One Piece 1. Doujinshi

Title: Doujinshi  
Rating: PG-13 I think... kinda vauge  
Pairing: Sanji/Zoro  
Word Count: 229  
Posted: 8/9/04

Topic: Pornography

It had started innocently enough. A midnight offering to a Goddess, warm out of the oven...

He didn't expect to find her sleeping- however late, curled over her drawings, pen still in hand. Less did he expect those drawings to deviate from their normal topographic nature.

"She likes this stuff...?"

Even as a blanked was tucked into place, a calculating grin asserted itself.

He knew what he had to do.

---

The plan was carefully laid. Meal finished, the galley slowly emptied. Heavy foods had served their purpose; drowsy as they all were, his target had already dozed off in his place. When certain there would be no outside interruptions, he moved in. Swords were ever so carefully removed and placed well out of reach. The trap set, he leaned over his quarry and gently nudged a shoulder.

Then nudged it a little harder.

"Huh? What do you want, San-mphhhnnnnn!!"

Swift movement yielded a brief advantage before the struggle.

"What the hell are you doing!?"

An obstacle skillfully removed.

"Wh—give me back my pants!"

Opening detected, and exploited.

"Stop that, get-- Nnnnng!"

Resistance abruptly ceases.

---

While particular efforts were never outwardly rewarded- sometime after the Going Merry left its next port, certain books started selling very well… with all new content. Only among a mature audience, of course. Weekly payments found their way to a particular navigator.


	2. Doujinshi, vol 2

Title: Doujinshi, Volume 2  
Rating: Still PG-13...I think.  
Word count: 220  
Pairing: Luffy/Zoro (Wow, uked again...)  
Posted: 8/11/04

Topic: Pornography

"Oooh, a coloring book!" Rubber hands quickly snatched Nami's latest print, for a moment leaving her to stare at empty air. Then her eyes found the thief hanging by his knees from the crows nest, already flipping from page to page.

"Hey, give that back!" She stomped her foot in annoyance. "At least /pay/ for it!"

Her captain, apparently too distracted now to hear her, continued flipping through pages in the newly acquired book.

Deciding it wasn't worth the effort of climbing after him, she settled in to wait. As soon as he hit deck again she was getting back her book, or getting paid for it. Possibly both. He could have the beating for free, either way.

An hour later he had finally crawled INTO the crows nest, and having seemingly lost interest in the book, now leaned over the rail to peer down. He scrutinized the deck for a few minutes until he spotted a familiar, dozing from.

"Gomu Gomu no Hentai!"

Zoro didn't even have time to blink, as he was yanked from the deck.

For the next 2 hours, he was introduced to the fact that food was not the only extent of Luffy's appetite.

Nami, cocking her head slightly, noted that /that/ did indeed stretch too. Volume 2 saw record sales the next month.


	3. Zoro did it

Title: Zoro did it  
Rating: PG-13?  
Word count: 233  
Pairing: Somewhat Zoro/Sanji  
Posted: 8/18/04  
Topic: Bad Habits

In Zoro's opinion, Sanji had a nasty habit of smoking. In Sanji's opinion Zoro had a nasty habit of breathing. Neither had any intention of compromising. Occasionally, Sanji would try to 'dissuade' the other from his chosen habit. His opponent, surprisingly, was somewhat more subtle in his retaliation.

Recently, Zoro had made a habit of stealing the cook's cigarettes, because they were 'damn annoying'. In the unacknowledged part of his mind, this roughly translated to, 'for his own good'. He had to ensure the cook lived long enough to realize Zoro's superiority, after all.

Sanji had yet to figure this out, or the swordsman's meals would have taken a dive in edible content. Its amazing how many toxic fish could be found in the ocean. If he was feeling particularly kind, he might even make sure it wasn't lethal.

About the time Zoro noticed the cook chewing on anything- carrots, toothpicks, pencils- he decided to give him something to put in his mouth.

Well, there were two things he could put in his mouth, but only one Zoro would trust to his recent foul mood.

The next day, where the very last stronghold of nicotine had been 'safely' hidden away, Sanji found a package of lollipops.

He vowed to find the perpetrator, and kill them. Slowly. Then he shoved one of the candy sticks in his mouth, since it was better than nothing.


	4. Doujinshi, vol 3

Title: Doujinshi – Volume 3  
Rating: PG-13 probably… maybe?  
Word count: 300  
Pairing: None that they intend.  
Posted: 8/18/04  
Topic: Bad Habits

A creaking board was all the warning he needed.

Zoro drew a sword as he spun, leveling it just below Ussop's nose. The sharpshooter 'eeped' and quickly shuffled back a few steps; out of the perceivable range of the blades. Part of his brain knew this was pointless, there was /no/ 'out of range' where Zoro was concerned, but it made him feel better.

Over the last few weeks, Ussop had noticed a certain green haired crewmate had started acting strangely. Well, stranger than usual anyway. Anxious, jumpy - paranoid even. So, with no slight trepidation but a desire to help, he had sought out said crewmate.

He was regretting it immensely now.

Behind the glinting steal, Zoro glared disturbingly. "Oh, it's your turn? And what do /you/ want to do to me?"

"N-nothing!", Ussop squeaked in a higher pitch than he had intended. The man holding the sword didn't look convinced, so he carefully backed out of the room, and bolted for the safety of numbers. Maybe he'd try again, when he wasn't as likely to die.

Nami, being omnipotent, overheard this exchange and had an idea. She couldn't wait for nightfall.

---

Some grunting, cursing, and heaving later- Ussop awoke, to his terror, draped over the couch and an unconscious Zoro. The state of their clothing left something to be desired.

He fainted dead away- with the fleeting hope this was all a dream, and if it wasn't - that Zoro would kill him while he was still out, rather than wait for a conscious opponent.

This left an opening for Nami to finish her work. She eyed the other sleeping crewmembers from her hiding spot with a calculating gaze.

Volume three was banned in several countries. Those that allowed its sale, well made up for the loss.


	5. Adventure

Title: Adventure  
Rating: G  
Pairing: Er… no  
Topic: **Luffy** and/or **Usopp**  
Word Count: 310  
Posted: 8/26/04

Adventure.

Funny word, isn't it? _Adventure_. It makes you think of something fun; some wild time you look forward to, and boast about when you return.

It did _not_ bring to mind constant marine attacks, rival pirates or the general populous' rampant desire to kill you.

Upon reflection, Ussop realized this fit _Luffy's_ description perfectly.

"Lets go on an adventure, Ussop!" That's how it started. An innocent request, and the port seamed safe enough- no monsters or man-eating beasts like the last two times he heard the 'A-word' from his captain.

He should have known.

Currently, he was knock-kneed but standing, more or less bravely, between two mobs just waiting to tear him and each other apart. The formerly mentioned captain was nowhere to be found.

He wondered which group would be safer to face, the Pirates or the Marines- but decided it was hopeless either way. Still...

"S-stop right there! I am the T-terible C-captian Ussop, and at my signal, 90 Million men will attack!"

That never worked, but it was worth a shot.

"Really? Sugoi!"

And then there was Luffy. Ok, _sometimes_ it worked.

"And here's one now- Luffy, go get 'em!"

With a hand between rubber shoulders, he pushed his captain toward the onrushing pirates. And Ran.

They would argue later, over who's fault it was. Luffy's, obviously- he's the one who broke their ships... but Ussop knew he didn't really mind anyway. It all came with the 'adventure'.

He hated being saved, he really did. But it was good to know Luffy was there. Because he knew, with absolute certainty where his captain was concerned- he would never allow anyone to hurt his Nakama.

He would get stronger, over time. And he would stand on his own. But for now, he had time to grow at his own pace. His leg muscles were already getting impressive...


	6. Omake: Doujinshi, vol 3

Originally posted: 8/26/04  
(The below leading notes appeared in the original post: reference added for context)

So, I was lamenting my inability to write Ussop (as seen in the above story that failed miserably at being fluff as it was intended... [referenced 'Adventure']) and this popped out of my head. God help me, Slashslut!Nami may just be making another appearance later- I can't seem to get away from this...

I _totally blew_the word count, but it wanted to be so much longer, and this was the most I could make myself crop it. Its good for a laugh at least. This is only a side story to Doujinshi 3... so, er... it, unfortunately, does not produce any sales for Nami. Sorry, Nami.

Title: Omake  
Rating: PG?  
Word Count: (a freaking huge) 369  
Pairing: ZoroxUssop... IN HIS HEAD! (or maybe not) Muahahaha~!  
Topic: Off topic

Consciousness is a funny thing. Sometimes it just creeps up on you. Like now. Slowly, awareness dawned on Ussop. The first thing he noticed was warmth. It was comfortable, and soft, and he snuggled into it.

When he noticed that warmth was breathing, consciousness came rushing back at speed. Eyes snapped open to find a _very awake _Zoro staring up at him.

His breath caught as he froze, terror flooding back into his system. He remembered now.

The swordsman looked oddly resigned, shifting his gaze toward the ceiling.

"What did you do?" The voice was low, subdued. And scared the shit out of him.

Ussop cowered, sliding a few inches down the other man's body in an attempt to get away. This made him grasp just what they weren't wearing, and he realized just how dead he was. Throwing arms over his head, he squeaked out, "n-nothing... I swear. I just woke up here -"

A hand came to rest on the back of his head, and he tensed again. There would be a squeeze, and then... squish! He just knew it. Zoro could do it, he was strong like that.

But a minute passed and his head was still there, so Ussop looked up. Zoro hadn't moved.

"Just go back to sleep."

Confused, he almost jumped when the swordsman's other arm came up to wrap around his back. Slowly, apprehensively, he relaxed as bidden. You don't argue with Zoro. Even if you didn't expect to wake back up again.

-Later [Early Morning]-

He felt a shoulder shake, and mumbled something incoherent, too comfortable to want to move- but a more insistent shake made him open his eyes.

He froze, terrified again, under the weight of Zoro's glare. A small portion of his brain still able to work processed this and came to the conclusion that he must have been dreaming.

Damn.

He was going to die.

Zoro stared impassively at the ceiling, belying his next calm words with their content.

"If you get off of me and out of my sight _right now_, I'll let you live."

It is possible that a new landspeed record was made that day. Zoro smirked, just happy he wasn't the bottom this time.


End file.

One Piece