Final Fantasy XIII 1. Chapter 1

This is a highly narcissistic fanfic.

The author will not be held responsible should any nasal hemorrhages occur from the immense amount of sexiness that is to follow.

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><p>CHAPTER 1 - I Am Ridiculously Tempting<p>

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><p>Oh curse the Maker, bless His name, for making me so sexually appealing.<p>

In all honesty! It is almost ridiculous how attractive I am. Even now I want to make sweet love to myself!

But of course I would not.

No, I shall save myself for the thousands of sacrificial lambs who want me and my deliciously textured (READ: wrinkled) human shell.

Jihl, for example.

Oh, poor Jihl. I can see it in her eyes every time she looks at me.

_Lust._

_Longing._

It is rather apparent, of course.

I would not be surprised if she were to confess she joined the Cavalry for the sole purpose of being near me and my luscious body.

Hmm... is that girl in the Cavalry or PSICOM or... ah, never mind. It would not matter either way, seeing as she would die sooner or later.

Although I pity her; imagine, dying unfulfilled, her lustful craving for me and my sizzling-hot buttock wrinkles unsatisfied. The horror!

But it is not just Jihl, I am sad to say.

All of those gullible insects basking in their spoiled little utopia will also die unfulfilled, despite the fallacious care I have given them.

As a fal'Cie, my sole purpose in life is to orchestrate the return of the Maker, but as a venerable sex symbol I simply cannot allow this abomination to occur.

I must give the people even a shred of my seductive prowess, which they have craved for so long (two hours? Yes. The last broadcast was two hours ago. I am surprised I consider them spoiled at this rate).

"Jihl," I called out in that temptingly raspy voice I always use.

"Yes, Primarch?" she answered almost immediately, appearing out of somewhere that is beyond my range of vision at the given moment (because, honestly, 'nowhere' should not even be considered a word, as anywhere is somewhere. Goodness. I am desirable in _both_ intellectual _and_ physical ways. But of course I should be, as I am Galenth Dysley).

Yes. She was probably waiting outside the door, touching herself while thinking about me.

Who would be able to resist doing that, though? I have already fully acknowledged the fact that every Cocoon inhabitant does it at least daily.

"Put me on the monitors. I wish to speak to the citizens." I am completely sure she just got an orgy.

Even though she is just staring blankly at me.

She has gotten so good at hiding her spasm attacks, it's ludicrous.

"Yes, Primarch," she replied with a formal bow.

Why is it that she smirks at everyone except me?

But of course, this is only further proof of how much she wants me.

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><p>Galenth Dysley, anyone?<p>

He always talks in that weird, overly highbrow way, doesn't he? =.=

(Gonna need a dictionary. Gohdfockindamnit.)

**_THIS IS NOT A DYSLEYxJIHL FIC. THERE ARE NO PAIRINGS IN HERE BUT DYSLEYxBARTHANDELUSxPRIMARCH._**

Oh yeah. I just gave you a new OT3, didn't I?

This fic was inspired by the super fabulous amazing fic "Alois Trancy's Super Fabulous Amazing Diary" by the super fabulous amazing kaaaaarl.

REVIEW FAVE ALERT AND EVARYTHING.


	2. Chapter 2

OH HELL, A **SECOND** CHAPTER? BLESS MY STARS!

People can actually die of Dysley-induced orgy-induced epilepsy, so if you have a record of heart problems I strongly advise against going any further.

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><p>CHAPTER 2 - Sexy And I Know It<p>

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><p>Massive orgy session.<p>

_That_ is what I inflict upon the poor, defenseless citizens of Cocoon every time I show myself to them.

Which I am doing right now.

"Citizens of Cocoon," I said in a voice unheard of outside the orgasmic state, laced with pure sex. This is otherwise known as my normal voice. "I would just like to reassure you all, once more, that your lives are perfectly safe, for they are under my loving and passionate care―" I coughed rather throatily and sent at least 86% of the populace to sexual paradise― "and no Pulse l'Cie, creature, machine or even plant will harm you. I would also like to inform you of my personal denture cream brand's availability to the public. If you are poorly oriented, which I doubt many of you are, my denture cream brand is named _Lick_. That would be all for now, citizens."

I expect it to be flying off shelves now. Because, honestly, who in their right mind would resist the chance to discover what the interior of my mouth smells, feels, and tastes like?

_No one._

Ah, I just realized something dreadful.

There are, as of now, no fireworks that depict my gorgeous and sinfully tempting face in Bodhum's fireworks display.

And it is happening, like, _tomorrow_.

I must hurry.

"Jihl," I called. Some people have gotten it into their minds that, because I call Jihl Nabaat by her first name, I am romantically involved with the girl. It is utterly ridiculous! If the mere act of informality indicates a history of copulation with someone, then surely by now I'd have chlamydia or have passed my gonorrhea on to some poor soul I call by their first name. Such as Yaag.

...

Oh.

"Yes, Primarch?" Jihl replied after turning off the broadcast. She should really consider a job in the acting industry; her portrayal of a stressed, boss-hating employee who is not constantly ridden by sexually-induced epilepsy is rather flawless.

"Who is the head of the Guardian Corps unit in Bodhum?"

"Lieutenant Amodar, sir."

"Ah," I hummed. If I were not a Primarch and a Fal'Cie I would most likely be imprisoned for causing heart failure in the general public. "Summon him, immediately. I have some very important matters to discuss with him."

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><p>...<p>

Even I'm creeped out.

Who can tell I uploaded this mainly because I'm too lazy to type up the two new, super-long chapters of Let's Get Groyndin'?

Well, I did. Sorreh.

I just felt an extremely strong urge to type after reading the legendary My Immortal.

Fangz (haha, Fang, geddit?) to all who will review, alert, favorite, or masticate to this gem of a fic.


End file.

Final Fantasy XIII, Humor