Harry Potter 1. About the Author

**Disclaimer**Own nothing HP. No need to sue.

**_About the Author: The Wonderful, Great Lockhart - ME_**

Hello wizards, witches, goblins, giants, Hippogriffs...or any kind of magical being you may be (though no more magical than me)! Now, now, don't be shy – I understand that the very _thought_ of me (_gasp)_ excites your me-obsessed mind, let alone the knowledge that I, Gilderoy Lockhart (Order of Merlin Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award) have actually _written_ this very collection of parchments lying on your hands right now. Yes, thank you, I do try.

Well, as you can see from the title on this very page, this particular section of my book (_A Comprehensive Guide to the Magic World)_ is entirely dedicated to, yes – you're right…ME! And I imagine that you, my lovely reader (though no lovelier than me), are now holding this delicately-sewn book (funded and published by the O_fficial House-Elf Publishing Corporation_) with great trepidation - Well…continue on! I have always personally enjoyed the thoughts of having my fans getting hypertension/hyperventilation over me. Ah! Time is ticking, ink is trickling…and I still haven't started on myself yet! Shall we begin with some little facts first?

I, Gilderoy Lockhart (Order of Merlin Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, am born on June 16th of a fateful year Before Merlin (I won't go into detail as to exactly which year, as to I think not it will matter) in a luxurious castle built by one of the most renowned goblin architect at that time, Gruey Goblio. It was quite unfortunate that my dear mother, Princess Lily Hams Lockhart, died in attempt to deliver her beautiful baby – which was of course, me. For that reason, my father, Sir Wilfred Lockhart, who was knighted by Queen Hams on his twelfth birthday, treated me with special added care and love, just like a prince (yes, the royalty in my blood is _undeniable_). _(sigh)_ I remember how my dad the dearest used to permit to practice my spells on our ugly, low-class house-elves…(no offense to the_ Official House-Elf Publish Co-op_, of course)

Oh, speaking of spells, I know many of you fans have been wondering if the recent rumor that have been going around. Yes, it is true – I, Gilderoy Lockhart Order of Merlin Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award), have indeed earned myself exactly ten O.W.L.s during my senior year at Hogwarts. (_sigh)_ What a proud Ravenclaw (NO, I was NOT a Hufflepuff in Hogwarts, as certain jealous, old classmates of mine have rumored) I was! I remember winning the House Cup for Ravenclaw consecutively for seven years…You cannot possibly imagine how popular I was back then in my school days (oh, but of course you can!). All in all, my school days bring me back quite some jocund memories. And I'm sure that you, my reader, would LOVE to know more about me (of course!), and trust me, you will, during my later chapters (e.g. how I won the Quidditch Cup by catching the Snitch within seconds, and how I fought off a vampire I've encountered on one of my journies, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera). I mean, really, how can I possibly write a book about the magic world and not include someone as important as myself?

Anyway, I have written this book in hopes that it will help newcomers from all over the world to enjoy and learn about the way us Londoners, as English muggles say, live life.

So, my dear reader, _enjoy_, and as I always say to my screaming fans, _live life the Lockhart way_.


	2. Grisly Goblins of Gringotts the Grand

_**Chapter I: Grisly Goblins of Gringotts the Grand**_

**Disclaimer** I do not own any magical creatures seen. Hmm, I actually did quite a bit of research regarding the history of Goblins, utilizing various sources.

**A/N **Thanks goes to _Cori Aileen_ for being my first reviewer, and _Sora. The Angel of Sky_ (cool name by the way) for adding me to her Favorites!

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As a newcomer to the Magic World, one must understand the two rules of survival. Number one – Don't ever irritate a goblin. Number two – Don't ever irritate a goblin working in Gringotts.

I still remember vividly (and lividly) to this day, the first time I ever came face to face with a goblin. It was, of course, in the Gringotts Bank, and I believe I was eight years old at that time (what a charming boy I was back then!) when I came with my lovely Aunt Lily. I have to admit, the very first thing that caught my young though inquisitive eyes was not that luxurious external structure of the snowy-white bank, nor the customers of bizarre countenances weaving in and out of the bronze doors, but rather a simple, delicately hand-written sign standing in the front door. The inscription read:

_Enter, stranger, but take heed  
Of what awaits the sin of greed.  
For those who take, but do not earn  
Must pay most dearly in their turn.  
So if you seek beneath our floors  
A treasure that was never yours.  
Thief, you have been warned, beware  
Of finding more than treasure there._

I'm assuming that you, my dear reader, might be wondering at this very moment right now how someone even as brilliant as myself is of the awing capacity of reading at the age of eight (_gasp_). Well…not to be showing off or anything, but quite frankly, I have known at a very young age that I was not like other kids (_shakes head modestly)_ Honestly, the sniggers (my age) in my neighborhood were playing with their toy broomsticks when I was finishing my first sonnet! (_shakes head modestly again)_ Afterall, I _am_ a Order of Merlin Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League, and a _five-time winner_ of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award.

Anyway, to make things easier to understand, let me start by shedding some light on the goblin history:

Goblins have always been reputed to be very violent creatures, and have staged numerous uprisings in their history of relations with wizards (it was rumored that they're being oppressed by the Ministry of Magic – NOT a personal opinion). Many goblin rebellions took place in the seventeenth century. Their running of Gringotts seems to be part of the Ministry's philosophy of putting potentially dangerous creatures to work they work the best (just like the Dementors in Azkaban). So believe it or not, working at Gringotts is actually quite a suitable occupation for these pixie-like creatures with pointy, ears – since not only are they cunning and clever, they are quite greedy as well (putting the thieves with mischievous endeavors in a very dangerous position).

Oh look, the wonderful Lockhart even wrote down somenames of several historically famous goblins for you (yes, I admit I'm also a historian besides the brilliant man I already am):

Elfric the Eager

Eargit the Ugly

Alguff the Awful

Ug the Unreliable

Urg the Unclean

Gringott (wow!)

So as you can see, my dear reader, goblins are quite…useful creatures, you could say. And when they're not busy protecting the gold in Gringotts, they can be quite welcoming as well (unfortunately, the one goblin I first met in Gringotts was not the most benign…)

In short, Gringotts is the only known bank (notice I said the only _known_ bank) of the wizarding world. It is, of course, primarily operated by goblins. Wizards and witches keep their money and other valuables in vaults so that they can be protected by the complex and strong security measures conducted by the goblins. It is rumored that dragons guard the especially high security vaults (I actually had the pleasure of seeing one before, since I _am_ one of Gringotts' most prior customer, after all).

My final piece of advice for you, my newcomer to the magic world, is to take heed when making a trip to the wizarding bank – and remember…_never make fun of a goblin's ears_ (as the result will be the most gruesomely horrible, and painful…trust me, I speak from experience _gasping labouredly as painful memories flood back_).

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_**A Wonderful Chapter Done by the One and Only – Gilderoy Lockhart **(didn't you just love it?)_


	3. Famous Elites Part I Albus Dumbledore

**_Chapter 2: Famous Elites Part I – _Albus Dumbledore (_my good ol' buddy!)_**

**Disclaimer **I. Don't. Own. Any. HP. Characters. Is that clear?

**A/N** Hmm…thanks goes to **Anamaga**, **I-Pod Freak**, and **Tavril** for reviewing my story! Although my story is not doing as well as I expected it to, it still a great feeling knowing at least _someone _likes it. Enjoy.

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"_He has done things with a wand I'd never seen before."_ Said Griselda Marchbanks, the gorgeous Head of Wizarding Examinations Authority on the interview I have conducted on the subject of, of course, my dear friend, Albus Dumbledore, Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards, and Order of Merlin First Class - for Grand Sorcery (now, that's not a lot of honors compared to someone like myself, is it?)

Indeed, Albus is a great man. At the age of 150-years-old, he has accomplished more than any other century-old men have (not that there are many). From a Transfiguration professor to the Headmaster of Hogwarts: School for Witchcraft and Wizardry , he has certainly been very dedicating and committed to educating the young.

"Professor Dumbledore? He – he is great. Really. Probably the most brilliant Headmaster Hogwarts ever had!" Said Harry Potter delightfully (yes, Harry Potter – the Boy-Who-Lived) to me on one of my many excursions to Hogwarts.

Certainly, those words do mean _something_ since it came from the young Harry, whom I have to say I have taken a personal liking to. A boy with a traumatized history as him, I say, would speak words as honorable as myself. Ah, what a pleasant boy Harry was! Asking me for my autographs…even requested to take pictures with me! Hmm…I guess I should be moving on…

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore was born on the 13th of June on 1845. His name, according to himself, was given by his mother, Bridget Danicae Bern Dumbledore. The name "Albus", believe it or not, is actually the Latin word for "white", which can of course be taken as "pure". "Percival", on the other hand, is interestingly French for "pierce of the veil". As for "Wulfric"…if my German is as well as I think it is, the root for "Wulfric" should be "wulf", a German word meaning "wolf". And of course, "Brian" is just a normal Muggle name. Lastly…I'm sure no one has noticed before, since I've rarely met anyone who is as fluent at Old English as myself, that "Dumbledore" actually means "bumblebee" back then in the olden days. Ah, how Albus have laughed when I mentioned this to him on an interview. He said, "…bumblebee, you say, Gilderoy? Hmm…I would think that's correct, considering how often I hum to myself as I roam and 'buzz' around Hogwarts all the time." Albus broke into another fit of laughter and continued, "Ask any of students and they'll tell you what an annoying hummer I am…or better yet – ask Minerva!"…What a charming man he is!

This wise, "old" (don't kill me, Albus!) fellow is definitely considered to be one of the greatest wizards of the modern times, particularly for his defeat of the dark wizard Grindelwald in 1945, the discovery of the twelve uses of dragon's blood, and his work on alchemy with his partner, Nicolas Flamel, who is another old friend of mine.

As brilliant of a man as he already is, Albus Dumbledore is also quite skilled in Occlumency and Legilimency (some circumstances also suggest that he is able to see through the exotic Invisibility cloaks!) Albus also told me he is able to speak Mermish, the language of the Merpeople.

Albeit a genius, even Albus himself admits that he is sometimes a little reckless. He said to me, "Immense brainpower does not protect you from emotional mistakes, by no means." What exactly did he mean by that? I personally have not an idea, since Albus has always appeared to be very rational to me. I guess things are not always as they appear to be (althought it's very untrue in _my_ case – I'm every bit as gorgeous as I look!)

As a close friend of Albus, I know there are five things that matter to him the most:

Gobstones, Chocoloate Frog Cards, his brother Aberforth (who works as a bartender in Hogshead), his fellow students and professors at Hogwarts, and of course, Fawkes – his beloved phoenix which he had gotten as a gift when he was a first-year at Hogwarts (Albus refused to tell me where he got it from).

Fawkes is truly indeed a magnificent phoenix (when he's not pecking me violently during my interview with Albus, that is.) Colored red and gold, which I should add are the traditional colors of Gryffindor, the House of which Dumbledore belonged to in his school-years, Fawkes possesses a number of magical abilities. Not only are his feathers valuable as they are excellent for making wands, his tears are also capable of healing wounds, which I have personally experienced (Fawkes had pecked me so furiously that Albus, being a caring friend of mine, made him heal my poor, bleeding hand.)

All in all, Albus Dumbledore is truly a great man, in all aspects. And next time if you, my dear reader, encounters a half-moon-spectacled man with his silvery hair and beard tucked neatly into his belts requesting to play ten-pin bowling with you – don't turn him down. Get him a couple of Honeydukes sweets for him along the way, and say hi to him for his old friend Gilderoy too, will ya?

P.S. My interview with Albus certainly ended on an interesting note when he scrolled up his robes and showed me something I thought I'd never see in my whole life…

"_Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground_." - Albus Dumbledore


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Harry Potter, Humor