Harry Potter 1. The One Where It Begins

**Chapter One: The One Where It Begins **

**Author notes: This is a sequel/companion story to The Extremely Short, Horribly Abridged, Plotless, Grammatically Incorrect, Love Story: Love Conquers All. It will be longer though. Someone has to mock these bad, bad fanfics running around nowadays.**

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Harry Potter sat on his bed and sobbed. Since this is an ANGST story, tears and self loathing are required. Harry was doing his best to fulfill both. "Why, O why doesn't he love me?" He wailed, tears and snot streaming down his face and mixing in an unappealing salty margarita of Unrequited Love.

Ron handed him a handkerchief and helpfully supplied, "Because you have more body fluids coming out of you than a three month old baby."

Harry's cries hit and all-time high and across the Atlantic, Celine Dion felt her career crumble.

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Meanwhile in the Slytherin dungeon...

Draco Malfoy stared hatefully at his father's letter. Who would have thought that pink stationary could contain such evil words?

_Dear Draco,_

_Thank you for the socks. They are simply divine!_

_Love,_

_Daddy_

"What's so bad about that?" Crabbe asked. Goyle pointed wordlessly at the bottom of the page.

_PS: Don't you dare go to the Yull Ball with that Potter boy! (You can either take Pansy or Blasie. Or both. Far be it from me to stifle your sexuality.)_

"Oh," said Crabbe. "Oh well. You said you were just using Potter for the incredible unrealistic sex?"

"I was," Draco snarled. "I just don't like being told what to do. And Harry sure did cry when I broke it off this morning at breakfast."

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_Meanwhile in Snape's office..._

"That's right! I'm the professor now!" Hermione cried as she cracked a whip and tossed back her bushy, bushy hair.

Snape drooled.

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bPLEZ R&R! OMGKTHXBYE!11/b


	2. The One With Two Bathtimes

**Chapter Two: The One With Two Bathtimes**

"You really shouldn't be letting Draco get to you like this Harry." Hermione was dispensing advise like her head was a giant Pez. Knowing marketing these days it may well be before too long. But I digress.

"Oh, what do you know about **UNREQUITED LOVE**?" Harry snarled from where he was making a collage of Draco pictures.

The portrait swing open and Ron stepped through. Hermione drooled.

"Nothing! That's what **YOU** know about **UNREQUITED** love." Harry positioned a particularly rude picture of Draco and began drawing flowers around it.

Ron rolled his eyes, "Look Harry! I brought chocolate!" The false cheer in his voice could have sent a clown into spasms.

"I DON'T **WANT** CHOCOLATE!" Harry screamed, his eyes bulging and veins standing out in his neck. A dark cloud fell about him and his eyes glowed red with white hot rage. (Author's Note: Leik, OMG, that makes sooo much sense!)

In the background Neville turned on 50 Cent.

Ron sighed. "Fine. I'll eat it."

Neville started throwing gang signs.

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Lucias Malfoy reclined in his bathwater.

There was really no point to this interlude, other than to point out that Lucias Malfoy was in the bath. Carry on.

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Draco Malfoy reclined in _his_ bathwater. Bubbles flowed around his perfect slender form happily. Nearby, Crabbe settled in beside of Goyle, who was openly staring at Draco. "Um... I didn't know that this bath had a hot tub function," Goyle said.

Crabbe shuddered. "It doesn't."

"Oh."

There was a pause.

"_Oh_!"

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"We think there's something really wrong with Harry." Ron and Hermione were trying to stage an intervention. It didn't seem to be working.

Professor Lupin leaned back in his chair and steepled his slender fingers. "I'm listening."

In a plot point not used nearly enough in Harry Potter fanfiction, the author of said fanfic decided to bring Remus Lupin back to teach at Hogwarts, though not as the DADA teacher... No, he was now the Potions Master. Professor Snape had finally gotten his prized job. This in turn gave Snape the mental and emotional confidence to go after what he really wanted... Hermione Granger.

But that's neither here nor there.

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Harry sobbed, hiccuped, sobbed some more, and blew his nose.

Neville danced to the Tootsie Roll song.


	3. The One With Hardly Any Draco Or Harry

**Chapter Three: The One With Hardly Any Harry Or Draco**

"So, your dad said for sure you can't go to the ball with Potter?" Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle were in the boys bathroom on the second floor relieving themselves.

Draco sighed. "No. And I sent him a letter on the nice stationary and EVERYTHING."

Goyle stepped back from the urinal and zipped up his pants. "Why are we even having a ball?" He was met with blank looks. "The only other time we've had a ball was during the Triwizard Tournament, and that only happens every now and then."

Crabbe blinked blankly.

Goyle sighed in irritation and continued, "It seems to me that this is a thinly veiled plot device that's used all too commonly in Harry Potter fanfiction to give the two main characters a reason to be the thrust upon each other, literally and figuratively."

Draco sneered, "When did you get so smart?"

Goyle glared, "I'm more than mere muscle you know. I have a brain!"

"Well then, maybe you should go use it with Granger!" Draco snapped. He wasn't in the mood for a lesson on emotions or plot points from one of his goons.

"Maybe I will!"

"Well, go then!"

"I am!"

"You do that!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

_"Fine!"_

The door slammed. Crabbe blinked again.

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Professor Dumbledore hurried into the faculty lounge and pulled Professor Flitwick to the side. "We may have to watch Mr. Goyle. _He's onto us_."

"About what?"

Dumbledore sighed. "The ball!"

Flitwick gasped dramatically and slapped a hand to his chest. "How do you know?"

"I was in the fourth stall of the second floor boys bathroom again."

"Beans?"

"No, that's third floor seventh stall. This was treacle tarts."

"Nasty business, that."

"Very."

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Ron flipped the Quibbler upside down and giggled. "Hey Harry, do you think it's true that Dumbledore has a different toilet for every food that gives him the shits?"

"Who knows?" Harry said, but instead it came out 'hoo oows' because his head was buried into a shirt of Draco's. Apparently he was trying to imprint Malfoy's scent into his brain forever.

Hermione stood up. "I'm going to the library."

In the background, Neville bleached his hair blond and muttered something about "Stanley".

Ron flipped the Quibbler over to the right side. "You mean you weren't there already?"

"Puh-lease, RON," Hermione snapped. "You never notice anything about me! All I am to you is a brain!"

"Well, maybe you should turn it off and go run around with Snape!" Ron yelled, happy for any excuse to fight with his unrequited love.

"That just proves how little you listen to me!" Hermione screamed back. "We broke up 4.5 seconds ago!"

"Well, why?" Ron yelled, his face and ears turning red, a sure sign of the Weasley!Temper.

Hermione fumed. "It was a spur of the moment decision by the author!"

"I'm sure there are other Slytherins around for you to cozy up with!" Ron was slightly out of breath from all the yelling and rage. "Why don't you go find Goyle and give him a big wet kiss!"

"I think I will!"

"Well, then do it!"

"I am!"

"Fine!"

"Fine"

_"Fine!"_

The portrait door slammed.

"Yo," said Neville.

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Hermione reached for the book _'How To Give Your Friends Rashes, Bumps, Boils, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, and Other Manners of Discomfort Without Being Caught, Implicated, or Otherwise Found Out_' when another hand, also reaching for the book, bumped into hers.

"Oh er, I'm sorry." Came a deep, somewhat familiar voice.

She stared up into Gregory Goyle's eyes and felt a little shiver run up her spine. "Oh, don't worry about it," she breathed.

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Lucias Malfoy brushed his hair and crooned, "Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who's the fairest one of all?"

"You are," the mirror said with a giggle.

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_Dear Diary,_

_I am so alone. Without Draco my life is a black void. My heart is bleeding... And not just because of that Weasley's Wizarding Weezes Crimson Custard Ron just gave me. I am so alone._

_Love,_

_Harry Potter_

"Why do you sign your full name in your own diary?" Seamus asked, from where he was reading over Harry's shoulder.

_Dear Diary,_

_I am not as alone as I would like._

_Love,_

_Harry Potter_

_PS: That means you, Seamus._

Seamus glared, "I can tell when I'm not wanted." He stomped out of the dormitory.

Dean stood up to go after him, "You shouldn't be so mean to him Harry. He's _sensitive_."

"MY GOD!" Harry exclaimed, "Does no one care about the excruciating pain I'm in?"

"We did at first," Ron said. He was sorting all of his candy into piles on his bed. "But you've been such an asshole that no one gives a crap anymore."

Harry started to cry.

Again.

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plz r&r! Kthxbye


	4. The One With Even Less Harry and Draco

**Chapter Four: The One With Even Less Draco and Harry**

Professor McGonagall was obviously a lot like a cat. She had always had something of a sixth sense and now as she lay in her bed she felt her sixth sense begin running around, waving its arms and screaming, "DANGER MINERVA MCGONAGALL, DANGER!" She closed her fingers around her wand, which was stashed under her pillow for a time such as this, and opened her eyes.

Albus Dumbledore was two inches away from her face.

"GAH!" She screamed, whacking him across the nose with her wand.

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_Meanwhile in the Sytherin Dungeon_

Draco was depressed and annoyed. He was currently sulking on his four-poster bed, determinedly not looking at pictures of Harry Potter, not wearing Harry's Care Bears tee shirt, or hugging the stuffed green dragon that Harry had given him.

He was also not listening to Goyle giggle and fumble about with someone on his bed. Someone with lots of bushy, bushy hair.

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Lucius Malfoy practiced strutting with his pimp-cane.

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"Where could she bed?" Ron was pacing in front of the Common Room fireplace, and occasionally kicking house-elves that were waiting to clean the place up after everyone went to bed. He nervously ran a hand through his hair.

Ginny stopped snogging Tom Riddle long enough to glare at Ron. "Did you just say bed?"

"I dunno." Ron glared back. "It was probably a typo on the part of our sleep-deprived author."

Ginny rolled here eyes and led her favorite future dark lord through the portrait hole. Maybe they would get some privacy up on the Astronomy Tower.

"Was Tom Riddle just here?" Harry asked as the came down the stairs. He was moving into the 'Well, so what if he dumped me. I have chocolate. Chocolate is all I need. Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate!' stage of post-relationship crisis. He had just eaten three boxes of Honeyduke's finest, and was moving onto box four. "I think I smell his cologne..."

"'Fo shizzle dizzle." Said Neville.

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"My dear Minerva, you have a wonderful right hook." Professor Dumbledore had an ice pack pressed to the side of his face.

"Yeah, yeah," McGonagall wasn't in the mood for mindless complements. She was too angry at the moment, though she was also somewhat perplexed. How the hell did Albus's eye continue to twinkle when it was nearly swollen shut? "What were you doing in my room, on my bed?"

"Watching you," he winked at her with his good eye. "I never knew you slept in the nude."

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Remus Lupin felt a shiver run down his spine. Something of untold horror had just been posted on the internet. "God, help us all."

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Professor Snape sat in his office, a glass of firewhiskey in one hand and a crystal ball in the other. "How on earth," he muttered, "could she leave me for him?"

In the ball's glassy surface, Hermione and Goyle read Shakespeare together.

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"You know," Draco said. "For a story about me and Harry we sure aren't in it very much."

A chubby girl with dark red hair that was seated at a computer in the corner shrugged, "So?"

Draco fumed. "Well, you're the author! Fix it!"

"You aren't trying to tell me what to do, are you Draco?"

"I don't have to try." Draco said smugly. "I'm a Malfoy and we-"

"Know that a family that plays together, stays together!" Lucius Malfoy swept into the room and tipped his son back for a wet (very gross) incestuous tongue kiss.

The author giggled malevolently in the corner.

Draco gagged and started crying when his father finally let him back up for air. "I take it back! I take it BACK!"

The author grinned, "Alright then."


	5. The Totally Emo One

**Chapter Five: The Totally Emo One**

_My darling Harry,_

_I feel that our breakup may have been premature. I only did it because my daddy told me too. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, PLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASSSSSEEEEE, take me back._

_Lots of love and lube,_

_Draco Sassafras Malfoy_

Draco signed his name with a flourish and pressed a kiss to the paper. "Hey Goyle, read this and tell me off it sounds too needy." There was no answer. Annoyed, Draco stomped over to Goyle's bed and pulled back the shimmering green curtains. It was empty, save for a pair of sensible white cotton knickers that had been flung upon the duvet. "Dammit! I don't remember telling him that he could shag Granger!"

"Actually," Crabbe said, from where he was lounging upon his bed. "You did in chapter three."

Draco jumped. "How long have you been there?"

"Five years..." Crabbe said sadly.

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Lucius Malfoy paused as he walked down his sweeping staircase and scratched his left asscheek.

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Harry stared morosely at his wrist and then at the razorblade in his other hand. Life just wasn't worth living anymore. With a sob he cut off the beaded "Boyfriend 4evar" bracelet that Draco had made for him. The sparkling red and white beads bounced across the bathroom tiles as if in slowmotion, while Harry's eyes brimmed with tears.

"I am like, so EMO right now!" he choked out.

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Neville began break dancing in the Common Room.

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Glancing furtively from side to side, Dumbledore stuck his chewing gum on one of the suits of armor and then fled the scene of the crime.

Moments later, Argus Filch came across it. "Damn you!" he cried to the heavens. "I'll get you one day, you Chewing Gum Sticking Bastard!"

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Out on the grounds, Hagrid looked at the castle with a frown on his gentle face. "Things jus' don't seem right, no more. All the new girls from America with weird eyes and hair running around, Dumbledore is mad as a hatter, and all the boys having wild unprotected buttsex in my pumpkin patch. It jus' ain't right..." With a sad sigh, he began to walk back towards his hut.

omg Like YOU HAFF TO REVEW N SHIT! or ill die and stuff.


	6. The One Where Nothing Happens

"Draco's middle name is Sassafras?" Harry exclaimed, as he re-read Draco's love note for the five hundred and twenty-sixth time. He was seated in Lupin's office, with his bare feet soaking in a pan of rose scented water. Lupin, who had his face covered in a veggie spread, was giving him a manicure. "I suppose I shouldn't be suprised. I mean, his first name is Draco. How ridiculous is that? That's almost as bad as naming your kid Remus!"

Lupin coughed delicately.

"Oh, yeah. That's your name." Harry felt a twinge of shame. Or perhaps gas... he wasn't sure.

"Quite."

An uncomfortable silence fell over them, and Harry was afraid he may have ruined their Girl's Night In for forever. But then his own selfish needs took back over.

"So should I get back together with Malfoy?"

Lupin sighed.

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"Oh! Oh, oh yes! Yes, do it again!" Hermione's moans filled the quiet classroom. "That's it baby! Diagram that sentence!"

Goyle opened his mouth to oblige when suddenly the door burst open and Ron ran in. His face was red with rage and then the author ran out of descriptions, so she just left it at that. "How could you?" he shrieked. "I could stand Snape, the Hogwarts Express Cart Lady, Buckbeak, and that time you had sex with Sirius and my dad on the table during my birthday dinner, but this time you've gone TOO FAR! I demand that you leave with me right now, Hermione!"

Goyle turned to stare at Hermione, "You had sex with the Hogwarts Express Cart Lady?"

"And a Hippogriff!" Ron snarled.

"At the same time?" Goyle exclaimed.

Hermione grinned, "No, but that sounds like fun."

Goyle sighed. "I'm sorry Hermione. I draw the line at bestiality." He kissed her cheek and left, a Single Tear™ slipping down his cheek.

Ron stared after him. "Well, that was easier than I thought it would be."

"You ruin all my fun Ron," Hermione snarled as she stomped out of the classroom. "Now, who will I be smart with? Filch?"

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"I'm feeling a little peckish Dobby. Bring this food to me in my dorm." Draco handed the house elf his list, and turned to leave.

"But Master Draco," Dobby had recently begun to take diction lessons from a Mr. Henry Higgins, and could speak much clearer now. "This list is twenty-five pages long!"

Draco turned sharply, "Is that a problem, Dobby?"

"It's single-spaced!"

"Alright you big-eared, good for nothing, sack of skin! I know what you've been doing with good old 'Master Flitwick', so if you know what's good for you, you'll have my twenty-five page list filled and sent to my room, or else some certain, shall we say, private photographs are going to be posted around the school."

"You-you wouldn't!"

"Oh no? Well, I can guarantee you I would, or my name isn't Draco Sassafras Malfoy!"

As the door banged shut behind Draco, Dobby rolled his eyes. "I'm surprised he didn't twirl his cloak or a moustache on the way out."

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Lucius Malfoy couldn't decide between his black silk boxers or his silver satin briefs.

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K I lyke cant thik of nothin else rite now! R&r or ill die of toxic shock! Kthnxbye! 


	7. The One That's Practically Useless

"...so as you can see with this graph, the level of insanity here at Hogwarts has gone up 32.7 percent in the last week. If we continue to follow this steady incline, we could be faced with total insanity by the end of the month." Professor McGonagall vanished the graph with a wave of her wand. "Does anyone have any suggestions or thoughts on how we could prevent this complete travesty from occurring?"

Professor Sprout exchanged glances with the other teachers, before speaking up. "Minerva, dear," she said gently. "We all agree with you completely, but I think I can speak for everyone when I say that some of the... um, 'craziness' would diminish if you would let everyone take off their raincoats, water-wings, and galoshes."

"But what will we do when the merpeople start to invade?"

Snape rolled his eyes, "For the last time- the merpeople _can't leave the lake_!"

And so another staff meeting at Hogwarts began.

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Outside, Neville practiced walking with a pimp cane.

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"I just really want to make him suffer, you know. Make him feel what _I_ was feeling," Harry took a sip out of his oversized teacup and made a face. "I said Sweet and Low, **not** sugar! Are you trying to kill me? My thighs are fat enough, thankyouverymuch!" He shoved the teacup away and stuck his lower lip out in a pout.

Hagrid blinked, "Harry, if I didn't know any better I'd say you'd grown a pussy over the last couple of weeks."

Harry's eyes brimmed with tears. "WHY MUST YOU POINT OUT MY SHORTCOMINGS? You know I'll never be able to bear children!" With a strangled sob, he fled the hut.

Hagrid sighed, "I'm really starting to hate this job."

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Draco was seated on his bed in a pair of silk pajamas, surrounded by mountains of food. He was currently plowing his way through a pizza, and listening to the Phantom of the Opera. "I'll always love you Erik," he mumbled. "Stupid Christine."

On the other side of the room, Crabbe and Goyle exchanged glances.

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"I mean, you have a threesome with a convict and your best friend's dad one time, and suddenly you're a slut? Who made those rules?" Hermione finished lacing up her red corset and adjusted her crotchless panties. "Okay, you ready Grawp?"

"GRAWP HORNY!"

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Lucius Malfoy twiddled his thumbs.

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Argus Filch pried open the large crate labeled 'Acme Explosives' and cackled gleefully. He was going to get that Gum Sticking Bastard. He was going to get him _good_.

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**k you leik better revew or ill get mah posse to kill u ded. Luv ya! kisses**


	8. The One With a Phone

"Hehehe!" Draco's laugh rang out from his four-poster bed like a cat being eaten by a wallaby. "Oh, I am so in love with your Quidditch-toned muscles."

"What?" Harry felt confused as he looked down at his thin, white arms.

"Your arse, darling!" Draco giggled, "It's so tight from gripping that broom handle for hours."

"Oh, I guess. I mean, after the hemorrhoids went away-"

Draco silenced him with a slender finger on Harry's lips, "Kiss me you fool!".

"Could they possibly be more nauseating?" Crabbe whispered to Goyle as they snuck out of the room, Draco's giggles echoing annoyingly behind them.

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"Okay," Snape whispered into his completely canonical mobile wizarding phone. "And how long will it take to ship the 'Wiziwomb'? Umhum. Well, you see, it's just," he paused and looked around nervously. "My er, friend, needs it soon. Before the fullmoon. And uh... Does it work on werewolves? It does! Splendid! Oh yes. I'll take two. Charge it to Albus Dumbledore, account number 3482. Oh no, thank _you_!"

He snapped the phone shut and began to laugh. One might say in a diabolical way.

Hey, that rhymed.

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Lucius Malfoy applied some lipgloss and made kissy faces at the mirror.

"Oh you," the mirror giggled.

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"Haaaarry?" Draco said in a sing-song voice as he lazily drew circles on Harry's chest with his fingernail. "Do you like babies?"

"I guess," Harry said carelessly, forgetting about his emotional Baby Related Outburst in Hagrid's cabin in the previous chapter.

"The reason I bring it up is, well, Harry... I'm going to have a baby!"

Harry bolted upright, "What?" He began to hyperventilate. But just slightly. "You're pregnant?"

Draco blinked, "No stupid. Boys can't have babies. Well, unless they buy a wiziwomb."

"But you just said-"

Draco sighed impatiently and cut him off, "No, no... Pansy is. I slept with her while we were broken up."

"**What?**" Harry began to sob hysterically. "You told me girls have man-eating vaginas with rows of teeth that were designed to snip off unsuspecting schoolboys' penises! And you said they smelled like **FISH**!"

Draco coughed delicately, "Those... may have been lies."

"What else have you lied about?" Harry lept off of the bed and began pacing wildly, "Oh my God! Does this mean you don't really know Legolas? Is Cumbuttistan really a country? Do fairies really taste like butternut? What's the square root of pie?" He fell to his knees dramatically and wailed, "I don't know what to believe! My whole life is a sham! WHAT IF I REALLY DO LIKE BOOBIES?"

Draco rubbed his eyes wearily. It was going to be a long night.

**K, liek this 1 wuz short, but itz cuz I haff like, explosive diarrhea and my asshole burns really bad if I sit 2 long. Plz review! ktnxbyeee!**


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Harry Potter, Parody, Romance