Danny Phantom Home and Hearth

Disclaimer: I don't own DP.

BGM: "Toki wo Kizamu Uta" ("The Song that Ticks Away Time") by Lia.

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Leaving Home

Betelgeuse Middle School  
Amity Park, NY  
January 1, 2002,

Dear Sam,

Are you okay?

Sincerely,

Danny Fenton

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Some forsaken rock in Switzerland  
February 4, 2002

Danny,

How do you think I am? Finishing school. My parents actually sent me to finishing school. This stinks.

If you don't want your next letter to be delayed, forget my parents. Just go straight to my Grandma Ida. She lives in the attic, and she's awesome.

Sam (NOT Samantha) Manson

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2652 Lacey Blvd.  
Amity Park, NY  
February 12, 2002

Dear Sam,

No, really, are you okay?

I don't know what you mean by your parents, either. I just asked Jazz how many stamps I'd need for a letter to Europe, got lectured, and stuck this in the mail.

What do you mean finishing school? Isn't that for really rich kids?

Worriedly Yours,

Danny Fenton

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Madame Alexandra's Finishing School for Disrespectful Girls  
Switzerland  
February 23, 2002

Danny,

"Worriedly Yours", very funny. Yes, it's for rich kids. My great-grandfather invented the deli toothpick cellophane twirling machine. No, I will not lend you money.

I'm fine.

Sam

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Betelgeuse Middle School  
Amity Park, NY  
March 9, 2002

Dear Sam,

WHAT? And I didn't ask for money. I wouldn't if I could! You should know that.

Okay, Tucker might, but he's not writing this.

_Now I am._

Stop stealing the paper!

_Then let me dictate._

No. Now stop it, I only have one piece of notebook paper left, and I don't want to have to sneak it out of the copier when Ms. Frantz isn't looking.

_Spoilsport. Hey, are you really rich? 'Cause I've got some investment opportunities I've been looking into-_

**STOP IT NOW.**

_Touchy, touchy. Seriously though, you can't be fine-_

Okay, he's distracted. Mikey spilled a soda, long story. Tucker's right, though. (I can hear you laughing from here. Stop it.) You just got dragged across the Atlantic Ocean and then some, with practically no warning. How did that happen?

Gotta go, teacher's coming.

Danny

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The Finishing School from Hell  
Switzerland  
March 14, 2002

Dear Danny,

I hate this place. I hate this place with the fury of a thousand burning suns. They made me take out all my piercings! I have to grow my hair out evenly and wear a uniform, with long sleeves and knee socks and Mary Janes and everything. Ew. It's not my fault everyone else here is like some creepy, bitchy living doll out of the _The Stepford Wives_ and _Mean Girls_ put together.

If Tucker ever finds out I know what Mean Girls is, I will hurt you. Yes, from across the ocean.

With that out of the way, short version? Apparently unlocking the petting zoo on our last field trip was the last straw. Also, my parents hate me.

I guess I'm kind of lucky, in a really nasty, backhanded sort of way. Enough of the people at school speak English that I'm not completely out of my depth. And I'm learning German and French. At least those might actually be useful, unlike freaking Latin. I'm not Catholic, or even Christian, so why do I need to learn it? Ugh.

So what's going on with you?

PO'd,

Sam

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2652 Lacey Blvd.  
Amity Park, NY  
March 23, 2002

Dear Sam,

What kind of parents seriously do that?

_Yeah, my Dad might joke about sending me off to military school if I try to rewire the house again, but we all know he wouldn't actually do it._

Tucker: Please stop trying to help. I don't think it's going to work. And would you stop stealing the paper?

Sorry about that. Really, though, do you think you'll be okay?

And what was that about your grandma? I wouldn't ask, it's just that I've pretty much cleaned out my savings paying for all this international mail, and Mom won't give me any more advances on my allowance. Sorry. I don't want to be a bother.

Yours,

Danny

P.S. Your AIM account is down. Do you have a new one? If not, what's your e-mail?

* * *

Finishing School  
Switzerland  
April 2, 2002

Danny,

Mine, apparently. Can we talk about something less depressing? How are your parents, and your sister?

Grandma: Go to my house (just use MapQuest for directions). Enter through the **back** or **side entrances**, not the front. My parents probably won't let you in. I only got Mom to allow letters to one friend by threatening to- Well, what I did isn't important. (And she might be reading this.) Ask for Mrs. Jenkins. She's a housekeeper, middle-aged, average height, kind of fat, redhead, freckles. Or find Butch Brown. I know how his name sounds, but he's one of the gardeners, he's about seventy years old and refuses to retire, and he's kind of like the cool uncle I wish I had. Just look for a guy with all white hair and a giant mustache wearing overalls and gardening gloves. They'll get you in contact with Grandma Ida. She'll be in a wheelchair or a motorized scooter, she likes band T-shirts and is probably the coolest little old lady in existence. The other house staff might help you, but it's better not to risk it. It's complicated.

And this school doesn't have Internet access. Trust my mother to find the one school in the entire country that's still stuck in the 1800s. I can't even use the phone! Well, once a month, but I can only call my family, and I'd really rather not risk getting those two.

By the way, what's with all the written conversations with you and Tucker?

Missing You Dorks,

Sam

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2652 Lacey Blvd.  
Amity Park, NY  
April 17, 2002

Dear Sam,

What about summer vacation? Can you at least come home for that?

_And is all this cloak-and-dagger sneaking around really necessary? I mean, it's just your grandmother._

Tucker…

_What? She asked._

Sam, sorry the paper got crumpled. Do you remember how Ms. Frantz has everyone write journal entries for the first ten minutes of class on Mondays? I wrote my third letter during journal time. Tucker was supposed to be on watch, but we wound up using the draft to pass notes, and the post office was closing, and I'm not sure what now. Maybe I could have Tucker stand watch so he couldn't read over my shoulder. Do you want us to stop?

_Say no._

Know any good tricks for keeping nosy friends out of my room? And really, are you sure it's okay to ask your grandmother for money? It seems kind of rude. No, wait, that's not quite the right word.

Sorry about that. Jazz came in, and I had to tell her this was a school project. She's been really nosy ever since you left, and I think it's getting worse. Apparently, I'm in denial about my true feelings and I'm in fact horribly depressed over you leaving. I'm not depressed! I'm worried about you. And mad at your parents. Not depressed. If Jazz is so brilliant and perfect, why can't she think of a way to fix this?

Oh, yeah, and my parents are fine. Same as ever.

Not Depressed,

Danny

* * *

Finishing School  
Switzerland  
April 29, 2002

Dear Danny (and Tucker),

Don't stop. Really, don't. I think your letters are the only thing keeping me sane at this point. The workload here is ridiculous. On top of normal classes (taught mostly in German, by the way), I have to take etiquette courses. Etiquette. Kill me now. Who cares which fork is the salad fork and which is the shrimp fork? I don't eat meat or fish! Even if I ate fish, I wouldn't eat shrimp.

I almost miss Tucker annoying me. That's almost miss, you nosy geek.

I miss Amity Park. I miss the park, I miss Danny spazzing out over Venus being visible (don't deny it), I miss tofu wraps and the gardens and I even miss running from Mrs. Fenton's cooking. I want to be home. …But I can't go home, because I'm still a minor and I'd have to stay with my biological parents. No. I'd rather eat live slugs than live under the same roof as those traitors.

Yes, it is necessary. Just talk to her. And no, I can't come home for summer vacation even if I was willing to stay with those two. Swiss schools are all on different schedules. There's five or six short breaks instead of three short and one really long. It's a boarding school, anyway, so they have facilities for students that live too far to travel home. I wouldn't mind the trip, if not for the fact that Mummy and Daddy Dearest would insist on picking me up in person. Can't miss a golden PR opportunity, after all – "The Prodigal Daughter Comes Home!" I can already see the tabloids. Barf.

Sick and Tired of This,

Sam

* * *

Finishing School  
Switzerland  
May 28, 2002

Dear Danny (and Tucker),

Why aren't you replying? Did my parents get to you?

Are you guys okay?

Not Worried,

Sam

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2649 Lacey Blvd.  
Amity Park, NY  
June 19, 2002

Dear Sam,

I am so, so sorry it's taken me so long to reply. Things have gone completely crazy! Mom and Dad have literally had to give me my own security system just so the paparazzi will leave me alone. I'd say "don't ask", but it's kind of important.

First, I went to see your Grandma Ida. Hang on, Tucker wants to take o-

_Yeah, hi. I'll take this one. Okay, for starters, you didn't mention you live in a palace! I think I saw gold leaf in a few places. How rich __are__ you?_

Tucker! Finish the story!

_All right, all right. Sheesh. You know, I can totally see where you get it. Your grandmother is terrifying. The first thing she did was give us the royal stink-eye. I thought I was going to pass out! Dude, Wite-Out. What do you mean, you're out? Okay, Danny stinks, a lot. I'm making faces, since you can't see._

Tucker is now banned from this letter. Until he stops wasting space on insults.

_Why are we writing this down again? Ow! You know, for the town bully magnet, Danny's punches are surprisingly painful._

Thank you for that entirely pointless aside, Tucker. Anyway, after the meeting with your grandmother, we left with a key to one of her P.O. boxes. Do I want to know why an old lady has multiple post office boxes in multiple post offices, in more than one city?

_Yeah, that was pretty much what I thought, too. In a way, I got lucky. That was pretty much the end of it for me._

Mostly, yeah. Moving on-

_Dude. Tell her. I'm not telling her._

Blackmailing jerk. Okay, short version? I tried writing a draft reply to the letter you wrote at the beginning of April, and it peripherally mentioned you being rich. Then we got another one in early May, and I threw the draft in the trash.

_And he didn't shred it first._

Tucker! Darn it, who would be digging through my family's trash? My parents are the town crackpots. Everyone knows it. Who would bother?

_Looks like someone did, because a few weeks ago, right after the visit to your scary angry grandma, Danny got ambushed by reporters wanting to know about, get this: "The rebellious Manson heir's long-distance boyfriend." You guys are twelve. That's just nasty._

I'm not writing it down.

_Okay, so he did this really funny impression of a tomato- Ow! Then, you won't believe this, but Dash showed up and made a big fuss about "those jerks messing with his personal punching bag." And they were shooting the whole thing live! Let's just say Baxter is in big trouble._

Okay, that part was pretty funny.

_The problem was that before Dash showed up, Danny blurted out his big secret to the entire school, and all the reporters. Dude, tell her now before she gets the story secondhand and telepathically strangles you from Switzerland._

I told them I was your long-distance pen pal, not your boyfriend. Like Tucker said, we're twelve.

_And?_

Sam, I have a crush on you.

_Now was that so hard?_

Tucker has again been banned for being a jerk. Again, I am so sorry about any trouble I might have caused you from across the Atlantic Ocean. Some friend I am.

With Most Sincere Apologies,

Daniel Fenton

_P.S._ _Tucker again. So, yeah, one of the reporters heard that. It's all over the Internet, though so far it's mostly only popular here in Amity Park._

_I tried to get rid of all the copies, but I can't hack film. Sorry._

_Oh, and happy birthday to me. Yippee.  
_

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A/N: Yet another mutated oneshot. Was originally supposed to be short and poignant, turned into what is either a long-distance love story or a parody of one. I'm not so sure myself.

Betelgeuse Middle School is a reference to the movie "Beetlejuice", and an astronomical reference. Amity Park is in no particular place in canon, and I've just randomly picked New York state for this story. Yes, I know the addresses are incomplete. The name of the fictional school is probably Sam being snarky. I only barely researched the Swiss school system, so if a Swiss person is reading this and there are any errors, feel free to point them out.

Also, if anyone has any tips regarding characterization, please share. Please read and review. That's all.


End file.

Danny Phantom, Drama, Humor