Harry Potter 1. Harry Potter

There are a few things Harry Potter would make very clear.

It has recently come to his attention that many muggles are under several false impressions about himself, and his friends, teachers, acquaintances, enemies, etc.

So, he has decided it is clearly his duty to put a great many rumours to rest.

First and foremost, Harry James Potter would like to let the world know that under no circumstances has he ever harboured secret feelings for Draco Malfoy. Not any public ones either, in case you were wondering. He would also like to let the muggles know that when informed of this rumour, the delicious treacle tart he had consumed for breakfast began to make its way back to the world, as his face turned a lovely shade of green that matched his eyes magnificently.

Secondly, Harry has never harboured any public or private feelings for Severus Tobias Snape. (Who is not in fact his father, if anyone were pondering that question as well. He wonders how anyone _could_ have thought that, considering that fact that, I don't know, he looks like _carbon copy_ of his real father, James Potter.) He would like to add that the only reason that he would ever want to alone in a dark room with Snape is so he could hex him without any witnesses.

Another person he would rather feed Hedwig to Fluffy than be with is his, as previously mentioned, _real_ father, James Potter. This rumour makes Harry even more sick than the Draco situation. Even _that_ was less repulsive to him than when he heard people thought that he'd do this. He doesn't even fancy blokes, much less someone he's related to. He's astounded that someone would think this of him and his _dead _parent.

He also denies vehemently having and feelings for Sirius.

Or Remus.

Or Ron. (This one turned him an attractive shade of puce.)

Or Hermione. Well... there was that week in first year, but after it became obvious that his best friend was in severe denial about developing feelings for the girl, he thought it best to step aside, even though Ron didn't even know of his own feelings yet.

Harry would like to bring to light the fact that he is of a moderate-to-slightly-high temperament (completely understandable, considering what he's been through) but is able to deal with most of his anger in healthy enough ways. Maybe he yells a little too much sometimes, but he does not do anything which could remotely require a psychotherapist. He also wants to let the muggles know that he does not wear skinny jeans (they'd look awful anyway, he has knobby knees), or nail polish, or cross-dress, or have pierced ears, or have any inclination to cut his fringe at such an angle that he'd always be flipping out of his face.

One rumour that sent Harry into a fit of laughter was this: He was supposed to be seeing Albus Dumbledore.

No really, they thought so.

His face managed to turn the colour of the Weasley's hair, he sniggered so much. (He does seem to have quite the range of facial colours, doesn't he?) He won't even bother correcting this one. He wants to see Dumbledore's face when he finds out.

Harry would appreciate if the muggles _did_ realize that the following relationships did not occur:

1) Himself and Dobby. (Is that even physically possibly?)

2) Himself and Peter Pettigrew. (He hates that man for what he did, he'd rather jump off the astronomy tower than think of it. Though, as aforementioned, he has no suicidal inclinations. None.)

3) Himself and Minerva McGonagall. (Er, ew. He just suffered many mental images he will never be able erase from his brain.)

4) Himself and his mother, Lily Evans-Potter. (He believes a little of his breakfast actually did come up for this one. His _mum_, they thought. That's just... beyond icky.)

5) Himself and any member of Slytherin house, male or female, past or present. He's only actually had two real relationships, neither with a bloke, and neither with a Slytherin.

Believe it or not, ladies and gentleman, this is not all the rumours.

I know, Harry was shocked too.

After hearing the excess of other rumours, he wants to let you know:

Harry is most definitely a wizard.

And most definitely a boy. With all the thoughts, behaviours, and body parts required of one.

He does not have a twin sister. Or a brother. Or any type of sibling. None of whom would be locked away, or ignored, or forgotten if his parents had decided to have another baby after him.

He loves his friends. In a completely non-sexual, platonic way.

Unless you count Ginny. That would be another story... But that's besides the point.

His name is certainly Harry Potter.

Sirius is not his father.

Nor is Remus, Dumbledore, Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy, Pettigrew, Mr. Weasley, Frank Longbottom, or Grawp.

He would prefer if no one asked how that last one could even be possible. Really, please don't, he's already gone through enough today.

He is the Boy Who Lived.

He does not have any romantic feelings for Voldemort. Or any friendly feelings at all, the man killed his parents! He frowned intensely upon hearing this.

He is _not_ evil, does _not _support pureblood supremacy, does _not_ want to join the dark lord, and has _no plans whatsoever_ to take over the world himself, as soon as Voldemort's out of the way.

His parents are, most unfortunately, no longer alive. They did not raise him, abuse him, abandon him, get sent to an alternate universe, move to Canada, join the witness protection program, fake their own deaths, switch bodies, get sent to the future, have their wands on them when they died, or never exist.

Harry wonders deeply how they expect _him_ to exist if his parents never did.

And he finds it terribly odd that so many muggles know so much about him.

Incredibly creepy, actually.

He would rather not be informed of how these people procured this (mostly false, but sometimes accurate) information. He chooses not to ask, because he fears what more he might hear of this false accusations. Some questions are just better left unanswered. (Such as inquires like 'D'you reckon it'd be interesting if Harry and Crabbe got together?')

There is a question Harry would like answered, though: Why on _Earth_ would people think he fancied his cousin Dudley?

Really, even if Harry happened to like blokes, and were not related to the boy, he had to have better taste than that.

Urgh.

He regrets thinking that last sentence.

He also regrets having to hear the rumours he has set to straighten out.

Not only did it make his face turn colours he wasn't even sure were possible, but he also can never, ever eat cherry pie again after hearing the full extent of a particularly unsettling story about himself and Snape. Or any type of cherry-flavoured item, for that matter.

It's bringing the green back into his face thinking about it.

He can't stop thinking about it.

He really, really hates that his mind will not allow itself to drift anywhere else.

He also, really, really, _really _hates that it wasn't the _worst_ story he heard.

Harry's not going to tell you what the worst one was. It's too graphic to be talked about in polite company.

He will confirm that it involved Draco, Lucius, a house-elf, a pair of handcuffs and textbook that Harry will never be able to look at the same.

Alright, enough is enough. He has to stop reliving all of this.

He has decided to let you know that he gives up.

He's going to let the muggles think whatever they want about him, be it good or bad or just plain unimaginable. There is honestly too much of these for him to deal with, ever. He could sit for hours on end, listing the rumours he's got to deny. It'd take him several years to get it through everyone's thick skulls that practically nothing they think they know about him is true. He only hopes that you take the knowledge you have acquired, and share it with as many people as possible. But if you choose not to, he doesn't care.

He is Harry Potter, after all, and has better things to do that deal with correcting rumours.

And he happened to like that rumour about him, Cho Chang, Ginny Weasley and three Swedish transfer students.

_A/N: Hope no one's mad, but it was dying to be written. Not sure if I should make this a multi-chaptered fic or not, I'll leave it up to feedback. Disclaim._


	2. Hermione Granger

There are a few things Hermione Granger would like to make very clear.

After discussing with Harry some of the atrocious rumours that have been going around about _all_ of the people they know and herself, she's decided it's _her_ turn to tell the muggles what they need to hear.

Hermione Jean Granger's first point, as was Harry's, is to deny any romantic affiliation with Draco Malfoy. She has never, and does not want to:

a) Snog him. (Not in a dark room, not by accident, not intentionally, not in a moment of overpowering sexual tension, etc.)

b) Marry him. (And have to apply his hair grease for him ever morning? Never.)

c) Date him. (Oddly enough, this one disgusts her more than marrying him. After all the times he's called her the M-word, just to give him a second chance without a thought, because they've secretly fallen in love? Or to build up inner angst and ultimately decide that she must follow her heart and be with him, despite what he's done? _Come on_. That's not a very Hermione thing to do at all.)

d) Do... unmentionable things with him. For any reason. (She won't go into details about this one, but she will let the muggles know that her face has is now something akin to the colour of a tomato.)

e) Have his children. (Er, huh? Didn't she just tell you she _didn't_ want to do unmentionable things with Malfoy? Having kids sort of entails this. Under no circumstance, would she ever allow herself to give birth to the spawn of Malfoy.)

This next point Hermione will tell you is wrong is one that surprised her. She truly didn't ever think that this would be one relationship rumour to squash. A relationship between herself and Sirius Black. For one, he's almost twenty years older than her, if not more. Wouldn't it be a little inappropriate? Not to mention the fact he's practically a _father_ to Harry. What would that make her? Harry's step-mum? That's just whole new levels of awkward. She is at a loss for how to respond to this, other than a big, fat, "Er, what?"

Another relationship that turns her entire body all colours of uncomfortable, and makes her wish there was a loo nearby, is the accused one between her and... wait for it, Severus Snape.

She didn't believe it either.

But seriously, they actually were under that impression.

_Really_, the muggles are severely misinformed. She does not like her Potions professor, as a teacher, or a person. Besides the fact he's also a good twenty years older than her, she's got plenty of others. He's always been awful to Gryffindors, particularly her friends (or more specifically, Harry) and it absolutely makes her nauseous to think about it. He's also been a shady character throughout most of Hogwarts, and isn't a looker by any means. The Bertie Bott's _vomit-flavoured bean_ left a better taste in her mouth. She is currently unable to repress shudders at this disturbing notion.

In the line of professors that she has no wish to ever be with is Professor Slughorn.

Or Professor McGonagall. (More shudders. Her exceptionally large brain is now scarred thanks to you.)

Or Professor Vector.

Or Professor Dumbledore. (She admits she giggled at this one. Many, many times. She remains to have the willpower to confirm it as false though. Too bad, it would have been a sight to watch his reaction at the words.)

Or Hagrid.

Is that last one possible? Hagrid is a very large person, wouldn't it be rather...

She's not going to finish that sentence.

She deeply wishes she hadn't even started thinking it. Back to the rumours, then.

So, she'd like to inform you that she does not have feelings for Ms. Ginny Weasley. (Mr. Ron Weasley on the other hand is another story... but we're getting off topic.) She does not want to have relations with her in any other way than friendship. Sisterhood, if you think of how close they are. But no romantic feelings have, or ever will come to surface concerning the red-haired girl. In fact, she wants to let you all know that she's looking for a bloke, not a girl. She doesn't fancy the same sex.

Which is why she was utterly shocked to hear that people think she would do the _un_thinkable. Have a romantic relationship with _Pansy_ _Parkinson_. This grosses her out more than Draco. Maybe even more than Snape, and that's truly saying something. If by some weird chance that their presumption of her sexuality _was_ right (which it isn't) Hermione would definitely have higher standards.

Several more rumours she'd like to put to rest, are:

Hermione Granger is undoubtedly a witch.

Also, most affirmatively a girl. (And can prove it, though she'd rather not.)

She is also very sure she is not pregnant. There is no possible way this is true.

Hermione is not seeing Harry Potter, nor does she have feelings for him. (She did, for three days in second year, but that doesn't count, she was young, it was before she thought about Ron... anyway, she's not.)

She is not dating/having hybrid babies with Remus Lupin.

She is not time-traveling to have a love affair with James Potter. (That'd kind of get rid of Harry, wouldn't it? Plus, the man was besotted with Lily since he met her, that much was obvious from the pensieve.)

Her parents are indeed, Mr. and Mrs. Granger, and her father is not in fact, Tom Riddle Jr./Voldemort, Severus Snape, James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew Albus Dumbledore, Grawp, Lucius Malfoy (or any other Death Eater), a time-traveling Draco Malfoy, a time-traveling Harry Potter, a time-traveling Ron Weasley, or a night-troll.

She finds that last one offensive.

Hermione denies, in any way, resembling a night troll. It's not true.

Oh, and she must add that her mother is most definitely unable to be Minerva McGonagall, Lily Evans-Potter, Nymphadora Tonks, Severus Snape (don't ask), Molly Prewett-Weasley, Bellatrix Black-Lestrange, Hestia Jones, Dorcas Meadowes, Marlene McKinnon, Mary MacDonald, Dobby, or Moaning Myrtle.

_Dobby? Moaning Myrtle?_

Do house elves have genders, you may be wondering? Hermione confirms that she read it in the library.

But Moaning Myrtle? She's fairly certain ghosts can't have babies.

Besides the fact that Myrtle died when she was twelve. Over fifty years ago. Does Hermione _look_ like a senior citizen? (Though admittedly, wizards and witches to age better than muggles.)

She was born in England.

She does not have an evil twin, or _is_ she an evil twin.

She has no inclination to join the Death Eaters. She's a muggle-born, you nutters. Does this seem plausible in the least? She's not a closet self-hater, isn't secretly pureblood, and doesn't have the psychotic need to kill everyone, and does not love the pretense of 'cleansing the world of those filthy mudbloods.' She is a well-adjusted, non-prejudiced, non-self-hating teenage girl, with no intention to kill _anyone_, if she can ever help it.

She is not having nightly meetings with Voldemort in the astronomy tower to snog.

He killed one of her best friend's parents! And he's really, really old. She's not exactly sure how old, but older than Hagrid, and that's quite a claim, when you think about it. He's also a muggle-born hater, and has no plans to change his stance on whether or not anyone related to non-magical people should remain living. He's a mass-murderer, and a hypocrite, considering the fact that he's half-muggle. He's just... _evil_. She has turned a shade of yellow that rivals Crookshank's eyes at the accusation.

You ought to know that Hermione Granger is getting thoroughly annoyed by these rumours.

The muggles who made these claims are lucky she doesn't want to break the law, or she'd hex their ears blue. And possibly give them boils, or ask Ginny to perform her special bat-bogey hex. It's driving her nuts to have to deny so many of these. She can understand why Harry quit.

But her pride prevails over her exhaustion and irritation.

So she must insist you come to learn that she has not participated in any marriage law, nor has there ever been one, nor will there ever be one. She has no wish to get married at her age, and certainly not just because the Ministry tells her she must. It's a completely ludicrous notion, to say the least. She is a witch of a strong, clear mind, and knows that she will never allow someone to make her decisions for her. If she _were_ to want to get married, it would be her choice whom she attached herself to.

She does not play Quidditch. She's awful on a broom.

That last sentence was not an innuendo, and you are not to take it that way.

Hermione did not use her wand to enhance her... assets, so Gryffindor boys would notice her.

She didn't do it for the Slytherin boys, either, in case you were wondering.

And for Merlin's sake, _no,_ it wasn't for the Slytherin or Gryffindor _girls_ either, you sick people.

She does not torture house elves. Hasn't anyone seen her SPEW buttons? Or the large, knitted bladders she calls hats? (At this point in time, Hermione would like to extend a formal invitation to any wizards, witches, muggles, or magical beasts that are interested in the good of house elves to join SPEW, and vehemently disagrees with the implication the hats she knits look like any organ.)

She has an essay due, so these are all the rumours she can deny for now, but if you hear anything else, please leave a note and stick it to her dormitory window.

Oh, and if you run into Lavender Brown, she doesn't mind if you spread a rumour about her and Ron in the library after hours.

What? She's not a _saint_.

_A/N: There you have it, a second chapter. I'd like to make it clear that I'm not knocking fics which do contain some of this stuff, I actually happen to like AU stories if done well, but come on, you've got to admit, some are a bit ridiculous. I hope that everyone takes this in good humour. Disclaim. _


	3. Ron Weasley

There are a few things Ron Weasley would like to make very clear.

He had been having a conversation with his two best friends, Harry Potter and Hermione Granger, when he was told of their shocking situations, and how they've had to filter the rumour mill because the impressions these random muggles had on them were _that _bad. It was then he was informed of some of the rumours concerning him. He immediately decided to give this 'sorting out the madness' thing a go.

In the most polite way possible, Ronald Billius Weasley would like to inform you that he would rather have his eyes poked out with pitchforks... no, swords... no, daggers... than ever pursue _any_ type of relationship with Draco Malfoy.

In fact, he demands to be given a pitchfork to stab out the eyes of the fiend who suggested such.

Muggle rumour-spreader, I'd run if I were you. He looks mad.

But I digress. The point is, Ron adamantly protests that he will never ever lay a hand on Malfoy if the intention of his action is not the following:

a) Hexing him. (He actually hasn't been able to get in a harsh enough one, so he'd like the opportunity, if anyone's willing to cooperate with him to plot it.)

b) Punching him. (The muggles have the right idea about fighting, it's much more satisfying to know Malfoy's nose is bleeding due to his own strength.)

c) Blackmailing him. (The idiot's little Slytherin pals wouldn't be happy if he was caught hanging out with a _Gryffindor_.)

d) Pranking him. (Ah, how he loves having brothers who own a joke shop.)

e) All of the above. (Oh, that day last March was one he'll never forget... thank Merlin for dung-bombs. He'll always treasure the memory of that smarmy little boy's face scrunched up in disgust. He wishes that he'd had a camera. Ron says he's going to make a mental note to ask around to see if anyone happened to have one on them at the time.)

The next person that Ron is deeply scarred by the accusation of being with, is Harry Potter. Shockingly enough, people actually think he has the hots for his best mate. It's... indescribably uncomfortable. He is now an alarming shade of purple from a combination of being really angry and embarrassed, and trying to hold in his nausea. He blames you for this, in case you were wondering. He does not have any feelings or preferences to people of the same gender as him, and it repulses him that the muggles would think so.

The third, and most alarming and horrific rumour is this: a relationship with he and his sister Ginny. Oh, oh dear Merlin. He just threw up a little of his dinner in his mouth. His _sister_, they think. His poor, innocent, baby _sister_. He is protective of her, and cares for her, yes, but that's because he's her _brother_, you... you unimaginable dunderheads. He loves her in the you're-my-sister-and-I-sorta-have-to way, and he thinks she's one of the most important people in his life, but for the love of god, no, he never, _ever_, ever would want to... ugh. He won't even complete that thought. She's his _sister_!

He'd rather be stuck in the forest with thousands of acromantula for the next hundred years than hear that again. He now demands that you find a mandrake to deafen him.

Hermione has now managed to convince him that this wouldn't be a good idea. He was only persuaded by the fact he'd never be able to hear anyone coming, and people might take advantage of that.

He would now like to let you all know that he hates you.

Deeply.

While we are on the subject of the Weasley family, though, Ron wants to tell you that he has never, and will never, want to date Fred Weasley.

Or George.

Or Percy. (Why would anyone in the world want to date Percy, let alone someone who's related to him and _knows_ the bloke. This discussion continues to become more uncomfortable for Ron by the minute.)

Or Charlie.

Or Bill.

Ron would like a few moments to himself to properly vomit in the bathroom. Excuse him for a moment.

Alright, he's back.

And ready to tell you that no, he's never had any wishes to shove Pansy Parkinson in a broom closet. Unless there was a dragon in there, then he'd be more than happy to. A fully grown one, mind you, he wouldn't want her having any chance of making an escape. Do you think that Charlie would lend him one, maybe? The other dragon keepers wouldn't really notice, and he'd only be _borrowing _it. They could have it back after it ate Pansy.

And Malfoy.

Or any person who is and/or was a member of Slytherin house. Then they could have it back, good as new. Er, roughly. Pansy might do a number on the dragon herself. She looks like a basilisk, she does. Smells like one too. But that's besides the point.

What _was_ the point again? Oh yes, the squashing of rumours... Ron admits he's easily distracted sometimes.

Now that we're back on topic, he feels it his duty to tell you:

Ron Weasley is completely sure that he's a wizard.

And a man. Well, a boy if you want to be technical, but if anyone were to ask Ron his opinion, he would most likely declare in his deepest, most rumbling voice, "I'm a man, of course, why would anyone think otherwise?"

There is no secret eighth deranged Weasley child hidden deep within the Burrow. There is also no secret eighth deranged Weasley child _not_ hidden in the Burrow, either.

_He_ is not really a secret, deranged Weasley child, and he will make you eat slugs if you suggest it.

He doesn't have special night-time meetings with Dumbledore to do things that have nothing to do with school. He's laughing himself to tears at the thought, in fact. He can't breathe, he's sniggering so much. Thanks for that, he needed a bit of amusement.

He's not dating McGonagall. (Ron would like to add that at this rumour he screamed, in a very manly way, "AHHHHH! OH GOD, MY BRAIN WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!")

He's not having a passionate romance with Harry's dad, James Potter. Even if he had a time turner and somehow managed to go to a time where he was still alive, Ron has no wish to place his lips anywhere near his friend's father. Besides the fact that he's dead, he's married and it would probably mean that there would be no Harry Potter, he's pretty certain by the fact Harry _exists_ that Ron is not James Potter's type. He apologizes to Lily Evans-Potter if she were to ever come across this rumour in the past somehow, and tells her though she is lovely, he doesn't want to paint the town red with her, either, if she was to hear something about him craving such.

He has no wish to have nightly get-downs in the dungeons with Blaise Zabini.

He doesn't want to 'be _bad_' with Sirius Black.

Though Luna Lovegood is an... interesting girl, with a wicked ability to comment on Quidditch matches, she is not Ron's type and he has no wish be her mad boyfriend and go searching for wrackspurts with her. He's content with being her moderately-sane _friend_.

Ron is definitely a Weasley, his parents being Arthur Weasley and Molly Prewett-Weasley.

Not James Potter.

Nor Dumbledore.

And no, that doesn't mean it's Sirius Black, Kingsley Shacklebolt, any of his brothers, Horace Slughorn, Gellert Grindlewald, Harry Potter (he's younger than him... this is not possible without a darn good time-turner, good luck finding one, they destroyed the Ministry's entire stock), Severus Snape, Peter Pettigrew, Lucius Malfoy, Peeves the Poltergeist or the ghoul in his attic.

Peeves, seriously? What _is_ a poltergeist anyway, other than a nuisance? How could someone think Ron was part... whatever that is, he wonders.

Ha, ha. The _ghoul_. That's _hilarious_. He's simply in _stitches_ at the comparison. And I suppose you're going to tell him he needs to get his spattergroit treated immediately, hm? Just try it, Ron will take the pitchfork he planned to use earlier and just show you where you can put it.

He hints that it's not in your barn.

Ron has been informed by Harry that it is not worth it to go to Azkaban for spearing muggles, and so decides to continue his explanation.

So, his mother. It's not Hermione Granger (Merlin, that would horrible), Bellatrix Black-Lestrange, Lily Evans-Potter (what is it with people and Harry's family?), Amelia Bones, Minerva McGonagall, Sybill Trelawney, Emmeline Vance, Narcissa Black-Malfoy, Arabella Figg, Petunia Evans-Dursley, Winky the house elf or Dolores Umbridge.

Some might find it odd that he finds the Umbridge assumption more hurtful than Winky.

If you'd met her, you wouldn't.

He would like to declare to the world and all its creatures that he does not and will not ever be related to and/or pursuing a relationship with You-Know-Who (Harry interjects that Ron is being silly, and Ron finally mutters in a low, grudging tone, "Fine then. Voldemort,") and would like to borrow the nearest first year to throw at the person who said as much. If any muggles know a first year nearby, he'll give you his owling address.

He, unfortunately, is not secretly rich.

He has not impregnated anyone, or does he plan to. (At least not until he's married. His mum would kill him if he had a baby now. But no, that does not make Molly Weasley an axe-wielding, child-abusing murderer, if you were under that impression.)

He doesn't want to join You-Know- Voldemort and he truly believes that muggles are equal to wizards, even if they do make crazy assumptions without even asking the people about them first. He will never change his opinion on this matter, despite what anyone says. His nerve may waver, but never fades. He'll fight for his family.

He protests any claims that he is crying. His eyes are simply bleeding transparent blood.

He believes the topic at hand is getting lost again. So, where was he?

Ron is not married. Not even to Hermione Granger, rumour mill. He isn't dating her either. (Whether or not he wants to is a separate issue entirely.)

He _did_ date Lavender Brown. What a mistake that was. She kisses like a fish. (Ron would rather not disclose how he is sure of this comparison.)

He does not have a sexual preference towards house elves.

He now informs you that it is time for Quidditch practice, and he has no more time to tell you things he is not doing. If you hear anything that sounds off, assume it is not true. He simply must go now, because the last member of the team on the Quidditch pitch has to run laps, and he's already exhausted from all this rumour-defeating.

But if anyone hears a rumour about him getting with half the girls in Gryffindor tower, he will answer the same until his dying day:

"Heck yeah, mate, I _totally _did."

_A/N: Here it is, the third chapter. I like writing this a lot, though I'm not sure which character I want to do for the next chapter. Suggest one, if you like. Happy Terry Fox Day. 30 years of hope, and many more to come. Disclaim. _


	4. Draco Malfoy

There are a few things Draco Malfoy would like to make very clear.

The other day, he heard those noisy Gryffindors gossiping about how many muggles were under such strange delusions about the attendees of Hogwarts, and other wizards. He wouldn't expect any less of them, of course, his father has always said that those muggles are dirty and beneath them. But when Potter mentioned something about Draco, his attention was rapt, and he was astonished at what he heard.

Draco Lucius Malfoy informs you with a sneer on his face that he has never, and will never, want anything to do with Harry Potter. Since that first day, when he refused the offer of Draco's leadership so haughtily for no reason but Potter's obvious arrogance, the Gryffindor was marked as wretched in his book. It makes him sick to hear that anyone would suggest he had... ugh, relations, with him. Not only does Draco prefer the fairer sex, but that famous Potter prat thinks he's the best thing in the world, just for doing something he can't even remember.

It infuriates Draco that most of Hogwarts and the wizarding world agree with him.

The next thing which our most endearing pureblood first claims makes him want to regurgitate all over his expensive school robes is that _anyone_ would think he wants to be with that know-it-all Hermione Granger girl. Not only is she of unworthy blood-status, but her incessant need to quote textbooks every single lesson makes his ears bleed. Not to mention her hair looks like something Millicent Bulstrode's cat coughed out. He'll never know what that Weasley sees in her (Draco would have to be blind not to notice that boy's fancy).

Speaking of _Weasley_, he must tell you all that he has no desire whatsoever to come near Ronald Weasley, especially not with friendly intentions. Or, Merlin, he can't believe he has to say this, _romantic_ intentions. That hot-headed, ugly, red-head is the farthest thing from what a Malfoy deserves in a partner. And Draco reiterates he does _not_ want to date a male, he wants a _female_ if he hasn't made himself clear enough. Plus, the Weasleys are the poorest, most ridiculous blood-traitors there ever were.

Which is why Draco was shocked to hear that there is a second Weasley whom people think he belongs. Ginerva Weasley, the youngest and most female of the lot.

While he would admit that she looks a far sight better than her brother, he still does not wish to associate himself with her, or anyone like her. Got a nasty little temper on her, too, have you seen the way she uses that bat-bogey hex? Anyway, she doesn't want anything to do with him, either. She, like almost every other insane, tasteless girl at their school wants to be with _Potter_.

Stupid gingers.

But he's diverting from the original topic.

Draco will make it a point to say that his Potions professor is not someone with whom he'd like to be involved with. Severus Snape is not only rather gruesome-looking, but also has no respect for Lucius's position as the Dark Lord's right-hand man. If that hook-nosed cretin had not stepped in the way, his father would not have fallen from grace so easily. He was waiting there, like a vulture, skulking about until an opportune moment in which he could steal the most honoured position. But it was not only Snape's fault. Like all other problems, it comes back to Potter.

Always that cockroach Potter. Why on _Earth_ would people presume something about the two of them?

He has no time to dwell on insignificant details. He must terminate these god-awful rumours that have somehow spawned.

A most non-factual and distressing bit of slander is that he and his father, Lucius Malfoy, are in a relationship much more than father to son. Draco does not approve of the idea of purebloods marrying into their own families at any rate, the idea of courtships being just shy of incest is a little unsettling. (He'd rather not consider how closely his parents could be related.) But his own _father_? He would like to know from who's mind this most revolting notion was born, and what disease the suffer that would impair their mental facilities enough to believe this.

It is at this moment in which Draco shall enlighten you with the fact the following affairs have not occurred:

1) Draco and Vincent Crabbe. (That baboon? He doesn't know one end of his wand from the other. He'd have a more intelligent conversation with a radish.)

2) Draco and Gregory Goyle. (Sometimes he wonders whether Goyle's brain is just extra fat his body had no more room for.)

3) Draco and Neville Longbottom. (Does he _look_ like he wants a blubbering neandrethal who follows Potter around like a lost puppy.)

4) Draco and Luna "Loony" Lovegood. (For a Ravenclaw, she's astonishingly dim-witted. Seems she's two sickles short of a galleon, if you comprehend the analogy.)

5) Draco and his mother, Narcissa Black-Malfoy. (He has expressed his opinion of inner-family associations. His already light skin has tinged with green at the implication.)

He is unable to understand why these muggles have such disgusting and unimaginably inept brains to come up with such utter dung.

Nevertheless, there are more misrepresentations to deal with.

Draco has never met, been friends with, or had feelings for either of Harry Potter's parents. From his father's tales of being several years ahead of James Potter, the man was as filled with superiority as his son, and not agreeable to someone like Draco in the least. Both Potter males had/have the tendency to behave like they owned the school. Potter's mother, Lily Evans-Potter, was apparently quite similar to Ginny Weasley in her temperament, something very unappealing, and also of muggle descent. He would not enter in a relationship with either, were they alive and had interest.

He has already made clear his thoughts on Severus Snape, but would also like to convey to you he has not dated any of the other staff of Hogwarts.

Not Slughorn.

Nor McGonagall.

Nor Dumbledore. (Draco let out a snort of amusement at this idea. A series of snorts, actually, he nearly fell down the stairs, he was laughing so hard.)

Nor Umbridge.

Nor Trelawney. Especially not Trelawney, the mad old bat.

Draco Malfoy is confident he is a wizard.

He is also unquestionably firm in the statement that he is a male. And a handsome male at that, he does not mind adding.

He has no siblings. And yes, having no siblings means that he does not have a twin brother who is really Harry Potter. It also indicates he does not have a twin brother who's _not_ really Harry Potter, but Harry Malfoy.

He is not Draco Potter, Lily and James Potter's long-lost son if anyone was going to attempt to spin it that way, either.

He went to the Yule Ball with Pansy Parkinson. But that was it, she is not his girlfriend, no matter what she's told you.

His father is Lucius Malfoy.

Not the Dark Lord.

Or Fenrir Greyback.

Or Frank Longbottom.

The list of people who do are not his male biological parent contains, but is not limited to: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Arthur Weasley, Vernon Dursley, Xenophilius Lovegood, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Mundungus Fletcher, Rudolphus Lestrange, Rabastan Lestrange, Regulus Black, Harry Potter (not only an irritating suggestion, but also an impossible one, unless he's got the ability to time travel without a time-turner. He could, Potter has _everything_, the git), Albus Dumbledore, the Basilisk and Sanguini.

The _Basilisk_? He'd heard about what Potter had supposedly defeated in the chamber of secrets, but seriously? It's not only physically impossible, but Draco _doesn't_ have physical similarities with a snake. He could never seem like the child of born of a snake. Pansy might be, though. Her breath is foul.

Sanguini. The vampire. Oh, your wit is logic-defying. Like he hasn't heard _that_ comparison before. Draco is not amused by your simple minds and unfunny suggestions.

Speaking of unfunny suggestions, it is not humourous in the least to imply that Draco's mother is not Narcissa and is: Molly Weasley, Bellatrix Black-Lestrange, Poppy Pomfrey, Minerva McGonagall, a time-travelling Hermione Granger, Merope Gaunt, Alice Longbottom, Irma Pince, Gilderoy Lockhart or Nagini.

However effeminate he may seem, to the best of Draco's knowledge, Gilderoy Lockhart is a man.

He's discussed the snake issue. It _still_ isn't funny.

He was sorted into Slytherin house. No matter how much any muggles might want to think otherwise.

He is not spending his evening cavorting with the Dark Lord. While he must be a part of the cause, because it is his duty as his father's son, there is no romantic relationship between Draco and the most evil wizard since Grindlewald. It's a vile thought, in any case. _He_ looks more snake than man. Does that mean that the Dark Lord's other body parts are...?

It was a very poor decision on Draco's part to begin to ponder such a thought. Very poor.

It is a great misfortune that people are unable to _un_think something.

Draco _does_ have the inclination to be part of the Death Eaters. It is not his preference, as much as he is above muggles, he is not a killer. But it is what his father wishes, or at least, did wish at a point. It does have the advantage of earning respect for the Malfoys once more. And though his mother has always hated the idea of him joining, he must do it to protect her. Their lives are at risk if he does not complete his duties.

But this is a subject he'd rather not contemplate, especially not publicly.

He is not yet married to anyone. Not a by a law, not by his parent's arrangement, and not by choice. If ever were there a marriage law, Draco would not accept it easily, especially if the woman he was stuck with was not of the same status in society or purity as him. Anyone who believes he would take this in stride and possibly develop feelings for the girl has clearly not met Draco Malfoy. He will do what he chooses with his choice of wife. There have been so little things in his life he's had control over, and he won't relinquish control over this matter.

Draco has never been friends with a Gryffindor, or been interested in being with one as more than that.

He is looking over a list that has been handed to him by Pansy, whom he delegated to research the most horrid rumours, and has come to the unfortunate conclusion that the length of the parchment is more than his height.

He doesn't have _time_ to waste on such frivolous activities as grinding the bones of those who spread these lies and feeding them to his house elves. Nor does he have the time to spend explaining to the muggles just how meaningless the drivel they've been spouting is. He has... plans to make.

Those plans are not to pursue the affections of every female in Ravenclaw house.

If you imply that's because he wants to pursue the affections of every male in Ravenclaw house, he is obligated to poison your pumpkin juice.

He's not kidding. He's been testing out poisons lately. Just you wait.

Draco has decided it is indeed time to check on the brewing of particularly significant poisons, and that he has no more energy to waste upon mentally-damaged muggles. If one comes across any other fabrications, he requests you track the source and send him to Goyle for a thorough flogging. No age restrictions apply. Gryffindors are welcome, for once.

You are free to mislead Pansy to believe he's gay, though. (He recently learned that she sleeps with a _doll_ of him.)

He has sworn never to speak of the context in which he gained this knowledge.

Because, dear friends, in _that_ case, the truth was much worse than the rumours.

_A/N: There you have it. Life from Draco's most haughty and pretentious perspective. I guess I know who's next. Disclaim._


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor, Parody