Inheritance Cycle 1. Splat!

A/N: I am so sorry! I know I promised you a new story weeks ago but I've been very busy with my scouts and Elva and what not. But here I am! And ready to write!

Disclaimer: If I owned Murtagh, emm, I mean Eragon, would I be here writing fan fiction? Actually, I probably would, just not for Eragon. So no I do not own Eragon….yet… Eeep don't kill me Evil flying Monkeys!

Last story:

CRASH!!! A huge bang was heard from the kitchen.

The group ran in to find the table flung across the room and Roran cornering Spidey into the corner of the room.

"Damn you Spidey! You steal my girlfriend, my dignity and then beat me at chess! I won't have it!" Roran yelled as he brought the newspaper down.

SPLAT!

SheepSheepSheepSheepSheep

Chapter 1: Splat!

--The Kitchen--

"Owww! That hurt!" screamed Roran as an Apple Pie collided with the side of his head.

"Katrina? How could you?!" he screeched.

"I couldn't let you harm my Spidey! What kind of monster could kill a defenceless little spider?!" Katrina yelled back.

Roran turned around to face Spidey who was looking up at him with his innocent little eyes. All 8 of them.

"I hate you" Roran muttered to him.

Katrina picked up Spidey and headed towards the door.

Spidey turned around in her arms and smirked at Roran.

"This is not over you bloody spider! I will have my revenge!" Roran shouted as Katrina left.

"Well. Didn't see that coming." Kendra said.

"Lucky you" replied Murtagh.

"Did you?" Kendra asked.

"Yeah. I saw Katrina get the pie and I knew there'd be trouble." He replied.

"Shit" Nasuada cut in.

"What?" asked Arya.

"We left Eragon alone with Lauren." Nasuada answered.

"Meh. Maybe they'll kill each other." said Murtagh.

"No need to sound so hopeful Murtagh." said Kendra.

"A man can dream can't he?" He replied as he walked out.

SheepSheepSheepSheepSheep

--The Lounge--

"You were callin' me a pikey! You were disrespectin' my family! You were callin' my mum poor!" Lauren screamed at Eragon.

"That was well out of order that." said Liese.

"Where did you come from?" asked Murtagh as he walked in.

"Well right. I was over at Ryan's. But Lauren wasn't there cuz she was 'ere. And Ryan was there all "Why isn't Lauren here? Where's Lauren? When will she be here?" and I got so annoyed like I walked out and I'm glad I did, right, cuz it was mushup" Liese replied.

"Alright. Forget I asked." Murtagh said.

"Murtagh. Would you do the honours of giving Lauren the tour?" Nasuada asked.

"Emm. Do I have a choice?" Murtagh asked.

"No." she replied.

"Fine." he said "Come on Lauren."

SheepSheepSheepSheepSheep

--The Tour--

--The Prison--

"Is he an evil man? Is he an evil man? Is he an evil man? Is he an evil man?" Lauren asked.

"They're all evil men, Lauren." Murtagh replied.

"Is she an evil man?" Lauren asked.

"That's Durza, Lauren." Murtagh answered, stifling a laugh.

"So, Is she an evil man?" she asked again.

"Yes Lauren. Yes she, I mean he is." Murtagh replied getting extremely pissed off at this stage.

"Are they all Lex Luther?" she asked?

Murtagh stopped walking and banged his head of the wall.

"Some one kill me now." he muttered.

--The Lounge--

"I wonder how Murtagh is doing." said Nasuada.

"Well, he's been stuck with Lauren for the last hour. 10 bucks says he's wishing someone would just kill him."

Spidey scuttled past and under the study door.

"Get back here you damn spider!" Roran yelled as he ran.

He went to go into the study but he forgot to open the door.

Smack!

"Ouf!" Roran said as he hit the ground, unconscious.

"Hey peoples. We're back. And what the fuck happened here?!" Murtagh asked as he and Lauren entered the room.

"Well Spidey.." Kendra began.

"Actually. I don't want to know." Murtagh cut her off.

"Understandable." Kendra replied.

"Where's Eragon?" Murtagh asked.

"Emm I don't know actually."

--The sky--

Eragon and Saphira were flying over the Beor Mountains when Eragon decided to start singing.

"_I used to think that I could not go on  
And life was nothing but an awful song  
But now I know the meaning of true love  
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms_

_If I can see it, then I can do it  
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it" _

"Stop singing Eragon." Said Saphira

"_I believe I can fly  
I believe I can touch the sky  
I think about it every night and day  
Spread my wings and fly away  
I believe I can soar  
I see me running through that open door  
I believe I can fly  
I believe I can fly  
I believe I can fly"_

Eragon continued to sing.

"I believe that if you don't shut the hell up now, I'll throw you off and let you fly yourself!" Saphira said.

"But, but I'm practising for the X Factor!" Eragon replied.

"…….." Said Saphira.

--Uru'baen--

"Durza! Where is my hot chocolate and Marshmallows?" screamed Galbatorix.

"Emm. My King, Durza was captured by the Varden last week." said Jiminy, the Kings personal guard.

"But who will watch the Teletubbies with me?!" said Galbatorix.

"And who will watch the care bears with me? And play Spongebob? And get me cookies and milk? And get me Mr Snuggles when I feel sad?!" sobbed Galbatorix.

"Emm. I'm sure we can find some one else My King." Jiminy replied.

"But, but I want Durza!!!" He screamed.

"We were gonna play hairdressers!!"

"Emm. I could play hairdressers with you if it pleased you My King." Jiminy offered.

"It's not the same. I want Mr Snuggles screamed Galbatorix.

"My King, it seems that the Varden has taken Mr Snuggles too." said Jiminy.

"Mr Snuggles? NNNOOO! What about Mr snowman?!! And Stoney (The Green Egg)(Pictures of Mr Snuggles and Mr Snowman on my profile)?" Screamed Galbatorix throwing a tantrum.

"Stoney and Mr Snowman are gone too My King." Jiminy replied, scared now.

"NNNNOOOO!!!! This means War!" Galbatorix yelled.

--The Varden--

"Whoa." Murtagh said.

"What?" asked Kendra

"Why did I just get the feeling that Galbatorix just declared war on us?" He asked.

"Probably because we captured his Teddy Bear, Toy Snowman, the Green Dragon Egg and Durza and he probably only found out now." Kendra answered.

"Ahh. Makes sense. Well makes as much sense as anything around here." Murtagh said.

"Yeah. I'm hungry. Let's go eat." Kendra said as she got up off the wall.

"Okay." said Murtagh as the walked towards the Kitchens.

--Nasuada's study--

"Murtagh, Kendra. Good we're all here. I called you all to tell you that Galbatorix has assembled an army and is planning a full scale attack on the Varden." Nasuada said.

"Hmm. So I was right." said Murtagh.

"Yes and that's not the worst of it." Nasuada replied.

"What there's something worse than Murtagh being right?" asked Arya.

"Yeah. Eragon being right." Murtagh said.

"Hey!" Eragon said.

" He has got a point." said Kendra.

"Children! What I'm trying to tell you is….. Galbatorix… has an army of Cheese Monkeys." said Nasuada.

"Ha! I told you! I told you all! I was right! Galbatorix does have Cheese Monkeys! I win!" Eragon screamed.

"Eragon is right and Galbatorix has Cheese Monkeys. Yep. It's official. We're screwed." Murtagh said.

BANG!

"What the fuck?" yelled Kendra as everyone ducked.

A huge hole was blasted in the wall.

"Hahahahahahahahahahaha!" I'll teach you to take my Mr Snuggles, Mr Snowman and Stoney!!! Oh, and Durza."

Galbatorix exclaimed as he stepped through the hole.

"Shit." Murtagh said.

"Crap." Kendra agreed.

"We're dead." Arya said.

"Is he an Evil Man?!" asked Lauren.

SheepSheepSheepSheepSheep

I want at least 5 reviews before I update!

A/n: Not one of my better chapters but oh well. I'll try and do better on the next chapter. Yes I know I left ye with a cliffhanger. My bad. I'll make it up to you.. I promise. Although last time I promised to give you this story in 2 days and that was at least 3 weeks ago. Now press the Purpley button on the left and Review!

Dragon Rider Murtagh


	2. Galby The Bald

Disclaimer: Own nothing. Except Kendra and Spidey.

Last chapter:

BANG!

"What the fuck?" yelled Kendra as everyone ducked.

A huge hole was blasted in the wall.

"Hahahahahahahahahahaha!" I'll teach you to take my Mr Snuggles, Mr Snowman and Stoney!!! Oh, and Durza."

Galbatorix exclaimed as he stepped through the hole.

"Shit." Murtagh said.

"Crap." Kendra agreed.

"We're dead." Arya said.

"Is he an Evil Man?!" asked Lauren.

Chapter 2: Galby the Bald

Everyone in the room glared at Lauren.

"No Lauren he's not an evil man." said Murtagh sarcastically.

"Al-right." Lauren replied and walked over to Galbatorix.

"Who are you?!" she asked.

"Who am I?! Who am I?! I am the King of Alagaesia! I shall smite you all!" he answered her.

"Really?" she asked.

"Yes." He replied.

"Go on then" she said.

"What?" Galbatorix asked her.

"I said go on then. I aint afraid of no baldy villain. By the way, who shined your head? It's all shiny." she said.

"I'm not bald!" Galbatorix yelled.

"Are too" Lauren said.

"Am not"

"Are too!"  
"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"You're so mean!" Galbatorix yelled as he started throwing a tantrum. Again.

"I am not bald!!" he screamed.

Standing on the other side of the table, the group exchanged puzzled looks.

"Emm. Murtagh?" said Nasuada.

"Yes?" replied Murtagh.

"I thought you said Galbatorix was crazy," She asked.

"He is. Are you telling me that's not crazy?" he answered.

"But I thought you meant evil-genius crazy."

"Well, I didn't."

"Oh. Why didn't you say that?" she asked.

"Well why didn't you ask." he replied and looked at Galbatorix crying and jumping up and down.

"Right. This is just too painful to watch." Murtagh said as he walked to Lauren and Galbatorix.

"Look Galby. You're bald. Really bald. And I don't think I've ever seen you with hair. Get over it! You're not the only bald villain. Lex Luther and Wilson Fisk have the same problem! And you don't see them crying!" Murtagh said to him.

"But. But I want hair!" pouted Galbatorix.

"Then get a toupée!" yelled Murtagh.

"You're so hurtful!" Galbatorix screamed as he ran back through the whole in the wall and back to Uru'baen.

"Emm. Whoa this is awkward." said Jiminy. "Oh hi Murtagh!"

"Jiminy." replied Murtagh.

"Emm. Well. I'll go this way then." said Jiminy as he jumped out the window.

"Doesn't anyone use doors in here any more?!" asked Murtagh.

"GNOWMES!!" Roran said as he flew in through the window and hit into Nasuada's Gnome display.

"Apparently not." answered Nasuada.

"_Raindrops keep fallin' on my head  
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed  
Nothin' seems to fit  
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin"_

"What the hell?" asked Kendra.

"_And I said I didn't like the way he got things done  
Sleepin' on the job  
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin"_

Durza sang as he waltzed into the room.

"Oh hello." he said when he saw the group.

"How did you get out?" asked Arya.

"Oh. The fairies let me out." said Durza in a dreamy voice.

"They're so helpful aren't they?!" exclaimed Eragon.

Durza nodded eagerly as he waltzed out the hole in the wall and into the valley where Galbatorix and Jiminy had disappeared only minutes before.

"alright. That's enough stupidity for me today." Murtagh said as he and Nasuada left the room.

SheepSheepSheepSheepSheep

--2 hours later in the kitchens--

"Spidey. Come out, come out wherever you are." said Roran as he walked around the kitchen with a rolling pin. He was still wearing his apron and big white chefs hat and his eyes were wide like he was high and he was breathing heavily.

"I'm not gonna hurt you. I just wanna talk." he said.

He pulled back the curtain and hit who was behind it.

"Damn. It was only Eragon". he said as he went to looking for Spidey.

SheepSheepSheepSheepSheep

--Uru'baen--

"So. You think you have what it takes to beat me Durza? We'll shall see" said Galbatorix.

"You have beaten me many time my Lord. But now I have the fairies on my side." Durza replied.

"Ha! 2 pair! 8s and 10s!" Galbatorix exclaimed.

"House! Kings and 4s!". Durza replied.

"Damnit!" Galbatorix yelled.

"I'm sorry my Lord but you just can't beat me at poker." Durza said.

"Enough with your yammering Durza! The Teletubbies are on!" Galbatorix said as he walked over to the T.V.

"I bags being Tinky Winky!" Galbatorix said.

"Darn. I guess I'll be Dipsy then…." said Durza.

SheepSheepSheepSheepSheep

--The Varden--

"Hmm." Murtagh said.

"What's Hmm?" asked Kendra.

The two were sitting on the wall outside.

"Well. I know Durza got away, but we still have the Teddy Bear, Snowman and Dragon Egg. I know Galbatorix likes the Teddy most, so maybe we could use it against him." Murtagh replied.

"Maybe. What did you have in mind?" Kendra asked.

Murtagh smiled. "Leave it to me" he said as he got up and left.

--Uru'baen--

"Letter for you my Lord." said Jiminy as he walked into the throne to find Galbatorix dressed in a purple Teletubbie suit and Durza in a green.

"Give it here then." Said Galbatorix.

The note read:

'_We have the bear. Do exactly what I tell you to and he will not be harmed._

_We have enclosed a picture as proof._

_We'll be in touch soon.'_

Galbatorix took out the picture and saw Mr Snuggles with a small blond wig and a pink frilly dress.

"NO! MR SNUGGLES!!!!"

SheepSheepSheepSheepSheep

A/n; Hey yeah, I know it's short. I want at least 5 reviews before I update. I know it isn't that funny and it isn't one of my better chapters but I hope you like it anyway. I kinda snookered myself with Galby but I did me best. Next chapter is to be the X-Factor!

I couldn't resist.

Review! 

Dragon Rider Murtagh.


	3. Eragon Meets Simon Cowell

Last Chapter:

"Letter for you my Lord." said Jiminy as he walked into the throne to find Galbatorix dressed in a purple Teletubbie suit and Durza in a green.

"Give it here then." Said Galbatorix.

The note read:

'_We have the bear. Do exactly what I tell you to and he will not be harmed._

_We have enclosed a picture as proof._

_We'll be in touch soon.'_

Galbatorix took out the picture and saw Mr Snuggles with a small blond wig and a pink frilly dress.

"NO! MR SNUGGLES!!!!"

Chapter 3;

Eragon Meets Simon Cowell:

"_Somewhere over the rainbow  
Way up high  
There's a land that I heard of  
Once in a lullaby _

_Somewhere over the rainbow  
Skies are blue  
And the dreams that you dare to dream  
Really do come true"_

Eragon sang into the karaoke machine.

"That was great!" Arya exclaimed!

"It was as good as the original!" Nasuada said wording her sentence carefully.

"Not hard as the original sucked." Murtagh said.

"WAHHH!!!" Eragon wailed.

"Everyone's out to get me! You'll see! I'll get on the X-Factor and I'll win!" Eragon yelled.

"Eragon, as long as the other contestants aren't chipmunks with tonsillitis, you haven't a hope in hell of winning." Murtagh said.

"Or if Lauren thinks she's Celine Dion again and gets up and sings "Titanic" again like when she was supposed to marry Ryan but he left her at the alter." Liese said.

"But I didn't though. I never sang Celine Dion." Lauren defended.

"But you did though."

"No I didn't"

"You did though"

"Am I bovvered?"

"No, but…"

"Look at my face, does my face looked bovvered? No my face doesn't look bovvered cause I aint bovvered!" Lauren said.

"Anyway!" Murtagh interrupted. " We have a bigger problem on hand."

Everyone looked at him confused.

"Uh, how did I get landed with the biggest bunch of retards in Alagaesia? Eragon's gonna sing! In front of people!" Murtagh exclaimed.

"I dunno, it's Simon Cowell, I don't know if he classes as people or devil dog from hell." Kendra said.

"True, but there will be people there." Murtagh said.

Speaking of Eragon, where is he?" Nasuada asked.

Everyone looked around, sure enough, he was no where to be seen.

"AHHHHHHHH!" Eragon screamed running through the wall and smacks into a bookshelf, knocking him out.

"Oh come on! He runs through a wall and a bookshelf knocks him out?!" Murtagh said.

Then Roran came in through the Eragon-shaped hole in the wall.

"What the hell did you do to your face?!" Katrina yelled.

"I borrowed some of your moisturiser." Roran said.

"That's tinted moisturiser you plank!" Katrina yelled.

Roran looked in the mirror.

Half of his face was dark and the rest was pale.

"NOOOO!!! MY FACE!" Roran screamed.

"Don't over do it now." Murtagh said.

"MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!" Roran yelled.

"You just over did it." Murtagh said as he smacked Roran in the face with a frying pan.

"Ouff."

"Guys, we lost Eragon again." Arya said.

"Ugh." everyone else said in unison.

--At The X Factor--

"Name?" the girl asked.

"Eragon Morzansson." Eragon answered

"Song?" she asked

"Fairytale of New York" he answered.

"Through that door and go to the right." the girl said.

"Thankees." He said as he went through the door.  
"OTHER WAY!" the girl said.

"THANKEES!!" Eragon said going right.

--The Varden--

"He must have gone to the X Factor" Kendra said.

"Well no duh." Arya said.

"Hey, fuck of gingey!" Kendra yelled.

"It's not my fault you were pointing out the obvious!" Arya yelled back.

"Well at least I can tie my shoes without getting confused!" Kendra shouted.

"Ohh, you got served." Murtagh said.

"SHUT UP MURTAGH!!" they both screamed.

"Whoa, PMS much?" Murtagh said.

"AL-RIGHT!" Lauren joined in yelling.

Everyone looked at her.

"Stop disrespecting each other! It's out of order!" Lauren screamed.

"Lauren, Am I bovvered?" Kendra asked.

"What?" Lauren replied.

"Look at my face, Am I bovvered? Out of order, disrespecting each other, I aint bovvered!" Kendra said.

"No, you don't say that!" Lauren said.

"I don't care, cause I aint bovvered!" Kendra said.

"Well" Lauren said.

She reached out and tipped over a statue on the desk in front Kendra and she walked out.

"Anyway, we better get to the X Factor, before the world ends, I mean, Eragon sings." Nasuada said.

"Isn't that the same thing?" Murtagh asked as he left.

--At the X Factor--

"Look there he is!" Nasuada exclaimed as they got into the audition.

"Yeah, we can all see him, Nasuada." Arya said.

He was standing right in the middle of the stage.

"Well, I guess there's nothing we can do but let him humiliate himself." Murtagh said as he sat down. The rest of the group sat down as well.

"Name?" Simon Cowell asked.

"Eragon." Eragon replied.

"And what song are you "Singing""? Simon asked.  
"Fairytale of New York." Eragon replied.

"Well, go on then. We haven't got all day." Simon said.

"_It was christmas eve babe  
In the drunk tank  
An old man said to me, wont see another one  
And then he sang a song  
The rare old mountain dew  
I turned my face away  
And dreamed about you_

Got on a lucky one  
Came in eighteen to one  
Ive got a feeling  
This years for me and you  
So happy christmas  
I love you baby  
I can see a better time  
When all our dreams come true

Theyve got cars big as bars  
Theyve got rivers of gold  
But the wind goes right through you  
Its no place for the old  
When you first took my hand  
On a cold christmas eve  
You promised me  
Broadway was waiting for me

You were handsome  
You were pretty  
Queen of new York city  
When the band finished playing  
They howled out for more  
Sinatra was swinging,  
All the drunks they were singing  
We kissed on a corner  
Then danced through the night

The boys of the nypd choir  
Were singing Galway bay  
And the bells were ringing out  
For christmas day"

Eragon screeched.

" Even if the chipmunks are singing, he hasn't got a chance" Murtagh whispered to Kendra. She nodded in agreement.

Just then Lauren walked in with Liese.

Eragon continued to "sing"

"_You scumbag, you maggot  
You cheap lousy faggot"_

"ARE YOU DISRESPECTING ME?!" Lauren yelled.

Eragon and Simon looked up.

"ARE YOU DISRESPECTING ME? ARE YOU DISRESPECTING MY FAMILY? ARE YOU DISRESPECTING MY MUM AND PIKEY?!" Lauren yelled.

"That's out of order, that" Liese said.

"I was just singing." Eragon said.

"No, you weren't singing, you were screeching. That was pathetic, in all my years of being a judge, I have never heard anything so terrible. I hope you didn't quit your day job." Simon cut in.

"But, But" Eragon began but was cut of again by Simon.

"Let me throw a mathematical dilemma at you - there's 500 left, well how come the odds of you winning are a million to one? You're pathetic! Go and do something you're good at. If you can find anything." Simon said and Eragon ran off the stage crying.

"Eragon, pathetic. Never a truer word spoken." Murtagh said.

"No body loves me!!" Eragon screamed as he jumped from the roof.

Unfortunately for him, it was only a 1-story building.

They all went outside and saw Eragon lying face first on the ground whimpering.

Murtagh was the first one to talk.

"I aint cleaning that up"

A/N: I know it sucked big time. But bear with me, I have serious writers block on my Eragon stories and I've kinda gone of the Eragon books since I found out that the 3rd book wasn't coming out till September and there'll be a 4th one.

And on my updating so slowly, at least I'm updating quicker than Christopher Paolini.

Review!

This will be the last update for a while.

Helena.


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Inheritance Cycle, Humor