Grey's Anatomy LoveYou Oughta Know

Title: Love--You Oughta Know

Author: HalfHuman

Summary: Angsty ADDEK piece based on Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know." Addie's perspective. Post- "Losing My Religion"

Disclaimer: Don't own anything…so sad. Don't own GA, and don't own Alanis Morisette's music

Author's Note: First songfic, be nice! Please R/R. Oh. And warning on the language a bit.

-8-8-

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you  
I wish nothing but, the best for you both

Oddly, it was a slow afternoon in Seattle Grace. There weren't any massive cases to deal with- emergency c-sections, five-person car crashes, bombs--nothing. It was real quiet too. Everyone seemed locked up in their own little world. The doctors were strictly business, and the interns, after the Izzy incident, were left in a daze. Business. That was what it was all about. That was what it was all about, with the exception of a few lucky people, including a certain couple that was responsible for Addison's current state of depression and cynicism.

-8-8-

Addison was pensively shuffling through patient-files, but couldn't help but wonder what went on in Derek's head. He had left her about a week ago after that lame prom held in the hospital. She was completely dumbfounded, utterly at a loss for words. "Addison, it's not working out. I don't love you anymore," his words rang in her ears--sharp and brutal. They haunted her night and day, but she found that she could do nothing but accept the fact that she justcouldn't compete with that...woman. What was worse was her discovery that Derek had actually slept with Meredith the very same night of prom.

An older version of me  
Is she perverted like me?  
Would she go down on you in a theatre?  
Does she speak eloquently  
And would she have your baby?  
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

As Addison vigilantly studied her charts, she gave a slide glance to the certain someone who had stolen her ex's heart. Meredith was down the hall, examining a clipboard and seemingly talking to herself. Addison, no matter how much she told herself it was over between her and Derek, couldn't help to feel ripples of rage within her. 'How could he do this to me? How could he blame me and leave me for cheating, then turn around and do the same thing he accused me of!' she was almost unable to contain herself. She quickly scanned her chart then flipped the page, hoping to find something interesting that would pull her away from the thought of _him and her._

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able  
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no  
And every time you speak her name  
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me  
Until you died, till you died  
But you're still alive

Addison couldn't help herself. Even though she was studying very-interesting readings on her latest patient, she was suddenly distracted by a tall dark figure at the end of the hallway. It was Derek. Trying to remain calm, she took out her pen and started underlining sections of her chart. Her efforts were fleeting. Her mind quickly wandered through countless memories; parties, anniversaries, hard times, good times, their first date, their first kiss...and that night--That very special night.

-8-8-

It was a rainy night, back in med-school when it was that time-of-the-month and Addison was going through hell. Her cramps were killing her and she had a ridiculous amount of work to do. She could barely walk, the pain was unbearable and she had already taken a couple of Tylenols. She was in her room, crouched on the floor beside her desk, trying to inhale and exhale deeply. It was then that Derek walked into the room. They had been dating for eight months at the time. From the corner of her eye Addison saw Derek toss a bouquet of flowers to the ground and run to her. He gently picked her up and placed her on her bed.

That night, he stayed with her in her room gently rubbing her tummy and telling her it was going to be alright. "Addison," he said softly, "I love you." It wasn't the first time he had said it, but Addison was touched. She knew he had plans for the night because she saw the bouquet of flowers he had brought with him and she could smell the fancy cologne on his neck. She smiled then, through the pain and tears, she smiled.

"I love you too," She responded. Derek continued to rub her tummy and before he let her fall asleep, he gently pulled her chin toward him and looked into her eyes. "I won't ever leave you Addison, I will be here always. I will hold you forever."

And Addison ___believed_him.

-8-8-

As she snapped back to the present she gave voice to the harsh reality, "you liar! You___did_ leave me. You stopped caring...you stopped holding me." She was grumbling to herself, staring at Derek as he started flirting with Meredith. Addison couldn't focus. She frowned as the events of that night replayed itself in her mind, Derek's words reverberating through her, "I will hold you forever...forever." She clenched her fist, tightened her jaw, and took a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. Her mind cleared slightly. She looked down at her chart. "Crap," she whispered, "I need his opinion...Great." Addison inhaled deeply and tried to suppress all insecurities, but as she walked toward Derek, she only grew more upset. She hated having to see him everyday, hated having to face the reality that he left her and that she still, somehow, had feelings for him. "That bastard," she muttered under her breath as she approached her ex.

And I'm here to remind you  
Of the mess you left when you went away  
It's not fair to deny me  
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me  
You, you, you oughta know

As Addison stepped up to Derek she noticed Meredith, flushed, with a grin spread across her face. Meredith nodded slightly towards her. Addison, not wanting to bear the label "Bitch," nodded back and turned to Derek.

"I got to go, see you later," Meredith whispered to Derek, who simply lowered his head. Meredith gave another nod toward Addison. Addison gave her traditional raise-the-eyebrow-and-smirk and watched as Meredith walked off. Addison couldn't help but feel like a small pin was pricking her insides. She hated being the one that got dumped, the one that made a total ass of herself by coming to Seattle and signing a contract. There she was, in Seattle, for a good long time, with Derek working by her side. The thought made her furious. She was screaming within, but she simply looked at Derek and smiled meekly.

"Dr. Shepherd," she began, emphasizing his title as doctor, "Sarah Phillips, 28, out for three and half minutes under water, five months pregnant. I need your opinion on any possible brain damage the child may have suffered." Derek looked at Addison suspiciously and then took the file from her hand. He looked it over, flipped through pages, and narrowed his eyes in concentration. Addison couldn't help it; she rolled her yes and turned away from him.

"Dr. Shep- Addison?" Derek asked, obviously noticing her gesture, "What? Are you ok?" Derek sounded slightly concerned.

"Yeah. Just dandy. What's the prognosis?" Addison said turning to him. Derek lowered the papers and tried to look into Addison's eyes.

"Addison, how are you holding up?" Addison wanted to scream. 'How does he have the nerve to ask me that?' she thought furiously.

"I don't know Derek, what do you think? My husband leaves me for some young girl, I'm forced to work in a city I loathe because I can't afford further damage on my reputation record, and I have to see my ex every day…hmm, what do you think?" Addison looked into Derek's eyes and hoped that he understood the rage that dwelled within her.

"Addie, I just had to move on…again, I'm sorry. For everything." Addison simply shook her head.

"More then a decade Derek, a damn decade," she muttered, almost to herself.

"And I'll cherish what good times we had. I-"

"What good times we had Derek? You are so full of it! You never were_around_ for possible good times! Our anniversary, our housewarming party…my birthday." Addison looked away, hating herself for the moisture developing in her eyes.

"That is not true, I was there for good times. I-"

"Sex doesn't count as good times, at least not all the time Derek." Addison pushed a couple of stray hairs out of her face, and noticed that Derek looked shocked. 'He counted sex as good times…unbelievable!' Addison thought. "Ha, funny Derek, so you'll remember the times we had sex…great. Just great!" Addison spat.

You seem very well, things look peaceful  
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know  
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity  
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner  
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced  
and now? Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

-8-8-

Derek shook his head furiously. He was pissed.

"Addison, you are special, you really are. Honestly, why_would_ I remember our sex life? It was a nightmare!" Addison couldn't believe what she heard. Those words stung and struck something well ingrained within her.

"And that's why I slept with Mark, Derek," she responded, instantly regretting letting that lie slip out of her mouth.

"Well, it's all settled then." Derek's face reddened. "I left for a reason. Here I am trying to comfort you…. You know, Meredith is great. She is nothing like you." Addison felt like she was being slowly torn apart. Of course she didn't let that show, and her anger quickly overcame her pain.

"Yeah, so great that you couldn't control yourself during prom, eh?" Addison watched Derek's facial expression; he was surprised and caught off guard. "Think I didn't know, did you?"

"Addison-"

"No," Addison interrupted. "And you know what? You can have your little Meredith, I'm with Mark," Addison couldn't help herself. She wanted to come back with something, anything, and even though she was lying, she knew Mark would take her back without explanations. Addison watched Derek as he took in the information. "Yeah. I'm with Mark, he at least acknowledges that I'm …here," Addison found it hard to continue, but once again her anger and pride overrode her insecurities and inner-wounds. She suddenly snatched the papers from Derek's hands. "And our sex is great," she added before marching away.

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me  
And I'm not gonna fade  
As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it  
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back  
I hope you feel it...ahh can you feel it

-8-8-

Addison didn't understand what she had just done. She locked herself in her office, sat at her desk and lowered her head. 'I asked for it,' she thought, dejected. She hated were she was, in every possible sense. She hated that she was physically in Seattle, away from home, and physically alone, isolated. She hated that she had actually confronted Derek and most likely lowered herself even more for him. She hated that she was abandoned. She hated that she was cheated on and betrayed. She hated what she had become: a desperate cynical ex-wife. She hated so many and so much, but she never once found herself hating Derek. She shuddered at the thought. With all the bullshit she went through, she never ever thought, 'I hate this man.' The words or idea were never voiced or grouped together in her head, and Addison knew why. The undeniable truth, the ugly, painfully hard to admit truth: she still loved Derek; she always did, and never stopped.

She thought over the word. "Love," she mouthed it silently, "love…lo-"

Addison's pager suddenly went off. She snapped out of her reverie and wiped away a tear that had mysteriously meandered its way down her face. She quickly got up from her comfy chair, partly annoyed and partly relieved that duty called. As she walked over to the exit, she noticed a framed photo of Derek; his arms were wrapped around her in the photo.

"You lied," she muttered, struggling to contain tears and feeling her anger spike once more, "you stopped holding me." She quickly took the frame and lifted it.

About to smash it to the ground, she stopped, she couldn't. Instead, she placed it face down on her desk. Sh_e __just_ couldn't do smash it. She still loved Derek.

With a strange feeling of resignation and self-loathe, Addison walked to the door, shook her head, and laughed sardonically, "love…fucking love."

-8-8-

FIN

-8-8-

Please R/R! I've never written a song fic b4, reviews would be much appreciated. I just joined TI, so my fellow TI members plz review. I don't know if I could post this on TI b/c of the language….hmm. oh, and I'm working on my other fic, I'm half way through the fifth chp…hold on a bit longer. Kk, again PLEASE REVIEW! First song fic here…

-8-8-

The Vajajay Queen Rules! ADDIE ALL THE WAY!WOOT WOOT!

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End file.

Grey's Anatomy, Angst