Twilight It Could Always Be Worse

**I don't own Twilight. This is a one-shot I wrote a long time ago. I'll be republishing all my old work on here. Yes, I am aware that there really isn't a law like this in Washington, but this is a crackfic after all, so bear with me. **

The next time someone tells you that things could always be worse, believe them. Because in my sorrow over Edward and the long months of loneliness that followed, I hadn't taken that wonderful piece of advice.

In fact, my complaining led to a rather embarrassing downfall. A childhood friend of mine, Jacob Black, had started to dust off the cobwebs that formed from my grief and managed to web his own way into my heart. Not so bad, right?

Wrong.

A convenient little state law in Washington states that if you are of legal age (18) and have sex with a minor, you have committed statutory rape.

Jake had made his way into my heart - and I had then made my bed. As Charlie told me later, "Now I would have to sleep in it."

Who made these laws, anyway? Jake was 16 years old - not a child! Hell, he definitely didn't look the part of a child. In all the time we spent together he had seemed to age practically overnight, into a 25 year old man.

But that hadn't mattered in the end. Because the only thing that did matter was his birth certificate next to mine. The dates were listed, the law was binding, and I...was screwed. After one tiny night of fun, my own father had marched into my bedroom to find the two of us in an awkward position.

And the really nice thing about it all? Not only was Charlie my father - who had every right to arrest me, there was also the fact that he was the Police Chief of Forks.

The smallest damn town on the West Coast - (or so I thought) and my father had to be in law enforcement. Things could suddenly get worse at that point...and they did. Quickly.

Currently, I was in the state prison with women who had beards and looked suspiciously more like men with their huge biceps and smothered lip-stick. All...over Jacob Black.

If I ever got out of this hell hole, he would be one sorry son of a bitch.

My thoughts were scattered as a voice interrupted the long line of thinking. "Swan, there's someone here to see you."

I put a hand over my forehead and sighed. Now who was here?

The guard slid the cell-door open and I walked out slowly behind him, expecting Renee to be behind the glass window with a comical glare stamped on her face. Instead, my cheeks flared in utter shame and embarrassment.

Not him...anyone but him.

Edward Cullen and the rest of his family were all sitting or standing in various places behind the bullet-proof glass. He already had the black phone in his palm, smirking as he clutched it to his left ear.

The guard motioned to me that I had 5 minutes, no more. I slammed myself down in the chair and gave them all the most poison filled look I could muster.

From behind the glass, Emmett choked out a laugh.

The phone was at my ear then. "You have a lot of guts showing up here, Cullen."

Edward rolled his eyes. "Bella, quit the tough act. I came here to post bail and get you out - you may want to be nice to me...especially under the circumstances. "

"You left me, you asshole!"

"And I am truly sorry - if anything because you chose to throw away your entire future and get it on with a werewolf!"

Beside him, Jasper and Rose chuckled. I could feel the calm as it radiated through the window and on to me. I wasn't sure what annoyed me more at this point, Jasper trying to keep things pleasant, or the fact that I couldn't feel my own annoyance.

Emmett bellowed another laugh out as he took the phone from Edward suddenly. "Okay Bella, come out with it - how much hair was there?"

In my shock I wasn't quite able to answer, instead opting a question of my own out, "Jacob is a werewolf?!"

He continued, "I know, right? So you not only violated state law, but you violated a dog at that! I don't know what's more funny...there are too many jokes to be had."

The word bestiality floated to the surface of my mind. I was going to be sick. Maybe God would be nice to me and strike me down right then...I waited for it.

Nothing.

"It's okay, Bella. We're all technically dead, had it been Edward - you would have been arrested for necrophilia."

Edward snarled, ripping the phone away from his unfiltered brother. "Bella, I'm sorry. I am," he sadly looked at me again in the glass, "Please, I know it's late and there's so much to say - but please take the bail post and come home with us."

My voice carried a dull edge as I replied, "What possible motivation do I have for even considering that at this point?"

The door in the corner opened again as one of the larger, older women was brought in. Around the prison she was known primarily as Big Bertha. She gave me a toothy grin as she sat down beside me in the next booth to begin her own conversation.

My eyes widened and I gulped, glancing back at the Cullens. Alice was giggle-snorting into her sleeve. Edward leaned forward at the same time as I did as he whispered in the phone, "You could always stay here. Become better friends with Bertha...become someone's..."

"Edward!" Esme shrieked, slapping him hard in the shoulder.

Emmett and Jasper were laughing at full volume now. The only two people in the entire group giving me any sort of sympathy were Carlisle and Esme.

My shoulders sagged in defeat as Edward warned me, "I'm not letting you stay here, Bella."

Yeah...things could _always_ be worse.


End file.

Twilight, Humor, Parody