Harry Potter 1. An LGBT Nativity Musical

December 1

It was a grey morning on the first of December. A massive and undressed Yule tree in the Great Hall signaled the coming of the jolliest season of the year. Information about the Yule Disco on the 11th and the Nativity play on the 17th had been pinned on walls everywhere, the latter of which kept Remus lingering by the notice board at the entrance.

"Are you going to participate in the nativity play?" Peter asked him.

"It's not a 'play'. It's a farce" Remus replied and Peter followed him to the middle table where they pulled up chairs across from James and Sirius.

"Are you going to participate in the nativity farce?"

"Or are you 'too good' for it?" Sirius asked, stuffing a croissant in his mouth. Remus poured some hot water over a tea bag and whipped out his homework.

"It's the same thing _every year" _

"That's kind of the point" said James.

"He's just having one of those 'temperamental artist' moments, just ignore him" said Sirius.

"Do you know why artists are so temperamental?" Remus asked.

"Because of the lack of 'visions'?"

"Exactly"

Remus bit into a jar of vegan supplements and unscrewed the lid.

"Well" said Sirius and brushed some puff pastry flakes off him. "You complain about this every year and every year I tell you to do it better yourself, and you always try but you never finish anything. Where are you going?"

Remus washed down the supplements with the tea standing up and pushed his chair in.

"I'm going to write a musical" he said and left.

"A _musical?" _ Sirius's eyes widened and he nearly dropped the marmalade knife. James reached for the milk and splashed it over his cereals.

"A musical, isn't that what they do every year?"

"No, I think you're confusing 'musical' with 'abomination'"

"What's the difference?"

Sirius backed his chair and bounced to his feet.

"You stick to your manly broomstick sport if you want. When you're ready to admit you cried at the end of Godspell, I'll be in the drama room"

"They just disappeared around a corner and I didn't want it to end!"

"I know"

Sirius finished his coffee and pinched a croissant for the road before leaving to interfere with the musical.

The door to McGonagall's classroom stood open and Remus knocked on the frame. Professor McGonagall put down her changeable _56 is the new 66 _cup and _The Daily Erised. _

"Good morning" she said.

"Good morning Professor" said Remus. "I was just wondering if I could write the nativity play this year"

A collection of rods were close to rolling off the table so professor McGonagall moved them to the corner.

"It's December 1" she said. "You're a little late"

"I know. But I have this old draft"

"The drama club is doing the nativity play. They began their preparations months ago" McGonagall picked up a piece of chalk and scribbled the Latin incantation to the rod-to-serpent charm on the blackboard as well as the phonetic pronunciation. "Join them"

That was the precise thing Remus didn't want to do.

"But they're amateurs that lack vision. They just use it as an excuse to sing _Don't go breaking my heart _and other songs they like"

"It's _just _a school play, now" McGonagall looked at her pocket watch. "I think you better hurry so you're not late for Rules & Traditions class. I believe professor Sharma will be going over The Rule of Three with you today"

The classroom was slowly beginning to fill up. Remus followed the corridor to a narrow staircase and sat down to open a bag of M&M's. He was remarkably unhealthy for a skinny vegetarian; often forgetting meals in favour of reading and sometimes days passed without him eating anything except for a couple of Twixes. He tore at the bag with all his might, wondering why M&M bags were so tough to open these days, until all the M&M's fell out and cascaded down the stairs. He whipped out his wand and led the beads down his throat in a neat row.

"_And nobody told us"_ he suddenly heard Sirius sing behind him. "_'Cause nobody showed us! But now it's up to us babe, oh I think we can make it"_

"Did you just coincidentally choose to sing that part?"

Sirius uncapped a bottle of nail polish and sat down to apply a fresh layer of colour to his flaky nails. "But it _is _up to us, babe"

"Don't call me 'babe'"

"Why not, babe?"

Remus whipped out _Numeric traditions _by _Theresa Nuff._

"Whatever. McGonagall said no"

"_Did she _now?" Sirius stretched his legs across the step he had occupied. "You _still _think asking McGonagall for permission is a good idea"

"Well, yeah, she's deputy headmistress

"Oh dear, oh dear…" Sirius put his hands to his face in grave disappointment. "And who is her boss?"

"Dumbledore"

"Right!"

"Dumbledore is too busy for this"

"Uhm, no. But you know what he is?" Sirius tilted a hand in a swishy fashion.

"That's just stereotyping"

"So now that you've said that, can we go?"

And so the two left to ask Dumbledore really, really nicely if they could write a nativity musical

A disc with Christmas songs spun on a record player. Although Headmaster Dumbledore's office always was dominated by purple it seemed to become even purpler around Christmas because even the plastic Christmas tree on the desk was purple and purple tinsel sparkled on the curtain rod from which purple star patterned curtains hung. Dumbledore was sitting at his desk drawing with a ruler on a large piece of paper and waved for Sirius and Remus to come in and close the door behind them. He signaled for them to wait and they let him finish whatever it was he was doing. The portraits of former headmasters stuck their noses in the air disdainfully.

"I'll be just…" Dumbledore mumbled, his nose almost touching the paper as he moved the ruler and drew another quick line before putting it aside and straightening up in his chair. "The Hogsmead Bakery has a ginger bread house contest and Minerva dared me to participate. I told her, it's been…" Dumbledore began counting his fingers but gave up. "A really long time since I was in school and it was important to accept dares. But you know, she just called me a chicken...Anyway, so what brings me this pleasure?"

"We want to do a nativity musical" said Sirius

"A nativity _musical_?" Dumbledore clapped his hands joyfully and beamed as if Christmas had come early. "How exciting!"

"But the thing is, professor McGonagall says we can't"

"That _bitch! _Why not?"

"She says we're too late and that we have to write with the drama group" Remus explained.

"But they're amateurs!"

"_I know!"_

Dumbledore leaned back and braided his fingers pensively.

"The nativity story, it's _so… heteronormative, _you know? I've often wanted to write my own musical version, but alas, I lack both time and skill. But I know that if anybody has the balls to write an LGBT nativity musical it is the two of you. So, are you up for the challenge?"

"Sure" said Sirius.

"Where Mary and Joseph is a gay couple"

"Of course, no problem"

"Now wait a minute" said Remus. "I'm all for gay rights, but I think it's kind of essential to the plot that Mary is a woman. Do I really need to explain why?"

"You can if you want"

"Well I don't"

"You're so ignorant" said Sirius. "Surely God can knock up anybody he wants and doesn't let biological restrictions he invented stand in the way"

Dumbledore nodded in agreement.

"The story of the birth of the founder of modern transfiguration is full of magic and wonders. A bit of mpreg would hardly be the craziest part"

"Fair enough" said Remus. "But the thing is, mpreg is gross. There, I said it. It is disgusting"

"Well that is too bad that you find it so disgusting, but that is my demand. You can either take it or leave it"

"Just leave it to me, I'll make it happen" said Sirius and went for the door, his head already bubbling with brilliant ideas.


	2. Fairies

December 2

The clock struck two and professor Malleus who taught Defense Against the Dark Arts locked the door, refusing to let inside anybody who was a second late. Two luminous fairies fluttered inside a glass jar on his desk.

"So" he said and scratched his soul patch, "there are fairies on my desk. What's so scary about fairies, I hear you ask. Nothing if they are bound and gagged. Because these are no ordinary fairies, these are hobby lanterns"

Professor Malleus sighed, as if he didn't really want to teach his class about fairies. It was clear he had little respect for the danger of fairies. Witches sighed over how pretty they were and bemoaned their captivity.

"Oh yes, poor little fairies" said Malleus. "I didn't hear this much whining when I demonstrated the unforgivable curses on that harmless roach. Make no mistake, dark creatures are specialists at deceiving you and are never what they seem.

Professor Malleus reached for a pair of earmuffs and put them on. Then he plucked a fairy from the jar with a pair of tweezers and removed the tiny bit of tape that had kept it gagged. It began to chime like a tiny church bell. A growing mist filled the room and seeped through everybody's ears and provoked a strange urge to follow the sound. Professor Malleus taped the mouth of the hobby lantern and put it back in the glass jar.

"So" he said when everybody was sitting down again. "Who wants to tell me where you can find hobby lanterns. Goody?"

Miss Goody always stood up when she answered a question.

"In forests, near wetlands"

"Exactly. They lure you to their wetlands with their pretty lights and pretty sound while your head fills up with water and drowns your brain. That's why the best defense is prevention. Always bring earmuffs when you're out in the forest hiking or mushrooming. But suppose you get lost in the forest and you forgot your earmuffs. What can you do to seize the control of your mind? Yes Goody?"

"Well, I was thinking, if hobby lanterns try to lure you to a bog so they can drown you, maybe… Maybe if you think about your favourite place in the whole world"

Malleus just stared at her as if she was stupid until she sat down again, blushing.

"No. You don't think about 'your favourite place in the whole world'. You think about the catchiest song you know. You have to drown out the sound, don't you? Me, I always use _I am Henry VIII I am _by the _Herman Hermits. _The incantation is _Obscurus. _Allow me to demonstrate. Put your earmuffs on_" _

When everybody was wearing their earmuffs Malleus took the fairy from jar again and released it once more from its bound and gagged state. It fluttered its wings and moved its lips up and down. Malleus shut his eyes, mouthing the words to _I am Henry the VIII I am _before casting the Obscurus charm. The charm manifested in a long, black string that wrapped around the fairy's neck and strangled it until its light went out and it dropped down dead. He signaled for the students to take off their earmuffs.

"As you can see there is just one more lantern. There were more but professor Slughorn needed their wings and toes fresh. Maybe some other time you can all have a go, but it is important to seek medical attention within 48 hours after encountering a lantern"

He put the dead lantern in a black, plastic bag and threw it in his briefcase. Then he told his class what pages to read and what exercises to do from the book while the living lantern inside the jar was passed around so everybody could have a closer look.

"So, have you started working on that musical?" James asked.

"No" said Sirius and ripped out a blank page from his note book. "I'm going to start right now"

He started by writing the title on the top of the paper.

"_An LGBT Nativity Musical_?" James read. "Why?"

"Dumbledore's orders"

"Maybe we should just forget about it" said Remus. "An LGBT Nativity Musical just sounds like something that could easily become tasteless and offensive"

"What are you saying, Moony? Are LGBT people tasteless and offensive?"

"No, I'm saying you are tasteless and offensive"

"But it's _perfect! _First we have the simple stable boy Marius"

Sirius scribbled down 'Marius' in large letters and encircled it. "Marius is a frigid MtoF middle eastern chap with womb envy whose greatest wish is for that hunky carpenter Joe to fall in love with him. What do you think of that, Prongs?"

James just stared at the encircled words 'MtoF' and 'womb envy' on the paper.

"Why?"

"Dumbledore requested a gay couple because he think the original version is too heteronormative"

"So make them two chicks, that would make more sense"

"It has to be two blokes and sense is not an issue when there is divine intervention"

"But… I don't know, mpreg? That is kind of… ew"

"Pregnancy is a… natural and beautiful-"

"Not mpreg. Mpreg is 'ew'"

"Oh come on, the actor will only have a cushion under his toga, it won't be more 'ew' than that"

"But what if they adopt?" Remus asked.

Sirius put down his pen. "How about _no_, Mr. 'Essential to the plot'? I don't care how 'ew' you find mpreg, this way is more true to the original canon"

"What 'plot'? The plot called and wants its plot back! Mary is pretty much the only chick in the bible who isn't made of sin and fail. If I was a woman I'd be pretty peeved if they took that away"

"Marius is _also _a woman! On the _inside! _Oh you object, but I know you secretly like it_"_

Instead of dignifying that with a response, Remus bagged the jar with the lantern discretely when it reached their desks and continued to scribble in the margins of _Kill It With Fire. _

"So" said James. "Are you going to make the angel a transvestite?"

"Of course" said Sirius and made a quick note of it.

"Can angels be transvestites, if they have no genders?" Remus asked.

"There you go again, with your 'logic' and 'sense'! Stop it! Stop it now!"

"I forgot we were going for nonsense"

"You know what else is nonsense? Death by being tied to a fence with ribbons!"

"That's _different. _Godspell is a very conceptual musical, and what would an angel transvestite wear anyway?"

"Women's dresses, of course"

"But angels already wear dresses" James pointed out. Sirius closed his notebook.

"Can't the two of you just go somewhere and form some Pro-Literal-Anti-Mpreg Club and leave the art to me?"

The lantern reached their desks. Remus bagged it discretely and knocked one of his empty jars off the table and started crawling around on the floor, pretending to look for an escaped lantern until Malleus shouted for everybody to put their earmuffs on and leave the classroom.


	3. Award Winning Stuff

December 3

The Hogwarts Drama Club was a stubborn bunch that always acted like they owned the drama room and refused to leave even when they were told to get the hell out, please. But their stubbornness was no match for Sirius's stubbornness. When asking nicely if they could sod off already hadn't done the trick, he had simply fetched the hobby lantern from the dorm as well as a pair of earmuffs and released it inside the drama room. The chiming was just as efficient as a fire alarm and the drama club had rushed out collectively singing _I am Henry the VIII I am. _

After capturing the lantern Sirius went directly to the piano while James sat down on the side of the stage and looked though a quidditch magazine.

"_I'm a simple herding girl, the name is Marius, I wish it was Jenny" _Sirius sung upbeat and tried a B flat

James turned a paged.

"'Jenny'?"

"_I'm just like any other girl, except there's a part where there shouldn't be any"_

The door opened and Remus entered, straight from the library judging by the stack of books he had with him and the fact that if he wasn't in the library he was probably going to the library or coming from the library. He got up on stage with Peter tailing after. James put down the magazine.

"I've been wondering about the part with the gifts" he said. "It doesn't do anything for the plot, but maybe it never did coming to think of it"

Sirius paused the playing to scribbled down the brilliant first lines of the budding opening number.

"I agree complete and that's why I thought that instead of three wise men they can be three wise reconstructive surgeons"

Remus was struggling to zip his bag after having crammed all the books inside as well as the jar with the nicked lantern.

"Ok, I'm really not trying to be nitpicky"

"You're not?"

"But reconstructive surgery on intersex messiah? Are you sure?"

"Why not? Have you ever heard of anybody wanting to be intersex?"

"No, but… if you can imagine it… It just doesn't seem very in line with the message, to be forced to be one thing or the other"

"Alright. How about this? The three wise reconstructive surgeons arrive at the stable and bring forth a scalpel, some thread and some hormones. Then the transvestite angel intervenes and tells Jenny to reject their offer"

It was tasteless, it was offensive, it was cheap. And so, so brilliant.


	4. The Audition

December 4

The word about the LGBT Nativity Musical spread like a forest fire and the positive reactions were the only reactions worth paying attention to. The script and songs were after intense writing sessions as good as finished. It was time to seek an actor for the part of Marius and a surprising number of boys came to the drama room to test their luck. The aspiring performers were called in alphabetical order to the judges and they were so nervous they were practically shaking. An Addison had just been rejected on the accounts of not even singing well enough to be a donkey's backside and a Banner was called up next.

"Ok sing something go on then" said Sirius and seemed more interested in watching the list of names shrink than the person before him.

"_I don't know how to love him, I don't know how the words go-"_

"Cut! Berry"

Berry sported a baggy hat that he removed to show respect and fiddled with it as he filled his lungs with air.

"_I dreamed a dream of time gone byyyy!"_

"Cut! Bigley"

Bigley wore very thick layers of powder and lipstick and looked like a classy mime in his top hat and sparkly vest. He stuck a cane under his arm and lifted his hat, grinning widely.

"_Money makes the world go round, world go round-"_

"_Next!"_

But Bigley didn't move one inch. "_One! Singular sensation, every little step she takes-"_

"I said _cut!"_

"You said next. _One! Thrilling combination, every move that she makes-"_

"Can I see that cane?"

Bigley got the hint and got off the stage. Crilly didn't sing but he could tap dance. Everly could neither sing nor dance. Sirius signaled for Peter, who was on standby with a percolator, to refill his mug of coffee.

"I kind of liked Bigley" said James.

"Well, let's see what you think of Steve. Ferguson!"

"Steve?"

Steve was very average in a very average way, remarkably unremarkable and had nothing in particular about him that made him stand out, which made him fit to play quidditch but unfit to perform on stage. He cleared his throat a couple of times.

"_I closed my eyes, drew back the curtain, to see for certain, what I thought I knew"_

"Eh" said Remus and yawned.

"Cut. Next" Sirius agreed.

"What if I do another song, that one is a bit 'eh'" Steve asked.

"I wouldn't have thought this of you, Steve" said James. "That's what I like about don't ask don't tell. Makes things surprising"

"Just because a bloke does musicals does it mean he's gay" said Remus.

"It does most of the time"

"_Day by day, day by day, oh dear lord, three things I pray" _Steve tried.

"Cut. Sorry" said Sirius.

"Please. One more song?"

"No. We don't have time for this"

"I had no idea you felt so strongly about theater" said James.

Steve sighed. "I don't, really. I mean, I saw the information on the notice board and thought it would be fun to try. It's just that… To be honest…" Steve glanced at the group of spectators below the stage and lowered his voice. "I need to get away from Simon"

"What are you boyfriends?" Sirius asked.

"_No! _"

"Why else would you want to get away from someone?"

"It's just… We dorm together, we do quidditch together, there's no part of the day we don't spend together. And that was fine, but he has been so insufferable lately. Through no fault of his own, but still…" He looked James pleadingly. "Please? You know what I'm talking about. I just need to do one thing that he doesn't do, for away time. And I thought, if I did this musical, he would think I was gay and avoid me for that reason because he is a little bigoted and narcissistic like that"

James looked to Sirius who sat bent over his left hand painting white cats on black polish with a very thin brush.

"Can you do something more _showy _and _theatrical?" _he asked and folded the list of names and used it to fan his newly painted nails.

"Ok, sure!" said Steve and was allowed a moment to pick a song. "_So you're Jesus Christ, you're the great Jesus Christ! Turn the water into bread, walk across the swimming pool, hm hm hm hm, da da da da da da "_

He kept humming while he did the dance from the movie. Quidditch players were astonishingly bad at dancing, but perhaps that was because they weren't used to advanced leg work.

"Eh, I'm sure you can be a donkey or something"

"Thank you! Thank you!" Steve ran off the stage. A reject shouted about also wanting to be a donkey. Another ten or so more donkeys where elected but no Marius although it was almost lunch. They reached the letter L and Roy came up along with fellow blond Ravenclaw Xeno.

"We want to do a number together" said Roy and the two received a silent lack of objection. Roy slapped himself across the face a couple of times to keep himself from giggling uncontrollably before he could start.

"_Don't go breaking my heart"_

_"__I couldn't if I tried"_

Although that was a great song, the judges were pretty sick of every duo choosing it as their audition song. But Roy really made it his own and he had it all; the look, the talent, general star quality, he just had 'it.


	5. The Missing Gourd

December 5

The musical was coming together wonderfully. The cardboard stable from last year had been assembled and the crib stuffed with straw. Most of the cast and crew had yet to return from the lunch break. Sirius sat at the piano tweaking the arrangement of one of the ballads and James was testing out his new straw brush on his Plough 0106 while every so often offering his opinion. The cast and crew started returning in small groups slowly but surely, and among them was Goody who brought forth a much awaited prop; a fresh gourd wrapped in a blanket.

"We worked really hard on that" she said and gave it to Sirius, who felt its weight and juggled with it a little. Goody untied her paint stained apron.

"So be careful-" Splat.

A house elf popped out of a cloud with a mop and bucket and began cleaning up the mashed gourd while Goody rushed to get a copy. She returned within minutes and disappeared again after the second delivery, and Peter arrived with ginger ales shortly after. Sirius juggled the second gourd with more care.

"Maybe we should put it someplace safe" said James. "To protect it from sabotage"

"It's a gourd"

"I know but somebody might want to sabotage it to keep it from achieving its divine purpose of being a gourd in a nativity musical"

"There are other gourds"  
>"I just think that's a nice gourd and I thought you cared about nice props but maybe you don't"<p>

"Fine" Sirius put down the gourd beside him on the piano stool. Roy and Xeno came out from backstage and stopped by the sheep cut outs to fight over hair flair.

"I must have the hair flair I'm the star!" Roy insisted.

"It's meant for me I'm the angel! Don't make me whip out the nargles!"

"Don't make _me _whip out the tooth pixies!"

They began to pull each other's hair. James couldn't understand why school plays always made everybody so dramatic and scheming and lost interest in watching them.

"Where's the gourd?" Sirius asked.

James looked inside the piano and under the piano.

"How could it have disappeared?" Peter asked.

"Maybe Goody needed to fix it" James suggested.

"Then why didn't she say anything?" Sirius got off the stool and the three found Goody just outside the drama room.

"Where's the gourd?" Sirius asked her.

Goody turned back to make a new gourd from some left over papier mache.

"Or, you know what else would work?" said Peter. "A shoe in a blanket"

Sirius searched his pockets for cigarettes and stuck one in his mouth.

"Explain"

"You take a shoe-"

"Not you"

"The point is" said James. "that some git stole our gourd. He needs to be punished"

But just who would steal their gourd, they wondered as they looked out the window at the pretty and expanding moon.


	6. Fletcher

December 6

The burgundy curtains in the dorm were closed because views were overrated anyway. It was just after two in the afternoon and already dark. Sirius was lying on his bed, prioritizing crosswords over independent transfigurations studies because he was planning to do the latter later anyway, to the soundtrack of James still trying to figure out how the straw brush worked and the strange sounds Peter emitted from the strain of trying to make a feather levitate. The blank parchment on the wall started blinking in yellow and the door creaked open shortly after, with Fletcher peeking through the gap.

"Oh" he said when he saw that the dorm wasn't empty. "Wrong door"

"What did you want to steal this time?" Sirius asked.

"My grandmother's wedding rings. You know how long she spent roaming Gringotts for those? She nearly starved to death! And her arm never fully recovered after the goblins seized her"

Still at the door, Fletcher scanned the dorm, mumbling under his breath about 'it' and where 'it' could be. James removed some of the straw that had gotten stuck in the brush and threw it in the bin.

"Where is what?"

"I really have to hand it to you this time" said Fletcher. "I have _searched _for that blasted gourd allover and I just can't find it anywhere! I'm a disgrace!" He sunk down on the floor miserably.

"Do you know what's in it?" James asked.

"You mean you don't?" Fletcher snorted. "You Gryffindors, you can't even find a triangle on a pyramid"  
>"So what's in it?" Sirius asked. "Although since you want it it's probably drugs"<p>

Fletcher got back up on his feet and gave the dorm another brief scanning.

"You really don't have it? I was really hoping I wouldn't have to search the Slytherin dorms"  
>"It's not there either" said James.<p>

"You Gryffindors, you can't even find a square on a chessboard"  
>"But we did find the Excalibur, a map to Atlantis and a mill that produces gold. The gourd has left the building, it's the only explanation"<p>

Fletcher's gaze fell upon the glimmering sword on top of other glimmering items on the writing desk.

"So, drugs?" Sirius asked.

"I don't import drugs, I sell it" said Fletcher. "And it's not 'drugs'; it's recreational substances. I export worldwide to all sorts of people. There are these dwarf brothers in South Africa that asked if they could craft me something as payment and I thought why not? They once crafted a very famous and powerful hammer and afterwards they were plagued by requests for identical hammers. So they moved from Ear Fell to South Africa to start over and just smith ordinary things. They told me all this and I promised to keep it secret. The question was how to smuggle it and I thought I was really clever when I suggested they stick it inside a gourd and send it with the crate of gourds Hogwarts had ordered from Cape Town and that was going to be delivered in just a couple of days. But someone must have found out what was inside"

Fletcher turned around and slammed his head against the door.

"I feel like such an idiot!"

"If you told us you must have told others" said James.

Fletcher rubbed the bump on his forehead.

"Well I might have mentioned it to a couple of people. Not to any dark wizards, mind you! Just Frank, Aurora, Dolores, but you know, they're in the hide and seek club, they can be trusted"

"You really don't know the meaning of keeping a secret, do you?"

"Well excuse me if I don't believe in total secrecy! Why must we always be so secretive all the time? Just because the press likes to blow things out of proportion doesn't mean death eaters really are lurking behind every corner! And what would a dark wizard want with a powerful hammer? Come on!"

Fletcher gave the dorm one last scanning before leaving to continue his search for the missing gourd.


	7. Care of Magical Creatures

December 7

The stainless steel teaspoon felt cold against the cheek. The squiggly relief pattern on the slightly toil-worn snitch was sure to form an imprint on James's palm. Even the flying little gold ball with the limp wings was knackered on this particularly cold morning. A random selection of meaningless and non-related images as chosen by his subconscious flashed before his eyes as the pleasant veil of slumber slowly coated him in its warm embrace.

There was a light but firm tap on his right shoulder. His sleep deprived being was immediately and cruelly jerked from the pleasant cocoon of incipient dreams to the world of boring reality and broken heating. He pulled himself to a sitting position at the clearing breakfast table and watched a blurry Sirius receive a more persistent variety of the same treatment from Professor McGonagall. But Sirius slept so heavily that no amount of pushing could wake him and if professor McGonagall treated him any more roughly she risked crossing into corporal punishment territory and a lawsuit. James put on his glasses and pulled up Sirius's head by a fistful of his hair and pinched him in the nose and waited or his drowning-dream to kick in. The effect was instant. Sirius coughed and gasped for air before his eyes flew up. He bore an expression of mixed fury and confusion and professor McGonagall continued waking sleeping stragglers and ushering waken ones out of the Great Hall, stopping by Simon and Steve a couple of seats down to tell them class started in five minutes.

James looked around. "Has Wormtail already left?"

"It would seem so you can let go of my hair now" said Sirius.

James did so and fondled the snitch while listening to the conversation that Steve and Simon were having.

"I mean" said Simon, visibly encumbered and sporting an eye-patch. "It's just so difficult being chosen. All the pressure, angst and death, it's so difficult, not to mention the whole coming-of-age aspect, romantic drama and difficulty of keeping a girlfriend"

Simon cupped his cheek and Steve patted him sympathetically on the back.

"There's just no pleasing some people" said James and reached for his mug of coffee and was disappointed to find it empty.

"I know" said Sirius and bent over his copy of the musical script and started doodling all over the pages. "I mean, maybe if you weren't such a slow poke so many wouldn't have to die"

James listened to the conversation some more as if it was a radio he couldn't be bothered to turn off as the invisible forces started tugging at his eye lids again.

"And the packing" Simon went on. "How do I pack for my journey to the Mountain where I have to seal the shackles with this artifact I was given to keep You-Know-Who from unleashing the weapon?"

"Did you look at the list I made you?" Steve asked and Simon started throwing a tantrum about how Steve was 'missing the point' and Steve excused himself, saying he had to go and get fit for a donkey costume. Simon heaved a sigh over his loneliness. Suddenly James was wide awake and he and Sirius left their chairs to go and pull out the empty seats beside Simon.

"Hi Simon!" James tried to project a friendly smile to ease the apprehension Simon had been afflicted with since James had yelled at him for attracting magpies with the studded eye patch he had been wearing at quidditch practice the other week. "You got a new eye patch, great. Say, have you heard of…" And like many times before had James started talking before he had worked out just what to say. He searched his mind, not sure what he was looking for but thankfully Sirius did.

"Consultants!" he said. "You know when you're chosen to do a bunch of stuff but really don't want to? Well, why not let consultants take care of it _for _you! With consultants you can put _yourself_ first!"

"First quest is free" said James.

"The first ten days"

"I don't know" said Simon, sticking his hand in his pocket. "There's this prophecy, my cats died and then the milkman, it's sort of personal. I didn't choose this. You-know-who chose me. I am a chosen one, not a choosing one"

"Chosens _can _be choosers" said Sirius.

Although Simon probably had something perfectly innocent in his pocket, watching him fondle it was still disturbing. James wondered if there was any chance it was that artifact he had mentioned before and studied it discretely for odd shapes, refusing to be bothered by Sirius's judgmental frown.

"You know, I'm a seeker" said Simon.

James lost interest in the fondling which was only starting to grate on him, much like Simon's new eye-patch.

"I know, Simon" he said. "And I'm not entirely sure this mood these recent events have put you in really brings out your best. You've started falling a lot"

"It's like a metaphor for my life. I'm always seeking things. If it's not artifacts it's a girlfriend"

James ripped off the eye patch and threw it over his shoulder. "Stop jeopardizing your depth perception!"

"I won't need depth perception where I'm going" said Simon airily. "Which is death. At some point. But first it's life"

Sirius had left his chair for a moment to pick up the eye patch. He adjusted the ribbon behind his ears as he sat down again.

"Look, if we seal the shackles in your place Voldemort will turn his attention on us and forget about you. And then we'll shackle him up too while we're at it. And if you want Janine to like you try to disappear mysteriously for a couple of days every once in a while. You got the angst part down so that's good"

"Thanks. It's difficult to know if you're overdoing it sometimes"

"So how about that artifact you need for the sealing?" said James.

After a brief moment of hesitation Simon took from his pocket a thin bronze chain and placed it on the table next to his half finished muesli before leaving to attend potions class. James picked it up and watched it dangle before him, wondering just how such a thin chain could seal any shackles and a little concerned it was only a part of the artifact.

"So the play is on the 17th" said Sirius. "That gives us ten days to find the gourd"

"Right. But suppose the gourd thief is taking it to the mountain. We don't know when. Maybe he has already left, maybe he's already there"

"He's doing it for a megalomaniac loony and what do megalomaniac loonies hate? Yule"

"That is true."

James clumped the chain and pocketed it before he and Sirius left to compare means of transportation to the mountain. Or rather, they were just going to take a quick little power nap in half finished porridge bowls, _then _go and compare means of transportation to the mountain.

Care of magical creatures class was held in an old barn that used to contain chickens back when Hogwarts was still self-sufficient and didn't depend on the funding of shady corporations, the most notable one being Elf Assist Ltd., and rich parents. Now nothing lived in the stalls and cages that had once contained cows and poultry and were now unoccupied when it didn't serve as a temporary home for guests from the Hogsmead zoo.

James turned his coat collar up. Although they weren't technically outside it was extremely cold inside the barn but much like professor Saddist who taught physical education was professor Grubbly of the opinion that if it wasn't snowing it wasn't abuse.

Professor Grubby took off her wooly mittens and plucked two blank sheets of paper from a stack on a wobbly table and fed them to a pair of leashed winged goats.

"The primary diet of a winged goat consists mainly of paper" she said. "Preferably unwritten paper with rough surfaces because ink upsets their stomachs"

The goats crunched on their sheets in no particular hurry and professor Grubbly put on their harnesses while they did so. Then she went to fetch a sleigh from the corner and attached the leashes to the pulling rods.

"Winged goats are great for flying long distances. You're all familiar with the Great Yule Goat, of course, who lives up in the Ear Fell Mountain and delivers straw figures in his golden sleigh pulled by two winged goats to all children in the western world that eat their vegetables. But of course you're all too old to believe in him now, but the legend was inspired by a Saint Goth who bound straw figures and gave them to the homeless"

When the goats had finished crunching on their sheets professor Grubbly led them out of the barn by their collars and waited for her teeth clattering and leg shaking class to group around her.

"Ok then" she said. "Who wants to go first? How about you?"

She opened the doors to the sleigh for a couple of frostbitten girls and showed the one in the driver's seat how to maneuver the leashes. Then she gave both goats a lashing with her whip so they'd spread their wings and take off. Then she put a hand to her mouth.

"Shit I forgot to tell them to put on their seat belts!"

"'Put on seat belts'" Peter mumbled as he added it to his notes.

When the goats landed again after a quick tour around the grounds the witches were stiffer than mannequins and had icicles up their noses.

"Let me borrow your notes" said Sirius and took the notebook from Peter and ripped out a couple of pages. He gave roughly half of them to James and together they went to feed them to the goats while Grubbly tried to figure out how to put the seat belts on the second group of sleigh riders. The goats seemed to have an insatiable appetite for paper. James had already fed his goat four sheets when it suddenly started bleating and threw up all over one of professor Grubbly's boots. Sirius's goat covered the other one.

"_What _did you do?" Grubbly asked, glowering.

Sirius took a half eaten sheet out of the mouth of his goat.

"Wait. You were _not _supposed to feed them ink"

A vein swelled on Grubbly's forehead.

"Why would you do that when I specifically told you not to? Argh, sometimes I just don't know what to do with you! Detention! Detention-"

"Please not tomorrow I have quidditch" said James.

"That's right, tomorrow! Tomorrow night-"

"Not the sled shed! Anywhere but the sled shed!" said Sirius, trying to free his sleeve from the gluttonous goat.

"That's right the sled shed!"

Professor Grubbly sent the next batch of sleigh riders off and searched her coat pockets for a package of handkerchiefs and began wiping undigested paper off her boots.


	8. The Wolverhampton Monster

December 8

Professor Malleus showed a lot more interest talking about powerful objects than he had done talking about fairies. He was generally appreciated by students and staff alike for being informative and direct and had a way of sounding like he knew what he was talking about but Sirius didn't share this appreciation for whenever he bothered to tune in between distractions all he heard was twaddle.

"Sometimes magic just isn't enough" said Professor Malleus and put down the demon slaying sword he had borrowed from the Department of Epic Weapons. After the incident with the broken glass jar and the escaped hobby lantern last week he had stopped letting this particular class touch anything.

"Sometimes you have to use powerful tools or weapons to break powerful, dark magic. Often they are swords, such as the Methuselah here or the more famous Excalibur. But they can also be hammers and axes. Hammers and axes are used to break powerful boundaries and barriers such as shackles and chains. It's very common to capture and bind powerful Dark Creatures, most notably werewolves, with shackles and chains because they are immune to most magic. I personally don't understand why. There are good ways to kill them. You all know the stake-through-the-heart method, yes? Silver bullets are also good, great for prolonging the suffering and high fatality rate"

Sirius uncapped a bottle of black nail polish and began to paint some eyes on a zucchini he had found in the kitchen vegetable drawers. A shoe in a blanket would have been fine but did, according to Roy, simply not 'feel divine'.

Painting the mouth was trickier. Should the gourd smile or frown, cry or laugh or be completely neutral? This very difficult decision he had to make was not made easier by his inability to tune out professor Malleus's witless rehash. What did this even have to do with epic weapons?

"_I _personally advocate exterminating them all for good" said professor Malleus and the class chuckled in agreement. Sirius chuckled too when he remembered the surprise he had left in professor Malleus's loo.

"But really" he went on. "There are some pro-lifers out there that believe they should 'suffer for their crimes' and be 'available for research and information'. I mean, research and information for what? If we kill them all we won't need them for research and information! But, apparently not everybody realizes that. But then, they haven't seen what I've seen…"

He paused in his hateful rallying to glance out the window for effect, or because it was snowing or perhaps for both reasons. "You're all probably too young to remember the Wolverhampton Monster. I was still a hunter back then and I helped binding him under a Mountain. It took us ten grown wizards and cost us three lives. It was my last catch before I had to retire. That monster kidnapped and killed a total of twelve boys and girls and I had to bind him when I wanted to kill him ten times over while he went into great detail about how he found them and lured them! God I hate them all but the Wolverhampton Monster certainly takes the cake and he is still alive, shackled under a mountain and all it takes is one nutcase with a powerful hammer and he walks free just because a couple of mollycoddlers want to 'prolong the suffering'! What about the relatives, huh? What about _their _suffering? Excuse me I got something in my eye…" Malleus dried his eyes a little with his sleeves and went to the door. "Werewolves really sicken me, that's all. I hope they all go to hell" He pushed himself through the door, leaving the classroom dead silent. Clearly Sirius wasn't alone in wondering what could have triggered this sudden and emotionally loaded tirade that was completely unrelated to the subject they were supposed to be covering. He glanced at Remus who seemed to have frozen in his bent position over his ancient runes homework.

"Do you still want me to take the kappa out of his toilet?"

Remus flinched and stared at him. Sirius expected him to start hammering about the general wrongness of putting murderous and rowdy river imps in lavatories and using his research objects as common playthings again. But his tense expression softened and he started bunching his things together as if to leave even though class was far from over.

"The library. It's calling me" he said and left.

James took the mouth-less gourd and the nail polish from Sirius.

"Does the library have old newspapers?" he asked.

"You think whoever took the hammer is going to unleash Wolverhampton Monster? That's a bit coincidental and we don't even know if he is the monster"

"Is it? Maybe there's been something in the news that put Malleus in this funny mood"

"If there had been anything in the news about a powerful hammer we would have noticed"

James shrugged. "He used to be a hunter. Maybe he's heard things in his hunter circles. If a powerful megalomaniac nut job with enough money doesn't want the news to get out it won't. But we still know because Fletch blabs"

James painted a happy smile on the cucumber to Sirius's silent chagrin. Since Malleus seemed to be taking his time they saw no reason to wait for him to pick up the piffle where he had left off and thought checking if the library had old news papers would be a better use of their time.

Madam Pince dumped a stack of magazines dating from late December 1963 to mid June 1964 on the counter. Sirius brought it to the nearest table and pinched the topmost issue. He didn't really look through it for any reason other than curiosity for when it came to the quest they had all the information they needed, but he was curious to see if any of the magazines could confirm the suspicion that the Ear Fell monster was in fact the Wolverhampton Monster. He browsed to the page of interest but the page of interests contained only a small article and revealed very little because very little had been known at the time of writing it. He tossed it away and pinched another. He and James were apart from Pince alone in the library at this hour. Not even Remus was here. As Sirius kept browsing magazines that became increasingly more informative and dramatic with every passing date and wondered if Remus had been lying or if he had simply been occupied he finally showed up. His eyes fell upon the stack of magazines with dramatic uppercase headlines as if he had come for them too.

"Oh" he said, his tone just a little bit spiced with annoyance as if he thought they were prying in things that didn't concern them again and if he did think that he was only half right and making research more interesting.

"Did you come for these too?" James asked.

"No. I came for…" Remus pulled out _Nancy Drew : The Hidden Staircase _at random and read the back of it. Sirius tossed yet another magazine aside and browsed the entire stack until he found one that bore the headline _The Wolverhampton Monster Captured _over a shiver inducing photograph on the cover. The story occupied several pages and featured interviews with witnesses, dependants, aurors and hunters, one of them being Malleus. Just where the monster had been bound was not revealed because, according to Malleus, crazy women might want to send perfumed letters. He did have a point.

"Do you want to look at the photo?" Sirius asked.

"No" said Remus, apparently finding Nancy Drew's adventures a lot more interesting.

"Why not?"

"Why would I?"

It was plain to see that Remus tried to act more unbothered than he really was. His discomfort was so obvious that it was surprising he hadn't fled yet, but that was probably because of the act and also because he was already in the library. And perhaps _Nancy Drew _was better than he had expected it to be because he was already a few pages into the book and he wasn't just pretending to read, his eyes did actually move and he kept turning pages.

"You might recognize him"  
>"There are a million reasons why somebody would want a powerful hammer. Somebody probably just wants to make money off of it. It's not the same person. Everybody died"<p>

"'_Heaps of mums are _not _eager to report their werewolf children to the press.'_ How _very _strange…"

Remus put down Nancy Drew.

"Seriously, would it kill you to show some discretion?"_  
><em>"Seriously would it kill you to loosen up?"

"Yes it could"

Suddenly Malleus joined the little gathering.

"Class isn't over. What are you all doing here?" he asked them.

"Just talking about you-know-what" said Sirius, well aware that no sharp cornered books would hit him in the head while there were professors present.

"We just got really interested in the Wolverhampton Monster" said James. "And wanted to know more. Quickly"

"Oh" said Malleus. "I didn't mean to let my emotions get the better of me, but there really isn't much more to know. It's all pretty self-explanatory"

"Yes, but we were thinking… Because you brought it up, we were wondering if there has been anything in the news about anybody wanting to unleash him or… powerful weapons…"

"In the news? Hardly. But weapons like that are hard to come by and You Know Who has certainly waited to get his hands on one. And now there are rumours of a hammer… It's probably just rumours, but if it's not, Yule has certainly come early for him. Come on now"

Malleus ripped a mistletoe from the door frame on his way out. James folded his magazine and tossed it on top of the stack.

"So we're leaving for Ear Fell tonight" he said.

"Why?" Remus asked.

"To get the gourd back in time for the nativity play"

"You don't even have any evidence that anybody is bringing it to Ear Fell and you certainly don't know when"

"We know megalomaniacs hate Yule" said Sirius pulling down a garland from the curtain rod and wrapping it around his neck because he was feeling a little cold.

"Ok. Don't you think whoever has the gourd will leave after the holiday has started to attract less attention?"

Sirius had indeed not thought that, but it did seem illogical to go early if the plan was to unleash the weapon on Christmas Eve, but the gourd wasn't at Hogwarts and where else could it be?

"Ok how about this?" said James. "Say we leave and we let everybody know that we're leaving and what our intentions are. Then whoever has the gourd will hear of this and will try to get there before us. Then he can't wait for the holidays"

"That is foolproof"

Remus seemed to consider the plan.

"If you bring a megaphone and shout out your geographic coordinates that will speed things up even more" he said. "And you should paint score boards on your foreheads so they know it's you they're after"

"Sarcasm? Really?" said Sirius. "Maybe you should spend a little less time pointing out flaws and a little more time fixing them"

"When there's a hole in a plan you don't 'fix it'. You get a new one" Remus stuck a scrap of paper in Nancy Drew and put it back in the shelf

"So come up with a new plan then"

"Ok. Get another gourd"

"That's not a new plan" Sirius whipped the cucumber out of his pocket and tried to scrape the smiley face off. "That's quitting. Shame you didn't get to see the gourd but it was a nice gourd"

"Well, sometimes nice things are taken. Sometimes you just have to move on" Remus took the garland off Sirius and put it back up on the curtain rod. Then he searched for another excuse to deliberately delay himself. Sirius brushed flakes of nail polish off the cucumber. Then everything suddenly cleared up.

"Oh" he said.

"'Oh' what?"

"I really thought you were implying that we'd have to be fools to think we can take on a bunch Death Eaters"

"I don't imply that I say it to your face" Remus hopped down from the table and started pushing books that weren't pushed in enough further in.

"Moving on is not the same as giving up"

"It's not giving up if it's letting go"

"I didn't think the gourd was that nice" said Peter.

Sirius hadn't even noticed him show up and neither had James nor Remus judging by their surprised reactions.

"Malleus told me to tell you to get back to class" Peter explained.

"Tell him we're having an escaped garland situation" said James, taking down the garland and putting it on top of the stack of magazines. Peter nodded to show he had understood.

"Ok. But we haven't actually started yet because he went to his office to get our exam results"

Then he left to carry out the instructions.

"The point is" said Sirius. "It doesn't matter if it was a nice gourd or not. It was our gourd. It was a part of me and it was taken. I need to find the gourd to get closure so I can move on. If I don't know what happened to it I will always wonder"  
>Remus picked up the garland and rolled it together tiredly. "I'm not trying to stop you from finding the gourd I just don't think you will. Or recommend that you bruit around your location and destination while you do it"<p>

"But I owe it to myself to try"

"Ok. Good luck" Remus looked at his wristwatch. Then he continued pushing books deeper into their shelves.

"It will be scary but at least I'm not going alone"

"Good"

"And even if I don't find the gourd" said Sirius. "perhaps the journey will help me accept myself as gourd-less"

"Are you trying to say something?"

"What do you think I'm trying to say? Why would you even ask?"

"I have no clue. Your pride issues and boredom issues are why you want the gourd"  
>"How is it a pride issue?"<p>

"The gourd has no value in itself. You just want to… teach people not to steal from you or something"

"_How _is that a bad thing?"

"It's ridiculous because it's a gourd and it wasn't even your gourd because all props belong to the school"

James reached for the stack of magazines and brought them on the check-out counter.

"We don't just want the gourd back" he said when he returned. "We also kind of promised Simon we'd seal these shackles, so… We're going by sleigh. That way I can drive and Padfoot can tell me what direction to go but the position to shout out our coordinates to the enemy is still free"

Remus fumbled with the garland.

"I do have this hobby lantern to free…" he said.

Suddenly Malleus was back and this time in the company of McGonagall, both looking enraged. McGonagall was carrying a large, plastic container full of water and inside was some kind of humanoid amphibian that could barely fit inside of it.

"Care to explain what a kappa is doing on Hogwarts grounds?"

Remus just stared at the plastic container, unable to come up with a response. Sirius thought it was unfair of McGonagall to ask what a kappa was doing on Hogwarts grounds and not what it was doing in professor Malleus's loo, but maybe she had already figured out that part.

"I have been _so _patient with you!" said McGonagall. "I just cannot understand why you still insist on keeping these things as pets-"

"They're not _pets"_ said Remus almost inaudibly.

"That doesn't make it ok" McGonagall searched her robe pockets for a pair of dice. She tossed them on the table. "630 points. Detention-"

"Not tonight in the sled shed I have book club"

"That's right tonight in the sled shed!"

Then McGonagall directed her fury at Sirius next, rightly assuming he wasn't without sin, but his detention in the greenhouse would have to wait until the weekend since he was already booked for the night by Grubbly.

The sky was beautifully starry and the wind felt like sandpaper against the face. As the keeper of maps on this night Sirius kept a watchful eye for unexpected or sudden disappearances.

"Any sign of a race yet?" James asked.

"Moran is moving really fast" Sirius watched the little dot increase its pace.

"Moran? I should have known"

Moran wasn't just moving faster and faster, he was also, judging from the route he was taking, also using the North Star as his guide. But he was so far behind there was no way he'd catch up, nor would he be able to see the sleigh because of the invisibility runes. Runes; what a great way to alter the properties of any object. Too bad for Moran he always skived ancient runes class. When he had disappeared from Scrappy altogether Sirius switched to a map of Wizard's Europe (The magical world was pretty sexist and some extreme feminists called Europe Witch's Europe but most people just called it Europe)

"I wish this thing had a radio" said James. He held the leashes loosely and let the goats mind their own flying for the most part. The wind whistled, sounding like upbeat accordion music.

"What direction are we going?"

"North" Sirius found the melody oddly familiar.

"Oh" James looked over the sleigh. "When did France move?"

The Eiffel Tower nearly hit Sirius in the face when he looked over his side of the sleigh. Remus, who sat in the back with Peter, reached over Sirius to flip his map around and give him a compass.

"Took you long enough to notice" said Sirius.

"I can't see your map from here"

"Can't you see your compass?"

"I thought you knew where France was"

"For a good finder that's pretty embarrassing that you can't find North on a compass"  
>"I was trying to adjust the wheel to show true north and looked at the wrong arrow…"<p>

"Doesn't make it less embarrassing"

They made a 90 degree turn and now they could see the North Star again.

"How dumb do you have to be to trust Moran with such an important task?" James asked when the flight was steady again.

"The task doesn't seem to be all that difficult" said Sirius.

"I know. And he will _still _fail it. Do you know why? Because he's always doing what I'm doing!"

The sleigh did a hasty turn to the left to avoid being pierced by the icicles from a flock of Icelandic dragons.

"Maybe I should drive then" said Sirius.

"He just can't think for himself and he always follows me around because he is so convinced I'm cheating. He is more obsessed with trying to have his wild theories confirmed than trying to improve his own tactic" Snort. "Mushrooms…"

"Mushrooms?"

"His latest theory is that I'm doing some kind of vision enhancing mushroom that makes the rings appear larger. Like, that's still not helpful if there are a bunch of people in the way. He's so stupid. Once I left a bag of mushroom sides in my locker and didn't close the door. He shrunk to the size of a thumb and somehow I'm the bad guy. McGonagall knows I'd never cheat but oh well"

"All professors are bitches to the establishment, that's just how it is"

"I know. Moran is so obsessed with me it's pathetic. It wouldn't surprise me if he took the plane just because he saw me with Dumbledore's Aruba tickets"

Sirius smirked. "Maybe he's in _luuuuuv"_

"God I hope not"

"Oooh there's the Netherlands maybe it's not too late to stop for cheese after all"

The canals glistened like tinfoil in the night. Gouda was perhaps neither Brie nor Cheddar but it was still Gouda. But the Dutch canals and cheeses faded into the darkness. Because they had no clue how Moran was travelling and where he was they could not afford to be delayed by cheese theft (because the cheese shops were most likely closed at this hour).

Looking at the compass and thinking of cheese, Sirius suddenly heard the faint sound of chiming. Ear plugs were thrown over his shoulder the moment his head started to fog up and he stuck then in his ears. The goats seemed to be unaffected. Looking to see what was going on in the back Sirius saw Remus attempting to bribe the hobby lantern into silence with cloudberry jam but to no avail. Until now it had sat quietly in his cupped mittens but something had wound it up. Sirius reached inside a bag of M&M's in the backseat and offered a yellow bead to the lantern. The lantern stopped its erratic behaviour to examine it. Then it bit into it. Sirius took out his ear plugs and smoothed out the map in his lap.

"You learn something new every day" said Remus.

"What have you learned today?"

"That lanterns like M&M's"

"That is _so _beastist. _Lanterns _don't like M&M's. _Women _like M&M's"

"Not just _women!"_

"Mostly women"

"Then how come it's a boy in the commercial?"

"Because it's targeted to girls"

"No it's targeted to boys that are too messy to handle uncoated chocolate"

"No it's targeted to girls who upon seeing the commercial want to wipe his messy face clean"

"Don't-"

"Women instincts"

"I wonder what caused that sudden fit" said James, pocketing his ear plugs.

"Maybe it's just talky" said Peter. "My aunt has a cat that's really talky. Sometimes it just stares at nothing, all quiet. Then its eyes will become all big and then all of a sudden it attacks for no reason!"

"Maybe Moran isn't taking the plane" said Remus. "Maybe he had some leftover mushroom sides"

Sirius pointed his wand at the darkness behind the sleigh. "_Accio gourd!"_

A gourd swelled to its normal size when it entered the sleigh. Then spells intended to sink them came shooting their way and injured one of the goats.


	9. Cell Block Tango

December 9

The injury had been minor, thankfully. The boys had spent the night on a snow covered island in the sleigh using the map as a blanket. The injured wing had healed over night and by noon the goats were ready to continue the journey. Remus was comparing bogs on a map, wondering why he had come along and if there was any need to hurry anything now that they had the gourd.

"Now that we have the gourd" said Peter, already sitting in the sleigh and fastening his seat belt. "We don't have to do that thing before the 17th"

"No but Moony wants to drop off that lantern" said James, tying the goats to the sleigh while Sirius fed them pages from a notebook.

"It can wait" said Remus. The lantern was snoring in an empty M&M bag so it probably agreed.

"We're halfway there anyway" said Sirius.

"I thought you wanted to use the gourd in the nativity play. You can't if you break it open first"

"There's a thing called glue. Look it up sometime"

When the goats were full Sirius tossed the remaining sheets in the sleigh. At least he still had some Ultra Sticky Super Gum left (a gum that had been taken out of production recently for being too sticky), Remus thought as he got in the backseat.

Finding the entrance to the mountain had been a cakewalk. A dragon in its winter scales was sleeping in chains just outside and although the entrance was hidden, nothing said 'secret entrance' like a random dragon in an iron collar.

"Remember how simple things used to be" said James, rubbing his bare hands in the acrid puffs the dragon exhaled through the nostrils. "You could kill dragons left and right and not worry about pleasing animal right activists"

Sirius cracked an icicle from the mountain and used it to split the gourd in half.

"It's not like we have a choice. If we don't kill it somebody else will" he said and gave the hammer to James, who thread the chain through the loop and hooked the ends together.

"I know. Look, if you want to do it you can do it"

"That's fine, you can do it"

James used the hammer to knock icicles off the mountain.

"There must be some other way"

"Surely if we liberate it from its chains it will be thankful enough not to scorch us"  
>"Or it hates all humans and is extremely hungry"<p>

Sirius threw the gourd halves in the sleigh.

"Shame we need the goats to get back… Unless…"

"If only there was something sticky to seal the jaws with" said Peter. "Like gum or toffee. Then it will want to get it out. It's instinct"

He looked proud of himself for the contribution. Remus closed his box of Ultra Sticky Super Gum discretely. He didn't think there was enough gum left to cause the dragon enough distress anyway, but Sirius took it before he could bag it and poured what remain behind rows of sharp dragon teeth while James kept the jaws open. It hurt a little to watch because now Remus had to go back to Sticky Super Gum which just felt like cotton next to the Ultra Sticky variety.

When there was no gum left to pour James let the jaws close with a snap. Then he swung the hammer against the iron collar. The collar split in two with a bang that woke the dragon. The dragon chewed and chewed and when it became evident it wouldn't be able to scorch any enemies in this condition it spread its wings and flew away. Remus drew the collar halves closer to him on the ground quietly and started kicking snow over them while James and Sirius occupied themselves with searching the wall for inscriptions.

"Secret entrances always have clues" said James.

"Well it's not there" said Sirius and gave the surroundings a quick scan. Then he saw what Remus was up to and looked at him funny. Remus blushed and started uncovering the pieces.

"Look what I found"

Sirius summoned the pieces.

"I know it's scary. But the less you delay everything the sooner we can go home"

Sirius scribbled on the pieces with a felt tip to check them for charms but found none. Now that Remus was out of both M&M's and gum he had to resort to AnxieFix. He swallowed a generous measure from a medium sized bottle with a cod liver oil label.

"Maybe nothing is happening because you broke it instead of unlocking it" he said.

"How could we have unlocked it when we don't have a key?" James asked. "Or did you happen to find one?"

"Maybe you have the key"  
>"Maybe the key" said Sirius and poked James where his heart was. "Is in <em>there"<br>_"I'm not letting you cut me open for a lowlife monster"

Remus took the hammer and unscrewed the iron loop, pulled out a key and returned both items. James stuck the key in the collar piece with the keyhole. They ground vibrated and an opening with a steep staircase appeared. They followed the steps all the way down to the bottom and from there they followed the faint sound of growling and tango music.

Decaying rabbits lied scattered on the floor in the narrow prison cell corridor. An inmate pounced at the bars like a lion would a gazelle in the first cell they passed.

"Who are you?" he growled hoarsely between unfiled cuspids. He was not surprisingly shabby-looking in his rags and he had yellow demon-eyes and the hair of a dandelion with rabies.

"Nobody, just have some shackles to seal" said James in a slightly high register.

"Where's your maker? Further down that way?" Sirius asked.

The inmate glanced at the hammer that James was squeezing.

"Free me and I'll show you" he said sinisterly.

"Maybe later if you behave" said James.

"_Pop!" _came the inmate in the second cell so suddenly Sirius backed into the opposite wall. The inmate reached a very thin arm through the bars and pointed a very sharp claw at Peter, who trembled like a washing machine.

"If you pop that gum _one more time!" _ she hissed and Peter nearly choked on his Non-Sticky Gum.

"He ran into my teeth _ten times!" _shouted a third inmate.

All the inmates were young looking and could not be much older than Hogwarts age and they looked like the bastard child of Tarzan and Cinderella. Inmates continued to pounce on the bars and shout confessions and defenses. Some were more aloof and just sat on the floor rocking back and forth. One lied on the floor staring blankly at the ceiling and had flies buzzing around the face. It was all more than AnxieFix could handle so Remus left unnoticeably to find a place where he could pull himself together, leaving the POV searching for a new bearer.

"One, two, three" counted an inmate further down the corridor and knocked on the cell beside his. "It's not who you thought, Hatty!"  
>"Weird" said Hatty. "Why must my hearing deceive me like this?"<p>

"Are you sure it's that your hearing is deceiving you and not the fact that you can't count longer than three?"

"That's still more than you, Skoll!"  
>They continued bickering about whether or not it was important for them to know basic mathematics because it wasn't as if they ever needed to figure out the price of a piece of cheese.<p>

"So, that Wolverhampton Monster, where is he?" James asked a random inmate, who responded by staring at him condescendingly.

"Why would we tell you anything?"

"Why not? Do you all feel some sort of loyalty for some reason?"

The inmate rolled his eyes.

"Because obviously _all _werewolves think exactly the same!"

"I think he's being sarcastic" Sirius whispered.

"Ok, if anybody who doesn't like the Monster would like to raise a hand" said James. "Cooperation will be rewarded… With… Freedom…"  
>All of a sudden they were all eager to cooperate.<p>

Peter found himself thinking that perhaps it would be a good idea to just go with whoever was least scary. Then he thought that perhaps this was a suggestion he dared to voice. His suggestions were generally not considered because they were too cowardly but he believed in this suggestion.

"Maybe we should pick the least scary one" he said. His heart pounded and he awaited judgment.

"Why not?" said James. Peter's heart skipped a beat.

"Or" said Sirius. "Maybe we should just go with the smartest one"

"A smart one?"

"Yeah, a smart one. You'd have to be stupid to try to work against us"

"I suppose you have a point"

Peter's heart sunk. He had been so close to have a suggestion that he had thought of all on his own accepted. He felt so stupid for having voiced something so stupid. It was quickly decided that since Hatty seemed to be best at counting he had to be the smart one and so they went up to his cell.

"Hatty, is it?" said James. "Uhm, would you be interested in assisting us in our noble quest to seal the shackles of the Wolverhampton Monster?"

"What does that even mean?" Hatty asked. "He's already in shackles"  
>"I know, but… Maybe they need… extra sealing…"<p>

But Hatty looked unimpressed; a definite sign of intelligence if there was one.

"Would you prefer it if we just killed him?" Sirius asked.

"Why are you doing this?" Hatty asked.

"We promised Didn't Die Boy we'd do it because we were coming here anyway… What does it matter to you? Here's your chance at freedom so take it!"

"Do it, Hat" said Skoll. "They'll try to kill you anyway when you've outlived your use, might as well let them think they can fool you"

"Only if Skoll can come too" said Hatty.

"Maybe we should try to find him on our own" James told Sirius. "If they are so sure we will try to kill them they might try to kill us first"

"Damn it, Hat!" Skoll kicked the bars. "You had your chance and you blew it with your fussing why couldn't you have just taken it for all our sake?"

"Because you're my little brother, Skoll" said Hatty sweetly. "I'm not leaving without you"

"By _one minute"_

"When you're as old as I am you'll understand. Take Skoll. He's never hurt anybody"  
>"It seems pretty safe down here" said James. "Go find Moony. We'll leave some kind of trace"<br>"Fine" said Sirius and turned back. "Now you better behave if you want a chance at getting out!"

An inmate threw a rabbit skeleton at him and Sirius threw it back.

"Congratulations you just got married" said Hatty.

James swung the hammer at Skoll's cell and the bars fell off. Skoll stared at the open path before him as if he couldn't believe it and expected something terrible to happen if he stepped over the threshold.

"Come on!" James urged him.

"Just one thing" said Skoll and went to the back of the cell. A small card was pinned to the wall with what could only be broken off piece of nail. Skoll pulled it out and stuck the card under the rope around his waist.

"What's that?" James asked.

"Nothing. A trading card, that's all. Silly" Skoll replied bashfully and stepped out of his cell as if he was threading on ice. It was hard to believe these people had spent as good as their entire lives here and remembered no other way of living.

"Some trading cards can be worth billions. Then it's not so silly" said James.

"Yeah well it's probably worth nothing anymore, it's just Barnabas Brocken, the-"

"Barnabas Brocken the legendary chaser who singlehandedly beat the German national team in the world cup of 1888 and was the first to put the straw piece in the back?"

"Yeah, him"

"And you have that card…" James had to bite his fist to keep himself from squealing. "How did you get it?"

"He's an ancestor of mine, so… I got it for Christmas a very long time ago"

"Oh really? Are you related to Darren O'Hare, too?"

Skoll laughed nervously. "That's actually my father"

James fainted and Skoll had to slap some consciousness back into him, much to the frustration of the inmates who were of the opinion that he should have used the opportunity to take the hammer, kill the humans and then free everybody. James blinked a couple of times before he sat up. "Sorry about that" he said and got back up on his feet and told Skoll to show the way. Skoll led James and Peter out of the corridor of cells and down a couple of steep staircases.

"I can't believe you've held onto that card this whole time" said James.

"I always thought that if I ever got out I'd sell it" Skoll shrugged. "Naïve, I know"

"But you're free now"  
>"Maybe… But I'll be thrown back in sooner or later. I couldn't fool anybody and I have nowhere to go"<br>"'Nowhere to go'? What about Darren O'Hare and his huge LA beach house?"

"Hatty and I have other brothers and sisters. Mother and father had to think about their safety, it's completely understandable"

Suddenly Skoll stopped as if he had heard something. Then James was disarmed by a light shooting from the shadows. A figure emerged and Skoll pounced on him instantly and wrestled him to the ground and tore the disarmed wand from his grip but he was quickly weakened by Moran's many silver buttons. Moran pushed Skoll off him and pressed a foot against his chest, raising a sharp wooden stake.

"Hand it over, Potter!" he spat. "Or the freak gets it!"  
>James threw the hammer on the ground. Moran summoned it.<p>

"I can't believe you actually did that" he said and hung the weapon around his neck. He raised the stake again to stab Skoll but something delayed him.

"You have to kill the weapon!" James urged him. "All the weapons have to be destroyed so Voldemort can be stopped!"

"Shut up!" Skoll lowered the stake and took the trading card from Skoll before he disappeared back into the shadows. Then the walls began to shake and bits of stone rained down from the ceiling.

Visiting the cells had been so trauma inducing that Remus had gone back outside in the hopes that some fresh air would put an end to the flashbacks and alleviate the anxiety. And maybe it would have, had there not been flecks of blood on the snow and scattered bovid body parts leading up to a mangled sleigh. He froze. He recognized the imagery from his dreams so it had to be a dream. He tried to wake himself up but when he failed after several attempts it became obvious that it was all too painfully real. He sunk down on his knees as if the bones had completely disappeared from his legs. He could hear growling nearing over the sound of blood rushing. Then a sharp pain hit him in the back of his head and all light went out.

When he woke up again he was lying on the floor somewhere inside the mountain and the sound of rattling breathing alerted him that he wasn't alone. His heart felt like a tennis ball stuck between rackets. He reached into his pocket for his wand as slowly and quietly as he could. Somebody stepped over him and crouched beside him.

"_EEE EEE EEE EEE!" _squealed the Monster like a shower scene in a Hitchcock horror-thriller. Remus pointed his wand at the him and pumped his mouth so full of gum that when he opened up he looked like a pink harp. He cut off the gum with a nail.

"Odd" he said. "All this time you've been walking around free and no one's suspected a thing. But I can tell what you are. Anybody can if they know what to look for. Anyway, you're in luck. Your pretending days are over"

He waited for Remus to respond, and Remus reasoned that as long as he didn't look it wasn't there.

"You might be wondering why I don't just kill you already" the Monster went on. "Make no mistake, it's not that you're worth anything. By Iocaste you're so weak looking I'm surprised you didn't bleed to death at the night of your splitting. But maybe it's just as well you've been serving humans incognito. That will come in handy now because you can get me something I want: the Excalibur"

"Why?"

"He _does _talk. Because I need it to cut the horns off the Yule Goat"

"No"  
>"If you do I won't have to kill you and you can stop living a lie"<p>

"Better living a lie than do anything for you"

"Really, now? And what's s great about living a lie?"

Staring at the floor, Remus could hear the Monster unzip his bag and go through its content.

"So much drugs… Oh look, what a pretty badge! You must truly have done a number on the staff, well done! And what's this? A letter to your mother from professor McGonagall who is 'very, very disappointed' in you for still keeping hematophagic pets after several warnings"

McGonagall had written that letter after an incident with some escaped redcaps and she was known for exaggerating. Redcaps were a lot less harmful once you took their pikes away and it wasn't as if Remus was unable to look after his pets; it was just that Sirius in particular liked to place them among people he thought deserved it when he was bored (i.e. always).

"So much sneaking around and lying, tsk, tsk. Or perhaps the greatest part is having no future whatsoever. Because you do realize you don't have a future, don't you? Why is the school wasting resources on you? Outstanding, outstanding, outstanding… You're just _perfect _aren't you? Is it to make their statistics look good? But what use will you have of high marks in the real world? None, because out there nobody will want to touch you with a ten foot pole! But they probably haven't told you that because then you'd realize you're better off serving the Dark Lord because the Dark Lord is the only one who doesn't want to get rid of us and doesn't ask us to pretend to be something we're not. So tell me, what's so great about not being accepted for what you are and accepted for what you're not and being taken advantage of and not having any rights?"

Remus sat up. The back of his head was pounding. He looked up at the Monster.

"I'm not giving you the Excalibur because you're jealous"

The thin, yellow eyes narrowed in contained rage. The monster threw the bag in Remus's face.

"Then I will go to Hogwarts myself and kill your pretty friends, how does that sound?"

Not great.

"What if I can't find it?"

"You're mother is an antique book dealer and your father was an archeologist. You'll find it. You have until the 17th"

The monster slapped him across the face with such force Remus blacked out again.


	10. Nice job breaking it, heroes

December 10 Friday

The drama room echoed with the sound of jumping and clapping as the cast of _Jenny _rehearsed the final song, _Not the boss of my body:_

_There's nothing wrong with being a woman on the inside, _sang the entire ensemble joyfully with broad smiles on their faces. _There's nothing wrong with conflicting body parts. Boy or girl, it doesn't really matter. All that counts is what's inside your heart._

The creators sat on foldable chairs beneath the stage.

"Nope, it's too cheesy" said James.

"It's ironic" Sirius explained. "I think"  
>"No. It's just cheesy"<p>

The entire ensemble spun around. The gourd broke when Roy threw it in the air and failed to catch it. Goody was quick to run out on stage with a papier-maché gourd and the cast continued the rehearsal.

"Papier maché replica, eh?" Remus mumbled.

"Why don't you just nick a sword from Dumbledore's office and use that in the trap?" Sirius asked. "Meanwhile I am a little surprised that Greyback would be given such a non-terror related task. Why him?"

"Maybe Voldemort draws names from hats" James suggested.

"Maybe. For such an honorable mission I would have expected him to pick somebody who can control his own salivation"

Simon entered the drama room and went up to James to look crossed at him.

"Nice going releasing the weapon!" he said.

"We're not _finished!" _James told him.

"I failed to fulfill the prophecy so now I'm no longer chosen and my girlfriend dumped me! I hope you're happy! See you at quidditch!" Simon adjusted his eye patch before storming out of the room.

"I am a little" James muttered.

Sirius shook his head.

"The ingratitude of some people, think you can fix things over night"

"It's not too late to fulfill the prophecy, is it?"

Sirius shrugged. It was clear they needed to consult an expert, preferably an actual prophet and not a bogus prophet.

The closest thing the lads could find to a prophet was Mac who took prophet studies. They found her conveniently enough in the library dusting off prophecies with a special orb brush.

"Prophecies don't have deadlines, generally" she said and checked the prophecy in her hand for spots of dust and put it in the sack of dusted orbs when she didn't find any. "They are far too vague for that. It's never too late to fulfill a prophecy unless there are circumstances that make it impossible, in which case the prophecy in question is annulled"

She picked up Simon's prophecy and read: _'He who is valiant and pure of spirit'- _of course it has to be a 'he',- _'And who was born in the beginning and will die at the end, he shall journey to the Location of Events and perform the Act for One cannot defeat another if there is no one to defeat.' _Do you see?"

"But the weapon and the mountain, where do the details come from?" James asked.

"From his wise, old mentor probably. They interpret the prophecies and arrange the quests. As long as the 'weapon' is out there the prophecy is active, however" Mac put down Simon's prophecy and picked up another. "It's not rare for there to be rivaling prophecies and rivaling interpretations. Prophecies are as I mentioned extremely vague. If now Simon has been told he is no longer chosen it is probably because the Society of Interpreters have decided so for whatever reason. Maybe they think he is no longer necessary, maybe there's a better prophecy for somebody else that serves the same purpose. It could also mean they simply got the wrong person. _'He who has lived for as long as he has existed, he shall inflict discomfort on the enemy for no one can walk that has no legs'."_

The prophecy was reunited with its dusted friends.

"Maybe we should just hijack another quest" said Sirius, thinking that it could get them new powerful items that could be useful.

"Do you really think you should be hijacking any more quests?" Mac asked.

"We're not _finished!"_

Mac shoved the open book before her aside and reached for a magazine entitled _Prophet's Digest. _"Well let's see: _'Wanted: right handed Scorpio with both wisdom teeth left.'_. That's just the Prophet Seeks Prophet page." She turned a couple of pages. "Ok, listen: _'He who came to be when Venus descended'- _That is, on a cloud free morning- _'he may bring order to the chaos for nothing can be found that hasn't been lost.' _Now the Interpreters are arguing that this prophecy predicted that the quest you failed would fail, so that's some comfort for you-"

"We're not _finished" _said James.

"This is the most hyped prophecy right now. So, were any of you born on a cloud free morning by any chance?"

"That's it? You just have to have been born on a cloud free morning?"

"I don't know if it was cloud free" said Sirius.

"Any time in the morning or really early in the morning?"

"Depends on the time of year but around sunrise" said Mac and put down the magazine.

The clanky sound of chains and jewelry neared them. Fletcher was revealed to be the source and he wasn't just covered in jewelry; he was also wearing a white mink coat and star shaped sun glasses with glitter rims. He put his hands on the table and flashed Mac a sleazy grin.

"Hi, Mac. Still asexual?"

Mac closed the book and put it in her bag before leaving with her sacks with prophecies.

"Wait! You forgot your" Fletched picked up the magazine. "_'He who came to be when Venus descended' _I was born in the morning! _'Nothing can be found that hasn't been lost'. _I have no idea what that means!"  
>"Thanks for nothing, then" Sirius stuck a cigarette in his mouth, ignoring the new no-smoking signs.<p>

"Nothing has ever been lost that I didn't find" said Fletcher proudly, successfully confusing himself. Noticing that Fletcher was less short than usual Sirius looked down at his sparkling midnight blue platform shoes.

"Are those my shoes?"

Fletcher rubbed his hands together. "Fame and glory here I come! Where do I find a mentor?"

"Why would you want to be a designee?" Remus asked him. "It's scary stuff"

"H-how scary?"

"It's not scary" said James and yanked his disco glasses off Fletcher. "All you have to do is, I don't know, sign up somewhere and leave the rest to us"  
>"But then how will I get fame and glory?"<p>

"We'll tell everybody it was you"

Fletcher considered the offer. "Ok. Well I better go talk to Sprout or something"

Fletcher took the magazine with him and walked out of the library on poorly balanced steps. Sirius was sad to see his disco shoes go but he knew that they had been defiled for eternity and that all the Shoe Freshener in the world couldn't cover the smell of sweaty junkie sock.


	11. Looking for some sword stuff

December 11

Ah, the annual Yule Disco. A yearly event that most looked forward to. The pressure of getting dates so as to not appear to be some sort of loser and then ending up hanging out with your mates anyway, the Best Make-Over Potential award that went to not necessarily the prettiest witch at the ball but to whoever was prettiest in contrast to how she looked before. It was an extremely sexist contest and several girls suffered break downs when they failed to make themselves plain-looking enough by getting the thickest glasses and cheapest haircuts they could beforehand to appear more beautiful on the eve of judgment. The funky bass lines of the contemporary hits echoed throughout the entire building. It was the perfect time to nick a sword from Dumbledore's office and the perfect excuse to not go on the most over hyped event of the year and avoid intrusive questions about monthly hormone replacement therapy appointments (Stupid Sirius!) and spin-the-bottle invitations from people who had filled their cups with punch from the spiked bowl.

Hearing _The best disco in town _in the back of his head as he threw swords from a drawer over his shoulder, Remus only just realized that _The best inn in town _was in fact a shameless rip off and was for a moment extremely disappointed. Where there other shame less rip offs, too, in the musical that Sirius was dominating a little too much? Was perhaps even _Late December year 0 _also a rip off? But now was not the time to become annoyed over the fact that what Remus had wanted to be a classic musical had turned into a show with cross dressers disco dancing in tap shoes to songs that could just as well have been covers. A sword was in dire need of nicking.

"Sword of Gryffindor, sword of Ravenclaw" Remus kept throwing swords behind him because the middle drawer of the chiffonier next to the hat stand was truly packed with swords. "Sword of Slytherin, butter knife of Hufflepuff…"

The swords clanged so much when they were thrown in a pile on the rug that he didn't hear the nearing voices outside.

"And you will stay here and clean out Fawkes's cage and think about what you did!" said a very angry voice. "Ten students are treated for allergic reactions because of the basket of beard potion you put in the girls bathroom! I'm not even interested in your excuses anymore! What's going on here?"

Professor McGonagall was almost hit in the face with a pair of badger corn holders. Remus turned around and looked from the basket of fancy bottles that claimed to be Chanel's _Gazon du Visage _she was holding to Sirius who looked as nonchalant as ever. And McGonagall looked at the mess of swords on the purple rug. Remus started picking them up.

"It wasn't me"

"Off you go then" said McGonagall and nodded towards the door.

"Ok, it was me"

McGonagall left the office and slammed the door behind her. Sirius went to Dumbledore's poorly protected safe and took out a batch of crossword puzzle magazines and brought them to the desk. Then he sat down in the purple turny chair to solve them. Remus put down the swords on the desk next to _Epic Weapons _by _Gofannon Smith, _a book he had found in Dumbledore's book collection.

"Beard potion?"

Sirius leaned back and crossed his legs over the desk. "It is the role of a gentleman to un-distress a distressed woman"

"Cas?"

"It is extremely unfair that she should have to get a cheap hair cut to have a chance at the Best Make-Over Potential Award"

"And therefore… beard potion"

Sirius put down the puzzle."It's hardly her fault she's naturally well endowed and follically blessed. So I got the competition disqualified"

Remus arranged the bundle of swords in a neat row and compared each of them to the description of the Excalibur in the book.

"Why don't you just pick one?" Sirius asked.

"It needs to have a 30 inch blade, 8 inch handle and 6 inch horizontal bit" Remus placed a wooden ruler vertically next to one of the swords.

"Cross-guard"

"'Cross-guard'"

"And it's 'hilt', not 'handle'"

"You knew what I meant"

"Just pick one. He doesn't know the measurements"

"He _might _know the measurements"

"Then you can always stab him with the _real _Excalibur while he measures the fake one"

The Griffin Slayer was close enough in the measurements but there was no way a sword with an obsidian blade could pass for an Excalibur. The iron Eagle Eye was also too dark in colour still. The Venom Bite was definitely the prettiest one with its many beryl stones. Remus burnt himself a little on the hand when he shoved it off the desk. Sirius reached for the book and looked through it.

"Who says it has to be the Excalibur?"

"He did. The Excalibur is known and proven to be very powerful"

"It's known and proven to get stuck in things. Have you read the entire book?"

"No. Only found it today"

Sirius interest in the book was, like with most things, brief and he went back to his puzzles. Remus took the book and looked for the page with the description of the Excalibur and accompanying illustration and thought that perhaps it was best to 'just pick one' and have the craft people modify it to look like the Excalibur.


	12. The Staff Of Wizard-Moses

December 12

By the next day the script had been subjected to a major rewrite. The three wise reconstructive surgeons had gone from well-meaning but ignorant to downright antagonistic and Marius had to fight them with the Sword of Tolerance that he-she had received from angel Gabrielle to protect her intersex child Jessie. The cast were using a wooden sword at the moment but a more authentic looking replica of the Excalibur was currently in the making. The reactions to the rewrite were mixed.

"What's so wrong with the wooden sword?" Xeno asked at the rehearsal after lunch when they were having a quick break.

"It's too light" said Roy. "The audience won't be convinced it really is heavy with divinity"

"So pretend"  
>Some had gone outside to smoke, some did so indoors on stage which was fine as long as they kept their cigarettes at a safe distance from all the straw.<p>

"I think it's weird that it has to be the Excalibur" said one of the wise surgeons. "The Excalibur in the Middle East? The Excalibur is a British sword!"

"That's racist" said another surgeon.

"The way I understand it" said Steve who played the front part of a camel and not a donkey because the donkeys had to sing and dance. "Is that the Excalibur doesn't really come from anywhere or belong to any particular nation, like some sort of old world relic. I guess it's a nice thought"

"But it comes from Avalon!" insisted the first surgeon.

"Where something is from doesn't matter" said the second surgeon.

"You just think that because you're biracial"

"You don't because you're not"

"Anyway, it's not really the Excalibur" said Roy. "It just _looks _like the Excalibur, but whether or not it is _the _Excalibur is open for interpretation"

James lost interest in the bickering divas. Not having been brought up watching musicals he had been surprised to find that writing them was a lot more fun than watching them. Not that he had done much in ways of writing songs, at least not in the beginning. But inspiration had struck him at breakfast. It had all started with a simple idea for a title he had thought of in the locker room after quidditch a couple of days ago, an idea he had forgotten about and that had chosen to resurface today in the morning. And somehow the urge to turn it into a full song had possessed him and he had had a complete song an hour later. Sirius had offered to put music to it during their quick break, which he was more than welcome to but it bugged James a little that he changed so much of the lyric.

"'_Wave your hands in the air like you just don't care'" _Sirius shook his head and scratched the line and tried a B flat minor.

"What it rhymed!" James insisted, but Sirius ignored him and kept scratching out verses and adding new ones.

"I can't believe you just rewrote the script without telling me. The Excalibur in the Middle East?"

"What, I thought you'd like it" said Remus. He was scratching out things in the script too, namely songs he thought were either unnecessary or rude or unnecessarily rude. "You're the last person I expected to oppose it"

"If it was some other sword-"

"It's not the Excalibur anymore because people were getting their knickers in a twist over it for some reason. But that you would, although you're French-"

"_Quarter _French! And what does that have to do with anything? Besides I was born here you racist"

"I thought you were born in Paris and that your mum tried to pass you off as a hunchback so the Archdeacon of Notre Dame would take you" said James.

"She loves to tell stories. I once poured hot fondue in Aunt Rebecca's wig and suddenly I'm not an accident. Then she put on her shoes and I was an accident again. That's the thing about liars; you can't always tell when they are telling the truth"

Chatter started infusing the room as cast and crew returned from the break.

"I told you Dumbledore would love the idea" said the actor that played Joe that would become Josephine.

"I didn't doubt you" said Queen Herod and tried on his crown.

"Is anybody not gender-swapped?" Peter asked.

"Nobody is gender swapped because everybody is the gender they are on the inside" Sirius explained.

"No, they're all gender swapped" said James.

"It's all explained in _Not the boss of my body" _

Remus excused himself and left to see Dumbledore. When Sirius dug through his pockets for the lyric to _Not the boss of my body_ a piece of paper fell out. James picked it up and unfolded it. It was a page from a book and described a weapon called _the Parting Staff, _a staff that was said to have powerful parting and uniting properties. It was, judging from the illustration, a large fig branch with goat horns attached to the top and it was said to have belonged to the legendary snake charmer Moses, who had used it three times before disassembling it before his death.

"Why do you have this?" he asked.

"I'm just withholding a little information to spare us all some drama, so what?"

"Every time you try to spare us all from drama you end up turning up and drama and then I have to take my own notes and do my Elton John impression.

"This is different. He said he hadn't read the book"

"Oh. That is shocking"

"I know"

"That you fell for that. _I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch"_

"No drama has been turned up yet so you might not have to do your impression"  
>But James sang the full words to <em>The bitch is back <em>anyway, but quickly because almost the entire cast was back in their costumes and ready to rehearse the second act.

Headmaster Dumbledore had returned from another one of his mysterious journeys. A large sack took up a lot of space on his otherwise tidy desk. Fawkes was sleeping on top of the chiffonier with his head burrowed in his feathery body. A large staff leaned against the side of the chiffonier, a staff that hadn't been there before.

"I love the idea with the Excalibur" said Dumbledore. "Very progressive. Some box-minded people might argue that the Excalibur has no place in Bethlehem but fifty years from now people won't believe the ignorance of our time. After all" he reached into the large sack and took out a shiny orb and read: _"'Only he can see that looks at first.' _That's actually pretty good"

"What's that in the corner?" Remus asked. He had only gone to Dumbledore's office to ask some hypothetical questions (pretending he was asking for somebody else, of course) about the alternatives to binding a particular escaped monster, the morality of the various options and why somebody might want to saw the horns off the Yule Goat and if it necessarily had to be with the Excalibur but ever since arriving he hadn't been able to take his eyes of the fig branch in the corner.

"Oh, just another thing I found on my mysterious journey" Dumbledore replied. "I find loads of things, although I'm not a very good finder. At least not as good as people think. Somehow there's always some unexpected prize to pay for my findings…"

Dumbledore rubbed his purple ear.

"It's a nice staff" said Remus.

"It _is _a nice staff. And of no use to you. Unless this sounds like you:" Dumbledore tossed the other prophecy in the fireplace and took out another. "_'He who was born on a day before another and after a previous one, he will separate the pieces for it cannot be broken what isn't whole.'"_

"What does that mean?"

"It is important to remember that not all acts foretold by prophecies are desirable or good. A lot of the time they predict destruction which I think is a shame. That's just asking for a circle of revenge and nobody learns anything. I mean, where's the compassion and empathy?"

"Maybe some people don't deserve compassion and empathy"

"Is that what you think?"

"I don't know"  
>"Do you think destroying your enemies is a more long term solution?"<p>

"No"

Dumbledore leaned back and cast a brief glance at Fawkes who was sleep-squawking.

"A wise person once said that forgiving those who have hurt us is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves. Anyway, I always enjoy our little chats. Minerva just thinks I'm mawkish but you just seem to get it. So, did you have something you wanted to ask me?"

"Uhm…" Remus didn't know what to ask first and how to phrase his questions so it would sound like he was just asking out of a casual interest. "Why might somebody want to saw the horns off the Yule Goat?"

"Saw the horns off?" Dumbledore leaned forwards. "You do know the Yule Goat is just a man dressing up, right?"

"I… of course I knew that…"

"It's ok. I was a late learner, too"

"So his horns aren't special in anyway" Remus wondered if he had understood the demand he had received up in Ear Fell correctly.

"They're extremely special" said Dumbledore. "They belong to the staff in the corner there. I believe the Yule Goat bought them at an auction, and apparently they were very cheap because nobody knew where they came from"

Although it hadn't been said there was no doubt that the staff in the corner was the legendary Staff of Moses. Although it looked like any unremarkable tree branch it had an allure that surpassed great relics such as the Holy Grail and Remus would have liked to take it and run but until he had the horns this was probably the safest location for it to be.


	13. Letters

December 13

It was the last week of school before the holidays. The seventeenth was approaching fast and a solid plan of just how to trap Greyback was still absent. Peter was so scared he kept spooning apple sauce on his oatmeal porridge.

"So we bait him to that cave in the forest" said James. "And then we just trap him there"

"Right" said Sirius. "How, exactly?"

"Somehow"

Sirius sunk in his chair until his chin was at table height. "Ugh why can't we just kill him?"

"Because killing is _wrong _apparently"

"Not if they totally deserve it!"  
>"And it's against the will of the prophecy"<p>

"Blegh sod that prophecy!" Sirius sat up again.

"And it's not just _wrong. _It's also bad for you"

"No, trans fat is bad for you. Killing murderers isn't. In fact, it's probably good for you. It probably feels great and releases endorphins and a whole bunch of things"

Noticing he had far too much apple sauce on his porridge, Peter spooned some back into the apple sauce bowl. He thought personally that killing was the best option, especially if it released dolphins. He wasn't sure what that meant, but he liked dolphins and refused to believe they were the rapists of the ocean.

"Whatever we do" said James. "It's really annoying that we can't wait until after the 17th when most people will be away on holiday"

"I know. And we can't have everybody sent home early because then we can't go through with the play"

Peter added some milk to his porridge, mostly to cool it. Professor McGonagall stepped to the front of the podium and tapped the microphone a couple of times.

"Can I have you attention please" she said. "The play on Friday has been moved to Thursday"

She repeated this information one more time and turned off the microphone.

"That was lucky" said Sirius. "I wonder why"  
>"Maybe they got an offer they couldn't refuse" said Remus and poured some more hot water in his tea. "In the form of a letter from another school. Asking to buy the nativity set. Because theirs burnt down and they needed one quick and they heard we had a really nice one"<p>

"That _was _lucky" said Peter.

"Do you have any letter paper on you I have an idea for another letter" said Sirius.

Remus gave him one of the spare sheets he kept between pages in his note book as well as an envelope and a pen. Sirius moved his coffee to make room for writing.

"'_Dear Headmaster Dumbledore. I'm the producer of the hit drama television program _Spells & Curses _and I want to shoot some scenes at Hogwarts between December 17 to February 1-"_

"Make it March 1" said James.

After a quick argument it was decided that January 10 was the date that best suited everybody. It still granted them three extra days off. Sirius continued writing.

"'_We are prepared to pay a generous sum of money for the favour. It is important that the location is empty when we arrive at 11:00. Please respond quickly if you want the money. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, the head producer at WBBC."_

The letter was quickly stuck inside an envelope and sent with an owl to McGonagall.


	14. The ABBA

December 14

Time to prepare for the grand performance had been scarce even before the date had been moved. Now no new songs were accepted and the entire show was rehearsed daily in costume and with proper lighting.

"_You put the Jo in joy" _sang Roy heartfelt, backed up by a trio of chorus sheep that just sang 'baaa' (but it worked somehow) and beautiful piano music. "_I'm just a simple sheep herding boy. Or girl, one of those anyway. One of those anyway"_

Sirius dried his eyes. He was particularly proud of that ballad and was convinced it was the song that was going to bring him his very first Tony Award. He and Remus sat as usual below the stage and let the ensemble take care of themselves while a small orchestra in the corner provided music.

The ballad ended and the hot Latino rhythms of _Boom, you're pregnant _took overand everybody waited for Xeno to arrive on stage with the finished Sword of Tolerance but something was keeping him.

"Hold, we're in a hold" said Sirius and the music stopped. "Someone go and find out what's taking so long"

One of the sheep disappeared backstage for two seconds.

"The swords is gone" she said when she returned. Sirius left his chair and went backstage where everybody was doing their best to find the missing sword by lifting things and looking underneath.

"When did you last have it?" he asked Xeno.

"I was sitting before this mirror putting on my hair flair" Xeno replied. "The sword was right next to me, I am sure of it. I look away for two seconds and next thing I know it's gone"

A genius in a fez and beard thought of searching the floor too and the others followed his example but the sword was not there either.

"Any sign of it?" Remus asked and turned the wig on one of the wig stands and took the post-it attached to the back.

"'_Hi. We have the sword. Cancel your show unless you want trouble from _the ABBA?'"

"What?" Sirius took the note. "Not just _ABBA _but _the _ABBA. Why would they want us to cancel our show?"

"I don't know. We're not using _Honey Honey _this time"

The post it had a drawing of a crucifix, as if it had been put there as a clue.

"Just who?" said Sirius. "Who would oppose an LGBT interpretation of the nativity?"

"Isn't it obvious? Vampires"

"Vampires aren't behind everything that is bad in the world"

"Well then I just don't know"

It was all very puzzling and irritatingly so. It was like the gourd incident all over again. One of the sheep stuck a head through the door and said that McGonagall said the play was cancelled and everybody backstage rushed out on stage to catch the details.

"I am very sorry" she said. "But, you know, parental pressure"  
>"Parental pressure? Who told parents?" Sirius asked.<p>

"They're always invited, as well you know"  
>"But…" How was that possible when Sirius had destroyed the invitations?<p>

"Yes, an LGBT nativity musical is extremely controversial to certain groups" said McGonagall. "Because musicals are just gay. If you skipped the singing and dancing-"

"Out of the question!"

"It's your call. It looks like the ABBA will get to put up their nativity after all, which promises to be true to the canon and have no songs"

McGonagall pushed through the door. Sirius was simply at loss of what to do and he hated that feeling.

"Do something" he told Remus. "Do something with your rules!"  
>"Do <em>what <em>with my rules?"

"You know, find support for us and un-support for them"

"There's no point. Parental pressure is more powerful than all rules because they are the funders"  
>"I don't find this funders at all, stupid bigoted vampires…"<p>

Sirius kicked the back-half of a donkey costume that had been left on the floor. The cast was shuffling backstage in sullen spirits.

"It's not vampires" said Roy, pulling off his veil. "It's the Adolescent Bible Believers Association"

The stage looked post-apocalyptic when the entire cast had left and the only thing that remained of them was scattered bits of accessories. The doors opened. James was back from quidditch and Peter was back from extra tutoring in transfiguration.

"What's all this fuss about parental pressure?" James asked.

"Apparently it's more powerful than all rules" said Sirius and hopped down from the stage.

"_All _rules?"

"All rules. The play is off"

"What's this I hear? You quitting?"

"There's nothing to do. As long as there are parents… But if they were all _killed…" _

Sirius stroked his chin pensively.

"If only there was this one rule" said Peter. "This rule that was more powerful than anything"

"Well, there is _one _rule" said Remus hesitantly. "But it's just a legend. They say there is this one rule that is more powerful than bribes and money. But of course that's impossible. Just a campfire tale I heard at prefect camp onetime"

"Where could such a rule exist?" James asked.

"They say the keeper of the rule has it but only the keeper knows who the keeper is"

There was no time to waste. If a legendary rule was the only chance at saving the play they they needed to find it stat.

Finding the keeper of the rule had not surprisingly been extremely easy. All James and Sirius had to do was bring each prefect one by one to the Chinese Torture Chamber and gush water at them until one finally admitted to being the keeper. (Ok, they gushed water at boys and put gum in their hair if they were girls regardless of what gender they identified with. They used a special kind of gum when they needed to make a girl talk; a gum that was sticky enough to cause distress but removable without scissors.)

"Alright I am the keeper of the rule!" confessed prefect Clover and received some dry towels and hot coco for the cooperation. Clover dried his face with the towel before wrapping it around his head like a turban. "I don't have the rule anymore. It's been stolen"  
>"Stolen by whom?" Sirius asked.<p>

Clover clenched his fist.

"Those pesky Hufflepuffs! Thieves, the lot of them! They find everything!"

"Fletcher" said James in that special tone usually reserved for rivals and told Clover he could go.

"Why does he want the rule?" Sirius asked. "To smoke it?"

"Maybe"

It was past curfew and Fletcher was most likely in his dorm. The quickest and safest route to the Hufflepuff dungeons from the broken girls' bathroom was through the painting of the twin pirates Pomona and Theodora Hufflepuff further down the hall outside. The password changed often but they were easy to guess and tonight it was _Kill all dachshunds_. The passage led to the library and from there they could just pass through the entrance hall and take the stairs that led to the dungeon floor.

Another painting guarded the Hufflepuff dungeons, this time a painting of a Wilhelmina Scott-Holmes, a renaissance woman with a badger on one shoulder and a pole with the severed head of a dachshund in one hand.

"Could you get Fletcher for us?" James asked her nicely. At this hour it was better if Fletcer came out.

"I'm afraid I can't" replied Miss Scott-Holmes as predicted, smiling gently and not bothered by the fact that blood dropped from the severed dog head onto her puffy white sleeve.

"He stole my notebook and I have an exam tomorrow morning. I have the right to demand he gives it back"

"If your notebook was stolen you need to report to a professor"

"I only discovered it was stolen 45 minutes ago in two minutes, just before curfew"

"You need to report to a professor. In the meantime you will just have to borrow somebody else's notes"  
>"I have asked the required minimum of 22 different people and they all refused, which is their right according to chapter 4, paragraph 9, line 6-."<p>

"Line 7" Sirius corrected him

"Line 7. Furthermore, my notes are specifically written to suit _my _needs, I have the full right to my own notes 48 hours prior to the exam in question maximize my learning and assure the best exam results possible. _And, _you better believe this, I _can, _according to the _silent consent rule_, ask for my notes after curfew without verbal or written permission and/or supervision if at least two of the reasons in chapter 11 apply"

"Reason 1: unavailable staff. Reason 6: unavailable prefects. Reason 12: No history of skiving"

Miss Scott-Holmes petted her badger. "All of that applies. To _prefects"  
><em>Sirius reached into his pockets.

"I'm done holding onto this for you now" he said and gave a badge to James.

"Is that where I put it thanks" James fastened the badge on his jumper.

Miss Scott-Holmes shouted for Fletcher and he came out in a pajamas and a night cap.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"McGonagall wants to see you" said James and steered Fletcher where they risked no eaves dropping from Miss Scott-Holmes or other unwanted ears.

"McGonagall? Why? When did they make you a prefect?" Fletcher pinched himself in the nose. He was ushered into the potions lab which was empty for a change. The decorative dwarf bats wore cute, red hats and the spider webs had been sprayed with red paint to make the otherwise gloomy lab jollier.

"Where's the rule?" Sirius asked.

"The what?"

"The rule that you stole? The rule that's more powerful than all rules? Where is it?"  
>Fletcher turned away. "I don't know what you're talking about"<p>

"It's talk or Chinese Torture Chamber" said James

"Alright it was me! I stole it!"

"Why?"

"Why?" A wave of sentimentality swept over Fletcher's droopy gaze. "Because when a woman asks something of you, you do it. That's what being a man is about" He stuck a finger up his nose and wiggled about some.

"What woman asked you to steal the rule?"

"Only the prettiest and sweetest witch that has ever graced the Earth with her presence"  
>Fletcher sighed dreamily.<p>

"Well this is getting weirder and weirder" said James. "What does Lily want with the rule?"

"I think Fletch is probably referring to somebody else" said Sirius. "That _he _finds to be the 'prettiest and sweetest'"

"Who?"

"I'll give you a hint. It's Mac"

"That makes even _less _sense"

"I know. She's never been the meddling kind"

Because it was rather late, finding out just why Mac wanted the rule would just have to wait for tomorrow.


	15. But Whyyyy

December 15

The next morning Mac could be found sitting on the floor outside the ancient runes classroom scribbling in her notebook and Cas wasn't with her asking her to insist she _wasn't _fat for a change.

"Good morning" James said.

"Good morning" Mac replied.

"Do you have the rule _and _the sword or just the rule?" Sirius asked.

Mac packed her things and went inside an un-booked classroom further down the corridor.

"Manipulative flirting, Mac? Really?" said Sirius. "I didn't think that of you"

"Excuse me but _what?"_

"Why did you make Fletcher get the rule for you?" James asked.

Mac shrugged. "Prophet studies" she took a prophecy from her bag. "_'Nothing can be found that hasn't been lost.'. _It was our assignment to choose a prophecy, interpret it and then make it happen"

"Telling someone to do something doesn't sound very impressive"

"I simply told Fletcher that the prophecy foretold that something hidden was going to be found by antagonistic forces if he didn't find it first, which I can see now was true. No I admit it's not as impressive as foretelling murdering your enemies but not all prophecies foretell epic battles or 'noble' actions. Some actually foretell inaction and acts of non-violence. Take this one, for example-"  
>"So, do you have the sword?" Sirius asked.<p>

"No I don't have the sword what would I do with a sword?"

"What would you do with the rule?"

Remus showed her the note from the wig backstage. "Do you have anything to do with this?"

Mac looked. "I am a member of The ABBA. But not _that _the ABBA. _The _ABBA"

James wondered if she had lost it.

"You're a member of _ABBA?"_

"No, not 'ABBA'. _The _ABBA. The Asexual Blokes and Broads Association"

"So?" said Sirius. "Why do you have the rule?"

"So you can't use it to get permission to do your play"

"Why are you interfering with our play? Shouldn't you be progressive and tolerant of an LGBT musical?"

"No I don't tolerate that at all" said Mac shortly.

"Well, why not then?"  
>"Because you're not including all orientations! Where are the aces?"<p>

The lads were speechless. They hadn't thought of that at all.

"It's not _really _an orientation, 'though, is it?"

"Neither is transgenderism and your musical is packed with transgenders"

"Because it's _funny"_

"I just don't know if it would fit, there's already so much going on" said James.

Mac searched her bag. "Cas gave me a copy of the script. Here it is. Even your closing number is called _Everybody has lots of babies yay"_

"But, that's like their reward for being on the good side. Good people get married and have babies and bad people remain alone, that's like the law of the universe or something"

"Unless they're gay, of course" said Sirius. "But I suppose we could make Queen Herod ace"

Mac went for the door and pressed down the handle. "Yeah. Unless they're gay. If you want the rule you know what to do"

An annoying feeling of guilt lingered after Mac had gone. If she had been a bloke it would have been easier to simply not care.

"What was that about?"James asked.

"I have no idea" said Sirius. "Some of the animals don't get married and have babies. At least the cut-outs don't"

"And why is it such a bad thing if they do? It's just a fun musical"

"Minority groups tend to feel alienated and stigmatized when they aren't represented in the media" Remus explained to them.

"So?" said Sirius. "It's our project. We shouldn't have to worry about whose toes were treading"

"Of course we're free to not worry about anybody's toes. And we're actually doing the musical the way Dumbledore wanted us to"

"Right!" said James. "Doesn't Mac know that? He's the one that requested an LGBT musical where everybody hooks up at the end"

"He requested an LGBT musical. He didn't say anybody had to hook up at the end"

"No but I think it was implied"

"You weren't even there"

"So let's make Queen Herod ace then" said Sirius. "He doesn't hook up with anybody. Let's just add a line and be done with it"

"The evil queen that massacres firstborns is ace, what ace wouldn't love that?" said Remus and James suspected he was being sarcastic again but with some people it wasn't always easy to tell. In any case the play was tomorrow and they didn't have much time for any major rewriting. It was clear they would just have to spend all day skiving. _Again. _


	16. The Rule

December 16

It took all day and all night to tweak the script and stress was running high at the rehearsal the next day. To avoid having professors telling the cast and crew to go to class they had all received an invitation to a Free Liquor Party with directions to the Village of No Return. Darkness was already falling, as was standard for December days, but it did add to the stress because it made the cast feel like they had even fewer hours to learn the rewritten script and songs and this wasn't made better by the fact that they found the new script to be outrageous, to say the least.

"I'm _asexual?!" _Roy crumpled his script in protest. "Like a _mushroom?!"_

"No, _Marius _is asexual like a mushroom" Sirius explained to him calmly. "And starfish and some sharks"

"This is an outrage" said a wise surgeon. "First I thought an LGBT musical with an Excalibur was going too far, but I thought ok, maybe it's not entirely unrealistic. But now Marius is a mushroom and _nobody _hooks up at the end?!"

The surgeon ripped off his operating mask and stormed backstage. The news that nobody would hook up at the end had been taken a lot worse than Sirius had anticipated and he started wishing he had at least let one or two couples hook up at the end.

"They're not taking it very well are they" said James.

"No but they didn't like the Excalibur at first either"

"But the play is _tonight-"_

"That's it!" said Remus. "If you introduce something even more outrageous, this rewrite will seem _less _outrageous!"  
>"There's no <em>bleeding <em>time!" The cardboard manger collapsed like a card-house when Sirius punched it.

"Yes there is" James yanked a pen from Remus and started scribbling on various pages in his copy of the script. When he was finished he showed it to Sirius who read through it. James had mostly crossed out lines and added new ones and now the plot was fuller of holes and contradictions than ever. Now Marius was an alien from the planet Fungdor, but didn't know it until the angel who was also an alien came down to tell him about his powers of asexual reproduction. Although the idea was brilliant, the songs still told another story. But it would just have to do. Hopefully it was enough to make the cast untwist their knickers and get on with the rehearsal. Sirius told Roy first about the change and awaited his opinion.

"_Aliens?!" _Roy burst out as predicted. "Now I'm a mushroom from _space?!"_

"Basically"

Roy calmed down. "So we're all aliens?"

"Exactly"

"Well… Ok. As long as we're all aliens"

The cast responded a lot better to the alien version and thought it made a lot more sense than the non-alien version and Sirius could finally get off the stage and let the cast get on with the rehearsal. They started with a song that had at first been titled _Thinking of you _but was now called _Thinking of me. _

Sitting below the stage and watching, Sirius didn't notice Cas sneak up beside him.

"That works" she whispered. "Unlike changing _You rock my world _to _You block my herd"_

"I'd like to see you do better in less than 24 hours"  
>"And changing <em>Into deep <em>to _Into sheep _might give people the wrong idea"  
>"It's a herding ballad. Get your mind out of the gutter"<p>

Cas summoned a chair and sat down with a pink clip-board on her lap.

"So you know Mac has that rule. Why don't you just get it back? She's just grouchy that couple she was rooting for in _Spells & Curses _didn't hook up in the season final"

"I don't know. There's this man-law about doing things women ask you to do, you wouldn't understand"

"So I'm asking you to get it back"

"One again one"

Cas showed the statistics on her clip-board. "Look" she said, pointing at the top graph with her Cherry, 9 inches, merrow fin.

"84 % of all girls at Hogwarts are straight. 12 % are gay, 3 % are bi and 1 % crossed the box that said 'other/none of the above/confused etc. 72 % of all the straight girls is in favour of two cute blokes hooking up. For the gays the percentage is 90 % and for the bi's it's 87. Do you see my point? It's not one against one; it's one large majority for and one teeny minority against"

Cas had never sounded brainier. There was just something about clip-boards and percentages that could make anybody come off as brainy.

"So?" said Sirius. "What of it?"

"'What of it'? The last season of Spells & Curses featured three lesbian couples but no male couples and I for one am pretty sick of men getting all the fetish fuel they want but us ladies never getting any! As a devoted feminist I demand equal objectification and fetishization!"

Cas took her clip-board and left.

"I guess we have no choice but to get the rule back" said James.

Or, rather, bring Fletcher to the Chinese Torture Chamber and gush water at him and maybe also some soap until he agreed to get the rule back.

A mixture of water and lather dripped from Fletcher's now less dirty and more fragrant head.

"You will have to kill me!" he shouted nobly and coughed when water was accidentally hosed directly into his mouth. He had been surprisingly resistant. Fletcher was perhaps a coward but he was a noble coward and he was just as required to obey the man-law like any other biological male and that law clearly stated that it was not ok to betray any woman who was at least a six on the attractiveness scale unless she was a Slytherin in which case she had to be at least an eight.

So Fletcher was given a towel and then he was free to leave.

"There's always plan B" said Sirius, thinking that perhaps Remus could use some of that compassionate wonk jargon to get Mac to say where the rule was.  
>"How will bubblegum solve anything?" Remus asked.<p>

"Careful you don't want to be too quirky"  
>"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone and so forth"<p>

"Do you know that quirky means attractive in an unusual way?" James asked.

"Now's not the time to fantasize like some woman" said Sirius.

"So stop doing it, then"

"Obviously I meant that you find out where the rule is by, I don't know, doing your thing"

"My 'thing' I don't have a 'thing" said Remus.

"Sure you do, your compassionate wonk thing"

"I don't do 'things'. You do 'things'"

"But I don't do your 'thing' because you do your 'thing' a lot more convincingly"

"_It's not a 'thing'!"_

"Exactly, that's why you need to do it"

"I'm not going to lie if that's what you're implying"

"That is another one of your things"

Remus just stared at him and Sirius knew immediately that there was no way he'd do the compassionate wonk thing now.

"Whatever. I kind of like the new version" said Remus and left.

"Damn it, Padfoot" said James. "Would it have killed you to say '_Please_ do your compassionate wonk thing'?"

"Well it's too late to cry over that now!"  
>Sirius leaned against the door, at loss of what to do. His and James's top finder candidates were unwilling to find the rule for them and they didn't want to go around asking Hufflepuffs because most people didn't know the rule existed and fewer believed in it, nor could they look for it themselves because they didn't even know what it looked like. It seemed like they would just have to bring prefect Clover back to the Chinese Torture Chamber.<p>

Mac sat in the library with the reworked script in one hand and a chandelier in the other, looking lukewarm. When she was finished she put down both items on the table.

"So… What do you think?" Remus asked, not expecting any shower of praise but sort of hoping there was something in the script that was worth a little bit of approval.

"Honestly?" said Mac. "It does bother me they all turn out to be aliens"

"That was just added so they'd get over the mush- the ace shock"

"'Planet Fungdor'? 'Powers of asexual reproduction'? Not only are we likened to mushrooms, we can't possibly be human either?"

There really was no pleasing some people. Remus took the script back.

"Alright. No aliens"

So Mac didn't like the alien version and the cast didn't like the mushroom version. Pleasing everybody had never been more difficult. But since Mac had the rule she would just have to get priority. Remus gave her the version without aliens and Mac took a quick look at it and put it down when she was finished.

"Alright" she said tiredly as if she just wanted to spare herself from more offensive versions and reached inside her robes to remove her badge, which she had used to attach a folded piece of paper to the insides of the garment.

"It came in a pretty little chest with a nice ribbon but massive gold objects are just too eye catching"

She gave the rule to Remus and wished him good luck before leaving the library. Remus unfolded the rule and just stared at it. Here it was, truly a rule worthy of the name, a rule of rules, a rule that knew no limits. He folded it again and hid it like Mac had and left to bring the rule to McGonagall when he was tackled to the floor from behind.

"Where is it?" Sirius asked.

"Get off!" Although pinned down, Remus managed to roll onto his back.

"Golden chest…" Sirius mumbled and his eyes fell upon the badge. "Did you forget to 'forget' it?" he asked and unhooked the badge and pinched the rule with ease.

"You know" he said as he unfolded it. "Sod the law because the alien version is just brilliant"

"I know but unfortunately Mac didn't think so"

"There's just no pleasing some people"

"She was ok with the non-alien version"

"So let's just have some aliens, then" said James and poked them both with the fake-Excalibur so they'd get up. "The three wise surgeons can be aliens"

"Where did the door go?" Peter asked.

Perfect, just perfect. 10 minutes until the rushed and poorly prepared performance and the door was missing.

Cas sat by one of the mirrors backstage, adjusting her blue hat.

"Very well played" she said and brushed some hair over her shoulder. "I split them up and then you got them back together so we could trap them with invisibility runes right where we wanted them. It sounds completely unnecessary and farfetched but that's just how unfathomably brilliant the plan was. Isn't that right, Mac, or shall I say Brunette ABBA girl!"

"I wish it could have been solved differently" said Mac and removed the last roller from her massive perm. "But we did ask for permission to do this show in September. Although I would have really liked to see that rewritten Nativity Musical"

One minute remained until the show started. Cas got off her chair.

"Our show may not be progressive or controversial or have any artistic value but it will be catchy!"

They listened while McGonagall introduced their act and ran out on stage like Olympic participants.


	17. December 17

December 17

There was no time to mope over having been double-crossed by girls because today was the day the people from Spells & Curses were expected to arrive. All students had been sent home after breakfast as promised. Sirius plucked some items of clothing from the costume rack backstage and gave them to James.

"You're the director and your hobby is wildlife" he explained.

James looked at the flannel shirt and the matching hat he had been given.

"Why am I a lumberjack?"

"Because you never wanted to be a barber"

"Come on, just give me a beret and a polo-neck or something!"

"It's called _characterization, _ok? You don't want to play a stereotype. Now, Wormtail is the camera man who is also a furry" Sirius placed a pair of furry, pointy ears on Peter's head next.

"What's a furry?" Peter asked.

Sirius draped his head with a red scarf and tied a neat bow.

"Me, I'm the elusive lead actress Lycogala Slime and Moony is the elderly woman producer who recently had her first grandchild" Sirius pulled a wig of curly, white hair over Remus's head and put on top a wide-brimmed hat with satin roses.

"So, since the WBBC people are way too posh for any cheap Hogwarts food I think they'd be the types to bring a picnic"

Sirius picked up a basket.

"Having fun?" Remus asked.

"Yes I am why do you ask?"

"Why would you cast yourself as the Little Red Riding Hood?" James asked and put the flannel shirt back on the hanger. "What are you trying to say?"

"It's not the Little Red Riding Hood, it's Lycogala Slime. She actually has a scarf like this, a similar one anyway"

Remus took off the hat and wig and began to search various drawers.

"If you don't want to be a girl, that's fine" said Sirius. "If you really want to you can be the furry"

Next Remus ripped off a strip from a roll of duct tape and put it over Sirius's mouth. Then he yanked a beard from a box of beards as well as a sombrero, said he had an idea and left. Sirius ripped off the tape.

"My what large toes you have" he muttered.

"You could have made it happen but you just _had _to pick up the basket" James shook his head.

"It'll happen don't you worry"

It was quarter to eleven and there wasn't much time to worry about characterization. They would all just have to go with fake beards, wigs and sunglasses and hope the staff didn't know what the staff at the WBBC looked like.

To say the staff was welcoming was an understatement. They were waiting outside the entrance in their finest robes and hairdos with a bottle of champagne.

"Welcome, welcome!" said professor Slughorn and held the door open. "Do come in!"  
>"Campbell, do something" said Sirius snootily and brushed by the teachers nonchalantly with his nose in the air.<p>

"Please don't make eye contact with Mr Roth he doesn't like that" said James

"Sorry, so sorry" said Slughorn and bowed all the way to the floor.

"We were expecting more people" said Flitwick.

"Yes well the limo was very small" said James. "I'm the director you can just call me 'sir'. You all recognize Mr Roth and his fur coat and yes, that is the fur coat that he wore at the WAFTA awards"

Sirius sighed heavily and stuck a cigar in his mouth and waited with his arms crossed for James to light it.

Professor Sprout leaned closer to professor McGonagall. "I knew I recognized that coat from the Daily Erised!" she whispered excitedly.

"That beard is new" said McGonagall. "But everybody is Hare Krishna nowadays, aren't they?

"Anyway" James went on. "There's Herbie our camera man and Des our producer. The rest of us should be here any minute. The roads were too slippery for our useless drivers, apparently"

"Drivers can be so stupid!" said Sprout. "Would you like-"

"For you all to go away now? Yes that would be marvelous thank you" James took the champagne and the opener and uncorked it. Then he took the cigar from Sirius's mouth and gave him the champagne. Sirius had a sip and wouldn't have spitted it out more quickly had it been vintage rat piss.

"This isn't real Champagne! You just switched labels didn't you?"

"Alright, it's Cava-" confessed Slughorn, his nose still touching the floor.

"Some _Portuguese crap?!"_

"Spanish"

Sirius gave the bottle to Sprout and stormed up the stairs, tripping over his long beard a couple of times.

"Coffee?" Sprout asked apologetically.

"I have the contract here" said Remus and unrolled a scroll. "The premises were supposed to be empty at 11:00 sharp. That was the agreement"

"We know but-"

"Shushush! Just go and this need not be brought to court"

The teachers left silently to pack for their departure. All that was left to do now was to work out a trap.

Night came. When it came to deadlines the rules clearly stated that you always had until midnight of the date in question unless otherwise specified. The lads sat huddled together in a cold cave deep inside the forest and watched a single dot on Scrappy approach the cave fast for it was almost midnight now. The fake Excalibur lied on the ground on a safe distance from them. It was Sirius's annoying attempt to dress them all up as characters from a classic Perrault report that had sparked the idea of just placing the _Somnus Curse _upon the replica, a curse popularized by Perrault and described in his famous case study _Sleeping Beauty. _

It was pitch dark and snowing outside the cave opening. Even the crackling fire seemed to be freezing and the wait was too unnerving for words and never had they hated _American Pie _more.

"One more time from the top!" said James. "_A long, long time ago"_

"Can't we do _Row, row, row your boat?" _ Peter asked.

"_No" _said everybody else.

The trees outside creaked from the hard wind.

"Why are we sitting here anyway?" Peter asked.

"We're waiting for the monster"

"_What?"_

A pocket compass-watch started ringing, announcing that it was now officially midnight. Growling was heard.


	18. The Hound of Basketville

December 18

Not two seconds had passed after the alarm had gone off before the hideous face with the bushy brows and shark teeth appeared in the cave opening and took one look at the Excalibur before jumping it. The second his scarred fingers touched the cursed item he fell into a slumber like a sack of comatose potatoes.

"That was easy" said Sirius, getting up to put some shackles on the Monster.

"I know I don't know what Malleus was fussing about" said James and picked up the map and folded a perfect square. When Remus had put out the fire they left the cave and rolled a perfectly round stone before the opening and wrote _Close Sesame _on it with a rune crayon. At last was the monster finally sealed and the prophecy successfully fulfilled as far as the lads were concerned, and they looked forward to returning to their warm dorm and calculate just how much Simon owed them for the trouble and find a new quest to hijack.

Having Hogwarts to themselves was as ducky as they had imagined. They didn't have to go down to the Great Hall for breakfast and house elves were always on standby, ready to cater to their every need.

"I don't know what you have against house elves" said James while one house elf fluffed his pillow and another refilled his glass of orange juice. "I really don't"

"That's fine" said Sirius, taking a basket of croissants from a house elf and shoved him away. "My shoes are there"

The house elf picked up the shoes and left the dorm. Another untied the Daily Prophet from a post-owl and brought it to James.

"Sure it would be nicer if they all looked like harem women and not corrupt hobbits" he said, unrolling the newspaper. "But you can't have everything"  
>"You can in sultanates" Sirius put down the basket and picked up his notebook and his calculator. "Any cute rescue stories? Or cute newborns at some zoo?"<p>

If they had thought that they had saved Yuleday they were sorely mistaken. The headline of the morning read: _The Yule Goat mysteriously disappeared! Aurors suspect kidnapping!_

James browsed by articles about ElfAssist Ltd. increasing unemployment rates and illegal wand core collecting.

"'_Experts believe Yuleday is under threat.'" _he read. "First the helpers go on strike and now this"

He turned to the next page.

"'_A terrible creature was reported terrorizing Basketville in Hogsmead this morning. Footprints of a medium sized hound are being analyzed.' _That is disturbingly coincidental"

Sirius kicked off his duvet and summoned a towel from across the floor.

"Or, is it ironic?"

"I don't think so. We have nothing to do with this so why do I feel partially responsible?"

"I have no idea. It's not the Monster and it's not that time of the month. I think you're just too used to getting the blame for everything that you just automatically think it's your fault although you're innocent as an angel"

"I guess"  
>"It's like when people lose an arm but still feel it. It's all in their heads"<br>The kidnapping was, according to the article, said to have taken place sometime between the 16th and 17th and they had been very convinced it was Voldemort's plan to unleash the Monster on the Yule Goat. Had he kidnapped him prior to coming to get the Excalibur?

"Don't tell me we have to wake him" said James.

"We will just have to go back and search the place, we have the time" said Sirius and headed towards the shower.

"Can't the aurors take care of it?" Peter asked and received very condescending 'no's' for a reply.


	19. Shishi the Kappa

December 19

The many passages inside the Ear Fell Mountain were full of doors, but they were tiny doors. The prison dungeons shared the mountain with the Toy Factory and the doors had clearly been constructed by the tiny helpers, some of which were sometimes seen coming out for a lengthy smoking break.

"If only there was something smaller than small doors" said Peter. "Wait! What about me?"  
>He whipped out his bladdernut, 7 inches, selkiewhisker. "<em>Rattus prism power make-up!"<em>

He shut his eyes tightly and became red in the face from the strain. It took him six tries to get both the syllable emphasizing and wand movement right. But a cat was quick to emerge from the shadows to chase his ratty being.

"Only six times and without the training tiara, too" said James. "Well, now what?"

"Blow it up?" Sirius suggested.

Remus reached inside his coat pocket and searched among his pocket globe casings until he found the one with the right label. "You know how beasts take up a lot of space?"

"Yes"

"Well, I thought that it would be really neat if you could keep them in pocket-sized containers such as this one. Then you could bring several with you at a time"

The pocket globe opened like an oyster when Remus threw it on the ground and the kappa popped out in a cloud of white smoke. Being the size of a gnome he could easily fit through the door. When he bent over to pick up the casing all the water poured out from the bowl on his head.

"Shishi!" he exclaimed.

"I think that's his name" said Remus and tore an arm off the river imp and told him to go find a larger door. Shishi bowed humbly.

"Subarashii chin-chin mono" he said in a deep voice before disappearing into the small door and it took him only one American Pie verse to find a wizard-sized entrance. Shishi received his arm back for the good work and was trapped inside the casing again.

It was very quiet inside the pleasantly warm entrance hall of the toy factory, not at all booming with the sound of machinery. But the boys could hear the faint sound of chatting and followed it to a largely empty woodworking where a couple of gnomes with their names on pointy hats sat on high stools playing cards and drinking mulled wine, not remotely stressed by the large quantity of unfinished toys that surrounded them.

"Excuse us" said James. "But I don't suppose you have any clue of where the Yule Goat might be?"

But none of the gnomes took any notice of his presence. One of them asked the others if they wanted their cups refilled. Sirius searched Remus's coat pockets for a casing labeled 'empty' and let it eat a balding gnome.

"Oi!" said Pinky.

"Any clue where the Yule Goat might be?" Sirius asked.

"Why would _we _tell _you_?" asked Conky snidely.

"Why wouldn't you?"

All the gnomes tossed their cards in the discard pile and Nozzles gathered them together.

"Pfft typical wizards being bossy and oppressive…" he muttered while shuffling.

"Strutting around think they own the world just because they're tall…" said Conky.

"Talk to him then, he's short" said Sirius and nudged Remus towards the gnomes. "Go on, show your vampire teeth"

"I'm not a vampire" said Remus. Sirius pulled him aside.

"Pretend. They're just gnomes"

"I can't"

"Why not?"

"Because…"

Remus didn't know why he found it so difficult to say that he had found the goat horns in the cave and attached them to the parting staff and then used it to separate the wolf from himself once and for all, but it was probably for the same reason he had lied about not having read the Book of Epic Weapons; he had expected to be told there'd be some terrible downside because for some reason, although nobody ever said directly there was no hope for him to ever be normal, the popular belief seemed to be that it could not be achieved without a cost that would inevitably be higher than simply putting up with the condition he wanted to be free from. But he owed it to himself to try, not only for himself but for everybody who could be helped if it worked, why couldn't people see that? Besides, the forests were already full of ordinary wolves terrorizing chicken farms, what difference would one more make even if it happened to have a slightly different tail? But the fact that Sirius had ripped out the page about the parting staff from the book suggested that he thought there was some kind of difference.  
>"I had all the pieces to the parting staff and… guess what? I'm cured"<br>The guilt was just ridiculous. First Remus felt guilty for being cursed and then he felt guilty for not being cursed. What would it take to not feel guilty?

"Congratulations" said Sirius in a tone that didn't really match his words. "Is it how you always imagined it would be?"

"It's only been one day…"

"Well, that's great that you found something that worked"  
>"It doesn't sound like you think it's great"<p>

Sirius returned to the gnomes.

"I'm a veela, does that count for anything?"

Pinky leaned closer to Conky. "What's a veela?" he whispered.

"It's an extremely beautiful French person that everybody wants to shag" Conky explained knowingly.

"Are they oppressed at all?"

"I don't think so. They always get what they want because everybody wants to shag them"

"So, then, what's the catch?"

Conky paused in his shuffling.

"I guess sometimes unattractive people want to shag them, too"

"No catch?" said Sirius. "I once lost three weeks because somebody put Roofie potion in my ginger ale. People automatically assume I'm stupid and I have to repeat myself billions of times because they can't stop gawping- _stop gawping!"_

"Sorry" said Pinky. "What did you say?"

"Never mind the jealousy I provoke and whenever I complain it just sounds like I'm bragging"

Conky picked up the cards again and started dealing.

"But you _are _bragging"

"Oh, boo-hoo" mumbled Nozzles dryly.

"Maybe a little" said Sirius. "But there are times I wish I was like everybody else because then people would treat me with respect and like me for me. But then I remember that everybody else is really boring and who cares about them?"

"You would say that because everybody wants to shag you"

"My grandparents had to leave Montmartre to avoid having their heads cut off by hair collectors. Having everybody wanting to shag you is not what it's cracked up to be. But watch this"

Sirius drew to him a bucket of paint from the corner and removed the lid. He turned it upside down over his head. Paint splashed in all directions and coloured every face red but Sirius remained completely undefiled. The gnomes wiped their faces with their sleeves and agreed after a short discussion that having un-defilable hair was a pretty awesome power to have.

"Alright" said Conky. "We're all on strike so most of us weren't here when it happened but I was. Mr Goat just came in here to shout at us for being slow and threatened to fire us all and get free labour from ElfAssist. Then I saw it, The Monster from the news. It attacked Mr Goat from behind and pulled him away with him and we haven't seen him or heard from him since"  
>James pulled off his scarf and used it to wipe paint from his glasses.<p>

"A monster?"

"Not just a monster. _The_ Monster"

"Describe him"

"You know, huge red eyes"

"Glowing?"

"Yes"

"No"

"Yes"

"No. If they were glowing it wasn't _the _Monster"  
>"Wait a minute" said Remus. "He had the horns. He was here and took them"<p>

"Maybe, but none of these gnomes actually saw him so why are they lying? Because they want more pay"  
>The gnomes gawped so their tongues nearly fell out.<p>

"That's absurd!" squeaked Pinky.

Wasting more time on wasting time on the uncooperative gnomes was simply a waste of time. The lads needed to search the place and what eventually led them to find Mr Goat was the warmth from the smithy, for why would it be warm inside the smithy if the gnomes were on strike? So an unconscious Mr Goat would cook in his juices in what had to be an extremely hot glass coffin. Remus smashed it with a hammer he had grabbed on his way in. Without the horns Mr Goat was really just a bald and slightly fat man with short legs in need of medical attention.


	20. Mr Goat

December 20

The screen with the green squiggly lines that Mr Goat was connected to beeped regularly. He was badly blistered and still in a coma and he looked pitiful among the layers of white sheets that kept him warm here in St Incus's hospital in Ear Fell. The healers didn't know when he'd recover from the belladonna seed and mandrake tear poisoning and even if he woke up right now Yule was already ruined because the toy factory was just too behind in the production department. Peter crumpled his wish list and tossed it in the bin beside the bed.

"It's just a man in a suit anyway" he muttered bitterly.

Mr Goat's eyes rolled up like window shades and Peter backed into the IV stand.

Mr Goat was red as a cooked ham and it took him a lot of strain to sit up.

"Where am I?" he asked.

"St Incus" James informed him.

"Those pesky gnomes!" Mr Goat shook a fist weakly. "Traitors! Why can't they look past their selfish needs and think of the children?"

"Gnomes have needs, too. Needs for pay I mean"

"They don't need pay they live and eat in the factory"

"They might want to go to the cinema every now and then"

"Piffle! They used to be happy with what they had but they got comfortable. Some gnomes don't even have a roof over their heads. Yule is ruined for all the children of the western world"

Mr Goat fell back on his pillow and stared dejectedly at the ceiling.

"I know where you can get free labour" said Sirius.

"Where?"

"On one condition: you can't ask where. But it's free"

"Splendid!" Mr Goat beamed like a ray of sunshine. A healer came in with his lunch which consisted of a couple of slices of bread with fish baked inside.


	21. Back In The Cave

December 21

The news reported daily of the white wolf that was scaring the light out of the Hogsmead residents and of the aurors and hunters that had gotten injured in their failed attempts to catch it. And because Remus wasn't interested in fatuous waffle he didn't read news papers and was thus still blissfully unaware of all this.

It was sometime after lunch. James and Sirius were in the cave keeping themselves warm by infusing their lungs with nicotine while Shishi the Kappa happily desecrated Greyback in the most vulgar ways.

"I think we should just tell him" said James. "It's like Barnabas Brocken once said: 'communication is the foundation of all good tactics.' Nothing good ever comes from withholding information. It will get out and it will all be very dramatic, very 'How could you not tell me?' and so forth. Let's just tell him before somebody dies"  
>Sirius scratched his back with the torn off kappa arm.<p>

"What good will that do? You want to tell him, I want to kill it, he will further delay everything with his vegan tree hugger jargon. I mean, he knew what he was doing so what did he expect? No, let's just find it and pump it full of silver"

Shishi cackled as it hopped out of its rags and ran around pretending to be a barrel organ. Sirius popped the globe casing at his head and thought to himself that it would be really wicked if globe beasts such as these could be made to fight each other. Then he and James left the cave and returned to Hogwarts. The first thing they noticed when they came out of the forest was that the chimney on Hagrid's hut was reeking and when they saw that Sprout was inside one of the greenhouses they tip-toed back into the forest because Sprout's detentions were really hard to get out of.


	22. The Hogsmead Rabbit Farm

December 22

The Hogsmead rabbit farm rested in an eerie veil of darkness. James and Sirius loaded their rifles and kicked the gate open. It was odd, James had spent countless of days playing hunter as a child in his backyard and now when he was doing it for real he found very little, if any, pleasure in it. And there really was no cause for gloominess for this was something everybody would benefit from and if it had been anything else such as a vampire or yeti he and Sirius would surely have risen to the task more breezily. But it was probably just the ghost of To-Good-To-Be-True messing with their minds and being frostbitten wasn't a very merry experience to begin with.

Festive Yule lights hung over the windows of the rabbit farm. The snow on the ground showed no signs of recent trespassing but when the wind stopped to take a breath James swore he could hear the faint sound of growling coming from inside the farm house. He and Sirius loaded their rifles and sneaked inside, keeping as quiet as they could and practically holding their breaths.

The rabbits were wide awake and trembling. Cages clanked when rapid steps jumped from one to another. Everything happened so fast. When James turned around Sirius was already on the ground and a ball of white furriness was quickly seeping through bite marks his neck.


	23. A Day In The Shoes

December 23

The next day Sirius was a bit achy and extremely shaken. Thoughts of being subjected to girl jokes and called cuddly and having to dye his hair in the wintertime had haunted him all morning and itchy molars were more distressing that he had ever imagined. Madam Pomfrey came out from her office with a clip-board and a pen.

"Any urge to kill?" she asked.

"Not recently"

"Killing fantasies?"

"Not recently"  
>"Blood thirst"<p>

"No"  
>"Chocolate craving?"<p>

Sirius stared at Pomfrey, horrified. "A little!"

Pomfrey put down the clip-board and dazzled Sirius temporarily with her diagnostic wand.

"Sudden onset central heterochromia…" she mumbled and stopped to make a quick note of it. Then she whipped out a ruler from her apron pocket and measured Sirius's cuspids.

"A tad elongated" she said and pocketed the ruler again. "This is all very unusual. I don't know of any creature that just comes out of nowhere and merges with a human. I've mailed experts all over the world but you must report to me if you experience anything remotely unusual"

Pomfrey took her clip board and left to fetch a tooth file and some more morphine.

"You're probably fine" said James, although he was visibly shaken as well.

"Try everything once, I always say" Sirius stuck his wand in his mouth sadly and fired off some gum. He hadn't had gum for years. He had thought all his life that gum was for girls with pigtails, but last night's events had forced him to reevaluate a lot of his preconceived notions. Besides, a lot of things that were perceived as girly had not always been so, like horse riding and rope skipping for example. Activities only became girly when girls decided to hijack them in the name of gender equality. Well, it was time to reclaim some of the things they had stolen and turned girly and Sirius was going to start with the gum balls.

"We'll get it the second time" said James. "We weren't prepared. Can we get you anything?"

"A porcupine with a long neck"  
>"I'll see what I can do"<p>

James left with Peter tailing after him. The hospital wing became so unbearably still and silent and all that was heard was Pomfrey scribbling on her journals in her office. Sirius blew a bubble the size of his head before it popped. He had thought of using the parting staff on himself, but wondered if it would make him a hypocrite. Although his problem wasn't with Remus using the thing; his problem was with his lying and secret keeping because if he now he had expected disproval it was probably because he had disproved of it himself on some level anyway and lacked good arguments to support his actions.

The door opened and Sirius went from feeling generally peeved to guilty for his reckless actions.

"No rush" he said.

But Remus spared no time dilly-dallying and Sirius blacked out when he was whacked over the head with the parting staff. When he regained consciousness again his head really hurt. Remus lied on the floor beside the ash remains of the staff. Sirius got off his bed and crouched by his side.

"Do you want to go to Malleus's office and have a duel with globe beasts?"

"Yeah ok"

Sirius pulled Remus to his feet. Now was probably not a good time to ask if it had been absolutely necessary to whack him over the head with the staff. Those horns could seriously have poked his eyes out.


	24. A Yule Eve Journey

December 24

The Ear Fell landscape on Yule Eve truly put the holiday cards to shame. The snow fell like sifted powdered sugar on the land and formed a meringue like coating. Peter's stomach rumbled.

"I'm fit for flying I know it" slurred Mr Goat while a healer tightened a blood pressure meter around his bandaged arm. "Nurses, pfft! _Women!"_

"You're drugged to your teeth with morphine" said the male healer and squeezed the pump.

"But I _feel fine!" _insisted Mr Goat.

"Those are the air travelling laws"

The healer removed the blood pressure meter and left the room.

"Women these days" snorted Mr Goat. "Think they are men. And men think they are women. What is this world we live in?"

"There are crazier things" said Sirius.

Mr Goat reached for his bowl of unfinished liver casserole. Peter had heard of bad hospital food but had always thought it was an exaggeration until now, after all, a lot of students complained about the school food and he had always found the criticism to be unwarranted. He felt really bad for Mr. Goat and wondered how Mrs. Goat could have left him. Now he had nobody to bring him homemade food.

"I guess Yule is officially ruined" said Mr Goat and licked his bowl clean. "If only there was somebody that could fill in for me. Say… what are you chaps doing tonight?"

"Oh, we thought we'd just steal some liquor and defy some air travelling laws" said James.

"Why don't you defy those laws for me?"

"Indoors"  
>"Pleeeease?" Mr Goat put his hands together.<p>

"Oh, _all right!"_

Mr Goat clapped his bandaged hands happily and passed around a box of ginger snaps.

An hour remained until the departure and the new workers were already tidying up after themselves in the woodworking.

"Who's been in charge?" James asked.

"Cyllene" said Sirius. "You know my wife?"

"A woman doesn't automatically become your wife just because she throws a rabbit carcass at you"  
>Sirius removed the glove on his left hand. A platinum ring sparkled on his ring finger.<p>

"I was bored. It was all very unplanned and spontaneous. Hey, don't judge! She married me _first!_"

"Well, you always said you resent marrying for love"

When the workers thought they were finished tidying up they sat down around the table. The one that Peter recognized as Hatty began shuffling a deck of cards. James went up to the rummy players.

"Does anybody know how to work a lathe per chance?" he asked.

"Why?" Hatty asked.

"We need some goat horns because we're filling in for Mr Goat tonight"

"I think there are some left from lunch" said another and disappeared for a moment.

"So, where's Cyllene?" James asked. Hatty finished dealing.

"Cyllene was convicted the other day for burning down a gum factory and assaulting aurors" he said.

"Why does she have such issues with gum?"

"The hunters got her friend" replied another. "Years ago. Surgically removed all her teeth. The itchy gum and her inability to sooth it drove her so mad she… she died"  
>A Yule song from the radio in the corner filled the gap of silence that followed the tragic story.<p>

"And where's Skoll?" James asked.

"I'm right here" Skoll replied. Peter hadn't recognized him either with the haircut. They all looked different in their winter-hair. James returned the trading card to Skoll.

"Say, how much do you suppose I could get for this card?" Skoll asked.

"I asked this bloke who specializes in quidditch antiquities and he knows a buyer that's willing to pay 200 000, and that's in wizro currency"

"200 000… Do you think you could sell it for me?"

"Sure no problem"

The worker that had gone to fetch the horns returned and sat down to work. He had also brought the crown to which the former horns had been attached, some glue and a piece of cloth that he was still using to wipe the horns. When he finished he put it aside and the scent of glue really drowned out the scent of trash when he opened the bottle to apply some to the bottom of the horns before attaching it to the crown. When he was finished Sirius placed the crown on top of James's woolly hat.

"The costumes are in the chamber upstairs" said the worker and led them up a staircase and pointed at the furthermost door in the corridor and went back downstairs.

The fancily massive doors were unlocked and the room was a mangled mess. The bed looked like a sheep massacre and a knocked-over wardrobe was puking clothes all over the floor. Sirius picked up a brown fur coat.

"Oh yes" he said and stroked it. "It's real"

"I can spray it later" said Remus and put his canned paint back in his bag.

James took the fur coat from Sirius and put it on.

"Ok, who wants to be Mrs. Goat? And try not to fight over the part"

Although Mrs. Goat had two young children she had the wardrobe of an OAP grandmother and therefore it was decided after a democratic voting that the templeless glasses and the pink glittery horns would simply look best on Remus because of his 'intrinsic granny-like qualities'.

"Whatever. You need help" he said and pulled a purple wig over his head.

Sirius cast himself in the role as Lizzy Goat, the impish daughter with the pigtails and red bows and the role of the chubby Little Goat with the propeller hat fell on Peter.

That night all the children of the western world had received a little something in their drink to ensure they wouldn't wake up from the Goat Family's noisy delivery of items nobody had asked for, as was tradition. Peter was shaking in his lederhosen. It was time for take-off and now that all the mulled wine was finished he regretted not having just a little just to warm him. The goats were strapped to the Golden Sleigh and the bottomless sack of gifts was already in the backseat. Being the children of the family Sirius and Peter had to sit in the back, each on one side of the sack, while Mr. and Mrs. Goat sat in the front.

Clouds of snow whirled when the sleigh kicked off the ground. When they reached the first batch of rooftops the passengers in the back started dropping presents down chimneys while the passengers in the front steered and crossed names off lists.

Peter reached into the sack and dropped yet another squishy present and missed yet another chimney.

"They're all the same shape and size" he said.

"Must be those modern wrappings" said James.

Sirius unwrapped one of the soft and slightly round packages and Peter shivered at the sight of the severed rabbit head. James nearly crashed into a church tower when Sirius dropped it onto his lap.

"What the hell?!" James threw it away quickly. "It's like that scene from The Godfather"

Sirius unwrapped some more presents.

"They're all dead rabbit heads"

"What?" James looked over his shoulder. "But why? Why would they do such a thing? Is it a curse?"

"Don't ask me I don't speak Werewolf"

"Maybe they mistook the sack for the bin" said Peter. "And put the real presents in the bin"

"Sounds plausible enough" said Sirius. "What are you huffing and puffing for _now?"_

Remus turned around in his seat, looking huffed.

"Well" he said and removed the templeless glasses. "If you had to work in a factory without pay for people who oppressed you making gifts for children who would grow up to oppress you, would you not stuff the sack full of dead rabbit heads if you had the chance?"

"I suppose that is exactly what I'd do"

Dropping rabbit heads down chimneys didn't feel right but since both Sirius and Remus were doing it Peter thought that he had to do it too. Suddenly they heard sirens behind them.

"Shit! Aurors!" said James and whipped the goats so they'd quicken up.

"What are you doing? You have to pull over!" said Remus.

"I'd rather _not _go to jail tonight"  
>"If you don't pull over we will all end up in jail"<p>

"No, if I pull over we will end up in jail. If I don't we won't, that's kind of the point"

"You can't argue with that logic" said Sirius and aimed the rabbit heads at a dark mark in the distance. Remus reached back and tried to take the sack from him.

"Stop that!"

"This is for the oppressed werewolves everywhere!"  
>"No, it's for the kicks you get from showing off how <em>edgy <em>and _non-conformist _you are!"

"So it's ok do drop rabbit heads until the aurors show up, huh, is that you're saying?"

"_Well yeah!"_

Remus kept trying to take the sack and rabbit heads from Sirius and Sirius kept shoving him away.

"Stop rolling around back there, you're making the flight shaky" said James and pulled Remus back to his seat. "Stun them or something"  
>"As long as we don't stun them they won't stun us <em>if we pull over"<em>

"If we stun them they won't be able to stun us, that's _kind of the point"_

"You can't argue with that logic" said Sirius and tried to stun the aurors. The aurors retaliated immediately. The cascade of stunning charms that shot back and forth looked like a meteor shower and drove the sleigh off track. Suddenly hot lava bubbled in volcanoes below while dragons in winter scales circled above. One massive light blue dragon covered in thorns and with a flail for a tail dived towards the sleigh with its jaws wide open. Its tongue glowed red hot behind the icicle teeth and it was fuming from the throat. A massive ball of compacted fire rolled out of its mouth and turned the goats into flakes of ashes. Peter clung to the back of the sleigh as it fell towards the growing volcano opening and thought with eyes shut that this was it; he was going to die, he was going to die, he was going to die. Something was tugging at his braces, probably Death, or perhaps an angel. Perhaps it was better to just go along than stay on Earth and explain to his mother why he had dropped severed rabbit heads from Mr Goat's sleigh. He let go. He felt himself being lifted to heaven. He could see the light. He felt a sharp kick in his bare leg.

"You're not light as a feather, you know!" said Sirius who was holding on to a pocket in James's fur coat with his other hand, and James was clinging to Remus's ankles and Remus was clinging to a string of multipurpose gum that had gotten stuck to the dragon's hind leg. Peter tried to hold on to the ends of the red boa that was part of Lizzy Goat's costume but switched to Lizzy's bootstraps quickly so as to not strangle Sirius.

The dragon was obviously bothered by having a bunch wizards stuck to its leg and tried to shake them off but when that failed it decided to prepare for a landing. It slowed down and the aurors caught up and stunned it. The dragon fell like a sleigh without goats and crushed bones that weren't its own.


	25. Not So Smooth Criminals

December 25

The mattress felt like one giant brick. Blast-ended roaches crawled on the brick walls. Lizzy Goat's pointy heels threatened to poke James's eyes out. He sat up. Here he was now, whole but achy, in the Hogsmead juvenile jail on Yule Day, arrested for vandalism, drunk driving and assaulting aurors.

"That just sounds worse than it really is" he said. "What about the good cause? Why is it that every time we try to do something good we end up looking bad?"

Sirius fumbled after his compact mirror/magnifying glass/clock and looked less than pleased with the toll the fall had taken on his make-up.

"That's just how it is for activists" he said, wiping his face with his boa. "You know you're doing a good thing when you're arrested. There will always be bad forces trying to stop you"

He showed Remus the mirror. Last night the blue eye shadow and blue lipstick had made him look like a victim of drowning. Now he looked like a tacky clown prostitute.

"From driving drunk?" he asked and untied his flowery neckerchief.

"It's a little too late to act condemnatory"

This was truly the worst Yule Day ever. Nobody wanted to bail them out and a guard had placed a record player just outside their cell and forced them to listen to _Happy Xmas (War Is Over) _on repeat. Peter put his hands to his ears.

"Make it stop!"

James really had to hand it to Yoko for having found a recyclable way to ruin Yule for the entire world yearly and for breaking up The Beatles. Truly, she was an inspiration to aspiring troublemakers everywhere. He was tempted to write a really soppy Yule song himself to torture the nation with. Sirius glanced at him.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"That depends what are you thinking?"

The music stopped, as if by a Yule miracle. Then the door opened.

"Ok boys and girls you're free" said a guard and ushered them out of the cell.

"Has someone bailed us out?" James asked but the guard refused to say and just returned their possessions and showed them to the exit. From there they crossed the street and followed another to Diagon Alley Square. The sky was clear and the air was crisp and the queue to the floo-station was already turning verbal arguments into physical ones. Elves were venturing newspapers in every street corner.

"Extra! Extra!" shouted one such elf. "Princess Cyllene of Far Far Away has escaped 13 years of captivity and is already one of the most influential upper class twits of Wizard Britain! Buy the Daily Prophet for the full story!"

A witch brushed by James in much hurry and dropped a newspaper in a bin and he fished it out. The photograph of a beaming, young woman was printed all over the front page. She had sandy hair that she wore in a French roll and her perfectly filed teeth sparkled like diamonds.

"Wow" he said. "She turned out to be really pretty for a witch who was already pretty"

"That's what make-over potential is" said Sirius. "When all you have to do is put up your hair. Or let it out, depending on how you kept it before"

"Did you know she was a princess?"

"Who?"

"Cyllene!"

James shoved the Prophet in Sirius's face. A post owl came and pecked him in the face until he untied his mail and he became increasingly miserable looking as he read through it.

"You look really grouchy for someone who just found out you're married to a princess" said James.

"I thought I was being edgy and non-conformist. I've just found out I've been un-disowned"

Sirius tossed both the letter and the newspaper in the bin.

"And I didn't even get to have a stag night" he said and sat down on the frozen fountain at the center of the square sullenly and refused to go anywhere until he was dearly promised a belated stag night.

The End.


End file.

Harry Potter