Harry Potter 1. Chapter One: Miss Hermione Granger

**Hello readers! Welcome to the newest edition of **_**Wizards Insider**_**, the acclaimed magazine with the intention of bringing **_**you **_**the latest updates of the wizarding world's most famous inhabitants. This week, we have the pleasure of interviewing the ever brilliant Hermione Granger, who has agreed to answer some scandalous questions surrounding her love life, the infamous Golden Trio set up, and just how she got so many Outstandings in her N. E. W. Ts Was it all brain, or did she do a little extra to get those marks, if you know what we mean. **

N… no, I got those marks by turning up to my exams actua-

**So, Miss Granger! How have you been since the Dark Lord, the ever looming purveyor of doom and gloom, met his demise at the hands of what some say is your next step on the ladder of love?**

What? I'm about to get married to Ronald Weasley actually… we released this only the other da-

**Ah, not talking, I see? Well, there's not need to worry, dear. We don't judge if the ginger whinger got to be too much to handle!**

No… I'm serious. Look, here's the engagement ring.

**For all of our readers, Miss Granger is currently showing me a **_**beautiful **_**ring that has been placed on her finger by someone who is clearly not that well off. Only 2 carat gold, Miss Granger?**

I think you'll find it's actually [takes ring off to inspect]… oh. Oh, it really is only 2 carats. Erm… carry on then, I suppose.

**In all seriousness Miss Granger, would it not have made more sense to marry the wizarding world's saviour? I mean, along with all the mystery and intrigue surrounding one Mr Harry Potter, we at **_**Wizards Insider **_**have to admit, that man is one hot cauldron cake!**

Well, no, actually Sarah. There are reasons for this, other than the fact that Harry is like a brother to me, and that Ron is the love of my life, but these are not to be discussed on live air, thank _you_.

**Ooh, I sense scandal! A broken heart, perhaps? A rejection? Give us the low-down, we're positively dying to know the details!**

As I just said, no comment on this. That would be Harry's business alone, I believe.

**Hmm. Well, I'm sure we'll return to that later in the interview. There's not one question I have ever asked that hasn't been answered eventually, Miss Granger. Now, we have some questions asked from the general public about everything Hermione, so let's move on shall we? **

This sounds like a better idea…

**Our first question is from Albert Stugovitch; Al wants to know just how you managed to tame the unruly mop that you used to parade around in at the tender age of eleven. What's your secret?**

The fact that I cut it all off to get a pixie cut, maybe?

**Oh. Okay. Our next question is from one Madro Clofay. He wants to know, how **_**did **_**you manage to get rid of those pesky beaver teeth? **

Madro Clofoy? What sort of name is that? And what beaver teeth are they talking about?

**Readers, Miss Granger has just gone a darling shade of cerise. I think somebody's a little embarrassed! **

I am not!

**Are!**

Not.

**Miss Granger, our next question is from Lucy Gillbert, from Carlisle. She wants to know how good… ahem. We'll leave that question, actually. **

I dread to think…

**Rumours are abound at the moment over you and Ginny Weasley. Please tell us if it is true or not that you and your fiancé threw her from your home when she called you a "frizzy haired know-it-all" and said that you didn't deserve to breathe in the same airspace as your brother.**

Er… what? How on earth did you hear about th- oh wait. Erm. Nope. Never happened.

**Hmm. I sense some lying there. Shame we can't get veritaserum to get completely truthful answers here. Damn human rights. **

Er, you know your pen's still recording… right?

**Oh yes! The readers love a bit of banter, don't you? Moving on. Who did you spend Sunday evening with this weekend?**

Well, as usual, I spent it cooking a meal for Ron, Harry and Dr- oh crap.

**Dr? Draco? Draco Malfoy? Why was he at your house, Miss Granger? **

No reason… [Miss Granger looks faintly ill, readers! There's something going on here!]

_**Harry **_**and Draco? Is this why you were reluctant to answer my earlier questions? Miss Granger? MISS GRANGER, COME BACK! We aren't finished here… **

**Well, readers, whilst my security guards try to locate Miss Granger, we shall cut to the magazine's commercial!**

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	2. Chapter Two: Ms Luna Lovegood

**Wizards and Witches! Welcome to the newest issue of Wizards Insider; special promotion sale value of only 15 knuts! In this week's issue, we have all the greatest tips on magical stains and how to remove them, the low down on Gilderoy Lockheart's heart stopping escape from St Mungo's this weekend, and a special feature focusing on the insane antics of one Luna Lovegood and partner, from her successful capture of the illusive Nargle, to her daring dive from the top of the Niagara Falls in attempt to fool a rampaging Crumple Horned Snorcack. Hmm…**

**Ms Lovegood, so pleased to finally meet you. How have you been?**

Hmm? Oh. Hello. Is that a Gigglypuff tail?

**Erm, no, Ms Lovegood. That is a feather necklace. Anyway; it is common knowledge in the wizarding world that you have recently met the man of your dreams! Tell us all.**

You mean Rolf? Well, I wouldn't really call him the man of my dreams. He seems to rather like wearing my skirts…

**Oh. Well then. What do you have to say about that?**

I think he looks nice. He looks especially pretty in my lilac hobble skirt…

**Moving on… for so many years, Ms Lovegood, you have been defending the existence of the once thought make believe Nargle. Tell us how you happened to find it- we at Wizards Insider hear it was a rather dangerous adventure!**

It was hiding in a barrel around Christmas time. Rolf had pulled down the mistletoe… [Ms Lovegood is blushing] and if leapt out. It took us three days to find it… half of my things disappeared.

**Oh, that's terrible! Did they turn up?**

Yes… we found my sneakers on the roof. Rolf's glasses turned up at the bottom of the fish pond. It was all rather dramatic, really… Bernie's been trained a little better since, I suppose.

**B…Bernie? **

Yes, we named her. Though she still seems to like stealing stray carrot tops from the compost bin outside…

**Riight… well, glad to know that - Bernie? - is being looked after, I suppose. Now, tell us all about your daring escape from the clutches of the Crumple Horned Snorcack in North America. The one that no one else seems to have actually, well, **_**seen**_**.**

The water was very cold. Bracing really. Rather fun though. You should try it some time.

**I'd rather not. **

Hmm. Well, it really was interesting. I saw some Snarts on the way down… darling things really - you know they only come out when you're thinking of food?

**Of course, dear. Of course. Now, onto the **_**really **_**interesting side of things; your new found friendship with the Golden Trio, Harry Potter in particular. How d'you like to dish the dirt?**

How is it new found? I met them in our fifth year of Hogwarts… I'd hardly call that new. There's no dirt to dish - oh, I invented a new form of vegan wizarding food; it incorporates soil, maple syrup, and garden gnome fe-

**Yes, yes, of course. Thrilling. But what about the Golden Trio? Have they been having any interesting meetings and such lately?**

I don't know what you could mean by interesting. The only interesting thing is Harry's affinity for attracting Wrackspurts. It's rather funny really, the other day, we had a fancy dress party… All it took was Draco in a pixie costume and he- oh.

**Draco? We seem to be hearing a lot about Draco these days, Ms Lovegood.**

Well, he _is _a good family friend…

**Even after everything that happened in your school days? Even after he tried to ki-**

I think that's enough.

**I was only-**

You're very rude.

**Well I…**

I think I shall leave now.

**Hey! The interview isn't over! Security! SECURITY! Why does this keep happening?**

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Harry Potter, Humor