Harry Potter Double Mayhem

**Disclaimer: Don't own it.**

**A/N: I wrote this for a humor contest on Third Floor Corridor (you can find the link on my profile). It's the best I can do!

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"Mr. Potter, I'm so glad you could make it," said Dumbledore as Harry walked into the room. _Yeah, because I really had a choice,_ Harry thought as he closed the door. It was the winter holiday, and Gyffindor tower was completely empty except for Harry. Because of the war, now that the Ministry has announced that Voldemort has indeed returned, everybody wanted to spend as much time with their families as possible, which left Harry alone for a month.

He was about to sit down when he saw that Snape was sitting, his arms crossed and a very, _very_ irritated look on his face, in the seat that Harry usually sat in.

"Er . . . am I in trouble for something?" Harry asked, wondering what could involved Snape. He was sure he didn't do anything against the rules, except for a few after-curfew trips to the kitchens, but surely that didn't cause for more punishment than points and a detention.

"Of course not, Mr. Potter. Please, sit," Dumbledore said, and Snape scowled. Whether it was at him or Dumbledore, Harry wasn't sure, but he had a feeling that it was at both. "Now, since there are no Slytherins here during the holiday and you Mr. Potter are the only Gryffindor, I would like to ask a favor of both of you," the headmaster continued, a scary smile on his face. "I will be gone for the next day, and Minerva will be too busy with the school to help."

"Would you please get to this _favor_," snapped Snape, who was looking far more cross than before.

"Of course. One of my granddaughters will be bringing by her children shortly, as she will be out of the country for two weeks. I was hoping that you two wouldn't mind taking care of them."

"What?" both Snape and Harry said, bewildered, at the same time. "Sir, I can't take care of kids!" Harry finished.

"Nonsense," said Dumbledore, before Snape was able to input. " And you wouldn't be alone, Professor Snape will be there to help. Since it will be highly inconvenient to be in either the dungeons or Gryffindor tower tonight, chambers have been set up for the two of you and the children. You each will have separate rooms, and two rooms will be set up for the children. Now, go along. Dobby is waiting outside my office to bring you two there. As soon as my great-grandchildren arrive, I will bring them there."

Both Snape and Harry were soon outside the gargoyle, stunned, and not paying much attention to the jumpy Dobby before them. Neither of them could figure out _how_ exactly they got stuck with this, and with the other at that.

"I must go," Snape said, and left, leaving Harry alone with Dobby.

"Hey, wait! I can't take care of the kids myself!" Harry yelled after him, but Snape didn't bother responding. _At least there should only be two of them, _Harry thought. _Dumbledore said there was only two rooms for them_. He blankly followed Dobby, who was talking incessantly about socks or something, wondering how Snape could just leave him like that. _At least I don't have to worry about him being snarky to me_, he thought. _Wait, how many 'at leasts' am I going to go through this week?_

Harry shook his head, deciding to watch where Dobby was leading him. It wouldn't do to get lost trying to find the Great Hall, or the Entrance Hall for that matter. Eventually, they stopped in front of a portrait of kids playing on swings. There were three kids in the painting, one girl and two boys, all looking about the same age. Harry was at a loss of what to do when the girl finally noticed Harry and Dobby.

"Harry Potter, I assume?" she asked, and Harry nodded. "I was told Professor Snape was also supposed to be here. Oh, well. So much the better for us. I don't like him very much. What would you like the password to be?"

Harry nearly burst out laughing, hearing the girl talk like that, but stopped himself and tried to think of a password. _What would annoy Snape?_ he wondered. _Something that he wouldn't want to say . . . if he ever comes around. Which I hope he doesn't!_ It was two whole minutes before anything came to mind, and by that time, the girl in the painting was tapping her foot impatiently. "How about . . . 'Gryffindor socks?'" he said, thinking about the house elf at his foot, who started jumping at the mention of socks.

"Of all the possible passwords, you choose 'Gryffindor socks?'" said the shorter boy in the painting. "Fine, whatever you want," he continued, opening the portrait up, and Harry entered.

"Master Dumbledore will be here shortly!" Dobby said. "I musts be getting backs to the kitchens."

"Bye, Dobby," Harry replied, then closed the door after the elf popped out. He was instantly jealous of the kids that were going to be playing in that room; there were more different kinds of toys than Dudley ever had, and that was saying something! Deciding to look around that room later, Harry went to find the room that was going to be his for the next week.

The first door he opened, he seriously hoped it was Snape's. The decorating wasn't bad, but it felt . . . eerie. Disliking the room, he went to the next door. The first thing he noticed was that it was decorated for a girl. The next thing he noticed, was that there were two beds.

_Shoot_, came to his mind immediately. That meant there were at least three kids to take care of. Harry was sure he could take care of two on his own, but what if Snape never came to help? Wanting to be prepared, Harry checked the next room and saw it was decorated for a boy. Two more beds and . . . _A crib! That's five kids!_

Harry never thought a time would come where he'd wish for Snape to be around, but here it was. He could _not_ take care of five kids, especially if one was a baby. Harry had _no idea_ how to take care of a baby. Trying to avoid thinking about it, Harry checked the last room, one that was _obviously_ his, decorated in Gryffindor colors. He was about to collapse on the bed when there was a knock on the door, and Harry cursed Dumbledore's timing.

What he found when he opened the door was not what he expected. There was Snape, arms crossed and a glare in his eyes (nothing unusual about that), with Dobby holding on to Snape's robes, the house elf jumping up and down.

"Heres is Professor Snape, Mr. Harry Potter, sir! Headmaster Dumbledores said you be needing him," said the rather energetic elf.

"Er . . . thanks, Dobby," Harry answered uncertainly, inwardly groaning. Yeah, he wished for Snape to be here, but not against Snape's will. That could end up being just . . . _dangerous_. Snape didn't say anything, just tore his robes from Dobby's grip and stalked into the room. Harry was closing the door when he saw Dumbledore, holding a small child, and several children following him. Groaning, out loud this time, Harry left the door open and plopped down on a very soft chair.

"Believe me, Potter, I'm not any happier about this than you are," sneered Snape, arms still crossed, grimacing at the sounds of the excited children. Harry shot a quick look at Snape, then at the door and waited for the arrival of the kids and Dumbledore. A minute later, they entered. Dumbledore and all five of the kids. Harry stole a quick glance at Snape, and was torn between feeling overwhelmed and wanting to burst out laughing at the expression on the man's face. He was _not_ expecting five kids.

"What are you smiling at?" Snape hissed at Harry, before turning to the kids. He looked as if he were about to say something when he turned to Dumbledore, then back to Harry. Finally, he settled on crossing his arms and glaring at Harry. It did succeed in making Harry uncomfortable, but he did his best to not show it.

"Good, you are both here already. Now, this little guy here," Dumbledore said, handing the one year old to Harry, "is Tristan. He's the youngest, a little over one year. The next, three years old, is Georgia, then Ashley, four. They usually play with each other more than the others. Marc, here, is seven, and Danny is ten. He'll be starting Hogwarts next year, so he'll probably have a lot of questions about the castle. Feel free to answer all his questions.

"Now, I really must be on my way. If you are in need of anything, call a house elf, or, if its important, Professor McGonagall. I'm sure you'll have no problem at all." With that, Dumbledore left, leaving the five kids, Harry, and Professor Snape in the room. Harry looked at the kid in his arms as the child started crying.

"Would you make it shut up?" Snape asked, with an irritated look.

"'It' happens to be a he. And I don't know how!" Harry answered.

"Walk around with him," said Danny. "And pat him on his back. Of course, he's probably hungry . . ." Harry did as suggested, to no prevail. After about the twentieth lap around the room and the baby still crying. Harry sat down with a sigh, took a quick glance at Snape (who hadn't moved since he arrived), then watched Danny as he went through a bag with moving cats and dogs on it.

"Here," the ten year old said. "Put him in his high chair, then feed him this." Danny was holding a jar of some sort with a baby on the label. Harry didn't catch the name. "I'll do it, if you want me to."

"Yes, please," Harry begged, ignoring Ashley and Georgia's sudden giggles.

"Well, then, put him in the chair!" the boy ordered. Harry did so, then turned around to find out what Snape and the others were doing. Snape was nowhere in sight, and the two girls were covered in paint. Marc, thankfully, was sitting quietly, coloring on some paper.

"Girls!" Harry said, perhaps a little too loud, because they both jumped. "What are you doing?"

"Painting! Look!" the younger girl said, holding up a piece of paper which had much less paint on it than everywhere else. Harry couldn't make out what the painting was supposed to be. "Er . . . nice . . .Georgia. Isn't the paint supposed to stay on the paper?"

"I guess," said Ashley. "But that's not fun. Look at mine! It's a cat!" Harry didn't think it looked anything like a cat, but he nodded anyway. Really, it looked more like a pile of brown poop with eyes, but Harry wasn't going to say anything.

"Er . . . how about we set them aside to dry and . . . er . . . get you cleaned up." The girls nodded, and Harry, getting paint all over his hands, put the paintings on the table. "I'll get the bath ready, then you to can wash yourselves . . ."

"Nuh uh," said Ashley, shaking her head. "Mama says we can't take a bath alone 'cause we might drown. Someone has to be there."

"What?" Harry nearly yelled. "Bu-but . . . Snape! Professor Snape!" he said, really yelling this time. When he didn't get an answer, he ran to the first place he could think of: the mans temporary room. Opening the door (getting paint on the door knob), he ran in and he felt like he was going to curse the man. Snape was sitting in a chair, _reading_.

"What, Potter?" snapped Snape.

"The two girls are full of paint. They need a bath."

"And?"

"They said they can't be alone in the water!"

"And you are incapable of bathing them?"

"Of course!" Harry yelled. "The-they're _girls_! I can't give girls baths! That's just _wrong_!"

"Potter, they are children. Just give them their bath."

"No. I can't. You."

"Me, Potter?" sneered Snape.

"If _you_ don't have a problem with giving girls a bath, _you_ give them it. I'm _not_," Harry stated with a stomp of his foot. Snape sighed sharply and put his book gently on the table next to the chair, getting up.

"You are so childish, Potter. Can't even take care of a few children."

"I don't see you helping," Harry snapped, not caring about the consequences. "Like you are _suppose_ to be."

"You will _not_ speak to me in that way, Potter," hissed Snape. "Detention, tomorrow at seven." Snape then left the room. Harry was just about to follow, sullen from the detention he got already, when he hadn't been with the man for more than fifteen minutes.

"Harry!" he heard Danny call from the main room. "Harry! Tristan pooped! He needs his diaper changed!" Harry groaned. _At least Tristan's a boy_, he thought, thankful for that.

"Er . . . can't you do it?" Harry called back, wanting to hide.

"Ew! No! I only change the diaper if it's pee. I'm not touching poop!" Harry sighed, resigning himself to his fate.

"Could you tell me how, then?" Harry asked, walking into the main room. "I've never changed a diaper before."

"Oh, it's not that hard. Just make sure he doesn't pee on you. He thinks it's funny to pee when he doesn't have a diaper on."

"Great," mumbled Harry. "Okay, what do I do?" Harry looked at Tristan, then back at Danny.

"First, you have to put him on the changing table."

"And . . . where is that?"

"Oh, um. Did you check the room we are going to sleep in?"

"No . . ." Harry said slowly. He wasn't sure exactly what a changing table looked like, so he couldn't say if he saw it in there or not. "Can you check? It's in that room," he said, pointing to the door of the boy's room. Danny ran there and checked.

"Yup!" he yelled from inside. "Bring him here!" Harry went to Tristan and brought him to the room.

"You stink, you know that, right?" he asked the baby, and Tristan laughed.

"Poopy!"

"Yes, poopy," grumbled Harry, entering the room. "Where do I put him?"

"Here," said Danny, pointing to the changing table and rolling his eyes. Harry did so, glad to get the sticky baby out of his arms. "Then you take off his pants, and unpin the diaper." Harry did that also, and nearly puked. The smell was terrible.

"What do I do with the diaper?" Harry asked, covering his mouth and nose with his robes.

"The poop goes in the toilet. A house elf will take the dirty diaper. But before you put on a new diaper, you have to clean him. Make sure you get _everywhere_, or he'll get a diaper rash, then he'll be crabby. I don't like him crabby," Danny said, handing Harry some weird wet wipes. "Use these." Harry put the dirty diaper aside for a bit before wiping Tristan. After that was done, Danny handed Harry a clean cloth diaper, and Harry looked at it strangely.

"Here," Danny said, taking the diaper. I'll put it on, and you put the poop down the toilet." Harry gladly took the dirty diaper into the bathroom forgetting that Snape was giving the girls a bath.

"Oh!" Harry said, covering his eyes, and backing up. "Er . . . this needs to go in the toilet," he said, holding the diaper up.

"Give that to me, Potter," Snape hissed, but Harry could have sworn it sounded like he was laughing. Once Snape had the diaper, Harry left the room, and Snape turned to the girls, who were playing _very_ annoyingly in the water.

"Can't you just take your bath and be done with it?" Severus asked, irritated that the two girls weren't intimidated by him.

"No," said Ashley. "That's no fun. "Why have a bath if you can't play?"

"To get clean," Severus said flatly. "Which you are. Out," he said, picking the younger girl up out of the water, wrapping her in the towel. The older girl whined but got out anyway. Severus was glad they got out so easily. Getting them _in_ was hard enough. First, the water was too hot, then too cold, then they needed to get clean clothes _before _they got in. They couldn't wait until _after _their bath, when they were clean, so they wouldn't get the clean clothes full of paint.

While the girls were getting dressed, Severus took care of the dirty diaper, quickly rinsing it out, then throwing it on the pile of clothes full of paint for the house elves to collect.

"Now, go play with something _clean_," Severus said, opening the bathroom door. Outside of the bathroom, he stifled a laugh. Potter was trying hard to clean the now-dried paint off the floor, with no luck. He was going to suggest some cleaning potions or spells, but decided to let the brat figure it out for himself. He was about to go back to his room until it was time for the kids to eat (he didn't trust Potter to feed them anything healthy), when he nearly ran into Dumbledore, who had just stepped in front of him.

"I thought you were gone until tomorrow?" Severus asked flatly.

"I was, but when I arrived, I realized they didn't need me. Quite convenient, if you ask me. I trust all has gone well, so far? The kids have behaved?"

"It's gone okay," Harry answered, getting up from his scrubbing. "They've . . . behaved," he said with hesitation, and Snape smirked.

"Good, good," Dumbledore said. "I suppose I can take them from here. Unless you wish to spend more time with them?"

"No!" Harry and Snape said together. "I have . . . things I'd rather be doing," continued Snape, and Harry nodded, agreeing.

"Ah, yes," Dumbledore answered, a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. "Must prepare for that detention tomorrow?" he asked, and Harry stared at him accusingly.

"How did you know about that?" he asked, suspicious. Dumbledore didn't answer, just pushed him gently to the door.

"Now, as you two said, you have thing you must be doing. Having a good time!" he said cheerfully, letting the two out. Snape and Harry glared at the closed door for a few seconds before turning to each other. Harry was about to say something, but settled for glaring at the man glaring at him. Without a word, the Gryffindor and Slytherin went their ways, both dreading the detention the next evening.


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor