Bleach 1. Introduction: Aizen and Reason's Sarcasm

Yet Another Bleach Truth or Dare

There have been a lot of these, but I want to do one of my own, just because.

Reason: Okay, I'm going to be running this a bit differently. I will feature only a small cast of characters in each chapter. The cast for the next chapter will be made known at the bottom. I will save truths/dares received for characters who aren't part of the cast for that chapter until they are featured.

Aizen: Very logical of you.

Reason: …Oh, my God.

Aizen: No, my name's Aizen, but close enough.

Reason: Look, you, you may not want to become God, okay?

Aizen: Oh? And why is that?

Reason: …He owes me money. Now, Aizen will be cohosting this with me…

Aizen: I refuse to accept any inferior or cooperative position. I will rule!

Reason: Psychopathic megalomaniac. Anyway, Aizen will be cohosting, and therefore will ALWAYS be open for truths and dares. Especially demeaning ones. *evil smirk*

Aizen: When I am God, you will…

Reason: If you become God, you will owe me money, dammit. Now shut up and let me finish! Okay. So. Rules for this little party here! Give it up for Yamamoto-soutaicho!

Yamamoto: What…Where is this?

Reason: I figured you were the best guy to hand down rules and such. Here. *hands paper*

Yamamoto: Oh. Ahem.

No yaoi dares will be accepted. Reason doesn't have the first idea of how to write it, for one thing, and she doesn't care for it anyway.

If you must dare Ichimaru Gin, make sure it won't backfire. Reason can handle him, but the collateral damage…well, let's just say it'll be…expensive.

Reason cannot write what she cannot understand. Please, when submitting truths and dares, use proper grammar and spelling.

Everyone who makes Inoue die inside will receive cookies! She's always open for violence.

For the love of everyone's favorite Kuchiki…(and she's not talking about Kuchiki Kouga here, folks)…please, PLEASE review! They feed Reason's soul and make her happy.

Reason: That wraps up the rules. Thank you, and goodbye, Soutaicho!

*Yamamoto vanishes in a puff of smoke*

Reason: Okay. Since I can't come up with anything fun myself, I'll now announce for you the cast for the first real chapter!

CAST:

Ishida Uryu

Abarai Renji

Madarame Ikkaku

Yamada Hanataro

Soi Fon

Shihoin Yoruichi

Senbonzakura the Zanpaku-to Spirit

Send in dares, everyone!


	2. Episode 1: Soi Fon Baiting & Other Sport

Reason: Hey there, everyone! This is the first episode, so let's get going. Bleach does not belong to Reason; Reason only owns Reason and any of her OCs that may appear during this series. Now that the lawyers are pacified…Hey, my supposedly-omniscient buddy, who's up first?

Aizen: What do you mean by 'supposedly'…?

Reason: Exactly what I said. Now, who's our first guest?

Aizen: First, we shall be taking Fanime-Sensei's requests!

Reason: Excellent. Oh, by the way, Fanime, thanks for being the first to request!

"_So, for Uryu you should dare him to make a pretty frilly girly dress and then he has to wear it in public. for Renji: truth, we all know he has a crush on Rukia, so what does he want to do to her? Soi Fon: truth, does she have a crush on Yoruichi? Yoruichi: dare, would she ever date a dog? XD Senbonzakura: dare, take off the freakin' mask!"_

Now, our first victim is…Ishida Uryu! Give it up for everyone's favorite Quincy!

Uryu: Hey! Aren't you supposed to cough and say something else after 'victim'?

Reason: I thought it was wrong to lie.

Uryu: …

Reason: Your first dare… is…

Uryu: The suspense is killing me.

Reason: Careful, or I might, bug spray boy. Now, the first part of your dare is to make a pretty, frilly, feminine dress.

Uryu: That's all? Easy.

Reason: Here's everything you'll need. *Uryu sits down in a corner with his supplies and begins working* Heh, sucker. Now, as the Quincy displays his excellent handicraft skills, let's take care of a couple of truths. We'll begin with Pineapple-fukutaicho.

Renji: HEY!

Reason: Calm down. If I have to beat you down, YOU will be paying to replace the studio. At least you only have a truth this time.

Renji: Let's hear it.

Reason: Fanime says: "We all know you have a crush on Rukia, so what do you want to do to her?"

Renji: *very seriously and solemnly* I want to protect her. I want to be able to hold on forever and never let her go.

Aizen: I see… Thank you, Abarai-fukutaicho.

Reason: Dammit, Aizen, you're not allowed to use others' deep feelings as playthings! Wasn't Momo enough for you?

Aizen: No. Not really. *smirk*

Reason: …You're sick and twisted, you know that? Now, Renji, that's boring. It's pretty obvious how protective you are-so, what would you like to do physically?

Renji: I…never really considered it before… I didn't think I was allowed to consider it until after I surpassed Kuchiki-taicho…

Reason: Which ain't gonna happen, just FYI, so think about it.

Renji: *Stars appear in his eyes and his nose begins to drip blood*

Reason: Oh God. *kneels on the floor*

Aizen: You called?

Reason: Aizen, this is not the time to be bantering with a freaking clairvoyant while Renji's over there broadcasting like a bloody-and I do mean that literally- television!

Uryu: I'm finished- Reason-san, are you all right?

Reason: You're just being polite because you haven't heard the rest of your dare yet…

Uryu: …

Reason: Knock Renji out for me, please. I may as well take advantage of your ignorance.

*Uryu punches Renji and knocks him out cold*

*Reason straightens up and looks entirely more healthy*

Reason: I knew there was a reason you were my favorite Quincy. Well, besides the fact that your father's a jerk. Now, on to the second part of Uryu's dare. Uryu…you're now going to have to wear that dress in public.

Uryu: *Shocked face*

Aizen: If memory serves correctly, there was a festival in Karakura Town today…

Reason: Look at that, you can be helpful if you try. See ya on TV, Uryu.

*He starts to protest, but Reason waves her hand and he is in the dress. She waves her hand again and he is gone.*

Reason: I am feeling a definite lack of my favorite Shinigami, so we're gonna go in non-chronological order and meet the face behind the mask, Senbonzakura!

*Senbonzakura appears in a puff of cherry blossom petals*

Reason: Stylish entrance.

Aizen: But Senbonzakura is a Zanpaku-to spirit, not a Shinigami.

Reason: Aizen, if the Zanpaku-to is here, the Shinigami is here in spirit. Now, Senbonzakura…Take off the mask.

Senbonzakura: I cannot.

Reason: You mean your master would appreciate me loosing Kusajishi-fukutaicho into his house on a sugar buzz?

Senbonzakura: *removes the mask for about two seconds*

Reason: You can't get me like that, Zakura-chan. *pulls up a small window of paused time that we can see images in* I have the All-Powerful Author Powers-the APAP- remember?

Aizen: I should look into becoming an author.

Reason: It shall not be permitted. *rewinds the window to show the fully revealed Senbonzakura's face. It is…just like the face of younger Byakuya, with an embarrassed look.*

Reason: That...I don't believe it…It's freaking adorable! *tackles in a flying hug*

Aizen: I will now give the next two requests from Fanime-sensei. First, a truth from Soi Fon.

Soi Fon: What am I doing here? What is this place?

Reason: This is a little game of truth-or-dare. You're getting a short break from Omaeda in exchange for one question.

Soi Fon: …That's an acceptable deal. What is the question?

Reason: "Do you have a crush on Yoruichi?"

Soi Fon: Ah! *blushes deeply* Yoruichi-sama…No…It's just professional admiration…

Reason: Oh, really now? Yoruichi-san, please come here.

Yoruichi: *comes out from behind a wall* Hey, Soi Fon, it's okay. You can say whatever you want.

Soi Fon: R-really?

Yoruichi: Yeah! You don't have to hesitate to compliment your predecessor!

Soi Fon: *mumbles* Yoruichi-sama…are you just teasing me? *runs off*

Reason: That was a little cruel, don't you think?

Yoruichi: I live to torment others.

Reason: Right… Hey, Yor, here's your dare.

Yoruichi: Bring it on. Can I break into Byaku-bo's house?

Reason: Not this time. Right now, Fanime wants to know: Would you ever date a dog?

Yoruichi: Hmm…if it were the right dog… *winks*

Reason: Yeah, Urahara does strike me as a bit of a dog. That's all for now, Yoruichi. See ya later.

Yoruichi: Hey, that's not what I meant. *shrugs* Oh, well. Soi Fon…! Come back!

Reason: She's already back in Soul Society, no doubt using Omaeda as a punching bag. Aizen, give the list for next time!

Aizen: How are you so cheerful? You only got one request.

Reason: Ahhh, but you see…yeah…you have a point. Everyone, please request. Reason needs to laugh sometimes, and I've seen bloody brilliant dares before. I'd love to get some of those over here. Now read, Aizen.

Aizen: As you will. Soon enough I will be the one in charge here.

Reason: Over my dead and blood-soaked corpse! Now read.

Aizen: Next time, we will feature:

Hitsugaya Toshiro-

Reason: Oh, Aizen, you'll have to go get us all parkas before we do it. He's prone to anger.

Aizen: Yes. If I may finish…

Hitsugaya Toshiro

Rukia Kuchiki

Ayasegawa Yumichika

Byakuya's Kenseikan-wait. What?

Reason: They were listed as a character in the popularity contests. We can use them to prank Byakkun.

Aizen: Ah, I see. Shouldn't you bring back Yoruichi in that case?

Reason: Even if I didn't, she'd show up for the pranks anyway, so she's a guest cohost next episode.

Byakuya's Kenseikan

Urahara Kisuke

Ulquiorra Cifer

Tosen Kaname

Aizen: When did I give you permission to borrow my Espada and my subordinates?

Reason: APAP, remember? Now, everyone, send in reviews with requests, or Aizen will have to give up on three square meals a day.

Aizen: Why am I the guilt trip?

Reason: You're right, everyone will want to starve you. I will have to give up on three square meals a day!

[In case you're just annoyed with the interruptions, here is the solid list.]

Hitsugaya Toshiro

Rukia Kuchiki

Ayasegawa Yumichika

Byakuya's Kenseikan-Send in ways to prank the "Hair Noodles" for the next time Byakuya puts them on!

Urahara Kisuke

Ulquiorra Cifer

Tosen Kaname

Shihoin Yoruichi as Guest Cohoster


	3. Episode 2: Pimp My Kenseikan

Reason: Gomen nasai, everyone. I'm sorry I'm so late, but I was forced to go camping with the morons-I mean family. Welcome once again to A Dose of Unreason. Yoruichi, you're the guest-you do the honors!

Yoruichi: Reason doesn't own Bleach-if she did, Byaku-bo would have beat me in tag at least once! She also does not own Ace Attorney, the home of Miles Edgeworth, logical genius and demon prosecutor, or any other references she may make.

Reason: Indeed-although if I did own them, the crossover game would be awesome. Aizen, you read the requests!

Aizen: First, we have a letter from PrincessElise320.

"_For Hitsugaya: Dare, have everyone call you Shiro-chan for a chapter and not tell them off for not using formalities._

_Rukia: Dare, admit you are a bad drawer _

_Yumichika: Dare, perm your hair and take off those things on your eyes._

_Kenseikan: Dare, kind of, colour them Rainbow colours and stick little strawberries onto them without Byakuya knowing_

_Kisuke: Truth, what is your honest opinion on Yoruichi? _

_Ulquiorra: Dare, disobey orders from Aizen for the whole chapter _

_Tosen: Truth, tell us if you really are blind, how you were able to spy on the intruders in Hueco Mundo, and how you just happen to know where you are going every time. And, if you truly know that you are black (no racism intended)_

_I like truth or dares, so good work on the chapter."_

Second is a letter from Fanime-Sensei once again. Thank you, Fanime; your loyalty will be remembered in the New World Order.

"_Toushiro: Dare, dye your hair hot pink! Rukia: Dare, glomp Byakuya in PUBLIC! Dun dun duh! Yumichika: Dare spend the entire day with an ugly person and be nice to them! ~Dare for Reason to do to the Kenseikan: put super awesome glue in the kenseikan so they get stuck when byakuya puts them on~ Kisuke: Dare, randomly kiss Yoruichi cuz we all know you like her and think shes super hot. XD Ulquiorra: Truth AND Dare (in respective order) Do you have a crush on Orihime Inoue? And whether you do or not, poke her boob. Tosen: Truth (and a crushing of his self-esteem) Do you ever feel bad about all the minorities you are in? Because you're black (I'm not racist hes just the only black male in the whole freaking show and black is a minority in real life yes), you're blind, you're a shinigami, you betrayed the Soul Society (A SUPER minority), and no one likes you."_

Reason: Aww, thanks, Elise-hime! Now, let's inform Shiro-chan of his Shiro-tastic dares…First, we shall need parkas.

*Reason hands the cast and Yoruichi nice black parkas. Aizen gets a bright lemon-yellow, retina-burning monstrosity*

Reason: Ooh, now unfold your butterfly wings and skip around like a fairy.

Aizen: *ignores* Shiro-chan, come here now.

Hitsugaya: That's Hitsugaya-taicho, and why would I obey you-HAH! *A very uncharacteristic snort followed by doubled-over laughing*

Reason: Shiro-chan, I love your sense of humor. Although you probably won't like me after this.

Hitsugaya: *wheeze* I don't understand…And it's Hitsugaya-taicho!

Reason: You have to dye your hair hot pink, and you can't tell us off for calling you Shiro-chan for the rest of the chapter.

Hitsugaya: Wh-WHAAAT?

Reason: It's Truth or Dare, and that's your dare.

Hitsugaya: That's a child's game! I'm not a kid!

*Air temperature begins to drop*

Reason: I knew parkas were a good idea. Shiro-chan, please. You don't want to look the coward in front of Aizen, do you?

Hitsugaya: …Fine. Give me the dye. *stalks off*

Aizen: You don't even need omnipotence to manipulate these people. You're almost as good as I am.

Reason: Look. You still languish at the level of one universe. The gap between us is like the gap between heaven and earth.

Aizen: …You're quoting.

Yoruichi: Someone's been talking to Byaku-bo. That's his style of speech, definitely.

Reason: Only the heaven and earth part. Languishing at any level is all Zommari. Speaking of everyone's favorite noble…We have a prank for Byakushie's Kenseikan now, so…let's get to it!

Yoruichi: All right! *holds the hairpieces aloft*

Reason: I've got the crafty stuff. Hold them still, Yoruichi!

*Reason paints the kenseikan rainbow and sprinkles glitter on them, along with sticking strawberry stickers on them*

Yoruichi: Now let's get them on him.

Reason: Because this is an obvious dare, and we need time to prepare defenses, I will be sending these by teleportation rather than calling Byakuya here. *waves her hand and the hair noodles vanish* Next…Rukia-chan, you're up.

*A cloud of snow appears and Rukia walks in*

Rukia: Truth or dare…I loved playing this with Inoue and the other girls. What do I have to do?

Reason: First, you must admit you are a bad drawer. Put away that marker-I'm immune to all but the strongest Kido spells, and you couldn't bind me.

Rukia: I'm an excellent artist! Matsumoto-fukutaicho says so, and so does Kusajishi-fukutaicho!

Reason: My point exactly.

Rukia: … Argh… *whispers very quietly* I am not an…excellent artist…

Reason: Don't feel bad. I mean, Byakushie's artistic skills-except for calligraphy-leave a lot to be desired as well. (Doesn't anyone else wonder why they're so similar if they're not actually blood relatives? They even look alike…) Your next dare is more fun, tho'.

Rukia: Don't you talk about Nii-sama like that! He's an amazing artist! I am nothing compared to him!

Reason: I'll admit that when he's painted a perfect world with the shades of Michelangelo. (Whoever gets that reference gets cookies.)

Rukia: …What is it I must do?

Reason: Why so serious…? Ah, whatever. Glomp Byakuya…in public.

Rukia: …

Reason: It's okay. I'll probably do it myself when he's part of the lineup.

Rukia: No…it's just that…what is a glomp?

Reason: Oh ho ho. Yoruichi, get Kisuke up here. You two can demonstrate.

Urahara: Hello, everyone 3 How are you today, Aizen? Having fun with my Hogyoku?

Aizen: Oh yes. Omnipotence is lovely.

Reason: Hat n' Clogs, please glomp Yoruichi. And keep it PG-13.

Urahara: Happy to oblige~

*Urahara tackles Yoruichi in a flying hug*

Reason: Fanime, that's my personal definition of the word-at least in PG-13- so if that wasn't quite what you meant, let me know and Rukia will return to carry out your expectations.

Rukia: Why are you making promises on my behalf?

Reason: Because I live but to serve. Except for Aizen; I live but to kick him when he's down. Now go express your sibling affection to Byakuya! I've got a bug on you, so if you don't glomp him, there will be hell to pay.

Rukia: Right… *departs*

Yoruichi: I've rigged the bug to open one of your display windows when she gets near Byaku-bo, Reason. The peacock comes in next.

Reason: You are so much more useful than Aizen, Yoruichi, thank you.

*A cloud of feathers appears*

Ayasegawa: This horrible place is hideous.

Reason: You pay the interior decorator, then! Aizen is being uncooperative and won't use Kyoka Suigetsu to make it look pretty.

Aizen: You never asked me to.

Reason: You claimed to be omnipotent! I thought you could read my mind!

Aizen: …Damn.

Reason: Ayasegawa, you will be spending the day with someone ugly in your view(I'm trying not to offend Ganju fangirls; they must exist, right? Even if they're endangered), and you have to be nice to them.

Ayasegawa: No, thank you.

Reason: I will rip off those feathers and strangle you with your own neck warmer… Strangling's such an ugly way to die, you know? All those bruises.

Ayasegawa: *pales* Who…who do I have to spend it with?

Reason: Eh, Ganju will do. No fighting, okay? Oh, and let me take those feathers off.

Ayasegawa: No!

*Reason smiles sadistically, like Gin*

Ayasegawa: *cowers* …Fine. Why would such a beautiful girl be so ugly on the inside?

*Ayasegawa goes over to a corner; Ganju walks in and sits down beside him*

Reason: Since you have to get a perm, I'll ignore the fact you called me ugly on the inside. My inside is very beautiful, thank you very much. My pancreas is so sexy, it's gotten marriage proposals! Now, Hat-and-Clogs…

Urahara: Yes~?

Reason: You are to kiss Yoruichi, then tell us what you think of her.

Urahara: That's not a problem. 3

*Urahara comes and gives Yoruichi a kiss, and they degenerate into a full-on makeout session*

Reason: Get a room, you two! I suppose that answers that question, ja?

*Hitsugaya returns, his hair a bright and fluffy pink*

Reason: It looks so soft…I want to pet it so bad… I can't call you Shiro-chan anymore, can I?

Hitsugaya: Grr…

Reason: I beg to differ, Shiro-chan.

*Suddenly, Byakuya walks in, the cloud of petals around him reflecting irritation. His hair is down and the sparkling, Ed Cullen-reminiscent kenseikan are in his hands*

Reason: Oh, God. No, Aizen, not a word! I need to concentrate so that you don't end up dead!

Aizen: Just me?

Reason: Yoruichi and I are in no danger. She's freakishly fast, and I can't die until Yukiko's story is complete… so you, fairy boy, are going to die if I can't calm him down.

Byakuya: What is the meaning of this?

Reason: Konnichiwa, Kuchiki-dono. If you don't mind, what is the problem?

Byakuya: … *Words are unnecessary to describe the aura around him as he brandishes the kenseikan at Reason, Yoruichi, and Aizen*

Reason: Oh… Yes. Well, you see...There was a dragon.

Byakuya: …I would like the truth, please.

Reason: Are you sure? I was going to tell an amazing story.

Byakuya: I shan't repeat myself.

Reason: Are you sure? There were dragons and pirates and things. *sighs* Okay, fine. See, Yoruichi dared me that I couldn't pull a prank on you of all people, and Fanime-Sensei requested that we glue up your Kenseikan, so I killed two birds with one stone.

Byakuya: *reaches for Senbonzakura* Who is this 'Fanime-sensei'.

Reason: Wait! It was a matter of pride! I can do anything to anyone, and get away with it. I'm better at the pranking thing than Ichimaru ever was! Yoruichi insulted my dignity. Surely you can understand…why I had to do it?

Byakuya: …I see. Then you will be the one washing them.

Reason: Can do, can do. Happy to oblige. *evil chuckle* Come on, Yoruichi.

IN THE BACK ROOM:

Reason: Okay. They're shining clean. Got the glue?

Yoruichi: Yep!

*Yoruichi fills the kenseikan half-way with glue*

Reason: Slip a bug in these to activate when he's trying to take them off.

IN THE MAIN ROOM

Reason: Here you are, Kuchiki-dono. *hands over the glued Kenseikan and watches as Byakuya fastens them to his head*

Byakuya: Thank you. *leaves*

Reason: *dreamy sigh* That man is eminently drool-worthy. Now, next up…*points* Ulquiorra! I choose you!

*Ulquiorra appears in a cloud of black smoke*

Reason: We'll need Orihime, too. *sigh*

*Orihime walks through the door*

Aizen: Ulquiorra, tell me this isn't so.

Ulquiorra: I do not know what you are referring to, Aizen-sama.

Reason: Listen, and you will. Do you have a crush on Inoue?

Ulquiorra: *incredulously* The trashy woman?

Reason: Well, that's a good way to show it…

Ulquiorra: The simple fact that she raises the possibility to me that there might be something beyond tangibility…is no sign of anything.

Reason: I'm getting my channeling on… MILES EDGEWORTH! I SUMMON YOU! *Reason's shihakusho turns wine-red and a cravat appears on her neck* Ulquiorra, about that whole "If I can't see it, it doesn't exist." You realize that most humans can't see you, right? So does that mean you don't exist? No, it means you exist on a different plane than they do. So it is with the 'heart'-it's on another plane than you. But if there are humans that can see you, than why can't you learn to see the 'heart'?

Ulquiorra: …Fine. I concede the point. So, perhaps, she is more to me than another human of the same age and gender. What of it?

Aizen: Ulquiorra! She was your prisoner!

Ulquiorra: Reverse Stockholm Syndrome, I suppose. Interesting, since such a thing shouldn't affect an Arrancar. Perhaps I shall have Szayel investigate…

Reason: *Turns back to normal* What's that?

*A window opens in midair. Through the window, Rukia can be seen walking up to Byakuya on a slightly-crowded Seireitei street. She gulps, mutters something-a prayer?-under her breath, and gives him a flying tackle/glomp. Byakuya's eyes look like they're about to explode. Then Rukia runs away. Byakuya dusts himself off, looks after her, and then just sighs and walks off.*

Reason: Oh! Rukia-chan did glomp Byakushie after all! Excellent. Poke the trash's boob now, Ulqui-chan.

Inoue: Why is everyone calling me trash…?

Reason: What do you think you are? Go on, Ulq.

*Ulquiorra pokes Orihime's ample chest* *Orihime blushes*

Ulquiorra: Was I meant to fire a Cero?

Reason: That wasn't part of the request but go ahead!

Aizen: NO! I still need her for something!

Reason: Even more reason to do it!

Ulquiorra: No. If Aizen-sama does not will it, then I won't.

Reason: Sorry, you have to disobey Aizen.

Ulquiorra: …Cero.

*Orihime is blasted into nothingness with one final cry of 'Kurosaki-kun!'*

Reason: Since Fanime-sensei and Elise-hime both conspired (A cool word, no? I love saying 'conspired.) to beat up on Orihime, you both get super-cookies! Now, Tosen! Attend unto me! There are two, count 'em, two questions for everyone's least favorite traitor.

*Tosen appears in a cloud of…nothing. No, he doesn't rate a cloud.*

Tosen: Someone wishes to inquire into my philosophy? I'd be glad to answer.

Yoruichi: Oh, my. He's going to get a shock, isn't he?

Reason: First, Elise-hime's question. "Tosen: Truth, tell us if you really are blind, how you were able to spy on the intruders in Hueco Mundo, and how you just happen to know where you are going every time. And, if you truly know that you are black (no racism intended)"

Tosen: I am truly without sight; that is fact, though a prime example of injustice. After all, a criminal like Aizen is permitted vision, but I, the embodiment of Justice, am not. However, my perception of reiatsu is so well-developed that it almost makes up for my lack of vision. Yes, I know that I am 'black', thanks to people like you, who point it out quite frequently.

Reason: Now Fanime's quizzically querulous query: "Do you ever feel bad about all the minorities you're in? Because you're black (I'm not racist; he's just the only black male in the whole freaking show, and black is a minority in real life, yes), you're blind, you're a Shinigami, you betrayed the Soul Society (A SUPER minority), and no one likes you."

Tosen: Are you racist and/or discriminatory? That's not Justice. *reaches for sword*

Reason: HOLD IT! No, Fanime said explicitly that it wasn't racist! And you are, fool!

Tosen: … Fine. … My blindness doesn't bother me; skin color means nothing to me; I betrayed the Soul Society because it was the path of justice before me; and…What do you mean, nobody likes me?

Reason: Exactly what I said. Nobody likes you, Tosen.

Tosen: Komamura would disagree.

Reason: Wolf-taicho prefers Santa-soutaicho, though.

Tosen: Are you imitating Kusajishi-fukutaicho? …Wait…

Reason: *holds up bag of candy* Yep! Guess what, Dreads-taicho? I have candy! *begins eating*

Tosen: *flees*

Aizen: Yoruichi, we should end it here, before the buzz starts…

Yoruichi: As much as I'd love to send a sugar-buzzed, Yachiru-imitating Reason after Byaku-bo, I suppose you're right, Traitor-san.

Aizen: …Hm…That's something to keep in mind when I invade Soul Society…

Yoruichi: … I'm going to ignore that, because I want Reason to invite me back when Byaku-bo's in the lineup, and killing you here would throw a wrench in the works.

Reason: *takes a Sharpie and labels the bag of candy, 'For Hitsugaya-taicho'* That got rid of him fast. Okay, time to wrap things up. The lineup for next time shall be:

Kurosaki Ichigo

Madarame Ikkaku

Zaraki Kenpachi

Kusajishi Yachiru

Kurotsuchi Nemu

Matsumoto Rangiku

Kuchiki Rukia

Aizen: You're putting Zaraki and Ichigo in a confined room together? Are you insane?

Reason: Did you MISS the title? "A Dose of Unreason"? Hello! Thanks, everyone!

All: REVIEW!

Reason: Please! Reviews feed my soul and allow me to torture (Hitsugaya) children! They also pay for my supply of Sharpies and Dr. Pepper, because Sharpies are bloody amazing.

Yoruichi: Wait! We haven't seen Byaku-bo try to remove the gluey kenseikan yet!

Reason: Yoruichi...it's still daytime. We'll record tonight, and replay it next time, kay?

Yoruichi: I'll set it up~

Aizen: ..I have the strange feeling that I'm being replaced.

Reason: Yoruichi will be gone next time, sadly. She has business. (With Soi Fon.) But I'll send you a copy, Yoruichi!

Yoruichi: Great! See ya!


	4. Episode 3: A Strawberry And His Father

Reason: Sorry for the epically long wait of Herculean proportions! I was doing NaNoWriMo, you see.

Ichigo: Thank God-

Aizen: *gets kicked by Reason before he can say anything*

Ichigo: Thank God she tortured her OWN characters instead of us.

Reason: *glare* I don't own these ungrateful brats, nor do I WANT to own most of them. Nor do I own anything else I might reference. So don't prosecute me, Mr. von Karma!

Ichigo: Ungrateful for WHAT?

Reason: For the privilege of basking in my radiance, that's what. Our first letter is from AbaraiArekushisu.

"_Kurosaki-Dare him to dye his hair black and ask him (truth) if he has a crush on ANYBODY (not just specifically Rukia)_

_Madarame- Ask him is he really shaven or bald, because I haven't seen him shave his head once, NOT ONCE!_

_Matsumoto- Is that her real eye color? _

_That's all. Oh, just a quick question...why do you hate Inoue-chan, she's sweet, even if she is kinda useless."_

Ichigo: WHAT?

Reason: Truth or dare first, Strawberry?

Ichigo: Like hell I'll cooperate with you!

Reason: Let me phone up Byakuya, then, and discuss the fact that his sister lives in your room… in your 'dirty little closet'…How would that go for you, I wonder?

Ichigo: *pales* Umm… the dare. Wait, did you just call my closet dirty?

Reason: *tosses bottle of black hair dye* Who am I to argue with the whims of Rukia? Shoo.

*Ichigo goes off to the changing/dying stations* *A female scream erupts, followed by some random soul rushing out clutching a towel*

Reason: Dammit, I thought I had the Kusajishi Candy-and-Coffee-Fueled Eviction Service sweep that place before the show started. Of course, she's fairly erratic at the best of times. Anyway, Ikkaku, while Ichigo's turning into a REAL Deathberry, is your head seriously shaven, or are you bald? And AbaraiArekuishu, were you WATCHING him?

Ikkaku: I'm NOT BALD! PREPARE TO DIE! Extend, Hozukimaru!

Reason: You realize that I have APAP, right? All Powerful Author Powers?

Ikkaku: …And?

Reason: I can not only not die, but can turn your Zanpaku-to into a candy cane. Like so. *snaps fingers*

*Hozukimaru becomes a candy cane spear of very little lethal power*

Ikkaku: …Fine, I'm bald, okay? I got my hair scorched off by a Hollow and the follicles were wrecked. But that's kinda like shaven!

*His Zanpaku-to returns to normal*

Reason: Thanks, Ikkaku-see, that wasn't so hard, was it? It makes you sound even more macho, actually. Oh, stop sulking. Matsumoto! You're up.

Matsumoto: Hello, everyone! *makes kissy lips at the audience/rest of the cast*

Reason: Is your eye color natural?

Matsumoto: *wink* Everything about me is completely natural, Reason-chan!

Reason: …Ooookay then… Hey, I get a truth this time! That gives me warm fuzzies.

Aizen: Glad to see something does. Aside from torturing people.

Reason: You're one to talk. Look at Hinamori. So…Why do I hate Inoue-chan? *opens up a midair author-window that plays Ichigo's fight with Nnoitra*

*In window*

Inoue: Kurosaki-kun!

Kurosaki-kun!

Kurosaki-kun!

Kurosaki-kun!

Kurosaki-kun!

*Window closes*

Reason: I rest my case. *eye roll* She irks me. Especially her voice. Not to mention…Have you tasted her cooking? *shudder* I went to go interview Matsumoto for something at her place and got forced to eat dinner there. Ugh.

Aizen: Heh, I pity you. Not.

Reason: Aizen. You know, Ichigo went really pale earlier when I threatened him…Would you call that 'bone white'?

Aizen: Just where are you going with this?

Reason: Well, I thought…I might like to check by taking one of your bones and comparing it to Ichigo's afraid-face…

Ikkaku: OOOOH, creepy.

Matsumoto: Aizen, I think you've got COMPETITION…

Reason: Bite your tongue. I'm nothing like this traitorous son of an excrement-laden biscuit with delusions of godhood.

*Ichigo returns in time to hear this conversation, hair now black and awesomely-fuzzy looking*

Ichigo: …I DON'T WANT ANY PART OF THAT GUY ANYWHERE NEAR MY FACE!

Matsumoto: That's what she said!

Reason: Look, I stole Ulquiorra's Negacion Box earlier, and I will not hesitate to use it on perverts. Now, a letter from Elise-hime once again!

"_Kurosaki Ichigo - Dare: Fight Zaraki again._

_Madarame Ikkaku - Dare: Visit a hair regrowth center to prove that your hair is truly "shaven"_

_Zaraki Kenpachi - Truth: Did you or Byakuya beat Yammy?_

_Kusajishi Yachiru - Dare: Act like Nanao for a chapter. _

_Kurotsuchi Nemu - Truth: Exactly how did Mayuri revive you after you were affected by Szayel's Gabriel technique._

_Matsumoto Rangiku - Dare: Admit that you have implants."_

Ichigo: Oh, no way in hell am I gonna fight that guy again!

Reason: Sorry… you don't get to choose. *throws Ichigo bodily into the underground lead-lined bunker where Zaraki awaits* I built that place as a safe fighting ground, but I dunno…Zaraki and Ichigo… That might tax its capabilities…Aizen! Seal it off with the Hogyoku!

Aizen: Yes, O Revered Mistress. Was there anything else you wanted, Great and Glorious Queen of Everything?

Reason: The saccharine is leaving acid trails in the lead, damn you. Okay…we've already established that he is not shaven… we'll have to wait on that fight…um…oh, dear. I had to dose the pink chaos vortex in question up on sugar earlier… This ought to be fun…or at least interesting… YACHIRU!

Yachiru: : Yes Ree-chan?

'Ree-chan': *decides to let it go while a sugary Yachiru is inside the expensive facility* Can you act like Nanao Ise for a little while?

Aizen: I don't think I'D be able to tame her while she's on sugar, though it does give me a great idea for wreaking my revenge on you…

Reason: What, hyping up Nel's child form AND Yachiru on Red Bull and Monster, then siccing them on me? Sorry, been done. By me, I might add. Although I didn't sic them on myself. Anyway, Yachiru…if you will…or can, at this point.

*Yachiru suddenly stiffens her spine and grabs a clipboard out of nowhere. She shuffles her hair into a reasonable imitation of Ise's haircut. Although, admittedly, still in pink.*

Yachiru: Hello, Reason-san, have you seen the Captain anywhere? I have some paperwork I really need him to do, and I heard he might be drinking with Rangiku-san.

Matsumoto: Nope, no Kyoraku here.

Reason: Wait, wait. *waves hands and Kyoraku appears* Shhh, Kyoraku-taicho, just go with it, okay?

Yachiru: Captain! *stands menacingly in front of the much taller man* I'd appreciate it if you didn't run off all the time instead of doing the things you need to! These are urgent documents from the Head Captain himself, and need your signature, but instead you go gallivanting off drinking at mid-day! Isn't it just a little early for that sort of behavior, sir?

*several seconds of awkward silence*

Reason: *blinking* Holy hippogriffs, THAT is disturbing. I'm gonna try to erase that from my mind for all eternity. Nemu! Get up here and delete that creepy little performance!

Nemu: Yes, Reason-san.

Reason: How did Mayuri revive you after Szayel's Gabriel technique?

Nemu: At the base of my neck is an organic system 'soft-reset' device. It does not affect my memory, but the soft-reset process causes some odd sounds.

Reason: How… boring, although I have to admit I'm a bit…relieved. Um…and Rangiku, you ought to stop lying.

Rangiku: How can you—

Reason: I had Aizen interrogate Gin for a while, you're not natural at all…

Matsumoto: Gin betrayed me… Again …?

Reason: Considering what Aizen did to Hinamori-fukutaicho, you might want to consider Gin lucky he's not psychologically crushed-wait, it'd be impossible to hurt that creep's brain.

Matsumoto: I suppose …Ugh… Maybe I just had… a LITTLE enhancement done…

*Haineko pops out of nowhere*

Haineko: Don't tease her, guys! An old woman like her kinda needed a bit of perking up, if you get my meaning…

Matsumoto: What d'you mean OLD WOMAN?

*Matsumoto attacks Haineko, and the two wrestle around on the floor for a while*

Reason: I'm just gonna let them fight. Okay, I'm going to end the Ichi-Zaraki fight prematurely, I think Ichigo deserves a break and we've got a question for them.

*Zaraki appears. He is bleeding across his chest and laughing hysterically. Ichigo is wearing his Hollow mask and, seeing his new surroundings, removes it.*

Reason: You're even creepier after just watching DiamondDust Rebellion and seeing what you did to Kusaka's castle, Zaraki, you know that? Anyway, did you or Byakuya actually beat Yammy?

Zaraki: Wait, why am I up here again? I was just getting started!

Reason: And Ichigo is probably extremely grateful to take a breather. So?

Zaraki: I don't know for sure, I was busy at the time, but to be honest, I'm pretty sure that it was Kuchiki who hit him last. Of course, I did all the work for him.

Reason: *rolls her eyes and mutters under her breath* Oh yeah, cause Byakuya would actually need you. Bah. Anyways-

*She is interrupted by a flock of owls pelting in the window and dropping letters*

Reason: IT'S MY HOGWARTS LETTER-whoops, sorry. No it's not, it's more dares. Coolbeans in awesomesauce!

Aizen: I'll read them, shall I? First, from Ishuri Sousuke- and, by the by, 'Sousuke' is a highly excellent name to choose-

Reason: When you're done inflating your ego…

Aizen: Fine. *ahem*

"_Kurosaki Ichigo: dare-Dress up as pwetty butterfly Aizen singing about being a fairy whilst prancing around the room on a snowman (Kenpachi)_

_Madarame Ikkaku: truth-Ask if it's true that he wanted to become a bowling ball when he was younger, or if he was just exposed to radiation as a child._

_Zaraki Kenpachi: dare-admit he can't even beat up Orihime. If he refuses, force him to fight a million weak opponents before he can fight someone powerful again. If he loses to one of them, he must dress his katana in pink_

_Kusajishi Yachiru: dare-Give all her candy to Hitsugaya and stop calling Kenpachi 'Ken-chan'. Instead call him God (to annoy Aizen *insert evil grin here please!*)_

_Kurotsuchi Nemu: truth-Does she really like her Captain (brother?)_

_Matsumoto Rangiku: dare-give up sake for a chapter... She won't make it._

_Kuchiki Rukia: Dare-Admit any hidden feelings you have for Renji to his face in a very dramatic manner._

Reason: Ikkaku, you wanted to be a bowling ball? Cool! Quick, set up the Squad Four members and we can have a round of bowling! I call Zaraki for my team!

Ichigo: Do you even have teams in bowling?

Reason: I dunno, I'm not a bowler. I play hockey, thanks. Much more fun. And more opportunities for violence.

Hitsugaya: Actually, bowling does have teams.

Reason: Yay, Shiro-chan! When did you get here?

*Shiro-chan's eye twitches*

Hitsugaya: I came to find Matsumoto. Unfortunately, I forgot that you were here.

Reason: How sharper than a serpent's tooth. Little bully. Ichigo, with your awesome Deathberry hair, you've got to dress up as 'pwetty buttewfwy Aizen' and sing about being a fairy. Zaraki, you get to be a snowman.

Zaraki: Hell no!

Reason: It's not exactly your choice. Now you can be a real snowman. Shiro-chan, if you please!

Hitsugaya: Why?

Reason: Don't you appreciate jabs at Aizen? I mean, he almost killed Momo and all.

Hitsugaya: I see your point… Okay. Reign over the frosted heavens, Hyorinmaru!

*Zaraki is suddenly covered in thick snow frozen to his clothes and light dustings across his hair and face.*

Reason: Thank you Shiro-chan! I may have to hire you as a minion! Now, Ichigo, am I going to be able to get you to put this on voluntarily?

Ichigo: I know it's futile, but what Zaraki said.

Reason: *sighs* Why are you so difficult? *waves hands and Ichigo suddenly gets forced into an eerily accurate Aizen cosplay, complete with butterfly wings.*

Aizen: Do I…Do I really look that ridiculous?

Reason: Ichigo makes things look worse than they are, but yes, as a matter of fact, you do. Prance, Ichigo!

*Fairy-Aizen-Ichigo climbs up on Snowman-Zaraki's shoulders. Zaraki begins to hop around the room, shaking the whole building, muttering 'I'm gonna kill you' under his breath, and Ichigo begins to sing…*

FA-Ichigo: I am a pwetty fairy, (I hate you)

With wings like a butterfly. (Cut it out!)

I can grant your wishes,

So children please don't cry. (Bah!)

I am a pwetty fairy,

I love all the day to fly. (What kind of line is that?)

I prance in the woods and glades

For I am a fairy spry! (Who actually says spry nowadays?)

Fairy, fairy, fairy, fairy… (I will never, ever look myself in the eye again…)

Reason: If we could get Hichigo to sing that it would be amazing, but I can tell that's not happening. IKKAKU!

Madarame: Is this another bald question?

Reason: You can read, I'm sure; you're fairly clever for an Eleventh squad member. So, did you want to be a bowling ball, or were you exposed to radiation?

Madarame: I TOLD YOU I WAS IN A FIGHT WITH A HOLLOW!

Reason: Although radiation would explain a lot…Is that eyeliner on your eyes?

Madarame: …No. Rangiku, give me that!

*Ikkaku snatches a bottle of sake away from Matsumoto and takes a huge gulp*

Reason: Good work Ikkaku! She can't have any anyway. Next up, is…How precisely do you propose for me to get Yachiru's candy away from her, pray tell? Hey Ichigo, you're freakishly fast, help me out a bit here?

Ichigo: …Immunity?

Reason: I won't call you back for a while.

Ichigo: ...Best offer I'm gonna get?

Reason: Yep.

Ichigo: Fine.

*They vanish. After about two minutes, the two return carrying large sacks of candy bigger than Yachiru herself and about the same size as Hitsugaya.*

Reason: Shiro-chan, these are for you.

Hitsugaya: I don't want them.

Reason: *eyes get big and watery* But…but…they're a present! You wouldn't be so mean to little Yachiru, would you? God only knows what she'd get up to if she came into your office and found Rangiku's sake stash…

*Hitsugaya's eyes widen and he almost desperately grabs the bags of candy away*

Reason: I knew you'd listen to Reason.

Aizen: Don't talk about yourself in the third person. Even if you are trying to make a pun.

Reason: What do you mean, trying? I succeeded, so nyeh to you.

*Yachiru bounces-literally bounces in through a window- into the room and clambers up on Kenpachi's back.*

Yachiru: God, have you seen my extra candy?

Aizen: Yes, Reason just-

Yachiru: Not YOU, Bad Man-san! I meant Kenny!

Zaraki: Er, what?

Aizen: And just how do you come to that conclusion?

Yachiru: Well, God can smite people, right? Nobody smites people better than Kenny! So Kenny must be God!

Reason: I shouldn't laugh. I should be mightily offended at the total lack of reverence. I must not…oh, hell with it. *bursts out laughing* She didn't even hear the dare, Aizen! She worked that one up for herself!

Aizen: Well… anyway, Yachiru… *tries to fiddle with his glasses, realizes he doesn't wear them anymore, and starts fiddling with his odd hair strand instead* Reason stole your candy.

Reason: I plead innocent to all charges!

Yachiru: Yeah, Ree-chan asked me if she could borrow that candy! She says she'll take me to go get snacks from Byakushie's house later!

Aizen: Are you suicidal?

Reason: The SWA does it all the time and gets away with it, why should I be any different? And now a letter from The Psychotic Cherry Blossom!

"_Review: Very nice. I've read all of your stories and instead of reviewing five different times, I've decided to just review in a massive way on the last one. Broken Requiem, both the original and the re-make caught me in a way that hasn't happened for quite awhile. I read more than can be considered normal, FF, normal novels and text books, and I end up seeing a modus operandi in anything I read. These two stories on the other hand, showed a delightfully refreshing originality that I haven't seen since I read The Art Of War. Well thought out ideas posed in titilating ways can be the epitome of a good plot. Clashing Harmonies clinched into the enthusiasm of Broken Requiem smoothly and continued in an undaunting flow, which can be difficult to do. Most authors pick one huge problem and run with it. But this sequal posed entirely new problems, and did it in an easy-to-read amusing way. The Queen's Huntsman was a little hard to follow, and you didn't seem to get all of your ideas across in a flowing, clear manor. You might want to slow down just a bit and think over your concepts a bit more to make sure you have them fully developed in your mind first. However, you did get your sentiment across, and the Renji/Rukia jab was funny. Now, as for A Dose of Unreason, this is the best truth or dare story I've ever read. You aren't running all over the place with half-baked ideas and broken dialogue, which is a deffinite relief. I was almost too wary to read it. Plus, the fact that you're open about your admiration about Kuchiki Byakuya and his awesomeness but aren't a slobering, foaming at the mouth, constantly shreiking fan-girl is admirable." _

Reason: That really made my day. This is flat-out the most in-depth review I've ever received, and I'm really glad you enjoyed Broken Requiem and Clashing Harmonies-and I'm glad that you think so highly of Unreason as well. Thank you so much!

"_Now, as for the dares..._

Kurosaki Ichigo: Dare-Go tell your father, Kurosaki Isshin, that you love him, and then engage in a father-son bonding session for three days. You cannot deny any ideas your father has, and if your sisters ask (cough-Karin-cough) what the hell is wrong with you, you have to tell them that you adore Isshin's fatherly advice and would follow his command to the ends of the Earth.

Kanpachi: Dare-Switch personalities with Yachiru.

Yachiru: Truth-Does chewing on Madarame's head make you happy? Does he taste good?

Nemu: Dare-Show expression, and then go make out with Ishida after you put on one of the frilly dresses he's made.

Matsumoto: Dare-Do all of your paperwork for the next month before the deadlines and in perfect order. No slacking or skipping.

Kuchiki Rukia: Dare-Admit any hidden feelings you have for Renji to his face in a very dramatic manner.

Kurosaki Karin: Dare-Tell off Inoue in the most heartbreaking and hilarious manner you can think of."

Aizen: She wants Kenpachi…to…switch with Yachiru? GOOD ME IN HEAVEN.

Reason: Shut up, at least she still won't have Bankai. Can you imagine? Okay, Ichigo's dare will take the longest, so first let's call good ole Isshin over to start the party.

Ichigo: PLEASE. I'll do ANYTHING, just let me PASS.

*Isshin walks in through the door, with a giant Masaki Forever poster, Karin, and Yuzu.*

Isshin: Sorry, no can do, Ichigo! You ought to stand up to your dares like a man and make Daddy proud.

Ichigo: Nooooo…

Reason: Get on with it. If you don't, Kurotsuchi Mayuri has made some very generous offers for you, Chad, Orihime, and Uryuu...

Ichigo: What? *pales* Okay…Dad… I… l… l… lo…*swallows* ILOVEYOUDAD!

Isshin: *sniff* Even under duress…It still makes me so happy to hear that, Ichigo…To celebrate, let's go and walk on our hands down the big hill outside of town!

Ichigo: *casts a fervent look at Reason, who is grinning just as evilly as Aizen is* Um…Sure, Dad! That sounds like an amazing idea!

Karin: What the hell is wrong with you, Ichigo? You're actually agreeing with Goat-chin over there?

Yuzu: Karin! That's not good language?

Karin: I don't care! Listen to him!

Ichigo: Do I really have to?

Reason: Yep-a-di-doo-da.

Ichigo: Grrr…I'm gonna kill you…

*Ichigo rolls his eyes, gets down on one knee and puts a hand on Karin's head*

Ichigo: Well, Karin…it's like this…I absolutely adore Dad's fatherly advice…he's probably the wisest man I've ever met… and I would follow his commands to the ends of the Earth and back!

*Isshin tears up*

Karin: *slaps his hand away* Which one of your creepy ghost buddies got you, Ichigo? Which one?

Ichigo: *stands back up and glances darkly at Reason* Well, she's not actually a ghost…

Reason: Semantics, good Deathberry! Hey, Karin, stick around a while, will ya? We've got a good dare for you.

Karin: Better than what those guys are doing. See ya, Yuzu. Don't bother coming back, Dad.

*Isshin spreads out the Masaki poster and falls on it sobbing*

Isshin: Why, Masaki? Why are our daughters so cold to me? Why don't they bring me their problems?

Karin: Haven't we had this discussion before? You're over 40 yet have the emotional maturity of a toddler.

*Isshin rolls the poster back up and grabs Ichigo by the collar*

Isshin: Well, at least I've reclaimed my son from the depths of delinquency and disrespect! Let's go!

*The trio leaves.*

Reason: That was so touching! I almost cried- no, wait, that was the mutilated onion I have on me to help with the big-teary-eyes trick. Now, for the purposes of this next dare, I borrowed this device from Kurotsuchi-taicho.

*She holds a little glowing blue box aloft and ricochets it off of Kenpachi to clock Yachiru in the head*

Yachiru: *from inside Kenpachi's body* Hey… Hey! I'm God now!

*Aizen bristles but doesn't speak*

Kenpachi: *From inside Yachiru's body* …The hell? Put us back!

*Yachiru screams with glee and charges through a wall, grabbing Kenny up as she goes*

Reason: *Looking after them* Okay, so in retrospect that was a really bad idea. What have we learned?

Aizen: Not to give Yachiru Kusajishi access to Zaraki Kenpachi's brute strength?

Reason: That too. Also, that cube has cable.

*The cube is playing Bleach on one of its faces*

Aizen: So you're not concerned about the fact that you just let Yachiru Kusajishi, with Zaraki's massive physical strength, get into the larger Seireitei?

Reason: It'll get put right somehow. I'm not in charge of the repairs, so I don't give a flying squirrel-like Hollow. Next on our list is-

Aizen: You're remarkably laidback about this.

Reason: *totally unfazed* And…Yachiru…isn't…here. Oh…uh-oh… Guess we're gonna have to do something about that if we want to get her truth answered.

Unknown Voice: There is no need.

Karin: What the hell was that?

Reason: Much as I disapprove of your language, I must concur!

Unknown Voice: I am the D Cube. Since I was used for a transfer of the following personalities: Yachiru Kusajishi and Kenpachi Zaraki, I have electronic records of the individual in question's personality. I can therefore answer the question.

Reason: Um, excellent.

Cube: *in Yachiru's voice* What is it, Ree-chan?

Reason: Yachiru, does chewing on Madarame's head make you happy? Does he taste good? And by the by, I just adore how that sentence is phrased. It's amazing.

Cube Yachiru: His head is really neat! It tastes all salty! Salt is really good after you've eaten a lot of sweets! And Cueball is always so angry when I do that. It's funny!

Aizen: Who'd have thought…She chews on him to relieve the excess sugar in her system…

Reason: She's getting a real salt lick for Christmas, I promise you. Now. Nemu! You're up again!

Nemu: Yes.

Reason: Now. Can. You. Say. That. With Expression~?

Nemu: *snaps a pose* Oh yeah, baby! Here I am! …Was that sufficient?

Reason: Nope, here's one of a certain Quincy's masterpieces…

*Reason waves her hands and Nemu is in one of Uryuu's special frilly lacy concoctions*

Reason: And now if you'll go indulge in some face time with your favorite Quincy…

Nemu: *grins widely* Oh yeah! He'll never know what hit him! …I will do that.

Reason: Are…Are those phrases pre-programmed?

Nemu: *shocked look* How'd ya know, man? Too good! …Yes, they are.

Reason: Uh, right. You go on then. Shiro-chan, Rangiku, you both still here?

*Hitsugaya is standing in front of Rangiku. Behind him, a large number of sake bottles have been frozen to the floor while Rangiku begs for them. He actually seems to be enjoying himself.*

Matsumoto: Please, Captain? Please?

Hitsugaya: Nope. No way. Never.

Reason: Actually, it's only for the rest of the chapter, Shiro-chan. Anyway. Rangiku, you're gonna have to do your work properly for the rest of the month!

Matsumoto: But that's a really long time!

Reason: I'll send you special sake on Christmas.

Matsumoto: Really…? Okay, that sounds really good! It's a deal!

Reason: Now, Karin, you get to tell off Inoue! Break her heart and stomp it all to dust!

Karin: Cool. Where is she?

Reason: Probably moping over Ichigo. *claps her hands and Orihime appears*

. . . BOOM . . .

*For approximately thirty minutes, Karin yells at Orihime, and as far as Reason can tell, not repeating herself once. She mentions Orihime 'throwing herself at Ichigo', being 'totally incompetent', and that everyone can 'see right through her'. By the end, Orihime is crying.*

Karin: I kinda feel bad, but she had it coming.

Reason: It's cool. She'll be fine. She always. Comes. Back. Like a weed. Anyways. I believe that wraps this episode up, right, Aizen?

Aizen: Indeed. About time, too.

Reason: So far, we're awaiting the following reports: The results of Ichigo and Isshin's father-son-bonding trip; Matsumoto's work report; And somehow, Byakuya's gluey kenseikan transmission was interrupted, it'll be here eventually. So keep a weather eye out for those reports! Now, we're awaiting the return of one Kuchiki Rukia to perform the following dares slash truths… _Kuchiki Rukia: Dare-Admit any hidden feelings you have for Renji to his face in a very dramatic manner_, from The Psychotic Cherry Blossom, and _Kuchiki Rukia: Dare-Admit any hidden feelings you have for Renji to his face in a very dramatic manner_, from Ishuri Sousuke. That's all we're waiting on! Aizen, what's our cast for next time?

Aizen: The next episode will feature the Great Espada-Gotei Thirteen Christmas Competition. There shall be eggnog, ice sculptures, and probably before the end of the evening a war will break out.

Reason: Oh yeah! Excellent! Send in ideas for contests between the Espada and Shinigami; Aizen and I will choose from the best! We already have an eggnog-drinking contest.

Aizen: For the purposes of the GEGTCC, that's pronounced Geg-ticc, like Hectic, because you're making me organize the whole thing-

Reason: You staged a coup on the whole Seireitei, are planning to destroy at the very least two worlds, and you can't plan a simple Christmas celebration? What kind of omniscient being are you? Anyway, for the GEGTCC's purposes, none of the Espada are dead.

Aizen: So please send us contest ideas. I'm fresh out.

Reason: And I have school. So! Please do review, and once again we apologize for the delay in bringing you this episode! This has been A Dose of Unreason!

The Cheshire Cat: It most certainly has.

Reason: GAH! Save me!


	5. Episode 4: The Hectic GEGTCC

Reason: FFFFFF-I mean, _first of all_-sorry, Fanime, about missing your requests last time. My mind's been going lately. I'm going to write a special chapter with those…eventually…once I've finished this. Right. Also, this should've been posted Christmas Eve, but there was some drama, and we all know how that goes, I assume. Next, a very important part. Aizen! Disclaimer time!

Aizen: Reason does not own Bleach, Christmas, eggnog, or any references she might make. However, I own everything-

*Reason kicks Aizen into a wall*

Reason: Aizen owns less than I do, so ignore him. Thirdly, I want to wish everyone a magical and merry Christmas slash any holiday you may celebrate in its place! However, in order to prevent the royal pain that is carpal tunnel, I will just be calling this a Christmas chapter. If that offends anyone, feel free to present yourself to Kenpachi for a butt-kicking.

Aizen: Or to our equivalent, Nnoitra.

Reason: No, he's not as awesome. Now, from TriOblivion:

"_Hey guys and a special welcome to Lady Halibel *kneels* . Any way first off to Reason nice Nightside reference with the serpent tooth line but do it again I will personally send you and Aizen the fourth anime god wannabe through a Babylon working to live with Lilith for eternity!_

Anyway for one contest Lady Halibel and Ulquiorra for the Espada and Unohana-taichou with Ukitake-taichou for the Gotei 13 have a bake-off

Another competition for Szyel Apporo and Mayuri: build a stereotypical giant robot each and have them fight."

Reason: Er, I dunno what you mean by Nightside, I think that 'serpent's tooth' came from somewhere else first. I saw it in the Garrett, P.I. series, but I'm almost certain that wasn't the origin, either… Not important. Sorry. And…that threat leaves me really confused, probably because I haven't read Nightside. However, the first competition will now commence! *claps hands*

*The scene changes to a massive arena overly decorated with tinsel and festive things. Lined up on opposite sides are the Espada and the Shinigami ranks. The Shinigami ranks also include Ichigo.*

Reason: Who the hell was in charge of the decoration in here? It's like…It's like a Home Depot lights section threw up AND had babies in here!

Aizen: I believe Lilynette did it…And that she enlisted Kusajishi and Nel as lackeys.

Reason: That is extremely likely. Look at this! Well. *clears throat* Welcome, all, whether you're dear readers, Espada, or Shinigami, to the first Great Espada-Gotei Thirteen Christmas Competition! Tonight, for your merrymaking, there will be a number of contests and other amusements! The side that wins will receive an epic prize! I'm not kidding-

Aizen: She's not joking-

Reason: It's the most brilliant prize of all eternity, whether you hail from the midnight sands of Hueco Mundo or the temperate climes of the Soul Society! You won't be disappointed, because-

Aizen: This prize is something even I would deign to compete for!

Reason: So let the best…dead people…win! To open up the evening, we have the Brilliant Baking Battle! To represent the Espada… the wise Tia Halibel, and the cool Ulquiorra Schafer!

*A spotlight illuminates Halibel and Ulquiorra*

Reason: And from the Shinigami side of the hall, we've got… the compassionate Retsu Unohana, and the kind Jyuushiro Ukitake!

*A spotlight shines down on them as well*

Aizen: You'll find everything you need in the middle of that stage. *points*

Reason: Who's going to win, I wonder? Unohana looks like she'd be a good baker, but maybe Ulquiorra has hidden depths? Halibel may be the most civilized Espada, but then Ukitake's probably very capable as well.

Aizen: I'm putting my money on my Espada.

Reason: Aizen, you're being downright cheerful and cooperative, whose baby did you decapitate?

Aizen: Is it so much to believe that I'm simply in the Christmas spirit?

Reason: Yeah, it is. You don't believe in God, remember? Or you think YOU'RE Him, which amounts to the same thing.

Aizen: Perhaps it's impossible not to be in a good mood, surrounded by this temporary cease-fire between our opposing sides for the sake of the holiday?

Reason: Oh shut it. You're lying through your devil's teeth. Though, _he_ doesn't approve of lying.

Aizen: …Er, who?

Reason: Never mind. While those four bake their hearts out, let's let Szayel Aporro and Kurotsuchi start on their mechs, shall we?

Aizen: Already done: They're using the special warehouses on either side of the building.

Reason: Yay, initiative! Then let's move on to the Eggnog Chug! The competitors are *draws from a hat*…Kenpachi Zaraki…and Nnoitra Jiruga! Give it up for these guys!

Kyoraku: Aww, I would've liked to compete in this one.

Ise: Captain! …Well, it is a holiday I suppose…and more to the point, you could probably drink any of those Espada under the table no matter what you're drinking.

*Kenpachi and Nnoitra shake hands as they sit down*

Kenpachi: I'm here to drink you to the death!

Reason: Nononono, please don't kill him with eggnog. The first one to finish their keg of 'nog is the winner! And…GO!

*The two start chugging…

and chugging…

and chugging…

Until they both finish at the same time.*

Reason: It looks like a draw, I suppose- wait, Kenpachi!

*Kenpachi has drawn his sword*

Nnoitra: Let's settle this like men!

Kenpachi: Agreed!

Reason: …NO. Security!

*Chad runs in, clad in a black suit with sunglasses. He bumps into a pillar before he gets to the eggnog table, where he punches out the dueling foes…*

Ichigo: Chad?

Chad: …She called me up… And she's paying me.

Ichigo: I want to get paid for this! You locked me in a cabin with that idiot for three days!

Reason: You want pay? Consider your continued dignity as pay. APAP are not only to enforce my reign, Deathberry!

Aizen: Moving on… It's the team ice sculpture competition! Four people from each side are going to work together to create the best ice sculpture! And since you've all got more power than a human, we're expecting not only 'cool', but 'absolute zero' in terms of design and detail!

Reason: Each side gets to choose their team, so start talking amongst yourselves while I set up some of the next entertainments! From Fanime-sensei:

"_I cried, from laughter! That chapter/episode was amazingly and insanely awesome hilarious! For the stuff for next chapter, I say you should have Ulquiorra and Grimmjow get into a big (verbal) fight then it elevates into an actual fight and they kick the crap out of each other then it abruptly dies down and they pronouce their love for each other and start making out right in front of Aizen just so he will be scarred for life! *evil laughter*_

Also, once Rukia finally announces her love for Renji, Deathberry should pop in saying he loves Rukia and then a fight should break out between Renji and Deathberry! XD

I think it would be awesome if you and Aizen had a fight! (And of course you win)

Someone, I don't care who, should get a hippopotamus for Christmas! Then someone else should get two front teeth! XD That shouldn't be hard with all the fights.

My Christmas wish is to be in a chapter/episode of your wonderful and hilarious story O great, wise, and worthy of worship Reason. *bows, sucking up in hopes of getting my wish* XD"

Aizen: You've got your worship-worthy ideas mixed up there, Fanime-*notices Reason watching him like a hawk* …Perhaps it would be unwise to continue this line of thought.

Reason: Look, he's capable of learning! Although, she does: It's not me, it's that guy upstairs: I do all things through Him who strengthens me~ But I won't preach in a Bleach tee-or-dee, there's just something wrong with that. Oh, Grimkitty!

Grimmjow: What the BEEEP did you just BEEEPING call me, you BEEP BEEP?

Aizen: Grimmjow! Language! You're representing the Espada here!

Grimmjow: I don't give a BEEP about what the BEEPING Shinigami think of us!

Reason: Tch, Grimmy, you know that it's more like what I think of you. After all, I have the power to call you here for massive humiliation at any time. *shoves a massive object at him*

Grimmjow: What the hell are you trying to foist on me?

Reason: It's a hippo! You know...the Christmas Hippopotamus of musical fame!

Grimmjow: No! I don't!

Reason: *smiles evilly. Like, really evilly. So evilly that even Aizen shrinks back a little.* Oh, _don't you? _I think I should remedy that. *flicks a finger in Grimmjow's direction*

Grimmjow:

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas

Only a hippopotamus will do

Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy

I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy

Reason: Get him up on stage, everyone! Cue the music!

*She propels Grimmjow up into the middle of the cooking stage, where the two teams are busily baking goodies. The music of the song begins to blare from the speakers…*

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas

I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?

He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue

Just bring him through the front door,

that's the easy thing to do

I can see me now on Christmas morning,

creeping down the stairs

Oh what joy and what surprise

when I open up my eyes

to see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas

Only a hippopotamus will do

No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses

I only like hippopotamuses

And hippopotamuses like me too

(Short Music Interlude)

Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then

Teacher says a hippo is a vegeterian

(Short Music Interlude)

There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage

I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage

I can see me now on Christmas morning,

creeping down the stairs

Oh what joy and what surprise

when I open up my eyes

to see a Hippo Hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas

Only a hippopotamus will do

No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses

I only like hippopotamuseses

And hippopotamuses like me too!

…WHAT THE HELL!

Reason: Dear Muse of Song, thy name is Grimmkitty. You have an excellent voice, Grimmjow! Can I get you singing that 'so fly like a G6' song?

Grimmjow: Hell no!

Reason: Worth a shot. Oh look, the bakers are finished. And the sculpture teams have been picked. The teams are: The Espadas' Zommari Leroux, Neliel's adult form, the revived Nnoitra, and Lilynette, representing Starrk. The Shinigami send forth Byakuya, Renji, Shiro-chan, and Soi Fon.

Aizen: What odd teams.

Reason: Ain't they just? Now, let's see what our bakers have for us.

Halibel: We present our Christmas cake.

*The Espada cake is two levels, one as green as Ulqui's eyes, one as red as Renji's hair, and a chocolate sleigh.*

Unohana: We made a gingerbread house.

*The Shinigami gingerbread house has a Kido spell inside illuminating the windows. There are reindeer cupcakes 'outside'.*

Reason: These are both brilliant. I really love the use of Kido on the Shinigami cake, and the chunk of chocolate on the Espada one. Mmmm…chocolate. Let's save them for the man of the night, shall we? In other words, our judge.

Grimmjow: Ha, Ulquiorra, you're such a domestic guy, making something like this.

Reason: I see something coming…*begins to sing quietly* It's in the stars, you know, don't need no crystal ball to tell me so.

Ulquiorra: And what would trash like you know about baking?

Grimmjow: Only that it's a woman's job.

*Halibel smacks him, and so does Reason.*

Reason: The consequence is hanging there…The sky will fall but I don't care.

Ulquiorra: You shouldn't be rude to anyone superior to you. Though, that'd mean everyone, considering how low you are, even compared to some of the trash on the other side of the room.

Grimmjow: You bastard-!

*Grimmjow attacks Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra misfires a Cero and knocks a bit of the roof down*

Aizen: Hado number ninety- Black Coffin!

*The piece is obliterated*

Reason: Though I would rather have that butler, you'll do in a pinch. Come on, guys, I'm not paying Chad to tackle two more Espadas…

Aizen: What's that?

Reason: I'm paying him a set rate based on everyone he has to deal with. Espadas and Captains are more expensive than, say, Fraccion and officers.

Grimmjow: Damn… I can't…

Ulquiorra: Just give up. It's pointless for you to resist like this.

Grimmjow: I won't lose! Ever!

Ulquiorra: Don't pretend, either. I'll have to crush the last of your resistance from you, then.

*Ulquiorra takes Grimmjow and kisses him deeply. Reason's not recording any more cause she doesn't like yaoi, but it IS Christmas, so.*

Aizen: Wha-wha-wha-wha—

Reason: Ah, puppy love: Or is that more accurately kitty love?

*Ulquiorra disentangles himself from Grimmjow*

Grimmjow: Pay up.

Aizen: Wha-wha-whaaaat?

Reason: Come on, you think they'd really do that without some kind of coercion or incentive? *hands over a hundred dollar bill to both Espada*

Aizen: You little- You're bribing my Espada!

Reason: Naturally! Think about it with a touch of Reason, will you?

Aizen: I told you to quit with those jokes!

Reason: And you're not the boss of me! Even your subordinates can be forced to obey me!

Aizen: You usurping…mocking…taunting little… Hado, number ninety-Black Coffin!

Reason: *kicks her way out and pulls out a set of knives* Aizen, come now: Mercy isn't one of my virtues. Surely you don't wish to become mincemeat?

Aizen: I'll destroy you!

*An epic fight ensues, with Kido, swords, and knife-throwing. Eventually Reason kicks Aizen in the face and knocks his two front teeth out.*

Aizen: Grrr….I'll let you win…this time.

Reason: In the Christmas spirit, I'll fix your teeth. *waves her hands* Kill thy enemy with kindness: It heaps burning coals on his head.

Ichigo: Can I really dump these on his head? *holds up a metal bowl of hot coals*

Reason: Ichigo, you're magical and amazing and I'm sorry I stuck you with your father for three days. Go ahead.

SEVERAL SECOND-DEGREE SCALP BURNS LATER…

*CLANG* *CRASH* *SHFOOOM*

Reason: Everyone look up through the skylights! Mayuri and Szayel Aporro are having at it with the great mechs they've been building!

*Ginormous mechs are fighting in the sky over the arena* *Suddenly one bitch-slaps another*

Aizen: That was Szayel Aporro…I'm not sure he's actually a guy…

Reason: That's an insult to women. Hey, the ice sculpting's done. The Shinigami present first.

*Apparently, Byakuya was prevented from designing the thing, because that's not the Seaweed Ambassador. Instead, it's a scale replica of the Seireitei, with the flowers that symbolize the divisions carved above each barracks.*

Reason: Such a complex display would have been impossible in this time without Byakushie's Senbonzakura or Shiro-chan's ability to create more ice. It's gorgeous. And as for the Espada…

*It's Las Noches with the moon hanging above it. Literally hanging.*

Reason: Amazing. Leroux's Amor ability is really useful. And look, there's ice-well, a covering of more ice, like someone with an ice Zanpaku-to let loose- all around the outside of Aaronerio's tower. That detail's really nice!

Aizen: And our special judge is coming.

Reason: How can you tell?

*Aizen opens his mouth, but Reason cuts him off.*

Reason: I don't believe for a minute you're psychic or omniscient, Aizen, haven't we established that?

Aizen: You may as well be psychic. *grumble* Listen, the robots have stopped.

Reason: Oh, hey, that's true! Everyone listen up!

ASSEMBLY: Yes?

Reason: The judge who will determine the winners of the great and mystical prize has arrived! It's Chris Cringle, it's Father Christmas, it's jolly ol' St. Nick, everyone give a great big welcome to the man in the glaringly red suit, Santa Claus!

*Santa walks in*

Santa: Ho, ho, hello everyone!

*He is promptly swarmed by Nel, Yachiru, and Lilynette.*

Reason: Oh, lordy lordy, it's the unholy trio. Chad!

*Chad pries the three off of Santa*

Reason: Those three are an excellent example of Shinigami-Espada cooperation. Santa, why don't you come judge these contests?

Santa: Sure, Miss Reason! It's nice seeing you, of all people, encourage cooperation over war.

Reason: Well, after I sent Matsumoto and Kyoraku that special sake for Christmas, I did have to balance out my karma a little bit.

Aizen: That quarter of the Seireitei will never be the same.

Reason: Nonsense, the repair crews know their craft. Anyways, first, let's show the ice sculptures!

Santa: The Espada's sculpture is fairly interesting, and the levitating moon is a nice touch, but it's just reality. There's no real artistic twist there. However, the Shinigami sculpture's flower markers are well-crafted and add a sense of distinction to the piece. The Shinigami win.

*Cheers, jeers, and assorted noisemaking from both sides of the room.*

Reason: And the baking?

Santa: While the gingerbread house is very elaborate, food should aim for a sense of simplicity. The Espada's cake is simple, and it's also got more chocolate on it. The Espada win.

Aizen: But that's a tie-

Reason: Hey, dummy-taicho, there's still the giant robots! They're not being judged, it's the outcome of the battle, and-

*One of them, it's face marked out with the number twelve, stomps the other's head into the arena. Various Shinigami and Espada Shunpo and Sonido out of the way.*

Reason: I think Szayel Aporro got his butt kicked, what do you think?

Aizen: Much as it pains me to admit it, I think so.

Reason: Then I want to announce the winners of the first Great Espada-Gotei Thirteen Christmas Competition: the Shinigami!

*Cheering. Then, led by a revived Nnoitra, the Espada charge them.*

Reason: NOOOO! Wait!

*A short and bloody war begins. Fortunately, there are no casualties, and Reason freezes them all with her APAP.*

Reason: Grr, I'm gonna need some of that special sake by the time this is over.

Aizen: Minor.

Reason: Not in the Soul Society. And you haven't heard the prize yet, everyone! *She snaps her fingers and they are released. Ichigo picks up a heavy thwack over the head with a falling Nel.*

Ichigo: OW! You're heavy!

*Nel slaps him*

Nel: You'we always s'pposed to say how light a lady is! You'we so wude, Itsygo!

Reason: Tch, what can I say? He asked for it. Anyway, you lot, the great, magical, mystical, mysterious, mighty, magnificent, mind-blowing, marvelous, miraculous-

Aizen: Holy Alliteration, Batman!

Reason: HA- no. Anyway, the truly excellent prize I will now present personally to the Shinigami is-

*Breathless silence*

Reason: BRAGGING RIGHTS! That's right! Eat your hearts out, Espada!

*The two sides glance at each other.*

Yamamoto: …Truce?

Starrk: …Sure.

*They all begin to go after Reason, who flees. As she departs…*

Reason: As always, I depart with nothing but the best wishes for you all! Please review and SAVE MY SKIN! Thanks!

Aizen: …Karma's a bitch.

Strange Female Voice from Midair: Everybody says that but they bring it on themselves! I'm not so bad once you get to know meee!

Aizen/Karma/Reason: MERRY [belated] CHRISTMAS and A HAPPY NEW YEAR!


	6. Urgent Broadcast: Repairer of Errors

Reason: Thankfully, TriOblivion pointed out that we forgot something major: the seven vics for the next episode! Thank you TriOblivion. *sweatdrop* Also, I want to introduce the special guest cohost! So we're going to travel back in time, to when I was just starting to flee, and correct those mistakes! I don't own anything except myself. And I'm not totally sure about that. So let's go!

*groovy music whirls everyone back to the party*

Reason: As always, I depart with nothing but the best wishes for you all! Please review and SAVE MY SKIN! Thanks!

Aizen: …Karma's a bitch.

Strange Female Voice from Midair: Everybody says that but they bring it on themselves! I'm not so bad once you get to know me!

Aizen/Karma/Reason: MERRY [belated] CHRISTMAS and A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Aizen: Wait, Miss Karma...You don't happen to be...

*Franziska von Karma materializes out of thin air*

Franziska: That's right! I am Franziska von Karma, prosecuting prodigy, and I'll be cohosting by special invitation next time! *brandishes whip*

Reason: Hi, Franziska! Read the guests-AIIEIEEEEE! Aizen, hurry up!

Aizen: Er... The next guests will be...

...

Reason: I'll be fine! They're not using Bankai or Resurrecion! Just tell the good people who to humiliate-I mean, entertain next time!

Aizen: Right... Ooh, ouch. The next guests will be:

Shihoin Yoruichi

Kurosaki Isshin

Ichimaru Gin- Be VERY careful daring this guy. While screwing with Fox-face is amusing, it's not amusing to be screwed with by Fox-face.

Chizuru

Szayel Aporro Granz

Ukitake Jyuushiro

Yamamoto Whatever-the-hell-his-first-names-are -Hey, that's kinda disrespectful.

Reason: *still running around* I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT FROM TRAITOR-TAICHO.

Aizen: Well, I never. Hmph.

Franziska: Don't be foolishly foolish enough to be a fool of a hypocritical foolhardy fool! *whips Aizen*

Aizen: OUCH!

Reason: Ahhh, memories...

*Groovy music returns everyone to the present*

Reason: …That was some kind of trip, man. Heh. Aizen, WHIPPED.

Aizen: Don't make me-

Reason: Oh, shut it, you poor baby. I'll have Ichigo put the fight music on and then where'll you be? Anyway, dear readers, I hope you enjoyed our little time warp, and I look forward to viewing the dares and truths you send in.


	7. Broadcast: Transmission Intermission 1

*This episode begins with a blank, black screen. Slowly, red and white begin to shine in the center, illuminating the words 'TRANSMISSION INTERMISSION' written like the Bleach title. The title fades, and the studio comes into view.*

Reason: *wearing awesome sunglasses, as is Aizen. Is speaking super fast, like that one part of medicine commercials where they say their disclaimers, possible side effects, and warnings.* Reason T. Scatter does not own Bleach, nor any other references she may make in the process of this show!

Aizen: The following transmissions have been reviewed and judged acceptable for the audience! Please exercise discretion in regards to young viewers!

Reason: Welcome, one and all, to A Dose of Unreason: TRANSMISSION INTERMISSION! The 'America's Funniest Home Videos' of the Soul Society and Karakura Town! Broadcast One!

*A massive screen appears between Reason and Aizen*

Aizen: We're proud to present, first…the Glued-Up Kenseikan, from the 'Pimp My Kenseikan' episode! Brought to you by The Demon Werecat!

Reason: AKA, Yoruichi! Get the popcorn!

*Zoom into the screen.*

…Byakuya reached for the kenseikan atop his head, and began to unpick the ornaments from his long hair. Suddenly, he froze: They wouldn't move, no matter how hard he pushed and pulled at them, yanking his hair in the process.

Glue. That was the only explanation. After that Reason girl and the demon werecat had gotten a hold of them-no, after he'd _given_ them to them- they must have put glue on them. He resisted the desire to let a few choice oaths escape; such language was not acceptable for the head of the Kuchiki house, even when alone. He took a deep, calming breath, then tried once more, even though he knew it would be futile.

When he took his hand away, there was a faint trace of rainbow glitter that had failed to be washed away on his fingers.

This time, his restraint failed and he cursed the air blue. Quietly, of course: It wouldn't do for Rukia to hear such an outburst.

*Zoom out back to Reason and Aizen.*

Reason: I think we need to up the defenses here… So, Aizen, your opinion?

Aizen: *busily munching popcorn* I find it very amusing how angry he gets when his dignity's threatened.

Reason: Yeah…For this transmission, I'd like to thank Yoruichi, for both setting up the spy camera and making sure we had enough copies of it to avoid being thwarted by Byakushie. Seriously. We had to hide twenty-nine tapes around the Seireitei, and he still managed to find and destroy twenty-four of them.

Aizen: Next, we have Isolation with Isshin and Ichigo, from the 'A Strawberry and his Father' episode!

Reason: Most of the transmission was cut by distance, but we still have the last day. Actually…Deathberry probably had something to do with it…

*Zoom into screen*

Ichigo groaned as his father started setting up the Monopoly set _yet again_. They had to have played the stupid game at least twenty times in the past two days! It was so damn stupid!

Ichigo wasn't sore over the fact he lost most of the time. Not at all.

"Ichigo, you wanna be the thimble, right?" Isshin asked, cheerfully oblivious as always to Ichigo's moping. "I know you'd love to be the thimble!"

The strawberry had to fight to keep himself from decking the idiotic man in the face. "Yes, Father," he answered after a minute, remembering that girl…What was her name? Something that she kept making puns on…Oh yeah. Reason. He remembered Reason's threat, and the fact that she seemed to have _Aizen_ totally whipped, and shivered. The path of self-preservation was to play along. "I'd love to be the thimble."

But why did it have to be so humiliating?

"I'm gonna be the car!" Isshin announced merrily. "I'm going first!"

"What? You idiot, it's the youngest-" Ichigo began to protest, then realized what he was doing and stopped. "Never mind."

"You're such a dutiful and good son!" his father yelled happily. "Oh, Masaki, do you see how respectful and responsible your son's become? It just makes me so happy!"

Ichigo had had enough. He didn't care what Reason did to him at this point. He kicked Isshin through the wall of the cabin and stomped out, slamming the door behind him.

Yuzu came out with a bowl of noodles. "Ichigo, I made you something," she started, then looked around. "Ichigo?"

*Zoom back out*

Reason: Respectful…what a lark. I can't even really blame him for busting out early, either. And now, we'll finish with Matsumoto's Paperwork, from the same episode! At the end of the month, just how much of her paperwork did Rangiku really do?

*Zoom into screen*

"I've got all my paperwork, Captain!" Rangiku chirped happily, her arms full with the messy heap of papers. One fell off and fluttered to the floor.

Toshiro glanced at that fallen sheet. It looked completed…but were they all? He gestured for the lieutenant to set them on his desk. She did, then stood there waiting for his approval. He picked one sheet off the top, and read over it. It was done-but the handwriting looked odd.

"I'm gonna go get something to drink now!" Rangiku said, correctly interpreting the temperature drop. She didn't get out the door in time-before she even opened it, her youthful captain had roared, "MATSUMOTO!" at her.

"Explain to me," he said, breathing heavily, "why all of your work is in Shuuhei Hisagi's handwriting!"

Rangiku gulped. Maybe that had been a bad idea after all.

*Zoom out*

Aizen: And you sent her that sake anyway?

Reason: Course I did, the work did get done, after a fashion.

Aizen: Not as was specified!

Reason: Oh, come on, it was Christmas! Even if I hadn't, I bet Kyoraku-taicho would have shared with her anyway!

Aizen: …That may be true. Anyway, that brings us to the end of this Transmission Intermission! Questions, comments, or concerns can all be phrased in the form of a view-the blue link is provided for your convenience. Go ahead!

Reason: Remember, everyone, when we return to usual programming, the cast will be:

Shihoin Yoruichi

Kurosaki Isshin

Ichimaru Gin

Chizuru

Szayel Aporro Granz

Ukitake Jyuushiro

Yamamoto Shigekune Genryuusai-Did I get it right that time?

Aizen: I think so.

Reason: Hah! Considering you were scolding me about not knowing…

Aizen: Grrr…Anyways. This is the end…of Transmission Intermission!

*Credits start rolling while Sakurabito plays.*

Reason: *voiceover at the end* Man, that was the awesomest ending song yet, in my opinion!


	8. Episode 5: Flamin' Szayels!

*The cast is having an awesome party without Reason*

*Somebody knocks on the door*

Aizen: SHHH! She's back! Quick, lock it!

Reason: *from outside door* Too late, butterfly boy! *kicks down door* Yes, I'm back, and I've got attitude to spare! That's good…cause I don't own you guys, and I therefore don't have to worry about breaking you!

Gin: That's a li'l bit scary, don't ya think, Aizen?

Aizen: No. She's all bark and no bite.

*He gets whipped by Franziska von Karma*

Reason: Even if that were true, which it ain't, Miss von Karma here provides plenty of bite!

Franziska: I'm glad to oblige, Reason. After all, educating these foolish excuses for foolishly foolhardy traitors is an excellent task for a prodigy like me.

Aizen: Prodigy? Gin here is-

Reason: Aizen, the first letter, from .GrImMjOw!

Aizen: *cough*

"_ha, violence is open to Inoue. Ulquiorra or Hiyori should beat her up. God better pay you that money.."_

Reason: Heh, summon the Hiyori. *evil smile*

*A few minutes later, Hiyori and Inoue are standing there.*

Inoue: Good morning, Hiyori-chan! How are-

Hiyori: CHAN? *attacks with sandal*

Reason: Hee. Oh, good times. Next, TriOblivion!

"_No problem Reason! Though I don't do favors for free. I think about what my reward shall be. Maybe a special guest hosting position huh? Ah well think on it._

_Yoruichi!: Okay what is the deal between you and Urahara seriously? Also re you an exibitionist? I ask the second because well...(Magical book opens and shows every time Yoruichi has appeared naked) Yeah._

_Shigekuni Genryusai Yamamoto: I hate you. Wanted to get that out of the way. Dare: Get rid of that ridiculous beard!_

_Szayel Aporro: Dare: pour gosoline on yourself and light it on fire you crazy bastard!_

_Ukitake-taicho: Truth: Who is your favorite member of the Bleach cast?_

_Chizuru: Dare: Try not to talk about how hot Orihime is for ten minutes._

_Laterz!"_

Reason: OC guest hosting, oh my. I'm currently not planning anything like that. Come forth, Yoruichi!

Yoruichi: It's great to be back here! Did you get the video?

Reason: Yeah, we had to hide so many!

Yoruichi: I know-Byaku-bo's not good with jokes. Anyway, what'd you need?

Reason: Whassup? …between you and Urahara.

Yoruichi: Heh. Well…Let's just say…We're very close.

Reason: What's that supposed to mean?

Yoruichi: *mysterious smile*

Reason: Grr… I… I WILL get you to confess, Yoruichi!

Yoruichi: I look forward to it.

Reason: Of course you do. So, are you an exhibitionist?

Yoruichi: Cats don't wear clothes. I see no reason for me to.

Reason: You're…not a cat.

Yoruichi: That's not what Byaku-bo says.

Reason: 'Demon werecat' is different than 'cat'. Just FYI.

Yoruichi: Whatever.

Reason: Yo! Shigekune…er…Shigekune Genryuusai Yamamoto! AKA The Soutaicho!

Yamamoto: What is this place? And why are there so many of my Shinigami and the Espada here and not killing each other?

Reason: This is A Dose of Unreason, soutaicho, remember? You read the rules for us at the very beginning. As for why there is no mass murder…It's a no-man's-land.

Franziska: Indeed. It's a woman's-land instead.

Aizen: That doesn't make sense with the expression no-man's-land, and that doesn't even go with what she's trying to get across-

*Franziska whips him*

Franziska: Don't you dare say such foolishly foolish things!

Reason: Aizen, your foresight has seriously failed you. Time was, you could plan out all of the actions of the Gotei Thirteen in your mind. Now look at you.

Aizen: …Gr…

Reason: Anyway, soutaicho, TriOblivion hates you. Just FYI.

Yamamoto: …Who is 'TriOblivion'? And why do they hate me?

Reason: Epically awesome watcher of this show, and no idea, they didn't say. Also, you have to lose the beard.

Yamamoto: What? Absolutely not!

Reason: You don't get a choice, soutaicho. *opens up panel to show Yamamoto the Ichigo-Kenpachi Aizen song incident*

Yamamoto: …How do you have our second-most-insane captain and the foolish Substitute under your command? Are you trying to invade the Seireitei? *Slams cane* As of now, there is an execution order on your head!

Reason: *sighs* I can handle your people, you know…Well, most of them. Mayuri, though, I'll turn tail and run away.

Yamamoto: …can't blame you there…*cough* Fine.

*Reason cuts his beard off*

Aizen: You know, I cut his beard off when I ditched the Soul Society, I just didn't allow you to see it.

*Franziska whips him*

Reason: Gosh, Franziska, you're really helpful! I was expecting I'd have to find some way to bribe you…

Franziska: That fool Miles Edgeworth will never beat this particular travel experience!

Reason: He also won't believe you about it, considering he doesn't believe in the supernatural or spirits or anything, but whatever floats your tea set. Now, Szayel Aporro Granz…

Szayel: *sleazily* Yes? Have you changed your mind about that little modification I suggested to the studio?

Reason: *shudders* No. Way. In. Hell. Oh, speaking of hell, I can't wait for Jigoku Hen! Anyway, here, dump this on yourself.

*Szayel pours the can of gasoline that Reason hands him all over himself and touches a match to it.*

*crackle crackle burn SCREAM burn crackle crackle*

Reason: …sorry Aizen. That's no way for a henchman to go. Eww.

Aizen: …For any of the others, I'd be angry. For this one…

*Suddenly Szayel rises up out of the flames in his Resurreccion form, wings beating*

Szayel: BEHOLD! For I have been reborn out of my enemy! This is the most important aspect of Fornicaras- my Gabriel technique!

Reason: The fire can't give birth to you, idiot.

Franziska: What a foolishly foolhardy fool of a foolishly created foolish creature.

Aizen: I think we got the point about three 'foolishly's back, Franziska.

*Franziska whips him*

Aizen: GWOOUCH! You'll pay for that…

Reason: *chuckles* WHIPPED… Anyway, because of Chizuru's nature, we brought Tatsuki along to suppress her if need be. Welcome, both of you!

Tatsuki: …Whatever. Why am I here?

Chizuru: *notices Yoruichi* Wow! That lady almost even puts Orihime to shame—

*Tatsuki kicks her. Chizuru holds her hand to her nose to stop the blood.*

Tatsuki: I swear! Would you just shut up?

Chizuru: Why are you so annoyed when I compliment Orihime? Is it cause…you're jealous?

*Beating ensues.*

Tatsuki: *brushing her hands off* You're so full of it.

Reason: Um…Chizuru, you can't talk about Orihime for ten minutes, okay?

Chizuru: Why? Is it a crime to preach my goddess to the world~?

*Tatsuki punches her*

Reason: Truth or Dare, have you heard of it? That's your dare.

Chizuru: Of course I've heard of it! But I will not accept this silencing!

*Reason motions to Tatsuki. She promptly knocks Chizuru out.*

Reason: I feel nasty having her in the studio. Can we feed her to Szayel?

Aizen: Are you prepared to accept the consequences if he becomes similar to her?

Reason: Good point…

Knocked-Out Chizuru: Orihiiiiiime…

Reason: *sigh* Now, from ChaoticHollow…

"_Let me say this first, Gin your are my fav captain, your the best.I got a few question for your were going to betray Aizen,why din't you kill that #$%&ing bastard since the begining?Do you love Matsumoto?What your relationship with Kira?Finally, i dare you to prank Toshiro and Byakuay at tthe same time. Also, i have a special request' can you let Aizen be one of your victim? I got alot of thing plan for him(isert evil laugh) That all._

_Hi it me again, there thing i thougth of but forgot to post in my review ,seduce Matsumoto and kiss her in front of Gin, then run for your ,are you gay? i want an honest answer.(dont hestitate to show him a playgirl magzine if you he liying Reason.)To the head-captain, why do you keep central 46? there useless, weak,and cause much more problem then you(refer to diamond dust rebellion and the new captain whatever-is-name-is arc)?And when i ask you if Aizen could be one your victim, i meant to allow him to recive truth and really all i have now."_

Reason: NANANANA SPOILERS I HASN'T SEEN YET I IS NOT LISTENING NANANANA…

Aizen: …He didn't kill me because he wanted to screw around with as many minds as possible, obviously.

(Reason: NANANA *even more loudly*)

Aizen: The way he did it, he got access to all of the Espada as victims, and Tosen.

Reason: NANANA anyway, Fox-face, do you love Matsumoto?

Gin: …I love 'er, just like I love dried persimmon.

Reason: Does that mean you adore her or you like to eat her? Eww. *shudders* Cannibalism is frowned upon in the Soul Society, I should hope. Especially since you're so uptight about Hollows. What about Kira?

Gin: *eviler smile than usual* He's such a good victim, don' ya think?

Reason: Well, can you go pull some epic prank on Byakushie and Shiro-chan for us? Actually, I'd love to see what you do myself.

Gin: Ya seem to love pranking as much as I do, Reason-chan. Sure, why not? *saunters off*

Reason: That prank's gonna be awesome. Can't wait to see it on our next TI, right Aizen?

Aizen: Knowing the tempers of the victims…and the ability of Gin…yes, it'll be a good show.

Reason: Definitely. Oh, ChaoticHollow, you know the funny thing about Aizen being my cohost? He's always open for victimizing. No matter what the current cast is, you can request truths and dares for him. *evil smile* I hope to see excellent tortures.

Aizen: …You…

Reason: SZAYEEEELLLL! Are you gay?

Szayel: *is flaming* No, I'm bi!

Reason: I can believe that!

Franziska: What a disgusting creature.

Reason: What, bis?

Franziska: No, that…that thing.

Szayel: I'm not disgusting! Come let me prove it to you…

*Franziska whips Szayel*

Szayel: AAAGH!

Reason: *sigh* So, soutaicho, why do you keep Central Forty-six? Seems like most of the Seireitei's enemies are made because of their decisions. Kusaka, the Bount, Shusuke Amagai…The last two of which I haven't actually watched the full arc of, so I may be wrong, but…

Yamamoto: I do not have the authority to disband them. They are not under the Gotei Thirteen's jurisdiction; they answer to a higher authority.

Reason: …So if you could, you would?

Yamamoto: *shifty eyes* …Possibly.

Reason: Riiiiight... Has anyone got Matsumoto? And is Gin back yet?

Aizen: She's here, but Gin…That'll take a little longer. Remember who you're having him prank.

Reason: Point taken. While we wait… from Fanime-Sensei!

"_Yay! No more cliffhangers! We finally has a ending for everyting that has happened so far! I wish I had laughed more though... I like laughing. (LoL {XD}) _

_I apologize for not being able to think of something for everyone. *bows respectively*_

_But I dare Isshin to walk around Karakura for an entire day dressed as a samurai. And I'm talkin Edo Period samurai without any of that useless armor crap._

_I dare Gin to play Wii with Aizen, specifically Wii Sports, specifically tennis (so there's more chance of Aizen getting hit in the face XD). _

_I dare Juushiro to spend the entire day with me! *likes Juushiro* =3_

_And then I dare the old fart to spend an entire 3 day weekend with my three little 7,8, & 10 year old hyperactive out-of-control sisters... and not die or go crazy. XD"_

Reason: I am very sorry if the TI did not live up to standards. *deep bow* Isshiiiiin!

Isshin: Yes, my dear?

Reason: ...*mutters* Creeptastic, he's got his creeper on… *louder* Um, can you go walk around Karakura in the Edo period samurai outfit hanging over there? *points* There's a wig, too, because your hair's not quite up to a topknot.

Isshin: No need for that! I've got one on already! *rips off lab coat and shirt and junk to reveal a costume* I was planning to train Ichigo in this later!

Reason: No wonder the poor strawberry is so bad-tempered…It's a miracle he's so…normal…Er, just…Just put on the wig and…get away from me. Hey, soutaicho, go spend the day with Fanime's little sisters!

Yamamoto: Very well.

Reason: Heads up: they're "hyperactive and out of control". Thought I should warn you.

Yamamoto: I deal with Kusajishi-fukutaicho on a daily basis; I think I'm prepared.

*Yamamoto leaves*

Reason: Ukitaaaaake!

Ukitake: Hi there!

Reason: Can you go hang out for today with Fanime? I'd seriously appreciate it.

Ukitake: Sure, but why?

Reason: You're such a nice guy, everyone felt bad about humiliating you, so that's all you've gotta do.

Ukitake: Oh, okay. *leaves*

Reason: Fanime, you should be getting a Juushiro in the mail any day now! Right…well, while we CONTINUE to wait for Gin…a letter from The Psychotic Cherry Blossom!

"_Reason, I have to say that your story has given me more amusement than I have experienced in quite some time. Being as I'm 'Mom' to eight little sisters and constantly correcting my friends boy mistakes, I'm going out of my mind, and your story gives me an escape from the lunacy. However, there is a favor of great importance I must ask of you, please make a character, any character, humiliate that little fem-bot Justin Bieber. I have to listen to his music constantly, hear my sister's talk about him constantly and act like slobbering fan-girls. *tears* I thought I raised them better. Maybe it's a birth defect? Please, please, please emasculate whatever testosterone that little tick has! I may be psychotic, but that little creep is driving me back to the asylum!_

_By the way, I think your theme song should be follow me down by 3OH!3 and Neon Hitch. I think it fits you. XP"_

Reason: OH MY GOSH, someone else who agrees with my feelings about that…that…freak! He isn't a male…he's a she-male. By the way, I've never heard that song, but I'll look it up!

*Gin comes running in with his creepy smile*

Gin: I pulled it, Reason-san. Ya got anything else I could do f'r ya?

Reason: Sure. First, play some Wii Tennis with Aizen.

*An epic fight of Wii Tennis ensues, turns into a Kido-shootin', racquet-swingin' buttkickin', which ends with…Aizen pulling out Kyoka Suigetsu…and Gin loses…*

Reason: Aizen, you CHEATER!

Aizen: You expected anything different?

*Gin whacks him in the face with the Wiimote and knocks him down*

Gin: Whoops, sorry, Aizen-sama, din't see ya there~

*Aizen growls and begins to speak, but is cut off by Matsumoto running over him, swiftly followed by the recovered Chizuru, who is being chased by a pissed-off Tatsuki*

Chizuru: Come back! I just want to…*drools*[CENSORED]

Tatsuki: GET BACK HERE YOU FREAK!

Gin: …Shoot 'im dead, Shinso.

*Chizuru gets impaled through the shoulder*

Reason: Why not a fatal shot?

Gin: She's complimentin' her, technically. And anyways, she's just a human…

Reason: I see…Well, let's wrap this chapter up, with sending you off to totally mindscrew this kid!

*gives picture of Bieber to Gin, who throws it on the ground*

Gin: I know who that is, Reason, and I'll be _glad_ t' take care a'it for ya. *leaves*

Reason: Well, the next Transmission Intermission should be fun, huh? Gin has some pretty…interesting…stuff up his flapping sleeves.

Aizen: Indeed.

Franziska: Ha! Those foolish fools who he's about to expose the sheer foolishness of to the world won't even know what hit their foolish selves, because they're too foolish to understand!

Reason: I think I lost you about five 'foolish'es back, Franziska. Anyway, first, there is a poll on my page asking whether I should start posting the new Broken Requiem-that I had accidentally deleted, and haven't felt like putting back up yet. But if people do wanna read it, I will, so go vote! And now, the cast for next time: Drama Trauma Time!

Kurosaki Ichigo

Abarai Renji

Kuchiki Byakuya

Kuchiki Rukia

Kurosaki Karin

Hinamori Momo

Hitsugaya Toshiro

Aizen: We've got backed up dares for some of these people…

Reason: Duh? So, you know the watchword…

All: REVIEW!

Reason: And go vote!


	9. Episode 6: Drama, Trauma, Who's Yo Momma

*The entire cast is on a sunny and gorgeous beach and dressed accordingly-everyone but Reason, Hitsugaya and Rukia are playing volleyball. Hitsugaya is sulking under an umbrella with a watermelon ice. Rukia is making a sand bunny. Reason, from her perch in a beach chair, raises her glass of lemonade in a salute.*

Reason: Sorry it's been so long! Welcome to the private beach Aizen conquered for us, just for this episode! *smiles gleefully* That Hogyoku really is pretty handy… if I didn't have APAP, I might have to look into stealing it off him.

Hitsugaya: *yells irritatedly at Reason* You have access to nearly-infinite power, and you use it to buy a BEACH?

Reason: Sure. There are four excellent reasons, Shiro-chan. *holds up four fingers* One. I really wanna go to the beach! *puts down pinky* Two. I'm so happy it's getting warm and close to summer that I might explode. *puts down ring finger* Three. Where else would I hold this episode-an exciting Drama-Traumaganza- but on a beach, where it's practically required to wear a swimsuit? *puts down middle finger* And four…*uses the last finger to point at Byakuya playing volleyball in the same outfit he wore in the Bleach on the Beach thing-the jacket with Company Six's symbol and the swimsuit, and his hair down* It took a little bribery, but it was SO worth it.

*Hitsugaya rolls his eyes and returns to his watermelon ice*

Reason: I know I'm not the only one who appreciates that, right? *smiles* Well, in any case, the only thing I own here is this beach, this chair, and this lemonade. Sadly, I don't own any of these people. Well, Aizen? First letter?

Aizen: Ahem. This is from Shadowfreddy. *reads with a perfect accent*

" _juajauajajauauaç_

_buahahahahaha_

_ajajajajaajaja_

_aparte de esos, haz que hinamori momo beba diez litros de jugo antes de dormirse a ver si sigue siendo la moja camas."_

Reason: …*frowns. She doesn't speak anything but English fluently.* Well, with the help of Google Translate… "Apart from these, let Hinamori Momo drink ten liters of juice before bed to see if she still wets the bed." Aww, that's just plain mean…but we shall give her those ten liters this evening. Next, from TriOblivion:

TriOblivion (to be refered to as Tri from now on): (Laughs with Arrancar harem consisting of Tia Harribel, Sun-Sun, Mila-Rose, Apache, Cirruci Sandawicci, and Nellial Tu Odershwank AKA Nel's adult form) Great Reason!

"_Harribel: I have a dare for Miss Kuchiki...who in your opinion is cuter Renji or Ichigo?_

_Sun-Sun: You do realize Harribel-sama she is probably asked that non-stop. Dare for Hitsugaya-taichou...kiss Hinamori-fukutaichou._

_Nel: HI ITSYGO! I have a truth for you. Tell how each of these people are attractive: Orihime, Rukia, Momo, Unohana-taichou and myself._

_Tri: Okay I have the last one and my dare is for Byakuya and Rukia...pretend that Rukia is actually Hisana for the whole episode and at the end Rukia and Byakuya have to kiss."_

Reason: Oh snap…I hate ByaRuki…they're just too similar. OI! RUKIA! BYAKUYA!

*They leave the volleyball game and come over to Reason's chair*

Rukia: What is it? A dare for us?

Reason: That, and a truth for you. Who do you think is cuter-the pineapple or the strawberry? By which I mean the meatheads, not the fruits.

Rukia: *blushes* Do I really have to answer that…?

Byakuya: …

Reason: *shudders* Yikes, I can feel the murderous-intent just rolling off of you. You're scary, Rokuban-taicho! Well, Rukia?

Rukia: *blushes even deeper* Well…they're attractive in different ways…but…* voice goes quiet* I think…Ichigo…

Reason: *punches the air…* Awesome, I was right! *snatches Byakuya's wrist as he starts to go off after Ichigo* Can you not kill him until after the bonfire this evening? I need him to stay around for a bit. Anyway, you haven't heard your dare yet…

Byakuya: …*eyes narrow* Very well. Now unhand me.

Reason: *releases him* Thanks. Well…*scratches head* First off, for once, I'm actually sorry about this…but we're gonna have to pretend Rukia is Hisana for today, okay? And…you guys are gonna have to kiss later.

*Byakuya and Rukia yell simultaneously*: WHAT?

Byakuya: This is ridiculous. What wretched fool would suggest something like that?

*Rukia's flushing the color of the blood that Bleach characters must have infinite quantities of.*

Reason: Like I said, I actually am a little sorry about this…*shrugs* Actually, it's not gonna be for ALL today, 'cause I have more dares for Rukia that require us to not pretend she's someone else. So…how about until our bonfire? During the fire, we'll take care of those…then after, I'll see if I can't do something that you'll all actually enjoy. Deal? And can you turn OFF the murderous intent, Byakuya? You're gonna kill all the non-captain-levels here. Not to mention the fish.

Byakuya: …Fine.

Rukia: …Well, if Nii-sama is fine with it…then I guess I am, too.

Reason: Great. Thanks, guys. Now…*smiles evilly* OI! STRAWBERRRRRRRY!

*Ichigo jumps nearly ten feet and turns around*

Ichigo: MY NAME IS ICHIGO!

Reason: I like Strawberry better. It's cute! Now get your strawberry tail over here.

*He complies, albeit muttering about 'power-crazed bitches'. Byakuya and 'Hisana' walk off to sit together under another umbrella.*

Reason: You wanna die?

Ichigo: Just try it!

Reason: Don't tempt me. Now, truth time. Nel wants to know. Tell us how Rukia, Orihime, Unohana-taicho, Momo, and Nelliel Tu Oderschwank are attractive.

Ichigo: *flushes* You mean her adult form?

Reason: Yep. That's why I used her full name instead of Nel. I also like Nelliel better. *shrugs* So, how 'bout it?

Ichigo: *rolls eyes* Orihime is…innocent, I guess? She's also a lot smarter than she acts.

Reason: Wouldn't be difficult. And I think you're skipping something. I mean, you're a guy.

Ichigo: *glares* You little…

Reason: Well, if you don't think you can handle talking about girls' bodies…Go on. Unohana-taichou?

Ichigo: *ignores jab* Well, she's really wise…and crap? She's very serene…and way too old for me. Wait, Nel? Why the hell does she wanna know? And when the hell did she meet Unohana?

Reason: Your guess is as good as mine. Momo?

Ichigo: I've barely ever met her! And I'm not attracted to her! She's obsessed with Aizen!

Reason: Fair enough, I suppose…And Nelliel?

Ichigo: She's pretty pacifist…but her voice is kinda a turnoff…

Reason: Somebody's gonna get bitch-slapped. But let's leave tomorrow's troubles for tomorrow. I don't suppose you can go give this to Momo, can you? *holds up a tube of watermelon lip gloss*

Ichigo: HELL NO! How would that look-me handing a girl a tube of lip gloss?

Reason: Relax. I've got party favors for everyone, I'm just giving her hers a little ahead of time. Now I gotta go talk to Shiro-chan. *shoves lip gloss at Ichigo* Give it to her or I will give your body to Kurotsuchi.

*Reason pushes Ichigo in the direction of the volleyball net and goes off to Hitsugaya's emo table.*

Reason: What's up with the emo table, Shiro-chan? You're being antisocial. Again.

Hitsugaya: I hate heat. And it's Hitsugaya-taicho!

Reason: I know you hate heat, there's no Reason to be rude. *winks*

*A volleyball hits her in the back of the head. Hitsugaya looks up and Reason looks around. Aizen is standing at the volleyball net, glaring.*

Aizen: *yelling* That was even worse than usual!

Reason: *winces* Yeah, it was pretty bad, I guess. But that doesn't excuse it! *lobs volleyball back at Aizen and knocks him in the face as well, then turns back to Hitsugaya* Yo, Shiro-chan. You're up.

Hitsugaya: IT'S HITSUGAYA-TAICHO! And I refuse to participate.

Reason: Gonna act the coward in front of Aizen, Hinamori, and Karin? I KNOW there's someone in there you don't wanna seem frightened to...

Hitsugaya: *flushes* Fine. What am I supposed to do this time?

Reason: *smirks* See Hinamori over there? Go kiss 'er.

Hitsugaya: WHY WOULD I KISS THAT BEDWETTER?

Reason: 'Cause you have to, or I'll humiliate you epically. Remember when I turned Madarame's Zanpaku-to into a candy cane? I'll do something worse to you.

Hitsugaya: Gr…! I'm gonna kill you!

Reason: You wish you could. Not one of you is strong enough to kill an author, though, so…Go on. Shoo!

*propels Hitsugaya towards the field*

Reason: Yo! Momo!

*Hinamori comes over*

Hinamori: Yes, Reason-san?

Reason: Shiro-chan wants to say something to you.

*Hitsugaya glares at her, and Reason thumbs over her shoulder at Aizen, who has returned to the volleyball game and is, as far as we can tell, actually playing fair for once*

Hitsugaya: …Gr…

*He kisses Hinamori lightly on the lips then walks away. Hinamori is blushing like a rose.*

Hinamori: …Wh-what was that all about?

Hitsugaya: *yelling* Don't think anything, Bedwetter Momo! It was just a dare!

Reason: Is he blushing? I can't see from here! Well, whatever, next is Fanime-Sensei!

"_*hasn't been on the internet for a while* I was quite entertained by that last episode. BTW I sent you a postcard of me and Juushiro in the Bahamas! LoL! _

_*looks at Byakuya, drools* *quickly stops myself* Anyways, I dare Byakuya to get in a tag battle with Yoruichi, just like old times! It would be so funny if she won... again. _

_I also dare Ichigo and Renji to go through pages of yaoi pics of them together. *grins mischievously* _

_... I like Rukia too much... I dare her to come down to the Bahamas with me and Juushiro! =D_

_Karin, is it true you have a crush on Toushiro?_

_... *almost says something super cruel for Momo* *decides to keep my mouth shut*_

_Toushiro-Kun! I've got nothing I just wanted to say that =3"_

*Aizen comes over*

Aizen: A seagull just dropped this on me…Here. *hands a postcard to Reason. It has a glossy photo of Fanime and Juushiro posing together on the beach*

Reason: Thanks, Aizen-and Fanime! I hope you're having fun out there! Rukia will join you after she's gotten the rest of her dares out of the way. Hm, is Yoruichi even here? I was talking to her earlier…*spies a black cat stepping lightly along the upper dunes, away from the water* OI! Yoru! *runs after the cat*

*After Yoruichi has changed back to human and been dressed in a swimsuit...*

Yoruichi: So what's up, Reason? By the way, it's a great beach.

Reason: Can you provoke Byakuya into a tag battle again?

Yoruichi: Can Ichigo scowl? What do you think?

Reason: Heh. Alright then. BYAKUYAAAA!

*Byakuya, looking vaguely disgruntled, but hiding it as best he can, gets up and walks over*

Byakuya: What foolish nonsense is it this time-*glances at Yoruichi* You?

Yoruichi: *grins widely* Who else, Byaku-bo? Wanna play tag?

Byakuya: …I have no time for such infantile games-

Yoruichi: *looks at Reason* Someone's scared he's gonna lose again, right, Reason?

Reason: Must be.

Byakuya: …*eye twitches ever so faintly*Fine. If that's what you want…

*They both vanish. Every few minutes one of them reappears, just dodging the other's lunges and jabs.*

Byakuya: *suddenly reappearing with Yoruichi just behind him* Did you really think that'd work? *reaches to tag her*

Yoruichi: Did you think THAT was gonna work? *dodges and appears a second later on his arm, then jumps off* Beaten again, Byaku-bo!

Byakuya: …Tch. *eye twitches again*

Reason: Yoruichi, you're so fast. *smirks at Byakuya* Can you run and get the laptop from the house? I need to torment Ichigo and Renji some.

Yoruichi: Sure thing. *disappears*

Reason: Does anyone else feel the need for evil laughter? I do.

*Aizen appears behind her and laughs evilly. Reason jumps about ten feet.*

Reason: God, Aizen…just why…?

*He just smirks. Then Reason knees him in the crotch. He collapses and starts moaning.*

Reason: You asked for it. If everyone did that when they saw you…

*Yoruichi reappears with the laptop*

Yoruichi: I can't wait to see the look on Ichigo's face!

Reason: Should've known YOU of all people would know what yaoi is. Alright, get the fruit boys over here. OI! DEATHBERRY! PINEAPPLE!

*Ichigo and Renji stop playing and respond simultaneously* WHAT?

Reason: You actually answered to those names? Idiots. Get over here, I have something I need to show you!

*While they take their sweet time getting over there, Reason pulls up the deviantArt page and searches 'IchiRen'. When they sit down at a nearby picnic table, Reason sets it down facing her, then turns it towards them.*

Renji: *splutters and turns red*

Ichigo: THE HELL IS THIS?

Reason: Aw, did you not know what yaoi is, Strawberry? Has this corrupted you?

Ichigo: N-NO! I KNEW WHAT IT WAS! I'M STILL FREAKED OUT! AND MY NAME ISN'T STRAWBERRY! …RENJI! SAY SOMETHING, WOULD YOU?

*Renji has fallen off the bench and is not moving. Reason pokes at his face.*

Reason: I think he's dead. Geez, where Strawberry and Byaku-bo failed, I succeeded with some pictures on a computer…

*She slaps his cheeks, takes the opportunity to draw a mustache, then dumps a bucket of water on him. He sits straight up, spluttering.*

Reason: *with the snottiest fake French accent ever* Monsieur Pineapple, please don't die on my beach. Such awkward questions would arise…

Renji: *flushes* You bitch!

Reason: *totally ignores as she goes and pulls Karin out of the volleyball game*

Karin: What are you doing? I was totally winning!

Reason: Easy now. I just needed you to answer a question for me.

Karin: What?

Reason: Are you crushing on Shiro-chan?

Karin: I don't crush-who?

*Reason points at the sulking Hitsugaya with his fresh watermelon ice*

Karin: Oh. That guy. *turns only a LITTLE red* Nope.

Reason: You're lying.

Karin: Nope.

*They sit there going back and forth for about five minutes before Reason tosses up her hands and walks away.*

Reason: You know she is. And now, from ChaoticHollow:

"_Thank you for allowing me to torture Aizen. This is gonna be really fun. First, you can't use Kyoka Suigetsu. Next, stay in your pixie-fairy form for the duration of all the dares(and truths maybe). Wear Uryu's most girly dress. Show yourself in front of all your Espada while wearing the dress and let them say everything they want about you. Eat Orihime's cooking for a week. And finally, STOP DRINKING TEA! (That's what happens when you are an asshole)_

_Byakuya, burn a sakura tree._

_Toshiro, let Hinamori call you Shiro-chan whenever she wants._

_Hinamori, tell Shiro-chan that you are in love with him and set Aizen on fire._

_And sorry about the spoiler._

_P.S please tell Gin that i still like him even if he hit me with Shinso while trying to kill Justin Bieber."_

Reason: *eyes glint evilly as she looks at Aizen* Too true, this IS gonna be fun. *menacing grin as she grabs his Zanpaku-to away* This is MINE now.

Aizen: …You have just surpassed the top of the hit list. You were at the top before, but now, you're beyond that.

Reason: Great, I love surpassing things. Maybe I could give Renji some pointers. Turn fairy, now!

Aizen: I refuse.

*Reason shoots a burst of APAP at him and forces him into it*

Reason: Aizen, what possessed you to make your ultimate form a freakin' fairy anyway?

Aizen: …No comment.

Reason: Right…*tosses a dress that she had in a bag over to him* Put this on. Do it! Or else I get to force it on you, and I don't want to see that!

Aizen: I. Refuse. And you will NOT force it onto me.

Reason: Fine. *suddenly kicks him in the face, and in a stealthy move worthy of Yoruichi, yanks off his dress coat thing and replaces it with Uryu's dress, which is hot-pink-and-purple, with princess sleeves and a ruffled hem that comes to about Aizen's knees. He has hairy legs.*

Reason: EW…thank you for the brain trauma, Chaotic…um…oh crap, I needed those brain cells. Um, what was next? *consults list* Ah, yes. *clicks her fingers and transports the pair, along with Momo and Hitsugaya, to the Espada council room.*

Reason: Tea-time with Aizen, would you like cream or sugar with your waste of time? Oh, I forgot, we're rehabbing you for the tea addiction too. *surveys the Espada* Behold your Aizen-sama, Espada, and weep!

*Starrk's napping and doesn't care. Barragan doesn't react. Halibel is as usual and doesn't have emotions. Ulquiorra doesn't look. Nnoitra is giggling. Grimmjow laughs manically, and then gets into a staring contest with Ulquiorra, which he loses. Zommari is meditating. Szayel Aporro licks his lips. Aaronerio's two heads laugh in their funky dual voice. Yammy gives a belly laugh.*

Reason: You're all afraid of him, aren't you. *sighs* I was hoping for some snarky comment, but…bah. Yo, Shiro-chan?

Hitsugaya: Please address me as Hitsugaya-taicho.

Reason: Whatever. Just so you know, you gotta let Momo call you that now.

Hitsugaya: NO WAY!

Reason: Yep. Oh, and Momo…*hands a slip of paper with her dare on it*

Momo: I-I can't do this to Aizen-taicho…

Reason: You're like completely ignoring the other bit.

Momo: I…can't…

Reason: Go on, Momo. You've nothing to lose.

Grimmjow: Except her dignity!

Reason: *points at Grimmjow* Hado number thirty-one: Byakurai.

*Grimmjow just barely dodges.*

Grimmjow: You missed!

Reason: I don't miss, honey. I give warning shots. That was your last one. C'mon, Momo, I wanna go back to the beach.

Momo: Okay…okay…I…I love you—

*Reason begins to grin*

Momo: Aizen-taicho! *pulls out a match and sets Hitsugaya on fire*

Reason: No! No no no! Wrong way around! *extinguishes Hitsugaya* Sorry, Shiro-chan. Unohana'll fix you right up.

*Hitsugaya twitches as he cools his burns with the dropping air temperature*

Reason: Whatever…Somehow I don't think I can cure your insane emotional baggage, Momo…Well, see you all later-

Grimmjow: Not likely…

Reason: You will be back, Grimmkitty. I'll even let you fight Ichigo.

Grimmjow: Even so, no way in hell! AND DON'T CALL ME GRIMMKITTY!

Reason: Maybe when you're not a furry. Ja mata ne! *snaps them back to the beach* Now, to find Byakushie…*looks around, spots him, and hurries over*

Byakuya: *glaring* This has to end.

Reason: Sure, you can finish it up, after you burn a sakura tree. There's one right over there. *points to a garden in the grassier areas beyond the dunes* Here's a pack of matches.

*Byakuya walks over to the tree and lights it up, then raises an eyebrow at Reason*

Byakuya: That is all?

Reason: Here I was thinking you might be a closet pyromaniac or something. Whatever. Just kiss her, then you can go back to your 'Knight-Templar-Older-Brother' deal.

*Irritation in his eyes, he kisses Rukia for about five seconds before walking away.*

Reason: I seriously have to figure out my reconciliation thing for everyone tonight, or I'm gonna get myself killed in the face. Uh…Rukia, after the bonfire, you're invited to go to the Bahamas with Fanime. You want to? Jushiro is there.

Rukia: I suppose that would be nice...

Reason: Great. Alright, next is a letter from NaliniAqua!

"_Heya! :D _

_This story is hilarious! Lol I really enjoyed the previous chapters and am looking forward to the next one. :)_

_Anyway, here are a few dares. _

_He hasn't been tapped for a turn yet, so here's one for Aizen. _

_I dare him to be a lab assistant for Urahara and Kurotsuchi, at the same time, in the same lab. He has to do whatever they say, no matter how weird it sounds._

_Alternatively, he could propose to Soi Fon and tell her that she's prettier than Yoruichi. _

_I also dare Momo to tell off Aizen in a spectacularly loudly and embarrassing (for him, too) way._

_I've got a question for Karin and Rukia. Would they be happy with each other as sisters-in-law?"_

Reason: Thank you very much. Aizen, you will be doing both.

Aizen: Do you seriously want to kill me?

Reason: I live but to beat you to the very brink of death. First, go visit Soi Fon. *sends him off* I love my spy-bugs, I'll have to thank Urahara. He'll have to do it, too, otherwise I'LL beat him, and that'll end worse. Those'll make great Transmission material. Hey, Rukia, go get Karin, would you?

*Before Karin comes over she spikes the volleyball into Ichigo's head. Then she deigns to leave the game.*

Reason: Nice spike, Karin. Anyway, how would you feel about being sisters-in-law?

Karin: Rukia's not too bad…and she keeps Nii-san in his place.

Rukia: Karin's in denial about ghosts, but she's pretty sensible for someone her age.

Reason: That's an affirmative, I suppose. You can go back to beating on Strawberry, Karin.

Karin: Excellent. *leaves*

*Aizen returns all bruised and battered. There are Suzumebachi stings all over him. It's a wonder he didn't die.*

Reason: You're still alive? And you went to be a guinea pig?

Aizen: *panting* I haven't…done that yet…

Reason: Just as well. Momo needs to tell you off. Momo, you have an issue with actually expressing yourself, so here's a script.

*The script involves all the various stabbings, the betrayal, and something about grand theft tea set.*

Momo: I…I can't read th-thi-this to Aizen-taicho…!

Reason: Yes you can. You have to.

*Momo crosses her fingers inside her sleeve and starts reading. When she's done, and crying…*

Momo: *embraces Aizen* I'M SORRRY AIZEN-TAICHOOOO!

Reason: Grrr…You are so screwed-up it's not even funny. Except it kinda is. Don't you get that he used you as a pawn?

Momo: He's my Captain! It's my job to be his pawn!

Reason: Does Unohana do shrink work? I think you need some. I'll wrap up the dare portion with another letter from ChaoticHollow:

"_You're not writing the next dare right? I hope you aren't cause i forgot 2 things. _

_Shiro-chan, let Ukitake give you a piggyback ride and Byakuya, how did u met Hisana? _

_Also, here are the pictures of the prank Gin pulled on both of them last time (the picture show Toshiro and Byakuya who somehow ended up married. I'm still trying to recover the video of the prank because someone almost completely erased it.)_

_Sorry Aizen if i gave you so many tortu...i mean dare. It just that you're the character i hate the most. Don't worry, I'll send u cake next time to say I'm sorry(Don't tell him this but Orihime and Rangiku will help me to do the cake)._

_And forget the last part in my other review about Gin and Justin Bieber OK? I wasn't really thinking when i wrote that. Continue your good work and keep making the life of our favorite character HELL. ;)"_

Reason: I plan on that last, Chaotic. Count on it. *smirks* Sadly, Ukitake has not yet returned; we'll take care of that when he does. *pulls picture out of envelope and falls over laughing at it* Gin's a genius…I'm really gonna have to work hard to top this one…Aizen, Chaotic apologizes.

Aizen: …Hmph. I don't forgive.

Reason: Not even for cake?

Aizen: Perhaps for more tea…

Reason: Nope. *runs over to Byakuya, yet again*

Byakuya: …You again? Get out of my sight.

Reason: But the public wants to know!

Byakuya: I hardly care, even if I knew what the 'public wants to know'. Begone.

Reason: But how did you meet Hisana?

Byakuya: I don't see how that's any of your business.

*Reason holds up photo from Chaotic*

Byakuya: That-!

Reason: This won't get published, if you don't tell me.

Byakuya: Very well. I was required to enter Inuzuri District for some minor business, and I saw her there, working as a shop assistant.

Reason: I see. *hands photo*

Byakuya: Hado number thirty-three. Shakkaho.

*The photo combusts. Reason walks away.*

Reason: Maybe he is a closet pyro after all. Fortunately, I made an extra with my pocket copier.

*Several hours later, the sky is dark and filled with stars. The cast-except for Aizen, who's been shipped off to Urahara and Kisuke-is all seated on the sand around a big fire.*

Reason: First off…Momo, you're gonna have to drink that juice. *points at a ten-stack of single liter bottles full of fruit punch*

Momo: …Okay…

Reason: Now…PARTY! *kicks up the music* Everyone have fun!

*She opens up a panel that zooms in on interesting tidbits. After a bit, Rukia and Ichigo sneak away. Renji's face flushes and he reaches for his Zanpaku-to, which he's not actually wearing.*

*Hitsugaya and Karin are chatting in low voices. From what can be heard, they're talking about soccer.*

*Momo's staring soulfully out over the ocean.*

*Byakuya's sitting alone and staring into the fire.*

Reason: Fireworks time! *shouts to the barge out on the ocean* OI! KUUKAKU! GANJU! IT'S GO TIME!

Kuukaku: AYE AYE!

*With booming cracks, fireworks get shot into the sky, blossoming and fading within seconds on the starry canvas. The song playing is Hanabi.*

Reason: Remember, everyone, voting for the new Broken Requiem is now open! The cast for next time will be:

Jaegerjacques Grimmjow

Kurotsuchi Mayuri

Shiba Kuukaku

Zabimaru the Zanpaku-to Spirit

Kon

Arruruerie Aaronerio

Reason T. Scatter

Reason: That's right. This time I'll be accepting personal truths and dares, though I will have a little discretion for my truths. How's that for a reconciliation move, people? I'll be dealing with the same humiliation as you!

Hitsugaya: I suppose that'll have to do.

Reason: Whatever, Shiro-chan. Right! NOW!

*The fireworks stop for an instant, then spell the word VOTE! across the sky. The music stops at the same time, and…*

Everyone: REVIEW!


	10. Urgent Broadcast: Declaim, Proclamation

Reason: Well, hello, everyone. Today, I have a rather sad announcement to make.

*Aizen punches the air in the background yelling "YES!" very loudly*

Reason: Shut up, Aizen. In any case…I am well aware that we aren't supposed to make new chapters for author's notes, but I don't think it'd be right to just let this fic go without a word. Unfortunately, currently I am unable to continue A Dose of Unreason. Lately, I've had a humor block, and I'm not posting chapters that don't make me at least snicker first. That's poor quality control. I also have two other, more serious fics I want to focus on for now, including a new Kuroshitsuji story.

Aizen: Way to advertise yourself, Reason.

Reason: Aizen, be a dear and go jump in a kerosene lake with a lit cigarette, will you? Anyway, after Finding a Place to Feel At Home and The Right Kind of Wrong are finished, I will return to the studios; but for now, the show is on hold. I apologize. The dares will be frozen at the 36th review. I hope to see you then!

Aizen: I get to go back to my day job now, thank Aizen.

Reason: I will sic a horny Grell Sutcliff on you if you do not shut up. This is a serious moment. If you comment, I'll do my best to get back to you.

*Reason bows deeply*

Reason: Thank you very much for supporting me up 'til now, and I hope you'll come back to support me when the studios reopen. If anyone would be interested in seeing what of Episode Six was filmed before I developed that block, please visit my profile and vote in the poll. Thank you very much. *bows again*

Aizen: As always, Reason owns nothing…now even less 'nothing' than before!

Reason: If you think this is funny, Aizen, I've borrowed that instrument that Fred and George threatened Zacharias Smith with, and I will use it to find and repair your clearly screwed up sense of humor.


End file.

Bleach, Humor