Resident Evil 1. Laundry Night with Isaacs and Slater

Hi out there! I'm TheDayYouSaidGoodnight and this is my first Resident Evil fanfiction. Please forgive me if I have some plot problems and inconsistencies with the movies. I always try my best to make my fics accurate, but not necessarily a perfect match with the events in the movies, with clear plotlines and clean in terms of spelling and grammar. Flames are very much welcome.

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, not its games, not its movies. This is under Republic Act 8293, or the Intellectual Property Code of the Philippines. (From Wikipedia)

Title: 600 Feet Under

Genre: Humor/General

Rating: T, but may go up

Warnings: crude humor, sexual innuendos and swearing

Full Summary: Movie-based, set in RE: Extinction Inside Umbrella's North American facility, all you think you'll ever see are Isaacs plotting, Wesker bossing around, Slater, misunderstanding a few remarks, and the White Queen giving information. See what humorous situations can happen, six hundred feet below the surface. A series of short stories which will make you laugh at the Umbrella Corporation.

* * *

Chapter 1: Laundry Night with Isaacs and Slater

"Dr. Isaacs, Chairman Wesker requests your presence in the briefing room," a gentle, British-accented voice told the doctor. "Tell him I'm coming." The malevolent human said, pulling on his white coat as he stared at the artificial intelligence computer staring right at him, her straight, dark hair falling on her shoulders and the eerily white nightgown which made her look more ghostly than human.

The doctor sighed as he stood up and ran his fingers through his messy tan hair. He walked briskly to the briefing room, brows knitted in slight annoyance. _What is it this time? I met him three hours ago!_

A tall, dark-haired man came beside him and said with a very sophisticated accent, "Good afternoon sir? Chairman Wesker called you?" "Yes, Captain Slater." "Well, I was called too. Mind if I go with you to the briefing room?" "No, I don't mind." He said as they walked the long, silver corridors leading to the place where the committee met.

Both were surprised to see only the holographic image of Chairman Wesker. "Uh, sir, where are the other members of the committee?" Captain Slater said. "I called you here for a personal meeting, just between the three of us," the head of the corporation blankly said, with a twinkle in his eyes hidden beneath those dark sunglasses.

"Well, the research is going-" Dr. Isaacs was cut off in mid-sentence when the chairman said, "We're not talking about the research. We have talked about that a while ago. I have another thing to discuss with both of you." He said, his words thoroughly not accepting any retorts or reactions. "Is it about the new supply of food to come? I miss those Vienna sausages you guys sent last last week." Captain Slater said, like an excited child.

"No, it's not about the Vienna sausages, Captain Slater. It's about your laundry." Chairman Wesker said, giving a smirk. Dr. Isaacs' eye twitched repetitively while Captain Slater didn't seem interested at all.

"Doctor, I know that you have run countless experiments and I believe that the facility has lost a considerable number of personnel. So, I am advising you that you should learn how to fix up, clean your office, do your laundry and hang it up on the surface, where it is sure to dry. Captain Slater has been used to doing that." Chairman Wesker said, holding back some laughter as he said it.

"So that's why you're always gone when I'm calling for you, bastard!" Isaacs told Slater. "I was only doing my laundry! I actually found out that I clean my clothes better than the assistants and the workers around here." Slater said. "You're gay," the doctor muttered. "You'd better start doing it today, Doctor, while you still have some people who can help you. When the undead have killed them, you'll have to do your chores alone. This meeting is adjourned." Wesker said, his holographic image fading to nothing.

"Damn Wesker and…just damn!" Isaacs muttered to himself as he stomped away from the room. Captain Slater just walked behind him, smiling to himself. "Slater, I'm going to do the laundry later at night, and please help me with that," the scientist said, facing the captain.

_He said "please"? That's a first! I'd better write this down in my book of firsts!_ Alexander Slater made a mental note to himself. "Yeah, sure, I'll help." He said, slightly disturbed by the fact that the usually adamant and authoritative person said please.

That night…

Snickers and giggles would have been heard all throughout the Umbrella facility since Dr. Sam Isaacs, head researcher and respected biohazard scientist, walked around carrying a rather large basket containing blood-smeared overcoats, coffee-stained pajamas with hilarious designs on them, vintage shirts, well-worn ties and smelly socks. The load he carried wouldn't make anyone laugh but what he was wearing was sure to make anyone laugh.

He was wearing a striking yellow shirt paired with über-loose pants and slippers. He had a wild blue bandana on his head, protecting his hair from the chaotic stains which are to come, a frilly pink apron and yellow latex gloves. He cursed under his breath, walking bashfully to Captain Slater, who was at the end of that corridor, carrying a smaller load of laundry, but equally hilarious in appearance.

Captain Slater stood there by the door to the laundry room, seemingly used to wearing housemaid-like attire. His hair was under something which was a red bandana, and he wore a white plastic apron with the words "Kiss the Laundromat" over a regular white shirt and blue denims. He was wearing flip-flops, quite unusual in a world gone mad.

"So, are you ready for washing your dirty clothes?" Captain Slater said, a wide smile gracing his face. "I don't know." Isaacs said. Alexander led him to the laundry room of the facility, with two large washing machines and a dryer. "So, what should I do now?"

"Well, you separate the white and the colored items so that the dyes wouldn't run and ruin the color of the whites. And then, you just throw them into the washing machine, set the timer and the spin cycle, get it out, put it in a dryer, get it dried and then hang it up." He said, making it a seemingly easy thing to do.

The two Umbrella personnel used separate washing machines and washed the white items first. While Slater seemed to know how to work the thing, Isaacs was having trouble, which was a bit odd. "Slater, dammit! The whole machine is rocking and being so unstable! I think it's going to blow!" he said in a voice that sounded like someone running from zombies and screaming for help.

"You know what's wrong? You put the spin cycle on maximum. Don't do that. Turn it down a little bit." He said. Isaacs did as he was told and covered his eyes, anticipating disaster, but when he looked, the washing machine was spinning gently and noiselessly.

"This is weird. I can manipulate the structure of a virus, turn humans into zombies, and talk to an A.I. computer but I can't even do my laundry." the rather cruel man said. "It's a part of life, doctor. But, soon, you'll get used to it," Alexander said, in a reassuring tone.

Soon, the laundry was done. They took the elevator to the dilapidated cabin which gave them access to the surface, a seemingly dilapidated Nowhere, USA, enclosed by barbed wire fences, in order to deter the undead outside. Ordinary personnel were not permitted to go to the surface, unless they hung their laundry or they were on a mission or experiment.

On the surface…

"I don't exactly feel safe hanging my washed underwear and ties in a place where zombies are trying to reach through these fences," Isaacs said. "They won't raid your clothes. Trust me." Slater said. "Yeah, and if they raid my clothes, you're buying me new ones…or you'll haveto give me some of yours." "Fine, just go on."

They went on, walking on the desert sand, to a clothesline near the cabin, made out of slightly rusty metal poles with a braided rope. They hung their newly-washed clothes somewhere almost untouched by the sandstorms in the wilderness

"They'll be dry by tomorrow, considering how hot it can be here." Slater said, warily looking around at the zombies grabbing the fence. "Hey, look at that. Some black thing is flying over those undead creatures. Seems like an article of clothing." Isaacs said. "Yeah, it is." Slater said, and no sooner had he said this, the black object landed on Isaacs' face.

Alexander Slater was a serious man but seeing his superior with a pair of black boxers with yellow smileys smacked onto his face would have made him roll on the floor laughing but with restraint, he laughed but did not fall on the floor.

"Holy crap, where the hell did this come from?" the puzzled scientist asked, taking off the boxers from his face. "I don't know. It must belong to some survivor. I must say the guy has good taste in underwear." The young officer said, grinning as he looked at the incongruous design of the boxers.

As soon as he had said that, a pair of boxers hit Slater's face. He took it out of his face and his eye nervously twitched. "Another pair of boxers has hit us. Damn, I hate doing the laundry, especially this girly outfit!" Isaacs said. Slater took the underwear off his face and saw that it was also black, but red X's was the motif of this one.

"I think these boxers aren't owned by the same person. I think the smiley boxers are better." Slater said, eyeing the overly-depressing design of the second pair. "I like this one better. It protects the family jewels better because it's softer, and it has red on it, one of the colors in the Umbrella logo." Isaacs said.

"Okay…" Slater said, "Then, you have the boxers with the X's while I have the one with the smileys." "Let's try to find out who owns these. I don't want to wear these because maybe the person's got AIDS or some STD. But I like the design. Maybe I should buy myself one when the cure is done." Isaacs said. Slater had to agree, what if the owner did have some disease. Surely you wouldn't want to be sick in a world gone mad.

Meanwhile, somewhere else in the desert, by an abandoned and empty motel, survivors were braving the perils of living in the post-apocalyptic and arid wastelands. They made minimal noise so that they won't attract any unwanted attention, especially from the undead. But this time, some bickering could be heard.

"Olivera, you motherfucker, where the fuck are my smiley boxers?" a tall, dark-haired, dark-skinned man screamed as he saw an article of clothing missing from his makeshift clothesline outside his truck. Another man walked down from his truck, looking a bit pissed. He was tall, with tanned skin, black hair and heavily armed.

"LJ, I did not steal your damned smiley boxers! I never knew you had one of those!" he said, utterly surprised at the accusation. "I have only three boxers left since the world ended and you're stealing one of them? I can't sleep without those boxers, man! Damn. I'm searching your stuff, bastard." LJ said, stomping towards Carlos' truck. "Go search my stuff, just don't scatter it around the truck." Carlos said, shaking his head. _You can't sleep without your smiley boxers? That's disgusting. I don't steal underwear, for Pete's sake, _he thought.

LJ entered the back part of Carlos' vehicle, in frantic search for his "precious" smiley boxers. He rummaged through the neatly-piled clothes and other personal effects. "Gun magazines, ammo, pistols, holsters, walkie-talkie, more ammo, gun parts, M4A1 carbine, 9 mm clips, damn, this guy's armed and dangerous. Black shirt, black shirt, black shirt, black shirt, dark green tank top, black shirt, black pants, red shirt, black pants, camouflage pants, this guy's addicted to black! I'd better rummage through these CD's!" LJ said, seeing a bunch of scattered CD's.

"Iron Maiden, Green Day, My Chemical Romance, Timbaland, Maroon 5, Fall Out Boy, Slipknot, Black Eyed Peas, damn, he must have raided the CD rack in one of the shops we've been to a few weeks ago!" he exclaimed. He went on, looking for his boxers once again. He did not find them. He went out of the truck, with Carlos saying, "Did you find it?" "No, and man, for this time, you're not guilty of stealing them, but I'm keeping an eye on you." LJ said as his companion smirked. "I'll just get the clothes I dried," the truck's owner said, walking to a long wooden bench where he had left his clothing.

"There's something missing…" he said, getting all the dried clothing. "Shit, my black boxers with red X's on them are gone!" he said throwing all the clothes into the back of his truck and running off.

LJ was doodling on the sand with a stick. He saw Carlos with a slightly troubled look on his face. "Hey, what's up with you?" "My boxers are gone too." He said. "LJ Wayne, did you steal them?" he frankly asked. "No way! I wouldn't steal yours! Take a look at my stuff if you want to!" LJ retorted, as he opened the door of his vehicle to show his stuff.

"LJ, your truck is a nightmare." Carlos said, seeing cigarette butts, a lighter, porn magazines and nude posters all over the place, along with a few shirts, a few pants and some jackets and underwear. He crawled and picked up a few things just to look for his boxers. He cringed at the cigarette butts in one of LJ's boxers. _Gross! I wonder if he'll do some spring cleaning._

Carlos looked on, still finding none of his boxers. He accidentally picked up a graphic T-shirt saying "LOOKING FOR A PORNSTAR? HIRE ME!" _This is disgusting. And where the fuck is my boxers? If LJ didn't steal them, then who would? Chase, maybe? Claire? No! K-mart, oh, she's too young for that. Betty, I forgot, we lost her already to the crows. Mikey? Why would a computer genius want to steal someone else's underwear? Alice? Hell no, she wouldn't do that, but anyway, I DON'T KNOW!_ He thought, running his fingers through the whirlwind of items.

"Oh, a few CD's and DVD's are here. Paris Hilton scandal, uh, gross. Naked models, ugh. Stormy Daniels, oh no, all he's got here are pornographic materials. Pole dancing divas, bitch patrol, oh here's something not so pornographic but equally disturbing: Baywatch. He's got a Nelly CD, Black Eyed Peas, Akon and Nelly Furtado," he said, searching the CD's. Like LJ, it was a futile search.

"Found it?" LJ asked. "Nope, and I'm convinced that whoever robbed us both of our underwear is just one person. The question is, who? But since the wind is strong tonight, they could have been blown away. Who do you think stole them?" Carlos said.

"Mikey? Because I know one time, he was so scared, he pissed his pants!" LJ said. "No, Mikey seems too nice to do that. Do you think Chase did it?" Carlos said. "Hmm, he is a cowboy and he is damn tricky at times, but I don't think boxer shorts seem to grab his attention. God forbid, but maybe Claire stole them." LJ said.

"I know women shouldn't dabble with men's underwear unless they're ready to give something in return. But it's possible. God forbid too, but maybe K-mart got it." Carlos said. "What? She's too young to do those things. She's like, 14 or something." "Yeah, maybe, but who could have done that?" "Maybe Alice did it." LJ said. Carlos laughed hard. "She can't do that! Stealing underwear is not her thing!"

"But she's got the hots for you, motherfucker." LJ said, making his slightly tanned companion blush a deep red. "Whatever. We'll just ask if anybody found it, or stole it, for that matter." Carlos said, trying to say a few words, his face still red. LJ noticed this. "And I think you've got the hots for her too, bastard." LJ said good-humoredly. "Shut it, LJ. It's not funny." He said, smiling. "You're as red as a tomato, Olivera. Don't lie to me." LJ said as they walked to one of the campfires.

Back at the Umbrella Facility…

"Well, maybe doing laundry isn't so bad after all. I'll get used to it soon enough." Dr. Isaacs said, removing the incongruous bandana, apron and latex gloves. "Soon, you will. Don't forget to get the clothes from the surface. The next thing I'll teach you is how to iron them, well, that is, if your clothes will be heavily creased." Captain Slater said, walking away from Isaacs' laboratory-office. "And sir, please hold on to both of the boxers. I have an important thing to attend to." He added.

The tired doctor sat down on his chair, opening his laptop as he threw the boxers to his table. He took a few samples from both boxers and had them scanned on a biometric scanner. "White Queen!" He called. "Yes, Doctor?" she said. "Identify the owners of these boxers through the scanned DNA." "Yes sir, right away. I think it is peculiar for you to ask me to find out the owner of… boxer shorts." She said, and then disappeared. Meanwhile, Isaacs watched a video feed on Project Alice on his laptop.

He saw her with two men. One was tall, with dark skin and dark hair, with a goofy grin on his face, while the other one was slightly taller, with lighter skin and dark hair, heavily armed like a marine. Though he couldn't hear the dialogues, he could see that the project was surprised.

With the convoy…

"What boxers? I didn't know that you guys wore boxers!" a woman said. Her aquamarine eyes gave a surprised look. Her messy, dirty blonde hair flew with the wind and her scarlet lips were almost wide in shock.

"Alice, we're not holding you guilty of anything, for now. But we've asked everyone in the convoy already. Nobody has seen our boxers and we really need them." Carlos said. "Yeah, and if you see a black one with smileys, that's mine. If you see a black one with red X's, it belongs to this motherfucker beside me." LJ said. "I'll let you know if I saw them. By the way, I wouldn't steal your boxers." Alice said, a smirk playing on her face.

The two men walked away but LJ called out to Alice, "Hey, Alice, this guy has the hots--" but was cut off by a blow to the arm. "That hurts, bastard! I was just trying to tell her what you feel for her!" LJ said, in a voice audible to only him and Carlos. "Just shut up! I'll be the one to tell her!" "So, you really love her?" "I hate to admit it, but yeah." He said, going off to get a can of food.

At the Umbrella Facility…

"Hmm, interesting." Dr. Isaacs said, watching the feed. The White Queen appeared. "Doctor Isaacs, DNA identification is complete." "So, who owns them?" Isaacs said, turning his head to the girl in front of him who was just a computer. "The sample from the shorts with smileys has a DNA strand belonging to someone named Lloyd Jefferson Wayne." Isaacs just sneered. "Belongs to some nobody?" He said.

The White Queen went on to watch some feeds of Project Alice. "Excuse me, doctor. May I ask you something?" she said. "What is it?" "Who's the man with the project?" "He's an Umbrella traitor with the surname Olivera. Why did you ask?" he said, drinking some coffee from a lidded cup. "If you ask me, he's hot." The White Queen said, smiling.

Isaacs almost spat out the coffee. "What! White Queen, do you have a virus or something?" "No, I am in a perfectly normal state." "You think an Umbrella traitor is hot?" "I think so." "Oh, I forgot to ask you. Who owns the other pair?" Isaacs said, trying to recover from what the White Queen said.

"This might surprise you. It belongs to Carlos Olivera, ex-U.B.C.S commander, one of our best agents." The White Queen said. "Crap, I liked the design of the boxers of an Umbrella traitor!" Isaacs said, twitching. But after twitching, he suddenly had a plan in mind. "White Queen, track down both of them. They will be useful in capturing Project Alice." He said. _I think I'll love doing laundry._

The next day, he informed Captain Slater of the owners of the boxers. Equally disgusted, Slater decided to just let the boxers fly in the wind, the way they found them. So with zombies around the fence, they cautiously let the articles of clothing go about, careful not to let the zombies get them.

"I can't believe you liked the design of an Umbrella traitor's boxers." Slater said. "It's good we got rid of the boxers." Isaacs said, cringing. "And the white queen said that Olivera was hot." He added. Slater felt sick. "I'm going to barf." He told the doctor, running off to a hole and vomited there.

With the convoy…

"Hey, something's flying in the wind!" K-mart said, tying her blonde hair as she looked at the sky. "K-mart, we don't have time for this!" a redhead said acridly, as she asked everyone to pack up as they were leaving. "But Claire, look!" she said. "Boxer shorts?" Claire said, raising an eyebrow. "LJ, Carlos, I think we found your boxers." Claire said, through a walkie-talkie. The two men rushed to Claire and K-mart as the wind died down, dropping the articles of clothing on the sand at their feet.

"My boxers!" both of them exclaimed. "I see you two value your underwear." K-mart said. "Hurry up. We have to go now." Claire said. "Well, the wind blew it. Nobody stole it. Besides, why would anyone want our underwear?" LJ said. "Maybe they want a piece of us…" Carlos said, grinning.

Back at the facility…

"So, Doctor Isaacs, how was your first shot at washing your own dirty clothes?" Chairman Wesker said. "It was fine, I guess." Isaacs said, again finding himself in the briefing room with only the chairman and Captain Slater with him. "Were there any happy accidents that happened?" the chairman asked, smiling. "Nothing bad happened, sir." Slater lied. "Keep up the good work. That's an order." Wesker said, grinning then fading out.

"What do you mean that nothing bad happened? We got the boxers of two people who can help us with Project Alice and now we can track them too! And one of the boxers was from a traitor! That's not good, you asshole!" Isaacs shouted at Slater, who just grinned. "I'll meet you at the laundry area at 7:00 p.m. every other day." Slater said, parting ways with the doctor. "Fine." Isaacs said. _But something's telling me that more surprises will come as I learn how to do chores…_he thought as he went back to his desk.

* * *

A bit disturbing, isn't it? Thanks for reviewing…if you will. Flames accepted. If something isn't clear in the story, PM me. I'll answer questions. I also do request fics, movie-based ones. Bye! I'll try to update soon.

-TheDayYouSaidGoodnight


	2. KaraOkay Night

* * *

To my readers, I am exceedingly grateful for the positive response to my first chapter. Please pardon my late update. I am not in the Philippines, so it's hard to update since I'm busy even in a vacation such as this. I am back with this series of random short stories. As a reward to your waiting and reading, I bring you chapter two! Beware of pop culture references, and the American Idol-like setting was not intentional.

DISCLAIMER: Even if you turn the whole world upside-down, I still won't own Resident Evil…no, not the games, not even the movies. I'll be honest. I wish I owned it. I own some of the original characters here. I also don't own the songs and artists…and pop culture references.

For this chapter, I would want to tell you that the OC, Isabel's surname here is pronounce as (mohn-teh-vehr-deh)

* * *

Chapter 2: Kara-Okay Night

The Umbrella Facility in the Nevada Desert was always quiet. All you might hear are footsteps, laboratory apparatus clinking, glass breaking, the washing machine turning, and the occasional order-barking. Tonight, it wouldn't be so silent.

"Hey, Isabel Monteverde!" one of the Umbrella employees called out, banging open a door to a laboratory. He was tall, pale-skinned, with dark brown hair and green eyes. A female employee, rare in Umbrella's underground facilities, turned her back to the door and looked at the man who called for her. "Well, Gregory Cay, what's the problem?" she asked calmly.

"All of the bacon slices in the refrigerator are gone!" Gregory yelled. Isabel nonchalantly poured a viscous substance from a beaker to a graduated cylinder filled with a strong acid. The liquids started fizzing. She put down the beaker, sighed then turned to Gregory. "Then, why are you getting mad at me?" she asked, her hazel eyes showing amusement.

"It's you're the glutton here! You're as thin as a beanpole but you eat too much in one day! Chocolate wrappers fill the trash can on your desk!" Gregory said. Isabel chuckled and placed a stopper on the graduated cylinder and stored it in a freezer. She removed her surgical cap/hairnet to let down her wavy black hair. "I'll admit it. It's my fault." Isabel said, smiling. "Just don't do it again." He said, sighing in defeat as they walked out the laboratory.

They parted ways at the end of the corridor, which had two hallways in opposite directions. Gregory, a member of the Security Division, went left, while Isabel of the Science Division went right.

She went down the hallway, passing by an eternal multitude of doors. A door saying "USED MACHINES" caught her interest. She carefully opened it, studying everything she saw inside. "Crap evaporator, instrument sterilizer, ruined washing machine, decimated coffee maker, smashed toilet seat…can't they take care of these stuff?" she asked loudly.

She suddenly saw a peculiar machine in the dark, musty room. It had a metal frame with wild painted designs on it. It had a small color television inside and had a console with buttons numbered 0-9. There were two microphones on the edge of the console, supported by microphone holders. A dusty book bound with leather lay near the television.

"This is odd. It's not broken. It has no visible damage. What could this be?" she asked, examining the machine. She plugged it and turned it on, and it seemed to work perfectly. She then turned it off and unplugged it. "It is still in good condition…" she said. She looked at all sides of the machine, until she saw a sticker on it saying, "Karaoke Machine-Property of the Umbrella Corporation".

Isabel leaped for joy. "For five years I've missed this thing, now I have one again! I miss all those karaoke bars back home! I should tell everyone!" she said, leaving the room in a euphoric state. She had enjoyed singing with the karaoke machine and she had found her joy after five years of a world gone mad.

Later that night, in Dr. Isaacs' lab…

The middle-aged scientist couldn't concentrate on his work that night. The normally quiet facility seemed to be noisy and lively that evening. He was still developing the serum from the blood of Project Alice clones.

"White Queen!" he yelled with utter frustration in his voice. "Yes, sir?" the holographic A.I. computer asked. She took the form of a girl in an eerily glowing white nightgown. "Find out the source of the noise…now. It has disturbed me so much." He said, sighing. "Right away, sir." The White Queen said, fading out.

Suddenly, the White Queen reappeared. "You found the source already?" Isaacs asked, surprised. _You really are improving…well except when you said that Olivera was hot. Disgusting and mentally scarring. _"Yes, Doctor Isaacs. The source of the noise is the employees of the corporation who are singing on a karaoke machine. They have good scores, you know?" the White Queen said, smiling.

"What, a karaoke machine? We hid that thing five years ago! Who could have brought it out?" he said, irately. "I did hear a few of them thank Isabel Monteverde for taking it out." She said. "Who the hell is that?" Isaacs asked, fuming.

"She is one of the lower scientists of the division. She is tasked with creating a new substance that would lessen our dependency on the decreasing supplies of liquid cleaners." The White Queen said, knowing all of these things from her files. Isaacs sighed deeply. "I think I'm going to need a lot of coffee." He said, laying his head on the table.

The door to his office-laboratory burst open. "Doctor Isaacs, you'd better come with me!" someone said with a giggly, excited tone. "What is it now, Slater?" Isaacs said acridly. _I think I'm running a bad fever. Stupid noise! Everyone knows that I have spells of migraine._

"Someone found our old karaoke machine and everyone's enjoying the sing-along festival! I sang 'Scream' by Timbaland, Keri Hilson and Nicole Scherzinger and I got a perfect score of 100!" Captain Alexander Slater said, pleased with an achievement which seemed petty to Dr. Isaacs. "I am not coming. I don't feel well." He said, almost whispering. He was suffering migraine attacks all day.

"Maybe your headaches will go away if you find a way to forget them. Come on!" Slater said. "I'm sure you're not Slater. You're too happy and giddy to be him. As I said, I'm not coming." Isaacs said. "Doctor Isaacs, don't worry. It'll be fine, sir. If you don't want to, then I'll go with Captain Slater." The White Queen said, smiling.

"Fine, I'm coming! If you want to come, White Queen, then come. I could use your sanity." He said, submitting to the predicament. Captain Slater hurriedly dragged him by the arm as the White Queen trailed behind them, an innocent smile gracing her face. _Shit. I'm sure that this will be the worst night of my life. I abhor karaoke and I avoid singing like the plague. I almost flunked Music class when I was in elementary, _Isaacs thought.

They soon arrived at a large room which seemed to look like and feel like an auditorium. "Here we are, doctor. We'll enjoy this. I promise." Slater said. "And if I don't enjoy it, you're personally serving my migraine medication…with green tea!" Isaacs said, feeling a bit dizzy.

The music and the singing came to a halt as everyone saw Doctor Isaacs. "Sir, I'm sorry for taking out the machine. We're sorry for the disturbance. We just need to take away our stress. We need to help ourselves relax." Isabel said, humbly lowering her head.

"Don't be sorry, Isabel, he's here to join the musical extravaganza." The White Queen said. Suddenly, the person using the karaoke machine sang once again as the others cheered him on. "So sir, what will you sing?" Isabel asked. "Can I have the song list?" Isaacs asked, preparing for the worst.

With Claire Redfield's convoy…

"I'm bored." LJ Wayne said, sick of watching the flickering campfire wafting through the cooling air of the night. "Aren't we all?" Claire said. "I wish I had a computer with me." K-mart said rather dreamily. "I miss my MP3 player." LJ said. "I miss television. At this time, I would be watching 'The Simpsons' on Fox." Carlos said. "You watch that?" Alice asked, laughing. "You have a problem?" he said, grinning. "No, but I could remember watching it every night." She said. "I miss my DVD's." Mikey said. "Yeah, I liked watching those Jackie Chan and Jet Li movies on DVD's." LJ said. "I miss the ranch where I grew up." Chase said. "It's pretty obvious that you miss your old home." K-mart said.

They all sighed in unison. That was until an idea struck LJ's occasionally insane mind. "How about we hold some concert or singing contest?" he asked. Everyone stared at him with raised eyebrows and gaped mouths. "Are you mad, mate?" Mikey asked. "It's dangerous! The noise would attract _them_." Claire said. "Come on, Claire. It seems alright. There's none of those motherfuckers in sight." LJ said. "Yeah, do it at your own risk." Claire said.

"I think it's a good idea. It's been a while since I've seen some decent entertainment…and I miss music." K-mart said. "It wouldn't be safe. _They_ could spot us or some other person can track us down and watch our every move." Alice said. "Who's with me?" LJ asked. "I am." K-mart said. "Add me there!" Chase said, tipping his hat. "I think we all need this singing contest slash concert. We need some kind of hope. If any of the undead would be here, I'll take care of that." Carlos said as they left.

"As I said, do it at your own risk." Claire said, sighing. "Now, how are they going to put up a concert?" Mikey asked. "I don't know. They'd better be creative." Alice said. "I just hope none of those zombies would get us." Claire said, clutching her head.

Back in the facility…

"Hmmm, I like this song. It's entitled 'Umbrella' and it was sung by Ree-hay-na, or is it Rye-hah-na?" Dr. Isaacs said, reading the songbook. "It's Rihanna, sir, ree-hah-na. Are you sure you can sing that?" Captain Slater said.

"I can pull this off, even if…I don't really know the song…but I know a part that just repeats and repeats." Dr. Isaacs said._ God help me. I don't know this song, but I heard a song with the words "ella, ella, eh, eh, eh. I wonder if this is it._ "I can't believe our boss doesn't know the most popular song five years ago!" one of the employees said loudly.

_That's it! Even if I don't know the song, I'll sing it just to shut them up!_ Isaacs thought. He grabbed the mic on the console, and everyone was surprised. "I'm going to sing…UMBRELLA! For the corporation!" he said. A loud cheer was elicited from all sides of the room.

"What? Sir, are you sure you can pull that off? You might even dance to it!" Isabel said, disturbing images of the scientist dancing entering her mind. "Shut up, Monteverde, and enter the number 20998 on the machine!" he said, the tone of his voice not admitting insolence.

Isabel reluctantly entered the numbers and the song was loading. She took the other microphone on the console and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, the next song is Umbrella. To sing is Doctor Isaacs. May God have mercy on us." She said.

Isaacs took the floor and made himself the star of the night, or so he thought. _This is the name of the corporation I work for. I should do this right._ He thought, tapping the microphone. The opening bar of the song was starting, and he looked at the karaoke machine, trying to get the pitch and reading the lyrics.

"You have my heart and we'll never be worlds apart, maybe in magazines but you'll still be my star. Baby, 'cause in the dark, you can't see shiny cars, and that's when you need me there, with you I'll always share…" he sang, with a slightly off-key voice which made everyone snicker at him.

"Because, when the sun shines we'll shine together, told you I'll be here forever. Said I'll always be your friend, took an oath, I'm a stick it out 'til the end. Now that it's raining more than ever, know that we still have each other; you can stand under my umbrella. You can stand under my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh, under my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh." Umbrella's top biohazard scientist said, singing with more confidence and a better pitch.

"Holy crap, Isaacs can sing?" Gregory Cay said, gasping in awe. Everyone was clapping loudly as their boss took it as a sign to continue. As an intro to the next stanza, he asked, "Is there an Umbrella anywhere here?" one of the employees tossed him a foldable umbrella. He opened it and started singing the next stanza while dancing like an idiot. Everyone was clapping, laughing or falling from their seats.

With the desert convoy…

"Alright, everybody, listen up!" LJ said, standing on a fuel tanker. Everyone in the convoy looked at him, thinking he was crazy. "Tonight, we're going to have…a singing contest! Do any of you wanna join? Raise your hand!" he said. He heard no response except the breeze and the chirping of a few uninfected crickets. Everyone looked blankly at him.

"You suck!" a young boy in the crowd yelled at him, throwing an empty tin can. "Hey, hey, kid! Keep it cool! All I'm asking is if you guys want to join the singing contest! If you win, you can sleep with Olivera!" LJ said.

"I'm going to kick your ass, LJ! Alright, guys, here's the deal: you join this contest and you win, I'm going to give you a gun tutorial, free, just to make sure you guys would be safe. Who's up?" a voice from the ground, its owner being Carlos, said.

Six people from the convoy raised their hands, all with smiles on their faces. "So, we've got five, Maria, Mike, Randy, Chase, K-mart and…Alice?! But you don't need gun lessons!" Carlos said, thoroughly surprised. "Mikey, LJ, Claire, you'll be the judges!" he called out as LJ went off the tanker.

"Me? Judge? Alright!" Mikey said. "Carlos, just make sure the contestants wouldn't hurt my ears!" Claire said. "Being a judge wouldn't be so bad…" LJ said. "Everyone sit in an organized way, in front of the tanker and let's start the show. Judges, stay in front of the crowd. Olivera, you're playing host tonight." Mikey said.

"What? I am not supposed to be a host! I can't be! I suck at public speaking--" Carlos said, but he was stopped in mid-sentence by Alice looking at him with a beautiful smile. The judges all looked at him with teasing expressions. "Okay, I'm going to be the host." "Start the show." Claire said.

Carlos sat on top of the tanker. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, tonight is our first-ever singing contest. Let's start. Our first singer is the youngest among our competitors. She's the kid who says "Guacamole time!" when zombies attack. Let's welcome Maria Sanchez!" he said.

The little girl stood in front of the tanker. She looked a bit nervous but her parents, who were in the audience, looked at her with pride. She smiled. "This song is for my Mama and Papa." She said before belting her favorite song, This Love by Maroon 5.

Her thin, shrill voice pierced everyone's ears. She sung a few wrong lyrics but in spite of that, her parents were obviously proud of their daughter. "This love has taken its toll on me, she said goodbye, too many times befo-o-o-o-o-ore, and my heart is breaking in front of me and I have no choice, 'cause I won't say goodbye anymore!" she said, her high-pitched voice almost matching the vocalist of the band that sang the song. She belted out a few more lyrics before ending

"Thank you! Thank you, everyone!" she said, before leaving the stage. "Uh, okay, that was a loud and lively number. What do our judges have to say? Mikey?" Carlos said. "Well, I should say that her voice can hit the high notes very well but the song wasn't supposed to be sung in a very high pitch." Mikey said. "Is this American Idol?" someone in the audience quipped.

"No, THIS IS NOT AMERICAN IDOL! _Yuck._ Thank you, Mikey. Claire?" Carlos said. "I should say that her choice of song was a bit too explicit for her age. Her high voice is best suited for pop songs and not pop-rock. But if she chooses songs which can fit her vocal range, she can have a career in the music industry…if there will be a music industry again." Claire said.

"Thank you, Claire. LJ?" Carlos said. "She's got a fine voice, man! But the song! Hell no! Get her another track!" LJ commented. "Thank you, LJ. Let us now introduce our next contestant, one of our elder companions here. He's always looking for beer everywhere we go. Come on down, Mike Otis-Terrence!" the host said.

A big, burly man went in front of the tanker. "Good evening everybody! I'm Mike Otis-Terrence, and I'm going to sing a song about my wife, whom I sadly lost during the crow siege. Her name is Helena, and I am going to sing Helena by My Chemical Romance." Mike said, almost crying.

He sung the introduction of the song with a low, soft voice then suddenly screamed the first stanza. "That was a shocking piece of shit!" an audience member said. Almost everyone took a double take as he screamed the stanza. "Gosh, he loves his wife!" a female member of the audience said.

"What's the worst that I can say? Things are better if I stay, so long and goodnight! So long and goodnight!" he sang with the most melancholic yet angry tone. He continued on with the rest of the song. It was rock at its finest.

"That was a rocking number, right? Let's hear what our judges have to say. Mikey?" our host said. "It was so good. Hands down." Mikey said. "Thank you, mate. Claire?" "It was moving, and it seemed to be a few days of regressed emotions. You can get over, Mike. Good luck." "Thank you, Claire. LJ?" "I love the song, but dude, you can make your voice a bit higher." LJ said. "Let's have a short break before we continue, shall we?" Carlos said.

With the personnel of Umbrella Corp…

"Let it be 100!" Dr. Isaacs said, as the karaoke machine was starting its deliberation. Everyone looked at the screen. The suspense was killing them. "Isaacs! Isaacs!" they shouted. "I'll prepare for the worst." Captain Slater said, covering his eyes. "It will be okay, Captain Slater." The White Queen said, giving him a pat on the back which wasn't felt by the officer.

"Shit, he got a 100!" Gregory screamed. "What?!" Isabel said, mouth gaping. "Damn! I did get a 100! I rock!" Dr. Isaacs said. "You're unfair, Doctor!" one of the employees hurled at him. "Let me have a try!" the White Queen said. The whole room was silenced.

"The White Queen singing? This is a big joke!" another employee said. "You don't have to do this." Captain Slater said. "No, I'm going to prove you wrong!" she said. "But you're a computer!" Isabel said. "I have a built-in microphone and I think I'm smart enough to do this. Enter the number 09086 on the karaoke machine." The White Queen said. Isabel reluctantly agreed.

Slater's eyes bulged out of their sockets when he saw the song on the screen. "Misery Business…Paramore." He read out loud. "Uh, go ahead, White Queen." Isaacs said, still not believing what the computer could do.

The karaoke machine started playing the intro to the song. "I'm in the business of misery; let's take it from the top. She's got the body of an hourglass; it's tickin' like a clock. It's a matter of time before we all run out. When I thought he was mine, she caught him by the mouth!" she sang, almost screaming at the last word. Almost everyone was terrified because her voice strangely sounded like Hayley Williams, knowing the fact that she looked like a child.

She sang the chorus acridly, as if angry at someone. Venom dripped with every word that she sung, with an eerie smile gracing her innocent face. She continued the song this way, with sudden outbursts in the intense parts.

"Whoa, I never meant to brag, but I got him where I want him now…" she sung softly as she entered the last chorus. "Whoa, I never meant to brag, Whoa, I never meant to brag but I got him where I want him now. Whoa... it was never my intention to brag, to steal it all away from you now.  
But God does it feels so good, 'cause I got him where I want him now and if you could then you know you would, 'cause God it just feels so... It just feels so good!" she sang to finish the piece.

Everyone in the room stood up and clapped as they saw a 100 on the screen. Dr. Isaacs wanted to bow before the White Queen. Slater shed a tear while clapping. Isabel threw a plastic rose before the White Queen. She didn't know where it came from, but she just found it on her hand.

"Congratulations to all of you. I believe you found something to entertain yourselves in the world gone mad." A deep voice said. "Chairman Wesker! It's you!" Dr. Isaacs said. "Sir, I am so sorry that I distracted these guys from their job. You see I just found it and--" Isabel said, cut-off in her speech by the chairman raising his hand to silence her.

"I didn't come here to reprimand you, Monteverde, and neither was I here to give orders. I was actually here…to…sing along with all of you!" Wesker said, making everyone find out if their ears were lying. "Really, sir?" Captain Slater asked. "Yes, Slater, and if you hand me that song book now, I could put this virtual microphone to good use and stay here all night." Wesker said.

Back with the convoy's singing contest…

After their short break, they went on with the show. Mikey was giddily waiting for the next contestant. Claire sat nonchalantly, hoping that the next contestant wouldn't break her eardrum. LJ was toying around with the sand.

"Let's get on with the show! Our next contestant is the convoy's practical joker. Please welcome, Randy Schmidt!" Carlos said, still sitting on the tanker. A young boy of 14 walked a bit nervously to the front. "Uh, I want to dedicate this song to my friends, who are here with us still. They were my family when almost everyone I knew died." Randy said.

"For them, I'll sing 'I Feel Good' by…I don't know who sung it." He said, sheepishly on the last sentence. He danced around jazzily before singing. "Whoa! I feel good! I knew that I wouldn't of.  
I feel good! I knew that I wouldn't of. So good, so good, I got you!" he sang with his voice breaking in some parts.

He sang the song, which was almost a repetition of every verse. His voice broke a lot of times, and when it did break, almost everyone laughed. The way he danced was unconventional and a bit disgusting. He finished the song with a loud, high-pitched scream. The claps he received were rather soft and few.

"Thank you, Randy. Judges, please give a comment." Carlos said. "Mate, I'm sorry if this will offend you, but I don't like your singing style. Reduce the voice breaks, please. Find a way to play it down. The song you chose was a classic. You can do better than that." Mikey said.

"Your voice breaking seriously affected your performance. Just work on that and practice everyday. That's all." Claire said, trying to nurse her ears. "Man, you stink! Damn voice breaking, dude! You got to work on that! It was a bit crappy." LJ said. Claire elbowed him while the audience booed in the background.

"Uh, thank you judges. Let's call on our next contestant. He's the convoy's resident cowboy who loves his cowboy hat, pork and beans and his lumberjack-style plaid shirt. Let's welcome Chase!" Carlos said as Chase stepped up to the front.

"This better be good, Chase." Claire said. "I'm singing this for y'all. It's called 'The Campfire Song Song'. I found this almost broken guitar in the motel. It was still in good condition so I'll use it for this song." Chase said, placing his fingers on the frets.

"Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song. Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song and if you don't think we can sing it faster then you're wrong. If you'll just sing along…" Chase sung with his cowboy accent. "Dum dum dum…" LJ sang.

"C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song, C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song, and if you don't think we can sing it faster then you're wrong! It will help, it will help, if you just sing along!" he finished, raising the guitar instead of smashing it. "Oh, yeah!" Chase yelled as loud cheers and claps erupted.

"Judges?" Carlos said. "I love your song, mate! You sing just like SpongeBob! Damn!" Mikey said. Claire's eye twitched a bit. "It was a bit disturbing, but you sing well, Chase." She said, mentally sighing in relief since her eardrum didn't feel abused this time. "ChaseBob RectanglePants, you might be the next dubbing superstar!" LJ said.

"Thank you, judges. Let's call on our next contestant. She's the girl we all know as…K-mart!" Carlos said, still cheery after the Campfire Song Song. K-mart walked briskly to the front. "Hi. I'm going to sing When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne." She said.

With the people behind the world gone mad…

"Don't hog the mic, Isaacs! You've sung 8 songs already!" Wesker said. "For the love of…You sang 9 songs already!" Isaacs complained. All the other employees stood and watched blankly. The White Queen told Captain Slater, "There's some beer in Doctor Isaacs' office if you need one." "Thank you, White Queen."

"Chairman Wesker, Doctor Isaacs…" Isabel said. "Yes?" they both replied. "STOP BICKERING OR ELSE I'M KEEPING THIS AWAY FOR GOOD! DO YOU BOTH HEAR ME, SIRS?" she screamed. The two fearfully nodded their heads. "I'm taking this song!" Gregory said. "Dancing Queen? You're corny!" another employee said.

Captain Slater went out and returned with an opened bottle of beer. He was swigging it endlessly. "Don't drink too much, sir." The White Queen said but Slater kept drinking. Isaacs and Wesker were plotting on how to get the mic. Isabel, Gregory and the other employees were singing. Captain Slater was drinking. The White Queen was looking out for trouble.

With the convoy…

"If you have plans to be a musician, go on with it." Mikey said. "K-mart, I didn't know you had talent." Claire said. "I'll be your manager, girl!" LJ said. K-mart squealed in delight. "Thank you, Mikey, Claire and LJ. The last contestant but surely not the least is Alice!" Carlos said, slightly blushing.

Alice walked to the front. "This should be good." LJ said. "I'm going to sing 'Bring Me to Life' by Evanescence." She said. Her voice was soulful and thoroughly emotional. Throughout her performance, it was obvious that Carlos' attention was solely hers. Mikey, Claire and LJ were looking at him while trying not to laugh.

"Wake me up inside! Wake me up inside! Call my name and save me from the dark. Bid my blood to run, before I come undone. Save me from the nothing I've become. Bring me to life…bring me to life…" she ended, her voice fading into the desert wind. _Carlos, this is my song for you. You brought me to life. You made me human._

Thunderous applause came from the whole convoy. "Go Alice!" K-mart yelled from the back. "Okay! Thank you, Alice. Judges, give your comment." Carlos said, trying to snap out of his dreamy state.

"Besides the nice song, I also like your voice. Just don't scream the other words." Mikey said. "You're our convoy's newest member but you're the best singer. No offense to the others." Claire said. "Girl, you rock da house down!" LJ said.

"Thank you, judges. Let's clap for all our contestants. We'll have a short break to give our judges some time to deliberate--" Carlos said, but was cut-off by Mikey, "We'll deliberate while we have an intermission number, courtesy of Olivera." The judges snickered loudly. The whole convoy cheered and laughed. "Go, Carlos!" Chase yelled. "You can do it! You can do it!" Maria shouted.

The judges whispered to each other. "Maria has a shrill voice. It's too high and hurts the ears too much." Mikey said. "Yeah, you're right. Mike was good but it was too deep." Claire said. "It was too deep. Randy's voice kept breaking. Damn!" LJ said.

"Right…Chase was cartoonish but very entertaining. I should confess that I watched SpongeBob years ago." Claire said. "Yeah, that rocked! K-mart was just good! She sounded almost like Avril. Two thumbs up." Mikey said. "And then, there's Alice. Her voice was fine, damn it! She rocks." LJ said.

"This is harder than I thought." Claire said. "It's so hard that I wish I had a Popsicle right now!" LJ said. "I think we should let the convoy decide. We should exclude ourselves and Olivera, who seems to be a bit 'biased'." Mikey said with a teasing tone. "We'll just stall them so that we can see this motherfucker sing." LJ said.

"Hey, Carlos, start singing! We're still deliberating." Claire called out as the three pretended to talk among themselves. "Uh, I know I don't sing too well but I'll try. I'll sing She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5. I hope you'll like it." He said as he went down the tanker. "Uh, Alice, this is for you," he said, the audience whistling and hooting in the background. Alice turned red in a few seconds and K-mart noticed this but just laughed.

He sang the melodic song with a deep yet smooth voice which reminded the others of a coffee shop singer singing a calm piece. "Is this Maroon 5's vocalist?" an audience member asked. He was looking at Alice with every lyric coming out of his lips.

The song continued on, sounding like a comforting hymn to the people, who seemed to need love. He put so much intensity into his song, stressing how he felt. Even until the end, everyone listened. "Tap on my window, knock on my door. I want to make you feel beautiful." He sang, introducing the finale.

"I don't mind spending everyday, out on your corner in the pouring rain. Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile and she will be loved, and she will be loved. And she will be loved, and she will be loved. Please don't try so hard to say goodbye…please don't try so hard to say goodbye…please don't try so hard to say…goodbye." Carlos' sang, mellowing down.

Everyone stood up and clapped loudly, even the three judges. Alice's eyes welled up with tears. K-mart was cheering on. Chase threw his hat off in congratulations. LJ was stunned. Claire couldn't stop clapping. Mikey was raising two thumbs up.

"Alright, guys, listen up. We are going to decide the contest by a popular vote. We, the judges, and your host Carlos are excluded from this. We'll do this vote by a show of hands. No double voting. Thank you." Claire said.

"Who votes for Maria?" Mikey asked. A few hands were raised. "Two." "Who votes for Mike?" Claire implored. A few hands were raised. "Three." "Who votes for Randy?" LJ asked. One hand was raised. "One." "Who votes for Chase?" Claire asked. "Five." "Who votes for K-mart?" questioned Mikey. "Six." "Who votes for Alice?" LJ asked. "Eight."

"How many votes were those?" Mikey asked. "Twenty-five." LJ said. "The convoy, minus us and Carlos has twenty-five people." Claire said. "Alright, we have ourselves a winner!" LJ said. Addressing the crowd, Claire said, "And our winner is…" with suspense. "Alice!" she continued.

"Congratulations! Enjoy your gun tutorial with Carlos…uh wait a minute, you don't need a gun lesson." Mikey said. "Congratulations, bitch! Now let's bring out the beer!" LJ yelled. "Uh, LJ, there is no beer." Carlos said.

The audience clapped as Alice went to the front, looking very happy. _This is the first time I've ever been in a singing contest…and in which I wasn't drunk,_ she thought. "Congratulations." Carlos said, smiling at her. "Thank you. So, what's my prize, since Mikey said I don't need a gun lesson?" she said.

LJ overheard this and asked the audience. "Guys, what do you want us to give Alice as an award?" he asked. "A kiss from Carlos!" someone yelled. "Yeah, that's it!" another one said. The convoy roared their request.

"I'm sorry, mate, but you have to do it. It's what the audience wants." Mikey said as Claire kept giggling. "Is it okay with you, Alice?" Carlos asked. Instead of a reply, he received a peck on the cheek. She then looked at him, still smiling. "I know what you mean…" he said, giving her a kiss on the lips. The convoy cheered for them as they pulled away.

"Good night, everyone!" Claire yelled out to finish the show. The convoy put out all the bonfires and retired to their vehicles.

The next morning, in the Umbrella Facility…

The room was filled with people sprawling on the floor, drunk. Broken beer bottles and vomit littered the tiled floor. The song book was on the karaoke machine, which remained in good condition.

Wesker's hologram was gone. Dr. Isaacs was asleep on three chairs beside each other. Captain Slater slept with a bottle in hand, leaning against the cold wall. The other scientists were either sleeping on the floor or sleeping on the chairs.

The White Queen looked at her surroundings and shook her head. "People never learn…" she said, before disappearing and going to Dr. Isaacs' office. The Umbrella Facility had a great night, all thanks to a karaoke machine and a few bottles of beer. But this night of fun would never have been possible if a humble employee, Isabel Monteverde, found a karaoke machine out of pure curiosity.

* * *

Long chapter isn't it? I'm very, very sorry for the late update. I hope you liked this. Please review. Flames accepted. Adios, amigos! Love you all.

-TDYSG


End file.

Resident Evil, Humor