Harry Potter Snape Plays the Dating Game

Snape Plays the Dating Game  
by Ami the QEFM  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, natta, so don't sue me.   
  
Ami's Note: I know the standard "Dating Game" only has three bachelors/bachelorettes, but for the sake of variety I have five.   
  
PG merely for the ideas of Snape in a speedo (I know some people that would enjoy that, sadly enough..), some very *interesting* answers from one bachelorette, a few near-death experiences involving the audience, and some implications I'm not at liberty to discuss at the moment (the FBI's still investigating me.. they hate me, though I can't imagine why ^_^)   
  
This fic is dedicated to the girls in my egroup, HarryPotterLovers. The King of Dead Sexiness himself is here for your personal enjoyment, and no, I do NOT have any mustard! *sorry, inside joke..*   
  
Also, for your amusement and benefit, I have translated a few of the contestants' responses so you can understand what they are saying.   
  
~*~  
  
The scene opens on the same small, shabby studio as our previous episode, same obnoxious pastel hearts painted on the peeling walls; the same gray, near-transparent shade dividing the stage into two sections, and the same stools sitting on the left side of the division.  
  
Same obnoxious, annoying host.  
  
"Hello and welcome to the Wizard Dating Game, with your host, Gilderoy Lockhart! Yaaaaay!" a man with huge teeth said, imitating an announcer and cheering for himself.  
  
"Our lucky bachelor tonight will pick a bachelorette and win a fabulous vacation to--Azkaban! Yes, they will spend three days and two nights at the beautiful Azkaban prison, where they will see former death eaters, mass murderers, and insane raving lunatics! Back to you Vanna!" Lockhart said grandly, holding up a poster of a gloomy, deserted-looking prison and motioning to it enthusiastically.  
  
"Why thank you Gilderoy, and may I say you look stunning today." Lockhart said, batting his eyelashes and imitating a squeaky woman's voice  
  
"Why Vanna, you don't look so bad yourself."  
  
"You look better."  
  
"No, you do."  
  
Lockhart continued to argue with himself for a full ten minutes, then, realizing that what few people were in the studio audience to begin with were leaving, got on to the actual show.  
  
"Now for our lucky bachelor, Severus Snape! Come on out!"  
  
A breeze blew past, ruffling the curtains slightly, but no one appeared on the stage.  
  
"Severus, come on out!" Lockhart repeated, smiling grandly and adjusting the lace collar on his lilac robes.  
  
More shuffling sounds could be heard from behind the curtain, but Snape still did not appear.  
  
"Snapey, get out here! Your public awaits!"  
  
"You can't make me!" Snape's voice was muffled slightly by the heavy curtains.  
  
"Security!"   
  
Two big, buff-looking security guards appeared out of the crowd, disappeared behind the stage curtains, and emerged dragging a kicking, screaming Severus Snape behind them.  
  
Snape looked as if he would blow Lockhart's head off if he had his wand, but unfortunately it had been confiscated backstage.  
  
"Fine, if it will get me out of here, I'll play your stupid little game." Snape grumbled, shooting vicious eye-daggers at Lockhart, who looked ecstatic.  
  
"Someone's gonna play with me! Yaaaaay!" Lockhart squealed happily, hugging Snape joyfully.  
  
"Get off me." Snape looked disgusted and shrugged Lockhart off him.  
  
"Yippee skippee!" Lockhart giggled, motioning to the shade, "Bachelorettes, come on out!"  
  
Five shadows appeared behind the shade, sitting on the stools.  
  
"I feel a strong supernatural presence in this room, oh dear. You are going to DIE!"  
  
"Ten.. no, twenty points from whoever did this!"   
  
"Hisssss.." *translation: When my master gets here he'll chop you all to confetti! Bwahahaha!*  
  
"'Ello."  
  
"Rowr." *translation: Helllllllllo hunk.*  
  
"Oh dear God." Snape mumbled, sinking lower into the cushion of his chair.   
  
Lockhart leaned over and handed him a stack of index cards, blue ink stains were smudged across them forming near-illegible questions, decorated with numerous loops and curlicues.  
  
"I wrote them myself." Lockhart declared proudly, puffing out his chest. Snape looked murderous as he read the first question to himself.  
  
"You want me to read these?" Snape asked warily, staring at Lockhart.  
  
"Yep, read ahead, Snapey."  
  
"Never call me that again unless you would like to find your head sewn to your bedroom carpet one morning." Snape growled, looking even more homicidal (if that were even possible, after all, Snape was NOT pleased). Lockhart just smiled and nodded, wearing a rather pointless grin as Snape began on the first question.  
  
"Bachelorette number one, I love to sunbathe on the Thaimes river so I can wear my favorite pink speedo. Speedo? Sunbathe? Do I LOOK like I sunbathe? Lockhart I'll get you for this..." Snape sighed, pointing to his pale, pasty skin. "What's a speedo, anyway?"  
  
By this point half the audience had run away screaming at the terrifying mental image that had just been bestowed upon them. Lockhart nodded, egging him on, and Snape reluctantly continued, "What do you do for fun?"  
  
"I usually do whatever my aura says to do for that day, but I like to skydive and make death predictions. Did you know that you will die on August 23, 2077?"  
  
Snape grimaced, his sallow skin paling slightly. "Did I at least take Harry Potter with me?"  
  
"No, he died last year. Don't worry about him, dear."  
  
"No he didn't, I just saw him yesterday."  
  
"My inner eye is clouding, I demand you go to the next question!" Bachelorette number one replied huffily, sounding highly insulted.   
  
"Bachelorette number two, if you were a type of sandwich, what kind would you be? Who writes these stupid questions? Oh, nevermind..."  
  
"Peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and jelly! Yaaaaay PB and J! Wait a minute, who invited those guys in white coats?" Lockhart giggled, jumping around the stage. Two men in white coats came, tied him up in a straightjacket, and carried him off backstage, Lockhart still giggling madly.  
  
"Um, I would be a liverwurst and cheese sandwich." Bachelorette number two replied, snorting at the question.  
  
"On to the next card!" Lockhart shouted from the back, where he was still restrained in a straightjacket. "Do these things come in pink?"  
  
"Bachelorette number three, what is your... Gilderoy's grocery list? Toothpaste, hair gel... PUSH-UP BRA?" Snape read aloud, his face turned very pale and he turned to retch into a nearby potted plant. (Ami's Note: Eliza came up with the push-up bra thing, so I have to give her a little credit. Any flames should be directed to her! *points to Eliza, who plucks a heavy biology book out of nowhere and smacks Ami with it*)  
  
"I was wondering where that went..." Lockhart's voice echoed from backstage.   
  
"Urk." Snape burped, still nauseated from reading Lockhart's grocery list, "Bachelorette number three, imagine I am a beautiful, budding flower. Describe me.. blech!"  
  
"Hisssssssssss, sssh shhhh hissssssss." *translation: You are bright red and covered in blood, the blood of that Potter boy! Bwahahahaha!*  
  
Harry Potter, who just happens to be sitting in the audience looks cautiously at Bachelorette number three, then slips farther back toward the exit of the studio.  
  
"Bachelorette number four, describe your ideal mate as an.. animal?"  
  
Bachelorette number four gave a low, rumbling sob, "Well, 'e would be a gray hippogriff, about yay high, " Snape could see the very large shadow motion to a height of about six feet, "Beaky..." the shadow broke down into tears, leaving a very bewildered Snape to continue the interrogation.  
  
"Bachelorette number five, if you were an alcoholic beverage, what would you be?"  
  
"Meowr puuuuuuuuuuuuurr rowr." *translation: TEQUILA!*  
  
Suddenly, music started playing from nowhere and the five bachelorettes got off their stools. One by one, they started dancing to the music, and occasionally singing. Bachelorette number two, refusing to dance, stood off to the side, glaring sternly at the others.  
  
Snape watched in horror as the shadow of bachelorette number one did a dance that looked frighteningly like "the grind".  
  
"Da dun da da dun dun dun dun, da dun da da dun dun dun! TEQUILA!" they all completed at different moments and sat back down.  
  
"Er, okay then. Where was I?" Snape said, arching an eyebrow, "Oh yes, Bachelorette number one. What is your favorite household spell? Wait, what kind of question is that?"  
  
"That is a tough one, but I believe it would be 'incendio'. It's very useful for setting things on FIRE! FIRE FIRE FIRE!" Bachelorette number one replied, pulling her wand out with a flourish and setting the curtains behind her aflame.  
  
After a few fire-wizards had come to extinguish the flames, Snape continued, making a mental note never to have fondue with bachelorette number one.  
  
"Bachelorette number two, same question."  
  
"'Lumos' is the most useful charm I know, so I'll say that. It's very good for catching CERTAIN STUDENTS out of bed at night." Bachelorette number two answered, staring out at the crowd where Ron Weasley and Harry Potter were exchanging nervous glances. Hermione Granger sat beside them, shaking her head scornfully.  
  
"Bachelorette number three, same question."  
  
"Hissssssssssss sss hsss--" *translation: AVADA KE-*   
  
A team of judges came out and immediately silenced bachelorette number three before she could complete her answer and kill off their entire viewing audience. Snape pulled the now-freed Lockhart in front of him to use as a shield.  
  
"Naughty naughty bachelorette, don't kill off our audience." Lockhart scolded as the now-heavily-sedated bachelorette number three was placed back on her stool. Bachelorette number three stared murderously out into the fuzzy crowd, her vision highly blurred from all the medications she had just recieved.  
  
"Hissssssssssssssssss..." *translation: I'll get you Potter, and your little weasel too!*  
  
Harry, still sitting calmly in his seat, turned and translated the parseltongue to Ron and Hermione. Hermione started laughing immediately at the deja vu of the quote. Ron, not understanding the relevance to the muggle movie, just laughed as bachelorette number three, still highly disoriented, fell off her chair.  
  
"Since that question is a little, um, dangerous, we'll skip the other two answers. Different question!" Lockhart ordered, holding up a small cosmetic mirror and admiring his profile in it. "Dang, I'm dead sexy."  
  
Nearly every male member of the audience started snickering at the same time, while Hermione made a strange gagging noise. Some of the females nodded their agreement.   
  
Suddenly, a tall, dark man appeared at the back of the studio. His shaggy black hair was slightly messy and roguish-looking, and his black robes were torn at the knee. "Did someone say 'dead sexy'?"  
  
All eyes shifted to the new stranger, coos and catcalls issuing from all the surrounding females. Yes, it was the King of Dead-Sexiness himself, Sirius Black.  
  
"Sirius? Get out of here, you'll get caught!" Harry cried, leaping to his feet and rushing over to his godfather. Sirius smiled at Harry, embracing his godson affectionately.   
  
"I've already been caught."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"But don't worry Harry, I've already been tried in court and fortunately I got a female judge." Sirius said, still smiling roguishly and winking at his godson.  
  
Harry smiled in pure relief, leading his godfather down to where Hermione and Ron were still gawking at his sudden appearance.  
  
"A-HEM.. If we may continue." Snape coughed, turning attention back to himself as he glared at his archenemy.  
  
"Yes, now, I KNOW I'm sexy, but what is my best quality? My looks, my charm, my awards..." Lockhart said, continuing to admire his own reflection.  
  
"Your immense modesty.." Snape grumbled.  
  
"Yes, my immense modesty. What's a modesty?" Lockhart nodded his agreement, looking confused.  
  
Hermione, the human dictionary, replied, "Modesty is when you are humble and do NOT brag about yourself constantly, you bleach-blond git!"  
  
Ron gawked at her in pure admiration as she sat down. Hermione beamed as Harry and Ron lavished her with their gratitude and respect. Lockhart looked abashed.  
  
"Miss Granger, I do NOT bleach my hair!" he squeaked in an outraged tone.   
  
"Then what is this?" Snape asked, raising an eyebrow and holding up a large white bottle labeled "MacKenzie's best bleach", "I found it in your dressing room."  
  
"What were you doing in my dressing room?" Lockhart protested.  
  
"Snape in Lockhart's dressing room? Eeeew, bad mental image, bad mental image! Get out of my head!" Ron cried, looking utterly disgusted as he hit his forehead with his palm.  
  
"I was TRYING to hide from him." Snape replied hautily.  
  
"By going into his dressing room?" Hermione asked skeptically.  
  
"Oooh, Snapey's got a crush on Gilderoy!" Sirius said mockingly, "I always knew there was something a little off about him..."  
  
Snape's sallow face turned to scarlet. "I do NOT have even the slightest non-homicidal interest in that... that.. that THING."   
  
Lockhart beamed, "Aww, sweetie, don't try to deny it. You know you want me."  
  
Lockhart made a low, flirtatious tiger-growl sound, and Snape's face went from red to green like a very quick traffic signal.  
  
Snape looked both ill and homicidal at the same time. "DIE DIE DIE!" Snape screamed like a deranged madman, pouncing on Lockhart and pounding him as hard as he could manage.  
  
"Jer-ry, Jer-ry, Jer-ry!!" an American wizard in the audience chanted. The British people surrounding him stared as if he were mad.  
  
"Who's Jerry?"  
  
"Nevermind." the American replied, sinking back into his seat.  
  
Meanwhile, the security wizards had managed to pull the still-furious Snape off of Lockhart's head, and Lockhart was sitting about three yards from Snape, looking extremely dazed. Snape was still attempting to kick his legs far enough to hit Lockhart, but his legs weren't quite long enough and got tangled up in his long black robes.  
  
Suddenly, Lockhart let out a bloodcurdling, high-pitched, girlish scream.  
  
"What's wrong? Let me through, I'm a doctor!" a mediwizard came down from the top of the studio, rushing toward Gilderoy.  
  
"HE MESSED UP MY HAIR!" Lockhart bawled, still sitting on the floor and crying like an infant.  
  
The entire audience exploded with laughter; Harry, Ron, and Hermione laughing the hardest.  
  
After some of the crowd had died down, a few camera people came from backstage and tied Snape tightly to his chair. He was placed several feet from Lockhart, who was still sniffling occasionally and checking his hair in his cosmetic mirror.  
  
"On with the show!" the producer called, snapping his fingers for attention as the camera was switched back on.  
  
Snape heaved a heavy sigh, shuffled a bit in his chair until he was able to hold the cards that were placed in his lap properly, and read the first card.  
  
"Bachelorette number four, who is your hero and why?"  
  
"Er, I'd haf' to say Jane Goodall. What she did with those chimps was just amazing.. gets me all warm and fuzzy inside just thinking 'bout it.." Bachelorette number four sniffed loudly, pulling out a large canary-yellow handkerchief and blowing her nose.  
  
"Erm, okay then. Bachelorette number five, if I were to go on a date with you, where would you take me?"  
  
"Rowr mew merorw, purrrrrr meow rowr merowr ROWR!" *translation: First we'd go to a swinging singles' club, then followed by a candlelit dinner of tuna and milk, then we could go back to the Slytherin common room and get to know each other a little better...*  
  
Snape nodded, smiling a bit, "I love tuna... can we have pickles too?"  
  
"Mewr." *translation: Anything you say, studly.*  
  
"Oh PLEASE, she's trying to seduce him before he can even pick one of us!" Bachelorette number one protested, "Get your claws out of him, woman!"  
  
"MROWR!" *translation: Bring it on!*  
  
"No fighting allowed! Detention, both of you!" Bachelorette number two answered, standing up and glaring at bachelorettes number one and five.  
  
"Oh shove it, you rule-following little prat." Bachelorette number one replied, sitting down on her stool huffily. Bachelorette number two tinged pink, her eyes narrowing to slits in her already drawn face.  
  
"I'm so SICK of being the adult around here! For once, just ONCE, I'd like to have a little FUN! Fine, I'll show you what I can do!" Bachelorette number two cried, unbuttoning her robes hastily and ripping them off to reveal a black satin skirt and a red tube top.   
  
Her hands hastily went to the tight bun on the back of her head, pulling out the strategically-placed hairpins with one quick tug. Hair tumbled out over her shoulders, almost reaching her elbows. She carelessly shook it out, allowing it to fall in thick waves over her back.  
  
"See, I can be wild! I can be FUN!" Bachelorette number two screamed, running around the stage, dancing and hugging men left and right. A few of the males in the crowd were cheering loudly, urging her to visit them. Harry and Ron stared in pure shock and horror, and Hermione was near tears with pent-up laughter.  
  
She had just started doing a very *interesting* dance that involved lifting her skirt whenever the producers of the show ran out and drug her offstage.   
  
Bachelorette number two was escorted back onstage a few minutes later, looking much calmer.   
  
"You may continue." she said, waving a hand at all the males applauding for her as she sat back down. Her hair was once again pinned back into its usual plain bun, and she was now fully clothed. She didn't acknowledge that anything out of the ordinary had just happened, and her mouth was pulled back into its normal thin, severe line.  
  
"Bachelorette number one, if you were an evil overlord, would you be  
A.Voldemort (gasp!),  
B.Barbara Streisand,  
C.Albus Dumbledore,  
or D.Grindelwald?"   
  
"Well, I would really like to go and set FIRE to all those villages like you-know-who did. But I like to sing too.. and I despise that *beep* Dumbledore since he fired me.. so I'll say B.Barbara Streisand." Bachelorette number one answered, her eyes lighting up at the thought of fire.  
  
Snape nodded at this answer, and continued, "Bachelorette number two, I secretly want to be a... WHAT? Lockhart, you CAN'T be serious!" Snape read aloud, pausing in mid-sentence as his sallow face paled to a nasty shade of green.  
  
Lockhart grinned like the Chesire Cat on Prozac, and nodded for him to continue. Snape looked extremely pained as he finished the question.  
  
"...A. a backup dancer for Sisqo (you know you could picture Snape in a thong.. admit it),  
B. a band director,  
C. a ballerina,  
or D. Harry Potter."  
  
Harry's face was a perfect mask of horror at the mention of his name. Snape looked as if for the first time in quite a while he wanted nothing more than to melt into the carpet flooring.  
  
The entire audience was engulfed in fits of laughter, including four of the five bachelorettes (one was still too heavily medicated to respond).  
  
"Well Severus, I really can't imagine you in a tutu, and I've seen you dance, so I know you could never be a ballerina." Bachelorette number two chortled, pausing to regain her breath.  
  
"I don't even want to IMAGINE you in a thong, so we'll just skip that answer. Though I can imagine you being a band director (penguin suit and all), I believe the answer is D.Harry Potter. Is there an E.All of the Above?"  
  
Snape looked perfectly mortified as the audience practically rolled in the aisles with laughter.   
  
"Gilderoy, you said you'd never tell anyone after our chat in second year.." Snape mumbled to Lockhart. Unfortunately for Snape, Gilderoy was wearing a microphone in the pocket of his lilac robes, and the comment was broadcast throughout the entire studio.  
  
Harry looked even more inclined to vomit than ever, and the roaring hilarity of the crowd rose to a nearly unbelievable decibel level.  
  
Lockhart raised his fingers to his lips and let loose with an ear-shattering whistle. The audience watched in amazement as Lockhart calmly handed Snape his stack of cards, motioning for Snape to continue.  
  
"Bachelorette number three, my favorite color is pale blue.. the color of.. WHAT?" Snape shrieked, his eyes widening to twice their normal size as he stared at Lockhart.  
  
Lockhart grinned maliciously, "Read on."  
  
Snape sighed, gave Lockhart one last glare, and continued. "The color of my fair Gilderoy's eyes. What is your favorite color?"  
  
By this point, Harry felt as if he were going to explode if he laughed anymore. The audience roared again, holding their sides with pain and laughter.  
  
"Mrowr purrrrrrrrrrrr." *translation: Yellow.*  
  
"What, no stupid little side note this time?" Bachelorette number one snapped, turning to glare at bachelorette number three. Number three just sat quietly on her chair, ignoring the others.  
  
"Bachelorette number four... um, Bachelorette number four?" Snape continued, listening as the catfight on the other side of the partition died down. Bachelorette number four, still heavily medicated, wobbled around on her stool.  
  
"Hiiiiiiiiiiissss ssh sisssssss." *translation: But mummy, I want to go on the merry-go-round.. mummy... *  
  
Snape lifted one eyebrow in response, flipped the card over, and read the next question.  
  
"Last, and thank GOD, final question... Bachelorette number five, if you were a musical instrument, what would you be?" (A/N- The music question returns! Mwahahaha!)  
  
"Eh, I'd be a flute so I could attract lots of fuzzy animals like that Pied Piper of Hamlin... that would be fun.."  
  
"Okay then, who will it be, Sevvie? Bachelorette number one, two, three, four, or five?"  
  
"None of them." Snape replied sourly, turning his nose up.  
  
"Awww.. come on, Snapey. It's them or me." Lockhart replied, batting his eyelashes at Snape, who looked appalled at the very thought.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaagh!" Snape screamed, finally snapping and running out of the studio.  
  
"Well, I guess that's all for the Wizard Dating Game today. Bye-byesies, and thanks for watching!" Lockhart said, shrugging and blowing the audience an over-exaggerated kiss. He turned around, looking puzzled as he searched through the curtains.  
  
"Snapey, you can't have gone far.. I know there's only one exit here..."  
  
"Aaaagh!"  
  
"Eeee! My Snapey-poosie!"  
  
"Nooooooooooo!"  
  
~*~  
  
I had an immense amount of fun creating this, and I can only hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.   
  
I realize the bachelorettes were kinda odd (to say the least; I'll probably get flames for them *shrug*), but inspiration struck and I had to go with it. Blame it on my English teacher, she fried my brain (we had a test the day BEFORE EXAMS!! That's just CRUEL!).   
  
Poor ickle Sevvie, I'm so mean sometimes.. (at least I didn't throw in another dance number--I had it all worked out in my head but I just couldn't bring myself to make Snape sing "Lady Marmalade".. maybe next time ^_~ )  
  
  



End file.

Harry Potter, Humor, Parody