1. Chapter 1

**Star Trek On Drugs**

Uhura: "Hi there everybody, we're here today to talk to you about the dangers of drugs."

Spock: "Indeed."

McCoy: "Out of curiosity, how many people came here because they wanted to see _us _do drugs?" (Given the authoress' writing style it certainly wasn't out of the question)

Kirk: "Personally, I'd like to see that myself. Maybe see Spock or Bones here loosen up a bit."

Spock: "I would estimate a 52.3% probability that the reader has what you would call 'a dirty mind'.

Uhura: "Trying to get back on track, drugs in the twenty-first century are not something to make light of."

Kirk: "Lighten up, Uhura. You can't really blame them. The thought of Spock or Bones here all high and mighty making asses of themselves would make anyone come running.

McCoy: "You don't need drugs or alcohol to make an ass of yourself, Jim."

Uhura: "Anyway, to bring this back to topic, though cigarettes are not illegal, they can do as much, if not more damage than their illegal counterparts, causing things such as lung cancer, heart disease, and even premature aging and wrinkling. And as with most things, they're harder to quit the younger you start out."

Spock: "The same goes for alcohol. Though legal, it has killed approximately 6.5 times more teenagers than all other illicit drugs combined. Though while Doctor McCoy does indulge in his earth bourbon far too much-"

McCoy: "Hey!"

Spock: "But, as with most things, it all comes down to moderation and self control. A thing which Vulcans have completely mastered."

Jim: "cough(Romi) cough"

Spock: *glares*

McCoy: "To try and bring this back to topic; Heroine is instantly addictive, so there is no such thing as 'just once' for any user. Health risks include: Fatal overdoes, High risk of infections such as HIV and AIDS, infection of the heart lining and valves, as well as liver disease."

(Everyone's favorite Italian walks in)

Romi: "Hey guys, what are you doing?"

Jim: "We're doing a public service announcement about drugs, do you have anything to add, Pixie?"

Romi: "I did shrooms once."

McCoy: "What?!"

Spock: (Raises eyebrow)

Kirk: "Huh?"

Uhura: "You Romi? What happened?"

(Queue story that includes, among other things, cross-dressing FBI agents, setting squirrels on fire, ridding a black bear like a horse, and a high speed chase through the streets of Pamplona while only wearing a fluffy sweater and body paint)

Romi: "I really don't recommend it."

McCoy: (Stares slack-jawed while reconsidering his hopes that this woman will be the future mother of his children)

Spock: o.0 (Considering how many regulations he would break by shoving her into one of the escape pods and marooning her on a random M-class planet)

Kirk: 0.0 (truly considers how borderline insane Romi is)

Uhura: '_' (Thinks about how much persuading it would take to get Spock to go to the running of the bulls in Pamplona)

I was inspired to do this by **JustMeBeingADork's **Hetalia fan comic: The Nordics on Drugs. It's a great piece, and I don't want to offend anyone by doing this. Here's the link if you want to check it out:


	2. Chapter 2

_Hey guys, really sorry I haven't updated you in awhile, but you know, I do have other things to do in my offline life. Anyway, I was inspired to write this after seeing something on Deviantart._

_Yeah, I'm usually inspired by something on Deviantart._

* * *

Saving Bones.

The absolutely strangest day of Leonard McCoy's life actually started out relatively well. He had just came back from a nice, long spring break at home and nothing could spoil his mood- until he came across a pair of familiar faces.

"Hey Bones!" The doctor grit his teeth at the horrid nickname that Jim refused to stop calling him as the farm boy ran up to him, a soccer ball tucked under one arm.

"What is it?" Leonard grunted as he continued walking, trying to shake the kid off.

"Pixie and some of the guys are playing soccer, we need a goalie, you want in?"

"It's called football Americans!" Romi yelled playfully from across the field. McCoy cursed her Vulcan hearing. Well, there was no escaping it now.

"Do I have to?" He whined as Jim corralled him to the goal.

"Bones-"

"Don't call me Bones." He grumbled habitually.

"You're my roommate, and Pixie's my best friend, you two have to learn how to at least be civil to one another."

"Since when was she your best friend?"

"Since she set me up on a date with a lovely Swiss model."

"How'd she swing that?" _And how can I get one?_

"Apparently she's friends with a fashion designer. Anyway," he slapped McCoy on the back as he dropped him off at the goal, "Good Luck."

Then the game began in earnest. It looked like Jim and two other of the command track cadets were playing off against Romi, and two other navigators. A pilot called Sulu was their goalie.

After a small while, McCoy was beginning to genuinely enjoy playing. He deflected some of the balls, though some did get past him. He wasn't keeping track of the score, understanding this to be a friendly, rather than competitive match.

Then, it hit him- literally. The ball came zooming towards the goal. He went to intercept it- and was promptly head butted by the ball. The force of the blow sent him back, hitting his head on the goal post. He heard feet rushing towards him, and then, nothing.

"Leonard... _Leonard_..." He heard a soft, feminine voice calling out to him. It sounded vaguely familiar.

"Not now mom, it's Saturday." He whined.

"LEONARD MCCOY, GET YOUR FINE SOUTHERN ASS MOVING, DAMN YOU!" That got him going.

He opened his eyes, only to look up to one face he most definitely did not want to wake up to.

"DiValdi," he groaned, clutching his head. Suddenly unconsciousness and the possibility of brain damage suddenly seemed a whole lot more appealing than dealing with her.

"Nice to see you as well, Doctor." The Italian grinned malevolently. "Not to worry though, as a field medic, I'll be sure to tend to your injuries." She reached for the back of his head, he slapped her hand away.

"I don't recall you ever receiving any medical training!"

She rubbed her hand for a moment before placing both of them on her hips. "Don't worry about it, I've taken the hypocritical oath."

"It's the Hippocratic oath!"

"Whatever, now, be a good patient and let me get you on the stretcher."

Before he could protest, Romi lifted him up- damn her Vulcan strength- and placed him on the old fashioned medical stretcher.

As the stretcher lifted, Leonard became face to face with a rather curvaceous ass in a rather short skirt. Suddenly, he didn't mind things too much.

"Hello, darlin'" he drawled in his Southern accent. "What are y'all doin' round here?"

The owner of said gorgeous behind looked over her shoulder.

"Like what you see?" Jim said, giving a saucy wink. Leonard blinked.

Jim. In a skirt. A short skirt. And he had just thought that-

(_Whining sound_)

**ERROR ERROR ERROR**

We are sorry, but due to catastrophic shock and intense psychological scarring, the doctor you are looking for is no longer available. Please hang up and dial again.

(_Dials_)

_Welcome, for loving and treasured memories of Joanna, press one; for information on the Peripheral Nervous System, press two; for reasons Jocelyn is a cold hearted bitch, press three; for continuation of the story, press four; for list of people Leonard McCoy hates, press five..._

**4**

"Oh, good, you're up just in time for your surgery." Jim said while pushing McCoy (quite quickly) down a hallway. The Academy's medical center looked empty. So no hope of rescue from any of the competent- not to mention actual- medical staff.

Bones tried to sit up and make a run for it, but he was held at the wrist by old fashioned leather restraints. Also, he was wearing nothing but a hospital gown under the bed sheets that kept his 'vital regions' covered.

"Wait a minute, didn't you flunk bio?"

"Psh, it was a C+"

"That's not sufficient for a nursing license!"

The cross dresser ignored him, pushing the actual doctor into the medical bay, where he noticed Romi putting on black rubber gloves with a menacing 'snap'. Leonard couldn't help but feel a twinge of fear go down his spine.

She turned towards him with a malevolent gleam in her eye. "Alright, Nurse Kirk, time to see what's under the bed sheets..."

"Yes sir!" Kirk saluted cheerily. While trying to think of how to avoid getting molested, McCoy realized something, while his hands were completely held down, his feet were left unrestrained. So when the cross dressing nurse went for the bedsheets, Leonard's foot met his face with a sharp smack.

"Oh god!" Jim cupped his bleeding nose, "I think he broke it!"

"Here, let me see," Romi said, sounding slightly concerned. While they were busy, the doctor took his chance to escape, scooting the cart closer to the door. He was less than ten feet away.

"Yep, it's broken," the 'doctor' ascertained.

Eight feet away.

_Seven, six._

"Here, I'll fix it for you."

_Five, four._

There was another snap and Jim yelped in pain. "There all better."

_Three, two-_

"Hey, where do you think you're going?" McCoy's escape came to a crashing halt when Romi jammed the wheel of the cart with her black leather boots.

Romi tsked in disapproval as she wheeled him back into the room. "Trying to get out of surgery? Very naughty, Doctor. Nurse." She called.

"Yep?"

"The patient's being difficult, get the extra restraints and my favorite syringe."

Jim gasped "You mean that-"

"Oh SI, I'm going THERE." There was an early 21st century term known as a rape face. Leonard McCoy was absolutely certain that Romi was currently making one.

Kirk got said restraints, tying down his feet rodeo style. Romi face palmed.

"Nurse," she groaned, "How am I supposed to get access when his anterior side is facing me?"

"Umm..."

Romi gave Jim's backside a sharp smack. She then returned her attention back to Leonard.

"Now then, let's practice some medicine." Leonard's hand restraints were undone, but only so Jim could hogtie them as well. Flipped onto his front, he was sure nothing could humiliate him more.

He was wrong.

"You know what you did," Romi said before she injected the syringe into his backside.

Now, Leonard McCoy was a wholly competent medical professional, and he did what any other doctor would do in this situation: He screamed.

"Doctor, doctor!" He heard another voice say, "If you continue thrashing like this you'll reopen your wounds."

McCoy opened his eyes to see the professionally calm face of Doctor Purri, one of the Academy's attending physicians. He looked around, he was in a bio bed in the Academy medbay, not in the surgical bay with the mad doctor DiValdi and Nurse Kirk.

Leonard gave a sigh of relief.

"You hit your head pretty hard, we were worried you might have sustained some minor brain damage. Did you see anything while you were out?"

Leonard just nodded, sensing he wanted it to be left alone, Puri didn't press the issue. "It should be healed up by now, but I've prescribed a mild painkiller just in case. Just take it easy for the next few days, alright?"

"Yes sir,"

"Doctor McCoy, you have a guest," a nurse said from the doorway.

"Hey Bones!"

So much for taking it easy.

* * *

_Anyway, hoped you liked it! I also hope those Bones x Jim fans like the little bone I thew them (get it, bone?... Never mind, horrible pun is horrible)_

_Anyway, if you want to see more, review below and let me know!_


End file.
