Mass Effect The Very Secret Diaries of Commander Shepard

The Very Secret Diaries of Commander Shepard, N7 Vanguard

DAY 1

Bored bored bored. Anderson comes by every once and a while. A big meathead Marine, James Vega, comes by too. I think he's a fanboy. Don't have the heart to tell him I'm involved. Fear he might paint himself blue or something. Maybe should tell. Liara will kill him if he tries anything.

DAY 2

I TOLD THEM SO.

I TOLD THEM SO.

I TOLD THEM SO.

I TOLD THEM SO.

I TOLD THEM SO.

I TOLD THEM SO.

DAY 2– Ctd.

Now Earth has Reaper all over the lawn. Ship's got a skeleton crew, plus Ash and Vega. Don't feel like talking to anyone.

Stupid Anderson. Should have done a biotic YOINK to get his ass on the Normandy. Shoulda YOINKED that….

I don't feel like talking anymore.

DAY 2– Ctd.

LIARA'S HERE. Must resist urge to drag her under covers and hide until Reapers gone. Says she found blueprints for Prothean Weapon that will save us all. Beats sucking thumb and sobbing.

Ash is hurt. Vega is never allowed to drive anything again.

Picked up funky Cerberus mech. Oh, and Illusive Man still dickweed.

DAMN, but Liara double tapping those Cerberus goons was HAWT.

DAY 3

So… Suppose you saved the whole frikkin' galaxy from the Reapers twice already, even when the Council had their heads in the sand. Would they learn? Nope 3-for-3. Council still has heads in sand. Regret saving their ungrateful asses. Screw Paragon score.

Trying to drag Liara into cabin for Eternity Embracing. She's not moving from the lab. Dammit. May have to attack in her lab.

Ash has to stay in hospital. Can't get rid of Vega. Would trade in heartbeat, even if Ash still has trust issues. New HAWT yeoman. Decided to drag HAWT newsperson along with us. Liara not showing signs of jealousy.

Having to go rescue some Turian High Muckymuck. He'll probably want me to fetch his slippers before he comes with. Must remember to bring net.

Best of all – three for three in Annoying Reporter Punching contest. Should check my standings in the Citadel pool.

DAY 4

Needed bodybag for muckymuck. Chain of succession led to a Renegade General Who Doesn't Play By The Rules. Like him.

DOUBLE BONUS – got GARRUS too. Considering shooting RGWDPBTR and appointing Garrus. May save me annoying side quests. Nah. Need G-Man for sniper and assorted mayhem.

DAY 5

GREAT ZOMBIE JESUS, planetary dignitaries even worse than Council. But WREX here. Says Krogan won't work until genophage cured. WREX needs to remember who is Commander. But hope – Salarians have fertile Krogan female. WREX climbing walls. Understand how he feels.

Hacket dumping bunch of side quests on me. Bastard. He's now on shit list after Reapers, I-Man, Council and War Council.

EDI used Cerberus mech to make body for herself. Hawt robot chassis. Joker obviously considering becoming robosexual. Must start betting pool for how long it takes.

DAY 6

Picked up "Eve" and MORDIN. WREX spending more time alone in shower than me. Eve just stalling to make him wait. Would be funny if I didn't share his pain.

Oh, Cerberus tried to ruin party. Major Kirrahe showed up. Coulda sworn he was dead. Would trade him for Kaiden in heartbeat. Would trade Kirrahe's gun for both of them. Am probably shallow.

DAY 7

Went back to Citadel. Ash being considered for Spectre status. She deserves it. Buried hatchet finally. (Not in Udina's skull, but considering it on general principles.) She's still too sick to come.

Thane there too. Poor bastard is too sick to come with. But he's going to help Ash with P.T. Liara still colder than fish. Checking medical database for Asari Aphrodisiacs.

Aria T'whatever wants me to get bunch of mercs to unite and join Anti-Reaper-Army. Jebus, do I have to do EVERYTHING?

DAY 7, ctd:

EVERYBODY WANTS ME TO WIPE THEIR ASSES FOR THEM. I HATE YOU ALL, YOU SIDEQUEST GIVING #$%ers.

Oh, and EDI is totally into Joker too. Must double down in the Hook Up Pool.

OH, and if I find out there's a When Will Shepard and Liara Hook Up Pool, I swear to God I will kill everyone involved.

Unless I get a cut.

Liara still won't talk anything but business, WTF?

DAY 8

Visiting Scenic Tchunaka. Shooting some Harvesters and other misc Reaper minions. Brought Liara and Garrus. Felt like old times. Having to rescue Admiral's Screw Up Kid is not great, but it's better than collecting sidequests.

Kid was a screwup, but owned his failures and then died a hero. Hated to have to tell his dad. Turns out the Turians left a bomb in case genophage wasn't enough. Cerberus found it and was gonna blow it up so Turians and Krogans would be fighting each other.

Going to wear steel toed boots when kicking I-Man in the junk.

Next Step. We cure the genophage.

DAY 9

Liara thawing a little. I get it. Fate of universe on shoulders kills the mood for her. I understand and am sympathetic. But DAMMIT. I WANT TO Embrace Eternity with her so bad I may go cross eyed.

About to drop to Tchu to fix genophage. "Eve" wants to come along. Nutsy but gutsy.

#$%ing Salarian Dalabitch says she's gonna withhold troops if we cure genophage. Says she can make it look like an accident.

Going to double check with Mordin where to kick Dalabitch so it hurts most.

DAY 9, ctd

Of COURSE Reapers want to keep genophage uncured and have Reaper humping the gizmo that we wanna use to distribute cure. Don't understand why we can't give a gallon of the stuff to Wrex and call it a day, but I'm not Queen of Galaxy. YET. Have to pick out a nice tiara for co-Queen Liara I.

OF COURE, I'd be happy to trot through abandoned catacombs to find way for land forces to get to the party. OF COURSE Turians couldn't wait to start fight without me.

It is hard being only sensible person in universe. Think I'd be used to it by now.

DAY 9, ctd.

GOD DAMMIT MORDIN.

DAY 10

So much for a victorious return to the Citadel. I-Man is getting kicked in the junk so hard his funky eyeballs are going to pop right out.

GODDAMMIT THANE. I am far too cool to cry this much.

DAY 10, ctd.

WTF was up with Udina? I knew he was a scumsucking politician, but I never thought he was a dirty scumsucking politician.

And Ash finally got Spectred and unclenched. Yay team us.

DAY 11

More Frakkin' Sidequests. Wondering how the universe got along without me wiping its ass.

Definitely going to win the Joker and EDI pool.

Liara's continuing to thaw. Leaving time capsule for next iteration just in case we lose. Getting written up as Big Damn Hero good for ego.

On the dammit-why-now-side, both Hawt Reporter and Hawt Yeoman starting to come on to me. Liara will kill me if they try anything. Plan to sucker Yeoman with chess gambit. Plan on financing retirement with chess winnings. Not that going to need retirement fund.

DAY 11, ctd:

Retirement plan up in smoke. Ship needs a pool table.

DAY 12

Boredom of system surveys now spiced up by playing "Holy Crap, it's a reaper, let's get the hell outa here."

Beat the crap out of a couple of Cerberus bases.

DAY 13

Back to Eden Prime, where it all began. Never knew Jenkins well. Kaiden did, but now both are dead. Brought Ash, but now worried that I'll lose her too. Never used to worry so much.

Liara says we've got a working Prothean-sicle. Also, getting killed didn't get Beacon or Cipher out of head. Can understand Prothean TV.

Really hope it's not a janitor in there.

DAY 14

Not a janitor. A soldier. Also, kind of a jackass. Very full of himself. Of course, when he went to sleep, humanity was still in the Fire Bad, Tree Pretty mode. No help at all wrt Crucible.

Decided to make long jump to Quarian space. Need Tali. No, not that way. Okay, yes she's adorable and all, but Kal'Regar will kill me if I try anything. Quarians in middle of big ruckus with Geth. Morons. Took ADMIRAL Tali and EDI to Geth main cruiser to take out the Reaper signal controlling them. Not too much of a cluserfrak, but on the upside, got to rescue Legion.

AND THEN ADMIRAL FRAKTARD decided to start firing on Geth ship with ME on it. (Not to mention one of their admirals being onboard). Gave him a good kick in the junk when I got back to ship. Other Quarians want to take Legion apart. Give them the same if they try. Now, abt to rescue Admiral Dumbass because he crashed on nearby planet.

DAY 15

Ash can't hold her liquor. Thought about sending Chakwas in to help. Should have taken pictures for Epic After Victory Party.

All over Quarian homeworld. Had to rescue Q Admiral so home fleet would not be chewed up. Had to take out AA guns so we could take out Geth/Reaper signal. Killed a boatload of Geth.

Oh, and kicked a Reaper's ass. BOO-YAH.

But GODDAMIT LEGION

DAY 15, Ctd

Must remember to delete TRON from N movie archives.

Also,

DOUBLE GODDAMIT LEGION

DAY 16

Back to Citadel. Side quests returned.

Saw Massani. Was working wrong side until his captured volus said I was coming for them. Picked right side after that and is gathering mercs for fun free for all.

Believe I will win big on J/EDI pool.

Tali now Admiral Tali. Says I don't have to salute her. Good.

Let Garrus win sharpshooting contest. That's what Best Friends Forever do. Worried he's gonna get hurt. Don't I can face universe after a "GODDAMIT GARRUS".

Liara looking to pick things up again. Guess war made her unsteady. Should have asked. Still no luck finding out who's running the L/S pool. EDI swears it's not her, but she can lie now. Great.

Gave interview to reporter. Nice cleavage but not much upstairs. Still, she knows when not to ask dumb questions. Perhaps Reporter Punching set good precedent.

DAY 17

Went to Thessia. In bad shape. Turns out they had a beacon they'd been sitting on all these centuries. It knew what the Catalyst is and was going to tell us. Turns out, Crucible is product of multiple cycles, each one getting closer to completion. But faction inside Protheans thought it'd be better to control Reapers instead of stomping them flat. Sound familiar?

Enter Cerberus Dead-Man-Walking Kai Leng.

he kicked our asses. got data for i-man. barely made it out alive.

GODDAMIT SHEPARD. Should have ventilated the bastard instead of talking to IM. No second chances. Need to kill never been higher.

DAY 18

Hot Yeoman has a lead on where Leng went. Heading there, full speed. Only stopping to kick every Cerb ass between me and Leng.

Got a little out of control in fight with Cerb goons during pitstop. Have to watch temper. But it feels so good to kick their asses.

DAY 19

Went to investigate Wrex's rumors of Rachni. True. There was a bunch of husked Rach and GRUNT. He's a bad mama jama strike team leader. We went into nasty tunnels full of h-rs. Killed a bunch. There was a not-really-a-queen there. Said if we freed her she'd join the fight.

Took a long minute to decide. Killed one Rachni queen back in the day. Couldn't sleep for a month because of it. Decided that I'd give this one a chance. Nothing meaner than an angry mom. Wasn't sure because Grunt and his men might not make it out. Didn't want to lose another friend. Cold calculus. Hate math.

Thank the goddess (if Liara will excuse me stealing her line) GRUNT'S ALIVE.

DAY 20

Took comm station out of Cerb hands. Javik's a dick. Don't like him. He's not coming with again.

DAY 21

Headed to Sanctuary – were Cerberus rumors. True rumors. I-Man was doing mass testing on refugees to see if he could control indoctrination and eventually control Reapers. Idiot.

Miranda was there. Dad ran the place – Ori a prisoner. We…

GODDAMMIT MIRANDA.

That one hit the crew hard. Found TALI drunk.

Farewell, Perfect Cerberus Cheerleader Barbie.

DAY 22

Kicked Cerb ass. Collected some swag so a dickweed arms dealer would sell to a general so he'd leave Blue Suns Alone, so Aria would add them to our fleets. Goddess, I hate side questing.

Also, gas becoming harder to find. Making non-Relay jumps more and more expensive.

Was wrong abt Rachni. Scientists dead. Feel like turd now.

DAY 23

Went to Asari Monastery For Wayward Ardat-Yakshi. Asari kept throwing commandos at the place, planning to blow it up so… I dunno. Seems like just interdicting the planet would be cheaper. Went down, found Samara and 2 of her A-K kids. One was half-way indoctrinated, other clean. Sam wanted to kill herself so that her A-K kid could get off world. Frak the code, I said. No way Sam gets to miss the war. Fortunately, surviving A-K kid agreed to live in ruins of monastery so Sam wouldn't have to break code.

I love my squaddies (well, most of them), but sometimes they need a good clubbing with a clue-by-four.

Saved Good Ol' Stupid Jacob and a bunch of Cerb scientists from Cerb. J seemed determined to make it a DAMMIT JACOB moment, but he didn't die. Oddly unmoved by J. Possibly due to his missing personality disorder.

Learned Jack died at Grissom Academy. Pretty pissed off abt that, actually. Usually when someone comes to me with sidequest that says Clock Is Ticking, it means precisely squat. V unfair. Suspect I should have checked on Miranda quicker.

DAY 24

Did some final bits of exploration, then ran around Citadel turning in lots of sidequests. Everyone acting like world about to end. Lots of conversations dripping with "it's been an honor to serve with you." SCREW THAT I am living through this and they are too. No More DAMMITS.

DAY 25

Went to Cerb HQ. EDI, Garrus and I kicked loads and loads of ass. We let Kai Leng think we thought he was dead, just so I could completely pwn his murdering ass. Still, unsatisfactory, wishing I could have hurt him more. Also, I-Man wasn't home.

J/EDI Pool still open. Out of running, personally. Was surprised until learned exactly how much pr0n Joker keeps on file.

And the Citadel is the Catalyst? WTF. (Oh well, just glad it wasn't me. Would have been V awkward.)

More "it's been an honor" speeches. I will so be making fun of their asses this time next year.

Can't believe anything else.

DAY 26

ETERNITY EMBRACED

FINALLY!

So… who won the pool?

DAY 26, ctd

LIARA? Oh, you are so dead.

DAY 27

Spent the day walking the ship (hopefully not for the last time), talking to the gang. Felt bad that I never really talked to Vega. Don't regret blowing off Javik. Kind of a tool.

DAY 28

Got to Earth. Looked like hell. Bumpy ride down.

GODDAMMIT CORTEZ.

Got to say last words to the gang. Gave them my best Give 'Em Hell speech. Had awesome moment with Liara.

Air cleared.

Everything calibrated.

Boots ready for ass kicking.

Love ya, Liara.

{uploading to .com/private/}


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Mass Effect