Harry Potter 1. Chapter 1

My best friend is James Potter. Yesterday he turned 14. Amoung the happy hours that were his birthday party, I learned something. Something he he didn't seem to plan on telling any of us.

My best friend is James Potter, and he has a death wish.

Yes, it's true, you have, indeed, read correctly. He has a death wish, and not for one Snivellus like one might assume. He's quite set on ending his own life.

Granted, he might not see that his death is the inevitable outcome, bit it is what will happen unfortunately. If that Trelawney character knew, she'd certainly agree, and not just because all of those fits she calls visions are morbid as my mum on Muggle borns. It's fact. He's sealed his fate for an untimely death.

Who, you ask, will be to blame for his death, aside from himself? None other than that vile Lily Evans. Yes. The very same who is ALWAYS and ENDLESSLY calling James and I pigheaded toe rags. She's not even original. I don't know what he sees in her.

Oh. Sorry. I've just lost you, haven't I? James fancies her. Mad, I know, but I blame his eyesight. He's too blind to notice how awful she is. This is why he'll die. Damn his speccy self!

Right. On to the point. James plans on actually making a move on Evans. No, he didn't tell me, obviously, but I know him too well. Okay, so Remus knows him too well. But now Remus has made me aware f the fact that James fancies the devil woman, I see all. I'm like God. All and knowing and whatnot. With my faithful adviser, of course. Yes, I mean Remus, keep up will you?

So, if you're as concerned for James' well being as I am, you're wondering what I'm doing here, writing this while his life is in danger. The answer is quite obvious. Two reasons. One, he'll know I know if I try to save him and then avoid me and ruin all reasons for number two: When he dies, I need solid evidence that Evans is at fault. Just because James is suicidal, doesn't mean she has to help.

Having stated the above, I pronounce this the documentation os the Suicidal Attempts of Mr. James Potter and the Assistance of Miss Lily Evans.

-Sirius Black.


	2. Chapter 2

I think I'm going to be sick. On James' bed. He's done something absolutely awful. Horrid I say. Vile and disturbing. Just like Evans herself.

I was rummaging under Pete's bed just a minute ago looking for one of my trainers next to a pile of sweet wrappers and I find this disgusting piece of rubbish:

Dear Evans,

You dwell deep in my heart.  
I've got daring and never and chivalry.  
We mustn't be apart.  
Your wit beyond measure,  
Is my greatest treasure.  
and. You're unafraid of toil.  
You've got no Slytherin in you.

Meet me under the tallest tree at the lake after dinner?  
-Your Secret Admirer

It doesn't even RHYME! It's not poetic at all! If he's going to die, he should do it with style. and honestly? He stole all of that from the Sorting hat, and ripped it's wisdom to shreds. Beastly thing to do. Anyway. It's disgusting and there were others much like it. The worst of it, yes, there are worse things than his attempt at poetry, is that he tried to blame it on Peter! And it's clearly belonging to James! His handwriting and all. You'd think that with all the wit he has to pull off a prank would give him enough sense to modify is handwriting. Then, perhaps, if I didn't know all, being God and all, I'd assume Pete fancied the barking mad girl.

I really hope James didn't send one of these to Evans. She's rip his face off in a second. If she knew as well as God(Me, obviously) .

I should probably tell Pete. Nah, he'd tell James. He'd ruin everything.

Just heard a shriek from the Common Room. Owl was attacking Evans. She set the letter from it on fire upon reading it. James nowhere to be found. The poof can't make it more obvious. I hope he hates his skin. Sure Evans has the steady hands and necessary tools to pull off such a procedure. 


	3. Chapter 3

It's been a week since the letter incident. James is fully intact yet. Evans is thicker than I thought.

James still hasn't fessed up about his little crush. I'm quite insulted. He's not even telling his best mates about his creepy love for dragon lady! If she ever consented to dating him, highly doubtful as it is, how does he expect us to keep from finding out? I've been talking to Remus about it and he's suggested we hole an intervention. I quite agree.

-

Had intervention. Severely angry. Peter knew! And didn't tell! IF either Remus or I told Pete something, he dashes off for James without a moments hesitation. James confides in him and the bloody toss pot keeps it from us! I can see who's the favourite here. Hmpf.

Presses for the reason, however, and you know what the prat said? Said we were too young to understand. I'm three weeks younger than that blast-ended skank! And! He's only just turned 14! And Remus is loads smarter than him, so all of that age rubbish is useless. Look at Peter! Stupid Sheep.

Might take a leaf from Evans' book and refer to the traitors as Potter and Pettigrew. Yeah, that'll teach them.

**AN: Uhh...yeah. Review, please?**


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Harry Potter, Humor