Mass Effect 1. Before

**AN: **Originally meant to be a oneshot, but there was just too much to write. Stick around for the "After" part, and keep your eyes peeled for my sequel to "The Edge of the Void." Thanks for reading and don't forget to leave a review! :)

Before

"You're holding it all wrong. Here, like this," Shepard was saying. The ridges above Garrus's eyes furrowed slightly as he tried to mimic her position. She found his intense concentration slightly hilarious, but she didn't dare laugh. She didn't want him to think that she was making fun of him. She had a feeling that, underneath that hardened C-Sec officer attitude, Garrus was a bit more sensitive than he'd like to admit to anyone. Least of all to his commander.

"Like this?" Garrus asked, leaning over and stretching out his arm for her to get a better look.

"Almost." Shepard intervened, pushing gently into the palm of Garrus's hand to try and get him to relax his grip a little. She applied pressure more forcefully when his digits remained incompliant. He sighed, his breath rushing out in a huff. "I don't blame you, Vakarian. Throwing darts is a lot harder with only three fingers." As she spoke, his muscles slowly became more relaxed, yielding to her touch like clay. She coaxed him into a relatively satisfying position.

It had been a slow few weeks. Well, anything would be slow after the excitement with Saren, taking down a Reaper, and saving the Citadel. For the time being, the Normandy had been reassigned to patrolling the area for geth, concentrating especially in places where ships had been known to go missing. Though, for the most part, there wasn't much to be found. Every now and then, they'd stumble on a geth ship, at which point Shepard would run up to the bridge and order everyone to their battle stations, though the only one who really did anything important was Joker. And once they'd won the fight, which they always did, everyone would go back to what they were doing before. Which was nothing. Shepard was tired of the monotony. Eager for something to do besides go over dry, inane reports from Alliance brass about things that mostly didn't concern her, Shepard had decided to head belowdecks to see what her crewmates were up to. To her delight, Garrus had just finished routine maintenance on the Mako. Rather, he stopped what he was doing and put it in neutral, jumping at the chance to get a little downtime.

Garrus took aim, careful not to let the slender dart slip out of his hand, at the same time trying to keep from clenching it in his fist. He took a deep breath, combining the techniques he used on the battlefield for lining up a shot with his sniper rifle with the tricks Shepard had just taught him for throwing darts. He wound back, concentrating his aim on the target they'd pinned to the side of the Mako. There were three darts already centered in the bullseye. All Shepard's. But Garrus planned on changing that.

_Thunk. _"Perfect!" Shepard exclaimed. Garrus's dart had landed right in the center of the triangle that her three darts had formed. She punched him on the shoulder. It felt like he'd been hit with a concussive round. "I take back what I said. Three fingers? Just as good as five."

Garrus rubbed his arm, shrugging modestly. "I have a good teacher."

"That," she said, pointing at the target, "is something that can't be taught." She strode over to the target, plucking the slim projectiles from where they were stuck.

"You're taking them down?" Garrus asked, his face falling. He'd worked hard for that one stupid dart.

Shepard shrugged. "Can't hit the bullseye again if there are too many darts in the way." True enough. You couldn't see the target if it was crowded with your own hits.

"Ha! He couldn't hit it again if it bit him on the nose." It was Wrex, sauntering over with his signature leer.

"Think you can do better?" In Shepard's outstretched hand were the four darts.

Wrex took them from her, nudging Garrus out of the way as he positioned himself in front of the target. "Easier than an asari hooker."

Several handfuls of darts later, the Mako had six new dings on its side and only two of Wrex's darts had even stuck onto the board. He'd refused to take any of Shepard's advice, stubbornly insisting on doing it his own way. Which consisted of levitating the dart biotically and throwing it haphazardly at the dart board, making soft thudding noises as his shots rebounded off the felt. Garrus wanted to point out that it was probably cheating, but he was betting that Wrex would have a lot easier time sticking one of those darts into his eye than the bullseye. "RAHHH!" Wrex roared, slinging three at once. Again, they were ineffective.

"Don't get yourself worked up, Wrex. You might have another heart attack," Shepard said, poking fun at his age. Garrus cringed. It was true that Wrex was getting on in his years, but insulting a krogan usually was not the best way to get him to calm down.

"Har, har, Shepard," Wrex said. Surprisingly, he didn't look like he was about to headbutt Shepard. In fact, he was even smiling a little. Though it did sort of make him appear as if he intended to take a bite out of her shoulder. "Anyway, I'm not a weak human like you. If one of my hearts fails, there's always the other."

"Back-up. Convenient." Shepard looked thoughtful for a moment, tapping a dart against her chin. Its tip was bent to the side. Wrex's doing. "It'd be nice to have a back-up version of myself. Like if I died, there would be another me to take my place."

"Or you could keep one of you on the ship, and send the other to fight. You'd accomplish twice as much in half the time," Garrus suggested.

"That's a dumb idea," Wrex shot out. He pumped his fist into the air, crushing a dart between his fingers. "Take both of yourselves into battle!"

"I don't know," Shepard said with a shrug. "That's a little impractical. I think having an extra life would be the smartest thing."

Wrex thumped his chest. "Two hearts. Can't beat 'em." He elbowed Garrus in the ribs, putting him off balance. Garrus glared at him. "Get it? Like a heartbeat? Ha!"

Shepard laughed, shaking her head as she did so. Krogan humor was usually not all that humorous, but she was a sucker for puns. Garrus also forced a half-hearted chuckle. He'd rather not find out what happens when you didn't laugh at one of Urdnot Wrex's jokes.

Garrus sneezed. Shepard was about to say "bless you" but before the words were out of her mouth, the Normandy shuddered tumultuously. Unprepared for the sudden movement, the three of them lost their balance, Wrex falling back as his arms pinwheeled. No one noticed, but the Mako, whose brakes were still disengaged from when Garrus was working on it, rolled forward slightly.

"What the hell?" Shepard said, the tremor fading. She reached down to pull Wrex back onto his feet. It took both her and Garrus to accomplish that feat. Shepard sighed. She took a break for ten minutes, and Joker had already decided to take the Normandy for a joyride. She decided to head up to the bridge to investigate.

"Commander!" Kaidan Alenko had just arrived via elevator. "We've encountered a hostile ship."

So that explained the shuddering. "Wrex, Vakarian: get to your stations. Kaidan, come with me." Time for some action.

But for some reason, Kaidan wasn't moving. Well, at least not towards the elevator. He stood close to Shepard, eyes dark with worry. "Shepard, it's not the geth."

"Who?" she demanded curtly. Garrus and Wrex watched her. She ceased being their friend and turned into their leader, their battlemaster. Any orders she gave, they'd follow in an instant.

But there was something in Kaidan's tone that made Garrus uneasy. "We don't know, ma'am."

Another shudder shook the ship, this one more fierce than the last. It knocked all four of them off their feet. They fell to the ground, and Shepard caught Alenko's knee in her hip, her shoulder blades landing at a painful angle. Kaidan began to apologize profusely, but she didn't have time to accept any of them. She jumped to her feet, hauling him up with her by his arm. Wrex and Garrus were likewise entangled, fervently trying to detach themselves from each other. Though she would have liked to, Shepard didn't have time to laugh at the pair of them. She grabbed Kaidan by the shoulders. "Get Tali," she ordered.

He nodded. Although he wasn't sure why, he didn't dare question her, especially not when she was in her intense commanding mode. He sprinted to engineering.

The floor seemed to vibrate beneath her feet, like the whole ship was shivering. Shepard stumbled towards the elevator. She had to get to the bridge to find out what the hell was going on, and more importantly, deal with the hostiles. But before she could set foot inside it, the Normandy surged violently. She grabbed onto the wall for support, pounding an intercom that connected to the bridge.

"Joker! Hold her steady!"

The pilot responded immediately. "Shepard, there's -"

But Shepard never got to find out what there was, because she had a much more pressing issue at hand. The Mako, set into motion by all the rocking back and forth, was rolling right towards Garrus and Wrex. "Move!" she yelled, running towards them.

Garrus looked up just in time to see the vehicle he'd so loyally maintained over the past few months bearing down on him. In the time it took to blink, he thought how ironic it would be if the damn thing ended up crushing him. So much for gratitude.

Shepard wasn't having any of that. Mustering up all the biotic energy she could in a few seconds time, she flung Wrex out of harm's way, sending him tumbling head over heels. Unfortunately, she hadn't been able to amass a throw field big enough to do the same for Garrus, so she'd just have to do things the old fashioned way. Feet pounding, heart hammering, she raced the Mako on a collision course to get to Garrus first.

She reached him before the Mako did. She wrapped her arms around his torso, throwing her weight forward and using her momentum to swing him to the side as hard as she could. It did the trick: Garrus was flung out of the path of the rapidly accelerating Mako, skidding to safety. But she was not so lucky.

Garrus laid there for a moment, reflecting on his near brush with death. He was used to being in dangerous, life-threatening situations on a daily basis. That didn't really bother him too much. But being crushed by the Mako would've been a most unseemly demise. Thanks to Shepard, that would not be how he met his end.

Speaking of Shepard... the sound of the Mako crashing into the wall reached his ears, accompanied by an anguished cry. He bolted to his feet. The vehicle's nose had her pinned against the wall. It was pressing right into her ribcage.

"Commander!" Garrus yelled. The Normandy tipped forward, the Mako pushing into her harder. She cried out again. Gritting her teeth, she struggled to put up a biotic barrier. Her blue corona sputtered.

Garrus sprinted to the front of the Mako, fighting to keep his footing as the Normandy continued to tremble. "Hold on, Shepard," he said, gripping the front bumper. He braced his leg against the wall, then pushed with all his might. Shepard had managed to free her hands, and was pushing with him. But it was no use: the vehicle didn't budge, keeping Shepard pinned. Her face turned red with the effort of pushing, and lack of oxygen. She was starting to feel faint. Every breath was a battle.

Wrex roughly shoved Garrus out of the way, not bothering with a warning as he drew his arm back, glowing blue, and thrusted it towards the Mako. It seemed to roll back for a moment before returning to its previous position lodged in Shepard. She struggled, muscles straining. The Mako was pressing right on her lungs.

But back-up wasn't far off. Kaidan came out of engineering with Tali in tow.

"What's going on?" Tali asked, a note of panic seeping into her voice. Kaidan had grabbed her from engineering without much explanation, but the urgent tone he had used scared her into obliging. She' been in the middle of dealing with the sudden failure of the Normandy's stabilizers, when he ran in, telling her to drop everything and leave on Shepard's orders. She'd been reluctant to go. Getting the stabilizers back online was all of the engineers' priority, since the Normandy wouldn't stop shaking without them. But Kaidan didn't take no for an answer.

All of a sudden, Kaidan shouted, "Get back!" Garrus pulled Tali towards the elevator, but not before she looked over his shoulder. The Mako was right up against the wall, Shepard lodged between the two of them. She looked limp. Tali couldn't help it. She screamed.

"On my count!" Kaidan said to Wrex, who gave a single nod in response. He counted down, blue coronas swirling around the both of them. On three, they both unleashed powerful bursts of dark energy. The Mako bucked back, its rear bumper skidding along the ground. Shepard was free. She stumbled out of the corner, clutching her side. Wrex could feel his two hearts working over time. Sweat beaded on the back of Kaidan's neck, and the L2 biotic implant at the base of his skull was buzzing. They managed to hold the vehicle back just long enough for Shepard to clear the danger zone. The instant she was out, they released the Mako, and it went crashing back into its previous position.

Shepard's hands were on her knees. She was breathing hard. Kaidan put a hand on her back. "Are you alright?" he asked her.

She jerked up, straightening. "Fine." There was still a trace of a grimace on her face, but Kaidan couldn't see any blood, and there was only a slight dent in the front of her armor. Garrus released the breath he'd been holding. She was okay.

An shipwide alarm blared, and the red emergency lights flashed. Shepard's eyes were alight with their lambency. "The ship's being evacuated." She'd taken too long saving Garrus and Wrex from the Mako. If she'd just left both of them and gone into the elevator, she would have had time to get up to the bridge and deal with the situation. Sacrifice the two of them, save the rest.

But she had no way of knowing for sure that even if she did get up to the bridge in time, she would've been able to prevent whatever was going on. And if she was unable to deal with the attackers, then a lot of people were going to die anyway. Shepard didn't think that she could forgive herself for leaving Garrus and Wrex to die, not while she could do anything about it. They'd both given her too much, stuck by her side for too long for her to just abandon them.

Sure, it would've been nice if she hadn't gotten crushed by the Mako. But she couldn't dwell in the past. It was time for action.

"All of you, get into the elevator now." They did so without hesitation. Inside the elevator, it was a close fit, but none of them were willing to waste the time it took for two trips. Shepard's fists clenched and unclenched as the elevator crawled along its cables, excruciatingly slow. She didn't understand why the damn thing always took so long. It seemed like everywhere she went, elevators did their best to infuriate her with their snail-like pace. At least it gave her time to give them their orders. "Tali, Wrex: go to the nearest escape shuttles. Don't waste time. Garrus, make sure Liara gets out. Kaidan – get as many people as you can from the deck."

"Where will you be?" Kaidan asked. His voice was brimming with worry. He knew that, in times like these, captains held on to the idiotic notion that they were supposed to go down with their ships. Shepard wasn't the captain, though. She was the commander and therefore, exempt. Kaidan only hoped that she also saw it that way.

"The bridge. I need to send off a distress beacon and make sure as many people make it to the shuttles as possible," she said pragmatically. The doors finally slid open. "Now, get out of here!" Kaidan wanted to say something else to her, but she didn't spare a second in running out to do her duty. The others stood there for a second, stunned by the chaos that was occurring. People were running, screaming. There was a fire at the back of the med bay. Something exploded, and a pressure valve burst, whistling and spewing hot steam. The Normandy was shaking nonstop, the floor vibrating through their boots as they moved.

Another second passed and they regained their wits, springing into action. Wrex and Tali went left, following the other servicemen that were running towards the escape shuttles. Garrus went right, towards the flaming med bay where he prayed he'd find Liara. Kaidan stood in the elevator a moment longer, scanning, assessing. What kind of enemy were they facing that caused all this? The Normandy had survived a Reaper attack. She was the most advanced ship in the Traverse. It made his heart pound to think that there was someone out there who could somehow take them out, despite being the best ship ever built. No, not just "out there." They were being attacked right then, and it was too late to save the ship, the unsinkable vessel that had served Shepard without fail while they were hunting Saren and Sovereign.

And now, it was on the verge of being blown to pieces. Shepard only hoped that her ship held together long enough for the crew to escape. As for herself? She had more important things to worry about.

Tali lost her footing in the hallway during a particularly fierce tremor, falling to the ground. She cried out in pain when she twisted her ankle. Wrex was almost inside the shuttle when he heard her. He stopped. He could just leave the quarian, and save himself. It would be so easy to pretend he didn't notice she wasn't next to him, act surprised when she wasn't strapped in next to him on the shuttle. Lots of people were dying as the Normandy went up in flames. What would be one more? No one would blame him.

Except for himself, that was. The only reason Wrex was alive was because Shepard had thrown him out of the path of the Mako, risking her own life to save his. Wrex didn't usually accept favors or charity, but he hadn't asked Shepard to save him. She just did. He hated the nagging feeling of owing someone. And while he couldn't directly save Shepard's life, the best he could do was help the quarian. They wouldn't be exactly even, but it was better than nothing.

The shuttle was almost full. It was about to leave. Wrex moved out of its entrance, allowing a frantic human to take his place. The doors closed after the human, and the escape pod took off.

"Can you walk?" Wrex grunted. Tali's hands were at her ankle.

"I... maybe..." she whimpered, trying to get to her feet. She was taking too long. Wrex grabbed one of her skinny arms and hauled her up. He supported most of her weight effortlessly, enabling her to limp alongside him quickly. They made it to the next shuttle, nearly full of people. He eased her into her seat, strapping her in before he sat down next to her. As he dealt with his own safety restraints and the escape shuttle was ejected from the Normandy, Wrex silently hoped that Shepard made it out alive. He still owed her, and he couldn't repay his debt to a dead woman.

Garrus was surprised to find Liara calmly packing her things into a bag. Even though he could always count on her inexhaustible composure, even in the most dire of situations, he'd expected some kind of enervation.

"Liara, we have to get to the pods," Garrus said bluntly. She continued packing her bag, her movements fluid and deliberate.

"I know that," she said placidly. "It'll just be another moment." The Normandy heaved forward, a cabinet full of medical supplies swinging open, its contents spilling across the floor. Garrus lost his balance, his arm shooting out to use the wall for support. Liara kept her feet easily. She zipped her bag and turned to Garrus. "I'm ready."

That was good. For a moment, Garrus had considered throwing her over his shoulder and carrying her to the shuttle. But luckily for him, she kept pace when he ran out of the med bay and into the hallway. As he rounded the corner, a ceiling panel collapsed, rigid metal shrapnel lodging itself into the skull of a young woman. Garrus whirled around at the sound of a scream. Liara was staring at the body of the servicewoman, eyes wide. The girl was dead instantaneously. Liara kept staring. The girl had been standing right next to her. That dead body could have been her.

"We have to get out of here!" Garrus yelled. He grabbed Liara by the hand, leading her away from the body. There was nothing they could do for the girl.

They were halfway to the shuttles when Garrus saw Shepard exiting her office to the left of the mess hall. She was pulling something over her head and tucking it into the front of her armor, like a necklace of some sort. Garrus thought it was strange until he realized what it was. The silver necklace was actually the dog tag of Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, who was killed in action on Virmire. Out of all her possessions, Garrus knew that the dog tags were the most important to her, the only material item she would bother saving. But the dog tags didn't really belong to Shepard at all. She was saving them because they weren't hers to lose.

"Shepard!" he shouted. Her head snapped up. She was startled to see that the two of them were still there. They should've left on the shuttles already. "We have to leave, now!" Another minute, and the Normandy would be reduced to a flaming, useless hunk of metal. All aboard it would be no better off.

"Take Liara and get out of here," Shepard said, brushing by them. She had to get to the bridge.

Garrus seized her hand. "The ship's going down! You can't stop it," he said, hoping she'd see reason.

Shepard looked up into his clear blue eyes, bearing into her own. She wanted to thank him for staying by her side through everything, for watching her six without being asked to. She wanted to tell him that she would've never been able to stop Saren without him. In that moment, all she wanted was for Garrus Vakarian to know how much he meant to her.

But she didn't have time for that. "I know," she said resolutely. She had to do what she had to do. Shepard was nothing if not a soldier. Her duty defined her. She would not abandon it, especially not in her darkest hour.

"Promise me you'll make it to the shuttles," Garrus blurted out. He didn't want to leave her on the ship, but that wasn't his choice to make. Shepard would do what she must, and he could only pray for the best.

"I promise. Now go!" And they did. Garrus glanced over his shoulder. Shepard was watching them to make sure they left. The whole ship was quivering, things were exploding at random, everything was coming apart... yet there she stood. Her jaw was set, the fire of determination reflected in the radiance of her eyes. She tilted her head down slightly, nodding to him. He returned the gesture before continuing around the corner and into the shuttle with Liara.

With resigned acceptance, Shepard strode over to her armor locker just outside the med bay. She took out her gray N7 breather helmet with the big red stripe on top. She looked at her reflection in its visor, watched the chaos behind her in its pristine glass. The helmet had seen her through so many battles. It seemed fitting that she would be wearing it in the end.

She heard Kaidan behind her, his footsteps falling unevenly amidst the rocking of the ship. She turned to face him. "I have to launch the distress beacon," she informed him.

He tore his helmet off. "Will the Alliance get here in time?" But he already knew the answer to that question. There was no way that the Alliance would respond quickly enough to do anything besides pick up the pieces. The ship was about to fall apart. He didn't see the point in Shepard risking her life needlessly on a distress beacon.

She didn't answer the question. "You need to go, now." She was about to pull her helmet over her head when Kaidan grabbed her arm, preventing her from doing so.

"Don't waste your life, Shepard!" he shouted. Ceiling panels collapsed, pipes and wires spilling out. The elevator groaned. Its cables snapped, and it dropped to the bottom with a loud crash. Flames erupted from the gaping shaft.

She clamped her hand firmly on his shoulder. "It won't be a waste if you live," she said.

"You take the shuttle. I'll stay." He knew that whoever stayed would undoubtedly die. He'd take her place. The galaxy needed her more than it needed him.

"No, Alenko." The ground rumbled, threatening to knock them off their feet. "Go, before its too late." He was already taking too much time to get away.

So he didn't bother with saying goodbye. He just wrapped his arm around her waist and kissed her, the last kiss they'd ever share. She pushed him off after two seconds. She didn't say anything. He watched her slide her helmet over her head. He did the same. Before she turned and headed up to the bridge, she grabbed him by the neck and pressed her forehead against his, their helmets connecting. She held him for a moment, and when she released him, Kaidan saw that her eyes were shiny and wet. But there was also that single-minded conviction that made Kaidan realize that Commander Shepard was going to do what she thought she had to, no matter what. Even if it cost her life.

The inside of her helmet was filled with the sound of her own breathing. It was a comforting reminder that she was still alive, for the moment. As Shepard made her way through the decimated vacuum that used to be the Normandy's bridge, she could make out the outline of an alien ship, silhouetted against the surface of a nearby planet. It was unlike anything she'd ever seen before. She felt the same sort of horrified inquisitiveness that she'd felt back on Eden Prime, when she'd seen Sovereign for the first time. A desire to know, at the same time fearing the answer. But this ship wasn't a Reaper. The distress beacon she'd be sending out would have detailed footage of the ship. Hopefully, the Alliance or someone back on the Citadel would be able to find out what it was, and discover the truth behind the destruction of the Normandy.

For the moment, she just concerned herself with getting to the cockpit, where a seal had been established around Joker to keep him relatively safe. She pushed past the floating chairs, watching them spin off into infinity from the corner of her eye.

"Let's get you out of here, Joker," Shepard said upon entering the seal.

But his hands were still at the dashboard. "I can still save her! The Normandy isn't -"

"She's lost, Joker! And you will be too if you don't get your crippled ass onto the shuttle right now!" she yelled. The ship was firing some sort of beam at the Normandy, tearing apart the hull.

Joker's head snapped up at the sound of the weapon destroying the ship. His baby was being torn to bits. He cursed himself for not taking better care of her. After all, she'd taken care of him. Of the whole crew. Under Shepard's direction, he and the Normandy had been an unstoppable team. Not even a Reaper, the most ancient and powerful of threats yet to be seen in the history of all civilaztion, had been able to destroy the Normandy.

And now, he was losing her to some unknown enemy. Was it possible that there was something out there worse than the Reapers? Joker didn't know. That was Shepard's area of expertise. His area of expertise was being the pilot. At least, it was supposed to be. He had the best ship ever built at his fingertips, and yet somehow that wasn't enough. Or maybe it was him that was not adequate. Maybe he wasn't good enough for the Normandy. In which case, it was his fault that they were losing her. He should've been more careful...

Shepard didn't wait for him to respond. She hoisted him up by an arm, draping it over her shoulder. She dragged him over to the only escape pod on the bridge and shoved him to the nearest seat. When she didn't sit down herself, he shouted, "What are you doing?" He could see the Normandy coming apart behind her, lain to waste by the guns of their enemy.

Her expression was unreadable behind her helmet. "I have to send off the beacon."

Now it was his turn to beg her to leave. "It doesn't matter! We'll be toast in about three seconds here if we don't leave!"

Shepard stepped out of the shuttle. She activated the external release. Her last words to him were, "I know."

"Shepard!" he yelled, his breath warming the inside of his breather mask. He fumbled with his restraints, trying to undo them so he could lurch to his feet and grab Shepard before the doors closed, but it was too late. The doors slid shut, and through the narrow glass window, he saw her turn his back and lean over the cockpit controls.

It had been tempting to leave with Garrus and Liara. Even more so when Kaidan had asked her to go with him. Finally, as Joker screamed her name and she waited for the pod's door to close, she found that it would have been remarkably easy to just step forward. One step, and she'd be safe. She wouldn't have to leave her friends and loved ones behind. She'd endure, and live to fight another day as Commander Shepard, first human Spectre and savior of the Citadel.

But she'd stayed on the ship to send the beacon, compelled by something more powerful than the will to live. What it was exactly, she couldn't be sure. She did know that the likes of the enemy that they were facing had never been seen before. Besides the Reaper ship Sovereign, which had been destroyed, there was no power so wholly annihilative as the one she now stood alone against. She knew that, if anyone was ever faced with such a weapon again, they would be as unprepared as the Normandy was. She couldn't allow what had happened to her ship, and her crew, happen to anyone else. The best thing she could do was to stay on the Normandy and gather as much information as possible on the mysterious ship that had attacked without warning. Some of the data collected might end up being useful to the Alliance, giving them insight on how to prevent and retaliate against future attacks.

The Normandy was crumbling, breaking into bigger pieces which then broke down, too. In a matter of moments, there would be nothing left. With a deep breath, she hit the launch button for the distress beacon, which had turned from a cry for help into a documentary of the Normandy's last few moments, as well as her own. She watched the tiny vessel shoot off into the blackness, heading in the same directions as the escape pods. It seemed so small and insignificant against the looming infinity. What chance was there that it wouldn't be blown to bits, rendering Shepard's sacrifice useless? But the enemy ship didn't seem to notice, or care. Its only focus seemed to be the complete and total eradication of the final fragments of the Normandy. The beacon continued off into the darkness. There was hope after all. Not for Shepard, or the ship, but for the others.

She placed her hand on the bright orange display of the Normandy's controls, the lights blinking frantically as the ship lost basic systems. The cockpit was Joker's territory, but the ship belonged to her just as much as it did to him. It had seen her through countless battles, swooping down in the nick of time to pull her out of a volcano, dodging countless geth ships, destroying Sovereign. She'd lived on the ship, ate, slept, found love and friendship. After long, tiresome missions, she'd trudge back through the airlock, and everything was okay again. It was her home. And now, she and the Normandy would meet the end together. It was easier to face her demise with a brave face when she told herself she wasn't alone.

A concentrated beam of yellow energy bore into the cockpit, obliterating the helm. The force of the explosions knocked Shepard back, causing her to lose her grip on Joker's chair and tossing her out into empty space. The back of her helmet collided with a rigid piece of metal, formerly the door of the airlock. There was a hiss, and Shepard felt things go horribly wrong. Her oxygen supply was ruptured. She'd be dead in a matter of seconds. She told herself that she knew it was coming, that she knew that there was no way she'd make it out alive.

But that didn't make it any easier to accept. She reached back, groping for the tear in her suit. Her hands didn't touch it. The ship fired again, closer to Shepard than before. She was propelled through the emptiness, towards the nearby planet. She kicked her legs. She was running out of air, and it felt like drowning. The only difference was, there was no chance of reaching the surface, of drawing another breath. She tried, and choked. Once again, her ears were crowded with the sound of her own breathing. Except, this time, instead of reminding her that she was alive, the noise was like the Normandy's alarm, informing her that she was about to die. The planet loomed closer. Its gravity was pulling her in, but to Shepard, it felt like her soul was being pulled from her body. She was dying. Desperately, she gasped for air, fighting to achieve the impossible even though she knew it was hopeless. Just like she always did. Except for this would be the one battle that she really couldn't win.

Darkness closed in at the edges of her vision, from her swiftly approaching death or perhaps the suffocating emptiness of space rushing in to fill her helmet. Just when she was sure she'd reached the end, she stopped struggling. She remained still, and though her body was screaming and her lungs were utterly vacant, her mind was at peace. She accepted her death. And just before her life was collected, her gaze fell upon the beacon she'd sacrificed herself for. It was side by side with Joker's shuttle. Their tail lights blinked out. They'd gotten away safely. Mission accomplished.


	2. After

After

Garrus couldn't bear being strapped in for so long. He wanted so badly to get up and use the shuttle's emergency comm link unit to try to get a line to Shepard. As the shuttle moved further and further away from the wreckage of the Normandy, Garrus watched pieces of it crumble and fall towards the planet, catching fire as they sped up and hit atmo. There was no way anyone could have survived on what was left of it. Not even Shepard. He had to know that she got away. He had to know that she was okay.

Liara noticed him squirming in his seat. "Garrus, relax. We'll be picked up soon enough." She was trying to calm him down. Her soft, soothing voice wasn't just meant for him, though. Grief and trauma were written across the faces of every single crew member, some of them sobbing loudly for their lost comrades, others crying silent tears. They were falling apart. Liara had to give them some ray of hope, a promise of endurance. "We're going to be okay. Look, they've stopped attacking."

For the moment, the mourning ceased. Everyone craned their necks towards the windows to get a good look of what was going on. Liara was right: the ship had stopped firing. Slowly, it pulled away from the wreckage. Garrus thought it was going to turn and fire on the escape pods, but it didn't. Its engines lit up, then the ship blinked out. It was gone.

There were loud exhalations of breaths held in anticipation, plus more tears, these ones a mixture of relief and sadness. But Garrus didn't seem comforted at all. "Garrus?" Liara asked quietly, this time so only he could hear.

But he didn't seem to hear her. His eyes were closed, his fingers still clenched around his harness. Liara put her hand on his forearm, but he remained unresponsive. She repeated, "We're going to be okay." Yet it wasn't themselves he was concerned about. He was thinking about his commander.

_"Normandy Shuttle Four, this is Alliance Frigate Onyx Deliverance. Do you copy?" _They were being hailed by the Alliance. Garrus jumped. He'd been expecting to hear Shepard's voice. Liara pressed the center of her restraint, releasing it, and got to her feet. The survivors on the shuttle were wiping the tears from their eyes.

"We're saved!" one of them said.

"We hear you, Deliverance," Liara said, speaking into the emergency comm unit posted near the door. A long shadow was cast over her face as she leaned over, putting her mouth near the receiver.

_"We got your distress beacon. Your shuttles are being brought aboard our ship. Prepare for docking," _they were informed. From the blackness of space came forth a colossal ship, the Alliance Frigate Onyx Deliverance. Its hangar opened, and a few of the shuttles disappeared inside its gaping maw. Garrus glanced back behind him, nearly twisting his neck to look out the window. There was still a handful of them trailing behind. Shepard had to be on one of them.

"Thank you," she said. She went back to her seat, keeping her eyes on the ground. She didn't bother buckling herself back in. They were close enough to the frigate that they didn't have anything to worry about.

The scene in the hangar was one of joy, sorrow, and chaos. Survivors of the Normandy ran about, finding friends they'd thought lost, tearfully searching in vain for the ones that were. Servicemen of the Onyx Deliverance tried to corral the new arrivals, directing them towards another part of the ship. After a few minutes, they started moving in the direction of the hangar doors, numbly allowing themselves to be led further into their haven. Medics were ready with gurneys and medi-gel, tending to those who'd been wounded in the escape. There weren't many. They were either alive or dead. One of the most serious injuries was Tali's, who had a twisted ankle. As soon as the medics set her up with a splint, she was back on her feet.

She spotted Garrus and Liara easily in the crowd of grief-stricken humans. "Keelah se'lai! I wasn't sure you two had made it out," she said, launching herself at the pair of them and wrapping her arms around both their necks, throwing the medic's suggestion to take it easy out the window.

"We're fine, Tali," Liara assured her, still able to talk despite her airway being slightly blocked by Tali's forearm. Wrex followed her, pushing past the humans as they headed in the opposite direction. The Deliverance servicemen looked like they wanted to direct him to where the others were going, but they kept their distance.

"Any of you seen Shepard?" he asked, shifting his weight between both of his feet. He didn't like all the looks they were getting from the pale, fleshy meat sacks. A cluster of four aliens on a ship full of humans sort of stood out. He liked the sense of belonging Shepard provided. He felt at home even in the fancy embassies of the Presidium when he was at her side.

"Maybe she got on a shuttle with Alenko," Garrus suggested hopefully. Kaidan was still on the ship with her when Garrus had left with Liara.

"Speak of the devil," Wrex grunted, seeing Kaidan trudging towards them. His head lifted up, like he'd heard his name.

"Kaidan!" Tali said, waving him over to where the four of them were standing in the middle of the hallway. He blinked, slowly approaching. He looked like he'd just woken from a long, fitful sleep. "Is Shepard with you?" Garrus's heart hammered in his chest.

"She and Joker took the last shuttle, I think." His dark eyes flitted back and forth between his comrades' knees and the scuffed metal grates on the ground.

Right on cue, one of the Alliance soldiers shouted, "We got one more shuttle!"

Garrus sighed in relief. It was just like Shepard to keep them waiting. He recalled the moment at the Battle of the Citadel after they'd killed Saren and Sovereign. He thought for sure she was dead, crushed by falling debris. Just when he'd given up all hope of her being alive, she'd come jogging through the wreckage, cradling her arm and limping slightly, but wearing a glorious grin and so wonderfully full of life.

But now, only one person came limping. It was Jeff Moreau, the Normandy's pilot. Kaidan grabbed him, probably seeing if he was okay. He looked like he was fine. Garrus stood on his toes, trying to see around the two of them. The hangar was nearly empty except for a dozen vacated shuttles and a couple of Alliance soldiers. None of them bore the familiar red stripe of Shepard's N7 armor.

Kaidan gripped Joker by the shoulder. "Is she..." He couldn't bear to finish the sentence.

Joker looked up at Kaidan, at all of them. His eyes were bloodshot, and he had to lean against the wall for support. "She stayed with the ship."

Wrex was the first one to speak out. "Whaddya mean, ship? There's nothing left to stay with!"

Liara's lips were moving silently. She was praying.

Kaidan slowly raised his eyes from the floor. "She's dead."

"She can't be dead," Garrus denied. The five of them looked at him. "Me and Liara talked to her just before we left. She said she was going to leave," he explained. "She promised."

Tali broke down into sobs. Wrex put a gruff hand on her shoulder, but all she did was shake and cry.

"Garrus..." Kaidan began quietly. Garrus ducked out of the way when Kaidan reached out to comfort him, sidestepping around to get a better view of the hangar, where all the shuttles were. He watched expectantly, waiting for Shepard to come limping out of one of them, wearing her trademark grin, loaded with an epic retelling of how she managed to escape this one. Later, they'd laugh about the panic she'd caused, leading them to think they were dead and getting everyone all worked up. But she would just smile and say, "I'm here now, aren't I?"

"Move along, please," one of the Alliance soldiers told Garrus, flinching away slightly at the sight of Wrex. But Garrus didn't want to move on. Shepard was coming. They just had to wait a bit for her.

"Shepard's gone. She's not coming back, Garrus," Kaidan said, his face set in hard lines, ones that would continue to deepen over the approaching months. Arms clasped around Tali, Wrex and Liara allowed themselves to be led down the long, dark hallway. One of the medics provided a wheelchair, taking a tearful Joker away. It was just Garrus and Kaidan left standing there.

Garrus's mandibles flared. The doors from the hallway to the hangar were closing. He tried to move past Kaidan, who was firmly planted in his path, but it was too late. The doors closed with a resounding boom, reverberating deep in his bones. His insides felt twisted and knotted. He blinked at the metal doors. "But she promised," he repeated softly, mostly just to himself.

Kaidan felt like he was going to collapse. He'd done his best to get as many people out of the Normandy as possible, but still, too many lives had been lost. He had tried to convince Shepard that she didn't have to sacrifice herself, and he'd failed at that, too. Now, struggling to cope with the news that the woman he loved had been killed in an attack by enemies more dangerous than the Reapers, he had to deal with Garrus's denial that Shepard was dead at all. All Kaidan could think about was that none of this would be happening if she were alive. But he'd known, even as he sat on the shuttle, that Shepard wouldn't be returning. She'd made her mind up to send off that beacon, and even the certainty of death hadn't kept her from that mission.

So Kaidan did the only thing he could do. He put his hand on Garrus's arm, and said, "Shepard did her duty. Now it's time for us to do ours."

Garrus had been preparing himself for this moment for the past three days. He'd known it was coming, and he'd spent every second building up his mental fortifications. He'd promised himself that he wouldn't show any emotion, but... well, promises didn't mean much to him anymore.

So as he stood by Shepard's empty casket, built for purely ceremonial purposes, he did everything he could to keep his teammates, or any left at the funeral, from seeing how affected he was. He stared hard at the holo of Shepard in her N7 armor, resting on top of an Alliance flag folded in a crisp triangle. Even though the portrait was supposed to be official, the curve of a smile tugged upwards at her lips, and there were hints of mascara on her lashes. She looked young. Garrus tipped his head at a slight angle. In the picture, she seemed to be glowing, but he supposed that could just be from the illuminators of the holo screen.

This is what her life had come to. A handful of speeches by people who didn't really know her, a televised request for donations to rebuild the Citadel, and a few half-assed attempts to sum up her achievements, all that she'd accomplished. But none of it meant anything. Not a damn thing. Because at the end of the day, she was still dead.

Garrus retreated a step back, still focusing his gaze on the holo. He accidentally bumped into someone. Probably one of the hack politicians that had been invited to the funeral as a formality, or a nosey reporter hunting a story, like a vulture on a freshly dead carcass. He turned around to mutter an apology. He was faced with a ghost.

They looked at each other for a moment. Garrus's heart beat faster, then he realized that it was not some otherworldly apparition come to haunt him. It was Shepard's mother.

"Garrus Vakarian," she said after her hesitation passed. Her eyes lit up, and she grabbed Garrus's hand, giving it a vigorous shake. "I recognized you from one of the news vids, after the Citadel was attacked." She winked at him. "I'd never forget those beautiful blue eyes of yours."

Garrus wasn't sure how to respond. She seemed so lively and upbeat. She didn't look like she was mourning the loss of her daughter. Garrus didn't know how humans usually reacted to the death of a family member, but surely this was atypical. "Thank you, ma'am," he replied stiffly.

"Please, call me Hannah," she said warmly. There were deep laugh wrinkles around her eyes, smile wrinkles lining her mouth. Garrus was looking at Shepard twenty five years in the future. The future she'd never have. He opened his mouth to speak when they were interrupted.

"Captain Shepard?" a shrill voice rang out, accompanied by the sound of hurried footsteps. The mother of the late Commander Shepard turned around, met by someone Garrus had hoped he'd never see again. "Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani,Westerlund News. May I ask you a few questions?" A camera hovered near her head, its red light blinking as it recorded.

"Of course," Hannah obliged. Garrus wanted to warn her that the reporter was bad news, but she launched into her interview without further ado.

"There were rumors that, before her untimely death, Commander Shepard planned on leaving the Alliance and swearing her allegiance to the Citadel Council. Don't you think it's wrong that she would abandon humanity, especially when we've just saved the Citadel from the geth attack?"

"Excuse me," Garrus cut in. Khalisah looked at him, and the hover cam focused on his face. "Those rumors are false. I knew her personally, and I can say for a fact that she had no intentions of leaving the Alliance. She was unwaveringly loyal to her roots, and despite her induction into the Spectres and her plentiful contributions to the galaxy as a whole, she would never turn her back the soldiers she'd fought side-by-side with for the majority of her career."

"A personal friend, you say?" al-Jilani said, her tone lilting up suggestively. "Can you confirm or deny any involvement in fraternization charges with -"

"I believe this interview is over," Hannah interrupted. "This is a private ceremony. Mr. Vakarian and I will escort you to the premises if you do not leave immediately." Her hand was moving towards her pistol instinctively. Garrus felt a grin swimming beneath the surface of his dark mood. Apparently, that particular trait was hereditary. Shepard's fingers always twitched towards her sidearm whenever she grew agitated. He knew that she'd only revert to violence as a last resort, but she wouldn't hesitate to take action where it was needed. Which, in their line of work, was more often than not a quick, shot-from-the-hip heat sink in the brain.

Khalisah opened her big mouth again, probably to spew more slander. But before she could make a sound, Wrex moved in.

"Didn't you hear the lady? Out, now." When the invasive reporter remained rooted to the spot, Wrex growled, "Before this gets ugly." She didn't waste another second. Smirking, Garrus realized that the camera's red light had still been on. It had recorded him putting her in her place, then Hannah explicity telling her to leave, and finally, Wrex scaring her off. A beautiful interspecies collaboration, televised for all to see. Garrus smiled for the first time in three days. Shepard would be proud.

Wrex made his exit, after a gruff yet polite greeting to Shepard's mother, reminding Garrus of the location of their after-funeral drinks. He and Hannah watched the massive krogan leave, security eyeing him warily.

Hannah laughed, once she was sure both Wrex and the reporter were out of earshot. "One thing I envy my daughter of was her opportunity to spend time with such fascinating people. Turians, asari, quarians... krogan." Garrus nodded. Wrex was plenty fascinating, as long as you kept him away from the ryncol and his shotgun. Things could turn from "fascinating" to "oh-Spirits-run-for-your-damn-life" pretty quickly with Wrex around. "Lately, I've been stuck on the Citadel, pushing papers. You know how it is. The higher the rank, the more bureaucratic crap you have to deal with."

Garrus was practically an expert in that area. After his time at C-Sec, he'd been bound and restricted by more than his fair share of red tape.

Hannah pressed on. "Which is why I think I'm going to leave the Citadel, take up captaincy on a ship." She took a deep breath, and for a moment, she looked ancient.

"That sounds like a good plan," Garrus said. "Life is too short to do anything but what you love."

Hannah smiled, this time with a hint of sadness. The first Garrus had seen in the short time he had known her. "Too true." They were both staring at the holo of the commander, a slightly warped image reflected on the curved metal of her immaculate casket. "What about you, Garrus? What do you love?"

His eyes lingered on the metallic reflection for a moment more before replying. "I loved being on the Normandy, being under her command. It felt like I'd finally found my place in the galaxy. The part where the Citadel was almost destroyed wasn't so great," Garrus said. Hannah laughed. He, too, cracked a small smile. "But Shepard was so full of purpose. With her, the goal was always clear. She knew right from wrong, and she always, without exception, chose right. That kind of clarity is... hard to find." Especially in a galaxy as dark as the one in which they lived. "She was the best commander anyone had the right to ask for. And I know people say she was the best of humanity, but... I believe she's the best that the whole galaxy has to offer."

Hannah's eyes were shiny. Garrus bit his tongue. Oh, no. She was crying. A single tear fell from her eye, which she quickly wiped at. Thankfully, that was the only one. Garrus was unsure of how he would have dealt with more. "It makes me proud to hear you say that, Garrus. She was..." She trailed off.

The sound of voices slightly raised, arguing, brought the two of them out of their conversation.

"What do you mean, her body couldn't be retrieved?" a man, who Garrus presumed to be Shepard's father, said to an Alliance official. "Where is she?" He was wearing a well-decorated uniform, countless pins and awards adorning his lapel. Garrus didn't recognize the uniform, though. If it wasn't Alliance, it must have been from one of the militaries back on Earth, the human home planet.

The Alliance official looked uneasy, shifting his weight from foot to foot under the glare of Shepard Senior. "Sir, we were unable to recover your daughter's remains. Her ship was destroyed, and -"

"This is bullshit!" he said angrily. "I don't know what kind of dog and pony show you people are running out here, but back on Earth, soldiers get a proper burial. Your levels of incompetence are insulting. Is this how you treat all of your fallen heroes?"

It was a loaded question. Whatever came out of his mouth would be wrong. Garrus was sure that Shepard's father had been a drill sergeant at one point, probably after he'd retired from active duty. He was, without a doubt, the source of Shepard's own attitude toward discipline: "If it doesn't follow orders, make it do push-ups. Lots of them."

Before the poor Alliance soldier could stammer out a response, Kaidan swooped in to speak to Shepard's father. "Sir, I was on the Normandy when it was attacked. There was no way any of the bodies could be recovered. Everything burned up once it reached the atmosphere. I'm sorry for your loss, sir."

He gave Kaidan a hard stare. "Who are you?"

"Lieutenant Alenko, sir. I served under Commander Shepard for nine months."

"Look, kid. I didn't come all the way out here for an empty casket. Where the hell is my daughter?"

"I... I'm sorry," Kaidan said. His hands were clasped at his sides, and though he looked exhausted, he stood up straight and looked Shepard's father, with his hardened war veteran attitude, right in the eye. "The ship was completely destroyed. There's nothing left of her."

Garrus thought that Shepard Senior would have backed down then, but he didn't. He narrowed his eyes, looking so much like the late Shepard that it scared him. "How dare you," he said with quiet fury. "No one will tell us what happened to her, and now you're saying she was wiped off the face of the galaxy?" He gave an angry huff.

"She gave her life for her crew, sir," Kaidan began. "When we were attacked, the first thing she did was make sure that as many people as possible got out alive. After putting our pilot on the last escape pod, she stayed behind to send off the distress beacon because she thought it contained vital information about our enemy. She went down with the ship because she was trying to help the others."

"And?" Shepard's father asked. His temper seemed to have settled, but his eyes had grown watery. "What of the beacon?"

"It was a blank tape, sir. The beacon had no data on it. None whatsoever." Garrus felt his heart sink. The beacon that Shepard had given her life for was of absolutely no use to the Alliance. Or to anyone. He wondered if they were going to throw it out.

Shepard Senior let out a slow, shuddering sigh that originated from deep within. Garrus could see that he hadn't aged quite as well as his wife, Hannah, and that his daughter's death wasn't making things any easier on him. "So she died for nothing." His eyes were round and wet, and his bottom lip trembled ever so slightly. Underneath his calloused skin, Garrus saw that he was just a man who wanted to look upon his daughter's face one last time before he said his final goodbye.

Kaidan shook his head. He leaned in and said something, quietly enough that Garrus couldn't hear. Shepard Senior looked up. His lip stopped trembling, and his spine straightened. He gave two curt nods.

"Oh, dear," Hannah said. "I'm afraid the General isn't taking the news very well." On the contrary, Garrus thought he was doing remarkably well. He seemed to be very adept at hiding his emotions, and regained his composure quickly if it did happen to slip. Like father, like daughter. "They had a... rocky relationship, to put it mildly. I think he regrets not making amends." Hannah turned to Garrus and put a hand on his shoulder. "It's like you said: life is too short to let the things you love pass you by." She gave his arm a squeeze before releasing him. "I know you thought that the Normandy was the right place for you, but... that time has passed. Don't just mourn Shepard; honor her. Move on with your life. Do what you love." She gave him a melancholy smile. "It's what she would have wanted." 

"Thank you, ma'am," he said.

She gave him a friendly punch in the arm, just like Shepard had always done. He smiled, even though it had hurt like hell. It was a good kind of pain. "I thought I told you to call me Hannah. Makes me feel old when you say ma'am," she said. "Anyway, I should go make sure the General doesn't frighten any more of those Alliance boys. It was nice talking to you, Garrus."

"You too, ma – Hannah." He didn't fancy getting punched again.

"And, Garrus?"

"Yes?"

"She died doing what she loved. That's all anyone can ask for."

**AN: **There's still one more part after this, since this "After" part was getting super long. Thanks for reading and leave a review!


	3. After, part two

**AN: **First of all, merry Christmas to all who celebrate! And to those who don't... New Year's is right around the corner!

And I know I said that this was going to be the last part, but there is still one more. Last one for real this time, I promise.

After, part two

Wrex was overwhelmed with a feeling of nostalgia when he strode into Chora's Den. He was reminded of the first time he'd been there with Shepard, when they were looking for Fist. The room had been filled to capacity with blood thirsty mercs, and it was just him, Shepard, and Garrus against the small army of Fist's thugs. It was the first of many glorious battles he'd share with her. As he made his way through the crowd, Tali trailing behind him, they passed the hallway that led to Fist's old office. Wrex smiled, causing nearby bar-goers to shirk away in fear. He was recalling the moment when they'd come across two warehouse workers, whom Shepard had charmed into leaving without a fight. It was the first time he'd gotten a good idea of who she really was. Given a choice, Shepard would always choose words over bullets, even if it was a bit more time-consuming. Wrex often found that skipping the talking bit made things go more smoothly, but that wasn't how Shepard operated. She avoided unnecessary casualties, which set her apart from the likes of Saren. Though he generally followed the "shoot first, ask later" rule, Shepard's way had worked for her. Not something he'd choose for himself, but Wrex did eventually allow an averse respect for the woman.

Tali and Wrex seated themselves at a table not too far from the door, so the others would be able to see them when they came in. Sure enough, Liara, who had arrived about a minute after them, spotted the unlikely pair right of the bat. She glided smoothly through the throngs of males drooling over half-naked asari shaking their asses next to poles. She rolled her eyes. Chora's Den was a hole in the wall. Initially, she'd suggested someplace with a little more class when they were planning their after-funeral get-together, but the others seemed so attached to the place that she'd given in. She wished she hadn't. She narrowly avoided stepping in a vile-smelling puddle of biological excrement being half-heartedly swept up by a gap-toothed, mottled skinned asari, apparently unqualified for the job of "exotic dancer," more suited to the role of "exotic fluids cleaner."

Liara wasn't surprised to see that Wrex already had two shot glasses in front of him; one empty, the other brimming with what looked like toxic sludge, but was actually the krogan beverage ryncol. What Liara was surprised about was that the ryncol had even gotten into the bar's collection. That stuff set off radiological alarms, but then again, so did most of the liquid in Chora's Den. She regretted not bringing her hand-sanitizer.

"Hello," she greeted the other two as she slid into her seat. "You didn't have to wait for me, Tali," she said, noticing that the quarian had nothing in front of her.

"I'm not planning on drinking. Even with my enviro-suit, I'm worried about catching something from this cesspool," Tali said. Liara smiled, glad to be in the company of a fellow germaphobe. One of the things she adored about the quarians was their cleanliness, which, after all, was next to godliness. "Besides, someone's gotta stay sober. Wrex'll miss his ship if I don't drag him to the docks."

"Ehh," Wrex said, not denying anything. She was right. He planned on getting really, really drunk.

"You're not going to stay here?" Liara asked. She didn't know much about Wrex, but Shepard had told her that the two of them had met on the Citadel, in the very bar in which they sat. Liara wasn't sure what the krogan did for a living, but she'd assumed that now Shepard was gone, he'd go back to doing whatever it was he did before he met her.

Wrex shrugged. "Nothing left for me here."

"You don't want to go back to being a freelance mercenary?" Tali inquired.

He shook his head. "No. I'm headed for Tuchanka." He actually hadn't planned on returning to the home planet, but Shepard's death made him reconsider. He recalled telling her, a long time ago, that all krogan wanted to do was fight, even at the expense of their people. Though Shepard had approved of the genophage, she'd also approved of Wrex trying to unite the krogan. At least, he was pretty sure she'd approve. He'd originally planned on remaining with her on the Normandy, putting down the pockets of geth resistance, but since that was no longer an option... well, it was about time he made himself useful.

A moment later, Garrus and Kaidan walked in. They passed by the spot where Harkin had hit on Shepard, and Kaidan smiled as he remembered her exact response: "I'd rather drink a cup of acid after chewing on a razor blade." Completely unexpected and appropriately venomous, a classic Shepard-ism.

The bartender, a curvy redhead, caught Kaidan's eye, giving him a flirty wink. He returned it with an uninterested nod. He thought he recognized her from somewhere, but he didn't care enough to try and remember.

"Looks like the party already started," Garrus said, nodding to Wrex's empty ryncol shots as he sat down next to him.

"You know us," Tali said with a wry smile that no one could see.

"What's up with the service here?" Wrex grumbled after downing yet another shot of the green poison. He was about to stand up and get some more when the ginger bartender sauntered over, carrying drinks: more ryncol, a beer for Kaidan, deep mahogany colored ale for Garrus, and Shepard and Ashley's usual: a bottle of sixty proof whiskey, straight. Apparently they'd shot the place up enough times to be considered regulars.

"Where are your two lady friends?" the bartender asked as she set the drinks on the table. The seven of them were kind of an odd group, so she usually noticed whenever they came in. She found it strange that today, they were missing two. It seemed like they never went anywhere without the tall, gray-eyed one. Garrus and Kaidan glanced at each other uneasily. When no one answered, she kept talking, "You know. Pretty faces, heavy drinkers?"

"They're dead," Wrex slurred. The bartender blinked at him. "Dumb broads. One of 'em was always tryin' to kill me, other was always tryin' to... save me." He was thinking back to Virmire, when Ashley had threatened to kill him if he didn't cooperate. If he were in her place, he would've put a bullet in his thick skull without question. It would've been quicker. But it was Shepard, Shepard and her damn "violence is not always the answer, only most of the time" motto, who convinced him to cooperate with the others, saving him a bullet in the head from that Williams girl. It appeared as if he owed her a lot more than he initially thought. He narrowed his eyes at his empty glass. Now that she was dead, those debts would remain forever unpaid.

The bartender dismissed Wrex's drunken mumblings, turning to speak to Kaidan. "Will they be joining you?"

"No," Kaidan and Garrus replied in unison.

"Leave the bottle," Liara said, staring at the table. She decided she needed a drink, after all.

The bartender did so, casting a long look at Kaidan over her shoulder as she walked away. He didn't notice. Liara poured the whiskey into the two glasses meant for Williams and Shepard. Hand trembling under its weight, she spilled a little on the table. Liara had never been close to Ashley, but her death on Virmire had left a gaping void on the team that couldn't be filled, making her wish that she had gotten to know her teammate better before she died. As for Shepard... she was unlike any other human she'd ever met. And not just because of the Prothean visions that somehow hadn't destroyed her mind when they were implanted there. Shepard had an iron will, and the means to accomplish it. Fierce in her pursuit of justice and passionate in the defense of what she valued, Shepard was the kind of person that was very, very hard to forget. In the short time Liara had known her, she'd had ample opportunity to talk to her, to try and learn as much as she could about the woman, but it wasn't enough. She was like the Prothean ruins Liara had dedicated her life to studying: mysterious, difficult to decipher, yet ultimately, so rewarding. But now the dig site was closed for good, and Liara would never get the chance to completely unearth all of the fine details of that rare, beautiful specimen.

She set one of the glasses in front of Tali, then raised her own. "Well, here's to the prettiest faced drunkards I've ever had the honor to know."

That was something Wrex could drink to. Well, in all honesty, he'd drink to anything, but as he chugged his ryncol, he closed his eyes and pictured Williams' Kovalyov X assault rifle. It was a nice gun, with all the best upgrades, but unfortunately it had been lost on Virmire. A damn waste, if you asked him. A big goddamn waste.

Tali raised the whiskey Liara had passed her along with the others, but didn't drink with them. She set it back onto the table and stared into its amber depths. Being on the Citadel for an extended period of time, which to her was more than a day, didn't suit her. She longed to be back on a ship, with anywhere in the galaxy just a mass relay jump away. The freedom of movement was exhilirating. That's what she'd loved about being on the Normandy. As a Spectre, Shepard had unlimited access to all the ports in Citadel space, a privelege that she utilized without restraint. It was exactly the kind of grand adventure all young quarians dreamed about having on their Pilgrimages. They'd jet off in their fancy ship, save the day, and be welcomed home as heroes. Home. She realized that she'd come to think of the Normandy as home, even though she always knew she'd have to return to the flotilla. Eventually. But "eventually" had come sooner than she'd anticipated. She wasn't ready to leave the Normandy yet. Despite being the only quarian onboard, she'd come to think of the others as her family. A family that fell to pieces in Shepard's absence. She swirled the whiskey around in its glass. Now that there was nothing left to unite them, the team would break up. Wrex was going to Tuchanka, Kaidan was staying with the Alliance, Liara was presumably returning to her research on the Protheans, Garrus getting a new position at C-Sec. And finally, her Pilgrimage would be over, and she'd go back to the Migrant Fleet to start a new life on a ship that wasn't really her home, with a crew that wasn't really her family.

Tali's long, drawn out sigh, and the sound of liquid splashing out of its glass brought Kaidan from his thoughts. He picked up his beer, bringing the bottle almost to his lips before setting it back down on its coaster, untouched. He was thinking about Shepard's father, and the look of desolation that had crossed his face when he'd given him the news that Shepard's beacon contained nothing of use to the Alliance at all. It was a mirror image of his own expression when Admiral Hackett himself had travelled from Arcturus Station to the Citadel to give his condolences and pay his respects to Shepard, informing Kaidan in person of the outcome of Shepard's final act of altruism for the galaxy. It had taken all of Kaidan's willpower to force himself not to break down right there in front of the admiral. He'd inhaled slowly, exhaling only when he was sure that he was able to maintain his composure. Then, as evenly as he could manage, he'd said, "I understand, sir."

But Hackett hadn't left then. The admiral had said, "We lost a good soldier, Lieutenant. Probably the best the Alliance has seen since Grissom made first contact." Hackett nodded at Kaidan, his spine as rigid as a board. Kaidan hadn't really known what to expect when he met the admiral for the first time, but from the numerous intercom transmissions they'd received while on the Normandy, Kaidan imagined that Hackett would be taller. "We're down a commander, and you're due for a promotion." Kaidan's head snapped up. Hackett watched him, waiting for him to accept the honor. But he didn't. He looked lost in his thoughts.

"Congratulations, Lieutenant Commander Alenko," Hackett said, forcing the honor on him. He knew that Kaidan was in a rough spot, but at the moment, he had to secure the future of the Alliance in the galaxy. With the only human Spectre dead, the Alliance would lose its pull in galactic affairs. Shepard's induction had been a huge step forward for the Alliance, and Hackett couldn't afford to let that go. He was putting his bets on Alenko for the next human that would get a place among the Spectres. As he watched the lieutenant hesitate, he wished that it had been Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams that was standing in his place. She would've accepted the promotion without wasting a moment. She was hard in a way that Alenko would never be.

But still, Alenko had served on the Normandy, and had even been with Shepard when they took down Saren. The Council and the other alien races respected him for that. If Alenko played his cards right, Spectreship wouldn't be far on the horizon.

Again, Kaidan paused. The admiral made him nervous. He was as influential and powerful as anyone in the Alliance, and Kaidan didn't want to give him the wrong idea about anything. But before he could stop himself, the words flew out of his mouth. "I can't accept."

Hackett didn't bother asking why. He had a pretty good idea of what was going through Alenko's head, which meant that he knew exactly what to say to convince him to accept the promotion. "Look, son, we're all gonna miss Shepard. But life moves on. We gotta do our duty, and your duty is to the Alliance." Kaidan was surprised by the forcefulness in the admiral's tone. But then, he backed off, his gravelly voice softening. "She would have been proud of you. She'd want this for you, Alenko." Then, the firm tone returned. "She knew what it meant to be a soldier."

Kaidan released the breath he'd been holding. Hackett was right. Shepard's last act in life had been to sacrifice herself for the sake of the Alliance. He would be spitting on her final will and testament if he didn't honor the same code of duty. After all, he was a soldier, too.

But Kaidan was wrong. She hadn't just sacrificed herself for the Alliance. She did it for the whole galaxy.

After a moment of silent thought, Garrus swallowed another mouthful of ale, glancing down at the dregs as he set his glass on the table. The liquid was the exact same shade of dark brown as Shepard's hair. He tried to keep from torturing himself with the memories of her, but he couldn't help it. He closed his eyes, recalling images of her on the battlefield, the muzzle of her shotgun flashing as she charged headlong into a barrage of geth troopers. A glimpse of her at the edge of his sniper rifle's scope, drawing their enemies' attention so that Garrus could pick them off as they flocked towards her. Then, more recent visions of her flooded his mind. Shepard leaning over to correct his grip on a dart. Shepard glowing biotic blue as she flung Wrex out of the path of the Mako. Shepard promising Garrus that she'd make it to the shuttles. And finally, somehow the most painful of them all, the memory of Shepard wearing her brilliant smile as she cleared the ruins of the Citadel.

He shook himself from his reverie. Was this what his life was going to be like? Would he forever be struggling, and failing, to escape from Shepard's ghost? Mistaking strangers for her on the Citadel, accidentally calling other women by her name, dreaming of her in his waking and sleeping moments equally... it was a doomed existence. But, deep down, he knew that he wasn't trying to escape. If Shepard couldn't be at his side, living and breathing and doing all the wonderful things she did, he was going to cling to whatever remnants of her that he could, like a madman grasping at the shadows of his sanity. And that was what scared him. Without Shepard, he'd turn into a shell of the man he once was.

Then, suddenly, he heard the words of Shepard's mother inside his head. _"Don't just mourn Shepard; honor her." _He pondered those words. Shepard wouldn't have wanted him to live like this, tearing himself apart in her absence. If he let her death consume him, letting it sink in and destroy him from the inside, he might as well have died on the Normandy. Garrus couldn't do that to Shepard. He couldn't let his own life go to waste, not when her own had been so valiantly spent. If all he did was sit around, weeping and wallowing in his sorrow, he was as good as dead. Shepard didn't just want Garrus to survive the attack on the Normandy; she wanted him to live to fight another day. Now that she was gone, she needed someone to keep fighting for her.

"Tali, remember that mission in the Kepler Verge? The one with the slavers?" Garrus asked his quarian comrade.

"How could I forget?" The other three stirred, their concentration shifting from the depths of their beverages to the conversation. "It's not every day I get taken hostage and my life is threatened."

Wrex laughed. "That actually happens on a pretty regular basis." The others nodded in agreement. Onboard the Normandy, it was never a dull moment. Which is to say, trouble followed them like a shadow.

Garrus continued with the story. "I'm pretty sure we both thought we were going to die. Except for Shepard, that is. After they captured us and took our weapons, the slavers held us for two days. No food, no water."

"I remember that," Liara spoke up. "We were all so worried. Kaidan wanted to search for you on foot when you didn't report back."

"We didn't have the Mako, and the nearest Alliance vessel was in the next system over. I didn't want to wait that long," Kaidan defended himself. He'd hated just sitting on the ship, not knowing if he'd ever see her again and being unable to do anything about it.

"I figured you were all dead by then. Or about to be," Wrex grunted.

Garrus nodded. "We thought so, too. But on the second day, Shepard challenged their captain to a sharpshooting contest. For every target she hit, they'd give us a bottle of water. For every target he hit, she'd take off one piece of her armor."

"I'm surprised you remember that, Garrus. You were nearly passed out from dehydration," Tali said. Shepard was worried that he wasn't going to last long enough for them to be saved, but she was hell-bent on keeping him alive. Even at the cost of some of her dignity.

"Like you said, it was hard to forget. They gave her the crappiest pistol from their armory, and he was using the Karpov X they'd taken off her when we were captured."

Tali laughed. "They went five rounds, and she was down to her underwear, with not a single water bottle to her name." It was funny now, but at the time, she was just grateful to escape in one piece.

"He was about to take those from her too, when he hit the next few shots. But then, she turned the gun on him."

Wrex chuckled, shaking the table. "I bet she had no problem hitting that shot."

Liara's eyes remained glued to Garrus, desperate to hear the end of the story. The whole crew had been given the brief version of what happened during the kidnapping, and she never bothered finding out the details. That was before she realized it had been so interesting.

"Of course not. She got him right between the eyes. She took her pistol back and told the rest of the slavers to fetch our guns, because we were leaving. And they got them. Without hesitation."

"Wait," Liara said. "I thought the moral of this story was supposed to be how you don't always have to shoot your way out of a situation."

"That's probably exactly what she would have done if their weapons hadn't been taken," Wrex said. He never pretended to know what was going on inside that head of hers, but he got the feeling that she found shedding a little slaver blood was preferable to being taken hostage. "The moral is: 'Never give your hostages guns, you damn idiot.'"

"But that's the only reason they escaped," Kaidan pointed out. "I think the moral is to be patient and seize your opportunities when you see them."

"No," Tali interceded, "The moral is to create opportunities for yourself, because no one is going to hand them to you."

The four of them looked to Garrus, waiting to hear his idea of what the lesson to be learned was, since it was, after all, his story. Even though he was barely lucid when it happened, Garrus would never forget the sight of Shepard in her underwear, lining up shot after shot just so he could have a drink of water. He was embarrassed to say that he'd rather pass out from dehydration than strip down in front of a bunch of slavers. Not to mention trying to shoot at targets. For Garrus, there wasn't really a moral to the story. But he did learn something valuable: Shepard would stop at nothing to help her friends. Even if it meant staying behind on a crashing ship, dying painfully and gasping for that last breath... but Garrus just said, "I don't know. It's just a good story."


	4. After, part three

After, part three

The five of them spent the next two hours drinking and sharing more stories about Shepard, or just bits of memories on the Normandy they were afraid they would forget if they didn't share them aloud. None of them had really wanted to leave the ship, not like they were, anyway, but there was no choice. So they did the best they could to relive those moments before they faded and were lost for good, buried underneath the lives they would each go on to lead.

For Tali, the time to part came all too soon. Her omni-tool beeped with the half hour warning until Wrex's ship left the Citadel, which meant that she had forty-five minutes to get to her own ship that would take her back to the flotilla.

"You all will keep in touch, won't you?" she asked, hugging each of them fiercely.

"Of course," they all told her, Kaidan meaning it, Garrus only half meaning it, and Liara not really having any intention of doing so.

"Okay. I-... just be safe, okay?"

"Will do, Tali."

They watched her leave as she apologized repeatedly to the people Wrex bumped into. At first, they gave her dirty looks, but when they caught sight of the massive, drunk krogan she had in tow, they quickly removed themselves from her path. The pair of them went around the corner, Tali gently reminding Wrex that they weren't in a public bathroom. She looked back at her teammates one last time before departing Chora's Den for good.

A few minutes later, Liara made up an excuse to take her leave.

"I guess this is goodbye," Garrus said. Liara shook his hand. Neither of them were holding on to the illusion that the team would keep in touch, at least not for very long. They'd been through too much together, and their separation was too painful. What they had to say to each other was better felt than spoken. The bonds they'd formed weren't the kind that needed frequent contact to be rekindled; their friendships would endure, transcending the boundaries created by a physical disconnection.

Even though Liara knew that she wouldn't be sending messages to any of them, her quiescent demeanor never wavered for a moment. "I'm sure we will see each other soon." She put her faith in fate to reunite them. The galaxy was too small for them not to find their ways back to each other. She nodded to both of them after releasing Kaidan from her embrace. "Take care of yourselves." And with that, she was gone.

Kaidan and Garrus stumbled out of Chora's Den, both much drunker than they'd initially planned on being. They split a cab up to the Presidium, where both of their apartments were. The two of them spent the ride mostly in silence, wary of the driver's prescence. They exited the cab with as much grace as they could muster, which, between the two of them, wasn't much. Unfortunately, the Presidium was crowded with politicians and bureaucrats, who went about their business at all hours of the day, and they both had a hard time not bumping into them. The Presidium's artificial sky was dimmed to evening, pale starlight dancing on the surface of the lake as it rippled from the wind simulators. They paused for a moment by its edge as it came time for them to part ways.

"Well, Garrus, I..." Kaidan paused. His dark eyebrows furrowed. He looked up, meeting Garrus's eyes. "It's been a good run, hasn't it?"

"Yeah," Garrus replied. "It has."

"Whatever comes next, I'm sure that Shepard would have..." Kaidan seemed to have trouble continuing. Garrus brought a hand down onto his shoulder.

"Kaidan: I know." That was all the farewell either of them needed.

Garrus nearly tripped over his own feet getting into the elevator inside his apartment. All he wanted to do was tear off his stuffy formal suit and collapse into bed. Somewhere, he knew in the back of his mind that in the morning, he'd be fending off the hangover of the century. At the moment, he was content to stand in the elevator and stare at the floor counter. However, something prevented him from doing so. Rather, someone.

"Vakarian?" As riveting as it was, Garrus peeled his eyes away from the level counter and turned to the source of the disruption.

It was his old boss, Executor Pallin. "Garrus Vakarian?"

"Mmm," was his reply. It was like his worst nightmare come to life. Running into his former boss right after Shepard's funeral, when he was drunk off his ass. He stifled a giggle. It was almost comical that things couldn't get much worse.

"Wow," Pallin said. "What are you doing on the Citadel? Back at your old apartment, I mean. I thought that you were still with that human Spectre, on that ship of hers."

"Dead," Garrus said. "Ship, destroyed. Spectre, dead."

Pallin offered his condolences, but Garrus waved them off. The words had started to lose meaning for him. "Well look, at any rate, there's been a lot of openings in C-Sec, because of the attack. I could get you a real sweet job, Garrus. Easy hours, good pay. Hell, most days, you wouldn't even have to leave the office. How does that sound?"

Garrus considered his proposal for a moment. On one hand, Garrus was out of a job. If he wanted to keep his apartment, that would have to change. But on the other hand, sitting around in a C-Sec office all day, getting paid to twiddle his thumbs, was about the worst way to honor Shepard that he could think of.

So Garrus turned to the Executor and said cheerily, "Sounds terrible!"

Pallin kept smiling for a moment. "Excellent! Why don't we -" then he realized what Garrus had said. "C'mon, Vakarian. Don't be so hard-headed. You got a better offer lined up? I'll up the salary, just give me a number."

"No offers. No numbers. Just... no."

The elevator dinged. The VI announced that Garrus had reached his destination. He stepped out into the hallway.

"Garrus! You're making a mistake!"And as Garrus walked away, he showed Pallin one of the more valuable things he'd learned from Shepard: giving your superiors the middle finger. In this case, literally.

Garrus skipped over the part where he was supposed to take off his clothes and collapsed right into bed. He smiled into his pillow. He felt good. He was still pretty drunk, and he'd shown his old boss who was the boss. However, that still left him with the problem of a job. The rent wasn't going to pay itself. And C-Sec was the only place for him to work on the Citadel; now that it wasn't an option, he wasn't sure what he would do. He considered signing up with a reconstruction team to aid in the rebuilding of the Citadel, but that honestly seemed like something Garrus would be horrible at.

Maybe he could stick with what he was good at: killing bad guys. Garrus flopped onto his back, kicking off his boots. Crime on the Citadel was definitely C-Sec's business. He already decided that wasn't the right path for him. Then, it occurred to Garrus that there was really nothing that was keeping him on the Citadel. Why did his reach have to be so short? He could leave the Citadel, leave his stupid, expensive apartment and fight crime out in the galaxy. Go where he was needed most. Become a policeman, or better yet, a vigilante.

It hit him. He jumped to his feet, pumped his fist in the air, and said, "Omega!"

He got a massive headrush, fell back onto his bed, then promptly proceeded to curl up and go to sleep.

**Two Years Later: Archangel's Headquarters, Omega**

Garrus leaned back in his chair to stare up at the ceiling. Letting his mind wander for a moment, his thoughts drifted to Shepard. Whenever he thought about her, he got a twisted, sinking feeling in his stomach, which he usually tried to sate by thinking of his current work. He was the Archangel of Omega, the knight in shining blue armor for the helpless innocents who were exploited by the rich and the powerful. On Omega, that meant the people with drugs and guns. But now, things were changing. The influence of the mercenaries was receding, ever fearful of the wrath of the Archangel and his disciples. At least, they seemed to be a little more careful about their planning. Garrus sighed. As much as he and his team did, it hardly seemed to be enough. Crime was still rampant, people still got hurt all the time. Sometimes, all he could think about was how much more of a difference he and Shepard could make, if she were still alive and at his side...

He stopped himself. Over the past months, he'd trained himself by the words of Shepard's mother. He learned to differentiate between when he was mourning Shepard and when he was honoring her. As soon as he crossed into the "mourning" realm, he did his best to move on from that destructive line of thought. It wasn't always easy. In fact, it was difficult as hell. But there was nothing else he could do. It was either that, or retreat into himself from the sorrow, barely dulled with the passage of time. So he did his best to keep his chin up and his eyes forward, concentrating on the good that he was doing.

Garrus glanced at a framed holo on his desk, the one of him and Shepard standing by the Mako. It was from when they'd first known each other, so they were standing a little stiffly, smiling a little formally. He stared at it for a moment, as he often did, before logging onto his private terminal to check his messages.

There were a few business matters to attend to, which Garrus quickly dealt with. He'd become quite adept at being the leader of his own team of vigilantes, as well as all the responsibilities that came with it. The job wasn't always easy. In fact, it was never easy. But it was the only thing he had, and he threw himself into it. Just as he was about to log off and go check on a transport shuttle his team had been in the process of retrofitting with a new weapons system, there was a knock at the door.

"You can come in," Garrus called.

It was Lantar Sidonis, a rather recent addition to the team. "What's up?" Garrus asked.

Sidonis shifted his weight from foot to foot. "Sir, there's a, ummm, job, near that old warehouse out in the Kryik District."

"What kind of job?"

"Uhhh," Sidonis was wringing his fingers. "I overheard some smugglers saying there was a deal going down, in that old warehouse."

Garrus glanced at his omni-tool. He probably had a few hours to kill before the transport shuttle was ready to go, and anyway, the engineers really didn't like it when he was breathing down their necks. "Okay. Thanks for the tip, Sidonis."

"No problem, boss." Without turning his back to Garrus, Sidonis made his way out of the office as quickly as he could manage.

Garrus was halfway to the door before he remembered to shut off his terminal. He strode back to his desk and was about to enter the power down command when something caught his eye: a new message, from just a few seconds ago. It was from Kaidan Alenko, with a subject line of just one word: "Shepard."

Garrus sighed. He hadn't heard from Kaidan in a while, but he was betting that this message was probably some cathartic revelation of Kaidan's about their deceased commander. He shut the terminal's power off. Garrus would get around to replying to the message eventually, but at the moment, he needed his head clear for the mission.

He glanced one last time at the holo of him and Shepard before heading out the door to investigate the mission given to him by Sidonis. Time to make her proud.


End file.

Mass Effect, Hurt-Comfort, Sci-Fi