Harry Potter 1. Prologue: Lost on the Void

**_Swan Heart, Ocean Soul_******

Prologue: Lost in the Void

_Her eyes shone a bight sparkling green in the candle light and her red hair seemed to shine a silvery black in the moon light that came through the window which revealed a cloudless and clear night. This night was to be perfect, marking the rest of their lives together for if he were to die tomorrow he would be fulfilled as this night was theirs.. forever. His kiss deepened on her lips as his body pressed against hers moving in a slow and sweet rhythm. He gave himself to her that night, his heart, body and soul. He'd give his very life for her on request. Their love making lasted an eternity in that night. He cherished every moment, burnt every second into his memory and as he lay there in her arms he felt a sense of satisfying content… his life was bound to each breath she took, his heart beat for her very existence. _

_It had happened so fast, he had fallen so deeply into the embrace of the love he had long sought after, and she had replied to his call, answering him with the equal intense flames of passion. He had been like a starved dog, taking her without hesitation… just to be left painfully hungry again only moments later. But this was more than hunger, it was pain stricken grief mixed with mortifying guilt. He would take vengeance on love, fool he was indeed to think that love came so freely where in fact the price he had had to pay was deadly high._

Yes… it had been deadly… gone with the wind, home to the heavenly stars, peaceful in eternal sleep… immortal in slumber. That was simply what death was wasn't it? Resting forever? Returning from where you came from? Then why did it still hurt so much? Why did it tear you apart to relive the memories? Why did it pierce to the very core of his heart? What did it mean when the replay in your mind was not what you wanted it to be?

_Fate had no mercy, she took what she wanted without reason, without explanation, viciously snatching away even the very heart and soul of a man at will. So cruel were the arms of Fate, for once she had crumpled and diminished you to pure pain and suffering she then threw you to the equally heartless hands of her sister, Destiny… Fate and Destiny… what a pair they made, trying to cancel each other out, a paradox… for one could only exist with the other and neither could cease to be, yet they fought to cancel each other out. He had been trapped in their twisted circle, doomed by Fate and thrown to seek redemption in Destiny. And what other path was there to take? Without her he had lost the will to live but he couldn't die as he would betray her memory, his memory of her. So their he found himself… in his own paradox. Stuck deep within in his heart stabbing crucifying memories, her clear green eyes looking up at him like an innocent child, the soft touch of her warm skin, her silky red hair that he had run his fingers through so many times and most of all her sweet scent that filled his senses, empowered his mind, the scent of lilies. Lilies… damn her to hell! Damn Lily Evans! He defied her! This endless torment, it had to be stopped, Lily Evans had to be banished from his mind! Her face condemned him to this dark abyss he had been eternally falling through, and there was no end to it._

James Potter sat on the cliff that jutted out over the glacial lake which lay deep within the forest lands of the extensive Potter grounds. How long he had sat there he didn't know, his broom had been discarded on the ground somewhere behind him and he sat gazing out into the distance, the light summer breeze further ruffling his already messy raven black hair. Sighing James heaved himself up off the rock and slowly went to recover his broom. The sun was setting and he was expected back at the mansion for dinner, as it was being held in his honour, tomorrow he would be leaving his home to spend time with his friends in Diagon Alley before his return to Hogwarts to start his seventh year.

His friends… Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, his brothers, his kin, partners in crime by the name of 'The Marauders' and they were his resolution, the distraction of his depressive memories. Sirius, known among them as Padfoot was the closest to him and since knowing each other they had been inseparable, unmistakably dubbed as brothers. Remus, who went by the name Moony had been James' sounding board, the reason for his understanding, voicing mainly his and Sirius' conscience and sensibility. For James there were no need for words for the friendship he had with Remus and Sirius. They rarely had to explain themselves to each other, they just knew each other, one look in the eyes said everything that could ever be spoken. As for Peter, referred to as Wormtail, he simply existed, their mascot, the reason they had formed their group, pledging to plague the Slytherin's with trouble. Even though Peter was not intellectually or physically to their standards he had a place among them as he had given them the realization of the joys of pranks and rule breaking. Not that it had not existed within them before but during James', Sirius' and Remus' plan of revenge (in the honour of Peter) on a certain group of Slytherin's the three had come to a mutual understanding that they were meant to be a team in their shenanigans. 

In their own unique ways his three friends had stood by him, supporting him by the mere fact of being what they had always been to him, friends of his soul and it was there that they were tied to each other, in the bond of friendship. It was because of them that he had carried on going, with them he could smile, with them he could push away the pain, locking it at the back of his mind until he returned home for summer. Home… it had become a forsaken place but this is where she was and for that he came back, to honour her memory, to let her know he had not forgotten her and never would. His hand absently moved to his chest and into his robes where his fingers clasped around a ring hung from a silver chain. Bringing it up to his lips he closed his eyes and kissed it whispering, "Don't worry love, home is where the stars are. Be patient, I'll be with you soon." before turning away and flying home.


	2. Collision of Fate

_Swan Heart, Ocean Soul_

Chapter One: Collision of Fate

It was the summer before Lily Evans' seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and she was spending the last ten days of it in Diagon Alley. This was because her parents were away on business and Lily didn't think she could face being cooped up in a house with her ghastly sister, Petunia, and ghastly was an understatement. As for her parents, Lily loved them deeply, painfully deeply, and although their business affairs called them away a lot Lily knew that they made the effort to be home during school holidays. 

Smiling to herself Lily set out of The Leaky Cauldron, where she was staying and went to explore, for the hundredth time the shops of Diagon Alley. Her parents had given her a small fortune for becoming head girl and Lily planned on treating herself extensively as she walked down the street looking through the shop windows that had never ceased to fascinate her. 

Suddenly loud bangs and explosions erupted further down the street followed by screaming and laughter. Lily whipped around to see what the commotion was to find a man running straight at her, he was looking back over his shoulder shouting, "Come on Padfoot!"

Lily stood paralyzed as the man turned his head back the right way to see where he was going but it was too late Lily let out a piercing scream as the man crashed into her sending both of them to the floor.

Oh Shit! he thought to himself as he looked down at the girl beneath him, it was no one other than Lily Evans, her eyes were sealed shut, her long dark red hair pooled around her head like fresh blood. Suddenly her eyes fluttered open, surprise flashed her eyes but quickly annoyance and irritation took over them in a flame of anger. 

"Potter!" She hissed

"Hey Evans." James Potter replied with a sheepish grin on his face.

"Prongs you fool! What the hell- oh, _OH!_ Why, if it isn't Lily Evans, fancy old Jamesie here have you of all people break his fall, ey?" Came the unmistakable voice of Sirius Black, well known as James Potter's other half as they were inseparable. 

Lily frowned and flushed, "Get off me!" she said hotly as she shoved James's shoulders.

Almost reluctantly James lifted himself off Lily though his whole body seemed to be burning, still grinning he offered Lily his hand which she slapped away. With some difficulty Lily pulled herself off the ground and stormed into Flourish and Blotts after giving both James and Sirius death looks. 

"What was that all about?" came a voice behind James and Sirius, James who was staring after Lily's disappearing back and Sirius who was staring at James staring at Lily disappearing.

Sirius turned to the speaker, "Prongs here had a little run in with Evans, Moony."

Remus frowned, "Ah, not good."

Sirius smirked but James turned around to face his two friends and shrugged, "She was in my way."

Remus raised his eyebrow, "I think you two should lay off her this year, she's had enough. No, I don't need to hear you excuses, I'll meet you guys in Zonko's." as he quickly followed Lily into Flourish and Blotts. 

James and Sirius shrugged and headed over to their favourite joke shop, Zonko's.

"Heya Lily, a penny for your thoughts." Remus whispered behind Lily as she was staring absent mindedly at books on the shelves. 

Lily turned around and threw herself on Remus raining his face with little kisses, "Remy! How are you?" 

Remus chuckled and nodded, "Yeah, I'm ok, what's up?"

Lily rolled her eyes, "I could strangle that Potter!"

Remus frowned, "He's not that bad you know Lily, give the guy a chance, he can actually be quite decent once you get to know him."

Lily groaned, "I know he's your friend and everything Remus, but I know all I want to know about him. He is nothing more than an immature, conceited, fat headed, arrogant, intolerable, snobby, insufferable and sleazy bastard! I've seen enough and heard enough."

Remus sighed and ruffled Lily's hair, "Ah, Lily, as you say he is my friend, and likewise so are you, yet I see two completely different sides to what you see of each other, just give him a chance this year and don't jump down his throat at the smallest thing he does. You have a talent of making a war out of a rice grain when it comes to James."

Lily shook her head, "I stand by what I say, I don't like him. He sickens me, the way he is, the way he breathes, he invades my space all the time and I hate it!"

Remus shrugged, "All I am asking is that you give him a chance. Anyway, care to join me for dinner tonight? I know you are staying in the cauldron, Siobhan told me so, she and Miki will be here day after tomorrow no?"

Lily grinned, "Yeah. And dinner would be great, ugh, my summer was almost dismal with my sister! WAIT! If I come to dinner with you that means Potter and Black will-"

Remus laughed lightly cutting her off with a wave of his hand, "Now what was that little thing you said about maturity, hmm? Its just dinner, and I will be there, what could possibly go wrong? We're in the same house for Godric's sake, it's our last year, give it a break already!"

Lily groaned, "Fine! But if he says or does ONE thing Rem, and I mean it, I will leave! And don't try stopping me!"

Remus smiled, "That's more like it, see you in The Cauldron at 7.30 then."

"Moony, I think you've just signed Prongs' death warrant…" Sirius groaned though his eyes sparked with mischief and intrigue.

"I mean it, well mannered, behaved, prank-less, civilized, proper, respectable and charming conversation. This is your first step to proving yourself Prongs, don't blow it." Remus said giving James a meaningful look.

James was concentrating and listening intently to what Remus was saying, "Right, prank-less, well mannered, behaved, we allowed to joke? No, ok, jokeless, civilized, proper, charming, respectable, did I miss anything? Good. Ok, that's sorted then. Sooo… shall we head over to the cauldron now then?" he said looking up expectantly at his two friends who stared at him and suddenly both burst out laughing.

"WHAT!?" James roared.

Sirius and Remus were laughing so hard they were supporting each other to stop them from falling over. Finally Remus straightened up, "Prongs, it's only 4o'clock, what are we going to do for three and a half hours in the cauldron?"

James flushed and then shrugged, "Lost track of time, so what shall we do now then?"

Sirius who had stopped laughing though still wore a huge smirk on his face said, "Well, what do you say to heading over to the cauldron for a few games of chess or exploding snap?"

Remus grinned, "Good idea Padfoot!"

James threw his arms out in despair, "That's where I just said we should go you great Danes!" and strode towards the cauldron without looking back at his two friends who were smirking and grinning at each other. 

"He's for real with her Moony, I swear this one is for real, Ice Witch Evans." Sirius said as he and Remus followed in James' wake towards the cauldron. 


	3. Dining with Fire

**_Swan Heart, Ocean Soul_**

Chapter Two: Dinner 

Lily sat in her room at The Leaky Cauldron with a towel wrapped around her. She was rummaging furiously through her clothes, muttering to herself as she randomly threw things over her shoulder. 

What's the big deal? Its only dinner with Remus. she mutter to herself.

_'Ah, of course, not to mention James Potter as well as Sirius Black hmm?' _a voice retorted inside her head.

And _what_ difference would that make?

'The difference that normally you never care what you wear and now nothing from your extensive wardrobe seems appropriate.'

That's absurd!

_'Oh is it? Then pray tell why you have thrown your whole suitcase over your shoulder?'_

Well, a girl needs to dress appropriately.

_'For Remus, I'm sure.'_ There was a sarcastic tone to the voice.

Absolutely! Lily retorted hotly.

'Then the fact that you find James Potter rather attractive, despite his immaturity and conceited fat head?'

"Oh Don't be RIDICULOUS!" Lily yelled and then flushed. "I must be going a bit mad."

'Indeed.'

"Shut up you!" she retorted hotly to the voice echoing in the back of her mind.

As in despair Lily threw on a pair of semi-formal black pants and a dark green sleeveless turtle neck. Satisfied she then dried her hair with a charm and sat down at her little vanity table. 

"Oh Bugger!" she exclaimed as she saw the time. Quickly she put on some lip gloss and left her room.

"What's taking her so god damn long?" James complained as they waited at the table. 

Sirius smirked, "I didn't know you were so anxious to die Prongs."

Remus chuckled, "It's only quarter past, besides, she's half French, which means she will arrive 15minutes fashionably late, French manners, its expected." 

Sirius groaned, "Well she's in bloody England now, and I'm starved, besides you're half French Moony, you're never late."

Remus grinned, "I'm not a lady."

Sirius snorted, "And Evans is? Damn prude."

James and Sirius were sitting next to each other and Remus was opposite Sirius, both by the window leaving the chair opposite James conveniently for Lily. 

Remus who was facing the stairs stood up and waved as he saw Lily slowly coming down the stairs, on cue both James and Sirius shot out of their seats as if they had been sitting on hot coals and turned to face Lily who was sauntering over to them waving and smiling back at Remus. James' breath caught in his throat, it was rare to see Lily smile, especially in his presence. Almost as if she had read his thoughts the smile from Lily's face disappeared as she saw James. Giving Remus four kisses on the cheek, Parisian style she took her seat. James frowned, although he knew it was a French tradition to greet each other with kisses he had never gotten used to his dream girl kissing his best mate, even if it was just on the cheeks. 

The three boys seated themselves once Lily had sat down. Sirius had a huge grin on his face and James was still frowning. 

"Hey Ev-Lily" Sirius said.

Lily turned to Sirius with a cold smile on her face and said quietly mocking him, "Hey Bla-Sirius." 

James looked intently at Lily and whispered, "Hey Lily"

Lily simply nodded in acknowledgement without looking at him causing James to frown and look down at the table cloth. An awkward silence descended upon the table of four when Sirius finally said, "So, Lily, how has your day been?"

Lily looked at Sirius and smiled weakly, "It was great mostly, a dark and evil storm cloud appeared this afternoon, but Remus cleared it up nicely."

Sirius chuckled, "Couldn't have been much of a _dark and evil_ storm cloud if old Remus here could clear it up now could it?" lifting his butter beer to his lips.

Lily's eyes turned icy cold, "Well you see Sirius, Remus could clear up _any_ storm cloud that hovers over me, no matter how dark _or_ evil. He, possesses a great sense of maturity and kindness unlike other boys of his age who he hangs out with."

Sirius choked on his butter beer and excused himself to the bathroom. Remus seeing the opportunity said that he would go and order their food. 

The awkward silence settled in again as Lily and James were left alone at the table. Both were staring at the table cloth as if it was the most interesting thing ever created.   
  
James glanced up to look at Lily and said quietly, "So… how was your summer?"

Lily not moving her eyes form the table cloth replied in just as quiet voice, "Fine"

"Cool… staying here?"

"Yes."

"So are we… you're room ok?"

"Yes."

"Great… get here today?"

"Yes"

"Sweet.. us too… so erm… Siobhan and Miki coming later?"

"Yes."

"That should be nice. Uh…oh, congrats on making Head girl."

"Thanks"

"Should be fun.."

"Yeah"

"Great… well… hmm… sorry about crashing into you today, I really didn't see you."

"Ok"

"Fine… if that's the way you're gonna be, What colour underwear are you wearing?"

Lily's eyes shot up from the tablecloth as she bolted out of her seat screaming, "**THAT IS NONE OF YOUR GOD DAMN BUSINESS POTTER!**"

James stood up as well and yelled back, "**WELL MISS PRISS I WAS JUST TRYING TO HAVE A BEHAVED, WELL MANNERED, PRANK-LESS, PROPER, RESPECTABLE, CHARMING, CIVILISED AND JOKELESS CONVERSATION WITH YOU!**" James sat back down again and grinned sheepishly adding, "But hey, at least I got a sentence out of you."

Lily's chest was heaving, if looks could kill James would've been dead a thousand times over with knives and daggers sticking out all over him, but James stared back into her eyes unwavering, challenging her to tell him that he had been anything other than polite. 

Remus appeared, "What was _that_ all about? I leave you two for three minutes and hell breaks lose."

Lily turned her death stare to Remus who raised his eyebrow at her as if saying, 'and what is that look supposed to make me do, quiver in fear? Give me a break, I'm immune to your looks.'

Lily sighed, "Potter here needs to learn some manners."

James snorted, "Nice talk on the 'maturity' issue and storm clouds from before Evans, you're enough to create a monsoon over any living being, and even Remus couldn't get rid of it."

Lily's head snapped back at James, "White Potter, white with pink hearts."

James looked gob smacked, "Wha-What?!"

Lily smirked and sat down, "In answer to you question, they are white with pink hearts on them. Seeing as I don't like being insulted for my maturity, I suppose I have to sink to your level of it."

Remus looked at James questioningly and then turned to Lily, "Dare I ask what the question was?"

Lily shrugged, "Potter asked me what colour underwear I am wearing."

James flushed and Remus opened his mouth in disbelief at James. At that point Sirius returned, curiously looking back and forth from James to Lily and then raised an eyebrow at Remus, "What was all the commotion? I could hear you guys all the way to the bathroom!"

Remus shook his head, "You don't wanna know mate."

Sirius grinned and took his seat, "Okey-Dokey then, time to order, my lovelies?

Remus grinned at Sirius, "Already did the honours mate, Tom's coming with another round of butterbeers."

Sirius chuckled, "Aah, good stuff."

Yet again the awkward silence settled over the quartet, James was frowning at the table cloth lost in thought, Lily on the other hand was constantly glaring at James while Remus and Sirius exchanged mischievous knowing looks at each other while observing the oblivious love-doomed couple.

Breaking the silence Sirius daringly addressed Lily, "So, Lily, what are your goals for this year as our beloved head girl?"

Lily turned to Sirius and sighed, "I plan to rid the school of disruptive trouble makers by bringing back corporal punishment, you know me, the goodie-two-shoes that I am, I love to be in all superiors good books, even Filch. Then I will go on to rule the world. And your ambitions are?"

Tom returned with four butterbeers and left.

Sirius grinned, taking a sip of his butterbeer, "You're dripping with sarcasm my fair lady. I, Sirius Black, have goals to break the detention record set by my role model, our very own Albus Dumbledore, have you ever read _Hogwarts, A History_ Lily? Dumbledore was by far, the most mischievous wizards ever to attend Hogwarts… aaah the joys to be the one to follow his footsteps. What about you Prongs?"

James' head jerked up from his observation of the table cloth, "What?"

Sirius sighed, "Never mind mate, Moony?"

Remus chuckled, "I chose to remain secretive about my future ambitions thank you very much."

Sirius winked and James snorted and was about to say something when Tom came with their French Onion soup starter. Silently the quartet started to eat.

"So, Lily, picking up, once more, on our conversation, what did you do for summer?" James said with a serious tone, looking Lily straight in the eye.

Lily dabbed her mouth with a napkin and frowned at James, "I went to the south of France."

James grinned, "Sun and sea eh? Where abouts' were you?"

Lily was clearly annoyed by James inquisitions, his grin mocked her, he knew she couldn't be rude or refuse to answer, especially not in front of Remus. James was, after all, being _normal _and civil, this was out of the ordinary and it troubled Lily because she felt insecure and unprepared. _Normally_ when she had to talk to James Potter it was throwing insults at him, now she was forced to have a decent conversation with him and it vexed her for the triumph look on his face as Lily knew he knew what he was doing and what she was thinking. Through gritted teeth she replied, "Palavas… it's near Montpellier, by the beach."

James nodded, still holding eye contact with Lily, desperately willing her to see that he was genuinely interested and wanted to have a proper conversation with her. "Sounds great, so tell me, are the beaches there as nice as they are believed to be?"

Lily sighed inwardly, "Yeah, they're ok, the city is nice too, absolutely beautiful…"

"I can only imagine… the most I've seen of France is Paris." James replied. "Though I have been to Greece, and the beaches are there are fantastic! Ever been?"

Lily shook her head, "No, but I'd like to go though, apparently Athens holds some of the worlds most ancient magic alongside Egypt, curses and such."

Remus and Sirius were grinning at each other as they watched Lily and James deep in conversation, this was a strange sight indeed. Never in their whole lives of knowing the pair had they seen them have a civil conversation. Lily seemed to have forgotten about the 'cold' role she usually played in James' presence and James himself was clearly enjoying it.

Dinner went fairly smoothly in Remus' opinion, at least, as smoothly as dinner could go between James Potter, Sirius Black and Lily Evans. It was evident that, as dinner drew to a close, James was reluctant for it to end, but headed up to bed after Sirius and not before saying "Good night, sleep well and sweet dreams." To Lily. Remus walked Lily to her room and received his usual four kisses good bye and headed back to his shared room with Sirius and James. The two were already engrossed in a game of wizarding chess so Remus bid them his good nights and went off to his bed to read… soon nodding off to welcomed sleep.


	4. After Thoughts

First and foremost, Thank you to my first three reviewers, I wasn't hoping for any as this is my first fic ever! It was great to see responses, so thanks a ton!

Jeni-Nite – I'm glad you got the fluffy impression of the first chapter… hehe it's all part of my story. Glad you liked the second chapter!

MasterDeath – heh… they were trying to be civil and got caught up unintentionally on Lily's part. James is desperate, and Lily doesn't want to blow up at James in front of Remus for no apparent reason. S'all part of the plot my love.

ScreamMyHeadOff – Thank you for your supportive review :D I hope it will be good in all readers eyes.

Secondly and just as importantly, I DON'T OWN ANYTHING YOU RECOGNISE! 

Swan Heart, Ocean Soul

****

Chapter Three: After Thoughts

James and Sirius were deep into a game of wizard chess while Remus lay on his bed reading gently nodding off to sleep. The room was fairly large with three single beds on the far side of the room complete with lamp side tables by each of the beds, James and Sirius were seated in the small yet comfortable sitting area of the room equip with a small fireplace. The game intensified and ended with James grunting, "Check mate buddy"

Sirius grinned, "What is it with you and her then Prongs?"

James sank back into the comfy armchair and raised his eyebrow though avoiding Sirius' inquisitive gaze, "What do you mean?"

Sirius sighed, "You like her don't you?"

James grinned, "Who?"

Sirius rolled his eyes, "Evans! You great Bernard!"

James chuckled, "Oh _her_!"

Sirius looked slightly irritated, "yes! _'her'_ any other Evans we know of?"

James looked almost convincingly thoughtful, "Weell… there is her sister, though I don't think she's really my cup of tea."

Sirius rolled his eyes again, "So you do like her then."

James looked taken back his face twisted in disgust and he appeared to be genuinely shocked though he was still grinning, "Are you _MAD_!? She looks like a horse gone wrong!"

"Not _HER_! Lily you idiot! Lily Evans." Sirius groaned

 "What about Lily?" James replied grinning.

Sirius looked like he was ready to thump James, "My God James! Will you _please_ refrain from insulting me, I've known you since you've been wiggling around in your dads scrotums for Godric's sake! Spare me the whole I-don't-know-what-the-fuck-you-are-talking-about look and spit it out?! Merlin!"

"It would help if you told me what the fuck it is you want to know mate." James said, trying to look like he had no idea in the world what his best friend and closest thing to a brother was talking about. 

Sirius threw his arms out in front of him punching the air at random, very likely wishing it were James' face that came into contact with his fists and let out a growl of exasperation, "For the love of Rowena! James, Lily Evans, God sent girl, blood red fiery hair, emerald green eyes, head girl, Ice Witch, DO.YOU.LIKE.HER?"

James chuckled, evidently enjoying himself, "Oh, well, now you come to mention it… I guess I do, have I been that obvious?"

Sirius sighed, resigning himself, sinking back into his chair "James, its been obvious that you've been wanting to get into her knickers for the last two years and royally pissing her off in the process. What I mean is that you're serious about her aren't you? That its not just some game like usual, this one really is for real, init?"

James drifted off into thought yes, he was serious about _this one_ as none of the other ones had made him feel anything like this before except one. Lily Ice Witch Evans… the cold, distant, innocent, naïve and untouchable Lily Evans. Well, _cold _ was probably a bit too harsh, she wasn't as cold as the whole school made her out to be. He and Sirius had dubbed her as the "_Ice Witch" _ simply because she was so innocent and reserved, but realistically she was the Goddess of Gryffindor. He knew she was a virgin, he knew she had never dated and for this everyone saw her as a prude, a book worm, one of those serious studious type of girls who had a limited social life. But James knew better than that, Christ, he had been analyzing her since as far back as their first year. It was a Potter trait, to know ones company. Both James' parents were Aurors, well, all of his ancestors had been Aurors, the Potter family were one of Britain's Oldest Wizarding families, his heritage could be drawn back to the dawn of time. 

James knew Lily like he knew the back of his hand, she was far from cold, no girl, no living human being with that much depth and feeling inside of them could be cold, and James knew of her flaming rage better than anyone as he had been victim of her fiery temper many times. No, Lily Evans was full of passion, torn between her emotions and what was expected of her and for that she strove to be in control of her wild and passionate emotions. Underneath her smile she was fragile, behind the vicious battles he had had with her she was threatening to break. 

Sirius snapped his fingers in front of James' face, bringing him back to earth, "Huh? Oh, yes, I suppose you could say that."

Sirius groaned and headed for his bed, "I'll let you be Prongs, you're obviously in no mood to confide in me, regardless of the fact that I've known you since you wiggled in your dads scrotums." with that Sirius threw himself on his bed and went out like a light. 

James chuckled, his best friend, his brother, Sirius Black. What girls would go through to have him, what guys would do to be like him. James sighed as his thoughts wondered back to Lily. She was in some ways like Sirius, seemingly so carefree, so fearless, but deep down they were nothing more than a bundle of emotions, threatening to bring them down and tear them apart from within. Lily was an idol, girls hated her for her beauty and at the same time loved her for her genuine ignorance of it. Guys stared at her in awe and desire though never ventured beyond flirting with her lightly. Lily simply could not be touched, not only was she on a sacred dais but her aura was foreboding, and not in a bad way, it was more of a pureness to her. James could only simplify it to the absurd innocence that radiated from Lily. Cold and distant she was, yet at the same time she was warm, loving and kind. In their previous younger years at Hogwarts everyone had looked down to Lily as a little sister who needed protecting and help, now in their last year she was looked up to by the younger years as a big sister who gave them warmth, advice and confidence. 

Lily Evans, like Sirius Black held a lot of pain within her and fought to be in control, not much different from James himself, coming to think of it, it was not much different from anyone who had suffered. Sirius numbed the pain by pursuing girls, searching for love to replace the denied love of his mother… another paradox as he did not allow himself to get attached for fear of being hurt again. This was the simple version of the  psychology behind his friend's behaviour. 

Lily on the other hand strove to be in control of her emotions by locking them away deep within herself. Pushing everything painful away to the back of her mind and focusing on her school work. James smiled at himself, she was so innocent, behind the mature stature she gave off she was a child, screaming to be noticed, praying to be loved. He did not know the cause of her suffering, it was perhaps her family… James couldn't know this, the only people Lily would speak to was either Siobhan McPherson or Michelle Amoretti and James doubted that she let them in on much. Remus was probably another possible candidate but regarding the fact that Remus was a Marauder and therefore close to James he also doubted that Lily would confide in Remus either.   
  
Lily was strong, he had to give her that, she was a lot stronger than Sirius or any other person he knew, she hid it well… but he saw right through her. It maddened James to how ignorant Lily was, and she was extremely stubborn, for so long she had structured and composed herself into an environment she felt secure in. She lived in her own world and no one, absolutely no one could penetrate into it, she blocked it out, either genuinely not seeing things for what they were or otherwise it was the mind set she had constructed around herself that acknowledged everything but downright denied the truth, knowing that Lily would not be able to tolerate the it. This was perhaps the reason why she had never dated, it was common knowledge that Lily Evans was one of the most beautiful girls to attend Hogwarts. Boys flirted left right and center with her and although they were cautious it was blatantly obvious. Lily simply took it as friendly gestures and innocently flirted back completely oblivious to what was being implied. This drove James completely and utterly nuts, he wanted to take out any guy that dared approach her, in his mind she was to remain on her sacred pedestal. 

Then there was Remus… the mastermind, the intellect, the logical speaker, it was probably Remus more than anyone that kept James and Sirius at bay. At least, as much as _at bay_ as they could be because both James and Sirius were known to go to extreme limits. Remus' motive was completely different, he strove to do well in school, to be the best at every subject just to prove himself to society. Of course, society didn't really know what was wrong with him that needed proving but it was a personal goal of Remus'. He shunned himself from his surroundings because he regarded himself as a lower being, but that's where society had put him anyway, and there again was the paradox Remus lived in. 

James himself had problems… his memories were worst of all. The crux of his deeply buried depression… love. The green eyes, the red hair… it had haunted him for what seemed to be forever. Time and time again he had tried to push her out of his mind, taking other girls to banish her from his thoughts, continuously asking out the one girl who reminded him so much of his painful forsaken love, over and over again he would ask her out knowing that she would outright deny him, wishing that her denial would make his guilt at ease, and rest his mind from the torment of having to relive his memories with each and every time he lay his eyes upon her… Lily Evans.

James sighed as he got out of his chair, heavy with slumber he headed towards his bed and lay down. Today had brought back many memories… it had been a year but the pain was so fresh as if it had happened yesterday. Gradually James fell into a deep dreamless sleep, though unknown to him his dreams were filled with white backgrounds full of throbbing pink hearts.


End file.

Harry Potter, Angst, Romance