Ranma 1. Sexy Kunoichi Techniques

Sexy Kunoichi Techniques by Trisar Alvein

A result of staying up way too late without the stimulating effects of caffeine. This is why I don't leave the house. I'm obviously clinically insane, and no one else knows it yet.

-o-o-o-

Ryoga glared at his most hated nemesis. It wasn't uncommon that he did it. In fact, one could almost call Ryoga glaring at Ranma 'mundane,' 'boring,' or even 'normal.' Of course, nine out of ten of the encounters, it usually started off with Ryoga charging forward, yelling out an inarticulate battle cry and attacking Ranma from a random direction.

This was one of the slippery one of ten.

To wit, Ranma wasn't even in his birth form. No, it was a rather cute and fairly buxom redhead who was calmly, casually staring back at Ryoga from across the Tendos' backyard. On the sidelines, or at least on the back porch of the Tendo home, Kasumi Tendo watched with worry while her younger sister Nabiki watched with what could only be described as fascination. The youngest of the Tendos, along with the parental figures, were absent from this display.

A growl from the fanged boy drew attention. "Ranma," he rumbled. "I've got a new technique I've been just itching to try out on you."

"Well, hey, how about that? So do I!" replied the redhead, beaming brightly. "Show me what you've got."

Of course, Ryoga was no fool. He knew if he used the new technique right off, Ranma might be caught off guard. On the other hand, the redhead was prepared for the unusual now, which could spell disaster even if the technique worked the way it should. He couldn't take that risk.

Instead, he charged, fist pulled back for his devastating opening punch, even as he bellowed, "TAKE THIS, RANMA!"

As expected, Ranma-chan ducked away from the punch, spinning slightly and snaking within the lost boy's defenses. Her slim hands took hold of his face, giving her time to say, "I'd rather take these," before giving him a quick peck on the lips.

Wide-eyed and red as a tomato, Ryoga leapt away, gawking at the redhead. "Gah, you...! How dare you...! Gack!"

"Sneak Up and Crimson Hell Attack revised, Sexy Kiss Level One, Distraction," grinned Ranma. "Wanna go again?" she continued, winking.

"For that embarrassment... EAT THIS!" following his yell, Ryoga swung a powerful fist at Ranma, who danced aside.

"No thanks! Sexy Kiss Level Two, Sensuality!" Putting action to words, Ranma-chan took Ryoga's face in her hands again, once more kissing him, but this time nibbling on his lips as she pulled away.

"AUGH!" Ryoga leapt back again, his face completely red. "You little...!"

"Not enjoying it?" Ranma almost looked hurt. She fluttered her eyelashes, posing slightly. "Okay, one more, then."

In reponse, Ryoga did something he rarely did. He took up a defensive stance, geared to guarding his face. "I'm ready now! You won't catch me this time!"

"We'll see." With no further warning, Ranma jumped to the attack. Ryoga reached out to catch her wrist, but missed when she twitched aside. Instead, he caught something considerably softer that seemed to mold into the shape of his palm. His body locked up when he realized he'd just caught hold of one of Ranma-chan's sizable breasts, his addled brain providing imagery based on what had just recently happened.

Taking advantage of the sudden system shock, Ranma-chan draped an arm over Ryoga's neck, then gave him an incredibly passionate kiss, even going as far as to slip her tongue into his mouth. Ten seconds after the kiss began, Ryoga promptly teetered, then fell over backwards, blood leaking from his nose.

"Sexy Kiss Final Level, Seduction," intoned Ranma with a smirk.

On the back porch, Nabiki could only shake her head. "So, what's worse? The fact that he learned these 'techniques' from a boy, the techniques themselves, or the fact that he only did it because Akane bet him he couldn't beat Ryoga without hurting him?" she mused.

"Oh dear, I suppose I should get something to help Ryoga-kun clean up..."

"Well, who cares. This picture is gonna SELL," chuckled the middle Tendo, staring with unbridled delight at the camera she'd just snapped a hell of a picture with.

It actually took considerable effort on her part to NOT cackle maniacally.

-o-o-o-

I make no excuses for this. I have no reason for doing this. I just wanna cry now. Or hide under my bed.

I was BORED, for crying out loud. 


	2. Consequences of Techniques

Consequences of Techniques by Trisar Alvein

Boredom strikes again! The spamfics will officially be what happens when I'm bored but also have writer's block.

Also, bear in mind that if you see a grammar error, or a spelling error, or something that just plain doesn't make SENSE...

Ignore it. It's a spamfic for a reason. I didn't get a pre-reader, and I'm writing them from boredom.

-o-o-o-

Ranma snickered. He also chuckled. He might even have chortled, and that was almost certainly a cackle. Ryoga's new technique had been lost to the wayside in the aftermath of what Ranma had done. The lost boy couldn't look at girl-type Ranma without fainting with a nosebleed, and boy-type Ranma induced very extreme amounts of blushing and stuttering.

It was downright DEVIOUS, if he dared say so himself.

Of course, his parents were of differing minds. His father muttered things along the lines of 'marriage' and 'honor,' while his mother muttered things along the lines of 'honor' and 'grandchildren.'

An ominous combination if ever Ranma had heard one. He couldn't make out the conversation, either, since they were being quiet enough to keep it to themselves.

Finally, they turned towards him.

"Ranma," began Genma, trying to look serious, solemn, and wise. That's what tipped Ranma off to the fact that his life was about to take a whole new spin. "Your mother and I have decided that, as a result of your blatant infidelity with Akane Tendo, the Saotome-Tendo agreement will be tabled to a future generation."

"HUZZAH!" bellowed Ranma, cheering and hooting, strutting around, and tossing confetti about. "Don't gotta marry the tomboy! WOOHOO!"

"Ranma!" barked Nodoka, sending Ranma back to a sitting position. "We have also decided that due to your... explicit actions toward the young Hibiki boy, you will be forced to marry him and uphold the family honor."

Ranma couldn't have frozen faster if his mother had dumped a bucket of cats on him. His plot to get out of an engagement mess and gradually work on the rest of it, while also netting himself a couple thousand yen, had suddenly backfired rather spectacularly.

'Gotta fix the situation...' "But, Ma, I only kissed him! I didn't do nothin' else!" he protested.

"I was told by eyewitnesses that you molested the poor lad."

"In my defense, HE molested ME. It was his hand on my chest."

"That bastard stole my daughter's purity! I'll kill him, kill him dead!" bellowed Genma, shooting to a standing position. He was met by stares of "what the HELL!" from Nodoka and Ranma, which promptly put him back into a sitting position. "Sorry, don't know what came over me."

"Anyway, I can't marry him! I'm a guy!"

"You should have thought of this before you made out with him. Consider these the consequences of your actions. Now, is there any way to lock you in girl form?"

"But... but... it was just a martial arts technique I learned!"

"You should be more responsible about your techniques, boy," grumbled Genma. "Using the wrong ones can cause undesired consequences!"

"Like what?" fired back Ranma, hoping to bring the Cat-Fist to light.

"Your mother was practicing an impromptu drunken kendo technique while sober and I was training without a shirt in my back yard. She ended up on top of me after slipping on a banana peel and flying over the fence, and, well... things just proceeded from there."

"I didn't want to hear that! My EARS! My EARS, Pops! You killed my ears!" Ritual suicide was definitely looking good for the poor lad about now...

But what about Ryoga?

-o-o-o-

About five to fifteen minutes of boredom rolled into a tidy package. Rest assured, if I do another of these, you'll get to see how Ryoga's dealing with it from his end.

What I envision is a horrifying matter that I would never dream of unleashing upon you poor, unsuspecting readers.

"You just can't keep your images straight enough to say anything."

Shut up and get back in the box, character. 


	3. Vengeful Techniques

Vengeful Techniques by Trisar Alvein

You got it. Another visit into insanity from your resident lunatic.

Enjoy. Or at least step off the carpet if your eyes start to bleed.

-o-o-o-

'Ranma is a guy. A guy. He's a guy. He can't be a girl. I don't care about the curse. No matter how warm and soft her lips were, or firm her bre...'

Neural shutdown commenced. The directionless wonder known as Ryoga Hibiki stood in mid-step, apparently frozen solid, while a trickle of red seeped from his nose down what was apparently a used path, given the dried blood already on his upper lip. A few minutes later, when his brain finally completely restarted, he continued walking.

'NO! Must keep head clear! Ranma is male! A man! It was a fluke! There's no way Ranma's a girl! Even if the kiss felt really good and her chest molded right to my palm...'

Once again, Ryoga was left frozen and with a nosebleed in midstep.

"Oh my, Ryoga-kun!"

A familiar voice sped along the restart of his brain. He turned, seeing Kasumi Tendo in his field of view, smiling radiantly as always.

"I'm so happy for you, Ryoga-kun! Congratulations on your engagement!" she gushed.

"E... engagement?" This was new. When did he get engaged? He was pretty sure he was still single. I mean, if he was engaged, what was he doing chasing after Akane and making out with Ranma... 'NO! MALE! RANMA! ARGH!'

"Yes, your recent engagement to Ranma-kun. I thought it was a little odd, myself, but Auntie Nodoka insisted upon it."

"Engaged... to Ranma?! Why that lowdown little..." 'Tiny little frame with big...'

As before, Ryoga's brain suffered a general protection fault, rendering him frozen with an empty look on his face.

"Ryoga-kun?"

'Error. Error. RyogaOS.exe has performed an illegal operation. (A)bort (R)etry (I)gnore (F)ail?'

"What's the matter, Ryoga-kun?"

'Fail! FAIL!' As Ryoga's mouth opened, Kasumi flinched back from the sudden, agonizing wail of despair that symbolized a man who knew he was doomed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

---

Hiding from her mother, who had dug up her old wedding kimono, Ranma-chan sneezed violently, nearly dislodging her from her perch on the roof. 'Dammit, someone's stealing my schtick.'

---

Ryoga wept tears of sadness, of joy, and of agony all at once. Sadness, because he knew now he could never be with Akane after what had happened. Joy, because there was also no way Ranma could ever be with Akane. Agony, because the reason for the sadness and joy was because HE would have to marry Ranma.

Kasumi's words were lost on him, even as she patted him encouragingly on the back.

"There, there, Ryoga-kun. You know, most men aren't so happy about being married that they cry in public..."

Good thing...

-o-o-o-

I am insane. Of this, there is no doubt.

Now leave my teeth alone! 


	4. Marital Arts Techniques

Marital Arts Techniques by Trisar Alvein

Moo hoo hwa ha ha ha ha! Cower in fear, mortals! I have returned, and I bear a new chapter to the dreaded 'Techniques' saga! And this time, we might actually see a technique!

Maybe.

Hey, it's possible! C'mon, cut me some slack here! Do you realize the kind of special effects budget I'm on? Even George Lucas couldn't work with this!

-o-o-o-

It was easy to guess what Ranma was doing. He was finally back in male form, hopping across rooftops toward the Tendo dojo, putting distance between himself and the Saotome household. Yes, Ranma was fleeing. And for good reason.

His mother had not only managed to get a wedding kimono, the wedding sake, and a priest to perform the ceremony, she also had several compulsion medicines which he knew even his stomach, experienced as it was with poisons, wouldn't be able to hold off. Though how she'd managed to convince the priest to stay when apparently neither bride nor groom were present was absolutely beyond him.

'There's gotta be a way out... Maybe I can visit cousin Yuuka, she's supposed to be in Tokyo right now. Or I can head to that hot springs resort Keitaro told me about years ago. Or I can see how Morisato's doing!'

Desperation fueled by adrenaline. With these thoughts in mind, Ranma landed easily in front of the Tendo home, intent on getting his stuff and getting the hell out of Dodge while he still had the chance. The plans were tossed aside in favor of something else when he caught sight of a particular boy in the Tendo dining room, sitting with a glassy-eyed stare on his face.

"RYOGA HIBIKI! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! PREPARE TO DIE!" shouted Ranma, charging at the lost boy with a fist cocked back.

The irony of having his warcry bellowed at him snapped Ryoga out of his daze, and screaming in surprise, he managed to avoid an attack that would have crushed his head like an overripe melon. "Ranma!" he yelled. "This is your fault! I'm gonna kill you!" he continued, swinging a punch that was easily dodged but crushed the Tendos' dining table.

"You wish, P-chan! I'm gonna unman you so that Ma won't be able to marry us!"

Lightning fast kicks were delivered and blocked with ease, while powerful punches were parried or dodged as if the target were a wisp of smoke. Soon the brawl had effectively wrecked the dining room, moving out into the front yard where things could really get destructive.

"It's been nothing but hell from day one with you, Ryoga, but I'm gonna end it! MOKO TAKABISHA!"

"Being married to you is the most crushing thought there ever could be, Ranma! SHISHI HOKODAN!"

As the ki blasts dispelled each other, Ryoga charged forward, swinging his umbrella, slicing open Ranma's shirt. The return swing caught Ranma off guard, knocking him into the pond with a huge splash.

"Hah! Take that! I won!"

With an explosion of water, the now female Ranma leapt out of the pond, her 'assets' on full view for Ryoga due to her torn shirt. The lost boy caught one glance before all went black.

Ranma only had time to mumble a quick "Uh-oh" as she saw Ryoga fall over with a nosebleed. Her trajectory was so devoted to an attack that she couldn't change it at all, which she immediately regretted when she landed on blood-slicked grass. Slipping on the wet surface, she fell on top of Ryoga, crashing her forehead into his considerably harder skull, falling unconscious from the blow.

And so, that was how Kasumi found them a few moments later, with Ranma-chan passed out on a just-as-out-of-it Ryoga.

"Oh, goodness! They really shouldn't do that sort of thing in public!" she said, running over to try and get the two inside.

-o-o-o-

To what do I owe the blame for this work?

I blame modern television. Oh! And the internet.

In case you don't get the references: "Cousin Yuuka" refers to Yuuka Saotome of the series "Suzuka," a college student who likes to drink and play with guys' minds. "Keitaro" and the "hot springs resort" refer to Keitaro Urashima and the Hinata Hot Springs, now Hinata Girls' Dorm of the "Love Hina" craze. "Morisato" can refer to either Keiichi Morisato or his sister Megumi Morisato of the incredibly popular series "Oh! My Goddess!" 


	5. Conclusion of Techniques?

Conclusion of Techniques?  
by Trisar Alvein

Huh huh huh huh huh...

Don't count on iiit...

-o-o-o-

Blurred vision and a splitting headache did not a happy redhead make. As her vision cleared and the headache gradually faded, Ranma-chan realized she was standing in front of a priest while hand-in-hand with somebody. A cursory glance to her hands revealed pure white silk covering them; firmly entrapped by a large, strong hand was her own left. It didn't take much guesswork to figure a stick of dynamite couldn't break that particular grip.

More white caught her eyes, which widened in equal parts horror and shock as she beheld herself in a virgin white wedding dress. The décolletage fell, though not very far, giving a hint at what lay beneath. The shoulders were almost bell-like, the bodice pressed nicely to her trim waist and stomach, and the skirts flared out like flower blossoms. She could also FEEL every solitary CENTIMETER of the bra, panties, stockings, and garter she knew she was clad in.

Oh yeah, and those heels she was in hurt her toes something FIERCE.

Continuing her self-evalutation, Ranma realized her hair was styled very differently from her preferred pigtail. The entire length had been taken and braided up over her head, and in the crop of hair left unbraided was left...

Her eye began twitching as she realized it was a comb with a flower in it, much like the type of hair accessory some girls would wear to look prettier. Someone was gonna get it.

Finally casting a glance to her left, her facial tone paled considerably--which was admirable, as her girl-type sported remarkably fair skin as it was--as she found herself gazing upon the countenance of... wait for it... no, not Kuno. Not Mikado Sanzenin. Definitely not Happosai, thank God. No, her apparent husband-to-be was none other than Ryoga Hibiki!

Frantically, she searched for an out. Even though she was very strong in her girl form, Ryoga was even stronger than her GUY form, which was himself stronger than the girl-type. There was no escaping this by breaking the lost boy's iron-firm grip. She perked her ears up when the priest asked if any objected to the union, and yelled out, "I object! There's no way I'm marrying Ryoga! I'm a guy!"

Or she tried. Funny thing was, her voice and mouth didn't seem to work anymore.

'This isn't happening. This CAN'T be happening. No way. No. Nuh-uh. No!'

As petrified as her mind had become, she DID notice when her apparent 'vow of silence' lifted and she replied to the priest with "I do."

'What was that?! What the hell! Am I even TRYING to not get married anymore?'

"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Ranma wanted to cry. In fact, she was crying. But control of the body had apparently fled a long time ago, as she found herself SMILING as she cried, with Ryoga's face becoming closer...

Closer...

---

"NOOOO!!!" screeched the redhead, shooting upward into a sitting position on the futon she had been laid on.

Glancing down at herself frantically, she noted that everything was normal. Pigtail, Chinese clothes, no gloves, kung fu slippers. Tank top under the Chinese shirt, boxers under the trousers.

"YES! THANK YOU GOD!" she cried.

"Oh! Ranma-chan!" said a voice next to her. Suddenly horrified, Ranma turned stiffly to face it.

Kasumi smiled winningly from her position next to the redhead, and held up two articles of clothing. "Would you prefer the gown or the kimono, Ranma-chan? I'm sure either one would look lovely on you when you get married."

Ranma stared at the Tendo homekeeper for a moment, eyes wide with terror. Finally, her brain couldn't take it anymore, and like a Windows PC, crashed.

"Oh my, she must be so happy to be married," giggled Kasumi. "Goodness, I'll have to decide without her then."

-o-o-o-

Did ya miss me? Heh heh heh heh heh... ha ha ha ha ha... HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! 


	6. Lackluster Techniques

Lackluster Techniques by Trisar Alvein

Many questions have arisen as to the source of sheer, total, unabridged insanity and stupidity rampant in The Techniques Saga. My peers, to date, refuse to look me in the eye ever since they read the first chapter.

I think I'll explain a bit of my daily life. That might help the more curious reader to determine the origins of my particular brand of psychosis.

Actually, no, I won't. To do so would take up more space than I normally allocate for the ordinary spiel of the fic itself.

So, I need a convenient excuse. Nephrite did it!

"HEY!"

Go back to your cage, Ranma. For those of you who don't quite get the joke but are fans of Sailor Moon as well as Ranma, have a look at my fic 'Big Changes.' If you don't pick up on the obvious cues in the prologue and chapter one, then what are we paying you people for?

On a more serious note, I am honestly surprised at the amount of feedback this thing has generated. What started out as a spamfic because I was bored to tears has become a miniseries all its own, sporting sixty-one reviews, over 8000 hits, a spot in four C2 communities, places on seven favorites lists, and positions in twenty-six story alerts lists as of this writing.

Either I'm doing a really good job, or my God, you people are just really that bored. Just to see what happens, I'm going to write this chapter while listening to Wang Chung's "Everybody Have Fun Tonight."

-o-o-o-

Ranma, once again male, crept silently down the stairs, making extra careful to avoid the rotten step that groaned whenever someone even brushed it. He'd managed to evade Kasumi while the elder girl was distracted, then made it to the kitchen and acquired some hot water. Following that, he beelined to his room, packed as many of his belongings as he could, and was even now making good his escape.

With a slightly maniacal gleam to his eyes, the young Saotome slipped out of the house, hopping over the wall and onto a nearby rooftop, and from there, freedom.

'I'm free!' he thought, chuckling in a somewhat insane giggle. 'I'll go to Korea! Yeah, that's the ticket! They'll never find me in Korea! Then if Shampoo shows up, splash, instant cuisine! Same for Ryoga! I can hide from Akane! And there's no market for okonomiyaki! It's perfect! What could go wrong?'

Ranma's glee came to a grinding halt as he stopped in the middle of the roof. "Oh, no, I did NOT just ask myself that, did I?" he groaned, slapping his forehead. As if on cue, he leapt away from the roof beneath his feet exploding before a colorful mace. "Ah, Shampoo. Nice to see you," he said, blandly.

"Ranma, you want marry Shampoo?" asked the lavender-haired beauty.

"No, not really. In fact, I don't want to marry any of you girls." 'Why do I get the feeling I just dug my own grave?'

"Is shame. If Ranma marry Shampoo, Shampoo no have to KILL!" To punctuate her statement, Shampoo drove her bonbori forward, attempting to pulverize her pigtailed beau's skull.

"Whoa! Wait a minute! Kill! What's with this kill thing again?!" yelled the aforementioned Ranma, leaping away to get distance.

"If Ranma no marry Shampoo because Ranma marry lost boy Ryoga, it mean Ranma going all girl-type. Ranma remember what Amazon woman do to outsider womans what defeat her?"

Ranma was silent for a moment, as if in contemplation. "Right. Gotcha. I think I see. Night, Shamps!"

The Amazon had just enough time to blink before Kodachi's full weight landed on her skull, driving her face into the roof with enough force to render her insensate.

"I see it all clearly now," said the newly-arrived noblewoman.

"Really? Enlighten me, 'Dachi," prompted Ranma in a deadpan, realizing now just how botched his escape plan really was.

"Foul redheaded harlot!" shrilled Kodachi, tossing a glass at a surprised Ranma and turning him female. "There never was a Ranma-sama, was there?! It was all a trick, played for your amusement at the expense of the Kuno household! For your indiscretion against the Kuno family, DIE!"

Her attack was interrupted by a bonbori smacking her in the back of the skull with much greater force than she had applied earlier, rendering her QUITE unconscious. A very irritated Shampoo stood up, her face a giant red mark and with a prominent lump on the posterior of her cranium.

"Stupid crazy girl not interrupt Amazon quest! Ranma, I kill!" she screamed, leaping at Ranma.

Quite fed up with the interruptions and just short of going crazy, the redhead dropped her pack to the roof and, with a grace that Shampoo admired while it belonged to her husband, snapped out three perfectly executed kicks. The first two, mere blurs, disarmed her, sending both bonbori flying away. The third, a rapidly-growing blur, struck her dead center, robbing consciousness from her very painfully.

Slipping her backpack back on, Ranma turned, prepared to leave, and came face-to-face with a very enraged Ukyo, who was decked out for war.

"Ranma Saotome, you strung me along for free food and dumped me so you could pursue a man! I'll never forgive you this time! I'm going to carve my revenge out of your hide!" she bellowed, chasing the now-retreating Ranma across the rooftops.

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY!" wailed the beleagured redhead to the sky above as she fled across the roofs, her former best friend in hot pursuit.

-o-o-o-

Okay, just a note before anyone says anything. Kodachi did NOT knock Shampoo unconcious, and Shampoo did not miraculously recover. Shampoo was only STUNNED, not KO'd. Kodachi, on the other hand, is VERY unconscious. Shampoo also made an amateur mistake in charging Ranma: she had no guard up at all. Ranma, on average, does not strike girls if there are alternative solutions (i.e.: running away). Ranma is having anything BUT an average day. This is why it only took one kick to render Shampoo totally out of it.

In conclusion, if I ever feel the urge to write The Techniques Saga while eating watermelon slices or Oatmeal Creme Pies and listening to Wang Chung, I'm just going to request that my friends shoot me in one of my arms. 


	7. Ancient Techniques

Ancient Techniques by Trisar Alvein

Evenin', boys and girls! Who's up for some LAUGHS?

I decided you folks have been patient enough. It's time for another installment of the insanity!

Speak not, my darling. To speak would be to break the spell.

Written while listening to the Makina remix of Ozone's "Numa Numa" song. On REPEAT, baby.

-o-o-o-

He needed to get lost.

He needed to get VERY lost.

He needed to get VERY lost, VERY fast, and he needed it done yesterday.

Ryoga Hibiki, the Eternally Lost, was tearing through the streets of Nerima at a breakneck pace. He knew that if he stopped, even if only for a moment, he was doomed. They would catch him. Those lunatics from the Tendo Dojo. Even Akane couldn't be trusted! She'd given him the sweetest smile he'd ever seen, and said that as it seemed that he and Ranma were truly in love, she wouldn't interfere.

Escape was the only option, really; he certainly couldn't afford to STAY in that madhouse.

"HIBIKI!" bellowed an angry voice to his left, and his months of battle-honed reflexes twisted him away from an attack that seemed impossibly slow by comparison to what he was used to.

Oh, it was Kuno that was attacking him. That explained everything, actually.

"What do you want, Kuno?" he growled, adopting a ready stance.

"The truth has been revealed to me, cretin! Trapping my lovely pigtailed girl in the body of a man and forcing her into wedlock with you while the rest of us turned our backs for a moment was clever, foul demon, I must admit. You even managed to fool me!"

As the accusations rattled down, Ryoga had to resist the urge to point out that a man with a painted wooden mask could fool Kuno. "I guess trying to convince you I'm a victim here too would be a waste of breath, huh?" he intoned, dropping his pack. He grinned ferally when Kuno nodded in affirmation, and began cracking his knuckles menacingly. "Then enough small talk. Hurry up and come here!" he roared, charging at the Kuno boy.

Or that was the plan. A literal storm of chains, weights, ropes, and other binding materials wrapping around him and sending him into the ground derailed that plan. Sensing danger, he rolled to the side quickly, narrowly avoiding having his head impaled by two falchions, a saber, a half-dozen kunai, and a katana. He was also able to glance over and see Mousse staring smugly at him from atop a building.

"What do you want, duck-boy?" he yelled.

"I see through your plan, Hibiki. Marry Ranma's girl form under Japanese laws, taking Akane Tendo and Akari Unryuu as mistresses no doubt, and then away to Nyuchiezu to add Shampoo to your harem!" accused the myopic fighter, pointing his finger at Hibiki as if to pin the charges to him.

"Truly, he seeks the fair Akane Tendo as well? This travesty shall not be allowed to pass!"

"Now wait just a second—"

"OUTTA THE WAY!" bellowed a new, female voice. Ryoga caught a flash of red behind Mousse before the Chinese boy was rendered insensate, having been literally plowed down by one Ranma Saotome. The redhead leapt from her perch, gracefully flipping through the air to land on top of Kuno, knocking him unconscious as well. She then turned, raising her arms up toward where she had just come from. "Moko Takabisha!" she roared, a blue bolt of ki screaming from her hands. Just as the blast seemed like it was going to pass harmlessly by, Ukyo Kuonji appeared and took the shot dead center, knocking her back onto the building.

As she did not reappear, Ryoga could only assume she was out of it too.

"Hey, Ranma!" he hissed. "Get me outta this thing!"

Grumbling about wanting to kill him instead, Ranma did actually help Ryoga free of his entrappings.

"I hate to say this, Saotome, but... we might have to work together now."

"It bugs me too, but I think you're right. Come on, no one'll think to look for us back at your place," agreed the redhead. "Stay close!" she called over her shoulder as she leaps to the roofs again, Ryoga in hot pursuit.

It took a remarkably short time to reach their destination, and both cursed fighters tried to relax when they did, but fate obviously had other plans as a tall, well-built woman with dark hair stepped into the room, then blinked in surprise.

"Uh, hi Mom," mumbled Ryoga, raising his hand in greeting. "This really isn't what it looks like," he said weakly.

The knowing smile on the woman's face sent chills down both teens' backs. "So THIS is that fiancée of yours I heard about," she said with a suddenly mischievous grin.

'Oh HELL no,' shot through both teens' heads at once.

So much for their great escape...

-o-o-o-

AUTHOR'S NOTES

I make no excuses for this.

Fear my moo of fury!

Moooooooooooo! 


	8. Sinful Techniques

Sinful Techniques by Trisar Alvein

I think I'll explain something real quick here, just to clarify. The Techniques Saga has absolutely nothing to do with Numa Numa, Wang Chung, O Zone, or any other song or artist I listen to while writing it. They're just the craziest song I could find at the time to listen to while writing.

For chapter eight of your dose of insanity, I will be listening to Flogging Molly's "Seven Deadly Sins."

-o-o-o-

"Hey! Let us out!" bellowed a particular redhead, pounding on a door with one dainty fist. She was dressed in a rather flattering red v-neck blouse and black knee-length skirt, and her face was a lovely one despite being twisted into a scowl of anger.

"Give it up, Ranma. This room was meant to hold a Hibiki with higher strength and skill than Mom, and you saw how easy she was able to carry BOTH of us and those suitcases she blocked the door with while changing our clothes. You know, the ones that even I could barely BUDGE, let alone move?" muttered the lovely young woman's companion, a rather depressed looking young man dressed in a pressed white shirt and khaki pants. His own dark hair was tied away from his rugged, handsome face by a checkered bandanna, allowing one to easily see the hopeless look in his eyes. "And now she's got us trapped in here until she comes back, so we might as well quit."

"Rrrgh! I'm not giving up, even if you do, Ryoga!" Ranma yelled, stepping back. "Saotome School, Meteor Kick!" Rebounding off the wall behind her, she flew at the door at high speeds, her outstretched foot glowing with energy. She made impact, expending her kinetic energy powerfully.

Much like a mountain, the door remained unmoved, sending the pigtailed girl painfully to the floor.

"Ow! Ow! Damn, what's that door MADE of? YOU'RE softer than that!" she cursed, nursing her throbbing foot. Quickly standing, she pulled her arms back, focusing her ki in preparation for another attack. "Chestnut Fist!" she roared, driving hundreds of punches into the door relentlessly over the next few seconds.

As the attentive reader may have guessed, this served little purpose save to bruise her knuckles severely.

"Well, that's three failed techniques," said Ryoga. "I already tried the Breaking Point, you saw that. It didn't work, even though I don't know how."

A slot at the top of the door slid open, and the eyes of their tormentor appeared. "Ranma-chan," she said. "Your mother's here. She and I agree that if you and Ryoga-chan get married immediately, we can let you out."

"Never! Rrrgh! Moko Takabisha!"

The previous two attacks had at least rattled the door from their force.

With her confidence hardly at peak placed against the remarkably durable portal and surrounding wall, the ki burst had failed to even do that.

"Oh dear," clucked Mrs. Hibiki. "I thought you were rattling the door to let me know you two wanted a more intimate place to share a wedding night."

"I'm a GUY!" raged Ranma in response. "I can't marry Ryoga! I wouldn't even think of it! I'll get out of here. You'll see... I... I don't lose! I can't!" she continued, her voice taking on a hint of desperation. A burning red aura enveloping her, Ranma's assault on the door renewed with another chestnut fist, and Ryoga's eyes widened as the pattern of her strikes became visible. He quickly ducked into a corner and covered his head as the burning red aura shifted into an ice blue one as she cocked her fist back. "Flying Dragon Ascension Wave revised! HORIZONTAL SPIRAL!" she bellowed, punching forward at the center of her spiral strike pattern.

Pulling out her trump card was the last thing Ranma had been able to think of, and creating the spiral herself with the Chestnut Fist had been draining on her aura and painful for her fists, but it had worked. The whirlwind blasted into existence, a force that could cut anything to shreds no matter how powerful it was.

The door protested that the whirlwind could penetrate it, however, and somehow weathered the assault. Mrs. Hibiki remained unmoved despite the wind blasting through the peep-hole in the door. However, the slicing, cutting winds did manage to cut through one thing.

A shivering, completely naked female Ranma growled as she saw an absolute lack of any notable effect from her attack beyond completely obliterating her outfit. A gargle and thump from behind confirmed Ryoga fading from consciousness, which further irritated Ranma.

Mrs. Hibiki remained unflappable. "Well, Ranma-chan, we'll just leave you two to your intimacies then," she said, the smile in her voice audible. The peephole slid shut, the thunk of the metal sounding like her death knell.

Ranma collapsed to her knees, the reality of the situation setting in.

"I'm trapped. With Ryoga. Even my best didn't work."

The martial arts that were her life had failed her. She was nothing but a weak girl after all, a waste of ten years of constant, torturous training.

Worthless.

'I'm worthless...'

-o-o-o-

Author's Post-Chapter Notes

Where did this turn dark? Ugh. Well... whatever. Hopefully it'll brighten up next chapter.

See you next mission. 


	9. Revised Techniques

Revised Techniques by Trisar Alvein 

YOU ASKED FOR IT! You asked for it!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

---

Ryoga wished he'd been awake for the transition, but somehow Ranma had changed his... her... its tune, agreeing to the marriage. Ryoga wasn't exactly thrilled with it himself, but had resigned himself to his fate. After all, he hadn't been able to escape that cell no matter how hard he tried, and he'd watched every attempt Ranma herself had made fail, and the Saotome was, after all, the better fighter—Ryoga hated to admit it, but he hadn't much evidence to the contrary.

But now, the redhead was not only agreeing to the marriage, she seemed bubbly, cheery, and overall delighted with the concept.

He wished he knew what was with that huge lump on her head, though, and continued to wonder this from his position in the living room of his home, alone with his 'betrothed,' even as she bounded toward him.

"Oh, Ryoga my darling!" she cooed, latching onto his side with a grip that would out-do a hydraulic press. "Aren't you so glad? We'll be able to be married soon! Then, it'll be just you and me..." Her bright and beaming smile turned downright sultry.

Ryoga managed to resist turning green. Barely. Ranma's enthusiam to get married was almost equal to her earlier hatred of the thought.

"Look, Ranma, um, are you really sure this is what you want? I mean, I thought you'd be against this!" Ryoga protested weakly. He knew intently that Ranma was a man, and the concept of marrying a man filled him with mixtures of horror and disgust—not because he was against others doing it, but simply because the thought of doing it himself was horrifying. The weak protests, however, came from the fact that whatever his mind was telling him, his body insisted that there was a daringly cute, devilishly sexy, foxy little redhead pressing herself into him. A redhead dressed in a new v-neck blouse that dipped even lower than her old one, nearly reaching her navel, allowing her to press her remarkable assets against the part of his forearm left exposed by his shirt.

"Oh, I was, but then I thought about it for a bit after I hit my head and calmed down. I mean, why shouldn't I want to marry you? You're strong, a good fighter, and the fact that you can get us lost whenever you want means we'll have the best vacations ever!" fizzed the bubbly redhead. "Plus you're nice and sweet when you want to be, so I know you'd treat me right!"

"Hit your head?"

Ranma nodded. "Yup! I tried to get out by charging into the door with my head. Pretty silly, huh?"

"Heh, yeah, silly," agreed Ryoga, finding with a growing unease that he couldn't lever the very strength Ranma had just mentioned enough to break free of her grip. It wasn't a reluctance or desire not to hurt her, it was simple physical fact that he couldn't seem to lever himself free. In fact, his every attempt just seemed to TIGHTEN her grip on him. "How are you doing that?"

"I'll only tell you if you call me 'dear,' darling," was the reply.

Ryoga suppressed another mixed wave of nausea and desire at that thought. A blow to the head had done it, which meant a blow to the head might reverse it as well. It could work! But how to escape?

"Don't you love me enough to say just that one word, maybe hold me too?" pouted the neo-girl.

That was it! His captive arm had just enough range of motion to be able to slip around her waist and pull her closer to him. That kind of position would also weaken the leverage she had against him, freeing his other arm completely.

'Except that with her reflexes, there's no way I'll be able to hit her before she blocks it,' he realized nervously. 'Unless she never sees it coming!'

Managing to hold back the urge to gag, just barely, he put his arm around her waist, causing her to giggle with delight and press herself against him, her new position forcing her to release his other arm. Swallowing his nervousness, his pride, and his desire to vomit, he managed to crack a sickly grin as she smiled adoringly at him. "C-c-cl-close your e-eyes?" he stuttered out. Beaming brightly, she did just that, and assuming his intentions, also tilted her head back slightly.

Lifting back one arm, he firmed his resolve again, targeting the exact center of the lump on her head that was already present. Closing his eyes, he steeled himself. 'Come on, Ryoga, you have to do this. You have to!' He was ready. He was prepared. He was...

SMOOCH!

...apparently taking too long, as when he opened his eyes at the feel of lips on his, Ranma had taken matters into her own hands, leaping up to kiss him fully on the lips, her arms going around his neck. Even as he felt her tongue slip into his mouth, he saw a flash of light, and glanced over to the side to see Nabiki lowering her camera with a devil's smirk.

'My life is hell,' he cried mentally.

---

Fin.

YOU ASKED FOR IT! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


End file.

Ranma, Humor, Romance