To Govern Your Heart

Spock/Kirk

Warnings: slash of the Spork variety. Honestly, is there a better pairing???

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Try and sue and you shall receive NOTHING!!!!

Summary: Jim wasn't always as careless and attention-seeking as he is in the movie. There was a time, however brief, that he found something to be better for.

To Govern Your Heart

He was seventeen when he first fell in love. He had been at a bar, getting drunk and looking for trouble. He landed in California of all things, had never been there before. It was a beautiful place, all the more reason to whole himself up and get wasted. He'd only just begun to start drinking when she walked into the bar. She was nothing like his usual type, the kind that spread their legs easy and looked it. She was average height for a women, about 5"6-5"7. Long, pitch black hair curled down to her waist, and what a lovely waist it was, hour-glass figure and an innocent face. He was drawn to her; to the easy way she smiled at some of the men which he had guessed to be locals. She walked to the bar, then moved around and behind it. He had been somewhat shocked. This girl looked to be the type to go straight home from school, or maybe work at some nice little family place. Yet here she was, amongst the worst of society. Okay, so he might have exaggerated a bit but come on, a bar? He gulped his drink down and asked for another. As he'd expected, she came to him with a small smile asking what he would like.

Staring at her chest instead of her face he'd been prepare to say something charming, and stupid, before he looked in her eyes. He had stopped and stared, just stared at her like some dumbass kid with no experience what-so-ever. Sure he'd seen the shade before, a deep chocolate-like brown, but never that look in them. Her eyes held an innocence that seemed to belong in the eyes of a child who had been sheltered, yet there it was. What shook him all the more was the honesty and plain genuine-like aura of her. She was like the sun, he'd surmised, bright, hopeful, and innocent all the more. He had nothing to back that up, but he knew with a strange sort of certainty, that it was right. If her eyes had stopped him, it was her smile that rewired him. It was beautiful, care-free, and oh so kind. That smile, those eyes, she didn't belong in this dark and gloomy place. He felt the stirring of anger in his gut. Why was she here? He didn't know her, didn't even know her name, but he knew she didn't belong there. Not at all. She asked him again, "Is there something you'd like to drink?" her voice was sweet, pure. He was sure he'd never seen anyone like her, yet there he was making an idiot of himself. He had pulled on the mask and smiled charmingly and asked for tequila, straight up. She had looked at him with a small frown and a crinkle between her brows, almost as if she knew what he'd done. Walking away she returned with his drink and left him to serve those who came in. He simply watched her that night, pondering the reason she was there, working in that dark bar. He left sober and alone. He hadn't done so in a long time. When he came back the next day it was the same, at exactly 7:22 walked in for her shift. She asked him what he would like to drink and he ordered tequila. He watched her all night, staying sober, leaving alone.

For the next few days it became a ritual of sorts. It wasn't until the third week of his little ritual that he learned her name. Rosalie Vallen. She went to the local high school, straight A student with honors and advanced placement classes. She was the school heartthrob yet dated not a single guy that asked her out. She was deemed untouchable. Normally, that would have given him a greater incentive to her into his bed, but strangely all he wanted was to learn more. That he had stayed so long in place was prove enough he was out of it, but having been practically celibate since he'd first seen her felt strange, not wrong, just strange. Two days after he'd learned her name he actually talked to her. It was a Friday, late in October when she walked in early. He felt out of sorts that their, his, ritual had been disturbed. He'd been prepared to sulk, but only a little. He'd been so focused on the disturbance made to his day he almost missed her take a seat at his side. He looked up, startled blue to serene brown. He stared into those eyes again and lost himself. Now, you might call me an idiot at this point for not realizing I'd already fallen for her, fallen since the first time I laid eyes on her, but what can I say? I'm a man. That and I'd never been in love before. She introduced herself and when she asked for my name…I just kept staring. I felt like an idiot.

When I said nothing she made to leave, I held her elbow and asked her to stay. "My name is James, James Tiberus Kirk." She smiled and I lost myself again. We talked all night, when it was time to leave I asked if I could take her home. Realizing what it sounded like I stuttered like a fool digging myself deeper and deeper. I knew I was a ripe red by then. I thought I had lost my chance, if I'd ever had a chance. She only laughed and with a smile said, "Yes, you can walk me home." So I did. The next day she worked, but after her shift I walked her home again. We started to see each other during the day, going on pick nicks, to theme parks, the works. When I realized I was in love with her, I almost ran. The only thing that kept me from going was knowing she'd never take me back, that I'd lose her forever. I'd learn that she was capable of loving, of trusting a complete stranger completely. But I also knew that the trust she gave so easily was only given thus once. To gain her love, her trust and acceptance, I would struggle for the rest of my life.

I didn't want to spend the rest of my life gaining her love and trust back, maybe losing her all together; I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. At seventeen, nearly eighteen, it was a staggering thought, especially as I had been a playboy extraordinaire not so long ago. I felt my whole life had changed in an instant. When I looked into her eyes, even if I could not yet admit it to myself, I knew I loved her. I did love her, loved her like I'd never loved before. So I told her, I told her I loved her and asked her to honor me with her love, to be always by my side. The time it took her to answer seemed like an eternity, but it was only a minute. She was shocked, I couldn't blame her. I began to stand, to leave thinking she was trying to find a way to let me down easy. That was just the kind of person she was. When she flung herself at me and kissed me over and over saying yes in between I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. I wanted to do it as quick as possible, taking no chance she'd change her mind. She only laughed and patted my hand looking at me like I was crazy, but in an adorable way. She was catholic, not a zealous one, but Catholic nonetheless. That and she was going to do things right. I was going to have to ask her father for her hand.

I thought I was going to die when he looked at me. I was obviously not what he wanted for his little girl. Out of seven children she was the youngest, his favorite. And she was his proud, confident, sure to be successful Daddy's Little Girl. He was so screwed. Honestly, he had no future, her father, William, said. He would amount to nothing. What did she really know about Kirk? Everything. He'd told her everything, things he'd never even analyzed too closely himself, fearing what it could bring. He had shared all with her, had bared himself fully. She knew that, he knew that, her father didn't. She took him upstairs to his study, leaving him alone with her mother. She was as beautiful and kind as her daughter was. I had a feeling her mother looked very similar to Ros-to her daughter. As Anne pulled out the family albums, I found I was right. Anne and Ros-her, they looked almost identical, all but they eyes and bone structure. I was still talking to Anne and looking at the albums when she came back with her father. She winked at me and moved to stand behind her father. William looked at me and grudgingly gave his consent, looking none too happy about it.

And so the wedding preparations began.

It. Was. Hell. I never knew there were so many things involved with planning a wedding. It was a hectic three months. I thought about skipping out on inviting Sam and Mom, but she made me do it. God dam woman was stubborn as they came. I told her I didn't want them there, refused to talk to them, to invite them. You know what she did to convince me? She _smiled._ Smiled at me and cupped my face in her hands and said, "If that's what you really want." Only she wasn't giving it up, she was making me do it without making me do it. She was playing on my stubborn ass by using that triple combination of hers, smile, understanding, and those eyes. She could always get me to do what she wanted me to do with those eyes.

So I went back to Iowa. She came with me because I asked her to. She asked me if I wanted her to come with me to talk to Sam and to Mom. I wanted her there but I knew I would break down if she was there. She was the only one allowed to see me like that, the only one who could see me when I was weak. If she was there I would feel her, I would know that she would not judge me no matter what I said, no matter what I did. But I knew that Sam and Mom would. So I asked her to wait for me. She smiled and said, "Always."

I went to talk to them, back to where I spent the first few years of my life. When I knocked on that door and waited for an answer, I pondered on the changes in my life. I couldn't believe I was standing here for a woman, for _any_ reason really. But I was, and I couldn't regret meeting her, not for this, not for anything. When Sam opened the door he took one look at me and hugged me. _Hugged me_. I couldn't believe it. I was expecting him to beat me black and blue. Mom cried and hugged me too, only she didn't let go until she fainted from the shock of my getting married. Umm, about to get married that is. When I left I did so with assurances that they would both attend. When I arrived at the hotel, I fell into her arms. I fell into the comfort of what I thought was my forever. She held me as I marveled at my family's forgiveness. My brother and my mother. "Now you truly are complete," she said. I was confused by this. Still holding me in her arms she asked me to look at the mirror, so I did. I was smiling, but the smile I wore I had never seen before, I realized that no matter how much I denied it I needed them.

When the day finally came I felt numb. I felt that she was a dream, a sweet, beautiful dream that today would end. After all that I'd done, after all that I'd seen, I felt I didn't deserve her, that she was too good for me. _Any moment now, _I thought, _I'll wake up and this'll be just a dream._

As I freaked in a room somewhere in the church, it was the person I least expected, that calmed me down. William walked into the room, all massive 6"3 of him, dark hair combed perfectly and green eyes mocking. He took one look at me and snorted. " You'll never be good enough for my little girl. Never. But you make her happy, you make her better. She's never been this content, never. You've given her a light I've never been able to give her. And so help me God if you hurt her, you'll be begging for your death," he said. Then he patted me on the back slowly and smiled coldly at me. It was a sinister smile that melted into a warm smile as his wife entered. She looked gorgeous in green silk. She smile at me and led her husband out, somehow I knew she knew what her husband had done. All it took was that threat to make me realize this was no dream, this was reality.

As I stood at the altar, nervous beyond belief reciting my vows mentally, the music began. I waited as the insignificant people walked down the aisle before her. When she finally came to the entrance I forgot to breath. And angel had come down from heaven and was about to marry me. William handed her to me, giving me the customary greeting. As I took her in my arms I knew that there was no where I'd rather be. That day I took her as my wife and vowed to be hers and only hers forever.

I wish I had known forever would be cut short.

It was four and a half months after the wedding when she suddenly got the craving for ice cream, the real stuff. It was late, I should have known better. I knew better than anyone what lay in the shadows. But all I knew was that she wanted ice cream and who was I to deny her what she wanted? I suggested walking to the store, me. Everything was fine until we began to walk back home. She told me she was pregnant, that she was going to have my baby. Mine! I was delirious with happiness. But it was not meant to be. I wish I had done things differently, that I had the sense to keep my guard up.

We were ambushed by a gang. I told them to take what little money I had, and they did. They said it wasn't enough, so I offered the golden necklace I always wore. My fathers. As I did they saw my wedding band, and in turn, hers. They said I had something else to give. They took her. They held me down no matter how hard I fought. No matter how many I took down more kept coming. They made me watch as they took her, as they beat and raped her. I could do nothing. I watched her die… I watched them both die.

I woke in a hospital hoping it was all a dream. Mother and Sam were there, so were her parents and her siblings. They looked at me with pity and intense grief. I knew then it was not a nightmare, it was reality. I knew things were far too good to last. I broke down. I tried to get up, to hurt someone, to get my hands on something. I lashed out at who I could, at who was closest. I remember my hands around my brother's neck, remember as he lay still and let me do it. Then… nothing.

I lost myself in alcohol. I refused to see anyone. I listened to recordings of her voice all day. Looked at pictures of her. Of us. When I saw the picture of her, that last day we were together, I snapped. I hunted them down. Every single one of them. I killed them all, did to them what they did to her. I didn't rape them, only tortured them until they begged to die. I ignored their pleas. I ignored the part of me that had flourished with her. I stamped her voice down mercilessly as I killed her killers.

Once I was done I went back to looking for trouble and getting wasted. I started moving around and searching for a reason to live. I would never take my own life, there was no honor in that. So I made do with what I could, I sought death at every turn. I craved it.

It was all I wanted.

Then I ended up at the bar where I met Uhura. From there came Pike and then I joined Starfleet. It was none of the bullshit Pike was selling. It was her memory that finally prompted me to do something with my life. I hadn't looked at anything of hers since her death. That night I saw her picture, she was smiling and looking at the camera with that look in her eyes. The one that always brought me to my knees. I felt ashamed. She treasured life; she valued life more than anything in the world. Well, except maybe love.

When I thought of her, truly thought of her, I regretted the things I did since then. I decided to do something about it. That's why I joined Starfleet. That's why I'm here. I protect others as they cannot protect themselves. Just like her. Just like my baby.

Captain James T. Kirk looked at his commanding officers, his crew. He looked at them impassively and with no real emotion. "Does that satisfy your curiosity, Lieutenant Uhura?" He asked. She looked down with tears in her eyes, nodding at him. "Commander Spock, you have the conn." He said and walked out of the bridge. The crew of _The Enterprise_ remained silent and pondering their Captain's words. Uhura closed the Captain's personal file, wishing she'd never asked why his file said Married in the status slot.

End Chapter 1

So umm yea. That piece was really bugging me since I dreamt of it a while ago. It was just begging to be written, not posted. My sister has since convinced me otherwise and so I share with you this strange seemingly random piece. Anyways this is going to be a Spock/Kirk relationship. Slash and all that jazzJ.

Hope you guys enjoyed this piece, even if it is confusing. Just know that this will be the basis of the whole fic. This fic shouldn't be too long, sort of like longish chapters that will lead to a Spock/Kirk relationship. Thank You.

CriesOfTheFallen

Ps. Reviews are awesome. Constructive criticism is good. And flames are stupid and pointless…especially from people who don't have the balls to put it down with their account/username and those who don't have the courage to post up their work and take a chance. That said, thanks again for reading and I truly hope you enjoy it!


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