Mass Effect Priority: Lamaze Class

**This short story was heavily inspired by an episode of "Private Practice", season 6. I couldn't help cracking up at the episode & thinking to myself, "God that's something Aurora would do."**

**All characters belong to Bioware, some dialogue similar to that of the PP episode, the rest- for my own giggles.  
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"Come to a Lamaze class, he said," Shepard snorted sarcastically in the parking lot of the Vancouver City Hospital as Kaidan unlocked their skycar, bending to hold open the door for her. "It'll be good for you to learn breathing techniques for childbirth, he said." She ducked under Kaidan's arm. "I told you it would be a complete waste of time."

"Oh Aurora," Kaidan sighed as Shepard clambered into the front passenger seat as gracefully as one could with a three kilogram bowling ball strapped to her stomach. "If you had just kept your cheeky mouth shut for even fifteen minutes of the class, we would have got something useful out of it." He closed her car door and made his way around to the driver's seat, sitting down and buckling himself in. "Not everyone's a war veteran like you and have an astounding pain threshold."

It was six months post-Reaper war, and couples were making the most of a galaxy free from Reapers by celebrating with a baby-making boom. As a result of the increase in pregnancies, the government ensured that free Lamaze classes were being held at all public hospitals throughout the country. Given that Shepard and Kaidan were on indefinite leave from the Alliance upon discovering the presence of a little human making house in Shepard's stomach, they were doing their best to adjust to the life of normal civilians (Shepard noting that this was unlikely to ever work). Kaidan had suggested they attend Lamaze classes together to gain an understanding of what to expect.

The birthing exercises class was packed, with bookings full for the following twelve months. Despite Shepard's protests about the classes being a waste of time (she planned on drugs- lots of them), Kaidan had managed to secure Shepard and himself a spot in a class at the local hospital by pulling strings with some contacts, registering them under an alias so as to prevent uncomfortable attention from anyone recognizing their names. He had led Shepard into the room, overflowing with excited women cradling swollen bellies, husbands and lovers hovering protectively around their mother hens.

There was a single mat free towards the front of the class, next to a gothic looking couple sporting enough piercings to set off any metal detector, and a snobbish looking red-head resting on her husband, who was sitting behind her patiently supporting her back. Kaidan gestured towards the free mat and took Shepard's hand, gently guiding her towards the front of the class. Shepard groaned as she saw how close the mat was to the class's instructor, a bulbous middle-aged woman who had seen better days and better quality leggings. Shepard sure hoped she wasn't going to bend over in front of their faces. "Come in, come in! Have a seat, don't be shy!" The instructor gestured enthusiastically towards Shepard and Kaidan before activating her omni-tool to lower the music volume over the class speakers.

Shepard gave Kaidan a look that clearly stated _I am going to kill you when this class is over_. Kaidan smiled weakly, sat down on the mat with his legs spread, and patted the mat in between to indicate to Shepard to seat herself between them in imitation of the surrounding couples.

"Welcome, mums and dads, to the amazing miracle that is childbirth," the instructor announced, smiling towards the sea of exuberant faces in the room before her. Kaidan, sensing Shepard's tension at being in a room so crowded with people, rubbed her arms in what he hoped was a reassuring gesture. "My name is Molly, and I'm going to be guiding you through the next five classes in giving birth to your baby in a perfectly natural Lamaze-style. I'm sure many of you have heard of the birthing technique that is Lamaze, but are unsure of what it is exactly!" The instructor moved to stand directly in front of Shepard and Kaidan, causing them to crane their necks painfully to look up at her. "In these classes I am going to guide you through building confidence in yourself as an expectant mother to give birth to your little miracle, and how to cope with the pain in order to ensure you are comfortable while promoting your labor!"

"I wonder how she'd cope getting spaced and dying of asphyxiation," Shepard hissed at Kaidan. "Or have the Citadel blowing up around you and lying in your own blood for days waiting for rescue. Surely pushing out a baby can't be as painful as that." Kaidan pushed a stray lock of black hair behind Shepard's ear and turned her face back towards the instructor. "Pay attention, Aurora."

"First, let us begin with some breathing exercises. Ladies, prop yourselves up against your husbands and make yourselves comfortable. Ensure that your back is straight, and give your diaphragm room to expand."

There were loud shuffling sounds echoing around the room as numerous couples maneuvered themselves to make comfortable. Shepard, sitting straight against Kaidan's chest, didn't move an inch.

"Take a long deep breath through your nose," the instructor cooed, walking up and down between the couples. Behind her, she felt Kaidan lift his nose up as he inhaled deeply, eyes closed. "Count to three, then slowly exhale through the mouth."

"These people have no idea how to breathe," Shepard muttered loudly, ignoring the instructor. "Stick them all on a planet with a thin atmosphere and make them run around in armor that weighs a couple of kilos. _That _will teach them how to breathe properly."

Kaidan smiled and made a shush'ing noise.

"Breathe out your fears of the pain you know you're going to experience when you give birth, and breathe in love. Love for your baby. The love of a mother for the child she carries within her."

"Oh for crying out loud…" Shepard muttered loudly. Kaidan chuckled into her hair and rubbed her arms again reassuringly.

The snobbish-looking woman sitting to the right of Shepard and Kaidan turned to them and scowled, a look that definitely did not become her. "Can you not be so negative?" the woman demanded. "It's hard for me to concentrate on breathing in love when I'm sitting next to a woman who can't take this seriously."

"You're worried about breathing?" Shepard chuckled loudly, turning towards the woman with a hint of mischief in her bright green eyes. "Sweetie, be realistic. Once you're in the labour room bearing down to push a watermelon out of a hole the size of a pea that no amount of Kegel exercises will ever make return to normal, screaming for drugs and trying to breathe in laughing gas instead of love, you're not going to give a crap that some woman beside you in class distracted you from learning proper breathing techniques. You're just going to be breaking your man's hand and wishing he'd never come near you enough to knock you up in the first place!"

Behind her, Kaidan snorted loudly, struggling to contain himself.

The redhead's scowl turned even darker, but she settled herself back onto her husband, closing her eyes and puckering her lips up like a fish as she tried to concentrate on breathing in love. Shepard grinned widely, turning around to Kaidan to high-five him. Kaidan clapped his palm to hers, shaking his head as he chuckled at Shepard's audacity. Shepard took a deep breath and sighed as the baby gave her insides a kick, allowing herself to relax against Kaidan's chest, her hands resting on his atop of her swollen stomach.

The peace didn't last very long.

"You're all doing fantastic" the instructor announced a couple of minutes later, wiping sweat off her brow with a handkerchief as she walked towards the front of the classroom between the couples. "We'll keep concentrating on breathing techniques for the next fifteen minutes, and then we're going to move onto some ball work."

"Ha! That's what got us here in the first place!" Shepard exclaimed loudly to Kaidan, barely able to contain herself. Kaidan burst out laughing, unable to suppress his laughter any longer.

Redhead to the right cracked it, her husband holding down her shoulders as she attempted to get up towards Shepard. "What's your problem, lady? Are you going to ruin this beautiful experience for all of us? Take it seriously or get out!" she spat, her face turning as flaming red as her hair.

The instructor came to stand before Shepard and Kaidan, still struggling to contain their laughter. "I think it's best for you both to leave if you can't take this seriously," she said politely, although a dark frown was spread across her face. "You're upsetting everyone else in this room, and going against the principles of Lamaze."

"Gladly, ma'am," Shepard smiled up at the instructor. Kaidan, slightly weak in the knees from laughter, pushed himself onto his feet before holding out his hands to help Shepard to hers. Shepard smoothed out her hoodie over her straining stomach, flashed a bright smile at the redhead and her husband, and allowed Kaidan to guide her down the aisles between glaring expectant couples to the classroom door.

They both burst out of the door into the hospital foyer, cackling loudly and gasping for air. Shepard struggled to catch her breath, hands resting protectively over her swollen stomach as the baby kicked her in protest to her heaving diaphragm. Kaidan closed the classroom door with a slam and leaned against the door, wiping tears from his eyes. "You just couldn't help yourself, could you Rory?"

Shepard fanned herself with her hand. "Oh, come on, you were thinking it too. Right from the get-go I could see it on your face- you were regretting you ever enrolled us in it."

Kaidan leaned towards Shepard, taking her chin in his hands and looking down into her green eyes, bright with mischief. "I thought it wouldn't hurt to go. You know, get the full experience. I know you've handled pain before, but they said childbirth is a completely different experience, especially for a marine. I just want to make this as easy for you as I possibly can." He pressed his lips against hers.

Shepard sighed against his lips and wrapped her arms around the back of his neck to pull him as close as her swollen stomach would allow, deepening the kiss. She pressed him against the classroom door, oblivious to the looks they were receiving from passersby, or the glare of the security guards from the foyer doors.

The classroom door jolted open, pushing Kaidan and Shepard forward. Their lips broke contact as they both turned to look at the person responsible for so rudely interrupting their moment. The indignant redhead from the class stood glaring at them, her face still as red as her hair.

"Do you mind?" Shepard asked in a polite voice dripping with sarcasm. "I'm trying to make out with my husband!"

The redhead quickly brushed past them, glaring at Shepard as she made her way across the foyer to the ladies bathroom. Kaidan sighed and turned to Shepard, readjusting her hoodie, and turning to guide her towards to entrance doors.

"Let's go, mischievous lady. I think it might be best if we take these classes through vids on the Extranet."


End file.

Mass Effect, Humor