Final Fantasy VII 1. Vincent's oh so sexy tights

((Hey guys! Well I'm still mad that I can no longer write my script type format stories… But on a good note my idea dragons have been working over time to help me write some stories! Woot! Well anyway on with this story! X3

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts so what makes you think that I own Final Fantasy VII? I own a copy of both games but I do not OWN them… Sadly only Squaresoft/Enix can go around on the streets screaming "I OWN FINAL FANTACY AND KINGDOM HEARTS!" Now if only they would go around screaming the release date for Kingdom Hearts 2……))

**A Day At The Races**

**By: Roaring Flame Cat**

-For anyone who enjoys laughing for no good reason-

Cloud and all his friends including Red XII, Tifa, Barret, Yuffie, Cait Sith, and Aeris were all hanging around the Gold Saucer just being morons when Yuffie all of a sudden gets a sugar high burst of energy.

"Ohmygodcloudguesswhatijustdiscovered!" She said with enthusiasm.

Cloud looked over at her with his evil yet oh so cool SOLDIER glare "What?"

"Iknowwhatyoudidfiveyearsgo! Muwahahahahahahahahahahaha!" Yuffie screams while letting out a war cry and swinging on a shiriken with a rope attached to it like spider woman. ((A/N: Is that even possible to have spider a spider woman?))

Cloud once again glared up at her "How the He- did you find that out…?"

"SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!" Yuffie screamed spinning on the rope upside down pretending to be something being flushed down a toilet.

"What the heck is her problem?" Red XIII Said staring in amusement at Yuffie.

"Don't look at me! Last time I tried to manipulate her she tossed a good five hundred shuriken at me! In only thirty seconds!" Cait Sith said shaking his head.

"Umm maybe you should do something about her cloud…" Tifa said watching Red XIII slowly get into a pouncing position.

"MINE!" Red XIII roared out pouncing on the spidey-Yuffie thinking she was one of those cat toys.

"FLOOOOOOOSHHHHHHH! Glub glub" Yuffie screamed still pretending to be in a toilet.

"You know this is actually kind of amusing…" Aeris said shyly.

"Hey I know! Let's load my gun with little nuts and shoot them at her just to see what happens!" Barret said emptying the bullets out of his arm gun.

"Sounds like fun I'm in!" Cait Sith said happily as he loaded some walnuts in Barret's arm.

"OK! Ready… Aim………… FIRE!" Tifa Yelled out in pure delight.

Barret began to shoot the random nuts out of his gun arm while Cloud stood there with his back against the wall staring at his "friends" with an arched eyebrow.

"GROOOOOOOAAAAABBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLL I'M DROWNIG!" Yuffie screamed out while Red XIII was clinging to her and she was being hit with the assortment of nuts while spinning faster and faster and faster on the rope.

"You're being awful quiet Cloud." Aeris said leaning on the wall next to him.

"Like I'm gonna act like those fools? Ya right…" Cloud said still having his evil yet oh so cool SOLDIER glare.

"Oh you're just sore that you can't be as wild as them…" Aeris said with an evil sorta smirk.

"Ya you wish…" Cloud said as he walked off.

"Where are you going?" Cait Sith said noticing Cloud was leaving them… all alone… in a very large place… alone………

"To race my chocobo…" He said as he continued walking.

"What's eating him?" Everyone said as they stoped what they were doing and looked at Cloud.

"FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM IZ MINE!" Yuffie screamed out as she escaped with Red XIII still clinging to her.

"Aww man! I was having fun! COME BACK!" Barret yelled out while still shooting the nuts at Yuffie as she swung away on her shuriken.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

-At the chocobo racing arena-

"Hello Vincent…" Cloud said putting some reigns on Vincent dressed as a chocobo.

"DA-IT CLOUD IF ANYOND SEES ME I'LL KILL YOU! WHY AM I EVAN DRESSED UP LIKE THIS ANYWAY!" Vincent yelled out while struggling so Cloud couldn't get the reigns on him.

"I have no clue why you're dressed up like this. But at this point in time I don't really care… I'm riding you in the next race weather you like it or not…" Cloud said slipping the reigns over Vincent's head.

"I DON'T WANNA BE A CHOCOBO! I WANT TO BE A DANCER!" Vincent said still struggling.

"Really? I would've never guessed…"

"I always wanted to be a graceful ballerina… and dance with swans in the middle of a lake…" Vincent said finally calming down.

"Huh… It's too bad I don't care… C'mon it's time for my race…" Cloud said dragging Vincent to the race track.

"NOOOOOOOOOO I WANT TO BE FREEEEEEEEE!" Vincent screamed as he was being dragged away…

-At the race track-

"ANNNNNNNND WECOME TO THE CHOCOBO ARENA! RACERS START YOUR CHOCOBOS!" The announcer screamd on the loud speekers. All the other racers except cloud began making vroom and raspberry-like sounds imitating the engines off a car.

-beep… beep… beep… BING-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND THEIR OFF!" The announcer screams once again. "It looks like Cloud and his Chocobo have taken an early lead! Ooo and look at how graceful his chocobo is!" The announcer said over oo's and ahh's " OH MY GOD BUT WAIT WHAT'S THIS? THERE'S A FEMALE RIDING ON SOME KIND OF RED LION AND SHE'S GIVING CLOUD A RUN FOR HIS MONEY!" He screamed out as Yuffie popped on the track.

"What the he are you doing Yuffie?" Could said as Yuffie was right next to him.

"DON'T ASK ME THE TOILETS MADE ME DO IT! FWOOOOOOSH!" Yuffie screamed as she gave Red XIII a small kick in his leg to make him go faster.

"OWWW! DON'T KICK ME THERE!" Red XIII roared out.

"SHUT UP AND GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Yuffie screamed out and tried to kick his leg again but due to she was off balance she missed and kicked him in the groin…

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROWWWWWWWWWRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!" Red XIII howled out in pain as he collapsed, causing all the other chocobo riders to crash into him and cause an accident.

"OOOOO THAT'S GOING TO COST OUR FEMALE LION RIDER THE RACE!" The announcer yelled out wincing at the crash…

"Cloud since were going to win with the prize money can you buy me some dance lessons pretty pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" Vincent asked with big puppy dog eyes.

"I'll see… IF YOU WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" Cloud said just before Vincent tripped on himself and made a hard landing.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NOW I'M GONNA WIN!" Yuffie laughed maniacally as she rode by on a limping Red XIII with a giant bandage on his ummmm……… you know where………

"NO I WON'T LOSE! I WANT THOSE DANCE LESSONS!" Vincent screamed as he turned back into his regular evil demon possessed self.

"Woah!" Cloud said nearly being thrown off him as he bolted toward the finish line.

"OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Vincent screamed in a evil yet girly laugh as he began emitting a pink demonic aura.

"Vincent chill! You're already broke the world record for the fastest chocobo! SLOW DOWN DA-IT!"

"I WANT THOSE DANCE LESSONS! ROAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"Dear lord…" Cloud said preparing for the worst.

The finish line was approching quickly and Vincent still showed no sign of slowing. All the while Red XIII was still trying to catch up with him but sine Yuffie kept missing his leg and kicking him in the groin... medics continuously had to put a bigger bandage on his……… Ummm ya…………………

"WOAH CLOUD AND HIS CHOCOBO ARE CLOSING IN ON THE FINISH LINE AT……… 300 MPH WILL THEY BE ABLE TO STOP? WILL THEY EVER GET THAT PRIZE MONEY? WILL CLOUDS CHOCOBO EVER STOP EMITING THAT PINK AURA? WILL I EVER STOP ASKING THESE MORONIC QUESTIONS?" The announcer screamed in the loud speakers trying with all his might ((A/N: Ok not really…)) not to jump out the announcer box in excitement.

"VINCENT STOP ALREADY!" Cloud screamed trying to get him to slow down.

"I WANT TO DANCE LIKE A GIRL!" Vincent screamed speeding up.

"DA-IT IF YOU DON'T STOP NOW I'M NOT GIVING YOU THE MONEY SO YOU CAN HAVE THOSE LESSONS!"

Vincent passed the finish line and stopped on a gil. Literally. "But I wanna dance…!" Vincent said looking real sad.

"And you will… You won…" Cloud said as he jumped up and down on Vincent's back as that catchy little victory music played.

"Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow…" Vincent moaned over and over.

-A few days later-

"You know that was a real nice thing you did for Vincent." Aeris said as Cloud and the gang took their seats in the audience arena ((A/N: I can't recall what that area was called… but you guys know which area I'm talking about right?))

"Ya… I guess… Well I heard his teacher said he was so good he mastered almost three years of dancing in under a day or two…" Cloud said flipping through the program.

"It sure was nice of him to invite all of us!" Cait Sith said with a big smile.

"Oh look it's starting!" Tifa and Aeris said in unison.

"Hey guy's… Where's Yuffie?"

"Who knows and who cares? Now shut up Cloud I wanna see this!" Barret said actually sounding pretty enthusiastic about all this.

-Oops I did it again began to play-

"GO VINCENT!" Everyone cheered while watching him dance in his oh so sexy tights… ((A/N: I personally think Cloud would look better than Vincent in tights… I'm a Cloud fangirl what can I say… He rox… X3))

-Later when the song was over-

"So how did you guys like it?" Vincent asked with enthusiasm.

"OH MY GAWD YOU WERE SO HAWT!" Areis and Tifa screamed.

"…" Cloud seemed a bit hurt by what the girls said.

"Hey where was Yuffie? I didn't see her with you guys…" Vincent said sounding a bit disappointed.

Tifa and Aeris get an evil smirk. "Ooooooo Vincent ooooooooo"

"What? I just wanted everyone to see my dance… Speaking of which I didn't see Red XIII with you guys either…"

"Uh-oh…" Cloud said thinking of what might happen next.

"MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" a very familiar voice cackled as the lights in the area all went off and in a few seconds went back on.

"What the –bleep- was that all about?" Barret asked no one in particular while scratching his head.

"OH MY GAWD CLOUD!" Aeris and Tifa screamed.

The spot where Cloud was once standing now had a stuffed moogle with a note tied to it.

"If you ever want to see Vincent again bring one instruction booklet on how to race chocobos, a dozen shuriken, and fifty giant pixie stix to the chocobo arena of Friday of next week or else…" Vincent read the note out loud… "OH MY GOD I HAVE A LONG LOST BROTHER WITH THE SAME NAME AS ME! I FEEL SO WARM AND FUZZY!" Vincent squealed like a girl as he hugged himself.

"Hold on it also says in this incredibly sloppy writing that looks much like Red XIII's writing P.S. Bring bandages…" Aeris said inspecting the note.

"WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? WE HAVE NO CLUE WHERE TO GET THESE ITEMS!" Tifa said panicked.

"PIXIE STX! GET 'EM RIGHT HERE!"

"CHOCOBO RACING BOOKLETS FREE ONLY TODAY!"

"SHURIKEN AND BANDAGES RIGHT HERE FOR ALL YOUR FIGHTING NEEDS!" Random cart people screamed out.

"WE'RE NEVER GONNA FIND THESE THINGS!" Aeris cried out.

"WE'RE DOOOOOOOOOOOMED!" Everyone screamed out in defeat.

* * *

AH HA! A CLIFFIE-inset evil laughter here- Well that's all for now I'll write the next chapter when my idea dragon returns… This was supposed to be a one shot but like most of my stories on thing leads to another and the next thing I know I have a whole series written………

Lol I'm sorry Vincent is so off character... I thought it would be funnier if I wrote something like that. X3

Well see yaz! I've got homework to finish…(I'm so bad… play before homework… Feh like I care though… as long as my parent's think I'm working what does it matter?) lol Oh ya! Don't forget to review! X3

RFC


	2. The New Authoress

((This chapter never seemed to come eh? Well you can hate me all you want but I have been getting a LOT more inspiration lately so chapter might come along faster than half a year…

Disclaimer: The world's slowest authoress here… I dun own any of 'em… if I did, by the time I created one character in FF VII It'd be the year 2389… ))

* * *

**Chapter 2: The "New" Authoress…**

-As the gang was screaming out in defeat Yuffie and Red XIII were planning their own little scheme somewhere else in the Gold Saucer.-

"I'll ask you again. Why are you dressed like Cloud, Vincent?"

"I said it before and I'll say it again… I AM CLOUD YOU MATERIA UPSESED FOOL!" Cloud screamed trying to break himself free from the chair he was tied to.

"Don't get smart with me Vincent… What do you take me for? A fool?"

"I JUST CALLED YOU THAT!" Oh how much Cloud wished he could get Yuffie to understand the simple language he spoke…

Yuffie's eye's seemed to flash red for a second. "Fine then you know what…? Red XIII! Get the S.G.T.O.D!

"Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…" Red XIII cried silently as he remembered the pain from the Chocobo race.

"JUST DO IT!" Yuffie screamed her entire body engulfed in flames.

Tears ran down Red XIII's face as he limped off to get the S.G.T.O.D.

"What the heck is a sgtod?" Cloud said still trying to break free from the chair.

"You'll see…" Yuffie said with a bit of a smirk.

-Hours passed and the red lion with the missing eye never returened… (Perhaps he got lost since he only has "one eye" -depth might become something of a challenge to him… and corners… and just plain everything that could trick his only good eye…)

"GAWD WHAT'S TAKING HIM SO LONG?"

"Maybe he got lost like the narrator said…"

"DON'T CALL ME THE NARRATOR! THAT NAME IZ SO LIKE **OLD** GAWD! CALL ME THE AUTHORESS!" The authoress screamed at the blond who had just stated the obvious…

Yuffie remained silent for a moment before remembering what she was gonna say. "… Now what was I gonna say… uhhhh OH YA," She turned her attention to Cloud. "SHUT UP! I'M GOING TO FIND HIM!" Yuffie said as she stormed out of the room. "FLY MY WEBS FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Cloud heard her scream and then he heard a loud 'WHAM' a little ways down the hallway.

"Now that had to hurt… Good…." Cloud said while silently laughing.

-30 minutes and 3.9847333049 seconds later-

"ARGH I'M BOARD!" Cloud screamed while struggling in his chair to get free. ((A/N: Remember Cloud's in Yuffie's room with hundreds of sharp pointy objects for him to cut the rope on……)) "If only I could break free….. I'M DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!" He cried out. "Well if I'm gonna face utter demise I might as well do it in style…" Cloud began to tap a '1-2-step' beat with his foot as he began to hum a little bit and then sing…

"My name is Cloud… I have a sword… I fight cactaurs… Because I'm bored… I like to ride on chocobos… it's better than HAVING AFOROS! And when I go into a inn… 15 seconds… IT'S DAY AGAIN-OMFG I MEAN THAT DEFYIES THE WAY OF THE UNIVERSE! W00T I CONTROL THE SPACE TIME CONTINUUM! OH! AND THEN I CAN USE A PHINOX DOWN! SO'S WHEN I DIE I WILL NOT FROWN! BECAUSE _I_ AM CLOUD! WAY BETTER THAN SEPHIROTH BECAUSE MY HAIR DEFYS ALL GRAVITY! BUT! MY ONLY FLAW IS I CAN'T HAVE TO MANY PO'SHUNS OR I MIGHT GET CAVITIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!" Cloud screeched on a high note that seemed to break the glass of some rich snob's "fine" glass that the butler bought from a dollar store… for a dollar.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!" A girl with a relatively LOUD voice screamed out clearly over-powering Cloud's screech.

"… Who are you? AND WHY ARE YOU INTURUPTING MY OPERA?" Cloud looked at the newfound figure in the doorway.

"I am the authoress… ROARING FLAME CAT!" She said as she struck a dramatic pose.

"… Is this leagal?"

"What do I care? Humor haz no laws… I think…" RFC said as she thought for a moment.

"Well reguardless… Where's Yuffie…? And why are you here? Not that I mind…"

RFC let out a deep moaning sigh, that many of her friends' dubbed the "the death cry." "Yuffie finds it funny to kick me out of my spot and take control of the story…"

"… If she's typing now why hasn't all hell broke loose?"

"Shehazn'tfoundthe power of the ALMIGHTY AUTHORESS! So we're safe… at least I think so…. This haz never happened before… even WITH all the chaos and randomness ruling meh life…"

"… Well since you're here… can you untie me?"

"Nevahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" RFC hissed in a "I'm your mastahhhhhhhhhhhhh" way as the word seemed to be carried off into the depths of the-words-that-never-end-so-help-me-god…

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Cloud screamed out in the same manner as RFC.

"I NO LONGER HAVE THE POWER OF THE AUTHORESS- THAT'Z WHY! I'M NOT SITTING IN THE FANCY LEATHER CHAIR WITH THE SEAT THAT'Z SO FRIKKIN' UNCOMFORTABLE I COULD CHOP OFF MY REAR END! THE ONLY REASON I HAVE A FANCY CHAIR IZ BECAUSE I HAVE A LEATHER ROCKING CAHIR IN MY ROOM AND MY PARENTS' ARE INTO MAKING THINGS MATCH! SCREW MATCHING I WANT COMFORTABLE DARN IT ALL!" RFC screamed out-shattering the cheep rich persons'china/glass while she rolled on the floor in her own demise.

"You don't get out much… do you?"

"Naw… I sit at home all day wishing I weren't a starving artist…"

"Welcome to the club."

RFC was about to walk over to Cloud to untie him due to the "If you dun untie me I'm gonna cry look" was starting to make her wanna jump him, and fangirl squeal, and glomp and all that random stuff fangirl do that they just can't control for the life of them. But… just as Cloud said… all hell was about to break loose… YUFFIE FOUND THE CHAIR THAT GIVES THE AUTHORESS THE ALMIGHTY POWER OF GOD!

"DEAR LORD!" Cloud screamed out. "I CAN'T CONTROL MY ARMS!" Cloud began to untie the not that was now in a bow… (which wasn't there at the beginning let RFC tell you.)

Cloud slowly began to loosen the noose and finally stood up. "Huh you'd think that would've been harder… or more horrible…"

"Never let your guard down…… the authoress has all the power of god in fanfictions such as this…"

"HOW DO WE SLEEP AT NIGHT KNOWING THE AUTHORESS IS THERE WATCHING OUR EVERYMOVE?" Cloud screamed out in a panic.

"Oh that'z eazy… We get lazy and decide not to type while you guys' sleep… I call it a "If I don't pee now I'm gonna explode" break. But then when we return from those brakes we usually take advantage of the time that we are feeling SO relieved to look into your minds and tell what you are dreaming to the whole world." RFC responded coolly like it really wasn't that big of a deal.

"IF I COULD I'D BE CURLED IN THE FETAL POSSITION WISHING YOU PEOPLE WOULD LET US LIVE OUR LIVES IN PEACE! BUT I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN'T" Cloud said as his arms began taking off his armor and messing up his hair.

"… Cloud…" RFC looked over to the blond in a very worried state.

"Help my poor and tortured soul……" He whispered before the new "Authoress" took complete control of him.

"Lord help us all…" RFC slowly backed away, as she knew all to well what was to happen next. Cloud got down on all fours and let a low-purr escape his lips.

"CLOUD'Z GONE FRIKKIN' HORNY! ZOMG I'M TOO YOUNG! MY VERGIN EARZ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" RFC screamed out at the top of her lungs… which wasn't high-pitched… oh no. What she lacked in having a high voice, she more than made up for in the volume.

Cloud veered back, clutching his ears for fear that they would explode. As he continued to wander back he tripped over the chair he had once resided in, did a backwards summersault, and hit his head on a wall where a high shelf held a large jar-like pot, that had to be very heavy due to the shelf started to bend toward the middle.

The jar wobbled and danced… and eventually fell of the shelf and onto Cloud's head. Causing the substance it was holding within it to spill all over him.

…Silence…

RFC looked over to Cloud wondering if approaching him wold be wise or prove to be her death. She didn't have to do anything for Cloud began to laugh…not like a 'ha ha" kind of laugh… more like the 'ZOMG I'M GONNA SUMMON A COMMET AND BLOW YOU TO SMITHERINES-WHEN HERE I AM WORSHIPING MY MOTHER!' kind of laugh. Low and sinister at first, but it quickly grew into something to fear.

Cloud raised his arms to remove the pot from his head causing the substance to spill on the floor. Oh how RFC knew this substance all to well… Sugar…

"The time has come…" Cloud's face curled itself into that grin the Grinch made when he got the idea to steal Christmas.

"The time for what?" RFC asked… Clearly having no idea what was gonna happen next.

"A dance…" Cloud hissed in a whisper that rushed passed RFC's cat ears, as well as the blur of Cloud's figure-down the hall, and to god only knows where then.

"A… dance?" RFC Was clearly confuzed… Everything was a blur to her simple minded brain… when she remembered something from the last chapter. "Vincent…" She said as the name hung on her breath for quite some time. She was about the chase the blond Bishie she adored so, when she caught something purple in the spot where Cloud had once been ready to lunge at her. There they were… as real as real could be… Cloud's purple… or are they navy? Pants. And not to far from it there was his sweater… and dear god… a pair of boxers with little purple hearts with black wings sprouted from them.

"C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cloud… IZ FRIKKIN' NUDE ! AND HE PASSED ME WITHOUT ME BARFING! ………… OH… wait… nudity… Cloud… dance… OMFG CLOUD'S GONNA GO YAOI! … now iz that good or bad…? I can never tell…" RFC Thought as she gathered his shirt and pants… Leaving his boxers to be picked up by the fangirls that will soon catch on and sell 'em off Ebay. "My life'z nevah eazy… Eh… but what do I care…?" RFC shrugged off as she began walking down the hallway Cloud ran down to "Warn" the others. But to RFC's demise she had absolutly no sence of urgency… so by the time she gets to the others they might as well all be poisoned with the mental images of Cloud's nude behind plastered on ever wall of every fangirls' room…

"Might wanna end the chapter here Yuffie… You'll be typing for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time… if you wanna sit there and tell my slow-paced story of how I never rush anywhere…" RFC Said sad she eyed the new authoress out of the corner of her nearsighted eyes and with the 'ching' of her glasses.

"Good idea..." Yuffie nodded.

-end chapter 2...


End file.

Final Fantasy VII, Humor