South of Nowhere 1. Chapter 1: Au Pair

Title: Inebriated  
Author: Amber Nicole  
Email: Yuppers, I would like some please. The more I get the more times I write, you dig?  
Rating: Oh, well…you know how a virgin's mind thinks. I mean common, 17 n' a half years of nothing makes provocative thoughts in your head haha…then again that doesn't come til later  
Summary:

Author's Notes: Okay, third fic and I'm just getting the hand of this so it might not be that good but it will surly entertain you guys. Please leave me some love, it keeps me going. I plan to update as much as I can, but working at Wal-Mart almost 30 hours a week, plus being a high school student is sorta hard. But if you give me feedback, I might be tempted. Oh and I thought there wasn't enough of these sort of fics around, you know the ones where Ashley has…well you will see. So, I am improvising this first chapter because it is the hardest to write, but after this it will totally be better. You guys know how I roll lol.  
Disclaimer: Don't own and I am getting nothing from it.

b **Inebriated** /b 

b u Part One /u /b 

Spencer straightened her navy blue shirt and adjusted the knot in the back, making the shirt fit a little better. The young girl had been standing behind the register for the past five hours; she was now approaching sign out time. She quickly looked around the deserted store for any oncoming customers before pressing down on the "sign off/sign on" and "total" buttons to put her in standby.

Wednesday night was always so slow. She thought coming back to the store and taking a cashier position would help ease over the boredom, but today it provided no such thing.

The young blond leaned up against the counter, her feet pulsing with pain underneath her. After two weeks of starting back up here, she was still not truly comfortable with it. She thought that since she lived in a big city now, it would help keep her busy, but it was still all the same.

The young blond glanced over at the magazine rack across from her register. The latest scandals posted for all to see. The young girl let a smile crawl across her face as she noticed seven out of the nine covers had different pictures of the infamous Ashley Davies.

"Damn, I can never get tired at looking at that girl," Spencer thought to herself as her eyes raked over all the magazine covers, most of which was of the young rock star half way naked. "This job isn't so bad."

She glanced back up at the screen above the register. In bright green lettering four o'clock was flashing on the black screen. She pulled herself from the register and turned off her light before heading to the back.

"Check out time."

She bounced the crying little girl up and down. The small blond child had been crying for the past three hours, and she didn't know how to make her stop. She never was in the position to learn how to make her stop.

The young mother picked up her cell phone before dialing a number. This wasn't how she imagined coming home. Spending six months in Europe for a tour, she just wanted to come home and relax. She was expecting the nanny to be here, which she was, but not for long. Once the brunette walked into the house, the older woman came charging at her accusing her of never seeing her child, accusing her of making her take care of the little girl. Ashley only responded, "It's your job." With that the elder woman left the tired, young, rock star alone. Since that occurred, the small child refused to stop crying.

Ashley put the crying child down and put the cell to her ear.

"Hello, Au Pair America, how may I help you?" A voice on the other side of the phone asked in a heavy accent.

Ashley looked down at the little girl; her face was red and stained with tears. She had her blond ponytail pulled out, and she was still crying. Ashley was becoming irritated.

"This is Ashley Davies, I hired one of your Au Pair's and she walked out on me today." Ashley said gritting her teeth.

"Oh, Ms. Davies, well let me pull up your profile real quick…Yes here it is. Ingrid walked out on you? Here it says that she gave you a two weeks notice."

"Well obviously she didn't because I am here, with my kid, and no nanny." Ashley looked around her spotless kitchen, ignoring the small child. She was so good for her every time Ashley came home. i Yeah, and she has only seen you how many times out of her life? /i Ashley thought to herself.

"I'm very sorry Ms. Davies, what can we do for you?"

"Get me a new nanny."

"Okay, Ms. Davies, what are you looking for exactly? Another live in?" The woman said from the other side of the phone. Ashley looked down at her daughter; she really didn't know what to do to get the child to stop crying.

"Yes, yes, I need a live in. I need someone, anyone actually."

"Okay, do you want another female or male?"

"I just said anyone. I prefer a female; I don't trust a man with her. I just want someone I can trust, and who will treat her right. All the other previous requirements still count if possible."

"Okay Ms. Davies, I got that all in the system. Just give me a second to look deeper into the system if I can find someone for you."

Ashley put her cell on speaker and sat it on the counter. She bent down to the little girl. She was still crying, tears spilling over onto her rosy cheeks, but the cries where now silent. She was hiccupping between the small cries.

"Baby, please stop crying." The brunette said tiredly. She couldn't do this. She pays someone to take care of this child because she knows that she can't. "I can't even make you stop crying." The brunette whispered more to herself.

She combed back some the child's hair from her small face. The little girl's big blue eyes looked up at her, before tearing up again. Ashley was becoming afraid, she didn't know if her daughter was in pain or if she was just scared. i Why would she be afraid of her own mother? /i 

"Ms. Davies?" The French accent echoed through out the room.

Ashley jumped up and grabbed her cell, she but it back on normal. "I'm here."

"Okay Ms. Davies, when do you need someone?"

"Right now."

A small chuckle appeared on the other side of the phone, "Sorry Ms. Davies, the process doesn't work like that. We have to find matches and then you have to go through the interview process, and background checks…"

"Get me someone here in the next two hours and I will pay your agency double." Ashley said tiredly and to the older woman on the other side of the phone she sounded desperate. Ashley could always call her sister to come and help, but she knew the young girl was probably studying for her finals.

"Well…" The older woman answered, a thought creeping into her mind. "I guess we could do that. I have someone in mind that might be up for the job…"

Ashley looked down at the little girl. She changed her tired tone of voice to something more business, "Good."

Spencer stood in front of her mirror. The small bug infested apartment was now growing on her. Of course, she was still disgusted by it, but then again it was a place to sleep. She had gotten used to the place over time. It had been three months since she moved to Los Angeles. i Ran to Los Angeles, /i Spencer thought to herself.

The young girl shook out the reasons why she ran; she didn't want to think of them right now. All that mattered is that the past is the past and she is safe right now. She pilled off her navy blue work shirt and ran her hands over her tense shoulders. Her fingers grazed over the healing scars that were on her back. She could still feel a slight sting from under her skin, but she blocked it from her memory. She went over to her bed and grabbed a tee and slipped it over her head.

Her cell began to vibrate in her pocket. She reached inside for the small black device.

"Hello?"

"Ahh, Madam Carlin, great I could get a hold of you!" Responded the French voice from the other end.

"Renée?"

"Wee, it is me. I am calling you in need of a favor." The older woman confessed to the blond. Spencer nodded her head in the phone. She had met the older French woman a couple months ago when she was eating at a small French café on Rodeo. The older woman had helped her with a lot of different things. Spencer had just came to Los Angeles, living on the street. The older woman let her stay with her while the young girl looked for an apartment and job, no questions asked.

"Yeah, of course, what can I do for you?"

"Well, Spencer, I remember how well you were with Aimee and John Pierre when you watched them that I was…"

Spencer cut in, "Oh, Renee, you need a babysitter? I can watch them."

"Actually, I need a nanny. One of my clients Au Pair left this morning and she wants a replacement ASAP." Renee said cautiously.

"And you want me to be the replacement?"

"Umm, well, yes."

"I'm not even…"

"Spencer she pays a lot and it can help you out. You will be living in a high rise on Sunset and you would get paid a lot of money. I called you because I know you can do it."

"Well…"

Renee sighed into the phone, "You need to be at her house in an hour."

Spencer stepped out of the elevator. She still wore her khaki pants she had worn to work earlier today. She had no idea why she would do something like this, but she needed the job. If taking care of someone else's' kid and getting paid for it was what she had to do, then she would do it.

Spencer walked up to the large steel door before knocking on it. She was in the most expensive high rise in the city. Plus, she was on the top floor, the penthouse. Maybe this was pure luck. Then again if the last nanny walked out, the child must be a little demon.

The young eighteen year old girl shifted from one foot to the other nervously. She really didn't know what to expect out of this job. Renee didn't give any information out. She didn't know what the parents was like, how many kids, how old they where. She came her completely blind to the whole situation. She smoothed out her white undershirt and the (RED) shirt on top of it. She had her blond hair up in a loose bun and her fingers silently tapped against her jeans.

Ashley came running toward the door, the small girl rested on her hips with her thumb in her mouth. Her eyes were puffy and red from crying. When there were no more tears coming, the small child resulted to hiccupping and sucking her thumb.

"Darling, I think that's the new nanny." Ashley said to the little girl unenthusiastically.

"don cahr (don't care)" the little girl mumbled before placing her head back on Ashley's shoulder.

Ashley opened the large steel door.

Face to face.

Spencer stood in front of her shocked.

Ashley smiled weakly at the blond, "You must be the nanny. I'm Ashley Davies."

The blond knew who she was; she had just drooled over her picture on the side of the bus. The young girl straightened herself up, glancing at the small child in the older girl's arms. Spencer was shocked at how much the little girl didn't look like the rock star. She had only seen the little girl a couple times; one on celebrity baby blog and another in an article about Ashley a year ago that told about the tragic shooting over at king high.

"H-h-hello, I'm Spencer." Spencer said with a shy crooked smile.

"Yeah, thank god you're here. She just stopped crying. "Ashley said pushing the little girl in front of Spencer.

Spencer watched with her eyes scowling, she couldn't believe how distant the rock star was from her daughter. It was as if the brunette didn't know how to take care of her. Spencer's maternal instant kicked in immediately and she took the smaller blonde from Ashley's hands. She combed some of the blond hairs from her face and smiled at the little girl. The small child looked back at Spencer with sad eyes before taking a moment to decide if she liked the blond. Making up her mind, she took her thumb from her mouth and placed her hand around the older girl's neck and laying her head down on her shoulder.

Ashley looked at the blond with a hint of jealousy before gesturing the blond in. Spencer walked into the plush foyer and turned back to the brunette who shut the large door.

"Umm…yeah…so she is Amalia (ah-mahl-lia)." Ashley said business like. She really didn't care much to do a interview with the younger girl, even though she did look like she just turned eighteen. Ashley was tired, and all that mattered was Amalia liked her. "I guess you are the new nanny."

Spencer watched the girl fidget a little. She expected something out of the rock star, more confidence, more something. Instead of the rock star she had seen in the magazines and on TV, a tired, desperate, girl stood in front of her. Spencer didn't know what more to expect, because right now this was way beyond anything she could have dreamed up.

"I guess I should give you a quick overview of the job. Umm, the woman from the agency said she would email me your profile but I have yet to sit down and check my email. She has been crying since I got home." Ashley said walking through the hall to the open living room. It had a wonderful sky view that showed the setting sun over the city. Spencer took a seat on the couch as Ashley sat in a chair across from her.

"She's two, umm she will be three in about seven months. Your room is connected to hers…and there is a playroom off of the kitchen. She likes….umm I will pay you weekly. I will also give you money to take her places and to go shopping for food and stuff like that. I actually have all this written down and tomorrow you can go over it, but as of right now…umm…I really just want to go to bed."

Spencer took pity on the older girl. She was still dumbfound that she was in the same room with her, but she was also compassionate with her because she looked rundown and tied.

"How about you go ahead and go to bed. I can figure out where everything is and take care of Amalia."

Ashley looked Spencer over a second, before standing up and stretching. "Thank you." She mumbled before taking off down the hallway.

Spencer looked down at the little girl in her arms. All she knew about this child was her name and age and who her mother was, she also knew that the little girl was looking for attention by how easily she had come to Spencer. She looked down the hallway where the older girl just exited. It seems that she knew more things about the little girl did…and that hurt Spencer.

Yes yes I know it was short and not that good, but believe me it should get better.


	2. Chapter 2: Take A Bow

Major angst cookies for anyone who can figure out the song I was listening to while writing this. Clue: it's the title of this part. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed! I am truly grateful and hope that you keep it up. If you will like replies and FOF please tell me and I will reply ASAP!

b Part One B /b

ub Take A Bow /b/u

_iShe closed her eyes, tired and exhausted…/i_

The young girl's work catching up with her and doubt overcoming her body like she was being crushed by gigantic waves of self doubt.

Was pursuing her dream the right thing to do?

Was abandoning her daughter with someone she didn't know, didn't care to know?

Ashley had immediately came into her room and slowly stripped off the clothes from her body. She had been traveling in those clothes since two nights ago when she had left Dublin. She had many unknown things and many known things on those clothes; her daughter's tears and snot from her tantrum, the spilt cup of strawberry milk that she had tried to give the little girl before the little girl pushed it away onto her. It disgusted her how much children can be so careless and messy. Then again, it disgusted her how many thoughts like her previous one could come into her head. She was becoming someone she didn't want to become.

Ashley had climbed into her California king size bed and under the mocha colored down comforter. She curled underneath and put pillows on both sides of her, creating the false feeling of the warmth from someone's body. She had blindly reached for the little button on the side table and quickly closed the windows off to the Los Angeles skyline. The last thing she needed was to be woken up by the bright, morning, Californian sun.

She did not know how exactly she had come to be how she was now.

It seems that after sophomore year everything went down hill.

At the beginning of that year she had began to date the resident basketball stare Aiden Dennison. The tall, dark, and handsome boy was her tether to the world, without him she would have flown away and got lost in the chaos. He made her feel wanted, needed, loved. He gave her the attention that she had needed, that she had failed to get her whole life. He helped fill a void in her body. Ashley couldn't truly and still can't say that she was ever i_in love_/i with Aiden, but she can honestly say that she loved him.

Ashley was also a wild child; it was in her blood, something she could never escape from even if she wanted to. That year lead to much partying, much partying lead to drugs, and drugs lead to an inebriated, untamed girl. She was so confused and fucked up much of the time, and even though she had Aiden, she never wanted to turn to him in her time of need.

She didn't even remember that night. It was the night she had fucked Aiden, and got pregnant with her daughter. It was the night that she had figured out that she was a lesbian.

i _"How much of a slut do you have to be to sleep with a guy, and turn around and sleep with a chick in one night?"_ /i Ashley had thought to herself.

After that night everything was different. She was a girl who stood her ground and got what she wanted. If it didn't go Ashley's way…well it always went Ashley's way. When she found out she was pregnant; that was the turning point for her. She was in Aiden's bathroom, Aiden right there with her. The test read positive and she was baffled. She thought this was a signal to turn her life around. For those few months that she was pregnant with her daughter, she was sober and actually had dreams of what she wanted to do with her life.

i "_I never wanted to be my mother_,"/i Ashley had thought. It was true; she never wanted to be her mother. She wanted to be the mother that she had always wanted. She now had someone she could truly love and who would love her for who she was.

It didn't turn out like that.

It never did.

She doesn't remember her daughter's birth.

She is completely lost to the fact of that whole week of her daughter's birth.

That scared her that she didn't remember.

She never asked about it either. She never had the impulse to. There was picture though; pictures of her pregnant, and then of the small tiny little bundle in the little bassinet in the nursery. But the gap between her being pregnant and the little girl arriving was never filled.

Five months after her daughter was born, five months of pure bliss of the constant smiles and love from the little girl, tragedy struck. She had loved Aiden, yes, but yet she didn't cry when a bullet had got lodged into his head on prom night.

Aiden's death was her turning point. She knew that if he hadn't stepped in the way of that bullet it would have hit her. So he died because of her. She suddenly saw a pattern of how everything played out and it scared her. So, she said fuck it. She found her father's old producer and next thing she knew she was touring around the country promoting her first album.

From there it was history. She had stepped out of her daughter's life and into the reckless life of a international, Grammy awarded, rock star.

"I don't even know my own kid," The young girl whispered to herself softly.

She closed her eyes, tired and exhausted, as she fell into a dreamless sleep.

"Sit down for me please," Spencer said to the little girl attempting to stand up in the shopping cart. She had took the little girl that morning to go pick up her check and get some groceries with the money she had from her check. She also went to inform the managers that she would not be making it back to Hel-Mart. The thought of working there anymore made her feet hurt. She felt a little uncomfortable with just up and leaving with the little girl, but she guess she is the girl's official nanny. Plus, she wanted to get the little girl breakfast and all there was in the fridge was junk food and beer. That was nothing a little girl she even think of.

Amalia sat back down in the shopping cart as Spencer began to walk out of the back offices. Spencer gave her a pleasing smile, which made the little girl beam at her. Amalia wasn't used to this kind of loving attention. She never got anything from her mother except that she tried to by her love. Ingrid had been strict on the small two year old. Now, Spencer…Spencer showed her love and pretty smiles.

Spencer walked, pushing the cart with one hand and sliding some of the blond hair escaping the small headband behind Amalia's ear. She walked over to the grocery section, thinking to herself with a smile on her lips. She wanted the small girl to know that she was happy to be with her. She thought it was weird having the daughter of a famous rock star in Wal-Mart…then again it was odd that she was now the nanny of the small girl.

Spencer barely got any sleep last night. She hadn't really been able to sleep in the last three mouths. The startling images of everything that had happened in her past had caught up with her and have caused bad nightmares.

Spencer spent a lot of the night roaming around the mega huge apartment. She could easily tell which rooms were off limits and which weren't. Most rooms had large steel doors, so she decided the ones with those had them for a reason. The whole apartment was decorated in a modern/rocker style. It was Artsy, elegant, and very what she would imagine Ashley Davies would design. The apartment was also bare. Of course there was stuff, but it was missing something…something that should be palpable when you first step foot into a home.

Instead the apartment (aka penthouse) had very bright and eye-catching walls, modern furniture, and many different types of art. There were barely any pictures of the little girl in any of the main rooms. Most of it was music memorabilia and random pictures of random people. The apartment, in Spencer's opinion, wasn't very kid friendly. There was barely no toys lying around, the cabinets was easily associable…it was very odd to Spencer.

Amalia's room was even pretty mature for a two year old. It was painted a gray color with bright colorful assents around the room. The little girl had a queen size bed and a television across from it on the wall. The bed was made when Spencer had entered the room and there was one doll laying on it. A small American Girl that was a replica of the younger girl. The little girl had told Spencer the dolls name was 'Coley'. The connect room, which was now her's, wasn't much different.

The only thing that showed that a young child lived there was the large playroom on the lower floor. It was painted brightly rainbow colors; the walls alternating with the strips. She had remembered once that Ashley had mention in an interview that she had painted her daughter's playroom the rainbow. She believes she had seen that on Logo, but hadn't known if it was true.

"'m hungry!" The little girl exclaimed. Spencer smiled at the little girl and quickly grabbed a box of strawberries off the shelf. She sat it next to the little girl in the cart and opened it. She knew that she should have washed them, but she knew that the tiny little girl was hungry. She handed the child a strawberry.

"Yummy!" The little girl exclaimed with her mouth full.

Spencer chuckled before grabbing some more items and setting them in the cart. She glanced down at the little girl who was enjoying her strawberries. Spencer was hoping the little girl wouldn't get any on her light brown dress. She probably knew that that dress cost more than anything she had in her possession. She had easily found the young girl's huge walk in closet, and helped her pick out something to wear. The little girl insisted on wearing her ballet slippers and a light blue ribbon to act as a head band.

"Is it good?" Spencer asked.

"mhm," answered the little girl.

"That's good," Spencer said getting into one of the ridiculously long lines.

She watched the young girl carefully. The rock star, from what little she had known about her in reality, wasn't who Spencer thought she was.

Spencer always thought there was something more…deeper…about the rock star. All the articles she read, the shows she seen, the interviews she heard made her think that there was more about the girl than partying and touring. Now, the blonde was puzzled. She didn't know what she thought about the older girl. She knew everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt…but the rock star seemed like she didn't deserve that.

i "_I wonder if she knows that we are out_?" /i Spencer thought looking at her watch. It was ten til twelve. She had left a note on the kitchen table with her cell number and where they went.

i "_I bet she doesn't even know that her own daughter wakes up in the middle of the night calling for her_," /i Spencer scowled at that thought. Amalia had woken up last night around four in the morning. The two year old had been calling for Ashley for a while, but she didn't come. After a couple minutes, Spencer couldn't take hearing the young child's desperate cries and decided to go in and comfort the child. She had picked up the little girl and walked her around the large room. She had lain down with the little girl, both falling into a peaceful sleep.

Spencer stepped forward a little bit in line. She looked at the red lipped little girl and smiled. She turned serious though, "Amalia, when does your mummy wake up?" She asked the little girl.

Amalia began to swing her feet, making a 'cleenking' sound as her feet collided with the cart. "don't know."

_i "Of course she doesn't_," /i Spencer thought.

"Does she come home a lot?" Spencer asked the little girl.

"Nope," the little girl said biting down on another Strawberry. "never swee (see) her."

Spencer let her face fall. That was terribly sad coming from a two year old.

"Ma'am, I can take you…Oh Spencer, hey, I can take you over here." Said the cashier next to the one she had been standing in. Quickly Spencer maneuvered her cart over then and began loading stuff.

The reddish brown hair cashier smiled at the little girl in her cart, "I didn't know you had a daughter"

"Oh no! She isn't mine."

"Ha, could have sworn she was. She looks dead up like you."

Spencer had put Amalia down for a nap an hour and a half ago. The little girl had been super tired after they had finally made it back to the penthouse. Spencer hated taking the little girl on the bus, but it was the only thing she could have taken until she had enough money for a car.

Spencer was in the kitchen getting lunch ready for when the little girl woke up. She decided to make a big lunch in case the older Davies decided to wake up.

She was in the middle of stirring the pasta when a just woken Ashley stumbled into the kitchen. Spencer turned to see if the little girl had woken up but was memorized by the rock star. Her hair messily hung in her face and she had the look like she had just woken up, which she had, but it was very sexy…wait did Spencer just think that?

Ashley jumped back, startled. She held onto her silk, small robe. Her eyes wide "Wait…who are you?"

Spencer scowled, "The nanny, remember?"

Ashley slowly nodded her messy head, "Oh yeah." The raspy voice of her's brought chills down her spine. Ashley walked over to the boiling water and examined the contents on the counters.

Spencer spoke, "I'm making lunch, are you hungry?"

Ashley looked back at her, still in her post sleep fog. "Umm, wow, yeah." The older girl stumbled elegantly over to the stool by the island and took a seat, trying to get awake.

Spencer stood across from her, leaning against the island. She didn't want to stare at the girl and freak her out, but she also wanted to examine her, see if she could see something.

"So you have much experience with kids?" Ashley asked softly looking at the girl. i "_I could fuck her_…" / She had thought but took the thought out of her head.

"Umm, well, I've babysat all my life." Spencer said suddenly shy. Instead of standing in front if a neglecting mother, she was in front of the infamous Ashley Davies.

"So, why do you think you are qualified to take care of my daughter?" Ashley said, not smartly but curiously.

i _Obviously because you can't_/i Spencer thought to herself. She replied to the question, "Because I love children and I like taking care of them."

"Okay, that's the reasonable answer. I want the best for my daughter," Ashley said business like now. She knew that she could be bitchy, business like, or she could try to woo the girl. She chooses the one that made the most since.

"Believe me Ms. Davies, I have spent a little time with your daughter and I am honored to be her Au Pair. She is a brilliant little girl." Spencer said truthfully. i _And you don't even know that_/i she added to herself.

Ashley nodded her head, sleep far gone now. She was now awake. "Okay, here's how it goes. I am on tour most of the time, or in the recording studio, or doing publicity, so I am never around much. Your job is to take care and care for Amalia. You will be a live in and…"

Spencer nodded her head, "I understand."

Ashley smiled briefly, "Okay good."

There was a sudden noise causing both girls to look toward the hall. Small bare feet padded down the hall as the messy haired two year old came running down the hall. Spencer smiled and quickly picked her up before she ran into the cabinet, "Whoa there kid, you're gonna hurt yourself."

She sat her on her hit and turned back to Ashley. She looked down at the drowsy child, "Amalia, do you wanna go to your mummy?"

The little girl shook her head. She looked over at Ashley and she thought she saw a tiny hint of disappointment in the girl's eyes. The blond felt a little pity on the girl, but she knew that the brunette had gotten herself into this mess. She hoped that she could get herself out of it.

i _Congrats Ms. Davies, Take a Bow_./i

Ashley looked from her daughter to the blond with a confused look on her face, "Freaky" she let slip from her lips.

Spencer looked confused at her, "What?"

"She looks just like you."

For bonus visit here:

http://z14. soon…

Part C

Spencer and Ashley's Myspace's (yeah I can actually make those prettiful lol)

And whatever else you guys want


	3. Chapter 3: Slide

Yeah, so I am sitting here eating a Salisbury stake tv dinner waiting to go to work (eww). Here is a short little update, but essential update for you guys. I did give you some more goodies. Prettier ones! Last chapter's song was Take a Bow by Muse. Lets see if you can figure this one out…

b **Part One C** /b

**Slide**

Spencer found herself sitting in the middle of the floor, next to the large windows. She had found that sitting next to the windows made her feel in some way comfortable. Even though if she looked out the window and down there were about twenty other stories below her, it still gave her a false since of comfort.

She was typing away at the laptop below her, the crisp white Mac Book let up her face in the darkness of her room. She had purchased the laptop with her second check she had received from the infamous Ms. Davies. Having working here for about three weeks, the blond was used to not seeing her around. After they had all ate their little lunch together and went over some basic things, Ashley had not been seen around the apartment that much. A week after that the rocker left for New York for some publicity. She had only come back a few hours later when Spencer had but Amalia to bed.

i S_he didn't even ask to see her daughter_…/i Spencer thought.

They young mother had just came into the house went straight to one of the rooms Spencer dared not to retreat in. Spencer glanced at the small form underneath the covers of her bed. She had grown used to the little girl sleeping with her. After the third night of the tiny child waking up in the middle of the night yelling for her mother, Spencer decided to just have her sleep in her bed.

i _I'm more a mother than she is_…/i Spencer thought clicking on one of her friend's myspace.

It has almost been four months since Spencer arrived in Los Angeles. She remembers the day she had decided to run off to the very large city.

It is fact that coming to Los Angeles you will eventually get lost in the crowd…and that is what she had wanted. She had been consumed by the small life in Ohio that it was eating at her. Everything that had happened to her in her past was all in that one little town and she couldn't handle walking around with all those memories. Spencer always tried to determine when her life had suddenly went wrong but it was hard to determine.

Spencer had lived a wonderful childhood. She had two loving parents, two big brothers, and the typical family life. She was raised in a beautiful restored farm house on the outskirts of the town she lived in. The town was very family oriented, a small little catholic town. It was safe and the type of town that they could ride their bikes from one point to another.

She figures it was when she was ten that everything fell apart. Her mother had cheated on her father with one of the other surgeons named, Ben. The perfect little world fell apart around her slowly after that. The transition from her mother moving to Cleveland and giving the ten year old the choice to either stay there with her father or go to Cleveland with her mother made Spencer consumed with guilt. It was her choice to leave one parent and stay with the other. How could a ten year old little girl choose that? Spencer could remember that moment when she stood in the foyer of her house. She was ten; it was the summer, and the stray hairs that had fallen from her pig tails was stuck to her face. She had just played hide and seek with her brothers in the woods, and sweat had covered her body. She came into the large house to look for water; she had barley gotten inside the house when she heard her mother yell at her father. She was such an emotional child and she hated when people fought.

"Stop!" Spencer could hear the small voice inside her head yell at the adults. Immediately Spencer made the choice to live with her father.

Her mother never forgave her for making that choice.

It wasn't until that small girl began to spend the rest of the summers with her mother that they had begun to rebuild their relationship.

i _Then one summer it happened._ /i

Spencer was fifteen and she was staying at her mother's apartment. The young girl was watching her baby brother when there was a knock on the door.

It happened so fast that she couldn't do anything. She was terrified and scared and all she wanted was the comfort from her mother, the safeness of her father.

The man at the door looked relatively normal. He was smiling and asked the young girl if she had seen him nephew wondering around the apartment because he accidentally left his apartment door open and thought maybe the little three year old wondered out. Spencer, being the trusting and loving girl she was told him that she would help him find the little boy. Spencer had turned around to put her four month old little brother down in his swing when she felt a sharp pain in her skull.

She doesn't remember much.

i Suppressed memories /i

i Post Traumatic /i

i Emotionally Scarred /i

All these things she had heard from people around her a couple years later.

Spencer could remember a little bit of the first week, bits and pieces. She remembers being locked away in a white room. She didn't see a door, but knew there was one because he always came in there. She could always smell ammonia and rubbing alcohol.

She will always remember that rugged face and piercing blue eyes. She will never forget those eyes, which a lot of the time was the only thing she could see.

He did things to her.

Experiments she had remember him telling her.

He had always done things to scar her skin or hurt her emotionally. He would video tape everything he did. She remembers knocking down the small tripod and video camera once. She got burnt twelve times for that. She smelt flesh above the ammonia and the pain eventually went away. The pain always went away and she went with it.

On the seventh day…she just gave up.

She was locked inside the room for a year and nine months. Spencer only remembers the first seven days before she slipped into a self induce trance.

Spencer trailed her fingertips from the keyboard to the inside of her shirt so she let her fingers run across her back, feeling the scars.

She doesn't know how she was found. She just remembers being in the hospital, the doctors examining her and seeing all the evidence written on her body. She remember her parents there, they both was happy to see her but angered at what happened to their precious daughter. The doctor's determined that she had survived an extremely assistive amount of torture; surgical, physical, and emotional. The also determined that the young girl wasn't sexually tortured; they could not find any evidence pointing at that and they thought it was pure luck on her terms. The doctor's determined that the girl would eventually be healthy and alright.

Spencer determined that the doctors were full of shit.

Spencer was told that they had caught the man; they had got him when they had found her. He killed himself while awaiting sentence in prison.

Spencer remembered a couple months after she was released from the hospital. She was back at her small town home. He parents and brothers living there with her. They never gave her a second of peace. Paula couldn't bare leaving her little girl, and she couldn't bare living in that apartment. The apartment she had found one baby gone and the other mercilessly murdered on the floor.

Spencer was scared and everywhere she looked, there was a memory of what happened. Her parents, her brother, the whole town carried a piece of the memory and she couldn't stand it at all.

She made her decision one winter day. She sat at the top of the ice cold slide, and the childish playground haunted her. She kept seeing him there, even though she knew he was dead, she kept seeing him standing at the bottom of the slide. She couldn't be here anymore. She couldn't deal with it.

She went to her parents and told them she was leaving. They refused to let her go.

i _I have to leave!_ /i She had yelled and then turned it around on them, i _Maybe if you fucking looked for me then I wouldn't be fucked up like this!_ /i

That hit both of her parents in the heart. Her brother's watching from a distance. The anger, hurt, and negative in the girl lashing out at the family…

Spencer pulled herself away from those thoughts. She found herself frightened and shaking. She could feel her eyes gloss, but there was no tears spilling. She could not cry.

Instead, the girl whipped her head around the plush room and took a deep breath. Her body was shaking with fear. She hurried and closed out of myspace before standing up. She walked out of the room through Amalia's and down the hallway to the lighted living room. She needed to be in the light. She needed to see what was around her.

She stopped at the threshold. Ashley was sitting up against the couch with her head in her hands and ear buds in her ears. Spencer could hear the loud music from where she stood. The young rocker didn't look like she always looked; cold, distant, and a bitch. She looked like a regular teenage girl…who was typically hurting.

Spencer stilled her heart beat down to normal, but she couldn't stop her body from shaking. She didn't want the famous girl seeing her like this. She didn't want to loose her job for being labeled 'unstable', but she also felt like there was another reason why she didn't want the girl to see her like this.

Ashley was now looking up at the girl, who was thinking to herself and appeared to be frightened. She let her eyes scowl in confusion and concern. "You okay?" Her raspy voice asked.

Spencer looked over out of her, falling away from her thoughts. She nodded her head, "Umm, yeah, I couldn't sleep. Sorry."

Ashley shook her head, "No, it's okay. I mean you're aloud in here. We are both living here right?"

Spencer nodded shyly but stayed in her spot.

Ashley was now a little concerned, "You sure you're okay? You're shaking."

"I—I, ummm, just had a nightmare." Spencer said lying and looking around shiftily.

Ashley took the ear buds out of her ears and sat them down on the table next to the couch. She sat up and motioned for the blonde to come sit next to her. She didn't really know what to do, but she did know how to make a lady feel better in a time like this.

Spencer nervously sat down next the brunette. Ashley turned up the iPod so they both could hear it.

She confessed, "Sometimes when I feel like shit, I sit in here, the windows closed off to the world, and listen to music."

Spencer nodded, "What's wrong?"

Ashley smiled sadly at her, "I came back to the real world."

Spencer didn't reply. She could have thought what that meant, but her own problems distracting her.

Ashley took her hand, trying to comfort her. Instead there was a sharp electrical spark that flowed between the two that made them to pull their hands away. "Sorry." They both said. Ashley tried one more time, and this time she succeeded. She held Spencer's slightly larger and soft hand in hers.

"It was a nightmare," she said trying to comfort the smaller girl. She never really had to comfort anyone else, but she guesses that it was mainly common sense.

"Don't worry…I got you."

Haha told you I would give you a little bit of answers….

Check out and this fic there for bonus'.


	4. Chapter 4: Darkshine

**Part One D**

**Darkshines**

An hour later, Spencer sat staring at the bright orange wall in front of her. They had sat there listening to the iPod play Ashley's playlist of sad and hopeless songs. Ashley had not let go of Spencer's hand, and Spencer couldn't help but be amazed at how soft and smooth the older girl's hand. She was inebriated at the smell the girl had, vanilla and cinnamon. The spicy sweet smell had drifted up into Spencer's nose and makes her woozy. Ashley had laid her head on Spencer's shoulders. Spencer didn't know if the older girl was asleep or not, she was too scared to move.

She had let her thoughts drift off from the frightening thoughts of her past and to the thoughts the girl next to her.

She was sitting next to **the** Ashley Davies, something she had only fantasized about, something millions of girls have fantasized about. She had always stared at the pictures of her or fined different things off the internet about her and it make her stomach churn with want. She remembered sitting in hew Ohio home, a month after finally coming home, and listening to Ashley's music on her iPod. Her mother had given her a gift card for iTunes to fill up her iPod with music and there was this ad to listen to the brunette's music.

The music, soft and lovely, to techno and rocking, to real and hopeless, had all spoken to the blonde in some way. She felt connected to the girl. Spencer remembered sitting against her bed with her ear buds in her ear, and thinking that if the rocker had ever gave a small town girl a chance that they would hit it off.

Now, she didn't feel the same way about the older girl. After knowing her for a couple weeks, more like not knowing her, her opinion of the girl had changed. Spencer wasn't trying to be judgmental, but when someone walks around all high and mighty with a stick up their asses and not care about their children makes the blonde dislike them a little.

Being in this moment, sitting next to the smaller girl and inhaling her aroma…Spencer was inebriated.

She felt comfortable enough to fall asleep.

But how could she fall asleep? There were too many thoughts in her head to. There were thoughts about the girl next to her consuming all the frightening thoughts, blocking away the images. Spencer felt like an idiot for sitting there and thinking about the girl. The rock star, her boss.

i _I wonder if she would sing to_…/i Spencer hurried and covered her thoughts with worry about Amalia. She wondered if the little girl will wake up if she wasn't in the room. Spencer knew if she was two years old, and she woke up in a dark room she would be frightened to death.

"What happened here?" The husky voice of the girl next to Spencer startled her, making the blonde's heart put hard.

Ashley was rubbing the top of her ring finger where there was a small line going around the whole finger. The soft touch was making Spencer fell her heart flutter. She felt like such a loser. The feelings creeping into her body was the worst thing that could begin to happen in this moment; too much to deal with. Plus, why would Ashley ever have the same feelings for her. She had no life whatsoever, she was fucked up, damaged, broken, no money, and she was her daughter's nanny.

Also, the rock star was known for her activities…the fuck them and leave them activities. It was widely know that she would fuck about three girls a week. Once when she was interviewed on Ellen, the girl had said she had done this because she loved the women. Spencer couldn't help but think the L Word character 'Papi' was based of the older girl next to her.

Spencer looked down at where Ashley was rubbing and now regretted it. She rather have thoughts about the all the reasons why she wouldn't ever be with Ashley.

"Umm," Spencer started out trying to explain.

Ashley looked into Spencer's azure eyes and said in a confident voice, "You can tell me."

Spencer looked down, "My finger got cut off there." Her voice was barely a whisper and she could imagine watching this scene play out. She imagined herself sitting in front of herself and Ashley and watching the trembling expression on her own face.

Ashley's face scowled into a frown, "Huh?"

Spencer was about to speak before she heard a soft cry coming from the tiny body in the doorway. Spencer glanced over at the small girl in the doorway, the light brightening her tiny form. Amalia was rubbing at her eyes with a tiny enclosed fist and was holding Coley's hair with the other. The doll was dragging behind her as the little girl stumbled a few steps.

Spencer let go of Ashley's warm hand, and held out her arms for the sleep little girl.

"Bad dweam," the little girl groaned as she padded across the shaggy carpet to the blonde. Spencer scooped her into her arms and cradled the little two year old.

"Shh shh, its okay, it was not real." She said whispering reassurances to the tiny child.

The little girl shook her messy head against Spencer's shoulder, "Nah nah, rweal." Then the little girl began to babble incoherently about her nightmare. She could hear the word 'mamá' and 'not dere' mixed into her childish babble. It was true that once you were with a small child everyday you began to understand their babble. By the little Spencer understood, it was enough to tell her that Amalia was having a bad dream about Ashley not being there for her. It was probably the reoccurring dream the little girl had all the time. She wondered if Ashley noticed the effect that she had on the small little girl.

She heard the doll in the little girl's arms flop to the ground. She could feel Ashley's unguarded eyes on her and the little girl, observing the interaction.

Spencer rocked softly back and forth, the little girl's lightning blue eyes watching her with comfort slowly replacing the bad.

i _This would be the perfect time for you to put your voice to good use, Ms. Davies_. /i Spencer thought to herself. She could imagine her own heart skipping a beat if the older Davies would begin to sing to her daughter. She would be amazed if she would do anything for the little girl.

Spencer took a hold of the small little hand and put it to her face. She knew that children needed touch, and defiantly at such a young age that it was crucial. She knew that the hand to face touch was very helpful. She could feel Amalia's small hand hold to her jaw and the warmness coming from it. The little girl brought her thumb to rest between her lips and she turned her head to rest against Spencer's chest.

"Go to sleep sweet baby," sung lowly in a whisper, calming the little girl. It amazed her how much this small child could change her mood; how much the little girl could make her feel important and make all her worries go away.

Spencer noticed there was a tiny circular mole on the little girl's collar bone. She had seen the same mark in many of the photos of Ashley. It was a small unnoticeable mark, but if you were truly looking you could see it.

It was the only thing that could connect the timid child and the untamed rock star.

Soon Amalia's breath began to even and her eyes closed.

"How did you do that?" Ashley asked.

Spencer turned her head toward her, the little girl's small hand never moving from her cheek. She saw something in Ashley's eyes then, something that she had thought was there before she gave up hope for the girl.

i _I came back to the real world_… /i Ashley had said to her earlier.

Spencer hadn't given much thought to that because she was too tangled up in her own thoughts. But know as she thought on it she realized that Ashley does realize what goes on around her when she takes time and actually stops. It seemed that this girl had two personalities; the famous, conceited rock star and the normal, human girl. The latter was the one that everyone seen, but when the girl was alone with herself and actually stopped the real world came seeping back into her. Spencer probably suspected that when the real world hit her, it was like an 18 wheeler smacking into her.

"I didn't do anything but reassured her and gave her the attention she b **needed** /b." Spencer said a little too harshly. She couldn't help it, the little girl was growing on her and she felt the need to protect the child…even from her own mother.

Ashley sat back, the comment didn't go unnoticed. It felt like the blonde had twisted the knife that was already in her chest.

i _So, she realized that_/i Ashley thought to herself.

i _Of course she realized that you fucking retard, the whole world can see that you don't even know your own child. Hell, most the world don't even know you still have a daughter._ /i Ashley's inner voice answered her in an angered tone.

i _Davies, here we go again with these schizophrenic conversations_. /i

i _Write a damn song about it then_. /i

Spencer watched the different expressions flow onto the brunettes face. It looked as if the girl was having a conversation back and forth with herself. It sort of lightened the mood for the blonde a little bit before she noticed Ashley was not staring at her.

"Umm, yeah, you are right." Ashley replied to the blond.

"She's a small child; she needs love and comfort and safeness." Spencer spoke again glancing down at the small child, "If she doesn't receive it while she is young, then it will be very difficult for her in her future."

Ashley looked down, a frown showing up on her face. Guild was rising into her body as quick as it could, flooding her and overtaking her. She leaned her back against the couch again, slouching into herself. She was a terrible person, a terrible selfish person, a terrible mother. She couldn't make it better and she would never be able to make it better.

Spencer shook her head, hoping that the young mother didn't expect her to suddenly comfort her and tell her that she was doing the best she could. Spencer would not give into Ashley's guilt.

i _Aww, but she looks so adorable and helpless_…/i Spencer caught herself thinking. She snapped out of those kinds of thoughts.

Spencer stood up with the small girl in her arms. She looked down at the hunched over brunette who looked like she had just got hit in the stomach.

"I-i—I'm going to leave you to your thoughts." Spencer began to walk toward the door, moving the girl so her head rested on her shoulder. The little girl still held her hand to Spencer's cheek, not want to loose that human contact. "I—I'm going off to bed, thanks and goodnight."

Spencer padded her way through the dark hallways with her free hand in front of her to make sure she didn't run into anything. When she made it into her room, she made a mental note to go to wal-mart and get some nightlights to put in the apartment.

"THE WEATHER IN HOLLYWOOD THIS MORNING IS BEAUTIFUL. THE SUN IS UP AND THE TEMPITURE IS PERFECT."

"WHY YES RONALD IT IS. TODAY IS A PERFECT 87 DEGREES WITH A SOFT BREEZE. GET OUT YOUR BEACH EQUIPTMENT BECAUSE TODAY IS THE PREFECT DAY TO DO IT."

"YES, SANDRA, BUT REMEMBER TO SET YOUR TEVOS KIDS BECASUSE ASHLEY DAVIES WILL BE ON OPRAH'S SPECIAL TONIGHT."

"OF COURSE!"

Spencer rubbed her eyes fiercely, the loud sound of the radio flowing to her ears. She looked around and knew it wasn't her alarm going off because her little alarm was still softly snoring in the spot next to her.

Spencer dragged herself out of bed and her feet hitting the cold floor caused a shiver to run down her back. The loud radio seemed to be coming from the room behind the wall behind her bed.

Spencer quickly made her was into the main hallway and let her ear listen for the sound. She stopped in front of one of the large doors. She knocked a couple times.

No answer.

Knock.

Knock.

Knock.

Still no answer.

Spencer reached for the door, her hand coming in contact with the cold door knob. She twists the knob and slowly walked into the dark room. The natural light from the hallway lighted the way to a large California king size bed in the center of the room. She could tell the room had light gray wall like Amalia's original room. There was a dark wood carpet and pictures lining the walls in an organized, but artistic manner. There were small decorating lights hanging from three wall of the room, giving little beams of light from the ceiling but nothing that could help people see much.

Spencer softly made her way into the room, noticing that there was a large portrait above the bed. It was of Ashley with her back turned to the camera with a tiny newborn up against her shoulder facing toward the camera. The photograph was black and white except for the bright blue eyes of the child.

Spencer's heart fell into her stomach as she noticed pictures of the little girl scattered around in frames. There were also numerous pictures of a girl who resembled Ashley, which Spencer knew from magazines and interviews, was Kyla Woods, Ashley's half sister. There were a couple pictures of Raife Davies. Spencer was astound of how much simple and humanistic the room was.

She was here on a mission.

To turn off that retched alarm clock.

She could tell that it lay on the side table next to the brunette's bed. In the center of the bed Ashley lay. The large amount of covers kicked to the bottom and the smaller girl laid there facing Spencer, hugging a large body pillow…sound asleep.

i _Is that drool_/i Spencer though to herself, letting a small girly giggle escape her lips.

OKAY, HERE IS A NEW SONG FROM THE SINGER'S OLD ALBUM CALLED 'DARKSHINES'

The electric music began to play as Spencer carefully and quietly began walking toward the bed to wake the girl.

PASSING BY

YOU LIGHT UP MY DARKEST SKIES

YOU'LL TAKE ONLY SECONDS TO DRAW ME IN

SO BE MINE

AND YOUR INNOCENCE I WILL CONSUME

The words carried their way to Spencer's ears and make a sharp tingle run down her spine as if someone was dancing their finger tips down the curvy rack of bones.

DARKSHINES

BRING ME DOWN

MAKING MY HEART FEEL SORE

BECAUSE IT'S GOOD

Spencer made her way to the edge of the bed. The gray sheets covered Ashley's lower body to the edge of where her back turned into her ass. Spencer's breathe hitched in her throat. The beautiful smooth skin was looking like it wanted to be touched.

HOLD YOUR HANDS

UP TO YOUR EYES AGAIN

HIDE FROM TH ESCARY SCENES

SUPPRESS YOUR FEARS

SO BE MINE

AND YOUR INNOCENCE I WILL CONSUME

Nervously, Spencer reached a shaky hand toward the sleeping girl. The same hand that the rocker had held the night before. She lightly touched the softness of the girl's upper left shoulder, the muscles flexing underneath her fingertips.

"Ashley?"

The smaller girl just groaned and shifted a little bit. Spencer pressed her hand a little harder against the warm, smooth skin and shook a little. "Hey, your clock has been going off."

The smaller girl sat up a little on her forearms, her eyes still closed and her hands coming up to rub against them. Spencer tried not to look down in-between the spot between her arms but it was hard not to. She could see perky coral colored nipples resting on the edge of the pillow and her heard skipped a couple beats.

"Uhhh?" The girl's voice was raspy and scratchy from not using it for a couple hours. She opened her eyes and looked at the blonde. Smacking her lips together and letting her pink tongue dart out to coat them with saliva she asked, "Spencer that you?"

The blond nodded and wondered if it would be considered rape if she jumped into the bed with the brunette and began to hump her leg. "Yeah, your alarm is going off."

Ashley let a loud groan escape her lips as she reached down to pull up the sheets. "Fuck! I forgot I have to begin to get ready. Has Eric made it over here yet?"

"Eric?" Spencer asked disappointed to see the sheet pulled up over the brunette.

"Yeah, my stylist, I have to get ready for that stupid ass Oprah thing."

Spencer almost for got that the girl was going to talk to Oprah. It just said it on the radio a couple minutes ago, "No I just woke up. I could hear the clock in…umm…my room."

"Oh, well sorry about that," Ashley said a little bitchy. "God, I don't want to go to this fucking thing alone."

Spencer let out a small laugh, "Your going to talk to Oprah, why in the hell would you NOT want to go?"

Ashley cocked an eyebrow at the girl, "You like Oprah don't you?"

Spencer looked away shyly, "Yeah, I always wanted to be the cross between Ellen and Orpah."

This cause Ashley to laugh a little. It was weird seeing the rock star behave so freely, "How about you and Amalia come with me today?"

Spencer almost did a double take.

"Okay get out, I gotta put some clothes on. Get Amalia ready by three and yourself."

Spencer walked out of the bedroom halfway confused at what just happened.

Ashley watched Spencer leaving the room. The rock star had a grin on her face. She didn't know what was going on with her this morning but she likes it. Her smile suddenly fell…What the fuck is she doing?

DARKSHINES

BRINGING ME DOWN

MAKING MY HEART FEEL SORE

BECAUSE IT'S GOOD

YOUR DARL SHINES

Sorry no goodies right now. I am at my aunt's and she doesn't have photoshop. But is anyone really good in photoshop? I know i could make me a killer sig if my computer wasn't slow, but i was wondering if someone could make me one. I mean if it wouldn't be too much...there would be something in it for you of course wink.gif

I gotta work tomorrow so it just determines how much feedback i get for me to update again tomorrow.

Loves!

Thanks so much for the reviews. If you want replies just ask, i will totally talk to you. Some of you i reply to anyway.


	5. Chapter 5: Post Traumatic

I had a bad day; panic attack and a breakdown. So, I didn't go to work…

This was really hard to write.

Here you go.

b **Part One E** /b

u b **Post Traumatic** /b /u

i _You've seen the worst the world can give_

_You hold inside what you can't forget_

_The armor grows to block the pain_

_It's just so hard to communicate_

_And you never thought you'd burn out_

_But sometimes you feel numb_ /i

Amalia sat on the playroom floor flipping through a book Spencer had just got done reading. The tiny girl was glancing over each page, studying the intricate pictures of Alice in Wonderland extremely close. Spencer had notice a while ago how the young two year old was so intuitive, timid, and gifted the little girl. She watched the little girl softly talk to herself in the two year old battle. Spencer couldn't help but wonder if the little girl was always by herself.

Interrupting the child, she reminded the little girl, "Hey, babe, don't mess up you dress okay? Your mommy wants to take you to meet a special lady."

The two year old looked from her book to Spencer and then down at her She smoothed a little of it out before smiling back up at Spencer. "won mess it oop." She said before turning back to the colorful pages of the old book.

Spencer smiled, knowing the little girl would be alright if she went into the kitchen and made them a snack to eat on the way to the show. Spencer was halfway excited that Ashley invited the girls a long, well more like demanded, but it is all the same. The young was excited but very cautious at the same time. She was afraid that if she went, she would be recognized as 'that kid who got abducted'. But Spencer had to remind herself that she was only in the news for a week before her parents pulled out and didn't respond to the media.

i _What if they held out a little longer?_ /i Spencer thought to herself. i _Then maybe they would have found you…_/i

Spencer shook her head of these thoughts, she couldn't think like this. She couldn't keep putting herself thought the memories of what had happened to her. The blonde began to force thoughts about Amalia on her. i_ She is such a great kid. The way she smiles is like the sun. She is so quiet and loving. The way she makes strange faces is so adorable. _/i Spencer kept her thoughts about the small child, creating a false since of positive thinking on her part.

She walked through the hallway into the kitchen. The open room bright and welcoming.

Spencer walked over to the fridge and grabbed a container of strawberries and closed the door. She walked over to the counter and began to carefully cut up the berries and place them in a small Tupperware bowl.

She watched as she slices each strawberry carefully and tried to avoid her pale fingers. She forced herself to think positive…she needed to think positive right now.

She hated getting this way.

She took long deep breathes. Slow and long, feeling her body from head to toe.

She sliced another berry.

She took another breath.

Calm.

She needed to be calm.

She needed to be happy.

She needed to be okay.

"Oh, Ashley Darling, You are my sunshine!" A loud and deeply accent British voice said coming down the hall toward the kitchen.

Spencer froze.

The male voice began to sing as he came down the hall, laughing through the words. "Oh, you are my sunshine, my only sunshine; you make me happy when skies are grey…"

She couldn't breathe. She couldn't get enough air in her body. As much as she gasped for breathes, she couldn't get the air.

i _The scalpel in his hand reflected the florescent light from the ceiling. Spencer could see a reflection in the shiny object as he sterilized. The smell of ammonia fled to her nostrils and she continued to stare at the reflection. The lifeless eyes, flat blond hair, pale skin…that couldn't be her._ /i

Her heart was racing through her body, beating violently at her chest. Trying to escape, her heart couldn't go anywhere except in the small cage in her chest. She could barley move, and panic was coursing through her body. She could feel her hands shaking.

i _He smiled at her before reaching over with his white rubber hands and pushing a strand of blond hair out of her face. She didn't know what he was going to do, she was terrified. She couldn't scream, the IV hooked up to her arm was most likely the cause of that. Instead she sat there paralyzed with her hands resting on the small table in front of her; fingers spread out. She could feel her heart beating in her throat, as if it was trying to escape through her mouth. _

"_Common Sunshine, look at me while I do this." The husky British voice sounded playful. He enjoyed his job very much. He began humming to himself as he sat the scalpel down and picked up a anesthetic wipe and began to wipe at Spencer's left fingers. _

"_Oh, the other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken and I hung my head and cried." He began to sing lightly_. /i

Sweat trickled down her forehead as she lent against the kitchen counter gasping for air. She felt like a fish that had been dropped mercilessly out of it's bowl. She felt tremors run through her body and she tried so hard to control them, but it was too late.

The voice was now singing happily into the room. She could feel someone behind her.

"Hey, you okay?" The British voice, laced with a hint of femininity, asked her as he came closer.

Her body was suddenly on heat and the consuming warmth was making it even harder for her to breathe.

i _He continued singing the main verse of the song as he smiled cheekily at her. She darted her eyes around the room. _

_Why could she never find the door out? _

_Her eyes enlarged as she saw him pick up the scalpel again and her hand in his other hand. The smooth texture of his rubber covered hands was now unwelcome. She tried to scream when she felt the sharp edge of the object slice into her ring finger, but it only came out as a loud throaty grown. She couldn't speak, move, or barley breathe. All she could do was watch and feel the excruciating pain of the object slide round her finger._ /i

Her toes felt like someone was sticking small, unnoticeable needles in them as they began to feel slightly numb and tingling.

This sudden and overwhelming fear was breaking through her body with a strong force. She hated this; that she was a prisoner in her own body. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't keep still, she couldn't think properly. All she could think about was that song. Her adrenaline pumped through her body, like the clear liquid that had been in the IV; fast and smooth.

She felt a hand on her shoulder pulling her around, "Hey, you okay?" The guy asked again. He looked nothing like b**he**/b did, but in that moment Spencer didn't care. She backed away quickly into the counter, the sharp edge digging into her back.

"Hey, Eric, what's taking you…" The sweet, intoxicating voice of Ashley Davies said walking into the kitchen.

She saw Spencer drop the knife that she had had a death grip on moments earlier. Concerned for the younger girl, she ran to her side, grabbing a dish towel in the process. She had no idea what was happening to the girl, but she had so much worry in her body that it frightened her.

Ashley held the dishtowel to Spencer's arm hard. Spencer, gasping for air, looked down and noticed a long cut from the top of her wrist to a little below her forearm. The cut was bad enough to drawl blood, but not too deep.

She could barley feel the pain; all her adrenaline pumping through her body causing the effect of pain no to plague her. No, she had much deeper pain anyway.

Much deeper.

i

"_I'll always love you, and make you happy. If you will only say the same, but if you leave me to love another, You'll regret it all some day." He finished the song, flashing another white smile at the girl who had silent tears streaming down her pale cheeks. _

_The lifted the amputated finger to show the girl. _

"_Funny…so entirely funny how you can cut off a body part…"_

_He examined the bloody, pale, flesh for a few moments. His blue eyes burning at it as her looked at the intricate prints on the pads of the finger. He lowered the finger back down to her bloody hand, whipping a little at the blood. He pressed the amputated finger against the stub before reaching for the stitches kit. _

"…_and put it right back on…"_

_The needle dug into her flesh, causing endless pain_. /i

Ashley lowered the girl to the floor. She looked over at Eric with asking eyes. She had no idea what was wrong with the girl and neither did her stylist.

Spencer's body tightened up and she stopped breathing. Her body was pressing against the brunette.

i_Her heartbeat is so hypnotic_,/i Spencer thought onto herself. Her breathing began to come back to her. Steady, fast, and strong…but she could now breathe. Slowly she had her heartbeat beating in sync with the brunette's. She could feel the older girl's breathe against her ear, but she couldn't hear anything. Her blood was trying to pump at regular speed and her tremors were gone.

Panic was slowly leaving her body as Ashley unconsciously stroked her hair. "That's it, its okay, its okay."

Spencer collapsed in tears as she held tightly onto the brunette's lithe body. The panic attack over, leaving her to deal with the aftermath.

Ashley looked over at a shocked Eric. He mouthed, "What the fuck?"

Ashley shrugged and mouthed back, "Call Diem, cancel Oprah."

He nodded his head before turning around and running toward the living room. Going unnoticed, the little girl walked into the kitchen looking for Spencer. When she saw her mother holding the exhausted girl on the floor, her face covered in worry.

Ashley noticed the little girl as she held the crying blonde. Her heart fell as she saw the little girl's face scowl with worry. The little girl had so much emotion in her that the older girl had never noticed.

Spencer didn't know that the child was behind her or she would have attempted to straighten herself up. Instead she held closer to the brunette, tears wouldn't stop falling out of her eyes. She was getting a headache at how hard she held her eyes closed.

"Mamá, what's wong?" The little girl asked, her body filled with more worry than a two year old should feel. She watched wide eyed at the blonde's back shack against her mother.

Ashley said torn at the little girl's emotion, "She just hurt herself, baby, that's all. Go back playing."

The little girl stood there, debating with herself if she should listen to the strange authority of her mother.

"It's okay, baby, she'll be okay." Ashley reassured the two year old before turning her attention back to Spencer.

Spencer had softened the tremors, and now only had tears. She had probably ruined Ashley's silky dress. She tried to feel sorry but her mind was only on one thing. She closed her eyes and held close to the girl.

She hated herself for feeling safe in the stranger's arms.

i_Her eyes fell to the white walls of the room as she blended into them. Falling away from the world, and deep inside herself, she found her door for escaping_. /i

i_ I'm frightened by what I see  
but somehow I know that there's much more to come   
immobilized by my fear  
and soon to be blinded by tears  
I can stop the pain if I will it all away _/i

Music used:

Heroes Unsung by Steve Siler

Whisper by Evanescence

There will be Oprah in the future, but I needed to write and this was what came out first. Sorry if I disappointed anyone.


	6. Chapter 6: Amazing

Okay, I'm back from my hiatus. I was at the hospital since early Monday and got out yesterday. I wrote a little but mostly stayed focused on my treatment. Good news for you guys, I can't work right now, doctor's orders, so I have more time to write. Yay! Anyway on with the story….It's beginning to get….well you'll see haha. Oh but I did promise you guys a Spashley gift, so you will get that….and some more graphics! (Graphics on spashley dot com)

Sorry so short, I'm still getting back into the swing of things.

b **FOR ****tutorgurl**** FOR MAKING THE KICK ASS BANNER!!!!** /B

b **Part One: Chapter Six** /b

bu **Amazing** /u/b

Spencer sat on the edge of the bed, her feet flat on the floor. The young girl's body was calm except for the occasional tremor. She felt drained and as if she had no energy at all. Her body slumped over and she looked at her hands that were placed on the bed.

"Hey," Ashley said walking into the darkened room. She had changed out of the dark red silk dress into a pair of short boxers and a tank. Spencer looked up and let her blue eyes rake over the older girl. Spencer was amazed at how beautiful the girl was, and that she was even in the same room with the girl. Ashley had a pair of expensive black rimmed glasses framing her brown cocoa eyes, and a small smile on her lightly glossed lips. The new lade back look made Spencer's stomach churn.

Spencer watched the girl intensely trying to figure out everything. She wondered why the older girl was being so nice to her, almost like she was taking care of her. Spencer wasn't used to such treatment, in face the younger girl was still getting used to living in the plush apartment and getting paid an extensive amount of money. Ashley Davies suddenly had an unknown and unseen hold on her and she was becoming afraid of such a hold. Spencer was vulnerable; in all honesty she was still a fragile girl who needed someone. She was afraid she would give in the rock star and be used up like all the other girls.

"Hey," Spencer whispered back at her, looking back down at her hands. She couldn't look up at the brunette. One reason was that she was ashamed at her earlier out burst. She was embarrassed about how that happened and at how she clung helplessly to the girl. She was afraid that she would loose her job once Ashley found out just how unstable she was. The other reason was she was becoming afraid of her ever bubbling feelings for the brown eyed girl. She continued, "Did you get Amalia down alright for her nap?"

Ashley nodded, taking a seat next to the blonde. "Yeah…umm…she listened alright. She was still worried about…umm…you." Spencer found the nervousness in Ashley's voice comfortable; she liked seeing the human side of Ashley instead of the snobby rock star.

Ashley watched the blonde, watching the way she folded into herself. Unconsciously she lifted a perfect manicured hand and pushed a couple strands of hair from the girl's face. Spencer turned her head into the hand and met the girl's tainted brown eyes with her pure blue ones.

i _I could write a song about this_/i Ashley thought to herself getting lost inside Spencer's gloomy eyes. She tried to look deep into them, but they were locked.

Spencer turned her head away. "She hasn't had a snack."

"I called in some Chinese. It should be here in thirty." Ashley noted. "Are you hungry?"

"Nope."

"You okay?" Ashley asked with a hint of her wall coming back.

"Of course," her voice was a little above a whisper. It scared herself that she was so shaken up like this.

"W-w-w," Ashley began to start, but stopped for a second. Spencer could feel Ashley's eyes on her, burning into her with unanswered questions. Ashley wasn't one to keep quiet though. She took a deep breath and began, "What happened?"

Spencer's breathe hitched and a tremor ran through her body. "Umm…"

Ashley took Spencer's hand into her's. Her hand held a certain roughness to it, but also had an unseemly amount of warmth. "How about you get some sleep?"

"No, Amalia…"

"Go to bed Spencer." Ashley demanded from the younger girl. She stood up with a small smile curved on her bee stung lips. Spencer stood up and Ashley stepped forward to stop her from walking anywhere. The electric pulse racing through both their bodies was overwhelming. They were close, too close, and Spencer could feel the heat from Ashley's body. This made a strange warmth wash over the girl, and she felt it suddenly rush to her core.

"I'm gonna go in my…" Spencer said pointing in the direction of her room. She tried to walk forward, but the rock star only blocked her way.

"No, you lay down in here. It's more relaxing, or at least that's the bull shit my Fung Shui consultant keeps feeling me." Ashley said lightly grabbing the tired girl and pushing her back onto the bed. Once the younger girl was sitting down, Ashley bent down to remove the back flats the girl had on her feet. She looked up into the tired eyes of the girl as she took off each shoe and sock on the girl's feet. "You never thought you would get Ashley Davies to take off your shoes did you?"

Spencer frowned at the girl's cocky comment; any other time she might have laughed or smiled at the comment, but this time she wasn't in the mood for the arrogant, narcissistic side of the older girl. Spencer was afraid at the sort of mood she was in. She wanted someone caring, but she also felt that she could snap any second. The tiredness and panic attack caused frustration and anger whelm up in her body. She didn't want to say anything she could regret.

Ashley looked back down; she noticed her comment didn't pass well. She sat Spencer's socks and shoes at the bottom of the bed and stood back up. She walked out of the room for a minute, out of Spencer's sight before coming back with a tee shirt.

"Here, let's put this on." She said handing the girl the shirt. She waited a few moments until she noticed the blank look on the blonde's face and she turned around. She heard a few sounds before the blonde told her it was okay to look. Spencer was clad in a pair of blue boy shirts and the white tee that Ashley gave her. The brunette felt a strange connection to the girl that it was becoming overpowering. She became very uncomfortable in what she was feeling and she knew that it was because the blonde looked so helpless in front of her.

Ashley hurried and began walking out of the room. "Sleep good, call me if you need anything."

Spencer watched as the girl fled the room, eyes wide. She didn't know what to think. When the brunette left, all the thoughts and insecurities of her past came flooding into her like hot, burning lava. She hurried and scooted back to the top of the bed and curled herself underneath the covers.

She let the intoxicating smell of the girl feel her, chasing away all the thoughts of her past.

Ashley was amazed.

Amalia was an adorable, brilliant, little girl.

It made Ashley's heart sink when she discovered this.

Ashley had woken the small child after their dinner was delivered. She took the small child into the kitchen and proceeded to feed her. The child was reluctant at first, not meeting eye contact or speaking much. She felt bad, but after starting up small conversation with the small girl and getting her out of her shell, she noticed the child was wonderful. Ashley brought her into the playroom after dinner. The little girl played a lot, talked a lot, and made the young rock star smile more than ever.

"Mamá, wook at her. Tis is Cowey." The little girl said dragging her favorite doll by the hair behind her. Ashley smiled as the doll slide across the wooden floor of the playroom.

The little girl held the doll up to her mother to show her. Ashley, who was sitting Indian style, smiled and took the doll from the little girl. She examined the doll in her hands, a hungry feeling whelmed in her stomach as she knew that the money she sent for her daughter had bought it. She couldn't even take time to pick out it her fucking self.

"Wow, baby, this is pretty. She looks just like you!" Ashley said smiling at her daughter. The look on her daughter's face was priceless to the older girl. Every time she was with the girl the small child would never show any emotion, unless Spencer was around. She was happy that the little girl was letting herself go so freely.

The little girl bobbed her head up and down eagerly. "Yup yup."

Ashley sat the doll in her lap, the blonde doll's hair still a mess.

She looked at her daughter and smiled. The little girl stood in front of her mother happily. She thought this would be a good time to ask her daughter about earlier. "Baby, does Spencer ever do that when I'm not here?"

The little girl looked at her mother, "Swake?"

Ashley nodded.

"Nuh-nuh, she away play wit me." The child conformed.

"Okay." Ashley said getting no where. She was generally concerned about the younger girl. She smiled at the little girl, who's face went serious. "You like her don't you?"

The little girl nodded her head up and down quickly, "Yup yup! I wuv her!"

Ashley frowned, her heart suddenly broken.

She had never heard her daughter say that.

She had never heard her daughter say she loved her.

That made Ashley full with emotion.

"Mamá, you otay?" the little girl said dropping into her lap onto her knees. Her little hands came up to rest on each side of the woman's face. Small innocent azure eyes examined her. Ashley's heart sank at her daughter's concerted. She studied the girl's serious face and furrowed eyebrows. Her big almond shape eyes held something in them that was locked away from the rock star, something her daughter wouldn't let out. The look on her daughters face right now looked exactly like the look Spencer had given her hours ago.

i Exactly the same/i Ashley thought to herself before reassuring the little girl she was alright.

"Good." The little girl stated before getting up and grabbing the doll by her hair again. "Cowey going to bed."

Ashley watched as the little girl walked over to the inside playhouse and slipped away behind one of the tiny doors. Ashley heard a thump sound as her daughter came out. She guessed that the child had thrown her doll somewhere.

"Mamá why you gone all da time?" The little girl asked busing herself with her Alice in Wonderland book. She picked it up off the ground and brought it over so she was sitting by her mother.

Ashley watched the intelligent little girl, "That's my job."

The little girl looked up at Ashley, some blond strands falling in her face. Her blue eyes looked through the strands and she asked, "To stay fwom me?"

She felt tears fill her eyes. She didn't know how to respond. She stood up and began walking out the door, "I'll come back to put you to bed."

Ashley had spent three hours in her recording studio before coming back and putting her daughter to bed. She found the little girl curled up by the Alice in Wonderland book on the floor. Ashley couldn't bare with herself. She felt entirely guilty about how she was raising and treating her daughter. She had picked up the girl and put her in her large unused bed. Ashley didn't know any other way of parenting. She didn't know what to do, or how to do it. She never had that example as she grew up. She had nannies until she was eight and from then it was all by herself with some help from the staff. Her father was always on tour, and she barely saw him. Her mother was always designing something and off with her man candy. The brunette didn't know what she was doing.

She knew that she was treating her daughter how she had been treated.

She went back into her studio to save all her work. As she was cleaning up her work area her cell began playing "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails.

"Fuck." She said to herself reaching for the phone.

She answered, "What?"

"Hello to you too babe." The soft, beautiful voice flowed from the other end of the phone flooded into Ashley's ears making her head hurt.

"Jezabelle, I thought I told you to fuck off." Ashley said gritting her teeth.

"Oh honey, the last time you told me that we ended up in the confessional. Now, that's not the reason I called you. I called to tell you that you have three months to come up with some new tracks. Hunter wants new music out soon, and soon being now." The voice demanded in a saucy voice.

"What the fuck ever, Jez. I really don't care at this fucking moment. All I care about is going to be now."

"You better care Ms. Imbetterthaneveryfuckingbodyelse because if you want to be the best, then you better so some shit."

"I just released an album six months ago."

"Gwen Stefani released two within these six months."

"Okay, Jez, I get your point. I'll have Jac call you tomorrow with the details. Bye." Ashley said trying to rush her ex off the phone.

"Bye baby." The girl said tauntingly.

Ashley growled before sitting her cell back on her work table. She hated the other girl. Jezabelle had been her girlfriend of five months; she thought she had loved the girl. In all reality, Ashley Davies didn't know what love was.

She took a breath and walked back into her room. She was startled for a moment when she saw the blonde peacefully asleep. Then she remembers she put her asleep there. The young girl was clutching on of her pillows, taking long deep breaths. She looked so peaceful, there was no worry or fear or anything written on the girl's face. She looked young, relaxed, and more beautiful than ever.

Ashley shut the door behind her, making the room dark except for the small lights draped across the top of her walls. She made her way to her huge bed and climbed onto it. She climbed underneath the covers and got comfortable.

She lay there for a second. She could feel the blonde's warm body inches from hers. She had the sudden urge to hold the girl.

Ashley pulled off her glasses and set them on the side table. She turned towards the girl's back and got close to her. She let a hand slide across her waste, pulling the girl to herself. She felt the girl's warm body in frond of her's. Ashley draped her leg over the girl's body and buried her head into the girl's back.

She felt Spencer's body relax even more. A thin slender hand made it's way to cover her own.

Ashley had guilt wrapped all in her body; holding onto the younger girl helped her feel better. All the drugs and alcohol that had been in her system, all the girls she had fucked, all the roads she crossed was gone. They had all left her alone and molded her into something she hated.

Spencer, to her, felt like something that she could hold onto and wouldn't leave her. She didn't know where it came from but Spencer made her feel it.

Ashley lightly sung into the girl's ear. "Can you pretend I'm amazing? Instead of what we both know…"

A small forgotten tremor went through the blond, making the heavenly voice quiet for a moment. She settled back down in the girl's arms, and Ashley continued singing herself to sleep softly.

"How am I supposed to breathe? I try to relax. I touch your still frame, so I can watch you closer…"

b **Thank you to all my readers and my reviewers! You guys make me update all the time and make me feel good!** /b


	7. Chapter 7: Calling You

Music I was listening to while writing: Bodies by Disturbed, A Perfect Circle, and Calling You by Blue October

Part One: Chapter Seven

Calling You

The skyline lit up the usually dark room with a bright glow reflecting off the walls. She sat up against the bed, her knees drawn up to her and her head resting lightly on them. The small form behind her on the bed was snoring softly. She had gotten used to this, being surrounded by everything that was Ashley. For the last month while the rock star was here, both girl's came to a conscious agreement to sleep in the same room. It was never spoken of or pointed out, but just became a routine that both girls followed.

Usually Spencer had always gone to bed earlier than the older girl, so she would climb into the bed and fall asleep. Ashley had locked herself in her recording studio for most of the days, but she could softly climb in a couple hours later. Then, in the middle of the night, Spencer would wake up and check on the smallest Davies. A couple times the little girl had woken up, but many other times the child was sleeping soundly.

Now, the older girl was gone off on tour in Asia, leaving the blonde alone. She had grown used to the girl's presence even though she wasn't there most of the time. The older girl made Spencer feel safe and comfortable. That sort of scared the blonde, that the girl was the only one (except Amalia) to make her feel so content.

She sat completely still, her head aching with a strong pounding coming from the inside out. Today had been the fifth day since the rock star had left to go on her tour. The tour that was supposed to be two months from now was brought forward due to the brunette's ability to produce more songs than needed. Spencer had been feeling awful all day. She had barley no sleep. She was used to the older girl and now she had to learn to get by on her own again. She hated that she had gotten attached.

Spencer let out a yawn before opening her eyes to look around.

She saw the Los Angeles skyline.

She turned her head, and she saw darkness. Spencer closed her eyes and laid her head back down. It was becoming even worse.

Thoughts came flooding uncontrollably.

_She sat with her knees drowned up to her chest, her back pressing into the corner of the white wall. The florescent lights were making the walls seem like they were even brighter than they should be. The entire room of whiteness and the every illuming smell of ammonia made Spencer feel too clean. She could feel her bare back against the coldness of the wall create goose bumps. The white cotton hospital gown didn't reach behind her whole body making her feel exposed. _

_She had no idea where she was at._

_She had woken up here, and all she knew was that there was no way out._

_No where to run or hide._

_He stood in front of her now. His piercing eyes burned into her with fire. The man let a lazy smile creep onto his face. He lifted his right hand; a small white rectangular piece was in it. He pressed down on it and a loud booming sound came from nowhere. Loud rock music was booming through the room, ricocheting off the walls into Spencer's ears. _

_The young girl put her hands to her ears, the sound frightening her even more. She was terrified at what the man was going to do to her. All the CNN and other nightly news the young girl had saw made her revolted; but she knew what happened on all those news channels was probably going to happen to her. _

_Her heart began to pound in her chest, her blood pumping. Fear was taking over her body as she continued to look into the guy's blue eyes and let the music flood over her body. He had put the small rectangular remote back into the pocket of his cargo khakis. His smile never fading. _

_Spencer wondered what the tall lanky body of the man had already done to her. _

_His teeth sparkled in the light has he bent down to her level. "Hello Precious, it's so good you're awake."_

_Spencer looked up at him. Tears in her glossy eyes were making it hard to see, and she hadn't noticed that her body was shaking. "I just want to go home." The young girl whispered. _

_She wasn't anything but a child. _

_He chuckled, "Sorry, Precious."_

_She looked up at him wide eye, her tears unleashing. She wasn't strong, no, she was very weak and emotional. "Please, just let me go home."_

_The man stood up and turned around for a brief seconded, reaching into both of his deep pockets. Out of one he pulled out a round ten inch pole and in the other a small handheld blow torch. He showed the crying young girl. _

"_Now, this is going to be fun." He said in a thick British accent. _

_Spencer looked at the contents in his hand and fear pulled her back against the wall. She jerked away from him and began to cry even harder. "Please, please no, no don't." Her cries were muffled by the loud hiccups and tremors in her body. Still the young girl cried, "Please, I'll do anything! Please, I just want my mommy." _

_He showed no mercy, but took pleasure in sitting his tools down at the edge of the room. He came back to the blond. Her face was red with tears; her hair was messed and flat. He laughed at himself knowing that soon the life filled azure eyes would soon be lifeless and limp. _

_He dragged the frightened and thrashing teen to the middle of the white room. Her begging and crying only made him enjoy this more. He ripped off the small gown, exposing the small girl. Spencer was incoherent now, her cried not understood. She held her hands to her small triangle breasts and closed her legs together. Terror coursing through her veins. _

_He pushed her head down and her back exposed to him. _

_The torch was lit._

_The pole was heated._

_The smell of skin drifted across the room. _

_The first day was always an introductory_

She sat there hollow over an hour. Replaying that scene in her head over and over. The flashback brought the feeling of numbness coursing in her body as she slowly crept back into her body.

Her breathing was faster than normal. This was the first time in a month since she had a horrible flashback like that, at least any that she remembered. This moment was becoming overwhelming and frightening. She tried to take a deep breathe to calm her body and another to block away the images. She didn't want to have another panic attack like the one she had suffered a month ago.

The phone rang, the loud noise piercing through her thoughts. Spencer reached across down to her side for the cordless. She was slightly irritated at who would call in the middle of the night. Then again, a lot of weird woman would call the Davies household in the middle of the night.

"Hello?" She tried to say in her normal voice, but it only came out as a breathless whisper.

"Oh common, Spence, why you still awake?" The raspy voice of the rock star was on the other end. The teasing, lively voice was refreshing.

"Ashley?" Spencer asked.

A chuckled sounded on the other end and the cheeky rock star asked, "Yup, the one and only, babe. So, you couldn't sleep without me?"

"No, I can…"

"Then why are you awake at three in the morning?" The older girl asked a matter of factly.

Spencer suddenly felt a since of relief overflow her body and her breathing was slowing to normal. The tenseness of her body slowly leaving as the girl's heavenly voice came over her. She changed the subject, "How's Asia?"

"I'm in Shanghai right now. The girl's over here go crazy of me!" She said proudly. Then she became serious, the tone in her voice made Spencer fell like she was right there. "But I miss home."

Spencer let a smile form on her lips. The older girl had distracted her and pushed away all the images. Spencer stood up and crawled into the bed under the covers. The phone was still to her ear. She could feel the warmth from the little girl a foot away from her.

"You there?" Ashley asked concerned. She hoped that the girl wouldn't hang up on her.

"I'm here, just lying down."

"Oh, okay."

"So, what's it you miss?"

"Well…let's see. I miss English, food, TV, English, yo…ENGLISH! God, I miss that so much!" Ashley said a little louder at the end.

Spencer started chuckling, "Well, yeah, English is something nice to have. You don't know Chinese?"

Ashley chuckled, "Hell to the nizzo."

"Yeah, it must be hell. Then again you probably have some really hot interpreter there with you."

Ashley liked the small hint of jealousy in the girl's voice. She straightened the pink silk robe of her's and let it open a little. It scared her, but hearing the younger girl's voice made her flood with warmth. "Umm…so are you okay? Have you had another…'incident'?"

"No…not really?"

Ashley was concerned, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, just…nothing."

Spencer wished that she could open up to the girl, but trust was a major issue for her. She didn't know if she could trust the playgirl. She wished she could though. Her gut was telling her that this wasn't the time though.

Ashley changed the topic, "How's Amalia?"

"She's good. I'm speaking French and Sign in front of her so she will grasp onto it."

"Wow, aren't you super nanny?"

"Naw, it's just something I said I would always teach my kids. Since I don't have any right now, I will teach it to the nearest thing I have to them."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Being the mother she needs."

Spencer sighed, "Ashley I'm not her mother, you are."

"I know, I know. I just…." She paused and it scared the blond. "I can't, Spencer, I can't. Not right now."

"Ashley."

"No, I gotta go. I have an interview in a couple hours. Give her a kiss for me…tell her i….goodnight Spencer."

There was a click from her end and the line went dead.

Spencer glanced at the phone before reaching over the edge and letting it drop. She snuggled back into the covers. She turned around, facing the small sleeping child. She let her hand travel to the child's head, and began combing her hair back.

Why couldn't Ashley be a mother?

Why couldn't she figure out her feelings for the older girl?

Why did everything have to be so fucking complicated?

b**May**/b

b**June**/b

b**July**/b

It was three months before the brunette had come home from her Asian and European tour. Spencer hated to say, but those three months was hell for her. She barely slept, she was always tired, and the flashbacks came more frequently.

The only good was the two year old.

Spencer felt so alone within herself.

But she stayed strong.

Yes, I know a short chapter, but I want to post a mother's day update soon. I was gonna write it and post it with this, but I want some reviews. So, I will post it at twelve if I get twelve reviews (is that too much? Ten? Nine? Eight?). It's gonna be a very good chapter. Anyway, tell me what you think.

MORE GRAPHICS COMING WITH THE NEXT CHAPTER !!!

Thank you to all my readers and reviewers! Without them I won't post.


	8. Chapter 8: The Tide

The song I am using is The Tide by The Spill Canvas, with some changes in it to fit the story. I am also writing a different way for Ashley. It needs to be different because she is telling her side, and in her own way. Tell me what you think.

bPart One: Chapter Eight /b

bu The Tide /u/b

b

**And there she is, oh there she is**

**A child playing on the beach.**

**She was eager to learn,**

**To be taught, and to teach** /b

Her feet were propped up on the mixing table as she listened to her own voice carry through the room, echoing off the wall. Her secrets were coming out in the air for anyone to hear them. She had been listening to her latest album, the lights dim, and sitting there for hours.

The young girl had just arrived home a few hours earlier, and she headed straight to her studio. So many emotions was overcoming the girl, making her frigid with guilt. Her thoughts where aimed at the last three months; all the nameless fucks, drugs in Amsterdam, and neglecting overcoming her. Also, the meaning of this song was dropping onto her shoulders. She didn't want to see anyone. She didn't want anyone to see how fucked over she was right now.

She was tired

She laid her head back against the black leather chair and tried to relax. She had tried to push any thoughts and concerns of the blonde from her head, but it wasn't working. Like when she tried the drugs or the fucks, she could never get the blonde out of her head. She could never get the past out of her head.

She was tired.

b

**There she is;**

**She's biting her lip**

**As she watches the waves turn white at the tip.**

**she's siting there;**

**Radiating with joy,**

**And luckily she still can't stand the sight of a boy.**

**And lastly she stands;**

**Her hair dances in the wind,**

**And she's wondering what love is,**

**And why it has to end**b

i

_She is only three, on the beach with her mother._

_It was winter, and it surprises her how easily she could remember this moment in her life. _

_She was so small, so fragile. _

_She remembers how the sand felt cool between her bare feet and the wind blew at her dark chestnut colored hair. It had been her face. _

_Her mother had put her in some kind on designer sun dress; it was almost a pale green color. She had on a pink sweater over it. She remembers she had put the hood up later. _

_Her mother had been extremely nicer to her that day. She had been the perfect wanted daughter. She knew that day was mother's day and she wanted to please her mother._

_What little girl didn't want to please their mother?_

_She hadn't seen the woman for a long time. Her little three year old mind couldn't grasp the concept of a long time and short time. It was all mashed up and any period away from her mother was a long time. _

_She had been good that day. Her nanny had told her that she needed to be good that day._

_Her mother had sat her down in the sand and stood tall above her. The dark whiskey colored eyes where out looking at the water. So she looked out onto the water also. _

_Her mother told her things. She told her things that the girl should never forget. _

_She hadn't forgot._

_She didn't want to believe those words whispered to her and carried to her ears by the wind, but after years of disappointments she believed them. _

_She remembered her mother got distracted by a man. He was standing up by the road. His blond shaggy hair and lanky body was adorned in very elegant attire. Her mother had a smile on her face as the woman waved to the blue eyed man._

_She could see his eyes so clearly in the gloomy day. _

_She had no need to be interested in the man, so she turned back to the ocean. She wanted to be like her mother, so she watched the waves as her mother did. _

_The three year old continued to watch and got distracted. _

_She was filled with joy and self-created love that she thought she had received from her mother. _

_She turned and looked for the tall woman. _

_She was told she looked like her._

_The woman was gone._

_Her tiny little legs ran by the road looking for the woman._

_The woman was gone. _

_The little girl fell on her knees in the sand. The feeling of warmth in her heart had suddenly disappeared. _

_Where had it gone?_

_Why had it gone?_

/i

She would not cry. Ashley wasn't the type to cry, she saw it as a weakness. It was always a weakness her mother had always looked for. It was easier to control the girl if she could use one of the many weaknesses her daughter had.

Instead, Ashley continued to listen to the music that she had wrote. She remembered that day so clearly. She was only three fucking years old and her mother left her there by herself. She remembered how scared she had been on that deserted beach. No one was out that day and it had started to rain. It had gotten dark quick and she could still remember the feeling of tears streaming down her rosy cheeks.

She had been found by a teenage boy and his friends. They where going for a surf. The boy had taken her to the police and they took her home. Her mother swore that the little 'brat' ran from her and she looked but couldn't find her. She told them she was about to call them.

She remembered being too shook up to protest the lies her mother had fed the police. It didn't matter because after her nanny came and took her upstairs, her mother left with that man. The man with the blue eyes.

b **And she can't understand**

**How everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.**

**Her mother whispers quietly;**

**Heaven's not a place that you go when you die.**

**It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive**

**So live for the moment.**

**And take this advice, live by every word,**

**Love is just a hoax so forget anything that you have heard**

**And live for the moment now**./b

Hearing her own voice sing through the speakers was comforting to her. She had only had herself as she grew up, and she had become to love herself in a weird narcissistic way. Her voice comforted her, like it has many other people. The huskiness, realness, and deepness of her music always made her connected.

She listened carefully, her own thoughts escalading in her mind creating a tornado. Her mother had neglected her. She had abandoned her. The woman was always away doing business or with some man candy. She had never once told her daughter that she loved her. She had never once called her daughter beautiful. She had never once hugged the girl. She had neglected the girl. Ashley only ever got treated nicely was when the older woman wanted something from her.

And even then that harmed the girl…

It scared the older girl to think about her past and her relationship with her mother. She is seeing now that she is doing the same thing to her daughter, maybe not to the extent, but still hurting the child.

i _I broke my promise_. /i Ashley had promised herself when the little girl was born that she would not be like her mother. She promised that she would always be there for her daughter. So far her promises was broken and cut into tiny pieces.

b **And there she is, oh there she is**

**A child growing on the beach.**

**She was eager to learn,**

**To be taught, and to teach**/b

A knock echoed through the room over the music. Ashley reached over and turned the volume down. She sat back in her chair. She really didn't want to deal with anyone right now, but she knew that she would have to. She yelled, "Come in."

An angry and tired blonde storms into the room. Spencer was wearing a light blue tank top and a pair of boy shorts. Her hair was wild and it looked like she had been lying down. i _Ashley, it is fucking two in the morning!_ /i Ashley thought to herself. She let her eyes wonder for a second, taking in the girl's body. She hadn't seen the woman for nearly three months, and looking at her now suddenly made her mouth water.

The angry look on the blondes face wasn't what she wanted to see.

Spencer stepped into the studio, amazed by the equipment in the room, but she didn't show it. Instead she slammed the door behind her and walked right up to where Ashley was sitting. The blonde was enraged. Ashley could tell by the rings around her eyes that she was tired, and that could have enhanced the emotion tremendously.

Spencer pushed Ashley's feet off the mix tables and turned her chair around to face her. Her eye brows furrowed and her eyes stormy with anger.

"I can't stand back and watch this anymore!" Spencer said to the girl's face. She was close enough that her warm breath tickled the other girl's nose. "I would like to think we're friends. Actually, I don't fucking care at this point! You are fucking neglecting that little girl and I won't watch her turn into your pathetic ass!"

Ashley's eyes were wide. She had never expected this from the blonde and the words that had came out was even more surprising.

The anger in the blonde filled the room, but only made the brunette feel even more guilty. Coming from anyone else Ashley would have gotten right back into their face and told them to shut the fuck up. Spencer was different. To Ashley, Spencer was truth.

Her voice sounded strong with emotion and anger. Anger that was for herself. "Do you think I like doing this? It hurt so fucking much"

Spencer spat out, "How the fuck do you think she is. She may be only two but she still knows how to feel. Shit Ashley she wakes up every fucking night screaming for you!"

This shocked the older girl.

She was becoming her mother.

b **There she is;**

**Still sitting on the dock,**

**Ponders her life, and he skips her rocks.**

**And she wonders when her father will return,**

**But he's not coming back.**

**And she can't understand**

**How everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.**

**Her mother whispers quietly;**

**Heaven's not a place that you go when you die,**

**It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive,**

**So live for the moment.**

**And take this advice, live by every word,**

**Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard.**

**(Forget everything)** /b

Ashley looked up at Spencer, her face darkened by the shadows and her eyes glossy. The girl looked smaller than Ashley remembered, her lips were thinner and her hair was skinnier. The girl still looked beautiful, but she looked tired.

Ashley was also tired.

"Fuck, Spencer, I don't want to be like this!" Ashley cried. "I want to love her; I want to be the mother I always wanted. But Spencer you don't understand!"

"Then make me understand!" Spencer's eyes pleading with her own.

b **And there she is, oh there she is**

**A child missing from the beach.**

**She was eager to learn,**

**To be taught, and to teach**/b

Ashley stood up, "How the fuck can I be a mother to her when I will just turn out like my fucking mother?"

Spencer's eyes furrowed and she crossed her arms over her chest. "Don't feed me that bull shit. You can be a good mother. You just fucking neglect your daughter."

Ashley's eyes were the ones now pleading, "I'm fucked up Spencer, and I don't want to fuck her up like my mum did me!"

"Ashley, you're not her."

"I don't care."

"Is it too much to just love your daughter? Show her that you care?"

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE FUCKING IS!" Ashley screamed out. Then she froze, looking shockingly at the younger girl. Spencer let her hands dropped and her face calm. Ashley sat back down and looked at the girl. Her eyes sad. She wanted to cry, but she didn't. She couldn't cry anymore. She whispered, "I don't know how to love."

"Ashley…"

"No, I don't know! I was always ignored by my mother. I was always treated like I wasn't wanted. I wasn't wanted, and I knew that I wasn't wanted. My father was off on tour and I lived with my mom." Ashley put her head in her hands and continued. "She hated me and I knew it. She treated me like shit. I was just a disappointment to her. She let her boy friends abuse me, use me, and she hated me."

b **But the sad thing**

**Is that she was never knew what it felt like to be loved**

**Due to neglect from their mother**

**Who was bed ridden by her ex-lover,**

**And she didn't even notice, or pay much attention**

**As the tide came in and swept her little one into the ocean.**

**Now all her advice, it seems useless./**b

Ashley kept her head in her hands. Her breathing was slow and conscious. She was a very honest and blunt person. That still didn't mean that she felt any less guilty about what was going on. She felt her heart being tugged and the sadness overwhelming her. She didn't want to go that deep into herself like that, but it was necessary. She felt the need to tell the blonde everything about her, but held back.

"Ashley, I didn't know…" Spencer stated in a soft voice.

Ashley surprised herself and spoke, "That doesn't matter. I want to love her. I really do, but I don't want to fuck up."

Spencer bent down on her knees in front of her. She placed her hands on Ashley's knees. "I won't let you fuck up."

Ashley lifted her head, her eyes full with guilt and sorrow. "You won't?"

"I will never let any harm come to that little girl, but please promise me you will try." Spencer asked hopefully.

Ashley nodded. "I promise."

Spencer stood up and whispered, "Good."

She looked up at the blonde, "You're tired."

The blonde nodded, "So are you."

Ashley nodded, "Wanna head off to bed?"

Spencer smiled a little, "Please, I am exhausted."

Ashley didn't say anything except look at the girl. Spencer loved her daughter like her own. That just hit her, and it made her feel good. But what made her feel even better was the thought of having some of Spencer's love herself. She knew the girl had endless love and she wanted some, she needed some.

That was what her thoughts have been trying to tell her.

They walked out the door as the song came to a conclusion. The words softly feeling the background of their minds.

b

**No, heaven's not a place that you go when you die.**

**It's that moment in life when you touch your edge and feel alive.**

**So live for the moment.**

**And take this advice, live by every word,**

**Love's completely real,**

**So forget anything that you have heard,**

**And live for the moment now.** /b

Happy mummy's day! This is a chapter to all the mummy's! Yay! Oh…well….maybe ixnay on Christine….oh and maybe Paula….maybe. Haha.


	9. Chapter 9: A Story Of Beauty

b **WARNING: Flashbacks in this chapter and deals with very abusive childhood. Please, if this offends you don't read.**

**Song used: A Story of Beauty by Destiny's Child**/b

b **Chapter Nine A** /b

b **A Story of Beauty** /b

Ashley slides down into the scalding hot water slowly, letting the liquid relax her body. She laid her head against the side of the bath tub and calmed her body. The young mother was tired from a full day out with her daughter and the beautiful mysterious girl. The rock star had let the girls decide where they would spend the day and immediately her daughter responded, 'Park'. It was such a simple request that Ashley was baffled. She expected the little girl say some sort of amusement park or shopping or some place outrageous. Instead, the little girl was timid and simple.

Spencer had packed a picnic for them to bring along at the park. When they arrived, the little girl quickly pulled the young mother along with her to the balance beam and show her how well she could walk across it. The whole day was simple, relaxed, and very mundane. It surprised her that Spencer even talked her into climbing a tree with her. Ashley was astonished at how quickly her daughter warmed up to her. She had experienced the happiness wash over her body in a waterfall of ecstasy.

She sunk deeper into the water. The mental image of the smiling little girl's carefree smile was implanted inside her head. She had never seen her daughter smile like that, let alone being the cause of it. She remembered the way the sun had reflected off her bright blue eyes. She remembered the wrinkle in her nose as her smiles and giggles got more evident.

The water was now rising over her face. The warm silkiness bathed her body and she was completely relaxed. The smile on her face was small and peaceful. She was completely in bliss. She closed her eyes.

b  
**Please dry your eyes young girl, don't cry you're beautiful  
It's not your fault young girl, don't cry you're beautiful  
You're not the one to blame  
Soon it will be okay, One day you'll realize your beauty** /b

i

"_Once upon a time, a long time ago, there lived a princess who was locked away forever in her castle. She could never escape from this castle no matter how hard she tried. Her evil mother and her mother's followers had her locked away."_ /i

b **It was a Saturday this cold afternoon  
Inside this house there lived a frightened young girl  
She didn't know what she should do, Cuz she missed her mother so  
She was left home all alone with her step-father** /b

i

_The little girl spoke quietly to herself as she sat on her bed Indian style. She didn't know what time it was. She knew it must be early afternoon/ late morning because the sun shown through her light pink drapes. She knew that she should be quiet and stay in bed. _

_She couldn't get in trouble that way._

_The dark haired child held her stuffed, ragged, bear close to her body. The warmth from it rubbed against her skin. She wished life could be this simple; she could lie in bed with her bear, the feeling of comfort consoling her. But the young seven year old knew life wasn't that simple. She knew that the families she had seen on television weren't real, but just lies they made up to feed you. _

_She looked over at her side table at the bright pink digital clock on her side table. Her story chocolate eyes glued to it as she clutched her bear in her arms. _

_b4:01/b_

_The pictures around her clock were blurry to her vision. She only focused on the clock as the numbers changed. _

_It was time._ /i

b

**He touched her places that he shouldn't have touched  
He did some things to her that he shouldn't have done  
Then she ran into her room, paged her mother 9-1-1,  
And the tragedy began for this young girl** /b

i _"As much as she wanted to run, the princess was held captive by the queen. She lost herself in the castle, never to be found again. She screamed and screamed for her mother, the mother she once knew, but there was no reply. There never was a reply."_ /i

b

**She told her mother, her famly, and friends  
No one believed her cuz before this happened,  
She was filled with hate and anger, Towards her step-father,  
Cuz he took her mother from her when they married**/b

i _She told her mother about those times that he came into her room. She cried pleadingly to her to make her blue eyed boyfriend to stop. The little girl just wanted him to stop touching her. Her mother didn't believe her, unable to concept the thought of her perfect boyfriend ever doing this to her child. The little girl was filled with rage and hate. She was consumed by hurt and anger. _

_She tried to tell her friends, but she didn't have any. She wanted to tell the teachers, but she was afraid of the hate her mother would feel for her. Instead, the small child was quiet and reclusive. She sank so deeply inside herself that it would be hard to ever find herself again_. /i

b **She looked for her father in the men that she saw in,  
Thought that all she had to offer was her body,  
No one could figure out why this young girl would live her life,  
In such pain and unhappiness cuz she was so beautiful** /b

i _"The man went away, leaving the princess and the queen to themselves. The queen eventually began her traveling all around the kingdoms again. The princess was locked away inside the castle all by herself. Finally, she found a way out."_ /i

b **She rebelled and one day the young fell in love with another man like her step-dad  
He abused her emotionally and made her feel like she was worthless  
I hope one day she realizes, And sees the beauty in her eyes,  
All she needs is prayer and strength cuz she's beautiful **/b

i _"The princess escaped from the evil queen. She escaped into the world of lights and music, a world of attention and love. She filled herself, thinking that the love of strangers could feel that hole in her heart. Instead, it made her feel even emptier."_ /i

b **Don't hold your head down low  
You've got so much, so much, so much, so much, so much to be proud of  
You can still live your life  
I promise you, you'll survive  
Girl I love you, you're beautiful** /b

Ashley wrapped the towel around her body; the memories coming into her head made her feel dirty and empty. She scrubbed her body red, but it did not do anything for her. She sat on the edge of her bed; her head hung low and the thoughts eating away at her head.

She wondered when Spencer would come back into the room. She wanted the comforting presence of the younger girl, she needed the younger girl.

She loved the way her smile had calmed her body or the way her voice felt like a river of happiness flowing through her body. She loved the way the blonde looked at her. She came to the conclusion that she wanted the girl. She wanted the love that the girl possessed and she wanted it now. She knew that the way the girl treated her daughter was enough to make her like her, but the way that she treated her added even more reasons for her to want the love from her.

Ashley could do it, you know, love her.

If she just taught her how.

b **Chapter Nine B** /b

b **Beating Heart**/b

Spencer kissed the little girl's head, tucking her into her new 'big girl' bed. Ashley had taken the child to buy a new bedroom suit. Spencer had suggested that Amalia's room was too 'adult' for the little girl. Taking the suggestion to heart, Ashley immediately took the little girl out. Amalia suggested a princess room, but the rock star quickly denied. This baffled the blonde girl, but she watched Ashley quickly suggest a 'French Country' theme.

Amalia's bright blue eyes looked up at Spencer's, "Mamá be here morrow?"

Spencer nodded her head, "Yes, but Monday she's going to start her new tour."

Amalia looked over at her small white lamp, "don't want her to weave."

"I know, but she has to."

"How long?"

"Two months."

"That's forever!" the child whined.

Spencer sat down on her bed, "It's not that long, no how about you go to bed and we'll get your mama to stay with us all day tomorrow."

"Pwomise?"

Spencer stood up and gave the child one more kiss to the forehead, "I'll try"

She smiled at the little girl as she made her way out of the bed room. She kept the door open as she walked down the hall to the familiar room of the rock star. It amazed her at how quickly the rock star's world had turned around. She was giving the little girl so much attention and affection. Spencer smiled at the thought of the girl's love for her daughter. She didn't know if Ashley noticed it, but Ashley had so much love for that girl that it was heartbreakingly beautiful.

The lights were dimmed when she walked into the room. Ashley was sitting on the edge of her bed, her head hung low. This hurt Spencer in some unknown way. She had grown close to the brunette, and she hated seeing the sad, defeated look on her face.

Spencer took a seat next to her, "Penny for your thoughts?"

Ashley looked up at Spencer, trying to smile. "Hey."

"What's on your mind?" Spencer asked noticing that the girl only had a towel wrapped around her body. Spencer unconsciously checked out the rock star.

"Nothing, just thinking. Did you get Amalia to bed okay?"

Spencer nodded, "Of course, she loves her new bed."

Ashley let a small smile creep onto her lips, "That's good."

"Yeah, I was wondering since tomorrow is your last day home…"

Ashley looked over at the shy blonde, the shyness made the girl seem even more innocent. "Yeah?"

"Well, maybe all three of us…well stay in and just relax. Well, I mean you and Amalia. She's going to miss you so much when you leave." Spencer was playing with her fingers nervously, avoiding the scarred one.

Ashley's eyes filled with hope. She said in a cocky tone, "Yeah. I mean, aren't you going to miss me?"

Spencer chuckled at the older girl's sudden confidence. She looked at her, pushing some wet chestnut colored hairs from her face. She nodded her head, "yeah, I am."

Ashley couldn't control herself anymore. She was never one for self control anyway. She looked into the crystal blue eyes, the dimness of the room giving off a since of mystery to the girl.

Ashley licked her lips.

Spencer watched.

Ashley lent forward and pressed her soft lips against the blond. Spencer didn't know how to react. Both girls's had the sudden feeling of need for the other. The need to be loved by the other. The need to know all the other girl's secrets. The need to hold the other girl. The need to protect the other girl.

Ashley demanded entrance into the blonde's mouth. Her tongue lightly dancing over Spencer's. She brought a hand up to Spencer's neck and pulled her closer.

Spencer was deeply into the kiss, but as the brunette's hand slide down her shirt over her scars, the blonde freaked. She pulled away from Ashley, and stood up. Her heart was beating fast and she could barely catch her breath. Their eyes never lost contact, and that was just as intense as the kiss.

Spencer wasn't stable enough to handle this situation, she turned to leave.

"Please."

A whisper came form behind her. The pleading in the vice made her heart fall.

"Stay with me."

Spencer could only turn around and face all her fears…

She went back to the brunette.

All her walls broken down.


	10. Chapter 10: Sealed With A Kiss

Thank you all so much for your gorgeous feedback! I loved ALL of it and it was the reason why I posted today. So, thank you all so so so much!

A little fluff for you guys…I would savor it while it's here….

b **Chapter Ten** /b

b **Sealed With a Kiss** /b

She looked down at the sleeping girl. The sun was kissing her skin good morning. She wished she was the sun right now, able to kiss every inch of her body in one moment. She reached up and moved some of the stay blonde hairs away from her face. She couldn't stop looking at the peaceful face of the angelic girl. There was innocence about the girl that Ashley wanted to protect. There was also a mystery about the girl's secretive past that made Ashley want to unravel her.

Ashley hummed to herself, being around the blonde made so many new lyrics come into her head. She couldn't stop singing, she couldn't stop thinking. She was happy.

She had to leave her in twenty four hours.

Ashley suddenly hated her job; she suddenly hated leaving her child and Spencer behind. The last time she went, it was hard. She had already grown used to having the blonde in her bed, giving certain warmth to her. How would she be able to leave after last night? After the kiss like that? Maybe it wasn't anything to the blonde, maybe she just came back to her out of pity. No, that wouldn't be it. Ashley knew she came back for the same reason that she had called her to come back. Both of them need each other, simple as that.

Spencer stirred under Ashley's soft touch. She curved more into Ashley's chest, her face nesting in Ashley's shoulder. She let out a soft groan as she moved more into the soft skin, trying to hide from the morning sun.

Ashley wrapped her arms around her; she found it unfamiliar to be cuddling in the morning. She had never really done this, only with a few people. This was a rare time and the only time she enjoyed doing it.

"Morning," Ashley whispered into Spencer's ear.

She could feel a smile pressing into her bare skin on her neck. One pale arm wrapped around her body while the other was still pressed against her chest.

This contact, this emotion, was new and raw to both girls.

Ashley continued to hum, letting her lips move across Spencer's ear. "There's some kind of light at the end. Stoned, forgetful, and then, I'm drinking what used to be sin, and touching the edge of her skin."

Spencer smiled even brighter; she loved hearing the brunette's voice. It sent chills up her spine, and also calmed her whole body into bliss. She pulled away from Ashley a little bit to look her in her eyes. The whiskey colored orbs happily greeted her azure ones.

Last night was an understanding between both girls. When Spencer walked back to Ashley, they made an unspoken pack to not ever walk away from each other. They knew that both of them were scared. They both had every right to be, but they knew that running from whatever was between the both of them was no use. So, Spencer came back to Ashley and they remained silent, drinking up each other's presence. Then they fell asleep.

"That's pretty," Spencer said groggy, a smile still presence on her lips.

"You're pretty," Ashley said.

"Oh, very smooth Ms. Rock Star, is this how you great all the girls in the morning." Spencer said lightening the moment.

Ashley chuckled, "No, only the ones I like."

"Oh, that's better."

"I don't want to get up," Ashley said holding onto Spencer tighter, fear that if she let go she would never come back.

"Me either."

"Let's stay in bed all day," Ashley suggested.

"You said we could do something with Amalia," she reminded the rock star.

"We'll get her to come in here with us and we will watch movies all day." Ashley said looking down at her. "I can even get Shriek the Third."

Spencer laughed, "That's only at the movies."

"I got connections."

"Okay, you win. We shall stay in here all day and watch movies. Amalia will love that."

"She will?" Ashley asked the girl curiously. She felt a pang at her heart.

"Yes, she will. She will probably drag all her Shriek toys out from the playroom and bring them with her."

"Who's her favorite?"

"She loves Puss in Boots. Then again, she likes Fiona also." Spencer said telling the older girl about her daughter. She was pleased that the older girl was taking interest in the child.

"I'm going to miss her so much." Ashley admitted.

"She's going to miss you to." Spencer told her. "Her face fell when I told her you were going on tour. You have no idea how much impact you have on her life."

"I wish I didn't have to go," Ashley said. She began rubbing circles on Spencer's back.

"I don't want you to go either." Spencer buried her head back into Ashley's shoulder. Her walls was down and it scared her how vulnerable she was. "I mean, how am I going to sleep without you?"

Ashley hated the sadness in the girl's voice. She couldn't help but ask, "Spencer, what happened to you?"

Spencer shook her head and mumbled into Ashley's shoulder. Ashley swore she heard, "Not ready."

Ashley nodded her head, "Okay, it's okay, you don't have to say anything."

"Thank you."

Ashley smiled a little, "Soooo, anyway, let's talk about something good." She lifted Spencer's head up to meet her eyes, "What would you say we are now?"

Spencer smiled at Ashley's attempt to change the subject quickly. In a playful tone, "Well, Ms. Davies, what do you think we are?"

"I know what I want us to be."

"Well?"

"A couple? Girlfriends?" Ashley asked shyly.

Spencer smiled at the rock star's shyness. She had seen so many different versions of Ashley Davies in the last couple months that it surprised her. She would have to admit that she loved all of them the same….loved?

"Why, I think that is a brilliant idea."

Ashley got serious, "I'm not easy to be with."

Spencer nodded her head, "I know."

"So your okay with it?"

"Ashley, I can't explain it but I feel something deep for you. Whatever it is, I am always going to be here for you…with you."

Ashley sat up, letting go of Spencer. She looked down at the girl, her whiskey eyes glossy. "Promise me." It was a beautiful demand.

Spencer sat up on her elbows, "I promise you."

The sound of their lips crashing into each other echoed through the bright room.

A promise sealed with a kiss.

Amalia sat in her mother's lap, resting against her chest. She held a stuffed green Shriek in her arms as she watched the last movie of the night. To Ashley and Spencer's surprise, she stayed up til twelve o'clock. She had waited to put in Shriek the Third in last. The tiny child was ecstatic at watching the movie in her mother's lap. Ashley sat up against the headboard with Spencer right next to her.

Spencer was chewing on a piece of Red Vine when Amalia bounded up out of her mother's lap. Her tiny hand moved away the blonde hairs that got in her face in the process. She looked at both women.

With confidence that could only come from being with Ashley Davies she spoke, "Mamá, don't want you to weave."

The energy and demand in the child's voice surprised both women.

Spencer took the tiny hand, "Amalia, you know that she has to."

The little girl folded her arms and pouted, "But I wanna sway with her!"

Ashley scooped the little girl back into her arms and kissed her forehead. "I wanna stay with you too. You know for how long?"

The little girl shrugged and Ashley replied, "Forever and ever and ever and ever."

Spencer chuckled at Ashley, proud of the interaction between the two.

Amalia was giggling when Ashley began to give her featherlike kisses, tickling the little girl. When their playing was over Ashley quickly settled the little girl back down to watch the rest of the movie.

The little girl got sleepy quickly after the movie and Ashley was the one to go put her to bed. She told Spencer that she had a surprise for both girls, but she wanted to tell Amalia first. When Ashley got back, she found Spencer in front of her bed on her knees. It looked as the young girl was praying, but Ashley had never seen her do this before. She stood in the doorway, watching this private moment as Spencer continued to talk to herself.

After a few minutes Ashley decided that this was a moment for Spencer to be by herself. She left and then ten minutes later she came back. The blonde was now sitting up against the headboard. The Los Angeles lights flickered across her face.

"Hey," Spencer whispered to Ashley. She smiled warmly at her.

Ashley wanted it to always be this way. She walked over to the bed and took a seat. She smiled at the blonde before lowering her head into her lap.

"So what's the surprise?" Spencer asked smoothing back her hair.

Ashley took a deep breath, hoping this would go over with Spencer. "I want you to go on tour with me."

Spencer's breath caught. She knew that this was a good and a bad idea, but she also knew that this was a huge step for Ashley.

"I-I-I…wow….really?"

Ashley nodded in her lap, "I don't want to leave you right now. This is all too new to me and I don't want to have to put this on hold for my job. So, please?"

Spencer knew that she would begin to hate that small little word coming out of the brunette's mouth. She would never be able to say no and that would be the death of her.

Without a word between the two, Spencer bent down and lightly kissed Ashley's lips.

Sealing it with a kiss.

You know what feedback does to me….


	11. Chapter 11: Lyrics Written for Broken

[b**I wasn't too pleased with this chapter, the only reason being that I need a touch up on this writing style. I have been writing mostly first person the last couple months and am trying to get back into play. This chapter answers a lot of your guys questions, but yet leaves you with even more. This was a meaningful chapter that had to happen, but I hate to say…things might not get much better.** **You guys decide**.[/b

[b **Chapter Eleven**

**Lyrics Written for Broken Girls** [/b

The crowd was quiet as Ashley sang the last verse of her last song of the night. Her first concert of the tour was always such an adrenaline run that caused her blood to keep pumping through her veins. She loved the feeling and she loved the constant energy that all her fans gave her.

She had been on stage for at least an hour and a half. Introducing some new, hope inspired songs to her fans along with a couple of her old songs. She was excited at all the positive responses she got from her fans.

During on song, a new one that she had just written called "Lyrics Written for Broken Girls". During the song, she took one glance over at Spencer. The song devoted to her, but the blonde was busy with her phone on her ear and her face twisted with anguish. The tiny blonde playing with her hair smoothly, trying to soothe her older look a like.

Now, Spencer stood at the side of the stage, the small two year old in her arms as she watched the sweat drip from Ashley's brow. She licked her lips, wondering what it would taste like if she would let her tongue dip out and lick it up. It had only been a couple days since they had officially figured out their relationship, but with in those couple days she had been so content.

Spencer was beyond excited in this moment. She was experiencing her first concert, but also it was her [b**girlfriend's**[/b concert. She had come into the stadium feeling overwhelmed and a little scared; the feelings didn't go unnoticed by the little two year old. Amalia's since for empathy caused the little girl to stay in Spencer's arms the whole night. There was always a peace in Spencer when Amalia would rest her head on her shoulder. Now, the little girl was staring at her mother with large pink headphones over her ears to lessen the sound of the speakers.

"Thank you everyone! Now, I must go. I have two very beautiful girls waiting for me backstage!" Ashley said into the mic before putting it back on the stand and waving to the crowded stadium. The fans went wild as they watched the rock star exit the stage.

Spencer stood there waiting for the young rock star, a smile finally gracing her lips. The night had lasted longer than she thought, but it was very exciting to her.

Yet, still the constant feeling in the pit of her stomach caused a wave of uneasiness. Since stepping off the plane, she had that thought in the back of her head of uneasiness and it had gone unnoticed most of the concert, but it began to plague her again.

Stepping off the plane into New York City was Spencer's own adrenaline rush. The young girl had always wanted to travel, but her fear drove her to not choose to. She had never really been out of Ohio and Los Angeles. This was a new exciting experience for the girl. It also helped her anxiety being on Ashley's private jet.

She got taken from her thoughts by a soft kiss on the cheek by a sweaty and exhausted Ashley. Placing a smile on her face, she looked Ashley in the eyes. "That was awesome!" She felt Amalia nod her head in agreement.

A large smile appeared on Ashley's face, "Thank you. I am so happy I can experience this with you. Now, are you ready?"

Spencer tilted her head to the side, a smile still gracing her lips. "Ready for what?"

Ashley furrowed her eyebrows, "The reporters? Didn't I warn you?"

Spencer's smile fell.

"Babe, it's no problem…its just some reporters taking pictures when we leave." Ashley tried to consol Spencer. She mentally kicked herself for not warning the girl earlier. It had been easy to go unseen due to the massive extent of privacy that Ashley took, but this she could not push away.

With the back of her hand, she lightly smoothed it over Spencer's soft cheek. Smiling, "It's nothing to be afraid of."

Spencer nodded her head, not understanding where her fear was coming from.

What bad could come from it? The only thing that would come from it is the world knowing that Ashley Davies was taken. Was that so bad?

Ashley took Amalia into her arms, the little girl putting her arms around her neck and tiredly laying her head on her shoulder. She was still glancing over at Spencer, feeling her uneasiness. The strong connection between both girl unnoticed by everyone. Yet, it was still there.

Ashley was still amazed, also, at how much closer she was with her daughter. The feeling of being loved and completely depended on was overwhelming to her.

The brunette put her other arm around Spencer's waste and kissed her on the cheek. "Thank you."

Spencer looked at her, "For what?"

"For accepting me…for accepting all this." Ashley said.

Spencer looked down for a moment.

In an instant, she smiled and met Ashley's eyes, of course she accepts it…

Ashley sat on the edge of the bed, one leg hanging off the bed while the other was pulled up to her chest as she flipped through the channels on the flat screen television in front of her.

Blood was still pulsing through her veins; she was always hyped after a concert. Usually, she would go celebrate with the band after a concert. She would hit up some night club, dance her energy off, and most likely pick up some girl. She hadn't done the last part…not since Spencer had begin sleeping in her bed…not since she had started to see the girl more than just a nanny for her daughter.

She was still bewildered what drawn her to the young girl. She was not used to dating anyone younger than herself, yet with Spencer she didn't care about the couple years age difference. The insightful, wise, beautiful blonde girl gave off an energy that makes Ashley a magnet to.

Was it the way that the young girl handled her daughter as if she was her own? That could make anyone look deeper into a person. Yet, the way Spencer and Amalia connected bemused her. It was as if that Spencer stole that invisible maternal bond that she was suppose to share with her daughter and began to use it. It didn't hurt Ashley. Instead it amazed her how well Amalia was accepting both their love equally.

There was something else about the girl, something more that was mysterious and made Ashley want to peel away all the layers she had built around herself. She could see that there was something dark and hurtful inside the girl that trapped her. Ashley wanted to save her, to make every part of her happy.

She glanced back at the young girl curled up under the covers; the only thing visible to her was a couple strands of blonde hair. She could tell that the girl had curled herself into a pillow and had her face buried deep into it. Ashley's heart feel. She looked so vulnerable. Usually she held onto Ashley like that, tangled herself into the brunette and felt safe. She looked so childish.

"Okay, we have the scope all you Ashley Davies fans…"

Ashley turned her attention back to the television. She was hoping the she could watch CNN without any news on her. She reached to turn the channel when she saw a startling image.

"…so we not only found out that Ashley has a girlfriend, but the girlfriend is not only then the surviving kidnapped victim, Spencer Ruth Carlin."

Ashley turned the television up a little more. Her eyes were popping out of her head in surprise.

Her heart began to race.

Spencer opened her eyes in the instant her name was called.

"The traumatic victim of an almost two year long kidnapping…"

She was pulled back mercilessly into her memories that were buried deep inside her mind.

She was taken back to pure hell.

Ashley was unnoticed to the scene behind her, her eyes focused on the screen. Images of a happy young fifteen year old with her family appeared on screen to conform that it was the same girl. The difference was the picture held a happy and oblivious girl. It was a stranger compared to the girl she knew.

"… Spencer Carlin was finally found only several months ago in an abandoned mental institution."

[i_She lay lifelessly against the wall of the perfectly white room. You never truly understand the range of effects that can cause a person to completely break away from reality until you see a lifeless shell lying hopelessly._

_Her blonde hair was stringy, her lips pale and dry. Her legs were sprawled out under the white hospital gown and her arms flawed out next to her. An old fashion IV was dripping in perfect sync into a small tube that was connected by a needle in her left wrist. Another tube was unnoticeably twisting its way from a container next to the IV fluid and flowing delicately into her nose down to her stomach._

_Tiny little scars was evident on her face, but those where the ones that would easily heal. No, the ones that was visible to the human eye lay across her legs, arms, back. These dark bruising scars, closed and re-opened numerous of times left many questions in your head. _

_You can sit there; imagine the serene scene that was 80 years past the time. She laid there like she belonged in the building…but she was far too late. _

_The only source of life was the rising and falling of her chest. Except she was only a shell, her life, her soul lost somewhere in the empty white room._ [/i

"…her capturer was never caught. There are no suspects due to the unattainable memory that Miss Carlin fails to remember."

Spencer's heart stopped.

She was lied too.

[i _The frail girl lay in the warm, comforting hospital bed, cotton covers pulled up over her body._

_The lights where on her as she watched with little life. Her mother was holding her hand to her left, her father hold her hand to her right. The feeling was uncomfortable and unwanted. It didn't comfort her at all. Instead the comfort was no where to be found in the shell of her body. _

_She licked her dry lips, each day a tiny little bit of life creeping its way into her body. _

_She sighed as she watched the words move from the officer's lips at the end of the bed. _

"_The man…who did this was found…ermm… and we put him in jail. He was going to get...umm…death, but…well…Miss Carlin…he gone and killed himself." The young officer said fiddling with his hat. "I get..umm…I bet that makes you feel a little safe."_

_Spencer just nodded her head. Her throat hurt too much to speak. She was still completely oblivious to why._ [/i

"Now, the mental damage along with the physical damage that she had endured is unknown to many of us. From what we know, it was very extreme."

"That's right Sara, but also she must be doing alright for herself to be getting with Ashley Davies, haha."

"Well, of course, but let's go over a small overview of what happened."

"Of course and before I do that I would like to tell you guys that we will have a full coverage story tomorrow at 8pm. The Spencer Carlin story."

"So, Mark, what happened was very tragic. She was taking from her mother's Cincinnati apartment over two years ago. She was fifteen and was taken care of her younger infant brother. It is much unknown what happened that day, but we do know that it left the small infant mercilessly and brutally murdered."

[i _She held him in her arms, the giggling little boy. He looked a lot like her mom, but the dark brown curls on his tiny head reminded her of her step father. The feeling of him in her arms took the entire world away, he made her smile, and he made her feel content. _

_She was always the youngest. _

_Now, here she holds this little boy. _

_He was perfect. _

_She remembered when he was born; her mother had her in the room with her. The lights was dimmed. She was the first to hold him. His eyes barly opened, but she could tell it was the same color blue of her's. She smoothed back some of the thick dark hair and smiled at the small baby. She swore to herself that nothing would happen to him._ [/i

Ashley toned everything out. She looked back over at Spencer, her questions answered, yet a million more plagued her mind.

Dark blue eyes bore into her brown ones, she felt the bed shaking. She saw that the young girl was sitting up and lost inside her mind, trying desperately to breathe.

Ashley hurried and climbed up onto the bed, reaching Spencer. Her body violently shaking and Ashley could hear the simple beating of her heart a loud as anything.

She wrapped her arms around the girl. Instantly began whispering reassurances into her ear.

Spencer was locked away into past memories, her mind lost deep inside her head.

She couldn't come out of it.

She was continuously hit with memory after memory. Her mind had suppressed everything from her, shielding her from all that was in her head, but here it was. The door was unlocked and the flood began. She couldn't begin to sort through the memories, each and everyone confusing her.

It was as if everything was written in a foreign language and she couldn't translate it. No, she didn't know what scene belonged to what. She could feel everything; the feeling of pain and anguish. She felt is all.

She came out of it an hour later, startling Ashley when little whimpers escaped her lips. Ashley had not stopped letting out sweet hopes and countless reassurances.

Her body began to relax in her arms.

Ashley kissed away each tear that fell onto her cheek, hoping that she could kiss away all the pain that the girl experienced. She was still in shock of hearing the horrible news of her girlfriend's past, but she sat there, holding onto the girl.

"Baby, it's okay." She whispered, kissing a few tears that she had missed, each memory lightly glazing over her lips. "I will [b**never**[/b let anyone hurt you again. I swear I will never let anyone hurt you."

After a few seconds, Spencer wrapped her arms around the rock star. This is what you do, you hold on, you hold on and never let go of your safeness.


	12. Chapter 12:Lost Angel

I don't know if I am happy with this part, but it about the most important chapter yet. I wish I could of written it better though.

Anyway here it is, leave me some love.

Also, check out my new story Duck Tape after reading this…go on…check it out. Lol.

[b**Chapter Twelve**

**Lost Angel**

**Spencer's POV** [/b

[i_Her arms feel safe_. [/i

That is the first thing I think of when I wake up from the little sleep that had taken over me. I would be cliché and say something like, "All the thoughts of earlier came flowing back into my head."

That would be a lie.

It would be a lie because all those thoughts never left my head. Instead, they continue to pull me deeper and deeper into the past. Each and every thought that goes through my head is an instant reminder of the torture and suffering that I had been through. This is why I moved to Los Angeles, to run away from the reminders. I needed to free myself of my past and find a new future. Isn't Los Angeles is suppose to be a place for all the lost angels? Do I count as a lost angel?

Now, the running was useless.

I am back at square one.

"Spencer?" Ashley whispered to me.

She was still up, smoothing back my hair and rocking me. I am sitting here, cared for by the most beautiful and most wanted girl ever, yet I still am not happy. She was being completely and utterly selfless. She had come a long way since the first time I met her. She holds strong to her promises.

"Y-y-y-yeah?" I answered in a shaky voice.

"Baby, you are still shaking. Is there anyway I can calm you down?" Her voice was filled with concern and my heart fell into my chest.

All the damage done to my body didn't matter when she makes me feel all warm inside.

I shrugged my shoulders, never leaving her embrace. I could hear her voice on the television. I never knew she was a spokesperson for Proactive. Even her voice coming from the television was welcoming. It was better then the cold voices of reporters digging into people's lives because their's aren't that interesting.

"Do you think a warm bath with sooth you?" She asked. Her hand came up and pulled my hair away from my neck.

I look back at her, both terrified of my past and content in her arms. My eyes met her's, "Will you take one with me…I don't want to let go."

I have never touched a naked body and her's was beyond perfect. I felt entirely safe in her arms, when I laid back against her I felt content. I don't know if it was the steaming hot water or her body pressed against mine that calmed me down, but it worked.

She was rubbing my arms soothingly and I lay back against her, my head resting on her shoulder. Her face was along side mine, I felt her warm breath on my cheek.

"Spencer?" Her voice was a little under a whisper, she was dealing with me like a frightened child.

In some ways I was a frightened child.

"Mmm?" I answered, sliding deeper into the water feeling Ashley take a deep breath as my back slide across her clit. I didn't mean it to be anything sexual. In all honesty I can't handle anything sexual at this moment. Sex, making love, fucking, all are huge steps to take and I am not even close to ready right now. Even if I have a famous, sexy rock star naked behind me.

"What happened…" She took a breath. "I don't want you to force you to tell me or anything, but please know that you can. I am here, Spence, I promise that I will always be here."

She takes a pause. I guess to let that soak in before going on.

"Spencer, please trust me." The sound was almost begging. "Whatever you say will not change how much I…how I feel about you. Please, just trust me and let it all out."

I picked up her hand that was resting on my arm. I began to play with her soft, little hands. Her perfectly manicured nails, her long slender fingers, they where perfect hands. The hard calluses even felt smooth and silky. I wonder how she gets them. I saw her helping the roadies out earlier. Maybe she is one of those nice rock stars.

"Spen…"

"I was fifteen when it happened." I start out, my voice strong and unemotional. "Okay, lets tell you the back story. I was raised in a Catholic family; we were the typical family who did everything together. I have two brothers. Glen and Clay, Clay was my dad's case when he was eight and we adopted him. We were very close.

"I grew up in a small town in Ohio. Dad is a social worker. Mom was a head doctor at the hospital. We lived in this huge farm house, it was so beautiful. It had been in the family for ages. Well, since my father's family came from France in the 1920's or something. Anyway…

"Well, when I was ten my perfect world fell apart. There was this new doctor, Ben, my mom knew from college that began working with her. She would always stay late at the hospital. I remember her making up shit, saying that she had paper work to do. Well, in reality, she was fucking Ben.

"So, in a short span mom and dad got a divorce and she moved to Cleveland with Ben. She gave me a choice, to either live with dad or her."

I took a breath. This was the easy part, but I knew the harder stuff would come up later.

"I mean, she made me feel so guilty. I was only fucking ten years old and she wanted me to choose between her or my daddy. I remember everything so clearly. I just came into the house cause I was so hot, that summer was torture. Anyway, I came in from playing hide and seek with Glen and Clay and I heard mom and dad fighting. Well, more like mom yelling at dad.

"I was such an emotional child. I always had been and mom never understood that. Dad was always the one who cared about the way we all felt. I told mom to 'STOP' and then I got so angry." I turned my head to look Ashley in the eye. "Ash, I was never that angry as a kid. But it wall came out and I wanted to throw things! I made the choice to live with dad, but I would have through the vase that set on the foyer table if Dad didn't come and pick me up. Haha, I was always a Daddy's girl.

"I was mad at mom for so long…but we grew our relationship back. I mean, I spent the summers and…and some holidays with her and she made sure that she spent a lot of time with me."

I took a deep breath, "Then it happened."

It was completely silent. The only thing that I could hear was the water gently moving in the 4 am night. The large tube that held us was still filled with the scorching hot water. Small swear drops fell from our bodies. We were both so content, yet we were so tense.

"I was fifteen and I was in Cleveland spending time with Mom. My mom had gotten pregnant again and I had a baby brother. I was [b**still**[/b the only girl. I loved that little boy so much. You know, my mom even let me name him?" I said turning back to meet her intense gaze.

Ashley smiled lightly, still knowing that there was bad coming. "Really?"

I nodded my head, "Mmhmm. She thought I would say some really interesting unique name, but I picked Edward Harlow. He looked like a Edward."

"What did he look like?"

"He was small, tiny like. He had a full head of black hair, like Ben. But he had the purest blue eyes that you have ever seen. He was perfect." I said, smiling at the memory of my little bother. " I promised to always love and protect him. He was mine."

"I know you loved him so much." Ashley said wrapping her arms tighter around me.

I nodded my head and continued, "That day, I was watching him. I carried him everywhere. I didn't care if people said that it would give him too much attention. Hell, babies need that attention, that touch.

"He was four months…four months and fifteen days…and there was a knock on the door. I went to answer it and there was this guy at the door. He was handsome…" My voice became unemotional, monotone. "He had these crystal blue eyes, almost as pure as Edward's. He had this worried expression on his face. He asked if I seen his three year old nephew around the building, he left his door open and the little boy must have gotten out. I told him no, but I would help him look for him.

"I remember turning to go put Edward in this sling thingy that swaddles him. Then I felt this really sharp pain in my head and I don't remember anything about that day after that."

I turned off my feelings, my emotions know. I couldn't talk about this with emotions.

"I was gone for a longer then a year, almost two. I only remember the first week before completely shutting down. Well, I remember bits and pieces, you know?

"I was locked in this white room; it was so clean and reminded me of the white room that the little girl from the ring was locked in. I never saw a door, but I knew there was one cause he always came in. I will never forget the smell of ammonia and rubbing alcohol. I hated going to the hospital after that cause it reminded me of…that. I would have really bad panic attacks."

I was quiet for a moment. Ashley didn't let go or stop the smoothing touches, "Its okay, Spencer, I am right here."

"He did things to me. He told me they where experiments, you know, like I was some body he could take apart and put back together. Remember my finger?" Her hand goes and traces the scar, her head nodded.

"He cut it off only to sow it back on again. He did things worse then that. He did stuff to scar me. Can't you see all these scars on my body? I mean, look at them, they are hideous!" I say, my voice now was filled with digusted emotion.

Ashley shook her head, "No, no baby, I only noticed you. I never noticed them. Your beauty is too much to let some scars steal the show."

"No, Ashley, no they are right there in front of your eyes!"

Her arms tightened, "No, baby, all I see is you. You are fucking beautiful."

I shrug my shoulders, but deep inside somewhere I could see a spark of light.

"He also did things to hurt me emotionally. He would tell me that my family never looked for me, that they didn't love me. He told me that my body was hideous. He told me so many things, Ashley, that I believed him.

"He would video tape every single thing he did. He would always have a recorder in the room. Once, either the first or second day, I don't exactly remember, but I knocked it down…he burnt me twelve times for doing that. I still can smell burnt skin and ammonia. The pain eventually faded, but…" I moved my shoulder away a little.

A gasp escaped her lips as a hand came and trailed over the multiple scars on my lower shoulder.

"…but that never will go away."

I couldn't stop there, though, even when her trembling fingers continued to trace the raised, marred skin.

"You know, the pain always went away…and when it did I would also. I would always go in and out…but on the last day, the seventh day, I gave up. I was gone for ever.

"The day, in the kitchen, I had a panic attack. When I heard the song "You are my sunshine" sung, I was back there in that moment. Ashley I was never so scared like that, it was like I never left…Sometimes I wonder if I am still lost in that room and all this is my imagination."

I look down, my hand still playing with the fingers of her free hand.

"No, Spencer, this is real." She kisses my scar with soft loving lips, "This…we…are real."

Tears began to fall down my cheeks silently.

"I don't know how I was found; I just remember waking up in the hospital. My body told the whole story itself. My parents were there when I woke up. I remember they where happy I was alive, but they never looked at me like they used to. I used to be their little girl, and now…now I don't know what I was.

"I remember the doctors telling them I survived a large amount of torture…surgical…physical…emotional. They told them that I was never touched sexually…at least they couldn't find any evidence. They also said I would be healthy and normal soon enough. I quickly decided that they were full of shit!

"I was also told that they caught him…that he committed suicide. When I heard the news last night, I was so terrified Ashley."

"I promise…" [i_Ashley began but tightened her hold on the girl. As much as she told her, she knew the only way she would know is if she showed her. Ashley will go through hell for this girl if it meant that she would know that Ashley would protect her._ [/i

"A couple months after they released me from the hospital, I was back home. Every one, even my mom, was living there. The way they treated me though…they treated me so different. I could see the curious and pity looks in their eyes and it hurt me. It physically hurt me.

"They never left me alone, even when I slept. Mom was always there twenty four seven. I could tell she couldn't bare leaving me…she couldn't bare living in that apartment either. I mean, she came home that day and I was gone and Edward…he was…they never told me exactly what happen…they said it was too graphic."

I didn't realize that I was crying harder.

Ashley pulled me into her, the water slightly cooler, but her body warm. This felt primal and natural in some way. The way her body pressed into mine. The way I fit perfectly in her arms. The way the connection between us was perfect.

"I was so scared. I always looked over my shoulder. Everything I was around, my family and the town was a horrible piece of memory that I couldn't stand. That is when I made the decision to move as far as I could. I kept seeing him everywhere! I couldn't deal with it. So, I told my parents, who was against it, but I left."

"Do you talk to them?"

"I call once a week when I know that they will be gone and leave a message."

"You should talk to them."

"I'm not ready."

"Okay."

"My family leaves messages on my myspace though."

"That's really good."

…I miss them.

She turned my face to meet her's and her lips grazed mine. I need this, I need her.

She pulled away, "Thank you so much, Spence. It means so much that you trust me."

I nod my head, a small smile on my lips. "I do, you know, trust you."

Her lips meet mine once more.

"Good."

My smile got bigger, I look into her eyes and see everything that I need in them. Funny how things turn out, how bad can turn into good.

By telling her my story, I feel a little free from it. Not completely, oh no no, I am not even close to free, but I feel a little lightened.

Ashley stands up, water dripping from her wet body. She steps out of the large tub and holds her hand out. As if asking me to take it and to never let go.

"Common, lets go check our myspaces."

This is the scary part.

I can see myself falling.

I am falling so deep…but the thing is I'm not falling into myself anymore…no, that is too safe…I'm falling for her.

BONUS!

[IMGhttp://i13. think? hmmm?

oh and don't forget to check out the other fic, duck tape:drool:


	13. Chapter 13:Hear Me

Here is your lovely chapter. Now that we got past the part of Spencer telling and Ashley finds out what happened. How is Ashley reacting? What is she going to do to help her? Can she do anything?

I hope you like this chapter and I am still looking for a beta.

Don't forget to check out my other fic, Duck Tape.

Love you!

[b**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS A LITTLE DARK. DEALING WITH ABUSIVE CHILDHOODS.**

**Chapter Thirteen**

**Hear Me**

**Ashley's POV**

[/b

She was sleeping dreamlessly.

The towel wrapped around her body had fell down a little to expose her milky colored cream. I smiled at her and pressed a small kiss on her forehead. Her head nestled closer to my thigh.

She was safe.

I glanced down at Amalia with Colby in her lap and Alice in Wonderland in front of her. She was looking at each and every page intently.

My daughter, beautiful and brilliant.

She was a Davies after all.

Her blond hair was messy and falling out of the bun that Spencer had put it in last night. I watched as her clear blue eyes flickering across the page, attempting to read the words. When she didn't know one she would verbally sound it out. If she didn't know the meaning then her blue eyes would look up at me, her small timid voice asking me the meaning.

If it wasn't for the broken girl next to me, I would never be here with them.

I would be sleeping, because the night before I had partied my ass of. I wouldn't have a hangover from all the alcohol or drugs I consumed. I, too, was a Davies. We didn't have hangovers. It was that simple.

Instead, I am here with my daughter on the floor next to me and my beautiful lost angel next to me. I looked over by my cell and smiled at the newly taking pictures. There was one of us taken the day we left for the airport. The next one was of Amalia, running over to Spencer. I felt an overwhelmingly heart wrenching emotion flow through my body constantly and randomly when I am around these two.

Is it love?

The blinds were open, the sun flowing happily into the room. My Mac Book Pro rested silently in my lap as I went back to checking my myspace. I got a couple messages from some of my friends, and the other hundred was from my fans. As much as I love them, I couldn't respond to some. I usually leave a little comment or two every now and then to some of the everyday posters, but most of the time I didn't.

A lot of the comments were from fans that sympathized with Spencer, each comment telling their horrific story of some sort of abuse or lost.

It made my heart drop.

She told me…everything.

There were parts when she told me that her eyes would flash emotionless, like in that exact moment she lost all hope in this world. Then, when our eyes caught…her eyes was filled with that life that inspired me to become better.

She was my savoir.

She was my teacher.

She was my lover.

She was my everything.

I stopped typing.

I couldn't be.

Was I falling in love with her?

I looked back down at her, wiping some of the stand hairs from her face. She was perfect, yet she was broken. All I wanted to do was fix her. I wanted to forget all my problems and focused on her.

If you think about it, my problems didn't matter anymore. All I wanted to do was take care of my girls.

I remember when I would lie in bed, the night almost over but there I lie. The pillows surrounded me, and they where the only thing that showed me the attention I craved. As desperate as I was, when I had a different girl in bed with me every night, there was times I would just had the night to myself to wallow in my own self pity.

I wished for her.

I wanted her.

I [b**needed**[/b her.

Yet, then, I didn't know her.

So, instead, the pillows that surrounded me and the light melodic sound of my voice was the only thing keeping me from my inevitable breakdown. I would always sing myself to sleep. I always hoped that in my dreams I would see her, know that there was some sort of hope out there.

As much as I wanted to believe that I was free from my childhood, I never was. The constant nightmares of being used and being abused never let me sleep for too long. Only when I was either too drunk or too fucked up did those nightmares go away and was replaced by dreamless slumber.

I accepted that I was fucked up. That I didn't know what love was or that I couldn't even begin to love.

How am I suppose to know what love was when I never had it.

I knew what sex was. I knew what hate was. Hell, I even knew how to suck a cock by the time I went into forth grade. But, I didn't know what love was. I couldn't grasp onto the thought of some feeling inside of you that made you happy.

I was always jealous of them…the perfect families.

I mean, what was that? Right?

When I was just starting this business, starting writing my albums. Each and every song on them was a cry for help. I mean, could they hear me? Could they hear the desperate sound escaping my voice when I would tenderly sit on that stool in the middle of the stage and sang to them?

Was it obvious that I was singing to her when I didn't even know her?

Was it obvious that I wanted to love her?

Could I possibly love her?

I used to be afraid to let someone in, someone deep inside me. I was too afraid if I did they wouldn't like all the dirtiness that flowed inside me.

With her, I wanted to open my self up and show her every single thing inside me. I wanted pull away my organs and show her everything hidden behind them. I wanted to cut my heart open and show her every single piece hidden inside it. I wanted to show her the decay and the healing.

She wasn't ready yet.

I don't think she is ready to see all the dying flesh.

I know when she is ready…I will be healing. I knew everything would clean and new for her eyes to see.

She would understand me.

She would never judge me.

She would love me for me.

Like I love her for her….

Love?

Could this possibly be love?

Is wanting to always protect her and never want to seeing her hurt again be love?

I promised her, I assured her, that I would never go anywhere. I would never leave her alone.

I want to help her through all those repressed memories. I want to make her feel safe again. I want to fix her. I needed to fix her. If she never got fixed, what was the chance I could get fixed?

We were two little girls, broken into pieces, trying to pick up the pieces and glue them back together.

When I cried desperately for her, months before I even knew her…she heard me.

"Mama, what does…d..da..da..dis…ah..poyn…ta..ed… mean?" Amalia asked from her spot on the floor.

I smiled down at her and shut my laptop. I laid the metal on the table and motioned for my daughter to climb up there. The sweet little girl stood up and held the oversized book up to me. I took it and sat it down on my lap and helped the little girl up so she sat facing me. The book lying sideways in the middle of me.

"Hmmm, which word?"

"That one." Her tiny finger pointed to the word on the page.

Something caught my eye.

I reached for her left hand, lowering my head to examine it closer. There was a dark patch of skin between her thumb and pointer finger that curled up in the crease. It was about an inch long and barley noticeable, but the skin was dark as if it was in the sun a little longer then the rest of her skin.

I never noticed this birth mark on my daughter…

But I did on someone else's'.

I smiled lovingly to my daughter, "It's disappointed, baby."

She nodded her head and moved the book until it was in front of her again. She went back to her reading, each word pronounced a little off but loud for me to hear and praise her on it.

I gently reached for the hand lying on my thigh now. I didn't want to wake the sleeping girl up. Bringing her hand into the light, I examined it.

There it was.

The exact same mark lies on her hand.

I looked from my daughter to her.

My breath stopped.

I reached for my cell by the table, holding Spencer's hand in mine.

"Hold on, baby, for a moment." I told my daughter.

She nodded her messy blond hair a little. My eyes were bouncing back and forth between both girls. Amalia was the exact copy of Spencer.

"Hello?"

"Travis?"

"Oh, Ashley, how are you doing? What do I owe this lovely call for?"

"I need your help."

The old man's voice echoed from the other side of the cell, "Of course, anything for you. You truly out did yourself with the last donation. What can I do for you?"

"Is there any way I could get you to do a DNA test for me?"

"Well, Ms. Davies, ummm what happened?"

"Ha-Ha, Travis. Please?"

"Sure, just bring in the people and I can do it."

"That's the thing…they can't know."

Spencer's Myspace Comments.

[IMGhttp://i13. Two Photographs

[IMGhttp://i13. forget to check out my other fic, Duck Tape.

And please leave some feedback, no matter if it is even a smiley.


	14. Chapter 14: Results

**Chapter Fourteen**

**Results**

(Ashley's POV)

---------------------

Faded jeans, Dickies hoodie, Dior sunglasses, and a John Deer baseball cap on. Either I was going to some college sporting event or I was undercover.

It was the later.

I had my black iPhone Bluetooth in my ear listening to my sister speaking rapidly on the other end about wanting to meet my new girlfriend. I said my 'yeahs' and 'uh huhs' at the right time, but I have to honestly say I didn't know what she was really talking about.

I was undercover.

I was on a mission.

I was on a life altering journey that would forever change my views on this cruel world.

"Ms. Davies?" Evan said from next to me. The older man nodded toward the large sign that read 'FedEx'. My heart started to beat so hard that I had to stop and clutch my chest. Evan stopped in his footsteps and put his large hand on my shoulder.

I smiled up at him to say I'm alright. Evan has been my body guard ever since I needed one. The tall six foot seven, 250 pound man was like a protective older brother. He has been there to protect me no matter what. The half Asian/half Russian man had a thick Russian accent and a deadly look in his dark hazel eyes.

"Just nerves, I'm okay." I told him with a nervous smile.

He nodded his head and looked around again to survey the area. I am not entirely clear on his past, but I do know that he grew up with his Russian father who worked with the government and spent holidays with his Japanese mother. He went to school at a Russian reform school up in the mountains for several years since he was five, but then when he turned twelve he was sent to some martial arts school in Japan. There was about ten years that his resume missed but the only response I got from him was 'I had to take care of some business'.

He had never let me down, and today was no different. I was on a mission, and he was right there on my side. I usually don't go out much when I am on tour. Okay let me rephrase that, I usually don't go out much at eight in the fucking morning. This morning was a special reason.

I got a call from Travis this morning.

I almost had a heart attack.

He had the results and he sent them to FedEx for me to pick them up.

Travis Richardson is the co-founder of an institute where they do stem cell research. I can't honestly tell you what his exact title or what it is all they do there. I can only tell you that I donated a large amount of money too them. Again, I have no clue why. It was during one of those times I was so fucked up that I don't remember half the things I did.

I remember Travis though because he was there for me a year and a half ago when Amalia was sick. I never mentioned it to anyone. It was a very hard time and I was still adjusting to the life of being a rock star. I was on tour in Canada when I got a call from my current nanny at the time telling me that Amalia feel into a coma.

I might have not been the best mother, and I might not have been there for my daughter ever. But when I got my call I took a private jet to Los Angeles for my daughter. I think that was the first time that I was ever there for my daughter, and completely loved her.

The doctors didn't know what the reason was but there was an odd thing about her DNA. They called in Travis and he went to work. I was always either with her or talking to him about what he thought it was. He asked me a lot of questions about my family history. He said that she had this disease that affected some of her brain cells and it made them to completely shut down causing her to slip into a coma.

It was an easy cure to it, some sort of liquid they pumped into her IV. The tiny toddler was back awake, but Travis was still boggled by the illness.

It was only hereditary.

That brings us back here, full circle. I am walking into FedEx, anxious to get the results to the DNA test. I thought it would be hard to get the samples, but it really was just about making a few calls to Cincinnati General. Travis already had blood samples of Amalia, he just needed Spencer's.

"Ashley!" The voice in my ear screamed.

I snapped out of my mind, "Huh?"

"God! You really need to learn to listen."

"Sorry."

"Hey, I got to go. Roan is about to come home and I want to talk to him. I'll see you next week right?"

"Sure, okay, bye."

I took out the ear piece and held it in my hand, rubbing nervously at the cold piece.

I walked up to the counter, Evan staying by the door. There was a black haired young teenage boy at the counter. He smiled timidly like he really didn't want to be here.

"Can I help you, Miss?" His voice was tired. Oh, he was up last night.

"Yeah, I am here to pick up a package for Marie Davies."

His eyes got big. "Wait…Marie? No, no your fucking Ashley Davies!"

"Shh Shhh, I'm not trying to be seen." The old, impatient Ashley was coming through.

He just smiled, "Dude! I loved your concert last night!"

I frowned, "Please shut up, I'm not here. I just need to get my package!"

"Okay dude, but common, you did look really hot last night!"

I gritted my teeth, "Package?"

He scoffed and turned around to look through some packages. I am not perfect, but I must say ever since Spencer came into my life, I have changed.

He turned back with a large envelope in his hands and handed it too me, "Here you go, babe."

I grabbed the package out of his hands and 'Pfft' at him before walking away.

As Evan and I step outside in the cool Washington air….I look at the envelope.

"You gonna open it?" Evan asked me while we walked the couple blocks back to the hotel.

I look at him and then down. My heart was beating, my head began to hurt, and my fingers was pilling away the opening.

It was the moment of truth.


	15. Chapter 15: The Institute

**Chapter Fifteen**

**The Institute**

(Ashley's POV)

-----------------------

"Ashley Davies, mother of Amalia Davies, shares no DNA..."

It was written in perfect script next to the official typed letter. The words had me silenced for the last hour. I was standing outside the door to the hotel room where my daughter…she's not my daughter.

I can feel tears rolling down my cheeks. I don't know if they are there because I just found out that my daughter isn't truly mine or was it because the baby who really is somewhere I don't know where. My daughter, my baby, the little girl who I loved with all my heart and soul…she isn't mine.

[b**I would never love her any less.** [/b

Yet, it changes everything that I believed was true. It all changed everything I believed in.

"Spencer Carlin and Amalia Davies share the exactly same DNA…"

How could this fucking be? I was completely confused by these results even with Travis' marks and comments in random places. How was it even possible that someone share the 'exact' DNA. I may not be the smartest person ever, but I know enough that people don't share the exact DNA. It is not possible at all. It was even ethic.

Would that make Spencer her mother?

Would that be so bad?

I love them, both of them. This would really make us a family.

Was I even ready for that?

How could this all fucking happen?

Okay, Amalia is Spencer. Well, she is a copy of Spencer…a clone?

Is that even fucking possible?

God, I am so confused.

If Amalia is here, then what does that mean about my baby? The baby that I carried for nine months? The baby that I saw on the little black screen sucking her thumb when she was six months? The baby that had changed my life? What would she have looked like? Would she have looked like me? I bet she would have had Aiden's eyes.

Oh God, what happened to my baby?

Fuck, what am I going to tell Spencer?

This is really going to fuck her up more!

How will we explain this to Amalia? I don't think she would understand it at this age, maybe she would? This is going to be a huge effect on all of our lives.

"You can tell she's a Davies." Spencer had said once.

I wipe hard at my tears and look back down at the papers.

"Ashley,

This is the first time I have EVEN seen such evidence. I did forty tests on this and yet it all came out the same way. I even got doctor's records of Ms. Carlin's history and was amazed at how similar they appear. When Ms. Carlin was one she was admitted to the hospital for her random passing out. It was the same issue the Amalia had in the past, except with Ms. Carlin they found it earlier.

Ashley, this brings up so many questions and the only way I can answer them it to have both girls in my office. The sooner, the better. I was able to check into Ms. Carlin's history and even found the doctor's accounts of how she was when she came back from…well you know. They found many unknown things and I HAVE to have her in to see what they are.

If we all work together, I can promise we can figure this out…"

I stopped reading right there.

So many questions that I NEEDED to be answered, and I know that there are a lot Spencer needed to have answered. She told me she doesn't remember any of it. It makes since, but if she did then what would have happened?

Is this what people call fate?

Is this what people call fucked up fate?

"Ms. Davies?" Evan said stepping out of his hotel room.

I wipe the missed tears and look at him. "Huh?"

"What's wrong?" He asked softly. He was exactly like an older brother to me, like my family.

I shook my head, "Right when I thought my world was better, everything fucking breaks apart!"

I slide onto the floor against the wall, my hands clutching at my head. Evan took a seat next to me. "What's happening?"

I shook my head, "I can't tell you."

He lifted my chin and looked me in the eyes, "Ashley, we're like family. What is happening?"

"What if you found out that Natasha wasn't your daughter?" I looked over at the wall, my tears drying on my cheeks.

He scrunched her eyebrows. Natasha was Evan's six year old daughter, his whole heart. She was everything to him that Amalia was to me, except he was always there for her. His wife Augusta and her usually even tour with us cause he can't handle being away. "What? Do you know something?"

"No, no Evan it's just hypothetical. Believe me, we all know she is yours. She has your eyes and your mother's face."

"Oh…okay. Well, does that answer your question? Haha."

"Your world would fall apart right?"

"What's happening?"

I thrust the papers at him. He was the only person I could confide too right now, and I needed him more than ever.

After a couple gasps and Russian words he sat down the papers and took me in his arms. "Ashley, I don't know what to say. This is fucked up. It's all going to be okay though. Nothing bad is going to happen."

I was crying again. "But…but…but what if something does. What if Amalia won't love me like her mommy? What if Spencer wants her and then leaves? What if…."

"Ashley, none of that is going to happen. Your world won't fall away. Amalia will always be your daughter no matter who she shares DNA with."

I sniff, "Really? But what about Spencer?"

"Ashley, Amalia will always be your daughter, and as for Spencer. You love her, and this is just a way God is tying you two together."

"H-h-how do you know I love her?"

He laughed a loud bumming laughter, "Ashley believe me…YOU love her and SHE loves you. It's that simple. Now, you go in there with your girls."

He helps me stand up and hands me the papers. I wipe my eyes with my hoodie and take some breaths. "You won't tell?"

He shakes his head and brings me into a crushing hugs. "I will never tell! Ashley, you're going to have to tell Spencer. She deserves to know and I suggest you go to Travis also."

I pull back and look up at him. "This is some fucked up shit isn't it?"

He nods his head, "THIS shit is so fucked up I feel like I on the SciFi channel."

This causes both of us to laugh and pull apart.

I look at my hotel door.

I have to go in.

They were sitting on the floor in front of the huge windows when I walked in.

Spencer was sitting against the couch with a large sketch pad against her raised knees, and was flicking her eyes from the paper to Amalia.

She was being the perfect model, sitting still and unmoving. She had Spencer's iPhone in her lap and the white earbuds going into her ears. She was sitting there unmoving, watching Foster's Home on the device.

I look between both girls. Their blue eyes were both calm and focused…the same. Spencer's blond hair was pulled into a pony tail while Amalia had her's down on her shoulders. If I didn't know them and stood there I would think they were mother and daughter.

I honestly don't know how to handle this. I am so used to dealing with all my problems with drugs and alcohol. It will numb everything and let it all fall from my mind.

I couldn't do that now, I couldn't let them down like that.

I love Amalia so much.

I love Spencer so much; somewhere deep down knows that I love her.

It won't be that bad.

We can be a family, the three of us. We can settle down in Los Angeles, or anywhere that Spencer wants to go. I would go anywhere for her. I can stop touring, but still having my studio and my music. I can be home with my girls and we can do what families do. I am still hazy on what exactly they do, but we can do them.

I can be there for Amalia's birthdays. I can be there for her first day at school. I can be there for her recitals or whatever she wants to get into. We can eat dinner together and go to the park, and just be happy…together.

It wouldn't be that bad.

I walk over to Spencer, taking a seat behind her. She smiled over at me and turned back to focus on her drawing. I leant down and kissed the top of her head.

I never noticed how beautifully she could draw. She was etching Amalia's face into the paper forever, just the way she was.

"Wow," I said my voice a little above a whisper. "She's really quiet."

Of course, she is always mostly quiet.

"Yeah, she's a really good kid." Spencer says and returns her eyes to the paper. She was putting the final touches to the large, beautiful sketch of my girl…our girl.

"She reminds me of how I was when I was a kid." She said lightly laughing.

I sighed loudly. "R-r-r-really? How?"

"Oh, just how timid she is. Of course she can be wild at times like someone I know." She turns her gaze at me and smiles teasingly. My heart flutters…she my daughter is like me. She continues, "But she is mostly emotionally driven. I used to be like that. Okay, I am still but you catch what I mean."

My voice falls to a whimper, "She is just like you…exactly."

"Yeah, but a lot of times you can tell she's yours." Spencer says and looks back at me.

Her face immediately turns to concern as she sees tears fall from my cheeks. She puts down the sketch pad and turns to sit on her knees in between my legs.

I hiccup and turn my head from her.

I didn't want to be like this. I didn't want to break down like this.

I didn't want to tell her like this.

Spencer takes my face in my hands and wipes at the tears. "Baby, what's wrong?"

I shake my head, "It's all wrong."

"What's wrong?"

Amalia had taken off her earbuds and was now looking at us, watching silently.

"Spencer…" I can't tell her. I really can't.

I stand up and move away from her.

I walk over to Amalia. The little girl had a confused look on her face. I bend down and pick her up, holding her in my arms.

"What's wrong, mommy?" She doesn't call me Mommy much, usually the French version of Mama. I knew she was concerned…just like her.

I hold her to me, "I love you so much baby."

Her tiny arms wrapped around my neck, "I love you too mommy."

Spencer puts a hand on my lower back, "What's wrong?"

I turn my gaze at her, "Look at the papers on the couch."

I hear her turn and pick up the envelope.

Everything was quiet for five minutes. I held onto Amalia and the little girl never let go. I don't care what those papers said, she was still my daughter no matter what. In this moment, right now, I felt it more than ever. I felt sorry for all the time I missed with her, but it didn't matter anymore. She was my baby girl.

The only thing that bothered me was that my other baby girl, the one who I knew for an entire nine months and loved and was my first love was out there somewhere with God knows who.

I heard her gasp and fall too the floor.

I turned and saw her sitting against the couch. She wasn't crying. I think she has done enough of that in her life.

She was in shock.

I took a seat next to her. I sat Amalia in-between my legs.

I took Spencer's hand.

She squeezed mine.

This is all we could do.

--------------------------------

I canceled my tour.

I told my manager that it was urgent and even went to the extent to get Travis to tell the record company some bullshit story of how I was really ill and needed treatment at his Oregon institute.

It wasn't a complete lie.

We talked all yesterday night. We talked and talked and talked….oh and we talked.

We both were on the same page. The confused and agape page.

We also was a little freaked out…okay A LOT freaked out.

So, we are here.

The building is very modern, tucked away in Oregon's woody regions. There was a lot of window's and a very comfortable sitting.

When we walked in we were greeted with a smiling brunette woman in a white lab coat. Spencer was carrying Amalia, while I held onto her hand and held onto our rolling suitcase. Evan was behind us with his wife and daughter at his side. I insisted that he came with me, and it would also be a good idea to bring his family. He held a bad on his shoulder and two other rolling suitcases in his hands.

This felt extremely surreal.

April, the woman who greeted us told us to sit our suitcases by the front desk and they would take them to our suite. There was a pregnant woman sitting off in the waiting area reading a magazine and a two identical twins playing at her feet.

The front lobby was open so you could see the forest outside. As we walked deeper into the building it got dimmer and in some areas there were sky lights. No matter where we went a feeling of calmness was sat on us. Over the intercom was lullaby music playing softly. The annoying intercom announcements where not once made.

April led Spencer, Amalia, and I away to the labs while she had a guy named Steven take Evan and his family away to our suite.

"Mommy, where are we?" The little girl asked me as April led us down a long hall.

"Ummm…we are at the doctors."

"Why?"

"Cause we need to take some test."

"Why?"

Spencer chuckled, "Cause we want to figure out some things."

"Oh, okay." And she leaned her head onto Spencer's shoulders.

Spencer squeezed my hand and smiled.

She was brave.

Yet somewhere in her eyes I could see so much fear it scared me. She put on a GOOD front, but I can tell that she was scared her past was coming out to haunt her…and she would have to deal with it.

I pulled her closer to me as we walked into a semi large room.

I saw Travis sitting on some comfortable looking couches and a lot of different paper work scattered a large table. Next to him was an older looking dark haired woman and a blond headed man, they smiled as we walked in.

Spencer froze.

I froze.

I pulled her closer to me.

I was fucking scared.

She was fucking terrified to death.

They were all smiling.

"Welcome to McDalton Institute."

---------------------------

Chapter 16 on it's way. Sorry, I'm on a roll. I'm right there with you guys and want to know what happeneds. I am seriously letting my hands write it and then after I post read it like the rest of you guys. After Chapter 16 I will work on Duck Tape also.


	16. Chapter 16: Remembering

**Chapter Sixteen**

**Remembering**

(Spencer's POV)

"Welcome to the McDalton Institute."

My heart was beating outside my chest and I held Amalia against my chest protectingly. I held one hand on her head against her hair to keep her head on my shoulder. She could since our extreme discomfort and her arms wrapped tightly around my neck. I could feel her heart beating quickly in sync with mine.

Ashley pulled me a little behind her. Like me, she was terrified but for all different reasons.

"Oh, your girls shouldn't be scared. We are here for some test right?" The doctor, who I believe is Travis, asked smiling.

_"Sweetheart, I am just going to do a couple experiments."_

He said that, he had told me that. I had blocked it out.

My heart was racing even quicker to the point it was hard to breath.

Why was he sitting right there, next to Travis?

My body was freezing, I couldn't freeze.

They told me he was dead.

He wasn't supposed to be right there, smiling smugly.

I am supposed to be free.

Los Angeles was my freedom; it was suppose to be different.

I was only supposed to be her nanny.

I was only supposed to be Ashley's lover.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

This isn't possible.

I am still fifteen and at my mum's apartment.

I am still watching the baby and mum is about to come home.

I never was taken and I am normal.

Yet, I'm not.

I am standing here in front of the man who had tortured me.

"Well, have a seat girl's." Travis said pointing to the opposite sofa.

"What the fuck is going on here?!" Ashley demanded, her anger hitting a level that I have never seen. Her grasp on my hand was crushing. I was breaking down and she was building up. We were so different, yet the same.

I noticed her left hand crawl behind her and tap at the back of her jeans. Then go back to place by her side.

It didn't matter, I looked back up.

Different imagines flowed through my head. All at once causing me to take a step back and wince at the pain that it brought.

"Why the fuck is she hear!?" I hear Ashley yell, but I couldn't really see at who.

I was breaking down.

I was remembering.

_Everything was sterile. _

_The smell of ammonia never left. _

_A bright light was above me. _

_I felt cold. _

_Something was down by my legs, they were spread. _

_The room was too bright, I couldn't see. _

_I was in the white room. _

_I was always in the white room. _

_There was food in front of me. _

_It wasn't the nasty stuff from the first day. _

_It was a full meal. Fruit, salad, bottled water, chicken, mashed potatoes, cheesecake. _

_I reached for it. _

_No IV._

_He came in. _

_No tools. _

_He checked my wrist. _

_He talked to me. _

_We had a conversation on how I felt today. _

_I wasn't me. _

_I was just watching from the background. _

_When I pulled myself away, a carefree me took my place. _

_Something kicked inside my belly. _

_He stood there in front of me._

_He told me how it will all be okay._

_It was an experiment. _

_They experimented on me. _

_There, it was again. _

_A tiny, little kick. _

_Someone telling me that they are there and they shouldn't be ignored. _

_I felt it, even from my hazy memory. _

_He burned my belly with a heated metal. _

_An experiment he said. _

_It would only hurt me. _

_Not her. _

_I think he just liked scaring my body._

_The light was back. _

_I couldn't see. _

_I was numb. _

_I couldn't feel. _

_I heard a loud cry. _

_It went dark again._

"Spencer?" Ashley's worried voice carried through my haziness. I was lying on something comfortable. I looked up, Ashley was standing in front of me.

"What happened?"

"You passed out." She said combing a piece of hair back.

"Please tell me…"

"We're still here," She said calmly. Her concern and gentleness with me was welcoming.

My heart beat was slower than it was, but still there.

She leaned to kiss my forehead, "Don't worry, we're safe. Just hang in here for an hour."

Her lips touched my skin creating calmness.

"Please," She pleaded.

I nodded my head and sat up on the couch. She had Amalia in front of her on the floor. She picked her up and took a seat next to me. The little girl climbed into my lap and curled herself up, resting her face in the crook of my arm. Ashley holding onto my hand.

Amalia didn't need to hear any of this.

I look up at the three pairs of eyes. "Can I let her listen to my iPhone?"

Travis laughed, "Of course, you don't have to ask."

I got out the device while Ashley began to ask questions.

"What the fuck is happening here mom?"

My head sparks up and looks between Ashley and the dark haired woman.

We are all connected.

If this is fate's twisted way to show that Ashley and I are meant then Fate has a fucked up way to show it.

"Now Honey, I never raised you to speak like that."

"Fuck that shit; you never raised me at all. Only time I saw you were after you let your fucking boyfriend fuck me." Ashley was now yelling across the room and pointing between both her and her mom.

My eyes where wide.

What?

I knew Ashley had a rough childhood, but….

"Oh my god," I hear the words slipping from my mouth.

"Well, honey, if you wasn't a little whore then maybe…" The beautiful demon of a woman across from us suggested.

I cut her off, emotionless and hollow, "Both of you shut up."

There was silence.

Ashley looked at me concerned, she could tell by my voice that I was slipping away and the person who kept my body safe a while ago was coming in. Okay, she knew something was going on.

The woman who gave birth to Ashley shut her mouth completely.

"Okay, what is going on? You obviously wanted us hear, so explain."

He smiled at me, "Now that is the Spencer I know."

My eyes stabbed at him, "I don't believe that is the answer I am looking for."

"Yes, well, Ms. Carlin, you already know about Amalia." Travis started.

"She's my…clone?"

"Indeed, you were the perfect person to do it on. I remember looking at your blood work a long, long time ago and knowing that you would be perfect to replica. It was all about timing though." Travis stated.

"And you did everything when it was the time?" I asked him, the blond man who caused me hell.

He nodded, "Please, call me Gray. Yes, I did. It was very simple really."

"If that was all you were going to do, then what the fuck was with the torture?"

He chuckled, "Just fun."

I grind my teeth. I am speechless and at disbelief.

I was still wondering how this ever happened to me. It's funny how you don't even THINK of the possibility of this ever happen to someone.

Ashley's hand held mine. Funny how everything's reversed now. She was shaken up and I was calm and collected.

"W-w-w-what happened to my baby?" She asked in a tiny voice.

Travis' face held sympathy, "Christine, what happened to the baby?"

The brunette shrugged, "Foster care or something."

"You bitch," Ashley said disgusted.

I caressed her hand, "Why? Why did you do that?"

Gray spoke, "We had to place her somewhere and Christine told me that Ashley was pregnant and you two ironically gave birth on the same day. It was perfect. We needed to keep an eye on her and what better than with Ashley? She was never with her, always out on tour, and we had the nanny in there keeping tabs. It was wonderfully timed actually."

I held Amalia tightly, "What did you do to her?"

"Absolutely nothing," Travis said. "We wanted to watch her, watch her patterns. We needed to see if everything was successful."

"What was the purpose of all this?"

Gray smiled at me, the smile I remembered, "All in the name of science."

"That's bull…"

The door slammed open.

Evan stood there with men behind him.

I don't remember much after that.

The stronger, hollower Spencer had taken complete control.

They told me I didn't have to worry anymore.

They told us we were finally safe.

I believed them.

After I saw the bodies in the morgue.

Ashley once told me that Evan was like a protective older brother.

I believe her now.

I would like to say that is the end of our story.

We finally found justice in the ones who hurt us the most.

We found answers to questions.

We found ourselves, our past and our future.

We found love.

We found a little bit of family even.

We have a story to tell that is unbelievable.

I would love to say we are finish.

Yet, there is so much more left.

Our story isn't even close to done.

**FIN**

Sequel?

Indeed.

It's going to be more Spashley and more defined. Plus…more NC17.

Plus, I know you guys have some unanswered questions.


End file.

South of Nowhere, Angst, Romance