Harry Potter 1. Fucked by a Troll

Fucked by a Troll.

"We could lock it in," said Harry.

Ron nervously agreed.

Hoping the troll was well inside, Harry edged toward the door to the open room. Quickly, he yanked it shut and locked it. Thinking they'd saved the day, the two first years took off down the hall.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS TROLL DOING IN HERE!"

"It's the girls' bathroom!" Harry gasped.

_"Hermione!"_ they cried.

Immediately they ran back to the bathroom. Yanking the door back open they forced themselves to go inside.

Hermione lay gape-mouthed on her back at the far end of the bathroom. The foul smelling troll seemed to be in the process of pulling its ragged pants back up.

Hermione Granger had been fucked by a troll.


	2. Fucked by a Basilisk

Fucked by a Basilisk.

The cold, murderous voice was the last thing Harry needed to hear before a Quidditch match. But here it was.

"_Kill this time…rip…tear..." _

Worst of all was that neither Ron or Hermione could hear it.

"Listen hard, guys!" said Harry, exasperated.

"Harry, we don't hear-"

"Oh, my god…I just figured it out!" interrupted Hermione.

Hermione bolted back up the stairs.

"Where are you going?" called Ron.

"To the library." Hermione called back.

Both Harry and Ron exchanged blank looks.

"Come on…you'd better get out to the Quidditch Pitch." Said Ron, attempting to take Harry's mind of the supposed voice.

"Right," said Harry.

But just before exiting the entrance hall Harry heard:

_"Fuck…" _

Pausing momentarily, he pushed it out of his mind as he dashed down to the packed Quidditch arena. The rest of the team was there already. They strode out unto the pitch to the sound of echoing applause. Harry had just swung his leg over his broomstick when Professor McGonagall came sprinting onto the field.

"This match has been cancelled! All students are to return to their dormitories immediately!"

Putting her megaphone aside, she turned toward Harry.

"I think you'd better come with me Potter."

Uneasy, Harry followed her. Ron came dashing up alongside them.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

Harry shrugged. McGonagall didn't seem to care that Ron was now following them. The three made their way to the hospital wing where madam Pomfrey stood wringing her hands by the doorway. They entered, passing a bed with a paralyzed sixth year on it. Harry and Ron recognized her as the Ravenclaw prefect they had ran into the day they took the Polyjuice Potion.

"She's been paralyzed," said Professor McGonagall curtly.

The bed next to her had it's curtains drawn. Professor McGonagall nodded and madam Pomfrey pulled them open. On it, lay something Harry had hoped he'd never see: Hermione. On her back stiff as a statue, mouth agape. Professor McGonagall nodded in Hermione's direction.

"_She's_ been fucked by a Basilisk."


	3. Fucked by a Dementor

Fucked by a Dementor

Slowly, Harry began to regain his senses. The unbelievable cold that clutched at his insides was growing fainter while his eyes began to focus. Ron and Neville were staring down at him looking highly concerned to say the least. Professor Lupin's face was also present for a split second before turning away.

"Are you alright?" asked Ron, his voice trembling.

"What happened?" asked Harry.

Harry was aware of some vague background noise in the compartment with them.

"Well, that dementor came in and…" began Ron.

Harry listened but the vague noises were starting to come into focus:

"Just like that Ginny…that's right…"

"….then Lupin sent something silver at it and it took off." Ron finished looking very concerned at Harry. Neville hadn't spoken the whole time Ron was recounting what had happened but he was almost as pale as Harry was. He helped Ron scoop Harry back into his seat and it was now that Harry could see the source of the commotion:

Ginny was holding Hermione in a sitting position. A vague sense of dread washed over Harry as he took in Hermione's frozen faced, open mouthed appearance. He knew he'd seen it before but his brain was still too foggy to remember anything more than the last few minutes. Harry knew, however, that it was bad. As Ginny held Hermione, Professor Lupin was kneeling in front of her rapidly jamming what looked like a bar of chocolate in and out of the space between her legs. After staring dumbly for a few seconds Harry yelled.  
"What are you doing to her!"

Lupin looked at Harry and spoke breathlessly:

"She's been fucked by a dementor."

Lupin continued to stuff Hermione's vagina with chocolate. Ginny looked on the verge of a break down as she braced Hermione against the plowing.

_End Chapter._

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	4. Fucked by a Blast Ended Skrewt

Fucked by a Blast-Ended Skrewt

_"Why am I doing this?" _thought Harry.

Most of the class had enough sense to flee to the castle but he, Ron and Hermione had stayed behind to help Hagrid round up the last of the Blast-Ended Skrewts. They were much more formidable now that their ends emitted small explosions rather than sparks. The force of these explosions sent the Skrewts flying forward several yards.

"Tha's righ', jus' stay in fron' of em an yer in no danger." Said Hagrid cheerfully as he oversaw the round up.

This only added to Harry's frustration: Staying in front of the Skrewts meant dealing with pincers and stingers. In his peripheral vision Harry saw Ron make a dive for his Skrewt which shot forward. Ron landed in the trail of fire which severely singed his hair. Hermione was having better luck. Apparently she had used the Impedimenta jinx on her Skrewt. Figuring this wasn't such a bad idea, Harry pulled his wand and advanced on his Skrewt which was shuffling around ten yards away while snapping it's pincers.

_"Impedimenta."_ cried Harry and the Skrewt froze instantly.

Harry grasped the now immobile Skrewt by it's pincer and hauled it back toward the cabin. Hagrid had assisted Ron with his Skrewt which was now safely in an enclosure adjacent to the cabin. As Harry drew near, Hagrid stooped to lift the still immobile Skrewt. Taking a moment to catch his breath Harry was jolted by the sound of an explosion to his right: He had almost forgotten Hermione was still tending her Skrewt. Turning to see if she needed assistance Harry received a horrible shock: It was not a Skrewt flying across the ground but Hermione; stiff and on her back with a jet of flames coming from between her spread legs. She didn't stop speeding until she smacked headfirst into a tree and came to rest on the ground gaped mouthed with smoke billowing from her nether regions.

Harry, confused, looked from her to the single Skrewt still on the loose and a sickening comprehension dawned on him.

"Wha' ya just standin' there fer, Harry!" bellowed Hagrid rushing past him to aid Hermione.

"She been fucked by a Blas'-Ended Skrewt!"


	5. Fucked by a Houseelf

Fucked by a House Elf

"Winky is tired of you trying to turn us into bad elves!" shrieked Winky.

Hermione ignored the elf's fury.

"Listen, look at Dobby! He gets paid and still works. He's _happy!_"

""Dobby is only happy because he is a bad elf!" yelled Winky, shooting a nasty look at Dobby who was wringing his hands anxiously.

Dobby was getting increasingly worried about Hermione. This wasn't the first time she came down to the kitchens to try to persuade the elves to demand freedom. Dobby turned his attention to Harry and Ron to see that they were watching the proceedings with looks of exhaustion. They feared that if Hermione kept on like this the elves would become less enthusiastic about them coming down to the kitchens to get food.

"Enough of this!"

Harry, Ron and Dobby turned to see one very angry house elf slam down his stack of dishes. He was staring angrily at Hermione.

"You girl is not knowing when to quit!" he shrieked.

The elves near him seemed to be getting the same idea. Winky broke off her crying to suddenly grab Hermione by the waist and topple her while a swarm of other elves approached. Some grabbed her legs while others held her arms. En masse, they were surprisingly strong. Harry and Ron knew what was about to happen.

"Stop it!" yelled Ron.

Most of the elves hesitated.

"We is sorry sir, but this is the only way she is learning!"

"NO!" yelled Harry.

_This _made them stop.

"You heard Mr. Harry Potter!" shrieked Dobby. "You will not be hurting his friend!"

Both Harry and Dobby helped Hermione up. She looked utterly shocked that the elves were about to do something so horrendous simply because she had tried to free them.

"Dobby, I think we'll go." She heard Ron saying.

Dobby nodded understandingly. Winky and the other elves looked mildly annoyed still. Harry and Ron helped Hermione back up to Gryffindor common room where they deposited her onto a couch. Physically, Hermione was fine; which was more than they could say for the last four times she had got caught up in similar situations. Some of the color was returning to her face.

"Listen, you did the best you could but now you have to let this go. If Harry or Dobby hadn't been around…" Ron trailed off. No one had to say aloud what would've happened.

Hermione nodded silently. Ron and Harry sat with her the rest of the evening keeping the conversation light and being grateful they were able to prevent Hermione from being hurt yet again. The dementor incident a couple years back had come close to unhinging her and neither Ron nor Harry thought she could handle yet another attack. Due to the nature of the last incident, Hermione had been required to douche with melted chocolate throughout the year giving her a continually sweet odor. The effect of the Skrewt's fiery assault the following year had caused this odor to become reminiscent of someone cooking smores. The odor lingered at this very instant.

"It's getting close to dinner…Hermione do you feel like eating anything?" asked Harry.

"Not really," said Hermione as she stood. "I think I'll take advantage of the dormitories being empty and take a nap.

"Alright, we'll see you later," called Harry as he and Ron climbed through the portrait hole.

Harry and Ron took seats at the Gryffindor table and watched the Hall fill up with hungry students. They made small talk until the tables began magically filling with food. Harry immediately reached for some of the shepherd's pie that had appeared in front of him and dug in. The food was spectacular as usual and while he ate he felt the last slivers of shock wear off from the near fiasco. Looking around, Harry saw that Ron wasn't eating. His head was turned to the left, away from Harry, staring at something with great interest. Harry returned to his pie only to be interrupted by Ron grabbing his arm. Harry craned to see what Ron was silently gesturing toward.

Slowly, something was rising through the table. All Harry could tell was that it wasn't food. This thing was rising through the solid wood the way the Hogwarts ghosts could float through solid objects. Both he and Ron stared as what appeared to be the front of someone's body came into view. It was Hermione. Open mouthed and spread legged. No one could comprehend what they were looking at or how it was even possible. As Hermione's head cleared the table something occurred which had never done so before while she was in this state. A blood curdling yet hoarse scream was ripping from her open mouth.

The hall was growing increasingly quiet as the sound filled the room. In the back of his mind Harry thought it sounded like golden egg from the Triwizard tournament last year. Hermione had now risen all the way through the table and lay there on her back motionless as she screamed.

"We have to get her out of here," said Ron, grabbing Harry's arm.

Harry realized that the worst thing would be to leave her where everyone was watching, least of all where Malfoy and the rest of Slytherin House could see. Ron took Hermione's arms while Harry took her legs and dashed out of the great hall as fast as possible. For the second time that day, they dumped Hermione onto one of the red couches in the common room.

"No, no, NO, NO!" Ron was shrieking uncontrollably as he pulled his hair.

_How could this have happened? _Thought Harry while holding his face in his hands.

Dobby was running down the stone corridor that led from the kitchen to the entrance hall. He had to tell Harry Potter that Hermione had returned to the kitchens and that the house-elves' wrath could not be contained. Unfortunately, once Dobby made it into the entrance hall, the swarms of students were blocking his way. He knew he wouldn't make it in time…

Hermione lay quivering on the couch, coming out of the all too familiar catatonic state that followed these incidents. Ron and Harry watched with bated breath, neither one of them sure what would happen next. Hermione looked very shaky, perhaps even on the verge of tears.

"Wha...why did they-" she stuttered.

"Who's they, Hermione?" asked Harry.

"The-"

Hermione broke off, looking at her lower body wide eyed while propping herself up on her elbows. Harry and Ron watched as she started to wiggle and squirm in odd fashion and then her legs began to kick out oddly. Before either of the boys could ask what was wrong Hermione had stood up on the couch and wrenched her skirt up.

"Oh. My. God." said Ron in an awestruck voice.

Raining from Hermione's vagina was every elf hat and sock she'd ever knitted.

She began to jump oddly. The dance continued for well over five minutes; Hermione bouncing from one foot to the other in what would normally have been a very humorous way. Finally the downpour of hats and socks began to slow and a voice from behind Harry and Ron spoke.

"She's been fucked by a house-elf."

Turning, the boys saw Dumbledore looking grave and Dobby at his side with his hands covering his face as if ashamed. A metallic clatter drew their attention back to Hermione: A SPEW badge had fell out of her and she had passed out.

"I can't believe it." said Ron, shakily.

"Me neither." said Harry, but in a considerably less shaky voice.

"Every _one_ of those goddamn hats!" said Ron taking another swig from the bottle of fire-whiskey he and Harry were sharing. Ron's tolerance for alcohol seemed considerably lower than Harry's; his voice was shaking with rage and sadness.

Hermione's frequent encounters with beings who desired to fuck her were starting to wear on her two best friends almost as much as they wore on her. A since of guilt had fallen over both Harry and Ron. They felt as though by causing the first incident with the troll, they had somehow set Hermione up to be fucked every year. Of course, this was illogical. Right?

Harry took a deep gulp from the bottle. No matter how illogical the thought was, they couldn't shake it.

"Well, at least Dumbledore punished the elves. Went down to the kitchens and showed them his penis. That set 'em straight."

"Yeah…"said Ron, taking the bottle back from Harry and drinking deeply. "Yeah…"

**End Chapter.**

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	6. Fucked by a Phoenix

Fucked by a Phoenix

Harry's shadow stretched and flickered across the grass, illuminated by the burning mass of Hagrid's cabin. Snape had just disapparated on the tail of the other Death Eaters who had just stormed Hogwarts. Numbly, Harry led Hagrid to Dumbledore's crumpled body at the base of the Astronomy tower. The time that elapsed from that moment to when Harry joined the Weasleys in the hospital wing to view Bill's mangled face was all a blur. As the group stood around the unconscious Bill's hospital bed, an unearthly song began to drift in through the open windows.

It was Fawkes; letting loose with his phoenix song like never before. There was an awful note of sadness permeating the music though. He, like everyone else aware of Dumbledore's death, was mourning. Harry felt the usual sensation of the music being inside him, rather than simply heard. It was impossible to tell how long everyone stood transfixed by the unearthly sound. The trance was only broken when everyone began to feel as if another sound was also filling them; this one every bit as unearthly but a million times more horrible.

Hermione's now trademark scream was ripping through the night air. Still numb and entranced, Harry's brain fought desperately to push through its own fog. Hadn't Hermione just been standing among the crowd around Bill's bed? Rallying as much focus as he could, Harry rushed over to the open window to try to pinpoint the source of the sound. Had he not have been so numbed by Dumbledore's death and Bill's mauling, what Harry saw would've shook him to his very core. All he could do now was despair silently at the sight before him.

Fawkes, highlighted by his scarlet plumage, was soaring over the grounds. Hanging beneath him, clutched in his talons, was Hermione.

"What is it Harry? What is making that sound?" asked Mrs. Weasley from Bill's bedside.

Harry had no will to mask the awful truth.

"Hermione…shes being fucked by Fawkes."

"Fawkes!" shrieked Mrs. Weasley in alarm.

"Dumbledore's phoenix. Hermione is being fucked by a phoenix."said Harry, defeated.

Every face in the room besides Harry, Ginny and Ron bore slack jaws. The weight of everyone now knowing of Hermione's continuous sordid little problem made Harry wish more than ever that Dumbledore had not died that night. This wouldn't be happening had he not. But no matter how much Harry wished he could undo Dumbledore's death, he knew that the Headmaster would never be able to whip out his penis to punish a sexual assailant again. Dumbledore was dead.

_Author's note:_

Aw, wasn't this chapter sad? Don't worry, I'm cooking up something a bit less depressing than this chapter. In fact the next and final entry is by far my favorite….


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Harry Potter, Humor