Harry Potter Professor Snape and the Big Wand

**Quick Note: ****Okay, so the official title for this one-shot is Professor Snape and the Big Boner, but seeing as really wouldn't allow that, it has been changed to Professor Snape and the Big Wand. That title will become apparent as you read.**

**Pairing: ****Snape/Lupin**

**Summary: ****Severus Snape is tense and stressed. Whoever could he depend upon to help him relieve the weight on his head? Humour, Wands and Lupin. Need I say more? I suck at summaries!**

**Disclaimer: And of course, nothing belongs to me.**

**If anyone can think of a better Summary for me after reading, it would be greatly appreciated. I do not jest when I say I suck...but so does Remus...;)**

**Notes:**** This is just a one-shot for Snape and Lupin. However, it comes as a part of a fic that I have nearly completed which will be called Can You Handle It? Which will be a Drarry pairing, so if you are interested, add me to Author Alerts, I only have three parts left and then it will be uploaded in all its entirety. If you are going to read Can You Handle It? Or you have already read it and are curious about the significance, see Chapter Four Part One. And to think...this all started with my beta telling me it's a story she'd want to read. Well here you are! This is my contribution! Enjoy!**

It just was just one of those days for Professor Severus Snape. He sighed, bowing his head. He didn't even have to check his timetable to know what was coming next: Gryffindor and Slytherin double Potions. It would be Potter vs. Malfoy all over again. He'd had enough of their bickering to last him a century. Slytherins he could deal with. After all, he was one of them himself. But Gryffindors? Loyal, brave, bold, brash...His thoughts were interrupted by his chamber door flying open, swinging inwards and banging off the stone wall behind it. A flustered looking Remus Lupin stood in the doorway.

"What an earth are you doing in here Sev?" Remus demanded, his hands glued firmly to his hips. "Wallowing in your own misery I bet!" Severus gifted him with a thin lipped smile.

"Actually Lupin I was busy watching you destroy my office. What has my poor door ever done to you?" He teased, smoothing the creases out of his robes. Remus stood there, his eyes locked with Severus'.

"Are you going to stand in my doorway all day or come in?" Severus shook his head. Sometimes the man was so stupid. He added it to his "Gryffindor Traits" list. Remus had the decency to blush before stepping in and closing the door with a soft 'click'. Remus looked around the room and gave an amused smirk.

"Let me guess. Most of the lamps are on dim setting in your office, you have a bottle of Firewhiskey out- and you've drunk a quarter of the bottle and you have your timetable out. This must mean that you have your Gryffindor Slytherin class next." Snape looked up from staring at the wood-grain in his desk to look up at the bold Gryffindor, who gave a triumphant, childish grin.

"Knew it. You're a bloody moper Severus Snape!" Remus threw his hands up in the air, as if to illustrate the point. "Oh the woe!" He cried dramatically, placing his hand over his head. "The Gryffindors! The sheer chivalry between my beloved house and that god-awful one! It's too much to take! I must..." Remus tailed off, promptly grabbing a roll of parchment and stabbing himself in the chest with it, falling onto the rouge chez lounge with a soft thump, his eyes closed.

Severus stared at the man who had just killed himself on his favourite seat. Remus Lupin always had a lithe frame, with hidden muscles beneath the dress shirt which he favoured wearing above anything else. He allowed his eyes to roam slowly down the subject's body, taking in the sheer beauty of it. The trousers he had on were a light brown, matching his eye colour to a tee. They hung low on the waist, not that you'd notice with the shirt on of course. But Severus knew better. He _always _knew better. He knew if he stared any longer, he'd have a problem. He cast a quick Tempus. Twenty minutes until he had to face his worst nightmare. Surely they wouldn't mind if he were a little late...or maybe not.

Quickly, he stood and took huge strides over to where the limp body hung over his chez. He rolled his eyes, before he realized that Remus had his eyes closed. He huffed his best imitation of a sarcastic tone.

"Oh dear. There appears to be a corpse on my chez. Whatever shall I do with it? I could always bring it down to Filch's office, although I'm sure he's pretty busy with that Umbridge woman at the moment." He paused as the body on the chez shuddered. He allowed a malicious grin to spread across his face. "Or maybe if this corpse is lucky, I'll take it to Hagrid's Hut. Just think of the things that Hagrid could do with a body as gorge-" Snape's semi-serious drawl was cut short by a pair of hands pulling him down onto the chez. Remus Lupin was very much awake. Severus smirked. Remus cracked an eye open, squinting up at the Potion's Professor against the light that was blaring brightly from above him.

"You are a very cruel man Severus Snape." Remus said simply, fisting Severus' shirt instead of his robes now that he had a hold of him: he knew that Severus hated his robes creased. Severus suppressed a moan. If there was one thing that could melt his cold, hard exterior it was...

"Feeling up corpses. I'm sure there's a law against it. Ah, yes! It's called Necrophilia!" Snape jested, although, deep down inside him, he didn't need to be joking. He needed to be occupying his hands in some crude fashion. Remus smiled.

"I'm sure you've noticed that my body is far from dead right now." Remus said, pulling Severus even closer, rubbing their groins together. Both shared a quiet moan as he felt just how alive Remus' body was. Severus dipped his head into Remus' neck, enjoying the musky smell that was Lupin.

"Mmm...very much alive." He mumbled into Remus' neck, pressing his lips against the pulse point. He felt the pulse jump erratically as he kissed it tenderly, swiping his tongue out on occasion. Remus gasped at the sensations that he was feeling, unable to grasp onto reality. That was until he remembered what he had come here to do. Suddenly, Severus' world was flipped upside down. Literally. He found himself on his back on the chez lounge, with Remus pushing him down into a cushion, straddling his strong waist.

"You always take care of me. Now it's my turn to take care of you."Remus uttered, lowering his mouth slowly to Severus'. He lightly brushed his lips against his partners, caressing those sweet lips of which he craved constantly. A forbidden blush spread up Severus' neck, something that he saved for Remus, as he swiped his tongue on Remus' lips, begging for entrance. He let a groan slide from deep within when he was granted access to the dark, delicious depths that made him oh so hot. Engaging in a furious battle for dominance, he locked lips with Remus and allowed himself to wander freely around his lover's mouth. He felt Remus' fingers undo the buttons on his shirt, and he knew he had to attempt to occupy his mind with something else, lest he let the beast take over completely. If he had to give Remus Lupin a flavour it would be chocolate. Devilishly creamy, smooth, supple, strong, sense-melting, tongue tingling deliciousness. All wrapped up in a cover of crinkled velvet, for added luxury. They separated, panting heavily, as if they had both ran a marathon.

Never hesitating, Remus moved his lips down, leaving a scorching trail along Severus' exposed chest, feeling the quickened heart beat, sensing the blood rushing through his tainted lovers' veins and tasting every piece of heaven as he travelled further down, towards his target. He knew what would get Severus' cold heart pumping.

Severus stared up at the ceiling, his breathing ragged and laboured as he tried to pant his way through his obvious arousal. He closed his eyes as Remus slowly tortured him with blazing kisses on his chest and, when Remus returned his attentions to his nipple, he reeled from the sensation of the wet muscle teasing him relentlessly.

A moan slipped past his lips as he felt Remus' tongue leave his chest and swirl agilely down to his hipbone, circling it with one huge sweep, causing a shudder to rack Severus' body. When he felt Remus' lips leave his body, he groaned and then looked down through half lidded eyes and met with Remus eyes, his hooded through arousal, but questioning. Asking permission. With a sigh, Severus pushing his hips up to answer him: if he spoke now he would sound like the Potter child- a blithering idiot. Remus' eyes held amusement for mere seconds before he lowered his gaze back down to continue his ministrations.

Severus led back again: staring at the ceiling was becoming habit for him apparently. He led there in a state of utter bliss and slight shock. After all the times that he had made love to Remus, he had never asked for anything in return. He could give love, sure. But receiving it? That was a different matter altogether. As he felt Remus' teeth latch on to his zipper, though, he couldn't think of a more thorough or more giving person than Remus Lupin. Gryffindor or not, he was his companion, his soul mate, his other half. His everything. He couldn't remember the last time that someone had made love to _him. _His thoughts were, yet again, interrupted as he became completely distracted, pushing his thoughts off the edge of a very very high cliff.

Feeling his silk boxers sliding down, he blushed a deep crimson red. Suddenly, his brain exploded with pleasure as he felt Remus' tongue torment his swollen shaft with light, gentle strokes. His mind was reeling from the sensation of being touched there. He lived for the touch, ached into it, ached for it, and needed it as though it was his last lifeline. He craved it in a way that was foreign yet indefinable. Letting out keening moans had not on top Severus' priority list recently, but now it was.

"Please...Merlin Lupin! You...argh...Don't stop!" He panted, struggling to form a sentence. Severus had never felt so happily helpless in all his life. Severus growled and cupped Remus' head in his hands and savoured the feel of his tongue rendering him helpless. Severus bucked beneath Remus' mouth, needed, no, _wanting _more. He needed to feel more of his warmth. He just needed more.

"Remus I'm so close...Merlin...I'm...going to come...one more..." Severus begged. Remus starting to comply, until...

A knock on the door interrupted them both, and they sat bolt upright together. Panic set in. Who would dare to knock on Severus Snape's door while he was clearly busy doing paperwork...or something?

"Severus, I've just let your students in. They're been standing in the corridor for ten minutes no less!" Minerva McGonagall's voice boomed through the doorway. "See to it that you let your students in on time and perhaps some of them will live another year!" She stated, banging her fist angrily on the door and leaving the Potions classroom.

Snape peeked at the clock. She was right. He was ten minutes late. For double Potions with the Slytherins and Gryffindors. He sighed. How come it was always the Slytherins and the Gryffindors that interrupted the best things in his life? Remus clasped a hand to his mouth to stop him from laughing out loud at the look of outrage on the Potions Master's face. Another thing he had learned about his lover: he hated to be interrupted. In fact, he hated a lot of things, except Remus of course.

Arranging his robes in an orderly fashion- orderly _not _being underwear around ankles and shirt undone- Severus leant in and brushed his lips against Remus'. He felt a smile beneath his lips.

"Go to teach your horrific subject you big softie" Remus chuckled, ushering him towards the door. Before flinging himself into battle, he cast a look of longing back at Remus.

"Will you be-"

"Of course I'll be here when you get back. _Someone _needs to calm you down after being thrown into the den of lions and a pit of snakes." Remus said fondly, much to the chagrin of Severus. He gave him a smile. "Go!" He said, making sweeping movements with his hands towards the door. Severus shut the door, and Remus sank into the chez, an amused expression playing on his usually playful features.

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Severus Snape swept into the room from his office, looking very grumpy indeed. He may have been late, but he certainly wasn't going to apologize for it. The class looked at him expectantly. He snorted. Definitely not. Draco Malfoy raised his hand. Severus gestured for him to speak with a slight nod of his head. Draco cleared his throat.

"So...what are we going to be learning about today sir?" He asked, with a sly grin on his face. Severus appraised him cautiously. What would the Malfoy Heir be doing with a sly grin this late in the day? He glanced quickly over to the other side of the room, to see an empty seat. He allowed himself a smirk. No Potter. That must be why. He agreed with the young Malfoy.

"Today, Mr Malfoy, we will be revising the Wolfsbane potion because, should the need ever arise, it can take a long to brew without experience and inexperience is, of course, a deadly thing in Potions." He finished, locking gazes with Draco. Draco whipped a hand up to cover a laugh, but ended up nearly choking, so he just went ahead and laughed. Severus felt anger bubble in the pit of his stomach.

"And _WHAT _is it that you find so funny Mr Malfoy? Need I remind you that I may be your Head of House, but I can also deduct points as I see fit?" He growled, not in the mood for any games. Suddenly, more students started laughing, and Severus stood there in outrage. What on earth was happening to his students? Seamus Finnegan piped up.

"Sir? Just how long is your wand? Is it always this ready? I can see it from here!" He snorted from the back of the classroom, and half the class fell into paroxysms of giggles: the other half just looked plain nauseous.

"Finnegan! I always have my wand ready for your information and its five and a half inches of the finest holly and tail feather but that is none of your business!" He yelled, banging his fists on the table. This just made the class laugh even more. Severus rounded on Draco.

"Do you see what you've started now?" What have you done?" He demanded to know. Draco gave him an amused smirk and gladly obliged.

"I haven't done anything sir, but clearly you have." He let his eyes wander down Severus' body and Severus let his own eyes wander down. They flew wide open in shock.

"When Finnegan asked you how long your wand was and he said he could see it from where he is sat...he meant it quite literally sir." Draco coughed, trying to hide a laugh. " I'd take it as a compliment myself." He managed, before bursting into laughter again.

Severus was horrified. He'd adjusted his robes and pulled his pants up but...not bothered to hide the clear erection that was protruding from underneath his black cloak, commandeering its own space and demanding to be known to his Slytherin Gryffindor class. Severus could only think of one word to summarise his feelings. And he bellowed it for all to hear.

"LUPIN!"

~le fin~


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor, Romance