1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: nothing is mine. I wrote this for a friend of mine, I hope it's not too terrible. I wrote it on my iPad, so I don't think there's any spelling errors. But there are probably some grammatical ones. Sorry. The dashes between things are time skips, and are in the same location unless otherwise noted. The first part of each is Jim in sick bay remembering all the other things. Enjoy.

* * *

He didn't mean for it to come to this, he thinks while he lays in sickbay. Bones is so pissed he won't even look at him. But that's okay with Jim, he's to busy trying to remember how he got here.

But it's always best to start a story at the beginning, isn't it?

-  
Riverside, Iowa 2245

His mother dragged him to the dinner. He didn't want to got and sit with all the officers and politicians. He never knew that he would meet THEM there. They sat across from him and his mother, Arnold and Samantha Kudos. Some how, Kudos got him into a conversation. They were like the parents he always wanted, and he was the son they never had. Kodos was exactly how he imagined his father had been, smart, funny, and kind. Samantha was supportive, elegant, and brave. He and Kodos got on like a house on fire, they commed each other at least once a week until Arnold had to start packing up his things to go to Tarsus IV. A week before they were scheduled to leave, Arnold and Samantha showed up at the house. They all sat down at the kitchen table, and that was that. Jim was going to Tarsus.

"Be safe, Jim. Don't do anything I wouldn't." Sam says. It would be the last time he would hear from his brother in almost two years. Winona was already off planet before he left.

Tarsus IV, Early 2246

He didn't even know about the crops until it was pretty bad. Kodos didn't tell him, but he knew something was wrong when he wasn't allowed outside any more. All the windows were covered with the metal sheets that were controlled by a computer in case of an attack. He knew they weren't under attack, so why where the windows covered? He had to know, so he hacked the computers, and lifted the one over the window in his room.

He would never be the same in his entire life.

There was no way to describe the scene outside of his window. There were guards in the town square, guarding the store. He saw all the colonists, even some of his friends, standing in the courtyard. He saw a man and a child fighting over a loaf of bread. One man stabbed another, and reached inside. He stopped watching. He felt sick. What was going on?

It hit him about a hour later that the crops must have been failing. And then he looked out again, and realized that is was much worse. They had failed, past tense, and now the plants were all brown and withered. Then something else hit him. If this was bad enough that people were fighting over food, how did they have so much?

As he came into the dinning room for dinner, he felt sick once again. Samantha had made fried humaru (the planet's equivalent of chicken) and some kind of beans and corn. How could he eat so much when others had so little?

"I don't feel well." He said before he even sat down. Kodos gently lead him into the living room, and explained what was happening. He was right, and he wished he wasen't. He was then lead back into the dinning room, and both Samantha and Arnold looked at him reassuringly.

"Eat up." Kodos more or less ordered. "Don't want it to get cold, do you?"

Jim eats just enough, and slides the rest into the pockets of his oversized sweatshirt. He doesn't need it all, he thinks. Later he goes into his room, wraps up the rest of his meal and quietly slides out the window. He runs to the people in the courtyard, and hands it to a boy he knew from school, Tom. He takes him and five others into the forest.

One night he finds people sliding out of a room and running to the hills, but before they got there, a team of soldiers caught them. The soldiers shot them. Why, he thinks as he watches them die for no reason at all.

That was the first night that Jim had to throw up. He tries not to: the food shortage is getting really bad now, and he just…he can't eat the excessive amount of food on the table every night. Not without feeling like he's killing people that way.

He takes food to Tom and his group again that night, and then returns.

He wanders into the bathroom, thinking that it would probably be stupid not to take a shower. He strips quickly, and turns the water on hot. He starts to wash his hair, but it just comes out in huge clumps. For a moment, he doesn't realize why, and steps out of the shower. He shaves all his hair off, and takes a good look at himself. He can count his ribs even though he standing about five feet from the mirror. He's going to have to add another layer to hide it.

-  
Mid 2246

Apparently Kodos thought Jim needed to see his speech to the colonists. So, he lets himself be dragged along, and sits beside Kudos while he speaks.

"Survival depends on drastic measures. Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society. Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony. Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death. Your execution is so ordered, signed Kodos, Governor of Tarsus IV."

The people scream, and try to run out the building, even climbing on top of one another to try and get out. He just sits and cries silently as the colonists are all shot, one by one. He realizes then that Kodos is one crazy-ass mother fucker, and tries very very hard not to stab him with the pocket knife he got for his birthday.

He wonders one day why he wasen't killed. He should've been one of the fist to go. He's a juvenile delinquent, allergic to pretty much everything, and well above the IQ threshold that Kodos set. He should've been there, on the floor with the colonists.

That night he goes to Tom and brings the small group most of his dinner. He can't bring himself to eat anything more than a few bites that night. He wishes he could see Sam and mom again, sit with them in the living room and watch movies from a long, long time ago. The ones from before WWIII that were so good, before political correctness made it impossible to make decent movies.

Of course, that assumes he's getting off this fucking planet, and—

He's not. He's going to collapse someday and just not be able to get back up, or he'll get shot. He's fine with it. There's really no use living if it has to be like this. He can't take it anymore.

-  
I.S.S. Falcon, Very late 2246

There was snow on the ground when starfleet finally got there. He went and got Tom and his people, and took them to the ship. They only counted 914 survivors. He didn't know we're Kodos or Samantha went, but an officer told him that they were both burned to death. They were all safe, he thought.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Same as the last one. Sorry if it's bad. Enjoy.

* * *

When he finally desires to open his eyes, he turns to see Spock sitting next to him. The look in his eyes says it all. And then, of course, Spock calls bones over.

Starfleet medical center, California December 2247

"I'm hungry." He says to Sam after a few minutes of them hugging each other. He is, he realizes, but he doesn't really want anything to eat. Sam just looks at him like it's the stupidest thing Jim's ever said, and hands him a candy bar from his pocket. The medic say he doesn't have to stay, apparently he got good enough nutrition, and just needs to gain a good bit of weight, and see a therapist. He nibbles on the candy, and gets into sam's car. He sleeps the hole way home.

-  
Riverside, Iowa April 2248

Sam some how managed to get Jim to gain about forty pounds, and now he looks less like a corpse and more like Jim. Jim's not too happy about it, not because of the weight, but because of the food involved in gaining it. He's gotten a good bit taller, too, he realized. But he really didn't care one way or the other about that.

After a while Sam makes him go to a therapist. He doesn't say a word to her. Not one.

Jim starts running then. He didn't before he left, but a lot of things have changed between then and now, he thinks. Sam and Frank don't get it, but that's okay.

August 2248

Frank makes him go back to school, and he's finally managed to go back to being annoyingly rebellious. Sam left to go to college last month. Within the first three weeks of school, he calls all of his teachers idiots, and then proves it. He tests out of every math and science class the school offers, proves that he's fluent in at least three languages, and almost has all the credits he needs to graduate. He joins the track team.

Nobody knows what to make of him anymore, but he's fine with that. Other people's opinions don't matter to him anymore.

Frank gets worried about a month later, after one of his teachers (one of the few that don't hate Jim) calls to say that he never eats lunch. Jim just brushed him off. He just wants to be left alone.

Jim leaves for a week after that, and comes home to find Winona and Frank both there. Winona yells at him a little for scarring the shit out of them, and then she sits with him and Frank at the table for a little while.

"What happened, were did you go?" Frank finally asks.

"I just had to be alone for a while, that's all." He said without looking up from the table.

Winona just looks at him with an odd distance, like she can't believe that this is her son. After a few minutes, she gives up and makes him some oatmeal. He doesn't eat it.

-  
May 2249

Jim decides he's had about enough of high school, and tests out of the two classes he needs to graduate. Winona begs him to stay, but he won't or can't, he thinks. He moves into an apartment, and goes to college online.

Eventually he realizes he needs a roommate, and finds a guy named Gary. After four months he has a degree in computer engendering, and then he's working on his masters. Gary always makes food for them, but Jim only picks at his. He and Gary become fast friends, and then even a bit more, until he can't deal with Kirk anymore.

-  
July 2254

At twenty, he gets his doctorate while working on a computer for a starfleet ship. It's called the Enterprise, apparently. He starts frequenting a crapy little bar right outside town, until Captain Pike shows up.

He got beat up and he struck out but now this guy wants to talk and Jim's really not in the mood for this shit.

"I couldn't believe it when the bartender told me who you were."

"Yeah, and who am I, Captain Pike?" His nose is like, crusting up with blood, but the best he can do right now is shove napkins up it.

"Your father's son."

"Can I get another one?" Jim lifts his glass, because he isn't even close to drunk enough to deal with this.

"For my dissertation I was assigned to the USS Kelvin," Pike says, like he's done something absolutely mind blowing. "Something I admired about your dad: he didn't believe in no-win scenarios."

"Sure learned his lesson."

"Well, that depends on how you define winning, you're here, aren't you?"

"Thanks," He says, not really thinking about it.

"You know that instinct, to leap without looking, that was his instinct too, and in my opinion something Starfleet's lost." At this point, he's pretty shure pike is trying to recruit him, and he's way to drunk for that.

"Why are you talking to me, man?"

"Cause I looked up your file while you were drooling on the floor. Your aptitude tests are off the charts, so what is it? You like being the only genius-level repeat offender in the Midwest?"

"Maybe I love it."

"Look, so your dad dies, you can settle for a less-than-ordinary life. Or do you feel like you were meant for something better? Something special?"

He just stares at Pike.

"Enlist in Starfleet."

"Enlist—" Jim's laughing before he can stop it, not that he tries all that hard. "You must be way down on your recruiting quota for the month."

"If you're half the man your father was, Jim, Starfleet could use you. You could be an officer in four years; you can have your own ship in eight. You understand what the Federation is, don't you? It's important. It's a peace-keeping and humanitarian armada—"

"We done?" Jim asks, because Pike sure likes to hear himself talk.

"I'm done." He actually pays for Jim's drink. That's kind of adorable, in a really messed up kind of way. "Riverside Shipyard. Shuttle for new recruits leaves tomorrow, 0800."

Jim waves him off with drink in hand, and Pike stands there looking at him for a minute.

"Your father was captain of a starship for 12 minutes. He saved 800 lives including your mother's. And yours. I dare you to do better."

Jim looks at him, holds his gaze, and then laughs. Laughs and laughs until he can't breathe for laughing. And then he gets on his bike and rides over to the shipyard. He has nothing better to do, he guesses.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Still not mine. I'm still hopping this isn't awful, and I'm very sorry if it is.

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Bones comes over with a sort of furry in his eyes, like he wants to stab Jim with every hypo there ever was. Twice. He just looks down at him, and then asks Spock to leave. He's in for it now. But McCoy just pets his hair nice and gentle for a minute. Jim can't tell, but he think Bones might be crying.

-  
Starfleet academy, California August 2254

Jim and Bones are instant friends. They decide to share a dorm, and Bones regrets it the week after they sign up together. Jim is messy, he never buys groceries, and he brings over random partners almost ever night.

Jim comes off as cocky and brash and so sure of himself to everyone, but Bones has been his friend for a while now, long enough to know that Jim's not always what he seems.

It's the little things he starts noticing, and they start piling up.

They spend half an hour in the mess hall, and Bones starts counting all the bits of food Jim doesn't take. He's all bright smiles and anecdotes and distractions, but Bones is an awful lot like a pit bull when he wants to be, and once he bites down he doesn't let go. Jim slides the food over his plate and then dumps it, full but mutilated beyond recognition, down the garbage chute.

"Guess I'm just not that hungry," He says, when McCoy calls him on it.

-  
November 2254

One day, Bones kisses Jim. Neither of them really know why, but that's okay for now. Jim is just scared he'll leave. Bones closes his eyes and lets the two of them linger together, and he comes to the surprising revelation that he's a little bit in love with Jim. They sit on the couch a while, just enjoying the company of one another.

-  
February 2255

Jim just took the Kobiashi Maru for the first time, and he fails. Of course he fails, he thinks, why would he be able to save a ship from hundreds of Kilngon war-birds? He goes back to the dorm and lays on the couch and cries until Bones comes home.

Bones just looks at him for a moment and then caries him into their room. "What's wrong, darlin?" He asks while carefully stroking Jim's hair. He just sits there and starts to sob again, mad at himself for not being able to save people who don't even exist.

-  
March 2255

Bones slips his hand under the hem of Jim's shirt, resting his hand on his lovers back. They kiss once again, and Jim starts to pull Bones's pants off.

"A little eager, darlin?" McCoy asks, and all he gets is a muffled grunt in return.

Bones starts undressing, reveling his tan, muscled skin that Jim just wants to lick all over. He moves to pull Jim's clothes off then, he starts with his socks, and moves up slowly to his pants and shirt. He pauses when he's done, to take in the beautiful sight that is Jim Kirk. He never really realized how skinny the kid was until now. It's kind of wired, seeing that his ribs stand out just a bit, and his stomach is just a tiny bit concave instead of flat.

"Like what you see?" Jim asks teasingly. Bones looks at him for a moment, and kisses him again, only pulling away when he needs to breathe.

"You're beautiful." He croaks out eventually. He grabs the lube, and gets down to business. "I love you," Bones says, as he's thrusting slow and hard into Jim.

Jim's eyes slide open and he looks at Bones, lines of sweat running down his neck and outlining his prominent collar bone.

-  
July 2255

Jim takes the Kobiashi Maru a third, and final time. And he cheats. He gets called in front of an academic council, and put on probation right before the biggest event of his life. But of course, Bones takes him along. How could he leave him standing there looking alone and pathetic?

"Your damed lucky I love you, kid." He says before stabbing him with the hypo.

And he was. Everyone was. Because if McCoy hadn't loved him enough to take him along, planet Earth would've been destroyed, and, most likely, the rest of the federation.

-  
Starship Enterprise, Earth Space dock December 2255

He thought his life was complete the moment he sat in down in his chair. His chair, the captains chair.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Still not mine. Sorry if it sucks. Enjoy.

* * *

He doesn't get it. Why isn't Bones yelling at him? He lays there awhile, letting Bones pet him, thinking about everything. "I love you" Bones says finally. But Jim's already fallen asleep.

-  
June 2256

They have their first failed mission on what would be June 22nd(if they were on earth, that is). The Tragodians are all dead. Every last one of them. Jim watched them burn and die during the attack, and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't save them. He couldn't save a single one.

He's beamed back on the Enterprise bloody and beaten and tired. Bones touches his face gently with one hand when he's done with Jim's examination, but he's caught in the mess and sickbay is full. McCoy tells him to go get some food and take a nap after he's done patching him up.

Jim tries to have dinner alone, and he finds that he can't. He brings a forkful of food to his mouth, and drops it. And then repeats the process. He started crying as soon as he got to his room, and now it was like his eyes had suddenly become Niagara Falls. He pushed back from the table and lays down in bed. They all died, he thought to himself. He laid there and waited for Bones to come back, but he didn't.

He woke up alone in his ruffled uniform that he had been to lazy to take off. He looked around. There were two things wrong with his room, he realized. One, the salad from last nite was still sitting there innocuously. And two, Bones wasn't here. As he went to throw the sad little salad that was supposed to be dinner down the garbage chute, and Bones finally comes in.

"What's that sweetheart?" He said in one of the most manly tones anyone has ever said the word sweetheart in.

"Salad. " Jim said with a sigh.

"Why are you having salad for breakfast, darlin?"

"I'm not." He said as threw it in the chute.

"So, then, how about pancakes?" He says with a smile, as he wraps his arms around Jim's waist. "Or bacon and omelets with some orange juice?" He said as he nestled his face into Jim's neck. "Or maybe even some biscuits and gravy with sausage?"

"I'm not really hungry, but I can make you something if you want." Jim said. He knew it was a lie, but he just couldn't deal with food right now. He was too tired for that. Bones moved around so that he was in front of Jim, holding his hands.

"You can't go to work without eatin' somthin'." He said. Jim just frowned. "Come on, please?" Jim just shakes his head. "You can't afford to skip any meals, darlin, your already underweight. I don't want you to pass out on the bridge or somthin' just because you won't let me make you some food. I'll make whatever you want." Jim just kissed his CMO and went to get dressed. "I'll take that as a no, then?" He called out.

"I'll eat an apple on the bridge. Promise." He says when comes out.

"You need more than that, you can't just substitute an entire meal with an apple." He said in his 'I'm a doctor god dammit, listen to me' voice. "You need to be eating breakfast."

"I'm going to be late if I don't leave now, I'll just make up for it at lunch alright?"

"Fine, but I'm eating lunch with you." He kissed his captain goodbye, and lays down for a nap.

-1230-

The bridge was annoyingly peaceful today. Of course other than McCoy coming in and demanding that the captain have lunch with him. Spock was thoroughly confused by the request, why couldn't the doctor wait until Jim's regularly scheduled lunchtime? Bones just said something along the lines of shut up you green blooded hobgoblin, and stole the captain.

"Dammit Bones, your hurting me." Jim said as he was pulled by the arm to McCoy's room.

"We'll if you would've just came in the first place, I wouldn't have to drag you now would I?"

"My lunch isn't for another three hours, how the hell was I supposed to know you wanted me to come now?"

"Three hours? Why in the hell do you take lunch at fifteen hundred? You'd have to be starved by then, you wake up at like oh five hundred!" Bones just stared. "Honey you've got to eat more, really. I'm not just winin' about it like I do with the random injuries and freak accidents, you really do need to gain weight."

"What's with the new fixation on my weight, hmm?" He finally asked.

"I just need you to stay healthy, that's all. Your scan last night said you've lost ten pounds sense your last physical, ten pounds that you really couldn't afford to lose. I love you darlin, but you have to take care of yourself." He said softly. Jim just stood there.

"Fine." He said, and that was that. They finally went in, and Leonard turned and kissed the captain.

"It won't be bad, I swear. I mean, come on, your on medical order to eat whatever the fuck you want, sweetheart. Scotty and his high cholesterol would kill for that right now."

"Fine, yeah, okay." He said as Bones walked over to the replicator, and ordered himself some waffles and tea.

"What do you want darlin?" He said as he turned around.

"Can I get a salad with chicken? I've wanted one all day." He said. "And some diet coke?"

"You want a salad and a coke, really?"

"No, I said I wanted a chicken salad and a diet coke."

"You do realize you need to gain weight, right? You can have whatever you want. Anything, really and seriously anything, and you want a salad?"

"Yeah. I happen to like them."

"Only you would actually like salad, Jim. Can't you get something more fatty, please?"

"What do you want me to get? I don't eat much, Bones. I never have."

"Ok, fine. How about macaroni? You can eat that, right?"

"Fine, I don't even care anymore." They sat and ate in science until Bones was called down to sick bay due to an unfortunate engendering accident that apparently had something to do with Scotty and a duck.

" You need to eat all that, okay? I love you, and I'll see you tonight."

"Love you too." He said with his mouth full.

-1400-

He goes back to the bridge, and sits down. Chekov and Sulu are talking about the Tragodians, and he can't stop thinking about it. He couldn't save anyone. Not one of their race survived. It was... Genocide. He felt sick, and turns and runs into the lavatory, vomiting up the small amount of food he did mange to eat. He felt so terrible, he couldn't help any of them, and that's what he was supposed to do. He couldn't even do his job right, he thought.

The opposite door slides open and there are quick, measured footsteps to his side.

"Captain?" He hears Spock ask. "Are you alright?"

He slumps back, exhausted with his heaving, and then Spock rests a hand against his forehead. Spock takes his temperature, and looks at him for a moment.

"Are you ill, captain?" He all but whispers. "Do you need assisted to sick bay?"

Kirk thinks for a moment, but his train of thought is interrupted by more vomiting.

"Do you require assistance standing?"

"Yeah, just help me to sick bay, please. I need to talk to Bones."

-1448-

Spock gladly helped the captain to sick bay, and returned to the bridge. Jim stumbled in, almost tripping on his own boots before Bones caught him.

"Jesus shit Jim, what happened? Did you walk down here by yourself?"

"Sick. Spock brought me."

"What kind of sick?" He asked, and after a moment he got his answer, in the form of vomit all over the floor. "Aww fuck. God dammit come here." He said putting Jim on a bio bed.

"Yeah."

"Damn it all to hell. I finally got you to listen and then you get sick. I'm awful sorry sweetie."

"It's" is all he manages to get out before reaching again."it's fine. Not your fault."

-1817-

He finally stopped reaching. He felt awful. All he wanted was to take a nap. But McCoy wouldn't let him leave yet, because he wanted to take him back to his room himself. So he sat there for a while, and nurse chapel brought him some water. He hated waiting. Finally Bones was done, and he decided it was necessary to cary the captain back to his room.

"Dammit Bones, put me down!"

"No. You haven't eaten anything substantial at all today, and your sick. Just shut up and let me Cary you." When they got back to the room, they laid down together, and both were asleep immediately.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I'm am still the owner of nothing, and it's extremely unlikely that that will ever change.

**To Miss Enthusiasimal :** Thanks for the review! I'm glad it's gotten better!

Enjoy.

* * *

Bones sat next to his sleeping lover, quietly weeping and holding his boney hand. Jim almost died, he thinks to himself. How did he let it get like this? He's a doctor god dammit, how didn't he see the signs? How in the ever-loving fuck did he let this happen?

-24th of June-

Jim was up at the crack of dawn, just like he liked to be. He went down to the gym for his morning run, and he was the only one there other than Spock, just like always. He ran his usual five miles, and headed back to the room. He didn't know if McCoy was up yet, but he hoped he wasn't, only because if he was up Jim would have to wait take a shower.

"Hey baby." He heard as the doors opened. "You already went to the gym, huh?"

"Yeah, I was gonna ask if you wanted to go, but you were sleeping."

"Yeah, because some of us actually like sleeping, you know." He said as Jim kissed him. "What do want for breakfast?"

"I dono, love. I'm not hungry, so whatever you want I guess."

"Anything? Alright then, but you have to eat it all."

With a sigh he went off to go have a shower.

-0624-

Jim got out of the shower, and smelled something. He didn't know what it was, but he knew it meant Bones was actually cooking, which meant it was probably going to be good. He felt like doing some yoga today, he thought as he brushed his teeth. He put on his pants and under shirt, and headed out.

"Hey there darlin, foods ready. Where's your other shirt?"

"It's in the bedroom. I wanna do some yoga. Wana join babe?"

"Yoga? No thanks." He said smirking. "But still, foods ready."

"Not hungry yet. Can I do my yoga first?"

"Fine, yeah, okay. But only because breakfast with a show might be fun. You're still eating all of this when you're done."

"Yeah, okay. Just try not to droll in my food, okay?" Bones started laughing.

Jim started his weird yoga stuff, and even Bones had to admit it was beautiful. Jim had somehow managed to balance himself on his forearms, arch his back, and dangle his feet above his head. It was absolutely amazing when Jim did it.

"Why are you staring at me babe?" Jim asked, he wasn't self continuos, nope. Not at all.

"Your so pretty darlin, you know that?" He said with a smile. "So very, very beautiful."

"Err-" he said before he was cut off by Bones's comm. Another engineering accident. Apparently no one learned not to piss off the duck.

"I gotta go sweetheart. Don't forget about the eggs I made, okay? I love you."

"Love you too, Bones." He said while changing poses.

-0722-

He was finally done with his yoga, and he got up to go get dressed. He looked over at the table, and there were the omelets. He sat down. He looked down at his plate of eggs, gooey and yellow and congealed, and something squirmed inside his stomach. He got back up again. He couldn't do it. He putt it down the chute, and left. And that was that.

-1500-

He should have some lunch. He knows he should. But he can't. Their faces keep running through his head. Not just the Tragodians, but the people he couldn't save on Tarsus. The word just keeps running around in his head. Genocide.

He goes down to the mess, and thinks about getting something. But he can't bring himself to do it. Why should he if they couldn't? He thought. He just got a glass of water and sat down.

"Keptian?"

"Yes Chekov?" He said slowly.

"Kan I sits with you?"

"Yeah, pull up a chair ensign."

"I vas hoping you voulden't mind, but I have a problem that I needed Andover opinion on?" He said handing Kirk a pice of paper.

"It's fine Chekov. But you can't tell anyone that I do math for fun. The ridicule would never end." He said with a small smile.

-1900-

His shift was finally done, and for once he couldn't be happier. It was weird, normally he couldn't stand time away from the bridge, but today it was comforting. He went down to the gym again, he figured maybe he would run a bit before he went back to his room. Ten miles later, he realized everyone had left. Were did everybody go? He checked his watch, 2006. Wow, he was getting really good time today, he thought. He was running about five minute miles, witch was about a minute faster than normal. He figured it was time he got to bed, or at least went to his room.

"Jim? Darlin is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me. I didn't wake you up did I?"

"No. I was just layin here. Waitin for you."

"Ohh. Thanks."

"Did you go to the gym again?"

"Yeah. I'm all sweaty and tired. I really need a shower." He said pulling Bones's covers up so he wouldn't get cold. "I'll be in after a little bit, okay?"

"Hey, wait. Did you have dinner yet?" He asked sleepily.

"Yeah, I came back right after my shift and had some." He felt bad for lying to Bones, but he couldn't eat today, he couldn't stop thinking of all the people that died that he was supposed to save. "It was good."

"What did you have?"

"That salad I wanted yesterday, and some weird Vulcan fruit pie. It was awesome."

"Okay. Now go take a shower stinky."


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer : nothing is mine. **

**To Miss Enthusiasimal :** Thanks! I'm glad the writing is still okay, and I'm really hoping it gets better as I continue writing. I'm sorry about the spelling, I'm trying to fix it but autocorrect is a real bitch sometimes. :) I think it's been about four days sense he's eaten anything, because he was probably to busy to eat during the attack of the Tragodians's planet, and he hasn't really been able to sense then. Thanks for the review!

Thanks to everyone who favorited and followed! Enjoy.

* * *

He stayed for a long time. He hadn't even moved, how could he leave? What if Jim woke up and he wasn't there? He sat holding his lovers hand until, finally he too had fallen asleep.

-July 25th-

It started as soon as he tried to get out of bed. Luckily, he was still laying down so the sound was muted, but an unmistakable growl shot through his body like an electrical shock. It was another early morning for Jim. As soon he tried to sit up his vision blurred dangerously, and he felt as if his head was going to explode. He blinked, trying to push away the feeling, but he couldn't shake it. He loved being up in the early morning when no one else was around.

He heard the bathroom door open slowly, and remembered that this morning he wasn't alone.

Bones had to leave again late last night because somehow no one in engendering can protect themselves from a duck. (that in MaCoy's opinion, they should've just thrown out the god damned air lock. Space is not a place for ducks.)

"Mornin."

"Good morning. I'm going down to the gym, wana come?" Jim asked. He always asked, and Bones always said no. Only Jim Kirk could possibly want to work out at five in the god dammed morning.

"You always ask, and I always say no. What makes you think I wana go this time?" He asks, realizing he sounds really bitchy. Fuck it, he thinks. It's to early.

"Because you wana see my sexy ass in these shorts honey, and you know it." He said changing into a pair of running shorts and a T-shirt. And damn did he look good.

"Fine. But next time I want to do something at a stupidly early hour, your doing it."

"Oh shut up, you know your only going because you like my new shorts."

"Did you ever think maybe I just wanted to spent time with you? Maybe I wana see how you can possibly be motivated to work out at this ungodly hour. "

"Nah. If you wanted to do that stuff, you would do yoga with me." He said grabbing his gym bag.

"Your impossible, you know that?" He said as they walked to the gym. They both smiled.

-0548-

Damn, that kid could run. He was like the fuckin energizer bunny or something. Bones had to stop half way through, he couldn't even breathe, and yet there was Jim running the track like he owned the damned thing. Did he run like this every morning, or was he just showing off for Bones?

Finally Spock came over, and sat down next to him.

"Hello Leonard. I wasn't aware you were in the habit of coming here in the mornings."

"I'm not. But Jim wanted some one to run with, and I was already awake. Is he always like this?"

"Hmm. Seems unfortunate for your sleep cycle. Is he always like what, exactly?"

"I mean, dose he run like this every morning?"

"Yes. He's gotten a bit faster over the last few weeks, he's subtracted almost two hole minutes off his best times."

"Really? That much in just a few weeks?"

"Yes. I believe he is attempting to beat my best time of ten miles in forty nine minuets fifty six seconds."

"What's his best so far?"

"Ten miles in fifty two minutes and thirty three seconds, which is currently the second fastest time on the ship."

"Holy shit. When was that?"

"Last night, actually. He normally runs five miles in the morning and about ten, sometimes more, twice a week in the evenings. He is very dedicated to the sport."

"I'll say. It's like he's never going to stop."

They just sat and watched for a while after that, and finally, he stopped.

"Hey guys." He said walking over to them.

"Hello, captain."

"Hey there, speedy Gonzalez." Bones jokingly sneered. "Wana go get a bite to eat?" He said as Spock wandered back to whatever it was he was doing.

"I wana take a shower." He said tiredly. "But then I want some mangos."

"Mangos, really Jim?"

"Mangos are awesome. Don't be mad just because you hate them." Bones made a face. The face that more or less said 'Jim Kirk you're being a stupid dumb dumbass'.

"I don't hate them, I actually like mangos. It's just that you really need to eat more than some mangos. You just ran, what, five miles? You need way more calories than even a hole bowl full of mangos could give you."

"I ran seven, actually. I'm really tired, I really wish I could take a nap."

"Then you need a real breakfast! You can't work out like that and not change what you eat. You need more sleep, too dammit! You can't stay awake all day after six hours of sleep!"

"Seriously, mangos. I want them."

"You're impossible."

"I know."

-0639-

Bones and Jim went back to the room, and Jim got his shower. Bones was trying to find something nutritious, but high in fat, that had mangos or was mango flavored. And of course, because Jim wanted it, there was nothing even close to what Jim needed to be eating that was even vaguely mango related. He thought of running down to Scotty and asking him to program new food into the replicators. But then he realized that would require him to go down there and possibly run into that damned annoying duck. So fuck it, he was going to cook again.

Jim got out of the shower quickly, and brushed his hair. He stepped back and looked at himself for a minute. He can see the weight loss Bones is so worried about, but it doesn't bother him. He runs his hands over his protruding rib cadge, down to his jutting hip bones. He looks down at his ever-so-slightly concave stomach, and reaches his hands around to see if he could feel the vertebrae of his spine. He can. I doesn't bother him, he's been worse. After about ten minutes of 'admiring' himself, he got dressed.

"Jim, get out here the foods done." Bones yells from their kitchen.

"Ohh, what is it?" Jim says while snaking his arms around Bones's waist.

"Peach pie, darlin. I made it crispy on top, figured you'd like it better that way." Jim frowned.

"I'm allergic to peaches." He says quietly. "But it was really nice of you to make it love."

"How in the hell didn't I known that?" He whispered. He turned an kissed his lover.

"It's not on my allergy list. There's not really peaches in a lot of stuff anymore."

"What should we eat now?" He whispered into the captains ear.

"We could go down to the mess." He said moving to face Bones. "Or we could stay right here." He said reaching to pull the good doctor's pants down. And hell, who gives up a blow job from Jim Kirk?

-0730-

"Captain… Captain…" Oh, Spock was trying to get his attention.

"Yes Mr. Spock?" Kirk all but whispered from the doorway.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Mr. Spock, just a bit dizzy, don't worry about me." After this Jim took a daring move and stopped leaning on the doorway suddenly to show he was ok and check the navigation coordinates, after moving however, his world promptly turned to black and all he could feel were surprisingly gentle hands lowering him to the floor.


	7. Chapter 7

Sorry it's been so long scence the toast update, I broke my femur and got just got off the good meds today. :)

Saavikam69 : Exactly. I figured it might be something that would develop because of all of the trauma from tarsus. Thanks for the review, I'm really glad you like it. :)

disclaimer : not mine, and it's extremely unlikely it ever will be.

thanks to everyone who read, favorited, or followed! You guys make my day.

* * *

A pair of impossibly blue eyes suddenly shot open. The owner of these eyes immediately regretted opening them, and promptly shut them again.

"Jim?" A sore sounding whisper calls out through the dark. A hand moves to his face and slowly strokes his cheek with it's thumb.

-0737-

It took him five minutes to get to Jim and Bones felt his heart tug painfully at the pitiful sight. "Get him on a stretcher and get him into a bed ASAP" he said keeping his hand in Jim's. "He'll be ok" he said weakly to Spock before running along with his nurses.

-1452-

He's awake, he notices after a few moments. Not that he wants to be. He quickly took a peak, and noticed that his boyfriend wouldn't even look at him. He tried to remember how he got here.

-1523-

He finally tries to open his eyes for more than a second, and notices Spock sitting there. He stares at his first officer for all of about twenty seconds before the emotions in Spock's eyes register in Jim's brain. Pain, regret, sadness, and most of all, shock.

And then Spock calls Bones over.

-1526-

There are few things Captain Kirk is afraid of. One, is Bones with hypos. It's really a very scary sight. And up until now, he has never been this afraid of his lover. He comes over with a fury in his eyes that makes Jim think that he might just be killed by the absolutely asinine amount of hypos he's about to get.

" , stop crowding up my sick bay and get back to doing your god-dammed job." He all but snarled as he looked down at his patient.

He waits for Spock's reply, which would probably be along the lines of needing to ensure the health of the captain, but it doesn't come. All is silent in the small private room. Even Spock doesn't want to mess with bones when he's like this. Spock just silently gets out of his chair and leaves, stotic as ever. But there's no fooling Jim, he knows Spock's hurt.

Jim just lays there shocked for a moment while McCoy comes over and pets his hair like he does when he's trying to calm Jim down. He can't tell, but he thinks he feels a tear land on his shirt.

-1538-

He's freaking out a little bit on the inside. Where's the yelling? Where's the mean quips about how it's his own fault for being here? Where's all the hypos he was expecting? He thinks for a while, trying not to freak out.

It's very comforting that he's not being yelled at, and he knows Bones is trying to make him comfortable. And soon, he falls back into a deep sleep, but only after hearing a small sob escape McCoy's lips.

"I love you" Bones finally chokes out, but Jim isn't awake to hear it.

- 1610-

Bones realizes that at some point, he must have sat down on the chair that Spock had left. He really doesn't know when it happened, but it did. He thinks about it for a little bit while he wipes the tears from his eyes.

After a while he reaches out to grab his patient's hand. He takes some time to think about the other mans hand, and realizes it feels different somehow. He can't really think of how at the moment, but that doesn't matter.

He sits for awhile longer, clutching on to Jim's hand. And then it hits him that his hand feels different because Jim isn't crushing Leonard's like he does every time they hold hands.

He can't help but feel like this is all his fault. He knows deep down inside that it isn't, but he can't help but feel responsible. How didn't he see it? How in hell had he not noticed? As he thinks back on it, he sees the signs, and makes a mental list :

1. The way he always pushes his food around on his plate in the mess before tossing at least 90% of it, claiming he wasn't as hungry as he thought he was. Looking back on it, a little red flag popped up, and simply said : pretending to eat.

2. How he usually gets out of eating, but normally with a good excuse. He almost always refuses to eat around others or in public places. Jim never eats when asked to dinners on diplomatic missions, or when yeoman Rand brings him food, stating that he doesn't know what the food is, (None of them really know what it is, usually the food is always weird at those dinners and Rand's cooking isn't much different.) and its a possibility that he's allergic to it. But still, another red flag appeared : Strange/secretive food rituals.

3. Jim always eats low-calorie foods, like apples or salad. He almost never eats anything that could even be considered desert. McCoy never really noticed until now, but it always seemed like he was on a diet. Jim never really said it, but it made scents now. It all finally came together, and again a flag was raised : Dieting despite being thin.

4. And most of all, the running. Jim had always ran, even back when they were at the academy. Not that it was bad for him, of course, but now that Bones had all the information, another little red flag popped up in his mind : Excessive exercise.

How did it take him this long to figure this out? How in the ever-loving fuck did he let it get this far? Jim could've died! He was a doctor god-dammit, and he didn't even notice his boyfriend was anorexic.

He just sat for a while longer crying.

-2143-

He hasn't even moved. He couldn't even if he had wanted to. He couldn't let Jim wake up alone. He would never let that happen. He sat there holding his lover's hand, thinking. How was he going to try to fix this? He was going to help Jim in any way he could, and right now he needed to be right here. After a while he fell asleep, still clutching onto Jim's hand.

-2348-

A pair of impossibly blue eyes suddenly shot open. The owner of these eyes immediately regretted opening them, and promptly shut them again.

"Jim?" A sore sounding whisper calls out through the dark. A hand moves to his face and slowly strokes his cheek with it's thumb.

He doesn't know what to do after that. He sits there a moment, and silently cries. "Shh, shh. It's okay darlin, it's alright." Bones hoarsely whispers. "Just let it all out, it's gonna be okay, don't worry sweetheart." The hand moves to his hair, gently petting it, and they sit there for a long while.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer : nothing is mine.

thanks to everybody who read, reviewed, favorited and followed. I hope this chapter doesn't suck, I wrote it at like 3 in the morning. Enjoy!

* * *

"Jim, I love you." He whispered in the dark room. He stroked the young captain's hair as he laid in sick bay. "Always and forever. No matter what, and until the end of time."

"Really? Forever?"

"Yeah, but don't let it go to your head kid." He said softly. "You know why your here right?"

"I passed out, didn't I?"

"Yeah. You haven't eaten anything in days. I don't understand why, and I won't pretend that I do darlin." He said petting Jim's hair. "You know I'm going to have to put you on medical leave right?" He whispered. Jim just nodded. "I didn't want to, but I think it's necessary if your going to get better, okay? I need you to get better, we all do. We all need our captain to be healthy." He moved his hand from Jim's hair down to hold his hand. "You know they've all been down here at least once? Chekov's been down here four times. Everyone's really worried."

"I-I didn't mean to worry anyone."

"It's okay, darlin." He said. "They all care about you."

"You didn't.. What did you tell them?" He whispered slowly.

"I didn't say anythin, just told them to come back when you were up. I figured you wouldn't wana say anythin about it." He looked at Jim for a minute. "I don't understand, you know. I don't get how you could do this to yourself."

"I need you to make something up. They can't... I don't want them to know why I'm really here." He whispered.

"Okay. I will. But only if you try to eat. You have to try, please."

"Can we go back to our room now Bones?" He finally asked.

"Only after everyone comes to see you, and only if you promise you'll try to eat something."

"I don't have to do it right now, right?"

"No, I'll whip up something at home." Jim let out a small sigh of relief.

"Thanks Bones. Can they come in now?"

"Yeah, I'll go round em' up."

-0744-

Eventually, they all went to go do there jobs.

"How bout you go see Scotty while I go make some food darlin. He wanted ta see ya, but he's still trying ta catch the duck."

"Okay. Yeah, sounds good. But what about the duck?" McCoy just handed him a box and gave him a quick kiss.

-0818-

"Scotty! I got it!" He yelled across the main engine room, while holding up a wriggling box.

"Aye, ye did lad, ye did. What do we do with it?"

"I dono, Scotty." He said handing the box over.

"I say we send it out thee air lock. It tried ta eat my sandwich yesterday."

-0852-

The door softly chimed behind him. Jim looked at the doctor for a moment with something akin to fear in his eyes.

"Comere" McCoy said softly, and the fear melted, but only a little. "You ready?" He asked gesturing to the table, set with two small bowls of tomato soup and little half grilled cheeses.

"I-I'll try..." He whispered. "But I don't... I don't know if I can." He said as he sat down.

"That's all I'm askin darlin. I just need you to try." He said as Jim slowly brought his spork to his lips. McCoy did the same and they ate in a comfortable silence.

"I... Err.. Will you eat my sandwich? I uhh... I can't..." The captain stammered quietly.

"Only if your sure you can't eat it." He said looking down at Jim's now almost empty bowl. "You did really good sweetheart." He said softly as he took the tiny triangle shaped sandwich Jim handed him. They sat quietly once again for a moment while he ate Jim's sandwich. "I have to go back to work soon. Please just stay here, and take a nap or something, alright? I know you hate bein all cooped up, but right now I don't want you goin down ta the gym, okay?" He said slowly. "Sorry."

"It's ok, I'll be okay." He whispered. "I love you." He said after a chase kiss.

"I'll be back for lunch darlin." He said. They shared another kiss.

-0914-

McCoy sat silently in his office, hunched over a padd and another grilled cheese sandwich. He picked up the padd, and quietly read while munching on his sandwich. He sat reading Jim's allergy lists and medical history, a paper on nutritional needs that he wrote back at the academy, and a cook book.

He quietly sighed as he stared a chart of possible meals for the next week or so. He had so much work to do. He had to change Jim's meal card to work with all the replicators on the ship, just incase he got hungry while he was some were weird. He had to gather tons of recipes that Jim would like, were what he needed to be eating, and that he wasn't going to be allergic to. He even called the mess to see if it was possible to stay open all the time. He was going to be busy all day.

"Oh shit." He whispered to himself. "Fuck, why did I do that?" He said as he started crying. He slowly made his way to the bathroom. "What in the hell was I thinking?" He said to his own reflection. He looked himself in the eye.

"Why?" He said to it. "They all died... There dead... I couldn't save them! I can't even do my own fucking job right! I let all those people die, and for some god damned reason I thought it was okay for me to eat?" He looked down at the sink, he couldn't even bare to see himself.

"After all the people that've died because of me, how in the hell had I thought that I deserved to eat? Tarsus, Vulcan, and now the Tragodians. So many people have died that it was my job to save." He said quietly as he moved to grab his gym bag. "I can't... I can't just... I need to..." He started undressing, and pulled his running shorts and shirt on.

He set an alarm on his watch for 1115 as he quietly slipped out the door making his way down to the main gym.

He quickly looked around to make sure he was alone, and started running.

-1124-

Bones sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time today, and picked up his padd. He looked at his watch and smiled. He quickly went through his messages.

The first was from Starfleet medical, approving a request for some hypos they had ran out of.

The second was from the mess hall, informing him that no, they couldn't run 24-7. But, the doors would be unlocked from now on, and the food that was already made could be kept warm.

The third, was surprisingly from nurse chapel. Why would she message him when they were in the same place, he wondered as he opened it. She explained that while she was on lunch she had wanted to go down to the gym. Guess who was there, the end of the massage read. "God mother fuckin damn it!"

-1126-

Jim quickly turned on the shower, and stepped in. He ran almost twenty miles today, and he defiantly smelled like it. The cool water felt good against his aching muscles, but he couldn't linger. He quickly washed up and put on his uniform from earlier, throwing his clothes back into his gym bag. He looked at himself for a moment, and then brushed his hair.

The door chimed.

"Hey there darlin." McCoy said. Jim greeted him with a light kiss. "What do ya want for lunch?" Jim thought for a moment, and stared at the floor.

"Do I... Do I have to eat lunch Bones? I don't... I really don't think I can." A hand slowly made its way to Jim's chin, and gently moved his head up to look at McCoy. They stared at each other a while.

"Can you try, darlin? I'm just trying to help you be healthy. Please?" Jim started to cry softly, and Leonard's hand moved from Jim's face to rub his back."Shh, shh. It's alright darlin, it's okay. Everything's gonna be okay, don't worry sweetheart. You don't need to fill those pretty blue eyes with tears." He whispered. "I love you." Jim stopped crying after a few minutes, and looked down at the floor.

"I... Can we have salad?... I think I could... Maybe eat a small salad."

"We can have anything you want, anytime you want. Okay, darlin? Whenever you want anything, just tell me and I'll make it for you."

"Yeah... Okay." He whispered still looking at the floor. Bones pulled him over to the table gently, and pulled out his chair.

"What do you want on it darlin?"

"Just... Just plain... Can I get raspberry vinaigrette dressing?"

"You can get anything you want." Bones said before he put their order in the replicator. The machine hissed a little, and then two plates were produced. One, a small sad looking pile of lettuce with a dark pink dressing. The second, was a much more hearty portion of lettuce, with carrots, cucumbers, and even some cheese, covered in a nice creamy ranch dressing. He sat the plates down in there respective places, and sat down.

"Umm... Bones? I need a spork." Jim said after a moment, smirking a bit. Bones however, eloquently hit himself in the forehead, which caused a small chuckle from Jim.

"Ohh. Yeah, duh. Sorry." He said handing his lover a spork, and then digging into his own meal. He didn't particularly care for salad, but he was so hungry he didn't care. He was trying to make Jim more comfortable by making the portions smaller (he was going to gradually make the portions larger as Jim's relationship with food got better) but he hadn't really thought about how it was going to affect him. Then, it suddenly hit him that his mouth was ridiculously dry. "I'm gonna get a drink, you want one?" He said as he got up.

"Yeah, can I get a diet coke?" He said while pushing his food around on his plate. A minute or two later, Bones came back with Jim's coke and a glass of sweet tea. He sat back down, and vigorously finished his meal. McCoy sat back after that and quietly sipped his tea, trying to see if Jim was eating without starring at him.

"Please don't look at me when I eat, it's unnerving," Jim frowned and put down his spork.

"Can you blame me?" Bones asked, the question coming out a bit harsher than he had intended.

"I thought you were supposed to trust me."

"And I do. I just need to make sure your actually gonna eat it, because you really need to if you don't wana pass out again." He snorted. "Not ta mention the fact that you went to the gym even though I told you not too, so I think I'm in the clear."

Jim looked more than a little busted.

"Yes I know." McCoy hissed, "I'm not stupid…. Or blind for that matter. For a genius, you're incredibly stupid sometimes."

"Have you been spying on me?"

"Oh shut up!" He hissed, "You have no right to be offended by that!"

"Oh really?"

"Yes really!" McCoy paused to take a breath but made sure to continue before the captain recovered. "So if I keep track of your eating and exercise habits because I care about you then you have no right to be offended by it!"

Demonstratively, Jim pushed his plate away and glared at Leonard.

"The five-year-old approach?" He raised an eyebrow. "That's real damned constructive." Jim started to cry a little. "I'm so, so sad to see you do this. It hurts, Darlin, because I love you."

"I'm sorry," Jim whispered, tears muffling the words. McCoy moved over to the other side of the table, and slowly stroked his back. "I try to eat because I don't want you to worry…but it makes it worse. I eat when I don't want to and it's…."

"Shh, it's alright darlin, as long as your tryin." He whispered when Jim's voice seemed to die out. "Comere you. Lets go on in and lay down for a while." He said while slowly picking up his captain.

"Can you stay honey?" He whispered as McCoy sat him down gently on the bed. "Just until I'm asleep? I... I don't want to lay here alone."

"Yeah, I'll stay."

-1246-

slowly moved from his lover's grasp as he finally fell asleep. He quickly found an old style pen and paper, scrawled out a quick note, replicated a small box of chocolates, grabbed an apple from the mess, and then set them on Jim's bedside table for when he woke up.

He made his way back to his office quickly. He still had so much to do. As soon as he sat down and picked up his padd, the door chimed. He sighed once again.

"Come in." He said not even looking up from his desk.

"Doctor, I-"

"Stop crowding the god dammed doorway and take a damned seat ." He said after a moment. Spock complied without even a quip. "What do you need?"

"I mearly came to ask after the health of the captain."

"He's asleep, but he's not really fellin any better. Like I said earlier, he just needs lots of rest." He sighed. "He'll be off duty for about three weeks, and off away teams for two more after that."

"I also came to ascertain the legitimate cause of his collapse." McCoy sighed for what was probably the four-hundredth time today.

"I already told you damn it, he had low blood sugar."

"Deceit does not become you, doctor." He said while give McCoy an eyebrow rase of doom.

"Malnutrition and excessive exercise." He said slowly. Spock shifted in his chair, and even Bones could tell he was worried. "If you tell anyone else about this, you damned green-blooded hobgoblin, I will personally push you out of an air lock."

"Is there any way in which I can help rectify this matter?"

"Actually, yes. I need you to take something down to him at about fifteen hundred for me." He said getting up and moving over to the replicator. It let out a small hiss, and a single plate sat inside with a small blue thing sitting on it. He searched for a pen and paper, made a note for Jim, folded it and handed it and the plate to Spock. "Don't worry about it getting cold, it's supposed to be. He'll wake up when you ring the bell, he sleeps light. Just give him this and tell him I'll be down later."

"Of course doctor." Spock said as he left quietly.

-1500-

Ding! "God damn it." Jim said as he woken up and something hit him on the foot. "Ouch! What the hell was that?" He said picking up a small box, a note, and a thoroughly bruised apple. "Stupid door." He whispered as he walked over to the door. "Come in."

"Greetings captain. asked me to bring you this." Spock said while handing Jim the note and plate.

"What the fuck is this?" Jim said quietly while poking the odd blue mass. "Oh my god, it just moved!" He said as he eyed it suspiciously.

"I believe it is a grub of some sort. It was moving because you touched it, sir."

"No Spock. I can tell the difference between moving because I poked it, and moving because its still alive and wants to eat me."

"I can assure you, the grub is not a member of the undead, and does not crave flesh. There have been no instances of this happening, and such an event would be highly illogical." He said flatly.

"Oh god! It's moving again! There's no way this thing is dead!"

"I assure you that it is quite dead captain. I must return to my duties, I hope you are felling more rested."

"Thanks, Spock." He said as his first officer left. He quietly sat the plate on the table, and sat down to read Bones's notes.

/I left these in case you got hungry. The apple is from when we were docked at star base six, so it might not be good anymore, which is why I left the chocolates. Try to eat something, okay?/

He quickly moved the first note aside, and threw the apple at the trash chute.

"Woo!" He quietly cheered as it went in, and then he switched notes.

/Jim, I figured you wouldn't really feel like chocolate, so I thought I might as well send you something else down. It's a grub from Octon5 that they treat like a desert. It'll be easy on your stomach, and they don't taste bad. I'll be home for dinner soon, try to get some more sleep darlin. I love you./

Slowly, he folded the notes back up and moved them to his desk. He wearily sat back down and picked up his spork. He poked the odd blue blob.

It moved.

It was a a lot like jello, he thought. He timidly put some of the jiggly animal on his spoon, and slowly moved it towards his mouth. He stopped suddenly. It wiggled on his spork, and he let it fall off. He stabbed at the small animal again, and again let it slide off and land on the plate with a small plop.

He closed his eyes, and quickly picked up another small bite. This time, he quickly slid it into his mouth, and chewed. It wasn't an unpleasant flavor, but that scarcely mattered. As he continued to eat the neon blue animal, he started to cry softly. "Shit." He whispered while putting his spork down. His stomach churned as he slowly opened his eyes.

Mortified, he looked down at his plate. Half of it was gone.

He quickly pushed away from the table and ran into the bathroom with a hand covering his mouth.

-1614-

"Honey, I'm home." Bones called out as the door opened. "Jim?" He said looking around. He quickly walked into the bedroom. "Hello?" He looked at Jim's bedside table and smiled. The note and food were both gone. But where was Jim? "Darlin?" He called into the living room. He looked around the room quickly, trying to find his lover. His eyes fell upon the table, and then moved to the half-eaten grub and the box of chocolates. "Jimmy?" He said quietly as he made his way over to the bathroom.

The shower wasn't on. The water wasn't running. There was no sound coming from there. But..the light was on under the door.

He cautiously moved to the door, and put his hand on the button. "Darlin?" he said, rather loudly. He wanted to give the man time to respond in case he was in there doing…well, whatever.

There was a stir in the room, the light shifting under the door. "Bones..?" came the soft response. The captain's voice sounded rather scratchy, as if he had just woken up. Had he fallen asleep in the bathroom?

He stifled a laugh at the thought of that and asked, "Jim, is it alright if I come in?"

More movement. "What…?"

The doctor turned the knob. "I'm coming in."

He found Jim standing there looking helpless. The toilet. Filled with…vomit?

"Oh god. Fuck. You didn't... You didn't... Make yourself vomit, did you?"

* * *

woo! Cliffhanger!


	9. Chapter 9

**Sapere : **Thank you! I was reading another Tarsus fic when an realized that not many people explored the possibilities of the famine/genocide giving Kirk food issues, and a friend of mine convinced me to write this. I feel like I kind of portrayed Bones wrong because he wasn't really trying to figure it all out, but hopefully I fixed that in this chapter. Honestly, I figured the doctor would be more concerned about trying to get him to eat something at first, so he wouldn't really think about why strait away.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Thanks to everybody who read, favorited, reviewed, and followed! I really hope this chapter doesn't suck, I tried to write it in a taxi. I'm sorry for it being so short. Enjoy!

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"I.. I tried not to... I..." He whispered. "It's... Not like I wanted to do it... I didn't mean to..." Slowly, McCoy moved to rub Jim's back. "It..." He whispered as he slowly slid down to the floor. "It hurts... So much."

"Then why?" He quietly asked. "Why? I need to know. I don't understand why you do it. How can you hurt yourself like this?"

"I don't... I feel..." He stuttered weakly as he moved a bit closer to the toilet. "Guilt. I just feel... Guilty... And it hurts... And then... This just... Sort of happens... Or the gym."

"What's there to be guilty for?" He asked slowly. "There's no reason to be guilty for eatin, darlin."

"Not for you." He whispered.

"Not for you, either. Defiantly not for you." He moved to rub Jim's back. "Your a hero, darlin. There's difinantly not a dammed reason for you ta be guilty for eating. There's not a reason for anyone to feel like that." He pulled Jim into a tight hug.

"No... No. Your... Your wrong... I'm not a hero. I never will be, no matter how hard I try."

"Don't be a fool darlin. Do you hear yourself? Your captain James T. Kirk, who pretty much single handedly saved the entire federation and earth! You jumped from 25,000 ft, towards certain death, without a second thought to save Sulu! You've saved millions of people, Jimmy. Millions! If that's not heroic, then I dono what is."

"What about the others? What about the ones I didn't get to in time? What about the Vulcans? What about the Tragodians? Or Kevin's sister? I'm a monster Bones, a monster who lets people die." He practically screamed.

"No, darlin. Your not a monster, really. You save people all the time. Wait... Who's Kevin? What happened to his sister?"

"I don't..." He said holding his stomach. "Move." He said before reaching once again.

McCoy simply sat rubbing his lovers back. It could wait.

-1758-

Slowly, he sat Jim down on their bed. He pulled off his lovers boots and socks, and covered him up. "I'm gona go get you an IV, okay? It's just nutrients, don't worry."

"Can... Can you wait till I'm asleep? I don't... I don't want you to leave... And I don't really... Wana see the needle..." He whispered.

"Yeah, it can wait a little bit. It's not like your gonna instantly get scurvy or somthin."

He laid down, and put his arms around his captain.

"You cold?" He asked after a long while.

"Mhm." The sleepy reply came. Slowly, the doctor got up, and walked over to their closet.

"Is two more blankets gonna be enough?" He called through the dark.

"Yeah."

"Ok." He said pulling the long fluffy blankets out of the closet. Quickly, he added them, and laid back in his own spot.

Almost immediately, the other occupant of the bed fell asleep.

-2017-

"Chapel?" He said as he came in.

"Yes doctor?" She almost whispered.

"Can you get a nutritional IV started and bring it down to Jim and I's room? I gotta grab some things."

"Of course sir."

"Thanks." He said while slipping into his office. He tiredly picked up his padd and looked around the room. He looked at his schedule for tomorrow, and sighed.

A knock came from the door.

"I took it down, but he was still asleep so I didn't put it in."

"Alright, thanks. You can go on to your own room now, and you don't have to come in until 0900 tomorrow."

"Thank you."

-2043-

He quickly plunged the needle in. His lover didn't even flinch. He set the drip, and put on his pajamas. He made sure Jim was asleep before he got into bed. Finally, he got situated and put his arms around his lover.

He started crying silently.

"What are we gona do?" He whispered softly. "How in the hell did all this happen?"

-July 27th-

In the dark room, a figure suddenly awoke. He wasn't happy with it at all. His cheeks are wet, his hands are balled into fists, and he has a strong urge to scream. He realizes that a pair of hazel eyes are looking at him, and takes a moment to calm down.

"You alright?"

"Just.. Just an old memory..."

"Wana talk bout it?"

"Err... I... "

"Please darlin? It'll make ya feel better."

"Okay... Yeah... I was... Was looking out my window... A long time ago... Everyone was in the town square... It all... It was all gone..."

"What was, dear?"

"Their... Their food... No one out there had any... They... A man and a little kid were fighting over some bread..."

"What?"

"The soldiers... We're guarding the store... A friend of mine watched while a man down there stabbed another... He saw one man kill another... For food Bones... They... They started eating each other... When it got really bad." McCoy slowly moved to rub his lovers back. "Oh god." He whispered as he started crying again. "Bucket." He all but demanded before bringing up a yellow tinged bile into the trash can by their bed.

"Shhh... Shhh... It's alright. It's okay darlin."

"No it's not Bones. What he did will never be okay. Never."

"What who did?"

"Kodos."

"WHAT?"

"I... I was there when everything went to shit, you know? Your the first... And prolly only person I will ever talk about this with."

"Oh god... That's why there's a huge gap in your record isn't it?"

"Yeah." He whispered.

"Are... Are you gonna be alright?" He asked gesturing to the bucket.

"No... Soon maybe..."

"Do you want somthin for it? I've got new anti-nausea hypos... If you need one?"

"No. Don't leave." He said curling himself around the doctor. "You make it less horrible."


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer :nothing is mine.

**RubyHair** : thank you so much! I literally almost stared crying when I read your review! I'm sorry about the typos, I write on my iPad and autocorrect is awful. I've read few like that, and I can see why people would go that rought. It does make scence, and I think shatter had a big role in it going that way. I honestly don't know which way it would've happened. I think that TOS Kirk would probably over eat, but I think it could go either way with reboot Kirk, just because the years tarsus are so different between the two.

I hope I didn't screw it up, I just thought it would be nice to have a chapter that's a bit different. Thanks to anyone who read, reviewed, followed and favorited! Enjoy everybody!

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-0547-

Something felt different, Jim noticed as he slowly awoke. It took him a second or two of concentration to put together a number of rather disturbing feelings and to realize that there was a needle bandaged into his arm. This, of course, shook him quite badly. From the needle there snaked a thin, long pipe that hung in a gentle curl from a thick white plastic bag that was suspended from a tall metal stand. He made himself calm again and lay quietly for a few moments before attempting to get up once more.

He sat up impatiently, and quickly rejoined the bed for another moment.

As he came back around, he treated himself with a little more care and lay quietly, feeling gently nauseous.

"You okay darlin?"

"Yeah, just... Just blacked out there for a second. I just moved too fast, that's all."

"Okay, yeah." McCoy said while getting up. "Need me to take it out?" He said quickly pointing at the IV.

"Yeah." He said looking at the floor quickly. "Ow."

"Do... If I... Can we.. Are you hungry?

"Yeah."

"Will you try to eat breakfast if I make it?"

"I'll try... But I... I don't know..."

"As long as you try, that's the important part."

"Do you want help?"

"No, I've got it honey. You stay in bed and rest."

-0614-

"Here ya go, honey." McCoy said while setting a small tray on his lovers lap.

"What in the hell is that?" He said pointing to a small bowl of white mush with cheese.

"There called cheese grits. I think you'll like em'."

"Ohh. What're they made of?"

"It's just boiled, ground up corn with cheese sweetie. There real good if you dip the cornbread in them." Timidly he picked up a pice and dunked it in. McCoy looked away. "Do.. Do you need me to go eat in the kitchen?"

"No... You can look at me, you know. Just don't stare while I'm eating." He said with the biscuit halfway to his mouth.

"Okay. Yeah."

"This is pretty good." He said taking his first bite.

"It's my granny's recipe. She useta make it for me when I was a kid."

"Ohh. She sounds like a nice lady."

"She is. Maybe I'll take you down to meet er next time were dirt-side."

"Your too nice to me, you know that? You bring me breakfast in bed and I get to meat your awesome granny. What's next, ehh? Gonna bring me some ridiculous space flowers?"

"Hmm... Now that you mention it, there were some pretty lookin black and white ones last time I was down in the lab..." He said with a smirk. Jim just laughed and put his head on the doctors shoulder.

"Sulu won't stop tellin me about those ones. There called panda lilies, they grow on top of some volcano or something. They only bloom if its like ridiculously hot, so they grow on the inside of the crater."

"Whoa... That's.. Wow."

"Yeah. That's what I said."

"What're you gonna do to day?"

"I think I'll look at that stuff Chekov sent me. It's adorable, every time you put me on sick leave he sends me some equations and some long letter about how he doesn't want me to be bored."

"That kids loves you, you know that? He told me once that you were like the best big brother ever."

"He called me his brother?"

"Yeah. He always does when your in sickbay. He always comes down and asks me how his brother is."

"Damn that kid is cute. Maybe we should try to get him to talk to the Klingons next time, maybe he could, like make them explode with his adorableness. Or at least make them go away."

"That'd be funny as hell. We might even have to call Pike and tell him we found their weakness. I think we'd havta get Uhura to teach him Klingon though, so that he could fuck with them in their own language."

"Just imagine the look that Pike would give us! It would totally be worth the terrible place he would send us to!"

"Yeah! I wouldn't even care were he sent us, as long as he sent us there together."

"You're really damned sappy. Seriously, I feel like I'm in Canada or something.*" He said with a smile.

"You should prolly get dressed eventually, you know."

"I only have like three shirts, and I think somebody keeps stealing my undershirts while I'm at the gym. I don't even know wear my gold one is, which is really bad, cus that's my last one."

"How did you lose them all?! You had like twelve of them."

"You know the gold ones get ripped a lot, and I seriously think there's somebody plotting to try and like, piss me off or something by taking all of my undershirts."

"I bet it's like some huge conspiracy or something. Maybe Spock and Uhura are trying to make you go insane."

"Yeah, and M'Benga is trying to slowly poison you so that he can be CMO."

"I knew it." He said before they both burst into laughter.

"Gimme your plate." Jim said while attempting to stand up. "I'll wash em'."

McCoy slowly handed him his plate, and tried to get a good look at Jim's.

"I know what your doing, you know."

"Yeah, I know. I just.. I can't help but worry."

"It's alright."

"Did... Can I ask, or will it freak you out?"

"I ate it all, don't worry. I don't feel too bad yet."

"What do ya mean too bad? You alright?"

"I'm fine, just keep talking so I can't think about it too much. It uhh... It helps a lot if I don't think about it... I really don't wana be sick again... So I uhh... Just need to stay busy."

-0848-

"Bridge to McCoy."

"What doya want, I'm busy."

"Spock said you have to come to this mornings meeting, Doctor."

"Alright Uhura, tell the damned hobgoblin I'm comin."

A dark blue shirt and a pair of smiley face pajama pants were thrown at the laundry shoot.

The left side of the second row of dresser drawers was empty. This was a problem. Most people would ask why this was a problem. But then again, Jim Kirk is not most people.

"Ok, so... Were the fuck are all my shirts?" He whispered to himself.

He looked around the room, slowly scanning for a black shirt. None.

He walked into the bathroom, and again, looked around. Nope. Not one black shirt. He picked up his pile of clothes that were resting on the counter.

Socks, check. Underwear, check. Pants, check. Shirt, not check. Annoyed sigh, check. He slowly moved back into the bedroom, and opened the right side of the second row of dresser drawers. He rummaged through Bones' drawer of black shirts, just to see if there were any of his were mixed in, which was going to piss Bones off, but whatever, and there were none. Annoyed sigh number two, check. None of them were his. Not a single god-dammed shirt in the whole room was his size. Not one. Quickly he rummaged through his gym bag for his T-shirt, but even that was gone.

"Damn it." He whispered, pulling one of the too large shirts from the drawer.

-0853-

"Good morning everyone." Spock said while taking his seat. "Dr. McCoy, you may begin."

"What exactly am I spose ta be doin? I don't even know why I'm here, I never come to these dammed things. Why am I even at this meeting?"

"To report on the health of the captain."

"Spock, I swear if you said a word, I will skin you alive." He whispered.

"No, they have all accurately assessed the situation and came to their own conclusions. I only confirmed their deductions."

"What the hell? Really?" He said looking around the room.

"I noticed in de mess hall. He alvays sat with book instead of food, and Keptian is weary thin, yes? I figwered maybe he just vasen't hungry sometimes, but Keptian alvays has no food. I wigured maybe fainting is not from low-would sugar and vas from no food?"

"I just accidentally walked in on him in the gym's shower last week. I mean, sure he's always been thin, but I didn't know he was that thin. There's just no way he could be eating right."

"I noticed awhile ago that he doesn't usually go to the mess after shift, and he's always in the gym before I get there. I just... I just noticed the pattern, you know? And then, when he fainted, it all kinda clicked for me. I just kind of got it then." Uhura whispered.

"Whell, I used to always offer 'im a sandwich when he was in engendering, because he's just a wee lad, but he never took it, and sometimes he just seamed dead on 'is feet. An' after a while I realized that I'd never seen 'im eat. I get that it's bit of an odd place for a snack, but I'd not even seen 'im in the mess. After he fainted, I just figured it out, yeah?"

"So Spock, that just leaves you. Care to share?" The doctor said after a long pause.

"I noticed in the mess hall and during diplomatic dinners that the Captain normally did not partake of anything, and had intended to make a query as to why. After his collapse, his apparent lack of interest in subsidence and his exercise habits lead to several logical conclusions, this outcome being the most statistically likely."

"Ok, now that we all know what's goin on, anybody got any questions?"

"Is Keptian going to ve ok?"

"We're working on it Chekov."

"Is there anything we can do to help?"

"Yes. You can all help him by being talking to him during lunch, trying not stare at him if he is eating, and just acting normally." He said in his best doctor voice. " But most importantly, don't ask him if he's ate or gona eat, and don't say anything about it if he does eat. Never pretend you understand, never yell, and never get angry and blame him. It's nobody's fault, not his or anybody else's. The most important thing right now is making sure he's getting proper nutrition. I'm giving him some nutritional supplements right now, but we need to help him change his relationship with food."

"How do ya spose we 'elp 'im with at?

"Just be good role models for healthy eating, and don't be the food police."

-1313-

Ding! "Come in."

"Is that my-" McCoy said pointing at Jim.

"Yes. I couldn't find any of mine." He said while looking at the floor.

"Oh. You look like a little kid wearin hand-me-downs. What happened to yours?"

"Dono. All my shirts are gone."

"How ya feelin'?"

"Awful. You?"

"I'm alright. What's wrong darlin?"

"My stomach hurts, I'm tired, and I'm bored."

"How bout we take a nap and then?"

"Yeah."

-1437-

"Jim? You awake?"

"Mmmhmm. Whadow ya want?"

"It's almost fifteen hundred."

"Oh. Ok." He said while rolling over.

"So that means get up, it's lunchtime. It's well past it if you ask me, but we need to go eat anyways."

"I don wana."

"Eat or get up?"

"Both."

"Come on" he said picking Jim up. "We need to get up." He said setting him on the couch. "We can even go to the mess."

-1503-

"No."

"But we-"

"No."

"Please?"

"I said no."

"Okay... I.. I didn't mean to push.."

"It's fine."

"I can get you a drink though, right?"

"Yeah." Picking up a tray, Leonard slowly picked up his lunch, and (just for a certain someone, just incase) a cookie. He grabbed two glasses and sat down.

"Why?"

"There's other people..." He whispered. "I don't... Don't like eating in public.. It makes me feel like there starring..."

"Are you hungry? Do you wana go home and have somthin?"

"Yeah. But let's stay here. You've already got food anyways."

They sat for awhile, looking out the window. Slowly, the people cleared out.

"Can I have some?"

Leonard looked up from his food, finding Jim completely serious.

"Can I have some?" He asked again, slower, as if McCoy hadn't understood the first time.

"You sure?" The doctor said, pointing at the food with his spork.

"Yes."

"You sure you want it? I can get you your own, if your up to it."

"I don't want my own. Don't question me."

Bones sighed, handing Jim his spork. He looked out the window as Jim helped himself to a small portion of his lunch.

They talked about the ship until Leonard ran out of questions (the obvious, the stupid and the insightful) to keep the conversation going. It became quiet at some point, and jim got up. He reached out and grabbed hold of Jim's sleeve without looking at him.

"Please, sit down," He begged.

"Bones…." Jim didn't move.

He took a deep breath and let go.

"Thank you."

"Please don't thank me for this." He said to Jim's retreating back.

Unenthusiastically, he finished his lunch as he waited for the captain to return from the bathroom.


	11. Chapter 11

Hello everybody! Sorry it's been so long.

RubyHair : yes, yes it is.

Beverley Sharp : no! I'm just a jerk who stops writing in weird places that result in terrible cliffhangers. If I do kill off a character, you'll know it. :)

Disclaimer : nothing is mine bro.

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-1723-

"But-"

"No buts, Jim. You need to eat."

"I already did, and it didn't really go to well."

"Can't you please just try again? For me?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Fine then!" He said pulling his med bag out. "You can eat or I can bring out the hypos. Your choice."

"Damn it Bones! If I eat again I guarantee it'll come back up so what's the god-dammed point! I'd rather you stab me with those damned things than have to go thought that again." Bones moved to pet his hair. "It hurts... It hurts so much.." He said as he began sobbing.

"I'll go get somethin for the nausea, if you want it."

"I just wana go to sleep." He whispered. "I'm so tired... My throat burns, my stomach hurts..."

"Okay. Alright, yeah... Lets... Lets go to bed... It'll be better in the morning, yeah?"

-July 28th, 0156-

A yellow ship moves sluggishly through the vast expanse of space, scanning quietly for its target. Finally, the silver ship comes into view. The captain of the ship sits up in her seat, and then leans forward eyeing the large vessel.

"Is that it? Have we found them?"

"Yes mam, that's the ship, I'm sure of it."

"Fire. I don't care were you hit it, just hit it."

-0211-

An alarm sounded. Quickly, the two occupants of the bed were up and quickly getting dressed in the dark.

"Can I?" The shorter of the two said quietly as they walked out their door. He got a small grunt that he assumed was an affirmative, and slowly move his had into his partner's. "thank you."

"Just this. Your goin back ta bed straight after its over. I have a fellin' were gonna need you ta fix this one."

-0224-

"McCoy, we've got twelve on deck three dead, and eight coming in for surgery." Chapel yelled to him as he entered. She was bandaging a young woman's arm and whipping blood from her forehead.

"Has M'Benga scrubbed in yet?"

"Yes sir. He's in room six."

"Hello? Deck four? Can you hear me?"

"Lieutenant Sulu, track the vessel."

"It's gone sir."

"Gone? How does a ship vanish?" A voice whispered from the doorway.

"Captain? Are you no longer on medical leave?"

"I am. Doctor McCoy made an exception due to the emergency."

"Commander, I need help down here in engendering. Everthin's gone wrong. I need anybody with suit tranin down here to work on deck three and four, they've lost a good parta the outside. We've still got the field though."

"Come on Cap, we better get down there." Uhura wispered.

-July 29th, 0654-

"Scotty, I think we've got four patched up."

"Alrighty lad, send the crew up to three."

-0726-

Ding! "What do you want, I'm sleepin?"

"Captain, we have ascertained the identity of the yellow ship."

"Who were they?"

"They were a faction of Tragodians that had attacked the others on the 22nd, sir.

"M'Benga, how is Ensign Floyd?"

"Stabilized, sir."

-0836-

"Scotty, do you still need people for deck three?"

"Alright Ensign, you're off duty for a week, and on light for a week after."

"Thank you doctor."

-2042-

He stood back up slowly, putting his hand on the stall divider to help himself up. He tried not to look down at the toilet, fearing that it would make him sick once more. He brushed his pants off quietly, and shrugged back into his spacesuit. "Why?" He whispered softly to himself. "Why did they have to die?" He whispered as he began crying. He pushed the visor down and left the small room.

"Cap?"

"Yeah?"

"I made cookies. Want one?"

"What kind are they?"

"Chocolate chip. There vegan and gluten free."

"Yeah... Uh.. Thanks." He said as she handed him one. She smiled and walked away a moment later, leavening him staring down at the warm baked good in his hands. It looked like something you would see on the cooking channel, browned but not burnt, with just enough chocolate. It was pretty much the best looking cookie he had ever seen. It's smell alone made his stomach growl loudly. "It's okay." He thought. "I can do this... I can." He pushed the visor back up and brung the cookie to his mouth. "It's... Okay..." He thought looking down at it. "I can... No... No..." He thought while pulling it back away from his mouth. "No.. They... It's not okay... So many people died... So many people that it was my job to protect... No..." He thought while putting the cookie in his pocket.

-2255-

"Cap?"

"Hmm?"

"When was the last time you slept?"

"I dono, a while ago, I think."

"Go lay down, we can get it from here. You've done more than your fair share of the work."

"I don't mean to be rude sir, but I think it's time you went home."

"Why? How long've I been here?"

"Far to long sir. Go home and get some rest. The paperwork will still be here tomorrow."

"Yeah. Okay."

-July 30th, 0104-

McCoy stood in the doorway between the bedroom and living room, looking down at his lover, who was sprawled out like a cat on their couch.

Jim's skin was pale now, as if it was untouched by even the slightest hint of sun. He wore a black undershirt and his running shorts. The soft blonde hair on his legs was barely noticeable, the feet looking awkwardly large on a man so thin, a man so quiet on his feet that he rivaled a cat. There was a flush on his perfect cheeks, his blue eyes transfixed with a very sad, fragile look. His arms lay across his midsection, his breathing effortless but rapid, pupils widening, slowly obscuring those electric blue eyes. He was trembling all over, but be it because he was cold or the adrenalin Leonard couldn't tell. There was a slight rippling of muscles beneath the deceptively thin arms and scrawny legs.

He kept his eyes transfixed on the light grey carpet, as if it were telling him the deepest, darkest secrets of the universe, not daring to look up at his lover even for a moment. Slowly, he moved to sit up on the long couch, waiting a moment before moving again. He rubbed his eyes a moment, half-heartedly trying to blink away the small black spots at the very edges of his vision, to no avail. With little energy he moved to stand.

The younger man still wasn't looking at him, but he could see the pain in his eyes as he moved in, gently lifting Jim's shirt enough to look at his stomach. The ribs were becoming even more defined than before, and he ran his hands over Jim's jutting hipbones. Len closed his eyes and let the shirt drop back into position. This was his fault; he had been so preoccupied with everything else that he hadn't been paying attention to Jim. Wrapping his hands around Jim's slender waist, he stroked his thumbs up and down his sides, the black fabric rippling as Jim shivered, finally turning his head and meeting his eyes again.

"Bones, I- fuck. I've just been so busy, and you've been busy, and I haven't been able to even think about food..." Jim stopped, searching Len's face before bringing his hands up to cup the sides of Len's neck. "Bones, it's not your fault. Shit happens, alright?" Jim pulled away, walking over to the bed and working his shirt off. "Let's just go to bed, we'll feel better in the morning." Len pursed his lips as the younger man's too-thin frame came into view, and he shook his head.

"No, we both need to eat, and you need supplements to stabilize everything you've thrown out of wack by effectively starving yourself these last few days. I'll get something sent up from the mess." His tone booked no argument, and Jim didn't bother starting one, instead choosing to sag into the mattress. Len walked over to the comm and ordered some stew for the two of them, before opening up his medical kit and fishing out the appropriate hyposprays.

"Aw, Bones, not again-" Jim winced as the hyposprays were depressed into his neck one after the other; if Len was being a little nicer than before, he wasn't going to admit to it.

"They were necessary. I can't have you passing out."

Stowing the used hypos, he cleaned off the small table in preparation of their dinner, occasionally peeking out of the corner of his eye to check on Jim, who had slumped onto his back on the bed.

"Food's here, Jim." The only response he got as he placed the tray down on the table was an inarticulate grunt from the bed, and he snorted. "Jim, get your skinny ass out of bed and get over here."

"I'll eat later." The younger man's voice was muffled by an arm thrown over his face, and Len sighed.

"No, you'll eat now." Grabbing Jim's hands, he pulled the mildly resisting young man to his feet, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and steering him to the table before he could flop back into bed.

"Stop dragging me everywhere," Jim groused as he turned the chair backwards and settled down in it. "Beef stew?" Len nodded, grabbing a spoon and tucking in. He kept his eyes on Jim, however, who picked up his spoon and stirred his stew aimlessly.

"Jim, stop playing with your food." Jim frowned, and continued to stir slowly. "Please?" He whispered. "Darlin please... Please eat something... I'll get anything you want... You don't even have to eat it all... Just please eat something, anything... I can't sit and watch while you do this to your self... Please eat Jim..."

"Please don't make me... I... I don't want to... Please..."

"But Jim... Honey... You need to eat... I'm so worried..."

"I'm sorry... I tried... Really I did... Uhura gave me a cookie, she said she made them herself..." He trailed off. "I wanted to eat it... I'm so hungry, and it looked so good... But I just couldn't. I couldn't do it."

"What... What if I got to the kitchen? Would that help?"

"No... I... I don't want to be alone... It's worse when I'm alone... Please, please don't go..."

"Ok... Yeah."

"Please don't leave... Please?"

"I won't."

"Promise?"

"I'll be here forever. Promise."


	12. Chapter 12

Sorry it's been so long guys, I've been busy.

**Beverley Sharp: **Thanks!

Disclaimer : I don't own anything.

I'm sorry that this chapters short, I promise the next one will be longer. Enjoy!

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-0238-

"You still up? "

"Yeah, it's freezing in here."

"You need another blanket?"

"Yeah."

"It's gona be hotter then hell in here." He said slowly getting out of bed.

"I'm sorry. I don't really need it..."

"No, it's fine."

"Thank you." He whispers into his lovers ear as they settle back down.

-0712-

"Good mornin darlin."

"Morning."

"What do ya want for breakfast?"

"Do I have to?" He whispered as he slowly snaked his arms around McCoy's waist.

"I can make eggs, bacon, and waffles. We even still have some of the weird blue syrup from that star base." He said moving closer to his lover. "C'mon, I know you want some. You love that syrup."

"Yeah, I do."

"So c'mon, let's go make some waffles."

"I don't want to.

"You don't have to help cook then, I'll go make us some waffles."

"I can't have any waffles." He whispered.

"Then what do you want? You have to eat. I already let you get out of it last night, you need to have something, Jim. I can't watch you do this. I can't."

"I want to do it. I do. I want to eat."

"Then come have some waffles."

"I can't. You know I can't."

"I wish I could show you how amazing you are. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."

-1355-

A figure appeared in his doorway, standing with his back turned towards the med bay and his right side adjacent to the frame. He loomed there, not demanding attention, but simply waiting to be noticed. He gazed into his lover's office frantically, simply fidgeting with his hands and letting his eyes wonder the stark white room quickly.

The room was large and open, and the large desk in the middle of the room simply seemed to lurk there, simply daring people to touch it. It was shiny, and had padds simply stacked about with a scence of belonging. It was void of any personal items, save one, which was an old style picture frame holding two photos that sat on the edge of the desk. The larger of the two was of Joanna McCoy, aged five, with her pant legs rolled up, her hair in uneven pigtails, and a dirty looking shirt, smiling ear to ear while wadding in a small creek. The second, smaller photo that covered the lower left corner of the other was of Jim Kirk standing ramrod straight saluting the crowd in his bright red uniform right after making captain.

"Jim?"

"Hmm?"

"What do ya need darlin?"

"Just wanted to see you, that's all."

"You okay?"

"No."

"Come on in then." He said. Shakily, he moved from his position at the door, and took a seat. "What's wrong other than the obvious?" He said as the door closed behind Jim with a quiet swish.

"Obvious?" He said with a scowl.

"You're shakin like a wet cat in winter. You're either cold or you haven't ate anything while I was gone."

"Both. I couldn't tell if the shaking was bad yet."

"When was the last time you ate?"

"Breakfast on the 27th, but I think it came back up with lunch."

"Then you haven't had anything in days. You have to eat something Jim. Please, anything at all..."

"Yeah... Ok..." He said slowly trying to stand. "I'll-" He griped unto the edge of the desk, and then, with all the grace and elegance of a Klingon, fell to the floor, cold.

"Bring me a good damed mother-fucking bio bed!"

-1723-

He hasn't been this hungry in months.

He's laying once more, the hard press of a Starfleet Medical biobed pressing him up into the darkness.

He can hear Bones somewhere, though. He can feel him floating above and beside.

That's enough to hold on for.

He comes back to consciousness slowly, scanning the room for his lover. He finds him sitting next to him with two plates with apple slices and a pudding cup. Slowly he reaches out and grabs one of the plates, and slowly brings an apple slice to his lips. They eat in silence, simply content to be in each others company.

Bones looks down at his plate and back up to Jim's face, edges going soft as he says, "Just a little more, please Darlin? Try to get at least half of the pudding and fruit."

"Okay." He says picking out another slice. Bones has already finished, he realized. He slowly eats the rest of the apple, and opens the pudding. He spoons small bites into his mouth and looks sheepishly at Bones. He finishes slowly and sets the cup down.

"You did good darlin. All the fruit and pudding." He says with a small grin.

"I feel awful." He whispers.

"Need something for it?"

"No, it's not like that. I feel like an awful person for making everyone worry about me. I know they know, and I can tell it scares them."

"It's absolutely terrifying to watch you do this." He whispers. "It feels like you could die on me at any moment, and I feel like I can't help you."

"You do help me."

"How?"

"You make me feel better. You just... You make me feel like I'm not useless sometimes."

-1933-

"Stop touching it," Bones says, pulling Jim's hand away from the IV lead.

"It's stuck in me. It's in my arm. Technically, I'm already touching it. That gives me a right to continue to touch it." He replies, and simply because he can, he fiddles with it again.

"No, it's my medical equipment, and you're in my sickbay. The only rights you get are the ones I give you." Bones snaps back with no real heat, and gently pulls his hand away again.

Jim can't help the smile that stretches across his face; Bones is always great to mess with.

"Stop fiddling with it." Jim is pretty sure there are other places for Bones to sit and do charts other than at his bedside in sickbay, but it's not like he minds the company of his lover.

"Can't I take it out yet?" he asks after a minute, because Bones had almost made it through an entire chart uninterrupted, and he was far to restless to let that happen.

"No," Bones replies, without looking up.

"But I'll- "

"No."

"You didn't even let me finish," Jim objects.

"I don't have to darlin. It's not coming out until you eat a real good damed meal."

"But what about the pudding?"

"That's not a meal."

"But... But please?"

"No." He said moving a hand to hold one of Jim's. "If you try and eat dinner I'll think about taking it out."

So maybe Jim will let Bones win this round, and keep the damn thing in until he says it can go.

-2011-

"Jim, what's wrong?" Bones asks, worry in his voice when Jim closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath.

"Nothing," Jim murmurs. "At least nothing yet," he adds before moving closer to kisses his lover.

"Was it the pudding?"

"Yeah." He whispered.

"Do you want something for it?"

"No... Maybe... I don't know..."

* * *

Sorry if it sucked guys.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer : I own nothing.**

**Complicated-little-Jellie** : Yay!

**foxeeflame** : thanks! I'm really trying to make it supper angsty.

**commandoclowns** :aww, thanks. It's making me cry just writing it.

Thanks for reading, reviewing, and favoriting! Enjoy!

* * *

-2119-

McCoy lightly rubbed Jim's back with his free hand as his lover sits up and pulls his vomit-filled bucket closer to him, and retches a third time. All that comes up is stomach acid, and Leonard hands him a cool cloth for his forehead.

This is all he can do. This is the only way his lover has allowed him to help.

His hand aches where Jim's fingers are clenched tight in his other hand.

"Are you gona eat tonight?"

"No."

"Are you gona eat tomorrow?"

"No." Leonard squeezes Jim's hand and fights back the prickles heat of tears. He won't cry in front of him. He can't, it just feels too much like giving up.

"The day after?"

Jim's voice is soft and vulnerable in the dark. "I don't know."

-July 31st, 0257-

McCoy ran a rough finger over emaciated ribs, earning a shudder from Jim. He thumbed protruding collarbones, wishing with all his heart that his captain would just get well. In his mind of convoluted reasoning, he knew there was no such thing. Much blood and sweat would have to go into helping Jim get better. He wanted the torment of his sick lover to go away. It hurt so bad; so bad.

Jim's emotions boiled and bubbled as he slowly awoke. His lover's touch had shocked him back into a reality in which his flesh was deteriorating. Staring at his own skeleton showing through pale skin, he felt a fraction of the pain Bones was enduring. Maybe he should get better. Maybe he should eat. Maybe. He felt something wet glide down the ridge of his sternum and pool at the shallow depression at his solar plexus. And then it happened again, and again.

Bones was crying.

"Please Jim…."

He grimaced. This man cared so much about him. Guilt flooded his system. How could he cause so much pain? He wondered about how much his actions had hurt McCoy, and a tear slowly rolled down his face. Still, the thought of food sickened him. Bones was choking back his tears.

"Please... I love you... Please..."

Fuck the "maybe". He had to get better.

-0816-

Jim picks up his fork. He wants to eat it, he really does. He knows he's hungry and now he knows, knows, knows just what he's doing to himself. He isn't stupid. He has absolutely no desire to develop something like bradycardia or osteoporosis which would affect his job, or, even worse, something like organ failure which would see him laid up in a hospital bed, unable to do anything. He needs to be fit and healthy. He wants to be well again.

He takes a tentative bite. McCoy is watching him from under his eyelashes, trying not to show it. He chews. He chews and chews and chews. The food is still in his mouth.

'Swallow,' Bones says quietly. 'Come on, you can do it.'

"I can't, I can't, I can't. My throat won't work." Jim's head screams, he thinks his thoughts must show on his face because Bones's faces scrunches in concern.

'You can,' he says. His voice is kind but firm. 'And you know you've got to. Come on. Swallow.'

Jim manages it. He then realises he has chewed and swallowed without once tasting what he was eating. Although he knows it's not physically possible, he can practically feel the food travelling down in his stomach. He hates it. It's hateful, but what's more hateful is the fact that he hates it in the first place.

Its so weak. All that's ringing in his head is No, no, no, no. Your so weak.

'Have another mouthful,' Bones whispers. He hates himself for having to say it. He hates himself for provoking the look that flits across Jim's face.

'No, I can't.' He says, pushing his plate away. Bones opens his mouth to answer, but before he can get a word out, he's pulled his plate back towards him. "Don't let it get to you. You're better than this." He thinks as he eats another mouthful. This one goes down more easily. It's Weak, giving in like that. He shoves another forkful into his mouth. He swallows. The food catches in his throat and he almost chokes.

Bones watches him clear his plate. He is torn. On the one hand, Jim's just eaten an entire meal. On the other hand, his face while he did so horrifies Leonard. Horror, revulsion, conflict, self-loathing – nothing he saw there was good. And the worst thing of all? He has no idea what to do about it.


End file.
