Ninja Turtles 1. Chapter 1

**I'm so incredibly productive today I thought it would be nice to start a new story I had in mind. My friend dared me to write a story completely evolving around vengeance so here's what I came up with. There will be a bad guy not mentioned in the actual series but he'll just be a foot ninja who has some issues. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. I just named the bad guy and came up with his story but that's it. **

**Chapter 1: Defenseless**

"_Mikey, Run!" I shout. The knucklehead doesn't listen and keeps fighting, keeping me safe in the process. Those Foot shot me with a dart and I can't friggin' move right now. Don and Leo are somewhere else. We kinda lost them in the fight. Mike's now the only one standing in between me and a sea of Foot but the dumbass ain't smart enough to just leave. Not that I wouldn't have done the same. _

_Eventually Mikey's hit with a dart too. I growl when the ninja step closer towards my baby brother but they only laugh. I get even more furious but because I can't move, there ain't much I can do for me or Mikey now._

_When they finally stand in front of both of us, two of them grab me by my arms and hold me up. I try to fight but my muscles just won't respond. They don't grab Mike however. Instead, they pounce on him, makin' me watch it. I growl again, I curse and I shout but they only beat harder on him when I do. _

_They quit after god knows how long. I'm sure Mike's out and I'm actually glad for that. He must've hurt. He must've felt helpless when he couldn't move while being kicked and punched within an inch of his life! At least he's know asleep. _

_They grab him by his arms and drag him away. I start cursing again, telling them to keep their dirty hands off of ma brother! But before I can say anything more, something hard slams on the top of my head and all I can see is darkness. _

I groan lowly. Worst nightmare ever, I think. I try and feel for a blanket because it's much colder than I thought it was before I went to sleep. When I let my hands reach around me, however, all I can come up with his a cold stone floor. Damn it! No dream.

I force my eyes open and see nothing but rock. I turn around and wince at the headache it causes. On the other side I can see bars which separate the room I'm in from some sort of hallway made out of stone. The other two walls in the crappy cell are made out of rough rock too. A light bulb dangles on the celling of the hallway but the light it gives off is only feint. I'll have to wait for my eyes to get used to the darkness I guess.

It doesn't take that long for them to do so and when I manage to sit up, the first thing I spot is another shell. I crawl over and see it's Mikey. He's lying face down which can't be that comfortable. I turn him around and flinch. His face is swollen and covered in black and blue bruises. His lip is split too. His arms and legs look a little better but still should be sore. His plastron took the brunt of most of the kicks aimed for his stomach though. I don't think that will be bothering him. I try to place Mike somewhat more comfortable but the movements wake him up.

"Hey buddy," I whisper when his eyes open. He smiles slightly at me and sits up. He gasps however and holds his head with both of his hands. I can only imagine the head rush he must be having right now. He didn't only get knocked out but he also got beaten up.

I tug his arm and move him a little bit backward so we're both sitting against the back of our cell. I try to shelter his face from the small light in the hallway so it won't make his headache worse.

"You doin' okay, Mike?" I ask him, although I know he can't really feel at his best right now.

"Yeah it's passing," my little brother mutters but he keeps wincing every now and then. He smiles at me though. "You remember what whacko we got caught by this time?" He asks me.

"'s the Foot," I tell him. "Can't you remember? They beat the snot outta ya." For a small moment I feel worried. What if he's got a concussion or somethin'? According to Donnie you could fall into a coma if you have that. And this isn't the time to be dealing with comas, right now. We need to get out.

"Oh, yeah. I remember," Mike mutters to my relief. "Wow, that's why my face hurts so much then."

Even in the dim light I can see where Mikey's face is blue instead of green and I guess he can just count his lucky stars that he can still see with both of his eyes. It still worries me though. Why did they only beat him up? Why not me?

Suddenly I feel a body resting against mine. "It's cold in here, Raph."

I lean closer to Mikey and wrap an arm around his slightly shaking shoulders. "I know kid. Let's just try to sleep some more because I think it's still night. Feels like it though. After sleeping, we can do a jailbreak and get back home where it's warm."

Mikey chuckles slightly and settles against my side, head on my shoulder. "Sure thing. Hope Leo and Donnie will help us out a little though."

I nod and lay my head on top of his. Leo and Donnie. They better be okay or I'll kill them personally. But still, I kinda hope they're here with us. Bein' alone and captured, it's hell. For me it has always been the more, the better because escaping plans are easier with more. Also, the ones not captured wouldn't have a single clue where the captured ones where. That always went wrong.

I slip into a slightly more comfortable position and notice Mike's already back asleep again. I'm not going to sleep however. I need to watch over him. At least until we're out of here.

**So here it starts. A nice old kidnap fic with some brotherly fluff (cuss who doesn't love that?) and some brutal torture (cuss that will lead to more brotherly fluff, eventually). I'll introduce you to my bad guy in the next chapter, after you told me if you hated this or loved this or want to kill me for this. So I'll just wait for that. And yeah Athese, you inspired me some :p See ya**


	2. Chapter 2

**Apparently people are reading this thing so I consider that as a reason to update the second chapter. Thanks for everyone who follows and fovourited this story and a special thanks for everyone who took the time to review!**

**Chapter 2: current**

I think it has only been half an hour of sleep for Mikey when those GI Joes figures decide to wake him up. They're only with two and kind of noisy so no ninjas or anything. I glance towards my little brother who's slowly sitting up. He looks a bit dizzy but otherwise okay. I think he can handle one of those guys, even after being beaten up, for long enough for me to knock them both out. Could work with a some precision.

I lock eyes with Mike and give him a slight nod. His eyes change slightly, determination and a spark of joy filling them up. Leave it to him to have some fun when doing a jailbreak. He gives me a nod in return and stands up. I do the same and take a stance in front of him. If they planned some trick, they'll have to use it on me first. No way they're gonna hurt him any more.

The door of our cell is opened and both of the guys step inside. I glare at them but they don't seem to mind at all. They look kinda confident for two dudes without weapons. Sure, me and Mike don't have any either but they must know we can fight. You would expect them to have some kind of gear with them at the very least.

"You," they point at Mikey. "Come here."

In the corner of my eye I can see Mikey taking a step forwards but I immediately push him back.

"He ain't goin' anywhere," I say lowly, trying not to rip one of their heads off right now. I turn around to glare at Mike too. "You ain't goin' anywhere, understand?"

He nods his head but doesn't meet my eyes. What's wrong with him now? He really wanted to go along with those guys? But before I can do anything else a thousand needles pierce my veins from the inside out. The current of electricity keeps flowing for only a few seconds but leaves both me and Mikey panting on the floor, completely immobile. I stare at the ground and can just see the rubber soles of the bastards when they walk past. Smart move, I think sourly.

They grab Mike's arms and drag him away. I want to move although every muscle in my body tells me not too. But after a quick glance of my little brother's fearful blue eyes, I try and get up anyways. It works somewhat. My arms work and don't hurt that much. But when I stand up, my legs seem to be the problem as they give out. I try to do something, anything, but probably only look like some pathetic animal to them.

They take Mikey and leave me alone in the cell. Nothing I can do.

TMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNT

It takes me an awful long time to get the feeling back into my legs. Stupid electricity. That's why the floor is so damp here. There must be… I feel along the dirt and notice a cable running through the cage. There are more and they're stuck to the ground; covered with wet dirt. Damn it.

While I try to come up with an idea to get the cables out or malfunctioning, I hear something coming from the hallway again. The GI Joes figures come back and open up the door again. I'm not interested in breaking out though, because of the convulsing figure they hold in their arms. They drop Mikey to the ground and quickly shut the door again; walking away. I don't notice it.

I hold my baby brother close and try to see what is wrong with him. His body is spasming wildly and his breaths are ragged. I push him back against the wall in a sitting position and hold him by both of his shoulders.

"Calm breaths kid. Just do it like me alright," I tell him. I try to take normal breaths but it isn't that easy as my heart is racing. What did they do to him?

Mike tries to mimic my breathing and after a while it works. He still has tremors now and then but his shaking has decreased. After another few gulps of air he smiles up at me, silently thanking me. I don't smile back though and quickly take a look over the rest of his body. He's got some burn marks but other than that he looks fine to me. That doesn't explain the spasming and breathing issues though.

I go and sit next to Mikey, wrapping an arm around his shoulders again. He must be exhausted. "What happened in there Mikey? Who did it and why?"

It takes the kid a long time to answer me but when he does, he starts shaking again.

"I don't know Raph," he whispers. "I don't know who he is. They brought me to some kind of room. It was all black in there and when the lights were out, I couldn't see a thing. But they were on in the beginning. This dude came up to me and told me it was all my older brother's fault I was there. He didn't say anything more and turned around again. That's when those soldier-guys started to put on those white pads on my arms, chest and legs. I remembered seeing them on tv."

I know exactly where this is going. We've all seen those cheesy horror flicks Mikey loves to watch. And after everything that happened just a few hours ago, when they tried to steal Mike away from me, I'm sure I know what my youngest brother just went through.

"They used it for so long," Mikey says suddenly, and I grip him tighter. He doesn't need to go on. "And then they turned off the lights and I just lay there screaming my head off in the pitch black. I only saw sparks flying around now and then. They did it for so long."

I sigh and start rubbing his arm a bit. A little rough apparently because he hisses slightly because of the bruises. I stop after the sound and decide to ask him the one question which bothered me all those hours my brother has been electrocuted.

"You knew about the cables, didn't you? That's why you were so willingly to go with them."

He slowly nods and looks at me with guilt swimming in his eyes. The nod only calms me down though. It means my little brother hasn't given up this easily yet.

"I didn't really know there were cables, but I saw the remote in one of those guys' hand. I didn't want you to get hurt by whatever he wanted to do."

I almost punch myself at not having seen anything. I searched them for weapons but didn't look for anything as small as a remote. It seemed harmless at the time. Of course Mikey would never see it like that though. Whatever Mike doesn't know, he's afraid of. He's been like that since he was very young.

Another tremor vibrates through his body. I squeeze his arm with my one hand while the other gently pulls my baby brother closer to my body, letting him lean against me. "Go to sleep kid," I say. "God knows you need it. I'm here."

Only after adding that last sentence, does Mikey actually close his eyes. He snuggles a little up to me but I don't mind. As long as he's comfortable it doesn't matter.

I stare through the bars that keep us in, down the hallway. I'll see it when they come in again. And when they do, they'll have something coming for them. Someone angry, fierce and not afraid if he has to kill to protect the ones that matter.

**So that was it. What do you guys think? Make it more evil or do more brotherly fluff cuss I'm not sure? Maybe I'll just do both. At least leave a review because they fuel my imagination and I need that. See ya**


	3. Chapter 3

**So here is another quick chapter before going to my niece's birthday party. Nothing better to start the day than with brutal torture right?**

**Chapter 3: Demolishing **

I curse loudly when my left leg starts to twitch again. Those guys came back for Mikey and of course I didn't step out of the way. Suckers electrocuted us again and they took Mike. Why can't they start torturing me already! The kid's had enough. He has been spasming the whole time when he was asleep and woke up screaming because of a nightmare. I couldn't even take hold of him well because of his bruises and burns. He started trashing when I tried to wake him up and even kicked me in my chest.

He can't handle torture. His dreams will drive him crazy and being awake will only make him more afraid. I just hope, and god forbid it will ever come to this, that he will die before he breaks. He will be better off dead than broken, I know that. What I don't know is why they do this to him. What the hell did Mike do that he deserves this. The kid never even killed anyone before. Not like me.

And I don't get the 'it's your older brother's fault' thing. What the hell?! Which older brother anyway. I guess it could be me but I still don't get it. I tried to protect him, didn't I? If that bastard would just show his ugly face in front of me instead of cowering away and letting my little brother taking the brunt of his psychotic actions.

I'm so drowned in my own moody thoughts I don't notice the hallway door being opened. I'm ready however, when they shove Mike inside our cell. I catch him before he makes a nosedive into the floor. I'm glad he isn't spasming all over this time. Still, they must've hurt him some way. I just don't know what it is yet.

"Mike. You alright, buddy?" I ask him softly. The door of the hallway is closed with a loud clang which makes Mikey stir a little. It's a good thing he's awake but he immediately starts gasping, tears brimming his eyes. A sort of strangled sound escapes his mouth so I try to put him down as carefully as I can. I've made his wounds, unintentionally, hurt worse before and I don't want to do that again.

"C'mon I need ya to talk ta me lil' brother."

Another gasp and this time some tears flood over. I try to check him over but it's kinda dark. I decide to move him closer to the hallway because of the lightbulb hanging there. With every move I make, Mikey whimpers louder but he doesn't scream. I'm glad for that. No need to alert those wackos of how much damage they actually caused.

When I place him on the ground again, I take a step back. I try not to hurl at the awful sight of his green skin lighted up by the lamp. Some parts of his legs and arms are just… _eaten_ away it seems. Blood is pouring out of the wounds and they seem a little orange/yellowish. What did those freaks do?

In total there are 9 wounds. Four on his left leg, one on his right and two on both of his arms. They are all kind of sizzling it seems. I want to curse and scream and smash their heads in but there is nowhere I can go. The only thing I can do now is comfort Mikey and that is one thing I'm just no good at.

"What do you think, creature," I suddenly hear behind me. I turn around and stare into a dark face. The man isn't that long and looks Italian to me (A/N I do not want to offend any Italians but I just wanted this guy to be Italian). His black hair is gelled and his is wearing some black jeans and a black t-shirt with a v-line. The way he sneaked up upon us tells me he is a better ninja than those minions of his. On the other hand, I was kinda bussy ten seconds ago so that's probably why I didn't see him coming.

"What did you do to my brother?" I hiss lowly, not giving him the satisfaction to see how angry I really am. The smart-ass is smirking at me which only adds fuel to the fire. He's so dead when I'm through with him. If he only would be man enough to fight me.

"Did some experimenting with acid, my friend," he replies smugly. "It does the trick well I think. But don't you worry. It's washable with water."

He throws me two bottles. They fall to the ground and roll towards my feet. I don't pick them up yet. I need answers first.

"Why are you doin' this freak?" I growl in the same low tone as I did before. It doesn't sound calm or managed by far which makes the guy only smile broader. He's enjoying this game.

"Would you really talk with me right now while you have a brother suffering at your feet? You are more of a monster than I originally thought."

I slowly pick up the water bottles and move towards Mikey. I don't trust this at all. He has a point though, Mike's suffering badly. But there is just something off with this. I unscrew the bottle and see the Italian freak inch closer slightly. What does he wanna see so badly?

I take the bottle and move it towards Mikey's left leg. It's the worst. But just before I pour the contents of it over the wounds, I let a few drops spill over my wrist. I cry out as the acid starts eating away on my flesh. It burns like hell and I feel warm liquid pouring down my arm.

I growl towards the laughing man. "You're smarter than you look I must give you that much," he snickers before stalking off.

I take a glance towards Mikey's shaking form and pick up the other bottle. It can't be he just let us here to die. The other bottle must contain water. I throw a little over the wound on my wrist and feel the bliss that comes with the cool water. The acid immediately stops working and some of the blood washes off too. I don't use too much though because Mikey is having a harder time than I have.

After cleaning all of his wounds thoroughly I sit him up against the back of the wall again. He isn't whimpering anymore but he's kinda out of it. I give him the last drops of water to drink and let him lean against me again. He doesn't go to sleep but he doesn't say anything either.

I enjoy the silence for a bit, holding my brother to offer him some comfort which I know isn't enough. He must be terrified and hurt. There's just nothing I can do for him and that makes me feel useless. I can't protect him if they keep separating us like this.

And what's worse, they wanted _me_ to hurt him. If I had used that bottle without a second of doubt, Mike would have been hurt by his older brother. And slowly but surely I start to have the feeling that this isn't about taking revenge on Mikey at all. It's his older brother's fault after all.

**So I hope you like my badguy a bit. No worries, we'll find out about him more in other chapters. Maybe he even gets a name 0.o See ya all soon and don't forget to review. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for all the reviews, guys. You are amazing! You can al give yourself a pat on the back. **

**Now came my mysterious guest-reviewer with the question: what about Leo and Donnie? And when she asked that I was like 'damn it! I totally forgot those guys!' So yeah, what about Don and Leo. I'm not sure yet but I guess I can give them some appearances during this fic. I need them in the end at least. But I'll see how it goes and maybe I can come up with something for them. **

**Anyways, have fun with this new chapter full of chaos and some mental torture. **

**Chapter 4: the stain**

We've been sitting in this cell for days now. Sometimes they come and get Mikey to beat him up some, but nothing as serious as the acid and the electricity. They'll drag him into the hallway and punch and kick him till he's unconscious. He's tried to fight back multiple times but with two or three against one, he's always overpowered. Especially because they electrocute us before taking my baby bro.

They always have me watching it and I always pay close attention. Not that I like seeing my brother that way, it's even the opposite. However, if I know where they hurt him the most, I can calm him down better when he wakes up, screaming from a nightmare. Because that is what happens whenever he falls unconscious when being tortured. He only sleeps soundly when being pressed against my side. Like he is now.

"Raphie?"

I turn my head downwards and see two foggy blue eyes staring up at me. His voice is a little croaky and sounds dry. We haven't been given anything to eat or drink other than a bottle of water every morning. It's never enough but when I try to give Mike some of my share, he always declines. I know he needs it though because of all the blood he's losing. He lost a fair amount because of the acid torture and now always loses some when being beaten on. He's getting paler by the day.

I feel how Mike sits up next to me, making soft sounds of pain when moving his body. The wounds of the acid are still bothering him and every now and then he'll start twitching again which makes his sore muscles from the beatings extra painful. I'm still worried about the amount of electricity his body might be able to take though. They keep sending currents through us whenever they want to beat the senses out of him. Not to mention the hours of electricity he had to endure a few days ago.

The sound of the metal door at the end of the hallway opening, vibrates through our cell. I hear soft whimpers coming from my younger brother and I give him a soft squeeze. They already bashed on him today but you never know with these guys. What I do know is that Mike's terrified every single time he thinks he hears something. The fear is just too much for him. He's brave when they take him out and hit the shit out of him. He never even makes a sound. No it's not the pain, just the fear. Yesterday he told me that he the thing he was the most afraid of, wasn't even them killing him, but being here on his own. That they would kill _me_ or that I would just leave him one way or another. The numbskull. I could never leave him. I could never betray him. We do this together or we might as well just die right here, right now.

Another clash and the Italian dude is standing in front of us. His head is in front of the lightbulb which casts us a little bit more in the dark. I can't see his face because of that but I know he's smirking down on us. Thinks he's all high and mighty. If he would just come in this damn cell and face us, he would see who's king down here.

I stand up, not wanting to show any weaknesses, prisoner or not. Mike immediately follows my example albeit with shaky legs. I can't blame the kid. They twisted his knee the other day. And made him cough up blood by kicking him right in his throat. It took him hours just to stop hacking. That was a bad day. We didn't even get water then and his teeth and lips were red for the whole night.

"How nice to see you again, my dear animals," the creep spoke up. "Everything's going well I assume?"

I growl but he doesn't even look into my direction. His face is completely drawn towards the battered body of my youngest brother. The joy the damage is causing him, makes me only more angry. I step in front of Mikey and fall into a fighting stance. Let him try and hurt my brother again. I ain't stopping yet.

"Now if you would just be so friendly, Red, to step aside so I can feed you both. According to my minions, it's important to feed your animals."

I don't make a move and keep shooting daggers at the man. How dare he call us beasts. We've always considered ourselves human and whenever someone doesn't treat us like that, I see red.

"Do we really have to do it this way?" The man tsk-ed and flips a remote in between his fingers. Before either Mike or I can say something, we're lying on the floor again, a current of white hot fire flowing through us. It isn't as strong as the Joes, as Mikey came to call them, used though.

When the current is off the guy comes inside the cell and immediately moves over towards Mike. A knife is pulled out of his shirt and the blade is pressed against my little brother's throat. I can see the bruises of when they stamped on him there, still clearly against his green skin. His eyes look at me, fear clearly readable and tears slowly forming. He's never been in such a position before. None of us have. Sweat drizzles down my face. One move and it is over for him.

"Don't," I say, before even being able to think of it. "Don't you dare."

The man's smile comes back, his white teeth glistering in the pale light from the hallway. "Oh dear turtle, I won't. At least not if you do as I tell you to."

I don't say anything. There isn't anything for me to say other than some very colourful words. I won't however, endanger Mikey by doing something as stupid as that.

"Now come forward," the black-haired man says. "And take this knife."

Another knife is thrown at the dirt floor. It's a fairly small one, unlike the blade pressed against my baby brother's neck. To advance in an attack now, would be a very stupid move. No way I can protect Mike, or even myself, with this.

"Mark your brother."

WHAT? Mark my… Yeah right. Is this dude totally insane. I would never use a knife on my brother. Never.

Another growl ripples from my throat and I have the urge to lunge at the man. His blade, however, presses so close into Mikey's skin, that droplets of blood start to form.

"Do it," his voice is full of poison, the sound harsh. "Do it or he dies."

I don't make a move and keep glaring at the man in front of me. I'm not doing this. No way I'm doing something like this. You don't use weapons against your family, period. You don't harm your family, period. At least, not on purpose.

The cold look in the guy's eyes, turns even darker and before I even know it, the knife is buried deeply into Mike's shoulder. A scream tears from him and the water that has been building up in the corners of his eyes, is now slowly falling.

My mouth falls open and all I can see is the crimson dark red blood flowing down his right arm, willing it to flow back into his body. But this isn't the end yet. The knife is being twisted, causing more blood to flow and forcing small, croaked, screams coming from my brother.

"Stop!" I shout but I don't dare to come anywhere near. I don't want him to hurt Mikey more. Or worse, that he'll kill him.

"I'll stop if you cut him," is the only reply. The voice is without compassion, without feeling. There is nothing but joy in there, like a little kid getting his Christmas-present. It makes me feel sick.

I quickly grab the knife though and move forward. I can't let Mikey suffer. Not anymore. But can I do this? Can I mark him with my own hand?

"That's it," the dead voice says. "On his cheek, right there."

I slide to my knees so I'm on the same eye-level as Mikey is. The knife stops twisting and now there are no screams, I can hear the gasping breaths coming from my youngest brother. I take his face in one of my hands and rub my hand across his cheek. He looks up at me and despite everything, he smiles and gives me a nod.

"Do it," is the quiet whisper, which I can hardly hear. "Please."

With that last plead, I know I'm doing the right thing. As much as it may hurt me physically and mentally to harm my own brother, I know this is right.

I grab his face a little firmer so he can't move and make things worse. I try to put all the comfort and warmth in my grip I can muster and slash a shallow cut down his cheek.

He doesn't even wince at the contact and lets out a breath of relief when the other knife is pulled out of his shoulder. I cradle him close and drop the knife I held in my hand immediately. I can't hear our tormentor leaving, I can't hear the soft cries of Mikey when I put pressure on his two wounds, although the one on his cheek is hardly bleeding. I can't hear anything because of the blinding pain ripping my brain apart. _I've hurt my brother. I marked him, I cut him and I let him down. I hurt my youngest brother. The one who I swore I would protect._

I also can't hear the 'well done' coming from the devil outside or cage. I don't even notice the five water bottles, piece of cloth, disinfectant, and most importantly, the food that is shoved through the bars. The only thing that exists for me now, is the monster I fear I've become.

**So that was… not what I expected at all. Do I have a sick mind? After writing this I think I do. Time for a mental hospital maybe. Oh well, send me a review before I go okay?**


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay so a very quick update on a lot of chapters before I go back studying till I fall asleep. I'll try to have two chapters done of Poison of Vengeance because of the long wait but at least this is the first. **

**To cup-mikey-gertha: this isn't the chapter you've been hoping for sorry. But the next one will so be patient ;)**

Chapter 5: paralized

It's been a full week already. A week of Donatello working himself to death. A week of Leonardo trying to hold on. A week of me not having seen my youngest and second-eldest sons. I worry for every single one of them and try to reach my lost sons as well as my ill one by meditation.

Leonardo has not reacted to anything I tried and according to Donatello this is caused by the mysterious coma he is in. He hasn't responded to physical touches and his reflexes are off as well. My genius son has told me that the only reason his older brother is still alive is because of the machines and our constant care. But despite that Leonardo is sinking into a deeper sleep every day and his brother worries he might not wake up if he does not come up with a cure anytime soon.

He is working on this medicine day and night and when he does not do that or takes care of Leonardo, he works on his computer to find his missing brothers. I try to help my son out in every way I can but my knowledge is not sufficient enough. It hurts me to know that I cannot assist my sons now that they need me more than ever.

It hurts Donatello also that he cannot lay down his work and go find Michelangelo and Raphael. We know they must be in trouble or they would have made it home already. We both know that. I have been topside every night, trying to look for any clue that could help me to find my boys. I have found nothing and now Donatello is working on his computer to hack into the databases of our enemies. The last place we know we could look.

I am here know with Leonardo, making sure the monitors around him do not change and keeping replacing backs with fluids and nutrients when they are empty. I dip some water on his cracked lips to keep them hydrated and sigh. Two days ago there was a slight movement coming from Leonardo when he felt the cold water touch his face. Today there is again nothing. Not even the slightest twitch.

When I have made sure that my eldest son is alright, I leave the infirmary to see how much progress Donatello has made. The teen is sleeping on his desk, head on his curled up arms. I smile despite myself and cover my child with a blanket. There is a deep frown on my son's tired face and another sigh escapes my lips.

Two sons are nowhere to be found and I do not know their current state of health or if they are even still alive. Another one has been in a mysterious coma for a week and might as well be dead. My last child is working himself to exhaustion to try and help his brothers in need, not knowing if he can even manage such a thing. And me, their father, the one who should take care of them, is utterly powerless to do anything than help.

"Please Raphael, Michelangelo. Be alright"

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I think the bleeding has finally stopped. Mikey is lying on the cold, wet floor, being reduced to a whimpering mess. His face is dangerously pale and his breaths are uneven. I carefully bring my hands from the wound which causes another hiss from my baby brother. I few droplets of blood still come out of the wound but it's much less than before.

I grab the disinfectant and the piece of cloth lying next to it. I find a needle and thread attached to the bottle of alcohol and wince. He was prepared. He knew what he was going to do. He knew I wasn't going to give in this easily.

"Hey Mikey," I speak up, placing a hand on my brother's sweaty forehead. He nods in acknowledgement but doesn't say anything. His eyes are full of tears and his whole expression tells me how much pain he is in right know.

"I'm gonna use a needle and thread alright? I know it ain't gonna be comfortable but it has to be done."

Another nod and a slight smile. "Glad you do it. Then at least I'll have a wicked scar."

I know he tries to relieve the tension but it isn't really working for me. God, how I wish Donnie was here right now. I ain't no doctor and for good reasons too. But I don't have a choice because Mikey's bleeding out on me. And things will only get worse if he gets an infection on top of everything.

I slide behind my younger brother and sit him up against me. I ignore the small whimpers of pain and set to work with a shaky hand. Every time the thread slices through his skin, Mike shivers and I need to stop so the wound will close nicely. When I'm done and rub the alcohol onto the newly stitched wound, I'm kinda proud of my handy-work.

After wrapping my brother's shoulder up I sit him up against the wall at the back of our cell. I don't want him anywhere near the bars. I stand up and that's when Mikey lifts his head up to look at me. My eyes start burning but it's nowhere as bad as my chest. Painful heartthrobs pound against my ribs and release the dread inside my head.

The cut. The mark. It isn't deep but I wonder if it will completely heal. There will always be a scar to remind me of what I did to him. What I should have prevented if I was just strong enough, or clever enough. If I just had been a good brother.

Apparently Mikey notices something because he turns his head away and picks up the bottle of alcohol. He rubs some on the cut on his cheek and then throws the thing to the far corner of our cell. It only makes me more sick to know that I couldn't even take care of the cut. I did it to him and can't even face the consequences.

I walk away to fetch or food and water. I give some to my younger brother but see him already dousing off.

"Hey, hey. Don't go to sleep yet," I say as gently as I can and tap his cheek. He blinks a few times and looks at me as if I've grown another head. "You need to eat first."

He mumbles something I probably don't want to hear anyway and closes his eyes again. I rouse him again though and manage to get him to eat some of the bread and to take a few sips of water. I know he can't have a lot right away or he'll throw up, so when I'm content he's had enough I lay him down on my lap. Careful so he's not lying on his right shoulder, I let him sleep. I pat right cheek a few times, not letting my fingers even getting near the other one.

I can't stand what I've done there. I can't stand it. I don't care Mikey asked me to do it, that it was to help him out of even more misery. I did it voluntarily and no way I can ever repay that to my youngest brother. The only thing I can do is to bring him to his two other brothers and his father. Keeping him safe from me.

**Poor guys. And there you go! The reason why Leo and Don aren't there yet. I already put two turtles in a lot of danger and misery so I thought why don't give the rest of the family something to deal with as well. Maybe I should kill one of the brothers. Maybe… Muhahahaha .**


	6. Chapter 6

**I've done so much thinking over this chapter. It's difficult not to make everything to heavy all at once and still live up to all of your expectations. I think I've got it now though so please like it!**

**Chapter 6: deception**

It's been three days since I've cut Mikey and let him down. Not that I got much time dwelling on that fact. They did something. I don't know what but it must be bad. At first I thought it was the pain of his shoulder wound as it was a nasty one and I had to pour alcohol onto it, for god's sake. But the thing is, the stitches are doing fine and the wound is healing well. So after the second day I knew there was something different going on.

A yell. I scramble over to my baby brother's body and brace myself for another few hours of trying to calm him while he's trashing and screaming in pain. It happened only hours after I had taken care of the wound a couple of days ago and repeats itself constantly. Sometimes it seems there are mere minutes between the attacks and Mike would hardly have a breather to compose himself. Other times he has some hours of rest which he describes as feeling numb. The problem is that we never know when the next attack is coming up and that scares the both of us.

I sit next to Mikey and take him in my arms. The physical contact makes him relax slightly as he prepares himself for what's coming. I recognize all of the symptoms he's displaying. First he'll feel a burning pain which always makes him yelp because of the sudden intensity. That's how I know. After that he'll start sweating and his face will scrunch up. We don't know how long that'll last as its always different. But when the burning feeling disappears, the screams will tear my little bro apart. I hate it.

I wipe away on my brother's forehead and feel how he's burning up. Sweat drizzles down and I try to keep it from entering his eyes. His breathing is controlled and his posture somewhat relaxed. He tries to stay brave but I can see the fear gleaming in those blue orbs of his. They've always been as easy to read as an open book. Nothing, absolutely nothing, he can hide from us because of those eyes.

And then the first howl of pain echoes through the cell. I keep wincing after every sound he makes, knowing there's nothing I can do but to comfort him a little. More screams are forced from my little brother's throat and his complete body starts convulsing, trying to get rid of the immense pain burning its way through my baby brother. I hold him close and steady so he won't hurt himself. The first time this happened I tried to speak to Mikey but he never hears anything I say. After having done this so many times already, I know the best way to help him is to keep him from hurting more and wait till it passes. As for myself, I just try to block out any sound and any feeling that enters my mind. Not that it helps the stabbing pain inside my chest but at least it helps me maintaining a level head. That's something we both rely heavily upon.

After only God knows how long, Mikey's breaths become more regular and his screams come further apart. His skin is still pale but regains some colour and his arms and legs stop shaking. There's always this small smile directed my way, telling me he's feeling better and saying sorry. It hurts me when he does that because I don't deserve a smile or an apology. But don't tell Mike to stop. I wish he would hurt me more, that he would shout at me or kick me. He never does however. He suffers and therefore makes me suffer. And there's nothing I can do about it.

"I must say, this spectacle is even more enjoyable live then it is on my screens."

I growl lowly, an automatic response to the guy's voice. I heard him coming in some time ago but that doesn't really bother me anymore. I don't know who he is, but he's the type of guy who'll always get what he wants; one way or another. And if I cooperate, Mike will get less hurt. I owe him that much so remain passive.

"Come on, Red; now stop being such a grouchy turtle. There's no need to be angry with me. I've the solvation of your problem after all."

That got my attention so I turn around slowly to face him, keeping Mikey safely secured in my arms. He is awake but scared. Of course he is. Every time someone came down to this place, things never ended well for him. And never could I protect him from what he had to face.

"Nice to see your eyes for a change."

The grin on his face makes his teeth glint in the small light in the hall. I hate that overly-confident look of his and want to beat it out of him. I know I can't however. Mikey's here. This isn't a case of having nothing to lose. And the point is, I can't lose because when I do I'll shatter. There won't be a reset and there won't be another time of playing the game.

Something is thrown to the ground which lures me out of my train of thoughts. I sit Mikey up against the wall carefully but he whimpers slightly at not having me next to him. I ain't risking anything though. I slowly creep closer to the object on our cell-floor and see a filled up syringe. When I pick it up our captor starts talking again.

"This is the antidote to what I poisoned your brother with three days ago. I'm sure you've noticed something odd, now didn't you?"

I don't say anything and let my glare speak for me. The bastard poisoned him. Sure I knew something was going on, but poison? How did he administer it? I ate and drank everything Mikey did just to make sure everything was safe. So just how did he do it?

Well, no time to think about that. Mikey needs the antidote and I'm out of luck. Maybe this is the same trick as with the water bottle but I can't risk injecting myself first. And my brother is suffering so badly already, that I can hardly make it worse. Right?

But before I take the syringe and walk up to the slumped figure against the wall, the rules of the game change again.

"Before I forget. The antidote works the best when the subject has low brain activity."

I want to put up a fight for calling my brother a 'subject' but hold myself back. I know he wants me pissed off. I don't get what he's playing around with but some of his intentions are clear to me. And one of them is ticking me of and having Mikey suffer for my loss of self-control. And that ain't happening again.

"What do ya mean, asshole?" I growl lowly, not taking another glance at the man.

"I mean that only if your brother is asleep, the antidote in the syringe will work. Too bad I don't have anything to knock him out with so you'll have to do it."

He winks at me before walking off. I hardly notice it though as my mind is running. The words he speaks before disappearing completely have my attention though.

"The blade you cut your brother with was coated in the poison. Thought you'd want to know that."

With a maniacal cackle he leaves us alone, slamming the door at the end of the hallway. I know he's still watching us though. He mentioned he'd seen it every time Mikey had an attack. There must be cameras or something like that.

After what he's told me, I actually just want to sit down and cry. Nothing I do is good enough. I keep hurting my brother in every possible way and there's nothing to do against it. But Mike hasn't blamed me yet. He's the one important right now. When he's safe, I'll pay for everything I've done to him.

I turn around, fingering the syringe in my hand, while walking over to my brother. Often he smiles at me. Even here he still manages to keep the mood light and to not show any other emotion then how he trusts me and has faith. But this time he looks rather serious. The determination in his eyes actually makes me flinch slightly.

"Do it, Raph. Just a blow to the head. I know you can do that."

I shake my head before his words actually register. I'm not hurting him anymore, no way. I promised him, I promised myself that we would get out of here without a scratch and I already broke that one. The scratch was even made by my own hand. I'm not doing such a thing again. There must be another way.

Suddenly a smile breaks on my face. Mike looks at me as if I finally lost it but also with a touch of fear. He really wants me to knock him out and use that syringe on him. He's scared for the next attack. Also he's afraid that I'll go insane before him and he'll be alone. Well, no way. Because I'm not going to hurt my younger brother. Because for once in my life, I use my brain before brawn.

I slide in front of Mikey and softly trail my fingers over his neck and shoulders. I see the soft glint in his eye when he notices what I intend to do. The smile on his face evens mine and he gives me a quick thumbs up.

"But don't hit my head to hard again, Raphie-boy," he says in the cheeriest voice I've heard in over a week. "The first time you did this you gave me a bruise the size of an orange."

I snicker and mutter 'baby' under my breath. I let my hand slide down till I grab my youngest brother's wrist in a firm grip. I feel the energy flow beneath my thumb and cut it off. I jab him shortly in the crook of his elbow and quickly tap his temple with my flat palm. I'm on time to catch my brother when he collapses. While emptying the syringe into my brother's bloodstream, I thank Master Splinter for teaching us pressure points. He didn't teach me too many of them, especially not the deadly ones, as I was too impatient. I also thought that during a fight they were rather useless as no opponent would allow you to come this close. And if they were stupid enough to do that, why not knock them around with a fist and a kick. When we get home though, and I say when and not if like Mikey told me to do, I'll learn every single pressure point known to mankind.

"Not what I wanted, reptile," an eerie voice fills the cell. "He'll pay for that."

**And that's it! The pressure point described is real and effective. A friend of mine showed me as she's a martial artist and owns her own dojo. Too bad I don't see her that often but I remembered the pressure point. Anyways I hope you all liked it and see ya soon! In the meanwhile, enjoy this wonderful cliffy :p**


	7. Chapter 7

**So before any of you is going to read this story, please search through your room and remove anything you could use as a possible weapon and place it in a very strong safe and throw away the key into a fire or a tank full of very carnivorous fish. Thank you very much, I feel much safer now.**

**Have fun reading this! Or not…**

**Chapter 7: suffocation **

He electrified us again and put us into this weird ballroom kinda thing. It's large and high with these insanely long windows which are all covered up by something black. There isn't much here except for a small sort of cage of which the walls are made completely out of some sort of transparent plexiglass. Inside it they had strapped Mikey down to a table. He isn't awake yet and I'm glad for that. He would be down-right terrified if he knew what that crazy dude said just after I knocked him out. Damn it, it's just like how I feel now.

I don't know what to do. I keep hurting my baby brother and still he wants to stay close to me. That open trust of his makes everything even hurt more and it makes me so angry I want to hit him. But at the same time I want to hug him close and promise him no one will ever get his hands on him ever again. If I just wouldn't be such a weak coward and actually come up with a solution for us so we can get out of this hell house and back to our family. I wonder where they are.

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"Master Splinter! Get me the incubator, fast!"

I move my hands onto my older brother's plastron and push down on it. I silently count along in my head while I can hear quick but quiet footsteps coming closer. I bend over and hold my ear close to Leo's mouth, listening for a breath, trying to feel it against my cheek. Nothing. He has stopped breathing.

There have been seizures more times I can count the last few days, or where it mere hours? However, I knew there was something going awfully wrong and I was too slow to come up with a cure. Now my brother has stopped breathing and it took me a full minute to even come in action! Or where it mere seconds? It doesn't change that my brother could have been very dead because of my incompetence. He can still die, even now. He hasn't improved a bit and actually has steadily grown worse. Now he can't even breathe for himself anymore.

I pound on my brother's chest again when I finally hear a rattling sound escape his lips. His chest is moving up and down again and air I didn't know I had been holding, escapes through my mouth. I quickly turn around towards the machinery Sensei readied for me and take the tube in my hands. The procedure doesn't take me too long but after it I feel drowned.

I sink into a chair, staring blankly at Leo's still body being moved up and down because of a machine, not because he can do it himself. I feel like crying but can't. I've been crying too much lately and my tears have dried out. I feel a warm furry paw on my shoulder and turn my head towards a gentle smile. Master Splinter's eyes are sad but with a glint of proudness in them which makes me give him a watery ghost of a smile in return.

Without any prompting I stand up and collapse into my father's arms, relishing the warm hug I so desperately need right now. I don't know when and I don't know for how long. Years, months, weeks? But eventually my father releases me into a soft bed, my mind and body relaxing at the thought of my eldest brother being fine now he's on life-support. Well, not fine. He's far from fine and needs constant supervision. But at least now I don't have to worry about him suddenly stopping to live. At least one concern less. I close my eyes and feel my thoughts leaving my body, joining my three dream-brothers into a world of calmness, joy and family.

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"Turtle"

I look up but there's nothing but speakers. Nothing but the dark room and my brother lying knocked out in a cage not too far away from me.

"As you've seen your brother is in quite a… predicament."

I growl an almost feral growl but stand my ground. This guy isn't getting to me this easily. If I can just try again to keep my calm and to not unintentionally hurt Mikey in the process.

"There's a removable floor under the table your brother is currently lying on. When it opens, fire will come out and burn everything within its reach."

He what?! I immediately get closer towards the thing keeping me from Mike and start throwing punches against it. He isn't going to hurt him. He isn't. And he won't burn. No fire. Me, the ticking time-bomb of the family with his _fiery_ passion, knows how dangerous that particular element can be. Without the control, it'll destroy everything you love.

"Keep trying, reptile, nothing is going to change the situation. On the other hand, it is you who can save the creatures life while he burns."

I don't want to, but still he catches my attention. I stop fighting and kicking and look into the direction the voice seems to come from. Save his life? Save it from what, because there can nothing be as bad as burning alive. Another time I silently thank every which entities for my brother still being asleep.

"You know, fire is a living entity in many ways. It feeds itself, reproduces, moves, it can die but also _breathes._ There are several ventilators inside his small cabin. If I turn them on, the smoke will be sucked away and your brother will be supplied with fresh oxygen. And this is where you'll come into the picture. You'll fight ten of my minions and for every one you floor, I'll push the button. Your brother's life is in your hands, Red, be careful with it."

There's some static going through the speakers before they turn of completely. As the dude already said, the floor panels were opening up. Suddenly the room is bright because of the orange flames. For a moment I cringe at the thought of my youngest and most innocent brother being devoured and hurt by his own colour. But the cringe soon turns into a look of absolute horror when Mikey starts to howl in pain because of the fire licking his arms, legs, shell and head. I inch closer towards him and look him into his bright blue eyes. He locks his with mine and I can see all the pain, fear and anguish going through them. I want to reassure him, hold him close, take his place, but I can't.

His eyes widen through his screams when a meaty hand grabs my shoulder, turns me around and punches me right in the face. The red angry burning I thought about earlier fills up my veins and clouds my head. I jump forward and fight like a raging animal. Every touch, every sound and every move is a reason for me to attack with the wild furry I didn't even know I possessed. It's like something else takes over my mind and there's nothing there anymore.

_The redness disappears and I stand in front of a locked door with behind it my brother, my eldest brother who I just hurt in the worst way possible. I cut him with his own katanna just because he pissed me of. We are only ten but that doesn't mean I can do this to him. I only got so angry because he excelled in the kata Master Splinter taught us and I didn't. We are best buddies, the top of the class. Me and Leo can almost do anything and this time he dared to be better than me. But hurting him, that wasn't what I meant to do._

"_Why do you always get so angry, Raph?" I stare up at my blue-clad brother who just got out of the infirmary with a bandaged right arm. I shrug and guiltily look down towards my feet. I can't control myself, I'm weak. "If you can control the fire inside that head of yours, you won't do things you come to regret later. I know that's difficult but you have to try." I smile a little at how easily Leo forgives me. He isn't mad. He gets how hard it is for me to keep myself together. _

"_I'll try Leo, I promise." A soft pad on my arm gives me the bit of courage I need. "I know you will, little brother. Focus and you'll get there. Focus on us, all of us. Focus."_

"_Focus Raph, Focus. You're hurting Mikey, Raph. Focus._

I blink a few times at the confusion. That wasn't part of the memory. Leo left after touching me on my arm and saying he knew I would try. He never mentioned to me I should focus. I look around. Men are lying at my feet, either dead or unconscious, I don't know. I don't really care either.

I feel dizzy and a nagging feeling is clenching my gut. There's something wrong but I don't know what. _Focus on us._ I swirl around, trying to find the voice, Leo's voice, but can't find anything but a small chamber made of plexiglass and filled up with smoke.

Mikey.

"No," I don't shout. I can't shout as my mouth is dry and my throat is squeezed together. "What did you do?" I whisper. Without even noticing I run towards the cell jamming my shoulder against one of the walls. I fall back however but try again and again. At one point I dislocate my shoulder and scream in agony, more for my brother than the pain in my arm.

"You did it, turtle. You killed your brother."

The ventilators are turned on and the room is cleared of all the smoke. The floor panels are long closed so no fire is searing at my poor baby brother anymore. I want to hurl at the sight in front of me though. His skin is a combination of red, black and blisters covering every inch of his back and even large parts of his cheeks and forehead. At some parts the skin had fallen of his legs and arms and the horrible look of utter and complete agony is still written clearly on his attacked face. The worst still is his still body though. His plastron isn't moving up and down and it's clear to me that Mikey, sweet little Mikey, isn't breathing at all.

"Your fault," booms through the ballroom.

And I drop to my knees and keep staring in front of me. My fault. Again. If I had just focused I could've saved him. If I just had listened. If I just had been a better brother. If it just had been me being stuck in there. Everyone but him.

**Okaaaaaaaaay, I have the next chapter already finished and ready to update so…. See ya next week!**

**Gets into her jet and flies, wait no! I don't have a jet. Takes her parents' car and grabs the wheel to, damn it no driver's license either! Grabs her bike and paddles away as hard as she can. BYE!**


	8. Chapter 8

**I'm sorry for the delay and all but it was in your own interest. This chapter was immensely difficult for me so I kept screwing it up. Eventually I reached out to TJHECTOR who is awesome at writing Raph and who helped me. So give her a big thank you and hate me for taking so long 8D. Anyways enjoy the chapter! And because it's Christmas break, that means much more updates so keep a look out for them.**

**Chapter 8: Rush**

The pain is so bad. It feels like hundreds of wolves are tearing me apart and every time I take a small glance at another one of Mikey's wounds, more skin is ripped off of my body. My heart is hammering inside my chest so hard I can't even feel the throbbing pain in my shoulder. I'm still pounding against the glass walls, trying to get to my already lost baby brother desperately just to make sure he's really gone and not still suffering. Just to see his face one more time. I'm afraid I won't be able to do that with my other brothers. My final hours are coming, I'm sure of it, I knew that all along.

"I wish Mikey would have been able to get out of this mess though," I whisper through harsh pants which slowly but steadily grow worse and worse at the point they almost sound like sobbing.

I sink to my knees and lie my head against the cool glass. The sound of Mikey's name drains every ounce of strength out of my body. I feel hot trails down my cheeks but I won't pay it any attention. I'm still weak. How could I ever think of myself as the muscle of the team when I couldn't even protect my own baby brother. I can't even reach him right now. Some ninja.

A soft hissing sound vibrates through my thoughts and gets me to lift my head up. Better meet my death with the little bit of honour and bravery I've still left. But instead of some of those stupid GI-Joes figures to come and kill me, there's the Italian dude not standing inside the ballroom but inside the cage. I can't help but glare when he inches closer to the still form on the table. How does that murderer deserve to get to touch my bro for a last time while I can't! I stand up and start pounding on the walls again, albeit half-heartedly. I'm spent.

"Now, that's not polite my dear animal friend. I'm here to help you," the smug man replies with an amused grin. "I'm here to save the brother you so easily killed."

It gets too much for me. Another blaze of red anger travels up and clouds my head. I won't let it take me completely though. The last time that happened I ended up with one brother less. Still I feel renewed adrenaline travel through my veins, readying me for another fight.

"You killed my brother," I hiss. "You promised me to keep him alive if I fought and still you murdered him!" I start shouting but the dude doesn't seem to be impressed.

"I told you if you would floor my men I would push the button. I never promised to keep your brother alive when you did. If you wouldn't have been so devoured by your own anger you would have noticed that with every man you took down, one ventilator would shut down, the button pushed you see? You could've saved your brother if you really had tried. He could be breathing if you would have been careful, observant. He could be alive if you wouldn't be his brother."

The last part was spoken with so much venom and hatred I start to feel sick. It was my fault? But I tried so hard. I still didn't do enough! I messed up and killed! I'm a murderer of not only bad guys but of my own flesh and blood!

My breathing becomes irregular again but I refuse to calm down. I did this, I did this I did this, I DID THIS!

_What would Mikey think? _A soft and gentle voice. _He wouldn't be angry, he understands. He wouldn't want you to give up. _I've no idea where it comes from. _Don't you think he would just be glad to be out of pain? _But it is strangely comforting. Yes, he's out of pain. Finally. He didn't have to suffer the faith he was afraid for. And although I wasn't there physically, Mikey new I fought for him till the end. He's seen it.

"You get a choice, turtle," The gentle voice which just spoke to me is quickly overpowered by the rough accented one from inside the cage. I watch him intently when he moves closer to my brother with a needle in his hand. "Inside this syringe I have adrenaline. I can use it to start your brother's heart again. After that it is to you what will happen with him."

I follow the life-liquid with my eyes and for a small second there is this desire to hear Mikey's voice again, to see him happy and smiling and to have him back by my side. But I won't do it. He won't wake up smiling he'll scream out of immense pain. I can't do that to him, not because of my own selfishness.

I shake my head and for the first time since we are here, I see the man frown. His darkened features slump a little while his eyes blaze. I smirk a bit to myself. Maybe I finally managed to break through his plans? No. Not even close.

The needle is coming closer to my brother's neck and I can only shout "Liar!" before the skin breaks and the syringe is emptied. It doesn't take long for my baby bro to move after that and with the first screams, the Italian dude walks off with his hands over his ears.

"And if you wanted to know," he shouts over the screams, "my name is Raphael. The one who saved your brother's life." With that he leaves.

The Plexiglas walls come down, finally, and I run towards my younger brother, pushing away the anguish I felt earlier. The anguish of having killed my brother, the anguish of feeling alone and the anguish of sharing my name with that maniac. All there is now is Mikey who I need to get out of pain as soon as I can.

When I'm close enough I let my eyes quickly scan over the bloodied and blistered body that should somehow be my brother. I want to lift him up, comfort him, but there is no way of holding him like this. Eventually I let one arm slide under my baby brother's head so his back and arms won't touch the unforgiving cold metal of the table anymore. It only causes more shrieks and choked screams though.

"Shhhhh," I whisper in his ear. "It's okay, you will be okay I promise. Just hold on baby bro please."

I wonder why he hasn't fallen into unconsciousness again and quickly remind myself of the adrenaline which must be pumping through his heart. I know even pressure points won't help him right now. His skin, his muscle, his nerves, everything is probably heavily damaged. No way he'll come back from this. In the best case he'll live with severe scarring and several issues with moving for the rest of his life. This isn't better, this isn't better at all. And still that lingering feeling of happiness won't leave my conscience. The euphoria of seeing my brother awake and alive. That damn selfishness not leaving me alone.

The screaming quiets down so I start to talk again. "That's it you're doing good. Come back to yourself Mike, forget the pain. I'm here, I'm here," I whisper soothingly.

Two eyes try to open up but only one succeeds. The right side of his face is burned heavily and his eye is so swollen and blistered he can't open it the right way. His left one gives me a glimpse of baby blue though.

"Hey," I say but he doesn't reply. Another set of whimpers comes from his mouth and he quickly shuts his eye again. He's in so much pain. His small body starts shaking terribly and I know he's going into shock. I try and levitate him so he won't hurt so much but it only causes him to scream at the sudden movements and pain.

"If you want doctors to take care of him, place him on the brancard."

I only move my head around slightly, not wanting to jostle my brother in any way. The voice behind me is a lady's. I can see black hair being held by a pony tail. A few strands are hanging in front of a pale but beautiful face. Her red lips and black eyes stand out on her light skin and if I would've cared, I would notice how cute and young she looks. Her voice is like honey and sounds nice, sweet, but I'm not trusting anyone in here. There's a weird kind of yellow bed on wheels but it doesn't really look like a brancard. There's some sort of fluid instead of blankets and a mattress. It looks like gelatin to me.

"I promise he'll be alright. We'll bring him back to you. Come I'll help."

I quickly shield Mikey with my body, not letting her anywhere close. They aren't getting him. I won't give him up again.

Some choked breaths make me turn my head back to my youngest brother whose upper body is still held up by me in the air. It looks like he's crying in between all the sounds of pain, which is pulling at my heart strings. I hate it when he cries. Often I would go to rough on him when we were younger and even then I always hated it when the little guy would cry. I'm supposed to protect him!

"He's going into shock," the voice mumbles behind me. "We can help him. If we don't, he'll die again."

I know he will. I'm just not sure what he would want me to do now. Pushing him into the enemy's arms and having him probably die again but this time without his older brother? Or keep him here, trying to comfort him but having him die for a second time while being in the most horrible pain. My logic tells me to give Mikey to them. It will be the only way he might survive. But on the other hand my gut squeezes together at the thought of leaving him with them. It tells me something is off.

My brother is getting quieter and his body stops moving so much. I'm not sure if he's settling down or getting worse but I don't think I want to know. The question now is, what would Mikey do? The answer isn't that difficult. He would go on as long as there was still a brother he needed to go on for.

"Never give up," I whisper to myself, not to Mikey, before turning my head upwards. "I'm going with him. I'm the only one who touches him, no one else. And everything that's administered to him will first be given to me. Ya hear me?"

The lady merely nods and gives me a smile I can't see a fake note in. It doesn't eliminate the wariness I feel inside though. Why would they help us when it's their fault this happened in the first place?

"Please place him on the brancard. The substance on it will cool his burns and help with his healing." She takes a few steps backwards, giving me the room I need to relax a bit. I take Mikey in my arms which makes him spring back to life. He struggles weakly in my hold which only makes me sigh in relief. He's still here. I mumble a quiet 'I'm sorry' when I lift him off the table, bridal style, and place him on the brancard as fast as I can.

The strange gelatin immediately soaks the body up which makes me panic. I try to keep Mikey's head above the stuff and look at the lady.

"It's okay, he can still breathe. His head will not disappear underneath it, I promise."

I let go slowly and see how Mike's nose, mouth and eyes stay on the surface. His features relax considerably and I can't help but smile at that. This stuff really works after all. The gelatin is a strange yellow which makes my brother's body look pale. It also takes the edge off of the worst of his wounds which I'm grateful for.

"If you would be so kind to follow me," the girl next to me whispers. "I'll bring you out of here."

She leaves me to push my younger brother out, the way I had requested. I follow without too much hesitation.

**Another very good thing about Christmas holidays is Serious Request! A group of 3 radio dj's lock themselves up and eat nothing but very nasty shakes with vegetables and stuff while they broadcast 24/7 for exactly a whole week. They do this to raise money for charity, in this case the Red Cross who helps girls in conflict areas who are raped and can't deal with the consequences. They are kept safe from their attackers and are healed emotionally and physically. A very good cause of course so please, everyone who wants to try (I don't really know if this will work) pull out your phone and send a friendly or funny text to the number 3333. It'll only cost you 0.90 cents (if it works again otherwise it'll cost you nothing). Can you guys try it for me? It'll help innocent girls a great deal. I've sent my fair share (exactly 45 at this moment and I'm going for a hundred) already so come on! Hands off our girls!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey guys, missed me? Hope you all like this chapter just before the new year starts. I don't think I'll have a lot of time to update anything tomorrow so here's a HAPPY NEW YEAR for everyone **

**And on with the story.**

**Chapter 9: A Man**

_Everything is going according to plan._ The man shrugs off his black vest, revealing a light blue t-shirt with red edges on the rims of the sleeves and the V-neck. His black hair is supplied with a fresh layer of oil but not before a few red specks are carefully washed off of his lightly tanned palms and fingers. While steady paces quickly bring him towards his desk, a grim smile slowly sprouts on his face. A normal man, some would say. A handsome one, some might think. But what you can see does not say anything about this man. What goes deeper are his deeds and his thoughts that are as dark and black as the jeans he is still wearing.

_After he watches the Orange one die for a second time he will beg me for his own death. I will not grant it though. He'll live. I'll make sure he'll live continuously in his own nightmares for as long as I might stretch his pathetic life. He'll pay._

How did this happen? Before one can judge a man on his deeds, they will need to learn about the history of the person in question. A harsh history in this case. One that the man feels better to burry as far and deep within himself as he possibly can. It's the story about his younger brother.

"_Hey Raph, you're going again?"_

"_Yeah, see ya." _

_The brothers were growing apart ever since Raphael, the eldest of the two, decided to join the ninja clan known as the Foot. His martial arts sensei told him he had potential and initiated him with the clan. Raphael had always been an ambitious child, especially when it came to fighting. He loved the arts but the rules surrounding the sports when he would participate in a competition were a restraint to his wild and violent nature. A free-for-all while fighting the 'green menace' as they were so affectionately called, sounded good to him. _

_His little brother, Carlo, was different in many ways. He was only fourteen at that time which made him three years younger than Raphael. He wasn't only younger but also more patient and passive. He liked to have a little fun from time to time and didn't have a care in the world. Except for his brother's nightly outings. _

_The brothers have had nothing but fights about the matter, one becoming so bad that Raphael had slapped Carlo across the face. That was three days before. What really bothered Carlo is that, sure Raphael had apologized, but that he didn't stop fighting on the streets. _

"_Why would you? It's dangerous out there, you could end up dead! You had to carry one of your mates home last night, didn't you? Your hands and face were all covered in someone else's blood, I've seen it!"_

_The larger boy turned around swiftly which caused Carlo to wince and take a step back. A lingering hand kept close to his face in case he would be hurt again. A clear sign of the distrust between the two. _

"_Have you been spying on me?"_

_There was no answer but Raphael knew already. For a second his face went red, his anger steadily growing. He shook it off, however, taking in the innocent face of his younger brother. The only person in his life he truly cared for. His face softened, as it did always when he looked into those blue eyes._

"_I'm going to be alright, okay? We need the money and these guys are paying good. I promise I ain't gonna do anything stupid," he added when Carlo showed a frown instead of the reassured smile Raphael hoped for. _

"_I gotta go back to you right? There ain't no way I'm leavin' ya to fend for yerself."_

_A small wink and a pat on the head earned Raphael a small grin and a laugh. _

"_Just watch yourself, stupid," Carlo muttered before he went back into their apartment, his elder brother not knowing that he was planning something. Because maybe Raphael was there to protect his little bro, but Carlo's mind was set on getting him back home safe and sound as well. A big mistake with a lot of consequences. _

The man, no longer completely dressed in black, opens one of the drawers in his desk and pulls out a small necklace together with an old notebook. The notebook is opened on the first page, a little Carlo smiling up at everyone who would look at the picture taken of him when he was eleven years old. The necklace has a small silver owl hanging on it. The eyes are made out of blue glass with a diamond shape, sparkling so much it always makes Raphael think of his own brother's beautiful eyes. He had given Carlo this necklace on the same day the picture was taken. His eleventh birthday. According to the younger boy it was his most prized possession.

The man growls at the memory and chucks the necklace somewhere where he doesn't have to look at it anymore. It isn't fair, according to him. Why would the stupid thing mean so much to his baby bro? Raphael can't even remember why he had chosen the owl instead of another animal. He just can't. Because he doesn't care? He hopes not but he cannot come up with another answer. He cares, but if he really did he wouldn't be sitting here. He knows that, but yet his hunger for revenge is too strong, the taste of it too sweet. It's the only thing he _can_ do, even with the knowledge that Carlo would never approve of his actions. When he came up with the plans, he tried to project the awful looks of disappointment Carlo would sent him. But he couldn't. He tried to feel ashamed off the misery he was going to put someone through; a child not much older than when Carlo died. He couldn't. The urge of having payback was too vicious. It still is. And now there is no going back. The only way for Raphael now is forward as his plan draws to an end. And end he knew he would face all along.

"He has paid, baby brother," the man speaks out loud, his eyes locking with the ones in the picture. "That red-masked monster had paid for what he did to you. By having a hand in the murder of his own younger brother."

And at that moment, the man let a tear slip. His story is clear. His deeds and emotions are too. And the verdict is there.

This man has lost everything. His family, his honour, his ninja-clan and his compassion. In that body, void of emotion and a soul, void of reason and sanity, the humanity inside is killed at last. This man is not a man anymore. The poison has run its course through the body and eliminated everything that made Raphael the human boy he once was. The older brother with a soft spot for his little one, the average student with a passion for the martial arts, a mind capable of love; all gone.

And this is what the poison of vengeance has done to the older one.

He takes a knife which sticks to the back of his notebook; the end of his notebook with the picture as it's beginning. The pages in between are filled with letters to his deceased baby brother Carlo.

"I told you I wouldn't let you fend for yerself. I told you I would go back to you."

With that the monster's throat is slit by his own hand, the small bit of passion in his last deed restoring humanity just before he bleeds out.

Seconds later a radio called in, informing the now dead man an escape has taken place.

**So yeah, uhm…. I don't know. Seriously, I don't know where this came from. The idea was to write another chapter in Raphie's point of view. Something cute. I even had Disney music going for the cuteness! Then this happened. Is it good or too much? Please let me know.**

**What I do wanna tell ya is that this is by far the most important chapter in the story. The whole reason of why this story is called the way it is called. And I know some of you want to kill me for Raph not having a go at the monster but hey, my story :p**

**I'm going to bed now and think about what went wrong tonight, see ya!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey you guys. How about a new chapter huh. I have worked on this very hard (that's why it took me so long) so please like it and sent me a review to tell me how much you liked it :D**

**Chapter 10: Cavalry**

I push the brancard, paying attention to my surroundings and at the same time keeping my eyes focused on my little brother's still form. When the doctor escorted us out of the room I had expected some kind of stone walls, like in our cell, as if we were in some kind of ancient castle. However, the walls of the corridors we're walking through are a sterile white and numbered doors reach up on both sides. We're taking none though.

The black-haired woman takes quick and long paces, seeming in a hurry while her ponytail bounces around on her back. I wonder if she's worried about my unresponsive brother but quickly dismiss the thought. She might look harmless, but I know nothing is what it seems in this crazy nightmare factory. They did this and she's part of it. Humans don't care, they just see us as monsters. A growl resounds in my throat. Look who are the monsters here. They just mutilated and murdered a kid, my little brother.

She makes us take another turn and strangely enough, I can feel a soft, freezing wind coming from around that corner. I hesitate slightly, not sure of what to think of it. It feels too familiar. Like pulling up a manhole and smelling the fresh New York air instead of the sewers. I quickly shake my head. There's no time to stand still, not time to think of home. It's not like I can go somewhere else with Mikey like this and staying here standing is certainly not helping his condition or mine.

So I follow her, and what I see, is something I can't believe. She's pushed a door open and now stands outside, beckoning me to come. From behind her a sky full of stars greets me. The first one I've seen in god knows how long. She takes the front of the brancard but I don't object. The view of the outside world amazes me too much. The sand under my feet makes me look around a bit more. The building we walked out of is the only one around. It's hard to see what it looks like in the dark but it's obvious how enormous it is. Further there's nothing. No trees, no water, just the sand and a road I can barely make out and leads away from the facility. It's the way the woman takes us.

I wonder where we are taken now. She doesn't expect me to walk around the desert with my heavily wounded brother, does she? I ask her what the plan is when she turns her head around, smiling widely.

"Have a little patience, Raphael. And look ahead, just a bit on your left."

And then, as if in a dream, there it is. Somewhere hidden in the shadows of the walls, the Shellraiser is parked. It's hard to see but the bulky appearance I can recognize from anywhere. The gravity can't be seen but I remember every line of every picture on that car. Right now, that van made out of garbage and whatever we could find, is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Our brothers have come. We're finally getting out.

The lady carefully sets the brancard down, pushing the doors of the Raiser open. A bit of warmth encases me and with it the familiar smell of home. Subconsciously I pinch my arm, just to make sure I'm not dreaming this all. But reality returns when warm arms wrap around my shell, a rock-hard body slamming into mine. I carefully hug my purple-clad brother back, still afraid he's going to shatter before my eyes. His quiet voice fills my ears and I can't even put into words how much I've missed it. He tells me how he is sorry for taking so long, how scared he was we would be harmed or dead, how much he had hurt without us around.

I'm not one for hugs, let me be clear on that, but when Donnie pulls away I feel like it was far too soon. The slight smile on his face crashes when he sees Mikey, tears which were already lingering in his eyes, fighting even more for the chance to fall. He doesn't look surprised though and I'm sure the doctor-lady has told him in what state Mikey is. He wordlessly helps the doctor placing Mikey in the back of the car before he turns back to me, scanning me over.

"Are you alright, big brother?"

How long it has been since he called me like this. How much I've missed that too. I nod and can't help myself but to hug him one more time. Donnie gladly excepts it.

"Where's Leo?" I whisper, wanting to see all of my brothers together again before I feel at ease.

"He's inside, trying to find the psychopath who did this," my younger brother replies grimly. "He isn't going to get away."

I feel resigned. I had wanted to take that guy on with every ounce of hate I carry within, pouncing on him, cutting him, hurting him as much as he hurt me and my little brother. But I'm too tired now and I know Leo will make him pay. He'll make sure this man is never coming back. That he won't ever be watching the stars again, like I am now.

"Speaking of the devil," Don mutters in my ear before letting me go. I turn around and see Leo jumping out of one of the windows. One of his katanna is in his right hand and it's dripping blood. Some way it makes me feel a whole lot better.

Before I can even register what is happening, another set or arms encircles me, my face pushed against my older brother's collarbone.

"Thank god," Leo stammers, holding me at arm's length to see if I'm uninjured. When he's satisfied he looks around for, without a doubt, or orange clad little brother.

"He's in the back, Leo," Donnie answers his questioning look. "We need to hurry, he's in a very bad shape."

When we're all in the Shellraiser and well on the way, Leo behind the wheel, I can't help but stare at the woman who's sitting with us in the back. She places her hand on Mikey's forehead and with two fingers of her other hand she touches his neck, apparently trying to get his pulse.

"Donnie," I mutter, catching the attention of my smartest sibling. "What's she doing here? Who is she?"

Before answering he shoves a bottle of juice in my hands, giving me a slight smile. "You're dehydrated and malnourished. You need something in your system."

I take a few sips and relish the sweet taste for a moment. I was more thirsty then I thought. Don comes to sit next to me and looks at the stranger taking care of our brother. I wonder why he isn't doing anything. He's the genius and family doctor after all.

"Her name is Linda. She sought contact with us a couple of weeks ago. She helped us making plans for your escape as well as making sure Mikey would live."

He sees my confused face and smiles slightly at me. I don't get it. That lunatic was angry with us right? That's why he almost killed Mikey, because I defied him. Then how could she have made sure he would survive that attack? I thought there was hardly an hour in between me knocking my brother out and him being burned alive. She could've never planned all this in such a short time.

"I guess I should start at the beginning," Donnie says, pushing through the fog that are my thoughts. I nod at him, shifting to make myself a bit more comfortable as I know this is going to be a long ride.

"Okay, well, it all began with the fight. We couldn't see you guys anymore and Leo said we had to go look. We finished of the last of the Foot but we made a mistake. We turned our backs to the fallen ninja and one of them managed to hit Leo in the arm with a syringe. The coward had faked being taken out. I immediately knocked him unconscious for real but it was already too late. Leo collapsed and didn't wake up, no matter what I tried."

I take a deep but shaggy breath. Leo got hurt too? I hope he made that _Raphael_ suffer. I shiver slightly at the name, venom seeming to creep through my brain when I think of it. My own name, but still it isn't. I think I'm going to ask my brothers and sensei to call me Raph for a while though. Just in the beginning.

I also worry of how well thought-through this operation was. They made sure me and Mikey would be together and even eliminated any back-up by incapacitating Leo. They did their homework.

"After that everything went downhill. I've spent months in my lab, trying to find a clue of where you guys would be while at the same time keeping Leo alive."

This is where I cut him off.

"What do you mean?" I ask, hearing the dread lacing my voice. "What was in that syringe, Donnie?"

He shrugs unhappily, staring at his feet. He must have had a hard time, being the only brother left to fight. I'm sure Master Splinter helped him wherever he could but we've never been split up for so long. Whatever we did, we had a brother to back us up. I think that's the only reason why both Mikey and I have managed to keep our sanity and get away with our life. Well, hopefully.

"I don't know," Don eventually mumbles, unaware of my dark train of thoughts. "But it was bad. Leo drifted off into a coma which got so bad his bodily functions started to shut down. He suffered from liver failure and kidney failure in the end. He even stopped breathing once which forced me to put him on life-support. If it wasn't for Linda reaching out to us, he wouldn't even be here with us now."

I glance back at the lady on the other side of the car, smiling sweetly at me. She's helped us. Why?

"She broke into our computer," Donnie continues, answering more questions I silently harbor. Sometimes I wonder how it comes that we can feel each other out so well. Speaking without words and all, that's not really our thing. Still we know what the other needs at times, it's how Mike never goes too far with his pranks, how we all know when Donnie needs his time alone and how we can get Leo out of the funk he gets in sometimes. It's how my immediate younger brother knows that I need him to continue speaking, even though I might be better off with some rest.

"She told us she wanted to help us out. She gave us some pictures of you and Mikey and explained us what the situation was there. I didn't trust her and neither did Sensei. But when she gave me the recipe for the antidote and it worked, we let her help us out. It took Leo another week to fully recover and regain consciousness, he still isn't a hundred percent. But eventually we knew where you were and how to get you out. And that's where we are now."

He looks up at me expectantly and I give him a slight grin. I still can hardly believe they got us out. But something is bugging me. Something about time.

"Hey Don," I eventually say. "You mentioned something about being in your lab for months for a cure for Leo. That was an exaggeration right?"

I don't know why I suddenly sound so hopeful. My stomach clenches with the feeling of something being terribly wrong. Another reason for all the small details which I noticed but dismissed. For everything I have seen but could not understand, what I didn't have the time for to understand. And when I see the frown in Don's forehead, the same one he has when he feels like he misses an important piece of his puzzle, my heart drops.

"You've been gone for almost nine months, Raph."

Nine months? It couldn't have been nine months, they were just weeks, I'm sure of that! It doesn't add up this way, it just doesn't. If we were there for so long we should've starved, we should've been dead. We even had some sort of time-scale. The beatings, the bottles of water, they came once a day, right? It couldn't have been… months.

"Maybe I can help with this," a calm and light voice says from the other side of the Shellraiser. I turn towards the girl, Linda, and suddenly feel like I don't trust her as much as I did a couple of minutes ago. She's still in that conspiracy, she works for them. Her face turns towards Donnie and me, her eyes flickering in a dangerous anger I'm not sure if it is focused to me or to somebody else. My gut tells me the latter. Her lips are set into a firm line and her hands shake a little until she forms them into fists.

"They did a lot more to you than what you know of, Raphael. A lot more harm is done."

**Oooooh, cliffie. How I love those, do you guys love them too? Hehe sorry I really didn't mean for this to happen but I gotta go to a birthday now so that's why I cut it off here. Next week I think there will be another chapter, with a lot more explaining and stuff. **

**Till then, enjoy the fact that the family is all happy and back together again and that I didn't actually murder Leo. It was a serious possibility you know. Not that he's off the hook now, none of them are MUHAHAHAH.**

**See ya!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Okay I **_**know**_** I should update Unbelievable True sometime but I'm terribly stuck on that one and I couldn't get myself to think of someone dear dying for the last couple of weeks. So I'm sorry alright. Just take a cookie and enjoy this new chapter ;)**

**And I really wanna thank some people too for being my fateful reviewers. Thank you Athese, my sweet baby sister, .7, Raigon, MissCookiiie, Zelgadis55, mikeysgirl228, TJHECTOR, 6suzy7, Bluestar-TMNT-Warriors, bookworm563, Pimino (why haven't I heard from you for so long, I miss you), Lil PriNCeSs Me, , HowToBeCreative (who just joined the gang) and last but not least my nameless guest reviewer who of course is not less appreciated. And please all get easier names like Penny or Leah or whatever because typing this all out is a pain in the ass XD.**

**For everyone who doesn't review but still reads, why don't you review? *pouts* Just kidding, you're all amazing!**

**Chapter 11: always**

"What do you mean?" I mutter and can't help but yawn, the tiredness finally hitting me. The adrenaline that had me going during all of this has finally left my system and with that the bliss of moving painlessly. I hiss harshly when Donnie brushes my shoulder and it sends him in a frenzy immediately.

The woman, Linda, also looks up with a twinkle of fright in her eyes when she scans me over.

"I had almost forgotten," she says, obviously talking to Donnie but keeping her gaze on me. "Raphael has dislocated his shoulder."

Donnie immediately starts probing the swollen area, mumbling to himself, probably about how he should've noticed I was hurt and sending himself in a guilt trip. He's the doctor sure, so he thinks it's his job. But I'm too drained to fight the treatment of his fast fingers or comfort him for that matter. I just can't. I feel fuzzy all over.

"Don't call me Raphael," I suddenly say, only half aware because my younger brother is now wrapping up my arm and it hurts worse than I expected. Man, I really am tired. "It's Raph. Raphael's a monster."

She merely nods but doesn't reply. It annoys me. I don't know this woman, I only know she's working for the psycho that almost killed my baby bro. And now she should be his savior? It doesn't matter right now. If she's here she can better give me some answers. At least it might distract me from the pain.

"Now what did ya mean?"

She shakes her head slightly, her ponytail falling over first the right shoulder and then the left. Only now I realize she is, in fact, beautiful. Her dark hair and fair skin, her almond shaped eyes. She's definitely from Japanese descent, she has to.

"You're not ready for that," she answers me simply. Taking out a needle, back and two strange bottles. She places the back next to her and lines up a needle first. Mikey's hand is gently taken out of the gel and I almost gag at the mangled skin hanging from his wrist and fingers. It's awful what they've done to him. She probes the area a bit and lays the hand back down. She moves towards the other wrist and does the same, only to find that his left wrist can't be worked with either.

"I'm going to line the IV up in his neck, if that's alright with you. The left side of his face is still largely intact."

Donnie's face scrunches up painfully and I can see the tears lingering in his eyes, ready to fall. And they do eventually. He doesn't make a sound though. He grieves in silence, afraid to lose the hope before he has the right to let go of it completely. He still wants to give Mikey a chance. How do I know he feels that way? Because the same emotions course through my brain at this moment, making me feel numb again, safe for the painful throbs in my shoulder.

I place my head on my brother's shoulder and he immediately puts his own on mine. Somewhere during the trip we both fall asleep that way. Exhaustion from the pain, physical and mental, making itself master and putting us under in a dreamless sleep.

TMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNT

When I wake up Mikey's already being loaded out of the van at top speed by Linda. Donnie follows her immediately, leaving me behind with my only older brother. Said brother carefully wraps an arm around me, being careful of my injured shoulder now hanging in a sling. He steers me towards my room, claiming that I need sleep but I refuse. I don't want to get into small spaces now. I don't want to be alone. And most importantly, I don't want any sleep.

So Leo lays me down on the couch instead, insisting on my at least lying so I take my rest. He leaves for a little while and comes back with a shitload of pills and a breathing mask. Before I can ask anything, he starts explaining.

"It's for the kidney failure. Don says I still got some poisoning going around because my kidneys didn't function and these pills are supposed to stimulate them to clean it up. It's not like we got any dialysis machines like they do in hospitals. It's the second best thing."

I nod slightly, wincing at the movement as it hurts my shoulder's muscles. It's quite scary to think of Leo almost dying. A little hard to imagine too. I mean, he just rescued us. He just killed a man. He doesn't look sick to me at all. But I know what Leo can do. He'd do anything for us, even if it means putting himself at risk or suffering because of it. That's the way it's always been.

"What's the mask for?" I ask, still bothered by how weak my voice sounds.

"My lungs don't function properly yet, I need some extra oxygen intake just so I won't have a too low blood count. I blacked out a couple of times because of that. According to Don I'll only need this thing for another week or so."

A burning feeling spreads from my throat to my stomach. He's really put himself at risk for coming. All the time I've been stuck in that cell the only one I could think about was Mikey. I needed to make sure he would get out alive and well. At the last part I failed though. But what really has me worried is that there had been a chance that neither one of us would even return to two brothers home. I'm not even sure if we could've returned to Donnie. He's been a wreck, I can see it in his eyes, in his skinny posture and the creases in his face. If Leo had died Don would've given up as well. And just like that it hits me. We were so close of losing our family; our entire family.

"Hey Raph," Leo suddenly whispers. I look up at him and he gives me a small smile before taking another breath in the oxygen mask. When he takes it away he says: "We're all here now. All of us and we're alive. Mikey's gonna live Raph and if you're worried, so am I."

I can't keep the shock from my face when I stare at him. I know Leo has everyone figured out but this is just insane. How'd he do that?

Leo chuckles a little. "You're easy to read Raph. Your face is like an open book. Your mind too."

He stops for a while and breathes deeply into the mask a few times. I can see he wants to tell me something. Something important. But he hesitates. Leo is all about procrastination when he finds it difficult to say something. Not with the lectures, no he has them prepared. But when he hasn't had the time to think about it, meditate on it or something, my brother is as lost for words as Donnie is when being around April, or Mikey when someone finally managed to pull a joke at his expense.

"Do you remember hearing me?"

I almost fail of the couch when he says that, startling me with the words as much as with the tone. He sounds really insecure. As if there's some dirty secret he's been hiding and actually doesn't want me to know.

"What do ya mean, Leo? When should I have heard you?"

He shrugs his shoulders unhappily and looks at me with guilt written all over his features. His eyes seem a little darker blue, almost like a wet autumn sky because of the small tears lingering in the corners. I make no remark of them though. Leo and I don't cry. That's an unspoken agreement between us and we're both very keen on keeping it that way.

"I think I need to begin at the beginning," he says, taking another few breaths, keeping himself occupied with the machine for a few seconds.

I almost huff at the response though. Since when does everyone need to announce that it is indeed a perfectly sane thing to begin at the very _beginning_.

"When I got into that coma and all. Well, first I still could hear Donnie and Master Splinter around me. I was into this black space and there wasn't anything else there. I was just floating. But I drifted away, farther and farther and then there was this other place. It was beautiful there, Raph, I know you would've loved it. There was so much nature, so much freedom. It's kinda hard to explain but everything looked a lot more like it should be. Master Splinter later explained me it was the Spiritual Plane. That because of my decreasing brain activity, my soul could detach itself and venture into the spiritual realms hidden away from earth."

I keep listening and don't interrupt for once. I'm not very sure where this is going to but it is obvious Leo needs to tell me this, to get it of his chest. I guess I can understand it's hard for him to tell what has happened when he was comatose. He almost died, drifted of never to wake up again.

"It was in that place I could hear you Raph. You and Mikey, I could hear the both of you. At least when you were asleep. I sometimes tried to contact you guys but you never seemed to hear me. I once did slip into your dream world though. That was an accident."

I shoot my head up from where I'm lying, staring directly into Leo's dark blue eyes. He was there, he was really there. I remember, it was just after Mikey got stabbed in his shoulder. I had a nightmare, a bad one. But instead of me sliding Mikey's throat or doing another gruesome thing like most of my nightmares consisted of at that time, Leo appeared and snatched the knife away. He had held me in that dream. It was the best one I had during that time and the day after I had managed to get a smile on Mikey's lips too. One of the better days.

"I see you remember that," Leo softly says. I quietly nod and motion for him to continue. He does. He speeds up a bit too. If that is because he knows he now has my full attention or just because he wants to get this over with, I don't know.

"Ever since that I felt that connection between us. I couldn't contact you anymore but I heard your voice far more clearly on the Spiritual Plane. Even when you were awake. I thought it had broken when Donnie brought me back though. No matter how long I would meditate, how deep I would curl into my own mind, I couldn't find you and neither could I hear Mikey."

He takes a deep sigh and I know what he actually is afraid of telling, is coming now. I sit up, not minding the annoyed glare he is giving me, and scuffle over a little. Sometimes even the Fearless Leader needs some support.

"It was only when we were driving the Shellraiser on our way to rescue you that I heard you again. You… You screamed really bad. You were in so much pain Raph. So much anger."

His voice is thick with emotion and I'm sure mine won't sound any better if I even would try to speak up. I remain quiet though, trying not to relive that awful moment when I saw Mikey in the blazes of fire, screaming for a bliss that only came with his imminent death.

"I was glad you remembered the memory. I was glad you calmed down a little. Maybe you didn't see what you were doing but in some strange way I could. I saw the glass room, I knew who was in there and I knew his time was ticking away. And I was so relieved when you got back to yourself again."

I collapse into my older brother's hold, not minding that I do. I need my brother's reassurance right now, like I needed Donnie's when we were moments of our rescue. He wraps his arms around me and presses me towards his plastron. I refuse to let tears fall but I know I'm close. And that Leo is too. But we were always too stubborn for our own good.

"I can't believe you were there. I just can't believe it," I say, not feeling like myself at all. I feel like floating, as if it is not me who is speaking. It's the emotions, I would later rationalize, that were speaking for me. And the reason why that feeling was unfamiliar is because I always repressed them our would release them into anger.

"You saved Mikey."

And Leo holds me tighter, a force and a strength I rely on at this moment. I cherish it with everything I have. Building myself up out of the power my older brother supplies. Just like he apparently did not that long ago.

"You saved Mikey, Raph. I merely got you out of that trance. Out of that anger."

I nod against his plastron, taking comfort in our closeness. We've always been close but in a different way. More in a team-like way. It was always me and Leo, the big brothers who needed to work together for the well-being of our younger ones. But now it's different. Now I'm the little brother. And for the first time in my life, I do not mind it at all.

"You saved me," I mutter, letting another yawn escape my lips. It will be the second time I fall asleep against a brother. Probably the second time in my life too. Like this then. Not when my brothers were the ones that needed my comfort. Then the nights I've shared with them couldn't be counted, especially the ones with Mikey.

The last thing I hear before drifting off into a sound sleep is a promise I know I can _always_ hang on to. A reassurance I never knew I would need. But after everything that happened, all the insecurities I went through, this is what I truly will need whenever a situation like this might come around again. Why do I know that? Because that's what's been promised.

"Always."

**Awww I felt like tearing up after writing this! Like it, don't like it, sent a review either way. I know at least I'm glad I've written it this way. Raph's experiencing a major mental breakdown right now and I thought he could totally use a big brother, no matter how often he exclaims he can take care of himself. He's been tortured bad, mentally sure, but still tortured. I think this gave him some peace of mind. Well, maybe. I'm gonna do some evil things with this muhahahaa.**

**Bye!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Okay you guys. This will be the last chapter of the 'first part' of this story. After that chapters start to get a little darker actually, a little more mental torture and stuff. But please first enjoy this last chapter in which I'm gonna finally give you guys some answers, yay!**

**Chapter 12: cracking**

It's been a couple of weeks since Leo and Donnie got us out of that hell hole. It hasn't been easy on any of us but somehow we managed to pull through. The biggest surprise of all is that Mikey is still breathing as Don didn't expect him to make it another week. Him and Linda worked their asses off though and even with them keeping a constant vigil on his condition, Mikey's heart stopped beating for another two times the first night. According to Don it was the shock making him do that. His body was exhausted.

And not to mention Leo. All the stressing and him being up and about while actually still sick made him catch a bad case of the flu. He had been delirious for almost a week and with Donnie working himself to death already it was mostly me taking care of him. Not that I minded. I needed to do something productive, I still need to.

Ever since Leo got better things have been quiet around the lair. We haven't been doing patrol, Master Splinter claiming that none of us is ready for that. And as Leo is still weak, Donnie hardly sleeps and Mikey is… well the way he is, we've been slacking off training too. Without the physical activity we usually do and hardly anything to entertain us, I feel like I'm going crazy. And Leo's no better, he's getting irritable which I think might also be because of his worry over us.

The only thing that really calms me down is sitting at Mikey's bedside. Seeing my little brother slowly healing, his heart beat and breathing getting better, it calms me down. Donnie even got him of life-support some days ago and thinks it won't take that long for him to wake up. I hope that day comes soon. I need to figure some things out and Mikey has to help with that. When he's ready for it of course. He isn't lying in the strange chemical anymore. His burns are already scarring over and are now bandaged. His cuts and other wounds are healing well too and the only problem left really is the breathing. Donnie has cleaned him from the smoke inhalation but his lungs aren't fully functioning yet. Linda worries about them ever being able to do that again. Not that it matters, Mikey is done being a ninja. The damage is too much. Leo says we need to have faith, believe in Mikey but I'm not stupid. The scarring will only get worse and when he wakes up and Donnie can assess the mobility he still has, I'm pretty sure there'll be bad news. But all in all, he's alive and I guess I should be glad. I hope Mikey thinks about it the same way though.

Suddenly I feel a cold hand landing on my shoulder which makes me jump. I turn around, almost throwing the chair I'd been sitting on to the ground. I glare at the one who dared to sneak up on me and to my surprise it is Linda. I haven't really seen her around much, she's always working in the lab or somewhere topside in the hotel she's staying. She told us her actual home is somewhere in North Carolina.

"I didn't mean to startle you," she mumbles politely, taking me in with a curious glance. I don't say anything in return when I sit back down. She makes me nervous. It's hard to have someone you don't know being the only one to stand in between the life and death of your brother. Especially when you thought she was in the bad-guy's conspiracy too.

"I need to speak with you," she says next after she notices I'm not going to reply to her. "I need to have told you this before your brother wakes up."

My head snaps back up and I narrow my eyes at her. Why do I have the feeling that, although she is an ally, she has way to many secrets and tricks on her sleeve? No matter how hard I try to convince myself, I can't trust her. Not yet.

"What do you want?" I hiss more aggressively than intended.

"They really have had you for nine months Raph, what Donatello said was true," she says, stumbling over the word Raph, reminding herself not to say the name Raphael out loud. She has done that multiple times before and it angered me. "They have moved you to different locations without your knowledge while you were captive."

I shake my head, getting annoyed with her polite and steady voice. Never does she seem to speak any emotions, just factual and in an even tone. "We've been in that cell for the whole time, lady. No way they moved us."

I let my eyes roam over the still body of my brother before placing a soft hand on one of his burned arms. I'm glad he's getting better but I wish the bandages that are on now could stay forever. I don't want to see what's under there.

"They did." I sigh in annoyance. Doesn't she get I don't want to talk? Not about this.

"Do you remember how the hallways I led you through seemed a bit out of place?" I give her a slight nod, turning my head to show her I'm listening albeit not enthusiastically.

"The place you have been in was a new type of technology. It is like a hologram only a hundred times stronger. It is able to convert molecules into new ones, producing an environment with the actual feeling of what they are trying to produce. It's highly advanced, just like about everything that you have encountered those months. The chemical that saved your brother is one. As well as the Plexiglas that didn't melt under the extreme heat of the fire. The ones that held you captive are chemists and physicists of the highest levels but all of them shunned by society as their experimenting wasn't completely… legal. By hiring them Raphael could make sure your brother experienced the worst torture possible."

I can see how she swallows after the last sentence, not even minding my soft growl at the monster's name. Maybe there is some emotion in that woman after all. She softly sighs before continuing her story.

"What I want to tell you, is that while you may have been unconscious when they moved the two of you, your brother hasn't always been. Within the first few days Raphael noticed the strong bond between you and tried to wrack it. The moving would only take a day or three. After that he would keep you out for sometimes over a week, a couple of times close to four. During that time Michelangelo would be tested on, tortured mercilessly so they could see if they could break him if he was not near the comfort of his elder brother. But he was very brave."

My eyes are burning because of what she tells me. They hurt Mikey that much? They've put him through the unthinkable and I didn't even know. He never told me!

I glance up and see a soft smile playing on Linda's lips. "Yeah, he was really brave."

I nod, a ghost of a smile taking over my face for a second before it disappears. I can't help but feel terrible at the thought of Mikey being hurt more than I thought. And being alone, damn it.

"Only in the last few weeks they kept you together again. It was the moment they stabbed him in his shoulder that they knew they couldn't separate you again or you would figure out the wound healed to fast. The burns, the acid, they kept torturing him with that so you wouldn't notice the wounds weren't as fresh as before. Stabbing him again and again would be too obvious though."

I push the nauseous feeling that keeps spreading through my stomach down while swallowing the bile out of my throat. We've been through so much lately and just when I think I've seen it all, these demons appear to be even more evil than I thought. Something in the back of my mind wonders if you can ever get used to the sick feeling that comes with the knowledge of your baby brother being tortured to death, but I pay it no attention. I will find out sooner or later.

"Raphael grew tired of your defiance. That of you and your brother. And if burning him to death wasn't bad enough, he wanted you to go through the pain of seeing your brother die twice. Lucky for us or he wouldn't be here right now," Linda concludes her story.

Only now I notice how hard my hands are clenching the armrests of my chair. I was so occupied with the awful feelings of sickness and pain within myself I didn't notice what was going on outside. Slightly the same as in that dungeon. I had felt so powerless there and I didn't even know half of what they did to us. I was literary kept in the dark. Why didn't Mikey say something though? He could've told me instead of doing this all by himself.

"Why did he do this to us? Why did he do this to Mikey?" My voice sounds a lot more broken than I wanted it to and inwardly I curse myself. I don't get why this woman makes me feel so angry, so lost, so… hopeless. She has seen everything there, knows about what happened to me more than I did, than I still do, and she had looked down at us when we were there. While they tortured Mikey and drugged me to the point I was out for weeks.

"Because of you." It sounds harsh, cold, but it isn't directed towards me. She's angry but not at me and not at Mikey. I see how her eyes flicker something dangerous for a second before they turn stoic again.

"You murdered his brother. Raphael was in the Footclan when he was younger but his little brother didn't approve. At one point the child followed him out and got himself killed. It was by your hand."

It hurts. We never aim to kill people, we only do out of self-defence. To know that I hit an innocent kid out there, it really hurts but strangely enough I do not feel the guilt I expected. I guess I cannot bring up the empathy I should feel for Raphael and his brother. They shouldn't have been there, period. And they especially shouldn't have come after my own brother. It doesn't matter what I did, if you touch my family you are dead. Still the numb feeling at the revelation scares me. Shouldn't I feel as sick as when she told me about what Mikey went through?

"That's all. I thought you needed to know this so you Michelangelo wouldn't need to tell. I guess I am leaving now."

Before she can turn around I grab her hand, standing up from my chair again. She looks me into my eyes and for a slight moment I can see the pain hiding there. I wonder where it comes from.

"Who are you?" I ask. "How do you know all this? Who was that kid? What does this have to do with a poor kid?"

She struggles out of my grip and rolls her arms a bit, trying to gain back her composure. I stare at her for a while, silently demanding an answer from here. Her face is directed towards the door so I can't see it. I can clearly hear her voice when she speaks though.

"I was Raphael's fiancée. We never really married though. The only thing he would be occupied with was his revenge. Revenge at you for murdering the only one in his life he truly cared about. It killed him from the inside and affected his mind and soul, like a venom. Like poison. He was lost long before I tried to get him back to me."

With that she walks out of the room. I listen to her heels on the tiled floor until she's good and well out of the lair. After that I sit back down again and place a hand on the bandaged head of my brother.

Blood is rushing through my ears and I feel slightly dizzy. I feel hot but I'm shaking all over and it's hard to swallow. My mind keeps spinning into circles, trying to make sense of everything I'm just told. Hate is slowly bubbling up.

I'm so lost in my own world I don't even notice the movement from under my hand. \

**And that's the ending of part 1. Please review and tell me if you liked it, if you don't get it and want me to explain or just because you want to :D See ya guys!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey guys, missed me? For the ones who didn't know yet, I've been in Oxford for a week and except for reading a chapter once in a while I haven't really been able to do anything on . But no worries, all the alert-emails have been saved and I'm gonna work them through as soon as I can. So if you haven't got your review or PM or whatever, it's on his way ;)**

**Other than that I have brought tons of inspiration from the beautiful writer's city of Oxford, home to Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and Chronicles of Narnia. So please enjoy my newly acquired inspirations and muses and whatnot. **

**Part 2**

**Chapter 13: years**

"Michelangelo."

I don't shout. I know I don't have to as we're trained ninjas after all. His lone figure stands on top of one of the highest rooftops around here, mine being only two buildings away. Suddenly he starts moving, closing the distance in between us up until we're a few feet apart. While he's running I notice everything. The limp in his right leg, the slight twitching his fingers cause against the soft city lights and the single blue eye glistering as much as it has always done.

He tries to stand in one of the scarce shadows, trying to hide the marks on his skin I have already memorized after all those years. It doesn't matter to him though, he is so conscious about what he looks like now. As if being a green mutant wasn't bad enough, especially for him.

"What are you doing here, Mikey?" I mutter, unable to keep the gruff undertone out of my voice.

He shrugs uncomfortably and my eyes immediately follow the small spasm working its way through his arm, going from the shoulder to his fingers, making them twitch again. His head makes a jerk as well but it is difficult to see when one is not looking for it. I'm not sure if it is because he has become good at hiding the movements or if he's truly getting better.

"I was bored. Needed some fresh air and all. According Donnie it's good for me to move around, stretch my muscles and all. If I stop doing that he says I'll get worse again." He slowly drops the sentence, the words losing their bite when being said quitter. He doesn't like bringing up his long recovery process because it bothers him too much. Three years. Three goddamned years of him having to live like this. Like a crippled and a strung puppet, always walking around with pain and unable to keep control over his limbs.

"Don or Leo would've taken you to Central Park for that. Hell, they hardly allow you out of the sewers anymore, it's kinda hard to believe you came here with their permission."

His head slumps a little and I unintentionally flinch. The thick layers of scarring over his right eye startle me every time again. It's probably the most horrific of his injuries and neither Don nor Linda can tell if there is still a working baby blue eye underneath all the angry dark-green skin.

"I just wanted to see you again, okay?" He finally mutters in defeat. His voice is bitter and he sharply narrows the only eye left which makes it only harder for me to still be able to see his face well. "You haven't been home for almost two and a half years now Raph, when is it going to stop?"

I refuse to look him into the face. Not out of shame but because when I do I know I'll feel guilty nevertheless. He doesn't understand what I'm doing, that I need to do this to be able to find closure to what happened to us. And not just for me, but him as well. I'm trying to keep him safe so he won't ever have to suffer as much as he did, to keep my other two brothers from going through the same faith. It's the only thing I can do. Why doesn't he get that? Why does he have to ruin everything?!

I growl sharply and take a few steps backwards, turning around roughly and making myself ready to leave. I'm not sure why I let him anger me this easily but at this moment I don't care. I need to get away, vent my pent up energy on someone else. Not him.

"You're gonna bust some heads in now? Or worse?"

Stupid kid. Always has to ask the difficult questions, never leaving me alone when I need it. I saved him, I've protected him and now I can't get rid of him. I wish he, they, would just leave me alone and let me handle the stuff that needs to be dealt with. I might be known as the hothead of our family but I can take care of myself. And Mikey, I've done what I needed to do. I promised myself I would bring my baby brother back home safely, or at least alive as 'safe' is not the accurate enough, not even after three years. But he's home now nevertheless. He has two big brothers looking after him and Master Splinter to protect him from the demons that are still following him during the night. He told me about those sometimes, the nightmares I mean. Back when he was healing and I wouldn't leave his side other than the main necessities.

"Just get the hell out of here Mike. Go back to the guys and Splinter."

He doesn't make a move though other than the corner of his mouth pulling up a little. After everything that happened to him I had never thought he would be able to smile ever again. But I guess Mikey's always been one-of-a-kind as the first thing that he did the day he woke up was smiling up to me. One of those little-brother-smiles, the ones they give you when they're truly happy to see you. The ones you'll never admit you love more than anything.

"You've forgotten, didn't you?"

I let go of a huge sigh and turn around, making a big show out of acting as annoyed as possible. This kid always manages to get me to turn around, to get me to hear him out even though I know what he says often is just bullshit.

He takes a few steps forward but more casually than the last time he did. Truth be told, we've grown apart since the incident. Me and all of my brothers. I care about them but I can't face them at the moment, not when all I see in their eyes is disappointment and pity. Mikey is right, it's weird not being home for over two and a half years but I come to visit them often enough. Just never in the lair. I make sure I meet Donnie and Leo every Monday for a patrol and that I see Mikey often enough when he's training in the sewers. I'm not gone, just out. And I'm coming back when I'm ready. If they would only get that.

"I haven't forgotten, I know what day it is but I ain't gonna come. I didn't last year either."

The smile never falters and the shining in his blue eye seems a little brighter. I pray to all deities that it isn't because of salty tears gathering in there. But other than that I have my normal younger brother standing in front of me. Michelangelo when he was still an obnoxious brat of a ninja, instead of a broken kid that just doesn't want to admit how hurt he is. According to Leo it isn't an act but I can see through. Mikey's still having a hard time coping and I should know that better than anyone, I've seen him suffer after all. It's hard to say but those kind of moments bring two brothers together.

"But you did come the year before that. Please Raph, please come with me now. The others want to see you too. And Master Splinter."

He keeps begging, coming up with arguments as to why I should come and I watch him with both amusement and endearment. I cannot help it. He's my kid brother after all and it's good to see him truly like himself once in a while. He seems to really want me there.

Eventually I silently walk past my brother, brushing his shoulder in a silent invitation to follow me. He does happily, skipping along at some moments up until he notices that the grimace on his face when he hurts his leg doesn't sit with me well. He keeps on chattering though and I let him. It's one of the few things he still can do and once Donnie told me how glad he was that the smoke has never damaged anything inside that could've caused Mikey to become a mute. If there are three things Mikey is entirely passionate about it's pranking, talking and drawing. And as he already had to give up on his heritage, being a ninja, most of his pranks and his favourite past time drawing, it would be cruel for him to have to live the rest of his life in silence.

The sewer tunnels leading towards our home come closer far too soon and when I know all there is left is two bends and a couple of hundred feet straight on, I stop. Mikey doesn't seem to notice in the beginning and when he does his face crashes. The way the corners of his mouth drop strains the scar tissues above his lips and his widening eye wrinkles the skin on his forehead.

"Don't tell me-"

"I promised ya, Mikey. I would make sure you would get home to your brothers. Always. I've done that now so just… go"

The last word almost sounds desperate and I know Mikey heard that too. I give him one last wave before turning around and not looking back, afraid that I'll stay if I look at his crestfallen face another time.

I'm glad I've walked him home though. He stubbornly keeps the nunchaku in his belt but we all know he can't fight with them anymore. Even the slightest movements in his shoulders will cause spasms which often results in either him hitting himself with the wooden weapons or dropping them. I know he still tries to fight with them though. I've seen bruises on his legs and a couple on his lower arm.

Without me noticing I place one of my hands on my sai. I pull it back in surprise and grab the weapon out of my leather belt. A small piece of paper is tied around it with an elastic band and for a moment I wonder how deep in thought I must have been for me not noticing it being slipped around it.

_Happy 18__th__ birthday, you stupid, stubborn Hothead. Hope to see you later, Mikey._

And despite myself I smirk. The kid knows me far too well. And for one night, I decide I can do without doing my usual rounds. I can take a break, get myself a beer somewhere and celebrate the day of our supposed to be birth on my own.

"The freak!"

Or not.

**Yeah, loved the ending, didn't you guys? :D Now please leave reviews and stuff and as promised I'm gonna reply to everything and review every story I've missed over the last week very soon. So be patient with me ;) Also, I was kinda in a good mood so this chapter isn't as dark yet. Just a fair warning hehe. **

**See ya guys!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey you guys, here's the new chapter! Hope you all still like the story so far cuss there's still a lot to come :D Anyways, I want to thank everyone whose reading this story and especially the ones who faithfully read and review every time I update. You guys totally rock!**

**So here's a bit of an insight in Raph's life the last couple of years. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 14: solitude**

The cooling rain on my body washes off the last remains of the burning adrenaline that coursed through me moments ago. The sai in my belt are still dripping from the blood and I can feel how some drops trail down my legs together with the rain. Blood has always been thicker than water.

I don't turn around. I can't turn around. It is strange. The one thing that has scared me the most has now become my greatest ally. When it took me over when Mikey was burned I learned to fear it because it made me lose touch with reality. Now it protects me from the things I've done. As long as there is no family or friends for me to look after, I can let the red haze consume my mind without hesitation and when I do, it allows me to do… tremendous things.

This time it was a group of Footninjas that spotted me but they were newbies. A lot of fresh meat has been recruited lately. I guess they're running out of soldiers to send. I'm not sure how long it has taken me to finish them all off, the anger that clouds my mind doesn't let anything through. No senses, no pain, no voice of reason. Not like the day Mikey was murdered. There's a difference between now and then. At that moment I was scared for what happened to me, I was angry but scared. Not anymore. I let this power take me, I'm not afraid of it I work with it while it helps me with my task: to kill every single Footninja in this godforsaken country.

According to Leo it's a deadman's job but he told me that so long ago. He didn't know what I could do then. What I was capable of if I just let go of myself. He doesn't understand how it feels. That I need to do this for them. To keep them safe from having to go through the same as Mikey had to. To keep them safe from having to go through the same as I had to. What if the Foot attacks them again?

I can hear a growl far away but still I know it comes from me. The red edges around my vision tell me I'm losing myself again. I don't try to manage it, I watch it unfold. Inside my head I wonder if I could've done this all while actually watching, committing murder with my own hand instead of having something else move my body. But I know the answer. It's simple, I couldn't. Master Splinter taught us self-defence, he didn't turn us into assassins. And I ain't one either. As much as I try not to believe in that anymore, I am still only 18 years old, 15 when I started this. I'm not a killer. But the job needs to be done somehow. It's probably the reason that I never look back to see what I've caused though. It would destroy me, eat me alive if I ever see the destruction, the murder, the dead men. They can't return to their homes. But why would they deserve it. I almost had no one to return either when they captured me and my brother.

For a second I see the young faces of the Footninjas from half an hour ago. Even the shouting before they launched into an attack had been in shakey voices. Those kids were scared out of their minds. And after that, no idea but I don't think any of them is getting home tonight. Not ever.

When the haze evaporates I'm glad to see the only blood is coming from my knuckles. I've made unintentional kills before, innocent people instead of ninja scum. I'm in an alleyway now though, while I originally started on a rooftop. Metal bins are dented, wood has splintered and brick walls have crumbled. I quietly hiss when the cold water out of the sky hits my stinging hands and decide that enough has happened for today. Luckily Mikey came early, he wouldn't have wanted to see me like this.

I make my way back home over the rooftops again, wasting no time on finding another fight to throw myself into. I'm not in the mood now. It's my birthday after all. I snort. As if that's worth celebrating.

When I'm on top of the right building, I take the fire-escape to climb down into the alley. I squat besides one of the windows that lead towards the basements of the building. It needs to be wriggled a little until it swings open. I climb in and find the old beat-up mattress right there with the few other things I've taken with me when I moved out of the lair. The small room belongs to Casey's dad but they hardly come here. There's boxes filled with junk like for Halloween and Christmas and stuff. And Casey's old bike from when he was younger, a pink skateboard that doesn't look like it's ever been outside and some mechanics only God and Donnie know where it came from.

I grab a towel and dry myself off before sitting down on my mattress. Not that long after I hear someone at the door. I hide although I'm pretty sure it's Casey.

"Hey Raph," I hear a whisper and with a soft grunt I come out from behind the boxes. "Mike told me you got him home. Uhm happy birthday still, I guess."

I nod as way of saying thanks but otherwise ignore him. He sounds nervous, not much like himself. I get it though. There'd been a party at the lair, like every other mutation day. And he'd been there and I hadn't.

"Listen, Master Splinter gave me this. Told me it was your present this year. He wanted to give you them all personally but when you didn't come and didn't listen to Mike either. Well he gave it to me."

I turn around, my hands still fumbling with the gauze I try to wrap around my knuckles. It's not easy but I got better at it with the practise I got. My eyes widen when I see what Casey gets from behind his back though. There's no paper around it, as if you can ever find wrapping paper inside dumpsters, so I immediately see the gift. And it makes me catch my breath.

I had forgotten about that. When we were little Master Splinter had started on our juzu. It's a bracelet with wooden beads, sometimes called Buddhist Prayer Beads. It's traditional to give them to Japanese adolescents on the second Monday of January in the year they turn twenty. It's when they come of age. However, Master Splinter wanted to give them to us when we turn eighteen instead, mixing his heritage with that off more western traditions. It's a birthday gift all four of us have waited our whole lives for. It's completely handmade by our sensei, every beat rounded to perfection by what could only be days of sanding and polishing.

I take the present in my hand and stare. There are three charms on it, a lucky three meaning 'birth', and the kanji for fire on each of them. "Be as fierce as fire," I mutter, forgetting Casey is there.

"Huh?" the human asks.

"Nothing," I say. "Thanks for taking this with you. I think you should go up, your dad's gonna wonder where you are."

He takes my advice without questioning it, probably understanding that I want to be alone right now. That's the only good thing that has come out of this mess, that Casey's proven to be a good friend, one I can count on.

I grab the bracelet and put it where it belongs, with the other stuff that means too much for me to get on without. After that I finish wrapping up my hands and lay down, ready for a good night of sleep.

It's hard to find though. Sleep never comes easy but this time is worse than other nights. The rain is still dripping down, clattering softly against the window I've left open. The room is so damp and smelly I don't mind the cold evading the room as long as the fresh air will get in. I wrap myself a little tighter in my blanket but it doesn't help.

The eerie feeling won't leave my stomach. It's strange, I haven't felt like this for such a long time. The last time was when I told my family I would leave the lair. I felt just as empty then, alone. I sit up and rub my face in frustration. I grab the small notebook next to me and open it on a random page.

"Luckily I'm not the only one who felt this way," I mumble when I start reading.

**Gees so many things to research and look up for just one chapter! Anyways hope you liked this bit plus the extra Japanese context. How I love learning about their culture. And sorry for their not being a fight, I tried but it turned out a bit too hard as Raph isn't actually **_**there**_** when killing. So I cut it out.**

**See ya guys!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey guys, you missed me? Okay so I know you're all super pissed with me or worried like Athese (I'm so sorry baby sis I didn't mean to) but I got a very good reason for ignoring you and not giving you any reviews. I kinda, sorta thought I could nail this one jump with gymnastics at school and broke three fingers and heavily bruised the rest (who the hell was that idiot who told me to always land on your hands if I fell?!). And let me tell you, yes that hurts as bad as it sounds. I've like, not slept for three nights because whenever I hit my hands against even a pillow I would cry out. But except for the broken fingers everything feels a lot better now. At least good enough for me to type. Not that fast but I can get stuff on paper. No you're probably all like, I don't care I just want my review, and I'm gonna try to catch up with that, I promise. But if I can't make it to reply to everything, you're gonna have a rocking review the next chapter, kay? ;)**

**Anyways you're in luck because my imagination didn't take a break at all. Expect a lot of updating this week hahaha, and a drabble-box I'm opening up but the explanations to that will come later. Enjoy the update now, cuss I bet you guys have grown tired of my stupid rambling, see ya!**

**Chapter 15: overshadow**

_The excitement of that night's fight had left my body long ago, together with the adrenaline that kept me going the whole time. Shadows were everywhere but I couldn't make out any figures. I could hear chaos, smelled the fear all the while I was trying not to lose myself in the crowd. It can be deadly if that happens._

_It was after I had lost my tanto and only had my last two loyal weapons gripped in my hands, I decided to search for higher grounds, dreading to think of what I could do if I was rendered defenceless. It was on the fire escape that I saw him. I wouldn't have recognized him because of the black shadows that were encasing his body but those bright baby blue eyes pierce through even the darkest nights. _

_I knew why he was here, he wanted me to stop. He was there to drag my sorry but back home where he thought it would be safe. Stupid boy, he's getting himself killed, I remember thinking when I continued watching him from the fire escape while he tried to get down from the rooftop on the opposite side of the alleyway in which the fight took place. _

_I needed to stop him, I knew that, but what happened next left me standing there numbly. A figure moved behind him, detaching himself from the darkness, the metal of his weapon glinting in the night. I shouted, not caring if I would be heard or not, but he couldn't hear me at all. He didn't notice the threat behind him either, not until it was too late. _

_And with the first drops of blood my legs started cooperating again, my head rushing with fears and reprimands as I knew that this was all my fault. I didn't pay attention to how I got to the other side but when I did, there was a lot of blood on my hands that hadn't been there previously. It certainly wasn't my own. _

_When I skidded to a halt at the edge of the rooftop, where my little brother was lying on his back, my breathing regulated a bit more. One of his innocent, young hands was dangling over ridge, blood dripping down like rain would. I grabbed a hold of him, laying him against my chest, not minding the sticky substance all over me. I wondered how everything could be so dark except for the red blood. It's horrifying to have always thought of this substance as a failure, getting hurt, maybe even dying. And yet it was the only thing that was needed to save my baby brother's life. Not that it matters now. It was too late. _

_The tears dripping down my face make me feel vulnerable and free at the same time as, even though his heart already stopped beating, his eyes are still flowing over with moisture as well. This is between him and me, or last moment together, crying in pain. And I hate every single second of it. I can hardly see him because of the blackness around me. I can hardly hear my cries because of the slaughter beneath us. And I wish I can remember what his beautiful eyes looked like before they lost their life. It pained me to look at those empty grey orbs after his soul had left. _

_I closed his eyes and covered his chest wound with what I could. It was a straight hit, cutting him right through his heart. I begged he hadn't suffered for even a second and a small voice inside my hand thanked God for his death to have been swift. I quickly silenced it though, because it was far from appropriate. No one deserved gratitude. Someone deserved to suffer. Someone needed to go through the same pain I had to go through at that moment, to feel what it is like to lose the one you cared about the most. _

_I could see which one it was. Red. The red mask around his head had given him away. It's the only colour I could see that night but I had been sure of it. That turtle was going to die. One of his brothers must mean as much to him as Carlo did to me. And when I find out which one it is, my __vengeance__ will be sweet. _

I can't remember this particular night. Maybe I'm supposed to as it is the moment that would change the lives of Mikey and I forever but I just don't. There have been so many. When I killed that boy, I probably hadn't even seen he was a boy or the difference between him being a bystander or a foot soldier. I probably went right at the kill, thinking he wanted to ambush my brothers from higher ground. Would I have let him live if I knew he was just looking for his big brother?

That last line has always intrigued me. I have never really figured out why the word 'vengeance' is underlined but it causes a burning feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I like reading this notebook when I'm alone. Leo had taken it from Raphael the night we had left 'the nightmare factory' as Mikey so affectionately called it. I growl softly. My elder brother had given it to me a week after Mikey woke up, with the confession he had never killed Raphael, that he had committed suicide. I remember how angry I was, how I had torn up the dojo and after that all the heads I had bashed in with Casey on one of our patrols. That anger never really left me.

And that is why I don't understand my fascination for this notebook, this diary of a monster, a devilish creature from hell. The strange thing is, when I read this he doesn't sound like that at all. It's hard to picture the boy who has written this to be the man that tortured my baby brother to death and scared the living shit out of me because of what he made me become.

I'm not blind, I know I have changed. And if I didn't, my brothers would have made sure by telling me over and over again. They want me to come back but I know there is no way out of this now. I have already done too much. And if I turn around now, the burdens of my deeds will crash back onto me a tenfold. And there is no way I could live with that. I know the only thing that's keeping me sane is letting the red haze take over and add more to my death count. Whatever Leo, Donnie or Mikey might say, I'm not their brother anymore, not after I let my youngest down.

I close the diary again, not daring to read on. I've skimmed through a few pages of what comes after this story and quickly found out those were letters to his departed younger brother Carlo. And as much as I'm curious about the bond a inhumane monster can have with his kidbro, I'm not one to read something this personal.

I pick up my birthday present from master Splinter, letting the beads roll between my fingers till I come to one of the charms. "Fierce as fire" it was the kanji that my sensei had given me. I was always proud of that as it made me feel strong and invincible. And I was, I am. Only that came with a price when the same fire took my baby brother away from me. Sure, he's alive but at his essence, he's gone. Not being able to be a ninja anymore, his drawings not half as good as they used to be and his two elder brothers constantly watching him because of his handicaps, that did a number on him. Not to mention the mental damage.

I remember a couple of weeks ago, when Leo had tried to get me home again. I had almost relented.

"_Hey Leo, where's Donnie?"_

_It was Monday, the only day in the week that I tag along with my brothers for patrol. I know they need that as much as I do. I don't want to alienate myself from them, even though those evenings I spent with them often earn me some looks of resent and even worse, pity. _

"_He had to stay with Mikey, he got triggered again."_

_I sigh but from the inside a fire is roaring again. Mikey's coping well, considering, but sometimes he gets these heavy panic attacks. It often happens when he sees something that helps him remember. For example, he hasn't been around any candle or stove pit for three years now because he can't handle fire nearby._

"_What happened?" I ask, a little angry for Don and Leo letting something happen to have Mikey react to it. They know they need to be careful around him! On the other hand I know I can't blame them. I wasn't there either to stop it from happening. Damn it, it's been my fault he has these attacks in the first place. _

"_We were just going to watch a movie," Leo mutters miserably. "We had seen it before, you know, all _that_ had happened and Don and I knew there was nothing in it that would cause Mikey to panic. We didn't think of the advertisements though. It was an old _The Fast and the Furious _trailer which they play before the actual movie starts and yeah… A big explosion and burning bodies was all he needed to freak out and lock himself into your room."_

_For some reason whenever Mikey was afraid he sought refuge in my room, even long after I had left the lair to live at Casey's. According to sensei he instinctively seeks comfort with me because I was the one to take on that role when we were captured. It makes me angry to think of that though. I didn't do shit to keep him safe, I actually pushed him right into the danger. And when he clung to me as he was stabbed, or electrified or poisoned all I could do was hold him and wait with him for the next move!_

"_Raph, he needs you home. He asks for you, you know. When either me or Donnie calms him down after a nightmare he always calls your name till he notices it's us." _

_I know this actually pains Leo a lot, to know that he can't do anything to fix Mikey. That he calls for a brother that isn't him. _

"_He doesn't, Leo, he needs you guys. He'll learn that later on. I'm only making things worse when I get back home."_

_I turn around, walking away because I know this patrol isn't going to get us anywhere tonight. _

"_Raphael, stop."_

_I do, more out of surprise than actually because I listen. Leo hasn't called to me like that in a very long time. After everything that happened our relationship has grown from that of rivals to us being allies, brothers. We had to work together to keep our little brothers safe. Although I took a slightly different approach than he did. It's still true though, that we haven't had a fight in a very long time. And the way he commanded me, it makes me think of all those times before that he yelled at me to stay and listen to him._

_Leo's face furrows into a furious look that has me take a few steps back. He takes a calming breath before he opens his mouth and speaks. _

"_Get your shell back over here and listen to me," he grits through his teeth. I listen, more out of curiosity than anything else. I'm not afraid of our 'fearless leader' he never beat me in a fight, verbal or physical, and this certainly won't be the first time. _

"_You selfish jerk," he hisses. "Feeling bad for yourself because you decide to leave your family to rot for all you care and go up against the world, killing innocent men everywhere you go. Now stop thinking only about yourself and get back home to your brother who needs you more than ever right now!"_

_It didn't take me long to reply. Brother or not, I'm not one to be ordered around or accused. Especially not for abandoning my family. I do all this for them!_

"_You don't know anything about me, Leonardo," I hiss in the same low town he did. "And you can't tell me what to do."_

_With that I leave my blue-clad brother alone. I prick up my ears and listen carefully for him calling me back. He doesn't however, so I leave. A heavy conscience dragging behind me. _

I don't feel guilty about that moment, I don't. Leo shouldn't have pushed me that night.

I lie back down, not feeling any closer to sleep as when I grabbed the notebook and started reading. It's okay though, I have hardly slept for the last three years. It's something you get used to I guess. And there's yet another thing I'm better at than Donnie. And I don't even need the stupid coffee.

With a grim grin I stare through the window I had climbed through a couple of hours ago, gazing at the stars I should've been able to see if it wasn't for the dark and blinding smog that fills the city air, covering all the lights up.

**Damn it, this is like, no action at all or anything! I hope you don't mind this chapter being some sort of a filler but I really wanted to show how harsh Raph's life is, especially during the night.**

**And for everyone who plans to review, please tell me who you thought was narrating in the beginning of the chapter. Because I wanted it to make it still sound like it was Raph until the end of the passage. Did I do a good job or am I far too rusty after almost two weeks?**

**See ya all!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Hey guys, my friend is here again to type this thing out for me! And maybe even some Make More Sound or Drabble Box as well but that is up to her. Otherwise more is coming up soon anyways. **

**Hope you all like this chapter and please review at the end!**

**Chapter 16: End**

Tonight is Monday but instead of meeting up with my brothers for patrol I'm headed the exact opposite way, towards the docks and warehouses at the edge of the city. Last time I did patrol with Leo we ended up having that argument and I haven't seen my brothers since. I thought of at least checking in with Mikey but I know that will only result in me feeling guilty and him being miserable. The little Knucklehead is good at that. He can push all my buttons, make me so goddamn angry I want to bash his head in at one moment, and grab him into a hug to protect him the other. And Leo is no better. Getting me to feel like the worst brother on the planet with a couple of words, me calming down and have me apologising just for the sake of the guilt sliding of my shoulders again. Donnie's a different case. He'll stare at me, trying to find out what's wrong and fix it even when he can't. Then he'll look like a kicked puppy. I hate that and the look is as bad as Mikey's although not as powerful. Must be a Little-Brother-Self-Defence-Mechanism or something like that.

So that's why I think it's better if I won't see my brothers for a couple of weeks, getting my head back in the game and not having all that family-drama which is dragging me down. I've been out of it for a while now and especially with our mutation day and all, they've been more persuasive in getting me back. Staying out here to do what I believe is right is getting harder and harder. But apparently it isn't only my brothers who are bothering me and keep me distracted.

I feel strange, uncomfortable. My stomach still feels queasy from when I thought it was because of the nerves of facing Leo again, even though I'm getting farther and farther away from him with every step. There's also this voice that keeps screaming at me to turn around and get away. Normally I listen to my instincts, they are the only sane part of me left since I moved out. I thought my instincts were the only thing left out here for me to trust, rational thinking often getting me into the trouble, not helping me out and making me think that what I'm doing isn't specifically the best choice. But instincts are overrated. Especially tonight because there is nothing for me to _be_ afraid of, no reason to _listen_ to the nagging feeling inside. I keep telling myself that. It's just the docks, I can handle all the scum that's down there with one hand tight to the back of my shell. And because I don't want to have any chances to run into Don and Leo, there isn't really anywhere else I can go to. They hardly come here for patrol because usually there isn't happening much and because it's quite far from the Lair, thus it taking a hell of a lot of time to get here.

For me it's the place to be though because there's only low-lives, muggers and rapists down here. If I lose control again no one who doesn't deserve it will get hurt or worse.

The night is crisp, bordering on cold and I know it'll take me ages to get back to a comfortable warmth when I return to Casey's cellar. I can deal with it though, I've got a thick skin. When I just left home it was different, I was less determined, less used to being this alone I guess. It was hard not to pack my stuff and get back home, enjoy a nice hot shower and fall asleep in the bed I belong in. Sometimes I still wonder what my life would've looked like if I had done that, returning to my brothers and giving up on this crazy suicide-mission.

But I gotta remember that this is not for me, it's for them. Maybe one of the many people I've taken down would've attacked Leo, Donnie or Mikey. Even Master Splinter, Casey or April. And sure, that sounds paranoid, even more so than Leo would often sound, but it kept me going, still keeps me going. At least I know my family is at home, safe and sound. I will give my life for that, just like the sanity I've already given up. It's the only thing they need me for, to be the shield, the soldier sacrificing himself for the team. And I'm proud of that job. It separates me from the cockroaches down here, scum that has no good in them whatsoever.

I grumble lowly when I see a couple of guys, not much older than I am, sitting together around a turned over wooden box, probably getting high on whatever they've gotten their hands on for tonight.

_Should've gone home boys_, I think. _You're ruining your life like this_. I get up and what happens after, let's just say karma's a bitch. The night grows dark for me.

TMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNT

It burns. It burns so badly I want to curl up and scream. Never have I felt something like this and I beg for the stabbing pain in my side to throb more, harsher, just so I have something else to focus on but the _burning_. For a small moment I figure that even though I'm not being attacked by actual fire, this might be the closest I'll ever get to the pain my baby brother has experienced. Because it does burn horribly and after all, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be here, just like he took that fire because of me. And never will I ever blame Mikey for me being here and hurting like this, but it gives me the feeling I might be able to at least atone to him. To be punished and after that forgiven for everything I did. For getting Mikey mutilated, for killing the kid that started all this and not to forget, for all the people that never really deserved my wrath when I was taken over by one of my moods. If you can even call it just a mood.

Something is tugging at the edges of my subconscious and I find that I've gotten myself lost in my mind more than I intended. Another soft pulling that becomes more insistent and annoying with every tug. The feeling isn't really something I've experienced before but I think I know what it means. Splinter taught us a lot about meditation, shielding your brain from someone experienced enough to maybe take over and take you down from the inside out. According to him that's the most dangerous and horrible thing you can imagine happening to you. The person trying that tactic on me now is far from skilled and it isn't hart to push him away. I squeeze my eyes a little more before opening them again, the pain and burning sensation immediately taking over all my senses. At least the mind-invasion, or whatever the person getting into my head was trying to do, has disappeared. I look around a bit more, taking in the my surroundings and softly cursing for not having fallen on something more comfortable than a container. I feel how the metal has dented under my shell and hope nothing else on my body was damaged because of my free-fall. Cracks in the shell never heal, I know that from experience. It's a little difficult to judge the damage though, as before I jumped there were already quite a few places on my body that hurt bad.

It was an ambush. There was a reason I've only been encountering rookies and newly-trained ninjas from the Footclan lately, after all. They planned this all and got me by surprise. I wonder how they even knew where I would be but they must've followed me closely the last couple of months. If there's something I haven't done than it was hiding my predictability, something Leo and Master Splinter have been riding us for for years. I hate it when they're right but it shouldn't have surprised me either. Leo's told me plenty of times how I couldn't handle myself alone. My impulsiveness and exploding nature would always get in the way, according to him but he was wrong there. It's more like stubbornness and plain stupidity that gets me into trouble. I snicker a little. And here I thought Mikey was the dumbest of our team. I'm a freaking hypocrite.

However, it hadn't been the first time I had been ambushed by the Foot. I should've been able to take them out, especially because though they were skilled, I was better. Never had I anticipated on at least four squadrons of their best fighters coming at me all at the same time though.

It worked. They beat me. Finally, after years of rampages and murdering them single-handedly, I've been beaten. And what bothers me the most is that the red haze never covered my eyes during anything that happened. It protects me from going insane when killing but doesn't spare me now I'm getting my shell kicked by God knows how many people. I've lost.

I tried to get away from the situation. Never thought I would run like a coward but there's still this age-old caged-animal instinct that tells me to fight or flee. And as fighting hadn't really turned out in my favour I ran but there was nowhere to go. The warehouse was high, three to four stories I think but I haven't really taken a good look at it. I could do it now but that would mean straining my neck which hurts badly. Got cut somewhere during the fight and it's bleeding. I got stabbed in the side too but as the knife is still in I don't worry about losing a lot of blood through there. I hope it won't move though because there are a lot of places inside my body I would rather not have being stabbed by a knife. My eye is the worst. It's burning, as I said before, and I have no single clue as to why that is. It just happened and immediately after I couldn't see through it anymore. I thought tears where slipping through but when I felt on my face there was only blood. That was enough for me to know that it is bad. And I deserve it all.

I hear people's voices and know the ninjas have taken the safe way down the warehouse, having seen I wouldn't go anywhere. I tried to but I can't move anymore, blood loss and the injuries turning me into nothing more but a weakling. Not a man or warrior, but a kid and a disgrace to his family, waiting for his death. I can't even stand up. I just lie here and watch them closing in on me, discussing what to do, let me bleed out or downright kill me, slow or fast? One mentioned taking me to Shredder but even I know that I wouldn't be able to make it that far.

I don't feel afraid, not even humiliated which I think I should. There's only numbness and a small voice telling me how I failed and that this is exactly what I deserve. Apparently the universe, karma, God or whichever other deities up there are ruling this horrorshow that is called my life, finally decided to make an end to this. I welcome it with open arms, I'm done here. I've made my point at last and if I would ever get the chance to ask Mikey, I think he would agree that I've avenged him. I hope he does and that he doesn't hold anything against me. Because I would give that kid, my family and friends, I would give them the world if I just could.

A knife comes closer and I am ready for it. I close my eyes.

The end! What did you think guys, loved it? I especially think I nailed the ending of this chapter, I mean wow. This must be awful for you. I'm gonna leave it here and see what your opinions are in the reviews though. Please be sweet!

See ya!


	17. Chapter 17

**Hey sorry I let you guys hanging with that horrible cliff-hanger, this chapter took me way longer than I expected it to. Mostly because I'm in my finals and all. Ugh, just have to pass eight stupid tests and then I'm finally free from high school and ready for University!**

**Until then, please enjoy this wonderful chapter which I think is gonna give some of you guys the opportunity to breathe again.**

**Chapter 17: begin**

I don't know what it was that forced me to open my eyes again. It could've been my curiosity when the sharp pain followed by my hopefully swift death never came. Or maybe it was later, when something large and heavy dropped onto me, never to move again. When I did open my eyes though, I was met with the sight of a masked Footninja sprawled over my chest, the tip of an arrow sticking out of his back. Faintly I feel the feathered end of said arrow against my sides and feel strangely comforted by the soft touch. Especially because I know these arrows. I have used them before and this craftsmanship can only be achieved by one man, our Master Splinter. My brothers have come.

My surroundings are blurry and only occasional sounds are loud enough for me to decipher. What I understand from what I hear is that this is not a fight, it's a slaughter. Shrieks and fearful shouts echo around the empty docks when one after the other is taken down by the stealthy assassins. The ones I know have to do this because of me. And that makes me inwardly curse. Not only because I basically force them to murder more while they tried so hard to keep me from killing, but also because I know they will take me back to the lair to get treated, whether I want to or not. And they'll keep me there, which is both a pain and a relief.

"Raph, can you hear me?"

It's Donnie, I'm sure of it. His voice is extremely soft though and I feel rather confused when I can hardly have a sound coming from my mouth. So I nod to confirm that I've heard him, while pushing impatiently at the body on top of me, blocking out how once the mere thought of the death of a human-being made me feel sick.

Don helps me to remove the man with shaking hands, confirming what I already thought. This was his kill. As the bow slung around his shoulder isn't prove enough of that, it is that Donnie's accuracy with the bow and arrow is scarily precise. We have all learned to shoot but only Don likes to use it in the battle-field. Leo and I are more skilled in close hand-to hand combat and don't have the, what Mikey liked to call 'eagle-eye', our genius brother has.

When free of the extra weight I immediately feel an urgent hand tugging at my shoulder, forcing me up. I ignore the offered help and try to come up to a squat myself, losing my balance and almost face-planting back into the metal container underneath us. Donnie's there though and manages to pull me up completely. Only when standing does the impact of my injuries fully progress into my brain. The skin around the knife still embed in my side is stretched painfully when I try to move and warm liquid is yet again pouring down my face from my left eye. The cut around my neck is luckily not that deep so it stopped bleeding at some point. Now I try to keep my head as stable as possible as to not agitate it further, failing miserably when my head starts dangling from one side to the other like a ragdoll, blackness creeping at the edges of my vision as soon as Don tries to move me carefully.

I feel extremely weak all of the sudden but with one swift touch to my shoulder, another brother silently pleads for me to stay awake. Leo's concerned face materializes in front of me, words leaving his mouth but no matter how hard I try, I cannot make out a single syllable. Yet it's comforting and as long as Fearless is here, I refuse to faint like a sissy. If I've got to get back to the lair, I'll _walk_ in, not being carried. Also, I've caused so many problems, hurt so many people, especially my brothers, that it would only be fair if I at least would be awake to hear them curse, yell and lecture me the oncoming few hours. Maybe even catch a glimpse of Mikey and Sensei when I get home.

With my brothers on both sides we all start to move. When they try to help me off of the container, I turn around and let my eyes roam over the chaos we leave behind. Ever since I started this mission I have never dared to spare as much as a glance to the death and despair I caused. Now I finally have built up the courage to actually do so, I wish I would've known sooner what a sea of murdered men looked like. _Never again_ is the only thought that comes to mind when I stare at the massacre I forced my brothers to commit. And deep down I know that Leo has always been right, this was a dead-man's job.

TMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNT

The anticipated lectures and angry words don't come and as soon as we get back home, I'm herded towards the infirmary, no way of checking up on the rest of my family. The lair hasn't changed much and I'm glad for that. It's like I never even left, as if time has come to a stand-still here till the complete family has gotten his act back together so we can continue life together.

I easily hop onto one of the examination tables and lie down with a long-drawn sigh. Don has taken the knife out when we were still in the Shell Raiser which my brothers had so conveniently brought along. I bet they knew I was getting myself into trouble when I didn't show up, they know me far too well. Anyways, my side isn't bleeding anymore but my eye still hurts like hell, burning even more fiercely than in the beginning causing me to hardly be able to keep my other eye open. When we were in the Shell Raiser Donnie tried to look at it but he quickly dismissed it and favoured treating my side which at that point had started bleeding steadily. The lids over my left eye are firmly closed and because of the pain and the fact that they are sticky with blood, I can't manage to open them up and give the doctor a look.

Don comes to stand over me and I look at him curiously. He doesn't look angry or afraid, maybe a little annoyed. Still he's the same little brother I always had, the one concerned for others before he would even consider himself. He stares at me with those golden brown eyes and at that moment I know one thing for sure, never will I have my family get through something like this again. It isn't fair to them. Especially not for Donnie, my little brother who not only had to murder to keep his elder safe, but also has to treat the same big bro because of his own stupid actions. We all know how much Donnie hates it to patch us up but never does he let us lick our own wounds. He feels responsible for us in a way, even as a little brother. And it makes me feel like the worst older brother on the planet.

"Feel a little better already?"

His voice is soft and I like that. A nod from me also causes his previous frown to turn into a watery smile. He sits me up carefully and expertly wraps a clean bandage around my neck, matching my already taped side. Normally I fight the treatments of my brothers when I'm injured, annoyed with the concern when there's nothing to worry about. But I'm tired now and feel guilty over what I've caused tonight. So I keep perfectly still, surprising Don probably but he doesn't say anything.

"It doesn't need stitches but we don't want it to get infected either," he mumbles instead, mostly to himself. I don't say anything in return. I don't really know what to say. I felt so angry just before the fight against the Footclan. Now I got defeated, had to be rescued by my brothers and I failed them to a whole new level, as a team-member and a brother. Yet I don't feel anything but resigned. I'm okay with whatever will happen after this. Maybe that fire that bothered me for years on end has finally been smothered. Something worries me though, why aren't my brothers angry with me?

Leo comes in now, nodding softly towards Don before sitting at the edge of the examination table I'm on. Don walks around the several cabinets, getting stuff out, putting stuff back in and doing a whole lot of other things I don't have a single clue of.

"I've put Mikey to bed," Leo suddenly speaks up. "He had fallen asleep on the couch, probably waiting for us."

Donnie merely nods, not missing a beat in putting a hell of a lot of beakers back into another cupboard, not the place he got them from, mind you. I'm surprised though because I hadn't even seen Mikey in the short moment we moved through the living room. I was quite delirious when they brought me in though. Still feel that way. I can think straight, I know where I am and what's going around, but it feels like there's water in between me and the real world. Everything feels out of touch, I can hardly hear anything and sometimes my still-working eye gets blurry all of the sudden, especially when I stand up.

"He wanted to be in your room though, you're fine with that, right?"

Another nod from a still ongoing Donatello. Finally he turns around and brings over some of the supplies he has apparently been looking for. I eye the filled syringe and the surgical knives unhappily and know what this means.

"I don't mind at all but it will take a while for me to get to bed. Raph's eye is in a bad shape so I think it's better to put him under so I can get a good look at it."

I grumble lowly when I hear that, a little annoyed that Don didn't tell me that before. Neither of my brothers pay me attention though and my younger brother continues prepping his materials. Leo also stands up from the table and stares at my face, his eyes scanning me over, the ambiance around him like hard steel.

"You're a lucky son of a gun, Raph"

His words surprise me but those not so much as the moment he decides to say them. Why get angry with me now? I've been awake, ready to be scolded at the whole ride home and never did they speak a word to me other than when it was necessary. They make me nervous, both of them. Don's like scarily close with extremely sharp equipment and Leo looks at me if he plans on burning holes through me with just his eyes.

"Just remember that. And if you decide to ever pull any stunts like that again, or even think about doing something that comes even remotely close to what you've done so far, trust me that you won't be so lucky next time."

He stalks off then and the only thing I can do is stare after him. Donnie doesn't seem to be that taken aback but tries to reassure me with a soft pad on my arm. Suddenly I feel like a little kid again, the way I would be feeling if Master Splinter punished me. Babied by everyone around me and I wonder slightly how Mikey can handle that day in, day out.

"We've been so scared for you, big brother. Leo especially, but Mikey, Master Splinter and me as well. We thought you weren't going to come home ever again, that we lost you for good."

He swallows uneasily and looks down on me again, those soft brown eyes glistering with unshed tears, the corner of his mouth trembling a little which always happens when Donnie is distressed. It makes me feel ten new kinds of idiot at the same time and I want to hug him, make him feel safe like I'm supposed to. But that's gonna take time. Leo has never been so harsh before, Donnie has never been so easily upset. My brothers have changed a great deal and I know it is because of what I've done. The least I can do now though is trying to fix this before we all fall.

I know I don't want to leave this place either. I have never felt so low-tastic before as I feel now and I know that's because of the guilt I have harboured for all those years. Finally it comes crashing down on my conscience, all at once. My brothers needed me and I wasn't there. My brothers killed for me because I was hard-headed. My brother has to fix me up now because I was stupid enough to get hurt badly. My family suffered because I wouldn't listen to them, trusting an instinct our father has warned us for for years. And just like that, right then and there, I make my decision.

"I'll stay here, little brother," I whisper. With that promise Donnie presses the syringe into my skin and I feel how consciousness slowly drains away. I still see my second-youngest's smile though, and I know it's safe for me to finally close my eyes completely, and have some real rest for the first time in over three years. What will come after this doesn't matter to me now. As long as I don't have to do it alone anymore.

**Ain't that awesome? Raphie's sort of seen the light and he isn't dead either :D I gotta say I was close to killing him off for real but I don't like those stories. We came so far already, why would I try and make the ending too easy by just having him get killed. That'd be stupid and sad. Also, this is like the part in which Raph is extremely confused, not sure of what to do and now he's all empty inside. Next will be him filling his mind and soul back up with a purpose and some brotherly love. So please stick with me, we ain't out of the woods yet!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Oh my gosh, I've been so distracted by school and all the other stuff I need to do that I hadn't even noticed I had gotten myself over a hundred reviews for this fic! So thanks everyone, for sticking with me for so long and an extra special Thank You for: Athese, Poetique-Justyce, Bluestar-TMNT-Warriors, Created to Write, Bookworm563, slings and arrows of fortune, Americanpyscho, TJHECTOR, Raigon, LiL PriNCeSs Me and probably a hell of a lot of other people who keep reviewing and got me to the 114 that it is now. **

**Warning: a few swear words from… Mikey? Man, what went wrong in this fic?**

**Now let's get on with the story!**

**Chapter 18: Breakdown**

"Careful dumbass, you're going to hurt yourself."

A couple of months ago I would've given the world just to hear his voice again. And yet hearing it now isn't how I had envisioned it to be at all. He doesn't sound the way I remember. There is a harshness in his voice that cuts sharply through the thin air of unresolved tension surrounding us.

Before I had fully woken up I hadn't even recognized the presence vibrating around me. It was forceful, causing me to open up my eyes, or eye since there was a patch over my left one, to see where it was coming from. To say I was surprised to see my orange-banded younger brother sitting next to me was quite an understatement. In my hurry to get upright and get a better look of him a sharp pain travelled from the left side of my head all the way to the very core of my brain. It had been then that Mikey said that sentence which still puzzles me now.

The headache is lying down to nothing more than a dull throb behind my left eye, which I had injured pretty bad now that I think of it. Donnie had even sedated me so he could treat it. I remember surgical knives as well so it's probably not that good. I don't really care though, Mikey has lost an eye because of my stupidity as well. An eye for an eye, isn't that what they say?

I slowly move my head to watch my little brother sideways. He smirks at me in a way I used to look down on him when we were younger. A trick I used when I didn't want my family to see that I was hurting. I had to show them I was tough and strong by the only way I knew, pushing them away.

And now I can see that reflection of my younger self in Michelangelo. An involuntary shiver travels through my spine when his ice-cold blue eye catches mine, his smirk making place for a frown I wish I could slap of of him the moment it came. He isn't supposed to look at me like that, not when we have hardly spoken ten words to one another.

He called me dumbass, a nickname I used on him millions of times before. It's wrong to hear it come from him though. He spat it out like it was repulsive, as if I didn't even deserve to be called by any name. I have never made it sound like that, like I hated him or felt sickened by him. But Mikey is angry and he has a good reason to be. What I don't get is why he isn't doing what he normally does when he is pissed with someone, which hardly happens. He always avoids the subjects of his anger, he stays away until his fire has burned out. So why is he here if he hates me as much as he's letting on?

"Are you okay, Mikey?" I ask, wincing at the croak that comes after. He hesitantly passes me a glass of water. His hand quickly recoils when I have my fingers around the glass, as if he's afraid of touching me. I try not to think too much of it when drinking the soothing heaven that is called water.

When I empty the cup Mikey doesn't answer my previously asked question. He just stares, his eye raking over my body as if this is an interrogation. As the uncomfortable silence stretches so does my patience. After what could be minutes or just seconds, I can't take it anymore.

"What's your problem?!" I snarl a little rougher than I intended. It isn't often I snap at my younger brothers. It happens multiple times when I have a fight with Leo or when he gets on my nerves, but never do I get snappy with Don or Mikey. Donnie hardly ever gets me annoyed, only with his techno-babble which I ridicule to get back at him. Mikey on the other hand, he's a master at pushing my buttons. But whenever he goes too far I just smack him or wrestle him to the ground for a bit, I don't snap. Mostly because my youngest brother is better at reading actions than words. He knows when I wrestle him I'm not trying to inflict pain. Whenever I tell him he's a messed-up brat though, he'll take it to heart and get upset.

But yet again he doesn't act the way I'm used to from him. It's kind of understandable, I haven't really interacted with him for over three years. We haven't been brothers lately, more like acquaintances. I wouldn't have noticed it if something was troubling him or if his behaviour would change. At least not unless he had told me.

"My problem huh?" I let my eyes drift up to his face. I resent that face of his because it's too damaged. His freckles, his baby blue eyes, they're all burned off it looks like. There's nothing left that reminds me of that turtle I used to call my kid brother, except for maybe his mask. There used to be his personality too, he kept being that happy-go-lucky guy, even after all the hurt and unfairness he has been saddled with for so long already. But the way he's looming over me now, it isn't like that Mike at all.

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe my brother decided to ditch me for over three years when I needed him?"

I flinch causing Mike to smile in pleasure. I don't say a thing though. This is what I deserve for leaving them for so long. I had only imagined it would be Donnie or Leo with the lectures. Mikey has always been so… Mikey. He forgives, he doesn't hold grudges. The moment I was dragged into the Shellraiser I had thought that at least Mike would be glad to see me back and latch onto me the way only little brothers do.

"Wanna know what's funniest about this all?" he growls. I feel like shaking my head, just because I can't take that distrustful, hate-filled voice anymore. Because I know this isn't _funny_ at all! There aren't many places for me to go now though. I can only listen to what he feels like he has to tell me.

"You finally dragged your sorry ass back home. Damn, I was so fucking relieved when Leo told me you were back in the lair again. But the only thing I got back is two traumatized older brothers and find out you almost got killed last night, god damn it!"

He breathes heavily from the shouting, giving me time to open up my mouth. Not that I have anything to say to him really. He's right about everything he said.

"Stop cussing, Mike," I mumble eventually because it is really bothering me. "Doesn't sound right from your mouth."

He sends me an amused look, crossing his arms defiantly. "As if you never curse," he hisses, his eye narrowing again when I watch him tiredly. I guess he hoped for another reaction on his outburst, a more fierce one maybe. Too bad baby bro, maybe you've changed but I know I have too. At least enough to know that a fight between me and Mikey is the last thing our family needs right now.

"Doesn't matter," I tell him in a steady and even voice that surprises even myself. "You aren't like me, little brother. There are better role-models in this world. I'm a psychopath."

It's the first time I say it out loud but I've known it for probably even years. The strange thing is that I used to call the other Raphael a psycho because he started all this mess. Because he was able to kill an innocent kid like Mikey is. Or maybe was, I don't know anymore. He is right, I wasn't there for three years, only saw him occasionally when training. What do I know, right?

"You aren't a psychopath," Mikey says honestly, a little more in the way I'm used to. He slumps back into his chair putting his elbows on his knees and supporting his head in his hands. He looks spent. Has he even slept the last couple of days? It doesn't look like it and it's probably my fault. They must have been worried when I didn't show up like I normally would. Especially Mikey. He told me he liked my visits every once in a while, just so he knew I wasn't dead.

"What do you want from me, Mikey?" I finally ask, getting tired of the game he is playing. If he wants to tell me how he hates me for messing up the last two brothers he has left, he should just say so.

He shrugs his shoulders, refusing to look at me because of what I'm sure are tears streaming down his face. For a second I wonder how it could happen that he broke down so quickly but figure that he probably faked being mad at me. Not that he isn't really angry but he usually doesn't express it in such a violent way. That's my shtick. I know he tries to be tough, tries to hate me like Leo probably does, but his heart is too big for that and it frustrates him.

"I want you to fix everything," he mumbles unhappily, empty of the venom that previously laced his voice. "I'm stuck, Raph. I keep wanting to move forward, I keep wanting to move on. And I can't 'cause I need you, we all do."

I shake my head, yet offering him somewhat of a crooked smile to reassure him a little. I'm glad he is acting more like himself now but a baby brother upset is an awful sight, no matter in what way he expresses it. What he asks from me is impossible though. I can't help him, I can't get the family out of this hell hole I pulled them in.

"I don't think I can help ya, Mike. I can't even help myself."

He isn't pleased with the answer in the slightest. I didn't think he would be. My youngest brother has always looked at me as the muscle of the team, the protector of my brothers. I had shielded him from all the monsters when we were younger, both real and the creations of his own mind. And now it's over. I probably scarred Donnie for life and Leo will never forgive me for that. We can't ignore that hasn't happened. Maybe I have never looked around to see the massacres I committed but I know Don and Leo have seen the aftermaths of my untamed anger. There is no way we can just forget that, even if we all want it to so badly.

Tears of guilt burn my eyes but I don't cry. The last time I have cried was when I thought Mikey had died in that room. _That_ was a reason to cry, this isn't. This is self-pity and I don't deserve that. My brothers are the only ones worthy of sorrow because I know it was me who put them through hell.

When I take a rather shaky breath my brother flinches next to me. He stands up so fast it's like something burned him. He doesn't say anything at all when he moves over to the door, the limp I'm already used to standing out all the more because he tries to hurry.

He surprises me when he turns around, door handle in hand and a broken expression on his face.

"Only psychopaths can kill other people without some kind of breakdown," he tells me and I swallow audibly. When we were talking I was glad he hadn't caught onto my comment of me being a psychopath. I didn't mean to actually say it out loud at that time. I had hoped Mikey would leave it alone.

"What are you trying to say?" I ask when I figure he is waiting for some kind of response from me.

"I mean that the reason you have changed is because you've broken down. You're an asshole Raph, but you aren't a psycho."

With that he leaves the room, even turning off the light because he probably wants me to sleep. Not that I mind too much. If there's one thing I've learned in my three years alone is how much easier it is to think in the dark. No distractions, just you and your thoughts.

And there in the dark, my face slowly filling with pathways of wet streaks, I figure out two things. One: I really am breaking down. Two: I need to make this up to my brothers, one way or another.

But first there is sleep. There's always sleep first because it's the place where everything is still the way it's supposed to be.

**Uhm… yeah. Hey the sweet Mikey/Raph reunion we have all waited for for so long… Okay so maybe it isn't cute and brofluffy yet but it will be sometime, I promise. **

**Until then, review me so I'm in a better mood and write fluffier chapters :D**


	19. Chapter 19

**Oh man it's been ages. Sorry for the delay, I've been so busy with all my other stories, tons of one-shots and the inspiration to this story just didn't want to come. But here it is again and I hope I can make myself to post them more regular now the holidays are over. For all you Make More Sound fans, new chapters of that one are coming soon, I was hit by all kinds of ideas for that one and have figured the next two chapters out already ;)**

**By the way, people with a weak stomach can better keep a trashcan close. I don't think it's too bad but better safe than sorry right? I promise not to be too graphic though. **

**Chapter 19: proven**

The next time I wake up Donnie is the only one in my room. He's reading something at his desk but because his back is turned towards me I can't see what it is. I move slightly, groaning at the headache that's flaring up again. Don looks up and comes walking over immediately, leaving the book that's as thick as a dictionary alone on his desk. There's a smile on his face but I can see it is a fake one. My immediate younger brother has never been the best actor, or a liar for that matter. Also, I can't imagine how he would be happy to see me awake. The last time I've seen him he had to kill a guy. He was more upset, shaken and angry than I've ever seen before. And that's just weird because he always covers everything up with that usual level-headedness of his.

"Hey Raph, how are you doing?"

The phrase, so familiar, so ordinary. But at the same time his voice sounds a little croaky and the bags under his eyes tell me that he hasn't slept well tonight. And that actually says something because no matter how smart Donnie is, he still believes he can survive on only a couple of hours of sleep a night.

"I'm fine," I tell him eventually, glad that in contrary to his, my voice is steady. "My head hurts though."

He nods, scribbling something down before coming over to my other side to check the bandages wrapped around my torso, a little above my waist. _Oh yeah, that's right. I got stabbed_, I think dryly. I had almost forgotten because of the terrible pain I had felt in my head.

"Hey Don," I say when my little brother injects another dosage of pain medication into my IV. "When do you think I can take the eyepatch off? It's pretty annoying to see through only one eye, you know. And it doesn't feel as bad anymore."

I try to keep my tone light to reassure my brother a little, keep the conversation as normal as possible. I know he went through hell, just like the rest of my family.

"Didn't Mikey tell you?" Donnie asks, his face paling rapidly. I can see him swallowing thickly when I shake my head. The only thing Mike bothered to tell me is how much of a douchebag I am and guilt trip me even more by breaking down. But I don't tell Don that.

"Your eye it was… I couldn't save it, I'm sorry."

There is genuine regret in his voice which I hate to hear. Don is the smartest person I know and I'm sure that no matter how messed up last night was, that he did his best. He shouldn't apologise for anything that happened, especially because it was my own doing.

What he tells me though, it's a little hard to process. My hand flies to the left side of my face but of course the eye-patch is still there. For a moment I feel bumps underneath, like something is stitched shut there. Or maybe it is just my imagination, I don't know. I didn't notice it before.

"I don't know what they did to you but it was horrible," Donnie explains. "It wasn't exactly acid but more like a bacteria. The cells it came into contact with started to degenerate, then when they were destroyed, it spread to other cells. Your eye reacted so violently because the tissue isn't as strong as that of your skin. When I finally managed to clean your eye and get your eyelids to open up, it was already too late. All I could do was scooping the remains out and stitching the area shut. You're going to be in pain for a little longer, at least until the wound has healed. But the bacteria have stopped working when they came into contact with the rubbing alcohol, like most species do, so you are out of imminent danger for now."

I let Don ramble for a little. It calms him down and gives me some time to think this over once more. I'm strangely okay with being half-blind for the rest of my life. I don't know why. These last few years I've been hurt almost every single night, some of them worse than others. Nothing lasting except the scars but I've always thought of the day I might get hurt beyond repair. Not that I envisioned something like this at all. It was more that I needed to figure out that when there was going to be a wound I couldn't take care of myself, if I would go to my brothers with my tail between my legs or just leave it like that and risk disfiguration and death. And even though I tended to favour the second option more and more, this time I didn't really have a choice when Leo and Don saved me and dragged my sorry as back to the lair.

But no, that isn't what is going through my head right now. What really bothers me is that the Foot carried such a dangerous bacteria with them. I mean, this isn't really their style, they're more the old-fashioned fighters. However, this change in tactics makes them all the more dangerous. What if they use it again? What if they use it on someone else? What if they use it on my brothers?

"Don," I interrupt him when he starts on some kind of chemical formulas which _might_ be the reason why the bacteria died so quickly after the alcohol was used. "You gotta be careful with that stuff. Don't want you guys to get hit by it too. It hurts like shell."

But Donnie shakes his head, his mouth forming into a rueful smile. "This isn't a new Foot weapon Raph. It's way too impractical to use in combat. I saw a couple of them who had gotten some of the liquid on their hands as well. They just brought it because they wanted to make you suffer."

"Oh." It's all I can say. There is an uncomfortable silence between us in which Don starts to fumble with his wrist wrap, the way he always does when he hopes for a distraction to what he's thinking of at the moment.

"Hey Raph?" he asks eventually. "Are you really going to stay from now on? I mean, when you're healed again, do you want to go back to fighting?"

I shake my head. I try to offer him a smile but I know it'll look more like a grimace than anything. I'm not good at smiling, never was. We used to have Mikey for that kind of job.

"I'm not leaving if you don't want me to, little brother," I eventually say. "I made you a promise I wouldn't. But you're gonna kick me out eventually."

Don comes over again, sitting next to me on my bed while he studies my face. His own becomes unreadable but his voice tells me enough. What I just said hurt him. It wasn't what he had hoped to hear.

"We aren't going to sent you away. You're our brother Raphael and believe it or not, but we want you home. It doesn't matter how impassive Leo might be or how angry Mikey acts, they both want you to stay."

"And you?" I ask. I know what the answer will be, I know Donnie wants me here. I can see it in his face and he basically just told me the same. But I want to hear it in his own words. My immediate younger brother is really good with those, you know.

"I just need my big brother back," Don admits, his cheeks reddening slightly, his eyes suddenly drawn towards the floor.

It's a simple answer which I actually had expected to come from Mikey. Donnie usually is too smart for simple answers like this. But what he doesn't understand is that this request is more complicated than it sounds.

"I'm not the brother I used to be, Donnie," I say, grabbing his hand so his eyes will return to mine. "I still have a major debt to pay. I hurt you and the guys in the worst ways possible. I couldn't protect you last night little bro and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I made you do, I'm sorry for messing your family up. I'm just so sorry."

Donnie stands up again, walking over to his desk to grab a glass of water for both me and himself. It's a typical Don-thing to do. Whenever things get too much, he stops and takes a moment to think while doing something else. It calms him down I think. It's the reason why Don doesn't get into fights that much. He's the complete opposite of me, brains over brawn. Calm and self-composure over emotions and irrational decisions. After a couple of sips and a feel calming breaths, he continues.

"I don't blame you for any of that. Do you even know why Mikey is so mad at you?"

I shrug. It's obvious to me. He hates me because I couldn't protect him while I was the reason he got hurt. And now I come back to mess up his older brothers some more when they try to help a lost case like me that has already given up years ago. I let him down. _Again._

"He's angry because you left him, Raph. We all are. We never wanted you to leave. You were hurt just as much as Mike was, maybe not physically but mentally. You were captured too Raph and that man almost broke you. And instead of staying with us, letting us heal you_,_ you decided to go away?"

He's wrong. What does Donnie know about Mikey anyway? I've seen my little brother and I know he resents me for what I've done to him. Same goes for Leo, I know my brothers longer than today. Don just wants to keep me here, he's trying to sway me over.

"Donnie, I'm different now. You can keep telling me you want me here. That you want your brother back. But he's gone and he isn't going to return just because you want to. And I'm not going to pretend that it will happen either."

His face falls, desperation and sadness filling his eyes but none of those emotions resounding in his voice. "I don't mean you have to change big bro," he says honestly. "I know you're screwed up. I know you're always going to be screwed up. But you're my brother and probably the strongest person I'll ever meet. So unless you want to prove me wrong… and _hurt_ me, please stay here with me."

I give him a smile, pulling him a little closer so I can pat his arm a little. I don't like seeing him this way. It's a big brother thing, you just can't stand it when your younger brothers look like this, so downtrodden and upset.

And not only that, Don is scared now. I don't think I've ever seen him this scared before. As children we all had our own fears and nightmares, but never Donnie. Even then he could comfort himself with what he knew, his precious knowledge from the books Master Splinter sometimes found in the dumpster of a run-down middle school nearby. He would tell Mikey that monsters don't exist and that the dark can't hurt him. He would tell Leo that heights are merely another dimension, that it isn't much different from going up or moving forward. He would tell me that the insects in the sewers couldn't hurt me. That with one step I could squish them underneath my feet.

But on the other hand, this isn't a childhood fear, this is real. He's afraid his family will fall apart right before his eyes. It makes me wonder if I should tell him that we've already fallen but I chose not to. He needs some reassurance right now. Just enough so he can sleep tonight. God knows he needs it.

"I already promised you I would stay here, remember Don? I'm not going anywhere. I can't even, my head hurts like crazy and I can hardly see."

A small smile edges on his face while he re-checks me for anything that might worsen my discomfort. When he's sure I'm properly taken care off he goes to sit at his desk again, claiming that he needs to do more research in case the wound on my side will get infected. Within half an hour he's out.

I settle with a smile, wondering which brother will be next for me to apologise to, or at least try to apologise to. The person coming through the doorway next though, surprises me.

**And that's where we leave it, lol. Not that much of a cliffhanger, considering the mean cliffies I've had so far in this story but still something you can crack your little brains over for another week or so. First Make More Sound, yay! I'm so excited!**

**See ya!**


	20. Chapter 20

**Alright next chapter.**** I don't think there are going to be that many chapters left actually but I don't really have an exact number. Need to figure out a suiting ending first hehe, and that's hard given how messed up this whole story is. Maybe I still should do something evil….**

**Chapter 20: growing**

"Master Splinter?"

He comes closer, leaning heavily on his walking stick. His face is more wrinkled than how I remember it to be and he seems to have a slightly troubled breathing when he stands next to my bed. His eyes are narrowed in thought and worry but underneath the obvious troubled expression, there is still a warm glint in his eyes which always has been there. He is still our father, just older. Much older than a man, even if he's a mutant, should become in three years.

"How are you, my son? Donatello informed me of your predicament and your wounds. I, as well as your brothers, feared for your life."

I shrug indifferently, enjoying the small pinch of comfort that comes with my father's gentle words. How much I've missed his voice calling me his son. It's the same voice that taught us ninjutsu, lectured us when we were behaving badly and told us stories when we didn't have a television yet.

"I'm alright, father. Just a little banged up I guess."

He nods thoughtfully but doesn't reply. I think he knows as well as I do that 'a little banged up' is the understatement of the year. He looks me over once before taking a few steps back and sitting in Don's swivelling chair. He leans his walking stick against the wall and I can see noticeable cracks running through it.

Master Splinter has always found two purposes for it, a walking-aid and a weapon. After all the hits and other abuse it had to take it isn't a surprise it starts to wear a little. But I also know that the cracks are much deeper than they used to be. The only reason I can come up with why that is, is that he's leaning heavier against the stick, not only using it for show, but really _needing_ it. Is this what it feels like when someone you love enters the final stages of their life?

"I'm sorry," I eventually say when he doesn't say anything else. It's the only thing I can come up with at the moment. It seems like as good a start as anything. Plus, how are you going to make up for years of absence when your family needed you the most? Or at least, when they claim they need you the most. Even know I still wonder what it would have been like if I had stayed. If they wouldn't have turned on me in the end after all. Kicking me out or something. Everyone needs a scapegoat, why not turn to the guy who is the culprit of the mess to begin with.

"You have a lot to be sorry for, Raphael, yet you still don't know which those reasons are. However, those mistakes are from the past. Only the future matters, so do future decisions."

He has told us this millions of times before. And of course it helps _just _as much as all the other times he said this. Not. I know I did practically everything wrong. I was too weak to protect Mikey, too weak to protect myself and too weak to protect my remaining two brothers in the process. I was too weakto be called a warrior_._

"But I hurt you guys," I say. "I made so many mistakes they're too many to count. I was wrong to do this on my own. Why can't I ask my family forgiveness for that?"

He chuckles and I hate that. It's that same sound he makes when one of us says something that sounds absolutely stupid and ridiculous to him. And after he explained himself, most of the time we _feel_ like idiots as well.

"As if you would ever have to ask your family for forgiveness. If you worry about that, I can already tell you, you have our understanding and acceptation whole heartedly. As for being wrong, there is nothing bad with that. It makes life interesting to say the least."

See? Now I feel like an idiot. Wish I could come up with the simplest explanations to all my problems.

"Then I'm sick of being interesting," I grumble. But I really am. I wish there was an easy answer to this all. That Mikey would magically forgive me and turn back into that annoying little brother I once had. That Donatello would get back to the sassy know-it-all brother, instead of being the boy who had to kill someone to save his hard-headed idiot of an older brother. And that Leo would just get back to the calm, level-headed leader we know and love and whose head I really want to push into the toilet.

"Why do you not want to be here, Raphael? Why do you refuse to see any of brothers for longer than a few hours a week?"

The question kind of surprises me. The humorous smile that had grown on sensei's face has disappeared, having grown into a thoughtful and serious look when he locks eyes with me. I wonder if this is another question to which he secretly already knows the answer to but wants me to answer so he can see how terribly wrong I am. Again. I bet he likes those moments too.

"It just hurts," I mumble. I got to come up with an answer anyways, it better be the truth then. "I failed my family big time. I didn't keep Mikey safe and now we all have to pay for that. I have to clean up my messes right? Not sit on the couch and see how Mikey is never gonna spin a nunchaku again."

"Then, if I am not mistaken, you are taking the cowardly way out."

Splinter's face is still the same, his eyes still warm and his demeanour still calm. But the words coming from his mouth are harsh and obviously meant to hurt. For a moment I hardly believe this is the same man who told me that family will always forgive. Because this sure as shell ain't forgiveness.

"And worse, you are even too much of a coward to admit it."

I get angry. If there was one thing that I certainly know I'm not, then it is a coward.

"I've fought for my family!" I say, my voice steadily rising in volume, coming close to shouting. "I tried to keep everyone safe. I fought for you!"

My father doesn't even twitch when I move in closer to him and keep yelling. He doesn't even change his expression. He just sits there and takes it, the way he took all my temper tantrums when I was younger.

"So that is the story you made up about who you are?" He asks me, his voice bitter. "It's a nice one. Too bad it isn't true."

The fire inside me only burns brighter. I try to sit up instead of being slumped against the pillows, refusing to pay any attention to my side and the stitches I may or may not currently rip apart. When I sharp pain in my head makes me cry out and lie back down, sensei comes scuffling over to put a hand on my shoulder.

"I did not mean for you to upset your wounds," he whispers softly. It sounds like an apology. For a moment I feel like telling him he shouldn't apologise to family, we always forgive, right? But being sassy is the last thing I feel like doing at the moment.

"You carry so much anger and fear inside you, my son. I hoped I could find a way to release some of it. I should have been more considerate."

I know what he tried. Mikey used to do the same for me all the time. It's what works for me, having a vent for my pent up emotions, I mean. But I know that sensei never lies. The things he said were what he assumes is the truth. And now I really need to know why.

"Why did you say that? I fought for you, I did."

Splinter nods his head. His right arm is shaking with the pressure he's putting on it, trying to keep himself standing without the aid of his walking stick. I motion for him to go back to his chair. He sits down with relief, but also lets out a heavy sigh. I guess even the toughest ninja-masters will grow old at some point. I never thought it would look this ugly. Of course everyone gets old but when you see a man who used to be so vital and active hardly being able to stand by himself, that's harsh.

"I know you did, but it is not the reason you left our home. It has never been the reason why you didn't return. Raphael, why did you leave?"

The realisation comes only a few seconds after. Again I feel so stupid.

"Because… because it doesn't hurt that much out there. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable. And I don't want _him_ to hate me."

I don't want to see everyone suffer. I don't dare to look over my shoulder to see any pained faces I could have prevented. And sensei knows it. He knows one of the reasons I didn't come home was because I wanted to safe myself. With staying away I protected myself from the only thing my anger and uncontrollable rage couldn't protect me from. My family. Or more specifically, my family falling apart.

"You can't always get what you want," Splinter says simply and he sure as shell is right.

"Fleeing won't make your life any better," he continues. "Neither will death. But caring will. Enduring pain to do some good for someone you care about, isn't that what life is all about?"

I smile. I know he means my situation with Mikey. Splinter can't promise me Mikey will take kindly to me after everything that has happened between us, but at least he can advise me in what to do. It's going to be hard, seeing Mikey's scarring every day, looking at my brother and not seeing two care-free baby blue eyes looking back at me. But if Splinter and Donnie are right, it'll take some of my baby brother's pain away. That's good enough for me.

"Hey, sensei?" He looks my way and inclines his head slightly, showing me he's listening. "I had a mission, you know. Keeping the family safe, making sure Mikey got avenged. I thought you always taught me to never give up on a mission."

He smiles, no not even smiles, he _smirks._ When I was little I had a short fuse. Whenever I failed in doing something either physically in training or mentally in our daily schoolwork, I wanted to quit and get to something I was good at. Many times I have stormed out of the dojo, yelling at anything and everything and refusing to try a certain move or complete a certain task ever again. Sensei always got me back into training by simply saying that a ninja never gives up on his missions. If I wanted to be a ninja, I better complete my mission.

"You have done enough. You have given enough. I think you deserve the chance to just… give up."

He pats my arm, squeezing it slightly before smoothing the warm furry fingers out. I watch the caress, keeping silent just like him. He keeps his hand there for a moment before taking it away and slowly hobbling back to the lab door.

"I am very tired," he explains when I hand him his walking stick. "I am very happy you are back though. A family missing a member feels to me like a sky without a sun. We are all so vital to keep going."

I agree. When I close my eyes for the night, I feel at peace. Two family members who forgive me, only two to go now. Even when those two will be the hardest so far.

**Hmmm I didn't really like this so much. I don't know how Raphael's and Master Splinter's relationship should be. It's hard. Anyways, give your thoughts on this, maybe I can write something better next time with a little advise ;)**

**(No Athese I don't need a peptalk/partially lecture and I didn't lose my self-confidence or anything, I just didn't like this at much as the other chapters, kay? XD)**

**See ya!**


	21. Chapter 21

**Sorry for being MIA for a little while, we've actually been moving house! All the way to… the other side of the street, wow! No really, we did, this house is much bigger than the other one was. But yeah, we've been kinda busy a lot, especially because we had to renovate our new place. But now I've got my new room and my computer all set up so hey, let's get back to writing again!**

**Chapter 21: younger**

"Hey Raph, wanna talk?"

There are a lot of things I had expected my older brother would say. It's been a couple of days and the only ones I've talked with have been Donnie and Master Splinter. Master Splinter not so much though. He tires pretty quickly and sleeps through most of the day. He's grown so very old. I'm not sure if it is because that's what happens with time, I haven't seen him for over three years after all, or just because his heart has been broken.

I haven't seen Mikey ever since that first fall-out of his. He needs his space, Don told me. Just like Leo needs time to adjust to the idea of the family being complete again. It's weird. I've been on my own for three years and it never bothered me. But being here… it sort of kept playing in the back of my head that the moment I got rid of all the Foot on this godforsaken planet, that I could come back home and be with my brothers. Not that I should've expected them to be standing there to accept me with open arms, but strangely enough _I did._

"How are you doing?"

It's crazy. Leo comes over, casually sitting in the chair next to my bed. He looks comfortable but I know he's here for a reason. If Mike can't forgive me, than sure as hell Leo won't be able to do it. I've given him too much shit to deal with in his life already. And Leo isn't really the forgiving type either. He says he is, but he's got the memory of an elephant.

"I'm fine. Don says if my side keeps healing like this I can be out of bed within the next couple of days."

He looks me over, his gaze lingering on my face. I wonder if it looks weird to see me without the eye. I'm sure it looks different but with the patch still on it shouldn't be that horrifying to look at. Maybe it isn't even my eye that caught his attention. Maybe he's looking at all the other differences in my face. The markings not inflicted by others. I've seen it before, with Donnie and also with Splinter. Their features have changed. Not by much but there are creases and discolourations that weren't there before. They're distinct, hard to notice, but when you haven't seen the people you know better than the back of your hand for so long, they can stand out like neon lights.

"That's good."

He's silent for a while and I'm not about to speak up either. I like the quiet, especially when it's a comfortable silence like this one. Maybe Leo and I butt heads often, it doesn't mean that we don't like having each other around for a bit. And hey, most of our fights start when Leo pulls open his big mouth and tries to order me around like a dog. This way neither of us will start a shouting-match, which is probably for the better since I want him to let me stay here.

I've been worrying about that a lot lately. Sure, Splinter is our father and master but he isn't in charge anymore. Leonardo is. If he won't forgive me, or trust me again, it doesn't matter how badly the others want me to stay. It'll probably get ugly too, if Donnie doesn't agree with him, but who should he trust? The brother who has taken care of him, his aging father and disfigured brother, or the black sheep of the family who he only saw once a week and who murdered in his spare time. To be frank, I'm starting to wonder why none of my brothers have smothered me with a pillow yet while I was asleep. I sure as shell deserved it.

"Hey Raph do you mind if I… Oh. Hey Leo."

Donnie stands in the doorway of the lab a little awkwardly. Leo gives him a gentle smile but keeps seated, throwing little glances everywhere except me.

"Did I interrupt something?" Don asks carefully, watching the both of us with curiosity and suspicion. I can't really blame the guy. I haven't spoken to Leo normally for a very long time. Even our patrols were not as casual as they used to be before I left home. The only reason Leo didn't try to pick fights when I wasn't living at home was because he was afraid he'd be losing me. He knew Donnie wouldn't be able to take that and I don't think he could live with losing a brother like that either.

But this is a whole new playing field for me. Leo is trying to stay calm and measured while we all know that deeply inside his fire is roaring with controlled anger. A Leonardo trying to keep his cool, is an awkward and overly-polite Leonardo, which isn't any easier to deal with than a stick-up-the-butt Fearless Leader. And Donnie knows that too. That's probably why he hesitates a little because he thinks we'll be ripping each other's throats out within the next few minutes.

"Can you leave us alone for a little while, Donnie? Raph and I need to talk about something," Leo says gently, his voice soft like silk but his face unwavering and stern all the same. It's this typical 'Leader face' that says: "no one mess with me now." I don't even dare to argue when he pulls out _that_ face. It surprises me that he even uses it right now. Donnie isn't one to refuse a request anyways. Not even when it means he can't get into his own lab.

For some reason I want Don to stay here though. Leo is so nice to me all of the sudden. A little too nice. What if he's only trying to butter me up? If he wants to send me out, he surely doesn't want Donnie to be present when he delivers the news. I'm already the jackass of the family. I've got nothing to lose. But if Donnie finds out it that Leo is the reason for my possible disappearance, there'll be hell to pay for our big bro. I'm not sure if I want that to happen.

Also, there's enough bad blood within this family already. I'm not letting my brothers finish what I've started. They've done a pretty good job of staying together, I'm not letting them screw that up. If Leo wants me gone, I'll go quietly and make everyone believe that it was my own choice, not his. It'll be easier that way.

So when Leo takes a seat next to me again, I keep my eyes locked with his, ready to face everything he's going to throw at me without so much as blinking.

"What I wanted to know from you is, are you alright?" he asks, actually sounding concerned. "And I don't mean your wounds, I know Don has been taking good care of you. I want to know how you are mentally."

The question comes so sudden and unexpected that for a moment I am so busy ordering my thoughts that there's hardly room to be insulted. What does he mean 'mentally'? I'm just fine, ain't I? I'm just me, the idiot who can face seas of enemies straight on without blinking but is afraid of conversations with his own family. So yeah, maybe I'm a little messed-up right now, but not _insane_.

"I don't know what you're thinking, Fearless but from my point of view there's a hell of a lot more wrong with _your _noggin if you think that-"

"Alright, alright, stop the insults already," he interrupts with annoyance on his face. I scowl just as hard to show him I don't like being shut up. "I'm not here to offend you, I'm just worried. Raph, the last time something big happened in your life you left for three years going on a rampage through the city and you refused to see any of us if it wasn't on your own conditions."

"You have no idea what that did to us, how much it scared Donnie and Mikey to see you that way. It doesn't matter to me what you've done in the past. You're my brother and I won't leave _any_ brothers of mine hanging. But I need to know that you're sane enough to be around our little brothers again because if there's one thing I won't allow, it is that my family will get hurt more than it already is."

I'm speechless. And seriously, it's pretty hard to get me to be speechless. Here I thought Leo would kick me out of the house the moment I had healed enough for his conscience to allow it. And yes, we're speaking of Leo, the big brother who never leaves our side even when we push him away, but we all know that even Leo has his standards, lines that should never be crossed. I thought me killing so many people was definitely crossing a line. It probably would have been for anyone else.

"You think I was crazy?"

Because I'm pretty sure I was _not_. I was just angry. Angry and over-protective. Maybe a little paranoid as well. But not crazy.

"Come on, Raph. If you would've been human and got caught, you would've spent the rest of your life in a mental asylum after your jail time. If they wouldn't just have locked you away for life, that is. When you did what you did, you weren't in your right mind. A person doesn't murder like that when knows what he's doing. What you did, that wasn't the Raphael I've grown up with."

"Oh yeah?" I feel anger sparking again. He's not right. I was confident in what I was doing. I never felt more alive and justified. "And how do you know that wasn't me, huh? Wasn't it sensei who kept nagging about my anger-issues? Maybe you don't know me as well as you think."

I feel smug smile come onto my face when Leo's own calm resolve breaks. Who does he think he is? I know what I did is wrong and I feel a bad about some of it, sure. But he's got to know that I don't _regret_ anything that happened out there for a second. I was in full control, I was aware of what I was doing and the reason of why I was there. I'm sorry Leo, but to hell with Bushido. If you want to win the war, keep the people you care about safe, honour has nothing to do with it. You fight, you eliminate the threats, no matter what the stakes are. You strengthen your mind and deal with the problem. But that doesn't necessarily make me crazy.

"I know you better than you think. I was sure that you had finally lost it. I was ready to give up on you. But then we couldn't find you that night. Never before had you promised to meet up with us and weren't there."

He sighs, like he's very tired. My mind still tries to wrap around the fact that he cares so much. That even though I had fought with him a week before, he was worried when I didn't show up that night. That even though he has a lot of reasons for it, he doesn't try to get rid of me. That even though he called me a mental-case, he still wants me to stay by my family's side and maybe, one day, he'll even trust me again.

"You can keep telling me that you don't care about yourself but when we found you on that rooftop, only seconds away from being stabbed… you were different then. We've seen you in those bouts of rages. We've seen the results even more often. When you lay there, you looked like my brother again. You were very afraid, Raphael."

Of course I was afraid, I was fringing' terrified! Can you blame me, I thought I was a goner. But maybe he is right as well. I know what he's talking about. The difference between me then and when I was so angry. It's about that red haze that kept captivating my mind. It wasn't there when I was on the brink of death. It wasn't there then to keep me safe and take the pain away. My brothers where though.

Also, if I would still be as angry as I was a week ago, I would've torn Leo's head off by now. But here he is, lecturing me about my own stupidities like nothing ever changed and not even a single mark on him. I guess that me just laying here and taking all that from him, counts as having changed, even if it's only for a little bit.

"I guess when I saw you there, when you figured out what had just happened to you, that I understood. I thought you were a selfish bastard who couldn't control himself. But you did it for us, didn't you? When you were about to die, you did it all for us?"

I shrug. I don't know anymore. It sounds like what I told Splinter but he already said that it wasn't true. I like Leo's version though. It sounds nice. It would explain a lot about me too, I guess. But that's Leo for you. Even though Donnie is the mastermind, looking for answers everywhere, it is Leo who can convince you of practically everything, no matter how impossible it sounds to you afterwards. He could make a tiger become a vegetarian if he wanted to. And just how many times has Mikey quipped that our oldest brother should run for president?

"I was ready to die," I eventually say, the bitter taste of self-disgust on my tongue when the answer forms in my brain. "But it was out of guilt, not because I care so much. I didn't feel like I protected you guys by dying. I just felt like the worst asshole for leaving in the first place. I deserved that death and to me nothing else mattered much anymore. Going back to you didn't matter and that whole fucking mission meant next to nothing at that moment. All that mattered was that I stopped caring about anything but who I had killed and the families I had destructed in the process. Ours to start with. It wasn't out of love Leo, it was out of guilt."

He smiles, the first real Leo-smile I've possibly seen in years. There is this knowing look in his eyes too and I swear he steals it from Splinter. But as much as it has annoyed me over the years, I kind of like it right now.

"You can't feel that much guilt without love, brother."

He stands up and walks off towards the door.

"Think about this for a little while. I was serious when I said that we need you to get better both physically and mentally before we can get back to being a family again. Donnie seems to be fine around you but Mikey needs a lot of more work, trust me."

Before he has the chance to leave the lab, I call out his name.

"Leo?"

He turns around, giving me that gentle smile he usually reserves for only Mikey and occasionally for Donnie when he acts young enough. It's kind of parental I guess, because Splinter can also look exactly like this whenever we do something stupid or something he approves of very much. For me it's a first to have it directed from Leo towards _me_. I sort of like it.

"I do, I mean, I do trust you. I trust all of you guys with my life. Heh, duh, you saved my life," I feel like I want to sink through the floor all of the sudden. I'm so bad at this crap. "What I mean to say is that uh… You can trust me. I ain't going nowhere. I'm here to stay and fix things with you."

For a moment Leo seems as surprised as I've been the whole time during our conversation. But then his eyes kind of light up, the way Mikey's used to. And with that smile on his face and the rest of his posture all relaxed, he finally looks like a nineteen-year-old again.

"I know," he says before he shuts the door.

**Not too long but I still thought it was sweet. D'aww… I love big brother Leo! I just couldn't imagine Leo being very angry with Raph or wanting to throw him out and all. He's too good of a big brother for that. And to forgiving. **

**I gotta say though, this story is nearing its end. I've tried to prolong it a bit here and there but hey, it was all about Raphie's story in this one and he's almost there at the moment. So yeah, a couple of more chapters, three at the max, but I think only two, and then we're done. Feels weird though, I've never finished a story before… I wonder if this is the feeling you get when your child leaves the house or something. **

**Please tell me what you think! And yes, when you tell me what you think it's very important to do that in a review. It would be very hard for me to hear all the way overhere in the Netherlands. So just get it over with already XD**

**See ya guys!**


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Ninja Turtles, Family, Hurt-Comfort