Harry Potter Ignoring the Obvious for Dummies

**A Oneshot! Who am I to not try? This is the first time I do something like this, so expect it to be short and almost certainly full of mistakes, but it's something I also like to read here on Fanfiction. net, so please, teach me how to do a good one, If you feel the need to give me pointers about how to write good One-shots, Parodies and Crackfics please do in the reviews or through Pms, just be gentle, I am a sensible boy.**

**Oneshots are so funny if done properly, after all. ^ ^**

" **Alohomora****"** – spells/Parseltongue

"Let's finish this" - dialogue

" _Can it get any worse? _" - during flashback/ Creatures - thoughts/Legilimency

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any other part of the franchise...otherwise the last two books would have been TOTALLY different nor I get money for this.**

**Oneshot: Ignore the Obvious for Dummies.**

_**Little challenge: What Clichés did I use and how many times each one appear here? Tell me in the reviews ^ ^.**_

**Godric's Hollow – near Potter Manor – Halloween Night - **

In a cold night of November a lone figure slithered out of the shadows, marching with determined steps towards what appeared to be an empty patch of earth far away from the other houses of the near village, the robed figure calmly taking his time to reach his target and had to actually restrain himself from humming a little tone as he walked, taking in ample breaths of the cold night as to 'absorb' whatever spiritual energy Halloween nights always seemed to exude.

As he walked though, slowly an ample manor started coming into being in front of him, as if emerging from an invisible mist that had up until that moment covered it from any prying eyes with evil intentions, namely the robed figure that was approaching in that moment.

Stopping at few inches from the wards protecting the house, Lord Voldemort, DARKEST WIZARD EVER as his faithful followers Crabble and Goyle had more than once said to describe his majestic persona, moved his calculating gaze on himself, checking that his appearances were indeed as terror-inducing as he hoped them to be.

"I am impressed, Wormtail indeed managed to be elected as the Secret Keeper for the Potters...it seems that Lucius will be forced to pay Severus the sickles for their bet after all," the Dark Lord muttered with an amused tone, his red eyes and nose-less face twisted in a maniacal grin.

Running thorough his mental checklist to see if he was ready to attack he let out a long breath, thankful that Peter had already took care of the House-elves before leaving so to not have the small creatures take away those brats.

"Let's go deal with this so called 'Chosen One', and I hope that everyone of the three brats the Potters had to give birth to are all here since Wormtail couldn't give me a proper answer...a boy and a set of twins...couldn't they have had just one children and stop? At least like that this whole Prophecy Deal would have been easier, I don't even have the whole thing and with my luck some key detail to recognize _The_ _Hero_ is in the part Severus failed to hear, what an imbecilic fool," Voldemort said with a low sigh, dusting his black robe in Acromantula Silk and rising his wand to take down the manor's protections.

With a sound similar to glass breaking the wards went blasted into tiny fragments in a multi-colored shower of sparks, thing that was the favorite part of any attack the Dark Lord had made with his trusted Death Eaters due to the colorful and always different light-show it provided depending on which wards were used to protect the various targets.

"IT'S HIM! Take the children upstairs, Lily!" the Dark Wizard could hear James Potter yell from outside.

"_Here we go, let's see which 'threats' he will make, knowing Albus and his circle, it will be an oh-so-cliché speech about justice and everything good_," Voldemort thought with a not-so-little quantity of disappointment, preparing himself for the umpteenth heroic speech from his victim of the week.

"Give me the children and I may be generous enough to spare both you and the muggle-born woman!" he said with his best mellifluous voice, making the door explode with a flick of his wand.

"NEVER! The forces of Evil will never triumph!" James said with a determined expression, unknowing to him his words had just fell on deaf ears as the hooded robe was covering Voldemort's bored expression.

"Thirty..." the Dark Lord muttered with a sigh and a little drop of his head.

"What?" James asked, curious even in that tense moment.

"I decided to count how many times I hear from you 'Light Warriors' the same words, threats and promises," he answered uncaring.

"Well...I will still stop you even if it will cost my life! And if not me, the other members of the Order will stop you!" the other retaliated.

"Sixty-five for the first and twenty-three for that '_the others will stop you_', can you be more original, please?" Voldemort demanded, the seriousness of his voice surprising the Head of the Potter family quite a lot.

"Ehm...eeh..." it may have been the rather strange moment, but for the first time James was at lost about what to say.

"I will...kick your ass?" he tried saying, uncertain.

"_Sigh!_ Fifteen," the Dark Lord said with a sigh, was that so difficult to use some original threat?

"DAMN YOU!" James bellowed launching a barrage of **Stunners** towards the robe wizard.

"**Protego, Protego, Accio chair, Protego, Accio Horrid Painting,**" with a bored voice Voldemort moved through several shielding spells, alternating them with few summoning to use improvised shields to defend himself, watching with pleasure as the painting of Jasmine Potter cursed up a storm for being used as an impromptu shield in a battle between Good and Evil.

"THAT WAS MY AUNT!" James bellowed in anger.

"Oh, shut it! She was an hag and I too can see that from the painting alone!" the Dark Lord answered, using the momentary distraction to hit the old Potter with a **Blasting hex **that managed to send him through several walls before embedding his body in the kitchen wall unconscious.

"Uhm, that should have killed him, but, just to be sure, **Avada...**" Voldemort muttered rising his wand again before a cry of **Reducto** did not reduce the wall near him to dust.

"I had just finished cleaning there, you know? I purposely don't let the House-elves clean the kitchen because I have MY method to do that, and I don't want people messing with that!" Lily said with narrowed eyes.

"And your husband?" the man asked with an unseen raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, don't touch him either, he still has to paint the fence," she answered.

"Women," the Dark Lord muttered as he started launching cutting hexes in waves towards her.

Showing that giving birth had not diminished her agility, Lily rolled behind the couch for protection, hastily adding more shields around it for good measure.

"For Merlin's sake, woman! I just want to kill those brats! It will just take a minute!" Voldemort said with an annoyed voice as a well-placed **Bombarda** disintegrated the couch.

"NEVER! I did not went through eleven hours of labor just to let you kill them like that!" the woman yelled with inhuman fury as she too started using cutting hexes to fight.

"At least you understand how to fight properly," the Dark Lord commented as he 'swatted away' her spells with his, both projectiles of light meeting half-way in mini-explosions.

"The others will be here soon! I gave the alarm the moment James asked me to take the children to safety! I am not so stupid to think I will be able to defeat you alone," Lily yelled as she moved her wand with an ample swipe, making a near arm-chair shot towards Voldemort at high speed.

"Damn it!" the Dark Lord cursed as the sound of various apparitions echoed from outside.

"This is what happen when I let myself enjoy a fight," he muttered as he unleashed a long whip of dark fire towards Lily, forcing her to dive towards the kitchen, the rubbles of yet another wall exploding covering her, leaving the woman unable to move.

"LILY! JAMES!" Sirius Black's voice came from the garden of the house, apparently Wormtail failed in distracting both he and the werewolf Voldemort thought in dismay.

"I hate to leave people alive after an attack, but I have not time to waste," the Dark Lord said hurrying towards where the rat-animagus indicated being the children's room.

He knew that had he stopped to kill those men he would have lost valuable time, giving to someone else time to take the children away, this not considering that Dumbledore was probably there as well and he didn't want to deal with the old man yet.

Rapidly removing the various defenses on the bedroom's door, some of which were rather vicious so probably put there by Lily_ 'Mama Bear' _Potter, he entered the small area, leaving behind a strong barrier on both door and stairs so to stop the others from interfering.

"Now, which one of you is the Chosen One?" he asked rhetorically as the one year old boy with raven hair stared at him with a curious expression while his two red-haired siblings were wailing uncontrollably.

"Well, just to be sure, I'll kill all three then," Voldemort said with a shrug, rising his wand towards the dark haired one that now was strangely smiling.

"Tch! Smile on this, **Avada Kedavra!**" The Dark Lord called out with a sneer, watching as the green spell left his wand.

What surprised him was what happened immediately after as the baby he tried to kill simply dropped down to sit on the floor leaving the Killing Curse sail right above his tiny head and against the mirror he was standing in front of.

"_That little bastard..._" Voldemort thought with a mixture of anger and yet pride as the green spell was reflected back at him with the mirror exploding in the meantime, sending a big magic-covered shard towards the ass of the boy's sister, leaving a deep cut on her left ass-cheek and subsequently a scar that will never disappear.

Unable to defend himself in time the Dark Lord was hit with his own Killing Curse that launched him back, his soul-splitting method of Immortality turning his body so frail it just turned to dust as his own magic exploded around him.

Meanwhile he was flying back, his disintegrating body and uncontrolled magic permitted to his custom-made dragon-hide boots to fly forward with the left one impacting with the other toddler's head, leaving a clear imprint of '_Voldemort'_ on his red-haired forehead, the pure unadulterated magic permeating the boot making the word everlasting and impossible to remove no matter who or what tried.

Bellatrix Lestrange will be soo pissed at hearing that the boots she had personally commissioned and gifted to him had been lost, he just knew that.

Another thing that the Dark Lord had not anticipated, and had not noticed as he was in that moment using several profanities in the various languages he knew to berate himself for the stupid way he had been defeated, was that the destruction of his body had also given the finishing blow to his already unstable soul, making a tiny fragment of it travel towards the raven-haired boy since he was the target of the Dark Lord's evil intent, leaving on the boy's forehead a scar in the shape of a lightning bolt, the boy just fell forward face-first on the floor unconscious in magic exhaustion from 'trapping' the soul fragment in the scar itself.

While still reduced in a tiny swirl of smoke, Voldemort decided to see what was happening since apparently the oldest children was the one that one day will defeat him since his attack on him was what 'activated' the Prophecy, his anger turning to surprise once Albus entered the room once blasting away the last barrier the Dark Lord had summoned on the door.

"Maximus! Joanne!" James yelled in worry as he moved to heal the wound on the girl's ass

"Harry!" Lily yelled, checking the raven-haired boy for possible wounds and dismissing the tiny scar on the forehead, even if that wasn't there before.

"Those are Voldemort's clothes and ashes...the kids must have defeated him! Maximus and Joanne saved us all!" Albus said ecstatic.

"_Who? What? Where...Duh?"_ the spirit of the Dark Lord thought in confusion.

"Are you sure, Albus?" James asked.

"The Prophecy talks about a mysterious power the Dark Lord knows not, used by someone he would 'mark' as his equal, surely the power is the bond of the twins, they must have combined their magic to destroy him, and look! Maximus has Voldemort's name on his forehead!" the old man answered with his eyes twinkling like two mini-suns.

"And Joanne?" Lily asked uncertain, Harry soundly asleep in her arms.

"Her backside, she has a very peculiar scar, if you move your head to the side, squint your eyes almost to the point of closing them, hold your breath in while spinning on yourself fourtimes and then take three steps and an half back, it almost looks like a snake positioned like an inverted "S", surely to mean "Slytherin" that was Voldemort's House at Hogwarts or 'Savior of the Wizard-kind', it's as clear as the sun shine, my dear," Albus replied as if it was the easiest thing in the world.

Astonishment, utter astonishment filled the Dark Lord at hearing those words, he almost didn't hear the old Headmaster of Hogwarts proclaim the two kids '_The-Twins-Who-Lived_' and Heroes of War while he was still trying to wrap his head around what had just happened.

The boy had killed him with a mirror (making that famous '_Power he knew not_' being '_acting like an utter bastard' _no less since he apparently did not know how to deal with one) and gained a mark from Voldemort's attempt to his life as a result, and yet, the so called Leader of the Light had misinterpreted the 'signs' as he called them proclaiming the two snot-nosed brats Heroes for something they didn't take part to even by mistake.

He was grateful he could hold back his laughter until far away from the house, since he knew how Albus and the rest of the Wizarding World's mind worked he was certain that the twins will be covered in glory once the news circulated enough while the oldest son, Harry, will be ignored even if the real Chose One.

And there was only ONE house at Hogwarts that collected every kid with ambitions that also had enough common sense to try and fulfill said ambitions and survive without calling on themselves too much attention, especially with famous siblings that will suck-up every attention from their parents and the Wizarding World as a whole, making them resentful and bitter to be so much ignored.

That in turn will make them easy to tempt by the deep abyss of the Dark Arts of course.

Oh yes, Voldemort will have to tell Severus to keep an eye on Harry Potter once he will be sorted into Slytherin, the boy had a mean streak already at one year of age that with the proper 'nurturing' being in the perpetual shadow of his siblings will grow into something wonderful.

Why killing your enemy when you can just have him join you? His dear Spy in the Order of the Phoenix will give to the boy enough pointers and guide him into being a proper candidate for a place in his Inner Circle, he was sure of that.

"TO MAXIMUS AND JOANNE POTTER! _THE-TWINS-WHO-LIVED!_" would be a recurring theme in the constant parties that will be held by every wizard after Voldemort's defeat.

No one will know that at that yell the Dark Lord will answer with a thundering laugh of entertainment.

**Several years later – Hogwarts – Great Hall – opening fest - **

Severus Prince Snape was many things, a Spy, a Potion Master, an arsehole of the greatest degree by his own admission, three times winner of "Great Britain Best Sneer" Contest and Head of Slytherin House, but what he was not was certainly an idiot.

At first, when the late Dark Lord had Wormtail order him to watch over Harry Potter once sorted in his house, he was pretty incensed at having James' spawn polluting Slytherin, but then, once the hook-nosed man had delved into that Halloween night deep enough he too understood that it was Harry the one the Prophecy talked about so he slowly started calming down and softened a little to the boy.

He had understood that they boy was of course going to be put in his House since the 'Idiots-who-lived', as he personally called Harry's siblings, would have been doted on excessively leaving the other to the side, but he had his own reasons to have the true Chosen One as his ally.

It was also his new guilty pleasure the memory of how James had whined, yelled and cursed after hearing that his son had been sorted in the house of snakes, going on and on about the injustice of that and going so far as to threaten the Sorting Hat to have the boy re-sorted, into Gryffindor of course.

Since the Hat steadfastly refused to put the boy in an house he did not belong to, Snape will later discover that Harry too had threatened the Hat about keeping him away from Gryffindor since he knew it would have been the probable future house of the Twins, the marauder decided to wear the Hat to use more crude epithets to back-up his demands.

The answer was the Sorting Hat reading his mind and telling everyone the man's darkest secrets and erotic fantasies, most of which did not include Lily all for the woman's ire, leaving a madly blushing Potter silently sitting in a corner in shame.

That humiliating of James had become Severus' new Patronus memory that he decided to also treasure in his Pensieve in case of depression, the man had apparently forgot that the Hat had a deep dislike for Bossy people, as it was also demonstrated with the Granger girl that had just being sorted into Ravenclaw, and by the furious shrieking and growling as she was being dragged to her table the girl had just tried to force the thing to put her in Gryffindor because it used to be Albus' house when he was a student.

The Hat had part of Helga Hufflepuff's personality inside as well as the other founders, and the woman was 'famous' for being vengeful when someone acted bossy with her so the thing was not different.

"Joanne Elisabeth Morgana Alexandra Magicka Potter!" McGonagal called out, making the Hall fell into silence as the girl walked towards the stool with an air of self-importance that had Severus' stomach lurch painfully, he was also surprised to see that she had casually left an hole in her robes big enough to show her 'famous' scar on her backside.

"They gave her the Queen's name and Morgana's to make her look even more important, surely James trying to inflate his own ego," Snape muttered with a sneer, calmly ignoring Pomona's glare at his words.

"_GRYFFINDOR!_" the Hat yelled, making the red-and-gold table erupt into a thunderous applause at having one of the two '_Saviors'_ between them.

"Figures, foolishness and idiocy, where else would that girl go," the Potion Master muttered, this time ignoring Filius' knee hitting his in an attempt to stop the man from commenting.

Once again ignoring everything he focused on HIS pet project, he knew the Dark Lord wanted the boy to join the Death Eaters, but Severus had other plans in mind requesting the boy to destroy the evil wizard, like gaining freedom from both Leaders of Light and Dark for example or being finally free to leave the school and those brats once and for all behind him and focusing on his researches alone.

Magical Britain needed better Cosmetic Products and he would be damned if he would leave those retrograde idiots steam in their ignorance, just look at Lucius! If it wasn't for Snape's products the man would look like the ass of a Thestral after a fit of diarrhea! Severus' own greasy hair were a testament of his experiments, he was cursed with _Prince Family's Greasy Hair Curse_ and wanted to defeat it!

"Maximus Alexander Merlin Ceasar Potter!" he heard Minerva call, making Snape choke down a laugh at the sheer idiocy of using the name of a conqueror and the greatest wizard ever for a chubby boy that didn't seem to ever have had exercise in his life, at least he was wearing a bandanna on his head to cover the Dark Lord' name, probably to not scare whoever looked at him.

"_Gryffindor!_" the Hat said, making said table once again roar in approval.

**Later that night – Slytherin Dorms – Severus' office - **

The Potion Master was giving the last touch to some disgustingly-made essays of few sixth year Hufflepuffs when a knock was heard from the door of his office.

"Did you want to see me, sir?" Harry asked entering, an empty expression on his face.

"Sit, Harry," Snape answered without lifting his eyes from the papers he was checking, gesturing with his hand to the empty seat in front of him.

He never used 'Potter' when alone with the second-year boy so to stop his own dislike for that Name from surfacing and cloud his judgment.

"Thank you, sir," the boy answered, sitting down in silence and looking directly at him.

"I take that your parents were awfully happy for this year's Sorting," Severus said casually after few minutes of silence, writing a last "T" on a rather nasty essay and finishing his work.

"How did you know that? Is that so evident?" Harry answered with a sneer, finally abandoning the emotionless mask he had on with that bitterly sarcastic remark.

"Sarcasm is unwelcome, Harry...I fear that you were the only one to inherit some brain from the Evans part of your blood and had not being 'contaminated' by James' idiocy like Lily unfortunately had, so please stop trying to fall into Potter Territory," Snape answered with a small nod.

"Bah! We both know that I am the one that killed the Dark Lord and he knows that too, apparently whoever fight for the Light has this ability to miss the obvious like the fact that my scar still gives off Dark Magic when tested while the so called 'twins-who-lived' are just scarred by collateral damage," the boy answered with a shrug.

"That is also right, my orders should be keeping tabs on the Order of the Phoenix and teach you how to become part of the Inner Circle of the Death Eaters once he will somehow return," Severus said.

"But me and you have better plans, you want your freedom from the Goat Shagger and the Dark Dork while I want freedom from my family, their money and that nice Villa in the Potter Island in the Caribbean sea," Harry answered.

"You still didn't tell me why you want that," Snape asked with just an hint of curiosity in his voice.

"I never went there since my parents used that place to train the twins away from the paparazzi and was not big enough for five people, the alternative would be become a Dark Lord myself, but then I would be forced to deal with Dumbledore and his precious 'golden twins'...any idea, sir?" he answered.

"The problem is that if YOU defeat the Dark Lord then everyone will know that you are the real Chosen One, making everyone's attention shift on you, this not considering the fact that the two idiots of your siblings will then focus their jealousy on you for stealing THEIR fame," Severus added with a sneer.

"Exactly, luckily the Goblins were happy to bend over backwards to help me with the hidden legal trap that will make me succeed, I was kinda surprised to see them act like that," Harry said.

"Yes, some may expect them to be nasty creatures with cut-throat tendencies, and yet with you they are all helpful without any reason backing it up," Snape said with a nod.

"Changing subject, sir...What's this thing about a most painful death if someone enters the third floor by the way?" the boy asked.

"Apparently we are guarding something for a friend of Albus," Snape answered casually.

"The same thing that someone tried to steal from the goblins?" the boy asked back.

"Precisely, Mister Flamel would have been angry had they managed," the Potion Master replied off-handedly.

"...A Philosopher Stone then? Pretty important stuff," Harry said after a little thought.

"Are you planning something perhaps?" Severus asked with a momentary up-ward jerking of the corners of his mouth.

"People like to talk, professor, same goes for my parents; when they don't abuse me, send me to the Dursley family so THEY could abuse me with whips, kicks, punches and other bruises that somehow Pomfrey never see, make me work in the family's coal mine or force-feed me garbage they still like to tell everyone about how proud of the twins they are. I admit that up until some time ago I was a little jealous of their fame while dad was hitting me with the rusty crowbar, but in the end I found myself enjoying getting ignored by the journalists, so I MIGHT try to take that Stone so to have an extra source of income while I run away," the boy answered.

"Coal mine?" the man asked.

"Dad's latest project, he says that since I am not famous or 'perfect' like the Twins I should earn my stay at home, still don't know what we will do with all that coal though," Harry answered with a shrug.

"Does Lily still forgets to let you in the house? Last time you told me, you had to sleep outside,"

"Nah, after the fifth time the house-elves learned to let me in themselves,"

"Your mother was such a bright mind...does she still whip you, by the way?"

"Not much after she pulled a muscle, now she has the House Elves do that...is kinda strange to hear them say things like '_Young master Harry Potter is a bad boy _SLAP! _Sorry young master...Young master Harry Potter is a bad boy _SLAP! _Sorry young master...' _and so on until mum tells them to stop, but you know how those things happen, she has just 'tasted' what the Wizarding World's fame tastes like and liked it," Harry answered with an uncaring wave of his hand.

"Aaah, yes! The herd of _sheeple _that forms the Wizarding World, what a glorious public for your brothers and parents' over-sized ego, hated one day and worshiped the other, I can see what you mean," Snape said with nod.

"Yeah, those two may be famous and all, but it only takes someone like Rita Skeeter to turn everyone's Love into Hate, try to imagine what will happen when the truth about that night will come out, those two will be called 'Liars' and Dumbledore a 'Fool' for not recognizing the real Hero, but I will already be away when the dung-bomb will go off," the boy answered with an evil smirk.

"Interesting, you want to discredit everyone before disappearing, leaving everyone to deal with the downfall, interesting," Snape answered with a pleasured nod.

"Thank you, sir, I am not an uber genius that acts more mature than a twelve-year-old boy should for nothing," the boy said with a smile.

"Just remember to also destroy the Dark Lord, without people knowing before the reveal of course," the man said.

"Of course, professor" the other said with a nod.

"Now go, we will revise your plan in the next few days," Severus ordered.

"Yes, sir, but...just because I am curious, what kind of protection had been used on the Stone?" Harry asked casually.

"That would be telling, Potter," Snape said smirking.

"Fine to me, I will discover them myself," Harry answered.

"Just remember, you are a Slytherin, we are cunning people and slimy bastards, not reckless fools," the professor said.

"Unless we come from inbreeding, then we are utter idiots, I'll remember that, sir," the boy answered.

"Ah! Pay attention to Granger and Weasley, those two are Albus' little spies, the red-head has to keep your brother and sister in the Light Side while the bushy head has to supply those two idiots with a solution to every 'Trial' the Headmaster will face them with," Snape said.

"Granger? Isn't she a muggleborn?" Harry asked curious.

"Yes she is, but she is needed as a "moral pet" for those twins and will in the future add "sexual tension" between herself and your brother, she is pretty intelligent, but Albus has already planned few occasions where she will look like even more smart, she will be his safeguard in case his precious "Twins-Who-Lived" have problems," the Potion Master answered with a sneer.

"Like with the protections around the Stone?" the boy asked with a smirk.

"I would suspect that, yes..." the man said with a pleasured nod.

"And Weasley? He seems like a jealous prat that overeats and can't care about no-one but himself," Harry asked

"Probably to also keep those two humble with constant arguing with Granger and small acts of betrayal, hoping to keep the two on a tight leash with the fear of losing his friendship," Snape answered.

"Keep those two humble? It's an exercise in futility then," Harry said with a nod.

"Precisely, now move along, I still have a lot of work to do," Snape said, dismissing the boy with a wave of his hand towards the door.

"Of course, sir," Harry said, leaving the room with a small bow of his head.

"And remember to train your wandless magic and multiple animagus forms, the dragon one still limps when walking," Snape added.

"It's kinda hard to guide all those muscles, professor," the boy said with a sigh.

"No excuses, and stop using your _Bankai_ to scare the first years, those muggleborn don't like watching people carrying around ballistic missiles strapped to their arms, I am tired of obliviating them," the Potion Master added.

"But it's funny!" the boy said with a whine.

"Stop this nonsense or I'll confiscate your Flame Regalia, that keyblade you somehow brought inside the school and yellow rat you carry in that red-and-white ball," Snape said with a stern glare.

"NO! Pikachu no! He is a good boy! He never bothers anyone!" Harry said with wide eyes.

"He still leaves around electrified excrements! I am tired of hearing Filch moan about his cat getting electrocuted from that!" the professor said with an angry scream.

"Can I at least ask to the Goblins to transplant..."

"NO! For the last time, you won't do that! The doctors said that you should wait to be at least in your fifth year before transplanting those Japanese Magical Eyes you found in Knocturn Alley!" Snape answered, slamming his fist on his desk.

"But...but they are so cool! One is red with a strange black star in the middle while the other is purple with concentric circles around the pupil! That shopkeeper said that they are powerful!" Harry said with a childish whine.

"ENOUGH! Go out before I put you in detention, another word and I'll make you wash Hagrid's underwear every night until you are twenty!" Snape said, glaring at the boy.

"Good night, professor..." Harry said, head down and defeated voice while leaving the office.

"I know I am being hard on him, but we can't risk everything just because he is young," Snape muttered to himself, shaking his head in sadness as he left the office for his bed.

**A month Later – Third Floor – Cerberus Chamber - **

A grumbling Harry had just swatted away the three-headed dog with a wave of his hand, moaning about his twins getting a place in the Gryffindor Quidditch Team instead of a punishment.

"They steal Longbottom's remembrall to play Quidditch after he and Hooch had left for the Infirmary and what happen? They get off Scot-free and get rewarded with two Nimbus Two-thousand and a role as Seeker and Keeper in the Quidditch Team...and they say that Professor Snape is biased! hypocrites, all of them!" the boy said, using his magic to create an ethereal huge arm to grab the Cerberus and slam it against the wall, knocking it unconscious.

"When Merlin appeared in my dreams to teach me Magic since I am both his re-incarnation and his heir he told me to never let my emotions influence my power, but for the love of Morgana, people here are doing their best at making me angry," he then said, glaring at the trap-door on the floor.

"HEY! I am the Heir of the Four Founders of the bloody School as well of Merlin, King Arthur, Morgana, Gandalf, Doctor Strange, Mickey Mouse, three of the Beatles, one of the Rolling Stones, seven different Goblins and of the cousin of the brother of the niece of the hair-stylist of John Lennon's neighbor! Can I have a ladder or I do have to summon **Meteor** like my past-life-thingy Sephirot once again to get some attention here?!" Harry yelled at the ceiling with a deep frown on his face.

"**Sorry, sorry! I wasn't looking! I'll take care of that immediately!**" the School itself answered with a sheepish tone, a long ladder immediately appeared in the hole of the trapdoor.

"Good, thank you and sorry if I yelled, I am not exactly in a good mood," he said with a nod.

"**No problem, pay attention down there, the Devil's Snare Sprout used is in a bad mood too,**" the School answered, falling silent immediately after.

Once down in the middle of the plant, the new defense sprang into action, coiling roots and branches around the young second year student.

"Now...how to pass this?" he muttered, rapidly thinking what of his four hundred and thirty seven different animagus forms would be most useful.

"The Chihuahua one is good only to woo girls...bah! I'll go for a classic then, that usually works just fine," Harry said with a bored sigh, turning into an huge two-headed black phoenix to burn the Devil's Snare to bits, but leaving a small branch back so to grow the plant back when he will leave.

No risk at having the old fucker know what happened.

Once reached the next room, he could see a lone door and several winged keys fly around it, sighing the boy started hovering from the floor, moaning about wasting time in useless games.

"I still say that flying by yourself is more funny than any broom," Harry muttered while zooming between keys to find the right one.

The next defense was an huge chessboard, clearly McGonagall's doing since the various pieces were wearing kilts and the King had a bagpipe in his hands.

"A chessboard? What idiot defense is that? Whatever, make room, I am coming through!" Harry said taking out his wand.

Thirteen inches, mahogany, gold and platinum with the tip made in Uranium, core of Dragon heartstrings, phoenix feather, unicorn tears and one hair of Elton John.

With a wide wave of wonderful wand of wonders a whirlwind of awesomeness (that losers calls Magic because unable to understand the sheer coolness of Harry's power) moved towards the chessboard that was then slammed on the ceiling and kept there by the invisible, and yet awesome, magic of the boy that then calmly walked under it to reach the next room, guarded by a Troll in what could be described as "Homicidal Rage State" and armed with an huge metal club with spikes on it and burning in the flames of Hell itself.

Ten minutes later Harry resurfaced from that room while dusting his hands, behind him the broken body of the Troll sobbing uncontrollably on the floor with his four limbs mauled, two black eyes and his club shoved up his arse, the boy muttering about "pansy Trolls that can't take a beating without crying like a bitch".

Snape's defense was a joke as he was uber smart and just took one point three seconds to understand what was the right potion.

The Mirror of Erised just spat out the Stone once he entered, the clean reflective surface dulling as if covered in steam, leaving out a message for the boy.

_DON'T EVEN TRY IT!_ Was what the Mirror told to Harry.

"Tch! What a pussy, what would have you ever seen inside my heart..." he muttered pocketing the Stone.

_DON'T DO IT! I AM WARNING YOU!_ The new message said, adding the doodle of an angry face near the text.

"Fine! I won't look, now take this fake I did and turn it into a perfect replica," Harry said throwing a red stone he had casually made into an exact replica of the original Philosopher Stone, watching the thing sink inside the mirror just like it would in water.

"Pleasured to make affairs with you! Treat the Twins well, those two are idiots so they will have problems understanding what to do with you," he said, leaving the room to go back in his dorm, repairing the various traps so to not leave traces.

_SICK BASTARD! _The Mirror 'said' as the glass momentarily turned green as if the thing had been disgusted by something.

**Some time later – Gryffindor VS Slytherin Quidditch Match - **

"Shouldn't you help those two?" Harry asked with a bored voice, watching with disinterest as both his brother and sister were having problems to stay on their broom while the two things tried to shove the two kids away.

"Do I have to?" Snape asked with a whine.

At that Quirrell gave him a slip of paper, never stopping his muttering nor blinking his eyes.

"What does he says?" Harry asked, curious.

"He says '_Save the appearances_'...apparently the Dark Lord is here," Snape said in surprise.

"Hello, professor Voldy!" Harry said cheerfully, waving at the now smirking man.

"He says '_later'_...he had some pre-written messages for us?" the Potion Master said with a raised eyebrow.

The next message had '_A lot of free time_' written on it, Quirrel shrugging as Severus was reading it for added effect.

"I guess I'll have to save those two, make room," Snape said with a new sigh, taking in an huge breath to start casting the counter-curse to save the "Idiots-who-lived".

**After the game – Snape's office - **

"SHE HAD SET ME ON FIRE! THE LITTLE BITCH TRIED TO BURN ME ALIVE!" the Potion Master said with a furious scream.

"Granger went a little overboard, that's true, but nothing happened, I managed to put it out before your leg was wounded, professor," Harry answered calmly.

"She still tried to burn a teacher alive! I should give her detention!" the other answered.

"Whatever? Come on, professor, you promised to help me to create and harem! I want to have a girlfriend or two...hundred," the boy said.

"Can you talk Parseltongue?" Snape asked.

"Yes?"

"Then there you are, just say _'Hi! My name is Harry'_ in that language while kissing or eating a girl out and it's done, Salazar was 'famous' for that, that's why Godric killed him, the founder of our House was behind four of Godric's five divorces," Severus answered.

"And the reason of the fifth divorce?" Harry asked.

"Erectile Dysfunctions, now let me go back into lamenting the attack to my life!" the man answered, starting a new ranting about Granger setting him on fire.

**End of the year - **

Watching in disinterest as his brother and sister moved towards the third floor with Granger and Weasley following them, Harry shrugged, Quirrelmort had promised to just shake the twins a little before taking the Stone for himself, oblivious that his future 'Inner Circle Member' had already opened a new vault under fake identity, thing that the Goblin asked an obscene amount of money to do, and was already producing gold for his future as a free man.

"I can't believe I am doing this," the sixth year Hufflepuff said in dismay.

"You lost the bet, it was either this or having me calling you Nymphadora whenever I felt like it," the boy answered.

"Just be quick, I am feeling awful doing this to a kid as it is..." the girl answered with a sigh.

"It's just an experiment, I am the one asking for this so it's not your fault, you are not 'scarring a poor child'," Harry commented.

"Whatever..." she answered.

"Wanna bet you will change your mind?" the boy asked with a smirk.

"As if," she answered, watching the boy move on his knees and under her skirt until...

"_HISSS!_" the boy hissed in her crotch in Parseltongue (Translation: '_The pen is on the table_')

"OH GOD, YES!" she yelled with wide eyes, coming her brains out while panting loudly.

"You were saying?" Harry asked amused.

"...Wanna lose your virginity at twelve?" she asked with a serious tone.

"Sorry, I may be more mature than what I look like but I am still too young, you'll have to wait until I am AT LEAST sixteen/seventeen for that," He answered.

"That was Parseltongue! Isn't that a sign of evil?" the girl asked worried.

"Would you find it surprising if I tell you that whoever started saying that was one that had his wife or girlfriend cheating on them with a Parselmouth?" he asked back.

"Considering that I still can't stop my legs from shaking? No, I find it quite possible," the girl answered.

"Good to hear that and thank you for helping me, I have to go back to my Dorm, see you around!" Harry said, leaving the still flustered girl behind.

"I will be around next year! If you need further help don't hesitate!" the girl called out, an hopeful expression on her face.

"Aye-aye! I'll even do that for free if you want!" he answered, making her squeal in happiness.

Far away, Remus Lupin was calmly sleeping at Godric's Hollow as a guest of James and Lily, in the middle of the night he jerked awake with a pang of sorrow filling his heart.

"Why I have the impression I just lost a great occasion?" he asked to the empty room.

"Come back to bed, honey, I need my wolfie to cuddle with!" Sirius asked with a whine.

"For the last time, Padfoot! just because I let you sleep off your latest drinking game with James doesn't mean we are a couple! I am straight!" the werewolf answered with a glare.

"And I am too, Moony! I just need someone to hold onto until the room stop spinning!" Sirius answered with a groan.

"Okay, okay...but next time remember to brew some hang-over potion, and stop fondling my ass!" Lupin answered, laying down once again.

"Sorry, force of habit," the other answered.

Back at Hogwarts, a surprised Harry discovered that by eating out a Metamorphomagus he had gained the same abilities.

"Wicked!" the boy said, a surprised smile on his face as he gained few inches in height and turned his hair green.

"Let's see if I can grow another..." Harry said looking inside his pants.

"Wonderful," he muttered with a feral grin, watching in satisfaction the results of his experiment.

**\- / - / - / - Time Skip – Twins' Second Year and Harry's Third - / - / - / - **

**Hogwarts – Snape's Office - **

The Potion Master was calmly brewing some potions for the Infirmary, and safe some money from buying them following the plans Filius drawn for the School, in front of him his pet-project Harry Potter was calmly reading a seventh-year Charm book with a white owl perched on his shoulder.

"Where did you get that owl?" Snape asked.

"I found her in the trashcan," the boy answered with a shrug, the owl momentarily glaring at him for the movement before returning to read.

"Please elaborate, I feel that the answer lacks some key details," the other said, pouring the now ready foul-smelling potion in several vials.

"Dad gave her to my sister as a prize for 'saving the Stone' but since Hedwig here was clearly smarter than her, she decided to throw her away, I found her and decided to keep her after a throughout cleaning," Harry answered.

"Hedwig? Nice name...I didn't know that at least your sister had some good tastes," Snape said.

"That is the name I gave her, my brother wanted to call her 'Maxima destructor overpower thunderstorm megarex'," the boy answered.

"...Really?"

"Hu-uh!"

"I knew I should have not kept my hope high for that girl, she does have Potter blood in her," the professor said with a sigh.

"Hey!" Harry said, scandalized.

"I still insist that someone took your father's place the night you were conceived, that or Magic itself had pity of you," Snape answered, nonplussed by the boy's narrowed eyes.

"Whatever, how was Voldy's answer to the fake Stone?"

"Pretty bad, he is sure that the Headmaster had switched it with a fake for safety purposes, Nicholas Flamel was also angry when Albus told him that the Stone was not the real one, he may be centuries old, but that Alchemist knows how to punch people, it took Pomfrey three days to set back the old fool's nose into something normal enough for him to breath," Snape answered.

"I see, any plans for the twins this year?" Harry asked.

"Nothing that I know, I saw Albus devise plans for their fourth year, but nothing for this," the Potion Master said.

"Hn...I saw a new Weasley getting sorted, a girl...I thought that family NEVER gave birth to females," Harry said.

"Yes, it's a recurring joke the fact that their family is 'cursed' with only male offspring, I guess they will just stop saying that now, why you ask?"

"I saw the girl look at Maximus with narrowed eyes, do you think Molly is planning something?" the boy asked.

"Probably, her family is not exactly rich, and neither poor mind you, they are somewhere in the low-medium level for a pureblood family," the Potion Master answered.

"So having both her daughter and son marry a Potter would mean having access to their money...I see," Harry said with a nod.

"Their Money?"

"Had I not took the Stone, by now I would not have a knut and being here with used books and such would suck, but returning on track, I didn't see Ronald interact in a romantic way with my sister, one of the twins perhaps?"

"I hope not, but I guess that the youngest male Weasley needs more time to understand the details of his mission, being the worst dunderhead I had ever seen doesn't help his cause," Snape said.

"Should I watch out for Love Potions myself?" Harry asked with a sigh.

"Probably, you are still a Potter and so a possible 'Link' to the money, sure without continued feeding and Albus' approval stopping Madame Pomfrey, the medi-witch would immediately discover it with any simple charm she normally uses to check student's health, but hand-waving it as a plot-hole never was a problem for us," Snape answered

"Yes, I know...it does have a certain '_Cliche'_ taste to it by the way," Harry said, shaking his head with a sigh.

"It doesn't matter, now go, Minerva will start her lesson soon and I don't want to give her excuses to take points away from us, this year Albus won't pull that stunt with the points at the last moment just to have Gryffindor win the House Cup that should have been our by right!" the man said with a disgusted sneer.

"...Six hundred thousand points for Saving the Stone...and still, they just surpassed us of one hundred points," Harry answered.

"You did your best to have us gain as many points as possible, even if in the end it was not enough," Snape answered.

"At least we saw Professor Flitwick cry when he saw the final total of the points, and the difference between us and Ravenclaw," the boy said, leaving the office with a mirthful laugh.

Once in the corridors, both boy and owl were met with the total silence of the empty dungeons, humming a little tune, Harry moved towards Transfiguration.

_Murder them, kill them, tear them to pieces, download music from internet!_ An hissing voice said from inside the walls.

"_Hello? Anyone there?_" the boy asked in Parseltongue.

_Arson, Murder, jay-walking, public urination...eh?_

"_Who are you? And why you are in the walls?_" the boy asked.

"_I am a Basilisk...and you can't imagine how big the tubes are here, all those bathrooms that still manage to get clogged must be a nightmare to clean_," the Basilisk answered.

"_Who sent you around the school?_" Harry asked

"_A red-haired girl with blotchy cheeks, she somehow talks with a male voice though_," the creature answered.

"Red hair and blotchy cheeks...Weasley..._was she a Parselmouth?_" he asked.

"_No, she had something else talk for her like that, a spirit or something,_" the Basilisk answered.

"Oh, goodie! A possession..." Harry said with a groan.

"_If you don't mind, I have orders to kill Half-blood and Mudblood students..._" the Beast said.

"_Can you wait a little? I resolve this and then will set you free, the Forbidden Forest it's full of Acromantulas for you to eat_," Harry said.

"_UH! I love those! Okay, I'll petrify one or two kids so to make that spirit-thing happy, but you have to free me, I am tired to move through shit just to stay unseen!_" the Basilisk answered with an eager-sounding hissing.

"_I'll do what I can_," Harry answered.

**Two days Later – night – Snape's office -**

"A possessed Weasley, leaving behind messages about the Chamber of Secrets and the enemies of the heir...I'll start brewing a counter for the petrified students, anything else?" Snape asked with a sigh.

"Where do you think Salazar has put the Chamber of Secret?" Harry asked.

"I don't know, it's a secret no-one ever managed to unfold..." the Potion Master answered with a sad voice.

"_Hoot! Ho-hoot!_" Hedwig hooted with a knowing look in her eyes.

"Myrtle's bathroom? Well...he WAS a pervert that used the Parseltongue to woo girls...I guess it makes sense for him to hide it in the girls bathroom," Harry said, surprised.

"Okay, that is a decidedly smart owl...even TOO much smart," Snape said with narrowed eyes.

"_Hoot!_" the owl glared back.

"She is challenging you at chess," Harry said.

"As if a bird will outsmart me," the Potion Master said with a sneer.

**Thirty minutes later - **

"_Hoot-hoot-hoot!_" Hedwig hooted, a owl version of a laugh.

"She said check-mate," Harry translated.

"WHAT?! Again! Twelve times out of fourteen!" Snape said with a furious growl.

**The next day – Girl's bathroom - **

Harry was calmly walking in the bathroom when a strange smell caught his attention.

"Polyjuice? Here?...Granger of course," he muttered, shaking his head in annoyance.

"_Sniff!_ hn...she used too much heat when preparing it, the thing won't work properly and the effect will last not a full hour," Harry commented with a chuckle.

"That's not true! I do it properly!" a female voice said in anger.

"Granger?" the boy asked.

"...No?" she answered.

"Girl come out, do it or I'll report the brewing of the potion, Professor Snape knows that the ingredients for that just disappeared from his stock, come out and explain to me why you did that," Harry asked with a bit of authority in his voice.

"NEVER! This is too much important! We are trying to save the school!" the girl answered.

"The Headmaster told you?" he asked

"No...he is still trying to understand what happened, no-one believed me when I said that it was a Basilisk doing that, they say that a beast like that can't just roam around the school with no-one seeing it, so I had to brew the potion to have Joanne and Maximus infiltrate your House and discover who is behind the attacks,"

"Figures, that poor beast had to swim in shit for that, and I assure you that Dumbledore already knows what is roaming around the school," Harry muttered.

"Come out now, I don't like talking to a door," the boy asked.

"I can't come out, it's embarrassing..." she said.

"What happened?" Harry asked.

"I...I did not use an human hair for my potion..."

"How will you explain it to Madame Pomfrey then? She will need to know that you used an animal for the Polyjuice, otherwise the transformation will be permanent," the boy answered.

"I'll say that I wanted to see if I was able...people let me do a lot of things because I am hyper smart and don't look threatening," she answered.

"Yeah, I know the feeling...let me see what you turned into," he asked, curious.

"NO! Don't do that!" she shrieked as the bathroom stall's door went opened.

"WHOA! Cat Girl! Awesome!" he said with a wide grin, watching the cat eared bushy head look at him with a withering glare, her fluffy tail moving straight up from her anger.

"I'll kill you for this!" she hissed angrily, accentuating her cat-like appearances.

"I don't think so, I need some more intelligent conversation and my brother and sister can't give me that...so I'll probably seduce you and be done with it," Harry answered.

"But...I am supposed to be the VERY hinted Love Interest of your brother and then choose a boy completely incompatible with me so to make people incredibly angry at a pairing that has no sense whatsoever!" the Granger girl replied.

"I'll make you change idea, don't worry," he answered with a lecherous smile.

"WE ARE TOO YOUNG FOR SEX!" she yelled with wide eyes.

"I am not talking about sex, sweetie!" the boy answered closing the door behind him.

"What are you..."

"_HISSS!"_

"OH GOD, YES!" she shrieked in ecstasy.

"_HISSS!_"

"YES, I'LL BE YOUR SPY FOR THE HEADMASTER'S PLANS!"

"_HISSS!_"

"YES, I'LL BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND! JUST PLEASE DON'T STOP!"

"_HISSS!_"

"ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ANY MORE AND I WILL END UP MARRYING YOU!" she pleaded between moans.

"_...HISSSSSSSSS!_" the boy said after a short pause of thought.

"I DO! I FUCKING DO!" she screamed at the top of her voice, eyes half-lidded as she almost lost consciousness.

"Does your crotch speak Parseltongue? How did you know what I was asking?" he asked curious.

"No more, honey...please no more, I can't feel the lower half of my body anymore..." the barely conscious girl pleaded with a low whisper.

"Oh well! I'll take you to the infirmary myself," Harry said with a shrug, carrying the still moaning girl on his back, ignoring the wide-eyed and panting ghost looking at them in jealousy.

"_Can you do that to me too?_" Myrtle asked with an hopeful voice.

"Well, Parseltongue IS a magical language, but what do I gain from that?" Harry asked with narrowed eyes.

"_...I'll scare the living shit out of your twins for the rest of the school and accuse your brother to try to spy in the girls' shower room,_" the ghostly girl answered.

"Good to me, come down here," the boy answered.

It was the coldest womanhood he had ever tasted.

**The next day – corridors - **

Harry was calmly walking towards the Chamber entrance when Lockart stopped him with a wide smile full of porcelain-made fake teeth.

"Harold, my boy!" the 'Defense professor' said.

"Harry..." the boy corrected him with a groan.

"Listen, Stephano, I know how it feels to be the second at everything, you have no idea how many friends I have lost when I started to get famous," the man said with a chuckle.

"Second?" Harry said with a growl.

"Yes, Markiplier, I know how it feels, you see your brother and sister being so famous and you can't stop your jealousy from surfacing, but you have to be the mature brother and accept the truth," he answered, ignoring the sparks of energy leaving the boy's wand.

"JEALOUS!?" Harry said, glaring at him in hate.

"Harry...Sorry, Cinnamontoastken, you need to understand that just because you will NEVER reach the same results of the 'Twins-who-lived' it doesn't mean that you will never be someone important once older, sure you will be LESS important than them, but still an helpful member of our society," Lockhart said with a smile.

"...First off, my name is HARRY!" the boy said blasting him against the wall and leaving him stuck there.

"Second! I am not jealous of those two prats! They can have all the fame they want, I have power and something else that beats both fame AND power put together!" he then said.

"What is it?" the man asked with a groan of pain.

"This..._Ziiip!_" he answered unzipping his pants.

"HOLY SHITE, A MONSTER!" the professor said with wide eyes, feeling very "little" in that particular situation.

"Third, I checked your "books", you are a failure even in stealing other people's achievement since you didn't even pay attention to make sure dates do not overlap, in one you were both in Iceland to defeat a tribe of carnivorous snowmen and in the middle of the Sahara to hunt down a giant scorpion at the same time, what method do you use?" Harry said with a snarl, putting back his 'weapon' in his pants.

"I...I talk with them with the excuse of an interview, then I Obbliviate the shit out of them and take the merit of the whole thing," the man admitted.

"Then, I think I know the right 'Punishment' for someone like you, **Obbliviate! Obbliviate! Obbliviate!**" the boy said, leaving the man foaming at the mouth with empty eyes.

"Idiot, now, let's go to deal with a possessed girl and a giant Basilisk," Harry said, letting out a pleasured sigh after making sure his magical signature would not have been recognized.

**Few minutes Later – Chamber of Secrets - **

"There! The entrance of the Chambers of Secrets...what would be the password? Open? No, too simple...uhm!" the boy said, focusing hard.

"Ah-ha! **Open to me, I need a place to shag a randy bitchy witch!**" Harry hissed in Parseltongue, making the door swing open rapidly.

"**WHO'S THERE!? FUCK! CLOSE YOUR EYES!**" The HUGE Basilisk said, his tone switching to terror at seeing Harry enter.

"Why?" the boy asked, curious.

"_You...you are looking me in the eyes and did not die?_" the huge snake said in awe.

"_Die? Dude, I snogged a Nundu for three hours last year and I am still here, I am too much Awesome and powerful to die for something like this,_" Harry answered.

"_Oh! Okay...I guess, so? What will we do?_" The Basilisk asked.

"_I'll take you out and then wait here for the possessed girl, I'll save her and use the Life-debt to have have her leave me out of whatever plans her family of Weasels may have for the Potter family, I don't care for my brother and sister, but I won't be used, thank you,_" the boy answered.

"_How do you know who is the possessed girl?_" the snake asked.

"_Well, duh! I am huber, super, duper smart, I saw Malfoy put something strange in her books and now there is someone possessed going around the school, I just used my amazing Brain to resolve the mystery,_" Harry answered.

"_Sounds a little far-fetched if you ask me,_"

"_We will talk about plot-holes and hand-waving later, now come, I need time to take you out without people noticing,_" Harry said, unconcerned.

**\- / - / - / - Time Skip – Twins' Fourth Year and Harry's Fifth - / - / - / - **

**Potter House – Salt Mine - **

"At least is not Coal anymore, all that black dust was making air hard to breath," Harry muttered, using his naked nails to dig in the rock.

"OH! I almost forgot to ask you...Harry? Do you want to come to the Quidditch Cup with us?" Lily asked, momentarily stopping flagellating her own son with The **cat o' nine tails (**Commonly known as **the cat), **the magical multi-tailed whip whining at being denied further blood.

"Bah! Why not...will there be Veelas?" the young man asked.

"You know you can't have sex, that would make you happy and ruin the Twins' day, me and your father need to concentrate solely on them to make the Prophecy power awaken since Albus said so, and he doesn't let the sun rise out of his own arse just for sport, but to indicate to our inferior lives the right path to the Greater Good. Now, rub some salt on your wounds and come upstairs, you still need to cook, clean, cut the grass, cure the six hectares of roses (without protective gloves, remember) finish the sixty-feet tall statue of basalt of myself you are doing by biting the rock with your teeth, do the homework of the twins, clean the bathroom with your tongue, write a new three-meters long poetry about how awesome Albus is and paint the whole house with a toothbrush again, I don't like the current colour," Lily said with a frown.

"Okay-okay...anything else?" he asked as his mother took a thinking pose, distractingly kicking him in the shins to help her memory.

"AH! Your father is still sitting on the toilet, go wipe his ass and then give it a nice kiss since his poor cheeks must have been grown numb in the wait, chop-chop! Hurry up!" the woman said, kicking the young man's ass to make him hurry up.

"I am going, I am going" he said with a sigh.

"What a slob, always walking around doing nothing, not like my two beautiful, clean, well-mannered, smart, loyal, kind, awesome, pretty, cute, cool, brave, nice, powerful, awesome, incredible, great Chosen One Twins!" Lily said dreamily, watching with proud eyes as Joanne was picking her nose while the other twin was openly peeing on the couch.

**Some Time later – Quidditch World Cup - **

"Uh? What is that?" Harry asked, walking out of his private tent with a deep frown, watching Death Eaters marching in the middle of the other tents launching curses left and right.

"_Sigh! _I'll be back soon, girls, wait a minute," Harry said with a sigh, frowning in annoyance as he was being forced to stop having wild dirty sex with twenty-five Veelas and three witches at the same time to resolve this fiasco.

"And this World is waiting for the Twins to save them? useless lumps of sheeple! Let's just deal with this so I can go back to do more important things!" Harry said sighing, concentrating pure undiluted Awesomeness in his hand and snapping his fingers, making the Death Eaters' hearts explode from the sheer magnitude of Harry's badassery before a black-hole, formed by the unbalance in the Universe coming from all the manliness irradiating from the young man in that instant alone, swallowed the pitiful corpses of those masked wizards and witches that no-one will miss because inconsequential to the plot of the story.

"How did you do that without a wand?" one of the girls asked in awe.

"I am the only Mary-Sue on the history of Creation that people doesn't love..." Harry answered, shaking his head.

"LOOK! THE-TWINS-WHO-LIVED SAVED US! HURRAY!" the people yelled as one, waking up the twins that were still sleeping in their tent and did not notice the attack at all.

"See? No matter what I do, they take the credit! I even converted my own shite into gold while I was singing the Aida with a single belch while in Peru and the Twins still were praised for that back in England!"

"Ooow! Poor thing! Come here, we will all cheer you up!" the girls in the tent said in chorus, opening their arms wide to welcome him.

"Thanks, I don't know what would happen to me if not for you all," Harry said with a grateful smile, jumping in that waiting mass of flesh to once again consume the night in dirty and kinky debauchery.

**Some Time Later – Hogwarts – Triwizard Tournament - **

"OH! Other two names came out of the Goblet!" Albus said, everyone excluded Harry, Snape and the masked Barty, missing the FAKE surprised tone of voice of the Headmaster.

"MAXIMUS AND JOANNE POTTER!" Dumbledore said in glee.

"Aah! Another plot to test the twins, I was worried when last year nothing happened, I guess he wanted to leave them some "breathing room" before this," Harry said, already figuring out the old man's plans.

"Potter!" the fake professor Moody said, nearing the boy.

"Yes, professor?" Harry asked.

"Walk with me, we need to talk," the scarred man said.

"What do you need? Some help with polyjuice? I can make some for you between lessons so you won't drag attention on you," the boy asked.

"How do you know that I am not the real Moody?" the other asked with wide eyes.

"I can smell the potion in your breath and saw that you are not used to walk with a wooden leg and I can see Magic and saw that your power was not the one of Moody since I casually learned what the real one has, that and I can 'Talk' with Magic itself, she just told me that herself," Harry said.

"You are pretty much the most intelligent and powerful man of the world, then," Moddy said nodding.

"I prefer of the whole Universe, but I don't like to brag, what do you need by the way?" Harry asked.

"My mission was to have you take part to the Tournament, during the last Task an hidden Portkey would have brought you to my Master and have you take part to a ritual to give him a new body," the Fake Alastor said.

"Aah! "_Blood of the Enemy, Forcibly taken_" I see what you mean, you do know that the Twins will be good for that too, right?" Harry said.

"You sure?" the Impostor asked, dubious.

"Trust me, I know the Ritual, had I been there I would have just given my blood willingly to boycott the thing and kill your Master, the Twins instead are two pathetic cowards, so prepare to **Ennervate** them several times during the ritual so to have them resist the thing," Harry answered.

"Thanks, I'll have my Master know about this, I guess the Headmaster used a more powerful **Confundus Charm** than mine to have those two chosen," the Fake Professor said with a nod.

"Yeah, he likes to test them with lethal trials for his "Greater Good", unfortunately my parents have their heads too deep in the Old Goat's ass to think about how dangerous that would be for two children...not my problem though," Harry answered, shrugging.

"Perfect, want me to take you there to see the ritual?" Fake Moody asked.

"...Yeah, why not, send my best wishes to the Dark Lord and tell him I hope his new body will be gorgeous and awesome," Harry answered with a nod.

"I'll let him now, Potter, expect the Twins to suffer a little in the Tournament though, they may be a little miserable," Fake Alastor said.

"And I should care, why?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, sorry, my mistake. Have a nice day," the other answered, slowly walking towards his borrowed office.

"And remember to feed the real Moody!" Harry said.

"Drats! I knew I was forgetting something!" the Fake said with a low curse, hurrying up towards the imprisoned Auror.

**Some Time Later – First Task - **

"MISS FLEUR? MISS DELACOUR IS YOUR TURN NOW!" Ludo Bagman called out with his **Sonorus**ed voice, calling the last Champion so to finish the First Task.

"OH, GOD! I AM COMIIIIIIING!" the girl answered with a loud howl of pleasure, the audience mistaking her orgasm for a proper answer.

"You already have to go?" Harry asked, sad.

"Oh, mon Dieu! I can't feel my legz anymore!" the French girl said, panting while her body shivered in unmatched delight.

"You will walk straight again soon, don't worry, I will wait you at the carriage?" he answered.

"Like a proper boyfriend zhould," Fleur answered with a playful glare, giving him a last peck to the lips before walking out of the tent.

"I love you," the young man said.

"I love you too," she answered with a wide smile, limping her way towards the dragon.

"Yep, it was worth it taking "lessons" from the other girls, finally I have a wonderful girlfriend...a pity that I ruined Ginny, Hermione, Cho, Hanna, Susan, Padma and Parvati, Daphne, Tracy, Pansy, Lavander, Tonks, Bellatrix, Draco's mother Narcissa and several others for any other being on the Planet (Centaurs comprised), but it's not my fault if it didn't work between us and decided to be just friends, but Fleur...I think I will finally settle down with her, she is wonderful, Veela heritage or not," Harry said, watching her decimate the dragon with an happy smile on his face.

**After the Task was over - **

"**Hoy! Thank you for letting those two idiots of my Twins live through the Task, I still need them alive,**" Harry said, calmly speaking with the dragons, just like he usually did with Snakes, Birds, Fishes, Dogs, Cats, other mammals, insects and sometimes rocks, whenever one of those pompous fragments of stone felt you were worth exchanging some words with of course.

"**It wasn't a problem, I found funny how your brother peed himself so hard that he went propelled back by sheer force of his urine output!**" the female dragon said with a growling laugh.

"**I loved how your sister pretended me to hand-over the egg, I never knew humans could scream so loud when their hair is on fire,**" the other dragon near the first added with her own laugh.

"**Hoy! No-one is around...mind a little fun? I always wondered how it feels shagging a dragon,**" Harry proposed, wiggling his eyebrows.

"**Not to sound insulting...but I don't think that you are big enough to...**"

_Ziiip!_

"**HOLY SHIT!**" The female dragon said with wide eyes.

"**You were saying?**" the young man said

"**I can't do this! You will split me in half!" **the female dragon said with a whine.

"Then I'll take care of this, honey, you zon't need a dragon vhen you 'ave me," Fleur said in smug satisfaction, grabbing the young man's _equipment _with an strong grip_._

"Just trying to satisfying my curiosity, dear," he said with a chuckle.

"Inztead of you curiozity, just zatisfy me!" she answered with a smirk.

"Everything you wish, Fleur," Harry said as he Magicked her clothes away since he was so good at Magic while she stroked his _wand._

If you know what I mean.

**Later that year – Second Task – Black Lake - **

Harry was calmly looking from the stands as the twins refused to dive in the lake, Maximus because he didn't want his hair to get wet and Joanne admitting that she didn't know how to swim, stifling a laugh when the other people watching started pretending the Task to be declared null, Harry returned to his quite boring pastime.

Genius-difficult crosswords from the "Beijing Magical News" newspaper, alternating answering a definition with doodles mathematically demonstrating that indeed the earth is in the centre of the Universe and that the Moon was made not of cheese but of millenniums-old pea soup.

He still remembered with a chuckle that time when he was five and had mathematically demonstrated God's existence by mistake while trying to solve a Sodoku grill on the newspaper...that group of Atheists was still calling for his blood nowadays.

"PLEAZE! SOMEONE 'ELP MY SIZTER!" Fleur called out as Krum dragged her out of the water, the Bulgarian boy had several wounds on his chest from claws and fangs, his hostage Ronald Weasley too was covered in cuts.

"Don't worry, Fleur! I'll go save her!" Harry said, joining the girl and hugging her tightly.

"Zhey must have saw me and Krum and zhought we vere ze twins-who-lived! Do something!" the french girl said in horror.

"I'll save her," the young man said with a decisive nod.

Taking out his clothes he showed the body of an athlete, not too defined but filled with powerful muscles.

"What do you think you are doing, idiot? You can't save her! I'll do this!" Maximus said, his fear of losing to his older brother overruling his fear of getting wet as he jumped inside the lake.

"Fool...oh, well! At least if I am lucky he may be teared apart, freeing me of half my problems!" Harry said happily, crossing his arms and focusing.

Taking in a deep breath Harry's eyes snapped open, making his muscles bulge out tremendously, showing he was hiding them to fool the others and lull them into a false sense of security.

To the astounded audience, and the now horny-as-a-sex-starved-beast-under-Viagra-overdose Fleur, the young man showed a body ripped to the impossible in muscles, he had so many muscles OVER his muscles that even his eyebrows, nose and toes had eight-pack abs on them, his torso showing a perfectly chiseled 2568-pack shining in manly sweat, manliness oozing by his being in waves.

"That's better, I was getting tired of keeping my muscles compressed to hide them," the MANLY giant of awesomeness and muscles said, jumping in the water with so many prefect and elegant twists and somersaults, both normal and reverse, that an Olympic judge appeared to deliver enough gold medals to cover the next three Olympic Games.

Thirty seconds later, a normal-looking Harry, that had hidden back his muscles to move better underwater, calmly walked out of the water with Fleur's sister Gabrielle in his arms.

"Are you okay?" Fleur asked.

"Sorry if I took this long, I had to stop Maximus from getting himself killed, people would have blamed me for that...even if it would have been soo worth it," Harry answered.

"You do know that since you saved her you are now bonded with my sister?" Fleur asked worried.

"Really? Those things do exist?" he asked.

"I am surprised you didn't know it happens every time," Fleur said, surprised.

"It sounds like a convenient way to start a relationship," Harry answered with a frown.

"Yes, what now?" Fleur asked.

"Can I bond with you as well?" he said.

"Technically yes...are you sure? This is basically a wedding," Fleur asked, nervous.

"I wouldn't mind spend the rest of my life with a wonderful woman like you, my love!" the young man said with a wide smile.

"Then yes!" she said, hugging him tightly.

"I love you," he said happily.

"I love you too," Fleur said.

"_Moi _too!" Gabrielle said with a wide smile.

"You'll have to wait few years for the wedding, Gabri! I'll be first," Fleur said, scolding her sister.

"Oh, poo!" the little girl said with an angry pout.

"HURRAY! MAXIMUS SINGLE-HANDEDLY DEFEATED THE MERMEN AND MANAGED TO BUY HIS BROTHER ENOUGH TIME TO TAKE THE GIRL TO SAFETY! HE IS EVEN MORE AN HERO NOW!" one wizard of the audience said, prompting a waterfall of cheering and praises to rain on Maximus.

"What!? They think it's thanks to him if Gabrielle is alive?" Fleur said in shocked awe.

"Ignore them, I learned to leave the twins to bask in the glory, at least people ignores me enough to let me "choose" my friends" Harry said, unconcerned.

"It's still pretty stupid if you ask me," the girl muttered as she, her sister and her boyfriend/future husband Harry walked back towards Beauxbatons Carriage.

**Some more time later – after the third task – graveyard - **

The twins had just finished "helping" Voldemort to regain a body and were now pissing themselves at seeing the REAL Dark Lord in front of them in all his terrifying glory, wondering if whatever destroyed him before could be replicated by some form of miracle.

"I was...surprised to see the two of you reach here, I thought that just one could have reached the Trophy, why is that?" Voldemort asked in sincere curiosity.

"Both reached it at the same time, more likely because Joanne was too dumb to resolve the Sphinx riddle, and that poor beast was close to maim her out of pure annoyance, so Maximus managed to catch-up, I had to stun the Sphinx and banish the trophy towards them, otherwise we would still be waiting for them to arrive," Harry answered with a sigh.

"Ah! I see...I wonder...is James Potter really your father? You are too smart and have too much common sense for being related by blood to this two brats," the Dark Lord said, pointing at the still gagged twins with a wave of his hand.

"No, unfortunately I am a full Potter, BUT, at least the twins managed to do one thing right! Thanks to them you now have a body for me to kill permanently," Harry said happily.

"Really? I have ways of survive and we have no mirrors here," Voldemort answered with a evil chuckle.

"I had conjured that mirror, Voldy, it used to be a teddy-bear before you arrived, other than already knowing seven different languages and have a degree in rocket science, I already could do wandless magic since after I came out of my mother's womb, that's the Hidden Power you didn't know about, being so badass that _'Power'_ practically has my name as a synonym," the young man answered.

"You still can't kill me, you know? While me instead, I can kill you quite easily...I guess that it was a mistake to let you live, after all," Voldemort said sadly, taking out his wand with a sad sigh.

"You mean the Horcruxes? I already destroyed those after my first year at Hogwarts, I discovered your soul fragment in my scar and used its Magical Aura to find the others and destroy them, I will keep this since I have a nice plan for the rest of the Wizarding World, now sorry...but I need you all dead," Harry said, taking out his own wand and preparing the special spell he personally created for that moment.

"KILL HIM! KILL HIM!" Voldemort screamed in rage as he and the Death Eaters prepared their wands.

"Watch closely, prats! This is how Magic really works," Harry said, smirking at the twins in satisfaction.

"**Iyay amyay anyay overpoweredyay itchbay!" **the young man chanted, summoning a terrifying explosion of Pure Magic that erased everything from the Graveyard, graveyard comprised, from the face of the earth in a deafening explosion of power, leaving unscathed just Harry and the twins in that bared wasteland of destruction.

"Good! Now I'll use the remaining fragment of Voldy that I trapped in my scar to create a Fake Dark Lord that will secure the Dark Mark on Professor Snape, Karkaroff and Barty to still result active, then I will modify the Twins' memories implanting a fake memory of an epic fight and daring escape that will shift the attention on them and my Fake Voldemort, like that I will have all the time to move through the last phase of my Master Plan to ruin the lives of Dumbledore, the Potters and the Twins all in one swift, awesome move," Harry said to himself with an happy smile, taking a fist-full of mud and transfiguring it into a copy of Voldemort and trapping inside it the Soul Fragment in his scar, making the wound finally disappear as no more Dark Magic was filling it.

"Perfect! Now...look at me so I can mess with your brains and implant fake memories..." Harry said, pointing his wans at the Twins with a calm expression on his face.

**\- / - / - / - Time Skip – Twins' Fifth Year and Harry's sixth - / - / - / - **

Harry was calmly shoveling manure in the Potter family stables with his bare hands when a slightly tingle in the back of his head alerted him of the presence of Dementors.

"_UFF!_ Never a moment of peace! Seriously, what should a young man do to have some peace and quiet here?" Harry said with a moan of displeasure, looking out he could see the two cloaked creatures hovering over the twins, the two hugging each other and whimpering.

"_Sigh!_ Just another year..." Harry said with a tired sigh, pointing his wand at the Dementors.

"**ellSpay atthay illskay everythingyay**!" Harry said with a lazy tone, launching a torrent of light that turned the Dementors into a rain of glitters as the two went atomized and killed by the powerful spell.

"JAMES! Look! The Twins just killed two Dementors! I thought it was impossible to kill those creatures!" Lily yelled in awe.

"It must be the power Albus talked about! The Twins are really that wonderful and powerful!" James answered.

"And don't forget cool, smart, brave, loyal, handsome, awesome and perfect!" Lily added.

"YAY!" both parents yelled as one in happiness.

"Huhuhu! The Wizarding World is really fucked with that kind of people in charge," Harry muttered with a chuckle, shaking his head at his parents' idiocy.

**Some time later – Hogwarts – First day of lessons – corridors - **

"I am Madame Umbrigde and I..." the Toad-like woman tried saying.

"**Reducto,**" Harry said with a bored tone, splattering the corridor with her blood as her body went blasted to pieces in an horrible, gruesome death.

Luckily no-one was around so the young man had all the time to use a **disillusionnement **spell on himself before the first professor arrived, curious about the deafening _boom_ of the spell.

Not a single soul in the whole Wizarding World cried for the woman's death, only Fudge was present at her funeral to cry for his trusty lap-dog's death, even Dolores' mother refused to be present, the old woman and the rest of the family openly ignoring sharing blood or any kind of tie with Umbridge when asked by reporters and Aurors.

Albus was pretty much over the Moon in happiness from the news of Umbridge's death, without the evil bitch around he could now calmly have Maximus and Joanne risk their lives in a "simple" walk in the Forbidden Forest trying to stop a "Mysterious" individual from stealing Centaur's blood for an Evil Ritual the old man himself plotted just to test the twins.

The result was the Fake Evil Man (a masked Golem Albus created just for the occasion) putting the two students in the Hospital Wing for over Seven Months, making Albus start wondering if maybe he was exaggerating in his Trials for the-twins-who-lived.

"I already decided what they will eat, where they will sleep, what they will wear, with who they will talk and how, what they will do in their free time, how many times they will be able to use the bathroom, what kind of dreams and nightmares they will have and how often...Am I exaggerating? Maybe I am being a little '_Manipulating'_...Naaah! I am just doing this for the Greater Good...uuuum! Greater Good! Delicious, delicious, Greater Good!" Albus muttered to himself, ending his musing with a delighted moan as he thought about his precious "Greater Good".

He was feeling rather excited, and he knew only one way to calm himself down.

"I need to plan the life of someone else! Just another and I'll be okay, I can stop whenever I want, after all! Just another one won't be a problem," Dumbledore said to himself, trying to reign his urges.

"Good morning, Headmaster!" a young voice said.

"Just the young man I was looking for, Mister Weasley! have you ever thought about letting someone else taking control of your life? You know, taking every decision for you no matter how big or small and uncaring if you will just have a miserable life from it?" Albus asked.

"Can't say I ever did, Headmaster," Ron answered, uncertain.

"Wonderful! Let's talk a little then! I know I will be able to help you decide what to do with your life by following MY decisions," the old man said happily, moving an arm around the Weasley boy's shoulder with an ecstatic smile on his face.

"Okay, sir," Ron answered nodding.

"Perfect! Come to my office then! I have a lot to decide for you!" the other answered with a cheerful tone.

"_Just another...just another plot for the Greater Good and I will stop! I can stop whenever I want!"_ Albus thought, dragging the boy to his office so he could manipulate the young man's future to follow the Headmaster's plans for him.

**\- / - / - / - Time Skip – Twins' Sixth Year and Harry's Seventh - / - / - / - **

**SEXUAL SCANDAL DESTROY HOGWART'S IMAGE!**

That was the Headline of the Prophet that welcomed both students and professor in a cold morning after the end of the Final Exams for the seventh year students, under it a tale that would simply disintegrate Albus' image along the Order of the Phoenix' credibility and its members as a whole.

"You dirty bastard! I almost killed Lily...okay and James too...just to help you masturbate with a doll!?" Snape said with a roar, internally praising his favourite Slytherin student for how he played the whole thing.

He knew the young man would have been a wonderful Slytherin and damn it he was right!

"Severus...I...I...this is not true! This is just another lie of the ministry to discredit me!" Albus said in horror.

"Albus, they have an extract of a Pensieve memory that the Unspeakable certified as being not manipulated or a fake, it clearly shows you stuff that fake You-Know-Who in your trunk for "later use" and I wish to not think what kind of use you were planning," Filius said.

The truth was that Harry simply used common sense and dirty tricks the normal Wizard never thought about, Polyjuice can let you take the appearances of whoever you want, an hair of Abeforth, some Muggle make-up and a flamboyant dress and the young man was able to create the evidences he needed to destroy the old man's reputation, people could see if a memory had been falsified, but nothing could tell them if what happened IN the memory was real or made by actors.

The Prophet helped by putting on paper the remaining pieces of the Headmaster's tombstone.

_Dear readers of the Prophet, this reporter would be the first to say that what will follow will be a shocking revelation that will almost certainly destroy some up-until-now certain beliefs of our Society._

_Our story starts barely three months ago when an Anonymous Source, whose identity is known only by the Head of the DMLE, delivered enough evidences to finally bring to the light one of the biggest scandals the Wizarding World had ever seen._

_It would be no surprise to hear people answer without hesitation when asked what they knew happened the fabled night He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was finally vanquished;_

_But there is sadly a long line of lies that covered what REALLY happened that night of so many years ago._

_This reporter will start with the very few parts that are indeed true; yes, the Dark Lord had been vanquished, but sadly the Truth ends there._

"_I have to admit I was surprised to hear from my contacts how the Dark Lord's downfall was attributed to Joanne and Maximus Potter when it was just a misfired __**Killing Curse**__ against a mirror and reflected back to do the deal...or at least this is what Peter Pettigrew told me once I dressed back and took away the mouth gag from him after opening his handcuffs...you will cut this part away I hope, right?"._

_Those were the exact words of our Anonymous Source, that we will call _Mucius Lalfoy _to protect his identity, Mister Mucius was very distraught when he told us the truth, his next statement was then filled by sobs and hiccups once he started talking about Albus Dumbledore._

"_I thought I was safe after graduating from Hogwarts...he used...he used to force me to play _"Polish the wand"_ whenever I had a detention with him...several years ago he came to me with an offer and I could not refuse; he wanted me to use the Dark Lord to cover his "Playing" with me and several others that were defined Death Eaters, that's how I always escaped prison, thing that I am glad to otherwise the Dementors would have forced me to relieve those years..._"_ Mister Mal...Lalfoy had said before breaking down in a pitiful shower of un-manly tears._

_Another pair of former students of Hogwarts, that we will call Serious and Lemus, had other stories to add to the already terrifying portrait of the whole situation._

"_I am a werewolf, when the Headmaster approached me with a way for me to still be a student and not endanger my Housemates I was overjoyed, at the time I thought he was doing that because he was a good old man, but later in the year I was being given proofs that he did that just because he wanted to take advantage of my situation," Lemus had said with a sob, taking solace from the embrace of his gay lover Serious._

"_He discovered that during the transformations we become...sorry for my rudeness..."Frisky" so he hoped to have his way with me during my transformations.." at the news we asked to Mister Serious what he thought about those revelations._

"_Lemus Rupin is a caring man and a tender lover, we started having an affair with each other barely after our second year and his condition never disturbed me, on the opposite I will dare to say, I too was a victim of Albus Dumbledore's lecherous plans and still can't sit properly even after all those years away from his dirty harnesses..."_

**Meanwhile - Grimmauld Place - **

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" two male voices yelled in absolute horror from the opposite side of the house, the two owners of the voice running towards each other with a murderous glare on their faces.

"HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME!? WHAT KIND OF SICK PERVERT ARE YOU?!" Sirius yelled, shooting spit everywhere while waving the Prophet under Remus' nose.

"ME? ME?! You are the one twisted enough to cook up something like this! Have you any idea how hard it will be for me to show my face around?!" Lupin asked back with a growl.

"I am not the one publicly saying that I am gay! And that apparently likes to take it up the arse from a randy and perverted werewolf! I love boobs! I love to shag witches!" Sirius yelled in answer.

"Then if it wasn't me and it wasn't you, who the Hell did this!?" Remus asked.

It was a pity both couldn't fathom someone, let's say Harry, taking few hair of some people and give an interview in the window of time he knew the originals were not around witnesses.

**Back to Hogwarts -**

The finishing blow was when the supposed Anonymous Lucius Malfoy (still Harry under polyjuice) told to the Prophet how Albus refused to let the Dark Lord go and created a fake to keep people under control with his position as Leader of the Light so to guide everyone like a dictator while using the supposed Fame of the Twins to hide his dirty encounters with the supposed Death Eaters an many others, each one telling how badly they were abused, and in Bellatrix' case how much she loved it, and how James and Lily helped by feeding on whatever lie the Headmaster gave them and the difficult life Lucius somehow knew Harry was living.

The part where the Newspaper explained all the sordid games Albus did with the Muggle mannequin he spelled to look like Voldemort and enact his "rebirth" had more than few people throw up in disgust.

In the end, the constant fear of Voldemort's return Albus had fed them turned to rage and disgust towards an old man they believed ready to do anything to achieve fame and control over the Wizarding World helped by Lily and James Potter, two megalomaniac ready to bask in glory at the expenses of one of their children.

Starting from that day, for the general population there weren't Twins-who-lived or a Dark Lord about to return, just lies piled-up by an attention-seeking dirty old man.

To further drive the various pureblood families under the dirt, Harry had managed to get hold of some hair from Narcissa Malfoy and several others famous women so to regale to Teen Witch the tales of their supposed adventures in depravity and Lust, sparing not even magical Creatures like centaurs, grindilow, mermen and in Narcissa's case even Dementors, trolls and Giants.

The resulting scandal had the effect to tear to pieces the Ministry as law-suit from the husbands towards their supposedly unfaithful wives and the blood feuds the women families answered with managed to have the whole Legal body of the Wizarding World to almost implode with each member trying to destroy the other.

Amelia Bones came out of the various scandals pretty much clean together with Nymphadora Tonks and their respective families leaving the two women with really few people to work with to salvage everything possible from the pile of shit the Ministry of Magic turned into, but with excruciating slowness things seemed to repair themselves, helped by all the muggle-born witches and wizards that were finally given a job after every pureblood became more interested in ruining the other than working at the Ministry.

Fudge instead had almost died of heart failure when every bit of hid dirty laundryhe had always kept hidden from the press had been splattered on every paper of Magical Britain thanks to Lucius confession, Peter Pettygrew will be captured shortly after the publication of the interview of the Head of Malfoy family, the traitorous Marauder personally attacking Lucius for what he said were lies about his sexual preferences.

Amidst the utter Chaos Hogwarts too was deeply into, thanks to Trelawney heart-felt, and Veritaserum-aided, confession of her famous Prophecy being a Fake she cooked-up to get a job when Albus interviewed her years before, only Harry was calmly humming to himself while preparing his trunk in the Slytherin Common Room.

"Harry?" Snape asked, entering the room and emptying with his deepest sneer so to have a private word with the young man.

"Yes, sir?" Harry asked.

"Your parents and the Headmaster are waiting for you in the old fool's office, guess what they believe will happen," the Potion Master asked with a sneer.

"Two options, the idiots will say that they had always known the truth and feared that should the Dark Lord managed to return I wouldn't have been ready to fight him without going through a life of hardship and away from the "empty adulation of the masses" or..." the young man said.

"Or?" the man prompted with an appreciative nod.

"Or Albus will use some lame speech about old men making mistakes and pretending me to forgive the lot of them...I'll throw in some tear-filled words of Love from my parents that will try sugar-coat the dung that was my life with some smile and words of adulation too, just for added drama to the speech," Harry answered.

"Exactly, I won't need to suggest you to fall for it, I guess?" Snape said, arching an eyebrow.

"Of course I won't fall for it! Wait until they discover that their vaults are empty, I wonder what Molly Weasley will say when she discovers that the Marriage contracts she crafted with the Twins will result in her two children getting married into a family even poorer than them! It will be hysterical!" Harry answered with a mad grin.

"Contain yourself! You are falling in full Potter territory!" Snape said with a frown.

"Sorry, sir...will you accompany me?" the young man asked.

"I think that willingly or not I will be forced to, I still have my duties as Head of House to attend to," Severus answered.

"The fact that James will probably throw a tantrum is only a bonus?" Harry asked with a smirk.

"I prefer to call it a mere extra source of personal entertainment," the Potion Master said with a casual tone.

"After you, professor,"

**Several minutes later – Dumbledore's Office**

Both young man and Potion Master entered the office to find both Lilt and James looking at them with an hopeful expression, Albus instead was sitting behind his desk with a fake smile on his face, the fact that he was silently bidding goodbye to the chair he was sitting on showed that deep inside he knew that his time at Hogwarts was over, not in the heroically dramatic way he hoped but deep in infamy.

"Harry, my boy! I am so happy to see you!" the future ex-Headmaster said trying to sound cheerfully.

"Headmaster," Harry answered with a nod.

"We...we wished to talk a little, son," James said, failing to meet his son's eyes with his discomfort.

"We discovered some...details, about the night the Dark Lord attacked that we wanted to discuss," Lily added, her smile nervous under the heavy glare of her older son.

"Yes, the Prophet was rather throughout about the thing," Harry said.

"Not everything they said was true...and I am still trying to discover how they had built such believable false proofs," Albus said, rising his hands in a placating manner.

"False? You mean that you had not turned my life into a pile of feces just because a drunkard spat out a "Prophecy" because in dire need of a job?" the young man asked.

"Well...I didn't know that Sybill had a cousin in the Unspeakable that could certify the Prophecy as a real one to help her...you can't expect an old man to keep tabs on everyone and never make a mistake," the Headmaster said with a grand-fatherly tone.

"Old men and mistakes...pay-up professor Snape!" Harry said with a smirk.

"_Grrr!_ Couldn't you find another excuse, Albus?" Severus muttered with a growl, paying a Sickle to Harry.

"Yes, well, returning on track...I was hoping you could forgive us for this little misunderstanding and start your training for when Tom will return from death," Albus said hopefully.

"He is dead, Headmaster...he won't return," Harry answered.

"My boy..." Albus said as a cutting hex sailed above his head cutting his book case in two.

"Mister Potter," Dumbledore tried again, motioning to James and Lily to stand down.

"Yes?" Harry asked back, fingering his wand and daring the others to move, the Potion Master behind him suppressing a look of mirth only thanks to Occlumency.

"Voldemort will return, he had ways to prevent his death that had secured his return thanks to the Ritual he used with the twins," Albus said.

"Professor Snape? Can you show your arm, please?" Harry asked.

"You mean this?" Severus said, showing both arms without the Dark Mark on them.

"WHAT?!" both headmaster and Potter parents yelled at the same time.

"He is dead since quite some time, I am surprised that no-one noticed his disappearance, apparently whatever "_Way" _he had for being Immortal failed, " Harry said with a pleased smile.

"Dead!? Since when?" Albus asked, shocked.

"Who knows? I am not gonna say! Huhuhu!" the young man said with a laugh.

"You killed him?" James asked.

"No, Maximus and Joanne...or maybe it was Hedwig? Or maybe he just choked on a chicken bone...I fear you will never know," Harry answered with a mocking sad tone.

"It was you then," Dumbledore said.

"Nope I never left Hogwarts, you can ask to Professor Snape and Professor Moody," he answered.

"Severus?" Albus asked.

"I may have been asleep during the Final Task and during the twin dunderheads disappearance, but I am pretty sure Mister Harry never left Slytherin nor Hogwarts," Snape answered with a straight face and "_Laughing"_ eyes.

"He is still my son, Snivellus! He is a Potter whatever you like it or not so use his name!" James said with narrowed eyes.

"Regretfully yes, he is part of your family, but I guess that for once Genetics helped him distance himself from the native DNA he carries," Snape answered.

"Uh?" James muttered, confused.

"He means that he doesn't believe me to be as much stupid as you lot," Harry translated.

"HEY!" Lily said, offended.

"Considering that he managed to empty your vaults legally and take away your beloved fame as the parents of the-twins-who-lived, I guess that he can't be called idiot in any way, shape or form whatsoever," Snape commented, slipping a pleasured sneer on his face.

"My resignation, Albus, I don't need to work here any longer since you dear Sex-Toy of a Dark Lord is now dead, it was a pleasure wasting my life here with those idiot children while listening to your ramblings every single day for years," he then added, carelessly throwing a stack of papers on the Headmaster's desk.

"OUR VAULTS?!" Lily and James yelled.

"Well, since your "caring way" to treat me became public knowledge this morning I decided to issue the order to take all that money and put it under my name, I also used a loophole in the laws to not have MY being a Potter linked to you so to stop you others for gaining access," Harry said.

"Why?" Lily asked in tears.

"HOW!?" James asked in anger.

"I changed my name in Harry Poter, with a single 'T', that was enough to the Goblins to create a new vault and I did this because...well, I learned the truth when I was five and I could already transfigure things as I wished, when I analyzed the night thanks to Legilimency training and a mirror I could recall that night, watching as the spell rebounded from the mirror behind me and towards the poor bastard of a Dark Lord, once reached Hogwarts the first time I gained access to more books than what we had at home, from there...well, the rest you already know, or would have known had you paid attention to me," Harry explained.

"What now?" Lily asked, voice dripping in despair.

"I don't know you, but since I have just completed my studies and the whole Dark Lord issue is over, I think that I will leave you here and spend the rest of my life in an eternal vacation, after everything you did to me, I think I earned it," the young man answered.

"WAIT! We can still be a family! I will help you become an Auror, I know several guys in the Academy that will gladly take you in! It had always been your dream!" James said.

"Nope, that's Maximus...how he plans of being an Auror if he hates to do exercise is beyond me," Harry answered.

"Then St. Mungo! I can help you become an Healer!" Lily said.

"That's Joanne, and she fears blood...God, can those two prats of your children be more stupid?"

"An Alchemist?" Albus asked, clinging to straws as for now.

"I am already studying under Mister Flamel, he says that I am a great student, but that is not a way to make a living, not that I need that," Harry answered, waving the old man off.

"Then what?" James asked.

"You tell me, Dad, what is my dream?" he asked back.

"I...I...eeh!" the Head of House Potter muttered, drawing a blank with a surprised expression.

"He wants to open an apothecary, Potter...your son is a genius in potions and has achieved a Mastery last year, he scored even better than me unfortunately, he will surely revolutionize the Art of Potion-making if given enough time and good materials to work with," Snape answered.

"Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner!" Harry said with a smirk.

"How come that you know MY SON so well, Snivellus?!" James yelled, glaring at the Potion Master.

"Maybe because I am not so idiot to ignore the obvious? Really, his scar used to give off Dark Magic whenever tested, he had more abilities than anyone and his grades were enough to make us professors go green with envy, the twins were average or even below-average and didn't show any special abilities...do I need to continue?" Severus answered.

"But...but...Maximus had Tom's name on his forehead!" Albus said.

"The Prophecy talked about marking a rival, wouldn't a full name being "too much" for a prophecy so vague? I MIGHT believe about Joanne, but the fact alone that the scar on her backside never showed traces of Magic should have been a damn good give-away," Snape said.

"Oh, well! Now it's too late to cry on the spoiled milk, soon everyone will ask why you did all of this and pretend answers, luckily I won't be here since I too am a victim of this machination, I will be in my new house under several wards, both human and goblin-made, and the sixty **Fidelius** I put it under," Harry said with a smirk.

"You can't pile a **Fidelius** over another," Lily said, already sobbing at her son leaving her.

"Yes you can instead, you only need to change the ritual a little, I already am one of the **secret keepers, **the others are...well, several rocks, a tree and the goldfish I will take with me, no-one ever said that the **secret keeper** had to be human or even have a Will to begin with, after all, you just it him/her/it with a spell," Harry answered.

"WAIT! Please, let us have another chance! At least let ME have another chance...please!" Lily pleaded between sobs.

"We will exchange some letters, don't worry, I am not heartless like you, after all, I DO have some respect for you," Harry said.

"O-okay..." the woman muttered with a whimper.

"Come on! Cheer-up! Soon Joanne will marry Ronald Weasley and Maximus will marry Ginevra Weasley! You should be happy!" the young man said.

"WHAT?! Why? How?" both James and Lily asked.

"Dumbledore planned this, for the Greater Good of course," Snape answered.

"ALBUS!" both Potters yelled in rage.

"It was...something I did for the Twins when I still believed them to be the Chosen Ones, I believed it necessary to keep them in the Light," the old man answered.

"Bad choice, but don't worry, I did not empty the Potter vaults completely, I left some money there," Harry said.

"How much?" Lily asked, hopeful.

"Thirty Sickles, mommy dearest!" the other answered with unmistakable glee.

"Why that sum?" James asked.

"Thirty pieces of silver...in the Bibble it was what Judas Iscariot was paid with for his betrayal," Lily said, returning to cry.

"Quite poetic, isn't it? You betrayed me, so I saw that as a right compensation," Harry said cheerfully.

"Harry, you need to learn how to forgive people, you will turn Dark if you keep this up! now give those money back, marry a Weasley, forgive your parents and let us take care of everything in your life...and most of all, stop thinking for yourself, you just need to follow everything I say," Albus said.

"Oh, piss off! I have a portkey for my new house and I won't waste it, go shag a goat as you always do every second Friday of the month!" Harry answered.

"It's the second Thursday...NO I MEAN!" Albus said, before paling at his slip of tongue.

"Portkeys won't work here," James supplied.

"They will if I made those, I am just too powerful, Goodbye!" Harry answered tapping his glasses with his wand, disappearing from the office thanks to the portkey in it.

"Well, it was a funny meeting, have a nice day, I'll help myself towards the door, thank you," Severus said, leaving the office just in the same instant as McGonagall entered.

"Albus, there is an angry mob here that apparently wishes to talk to you...they have already lightened up their torches," the stern woman said in worry.

"FAWKES!" Albus shrieked.

"_Screw this, I am outta here!_" the Phoenix said, leaving the office in a flash of fire just as the angry horde started yelling from outside the office, apparently having breached the school doors and marched all the way there.

"Oh, Bugger!" Albus, James and Lily said as the first of a LONG series of angry wizards and witches entered the office to take their pound of flesh for getting scared all those years apparently for nothing.

**Several years later – Potter House in the Caribbean Sea**

It was a peaceful life the one Harry, Fleur and Gabrielle were spending on the island far away for Magical Britain, interrupting their lazy days on the beach with a long vacation in the Delacour Villa in Magical France, Harry had even learned how to produce wine thanks to Fleur's father and was selling some on the side-lines with his Potion Products, his mail delivery of both ingredients and finished products earning further money to him and his two wives.

The Potters and Weasley still managed to have a decent life, but the fall from grace didn't help Maximus and Joanne that had to learn the hard-way how the world really worked, James and Lily though managed to recover a bit of dignity and exchange few polite letters with Harry, hoping deep down their hearts to at least see him in person once or twice, even if they knew they will hardly be forgiven, they still tried to have Harry accept their apologies.

Harry simply hoped that once passed enough years without Fame they would understand what they had done, even if he hated them with a passion, he could not ignore their being his parents, idiots or not.

He was just happy of being finally free from them once and for all and with people that really loved him and cared for him like Fleur and the Delacour Family he had been accepted into and that he saw as his own.

When Hermione, Cho, Hanna, Susan, Padma and Parvati, Daphne, Tracy, Pansy, Lavander and several others also joined him he had no problem marrying them as well, all of them preferring the cordial, well-mannered, gentle Harry to the other boys from Hogwarts and enlarging his family, finally receiving all the warm affection he always wished for...

then they totally started making out but deeply and haryy magiced the doors locked adn he was all oh yeah and they were like mmhm and Luna walked in teh romm wearing tight leather patns and she said room for one more so hayrr magiced off all their clothes cus hes so good at magic then fleur grabbed grabbed harrys wand if you know what I mean…

**Okay, I'll cut the story here! It was awful? An horrid mountain of shit? The new "My Immortal"? I HOPE SO! I wanted it to be this! ^ ^**

**I wanted this to be the most Clichè thing I could manage, I over-stuffed it, I basking it as much as I could with cliches as if basking a turkey which I then proceeded to have sex with it.**

**THAT'S RIGHT! **

**I Fucked the Cliché Turkey!**

**By the way, in the closing part I decided to follow the idea of one of the many parodies of the by now ****Legendary**** "My Immortal" Fanfiction, the sum of all Fanfiction Shit and created a closing-like-something for the story.**

**As I said at the beginning, What Clichés did I use and how many times each one appear here? Tell me in the reviews ^ ^. Let's have some fun together here, Come on!**

**If you feel the need to give me pointers about how to write One-shots, Parodies and Crackfics please do in the reviews or through Pms, just be gentle, I am a sensible boy ^ ^.**


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Harry Potter, Humor, Parody