Chalet School 1. Chapter 1

Nell Wilson was just settling down on the sofa in the pretty staff room, preparing to bury herself in the latest Jeeves novel until Kaffee und Kuchen, when in at the door came a harrassed-looking Hilda Annersley, young David Russell in her arms.

"Your turn, eh?" chuckled Nell, an amused expression on her face.

"Madame is taking the seniors for religion, yes," replied Hilda sedately, "and so I have David."

Nell gave another chuckle and picked up her book.

"Lucky old you," she said sarcastically, opening it at the front page and beginning to read.

Hilda came into the room and put David down on his crawling rug in front of the sofa, a surprisingly calculating expression on her face.

"What are you doing now?" she enquired innocently.

"Nothing," was the smug response. "I've finished my marking, competed all my preparation for the rest of the week and now I'm stealing half an hour with my book before Kaffee."

"Lucky old you," Hilda said mildly.

"Lucky old me," agreed Nell, her concentration on her book.

Hilda looked up from where she was crouching with David. A guilty expression flitted briefly across her face and she glanced down at David, then back up at Nell.

"Nell...I don't suppose…"

"Hmm?" Nell looked up, then grew wary at the expression on her friend's face.

"Oh, no," she said emphatically. "_No_, Hilda."

"But you're free," begged Hilda, "and I've all the middles' scripture to mark, and the senior essays from last Monday, and I've not had a chance to prepare my classes for tomorrow, and I'm on duty tonight and you _know_ how much work I'll get done in that case!"

"Hilda!" Nell's voice had a pleading note in it. "It's my free! I've got my new book - I've had it a fortnight and no chance to so much as glance at it until today…"

"You can still read it!" Hilda wheedled. "I'm sure David won't bother you - Madame's always saying what a placid little boy he is."

"But he's a _baby_!" protested Nell. "What do I know about babies?"

"Oh, they're quite simple," said Hilda breezily. "You just have to keep an eye on him - bounce him a bit if he cries…"

"Cries?" Nell looked horrified. "I think you'd better take him, Hilda - I can't be having with a crying baby. I'll get it all hopelessly wrong, I know I will...please, don't do this!"

"I'll make it up to you," Hilda offered, retreating rapidly. "You are doing me such a favour, Nell - I can't thank you enough!"

"_Hilda_!"

But Hilda had disappeared and the door was closing behind her.

"Coward!" called Nell, shaking a fist in the direction of the door. Then she sighed and turned, preparing to meet her fate.


	2. Chapter 2

Geography mistress and baby regarded one another solemnly.

"There, there," said Nell.

David's face fell.

"Buh," he said, and then his little mouth wobbled and crumpled up to cry. Nell, perceiving that tears were the order of the day, leapt up in a panic and scouted swiftly about her for something to offer him. Finding nothing, she reached out with her new Jeeves book and brandished it at the baby.

"Look!" she cried. "Look! Book!"

David's eyes lit up briefly and opened his mouth.

"Guh!" he exclaimed, and reached for the book.

Nell withdrew it sharply.

"No, you can't have it," she told him, and David stared at her, then screwed up his face and gave voice to a wail which had Nell frantically thrusting the book at him in the hope that it would quiet him. Brightening, David stopped crying and gripped a corner of the book, then sank his mouth around it and gummed it furiously.

"Oh...David!" Nell was reluctant to deprive him of the thing that was keeping him quiet, but neither was she relishing seeing her new book with its cover coated in saliva and its pages being bent and crumpled. She got up off her knees and took a more thorough look around the room, trying to find something less precious for David to practice his chewing on. Finally she spotted a rattle on the arm of one of the chairs, left there by the last babysitter. She snatched it up and handed it to the baby, who relinquished his grip on the book and grabbed at the rattle, allowing Nell to sneak her book away and smooth its pages down. She grimaced at the state of the cover and fished a handkerchief from her pocket to wipe it clean.

"David, you are a messy child," she told him sternly, and he looked up at her, all innocent dark eyes, the rattle handle clamped in his mouth.

"Guh," he informed her, and then looked down in surprise at the rattle, which had fallen from his mouth onto his feet. Nell watched as he fumbled about for it then got distracted by his own toe, which he inserted into his mouth instead.

"Was _I_ really like that once?" she thought to herself in amazement, watching his gleeful contortions.

He chewed on his toe for a little while, before taking it out, sticking his tongue out and attempting to examine it, going cross-eyed in the process. Nell, watching in amazement, began to laugh, and David uncrossed his eyes, looked up at her, and laughed too.

"Ha!" he said, and brandished the rattle at her. Nell bent down to take the proffered item, only to have it snatched away from her. The baby gave her a reproachful look.

"Fine, then," she said to him. "You keep it."

She settled herself back on the sofa and, seeing David was occupied with the rattle, took up her book and opened its crumpled pages to continue reading. She had barely read a couple of lines, however, before something struck her on the cheek.

"Ouch!" She slapped down the book and rubbed the sore cheek, and scowled down at the baby who was guffawing like a music hall comedian. The rattle, the source of Nell's discomfort, had fallen down onto the sofa cushion, and David was waving his pudgy hand at her, clearly demanding its immediate return.

"You're not having it if you're going to throw it," Nell growled at the baby, who took one look at her face and became serious, his eyebrows drawing together and his bottom lip poking out in a picture of wounded misery. He kept this expression up for a moment and, as Nell took up her book again, he opened his mouth and howled.

"Oh God!" Nell was startled into this blasphemy, and quickly clamping her mouth closed on the word she thrust the rattle at the wailing child in a frantic bid to silence him. It worked, and his face resumed its unrumpled aspect as he seized it and inserted the handle into his mouth once more, making contented sucking noises as he chewed on it.

"You're supposed to shake it," observed Nell sourly, and returned her attention to Jeeves. To her pleasant surprise, all was quiet for quite a few minutes, and she was able to chuckle her way through the first chapter uninterrupted. To her consternation, when she glanced guiltily up David was no longer on his crawling rug, but a brief examination of the room revealed he was under the staff table, pulling at the edge of the pretty tablecloth.

"No, David!" Nell got up hastily and retrieved the baby, who was much put out at being deprived of his new toy and complained loudly. Nell, remembering Hilda's words, put him on her knee and gingerly bounced him up and down, but this did not have the effect she had anticipated from Hilda's quiet confidence, and he shouted even more, until Nell feared he would bring Madame down from the senior classroom to demand what on earth she, Nell, was doing to her precious son.

"David, David," she said gently, jiggling the child uncomfortably and mentally cursing Hilda Annersley for landing her with this unpleasant task. She turned the child around so he was facing her and, in the absence of anything else to do, wobbled her head from side to side in a vague attempt to make him laugh.

It didn't have quite the desired effect, but it did stop the wailing, and young master David stared in bemusement at his present captor's strange antics. Then he waved his fists up and down and said,

"Buh!"

"That's right!" exclaimed Nell, relieved. "Who's a good boy, then?"

"Muh!" David announced and, wriggling out of her grip, crawled up and onto her lap. Nell was disconcerted to feel almost touched by this expression of trust and let him clamber up her until he was kneeling on her lap, his fists entangled in her blouse. She stayed like that for a moment, hand resting upon his back to steady him, and then she felt him tugging at her blouse. Startled, she reached down to disengage his hand, for fear that in his enthusiasm he might damage her clothing, but then to her surprise he buried his face into her chest, nuzzling between her breasts and grabbing at her with his baby fists.

Horror filled her as she realised what he wanted and she reached down to lift him away in some alarm, but he was clinging so tightly that she had to set him down again and remove his fists one by one from her blouse. His mouth continued to burrow enthusiastically into her breasts and she shuddered with revulsion as she finally freed herself from his grip and put him down gently onto his crawling rug.

"No, thank you!" she gasped, adjusting her clothing and trying to cool her pink cheeks with her hands. "We'll have none of that here. Honestly, such behaviour from Madame's son!"

David said nothing, merely looked pleased with himself. He held up his arms for another cuddle, but Nell was not falling for that again and haughtily ignored him, picking up her book again. But she was fated not to read any more, for no sooner had she taken her eyes from the baby than he had scuttled off on hands and knees, back under the table to the hanging tassels of the tablecloth which so delighted him. Nell ran after him and pulled him away, and so began a delightful game - every time she let him down he crawled off under the table again, and whenever she picked him up he snuggled up and tried to nurse again. Nell was reduced to playing baby games with him to distract him, making faces and babbling noises at him, which made him shriek with laughter. But every time she thought she had distracted him from his activities he would shoot off again, and eventually she just tucked up the tassels under the tablecloth out of his reach and let him crawl, following him around the room to make sure he didn't hurt himself. Several times she had to pull him away from the hot stove, and twice she had to stop him trying to crawl underneath the sofa, which was just high enough to accommodate his tiny frame, though she was sure he'd never be able to get out again.

"Oh, David!" she exclaimed exhaustedly after ten minutes of this. "Can't you just sit still?"

Much to her relief, however, after another five minutes or so she was sure the baby showed signs of slackening, and finally she saw him yawn, and his thumb go to his mouth. Picking him up, she carried him to the sofa and he lay sleepily against her, not even trying to nurse. She kept a careful eye on him until he fell asleep, then gently she laid him down on the sofa and took one of the big cushions from the back, and placed it on the floor. Laying David down upon this, she watched him carefully for a minute to ensure he didn't awaken, then sat back down upon the sofa with a sigh of relief, kicked back her heels and picked up her book.

*

How long she sat reading, she did not know, but when she looked up the cushion was empty. She leapt to her feet in horror and stared wildly around the staffroom, but David was nowhere to be seen. Frantically she looked behind the sofa, under the table, and then she got down on her hands and knees to search beneath the sofa and the armchairs, even though common sense should have told her that David could not have fitted under those, at least. Then, fear closing around her heart, she stood in the middle of the room and pressed her fists together, thinking about what to do.

"He must be in here," she told herself. "He can't have got out…"

But her voice trailed away as she looked over towards the door, which she had thought Hilda had closed firmly behind her, and saw that it was standing ajar.

"No…"

_Oh my good God, I've lost him!_ was her terrified thought, and she hurtled towards the door in pursuit of the baby.


End file.

Chalet School, Humor