Transformers/Beast Wars Visit to the Ark (One-Shot)

"I still don't see why _I _had to bring him," Megatron mumbled as he landed outside of the Ark, knowing full well that Soundwave was busy working on a new invention to get more energy out of a single energon cube than ever before. It was nice to have a subordinate (and mate) who was so technologically inclined, but still, did he _have _to be busy today?

Well, whatever. Megatron took the crying Sound Rage out of the baby sling on his chest and held him in his arms, tossing the baby sling into the diaper bag—the very smelly diaper bag, as Sound Rage had filled approximately ten thousand diapers on his way here. Needless to say, Megatron also had lost the pacifier en route, so there was no way to shut the sparkling up except feed him, only he couldn't be fed in mid-air—in fact, Sound Rage apparently had an issue with airsickness, because Megatron, while changing diapers, had been constantly thrown up on as well.

Sound Rage was about one month old, and was achieving the status of Major Headache. Of course, he slept a fair amount, but he chose to sleep at tiny intervals throughout the day rather than at night like everybody else. In between naps, he woke up demanding to be either fed or changed, often both. Megatron found himself fantasizing a lot about sleeping, and often relied on the more experienced Soundwave to keep their sparkling calm.

"Oh, will you shut the slag UP?!" Megatron yelled, which caused Sound Rage to scream even louder. And he was starting to smell bad again. But Megatron didn't care. Maybe Sound Rage's diapers would finally be the death of Optimus Prime.

The reason the two of them were coming to the Ark in the first place was because Sound Rage needed a check-up, and there was no Decepticon medic. One month was about the right time for Sound Rage to get his shots, and Megatron figured that since his son was still a sparkling, maybe he could convince the Autobots to give him a check-up.

It was unfortunate that he had to do this at the Ark, because Sound Rage was still very young and impressionable. Megatron hoped that, Primus forbid, the Autobots wouldn't instill any of their values upon him.

"Oh no, it's Megatron!" someone was yelling. "Teletraan 1 was right!"

It was that stupid flesh creature, Spike. Megatron, already irritable, found humans to be even more annoying than Autobots. But maybe Sound Rage could help him have some fun…at Spike's expense.

"Here," said Megatron, bending down and shoving Sound Rage in Spike's face. "Meet my sparkling, Sound Rage."

"Oh—oh!" Spike fell on his knees and covered his nose and mouth. "What is that _stench_?"

"It's what happens if you ever have a sparkling," said Megatron. "Not that you have to worry. Nobody will ever want to mate with you."

"I-I didn't know you had a baby," said Spike, standing up, his eyes watering. Now he was covering his ears, too, since Sound Rage was screaming louder than ever.

"Well, there are a lot of things you don't—" Megatron was interrupted by Sound Rage, who at that moment decided to throw up on him again. Spike burst into laughter, and Megatron, infuriated, pointed the barrel of his cannon right at the insufferable human.

"Don't even think about it, Megatron!" Optimus, followed by a few others, ran to Spike's defense. Megatron grabbed a napkin out of the diaper bag and quickly wiped himself off.

"Well, we—we meet again…" Megatron was trying to talk with dignity, but it was pretty hard, considering the circumstances. Currently, he was covered in dried spit-up, he was carrying a hideous diaper bag, and Sound Rage was screaming at the top of his lungs—most likely because his diaper was full again, but there were many reasons why a sparkling might be crying. Sound Rage could be hungry, tired, hurt or even just bored.

"Give me that child," said Optimus Prime's girlfriend, Elita, snatching Sound Rage away from Megatron and bouncing him in her arms.

"I can explain," said Megatron, hoping it was true that femmes were inherently better at taking care of sparklings.

"We'd like an explanation," said Optimus.

"Well, you see, Soundwave and I…" Megatron shrugged and gestured to Sound Rage.

"Honestly, Megatron, what kind of parent are you?" said Elita. "Can't you see he needs to be changed? And when was the last time you fed him?"

"I brought bottles and diapers!" Megatron said indignantly, but he did notice that his sparkling was beginning to calm down.

"Well, then let's get inside." Elita carried Sound Rage into the Ark, and all the others followed her. Megatron wasn't sure he wanted an Autobot to be taking care of his sparkling, but then again, she seemed to know what she was doing. While she changed the sparkling's diaper and fed him a bottle, Optimus and Megatron talked.

"So _that_'_s _where you were for so long," said Optimus. "Starscream told us you were indisposed."

"What? No," said Megatron angrily. "I'm sure you thought that was real funny."

"I didn't," said Optimus. "But I think Starscream did."

"Well, that aside," said Megatron, "once I found out I was having a sparkling I had no choice but to stay home while everybody else went out. Going on the battlefield would have put Sound Rage in danger."

"I'm glad you figured that out," said Optimus. "But why didn't you just tell us you were going to have a sparkling?"

"Well…I wanted to keep him," Megatron replied slowly.

"Did you really think we were going to try and take him away from you?" Optimus looked a little horrified. "Please try and have some faith in us! I'm not _that_ set on the Decepticons."

"If you wanted to keep him," said Elita, putting Sound Rage back into Megatron's lap, "why did you bring him all the way here?"

"I-I, well, we don't have a medic," Megatron explained. "So I figured that at one month he would need a check-up and probably some injections too."

"Would Ratchet do that for a Decepticon sparkling?" Elita asked.

"Maybe," said Optimus.

"We shall see," Megatron told him. "Where's your med bay?"

"This way." Elita gestured for Optimus and Megatron to follow her. Not long after, they reached the med bay. There was a sign on the door that read, "Dr. Ratchet. No Appointment Needed."

They found Ratchet sitting in the corner, cleaning off the repair table. There was a look of surprise on his face when he saw Megatron walk in with Sound Rage in his arms, followed by Elita and Optimus Prime.

"You don't need to look so shocked," said Megatron irritably. "I just…I just brought somebody you might like to meet."

"Is he—is he yours?" Ratchet asked.

"Apparently Soundwave and Megatron had a sparkling a few months ago," Optimus Prime explained quickly. "Megatron wants to know if you'd be so kind as to give the little one a check-up. You know, make sure he's healthy, give him his shots, stuff like that."

"We're hoping you'd give any sparkling the care it deserves," said Megatron, "regardless of whether it's a Decepticon or an Autobot."

"I certainly wouldn't leave a sparkling out in the cold," Ratchet said slowly, getting up from his seat and taking Sound Rage from Megatron's arms. "After all, a life is a life."

"Exactly," said Megatron. "And we don't have a medic at our place. So we thought someone with your expertise could help us."

Ratchet set Sound Rage down on the repair table. "How much did he weigh at birth? How long was he?"

"Actually…we never weighed or measured him," Megatron admitted. "I remember he was a little heavy for a newborn but I think he got that from me. I guess he's a little different, but I don't think he grew that much."

Ratchet measured and weighed Sound Rage, then reported him to be seven feet long and 210 pounds. "You're right. Your sparkling is definitely a heavyweight, but one of average height. As far as I can see, these are relatively standard measurements for a heavyweight, and he seems to be growing nicely. Was he on time?"

"Yes," said Megatron. "And there weren't any complications."

"Good to hear," said Ratchet. "Since this is his first check-up, I think we need to do a full physical on him. To me he looks healthy, but you can never be too sure."

"Thanks for doing this," Megatron said reluctantly, as Ratchet reached for a stethoscope. "After all…I thought you would only give a check-up to an Autobot sparkling."

"Nonsense," said Ratchet. "I don't care if he's yours or if he's Optimus Prime's. I would still want him to be healthy."

"Optimus and I are trying for a sparkling of our own," Elita explained, smiling.

_Yeah_, _because the universe could always use another Autobot_, Megatron thought sarcastically, but he decided to keep this to himself.

"Sound Rage's energy signal is good, and his breathing is steady," Ratchet told Megatron, who nodded and watched Ratchet examine Sound Rage's visor and ears, then pry his mouth open to look down his throat. Sound Rage, startled, began to cry again, and Megatron face-palmed.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"That's quite all right," said Ratchet, feeling under Sound Rage's chin and neck. "The sparkling is just a little shaken up. Sparklings cry all the time."

"Especially mine," Megatron agreed.

Ratchet felt Sound Rage's arms to test for toughness, making sure there were no scrapes or dents in the blue metal. The Autobot medic gently tapped Sound Rage's knee to test for reflexes; his reflexes were fine, but the sensation of someone hitting his knee didn't help stop his crying. Ratchet examined the whole baby, making sure he was healthy and strong.

"Overall, this sparkling is fine," said Ratchet. "But he does appear to have diaper rash."

"Oh, great," said Megatron. "Now what?"

"Just make sure you change him frequently enough," said Ratchet. "I'll give you some ointment for you to use on him at changing time. Also, make sure you're wiping him clean enough, and maybe let him sleep with his diaper off—for exposure to the air."

"What? I can't keep his diaper off," said Megatron. "Sound Rage is literally a poop machine."

"Just put a plastic sheet underneath him or something," Ratchet told him.

"I suppose." Megatron picked up Sound Rage and sat down again, holding him against his shoulder to get his crying to stop.

"Anyway, how are his sleeping habits?" Ratchet asked. "What position does he sleep in?"

"Sound Rage is always waking us up in the middle of the night, and during the day he only sleeps for about an hour or two at a time," said Megatron. "It gets annoying. I don't know what position he sleeps in."

"The safest position is on his back," said Ratchet, leaning back in his chair. "And you should be feeding him every two or three hours. Do you give him sparkling formula?"

"Yes, I know he can't have real energon yet. And we basically feed him whenever we think he wants it," said Megatron. "I mean, when he's crying, it could be for any reason, but when he doesn't smell bad, I'll usually give him a bottle. Soundwave seems to know when Sound Rage needs to be fed, though—in fact, he seems to always know what the sparkling wants. Of course, he's experienced. I'm not."

"We all have to start somewhere," said Ratchet. "Everybody is ignorant, just on different things. The important thing is that Sound Rage is developing normally. Being a grounder, he's more likely to master his motor skills first, and language might not be for a long time yet. As an Autobot medic, I don't know how much 'Con sparklings differentiate from our own, however."

"What I do know is, he probably won't be flying any sooner than he'll be talking," said Megatron. "All Decepticons can fly. But Seekerlings fly as early as two or three weeks, while grounders often take over a year to master flight. And the grounders are usually the heavyweights. Too much weight can affect the way a Seeker can fly, so they naturally have lighter frames."

"Makes sense," said Ratchet. "How does he react to your presence? Soundwave's?"

"I think he knows who I am, at least a little," said Megatron. "Soundwave, too. Not so much the others, but he doesn't see them as much."

"Someone stays with him at home when you leave, I assume," said Ratchet.

"Usually it's Soundwave," Megatron replied. "I have other responsibilities too, you know. But I do need the practice…so sometimes I'm the sparkling-sitter."

"Do you set him down on the floor?" Ratchet asked. "This will help him learn to crawl. Also, he should be able to lift his head up by now, at least for a little bit."

"Well…maybe we don't let him crawl around as much as we should…" Megatron stroked Sound Rage's helmet, as he was starting to fuss again. "But he does lift his head up. And he reacts very well to sound and movement."

"Let him lay on his tummy for a few hours per day," said Ratchet. "It's good for him. And—you guys live underwater, right? Make sure you're taking him out for air enough."

"I'll keep that in mind," said Megatron. "Do you have a pacifier?"

"Here, I can get you one," said Elita, stepping out of the room for a little. Then Ratchet told Megatron that it was time for the injections. Megatron put the sparkling on top of the repair table again. Ratchet waited until Sound Rage wasn't paying attention and then administered the injection. Unfortunately, Sound Rage noticed, and started crying all over again.

"Oh no," said Megatron, as Ratchet placed some bandages over Sound Rage's upper arm where he had given him the injection.

"Crying is the normal response," Ratchet told him. "We can give him an energon treat for being so brave, however."

The energon treat seemed to do Sound Rage some good, and he eventually calmed down. Megatron was a bit reluctant to do so, but the three Autobots insisted on bringing Sound Rage out into the rec. room so all the other Autobots could meet him.

…

"Aw, what's new, little fella?" Ironhide was saying, holding a cooing Sound Rage up in the air. Sound Rage liked playing with Ironhide, who swung him down and tickled him; he also screamed with laughter whenever Bumblebee made a funny face at him. Prowl seemed to be reluctant to have some Decepticons in the base, as did a few other officers. But the rest of them seemed to see it as a happy visit.

Wheeljack built Sound Rage a toy, which he grabbed and promptly threw up on. Elita let Megatron borrow her "How to Raise Decent Younglings" parenting book, which she had bought in anticipation of her own sparkling—even though they weren't even sure she was going to have one yet, they still wanted to be prepared. Megatron paged through the book, looking rather doubtful at the suggestions in it:

_101 Temper Tantrum Stoppers_

_1_. _Sit your sparkling down on a chair with your hand on his head or tummy_. _Suggest that he take deep breaths_.

_2_. _Give her a big hug_. _Maybe she just thinks you don_'_t love her_.

_3_. _Suggest a different_, _more educational activity_, _such as reading_.

"What _is _this scrap?" Megatron announced in disbelief, throwing the book onto the floor. "If Sound Rage ever acted up like that, he'd be sent to his room with a good spanking."

"Spare the rod, teach the sparkling," said Optimus.

"Well, I don't _entirely _disagree with spanking," said Prowl thoughtfully.

"Sparklings should have to learn which 'bots are in charge," Ironhide agreed.

"We will just have to agree to disagree," Optimus told them shortly. "Megatron, you should keep the book. After all, isn't this your first sparkling?"

"Yes," said Megatron, "but my mate has plenty of experience. So you can keep the book. I'll keep the sparkling."

"Oh, don't go so fast!" Bumblebee stood up and grabbed Sound Rage from Ironhide. "I swear to Primus, this is the most adorable sparkling!"

"Sound Rage is NOT adorable!" Megatron yelled in frustration. "Sound Rage is a Decepticon!"

"Oh, no, he's just cute and little!" Bumblebee made a little farting noise onto Sound Rage's tummy, which made the sparkling laugh out loud.

"Give me him," said Megatron, taking the sparkling back. "This is _not _a game of Hot Energon Cube, thank you."

"What's Hot Energon Cube?" asked Sideswipe from the other side of the room.

"Everybody knows what Hot Energon Cube is, Sideswipe," said Sunstreaker, his twin. "It's where somebody plays music, and you toss an object back and forth, and whoever is holding it when the music stops is 'out'. Then they have to go to 'jail' and do Transform-ups."

"That's not how it works," said Megatron.

"It is when you're using the Advanced Rules," said Sunstreaker haughtily. "And how would _you _know? Do _you _play Hot Energon Cube?"

"Ehh…sometimes," said Megatron uncomfortably.

"That aside, we want to wish you luck on your new sparkling," Ratchet told Megatron nicely. "I really think you should keep the book, or at least borrow it. Turn to another page, see what you think."

"Whatever," said Megatron, but he still turned to another page, where the corner was folded down to save the page. "_Consistent Tips for_ _Conceiving a Femme_—_Really Works_?"

"Well, maybe not _that_ page," said Elita, looking embarrassed.

"_What To Do If You Don_'_t Know Your Sparkling_'_s TRUE Sire_," Megatron read, looking amused. "_What To Do If Your In_-_Laws Want To Sue You_…_How To Get Rid of Sibling Rivalry_…_What To Do If Your Sparkling Is Too Clingy_…_What To Do If Your Youngling Walks In On You Interfacing_…hmm, this IS interesting. I might keep it."

"It's not like we _need_ a lot of that stuff," Optimus told him. "But that book does cover some serious problems."

"Okay, well, I'll keep that in mind." Megatron shoved the book into his diaper bag. "I hope it's not because you don't think I'm a decent parent."

"No, you're good," said Elita, giving Sound Rage another kiss. Bumblebee handed the sparkling to his parent again, and Megatron tucked Sound Rage under his arm.

"Well, I'm outta here," he told the Autobots, waving, and exited the Ark. Most of the Autobots were still shocked that he had come to visit without doing anything bad, but they weren't complaining.

-the end-


End file.

Transformers/Beast Wars, Family, Humor