Naruto 1. Chapter 1: Fuck You Fans

_Hey guys ! I've decided to write this for everyone so ya'll can have something to read while waiting for me to update my two major stories. Oh, and I'm using my Oc's from one of my stories, if you're confused, go and read at least a couple of chapters of Unexpected Friendships, then you'll hopefully understand a bit. _

_**Disclaimer** ! : I don't own Akatsuki or any of the Naruto characters._

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Jerr and Iris were giggling so loud in the middle of their empty living room. They were reading some of the most ridiculous fanfiction stories ever. Hidan and Kisame were also in the living room with them and they each rose and eyebrow.

"The fuck are ya'll bitches gigglin' about eh?" Iris wiped a tear from her eye. "Oh… Oh my God! You guys are so freakin' on these things! Here, read this!" Jerr pushed her new apple laptop to the two villains and they both frowned. "The hell? What the fuck is this shit? Me and that stupid stitched bastard ain't together! We never fucked! Iris covered her mouth and Kisame rose an eyebrow, taking the laptop from the angry Jashinist and reading a couple for himself.

"Who the hell is Miranda? And why in the hell is she in the Akatsuki? This makes no sense at all!" Jerr and Iris were cracking up and the former took the laptop from the blue man and shook her head. "Oh don't worry fishie man! There's even more!"

Zach and Kat as well as the others came back from the kitchen with plates of food in their hands. "What's with all of this commotion?" Pein asked and Jerr grinned at him, jumping up to plug the laptop to the T.v where everyone could see the silly stories about them.

"Well here's the deal. You guys remember when we told you that all of ya'll were so famous that other people who are basically fans, write stories of their own. Just take a couple of minutes and pick out a couple of these…juicy stories.

After a couple of minutes, everyone was rather disgusted with was they read.

"Me and Iruka? What in the world gave them that idea that we had…a fling together of some sort…" Kakashi wondered out loud, rubbing the back of his head.

"Uchihacest? This is ridiculous… They do realize that Sasuke is my brother correct?" Itachi's face deadpanned as he read. Kat and Jerr only smirked while the latter shook her head. "Oh yeah, Itachi… all of your fans just love to see you and Sasuke fuck all night long…"

"ALRIGHT! SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS SHIT ?" Hidan burst out, pacing in front of everyone while they watched him.

"Well, you could always send letters to them… Using my fanfiction account… Just write it up on word and I'll post it for you…" Kakuzu and Suigetsu stared at Jerr, comprehending what she had just said.

"Here, just go ahead and type and I'll do the rest." Jerr pushed the laptop to them and headed outside to sit and relax for a while.

"So…who's going first?" Suigetsu asked, eyeing everyone who stared at the computer.

"I suggest we all write one for now, then we can take turns." Pein grabbed the laptop and began typing while discussing what everyone wanted to say.

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Dear Fans of Fanfiction…or whatever this website is called,

We have been reading a few of your stories…and we are NOT impressed with them at all. Turning us into felines? Really? Where do you get off on that? Sending us to a whole universe…

It's not cute or adorable… in fact. It's highly annoying.

So stop immediately.

Or we will find you,

And we WILL kill you.

_Signed, The Akatsuki._

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_Welp, There's chapter one for ya'll . (: I hope I did a halfway decent job on this…_


	2. Chapter 2: Hidan Ain't Gay !

_**Good evening readers (: Here's chapter two of Ridiculousness ! Thanks a lot for the reviews and favorites and alerts ! I love you all !**_

**Disclaimer****! : **_I don't own Akatsuki or any of the Naruto characters._

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Kat was sitting in her favorite chair in the living room flipping through the channels on the television when suddenly, Hidan's loud and booming voice came through and scared the shit outta her.

"Man fuck this shit! I'm sick and fucking tired of these bitches writing about me and Kakuzu fucking and shit! I AIN'T FUCKIN' GAY!" The Jashinist screeched out. He grabbed Jerr's laptop and began typing away.

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Dear Bitches of fucking Fanfiction,

Who the fuck do you think you are pairing me and that money grubbing bastard Kakuzu together?

I AIN'T GAY! Ya'll bitches are sick and fuckin' nasty whores.

I like pussy. No man's ass, No dick…

Pussy.

Bitches be running after me for this dick.

If you assholes keep posting this shit up, I'm going to find you and sacrifice all of ya'll to Jashin!

Fuck Ya'll Whores.

_Signed, Hidan. _

Ps: If I were gay, I wouldn't be the pansy to be taking it in the ass. That's for sure.

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_**You tell 'em Hidan. Show 'em who has the biggest dick ever. **_


	3. Chapter 3: Suigetsu's Awesome Fans

_**Good Evening readers! Thanks for the reviews and alerts/favorites! I'll try to update this twice each day. So another one should be coming late tonight. (:**_

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Suigetsu was on the computer with Zach, reading some fanfictions about himself. He was pretty impressed with the stories so he decided to let everyone know how happy he was about that.

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Dear Fans of. . . whatever this is called,

Wow, thanks for letting me be awesome as always! You guys rock! I know the others are using this to rant and rave at all of you but I don't see any problems with in your stories! Having me beat up Karin? HELL YEAH!

Karin is an ugly…nasty…Sasuke obsessed bitch. I wish I could get rid of her now, but most of you guys are already doing it for me ! I dunno what the hell the others are bitching about . Well obviously, They don't have awesome fans like me. Now, about the Juugo thing? Maybe you guys should have him maybe take her out. Just some advice.

Thanks a lot for being awesome.

_Signed Suigetsu. _

PS: Who in the hell is Sakura and why did she join our team? I don't remember her being with us…

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_**Oh Suigetsu… Only if you knew the pairings. . .**_

_**Don't worry guys, I know this chapter was boring as fuck, but don't worry, next time I update Suigetu's letter, you'll see why I wrote this. **_

_**Hmm, maybe I should change this to Rated M huh? The language last chapter was very… colorful… lol. **_

_**I'll change that right away. **_

_**Have an awesome day guys ! **_


	4. Chapter 4: Signed Deidara and Sasori

_**Man. It's 11 pm. here and it's past my bedtime… Lol I go to bed early on school nights. My only motivation is this song that I'm listening to right now. Oh, and Happy Halloween everyone! (Make sure to not get Diabetes from eating too much candy and sweets! Who's ready for Thanksgiving so we can get fat as fuck?) **_

_**Enjoy**__**. :)**_

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Deidara and Jerrie were sitting on the patio in the backyard. He was watching her read some of her favorite stories until she came upon one with him and Sasori paired together. He blinked and leaned over a bit more to see what in the hell she was reading since she was smiling like crazy.

"What the hell is this?" He snatched the laptop away from her and frantically read over what Jerr was smiling about.

"Hey !" Jerr reached over for her laptop. "Give me that! I was reading you asshole!" Deidara only ignored her commands and read on. His semi-frustrated facial expression turned red and into an angry one. Jerr then stopped yelling at him and only let the blonde bomber read on.

"You like what you're reading so far Dei?" She asked him with a wide smirk on her face. Deidara didn't answer her, he only kept reading until he growled under his breath and shoved Jerr back her laptop with a rather gruff demand.

"Sign into this shit and let me write a damn note to these bastards, yeah."

Jerr only giggled but did what she was told and then handed him back her small computer. "Write away blondie."

"Gladly, yeah."

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Dear Fans of Fanfiction…

WHAT. THE FUCK, YEAH?

Me? Touching Sasori like that?

HA! YEAH RIGHT!

As fucking if! I'd NEVER even think about touching that…Pinocchio looking bastard… Never in life. That's just disgusting.

What in the hell is wrong with you people, yeah?

Okay… how in the hell would you like it if I wrote a gay / lesbian story about some of you? Huh?

Yeah, you wouldn't like it so much now would you ?

Stop being childish ass licking fuckheads and THINK for once.

Never in my life have I seen such a horny crowd pairing up to people of the same sex and call that…that shit ART! THIS! THIS is NOT art!

It's disgusting and just plain wrong…

Remember that bastards.

_Signed Deidara._

PS: I AM NOT GAY! I AM A DAMN B. O. Y! I am not a fucking girl so stop getting confused.

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After that long rant, Deidara huffed and gave Jerr back her laptop and immediately left, only to be intercepted by his partner, Sasori.

"What's the matter with him?"

Jerr only grinned and gave him her computer. "Just read what he wrote and you'll see for yourself."

Sasori took the device from her and narrowed his eyes while reading. After he was finished, he rolled his eyes and sat down next to her in the lounge chair, laptop in his lap. Without asking, he began typing under Deidara's letter with his brows knitted.

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Dear Fanfiction Writers,

One thing.

I'm not gay.

Second thing.

We may not fuck, but I do know some things he likes to fuck, like something tight, and wet, and warm…

Just ask both of his hands and they'll gladly tell you.

But really people. Stop acting as if we're together. Never have I lusted after that boy and I will continue to do just that. We're just partners and that's IT!

Besides, I heard he's not all that good in bed anyways.

_Signed Sasori ._

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"_**When I die, Bury me Next To TWO BITCHES!" **_

_**2 Chainz**__** . (My Song of Motivation Late Tonight.) **_


	5. Chapter 5: Kisame Gets Stoned !

_**Sorry guys for updating so damn late. I was a little busy with school. Those bastards are depriving me and my thoughts from writing. Welp, I'll post another one of these tonight sometime. **_

_**Oh, lol. Just something random. You know how we were supposed to set our clocks back last night? Well I forgot and my dad woke my ass up EARLY this morning! When I looked at my alarm clock it said 6:10. I was pissed. I checked my damn phone. And it said 5:10. I was like… Wtf? So my stupid ass reset the clock on my PHONE and went the whole day thinking it was an hour ahead. Lmfao. I just changed my phone back like 2 hours ago. I'm so fucked up. Lol.**_

_**Enjoy. :)**_

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Zach was sitting on the swing in the large backyard with a joint in his hand. Usually he smoked his regular pack of cigarettes but a friend of his had a couple of bags cannabis and he gave a bag to him for free, it was an awesome day out so why not smoke a joint and enjoy it eh? He was swinging slowly and his eyes were squinted while he stared up at the sky with a small smile across his face. He was so fucking mellow it was ridiculous. He took a long drag and held the smoke in for a few seconds and inhaled it French style, blowing it out afterwards.

He was awakened from his trance when Kisame and Iris burst out of the backdoor laughing with each other, the latter had her phone in hand, reading a fanfiction story to the blue man. They sat at the patio table when Iris called Zach over, it took a few seconds for him to register that she was calling him. He stood up slowly and shuffled across the yard and around the pool. His eyes were still squinted as he flopped down in a chair next to Kisame.

"Yo…like, what's up?" He said lazily, the same mellow smirk on his face. Kisame rose an eyebrow at him and glanced to Iris, jerking his thumb to Zach who had his eyes closed now. Iris sighed and rubbed her head.

"He's high again… what a way to communicate with him now." She rolled her eyes and Kisame only stared at the joint sitting lazily in the boy's hand. At the same time Zach opened his eyes again and pushed it to him. "Aye blue dude, wanna try it?" Kisame was silent for a second and Zach chuckled and pushed the cannabis roll towards him again. "Just once dude… there's only one rule. Puff Puff, Pass. You can't hog all my shit." He drawled and closed his eyes again, the same mellow smile on his face.

"Oh for Pete's sake…" Iris sighed and placed her head in her hand and watched Kisame take it and place the joint to his lips and inhale deeply. The first few times he coughed but eventually he got the hang of it.

In a matter of about 10 minutes, Kisame leaned back and smiled himself, staring at the blue sky. Everything so much better now, the colors were more lively and alive-like. A bird flew by quickly but to him it was flying pretty slowly: his smile widened. Iris saw this change in the Akatsuki member and she laughed, never seem this from him before.

"Kisame? You alright?" She waved her hand in front of his face and he blinked, looking to her.

"Hmm?" He only smiled. Iris giggled and glanced to Zach who was blowing smoke rings. "I said are you alright?" She asked again, a grin evident on her face now.

"Suuuuuureee." He drawled and leaned back again, watching the tiny knats buzz together near a bush.

After a while, Zach finally finished his smoke and sighed, just enjoying the ride of his high now. He then looked to Iris's phone and snatched it. "Lemme see that runt." He scrolled through the stories and laughed; he clicked it and began telling Kisame about some of the stupid stuff writers say about him as well as his fans. The blue Akatsuki member was listening, but not very much. He only laughed and his eyes squinted.

"Like… you should let me write to them… let them know how much I appreciate them." Zach grinned and shrugged.

"Well…whatever blue dude, I'm gonna go and lay in that really green grass over there." He then stood up and did what he just said. Kisame looked to Iris and grinned, showing her his sharp, white teeth.

"Well what are you waiting for runt? Go get me your…" He stopped and mulled for a minute or two, trying to think of the correct word. "Computer, thing…." He waved his hand and leaned back, feeling lightheaded and watching the colors of the tree in front of him.

Iris quirked a brow. "Are you sure Kisame? I mean you are kinda stoned right now… I don't think that's a good idea. You should probably wait until you're sober again. " Kisame snorted and giggled.

"Nonsense little girl. Now go get me that device…"

Iris sighed but nonetheless shrugged and went to get the laptop.

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Dear…fans of…of uhh..yeah.

Oh my god… I love all of…um you little girls and boys.

I mean who would've thought that you guys would have paired up Itachi and I together… he's so handsome and has awesome red eyes… I mean that's what the um…the uhh…girls say about him.

Sucks for me because I don't get all that special attention. I wish I had a girlfriend to complement me every day. You know what it feels like to be so ugly you can't even stand to even look at sushi anymore? Or even your Samehada? I mean at least Samahada lets me know that I'm pretty. Do you guys think I'm pretty?

Anyways, I just read that Itachi and I were uh…having sex… is that even possible for us? I mean I'm a pretty friendly guy and he's pretty boring and shit. Maybe instead of me , he should get laid by a girl then? Besides, I don't think I'm…uh, gay? Am I ? I mean that's what it's saying here…

Oh… and one more thing… why the fuck am I the color blue? Was I like…born with this or something? Maybe this is paint? Hmmm, well I tried rubbing it off with my finger and it didn't work…

Then I licked my finger and rubbed it again…it still didn't work…hmm, maybe if I take a shower it'll go away?

Oh well who knows?

I'm hungry.

_Love, Kisame . . ._

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_**Lol, I'm a little high while writing this… I apologize if this kinda didn't make sense, blame the cannabis for fucking me up. **_

_**Anyways, I'll be writing a result of this when Kisame's sober again. **_

_**So yeah, Thanks for the reviews guys! I love you all! **_

_**Hopefully tonight I'll be sober to write a decent chapter :D **_


	6. Chapter 6: Itachi's Rant

_**Hola, unfortunately, I'm still highly euphoric. So I'm using this awesome ass mood to update before heading to bed and off to school in the morning to fuck shit up. **_

_**Enjoy. (:**_

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After a while, Kisame came back inside. He was still pretty damn high from smoking with Zach and he was hungry as hell.

"Small girl, come direct me to food."

"Small girl? I mean really? I know I'm short and all but there's no need to get all specific!"

"Less talky, more making foody"

"So I'm your servant now?"

"Why yes sir…"

"Sir? Really Kisame? Really?"

Iris grinned and shook her head, waving her hand for him to follow. Zach was still outside, enjoying the life out there while he was coming down from his own high. "This way here blue guy." She muttered under her breath. Once they hit the kitchen, Itachi was using the other laptop with Kat. She noticed Kisame's letter and was in tears already while the former just had a blank expression on his face.

"Yoooooo people…. Where's all the food aaaaaattt?" He chuckled and stumbled into a chair and leaned back, looking out of the window, the sun going down quickly and the street lights coming on.

Itachi and Kat both stopped what they were doing to stare at the blue man, wondering why in the hell he's acting so strangely. Kisame only tapped the window, still smiling to himself.

"Um, is he alright?" Kat asked first, speaking for the silent Uchiha. Iris nodded while she dug around in the refrigerator for something to heat up for the hungry Akatsuki member. "He's pretty stoned right now."

"Say what? How did that happen?" Kat continued to gaze at him with a curious look, not knowing he'd do something like that. Iris only sighed and pulled out leftovers from yesterday and popped them in the microwave.

"Zach, he got blowed and offered Kisame some. He's got the munchies now unfortunately."

"Munchies?" Itachi repeated, he too was surprised to see Kisame this way but still was upset with what he read from him.

"He's super hungry now." Iris clarified, while the food was heating up and Kisame was gazing at the sky changing colors slowly, Itachi decided to question and scold his partner later and clarify everything.

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Dear Writers of Fanfiction,

Please ignore everything my foolish partner has written. He is not in his correct state of mind right now…

Anyways, since I'm here, I'd like to clarify something.

Uchihacest? Really? Me and my little brother have NEVER lusted after each other. What is going on in those…sick…twisted minds of yours? My little brother wants to KILL me. NOT have sexual relations.

The same goes for me as well. Well I don't want to kill him…I just want the best for him. I do believe that is just utterly disrespectful and disgraceful.

I am not impressed at all. How can you even write that just for entertainment? That is not humorous or romantic. It's wrong…

_Signed Itachi._

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"_**All I wanna do, is fuck your body! Whoa ooooooo-ooooo!"**_

_**Christina Aguilera tonight. **_

_**I hope I did a decent job on this one (:**_


	7. Chapter 7: Signed Suigetsu ll

**Work hard, Play hard. *Dances***

**＼(^▽^＠)ノ**

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Dear Fans of Fanfiction.

What. The. Hell?

I take my damn time to write all of you an awesome thank you note and this is what I get? Pairing me up with Sasuke? I mean really?

No wait… Scratch that.

Fucking… _Karin…_

Out of all the women in the world…Why…Fucking…_KARIN?_

I'm offended… Highly offended readers. I thought all of you had more sense than that.

I guess I was WRONG! Damn bastards…

See if I praise any of you sick minded fuckheads anymore.

Disgusting. I'd rather fuck Kisame-senpai than that wretched whore.

All of you should seek therapy…

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_**Thanks for reading guys! I appreciate the reviews! Sorry for not posting on time! I'm super busy… Life won't seem to leave me alone. **_

_**Thug life. **_

_**:3**_


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Naruto, Humor