South of Nowhere 1. Chapter 1

_**I DONT OWN SON.**_

My name is Spencer Carlin I'm 22 years old and this is my story. Its not a happy life and it might not end the way anyone, especially me, would like but it is how it is. Let me start off by saying I'm gay like I'm a girl with a guys mind gay. This were I'm starting my story. Ever since I was little I have always liked girls, in my mind it was normal. I don't mean that I think being gay isn't normal I just mean at that young age I thought liking girls was like the norm, if that makes any sense? As I grew older I knew that liking girls isn't societies definition of normal, oh well I don't care. Even though I'm not 100% on who I am as a person that fact I am 100% on. I like girl, no correction I LOVE GIRLS! I've only kissed three girls in my life and even though I have kissed more guys I still know I am gay.

I didn't come out till I was 16 years old it. It wasn't a bad experience but it could have gone better. At school I was out and it really didn't bother me there. My home life bothered me my dad was a dick and always will be. My mom was super judgmental and I didn't want to be disowned because of it. I grew up thinking I had to be the perfect model child and it was nerve wracking being the first born with all these expectations put on me before I was born and being gay was not one off them. I was suppose to get married to a man and have 2.5 kids while juggling a booming career; my dad wanted it to be in a sport of some kind. In the end I guess it didn't matter because most of everything that was expected of me I failed at but I'm proud to say I glad I let everyone down. In the end I need to make me happy it has taken me 22 years but I've realized it.

Now this story is about love but you have to understand me or at least understand a little before you can judge the decision I have made. Most aren't smart but at the time it seemed right. I'm the kind of person that doesn't think and just does it and if there are consequence then so be it. My family thinks I am pretty stupid for the things I do but, its how I do it and if I were to live on my own thats how I would do it. I am very independent and if I want something I don't ask I just get it.

I tend to flirt a lot with boys and girls. Guys are easy to flirt with you just stand there and pretend to be interested in them even if you really aren't. They would do almost anything just at the hope that they will get in your pants. Also just throw in a sexual comment here and there and BAM! they are hooked simple, right? Its not that enjoyable actually.

Girls are so much more fun. I'm kinda weird though because, once I see a girl and get to know them a bit I can anticipate what they are attracted to just like a "game." Every girl has a "game" with there own rules. I have my own rules too most of the time I can fallow them but there has been one time I have broken them. I never had any rules until I was two years into a relationship them I started coming up with them.

Its kinda funny how I came up with them. I was 18 years old almost 19 and I worked as a receptionist at a car dealer ship back in the fleet department. I was on the computer in a chat room with all these girls all were different age and personality like buffet. It got me thinking could I perdict a girls personality enough to play any girls "game." I call it a game because that is what it was to me a "game" every girl like I said has there own "game" and I am good at playing games. I know that that sounds cocky but its true Ill prove it later on in my story, back to the "game" and my rules I fallow to keep from falling and being heart broken...again

I have ten rules I always fallow.

(Rule 10) Know The Girls Rules.

(Rule 9) Test The Water.

(Rule 8) Watch Your Moods.

(Rule 7) Never Cross The Line.

(Rule 6) Watch your step.

(Rule 5) Make Them Cry.

(Rule 4) Avoid Arguments.

(Rule 3) Be A Gentle Woman.

(Rule 2) Keep Your Distance.

(Rule 1) NEVER SAY YOUR TRUE FEELINGS!

If all else fail and I started falling for a girl I cant fall for. I bail.

Like I was saying I was 18 almost 19 when I started this experiment if you will call it. Now for the experiment I impersonated a guy it made it simple for the most part. I picked three girls Sarah, Michelle, and Becky they were all different. Becky was the first and the youngest. She was innocent, sweet, happy, hyper, and just a preppy girl from Kentucky, she was kinda annoying to tell you the truth. Our conversations consisted of her saying I love you all the fucking time. Like I said every girl has there game she was into dicks like big dicks and bad boys but I was always a gentleman in her eyes.

Michelle came second she was the oldest. She is a party-er but in a stupid way. She is the kinda girl you go shit kayla is here I think I should go before she gets wasted and annoys me. She is nice dont get me wrong but the things she think and does is like really do you think I'm that stupid or are you really that stupid. She was is into the prince coming and sweeping you off your feet to go off and love each other forever. Yet she is determined that I was the ONE and that she will never be happy now beacuse she doesnt have me. She was extremely jealous that was the fun part of knowing her was pissing her off.

Sarah was the last... I liked her a lot she was really down to earth. She could sing and she was a fun party girl. If I were a guy or she was gay I would have fallen harder for her. Everything I like in a girl she is. Bitchy when needed let me do what I want to an extent. I really could have seen a future with her the only down side besides she was straight was that she has a lot of health issues. Either than that I dug the whole girly tomboy thing she had going for her. Her "game" was liking me for being me with her I didn't really have to be 100% fake. Thanks to those three girls I am able to flirt with anyone I felt comfortable flirting with.

_This chapeter is kinda lame but, you have to know this its impotant. This story is a 100% true except the names I changed for privacy purposes give me your ideas on my love life or opinions or whatever I dont care. SA_


	2. Chapter 2

_Unknown: I worked with a lot of guys and I based certin stuff what I observed and saw then it was trial and error and seeing what the girl seemed responded best._

_**I don't SON**_

_**Review and enjoy!**_

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><p>I pulled up at my new place of employment being brand new still I was nervous I really needed this job and I was very nervous about the whole thing. I looked over at my love, my heart Carmen.<p>

"Have a good day at work," She smiled at me I love her smile.

"I will. I love you," I kissed her and smiled.

"Love you too," I got out of the car looking back at her and waving. She waved back and drove off.

I didn't really pay mind as I clocked in. Calmly I walked to the kitchen I was a cook it really wasn't really a hard job I picked it up easily. I stood there for a second till a dark haired girl and the bosses wife, Ally, walk in to the back they both were laughing. I really wasn't paying attention to them as I sat there just analyzing the awkwardness of the moment.

"Oh hi," the brunette said finally noticing me, "you must be new, I'm Ashley." She stuck out her hand. Her smile kinda freaked me out only because it was a very beautiful genuine smile. No one ever gives me genuine smiles not even Carmen so it as kinda a curve ball.

"Uh yeah, I'm Spencer." I took her hand in mine it was way soft. I liked it.

"Ashley we just hired Spencer," I try not to laugh and make a smart ass comment. I mean really I think we just cleared that I was new. I could tell Ashley was thinking the same thought as me.

"That's great." Ashley said still trying not to laugh.

"Yeah and she is picking it up fast. We already like her." Now I am a very modest person or I just don't think much of myself so this compliant almost made me blush but, I didn't instead I just laughed.

The night went by smoothly not very busy but busy enough. Even though the night was semi-active it gave me enough time to observer the only person I had not observed yet, Ashley. It wasnt an a very deep observation or anything just a quick simple observation. Like I noticed Ashley was a smoker going in and out a lot but it was mostly to use her phone. She kinda gave off the persona of either doing or has done lots of drugs in her life, she looked like a party girl and not a druggie. She seemed like the tough but only to cover up whatever underling issues she has.

Again I didn't check her out just observed her like I did with everyone else. It wasn't till about 9 or 9:30 did I actually saw her. I walked into the bathroom to find her in the mop area, the mop area connected to the bathroom and is hardly big enough to fit all the mop stuff. So I stood outside the area watching and waiting.

"Oh hey," she was kinda standing there texting.

" Hey," I say patiently waiting for my turn to get my mop stuff.

"How was it today?" _Seriously?_ I thought making conversation at the mop station is kinda awkward. Inside my head I laughed causing a smirk to come on my face.

"It Was good," I reply.

"Do you like it here?" Again I tried not to be rude by saying its only been like three days. So I settle for a simple head nod. "That's good. Its pretty cool to work here. Ally and Rick are way cool," she smiled again. "Want me to show you how to use this?" Before I could reply with an answer she grabbed the mop bucket and started filling it. "I think this is your guys bucket." Inwardly I laughed because the way she just jumped in and did it with out knowing was cutie. Plus I kinda already knew how to work the soap dispenser so needless to say it was amusing watching her be helpful. A giggle kinda slipped out of my mouth by mistake, she lifted her head up and looked at me. That's when it hit me. She was beautiful.

In that instant I felt something bigger then I could ever imaged it was like the world seriously stopped spinning. I start internally freaking out this has never ever in my, almost, 22 years of life has this ever happened to me not even with Carmen and I love Carmen with everything. I am not saying I instanly loved this girl because I didn't.

When I was younger my grandma would tell me about how our family did this thing where we could sense things most people couldn't. " Sweetheart its not weird," she told me this while our family was visiting my grandmothers sister, " Your great grandfather, my dad, told me that he could sense things but, it wasn't weird." It seemed weird to me and she knew it. She proceed to tell me that everyone has the extra senses but, some aren't as strong as others and that some people just dont open there eyes to the world around them. Now being 14 at the time and being told that well I didnt believe at all. Over the years though I started believing in that stuff just because there were things I could never explained. This was one of those moments I can not explain it kinda felt like something inside of me clicked, I don't know what it was but, it clicked.

Standing there feeling as if I was still frozen in time I kinda found my self at a loss of words as I got lost in her gorgeous brown eyes, I knew I could look in her eyes forever. I felt like I could see inside her soul instantly knowing her story and it wasn't a happy one. Still standing there looking at her straight in her eyes time started moving she just smiled at me, "what?" Literally I was at a lost of words. Some how I mustered up enough composer to shrug a tilt my head to the side in a nothing motion. She stood straight up still looking at me, " no really, what?"

Still kinda disoriented I answer, "Uh, the water is going to overflow on you." I say dumbly. Really I thought to my self of all the things you could of said you said that. Inwardly I scolded myself.

"I see it," she says kinda sensing that really wasn't my issue but she dropped. We continued making small talk as she filled the buckets or should I say she talked and I just watched.

Getting off of work I see a white car sitting out its not my ride so I pay no mind. Carmen wasn't there yet so I just leaned on the rail irritated not that I care that she is late for me but more of the fact that I get yelled at if I'm late to pick her or anyone from her family up from anywhere. Yet I get the short end of the stick and picked up late. Sighing I sit on a bucket and lean my head back against the fence and close me eyes so I get control on my anger.

"HEY!" I snap my head up and look for the vioce; I see Ashley in the white car looking at me.

"Yea," I say standing up and walking over to the metal fence.

"You need a ride?" I smile

"Nah I'm good thanks there coming," I lean on the fence.

"You sure?" She is sweet, and it makes me nervous.

"Yea," at the time Carmen drove up "my ride just showed up. Thank you though."

"Not a problem I'll see you later."

"Later," I wave as they speed off.

"Who was that?" Carmen ask as I get in the car.

"Ashley," I say casually putting my seat belt.

"Ashley what?"

"No idea," She looks at me like I am lying and I'm not I never got her last name, " she works as a server."

"Is she gay?"

"What?" _Really? Why would I ask? That its not like I randomly walk up to people and ask that, _I think.

"Is she gay?" She repeats the question annoyed.

"I don't know," I've been with Carmen for five years and she is very jealous so I have to be careful how I answer these question. "I think she might be bi."

"Is she hot?"

"Yeah I guess. I'd fuck her."

"What makes you think she likes girls?"

"I don't know. Just this feeling I got while I was talking to her," I hate when she ask me questions like this. She makes me fell like I'm doing something wrong for noticing another girl.

"You like her?" She ask.

"Yeah she is a nice person," I tell her bluntly and truthfully but, that's not what she means.

"No I mean do you LIKE her?"

"She kinda scares me?" I answer truthfully.

"Why?" she looks at me as we pull into the driveway.

"I don't know. I got this feeling like she was into me." I lied. The feeling I got was no where near her instantly crushing on me but, I cant tell her what I really was feeling she would really get pissed. Not only would she probably stop talking to me for a week I just really don't want to fight.

"Oh so you got a girlfriend?" she accuses playfully and I thank god for that.

"Not even," I say acting offended.

"Yes even," she laughs.

"Whatever," I roll my eyes getting out of the car.

I felt bad for lying to Carmen but, it just seems like that's the only way I can handle her. In my defense though I have tried to be truthful to her; it just seems whether I'm truthful or not she doesn't believe me. So screw it if I'm gonna be accused I might as well be one. So I lie threw my teeth and if I get caught I deny it everything till I am blew in the face.

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><p><em>ok again another blah chapter but I have to write it like this for a minute because I had to introduce Ashley and what I felt and thought of her the first time I saw her.<em> _ Next chapter wont have a lot of Ashley just because I didn't see her very at first so it will most likely be more the down fall of me and Carmen the next few chapter with Ashley here and there. I swear this story is about me and Ashley. _


	3. Chapter 3

_**Breakdown6- I'm sorry my I'm make lots of writing mistake. I suck at English it was never my best class lol. I'll try to get better ;)**_

_**I dont Own S.O.N.**_

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><p>Today I'm working in the kitchen with Marc. I was on the grill and he was my sidekick. I was working on a burger and he was working on the garden for it. I wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing I was just thinking. I have been thinking a lot lately mostly about Carmen but, every once in a while I would think about Ashley.<p>

It has been two weeks since the first time I met Ashley we have had small conversations about random things but nothing big. Usually there is someone else in room talking with us sometimes its Aiden. Aiden is a douche there is no other way to explain it. He thinks he is hot shit but really he is just an idiot. He got this girl pregnant and is basically dating her but, is still trying to make time with Ashley. The fucking asshole thing seems to be working for him she is actually interested. Last time I checked though Ashley had a phyco boyfriend that like stalks her at work. Apparently though she likes assholes (I made a mental note.)

Most of the time though its Kelly ("my best friend") that sits and talks with us or should I say they talk I listen and observe. Kelly and I click but, if it came down to it she would just become another person who passed threw my life. Our friendship is weird because we can just tell when each is having a bad day for example she can tell when Carmen and I have gotten into a fight. It kinda irritates me though just cause if I wanted anyone to really know I would let them know.

For example yesterday I got to work pissed at the world because, Carmen and I got into a fight about cleaning. Apparently I suck at it and just should stop trying because, she just goes over what I cleaned again. Hey at least I tried to help, right? She also got pissed off because SHE wanted to clean the yard and wanted me to help and I didn't want to.

Now before you start thinking I am such a dick for not wanting to help let me just say, yes I am a dick. Really though I have four reasons why I didn't want to help. One we live in the desert there is no grass or trees or any kind of landscaping that need managed. Two last time we cleaned the yard the rain came and made all the weeds grow twice as big as the time before. Three her brother still owes me a weeded yard for a cell phone and the skate board we bought him with my hard earned because he was to lazy to look for a job and he just needed it, blah. Last but not least did I mention we live in the desert and its like 115 fucking degrees outside. So yeah I didn't want to help.

I didn't want her out there either because, I didn't want her to die of heat stroke but, no she did it anyways. Me being me and not wanting to be in the dog house any longer then I was went outside but, I bitched the whole time which pissed her off even more.

"_Why the fuck are you out here if you are just going to bitch the whole time?" She finally says looking at me after 60 min of my bitching. _

"_Because if I don't you will be pissed at me for not helping," which is true, I say still trying to get a blasted weed out of the ground. "This is so pointless they're just going to come back."_

"_Just go inside Spencer I'm done listening to you bitch. Your not really helping anyways your just making it worse," I look at her and I am pissed._

"_What the fuck! If I am just making it worse then why the fuck did you ask me to help?" She looks at me now she is pissed. _

"_Go in-fucking-side," her voice drops to dark level. This has happened a few times before an instantly my heart rate picks up and my senses are on edge. My mind instantly thinks, I cant out run her in a sprint but, if I can just get far enough ahead of her she cant catch me in the endurance part of it. Then I brace my self to be touched. I hate being touched when I get pissed but, she is stronger so I just wait to be hit or pushed, anything. So I take a step back. _

"_Fuck no," I say part of me tells me you idiot just go inside. The other part of my brain the stronger fighting part of my brain says no don't back down, so I don't. I stand my ground knowing whats going to happen. _

"_Fucking go inside!" She steps closer, the corner of my mind is watching the hoe in her hand anticipating its blow._

"_No fucking way." I say going back to weeding. She rips my hoe out of my hand. It hurts as I feel it's wooden handle leave splinters in my hand. I don't show any pain I wont let her get the satisfaction of knowing I'm hurt. "I'm not going to do it, I'm staying right here."_

"_Why are you being so immature. Cant you just do what I tell you and want to do it!" _

"_First off why in the hell would I want to come out here in 150 degree weather. Secondly I'm am mature enough for 22. We all cant be 40 in our mind like you!" I scream in frustration she always rides me about being more mature but, really I have a guys mind and I'm 22years old so all I want to do is have a good time and do what I please. I was so mad I didn't see it coming she pushed me hard and I stumbled back almost tripping, "What the fuck! Don't fucking touch me!" I say kinda scared but, not backing down._

"_Don't fucking say that shit to me firstly, secondly, I hate that shit." She pushes me again. Her pushes are getting harder there starting to sting really starting to hurt now. I know its getting bad and it is very important I leave before the situation gets worse. _

"_Fuck this shit." I say walking into the house slamming the door behind me. I walk into our room and slam that door as well. _

_I lay on our bed and close my eyes trying to collect myself. When all of a sudden Carmen burst into the room. Out of reaction I stood up only to be pushed back down, I put my hands up to my chest were she pushed me the pain is searing. I feel the tears starting fall due to the pain._

"_Don't fucking slam the doors you immature brat. We don't have the money to be fixing things you break." I sit up and look at her still crying, she looks at me with so much anger I was definitely scared. I held my breath not wanting to make a movement that could make her go over the edge. She whips her hair around and she is gone. I sit there and cry for a good hour before I get up start getting ready for work. _

_Later..._

"_What is wrong with you?" I look up and see Kelly standing there looking at me toast a bun. _

"_What?" I laugh. _

"_What is wrong with you?" _

"_Nothing, Why would there be something wrong?"_

"_Don't fucking lie to me Spencer," she glares at me in a fake threatening way._

"_Nothing is wrong," I lie._

"_LIER!" She yells. I laugh at her. One because, I like making her irritated at me it entertaining. Two because again if I wanted to tell her I would._

"_Fine. Don't believe me," I shrug and turning my attention to the bun. _

"_You're gonna tell me eventually, so why don't you just tell me now." _

"_Because," I say a little irritated, "if I wanted to tell you right now I would but, I don't. Not right now anyway maybe later," _

"_UGH! fine," she then walks away to check her tables. I shake my head that girl is out of her mind I thin with a chuckle._

I did tell her about the fight but, I didn't give her all the details to the fight because, like I said its none of her business. She listened and tried to convince me to break up with Carmen, why? I don't know. She just doesn't like Carmen. She even went to the extent of bringing Ashley into the conversation who also said I should break up with her. I personally don't think I should be taking advice from Kelly who has her own relationship issues or Ashley who is dating a mental patient.

Its not like I haven't thought about breaking up with Carmen and its not like I haven't tried to break up with her either. Its just I love her and with me if I love you, it means I love you. So imaging a life with out her is like imaging not breathing.

"HEY!" I was snapped out of my thought. I turn to look at Ashley who was standing on the other side of the heat lamp. "Is my order done?"

"I don't know. It doesn't look like it. I don't remember yelling order up," I smile playfully.

"Smart ass," she laughs, "how much longer?"

"Right now." I say as I put the burger on then adding the fries and handing it to her through the window. She looks at it, I turn back to the grill to finish off the next burger.

"This isn't suppose to have tomato on it," she still is looking at the burger and the ticket.

"The order didn't say that." I say looking at her as I put the next order in the window.

"Yes it did." She she says with a little attitude. "I should know I put it threw."

"No it didn't let me see," she hands me the ticket and put the food under the warmer.

"I'm not taking this out there with the tomato on there." I look at the ticket _shit _I think as I see the ticket did in fact say no tomato. I really don't want her to think she won and I kinda felt like messing with her.

"Oh...my bad. Well just take it off then." I shrug then go back to the grill.

"No you take it off. Your the one that messed it up." Kelly comes back to grab her order then looks at our stand off.

"Yeah but its not my tip," I smirk at her.

"You're such a dick," she says taking the tomato off.

"Yup it happens," I smile at her. She takes her food and starts to stalk off. "hey, you might want to leave the tomatoes," I yell after her. She turns around and throws them at me one missed me and the other hit me just below my chest, I laugh as well as everyone else even Ashley shook her head and laughed.

"Your such a jerk," Kelly laughs as she walks away. I nod with a smile. I look over at Marc.

"That was great," he laughs. "So who would you chose Kelly, Ashley or Amanda?" I lean on the counter arms crossed.

"Amanda I would never touch even with a ten-foot pole." He laughs but, he knew it was true. That girl I swear you could catch something just by looking at her. She is so easy that when people go how easy is she they answer shit as easy 1 plus 1. I know that was pretty lame example but you get the idea. "I like Kelly cuz she is feisty and I like feisty girls but she just doesn't float my boat if you know what I mean." he nods in a I understand kinda way, "I guess I choose Ashley cuz she is a bitch and that is such a turn on and she is fucking hot. Dude I'd fuck her," I laugh and he laughs again. Out of the corner of my eye I see a body come around the corner. It was Ashley I look over at Marc and he looks at me, we start laughing.

"What the hell are you laughing at?" She asks, I shrug "Ugh! fine. I'm hungry can you make me something?" With that she was over it. The rest of my night consisted on being a smart ass to both Kelly and Ashley it was entertaining enough to take my mind of the pending problems with Carmen and mine relationship for the moment.


	4. Chapter 4

Closing time came and I was standing outside hosing of the kitchen mats. I was just stalling because I really didn't feel like going back in to clean the kitchen. It comes to no shock that I wasn't paying attention to the car that pulled up I just kept to my business. Even though I was trying to keep my attention off the car I just couldn't because the girl inside of the car was starting at me just as I finally got the balls to say something Ashley comes walking out, I stop rinsing the mat and just watch her. She Noticed.

"What," she asked looking up from her phone.

"Nothing just waiting to for you to get out of the way," I smiled, " unless you want me to get you wet." two seconds after I kinda realized that sounded way wrong. As I went to correct myself she reply's.

"I might." her words are laced with so much flirtatiousness it caught me like a slap to the head. I laugh out of reaction and she start heading for her ride with that cocky smile of hers that I had grown so fond. She had one up-ed me, I could not have that. Thinking real fast I spray the floor about half a foot in front of her causing her to scream. She glares at me and I laugh.

"You said you wanted me to get you wet. Now not only do you throw like a girl you also scream like one to," yes, what I said was really lame but it was the first thing that came to mind.

"Dork."

"Your a dork," she laughs. In reality I hadn't meant to reply like that it was just the first thing that popped in my head. If it wasn't for my skill in playing cool I would totally reflect how stupid I felt for making that comment, she smiles at me and gets in the car. When the car is out of sight I slap my self in the forehead. Usually I'm a smoother flirt but with her I'm not even close to smooth, its quiet frustrating actually.

I flirt with Kelly its easy. I don't like Kelly in a romantic aspect but its still fun to freak her out. I have flirted with a number of girl and it was easy. Even Carmen was easy hell I loved flirting with Carmen she would get so flustered and irritated plus it pissed both my mom and dad off.

Lately though we don't flirt or really have anything physical not that I am saying physical is all that mattered because it doesn't. When we do have sex it doesn't feel like we're having it other then to relive stress. In fact I wouldn't even call it a stress reliever maybe for her. If I had a choice I wouldn't fuck her on some of the nights I did because I just didn't feel like we connected. Again it was as if I wasn't good enough at least in her eyes. It hurt a lot. I remember crying to sleep after more then one occasions because she would tell me I wasn't good enough.

When I would deny her she would guilt trip me saying I didn't love her or something like that. She just doesn't understand if your gonna put me down again and again. I'm going to pull away and I told her this. My parents always put me down and I was never good enough, now look I live 1,300 miles away and I don't miss them at all. So I guess I have pulled away from carmen but thats what I do when I dont feel like im good enough and given up. I know I should brake up with her because, I am unhappy and she is too but like I've said before I cant. She is the girl of my dreams and the girl of my nightmare.

The harder I try the less I feel we are good for each other. I look at her in the car there is enough light to see her face its cold and dark. I see no love for me at all. A pain rips through my chest I look out the window taking a deep breathe. A single tear rolls down my cheek its the end I know it.

"Don't let me go," I say staring out the window. I know she turns and looks at me. I start to remember my dad when him and my mother where having a hard times. Even though he is asshole he is my father and right now I know how he felt when he realized it was the end.

We get home she goes to bed and I just lay there. In that moment our whole relationship is right there in my head. I don't get it I have done my best even when I knew it wouldn't be enough. For the past 5 years I have been trying to be what she wants me to be all I want to do is please her. I've isolated my self from my family. I stole things to feed her family and it was never appreciated. I worked hard to keep them happy and respect them as much as I could. I have no money because it all goes to there wants and their needs. Yet when I want something forget about it expect me to get put down and made to feel like shit. Without me they would struggle hardcore. I know I make it sound like I think I'm all that but really I'm not. Carmen cant say no to her mom or brother so if they want something they get it. It my money I worked for that bought them all there cell phones. It was me that got the food for the house and none of it was anything I liked to eat. When there was never anything to eat it was her mother her and her brother that got the first priority when it came to eating.

"I think we should take a break," I was brought out of my thoughts. I sit up.

"What?"

"This isn't working," my chest starts burning, it feels like she has stabbed me.

"Your kidding right," she doesn't say anything, "why?" she doesn't answer again, "please I can do better," I start hyperventilating. Though its already dark in the room I can feel the darkness surrounding me. A numbing feeling comes over me. I don't even feel like I'm me anymore. I don't feel like I'm even in my body. Its just this feeling of watching helplessly as the girl I love lets go of me and the past five years we had.

"You need to calm down." her voice is foggy and distant. "Stop breathing like that which just makes it worse," all this time I keep saying I can do better I can do better please. "Spence its not you I just am not getting what I need from you and what I am getting isn't enough." I cant keep a hold of my thoughts everything I am thinking is coming out like I am mentally breaking down.

"Everyone I love or ever have love leaves me or doesn't love me. Fuck I'm so fucking stupid. I knew I should have never believed you," I stand up and start pacing the lack of air makes me want to pass out but I keep pacing and hyperventilating. Out of nowhere Carmen is in front of me and she grabs my arms to keep me from moving. "You need to fucking let theme the fuck go," my voice drops.

"There are other people sleeping. You need to clam the fuck down and shut up." I'm so numb I cant feel if she is squeezing hard enough to leave marks.

"Fuck that I don't give a fuck. Let fucking go of me!" I screamed only to slapped across the face. I can tell she slapped me hard by the tears rolling down my face are pouring out harder. I don't know what I was thinking but I pushed her back. I know once the action is done it was a bad move before I can think or move I am pushed back into the wall. My head hits kinda shaking my world. There is a force on my throat, making it harder to breathe. I pull my hands up to try and get what ever it is away from my throat. Its Carmen's hand I cant pull it away from me.

"Lay down," she says in a low voice letting go me I cautiously walk by her and lay down on the bed. She joins me a few minutes later. "maybe if you change we can be official again but for now we need a trail separation."

"why?" I still dare not move.

"Because this is not the life I want. You aren't giving me what I need mentally and barely physically. You need to grow up. I want a family Spencer and you can barely take care of yourself. You cant clean, you don't do laundry, we never spend anytime together because you chose work over me and when you are home all you want to do is lay around and play your games. I love you Spencer I do with all my heart I just am not happy I haven't been for a long time." she tries to hold me for a second I let her my body is so use to her that I relax and let everything sink in. Her touch and her words start to burn me inside and out.

"I can do all of that Carmen. I don't do it your way but I can do it all by myself. I don't know why you cant understand I cant be what you want because this is me." I take her arm off of me, "please don't touch me, I'll do my best to change for you but if you cant except me for who I am then I don't know exactly how this is going to work."

"Then apparently you don't love me as much as you say you do." I sit up and look at her. _eally right now _

"No, Carmen I love you way more then you love me because I don't make you change I don't even ask you to change. I love you for you and that includes the things that bother me."

"What do I have to change then."_ Hello really you just slapped and chocked the shit out of me and your asking what you have to change! _

"Nothing that's the point" I sigh feeling tired and emotionally drained.

"That doesn't make any sense if you want me to change then let me know what it is that needs to be changed," her anger is rising again. Deciding its in my best interest not to push my luck further I drop it.

"Nothing you are fine the way you are and if you don't get it then you don't. Lets just drop it OK leave me alone good night." I turn back over and lay there quietly

"Just change Carls please, I love you."


End file.

South of Nowhere