Naruto 1. Chapter 1

**This is for everyone who feels the need to self harm to get through the day. Please people, just don't do it.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto so get the lawyers off my lawn, they're making a mess**

Rip Yourself Open, Sew Yourself Shut

_Damn it_ Naruto thought. He was training. Again. He had been doing a lot of that lately for all the good it did him. He still couldn't get Sasuke back and that was all he wanted to do. Just bring his best friend back. God dammit, he wanted answers. He wasn't even sure as to what questions he needed the answers to. He had run out of chakra now. Recently, he'd been training far too hard for his own good. He was exhausted and knew he'd reached his limit. This mildly annoyed him as he wanted to continue training but he had worked out a plan of action by now. He would go to Ichiraku ramen, drown his sorrows in a bowl or twelve, sleep for 2 hours and then head back to the training ground.

He began phase one of his plan, walking slowly to the ramen shop. But the truth was even ramen was starting to lose its flavour. That was how depressed he was. As he made his way there, he made a point of not looking at anyone. He was fed up of everyone telling him he was working himself too hard. He didn't care anyway. He just wanted Sasuke back. He arrived and ordered a bowl of his favourite ramen. He ate slowly, not really caring what it tasted like.

It was a shame that he'd cut out the rest of the outside world because otherwise he would've noticed a small raven haired girl admiring him from afar. Well, actually she was about 5 metres behind him and getting so red that she could have been hired as stop sign. If you haven't realised it was Hinata by now, you need a slap on the wrist. She was reaching out to him slowly trying to tap him on the back but her hand was shaking so much that it wasn't really paying much attention to anything else she wanted it to do. Naruto was really zoned out to not notice the shaking, whimpering girl behind him. In fact, even after he had paid the bill and was walking past her outstretched hand he didn't notice her. (A/N Yes she was _still_ trying to tap him on the shoulder). Hinata didn't need her Byakugan to see how much Naruto was hurting inside. As he wandered out of Ichiraku, hands thrusts deep into his pockets, she bit her lip _Naruto-kun, please be okay _she thought. She'd never seen the blonde this dejected.

Said blonde had decided to skip phase 2 of his plan: sleep for 2 hours and get straight back out on the training field. He had decided to let his chakra get higher again and so was simply doing weapons training. Because of his exhaustion however, he let the kunai he was holding slip. It sliced through his upper arm. Naruto winced and then suddenly felt clarity shoot through his mind. Hell, his mind hadn't felt this clear in well, ages. He looked at the blood pouring down his arm and felt strangely entranced by it. He suddenly knew what he wanted to do. The world seemed sharper. His mind could now form a plan of action rather than just hang around limply feeling sorry for itself. And all he had to do was one quick, smooth slice and then pain with which came the beautiful feeling of clarity. He decided to try it again just to make sure the first time wasn't just a fluke. He picked up the kunai and slid it down his arm again. It worked. The world sharpened again and he knew this was his cure for the depression he'd fallen into. Now the depression which had hung over him like a dark cloud had evaporated. He felt he could do anything. But his mind wasn't completely clear yet. He wasn't depressed and he had a vague plan of action but now he needed to a proper plan to get Sasuke. He deduced that he would need more pain for this. He grinned and grabbed the kunai stabbing it hard 

into his arm, before crying out slightly at the pain. But his head was completely cleared. Naruto decided to head home. He was going to take a shower for the first time in...well, it's best not to think how long. His regular grin was broadly fixed on his face. He could now bring Sasuke home.

Hinata bit her lip as she headed back to her house. Naruto had certainly looked out of character to her when she saw him. He'd seemed pale and not all that healthy either. She wanted to check up on him. She frowned which was a very un-Hinata think to do. She made up her mind and turned in the direction of Naruto's house. She had to make sure he was alright...

Hinata arrived at Naruto's house about 20 minutes later. It had taken a while for her to build up the courage to actually go to his house. She rang the doorbell with a shaking finger and debated running away while she waited for him.

'_Shit' _Naruto thought as he heard the doorbell. He scrambled out of the shower and then cursed himself for not having bought new clothes. He had been so focussed on his task of saving Sasuke that he hadn't noticed that he'd had a long overdue growth spurt. Unfortunately, his much loved black and orange outfit was a little on the short side when it came to the sleeves. Not so good for covering up knife cuts. Realising that it would have to do, he yanked on the jacket and yanked the sleeves down as far as possible before going to answer the door.

He yanked open the door and smiled at Hinata. Hinata was stunned. It was the first time Naruto had smiled in ages and it wasn't just a smile, it was _the _smile, the full Naruto beam. Hinata relaxed, glad that Naruto seemed to be returning to his usual self. But out of the corner of her eyes she noticed a movement. Normal eyes wouldn't have noticed this but Hinata had trained her eyes to notice small movements and she could make out this one tiny movement. Naruto's sleeve had slipped a little and as he pulled it back down she noticed the cuts. She gasped a little. Naruto looked a little impatient.

'Hi Hinata, what's up?' He asked. When he saw that Hinata was unable to answer he sighed 'Look, I've got to go training now alright. So...I'll see you later.' And with that, he brushed past Hinata without a second glance.

Hinata blinked a few times. Then she gave a shocked little sob. What happened to the Naruto she knew and loved and who was this person who appeared to have taken over his body. Hinata was worried. And rightly so. This Naruto seemed unstable. Dangerous, even. She was scared of what he would do to himself. But nobody else seemed to notice anymore. They told him to care for himself more but was anyone really watching him carefully to make sure he wasn't hurt...or worse?

Weeks had passed since Naruto had first started cutting himself. He was forming his grand master plan slowly but he wanted it to come quicker. He needed to get Sasuke back and soon. His lips twitched with the ghost of a smile as he slid a kunai across his arm. The kunai gleamed with blood and Naruto examined it, grinning. He drank in the delicious pain that ran in waves up his arm and welcomed the wonderful clarity it brought. He was well and truly intoxicated by it. He had suddenly had a brain wave, brought on by the pain. If he caused himself supreme pain, then he could get his master pain from the clarity that came with it. He raised his kunai one more time and a manic smile crossed his face. He was desperate for the pain, he needed it _right now _or he was going to go mad. He laughed hysterically as he plunged the knife as deep as it could go and yanked it vertically down his arm. Blood streamed down his arm and Naruto continued to laugh. The pain was so great, he 

thought he was going to throw up. He was almost crying with the pain but at the same time, waves of ecstasy were crashing over him. But then he wondered to himself. Was the blackness that was coming over him part of the clarity? It must be. He knew what he had to do to get Sasuke back. He laughed one more time, then his arm, still streaming with blood dropped limply and then his vision turned to total darkness. But just before that, he saw one thing. Sasuke.

Hinata had been secretly checking on Naruto every day. She checked the clock and then set off towards his house. She knew something was wrong when she saw the window. There was blood smeared across it. Hinata sprinted the last stretch to Naruto's house. She blew the door off it's edges using nin-jutsu and raced over to Naruto. In a instant, she saw just how serious his condition was. The blood was pumping out feebly. Kyuubi was obviously trying to heal the wound but the blood was coming to fast. Hinata stumbled out, tears pouring down her face.

She hurried to Tsunade's office and screamed something about Naruto, kunai and blood. Tsunade blinked, looked and Hinata and ninja-poofed herself to Naruto's apartment. She immediately began to treat Naruto herself and once he was stable, took him to the hospital.

Hinata had returned to Naruto's house and was staring numbly at the kunai. How could he have been so stupid? How could he think he was doing something useful? She sobbed quietly until Tsunade ninja-poofed in.

'He's awake. You can come and visit him'

Granny Tsunade looked tired. Sakura looked furious. And Hinata, well, she looked hysterical. It occurred to Naruto that it was very lucky he was in a hospital bed because Sakura looked like she was going to kill him. Her fists were clenched and her eyes were red and matched her hair rather nicely. Tsunade wasn't in any condition to beat him a pulp and she didn't want to considering that she worked all night to save him.

Sakura strode over to his bed and appeared to be about to say something when Tsunade raised her hand.

''Give him some time with Hinata, Sakura. Then you can scream at him.' She said and strode out with Sakura at her heels.

'HOW COULD YOU? YOU STUPID, STUPID BASTARD! DID YOU NOT THINK THAT ANYONE WOULD CARE IF YOU WERE GONE?' Hinata screamed at him, hitting him after each word. Naruto looked ashamed. He murmured something that Hinata couldn't hear. 'WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY? TELL ME! I DESERVE TO FUCKING KNOW! YOU PUT ME THROUGH HELL! FUCKING TELL ME!' She screamed again.

'I'm sorry' Naruto's voice was barely a whisper. 'I'm really sorry. I just wanted Sasuke back and the clarity. I didn't mean to- I didn't want to- hurt anyone-'

'HURT ANYONE! HURT ANYONE! YOU IDIOT! IT'S HURTING EVERYONE TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS RIGHT NOW! FOR GOD'S SAKE! WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK US TO HELP!'

'I didn't want anyone else to be hurt by my weakness.' Naruto mumbled. He fiddled with the sheets. He was unable to look at Hinata anymore so he looked down. 'The cutting-it was- it was for- clarity. I'm so sorry' He was crying too by now.

'Look, Naruto. Whatever you want to do to find Sasuke, I'll help you. I'll help you train and anything else. Just stop this. Please, Naruto. I love you and it's really hurting me to see you in pain. I'll do anything for you. So just stop it.' Hinata forced Naruto to look her right in the eye.

'Alright Hinata, you win. I'll stop. Because I think that I'm seeing things more clearly than ever since you talked to me. You are my clarity. And where you can't help, others can. Thank you, Hinata. You saved me.' Naruto wondered if Hinata had positioned herself at that angle deliberately. It was such a good angle. It would be a shame not to waste it. And once more, Hinata was dazzled by the full Naruto beam. And this time, it was a true, genuine smile. And Hinata's smile nearly matched Naruto's smile because she knew what was coming next.

Outside, Tsunade placed a small screen over the window. Then she turned to Sakura and announced

'I do believe that your bollocking may have to wait some more.'

**OWARI**

**Yeah, that took a lot longer than I expected mostly because of my 1 ½ month long break. Seriously, anyone reading this who does self harm, think of what you're doing to the people around you before you do it next time.**

**I'd really love it if you reviewed this one. Please guys. But no flaming. PLEASE!**


	2. alternate ending

**Here's an alternate ending. It's not happy but it's more real than the original ending. Warning: Character Death **

**I don't own anything except the letter**

Weeks had passed since Naruto had first started cutting himself. One day he was sitting in his usual training area thinking about Sasuke. It was strange how recently Sasuke occupied his thoughts constantly. He absent-mindedly sliced a noughts and crosses pattern into his wrist. He'd been hanging out with Hinata a lot recently too. He didn't know that she knew that he'd been cutting and was secretly keeping an eye on him to make sure that he wasn't going to kill himself. Naruto's smile faltered as he thought about his fight with Sasuke in the Valley of Tears and his failure to bring him back. He stabbed the kunai to his arm, feeling the blade pierce his flesh and savouring every bit of pain. He wasn't just cutting for clarity now. He cut to _ease_ the pain. He could take physical pain but _mental pain, _that was another story. So he now used cutting as a way of escaping that pain.

Naruto was tired of it all. He was going to find Sasuke and bring him back. He didn't need more training. Hell, he'd been training so long already. He was going to bring Sasuke back this time. He had to. The other option was...there was no other option...that he wanted to think about. He'd go tomorrow.

**********************

Naruto dragged himself back to his apartment. His fight with Sasuke had been humiliating. Sasuke had managed to knock him out as if Naruto hadn't trained for 2 years to bring him back. Naruto lay down on his bed and sobbed. He cried harder than he'd ever cried in his life. The pain in his heart overwhelmed him and he grabbed his kunai, wrenching across his wrist. The pain rolled in and the harsh reality hit him. He'd failed. Even if he did bring Sasuke back, he would just leave again. Naruto felt bitter and empty and then he smiled. It was a grim smile that suggested that he'd given up.

He took a pen, dipped in his cut and wrote a note using his own blood as ink. Then he took his kunai and ran his finger across the blade, before slicing deeply into his forearm, feeling the skin separate and the blood rush up upwards. He sliced the name 'SASUKE' into his arm and then slashed across it. He continued to stab and slash over the name until he couldn't see it anymore. He dipped his finger into a cut, and scrawled across the wall 'I'M SORRY', then he attacked his wrists again. He hated Sasuke for making him like this so why, why did he carve his name into his skin. He attacked where the name used to be, slicing his flesh down to the bone, but it wasn't enough. He didn't stop until the kunai slipped from his hand, soaked in blood. His arms dropped limply to his sides. He fell forwards, hitting his head against his bed. He reached out clumsily to grab his photo of Team 7 and held it to him as everything faded into blackness.

**************************

Hinata rushed to Naruto's house. She was ready to talk to him about his depression and how he could be relieved from it. She'd talked to him about it a few times actually. He'd ignored her, just staring at her with blank eyes. Hinata was not blessed with the power of stirring speech pr great confidence but she had to snap Naruto out of it. She'd heard from Kiba that Naruto was back in Konoha, following his defeat. He was going to need cheering up before he did something dangerous.

She knocked on the door and on getting no reply glanced around. She saw the blood on the window of Naruto's room and blasted the door down using nin-jutsu before tripping over herself in her haste to get to his room.

'Naruto' she screamed, bursting in. At once, her eyes were greeted with the horrific sight of the blood smeared across the walls, window, door and bed. And on one wall, there were the words 'I'M SORRY' scrawled across it. Naruto's body lay with a bloody photo gripped in one hand and the other hand extended towards a kunai. Involuntarily, tears filled Hinata's eyes. She knew instinctively that he was dead. She then noticed out of the corner of her eye and piece of paper with her name on it. She took it and tucked it into her shuriken pouch. She didn't want anyone to see it. She turned slowly. She was going to have notify Hokage-sama.

***************

Naruto's funeral was depressing. Everyone came. Even though the village originally hated him, everyone now respected him and all came to pay their final respects. Hinata wasn't present. If she went, she'd break down. Instead, she sat against a tree in Naruto's training ground, quietly singing a song. It was the song she had sang Naruto and the song that he'd kissed her in the middle of. She remembered that kiss. It was the one time that she managed to remove the pain from Naruto's eyes:

_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me

You used to captivate me  
By your resonating light  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts  
My once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me_

And then she took out the letter and summoned all her courage to open it. The blood had run slightly but it was still just legible.

_Hinata, I'm sorry. But it's too hard to continue. Without Sasuke I don't know where I stand. I feel that I'm useless now. Hinata, you're strong. Stronger than anyone thinks and I have faith in you. Even though I'm gone, you'll still carry on. I don't want to see you soon but if I do, I won't be upset. I know that it's stupid telling you that I don't want you to be upset because you will be. Hinata, I know that I've just put a horrible burden on your shoulders but please forgive me. And if you ever want to remember me, play My Immortal. I love you. Naruto_

Hinata folded up the piece of paper and cried gently. Then she wiped her eyes, stuffed the paper in her shuriken holster and headed home. She took a kunai and stared at it as she walked. A choice hung over her: join Naruto or move on. After a few minutes, she put the kunai back and opened the door to her compound singing:

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me_

**OWARI**

**I prefer this ending actually. **

**Please review. I want to know which ending you prefer. Please no flames for this story. **

**The song is My Immortal by Evanescence**

**This story is dedicated to Jo and Charlie**


End file.

Naruto, Angst, Romance