Naruto 1. Chapter 1

**Another fanfiction again! Personally, this is one of my personal favorites because not only is this fanfic a comedy, it is also a social and psychological satire. Read between the lines and you'll see what I mean because the male and female mind interprets each other quite differently. I wrote this originally in Filipino (Shikamaru's thought were in English but the dialogues were Filipino because it was funnier to hear) but I translated it. I'll provide the Filipino dialogues especially for the other Filipinos out there or anyone who can speak Filipino. For the guys, pardon me if my interpretation of the male mind may be prejudiced, but I tried to think like a man even if I am a girl. Also for the girls, not all women are like what I interpreted in this story, I don't even think like this. As I said, ****satire****; based on social prejudices and views. Hope you enjoy.**

**What He/She says vs. What He/She Means**

**Shikamaru's Problem:Unlocking Ino's Mind**

**By: isagani14**

**(Shikamaru's Point of View)**

I never could understand her. She's meteoric and is constantly on an emotional rollercoaster ride. Sometimes she's sweet and warm then turns sour and frigid. We have our sweet moments then she becomes nasty and starts shouting and then blaming me, her childhood boyfriend, for breaking some unspeakable and unwritten rule of masculinity. She loves me (I think) but hates me at the same time (now _**that**_ I'm sure of). Is it about the fact that I'm her BOYFRIEND, more so that I'm her FIANCE ?

I don't know but the purpose of this story is how she, Yamanaka Ino, baffles me, Nara Shikamaru, to no end

I'd probably say it now since I'm not one to beat around the bush, being too lazy to feel foolish nor lie about admitting (?), besides my IQ of 200 (not one to brag, folks), that I have absolutely no clue or knowledge about the goings-on in a girl's mind.

I'm not proud that I don't take pains to get close to her; in fact I'm uneasy over it. Even more embarrassing is that I'm completely oblivious about the little details in my girlfriend's brain (now that I thought about it, I wish I knew how her special techniques worked). After all, I am her boyfriend, it's such a shocker to find out that your boyfriend doesn't take too much on the obsessive-compulsive deal of your relationship. Where's the "pookie-bear, sugar-muffin, googly-bear, sweet-ham, honey cured, fuzzy-wuzzy, cream pie, apple dumpling, strawberry cream cake" fun in that? But then again, it's just me. I'm ignorant about Ino. No matter what you say I can't help it. I'm so ignorant about her feelings and thoughts that it'd probably blow your mind at how insensitive I am. I'll tell you about when we were young…

We practically grew up together as kids and we're about 16 or 17 now. I didn't pay too much attention to her back then, so did she, so busy with her thing and all. We didn't really see eye to eye and argued and bickered everyday about something stupid or another, when I felt like it of course, when we were 12 and assigned to the same Genin team.

It was hell, those years were. She was even more rabid about this one guy, what was his name?, Uchiha I think, but that's not the point, fact of the matter is that she was weird to my point of view. But who am I to judge, I probably looked like an extremely gross alien to her. We both didn't understand each other, not a tiny bit. Her actions baffled me, more so with her words because, this what I've been trying to say since the beginning, is how she can say one thing but the meaning is entirely a universe so different and messed up than the other. And this power of hers…scares the living daylights out of me.

It's true. I'm lazy but thank God I'm observant. She says one thing but gets angry when she doesn't have her way since the thing she said had a totally different meaning. I learned from my constant and silent observations that girls, and I mean all of them, have the same misleading habits. It didn't bother me but I soon found out that girls' emotional interpretation range is very different from us men indeed. Us, well, we're slobs. Both in relationships and emotional awareness. When it comes to girls, our minds only go overdrive only when pursuing them but when we get what we want, we run out of batteries and loose momentum and then we soon run on a one-track course. It's sad, and I thought that I wouldn't run that track…

As you can already see, I eventually became her boyfriend, then her fiancé. Though we're still far from matrimony age, we were engaged to insure our, (ehem cough, cough), "future". Right, like I don't know that it's all a ploy to insure our clans' stable future with familiar terms and acquaintances. Our clans, not ours. How troublesome!

Anyway, we men are smart enough to get a hold of much-coveted tips from woman talk terminology guides we find lying around tavern lavatories. Heh, who in the world uses those hogwash "dummies guide" books? Morons? However, as I'm saying this, I see Sai reading a "How to have a Super Wonderful-tastic and Happily-rific Smile to Avoid Wibbly-Wobbly Situations!" Guide by a café with that strange foreign (although extremely pretty) girl, Isagani who was scribbling on her notebook and commenting on him being a clodpoll while steadily munching on those pastillas de leche things she carries around while he attempts to snatch one from her hand playfully. I stand corrected. Anyone who's socially clueless and fancying someone who doesn't see you as person she thought she would like in a million years. Example: pastillas de leche eater and foul-mouth artist. Anyone who is like that reads those.

Hey, what am I complaining about? Ino and I are like that! Hence, I, too benefit from the dreaded and scorned "dummies guide" and I find it fine, thank you very much. Clearly, it helps patch up relationships.

And I'll tell you how it served me for that very purpose.


	2. The Tale

Chapter Two

**Okay, the next chapter's up! Pls. have mercy on me! Anyway, due to the request and much appreciated opinion of a **_**kababayan**_** (fellow Filipino), I made the dialogues Tagalog. I'll upload the English version of this very soon! Okay? Review if you understood okay?**

**Italics means the real meaning and thoughts of what the characters are really saying.**

**Chapter Two: The Tale**

And here, my troublesome audience is my story…

Just feel free to frown, cringe, gasp, and swear at me and whatnot at the right moments, please.

#

As a young couple we were expected a whole myriad of unbelievably inane acts of infatuation just to appease the perpetrators and conniving masters of this wretched ploy known as me and Ino's arranged engagement, none other than their troublesome parents. We hadn't taken to the expectation quite nicely, more so with me who actually found it in my tall and lanky structure to yell protests at such unreasonable actions. But Ino, like the natural-born girliest of the girly-girls that she was, was astonishingly tolerant to the extent of taking to handholding and walking together like a fish to water. Well, like a lung fish forcibly dipped and held down in acidic and polluted water. And when I had the gall to point that one piece of information out to her, the fact that she quite enthusiastically taken herself to crushing my poor hand in a vice-like grip and destroying my toes while walking on perfectly safe ground with her stilettos would be the least of the obscene censorship I had to bestow on my experiences.

#

Oh, but who in his right mind would want to hear about me being mangled to death by my irate and easily irritated fiancée? Leave the lazy old bum named Shikamaru to bleed on the street, mangled and bloodied because Ino, who was notably not that skilled in taijutsu except in catfights where she almost always emerges victorious with the Amazonian glow of glory that Tsunade would be proud of, had beaten him senseless.

Who would _really_ want that when I would be relating the tale of how we have had the massive share of the ups and infinite downs of our path to romance lane into the bowels of matrimonial bliss in our years to come?

#

Enough of that, though. Basically, I'm saying that despite the fact that me and Ino should be comfortable with ourselves in order for our relationship to work (and it did, in some twisted way although it does need a whole lot of tune ups now and then), but we still cannot deny that Ino and I have a wild and rough relationship. Not _that_ kind of relationship. God, NO! Ino would kill me if she even caught wind of that kind of insinuation like that. Anything so vulgar such as that would have me on my death knell before Naruto even ascends into being Hokage.

Anyway, like I said we bicker and argue with each other. Not that different when we were kids, that is a sad misjudgment of our actions. Well, let me put it this way, we fight so much that our only break from our daily activity is when we breathe. But, that's our life, we do it almost everyday. More often than not, we get angry at each other over all the littlest things.

Why, just a week ago we had a big fight at a restaurant we went to. It was our weekly dinner date (forced upon us by our meddling parents so we would get to the romantic phase of our messed up relationship) and we had just finished dessert. It would have been a normal night for me but I noticed something was off. I looked at Ino and noted the stiffness in her body, her pursed lips, her downcast eyes and that killer aura that actually scared the bejesus out of me the first time I laid eyes on her until I caught hold of myself before revealing that fear to her, of course (sometimes I think that Ino can smell my fears, even if they have lessened during the course of my 17 year old life). Then as we finished taking the last bites of our dessert (suddenly shared, no less) I noticed that she had become silent, which was very strange because Ino was almost always shooting her mouth off like a machine gun. She was staring at me strangely, eyeing me with a really frigid and almost hateful glare to her powder blue eyes.

This incident started, as I said earlier, over the littlest thing then escalated into a scandalous row before anyone there in the restaurant can even blink the rage dust off their eyes.

She had, of course, drawn in a shuddering breath then screamed herself hoarse at me, with eyes that could make Hell freeze over.

**Shikamaru:** May ginawa ba ako?!

**Ino:** Wala!!

**Shikamaru: **O, ba't ka galit?!

**Ino: **Ayokong pag-usapan!!

**Shikamaru: **O, 'no'ng problema?! Pambihira, nagtatanong na nga ang tao…pambihira…

She glared at me and I was really puzzled by her actions. But the look in her eyes right then and there made me think over if I had more right to get angry with her with the way she acted towards me. The faint trace of tears in her eyes stilled me. What did I really do to screw things up now?

**Ino: **Wala talaga!!

**Shikamaru: **eh di wala… eh, ba't ka nagkakaganyan-?

**Ino: **Wala. Talagang-talaga.

As I could remember, everything was going smooth. Either that or the drink I ordered was mistakenly alcoholic. She was supposed to go to my place before I escort her home, not that happy but content nonetheless. Then as we were walking, all of a sudden she began to cry. Okay…that was awkward and I was about to run for my life. How was I supposed to have a jolly good time with end up in tears and hysterical fits of laughter? I'm just a guy, an average Joe. Not Superman!! And, well, things got ugly so I really don't want recount it ever, so we'll skip that.

And then the word rage began again.

**Ino: **Shikamaru, iuwi mo na nga ako…

**Shikamaru:** O, ano naman ito?

_**Shikamaru:**__ Hay naku, OA naman nito o…_

**Ino: **Iuwi mo na nga ako! Papatayin kita kapag hindi mo ako sinunod. (already crying)

**Shikamaru: **O, ba't ka umiiyak? May sinabi ba ako?

And then she looked me in the eye, hurt written in her eyes. Okay, that was new to me. But I had other pressing matters staring at me. Ino, for example, is one and I do not intend for her to be a problem run amok.

And judging by the way she was staring at me with hate, I'd recommend a running speed of 150 kph. Or at least under 1000 kph so you can still have a head start against her.

But I had no need for that, not when she looked at the ground for a bit. Then a moment later she glanced back up, overwhelming hurt glossing over her usually perky and effervescent features. Then in a low whisper she answered me emptily.

**Ino: **Wala. Wala talaga. Talagang-talaga.

And we ended up going home on our separate ways. I tried to tail her, calling her obnoxious, primadonna, and the usual like I call her when she's in one of her prissy rages. And usually when I insult her, or at least tease her without the scorn, she'll retort cleverly, with much more sting and pain than I can even give. Clever girl, I would sometimes murmur to myself when she gets back at me through that.

But, at that moment she ignored me. Even as I called her mean names and made snide comments at her bratty behavior, she would not spare me a glance. So I tested her a bit more. Bad idea. She told me to take a hike and never show my ugly mug to her again. "Leave me alone!!" she said. And with that she left me in the curb. Not bloodied nor mangled. Just, confused.

I would have dismissed it as another childish fight if I was an idiot and my IQ was negative 200 (which I'm not). Right then I discovered that my perceptiveness was a double-edged sword. Because while it helped me reach high ranks at a young age, it opened my eyes to the ugly truth, that the relationship that held me and Ino together (already in tatters, I might add) was going to be obliterated.

Why? Because she said the doom spell that could destroy our relationship. Her last words that night…would probably be the last she'll say to me if I didn't fix this mess.

And because of that I felt bad. No, not just bad, horrible and I felt like wretch. At that time, I didn't feel like a genius, I felt like the biggest idiot in the whole universe. And for the following days I could not go through my usual routines. Could not sleep and could not focus on the clouds that floated invitingly in the sky.

And so upset was I that my Dad finally found the paternal instinct in him to lift my spirits: making me learn the gravity of my idiocy by working me like pack mule 24/7. And then he had the gall and nerve to play Dr. Phil in the most dysfunctional and unorthodox way of all: giving "Dad" advice. Man-to-man, mano-a-mano, guy-to-guy masculine power-to-masculine power. Troublesome.

Dad, if I wanted advice, I'd go to the local barber shop and talk to the barber (usapang barbero). But, that didn't deter my father one bit.

And this is his train wreck of an advice:

**Shikato:** Alam kong may ginawa kang masama kahit hindi mo alam ito. May natural na kiling ang mga babae, lalo na sa mga katulad ni Ino, sa mga bagay na tulad ng mga pagkakamali ng mga lalaki sa kanilang relasyon. At, maniwala ka, palaging may kasalanan ang lalaki sa mga situation na ito. Kaya ka dapat alerto! Kaya lang anak, pambihira ka! Pagkalalaki mo pa naman! Papatayin ako ng Yamanaka clan! Kaibigan ko pa naman si Inota!

And then there was a pause until he realized something, stared at me and then hit me on the side of my head with a force so uncommon of him since Dad was passive enough on domestic terms (due to Mom, of course). And then he cursed at me, asking why I was born with the defect of being emotionally retarded towards my fiancée's feelings.

**Shikato: **Ptragis kang bata ka! Anak ng mahiwagang kikiam, galing ka ba sa dugo ko?! Pambihira!

I glared at him and rubbed the offended spot on my head. I huffed angrily and retorted back at my Dad with relish.

**Shikamaru:** Igno ka naman, Papa! Dpta, masakit 'yon! Shet! Wala nga ako ginawa tsaka mo 'ko sasaktan!

**Shikato: **Eh, ano ba ang ginawa mo para magalit sa'yo si Ino?

I was at a loss for words for a moment but I easily recovered and sighed exasperatedly, passing my big hand through my hair. Things were really messed up. Girl troubles and the like were not as predictable as the many battles I've been in. though others may think that those would be way harder than girl problems, I'd rather take my chances on a month long espionage and secrecy mission with the stakes at hand as high as Yao Ming. That's how troublesome being in a major fight with Ino is to me. And needless to say I avoid those things as much as I can. However, this time I did not only fail to evade something like this, I caused it by the look of things. And I don't even know what I did to upset Ino!

**Shikamaru:** Pa, hindi ko nga alam.

**Shikato:** Aba'y dapat mo malaman, Shikamaru! Tignan mo naman ako, maligaya ako hindi ba? Maligaya kami ng Mama mo 'di ba?

Uh-huh. That from a guy who's seriously whipped by his own wife. "A_nder" nga kung sasabihin_. Who's he to say something helpful about relationships? Of course I knew that Ino may notice something unsightly from me, but she'll tell me, won't she? It's Ino were talking about, Dad, not you and Mom! I love her, but I dare not say this, haven't really been noticing the signs. Dad and Mom don't understand me, Ino obviously has something in her chest she needs to get off and I'd better give her some space.

However, while I was waiting for my girlfriend to cool off, here's one of Dad's stupid and dysfunctional "morale-boosters" that unsurprisingly don't boost your morale at all.

**Shikato:** Remember, happy thoughts lead to happy things! Lalo na sa mga relasyon! Tignan mo mo 'ko, masaya pa rin ako kahit magkabukol-bukol na ang noo ko sa mga tama ng taking ng bakya ng Mama mo.

Suddenly, a scary aura reared its ugly its ugly head behind Dad and we both flinch violently; familiar with the aura and knowing that apocalypse will soon descend upon us. Mom was standing behind Dad with vicious and killer intent that was her signature when she was cross; very, very cross. And she held one of Dad's katanas like an expert. This is one of the situations that make me wonder why she wasn't a ninja. She had enough ability with deadly weapons to do solo class-S missions; or so I thought when she's cross with Dad.

**Shikamaru's mom:** Ano'ng sinabi mo mahal kong Shikato?

Dad was actually cowering before her, as he explained himself.

**Shikato:** W-W-Wala, m-m-m-m-mahal ko…

Then she turned towards me and asked me what my dad said in a voice like poisoned honey but the demonic look in her eyes betrayed her.

**Shikamaru's mom: **Ano'ng sinabi ng Papa mo, anak?

I gulped a massively large lump of spittle that gathered in my throat. It was so scary that I actually had the unbearable urge to pee in my pants. So, fight or flight? Against Mama? Flight!

**Shikamaru:** AngsabiniPapaaynagkakabukol-bukolangnoonyadahilsabakyamo!!

Mom smiled in the demonic way of her's again and eyed Dad carefully.

**Shikamaru's mom:** Tama ba ito, mahal ko?

Dad waved his hands in front of his face, which was turning into a rather unhealthy white.

**Shikato: **H-H-H-H-H-Hindi m-m-m-m-ma-h-h-h-h-al k-k-k-k-ko-o! W-W-W-Wal-l-l-a a-a-a-akong s-s-s-sin-n-n-as-s-sab-b-bi n-n-n-a gan-y-y-yan! Di ba Shikamaru?

I was no longer there. Which, of course, made Dad angry.

**Shikato: **TRAYDOR KANG DIPUTA KA!!

Of course I wouldn't remain there anymore and get caught in the crossfire! What am I? Daft? Stupid? Hell, no. I'd rather run than face my angry Mom! See ya, Dad!! And so I ran like a spring chicken amok. Loyalties aside, I have no intention on embarking an involvement into an affair that results in broken masculine dignities as well as broken bones.

When I was a safe distance away and was panting like an asthmatic dog, I then considered the advice that Dad had given me preemptive of Mom's attack. And then I truly did believe that it was a totally stupid advice. Not only did he get the point all wrong, he didn't even hit the mark for a good answer. How in the hell did I end up with a Dad like him?

Enough of that, I have other pressing problems to think about, namely Ino. What was I supposed to do about her? She was obviously very upset at me. Not just very; very, VERY, **VERY** upset at me. And I really didn't know what was wrong with her. Ah, but girls were extremely complex, or so I heard from the married, or at least attached, young men I worked with. They really make it a point for men to get the idea of what they want instead of spoon feeding it to them. Ingenious but troublesome. I really don't know if Ino's case is like that. If so, I'd be killing precious brain cells reserved for thinking strategies in class-S missions on just thinking and figuring out Ino's problem.

Bah, what the heck! Why kill precious brain power reserves when I can ask professional advice?

And so, off I went to ask for professional advice. From my friends. And I wonder why I didn't foresee that all it would bring me was trouble.

**Okay, was that good? Review if you understood it. If you didn't, don't fret I made an English version of the dialogues.**


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Naruto, Humor, Romance