Harry Potter 1. Shoulder Wiggling CAN be Attractive

**Drunken Escapades**

"Did you thinkk I was going to give it up to youu? This tiheeiheeime? Did you think that it was something I was going to do? And cryheeii? Don't try t-"

"SIRIUS! KNOCK THAT THE BLOODY HELL OFF! I don't expect anything of you . . . except for silence when I have a fucking hangover, you bastard." James called to his friend with a frightening anger, which Sirius thought was very offending.

"Fine, if that's what I get when I try to be good to you! You can kiss _this _goodbye, it's over, James." Sirius cried out, pointing to himself. Then he turned on his heel and stormed out of the dormitory.

James merely groaned, and continued to cradle his head.

— – — — – — — – —

The night before was a wild one. The Gryffindor quidditch team had won, so a party was going on. James was drunk, drunker than those famed for their alky ways. So, James was extremely drunk and dancing on one of the tables in the common room. He was "Irish Jigging" and came very near to falling into the fire. He was singing to himself, while spinning around in a circle on one foot.

He, at least, thought it was a good idea.

And because James had told Remus to stay sober and write every little detail down, the night's events will never be forgotten.

**November 14th**

**Remus reporting at 10:48 pm**

**Hog's Head**

**Won Quidditch**

We are sitting in the Hog's Head. Soon walking back to castle will be impossible, but Sirius says, "We must forge on! Examples will be set for the younger children! We will be . . . um . . . ah! - Heroes! We will be heroes and all will love us, if only we get back to school."

That is where our story begins. And with James deciding we need to keep a log of our times with alcohol. Tonight, I, Remus J. Lupin, am the "Designated um . . . er . . . Delicacy! No, no, that's not right, the Designated Disher. Hmm. The Divulger. The Designated Divulger! Oh! I am a genius!" James slurred to everyone in the pub. Sirius and Peter seemed to enjoy this idea immensely.

"To the Designated Divulger!" The three toasted heartily. "Here, here."

I'm with incredibly idiotic sixth years and in incredible need of a drink right now, so I can drown out their drunken embarrassment. With Sirius slobber on my mouth and Peter adoringly stroking his feet, - and occasionally confusing his feet with mine - mumbling sweet nothings, our story starts. Oh, and James wants me to write that he is extremely handsome and knows for a fact that the entire quidditch team wants him . . . in bed.

Since nothing exciting will happen until we forge on into the common room, I decided to write quotes **from the mouths of twats:**

"Pass me that spoon, I need to brush my toes out a bit. That lassy over there is checking these beauts out."

-- Sirius

"Well, _I _can touch my ear with my tongue, see?" - muffled grunts - "Or - or I can't."

-- Peter

"When are we going back to the castle? Lily will be waiting for me, so we need to hurry."

-- James

**November 14th**

**James Not-So-Designated Divulging at 11:54 am**

**Common Room**

**Quidditch has still been won**

Remus is a complete prat. How dare he say those things about me! "What things?" he'll say. Well I'm not quite sure what he wrote, but I know it's offensive. Lily looks good. I think she wants me. I can see her looking my way, oh! Is that a smile? At me?

Things are looking good, sports fans.

Along with a Ms. Evan's. Ohh. SEXY. I think I will go dance. I can tell from her eyes that she is longing to dance with me. Look at her bite her lip seductively. Don't worry Lily! I'll save you from boredom! Just let me boogie on over there . . .

– — – — – — – — – — –

Lily stood watching James canter over to her, a look of bemusement on her face, but she was sympathetic all the same, how many times had she turned down the lovable James, and he kept at it! He was like a giant five-year-old – with hormones.

"Lilyyy." He called to her in a somewhat-sultry manner. His shoulder-wiggling dance style detracted from the sexy vibes, but otherwise he was a good-looking drunk.

Lily felt herself wishing to be held by his quidditch-toned arms.

"_Uuoh! What is wrong with me? James Potter is not your friend. He is your number one enemy! Get you head in the game, Lily. Ignore him. Ignore him. Ignore him."_ She silently scolded herself.

He was coming closer, and those beautiful arms connected to that muscular chest! It was all she could do to turn away from the beautifully drunken, shoulder-wiggling, seductive-eyed James.

And how he wished she wouldn't have, as his lips brushed against her soft and perfumed fiery mane.

— – — – — – — – —

"GET ME HEADACHE MEDICINE! AND HEAL MY HEART. IT HAS SPILT INTO TWO PIECES," James called from his newly named "Bed of Doom." His pajamas were Teletubby patterned; he had only bought them as a dare during the summer, but they were the most comfortable thing James had ever felt.

Lily witnessed them full on as she came in to apologize for turning away the night before.

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**A/N:** I am writing about six stories right now. So many ideas! Sorry if this seemed a bit risque. It was me mainly trying to show my infinity for the teenage life. Ahaha, LOSER ALERT. But I hoped you enjoyed my little piece of fun. It will continue, no worries. And I'm working on a couple one shots. There's plenty to look forward to from me. And I bet if you encourage her, "Ohsnap its Potter" will update.

Peace, and thanks for reading this.

Please review.

Im outty.


	2. The Loss of a Manly Demeanor

"James?" Lily called to him in a somewhat manly voice. "What are those things on your pajamas?"

James didn't look up from his face-in-the-pillow position, "Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po. Teletubbies, teletubbies say 'hello!'" James sang in a melancholy tone. "I thought I had told you that when we were buying them. You had to make me get the footie variety, remember?"

When Lily didn't answer because she was silently laughing at his ridiculous clothing, James turned around.

Then he screamed.

"LILY! What are you doing here! And why are you staring at me, you disgusting, perverted stalker! I want you out! OUT! OUT I SAY! Leave me to wallow in peace. AND STOP THAT CHUCKLING!" James loudly cried while pointing vehemently at the door and collapsing into a pile on the bed. He was sobbing because his "manly demeanor" was ruined.

Lily was sobbing over a different matter. She tried to tease him about the little jingle he had performed, but was giggling so hard that she could barely breathe and could only say one word, "T-teletub-b-bies!"

It probably looked a bit odd for Remus to see Lily Evans and James Potter bawling on "The Bed of Doom" together.

"Uh-hmm. I'll just mosey on over to the bathroom. To leave you two and your wailing in peace. Nice seeing you Lily? Er, bye," Remus stated, sounding confused and purely overwhelmed at the spectacle.

Neither Lily or James seemed to notice the bewildered werewolf stumble into the bathroom and they continued to cry, until James realized he was crying over the loss of his manly demeanor. He shook his head in disgust.

"Why are _you _crying?" James interrogated with nausea, "_I'm _the one who has ruined my manly personality and _I'm _the one who was rejected last night in front of everyone; again!"

He flung his head back into his pillow and dramatically moaned to her, "Oh, it's too much. Leave me alone in my misery. Go on. Let me feel this pain."

But this burst of emotion from James only caused Lily to erupt into more hysterics, "M - m-manly demeanor. James Potter. Man-ly d-demeanor."

That is why James decided getting up and pushing her out of the window would be a good idea. He braced himself for the worse, went after her with incredible speed, and unleashed his warrior cry, "AGGGAAAAHH. OOAAA OOOAAA OOOOOAAA."

Lily's face turned a horribly pale color and took on a frightened look. She was not particularly used to being charged at by a "warrior" yelling nonsensical things. Then again, it might have been the pajamas that did her in. Either way she unleashed her own battle cry, a bloodcurdling scream, which sent a very nearly naked Remus hurdling out of the bathroom with shaving cream on his face and a razor in hand.

"Ooh-er," mumbled Lily, as she gracefully fell to the floor, after not-so gracefully tripping over a bottle of alcohol that is illegal on all seven continents.

— – — – — – — – — – —

When Lily woke up from her deep slumber her head was in lots of pain and the four marauders were standing in a circle around her while she squeezed her eyes shut, convinced it was a nightmare, and soon her roommates would tell her to move her hairy arse and all would be right in the world.

Or Lily's world would never be the same again. That's generally what happens when James Potter is standing in teletubbie pajamas above you, Sirius Black is laying down beside you claiming, "If she goes, I go too. Because I love her. I LOVE YOU LILY. DON'T LEAVE ME ALL ALONE." and stroking you, Peter Pettigrew is wearing an awfully orange jacket with bits of puff sticking out of the collar of it looking worriedly at you, and Remus Lupin is looking at you with sympathy, silently apologizing for his friends, and wearing nothing but a towel.

My world would turn upside down. I can tell you that much.

Lily started to laugh. Remus and Peter exchanged looks of worry. As Sirius started to cry tears of joy and kissing the air he shouted, "Lily! You're alive! Our love can survive now! Muah. Muah." James sighed and sat down on the end of his bed.

Lily slowly stood up, slowly chuckling. Sirius looked devastated, "Lily! Where are you going? You can't leave me now, not after all that we've been through! You are my TRUE LOVE."

"You're right Sirius, what was I thinking? I'll stay with you forever," Lily pretended to follow along. Sirius stopped wailing and with that Lily walked out of the boys' dormitory.

"Sirius, mate, you really need to stop drinking before noon," Remus quipped.

– — – — – — – — – — – — –

After stalking out of the room, Lily could have been seen walking across the common room muttering things about her own stupidity. People were giving her dirty looks and whispering behind their hands.

"That Lily Potter" -snicker, snicker- "is always acting like a goody-goody, then she just comes gallivanting out of the Marauder's room? Something must be done," a particularly beauty-impaired girl was saying.

"You're totally right, she's abusing her place as Prefect," the girl's only male friend stated, looking wistfully at Lily. "But, I would kill to be her right now."

Lily, on the other hand, was going to have to perform "obliviate" on herself. It would be the only way of erasing this horrible memory from her brain. She ran up to her dorm and prayed Elli was awake.

Slowly Lily creaked open the door, "Ellll-iii. I lurrrve you, and I wish you could sleep a little longer, but I need to tell you a story, a really funny, sad story."

There was a distant groaning and a head appeared that had beautiful auburn hair. Elli opened her greenish gray eyes and gave Lily a disgruntled look, "What happened? Where'd you go? Why is there a bump on your head and lipstick on your cheek?"

Lily took a dep breath, "Sirius, James, Peter, and Remus happened."

Elli raised an eyebrow and waited for her best friend to sit down and tell her the whole tale. By the time Lily was finished, Elli was wetting herself with laughter, " A lot of people are wishing they could be you right now. Even that one guy, Brett."

That sent Lily into hysterics.

After awhile the gossiping got boring and they decided to head down to breakfast. Elli and Lily were walking along when out of nowhere a very drunken Sirius came hurdling towards them, a screaming small person in tow. Lily seemed to recognize the screaming small person.

"Haley!" Elli and Lily screamed at the same time, rushing to get their friend out of Sirius' grasp.

"No. You two are _not _touching my prize. I won her from that . . . one . . . guy. And she's allll mine. You hear? Mine," Sirius shouted in his drunken manner.

"Sirius, put Haley down. She is her own person," Remus reasoned with Sirius, coming to him from behind and startling him into dropping Haley, whose voice had gone hoarse and whose normally sleek blonde hair had gotten matted from Sirius' rough care.

She looked appreciatively towards Remus, then was helped up by Lily and Elli.

The three girls walked away, Sirius staring at their backsides and starting to salivate until Remus woke him from his reverie, "You need some breakfast in you. Ugh. And you need to brush your teeth."

– — – — – — – — – — –

That night James was sitting on his bed, slowly drinking his Firewhiskey, contemplating how his life was.

Peter was the designated divulger for this drinking time.

**November 15th**

**Peter Reporting at 9:23**

**Gryffindor Tower**

**Erm. James says we're drinking because he wants to.**

'Ello all! Peter here. Boy, am I excited to be here telling you about how fun my friends and I can be, just this morning Sirius ran down the hallway with Haley Thompson in his arms, and she is like a raging . . . flobberworm, er I mean hippogriff. A raging hippogriff.

James gave me some appler juice. Mmm. It's good, but a little bit sparkly.

– — – — – — – — – — –

A/N: I thought this was a good place to end because obviously Peter is not drinking applesauce. It'll create more of a structure for my next chapp. Oh, and I decided that Peter will keep divulging. Please R&R. And thanks for reviewing my other chapters. It made me happy beyond belief. Abbey.


	3. Italian Gentlemen

**A/N:** Thanks to all of the crazy wonderful reviewers! I love getting to hear what people think. I forgot my disclaimer on the last chapter. So if you recognized anything it wasn't mine. Have fun reading this chapter.

**Disclaimer**: anything recognizable IS NOT mine.

Chapter 3:

**November 15th**

**Sirius here and I'm almost entirely sober!**

**Gryffindor Tower**

**just because we like alcohol**

I honestly don't think James gave Peter some "appler juice", especially since Peter is trying to seduce everything in sight. Including girls. Meaning Peter can't talk to girls without pissing himself. Unfortunate habit, but rather amusing to see.

His seducing is embarrassing to watch. Peter thinks being sexy is talking in a low voice and using dirty words.

He has been slapped in the face a few times tonight.

I'll ask him the exact number. Just as I feared. It's been twenty seven times that he has been hit by the opposite sex. Ooh, twenty eight.

Ouchiwawa.

Oh dear. It's time for me to be leaving. Someone needs an ice pack. And there is a girl calling my name. A very pretty girl. With large . . . eyes. Very large eyes.

Umm, have fun with Remus telling you about tonight. Duty calls, you know?

**November 15th**

**Remus again**

**Gryffindor Tower**

**James supplied it, we drank it**

Interesting chain of events. Peter's plan to engage every girl, and maybe even some of the boys, in Hogwarts in at least a conversation has made him the most hated marauder. Sirius will be worried about his image and James will now have to hide from Peter.

Apple juice. What kind of a half-wit mistakes alcohol for apple juice? I guess he just - aw shit, James is heading towards Lily. I have to stop him.

But how?

— – — – — – — – —

"_Lilyy, you make me feel oh-so sillyyy._

_Oh Lily, I love you sooo_

_(Love you so)_

_Lilayyayyay _

_(Lilayy)_

_You make my world_

_(Myy world)_

_Go 'round_

_(Go go 'round)_

_Silly Lily, won't you be_

_(Won't you be)_

_Minee tonightt?_

_(To-To-Tonight?)"_ Sirius and James had started to serenade Lily Evans. James sang lead and Sirius followed whatever James had said.

If they had been sober, Lily would not have tried to swallow her giggles. She began to turn a nice lavender color, it really complemented her hair.

Because Remus was tryed to intervene, the drunkards' turned their attention to him.

"_Reheeemus, you are the onee_

_(the onee)_

_for me_

_(for meheeheeheeheeee)_

_oh oh ohhhh oh_

_(oh)_

_Remus, Remus, Remus_

_(Reeemus)_

Eventually they were dragged upstairs by Remus and Peter, but Peter was not very much help because he could barely get himself up the stairs.

They tumbled into the room together, and James lay there for the rest of the night; stroking Sirius' hair and cooing softly.

– — – — – — – — –

Lily, lay in bed that night, thinking about the day. Was what James sang true? Did she really have that effect on him? Could he be the man she was searching for? She hoped he was thinking the same thoughts about her.

"Elli," Lily called before realizing Elli was asleep, "I think I like James. I shouldn't be liking him. But he's so cute when he tries to impress me. In a dorky kind of way. He is like a little teddy bear that I want to cuddle with."

But Elli wasn't asleep like Lily had been hoping. She heard every word.

— – — – — – — – —

The next day James lay in his despair pit. He thought about how Lily hated him so, and he couldn't take it. He had to get her to like him.

"Sirius," He called. "Sirius, I need you. I need your help."

Sirius turned to James very quickly, "Well, I am at your service. What do you need? Quickly now, tell me, tell me."

"How do I get Lily to like me?" James moaned.

"Ahh, the Lily Flower. The red headed beauty. The crabby-ass. Is this the Lily you speak of?"

"Yes, Sirius. Who else would it be?"

"My auntie."

James raised his eyebrow, "Why would I want your aunt to like me?"

"Because you think I am sexy, and my aunt would look just like me and because we are both straight that would be the only way for you to live out your fantasy of me. The one where I am in bed . . . . with whipped cream and chocolate," Sirius explained.

"Whaat? You sexy? Whipped cream and chocolate? Are you mental, or just on drugs?" James exclaimed.

"The whipped cream and chocolate would be in a pie. And I would be eating the pie. And I am a sexy wildebeest. Meanie pants," Sirius replied.

James looked bemused, but he had to figure Lily out, "Sirius, this is all really exciting to talk about, but how do I get Lily to like me?"

"Act like a gentleman."

"A gentleman?"

"A gentleman."

Sirius then proceeded to get James Potter dressed and acting like a gentleman. Remus was rather putout to see James being "politeicimus." Because being a gentleman, you have to talk in "Italian" at all times. That's why the Italians are so good with ladies.

"Ah, look at mi creation. Buutiful, buutiful!" Sirius cried when James emerged from the bathroom in a smoking jacket.

Remus burst out laughing as James tried to put a monocle on in each eye, "Why don't you just wear your glasses? It's a lot less painful."

"Because it is not de way of de Italians. Dey must be styleesh," James explained in a false Italian accent, that was more Jamaican / Brazilian than anything else.

"That wasn't an Italian accent, and you're only supposed to wear one monocle at a time. The has 'bad idea' written all over it," Remus warned.

"No, in Italian it is 'bad-icimus idea-omous,'" Sirius quickly corrected, "Now, Jamesy you must-a be-a going. Charm-a your lady free-end."

Soon James found himself sitting in a common room chair, closely being observed by Sirius and Peter.

— – — – — – —

**November 16th **

**Sirius and Peter**

**Gryffindor Common Room**

**Observing our Charming Gentleman Friend**

Oh, oh hello. It is I, Noble Sir Sirius, and my faithful . . . Peter. Remus will not be joining us this evening because he has gotten himself a date with an incredibly sexy lady. So it is up to Peter and I to make sure James does not mess this up. Lily is coming careening down the stairs. Her eyes are fiery with passion.

Or it could be that _someone _stole her sexiest underwear. Only time will tell.

Anyways, our dear friend, James is completely ready for this night of good fortune. He is even has my lucky pipe, only used for special occasions. It has a duck carved on it.

A very sexy duck, though.

Let's see, ahh, James has the mono-thingys in and the pipe is placed in his mouth. He even has a book out! Lily will love this. He is noticing her presence. Must go to whisper in his ear.

Okey-dokey. Bye.

— – — – — – —

James sat with a large book on his lap. He was staring at the book trying to understand what Shakespeare meant with his poems, but the words had letters he had never seen before. He slammed the book down and screamed, "This is HOPELESS. GENTLEMEN HAVE TO READ IN A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE!"

A first year looked at him with a frightened look,"J-james. You're you're book is upside down."

"WELL? What the hell does that mean?" He yelled.

"That the letters are upside down. S-so it's harder to read."

James scowled and downed his entire glass of gentlemanly champagne. The first year ran off just as Lilly came stomping around the corner.

"James. I need to talk to you. In private. Right now," Lily spoke in forceful sentences.

"Um, coming darling," James sang uneasily, feeling the effects of his bubbly alcohol as he stumbled over to wear she stood.

Lily grabbed him by the arm and led him through the portrait into the corridor. _Why is she doing this? _James wondered. _Could it be that her passion for me has overwhelmed her thoughts? This gentleman thing really worked. Cor, she looks good. And I mean _real _good._

He started gazing at her and drooling a little, until she slapped him.

"OUCH, bloody hell woman. Were you trying to kill my face? Because you may have. It stings worse than getting kicked in the family jewels. Have you no dignity?" James screamed upon being slapped.

"I have dignity, but you James Potter are lacking it! Stealing my knickers, and the cutest pair I have. You are downright perverted!" She screamed right back.

"Oh. That must have been Sirius. Um, look I'm sorry that he did that, but I don't know where it is." James explained while he ran a hand through his gelled back and gentlemanly hair. Suddenly he broke out into a smile, the kind a little boy gets when he figures out something really tricky. "To make it up to you I'll get you my favorite pair of boxers. They have the Chudley Cannons flying around all over it. Would that make you feel better?"

He didn't even wait for a response as her ran back to the fat lady and screamed the password before racing into the common room and up the stairs into his dorm. He found Sirius lying on his bed with a stuffed animal tiger.

They seemed to be having a "moment."

"Cor, James! Don't you even know how to knock? What if you had walked in on me having a romantic moment or something, what then!" Sirius screamed in surprise.

"Well I don't know, but have you seen my Chudley Cannon boxers?" James asked hurriedly.

"The ones that are green and purple?"

"Yes."

"Are you looking for the ones with all seven players on them?"

"Yes."

"Is it the pair with a quaffle, a snitch, and a couple of bludgers on them?"

"YES! Have you seen them?"

"No. Check in your dresser. Or else in the bath tub."

James screamed in frustration and slapped Sirius on the head before upturning every single thing in dorm room. He finally found his pair of boxers hiding in the toothbrush holder.

"How the hell did my underwear get in there!" James yelled.

"Well I don't know. Was it from that party when the quidditch team won? And we snuck some ladies from hogsmeade up here?"

"Sirius, we never had ladies from hogsmeade up here."

"Oh-ho! Yes we have Jamesy Pooh-Bear. Were you really that drunk?"

"ARGHH. SHUT UP." James shouted before running down the stairs and out the potrait hole to Lily.

"Here they are Lily! You see the seeker? He kind of looks like me, huh?" James asked hopefully.

"Are you drunk, James? Honestly. Thanks for your underwear, but I don't want them. Take them back," Lily replied.

"No. I am NOT drunk. I may be intoxicated, but I AM NOT DRUNK. And now that you have touched my underwear I don't ever want to wear them again. KEEP THEM!" James retaliated huffily.

And with that Lily took the underwear, said the password, and stalked upstairs without a backward glance.

James yelled at a little first year walking by, then fell to the floor. He decided to cry and let out the emotions within. That is how Remus found him at 12:30 after his miserable date.

"C'mon, James. Lets go up to the common room. I bet you Sirius has some sort of alcohol laying about," Remus comforted.

"Okay, Rem-Rem," James said in a lost little voice while Remus lifted him up and helped walk up the stairs to the dorm.

— – — – — – — – — – — – — –

**A/N**: um. So there it is. Tell me what you would like. I could use some ideas for what to happen in the upcoming chapters. And I could use some criticism. And maybe some praise? Haha, but please review. And im sorry this took so long to update. The next chapter won't. I promise.

Love.

A.NERD.NAMED.ABBEY


	4. Lily Learns how to be Sneaky

A/N: Hey. Thanks so much to all my reviewers! You guys make me smile. Alright so here's chapter four. I really hope you like it. It's just a bit of fluff, and a bit of stupidity. But whatever, we all like stupid fluff, right? Oh, and I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but they are in their seventh year. So sorry if you are a little confused. Um, that's it. Please review. Thanks and love.

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Harry Potter. And I never will.

**Drunken Escapades**

Chapter Four:

— – — – — – — – — – — – — – — – — – — – — – — –

James and Remus stumbled into the dorm room very loudly, so loudly in fact that Sirius jumped out of bed and ran over to see if they were reindeer. He had been reading muggle fairytales before bed again.

Remus began to explain how Lily had broken James' heart yet again. And he told the tale of his horrible date.

"Sirius, I don't understand how I can be so uptight around girls. Haley is everything I could ever want. She's so smart and beautiful. And funny. And beautiful, but I'm just so dumb. Sirius I need your help and James obviously does, too." Remus cried, while shooting a sympathetic glance at James, who now had Peter in a bear hug.

"Vhat is dis? My plan of gentlemanly proportions did not vork? Dat is very dizappointing. Vhat did you do wrong, James? Vere you wearing de monocles?" Sirius asked accusingly, but since he was still talking in his gentleman accent it didn't sound very threatening. He sounded more like a Russian birdwatcher.

James was so confused that he did not say a word, he just gave Sirius a blank look. Then he walked over to his trunk and pulled out two very large and oddly shaped socks. From the socks he pulled out two boxes. And from those boxes he pulled out some sort of bottles. There were four in all.

Silently James handed them out, he then grabbed the notebook used for Designated Divulging and thrust it into the Russian bird watcher's arms. Sirius drank a little bit of his liquor and found that it refilled what he had drank.

"James, Where'd you get these?" Sirius asked.

"It doesn't matter. Get writing, bitch," James snapped.

Sirius looked a little taken aback, but he did as James said and began to write.

--- -- -- --- -- -- --- -- -- --- -- -- --- -- -- --- -- -- --- -- -- --- -- -- ---

**November 17th **

**Sirius "Unbelievably Attractive" Black.**

**A Little Place I Like to Call "Party Central"**

**And no, We're Not in my Pants.**

**James is Depressed. Remus is Depressed. I Like to Drink. And Pete . . . is Pete.**

So James is a little meanie face, but he did give me this amazing bottle of shit. Well, no, it's not actually shit, but Prongs gave it to me, therefore it _is _shit. And well, anyways, it's amazing. Do you know why? Because it'll get you so incredibly drunk and you can say, "I only had one bottle." But one bottles of these . . . Is . . . It's a lot.

No one knows exactly how much it is, but that's the beauty of it. No one knows how much their drinking, it refills itself over and over and . . . over.

It's like Heaven in a bottle.

So we're drinking this because James is deeply depressed. Because he is a fool. And acts like a mental patient around the girl of his dreams, and he gives her boxers for a present.

Let me tell you, I, the master of girl impressing have never given someone boxers. The ladies do not like it. Or do they? Ladies like getting boxers for presents?

Does that mean my world's ending? Does anyone have locust problems? Is the Earth splitting open? Are the ladies losing their little balls of joy? NO, PLEASE LORD, DO NOT TAKE THOSE LOVELY TITS I- I- WOULD - oh my someone is knocking on the door quite loudly.

It's very loud. I don't think I drank that much already . . . Oh no, wait. It is someone at the door. I will answer it.

But very carefully. McGonagall is scary.

-- --- -- --- -- --- -- --- -- --- -- --- -- --- -- --- -- --- -- --- -- --- -- --- --

Lily had been lying in her bed, thinking about James. No, she wasn't thinking about him in a "I Want Him to Slowly Undress Me" way. She was thinking about him in a "Oh My God. He's Serious About Liking Me" way. And she could not get the look of pure joy on his face when he thought of something to make her "happy" out of her head.

Maybe he was a good person after all.

Er, no. That couldn't be it. She lay there thinking about it, when she remembered that she had forgotten to tell James something. She laughed as she thought about this. She remembered that she had forgotten.

Since she was so exhausted it was more than funny, it was hysterical.

Lily didn't know what to do. She couldn't not tell him about the meeting tomorrow. He would get in trouble. But she couldn't just go sauntering into the Marauders' dorm, what if someone saw? She glanced at the clock.

It was one fifteen. Who'd be up now? She grabbed her sweatshirt and pulled it on, then changed from her pajamas into sweatpants. She pulled her hair into a pony and crept our of her room.

She walked down the stairs and over towards the boy's staircase, finally she got to the door. Lily knocked on it three times very quickly. She heard a shuffling noise and then the door opened a crack.

Sirius peered out from behind the door in a very "I was Taken Over by an Exorcist and Still Have Not Fully Recovered" way.

"Oh, hello Lily. Welcome to the Marauders' Dorm. Enjoy your stay, Love," Sirius slurred.

"Um, hi Sirius. I need to talk to James. Is he awake?" Lily asked politely even though she was deeply disturbed by Sirius calling her "Love."

Sirius opened the door a bit wider to show James drinking in the corner and jumping every few seconds. Sirius looked over and mumbled something very much like, "He must be seeing those invisible, floating, naked women again."

He then moved aside to let Lily in. She said, "Thank you" to Sirius then walked over to James. Cautiously she tapped him on the shoulder.

James very slowly turned to see Lily standing there. Then he began to scream.

Remus and Sirius were very worried about their friend, this was not a boy who usually screamed at the sight of a very pretty girl. This was a boy who turned on the "charm."

But it was Peter who took action and began to yell as he shook James by his shoulders, "JAMES. STOP IT MATE. THIS IS LILY, REMEMERBER, YOU THINK SHE'S SEXY."

James calmed down and turned around to face the wall. It looked as though he was having a very serious conversation about what he should do.

When he had finally decided the best course of action, he spun around and brushed his messy hair back in a sort of seductive way.

"Hello Lily Evans, Keeper of my Heart. What brings you to the gentleman's dormitory this evening?" James slurred without realizing what he was saying.

Lily tried desperately to hold back a laugh, but it was useless. James was the funniest drunk she had ever seen. Now that she thought about it, he was the only drunk she'd ever seen. He got drunk in the common room, in the corridor, in the Forbidden Forest. Was he ever not drunk?

She was about to ask Remus this, when James produced a little bottle for Lily to drink. She looked at it cautiously, but then she grabbed it and took an enormous swig.

The Marauders all looked at each other. "What the hell?" James asked.

"See, I told you. It's the sane ones you need to be careful of. They get crazy. The insane ones, they just get boring," Sirius spoke philosophically.

Remus looked at him sideways, "Was that supposed to make sense, Padfoot?"

"Well, yes I suppose it was . . . Anyways. Let's get this party started!" Sirius shouted while proceeding to grind up against Lily while holding his hands in the air.

"SIRIUS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY GIRL!" James screamed.

"Er. It was a joke mate. Sorry for violating you, Lily," Sirius said cautiously.

"THAT'S RIGHT SIRIUS. SHE'S MINE TO VIOLATE, DAMMIT," James kept screaming.

"James. Settle down," Remus said.

"NO, REMUS," James yelled. "Wait, no. I'm sorry everyone. So sorry."

Lily was trying desperately not to laugh. Normally she would not find this funny, but these circumstances were different. For one thing she was well intoxicated by now and for another thing she was in the marauder's dorm at two o'clock in the morning.

It was strange, to say the least.

She was standing there thinking about the funniness of life when Peter decided that they needed to play a game.

"What sort of game P-P-Petey Roo?" James slurred.

"A fun one," Peter replied, "Come on, sit down in a circle, everyone. We are going to play 'would you rather!'"

"Alright Peter . . ." Remus said.

"Yay. Well, then I'll go first. Would you rather . . . Eat a . . . frog or . . . A snail?" Peter spoke very excitedly, thinking that he was wildly clever and funny for thinking up such a thing.

"Do we all need to answer?" Sirius called out.

"Well, yes I suppose so," Peter said.

"Hmm. I think I would like to eat a frog. Because then maybe I could jump up really high, see. Because I would get the frogs jumping powers," James said.

"I would eat the snail. Because snails are delicious. And I'm already a good enough jumper," Sirius decided.

"I would eat the snail, too. It's smaller, so it would take that long to eat," Lily said.

"Er . . They're both gross. Maybe I'd eat the frog. It sounds better," Remus said.

"Okay. Who wants to go next?" Peter asked.

"I will! Would you rather sleep with Lily or with me?" Sirius said while trying to be seductive.

"Lily," Remus and James said at once.

Peter appeared to be thinking it over very carefully, he had three fingers up on one hand and five on the other, as though he were counting the pros of each option.

"Lily," he said at last.

"Sirius, do you realize that you're asking me to sleep with you or with myself?" Lily asked.

"Oh. Um. New game, Desert Island. Pick two things you would need to bring to a Desert Island," Sirius stumbled over his words.

"Well, I would need to take a bottle of this stuff and a . . .grocery store. Then I could get drunk and I could eat food at the same time," Peter explained.

"Oh. Those are good points Peter. I would bring my wand. And a sexy mama. Then I could have sex and I could make anything in the world," Sirius said.

"I would bring my wand, yeah. Then I would bring some food, not necessarily a grocery store, but definitely large quantities of substances that taste delicious," Remus answered, for some reason when he was drunk he didn't get stupid, he stayed the same, just used bigger words.

"Is it my turn?" Lily asked.

Everyone nodded.

"Oh, ok. Well, I think I would bring my wand and a library with every book in the wizarding world and in the muggle world in it. Then I could sit on the beach all day and read. Or else I would bring my wand and a sexy boy in a thong," She rambled.

"You mean like me?" James asked in a somewhat seductive way.

"Well, maybe. Do you have good legs?" Lily said after thinking for awhile and looking him up and down.

"Do you wanna see?"

"No thanks, James. It's your turn to say what you'd bring to a Desert Island," Lily said, but she was too late. James had already taken off his pants and thrown them across the room.

He then decided that pole dancing would be fun, so he grabbed his broomstick and swung himself and his very toned legs around it.

Lily and Sirius began hooting and catcalling while Remus repeatedly slapped himself in the forehead and Peter looked on in awe. Finally, James stopped his provocative moves and sat down in the circle again.

"What were we talking about?" He panted out.

"The two things you'd bring to a Desert Island with you," Peter said.

"Hmm. That's easy, isn't it? My wand and a mirror. Because I'd miss looking at myself," James said. The sad thing about this was that he was being completely serious.

"Alright. Fair enough," Remus said in a sarcastic way.

"Hey, I know a game," Lily said.

"What is it!" Peter exclaimed.

"It's called 'Spin the Bottle.' And what you do is spin a bottle and whoever it lands on, you have to kiss them," Lily said before realizing that she was the only girl sitting the circle right now, "Or you know we could play . . . 'Go to Sleep.' Where you sleep until you wake up. It's pretty fun."

"I like the sounds of the first game," Peter said.

They all gave him a disgusted look.

"Why don't we play the second game?" Remus yawned.

"Alright, can I just sleep here tonight?" Lily asked.

The guys nodded and crawled into their beds. Lily curled up on the floor, but she couldn't get comfortable at all. She was cold and the ground was hard. She lay there for awhile, but then Peter's and Sirius's snores scared her.

Lily stood up and saw that all of the boys were asleep. She crept over to James' bed and gently tapped him on the shoulder.

He lifted his head and opened one eye, "What's wrong, Lily?"

"It's really hard and cold on the ground. And Sirius and Peter snore really loudly. Do you think I can sleep here with you?" She whispered.

"Yeah," He said while lifting up the comforter and patting the spot right next to him, "lay right here."

Lily nodded and crawled into his bed. James lifted the comforter over them both. She snuggled down, and moved a little closer to him. He smiled into her hair while she put his arms around her.

James softly smiled. And maybe it was the alcohol, but Lily found herself grinning a bit as she drifted into a dreamless sleep.

--- -- --- -- --- -- --- -- --- -- --- -- --- --

**A/N**: Um. So what do you think? Please review.  
Love.  
Abbey


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Harry Potter, Humor, Romance