking the kido light into these stomach…fluids…ugg…"

"…Captain Kuchiki, I advise you to…"

Byakuya frowned slightly. Sure, Ichigo and Rukia were in a giant ray's stomach, his own leg was in the mouth, the head captain's …head was also stuck in the mouth, and he had bolted the mouth so it could not open…

But hey, nothing a little kido couldn't fix…

Byakuya tried to turn to face Minazuki, but at the angle in which he was caught, it was not possible.

Well, Byakuya ran out of ideas, and as much as it was embarrassing to do so, he had no other choice. He raised his arm and pointed at the ceiling, "Hado number 4, Byakurai…"

A white jet of lightning ran right through the ceiling and burst into the sky.

That should get someone's attention, he thought, and it did

Almost instantly, another captain who happened to be nearby came running into the room.

Byakuya took a breath, "Captain, we would appreciate it if you could…"

Ichigo shouted, "Whose out there??? Actually, I don't care! Get us OUT!!!"

"Ichigo! Don't be rude…"

Byakuya was tempted to lose his cool, after all, a noble man having his leg stuck in a mouth was humiliating enough…especially in front of a rather unimpressed captain.

But, Captain Soifon had a blank expression on her face, "Hm…I suppose it'll be fine if I just get you all out, but…" She looked up.

Normally, she'd probably make some smart remark over this kind of situation, but she really was not in the mood.

Apparently, Captain Unohana had waken up, and was singing…very loudly.

Soifon took a step closer to the 4 shinigami stuck in Minazuki, and Unoahna turned to her and growled.

Soifon took a step back and twitched.

Each time she attempted to get closer, Unohana would snarl and foam at her.

"Yeah…soifon? Can you please hurry up? My hollow is…KEKEKEKEKEK…meh.."

Soifon concluded that it would be impossible for her to get them out by herself.

"Bakudo 4, Hainawa!"

A yellow rope formed around her arm and she snapped it around minazuki along with Unoahna.

Byakuya raised an eyebrow, "Captain Soifon, may I ask what you are…"

Soifon shrugged, "Just to make sure Unohana and her zanpkauto can't get anyone else. Well…I'll come back with some other captains after we finish up restraining Kurotsuchi. Besides, the easiest way for you to get out was to fight, but considering Unohana's power and state, it'll be rather difficult to fight without causing severe damage."

Ichigo and Rukia hollered, "Wait! You can't just leave…"

Soifon continued to walk and called back, "Please be patient, Head Captain, Kuchiki, Kurosaki…"

Soifon then walked off, ignoring the protests coming from both captains and subordinate.

"Hic hic hic hic hic hic…. BURP!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Yamamoto, having his head stuck inside, was hit with it point blank, making his body twitch at the disgusting odor and smacking Byakuya across the face with his staff.

"…Rukia?"

"Yes?"

"It burped…"

"I know…"

"The fluids are bubbling…"

"I know."

"Rukia?"

"What now?"

"…I need to use the bathroom."

"Oh shut up…"

**Author's Note: LOL hoped you enjoyed and please review!**


	10. One Big Happy Family

Cuisine of Death

Chapter 10

Blade: Hello people! Ryokablade is back again! However, we have been swamped over with lots of work, and may not be able to update for a short awhile... *looks at Ryo who is huddled in a corner being depressed.

Blade: Are you okay?

Ryo: Fever...

Blade: ….scratch that, we won't be able to update for a long period of time...whatever, enjoy the chapter and send Ryo some get better soon wishes or whatever.

Ryo: meh...*coughs lungs out

* * *

Byakuya stared with furious hatred at the mouth that was curled up his leg. It did not help that he was forced to listen to conversations that sounded rather...inappropriate to him and could do little about it.

"RUKIA! KEKEKE!"

"Stop it, Ichigo! Control yourself!" protested Rukia. Byakuya flinched a bit as he felt stomach fluids bubble around his foot and felt something being shoved.

"Ow!" Head Captain Yamamoto whacked Byakuya hard in the hip with his cane, and Byukya twitched some more.

"Head Captain, please refrain from hitting me with your cane-zanpakto."

The Head Captain wasn't listening, and was frantically kicking his legs while attempting to keep his head above stomach fluid level.

It didn't help either that the kido rope that Soifon had used had also bound his stomach so that his head was flat against the blinding hot pink skin of Minazuki.

The poison seemed to causing more side effects, especially when Byakuya heard Unohana singing rather loudly.

"I LOVE YOU! YOU LOVE ME! WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY, WITH A GREAT BIG HUG AND A KISS FROM ME TO YOUUU!" she leaned forward and attempted to give a big smooch to Byakuya. Byakuya paled miserably and managed to move away just in time.

"The heck? Is that Barney?" asked Ichigo from inside Minazuki.

"WON'T YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME TOOO!" Unohana attempted to kiss Byakuya again but fortunately missed. Byakuya was not happy whatsoever, and looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here, which was understandable.

"NII-SAMA! Are you all right?" called Rukia from inside.

"Kekeke! Gimme a big-" cackled Hollow Ichigo.

"...get away from me, freak!"

"Ack, I can't help it! Sorry Rukia!"

"I am fine," said Byakuya in a tight voice as calmly as he could. Dodging another kiss, he swore to himself that if Soifon didn't get here soon with reinforcements, he was going to stuff Soifon inside Minazuki. He'd let Ichigo rot in there for awhile too. In the meantime, he avoided another kiss from Unohana as she decided to sing endlessly.

* * *

Meanwhile, Renji was now placing Isane and Nemu in the 6th division barracks away from the chaos. It didn't really help that he heard lots of screams from outside and itched to be out there fighting- well, he didn't really know if there was fighting at the moment, but he wanted to at least be part of the action. He still had to report to the Head Captain, but the Head Captain was not to be found. Saskibe was quite anxious, but Renji had more important matters than to deal with him. Saskibe didn't help that he loaded Renji with teabags either. For the Head Captain, he said. Renji scoffed at the memory.

Suddenly the left side of the wall blew up, and suddenly, something wafted into the room. Renji automatically drew Zabimaru, but then stopped.

"What the...I smell...perfume?" he watched as a few flower petals blew in from the...giant, swollen, baby headed caterpillar storming in by force.

Renji's eye twitched as he picked up the still unconscious Isane and giggling Nemu. It didn't help that Isane was much taller than him and didn't really fit slung on one shoulder, or that Nemu on his other shoulder on the side wher he was gripping his sword was repeatedly bopping him lightly on the head and uttering nonsense.

"Mayuri-sama!" she chirped, pointing at him.

"No way, I am not that homicidal freak..." he hissed.

Speak of the devil.

Renji swore as Mayuri...cartwheeled into the room, still with a block of ceiling around his neck.

"Mwahahaha! DISSECTION!"

"Roar, Zabimaru!"

Zabimaru lashed out at Mayuri, but Mayuri had somehow...gained some very...interesting gymnastic moves and did a few...backflips away from Renji.

"DISSECT DISSECT DISSECT!" Mayuri flashed a...chainsaw and screamed maniacally. Renji wasn't sure how Mayuri had performed a couple backflips with that, but he was momentarily distracted by Nemu.

"Hic! Bunny!" Nemu pointed happily at Mayuri like a little child.

"Yeah, I wish it was," hissed Renji under his breath.

"Ugh...Uno...hana...taichou..."

"Isane, are you awake?"

"Y-yeah...what's happening? I...smell perfume..."

"Whatever, carry Nemu for me, she's all drunk. I think she's somewhat poisoned, not really sure though," muttered Renji, letting Isane get off and dumping Nemu onto her. Isane slightly stumbled from catching Nemu, and flinched when Nemu pointed at her and chirped, "Fish Paste!"

"F-f-fish paste..." Isane blanched and tottered a bit, swaying.

"N-No! Isane, don't pass out on..." Isane swooned and blacked out once again and collapsed, bringing Nemu with her to the floor. Renji twitched.

"Damn it." Renji faced off the dissection crazy captain with his perfume spewing caterpillar and swore that whoever made the poison was going to regret it. Renji paled as Ashisogi Jizo spewed perfume scented bullets. He just barely flashed stepped away as the bullets slammed into the wall. He blanched as the edges of the hole turned a neon green and smoke seeped from the holes. The holes widened and seemed to be burning away, as if someone had poured acid on it.

"This is just great," hissed Renji under his breath as he circled warily around the mad scientist and caterpillar. "this is just my day, isn't it?"

* * *

Toshirou was resting quietly by Momo's side. He'd been sleeping, hoping that maybe he'd grow at least one or two centimeters. Miraculously he had slept up until now, when he awoke to a loud, "I LOVE YOU!" Toshirou flinched, jerking awake and looking around.

"Matsumoto?" he asked, confused. She wasn't there though, and Hitsugaya figured she'd probably hidden somewhere to drink sake. He glanced down concernedly at Momo, who was still unconscious.

He saw Momo's leg still twitching, and a bit of foam by her mouth.

"Momo! Are you all right!" he called anxiously. No response, though he wasn't exactly expecting one from his childhood friend since she wasn't awake.

"C-Captain Hitsugaya!" A few shinigami ran into the room.

"What is it?" asked Hitsugaya anxiously.

"We're in need of assistance! On the third level!"

"I can't just leave her!" protested Hitsugaya, gesturing to Momo wildly.

"Uh...captain, she will be in more danger if we cannot restrain Captain Kurotsuchi and Unohana."

"Wait, what happened?" Hitsugaya shook his head. Why did things happen when he tried to sleep? Whatever. He cleared his head and nodded to the shinigami for more information.

"It would be best if we dealt with Unohana...because she has...hostages."

"Who?"

"Head Captain, two Kuchikis, and a substitute shinigami."

"...what the heck?" Toshirou shook his head. Momo would have to wait.

* * *

Renji dodged a bullet, and blocked a few more from the perfume bullet spraying Ashisogi Jizo.

"PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR INTESTINES DISSECTED, LIEUTENANT!"

"SHUT UP, YOU LUNATIC!" spat Renji. He had to get Isane and Nemu to a safe place. Safe meaning not here.

"Oi, what the heck are you doing? Having fun without me, huh?"

Renji dodged another bullet. "Wait, what? Yumichika? I thought you were locked in your room moaning about your looks."

"Shut up, Abarai, I'm not some petty girl who moans over everything while there's some fun to be had." Yumichika jumped through one of the holes Mayuri made, a brown bag that spelled MOMMY'S FISH AND CHIPS upside down over his head.

"...where did you get that bag?"

"Shut up. I didn't have anything else."

"Be careful. How much can you even see?"

"...not much."

"Fine. Take Isane and Nemu!"

"And let you have the fun? Pft, not likely." Renji blocked more bullets. "How about we split him? Or better yet, you take Isane and Nemu and go?"

"And leave you here with a Mommy's Fish and Chips bag over your head? As if."

"Then I guess we split him. I'll take Mayuri."

"And I'll take the caterpillar."

"Done," they said simultaneously.

Mayuri screamed some more, and Ashisogi Jizo spat perfume and daisies out along with bullets.

"Let's get this party started," said Renji with a smirk, as he and Yumichika both leaped at their respective targets.

* * *

Orihime hummed, as she poured batter into a large pot full of her cooking.

"It sounds like there's a party going on outside!" the clueless girl remarked to herself. "Maybe I should bring some food..." she was momentarily distracted by a hapless shinigami flying across the window in front of her. She stared for a minute, then rubbed her eyes.

"Well, maybe they're too full of sake to eat now..." she murmured to herself. "They can get rather drunk, and it's the middle of the night now...oh well! More for me!"

She completed her cooking and sat down to eat it happily, blissfully unaware of the chaos occurring outside.

* * *

Soifon and a small party of not yet infected Stealth Force members warily encircled the pink manta ray.

"Be on your guard, and don't get too close," warned Soifon, taking out Suzumebachi. She flinched as Byakuya evaded another kiss, and was hit in the back by Yamamoto's cane. Even she felt a twinge of sympathy for his plight.

You had to feel pretty bad for him.

Rukia was frantically swatting Ichigo away from the kido light she was attempting to form.

"ICHIGO! Quit touching it!"

"Kekeke! Why should I, girl!"

"Don't do that, children!" shouted Yamamoto. Inside, Rukia had attempted to make another kido light.

"..." No one had any comment. Soifon eye brow twitched.

"Meh...I still need to use the bathroom..." everyone heard Ichigo complaining.

"Ichigo. Shut. Up. Now."

Sweat drops were present throughout the room.

Byakuya flinched and ducked as Unohana continued singing loudly. "Kurosaki Ichigo,there are people listening."

"Really? Who? Get us out of here, now!"

"Ichigo! Stop being so rude!"

"Kekekeke!"

"Children, stop moving! I am getting stomach fluids in my face!"

"..." This was extremely humiliating for Byakuya.

Suddenly, the door burst open and Toshiro came in. "What the heck is going on?" he flinched. He had prepared a vague idea in his mind on what to expect, but this didn't match up at all to what he had had in mind.

"Ah, perfect timing." Soifon glanced at him, an idea forming in her mind.

"Who is it?"

"Captain Hitsugaya."

"Kekeke! The little midget? PERFECT!"

"SHUT UP!" spat Toshiro, infuriated. "And it's Captain Hitsugaya!

"Ichigo, stop insulting everyone! And stop touching the kido light!"

"Sorry! I can't control myself! Get us out of here!"

"Kuchiki Rukia, are you in there?" barked Soifon, intending to put an end to the long night.

"Kekeke! Of course, stupid captain, she's in here!"

"Ichigo. Shut UP. Yes, Soifon-taichou, I can hear you. I apologize on behalf of Ichigo. He's not feeling very...well."

"Whatever. Kuchiki Rukia, when I say now, I want you to perform a Hadou spell. Got that?"

"Yes, Soifon-taichou."

"Good." Soifon shrugged, and turned to Toshiro. "Can you come over here?"

Toshiro nodded, and walked over.

"Are you prepared to risk your life for your Head Captain without hesitation?"

Toshiro didn't bat an eye. "Yes."

"Good. Then I won't bother saying sorry."

Instantly, Soifon gripped Toshiro by his collar. "Unohana-taichou!" she barked.

Unohana stopped trying to kiss Byakuya. "Oh yes, sweetie pie?" she cooed with a I-want-to-rip-your-guts-out look.

Soifon twitched internally, but didn't show it. "I have a present for you."

"Wait, what the heck are you doing!" asked Toshiro, having an ominous feeling overwhelm him.

"If you need someone to kiss, kiss him," shrugged Soifon blandly, as if she wasn't condemning Toshiro to his death.

"Ooh! Yes! After all, we're one big happy family! Come give me a big hug!" squealed Unohana brightly, spreading her arms wide, but not before blowing a kiss to him.

Toshiro paled, whiter than his hair.

"Wait, n-"

"You said you'd sacrifice your life," shrugged Soifon. "Better you than me."

And she hurled Toshiro at Unohana. "KUCHIKI, NOW!"

"Ooh! Ice cream! The perfect treat!" beamed Unohana.

Toshiro's eyes widened as he was mercilessly swung towards her. "!"

Byakuya watched, rather relieved as Toshiro flew into the widespread hands of Unohana. Yes. Better Captain Hitsugaya than him. It didn't help that now Ichigo was throwing punches from inside Minazuki and making Unohana bounce up and down with the manta ray, making him also bounce rather helplessly next to it while getting smacked by Yamamoto's cane. He'd endure it for now. At least it was Hitsugaya who was going to get kissed and not him.

Yes, better him than me, repeated Byakuya mentally, as Unohana caught Toshiro and proceeded to give him a giant hug.

* * *

A/N: Hahaha! Shiro-chan got sacrificed by Soifon! Hope you enjoyed, and hope you'll give us some feedback!


	11. Chaos and Circumstance

Chapter 11: Chaos and Circumstance

Toshiro was dreaming. Yes, he was dreaming. That's all. It was just a nightmare.

Toshiro screamed as he felt Unohana plant a kiss on his forehead and crush him in a bear hug. Maybe it was a manly scream, maybe it was a girly scream, hell, maybe it was a kid scream. Either way he was screaming, or rather attempting too before he was practically strangled. Unohana fondly ruffled his hair and tousled it.

"Good children should take naps!" chirped Unohana. "Be a good boy! And maybe you'll grow taller!"  
In normal circumstances, Toshiro would have held his temper in check and told Unohana that he was a captain and could take care of himself. Then again, in normal circumstances, Unohana would not have said that at all. However, these thoughts only came in hindsight as Toshiro flailed blindly in the present. Unohana was bouncing up and down merrily as if Minazuki was a trampoline, and he felt ridiculously giddy. And like he was going to vomit.

"Hadou number 9: Horin!" Toshiro dimly heard Rukia's voice break through his terror. He felt reiatsu wrap jaggedly around him, and in terror he recognized the spell as it wrapped around everyone in the large pile. He distantly heard Unohana say "Seat belts are good!" as she was bound to Minazuki and stopped bouncing, a cackle from Ichigo, and an unsophisticated grunt from Byakuya.

"Shunko!" Toshiro's eyes widened even more in horror, if that were even possible. He wanted to scream again, but his voice was snatched away by the sudden blast and increase in Soi Fon's reiatsu.  
"Idiot! You'll destroy us all!" he managed to call, but his voice was only heard by Unohana.  
"Jelly beans will save us!" called Unohana  
"What?"  
Soi Fon dove forward, leaping in for the kill.  
"Ole!" Minazuki and company swerved to the right, and Soi Fon blasted yet another hole in the wall.  
"Kekeke! Stupid girl, you didn't chain them to the floor?!"  
"Shut up! The kido spell doesn't do that!" Toshiro managed to angle his head where he saw the insane picture of one of the Head Captain's legs smacking Byakuya right in the chin. Byakuya only grunted again, but his expression clearly said _What-the-hell-is-that-woman-trying-to-do?_  
Toshiro didn't know if his expression referred to Soi Fon or Unohana.  
"S-Soifon!" he managed to call as Unohana rambled briefly about how Soifon looked like a minotaur, "You might hurt all of us! Besides, you already used Hainwa, why did you tell Kuchiki to use a second spell?!"  
"My orders are to subdue the Fourth Squad's Captain. All of you are merely bystanders who happened to get in the way. And do you really think these spells would subdue Unohana effectively at all? Two is better than one."  
"What the hell!" Toshiro dimly heard Ichigo's voice. And then Soifon cut off any conversation that might have happened thereafter by surging forward once again.  
"Ole!" And another wall collapsed.  
"What is going on!?" yelled Head Captain Yamamoto. No one deigned to answer.  
If Unohana had not been tied up, Toshiro genuinely felt that she would have taken off her Captain Cloak and used it like a matador. As it was she settled for laughing merrily and crushing him further in a painful hug.  
"Now, now, Soifon, if you don't behave like the cute girl you are, I'll have to punish you! And this sweet little vanilla ice cream here."  
"Who's ice cream? Kekeke!"  
"Ichigo, you are _not_ helping!"  
"This is unacceptable behavior!"  
"...Head Captain, please refrain from kicking me. Again. Because it is not helping matters...Kurosaki, keep your filthy hands off my sister."  
"Who's talking, because- Kekeke! - I can't hear inside this stupid whale!"  
"It's a ray, not a whale! Onii-san, please don't misunderstand!"  
"Same thing! They're both sea creatures! Kekeke! And goddammit, we're in the belly of the beast!"  
"Aiya. Dear children, don't fight about such trivial things!" replied Unohanaa, looking genuinely concerned, although Toshiro would later swear that she had a certain homicidal gleam in her eyes.

Soifon readied herself. She shunpoed in front of Minazuki for an instant, then immediately behind. She concentrated all her power into one kick. Unohana, hot pink bat ray, and company skidded across the ground. Devastation was all that remained.  
"ROAARRR!" Unohana swung herself and Minazuki upright, and Soifon heard the screams of Ichigo and Rukia inside.  
_Maybe I should make the ray vomit them up._ Now there was an idea. However, she had forgotten that Byakuya had brilliantly nailed Minazuki's mouth shut.  
_Maybe poop them out? Would that work? Then again, they would have to be digested first. Wait, forget it, why am I pondering the internal workings of a zanpakto ray that's been poisoned?_  
Whatever, brute force would have to do.  
"If you have any other "brilliant" ideas, now is a great time to use them!" shrieked Toshiro, squirming uncomfortably.  
"Tch." Soi Fon unleashed a fury of hits, raining them down on Head Captain, Minazuki, Byakuya, Toshiro, and Unohana. While she did that, she once again concentrated reiatsu for a large hit once again. She ignored the yells of pain from the poor unfortunate souls caught up in her reign of terror.  
And then Soi Fon struck from above, allowing gravity, reiatsu, and impact to do its job.  
The whole company plummeted into the floor with a sickening crack. Soi Fon glanced down at her handiwork where everyone was still chained together.  
_Is she out cold?_ Soi Fon eyed the pile suspiciously. Suddenly Unohana's head rose from where it lay and glared. Soi Fon was frozen stiff in both fear and shock.  
Unohana glared angrily at her, baring her teeth in a vicious, wolfish snarl. Soi Fon took an unconscious step backward.  
_Shit, what am I going to do-_  
"Ole."  
And then Unohana passed out cold.  
Soi Fon blinked, before cautiously stopping her Shunko. She took a step towards the heap, but then suddenly there was a brief rumble as vibrations shook the ground. Soi Fon's eyes widened.  
"Shit."  
And the remainder of the building collapsed on them.

* * *

Renji deflected a perfume scented bullet from the caterpillar.  
"Shit, the whole place is going to come down soon!"  
"I think it already did!" hollered back Yumichika, who was faring quite well despite the fish and chips bag over his head.  
"DISSECT DISSECT DISSECT! KESESE! EXTRACT INTESTINES!" Mayuri executed a stunning handspring that would have put any Olympians to shame. After all, he did do it with a chainsaw. As well as ceiling around his neck.  
"What the hell made this guy so lively!" yelled Yumichika, swearing as he attempted to score a hit on the insane mad scientist. Well, the more insane than usual mad scientist.  
"Who knows?! You'd think that no poison would affect this guy!" Renji snapped as he managed to score a hit on the raging caterpillar, but barely hurt it. More perfume bullets spat out, and Renji was briefly overcome by the smell of many fruits and flowers. Then the stench of acid eating away at the walls as the bullets made impact.  
"Gah! I hate this guy!"  
"You're not the only one!" Renji managed to swerve, but then Ashisogi Jizo whipped past him. "What?" Renji heard Yumichika swear before he realized what was happening.  
"Shit, it's heading for Isane and Nemu!"  
Renji swore himself and flashstepped to block the attack. He grunted as the caterpillar slammed into him and he skidded back.  
"Yumichika!"  
"I'm on it!" Yumichika slashed viciously at Mayuri, and scored a hit. Mayuri howled with anger and backflipped a few feet away.  
"You didn't injure him enough!"  
"Shut up!" Ashisogi Jizo swung and shot perfume bullets at Yumichika, although Yumichika shunpoed away again.  
_Dammit, we need to get out of here with the two girls...but how?_ Renji looked up to the sky in desperation.  
"Hehe...hic!" Renji turned around. Nemu was slowly attempting to stagger up, and her cheeks were red. She giggled drunkenly and pointed at Yumichika.  
"Haha...fish!" she smiled, hiccuped, and passed out once again, slumping on the floor. A bizarre idea wormed its way into Renji's mind. Was the stench of the perfume getting to him? Maybe he was getting poisoned as well.  
"Yumichika! Get over here! I've got a plan!"  
"It'd better be good!" Yumichika shunpoed over.  
"Okay, get ready!"  
"I always am!" Yumichika faced the caterpillar, preparing for its attack. The caterpillar reared its ugly head and charged directly at Yumichika.  
_Three...two...one...NOW!_  
Renji pulled off the Mommy's Fish and Chips bag off Yumichika's head. Already, Yumichika was about to whirl around to undoubtedly scream obscenities at him, but Renji's free hand that wasn't holding his zanpakto clamped on Yumichika's shoulder and forced him to look ahead.  
Ashisogi Jizo skidded to a stop. It let out a terrible scream that rattled the walls and ceilings. And keeled over with giant crash on the floor on its side.  
Renji quickly pulled the bag back over Yumichika's head.  
"...you must look like Medusa or something. Did your face get worse?" commented Renji.  
"Shut the hell up! How could you do that to me! My ugliness has been SEEN!" Yumichika fumed indigantly.  
"Take your anger out on Captain Kurotsuchi!" Renji indicated the acrobatic Captain, raising his sword to attack the insane clown.  
Yumichika growled, but shifted his attention to the madman. "Damn you, Abarai, I won't forget this! We'll settle this later!"  
"Good to hear," grunted Renji, and they shunpoed together instantly to take down the captain.

* * *

"Hisagi, how is your squad doing?"  
"We seem to be mostly all right...Iba, what's going on? I'm feeling wave after wave of reiatsu from at least two different locations all belonging to different captains, I don't even know who to help first!"  
"Same. Komamura-taichou has been working very dilligently to aid everyone. I hope he's all right."  
"I hope _everyone's _all right." Iba nodded in response to Hisagi.  
"However, I'm getting worried...I thinkI was imagining it, but a few minutes ago, I thought I felt my captain's reiatsu fluctuate."  
Hisagi glanced sharply at Iba. "Shouldn't we go check it out? We shouldn't take chances here."  
"Yes, but he should be fine, right? I mean, he did get the notice about the poison being spread, he wouldn't just go and-"  
"ROOARRR!" A crushing wave of spiritual pressure radiated from several blocks from the north. Both Hisagi's and Iba's eyes widened.  
"Komamura-taichou!"  
They shunpoed there at top speed.  
"Komamura-taichou, are you okay?!" shouted Iba as they reached their destination. Their eyes widened.  
Amid destruction, an angry shadow loomed over them.  
"K...Komamura...taichou?" whispered Iba.  
Komamura had always towered over most men, but this was just ridiculously.  
"Komamura, how did you grow to over fifteen feet tall?!"  
Komamura's head slowly looked down. Iba backed away instinctively. Komamura's eyes were feral, and Iba could practically feel blood lust radiating from him.  
"Komamura-taichou, you didn't eat anything...weird, did you?"  
"ROAAARRR!" Hisagi dragged Iba away just in time as Komamura's sword, which had also elongated in length, smashed into the ground where the two lieutenants had been standing earlier.  
"BAN KAI!"


End file.

Bleach, Humor