Naruto 1. Gaara

I know, I know

_I know, I know. It's madness. I entirely blame Thorn. DAMN HER ONESHOTS!_

Disclaimer-I don't own Naruto, or Pokemon cards. Hoshi belongs to Thorn. Don't hurt me.

Why I'm Not Allowed to Either  
_Why Gaara can't play Pokemon cards_

"Come on! I want a game!"  
"Alright, alright…" said the ninja. Gaara shuffled out two decks of Pokemon cards, handing one to the ninja.

They started playing.

A few turns later…

"Hippowdon uses Desert Funeral!"  
"But… it doesn't learn it…"  
"Hippowdon. Uses. Desert. _Funeral!_"  
"But it can't use i-"  
"DESERT FUNERAL"

"Aww… that's the fourth one this week…" said Gaara, looking at the blood all over his cards.

And so the Kazekage banned Gaara from playing again. And he swore a solemn oath.  
"I swear I shall dedicate my life to death now my cards have been taken!" yelled Gaara.

* * *

Years later…  
"As my first act as Kazekage, I declare a card tournament!" said Gaara. "I'll use my fighting types."

The people groaned.

"Now, where to get a Mew…"  
"Hey, bro, I hear Hoshi has one…" said Temari.  
"Hmm… get me the phone."

_Hehehehehehe... there may or may not be more. _

_Short, i know._


	2. Sasuke

I know, I know

_Yes, I'm back with another random oneshot!_

Disclaimer-I do not own Naruto. Nor do I own the song used in this chapter, I Hope You Die by the Bloodhound Gang.

_Why Sasuke can't have an iPod or Speaker_

Sasuke was psyched.

He'd waited so long for this chance. For his revenge.

For the chance to kill his brother.

Though, he'd never thought it would happen in a frogs stomach.

But that didn't matter.

"Sasuke! Don't do it!" yelled Naruto at him. Baka. Like Sasuke was going to lose this chance.  
"He is a jonin, you know." remarked Jiraiya. Like he was going to listen to a famous perv like him.

He ignored them. He'd waited _too long _to stop now. Today, Uchiha Itachi would die.

He drew a summoning scroll from his belt.

There was a gasp of suspense as a cloud of smoke emanated from it.

Sasuke clicked on the iPod, and the speakers, and held the microphone to his lips.

"Oniisan, this one's for you." he said to Itachi.

There was silence, and then music started to play.  
"I hope you flip some guy the bird, he cuts you off, and you're forced to swerve,  
In front of a Beatles tour bus, a Bookmobile, an eight man truck,  
Hauling hazardous biological waste, The light turns red, you have no brakes,  
And Hard Copy gets it all on tape, so you can see the look on your face,  
DIE, DIE..!" sang Sasuke.

Well, if you could call it singing.  
Itachi was wincing, from the 'singing' totally out of tune.  
Naruto had his hands over his ears and eyes, not bearing to hear or see the lyrics Sasuke was getting wrong.  
Jiraiya was desperately looking the other way, trying to miss the terrible air guitar.

Poor Kisame, nothing to do with any of it, was shaking from fear and despair.

"I hope this helps to emphasise! Ban-dana-bam, ban-dana, bam!  
I hope this helps to clarify! Ban-dana-bam, ban-dana, bam!  
I Hope you DIE!

I Hope you DIEEEEEEE!!" finished Sasuke.

There was silence, and then Naruto was heard to thank god loudly for the end. Jiraiya took some cotton wool out of his ears.

Itachi ran forwards, and starting beating the crap out of his little brother.

Really hard, as well. Looked painful.

"Ero-sensei, shouldn't we help?" asked Naruto.  
"After that song, I'm not sure which side I'm on."  
"Oh…"

* * *

In the hospital, Tsunade took one look at Sasuke. She'd heard how this happened.

She took the summoning scroll.  
"You are NOT getting these back. Ever. It's for your own protection."  
"Aw, come on, Tsunade, can't I-"  
"EVER!"

_And that's why Sasuke left to join Orochimaru, who let him sing as badly as he wanted. Taking lessons from Tayuya._

_Crap, now I have to write that…_


	3. Yugito Nii

_Hello and welcome to another instalment of Why I'm not Allowed to Either! Please enjoy._

Disclaimer-I do not own Naruto. I haven't even tried pocky. (Cries)

Why I'm not Allowed To Either 3  
Why Yugito Nii isn't allowed Pocky

"Yugito, you've done very well in your training. I'm taking us out to dinner!" said the ninja.  
"Hai, sensei!" said the young Jinchuriki.

* * *

"Any good?" asked the sensei, smiling at her charge.  
"Yeah, really nice!" she replied enthusiastically.  
"Do you want anything else?"  
"Umm…" said Yugito, looking down the menu. "What's pocky?"

The sensei blinked.

"You've never had pocky?"  
"No…"  
"I'll order some. It's delicious…"

* * *

Within a minute of the sweet snack arriving it was gone. The sensei had taken just a single piece from the large plateful.  
And now she was honestly afraid.

An intense blue chakra was radiating from Yugito like an aura of icy flame, her eyes going very wide.

"This looks bad…" muttered the sensei, stepping back.

Yugito started giggling, a high pitched, slightly scary giggle.

"Run." said the sensei.

* * *

Bare minutes later, the restaurant was rubble, its wreckage burning with icy flames, along with several of the surrounding buildings.

Suiton and katon users were working together to defeat the fire, as a very apologetic young Kunoichi sat on a large pile of empty pocky wrappers.

The Raikage himself was speaking with her.

"Yugito. For the sake of the city, I'm banning you from even going near sugary foods inside city bounds."

She gasped.

"Even pocky?"  
"_Especially_ pocky." said the Raikage, shuddering.

_Hehehe. Pocky activates the demon. :)_


	4. Tsunade

_Dedicated to Thorn…_

Why I'm not Allowed To Either 4  
Why Tsunade isn't allowed to get a Sofa

"Shizune, I tell you this will solve all my problems." said Tsunade triumphantly.  
"I don't know…" said the younger medic-nin. "It's not very dignified…"

Tsunade had replaced the Hokage's chair with a sofa.

* * *

It was hot.

Very hot.

As in 'quick, annoy Kisame and get your skin removed before it melts' hot.

Kakashi, unfortunately for him, was in full Jonin gear and heading towards the Hokage's office.

"Can I go i-" he started. Shizune waved him in.  
"She's doing paperwork. She'll be glad to see you." she said.

Kakashi went in.

There was a choked gasp, but Shizune ignored it.

* * *

"Shizune, I need to talk to Tsunade." said Jiraiya. "It's about Naruto."  
"Fine. But Kakashi's been in there a while, so if you get yelled at it's your problem." said Shizune. "She's going to get NO paperwork done at this rate…"

* * *

"Shizune! We were told to come here for a mission!" said Naruto excitedly. Behind him was Sai, looking very, very bored.  
"_Wow, it'll be crowded in there soon…"_ thought Shizune, waving them in.

* * *

"Shizune-san!" said Ebisu, the elite tutor. "I need to see Tsunade about my genin!"  
"Fine. If you can fit in." she said, smiling slightly.  
Ebisu walked in, shutting the door behind him.

There was a loud thud.

* * *

A few hours later, it seemed like every male ninja in Konoha had entered the room.

Shizune was getting suspicious.

Especially when she heard a gasp and a scattering of applause.

She opened the door.

* * *  
(A few minutes earlier)  
* * *

"I'm almost finished." said Sai, drawing on a red notebook he was holding.  
"Hey, that's not your normal notebook…" said Naruto.  
"No. This is my porn book." said Sai.

Jiraiya, Kakashi and Naruto leant in for a closer look.

Sai flipped the page and their was a picture of a naked Naruto.  
"NANI?" yelled Naruto, being shushed by everyone.

"You'll wake her up!" hissed Jiraiya.

The object of this gathering was currently lying on a sofa.

Tsunade. Wearing only her underwear.

The male population of Konoha was crammed into the office, in various states of undress, with nosebleeds of varying severity.

There was quiet for a few seconds as everyone made sure Tsunade didn't wake up, and Naruto sulked to himself.

"I'm going to take off her clothes." said Jiraiya.

There was a gasp of surprise and a scattering of applause at the idea.

Jiraiya was centimetres away from Tsunade when the door opened, Shizune stepping through.

No-one noticed as she walked over the unconscious form of Ebisu.

"If anyone is still here in five seconds." said Shizune. "I'm waking her up."

Nothing happened.

Then everyone ran for the exits.

Shizune grabbed the red notebook as Sai ran past.

* * *

"So… they were WHAT?" shouted Tsunade, now fully dressed.  
"Yep."  
"And he was about to-  
"Yep."  
"I don't believe this… Everyone?" she asked.  
"Everyone. Jiraiya, Ebisu, Naruto, Sai-"  
"I thought he was gay…"  
"Kiba, Asuma-"  
"Kurenai's going to be furious."  
"Oh, and Sai drew this."

Tsunade looked at the red notebook.

"…Am I really that hot?"  
"I am burning that sofa."  
"Shizune!"  
"NO QUESTIONS, NO COMPLAINTS."  
"…meanie."

_I hope you like it, dearest Thornsy._


	5. Jiraiya

_Hello and welcome again to another instalment of Why I'm Not Allowed to Either!  
Today, I shall be making fun of Jiraiya! Set pre-Tsunade and during the arc where they get her._

Why I'm Not Allowed to Either 5  
Why Jiraiya Isn't Allowed On the Internet

"Naruto, can I use your computer?" asked Jiraiya.  
"Sure. I was only playing games anyway."

Naruto stepped away, leaving the library computer open, and Jiraiya turned it on.

Naruto left the library for a training ground. He was late anyway.

* * *

"Jiraiya…" hissed Orochimaru. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"

Within seconds, a huge plume of smoke rose up, a Snake rearing out of the mist. Manda.  
"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" replied Tsunade.

Another plume of smoke, and Katsuya the slug appeared.

"Aha! Fear the power of my new allies… the Loltoadz!" shouted Jiraiya. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"

Orochimaru and Tsunade stared as smoke rose up, and Gamabunta the toad appeared. But a piece of paper was attached to his chin. It read 'Bad toad iz bad.'

"Jiraiya. What the hell?" screamed Gamabunta.

"I'M IN UR VILLAGE, FITIN UR NINZ!" he shouted.

"JIRAIYA!" yelled Gamabunta.

Not now, Loltoad, attack! Meme no Jutsu!" said Jiraiya, shouting across the battlefield.  
"SO I HERD U LIKE MUDKIPZ!"

Two kunai flew towards Jiraiya, The first one hit him hilt first on the temple, knocking him backwards, unconscious. The second flew over his head point first.

Tsunade and Orochimaru both breathed sighs of relief.

And got back to fighting.

_Short, yeah. Who cares?_


	6. Orochimaru and Fee

_Mwahahaha. Go and read the ItachiSasuke fight comic on DeviantArt, I'll provide a link at the end._

Why Challenging the Author is Bad  
_Or  
_Why Immortality is Weird  
_Or  
_Why Fee isn't allowed to Write Crack  
_Or  
_Why Fee Doesn't Interview People For His Own Good  
_Or  
_Why Having Lots of Titles is Fun

A/N  
Well, for the dual reasons of sensibility and Sounding awesome, I'm writing in third person.

* * *

Felix walked into the room, drawing a circle on the ground, pressing a hand against it and sitting on one of the chairs that came up. He gestured to the other one.

Orochimaru sat down with a grumble.  
"So." said Felix. "I'm here to ask you a few QUESTIONS. First, what's it like being a body stealing parasite, Mr Pedo-Sannin?"  
"Hey, number one, don't call me Pedo-Sannin." said the Pedo-Sannin. "It was annoying enough having all the ninjas calling me it. Wait, was that you?"  
"Heh. The fourth wall is overrated." said Felix, waving a hand in dismission.  
"And second, I'm not a parasite. I'm a symbiote." said Orochimaru.

Felix snorted.  
"No, seriously." said Orochimaru. "They get power galore, fame, and my own personal thanks!"  
"At the expense of free will."  
"So? If their body is alive when I take it, they can have it back when I leave. While it works."  
"…how is it that you've consistently failed to take one of the bodies volunteered to you?"  
"…Bad luck?"  
"Not that you passed them up because you wanted Sasuke's body?"  
"…what are you implying?" asked Orochimaru.  
"Have you only just realised what that sounds like?" asked Felix, condescendingly.

"Heh. Moving on." said the author. "What's it like having two different routes back to life?"

"What do you mean?" asked the puzzled and a little more than insulted Orochimaru.

"Well, when Sasuke killed you, you had a route through his psyche, and I reckon you're going to come back with Kabuto stealing your remains."  
"Well, it's like having two sets of eyes." said Orochimaru. "And your hands off the controls. I can't do anything, but I can see everything both of them do."

"Wait, wait, wait." interrupted Felix. "Wasn't Itachi's sword meant to seal you forever?"

Orochimaru waved a hand dismissively.  
"I'm me." he said.

Felix looked over his glasses at him.  
"I ran away into Kabuto's body while he hit me." admitted Orochimaru.

Felix laughed.  
"Anyway," said the author-come-interviewer "What was up with that battle? Too many genjutsu and clones and stuff, and then you save Sasuke from Itachi's superduperosm technique and you're like 'Ohai not ded rly!' and then twenty seconds later you're like 'Nvm, ded agin…' and you're crying…"

Orochimaru stared at him blankly.

"Oh. Right. Fourth wall, you haven't read that comic." grinned Felix.

"I did not cry!" shouted Orochimaru.  
"Course not." winked Felix.

"THAT'S IT." said Orochimaru, pushing his head back and drawing the sword out of his throat.  
"That reminds me." said Felix. "How does that long, thin object fit in your throat? And why do you not gag?"

Orochimaru ran at him with the sword, and Felix leapt over him.  
"No fair. Let's get all of me, right?" he said.

The doors opened, and about thirty people entered, most of them looking exactly like the author-reviewer. Except the girls.

"Who are they?" asked Orochimaru.  
"Well, they are Nasshi, Nasshi, Adam, Felix, Felix… let's just say they're versions of me. Well, and Ebony and Ellen insisted on coming too…" said Felix.

"…then why are some of them girls?" asked Orochimaru, looking weirdly at the sixteen year old.

"You know, I'm just going to have all of me attack you." said Felix, annoyed.  
"…What on earth is that black cat with two tails?" asked Orochimaru.

Said Cat opened her mouth and was about to burn Orochimaru to a crisp when about twenty of the people vanished, including her.

"You're right." said Felix. "Unfair to have people from other worlds kill you."

"You know, I've figured out why some of them are girls!" said Orochimaru with a grin. "You want to make out with yourself."

There was a dead silence, and all of the others in the room vanished, leaving just Felix and Orochimaru.

"I'm not going to attack you." said Felix quietly, clicking his fingers.

A computer appeared behind him, and he opened a window upon it.  
"Come and read this." he said to Orochimaru.

"_I love you." said Nasshimi.  
Orochimaru stroked the 'girl's cheek.  
"I love you too." he assured._

"Kami above…" said Orochimaru, paling, if that was possible.

"Never battle an author." said Felix.

* * *

_Yeah… sorry. :D_

_http: // kuroi-tsuki . deviantart .com/art/Sasuke-vs-Itachi-80953576 _

_Remove the spaces for the comic that inspired this!_


	7. Fee And Special Guest

_Pffft. It only just struck me that I have now written that fic. XDDDD  
Anyway, kinda XKCD inspired. It's a webcomic, you want strip number 311._

Disclaimer-I own neither Naruto nor the other thing I'm borrowing.

Why Fee Is Not A Film Director

"Right, Orochimaru, over there and look angrier! Naruto, I want you higher in the sky! Sakura, be sexier!"

Sakura scowled, and punched him.  
"You're fine as you are…" mumbled the boy.

"What's the plot for this anyway?" asked Jiraiya, appearing.  
"Plot?" everyone asked.

"We don't need plot." said Fee, waving a hand dismissively.  
"You definitely need plot." nodded Jiraiya. "I should know."  
"Please, Reversal has more plot than Icha Icha." laughed Fee, before realising-again-that they hadn't read it. "Well… let's just say you suck at plot."

"Fine then." sulked Jiraiya. "If you're not making a plot, what's happening?"  
"Everyone ever has a really, really big fight." said Fee nonchalantly.  
"What, every ninja?" said Jiraiya, suddenly interested. "Can I join in?"

"I knew this was your kind of thing." said Fee with a happy grin. "Come on, everyone, places!"

* * *  
_Some time Later  
_* * *

"There's something missing from this…" said Fee, watching as various Kage's and other powerful ninja battled ferociously, paying particular attention to Itachi and Kimimaro.  
"This ultimate battle isn't complete…" he said to himself, before suddenly brightening up.  
He vanished in a flash of purple light and a screaming silence that hurt the soul, and returned moments later with a girl, maybe fourteen or so. She had messy black-brown hair, and a pretty, troubled face with bright, blue eyes.

"Everything needz. Moar. River." nodded Fee. "Go."

* * *

"Oh, great, do you know how much effort a Mass Resurrection costs, River?"  
"They look better in red."  
"Damnit, River!"  
"I'm part of the floor now."

* * *

_The other thing is River Tam, from Firefly. She is awesome. If you haven';t watched Firefly or Serenity you NEED to.  
"I can kill you with my mind."  
Yes, we know that, River.  
"The Human body can be drained of blood in 8-"  
8.6 seconds, given adequate vacuuming systems._

_Ha.  
"Also, I can kill you with my mind."  
(Facepalm)_


End file.

Naruto, Humor