1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer – I don't own _Law and Order: Special Victims Unit_ or any of its characters.

Reconciliation – chapter one

"_We are not put on earth for ourselves, but are placed here for each other. If you are there always for others, then in time of __need__, someone will be there for you.__" _

_Jeff Warner_

She tried to concentrate on the file in front of her but she found her mind wandering. It was late and the rest of the unit had left a few hours ago. Fin hovered for a while but she told him she would be fine and he could go home. He'd pinned her with a final look of worry, telling her to call when she got home, whenever that may be.

Olivia was about to give up on the report when there was a timid knock on her door. She looked up to see the young blonde woman in her doorway. "Kathleen?" She questioned as she rolled her chair backwards and stood from behind her desk. She couldn't help glancing behind Kathleen, wondering if she had come alone.

"Hi Liv," Kathleen said hesitantly as she stepped into the office giving a small wave of her hand.

"Is everything okay?" Olivia asked coming to stand in front of Kathleen. Her mind reeling as she tried to think of a reason to trigger the unexpected visit, especially at this time of night. She rested lightly on her desk as she gestured for her former partner's daughter to sit in one of the chairs in front of her desk.

Kathleen nodded as she took the chair closest to the door placing her back pack at her feet before looking up at Olivia from under hooded eyes. "I just wanted to see you, to see how you are," Kathleen told her.

Olivia tried not to tense, but the sudden reappearance of the second oldest Stabler child already had her on guard. She regretted the action almost immediately; Kathleen wasn't responsible for her father's actions. To make Kathleen more comfortable Olivia slipped from the edge of the desk she slid smoothly into the other chair and focused on Kathleen.

"I'm getting there," Olivia told her softly. The last year had been hell, there was no denying it. Kathleen had no doubt seen the headlines and news broadcasts of the trial and ensuing escape and death of William Lewis.

Olivia saw the similarities between father and daughter when Kathleen stared back at her, scrutinising her, not saying a word for a long moment as she figured out whether or not Olivia was telling the truth. "Are you?" She finally asked.

Olivia felt her lip curl upward unintentionally. This wasn't the same self-absorbed teenager that had driven her father crazy. She had matured into a caring young woman. Olivia noted Kathleen's bold honesty hadn't escaped her while she had grown up; she just knew how to phrase it better than she had as a teenager.

"It's taking time," Olivia admitted. Kathleen's responding look was void of the pity which Olivia had grown accustomed to since her first abduction. It was of understanding, no judgement, and no sympathy. She wondered briefly if Elliot had sent her in lieu of himself. "Why are you here Kathleen?"

"I just wanted to let you know you have a friend to talk to if you need to, someone away from all of this," she explained softly her hand gesturing the squad room, not backing away from Olivia's almost harsh tone. "You helped me a long time ago, and I don't think I would be in the position I am today if you hadn't convinced my grandmother to talk to me. I wouldn't have gotten the help I needed."

Olivia blinked back the pang of disappointment as she failed to mention Elliot. Refocusing on Kathleen she gave a tiny smile. "I was happy to help," she said simply. "How are you now?"

"I graduated," Kathleen told her proudly. "I'm working with an organisation geared towards helping teenagers with mental health issues. I want to use my experience to help others."

Olivia gave her a genuine smile at her career choice. Silence overcame them, and after a moment it became awkward as they stared at one another, daring each other to bring up the person they had in common. Olivia couldn't bring herself to do it and broke eye contact as she asked the safer question "How are your family?"

Kathleen raised an eyebrow, but she answered anyway. "We're all good. Maureen got engaged last year. Lizzie and Dick are both in college now. Eli started school last year," she smiled. "And Mom's enjoying a peaceful house."

Olivia nodded as Kathleen avoided mentioning Elliot, knowing she was intentionally baiting Olivia to ask first. _'So much like her father,' _she thought to herself. Her curiosity got the better of her, those twelve years meant too much not to. "And your father?"

Her breath caught in her throat as Kathleen tried to find the right words. She wasn't sure what she wanted to hear. If Elliot was still dwindling after shooting a child, or if he had gotten the help he needed and found peace in the end. She didn't which scenario was better in her mind, which one excused the lack of communication for the past three years.

"He's better," Kathleen started uncomfortably. "It took a lot of time for him to open up. Mom got tired of him moping about and told him to get some help," Kathleen let out a disbelieving laugh. "And he did. I don't know what she said to him, but she got through."

Olivia kept silent as she digested the information, breathing evenly. She was saved from finding a reply as Kathleen continued, "He knows that I'm here. I asked him to come with me, but he didn't know if he'd be welcome."

Olivia nodded as she swallowed the lump in her throat. After all this time, he was still able to get to her. She felt her eyes well, remembering how Lewis had asked who she had thought of in that moment as he was cutting her trouser leg. How he knew it hadn't been Brian. Olivia had wanted Elliot there, hoped it would be him bursting through the door to find her. To save her.

'_My old partner, he'd know what to do. He wouldn't question himself after what you've done. He'd kick your teeth in, break your legs, break your arms, break your back, break your face. Maybe I should call him.'_

She had picked her phone up several times since her abduction, and since the trial to call, but her thumb only hovered over the connect button as she remembered all the times she called him after he left only to leave one voicemail after the next. It was the memory of painful heartbreak when none of them had been returned that made her put her phone back into her pocket.

"Did he want to come?" Olivia found herself asking. She needed to know if he had sent Kathleen to test the waters with her.

"You know he does Liv," Kathleen stated, her head tilting to the side sympathetically. "He's scared it's been too long."

Olivia closed her eyes, trying to compose herself against the imploring tone in the younger woman's voice. "Maybe it has," Olivia replied despite knowing if the roles had been reversed and she had been the absent one, she would want to come. Nothing would have stopped her from doing so.

Kathleen shook her head in disbelief. "You know there was a time when I didn't like you very much. I thought something was going on with you and my dad."

Olivia schooled her features against the accusation which she heard time and time again. For three years she had built walls around that special place her heart, keeping people out, keeping her feelings locked inside.

"I know nothing ever did. I think if it had he and Mom wouldn't have gotten back together. He'd still be with you," Kathleen continued.

Olivia looked away then, not wanting to hear it. She spent years fighting her feelings, telling herself there was no way they were reciprocated. When Elliot and Kathy had been separated, she allowed herself a small luxury to wonder, she allowed herself to see the way he looked at her, knowing it was mirrored from her side of their desks. And she ran from it, scared of what it could do to them.

"He loves your Mom," Olivia stated looking back at Kathleen.

Kathleen's lips lifted at the lack of the usual denial. "And he always will," she said somewhat sadly. Olivia sensed that she wanted to say something else, but Kathleen remained quiet. She glanced at the clock on her desk, knowing Fin would be worrying that he hadn't heard from her by now. "But he misses you. He gets this look whenever his phone rings and I know he hopes it's you, he's always disappointed when he realises it's not."

"He should have answered three years ago," Olivia breathed out, unable to keep the anger from her voice.

"Yes he should and he regrets not answering your calls," Kathleen told her. "I'm not excusing what he did; he shouldn't have just walked away from you like that. But it's up to him to tell you his reasons, when you're ready to hear them."

A short sharp knock on her open door stopped Olivia from replying. Both women turned to see Fin looking between them cautiously. He looked just as surprised as Olivia had been to see Kathleen. Olivia followed Kathleen's lead and rose from her chair, turning to see Kathleen give Fin a brief hug. Olivia shook her head in response to the wide eyed questioning look Fin shot her over Kathleen's shoulder.

"Hi Fin," Kathleen said as she pulled back.

"How you been Kathleen?" He asked trying to cover his shock.

"I've been good," she told him. She looked between Olivia and Fin, fully aware of the atmosphere.

"I thought I sent you home over an hour ago, what are you doing back here?" Olivia asked him.

He straightened at the soft tone. He could see how tired Olivia was, how emotionally drained she was. "I ended up going for a drink with Nick and Amanda, I came back to see if you wanted to join us," he explained looking between Olivia and Kathleen. "But if you're busy…"

Kathleen shook her head. "I need to go anyway, it's late," she said as she gathered her back pack. She grabbed a pen and a post it note pad from Olivia's desk and scribbled down a phone number. She ripped the paper from the pad and pressed it into Olivia's hand. Kathleen looked uncertainly at Olivia. "Thanks for not telling me to go away."

"I would never do that," Olivia promised, grasping the piece of paper.

Kathleen's eyes softened. "That's my number," she said leaving the invitation to call unsaid. She turned to make her way to the door, reaching it as Olivia called to her.

"Kathleen." The young woman turned expectantly and Olivia swallowed lightly, acutely aware of Fin's scrutiny. "Thank you for coming."

Kathleen nodded, pausing to see if there was anything else Olivia would say. Olivia knew she wanted to know if there was a message to pass along. Or an invitation. Was she ready to open that door again? Expose herself to that heartbreak again.

After a long moment Kathleen looked away, disappointed when Olivia didn't say anything else. She turned to go but was stopped again when Olivia spoke. "Tell your dad," she started her voice wavering slightly. She saw the hope flash in the younger woman's eyes as she looked over her shoulder expectantly. "Tell him," she started again steadfastly ignoring Fin, whose eyebrows had both risen in shock as he watched the exchange. "Tell him that he can come."

**Author Note: **_**Law and Order SVU**_** is new territory to me and I've only recently started watching reruns as well as some of season fifteen, so forgive me if anything isn't accurate. I hope that you enjoyed this. I have started a second chapter if you're interested. I would love to know what you guys think, so if you have a few minutes please leave a comment.**


	2. Chapter 2

Reconciliation – chapter two

"_She puts a hand to his mouth. She has not touched him in three years. It probably would be too much to say that he feels the darkness lift at the touch of her fingertips against his lips. But it shivers, and light bleeds in among the cracks."  
― __Michael Chabon__, __The Yiddish Policemen's Union_

For the following week Olivia found herself looking up expectantly at the sound of someone new entering the squad room, ducking her head in disappointment when she didn't see the familiar form of her absent former partner. Fin hadn't said a word about the unexpected meeting he'd interrupted, but she could see the concern in his eyes when he caught her looking at the squad room door. She declined the offer of a drink the night Kathleen had shown up, not wanting to face the scrutiny. She could trust Fin not to say anything to the others about it; he understood the emotional rollercoaster it had caused.

She cursed herself for hoping something would change after Kathleen's sudden reappearance in her life. By the end of the seventh day she had steeled herself against the onslaught of emotions that had accompanied the visit. Elliot wasn't coming, she convinced herself. She shook her head as she closed her office down for the day, packing her bag and turning her lamp off. She had left _that_ door open and he had been too much of a coward to accept the invitation. _'Damn him,' _she thought angrily. _'Damn me too for allowing myself to believe he would come.'_

Olivia shouldered her bag and stepped out from behind her desk when a familiar shadow filled her doorway. He paused at the threshold, waiting for her to beckon him. Simultaneous feelings of anger and relief flooded her as her eyes travelled the length of his form. He seemed slimmer than he had before, muscular she noted. His hands hung at his side, her eyes rose to his hair, bypassing his face. His hair was greying, but then so was hers. Finally she allowed her gaze to drift to his face she noted that he had aged well, peacefully even. She envied it.

Brown eyes met blue and Olivia's breath caught as she realised he was staring at her just as intently. He was studying her with that intense gaze of his, looking through the charade she put on for the rest of the world. She felt completely exposed as he pinned her with his empathic stare, knowing he saw what she tried to hide from everyone else.

'_Damn him.'_

His stare was full of compassion and understanding as he hesitated in the entrance to her office. Fury and relief still raged within her and Olivia didn't know if she wanted to hug him or hit him. She stepped forward, her bag dropping to the edge of her desk. She felt her arms lifting, unbidden, as she walked towards him. He saw the unspoken invitation and his long strides meant he met her half way as she wrapped her arms around his waist, burying her face in the crook of his neck.

Olivia breathed him in as they clung to one another, finding the familiar scent of him soothing. She would never forget the smell, the one that lingered as they huddled over a case file, or when they had sat in a squad car for too long on a stakeout. Part aftershave, part masculine, part something that was distinctly Elliot Stabler. The one that made her feel safe.

He really was there, not some figment of her imagination. She bit back a sob that almost escaped as she closed her eyes against the exposed skin of his neck and his arms tightened their hold on her.

"Ssh," he hushed her, his hand stroke her head holding her to him.

Blinking back the tears, she pushed herself away from Elliot. Her hand reared back and moved through the air quickly, connected with his cheek with a resounding smack. "You son of a bitch," she said, her voice quiet and trembling with fury.

"I was expecting that before the hug," he said as he raised his hand to grasp his cheek where a red spot was no forming as he looked at her with a wry smile on his face. His cerulean eyes twinkled in the darkness at her. "I deserved it," he said, fuelling her ire even further.

"And a whole lot more," she said as she stood her ground.

He worked his jaw lightly before nodding. "I do," he agreed.

"Twelve years," she accused him shakily. "And you leave without one word."

He tensed lightly but he didn't reply and the smile dropped from his face. They stared at one another for what seemed like an eternity but in reality it was only a few seconds before Olivia had to turn away.

"Do you have anything to say?" She asked quietly her arms crossing defensively in front of her.

"I'm sorry," was all he offered. She could tell from his voice that he knew it was an inadequate answer.

Olivia gave him a sharp look. "I don't want an apology, I deserve an explanation."

"You think it was easy for me to walk away from you?" Elliot asked.

"You could have told me yourself, not leave it up to the Captain," she told him as she resumed pacing. He was too calm, accepting her anger, allowing her rage to take centre stage, not letting her goad him into an argument. It irritated the hell out of her.

Elliot sighed as he looked back at her. "I should have returned your calls," he conceded.

"You could've at least said goodbye," Olivia replied.

"That was the problem," Elliot said taking a step towards her. "I couldn't."

Olivia's brow furrowed in confusion. "Why couldn't you?"

"Why didn't you say goodbye when you went to computer crimes? Or undercover?" Elliot countered.

"Are you saying this was payback?" She asked incredulously. Their eyes locked and Olivia saw the flash of annoyance in his eyes at the jibe. But it was gone as soon as it came.

He slowly shook his head, glancing away briefly. "No I would never do that," Elliot promised. His hands moved to his hips as he took a deep breath, trying to find the right words to adequately explain. "I didn't say goodbye because I know if tried I wouldn't be able to."

The soft gentle tone of his voice made Olivia pause, her mouth dropping open slightly, her response dying on her lips. He stood patiently as she processed his explanation which she couldn't deny. When she left after Gitano, Olivia knew if Elliot had known he would have tried to talk her out of it and she probably would have let him. If she was honest with herself, she wouldn't have been able to say goodbye either, wouldn't have been able to sever their connection. It still didn't make up for three years of nothing.

"You didn't have to shut me out of your life," she told him, her own voice softening as she leant against the edge of her desk. "I wouldn't have talked you out of it if you didn't want me too."

He took another step forward, his movements deliberate giving her ample opportunity to tell him to back off is she wanted to. Her eyes flickered at the receding space between them but said nothing nor did anything to stop him.

"I needed to sort my own head out. Kathy put up with me for a while before telling me to get my head out of my own ass. By that point I figured you would be too pissed to talk to me."

"I'm still angry, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have heard you out. You really think I would?" Olivia asked. She kept her gaze steady on him as he thought about his response. After a long moment he sighed and shook his head mutely, ashamed of his own behaviour. Her heart went out to him; she couldn't imagine how horrible it was to shoot a child, especially one who they had duty to protect. She wasn't ready to talk to him about her own reaction to his departure, ready to let him off the hook so easily, so instead she asked, "How is Kathy?" Though they had never really been friends, Olivia felt an affinity with the woman.

Elliot's eyebrows rose at the question, but his lips lifted into half a smile. "She's okay. We're on good terms," he explained. "I have Eli every other weekend."

Olivia's eyes widened at the admission. After years of them fighting about his job, they had separated after he left it behind. Kathleen hadn't mentioned it when they spoke. She recovered from her falter and asked, "When did you separate?"

"We signed the divorce papers about a year after I left the force. It was a mutual decision," he added.

Olivia gulped lightly. "I'm sorry," she offered gently.

Elliot accepted her condolence with a brief nod. "We got back together for the wrong reasons. Apart from Eli, nothing changed between us." There was a pause as he looked her over again, gaging her reaction. "You look tired."

Olivia met his eyes, the sincerity she saw there breaking through the metaphorical wall she had tried to put between them to protect herself. But he was right. She was tired, emotionally and physically. "It's been a long year."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I have been." She wasn't ready to share that much with him, but she wanted him to know that she was getting help.

"Has it been helping?"

"It has," Olivia nodded. She eyed him, taking in his calm attitude. It made her nervous; he could still read her, but she had no idea how to deal with this new peaceful Elliot. "What's your secret?"

"Huh?"

Olivia jutted her chin in his direction. "You're not angry anymore; I'm wondering how you did it."

Elliot gave her a long look, appraising her. "I'm still angry, but I'm dealing with it better than I was," he started. "I went to my therapist every week for the first eighteen months, then about once a month. But for the last year I've had to go back to once a week."

Olivia shook her head, unable to trust her own voice. She heard the underlying fury as he said the last part, his eyes focused on hers. She knew he was referring to what happened to her, what Lewis did to her. Elliot knew. And he had come back because of it. She looked away as his stare became too much for her. She couldn't do this with him. Not yet anyway. He of all people would know how she had reacted to the abduction, and he would understand.

Elliot cleared his throat loudly, cutting through her thoughts. Olivia turned back to him. His posture had slumped somewhat, in defeat, in surrender, but his gentle gaze penetrating her. She saw his adam's apple bob as he swallowed. "I understand that I can't walk back in here after three years and expect you to open up to me, but Liv I would like to be in your life again, if you'll let me."

His words hung between them for a long time. Olivia felt her eyes watering, but she held the tears at bay. Her throat was dry. "I wanted you there," she whispered, her resolve crumbling. Elliot's eyes clouded with worry, waiting for her to elaborate. "Lewis asked his victims who would be the person they would want to see one more time." A tear escaped, and Elliot's hand twitched as he made to step forward as if he wanted to brush it away but Olivia stepped back, her hip hitting her desk making him halt his movements. "I wanted you, I needed you, and you weren't there," she told him, her voice shaking.

"Liv…" Elliot said as went to take another step forward, and she held up a hand to stop him as the desk prevented her from moving further away.

"For twelve years you were there, and then you were gone," she hated how her voice trembled. She hated that he was the only one who was able to make her feel this way. Olivia breathed deeply in an effort to gain control, time to gather her thoughts, before continuing. "I don't know if I'm ready to let you back in, learn to depend on you being here again only for you to walk away."

This time Elliot stepped forward undeterred by Olivia's sharp glance. "I know I don't deserve another chance. This is your call Liv; I will take this however you want, whatever you're willing to give."

Olivia reached up and brushed away another tear. "And if I asked you to walk away?"

Elliot's eyes widened his mouth opening in shock. He hesitated slightly before replying, "If that's what you-"

"I don't know what I want El," Olivia interrupted, wiping her eye again.

Elliot stepped into her personal space and reached past her to the box of tissues on her desk; taking one he held it out to her. Their eyes met once again as Olivia accepted it, their fingers brushing briefly. Elliot took a small step back to give her space, but was still closer than he was before. Olivia folded the tissue and dabbed her eyes.

Dropping the hand that clutched the tissue to her lap, Olivia sighed. Olivia slumped against the edge of her desk, the adrenaline that accompanied her initial anger started to ebb away, the sound of their breathing filling the room. Elliot stood close, waiting uncharacteristically patiently. She found his presence comforting despite the turmoil it caused in her heart. He had answered her invitation to come back into her life, and was asking to stay. She wasn't ready to open herself to him completely. But she couldn't bring herself to say that final goodbye, just like he hadn't been able to three years ago.

"It's going to take time," she told him quietly.

**Author Note – Thank you all for your kind words about the first chapter, and for adding this story to your favourite and alert lists, they mean so much to me. I would love to know your thoughts on this chapter, so if you have a few minutes let me know.**


	3. Chapter 3

Reconciliation – chapter three

'_You can not easily drop a person out of your mind. Especially when that person left a special mark on your heart' – Unknown_

He fiddled with the label on his bottle of beer as he waited. Every few minutes he would look up at the door then at his watch. He sighed; this was something he didn't miss about the job, the unpredictable schedule. Elliot hadn't seen Olivia since that first time in her office nearly two weeks ago. They had talked on the phone a few times, but Olivia hadn't committed to seeing him again until she had sent him a message earlier that day asking him to meet her for a drink.

They had supposed to meet about half an hour ago, but she had called him to say she would be running late. He took it as a good sign that she asked him to meet.

In the two weeks since he had escorted her out of her office, separating at her car, they had both initiated contact with the other. He was mindful of the space Olivia needed, even though he wanted more. He didn't want to push her and blow the chance she had given him.

Elliot rolled his head against the back of the booth. His mind had replayed that evening over and over again in the past two weeks, the pain in Olivia's eyes cutting through him, knowing he was partly responsible, knowing that he should have been there to support her.

The door of the bar opened and he kept his gaze cast upwards to the ceiling. A young couple walked past his booth talking quietly as they headed towards the pool table at the rear of the bar room. He heard a familiar voice at the bar ordering drinks for three and then adding a forth.

"And another of what he's having," the voice said quietly.

The man at the bar took the drinks to the people at the pool table before Elliot heard his footsteps turn in his direction. Elliot brought his head down as Fin slid into the booth opposite him, placing a beer in front of him.

"Fin," Elliot greeted as he met his stare.

"You got some balls Stabler," Fin accused. "Sending your kid to see Liv, to see if it's okay to come and see her."

Elliot shook his head. "Kathleen was determined to see her. I didn't expect an invitation Fin; I thought Liv would be too angry with me."

"And you finally show up after nearly four years of nothing."

"Would it be better if I had stayed gone?"

"Not if Liv already agreed to let you back into her life again. And if she did, you better not walk away again," Fin told him, the unspoken threat evident in his voice. Fin's expression softened. "She's had a rough year; she doesn't need to deal with you leaving again. It broke her last time."

Elliot's gaze dropped guiltily. His eyes tracing a bead of condensation as it travelled down his bottle to the table top. "I didn't mean to leave, but after Jenna," he paused for a moment, regaining control. He still found it difficult to talk about that day. "I couldn't face any of it anymore. Not even Liv."

Fin's expression was sympathetic when Elliot raised his eyes. "Nobody coulda predicted what Jenna was gonna do. I know it doesn't make it feel right, but it was a clean shot."

"You're right, it doesn't make it better," Elliot replied solemnly.

"No matter how bad you were feelin' you didn't have to leave without a word. I thought Liv meant more to you than that," Fin said baiting him.

Their eyes locked in a stand-off. "You think there wasn't a day that didn't go by where I didn't want to call. I know I hurt her, you don't think I hate myself for that?" He never forgot the shocked, yet sympathetic stare Olivia had sent him amid the chaos in the squad room as he knelt over Jenna, applying pressure to her wound, his eyes taking in the sight of her. He never forgot the relief he felt when he realised Olivia wasn't hurt.

"Then why'd you do it? How could you?"

Elliot's fingers tapped the side of his bottle lightly. He'd asked himself those questions several times over the last four years. After the initial shock had past, the guilt set in about Jenna, his own family, Olivia. Even Kathy encouraged him to contact Olivia, something he'd found confusing at the time. Years of dodging Kathy's not so concealed barbs about his relationship with Olivia hadn't prepared him for her explanation that Olivia understood him better than she ever could.

It happened without either one of them realising. For years Elliot had been oblivious to deepening bond between himself and Olivia. Apparently those around them hadn't. They had denied every implication or innuendo, sometimes a bit too forcibly. He began to acknowledge his feelings during his separation, forcing them back into the well-guarded space in his heart when he and Kathy got back together. He tried to convince himself it was down to the high risk situations they found themselves in on a daily basis, but Olivia knew him better than anyone. He couldn't bring himself to face her, to say those final words to her. Not after he abandoned her.

"It's hard to explain, I couldn't say goodbye to her. If I had tried to look her in the eye, I know I never would have been able to. I would never have been able to leave her." Elliot took a deep breath. "I guess I always wanted something else to say to her." Fin's expression softened as he processed what Elliot told him. When it became clear that Fin wasn't going to say anything Elliot waited a beat before asking, "How is Liv? Really?"

Fin's eyebrows raised a little as he leant forward to rest his forearms on the table. "She's dealing with it, but it's been tough."

"You don't have to sugar coat it Fin," Elliot prodded. He had read the newspaper reports about what Lewis had done to his victims, what he did while he held Olivia captive. His years with SVU meant he knew there was more to it than what had been reported. Elliot hadn't been there, but he had his own nightmares about Lewis. Ones that ended with him visiting a grave rather than Olivia's office.

"_I wanted you, I needed you, and you weren't there."_

Fin shook his head. "It's up to Liv to tell you if she wants you to know," he looked Elliot up and down. "I'm guessing you're who she's got plans with."

"Yeah, she asked me to meet her here."

Fin looked him up and down. "I don't see any bullet holes; please tell me she at least decked you."

"Her right is still as powerful as it's always been," Elliot smiled as his hand subconsciously touched his cheek where she had slapped him. Fin's laughter was interrupted by a loud triumphant shout from the woman at the pool table as she teased the man. Elliot followed his gaze. "How long have they been in the unit?"

"Amanda arrived before Nick, he's your replacement." They watched as Nick racked up the balls again as Amanda put the cue ball on its spot. "It took a while for them to settle, took a long time for Liv to accept a new partner."

Elliot turned back to Fin to find his stoic stare focused on him. A flare of jealousy ran threw him. Even though he knew it was inevitable, the idea of Olivia having another partner hurt. "He got her back?" Elliot asked Fin.

Fin nodded. "He found her after she was abducted, did everything he could to get to her."

Elliot glanced over his shoulder again, his eyes narrowing on the younger man who had replaced him. A few seconds later Nick turned when he sensed someone watching him. He looked confused, his gaze shifting to over Elliot's shoulder briefly, his brow furrowing before Amanda reminded him it was his shot. Amanda's eyes shifted from Nick to Elliot then over his shoulder, presumably to Fin. Elliot turned back to Fin, who was indeed silently communicating with his partner. Elliot was envious of how close the team were, knowing he used to be a part of that.

The door opened again and they heard Nick call out as he weighed up his options for a shot. "I thought you weren't coming, you said you had plans," he said as Olivia entered the bar.

She looked uncomfortable as she took in the scene, her eyes finally meeting Elliot's. His lips turned upwards into a half smile. "I do," Olivia replied as she came to a stop beside the booth, her eyes shifting awkwardly between her current and former partners.

Elliot heard the Nick and Amanda start walking towards the booth, obviously concerned about Olivia's hesitation. Elliot saw her tense, preparing herself for the introductions she was about to make. Out of the side of his eye he saw Nick and Amanda stand next to him.

"I thought you were meeting an old friend," Amanda said, resting her cue stick on the floor.

Olivia's eyes met Elliot's and she sighed, gesturing to him. "This is Elliot, my old partner," she told them. "Elliot this is Amanda Rollins and Nick Amaro."

Elliot looked over his shoulder, standing as he did so. Amanda recovered from her shock first, but was still wide eyed as she held her hand out to him. He accepted it, and they shook briefly. He turned to his replacement.

Nick's face was clouded as he stared back at him; Elliot could see the anger simmering under the surface and hesitated for a moment before holding his hand out in the same gesture Amanda had shown him a few seconds before. Nick barely acknowledged it as he tightened his grasp on his pool cue.

"You know what, it's my shot," he said before turning away and heading back to the pool table. Amanda sent them an uncomfortable smile as she followed him back to the table.

Olivia watched them go, releasing a disappointed sigh. Elliot couldn't blame them for their reaction. He couldn't help but feel reassured by Nick's response, hoping that defensive, protective nature translated when he was working with Olivia.

"Do you want a drink?" Elliot asked Olivia as he brushed past her to go to the bar. She looked at the table and nodded.

"I'll have what you're having," she replied as she began to take off her coat before sliding into his spot in the booth.

Elliot stood at the bar, glancing over his shoulder while the barman retrieved a bottle of beer for Olivia. She was talking quietly with Fin, neither of them making any gestures or eye movements to reveal the topic of their conversation, but he had a good idea what they were talking about. He noted the position she had placed herself in, her back to the younger members of the team, facing forward to have a full view of the door. He wondered if it was just a reaction to her abduction, or if it had happened before.

Fin said something that Elliot couldn't quite make out, but he felt a flare of jealousy when Fin was rewarded with a genuine smile and a playful eye roll. The beer was placed in front of Elliot and he paid the barman before returning to the booth. Fin slipped out of the booth.

"I'll talk to you later man," he nodded to Elliot as he moved over to one of the bar stools to watch the tense match between his other colleagues.

Elliot placed the beer in front of Olivia as he sat opposite her. She looked apologetic as her hand reached for the beer. "I'm sorry," she told him. "You were already here when I found out they were coming here."

Elliot shook his head. "It's okay. They're good people," he said reclaiming his beer, his eyes fixed on the rear of the bar.

"They are," Olivia confirmed before taking a sip of her beer, her eyes roaming over Elliot cautiously.

"Protective," he commented.

Olivia's eyes narrowed. "Almost as much as you were," she told him. "Fin offered to shoot you if you pull another disappearing act."

"Good," Elliot replied unapologetically. He was glad they had formed a tight knit group. He couldn't help but be jealous of it. He wasn't the one doing the protecting anymore; he was the one they were protecting her from. To re-earn Olivia's trust he would have to earn theirs.

**Author Note – I must confess that I didn't see past the first two chapters, although I did intend for Fin to be a part of the previous chapter but he just didn't fit. I would like to remind you that my knowledge of Nick and Amanda is fairly limited from the few episodes I've seen of seasons thirteen and fifteen, so I apologise if they're out of character. Thank you all for the wonderful encouragement. If you have any thoughts about this chapter, I would love it if you would let me know.**


	4. Chapter 4

Reconciliation – chapter four

'_Missing someone isn't about how  
Long it's been since you've seen them  
Or the amount of time since you  
Last talked, it's about that very moment  
When you're doing something and you  
Wish that they were right there with you'_

_\- Macy Newkirk_

Olivia pressed the bell to let her therapist know that she was waiting for him. She sat down on one of the chairs, resolutely resisting the urge to pace the waiting room. Olivia breathed out heavily. It had been a strange few weeks and she was beginning to feel overwhelmed.

Reconnecting with Elliot after so long was exhausting. She had thought meeting him at the bar was a good idea, a neutral public place where he wouldn't be inclined to talk about anything too personal. It had worked, sticking to safe topics such as his children. The situation was made uncomfortable by the stares they both felt from the rest of her team. That had been five days ago.

She could tell Amanda was restraining herself from asking the questions that were clearly going through her mind, and Olivia had caught her several times walking in her direction only to break off at the last minute. Fin took it in his stride, giving her the space she needed to deal with Elliot's sudden reappearance in her life. And Nick…Nick kept their entire interaction professional, not saying much that wasn't case related. He barely acknowledged Elliot's presence, only scoffed when Fin mentioned something.

With the way she treated him in the early months of their partnership, she couldn't blame Nick for his behaviour. Olivia had been acting out of self-preservation, protecting herself from letting someone else in. Nick saw Elliot as a threat to Olivia. He didn't know Elliot, just how hurt she had been when he first arrived.

She sighed as she looked to the still closed door of Doctor Lindstrom. Realising her fingertips had been drumming nervously on the edge of her seat Olivia clasped them together in her lap. She hadn't seen Lindstrom in weeks, since before Elliot had come to her office. They didn't have an appointment scheduled till next week. She had phoned him out of the blue this morning to see if he could fit her in. It must have been something in her voice which made him agree readily.

The sound of the door opening made Olivia look up. Lindstrom was the mask of professionalism as he looked back at Olivia. His expression did little to put Olivia at ease as he greeted her.

"Olivia," he said holding the door open and gesturing for her to enter.

Olivia almost flew off the chair and she walked past him quickly. "Thank you for fitting me in at short notice."

Doctor Lindstrom shut the door behind her and sat in his chair. Olivia allowed herself to pace slowly in the middle of the room, trying to control her breathing to temper her own anxiety. She could feel her doctor's gaze on her. She wished everyone would stop watching her. She wondered if he would let her get away with turning around and walking out.

"What do you want to talk about Olivia?" He asked gently.

Olivia stopped her pacing, turning her body to face him but kept her eyes fixed on the windows behind him. She took one more deep breath. "The daughter of a friend came to see me a couple of weeks ago. I haven't seen or heard from her father in nearly four years," Olivia paused even she could hear the strain in her voice. She dropped her gaze to his face, he was studying her intently and she turned away again. She started pacing as she felt the urge to flee again.

When she said nothing more, the doctor spoke. "What relationship did you have with her father?"

Olivia eyes closed briefly. "He was my partner for twelve years." Two more steps then she turned. Lindstrom was silent, he was letting her explain. She had mentioned Elliot before, briefly when describing those moments in the house with Lewis but she bypassed the doctors' question about why it had been Elliot she wanted there. "He came to see me a week a few weeks ago."

"How do you feel about that after four years of separation?"

"I told him to come," she explained softly. Elliot had kept his word, allowing her to dictate how they reconnected, keeping his distance when she needed him to.

"Are you regretting that decision?"

"No," that was one point that she was clear on. Olivia wanted his presence in her life, she was sure of it. For the years since he left, it had felt like something was missing. Even talking to him on the phone had made her feel better. Even under the scrutiny of the team, she had given herself the small luxury of relaxing while he told her about Eli's soccer game. "I'm just finding it hard. I'm feeling suffocated."

"Why?"

"Because he knows me," she sighed. Her admission hung in the air. Three steps forward, turn. "He hasn't been in my life for four years, but he still knows me better than anyone. He understands better than anyone."

"Is he pressuring you to re-establish a friendship with him?" Lindstrom asked.

Olivia shook her head. "The opposite," Olivia told him. "Elliot is giving me space, he's being patient. Believe me that is hard for him," her lips lifted slightly. "I feel like I'm always on guard around him, trying to hide from him."

"Why is that?"

"Because he knows me," Olivia repeated. She knew it wasn't the answer he was looking for, but it was the only one she had. She had come here because she thought she needed to talk, even if it was to say her thoughts out loud so she could make sense of them. She had spent so much energy proving to herself and everyone around her that she was okay, that she was dealing with it. With Elliot it was so much harder because he could see what everyone else couldn't.

"Do you have anything to hide?"

'_Me,' _she thought to herself. "I know how guilty he already feels for not being there for me. If I told him what Lewis did, it would make things worse." She knew how Elliot's mind worked, just like he knew hers. She knew he would spiral just like she did.

"You said you haven't spoken to him in four years," Lindstrom prodded. "He obviously means a lot to you for to be able to invite him back into your life."

Olivia blinked her pace faltering slightly before she corrected her footing. "I was angry when he left. It hurt, and I pushed a lot of people away," she licked her suddenly dry lips. "He never said goodbye," Olivia explained, her voice almost a whisper.

She took a deep breath, the initial adrenaline of her panicked state ebbing away as she was finally calm enough to stop pacing. She walked over to the other chair, sinking into it. She looked at Lindstrom and he stared back at her with a neutral expression.

"Have you asked him why?"

Olivia nodded. "We talked about it," was all she said, not elaborating. Elliot had broken their rule when he explained his years of silence; the rule where they didn't admit anything, not out loud anyway.

"What prompted the initial contact after so many years?" Lindstrom tried another question to get to the bottom of Olivia's anxiety.

"Lewis," she breathed out shakily. "Elliot wanted to see how I was."

Lindstrom was silent as he appraised her when she admitted that. He could hear the strain in her voice, knowing where her thoughts were. "Elliot was the man who you mentioned, the one you thought of," he surmised. At her nod, he continued. "I asked you at the time why you chose Elliot, but you weren't comfortable enough to share your reasons."

"He makes me feel safe," she whispered, slightly ashamed of admitting it. "And I hate that. My entire life I never needed anyone." Olivia took a deep breath. "When Lewis had me, I was trying to find the courage to survive, to find something to keep fighting for. Then Lewis told me his other victims would scream the name of someone they give anything to see, one more time. It made me think of Elliot, and of the things I still needed to say to him. It gave me the strength I needed to survive."

Olivia looked away briefly, her eyes watering but she was able to control her tears. "I thought of him because he would never let me give up."

"There are a lot of unresolved issues between yourself and Elliot," Lindstrom stated.

'_That's an understatement,' _Olivia thought. Again she nodded, looking away from the doctor.

"If you like I can provide an environment here for you both to talk to one another," he offered.

Olivia shook her head, biting back the laugh that almost escaped at the thought. "I'm not going into therapy with Elliot. Besides I'm not ready," she added.

"Ready for what?"

"To rely on him again."

"You don't want to be hurt again."

Olivia shook her head. Trying to ignore the tightening of her chest, ignore the pain that flared. She could remember Cragen telling her Elliot put his papers in, realising he wasn't going to return her calls. She was scared of feeling that pain again, something no one else provoked in her.

"Why does your relationship with Elliot scare you?"

'_Because he knows me.'_

…_.._

She had wandered aimlessly for almost an hour after leaving Lindstrom's office. It wasn't until she realised she was around the corner from the address he had given her the first time they had meet in her office that she knew where she was going. Pulling her phone from her pocket she found his name and dialled.

After a couple of rings Elliot answered. "Stabler," he said into the phone.

Olivia smiled at the familiar way he answered. "Hi," she breathed out, fighting to keep her voice steady. "I was wondering if we could talk."

Elliot was silent; obviously shocked since they hadn't spoken in a few days, maybe he could hear the slight tremble in her voice. "Yeah," he said, recovering. "Where do you want to meet?"

"Actually I'm right round the corner from your place, are you home?"

"Yeah, come on up," Elliot replied. "Let me know when you're here, I'll buzz you in."

Not five minutes later, Olivia was walking through the lobby of his building and up to the second floor. Olivia raised her fist to knock on his door, but her hand never made contact with the wood because it was pulled open. She lowered her hand to her side as Elliot came into view.

Their eyes met almost immediately, his eyes searching hers for signs of distress. She had no idea how long they stood staring at each other, all she knew was that Elliot recovered first and was stepping aside, holding the door open for her to enter his apartment. She walked in, angling her body to avoid brushing against his. She paused in the hallway, unsure of where to go. Elliot shut the door behind and gestured for to go to the left. She followed his direction as he trailed behind her.

Olivia allowed her eyes to glance at the pictures which lined the walls of the hallway, all of them of his kids. She continued into the living room and was surprised to find a comfortable space. It was lived in compared to the sparse apartment he moved into when he and Kathy separated. He had lived here for a while, he had settled here.

Olivia paused, standing next to the sofa but she never sat. Instead she turned to face Elliot as he came to a stop behind her. He watched her closely, gaging her stance and expression. He was worried about her. Elliot didn't ask her to sit; he knew she was too wound up to rest.

Olivia looked away acutely aware that neither of them had said anything since she had entered the apartment. Lindstrom's words had been playing over and over in her head for the past hour.

"_You will never resolve your issues with Elliot unless you talk to him. For you to do that you need to open yourself up to the possibility of being hurt again."_

She breathed out slowly. "I'm sorry for the short notice," she apologised as she looked out of the window. It was ajar and she could feel a breeze coming in.

Elliot took a small step towards her, cautiously so as not to spook her. "It's okay," he replied gently. He didn't push her, letting her take her time to explain her visit.

Olivia walked to the window, her arms crossing over her body protectively. She couldn't look at him right now, but she could feel his gaze on her back. She wished everyone would stop watching her.

"He didn't rape me," Olivia started. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Elliot take another step forward. She shook her head and he stopped.

"Olivia you don't have to…"

She shook her head again to stop him. Lindstrom asked her if she was hiding and she realised that's what they had both done through their entire partnership. But their relationship had changed now. Olivia didn't want history to repeat itself. She needed to be honest. Elliot had broken their rule, and now so was she.

"Lewis made me watch as he tortured others. He, uh, hurt them more if I tried to look away or close my eyes."

"He knew that would hurt you most."

Olivia nodded. Her years of listening to victims as they told their story hadn't prepared her for what Lewis had shown her.

"Liv, you can't feel guilty for surviving," Elliot told her gently. "Lewis tortured you, mentally and physically. You fought back and you survived."

"I fought back," Olivia whispered. "I survived because I thought about you. I could hear your voice in my head, telling me to get up and fight. Not to let him win."

Elliot must have read her admission as an invitation and he moved to stand behind her. He was close enough that she could feel his body heat. He wouldn't touch her, Olivia knew that. But she found herself wanting him to hold her. Her arms tightened around waist, comforting herself.

"The last few weeks I have been trying to keep you at arm's length. Trying to prove how strong I am without you." Olivia shut her eyes, a solitary tear escaping. "I've been trying to protect myself from you."

"Why?" His voice was soft, imploring.

"Because you know me," she whispered. "Because you're not my partner anymore."

**Author Note – I have no idea if Olivia ever mentioned to anyone about that moment when she spoke about Elliot, but I could imagine it coming up in her therapy sessions. I just want to thank you all for such an amazing response to the story. If you have any comments on the chapter, I would to know them. **


	5. Chapter 5

Reconciliation – chapter five

'_It'd been a long time since they'd been together, but as close as they were physically, they'd never been so far apart in every other way.'  
― __Jennifer Faye__, __Snowbound with the Soldier_

"_Because you're not my partner anymore." _

Olivia's eyes shut, holding back the tears she felt welling. Behind her Elliot tensed and she thought he was about to reach for her, but she looked down to see his hand flex at his side as he resisted the urge. She wouldn't have pushed him away. For years she fought the ache for contact, she could do it again.

"No, I'm not your partner," his voice trembled and he paused. "Anymore. But I will always be with you, just like you're always with me; even if it's just a voice in my head and my heart." He paused to let that sink in. "I'm glad that you thought of me. It means that I can talk to you in person rather than your headstone."

Olivia unsuccessfully tried to suppress a shudder at the underlying edge to his otherwise gentle voice. He misinterpreted the shiver and his arm reached around her to pull the window shut. Olivia caught his arm, stopping its' movement. They stilled at the touch, warmth shooting through them. Olivia looked over her shoulder, fighting the urge to back away when she realised the movement had brought Elliot closer than he had been. "Leave it open," she ordered quietly.

Her arm remained on his arm as his eyes searched hers. Seconds later his arm lowered to his side, brushing against hers as it did so. Her arm returned to her waist, tighter than before as he continued to study her face. Olivia held his gaze because she couldn't bring herself to look away, scared of losing that connection. In the end it was Elliot who broke the stare, blinking away the tears she saw as he stepped back.

"Do you want a drink?" He asked stiffly as he walked to the kitchen.

"Yes, thanks," Olivia croaked out, shaking her head as she broke out of the reverie. She watched him as he started filling his kettle, detaching himself from the emotions that were running through him. Olivia was relieved she wasn't the only one affected. She sighed and moved away from the window.

"_Because you're not my partner anymore."_

The words were like a revelation to her as she finally put a voice to what had been bothering her about Elliot's return. She had no idea where he fit into her life now. He wasn't her partner, and they had been apart for too long for them to be friends. Sitting at the end of the couch furthest from the kitchen Olivia continued to watch Elliot closely as he busied himself in the kitchen making their drinks.

His calm exterior was fading. She understood why he was trying to regain control of his emotions, she wished she could do the same but it would be impossible. Olivia didn't want that to happen, hated that he was trying to make that happen. She knew he was doing it as much for her as well as himself, giving her space to decide if she wanted to continue talking. They couldn't continue to hide from one another. If they were going to be in each other's lives they couldn't back away when either of them said something the other was uncomfortable with.

The clinking of the spoon against the side of the cup made Olivia sit up straighter. Elliot approached her, cups in hand. He had lost the tension in his face, but his eyes were pink and full of anguish. He stood in front of her, his hand holding out one of the cups.

"Thank you," Olivia said as she accepted the cup. From the smell she could tell it wasn't coffee. Bringing it down to peer into the cup she saw petals and a flower. "It's tea?"

Elliot's eyes lightened as he too remembered her saying that several years ago, stating rather than questioning. "Maureen likes it," he explained as he sat at the other end of the couch.

Olivia pressed herself against the arm as she tried to fathom that he had tea in cupboard even if it was for his eldest. He turned his body towards her, one leg folding beneath the other. She held the cup with both of her hands, absorbing its' warmth. The temperature had dropped as a cool breeze drifted in through the window, but she didn't want Elliot to shut it. It reminded her there was air in the room.

Elliot sighed, and Olivia glanced in his direction. She could see the questions and the reluctance to ask them fighting. She wanted him to ask, by coming here she had opened the door to discuss what had happened with Lewis.

He cast another look over her face, deciding whether or not to put voice to those questions. "Did he try?"

Olivia nodded uncomfortably. "He had started cutting my clothes, and was about to undo his trousers when I broke free."

Elliot nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat. This was as difficult for him as it was for her; he was following her lead and allowing her to share what she was willing too. Again Elliot nodded but he put the cup on the table, turning his body as he did so. He hunched over, his elbows resting on his knees. Olivia saw his arm tremble as he flexed his fingers once again to keep his emotions in check.

"The worst part was when I came back to work. Everyone looking at me like I was about to fall apart, doubting whether or not I could do this job anymore," Olivia sighed. "I almost walked during my first case back."

"Why didn't you? No one would have blamed you," Elliot told her softly, glancing over his shoulder to catch her eye.

Her mouth dropped but she quickly regained her composure. "I had to prove to everyone, myself included, that I could still do it. Lewis wasn't going to beat me. He wasn't going to take the unit away from me too. He wasn't going to stop me from helping other victims," Olivia told him vehemently.

There was a long silence as they stared at one another. She could see the rage building in him. Olivia had never been afraid to stand up to Elliot, even when he was angry. They weren't afraid to yell at one another, both too stubborn at times, but he would never hurt her. As she sat watching his new found calmness slip away, instead of being wary of it, she found it reassuring. The old Elliot was still there.

It was why she hadn't wanted to tell him. Initially she hadn't been ready, not just because of years of absence, but Elliot also admitted he increased his counselling sessions because of her abduction. There was part of her that wanted to protect him from those details. But Elliot had been a part of Special Victims long before she had every graced the squad room. His knowledge and imagination would be conjuring ideas of what Lewis did to her. She could imagine how he had tortured himself over the guilt for not being there for her. No matter how reassuring she found the glimpse of the old Elliot, she didn't want to drag him back there, into that nightmare.

"You were still fighting back," Elliot stated. At Olivia's nod, he continued. "Proving that he hadn't won."

"We've told hundreds of victims to get the help they need to regain control of their lives. Going back to work, helping others through it…" Olivia trailed off when his eyes softened.

"You thought you had more to prove. You had to be stronger than everyone else because how could all of those victims get the help they needed when the person telling them to do so seemed to be falling apart."

Olivia shut her eyes. She had been right, he still knew her. She could feel his gaze on her. Everyone watched her so closely now, waiting for her to crack. Elliot said nothing, to neither encourage nor discourage her from telling her story, worried she would clam back up.

"He broke out of prison to frame me for his death," she breathed out, screwing her eyes shut tighter. "He kidnapped a little girl and I couldn't let him hurt her. So I gave him what he wanted. Me." Olivia paused, her heart beginning to beat faster as she remembered the adrenaline that had pumped through her that day. "He put one bullet in the cylinder of the revolver, and spun it," she swallowed the lump that formed in her throat at the memory of the sound of metal on metal spinning, bullet locked in place, the click that came five times before the last turn. Her eyes opened, meeting Elliot's pained blue ones. "He made me take turns to pull the trigger."

Her tongue came out to moisten her lips. "I was meant to take the last round, the bullet was meant for me. But he pulled the gun to his head and pulled the trigger to make it look like I had done it," Her voice cracked but she shook her head to hold back the tears. "During the IAB investigation, everyone was telling me to save myself. They thought I did it, they thought I was lying. No one believed me."

"I would have," Elliot assured her. He didn't add that no one would have blamed her, because she would have blamed herself. He knew that self-blame could do more damage than any other blame. No matter what Lewis had done, Olivia wanted him brought to justice for his crimes.

"I know," she replied. Elliot would never have waivered in his support, standing in her corner till the end. The panic she had been feeling all day was starting to subside. They sat in comfortable silence for several minutes; the drinks in their hands still untouched grew cold.

"I wanted to call you," Elliot started. "I had your number up on the screen, about to press connect. I just wanted to hear your voice to make sure you were alive."

"_It means that I can talk to you in person rather than your headstone."_

Olivia wondered how many of Elliot's nightmares ended in that scenario. She'd lost count of hers. "You could have called," she told him.

"I was a coward," Elliot replied. "I had no idea how to approach you. I didn't want you to think I only came back because you were abducted." Olivia brow furrowed as he spoke. "I wanted to call before. I wanted to explain…I wanted to be part of your life again. You know you didn't have to open up to me today, I wouldn't have pushed you to tell me if you didn't want to."

"I know. I've been going over it in my head, and it was driving me crazy. I ended up at my therapists' office this afternoon, and he offered us counselling," she let out a small laugh. Elliot smiled with her. "He encouraged me to talk to you, because hiding it from you was getting too hard. It was either that or telling you to walk away."

"Good," he let out a relieved sigh. "Because honestly I don't think I could walk away again." He gazed intently at her.

Olivia's heart began to beat faster, heat rising in her cheeks. She had to look away when his gaze became too much for her. "Good, but I have to know," she looked at the cup in her hands, blinking once before raising her head and pinning him with her stare, brown eyes meeting blue. "I have to know why you never said goodbye."

**Author Note – Sorry for the delay, I just had so many ideas for this chapter that I couldn't cohesively put together. It's taken a while to figure it out. I hope you're still following. Thank you all for the encouraging words, all of the support has been amazing. If you have the time, I would love to know what you think of the chapter. Hopefully I can get the next chapter out a bit quicker.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Author Note – Oh wow! What an astounding response. I'm so happy you all liked the last chapter. I was able to get this chapter out a bit quicker because here is the other half of my ideas which I couldn't fit into the last one. Hope you like it, if you have any thoughts I would love to hear them.**

Reconciliation – chapter six

'_I__ don't know where I stand with you, nor do I know what I mean to you. All I know is that every time I think of you, I want to be with you.__' - Unknown_

Elliot paused at her request unsure if now was the right time to tell her the reasons for his absence. She was still shaking lightly, and he didn't want to cause her anymore emotional upheaval. His own emotions were bubbling under the surface and he was scared what kind of reaction would be caused if he confessed all. Olivia had opened herself up to him, reluctantly allowing him to see how terrified Lewis had made her. She being vulnerable in front of others, usually waiting till she was in private to work through her demons. He wanted to return her trust in him, not run away like they both had time and time again. He placed his cup on the coffee table, clasping his hands together as they dangled in between his legs.

"I was ashamed," Elliot started softly. He hadn't said any of this to anyone apart from his therapist. His pulse quickened again, having not completely returning to normal from Olivia's admission.

Olivia shifted beside him to put her own cup on the coffee table before leaning back, this time her body angled towards him so she could focus on his face and be able to get a better read on him. "She came out of nowhere Elliot," Olivia insisted gently. "There was nothing to suggest that she was going to pull a gun and start shooting."

Logically, Elliot knew she was right. In the thousand times he had replayed the scene in his head Elliot hadn't been able to detect any inclination of what Jenna had intended to do. It still felt wrong. They were supposed to protect Jenna and her mother and they had failed.

There had been no other option, Jenna had turned the gun on innocent bystanders, and her arm first aiming at Sister Peg, next in line had been Olivia. He had to act quickly hoping to stop her before her finger squeezed the trigger again. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion as he pulled his weapon, aimed at her arm and fired, but she twisted and the bullet landed in her chest. He hadn't left just because of Jenna. Shooting her had broken him, but she wasn't the only reason.

Elliot shut his eyes against the images. He hadn't spoken about the shooting for a while. He wasn't sure if he could do it now, not so soon after Olivia's revelations had stirred so many emotions in him. Acutely aware of Olivia's penetrating gaze, he could imagine her thoughtful concern clouding her features, not judging, empathising not sympathising. He could smell her perfume, a blend of honey and vanilla.

He felt caged in. His hand tightened its' grip on the other, strong enough to leave marks. He was fighting the urge to pace and lash out. An impulse he had given into on so many occasions, either physically or verbally. He felt his control slipping, and he didn't want to upset or worry Olivia more than she already was. Pushing himself from the sofa he gave into the impulse to pace the short distance to the window. He breathed in the fresh air, grateful she had told him to leave it open, before turning and leaning against the window sill, folding his arms over his chest. The breeze still brushed against the side of his neck, soothing him a little.

Elliot kept his eyes fixed on a spot on the carpet. He knew that Olivia was waiting for him to continue, he felt her eyes following as he had risen off the sofa. Olivia put aside all of her fears and the hurt he had caused her, shown her trust in him by sharing her private thoughts. He felt unworthy of her faith in him. She had been brave enough to tell him about Lewis, she deserved him to be honest. They deserved honesty. He wasn't sure she was ready for this.

"It wasn't just about Jenna," Elliot admitted quietly raising his eyes to meet her confused expression. He hated himself when she tried to hide her anguish when her face fell, her eyes dropping to her hands, and he knew she assumed she had done something to cause his years of silence. "Things were getting complicated again," he told her.

Olivia's eyes sprang to his, widening as he used the reason she had all those years ago. Neither of them had been brave enough to confront what 'complicated' meant for them, and Elliot had chosen to reluctantly accept her decision out of fear of losing her completely. He hoped she wouldn't flee again after his explanation. Searching her face as she looked back at him Elliot could still see that same fear and apprehension coupled with something he wasn't ready to identify. Olivia said nothing instead she drew a shaky breath, silently imploring him to break their cycle.

"You had lost Calvin," he started, trying to sound more confident than he felt. "Then Sonia died." Elliot stopped when Olivia looked away briefly, wiping at the corner of her eye. In that last year, their bond deepened slowly and he had given into it without realising.

"I hadn't figured out how to tell you that Kathy and I were filing for divorce, how could I tell you that I was leaving?"

Olivia turned back to him sharply. "You were filing before you left?" She clarified. Elliot held her gaze and nodded. He could see the hurt he had caused from his inability to confide in her. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Elliot shrugged. "You would have talked me out of it," he told her. She blinked again, opening her mouth as if she was going to tell him otherwise. He beat her to it, cutting off her disagreement before she could voice it. "Liv, you fought harder for my marriage than I did."

Again she looked like she was going to refute his claim but she didn't. On numerous occasions Olivia had been the voice of reason between him and Kathy, smoothing things over when he pissed her off, actually stopping Kathy from leaving a few times. Her gaze dropped to his now bare finger. The ring he used to wear had been like a barrier between them, neither of them willing to cross it.

Olivia found her voice. "You said you didn't sign the papers till a year after you left."

"Kathy put it on hold because I was still in shock," Elliot explained. "She wanted me to have some stability while I was getting help. If I slept at all, it was on the sofa," he added. "Once I was past the worst of it, we signed the papers and I moved out the following month." He took a deep breath. "I think Kathy and I are better because of that year. We talked honestly, I think we were too exhausted to fight, and we became friends. We figured out that we work better as friends; we were too hormonal to be friends before we got married."

Olivia stared at him. "Does Kathy know that we've been talking?"

"She encouraged me to do it," Elliot nodded watching Olivia's reaction, knowing she would be as shocked as he had been. Kathy's new acceptance of his connection with Olivia had startled him the most. He tried to hide it when he they were married, but she had seen it, been scared of it. Kathy was the one who brought the subject up, she didn't blame either of them. She understood it had been born out of the high risk situations they were in day after day, something she couldn't begin to comprehend.

Slowly the shock slipped away to acceptance and Olivia's head bobbed slightly. "I get that you wanted to leave the job, but it still doesn't explain why you left me too."

"I was a mess. At the time I couldn't face you because I was ashamed that I had given up. I had no idea how to tell you I was ashamed that I was more relieved that you were alive than I regretted shooting a teenage girl. It broke me," he breathed out. He felt the tears on his cheeks before he realised he had shed them, he wiped them away hastily.

Olivia wiped her own tears away. She looked so fragile sitting there, and Elliot wanted to reach out to her, but he knew it would have been a bad idea. Physical comfort between had been rare, changing that when they were both so raw with emotion would be a bad idea.

"I left without saying goodbye-"

"Because things were complicated," she finished for him with a small understanding smile.

He nodded. "It would have been easy to confide in you, but I couldn't talk to knowing that I wouldn't see you every day. I missed you."

"I miss you too." Her eyes were unreadable as they travelled over his form.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you," Elliot said unfolding his arms when he felt damp fabric on his shoulder. He had no idea when it had started raining, but the side of his sleeve was wet. He reached out to shut the window, her eyes followed the action but she didn't say anything to stop him.

"The worst part was I knew you were hurting too," Olivia admitted. "I felt helpless when you didn't return my calls. I just wanted to speak to you."

If Elliot had been braver four years ago, Olivia would have been his anchor. He would have gone to her, and she would have said the right thing and made him feel better. She would have understood, like she always did. "I have no idea how to make this up to you."

"You're doing a pretty good job," Olivia assured him.

Elliot studied her. She was still cautious, but the wall she erected around her heart was beginning to fade. This was new territory for them. They weren't partners. There was no badge, no wedding band between them anymore. They were going to have to rebuild their relationship from the beginning.

"I just have no idea where you fit into my life anymore," Olivia admitted.

"We'll have to figure it out," he replied. Elliot knew Olivia would be more comfortable if she continued to dictate how their relationship proceeded. There was still a long way to go. The confessions they exchanged gave him hope that she wasn't going to tell him to walk away. Elliot would take whatever she was willing to give.

"We can figure it out together," Olivia promised.


	7. Chapter 7

Reconciliation – chapter seven

'_Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and __watch__ and work: you don't give up.__' _

_Anne Lamott_

It was almost a week later when Olivia found herself on the roof of the precinct. She hadn't been up here for a while and she felt like she needed the air. So after a fairly quiet day, the case they caught being wrapped quickly, she retreated up the stairs and watched the sun as it lowered over the horizon.

Her back was pressed against a vent stack and her cup of coffee sat beside her, growing colder by the minute. The temperature had dropped with the dwindling sun, but it wasn't cold. The air felt refreshing after being stuck in the squad room doing paperwork all day. While she liked being the acting commanding officer, she missed being out in the field.

Olivia lifted her cup and sipped at the lukewarm liquid. She had felt Amanda's stare all day, and Nick was still giving her the cold shoulder. And it seemed like Fin was keeping the peace between them all. She hated that he was being putting in the middle. She hated that neither Nick nor Amanda felt like they couldn't talk to her.

The metal door creaked open and she heard footfalls approaching. Olivia smiled slightly as she looked over her shoulder to see Fin approaching her with two paper cups in his hands. His neutral expression turned into a strained one and he groaned as he hunkered down next to her. He held out a new cup out to her.

"Thank you," Olivia said as she accepted it and placed the old one back on the ground.

"No problem," Fin replied as he sipped his own coffee and looked out over the city.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to the sounds drifting up from the streets below. She already knew what he was going to talk to her about, and he was treating her with kid gloves just like everyone else had for the past year.

"Come on Fin, out with it," she prodded.

"There's talk of an intervention," he told her.

Olivia's brow's rose as she turned to find his gaze on her. She sighed when she saw the humour in his eyes. "I wish they would just ask me whatever they want to know."

It was Fins' turn to sigh. "They're worried, and they have a right to be 'specially after the last year. They just want to make sure you're okay with El being back in your life after the way he left."

"And what about you? What do you think?"

Fin shrugged. "I can understand why El left, can't forgive how he did it though. Never thought he'd do that to you."

Olivia nodded. She knew Fin was right, and they deserved an explanation. "So you drew the short straw to talk to me," she stated rather than questioned.

His chest puffed a little but he shook his head. "Nah, I volunteered," Fin smiled. "Like I said it was this or an intervention."

Olivia shook her head as she heard the underlying seriousness in his joking. "What do they want to know?"

Fin leaned in conspiratorially. "Well, Amanda thinks you may be dating him."

Olivia felt his eyes on her as she rolled her eyes, but didn't answer, instead she asked, "And Nick?"

He was a bit more cautious, more serious. "He wants to know why you let El back in, he doesn't get it."

"Do you get it?" This time she watched him as he paused over his answer. After a moment he slowly nodded.

"Yeah, but then I was there for eleven out of the twelve years you guys worked together. I know you both well enough to know when to duck and cover," he smiled briefly when she let out a small laugh. "Seriously though, I'm more worried about how you're dealing with El being back in your life."

Olivia contemplated the brotherly tone in his voice as well as the concern. "We're trying to figure out where we fit into each other's lives right now," she told him after a long pause. "We're not really sure anymore."

When Olivia had left Elliot's apartment a week ago, it felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. But then the confusion had set in, and she knew Elliot was feeling the same because neither of them was brave enough to bring it up again. Two days later he had shown up at her place with take out and she couldn't help but feel slightly awkward as they sat side by side watching some old movie which she couldn't remember the name of.

She felt better that Elliot knew what had happened with Lewis, it was a relief not to having it hanging over every conversation they had. But now there was a limbo as they reintroduced themselves into the other's life.

Olivia was brought back to the present as Fin lifted his cup to his lips and took a long drag from it. He had yet to say anything about her reunion with Elliot, but she knew he had an opinion which he was reluctant to share with her.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked, hoping he would be honest with her.

Fin shrugged his gaze fixed on the horizon as he placed his cup on the other side of him. He was bidding time, Olivia realised and she wondered if everyone thought she made a mistake by letting Elliot back into her life. She knew they were protecting her from Elliot. For some reason that realisation was a surprise to her.

"I'm thinking that for the first time in sixteen years there's nothing standing between you, no wedding ring, and no fraternisation regs."

Olivia's head hit the wall behind her in frustration. "You're siding with Amanda?" She groaned as she tilted her head to look at him.

"No, I'm siding with you," Fin assured her. "How are you dealing with all of this?" He asked again as he concentrated on her reaction, looking to see if she faltered.

"It was hard seeing him that first time," Olivia admitted. "I had no idea whether to hug him or hit him, so I did both."

Fin's body shook with quiet laughter. "I heard. Someone needed to knock some sense into him."

"I'm glad it wasn't Nick," Olivia commented, she paused. "I'm doing better than I was with it," she confessed.

"You guys talk about why he didn't say goodbye?"

Olivia nodded uncomfortably. "Yeah," she cautiously looked him over. "Do you think I did the right thing by inviting him back into my life?"

"When I came and found you talking to Kathleen I knew there wasn't a chance you wouldn't ask him to come back."

"That's not answering the question," she replied, folding her arms around her torso.

"I think you did the right thing Liv," Fin told her gently. There was a pause and she waited for the 'but'. "But it's not my opinion that matters; do you think you did the right thing? 'Cause it sounds like you're having second thoughts."

"I want him in my life," Olivia cringed inwardly at the slightly needy tone to her voice. She didn't want Elliot to leave again, she was certain of it. "And your opinion matters, it's nice to know someone agrees with me."

Fin's shoulder nudged hers and he flashed a smile at her. "Eleven out of twelve," he reminded her. "Though I'm with Nick and Amanda when it comes to making sure he doesn't hurt you again."

"You really think Elliot would intentionally hurt me?"

"I think he's only one who can break your heart," Fin told her reluctantly. He didn't wait for her to ask him to explain. "Nobody gets you riled up like Elliot does, unintentionally or not; he's under your skin. Now I know he's always gonna have a place in your life, just like you do in his, but I can see it's been troubling you."

Olivia breathed out through her nose. "It was bothering me," she admitted. "Because I was fighting against letting him back in."

"I don't think you ever let him go completely because you didn't get the chance to say goodbye. And that's on him," Fin added tensely.

"No it's not Fin," Olivia shook her head. "I wouldn't have been able to say goodbye to him either, I would never have turned him away."

Fin nodded sympathetically at her. "I get that."

"Thanks." Olivia eyed Fin, wondering if she should bring up the other thing that been bothering her, he wouldn't judge her for it. "It feels like everyone is watching me, waiting for me to crack." Her tongue touched her lips to moisten them. "Elliot hasn't done that, he's just been there. I knew he would listen, and he has, but he didn't expect me to talk. I know you're all doing it because you care, and some of the time you probably don't realise you're doing it, but it's making me feel worse than I actually do."

"I'm sorry, we're worried. With what Lewis-"

"William Lewis is dead," Olivia cut in. "I saw his body in the morgue. He can't hurt anybody anymore. We need to stop letting him control how we look at one another, because then he's won. And I won't let him do that to this Unit."

Fin eyed her for a beat, unfazed by her outburst. He studied her, trying to figure out if she was putting on a front. Olivia's heart beat froze as she expected him to shake his head and refuse to believe her, but he slowly nodded, pride showing in his eyes.

"Good." He seemed to ponder something else. "Alright, so Elliot's back in."

"Yeah," she said sheepishly after recovering from swift change in topic. Her eyes drift to the open stairwell, thinking of her other unit members. "They're going to need some convincing."

Fin followed her gaze. "It's going to take 'em a while, they never met him before. They don't know what it's like between the two of you. For all they know he's a prick who left you without a word four years ago."

Olivia stared mutely at him for a moment. They really had a bad impression of Elliot, and it would be a lot of work to convince them otherwise. "He didn't expect to leave. The first time I saw him after Kathleen, I was tempted to tell him to walk away. And he would have. I couldn't bring myself to do it."

"Then you both gotta prove to them that he's here to stay, and you're happy about it, 'cause at the moment all they see is you getting stressed and they think he's the cause of it," Fin told her gently. "But you're both bull headed and stubborn enough to do it, it's why you get along so well," he added with a teasing smile.

Olivia rolled her eyes at him. "You know there was a time when people didn't insult their CO's," she laughed.

"Aw, I know you to well enough to know you won't hold it against me, besides it's true," Fin shrugged. "And at the moment, I'm not talking to you as my CO; I'm talking to you as a friend." He sighed. "Work at it, because you and Elliot mean too much to each other not to."

Olivia felt her eyes welling at the sincerity she heard in his voice. She turned away from him to look out over the now dark city so he wouldn't see her tears. "Thank you," she told him quietly.

"Eleven out of twelve," he replied just as quietly.

The shrill ring of Olivia's phone cut through the silence and she reached into her pocket to grab it. "Benson," Olivia answered, her eyes watching Fin's face as he looked at something on an adjacent building. "Okay, we're on it," she replied after listening to the details being relayed by the dispatch operator. Hanging up, she started to stand. "Come on, we got a vic at Mercy."

**Author note – I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has reviewed and added the story to their favourite and following lists. The response has been truly amazing. I would love to read any comments you have, so if you have a few moments to spare let me know. **


	8. Chapter 8

Reconciliation – chapter eight

'_Reconciliation, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed __truce__ for the purpose of digging up the dead.__'_

_Ambrose Bierce_

Nick walked into the dimly lit bar, scanning the place and his gaze fell on the person he had come to meet. Tensing when the other man looked back at him calmly, he walked to the booth which his predecessor had chosen to find him cradling a beer in his hand and another bottle sitting in front of where he expected Nick to sit.

Nick scoffed lightly, unable to stop his defiant gesture. "You think it's good idea to add alcohol to this conversation?" He asked sarcastically as he sat opposite Elliot.

"Figured it couldn't hurt," Elliot replied. "Thanks for meeting me."

"I have no idea why I agreed to it," he said picking up the bottle, the brand he usually drank he noted, and took a long gulp from it. "No idea why you want to talk to me."

Nick could see the small spark of amusement in the other man's eyes as he replied. "I think you have a pretty good idea. Liv wouldn't have put up with you for this long if you weren't good at your job."

Nick shook his head in disbelief. He had been a state of confusion since he'd answered the phone to Elliot a few hours before. "You really want to do this?" He asked, not sure if he would be able to control his temper at whatever Elliot had to say.

"Honestly I don't care what you think of me," Elliot said as he sat up a little straighter. "But for Liv's sake I think we," he gestured between them. "Need to clear the air."

Nick's eyebrows shot up. "For Liv's sake?"

"We both care about her," Elliot nodded, ignoring the incredulity in Nicks' voice. "She hasn't said anything but it's getting to her."

"She was doing fine till you came back," Nick accused him. He waited for the reaction he wanted, thinking it would make him feel better, but he couldn't help the strange sense of sympathy that came over him when Elliot winced.

The wince was short lived and Elliot recovered from it with a determined glint in his eye. "I'm doing this for her, if she wants me to go. I will," Elliot paused finding the words difficult to say. "You've got questions; I'm giving you a chance to ask them."

Nick shook his head, taking another sip of his beer. "What Liv does in her private life is her business, what's it got to do with me?"

"Because if our places were switched, I'd have questions."

Nick frowned. He remembered the rumours he heard about Elliot when he first joined the unit, determined, hot headed, bad tempered and confrontational. Nick had never put much faith in rumours. There was something more resigned about the man before him, almost like he had given up.

Nick was still weary of him. He'd abandoned someone who had come to mean a lot to him, a valued friend and ally. Nick may have only known her a few years, but he couldn't imagine shutting Olivia out of his life. He had no idea how Elliot had done it after twelve, especially with how close they supposedly were. Nick didn't know how he could be so cold and distant to someone who obviously cared about him so much. Olivia had kept him at arm's length for months after they started working together, her anger covering up the pain she felt towards her old partner, who was now sitting across from him.

Nick was definitely curious. He had no idea how Olivia accepted him back into her life, expose herself to that anguish again. She was his partner and the protectiveness he felt towards her was heightened with the turmoil of the last year. Nick admired the strength she had shown throughout the whole ordeal and since William Lewis had died. It was only in the recent weeks that he had seen any signs of distress, which he attributed to Elliot's resurfacing.

"I have a question," Nick admitted as he fiddled with the label on his bottle where it had become damp from the condensation. "How?" He didn't need to finish the question; they both knew what he was asking.

Their eyes connected in a staring contest and he saw Elliot's demeanour cloud over and Nick wondered if he was rethinking his decision. This would be the only chance Nick gave him, if he blew it then that would be it.

"It was hard," Elliot said as the determination returned, apparently he remembered his motivation for being here. "I shot a child, she was the daughter of a victim who was murdered before her attacker's trial was about to start. IAB were breathing down my neck," he started to explain.

Nick could empathise; he understood the feeling of that pressure and the support of his colleagues got him through it. He remained silent; Elliot needed to do more explaining than the background facts.

"My head was all over the place and I didn't want to drag Liv into Tucker's line of fire. At the time I thought after it all blew over I would ring her to explain," he gave a self-depreciating shake of his head, his eyes landing on a bead of condensation as it travelled the length of his bottle. "Then I gave in my papers and I realised how badly I messed up, I'd abandoned her. And that's something you don't do to Liv. I was a coward because I knew how much I had hurt her, I couldn't face her and see that look in her eyes. I had," Elliot refocused on Nick. "I have no idea how to make that up to her."

"What's changed? Why did you come back after all this time?"

"Because I miss her," Elliot told him simply, his fingers tapping on the glass of the bottle in front of him. "I've thought about her every day, her smile, her laugh, her ability to say the right thing. She crept up on me, you know?" Elliot shook his head. All of a sudden he moved his hand away and his fist snapped shut. "I will never forget when my daughter, Kathleen, told me that Liv had been taken. It felt like everything was standing still, my heart stopped, I couldn't breathe. I felt like that the entire time till Kathleen told me you'd found her. Fin said you did everything to get to her," Elliot said and Nick could see the unspoken gratitude in his eyes.

"She's my partner," Nick replied as if it explained everything. He knew it would to Elliot. He had a feeling Elliot would have done what he had. Elliot appraised him for a moment and gave a small nod of approval. "That doesn't explain why you've left it so long, he took her nearly a year ago."

"Olivia needed time to deal with what he did to her, she needed time to heal. The last thing she needed to do was to deal with any more upheaval. After Lewis killed himself, my daughter wanted to see Olivia, she asked me to come with her and I wanted too. Just to hear Liv's voice, look at her with my own eyes but I was scared she was going to tell me to go to hell. She asked me to come," Elliot seemed shocked as he said it, as if he couldn't comprehend it.

Nick brow knotted together as it started to fall into place in his mind. Olivia wanted Elliot back. Somewhere in the back of his mind he'd always known that. He'd made his own initial assumptions about their relationship. In the years they worked together he'd never seen her like he had when they first started working together. Olivia was lost in those first few months, refusing to let him in, refusing to accept him as her partner. She cared about Elliot, that much was obvious, and Nick thought it ran deeper than normal partners. She had been devastated by the man before him. Nick never considered that Elliot would have been just as devastated by the separation.

"Just because Liv accepted you back into her life, it doesn't mean that I will," Nick found himself saying. He knew he was being over protective, and Olivia wouldn't appreciate it, but he never wanted to see that hurt on her face ever again. He couldn't watch him break her heart again.

Instead of riling Elliot by overstepping his bounds, Nick saw the beginnings of a knowing smile on Elliot's face. "Don't stop thinking like that, don't stop protecting her," Elliot implored. "No matter how much strong she is, no matter how independent she is she needs that. I never wanted to leave her, and I don't plan on doing it again. I know you think I'm an ass, and that's probably never going to change because I am one."

Nick huffed out a short laugh. "Why did you ask me to meet you? Why does it matter to you so much?"

"It doesn't, but it does to Liv," Elliot explained. "It matters to her because she cares about both of us. I don't care how you treat me, but don't take it out on Liv. This isn't her fault."

Nick slumped and his gaze dropped guiltily to the table. Because he hadn't been able to wrap his mind around their reunion he'd avoided her. Part of him respected Elliot for making the effort to come to him and explain personally. Nick was able to see a bit of himself reflected in Elliot. Nick may be Olivia's partner but Elliot was more entitled to the label than he was. Elliot was asking him for a second chance. Nick only had one choice; Olivia wanted Elliot in her life. As her partner he would be there to back her up.

"You got one chance," Nick said as he raised his eyes to Elliot's. "Don't break her heart again."

Elliot nodded slowly, accepting the silent threat. He raised his bottle in the air and Nick did the same with his and glass touched glass as they sealed their promise. Withdrawing his bottle Nick brought it to his mouth and sipped.

"You know we can never tell her about this conversation," Elliot said raising his bottle to his lips.

Nick coughed and sputtered around the beer. Elliot smirked and reached out to grab some napkins from the dispenser in the middle of the table. Nick accepted them when he handed them over, wiping his mouth and nodded in agreement. "Never," he confirmed. "She'd tell us both to go to hell."

**Author note – I am completely astounded at how much you're all enjoying the story, especially the last chapter. I loved writing that scene between Olivia and Fin, and in the episodes that I have watched I enjoy their interaction second only to that between Elliot and Olivia. I was so happy that you all think it was true to their relationship. So what did you think of this chapter? If you have the time, I would love to read any thoughts you have on it.**


	9. Chapter 9

Reconciliation – chapter nine

'_Yes__ you are forgiven, come back to me and we can start all over again... But one thing is for sure, after you broke me I'm not the same person that you hurt before...__' -_****_Jaymie Gassner _

Olivia moved backwards from the squad room, watching the others going about the tasks she had asked them to do before turning to walk into her office. She pulled her phone out of her pocket. Scrolling through her contacts she found Elliot's information and pressed connect before pressing the phone to her ear. She paced slowly in front of her desk as she listened to the ringing, waiting for him to pick up. Part of her wanted it to go to voicemail. But it didn't.

"Stabler," Elliot answered.

"Hi," Olivia replied nervously.

"You caught a case, didn't you?" He asked. She could picture him in her head, smirk playing on his lips, eyes twinkling, phone held up to his ear.

"Yeah," Olivia sighed in disappointment. They had plans to meet for dinner, and she had been looking forward to seeing him. Elliot had been back in her life for nearly four months and it was getting easier between them. The awkwardness between them was dissipating a little more every time they met, either for dinner or drinks or just talking on the phone as they began rebuilding their friendship. "Rain check?"

"Of course," he answered sounding as disappointed as she did. "You okay? You sound tired."

"I'm fine," she automatically responded. Silence reigned for a moment and she knew he was rolling his eyes at her over used answer. Olivia tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. "Really Elliot," she assured, a soft smile gracing her lips. "It's been a long day and I'm looking at a longer night."

He understood she knew he did. They had been in the same predicament hundreds of times. "Bad?" He asked referring to the case.

"Aren't they all?"

"Yeah," Elliot replied, his concern sounding through his voice. Silence passed between them for another beat. She could sense his hesitation and heard him expel a deep breath. "I, uh, didn't mean to overstep…"

Olivia paused her pacing and her teeth gnawed at the inside of her lower lip. He was worried about her. She was bothered by the case they had caught earlier that day, but not enough to talk about it. Though she wasn't keeping him at arm's length any more, it was the first time he asked her to talk, his voice slipping to the one he used to use when they confided in one another while they worked through a particularly gruesome case. The slip had been accidental and he was just asking, but he assumed she thought he was pushing. She knew he wasn't and wanted to offer him something to prove she understood that.

"You're not Elliot," she started, recovering. "I'm okay, just tired. I'll grab an hour in the crib if I get the chance," Olivia promised. "I'm sorry about dinner."

"Me too. I'll let you get back to the case," he said accepting the subject was effectively dropped. "Call me about rescheduling."

His order was soft and gentle, but she could hear the uncertainty. How had the new found comfortable friendship they had been forging turned around so quickly? At the first sign of his concern for her well-being, she unintentionally balked. He'd misinterpreted her assurance as denial and was trying to give her the distance she had requested when he first re-entered her life.

There was a quiet knock at her door and she glanced up to see Amanda standing there expectantly. When she saw that Olivia was on the phone she swivelled her body sideways to look out at the squad room to offer some privacy.

"I gotta go El, I'll call you when I can to reschedule," she said quietly into the phone as she watched Amanda whose head twitched when she heard El's name was mentioned.

"I talk to you later," he said more confidently than before. "Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Stay safe," he replied gently.

"I will," she said with an eye roll and a small smile. She was surprised when she heard his laughter in her ear.

"I heard that eye roll," Elliot explained.

"Talk to you later," Olivia replied, refusing to indulge him by laughing.

"Bye," Elliot said shutting off his phone.

Olivia disconnected her own phone and turned her attention to Amanda, who was already entering the office. She looked uneasily between Olivia and the phone she was pocketing. Olivia sighed. There had been a thawing of sorts with her colleagues since her talk with Fin and they no longer looked at her as though she was about to break. Nick had stopped avoiding her, but Amanda was still cautious.

"What have you got Amanda?" Olivia asked. Part of her wanted Amanda to ask the questions that were evident in her expression, but she wouldn't offer the information voluntarily.

Amanda straightened as she lifted the folder in her hand. "I ran the MO through VICAP, and came up with a few matches. Couple in Baltimore, a few in DC, I'm waiting for the lead detectives from those cases to get back to me."

Olivia held out her hand for the folder, reading the contents when Amanda handed it over. "Good work," she said as she continued to read the results of Amanda's search. "Can you go over the victim's statement again? There are small inconsistencies between these. If this is the same perp, his rage may be escalating, but we need to be sure."

Amanda nodded as she accepted the file back. "Of course," she drawled.

Olivia turned to her desk to grab the folder which held a copy of the photographs of the crime scenes and the victim's injuries. She opened the folder and was studying the first image when she noticed out of the corner of her eye that Amanda was still hovering in the office doorway, watching her. Olivia glanced over her shoulder, making eye contact. "Everything okay?"

Amanda nodded her head at the pocket where Olivia put her phone. "You guys had plans?" she asked.

"We were supposed to have dinner tonight," Olivia explained as she faced Amanda. The tiniest of winces flashed in Amanda's eyes. "What's wrong Amanda?" She asked stiffly.

Amanda looked guilty as she glanced away. "Nothing, I'm glad you've been able to reconnect with him." She looked through the window into the squad room nervously, seeing everyone else engrossed in chasing the dismal leads they had she pushed the door closed.

Olivia knew she was lying and braced herself as she waited for the questions Amanda was gathering the courage to ask. Amanda stepped further into the room, coming to a stop just in front of Olivia's desk. "Do you remember when we started working together?" She asked but she didn't wait for Olivia to reply before elaborating. "I asked you how you still trusted men after being in this Unit for so long, seeing what we see day after day."

Olivia's brow rose in concern as she remembered the incident. She nodded and allowed to Amanda to continue. "You said you trusted your old partner," the blonde paused as if she was wondering how to continue. "He was the reason you believed some men could still be trusted," she shook her head in disbelief, gaining confidence with each word. "I didn't understand how you could after he left you like that," she said delicately. "We see so many women who go back to the guy who is treating them like crap, I never thought you…"

"Woah, stop there Amanda," she said stepping forward, holding up a hand to stop her train of thought. "Do you trust Nick and Fin?" She asked pointing at their colleagues who were huddled over Fin's computer in the squad room.

Amanda followed her hand, looking at the two men. She nodded slowly, her hands rose to rest on her hips. After a moment she turned to face Olivia again who saw a flash of understanding at the point she was trying to make. "With my life," Amanda agreed with an incline of her head.

Olivia sighed. "Elliot was my partner for nearly thirteen years, proving to me every day that he could be trusted." Olivia swallowed. "It hurt when he left, but I trusted him. He's a good man Amanda; he just couldn't do this job anymore."

Amanda shook her head, taking a step forward. "That doesn't excuse the fact that he shut you out of his life."

Olivia expelled a deep breath, her pulse was quickening and she didn't want to fight with Amanda. They were in the middle of a case and she didn't want them to lose focus, they needed to remain calm. She allowed herself a moment to regain control of her heart beat, and focus her thoughts. She wanted to defend Elliot, but she couldn't deny she had the same thoughts Amanda had; she still had them up till a few months ago.

"My relationship with Elliot was, is," Olivia paused as she tried to find the right word. "Complicated." Amanda's eye brows rose as she drew her own conclusion from the description, unprepared for Olivia being open with her. Olivia shook her head before Amanda could voice her suspicions. "Not like that, we were never…"

Amanda looked at her in disbelief. Olivia closed her eyes briefly, trying to keep calm. "Have you ever known anyone who understands you better than you understand yourself?" She asked reopening her eyes. Amanda shook her head. "It's scary," Olivia admitted. She could feel the tears prickling, but she held them at bay, wondering how she hadn't noticed her eyes watering.

"Someone who knows what you're thinking, what you're going to do before you do. In this job, that kind of connection, it gets intense." Olivia shook her head lightly to clear it. "And there were times when I ran from it. But it works both ways. Part of that connection was tethering us to the job. He needed help, if he stayed in the job he wouldn't have gotten it. He would have stayed for me."

"Do you still trust him?" Amanda asked.

"With my life," Olivia replied without hesitation.

"What about with your heart?"

Olivia paused, thrown by the soft, concerned tone to Amanda's voice. "We're working on it," Olivia confessed quietly.

Amanda contemplated Olivia for a long moment before eventually nodded slowly. "I'm glad that you are, really I am," Amanda shrugged. "Because I don't think I could."

"It's been hard. We're trying not to fall back into old habits."

"You're trying not to be as close as you were before, trying not to be hurt," Amanda surmised and when Olivia said nothing to deny her statement she continued sympathetically. "I don't think you can stop that from happening. You deserve to be happy. If you want him back in your life, then you should show him. But you hold yourself back. I get that, none of us want to see you hurting like you were before. But maybe you should give him a sign that you have a little faith in him to stay."

"I have faith in him."

"Then don't wait too long to reschedule. Show him that you're not gonna run again."

….

It was nearing five in the morning when Olivia was exiting the precinct. She needed some air and a break from the case, they had no new leads. Walking down the back steps, her hand found its' way into her pocket and pulled out her phone. Her thumb paused before typing her code to unlock it. He wouldn't be asleep; years of waking at the crack of dawn were ingrained in her, and knew it was the same for him. She tapped connect before she lost her nerve and held the phone to her ear.

One ring later he picked up. "Stabler?"

Her lips lifted slightly at the alert tone he used. "Hi, I was wondering if we could talk about rescheduling."

"Now?" He asked with a short laugh.

"I was wondering that as I couldn't make dinner, did you want to have breakfast instead?"

**Author Note – Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter, and to everyone who had added the story to their favourite and follow lists. I would to know what you thought of the chapter, so if you the time please let me know.**


	10. Chapter 10

Reconciliation – chapter ten

"_Sometimes__ I wish I could just turn back time. If only I had a chance to start over with you. Then, everything would be different...__"_****_Anne Dawn_

Instead of meeting him at a dinner for breakfast, Olivia picked up take out for them from a bakery five minutes from Elliot's apartment. Thirty minutes after hanging up the phone with him, Olivia knocked on his front door. He opened immediately, wearing sweats and a tee shirt that looked thrown on, smiling sleepily at her as he ushered her into the living room. She could smell the coffee brewing, and hear the sounds of the city coming through the cracked window. She hadn't been there since the night she had told him about Lewis, choosing to meet at her place or a bar. Her eyes drifted over the sofa, taking a step towards it before pausing.

"I have coffee, tea, or juice," Elliot said startling Olivia from her falter.

She looked over her shoulder at him, seeing he was closer than she thought. "Juice please," she told him. He gave her a quizzical smirk before turning towards the kitchen to retrieve the juice for her and a coffee for him. Olivia glanced back at the sofa before turning to perch herself on one of the stools at the breakfast bar.

Olivia watched him with his back to her as he added the right amount of milk and sugar to his cup. She must have watched him making coffee hundreds of times before, but the movement of his muscles under his shirt fascinated her. She supposed it could be the fatigue. The tapping of the spoon against the side of the cup brought her out of her reverie. Elliot turned around to face her with the same smile on his face as he sat the drinks in front of her before reaching out to the plates he already had on the bar and placing one by each drink. She put the bag she held in her hand on the bar and opened it to reveal the pastries she brought.

Elliot came around the bar and sat on the other stool, swivelling his body to face her. They ate in comfortable silence, stealing glances at one another between bites. After finishing her breakfast Olivia pushed her plate away and picked up her glass of juice to sip it as she met Elliot's gaze. He still looked slightly amused as she held the glass to her lips a beat longer than necessary. She swallowed the juice and replaced the glass to the side of her plate.

"What?" She asked with a small smile.

"I thought with being up all night you would've wanted coffee," he explained.

Olivia shook her head as she let out a small laugh. "I've had coffee all night. Nick is Munch's protégé when it comes to making the pot."

"No wonder you don't need any more caffeine," Elliot replied. "So when are you heading back?"

She cocked an eyebrow in response. "Are you trying to get rid of me?"

Elliot shook his head. "No, just wondering how much longer I've got your company for." Elliot glanced at his watch. "It's a little after six in the morning, I've still got nearly three hours till I have to go to Queens to pick up Eli and bring him back to the City for his soccer tournament in Central Park," he looked her up and down.

"I'm sorry for waking you up so early," she said guiltily.

Elliot shook his head. "It's okay, I wasn't really asleep." He paused, studying her face for a moment. "I'm sorry for over stepping last night, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

Their eyes locked and they silently urged the other not to flee. Trying to create some distance without leaving Olivia swivelled in her chair, her elbows coming to rest on the bar, her hands clasping together. "You didn't. I know you were only asking because you were concerned for me. You weren't pushing me."

Elliot contemplated her for a long moment, trying to find the right words, cautious and unsure. She could see the doubt, and it wasn't just about him. It was about her too. He was worried about her reaction. He had kept his promise of letting her open up to him when she was ready, but as they had spent more time together over the last few months his control over his concern was slipping, he was getting impatient with holding back. But he was scared of showing it, Olivia realised.

"I'm not really sure where the lines are anymore," Elliot said calmly, albeit carefully.

Olivia leaned forward over the table while maintaining eye contact with Elliot. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm not either," she replied honestly.

"The rules are different."

Olivia nodded slowly, looking away briefly as his cerulean gaze became too intense for her. "Elliot I asked you for space because I was confused, I needed time to figure out how I felt about you being back in my life." Elliot stared back at her, his guilt showing. Olivia fought to ignore the empathy that flared within her but she failed and her body sagged slightly as she tapped her palms lightly three times on the table. "I never needed anyone in my entire life. I never let anyone get close to me," Olivia swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat. She clasped her hands together again, tapping together on the work top nervously, her eyes dropping to them as she gave a short laugh. "But somehow I let you in without even realising," she breathed out. It was in ensuing silence that she raised her eyes cautiously to gage his reaction.

Her breath caught as he held her gaze, studying her to judge how to respond to her statement. Without breaking eye contact, Elliot moved a hand to cover hers, stilling their nervous movement. Olivia's body tensed but she didn't remove her hands from under his. The physical contact was new, but there was something familiar about it. His muscular hand was heavy on top of hers, the feel of his strength comforting. He wasn't holding her there; she could have slipped her hand out if she wanted to. After he was sure she wasn't pulling away, he curled his fingers around hers reassuringly.

"It snuck up on both of us," Elliot told her gently.

After another beat of silence, Olivia's hands let go of one another and one turned up wards to wrap around Elliot's warm one. He reacted immediately and his thumb stroked along the back of her fingers, warming them.

"It scares me." Her confession was almost a whisper. "It scares me that I can't keep my guard up around you. I asked you to give me time so I would be able to have more control over it, so I could stop it from happening again."

"Did it work?" Elliot asked.

Olivia shook her head in response. "There are times when I wish you let me go years ago, even before you left." Olivia held her breath as she uttered the words, expecting his hand to slip away, waiting for him to retreat. He didn't.

Instead Elliot tightened his hold on her hand and his brow creased momentarily before asking, "Do you still feel that way?"

Their eyes remained locked in a stand-off for what seemed like minutes. He was as scared of her answer as she was, worried that she would tell him to walk away. Olivia shook her head again, not trusting her voice.

"I wish I had been brave enough to come back to face you after I gave in my papers."

"I wanted you to," Olivia replied. "I missed you. I miss you, the old you."

"I'm right here Liv," Elliot said, a little confused.

Olivia shook her head. "No, I mean the stubborn, bull headed, angry partner who I worked with for twelve years," they both smiled sadly at one another. "I find your new found patience unsettling sometimes. It's hard to get a read on sometimes."

"I've been holding back," Elliot admitted with difficulty. "I'm second guessing everything that I say to you because I don't want you to get overwhelmed."

"I know," Olivia replied, squeezing his hand gently. "I appreciate that you've given me that space, I do."

"I want to start over with you but neither of us has the best track record of sticking around when we get scared."

Olivia almost closed her eyes against the intensity of his gaze. Amanda had been right; he wanted to know she wouldn't be running away again. "You hurt me when you left. I don't think anything is going to change that," she licked her lips quickly to moisten them. Elliot broke eye contact for the first time in their conversation and his thumb paused the rhythmic stroking on the back of her fingers, his body tensing but he waited for her to continue.

She moved her free hand to the side of his face, cupping the back of his head to turn him to face her once more. His head resisted at first but he relented and their eyes connected once again. She saw the fear, the guilt, and the apprehension. Her body swivelled on the stool and she leant closer to him.

"I also know despite that I still trust you, and nothing can change that either," Olivia told him. His eyes widened at her admission. "We can't change the past, Elliot. But we can learn from it."

"I don't want to lose you again," Elliot whispered.

"And I don't want to run anymore," Olivia confessed squeezing his hand gently.

He sighed and his body visibly relaxed as he twisted to face her completely, their knees brushing against one another's. Her arm moved as his shoulder nudged it but her hand remained where it was, cupping the side of his face and neck. Elliot glanced at it out of the corner of her eye but he didn't comment, instead his thumb resumed stroking the back of her fingers.

Olivia tilted her head to the side as she considered him. The flicker that flared inside of her wasn't new; she had felt it time and time again. Olivia had always been able to fight its pull. This time she found herself surrendering to it. She only realised they were both leaning forward when she felt Elliot's free hand brushing the outside of her knee. Her hand moved lower to his shoulder but neither of them stopped. Their noses grazed each other, and she could feel his breath mingling with hers, their lips about to touch when a shrill ring broke through the silence.

They sprung apart and both of the stools squeaked quietly with the speed with which they spun. Olivia breathed heavily as she realised the ringing was coming from her pocket and snatched her phone out in frustration. She breathed deeply again, refusing to look at Elliot as she calmed herself enough to answer whoever had unintentionally interrupted them. Without looking at the screen, she pressed connect.

"Benson," she said into the receiver. She looked up to see Elliot stand and pace further into the living room, his hand covering his mouth as he tried to process what had almost happened.

"Hey Liv," Amanda said into the phone. "We need you back at the house, we got a break."

"I'll be there soon," Olivia said more tensely than intended, and she hoped Amanda wouldn't pick up on it. Without waiting for her to reply Olivia hung up the phone. She stood as she replaced the phone in her pocket walking over to Elliot.

Hearing Olivia approach, he turned to her. She saw the uncertainty had returned to his eyes, and knew he expected her to retreat. She didn't want to do that anymore. Quickly she stepped into him and pressed her lips to his. The touch was fleeting and ended almost immediately as she pulled away. His head followed her but she stayed out of reach.

"Rain check," Olivia promised as she placed a hand on his chest, still feeling the lingering tingle on her lips.

His eyes darkened and dropped to her lips. She thought he would lean in again, she wouldn't have stopped him but he abided her command. "Rain check," he agreed with a small smile. "They need you," he reminded with a small nod to the door, unoffended by the intrusion. "We can continue this later."

This time he did lean in again bypassing her lips and pressing a chaste kiss to her cheek, his aftershave filling her senses. "I'll see you soon," Olivia promised, quelling the disappointment that flared as she backed away and out of his apartment.

**Author Note – Thank you all for the wonderful reviews on the last chapter. I'm still amazed by the reaction this story has created. I must admit this chapter had me stumped and it's been in my head all week, but refused to be written until today. I was feeling so frustrated this morning I had to go back and reread the comments from you to help me along, the encouragement helped so much and I was able to get this done. I would love to read any comments you have on this chapter, so if you have the time please review.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Author Note – thanks for all the encouraging reviews. This chapter was a bit easier for me to write, hence the quicker update, but I was uming and arhing over Kathy or Kathleen…I'm happy with my choice. Let me know if you are (or aren't).**

Reconciliation – chapter eleven

'_The__ fear about losing a loved one is the fear of change itself. Being used to one person, day after day, then to one day wake up all alone, a whole new day. Think of it as a chance to start over, to learn from the past and make a brand new beginning.__' Unknown_

He could still feel the ghostly touch of her lips on his. She had been quick and he had no time to react before she pulled away. He remembered being slack jawed from shock as Olivia stared back at him, her eyes giving nothing away. Elliot wanted to reach out and pull her to him. He wanted to find out what she tasted like. He wanted…

Kathleen's melodic laugh cut through his thoughts and he was bought back to the present. She mimicked his posture as they leant over the steel barriers at the side of the soccer tournament. Elliot felt the heat rising up his neck when he looked in her direction and saw her knowing smirk and the laughter in her eyes.

"What?" He asked.

She laughed again as she shook her head at his cluelessness. "How's it going with Olivia Dad?"

Elliot schooled his features, trying not to react as he wondered how she knew where his thoughts were. "Things are okay. Why'd you ask?"

Kathleen's eyes sparkled with amusement as she looked back at him. "Because you have your 'Olivia' face on," she said boldly.

Her honesty never ceased to amaze him, paling only in comparison to her confidence to say it. "My 'Olivia' face?" Elliot questioned.

"The one you get when you think about her, or talk about her," Kathleen explained as she shuffled sideways towards him and nudged his shoulder conspiratorially. She appraised him for a moment and her good natured teasing vanished, replaced by shy concern. "Things are good? I mean you haven't really talked about it."

Elliot could hear the apprehension in her voice, doubting whether or not she had made the right decision. After making the initial push for contact between himself and Olivia four months ago, Kathleen hadn't pushed him for details, letting them progress I their own time. "Things are good," he confirmed as he leant in a pressed a quick kiss on her hair line. "Because I have a certain daughter who likes to meddle."

When he withdrew Kathleen rolled her eyes at him. "Somebody had to," she defended. "Somebody had to make that first move."

"I was too scared to make it. Thank you for doing it."

"So I did the right thing?" She double checked.

He nodded, glancing over his shoulder when he heard the crowd start to cheer and saw a player from Eli's team running down the field and score a goal. Elliot smiled as he saw Eli jump in the air, his fist raised towards the sky as he celebrated his team mates' goal. Returning his attention back to Kathleen only to find her still watching him and replied, "You did the right thing."

"How are things going? Really?" Kathleen implored.

Elliot paused as the memory of the brief touch of Olivia's lips came back to him. His lips curved upwards of their own accord.

"That good, huh?" Kathleen's shoulder nudged him again when he didn't reply.

"I'm not talking about this with you," Elliot said self-consciously.

Kathleen faked indignation by holding a hand to her chest. "Oh come on Dad," she smiled. "I should be allowed to know the result of my well-meant meddling."

Elliot let out a throaty laugh at her dramatics. He was proud of the woman Kathleen had become. She was still the most out spoken of his children, but her brazen attitude had mellowed and she had grown up and matured into a wonderful woman. He knew that was partly down to Olivia's intervention, Kathleen never told him what had been done or said and neither had Olivia or his mother but it had worked. And Kathleen felt indebted to Olivia's intervention ever since. Elliot suspected her choice of career had been inspired by Olivia.

The worry Kathleen felt for his former partner and he during the time that Lewis held Olivia almost matched his own. Kathleen had been the only one of his children to reach out to him when he was beating himself up over the guilt he felt for not being there for Olivia. She was the only one brave enough to talk to him about it and sat holding his hand as he watched the investigation and man hunt progress on the news while Olivia was being held by Lewis.

"_I need to see that Olivia's okay. Do you want to come with me?" _

Elliot had been a coward and Kathleen had been stronger than he was. He was proud that all of his children were brave able to speak up for themselves. Sometimes he wished it wasn't directed at him, because it often serving to fuel his guilt for working long hours when the older ones were growing up. A mistake he was trying not to repeat with Eli.

Kathleen had put herself out there and encouraged him to reunite with Olivia, knowing they were both miserable with the lack of communication. She deserved him to be honest with her.

"We are adjusting to our relationship being different," he admitted quietly.

Kathleen sobered with his statement, contemplating it for a long moment before responding. "Things are never gonna be the same as they were before Dad," she said thoughtfully. "But that's a good thing, because you and Olivia can be more than you were before."

"You'd be okay with that?" Elliot questioned. All of the children supported the divorce, assuring both he and Kathy they wanted them to be happy even if it meant they were separated. But Elliot was aware of their suspicions about his relationship with Olivia, obviously over hearing Kathy's not so veiled comments that would often be thrown in the heat of an argument. Their approval wouldn't change the way he felt, but he would prefer to have it.

A soft smile graced Kathleen's face. "Of course I would. We'd all be okay with it, even Mom," she assured him. "I gotta admit that I thought something happened…before."

"I never cheated on your Mom," Elliot replied. There was no point getting angry at the accusation, he knew she hadn't been the only one of his children to think that about his relationship with Olivia. Kathleen was talking to him calmly and honestly, she deserved to be treated the same way.

"I know that Dad," she told him. This time when Kathleen leant against him she was offering support rather than teasing. "I figured that out when I realised you cared about Olivia too much to make her the other woman."

Her words stirred him. He was thankful she saw past his physical attraction and realised Olivia meant more to him. Resisting his feelings for her over the years hadn't just been about respecting his vows, Olivia deserved more than being treated that way.

"We're, uh, trying to figure some stuff out," Elliot said. He had no idea how to describe the current state of their relationship after how he and Olivia had parted that morning. The kiss was fresh in his mind, a promise Olivia had given him, a sign that she wasn't running from him. Her courage never ceased to amaze him. Thoughts about kissing her weren't new to him; he often quelled them before the fantasy went too far. But in his mind it usually lasted longer than a few seconds.

"Figure stuff out?" Kathleen questioned. "Come on Dad, I deserve more than vague cryptic explanations."

"We've known each other for a long time. There were rules we had to abide by. It takes time to adjust to them not being there anymore. Not to mention the fact that we haven't been in each other's lives for nearly four years," he averted his eyes guiltily.

Kathleen shook her head. "Everyone makes mistakes Dad. I'm pretty sure Olivia understands. She wouldn't still be talking to you after four months if she didn't."

Elliot shot her a sideways glance, and seeing her piercing gaze fixed on him he gave her a small nod. "We're trying to get to know one another again."

Kathleen's approval shone on her face. "Good. As more than you were before?" She questioned with a hopeful glint in her eye.

Elliot felt the flush return to his neck and he expelled a breath before nodding once quickly. "That's what we need to figure out."

"Wow," she said as her eyes widened with a mixture of excitement and shock.

"What? I thought you approved."

"I do," she rushed to reassure him, placing a hand lightly on his forearm. "It's just I never thought you would admit it. I thought that one day we would probably have a family dinner and Olivia would just be there."

"And that would have been okay?" Elliot asked doubtfully.

"Actually, yeah it would. Eli may be the only one you would need to say anything to. He doesn't remember Olivia like the rest of us do," she said as she glanced at the little boy in question. "I told you we all understand Dad and we want you to be happy. I know you could make each other happy if you just let her in."

At a loss for words, he leant and placed a feather light kiss on her brow. Kathleen tucked her arm around his, and leant her head on his shoulder as they turned their attention to the soccer game. Neither of them knew who was winning, but it was almost over. A few minutes later the referee blew the whistle and the players began to move off the pitch.

Eli was all smiles as he bounded over to Elliot and Kathleen. He stepped onto the bottom of the barrier to look over it. "We won Dad," he said excitedly as he held his arms up so Elliot could lift him over the barrier.

"I saw," he replied as he hooked his hands under Eli's arms and lifted him. Elliot glanced at the score board to see his team had won two to one. "Congratulations buddy."

Once Eli was set on the ground he looked up at his dad, squinting at the sun. "But I didn't score Dad," he replied.

"There's always next time Eli," Kathleen said as she hooked an arm around Eli's shoulders to pull him to her in a side hug. She glanced at Elliot meaningfully. "There's always gonna be another chance, isn't there Dad?"

Elliot nodded at her not so subtle implication before looking at Eli. "Of course there is, you just got to grab hold of it."

Eli scrunched his face in confusion. "But it's soccer Dad, I can't use my hands."


	12. Chapter 12

Reconciliation – chapter twelve

"_Sometimes we have to lose something precious to gain something priceless" – Unknown_

Olivia and the rest of the unit worked around the clock, taking naps in the crib or huddling in the kitchenette to eat while they worked. But the break in the case had come from Amanda's talk with a detective in Washington, who gave her the name of a suspect which turned out to be the alias of a witness they had interviewed at the first attack. It was almost eleven o'clock Monday night when Olivia watched Nick and Fin escort the perp to central booking to wait for arraignment in the morning.

Olivia rubbed the back of her neck tiredly before stretching to relieve some of the tension in her back. She walked in to her office and slumped in her chair, letting her gaze travel her desk to survey the stack of paperwork which awaited her. She let out a sigh and lifted a hand to open the top folder, pausing when the images of the first victim were displayed in front of her. Immediately she flipped the folder shut again. It could wait till morning; the paperwork for arraignment had been done and she needed a good night's sleep. Looking at those images for another hour would prevent that from happening.

She started closing up the office for the night, sorting her files into the order of importance for the early morning she intended to have after at least six solid hours of sleep. Olivia tidied away the mess from her desk which had built up in the haste of the last two days, throwing her personal items in her bag. Finally she turned her desk light off and shouldered her bag before picking up her phone. She sighed as she saw a message alert.

Settling back into her chair, Olivia tapped in her passcode quickly, holding her breath while opening her messages as she hoped it wasn't another case. She didn't know whether to be relieved when she saw it was from Elliot, asking how she was. It had been sent a few minutes earlier, while she had been in the squad room. They hadn't spoken since Saturday morning, since she had kissed him. It had been in the back of her mind ever since, her thoughts drifting to it during the occasional break she had taken, vividly remembering his quick intake of air just as she pressed herself against him, his soft lips starting to respond when she pulled away, the disappointment she felt when she pressed her hand against his chest to stop him from kissing her again.

The rational part of her brain knew she had to get to the precinct quickly, but the irrational part wanted him to brush aside her hand and finish what she started. She'd seen that want in his face, and was sure it was reflected in her own. She wouldn't have stopped him, would have met him halfway.

While Olivia had managed to keep her feelings and her hands to herself over the years, she hadn't been able to stop her mind from imagining what it would be like to kiss Elliot. She always thought that first kiss would the one that broke the dam and they wouldn't have stopped. She couldn't deny her thoughts went beyond that first kiss, most often they ended with her wrapped around him as they tumbled into her bed.

Pushing those thoughts aside, Olivia turned her attention back to her phone. Taping the reply button, she paused again overcome by the urge to hear his voice. Inwardly she cringed at her needy thoughts but she was unable to stop herself as she tapped connect instead of writing a reply.

"Hi," Elliot answered after two rings.

"Hi," Olivia replied suddenly feeling nervous about her decision to call him.

"How's the case going?" Elliot asked quietly.

Olivia glanced at the bullpen, making sure no one was watching her. "Uh, we just wrapped it up. The perp is on his way to central booking as we speak. I was just about to go home."

"You haven't been home since Friday have you?"

"We've been working around the clock," Olivia explained as she brought her free hand up to cover her yawn. "Well except for breakfast on Saturday," she amended bravely. She wanted to hear his reaction, judge how he was dealing with the aftermath of her bold move. Twinges of doubt crept into her mind as he stumbled over his reply.

"Yeah, breakfast was, um, it was interesting," Elliot replied almost shyly, softly.

Olivia smiled self-consciously; secretly glad she wasn't the only one who was affected by what had happened that morning. "It was," she agreed.

"Do you want to do it again?" He asked quickly.

Olivia's eyes bulged slightly at the implication, but she side stepped it when she replied. "You mean breakfast?"

He laughed softly, and Olivia found it to be almost too intimate to be having this conversation in her office, over the phone. "Breakfast or dinner, whatever you're ready for."

"As much as I enjoyed breakfast, I have an early start tomorrow. But we could have dinner tomorrow night," she replied tentatively.

"How are you getting home tonight?" He immediately replied.

Olivia's jaw dropped as she heard the offer in his voice. Her heart and head fought internally. She wanted to see him, but she was tired. She knew the likely outcome of seeing him tonight and she wasn't sure if that was a good idea.

"I'm going to take a taxi," she explained.

She heard his sigh and knew she had said the wrong thing. When they worked together he rarely let her go home alone, stubbornly waiting till she blinked her lights to signal she was safely in her apartment. Something that could have prevented…no, she wouldn't allow her thoughts to go to that night.

"I could pick you up," Elliot offered.

She instinctively shook her head; she knew the suggestion was coming. "It's late El," Olivia told him. "I'll be fine, I don't want to drag you out this time of night," she explained calmly. She wanted to see him. His presence would have calmed her on her journey home. No matter how much Elliot's over protective nature infuriated Olivia secretly appreciated it. Originally she thought it stemmed from his doubt over her ability she quickly learnt he did it because he cared about her.

"I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to do it."

Olivia sagged in her chair. She knew Elliot would come for her if she said yes. She wanted to see him, wanted to see where they stood with one another after Saturday. "Are you sure?" Olivia asked hesitantly.

"I'll see you in ten," he said, hearing the surrender in her tone.

"See you soon," Olivia said as they disconnected. She slipped the phone into her pocket and stood from the chair, not focusing on the possibilities of a late night meeting with Elliot. Walking through her door she saw Amanda signing off the last of the paperwork for the confession she worked hard to get.

Hearing Olivia approach Amanda looked up from the form in front of her and smiled tiredly. "You heading out?"

"Yeah," Olivia replied as she stopped beside the blondes' desk.

Amanda cocked her head to the side as she contemplated Olivia before casting a quick check around the squad room. "So, did you reschedule yet?"

Olivia couldn't stop herself from glancing around the room, double checking just as Amanda had done before giving a small nod. "Actually we had breakfast on Saturday," she admitted.

Amanda's eyes widened as she realised when Olivia was talking about. "I'm so…" she started but Olivia shook her head to cut her off.

"Don't worry about it Amanda, you needed me here."

"Still, I'm sorry," Amanda said understandingly. "Did you reschedule again?" She asked hopefully.

Again Olivia gave a short nod. "We're having dinner tomorrow night."

Amanda smiled supportively in response. "Good. I'm happy for you."

As much as she wanted to refute Amanda's implication, she didn't. "Thanks," she said instead.

Amanda's eyes narrowed when she heard the uncertainty in Olivia's voice. "Are you happy?"

"I am," Olivia rushed to assure her. "Our relationship is different now."

"Takes a lot to adjust to," Amanda said knowingly. "That could be a good thing. You're not restricted anymore."

"I still miss him being my partner," Olivia shook her head in an effort to clear her thoughts, suddenly unsure about letting Elliot take her home tonight. She still found herself looking around expecting him to walk in to the squad room four years after he left. She expected to feel him looking over her shoulder at a case file, expected to hear his input on a case.

"He can be more than your partner now," Amanda said gently. "I know he hurt you when he left, but if he stayed you wouldn't be able to have that."

Olivia snapped her eyes to the blondes' the realisation struck her. She gave another nod to confirm Amanda's words. She swallowed the lump in her throat. "I'll see you in the morning, don't stay too late."

Amanda smiled sympathetically, understanding how private her boss could be. "I'm just finishing this form and I'll be heading home Liv," she promised, smoothly avoiding the abrupt halt to the conversation.

Olivia nodded again before retreating out of the squad room. At the door she looked back over her shoulder to see Amanda had turned attention back to the work in front of her. "Amanda," she called. Amanda looked up, her brow crinkled in confusion. Olivia gave her a grateful smile. "Thanks."

"Anytime," Amanda said as she returned the smile.

Olivia continued out of the precinct taking the back stairs to leave the building. Upon opening the back door she immediately saw Elliot's car. Any doubts she had about meeting him slipped away when she saw him. They made eye contact and smiled shyly. Olivia held his gaze while she quickly walked to the car and got in the passenger seat.

"Hi," Elliot said as she settled herself and put on her seat belt.

"Hi," she said as he turned the key in the ignition and checked it was safe to pull out into traffic. Olivia turned her body sideways in the seat, her elbow rested on the car door and she leant her head on her hand and watched him drive through the city to her apartment.

Sensing her eyes on him, Elliot looked over at her when he pulled up to a red light. "What?"

"You didn't have to do this, you know."

The light turned green and the car roared to life again. "I know, but I wanted to see you."

Elliot's attention was on the road but Olivia could see he was nervous. She felt the heat in her face in reaction to his reason. The rest of the journey to her apartment was in reflective silence, the tension rising with every block they passed. Soon they were pulling up outside of her building.

Elliot turned the ignition off and relaxed back into his chair, his gaze fixed out of the window. Olivia unbuckled her seat belt, wondering what should be her next move, wondering what he wanted the next move to be. The awkwardness amused her; they were both adults, who knew each other inside and out and a single kiss had them in a quandary. She laughed quietly at the absurdity. Elliot looked over at her.

"What?"

Olivia shook her head. "Why did you want to see me tonight Elliot?"

He studied her for a long moment, struggling over his answer. Eventually his eyes dropped to her lips before reconnecting with hers. "I wanted a do-over."

"A do-over?" She questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah," he scratched the back of his head. "I always thought our first kiss would last longer than that."

"A bit presumptuous, don't you think?" Olivia teased.

"Maybe," he agreed self-consciously. "Stop making fun of me," Elliot asked with a laugh.

Olivia shook her head. "No," she replied leaning forward in her seat to be closer to him. Her hand lifted to his shoulder in reassurance. "Do you want to come up?"

Elliot surprised her when he shook his head. "No," he said as he turned to look at her. "As much as I want to come up I don't want to rush this. All I really wanted was to see you and make sure you got home safely. Not just to…"

"Kiss me," Olivia finished for him as she leant further into him.

Elliot saw the movement and leant in as well. Her hand moved to his neck as they closed the distance between them. He paused to give her the opportunity to stop if she wanted to, but a slight tug on his neck urged him to close the distance between them. Elliot touched his lips to hers once, his after shave filling her senses. Her eyes closed when he did it again, and on the third nudge her lips opened to his.

His tongue ran along her lower lip as he deepened the kiss. She gave herself to him, moaning into him. He was gentle but passionate, just as she imagined. They allowed themselves to explore unlike their first kiss. She could feel the want building in her, feel the urgency in his kiss but he suddenly pulled back. The sound of their heavy breathing filled the car as they regained control of their erratic heart beats.

After a few seconds Olivia glanced over at him, her chest heaving from breathing heavily. Elliot looked like she felt and they stared at each other as they calmed down. His expression turned to one of relief as he realised she wasn't running from the car.

"Now that was how _I_ imagined our first kiss," Olivia said.

It was Elliot's turn to laugh. "I knew you thought about it," he teased with a smirk.

Olivia shook her head. "You cocky son of a b-," her words were cut off by Elliot's lips on hers. This time it was soft but still as passionate. He pulled back before it went too far, his eyes clouded with desire.

"Good night Liv," Elliot said huskily.

Olivia's lips twitched. "Good night El," she said as she opened the door and got out. She felt his eyes following her as she walked up to the door of her building.

"Hey Liv," he called and she turned back to him. "Blink your lights."

Olivia waved her hand and nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow."

**Author Note – I hope you enjoyed the chapter as much I did writing it. Let me know any thoughts you have. **


	13. Chapter 13

Reconciliation – chapter thirteen

"_A woman has two smiles that an angel might envy, the smile that accepts a lover before words are uttered, and the smile that lights on the first born babe, and assures it of a mother's love." - _

_Thomas C. Haliburton _

It was mid-afternoon when Olivia and Nick stepped off the elevator into the busy waiting room. Nick held out his hand to stop Liv from going any further as a gurney was rushed passed them with several medical staff working on a patient. Once clear they continued to approach the nurse's station and waited as the only nurse manning the desk talked to a relative, trying to reassure them that a loved one had only been moved from one ward to another. As soon as they were given the room number the relative moved quickly away from the desk.

The harassed nurse immediately turned to file away the paperwork in the appropriate place, ignoring the partners. Olivia shared a look with Nick. She was sympathetic to the woman's predicament but they needed to find the potential victim who had been reported to them.

"Excuse me," Olivia said to the woman. When she glanced over her shoulder, Olivia flashed the nurse her badge and gestured to Nick. "I'm Sergeant Benson, this is my partner Detective Amaro. We're looking for an assault victim who was brought in."

The woman shrugged. "We're swamped here today," she said as she turned to the computer. "I don't think we've got the person you're looking for." Tapping a few keys on the computer she shook her head. "We don't have them, sorry. Do you have a name?"

"Actually she's just been admitted, that's why she's not on the system yet," said a nurse who appeared behind the other one. Olivia's head sprang up as she recognised the voice. Her eyes connected with the other woman's and they stared at each other. "The doctor just finished with her Olivia, and he's talking with her parents."

Still reeling from the unexpected meeting, Olivia tried to cover her surprise, but was slightly irked that the other woman was able to smoothly cover her shock. "Could you take us to her Kathy?"

Kathy beckoned them with a nod of her head and she led them to a curtained off cubicle where the doctor was waiting outside with the girl's parents. Olivia made the introductions and soon she and Nick split up, Olivia interviewing the victim and Nick getting background information from her parents and the doctor.

Olivia pushed aside the apprehensive thoughts in her mind as she sat with the thirteen year old girl while she recounted the story of the attack which occurred on her way home from school. She was still shaking as Olivia finished the interview, tears running down her cheeks as she asked for her mother. After the parents were back with their child Olivia excused herself and stepped out, closing the curtain behind.

She took a moment to calm herself, her eyes closing briefly as she fought her own emotions. It was becoming harder when she heard the victims' describing the attack, but she would stay strong. Nick was at the end of the corridor, taking notes as the doctor spoke to him. A few seconds later the doctor was paged over the tannoy and Nick let him go after giving him his card. His gaze fell on her and softened as he recognised the pain in her expression. She walked to him, the small distance between them giving her the time to push away the thoughts in her head.

"The parents are blaming themselves," Nick said as she approached.

"I don't think anything is going to change that," Olivia replied. Thankful he didn't mention her momentary lapse and they took the elevator to the ground floor. "He blitzed her," she shook her head as she the girls words came back to her. The doors opened and they stepped out.

Soon they reached the exit and Olivia started walking towards the sedan when Nick touched her arm to get her attention. She stopped and looked at him quizzically. He pointed at the blonde woman standing against the wall watching them.

"I think your friend is waiting for you," he said nodding at Kathy.

The two women stared at each other again. Olivia had been hoping to avoid this. Elliot mentioned Kathy had gone back to nursing but failed to tell her which hospital. Elliot may have been sure of Kathy's support for their fledgling relationship but Olivia couldn't help but feel uncomfortable under her scrutiny. Guilt had always been present in her interactions with the woman. It was almost as if Kathy could see through the façade Olivia projected over the years; the façade that she didn't feeling anything other than friendship for her husband.

"We're not really friends," Olivia said reluctantly. Nick gave a cautious look between the women, obviously wondering whether Kathy was a threat to Olivia. "She's Elliot's ex-wife," she explained, silently imploring him not to ask the questions that he clearly had.

He gave them each another glance before taking the hint. Nick held his hand out for the keys to the car. "I'll meet you in the car," he said as Olivia dropped them into his out stretched palm.

"Thanks Nick," she said as he brushed pasted her. As soon as he was far enough away Olivia made her way towards Kathy who pushed off the wall to meet her. She took a deep breath to calm her nerves. "Hi Kathy."

"Olivia," Kathy returned. They stood in silence staring at each other awkwardly. "How are you?" Kathy asked, breaking the silence.

"I'm good. How are you?" She wished Kathy would say whatever she had to say. Olivia was finding it hard to read Kathy, her face was neutral. She felt the apprehension pooling in the pit of her stomach.

And then Kathy smiled, but it did little to put Olivia at ease. "I'm fine Olivia. Elliot has Eli tonight because I got called into cover. So I waited after I finished my shift because I wanted to speak to you."

"I need to get back to the precinct Kathy. What did you want to talk to me about?" Her apprehension grew as Kathy was seemingly unfazed by their conversation.

"I know you're busy but I wanted to thank you for giving Elliot a second chance," Kathy said kindly.

It felt like her head was swimming with her confusion. She hadn't known what to expect, but it certainly wasn't that. Annoyance, accusations, and implications had taken precedence in their previous encounters. She was calmer than Olivia expected, calmer than she had ever been. Olivia realised Kathy was still looking at her and finally found her voice. "He wasn't the only one who needed a second chance."

Kathy nodded knowingly. "Still with the way he left things with you, I never thought that…" She trailed off, looking Olivia up and down. "I guess I underestimated you," she said uncomfortably.

Olivia opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. She wasn't sure if Kathy's falter was a good thing. She had no idea what Elliot told Kathy about them, neither of them put a label on it. After sharing those first kisses almost a month ago there had been several more, but they hadn't moved beyond that physically, not wanting to ruin their relationship by moving too quickly. Though they never crossed any lines while he was married their history made the situation she was currently in that much harder. She needed to get out of it, needed to flee. Olivia gestured at the sedan, with Nick sat in the drivers' seat. "I'm sorry Kathy but I need to get back to the precinct."

Kathy nodded and Olivia turned to walk back to the car. She stopped when Kathy called out. "It was hard you know," Kathy stated. Olivia said nothing but turned to her expectantly, waiting for her to explain. "Watching my husband fall in love with another woman."

"Nothing ever happened Kathy," Olivia sighed.

To her surprise Kathy's lips lifted upwards for a second. "I know. I knew that back then. I think that made it worse than if anything had happened," she gave a short sarcastic laugh. "I really wanted to hate you, but I couldn't when I realised both of you were fighting the way you felt, that you weren't going to do anything when he and I were married." She took a deep breath. "Elliot is an amazing father, a good man, and he tried to be a good husband. He was trying to do the right thing, but that doesn't always make you happy."

"Kathy, this isn't the place for this conversation," Olivia said quietly. She didn't want to have this conversation, not now, not ever. The urge to run was overwhelming and she took a step back to quell it in some small way only to tense when Kathy took a step forward to close the distance because she wasn't finished. As much as Olivia wanted to turn around and get into the car, it wouldn't have been fair to Kathy. She had things she needed to say.

"I know and I'm sorry but I just wanted you to know," Kathy's nose scrunched as she tried to compose her thoughts. "He missed you, and _I_ missed you," Kathy stressed out.

Olivia's brow furrowed in confusion and she could tell the admission was difficult for Kathy to make. She saw the internal struggle that Kathy was going through and relaxed her rigid stance. Kathy folded her arms across her chest and looked behind Olivia at the sedan. Olivia didn't follow her gaze but she knew Nick was probably keeping a surreptitious eye on them, making sure she was okay. She waited patiently for Kathy to explain.

"I had no idea how to deal with him after the shooting. He wouldn't interact with any of us, at all. Elliot needed help and I didn't know what to do. I knew you would," Kathy implored. "But he insisted it was better that way. I wanted your help and Elliot needed you. I think he was punishing himself by not going to you."

Olivia felt her eyes watering but she held the tears at bay. "What do you mean?"

"Elliot knew if he went to you, you would have made him feel better. He didn't want to. Internal Affairs cleared him but he still felt guilty for having to shoot a child. To him taking her life needed atonement, no one else was punishing him so he did it himself. He denied himself your comfort and hurt you both in the process."

Olivia shut her eyes as the first tear slipped down her cheek. The hospital entrance was eerily empty, and she was thankful there were no witnesses to this conversation.

"I had to do something and one day I was doing the laundry I found card in his wallet for a therapist and I made an appointment without telling him. I drove him there and we had a huge fight when I parked up outside. The therapist heard it and came out to get him. She talked to him and he just gave up and followed her back into her office. He went every week and eventually he and I started talking. About everything; his childhood; what he saw on the job and why he didn't tell me about it before, how he wanted to spare me that horror. And we talked about you too."

"About me?" Elliot had alluded to that before, but he never mentioned any specifics. Olivia wasn't sure if she wanted to know them or not, but she didn't think Kathy was going to spare her any choice in the matter.

"I was filing for divorce because Elliot finally accepted how he felt about you, he wasn't acting on it but he stopped fighting it. I wanted him to be happy; I wanted all of _us _to be. We were all miserable and there was only one way to stop it. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad about how you feel about Elliot, it needed saying. You needed to know that I don't blame you, I know you didn't plan for this to happen."

"I didn't Kathy," Olivia assured her. Kathy had an odd way of giving approval. Her emotions were swirling inside of her.

Kathy continued on, bypassing Olivia's promise. "Elliot hasn't been happy since he left the force. He was there for all of the children, trying to repair his relationship with all of them. But something was missing. You were missing," she licked her lips. "I'm just trying to tell you how grateful I am that you let him back into your life. He's got that spark back."

Olivia took a deep breath and ducked her head. "It wasn't just for him."

"I know you've had a tough year," Kathy said sympathetically. "You make him happy. I think he could make you happy if you let him try. He could help you heal if you let him."

**Author Note – You're a wonderful bunch of readers, thank you for all the comments for the last chapter and the favourites and adding to your follow lists. I wanted this up yesterday, but it's been a bad few days. Even though I had chocolate for breakfast (I'm entitled to on my 31****st****) everything went from bad to worse and then horrible, sorry for my rant. Anyway I would love to know any thoughts you may have don't hesitate to let me know, good or bad. **


	14. Chapter 14

Reconciliation – chapter fourteen

"_Never be afraid to start over because it's a new chance to rebuild what you want." - __Mario Tomasello_

When they left the restaurant, Elliot held the door open for her and she stepped past him, feeling him tense as she did. They fell into step together, elbows brushing as they walked. A comfortable silence fell upon them, both absorbed in their thoughts. An air of contentment settled around them as they walked the short distance to Olivia's apartment. Soon they were walking through the main entrance of her building. Neither said a word or paused until they reached her door.

Olivia opened the door, pushing it halfway before glancing over her shoulder at Elliot. She inclined her head and entered the apartment acutely aware how close he was on her heels. She shrugged off her coat and he did the same. Their fingers brushed as he reached out for her coat and they shared a fleeting glance as he hung them on the rack. It was the first time they had properly touched all night and it left them reeling. It had been an unspoken agreement from the moment Elliot had met her earlier and they left his car at her building, the tension rising between them with every look.

Walking a head of him, she didn't need to look over her shoulder to know what he was doing. He was snooping, as usual. He didn't ask her about it, but he still observed everything, taking note. Her lips twisted into a smile as she entered the kitchen and took two beers from the fridge and he sat on a bar stool across from her, watching her. She slid his over the work top and sipped her own, watching as he did the same with his. Olivia walked around the bar, fully aware of his eyes following her. He was allowing her to take the lead, following her silent pointers. Elliot placed his bottle on the counter, and swivelled in the seat to face her completely.

It had been two months since that first kiss, one month since Kathy implored her to let Elliot in, let him make her happy. Her words had replayed over and over in Olivia's head. While he knew of the encounter Olivia had with his former wife, Elliot hadn't pressed for details. Olivia was sure Kathy hadn't told him, neither had she.

They carried on as they had before. But the pact they made to take things slowly was starting to crack. Each kiss escalated quicker than the last, and it always ended with one of them pulling away before it went further than they intended too. Olivia felt her need for him building, was reluctant to let him leave at the end of the night as they both panted for breath after sharing kisses all the while staring hungrily at one another.

Nervous energy buzzed around them all throughout dinner and they both knew what was coming. Pushing aside any fears she had about consummating their relationship Olivia walked to him, abandoning her beer on the counter next to his, she positioned herself between his parted legs as her hand touched his chest and slid up around his neck to cup the back of his head as she pressed against him.

Elliot reacted immediately and his hand pressed her back to bring her closer to him. Their lips met eagerly. Olivia smiled when she heard him groan in appreciation at the contact. It more than made up for denying themselves all night. Elliot's other arm wrapped around her and their kiss deepened. Olivia's hand toyed with the collar of his shirt before dipping inside, enjoying the feel of him.

They broke apart for air but their faces stayed close. His nose grazed hers and she sighed contentedly. She didn't want to wait anymore. Olivia nudged his lips with hers. Elliot chuckled but didn't lose contact as he suddenly stood from the stool. Olivia instinctively stepped backwards, but he didn't let her go. Her chin tilted upwards to adjust to the change in height, her mouth opening under his.

The hand which was caressing him moved down towards the top closed button of his shirt, stroking the fabric around it in hesitation before running her finger over the top of it. She was about to undo it when Elliot's hand covered hers and he pulled back. He drew in a shaky breath while looking down at her with hooded eyes.

Olivia sighed in disappointment, recognising his withdrawal, knowing what he was going to ask. While she appreciated the gesture, Olivia didn't want to question this or herself. She bowed her head, avoiding his eyes. Elliot's lips touched her forehead and she shook her head.

"This is where I usually go home," Elliot murmured.

Olivia smiled in spite of herself, glad he phrased it that way, relieved he sounded as reluctant to leave as she felt to let him go. "Don't," she whispered shuffling closer.

Elliot squeezed her gently in reassurance before leaning down and kissing her quickly. He pulled back all too soon for her liking. "What do you want Liv?" He questioned.

It was almost as bad as if he had asked her whether she was sure or not, because now she had to try and put a voice to the thoughts in her head. She had to say it out loud, and if she did that, it made it all real. Her palms rested on his chest and her eyes focused on his adam's apple. His lips touched her forehead again as he sensed her uncertainty.

"I want you to stay," Olivia whispered. Elliot's chest tensed lightly under her touch. Olivia cautiously looked up at him.

Elliot returned her gaze. He nodded after a long moment. "I won't go," he promised. "But I don't think we're ready to cross that line." His hands rubbed her back gently, urging her not to back away.

"I think we're thinking about this too much," she sighed. She was tired of waiting. Not just because she wanted him, she did, but because the longer they waited the more pressure she felt. There was part of her that just wanted to get that part out of the way, over and done with. Olivia moved back to put some distance between them.

"Liv," Elliot said as he reached for her again.

But she stayed out his reach and picked up her beer to take a swig, wanting something to do other than face him. She knew he was saying it so she wouldn't have to. The rejection still stung. "It's fine," she said bringing the bottle down onto the work top.

"No it's not." With her back to him, Olivia couldn't see him but felt Elliot standing close. His voice is low and throaty; his breath tickles her ear as he speaks. "Sixteen years, Liv," he tells her.

She tries to suppress the shudder that passes through her. "I was there too El," she reminded him. She wasn't going to let him off easily.

His hands lay down either side of her on the counter, keeping her there, his chest touching her back. She wants to run. She hates that he hesitated, hates that he questioned. She wants to erase the last few minutes, go back to re-enter her apartment and start over. He got his do-over, why couldn't she have hers.

Olivia felt the panic building in her chest as Elliot surrounded her; his cologne clouding her senses, the feel of him behind her, and the sight of his large hands outside of hers on the counter. Fight or flight. Stay or go.

This was her apartment; he would be the one who would have to go. He wouldn't easily. It would be so easy to start a fight which would end with him storming out. She wants him to stay. She wants to stay.

Olivia turned in the small space he'd created around her and they were chest to chest again, nose to nose. She refused to glance at his lips, and bit her lip to stop a laugh from escaping when he looked at hers. Elliot smiled wryly at the movement and returned his eyes to hers.

"I want you. Don't think that I don't," he told her.

"Then why did you stop?"

"Because I'm scared," Elliot admitted. "I'm scared you're gonna wake up and run. I'm scared that you're going to panic."

"I'm not the one stopping this Elliot, you are."

"I know you Liv," Elliot reminded her. His hands clasped her at the flare of her hip to keep her there.

She stiffened. He did know her, better than anyone. Their relationship was already intense. He was worried how she would react to the increased intimacy of consummating their relationship. Olivia saw the concern in his eyes.

"I feel that the longer we wait, the more pressure there will be," she whispered, sagging in his embrace.

"There's always going to be pressure Liv." Elliot paused, relaxing his hold on her.

"What do you want Elliot?"

"You," he responded immediately. "I want to know what it's like to share a bed with you, what it's like to wake up with you. I want you to hear you laugh at my awful jokes."

"You're not that funny," she murmured fighting a smile.

"At me, not with me then," he quipped.

Olivia laughed then, making him smile. They held each other's gaze for a long time before it slowly slid from his face as he turned serious again. "I want to start over with you. I want you to feel safe enough to open up to me."

His sincerity touched her and she felt her reply choke in her throat. She gulped to push it away. Elliot made her feel safe, and she had no idea how he couldn't see it. He'd been the one who broke through her defences. "I want you to stay," she repeated.

From the realisation in his eyes, Elliot knew she wasn't just speaking about tonight. "I am. Are you?"

**Author Note – First I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who left a review on the last chapter, you guys made my day. This chapter was a bit of a tease, sorry. I'm now going to hide behind my sofa and peek over the back of it at the computer. No projectiles please.**


	15. Chapter 15

Reconciliation – chapter fifteen

"_Faith is confirmed by the heart, confessed by the tongue, and acted upon by the body__" – Benjamin Franklin_

"_I am. Are you?"_

Olivia maintained eye contact before swallowing again. Elliot kept looking at her, pinning her in place with his penetrating stare, refusing to let her walk away without giving him an answer. The longer she remained silent she could see the uncertainty grow in his expression. Olivia felt his hands fall away from her hips as he presumed her answer.

Their silent communication had never failed them on the job but when it came to anything else; to them…misconception was rife. She didn't want to undo the effort both of them had put in to rebuild their relationship over one hesitation.

Elliot began to step away from her, disheartened by her lack of answer. Olivia quickly reached out a hand to touch his. Instantly he halted and his eyes searched hers for an answer. She nodded once deliberately, finding it hard to voice the thoughts in her head. Elliot's stance relaxed and he took half a step towards her to place a chaste kiss on her lips to accept her answer, understanding what it would cost her to verbalise her reply.

They pulled back to stare at one another again. After a few seconds of awkwardness Olivia slipped her hand inside of his and led the way to the sofa and they flipped through the channels, finally deciding to watch the highlights of the hockey game. It served as a distraction from the intense conversation they momentarily abandoned, but was still in the forefront of their minds. They still had to deal with their insecurities but they took comfort in the presence of the other as they sat side by side.

They sat like that for a few hours, the anxiety dissipating slightly and they moved closer gradually till they were pressed up against one another. They watched an old black and white movie after the hockey game to prolong the evening and prevent the moment when Elliot would gather his coat and say goodnight. To Olivia's surprise time went on and the moment never came. Eventually her eyes grew heavy and Olivia fought to keep her head from dropping to his shoulder.

She shot him a questioning glance when he laughed gently only to find him looking at her fondly. "What?" Olivia asked.

"You need to go to bed," he said with a smirk.

Olivia wanted to refute his claim, but when she opened her mouth to speak she had to cover her it with her hand to hide the yawn which escaped. Flush flooded her cheeks and she looked at him sheepishly. Elliot's eyes twinkled as he laughed again, saying nothing as he stood up and took their empty beer bottles to the kitchen to put them in the recycling.

Olivia followed him with her eyes, confused by his actions. She fully expected him to start making his way down the hallway towards the coat rack, but he never did. Elliot wandered back to the sofa and held out his hand to her. Normally she would ignore the offer for help and wave it away but she couldn't bring herself to. She silently accepted the offered hand and stood, their hands held on after she was standing.

Olivia felt awkward as they stood for a long moment in the small space between the sofa and the coffee table. His actions told her he intended to stay, and suddenly she was nervous as to what he planned. She would have felt more confident if she knew they were going to have sex, because it would release some of the tension. There would be no need for talking, no tension filled silence as they tried to fall asleep listening to the other's breathing. Elliot said he wasn't ready for that. To her, this was more intimate than sex. She had never shared a bed with a man who she wasn't having sex with. This scared her more than sex, especially with Elliot. It made her vulnerable, the last barrier between them, the one thing he didn't know about her.

Swallowing her trepidation Olivia squeezed past him and led the way to her bedroom turning off lights as they made their way through the apartment. Once in the bedroom the discomfort increased tenfold as they were confronted with the big bed which in that moment seemed too small. Her pyjamas poked out from under her pillows on the left side. Olivia looked at him out the corner of her eye to find him looking back at her. He sent her a nervous smile as he gestured towards the door.

"I'm going to double check the front door, and let you get changed."

Olivia breathed a sigh of relief as he shut the door behind him. She closed the curtains and switched on the lamps on the nightstands on either side of the bed, placing her phone on her side, before turning off the main light. She then quickly changed into her tank top and pyjama bottoms on before going into the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. She used the private time to try to quash the tingling in the pit of her stomach. They were both adults and the bed was big enough to share.

Re-entering the bedroom she found Elliot waiting for her, sitting on the other side from where her pyjamas had been. He had slipped off his shoes and taken off his socks. The top few buttons of his shirt had been undone. His trousers were still in place.

Olivia watched as his eyes drifted over her and she wanted to wrap her arms around her torso to hide. He barely paused as he saw the scars which peaked out from under the cleavage of her tank top. Elliot's expression softened as he raised his eyes to her face again. She knew he wouldn't ask about them, but he knew how she had gotten them. She could see the nervousness in his eyes, betraying his seemingly calm exterior. Olivia allowed her lips to curve upwards self-consciously; relieved he was as affected by this massive step as she was.

Olivia nodded over her shoulder. "Bathroom's free."

Elliot nodded and walked past her. She took a deep breath as she contemplated the bed again. If she was this anxious now, she wondered what it would be like in the morning. In all of the years of knowing him, she never imagined what it would be like to wake up with him. She'd thought about what it would be like to spend the night with him, but she never thought about what came after. Maybe because she thought it would remain an unattainable fantasy. Apparently Elliot's thoughts had gone further than hers.

Olivia walked to her side of the bed and slipped under the covers. She didn't lie down; she wanted to wait for Elliot to return before doing so. Her knees bent towards her chest as she reached for her phone to set her alarm for work in the morning. She was just replacing it on the nightstand when the bathroom door reopened and Elliot emerged. They shared a knowing look.

"I can go home, if you-"

"No," Olivia blurted out. Elliot's eyes widened in bemusement at her protest and she felt the blush begin to creep up her neck and into her cheeks. They had already come this far, and Olivia wanted to see it through. She wanted to wake up with him. "Stay," she commanded a bit calmer as she patted the space next to her.

He gave her a small smile and didn't hesitate to cross the room to the other side of the bed. Olivia shuffled so she was lying on the pillows behind her. The bed dipped when he sat and swivelled so he was lying down. Olivia propped her elbows on the mattress to support her body as she frowned at him. He looked back her innocently, pretending to be oblivious to the cause of her scowl.

"That is ridiculous," Olivia said turning to fluff the four pillows under her head. She hugged them as she curled up on her side facing Elliot.

He mirrored her posture, his head propped up on his hand. His eyes twinkled with laughter. "You asked me what I wanted. I want to know what it's like to share a bed with you."

"But you're not in the bed, you're on top of the covers," Olivia told him as she gestured to him lying next to her. "Are you going to sleep like that all night?"

Elliot's eyes followed her hand down his body and considered what she was saying. His eyes still twinkled when he returned them to her face. "You told me to stay."

She quirked an eyebrow at him. "I'm pretty sure I could convince you to get in the bed."

"I'm sure you could," he replied his voice dropping an octave and raising his eyebrow.

Her head shook and she tried not to laugh. Olivia breathed easier; relieved he was talking to her, relieved they weren't lying there in silence. He was making this easier for her, for them. She snuggled further into the bed, her need for sleep fading.

Elliot squinted as he took in her posture. "You know I keep learning new things about you."

"What do you mean?"

"In all the years we've known each other, all the times I've seen you in the crib, and I never thought you would be a pillow hog."

In response Olivia just cuddled them tighter, silently challenging him to push further. Their joking relaxed her and a sudden surge of bravery urged her to speak up, wanting to grant him another of his requests. "Talk to me," Olivia told him.

"About what?" He brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear, his hand lingering on her cheek. "Or do you want me to listen?"

She moved her face into his palm, feeling the warmth of him. Sixteen years ago the gesture would have been strange and out of place, she would never have let him do it. Until the last few years of their partnership they hadn't exchanged a hug. And when they did she secretly relished the feel of him as he held her, chastising herself afterwards for feeling more than she should. Despite the new direction of their relationship, touching was usually reserved for when they kissed. But Olivia revelled in the support flowing through his hand. She nodded and tried to find the right words.

"You were right about tonight. Right about me wanting to run away when we got too close." Olivia admitted. "But you were wrong about me feeing safe. You know almost everything about me. You wouldn't if you didn't make me feel safe."

Elliot opened his mouth to interrupt but Olivia stopped him by placing her fingers over his lips, caressing them slightly. "Let me get this out," she implored him. "I'm trying to say that I find it easier to talk to you than anyone else. You make it easier, you understand."

His lips pursed against her fingertips in gentle reassurance but he didn't say anything to stop her train of thought.

Her eyes watered and she blinked away the tears. "There were times when I wanted to hate you. I wanted hate you because you left after making me rely on you. I wanted to hate you because you refused to answer your phone. I wanted to hate you because I cried over you. But I couldn't."

"Olivia," Elliot whispered apologetically, reaching for her. His arm slid over the comforter and pulled her to him. She moved willingly to him for comfort, seeing the tears in his eyes as she leant her forehead against his.

"I had a hard time adjusting after you left. I questioned everything, thinking I had done something to make you ignore me. I couldn't get past it and Cragen started noticing, hell, everyone noticed and it was like they were treading on egg shells around me. I couldn't go on like that, so I just pushed it to the back of my mind."

His arm around her tensed and he moved closer. "It wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. I shut down, completely. There was this huge part of my life missing, and I couldn't get it back, I had no idea how to fix it. Kathy had to make me an appointment with Hendrix."

Olivia eyes widened momentarily at the mention of the woman she attended the academy with, confirming her suspicions after her conversation with Kathy. She needed to hear this as much as he needed to say it.

"As much as I wanted to come back, I couldn't. I couldn't sit across a desk from you and keep pretending. I couldn't keep pretending you were just my partner, pretending that I didn't want more than that with you. I couldn't hold back anymore. I made a lot of mistakes when it came to you, to us and you deserved more than someone who was broken."

A tear slipped out of the corner of his eye, rolling down his face and pooling on his pillow. Olivia closed her eyes her own escaped. "You should've let me make that decision Elliot," she whispered. She licked her lips when she tasted her tears. "We can't screw this up. So if I try to run, stop me."

"Only if you do the same for me."

"I will. We have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow, the next day or next week. I'm petrified the closer we get, it will be worse next time." Elliot's hand ran down her back gently. He wasn't close enough, and the comforter was getting in the way and she didn't want any barriers between them. "Get in the bed Elliot."

He moved swiftly and soon he was settling back in the bed under the covers, pulling her to him. Olivia rested her head on his chest as he clutched her. His lips pressed a kiss into her hair. Elliot threaded his fingers through her hair to keep her in place as they both sought solace in the other.

He absentmindedly played with the strands as they calmed down. The sound of his strong heartbeat under her ear soothed her, and long after their tears dried she found her eyes drooping again. She felt him press another kiss to her hair, inhaling deeply as if reassuring himself she was really with him.

"I'm scared about what this means for us, about taking that next step," she said sleepily.

"When we do take the next step, I want more than just a night with you because that's not long enough. I want wake up to see a sleepy but hopefully satisfied smile on your face. I don't want it cut short because we have to rush off in the morning."

Olivia raised her head to prop her chin on his chest as she twisted to look him in the eye. "You've put a lot of thought into it, haven't you?"

His chest puffed a little in embarrassment. "More than you know."

Olivia bit her lip. "You'd be surprised."

**Author Note – It's pretty comfortable behind my sofa, I might build a fort. Especially as I will be finishing the story soon. I would love to know any thoughts you have on the chapter, or the story as a whole. **


	16. Chapter 16

Reconciliation – chapter sixteen

'_I fell in love with her when we were together, then fell deeper in love with her in the years we were apart' – Nicholas Sparks_

A sleepy moan escaped her and her eyes fluttered open. Olivia blinked a few times as she registered the featherlight touch on her neck. They had changed positions at some point during the night and she now laid facing away from him towards the window. He'd followed her and one arm lay draped across her waist, the other under her neck and dangling off her side of the bed. Another moan escaped when she felt the brushing of his lips on her neck again. Olivia jutted her chin forward, giving him better access.

"Morning," Elliot said his voice full of sleep. He chuckled and complied with her silent command. His lips were surer with their movement this time and Olivia hummed her appreciation.

"Morning," Olivia replied in a hoarse voice. Her hand covered his on her stomach, keeping him in place. She moaned when his lips met the sensitive skin under her ear. "Don't start anything you don't intend to finish," Olivia growled playfully despite stretching her neck to try to entice him back to what he was doing before.

Elliot's chest vibrated and his deep chuckle blew across her ear. Olivia closed her eyes and ducked her head to burrow further in her pillow, hiding her smile. She sighed happily; ignoring the little voice in the back of her head that was telling her not to get used it, thinking it may be a dream after all. She opened one eye to look at the alarm clock, wondering how much longer they had till it started to ring. Five minutes.

Elliot sensed the change in her immediately and the arm under her neck begin to lift as it reached to turn it off before it interrupted them. She grumbled at the loss of his ministrations on her neck. His hand dropped back to its' previous position and she could sense his stare aimed at the back of her head. His breath blew gently across her skin. Rolling on to her back she gazed up at Elliot.

"Morning," Olivia repeated hesitantly as she realised he was closer than she thought.

In the change of her position his hand shifted to her stomach, fingers splaying across her, spreading his warmth to her. Olivia's hand had moved to clasp his elbow. Elliot breathed out slowly as he looked at her intently. For a moment she thought he might rethink his stance on waiting. He slowly bent his head, his intent evident as his eyes dropped to her lips.

"Morning," Elliot murmured as their noses grazed.

Olivia lifted up to close the remaining distance. She moaned into him when he deepened the kiss. Elliot tentatively lifted the hand from her stomach to cup her cheek. The movement meant he was now laying over half of her. She sucked his lower lip between hers. Olivia smiled into him when he groaned in appreciation. Elliot pulled back slightly to look at her. Their chests moved in sync as they regained control of their heartbeats.

"I like this," Elliot admitted.

"Me too," Olivia said just as quietly, cautiously.

They were about to kiss again when Olivia's phone started vibrating. She slumped back on to the pillow in defeat and Elliot's head dropped, his grumbling muffled by her shoulder. The phone was still ringing and she reached over to answer it.

"Benson."

"Hey Liv, sorry to wake you but we got case," Fin replied.

"It's fine Fin," Olivia reassured him. Elliot turned to shoot her a mock glare while his forehead stayed connected to her shoulder. "I was awake."

Elliot smiled and pressed a kiss to her shoulder, the moment lost. He hoisted himself up off the mattress and got out on the other side of the bed, disappearing into the bathroom. Her eyes trained on the door as she listened to Fin give her the details.

"I'll pick you up on the way to the scene," Fin said into the phone. "See you in fifteen."

"Thanks Fin," she said as they both hung up.

Olivia pushed herself out of bed, quickly pulling her outfit for the day from her wardrobe. Elliot emerged back from the bathroom and she dived in there to shower, clipping her hair up so not to get it wet. The water cascaded over her and she allowed herself a moment to contemplate the wakeup call Elliot had given her. She had to admit it was better than her alarm clock. She knew Elliot wasn't really upset with the interruption, he knew the job, more disappointed. She was too.

Finishing her shower quickly, Olivia returned to her bedroom to find it empty. With the finesse developed after getting ready quickly she dressed and tied back her hair, applying minimal make up. Rushing out into the living room she found Elliot in the kitchen filling a travel mug with coffee. He'd put on his shoes and had his jacket on.

"You don't have to leave you know," Olivia said as she came up behind him. She checked her watch; she only had a couple of minutes till Fin picked her up.

"I know, but I've got to get to work as well and before that I've got to go home and get changed," Elliot said as he passed her the travel mug after adding the right amount of sugar and milk.

"Thank you," Olivia said as she took a sip and watched as Elliot lifted the cup beside him on the counter and took a large gulp from it, wincing when he did as the liquid burnt his throat. "Hot?"

Elliot shot her sideways look as he threw away the rest of the cup and put it in the sink. "Come on, Fin will be waiting."

Olivia tried not to pause when Elliot walked past her. She turned with him, and his hand guiding her in the small of her back. Apart from Amanda, none of the team knew the change in her relationship with Elliot. She double locked the apartment door, trying to ignore the trepidation building inside of her. In moments Olivia would have to acknowledge the changes in her relationship with Elliot. As soon as Fin saw them emerge from her building at this time in the morning, he would know, he would assume. She knew Fin wouldn't judge her, but she always strived to keep her personal life separate.

They walked down the stairs together, matching step for step. Elliot's hand paused on the door handle and he stopped to look at her understandingly.

"It'll be fine Liv, Fin understands."

"You're a mind reader now?" She asked jokingly, trying to cover her anxiety by looking him straight in the eye. Elliot saw through her cover and his eyes softened. "Come on, Fin's waiting," Olivia said, wanting to get this over with. He would find out eventually, it was just earlier than Olivia expected.

Elliot nodded knowingly and held the door open for her. Sure enough there was the sedan double parked outside her building. He was tapping the steering wheel with his hand, slightly impatient as his eyes wandered around her block. Olivia spared a glance over her shoulder and found Elliot right behind her. They shared another knowing look, before Elliot nodded over her shoulder. Looking back at the car she saw Fin staring at them, wide eyed. The shock on his face was fleeting and he covered it well as he turned the ignition on the car.

Elliot's hand touched her back again, partly to get her attention, partly in support. When she looked at him he spoke. "I'll talk to you later." Elliot paused, and for a moment Olivia thought he might kiss her. She tensed under his touch, telling him she wasn't comfortable with that just yet.

Olivia smiled sadly when his hand dropped from her back. "I'm sorry El," Olivia said quietly.

Elliot shook his head. "You have nothing to be sorry for Liv."

Olivia slipped a hand around the lapel of his jacket. "We can have a do-over when we're not working," she offered.

The wink Elliot sent her was barely discernable as he walked to his car, exchanging a nod with Fin as he did so. Her regret faded as she walked to the sedan and smoothly slipped into the passenger seat. Fin waited a beat before revving the engine and pulling out into traffic.

"What's the case?" Olivia asked before Fin could say anything. Fin smoothly accepted her direction.

"Young woman, no identification, admitted to Mercy after she was found unconscious in an alley by refuse collectors an hour ago. The EMT's called it in when they saw genital bleeding. Amanda's heading over to the hospital to wait for the doctor's report and for the girl to wake up."

"Did anyone hear anything?"

Fin shook his head, passing her his phone with the details displayed. "Patrol is canvassing but so far no witnesses have come forward, no one has recognised the victim either. CSU is on the scene."

"Okay," Olivia nodded as she absorbed the details Fin gave her. Fin continued to navigate traffic in silence and she read over the initial report on his phone. They pulled to a stop at a light and Olivia felt his eyes on her. "Out with it Fin," she prompted without looking at him.

"You and Stabler, huh?"

Her cheeks heated and her eye lids fluttered. There was no accusation, no judgement, just support in Fins' voice. She shot him a sideways glance and pursed her lips. He lifted his hands from the steering wheel in mock surrender.

"I'm not saying anything," he said with conspiratorial smile. "Munch would say something."

Olivia gnawed the inside of her cheek. The car in front began to move and Olivia was grateful for it as she pointed through the windscreen. "Concentrate on the road Fin."

"Alright, alright," he agreed trying to conceal his laugh while pressing his foot on the gas pedal.

After driving a few blocks in silence, Olivia spoke. "Nothing happened. We're waiting…I don't know why I'm telling you this."

"I'm here to listen, whenever you need me to Liv," Fin said gently. "This has been a long time coming though. It's only natural that you're worried about it."

"Long time coming?"

"Don't act as though it hasn't," he said partly serious, partly joking. "This is something you want, isn't it?" He was completely serious now, his brotherly concern coming through.

Olivia looked over at him. "For a long time," she confirmed.

Fin's lips split into a wide smile at her turn of phrase, but he didn't take his eyes off the road. "Then I'm happy for you."

"Thanks Fin."

"And so long as Stabler treats you right, I'll be happy for him too."

"He is Fin," Olivia reassured him. "And I can take care of myself."

"Oh I know, just letting you know you don't always have to. I think Stabler was the first to put that point across."

"He was," Olivia admitted. Their conversation coming to a halt when they pulled up behind the patrol cars parked outside an alley which was cordoned off by police tape. In the distance Olivia could see a dump truck parked up and the men, she presumed to be the one who found the woman, were being questioned by a couple of uniforms. "Fin check with the witnesses, I'm going to find out what CSU has got."

…

Hours later Fin was approaching Elliot as he stood to the side of the hot dog stand in the park. He knew Olivia wouldn't be happy with him right now; she would probably nail his ass to a desk for a month if she knew he was doing this, but he needed to be reassured by the man himself. Elliot made eye contact apologetically as he gestured to phone he held to his ear. Fin nodded and tried not to listen as Elliot spoke.

"No Kathleen, I'll have to ask Liv," he paused listening to the other end. "I thought I didn't have to say anything." Another pause. "Okay, okay I'll ask her…yes I know Kathleen. I am not talking about this with you...alright I have to go now…I love you too Kathleen." Elliot hung up his phone and pocketed the device. "Sorry," he apologised to Fin.

"It's okay, good to see you're getting along with her. She's a great kid," Fin replied. When Elliot looked confused, he elaborated. "I saw her when she came to see Liv."

"Yeah," Elliot smiled proudly when he realised what Fin was talking about. "She was reminding me to invite Liv to my birthday dinner next week."

"She's brave. I have no idea where she got that from," Fin said, partly joking.

"Me either. You said you wanted to talk…"

Fin nodded. When he contacted Elliot earlier, the first thing the former detective asked was if Liv was okay. He had to tell Elliot she was fine a couple of times before he stopped asking. "I just wanted to tell you…Liv's happy."

"Me too," Elliot nodded, his eyes lighting up. "And you want to make sure she stays happy."

"Yeah."

"You think I don't want that?"

"I just want to make sure you don't take her for granted again."

"Fin, I've been falling in love with her for nearly sixteen years. Most of that time I couldn't act on it. Now that I can, that she's letting me show her…" he trailed off to find the right words. "I want to make sure it's right for the both of us."

"I get that. But you've got a track record for bolting on her."

That made Elliot pause. "I always knew that I cared about her Fin. It wasn't till she wasn't there every day that I realised how much I loved her, how much I relied on her. It took a long time to remember how to be me without her."

"Took her a long time too."

"It also made me realise how much I changed because of her, she made me a better cop, a better person. I didn't want to go back to being the man I was before I met her. But it was something we needed to happen, because if it hadn't we wouldn't be where we are now."

"You told her you love her yet?"

"No, and she's not ready to hear it. I'm trying to show her before I tell her."

"I just hope you realise when she's showing you too."

**Author Note – thank you to everyone for their comments on the last chapter. It's so nice that you're all still enjoying the story and sticking with it. I would love to know what you think of this chapter or the story as a whole, so if you have the time please let me know.**

**Also as I'm relatively new to SVU (I started watching reruns side by side with the later part of season 15 earlier this year) Elliot's departure is fairly new to me. I want to know if people get used to it after a while. PM me if you don't want to leave a public comment. **


	17. Chapter 17

Reconciliation – chapter seventeen

'_My__ simplest advice to everyone out there; If hurts, let go. Life is way too short to waste any time at all. You're only young for so long, and every moment you spend dwelling on the things that only cause you to hurt, is precious time wasted where you could have been out adventuring around, making more memories to look back on. Nobody wants to remember the nights they sat around crying. They look back at the adventures they had while they were young. The good nights, days, whatever. And when you find someone where it feels like the first time every time, don't let that go. Don't give up without a fight. To hell with anybody who makes you feel like you're ordinary. Don't waste your time. And I'm not kidding, when you find this person, hold tight and do not ever let them go. It rarely happens. And you'll know it, because it's when you feel most alive. It's a pretty shitty world, no jokes. But you can be happy if you want to be.__' - Unknown_

Elliot pulled up outside the restaurant. Beside him Olivia took a deep breath as she looked over at the Chinese restaurant. He could feel the trepidation flowing off of her in waves. Elliot understood why, he was anxious for the same reason. Apart from Fin, this would be the first time they were acknowledging they were more than friends. This time it was to his children who were waiting for them in the restaurant.

Elliot's phone rang and he reached inside his jacket to answer it. Kathleen. He pressed connect, eyeing the restaurant as he held it to his ear. "Hi Kathleen."

He suddenly saw a blonde head appear in the window of the restaurant looking directly at them. "Stop stalling Dad, we're not going to bite."

"We just got here," Elliot defended. He pointed at the window to direct Olivia's attention to his daughter. She gave a small wave and Kathleen lit up as she returned the gesture. "We're coming in now."

"Oh and just warn Olivia, Eli has about a hundred questions he wants to ask her."

Elliot's brow crinkled. "Why?"

"Mom told him that Olivia was there when he was born, he's kind of excited about it."

"Okay thanks for the heads up," Elliot said as he hung the phone. Olivia turned to him expectantly. "Kathleen says that Eli wants to interrogate you."

Olivia quirked an eyebrow. "He pick up any tips from you?" She asked with a twinkle in her eye.

"No," he sighed. "You know I've not told him about us. He thinks you're my friend, I had no idea how else to tell him."

Olivia placed a hand on his forearm to calm him. "It's fine El. He's six, what else would you tell him?"

"Thank you. Are you ready for this?" Elliot asked.

Olivia's chest puffed and she sighed. "Honestly I'm nervous," she admitted.

"You've met them before," Elliot said squeezing her hand.

"That was when we worked together, it's completely different now. It feels like we're confirming everything they thought about us, everything that we denied. I just don't want them to think we were lying to them, to think we were having an affair all this time."

Elliot's thumb brushed the back of her hand. He drew his lower lip into his mouth, nodding thoughtfully. "I'm worried about that too. But apparently my kids understand. According to Kathleen anyway."

"Really?" Olivia looked dubious.

Elliot didn't have a chance to reply because someone knocked on the passenger window causing them both to jump. Looking at the window they saw Kathleen smiling at them, as she beckoned them.

"Come on," she called through the window.

Elliot squeezed Olivia's hand once again in support before releasing it and they both exited the car. By the time Elliot walked around the car, Kathleen had engulfed Olivia in a hug which she returned hesitantly by patting his daughters' back. Elliot smiled at the sight.

Kathleen released Olivia and immediately looked contrite. "I'm sorry but it was me or Dick, he's getting hungry and wants to order." She leant in and gave Elliot a kiss on the cheek before wrapping an arm around Olivia's.

They walked into the restaurant together, their attention drawn to the booth at the back of the dining room where the rest of the Stabler children sat. Eli was bouncing on his knees on the seat next to Lizzie while Maureen and Dick sat on the other side of him. He watched Olivia survey the seating arrangements and knew she was itching to place herself in the corner to watch whoever entered and left the restaurant. He frowned; the new habit she picked up showed no signs of going away. Maybe it was down to the stress of tonight. He wanted to take all of this away from her and fast forward through this part. But she would never let him.

Kathleen half dragged, half led Olivia over to the booth and Elliot followed close behind, his pulse beginning to race as the moment which had them both so anxious drew nearer. All of them were smiling. Dick's looked a little forced but it was counteracted by Lizzie's and Maureen's beams as well as Eli's enthusiasm.

"Hi Dad," the little boy called with a wave. Without waiting for a reply he clambered over Lizzie and was running to greet them.

"Hey buddy, you okay?" Elliot said as soon as he was close enough.

"Yep, Kathleen said I get to sit next to you and Olivia," Eli replied as came to a halt in front of his sister and Olivia, staring up at them in awe. Elliot could pin point the exact moment when Eli found the moment too much before he shied away from the stranger who was important enough to have dinner with them.

Kathleen spotted it as well and twirled her finger at her brother. "Turn and march little man, we're going to the booth."

Eli gave the women another contemplative look before turning on his heels and ran back to the booth, sliding in to the both staying on this side of Lizzie, who shuffled next to Maureen and swapped her drink with Eli's.

Reaching the booth Kathleen released Olivia's arm and sat next to Dick while Olivia exchanged a look with Eli. "Do you mind if I sit here Eli?"

Eli looked between her and Elliot before he quickly shook his head and patted the seat. "You can sit here."

They settled themselves and Elliot's automatically slid an arm around her waist to offer reassurance, releasing the breath he held when she relaxed back into it. The movement didn't go unnoticed by his older children but none of them commented.

"It's nice to see you guys again," Olivia said a little uncomfortably.

"We're glad you could make it Olivia," Maureen replied when Dick shifted next to her.

Oblivious to the tense atmosphere and overcoming his initial shyness Eli tapped Olivia on the hand. Both of them turned to him to see his eyes twinkling. "Yes Eli," Olivia said.

"Were you there when I was born?" He asked tilting his head to the side curiously.

"I was Eli," Olivia answered with a small smile, trying to put him at ease like she did all the other children she came into contact with.

Elliot smiled at his youngest; proud that Eli was trying to find some kind of connection with the woman who was a stranger to him but who knew the rest of his family. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the waiter approaching. He squeezed Olivia's waist to get her attention. "What do you want to drink?"

"Um a beer," she said as he signalled for the waiter. He placed their order for two beers and turned back to the conversation.

"Mommy said that you looked after me when she was sick."

"I did Eli, I had to hold onto you while the medical staff worked on your Mom," Olivia said with a cautious glance towards the other people at the table. The girls were listening aptly to the little boy who was covering the silence for them. Dick sat in between the oldest girls fiddling with his napkin.

Next to him Olivia sighed as she saw it too. The waiter brought their beers and Elliot reached for it to take a sip, anything to cover the silence.

"Are you my Dad's girlfriend?" Eli asked completely unaware of the stares the rest of the table gave him.

Elliot sputtered on his beer as it went down the wrong hole. For a moment the question was met with silence and Elliot looked at each of his children in turn before looking at Olivia. Her cheeks were tinged with pink and she was looking back at him imploringly. "How would you feel if Olivia was my girlfriend Eli?"

Elliot watched as the six year old considered the question and the woman in front of him seriously. He concentrated very hard, scrunching his brow before smiling. "It would be okay."

"Okay?" Olivia questioned.

Eli nodded. "Yeah, I mean Dad really likes you. Plus I saw this picture at his apartment," he pointed at Elliot to emphasise his point. "And you're both smiling really big smiles."

Olivia looked at him to confirm or deny Eli's statement but he turned to the others.

"What about rest of you?"

Kathleen laughed. "Dad we've been waiting for this for a while."

"Yeah, we're happy for you. You don't have to be so nervous about it," Maureen added while Lizzie nodded in agreement.

Olivia was focused on Dick, gaging his reaction. "What about you Dick?" She asked gently.

He looked up then, his eyes darting between them. He looked torn between being contrite and angry. "I, I need some air," Dick said as he pushed up from the table and shuffled past Kathleen as she quickly moved her legs to the side to avoid being pushed from the booth. He strode purposefully out of the restaurant, not looking back.

Kathleen made to get up to follow him but Elliot waved her back down. "This isn't your job to do Kathleen, it's mine. I'll be back soon." Olivia's hand squeezed his thigh in encouragement. Partly for the benefit of the other children at the table, partly for his own, but mostly for Olivia's, Elliot leant in and kissed the side of her forehead before standing to follow Dick.

Once outside he quickly located him, standing up against his car, cigarette lit in hand. Taking a moment to calm himself he watched as Dick took a drag from the cigarette, staring at some spot on the ground in fascination. He slowly approached him, trying not to startle him.

"When did you start smoking?" Elliot asked calmly. Dick was an adult now, and no matter how Elliot felt about it, Dick could make his own decisions.

Dick didn't look up to acknowledge him. "A couple of years ago," he sighed. There was silence and Dick took another drag.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Dick shook his head. "Is it wrong that I don't want to play happy families?"

"No, but you don't have to storm out like a child," Elliot replied as he leant on the car next to him. "I was never unfaithful to your mom."

Dick's face twitched but he didn't reply. He threw the butt on the floor and stomped it out before pacing away from the car, away from Elliot. He stopped, watching through the restaurant window. Elliot followed his gaze and saw Eli was gesturing wildly at his audience. After a few seconds, Olivia turned to looked at them, her concern evident.

"It's not about Olivia Dad," Dick said as he turned to face him.

"Then what's it about?"

"She came here tonight to meet us, and you can't even admit she's your girlfriend. You had to ask us what we thought."

"I, we wanted your input."

"Yeah, well, I think she's pretty brave to be here."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Is anything going to change between you if we don't give you our permission?"

"No," Elliot sighed.

"Good. Look Kathleen wanted to play matchmaker and wants us all to be happy about it. And I am happy because the last few months are the happiest you've been in years, but there's a bit too much history for me to get over just yet."

"I understand that, but Liv doesn't deserve you doing that."

"I'm sorry. But it's obvious that you're both being cautious about your own relationship."

"We're taking things slow."

"Why?" Dick asked. "You've known each other for sixteen years; I think you've wasted enough time Dad." Elliot said nothing as Dick closed the distance between them, continuing his rant. "You're lucky enough to have a second chance at being happy, don't give it up. No one knows what's going to happen, especially you two after being on the job for years. One of you could die tomorrow, and the other would be left with more regrets than you had four years ago. You were brave enough to apologise and overcome being an ass, which must have been hard on you." Elliot quirked an eyebrow, but let him finish. "You can be brave enough to tell her how you feel."

"What if she's not ready to hear it?"

"She wouldn't be here tonight if she wasn't, she wouldn't be here if she didn't feel the same way."

Elliot looked through the window at Olivia to find her looking at him sympathetically. Elliot nodded once and gestured for Dick to return to restaurant.

"When did you become so knowledgeable about women?"

"Oh I did the opposite of what you did all these years with Mom and Olivia; I'm honest about my feelings," he said seriously.

"And how does that work out for you?"

"Most of the time it's appreciated," Dick paused with his back on the restaurant door. "And sometimes I get slapped."

Without waiting for a reply Dick turned on his heel and returned to the restaurant. Elliot followed him closely as he approached the booth. All eyes turned on him as he stood at the end of the table, and he focused on Olivia as he cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have acted that way," Dick apologised in a small voice.

Olivia shook her head. "It's okay."

"No it's not, you didn't deserve that," Dick replied as he retook the seat next to Kathleen.

Elliot kept his face neutral as he sat next to Olivia, hoping she didn't think he had forced Dick into apologising, that he was doing willingly. He hadn't said he was happy for them, because she would see through that.

An uncomfortable silence fell over the table for moment as everyone busied themselves by taking a drink. Eli was glancing around; knees on the seat, elbows resting on the table as his hands idly tapped it. "Can we order yet? I'm getting hungry."

**Author Note – I just want to say a huge thank you to all of those who took the time to leave a comment or message me with your answer to my query, a lot of like-minded people, glad I'm not the only one. I would love to know what you think of this chapter.**

**And Ruli – I must have been channelling you while writing this chapter because I tried to get it out a bit quicker than usual. Hopefully you like it…thank you for waiting ****.**


	18. Chapter 18

Reconciliation – chapter eighteen

"_There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world, it's the beginning of a new life.__" - Unknown_

"I want to stay at your place tonight Dad," Eli pouted as Elliot was helping him with his coat.

"Well your Mom is expecting you back Eli," Elliot replied as he zipped up the coat.

"But Dad I want to show Olivia the photo," the six year old whined as he looked up at Olivia with the same mischievous look his father had sent her time after time over years.

"You can show it to Olivia another time," Elliot responded patiently.

Olivia covered her mouth, trying not to let him see her smile. After Elliot and Dick returned to the table, it ended up being a nice meal. Eli led most of the conversation, and the girls added their own comments and questions, all the while avoiding Dick's walk out. Dick even began to liven up by the end, returning the teasing his sisters gave him.

Elliot rose to his full height while looking down at Eli who had returned his full attention to Elliot, and was directing what Olivia considered an adorable pout at his father. She wasn't able to help the small snicker that escaped as Elliot tried to and failed to discourage Eli, didn't help that he was stubborn just like Elliot. She bit her lip to stop it from becoming a full laugh when Elliot looked over his shoulder at her, raising an amused eyebrow.

"You're no help at all," he told her while trying to conceal his own amusement from Eli.

Ignoring him Olivia looked down at Eli to find him watching them. "Eli, why don't you go and wait outside with your brother and sisters?" She said gesturing to them outside as Dick smoke.

The little boy had gotten over his initial shyness quickly and he eagerly agreed to whatever Olivia asked him so far that evening. He reminded her so much of Elliot eying up a perp when he scrutinized both of them while considering her request, obviously trying to decide whether or not pestering would work on them. Olivia gave him a wink and a smile and his face lit up.

"Okay," he replied enthusiastically as he turned on his heel and ran out, immediately taking hold of Lizzie and Maureen's hands and swinging between them.

She felt Elliot come up behind her and spoke gently into her ear. "He likes you."

"He's a great kid, they all are," Olivia looked over her shoulder. "You're on good terms with Kathy, and it's Friday night. You could call and ask if she doesn't mind."

Elliot searched her face for a moment, his expression bordering on frustrated. "Our do-over won't last long with a six year old in the apartment."

She tilted her head to the side impishly. "We'll have plenty of chances."

For a split second she thought he would refute her claim but he glanced out to his children who were waiting for them. His mouth opened and closed again, grumbling quietly. "I'll make the call," Elliot finally agreed.

"I'll wait for you outside." She turned and exited the restaurant, approaching the group that was waiting for them.

Lizzie looked up and smiled. "Where's Dad?"

Olivia gestured over her shoulder. "He's phoning your Mom."

"Why?" This time Maureen spoke up cautiously.

"Because I want to stay Dad's apartment tonight," Eli answered before Olivia could.

To her surprise, Maureen just rolled her eyes and shook her head. "He doesn't have to phone. Mom packed a bag for Eli in case he wanted to stay. It's in Dick's car." She patted Dick on the arm. "Give me your keys, I'll go get it."

Dick reached into his pocket and dropped them into his sisters' palm. Maureen started walking down the street, leaving Eli holding Lizzie's hand. Kathleen caught her other sister's eye and nodded in Maureen's direction, holding her hand out to Eli. "Why don't we all go get your stuff to make sure she doesn't forget anything, huh Buddy?"

Eli nodded, happy to go along with anything which meant he got to spend the night at his Dad's. He virtually dragged his sisters after Maureen. Kathleen sent Dick a glare over her shoulder which didn't faze him. It wasn't until his siblings were far enough away that he turned to acknowledge Olivia. Putting out his cigarette he took a small step closer. He looked apologetic as he cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry for living up to my name."

Olivia shook her head. "You don't have to apologise if you don't want to. I didn't expect everyone to be happy about this."

"You didn't deserve me to react that way," he paused nervously. "And Dad and Kathleen aren't telling me to apologise. Well Kathleen told me too, but she's not why I'm doing this. You deserved a better apology than the one I gave at the table."

"You were being honest, that's all I want," Olivia told him softly. "I understand that this isn't easy for you."

"This isn't about my parents splitting or me thinking you had something to do with it. I know that you didn't," Dick paused to take a drag from his cigarette. "They're happier apart. I just don't know why you're denying anything. I mean what are you scared off?"

Olivia huffed and instinctively closed her arms over her chest protectively as she leant against the wall close to him. She didn't have the words to adequately explain their reluctance to take their relationship further, especially in a way which was appropriate for Dick to hear.

She was grateful for the slow pace they were taking, getting used to the increasing physical intimacy.

Elliot knew her.

Almost all of her.

With the erosion of that final barrier between herself and Elliot would mean giving herself fully to him, and she wasn't sure if she was ready for that. It would be like giving him everything. The possibility of losing that was too much for her to bear.

She felt her eyes prickling and was aware of Dick's gaze still on her face. She looked at him, realising he had shuffled closer. He looked pensive, compassionate. Just like Elliot.

"What's stopping you from letting go?" He asked so softly that Olivia barely registered it. He realised the effect he was having on her, watching the myriad of emotions play across her face, and he immediately backed up regretfully. "I'm sorry, I'm being a jerk. I shouldn't be prying. It's none of my business."

Olivia waved a hand to stop him. But she was unable to tell him that it was okay because Elliot emerged from the restaurant and stopped short when he saw Olivia and Dick standing there. Picking up on the tense atmosphere, he glanced between them.

"Everything okay?" He asked as he tried to catch Dick's eye.

Olivia laid a hand on his forearm, feeling his stiff muscles. He relaxed under her touch. "Everything is fine El."

His doubt showed and he glanced between them again. Fortunately for them, Eli chose that moment to return.

"Dad, Olivia, look I got a Batman backpack," he said as he held up the bag for them to see.

"So I see Eli," Olivia said allowing a smile to form as she focused on the child, grateful for the interruption.

"Did Mom say that I can stay Dad?" He asked craning up at Elliot.

"You know she did," Elliot replied with the beginnings of a smile as he held his hand out for the bag. Eli impishly relinquished the bag to his father. "She also said you can stay for the rest of the weekend if you want."

Eli nodded emphatically. "I want to stay."

"We're going to head home," Maureen said as she and her sisters reached them. "It's been great to see you again Olivia." She leant in to give the older woman a kiss on the cheek.

As soon as Maureen pulled back and moved on to her father, Lizzie did the same as her big sister. "It better not be another four years," she said jokingly.

"I hope not," Olivia replied shooting Elliot a good natured glare.

She let out an "oomph" as Kathleen wrapped her in a bear hug, which she hesitantly returned. Tightening her hold on Kathleen she whispered into her ear. "Thank you."

Kathleen squeezed her gently. "It wouldn't have worked if you two didn't want it to." They released each other and Kathleen forcefully tapped Dick's arm. "Come on, you're our driver."

"Yeah, yeah," he said pushing from the wall. Dick spared Olivia a sincere look, trying to convey how sorry he was for his behaviour. "Tonight wasn't as bad as I thought," he gave them a genuine smile as he started walking off to catch up with his sisters. "I'll see you guys soon. Bye Eli."

"Bye Dick," Eli said with a wave.

"Come on, let's get you two home," Elliot said with a guiding hand on Eli's shoulder.

"Is Olivia staying at your apartment too?" Eli asked as Elliot shuffled him to the car.

Olivia looked to Elliot for the answer, she had no idea how Kathy would feel about that. She could do with some alone time to reflect on her conversation with Dick and her reaction to it, but she didn't want the evening to end. As soon as Eli was in bed, Olivia knew Elliot would be asking her what Dick said to make her uncomfortable.

"If she wants to stay…" Elliot said holding the door open for Eli.

Eli eyed her excitedly. "Please? Dad makes the best pancakes."

"Who said I'm making breakfast? It's my birthday," Elliot protested.

"But we're guests Dad," Eli argued tugging on his hand. "I can help."

"Well, I can't say no to pancakes," Olivia said and was rewarded with matching grins from junior and senior.

...

Twenty minutes later, Olivia held the door open for Elliot as he carried a slumbering Eli over the threshold. Elliot took the boy to his room, laying him on the bed. Olivia followed and placed the bag she carried on the dresser. She smiled as Elliot slipped the boy's shoes and socks off and tucked him under the covers. Eli roused slightly from being moved around.

"Are we home yet Dad?" He asked as he rolled over onto his side.

"Yeah we are," Elliot said as he pulled the sheet up to his chin.

"I have to show Olivia the picture Dad," Eli replied with a yawn but he made no move to get out of the bed, just snuggled further into his pillow.

"In the morning Buddy."

"Okay," he yawned again, his eyes drifting. "G'night Dad, Olivia."

"Goodnight Eli," Olivia said from where she stood in the doorway.

"Sweet dreams," Elliot said before pressing a kiss to his forehead.

Eli mumbled something Olivia couldn't quite discern before finally drifting off. Satisfied his son was finally asleep Elliot switched on the night light and gestured for Olivia to walk ahead of him to the living room, pulling the door to but not closing it all the way. He retrieved two beers from the fridge while she turned on the lamps in the living room and sat on the sofa, waiting for him. The cushions dipped as he sat next to her, passing her the beer.

"Thanks," Olivia said taking a sip.

"I'm sorry about Dick," Elliot told her.

"He was being honest, that's all we can ask of him," Olivia replied.

Elliot cleared his throat uncomfortably. "What did he say to you? Outside the restaurant."

Olivia contemplated him for a moment. "He asked me what was holding us back."

"Asked me the same thing," Elliot admitted forlornly. He rested his head on the back of the sofa, rolling it to the side to look at her. He searched her face, scrutinizing her. She recognised the look, the same one he got in interrogations when he was figuring out the line of questioning.

Olivia brought one leg up on to the sofa, folding it beneath the other and she faced him side on, her calf touching her outer thigh. Holding her beer in one hand she reached out with the other and lightly touched the closed fist on his leg, breathing a sigh of relief when he opened it to hers, allowing her slip her fingers between his. She felt the same tingling sensation she always felt when he rubbed his thumb across the back of her fingers.

"I never got the chance to answer."

"What would you have said?"

Olivia bit her lip gently. He looked at her so longingly, imploringly. He was willing her to answer. Stay not run. Asking her to trust him. "That the scariest thing is to give everything to someone." She took a deep breath, squeezing his hand. "I don't want to be scared anymore."

"We don't have to be." Elliot lifted her hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to it. "After all this time, we're still fighting how we feel about each other."

"We've waited long enough Elliot," Olivia whispered, her body leaning in of its' own accord. "We need to confront our fears." She tried not to quell the sudden rush of bravery.

Elliot puffed out a breath and it flowed across the skin of her hand. "I have been in love with you for a very long time. For most of that time I denied it, and then I fought it, and finally I accepted it."

Her thumb ran along his knuckles and she leant closer. His eyes peeking out over their joined hands.

"I love you too."

**Author Note – I know that I'm a tease, but their first time is not happening with Eli in the apartment. Also it was such an amazing response for the last chapter, thank you all for leaving comments and adding the story to your favourite and follow lists. I'm completely overwhelmed by your response; it means so much to me. If have a few moments to spare please let me know any comments you may have. **


	19. Chapter 19

Reconciliation – chapter nineteen

"_I never thought that this moment would come for me. My whole life has been shaped to protect me and keep my heart safe. I know that I'm about to change all of that and I should be terrified. I lean forward and brush my lips across his. The fact that the fear never comes."  
― __Devon Herrera__, __Sapphire Universe_

The kiss had started out as an affirmation of their confession, gentle, passionate, soft and loving. His hand cupped the back of her neck to hold her in place and he deepened it. She willingly melted in to him. It ended too soon for their liking when Elliot drew back when the need for air became a necessity. Their noses gently caressed and their foreheads touched. His eyes twinkled mischievously.

"I love you," he said quietly. "It feels good to finally say that."

Her head nodded in agreement. "It does."

Contentment settled over them as they huddled close on the sofa. Olivia leant in to place a small chaste kiss on his lips relishing the fact they were finally free to say those three words. For a long time she never thought it would be possible for them to be free of the restraints which held them back for so many years. She never thought they would get another chance after years of silence.

Elation and dread fought inside of her. Willing all thoughts of abandonment out of her head she tried to concentrate on Elliot. She knew deep down inside Elliot wouldn't risk confessing his feelings for her if he thought either of them would be going anywhere.

"I love you," Olivia told him, testing out the words.

She'd said them to others before and meant them. She meant them now but it felt a little strange to say them now after all being denied them for so long. She was taking a huge risk. Elliot was a risk. That didn't matter because Elliot was taking the risk with her. He was putting himself out there, trusting her with his heart. Knowing that cushioned her fear. They denied their feelings, fought them, and finally accepted them. Now they were able to act on them.

"As much as I would love to show you…" Elliot nodded towards the hallway. Eli.

"It's fine," Olivia said looking down at her hand running over his knee. She didn't want their first time interrupted by the little boy. She didn't want anything to hold them back. Raising her eyes she met his. "I said to call Kathy. Besides I'm looking forward to pancakes."

Elliot still looked apologetic. "He's got a birthday party lunch time on Sunday, so he's going home first thing."

"Sunday?" It was Olivia's turn to twinkle at the implication.

Elliot's thumb caressed her cheek as a smile blossomed on his face and he nodded slowly. "Sunday."

They leant towards the other. Their lips met lightly, confirming their want, their intention. Her hand moved higher, feeling his thigh muscle. His hand covered hers to still its' exploration.

"I can sleep on the sofa tonight," Elliot said. She could see the mirth in his eyes, knowing he was partly serious.

"You do and Sunday won't happen," Olivia replied squeezing his thigh.

…

On Sunday morning Olivia woke to the sound of Eli laughing from Elliot's living room. She rolled over to find Elliot's side of the bed empty. Olivia ran a hand across the sheets; they were cool to touch meaning he left the bed a while ago.

She had been such a light sleeper since her abduction she wondered how she could have missed him slipping from the bed. She had to admit the last two nights had been the best night's sleep she had gotten in a long time.

Aside from the emotional eruption during that first night at her apartment over a week ago, falling asleep with Elliot was an oddly comforting experience, during which her senses were highly attuned to every noise, smell, touch and taste, something which continued when he woke her the following morning. In the past it had always taken a while for her to get used to sharing a bed with someone. During sleep she had never been one for cuddling, preferring to keep to her own side of the bed, but she had to admit that she enjoyed waking to find Elliot curled into her back. Years of waking at the crack of dawn was ingrained in them but unlike being heralded out of sleep by the blaring of an alarm clock or the shrill ring of the phone Elliot eased her out of slumber by trailing indulgent kisses along her shoulder.

Even if she hadn't been woken up that way this morning Olivia felt more relaxed than she had in a while. Sighing happily, Olivia allowed herself to enjoy the sound of laughter which was coming from the other part of the apartment. After a few more minutes she glanced at her watch, her eyes widening when she saw it was almost nine o'clock. Eli would be going home soon.

Elliot was a great father. She'd seen glimpses of it over the years, but it was on Saturday morning when she walked out of Elliot's bedroom only to have to stifle her laughter at the sight of them covered in flour that she realised he was now had the time to enjoy it. He didn't have to run off in the middle of the night for a case, he didn't have to worry about the next perp who held a grudge. It was the most she fun she'd had in a long time. After a quick stop at her apartment for her to change and pick up some clothes to wear on Sunday, they spent Saturday in Central Park before going for ice cream in the afternoon. Watching Elliot and Eli interact was like living a well-guarded fantasy. Eli was so much like Elliot; sweet, cheeky, and stubborn.

Getting out of bed, Olivia decided to stay in the shirt Elliot leant her to sleep in and padded out to the living room. Eli sat on the stool at the breakfast counter, eating his cereal as Elliot watched him from the other side of the counter drinking his coffee. Obviously hearing her approach, Elliot wordlessly pulled a cup from the cupboard and made her a coffee.

"Hi Eli," Olivia said coming to a stop in front of Elliot. Accepting the coffee he gave her, she leant in to kiss him on the cheek.

Eli let out a little giggle at the gesture. "You two do that a lot," he told them.

"We do?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah," Eli nodded. "It's okay though," he added casually and carried on eating his cereal. The adults shared a look, hiding their laughter from the little boy.

"You didn't need to let me sleep so late," Olivia told Elliot, sobering.

"You don't rest enough," Elliot explained.

Olivia raised an eyebrow. It wasn't the first time she'd been told that this weekend. Fin had said the same thing when he thrust her bag at her early Friday evening, saying he could keep an eye on the unit for the weekend and he didn't want to see her until Monday morning. She'd only relented when he agreed to call if they needed her.

"Thank you," she said.

He leant in to speak into her ear, so Eli wouldn't hear. "Besides we won't be getting much later," he whispered before placing a kiss just below her ear. Pulling back he looked more bashful than he sounded and he clapped his hands together. "I'm going to grab a quick shower before driving Eli home to Queens."

Eli dropped the spoon. "I don't want to go home to Mom's yet," he argued.

Elliot turned to him. "You have to get ready for your friend's birthday party. Don't want to miss it do you?"

Eli frowned as he contemplated Elliot's question. Olivia half expected him to ask to stay, but relief flooded through her when he eventually shook his head.

"That's what I thought. Go get your stuff together and we'll go as soon as I'm out of the shower," Elliot said and Olivia felt bad for the disappointed look on Eli's face. "You know that you're coming back next weekend, don't you?"

"I am?" Eli brightened. Elliot nodded. "Yes!" Eli exclaimed with a little jump and ran down the hall to his room.

Olivia laughed quietly. "Impatient?" She questioned.

Elliot looked suitably embarrassed. "Do you blame me?"

"No," Olivia replied, licking her lower lip.

Elliot paused, following her action with his eyes. He resolutely turned his focus to her eyes and swallowed to clear his throat. "Do you want to come?"

"I, um," Olivia shook her head. While Kathy seemed understand about the progression of their relationship, she didn't want the other woman to think they were flaunting it in front of her.

Elliot seemed to understand what she was trying to say and kissed her on the forehead. "Wait for me here, I won't be long."

…

After Elliot left with Eli, Olivia ran a bath. Relaxing into the hot water, she allowed herself to relish the quiet time to deal with the tingling feeling that was building in the pit of her stomach. All of the anticipation, longing and happiness outweighed the small bit of dread. Dread that it wouldn't live up to the expectations. Willing those thoughts to the back of her mind, she concentrated on preparing for when Elliot came back.

Returning to his bedroom to get dressed, she smelt his cologne still lingering. Opening her bag she contemplated the choices she packed the day before, wondering what to wear. Her hand bypassed the sexy underwear, which could wait till another time, reaching for the plain instead. They would cover more, less scaring would be visible. They made her feel safer, braver about the situation, there was less pressure. They both knew what was going to happen once he returned.

Olivia paused as she looked in the bag again, looking between her jeans and tee shirt and the shirt Elliot leant her to sleep in, remembered the hunger in his expression on Friday night when she came into his room wearing it after changing in the bathroom, remembered his hand playing with the hem, sliding under it along her thigh briefly only to come straight back out when Eli knocked to announce he was awake on Saturday morning.

Walking to his dresser, she chose a fresh one and slipped her arms through the sleeves and did the buttons up in the front. Checking her reflection in the full length mirror in the hallway, she was quite pleased with the result.

Olivia returned to the living room only to walk back out again and back to Elliot's bedroom. Looking at the alarm clock she wondered when he would be back. She fluffed the pillows on the bed, straightened the covers and made sure all of her stuff was in her bag before sitting on the bed again. She crossed her feet at the ankle and then crossed them the other way. She was tired of waiting. Waiting meant there was time for the nerves to set in. Waiting meant there was time to rethink taking the next step.

Ten minutes later and she began to get restless, fluffing the pillows twice more and looking at the clock every few minutes. She was about to stand to start pacing when she heard the key slid into the lock. Her breath caught in her throat and she listened as Elliot entered the apartment.

"Liv?" He called.

"In here," she replied more bravely than she felt.

The door opened slowly and then Elliot was in the door way. His eyes landed on her feet at first, trailing up her legs leisurely and over the shirt to her face. When their eyes met it was as if all doubt melted away and there was a certainty within her, a new found confidence. There was no doubt, no worry, no fear, and no urge to flee the room or barricade Elliot out of it. Nothing was stopping them, not this time.

"Who's the impatient one now?" He asked cocking an eyebrow as he boldly allowed his gaze to drop to her long legs, indulging in the act which was once forbidden to him. She allowed the action, something which usually irked her when other men had tried to do it. She didn't need to worry about Elliot not respecting her, because she knew he did. But Elliot managed to pull it off in a way which was all him; a combination of endearing and entitlement. The expression that made her feel cherished.

Wordlessly she rose to her knees and moved to the foot of the bed as Elliot moved to meet her. His hands cupped her face and drew her to him to kiss her. Their lips met quickly, nudging softly against the others. Their nose nuzzled gently before closing the distance again, nudging twice more before Elliot captured her lower lip between.

Olivia moaned in appreciation and laid her palms on his chest either side of the buttons of his shirt. Her fingers found the top one and swiftly began undoing them, itching to reveal what was underneath. It had been something she'd dreamt about time and time again.

Elliot released her mouth with a laugh and she groaned at the loss, chasing his mouth with hers. He kept out of her reach playfully. She growled in return and continued undoing the buttons of his shirt as his chest shuddered with his laughter. Glancing up at him she found him watching her fondly and refused to be embarrassed by her impatience.

They leant in again, their kiss full of promise and love. Her fingers reached the last button and slipped it through its' hole and the shirt drifted apart. Pulling her lips away it was his turn to moan but her hands slid under the fabric of his shirt, travelling up along his muscles to his shoulders and easing it from his body.

She let out a breath as she took in the sight before her. Savouring the first time she could do so without having to hide her admiration, or without having to worry about his safety. Her arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him to her.

They smiled into each other's mouths, the kiss deepening immediately. Olivia shuffled backwards, urging him to follow. The mattress dipped as he placed one knee then the other on it and he moved with her until they were in the middle of the bed.

"I like this shirt," Elliot mumbled against her mouth as he tugged at the material of his shirt. "But it's coming off."

She laughed and he took the opportunity to start kissing her neck, sucking gently at her skin. Her head tilted up to give him better access. He moved over her, urging her to lie back on the bed. Elliot used one hand to hold himself up, to hover above her. His mouth moved lower, his teeth grazing her collarbone as the other hand found the top button of her shirt. His mouth followed his hand and he kissed each bit of skin which was revealed.

Olivia held her breath as he reached the scars that were still healing, waiting for him to react but he didn't, just kissed the corner of one and carried on his journey down to her navel. He balanced above her and she lifted her shoulders off the bed as he slipped the material off of her body. He studied her for a long moment, taking in every detail, looking at her like she was the most precious thing in the world to him.

A small voice in the back of her mind told her to cover up, but she ignored it. There was nowhere else to hide. Nothing else to hide. She didn't want there to be.

Elliot reached up and kissed her gently, softer than before. A hand reached behind her in search of her bra clasp and seconds later he was helping her out of it. His mouth descended on the upper curve of her breast tenderly before moving lower to capture a nipple.

Olivia shut her eyes at the sensation as he thoroughly explored her. All of her senses were heightened and seemed attuned to one thing; Elliot. His mouth, tongue, teeth and hands seemed like they were everywhere at once and all she could do was feel.

His finger slipped under the waist band of her underwear and she lifted her hips to aid him in rolling them down her legs. Her foot twitched when she felt his lips at her ankle and the anticipation built as he made his way back up her legs to her core.

He built her up slowly with his tongue, bringing her to the brink several times but not quite letting her reach her peak until she growled in frustration. His responding chuckle vibrated on her inner thigh causing a tingle to pass through her already sensitive skin. He returned to his task with purpose this time and soon she was biting her lip to stop the scream of her release from escaping.

Olivia didn't register Elliot kissing his way up her body as she came down from her climax but the next thing she knew was his lips were on hers and he was settling between her thighs. She had no idea when he shed his trousers and underwear.

He pulled back to look at her, silently asking her permission to continue. She granted it by shifting her hips to meet him and he slipped inside. He began to thrust into her and she pulled him down to her so she could kiss him.

"I love you," she said against his mouth.

He kissed her hard, his movements building momentum. Her leg hooked over his, encouraging him deeper. Hi hands braced either side of her arms and her neck craned with him until they disconnected and they stared at each other as he moved within her.

"I love you," he panted out, dipping to capture her lips quickly.

Olivia sighed into him as she felt his fingertips touch her where they were joined. Her muscles began to spasm and he began to move quicker. His finger pressed more insistently against her and her orgasm crashed over her and she contracted around him. He joined her in her climax and he spilled inside of her.

Elliot rolled off her and lay beside her, panting for breath and she automatically followed him, curling into his side for his warmth. His arm wrapped around her, holding her in place as their heart beats calmed. His lips touched her forehead lightly.

"I love you," he whispered.

Rolling onto him further, Olivia tilted her head to kiss his jaw. "I love you too." 

**Author Note – I had every intention of having this up earlier in the week, but I got 'distracted' with another story while looking for a quote for this chapter on Monday. Also, first week back at work and I'm working six out of seven days so there hasn't been much time to write. Anyway I hope you enjoyed the chapter – I hope I've done justice to the build-up. Please let me know any comments you have, good or bad.**


	20. Chapter 20

Reconciliation – chapter twenty

'_Don't let the sadness of your past or the fear of the future ruin the happiness of your present' - Unknown_

Olivia jolted out of sleep, gasping for air. Her body lifted of the mattress and she panted, looking around to figure out her unfamiliar surroundings. Her panic began to subside as her eyes adjusted to the darkness and she saw the outline of the furniture in Elliot's bedroom.

Her heartbeat stilled raced, the nightmare fresh in her mind. She could feel the sweat on her skin and she began to breathe deeply to avoid it becoming a full blown panic attack. She brought her knees up to her chest and rested her forearms on them, bowing her head as she concentrated on her breathing.

The bed covers shifted and she looked under her arm to find Elliot staring back at her. It was the first nightmare she had with him in bed with her. Their eyes locked and she saw his worry and concern. He moved deliberately so not to spook her and sat up. Olivia blinked slowly before lifting her head. Elliot moved closer to her, maintaining eye contact, ready to back off if she balked.

"I'm fine Elliot," she said despite leaning in backwards towards him. He took her subtle movement as a signal to close the distance between them, sitting close enough their arms brushed. She rested her chin on her upper arm, watching him stare back at her. She wasn't fine, he knew she wasn't.

He sighed and the backs of his fingers brushed the back of her shirt tentatively. She moved backwards, pressing against his hand until he opened it fully and rested his palm against the small of her back, warmth spreading through her. Olivia concentrated on his face, his soft expression, his concern, his strength as he supported her. He wouldn't cross any boundaries until she said he could. His presence calmed her and she felt her heartbeat relaxing, pushing the memory of those monsters away. Protecting her.

"It's the first one I've had in a while," she said trying to reassure them both, wondering if that made it better or worse. It didn't work on either of them and Elliot pressed his hand more firmly against her as he leant closer. She could sense that he wanted to say something but he was holding back. "What?"

Elliot looked unsure for a moment, scared almost as he considered how to answer. She could see something was bothering him. Slowly he shook his head, deciding against voicing whatever it was. Olivia frowned and straightened her back, a movement which brought them even closer.

"What is it Elliot?"

He swallowed the lump in his throat before clearing it uncomfortably. He stroked her back lightly a couple of times, sighing. "This isn't your only reaction to it," he admitted reluctantly.

Instantly her back stiffened and she knew why he had been unwilling to confess it. She knew he noticed her new habit, but he hadn't commented on it. Till now. It was her turn to sigh and she looked away briefly in a vain attempt to find something else to distract her. She found nothing.

"Liv," Elliot said quietly, imploring her to face him, to talk to him.

"I don't want to talk about it," Olivia said as she faced him. Talking about it would mean going through it again, re-living it again. She had already calmed down; she didn't want to get worked up again.

She expected him to insist, but instead he placed a kiss to her forehead, his lips resting against her skin a beat longer than necessary, silently supporting her. There was part of her brain that was telling her to run, to pull away from him. Flashes of the nightmare spun in her head and she wriggled away from him, slipping out of the bed to pace the small space between the bed and the window. Elliot made no attempt to move, but she could feel his eyes follow her.

"I need to deal with this on my own," Olivia insisted without looking at him.

"I understand that, but I want you to know that I'm here for you."

Her arms crossed over her chest protectively and she wanted to dive back under the covers from the sudden cold feeling. She wanted to get over this. She knew there would be nightmares, but she didn't want them to encroach here, not with Elliot, not in his bed. She didn't want to bring him into the nightmare with her. She needed to do this alone, didn't want to give in to the urge to draw from his strength and support. That wasn't who she was. He knew that.

"I know you need to do this on your own but…" Elliot trailed off as he moved to the edge of the bed, the fabric sliding with him.

"Please Elliot," she shook her and he paused just as he started to brace himself on the edge of the mattress, just about to stand. He relaxed his stance and sank back down into the bed. She studied him for a long moment, his resigned posture. He looked back at her, watching her closely. She took note of the restraint in his eyes. She knew how much he wanted to make things better for her; he would do it for anyone, it's who he was. But it was because he knew who she was that he was holding himself back, scared she would run.

Olivia didn't want to run from him, she trusted him to help her through this. Pausing she turned to face him fully, watch his hands rub together nervously in his lap. His surprise showed when she stepped into him, his legs opening automatically to make room for her. Olivia ran a hand around his neck and cupped the back of his head, urging him to look up at her as his hands tentatively rested on the curve of her hips. She gave him a quick peck on his lips, feeling better when he returned it.

Olivia sighed. "It wasn't just Lewis," she whispered.

Elliot craned his head to meet her eyes. His eyes narrowed. "Harris?"

Her eyes widened. "You know about Harris?"

Elliot gave a quick nod. "I don't know the details, but I know something happened. I also know it didn't really hit you till months later," Elliot admitted, maintaining eye contact to gage her reaction.

She shrugged off his hands and stepped back in confusion. Olivia stepped back and started to gather her clothes that were on the chair in the corner. She needed to go home, suddenly overwhelmed by his admission. He knew more than she thought. He'd seen through her lie back then. She needed to get out, put some space between them. She needed some air.

It wasn't that she felt betrayed, but she needed time to deal with his admission. She would give anything to rewind the last few minutes and get back into bed with him. She had been comfortable with him here, now she couldn't get away quickly enough. Just like Lewis had destroyed the sanctuary of her old apartment, the memory of him and Harris had done the same to this.

Elliot stood from the bed and approached her from behind. "Liv," he said apologetically.

Olivia felt him close to her but she shook her head again, hastily putting on her jeans. She undid the buttons of the shirt she wore and discarded it onto the chair as she swapped it for the shirt she wore earlier. "Why didn't you say something?" She asked pulling the garment over her head.

"The same reason I haven't said anything till now," Elliot sighed. "You are dealing with it in your own way, because that's what you needed to do. But that doesn't mean that I won't worry about you."

She didn't look at him as she strode from the room, into the hallway and grabbed her shoes. Lifting one leg she put on one boot and fastened it then did the same with the other leg.

"Where are you going?" Elliot asked.

"I need to go home."

"It's two thirty in the morning," he sighed, rubbing his temples.

She ignored him and pulled on her jacket and reached for the door handle. She turned the handle and went to open it but his hand moved between her and the door and pushed it shut. "Elliot," Olivia pleaded.

Elliot moved to stand against the side of the door, half blocking her retreat. "You asked me to stop you from running if you tried," he reminded her.

"I need some space, stop crowding me," she ground out taking half a step back.

"Don't go," Elliot told her softly.

Olivia shook her head.

"We won't talk about it, but stay," he tried again. "Please Liv, don't go. Don't walk away from me."

A couple of retorts to that last part passed through her mind but she didn't voice them. She didn't want to argue with him or take shots at him; she was too tired to do it, too emotional to let it happen. She shut her eyes briefly, willing the emotions in her to calm. "I need to go." She reopened her eyes and met his again. "You knew," she accused. "And now I'm rethinking everything."

"I don't know the details," Elliot rectified.

Her frown deepened, that wasn't what she wanted to hear and from his expression he realised that. "And I don't want you too," Olivia replied. "I can't…He was the one who came closest until Lewis." She paused. "Just let me go Elliot." She hated the whine in her voice.

They stared at each other for a long moment, locked in a stand-off. Olivia didn't feel better when she saw his silent surrender. "Fine," he hung his head but he didn't move out of her way. "But I'll drive you home."

**Author Note – I was watching an episode last week where Olivia was beginning to feel the after-effects of the Harris attack and she was comparing herself to the victim. There was a moment between her and Elliot which I think implied he knew or at least suspected what had happened and he was trying to convince her not to let the same thing happen to her. I can't remember the episode, sorry, I think it was season ten. Um, I would love to know any thoughts you may have…**


	21. Chapter 21

Reconciliation – chapter twenty one

'_Rewinding__ time is not possible, but do-overs are, sometimes we get another chance to do something right the second time that we got wrong the first time__' - __Rashida Rowe_

Elliot pulled to a stop over the road from her building. He turned the ignition off and took the keys out, dropping his hand to his lap. Neither of them moved to take their seatbelts off. The sound of their breathing filled the car and they were at a loss as to what to say. The drive from his apartment to hers had been silent; in fact neither of them had said anything since Elliot insisted on driving her home.

Unable to take the tension anymore, Olivia looked at him to see him staring dejectedly through the windscreen. She huffed in disappointment quietly, but she had no idea what to say, had no idea what she wanted him to say, if she wanted him to say anything at all. She didn't want to make things worse. She reached to undo her seatbelt before pulling the door handle. "I'll give you a call," she said weakly as she glanced up and down the road before getting out.

Olivia shut the door behind her and without looking back she hurried across the street. She made it to her stoop before she heard him opening the door and following her, but she continued on and pulled open the door before he spoke.

"Liv, wait," Elliot called as increased his momentum to catch up to her.

She turned in the doorway, propping the door open with her back as she waited for him to come closer. Elliot stopped in front of her, taking in her tired posture as she slumped against the door waiting for him to say whatever it was he wanted to tell her.

Determination set in his expression he regarded her for a moment. "Let me stay," Elliot told her.

Olivia shook her head in response. "Elliot…" she drawled out. "I wanted some time."

"No," he argued. From the look on his face it was more forceful than he intended it to be. He reached out to touch her arm. "You always shut everyone out because you've always been alone, it's all you've ever known," Elliot stated gently. His voice was accepting, understanding, not judging. He stepped forward watching her closely. "But you're not alone anymore."

Olivia looked back at him, completely overwhelmed by the last hour. She wanted to believe him, she really did. But then there was the part of her that desperately wanted to cling to that independent part of her, afraid what consequences there would be from allowing him to shoulder some of her emotional demons.

"Elliot," she sighed. "I just-" Olivia stumbled over her words. "It's a shock that you knew, I didn't want anyone to know."

"I understand that, but what would you have done if I had told you I knew there was more to it than you were saying?"

Olivia kept eye contact, remembering that time in their lives. They were finally getting their rhythm back. He was right, if he had come to her back then she would have shut him out, pushing herself further into denial that anything wrong, and she may not have gotten the help she needed back then. It would have made everything awkward again. Just like it was now. She sighed.

"What would have changed? What would have been different?" Elliot asked already knowing what the answer would be; he could read it in her expression of defeat. He took another half step into her personal space.

She had to lift her head a little to look at him, but she didn't step away from him. It would have changed the way she thought he perceived her, would have changed their dynamic which was why she didn't tell him all those years ago. Part of the problem Olivia had with his confession was she had been wrong about how he would react. Olivia assumed Elliot would have gone off the handle. But Elliot had known and restrained himself, because he knew what it would have done to her. He had stepped back for her, given her the time to heal herself. He'd let her think he didn't know because that was what she wanted, what she needed.

Unlike those moments after breaking free from the bonds Lewis had tethered her with, she had been worried about how Elliot would react to her, to Harris. She didn't want him to lash out and do something that both of them would regret. While it didn't make it easier to comprehend, Harris would have done what he had done to her to any other inmate, whereas Lewis tailored his torture to her as his victim. He made it personal. He had done what he could to inflict the most damage, trying to break her psychologically before doing so physically.

Olivia had no choice in people knowing what Lewis had done to her, had no choice in how they reacted to her after they found out it had happened. Her abduction, the ensuing manhunt and trial had been public with her own actions being called into question. She'd clung to that choice with Harris, a secret which was kept for her by Fin. Olivia's tried and tested method of shutting people out to cope was warring against her desire to let Elliot in. Elliot knowing was different from everyone else, because he was more aware of her. It amplified everything. Head versus heart. Her head had always won, proving to be a barrier between her heart and more emotional upheaval. Telling him to go would cause her more pain than if she let him stay. She wanted to let him comfort her.

She stepped backwards into the lobby, holding the door open for him, silently imploring him to follow her. Though he didn't smile Elliot's relief showed as he stepped through the threshold and followed Olivia through the lobby. She bypassed the elevator, taking the stairs as Elliot trailed behind her closely but he wasn't crowding her.

Soon Olivia was sliding the key into the lock of her door and letting them into the apartment. Olivia flicked the hall light on as she hung her jacket on the hook while Elliot shut and locked the door behind them. He had slung on a sweatshirt over his tee shirt and sweats before driving them from his place.

Their eyes met for the first time since they left the lobby and Olivia almost lost herself in his soft, understanding expression, it amazed her when she saw the fear there too. She took some comfort in that as well. He was scared she was going to shut him out, neither of them wanted that. But if they were going to move forward they needed to confront this, even if it broke their hearts.

Thinking back over the evening, Olivia realised Elliot hadn't pushed her to talk. He wanted to stop her from running. He was fighting for her. He was fighting for them without pressuring her. Her lips lifted to encourage him. Her heart warmed when he returned the gesture and stepped into her, his hand moving to cup the back of her neck as he kissed her forehead. Olivia relaxed for the first time since she had woken up as his lips touched her skin, melting into him.

Elliot slipped his hand down her back, holding her to him. Olivia slid her arms around his waist. His chest expanded as he breathed deeply.

"I understand that you're doing what you need to do," Elliot said against her skin. "I'm here for you to talk to if you want to talk."

Olivia withdrew from him. "I'm not the only one who doesn't share Elliot," she told him. "You didn't talk to me either."

"Are we keeping score?" Elliot asked wearily.

"No," Olivia sighed. "But I think if we're going to get past this, if we're going to make this work, then it goes both ways."

He held her gaze for a long moment before he raised his hands to rest on his hips, surprised and thrown by her request. They couldn't start again, that would be impossible. But they could avoid the same mistakes they made in the past. Olivia stood still, waiting for him to respond. Nearly an hour ago Elliot had been the one who was frightened that Olivia would leave him, now she was challenging him to hold on to them, hold on to her. He couldn't expect something from her that he wasn't willing to give in return. Olivia had depended on Elliot for a long time, but he had never truly allowed himself to depend on her, not fully anyway. His continued silence started to scare her. She began to panic when his eyes dropped to the floor.

Sighing in defeat she started to turn towards her bedroom, unwilling to let him see how annoyed and upset she was when he couldn't agree to her condition, disheartened by his quick change of mind. Anger, sadness and jealousy flared in her heart as she strode away from him. Elliot had finally gotten to the stage where he could open up to Kathy but they were still going around in this perpetual circle they had been in for the last sixteen years. This was what she had been scared of when they first reunited all those months ago. If they couldn't do this, her heart would be broken all over again.

Olivia made it through the living room before she heard him begin to move. Towards her. Her heartbeat quickened but she continued to walk to her bedroom. Her hand curled around the handle, and she turned it half way when she heard him stop behind her, his chest bumping her back. Her hand stilled its' movement.

"What do you want to know?" Elliot asked solemnly, leaning over her shoulder so his breath swept over her ear as he spoke.

Olivia bit her lip, barely suppressing the shudder that ran through her. She turned to face him. As soon as she was Elliot stepped into her, pressing her up against the door, preventing her from running. He moved deliberately and gently as he leant in to place a chaste kiss on her lips. His lips left hers too soon, but he rested his forehead against hers.

"I love you. We can make this work. We just need to trust each other," Elliot whispered.

Olivia nuzzled her nose against his, taking a moment to treasure the embrace. "I love you too."

**Author Note – I appreciate all of the support from everyone who has been following the story and are keeping with it. I've been a bit frustrated and I want to say a special thanks to those who have supported me through it. Let me know what you think.**


	22. Chapter 22

Reconciliation – chapter twenty two

'_I__ am not a believer in love at first sight. For love, in its truest form, is not the thing of starry-eyed or star-crossed lovers, it is far more organic, requiring nurturing and time to fully bloom, and, as such, seen best not in its callow youth but in its wrinkled maturity__' - __Unknown_

It was almost four in the morning, but if they didn't talk this through now they would never sort this out. This wasn't a conversation for them to have in her bedroom. After Elliot had released her, they had relocated to the living room. Olivia sat on the sofa. Opposite her Elliot sat on the coffee table, his legs framed hers. She wondered if he was boxing her in again to stop her from fleeing but she found a little reassurance in his body language. Elliot's hands rested on his knees nervously, brushing against her legs when he shifted them every few seconds. He was unsure about this too.

She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. Olivia had no idea where to start, wondered if she should go first or wait for him. They both had so much they wanted to know about the other. She wasn't naïve to think they could fix everything with one conversation. She didn't expect him to tell her everything, but they could promise each other to keep working at being open with one another.

"What do you want to know Liv?" Elliot asked, taking the lead.

She licked her suddenly dry lips, contemplating the enormity of that question. She searched his face for some sort of answer but he was unreadable. She thought about easing in to it, but that wasn't how they operated.

"Why didn't you talk to me about Jenna? And don't tell me it was about keeping me out of IAB's focus, because we both know that's bull."

Elliot's eyes softened and he absentmindedly caressed the side of her knee through the fabric of her trousers with the fingertips of his right hand. She was oddly comforted by the action which was familiar and intimate but completely new at the same time. Elliot sighed.

"I killed that girl and I got away with it," he said. "And I didn't know how to deal with that. She and her mother had gone through so much and we failed them when her mother was murdered. I know that you were feeling the same way when we found out her mother was dead. Then you switched gears and did what you always did – protected the victim, looked after them. You were in contact with Jenna, kept her updated. You made sure she was okay, you worried about her, and you had the connection with her. I couldn't talk to you about shooting her when I was comparing her to you."

Olivia frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Her mother was raped," Elliot took a deep breath to calm his erratic heartbeat, worried about revealing his reasoning. "She died because she was standing up to her attacker. She died without getting the justice she deserved, just like your mother. And all I could think about after I shot Jenna was how she reminded me of you."

Olivia sat up straighter. Her hand covered his on her leg and intertwined their fingers. His eyes dropped to them. "Elliot," she said gently to bring his attention back to her. "I never walked in to a police station with the intention of killing someone."

"What if your father had been alive when you found Simon?"

"Elliot, I don't know what I would have done because he wasn't alive. I wish that I could have gotten justice for my mother and myself. I hate him for what he did to her." She paused to make sure her next words registered with him. "Jenna was grieving. She made the choice to buy that gun; she walked into the station with the intention of using it if she had the chance."

"Because we never protected them, because we couldn't prevent her mother from being killed. I aimed for her shoulder-"

"She was moving Elliot," Olivia ground out, stressing the point. "If she wasn't you would have been on target."

"I know, I realise that now," Elliot sighed as he ran a hand over his mouth. "I didn't back then though. After the shooting I didn't sleep for about a week. I would just lay on the couch for a couple of hours before pacing the house. The first night I slept I had the first nightmare about it, and it was just how it happened. I took the shot, and then I was kneeling over her, applying pressure to the wound. I looked up at you as you were doing the same to Sister Peg, and when I looked back down," his voice broke as he trailed off and he shuddered as he tried to regain some composure. His eyes screwed shut and with his free hand he pinched the bridge of his nose.

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat and tightened her hold on his hand. Her other hand slid over his knee to offer some comfort. He let out a quiet gasp and his eyes popped open and his hand dropped. Elliot pulled their joined hands to his mouth and placed a quick kiss on hers.

"When I looked back down, I didn't see Jenna, I saw you," he whispered against the back of her hand. "It kept having the same nightmare. It got to the point where it wasn't just when I tried sleeping but every time I closed my eyes. All I would see was you lying in a pool of blood. I couldn't face that anymore, so I gave up on sleep. Kathy was worried, but I couldn't talk to her about it. When she asked me to talk to you, I thought about it I really did. I couldn't bring myself to burden you with that."

Watching the emotions play across his face, she realised he was reliving that time. She wanted to bring him back to the present, back to her. "Elliot," Olivia said almost pleadingly, worried.

He sat up straighter, registering her voice. Their hands dropped to his lap. Elliot blinked his eyes rapidly a few times before snapping to hers. "I couldn't burden you with this Liv, I couldn't ruin your life anymore."

Olivia shook her head. "Never think like that Elliot. If anything you made it better."

Elliot sighed. She knew he wanted to argue with her, but he was choosing not to and changed the subject. "When Tucker called me in, I was sure they were going to charge me. I would have," he gave a self-depreciating laugh. "When they cleared me, all I could think was they had made the wrong decision. The next thing I knew Tucker was outlining my reinstatement, the testing I would need to go through to get my job back. I didn't want my job back. Apart from the fact that I never would have passed those tests, I couldn't do it anymore. Not when I had to watch more innocent lives get devastated every day."

Olivia wiped the corner of her eye to stop the tears from teetering over the rim. She never really comprehended what he had felt back then. Several things passed through her mind to say to him but she didn't want to break his train of thought.

"The insomnia made it worse and I wasn't thinking straight. In the back of my mind I knew I would have felt better if I talked to you. I just, I was just," he paused cautiously. "I was selfish and I didn't want to feel better. I wanted to hold onto that guilt for a while."

"Did that ever pass?" Olivia asked. She already knew the answer. She had witnessed his new quirks too. But she needed to hear him say it.

"Not really," Elliot admitted with a shake of his head. "It got better, but it never completely goes away. I thought about coming to see you after it faded, but after a few sessions with Hendrix I realised what a huge mistake I made by not saying anything. And I wanted to fix myself before I saw you again. Two months became a year, then eighteen months. The nightmares had stopped and Hendrix suggested monthly sessions instead of weekly. I thought about coming to see you then, but I thought better off it. You were taken by Lewis a week later. Then the nightmare started again."

"And you started seeing Hendrix regularly again."

Elliot nodded. "She rang me first actually and asked me if I wanted to come in. Kathleen had to come with me; she got me through that week. She's been to a few of my sessions with me, I think that's why she came to you."

"When did it stop?"

"After the trial," Elliot answered automatically. "I don't have the nightmare that often, actually I haven't had it since I saw you that first time. I'm sorry it took me so long to come back to you."

"All that matters is that you're back now," she replied without hesitation. He was back in her life. No matter how much it had hurt to watch him leave four years ago, she wouldn't have changed anything because of what they had now. They were free to be honest with one another. They were free to love each other.

"It took me a long time to realise that we're going to have nightmares, we're going to react to what we've seen and been through. It took even longer to accept that other people don't expect us to be unaffected by what we've seen, or get used to it over time. They don't expect us to be the same person we were before we took that job."

"What about you?"

"What about me?" Elliot asked, confused.

Her throat bobbed as she swallowed and she bowed her head, finding a spot on the carpet to study, anything other than his penetrating stare, anything to keep him from looking her in the eye. "When you look in the mirror do you expect to see the person you were before you joined the unit?"

Olivia heard him sigh and his hand released hers. He reached up, tucking his curled index finger under her chin and he tenderly lifted her head to meet his gaze, holding her there gently.

"What I see is someone who is twenty years older, someone whose knee is shot to hell, and someone who understands too much about the monsters who lurk in the dark," Elliot said. "I have nightmares too Liv, I have those monsters in my head too. Maybe it's time that we fight them together." He paused. "Talk to me Liv."

**Author Note – Oh wow, a huge thanks to everyone who is sticking with the story. I continue to be amazed by the support from everyone. **


	23. Chapter 23

Reconciliation – chapter twenty three

'_So hold her closer when she cries, hold her closer when she feels. She needs a hand to hold, someone who will never let her go again. And hold him closer when he tries to hold the tears back from his eyes. Don't say goodbye.__'_

_Blessid Union of Souls _

"Talk to me Liv," Elliot urged again when she didn't answer him.

"About what?" Olivia asked. She wasn't trying to be flippant, but after what he had confessed she would tell him whatever he wanted to know. She wanted to draw from the strength he had shown her during his admission. She wasn't as nervous as she thought she would be about being open with him, her fear was reliving those moments she thought she had put behind her. "About Harris? About Lewis?"

"Let's start with Harris," Elliot replied.

Olivia nodded shakily. They had talked about Lewis a few times; he knew what had happened during her abduction so she wasn't surprised by his choice. Elliot hadn't pushed her to talk; it was her choice to tell him. It was easier that he already knew about Lewis' abduction and attack, whereas until a couple of hours ago he only suspected about Harris. She breathed in deeply, once, twice, and then met his resolute stare.

"He dragged me down to the basement and I began to panic." Olivia licked her lips and she itched to push Elliot out of the way so she could pace the room. "He shoved me onto a mattress which they kept down there, and I started screaming for help. It was such a long way down, nobody could hear me but I was still screaming."

Olivia's knees began to bounce as she started to become agitated. Elliot glanced at them but made no move to stop her. Despite telling others, giving her statement to Cragen when it first happened, she still had problems describing the attack. Especially with the intensified emotions which were flowing around them tonight. Olivia dropped her head just in time to see Elliot's hands flex and clench. Her legs stilled as she studied his strong hands as they hung down the side of his legs, veins popping out, the skin stretching across his knuckles. She'd seen him do it hundreds of times when he was frustrated or angry, but she had never been as fascinated by it as she was in that second. He was controlling his temper. He was resisting his natural instincts as a protector. She knew he wanted to make this better for her, find a way to fix it. He couldn't. He may have listened to hundreds of other victim's recount their attacks but it never got easier. But she wasn't just another victim. And he wasn't acting as a detective right now; he was listening to his lover as she described someone sexually assaulting her.

"He undid my cuffs and I was able to hit him and get away for a few minutes. I hid and he was talking to me, his baton was scraping along the metal bars as he looked for me. I could hear him getting closer."

Her heartbeat was racing and she shook her head to clear it. The sound of the baton as it swept across metal reverberated through her mind. It was that grating sound which had haunted her after the attack, the beginning of the flash backs. Her head shook forcefully to block it out. "I tried to fight back, it didn't work," her voice croaked and she swallowed deeply, forcing the lump down. "But he found me and he…"

She trailed off and her breathing quickened. Her chest moved in and out. Adrenaline coursed through her and she felt the beads of sweat start to form at the base of her neck. She wasn't getting enough air, she felt suffocated. Everything was too close for her. Elliot, her memories.

Suddenly she shifted backwards landing on the cushions of the sofa, her chest heaving as she sucked in air rapidly. She blinked quickly before finally meeting Elliot's gaze. He hadn't wavered, was still focusing on her. He wasn't going to say anything which he thought would disrupt her train of thought, anything to that would prevent her from opening up to him. He was silently willing her to continue, letting her do this in her own way. His body moved forward an inch but he paused. He wouldn't touch her beyond the soft touch of his hand on the outside of her leg which was down to their proximity rather than being deliberate. Her panic subsided a little and her breathing began to even out and she straightened her back as sat up.

"I was begged him to stop, telling him that I'd do anything," she looked away, ashamed by how her bargaining sounded outside of that setting. She studied Elliot, trying to see his reaction. But his expression didn't change, he didn't falter in his encouragement. "I managed to run again when he went to grab me, but he'd locked the door. I was pulling it, banging for someone to notice. He came up behind me and he cuffed me to the bars so I couldn't run again," she licked her lips.

"He pushed me down and was undoing his pants. He grabbed my hair and pulled me to him…Then Fin was there, pulling him off of me, and holding him back," she continued almost mechanically, trying to distance herself emotionally, rushing slightly to get it over with.

As soon as she finished speaking Olivia slumped, the cushions conforming to her body. She stayed silent as the adrenaline of retelling and reliving the attack ebbed away and was slowly replaced with some semblance of relief. There was also a spark of accomplishment that she had managed to tell him without giving into the impulse to run, but it dwindled quickly. Elliot sat back too, rubbing a hand over his mouth wearily, looking away briefly. He breathed deeply himself and she could see the moisture building in his eyes. She watched the contrasting emotions sweep across his features; anger, frustration, relief, regret. He had questions and she knew he was second guessing how to voice them.

"What?" Olivia asked, stealing herself for whatever he had to say.

His eyebrow bent silently checking if she was sure she wanted to know. She nodded almost imperceptibly and he sighed. He averted his gaze briefly and he cleared his throat. "I hate that you felt like you couldn't talk to me back then. I mean I know why you didn't want to but I just wish…" He trailed off when she nodded her head. He didn't have to finish.

His face softened when she slipped her hand into his and he squeezed it. She gripped his hand and used it to pull herself forward. Their hands stayed interlocked and she was glad for the contact. They were both too raw for to hold each other and they still had a lot to talk about. But it was something and Olivia took it as a sign that they could get through this.

Elliot sighed again, his face falling. "You said it was both of them," he told her quietly.

Her eyes snapped up. "What?"

"Your nightmare," he explained. "You said it was both of them."

Olivia's throat bobbed as she swallowed the lump which formed quickly. "Yeah," she said breathily. In all the confessions tonight she had forgotten what had awoken them from their slumber. It had been the similarities in the attacks which stuck out from her dream. In her head she heard the clanking of the baton as it slid across the metal bars. Her shoulders jerked as she shook her head.

"I uh," she sighed. "The attacks melded in my head, they weren't together. At first I was back in the house with Lewis and he threw me on the bed, securing me with the cuffs. I shut my eyes and when I opened them I was back in the basement and Harris was cuffing me to the bars. I shut my eyes again and Lewis was opening his trousers. The next time I blinked it was Harris standing over me."

She remembered waking at the sound of their zippers being dragged down, the sound amplified in slow motion in her dream. It was at that moment she had jolted back into consciousness nearly three hours ago because of it. "Then I was awake," she told Elliot simply.

"They stole something from me, and I didn't know how to handle it," she went on. They had robbed her of her sense of control. She had lost grip on her ability to compartmentalise for a while and it took everything in her to fight to finally get it back. "It made me realise that the job we do isn't enough. We tell victims to get help, we try to help them but sometimes it isn't enough. I know first-hand what a victim goes through after the investigation ends and we go to trial. If they can't get past what's in here," she tapped the side of her head with her free hand. "Then their attackers have really won."

Glancing over Elliot's shoulder she looked through the window to see the pink hue start to rise in the horizon. She felt wide awake despite only a few hours' sleep. Her nightmare, while she didn't want it, had served a purpose of pushing this conversation. Something that needed to happen for them to move forward.

"Are you?" Elliot asked gently.

Olivia eyes focused on him, shuffling closer with a neutral expression on her face. "I'm getting there," she admitted. "What about you?"

"Yeah," he drawled out softly.

They weren't the same people who had been partnered together sixteen years ago. They had both come such a long way since that fateful day four years ago. They had begun to heal before they found each other again. Now it was time for them to heal together.

"Elliot," she whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Hold me."

…

TWO YEARS LATER

The wedding had been beautiful.

Despite some awkward moments it had been an amazing day; one she never thought would come. She had been nervous, walking down the aisle, people watching her. They had been planning it for months. Now that the ceremony was out of the way the reception was in full swing, everyone was able to relax.

Olivia laughed as she was spun away from her dance partner, only to be drawn back to him. He held her in his arms as they moved around the floor, taking care to avoid the other couples as they swayed to the music. Dick gripped her waist and guided her past Lizzie and Eli as they danced beside them.

She sent a quick smile to the little boy who was giggling at his older sister who danced with him standing on her feet. They twirled past and Olivia raised her head. She felt someone watching her and she automatically found Elliot's gaze over Dick's shoulder.

There was twinge in her heart as she watched him dance with Kathy. But she couldn't bring herself to feel jealous today. He may have been holding Kathy but his focus was on her. Olivia could see Kathy talking to him as he stared bashfully at her, his piercing blues eyes twinkling under the lights.

A short distance away their eldest daughter danced with her new husband.

"Are you having fun Olivia?" Dick asked quietly.

Olivia nodded, returning her focus to Dick. "I am. When did you learn to dance?"

"Well, when you grow up with three sisters, you pick up a thing or two. By the way Eli wanted ask you to dance but he was too shy to ask his step mom to do it."

Olivia blushed. "I'm not his step mom," she replied.

Dick shook his head. "Just because Dad hasn't put a ring on your finger yet, doesn't mean you're not his step mom. At least that's what Mom told him when he did his family tree project."

Olivia felt the blush grow and she averted her eyes to look over his shoulder again. "Yet?" She questioned timidly.

"You know that he's trying to build up the courage to ask you, don't you?" Dick told her conspiratorially.

Olivia did know.

After that fateful night two years ago she and Elliot had grown closer and stronger. They still had nightmares. He would wrap her in his embrace, holding onto her till her tears subsided and she would sit up with him when he couldn't sleep. They spoke and listened when they needed to, neither holding back, their penchant for avoidance dissipated soon after they moved in together.

As Maureen's wedding drew closer Olivia realised out what he was planning, had no idea when he would do it but knew he was planning it. Something clicked in her head and she knew. Maybe it had been when he sat her down for the fifteenth time to listen to him practice his speech, or how his adoring look he fixed her with never diminished when he described falling in love. The same one he gave her with every time he told her.

She watched him walk Maureen down the aisle today. His love and pride for his children shone clearly to all who witnessed it.

Olivia was constantly surprised by the acceptance shown to her by Kathy and Elliot's children. Dick warmed up to the idea of her and Elliot being together. He was honest and genuine with them, and that's all she wanted. She felt slightly out of place amongst Kathy's relatives, but Olivia had been shocked when she had gone to sit a couple of rows from the front of the church only to be dragged by Kathy to the front and the other woman beamed kindly as she told Olivia to sit next to Eli, with Dick on the other side of him. Kathy sat next to the aisle, leaving a space between them for Elliot to sit after he performed his duty as father of the bride. It was only when he took his place between them and his hand curled around hers that she truly relaxed and stopped feeling like she was intruding on their family.

Olivia lifted her head again and instantly locked gazes with Elliot. He smiled at her and she returned it. Kathy stopped talking, obviously expecting an answer from Elliot. When she didn't get it she followed his gaze and laughed gently, saying something to him which made him blush. Olivia watched as they released and walked over to her and Dick. Olivia stepped back from Dick.

"Mind if we cut in?" Kathy asked holding her hand out to her son.

Dick let out a snicker. "Worried about the competition Dad?" He joked despite taking a step towards Kathy.

Elliot rolled his eyes and gestured towards Kathy. "Just take your Mom for spin around the dance floor."

Kathy laughed as Dick led her away. And then it was just Elliot and Olivia. She stepped into him, closer than she had with Dick. His hand found hers and held it to his chest, as his other slipped around her waist resting on the curve of her hip. They were chest to chest, hip to hip. Her head leant against his. He dropped his chin and pressed a sweet kiss to her collarbone, inhaling discreetly, just as she had done to him in the night he came back to her. He paused and Olivia knew what he was thinking.

"Don't do it today," she whispered into his ear.

Elliot's head jerked back in surprise and she almost laughed. He knew what she talking about.

"You know that I..?"

Olivia nodded and pulled him back to her with a gentle tug. She tucked herself into the crook of his neck.

"Don't do it today," she told him again.

"Because you'll say no?" He tried to keep his voice neutral, but she heard the hitch in his breathing as he said it.

Olivia took a deep breath, pausing over the question, wondering if she would be this certain when he did ask her. If they weren't in a room full of people celebrating his daughter's marriage she may have been inclined to tease him to dispel the enormity of the question. But she resisted.

"No, because it's Maureen's day," she said into his neck, flushed lightly when she heard his sigh of relief.

Elliot's head moved so he could see her face. "So does that mean when I do..?"

Olivia didn't answer, only laughed and burrowed further into him. She would be saying yes. At one time the thought of agreeing to spend the rest of her life with someone, their happiness dependent on hers, had been terrifying. It wasn't now. Somewhere amongst the eighteen years of history between them, their hearts had bound together. He squeezed her waist and they continued to sway to the music.

"That's good to know," Elliot said into her hair. "I won't ask you today," he promised. He pressed a kiss to the side of her head.

Over his shoulder she spied Kathleen as she talked to Kathy's partner. The young woman who had the courage to do what others' hadn't, what they hadn't. It could have ended badly; it could've irreparably damaged their relationship. It hadn't. It felt good to come home to him, felt good to be free with him.

"Kathleen's going to have to be my maid of honour," she murmured.

Elliot's chest rebounded against hers as he laughed quietly, shrugging slightly. "We've got to thank her somehow."

'_Some think that love is all flowers and good times, but I think that love is more than just that. Love is the bad, as well as the better, not lived alone, but a journey together. Something that only the closest can share.'_

THE END

**Author Note – Okay, this is going to be long. I've been a bit emotional about this, but it had to end somewhere and that somewhere is here. I hope the ending gives justice to the rest of the story. So I'm going to ask you once more (for this story at least) not to hesitate and tell me what you thought of the story.**

**Everyone of who has followed the story have been brilliant but there are a few people I would to name – Mandy, Moska, Ruli, Cori, lucyspencer, Bensidy2306, Roanie123, SouthernBelle843 and especially NickandLiv – your encouragement and support has been incredible and I'm so grateful to you all for welcoming me and being wonderful. I don't think I would have gotten through this without you guys. **


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