Batman Begins/Dark Knight 1. Chapter 1

A/N: Here's the new story! Hope you enjoy. **Be sure to read the closing author's note!**

Disclaimer: I don't own Batman, but I own Heather and...well...me. I also don't own SpongeBob SquarePants.

Chapter 1

(Theme song starts playing and a woman with blonde hair walks out onto the stage and sits. There are several other chairs sitting in a semi-circle with hers, but they're empty. She motions for the audience to stop clapping.)

Woman: Welcome to _The Dark Reality_! I'm your host Heather. Just so everybody knows what this is about, we'll take our stars and put them in one small, cramped apartment in Gotham and they'll have to live there for a few weeks! Now, lets bring out the stars of our show and get to know them before we abandon them- I mean, take them to their new home! Come on out, guys!

(Audience claps and cheers as Batman, Alfred, Harvey, the Joker, Rachel, and Jonathan Crane walk out onto the stage and sit down)

Heather: Hey, guys, how are you?

Batman: Nervous.

Crane: You're nervous already? I think this show will be too stressful for you…

Alfred: I think he means he's nervous because he saw the other show these same producers made.

Rachel: You mean _Ask a Pirate_? Yeah, that one was scary.

Heather: Oh, that reminds me! Please welcome the referee of this new show: Angel's Star!

Cast: Nooooo!!!

Angel: That's not nice! (walks out onto the stage and sits down) Wait, I'm the referee?

Heather: Yeah, the producers couldn't send these guys to live by themselves, so they needed a referee and you happened to be available.

Angel: Didn't they watch my show?! I was the one telling everybody to pick on Elizabeth!

(Heather shrugs)

Harvey: Apparently not.

Angel: (mumbling and giving Heather a death glare) I should be the hostess…

Heather: (easing away) Should I tell you all the rules now or do you want to find out later?

Joker: You people know I hate rules.

Batman: Better tell us now.

Heather: Ok. You'll all be living together in an apartment. You can't rent an additional room or a go to a bigger hotel either. (eyeing Batman) You can leave, but where one goes, everyone has to go. I'll be checking in on you on occasion and also giving you a call to tell you what to do if a fan has a good idea.

Rachel: I'm not sure I want to do this…

Angel: Too bad! We all got suckered into contracts! I even got caught in my own loophole.

Crane: They didn't make the Joker and me sign a contract.

Joker: Nope. We just came in and demanded to be on it so we could bug the Batman!

Batman: Yay?

Harvey: I never saw you as the kind of guy who says 'Yay'.

Batman: And I never saw you as being a half-normal human being, so we're even!

Harvey: I find that insulting! (turns the burned half of his face away from Batman)

Heather: Well, I can see you're all going to have fun! Here's the key to your car! No, Joker, you can't have it. We already told you you can't have any sharp objects.

Rachel: I didn't think keys were sharp…

Joker: You haven't seen what I can do with them…

(Nobody seems surprised)

Angel: (taking the key) I'll hold onto this.

Alfred: So, let me get this straight. We all have to live in a cramped apartment for a few weeks and _she_ is supposedly the voice of reason? (points to Angel's Star)

Angel: I can always tell who watched my other show.

Heather: (shrugs) Hey, might as well not complain. You've got to do it anyway.

Batman: (hopefully) So do we get to ride in that limo I saw out front?

Heather: Nope! You ride in the van!

Rachel: But-but it's old and dirty!

Heather: If we gave you a nice car, next thing we know, you'd want a nice apartment.

Crane: What exactly _is_ this apartment like?

Heather: I can't tell you until you sign these papers saying you and the Joker can handle the truth. (hands them some papers and they sign it and hand it back) Ok! It's got one bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathroom and it's in downtown Gotham.

Crane: On second thought, I'll pass up this chance to annoy Batsy and wait. Good luck to you, though, Joker!

(The Joker shrugs)

Heather: Nope, you can't leave.

Crane: Why not?

Heather: Because you both just signed contracts. Now you _have_ to do the show!

Crane: (falls to his knees) NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

(The rest of the cast snickers)

Angel: She's almost better than me at getting people suckered into signing contracts!

Heather: Er…thanks? You guys better get going. Have fun and don't kill each other!

Joker: Aww, what's the fun in that?

Crane: No! No, you can't take me!! I want to live! (tries to crawl away, but Batman and Harvey grab him and drag him along)

Batman: If I've got to live with the Joker and the insane used-to-be hostess, you do too!

Angel: I resent that!

Rachel: Did you ever watch re-runs of your show?

Angel: No.

Rachel: I thought not.

(They all walk out front and get in the van. Since Angel's Star has the keys, she drives them there. After a couple hours of driving, everyone is getting really bored)

Joker: Are we there yet?

Crane: (sulking in the back seat) Have we stopped yet?

Joker: (turns around) Listen, Johnny-boy, I've got a story to tell you. It's about where I got my scars.

Everybody else: NO!

Joker: (turns back around in his seat) Fine. But it was a good one.

Rachel: Angel, do you even know where you're going?

Angel: No.

Harvey: Then why the heck are you driving?!

Angel: She gave me the keys, remember?!

Alfred: I have to wonder, why didn't you just say you didn't know where the apartment was?

Angel: I didn't say I didn't know where it was. I said I don't know where I'm going. I know where the apartment is, but I don't know how to get there.

Joker: That sounds strangely like something I'd say.

Batman: (suddenly points out the window on the other side of the van and accidentally smacks Crane in the face) There it is!

(Angel slams on the brakes in the middle of the street)

Alfred: (frantically) Where?

Batman: (crawls over Crane to get to the window and pushes his finger on it) Right THERE! See the sign that says 'Welcome cast of _The Dark Reality_'?

Crane: (trying to push Batman off) I don't think my contract said anything about this!

Harvey: By some miracle we actually made it!

Angel: Hurray! Now to find parking…

(After driving around for a few more minutes, they finally locate a parking lot behind the hotel. They all get out and grab their stuff and head inside)

Angel: (to the woman behind the desk) Hi, we're the cast of _The Dark Reality_. I think you guys have a room for us.

Woman: Do I look like a guy?

Joker: Do you want me to answer that?

(Crane tries not to laugh)

Batman: Excuse him. He has no manners.

Joker: Did you not hear me say 'Good evening, ladies and gentlemen' when I crashed Bruce Wayne's party?

Batman: I, uh, must've missed that.

Angel: Hush! (motions them away. They take a couple steps back.) Lady, do you have a key for us or not?

Woman: (gives an exasperated sigh and hands her the key) There you go. It's already been paid for. Just don't trash the room.

(Angel takes the key and they start loading into the elevator, but there's no room for Rachel because of all the luggage)

Rachel: What am I supposed to do?

Crane: (pointing to the stairwell) Exercise is good for you.

Rachel: But-but-

Joker: Enough buts! Get moving! (pushes the button and the elevator doors close)

Harvey: (completely horrified) Neither of you know how to treat a lady!

Joker: Yeah, we do. Make her walk up the stairs.

Angel: I'm glad I've got the key.

Alfred: There's something I have to tell you, Master Wayne…

Batman: Yeah?

Alfred: Elevators make me sick.

(Everyone starts pounding on the buttons to get the doors to open. Finally, the elevator comes to a stop and they kick Alfred out)

Crane: Like I said, exercise is good for you!

Batman: Say hi to Rachel for me!

(The doors close again and they start going up to the top)

Batman: I love penthouse suites.

Harvey: Too bad this is no suite.

Joker: Out of curiosity, Batty, do you sleep upside down?

Batman: (hesitating) I, uh, refuse to disclose that information at this time.

Crane: If you do, I'm afraid you'd be taking this whole 'bat' persona a little too far…Not like you don't already. (eyes his costume)

Batman: So says the man who thinks he's a scarecrow.

Crane: (gasps) That was supposed to be a secret!

Angel: Did anybody realize I'm locked up a confined area with four men who have alter-egos? Most of them being villainous…

Joker: (ignoring her) It hasn't been a secret since it made front page news.

Crane: It made front page news?

Joker: (nods) And that leads to another interesting question. Can scarecrows actually taste their food?

(The elevator doors open and they all grab their stuff and get out)

Harvey: That _would_ be an interesting question if he were really a scarecrow.

Batman: Just like his other question would be interesting if I was really a bat.

Joker: If you were really a bat, I would already know the answer.

Angel: Are you guys going to stand there and chat all day or do you want to see the apartment?

(They look over and notice she's already started down the hall. They pick up their stuff and follow. When they get to the door, Angel unlocks it and they walk in. There are a couple couches and a coffee table in front of a TV in the living room. A hall to the left leads to the kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom.)

Harvey: She wasn't lying when she said it's small.

Crane: It barely looks big enough to fit us, but with Alfred and Rachel…

Batman: (hyperventilating) I've got to get out of here!!

(Angel's Star slaps him)

Angel: Quit overreacting! Just because it's not nearly as big as you're used to-

Crane: I wonder how many beds there are? (wanders off to go see)

Harvey: Hopefully enough for all of us to have one.

Joker: If not, I have no problem making you sleep on the floor.

Angel: (sarcastically) Wow, guys, thanks for listening.

Crane: (shouting from the other room) There's only two! I call dibs on one!

Batman: Dibs? Those are so childish…

Joker: I call the other!

Harvey: And you were saying?

Angel: No one calls dibs! We'll draw names from a hat later to decide.

Joker: That's not fair.

Batman: And calling dibs is?

Crane: (comes back in) Yeah, everyone has a chance to call it so it's fair.

Harvey: You guys are all idiots.

Joker: I'd be careful who I say that to, if I were you.

(Suddenly there's a knock on the door. Angel's Star opens it to see Rachel with Alfred riding on her back)

Crane: You two must've been flying up those stairs!

Alfred: (getting down) We weren't until I climbed on her back and forced her to run.

(Rachel passes out)

Batman: (drops to his knees) RACHEL!!!

Harvey: She's not dead, you know.

Batman: She's not?

Joker: Not yet.

(Batman looks horrified)

Angel: (suddenly back) I'm back!

Crane: You left?

Angel: Yes, I got a hat from Alfred's bags and wrote our names on pieces of paper. Now we can decide who gets the beds!

Alfred: Please have pity on the old man…

Batman: What about Rachel?

Angel: She's here!

Harvey: But she can't hear.

Joker: DRAW THE NAMES ALREADY!

Angel: (wide eyed) Someone's anxious. (pulls out a piece and reads it) All right, the first name is Rachel!

Batman: Too bad she's not awake to hear it.

Rachel: I'm up! (suddenly jumps up)

Angel: Uh huh… (pulls out another piece of paper) The second name is Angel!

Harvey: I demand a redraw!

Crane: But…but…I called dibs!

Batman: (drops to his knees and grabs the bottom of Angel's shirt) Please redraw!! You can't leave me out here with…_them_! (points to the villains)

Joker: You should've thought of that _before_ you dressed up as a bat and beat up the mob!

Angel: (to Batman) He has a point.

Batman: (stands and accidentally knocks the hat out of her hands and sees all of the names are Rachel and Angel) It's rigged!!

Harvey: Now I _really_ demand a redraw!

Angel: Guys! It would only make sense for us girls to get the beds. After all, there's only two of us. Besides, I'm not willing to sleep out here where someone like Crane might take advantage of me.

Rachel: Me neither.

Crane: I resent that!

Alfred: But on your show, Angel, you _wanted_ Jack Sparrow to-

Angel: That's because I was his fangirl!

(Everyone gets really quiet)

Harvey: Did you say you _were_ his fangirl?

Angel: Yes.

Batman: (nervously) Then…whose fangirl are you now?

Angel: Do you really want to know?

Crane: Well, they say ignorance is bliss…

Angel: I'm telling you anyway! I am… (dramatic pause) the Joker's fangirl!

Joker: Uh…lucky me?

(All the other men exhale in relief)

Alfred: I have to wonder why the Joker of all people?

Angel: Never underestimate the sexiness of a psychotic killer.

Rachel: That was awkward.

Joker: Remind me never to get in an enclosed space with her when I don't have a knife. (wanders off to see what's in the fridge)

Batman: I, for one, find this insulting.

Crane: I thought you were relieved.

Batman: I was. Now I'm insulted.

Angel: Are you PMSing?

Batman: No! I just find it insulting that the protector of Gotham isn't good enough to earn the love of a crazy fangirl!

Angel: (shrugs) What can I say? I love bad guys.

Harvey: I'm glad I'm not that bad.

Crane: Me too. (sits down on the couch and turns on the TV)

Harvey: Oh! That was SpongeBob!

(Everyone gives him a weird look)

Joker: (coming back in with a sandwich) I didn't warp his brain that much.

Batman: And I thought he was a threat.

Harvey: Sing it with me, you guys! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Angel: SpongeBob SquarePants!

Alfred: It's going to be a long few weeks.

Rachel: You're telling me… (grabs her suitcases and goes to the bedroom)

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A/N: There you are! Now, here's how this thing works. You submit an idea (it doesn't have to be complicated. It could just be that they order pizza!) and I'll go through and pick my favorite one (or ones) and use it in the next chapter. Please don't get mad if I don't use your idea! Just know that you can always send in a new idea if you want.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for the reviews and suggestions, guys! Here's the next chapter!

Disclaimer: I don't own Batman or some of these ideas. Credit will be given in the closing author's note so as not to ruin any surprises.

Chapter 2

(That night...)

Batman: I'm starving!

Crane: Does it look like I care?

Batman: (insulted) I wasn't talking to you.

Crane: Fine. Anyone who cares if Batsy's starving, raise your hand!

(No one raises their hand)

Batman: (looking hurt) Not ever you, Alfred?

Alfred: I'm sorry. Not this time, Master Wayne. I've got problems of my own… (points to Angel)

Angel: I'm not even doing anything!

Alfred: I know. That's when you scare me the most.

Harvey: Me too. Even though you watched SpongeBob with me.

Angel: You guys are too suspicious.

Batman: Ahem! Superhero is starving here!

Rachel: It won't kill you to go get something, you know.

Joker: But I will if you don't.

Batman: I'm going! (jumps up and heads to the kitchen)

Harvey: Hey, while you're in there, bring the rest of us something to eat!

Batman: I'm not Alfred!

Alfred: That sounded insulting.

Angel: I'm sure he meant it in the nicest way possible.

Batman: (calling from the kitchen) Um…what does the fridge look like?

Crane: Is he being serious?

Joker: I never am.

Harvey: He wasn't talking to you.

Rachel: Shut up, guys! (calls to Batman) It's the tall box thing that sits against the wall.

Batman: Found it! But there's only cold cuts and cheese in it!

Angel: We'll have to go shopping later, you guys.

Joker: Not with you!

Angel: Where you guys go, I go!

(Alfred faints)

Joker: Hey, Bats, Angel killed your butler!

Batman: (suddenly back and kneeling by Alfred's side) Why? Why?! I thought _they_ were the only ones I had to worry about leaving Alfred with! But _you're_ the one I have to worry about!

Crane: I thought we all knew that already.

Angel: I've been framed, I tell you!

(Alfred starts coming to)

Harvey: (screaming) IT'S A ZOMBIE!!!

Rachel: (throws a shoe at his head) I can't believe you just said that.

Angel: Good thing I wasn't going to vote for him for DA.

Batman: Now that I know Alfred's still alive, I'm hungry again! I'm going to make myself a sandwich!

Joker: Remember to make us all one!

Rachel: I better go help. He couldn't find the fridge so I'm pretty sure he can't make several sandwiches. (leaves)

Harvey: I better go supervise! (leaves too)

(Several minutes later, they come back with sandwiches and drinks)

Batman: Hey, guys, there was a thing of Mountain Dew in there!

Angel: I love Mountain Dew!

Rachel: But Harvey drank most of it while he was waiting.

Joker: That was mine! I was going to pull an all-nighter with that!

Crane: How did you even get it in here before you knew were we'd stay?

Joker:…Don't question me…

Angel: (sighs dreamily) Wasn't that romantic?

Joker: (pushes her off the couch) You're acting like a fangirl again!

Batman: Are you guys done yet?

Crane: Probably not.

Batman: Well tough. (passes out sandwiches while Rachel passes out drinks) It's ham and cheese and lemonade.

Harvey: (grinning weirdly) That was good Mountain Dew…

Joker: Hey, this lemonade was mine too! Quit stealing my drinks!

Batman: If you picked a better place to hide them other than, oh say, the refrigerator we probably wouldn't have found them!

Joker: They wouldn't stay cold stashed under the couch!

Alfred: He has a point…

Batman: Whose side are you on?!

Harvey: (trembling slightly) Mountain Dew! I like Mountain Dew…

(Everyone stops what they're doing and watches Harvey. He looks at all of them and laughs insanely)

Joker: (to Crane) And you thought I was crazy.

Harvey: Ohmigosh, you guys, lets stay up all night and watch scary movies!

Crane: Um…why?

Harvey: Because it's a sleepover, silly-willy! And Rachel and Angel, you two can give each other makeovers! Except your hair. I want to do your hair.

Rachel: Um, Harvey, are you ok?

Angel: (crying and holding her hair) I don't want to be bald!

Harvey: I've never been better! (twitches) And after the movies and makeovers, we'll tell stories! Oh! Joker, you have to tell us how you really got those scars.

Joker: If I told you, I'd have to kill you… But I'm considering doing it now.

Harvey: (laughing) And Batman, you have to take off your mask so we know who you really are!

Batman: You _are_ insane!

Joker: I like the sound of that idea.

Batman: You would.

Alfred: Angel, you're the referee! Why don't you do something about this?

Angel: Look, Alfred, the producers were high or something when they made me the ref.

Crane: I like to think you're here more for comedic value.

Rachel: Um, back to the problem at hand!

Joker: I can fix this! Come over here by the window, Harvey.

Harvey: (grinning and laughing) Ok! (walks over)

Joker: See how far down the ground is?

Harvey: (leaning out the window) Uh-huh.

Joker: Now tell me how long it takes until you hit the bottom! (pushes Harvey out the window and laughs)

Batman: You would do that to a hyperactive man who didn't know what he was doing? Oh wait. Never mind.

Crane: Is this like _Survivor_? If so, I say we vote Rachel off next.

Angel: I second that!

Rachel: Hold on! Why not vote Angel off?

Alfred: Even though she's annoying, she keeps things here interesting.

Angel: Aw, Alfred, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me!

Joker: Eh…I'm tired of this mushy stuff. I'm going to get some Mountain Dew. (leaves)

Crane: I thought Harvey drank all of it.

Joker: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?

Batman: Oh! Bring me some! (jumps up and down excitedly)

Angel: You know he won't.

Rachel: (insulted and sitting in a corner)

Crane: Race you to the kitchen.

(They run down the hall and into the kitchen.)

Alfred: (suddenly goes crazy) Give us the Mountain Dew! (jumps on the Joker)

Joker: (falls) What the heck have you been smoking?!

Alfred: Nothing!

Batman: (dramatically) I…have nothing to say to this.

Crane: (grabs cups and sets them on counter) Start pouring, old English man!

Alfred: This is for the Queen! (pours some in all the cups)

Joker: You guys are acting like you've already drank a gallon…

Crane and Angel: Chug, chug, chug!

(Alfred chugs all the Mountain Dew in his cup)

Batman: (dramatically) I am…impressed.

Joker: Shut up and drink some already. (forces Batman to hold a cup of soda)

(Batman cautiously sniffs it and looks around to see everyone else drinking some too)

Angel: Oh come on! All the cool people are doing it!

Batman: I'm Batman! I. Must. Be. COOL! (chugs drink)

(Several cups of Mountain Dew later…)

Rachel: (walks into the kitchen) Ok, I've decided to forgive-

Batman: (suddenly glomps her and jerks her back out into the hall) (whispering) Don't let them see you!

Rachel: Who?

Batman: (glancing over his shoulder) The mole-people.

Rachel: You've been drinking Mountain Dew, haven't you? You know what caffeine does to you!

Batman: (suddenly starts crying) I just wanted to fit in!!

(Rachel walks into the kitchen to see Angel, Crane, and the Joker holding out their arms and standing at the base of the refrigerator. Alfred's sitting on top of it)

Crane, Joker, Angel: Jump, jump, jump!

Rachel: No, don't jump!

(While she's trying to stop Alfred, Harvey stumbles in the door and is all covered in garbage)

Harvey: (yelling) You guys are so lucky that there was a garbage truck out there to catch me!

(Harvey goes into the bathroom to clean himself up, but stops in the doorway and screams. Everyone else in the kitchen goes silent and looks towards that general direction)

Rachel: Was that…Harvey?

Joker: Harvey, did you just pee in your pants…again?

Harvey: I never peed in my pants, but you guys have to get in here NOW!

Joker: I'm pretty sure I don't want to see whatever it is he wants us to see…

Alfred: I'm going to jump!

Harvey: Guys!

Angel: We're coming! We're coming!

(All walk out of the kitchen just as Alfred jumps)

Alfred: Ouch…

(They walk into the bathroom to see Harvey staring into the bathtub)

Harvey: There! See for yourself!

(They look and see what appears to be a slimy mud ball with random twigs and other trash sticking out of it staring up at them)

Crane: OH MY GOSH!! (screams like a girl and runs from the room)

Joker: Well, we know his biggest fear… I could use this later…

Angel: (blinks) So, uh, is this a friend of yours, Harv?

Harvey: No! Do I look like I associate with sewer monsters? Wait, don't answer that.

Batman: What _is _it?

Rachel: I'm…not sure…

Joker: I say we feed the old man to it and see if it's carnivorous!

Batman: Never!!

Sewer monster: (roars)

Batman: (screams and hides behind Rachel)

Angel: It's kind of cute in a scary/disgusting kind of way… (throws a roll of toilet paper at it and it eats it)

Joker: Lets throw Harvey at it!

Harvey: Nuh-uh! No way! Lets throw you instead! The world would be a safer place.

Angel: Never!! (tackles Harvey)

Joker: (snickers) I could get her to do anything!

Harvey: Ew, the floor is nasty! Let me up!

Angel: So it is… (gets up and looks at the dirty toilet and sink) We'll get Alfred to clean in here later.

Batman: Uh, back to the problem at hand! (points at sewer monster who snaps at his finger)

Angel: Lets name it!

Rachel: Name it? Lets kill it!

Joker: (sighs) If only I had a bazooka…

Batman: Then you'd kill the rest of us.

Joker: I don't see the problem.

Angel: I'll name it Bob! (waves) Hey, Bob!

Bob: (screeches)

Harvey: It doesn't like you.

Batman: Who does?

Crane: (peeks in) Is it gone yet?

Rachel: No, we can't figure out how to get rid of it.

Alfred: (limping in) Don't worry about me, Master Wayne. I popped my hip back into place on my own.

Batman: Look, Alfred! (points dramatically at Bob)

Bob: (shifts around so it's not facing them)

Alfred: That's disgusting.

Angel: Hush! You'll hurt his feelings!

Joker: Look, if we go by a little, uh, "store" I know tomorrow, I can take care of this problem.

Rachel: Sounds good to me.

Harvey: I second that motion.

Crane: How do you know that thing won't eat me during the night?

Alfred: We can always shut the door and lock it. It can't get out, right?

Batman: But if it doesn't have bones or organs it could always creep under the door and… (shudders) Joker, where's that store?

Joker: I'm not telling _you_! When we go, I'll have to drive and the rest of you will be blindfolded. Besides…it's probably not open for the night yet.

Angel: (sarcastically) Sounds like a reputable place.

Harvey: Spell reputable.

Angel: Um…I wonder if Bob likes Mountain Dew?

Joker: No, you're not giving it any of my stuff!

Alfred: (looking around) Why is it so dirty in here? (turns on the sink's faucet and the pipes rattle and groan)

Crane: Because that _thing_ lives in here. (points to Bob from the door)

Rachel: (looks at Harvey) You're not staying here if you smell like that.

Harvey: What do you expect me to do?! I can't take a shower with that thing! It'll eat me!

Angel: You guys are hurting his feelings!

Batman: It's a pile of mud with eyes! It has no feelings!

Alfred: I hope you all know I'm not cleaning this…

Joker: No, but Harvey will since he's the first one to have to use this room. (snickers)

Harvey: Oh no, I won't!

Batman: Have fun!

Crane: Don't let it eat you!

(They leave)

Harvey: Guys! (gulps and looks at Bob)

Bob: (screeches)

Harvey: Oh boy…

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A/N: There you go! Now to give credit to the people who submitted ideas:

The Mountain Dew idea was from Alix-Jesusfreak and the horrible/scary bathroom idea was from catincanada! If anyone has any ideas for the next chapter, let me know!


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Batman Begins/Dark Knight, Humor