Naruto 1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: This totally wasn't inspired by a certain thread on Spacebattles.

Chapter 1: Uchiha Itachi and the Power of Hatred

"Good morning mother, power of hatred." Itachi greeted Mikoto calmly.

Mikoto blinked. Her older son had always been an odd one, especially since he had been taken under the wing of the Yondaime Hokage's mysterious younger brother, but this was strange, even for him.

"Good morning, Itachi," she responded carefully. "Are you feeling well today?"

"I am fine, mother, power of hatred," Itachi replied, "Naruto-sensei has asked to meet me early today, so I felt I should inform you beforehand, power of hatred."

"Ah, that's nice dear," Mikoto said, trying her best to ignore the various things in the world that were trying to tear her away from her happy place. "Will you need me to prepare a bento for you today?"

"It is fine mother, power of hatred. Naruto-sensei is planning to take us to ramen for lunch, power of hatred."

Mikoto frowned. "Now that won't do at all. You need to get your nutrients if you want to grow up properly."

"Do not worry, mother, power of hatred. I will make sure to balance my diet, power of hatred."

"By the way, Itachi..."

"Yes mother, power of hatred?"

"Are you using 'power of hatred' as a verbal tic?"

"Why yes, mother, power of hatred. Naruto-sensei said that if I wanted to be 'super-awesome' like him, I should try to find a phrase to suit me, power of hatred. He suggested that I use 'Power of hatred', since 'Believe it' was already taken, power of hatred."

Mikoto blinked once, then twice.

"You know what?" she groaned, "I don't even care anymore. Just... go do what Naruto-sensei wants you to do, and Fugaku can sort it out later. I don't know anything about this."

"Very well then, power of hatred." Itachi stood and bowed. "Goodbye mother, power of hatred."

Mikoto just sighed.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Uchiha Itachi and the Annoying Kids

"'Tachi-nii-san is mine!"

"No! Nii-san is mine you stoo-pid girl! Don't give him your cooties!"

"I don't have cooties, Sasuke-baka! 'Tachi-nii-san, tell him I don't have cooties!"

Itachi sighed as he reflected on how he had gotten into this situation.

Today, when he had woken up, there had been a note by his bedside. Apparently, something urgent had come up, and he was to babysit Sasuke for the day.

This was nothing unusual. His brother was a well-behaved and polite child, and rarely provided any trouble to his dear "Nii-san".

The problems had only begun around an hour later when he had heard frantic knocking on the door. When he opened it, he had been confronted by Naruto-sensei's familiar form. However, before he could greet his teacher, the man shoved Naruko, the Yondaime Hokage's young daughter, into his apprentice's hands. Then, he'd said something that sounded like "Sorryhavetorunlookafterhertilleveningbye!" before suddenly dashing off without waiting for a response.

Which was why Itachi was now faced with this conundrum.

The two children, usually so well behaved when alone, became absolute hellions when placed together. They punched, they scratched, they destroyed living rooms, and Itachi had been at the center of the entire thing.

Now, the two of them were arguing over which one of them "Itachi-nii-san" belonged to, using his poor, abused body as a rope in their game of tug-of-war.

Really, if there was only a way in which he could get them to understand each other...

Wait a second! That was it!

XXX

Mikoto rubbed her forehead.

"And that was why you did this?" she asked, looking at the makeshift fighting ring that Itachi had set up in Training Ground 7, where Naruko and Sasuke were now proceeding to punch, kick, bite and tear out each other's hair with their bare hands.

"Yes," Itachi nodded sagely. "I followed Naruto-sensei's advice in the matter. At the end of this, there is no doubt that they will be the best of friends."

Naruko managed to bite Sasuke's ear as the boy scratched at her face, and Itachi heard his brother shriek in pain.

"And just how do you figure that will happen?" Mikoto asked drily.

Sasuke caught Naruko's elbow and started to bend it at an angle which elbows should _not_ be bent at as the girl thrashed and screamed bloody murder in his grip. It looked extremely painful.

Itachi looked up, his face still completely composed and serious. "Naruto-sensei has always told me that when two shinobi's fists meet in combat, they begin to truly understand each other. After seeing Sasuke and Naruko's fighting, I decided that applying this principle in reality would be the best way to make them befriend one another."

The two children collapsed, seemingly spent after their battle.

Mikoto just sighed again.

XXX

_Fifteen years later…_

"Do you, Uchiha Sasuke, take Namikaze Naruko to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do."

"And do you, Namikaze Naruko, take Uchiha Sasuke to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

"Then I hereby pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

_Hm._ Itachi thought, observing his brother and the Yondaime's daughter smooching very loudly and at length in front of the crowd. _Perhaps scheduling those weekly sparring sessions _was_ taking it a bit too far…_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Uchiha Itachi and the Nature of Reality

Itachi frowned.

"Naruto-sensei, why did you charge forward like that during the last mission? It defies all common sense. You nearly got yourself killed," he asked matter-of-factly.

Naruto, who was currently grinning while slurping down his bowl of ramen, looked at his student.

"Well, Itachi, just because it's someone else's common sense doesn't mean that I have to follow it, right? We won, after all, so what does it matter?"

"But Naruto-sensei, what you did was completely illogical. We had a perfect ambush set up. Why would you break it up in favor of a headfirst charge into battle?"

"Well," Naruto said, slowly chewing another mouthful, "isn't waiting around boring? Charging in was so much more fun!"

"But… I… It doesn't make sense!"

Naruto sighed and looked down at his student.

"Itachi, let me tell you something I heard once from my old best friend's insane older brother."

He grinned.

"People live their lives bound by what they accept as correct and true. That's how they define "reality". But what does it mean to be "correct" or "true"? Merely vague concepts… their "reality" may all be a mirage. Can we consider them to simply be living in their own world, shaped by their beliefs?" He quoted word-for-word.

"Now," he continued after a moment of silence, "do you understand?"

Itachi's frown grew wider for a moment before he suddenly had a flash of understanding.

"Yes…" he whispered. "I understand. What a profound lesson…"

Naruto's smile grew wider. "Well then, since you get it, let's move on to other things!"

XXX

When Itachi came home that evening, he was confronted by the figure of his father sitting in the living room, sorting through some papers while his mother prepared food on the stove.

"Hm. So you have returned." Fugaku harrumphed in that incredibly Fugaku-ish manner of his.

"Yes, father," Itachi responded, bowing respectfully. "I have had a most productive day."

"Oh? And just what lessons have you taken away from Naruto's instruction today?"

Itachi frowned for a moment, thinking about how exactly to express the profound revelation he had received that day, before finally replying. "Today, Naruto-sensei taught me that common sense is a mirage, and that I should force reality to submit to all of my whims. In addition to this, I learned that Naruto-sensei's old best friend's insane older brother was a figure to admire and who had much profound advice which he shared with the next generation of shinobi."

For a moment there was complete silence in the house.

And then, with a grunt, Fugaku gave a nod of approval. "It is good to see that Naruto is giving you an education befitting a true Uchiha. Perhaps I shall see about assigning Sasuke to his team as well, once he graduates."

Mikoto turned off the stove, and walked out the room wearing a small, pleasant smile.

She was still wearing that same pleasant smile as she went up to her bedroom.

She was also still wearing that smile when she threw herself onto the bed and started screaming into the pillow.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Uchiha Itachi and His Custom Training Outfit

When Itachi walked into the living room, as he always did when he got home, his father was reviewing papers in the middle of the room (as usual) and his mother was cooking (as usual).

A moment after his older son entered, Fugaku looked up from his papers and frowned at him.

"Hm. Itachi, just what are you wearing?"

At that, Mikoto looked up to observe what Fugaku was talking about. When she did, she gasped.

The younger Uchiha was currently clad in a skintight spandex suit of the most garish green color that Mikoto had ever seen. In addition to this, his hair had been formed into a bowl-cut, and his eyebrows…

Oh god! What had they done to her poor baby's eyebrows?

"Itachi!" she quickly moved next to her son. "Who did this you?"

Itachi nodded seriously, and in an idle moment, Mikoto noticed that her son's face was still as serious and composed as always.

"Naruto-sensei had Maito Gai-san get me a set of this training clothing." He responded calmly. "Gai-san told me that wearing these clothes would enhance my 'power of youth', and while I am not certain what this 'power of youth' is, I hypothesized that it had something to do with avoiding premature aging. As such, I concluded that to gain the maximum benefit, I should wear them all day long."

Mikoto felt her eye twitch once, then twice. "And the haircut and eyebrows?"

"Naruto-sensei claimed it would enhance the effect on my 'power of youth' further."

Mikoto's face came crashing down into her palm. When she spoke up, her voice was filled with quiet menace.

"Take it off, now, and don't ever-"

"Wait, Mikoto." Fugaku interrupted, calmly overriding his wife's voice. "I must ask Itachi something first."

The Uchiha Patriarch carefully looked at his son, whose arms had moved protectively to cradle around the suit.

"Hm. Itachi, it seems that you are rather attached to that suit."

Itachi nodded. "Indeed I am, father. Naruto-sensei told me that only a true man would be able to wear this training suit for a whole month straight. I wish to prove myself in his eyes." He said seriously.

Fugaku sent a searching gaze at his son's face before nodding in approval after a few moments.

"Hm. It seems you have reached a man's resolution. I see that there will be no turning you from this path."

Mikoto's jaw dropped open. This couldn't- She wouldn't-

"Fugaku!" She screeched at her utter _moron_ of a husband. "You can't seriously be-"

"Silence, Mikoto!" Fugaku roared. "Our son has reached a man's resolution, and as parents, it is our duty to aid him in the path he has chosen!"

The Uchiha Matriarch's mouth started flopping open and closed like a dying fish's. This- Why- What-

"B-b-but what will the clan think about this?" She asked in one last, desperate, but ultimately futile attempt to change her husband's mind.

Fugaku scratched his chin in thought for a bit before slowly answering. "Hm. Do not worry, and leave the clan to me."

XXX

_One week later_

"Good morning, Mikoto-sama!" The group of young genin greeted her as they jogged past, all of them wearing full-green spandex jumpsuits.

"Mikoto-sama, these annual reports need filing. Could you give them to your husband for me?" Tekka-san said, also wearing the full-green spandex jumpsuit.

"Nice clothes, Mikoto-sama! They suit you well!" A chūnin passing by the clan head's home, also wearing a full-green spandex jumpsuit, commented on Mikoto's own full-green spandex jumpsuit.

"Hm." Fugaku's voice came from inside the house. "It is good to see that Itachi is being made welcome. Perhaps I should introduce these clothes as regulation uniform for the police force…"

Mikoto couldn't help it. She started crying.

_What did I do to deserve this?_


End file.

Naruto, Humor