Harry Potter A Violent Conundrum

_co·nun·drum _  
><em>n.<em>

_1. A riddle in which a fanciful question is answered by a pun._  
><em>2. A paradoxical, insoluble, or difficult problem; a dilemma: "the conundrum, thus far unanswered, of achieving full employment without inflation" (Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.).<em>

It was nearing the end of term, at last. Another year almost over. Exams were done, and Lily was looking forward to heading back home to get ready for the move into the flat. She was so glad that Alice and Dorcas had convinced her to move in with them. The idea of going home to Petunia all summer left a bitter taste in her mouth.

The last week of school was always odd. The professors didn't really have much left to give them, so half of the time class was spent mostly talking and doing personal things. Lily talked with a few of her friends during those times, but most of the time she read or wrote letters to Alice and Dorcas. It was getting so warm out now, but the summer evenings felt cool, and those were the times that Lily liked walking best. She pulled her long hair out of the ponytail at the top of her head, shaking the strands out with her fingers as she headed slowly down the hill towards the lake.

Sirius was unable to convince even himself that he was out on a casual evening promenade. Though he was partial to time spent outdoors, it was never ever a slow boring walk. Running, yes. Sneaking, yes. Flying, yes. Strolling, no. Trailing a ways behind Lily on the premise of finding a bit of wall to lean comfortably against, he rehearsed James' list in his mind with more than a little irony. It would take every scrap of talent in his body to find a way of bringing this sort of thing up, and he'd little to no idea as to where to start.

About halfway down the hill Lily took notice to a person leaning against part of the many fragmented ruin remains that dotted the land around Hogwarts. Upon closer inspection - shirt-tales untucked, tie a bit too loose, hair a bit too nice for any boy - Lily realised it was none other than Sirius Black, one of Potter's friends. Her lips pressed into a thin line, but otherwise she kept her head high and walked on as if not even noticing he was there.

Though James had spent many an inebriated evening trying to draw comparisons between Lily Evans and the finer side of nature ("she's like a ... like a swan! Yeah! Without the honking. Or maybe a ... sunset! But ... not as ... wide?") in that moment Sirius was able to place it instantly. With her chin in the air and a deliberate strut, every hair in place, she was a cat through and through. He'd never much liked cats at all.

Not one to spend much time on speculation, Sirius raised his voice in an overly casual drawl. "Oi, Evans, spare a moment." He didn't bother making it a question. She usually stopped whether she wanted to or not out of sheer indignance - a figurative flick of water, as it were.

Indeed, the moment Black addressed her Lily did stop, folding her arms across her chest irritably and leaning on one foot. "For you? Never. Now excuse me."

A gentle shove of his shoulder pushed him away from the wall, and he ambled in her general direction, contemplating the treeline as though he had far, far better things to do than talk to her. Technically, he did, but friendship - damn and blast it - transcends all. That, and James was getting way too good at making puppy eyes lately. Brushing off her dismissal easily, he sailed on. "Lovely, thanks. Got an inquiry or two for you, minor matter really, be done in a few minutes. I'm sure neither of us wants to drag this on."

This brought the beginnings of a scowl to her face. She hated how cocky Potter and Black were, and it appeared that both egos were separate entities; she'd thought they only acted this way when they were together. "Will you bugger off if I agree?"

The eyebrows arched, and he looked at her directly only a moment before glancing off again. "Oh yeah, sure sure. No muss, no fuss." He gave her a slow grin. As long as she was more concerned about making him leave her alone, this would be a lot less painful than he'd first imagined.

Lily huffed a breath through her nose, her stance getting possibly more haughty as the time pressed on. "Go on then."

Again, Sirius allowed his surprise to show itself in amusement. Few things ever came easy by Prefect Pinchnose - a nickname Sirius had been carefully perpetuating amongst the lower years - and he decided not to press his luck by mimicking her cocked hip and folded arms. Though he'd hate to admit it to anyone, Lily was interestingly magnified when she was annoyed ... if only she'd ever caught on that that was the reason for most of James' antics, she'd be docile as a house-elf.

Seizing the window of opportunity, Sirius stuck his hands in his pockets and began The List. "What's your favourite colour?"

Lily arched a ginger eyebrow. That's all he wanted? _No, it can't be, she thought to herself._"Green. Is that everything then?"

He couldn't suppress a snort. "Hardly. You aren't getting rid of me that easy. Favourite flower?" His tone carried the intonation of mild disdain, more for his job than for her.

"What is this for, anyway? Surely you're not suddenly interested in my favourite things," Lily answered, detouring from the question in hopes of startling the answer out of him.

"Certainly not." As soon as he spoke, he feared he'd overplayed his hand with his indignance. Straightening himself a bit and reassuming his customary look of boredom, he improvised swiftly. "They're doing a personal bit on each of the Prefects for the graduation programme, and McGonagall hadn't the chance to catch you after lesson. Wasn't quick enough for her, so she pinched me, and here I am." He spread his arms ingratiatingly. "Don't make me beg, darling. Favourite flower?"

"_Darling?_" Lily scoffed, nearly laughing at the endearment. He sounded like some sort of cheesy reporter for a television programme, trying to coax an answer out of someone. Lily was not at all impressed, but the thought that he would in fact beg was enough to force the answer out of her. "Tulips."

_Hm. Hadn't expected that._Sirius was almost sure she'd say something predictable like roses or ... something, but at least this way he'd remember. "Right." He started pacing a slow circle around her, looking off in the distance again. "Got any special plans for hols?"

"Nothing I'm telling you about," Lily answered, feeling a thrill of nervousness speed through her veins. She hated this... whatever he was doing. It made her feel like an animal in a cage. Or some other animal's prey. She gave a barely distinct shudder.

"It's not for me, it's for the adoring masses." He stopped his pacing with a mildly irritated look in her general direction. "If you're going to be difficult about it, I may as well go on."

"Adoring-" Lily's eyes suddenly flashed dangerously, and she turned to look at him. "This is for bloody Potter, isn't it?"

Sirius made a show of rolling his eyes. "Oh what're you on about now, Evans?"

"Why else would you be asking me all these questions? Adoring masses my foot. No one wants to know my favourite colour or flower or where I'm going this summer. You're full of rubbish!" Lily's tone rose with every word, until she was nearly shouting. She started off in an instant, not even looking over her shoulder as she yelled back at him. "Well you won't be getting any more information from me!"

Surprised, he hesitated a moment, then went bounding after her. She was difficult to keep up with when she was in a rush. "Evans. Lily! Come on, I'll swear it's not for him! Whether you pulled that idea from the air or your arse, I don't care. I'm here to do a job, and you'll not muck it up! Now will you calm the hell down and humour me, or not?"

"Humour you? _Please!_" she yelled back. His voice was getting considerably closer, and she picked up the pace.

The colour in his face rose along with his temper as he chased after the angrily bouncing mane of red hair. "Figures you'd make an enormous ordeal out of something simple, doesn't it? Well, fine! I'll just ask one more, then."

"I'm not going to answer you!" she yelled back, though she was starting to pant with effort at trying to get away from him. She didn't want to outright run, that would be so embarrassing.

Frustrated and red-faced, he stopped halfway up the slope behind her, shouting to be heard, his disdain for the question evident. "_D'YOU LIKE JONI MITCHELL?_"

He had yelled so loudly that some people along the path had overheard, gawking at Lily as she'd rushed past. She blushed a deep crimson in her embarrassment, ducking her head. She turned in a swirl of red hair, stalking back up at him and standing only a foot away from his face. He was taller by at least a head-and-a-half, which made it terribly unsatisfying for a proper glare. "YES, okay! Yes. Are you SATISFIED?"

He grinned wolfishly down at her, pleased. "Yes. For now." _Oh, my dear_ he thought _The List is so much longer than that._

"This isn't going to stop, is it?" She huffed indignantly.

Sirius thought a moment. There were only roughly thirty-seven questions thus far, but there'd be more, he was sure. He leaned in with a confidential look. "No."

Lily took a step back, revulsion twisting on her face. "Fine. Fine. Okay. Just ask until there's no more. But not here. Godric, everyone... ugh." She grabbed his arm with unnecessary brutality and started pulling him forcefully along after her.

She'd dragged him all the way to the greenhouses by the time Sirius managed to wriggle free of Lily's iron grip. He rubbed his wrist ruefully and planted his feet with a stubborn expression. "There. I'm not going a step further, it's far too hot out for this sort of crap. Ready to continue?"

Lily pinched the bridge of her nose. _I'm going to get a migraine. Oh god..._"Yes."

"Don't do that, you look like the librarian." Flopping in the meager shade of a nearby sapling, he ruffled his hair. "Got a favourite poet?"

"The student body... wants to know... my favourite poet...?" she said in a very slow voice, as if asking a foreigner where the public toilet was. "Yeats. I like Yeats."

"Funny - took you for a Byron girl." For a moment, he looked off-guard - lest it hit her that he actually knew his Muggle poets, he plowed on, fingers folded behind his head. "Long-term plans after graduation?"

"Hold on a minute, you know Byron?" Lily asked instead, returning to the original statement with a look of disbelief. It was a well-known fact that the Blacks were purebloods. That he read anything by anyone who wasn't a witch or wizard, even if it was Sirius, was quite shocking.

"Yes. No. I don't ruddy know, I'm the one asking the questions." The tide was shifting disturbingly in her direction, and Sirius didn't like it one whit. He wrenched up a blade of grass with more vigor than necessary and stuck it in the corner of his mouth, affecting disinterest.

"Answer the question, Black," Lily pressed, glad that she was still standing because it gave her a more menacing presence to stand over him and stare him down.

Heaving a tremendous and long-suffering sigh to the patient tree above, Sirius sulkily recited: "Spot of my youth! whose hoary branches sigh / Swept by the breeze that fans thy cloudless sky / Where now alone I muse, who oft have trod / With those I loved, thy soft and verdant sod." A pause, then he added as an afterthought, "Remus made me."

_Remus,_ Lily echoed mentally, her cheeks feeling considerably warmer. _Oh..._"I... well, that makes sense. Yes. Byron is wonderful. But I like Yeats."

Sirius glanced at her, curious. "Now, what's that look about?"

"There was no look," Lily replied quickly, leaving no room for argument. "I'm going to live with my two friends. After I leave school."

He lost interest quickly, relieved to have dodged the Byron bullet, more or less. "In a gutter? In a palace? Working at all?"

"In a flat," Lily answered, irritation leaking into her voice again. "I'm going to apply for St. Mungo's."

"Riveting. Got any hobbies, have you?" Sirius rolled the blade of grass in his teeth, speaking out of the corner of his mouth.

She turned her back to him, looking back at the lake with longing. She'd wanted to come out to walk, not answer a hundred questions. "I write short stories. And take photographs, which means scrapbooking. I like to make collages."

He accidentally choked a little on the blade of grass, and spat it out before she had a chance to glance back. Trying his best to look as though nothing happened, he went blank for a moment trying to remember the next question. "Erm ... blast. Oh! When you're a stuffy old graduate reminiscing about Hogsmeade, which place will you think of most fondly?"

She gave a faint snort, a completely un-ladylike noise. Not that she cared any. "Isn't it a little obvious?" she replied, still looking at the lake. The sarcasm in her expression softened out a little, her voice going quiet. "I've never really been to the coast. It's too far of a drive. It's... nice. Being so close to water."

Though he was mostly in agreement, he affected a disdainful arch to the eyebrow. "There's a huge squid in there, you know."

"Yes, I know. I've seen it. It's fascinating," she replied, her voice returning to it's previous haughty tone.

Deciding he liked the sweet tone far better than the stuck-up one, Sirius sat up a bit and looked at her contemplatively. "Seriously, though, what is it about water? I ..." I can't believe I'm going to tell her this. "I've always preferred rivers and the like. Oceans - too big for me." He chuckled. "I keep imagining I'm right over a great big eye every time I'm out there on a boat or something."

Lily blinked, looking at him at last with an arched eyebrow. _A great big eye? Oh, the Squid..._"I guess it just comes back to the fact that I've never had it. I like the sound. It's calming. And it's so full of life. There are merpeople in the Lake, too. All sorts of things. It's like a whole other world you can't see unless you look closely. Not that I have, but the idea is... interesting."

"Good answer." He sounded slightly surprised, and sat up, wracking his brains for the final questions. After a moment, he heaved a sigh. "Forget it, I can't remember the rest. Think this is good enough for now." He tapped the side of his head. "Yeats, lake, photos, St. Mungo's, tulips, Joni Mitchell, green. Got it."

Lily blinked again, not sure whether to ask what he was on about or to leave or anything, really. The entire situation was... curious, at best. His story about a thing for McGonagall still sounded phony. Why, again, would anyone want to know these things about her? The idea that Potter was behind all this sounded much more logical. She settled on giving him a suspicious look.

Rolling his eyes, he climbed to his feet, reluctantly leaving the shade. "Oh, come off it, I know that look. You're about to be shirty again."

"I beg your pardon?" She snapped, hands on her hips once more.

Sirius mimicked her stance. "You've got this persistent and incredibly annoying habit of getting all righteously indignant at the drop of a hat. Look, what've I done to you other than ask questions? No wonder James is about bloody ready to give up." He paused, unsure if he should've let that slip ... too late, now.

Lily's eyes narrowed, flashing dangerously. "I knew it. I knew it! You lying tosser! It's a good thing half of what I said was lies because I knew you were lying!"

Throwing up his arms, he raised his voice in turn. He hated it when girls shouted. "Look, they're not for sodding Potter, right? If it makes you feel better, they were for me!" _The things I do for that kid ..._

Well. That was definitely not what she expected to hear. Lily stared at him wide-eyed, her mouth open and one hand having come up to point accusingly at him just... somewhat... still pointing lamely at him. It took her about three seconds to realise how foolish she must've looked before she dropped her hand and closed her mouth. "Bollocks."

"I think I'll call a short recess for the collective untwisting of knickers. Cheers, Evans." Face burning, he turned and marched back into the building, pretty much entirely sure that that was the wrong thing to do. _Stupid girls. Stupid James. Stupid ... self._

* * *

><p>It was several days later, and still Sirius was grumbling things to himself like "insufferable" and "bloody difficult" and "impossible." In the free-for-all of planning for the summer, Sirius kept mostly to himself, preferring not to listen in on everyone's exciting plans. Oh, me? I'm spending the summer hiding out at my friend's house 'cause my mother is a psychotic, how about you?'<p>

Feigning disinterest, he'd started to nod off on the couch by the fire. It'd worked, and most everyone was in bed by now. He was planning on faking it a few minutes more with the book resting over his face before creeping upstairs.

Lily however still had prefect rounds, even if the year was coming to a close. Her mind continued to circle around the confrontation with Black the week prior, having avoided him for the better part of said week after hearing his last words. It didn't make any sense. Did he actually... was it possible...? That particular night she decided he was yet again that the entire situation was bollocks. She shook her head and muttered to herself as she went through the portrait hole, stopping to survey the room and send any stragglers to bed.

Hearing an all-too-familiar voice, Sirius lifted the book with a forefinger just to make sure. Shite, it was ... he dropped the edge of the text with unnecessary haste, and it caught his nose roughly. Sitting up with a yelp, he rubbed it with a muffled "Fuck!"

Lily smirked, but quickly covered her face under the guise of a cough. "Black," she said roughly. "You should be in bed. Class tomorrow."

"Yeth, mummy," he lisped, shaking his head in disgust. "Class tomorrow. So now I'm thick enough not to know the days of the week?" This was more comfortable ground - at least she wasn't asking him any more questions about Byron.

Her gaze sharpened considerably at his insolence, crossing the distance between the portrait hole and the sofa. So he wanted to play? Then they'd play. "Well, apparently so. It's almost eleven."

"Oh, do help me, Prefect Evans, I'm a sixth-year who doesn't know how to read the hands of the clock! Leave off." He stayed firmly planted on the couch, one hand touching his tender nose, more because she'd told him to leave than any desire to stay.

It took all of her effort to keep from raising her voice. People would hear, and she most certainly did not want to explain herself to anyone who'd overheard. "You can't be serious," she replied, her eyes moving down to the book in his hand. _Is that..._

With horror, he noticed her drifting gaze - thinking quickly, he clapped his hands over the title. "Perfectly." _Oh, really witty Black, just corking._

His reaction almost made her laugh out loud if it wasn't for the fact that she'd caught the title of the book before he hid it. Yeats. He was reading Yeats. "Why are you reading Yeats?" Lily asked, her voice very controlled.

"Um," he replied eloquently, unable to come up with a faster lie. It was all her bloody fault for being attractive and ... articulate.

"Oh really? That's quite interesting. I concur," she replied rather stiffly, pulling the book out of his hands. It was open already, and she flipped it over to check exactly what passage he was on. Her expression went slack. _To a Young Girl_ was her favourite passage. She looked up at him accusingly. "Okay, who told you."

Hands empty, he made a desperate wish to dear old Godric to allow him the privilege of melting into the floor of his common room. Lying stone-facedly, Sirius glowered at her from under lowered brows. "I picked a book at random. Off of ... the Muggle Literature section. It's my face book. Could you honestly be more prying?"

Lily glared at him. "Oh yes, because you just randomly remembered that I liked Yeats. The hell, Black! Who - told you - this - was my favourite passage? Who? Because I'll kill them with my bare hands, I promise you that."

He raised his eyebrows, a little too surprised to remember to curse fate. "You like 'To A Young Girl'? Not that I know a single thing about it at all ever." Trailing off lamely, he tried to match her glare and failed.

It was like stepping in something foul. She dropped the book in an instant, taking a brisk step backwards and just gawking at the statement he made. He knew Yeats like he knew Byron and it was making her suddenly hate poetry like the Plague.

The book lay like roadkill between them, and of all the clever retorts in his head, the only one that made it out was "Happy, now?" _Damn you, Godric, and damn you, Yeats. Damn you, Lily, for looking pretty when you're angry._

"Why?" she spat, shaking her head. "Why are you doing this? Why are you doing these things? Is this some... some kind of twisted prank? Some kind of joke to you? Do you think you're funny? Because I don't. I don't think any of you lot are funny, and I would greatly appreciate it if you all left me alone and stayed away from Byron and Yeats and tulips and anything else that I like. Because they're what I like, and I really don't want you taking them and making them something else."

"I thought those were lies," he said quietly. As for his own lie, he was alarmed by how rapidly it was becoming a sort of truth. He'd been turning it over in his head when he should've been planning one of his 'twisted pranks,' that she liked tulips, not roses. Sirius stood awkwardly, keeping his eyes on the book.

Lily flushed rather abruptly, opening her mouth to answer but just closing it again. She did this twice before managing to force words out. "I lied. About lying. But that isn't the point-!" She added fiercely, some of the old anger back.

"Don't shout. Please." Sirius was far too tired, confused, and put out to keep up the fight. "I hate it when girls shout." He rubbed the back of his neck, risking a glance at her.

Lily visibly shrank back from her tirade, though the gawking didn't cease. Her expression changed slowly that to confusion, tinted with frustration. "You aren't allowed to like my things. It isn't fair."

"I'll tell you what's not fair - you liking interesting things. Why couldn't you just be typical and say you like Shakespeare sonnets or ... or the colour pink?" He realized he was essentially admitting to having deliberately checked out Yeats, but at this point, he didn't care. This was probably the most they'd ever spoken outside of their little interview yesterday, and he wasn't sure what he thought of it at all.

"Because I hate- wait, why am I explaining myself?" she said suddenly, trying very hard not to get haughty and loud again. She reached up and pinched the bridge of her noise, anything not to look at him like he was right now. All tired and soft and not at all like his usually cool, collective self. He almost looked like a real person and not The Enemy. It was too much to take in.

"You hate pink, or you hate Shakespeare? Not sure if I can forgive you on the latter - anyone who can write an entire play around a cross-dresser earns my respect, and that's a fact." _I'm smiling at Lily Evans. Why am I smiling at Lily Evans?_

"I hate pink," she answered in a defeated tone, still clutching the bridge of her nose. "And Shakespeare is boring and unoriginal and ruins history. I'd rather read something by Wells or Caroll."

"What about _Midsummer Night's Dream_, ey? Carroll's too sopped-up in metaphor, and of course Shakespeare's original. He's original like Mozart, you just think he's not 'cause you've seen so many imitations." Sirius blinked, shut up, and fought the urge to clap a hand over his mouth. The time for pretending he knew nothing about the subject had passed, but there was no need to dig himself in deeper.

Lily looked up at him at last, her expression a mixture of disbelief and... curiosity. "How would you know what I have and haven't seen?" she replied slowly, though him bringing up _Midsummer Night's Dream_ - one of the few plays by Shakespeare that she actually somewhat _liked_- was surprising.

"I don't, and I have no clue why I'm still here." Bending down to pick up the book in what he hoped was a righteous swoop, he missed at first, and had to duck down again. Tucking the book under his arm, he looked at her just a moment longer before making his way to the stairs, hoping beyond hope that his ears weren't as red as he felt they were.

Lily stood dumbly as he moved off, following him with her eyes until he reached the stairwell leading towards the dorms. "Sirius-"

Sirius stopped, shoulders hunched, one foot on the first step, praying silently. _Please don't make me turn around, I'll have to go over and kiss you. And then you'll slap me._

Lily swallowed, surprised that he'd stopped. She stared at his back for a moment before speaking. "Sleep well."

_Piss off,_he thought. "You too," he said, glancing over his shoulder.

Lily gave him a guarded smile, the confusion still evident in her eyes as he looked back at her. This entire situation was much too strange for her.

There was a heavy moment of decision in the air between the before Sirius gave her a small smile in return, then turned up the rest of the stairs. He could feel her presence still behind him, and it made him feel funny in the chest. That, and the feeling that he'd be seeing that smile long before he ever got to sleep, only served to confound him all the more.

* * *

><p>The last week of school was fast approaching, each day blurring into the next one until it was impossible to remember what event happened in which day. With the exception of Black, however. Lily remembered exactly when those things took place. And it was such a strange thing, now. Not only did she have to dodge James in the halls, but now Sirius too. And both of them, she noticed, had a problem with staring. But where James made it fairly obvious, every time Lily caught Sirius staring he'd look away. Apparently she wasn't the only one who noticed him staring at her, either. A few of her friends brought it up that maybe Sirius Black fancied her, to which Lily would quickly dodge the subject with "How about the weather"s and "So where are you going for hols"s.<p>

Truth be told, Lily was startled with all of it. Especially the fact that she couldn't quite get that last conversation between them out of her head. And that strange smile of his. He'd never quite looked at her that way before. It was... well, whatever it was, Lily knew she shouldn't like it, but for some very peculiar and quite possibly daftest reason, she did.

Lily waited until two hours before curfew to go outside, relishing in the fading colours of the day. Dusk had always been her favourite time of day; the air felt so much more sweet and magical than any other time. She found the familiar foot-beaten path that led towards the lake, eyes focused on the water ahead.

These days, Sirius was feeling more and more like scratching off the days till hols on his bedpost with a pen-knife. An unnameable dread followed him from class to class, guilt pervaded his conversation, and if this was love, Sirius wanted no part in it. Even James had begun to comment on how he was 'no fun' anymore, and rather than desperately overcompensate, Sirius secreted himself away to think.

He wasn't sure if he'd thought this much about anyone before, ever.

It came to this - something had to happen. It was the feeling he'd get when someone rubbed him wrong, and there was an impending fight ... both parties usually understood that if there wasn't a fight, the tension would stretch like taffy over an agonizing space. At the point when a girl was making each hour seem like a day, well ... something had to happen.

In the fashion of an animal readying itself for another run at the cage door, Sirius waited by the lake. Lacking anything to fidget with, he'd extracted a bit of grass to gnaw on, and didn't notice her approach.

She'd half-expected to find him as she breached the hill, so to actually see him there wasn't too much of a shock. She vaguely remembered something Potter had said about how saying stuff to the wrong people was sometimes a bad idea, because those were the ones who tended to never forget. She felt her stomach give a strange sort of twist and stopped in her walking, watching him looking off in the distance at nothing in particular. Probably where he expected her to be coming from.

It was that damned tingle on the back of his neck that made him turn, and out of habit he almost looked away at the sight of her standing there. Still, there was absolutely no pretending that he was there of his own volition. Rising slowly from where he'd been hunkered down in a squat, he looked at her through a few errant strands of dark hair. "Evening."

Lily shifted on her feet, struggling not to meet his eyes. She nodded and hummed in answer, pushing her hands in her pockets to keep from wringing them and looking at the little waves the wind caused on the surface of the lake. "Lovely night."

Sirius grimaced a little at the start of small talk. She and Remus were too good at it, the both of them, and it drove him batty sometimes. She did have a bit of a point, though ... the sunset was gorgeous, that creepy squid was nowhere to be seen, and the birds were still chuntering to themselves on their way to roost. He replied with a noncommittal grunt, waiting for the moment of eye contact with equal parts dread and hope.

She could feel his eyes on her, and it made her want to fidget terribly. She could feel the tension bouncing between them like electricity, and she was just waiting for the boom of thunder as a result of it. Lily shivered.

"Aren't you going to shout at me for infringing another one of your favourites?" Sirius hated his own voice in that moment - he sounded like a sulky child. He was picking a fight, and he knew it, but he had to get something from her besides politeness. A remote part of him almost craved the flush she'd get when she was annoyed, and an even more distant one wished for the smile.

"You don't like it when I shout," she replied, though there was a bitter edge to her tone as if she was really trying hard not to. She looked up at him through her fringe, her lips pressed into a thin line again.

"I don't like it when any girl shouts. It's a thing. Look ..." Suddenly, the scene was far too pastoral for him. If there were any justice in the world, it would be raining right now. "I liked it far better when you were finding excuses to pass me off as a tosser."

"And I liked it a lot better when I only had to worry about one stalker," Lily snapped, her jaw twitching slightly. "You know, you're just as much - if not moreso - of a conundrum as he is, and I don't get it! I don't! You knew I was coming here, so what is your deal? What do you want from me?"

Of course a thousand things sprang to mind, and of course his first answer would be: "Fuck if I know! And don't you start comparing me to James - I'm not half as creepy about all of this as he is, and I haven't been obsessing over you since second year. I don't obsess over you at all. You just ..." he trailed off, losing steam. It probably wouldn't do him much good in her standing to explain that 'my thoughts are all jumbly.'

"I just what?" she pressed, ending the gap at least partially with a few strides. She looked at him in much of the same way as she would a younger student she'd caught vandalizing school property. "Out with it."

In times of great turmoil, minds like Sirius' tend to narrow down the options by force. Thinking has become too much, and in lieu of contemplation comes action. In other words, all of the confusion and worry in his head boiled down to a simple phrase - namely, fuck it - and he met her in the middle with both hands on her face, and lips on hers. _What a fight this turned out to be._

Again, of all the things she had been expecting, that had been the farthest thing from her imaginings. Lily tensed up in shock, eyes wide, unresponsive as her mind reeled on in the mantra of _He's kissing me he's kissing me he's kissing me_ and when sensory overload finally started to kick in she realised that he actually had a great mouth, and that even though he was being slightly forceful he knew the right place to put his hands and the kind of grip that commanded obedience. She found her lips moving on their own accord before sensibility once again kicked into gear, her hands coming up to shove him back by the shoulders. "What the hell are you **_DOING?_**"

The mouth spoke before the brain could catch up, still reeling from the impressions of _heat wet sweet soft_... "Fighting," he said, looking at her with the shock of someone just punched in the face. Did he just do that? Was he, in fact, awake? Sirius was relatively sure that no waking world would permit Lily to kiss him back.

Lily looked half ready to bolt, her eyes still wide and wild from what had just happened. He had kissed her and she had kissed back. Him. Sirius Black. Potter's best friend. The Second Enemy. And most terrifying of all, that she'd actually found herself liking it. She shook her head furiously, taking a step back. "Fighting? _Fighting?_"

"Hell." If he felt like he'd just been smacked about the head, she looked as though he'd slaughtered a kitten in front of her. A rising desperation in him made the words pour out like they rarely ever did, seizing the chance. "You're confusing the fuck out of me, is the thing. D'you realize how often I really think about girls? I've been with a fair few, but really thinking about them ... didn't seem worth it. Then you come along, and you're bloody difficult, and I can't seem to stop thinking about it." He paused for a breath.

"No," She said, still shaking her head. "No, no, nonono. No. I am only as difficult as I've ever been and you will stop looking at me like that this _instant!_" Her tone was bordering on hysterics, because as much as she hated it she was hoping he would do it again just to spite her, like he and Potter always tended to do.

If she hadn't said 'this instant,' he probably wouldn't have let her back off. That snappish remark, though, made him step forward again, hands closing on her upper arms in a firm, yet not unkind grip. "Then you start looking at me." They were intoxicatingly close, and there was a firmness to his voice that even he wasn't accustomed to hearing.

Her stomach did that twisty-flip-flop again, and she gasped in direct response. She almost felt his breath when he'd spoken, and could most certainly smell his aftershave. _Oh god._Her eyes rose out of impulse alone, and another little breath escaped her at how very grey his eyes were. Like water at night.

The silence was almost as good as a request, and the sounds she was making were excruciating - Sirius made a brief motion, leaning in and hesitating, eyes still locked on hers, before kissing her again. Most all of the kisses he'd ever had had felt like a matter of course ... this, in turn, felt almost dizzyingly inevitable. Whatever he had tasted that first time around - he needed it again.

Where the other one had been unexpected, this one she'd seen coming. Her eyes stayed open and on his for only a moment before they fell closed, her hands coming up to rest on his hips, moving around to his back. She gave into what was happening, knowing that there was really no use in fighting it anymore. The electric suffocating feeling was gone, replaced with the sensation of his lips against hers like wet velvet. Lily gave an almost inaudible little noise, lips parting of their own accord.

Deciding he didn't care much whether or not this was a blessing or a curse, Sirius surrendered to instinct at the feeling of her arms going around his waist. His hands remained on her arms as he tilted his head into the kiss, half-afraid still that she would pull back. There was the dual feeling of holding someone tiny and strong, and the bliss of the unexpected.

* * *

><p>This last week had turned into nothing more than a smear of memories laced with sensation. Charms, walking to Potions and being pulled aside into an empty classroom. Snogging almost until the tardy bell. Lips and tongues and Godric his hands in her shirt and under her skirt and "I gotta go, I gotta go" but then snogging still. She'd nearly ran to every class this happened between, pushing her hair down and straightening her tie and almost falling through the door. The Professors looked at her strangely; it wasn't often that Lily was ever late. Once or twice she caught James looking at her, but she ignored it. Sirius always came late. It was no surprise seeing him strolling through the doors, the very incarnation of Cool and Collected, smirking and sitting back in his chair and casting a sideways glance at her when no one was looking. He sent her notes telling her just what he was thinking, and it left Lily so flushed and unable to keep from squirming all night until after Rounds. He would be waiting, and then they'd go at it again, only this time there would only be sleep as the interruption. They chose a corner of the common room that no one could see unless they moved in that direction, a hidden nook just barely covered by a wall separation. Those times his hands kept at her, finding her erogeny, driving her mad until she came at last, still fully clothed. Neither of her past two boyfriends had ever driven her this insane with lust. It was unnerving that Sirius Black, her enemy, could become this.<p>

It was the last day of school, and Rounds were cut early that evening. Everyone was still awake when she arrived, exchanging last-minute addresses and in some cases phone numbers, trying to make the night stretch on forever. Lily saw Sirius, face down on the sofa. The other boys were already gone, a very unexplainable shock. Lily was stopped by at least two people on her way to "her chair" near the sofa, and she gave in to the distractions. They wouldn't be able to do anything until everyone was gone, anyway. Addresses and summer plans were exchanged, and Lily even nearly-cried as one of her girlfriends - a 7th year - had said her final goodbyes before going up to bed. They'd speak on the train naturally, but those would most likely be full-on crying experiences. The crowd was thinning. Lily pulled a book from the community bookshelf and sat in her chair, not-reading, waiting for the last stragglers to head on.

Sirius had always been a sensory creature. It would diminish him to say he was easily pleased - instead, he found pleasure in the simple joys of warm afternoon, a successful prank, a good meal, and a fucking hot between-classes snog. Kissing Lily was like breathing champagne, and always left him with the feeling that he'd just taken a good long ride on the best motorbike in the world. It was really all he could do to keep from bragging, and it sent him into a foot-tapping frenzy whenever any one of his many friends went on about their conquests, which was common during the final week. In his head, he was saying, "you don't know anything. You don't know a single fucking thing, not until you've made Lily Evans come."

At least he was a bit more subtle about it than she, though he really did love watching her blush. All the outrageous suggestions, the pinches in passing, every bit of it was to watch the colour rise in her face. He imagined she was doing it now as he feigned sleep, listening to the voices rise and fade as people passed on to their respective dormitories. Remus' voice was going now, having ruffled Sirius' hair in passing, and Sirius forced himself to be patient. _Go to bed, Remus. Go. To. Bed._

Remus, of course, was the last one awake. Lily watched his back as he climbed up the stairs, afraid to breathe. She tried to remember all the faces she'd seen. Were there any stragglers? She closed her eyes, scrunching her face in thought. She mentally ticked off every name and face she knew, yet still the common room remained quiet except for the sound of two breathing bodies. Lily felt the hair on her arms rising.

Once he was absolutely sure - no footsteps on the stairs, no doors shutting, no passwords being spoken - Sirius turned his head just enough to look at her with one eye through his hair. She was doing an adorably terrible job of pretending to read, and he waited for her to catch the glance. The corner of his mouth lifted in a barely-suppressed grin, entire body tingling in anticipation.

Her eyes snapped open, eyes already on his face. She could just make out the blue-gray of his iris through the long black hair and found herself giving the smallest shiver. She wet her lips subconsciously, closing the book and bending to put it on the floor. Already every nerve in her body was winding taut in the suspense.

Any thought of teasing her or making her wait went straight out the window when she licked her lips. He quickly rose from the couch and crossed the room in three strides, bending down to kiss her with both hands on her face. It'd almost been an entire day, not counting the missed lunch, and he let a small groan into her mouth. She tasted like oranges.

Lily had barely had enough time to sit upright before he was on her, pinning her down into the chair, his tongue in her mouth. His groan reverberated into her, pulling a moan from her as well. She brought her hands up to his shoulders, kissing him back just as fiercely, the fingers of one hand winding up in to tangle in his hair. Merlin, there had been too much wait for this one. She'd been craving him for hours.

He kissed her with something close to desperation, two hands reaching down to encircle her waist and stand her up. After days of teasing, flesh needed flesh, and Sirius wanted as much of her body pressing against him as possible. The sensation of her breasts pressing against his chest sent off firecrackers in his mind as the two of them stumbled back towards the couch.

Lily followed him closely, nearly treading on his feet as they moved backwards. Her own thoughts circled around the same hunger for him, wanting all she could take. She turned them as they reached the couch at last, wanting to feel the weight of him against her. She laid back first, pulling him along with her until he was above her and between her knees.

A quiet litany of curses spilled between the kisses as a hand slipped between where their bodies joined, stroking her through the cloth. He was already hard as hell, and waiting was agony, but with his blood thrumming in his ears and electricity travelling in shocks through his body, every second was a delicious sort of suspension. Sirius had always enjoyed foreplay, but he was hard-pressed to remember the last time he'd enjoyed it this much.

Burying his face in the crook of her neck, he staunchly resisted the urge to bite, to suck. Seeing the marks just below her collar-line were enough, the little bruises she'd allowed him to make. Looking at her, he should've always known she'd like it rough ... how he'd never picked up on it before, he'd never know.

Lily arched into his frantic touches, her own hands having full and free range to travel his body due to her position. She slid her hands up under his shirt and jumper, nails making paths against his skin. One hand skirted beneath the waistband of his trousers, stroking his hip teasingly. She hooked one leg behind his knee, grinding up into him and giving a faint moan as the results sent a spike of pleasure straight to her groin as well. She turned her head so that her lips found his ear, nipping the lobe just hard enough not to hurt.

"For fuck's sake, Lily, touch me ..." he growled, slipping his free hand under the arch of her back to hold her to him. Leaning down, he nuzzled her collar open, letting his teeth graze the expanse of lightly freckled skin that led down between her breasts, fingers and thumb firmly mapping the shape of her through her knickers.

Lily gave a choked noise, bucking into his knowing hand. God, even through her clothes he knew all the right places, and it was driving her half mad with need. "S'kinda... oh fuck yess," she hissed when his thumb traced over her clit. She moved her hips up into it, wanting more. "S'kinda hard with you on top. Switch and I will." As much as she wanted his weight on her, she knew there was still plenty of time before sunrise.

On the other hand, there was nothing but the moment for Sirius, who was torn between finally getting her clothing off and letting her hands roam a bit more. It felt so damned good to have her trapped there that he stayed for a minute longer, locking eyes with her as he used his fingers to push the material aside and find the wonder of wet, tender folds of skin. A shock of pleasure travelled through him when she swore, and his tongue lightly caught the areas that his teeth had marked before. The sounds of their breathing and clothes-rustling were the only noises in the room besides the fire.

Lily pressed her nails into his shoulder when he passed the final barrier of clothing between her skin, struggling to keep from moaning more loudly at his touch. The idea of them switching suddenly lost his appeal; she did not, under any circumstances, want him to stop.

Breathlessly, Sirius arched into the sharp little half-moons of her nails, accepting the sting with a surge of adrenaline. Once he'd done so, though, an impulse seized him - freeing the arm around her wait, he grabbed her wrists, locking the both of them in his fingers and slamming them home above her head. She was stunning all the time, but especially so when trapped. His fingertip traced circles around her clit, occasionally dashing in to feel the wondrous pull and thrust of muscles inside.

Lily gasped when he grabbed her hands, only a little startled when he pushed them above her head. She moved her wrists to struggle, but only until his other hand moved again. She whimpered every time his finger slid into her, pressing up into him in a silent plea not to stop. She turned her face against his again, kissing his neck and temple. "Yeah... oh God, yes-"

The places she kissed were cool on his hot skin, the fever of needing her making him feel like he was about to go up in flames - thumb still circling, tighter and tighter, he switched to two fingers, his grip on her wrists still strong as he pulled back to watch her face. Little else aroused him more than this.

"Oh," she moaned, her fingers curling tight around his own hand. It'd been months since anything this intense, and though the burn of stretching skin was there, she knew it was only a matter of time before it faded entirely. Especially if he kept his thumb right where it was. She looked up into his face, her breath erratic and struggling to keep her eyes open. She'd always closed her eyes in most cases, but with Sirius she wanted to watch him watch her, see the hunger in his eyes as he fought his own urges. "I want-... oh fuck, like that, I... I... Ohh... I want to suck you off, but fuck... that feels so good."

Sirius let out a desperate sort of sound at the combination of swearing and dirty suggestions combined - there was only one thing he wanted more than to feel her lips stretched around him, and that was to see her come. Sirius grinned. "You will, Red - you will. You're going to come first, though." Extending his arm to keep her wrists pinned above her head, he nipped at her breast through the cloth of her shirt, fucking her with his hand as his thumb massaged the swollen mound of her clit.

She gave a low moan in answer to his noise, her hips thrusting up in time with his hand now. Her face was starting to flush from the heady act, combined with the lack thereof of clothing. She laughed breathily, looking at him through half-lidded eyes and barely holding back another moan. "Such a giver."

A thrust of his fingers punctuated his words as he gave her a truly sinful grin. "Nothing giving about it. You're bloody gorgeous." And tight, he added in his head, marvelling at the clutch and slide of her around his fingers. _That would feel so goddamn good..._and if the glorious wetness on his palm was any indication, it would be his turn soon enough.

His thrust triggered another whimpering gasp, the building in her belly rising at much too fast a pace. Part of her was hoping to hold it at bay, make it last, but the more dominant thought was begging for it to claim her. "_Harder,_" she pleaded.

He held off on her request for just a second, just long enough to get another whimper, then leaned into the pushing. Her hips rocked under his thrusting, and he moved his hips along in sympathy as the grip on his fingers slid tighter and tighter. The line of his kisses travelled up her neck, tasting the beginnings of sweat.

"Ohh- Oh... _**fuck...** Sirius-_!" But before she could finish her orgasm claimed her at last. Her head tipped back and she went rigid beneath him, her hands tightening around his grip on her out of reflex. The pleasure pounded into her until she could hardly force a breath.

Though he'd no idea how the entire castle couldn't hear her, Sirius wouldn't have it any other way - that was his name on her lips, chased by curses, and for just a moment he felt a fierce sense of possession as he drew back to watch her face. He rode her orgasm through, fingers still deep inside her to stretch the moment to the fullest, unable to help a grin.

When the last of it burned off she melted bonelessly back into the couch cushions again, her heart hammering in her ears. She could still feel the twitch of after effects between her legs. It was the first time she'd gotten off on anything other than her own fingers in a long time, and somehow Sirius had managed to outrank even her first boyfriend when it came to this. She looked up at him blearily. "Oh. Merlin. I should... be disgusted. You've... had plenty... of experience, haven't you?"

"I'm not going to answer that." Sirius withdrew from her gently. His fingers were deliciously wet, and the heady scent of her rose from them like a divine sort of honey - he resisted the urge to lick his palm, and instead released her wrists, leaning back on the opposite arm of the couch to watch her try to collect herself. "Now, what was that offer you made earlier? I'm having difficulty recalling ..." He tilted his head to the side with a mischievous look. Fuck, but he was still hard as rock ... especially at the thought of what was coming, if she was true to her word.

Lily flexed her fingers now that his grip was gone, pushing herself up until she was propped against the back of the arm. She brought her knees up, slipping her own hands beneath her skirt and sliding her knickers down her legs. She slid them under the cushions, standing up for a moment and smirking down at him. "Lay back. Maybe I can refresh your memory."

Though his brain was saying something along the lines of _'oh sweet Merlin, yes ...'_he managed a smirk in return. The sight of her knickers - unpredictably pink, instead of the white he'd expected - disappearing in the couch cushions went straight to his groin. Sirius laid back, taking his lower lip between his teeth in anticipation.

Lily straddled his legs, sitting up right as she reached her arms around her waist and peeled off her jumper. The white button-up blouse stuck to her skin quite viably, and her hands went up to loosen the gold-and-crimson tie still knotted at her neck. She watched him all the while, her eyes drinking in his featured. Her fingers fell down to the button-and-fly of his trousers, no longer slow and teasing as she worked them open.

His hands worked along with hers, revealing the rise of breasts, and a tender little waist - it was easy to forget, looking at her, that she was as fierce as she'd proven herself to be. Out of a combination of whimsy and haste, Sirius left her tie on as he slid the shirt from her shoulders. She was regally pale, and the sight of her fingers against the fastenings of his trousers was dizzingly arousing.

"Take your jumper off while you can," She instructed, smirking a little as she shrugged the shirt from her arms. She helped nudge his trousers down until they were halfway to his thigh, pulling his boxers along with it.

Unashamed of his naked body, he speedily shrugged out of his jumper and shirt. He was arsed if anyone happened to come downstairs, but anyone who'd known him five minutes knew that risks were about as much of a problem for him as nudity was. He lifted his arse to assist in the removal of his trousers, watching her every motion, one hand going to her hair.

Lily closed her eyes for a moment at the muted pleasure of his fingers in her hair. She opened her eyes after a moment, eyes dropping down to his cock, heavy and bobbing in waiting. Lily licked her lips again without realising it. She dropped down onto her elbow, her fingers wrapping around the base and rolling her lips over the head.

His head rolled back for a moment at the bone-melting rush of heat that travelled through his body, a low groan escaping his lips as the fingers in her hair flexed involuntarily. "_Fuck,_you're good." Sirius hadn't meant to sound surprised - he hadn't expected anything less, with a mouth like that. Still. He felt his vocabulary slowly dissolving as her lips wrapped around him.

She gave a low chuckle at his immediate reaction, her tongue moving up the underside as she bobbed her head low. As she pulled back she ran her tongue along the ridge, her lips rolling over the head for a moment before bobbing down again.

The chuckle vibrated beautifully around his cock, and Sirius couldn't help a low laugh of his own, his breath coming shorter as his pulse rose. It was almost hypnotic, watching her ... the motion of her tongue was especially good, and his other hand went to her hair, winding his fingers through the copper tresses. _So damned good ..._"hell, Red ..."

Lily hummed around his cock, her hand matching the pace of her mouth and twisting slightly as she pulled up. She sucked her cheeks hollow, picking up the pace and dragging her teeth lightly against the head. She looked up through her fringe at him, eyes full of dark amusement.

A small gasp escaped him when their eyes met his, his body surrendering completely to the motion of her nimble fingers, her enveloping mouth. He usually didn't make sounds like this, but he couldn't bloody help it, not when she was doing - "that, oh, bloody ... do that again. Fuck. _Fuck._"

She gave another low chuckle, hardly needing his encouragement. She kept this pattern on, feeling the ache of need between her legs again. She shifted against his legs.

It was too much and not enough at once ... while her mouth was wonderful - wet, hot, just the right amount of moisture - he craved the feeling of bodies together. The experience and feelings and sounds that never ever got old, no matter how many times it happened ... lifting her chin with his fingers, he looked her in the eyes. This was one of the few things he ever asked permission for. "Red ... d'you want to ..."

Lily pulled back, running her tongue across the top of his cock head. She gave him a small smile as she sat up, moving up his body until she was just above him.

"Yes ... oh, fuck yes ..." All pretense of coolness destroyed, his mind went blissfully blank in the wake of sheer sensation as his hands guided her onto him. His eyes fell shut for a moment, and when he opened them again, they were storm-dark through the stray strands of dark hair that had fallen across his face.

Lily kept her eyes locked on his face as she sunk down on his cock, biting her lower lip at the stretch. Once she felt her thighs brush against his pelvis she dropped her head back, rocking her hips back. She was rewarded with a delicious jolt of pleasure. Her hands came up onto his shoulders to help support herself as she rose up on her knees and sunk down yet again. "Ohh..."

His senses were a confusion of pleasure - the look on her face, the smell at the corner of her neck, the feeling of her skin under his fingers, all massing where their bodies met in a delicious riot of deliciously smooth tightness. If he'd had the words, he would've told her how amazing she felt, but all he could do was groan as he used his legs against the couch to meet her thrust.

Lily moaned as he met her first thrust, the previous jolt paling in comparison. She found a pace, leaning over him and pressing her forehead against his. She brushed her lips against his, each thrust pulling a soft moan out of her.

Sirius held Lily to him, arms going around her waist as he met her rhythm with nothing short of ecstasy. He wished that he could keep going like this all night - unlike most he knew, the final ripping moment of orgasm wasn't usually his goal. It was the process, the motion of it that addicted him. And Lily was unlike any girl he'd ever had before.

No shyness here, no shame, no hiding in the dark, no awkwardness. Nothing but boldness, grace, and fire. Sirius murmured obscenities and praises between the kisses, almost incoherent in his pleasure. This was nothing like their earlier frantic kisses. Lily closed her eyes at last to the sensation, riding the low waves of their pleasure. Every word he muttered against her lips gave her shivers, stoking the rising pressure deep in her belly. She pressed down on in his lap particularly sharply, grinding into him. She moaned, eyes opening to watch him.

A shout tore from him at the motion - not frantic or pained, but borne of the the sheer intensity of it all. When he met her eyes again, he could see that the green of them was reduced to a mere circlet around the blackness of her pupils. It was right then that he knew he wasn't going to hold out much longer. At all. He groaned, "Red, come with me ..."

Lily whimpered at his words, lips pressing against his in a fierce kiss. The building bliss suddenly intensified at his words, one hand pushing into his hair. She moaned into his mouth, riding him hard and fast. Oh god, oh _fuck,_ ohgodyesyes_yes-!_

Sirius had never come so hard in all his life. He clutched her to him, face buried in the crook of her neck to muffle another shout as he arched further, deeper into her. As he throbbed along his length, he felt the greedy tightening around it and the warm glow of satisfaction - they came together. If this wasn't heaven, Sirius didn't know what was.

Lily pressed her face into his chest, crying out as her second orgasm claimed her. She felt him throb in time with her, milking it for all it was worth until the energy at last drained dry. She relaxed her body against him at last, panting for breath and waiting for her heart rate to stabilize.

* * *

><p>As a ritual, Sirius spent the first good hour after getting home from work making coffee. It was a shit job and he knew it, made shittier just that day by Torvald banning cigarettes at the desks. Fags were just about the only thing hauling him through the day, so he was a bit crankier than usual as he bashed about the shabby flat.<p>

Water, coffee grounds, filter. Stove. He'd a meet-up with Remus at one of those awful beat clubs later on in the evening, and he'd need all the caffeine he could get. Tugging off his robes, he wandered around the kitchen in shabby jeans and a worn t-shirt, tucking his overlong hair behind his ears in search of a lighter.

_CRACK!_

Lily stumbled on the street, her heel breaking the moment she'd attempted a full step. Not that it wouldn't've been disastrous as it was, seeing as she was at least half-way drunk. Another twenty minutes and the Firewhiskey would be racing through her blood, leaving her completely incoherent. Yet even for all of the stumbling of the nearly-drunk, there was a blazing anger in her eyes. She kicked off the heel and hobbled the rest of the way up to the flat, pounding hard on the door. "Sher-Seeruz! Open th'door!"

Frowning behind his hair, and unable to recognize the voice, Sirius paused only to light the fag before sidling over to the door. Remus' voice was niggling in his ear, about all the new rules for opening doors to strangers, so he kept his hand on the doorknob as he called out in reply. "Who is it?"

Lily pounded on the door again a bit more forcefully. "Yer old FLAME! Naut tha' it means enniethin' tu you!"

"Lily?" Confounded, Sirius opened the door. Not once in school had he even seen her go near the punch at the post-game parties, let alone drink anything more than that discreet glass of champagne at the wedding. A wave of Firewhisky breath hit him like a wall. "Lil ... what're you doing? Where's James?"

Lily nearly fell through the door when he opened it, having been leaning on it only moments prior. Her arms moved out to keep herself from falling, colliding with his shoulders. She looked up into his face, confused at his question but only for a moment. She gave a disgusted look. "Y'mene hesn't here? Ha! Ha. S'no wundur now, why he wuz so angriee 'bout me wantin' yu out of thu hows. Yu..." She shoved him with her arms, though her usual strength was considerably weaker than normal.

The shove served to push him back a step or two, more out of surprise than anything else. After taking a moment to absorb the slurred speech, he took a few cautious steps towards the kitchen. "Listen, Lily, you'd better sit down. I'll get you a coffee, it's almost ready ..."

"Dun wantcher coffeh. Dun wantcher nothin'! Yu... whai, Sheriuz? How cud... how c-cud..." Lily stumbled farther past the threshold, her eyes filling with angry tears. "How cud yu lie tu me? 'Bout Jaems. 'Bout us. Yu... I ca-can't..." She gave a choked noise, sinking to the floor by the wall.

Sirius stopped in his tracks, approaching Lily as though she might explode at any moment. "Lie? What did I lie about?" A quick mental inventory revealed nothing as he kneeled down by her, confused and alarmed by her distress. "Sweetheart, you're drunk - try to calm down."

"You fucked him!" She said quite clearly, anger and betrayal and sadness all warring in her expression. She pushed herself away from him and into the wall. "You fucked us both! You... you..."

Any possibility of lying was killed as his expression crashed into horror. -She found out.- It made sense now, and though he knew she'd be nothing but angry if she'd ever learned the truth, he'd hoped that day would never come. Helplessly, he ran his hands through his hair, the dog tags around his neck clinking. "Lily, it was a schoolboy thing, long before you two, and nothing serious ..."

"Yu still fucked me aftur," She spat in answer, the slur in her voice coming back. "'N he... he... yu two... I knu et. Whai? Whai play wif my 'motins? The fuck, Sherriuz."

"Your emotions?" This was getting ridiculous. "We fucked once, Lil, and I seem to remember you telling me expressly that you didn't want any romantic involvement." Standing up with a huff, he strode off towards the kitchen. "You really need that coffee."

"I luved you!" Lily cried from the floor, pushing her face into her hands. "I... I... but it... an' yu... an' he... he... I wuz nuthin to noone..."

Sirius froze. Nearly a minute passed in relative silence, aside from the muffled sobbing, before he moved again. When he returned, it was with a mug of coffee, which he put by her on the floor before flopping on the couch with a stony expression. "You didn't love me." It wasn't a question. By all appearances, she'd outright hated him, even after they'd screwed. It was the Firewhisky talking. Had to be.

Lily continued to sob without answering him, too taken by her own grief that her husband had lied, that his friend – her friend – had lied to her. Had left her in the dark about something so serious as this. Her own drunken state didn't even make her feel guilt for her hypocracy; in her mind, it was James who had lied, James who had betrayed her. James and Sirius both, because both of them had told her lies to her face. She flung her hand at the coffee mug, knocking the cup brutally and sending coffee splattering on the floor. Lily hugged her face into her knees, rocking herself out of habit. "I din' tell yu cuz I kneu. Kneu yu'd laff. Call me uh liarr. Say I wuz... but dozet matur now? I'm goin' back wif Cas. She'll... she'll unnerstahn. I dun... wanter be wif anywon whu doessnt want me aneemor."

He really hated it when girls cried. Ignoring the spilled coffee, he returned to the floor, sitting in front of her indian-style with a lost sort of look. His voice was quiet when he spoke. "This isn't the end of the world, you know. It was ... fuck, it was ages ago, Lily, and I'm willing to bet my left leg that James still loves you. He didn't lie, I'm just a stupid ex - not even that. We were horny boys, and we hardly knew what we were doing. As to you ... loving me ..." he trailed off, not sure what to say.

Lily continued to rock herself, hardly registering a word he said. She choked on her own tears, coughed until her throat cleared, then pressed her palms into her eyes until she saw white. Lily pushed her fingers back into her hair, pulling so hard that a few of the fiery-red strands came loose and wrapped around her fingers. She looked up at him with bloodshot eyes. "He... he nevur... he nevur knue Bairon. Or Yeetz. Or tha I lieked tulipz. He thaugt I lieked daisiez."

"Oh, sweetheart ..." The look in her eyes was killing him, or at least his defenses. Cautiously, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him in a bear hug. He could smell the odd mixture of tears, Firewhisky, and perfume on her ... along with that undefinable Lily-scent that he used to love breathing in, nose resting on the crook of her neck during their stolen time between classes.

"I didn't wanter tell him, nethur," She hiccuped into his hair, her arms snaking around his and hugging him just as tightly despite herself. Lily twisted her fingers in his shirt, trying to calm herself.

"Never forgot that your favourite colour is green." Relieved that he wasn't being swatted away, Sirius permitted himself to hold her tighter. Though he couldn't understand the source as keenly, he knew the type of pain she was in - never the sort of thing to suffer alone, even if not suffering alone meant being around the one responsible. "It's alright, sweetheart. It's alright."

Lily dissolved back into little sobs again, clinging to him as he rocked her. Part of her, somewhere far back in her mind, wondered why she let the idea of Sirius and James being "together" like that hurt her so much. And which part of "Sirius and James" made her more upset. She'd known for years that James had been infatuated with her, but he'd never sparked that... ache in her, the way Sirius had. When James and her had finally come together, it wasn't anything like she'd figured it would be. There weren't fireworks. They fit together like a puzzle, and that was it. Sirius had been nothing but passion and fumbling and words-behind-touches and things that were too big for her to understand and yet she got them. She got him. She wanted him even though she knew she shouldn't, and even later after she'd got James, Lily still found her eyes lingering on Sirius when she thought he wasn't looking. Wishing...

But what would wishing do? Nothing. She'd lost her chance. She was married, and he was gone, and there wasn't anything she could do to get that back. But James loved Sirius like he loved her, and it was obvious sometimes, when she saw them together. And it left her envious. The jealousy burned so violently when she'd found out that James and Sirius had been together. Not once, but too many times to count. And it made her hate James. Because she hadn't had that chance. She'd put Sirius aside for James, while James had been content to chase after her and tumble with his "best friend" while he waited. Had made her miserable being with her other boyfriends, while he had been "impure". The sniffling slowly dissolved, and the rocking came to a halt, but Lily didn't let go of Sirius' shoulders.

He'd continued murmuring comforts to her, for all the good it'd do - he honestly wouldn't blame her if she'd hit him, but it seemed the time for that was past. Gently, very gently, he shifted in the embrace to pick her up. She was easy to lift, all long legs and far tinier in his arms than she looked, and he carried her with ease to the couch, mind spinning all the way.

Love. Even drunk, nobody'd used that word with him before. He knew love, to be sure ... love he'd had for his friends, and even for James, but not the big sort of consuming love that people write about. The idea that someone had felt even something like that for him was ... boggling.

Lily slid her arms around his neck when he picked her up, pressing her face into his chest and breathing deeply through her nose. The alcohol was kicking in full blast now, her thoughts melting together like crayons on a windowsill in the sun. It was much easier to focus on sensation than thought, like the feel of his arms around her body, and the way he smelled, and the heat from his body surrounding hers. She mumbled an incoherent happy noise, moving her lips up to his collar bone.

The touch of her lips on his skin sent a shock of heat through him, and he shut his eyes tightly as he set her down, willing himself to back away. It was such a bad idea ... such a good feeling, but such a bad, bad idea ... "I'll just ... get you another mug, then." He felt unaccountably hoarse.

Lily didn't let go of him when he set her down, her head moving up to look at him. "Noo... don't... don't leev. Plees."

"I've got to." He didn't leave. "I've really got to." He still didn't leave. She was giving him bedroom eyes, dammit-all, and now of all times his brain chose to point out that her skirt was hiking up on her legs, and her mouth looked especially good ... he sat on the edge of the couch with his arms still around her waist, looking down at her through the curtain of hair.

"Stay wif-with me," She forced herself to say more clearly. "Stay with me, Sh-Sirius." She leaned up towards him, pressing her face into his neck, lips moving along the skin. "I wantchu to. You want to, too. I knoooow you do."

_Fuck me, she's giving me goosebumps._"Lily ..." what started as a protestation ended in a groan as she reached the patch of skin on his neck just below his ear ... it was his weakness, and the thoughts of the ring on her finger and James were disappearing with alarming rapidity.

"Always luved it when yu begged," She purred into his neck, grazing her teeth against the spot, one hand moving down his body and directly to his groin without shame. She bit his ear, flicking her tongue against the lobe.

"You're making this difficult ..." A shiver passed through him, and he shut his eyes tightly at the bite - it all felt so wonderful, and it can't be so terrible if she wants it so badly, and her neck was so close to his mouth ... with a muttered curse, he bit back, teeth grazing the tender skin as he caught the taste of her on his tongue.

Lily gave a throaty gasp, palming the seat of his pants and pressing herself into him. Her skin felt like it was suddenly burning everywhere his mouth moved, but she knew she would die without it. "Shu'up 'n kiss me."

Far too responsive to her touch, it felt like years - though in reality, it'd been something closer to months - since the last time he'd been with anyone. With the sensation of surrender, he kissed her with a deep groan, savoring the way her mouth moved with his. She'd always been the best kisser ...

Lily moved the hand around his neck up into his hair, tangling in the strands as she deepened the kiss. She maneuvered herself between his legs, pulling him above her and slipping her leg behind his calf to hold him against her. The hand that previously had been stroking him through his trousers moved to his arse, then up under his shirt, nails dragging along the old memorised paths on his back.

Sirius had always been a whore for scratching, and he felt his spine cheerfully dissolve into shivers as hot little fingers combined with the sharpness of her nails drew another hoarse moan into her throat. His own fingers found the hem of her shirt and slid under, grasping her fervently. Too much cloth between them ... he arched his back, breaking away to look down at her with darkened eyes.

Lily looked up at him through half-lidded eyes, her lips parted and slightly bruised from the force of their sudden and intense kissing. Her own thoughts had been fighting the urge to simply rip the shirt off of him, but when he'd stopped to look at her the way he was she found herself paralised by his eyes. God, if he wasn't one of the most gorgeous boys on the planet. "Take et off," she murmured, her fingertips rolling down the bumps of his spine.

"Same to you." He grinned briefly, widely, then tugged his t-shirt off over his head. His hair reached his shoulders now, and her schoolgirl sharpness had softened beautifully in the last few years, but other than that, it could've been yesterday that they'd last fucked. He got the same dizzying rush from her, a combination of the way she smelled and the sheer forbidden-ness of her, and he couldn't take his eyes off of her as he slipped her shoes off one after the other.

Lily tossed the remains of her left heel across the floor, her fingers fumbling over her own blouse in the haze of her drunkenness. It wasn't until she realised that once she was sober she could easily cast a sewing charm on the damned buttons that she lost her patience, ripping the blouse open. The skirt didn't put up as much of a challenge, but she had a hard time unzipping it as it was on the side and not the front or back, which completely threw her off. She was in nothing but her underthings now, pale pink against the milk-white of her skin and sticking tightly to her form.

Her eyes slid over his form appreciatively all the time that she was undressing, proving a distraction indeed. It wasn't fair that she'd caught him in a shirt and short trousers, even if it was good that she could watch him being nearly-naked all the while that she undressed. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, you know." And it wasn't a lie - since leaving school, he since leaving school, the world of sex had opened up to him as never before, and even still, comparisons to Lily had haunted him over the years. He'd never kept a flame for very long, and now, as he slipped off his final piece of clothing and sat naked before her, he was relatively sure why. Seeing her like this - uninhibited, ferocious - was better than being drunk. He leaned down, pulling back on the couch to kiss a line from between her breasts down the conclavity of her stomach, eyes on her all the while, hands straying on her perfect thighs.

Lily gave a distinct shiver at the sensation of his mouth and hands on her, coupled with him keeping eye contact the entire time. The expectation was screaming through her veins now, making the flush in her face travel down her neck and chest. She didn't dare break his gaze, and it took all her dwindling self-control to keep from whimpering in her need.

A fantasy of his that had followed him even out of school was the thought of tasting her ... something he'd never gotten to do, in their rushed encounters. It was a divine sort of indulgence, to him - there was little he enjoyed better than making a woman come, and he had since learned to do it with his mouth ... her knickers slid off easily, the sight of her sending thrills of arousal through him, and the corner of his mouth rose in a smile before he lowered his head between her legs.

Her hands moved down to his shoulders within a matter of moments, holding on with a needy grip as her eyes finally closed. She pressed her head back into the armrest, her breathing unsteady. She'd only experienced this a handful of times, most of them short-lived and unsatisfying in the end, but she knew without even thinking that this time it would be different. Sirius always knew these things. One hand found the jet black strands of his hair brushing against her thigh, her fingers shifting through it until she blindly found his scalp. "Oh... oh god... like that, yessss..."

Honey. Fuck, she tasted exactly like honey, and the mere act of touching her his way, tasting her, made him almost painfully hard. He traced the outline of her with the tip of his tongue formed to a point, eyes shut blissfully. The sounds she made were indeed half the fun, and he licked her almost lazily, savouring her.

Lily moaned thickly, arching upward against his mouth. By God, he was just torturing her now. Every little movement was slowly driving her into madness, but even worse than that was his avoidance of the crest of her pleasure. _God, just do it, just do it, doitdoitdoitdoit, make me come, justmoveupgodupthereplease._"Fuck... oh god, yeah," she whimpered, her fingers tightening in his hair.

Her desperation stirred amusement deep in his chest, a short chuckle escaping him as his tongue dashed briefly against her clit before circling down again, only to flick briefly once more, in an ever-narrowing pattern. Her skin radiated heat and the smell of arousal, and on impulse, Sirius slipped one finger into her, just to feel the glorious tightness again. So fucking amazing, every inch of her ...

"Ohgod!" she cried hoarsely, nearly arching right off the sofa. The growing pressure in her belly jumped at least three notches, sending her inches from the brink. She was nearly delirious now, unable to form words, though her moan held a note of begging in it. _-_

As though the need to come was his own, Sirius indulged the needy motion of her hips, closing his lips on the tight little knot and swirling his tongue. A flush had risen in his face, and it was all he could do to keep from stroking himself. The more aroused she became, the better she tasted.

Lily let out a high-pitched gasp as the sensation finally seized her, her mouth still frozen around the sound though nothing else came out. Her body moved spasmodically under him, and she somehow pried her fingers away from his scalp before pulling out a handful of his hair in her abandon. When the final waves of orgasm faded she collapsed, panting.

"Fuck, I love you." Swept up in the wave of desire as he withdrew from her, the words left Sirius' mouth without a single thought - she was just so lovely, perfect in her pleasure, and she had come back to him ... one of the only ones to ever come back to him. His eyes widened once he realized what he'd said, and he watched her cautiously, his breathing coming heavily.

Lily opened her eyes, looking up at him as he leaned over her. The long tendrils of his hair were brushing against her skin, giving her little tickles. The words registered at least a minute after they were said, and the hunger in her eyes only doubled at the sound. He loved her. He wanted her, even still, after everything, he wanted her. She leaned up to meet him, claiming his mouth ferociously, tasting the remnants of herself in his mouth and giving a low moan. Her hands moved to his hips, pulling him between her knees, fumbling to lead him properly.

_I love you, I love you,_his brain chanted as he pushed into her, swearing and groaning at the familiar yet brain-melting sensation of her muscles pulling and closing around him. He wasted no time - he'd wanted this for years without even knowing it, no going slow now. Each thrust was heaven, and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her as close as he possibly could.

Lily pressed her face into his neck, one leg moving up to crook over the top of the sofa. The other moved to the floor, and the results of her readjustment lead to a deeper thrust, making her moan with every exhale. She arched her hips up to meet every thrust, her own arms moving around his shoulders to stable herself.

Oh god, it was incredible ... he felt as though he'd never gone this deep inside a woman before, and the dizzying combination of the thrusting, the groaning, the taste and scent of sweat, nearly made him come right then. Longing for more, though, he held back, pushing deeply, but slowly, freeing one hand to touch her jaw and guide her into a long kiss.

Every time he pulled back she wanted to beg him not to, to stay in her, and it wasn't until he'd thrust into her again and the long, drawn stretch of him entering her sent her spiraling into bliss that she remembered, only to forget a moment later as the pattern continued on. She barely registered him moving back, but his hand brought her attention back to his face just in time for her to meet his lips. She whimpered into his mouth as he continued on in his slow pace, caught between the want for him to go faster and the delicious sensation of the deep, slow strokes. Her fingers found their way into his hair again, fingers moving deep in his scalp in a motion too familiar to be associated with his body, though her mind didn't register the thoughts that should've came with them.

The excitement of going down on her was taking its toll a minute or so after - gasping against her lips, he murmured, "Red ... 'm close ..." so close, in fact, that he felt unashamed at being unable to give her a forty-minute or hour-long session. It was just so incredible, all of it, and he increased the pace slowly, fighting for the last shreds of control in his body.

Lily felt her face flush a shade darker at the old name, a swell of love itching in her chest at the foggy memories of their last lovemaking. This outdid it without question, and the it didn't even matter that it was so short-lived. She was ready for it, needed it, wanted it. She moved the leg on the floor up to hook behind his knee, grinding her hips up into his next thrust. "Yesyesyes, keep on, faster, harder, _loveyoufuckyesmoredon'tstop._"

"Fuck, Red ... love you ... oh, fuck, you're going to make me ..." Sirius' back arched as the full force of his orgasm hit him, and he thrust fast and hard to ride it out - he could swear, in the remote part of his mind that hadn't been swept clean, that he felt her getting even tighter as he pulsed in her, sharp sounds of pleasure ripping from him.

Lily felt her body giving into the rising orgasm again as he suddenly drove much faster into her, her fingers gripping his shoulder and his hair as she begged for it to claim her. She felt the swell of his cock as he came, so hot and fast and rigid and her head dropped back as it triggered her own. "Sirius-! _Oh-!_"

As their orgasms passed, Sirius relaxed bonelessly onto Lily, just barely supporting himself with his arms as he remained in her for just a little while longer. With every exhale, he murmured, "I love you ..." He couldn't stop saying it. It was as though it'd been stoppered up in him all this time, though he'd done his best to keep her from his mind ever since their awkward and mutual agreement. He couldn't force his mind to think of James, marriage, any of it ... all he knew was the woman in his arms as he kissed her neck slowly, eyes shut.

Lily moved the hand in his hair down to rest on his neck, her body weak and hot and sweaty from their act. She could feel the exhaustion moving to the front of her mind, swallowing her up despite her struggle against it. She pressed her forehead into his neck, brows furrowing as she tried to fight the sleep. _Stay awake, stay with him. Stay... stay awake..._

Sleep claimed him gently, almost imperceptibly, and even then, he could still sense her at the periphery of his mind - a pair of warm arms around him, the sweet scent beneath him, luxuries he'd resigned himself to never having. He breathed deeply and gently, still holding her close.

* * *

><p>It wasn't until the bright sunlight piercing through the high windows found them that Lily slowly started the very painful act of waking from a booze-and-sex induced sleep. Her body felt stiff from sleeping on a sofa and the weight of an unconscious body, pain bringing her alertness to a sharp, uncomfortable point. She buried her face harder into the hot, sticky neck of the person above her to avoid the light. Had she and James passed out on the sofa after the Whiskey finished them off? Why am I naked? "Oy, geroff, you're heavier than death," she said thickly.<p>

"Plrgl." Sirius grunted something unintelligible, and rolled off of the couch with a thud and a yelp. Everything was blurry, but he was relatively sure that he'd not been dreaming the other night ... shaking his hair out of his eyes, he looked at Lily cautiously. Without the benefit of intoxication, she might feel a bit differently about their encounter than she had before ... suddenly, he was very conscious of how naked they both were.

The voice only seemed somewhat similar, but that part of Lily's mind still wasn't quite alert enough yet. She sucked a grateful breath at the sudden loss of weight on her frame, turning her face into the sofa. "We are not allowed to fuck when I'm drunk ever again, James. Ever. I can't move..." she muffled into the cushion.

He froze. James. She didn't even fucking ... remember. Pulling his knees to his chest, he was torn between just apparating the hell out of there, possibly to some heavily guarded fortress, and telling her the truth. As it was, the sleep-rusty "erm ..." that escaped him decided for him, and he winced in preparation for the blow.

Lily felt her body go rigid at the noise, this time fully aware of the timber and pitch and quality of such a small utterance. Oh god. The memories of the previous night, murky with alcohol but not so fuzzy that she couldn't remember, started shifting to the front of her mind. Oh god, I didn't... ("I love you.") Her eyes snapped open against the cushion, throat going dry as a desert. Oh god... She forced herself to turn, to look. The pain in her body was enough conviction to awareness; this was not a dream. And she was very well aware of her nakedness, and his nakedness, and also of the very faint twinge between her legs that was not at all painful but was very, very wrong to have. She swallowed harshly. "S-" her voice cracked, "Sirius?"

"That's me." Hell, he was practically squeaking. Rising self-consciously, he padded to the bedroom and returned with a towel around his waist and an overlarge tee-shirt for her. He handed it to her, still eyeing her as though she was about to go at his throat.

Lily took it out of habit alone, though she continued to hold it rather than put it on. She attempted to sit up, only to feel the world suddenly collide very loudly with her head. She winced terribly. "Ow..."

Good. She was incapacitated. Then again, maybe not so good ... without being asked, Sirius went to the kitchen for a glass of water. "That's got to hurt," he said, taking care to be quiet as he sat down on the couch next to her, holding out the glass.

Lily took the glass when he offered it, the coolness of it a stark contrast with her own body heat. It was both delicious and painful to experience so early, and she raised the glass to her lips to drink it. The content was gone in almost three gulps. "Urghnrgn."

Gently, very gently, he took the glass from her and pressed the cool surface against her forehead just above her eyes. "I don't know how much you had last night, but it must've been pretty savage. Didn't know you could hold your drink, let alone that you preferred Firewhisky." He wasn't sure it was wise to try to make light of the situation - i.e. he'd just slept with his best friend's wife - but he could always hope it wouldn't do any further harm.

Lily closed her eyes, letting out a low sound of appreciation at the gesture. Her head turned slightly towards him as he spoke but she didn't open her eyes until he'd cracked the joke, giving a soft breath of a laugh and finally opening her eyes. She was still clutching the shirt limply in her hands, while he sat next to her in a towel. She blinked, her voice creaky when she spoke. "He brought it. Goaded me into drinking it. I think... I... don't know what I think. I don't think it was... intentional... what happened. But I..."

"Wait, James bought it for you? After you found out?" Seeing her laugh was a relief, as well as incredibly distractingly hot. Trying not to think about that at the moment, he continued on his train of thought. "How did you find out, anyway? Or is it too early in the morning to grill you about that?"

"No, we... he said it by accident. He bought it for the last win at the game. We were talking about... I can't remember what it was, something about the last mission, and he said something about how he..." she looked down into her lap at the tee-shirt. It was an AC/DC shirt. She tried not to laugh a little at just the sight of it. "He was so glad he... got to be with you, when he had, while he had, as if I wasn't... even there."

"Oh, Lil." Sirius took the glass away and hesitantly put an arm around her shoulders, leaning over and planting a kiss on her forehead. "That had to have been hard to hear, but you have to understand ... it was so, so long ago."

Lily wanted to flinch out of his embrace, but it felt so good, the attention. Memories from the night before flashed briefly before her eyes, her eyelids dropping closed impulsively to relive them. "He said he'd always loved me. From the moment he saw me, he loved me, he wanted to be with me, but then he... he did that with you? Was with you that way? How is that... how can you say one thing and then do another? How is that..."

He replied softly. "It wasn't love." Sirius had come to terms with this years since, though it'd been hard at a time when he'd been so passionate, so easily attached. "He was always head-over-heels for you. For us, it was just ... relieving tension. We hadn't a title, never went on a date, nothing like that. It was just wanking, with another person, to put it bluntly. Merlin knows I love James as a friend, but we weren't lovers, dear." Against his will, his mind flashed to the slurred words of love exchanged the night before ... drunken affection, or reality?

"I think he did. You didn't see how he was looking off, like I did. You weren't there. I've never... he's never looked that way around me. Something different, yes but not that. And I..." Her shoulders dropped. "I was jealous."

Sirius gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze. "Please believe that he loves you. If he has half a lick of sense, he really really does." He wasn't even sure if he was talking about James anymore, but he soldiered on. "I know it sounds lame, but what you saw couldn't have been anything but simple reminiscence. Don't ..." but he couldn't tell her not to give up. Something selfish in him twisted, and silenced him.

Her eyes opened at last, looking at him with a mixture of pain and longing. "I was jealous because I had wanted you both, but I didn't allow myself that. I told myself it wasn't fair, to string you both along, to make you both feel like I was the only one. So I chose him, because he worked so hard for it, tried to change for me. Even if he couldn't in the end, it was the thought that mattered most. But to hear from his own lips that while he and I slept together, he'd gone to be with you afterwards. It..." She shook her head. "I had always wanted you, Sirius. Always."

This was just too dizzying. "Why?" It wasn't precisely what he'd wanted to say, but he couldn't quite digest the idea that both she and James had wanted him in silence for so long ... he looked at her with furrowed brows, confused.

"Because you loved me on accident," she replied with a faint smile, reaching up to touch his face. She ran her thumb across his cheek. "James loved me without cause, without reason. He hardly knew me, knew who I was. I used to think the only reason he wanted me was because I was pretty. Not because I was smart, or funny, or loving, or any of the things you said to me, with words or with your body. You really saw me."

There was a long pause, and the look in Sirius' eyes softened. "And now I've no idea what to say ..." he chuckled low, unable to take his gaze off of her. In the morning light, and with those words coming from her mouth, she was Lily magnified. "... except that I adore you. Maybe I've not always, but I always will."

Lily moved to tuck her head against his neck, leaning against his body. He felt hot against her skin, but not uncomfortably so. Her arms slid loosely around him. "I'm a terrible person."

"Aren't. I don't love terrible people." Her head felt as though it'd been made to fit just there on his shoulder, and he couldn't stop the warm wave of contentment that ran through him, despite the situation they were in.

"It's hypocritical of me, to hate him so. I've never told him what we did. But we weren't together when we did that, him and I. It isn't the same. He doesn't need to know, just like I don't want to know all of the girls he was with before me." She brushed her lips against his neck. Her eyes had fallen on her wedding ring and lingered for a moment before she closed her eyes. She didn't want to think about it. "And now we... but I..."

"I know. What now." It wasn't a question, more a statement of fact. What options were left to them? Infidelity or not, Lily was still married, still had a home. And on the other hand, Sirius still loved her. And she loved him. Did she love the both of them? "If you needed to ... I mean, if you wanted to stay a bit, I'd really ... but if you have to ..." They were both stumbling through their sentences now, and Sirius chuckled again, pressing his lips to her temple.

Her grip around his waist tightened. "He probably doesn't even remember having bought the whiskey by now, let alone remember having shared it with me and said anything. He'll wake up and wonder where I am, but I can come up with a story. I don't want to leave."

"I don't want you to leave, either. You do realize this is about the best thing that's happened to me in ... well, years?" He squeezed her lightly in return, breathing in sleepy Lily smell. It was just as good, if not better, than regular Lily smell. He'd like to smell that smell often.

Lily felt her eyebrows knit slowly together, a hundred different words churning in her head. She didn't want to leave, but what would they do now? Where did the previous night's revelations leave them? She loved James, but she loved Sirius as well, and having back that small part of her that she'd left with him made her feel more complete than she'd felt in months. The idea of giving that up was unbearable. What a mess I've put myself in.

Sirius let the silence go a while longer, then squeezed her shoulder briefly and sat up. "I say we ponder things over breakfast. How d'you like your eggs?" He felt irrationally cheerful. Sure, things had pretty much gone completely to pot, but he felt fine, even happy. Guess that's what feeling loved is like, he thought. 'S nice.

Lily slid the shirt on at last, slipping her hands beneath her hair to pull it out from beneath the neck opening. His shirt smelled like detergent and him. Mostly him. She had a very strong urge to keep the shirt. But if he... Lily closed her eyes tight for a moment to force the thought out, then reopened them and looked up at him. "Poached. You can cook? Why am I suddenly afraid for my health."

"Poached it is. And yes, I spent enough evenings in the kitchens to pick something up. Had this weird sort of friendship with the house-elves when I was small, always loved kitchens anyway, so why not be good at it?" Tucking the towel in, he sashayed off into the kitchen, humming an Aerosmith tune. It was the cleanest room in the place, and he went about the business of cooking with relish.

Lily smiled at his good mood, staying on the sofa for only a few moments to wrestle her thoughts into a headlock before finally standing. She could hear the ends of the song he was humming and tried not to laugh again. That was one thing she'd found she and Sirius had an uncanny similar interest in, other than poetry. That he liked muggle music that she owned and had even had the chance to see in concert made her grin.

The kitchen was clean. Almost unnaturally clean for Sirius, which was a pleasant surprise. She suddenly had vivid visuals of him cooking for her after coming home from work, and the conflict twisted in her stomach. Stop it, she chided herself, sitting at the little table. The towel hung dangerously low on one hip, and she found herself mesmerized with the shape of it as he busied himself cooking.

"Tell me what you're thinking." It wasn't a request. There was something ... lightening about having no secrets between the two of them, though they might become a secret themselves. He was deft with the eggs, handling them delicately and certainly, adding dashes of extra ingredients here and there where he felt like it, and following her gaze to his hip. He smirked, and let the towel stay where it was.

Lily licked her lips subconsciously, eyes still focused on his hip when she spoke. "A couple hundred things. I'm thinking, fuck your hips are gorgeous. I'm also thinking it's nice for someone to cook for me for a change, as I think I can count about three times since I've started wearing this-" she wiggled the fingers of her ringed hand, but kept from saying the words aloud, "I'm thinking, what am I going to do, because I love you, and I love him, and I don't know if I can have you both. I'm thinking I'm selfish for wanting you both. I'm thinking maybe he wouldn't mind it if I casually hinted inviting you in, but then again..." She looked up at his face at last, smiling faintly. "I like you to myself. I'm also thinking those eggs smell great, what else are you going to make?"

His smile was almost shy as he returned it. "I've some fruit in the cooler that I'm planning on slicing up in wonderfully creative ways. Do you like kiwis? And I'm making some cafe l'orange, if that's your thing. I can't wait to learn what your favourite foods are, never got to ask that one way back when. And ..." taking a breath, he suppressed his ego, bypassing the comments about his hip to reply to the others. "Invite me in? You think he might ... I mean, how would you feel about it? You got so angry last night ..."

"I do like kiwis. And coffee sounds like heaven. And I don't know," the smile drooped a bit. "I... he'd be surprised, if I asked. And I know you and he... but if I was there, between you," her face flushed a little at the thought alone, and she shifted in her seat, crossing her ankles. "I don't know... how I'd feel..."

"If you ... I know you're not one really prone to secrets, Lil, but if you think it'd be better if this one were kept - I could." Sirius avoided her eyes this time, taking the eggs off of the heat and rummaging for plates to put them on. The thoughts were racing in his head. He'd always wondered ... where things would go with James if fate had allowed it. He'd always wondered that with Lily, too, and look where they were.

Lily stood, moving up behind him and slipping her arms around his waist. She pressed against his back, resting her check against his skin. "Maybe," she said in a quiet voice. "I'd... I'd like it. Having this... having you... without anyone knowing."

He shut his eyes with a quiet sigh, and a small smile as his hands stilled. Lily's cheek was cool against the heat of his back, and the sensation of her arms around his waist was inexplicably comforting. Here's my someone to cook breakfast for, he thought as he replied gently. "I'm not going to lie and say it's easy keeping something like this from James." There it was, he'd said it. Turning his head a degree or two, he continued. "I'm counting on you to help decide where we go from here."

Already, he was making plans. Stupid of him, he was sure, but the novelty of making eggs for someone, especially a Lily someone, was enough to make the ideas start sprouting. He could take her to his favourite spots around the country, see what she was like as a happy drunk, spend hours and hours laying in bed, and - of course - desecrate every inch of the flat.

She watched the angle of his face from her place on his back, the awkward angle giving her neck a crick that she refused to alter for. Hearing James' name brought an over-bright realisation of what at happened - what was going to happen, if they stayed on this path. She closed her eyes, fighting for a neutral face. The truth of the matter was that she did love James, definitely enough to marry him. They'd only been married for a few months now. Was she ready to throw that all out the door for this man? Her eyes opened again, pulling her face back enough to look at him. That same surge of emotion from earlier twisted in her gut. I would. I would. But- "How would we? I mean... no. How would we?" It was obvious that she was nervous. Nevertheless, the thrill was unbearable.

We. There'd always been a part of Sirius that longed to be a 'we,' an 'us.' Beyond even 'what will we do today,' there was something heavy in the air between them that put an entirely new and chest-warming spin to the word. Sirius put the plates down and turned in Lily's arms, wrapping his own around her in a way that felt practiced already. The top of her head reached his nose - perfect height for forehead-kissing. The words came out without him having to think them through. "I like this. I love this - I love you. How would we? You do realize I'd do just about anything for you, right?"

Lily's eyes closed the moment his lips pressed against her head. She was used to "being short", but for perhaps the first time in a long time, it didn't even matter. She made a small noise in her throat, partly out of appreciation of his affection but mostly because of the words, which made her heart flutter in her chest. She looked up into his face, love and adoration painted in her eyes. She wanted so badly to say something, but words refused to come to her.

"You just say the word, and I'm yours." And he meant it - probably more than he'd meant anything in his life. Just saying it made him feel better, stronger, taller even, as his fingers traced a line down the middle of her back. The expression on her face was enough to swell and break his heart all at once, and it was difficult to follow his statement with what he knew had to be said: "But ... I want you to think about it. Long and hard, understand?" His voice was rusty and warm as he looked back at her.

Lily nodded in answer, not trusting her voice for fear of crying the moment she opened her mouth. She reached up and touched his cheek, cradling the shape of it against her palm and running her thumb over the morning stubble he'd yet to shave off. She gave a soft, choked off laugh. And he'd keep it all day just to hear me gripe if he kissed me and hadn't shaved it off yet. "I will," she answered in a similar voice. "After eggs, though. Can't apparate on an empty stomach."

Sirius cracked a grin at that, reaching up to touch the small hand that followed the line of his face. It was good to hear her laugh, even with such emotion - and he felt the beginnings of a stomach growl himself. "Just one request on my part. Stay in the t-shirt, you just look so fetching ..."

This brought a more fulfilling laugh. "I have to take it off before I go. Or is that why you want me to keep it on; because you want to see me naked?"

"Can't help that you look bloody amazing in anything or nothing. Especially nothing." He let go of her reluctantly, but comforted himself with a light pinch to her arse before turning back to the stove, adjusting his towel and serving up the eggs into the waiting plates. The kiwis were rapidly skinned and sliced, and some blueberries were miraculously found in the back of the refrigerator. Sirius kept shooting little glances at Lily, a part of him still unable to believe what they'd just agreed to.

Lily let out an indignant little noise at his handling, not because she was bothered by it so much as she knew he'd grin simply from her playing along. She sat and crossed her ankles under the table, forcing herself to eat. She was hungry, but him looking at her the way he was was very distracting. She found herself grinning so much she could barely chew and swallow, a steady blush rising in her cheeks. It was like being back in school again and sneaking snogs between classes. Except this is so much more than that... she reminded herself, looking bashfully down into the eggs.

"Are they alright?" He nearly laughed at himself, hearing his own tone - he sounded like she was the judge of the regional egg-preparing competition. His nerves were jangling all over the place, but from excitement rather than dread. Some part of him understood that there would be no easy decision in this, but for now it with him and his Lily. And their eggs.

"These are quite possibly better than my eggs. And I make the best eggs this side of the Isles, so cheers to you," she said with a playful grin, saluting him with her fork. "Might I have some water?"

Sirius winked. "Towel boy to the rescue."

* * *

><p>It was fucking hot, and Sirius was asleep. He would usually cope with heat waves in this manner - strip down to shorts and go to sleep with a wet cloth on his eyes. It'd been a devil of a day, and Sirius had spent it in a hot office, so even though the small flat had begun to cool by the time he'd arrived home, he'd not the energy for the customary coffee. His shirt, trousers, and robes lay in a pile in the living room where he'd Apparated, and he lay sprawled across his queen bed, breathing deeply.<p>

It was like living a double life, one would say. Lily would go to work, then leave and do one of two things. Go spend the day with her husband, or "work overtime". By overtime she meant going to Sirius' and coming home late. James didn't ask questions, though there were a few times where his brows would knit together as they met at the door. One time he asked her if she'd spent the day with Sirius. It was so sudden she was nearly startled into confession, but upon asking why he would think of something so silly as that he commented with "you smell a bit like the soap he used to always get". Lily had made sure to shower with her own soaps every time she left Sirius' house from then on. Things seemed, for the most part, wonderfully good. She was happier now more than ever, something James didn't seem to mind. If he had known that the reason she was smiling so much was because of his "best friend", maybe he would mind.

As it were, his quidditch team had had another victory, which meant another bottle of whiskey. This time Lily firmly did not drink, which had been a good choice overall. Something had been bothering James that day, and it resulted in a lot of angry, drunken accusing that didn't make much sense at all. She'd tried very calmly to change topic, to try and convince him to take a sobering draught. He'd slapped it out of her hand and then... he'd hit her.

It was the first time he'd ever hit her. His eyes had gone wide the moment he'd realised what he'd done, his mouth open as he sucked air. Lily could taste blood on her lip from the split, her eyes slowly welling up with angry tears. He'd just been about to speak when she'd apparated, arriving just outside the door of the first place that had popped into her head. She was surprised she hadn't lost her nose or eyebrows in the sudden apparation, and it was on that absurd thought that she'd finally sunk to the ground and started crying.

Always a light sleeper, the crack of Apparition woke Sirius in an instant, and he sat up quickly with a muffled curse as the cloth slipped slowly from his head. Bleariness set in after a moment, and he staggered out from his room, throwing on a dark blue dressing-gown and opening the door with little to no thought to the regulations.

He reacted swiftly. The smell of blood and tears, and the sight of red where red shouldn't be electrified him, and he was down on the floor in an instant, trying to meet her eyes as one arm went protectively around her shoulders. His voice was urgent and quiet. "Lily, what happened? Christ ..." Sirius took in the damage with increasing alarm. "Who did this to you?"

Lily startled at the door opening, nearly falling through it as she had been leaning her head against it at the time. She barely had time to react before he'd met her on the ground and hugged her. If anything it made her only cry harder. Did she really look terrible? Had he hit her that hard? She could taste the blood from her lip, but she hadn't had time to look at herself. "J-J-Ja-James..."

It was as though the world had suddenly gone deathly silent. He swore he could almost hear an echo. "James," he said, voice dangerously soft. He didn't let go of her, but his hands stilled. It was hard to believe, but a terrible little part of him had seen the violent potential in him, during those rare times when he'd been quick to anger. Lily wouldn't lie to him. "James," he repeated, teeth clenching together.

Lily choked on her own tears, pressing her face into his shoulder for a moment. _Breathe breathe safe I'm safe s'okay..._she barely registered the change in Sirius, her one concern at this point being not to hyperventilate.

Sirius had heard and read the line many a time in his career as a Muggle movie enthusiast, but all of that faded from memory as he said it - "I'll kill him." His hands tightened slightly on Lily's shoulders. "I'll bloody well kill him, he had no fucking excuse ..."

Lily pulled back, the pressure on her shoulders bringing her back to the present. "He was d-drunk. He didn't m-mean-"

"Does he know you're here?" He forced himself, with effort, to come back to the issue at hand. With infinite care, he helped Lily to her feet, helping her into the flat with one arm around her waist. The sight of the blood on her lip nearly made him ill - he'd never been good with blood in the first place, and seeing it on someone he loved so much, at the fault of someone he'd once been so close to ...

"No. He... I..." Her knees felt incredibly weak. It was like apparating had sucked what little energy out of her. "He w-was... so angry. I don't know wh-why he'd be so angry... You didn't tell him, did you?"

Feeling her step falter, Sirius bent down and gently picked her up, taking her into the bedroom where the cool cloth waited. He placed her on the rumpled sheets and recovered the cloth, wiping away the blood from below the cut before giving it to her to rest on it. "That'll slow the bleeding some. And no, of course I didn't. I've no idea what would've possessed him to do ... this." After a moment of glancing at her face, he looked back towards the door. "If he comes here, I swear on everything that's holy, I will curse the hell out of him."

"Don't. Please. I don't want..." _What? To hurt him, for hurting me? He's never hit me before._Lily fell silent, holding the cloth limply to her lip, her face pale and drawn.

He looked down at her, conflicting emotions racing across his features ... but the fight went out of him quickly, replaced by concern and worry. Sirius stroked Lily's hair, leaning down to rest his forehead lightly on hers. "Does it hurt terribly?" he asked softly, touching noses with her. "Just keep breathing, darling."

"No, I'm just... he..." the tears started welling up again, but she forced her eyes closed. "I... can't believe he'd... he'd hit me. He always said he'd never hurt me. I just..." She felt his nose brush against hers and returned it, trying to force James out of her thoughts. _Not here. He's not here. No talk of him here. Just you and me._

"I can't believe it either." This wasn't entirely true. Sirius couldn't believe that James could get angry enough with Lily, but he knew all too well the rage he was capable of. He'd thought it just schoolboy petulance at the time, and Merlin knew he was capable of them himself, but he hadn't thought that James would loose his temper on his own wife. "Stay with me for a while. You can say you went to your mum's or something, just ... stay here. I want to know you're safe." He continued stroking her hair.

Lily nodded, keeping her eyes closed as he stroked her hair. It felt wonderful... soothing... so soothing that she soon found herself drifting asleep.

Sirius thought furiously as he watched her falling asleep, his mind drifting to even darker thoughts. What would he do now? He couldn't just pretend he didn't know, could he? The next Order meeting was in a week, and he and James would most likely be slated for another mission together. How in the hell would he keep from asking him why? Why on earth would he draw blood from her? Sirius furrowed his brows, shutting his eyes with a discontented sigh and sitting up to rub the bridge of his nose with his free hand.

* * *

><p>Sirius believed in romance about as much as he believed in Saint Nick. It was always something that happened to other people - looking soppily into one another's eyes, buying sparkly things, it all seemed rather unnecessary and crow-like to him. Yet ... in one afternoon he'd not only watched Lily sleep, but here he was at the corner market, shelling out fifteen pence for a damned tulip. He'd nearly paid for it in knuts, distracted as he was, what with how complicated his life had just gotten. James - James, of all people - had actually hit a girl. Lily. He had sat by her bedside for a good two hours, mulling it over and not getting much of anywhere. James. Hit Lily.<p>

Twirling the stem in his fingers, Sirius re-entered the apartment, shutting the door quietly behind him. A quick glance showed Lily still asleep on the bed, and he allowed himself a small smile - creeping back into the room, though, he trod on the one squeaky board in the place. To him it sounded like a bomb going off, and he winced, watching her to see if she'd wake up.

Lily turned in her sleep towards the side of the bed that Sirius normally occupied, curling her knees up against her chest and pressing her face into the pillow. Her sleep was mostly dreamless, but the sound of the creaky board had triggered the beginnings of waking up. Her body was still quite thoroughly asleep, but her mind was slowly becoming more alert.

Melting slightly with relief, he crossed the room gently, and took a seat on the edge of the bed. In repose, even with the cut on her lip, she looked like a work of art. Poor Sirius had never been poetic in his life, so he hardly knew his own thoughts - putting the cloth by the side of the bed, he let the yellow tulip rest on the pillow she was facing, and touched her hair briefly before rising again to busy himself in the sitting-room ... let her rest a bit more.

It took about ten minutes for Lily to fully wake up, and when she did she simply laid there, looking up at the ceiling. The flat was terribly quiet. Was Sirius even there, or had he gone out? A slow twitch of paranoia started in the back of her mind. What if he'd gone after James? _Please let him just be out... or in and quiet... or..._

"Sirius?" she called out softly, her voice scratchy from sleep.

He tripped gracefully over an ottoman getting to the bedroom, and attempted to appear collected as he went over to the bed. "Hey." His tone was gentle and concerned as he sat down again, reaching out to run the tip of his finger down her nose. "How're you feeling?"

Lily sat up upon hearing the thud of his falling, almost ready to race out to find him until she saw him slip into the room. She relaxed almost immediately, a small smile curling on her lips at the lazy caress. "Better. Much better. How long was I out?"

"A few hours. No, I've not killed James. Yet. I just went 'round to the store and back." He was glad she was finally awake. The stew of thoughts ricocheting around his head calmed down when she was smiling at him, for some inexplicable reason. Things just got simpler. "D'you need another cloth? Or some water, or something? I think I need to be useful. Consider me your cabana boy."

Lily laughed gently, leaning into his hand. "Some tea would be lovely. Tea and you. My two favourite things in the room."

"Three." Sirius nodded to the tulip, letting his touch linger softly on her face and glowing a bit from the compliment, then rising while he still had some sort of grip on coherency. Heating the kettle was a short matter of time, and a few moment's wrestling with the lid of the tea tin produced a decent bag of earl grey. He only had mugs, so he brought her one with a design of a llama on a slope, with the saying 'get high' underneath.

Lily turned her eyes towards the tulip at his nod and blushed at the gesture. He'd already left before she got a chance to say anything, but he'd returned shortly after with the mugs. She giggled at the design, taking one when he offered it and drinking it greedily.

"Good to see that smile again." On impulse, he leaned in to kiss the corner of her mouth as she lowered the mug, careful to avoid the healing cut. Pulling back, he cupped her cheek with one hand, examining her lip. "Doesn't look bad at all, really. Now ..." picking up the tulip and twirling with it, merely for the sake of fidgeting, "... what's the plan?" This was said in a more serious tone.

Lily smiled a little more at the kiss, watching him fidget. "Plan... yes..." Lily said slowly, putting the mug between her thighs and looking down into the depths. The smile drifted away to nothing in the midst of her thoughts. What was she going to do about this? Things with James were slowly going downhill, as much as she hated the idea. She'd been in limbo for so long that the idea of sudden change was frightening. Her eyes moved up to his face again, almost hoping he had the answers she was trying so hard to find in her own mind.

In an act of pure timing, Sirius glanced away from the tulip just as she looked up from the mug. He'd learned to read her face better and better these last few weeks, and all he saw there made his heart ache in sympathy. Much as he'd liked for her to have some sort of course of action in mind, it was oddly reassuring to know that neither of them knew what the hell to do. "Usually I'm so good at those ..." he chuckled softly. "How about staying with me, then?"

Like so many things he said, the last was blurted out impulsively, with reason following behind. Why shouldn't she stay? Even if it were just a week, she could owl with some excuse, and they could have longer together than even before. If she wanted to stay even longer than that ... well, he couldn't hope for something like that this soon.

Lily smiled faintly at his response, biting her lip and furrowing her brow after a moment to linger on it. Staying with Sirius meant so many things. The most she'd ever stayed with him was over the weekend when she knew that James would be gone and neither of them were expected at his games. This would be a huge step. "He's bound to come here. You know that. He'll want to talk to you about it. You're his best friend," she said quietly. "I'm sure I could probably tell him I was going to my mother's, but you know James. He'd go barging in, wanting to apologise. Talk it out. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I know how he is. Even if this is something I never thought he'd ever do..."

"You really do know him well, don't you." He tilted his head to one side, with a smile that bordered on wistfulness. "I mean, not that you shouldn't. Wife, and all. I just never expected to be outwitted by you." With a small sigh, Sirius leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers. A brief silence fell, and when he continued, his voice was soft and low. "Love ... I know you're right, but I'm being stupid and male, and I don't want you going back there. What kind of lover would I be if I just watched you go to ... this?" His fingertips ghosted the corner of her split lip, avoiding the cut, but making the point nonetheless. "I can't think of any sort of apology he could make that would allow this to be forgiven."

"'I was drunk. I'm an idiot. You're a Goddess. I can't live without you. You're my everything,' et cetera," she mumbled in reply, giving a watery laugh. Her shoulders gave a dry heave at the idea. This whole thing, in addition to James' rashness, left her so torn. _You should. You should go. You've been fighting more and more. What else can you do? How many ways can he say he's sorry?_"Can you tell we've been fighting? I know all his lines. It's like clockwork and I keep forgiving him," she gave a little sob at last, turning her head into his neck.

Her tears were hot and wet ... Merlin, he wanted to punch James more badly than ever before. Sounds like she knew him too well, and all this time, Sirius had been worshiping a first-rate tosser. Fuck, he'd respected the man, he barely respected anyone these days. He choked back the violent thoughts, though, wrapping his arms around her, saying the first thing that came to mind - Shakespeare, stupidly enough. "I've never seen a goddess go / my mistress, when she walks, goes on the ground. I'm a cheesy bastard, but I'm here, and that's good, isnt it?"

"You know I hate Shakespeare," Lily laughed weakly, brushing a kiss against his neck and slipping her arms around him. The tea sloshed dangerously in the mug between her legs, but she didn't care. He was here. It was good. "I don't know what I would've done if it wasn't for you," she said into his neck.

"Yes, but you love me. It all evens out in the end." They held one another for a while, just taking comfort in arms around arms and cheek against cheek. It was a very bad time to think that she smelled lovely, but dammit, she did. Like clean girl. Any other day, an embrace like this would've meant something different - today, it was a comfort.

Eventually Sirius started thinking again, and he pulled away gently. "I knew I'd have to talk to him eventually ... I probably won't be quoting Shakespeare." A low laugh. "But I knew ... if I had any intention of ending up with you in any lasting fashion, we'd come to words. You can tell him to come here. If you want."

Lily brushed her palms against her cheeks when he pulled away, wiping away her tears, only for her eyes to grow slowly wide at what he said. "You... but... Sirius, he'll kill you," she gasped. "If he had any idea how long this has been going on..."

"I know. And I was ready to kill him, so it's only fair. I don't think he'll kill me in front of you, though. Want to give it a day or so, then call him in? He may be afraid to go to your mother's for fear of telling her why you'd be there ... that'll buy us some time." Taking a breath, he looked at her with sincerity in his eyes. "It's your word in the end, Lily, I said so at the start, and I mean it still. All I'm telling you is that I'm willing to bring it to this, if it's your wish."

_Oh, but it is,_ Lily thought desperately, though she refrained from speaking the words just yet. This was going to bring about the biggest change in life yet, if she agreed to it. Leaving James and moving in with Sirius. Being with Sirius. Loving Sirius and only Sirius. She loved her husband, but (dare she even think it) she'd grown to love Sirius even more in the past few months as her and James' fights grew more and more frequent. Lily brought both hands up to cradle his face, nuzzling her nose against his and kissing him gently. _We'll have each other. We'll be okay. Things will work out for the best, they always do. Even in war. _She pulled back after a long moment, leaving her forehead against his. "Is Pipsqueak here? She went off earlier and didn't come back, I thought maybe she'd came here... I don't want to use your owl. He'd know."

"I think she's out hunting, it's around that time. Use Git, he'll know anyway." He felt rash, excited, a flush of fierce energy animating him. She'd as good as said yes, and he was reminded of the sensation of skydiving - up to and including feeling as though he'd left his stomach behind. Settling for the corner of her mouth again, he kissed it solidly, lingering. A part of him was still figuring out what was going on ... _she's staying? She's really staying?_

Lily chewed her lip before he'd moved in to kiss her, turning her mouth into his and kissing him more fully. She pulled back after a long moment, meeting his eyes and nodding gently. "Okay," she said softly.

* * *

><p>Well. She'd known from the beginning that doing this would not be easy, and James was not one to disappoint. They'd screamed at each other for a good three hours before he'd finally up and Apparated on the spot. She didn't see him again for three days, sleeping in their big, empty queen alone. Sleep, of course, being a relative term. Lily barely stopped crying the entire time, refusing to answer Sirius' owls while she went through this period. She started packing her things on the third night, taking his sudden leaving as a sign that it was indeed over, only for him to Apparate back in at 3AM with flowers and red-rimmed eyes. Lily could smell the liquor on him. He begged her right there in their bedroom as she rushed around him to get her things, trying her best to ignore him. It wasn't until he started crying that she finally looked at him, tears bright in her own eyes. God, how she wanted to forgive him. He loved her so much, and she loved him even through all his anger and jealousy and bitterness. She could see the bruising on his face and arms. He'd gotten into a fight, and she could only just guess who it might've been with. It was that thought more than anything that had forced her to zip up her duffel. Oh, he tried to hold her there. Quite literally actually. He'd started raving hysterically, clutching her so hard that she could barely breathe, barely concentrate enough to Apparate and not accidentally take him with her. The last words she could remember before the temporary blackness was "Don't leave me!"<p>

She was surprised those words didn't Splinch her on the spot. Her knees collapsed on her on the stoop of Sirius flat - a place she was fast becoming friends with in these situations, she noticed foggily - and she slid to the ground, unable to stop her own dry sobs. She did it. It was done. The first step down this rode had finally been made.

The crack of the Apparition woke Sirius from the couch with a fuzzy "whazzat?" and bleary blinking. He sat up, running a hand heavily over his face. He looked like shit, and lord did he know it - several owl-less and visit-less days from Lily had been a hellish sort of limbo, especially considering how James had taken to treating her as of late, and it'd been all he could do to stay away. A three-day-old beard and circles under his eyes darkened his face, and Jenkins at the desk - damn him - had made some sort of snarky comment that afternoon about how lovelorn he looked. Lovelorn. Fuck.

Staggering to his feet, he opened the door with abandon, forgetting completely any of the rules Remus and Dumbledore had badgered him with. He was glad he did - heart leaping and racing at once, he knelt down beside Lily, pulling her to him out of habit. "Oh Red ..."

Lily leaned into him, her sobs wracking her body until she could barely breathe, her fingers twisting around the cloth of his shirt. "I'm... I'm... I-... W-wa-wanted to... not... c-cr-oh Sirius," she rasped, her whole body shaking. "I left. I left."

Desperately wanting to soothe her, but not sure where to start, Sirius simply held her, rocking slightly back and forth. "Red, darling, it's alright ..." She'd left? When she'd disappeared from their little cuccoony world, he'd been almost sure she was leaving for good. Hell, he'd almost been on the point of drinking himself stupid over her at the first bar he could find, but the phrase 'he was only drunk' had kept playing in his mind. It was probably the first time he hadn't resorted to alcohol in a time of difficulty. "You're here now, it's going to be fine ... I promise, I'm looking after you."

Lily closed her eyes, forcing herself to breathe, take the comfort, get a grip. She was here, with him, if nothing else was okay it was that. She felt like throwing up, but his words calmed her as quickly and as suddenly as Apparating. She pushed her nose into her shoulder, moving back enough to look at him. "I love you. So much right now. Y-you are so w-w-wonderful to me," she hiccuped, staring into his eyes.

Lily was unbearably cute, even when hiccuping, but he felt it probably wasn't the best time to tell her - he simply said, "I love you too, Lily. All the time." Softly, he added, "I missed you." Was it so awful that he suddenly felt everything was alright, even though - by her face - it wasn't? The gentle curve of her shoulders against his arms was familiar, wonderfully so. "Let's get inside. I've a feeling we could both use a bout of collapsing on the bed and nuzzling."

Lily leaned her forehead into his when he returned it, never more glad to hear the words. She wasn't hated by the world. She wasn't the worst person. She'd simply made a choice, and the world wouldn't end so long as he was holding onto her. She hugged him tighter. "I d-don't know where my w-and is... my bag... so tired. Don't let me go."

"Of course you're tired, my poor girl ..." My girl. He'd said it. Something twisted happily in his chest as the words repeated in his head, and his arms tightened around her. "You're like a feather to carry, c'mere." Sirius scooped her up easily, nudging the bag over the threshold with his foot as he walked carefully into the bedroom. He glanced at the walls, thinking _first thing tomorrow, I'm painting it green._The bedcovers were mussed, but they were both too tired to care. He set her down with infinite tenderness, crawling onto the bed beside her.

Lily turned into him the moment his body was on the bed, very nearly moving to lie across him in her want to feel him against her. The urge to continue on crying was churning in her chest, making her hiccups worse. _God, make it stop... make the pain stop... I'll do anything,_she pleaded in her mind, hugging him tightly, albeit a bit awkwardly.

Sirius had faint memories of crying that hard, and a part of him remembered how painful it was ... making soothing sounds, he helped her turn onto her stomach, and reached under the hem of her shirt to rub her back in firm, warm circles. "Just breathe, love. Take some deep breaths for me." Their faces were close together, lit only by the light from the streetlamp just outside the bedroom window.

She forced herself to breathe as he instructed, mentally following the strokes of his hands and trying to match pace with her breath. Occasionally her body gave a hard shake from a suppressed sob, but the hiccups soon subsided. Sleep was pulling at her mind again. _No. No... no sleep. Please. Just want to be with you,_she begged inwardly again, inching her body against his and opening her eyes to look toward him at last.

The shuddering beneath his hands quietened, and Sirius breathed a sigh along with her. It was as though his entire body had sensed her absence - in her presence, he felt relaxed, pleasantly heavy, warm. He slipped his hand from under her shirt and used it to help her move closer, curling towards her with a few spare strands of hair falling in his face. "That's my Red. So glad you're here ..."

Lily brushed her cheek into his, lips moving against familiar paths on the skin. Gentle, loving, without a single moments rush. It was one of the first times she could recall in the immediate past that she didn't feel the driving urgency of "as quick as you can/when you can/while you can" driving her on. She was here. He wanted her here. "Love you... so much... so much, Sirius..." she mumbled against the skin, her hand moving to find one of his and interlacing their fingers tightly.


End file.

Harry Potter, Hurt-Comfort, Romance