Invader Zim 1. Chapter 1

Survivor of Summer Camp

The human skool was so often so boring for Zim that there were days he had thought he was about to go out of his Irken mind. The same thing, day after day. The monotone droning of the teachers, the inedibility of the cafeteria food, the constant teasing from the disgusting human children, there were times when Zim had to exert extreme self control to not pull out his blasters and destroy everything.

But that was the task of the Irken Armada. Invaders were supposed to just provide information as to the weaknesses of the planet populace to be exploited in their destruction. They then simply stood by and watched in satisfaction as the planet was reduced to whatever useful purpose the Tallest decided on.

Zim reminded himself of this fact day after day until it almost became a mantra. Perhaps he would request a few humans to destroy personally so he could regain some of his pride back. The kid who knocked his head into the mashed potatoes in the lunchroom, perhaps? Or the one who tripped him when he was loaded down with books. And of course, all those who targeted him with those blasted dodge balls!

Dodge ball. Hmmm, perhaps he could put the chosen humans in an arena and set up a 'dodge ball' game of his own. Not the stupid school balls, of course, but something along the lines of the goo beasts of Garguania that spat out steaming tar balls. Let them try to dodge those!

Today there seemed to be a hidden air of excitement. Even kids who were normally quiet and sat still seemed to be unable to. They squirmed and giggled with the rest of the annoying human worm babies until Ms Bitters stood up and glared at the whole room.

"If you kids don't settle down, I shall have to release 'The Beast!'" she growled. Everyone fell silent at that, as all eyes slipped down to the room to the strong wooden crate in the corner, securely locked with heavy chains. Still it shuddered and creaked as whatever was contained inside strained to get free. Zim had never seen exactly what was inside but he had long decided he really didn't have any interest to.

Even that threat didn't keep the quiet for very long, it resumed as soon as Ms. Bitters left the room for a moment or two. As Zim could see no real reason for such silly anticipation he whispered to the child behind him.

"What's going on? Why is everybody so...I don't know…more stupid and annoying than usual?"

"You're kidding, right?" the girl sneered. "C'mon! It's just three days to go!"

"Three…days? Then what?"

"You know! Three days left till school's out for the summer!"

"Oh. Oh yes! Of course! And then what?"

"It's summer vacation, you freak! No school, no books, no lessons, no homework!"

"Oh." The Irken turned back but he still wasn't any closer to an answer. The concept of vacation was foreign to Zim, as all smeets attended the Irken schools and academies every day until they found what roles they were suited for and then their Paks were programmed to whatever jobs they were assigned to do. After a bit more training they immediately went straight to those jobs. Another question came to mind and he once more twisted back. "What does one do then, on this summer…ah…vacation?"

"Nothing! You just have fun! I'm going swimming every day!"

"I'm going to my grandma's for two weeks! She has a horse ranch!" one girl bragged.

"My dad's taking me and my brother to the beach!"

"I'm going to take swimming lessons!"

"I'm going away to summer camp!"

"Ohmygawd me too! I LOVE summer camp!"

"Oh me too! I love the crafts!"

"I loved learning to paddle a canoe!"

"I learned to paint last year!"

"Did you guys put on a play like we did, about the Indians?"

All this chatter was giving Zim a headache and he almost welcomed Ms Bitter's return but it did give him something to ponder. Summer camp. Apparently most of the kids went to one so it seemed reasonable it was something he had to learn about.

When the skool bell rang and the kids raced out with their noisy yells and shoving (he almost ended up falling sideways into the trash can when one rough kid pushed him with a 'Move it, Freak!" ) he walked along slowly and pondered just what it meant to be on 'summer vacation'. No skool? Kids just ran around doing nothing? Such a waste of time and energy resources! If Irken smeets were allowed to do as they pleased who knows what would happen? Why, they would never learn just what they were suited for and their Paks would be un-programmed for who knows how long?

It just didn't make any sense to him.

It didn't help when Dib walked up to and with him for a while. "Summer vacation! I can't wait! Then I'll be able to spend ALL my time watching you, Zim! Watching every single move you make and foiling every single plot you come up with!"

Zim uttered a low 'Ergh!' of disgust. That was the LAST thing he needed! "Aren't you going to this beach, or Grandma's house or summer camp…thing?"

"Naw, Dad doesn't think stuff like that would be good for me and Gaz. 'We don't have a grandma, Dad hates the beach and he's not that keen on camp either. 'You see enough of those kids at skool nine months of the year! Why go to a camp where you'll see them again!'" Here Dib's voice went deeper as he tried to imitate his dad. "So they generally leave and we stay. So I'll be watching you, Zim! Every minute of every day! Remember that!" He gave a short gloating laugh as he veered off to the direction of his own house.

Zim twisted his mouth and set his teeth in frustration. If skool was closed then of course Dib would have plenty of time to spy on him and his activities! Perhaps he should then, go away to this summer camp, whatever it is.

When Zim entered his house he waved aside the recorded greetings of the robot 'parents' and hollered, as usual, for his robot. "Gir!"

"Hey!" came the reply from inside a rather large sodden mess of a huge cake in the middle of the living room. "I baked a cake! With me inside!"

"Why would you do that, Gir?"

"So I can give you a surprise when you came home! Like this! 'SURPRISE!"" the robot squealed as he leapt out of the cake, scattering crumbs and cake bits everywhere. "Oh wait, you know now. Now it won't be a surprise." Gir sniffled. "It's ruined!"

"No Gir, I was surprised. Really." Zim's statement cheered Gir up immediately and he grabbed a chunk of the cake. He thrust it into Zim's face.

"HAVE SOME CAKE!" he hollered in his high tinny voice. "Pig did!"

"Ah…not right now, Gir." Zim dodged the offering and went into the kitchen, removing his human disguise. "Computor!"

"Yes?

"I need all the information you have on 'summer vacation' and 'summer camp'!"

In a few moments the answers came. "Apparently human skools close for at least three months of each year. This gives the human kids' parents time to drag them to visit old relatives, to earn money by mowing lawns and to support the local amusement parks. It is also the time when skools repair the damage done in the past year and teachers plot new ways to torment the students."

"Hmm, well that does seem to serve some purpose then. What about this 'summer camp' thing?"

The computer hummed a bit then came back with a report.

"It appears that some humans fear their civilization may be destroyed and their technology lost, so a select few human children are sent to certain areas each year to learn lessons in primitive survival tactics."

"What sort of survival tactics?" Zim was curious.

The computer answered by activating a viewing screen on the wall. The large picture showed kids at a table with bits of leather and long plastic twine. "They are taught how to make protective clothing such as shoes out of prepared animal hide."

The picture was changed for one of kids making a teepee. "They learn how to make primitive shelters."

Another change, this showed kids fishing. "They are then instructed on how to get food off the land." (That picture caused Gir to squeal "I wanna catch fish!")

The picture changed again, this one of kids in a canoe and rowboat. "They also learn to navigate water ways in case the bridges are destroyed in an attack."

The last picture was a group of kids sitting around a campfire with two camp counselors. "At night they are briefed on what they had learned and given the next day's assignments."

"Hmmmm, and only a select few are sent to these…summer camps? How do they choose which ones?"

"An information pamphlet and form is given to the ones deemed worthy and they are enrolled by their parents." came the answer.

"So," Zim mused. "If a select number of humans learn how to exist out of the cities like this, that could mean pockets of resistance here and there, which could cause future problems for the armada. No! I must learn more about these camps! Computor! How can I procure one of these pamplets?"

"Uhhh..the summer camp?"

Zim looked disgusted. "You mean I have to go to this summer camp to get this pamphlet and form which would allow me to go to summer camp?" he valuated.

The computer, not having any real answer, fell silent. Zim snorted in frustration. "No! I must know more! It is essential to my mission! I must.." Here he made a fist and glowered over it. "I must infiltrate a summer camp!"

Gir spoiled the dramatic gesture. "Hooray! We're gonna go campin'! I bring the marshmallows and campfire!"

Zim paid no heed to his robot's delight and went straight down to his hidden base. There, he activated a large view screen. After a bit of fuzziness it cleared to show the Purple Tallest with his back to the screen. Zim called out hesitantly.

"My Tallest?"

Purple started. "Yeow! Oh! What? What the dreenogs are you doing, Zim? You almost scared me there!" Purple took a few deep breaths. "Almost, mind you."

"My apologies, my Tallest, I just wanted to inform you of.."

"You spilled the chips again, I see." Red observed as he entered the control room. He had a large bowl in one hand and was balancing a few cans in the other.

"It wasn't my fault! Zim snuck up on me all sneaky like!" Purple complained.

"Again, my apologies, my Tallest, I just wanted to report that…"

"No, don't just scoop them up and put them back in the bag! I hate lint and floor fuzz in my chips, you know that!"

"Quit complaining, they've vacu-scrubbed and sealed this floor just this morning!"

"Yeah but it still might have, y'know, dust and stuff on it!"

"Um…my Tallest?"

"What, Zim?" Red said shortly.

"I..um…may have uncovered a slight problem in our conquest of Earth. It seems they train a certain number of special children in survival tactics during a phrase they call 'summer vacation'. It could lead to resistance."

"Survival tactics? They can't be that smart! Um..can they?" Purple looked doubtful, which is a difficult state to show with a mouthful of chips.

"I'm not sure, my Tallest, so what I am going to do is enter one of these camps myself, to see how effective this training is."

"Ah..yeah! Yeah, you do that, Zim! Quick thinking!" Red was eager to say anything to get this Irken off the screen as soon as possible. "Give us updates…y'know…. whenever."

"I will, my Tallest, you can be sure of that!" Zim gave a quick salute as the screen went blank.

"That's what we're afraid of," Red murmured.


	2. Chapter 2

Zim walked to skool the next day, wondering how he was going to get accepted into the summer camp. If the forms were sent to the parents it was a pretty sure bet his wouldn't be chosen. He did look through the junk mail that was constantly shoved into the mailbox every day, the ones Gir didn't eat, shred or burn, or course. Nothing looked like a form aside from the credit card offers.

He decided to ask one of the kids in his class, with the usual exception of Dib. As soon as he had gotten into the classroom and was at his desk, he turned to the girl behind him.

"Say, how do you get one of those forms to go to summer camp for the worm babies?" he asked.

"Eh," the girl shrugged. "There's a bunch of them by the skool office. Take your pick."

Zim couldn't believe it was that easy. "You just pick one up?"

"Sure. What, you think that you have to go through a test to go to camp?" That struck the girl as funny and she giggled.

"Well, yes. Doesn't only a certain group get to be picked to go?"

"Only the ones who can get their parents to pay for it all." The girl fell quiet now that Ms Bitters had entered the room.

"Now class, just because you only have two more days here doesn't mean you can go off acting like the zoo animals you have the brain power of. I could keep some of you back for summer skool!" She glared at all of the class, who suddenly decided to sit up straight and behave. "Of course that would mean taking extra time for me to put up with you which would not put me in a good mood so DON'T DO IT!" Her voice and form suddenly filled the entire room with darkness and her eyes glowed. Then with a slight hiss everything went back to normal. "We will spend today in mending the books and other school items you have managed to mangle this past year."

Which was easier said than done. For some reason skool paste wouldn't simply stay in the containers or the dispensers or even on the areas that were meant to be pasted. It did however, stick on fingers, clothing and in the case of one very unfortunate boy, the eyelids. Zim didn't mind the paste, the more it absorbed into his clothing and skin, the more water-repellant he became. He did mind the book that somehow had gotten pasted between his shoulders though.

At the lunch recess he wandered to the office. Sure enough there was a table sitting out in the hallway with a cardboard display. He studied the photos on it, those of happy playing kids in the outdoors, then looked through the assorted brochures. Since they all looked alike he just grabbed a handful to study later.

"Don't tell me YOU'RE thinking of going to a summer camp!" came a voice right behind him. Startled, Zim suppressed a yelp and dropped the pamplets. They fell scattered back on the table and a few slipped to the floor. It was, of course, Dib. "Somehow I can't picture you sitting around a fire with other kids!"

"For your information, Dib-dirt monkey, I have sat around a LOT of fires!" Zim sniffed as he picked up the fallen papers. He didn't mention it was fires he himself had set, on buildings on Irk. "Sitting by fires is very…warming."

"But swimming? Canoeing? All those water sports, y'know. Then there's the creepy crawlies out in the woods, bears, snakes and scorpions. If you get past those you'll also have to be careful of the poison ivy. Then there's Bigfoot!" Dib was laying it on thick but instead of changing Zim's mind it was only making his resolve stronger. If human kids could go through such punishment and survive, surely he could?

"Whatever they can dish out, the Mighty Zim can take!"

"Ok, so, which camp are you going to?"

"Why would Zim tell you, Dib dirt puppet? In fact Zim is not going to any camp, Zim just needs more paper to scribble on. That's all. Since this stuff is free and just lying around, why shouldn't Zim use this?" The Irken tried to appear disdainful and shoved all the recovered pamphlets back, all but one. Dib narrowed his eyes as he saw which one it was.

"Oh really? Y'know, actually that's a good idea. I don't have much paper left so I'll just take one too, to scribble on." Quickly Dib plucked a form from the now untidy stack. As Zim marched off he took a quick peek inside.

"Hmmm, Camp Wannapiddle. Maybe I should go to camp, just once. I think I could convince Dad it would be an educational experience." He looked in Zim's direction and grinned. "I told you I was going to spend all summer watching you, Zim." he muttered to himself. "No matter where you go!"

As soon as he was in the skool yard and alone, Zim opened the camp pamphlet. It listed all the activities one could expect in a camp, plus the accommodations such a tent or cabin, and how it would aid a child in growing up better able to deal with the real world and become more well-rounded. That last bit was confusing.

"Well-rounded? Does that mean I will get fat?" he mused as his eyes scanned the playground. There certainly seemed to be several 'well-rounded' children about. Was that the result of summer camp? He remembered other Irkens being wide but not many actually being fat. "No! Zim will defeat their attempts to make Zim fat. In fact Zim will laugh at any of their puny workings in this summer camp! Hmph!"

The form to go to this camp was on the back of the pages. It required a parent signature, no problem there, a certain amount of monies, Zim could get his computer to print what he needed, and a….birth certificate?

That also had Zim confused. A certificate was something one received in recognition of a job well done. Earth people got one just for being born? There was one other person he could ask. She was down on the last bench as always. Hopefully she wasn't too far into her game to listen to him.

"Gaz-sibling-thing," he began but she immediately held her hand up to stop him.

"Whatever you're asking, the answer is either 'No' or 'Forget it!'" she stated flatly.

"Zim only wanted to ask one question."

"One? You sure?" Her eyes narrowed even further than they usually did. Zim nodded. "Hmm, ok. Since I know you won't leave unless I answer you or throw you across this field, what is it?"

"This…'birth certificate' thing, what is it?"

Gaz looked up at him. "Let me guess, you don't have one?" At his shake of his head she shrugged. "It's a piece of paper the hospitals give out that proves you were born and who you are."

"Proof you were born? Your being alive and here isn't proof enough?" Sometimes Earth customs were just too far out to believe!

"It's just proof of who you are." Gaz went back to her game. As far as she was concerned she had done her one good deed for the day.

Zim thought a moment then was about to ask something else when she held up her hand. "You said one question, Zim! ONE!" I answered it so go away or I'll rip your tongue out to strangle you with!"

Wisely Zim did as he was told. There were some Earth creatures one just didn't mess with!

But since this summer camp required a birth certificate, how was he going to get accepted? He could make a counterfeit one, of course, but he first needed to see what a real one looked like. His thoughts whirled about until the bell rang and the kids once more herded themselves back in that dreary building.

"Now I shall give you your reading list for the summer," Ms Bitters started writing book titles on the board. "Try to read at least four on this list, if you can manage to talk your parents into giving you the privilege of a library card. You do remember what a library is, right? Or do you even remember how to read? This is to prevent you from having too much fun in summer, as you well know."

Dib was writing down the list on his paper but in between the book titles he was adding ideas of how to torment Zim in the summer camp. Push Zim in the pool. Drill a hole in Zim's canoe. Put ants in Zim's bed. He thought about catching a small snake but discarded that idea. He wasn't too fond of snakes himself and since Zim reminded him of the slinky reptiles, who knows? He might like it! A kindred spirit, so to speak. Oh, he'd better write a reminder to himself to pack all his recording devices along with extra batteries as well.

Zim was also working on the book list but he was concentrating more on his own list for the summer camp issue. From the looks of the photos his usual Irken uniform would stand out but he hated the feel of human clothes. Still, if he wanted to merge into this community he would have to get t-shirts and shorts, along with the ever-present sneakers. He cringed inwardly but an Invader had to do whatever it takes to complete his mission.

But…sneakers?

Gir, he would have to find a way to sneak Gir in as there could be times he would need the robot to run errands. He didn't see any sign of dogs or any domestic pets in any of the pictures so the new disguise would have to be that of a woodland creature. A bear? No, Gir was too small. A squirrel? Nope the robot was too big. Deer? Fox? Bat? Turtle?

He still had the problem with the birth certificate thing to work on too. Perhaps that could be left to his computer.

The bell rang for the kids to escape for the day and Zim walked home slowly. For once Dib didn't bother him (as he was busy pondering on how to convince his dad to allow him to go to Camp Wannapiddle.) He decided to start the computer working on the certificate problem as soon as he was safely inside the house.

It wasn't as safe as he thought it was, as the first thing that happened when he got inside was him tripping over Gir. The robot had been lying right in front of the door.

"GIR! What do you think you're doing!" Zim snapped as he regained his feet.

"I was practicing to be a doorstop!" the robot answered brightly."Or was I a rug? I forget now!"

Zim sighed, then called for his computer. "Computer! I need you to look up this 'birth certificate' thing humans have to have as proof of their existence!"

"Birth certificates, an official vital record that documents the birth of a child," the computer answered.

"Yes, I know what it IS, how do I get one?"

"There are several web sites that inform you how to obtain a copy of lost or missing…..."

"How can I get a COPY if I don't have one in the first place? Do you know the quickest and easiest way to obtain one?"

"Yes."

"Well? What is it?"

"Get born in a human hospital." came the answer. Zim ground his teeth in frustration.

"Look, make me up a copy of a birth certificate for tomorrow! And quickly! Gir!"

"Hmm hmmm hmmm" Gir came hopping in, humming.

"Gir, you're coming with me on this summer camp thing, as I may need you at times. But you're going to need a new disguise."

"I wanna be a rug!" Gir squealed delightedly.

"No Gir, you're going to have to stay in the woods so nobody can see you. You'll have to blend in."

"Oooh then I can be an oak tree!"

"No, you'll have to be able to move about. Trees do not walk here on Earth. That means you'll have to have an animal disguise."

"But if I was an oak tree the squirrels would like me!"

Zim sighed. "No Gir. You have to be an animal of some sort! No oak tree!"

"Awwwww….ok! Then I wanna be a woodpecker!" Gir bounced over to the nearest wall and began banging his face against it. Zim winced at the loud metallic banging.

"You're not small enough to be a woodpecker!"

Gir looked over hopefully. "A mongoose then?"

"There aren't any mongooses around there."

"Awwwww, I wanna be a mongoose!" The robot slumped to the floor in disappointment.

"Computer, what sort of animal is around Gir's size and weight that would be found in the woods?"

"Fox, badger, skunk, porcupine, woodchuck also known as groundhog…"

"Woodchuck! That's it. Gir, you'll be a woodchuck!"

"Yippeee! A woodchuck! How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

"Uhhh…yeah. Whatever that means. So work on your disguise now."

Gir jumped up and marched off. "Sir yes sir! Whheeeeee! Woodchuck! Groundhog! Woodchuck! Groundhog! How much ground would a groundhog ground if a groundhog was ground round?" (This is a lil tribute to that wonderful old comic strip 'Pogo' by Walt Kelly!)

Zim removed his human disguise and sat on the couch to give the pamphlet a more thorough study. Everything looked so…cheery. It looked as if this place had never experienced bad weather, or temper tantrums, or any misfortune whatsoever. It seemed almost perfect. But then, if it –was- such a wonderful place why did they have it for only two weeks a year?

"Truly this base must have some sort of brain washing device, to make these children believe they are having fun while they are being trained for survival." he mused. "That could be turned to assist my takeover. Yes! I, Zim, must have this device!"

There was a slight 'Ding!' noise and the computer's dry voice announced 'Birth certificate is complete.'

"Good! Let me see it!" Zim flung the pamphlet to one side and snatched the paper as it was fed out of the slot next to the tv. "Hmmm…'This is to certify that the being named here, 'Zim' is a true human born on this planet Earth and is not in any way an alien of any sort.' Well, it seems clear enough. And this official embossed seal on it…wait a minute. This seal is from the city zoo!"

"It seemed more official-looking than the others," came the computer's reasoning.

"If these humans at this camp are the typical ones it should fool them. Oh, and I'll need you to print me some currency to pay for it. Gir! Have you got your disguise done yet?"

"Hogground! Chuckwood! Hogground! Chuckwood!" Gir came running in the room backwards, looking like a blue furry flame. He only stopped when Zim stuck his foot out to trip him up.

"Gir, groundhogs are brown, not blue!"

"Brown is so boring." Gir pointed out, looking up at his master.

"That's the only color they come in!"

"Can I be a yellow groundhog?"

"No."

"Orange?"

"No Gir. Brown. Just plain brown."

"Can I have the nose pink?"

Zim was about to object then gave in. "All right, as long as the rest of your disguise is brown you can have a pink nose."

That was all that was needed to cheer Gir up. "Yay! I'll be a brown groundhog with a cute little pink nose!"

"Whatever, Gir."

As Zim was getting his camping supplies ready Dib was having his own problems. He had tossed his bookbag on the couch and immediately grabbed up the phone. He dialed his father's number and impatiently waited for his image to appear on the screen.

"Yes?" his dad looked up. "Is this important, son? I'm very busy, you know! I'm trying to see if we could use the city's store of stale bread to patch the holes in the city streets!"

'You're always busy,' Dib thought but then said aloud. "Dad, I've been thinking about going to summer camp this year!"

"Summer camp? Why? Don't you see those other kids enough?"

"Yeah but well, this is different. This is camp! Y'know, canoeing, fishing, swimming, all that outdoorsy stuff. "

His dad paused, considering. "Outdoors. You're not going to drag your telescope with you and search for aliens, are you?"

"Oh no Dad. I am NOT going to look for any aliens there, at all! I'm leaving my telescope in the closet. I just want to learn how to do stuff like..oh…making wallets and moccasins, setting up a teepee and sing camp songs by the campfire. That's all."

"No aliens? Then it's Bigfoot then. How many times have I explained that it was only your Uncle Ned who was in the garage at that time? Yes he has a bit of a hair problem but that's only because of a bad experiment with hair replacements!"

"No Dad, I won't be looking for Bigfoot either. I just want to go to summer camp. That's all."

"Are you going to look for that Chickenfoot?"

"No, Dad."

"The swamp beast?"

Dib sighed. "No, no swamp beast."

"The mutant midget then! I knew it!"

Dib sighed. "Dad! I'm not going to take my telescope and I'm not going to look for any alien or beast thing! I just want to go to a summer camp for two weeks! Like the other kids!"

"Like the other kids? You mean, playing baseball, Frisbee, going to the ol' swimming hole? That sort of camp?"

"Yeah Dad. That's it exactly!"

"Outdoors? In no matter what weather?"

"Yes, outside outdoors."

"Well! I may have to consider this then! It could be good for you! Do you have one picked out?"

"Yeah," Dib brought out the pamphlet. "It's called 'Camp Wannapiddle'. It looks like…y'know..fun!"

"My insane son living out in the fresh air in the wilderness! Fishing! Perhaps even going on hikes! Yes, you certainly have my permission to go, son. Just leave the form on the kitchen table. Oh, and be sure all your shots are up to date. Wouldn't be good to be out there and suddenly come down with measles or rabies or something."

"Yay! Thanks Dad!" Dib clicked off the phone and read the pamphlet once more. "And I didn't even have to lie. I don't have to –hunt- any aliens, or look for them. I know right where he will be!"

A sly smile grew from ear to ear, causing Gaz to utter "Whatever you're planning, stop it. It makes you look creepier than usual."

"Maybe I was just thinking of taking your game with me to camp." Dib was in such a good mood he risked teasing his sister.

"Try it and you will die a horrible death, I promise you. Wait. You? At camp! Ha! You're only going to end up with either the world's worse case of poison ivy or get so lost out there it would take half the National Guard to find you. And then I would tell them not to bother," she added in an undertone.

"Oh I don't think so," her brother answered airily. "I just need to pack carefully and thoroughly for every conceivable emergency. I shall return from those two weeks victorious! And tanned and healthy too!"

"Great," Gaz muttered as she watched her brother leave the living room for his bedroom. "Where does a girl gotta go to hire a grizzly?"


	3. Chapter 3

Zim looked over the pile of supplies he had gathered for his stay at Camp Wannapiddle and grimaced. T-shirts, shorts, socks, swimming trunks and yes, the dreaded sneakers! At least they were black but he still didn't like the way they made his feet feel. And the laces! He was practically up all night trying to learn how to tie the darn things without getting his fingers caught up in the knots. Several times he had to call out for Gir to come and free him from the entanglement.

Gir took to the tying very easily. At least he didn't mind explaining the steps over and over again. Zim started repeating them himself each time he attempted the task, muttering low with his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth as he concentrated.

"Knot…loop…around…and through….. and…Argh! Gir! Help undo this knot again! Stupid humans and their stupid sneakers! I should have bought the Velcro instead!"

He did like the back pack though. Sturdy, black with the reddish piping throughout, it was almost stylish enough to be worthy of the honor of being carried by an Irken invader but he wished it had a bit more room for weapons. As it were, his Pak had to be refitted to carry his extra implements.

The t-shirts weren't too bad, they were soft and came in a variety of colors and prints. Gir kept telling him the fuchsia ones looked best as they matched his eyes (his natural ones hidden under the lens) but he only bought the colors he saw on the boys on the playground, the blues and blacks along with gray and plain white. He felt the shorts looked rather ridiculous or was it just because his legs were a bit on the thin side? Irkens didn't use their muscles very much when it was so much easier to activate one's robot legs from one's Pak and so thin legs were pretty much the rule. He wondered if two weeks of simply walking on his one two feet would change that. He also had to buy a belt as the waistlines were just a hair too wide for him.

Of all this equipment the one thing that irritated him the most besides the sneakers was the cap. It seemed every boy in the summer camp had one so he picked one up just in case. It was bad enough to mash his sensitive antennae down with the wig but to add a cap to it as well? He was almost deaf when he wore it! Everything was muffled, like his head was wrapped in a thick layer of cotton. He hoped it wouldn't cause anything to sneak up on him.

He had come out of the dressing room complete in the camp ensemble and studied his reflection in the mirror. He had looked ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous! If the Tallest could have seen him then he would've be tempted to trigger his self-destruct mechanism, he would be that mortified! Then the next dressing room opened and a young boy came out with almost the same set. He also studied his reflection and then broke into a wide grin. His mother was also pleased.

"See? It doesn't look so bad after all, does it? "

"Cool!" was the child's response.

When they walked away Zim looked at himself again. 'Cool'? This? He turned to Gir in his dog suit who had been sitting by the three mirrors trying to look behind his own reflections. "Gir? What d'you think about…"

That was as far as he got before Gir had dissolved in a giggling fit.

Zim sighed. "Never mind."

So now he had this pack of clothes along with underwear Gir told him was also essential. Clothes one wore under clothes? As usual humans lacked in any logical sense whatsoever.

He almost had everything on the list in the pamphlet now. Clothes, cap, swim trunks, check. Sunscreen? Zim frowned. He knew the earth sun was quite hot but a screen for it? He would have to make a trip to the drug store to ask about that. Insect repellant he knew he would need. Bees and the Irken did not get along very well. It also suggested he pack whatever medication he required. Zim snorted. He was, as any other Irken, perfect in health! Sunglasses, yes he had those but the trick was going to get Gir to part with them. The little robot had been wearing them ever since they got back into the house even if they did make him walk into the walls more than usual. Perhaps he should have bought two pairs.

Well, time for that later. Right now it was off for the last day of skool.

Dib was also working on his list of supplies in his bedroom. He had the clothing all folded up neatly on the table but his bed was covered with cameras, wires, controls and battery packs. "Hmmm, just how many shorts would I need anyway? I think they would have some sort of laundry services there so I could make do with just a couple. The fewer clothes I pack the more equipment I can take with me."

"Hey Camp Dimwit!" his sister yelled. "Time for skool! You can play with your camping gear later!"

"Ooooh I just know I'm going to forget something I'll need later!" Dib grumbled as he grabbed his back pack. "I just KNOW it!"

"Make a list." Gaz suggested as they left the house.

"I did but what if I forget to write down exactly what I need later? I got my cameras, batteries, binoculars, extra film…."

"Wooden mallet, stake, torches, pitchforks," Gaz put in.

"What the heck is that? He's an –alien-, Gaz. Not a vampire!"

Gaz shrugged. "That'll just come in handy when you try to rouse the villagers."

Since it was the last day of skool it was spent in cleaning up, returning books and getting signed up for the summer camps. Dib was about to walk into the gym where the tables and counselors were set up for registrations when he spied Zim coming down the hall. It wouldn't do for him to suspect his enemy following him, not at this point! Dib held back and waited for his chance to hand in his form.

Zim marched up to the table proclaiming Camp Wannapiddle and held out his form with a flourish. "Here, camp person! I am going to attend this establishment for two weeks. I have my papers; the form, your monies and my birth certificate. All is in order."

The woman forced a smile, unsure how to respond to his grandeur entrance. "Well! That's…ah…great! Let's see here now. Uh hmmm, so your name is…Zim. Just Zim?"

"Yes. It is sufficient, is it not?"

"Well, we usually require a last name as well."

"Why? It is enough to have the name of Zim!"

"Uh…..yes, let's just see what it says on your birth certificate….um." The woman studied the paper for a moment, then motioned to the man standing nearby. "Is this….legal?" she whispered. The man read the 'certificate' and frowned.

"And just what is the matter? I have filled out your stupid form, bought your stupid supplies and have your stupid monies! What else is there to do?" Zim demanded.

"I'm sorry we're causing you any problems…Zim…but it seems we can't just accept anyone without proper identification…" the man began.

"PROPER IDENTIFICATION!" Zim shouted. "Have you the brain worms! It says right there who I am! It is OFFICIAL!"

"May I ask where you got this…" the man tried again.

"NO! It is ENOUGH that you are allowed to TOUCH it!" Zim snatched the paper back. "It has the SEAL! And I have your FEE!" Here he tossed a stack of bills on the table. "Is that not requirement ENOUGH?"

The male counselor looked at the number of bills and hurriedly whispered to the woman. "Y'know, I think this qualifies him more than a silly fake certificate!"

The woman nodded. "I have to agree." They eagerly retrieved the bills and stuffed them in a metal cash box. "Fine, Zim. Just sign your name and we'll be done!"

"Finally," Zim sniffed as he scribbled as best he could. "It is enough that your camp training facility will be graced with the presence of the Mighty Zim!"

"Ah…thank you! Just be here on Tuesday morning with your pack and we'll have a bus ready to take you to wonderful Camp Wannapiddle for two weeks of total fun in the sun!" the woman gushed.

Zim simply twisted his mouth and marched off.

"Sheesh, how loud and lordly can ya get?" Dib said to himself as he made his way to the table. "Hi! Um..I think I've got everything here. This is my first time at camp."

"I'm glad you can join us…Dib!" the woman smiled as she looked over his application, seemingly relieved that things had gotten back to the dull and normal. "I'm sure you're going to find it a wonderful experience. Sign here and be here in front of the skool Tuesday morning with your equipment and we'll have a bus there ready to take you to wonderful Camp Wannapiddle for two weeks of total fun in the sun!"

"Yeah, thanks!" Dib walked off, praying that in the future he wouldn't get stuck in a job where he'd have to repeat meaningless drivel 8 hours a day.

It was just a half day at the skool so when the bell rung at noon there was a joyous stampede of cheering screaming kids out the doors. Zim had to press himself against the side of the hallway to prevent getting knocked down and trampled in the rush.

Before he went back to his house he stopped at the local drug store to pick up the repellant and sunscreen. Still unsure as to what the screen stuff was, he wandered through first the household products then paused by the row of automotive supplies. (Why do they have auto stuff in drugstores anyhoo?) He picked up a folded shade designed to stick in the windshield, wondering if this was the sunscreen he needed. It did seem to provide shade but there wasn't too much of a screen to it. He gave a small sound of disgust and tossed it aside.

"Hey, saleshuman!" he snapped at one of the store workers. "Zim needs a sunscreen for camp! Where in this disorganized mess of all these icky human products are they located?"

The salesgirl looked a bit taken aback. "Um..sunscreen? They're on a display up front."

"You LIE! I was just up there and saw no screens!"

"I'll show you." She stood up from where she had been kneeling re-pricing items and led him back to the front of the store. Sure enough, there was a huge cardboard sign boasting of every sunscreen ever made. "Now, what strength are you needing? 15 SPF? 20? 30?"

"Hmph, Zim can take whatever this filthy planet with its filthy sun can dish out. I'll take the strongest you have!"

"That would be the…..90." She handed him a tube colored with a cheerful yellow sun wearing sunglasses lording it over a sad and apparently sun-burned moon. "This will give you protection for 900 minutes. So, you burn easily?"

Zim puzzled over that question. One tends to burn easily if grasping a hot pan off the stove, or was set on fire. Would this stuff help protect against that? He would have to run some tests on this once he returned from his camp adventure as such information would be useful in the future. In the meantime it wouldn't do to show any weakness of any sort in front of a human! "Zim burn? Of course not! The superior skin of Zim can tolerate any flame!" He plucked the tube from her hands and stalked to the cashier desk.

The girl sighed. "Why do I always get the weird ones? Do I have a dork magnet on me somewhere?" As she turned away a small piece of paper fluttered on her back, held there by a pin. It read in small block letters 'I answer all dorky questions! Ask me!'

Zim quickly located the area where the insect repellant was, all he had to do was walk around until he saw a group of humans with bug bites standing in one area. He joined them and studied the long rows of various products that had to do with insects. "Hmmmm, mosquitoes, flies, midges,is there a bee repellant in here somewhere?"

"Bees? I never thought about that," said one thin guy. His skin had so many red bites he looked like a Mars landscape. "They have everything else though."

Zim eyed him. "Which of these products do you use?"

"This one!"

"Ah, ok. Thanks." Zim made it a point not to pick up the one pointed out. It seemed pretty clear it didn't work very well.

"This one protects against horseflies, houseflies and dog flies!" one woman exclaimed happily. "Plus it has a refreshing flowery scent!"

"Flowery scents attract the bees, man. You don't want that!"

Zim was losing patience. He didn't want to waste time scrutinizing every tube or spray can! He grabbed one item off the shelf that read simply 'Bug Off!' and left the itchy humans to themselves.

Tossing some bills at the cashier (he also picked up another pair of sunglasses) he stalked out of the building. Once outside he took several breaths of the somewhat fresh air or as fresh as one could get in the city. Stupid stinking humans with their stupid stinking products! It could drive one mad just trying to buy something. Wait, perhaps that was it. Humans –were- mad! They had shredded their logical mental state to nothing from over producing simple products and were now unable to make even a small decision! Another thing to ponder about once he returned home.

When Zim walked in with his purchases he tossed the new sunglasses at Gir. The small robot was delighted with this new toy and threw the original ones aside. Zim picked them up, intending to pack them along with the other supplies he had just bought.

"No Gir! Leave that alone! I might need that!" he hollered when Gir started squeezing the sunscreen onto his tongue.

"But it tastes like cherries!" Gir squealed.

"It's not to eat! It's a sunscreen!" Zim snatched the tube away. He wasn't sure at this time how to use the stuff himself but he was certain it wasn't meant to be ingested. "Do you have your groundhog disguise ready?"

"Uh huh!" Gir slipped off to retrieve the costume while Zim decided just what compartment to stick the sunscreen and repellant in. When the robot returned Zir turned about to give him a critical eye. "See? Izza brown groundhog with a cute lil pink nose!"

Yes, Gir did look like a big brown groundhog with a cute lil pink nose, but there was one extra feature that just didn't seem quite right.

"Gir," Zim patiently pointed out. "Groundhogs have big buck teeth, they don't have curved tusks!"

"But they're hogs, aren't they? Wild ground hogs! Hogs are pigs! I saw this program about wild pigs. They have these sharp tusks!" Gir started running about on all fours around the room, grunting and snorting like a wild boar and gnashing the large curved tusks on his disguise.

"Groundhogs aren't hogs, they're…uh….big tailless squirrels! They have big squirrel teeth!" Zim tried to explain.

"Squirrel teeth? Not even fangs?"

"Just big squirrel teeth. No fangs. Come on, Gir. I can't have you getting a lot of attention while I'm in their training facility! At least, not until I need you to be a distraction."

"Can I be in a tree?"

"I think groundhogs live in the ground. In holes."

"You said groundhogs were big squirrels. Squirrels live in trees!"

"Think about it, Gir. Use your brain! Groundhog…GROUNDhog! Doesn't that suggest to you that it lives in the ground?"

"But it also says HOG and you said it wasn't a pig!"

"But I…it's not…I meant….EERRGGHH! Stupid humans and their STUPID stupid words! They live in holes in the ground, Gir! Not in trees! Just believe me. And they don't have fangs!"

"Okie dokies! Then I'll need a shovel!" Gir immediately fetched one and stuck the handle in one of the pockets of the backpack.

Zim groaned. "No Gir, just…oh never mind! Just change the teeth. Please."

Dib was having his own problems with his camping back pack. No matter how he tried to rearrange stuff there was only so much room for his clothes and not much for his recording equipment. "Darn it, I wish I could just shrink this down! Well, I'd better just take the essentials. Phooey, how am I going to do a full recording without all my stuff? I can't take my night vision goggles, nor my invisi-Ninja-shield, or even my Super Optic camera! " he complained to Gaz.

"Won't you be just a bit busy making campfires from sticks and falling out of canoes and getting eaten by bugs to bother with all that anyway?" she replied.

"Huh, you sure make going to camp sound like a real hazard. No, I'm counting on Zim to be too busy to notice me when I finally catch him on film!"

"Catch him doing what? Making a campfire with sticks, falling out of a canoe and get eaten by bugs? Well, maybe you can sell the footage to one of those funny video shows."

"He's going to make a mistake somewhere. And I'll be there, to get the proof I need that he's an alien at last!"

"Yeah sure." Gaz slipped off the couch while still staring at her game to make her way to her bedroom for some peace and quiet. "People will come running to see an alien here on Earth attending a summer camp making a campfire with sticks, falling out of a canoe and getting eaten by bugs. You could sell tickets!"

Dib sighed. Somehow his sister always seem to take whatever plan he came up with and render it down to useless drivel. Well, he would prove her wrong this time. 'Zim WILL mess up!' he muttered to himself. 'And when he does I will be there! With my camera!'


	4. Chapter 4

Survivor Summer Camp Chapter Four

Tuesday morning shone bright and clear as Zim and Dib made their way to the skool for the camp bus. Both had packed and re-packed their luggage several times (Dib because he kept remembering something he wanted to take and Zim because Gir kept unpacking to search for the sunscreen) and were now dragging them down the streets. Other kids were also streaming down to the skool parking lot, some chattering happily, others a bit tearful about going away from their families. Zim tried to keep his sneering down as he witnessed several sobbing goodbyes. These human worm babies acted as if they were going off to a distant planet or something! This was probably the reason his race made the wise decision to create Irken smeets without parental units, so much more efficient and quieter!

Still he was surprised to discover a very small part inside somewhere that made him long for someone to miss him when he left or at least to say goodbye to. It was very annoying to the invader and he quickly squashed that emotion down. That was the part that made him hug the robotic arm when he was shocked into awareness as a hatchling smeet. To show such a weakness immediately had been such an embarrassment and he had been trying ever since then to overcome it. Gir might miss him if he left but only as long as the robot brain held the memory of his master. As it were, Zim hoped Gir would remember the simple instructions of following the camp bus from a discreet distance and when the location of the camp was known, to hide in the woods wearing the groundhog disguise.

Zim tripped over a slight crack in the sidewalk, making him grit his teeth and mentally curse the sneakers on his feet. So large and clumsy, these things! And with the socks his feet seemed to be heating up almost unbearably. He longed for his regular issued black boots but they wouldn't go with the camping gear the other kids wore. The shorts were almost as bad but as he noticed some other kids also had rather thin legs he felt just a bit better about his appearance. Now if he could just get used to the drafts! Zim hoped it wouldn't chill him to the point of getting ill. The sacrifices he had to make as an invader!

The t-shirt wasn't any better. He couldn't wear his gloves with it and so had to make the sacrifice of filing his claws down to the level of a human's fingernails. How he hated doing that! To lose his beautiful claws and have to masquerade them as weak simple nails was painful but at least he had the consolation of growing them back. Hopefully they'd come back even stronger and longer than before but he couldn't help but stare at his fingers constantly, hating the way they looked now.

He decided to hold off wearing the cap for now. He was uncomfortable enough as it was.

The kids were all now sorting themselves by the groups going to the different camps. Zim made out the one with the banner 'Camp Wannapiddle!" over it and made his way through the throng. It wasn't an easy thing to do as none of the kids seemed capable of just standing still waiting on the order to load. How different it was from Irk, where each Irken waited in line for sometimes a whole day for the next order. Grudgingly Zim had to admit that the waiting did wear on the nerves but at least he never resorted to jumping, or squealing happily with friends, or just sitting down and bawling as a couple were doing. He even tripped over one such sad kid.

"Why can't you just stand up and cry!" he snapped at the child, who looked up at him mournfully.

"Wh..what if my parents d-don't come back for m-me?" the boy sniffled as he wiped his eyes on his sleeve. "W-what if I h-have to stay there f-forever!"

'Then your parents would be better off!' Zim wanted to growl back but he restrained himself and continued threading his way, leaving the others to console the disgusting slobbery worm baby.

He breathed a deep sigh of relief when he was able to stand in front of the proper bus and could stand without being shoved or jabbed in some way. He hadn't even made it to this training facility and already he hated it!

"Hey! Hi! Here I am!" he heard a high voice speak to him gaily from the nearby hedge.

Oh no. "Gir!" he hissed, edging over. "What are you doing here? Get back before somebody sees or hears you!"

"But you told me to wait in the bushes at camp." Gir's voice took on a sad tone.

"This place isn't camp, Gir! It's just where we get on the buses to get –to- the camp! Just hide and when you see this bus leave, follow it! And be discreet about it too!"

"I thought this camp looked an awful lot like the skool,' Gir observed. "I was going to ask you about that. So can I eat the cupcake now?"

Zim rolled his eyes. "Yes Gir. If you want. But be quiet!"

Asking Gir to eat quietly was sort of like asking Zim to go through a whole day without shouting. It just didn't seem possible. Zim could only hope the sounds would be covered by the din of the other kids. He could hear the smacking in the bushes as Gir polished off the bakery treat and gave a slight shudder. It was all so disgusting, almost as bad as the pizza.

"All finished!" Gir squealed happily. "I'll be disqueak now!"

"No, 'discreet', Gir! The word is 'discreet'! And remember to wear the disguise when you get there!"

"Ooohhh yeah. I think I brought it…."

This is not what Zim wanted to hear. "Gir. You 'think' you brought it? You'd better have!"

"Lemme check." Zim heard Gir open his head case and objects suddenly began flying out of the shrubbery. The invader quickly gathered up the items in dismay and stuffed them in his backpack. A rubber duck, a kazoo, a jar of cashews and a pink bunny slipper was all collected and as a small Chihuahua wandered by Zim almost added that into the mix. When he felt the dog jump back from his grasp he also jumped and hissed "Madness! Gir!"

"Here it is! I finded it!" A bit of fur material was waved from the top of the bushes like a flag. "Oh, can I have my bunny slipper back?"

"Gir! There's too many humans around! Get ready to follow us. And don't lose that costume!"

Zim had just enough time to pick up his pack and make his way back to the line when the bus door opened and the too-cheerful-looking woman came out to greet them. "Hey there! I'm Miss Hamper and I'm so glad to see all of you! We're all going to have SUCH fun!"

"Yeah, fun. Whoopee." Zim muttered to himself. The other kids only waved their arms and cheered along.

"Ok, let's get started in boarding! I'll call your name and you come in the bus and take a seat, all right?" Miss Hamper stodd by the bus door and looked at her clipboard. "Tommy Atill?"

"Here!" A red-haired kid immediately shot up his hand then grabbed his pack and hopped onto the vehicle. "Sally Brim?"

"Here!" The girl joined the boy in a nearby seat.

Zim slouched a bit in disgust. The role just had to be in alphabetical order. Why did humans insist on using that so much? It was clear that it was going to be a while before the other kids boarded and he was allowed in.

"Well, looks like it's going to be a few minutes before they get to you. As usual." A very familiar voice sounded next to him, almost making him activate his robot legs to leap away in surprise. He quickly suppressed that desire and all that happened was the lid of his Pak opened a crack then snapped shut again.

The motion wasn't lost on Dib. He grinned inwardly at the reaction he caused.

"What are –you- doing here?" Zim said in an almost-but-not-quite snarl. Then he noticed his nemesis was also dragging a stuffed backpack and wearing shorts. "Don't tell me you're going to this survivor training camp as well?"

'Is that what he thinks this is?' Dib asked himself. 'Well, I think I can have me some fun with this!' Aloud he answered airily, watching the other kids fill the bus. "Sure! I talked Dad into letting me go, for once. Thought it might do me some good, y'know, go out and get fresh air, sunshine, learning how to survive out in the wilderness…" As he said those last words he studied Zim's reactions out of the corner of his eye. "Knowing stuff like that could very well aid the human race in the future."

Zim's eyes narrowed at the thought and his chin jutted out. Any advantage the humans could garner would just make it a bit harder to conquer them. He MUST learn what this training is, every aspect of it! "All the training in this world will not help you when the mighty Irken Armada comes, Dib-worm. We will still mow you down like so many little impala!"

"Ah…I think you mean 'insects', Zim. Impala aren't little."

Zim waved the correction off. "Whatever. It makes little difference what animal it is, we shall mow you down like one!"

"I beg to differ. You will find we humans aren't going to be that easy to conquer. We do have ways and means to deal with alien scum like you!"

"And I will discover those ways and means and use them against you!" The Irken suddenly dropped his pack to step forward and glare at the human boy. Dib did the same and they both glared at each other barely inches apart with narrowed eyes and gritted teeth.

They could very well have come to blows had not Miss Hamper suddenly called out "Dib Membrane!" The tension was broken. Dib snorted then retrieved his pack. "Here!"

As he made his way to the bus he called over his shoulder. "I told you I was going to keep my eye on you! Nothing will get by me! Oh, and by the way, you look ridiculous in those shorts!"

"As if you look better, Dib-dirt?" was all the retort Zim could think of at the moment. The sudden appearance of Dib had given him a mental setback. He could, of course, change his mind and go back to his base but he had already told the Tallest he was going to infiltrate this training camp and besides, what sort of consequence would there be if he didn't go? His name was already on the register. He knew of such things as truant officers for the skool, what sort of official would they use to collect those who fled from the camp? He didn't know and didn't wish to find out.

No, at this point he was committed and he had to deal with this added difficulty. He was Zim, he reminded himself, and therefore he could deal with any problem such as this foolish human boy. Perhaps he could turn this into an advantage?

At that thought his eyes glittered and a slow smile spread across his face. It was not a pleasant smile. The training grounds on Hobo 13 were well known for their accidents, deliberate or not, so why should this camp be any different? Surely there would be a way to cause Dib to experience such an 'accident' and thereby getting out of Zim's mission forever!

He was savoring this thought for so long he didn't hear Miss Hamper call his name at first.

"Zim? Zim! Is that you? You're the last one, please get on the bus! We're about to leave for wonderful Camp Wannapiddle!"

"Oh! Oh yes, sorry!" Zim snatched up his pack and scrambled up the bus steps. He walked slowly down the aisle looking for a space on a seat. It was difficult as the majority were all filled with the squealing, shouting and jumping human kids. He winced at the noise and was almost whacked several times by flying elbows and feet. If only he could annihilate them now! He finally located a vacant spot almost at the back and was about to take it when he noted who he was going to be sitting by.

Dib's face showed the situation didn't exactly thrill him either.

Zim backed away and looked around for another place. There were none.

It figured.

"Please sit down, Zim!" Miss Hamper called. "We can't leave until everyone is sitting down properly!"

"I can't find a place!" Zim called back.

"Why, there's a spot right on that seat next to you!" came the answer.

It wasn't what Zim wanted. "Its'''it's….can I switch with someone?"

"Just sit down, Zim! Please! We have to start off now before it gets much later!" she ordered.

Zim slouched down again in defeat. He dropped his heavy pack, kicked it under the seat in front of him and sat on the very edge, keeping as much distance between him and Dib. Dib, for his part, had also moved over as far against the window as he could and still be comfortable.

It was going to be a very long bus ride.


End file.

Invader Zim, Humor