Naruto 1. Meeting the Kids

**Author note**

**Soooo… this crack fic from hell was born during a strange completely narutarded conversation between me and my amazing cousin about what we would do if we were in Naruto (yeah I know. Don't comment unless its to say "I do that all the time lol."). Even though I told myself not to start anymore fics unless they were oneshots, I couldn't resist this ultimate crack AU that is probably only funny to me and my cousin. In fact this is a co-created project made by us which may eventually have art up on DA.**

**Now I must say that this chap is going to be the least cracky of this fic, but still understand that this is a random crack AU fic spawned by madness that anything can and will happen in. And I mean anything…**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Naruto. If we did, soooo much would happen differently… (I will even unnecessarily state one thing we would do each chapter because I can…)**

**Anyway… Enjoy : )**

**Warning! This fic contains Tsunade/Shizune, Orochimaru/Kabuto, and Haku/Zabuza. Don't worry its just the wierd ass ideas, I am not a yaoi person at all, I do not write it. Oh yeah, also contains Orochimaru raising children further on. Naruto/Hinata, Sasuke/Sakura, Neji/Tenten, and other pairings will be involved.**

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><p>"We're WHAT?" The outraged cry came from Lord Hokage's private office, the Hokage sighed. He knew this wasn't going to be easy. Why didn't he just make one of his monkeys do this?<p>

"You two have been demoted from the ANBU Black Ops." The old man repeated.

"But why?" The same woman from before asked heatedly. Her bright orange hair was like a fiery halo, her dark eyes ablaze with outrage.

"Well you see, Zyra, you two were demoted for scaring the other ANBU." The aging man braced himself for the coming explosion. Zyra had always been a little unstable… The now reinstated Jonin practically fell over in disbelief before quickly returning to her feat. Her maroon eyes now shining red, and the Hokage could almost see the woman's head smoking.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? We scarred THEM and WE got demoted? They should get demoted for not having enough balls!" The old man sighed.

"Calm down Zyra, you're not helping the situation." The infuriated Jonin's companion finally spoke. She was standing calmly with her arms crossed over her chest, the light in the room giving her dark hair a blue sheen.

"But, RT-!"

"Yeah this is bull, but if you keep freaking out like this we'll be demoted to Chunin!" The controlled woman snapped. Zyra deflated.

"Yeah, I guess you're right…"

"You two also failed the sanity test by one point." The Hokage added to finish the report, immediately regretting it.

"WHAT?" The two in front of them chorused. Yep, this was going to be a long, long day.

**XXX**

A sandaled foot kicked idly at the ground as the two Jonin walked aimlessly around Konoha.

"This sucks! Not only do we get demoted but we have to take a leave from missions due to 'a need for therapy'. Ugh this is such bull." Zyra complained, continuing to kick the stray pebbles that littered the street.

"I know. What are we supposed to do with our time anyway?" RT grumbled.

"No clue." Her orange haired partner huffed. "This blows." RT let out a sigh. The dark haired Shinobi glanced up, hoping to find something to entertain them when she caught sight of it. It seemed that their aimless walk had led them to a building that she was pretty sure hadn't been there last time she had walked in this part of the village. Her light grey eyes scanned the sign.

"Tsunade and Shizune's Orphanage." She read aloud. "Wait, since when do they run an orphanage?" When did they even get back?" She questioned. They were so out of the loop…

"Yeah weird." Zyra commented while taking on a contemplative look. Suddenly a grin spread across her face and her eyes were lit with a genius that greatly resembled insanity.

"Oh, god, you've got that look. Should I be concerned?" Her partner asked warily. Last time her friend had had that look on her face things went to hell.

"I've got it!" The orange haired woman yelled triumphantly, striking a pose.

"Got what?" RT asked begrudgingly.

"We should adopt children in need!" Zyra responded in a heroic voice.

"Seriously?" Her friend asked in that tone you use when someone has said or done something reeeaaallly stupid.

"Yes! Think about it, we can't do any missions because of our 'mental states' we can't train Chunin due to the same problem, and we have nothing to do! It's the only way we can do something useful. Giving love to a poor child who has only known pain and suffering! Crumbling to pieces due to lack of parents and an intense feeling of loneliness that matches the power of a thousand suns! To think of all the good we could do for these poor, innocent-!"

"Okay, I get it!" RT yelled, effectively silencing her preaching partner. She thought for a moment before continuing. "You know, that's actually not a bad idea." She said with a smirk. "Yes! Let us adopt children in need!" The two fist pumped before dramatically running into the orphanage.

**XXX**

Tsunade was enjoying a peaceful morning at the reception desk of her and Shizune's orphanage. The blonde was happily sipping at a warm cup of tea as she went over her current paper work when she heard the bell on the door ring as someone entered.

"Good morning, and welcome to the orphan-" She stopped dead mid word. The two woman standing in the entrance of her orphanage were well known. She had heard rumors of their feats as ANBU Black Ops and of their recent demotion, but most importantly, she knew them for their tendency to take everything to an extreme that bordered on insanity,

"Oh god, what are you two doing here?" The blonde asked, slightly fearful of the answer. The two Jonin smirked at each other before replying in unison.

"We are here to adopt children in need!"

"Oh dear god O-o." Tsunade sent a silent prayer that this wouldn't turn into a disaster.

"So, where do we meet the kiddies?" Zyra asked with a smirk.

"Uh, Shizune will take you to where the children are." She said with an almost terrified expression as she tried to imagine the two Jonin raising children. God help them all… Unfortunately she had set a 'No child shall be denied a potential family.' rule. "SHIZUNE!" She yelled, summoning her life partner. The brunette appeared shortly after, panting heavily and covered in what looked like finger paint.

"Yes, Tsunade?"

"Take these two to outside to the children."

"Of course. Right this way please." Shizune smiled and gestured the two women to follow her. The two Jonin quickly fell into line behind the brunette, excited to see which child would become their own.

**XXX**

Children played and laughed in the playground of the orphanage while others seemed distant and quiet. RT smiled affectionately, she loved kids and was actually really excited to have one of her own. She quickly scanned the masses for any one that she felt a connection with. Zyra on the other hand seemed more interested in playing a game of ball with a group of children. RT shook her head. _Typical Zyra_. Suddenly something caught her eye. A young girl was sitting idly on a tree swing, completely oblivious to the loud children (and Zyra) playing ball close by. The Jonin made the decision to approach and start a conversation, maybe this girl would be the one she was looking for. She walked up and sat on the swing next to the girl's.

"Hi there." RT said kindly. The dark haired girl practically jumped out of her skin.

"Oh uh hi." She responded timidly, seemingly trying to hide behind the rope that held the swing up. It was then that RT realized something… The kid was freaking adorable!

"What's you're name?" The shinobi coaxed.

"H-hinata." The girl said shakily. All RT could think was 'awwwwww'.

"I'm RT. It's nice to meet you, Hinata-chan." She smiled.

"Nice to meet you too." Hinata responded shyly, tapping her two index fingers together. _This kid is tooooo cute_! The ex-ANBU thought fervently.

"Need a push?" She asked.

"Huh?" The girl gave a questioning look. It was then that RT saw her eyes, Hyuga eyes. Yep, her suspicion was now assured. The Hyuga clan was full of assholes.

"A push on the swing? You do like to swing right?" Hinata looked up in surprise with her pale lavender eyes.

"Yes." She replied quietly. RT smiled with affection as she stood up and began to push the little girl gently on the swing. This was the beginning of beautiful mother-daughter bonding.

**Meanwhile with the spaz ninja known as Zyra…**

_I feel like a kid again! _Zyra thought happily as she ran aimlessly back and fourth with the children playing ball. _Wow, slow down there, Zyra. You're supposed to be looking to adopt a kid, not become one. No more fooling around! You must be a mature motherly figure! _She stopped chasing after the ball with the kids and stood off to the side, observing the kids as she had seen RT do. When a surprisingly familiar face appeared near the children playing ball.

"Hey guys, can I join?" A young blonde boy with whiskers asked the group of children. Zyra had seen Naruto Uzumaki many a time before, everyone had. He had always been shunned and this time would be no different, but know she had the perfect opportunity to help Naruto out. Besides, he reminded her of herself. Spazy and determined.

"No way, you're a loser." A dark haired boy said before turning to the rest of the children. "Come on, lets go." The rest of the kids followed him without question. Naruto's face fell. This happened every time. Why couldn't someone accept him?

"Wow, kids these days." The shinobi muttered disapprovingly. _Poor little guy_… "Hey there, kiddo." Zyra smiled as she walked up to the now sullen Naruto. The young boy looked up to see the ninja crouched next to him.

"Hey, you're a Jonin!" The boy proclaimed excitedly, immediately recognizing the uniform. Zyra smiled at the boy's enthusiasm.

"Yep, one of the best." She replied, pointing to herself with her thumb.

"Way cool!" He said in awe before his expression turned determined. "You know, I'm gonna be Hokage one day! Then everyone would start respecting me." He said the last part wistfully, staring off at the other kids.

"I respect you." The woman told him. His eyes lit up.

"Really?"

"You better believe it!" She placed a hand on his small shoulder. "Naruto, you are one of the bravest and most determined people I've ever seen. I have no doubt that you could become Hokage one day, though it might help to have 24/7 teacher." She grinned. His eyes shone.

"You'd be my sensei?" He asked excitedly.

"I could show you a few tricks of the trade and give you a place to call your own." She suggested.

"Seriously?"

"Yep."

"This is awesome!" He yelled, flinging himself at the Jonin and practically strangling her with a hug. Before the ninja could suffocate she was released and watched happily as Naruto proceeded to dance around in excitement. Sure the kid would be a handful, but what couldn't she handle?

**Back to RT!**

"So, Hinata-chan-" RT began as she paused in her activity of swing pushing.

"Yes?" The shy girl asked, looking back and up to see the woman's face.

"You have friends right?" She asked. She had an idea of how to get little Hinata out of her shell. A sibling…

"Uh huh." Hinata nodded shyly. The ex-ANBU scanned the crowd of children before pausing on Zyra with… wait that was Naruto. _Figures_. She thought. Zyra always did have a soft spot for the blonde. It looked like the two were getting along great.

"Are you friends with Naruto?" RT asked the girl. The child gasped and ducked her head as a bright blush covered her cheeks and her fingers resumed poking each other.

"Um, well I have a friend named Choji. We should go see him."

"Okay." RT laughed slightly as she took the girls hand gently in her own and had her lead her to this Choji. _So Hinata has a crush on Naruto. Awwwww_. _I'll have to tell Zyra about that. _

After much encouragement, Hinata led her to the other end of the playground, passing a few playing children on the way. The girl finally paused when they reached two kids laying on the ground just staring up at the clouds.

"Uh h-hi, Choji." The Hyuga girl said to whichever of the two boys Choji was.

"Oh hi, Hinata." A voice greeted, it sounded like someone with their mouthful. One of the boys pushed themselves into a sitting position. His hair was bushy and brown and he was munching happily on a bag of potato chips. "What's up?" He asked, continuing to eat his chips.

"This is um, RT." The young girl resumed her nervous hand movements. "S-she's going to adopt someone and wa-wanted to know if I knew someone who would also like a home and I said that, that you would be a great son." She explained shyly with her head down.

"It's nice to meet you, Choji." RT grinned, holding out her hand. "Well what do ya say?" The Jonin questioned kindly. Choji just stared at her hand with wide eyes. His parents had been killed in the Nine-Tailed Fox attack and he had been at the orphanage ever since. Sure he had made friends with Hinata and some other kids, and Shikamaru came to visit him practically every day, but he never thought he would have a true family again. Though despite those pessimistic thoughts, here was someone offering him a home and family. The chubby boy couldn't help but tear up and fling himself into RT for a hug.

"Yay! We're gonna be one big happy family!" The boy practically sobbed in joy. The Jonin smiled in genuine happiness as she gently forced the timid Hinata into their first family hug. Zyra had been right. Adopting children in need really had been the right thing to do.

"So what do you two say," The Jonin began as she released the two kids. "To grabbing a snack while your new mother fills out some paper work?" Hinata looked surprised at the term 'mother'. Hinata only thought that RT wanted someone to point out good children. Why would a strong jounin like RT want to adopt such a week, scared little girl like herself? But, looking in the woman's kind eyes, she saw something she hadn't seen since her mother had passed away. Love. Maybe she was wrong, maybe RT would treat her equally and care about her unlike her family had. Maybe… they could be a happy family. Choji on the other hand…

"A snack? All right! This is the best family ever!" He cheered gleefully, grabbing Hinata's hand, much to her surprise and embarrassment, and taking off for the main building, no doubt to raid the kitchens chip stock. RT just shook her head and watched them go with an endearing look on her face. She already had a soft spot for the two kids she was about to make her own, and she vowed to be the best mother she could.

**Now back to Zyra! (Lol its like the Old Spice commercial :P)**

Zyra was still calm down the over excited Naruto when someone caught her eye. A young boy was sitting in the sandbox all alone, with the saddest look Zyra had ever seen.

Her heart pulled at the sight. She had to go over and talk to him…

"Hey, Naruto." She said, placing a hand on the boy's shoulder to still him. "Why don't you go back up your stuff and meet me in the waiting room. I'm going to see if I can get you a brother."

"A brother? Sweet deal!" The blonde exclaimed exuberantly. "Not only do I get a parent-slash-teacher, I get a sparring partner too! This is awesome!' Zyra sighed.

"Naruto, Brother doesn't have to mean automatic sparring partner." Tried to explain. The kid ignored her.

"I better go get my stuff! Oh, this is gonna be the best! Believe it!" He yelled before stampeding into the building. The Jonin sighed.

"What did I get myself into." She muttered to herself before she turned her attention back to the strikingly redheaded boy in the sand box. The kid didn't even seem to notice her as she stepped into the sand box and seated herself beside him.

"Hey there." She said with a smile, giving a slight wave. The boy jumped in surprise before turning to look at her with wide jade eyes.

"Uh, hello." He responded. He looked almost frightened.

"I'm Zyra, what's your name?" She asked kindly.

"Gaara." He replied, squeezing the teddy bear in his arms tightly. The shinobi immediately sensed that something was wrong, he seemed almost afraid of her. As if at any second she would turn on him and attack him, or shun him and leave him alone. Neither seemed very good…

"Are you okay?" She asked gently, looking sadly at the fearful boy.

"You… care?" He looked up at her face with wide eyes. No one had ever really cared about him. He thought that Yashamaru had cared, but he had given him away the second the orphanage in the Hidden Leaf Village had opened. No one had ever liked him in the Sand Village, they were all afraid of him, and the few children that had approached him at the orphanage had been no different. They feared his power over the sand and thought that he was a freak, just like everyone else. Why would this woman care about him anyway? Especially since no one else did. The Jonin was shocked.

"Of course I care! You're a kid in need. Why wouldn't I care? Everyone deserves some love." His eyes only seemed to get bigger.

"Love?" He asked innocently. Zrya's heart felt like it was breaking.

"Yeah, love. The feeling you get when you know someone cares about you, or when you have a family. A warm and fuzzy feeling right here." She said, softly poking a finger over his heart. His eyes shone as he looked up at her smiling face, her kind eyes sparkling back at him with an affectionate look.

"A family…" His voice took on a wistful tone.

"Yep, I came here to make one. Would you like to be a part of it, little one?" She asked, holding out her hand invitingly. Gaara looked from her outstretched hand to her face, barely able to believe that someone… cared about him, that someone wanted him to be part of a family. He held back tears as he stretched out his little arm and took hold of her larger hand, still clutching the teddy bear with his other hand. "Now lets go fill out some paperwork." She said happily as she began to walk back into the orphanage with the young boy. "And lets not forget, I have to introduce you to your brother Naruto." She grinned enthusiastically. For the first time in a long time, Gaara smiled. He had a family now, people that would care for him and love him like no one else ever had. Maybe, just maybe, the world wasn't such a sad and lonely place after all…

**To the paper work! **

In a strange phenomena of coincidence, Zyra and RT ended up in the orphanage's main lobby at the same time, casting each other weird looks when the entered the room simultaneously.

"Hey, RT! So who are the kiddies?" The orange haired woman asked, smiling at the two children with her friend. Hinata gripped RT's pant leg tighter, almost hidding behind her while Choji just waved.

"Oh, Zyra, This is Choji." She said, pointing to the boy. "And this is Hinata." She placed her other hand atop the girls head. "And who's that?" She asked, gesturing to Gaara. The scarlet headed boy tightend his small fingers around Zyra's hand and looked down.

"This is Gaara." The orange haired ninja said affectionately. "Its okay, this is RT, a friend of mine. She's nice, don't worry." She whispered to the boy encouragingly. Before little Gaara could react however, a certain blonde barreled into the room wearing an obviously overstuffed backpack.

"I got all my stuff! Hope I didn't take to long!" Naruto looked around. Zyra was with a little redhead who was looking at him with nervous curiosity. So that was his new brother… awesome! He looked across from the woman who was about to adopt him and saw another Jonin with a grinning Choji and a blushing Hinata. He grinned broadly at them and gave a thumbs up. Sweet, they would all be adopted today!

"So are you all ready to go?" Shizune asked, seeming to materialize out of thin air. Zyra sent a glare at the brunette as Gaara practically jumped out of his skin, RT sharing a similar look before her face lightened.

"Yeah, I think we're ready. Lets sign that paperwork!"

"Alright, just come with me and I'll take you to Tsunade to fill out all the paperwork. The kids will wait here with me while I have an assistant collect their things.

"Okay, lets do this. Naruto, you take care of Gaara, alright?"

"Sure thing." He said happily before walking up to Gaara and taking his free hand, leading the boy to one of the waiting benches and chattering at a constant rate. Though he was being unexpectedly kind and gentle with his new little brother. Zyra smiled affectionately as she watched the two boys interact as if they had always been family.

"You too, guys. Be polite, these boys will practically be family you'll be seeing them so much!" RT encouraged, gently pushing them towards the two other children. Hinata's blush only got darker, causing an internal 'aaaawwww' from the three women before they disappeared into the room next door. The two crazy ninjas were about to have their own crazy families, and the four children were about to experience the craziest, but most loving family life they could ever imagine.

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><p><strong>I find it sad that the longest chapter for a fanfic I have ever written is for a crack AU…<strong>

**Anywho here's the first chapter everyone! Stay tuned for more randomness to come!**

**See ya next time :D!**


	2. Forced Fatherhood

**Author note**

**Well here's chapter 2! And quite honestly I am still in shock that this crack fic has the longest chapters for a fic that I have ever written. **

**In this chap, the AU crack really starts to emerge lol.**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Naruto! (Now as I said last chap I will state one thing that we would change and or make happen if we did.) Immediate NaruHina!**

**Enjoy the random : )!**

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><p>With the paperwork finished, it was time for the two ninja and their new children to head on home.<p>

**With Zyra and the boys…**

Zyra was giving her two boys the grand tour of her two bedroom apartment, introducing them to their new home.

"And this here is your room." She said as she slid open the door to the last room of the apartment. She was so glad that the necessary items like beds were provided by the orphanage for the adopted.

"Wow this is way cool." Naruto praised, immediately starting to unpack his stuff and arrange it around his new bed, placing his odd sleeping hat on the pillow. The blonde flopped down on his bed with a huge grin on his face. "This is great. Isn't it, Gaara?" The younger boy looked over at his new brother from where he sat on his bed, his teddy bear next to him.

"Uh huh." He replied after a while, with a smile on his young face. He hadn't smiled since he had been given to the orphanage, it felt good to smile with family, it felt right. Zyra beamed at the look on the boys faces.

"So," She began after a moment. "who's up for some lunch?"

"Ooh, Me! Me!" Naruto said, raising his hand in eagerness. The Jonin smirked.

"What about you, Gaara. You hungry?" The boy placed a tiny hand over his stomach and nodded.

"Okay then, how about we go get some ramen?"

"Ramen! Oh yeah!" Naruto cheered, leaping off the bed and running for the door.

"Naruto slow down!" But it was no use, the exuberant child was already out of the apartment and zipping towards the ramen shop. Zyra sighed. She sure had gotten a handful with that one, at least Gaara was quiet. "Okay, kiddo. Lets go catch up with that knuckleheaded brother of yours." The elite ninja said, taking her son's hand. With that they walked out of their home, off to catch up with the over energized Naruto.

**At the ramen shop…**

Naruto ran as fast as he could to what he knew was his favorite place in Konoha, besides new home which was his top favorite of course. He stopped in front of the shop, grinning madly and jumping up and down before taking his usual seat on the middle stool of the stand. He closed his eyes and rubbed his hands together in anticipation.

"So what are you having Gaar-" He paused when he opened his eyes and saw that neither his new brother or mother were with him. He would have to wait for them then…

Easier said then done.

Delicious scents wafted around his nostrils from the delicious food he loved so much.

"Aw man this is torture! Having to smell all that ramen..." The blonde pouted as he stared longingly at the steaming noodles.

"Ran ahead too?" The question came from beside him, and Naruto turned to his right to see the equally pained face of Choji.

"Yeeaah…" Naruto sighed sadly. _Hurry up 'mom'! _He thought reverently, he couldn't take much more of this…

"Choji, you scared me running off like that! Hinata and I were worried. Please don't go off on your own like that again." RT scolded in a concerned voice as she held the stand's fabric flap aside. Choji looked guilty.

"Sorry, mom. I'm just so hungry!" His new mother sighed understandingly.

"That's alright. You know, I've never really been one for patience either." The Jonin admitted with a small laugh.

Hinata was holding her hand, but released as they took their seats near Choji. The young girl turned to ask her brother something when she caught sight of the sulking Naruto. She blushed and ducked her head.

"H-hi, Naruto." Said boy looked away from the taunting ramen to respond.

"Oh hey there, Hinata." He said gloomily before returning to his sulking.

"That is no way to speak to a lady, Naruto." Zyra scolded as she and Gaara finally entered the shop.

"Mom! Oh thank god you're here! I'm starved!"

"Hold on there, speed demon. Before we eat anything you've got to know that you cant just run off like that. Dangerous people walk these streets at every time of day." She looked suspiciously about as if she were referring to a specific person rather than just multiple people. "Certain dangerous people, and I don't want you to- Oh hey there, RT. What a coincidence seeing you and the kids here."

"Yeah well you know." The grey eyed woman said vaguely. Zyra nodded in understanding.

"Indeed." The orange haired Jonin mused. "Well no point just sittin' here." She continued. "Lets eat!"

"YAY!" Choji and Naruto chorused as they all ordered their meal and chowed down.

They all enjoyed their first family meal. Choji and Naruto, stuffing their faces with ramen. Gaara nibbling away at the noodles with adorable curiosity. A still blushing Hinata barely able to concentrate on her meal. And a smiling RT and Zyra who were just enjoying the first nummy meal with their children.

Well they were smiling 'til they got the bill that is…

**That night, in Zyra's apartment!**

After Zyra's catastrophe of a dinner had been finished, much to the protest of all three stomachs, it was time for bed. The two young boys were yawning as the climbed into their beds, snuggling under the covers. Zyra looked at them affectionately before moving to tuck them in comfortably and give them a good night kiss.

First she moved to Naruto, adjusting the sheets and placing his funny sleeping hat on his head before planting a quick kiss on his forehead. The second she stepped away the kid was out like a light. She chuckled quietly, she knew he was bound to run out of energy some time. The Jonin moved over to Gaara's bed, smoothing out the blanket covering and ruffling his red hair.

"Mommy?" Zyra froze at the word and turned to look Gaara in his jade eyes. That word coming from the boy's mouth made her heart tug, he was just too cute.

"Yes, Gaara?" She asked as she sat herself on the edge of the bed next to him.

"Do we have a dad too?" He asked with wide and questioning eyes. His hopeful tone pulled at her heartstrings. She couldn't do it, she couldn't tell him the truth.

"Of course you do." She smiled. The second the words were out of her mouth she regretted it. His face lit up.

"Really? Where is he? When do we get to meet him." He asked, sitting up now and leaning forward in an anticipation Zyra hadn't known the quiet boy possessed.

"He's on a mission." She made up hastily.

"When does he get back?" Gaara was practically glowing now. _This poor kid wants a full family so badly… what scumbag decided to try and throw him away like dirt? When I find him, 'cause oh I will, I'll ring his neck for what he's done_. Zyra thought. She snapped herself out of her thoughts and ruffled Gaara's thick hair. Unable to keep the child waiting for total happiness, she further dug herself into a hole.

"He gets back tomorrow night, and he'll be very happy to meet you and Naruto." The look of pure joy on Gaara's face was the most adorable thing Zyra had ever seen. "But you have to sleep now, okay. You have to rest up for tomorrow, now don't ya?" The redhead's face fell to one of disappointment.

"But… I can't sleep. I've never slept." He informed her. The ex-ANBU suppressed her surprise and nearly slapped herself for not noticing the huge dark rings around the boys eyes. She could be so stupid sometimes…

"Well then, how about you just snuggle down and get some rest. Okay?"

"Okay." The boy agreed after a while, maneuvering back under the covers before grasping his teddy bear and bringing it closer so he could pet it's soft fur. _God… how cute can these kids get?_

"Good night, Gaara." She whispered then kissed the side of his head. "I love you guys." She said softly before turning off the lights and leaving the room. She sighed, leaning against the opposite wall.

"I just screwed myself over, didn't I?" She murmured to herself. No! She couldn't think like that! She told Gaara that they had a dad and by god she would get them a dad! Now just how to go about such a feat…

She snapped her fingers silently as an idea popped into her head.

She had a plan, but she needed her partner in insanity.

**At 12:00 that night…**

RT was just lying in bed comfortably, smiling as the memories of the day floated through her head, lulling her slowly into a nice deep sleep.

_Thud._

The light sound next to her bed had her bolting upright, searching frantically for the kunai she kept on her bedside table. Her frantic scrabbling had her ending up on the floor in a tangle of sheets.

"You know, that's why I keep a kunai under my pillow." An all to familiar voice said before the bedside lamp was turned own, revealing an all to familiar face.

"Zyra! What the hell are you doing sneaking into my house at midnight?" She snapped, trying not to yell to avoid waking the kids.

"Well, I kind of dug myself into a hole." Zyra said while RT sent her a disapproving look. "But!" She interrupted before RT could say anything. "It gave me an idea."

"Fine," RT sighed in defeat. "what is it?"

"Kids do better with father figures in their lives, right?"

"Riiiight… but where are you going with this?"

"We need to get the children father figures!" Zyra exclaimed as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"And how the hell are we supposed to do that? And what gave you that idea anyway." RT asked in irritation.

"Well, you see, I was tucking Gaara in when he asked if they had a daddy too and well… I just couldn't deny him! You should have seen his poor little face and hopeful eyes!" The maroon eyed ninja defended herself. "And it's a good idea anyway. The kids need a man's influence in their lives, especially the boys."

"I guess you're right… But the question still stands. How do we get the father figures?"

"Oh that! That part'll be easy. We find a man we trust to help raise our children, then ask or force him to do it." Zyra finished her explanation with her signature grin. RT looked at her and shook her head with a smile.

"You know, you are one sick individual…"

"Yes that may be, but I am also an occasional genius."

"True, true." The dark haired woman nodded in consent. "Well, if we're going to go man hunting tomorrow, literally… Can you get out of my house so I can go to sleep?"

"Oh yeah, heh heh, sorry bout that. Good night!" Her crazy partner said before leaping out the window. RT turned off the light and closed her eyes, ready for a nice long uninterrupted slumber until-

"Don't let Orochimaru bite." Zyra whispered creepily through the still open window. RT's eyes shot open in irritation, she should be used to that by now, but it still creeped her out.

**The next day… On the man hunt!**

The sun was shinning brightly in Konoha, it was going to be a lovely day… especially for the man hunt RT and Zyra were about to go on. They had left the kids alone, using the well known 'if you're good you get a surprise' deal. The two had complete faith that the kids wouldn't get into trouble, especially since they were to meet their fathers sometime during the day. Of course they were completely oblivious to the 'forced' part in the title father.

"Okay so here's the game plan." Zyra began. "We find our guy, ask them if they want to do it, and if that doesn't work… we force them to do it anyway."

"Sounds good." RT nodded. "Lets do this!" She shouted before disappearing to hunt whoever she was after.

"Right." Her partner responded to the air before making her way around the village on the rooftops.

**RT's hunt!**

RT knew exactly who she was going to rope into parenthood. He was a friend of hers despite the fact that not many in the village really cared for his company. The reinstated Jonin just didn't understand why they wouldn't just let that little incident go, it was an accident after all.

It wasn't that hard to find him. The dark haired man had been forced into doing community service and free missions since the 'incident' one year before. She found him outside the ramen shop sweeping the streets, wearing an apron over his usual clothes. She approached him casually and obviously. He didn't notice her, just continued to mutter to himself about accidents, no money, sweeping, and stupid relatives.

"Hey, Itachi." She greeted with a smile and a wave. The man stopped his grumbling to respond.

"Morning, RT. What's up?"

**(Now before we continue, I must explain what **_**really **_**happened to the Uchiha clan that night…)**

_Little pre-jerk Sasuke was walking home from school one night. He was late and was hurrying home as fast as his little legs could carry him. The lights were out across the entire Uchiha compound and, concerned, the boy ran home faster. He found it odd that he ran into and heard no one on his way. The five year old ran to his house and opened the door to the main room and switched the lights on, revealing a horrible sight. All the members of his clan were lying on the floor, dead, surrounded by a variety of party items. He looked around and found Itachi slumped against the back wall, his handsome face flushed with alcohol as snored away in a drunken sleep. Their dead mother and father lumped next to him._

"_Itachi, what have you done?" The little boy shrieked as tears streamed down his face. The scream awoke Itachi who looked around in a drunken stupor._

"_Man that was some party." He slurred, his head wobbling around as he tried to focus on the one who had woken him._

"_Oh *hic* hey there, little brother."_

"_Itachi, how could you?" Sasuke sobbed._

"_Wha-" His brother began. The older Uchiha turned his head to the side, coming face to face with his 'sleeping' father. "Hey *hic*, dad, that was some party huh?" He said, poking his old man in the head. His father's head just lolled to the side in a dead manner. "Well that's not good." He said._

"_I'm getting ANBU!" Sasuke yelled before running out the door._

"_Wait, Sasuke! Its not what it looks like!" But it was to late, the boy was already out of hearing range. Itachi turned and glared at his dead father. "I blame you for this."_

**(And that's what **_**really**_** happened to the Uchiha clan. Anyway, on with the story!)**

"Actually, I have a favor to ask of you." RT said. She had to word this carefully…

"Sure, I'm all ears." He said, leaning his broom against the outside wall of the shop and dusting his hands off on his apron.

"Will you be the father to my children?" She asked in complete seriousness.

"Wow there, RT, I don't think we are at that stage in our relationship." He said placing his hands up and taking a step away. She rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Not that, you idiot!" She yelled in exasperation, drawing the attention of people walking by. One glare sent the observers packing, they didn't want to mess with that can of apples. "I adopted two kids yesterday to do something useful and I don't want them to go through life without the value of a father figure." She pleaded.

"I don't know, RT. I don't think I'm cut out for it. I already had Sasuke's custody taken away because I was apparently 'unfit to raise a child'. Like Orochimaru is fit to raise a kid! They take my little brother away from me but that pedophile's aloud to adopt him?" He ranted, going off topic to something that greatly disturbed the Jonin.

"ANYWAY…" She interrupted loudly, halting Itachi's rant before it got anymore disturbing. "Will you please at least meet the kids? They'd love to meet someone new and I guarantee that once you meet them you will never want to leave them." She said using puppy dog eyes. He looked unconvinced, reaching ever so slowly for his broom again. "If you just meet the kids I'll do your community service for a month!" She threw in out of desperation. Itachi was the only man she could really trust for a job this important, she needed him to agree, whatever the cost.

"Fine, I'll do it!" He said after a while, staring at his red painted nails (He painted them as a form of self punishment for the 'incident'. Odd as it is for a man to paint his nails willingly without being a homosexual… And Itachi is most definitely not a homosexual.)

"Thank you so much, Itachi! I owe you one!" She hugged him in joy, nearly suffocating the poor man. "Stay here and I'll go get the kids!" She said in excitement, taking off before skidding to an abrupt halt. "Don't forget to take off the apron!" She shouted back before running excitedly to get her kids. Itachi sighed. What had he just gotten himself into?

**Zyra's hunt!**

Zyra knew exactly who she was going to ask or force into fatherhood. A strong ninja who she had been acquainted with for sometime. A man she could trust with helping to raise her two boys… even if he was slightly perverted. The problem was, she could never find him when she wanted to. But she knew someone who could… Even if it would be a noble self sacrifice to ask for their help…

Halting her movement on the rooftops, she leapt to the ground, landing in the street with grace and moving to lean against the wall. It wouldn't be long, she would give it five minutes. Fortunately (or unfortunately) for her, it took less time then that before _he_ showed up.

"Hey there, Zyra. You're looking as youthful as ever." Zyra resisted the urge to face palm as none other than Might Gai approached her with his signature grin. The woman pulled a brave face and sent a forced smile back at Gai.

"Gai, what a surprise." She said in a forced friendly tone. In all actuality it was no surprise at all, she couldn't stand still for five minutes before the spandex loving Jonin showed up with one of his attempts at winning her over. Usually it would be nice to have someone vie for your affections on a daily basis, but Gai took it to a whole new level. And it had been an on going cycle for years, much to Zyra's despair.

"So what are you doing on this fine day?" He asked, stepping closer in a way she assumed he thought was smooth. She took a step back in counter.

"Actually, I need your help with something." She began.

"Anything you need, I'll do it! And if I can't, I'll run ten laps around the village." He flashed a thumbs up. Zyra's eye twitched minutely and she could feel a single sweat drop make its way down the back of her head.

"I need you to help me find Kakashi." Gai's enthusiasm dissipated and he seemed to deflate but he soon reanimated himself and continued with new bravado.

"I said I would help you and so I shall! Follow me, I know where to find Kakashi!" He said proudly.

"Thanks, Gai. Lets go!" They both took off, about to give Kakashi a morning he would never forget, and Zyra was about to give him an offer he quite literally could never refuse.

**Itachi meets the kiddies!**

Itachi waited sullenly for RT to return with her adopted children. He sighed. Why had he even agreed to this? He was just going to end up turning them down and disappointing RT, and god knows how those kids would react. The eldest remaining Uchiha concluded that this was a terrible idea. _I won't let children be raised by a criminal! Accidental though it may be. _He was about to just leave and avoid the mess that was no doubt about to come when he heard RT hail him.

"Itachi!" She shouted, a happy smile on her face. Two children were holding either hand. She stopped when she was a few feet from him, revealing the two kids to be a boy and girl. "Kids, this is Itachi." The slightly chubby boy waved happily while the girl hid behind RT's legs and smiled shyly.

"Hi, I'm Choji." The boy said through a mouthful of potato chips.

"Nice to meet you, Choji." Itachi replied kindly. _These kids aren't that bad at all. They're actually kinda cute… No, Itachi! Staty strong! You shall remain a childless bachelor for_-

"I-I'm Hinata, its good to m-meet you, sir." Itachi's resolve crumbled and his heart melted. _Damn my soft spot for cute things! _He mentally raved. Man he was such a sucker…

"Now what are you calling me sir for? Just plain old Dad will work fine. I am your father after all." He said with a smile, ruffling Choji's hair and then patting Hinata affectionately on the head. The kids faces lit up with joy, Choji immediately hugging his new father and Hinata tentatively grasping his hand. RT smirked triumphantly. She knew Itachi didn't stand a chance against the adorable cuteness of her kiddies, especially not shy little Hinata, the girl was irresistibly cute. The ex-ANBU smiled in contentment, her family was now complete and her kids would have the healthy stability that came with both parents. This would turn into something beautiful, she could feel it.

**Kakashi gets sucked into the madness!**

Kakashi was enjoying a nice morning walk around the village, just minding his own business and enjoying life when his peace was shattered.

"Kakashi!" Gai exclaimed, pointing at him dramatically and halting the silver haired man's calming stroll. "I knew I could find you!" Kakashi sighed heavily.

"Sorry, did you say something?" He responded, that response usually threw Gai off for a bit, just long enough for him to…

"Thanks, Gai. Hey, Kakashi. Can I talk to you for a minute?" That voice… Kakashi knew that voice all to well. _What could she possibly want to talk to me about? Well as long as I don't piss her off I should be fine, we are friends after all… _But even after his self reassurance, he couldn't help but worry slightly about what was to come.

"Of course, Zyra. Anything for you." Gai said with a grin before turning to Kakashi. "We will finish our competition later." The Taijutsu specialist took a few steps away, but Zyra was sure he was still listening in.

"Sooo…" Kakashi began in his usual, unenthusiastic way. "What can I do for you?"

"I need you to help me raise my adopted kids. You know, be their father and stuff." Kakashi looked at Zyra with a wide-eyed disbelieving stare.

"You're kidding me right?"

"Do you think I would joke about something like this." Zyra replied, her expression completely serious.

"Why me?" Why couldn't you ask Asuma… or Hayate… or… or Gai!" Zyra gave him a 'really?' look.

"Do you even here yourself right now?" She asked him in a tone that matched her look. "I don't want my kids picking up bad habits! Asuma's a chain smoker! Ain't no way in hell that I'm letting those cancer sticks near my children! I'm pretty sure Hayate has second hand smoke because of him! And Hayate never sleeps. I already got an insomniac kid, I don't need him to be encouraged more! And Gai? Seriously why would you think for a second that I would let that man be the father of my children? …I thought you knew me." Kakashi's uncovered eye twitched when Zyra finished her rant.

"Look, there are plenty of guys who would love to help you out, but I can't." He explained in the nicest way he could. _That should do the trick- _He started to think before he caught the malicious glint in Zyra's eye.

"No's not an answer." She said dangerously pulling her hand out from behind her back, revealing Kakashi's beloved _Make Out Paradise. _Her other hand slid under it with a lit match. The man's eyes widened in fear.

"You wouldn't…"

"Oh I would! If you want your nasty novel back you'll father my children and you'll like it!" She threatened. The Copy Ninja was about to panic when he remembered something very important… He had a second copy of that book at his apartment. His prized autographed copy that resided in a shrine in his closet. Kakashi visibly relaxed.

"Don't think I forgot your spare." Zyra said, sliding the second copy out from behind the first like one does while playing cards like a boss. "And if that doesn't work, I could always resort to… my failsafe plan." The man's eyes widened yet again. _Not the failsafe! Anything but the failsafe! _He pleaded internally. Last time Zyra had used her failsafe, things went to hell in a hand basket. Everyone on her ANBU squad had been injured and part of the forest had been destroyed on that mission. It was part of the reason Zyra and RT had been demoted, and Zyra's failsafe had been labeled as a forbidden Jutsu. If she resorted to that, the chances of him coming out alive would be slim.

"Fine… I'll do it." The handsome Jonin submitted.

"Gooooood." The woman replied with a calm yet still semi crazy smile, returning the books to their owner. "Now you're going to meet the kids tonight so go pack your things. Starting tonight you live in my apartment. And don't forget to act as nice and sincere as possible to my kiddies or the failsafe WILL be activated, Got it?" The underlying psychotic intent was there. Kakashi nodded and smiled even though she couldn't really see it.

"Yep, got it!" He said in nervously feigned joy.

"Good, see you tonight." She said with a happy grin before poofing away. Kakashi let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding as a single drop of sweat made its way down the side of his head.

"Phew, that was close, I should be safe now. But what did I just get sucked into?" He let out another sigh before turning to head home. "Well I guess I should back up my stuff. Why me?" Gai appeared next to him.

"You may have won the battle, Kakashi, but I shall win the war. I will win Zyra from you some day!" Kakashi could practically see the fire in Gai's eyes before the other Jonin ran off, yelling about winning the youthful Zyra's affection. Kakashi slumped. His life just became a living nightmare.

**XXX**

Naruto and Gaara were sitting in the living room of the apartment with eagerness, the prospect of seeing their new father keeping them on their best behavior. Well… Naruto's best behavior, Gaara was always calm. The blonde was just about to explode out of lack of patience when the front door opened, revealing the boys' adoptive mother.

"Mom, your finally back! Where's Dad?" Naruto asked quickly, jumping up from the couch in excitement.

"He's right here." Zyra stepped further into the room, standing behind her to sons as Kakashi entered the apartment.

"Our Dad's a Jonin too? This is awesome!" The whiskered boy cheered, flinging himself at his new father for a hug. The man was surprised at first. He hadn't expected Naruto Uzumaki to be one of Zyra's adopted sons, but when he thought about it, he realized that she would do something like that. The other boy that Zyra had told him was named Gaara, approached him timidly but even Kakashi had to admit that he was adorable.

"Our family is now complete!" Zyra said happily, her mission was accomplished.

* * *

><p><strong>Now the adventures really begins!<strong>

**Ah, poor Kakashi and Itachi…**

**Yep when me and my cousin had our Narutarted conversation about adopting children I brought father figures into the mix! And since I am (though I hate to admit it) a total Kakashi fan girl and my cousin loves Itachi, they became the forced father figures of our little Naruto kiddies. (Though seriously, we know they're anime characters and all, but damn! They're attractive!)**

**To make it clear the ages in this fic are 26 for the parents (minus Orochimaru who's still and old pedo, and Haku who is around 23). The older kids like Neji and Tenten are 7, the middle ones like Naruto and the others are 6, and Gaara is 5.**

**Hope you all liked it : D!**

**Oh before I go! Please tell me we're not the only ones who find little Hinata and Gaara absolutely adorable!**


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Naruto, Family, Humor