Charmed 1. January

Summary: When Piper is 8 months pregnant, bed-ridden and going stir-crazy, all she can do is write crazy ramblings in her diary.  
  
Disclaimer: The WB owns the Charmed characters and the brilliant Helen Fielding owns the Bridget Jones's Diary idea. (unfortunately...I wish I thought of something this brilliant.)  
  
Piper Halliwell's Diary  
  
January  
  
15 January 2001  
  
weight - growing. fast. is because of baby, is not me. calories - 3000; v. bad. although am eating for two, so good. 1000 calories for me and 2000 for baby. oh my, will be very fat baby. cigarettes - none. do not smoke, so do not know why cigarettes are being monitored. surely am not considering smoking after birth of baby. would be v. bad and would get wrinkles quickly. do not need extra wrinkles as Leo does not age and then would look even younger than me.note to self: ask elders to make Leo age. times Leo orbed out today - 15. times Leo orbed out in last half hour - 5. times screamed at elders - cannot count that high.  
  
12.05 pm -- Am getting fatter and fatter with each day. Prue and Phoebe are being mean. v. v. mean. Will not let me cook because they don't want me on my feet. Am overwhelmed with strong feeling towards them. What would that feeling be called.oh yes, rage. Not rage like when hate-demon infected us. Also have rage towards Leo for continuously orbing out. Hate elders. Ooh, have rage to elders too.  
  
12.30 pm -- Prue is pissed at me. Probably bruised too. Got mad at her for disturbing me while writing and so threw pillows at her. She laughed at me. Gave me pillows back, which was good because I regretted throwing nice comfortable pillows away. Told me the only reason they are putting up with me is because am moody because of pregnancy. She said that otherwise she would be wringing my neck. Wanted to wring her neck. Stupid cow. Always thinking she is right and thinking that she is the almighty Prue Halliwell. Showed her. When she turned to leave I blew up everything she walked by. Tee hee. She freaked. Haha. Cannot stop laughing.am utter genius. Love self.  
  
12.35 pm -- Shit. Came to realization that sweet revenge on Prue came at high price. Blew up most of my bedroom. Hm. Now that I think about it, one of us should have the power to clean up messes, because demons really mess up our house. So does my power. Perhaps I should have cleany-uppy power because, after all, Phoebe's always too lazy to clean Manor after demon attacks and Prue's always on a 'I'm the queen of the demon vanquishing world' high because she thinks she is Wonder Woman, so I am designated Manor cleaner. Should have second marriage to Mr. Clean. May as well be called Mrs. Halliwell-Wyatt-Clean. Speaking of husband, where the hell is Leo? Am going to call him. Now.  
  
1.30 pm -- Leo finally orbed in. Mmmm.so sexy. Hate one thing about pregnancy. Cannot shag Leo. Otherwise, lurve baby because can eat loads of extra food, can be moody, have servants in form of sisters, do not have to vanquish nasty, gnarly beasts and Leo is extra sweet and lovely. That is, when he is actually here. Perhaps should handcuff Leo to bed to make sure he doesn't leave. Ooh, handcuffs.bed. No! No! No! Piper, no! Must not think like that because is too tempting. Besides, Leo can orb out of handcuffs, can't he? Hmph. Need other solution. Have loads of time on hands because am immobile blimp who is confined to bedroom.  
  
3.50 pm -- Am bored. V. v. v. bored. Need TV in bedroom. Have strange craving to watch Jerry Springer and snack on kibble. Yes, kibble. Have always wondered what kibble tastes of. Crunchy, probably. Ok. Have a plan. Will sneak downstairs, grab car keys, drive to pet food store, buy kibble, come home. Sit on couch and rest for a bit. Will need a breather. Then will take about 10 minutes to lift fat self off of couch, and will grab kibble and TV and retreat back upstairs. Sounds good. Then will have kibble and TV at my disposal. Am supersmart. Am queen of the Manor. Prue can eat my dust.  
  
Part 2  
  
16 January  
  
11.34 am -- Mission 'Sneak-out-of-house-to-buy-kibble-then-take-kibble-and- TV-upstairs-to-bedroom' was, you guessed it, Impossible. Made it to door. Of bedroom, that is. Hmph. But Leo brought TV for me. Would not bring kibble. Cannot understand why.  
  
12.03 pm -- Wish could zap little baby into protective bubble momentarily so that I could get food/kibble/TV/shag.oh, did not write last word. Was not me speaking.hm. Besides, baby-bubble does not exist, and do not want to zap baby, whether it be a good zap or a bad zap. Zaps can be harmful. Why am I rambling on about zaps? Probably because am walking, rather, propped upright, watermelon (ooh, bad memories.). Strike that, am not watermelon, am.giant tapioca ball from Chinese bubble tea. Ooh, Chinese bubble tea. Mmm. Where's Phoebe???  
  
12.55 pm -- Ooh, lurve Chinese bubble tea. Lurve having Phoebe as little slave, too. Phoebe knows that she has to do whatever I say because am pregnant and am confined to bedroom. Are walls getting closer?? Wouldn't surprise me. Mmm.Chinese bubble tea v. v. good. Tapioca balls v. v. slimy. Still undecided as to whether I actually like tapioca balls. However, will continue to slurp them for joy of eating/drinking/slurping. Perhaps will take extra I'm-very-pregnant-so-I-have-loads-of-spare-time spare time to get in touch with guru again. Would not like to blow baby up. Would be v. v. messy. Oh, and upsetting. Yes. Yes.  
  
However, last time tried guru spiritual cleansing process I actually blew up guru. Was not amused. Well, have nothing else to do, so will become guru spiritually in touch with mind, body and baby person. Will be fun. See, have started already! Am thinking positive and hence feeling better. Must be Chinese bubble tea and slimy tapioca balls. Now I like tapioca balls, despite slimy-ness and embryo resemblance. Hope am not actually eating embryo. Would be yucky as well as bad for human rights. Bad, bad.  
  
2.05 pm -- Just realized that do not understand what is happening on Days of Our Lives. Have not watched since was v. v. lazy and trying to open P3. Do not know new characters. Only know Over-Acting-Whisper-Face John, Been- Around-For-Ever Marlena and Why-The-Hell-Can't-The-Police-Catch-Him Stephano. Bo and Hope there too. What happened with that whole Princess Gina thing? Why are Belle, Belle's Brother and Shawn D big teenager kids now? Am v. v. confused. Austin and SAMI? Yuck. Liked Carrie better. And I thought that soaps were easy to follow and you didn't need to tune in for 3 years and you'd still know what was happening! Am v. v. wrong. Will not watch Days again. Too confusing. Need sleep. Bye bye.  
  
20 January  
  
7.45 pm -- Mmmm. Lurve lurvely Leo. So sweet. He made dinner and brought it to me. We ate together on bed.was so nice. If was not pregnant would have surely. Well. Only one month more of special treatment...and celibacy. I feel an evil grin spreading across my face. Ooh, am bad pregnant mother! Oh, Leo!  
  
9.04 pm -- Gahh!!!! Gahhhhh!!!!!! Walls..closing...in! Help! Help!!! Am going to be crushed alive!!! Wait..walls have stopped moving. J'ai peur. I'm scared. Leo!!!!! Phoebe!!! Prue!!!!  
  
9.15 pm -- Hate sisters and sort of hate husband. Think I am joking, but am not!!! Is unfair.no one listens to the pregnant lady. My demands should be met, god dammit, and I want the walls to stop moving! They don't believe me, they think am simply going stir crazy and reassure me that only one more month left. But I know the walls will get me before then..I swear.  
  
9.18 pm -- Just re-read last entry. Sounds like joke. But is not. If was not so fat and immobile would measure distance from bed to wall and measure same distance again in morning. Then I would show them. Must attempt to sleep now, but rather than sugar plum fairies dancing about in head, have sugar plum moving walls dancing about. Hmph.  
  
Part 3  
  
25 January  
  
12.01 pm -- Walls definitely moving. Bedroom was always quite big -- teased and taunted Prue because she gave up lovely large bedroom -- but now bedroom is not lovely and large, is size of a kitty litter box. Not literally, but figuratively of course. If literal, my fat stomach would not fit. Am still freaking out over decreasing air space in bedroom, but sisters aren't listening. Hopefully Leo will. LEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
12.45 pm -- Leo scared. Went to ask Elders why bedroom so small. Have not seen Leo so scared before. Am going to die. Will surely die. Will most definitely die. Will be crunched by walls. Stupid walls. Am going to kill walls. Wretched, hard, boring.ooh, I'm hungry.  
  
1.30 pm -- Mmm, lurve pickles and prunes. Yummy. Ooh, Leo just orbed in.  
  
Time.irrelevant -- AM GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Leo..said..wait. Can hardly breathe. Am freaking out. Ok. Shiiiiiiiit! Leo said walls are closing in because evil wants the baby. My baby. My poor, tiny little bubble occupying baby. Dumb demon. Evil demon. Ooh, that's an oxymoron. No wait, opposite of oxymoron. Well then, I am the moron. Yes. Whatever. Is irrelevant, because, remember, am going to DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Leo went to get Prue and Phoebe so they can do some spell, but I don't think we need a spell, we need an exorcist. No, am not like Linda Blair child. Am not projectile vomiting. House is not projectile vomiting either but is possessed. Ooh, did not like being possessed myself. Was not fun. But did do dirty little dance on top of bar. Actually enjoyed the dance, but did not tell sisters or husband. Hehe. But getting back to me. AM GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gahhhhhhhhhh. Ooh, just turned TV on and Oprah is talking about new books. Must make note.  
  
4 something pm -- Shiiit, shiiiit!!!! Sisters cannot get into bedroom! Door possessed like walls! Bad bad door! De-possessing spell is power of three spell. How the hell can we vanquish walls (hopefully will not actually vanquish walls because would very much like privacy to change and shag and the like.) Oh yes, how the hell can we vanquish walls with two sisters on one side and the fat, neurotic sister succumbing to claustrophobia on the other side???!?!?!? Am doomed. Am very very doomed.  
  
Some time at night (it's dark outside.) -- Am also complete retard. Leo can orb. Ha! Haha! HAHAHHAHAH! I have beaten you walls. Dummies. Oh Leo!!! Come save me and orb me into the hall to vanquish the walls!! Oh sexy saviour whitelighter man who happens to be my husband!! Come hither!! Now!  
  
Leo doesn't respond well to snapping fingers in impatient customer in restaurant style. However, Leo is quite cute when he's annoyed. :evil Leo said he would orb me out but I had to be nice to him. Told him to stuff it because I was being nice. Obviously Leo didn't like that so he left. Without me. Hmph. He'll be back soon. Cannot let me be squished. At least I hope he wouldn't want me to be squished. Would be very mean. If Leo doesn't come back I will never kiss him again. Ooh, but that would be too hard because he is such a good kisser. Well, I wouldn't.do his laundry anymore. Would be good because hate doing laundry and would be really amusing to see Leo try to work washing machines. Hah! That's really really funny! Hahaha. Am genius. Will avoid work, get revenge and be entertained all in one go! Excellent.  
  
Oh shit. If Leo doesn't come back, I won't get out so I won't get revenge or be entertained.dammit. But will avoid work. Only positive point. Dammit Leo, come back! It's been forever. Well, only 10 minutes, but is eternity to disgruntled pregnant lady with swollen feet. Grrr.  
  
Part 4  
  
26 January  
  
6.05 am -- Oof, tiny baby playing soccer inside of me and just tried to score winning goal with massive kick. Times like this wish could kick baby back. But would never ever do that because I love my baby too much. Evidently demonic evil people lurve my baby too, because walls are continuously moving closer. Am not being psychotic now, because literally live in box now. The only furniture here is the bed.and that fills the whole room. Am getting pissed off!!!! Speaking of piss..I really gotta pee. Leeeeeeeeooooooo!!!!! Hurry please, or else pea sized bladder will explode and will be very yucky inside box bedroom.will smell like alley behind P3. Ooh that's nasty. Leeeeeoooooo!!!!  
  
Midday (sure, I can read and write, but those clocks are way too complicated.) -- Oy, this is Piper's baby here. Surprised? That's to be expected. You're probably wondering how in the world I'm talking and writing to ya here. Well, that's a secret. Ha. But I'd be willing to share that secret with you if you tell my mum to stop yelling so I can get some pre-being born sleep. I mean, I'm not gonna sleep after I'm born, so I need all the sleep I can get NOW! When I'm born, I'm gonna be awake at all hours of the day, and that's a promise. Revenge is sweet, isn't it?  
  
1.45 pm -- Am hallucinating. This time for real. How the hell did that entry get in here? Am v. v. V. confused! To my knowledge, baby has been wrestling uncomfortably in womb for last 9 months, so did not escape, write journal entry and then crawl back into my tummy. Think would have noticed slimy little goo baby leaving my body. Not exactly something that happens everyday. But do have hallucinations every so often, so will just attribute angry fetal ranting to hallucinogens. Will have to create potion to put in baby bottle to make sure baby does sleep. What a little so and so, telling me it won't sleep. And if baby knew that am yelling to save baby's fresh little ass, I don't think baby would be in any hurry to tell me to shut up. Hmph. Now, must get out of treasure chest. Have dubbed nasty box bedroom 'The Treasure Chest' to make me feel better. Makes me feel like am a beautiful treasure that sisters, Leo and demons all desperately want to open. Ooh, feel better already.  
  
Part 5  
  
29 January  
  
1.56 pm -- Lurve the lurvely Leo. Oh, and lurve sisters too. Have freed me from demonic-baby-hunters-who-make-bedrooms-shrink. Do not know how, and frankly do not care how treasure chest was opened and jewel inside was saved, but am grateful. Grateful that now sisters can reach me to bring me food, magazines, books and the like. Haha, am v. v. mean. Speaking of sisters and food, have craving for Thai food with ice cream...Pheeeeeeebeeeeeeee!  
  
3.08 pm -- Ooh, Pheebsies is pissed at me! Understandable, though, because threw cold ice cream at her. Then blamed it on baby-still-inside-tummy. Want baby to be born so can actually blame destructive actions on it without getting very bizarre responses. Come to think of it, will be many years before baby is strong and smart enough to throw ice cream at Pheebsies, so cancel previous thought. Actually, no, do not cancel previous thought, because want baby out of tummy so am not fat and ugly and bedridden. Actually, am not ugly, am treasure inside treasure chest. Well, not anymore, but hope Leo still thinks of me that way. He better, or else I'll have to ge... Oh shit. Shiiit alors! Either water just broke or just did a really big piss in the bed. Am praying for the latter.no, former. Oh Christ. LEEEEEEEEOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
30 January  
  
1.48 am - Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Baby is coming and baby hurts like hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Note: am not actually writing this during labour. Am not that screwed. Am simply doing birth-reenactment. Enjoy.)  
  
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Give me drugs dammit!!!! Desperately want drugs!!!! Leo, heal me. Now!! Leo, heal me! Heal me!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!! Or at least let me pass out! I like that better. Let me pass out. No, no, not another push! MOFO!!!  
  
Fast forward through goopey gross birth bit   
  
Ooh, have delightful little bundle of life in arms. Welcome to our crazy mixed up world, little Melinda! We will love you forever.until you become a rebellious teenager like Prue was, and then perhaps we may cease to love you.  
  
Just kidding!  
  
Here and now is where our new life starts. Melinda, you and Leo are my life. To you. Forever.  
  
P.S. Whoa, that is the first serious sentimental-y thing to be written in diary. Coincidence that it was written after pregnancy?? 


	2. February

Summary: Piper could barely look after herself before, and now she's got a baby to look after as well? This has trouble written all over it.  
  
Disclaimer: The WB owns the Charmed characters and the brilliant Helen Fielding owns the Bridget Jones's Diary idea. (unfortunately...I wish I thought of something this brilliant.)  
  
Piper Halliwell's Diary  
  
February  
  
6 February 2001  
  
weight - am still giant blimp! Has been one week since damn painful baby expulsion, and am still massive fatty pants; calories - must be zero.cannot be fat mummy; cigarettes - anyone brave enough to smoke near baby Melinda? Will be molecularly manipulated, if ya know what I mean.; alcohol - cannot booze near baby.shouldn't tempt her, she's got another 21 years to go.; times Melinda did giant green poop - enough to make me physically ill.  
  
12.56 pm -- Taking care of sweet little helpless child is a lot more work than I expected. Small child likes to poop, cry and sleep. At least boobs are big. Is one perk. (literally.) Can now rival big boobied sisters.  
  
1.15 pm -- Lurve the lurvely Melinda. Especially because she is sleeping now. She is very peaceful when she sleeps, as well as quiet, which is how I like her. Don't get me wrong, I love Melinda all the time, I just love her more when she's not moving, crying, breathing, kicking.breathing???!!! Omigod!! Omigod, Melinda, Melinda, breathe little helpless child, breathe! Gahhhh!!  
  
1.17 pm -- Melinda is fine. She actually was breathing, I was just being paranoid as all mothers. However, Pheebs and Prue say that I'm always paranoid, so am extra extra paranoid because have maternal paranoia plus Piper paranoia which equals big mutha size paranoia with the power to freeze and explode things. My lovely paranoia gets the best of Leo.yelled my head off for him when I thought Melinda wasn't breathing. He came down all panicky (so cute when he panics.mmm maybe I should yell frantically more often. I could tell him that I feel cold and need to be warmed up right away or I'd die..yes, yes.and that a sweater won't warm me up, only he can. tee hee.) oh, oh, right, anywho, Leo came down and I yelled at him that Melinda wasn't breathing.he panicked even more but then got a little mad at me because Melinda was breathing. So I grinned and told him that since she was sleeping we could.but he said no because he was on duty. Bad Leo. Must get him later, though.  
  
3.30 pm -- Nearly blew up small child. Also nearly blew up dirty diaper. Cannot figure out which one would be worse. Oh, oh, blowing up the child would be much much worse, wouldn't it? Was changing putrid smelling Huggies when got v. disgusted and tried to freeze the smell. Didn't work, instead smell suddenly got stronger. Must've blown smell up because nearly barfed. Melinda poo is barfalicious. Literally. Next time am making Leo change the little land mine. I don't care if Melinda desperately needs a new diaper, will wait until Leo comes home. Is actually v. mean to make little immobile infant sit in goopy diaper, but.oh damn.why is she so cute?! Cannot make her sit in diaper for excess amounts of time.will just yell at Leo and pretend she isn't breathing again.yes, yes.  
  
8 February 2001  
  
2.35 am -- Goddamn child won't sleep. Sure, she sleeps during the damn day when I want to take her out and show her off to people, but won't for the life of her sleep when it's dark. I have graveyard Melinda shift tonight.Leo gets to sleep until 5 am, but at the stroke of five his whitelighter ass is up and my wicca ass is sleeping.  
  
Look Melinda.it's dark out. EVERYONE'S sleeping..Why aren't you?! Grrr. I'll just rock her and sing her a lullaby. Hopefully she'll be the one to fall asleep to the lullaby and not me. Would be v. bad to fall asleep with tiny baby in arms. Aww, Melinda is grabbing my finger. Love it when she does this..  
  
Now she won't let go of my finger.hate it when she does this.  
  
5.01 am -- Leo not appreciative of wake up call. Understandably so, though, because I laid Melinda in her crib and jumped on the bed, yelling in Leo's ear. Was actually going to push Leo off the bed, but remembered that he can't heal himself, and would not like a broken whitelighter. Anywho, Leo's pissed off at me, but I really don't care because it's sleeeeepy time for Piper. Sleeeepy time. Nightie night.  
  
17 February 2001  
  
4.35 pm -- Went on baby shopping-fest today. Was so much fun.well for baby Melinda, that is. All the new clothes went to her and none to me. Boo boo double hoo. Went to Baby Gap and Baby Mexx and all those other teeny tiny little people stores and bought loads and loads of cute little jumpers with stars on them and furry pink sweaters. And then there was the nice little pale yellow jumper Pheebs picked out. Melinda obviously didn't like it much cos she puked on it. Yeah. And then we had to pay for it. Yeuch. Was tempted to spank Melinda but couldn't. No, not because she is too cute (although is part of the reason) but no, is because along with yucky barf, Melinda once again had nasty soggy diaper. Decided to take her to changing table before we got all the new clothes soggy. Would be v. disgusting.  
  
Took Melinda into public washroom (poor dear) to change her but to our dismay there was no changing table. So we improvised. I froze the entire bathroom, locked the doors, and Prue used her TK to keep Melinda floating in the air. Hehe. Then we made Phoebe clean the diaper. Was really quite amusing. Were all like "Sorry, Pheebs, but our hands are busy!" Hahaha. Was priceless. Especially because diaper was extremely smelly. Heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh. Okay, Piper. Get over it. Heh. Okay, am done now.  
  
Was v. discouraged because did not find any cute clothing for self. Went into Big Mexx, J. Crew, A|X Armani Exchange, Vicky's Secret, Ann Taylor, Banana Republic and others but did not find any clothes to fit me! Am v. depressed. Will go divulge self into ice cream.  
  
No! No! No! No! Ahhh... It's all cos I'm still a tubby mummy. I need to be a yummy mummy! Grr.. when will pregnancy fat magically disappear? Hey.that gives me an idea.I'll be right back.  
  
Don't tell Prue or Leo where have gone. Can tell Phoebe but only if she asks. Strike that.Phoebe still mad about public-washroom-diaper incident. Better not tell Phoebe. For sake of Melinda's future diaper changes, if only that. Okay. Am done rambling. BRB. (haha, internet lingo.am tech savvy mummy too. Oh oh, right. Back to business.)  
  
Seriously think I suffer from mysterious condition called A.D.D. Because am constantly straying from what needs to be done/said..oh crap I didn't feed Kit. Must go feed kitty and then do what was talking about.which was.  
  
Oh right.BOS. Finally.  
  
  
  
18 February 2001  
  
3.35 pm -- Lurve lurvely BOS. And Mr. Visa. Had wonderful shopping extravaganza today. Left baby Melinda at home with her auntie Phoebe and dashed off before Phoebe could comment on very slim self. BOS had wonderfully handy spell for me. Twas a disappearing spell. So said it and inserted 'pregnancy fat' when prompted and by the time I woke up this morning was Britney Spears-like slim (but minus gigantic boobies because were pregnancy fat, obviously). Feel much more like yummy mummy. So went out and spent loads on gorgeous designer clothing, sipped lattes and pranced around Union Square like slim celeb. Ooh, lurve BOS. Am worried about Visa bill, but will push worry aside until bill comes in and gigantic amount spent becomes a reality. For now is just a figment of imagination.made a reality by the multiple shopping bags in the foyer. Ah well. Lurve new slim look. Spent at least an hour twirling in new clothes in front of full length mirror in bedroom. Blew kisses at mirror and posed like super celeb at glamorous photo shoot. Uh oh. Footsteps. Shiit! Shiit!!! Must hide stuff..Gaaahhh!!!! Must also hide self. Shiiiiit!!!!!  
  
4.05 pm -- Am not as slim as previously believed. Was not well hidden behind lamp post. However, Prue did notice my gorgeous new figure. Did not approve though, because knew it was magically related.  
  
"But Prue," I said using most innocent face, "I've been working out since I had baby Melinda and it finally paid off."  
  
"Piper, I know that you haven't been to the gym. You hate the gym. The only place you've been is in the Book of Shadows." Prue was not amused. Hmph.  
  
"No I haven't.." I said.I thought I looked v. innocent, Melinda innocent. Prue didn't seem to notice. Perhaps Prue is blind.  
  
"Piper, you better watch out. You're lucky you haven't seen any consequences from that spell. If I were you, Little Miss Personal Gain, I'd go reverse that spell before something bad happens." But then she saw all my bags from the shopping binge. "Okay, before anything ELSE bad happens." She shook her head and left. Thank god. Went back to twirling. Dumb Prue. She's just jealous that she doesn't have my body, my clothes or my beautiful baby. Ahh, speaking of baby! Oh Melinda!! You must see your gorgeous new mummy! Melly-poo! Must go find her. Oh, but will change. Don't want Melinda spitty-uppy on brand new slim wardrobe.  
  
4.15 pm -- MELINDA IS GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Should never have left darling, sweet, innocent child with Phoebe. Dumb little sister. Stupid, stupid Piper. Never trust Phoebe. Especially not with babies. Always drops them. Oh no, wait, that was Prue. Anyway, anyway, my baby is GONE!!!!!! Leo is going to kill me. Am going to die after only one slim day. Now no one will get to see new slim wardrobe and ooh and ahh admire me. Wah. Oh, remember, remember, back to finding Melinda. Melinda!!!! Uh oh..Leo's here. Shiiit. Shiiiiit. Mega Shiiiit. Wonder if can write spell to make Leo go away, only for a while. Well, until our baby is found. Gahhhhh!!!!  
  
5.00 pm -- Phew!! Am glad did not write spell to send Leo away. Leo came in holding baby Melinda. Tried to act all natural and nonchalant but did not pass with Leo.  
  
"Looking for someone?" Leo did not look amused.  
  
"Whatever could you mean?" Batted eyelashes and gave Leo cute/innocent/flirtatious look. Didn't work. Poo. Is second time today. Must work on it. Ah, back to story.  
  
Desperately wanted to hold baby Melinda but couldn't.couldn't give up pretense of calmness.  
  
"Piper, just what kind of spell did you cast?" Leo was beyond angry. Think he had moved straight to pissed off. Crap.  
  
"Ummm.." Tried again to look innocent.last resort. "Just a small.disappearing spell." Couldn't look at him in eyes. Did not want to see sexy eyes so upset at me.  
  
"And what exactly did you want to disappear?" He was getting madder and redder by the minute. Feared for Melinda's safety. If Leo decided to throw things, baby Melinda would be first. Poor child. However, is probably safter with Leo than with me, considering today's events.  
  
"My pregnancy fat." Was completely honest answer. Do not know why Melinda disappeared. She isn't fat. Well, not really.  
  
"But what did you say in the spell?"  
  
Then it hit me. Whoopsies. "Um.I.uh.asked for what was gained during pregnancy to disappear.I'm so sorry, Leo.I never thought."  
  
"That's right, Piper. You didn't think at all." Was really red now. Colour of brand new Prada slides from Saks that I bought today. "It's a good thing the Elders were watching and realized what happened. They intervened enough with the spell to save Melinda. Do you know what could've happened to her if they didn't get involved? Piper, I don't even want to think about it."  
  
It was then that Leo hurt me more than he ever could. I reached forward to hold baby Melinda, but he held her back. Wouldn't let me hold my own baby.  
  
"No, Piper. First, you go upstairs and reverse that awful spell. Only then will I consider discussing this with you." Leo was clearly furious. So I went to the attic and reversed the spell. I instantly re-gained all the pregnancy flubber, but was worth it, considering almost lost my baby. I felt really bad. Awful, in fact. How could I have ever done something like that? Am horrible, horrible person. Do not deserve to be a mummy. Especially not to wonderful baby Melinda. Do not deserve Leo either. Is such a good daddy, and I am a crap mummy.  
  
Went back downstairs to find Leo sitting in rocking chair with Melinda. Had a feeling that he didn't want to let go of her.especially with me on the loose.  
  
"Leo." Tried to start, but he didn't let me.  
  
"Piper, what on earth were you thinking?" This time his eyes weren't filled with rage. Were filled with pain, and hurt. This caused my heart to sink. Was so sad to see him like this.  
  
"I wasn't. Leo, I wasn't thinking. I was being completely selfish and just wanted to be slim again. I'm so, so sorry. I don't deserve Melinda, or you for that matter." By this time was a complete basket case, sitting at Leo's feet and bawling.  
  
"Piper." Could tell that had broken his tough exterior. Yess.but, back to emotional scene.  
  
"You're such an amazing daddy, and Melinda, well, she's an angel. I can't believe I did something to hurt both of you so much." Leo stroked my hair. Ooh, lurve it when he does that.  
  
"Piper, of course you deserve us. You just made a mistake. A giant mistake, but you're learning from it. You have to know that not only do you have to worry about consequences for yourself, you have to know that Melinda or I may be a part of those consequences." I still wasn't convinced.  
  
"Piper, I love you, and I will always love you. I was just upset, and disappointed. But I know that you'll never ever do something like that again." I shook my head. I'd never ever hurt baby Melinda or Leo again. Reached up to hold baby Melinda and this time Leo handed her over. Stood up and rocked Melinda in my arms.  
  
"Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. I'll never ever hurt you again. I promise." And I kissed her tiny little forehead.  
  
"Come here." Leo smiled at me. Went and sat on his lap, with Melinda still in my arms.  
  
"Oof, you're heavy." Smirked Leo.  
  
"Not funny, Leo. That's why I cast the spell in the first place. I hate feeling so fat."  
  
"Piper, you're not fat. And remember, you'll always be beautiful to me, no matter what. I love you." We spent the next hour or so snuggled on the rocking chair. Eventually we had to get up because got uncomfortable after a while and Leo's feet were falling asleep. Was really quite an emotional afternoon. Was v. drained and needed nap. So took one. Only was different than other naps, because Leo had one too, and we laid Melinda between us. Neither of us wanted to let her go.  
  
27 February 2001  
  
12.15 pm -- Has been just over a week since v. bad spell incident, and have had lots of time to think. Will never ever do that again. Yes, have said that many times since incident, but really, will never ever cast another personal gain spell. Could potentially hurt Melinda and Leo, and would die if anything ever happened to either. Motherhood is v. interesting; has taught me many things would never ever learn from sisters. Do not care if personal gain spell hurts sisters.well, actually, I lie. I do, but I know that they can deal with it. Baby Melinda, on the other hand, cannot. Ooh, lurve baby Melinda so much. Will never hurt her again. Ever. Am going to cuddle her for a bit now. Ta ta. 


	3. March

Summary: Piper's learning to be a lot more careful now that she's got Melinda around.  
  
Disclaimer: The WB owns the Charmed characters and the brilliant Helen Fielding owns the Bridget Jones's Diary idea. (unfortunately...I wish I thought of something this brilliant.)  
  
March  
  
3 March 2001  
  
weight - slimming down ever so slowly.and not because of magic. Ha! Can still be slim without magic. Am on my way to being yummy mummy!; cigarettes - never ever (have I ever felt so low.Shht, no more All Saints.); alcohol - can drink now! Can drink now! Hahahahhaha! Is v. hard to own club full of booze and not drink. However, have not been at said club for a while now, but still; number of 'taking care of baby' books have read - 0; number of times wished had read a 'taking care of baby' book - not enough space to write number, but rest assure, is v. high.  
  
11.58 am -- Melinda is v. gorgeous, once again. Have spent entire morning with her, playing with toys and baking. However, cannot feed Melinda baked goods because, well, Melinda has no teeth. Well, not many, that is. Would be v. mean to say to little baby 'Oh look, here's a delicious cookie, eat it up!' and laugh hysterically while baby tries to grip cookie with tiny uncoordinated hands and bite with nearly non-existent teeth and then cry when realizes cannot eat something yummy. Oh would be terribly cruel. Who would even think of that?!?! Not me. Of course not. So baked goods were made with Melinda's help and then saran-wrapped and popped in fridge for later. Put flour on Melinda's face to make her look like real baking chef and fit in with kitchen and match mummy. She looked so cute! Tee hee! Then she sneezed. Tee hee! So adorably cute when she sneezes!! Her little nose scrunches up and her eyes press shut and she makes little fists and a cute little noise. Ahhh, want to cuddle her all day long. Want to cuddle Leo too. Ooh, could cuddle both at same time. Ew.want to cuddle Melinda in different way than want to cuddle Leo, so cannot do simultaneous cuddling. Will cuddle Melinda now since Leo is not here. Where is delectable husband?? Oh well, will not call him because he will get v. mad at being called away unnecessarily from v. important white-lighter tasks. (Is probably up in white-lighter land dry cleaning his ugly robe, but must not make assumptions.) Come on, baby Melinda.  
  
1.30 pm -- Lurve Melinda's toys. Oh, and lurve Melinda too, but lurve her toys lots. Am a v. good mummy for buying so many lurvely toys! Am v. proud of self! Melinda has one thing that is a big plastic box with different shaped holes in it for different shaped blocks. Personally believe is too 'mature' for baby Melinda, but I quite enjoyed it, so is all good. Also like the Fisher Price symphony music making thing. You know, the thing on the 'Malcolm, meet Mozart.' commercial? Tee hee, Melinda, meet Mozart. Or better yet, Piper, meet.famous dead composer #1. Haha, am so funny. Example: bought Melinda v. nice Gund teddy, and named it for her. Named it Prubee, which is combination of Prue and Phoebe. However, Prue and Phoebe were not amused. But I was, so that's all that matters. Ha!  
  
5.15 pm -- So, was coo cooing with baby Melinda when adorable hubbie Leo orbed in. Yay! Was all excited. Leo was v. excited too. But we both got a little too excited. Forgot that baby Melinda was lying in crib in next room and well, we sort of, um.yeah..bed.mmmmm. Grrr. Well.Shagged. Shag shag shag!!! Ahhh..was so nice. First shag since baby Melinda was born. Were both lying in bed after when we heard small cries. Gahhhhhhh!!!!! Jumped up and put robes on and tended to baby Melinda. Eep! Must not put shagging above Melinda on priority list! Well..not while she's a baby anyway.  
  
8.45 pm -- Leo got a bit grossed out with me at dinner. Was just me and him eating because Prue is running the club and Phoebe is out doing god knows what with demon-boy Cole. So was telling Leo about today with Melinda, and told him that she was smiling loads. This time, though, she was smiling for real because she was happy, not like before. Leo didn't remember anything about before. Hmph. Reminded him that for the last month, Melinda has been smiling loads, and we'd be all like 'Awww!' but then she'd ruin it by being all gassy! She'd just suddenly let one loose.'Pfft.' Yuck. But today she wasn't doing that! Only smiling, nooooo gas. Could just say Awww! without having to follow it up with Yuck! But Leo did. Said yuck and gave me dirty look. Told him that it was cute. He said yes, but not at dinner. I found it v. amusing. He did not. But I did. Haha. But then I made it up to him and we had another lurvely shag. Lurvely lurvely. But still, haha.  
  
  
  
8 March 2001  
  
1.15 pm -- Was being all internet-savvy today to pass time. Got v. bored of Melinda's block game, didn't feel like being Fisher Price composer, and was too lazy to go buy more flour for cookies, so went to explore online extravaganza of information. Rummaged through drawers to find paper that Phoebe gave me with loads of baby info website things and after hours (actually was only a few minutes, but surely felt like hours to baby Melinda.) found miniscule paper. Took a few moments to remember how to work internet, but remembered.am not amnesia mummy. So, typed in http://www.babynames.com because wanted to know what Melinda's name means. Was v. interesting. Melinda means 'sweet' in Latin. Is so true of my baby Melinda!! Such a sweeeetie! Ha, am such a knowledgeable and name-savvy mummy. Liked that. Then checked out 'drawbacks' section for Melinda. Hmm. was not as entertaining. Found teasing nicknames like Smelly Melly and Melonhead, so will surely never tell any of Melinda's classmates about site. Must prevent bad nicknames from spreading. Would be v. upsetting to Melinda if some fruit in her math class called her Smelly Melly. I know the feeling. Was called Pippy Longstocking and Pipey in school and absolutely detested kids for it. Wanted so badly to kick them in the nuts, but restrained self. Just laughed at them. Left the kicking to Phoebe. Phoebe was also the one who got into trouble. Felt bad, especially cos Phoebe hated me for it.but tee hee. Hee hee. Ha ha. Boys never called me Pippy or Pipey again.and boys were terrified of Phoebe, even tho she was three years younger. Haha. Was quite amusing seeing trying-desperately-to- be-macho boys running from petite brunette child with a mean kick. Haha. Anywho, back to baby names. Got quite caught up in babynamer.com and researched my name, Prue, Phoebe, Leo and Cole. Hehe. Here is what they mean: Piper - flute player.grrr. Boring meaning.; Prue (Prudence): cautious and intelligent. v. Prue.; Phoebe - bright, shining one.so Phoebe; Leo - a lion.well in the bed he is.grrrr.; Cole - from the name Nicholas. Hmmm interesting definition there. How come everyone (with exception of Cole.probably b/c is a demon) has cool meaning for their name, and the meaning actually fits with their personality??? Is not fair. Hmph. Am going to go off and cry in a corner.  
  
10 March 2001  
  
3.30 pm -- Have created fabulous new game for baby Melinda. Leo does not approve, but frankly, do not care because game is so intensely enjoyable. Okay, for game, I pick up a Melinda toy and throw it into the air and freeze it, then unfreeze, then freeze, then unfreeze until it gets dangerously close to Melinda's head, and then I snatch it out of the air. Melinda giggles for the first while, but then she gets scared when object looms near over her head. Leo doesn't like the game because he thinks that one of these times I'm not gonna freeze it fast enough and it's gonna hit baby Melinda. So I told him I'd never ever do anything to hurt baby Melinda.again. But I have an excuse for creating new and dangerous games. Is because am alone in house all day with beyond tiny baby. No sisters around and no hubbie around. Gave Leo pouty lip that he cannot refuse and he gave me giant hug. Hehe, love how Leo is so whipped by me. Leo whispered lurvely thing into my ear. Said he will make it up to me and that we will go somewhere nice, alone. Oooh!!! Am so excited for post-baby mini-break!!! Hopefully Pheebsies and Pruesies won't mind taking care of baby Melinda for a weekend while I go romp in the clouds.well, perhaps not the clouds.I hear those things aren't very stable. nevertheless, will go off on lurvely mini-break with gorgeous sex-god husband and have wail of a good time. As much as lurve Melinda, lurve Leo and want to spend quality non-baby time with him. Gah, though, must visit doc to ask if it's okay to leave Melinda for two days while she is so young. See? Am taking maternal initiative and am not being neglectful and selfish. Am so proud of self! Ahhh, am the best mummy. And have the best hubbie!! Oooh ooohh...  
  
13 March 2001  
  
4.30 pm -- Would have had most marvelousest mini-break ever with most delectable of husbands ever, but no. Apparently delightful mini-break with husband is not written in the stars (like LeAnn Rimes/Elton John song). This is what happened. Leo orbed us to romantic picnic spot in St. Tropez. Was beautiful. Waves crashing, sand beneath our feet and gorgeous sunsets. Could have shagged husband right there, but there were people around. Mind you, was nude beach (as are all beaches in Europe) so would not have been too risqué. However, shagging waited until the hotel room that night. Ooh, lurvely! Had gorgeous dinner in v. v. expensive restaurant (haha, Leo paid. Oh wait, am married to Leo now, so technically I paid, considering Leo has no source of income. Shit! Order-most- expensive-menu-item-because-am-not-paying plan backfired!) After lurvely dinner of caviar, lobster and decadent chocolate soufflé with grand marnier and berries, and selection of French cheeses (see what I mean about ordering expensive menu items?!) went back up to room to change into robes to go to hot tub/Jacuzzi/sauna complex in hotel. Were just about to leave, wrapped in each other's arms (and robes.mmm.) and were interrupted by telephone. Didn't answer because would ruin the moment, but the message left on the machine ruined the moment, so.whatever. After three rings, European style answerphone clicked on and could hear darling sister Phoebe's voice on other end. Completely frantic, was yelling, "Piper! Leo! Come home! Demon! Melinda!" Accompanied by much incoherent ramblings. Leo looked at me and I looked at him and he orbed us out of our room. Poo. Wanted to go in sauna and get Leo all steamy.mmmm. Ahh, ahh, back to reality. Orbed home and found Prue and Phoebe in attic with BOS cradled in Prue's arms and Melinda cradled in Phoebe's arms.  
  
I reached out for Melinda and Phoebe handed her over. Kissed Melinda and hugged her and whispered that would never leave her again. Forgot to add the 'only if Leo is going in sauna' bit, but felt was not necessary. Melinda would understand. Phoebe and Prue told us that nasty demon attacked, but were able to fend him off. Was v. difficult because did not have freezing or blowing uppy power. Demon would surely attack again, but would not be v. hard to vanquish because was simple power of three spell. Why do all spells (or at least all spells that interrupt mini-breaks) have to be power of three spells? Grrr. BOS is out to get me.  
  
Gave sweet innocent Melinda to Leo, who took her downstairs (away from nasty demon vanquish) and waited for demon to return. Was not long. Froze demon and said annoyingly rhyming vanquish spell. Demon exploded into million bits, yada yada, same old, same old, celebrate, celebrate. Went down to find Melinda fast asleep in Leo's arms. So damn cute. Had to take picture. Told Leo to put Melinda back in crib while we went back to hotel to get our stuff. Wouldn't dream of continuing vacation now, because Melinda needs us. Actually, do dream of continuing vacation, if only sauna bit, but regretfully cannot. So you see, is hopeless. Will probably never get demon-free, baby-free, worry-free, interruption-free mini-break. Hopefully will someday get sweaty Leo in sauna. Would be a shame to miss that. Hmmm, maybe should get Leo to build sauna in basement as birfday present. Sure, birfday is in June, but.Leo will like sweaty sauna outcome just as much as me, so is no harm. Mmm.will dream of sauna. Yes, yes.  
  
25 March 2001  
  
2.25pm -- After spending few weeks back at home with lurvely little baby Melinda, have decided that will not go away from her for a long time. She needs me and Leo, and we need her too! But also think that Melinda needs a daycare, to keep her out of demon's hands. Cannot, however, predict demon attacks, so is not super good plan. Maybe will send Melinda to daycare for only one day a week. Will allow me to get groceries/go shopping/exercise down to yummy mummy status/shag Leo/oh.did not just say shag Leo. Oh bad. Would never put shagging Leo before Melinda, said that before. Oops. Backtrack, would not shag Leo while Melinda's at daycare. Bad bad.  
  
5.50pm -- Told Leo about daycare idea and Leo thought was bad idea. "What if demons track her to the daycare and attack her there?" he asked. Hmm. would be quite bad, because would a) reveal that we are witches and b) put Melinda in danger because daycare lady would not be demon trained witch and capable of protecting darling little Melinda. Wish there was some sort of witch daycare service. But there is no such thing.perhaps should bring idea up with Elders. Leo also thought that was a bad idea. Nevermind. So, scrap daycare idea and scrap witch-daycare Elder idea. Poo. Well, little Melinda, looks like you're staying right here, with us. Where you belong. Just don't put up a fuss when I take you shopping, and please, please don't barf on the clothes. Again. 


	4. April

Summary: Little bunny foo foo plays tricks.  
  
Disclaimer: The WB owns the Charmed characters and the brilliant Helen Fielding owns the Bridget Jones's Diary idea. (unfortunately...I wish I thought of something this brilliant.)  
  
April  
  
1 April 2001  
  
weight - slimming gradually, no thanks to Ben and Jerry's; cigarettes - none. Do not know why have cigarettes as category here, because number is and always will be big fat zero. Will eliminate ciggies category from now on; alcohol - have started back at P3, so lots! Kidding, kidding. Cannot have alcool while on the job, would be setting bad example for customers. Actually, would be good example, because would entice them to buy booze, but would not like to be acting like boozehound.; April Fools jokes played on Leo - hehe, murderous number. Actually not v. fair at all, but v. v. funny; Times dressed Melinda up in bunny costume - about once an hour. every day. Hehe.  
  
12.01pm -- April Fools officially over. Boo hoo. Had so much fun playing mischievous little tricks on poor Leo. First shoved Kleenex into shoes so he couldn't put them on. Hehe. Then, sprinkled his scrambled eggs with small plastic spiders. Hehe, he jumped out of his seat. Is the one thing Leo is terrified of: spiders. Considered telling him was pregnant again, but then to tell him no would be v. cruel. Cannot get his hopes up and then dash them. In the morning, removed all towels and robes etc from bathroom and left only my frilly robe (pink and satiny) for him to wear out of shower. Tee hee. Made sure to get funny moment on film. Had Melinda sitting with me on bed when Leo came out and even Melinda was giggling! Is quite mean to have daughter laughing at own father at such a young age, but. meh. Amusing for me! Got Prue to do mean astral trick. Was at P3 doing work (Phoebe had taken Melinda out for the day) and called Prue, who was at home. Told Prue to astral to P3 and call for Leo, while I hid. When Leo began to orb in, told Prue to astral back home. Was so damn funny when we did it, because could see Leo's confusion and frustration. When he orbed out again, rang up Prue and told her to do it one more time because was so v. amusing. Heheh was in fits of laughter again. Poor Leo. Is always the brunt of my jokes. Promised him that next year would not be mean to him. Haha, had fingers crossed when promised him!! Am just realizing that am a lot like a small child. Next thing out of my mouth will be 'I am rubber you are glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.'  
  
4 April 2001  
  
3.40pm -- That's it! Have decided that Melinda will be much better off in daycare. Well, actually, I will be much better off with Melinda in daycare. Must be careful of wording. Lurve Melinda to bits, but cannot handle having Melinda at P3, and Phoebe and Prue cannot take care of Melinda every day. Wish Leo could take care of her more often, but he only has Saturday and Tuesday off as designated family days. For other days of the week need Melinda in daycare. Or perhaps just two other days. Monday and Thursday. Yes. Can negotiate between Pheebs, Prue and self to watch darling child. Yes yes. Now must find daycare lady who is a witch. Oh this will be fun.  
  
12 April 2001  
  
5.30pm -- Screw daycare. Finally found one, and had taken Melinda there a few times. Every time on the way home, Melinda sat in car seat and stared out the window.refused to even look at me. Could tell she hated daycare, was so mad at me for taking her there! Felt really bad. Boo hoo, my own baby resents me! So anywho, went into daycare today and found Melinda in a small pen in a room by herself, separate from all other babies! Who the hell does that to my child?! Gave daycare lady a piece of my mind. Wanted to blow her up, but didn't. Instead, poured baby food on her head. Hehe, was apricot too. Yuck. Told her she was a bitch and that Melinda was the loveliest girl ever and she didn't deserve to be treated that way. Desperately wanted to add that daycare lady should sue the plastic surgeon who gave her those fake boobs because they were lopsided, but bit my tongue. Should not influence babies with naughty and crass remarks. But, should encourage babies to be honest. Oh well.  
  
  
  
17 April 2001  
  
2.30pm -- Was such a happy Easter morning. Melinda's still too young to understand Easter bunny concept, but nevertheless, dressed her up in small bunny costume with little ears and carried her around the Manor looking for chocolate. Leo carried her, I carried her basket, Phoebe ran behind us with the video camera and Prue ran behind us with the digital camera. Was quite amusing, especially considering Leo and I were the ones finding the eggs that we had hidden, and would act all surprised when we found them, but still. Will be v. funny tape to watch in later years. Melinda will think she has crazy mummy and crazy daddy. Will probably resent us for making her wear bunny costume, but is so damn cute!!!  
  
4.50pm -- Gave Melinda one of the painted hardboiled eggs to hold for a picture, but crazy little baby dropped the egg. Isn't the point of them being hardboiled so they don't crack? Well this one did, and oozed all over the floor. Perhaps wasn't hardboiled at all. Oh, right. My fault. Got lazy and didn't bother to hardboil the eggs. Oops. Didn't actually think Melinda would drop the ruddy thing! So got down on floor to clean up egg and felt crack and goo on own head. Melinda dropped another egg, this time on my head. Looked up to see Leo and Melinda grinning from ear to ear. Was obviously Leo's revenge from string of April Fools jokes. Now that I think about it, probably wasn't Melinda dropping the eggs, was probably Leo pretending to be Melinda. How low. Would have pelted Leo with eggs, but Leo was holding darling baby Melinda, so couldn't. Is not fair to use Melinda as shield. Grr, will get Leo for this. Don't know how, though, because used all funny tricks for April Fools. Must ask Phoebe. She knows naughty tricks. Do not mean in that sense. Get your mind out of the gutter.  
  
20 April 2001  
  
10.30pm -- Just wanted to say that am v. v. tired right now, so no entries tonight.  
  
30 April 2001  
  
9.15pm -- Told Leo that Melinda had v. important doctor's appointment for 31st April and that would kick his ass if he didn't come. Haha. Little does Leo know, 31st April DOES NOT EXIST!!! Hehe. Is such a lame trick, I know, but is something. Whatever. Hopefully will start small fight between Leo and me, because then can admit that was wrong and get Leo to shag me. Is the best way to get shags from Leo, in form of making-up shags. Hehe, am so evil. Actually, not evil in demon sort of way, evil in plotting against Leo in teasing wife sort of way. Ah, make no sense at all. Am going to bed now.hopefully can come up with another thing to fight with Leo about.more shags for me!!!!!! 


	5. May

Summary: Piper gets a little carried away while seeking mild revenge on her sisters.  
  
Disclaimer: The WB owns the Charmed characters and the brilliant Helen Fielding owns the Bridget Jones's Diary idea. (unfortunately...I wish I thought of something this brilliant.)  
  
May  
  
5 May 2001  
  
weight - AM YUMMY MUMMY!!! Have finally made it to slim status without using magic. Am so thrilled. Think will celebrate with decadent chocolate cake. Oh shit! Wrong, wrong. Bad Piper. Bad bad Piper. But cake is already baking in oven. Oh well, can cheat once and a while; alcohol - plenty, however Leo thinks is bad idea to drink in front of Melinda. Like she knows what alcohol is. Pfft; pictures taken of Melinda while on picnic - three rolls. Hey, was all Prue taking the pics! (well, first roll was.second roll was me and third was Leo.oops)  
  
7.35pm -- Was gorgeous day today, so decided to head off to Golden Gate Park for sunny picnic. Lurve picnics, however hate the fact that since am only family member who can make non-fatal-if-ingested food, get roped into making entire picnic. Melinda eats barely anything except milk, but Phoebe, Leo and Cole could join together to become the Three Little Pigs! I swear, if we come a cross a straw house, it'll be down in no time at all. Huffing and puffing. Gah. Anywho, am rambling, so, made gorgeous mixed greens salad with feta cheese and grilled veggies. Then had bazillions of yummy little sandwiches with stuff in em like turkey and ham and cheese and cucumbers and peanut butter and yeah, that was about it. No eggs though, because eggs make me yak. Then for dessert had really yummy cherry pie with Ben and Jerry's Vanilla ice cream.. Also had fruit like berries and melons. Was quite a nice picnic.  
  
So, were sitting around having fun and Prue pulled out her camera and starts snapping piccies. First some of Phoebe and Cole, but she had to stop because Melinda got jealous. Started screaming and waving arms at Prue. Is quite the little attention craver we have on our hands. But is so cute. So, Prue ended up finishing roll with me, Melinda and Leo. Had some really cute ones, like with Melinda on her back on grass and Leo and I tickling her tummy, and with Leo playing airplane with her. Then Prue went behind me and took one of me breastfeeding Melinda. How rude. Must have picture burned because is quite inappropriate! Must get sweet revenge on Prue.perhaps will sabotage darkroom. Yes, yes. Good idea.  
  
6 May 2001  
  
12.15pm -- Sabotaging darkroom was v. bad idea. Not only am I covered in chemicals, also have one pissed off turkey of a sister. Shit. Must get Melinda out of the house before she has to face the wrath of Prue. Will go tell Leo to save baby Melinda; he'll like that.allows him to act all noble.  
  
12.45pm -- Prue got called away on photography assignment so am safe. For short while, that is. Sent Leo and Melinda off to play. Have absolutely no idea where Leo took Melinda, but hope they are having fun. Oh, just thought of something. If Leo took Melinda 'up there' will be extremely, irreversibly pissed off. Would not be fair in the slightest. Would have to hurt Leo. Then would get to kiss him better, which is quite nice indeed, but would still be v. v. mad at him. Hmph. Am going on laptop computer. Will click away problems, although not in Sin-of-Gluttony style. Bad bad.  
  
12.55pm -- Ooh! Have found Phoebe's resume! Was snooping.I mean 'investigating' files in 'My Computer' folder and found file called 'Phoebe's Resume - Open and die.' Am going to open it. Hehe, do not seriously think Phoebe will kill lil ole me! Click!  
  
1.15pm -- Am just going to change a few minor details. "Languages. Oh, Pheebs, you can speak more than just English! How's about French, Dutch, Swedish, Latin? You should look like you're 'worldly', shouldn't you?" Snicker. What about..Oh, perfect. Achievements. "Pheebs, you've gotta look well rounded! Grade 8 Royal Conservatory of Music Oboe Certificate, Grade 5 RCM Counterpoint Certificate, Duke of Edinburgh Gold Award, Red Cross Life Saving Certificate.that looks good." Then Phoebe yelled down to me, "Piper! I hear clicking; are you on the laptop?" Answered yes. "Okay, can you do me a favour and print my resume? I have a job interview in a half hour and I'm running late. Just open 'My Computer/C drive/Phoebe's Junk, right click on the file called Phoebe's Resume - Open and die and select the print option. And DON'T read it! Thanks a bunch!" Snicker snicker. Hehe, hope Phoebe doesn't notice the few 'changes' on her resume. Probably won't, since she's in a hurry. Well then, can add more! How about.  
  
1.30pm -- Hehe. Heheh. Am so funny. Am also probably v. screwed. Sent Phoebe off with resume with said 'exaggerations-of-the-truth' as I like to call them. Some may call them blatant lies, but exaggeration and truth are much nicer words. Also added things like SCUBA Certificate, avid church- goer and church volunteer, loom-weaver (you know, those loom things you see in Pioneer Villages.hehe) and other fun things. Just hope Phoebe's prospective job doesn't consider 'witch' as an offensive or unfavourable pastime. Kidding. Did not put witch on Phoebe's resume. Was actually High Priestess, but who's keeping track?!  
  
7 May 2001  
  
2.30pm -- Oh am so totally irreversibly screwed. Only two people love me; Leo and baby Melinda. Well, actually, Prue isn't v. mad anymore because I promised to help her mix new chemicals and clean darkroom. Still sucks that she is getting revenge on my revenge. Must come up with less destructive revenge that doesn't involve any cleaning on my behalf. Oh poo. But yes, Phoebe is v. v. v. mad at me. Firstly, let me tell you that her interview was for a personal assistant position to some huge executive of an international pharmaceuticals company. So, she tells me that the meeting went like so: Pheebs walks into room with three big scary interview people and hands them my revised resume. They look it over and raise eyebrows and smile big, so Phoebe gets excited. Had obviously not re- read resume. Dummy. Have been advised to always re-read resume, although do not have to do so myself because own faboo club and do not need a job. But back to Pheebs. So, middle interview person looks up at Phoebe and asks her this: "Ahebeosobe worebrp beil bvreieps rbewosl?" Or the like. Do not speak Dutch, so do not know. But, interview people thought Phoebe spoke Dutch (because, remember, put Dutch as a language on Phoebe's resume..teehee.) But Phoebe obviously doesn't know Dutch, and so was v. confused. Told them she had no idea what they said, and they asked 'Oh, is your Dutch a little rusty?' Phoebe said, 'No, I don't speak Dutch.' They said, 'But your resume says you do.' She said 'No it doesn't.' They weren't happy because it looked like Phoebe fudged her resume to make herself look 'worldly', but in fact was not Phoebe who did it, remember, it was grand resume master Piper!!!! ( Anywho, interview people shook their heads and moved on. Asked her how she thought her looming experience would contribute to her job. Above dialogue ensued again. Then there was the High Priestess bit. Phoebe's most pissed about this bit. Smallest interview person told Phoebe she was getting married and didn't want a conventional wedding, so asked Phoebe to be the High Priestess at her wedding!!! Hehehehheheheh!!!! Oh that makes me laugh. So Phoebe told her once again that she couldn't do that, asked for her resume back and left the room. Got home seething and tracked me down. Am in so much shit! Oh, but is so worth it, hearing what happened. Phoebe called me evil, but I think in Dutch that means GENIUS!!! For that is what I am. Anywho, now have to do Phoebe's laundry because she is making me. So is Prue. Both sisters don't know what has gotten into me, but is just because have never had all these wonderful mischief making opportunities!!! Is purely sisters' fault for giving me all these chances to screw up their stuff. Do they really expect me to sit back and watch perfect opportunities pass?!?!?! I think not. Must go now. Am going to go find Leo and Melinda, because cannot afford to screw with Phoebe and Prue's lives anymore. Have a feeling the next chore will be cleaning the bathrooms, and will NOT do that.  
  
10 May 2001  
  
3.45pm -- So, Leo found out about giant darkroom/resume sabotages from big- mouthed sisters, and made me take them for lunch. Poo. Had to pay for five people. Well, Melinda didn't eat much, so actually only four. Told Cole he couldn't come, because am v. cheap. Haha, not really, but that's what he probably thinks. Anywho, went with Prue to little ATM machine conveniently located in restaurant because needed cash for later when was taking Melinda to buy a new toy (more about that in a minute) and Prue needed cash for some photography stuff. Didn't ask because didn't want to bring up me and her photography in same sentence. So, put my card in ATM machine and little screen lit up and said 'Hello, Piper.' Was really quite nice to know that although ATM is ripping me off by making me pay $2.00 transaction fee, can still be polite in the process. So, yadda yadda, took money out and let Prue go. But lo and behold, Prue stuck her card in and little screen lit up with the words 'Hello, \' Hahahahhahahahahahahha!!! Hello backslash!!!! Hahhahahahahhahahah!!!! Ran back to table and gleefully shared our little ATM encounter, but no one thought it was as funny as me. Well, maybe Melinda thought it was funny, she giggled well enough for me. So cute. But yeah, was not amused at the fact that family wasn't amused at my amusement. And now the word amused has completely lost it's meaning. Ah well.  
  
3.50pm -- Oh yes, so went to gigantic Toys R Us shop for Melinda to find a new toy. I picked out the new Fisher Price Rock and Bach guitar/violin thingy, but Leo put it back because it is for children aged 3 to 5. Melinda is only four months. Shit. I really want to play classical violin and rock out with the guitar!! Poo! Leo picked out a new rattle. Whoopdeedoo! Am going to come back another day to buy Rock and Bach. Poo to Leo. Big big Poo.  
  
25 May 2001  
  
9.25am -- Finally got time to buy my Rock and Bach! Am so excited!!! Got it home and took it to my room and tore into package like four-year-old. Shoved AA batteries in it (ruddy thing should come with batteries.perhaps shall complain to Fisher Price.later. After I play with Rock and Bach.). So yes, scrounged around for batteries (if anyone wants to watch TV, they must change channels the old fashioned way now.sorta sabotaged the remote.) and started jammin' with the Rock and Bach. Must've been making a helluva lot of noise because Leo came in bouncing Melinda on his hip, wondering what was wrong with me. Thought had suddenly joined rock cult like Twisted Sister or Korn or the like. Tried to hide Rock and Bach but Leo saw and gave me disapproving stare. Actually, he thought it was quite cute, and told me so. Hehe. Told him I'd serenade him with Bach violin bit, but as soon as I started he ran out of the room covering Melinda's ears. Can't imagine why. Hum dee dum. Will just play for self.  
  
28 May 2001  
  
6.50pm -- Things nearly back to normal with sisters. Am just banned from basement where darkroom is and laptop computer. But do not need to go to basement and do not really need computer. Ah well, will find other way to sabotage sisters (just don't tell them.) Will eventually be banned from whole house, but baby steps. All in good time. 


	6. June

Summary: Melinda meets Gerber, goes to the zoo and says her first real word, although it's not the traditional mama or dada.  
  
Disclaimer: The WB owns the Charmed characters and the brilliant Helen Fielding owns the Bridget Jones's Diary idea. (unfortunately...I wish I thought of something this brilliant.)  
  
June  
  
8 June 2001  
  
weight - big huge number due to excess baby food have eaten; alcohol - not much, unfortunately.; number of times have visited Toys R Us by myself - v. high number, lurve bouncing on pogo sticks.reminds me of childhood, strange though, that old 70s toys are now cool; times tried to feed Melinda some Gerber - loads; times Melinda actually ate Gerber - is negative number possible?  
  
10.58am - Melinda is now old enough to eat 'solids', such as Gerber baby food. Am feeding her said food right now. Leo and I call it 'slop' because is sloppy and, quite frankly, disgusting. Have bought the least disgusting looking jars of all, although, every single one reminded me of vomit. In different shades of the rainbow, of course. Is gay pride baby food! Should have little parade of baby food jars, flying rainbow flags. No, no. Have gone too far.  
  
11.05pm - Am wearing slop. So is Leo. So is Prubee (Melinda's Gund teddy). Is v. gross. Feel like kids on that TV show (think it was 'You Can't Do That On Television - random Canadian show with crazy Alanis Morrissette on it, before she was famous) when the kids got slimed at random. Or like Uh-Oh, other strange Canadian show where kids get slimed when they answer question-that-no-one-knows-answer-to wrong. Am rambling.  
  
Was trying to feed Melinda apricot Gerber (because was least vomit-inducing flavour.wouldn't go near Pea.) and seemed as though whenever Melinda saw spoonful coming her way, clamped her little mouth shut. Hmph. Is v. smart child for knowing that baby food is nasty, however, baby Melinda needs to eat something. Pretended food was airplane, and made whooshing noises to try to get food in baby mouth. Didn't work. So, heehee, told Melinda that daddy liked the baby food, and when Leo wasn't paying attention, popped spoon into his mouth! Mmm mm good! Hehe. Leo made funny face, but had to pretend to like it because Melinda was staring intently at him. Hahahahahah! Was chuckling at Leo until he popped spoon into my mouth. No wonder baby Melinda hates the Gerber stuff. It's crap! But alas, pretended that I liked it. Then told Melinda that Prubee liked it too. Only problem is, Prubee has no mouth that opens and closes, so got apricot junk all over beautiful teddy. After Melinda saw that Prubee was 'eating' it, she ate it too. Obviously two spoonfuls was plenty for Melinda, because the next spoonfuls were thrown back at me and Leo. Gross gross gross!  
  
11.45am - Got Melinda upstairs and into clean clothes and into little crib to sleep. Don't care if she was tired, I needed to have a shower. So did Leo. So we hopped in shower together and.yadda yadda yadda. Sound like Seinfeld episode, when everyone kept saying yadda yadda yadda to finish sentences and everyone got really pissed off. Will try that with Leo. Hehe.  
  
12 June 2001  
  
3.35pm - Just returned from lurvely day at the zoo. Was whole family outing, with exception of Prue. She hates animals. Hehe, actually, is not true, however she has been scarred for life by amusing (according to me and Pheebs) incident when we were young. Has not been back to zoo since. Hehe. Hehehe. Am laughing at funny Prue/zoo tale. Hehehe. Okay, okay, will tell. Want more people to laugh at Prue. Am so mean. Ah well.  
  
So, were with Grams at zoo and were wandering around some continent.think it was 'South America' or something. Came across a cage with loads of big, black birds sitting on branches. Most of the birds were at the back of the cage, and we were at the front (of course.what would we be doing in the middle?!) So were just standing there, waiting for birds to do something interesting - they were pretty dull for a while there - when suddenly one bird flew really fast directly at the cage right in front of Prue. Let out huge 'CAW!' (bird, not Prue) and strange hissing sound. Prue screamed and jumped ten feet in the air. Turned and started running away. Me and Pheebs were on the dirty ground laughing and laughing. I actually had tears in my eyes! Grams didn't think it was funny, though, and ordered us up off the ground, or as she called it "The feeding ground for animal poop." Whatever that means, and made us go find the terrified beyond belief Prue. Finally found her, huddled in corner of gift shop. Figures we'd find her seeking comfort in retail centre.was my idea to search there first. Had to comfort her, etc etc, and then had to go home. Ruined mine and Pheebs's day at the zoo. And couldn't go back because Prue refused. Hahaha. Fun times. Hahah. Looking back at that.doesn't seem that funny.sorry bout that. Is funny to me, so must be funny to everyone else.at least pretend you like it.  
  
Anywho, took baby Melinda to zoo along with Pheebs, Cole and of course, Leeeeo. Visited new, limited-time-only Chinese Panda exhibit. Saw pannnnda called Quing Quing, and Leo bought little panda stuffed animal for Melinda. Told Leo Melinda didn't need new stuffed animal, but Leo didn't care. He figured that Prubee was drenched in baby food, so Melinda needed new teddy. Whatever. Anywho, were headed out of zoo when we came across big black bird cage from Prue's nightmares. Pheebs and I got so excited when we saw it that we ran over to it screaming, like crazy freaks! Cole and Leo and even Melinda looked quite embarrassed an pretended they weren't with us. Ah well. Were laughing soooo damn hard. Finally Leo and Cole had to pull us away from cage. Laughed all the way home. Got home and found Prue watching TV. Me and Pheebs burst in and started yelling at her about bird. Were laughing and yelling and Prue got really mad so she went upstairs. Haha. Hahaha. Should've bought baby Melinda a stuffed bird. Too bad Prue isn't afraid of pandas! Hmm.maybe can do something about that!  
  
15 June 2001  
  
1.15pm - Have just returned from new favourite store, Toys R Us, with present for Melinda. Well, actually, is present for me, but am pretending is for Melinda. Bought her new Fisher Price 'Play With Letters Desk'. Is so fun!!! You take a letter and roll it across the screen and it says the letter, and when you write a short word with the letters it will say that word!!! Prue told me that was being stupid because was a toy for ages 3 and up and Melinda is only 6 months. Using brand new toy, told Prue to 'Sh- ove.it.' Haha, love new toy. Is genius way to insult sisters!!! Am really going to enjoy this. Can be all like 'I didn't say anything, it was the Fisher Price toy!' Hahaha.  
  
18 June 2001  
  
2.25pm - Shit. Shitballs. Have been playing so much with letters desk that has influenced Melinda. Is good, because that means that Fisher Price learning stuff actually serves a purpose to children, rather than their a.d.d. parents, but bad because.well.of me. So have been playing with letters desk for last three days, and kept writing poo because is easy word to write and to say (for the machine) and is fun to call Leo and Prue and Phoebe a 'P-oo.' However, actions have paid off in bad way. Today, Leo and I were sitting at breakfast table with Melinda and Phoebe, and Melinda said her first word!!! Was so cute; she actually spoke!!! I was so excited and jumping up and down, but Leo was not. Want to know why? Well is because Melinda's first word was 'poo'. Oopsies. Phoebe thought it was hilarious and called Prue at work to tell her. Leo gave me disapproving stare and told Melinda that she shouldn't say that. I told Leo that it probably wasn't a real 'word', just some random baby ramblings. But then Melinda got me into even more trouble and said it again. Damn you Melinda!!! Damn your cuteness!!! So now Leo is convinced that was my doings and consequently, am forbidden to go to Toys R Us!!!! Is not fair!!! Wah wah wah. Nearly cried, actually, which is quite sad. Feel like child deprived of candy and chocolate on Halloween, however Toys R Us is not once-a-year thing, is more like once-a-day thing. Grrr.must convince Leo that can contain self when am in Toys R Us. Maybe can arrange probation type agreement. Yes, yes. Need Toys R Us.need Fisher Price.  
  
3.00pm - Ooh! Just thought of something!! Can use Fisher Price's website!! Hahahahhahahha. Am master.  
  
3.10pm - Shit. Forgot that because of Phoebe's-resume-debacle am not allowed to use laptop. Why am I banned from so many things? Why?! Why?! Stop the insanity!!!  
  
20 June 2001  
  
4.30pm - Is not fair!!!!! Leo took Melinda to Toys R Us today!!!!!!!!! Went to P3 to do some work (needed to be productive and make money to spend during sneak attacks on Toys R Us) and came home to find Leo and Melinda playing with new Fisher Price toy!! Am so irreversibly mad. Still get to play with toy, but didn't get to choose it and didn't get to go to Toys R Us, so am v. v. mad. Anywho, Leo brought box to me and pointed out, plain as day that the toy he bought was for ages 6 months and up. Meaning it was not beyond Melinda's brain capacity and that she could play with it. Probably means will be absolutely no fun for me. Poo. Am going to sulk in the hopes that Leo will come and try to make me feel better. Highly doubt it because he is sorta mad at me, but is worth a shot.  
  
5.15pm - Leo still hasn't come. There are two ways I can go with that, but please, minds out of the gutter. For Melinda's sake. So, I trotted downstairs to see why Leo was still there, and found most delightful thing. Leo had bought the Bee Bop Buildin Twirlin Whrirlin Garden for Melinda!!!! Was sooooo excited!!! Picked up fascinated-by-spinning-coloured-plastic child and set her down in her playpen. Sat in front of brand new toy and played.was mesmerizing. Until Leo got Melinda out and made me play with her and toy at the same time. Meh..still got to play with toy, which is cool enough for me!  
  
25 June 2001  
  
8.30pm - Leo and I are getting along much better now. Were never not getting along, just now is better. We're back to shagging v. regularly, which is goooood for me, and he is helping me with my addiction to Toys R Us. Told me that he wanted to check me into Betty Ford Centre, but they didn't deal with my kind of addiction. Hardee har har. Leo's so funny. Actually, he is, but I was not amused at his attempt at a joke. But we made up and shagged, so is all good. From now on, I must go with him to Toys R Us and we will carefully read age labels on the Fisher Price toys. Isn't what I really wanted, but as long as I get to spend time with my darling baby Melinda, my sexy husband Leo and my obsession, Toys R Us, I'm as happy a woman as you'll ever find. 


End file.

Charmed, Humor