Final Fantasy VIII 1. Pain Nobody Knows

Disclaimer: As much as I enjoy writing from this category, I would hope by now everyone would figure out that I do not own Final Fantasy 8. And I would just like to note that Seifer is my all-time favorite character, and that Seifer/Selphie is my all-time favorite pairing. If you're reading this and you support Selpher (or Selfer, however you spell it), then please email me: seraphgal@yahoo.com. 

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Tears of the Knight

Chapter One: Pain Nobody Knows

The people scattered before them like leaves tossed by the wind. Mothers gathered their children and ushered them quickly into homes. In their haste some people had dropped bags they had been carrying. The discarded items were strewn across the road haphazardly. Curtains were drawn and stores were abandoned by their owners. The once busy town now seemed deserted.

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Just once, can't someone stand still long enough to figure out we're not here to hurt anyone? They judge us before they even know us. Time has passed, things have changed... we have changed. Surely people can see that? But no, these fools can't see past their shield of ignorance. They don't want to see the truth of the present; what they knew from the past is too comforting to give up.

No matter where he went, the people there treated him like a plague. The moment he came into view, they ran for their lives. They hid in their homes until he passed by with their curtains tightly drawn. They saw him as some kind of Angel of Death, come to take away their lives and the lives of everyone in the town. Even if he passed through a town completely unarmed, they were afraid of him. Only two would not hide from him, and these two traveled alongside him.

__

Fear overpowers these people. Fear makes them blind. Of all people, I should know exactly what fear can do to a person. I have witnessed with my own eyes pure terror invoked in people. I have seen horror, I have seen fright. Why am I surprised, then, at the reaction of these people? I know that they have good reason to fear me, but can't they see that things have changed since then? Or is their fear so great that their common sense has been blinded as well. To consume a person so... now that is truly a powerful thing.

The thing he hated the most was how the children reacted to his presence. He didn't mind adults being afraid of him; that was something to be expected. They all heard of what he had done and understood just how dangerous a man that made him. But to have children run away from him... He had never expected that to happen. To hear their small voices scream in terror as they fled to their mothers wounded his heart. 

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I've become a monster. Even the innocent, naively trusting children fear me now. My acts were so terrible that they turned me into a monster in the eyes of the world. No one outside my two friends sees me as a man any more. I'm shut off from the world of man, forced to traverse the earth with only two friends and no other soul to care about me. If only they could understand that I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant for children to scream at the sight of me. All I ever wanted was to be accepted. How can I be accepted now that they see me as a monster?

He hated being alone and he hated being in a crowd. Alone, he longed for company. In a crowd, they would only run from him. He had never had very many friends in his day but now he would never have any. He was a disease that no one wanted to catch. He was an Angel of Death, whom no one desired to go near or to be approached by. He was a monster without a heart or soul. At least, this was how they viewed him. They would never suspect it, but he still had feelings.

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They don't understand what it's like to be hated by complete strangers! They just don't get it! It's not like I enjoy being hated no matter where I go! I don't relish in the fact that I cause people to flee just by stepping into a town! Not one of them has to live daily with the guilt I go through! They don't look at their hands and see bloodstains only they can see. They aren't reminded of their crimes with every step they take. They aren't forced to endure the loneliness. They don't wake up and realize that almost everyone would rather they be dead. No one understands my pain.

He often felt closed off from humanity. Even having his two friends around did little to help. He was forced to sleep in damp caves and thick forests because no towns would accept them in. There was nowhere he could go; there was no longer a place for him in this world. He once had a home, but his efforts to be accepted there had proved futile. They would never let him back in now. If he tried to go, they would most likely kill him. 

__

Some days I wish I could pull the trigger and end my miserable life. If I were alone, I'd do it and get it over with. Unfortunately, my friends won't let me. I know it's a coward's way out and that it's hardly the honorable way to go, but I just don't give a damn any longer. No one cares if I live, so why should I? Why should I struggle through ever day being hated when I can end it all? Damn them both for keeping me here to be tortured. I have nothing to live for, not a damn thing.

He didn't want his friends to see him cry. So he bottled it all up inside until it nearly overwhelmed his body. He couldn't sleep most nights, as he was haunted by the things he had done. He would stay awake and listen to the crickets chirping. If he was in a cave, he would explore around to look for underground rivers and the like. If he was in the woods, he would gaze up at the stars and wonder if even Hyne no longer cared about him. He did manage to get some sleep that wasn't accompanied by dreams. Most of the time, however, his past came to haunt him.

During the night he would think back on how he had acted before this happened. He admitted to himself that he hadn't exactly been the friendliest of people. In fact, he'd been a downright ass. He had been known to push unsuspecting kids to the ground just for the fun of it and he took a strange delight in making fun of other people. He knew now that this was just an expression of his own insecurity. He wanted to be accepted but he never gave people a good reason to accept him. It was no wonder he didn't have any friends back then; he had been a jerk to everyone he knew, and an imposing bully to everyone in general.

Things hadn't gotten much better for him. Doing all those terrible things was like tying his own noose around his neck. He was exiled from any form of civilization for the rest of his life; he couldn't speak to anyone outside his two friends without them running away; busy metropolises became ghost towns from his mere presence; and no one would know just how much it hurt him to watch it all happen. He hadn't been touched by another person in such a long time. He hadn't been hugged since he was a boy. With a stab of sadness he realized that what he had never done would continue to be undone for the rest of his days.

He bore the weight of every person he had wounded, whether personally or by something he had done. The weight was unbearable at times and it threatened to crush his body. Some of the names went along with people he had grown up with. They would hate and fear him now, too. He understood that what he had done was wrong, but that didn't make the past be erased. He felt hopeless and helpless. There was nothing he could do that would make them stop hating him for what he had done. Saying he was sorry for his crimes wouldn't bring dead people back to life; confessing his sins wouldn't make them be gone from memory. He was trapped in a net he had woven himself, and he could find no escape.

The world wanted Seifer Almasy dead, and yet he lived. Death would have been easier to deal with than what he went through every day. To be unloved and unwanted by everyone in the world except for two people tore his already ragged emotions to shreds. His friends kept him alive, but all that did was make him go through more torture. He didn't see the point in prolonging something that everyone else in the world wanted. He had no reason to live in the world any longer. He was just tired of crawling under his guilt and the constant fear and anger directed at him.

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Nobody will miss me when I'm gone... 


	2. Damned and Damning

Chapter Two: Damned and Damning

If only he were as void of emotions as they thought him to be. If he were, if indeed he had no sorrow to burden him, he could pass through the rest of his life easily. Unfortunately his heart still bore emotions. He still felt loneliness, guilt, regret, and sadness. Not even his two closest friends could understand how he felt. They hadn't been with him the entire time; they hadn't seen what he had seen, done what he had done. Indeed they were guilty of crimes, but those were petty compared to his sins. He wished he could go back and change things, make them better somehow. But he knew that wishing would do him no good. What was done could not be undone; it could not be forgotten, could not be forgiven.

_Those people do not see me as I really am. But I know in my heart that I deserve their blows of hatred. I was a heartless man before this happened to me. I couldn't understand that what I was doing hurt anyone. That's right: I was myself without morals. Who was I to judge others? Who was I to look down on them? Injustice. These people... I was much like them, before I was forced to see the error of my ways. I was so blind back then. But why must this torture continue? I've learned my lesson; I've repented. Hyne, can't you make them understand?_

_I'm still human, after all._

"Seifer?" He pulled out of his thoughts to look over at his friend. "You okay?"

"That is perhaps the dumbest question you've ever asked me. Why don't you _think_ before you open your mouth?" He knew he shouldn't take out his frustration on his friends. It wasn't their fault he went through this: it was his fault, and his alone. If anything, they should be frustrated at _him_ for all that they had to go through. "I didn't mean that. Sorry."

"It's okay, ya know." Seifer sighed and continued to stare out into the fast blue sky. The sun had no right to be that bright while he was in darkness. As he stared up at that great expanse of blue, his mind drifted. He thought back on a time when he, Raijin, and Fujin were fishing by the docks.

It had been a sunny day much like the one he was experiencing now. He was sitting with his line dangling in the water, waiting in vain for fish to nibble. Fujin opted to watch her brother and friend at the sport. The day was calm and peaceful until Raijin leapt to his feet, declaring loudly that he had caught a fish. Seeing that he had had luck, Seifer threw down his pole in frustration. Fujin sensed that a fight was about to ensue and promptly pushed her brother into the lake with her foot. The large man went tumbling into the cool lake, a column of water gushing to the surface. Seifer burst out laughing, which surprised both Fujin and Raijin: he had never been one to laugh very much. Looking like a black wet dog, Raijin pulled himself back onto the dock.

That was when Seifer saw it flash overhead. He glanced up, his mouth falling open. He knew that it wasn't just his imagination, but he still couldn't believe he was seeing it. He felt a pang in his heart as he watched it pass them by. That had been his home for so many years, and now he could never go back to it. He would never see puberty boy or chicken-wuss again, although he hardly lamented on _those_ losses. He would never see Rinoa or Quistis, either. _Big deal.__ I don't care._ He would never see the headmaster again. _Oh, well. No loss there._ And there was that girl... that messenger girl. What was her name?

_Selphie__ Tilmitt..._

He tried to convince himself he didn't care, and back then he believed it. Now things were different. He _did_ care about these people. He had grown up with them, had shared childhood with them. They hadn't exactly been close during their teenage years but they were still a part of each other's lives. To have that taken away from him forever... To never see them again... He couldn't bear the thought. As unfriendly as some of their faces had grown to be, he wanted to see them. He could never be with them now that the world condemned him as inhuman. He was locked in the sins of his past, forced to carry them with him.

They that are the damning never think of what the damned go through. They that are the torturers never think of the wounds they inflict on the tortured as being painful. They that fear monstrosity never consider that there is a human behind what they see as a monster. It was a lonely existence to lead.

_Does anybody know what I'm living for?_

~  ~  ~  ~  ~

Standing with her face covered in the dust of battle, she stood there with her weapon still clutched in her fists. Her eyes flashed, searching for the enemy. But there were no more enemies left for her to face. Her teeth rested on her lower lip. Her petite frame shivered, though the atmosphere was humid. A hand rested on her shoulder. Startled, she turned to face a taller young woman. This fellow female offered her a sympathetic smile.

"It's okay."  
"It still hurts, Quisty!" whined the petite girl. "Every time I close my eyes, I see their faces."

"I know," sighed Quistis, nodding her head. 

"It's not fair! They shouldn't have had to die!"

"There are many lives that are unjustly lost. Many people lost loved ones; it wasn't just you."

"I know," sniffled Selphie, wiping a hand across her cheeks, smearing her tears into the dust. "I guess... I guess it hurts more for me because... he was with us in the orphanage. He wasn't just some nameless face; he was someone we all knew." Her face, usually so bright and cheerful, was now dark and angry. "He had no right to take their lives away like that! He never said why he did it, either! I hate him!" She glared angrily at the ground.

_Did he even feel anything when it happened? Did he even care the slightest bit that he was snuffing out all those lives? It wasn't as if he was only destroying inanimate objects with no heart or soul; these were people! These were students with hopes of a future; these were teachers with families; these were unique individuals that all had beating hearts! He took away their future, their plans, everything! Did he even know all that he was taking away from them? The Garden could be brought back, but those people can never come back!_

Angry tears glimmered in her eyes. She pressed her hands to her face and sobbed into them. Her mind went back to the most horrifying day she ever experienced: the parade to honor the sorceress Edea. The pagan rituals scared her; seeing all those people cheering on the sorceress gave her an eerie chill down her spine. Then she saw Seifer standing at the right hand of the sorceress. She had seen him before during the SeeD exam, but he seemed different now. His face was stony, his eyes pure steel. He stood there with a chilling smile playing on his lips that gave her the impression that he was enjoying this.

_Some day I'll tell you my romantic dream!_ She wondered if his romantic dream included the slaughter of hundreds of innocent lives. She brought her wet fingers away from her face and stared mournfully at her friend.

"Could I... be alone for a second, Quisty?"

"Of course. These things take time to heal." She gave Selphie a hug and exited the training room.

_I hate him. He can't be human, he can't really have feelings. To take away all those lives and still not show any sign of regret... Even Squall shows emotions some times. How could he do this to us? How could he possibly do all those things and not even care? I didn't get to know him well, but from what I saw I thought him to just be a guy that liked showing off. But to go so far as to killing people? Why did he do it? I just don't understand..._

Days had passed since she and her friends defeated the sorceress Ultimecia. They heard rumors that Seifer was still alive, somehow. Reports of him going through several towns flew in, but so far no more casualties. Sluggishly, things were getting back to normal in Balamb Garden. They could never be exactly the same again. There were three gaps missing that everyone was aware of, though they tried in vain to ignore it. Students became so used to seeing the posse prowl the hallways that the Garden seemed empty without them. They had been hated and feared even before any of this happened, but still... still... Another wound left by him for them to heal.

How long had it been, really? Sometimes it felt like time had stopped entirely. She had to check the clock and her calendar just to make sure the world was still turning. It had been about a month since Ultimecia was defeated. It was still hard for her to go through the day without remembering her friends back in Trabia Garden. She would find herself longing to go there, only to plummet herself back into reality by remembering that there was no longer anywhere for her to go except twisted wreckage. She knew Seifer was still alive, and wondered how he could dare survive when there were so many out there that wanted him dead.

_What did he go through in the past month?_ she couldn't help but wonder.

~  ~  ~  ~  ~

"Guys?" Fujin and Raijin glanced over at him expectantly. He was standing with his back against the trunk of a tree, his two friends on either side of him. He had his eyes focused on the horizon. "I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I've decided something."

"What's that?" asked Fujin. Seifer allowed a thick pause as he closed his eyes for a moment. When he was ready, he opened them again.

"I want to see them again."

"Who?" questioned Raijin.

"_You_ know who."

"But Seifer... they'll kill you," protested Fujin.

"They won't see me. I just... want to see them, that's all. I miss their faces." The siblings exchanged looks of bewilderment. This was something they had definitely not expected him to say. "I know it sounds crazy, but I do. I haven't seen any of them for a month. I might not _ever_ get to see them again for the rest of my life. I just want to see them, even if it's from a distance. Okay?"

"Uh, okay. I mean, if you wanna risk it, ya know," shrugged Raijin. Seifer shook his head.

"Maybe being shut out from the rest of the world has made me lose my common sense. I don't really know. I'm just... really lonely, and I'd like to see faces of people I know. Faces that won't turn and run away from me." He knew that what he was suggesting was reckless and irrational, but that was how lonely he had become over the past month.

_The damned have the right to see the faces of the damning._


	3. Glimpses

Chapter Three: Glimpses

Laughter. The voices of other human beings talking cheerfully with one another. He had almost forgotten what that sounded like. His ears had grown so used to hearing the panicking shrieks of retreating forms, had become so accustomed to hearing the pounding of feet as they sped away from him, that these sounds of joy were quite foreign to him. To feel happy... He hadn't been happy in years; he could barely remember the last time he was happy. That day long ago on the dock felt like it had taken place in an entirely different lifetime. He had for so long been shut off from human contact that to be near them once again made him uncomfortable and nervous that at the slightest movement they would flit away like frightened deer.

_I never wanted to be a part of that in the past,_ he realized. _I wanted to be accepted, but I didn't want it badly enough. Now I want it more than anything in the world. If only for a moment they would see me as a human again, if I could only be there... But I know that the moment they see me they'll either run away or try to kill me. Maybe I should let them do it. I should just step out and let them end my life. I won't fight back; I don't care about living any longer. How can I care about a life that so many others are proving is worthless and even hated?_

But the students had gone back inside the Garden walls, closing him off even more from humanity. Glancing both ways to make sure there were no stragglers, he came out from his hiding place and approached the school that he had once called home. He had grown to know the Garden extremely well in his time as head of the disciplinary committee, and could tell that nothing had externally changed. This sameness he found comforting, and he knelt down next to a patch of flowers that were growing near the Garden gates. He could still hear the students chatting away inside; just to be close enough to hear their slightly muffled voices was good enough for him. He smiled, glad that Fujin and Raijin had declined in coming along. This was something he had wanted to do by himself.

He went around to the side of the Garden, where he knew was a window that looked into the cafeteria. He crawled through the dirt to reach this window and had to crouch very low so he couldn't be seen once he reached it. If he tilted his head at the right angle, he could just make out the activity inside. All that separated him from the students in the cafeteria was a thin sheet of glass and metal. It seemed to him like they were on separate sides of the world. He was grateful for even this small glimpse of his fellow man, though he was risking a great deal by coming here.

_Let them find me,_ he found himself thinking. _You think I give a damn if they kill me? Go ahead and let someone see me. I couldn't care less._

The students were blissfully unaware that lurking underneath the cafeteria window was the feared sorceress knight that had attacked their Garden a month ago. Seifer considered going back now that he had done what he came to do, but a new figure darting into the cafeteria caught his attention. The person went blazing through the line as if it meant the difference between life and death to get to the food. He recognized the person instantly and felt the familiar surge of annoyance well up in him. At the same time, he was sort of glad to see this person again. It was true they had never liked each other, but they were still part of each other's lives, and that meant a great deal to him now that he had no one.

The glass inconveniently blocked out a large part of the noise in the cafeteria, but Seifer would bet his gunblade that the zealous youth was asking for hotdogs. Sure enough, he was given the desired food and shoved it down his throat without further delay. Even with the world seeming to have tipped itself over on top of him, Seifer was glad to see that some things hadn't changed a bit. Following on Zell's heels was a girl with pigtails. Seifer couldn't remember her name, but he knew that she was in the library all the time. She calmly chose a place and seated herself; Zell plopped down in the chair next to hers with his tray loaded with hotdogs. He started shoveling down his lunch without even pausing to chew. The girl watched this process warily, ready at a moment to help him if he happened to choke. 

Seifer had to turn away at this point to bury his face in the dirt and let out the laughter that had been bubbling. But the moment of merriment passed, leaving an empty hole that was soon filled with the familiar pang of sorrow. Everyone in the Garden was so much happier now that he wasn't around. The world in general was happier without him. What, then, was the point of prolonging his life when everyone was so much happier without him? They would probably throw a big party if he died, and then things would go on as if he hadn't even existed. He pulled away from the window, reluctant to leave yet knowing he couldn't stay there forever. He carefully edged his way back to the main entrance. Slowly, carefully he pushed himself back to his feet. He froze, his breath catching in his throat. 

There, standing at the Garden doorway, was Selphie Tilmitt.

They stared at each other for a long time. Selphie's eyes were wide, her mouth slightly open in shock. Seifer didn't know what to do or say. He just kept his hands at his side, palms facing out so she could see he was unarmed. The silence was agonizing. He almost wished she would scream, just so it would be broken. Finally Selphie remembered how to move and her eyes narrowed in anger.

"What are _you_ doing here?"

"I just wanted to see the Garden again," he answered. He took a step towards her, and she instantly tensed up.

"Stay away from me! Don't come any nearer!!" The fear was evident in her eyes, though she was making a valiant effort at masking it with her anger. Usually if he got this reaction, he would simply sigh and walk away, but for some reason he didn't this time. He took another step towards her, and this time she stepped back a pace. "I said to not come any closer!"

"I'm not here to hurt you," he told her as gently as he could.

"Liar!" she shrieked. "You killed all my friends in Trabia Garden! Of _course_ you're here to hurt!" Being reminded of what he had done to Trabia was like being slapped with a frying pan. What had he been thinking when he did that unspeakable horror? He had almost done the same thing to Balamb, his _home_... He had indeed become a monster while serving under the Sorceress.

"I know that being sorry won't bring them back, but I am." 

"Why did you do it?" she demanded. "Why did you take all of those lives away?"

"I--" He searched his thoughts for an answer, but could find none. He had only been halfway aware of himself when he was with the Sorceress. He hadn't exactly done those things of his own free will, but then again he didn't put up much of a struggle. "I've been asking myself the same question for a month now. I wish I could tell you why I did all of those things, but I just can't. All I can say for sure was that I regret it deeply." Selphie's angry face softened. 

"Seifer, I don't know if I can forgive you just yet, but... I don't feel angry any longer."

"That's a start," he sighed, smiling sadly. Her eyes were on him, and he turned his own dark orbs away.

"What are you really doing here?" she asked him, her voice much softer now. 

"I... would really rather not say," he muttered. But he could still feel her eyes on her and when he looked up he saw her gazing at him expectantly. "I haven't had a soul to talk to other than Fujin and Raijin for the longest time. I hardly ever get to see anybody; they all run the second they hear me coming. I just wanted to come here and see people. I know this sounds really stupid, but I just miss being around other people." 

"I had no idea it was like that for you," she said. Seifer could almost believe that the expression she had was one of sympathy, but that was impossible. After all that he had done, no one was going to feel sorry for him. She moved towards him timidly. 

"Worse," he spat bitterly. "Unspeakably worse." He turned his eyes away again. There was something about her own cheerful orbs that he liked and yet at the same time he couldn't bear to let her see the turmoil that raged in his. "Listen, I gotta go before someone sees me." He awkwardly stepped away.

"You risked that by coming here," she reminded him.

"I know, but... I just need to go." He walked backward, keeping her in his line of vision for as long as possible. Here was someone he had carried on a conversation with, and it seemed as though she believed him when he said he was sorry for what he had done. 

"To where?" she persisted. "Where will you go?"

"Everywhere, and nowhere, because that's where I belong."

"Nowhere?"

"Yes. Well... good-bye, Selphie." He turned around and made the lonely trek back to where Fujin and Raijin were waiting for him. The only two people in the whole world that awaited his return...

Selphie watched him go, a lump forming in her throat. No one deserved to go through what Seifer was going through, no matter how horrible the crime had been. He was still human, after all; she could see that now. Seifer's face had been smudged with dirt and his clothes were rumpled with being in the grass. To be forced to crawl in the dirt just to be able to see another human face... She couldn't even imagine what that felt like. 

Tears formed in her eyes. Quietly, she wept for the sorceress knight. 


	4. Who Cares, Anyway?

Chapter Four: Who Cares, Anyway?

The distant sound of the tardy bell ringing brought her back to the real world. She quickly wiped away the tears that had been coursing down her cheeks and slowly entered the Garden. All around her she could see students wandering around in the halls; some were responsible enough to jet to class before they were counted tardy, but there were also a great many that chose to skip. Without a disciplinary to keep tabs on these skippers, they could get out of class and not be taken to detention. Her heart sank watching them. As much as the students hated the posse, the three at least kept order in the halls. Squall and Headmaster Cid did what they could, but it just wasn't the same, and everyone knew it. 

Selphie didn't have a class to go to right now; she was glad of it. She had a lot on her mind and needed the time to shift through her thoughts. She headed for the Quad, one of the best places to do some thinking. She couldn't get Seifer out of her head. The swirl of sorrow in his eyes, the look of anguish on his face.... He hardly seemed like the same person anymore. The Seifer she knew was always confident and never showed such signs of weakness. Had things been so terrible that the walls he built around himself had crumbled? He had looked so vulnerable, where in the past he had seemed invincible. 

_He told me he doesn't belong anywhere,_ she thought. _I wonder what that feels like, to not have anywhere to go? I lost a lot of friends when Trabia was destroyed, but I still had a place I could call home. He doesn't have anywhere, or anyone. What's that like, knowing that there are only two people in the whole world that like his company? Everyone else runs away... But I didn't. I won't run away. I know he did terrible things, but hating him won't bring them back. Treating him like the plague and shutting him off from the world isn't going to change what he's done. It's only hurting him to be left alone..._

"Selphie!" She looked around for the source of the voice. She knew it well, and was smiling even before she spotted the girl who called her. 

"Hey, Rinny!" she greeted. The raven-haired girl ran over and threw her arms around her shorter friend. 

"I'm so glad to see you!" cried Rinoa in delight. Selphie was just as happy to have her friend back, and told her so. Rinoa smiled in embarrassment and together the two girls found a spot to sit down and talk. "I'm happy to be home. Esthar is nice to visit, but... there's no place like home." Things had certainly changed since the defeat of Ultimecia. People had hated and feared the previous sorceress, but everyone loved Rinoa. 

"I liked Esthar," said Selphie, remembering her visit to the city. "How's Laguna?"

"Same as always." A fond smile appeared on Rinoa's lips. She turned to Selphie and the smile faded. "Oh, Selphie. What's the matter?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've been crying! Are you all right?"

"Oh!" Selphie covered her tear-stained cheeks with her hands. "I-- I'm okay, Rinny." She flashed a smile to assure her worried friend.

"Well, okay. But if you need to talk, I'll always be here."

"I know... Hey, why don't you go see Squall? I bet he's missed you!" Rinoa flushed a deep red. Selphie giggled and nudged the girl playfully. "He's been moping around since you left! He's so pathetic without you!"

"Oh, stop it!" giggled Rinoa. "Okay, I'll go see him. Take care, Selphie." She waved and left the Quad. Selphie breathed out a sigh. 

She knew it wouldn't have been a good idea to tell Rinoa about Seifer. She didn't want the Garden to become worried or frightened, and she didn't want Seifer to be in any danger. As she watched Rinoa's figure disappear, she wondered about her relationship with Seifer. She knew that Rinoa liked the guy; she had confessed that much when they all thought he had been executed. But what had he thought of her? Did he like her back and just not show it, or did he not care? 

_Why do I care?_ Selphie asked herself.

~  ~  ~  ~

_Why was she looking at me like that?_ he kept wondering. _It was almost as if she cared about me... but that's ridiculous! No one cares about me except for Fujin and Raijin. Why should anyone else care, after what I've done? Fujin and Raijin.... they're all I'm living for these days. They must know that, or else they wouldn't stick with me. I wouldn't blame them if they left. I wish they would... then I can die and get my miserable life over with._

But then he thought of Selphie. He remembered her cheerful, gentle eyes. She wasn't afraid of him... she didn't hate him. He had an actual conversation with her. He had felt human again. He hadn't known Selphie very well before he became the sorceress knight, but he remembered how they first met. He relayed that moment in his mind: a girl in a Garden uniform tumbling down the rocks and somehow landing without doing any serious damage. She had smiled and laughed it off; he remembered wanting to smile with her, and not because of her clumsiness. And now, being with her, he felt human again...

_I wonder what she's doing now?_

Sitting there, alone in the dark cave he used as refuge, he hoped for the chance to see Selphie again.

Most of the time he found it hard to get to sleep. And when he did, he usually had nightmares. He had a restless night again; at dawn, he went out to watch the sun rise up over the eastern horizon. It was nice to watch the brilliant colors but he couldn't help but feel sad. Another day was beginning, another day where he had to continue living in this place that hated him and being forced to be apart from everyone.

He felt more miserable than usual. He knew it was because he had lost the happy feeling he got while being with Selphie, but he didn't admit this. Fujin and Raijin came and went; he was hardly aware of them. If they spoke to him he didn't hear. _This is the day,_ he decided. _I don't care what Fujin and Raijin say. I'm tired of living in a place where no one wants me. There's just no point any longer. I'll wait until they're gone, and then I'll do it. Everyone will be a lot happier when I'm gone; Fujin and Raijin will be too. Who cares, anyway, if I decide to throw my life away?_

His moment came around midday. Fujin and Raijin were going off to gather food in a forest some distance away. He waited until they were well out of sight before he put his plan into action. Hyperion was there waiting for him; he picked up his gunblade and heaved it up to where it touched his temple. A bullet to the head was the quickest way to go... He probably wouldn't even feel it. He didn't need to write Fujin and Raijin good-bye notes; they already knew how much he hated living each day. Seifer didn't feel the least bit afraid to die. He was ready for it... he almost looked forward to it. 

Just before he pulled the trigger, he paused. He saw a figure coming towards him. He lowered his weapon, trying to make out who it could be. The person was too small to be Raijin, but the build was different from Fujin. _Well, whoever it is, they'll turn tail and run the minute they see me,_ he thought bitterly. But the figure wasn't turning back. He could now see who his visitor was, and he dropped his gunblade in surprise. The girl waved to him and broke into a run. He stood there, numbed with shock. Before he could fully recover she was there.

"Hey!" she chirped in greeting. "Surprised ya, huh?" It took his mouth a while to remember how to work properly.

"You're... here," he said in disbelief. "How... did you know I was here?"

"Well, I just sort of figured it out, I guess!" She glanced around at the cave, her cheerful eyes glittering. "Wow, so this is where you live?"

"I don't live anywhere, Selphie," he told her. "I'm a nomad."

"Oh." Her brilliant smile faded. "Oh, that's right." Her eyes landed on Hyperion. "What were you doing?" she questioned him. This time he didn't look away when their eyes met. He liked her eyes too much to look away from them. 

"Not much," he lied. Staring at her, he was taken by the sudden urge to touch her. He hadn't touched another person in so long that it was getting painful for him. She had actually come t see him; he didn't want to scare her away now. But... he just _had_ to. He took a step towards her.

"I didn't tell anyone you were at the Garden," she said. That took him by surprise. 

"You... didn't? Why not?"

"They would've gone after you, and hurt you. I... didn't want that to happen." She blushed slightly. 

"You mean you _care_ what happens to me?" he asked in surprise. 

"Of course I care!" It made him happy to hear that, but... He sighed and turned away from her.

"You shouldn't. After all that I've done, I don't deserve it."

"Maybe so, but... I still care." He felt her hand rest on his arm. After going so long without the touch of another person, that single hand felt better than anything in the world. He even managed to smile a little. He turned to see Selphie giving him that same look she had before. She was smiling at him, something he would never have expected anyone to do. It had been _so_ long since someone smiled at him. Tentatively, he reached over with his other hand and placed it on hers. She actually allowed him to touch her. 

"Hey!" she sang, her eyes dancing. "You're _smiling_!"


	5. Can't Say

Chapter Five: Can't Say

She hummed happily to herself as she tidied up the Quad after a Garden Committee meeting. She was looking forward to the next dance they were to have, and wondered who would ask her. Her mind rested instantly on one name, and she flushed and smiled to herself. Someone entered the Quad. She heard their feet striking the ground, coming closer to where she stood. 

"Hey, there!" greeted a familiar voice. "You need any help?" Selphie turned to smile at her friend Irvine.

"All I can get!"

"Anything for you, pretty lady." He winked and rolled up his sleeves. Usually his flirts would make her heart flutter and her face turn red, but her mind was on something else. She just smiled and continued working. "What's that you're hummin'?" he asked her suddenly.

"Huh?"

"That song... it sounds like 'Eyes on Me'." 

"Was I humming that? I didn't even notice!" Irvine shot her a suspicious glare.

"What's goin' on?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're actin' awfully.... happy."

"I'm _always_ happy, Irvy!" she chirped. She said that casually enough, but she felt her cheeks burn. She had been thinking about Seifer when she started humming. She had just gotten back from visiting with him, and she still saw his smiling face in her mind's eye. He had touched her hand with his; it was a gentle touch, the one thing she wasn't expecting from him. His eyes were so sad when he looked at her, so full of loneliness and pain. There was something else about the way he had looked at her that made her flush to remember it...

"Sefie?" Irvine shook her lightly. "Hey, you been cooped up in here too long. You wanna take a walk with me?"

"I just _took_ a walk, Irvy," she replied.

"You did? With _who_?" His voice was heavy with jealousy.

"Nobody," she answered defensively. "I was by myself."

"Yeah, right," he snorted skeptically. "Gimme a break, Sefie. You're daydreamin' and hummin' a song. You were with _some_ guy, so just fess up and tell me who it is."

"_No one_," she insisted. But she wasn't very good at lying, and Irvine caught on. His expression dropped to one of hurt and disappointment. Selphie knew how silly it was of her to be daydreaming about Seifer, especially after all of the horrible things he had done, but he seemed so different now than when he was the sorceress knight. She wondered if this was the _real_ Seifer she was getting to know. Seifer didn't have any friends in the world now except for Fujin and Raijin. He _needed_ her friendship and kindness.

"Fine. Be that way," said Irvine, stalking out of the Quad. She felt bad about hurting his feelings, but if he only knew.... No, he couldn't know. If he knew, he would track Seifer down and possibly kill him.

The absence of Seifer seemed even more obvious to Selphie now that she had spoken to the former sorceress knight. The cafeteria was crowded with people but there was one table that remained empty. While in the Garden, the posse _always_ sat there to keep tabs on the students. Now there was no posse to keep order in the cafeteria, and often food fights or fist fights broke out. People cut in line and shoved each other; no disciplinary committee was close by to keep them from doing whatever they wanted. Squall was a good Commander, but he didn't intimidate the students like the posse did.

_We need the posse, and the posse needs us,_ thought Selphie as she took a seat. She stared over at the empty table where the three friends used to sit. She imagined them being there still, and wondered what they would do if they saw the cafeteria in this condition. Though no one really liked the posse that much, it was quite obvious that they were the only ones that could keep order in the Garden. Headmaster Cid and Squall could punish the students, but without the disciplinary committee to enforce it, their words were meaningless.

"Hey! Mind if I sit down?"

"Go right ahead!" Zell plopped down in a seat next to her. As usual, his plate was piled high with hot dogs. Instead of digging in, he turned to face Selphie.

"Who's the guy?"

"What?"

"Ah, c'mon." He nudged her playfully. "I _know_ you met a guy. Why _else_ would Irvine be going around asking every male in the Garden if they've been with you recently?" Selphie groaned in annoyance. She and Irvine weren't even dating. Why should he care if she was interested in another guy? _Am I interested in Seifer that way?_ "So come on!" urged Zell. "Tell me who it is!"

"Knock it off, Zell. Go eat with Kira."

"She's not off work yet," he said dismissively. "Come on, Sefie. I swear I won't tell Irvine."

"There's nothing for you to tell him. Irvy and I aren't even _dating_."

"But there _is_ a guy, right?" Selphie sighed wearily. Even if she _did_ feel that way about Seifer-- and she wasn't sure if what she felt was love-- there was no way she could tell Zell about it. Zell and Seifer had hated each other while in the Garden. If Zell knew that Seifer was alive, and not too far from the Garden... Selphie didn't know what would happen.

"I don't know," she answered honestly. "I'm not sure if what I feel is love, or something else."

"Well, just keep on seeing him. You'll figure it out." He patted her on the shoulder. "And good luck.... with whoever it is."

"Thanks, Zell." 


	6. Slow Falling

Chapter Six: Slow Falling

End it. Just make it all stop. It would be so easy, so painless. All he had to do was pull the trigger and it would all go away. He was hated by the world. They all wanted him dead, anyway. Why not give them what they wanted? They would be so much happier without him. They probably wouldn't even care that he was gone. _Good riddance. He was a monster anyway... Barely even human._ Fujin and Raijin would mourn for him but they would eventually move on. Why were they keeping him alive when there was nothing for him in this life? There was no love for him, no warmth, nothing but hatred and loneliness. He picked up his gunblade. He could not take back what he had done in the past and he could do nothing to make them forgive him. He didn't deserve their forgiveness. It was better to die......

_Then why am I hesitating?_

His gunblade was ready. He had it pointed to his head. His finger was on the trigger... but he didn't shoot. He wasn't afraid to die. He wasn't worried about any punishments he might get in the afterlife. He had repented of his sins a thousand times over; besides, he was being punished for them in life. He felt a little bad about leaving Fujin and Raijin behind, but they were strong and they would manage without him. They understood him best and would know why he finally had to take his life. 

_Why don't I pull the trigger?_

What was holding him back? What was keeping him from ending his miserable life? He didn't want to live in the world any longer. So why didn't he shoot? What was stopping him? His mind rested on a pretty girl in a SeeD uniform, smiling brightly at him as he touched her hand... Thinking of that smile made him feel warm inside. He brought his gunblade down. A smile of his own crept across his mouth as he thought about her. She wasn't afraid of him, like everyone else in the world. He could even start to believe that she forgave him for all that he had done.

_No! I don't deserve that! Especially not from her..._

Why was it her that forgave him? He had been responsible for killing all of her friends when Trabia Garden was destroyed. She had even said it herself! Why was she being so nice to him all of a sudden? Why had she touched him? Was it possible that she....? No, he couldn't fool himself in to believing that. It was probably just sympathy. But he didn't even deserve _that_. He wasn't strong enough to take it any longer. He had to end this once and for all. He took up his gunblade again. 

_Why can't I do it?_

He was ready to end it, but his mind kept wandering back to Selphie. All desire to die left when he thought about her. He ached to feel her hand again. He wondered how it would feel to have her small form in his arms. He shook his head, trying to get rid of these thoughts. What was he _thinking_? He couldn't touch her with his bloodstained hands. He couldn't let himself be with her. He had already caused enough pain for his two friends; he didn't want anyone else to suffer because of him. He had to die and save everyone from him. 

_But maybe she can save me..._

No, he had to die! He had to....

"Seifer!"

"Selphie...." His gunblade clanged to the ground, unused. The cheerful girl ran up to him and threw her arms around him. He was surprised at this action, but welcomed it with a smile. He gently put his arms around her and held her close. He had never been hugged before...

"Oh, thank Hyne! I thought you were going to--"

"I couldn't do it," he muttered.

"I'm glad." As much as he enjoyed this intimate touch, he was growing uneasy about the way she was clinging to him. He pushed her away. "Hey, what's wrong?" she asked, tilting her head to one side. He turned his head away so he wouldn't have to look at her.

"Why are you here?"

"Um.... well, I... I couldn't stop thinking about you. I had to come back, before you left for somewhere else." He dared a glance at her and saw her cheeks were flushed. He felt his heart sink down into the pit of his stomach. So, it was just as he had hoped... and feared. "Um... when _are_ you leaving?"

"Tomorrow," he said, though it was a lie. He, Fujin, and Raijin never had a plan on where they were going or when. 

"Oh." Selphie's face fell in disappointment. "No one in the Garden knows you're here. I... I was hoping you guys could stay a while longer."

"We need to keep moving. And _you_ need to get back to the Garden."

"Could I stay here until you guys leave?" He couldn't look away any longer. She was gazing at him with her beautiful eyes shining with hope and... No, it couldn't be. He had to be imagining it... _Love_.

"You would actually want to be here on the cold ground when you could be in the warm Garden?"

"If that's okay with you," she nodded.

"Why?"

"Well...." She dropped her head, smiling bashfully. "The more I spend time with you, the more I want to be with you. I couldn't stop thinking about you yesterday. While I was cleaning the Quad, I thought about you. Know what song I was humming?" He was too stunned to even shake his head. " 'Eyes on Me'," she whispered. He felt heat rise in his face. "Remember when we met during the SeeD exam? When you looked at me? I.... I've secretly liked you ever since."

"Selphie..." Why was she telling him this? She was looking at him in a way that he thought no one would ever look at him. He thought about his brief time with Rinoa and realized that not even she had looked at him this way.

"I wish you wouldn't go," she continued. "I promise I won't tell anyone you're here. Just... please stay."

"I..... can't."

"Please," she said again. She put her arms around him again and stared up at him pleadingly. He wanted to keep her in his arms, and wanted her as far away from him as possible all at once. He couldn't say what he was thinking, though he longed to shout it out: _Get away from me, please. You'll only get hurt. Go back to the Garden where you're safe. Don't touch me; don't care; don't... love me._ He didn't realize he was crying until the tears started trailing down his cheeks. 

"Seifer? What's wrong?" He couldn't speak, and he couldn't stop the tears. Selphie stood up on her toes and before he knew what was happening, he felt her warm lips on his. Horrified, he pushed her away. She stumbled back and almost fell down. Her eyes were wide in hurt.

"Don't! Can't you understand that you'll only be hurt?"

"I don't care," she said.

"Stay the hell away from me, Selphie! Don't ever come here again!" She gave him her most heartbreaking look. "I wish you hadn't done that," he muttered, looking away. "I won't be able to stop thinking about it."

"Good," she spat. "I hope it haunts you." She stalked away. He made sure she was well out of sight, then slowly sank down to his knees.

"I wish I had kissed you back..."


	7. A Thin Line

Chapter Seven: A Fine Line

She had to act like everything was normal. People would ask questions and wonder if they saw her upset. She put on a cheerful smile and tried to be more bubbly than usual, just so her true feelings wouldn't be shown. When she was safe in her room, she stumbled onto her bed and buried her head in the pillows. Of course his face popped into her head immediately. It had felt so right to kiss him, so right to have her arms around him. Why was he pushing her away from him? She was willing to forgive him after all he had done but he didn't seem to want it. Was it possible that he had become so broken that he couldn't love any longer? The thought scared her. _What if it's true? What if he can't love me?_

She hadn't meant to snap at him, but his words had deeply hurt her. _Stay the hell away from me, Selphie! Don't ever come here again!_ He had looked angry, but also scared. Scared of what? Why didn't he just tell her what was wrong? He had been crying. She never thought she would see the day when Seifer Almasy cried. _Could I have been the reason he was crying? I wish I knew..._ She wondered what he was thinking right now. Was he feeling as horrible as she was, or did he even care that he had hurt her feelings? She knew how she felt about him, but what were _his_ feelings? _If he doesn't love me... if he never does... I just don't know what I'll do._

~ ~ ~ ~

There was no way she would love him now. It was all for the better, anyway. She deserved so much better than him. If she stayed with him, she would have to be secluded from the world as well. Selphie just wasn't the type of girl to live that way. He could never do that to her. Even though he was convinced of that, it still had felt right to him somehow when he was holding her. Maybe if things had gone differently, they could've had a chance together. But they had no chance now; he had ruined it before he even knew what he was ruining. 

Her kiss was haunting him. It would be the first and only one he would receive from her.

~ ~ ~ ~

"Hey, Sefie." She managed to offer Irvine a bright smile. The cowboy put his arms around her and kissed her forehead. She thought of Seifer again, remembering how it felt to be in his arms. _I can't even go for a whole minute without thinking about him... and he tells me to never come see him again. I don't think I could do that._ Irvine must have sensed her unease, for he gazed at her in concern. "What's the matter, Sefie? You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," she lied half-heartedly. Irvine wasn't fooled for a second.

"No, you ain't. C'mon, you can tell me. You upset about somethin'?"

"Yeah," she admitted.

"Don't worry, Sefie. I'm here for ya." He rubbed her back soothingly. She couldn't help it: she burst into tears. Irvine and Zell were such good friends to her. Why couldn't Seifer be like them, instead of turning her away? What was he afraid of? Irvine let her cry, holding her close and kissing her head. She wished that Seifer had been so intimate with her. He had held her only once, and then pushed her away. _Is it possible he's afraid because I love him?_ "Sefie, don't cry."

"Sorry," she apologized, wiping her tears away. "I haven't exactly had the best day."

"It's okay. Now, you tell me what happened, and I swear to Hyne if anyone hurt you, they're gonna pay." She of course didn't want to tell him, but there was a part of her that wanted to pour out her worries. But there was no way she could tell Irvine why she was upset. _I'm still protecting him, even though he doesn't want me. It's because I love him too much to see him get hurt...... But... does he love me?_

"I'd rather not talk about it right now," she muttered. That was as much of the truth as she would reveal to him.

"That's fine. You just tell me when you're ready, then, okay?" He stroked her hair. She smiled at him. He was a flirt, but he was still a good friend to her. She could have loved him, if Seifer hadn't entered her heart first. 

"The man I love pushed me away when I kissed him," she heard herself saying. _What the-- Why did I tell him that?_ Irvine looked hurt but tried covering it up with a smile. 

"Maybe he didn't feel the same way."

"Yeah...." _That's what I was afraid of._

"I'm sorry he didn't. You're a wonderful girl, and he was lucky to have had your love." Selphie waited for him to ask, and sure enough: "So what idiot didn't want you?" Selphie didn't answer. "C'mon. I know it's not Zell, 'cause he's got a girl. Is it that... guy? You know, the SeeD that pilots the Garden."

"You mean Nida? No!" She had to get away before he figured it out. "It's really not important. Look, I got to go. Thanks for talking with me, Irvy." She slid out of his grasp and ran off. 

~ ~ ~ ~

"Seifer?" He didn't even turn his head. He stared blankly out into the sky, facing the direction of the Garden. He was just fooling himself. She wasn't going to come back, especially after what he said to her. He heard Fujin and Raijin approach. "Seifer, is something wrong?" Fujin's icy hand rested on his shoulder.

"You mean other than the usual?" he retorted bitterly. 

"I think it's time for us to move on, ya know."

"So do I," sighed Seifer. He stood up and picked up his gunblade.

"Seifer... what's that?" Fujin pointed to a piece of paper on the ground, held in place by a rock.

"That's for Selphie."

"_Selphie_?" echoed his friends.

"Yeah... I'll tell you about it as we go." 

~ ~ ~ ~

"Rinny, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure, Selphie." Several days had gone by, and Selphie had resisted the urge to go see Seifer. He was in her dreams every night, however, but in all of them she could never reach him. The idea of him not being able to love was really starting to bother her, so she had no choice but to ask the only person who would know. She sat down in a chair and sorted through her thoughts, trying to think of a way to begin.

"Why did you date Seifer?"

"Why?" Rinoa looked surprised at the question. "Well, he was handsome, and I guess his tough-guy facade intrigued me. Same reason why I fell for Squall, only Squall is so much sweeter. Being with Seifer was like being with a living rock or something."

"So... do you think he... loved you?"

"No." She shook her head. "I think he just put up with me." _Is that what he did with me?_ Selphie wondered. _Was he just "putting up" with me?_

"Do you... think he's capable of love?" The question had come out before she could stop herself. She just had to know, and Rinoa was the only person she could ask.

"Not after what he's done," she answered. Selphie hung her head; she could feel her heart shattering. So she had been right all along... Seifer had pushed her away because he couldn't love her in return. That was why he had cried. How horrible it must be for him, to have been so emotionally destroyed by all that had happened that he couldn't even love.

__

Poor Seifer. No wonder he tried to commit suicide... Oh, my Hyne!

"Sorry, Rinny, but I've got to go," she said hurriedly, getting to her feet. How could she have been so stupid, leaving Seifer by himself? Terrifying images of him lying on the ground with blood gushing from his head leapt irresistibly into her mind. Even though he couldn't love her, she didn't want him to die. 

"You okay, Selphie?"

"Yeah... I just remembered that I have to be somewhere."

~ ~ ~ ~

She didn't stop running until she came to the cave. Her lungs were about to burst and her legs were aching. While catching her breath, she searched the cave for Seifer. He was nowhere to be found, which was heartening; that meant he was still alive somewhere... Or did it? Fujin and Raijin could have buried him. She stood at the cave's entrance and tried to figure out what she should do next. Should she wait here for him to come back, or give up on him entirely? She hadn't quite made up her mind when she saw that a piece of paper was on the ground, held in place by a rock.

Puzzled, she knelt down and picked up the paper. It was a letter, and at a glance she recognized the handwriting to be Seifer's. Heart pounding, she brushed off the dirt that had collected on the letter and began to read:

__

My dearest Selphie, if you are reading this then that must mean you came back for me. I don't understand why you would have, especially after I pushed you away last time. Please don't follow me, whatever you do. I don't deserve your love after all that I've done. I'm so sorry I said those things to you, but I don't want to see you get hurt. I care about you far too much to make you go through what I'm going through.

You may say that you don't care, and that you'd be with me anyway. But you aren't suited for this life of hiding, and that's all my life promises to be. Please just try and forget about me, and find someone else to give your love to. That cowboy has a thing for you, if I'm not mistaken. You would have a good life with him, and I know he could make you happy. 

I'm sorry I didn't kiss you back. You'll be in my mind and heart until I die. Thank you for seeing me as a human being. I wish I had something to give you, but maybe it's better that you have nothing to remember me by. Good-bye forever. I love you, Seifer Almasy


	8. Doubts and Risks

Chapter Eight: Doubts and Risks

She had never been so confused in her entire life. She thought she had loved Irvine, but that feeling quickly faded as she saw him flirt around with other girls. And then she met Seifer. She had hated him for what he had done at first but when she saw the torment in his eyes, she realized there was more to the sorceress knight than just a heartless killing machine. Just when she had grown to really care about him, he left her. He wasn't coming back but she still went to his old cave one last time, just in case. She knew it would be the last time; she couldn't keep going there or people would start to wonder what she was up to.

But now that he was gone, she was more confused than ever. She reflected back on their short time together and wondered about her feelings for him. She now had to admit to herself that the reason she started to be nice to Seifer was because she felt sorry for him. Had that sympathy turned to love? The more days that passed and the longer she went without him, that answer didn't seem as clear to her. It had all happened so fast that maybe it _hadn't_ been real love. But she would never know for sure, since he was gone now.

Time slipped through her fingers. At first she could barely sleep for thinking of him. Was he all right? Was he even still alive? But the world kept going, and she had to keep going too. Days wore on and it got easier for her not to think about what had happened. She was able to sleep again and go about her normal business. Then came a day when she stopped thinking about him. That was when she truly started to question her feelings for him. Maybe, because no one else would love him, she convinced herself that she did, just so he would be happy.

__

He said that he loved me... but I don't know if I loved him. I cared about him, and I didn't want him to go through that pain alone, but did I love him? Oh, Hyne, I feel so stupid, so horrible. I just didn't know what I was doing. She so wanted to ask someone's advice, and the only person she could think of to ask was Rinoa. But she had already gone to Rinoa so much concerning this, and she didn't want her friend to worry about her. Who else could help her? The answer came to her, and she wondered why she hadn't thought of it right from the beginning: Irvine. He would understand better than anyone.

"Hey, Irvy."

"Hey, Sefie!" he greeted with a smile. He gave her a hug and she hugged him in return. She had so missed being held by the strong arms of a man. "You okay?" She smiled slightly; he always seemed able to tell when she was upset.

"Yeah. I just need to talk to you for a while."

"What about?" She allowed a pause. How _was_ she going to phrase this? She would have to stall him until she figured it out.

"Can we sit down first?"

"Sure thing." He steered her into the Quad, which was usually empty. They sat down on the stage. She was a little surprised that Irvine didn't put his arm around her, but was grateful for it. It meant he was going to seriously listen to her. She took a deep breath to steady herself, and started telling her story. She was careful not to mention Seifer by name, but still watched Irvine to see if he could figure out whom she was talking about. He didn't make a single interruption as she poured out the whole thing: how he had left her, and how she had questioned herself about her feelings. She finally talked herself out, and silently waited for his response.

"Damn, Sefie," he said finally, shaking his head. "Now, you know what I think about all this?"

"What?"

"I think you're just tellin' yourself you didn't love him so you won't be hurtin' as much. I think you love this guy a lot." She thought she detected a hint of jealousy in his voice, but perhaps she was just imagining it. "And I think he really loves you back; he just wants to see you happy."

"Maybe," she muttered. It didn't do her any good to think that he loved her; he was gone now, and he couldn't come back or he would be in danger. 

"Ya know, sometimes it's hard for guys to show how they feel. Sometimes they do really stupid stuff. But to want your happiness above his own... that's a sign of real love." Her face flushed hot. "I don't have any answers for you, but I promise I'll be here if you need me."

"Thank you, Irvy. I appreciate that more than I can say." She gave him a tight hug and smiled at him. It was her first genuine smile in weeks. 

Selphie was never happier than when she was organizing a festival, and so she had jumped at the chance to organize SeeD graduations. It felt to her that she had more fun at this SeeD graduation than her own. She had worked very hard to make the ballroom look good for the occasion and was so pleased when others appreciated her hard work. She especially loved it when people came up to her and complimented on the decorations, or the music selection. It was nice when she knew people appreciated all she did to make the night special.

"Hey, there, pretty lady. You mind if I have this dance?" She turned and had to summon up all her self-control to not tackle the man standing before her. "Or do ya still gotta play hostess for a while?" He gave her a sad look.

"Of course you can dance with me, silly!" she giggled. She offered him her hand, but just then the music was cut off. Puzzled, she glanced over at the DJ. His eyes were wide and he was motioning for her to come over. "I'll be back," she assured Irvine, and hurried over. All around her the newly graduated SeeDs were murmuring uneasily.

"Selphie, I don't want anyone to panic, but I just heard some very bad news," hissed the young student. "I already informed Commander Leonhart and some others."

"What's going on?"

"He's coming this way," came the cryptic reply.

"He?" repeated Selphie. The student nodded but didn't seem to want to explain himself. "Where's Squall now?"

"He went outside with Instructor Trepe, Rinoa, and Zell. You and Irvine better go out there, too. Just in case." 

"Yeah, I will. Thanks. Put the music back on; we don't want people to worry." She returned to Irvine, feeling very jittery. The music came back on and the dance continued. Irvine arched an eyebrow, questioning her with his eyes. "There's some trouble," she reported. "Squall and the others are outside. I think we'd better go out and see what's going on." He nodded in agreement. They went to their rooms to collect their weapons and headed for the front gate.

Squall and the others were already there. The DJ had looked frightened to Selphie, so she was edgy on what she would see. She stood beside Rinoa. The dark-haired girl acknowledged her with a nod.

"Glad you two made it," said Squall, barely above a whisper.

"What's goin' on here?" asked Irvine. "What's comin'?" Squall pressed a finger to his lips. Selphie could hear footsteps approaching. It sounded like three pairs of feet, and the owners didn't seem in much of a hurry. She clenched her weapon tightly, ready to attack. Her friends were quiet; all of them were tense and hardly allowed themselves to breathe. At last their visitors came into the light.

"_You_!!" shouted several voices at once.

"Not another step!" warned Squall, brandishing Lionheart. Selphie felt like her whole body had shut down. She stared and stared, not wanting to believe what her eyes told her.

"Why did you come back?" she asked flatly.

"I decided not to run any longer," he answered. "I'm not afraid to die, so there's no reason for me to hide."

"You made a _huge_ mistake coming back here!" shouted Zell. He rushed forward and slugged the taller man in the jaw. Seifer staggered back but didn't counter. Fujin and Raijin glanced at him, as if silently asking permission to fight back. Seifer ignored them, focusing instead on Zell.

"Go ahead and kill me if you want. I don't care." Zell stared at him in disbelief.

"You _want_ to die?"

"NO!" shrieked Selphie before she could stop herself. Her weapon fell out of her hands as she rushed over and threw her arms around Seifer. "Seifer, _please_! Don't throw your life away!" Needless to say, her friends were stunned. Seifer pushed her away. She stared up at him and met with his sad gray eyes.

"What I did can never be undone, but if my death brings justice, then so be it." Irvine came up and put a hand on Selphie's shoulder.

"It's him, isn't it?"

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "You were right, Irvy. I still love him."

"Then I spare his life." Irvine set his gun on the ground. Selphie was surprised, but not as much as Seifer.

"I can't do it, either," said Squall. "I still don't trust you, but... I can't do it." Quistis and Rinoa agreed, laying their weapons down. The posse looked shocked that their enemies would refuse to kill them.

"Thank you," managed Seifer. Squall turned and walked away, Quistis and Rinoa following.

"You just better not set one foot into the Garden," threatened Zell. He shoved Seifer roughly and stormed off.

"Make her happy, okay? Treat her right." Irvine and Seifer stared at each other. Irvine held out his hand, and after a moment of hesitation, Seifer shook it. Irvine picked up his gun and walked back in the Garden. Selphie was now alone with the posse.

"You came back. I can't believe you risked your life to come back."

"I didn't risk anything... except how you felt about me. I said in my note to love someone else, but at heart I didn't want that. I was risking that you _had_ moved on. I'm glad you didn't."

"So am I." She smiled, but the smile wavered when she saw the hint of tears in his eyes. "Seifer, what's wrong?"

"I'm... happy," he choked. He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her mouth.

****

~end


End file.

Final Fantasy VIII, Angst, Romance