Thor Loki's Lament

Hello dear readers! This is my first fanfic (please bare with my tenses because I didn't write this in my mother tongue ^^) This is a Loki-fic (slight AU) Don't forget to R&amp;R!

* * *

Certainly everyone knows I am the God of mischief; destruction and chaos tails me wherever I go. But even this mischievous being gets tired of all that. What you mewling quim do not know is that, technically, I do not loath the earth. It is you, fragile lives who seeks us gods when you are troubled, a deity so powerful that could blow away all of your troubles! Why Odin Allfather decides to be your defender I have no thoughts for that. The sound of him being your defender repulses me. You humans have done nothing in his favour and yet he chose to protect you! Whilst I, Loki, his once son, trying to ease his burdens proven mad driven and wronged! I will one day conquer the earth and you pathetic creatures shall kneel before me.

* * *

These humans do an amazing job rebuilding my mess. I ponder upon the very heart of New York in a brilliant disguise of the old croon who stood up to me when all I did was making them kneel, to me, a deity. It is a pain though wearing this disguise so fragile and so useless. None the less these quims will not know what is heading towards them. Rebuild all you want for everything will fall in my hands once more.

"LOOK OUT DOWN THERE! THE BEAM IS ABOUT TO FALL!"

I hear that of course. Deaf I am not you see but really, do they think I could not evade that? Do they think that I, Loki, would let that thing touch me? A thick metal beam—

* * *

A thick metal beam.

This is beyond humiliation. This is utterly outrageous. Loki, the God of mischief being beaten, knocked out by a mere mortal rod! Hulk did put me out and that could've been more embarrassing than this. Here I am, the deceitful Loki, lying flat on my back on a mortal hospital bed simply staring at the ceiling. I wonder if any of these bafoons has contacted their superiors that Loki, the cause of their near demise is in town. But none of them seem alert.

"Good day Mr. John Doe"

A man, whom I assume is the doctor, stands beside me. I feel small and weak being look upon like this and no one is ever going to see Loki like this. But being the rational me I simply stay quiet. I am sure Heimdall is enjoying his time watching me like this.

"Your body has had a massive shock. Normally an individual could die almost immediately but not you sir. I am here to inform that your motor skill is still not functioning normally"

Only after what he has said that I realize I could not move.

"What have you done to me?! Do you know who I am?!"

I am enraged! No! I am beyond enraged! This humiliation will cause a total annihilation of the likes of him!

"You were directly under the iron beam sir and I must say we expect you to be dead but here you are alive and yelling" he says. "Are you experiencing any headaches? Blurry visions?"

"No and NO! Don't you know who I am?!" I yell.

"No I don't. Might have to put you under a brain scan sir"

"I AM LO—"They really don't recognize me. "I am Louie. Louie Edler"

With that he leaves me to rest. Of course. They didn't see me in action during the invasion. All they saw were a swarm of invading and attacking aliens; the pathetic army I brought upon. Pathetic me.

Nobody saw me leading the army.

Pathetic.

* * *

By the fourth day I can finally walk and of course feeling ridiculously human for no reason. I am being taken care by humans here; both young and old, male and female and others I could not put any words on. I must say world domination would not be easy. I might just spare a number of them.

I head up the building's roof planning my escape. I don't want to alert S.H.I.E.L.D when the Bifrost is being unleashed. I need a clean gateway home—not that I admit Asgard is my home. That aside, the stars tonight is beckoning; scattered across the night sky, everywhere, almost as if I am in Asgard. I could almost see mother—Frigga—in the night sky.

"Beautiful night isn't it?" says a red head mortal woman standing a few feet to my right.

"I have seen better" I reply. I notice a very peculiar item she is holding. "What are those?"

"What? This?" she gestures at the object.

As if it is not obvious enough. Of course I was asking about that bloody thing!

"I was supposed to help someone with his haircut" she says.

"Where is this person?"

"He's dead. A while ago in fact. A nurse told me" she speaks of death nonchalantly. Not that I care.

"Has he no meaning to you? When you said 'he's dead' you sound rather carefree" I ask.

"Not really" She shrugs. "He's my neighbor. He was two rooms away from me" she answers.

I turn my gaze again on the peculiar object. I caught her staring at me.

"I really don't know what that thing is called" I say

"What?! Get out!" she sounds perplexed. "Did you hit your head or something?"

"As the matter of fact I did" I then show her the bald spot on my head. Apparently I needed stitching. My wound didn't heal fast enough. Seriously though, such instrument does not exist in Asgard.

"Ouch" she says. "Do you want me to cut your hair? The auburn mortal asks. "You know to make the bald spot less obvious"

I, Loki, accepts the offer. Apparently I learn that the instrument is called scissors. "We don't cut our hair back where I am from" I say trying to engage an earthly conversation but only to be replied by the snipping of my black locks.

Sitting serenely now, here; am I wrong? Am I wrong to have such perception on these mewling creatures? As my eyes stare up upon the scattered stars the more similar my thoughts has become. Both scattered and lost.

"You know I heard one hell of a rumor from the nurses a few days back", she says suddenly breaking me away from my unfathomed thoughts. "An old man was seen being struck by a fallen metal beam but here is the interesting part…"

"What?" Interesting indeed. I can't help but know the ending to this tale.

"They found a young man instead" I knew it. She continues, "That man doesn't happen to be you isn't he?" she stops snipping my hair.

I stay quiet and look blankly at her. Nobody has ever seen me through me façade. "That is one hell of a rumor indeed" I say.

We turn silent again.

"I wish I could say goodbye" she starts again.

"To who?"

"That neighbor of mine, Owen. He was a great man. A great father too. I couldn't face his children so I hid up here"

Honestly, I still have that feeling when mother—Frigga—died. I wish I was there but then I realize her death is entirely my fault. "Just send your thoughts to the stars. Owen will be there" I tell her.

She laughs. "You don't actually believe that do you? Those are child's beliefs!"

"No it is not" I insist.

She nods once noticing that I am being serious (which is not entirely true). "Okay…" she says. "You almost sound like you're in some kind of a cult or something"

Believe it or not I found myself drawn to this creature's bluntness. We only just met and only in a few minutes she already throws assumption on who might you be!

"If you must know, I am not from any cult or any other odd human gatherings that may or may not exist in this entire galaxy"

"Wooooo" she says. "That is one heck of a speech. Point taken—what's your name?"

"Louie"

"Point taken Louie"

* * *

"Those nurses like my new hairdo. Thank you!" I call out as I meet up with her again. This is our second encounter but this time she is lying flat on her back staring at the starry Midgard night sky. I wonder what is going through that thoughtless head of hers.

"You are very welcome!" she gives a thumb up. "Come! Sit next to me Louie!"

Again I succumb to her commands. I sit next to her hugging my knees to my chest while she lays on the hard concrete.

"So, where are you from?" I ask.

"Nowhere" she replies simply.

I admit her reply did take me off guard. "Well that makes two of us" I say. There is just something about her that drives me to know more. I, Loki, does not care for this creature. I am simply a curious being.

"Oh!" she sits up eagerly. "You wanna tell your story? We can share our stories!"

I tittered. "Look, I don't know you. Thanks for the hair really, manage to swoon a couple of nurses but just spare me this story telling session"

"Aww Louie…" she pouts momentarily. "I'll go first!"

"As you know before, I am from nowhere. I am an orphan you see, thrown into the foster system a couple of times" she then flips her long auburn hair to one side and now she is facing me. "My foster families hated me. No thanks to my mouth" she smiles. Makes sense really. "I stayed at the orphanage but thanks to my brain I manage to graduate with flying colors and landed myself a job in Starks Industries. The best time in my entire life"

Gibberish talk is all I could hear. Stark this, Stark that, alien invasion, saw a flying man with horns… wait, what?

"I saw a man in gold and green passing by the windows. It wasn't until his tailing army destroyed all the labs. A couple of us scientists in the lab got exposed to chemicals and thus here I am with a bunch of others"

So it was my doings that puts her here? She is one of my million other collateral damage.

"You were in the way I bet" I said secretly defying my responsibility. It is their own fragility that causes their own demise—meaningless existence.

"Yeah…" she shrugs. "So Louie, what's your story?"

I bet my horns she won't stop asking until I do tell her. "First of all I didn't manage to ask your name yesterday. I can't simply just convey my life story to some stranger"

"Well first of all" she says as she reclines again, "I already know your name and you allowed me to touch your head. We're technically not strangers"

Oh how mistaken you are mortal.

"It is a manner of typical communication my dear stranger. We are supposed to exchange names yesterday during our first meeting"

She laughs. "Fine, stranger. The name is Harriet Walters" she reaches out a hand for a handshake in which I receive. "Harriet Walters of nowhere"

It took me some time to sort out which to leave out. I don't think she'll like the idea of the one responsible for her stay here is sitting next to her.

"My mother is the only one that understands me. But truth is she is not my real mother. She knows well that I am a huge trickster and being a trickster nobody wants to befriend me" I pause then I turn to her. Her eyes, almost golden in color, bore curiously into mine. So I resume my story.

"I am different than the rest of them. I have a vision of how my life is going to be but I know deep down I made a few reckless and brash decisions sending me spiraling downwards. I lost my only guardian along the chains of events and it was all my fault. As much as I tried to climb back up but once again I return to the bottom and literally here I am trapped in the middle of nowhere"

"That is one heck of a life" she says. "But, you sounded self-centered though"

Odd. Mother—Frigga—said the same thing. To manipulate is what I do best. Her magic guides me everywhere and I am thankful to her for that.

"You will never understand this but since you insisted to know so there you have it"

A pat on my back is all I receive, not that I am expecting anything else. "Perhaps I never will" she says.

We sit quietly watching the stars above us. Suddenly she speaks.

"We are kind of similar"

How so? I don't say it out loud though. I simply stare at her.

"I don't belong anywhere Louie. Whatever your case is, we're similar in a way"

* * *

Two weeks have passed by and I meet the auburn head every night on the roof. Her insights on science, how should I say, is fascinating. She does not believe in magic and to that I call her fickle. She simply shrugs it off.

I am set to go, out from this mewling infested building but the auburn head makes it hard to leave. Mind you, I, Loki has no interest in this creature. No interest. But, upon listening to the sound of her laughs, I think I understand how Thor has fallen deep into such creature. They are utterly beckoning, not just Harriet but the lot of them. The nurses, croons and grumpy patients… they are all far from banal. To every life story I have listened to is interesting and different. How could I bring myself to annihilate all these? I grow an understanding that as useless as this world may be, it still keeps the universe in balance and that is how it should always be.

I did regret everything that I have done; momentarily. My massive ego get the better of me. I may as well blame Odin for everything but I would've been a doomed frost giant infant. I wouldn't have grown to have Frigga—a caring mother. Hell I even thought of Thor, my fool of a brother. Better yet, meeting Harriet.

Where is she really? I am pondering about everything as I stand here by myself on the roof. The auburn head has got me turning into a soft hearted creature. Heimdall is probably having a good smile.

"Sorry I'm late!" she yells as she skids towards me with her Bifrost looking slippers. Worn out Bifrost by the looks of it.

All we do every evening on the roof is simply having a conversation. Long hours of conversation but most of all me lying about who I really am. The guilt of hurting her will always haunt me. I bet my horns that she'll might throw me off the roof once she knows I was the one who destroyed Starks laboratories. Hell, I almost destroyed the whole monument. It was an eyesore anyway.

* * *

"Is something matter? You are unusually silent tonight" I ask.

She smiles but doesn't quite reach her eyes by the looks of it. "I am just a little tired. No biggie"

"No biggie?" I ask.

"You're not familiar with that term too?" she smiles. I like it when she smiles like this; a smile that reaches her eyes, mischievous… "It means no big of a deal. I'm fine" she continues.

"Right" I nod. "Are you certain though? Perhaps you want to recline early?" I really resent it every time she leaves.

"I'm fine" she rests her head on my shoulder. "I like hanging out with you"

"Likewise" I reply.

"But you gonna have to carry me to my room I'm afraid" she says suddenly.

"And why is that?"

"I can't feel my legs"

* * *

"What exactly have you contracted Harriet?" I ask. I am now sitting on a metal chair next to her bed.

"Nothing" is all she says.

"Nothing" I question.

"They don't know. The doctors don't know. The reason I'm being held here is for them to seek explanation. I can't afford to stay here. Stark offered to but I refused"

"Why did you? You know Stark can find out whatever it is you are having and possibly a cure" I can't believe I just say such nice things about the metal mortal.

"I don't deserve it. I am a nobody. I'm not worthy"

"But—"

"I will be fine Louie"

"If you say so…"

* * *

After that night I spend my time in her chambers. She could no longer walk. Her worn out Bifrost flops remain unused for a number of days now.

"Tell me something" I say whilst playing with her auburn locks. I remember playing with mother's blond locks.

"What?" she asks.

"Are you…" my words fail to come out. It is in this moment I remember feeling when Heimdall out worded me when Thor decided to raid Jotunheim. I don't like it at all.

"Am I dying? Is that what you're trying to ask?" nonchalantly again she speaks of death. "Well Louie aren't we all? Everyone is dying; I'm dying and you too"

Not in thousands of years give or take. "Yes of course" I reply.

She touches my face, just like Frigga—mother—used to do. I shiver upon her touch. No one aside from mother has the heart to touch me with such gentleness. Hell, Jane Foster gave me a good punch for almost destroying New York. Then I think Harriet does not know the real me.

"I see pain in you Louie. I remember you said you lost your mother. Do you remember what you told me about the stars?"

I nod. I still am partially believing that. I haven't witnessed any Asgardian deaths. I missed mother's funeral for sure. But I heard she went up into the stars.

"She is there in the stars"

What a fickle mind Harriet has.

"Watching over you"

One moment you say you don't believe in miracles and magic.

"I'm believing that Louie. That is as far as I could believe in magic and miracles"

Oh Harriet… I believe the former for I possess it but miracles…

I want to believe it too.

* * *

The next few days proves to me that she is not doing well. I spend the entire day with her no longer just the nights. Nurses have given her something they say to sooth the pain and yes, her legs are in pain now.

She is barely awake when I try to fix her pillow.

"Hey" she says.

"Hey" I reply.

She stares at me with her usual beautiful smile. I love it when she smiles.

"I think I have to tell you something" she says as she reaches out for my hand gesturing me to sit on the bed next to her.

"What it is?"

Her forefinger draws circles on my palms and she looks contemplated to speak.

"Harriet…" I say.

"I know who you are. Who you really are"

I stand away slowly releasing her hand. "How?"

"I told you I saw a man wearing green and gold with horns in his head. It was you. I saw you clearly"

She knows. Why doesn't she hate me?

"Louie… I don't hate you"

Did I say it out loud?

"Why don't you? I caused this upon you and yet you let me stay by your side?"

She is still smiling. "On the contrary Louie, I am glad. I get to meet you, I get to know you and there is nothing I want to replace it with"

"Do you know how guilty I feel? And yet there you are smiling at me"

She nods. "Don't be. I am thankful for everything that had happened. Not that I'm happy New York was nearly destroyed but it lead you to me so I'm thankful"

I feel my knees are failing me. Reaching for the metal chair I then sit myself still refusing to look at her. The liar is being lied to.

"Louie… talk to me" she says. "I am fine. Well, not really but I am fine so long as you promise to stay by my side"

I look at her and I let her watch me break as sobs began to escape my throat. "But I'm a villain, a liar… a monster"

"Oh Louie… You are not. I know you. You are not" she says as she reaches for my hand.

"I have killed. I am knee-deep in blood. I am a monster" I pull my hand away from her touch.

"Louie… don't pull yourself away from me now. You are not a monster. Whatever it was that driven you it is long gone. I can see light and tenderness in your eyes. Please don't be too hard on yourself"

"It's Loki" I manage to say through sobs. "I am Loki. Louie Edler is a disguise"

"It's just a name… Loki. You still have your conscience in you and I see good too. You could've killed us all the moment you step foot here but you didn't" my hand is now in hers. When she kisses my hand I sooth down a little.

"Thank you Harriet"

She smiles. "I accept who you are Loki. I care for you and I love you… for whatever and whoever you are"

I later find myself saying the words I thought I could never convey.

"I love you too Harriet"

* * *

She has been doing quite well after that but she still could not walk. Every day I stay by her side, we lay in her bed side by side and I took the liberty of inhaling her scent that smells of florae. I have grown fond of messing with her hair and I, Loki, never felt so content.

* * *

Perhaps her death is not forthcoming. To me at least, seeing the improvement in her health a few days ago. There weren't any signs except the occasional fatigue she said to have. I never really thought the possibility of losing her.

Humans are fragile creatures or rather, after all I have done, I don't deserve to feel happiness and content.

"Louie Edler?" a nurse calls out.

"Yes?"

She hands me a white box containing Harriet's miniscule amount of belongings; the comb she once used on my hair, the instrument; scissors as she said it is and her Bifrost worn out flops, her hair tie and a few of her clothing. When I took off the lid, her scent immediately radiates and already I long for her presence.

"Thank you" I say. "I am not her kin. This box shouldn't be handed to me"

"She was the government's ward with no family and no place to return to. But seeing her spending her last days with you we think this is what she wants"

Harriet's words are deemed true. She was a nobody just like me.

'_I don't belong anywhere Louie. Whatever your case is, we're similar in a way' _

It seems we are… Harriet.

* * *

I head to the roof with her box in my hands. What am I, Loki, doing here in such a melancholy state? Why do I feel such longing for a fragile being? It must be because now I have realize that I care and because I am now on my knees, kneeling and crying to the heavens to take me who already possess nothing, no family and now no one. But how could they simply take me away from the pain? It is the price to pay for the loss of lives I have caused. Her life included.

'But Asgard needs it's king'

"I AM NOT THE RIGHTFUL KING!"

'It is your birthright to rule'

"MY BIRTHRIGHT WAS TO DIE! I SHOULD NOT BE ALIVE AT THE FIRST PLACE! I DON'T DESERVE TO FEEL!"

I don't deserve to feel her love.

Loki does not feel. There was a time when Loki feels but no longer. Loki does not care. But Louie does. Louie loves. Louie cares. But Harriet, my Harriet accepts both Loki and Louie. Perhaps she did see love and care in Loki.

It is time for me to return to Asgard.

* * *

At the last minute with my disguise as Louie Edler I find myself returning to the nurse's desk. What happens to her soulless container? How will they discard someone who has no place to call home?

"She wished to be cremated. Her ashes are still at the morgue downstairs"

"May I have her?"

"Certainly sir. I'll make a call so you can just drop by to claim"

"Thank you"

As I made my way to the morgue, our first meeting comes to my mind. Her auburn hair glistens under the starlight and her carefree personality greeted and I fell in an utter fascination.

'_He's dead'_

She spoke of death as if it does not matter. Now I know why. It was amidst her trimming my locks that I told her about the stars that they are souls watching over those they love. Of course I didn't mean it at first. It was simply a small engaging talk but now I just wish it is.

Now standing at the morgue, there I saw her sitting amongst the other similar looking porcelain jars; my Harriet. I reach for her and now I am on my way to Asgard.

Could someone without a home accept this as her final resting place?

* * *

Dear Harriet,

This is where I live. I don't belong here but I live here. I don't call it home but I am its ruler. Asgard is what it is called and it is much, much closer to the stars that we had watched together on the roof.

Harriet, you taught me to accept everything but how could I really. I have caused your eventual ending my love. I cannot fathom how you could forgive me. I am manipulative and rotten to the core! But that didn't matter to you. You gave me your love instead.

I remember when we were lying on your bed, you told me to be like Louie. In truth, Louie exists because of you solely. You, a creature I once call pathetic I have let to have my heart. I guess the pathetic one here is me.

I am currently standing on the Bifrost that holds the similar colors to your worn out slippers; I am staring at into the stars. Should I release you now my love? Should I release you into the stars now that you belong there beyond my reach? I told you I have lost my mother and you are certain that she is there. If you meet her up there please tell her how sorry I am. Tell her also that she is my one and only mother. One thing I regret the most is not being able to say or show that I care. Do tell her that.

I don't know why you chose to befriend, care and love me but I pray for any amount of hatred in your heart for me to be dimmed.

I am sorry my love.

I truly am.

* * *

I am watching the gleaming lights under my feet as I stand on the Bifrost Bridge with Harriet in my arms. In all honesty I am still contemplating to release her into the stars.

"A fortunate Midgardian she is my liege", it was Heimdall. I didn't at all notice his presence.

"Fortunate she is not. She's forever gone, dead by my own bloody hands"

I watch the gatekeeper nodding his head.

"The queen faced the same. I am certain you witnessed my doings"

"Don't despair my king. Think of this as a retribution for all your previous wrong doings. Remember her life. Remember how her life ended. Don't let history repeats itself"

I hold her tighter. Harriet once said the same thing as Heimdall. "How could I ever live with myself? Why did Odin took me into his care? If he hadn't then this, all of this mess would never happen"

"Do you regret knowing her? Would you meet her if you died?" says Heimdall.

"She would still be alive" I say simply.

"She would be. You wouldn't be. Asgard would be left with an empty throne. We all know Thor was quite a trouble back then. If you weren't here who would be left to protect this realm?"

"Why are you saying all this? Hadn't I cause you and this realm such massive chaos and destruction?"

"The demons are within us my liege. No previous ruler had ruled in greatness. Haven't you notice Odin thinks differently of you now? The people adore you now…"

"You know it is not them I doubt. It is me" I admit.

"You won't" he replies simply.

"How could you be so sure?"

He stares down into what I am holding. He doesn't have to say it to me but he does. "You have her memories and her life to remind you"

* * *

I am and still will be Loki the trickster. My enemies believe that I am dead and that so far is a good manipulation. Thinking about Harriet again I thought that I could've saved her. I could prevent her death sneaking her here just like Thor did when Jane came. But it was already too late.

"Still unable to let her go?" asks Odin.

"I don't have the courage to" I reply.

We stand here, on the Bifrost quietly as we watch the gleaming stars above. Don't be surprised. I had him released the moment I returned with Harriet. I was expecting his wrath and I would rather have him end me with his own hands as he should have a long time ago. But he didn't. He watches me sit on the throne everyday consulting only in a few occasions. I was expecting him to say that I am still unfit for the throne and that Thor is the rightful king of Asgard (which he is). Odin hasn't said a word. Of course Thor does not know that I am the king now. He still thinks I'm dead. I should've stayed dead.

"Do you understand now what it means to protect?"

I can only nod quietly. I had figure everything needs to be in balance for quite a while now. I wonder if Odin knows somebody from Midgard but I don't bother asking. Am still not fond of storytelling. Harriet is the only exception. She was the only exception.

"Why didn't you end my doomed life back when you first found me?"

Odin does not answer. I know deep down he is contemplating his words. Probably afraid of me manipulating his words again. Who wouldn't? I know Harriet wouldn't. She wouldn't.

"After everything Loki, I did regret letting you live. Worst, I let you in and I have grown fond of you as my son. You have the intellect of a king despite your manipulative desire and you possess magic which I may add is rare. But in truth I was merely planning everything selfishly. I only wish that once Jotunheim is yours to rule, our realm could stop being in a constant war. You were after all Laufey's son"

"Were?" I ask.

He pats me on the back and says the words I long to hear.

"You are my son. You are Frigga's son and brother to Thor"

A tear escapes my eye. "You know you could've said this to me a long time ago. I think I would've reasoned with knowing my real birthright"

Oh Harriet… I finally found a home. It saddens me that this did not happen to you. Forgive me, my Harriet.

"Is this the pain you felt when you lose mother? Will it ever fade?" I ask.

"The pain is still there Loki. It is still there… never will it fade…"

I hold her tighter in my arms one final time before I let myself take the lid off. Then slowly I watch her fly and into the stars she goes. Her ashes glittering almost as red as her locks and almost as golden as her eyes.

"Goodbye… my love. Watch over me and I will be there, I promise you, when my time finally ends. I promise…"

It is probably in my head but for a moment I know I could hear the stars whisper and I know that she will always be there.

'Goodbye… Loki'

"You know love, the stars look even brighter with you there" I say. I let myself break again. "Farewell" I blew her a kiss that could never reach her lips and with that I return to the throne for I know my star Harriet will always be there and in every beat of my once rotten heart.

-THE END-


End file.

Thor, Angst, Tragedy