Star Wars Sometimes I Have Nightmares

Sometimes I Have Nightmares 

By lightsabermaster

Acknowledgements: Special thanks to **The dancing Cavalier**, **PadawanMage**, **liberty161**, and **Psychodragon666** for reviewing my first fan fiction, The Blue Blade. Without your reviews, I never would have been inspired to finish this story.

Note: Parts of this story may be AU.

Disclaimer: All characters and locations belong to George Lucas; I'm just borrowing them for a while.

Rating: K+ for references to Padme's pregnancy.

Summary: A collection of personal perspectives from those most affected by Anakin's fall.

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I stand on the balcony overlooking the city, and reflect on how much my life has changed in the past three standard months. Democracy has died and dictatorship has been born. Hope has been lost and despair has taken its place. I know I should have seen the corruption in the Senate, but I was so concerned with the war I didn't even think about the politics behind it. I only saw ideas on how to get it resolved. I keep wondering if I could have somehow prevented all this. If there was something I could have done. But I always come back to the same conclusion. Nobody could have stopped the darkness from capturing our galaxy. Not even the Jedi.

Ahhh, the Jedi. The galaxy seems so empty and dangerous without them. Decades ago, whenever problems arose you could always find a Jedi. Not anymore. The only Jedi that still live are in hiding, and only I hold the secret to their whereabouts. Every day I wonder if **he** knows that I know. I know that's really impossible, but still, at any moment I expect him in all his evil glory to lead his 'stormtroopers' to my door and take me away. Time was when he was a friend, and a great Jedi warrior. Now, he's a terror. The mere mention of the name Darth Vader causes even mynocks and womp rats to scurry for cover. It amazes me that someone so evil could create anything good, but my little girl is proof that it can happen. Leia is such a sweetheart. When she smiles at me, I can almost forget the pain her father caused the galaxy. The pain he caused her mother.

Every day when I see our baby girl, I am reminded that her real mother is no longer with us. Not that that's such a bad thing, after all. Anakin Skywalker broke her heart. At least now she has a semblance of peace. And whenever I think of Amidala, I must wonder how her son is, how his protector is, how Yoda is. I always wonder whether or not they're alright. Sometimes, I have nightmares that they're all dead by Darth Vader's hand. But I force those dreams from my mind. All I can do now is live for the present and prepare for the future. A future for my daughter. That's all I really want.

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One thing I can say for Tatooine, it has a steady climate. Even after a year of living here, I can't tell the difference between the hot season and the not-so-hot season. Yesterday I traveled down from my home here in the Dune Sea to see Luke. It was an extremely hot trip, but when I got there, Owen Lars practically threw me out. He said that my 'old-fashioned ideals' were what had caused all this trouble in the first place, and that he would not, under any circumstances, allow me to contact the boy in any way. I told him of the dangers of undeveloped Force powers in beings, but he wouldn't listen. He even said that the _development_ of Force powers was what caused this whole thing, and that if Anakin had been left a slave, the galaxy would be safe yet. I guess he's right, from a certain point of view. He told me that I was to blame for Anakin's downfall, and that if I ever came within twenty miles of his property, he'd have his laser rifle at the ready. So, there was really nothing I could do after that but leave. But as I left, I saw Beru standing in the door of their dome, holding a very restless Luke in her arms. I could tell by the look in her eyes that she was trying, in her own way, to make sure that my trip was not entirely in vain. I wish I could have thanked her. I talked the incident over with Qui-Gon when I got back.

"_Obi-Wan,"_ he told me, _"Owen Lars is carrying a lot of bitterness. So many of the people he's loved have died. His mother, his stepmother, his father, and now his stepbrother. He doesn't want the boy he's come to care for like a son to confront such a terrible fate, so he strikes out against what he perceives as the cause of that possible fate. But to be honest, in his mind, it's all his fault. He thinks he should have done something—anything—to stop this chain of events, but he can't figure out what. It is his shortcomings, not yours, that he's berating, Obi-Wan. Just keep that in mind."_

"Yes, Qui-Gon." I replied. "But, what if Owen never relents? Luke is the last hope of the Jedi. If he is never trained, he can never defeat the evil that has taken over. Our only hope will be destroyed."

_"The Force will have its way in time, Obi-Wan. Be patient. Luke will become a Jedi. And I have faith that he will either redeem his father, or destroy him. Either way, the fog of the dark side is lifted, and the galaxy will be at peace once again."_

"But what if he chooses the dark path? I keep having visions of Luke and Vader fighting on the same side."

_"That is why he must not yet know his father's true identity."_

"But is it fair to him to keep it a secret?"

_"When the time is right, you will know. And you will tell him of his heritage then."_

With that, Qui-Gon left me to my meditation in the Tatooine twilight.

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It's been such a long time, two years, in fact, but I still remember it well. I should have been there to protect her, but she insisted I stay behind. _"We'll be safe," _she said. _"Besides, it's personal."_

Ever since my career started, milady was there. My uncle was her Security Chief when she was queen. I was just a junior officer then, but I remember how dedicated he was to her safety. I remember being proud that she'd chosen _my_ uncle to protect her. When she led our team to recapture the palace from the Trade Federation, I saw that she was really a very special lady, as good on the battlefield as she was on the throne. And I was proud to become her Head of Security when she stepped down to become a Senator. That was twelve years ago. Before she saw Anakin again, and fell in love.

Yes, I knew. I saw it from the time he and Master Kenobi came to help protect milady just before the vote on the Military Creation Act. Dorme and I both saw it. I thought it was just a passing infatuation. She knew otherwise. We both knew it couldn't last.

I really didn't think anything of it, until he started visiting on his way to and from different places. I wouldn't even know about _that_, except that I asked her protocol droid some questions one day. So, when she became pregnant, I immediately suspected Anakin. Even though he's a Jedi. Or was. Until the Jedi were wiped out by the Emperor's apprentice. It's hard to believe, the man we all trusted with the safety of the Republic has now been its demise. He and his Sith apprentice are now the worst tyrants in history. Especially since Darth Vader killed milady and the child she was carrying. There are some rumors, whispered only in the darkest, most secret places, that Darth Vader is actually Anakin Skywalker turned evil. I really don't know if those rumors are true. I hope they're not, because if they are, milady's love was misplaced and her heart was broken. I wouldn't wish that on Darth Vader himself.

Bail Organa and Mon Mothma have asked me to head a small part of the new Rebel Alliance. I've got humans from all over the Naboo system, and even a few Gungans, former Representative Binks included. In a few months, we'll move to a more central location. Perhaps there I can do some good against the Empire, and against the man who murdered milady.

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Hmmm. Four years, it has been. Four long and trying years. Tighten his grip constantly, the Emperor does. Of him and Vader, everyone is afraid.

While in fear, the galaxy lives, at peace am I. Like this planet, I do. Like it, too, Qui-Gon does. The Living Force, strong it is here. Much life on this planet there is. Much life. A tree, I found, filled with the dark side. A shield, it is, so find me Vader cannot.

Tell me, Qui-Gon does, of Skywalker's children. Growing up, they are. Leia, a princess she is, heir to the throne of Alderaan. Fit her, it does; a queen, her mother was. Luke, a farmer is he. Let Obi-Wan train him, his family will not. Sad this is. Rest in young Luke's hands, the fate of the galaxy does. Felt it, I have. If a Jedi he does not become, overthrown, Vader can never be.

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Last night, I had a scary dream. I think it was because of my birthday. I turned seven yesterday, and I had Biggs, Tank, and Fixer over for a party. Camie wanted to come, too, but we wouldn't let her 'cause she's a girl. We had blue milk and pallies for dessert, and Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen gave me a model landspeeder. It was wizard! Biggs and Fixer had brought their model landspeeders with them, so we had races. Mine won four times out of nine! Tank was the scorekeeper, but I let him have a turn with my 'speeder once, after we finished the races. Then, it was getting dark, so Biggs's and Tank's dads came to get them and take them home. Fixer rode home with Tank, 'cause his dad's in Anchorhead to trade for some parts and he won't be home until tomorrow.

So I got to thinking, what would it be like to have a dad? I mean, Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen are really great, but maybe it'd be nice to have a _real _family, with a mom and a dad, and maybe even a sister, if she wasn't too annoying. But then Uncle Owen told me it was time to go to bed. Aunt Beru kissed me goodnight and I took my 'speeder with me to put on my shelf. As I undressed and got in bed, I was still imagining what it'd be like to have a family. My mom would tuck me and my sister into bed at night and sing us a song. My dad would read us a story or tell us about exciting things he'd done when he was a boy. And then they'd turn the lights out, but we'd still hear them softly laughing and talking in the living room until we fell asleep. I guess I went to sleep during the time I was imagining, because suddenly I saw me, my mom, my dad, and my sister all in a room. A tall man with a beard and a scary-looking man were there too. The bearded man was talking to my dad, then the scary man started talking to him, too. And a big black monster that breathed really loud came in and killed my dad and mom, and it tried to kill the bearded man, but couldn't. It didn't seem to notice my sister and me, and it talked to the scary man. The scary man went away with the monster, and then a nice man came in and took my sister away, and the bearded man took me away. But even though the monster was gone, I could still hear it breathing. Then I woke up and Aunt Beru was standing there. She sat down beside me and hugged me until I stopped crying. She asked what I'd been dreaming, and I told her. She told me that it was only a dream and to go back to sleep, but she looked worried when she left. And somehow, I knew that it wasn't just a dream. It was real. I was scared to go back to sleep, but I hugged my old stuffed bantha and I was asleep again in a few minutes.

This morning at breakfast, Uncle Owen told me about my parents. My dad worked as a navigator on a space freighter that crashed into an asteroid belt. My mom had loved him so much that she died too, so she could be with him. They left me with my dad's brother, who is Uncle Owen. I asked about the other people in my dream; my sister, the monster, the scary man, the nice man, and the bearded man. For some reason, Uncle Owen got really mad and told me that they weren't real, just a dream, and to forget about it. Then he sent me to do my chores. But I _know_ they're real, I won't forget, and someday I'm going to find out all about them.

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It is sunny today, another typical Naboo spring. The wind is warm, and it brings with it the scent of flowers. Shaaks graze in the meadows near the waterfalls. This was her favorite time of year, the time when everything is fresh and new. Every day, almost, it seems she should still be here. Even after eleven years, I still feel that I should find a message from her on the comm, or see yet another story about her on the Holonet.

I don't know why she never told me about her pregnancy. I'm her mother, after all; that's what I'm here for. I remember how I used to tease her about becoming an old maid. _You've got to find a husband, Padme_, I'd tell her. _Someone who'll give me more grandkids._

Well, I'm never going to see my other grandchild. I'm never even going to know whether the baby was a boy or a girl.

Ruwee and I, after Padme left us, decided to find out who the father of her child was. It turned out that that nice young man she brought home—I think he was a Jedi—and she had been married for _three years_. Imagine that, my daughter being married for three years and never telling me. But anyway, he died in the war. I think Padme died of a broken heart. But at least they're together now; she, and her husband, and their child. But, I only wish they were together in this world, instead of the next.

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Today is my first day on the Galactic Senate, and I'm nervous. I know I've had the best training, but I don't know if I'm ready to be a Senator. I already know that my election has been strongly opposed, because the youngest-ever Senator was 22. No one thinks that a 15-year-old can handle the pressures of the Senate.

But I can. Bail has made sure of that. I've not only been trained in diplomacy and negotiating, but I'm able to think on my feet. Which is essential, because I have a deep, dark secret; one no one must ever guess. My father is the head of the Rebellion.

I first suspected something when I was ten. Bail would disappear into the underground office for hours at a time, with strict orders that he was not to be disturbed. But one day, while he was down there, I sneaked down and listened at the door. I heard very little, just snatches of conversations and a few words, but I was immediately curious. Who was my father talking to? And why hadn't I seen anyone come in?

So, like any child, every time my father had one of those meetings, I'd go and listen. I never heard anything much, but that didn't stop me. Then, one day, my mother came looking for me and found me there, crouched by the door. The next day, my father sat down with me.

"_Leia,"_ he said.

"_Yes, Daddy?"_

"_You understand that you've done a very naughty thing, don't you?"_

"Yes, Daddy. I'm sorry." I started to cry.

"_Don't cry, sweetie,"_ he said. _"It's alright. You just need to tell me everything you heard."_

I told him that I could never hear much of anything except a few words. When he spoke again, he sounded relieved. _"You must never tell anyone about this. If you do, daddy will be in very much danger. Don't ever do that again, honey. When the time is right for you to know, I'll tell you." _

He hugged me and sent me out to play with Winter.

When I was thirteen, he decided that the time was right. After that, I started going on some of his missions with him, and recently I've started running the meetings when he's gone to the Senate. Which brings me back to the present.

I'm ready to go. I'm wearing my best gown, and I've combed my hair up into two coiled braids. In just a few minutes, we're going to land on Imperial Center. I see Bail walking toward me with a big smile on his face. "It's almost time," he says. "Are you ready?"

I breathe deeply and reply. "Yes. I'm ready."

He looks at me. "You're beautiful, Leia. You look exactly like your mother."

I blush. "I think she would be proud to have me follow in her footsteps."

The ship is landing, and Bail offers me his arm. "I think so, too."

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He should have been home by now. It's getting dark and he knows it's too dangerous to be out wandering at night. I guess I worry too much. After all, he is eighteen years old and perfectly capable of caring for himself. But I can't help worrying. He's like my own son.

His food is getting cold. I start pacing, and as I pace, I remember.

_A tiny figure rises up from the horizon. It takes a long time, but it finally grows large enough to make out its shape. It's a man, riding an eopie. I know who it is, and why he's here. He stops in front of our home and makes his mount kneel. As I walk to meet him, he pulls a bundle out of his robe and hands it to me. "His name's Luke," he says. I pull back the cloth to see the baby's face. He looks so trusting and innocent. I smile to the man. "Thank you." I say. I know Owen wants to see the baby, too. He was devastated when he learned we couldn't have children, and Luke is making his dream of having a family come true. I turn to see Owen standing on the rise just outside our home, silhouetted by the twin suns as they set. I walk over to him and he turns to me, and his face fills with joy when I show him our Luke. And we turn and watch the twin suns set, together._

I find myself standing in the doorway, staring at the setting suns. _He's growing up too fast_, I think. _Next season he's going off to the Academy, and then what will I do?_ Suddenly, I hear the whine of an approaching 'speeder. Luke's skyhopper. His repulsors kick up a cloud of dust as he lands in the courtyard and jumps out.

"Luke." I hurry to him.

"I'm sorry I'm so late, Aunt Beru," he says as he hugs me. "I hope I didn't make you worry too much."

"Oh, you know me, Luke. Never could stop worrying about you." He grins back at me as we walk together toward the house.

"What's for dinner? I'm starved. Just wait 'til I tell you what I did today! I was racing through that part of Beggar's Canyon…"

The suns dip below the horizon.

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_It's dark here. The darkness is so dark, I can feel it. I'm trapped. At first I struggled a lot, but that tired me so much that now I pretty much just save my strength. I still kick against the walls, but they're stronger now than they used to be, and I'm weaker. My cell keeps getting smaller. As more and more of what used to be me is taken over by this monster that's masquerading as me, I keep getting pushed into a smaller and smaller space. _

_He tries to make me forget who I was. Who I am. "I am you now, whether you like it or not," he tells me. "Not what you'd planned, is it? Where's the great Jedi Master now? You don't exist anymore." But I remember. I'll always remember._

_He does terrible things. He kills for pleasure, and delights in torturing innocent beings. He makes me watch what he does, because he knows it torments me. "Take that," he says. "And that!" And I cry.

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Thanks for reading, and please review!


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Star Wars, Angst