Harry Potter I only wanted to be loved

March 26, 1969

My brother Sirius gave me this. I dunno why, i think he thought it would be funny but i kinda like the idea of having a journal. I dunno what i shoud write in here but s'okay, im gonna figure it out.

March 29 1969

Mum and daddy are angry at Sirius because he was mean to me. Well thats what they said but Sirius wasnt mean to me hes never mean to me! Hes a good big brother! I dunno why mum and dad always seem to be angry at him. It hurts me.

November 14 1969

Mummy is furious because Sirius said that he didnt love her. How could he! Shes our mum, you need to love her!

February 2 1970

Sirius says he cant wait to go to Hogwarts next year. Mum and dad wants him to be in the slytherins because all of our family were in the slytherins. We went to the beach today woth Sirius and we were playing but i fell on the rock and my nose was bleeding so we went to see mummy and she yelled at sirius, saying it was his fault i tripped. I tried to tell her it wasnt but she wasnt listening and punished Sirius so he cant eat tonight. I might give him some bread later.

August 21, 1971

I forgot i had this Journal. Sirius cant wait to be at Hogwarts, he cant stop talking about it, so much that dad told him to shuddup and it was very mean. Sirius told him to shuddup too and dad slapped him in the face, saying that he will not tolerate him to talk to him this way. I was very shocked! Sirius was angry and couldnt stop yelling mean things at dad and dad punished him. He cannot get out of his room for two days. I feel bad for him. He was just excited, is all!

September 4, 1971

Mom is furious. Sirius is a Gryffindor and not a Slytherin like he should be. But he says it's okay because he made a friend and that he didnt like the Slytherins very much. Mom said that it was a disgrace, that being a Black and being a Gryffindor was a disgrace to the family. I hope i wont be a Gryffindor and disappoint Mom too!

November 13, 1971

Mom doesnt want me to talk to Sirius. I dunno why. Maybe its because of the letter Mum received earlier, i couldnt read it because she throw it in the flammes. Everytime Mum receives a owl, shes in a bad mood. Why is Sirius mean with her?! Dad said he should be grateful for being a Black and because he's pure. But Dad also said that he was an ungrateful little git. Maybe he is ? Maybe he changed. I cant wait to see him in the holydays! I could ask him about the letters he sends to Mum and why he's mean to her.

December 19 1971

He wont come. Sirius will not come home for the holidays. He wants to be with his friend - James - and Mum said that he wrote that its better that way. Maybe Mum was right. Sirius HAS changed. He disappointed me.

December 25, 1971

Christmas isnt the same without Sirius.. Mum said that it was better this way because Sirius never behaved like a Black anyway and that he is a blood-traitor. I dont exactly understand why he is supposed to be a blood-traitor but Mum hasnt stopped repeating it over and over again. It hurts me.

January 11, 1972

I told Mum that i missed Sirius and she slapped me. She told me that i had no right to miss him when he obviously dont. I think shes right. If he would have missed me he would have came during the holidays to see me and Mum and Dad but he didnt. I guess he doesnt love me anymore.

March 30, 1972

Mum just told me that Sirius will not be there for Easter. Im sad because i was looking forward seeing him again, its been a long time.. Dad told Mum that he didnt care because their perfect son - me - will be there with them and that they didnt want him to come anyway. I think Dad is still angry because he didnt come for Christmas. I dont know.

May 1st, 1972

Mum and Dad had a huge fight over a letter that Sirius owled us. They wont let me see it. Mum keep saying that hes a disgrace and Dad keep saying that hes only twelve and doesnt know whats wrong and whats right. I dont even know why they are fighting.

May 10, 1972

I know the reason now! Sirius told them that one of his best friends is a Mudblood (Dads words) and that he really liked him and that nothing was wrong with Mudbloods. Mum thinks its scandalous - a Black friend with a Mudblood. Why is Sirius always trying to infuriate Mum ? He knows what she thinks about them. Hes stupid.

June 5, 1972

Dad told me that Sirius will come for the summer but he told me that i was forbidden to talk to him and that if id talk to him that id be punished. Sirius must have done something. Hes a bad son! I wont talk to him because he doesnt even deserve it.

July 31, 1972

Its hard, not talking to Sirius when hes there everyday. We havent talk to each other since almost a year. But that's his fault.

September 3, 1972

Im finally at Hogwarts and I am a Slytherin! Mum owled me that she was proud of me and that I wasnt a blood-traitor like Sirius! Slytherins are really cool and two fourth years let me play with them at wizard chess! I really like my house!

December 17, 1973

It's been a long time since the last time I wrote in here. I guess nothing was really important. Today was the first time in more than a year that Sirius and I talked. He came to me because he wanted me to tell Mother that he won't come home for Christmas, again. It's like we are nothing to him! Nothing at all! We are supposed to be family! He doesnt want us, he thinks he's better than us, that's what Mother says and I believe her. I hate him.

January 13, 1974

Mother wants me to tell her everything that Sirius does that is wrong. So i'm kind of following him now and he knows it. But he doesn't say anything.

January 21, 1974

Sirius told me to stop being 'Mumma's boy' and told me that all this pure thing is crap and that it doesn't matter but he's wrong. Of course it matters! We wouldn't be the same without our pureness and our name! We should be grateful for it! What a stupid git.

March 1, 1974

Mum wrote me some things. She wrote me that Sirius' filthy friend of a mudblood is also a werewolf! A werewolf! That is so disgusting! How can he be friend with that? He disgusts me.

June 24, 1974

Sirius is at the Potter's for the summer. Mum told him not to come because she won't accept him here after what he did. He told Mother that he wasn't the disgrace, that she and Father was and that he was ashamed of being a Black! How dare he ? He's not my brother anymore.

October 7, 1974

I think i'm in love... But i couldn't be! I can't be in love with a boy! Could I? It's disgusting! I disgust myself.

October 20, 1974

I definitely am in love. With Severus. I can't belive that he likes me back, oh my god! I'm acting like a little girl right now! Well, he didn't exactly told me that he liked me back but he kissed me! It was so perfect. He is such a great kisser, I can't even believe I kissed him ?!

November 31, 1974

I feel disgusting. I feel used. He used me. I told him that I loved him and he laughed to my face! Ever since the kiss, he wanted to have sex with me but I told him I couldn't because it was going too fast and sometimes i felt like he forced me?! I thought he loved me! Tonight was our first time and I thought that we made love and when I came I told him that I loved him and he freaking laughed! Told me I was being ridiculous and that this, this was only a sex thing. Nothing more. And then, he forced me for an other round and i was cryibg but he didn't freaking stop! I am shaking and my butt hurts so much and I feel so disgusting. I hate him. I hate myself for believing him. I can't talk about it with Mum because gays are disgusting and she would hate me so much and I can't tell anyone because i don't want anyone to know how disgusting I am. I hate myself.

December 1, 1974

I don't remember wandering in the castle after the incident. I don't even remember writing what happened in here. In fact, all I can remember is going to the showers at some point and trying to clean myself but I couldn't feel clean. I could never feel clean enough and i remember being a mess and that my body was red and hurt. It still hurts. I saw Sirius. He took me by the arm and locked us in an empty classroom. He looked at me and then hugged me. I pushed him off and asked him what the hell? He told me that Remus saw me yesterday and that I was walking weirdly, that I looked like a mess and that my face was very, very pale. He asked me what happened and I became angry and told him that it wasn't his business, neither was it the business of his freaking filthy werewolfy best friend. He looked shocked and asked me how I knew that. I laughed. I told him that Mother knew everything. He then said that, since i was aware of this fact, he could tell me that Remus smelled Severus all over me. Sirius asked me if I was alright and if Severus did anything to me. I became furious, i pushed him so hard he fell and i screamed. I screamed that he could fuck off and asked him if I freaking looked alright or if he was just stupid. I screamed that no, I wasn't alright but that wasn't a new thing. Sirius got up and hugged me again. I tried to push him off but Sirius always were the stronger. I wasn't even aware that I was crying until Sirius told me that it was okay to cry. And then, I just broke down. I stopped fighting and I hugged him back. After a little while, he took my head in his hands and stared at me, then said that he would tell Dumbledore about this and that he would punch that 'sick fuck right in the face'. I told him that it wasn't necessary and that it was okay. He yelled at me, saying that no, it wasn't fucking okay and that I was only thirteen and that he would tell Dumbledore and Mother. I pushed him again and started screaming again. I told him that he won't say a fucking word about this to anyone, that if he did, I would deny everything because he was the disappointment of the family and that I will never be. That he was the disgrace, not me. And when he didn't a word, I told him that I hated him. I asked him how dare he act like he cared when he obviously didn't ? He didn't say anything so I left.

December 13, 1974

I can't wait to get out of here for the hollidays. I can't stand how Sirius looks at me anymore. With such pity, it makes me sick. And I also can't stand how Severus just smirk everytime he looks at me. He doesn't even regret what he did, the bastard. But I can't help but miss his lips on mine, his touch on my body, I can't help but think about how gorgeous he is and how I would kiss that fucking smirk. I am disgusting. I hate myself for thinking about him that way after what he did to me. I just fucking hate myself.

December 30, 1974

I don't know which one is the worst; Hogwarts or home? Hogwarts with Severus and Sirius or home with Mother that's always yelling. She didn't stop yelling about how Sirius doesn't deserve to be a Black and how he's a blood-traitor and a disgrace for the family. About how he doesn't even owl them anymore and that she wished he wasn't their first son. But Father kept telling her that reason will come to him and that he will do his duty, that he will be a good son one day and that he's just in his rebelious phase. Everytime they talked about this, I only wanted to shout, to scream. To ask them WHAT ABOUT ME, HUH? WHAT ABOUT ME, MOTHER? WHAT ABOUT ME, FATHER? But I just look down and don't say anything.

January 7, 1975

Everything's normal again. Severus doesn't aknowledge my existence anymore and Sirius came back to his I-don't-care-about-my-family way of life. Sometimes, I just want to get up and punch him in the face and scream at him, telling him how he's such a perfect little git and thati fucking hate him. That I fucking hate him because he doesn't even care about us. That I fucking hate him because he is happy and he has such 'amazing friends'. That I fucking hate him because Mother still cares more about him than me because he's their fucking first son and even if he's the black sheep of the family, that Mother and Father still cares more about him than me, even if I'm their perfect son. I just want to tell him how much I hate him because I'm not him and that I fucking hate myself.

February 2, 1975

'Nobody will ever love you, Black. Nobody. Will. Ever. Love. You.'

You think i don't already fucking know that, Severus ? You think I don't fucking know ?

February 5, 1975

'You're such a pathetic little git. You think anyone gives a rat's arse about you?'

February 6, 1975

'You're so pathetic, Black. Still loving me? Still wanting me to fuck you so hard you'll be crying? So. Pathetic.'

February 7, 1975

'You're deranged, Black.'

'But still, I am not the one that is sixteen and wanted to fuck a thirteen years old boy against his will, am I, Severus?'

'...'

'Fuck off.'

February 9, 1975

I can't believe he did really fuck off. He didn't bothered me since two days ago. I feel lighter again.

April 10, 1975

FUCK OFF

April 16, 1975

There was this girl, Jenny, that I was talking with and she told me that I was boring and that I should take exemple of Sirius I would be more popular and that I would have some friends and that now I was just pathetic. Ha. I made her a potion. She lost all of her teeth. Ha. Fuck you Jenny. Father would've been proud of me.

April 18, 1975

I shouldn't have done that, I'm just so ashamed of myself.


End file.

Harry Potter