Harry Potter 1. Default Chapter

**Title: Harry and Draco Forever **

Summary: This is me poking fun at Harry/Draco smutfics. The concept is two people are reading my "H/D smutty slash fanfics in a nutshell...and more-so". Hehehe. It'll make sense. Just start reading. 

Disclaimer: Harry and Draco come from Rowling's head. The idea of them hooking up came from many other people's heads. This story came from my head...which makes it most twisted of all!!!! 

_This fanfic is dedicated to LeiMiPotter. Hope you enjoy it!_

**It was Christmas break, and by the will of the fanfic gods, Harry and Draco were the only ones staying there.**

_Reader 1: Oooh! Kinky already! ^_~_

**Harry just couldn't believe his luck. "Some holiday I'm going to have," he mumbled to himself glumly. He decided to go take a walk around the school. Of course...who else would he run into but... **

"Watch it, Potter!" yelled Draco. Harry glared at him without saying a word. He just wasn't in the mood to deal with his arch nemesis right at that moment. Draco glared back into those loathsome green eyes with his own icy cold blue ones. "You just stay out of my way for the next two weeks." 

"As if I wanted to see your ugly face," Harry retorted. Then Draco shot Harry a menacing look that made Harry's stomach lurch. 

_Reader 1: Aw! Harry's in love! _

Reader 2: What the hell? They haven't done anything yet. Shut up! 

**Draco walked away leaving Harry to his own confused thoughts, but Harry shook them off immediately and decided to go back to his common room to avoid anymore ill trysts...er, I meant collisions...hm...that can be taken the wrong way...to avoid running into Draco again...yeah, that's good...we'll go with that. **

The next day around midnight, Harry couldn't sleep, so he decided to go to the prefects bathroom and take a nice hot, sweaty bath.... 

_Reader 1: Oh, baby. Wonder what's gonna happen!_

**....But when he got there, someone was already occupying the tub....**

_Reader 1: No, way!!!! Eeee!!!! *squeals with delight* ^_^ _

Reader 2: Oh, please. As if you didn't know that was gonna happen. 

**....Harry stood there, jaw dropped. Draco turned around and looked up at him. "A little privacy please," he said with a pushy tone. Harry closed the door. "That's not what I meant!" Draco said. "Leave." **

Harry became indignant and said, "I want to take a bath. You leave." 

"I was here first!" 

"And now your time is up." 

"I just got here!" 

"Well, you've outstayed your welcome. Bye now." 

"No!" 

"Oh, so you wanna stay? Have it your way." Harry took off his robe, expecting Draco to give in and leave if he realized Harry was gonna jump into the tub despite him. 

"Put your fucking robe back on!" Draco said. He was now red in the face. Harry was completely naked. Quidditch does a body good! 

_Reader 1: Yeah it does!_

**In all his naked glory :-p Harry eased himself into the tub. Draco didn't leave. They sat at opposite ends. Harry enjoyed the fact that he was making Draco completely uncomfortable, but unfortunately unbeknownst to Harry, Draco wasn't uncomfortable at all. Draco decided to use the same tactics on Harry. He looked over his shoulder and said, "Oops! Looks like I dropped my soap." **

Harry looked at him. "You don't have any soap." Draco splashed some bubbles out of the tub and onto the marble floor. He got out and bent over to scoop them up, displaying his sexy pale ass to Harry. 

_Reader 2: Ack! _

Reader 1: Eeeeee!!!! ^.^ 

**A shiver ran down Harry's spine. Draco got back in. They sat in silence for a while. Draco decided to just ignore Harry and continue bathing. He dunked his head and reemerged. He tossed back his beautiful head, now soaking wet. Harry stared in awe. When he returned to his senses he leaned back and relaxed. He turned on a faucet that made the bathroom a little more steamy.**

_Reader 2: You have got to be kidding me. _

Writer: Hey, pipe down! If you don't like it, stop reading! 

Reader 1: Come on! Let's get to the hot sex already! 

Writer: Whoa. You need to take a cold shower. Be patient, grasshoppah. Foreplay very very important. 

**This of course changed both of their demeanors as they both became extremely relaxed, and the scent of the foam bath just added to their moods. **

"You know this whole hate-hate relationship?" said Draco. 

"What about it?" 

"You know it's just pent up sexual tension between us. It's obvious to everyone apparently." 

"And who is 'everyone'?" 

"Why the readers of course. At least all the nonhomophobic ones." 

"Ah. Okay." Harry looked over at Draco with a very seductive look in his eyes. "All this sexual tension between us is making me so hot," Harry said, hands rubbing his bare chest. 

_Reader 2: Omigod! lol _

Reader 1: Shut up! You're ruining it for me! 

**Draco gazed back into those emerald eyes with his fierce sapphire peepers **_(just for you, LeiMi...the peepers part was for me though ^_^ )_**. He swam over to Harry. The anticipation was killing them both. Chests heaving, lips parted, they kissed each other, hungry and wet. Oh, yeah!**

_Writer: Now comes the part you've been waiting for. _

Reader 1: Hooray! 

**Harry ran his hands up and down Draco's back, pulling him in closer. Then Draco's leg brushed up against Harry's penis--**

_Writer: Ack! I can't believe I just wrote the word penis!!! _

Reader 2: Dude, was that necessary? 

Reader 1: Yes! Come on! Back to the story already! 

**Harry moaned, "Ooh." Draco looked down and smiled. **

"Not here," he whispered. He climbed out of the tub and Harry followed. They put on their robes and left the bathroom. Draco was about to go to the dungeons, towards the Slytherin common room, but Harry stopped him. 

"Let's go to my dormitory. It's warmer there." They went to Gryffindor tower and stopped in the common room. "Here's good. Right next to the fire." 

"What if someone walks in on us?" 

"Wer'e the only students here," a very cheeky Harry whispered. 

"Then take me now!"-- 

_Reader 2: Take me now? Are you for real? _

Writer: That's it. *throws her quill down* You want me to open up a can of whoopass?! 

Reader 2: Oh, ho!!! Bring it!!!!!! 

*cat fight...lots of slapping and hair pulling* 

Reader 7: This is better than smut! 

Reader 1: Where did you come from? 

Reader 7: Oh, I just did a search for 'cat fight' and came here. You two need to make out already! 

*cat fight stops just short of rolling into the kiddie pool filled with mud* 

Writer: Get out of my fanfic, ass! 

Reader 2: For real. We aren't going to make out, you pervert. 

Reader 7: Oh, I'm the pervert? Look at what you people are writing and reading! Harry and Draco? That's sick. 

Reader 2: Homophobe alert! 

*all three girls pick him up and throw him out of the fanfic* 

Reader 1: On with the fuckfest! 

Writer: Such language... 

Reader 1: You wrote it. 

Writer: Oh, yeah. 

**They stripped each other's robes off and made out fiercely as they eased on to the floor. Draco started rubbing Harry's hard on. Harry moaned and dug his nails into Draco's back.**

_Reader 2: Oh, baby, some S&M! _

Reader 1: Weirdo... 

**Draco enjoyed the sharp pain and went rougher on Harry's cock. Harry twisted his face feeling intense amounts of pleasure and pain.**

_Reader 2: Boo-yah! _

Reader 1: What the hell? You're a hornier bastard than I am! 

**Before Harry could climax, Draco let go. "No," Harry muttered. He needed more. He put his hand around Draco's, but Draco pulled away. **

"Trust me," said Draco. He kissed Harry on the lips and then moved his way down, licking Harry's nipples, his stomach, his wang. 

_Reader 2: LMAO!!!! WANG??? HAHAHA!!!!! _

Writer: What? I was running out of terminology. 

**"Oh, god." The words rolled on to Harry's lips as Draco's mouth worked its magic on Harry's throbbing member.**

_Writer: Hehehe._

**Harry gripped the edge of the table above him. Draco was being a bit rough now, and Harry was losing control. Then Harry exploded into a series of convulsions. He clenched up and came into Draco's mouth. Harry laid their, body limp and sweaty. Draco looked at him. The sight of Harry's glistening, vulnerable body made the blood rush to his Slytherin snake--**

_Writer: You like that, don't you, bitches? ^_~_

**Draco started masturbating, while Harry recovered. "What are you doing?" he asked. **

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Draco said, still jacking off. 

"You don't have to do that to yourself." Harry sat up and his face was an inch away from Draco's. He lowered his voice. "I'll let you put it anywhere." 

_Reader 1: You took that from_ Cruel Intentions_! _

Writer: Hey, it's a good line! 

Reader 2: Can't argue with that. 

**Draco grinned mischievously. "On your knees, Potter!" he demanded. **

"Yes, master," Harry said, grinning as well. He got on all fours exposing his backside to Draco. 

"Let's move to the couch." Harry obeyed and moved. Draco prepped Harry's ass _(once again...for you, LeiMi)_**, and then he entered Harry's tunnel of love--**

_Writer: Hahaha! Oh, man! I kill myself!!!!_

**--gently at first. Harry clenched up from the pain. "Don't do that," Draco groaned. "Stop being such a tight ass!" **

"Hey, fuck you!" 

"Don't make me hurt you!" 

"What if I want you to?" 

"All this dirty talk, Potter...keep it up." 

Screaming insults at each other, Draco started really grinding into Harry. In and up, he wanted to fuck Harry so hard he could cum into his mouth. 

_Reader 1: Okay, whatever happened to the romance? The beauty of Harry and Draco making love? _

Writer: *scratches head* Oh, yeah. Oops. Don't worry. I can fix this. I mean, this works, too. Hardcore pounding, right? 

Reader 2: Hey, I don't know what you're complaining about. I like it. Probably the best Harry/Draco fic I've read. 

Reader 1: That's because you probably have some kinky dominatrix side to you that only comes out at night. It's always the quiet ones... 

Writer: Anyways... 

**"Ungh!" **

"Draco!" 

"Yeah! Say my name!!!!" 

_Writer: Damn I'm funny!_

**"OH!" Draco screamed as he spilled over. He held onto Harry who was bucking underneath him** _(had to put the 'bucking' in somewhere)_**. Then they both collapsed on to the couch. Draco was breathing hard and Harry was shaking. After a few minutes he asked, "Are you alright?" **

"I'll be okay," Harry squeaked out. Draco wrapped his arms around Harry and kissed the top of his head. 

"I love you." 

_Reader 1: Is that the end? _

Writer: Yes. I may add on an epilogue later. I've got ideas for that. ^_~ 

Reader 2: "I love you"?? What the hell??? All they did was fuck! 

Writer: No...they loved each other all along. 

Reader 2: No they didn't!! 

Writer: Hey. This was my "H/D smutty slash fanfics in a nutshell...and more-so", and it is a very common thing in H/D smut for Draco to say "I love you" after ramming Harry up the ass! 

Reader 1: Yeah, she's right. 

Reader 2: Well, in that case...great fic! 

Writer: Thank you! By the way, I love reviews. *hint hint* ^_~ 


	2. Writer's Epilogue

**Epilogue**

_Reader 1: Hooray! An epilogue! _

Writer: Well, so many people requested one, and who am I to deny my audience? 

Reader 2: This better be good. 

Writer: Or what??? You're gonna leave me a bad review? 

Reader 2: Yeah! 

Writer: *pout* Meanie poo head. :*( 

**Harry and Draco had to keep their love a secret, but after graduating from Hogwarts, they got married and had 2.5 kids.**

_Reader 2: HOW?!! _

Writer: My goodness. You're stopping me after the first sentence?? 

Reader 2: They both lack female genitalia. How did they have kids? And what's with the .5?? Was it missing limbs? 

Writer: Hm...how about this for an answer, "Shut your pie hole!" 

Reader 1: Yeah, you tell her! On with the smutlogue! 

Writer: Smutlogue? 

Reader 1: Yeah. Smutty epilogue. 

Writer: Nice. 

**They went their separate ways after twenty years. Of course they hooked up with all the main characters, male and female. For some reason Harry and Snape hooked up quite a few times. Draco even ended up with his father once **_(Yeah, and whoever wrote that fic needs help)_**. After years apart, Harry ran into Draco--**

_Reader 2: Wait...so that makes them how old now? _

Writer: Um...fifty? 

Reader 2: Are you asking or telling? 

Writer: Oh, wait...no, they are like seventy years old now. 

Reader 2: Seventy?! How did that happen?! 

Writer: I said they went their separate ways after twenty years, which puts them close to forty, and then they spent years apart having meaningless sex with other people. 

Reader 2: Thirty years of meaningless sex? Wow. They've got stamina! 

Writer: It's Harry and Draco. They keep going and going and going... 

Reader 1: Don't forget, they are wizards. They live a lot longer. So seventy for them is like forty for us. 

Reader 2: Oh, yeah. Good point. 

Writer: Aw, damn! I wanted them to be old!!!!! Ugh. Make that sixty years of meaningless sex. That puts them to about a hundred years old, so that's like seventy for us. 

Reader 2: And why do they have to be old? 

Writer: You'll see...*wink wink nudge nudge* 

**"It's been so long," said Draco, still with his shiny blonde hair intact, although it might have been gray and one could not distinguish, but whatever. **

"Yeah. Sixty years. What have you been doing?" asked Harry. 

"Having meaning less sex," said Dra-- 

_Writer: Hey! Stop that! Don't mess with my story! *pushes Reader 2 out of her chair* _

Reader 2: Just trying to help. 

Writer: Draco wouldn't just come right out and say that! Oh, for heaven's sake. 

**"Yeah. Sixty years. What have you been doing?" asked Harry. **

"Desperately pining for you!!!! Oh, Harry!!!!!!!!--" 

_Writer: What?! You leave my fanfic alone! *smacks Reader 1 away from her* _

Reader 1: Well, you aren't getting to the smut soon enough! 

Reader 2: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up. Smut? They are one hundred years old!! 

Writer and Reader 1: Your point being? 

**"Yeah. Sixty years. What have you been doing?" asked Harry. **

"Not much. I thought about you a lot," said Draco, looking deeply into Harry's eyes. 

"Me, too." It was as if the last sixty years had not happened. Harry still had the same feelings for Draco. 

A smirk crossed over Draco's slightly aged face. "How about a quickie for old times sake?" he said with a sly grin. 

_Reader 1: Oh! I get it! _Old times_!!! LOL! _

Reader 2: Wow...you're a quick one. 

**They headed over to Draco's mansion, the one he had inherited twenty years ago. In Draco's old bedroom, Harry said, "Wow. This is just like when we were back in Hogwarts." **

Draco took a seat on his old bed. "Yeah. We had a lot of fun back then, didn't we?" 

"We can still have fun," said Harry. 

_Reader 2: Oh, god. You can't be serious. They're...they might break a hip! _

Writer: You are so agist. *scoff* 

**In no time at all, Harry was on Draco and they were making out. Draco moved his hands into Harry's pants. He started rubbing Harry's old balls.**

_Reader 1: Harry old balls!!!!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!! _

Reader 2: Oh, god. 

Writer: :o) 

**Just then they heard a knock on the door. **

"Draco, darling, are you in there?" Pansy called from the other side of the door. 

Draco rolled his eyes. "No. Go away." He resumed kissing Harry. 

"You can't trick me with that again!" cried Pansy. "That's it," she said after waiting a moment, "I'm coming in there. Alohomora!" The door clicked and she stormed in there. Pansy let out a gasp. "What? What is this, Draco?" She looked like she was on the verge of tears. "You told me you were impotent!" she wailed. 

"Only with you, dear," Draco said, coldly. 

Then there was a loud cracking sound, and Ginny was standing in the room looking worried. 

"Harry! I've been looking everywhere for you. Someone told me they saw you with Draco, so I thought I'd check here, but I didn't think you'd actually be here. Especially...um..." Ginny turned a shade of red to match her hair. 

"I...um..." Harry was at a loss for words. "Well, um...you're welcome to join us," he said, smiling weakly. 

Ginny's face went slack. "Oh, well in that case..." She hopped in to bed with the two of them. 

"What about me?" Pansy asked, still blubbering. 

"Ugh. If you must," Draco resigned. 

Then they heard a bunch of cracking sounds. Practically everyone Draco and Harry had had meaningless sex with suddenly appeared in the room. All except for those who were dead of course...that's just gross. 

"The Ministry was alerted to a wizarding orgy taking place here," said Blaise. 

Draco and Harry looked at each other. Though they had wanted to have a good shag alone, neither could resist a full blown orgy. So all the wizards and witches went to it, the orgy to which all the smutfics had been culminating. 

_Writer: The end. _

Reader 1: Hm... 

Reader 2: Yeah, my thoughts exactly. 

Writer: What? You didn't like the massive senior orgy at the end? 

Reader 1: No comment. 

Reader 2: Ditto for me. 

Writer: Oh, come on! 

Reader 1: You didn't describe any smut! Where was the smut?! Where was the love? Where was the thrusting and the bucking??? 

Reader 2: Yeah, where was the bdsm? 

*crickets* 

Writer:...um...well, the love and stuff, that was in the main fic. This was just an epilogue. 

Reader 1: Very disappointing. 

Reader 2: Extremely. 

Writer: Fine. Let's see the two of you come up with a better epilogue then! 

Reader 1: Alright... 

Reader 2: Oh, it'll be much better. You'll see...*wink* 


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor, Parody