1. Kinks

_Chapter 1: So, Do Vulcans Have Kinks Or..?_

_****I made this Chapter 1 instead because I think a lot of people thought the original first chapter was angsty, even though IT IS NOT. So THAT chapter is now chapter 2. That is all!***_

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The first time it happened was about 2 months into their relationship.

They slept in, which rarely ever happens, but it did due to the last mission they were on dragging out to an unnecessary length.

The aliens they had met with were very peaceful, not sneaky and nor were they dishonest. They weren't able to speak or show any type of expression though. In fact, their homes and temples were littered with art and writings clearly expressing what they felt if their voices and faces couldn't. Every word that came out of their mouths was the same tone. So, not only were they amazed when they heard humans in general speak, they found certain accents intriguing.

When they asked to study some of the crew's vocal chords, Kirk had declined because he was unaware to what the extent of studying would be.

The people of the planet were a bit fond of Chekov because of his enjoyment of sharing his embellished stories. They were interested in his accent.

So they tried to kidnap him.

They ended up distracting the aliens with Scotty's voice while Kirk and Sulu went in to get Chekov. Things got a little hectic because now they wanted Scotty as well, but in the end the aliens understood why no one would be staying with them for studying.

Both had awoken with a start when there was a banging on the door.

Kirk slipped on the first shirt he found on the floor and opened up the door.

"What the hell are you doin'!?" Bones snapped slapping his arm, "You've got a physical with me n' Uhura is lookin' for Spock!"

"We overslept Bones. Jesus you couldn't have called?" Jim snapped rubbing a hand over his tired face. He yawned and leant against the door frame.

"I did! Twice. I'm on my way to the mess to get coffee and you better be in medical when I get back or I will find you, make you sit down, and poor it in your lap," Bones threatened. Jim rolled his eyes as he listened to his friend mumble about 'Vulcans and their superior hearing my ass' as he made his way down to the lift.

He turned around as the door slid shut and rubbed at his nose. Spock was sitting up on the bed and looking at Jim like he had an extra arm.

"Well I overslept for my physical, but good news! Your shift hasn't started yet," Jim grinned, walking over to his desk. He clicked the silent off both of their coms and Spock raised an eyebrow.

"You put them both on silent.

"Indeed," Jim teased, tossing them back on the desk, "Yeah. Even with you saying how Vulcans don't need as much sleep and all that jazz I thought you looked pretty tired."

"That was unwise. We could not be contacted if the ship was-"

"Spock I think we'd know if the ship was under attack with or without the com."

Spock let out an almost exasperated sigh and stood. He bent down to pick up clothes and froze, looking back up at Jim. The blonde's eyebrows shot up in curiosity watching as the hybrid stood up straight.

"What?" Jim asked as he turned to open up his draws. He dug around looking for a pair of pants to put on. He was getting tired of regulation clothes and wondered if they could have dress down days; like Fridays or Sundays or one day a month.

You know, keep it a secret from Star Fleet. It'd be interesting to see what everyone would be wearing when they could wear what they please.

He pulled a pair of pants out and draped them over the dresser.

"You are wearing my shirt."

Jim looked down at the blue science shirt on him and blinked in surprise.

"Well I just grabbed whatever was on the floor to answer the door," Jim snorted, tugging at the collar. The shirt was a bit too big for him. "It smells like you." He went back to digging through the draws for a pair of socks.

"That would make sense, being as it is my shirt," Spock reminded, coming closer. He trapped Jim between his body and the dresser, hands resting on each side of Kirk gripping the durable wood.

He buried his nose into the short hair at the base of his mate's neck. He took in a slow breath and Jim tensed slightly.

"Is it okay?"

Spock hummed in question.

Kirk turned around in the little space he was trapped in. He looked up at Spock who was staring down at him, eyes dark and slightly narrowed.

"That I'm wearing your shirt?"

"It is enjoyable," Spock murmured. He ducked his head down to kiss at the blonde's neck. Jim let out a breathless laugh as his hands rested on the brunettes shoulders. Spock breathed in his own scent mingling with the blonde's and purred.

"Is this a kink of yours? Me wearing your clothes?"

"I do not have kinks," Spock said stubbornly, as he moved his hand to his lover's delicate neck. Jim leant into the touch smiling. His small smile grew as Spock kissed down the side of his face; eyes practically shut whispering 'ashayam' as he went.

"Sure. Spock I have a physical _remember_? Bones threatened me with hot coffee if I wasn't-" and to Jim's utter amazement Spock bit at his jaw and hushed him.

"Spock I-" he was cut off as he was lifted on to the dresser swiftly. "Never mind."

Jim ended up with a lap full of coffee.

XXX

The next time it happened Jim was freezing.

"Doctor McCoy, I believe the captain has a fever."

"_What_?" came the snarl, "_What'd the idiot do now_?"

"I highly doubt him becoming sick due to being underdressed on an ice plant is his fault," Spock replied into the comm. He placed another blanket over his shaking lover and sat down on the edge of the bed. Jim curled closer to Spock's waist, unconsciously aware of the new source of heat.

The Vulcan switched the com into his other hand and pressed his free one to the blonde's forehead. Yes, he was most definitely sporting a fever.

"_Can he get down to medical_?"

"Course'," Jim murmured against Spock's hip where his face was pressed. "You're warm Spock."

"He says he is able," Spock relayed to Bones. The doctor grumbled curses under his breath and disconnected the call without saying goodbye. Spock looked at the communicator for a minute before shutting it and clicking it to his belt.

"I believe we should get you to medical now."

"In a little while?" Jim pleaded, before he started coughing.

"No," Spock said simply. "Sit up now."

Jim whined low in his throat before coughing. He sat up slowly, slumping forward with his head hanging. He wrapped the smaller blanket around his shoulders and shivered.

Spock got up and went to get a jacket for him to wear.

"My ears feel clogged."

"Let us hope you do not have an ear infection," Spock responded pulling a zip up sweatshirt from Jim's closet. He unzipped it as he strode over to the blonde only to find him already in a sweater.

A familiar knit sweater with a long sleeved tee-shirt underneath it.

"I see you already have a sweater on."

"I found it in my draw," Jim smiled pulling the long sleeves over his hands. He laughed tiredly when Spock's eyebrow rose in disbelief. "How'd you wear this thing on Vulcan?"

"Our bodies are accustomed to the heat," Spock said folding the blue sweat shirt back up. "You must get up now."

Jim groaned, falling back on to the bed. He let out a weak cough and sniffled. He rubbed at his eyes and frowned. Spock found the sight oddly endearing, and he reached down to run his fingers through the blonde's hair. He had a strong urge to pull his mate up into his arms and simply hold him.

A sick Jim Kirk was a rather vulnerable and submissive person. Spock's nostril flared and he pursed his lips when the blonde sneezed.

"Ew my nose is running."

"If we travel to the Medical Wing sooner, it will decrease the time that you are sick," Spock reminded. "If you will not get up, I will be forced to carry you there."

"You wouldn't," Jim said opening one eye to pear up at him warily.

"Indeed I would."

"Lying Vulcan."

"Unbelieving Human."

Jim laughed weakly sat up again, sighing at the pain in his head.

"I rather be sick than get stabbed with hypos."

"If you did not have a conniption every time one was being administered, Doctor McCoy would not give you so many," the hybrid said, watching as his bond mate stood. He was ready to catch him if he began to fall. Jim whined and looked down at his feet which adorned two pairs of socks each. He pondered why he was still so cold while grumbling about how Bones enjoyed causing him pain.

"Head hurts," he said softly.

"I am aware. Shall we go now?"

"Yeah," Jim mumbled holding on to the Vulcans arm.

They slowly made their way down to the Med Bay where Bones was waiting with a pair of hypos.

"You've got the flu. Simple enough," Bones explained, "Let's give you this before you start throwing up."

Jim coughed and tilted his head to the side to itch idly at his neck. Bones raised an eyebrow.

"Spock can you wait outside? I just want to check him and make sure he doesn't got a rash. Things would be worse if this was the Measles or Chicken Pocks is all," Leonard said. He pointed to the door without looking up from the tricorder he was swiping over the blondes face. "Jim take that thing off," he added tugging at the sweaters sleeve.

"I highly doubt-"

"But there can be a rash. Now, unless you want to get the rash _too_, I'd advise you get out," he turned to Jim, "Kid take the damned sweater _off_."

"Doctor, you are speaking as if he already _has _one."

"Just get out you pointy eared-!"

"Spock," Jim cut in, "Just listen to him. I'll be fine. I don't feel well enough to listen to you two bicker."

The Vulcan pursed his lips. He'd much rather be near his mate when he was ill, to make sure things didn't get worse and to offer him comfort. He resisted the urge to pull the bond mate card and nodded before leaving the room. The door slid shut and Jim sighed, wishing the warm hybrid was pressed against his side.

He felt amusement flutter through the bond, and then Spock felt embarrassment flood back.

Bones pointed at the sweater.

"Off."

"Do I have to? M' cold," he muttered, arms tucked inside the sweater. The sleeves hung freely at his sides.

"Yes. Where'd you get that thing anyway? Looks like something a-"

"Shut up."

"It's the goblins isn't it?" Bones asked with a shit eating grin. Jim flushed (he blamed it on the fever later on when Leonard bought the incident up) and looked down at his lap. He shivered and reeled up to sneeze only for the feeling to disappear, causing him to frown in annoyance.

"Where'd _he _get it from? That's probably why you're... Itching. Looks like a mud rug with-"

"_Bones_," Jim hissed, "His mother made it. And I _really _don't want him to hate you since Vulcans _do _have superior hearing and he's _right outside_," he whispered. He glared at the doctor who had nearly dropped the tricorder.

"Oh," Leonard said softly, "That was- Sorry."

"Besides," Jim sniffled, "It's really warm and comfy. I think it's the per- Jesus! Warn a guy before you _stab _him!" he shouted hoarsely.

Spock did hear Bones, but he forgave him.

XXX

"Have you seen the Captain?" Uhura queried, "I wanted to give him this."

Spock looked up from the book he was reading. He was in the corner of the Mess Hall, and to his delight, the room was rather quiet. He had just gotten off shift and decided to get a bite to eat and read.

The novel belonged to Jim, one of the few things the blonde had in his room other than what was given as a standard. He was always curious as to why the blonde didn't possess many things. The only items the Vulcan had seen other than a few books was an old plastic toy ring, a glass Coca Cola bottle, a notebook full of letters and other papers that he hid under his bed, and his clothes.

The one book Jim had been shoving at the Vulcan when he had been observing them lined up neatly on his desk was _Lord of the Rings_. Spock was currently in the middle of reading _The Return of the King_. He was impressed by the trilogy and how extensive and detailed the background of Middle Earth was. The writing was spectacular and captivating; something the Vulcan expected Jim to enjoy. He found himself liking the stories as well.

He was also beginning to understand why Doctor McCoy would call him an elf every now and again. There were some remarkable similarities.

Spock peered at the soft blue envelope in between the Lieutenants pointer and middle fingers.

"I have not seen Jim since his shift ended," Spock replied, placing the book on the table. He shut it slowly, pursing his lips. "May I ask a personal inquiry?"

"Sure," she smiled openly.

"What is in that envelope?"

"A birthday card," she replied. She held it in both of her hands now, her smile faltering upon watching both of the Vulcan's exotic eyebrows pop up. "You… Didn't know?"

"I was not aware," he murmured, looking down at his hands clasped over the book. _Why had Jim not mentioned anything?_

"I just, well I thought you'd know," she shrugged. She worried the corner of the card with the pad of her thumb. "Tomorrow is the date that the USS Kelvin was destroyed, 26 years ago."

"That is a logical implication. I failed to remember that tomorrow was the day the Kelvin was destroyed as well as the birth of our Captain."

"People forget things," she mentioned, "I just wonder why he hadn't said anything to anyone. Or to _you_ really. I guess, it wasn't such a happy day, but he must celebrate right? He likes to party every now and again," she chuckled weakly.

"Yes. I too wonder why he has not mentioned it to anyone at all."

She looked down at the card in her hands and frowned, biting at the inside of her cheek.

"Maybe I shouldn't give it to him."

"Uhura, I believe the Captain would appreciate the gesture whether or not he expected it or desired one," Spock promised, "He is many things, but impolite is not one of them."

"You haven't seen him at a bar piss drunk."

"You cannot imply he is anything short of polite while he is heavily intoxicated."

"Yeah," she sighed, "I guess not. Do you think you could give it to him?"

"Nyota, I do not think-"

"Don't think! Please. Just for me?" she asked, eyes practically begging. Spock wondered why he should do anything for her, but he practically heard Doctor McCoy in his head nagging_ 'humans do nice thing without a cause remember ya__'__ damned elf'_. It was illogical to hear voices in one's head, and Spock blinked momentarily.

He opened his mouth, only to let out an exasperated sigh through his nose. He plucked the card from her petite hands and she squealed in delight.

"Thanks so much! Crap I'm going to be late for my shift. See you around!" she called as she hurried from the mess. Several people were looking at Spock. He cleared his throat and looked down at the card in his hands. He tucked it into the cover of the book carefully, sure to not bend the edges. He got up, tucking the book under his arm and strode out of the cafeteria.

The walk back to his quarters was a quiet one. The only time he was stopped was by a young ensign brave enough to ask him a question about one of the machines in the labs. She had thanked him and swiftly walked away. There was an air of confidence that she held that Spock found himself pleased with. He didn't want anyone to fear him. Not unless they were a potential threat to his T'hy'la or crew.

He stopped at his quarters, walking in and nearly tripping on a pair of pants. He sighed, bending down to pick them up. Of course, they were too small to be his own, making them Jim's. He put the book down in order to fold them and place them on the dresser.

He sighed quietly, closing his eyes. He searched for any sign of distress from his mate, but found only fatigue and a trace of… Curiosity? Usually Jim and curiosity didn't mix well. It usually ended up with the blonde in the Med Bay getting patched up by a rather annoyed Leonard.

He slid the card out of it, staring at the blue envelope. In neat cursive was the name 'Jim Kirk'.

"Computer, locate Captain Kirk."

"_Captain Kirk is on observation deck 3."_

Upon arriving on the observation deck, he noticed it was empty other than one still form. Jim was sitting in front of the large window, staring out at the stars. As Spock came closer he noticed that the shirt Jim was wearing was a bit too big on him. It came to his attention due to the fact the blonde kept pulling the sleeves over his knuckles.

It was a pale grey, soft yet durable fabric. The collar of the shirt was wider, drooping slightly, and bunched up. The shirt was supposed to be snug on whoever was wearing it, but it was just a bit too big on Kirk's slimmer frame.

"Ashaya," Spock greeted, standing beside him. The man didn't seem surprised Spock had found him.

"Hey, sit," the blonde suggested patting the floor. The Vulcan complied, sitting beside him in one swift motion. He held out the envelope slowly, watching as the blonde eyed it warily.

"Who's that from?" His voice was soft, almost a whisper but not quite.

"Lieutenant Uhura."

"She didn't have to do that," he murmured, taking it from his boyfriend's warm hands. He kissed the Vulcans cheek before putting the card to the side with a small smile. "I'll open it later. Remind me to thank her."

"Why are you here?" Spock decided to ask first. He thought it redundant to question Jim why he didn't inform him it was his birthday tomorrow now that he had delivered a card. Jim knew that he was aware. The brunette wasn't going to push the matter if the blonde didn't wish to discuss it.

"Just looking at stars. Didn't feel like talking to anyone," Jim shrugged. He pulled the sleeves over his knuckles, rubbing his hands together. Spock pondered whether or not if his captain was cold. It was not chilly in the room to the Vulcan, but to a Human it might be. "I used to go out into the fields at night with my brother back in Iowa, and we'd bet on who'd get to go see stars up close and personal first."

The hybrid was unsure of how to respond.

"We'd always sneak out," Jim chuckled quietly, "Frank was a royal douche bag, and it was nice to just lay in the grass and stare out into nothing, you know? Disconnects you from things."

"You become disconnected when reading," Spock pointed out pointlessly. It was more of a thought that came out before he could help it.

"Yes I do," Jim chuckled, resting his chin on his knees. "My brain is just that way I suppose."

"A strong sense of focus is often a sign of intelligence," Spock supplied, pressing his hand to the back of his lovers neck. The skin was warm there due to the collar of the sweater, and he leant back into the touch. He made a soft noise, eyes closing in pleasure.

Ease and comfort spread through Spock's body, warm and tingly. There's a million and one thoughts flying through Kirk's brain, but that's nothing new.

"I stopped going out to look at them after Sam left," Jim began, "I was so confused about everything back then. You know he left three days before my 8th birthday? Kind of a dick move," Jim grumbled. He shrugged, looking up from where he was rubbing at the toes of his boots. He stared back out at the stars smiling.

"That is a rational reaction. And yes, I quite agree that that was a, 'dick' move on your brother's part."

Jim burst out laughing. The sound was lovely to the Vulcan's ears, and the corners of Spock's lips twitched up ever so slightly. Though he wasn't sure as to why what he said was so funny, he was glad to lighten the dampened mood his T'hy'la was in.

"You're the best," he laughed, rubbing at his face, "Man how I ever met you I'll never know."

"We encountered one another at a trial for your, in academic vernacular, 'cheating' on the Kobayashi Maru," Spock supplied instantly.

It made Jim laugh again, and this time Spock raised an eyebrow in question.

"You're doing that thing again when you take things too literally," he snickered. He always told himself Spock knew when things were meant to be literal or not, and he did it just to make Jim laugh. Most of the time it worked, and love always trickled through their bond as Kirk laughed his head off.

Jim intertwined his fingers with the brunettes, giving a gentle squeeze. The gentle, almost unnoticeable, hitch in the Vulcans breath sent a wave of excitement through Jim's body. He grinned boyishly, scooting closer to his lover with a grin on his face. He rested his head on the brunettes shoulder and sighed. He idly petted the top of Spock's pale hand with his fingers, while the other hand squeezed it tightly.

There were quiet for a while, simply staring out into space.

Spock could feel the thrum of excitement, the tingling of curiosity and the noticeable thirst to explore and seek out new planets through the touch of their hands. His lover's mind was restless, more so than usual.

"We didn't celebrate my birthday," Jim admitted after another few minutes of silence. "My mom always got depressed the week before it, and the night of it she'd lock herself in her room and _cry_. Sam got me little things he found or stole, and then after he left, I just didn't even mention it to anyone anymore. I mean, there were even times I forgot about it. The next person who finally asked me when it was, was Bones, all those years later when I was in the academy."

_That would explain the toy ring on your dresser._

_I knew you were wondering what that was from._

Jim treasured when they'd have telepathic conversations. It made him feel so needed, like he belonged to Spock and vice versa. Usually the telepathy was just snip-it's of thoughts or ideas, simple words voicing concern or love or question, but when Spock actually spoke full sentences, or asked questions, Jim _loved_ it.

"She did not, deem you culpable for what had occurred, did she?" Spock questioned quietly, thumb rubbing at Kirk's tan skin.

"Never once," Jim shook his head, "My mother was- probably still is, _depressed_ about it, but she never blamed me for any of it." Jim licked his lips, closing his eyes and shaking his head.

Spock nodded, kissing the blonde's temple.

"You are wearing my clothes again, ashayam."

Jim looked down at the shirt, tugging at the collar and snickering to himself.

"I am aware Mr. Spock. I love this shirt."

"You seem to say that about many of the things I possess. It is illogical to love inanimate objects, Jim."

"Are you complaining?" Jim asked, eyebrows shooting up in a mocking stare, "I could, _stop_ wearing them if that'd-"

"I voiced no preference, nor do I complain," Spock cut him off.

"Stubborn Vulcan. I know you like it when I wear your clothes."

Spock remained quiet and Jim blew a raspberry at him, effectively getting spit on the Vulcans cheek.

"Jim."

"Admit it."

"Jim you are being ima-"

Another raspberry.

"I find you aesthetically pleasing in my clothes."

Another raspberry was blown despite the fact of what the Vulcan said and Spock clasped a hand over his lover's mouth quickly. Jim's blue eyes brightened with mischief and he furrowed his brows.

"Biting my hand will not make me lift it Jim. That's-" Spock's voice cut off as the blonde licked at his palm.

"Gotcha," Jim teased, muffled by a hot hand. "Do you get all worked up Spock? Do you get territorial of me when I wear your clothes? Does it-"

Every thought the Vulcan had on the matter of Jim in his clothes was suddenly flooding into the blonde's brain from a simple touch. Jim's breath hitched and he gasped.

"I believe that was the Vulcan equivalent to 'blowing a raspberry' at another."

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_Author's Notes: So what'd you think? I thought it'd be likely that Spock liked to see Jim in his clothes._

_The last shirt Jim wears I figured, look's something like this, and also looks like something Spock would wear in my opinion:_

i/men-s-slim-fashion-high-collar-bottoming-shirt-s weaters-522209933

_I hope you enjoyed reading!_

_Thanks!_

_~rousey_


	2. How I Met Your Mother

_Chapter 2- How I Met Your Mother _

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_.(this isn't angsty believe it or not)_

_._

It hurts when he dies.

He can feel the burn of the radiation he breathes in shakily at the back of his throat and all the way down to his lungs where it coils and expands. He can feel his heart pumping too hard in his chest, desperately doing what it can to keep him alive.

He can feel as his blood thickens to sludge inside his veins and failing arteries. He can hear his heart in his ears, and he can taste death on his tongue.

It tastes like cheap whiskey and copper.

He hears his own breath, too loud and too uneven in his ears. It was amazing he could hear anything over the sound of the thudding pulse in his ears however.

His vision was blurry, and it was only getting worse. His mouth was entirely too dry and his tongue felt too big for his mouth.

The tears that leak from his eyes feel like acid down his hot cheeks.

The way his voice tears out of his throat feels like he's spewing razor blades.

Nothing compares to the throbbing at the base, temples and frontal lobe of Jim's brain as it craps out on him... As it begins to process that it's dying, that there's nothing left. That the very air his body is breathing in to keep him alive is the very thing killing him.

So when Spock presses his hand up against the glass, Jim complies.

He hadn't remembered something ever being so hard. Not since he was 13 years old and pulling himself up over the edge of a cliff after driving a car off of it. He had been looking for attention then; anything to quench the empty, gaping hole hollowed out by a mother who was never there.

This wasn't the type of attention Jim ever wanted.

So when his fingers twitch apart to match his friends, he gives a weak smile in assurance that he is so terribly grateful.

Spock is crying.

Jim can't fathom why it's suddenly the most stunning thing he's ever seen, and he doesn't want to. He allows himself to find pleasure in it, some comfort in this horrible yet valiant death, because a creature so private and reserved his _hurting_. He's projecting his emotions through the glass, and it's one of the most astonishing, _open_ sights Jim has ever seen Spock relay.

And it's utterly _beautiful_.

So with a final smile, just a quirk of his swollen lips, Jim takes his final breath. Because he is so grateful he wasn't alone.

Dying is like nothing he expected though.

First of all, he thought it was bullshit that his life didn't flash before his eyes. Everything was just black, and he could feel an odd thrum of energy coursing through his veins. It was like his body was expanding and contracting, and it was oddly soothing.

He thought he'd see the devil at first (he was not such an innocent man you see) but in all honesty, he couldn't see a _damn_ _thing_.

There were no golden gates sliding open to reveal a glowing _Enterprise_, there were no Angels casually flying by and beckoning him forward, and there was certainly no Godly figure offering him a hand.

So, putting two and two together, Jim popped his eyes open. That was usually the thing to do when you couldn't see right?

So he did, and nothing really changed. Literally.

He stared up at the ceiling of the very radiation chamber he died in.

For a horrible moment, he feared he was alive. His head whipped sideways to where Spock had been crouched to find no one there. He pressed his hand against the glass only to have it easily glide through.

"If I'm a ghost and have to fix some shit before I get booted into heaven I'm seriously going to flip the fuck out," he huffed as got up slowly. He stretched a little bit before gliding through the glass.

He wandered aimlessly through engineering, finding it disconcerting that there was no one around. Usually there were people hustling and bustling back and forth doing their jobs admirably. There was no natural hum of the _Enterprise_ that he had grown accustomed to, and there was certainly no voices either.

When he had strode by the lift it had slid open without him pressing the button. He shrugged and stepped on and went up; to wherever. It started moving before he had the chance to press in a destination. When it had come to a stop and the doors opened, he expected it to be heaven.

But no, it was still the hallway of the _Enterprise_.

He stepped off the lift with a huff and began walking down the hallway. He was constantly looking both ways for any form of life because it was dead silent.

Other than his quiet barefooted steps and soft breaths… Nothing.

So when he passed by the transporting room and saw a woman, he froze.

Her back was to the open door; looking detached from reality, just as Jim felt. She had on a long white dress that draped all the way down to her pale bare feet.

Her long brown hair cascaded down her back in soft waves, and on top of her head was a ring of flowers in pastel shades.

"Hello James," a soft voice rang. It was pleasant, rounded around the edges and delicate. Jim found himself walking to her slowly, ignoring the fact that she had known his name despite never meeting her.

She stood on the right of the beaming pad, hands clasped in front of her. He slowly came around to her front, careful not to trip going up the step of the pad.

"Have I met you?" he asked, noting the difference in their heights. She was an older woman, judging by the fine wrinkles around her eyes, and the faint wrinkles around her mouth from smiling. She was probably in her mid-forties.

"You haven't," she chuckled, "Though I do believe, had I gone on living, at some point my son would have taken you home with him so we could meet."

"Your son," he said slowly, processing the information. He stared at this stranger for a long minute, and nearly gasped when she glanced up to look him in the eye.

Those were _Spock's_ eyes. The shape and color, no longer hidden by the downwards turn of her head, were unmistakably his first officers eyes.

"You're… Spock's mother."

"Yes," she nodded looking away from him. She stared forward, almost longingly at the space in front of her with a sad smile. That was where Spock had been standing with his hand out, Jim began to realise. "I am Spock's mother. My name is Amanda."

"Amanda," he repeated.

She laughed to herself, placing a hand over her mouth, eyes dancing in delight.

"Can't you form a sentence more than 5 syllables?" she teased.

Jim, completely and utterly dumbfounded, stared at her with his mouth agape. This woman was Spock's _mother_? How was that even _possible_? He snapped his mouth shut with an audible click.

"I can thank you very much. At least I know where Spock got his sass from," Jim huffed, crossing his arms.

"Oh sweetie," she chuckled, beginning to lower to the ground, "Sit. We have much to discuss."

"But I don't know you," he said, sitting beside her. He realised he was in all black now, since it contrasted so much from the woman's dress. He wore a simple pair of black pants, and a long black sleeved t-shirt. She stretched her legs out in front of her; over the steps onto the pad. Jim followed and sat the same way.

"Be that as it may, I'm here for a reason," she promised, eyes filled with mischief.

"It's lovely meeting you and all, but," he paused, itching at his ear, "Why you?"

"_They_ have their ways of doing things," Amanda replied simply. "Let me tell you something, honey. I am a female woman of Earth. I spent more than half of my life on Vulcan. Has there been a day in your life where you wanted to, ah, rip the bangs off of Spock's forehead?"

"Any day of the week that ends in 'day'," Jim grumbled rolling his eyes. He didn't question how she knew that he had said that. This whole place was so surreal; he just stopped questioning and went with it.

She chuckled at that, looking down at her hands in her lap.

"Honey, I was surrounded by Vulcans for _years_. I _raised_ Spock."

"You poor woman."

"Yes," she agreed giggling, "But I've been blessed and I've learned I'm much more stubborn than I used to be and perhaps that's why I'm here now."

"Because you're stubborn? I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm not catching on."

"Your life isn't over yet, James."

"Yes, that'd explain why I'm a ghost and speaking to an unfortunately dead woman," he huffed sarcastically, "I died, I know I did." He thought of those tears streaking down his friends face and frowned. He hung his head, shrugging his shoulders as if to relieve a taut muscle.

"Just because you're dead, doesn't mean your life is _over_ silly," she snorted, "That friend of yours, Leonard right? He's the best medical officer in all of Star Fleet correct?"

"Even if that's true, he can't bring people back from the dead," he said flatly. He rubbed at the fabric of his pants for a moment before speaking. "Whatever was supposed to be, or supposed to happen, isn't going to now."

"I wouldn't be so sure," she replied expeditiously, "That's why I'm here. To nudge you in the right direction, remind you of the things you will not have if you choose to follow me," she explained. She shifted in her spot, crossing her ankles and adjusting the skirt of her dress.

Jim tucked his legs up into his chest, wrapping his arms around them and resting his chin on his knees. He licked his lips and sighed heavily through his nose.

"You probably know this, but he was with me when I died," he said softly, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth. She nodded absently, waves swaying ever so slightly as she did. She didn't need to ask who it was Jim spoke of either. "He was crying."

She tensed at that and looked at him. There was an odd expression on her face, like she was trying to decipher a puzzle and that puzzle was on Jim Kirk's face. He swallowed, his mouth feeling far too dry. Was he really going to delve into this with the Vulcans mother? His very dead mother, for that matter.

Did that make things better or worse?

"Really?" she laughed shortly, "How intriguing."

"I feel guilty about it," he murmured. His lidded eyes scanned her now solicitous expression without the turning of his head. He would've raised an eyebrow at her if he was able to do that. He often whined about it when Bones would do it along with Spock. He just couldn't make his eyebrows work in such a manner.

He found himself experiencing something akin to nostalgia, but it felt more like nausea.

"Well, no good person likes to make others cry, Jim. That's only nat-"

"I didn't mean it like that," he confessed. She almost looked permissive or calmed by that and Jim briefly wondered why that was. He pursed his lips and stretched his skinny legs out. They draped over the step of the transporter pad and he wiggled his toes. "I, kind of took pleasure in it. Found ease in it," he admitted.

"I see." He stopped staring at the unoccupied space in front of him and turned to look at her. "I was hoping you'd say something along those lines."

"What?" he questioned.

"You love each other."

"Well, yeah. We're best friends. Of course I love him."

"That isn't what I meant James, and you know it. Might I regress? When you mentioned he cried upon watching you die? Honey, if that wasn't a flashing signal with bells I don't know what is. When was the last time you saw him so emotional?"

He floundered for a moment, wondering if kissing Uhura counted. Though, Jim had walked in on them, but in his defense they were in a rec room, which just happened to be unoccupied. He was simply going in there to read, knowing that the rec room was one of the more unpopular ones, but apparently the couple had figured that out as well.

He had flushed a bright shade of red and quickly hurried out with an apology. He then went to his room and slept, having felt a bit unsettled.

"Well, like a _big_ display? Probably right after…" he trailed off, looking down guiltily, "After Vulcan was destroyed, and you…"

"Jimmy," she said placing a small hand on his shoulder, "I have no doubt that Spock loves me. Other Vulcans, which I find strange, always tried to elicit a response from him as a child by bullying him since he was part Human. The only time he would become upset was when they insulted his father or I."

Jim opened his mouth and made a noise somewhere between a grunt and a moan.

"You understand?"

"I do," he breathed, slapping his forehead. "But he's dating Uhura." He buried his head in his hands, unsure of what to do. This whole conversation- get-together rather, was far too bizarre and bothering him a great deal. His head led him scientifically to the fact that this could be a product of stress affecting his brain and revealing underlying thoughts he had yet to realise.

It was unsettling because one, his brain needed to be alive and functioning for that to happen, and two, he wasn't sure he wanted to unearth these thoughts.

"Is he?" she drawled, "But will he still be when you wake up?"

"This is insane," he scoffed, "I'm dead, Amanda. I'm not waking up."

He stood, dusting off his butt, though he was sure there was nothing there (though it was a force of habit; he did grow up on a farm) and looked down at her.

"Jim, sweetie, do you love my son?"

"Don't ask me that."

"Why?"

"Because I don't wanna know the answer!" he snapped, surprising himself. She raised an eyebrow and got up slower than he, adjusting her dress as she went.

"I think you need to wake up." She crossed her arms over her chest and sent him an amused expression at his fidgeting.

"Stop saying th-"

But it was too late, his eyes were shooting open. He jerked violently and grunted as his head collided with something hard. His hand shot up to clasp his head and rub it. Upon hearing a soft noise, he glanced up.

Spock was rubbing at his own chin.

"Are you alright T'hy'la?" He questioned, hand slipping from his chin to the blonde's face.

Jim stared into those brown eyes, captivating and unfairly sublime. He was astonished by the thought that he was once unaware that he loved Spock before they had gotten together. How could that be? He guessed part of it had to do with the fact that he was recovering from the whole Khan incident. Jesus, he had had this dream far too many times and variations to be surprised by it anymore however.

He pressed his cheek into the Vulcans warm palm, licking his lips. He smiled at the concern and affection pulsing through him at the touch.

"Jim?"

"Had a dream," he decided to share.

"Was it an unpleasant one?" More concern flittered through their bond. Jim shook his head, leaning forward to kiss the Vulcans pale cheek. The brunettes hand fell away from his face, arm sliding around Jim's waist.

Spock was always apprehensive when it came to dreams and Jim.

After he had awoken in the hospital, Jim began having awful nightmares.

The nightmares didn't stop, though they lessened once he and Spock became a couple. That was 4 months after Jim had awoken. Those 4 months consisted of a lot of bed rest, medication, physical therapy, mental therapy and many trips to see Bones. They also contained many sad encounters, awkward ones, and a few angry as well.

Bones had always been there to assure Jim that everything that happened was not Jim's fault.

As was the entire crew.

During that duration of time, in the third month, Spock had broken up with Uhura. Though she had been upset, she understood why and was not at all immature or rash about it. She too believed she wasn't interested romantically in Spock as of late, though she didn't want to admit it. But things blew over, and they were fine. In fact, she and Spock were still very close friends.

"Not at all. Just a, a remembering sort of dream. Sometimes how they repeat you know?" he shrugged, shifting closer into hybrid's warm chest. He tucked his chin onto the brunette's firm shoulder and took in a small breath.

"May I inquire what it was you were dreaming?"

Jim chuckled weakly, his breath ghosting over the Vulcan's sensitive ear. He brought his finger up to rub over the tip and felt Spock's arm twitch around his waist. On Spock's side of the bed, there was a side table with a clock that read 4:09 A.M.

"Don't think you'd believe me if I told you."

"Would you like to enlighten me anyways?"

Jim pulled back just enough so he could look at his bond mate's face and licked his lips.

"When I died," he paused, noticing the twitch of the Vulcans lips, "I- Well I think I met your mother. And I know that's not logical, because I don't know her at all, only seen pictures, but it was her. And she was sweet and funny and _sassy_, and you have her _eyes_, Spock."

He stopped his rambling to see something akin to shock on his lovers face.

"My mother."

His tone was flat and the blonde bit at his lip, nodding.

"Jim that is impossible."

"Yeah," Jim agreed, "It was almost like she was an angel though, and hell you know I'm not at all religious. But she had on a pretty white dress, flowers in her hair, and she missed you Spock, God she always wanted you to know how much she loved you," he went on.

"I am aware of the extent to which she cared for me, Jim. I still do not find it plausible that you indeed met my mother." Spock's voice held a different tone, this time around. Softer and less patronizing. Jim wondered briefly whether or not he should have brought up his boyfriend's deceased mother, but brushed it aside. He didn't seem too upset over it.

"You went from impossible to implausible."

"Be that as it may, I am inclined to s-"

"I said you wouldn't believe me," Jim snorted cutting him off, "I mean, I don't think it'd be bad if it _were_ true. She was basically an angel convincing me I was in love with you and to not kick the bucket just yet at the time."

"Fascinating."

"Indeed Mr. Spock. Truly intriguing," the blonde teased. He pushed his hand through the askew ebony locks furthering messing them up. The Vulcan splayed his fingers on Jim's lower back, applying a gentle pressure, and rubbing slowly. Jim grinned roguishly before pecking his lips quickly.

He pulled back only to have Spock lean forward and press his lips against his own for a longer kiss. The Captain smiled into it. He deepened it slightly, only to pull back and yawn in his lovers face.

So pouting ensued.

"Perhaps you should rest," the hybrid suggested, amused.

"Perhaps I should," he harrumphed dully. His head fell back on to the pillow and he shut his eyes. He nearly yelped as the brunette pulled him closer to hold him. He smiled into the Vulcans neck. He felt Spock nuzzle at the top of his head; he could hear him breathing in softly as well.

"Ashaya, you constantly have me thinking and doing illogical things. Perhaps the notion that you have become acquainted with my mother at the time of your death can be added to that list," Spock admitted.

Jim simply smiled.

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_Authors Notes: What'd you guys think? I thought it'd be a cute idea, or at least dampen the fact that Kirk DIES. JESUS. Abrams is trying to MURDER what's left of my soul, since Roddenberry pretty much RIPPED it out when he kills Spock in TOS. _

_I don't have a beta, so sorry for grammar and or spelling, though I did read it over several times! Reviews and faves are greatly appreciated! _

_T'hy'la: Friend, brother, lover or basically a soul mate._

_Ashaya: Love, used in the term to address someone._

_Thanks for reading!_

_~rousey _


	3. NASA Naps

_The NASA Nap_

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_Before they were together_

Spock was a busy man. Whether it was working with chemicals and bonds in the labs, preparing reports or reading them, making sure the Captain didn't kill himself, physically or mentally exercising, there was no question that he was always in the middle of something.

He knew, from the very first day he had joined Star Fleet, that a lot was expected of him. He knew that in order to be a first officer of a star ship, the star ship _Enterprise_ no less, that there was always much to be done and to be improved. No one but the best was on the Enterprise and it often showed during times of distress. The ship was always running smoothly, and if it wasn't, well it was in no time because of course, there's nothing but geniuses scampering about the ships bright halls.

Spock is endlessly intrigued by the energy of the ship.

Not the energy keeping the actual ship going, but the crew running her. He knew that a lot of resilient people were aboard the _Enterprise_, physically and mentally. Whether it be one or the other, or perhaps both in some cases, there were plenty of examples who could be used as a model for constant vitality. He was certain that a lot of the crew didn't display fatigue or illness, and it probably put them in Medical often.

The best are on the beautiful ship that is the _Enterprise_, and anyone who's not preforming to the best of their abilities will be damned if they're booted from her for something so silly. Spock was also aware of the need for approval amongst many of his fellow crew mates. It wasn't always approval from _him_ per say, but it was approval from somebody. No one wanted anything more than to be known that they were there, that they work on the best ship in the fleet, which they work hard for every day.

Spock presumes this is the reason why the crew is always so lively.

What he doesn't understand, however, almost always too, is James T. Kirk.

"Doctor McCoy, where is the Captain?"

Currently, he is making sure the captain isn't killing himself doing something stupid.

"Do I look like the kid's keeper? He's not in here, so that means he's not doing something stupid again. Go try the mess, maybe he's actually eating for once," the doctor grumbled. He apologized to a yeoman when he as too rough with administering a hypo. She forgave him with a kind smile.

Captain Kirk was a busy man too. He had his own star ship to run after all, and while there were head officers for different departments on the ship, he was _the_ head officer, and that meant a lot of different areas of work in which he needed to be informed in. Spock was amazed that Jim was up and around the ship as much as he was.

His human physiology required a certain amount of sleep, sustenance and social interaction in order to maintain standard health. Spock knew it was illogical to think that the captain made up for the lack of food and rest by socializing so much, though it almost seemed true. It seems that the Captain often forgot that he needed to eat, sleep and/or take care of any type of injury.

Pulling three shifts on the bridge and then going to fool around in the gym or down in engineering once or twice a week was not healthy for a human.

Perhaps for a Vulcan, yes, but Spock felt he would be drained with so much redundant work.

Spock practically sighed to himself as he stepped on the lift.

"Computer, locate Captain Kirk."

"_Captain Kirk is in engineering, level 3." _

The science officer raised an eyebrow to himself as he stepped off the lift into engineering a few moments later. He half expected it to be chaos, with the Captain and Mr. Scott all by themselves down here. Engineering was practically silent however. Really the only noise that was distinguishable was the low hum of the Enterprise and a few footsteps. There were whispers every now and again as Spock walked deeper into the pipes and tubes.

"Commander Spock," a voice called.

The Vulcan turned and saw Scotty waving to him with a grin.

"Mr. Scott," Spock greeted with a cut nod of the head.

"What's got yee lurkin' about in the ships bowels sir?" he asked crossing his arms, "Something need fixin'?"

"I am looking for the Captain."

"Oh, he's uh," Scotty looked behind him frowning before looking back at the (definitely not scary no not scary at all) Vulcan, with a smile. "He's busy at the moment. You can leave a message with me, if you'd so please."

"Mr. Scott you are not a very convincing liar."

The engineer flushed and looked down at his feet, rubbing at the back of his neck.

"Ji- the _Captain_ tol' me that I cannae tell anyone why ee's down ere'," he said, accent thickening with nerves.

Well _that_ certainly didn't make Spock suspicious.

Spock's nostrils flared slightly and he strode past the shorter man in order to find his commanding officer.

"Mr. Spock!" Scotty yelped hurrying after the hybrid. He practically ran into the taller man's back when the brunette stopped abruptly.

"Ee's not doin' anythin' wrong Commander," Scotty pointed out, shuffling to the Vulcans side. He was ringing his hands, staring at the same thing as his commander. "Kid works himself till' he's practically sick he does."

Jim, precariously positioned, was asleep.

He was all but sliding out of a chair, his butt just barely on it, with his leans legs propped up against a table. His feet looked ready to slip right off of it if he were to shift or startle. One arm was draped across his flat stomach and the other hung off the side of the chair. His chin was resting against his own shoulder, cheek squished against it, causing his lips to part ever so slightly.

Spock found himself staring. The captain looked a lot younger when he was asleep; as if he were 19 or 20. The 25 year old had a lot of responsibilities, and he often looked run down. Seeing him with a worry free face made Spock almost, well, almost _relieved_.

"Perhaps the Captain would be more comfortable in a bed, Mr. Scott," the Vulcan said softly.

"Ye' not gonna yell at him?"

"I do not yell."

Scotty's eyes brows popped up as he nodded to himself, remembering his very first 10 minutes on this wonderful ship. The man next to him, had the man sleeping a few feet away from them, by the neck, choking him.

"He didn't wanna be bothered, sir. When people ave' questions an ee's in his quarters, they come knockin'. If ee's down in engineering, people presume he's workin' on something."

Spock stared at Jim for a moment longer, lips pursing into a line.

"Is this a normal occurrence?"

"Ah," Scotty puckered his lips as he thought, "Once, twice a week I suppose."

"I see," Spock replied slowly. Jim's face scrunched up before relaxing again with a soft sigh. "He will not be here long will he? There are a number of thing's I need to discuss with him."

Scotty looked at the desk clock.

"10 minutes about, sir. He'll be as spry as a kitten," he grinned childishly. Spock gave a curt nod, wondering how long Jim had been down here sleeping before he was aware.

At least he knew how the Captain was able to function now. He never assumed that the blonde would be one for taking naps. Then again, he didn't think the captain would be able to play chess as well as he did, read such classic literature, or write with a pen or pencil on a clip board.

"As you were, Mr. Scott," Spock said turning to leave.

"Oh, Commander?"

Spock raised an eyebrow in question.

"I think the Captain would appreciate if ye, if ye didn't speak ta' anyone about this."

Spock just nodded before striding away. Scotty huffed before looking back at his captain with a bit of fondness. He sat by him in another chair, putting his feet up also, and worked on his PADD keeping watching of the Captain. The captains naps had become engineering's secret.

Scotty had laughed his ass off when Jim slipped out of his chair on to the floor with a shout about 6 minutes later.

XXX

He found the Captain again in an empty rec room week later, snoozing by himself. They had gotten back from a mission yesterday. Spock had put a pillow under his head and left him to rest.

XXX

He found the Captain once more in an unoccupied conference room, head resting against papers he was supposed to be doing. Spock had dimmed the lights to 25 percent. He felt as if there would be many more of these situations to come.

XXX

There were.

XXX

_While they were together_

Spock walked into their shared quarters and found Jim on the floor on his side. For a minute, he panicked because his bondmate was sprawled across the floor unconscious. He knelt down next to him, and blinked in surprise upon hearing a quiet snore.

There's a pair of pajama pants balled up in his hand and his pants are undone, but not off. He also realized that there's a pair of boots right by Jim's feet. His Command shirt is thrown on the bed and his black under shirt is riding up.

"_Ashaya_," Spock sighed quietly, hand pressing to the man's face. He got up to pull the blankets back on the bed and then went back to Jim on the floor. He swiftly slid his arms beneath his mate, lifting him with ease. He placed him on the bed, freezing when the man shifted slightly. Once Jim sniffed and turned on to his side again, Spock moved and carefully tugged the man's pants off. He pulled the blankets up over his now curled up form and sat down on the bed beside him.

He ran his hand through Jim's soft short hair, relishing in the feel of it running across the skin of his sensitive hands. There's warmth and comfort radiating from Jim.

Spock looked sharply at the side table when the captain's com went off. Spock hurriedly grabbed it an answered it. He glanced down at his lover and sighed when he was still sound asleep.

"You're supposed to be down in my Med Bay for a physical you dolt."

"Doctor McCoy, it is Spock. Jim is resting."

There's an annoyed splutter and a groan.

"Resting my ass. Put him on the line, I've got a bone to pick with him!" the doctor snapped in frustration.

"If you would allow me to make a correction; Jim is _sleeping_," the Vulcan said, as if it answered every question in the world.

"I don't care if he's dancing with the queen of Engla- Sleeping?" Spock raised an eyebrow at the amount of astonishment in that single word. "I thought Vulcan's couldn't lie."

"I am not lying, doctor. The captain has been asleep for the past 10.4 minutes."

"_Why_?"

"I presume it was because he worked a double shift."

"He's… Napping?"

"Yes."

And suddenly Leonard is laughing and it's so loud that Jim stir's and his eyes pop open.

"Spock?" he asked, rubbing at his eyes. "Why are you- Aren't you supposed to be on the bridge?"

"My shift ending 3.5 minutes ago, Jim. I came to get my data PADD so I can work in the science labs."

"Why are you talking to Bones sitting on my bed then?" he slurred, sniffing. He sat up slowly, before leaning against Spock with a whine, "Why is he being so loud?" he added.

"You're napping Jimmy? What're you 7?" the doctor howled in delight.

And then sudden realization dawns on the captain and he's the perfect depiction of horror.

"Hey! You pull two bridge shift's outta your ass, lead a landing party and fence with your helmsman and then come make fun of me!" he snarled, grabbing the com from his lover's hands.

"No, I'm _glad_ you're sleeping," Bones laughed, "Really. I even get to make fun of you for something else now. Makes _me_ happy, and _you_ healthy."

"Shut up Bones. I've caught you napping too you old man."

"There's a difference!" he laughed, "I'm 32 you're _25_."

"Bones I'm going to hit you the next time I see you."

"I'll raise that threat with a hypo."

"Shut up."

"Oh someone's grumpy. Go back to yer nap, Jimmy. Come by later," he laughed before disconnecting.

Jim stared incredulously at the com before tossing it on the floor with a grumble.

"Well my secrets out," he huffed falling back against the bed. He shut his eyes and rubbed at his face tiredly.

"It is no secret Jim."

"What?" Jim asked, "How did you know? Who else _knows_?"

"I have come to the conclusion that Doctor McCoy, Mr. Scott, and I are the only ones who know. As for how I know, I was engineering in search for you and Mr. Scott told me you rest down there regularly. I also found you resting in a rec room, and in a vacant conference room. If I may add, napping as many health benefits. You should not be ashamed."

"What? Really?" Jim yelped, completely ignoring the last sentence Spock spoke.

"Vulcan's cannot lie."

"Oh my god. Was this before or after we- we-"

"_Ashayam_," Spock said pressing a hand to his face. Jim froze and his eyes slipped shut as Spock relayed the memories to the blonde.

Jim watched himself sleep in engineering. He remembered going down there that time too. He had fallen out of his chair and Scotty wouldn't shut up with the laughing.

Jim felt Spock's amusement and became embarrassed.

The next image was of him on a couch in rec room 4.

'_You put a pillow under my head?' _Jim asked through the meld.

'_At the time I told myself it was because you would wake up with a pain in your neck if I had not.'_

Warmth and adoration flooded through their bond and suddenly Jim was watching himself practically drool over paperwork in a conference room. Spock dimmed the lights and Jim found himself pleased by the Vulcan's actions again.

'_This was all before we bonded?'_

'_Indeed.'_

'_Why?'_

'_I do not know.'_

Spock's neat and organized mind was pulling away from Jim's and the blonde wished to reach out and pull him back, but he didn't. He let the meld simmer down, emotions still coursing lively through it even as he let Spock end it. The Vulcan was surprised when he found himself with an armful of Jim, hands flying to Jim's sides so he wouldn't fall.

"Thanks," Jim breathed softly against his shoulder, "I love you, by the way."

Spock raised an eyebrow before kissing the top of Jim's head.

"I cherish thee as well, _t'hy'la_."

Jim pulled back and ran his fingers over Spock's with a warm smile.

"Jim," Spock paused as Jim took his hand and squeezed, "Why were you on the floor earlier?"

Jim looked around and blinked.

"Wow. I'm on the bed. You put me here?" he asked in confusion. He looked back at the Vulcan and chuckled quietly. He pressed his hands against the Vulcan's chest and smoothed out the fabric there as he spoke. "Sorry. I kicked off my boots, and then went to get pajama pants while taking of my gold shirt and I tripped over them. Then I didn't even bother getting up."

When Spock said nothing Jim looked up.

Spock kissed him gently, just a soft brush of the lips, and pulled back.

"Perhaps you should extend the time of your naps, Jim."

Jim answered with a shove backwards, sending them back against the bed with a laugh.

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_Authors Notes: I was on Tumblr at like 3 in the morning and I saw a post about NASA Naps, which is a 26 minute nap. Apparently it boosts your energy so you're able to work for a longer period of time without getting as drained. It relieves stress and reduces risk of heart attacks. Not to mention it's good for your brain. You retain more knowledge; you're more alert and quick when you're well rested. _

_So I thought why not have Jim nap a lot in different places? _

_ALSO sorry for the gap in no updates! I've been working on a long one-shot for this collection, and when I got this idea I just banged it out before I finished that one because you guys DESERVE IT! _

_Thanks for reading and for the lovely feedback!_

_Reviews and favorites are greatly appreciated! _

_Thanks!_

_~rousey _


	4. Ignorance is Bliss

_Ignorance Is Bliss_

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Jim Kirk is a puzzle within a riddle wrapped up in a messy bow made up of _far_ too many emotions.

Spock noticed this the very first time he met the young man as a cadet a few years back. The Vulcan remembered the memory so vividly it was almost _frightening_. At times he wondered if it was in that very moment the blonde made such an impact on him, or if it was later on upon witnessing Jim beat his stimulated test with an infuriating air of insouciance. Though the Vulcan remembered it, the human did not because upon the abrupt ending of Kirk's trial, he heard the annoyed question, '_Who was that pointy eared bastard?_' upon hurrying away to assign cadet's to their ships.

The first time they had encountered one another, it had been brief and barely something worth remembering after all; well for the blonde anyways. His mind wasn't on meeting a new face at that time.

It had been in a hallway of all places. The brunette himself had been doing research on a particular plant in order to see if it could be pollinated with another in order to heighten the success rates of the plant flourishing in different regions.

_He was gathering his things up into a bag readying to leave his office when he heard a clatter of items and a hoarse shout. Following the shout was a stream of upset German. With his curiosity peaked, the professor strode out of his office to see a blonde backed against a wall, hands up in surrender. His eyes were wide and he looked to be pleading with the two taller dark haired men. _

"_Ich verstehe Sie nicht. _Bitte_ lassen Sie mich in Ruhe," he pleaded, "_Bitte_."_

"_You asshole!" the dark haired man shouted._

"_Tom, maybe this wasn't the guy flirting with Kelly," the other man said grabbing his friends arm. "I don't think he even speaks English." _

"_It's him. It's that Kirk kid. I'm sure," he snarled, shoving at the blonde's shoulder. _

_The next words out of the blonde's mouth alarmed Spock, for he knew how to speak German. The way they were said were as if they were words coming out of a child's mouth begging not to be hit again. _

"_Sie dumm fickt. Ich habe einen Test und ich werde zu spät kommen," he gasped in fear, "Ich brauche keine Knochen gehende Nüsse wieder, weil ich oben geschlagen bin!"_

"_Yeah, he's confused and you're just harassing him now Tom. Come on leave him be," the man said tugging at his friend a little bit rougher. The man still staring at the blonde with a murderous glint in his eyes stepped back and glanced down at the papers on the floor and then back up at the shorter man warily. _

'_Neither of them speaks German, I presume,' Spock thought raising an eyebrow. He found it intriguing such insults could be said with such an air of fear and distress. He had to hand it to the blonde cadet, he was a well-trained actor. _

"_Who even uses paper anymore?" the man named Tom asked as he took another step back. _

"_I don't know. Crazy Germans," his friend shrugged as they strode down the hallway. Once around the corner, the blonde fell to his knees, gathering up papers and grumbled to himself. Spock, at the time, had also found the blonde's use of paper as opposed to a data PADD odd._

"_Fuck, now I'm gonna be late to that damn exam and Pike's gonna be on _my_ ass 'cause every fucking higher-up just _loves_ to tell on Jim Kirk," he snarled venomously. He shuffled some papers and huffed another curse._

_Spock strode forward, picking up a piece of paper behind the young man that he didn't see. From his brief glance, he was able to see that they were notes for an engineering project. He offered the paper to the flustered blonde. _

_The blonde snatched the paper, nodding. _

"_Thanks Professor whatever," he grumbled hurrying down the hallway. _

Spock, at the time, was astonished that the man did in fact speak fluent English. He was also intrigued at the man's tactful use of German in order to get himself out of a hostile situation, even if it was his fault for putting himself there in the first place.

In simpler words, Jim Kirk is always leading people to believe he is something that he is not.

The Vulcan wondered why he was thinking of this at the moment. Spock knew he should be trying to focus, he couldn't gather his attention on anything though. It was like someone had reached into his mind, took a heaping handful and then shook it all around.

"Spock! Damn it you big eared idiot," Bones snapped. The Vulcans eyes weren't even following the light he was shining into them. "Can you even hear me?"

"I can," the Vulcan breathed out in pain. Doctor McCoy's voice sounded like it was a mile away. He blinked at the ever persistent light being shined into his eyes and closed them, head rolling to the side.

"Hey, keep _those_ open," Bones ordered, using his hand to keep the Vulcan's head still, "Nurse Chapel go take care of Chekov!"

"Yes sir," she all but yelped. She grabbed a few hypos and exited the room. She wasn't used to the Vulcan being down in medical, so upon seeing him sprawled out, bleeding and looking around like there were thirty people in the room, she stopped to stare.

"Where is Jim?" Spock asked, lifting a hand. Bones looked at it for a moment in question and the Vulcan looked at it as well, wondering why he had raised it. He lowered it to his side wincing at the pain in his shoulder.

"He's on the bridge. Spock I need to get the metal out of your shoulder lay back."

"He is okay?"

"I don't think his injuries are life threatening Spock, no, but yours will be if you don't lie back," the doctor necessitated, pushing at the Vulcans chest once more. "And keep awake. I can't give you any anesthesia that'll knock you out completely until I'm sure you're head's in the right place. So here," he grunted hypoing the hybrids bloody collar bone, "That'll numb you up a little. You shouldn't feel this too much."

Despite Leonard's words about staying awake, Spock was finding it increasingly difficult to do so. He also found the sensation of things being pulled out of him odd and uncomfortable as well. Every now and again he'd grimace or jump in pain. His boggled mind was doing a good job in taking his mind of the pain though. He looked around as the doctor worked on removing the metal protruding from his shoulder. He licked his lips and tasted the tang of blood on his tongue and breathed out through his nose. Even though the hypo was working to numb his shoulder, his leg still ached in the worst way, and the gash along his side was beginning to cause his clothes to stick to him. The horrible throbbing in his skull continued to exacerbate him too.

Though Leonard assured him he was working quickly, the procedure seemed far too long for the Vulcan's liking.

"-ock! Stay awa-"

The doctor's voice sounded further away than before. Was he done with his procedure?

"-ammit! M'Benga I need a-"

That was the last bit Spock caught before he was out like a light.

XXX

"It's about time you got your ass down here," Bones murmured, gesturing to an empty bio bed.

"I was a little busy Bones, sorry," the blonde retorted. He made no move to sit down. His eyes were on Chekov who was watching him. He was laying down on a biobed, slightly pale but otherwise looking alright. "Is, he okay?"

"He's got temporary hearing loss. He'll be okay. Just minor cuts and bruises and a concussion," Leonard said, scanning Jim with a tricorder. "Your blood pressure is high."

"Thanks. Cause I didn't know I was stressed," Jim grumbled as he walked over to Chekov. He placed a dirty hand on the curly haired ensign's shoulder and gave him a worried look. Chekov simply smiled and holding up a thumb and Jim smiled and laughed. He ruffled those curls (it was always just so tempting) and turned back to his doctor. He glanced at the only examination room with the door shut and felt his T'hy'la presence. "How's Spock?"

"Well, he got the brunt of it," the brunette murmured getting out a dermal regenerator. "Sit down, I'll explain."

"Can I see him?"

"Just sit down."

"He's in there right?"

"Yeah."

"Bones he's- is he-"

"I know he's yer boyfriend, bondmate, soulmate, _whatever_! _My_ priority is making sure _you're _ok, an' he's isn't goin' anywhere. He's out like a light. So sit down and listen," he barked, pointing at the bed.

Jim was covered in more of Spock's blood than he was his own. The captain sat down silently, propping his injured leg up on to the bed with a soft groan.

"I get it okay? You're worried," Bones sighed, "But you look like a wreck."

"Thanks," he smiled all too sweetly.

"How did you even carry Spock with your leg this screwed up?" Bones asked rolling up the battered pant leg. Jim hissed, baring his teeth as he breathed out harshly in pain. The doctor gave him a look that said something along the lines of '_This is your damned fault and to hell with everything if I'm gonna be gentle with you'_. Despite the murderous glare that Jim always looked too deeply into, the brunette _carefully_ tugged at the dirty pants until the full length of the wound was revealed.

"God _gave_ me the strength. I don't know. It wasn't really carrying. It was more of a half assed drag," Jim snorted, running a green stained hand through his hair. It left a slimy trail in his locks and Bones noticed his hands were shaking. He cleaned away some of the blood around the actual wound and winced.

"What was this made with?"

"That building that fell on me."

"Don't you get smart with me you little shit," Bones snapped pointing at him. Jim smirked weakly before his eyes wandered over to the room where Spock was being kept.

It was only a _month_ into their five year mission. They had gone in for negotiations. It turns out that the natives, who seemed harmless at first, _despised_ Starfleet and the Federation immensely. So upon promising Jim, Spock and Chekov a meeting to speak with their leader, they left them in a so called 'conference' room and blew the building up. That had been one of the more tense moments during the mission. Bones had never seen the bridge in such chaos while it was still safely flying and not being shot at. The natives had given them a video feed of it and everything. They were a bit sadistic.

Jim was quiet after that as Bones cleaned and began to heal up the gash along the side of his leg. When the brunette caught sight of his friends shaking hands once more, and noticed the continual licking of his lips, he sighed.

"He's unconscious right now, probably will be for a while," Bones told him, "I pulled an ass load of metal out of his shoulder, made sure none of it was rusted. I had to regrow the bones in his left ankle, because it was shattered, and I had to run the regenerator over the cut on his side. He's got broken ribs which I can't do nothin' for until he wakes up. He was a little confused before he passed out, but it was just from the concussion."

"Did you run head scans?"

"Do I look like an amateur? 'Course I did," the doctor huffed, "There was nothing unusual."

Jim let out a breath of relief. His shoulders slumped and he loosened up his neck by letting his head hang. He stared at his lap, licking his chapped lips and shook his head. He had been so horribly worried. He had never seen so much of Spock's blood before, and it freaked him out. He looked at his hands and grimaced at the dried dark green mingling with the brownish red.

He winced as Bones finished up healing his leg. The brunette didn't bother warning him about being easy on it because he knew the captain was just going to ignore him. Though it was comforting that Jim knew he shouldn't mess around too much with the skin on his leg being so new.

After he was done checking the younger man for a concussion, and for any other breaks, he stepped back and placed his hands on his hips. He watched the blonde's nose twitch, and then noticed the way his moth quirked downwards into a small frown.

"Yeah," Bones permitted, "You can go take a shower kid. Go get something to eat too while you're at it."

"That's creepy you know."

"Sue me."

"Spock and I are the one with the _telepathic_ connection. Not me and you."

"Oh?" Bones rolled his eyes. "Need I remind you we were roommates for _three_ years? If anybody knows you better than yourself or Spock, it's me kido."

"Well yeah you're my doctor," Jim teased shoving at the brunettes shoulder. "See you in a little bit Bones."

"You mean see _Spock_," Leonard sneered, then added in a grumble, "Don't have time ta' be a chatty Kathy."

"_Sue_ me," Jim drawled out with a smirk. He waved at Chekov who was grinning. The Russian waved goodbye, obviously amused by the sight of McCoy and Kirk arguing. It was probably interesting to see everything but not be able to hear. Facial expressions must be more important to the person watching something unfold. Both the Captain and the Doctor have very expressive faces.

XXX

"Yeah, he's alright. Just has temporary hearing loss and a concussion," Jim sighed. He peered at Sulu over the bowl of soup he was stirring. The unusual quietness across his and Spock's bond was disconcerting, and Jim knew his headache was because of the Vulcan being in pain. He was beginning to regret getting hurt so often during missions. He picked up a carrot on his spoon before dropping it back into the broth with a soft _plop_.

"Well that's good. How's the commander?" the pilot asked carefully. He had noticed the troubled look on his captain's face. And of course, the way he was idly staring at his food rather than picking up the entire bowl and drinking it.

After basically watching a building collapse on his best friend, captain and first officer, all of which he cared deeply for, he was in a bit of shock. It was good to see all three of them were alive and alright, but Sulu, as well as a few others, were worried about some of the mental side effects this ordeal might have on any of them.

Jim had all but limped on to the bridge, covered in more of his first officers blood than his own (and there was a lot of his own to begin with), dirtied and shouting out commands like it was job. Despite the fact that it _was_ his job, he was in a horrible state to be commanding a star ship to safety once the natives had begun firing on their ship. He also, of course, spoke with the leader about never returning to their planet again while staying mostly calm and creating a compromise. He only cursed once and it was when there shields dropped considerably low.

A lot of the bridge crew had wondered at the time if Spock and Chekov were alright. Spock's blood was all over Jim, and neither he nor Chekov returned with him to the bridge. Uhura wasn't able to contain the gasp that left her mouth upon seeing just how messy Jim's clothes had become.

"He's alright. Busted up ankle, metal stabbing his shoulder, cut along his side, broken ribs," he paused rubbing at his temple, adding, "And a nasty concussion."

"He's just as stubborn as you sir. I'm sure he'll be fine."

Hikaru wondered if it was a rumor that Kirk had carried Spock through the rubble of the building had been true. He'd have to ask Pavel, because sometimes the ensigns just gossiped.

Something had happened to the beaming device upon being hit with one of the native's weapons, and it wasn't responding to anything that Scotty did. In a rush, he had hurried down to engineering to see if he could boost the power from one of the main consoles. Apparently the coordinates had just been delayed and they three were beamed up while no one was in the room. Cue their attempt to get to the medical wing without help (the idiots) before a few ensigns saw and rushed to help.

"Oh I don't doubt that," Jim laughed softly, "I was actually going to go check up on him. See if he's up yet. You mind taking the con?"

"Not at all Captain," Sulu smiled. The blonde needed rest. He looked exhausted and frankly Sulu _liked_ sitting in the chair. He got up as well, his food tray emptier than Jim's. They tossed their garbage down the shoot and Jim went to open the door but swayed suddenly. He latched on to the wall, his other hand clasping to his head as he let out a sharp breath.

"Whoa," the pilot yelped, steadying the blonde, "You alright sir?"

"Fine, fine. Migraine," he breathed, but the look of distress on his face lead the brunette to believe otherwise.

"If you say so. Want me to…" he trailed off letting go of his captain cautiously. He was going to offer to walk the blonde to sickbay, but he knew better. Jim would have gotten all huffy. Once he had let go of Kirk, the blonde was hurrying out the door. Jim waved to him, afraid is voice would crack if he said goodbye.

"See you on the bridge sir," Hikaru called watching him retreat down the hall in a rush. He hoped that the blonde's boyfriend was alright. He believed that both of them deserved to be nothing but happy.

Kirk whipped out his communicator as soon as he was on the turbo lift.

"Bones," he croaked. There was a brief pause before there was a soft click and the silent tech came to life.

"I'm here Jim."

"Spock's head is on lockdown. His shields just flew up," he said shakily. This _never_ happened. The only time Spock put his shields up were when they were fighting, truly fighting not just bickering, and that was rare. Spock needed Jim's mind as much as Jim needed his. Part of Jim felt numb and he couldn't understand why Spock had suddenly just cut their connection off.

Usually if he was injured, he'd be sending nothing but relieving, calming and caring thoughts to assure Jim that he was fine. Jim tried to do this at times too, and it always seemed to work.

"He just woke up about two minutes ago. M'Benga's in with him right now."

"Is he alright? Is he panicking?"

"He, well…"

"What?" Jim asked earnestly. The doors of the lift slid open and he hurried down the hallway. He nodded at two science lab rats (what he called them endearingly) who gave him a smile.

"Just get down here, I have to _go_."

There was a faint crash and another curse before the com went silent and Jim swore.

XXX

Leonard had met him by the entrance of the Med Bay.

"Bones what the hell is-"

"He's got retrograde amnesia."

A pregnant pause.

"What are the chances of him getting his memory back?"

Leonard took in the sight of his friend.

Every higher up always complimented Jim on his ability to keep his head on right when things were going to hell; even if staying focused meant eventually doing outlandish things. Kirk usually knew what the consequences of his actions were, physically and mentally (also federally) most of the time. Sometimes, yes, he flew blind into missions on pure adrenaline and the need to protect his crew. However, the captain thrived during times of distress while other people, working in strenuous conditions, would cause them to slip up and panic. Sometimes the blonde even worked _better_ when there was a copious amount of pressure on him. Jim was nothing short of a genius, quick witted or sneaky. He just didn't flaunt it around so often. But he made sure the right people knew.

So, when Leonard took in the sight of Jim panicking, he frowned.

Jim didn't panic often.

Panic for the blonde was an emotionless face, blue guileless eyes shadowed over in anguish. Panic was the slight part of his lips, readying himself to deny what was being said or done, preparing himself to change the outcome for the better, in any possible way he can. Panic was the way his hands clenched at his sides, like he wanted to strangle someone, because there was nothing he could yell at.

Panic, for Jim Kirk, was not being able to do anything. And right now, Jim Kirk was in full out panic mode.

Bones easily guided Jim into his office, avoiding the more secluded area of the Med Bay where Spock was being kept and observed.

"M'Benga and I came to the conclusion that there's an 86.23 percent change he'll regain it fully. The odds are pretty good Jim," he said, as he leant against his desk. Jim crossed his arms and looked down at his feet. "Besides, it isn't _all_ gone. Just a lot of it, from what we're gathering."

"There's still a 13.77 percent chance he won't," Jim breathed, "He put his shields up Bones. I can't feel _anything_ from him. Half of my head feels _empty_."

They both looked at the door upon hearing soft footfalls. Uhura paced in to the room, a look of sadness on her face. Bones was surprised she was so forward about coming into his office, but at the moment he didn't really mind. She had a frown marring her pretty features.

"Uhura?" Jim asked quietly, "What is it?"

"He's got amnesia?" she whispered in question.

"What'd he say?" Bones asked her, raising an eyebrow.

"He called me ma'am, and redirected me to you. There's also… Bruising along his hair line, and when Sulu told me you got a migraine… Well I know about Vulcan biology," she clarified softly, turning to look at Jim. Uhura had always been perceptive.

Bones blinked, wondering where M'Benga had gone, because he was literally just with Spock asking him questions and taking scans. He was probably tending to someone who just came in hurt. McCoy knew he should be out helping him. He couldn't bring himself to leave Jim just yet.

Uhura smiled dolefully before walking up to her captain and slinging her arms around his neck to give him a tight hug. "Are you alright? Sulu told me you, you seemed upset. I was coming down here anyways since I'm off shift but…"

Jim opened his mouth to protest, but all that came out was a sigh. He wrapped his arms around her small waist and buried his nose into her shoulder. Bones walked out of the room after seeing his friends arms tighten around the communication officer's waist once more, shutting the door as he went. He cleared his throat as he approached the Vulcan staring around the Med Bay.

"Up on the table. We're taking more scans of yer head," he ordered briskly, thumping the table with his hand. He glanced over to his office almost grimacing. The thought of how upset Jim must be physically made Bones pale.

"Doctor McCoy," Spock said, obeying the brunette's orders, "Who was the woman who just entered your office?"

"Lieutenant Nyota Uhura. She's the ships top communications officer," he replied swiping his finger over a screen with Spock's vitals, "Why?"

"She seemed to be in distress after I spoke with her. Why did she enter your office? She did not seem injured."

"You know her. She's a friend," Leonard said flatly, hoping that accurately summed everything up. Whether or not the Vulcan believed his fellow crew cared about him or not, they did. _Very_ much. This news was going to be a bit hard to hear for all of them. It also meant everyone was going to be watching Jim closely too. "And she's speaking with the Captain who's in there."

"The captain is in your office," Spock said bluntly, "Why is _he_ in the Medical Wing?"

"He's mainly here because _you're_ here and don't remember your left from right."

"I still have established data on general directions Doctor McCoy."

Bones nearly slapped himself. When it was just him and Spock speaking to one another, the Vulcan knew when the Doctor was being literal or not. He only ever took his words literally when Jim was present.

Bones always knew it was just to make the blonde snicker. He got to hear his boyfriend tease his best friend, and of course Bones would become agitated, which was Jim's next favorite thing.

This wasn't the Spock he was used to though.

By the time the scans were done, Jim still hadn't come out of the office with Uhura. He quickly began going through the scans to see if he could get anything out of more detailed shots.

"Who is my bondmate doctor?"

Bones dropped the PADD in his hands. It clattered to the floor and he scrambled to pick it up, sending the Vulcan a glare.

"I'm not telling you yet."

"I think I have a right to know."

"If you wanna know so bad then why don't ya let down those shields in yer noggin down?" Bones huffed, tapping his temple in exasperation. Now would be a really good time for Uhura and Jim to come out and say hello.

"For very obvious reasons, doctor, I would much prefer for them to remain intact."

Bones spluttered again, finding the Vulcan's word reasonable. If he suddenly couldn't remember anything and had someone else in his head, he wasn't sure he'd want to share what he was feeling or thinking either. Despite knowing it was going to tear Jim up inside, he had to be the one to tell Spock.

"Does your head hurt anywhere?"

Spock remained quiet and Bones looked up from the PADD to discover that his office door was open and that Jim and Uhura were speaking softly to one another right in front of it. Bones couldn't hear them, but he was unsure whether or not the Vulcan's ears could pick up what they were saying.

She looked upset, and Jim gave her a soothing smile.

She stood on her tippy toes to give him a kiss on the cheek, steadying herself with a hand on his shoulder. She lowered herself and squeezed his shoulder once more before turning away and striding out with her head down.

She had nodded to McCoy as she passed.

Spock, who couldn't seem to understand why, felt something flare up inside of him at the possibly more than platonic gesture to the blonde captain. He watched Uhura leave with something akin to a glare; that is if Vulcan's could glare. _Right_.

"So, Bones," Jim said walking up to the two, "Find anything?"

"Nothing unusual or nothing unusual pertaining to a Vulcan with some Human mixed in that is," Bones corrected quietly. Jim nodded absently, looking down at the Vulcan sitting and glanced back up at his friend.

"_Can you fix him Bones?"_

"I have to speak with M'Benga, Jim," Leonard answered his unasked question.

Spock was staring at Jim, and the blonde looked down at him and gave him a charming grin. The Vulcan averted his eyes elsewhere and Jim's face fell.

"Mr. Spock," he greeted, "You are aboard the USS Enterprise. I am Captain James T. Kirk."

The Vulcan remained quiet, thought he looked back at Jim. He was simply staring at him with his head cocked to the side. Jim wondered if Spock could feel or see how truly upset he was. He knew Bones saw right through his little smile and laugh, but he was unsure if his first officer could.

"Due to a mission gone awry, you've become injured."

"I am aware," he said slowly, "I am also aware of the extent of my injuries, Captain."

There's something different in the way Spock spoke to Jim that caused pain to erupt in the blondes heart. Though the hybrid didn't usually display much feeling, the many months he had been with his crew brought out a much gentler and less stoic display and variety of emotion. He wasn't just some cold Vulcan that was their first officer, he was a friend. He was family.

"I'm sure our doctors have correctly informed you as well," he paused, looking down at his booted feet before back at the brunette, "However, I must as for your cooperation with my medical staff and crew. They are the best in the fleet."

Bones stared at his friend's profile. He wasn't used to Jim sounding so professional when there were no higher ups around. It was disconcerting.

"You have my cooperation, Captain Kirk." Spock took note of the doctors stare. He seemed, troubled, and it was directed at the blonde.

"Thank you. Do you mind coming into the doctor's office? I can explain a few things to you."

"Of course," the Vulcan said standing slowly. He was still stiff from the injuries, and the bandages around his ribs rubbed at his skin in a discomforting way. Jim stood, ready to catch him if he swayed, causing the brunette to give him an inquiring look. He cleared his throat.

"Follow me."

Bones watched the two disappear into his office and he swallowed. He turned his attention to an ensign who cut their hands up in one of the Botany Labs.

"Sit," Jim said gesturing to the chair. Spock nodded and sat cautiously, trying not to jostle his ribs around too much. Jim leant against the desk and crossed his arms over his chest. "So what do you remember? I know you didn't forget everything, but what's the last thing?"

"Declining my acceptance into the Vulcan Science Academy."

"Okay, I'll explain things, and then when you have questions, because I'm sure you will, I'll be happy to answer them, okay?"

A simple nod of the head was all he got.

"A building collapsed on you, our navigator Ensign Pavel Chekov, and myself. He's alright, and you, well you know your injuries already. You see, you're my First Officer. Your name is Spock and you are 29 Terran years of age."

The Vulcan opened his mouth wanting to speak, but shut after he thought better. These people had no reason to lie to him.

"I know you don't believe me, don't ask how," he said holding up a hand, "Through a long chain of events, I became Captain of the Enterprise and you its first officer. I'll give you the file to read, but…" he trailed off a sudden realization dawning on him.

He'd have to explain to Spock the destruction of Vulcan and the death of his mother. He'd have to comfort his bondmate through the most difficult part of his life _again_. Why did the universe hate him so much?

"I presume you became Captain during a difficult time on this ship."

"You don't know that half of it," Jim sighed rubbing his hand over his face. He stared at Spock for a moment before picking up a PADD and began going through files. He licked at his lips as he began going through the exceptionally old files. He completely skipped over the Khan incident all together. The Vulcan didn't need to know about that yet either.

"Captain," Spock said after a minute.

Jim hummed in question without looking up from the PADD.

"For reason's I am sure you are aware of, I do not wish to let down my mental barriers. I would be gratified if you were to tell me who exactly my bondmate is. All I am able to feel is their emotional transference. "

Jim looked up at Spock and the Vulcan saw shock and then horror dance across his features for a split second before his charming smile was back in place and he was laughing softly. Spock didn't understand why the question was amusing.

"I, well I'll let you read these files I'm putting together, and if you still don't think you know… Well then I'll tell you." After a moment of moving things around on the data PADD he handed it to the Vulcan, careful not to touch his hands.

"There. Unfortunately you're stuck in Med Bay until the devil himself releases you- Bones- Leonard is the Devil," he corrected upon seeing that familiar brow pop up, "And it probably won't be for a while. So have fun reading."

"Captain Kirk," Spock said as Jim walked by him.

"Yes Mr. Spock?"

"You are uninjured I presume?"

"More or less," the blond responded casually before leaving his bondmate.

XXX

It was very early in the morning when Jim awoke with a start. He had been sleeping for a little more than an hour after speaking with Spock. A horrible, bitter feeling of sadness welled up inside of him at the empty space to his left, but that wasn't the only thing causing him to be distraught.

Spock's emotions were going _haywire_.

True, the barrier was still locked up tight, but emotional transfers between the two were inevitable.

Shock, despair, rage, sadness, and confusion jostled around in Jim's head while he tried to imagine what on Earth Spock was going through right now. He buried his face in his hands and closed his eyes tight, struggling to give as many calm and soothing thoughts as he could. That was hard when Spock didn't have any memories of what Jim could show him to remind him everything was alright, and the fact that he was a psi-null being.

Jim felt his eyes water and heard his breath hitch. He sprung out of bed, ordering the computer to raise the lights to 100 percent. He was so tempted to run out the door and down to medical. He needed to see his mate; he needed to give him some form of comfort.

"He doesn't want comfort from someone he doesn't know, Kirk," he breathed in the quietness of his room. He sat down at his desk and with the thought of Spock's pain, the empty feeling in his head and chest, and the insecurity of being alone again, he got to work.

XXX

The next morning when Jim wouldn't open his door, Bones used his CMO override.

"Jim why don't you ever answer the door? I've got ne-" Bones cut himself off. Jim was using his arms as pillow, sound asleep a top of the papers and PADD on his desk. Bones' eyebrows furrowed and he gently pulled the papers out from beneath the blonde. He shuffled them all so they were the right way, at first assuming that they were reports. Upon taking a closer look, he realized they were notes.

Very extensive notes on amnesia, detailed outlines of the brains functions, and he even researched Vulcan anatomy and how their brain functions, hormones, and thoughts processes differed from a humans. There was also research done on other species who have made exceptional progress in the area of curing amnesia. There were about 20 pages of slanted hand writing, and Leonard found himself smiling sadly. He placed the papers down, shaking his friends shoulder.

"Jim, wake up."

The blonde awoke with a hum, and looked up at Leonard before sitting up and rubbing at his face.

"Bones?" he slurred.

"How much sleep did you get?"

The blonde shrugged, sniffing and looking back up at the brunette.

"Why are you-?" The blonde froze, his face screwing up in alarm as he bolted up out of his chair. Bones grabbed his arms, preventing from sprinting out the door. "Bones, the-the shields. They're _down_ is he, he-?

"I came to get you so we can go eat food like normal human beings. And also to tell you that Spock's got his noggin all in order again."

"_When_?" Jim asked astonished, because he did _not_ just do all of that research for nothing.

"Early this morning. M'Benga's been running tests on him since. Making sure his memories are here to stay, no further brain damage and all that," the doctor replied, "And put some clothes on. We're going to put food in this meat suit of yours." Leonard shoved playfully at his friend's shoulders. He really wasn't expecting for him to sink to the floor. "Hey, Jimmy," he said in alarm kneeling beside him.

"Oh my god Bones," he breathed quietly, "Oh my god."

Bones grinned, teeth and all.

"I'm relieved to kid, for both of your sakes. I really am," he grinned, hand on the blondes head. The blonde looked up, a tired smile on his face and let his head clunk again the brunette's collar bones. Leonard let out another breathy chuckle.

"I over reacted a little bit."

"Hey, I think if I were in your position, I would have handled things like how you did too," Leonard laughed patting his head. Jim pulled back to look at him and rubbed at his face. "But get dressed. Seriously food. And when all of this is over you and Spock are coming back here and sleeping."

"Sleep, sure."

"Not the mental image I wanted Jim, thanks," Bones snapped standing up. Jim laughed as he got up. He slipped into a pair of jeans and a simple light blue tee shirt and they strode out of Jim's quarters.

"Don't you ever comb your hair," the brunette asked as they stepped on the lift.

"I like that 'just rolled out of bed' look thank you very much. It works," Jim huffed, rolling his eyes. He was radiating positive energy and Leonard was just happy to see him smiling. "Also, I really hate to ask this, but can you give me anything for the bruises on my back?"

"Sure, sure," Bones nodded as they got off.

By the time they were sitting at a table and eating food, Jim was ignoring Leonard and squirming in his seat like a 5 year old. Uhura had passed by with Scotty and she grinned upon seeing her captain so cheerful. She made eye contact with Leonard and he nodded. She laughed and kept on walking with a bright smile.

The doctor watched Jim as he stirred milk into his coffee. Leonard was very suspicious that conversations and telepathy were currently occurring. He would have teased Jim about it too, except he couldn't bring himself to interrupt the two of them.

Jim's life had been shit, and a lot of people knew that, even if they didn't know to what extent. Leonard knew most of it, but he had a feeling he was missing something major but that was for another time. Personally, Leonard was about to say a giant 'FUCK YOU' to the universe if it took Spock from Jim too. So he'd let the captain make googly eyes at his cereal if he wanted, because he was _happy_ dammit.

After they were done eating, Jim scurried out of the mess with Bones trailing along behind him, rolling his eyes.

"I can't believe I freaked out as much as I did," Jim snorted as Bones caught up to him.

"Yeah, yeah. You got your Vulcan hubby back," Bones huffed in good nature.

They made it to the Med Bay and Jim saw Spock speaking with M'Benga. M'Benga said something with a grin on his face and Spock spun around.

"Jim," he said softly.

Jim, not a cold Captain Kirk.

"Spock," he replied striding up to him. Bones grabbed M'Benga and dragged him away and shared a knowing look with his friend.

Jim shot up and pressed his lips to Spock's. The Vulcan's strong arms wrapped around him and held him close. They pulled back and Jim pressed his head against the brunettes.

"It feels so good to have you back in my head again. I got lonely," Jim teased. His breath ghosted across the Vulcan's lips.

"_Ni'droi'ik nar-tor t-nash-veh vaksurik k'diwa." _

Jim smiled and kissed his cheek.

"It wasn't your fault."

Still, Spock sighed breathing in his scent, content to have his bondmate back in his arms. It had felt like an eternity without him, however illogical may that sound. He pulled back slightly, eyebrows furrowed.

"_Ra?" _Jim asked, eyebrows raised.

"_Tu fnish-tor t'hassu McCoy." _

The doctor had looked up from his patient off at the other end of medical, having sworn he heard his name.

"_Kis-ka Spock?" _ Jim asked with a smirk. Of course he would smell like Bones, he had collapsed on him a little while ago out of relief.

"Jim," Spock said in warning before kissing him again. Jim slid his fingers over Spock's and smiled when Spock opened his mouth just a bit more.

"How," Jim chuckled as Spock kissed his cheek, "How did you come to remember everything?"

"Upon reading the given files and learning you were my bondmate, I had asked Doctor McCoy how we became acquainted. He told me we met on the day of your trial for, in academic vernacular, cheating on my simulation test. Then, I remembered that, in fact, was not how we met."

"Yes it is," Jim said pulling back further to look at his boyfriend. "Should I get Bones to run more-"

"Jim," Spock said and Jim quieted because Spock rarely ever interrupted anyone while they were speaking.

"I met you briefly in a hallway. You were late to a test because two young cadets, later on whom I found out were Thomas Kingston and Jeremy Stan, were stalling you by accusing you of flirting with Cadet Kingston's significant other."

Jim licked his lips as he thought, trying to remember. There had been a lot of girls he had flirted with. Annoyance splashed into his mind and he apologized to his lover with a chuckle and kiss on the chin.

"You had saved yourself from being physically assaulted by pretending to not understand English you were-"

"Speaking _German_. I remember those jerks! I was late to my engineering test because of them!"

"Yes, this was the memory that seemed to trigger the rest."

Jim laughed, his head falling back.

"Well I guess I'm flattered."

They made googly eyes at one another for about another minute before there was a clearing of the throat.

"Okay. You're love session is over. Take this to the bedroom now, get out of my Sick Bay. Jesus," Bones snapped pushing at Jim's shoulders. "Both of you are on medical leave for two days for a recoup- Jim don't you argue with me, I'm serious. And you too Spock."

"Certainly Doctor."

"Good now leave."

"Sure thing Lucifer," Jim huffed pulling out into the hallway. Jim led Spock back to their shared quarters by the hand and they slipped inside.

"I was so worried," Jim murmured kissing at his neck. Spock blinked before pulling away and leaving Jim standing there pouting. He was about to ask what the hell when Spock stopped at his desk.

"I see," Spock said, picking up the notes and research Jim had been doing. He skimmed through it for a moment before looking at Jim. "I never understand why you insist on behaving in a manner which would lead people to believe you unintelligent."

_"Do you like being the only genius-level repeat offender in the Midwest?"_

_"Maybe I love it."_

The memory seemed so old, and Jim smiled at the thought of Pike. He didn't know when exactly it stopped hurting to think about him, but it did. Now it was more of a feeling of fondness and longing to hear his voice.

"Ignorance is bliss, my sweet hubby."

.

.

.

.

_Author's Notes: Well that's finally done! I thought that the idea was ok. I didn't feel like making it too sad because I had a bad couple of days. But here you go! Thanks for reading and all the lovely feedback! _

_Translations (in order of occurrence): _

_Ich verstehe Sie nicht. Bitte lassen Sie mich in Ruhe. Bitte. : I do not understand. Please leave me alone. Please. _

_Sie dumm fickt. Ich habe einen Test und ich werde zu spät kommen. : You stupid fucks. I have a test and I'm going to be late._

_Ich brauche keine Knochen gehende Nüsse wieder, weil ich oben geschlagen bin. : I do not need bones going nuts again because I'm beaten up._

_Ni'droi'ik nar-tor t-nash-veh vaksurik k'diwa. : I am sorry my beautiful beloved. _

_Ra? : What ?_

_Tu fnish-tor t'hassu McCoy. : You smell of Doctor McCoy._

_Kis-ka Spock? : Jealous Spock? _

_Thank you all so much! _

_~rousey _


	5. Of Nightmares and Illogical Books

_Of Nightmares and Illogical Books_

_._

_._

_._

_._

_Everything was crumbling around him. _

_Very rarely was Spock ever uncertain, because uncertainty meant he had acted illogically, or hadn't acted upon using said logic. Uncertainty was a scary thing, and he never liked it. He took a glance around the doomed planet from where he was kneeling on cracking rock, watching as everything broke and collapsed._

_He knew, without a doubt in his mind, that where he had been born, lived, and come to terms with what he wanted to do with his life, was being swallowed up beneath his very feet. Soon, the beautiful, peaceful planet that is Vulcan would be gone, and there was not a damned thing he could do. _

_In a flash, he's running down a rock walled hall, dodging falling stones and determined to get his parents, and elders. _

_He's guiding them back now, his mother in his arms. He can feel her panic and fear, her confusion most of all. None of them were quite sure what was going on other than Spock. He would explain to them all, that is if it wasn't evident already, once they were all safe back aboard the _Enterprise_. He briefly remembered that hope is illogical and did nothing. _

"_Good you got them all?" a familiar voice asked. Spock looked up in alarm because Jim was there at the mouth of the cave with a grin. He's flipping open his communicator and telling Ensign Chekov to beam them all up. _

_Spock is standing near Jim, watching the dusty red surface of Vulcan split open and disappear at a frighteningly alarming pace. His mother watches them, he can all but feel her eyes, and realizes what they mean to one another. She looks back to her planet, the planet she had grown to call home, taking in the fact that this was it. She took a step forward in sadness, wishing to help the breaking planet. _

_Only when the glowing lights began to swirl around them did Spock notice his mother too close to the edge of the unstable cliff._

_Apparently he wasn't the only one. _

_Out of the corner of his eyes Jim is surging forward, scrambling towards her. He calls out for both of them, his mother and then Jim. _

_They materialize back on the pad and Spock is staring at his mother, mouth open eyes wide and face incredibly pale. _

"_Honey," she breathed out stepping forward, grasping his out stretched hand, "Was he-" _

_And Spock feels the bond shatter within his mind and he recoils from her touch, hands flying to his head and he can't breathe because Jim, outlandish, energetic, beautiful Jim is gone-_

"-pock! Wake up!"

The Vulcan's eyes shot open and he tumbled back off the bed ungracefully. Jim was by his side instantly, eyes wide and full of dread.

"You were dreaming. What's- what was, are you alright?" he questioned, hands on the Vulcan's shoulders. He was terribly concerned when he realized that Spock was shaking. "Honey, what?"

Spock flinched at the word let his head hang, taking in a shaky breath, trying to get his emotions in control. He covered Jim's hands on his shoulders with his own and pulled them away slowly.

"Spock, please look at me?"

Spock willed himself to look up at the blonde, eyes burning and mouth dry. He swallowed and met those ineffably blue eyes filled with so many emotions. He looked away, body tensing.

"I need to meditate," he murmured hoarsely. He stood up, all but abandoning Jim on the floor of their shared bedroom. He traveled through their shared bathroom and into his own room and the door slid shut.

Jim's mouth opened and closed as he tried to process what exactly just happened. He took in a breath and slowly stood himself, sitting back down on the bed. They were on leave for 4 days. Star Fleet had issued a ship wide leave for anyone who wished to take it since the planet they were docked above had such a similar atmosphere to that of Earth. That and everyone really needed a break.

Jim rose again, and headed over to his closet. He thought about what his crew wore when they didn't have to wear their uniforms. He slipped into a pair of jeans, glancing over to the bathroom where Spock had gone through. He frowned wondering what could have shaken the stoic Vulcan up so much. Jim couldn't recall the last time Spock woke them both up because of a dream.

In fact, he thought that this might be a first. For a Vulcan, he seemed pretty shaken up. Jim had woken up when Spock started to stir, thinking that perhaps the brunette was leaving him to go somewhere on the ship with intentions of working. He was fully prepared to latch on to the man and not let go until he stayed there when he realized Spock's eyes were still shut.

There was a knot between his brows of something akin to confusion or frustration which was already odd in itself. The Vulcan's forehead was beaded with sweat, and he murmured something incoherent. Jim shook him, hoping it wouldn't upset the already unusually shaken up Vulcan. When the brunette began to move more violently, and his eyes tightened, Jim shouted.

He shook his head and tugged a sweatshirt on over the simple white t-shirt he was wearing already. He scribbled a note to his lover that he was heading down to see Bones and left it on the dresser.

_Spock- _

_Your shields are up, but that's fine. I'm with Bones. If you need me, com me or come get me. Take your time. Love you to illogical extents baby._

_-You Know Who_

_ P.S. I really need to get you to read Harry Potter. Remind me later. Love ya!_

Jim strode into medical and found Bones beaming at his PADD with a certain light in his eyes that had the blonde's heart in his throat. The captain froze in the doorway, slowly backing up as he heard laughter that belonged to a little girl. He turned on his heels and hurried out of the Med Bay away from his best friend.

If Bones wanted to spend his leave chatting with his little girl then so be it.

After realizing for once he didn't want to bother Bones for no reason, he made his way down to engineering to see if he could help (blow stuff up in a semi-controlled manner with) Scotty.

XXX

When Spock found him, about an hour had passed and Jim was reading Shakespeare's _Othello_ in the mess. He was munching on an apple and working on his second cup of coffee.

"You did not go to see Doctor McCoy."

Jim blinked, placing his book down and then a small smile adorned his face.

"Yeah. Sorry about that. He was talking with his daughter and I didn't want to bother him. I didn't worry you did I?'

Spock simply raised an eyebrow and sat down beside him at the otherwise vacant table. The blonde took a large bite out of his apple and crunched on it while Spock stared straight ahead. He looked like he was having an inner conversation with himself, and Jim chuckled. This caused the Vulcan to break his train of thought and look at his bondmate.

"You don't have to tell me you know," Jim told him quietly. "I just didn't know Vulcan's… Had dreams."

"Normally we do not," Spock said in a clipped reply.

"So it's the human part of you?" A curt nod was all he received. "Well, being human isn't bad."

"I had not insinuated that it was."

Jim didn't question him after that. He knew very well how hard it was to talk about dreams sometimes, and it was most likely even harder for an unemotional Vulcan.

Spock decided to see how long it'd take Jim to mention Harry Potter without a reminder.

XXX

Truth be told, he wasn't going to ask the second time either.

That, well that was Leonard's doing, and Leonard's alone.

Jim had been awake as Spock slept, which was completely and utterly the first time in a _long_ time. It probably had to do with the fact that Spock had been avoiding sleep lately. He had pulled the 'Vulcans require more sleep than humans' card several times when Jim insisted they go to bed. If the blonde guessed correctly, Spock hadn't slept properly in 4 days.

That wasn't healthy, even for a Vulcan.

So, Jim had coaxed Spock into their bed, with a few kisses here and there, and a gentle hand on his face, and the brunette was out like a light. The captain had grinned in satisfaction having won over his stubborn mate. He was finally just dozing off himself when Spock's long fingers wrapped around Jim's wrist.

Jim smiled slightly and the hybrid tugged him a little bit closer, before relaxing.

But then, Spock's grip began to tighten.

"Oh shit," Jim grunted as the grip on his wrist tightened to a painful extent. "Spock, wake up."

The Vulcan could not hear him, still trapped in the depths of his nightmare.

He was no longer smiling in consummation.

Hastily, the blonde began trying to pry his boyfriend's fingers from his wrist. Spock had a vice like grip on him though, and as much as Jim struggled to loosen them, the grip was relentless.

The captain honestly had no idea what the Vulcan could be dreaming about. He wasn't even sure he wanted to know because whatever it was, it was scaring the shit out of him.

Scaring the shit out of Spock was a rarity, and Jim was always terrified when it happened. The starship captain knew well enough by now, that panic, and anger? Those were two very different emotions that people often mixed up. Yes, they could be experienced together, but fear, raw horrific fear, was a very true thing.

He knew the small changes in his mate well enough by now to know when he was afraid, when he wasn't panicking.

It was the way his lips pursed, and his caramel brown eyes darkened to something earthier. It was the way his shoulders straightened, and his eyebrows remained still.

Fear was the way Spock closed in on himself, putting up every shield, physically and mentally, that he was capable of.

Fear was illogical.

Spock, when he was frightened, Jim knew, found it logical to almost force himself to succumb to a more Vulcan mindset in order to avoid said fear.

So when Jim glanced up to see if his lover showed any signs of waking up, his heart stopped in his chest.

Everyone was vulnerable when they were sleeping. No one could control what they looked like, what they did or what noises they made when they were asleep.

Being asleep was the bodies opportunity to relax and let every defense mechanism it knew to turn off. People always looked younger when they were sleeping, Kirk observed.

They're free from the stresses of their daily lives if only for a few hours.

Spock's face was twisted in agony, and Spock was afraid, but not only that; he was _panicking_.

His eyebrows were drawn together in anxiety, and his mouth was opened slightly in a frown. His long eyelashes were clumped together by what Jim deemed tears.

The soft whimpers leaving him tore Jim's heart to shreds, and the almost pained breaths, that were coming out strained left Jim feeling nauseous. Through the touch of Spock's hand on his wrist, Jim felt an overwhelming presence of sorrow, of anger and of confusion.

Momentarily forgetting about the pain harboring from Spock's firm grasp, he pressed his free hand to his t'hy'la's face.

It was like a burst of energy shot through both of them.

Spock awoke with a start and Jim felt the grip on his wrist intensify to such a degree that his bones shifted and snapped. He gasped quietly, mouth falling open as he stared down at his wrist in horror.

The hybrid, panting and staring blankly at the ceiling, turned to look at Jim wildly.

The blonde gave him a weak smile, hoping that Spock wouldn't realize what he just did.

The Vulcan let go of Jim and sat up, swallowing. Jim sat up as well, careful not to press down on his wrist. He watched Spock carefully, watching as he began to morph back into a picture perfect Vulcan.

"I, I apologize t'hy'la," he said once he deemed his voice strong enough. He tried to compose himself and Jim felt a small twinge of disappointment. Spock still thought he couldn't show Jim his emotions, and Jim hated that.

"It's nothing Spock," the captain said hoarsely, licking his lips. He was breathing heavily himself, trying not to groan in pain. "Why don't," he took a deep breath, "Why don't you go mediate. It'll help you calm down."

Spock stared at him for a long moment, breathing through his nose before nodding. He leant over, hesitated, and then pressed a quick kiss to the blonde's temple.

He slid out of bed and into the bathroom.

Jim sighed shakily as he heard the door to Spock's quarters slide open and then closed.

He carefully got out of bed himself, pausing to hold back a whine. He looked down at his already black and blue, swollen wrist.

Spock was really shaken up, and the fact that he hadn't noticed he hurt his bond mate really showed that.

Jim turned his hand over cautiously and bit his lip when he noticed his wrist bone sticking out considerably more than it was supposed to. He stared at the ceiling for a long minute, simply breathing and trying not to scream. Why did the universe hate him so much?

He shuffled over to the dresser, arm cradled against his chest as he went.

The blonde did his best in pulling on his command gold's with only one arm. He cursed quietly when he got tangled, and then cursed again, louder, when he jostled his wrist too hard.

Once the yellow shirt was on him, he tugged on the uniform black slacks (still a struggle but considerably easier) and sighed. He took a minute to let the pain die down in his throbbing wrist before shoving his cold feet into some boots.

He left his room quickly and quietly. He rubbed at his eyes to clear them of their fogginess when the bright lights of the ships hallways all but blinded him.

He went down the (thankfully) empty hallway to the lift and got on it and headed down to medical. He let his head fall back against the wall of the lift as it hummed quietly. He took in a deep breath as the doors slid open.

He greeted an ensign who smiled and greeted him back politely. She had a very contagious smile, and Jim probably would have smiled along with her and agreed when she said it's been a very calm night so far; but he was harboring a broken wrist. That really seemed to put a dampener on things.

Jim turned the corner and walked into medical. His eyes scanned the room for Bones.

When he didn't see Leonard scrambling back and forth tending to patients like a good CMO, his eyes landed on the doctor's private office door. He strode up to it, nodding at Rand who grinned and saluted and knocked on it. It slid open and the Captain was greeted with Bones' lovely voice.

"Chapel I told you to- Oh, Jim," Leonard said as the door slid open. He didn't sound much happier that it was Jim instead of Christine however. "What brings you down here to my humble abode?"

"Don't you sleep you freak?" Jim snorted. The door slid shut behind him and Bones immediately noticed the way he was holding his arm.

"What did you do now?" the southern man asked as he got up and strode around his desk. "Give it here you idiot."

The blonde let his friend slowly manipulate his arm so it was stretched out. Carefully the doctor pulled back his sleeve and groaned at the sight of his friend's battered wrist.

"Jesus Jim this thing looks like an elephant danced the charlatan on it."

Jim groaned as he rolled his eyes. The brunette let go of the broken wrist and tugged on his shoulder, leading him out of the office.

After about a minute of Bones scanning it and grumbling under his breath he asked, "So are you gonna tell me what happened?"

Jim pursed his lips, and looked to the side. He knew his friend was going to go off on a tangent as soon as he heard what happened, and to be honest, he didn't want to hear Bones calling Spock an idiot. He bit his bottom lip and, his head bobbing back and forth as he mentally weighed his options in his mind.

He could tell the truth.

He could lie. Then again, that lie could come back to bite him in the ass when Bones bitched about it on the bridge and everyone looked at their Captain like he's got three heads; including Spock. Lying really would upset Spock, and he groaned.

Leonard raised an eyebrow and took a step back, eyes hardening.

"Jim, god help you if you were fooling around and busted it up doin' somethin' careless!"

"It wasn't like that Bones," he grumbled, "I was in bed with Spock an-"

"Oh sweet Jesus, I don't want to hear it if it's that type of fooling around!"

The doctor made a gagging noise and Jim grinned despite the situation and punched his friend with his good arm.

"It's not like that either you ass," he said seriously, "Bones, Spock had a nightmare."

"I thought Vulcan's didn't dream."

"Well Spock does. It was pretty bad too, considering he-"

"Hold on," the older man said holding up a finger. He closed his eyes, nodding his head as he let Jim know he was physically processing that information. He opened his mouth, closed it, and then said mouth twisted into its signature scowl, yet just a tad bit worse. "You mean, yer tellin' me that that son of a bitch got so worked up over a dream that he broke your wrist?"

"I punched you in the face the first week we were bunking together at the academy because of a dream, Bones. You of all people should know it's not his fault," Jim snapped. He didn't like the term 'Son of a bitch' when it was aimed at someone, he never did.

Especially in Spock's case.

"His fault or not, he still broke your wrist! He's four times your strength Jim! You're acting like this is nothing. Did he even realize that he did it?" he reasoned under his breath when Christine looked up from a patient she was tending to.

'Great,' he thought nostrils flaring, 'If Chapel heard than the whole ship's gonna know by tomorrow.'

"He isn't dangerous," Jim said tightly, cringing as his friend grabbed his arm. He pressed a hypo into it and the blonde whined. "I know that's what you're getting at, but he's not. This is the second time it's happened and it got-"

"There was a first?!"

"He didn't hurt me the first time!" the captain barked. He grunted as Bones injected him with something else and shushed him. Christine, _and_ her patient, were now both looking at the two friends bicker like housewives. "I meant the nightmare thing. This is the second one he's had in a month. He's not sleeping right."

"What, do you want me to wave my magic wand and make it all better?" Leonard grunted. His finger idly smoothed over the protruding bones and frowned as he felt around. Jim noticed his wrist becoming number, and was grateful it didn't hurt as much.

"Bones, I'm serious."

"So am I. I don't even know how to deal with Spock when he's not all emotional, Jim. I guess the best question to ask is if there's anything you think caused him to suddenly start sprouting dreams," he shrugged. "By the way, don't scream you anesthetic allergic ass."

"Wha- _Fuck_!"

Bones hands swiftly shifted and cracked Jim's bones back into their rightful place, the pain shooting right though whatever meds that his friend shot him with in the first place. Jim hissed as Bones ran his thumbs over Jim's knuckles and wrist to make sure nothing was out of place.

"Damn elf," he grumbled.

"Bones, don't tell him this happened."

"Don't- hah!" Leonard laughed, running a tricorder over the wrist. "That's a good joke Jim."

"Again, I'm not joking. Don't tell him. I'll do it, but don't go all mother hen on him and corner him the next time you two are alone," he said poking his friend in the shoulder. Bones rolled his eyes and ignored his friend's words as the scan beeped and completed. Jim's eyebrows popped up. "Are you gonna regrow my bones or mend them or anything? Or are we done?"

"Hold your horses, Jesus," he huffed, injecting Jim with a bone supplement. He thoroughly enjoyed is yelp and snickered. "That'll help mend it quicker. Now just let me wrap the stupid thing, and don't take it off as soon as you leave or I'll re-break the damn thing myself."

"Threatening your captain, doctor?"

"No," Leonard replied sweetly as he got out bandages, "I'm threatening my stupid best friend who decided to go and marry a mental Vulcan."

"Hey! We're only married by Vulcan standards, and there was never any ceremony yet anyways," he said playfully. "I heard there's body painting involved. Oh la la," he added with a wink.

"That's an invitation I'm gonna say I never got in the mail," he joked as he wrapped his friends wrist up.

"Ha ha," Jim said dryly, "So you make any moves on Uhura yet?"

"What?" the doctor spluttered, causing him to tighten the bandages too roughly. Jim grunted and then grinned roguishly at his friend.

"I can be observant when I want to. That and I bunked with your sorry ass four three years and I know the signs when you like a girl," he grinned. This certainly wasn't often, considering how hard the divorce with Jocelyn had been on him. But there were subtle things, Jim had noticed.

"Woman."

"What?"

"Uhura is a woman. Not a girl."

"But I'm right, that you like her."

Bones sighed heavily and stepped back from wrapping Jim's wrist and began putting things away.

"Yeah, so what?"

"Hey I'm not judging. She's a pretty thing; smart, brave, tough as nails," he shrugged, "Just don't tell her I said that though."

"You and her have got some love hate relationship," Leonard snorted rolling his eyes.

"Whatever. Look, I'll catch you later. I'm gonna go get a bite to eat. Remember, no harassing Spock about this," he warned pointing at his friend, "Captain's order."

"Sure thing Cap," he grunted, back to his friend. Jim left and the brunette placed a hand on his hip and snorted to himself. "Yeah, captain's order my ass."

XXX

"Beam us up now!" Jim howled into his com. They were slowly being backed up against the edge of the mountain. He gripped Uhura's arm, not wanting her too far from him. She looked at him in terror as they were backed against the edge of the cliff. Her hand was pressed to her side to staunch the bleeding of a pretty deep wound.

"Give us a moment Captain the other landing party's being beamed up!" Scotty said over the line.

So, the landing party had gotten split up, which was the only reason why Jim and Uhura were alone. No life intelligent enough to speak and converse with the crew was found on the planet, so they decided to take a look around and see if anything could be useful.

They had been near a cave, bickering about relationships when they heard the low huff of breath.

The beast, after chasing him through the heavily wooded terrain of the planet, was now a few feet away from them, snarling, similar to that of a leopard, but with longer teeth and deep red fur. When its tongue flicked out it was split like a snakes, and the growls sounded like a whale's noise.

It had clawed at Uhura's side, getting in a good hit before Jim was all but dragging her away until she could start running.

The two officers, with nowhere to go unless they wanted to plummet off the cliff behind them, stared at it, unmoving.

"Captain," she said hoarsely, as the animal slowly cocked its head to the side. "Captain, look down."

Jim glanced down and to his horror realized that the dusty orange rock beneath their feet was cracking.

"I am not letting go of you. We either get eaten, or we fall," she snapped when she saw that familiar glint in his eyes. He looked at her, a strange expression on her face. She couldn't quite place what it was, but it almost seemed like he was grateful. She didn't know what there was to be grateful for in the current situation, but that's what Jim's softening features reminded her of.

"Do you trust Chekov?" he asked her as the beast stalked up to them slower. Its claws were out and leaving etches into the ground. It was about 12 feet away now.

"What?" she asked as Jim clicked open his com again.

"Do you trust Chekov?"

"Captain?" the teen asked over the line.

"Chekov, we're gonna be freefalling. You've got a window of about 2 minutes to 3 minutes tops. You've done it before kid," he said, arm slipping around his communication officer's tiny waist. She gasped as his hand brushed against her injury. "Have medical waiting."

"Are you insane? We are not _jump_-"

Jim jerked them backwards as the animal lunged with a snarl. Chekov's exclaim in Russian was drowned out by Uhura's shriek.

"Commander Spock, Captain Kirk and Lieutenant Uhura are free falling," Sulu said in something akin to horror. Spock swung around from his discussion with Leonard, a crease between his dark brows.

"What?" Bones yelped. He hurriedly followed after the Vulcan as the yellow and red dot on the screen swooped off the radar instantaneously.

"Bridge to transport," Spock said into the com on the captain's chair, "What is the current situation?"

"The edge was crumbling," Scotty said, his voice thick with worry. Spock's heart nearly, and he felt his jaw clench. Scotty's perched over the Russian's shoulder, watching wildly as Chekov scrambled to get a lock on them. "They jumped off."

"They _what_?!" Sulu barked in distress.

"How far until impact?" Spock asked tightly. His heart was hammering in his side, and he felt a variety of emotions course through him. He called out to his t'hy'la through their link, but Jim couldn't answer. He couldn't focus enough at the moment, and frankly, Spock didn't blame him even if it was his fault to begin with.

"3.21 kilometers and dropping, sir," Scotty said swiftly.

"Damn it," Bones said, suddenly feeling nauseous. He raced off the bridge as his com rang and got word to head to the transporting room ASAP. He missed a beautiful voice ringing out words of relief.

"I've got a lock!"

"Beam them up," Spock said, mouth feeling entirely too dry.

Leonard ran in just as the two materialized and slammed against the pad with a loud _thwack_. He used the lord's name in vain as he shoved his way through crowding doctors and nurses.

They were panting, and Jim was instantly helping Uhura sit up.

"W-when, I can move without it hurting," she groaned as medical officers surrounded them, "I'm going to punch you so hard in the face not even Leonard will be able to fix it."

"I look forward to it," Jim breathed as he helped Bones lift Uhura up. Jim gave her a smile and she forced a smile on to her pained face before she was being led out by his best friend.

"Captain, are you injured?" a yeoman asked him.

He ignored the question and glanced around. He saw Chekov staring at his screen, breathing heavily. His was as pale as ghost.

"Pavel," he said stepping off the pad.

The teen shot up and punched him right in the face. Scotty's laughter was the only sound in the room besides Jim's low groan. He was being pulled into a hug now, and he grinned weakly as the teen grumbled things into his ear in broken Russian.

"Thanks kid. I wouldn't have jumped if I didn't know you could do it," he said as the two pulled apart. He held his nose, rubbing the blood away from his face. Chekov, just now processing that he hit his Captain, let his mouth fall open in horror.

"Are you going to throw me in ze brig, Keptin?"

"No I think that punch was called for," he chuckled weakly. He glanced back at the meds and grinned at the yeoman who had asked if he was injured.

"I am _now_," he told her and she nodded and led him from transporting to the medical bay, still in a bit of shock.

XXX

"Why is your face bruised?"

"What?" Jim asked looking up from his book. He was getting close to the end of it, and he really just wanted to be left alone to finish it while he ate his dinner.

"Did that hobgoblin do that?" Bones asked gruffly as he sat down across from him. Jim sighed, knowing now he was going to finish his book, but really it was out of frustration.

"No you asshole. Chekov punched me in the face."

The doctor, who had a spoon full of soup approaching his opened lips, dropped it with a clatter. Jim laughed at his expression as he wiped up the soup now all over the table.

"He punched you. In the face."

"Yep," Jim snorted popping a French fry into his face. "How's Uhura?"

"Hold on, hold on. I'm still trying to," Bones trailed off, a goofy grin forming on his tired face, "He _punched_ you. Oh my god how did I _miss_ that?"

His laughter caused a few to look up and Jim chuckled, leaning his cheek against his palm as he watched. After about two minutes of Bones losing it (the blonde knew it had to do with the doctor pulling a double out of now where) he finally calmed down and wiped at his eyes.

"She's fine. No infection, took the hypos like a man, unlike a certain someone I know, and she's resting now."

"That's good," Jim sighed rubbing at his forehead, "How hard do you think _she's_ going to hit me?"

"Pretty damn hard kid," he said laughing again at the thought of Pavel giving Jim the good old right hook.

"Whatever, as long as she's alright," he snorted biting into another French fry.

"So, you talk to elf ears about the, uh, nightmares?" Bones asked quietly. Because he hasn't himself yet, and he really wants the free opportunity to yell at Spock. This time the soup made it into his mouth and Jim shook his head. He puckered his lips before popping them and itching at his eyebrow.

"He's mad at me. Or, annoyed. Disappointed maybe. I don't really know, but he's been avoiding me."

"Probably because you fell off a damned cliff you asshole," Bones said. He got up, just enough so that he could reach across the table, and punched the blonde in the shoulder. He plopped back down with a satisfied smile and nodded to himself.

"You know, my crew isn't going to respect me if they see one more person hit me," he grumbled as he rubbed it. Though, it was true. He put Spock in that position all over again, and it was probably just as bad as the first.

"Well, I have, Chekov has, Scotty pushed you down the stairs about two weeks ago after you won poker claiming it was an accident, Sulu's kicked your ass plenty of times, Uhura's _going_ to kick your ass, and Spock, well Spock's managed to choke you on the bridge, _and_ break your wrist," the doctor pointed out as he stirred his soup casually.

There was a clearing of a throat and the two looked up to see Spock.

"Hey," Jim said, desperately hoping Spock didn't just hear half of what Leonard just said.

"Doctor, would you care to elaborate?" Spock asked, eyebrow popping up.

"Well," he said with a smirk. Jim gave him a murderous glare and Leonard snickered. "I think Jim should have told you by now is all, so I stepped in and did it for him. Hell I would have been on your ass- _figuratively_- the moment he came out of Med Bay if he hadn't pleaded with me." Spock looked at his mate with confusion. "I've got to go be somewhere else that isn't here," the brunette said as he got up with his soup, "Think of this as a reprimand, _Captain_."

Jim mouthed 'I hate you' as Bones waved and walked away to join Chekov and Sulu at the other end of the mess.

"Jim," Spock said sitting down in the doctor's seat, "I do not recall hurting you prior to the, bridge incident."

Jim sighed, rubbing at his face.

"Look," he said licking his lips, "I'm not angry. I think you would have known if I was angry."

"When did this occur?"

"The wrist thing? Like, a few weeks ago? I don't remember," he said shrugging, "The point being is that it doesn't matter."

"I believe if I hurt you that it does bare some type of importance, Jim. If I am a potential threat while-"

"I really don't care, Spock. Honestly, it was an accident. I've hit you while I was sleeping before, I mean it happens right, to people who've been to hell and back? What I _do_ care about, is about what's going on with you," the blonde said pushing his tray to the side. He leant closer to the Vulcan, meshing his fingers together on the smooth surface of the table. "I haven't been asking because I know dreams like that suck. Trust me, I'm probably one of the best to relate to when it comes to that shit. I know they're tough to talk about and it makes you feel like a little kid all over again, but we _need_ to talk."

Spock's lips parted as if he was going to speak, but then pressed them tightly together.

"Preferably not here," Jim added pointing a fry at his lover.

Spock gave a curt nod, body stiff and face blank. Jim watched his lover as he thought, knowing that the Vulcan was already beating himself up over this.

"It wasn't even a bad break," Jim said sticking a French fry in his mouth, "I've had worse."

"It is not the matter of how serious, but the matter that it transpired in the first place."

"Does it make you feel better that I punched Bones in the face like the first week we were bunking together? Boy was that a night," he snorted, knocking his knee against Spock's under the table. When the Vulcan didn't make a casually snide comment like 'That indeed sounds like an eventful night' he frowned.

He did his best in sending as much love as he could through their bond without making it too obvious that he was really trying hard. Spock looked at him from across the table and tilted his head slightly to the side.

"I'm really not mad, you know. I'm not afraid of you or anything either. It was an accident. You can feel bad, but just," Jim itched at his jaw, "Just don't beat yourself up over it."

"Why would I intentionally harm-"

"It's a figure of speech, you mean, mean _Vulcan_," Jim huffed playfully.

At least he knew that for right now they were ok.

XXX

They never got to their discussion later on because when Jim visited Uhura in the Med Bay, she screamed at him and punched him in the nose.

"Honestly!" she snapped. "I can't believe you did that you insensitive, rude, idiotic man!"

"Why," Jim paused to stop the blood trickling out of his nose for the second time in the day, "Am I getting the feeling this isn't about what I think it's about."

"Because despite being so utterly _stupid_, you're pretty smart too," she grumbled, crossing her arms. "I apologize for hitting you Captain."

"No, no. This one was deserved too," he said wincing. He knew that that apology wasn't exactly so truthful. He sniffed for a minute, just _relishing_ the taste of blood as it dripped down the back of his throat. She looked like she wanted to ask who else hit him, considering his face had been bruised, but she decided against it. That's not where she wanted this discussion to go.

"I don't understand how you could put Spock in that position again," she said quietly.

Jim tensed, his eyes widening slightly as he stared at her. He looked down at his boots and licked his lips in apprehension.

"I didn't mean to."

"I know you didn't," she sighed, "And I'm glad you saved our lives whether you believe so or not. We would have been dead if we hadn't jumped."

"I thought about that too," he mumbled, sitting down in a chair next to her bed. "As soon as we got near the cliff really, I thought about it. About _her_. I know it wasn't fair to him, but, well- "

"So that's why you were holding me so close."

"I don't understand why they didn't just give you your own ship. You're sure as hell smart enough," he said throwing his head back as he laughed. She smiled proudly at the compliment, watching him relax slightly. "But honestly, that was one of the reasons. The other, well, well it's not my place to say."

"I hate you. You can't just say that and not tell me you know. Despite the fact I can speak all those languages, I still can't read minds."

"But you can read people, and you'll figure it out soon enough," he snorted crossing his arms across his chest. He looked around the place, watching people as they worked. He had already checked with Bones about the others from the landing party, and they had been fine. He spoke to one of them about if they had found anything interesting and they looked a little shocked. Every sample they had collected was already down in the labs being examined.

He looked back at Uhura who was watching him strangely.

"What?"

"Nothing sir," she chuckled, looking down at her hands in his lap. "You just are, you're really just something else."

"I thought you knew that when we first met," he grinned wiggling his eyebrows up and down. She rolled her eyes as she recalled that night. It had seemed like it was just last week a skinny Jim Kirk was shit faced and kicking four _trained_ officer's asses by himself after just hitting on her.

"Hey can I ask a question?"

"You just did farm boy."

"Oh ha _ha_," he sneered rolling his eyes at her, "Boy that brings back memories." He rubbed at his nose again, wincing, and Uhura felt slightly bad she had punched him so bad. She then promptly scolded herself, her brain reminding her that he made her jump off a cliff. "Did… Did Spock ever have any nightmares when you two were together?"

She blinked, drawn from her thoughts, thin eyebrows drawn up in confusion.

"No, I don't think so. None that he shared with me. We didn't have the bond you two have got, mind you," she pointed out. "Why?"

"No reason," he said innocently.

"Oh I _really_ hate you."

"Feel better Uhura," he grinned getting up. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head much to her astonishment, and he added, "And you could have left by now, but I think we both know why Bones is keeping you longer."

With that, he left a gaping Nyota as he strode from the room touching his nose gingerly.

XXX

"You have been injured," Spock said as Jim tugged off his command shirt.

"Yep! Uhura punched me in the face. Third punch of the day," he said brightly, kicking off his boots. He shucked off his pants at the same time he pulled his black under shirt over his head. He slipped on a pair of sweatpants and bumped slightly into Spock who was suddenly closer.

"Who else as hit you?" Spock asked, eyebrow rising. He ran his fingers over Jim's bruises causing the blonde to tense and grin weakly.

"Chekov and Bones." Spock didn't reply; he just simply let his hand fall from his lovers face. Jim hurriedly wrapped his arms around the Vulcan's slim waist before he could walk away. "Why aren't you getting ready for bed?"

"I thought it prudent to check on t-"

"Spock-"

"The science labs and see the samples that were collected from the other hal-"

"-you're not-"

"Half of the landing party has collected."

"No," Jim said, his arms tightening around the slightly taller brunette. He pressed his face into the man's chest to emphasis this. When Spock sighed and began to speak Jim made a noise in the back of his throat. He lightly banged his head against Spock's shoulder and shook his head. "No," he repeated.

"Jim, I cannot permit you to be in an environment which may cause you corporeal harm, even if the source of harm originates from myself."

"Don't force me to make it an order, Mr. Spock."

"I d-"

"Just stop," Jim grunted pushing against his chest. Spock, startled by the sudden force stumbled back, causing them to fall back on to the bed. Jim is laughing now, despite clocking heads with the Vulcan. He isn't moving from his seat atop the hybrid either, in fact, he's pinning him to the bed by his shoulders.

"I know you are well informed that a Vulcan is about four times superior in strength to that of a human."

"Well informed sure," the blonde laughed, an open mouth grin on his face, "Why Spock, that sounded a bit like teasing."

"I am simply stating a fact. One I have stated several times."

"Like when I want to spar with you in the gym?" Jim slid off of him and wrapped an arm around him, silently telling the brunette that he couldn't move yet.

"Indeed."

"Maybe I like seeing you in t-shirt and shorts. You know, a little leg, some skin," he sniggered, hand splaying out on the man's flat stomach. Right now, Spock has on his uniform, and Jim's got on sweat pants. It was moments like these that Jim really loved about being in a relationship. You could just lay down with said person (or force them to lie down in this case) and talk about stupid things. As silly as it sounded, Jim liked it a lot. He liked having someone to lean on, to be near.

He really just loved that it was _Spock_ of all people.

When said person didn't respond, Jim looked up to see him with a puzzled look on his face staring at the ceiling.

"What?" Jim asked glancing up at the ceiling to see if there was anything there.

Spock turned his head to look at him and shook his head. He sat up causing Jim's hand to slide away from his stomach and pulled of his blue uniform shirt. He was taking off his boots as Jim sat up, watching his nimble fingers undo the clasps and pull them off. He leant his cheek against Spock's shoulder and made a noise of contentment.

"Decided to stay?"

"Yes."

"Good you stubborn thing," Jim grumbled plopping back on the bed. Spock watched his toned abdomen stretch out, causing his back to arch and his stomach to cave in slightly and reveal his ribs. He let out a soft groan as he stretched, arms positioned over his head. He kicked his feet slightly, much to Spock's amusement.

"Taluhk nash-veh k'dular," Spock sighed leaning down to press a kiss to his lover's temple. Jim, startled by such a display of emotion, pushed into the hands now gripping his sides and smiled.

"I love you too," he replied a little confused. He wiggled his fingers underneath Spock's grip on his side and smoothed his fingers over the Vulcans. He was surprised when he felt sadness. And Jim hated himself for instantly understanding the reason why.

"I'm sorry, I'm such an ass," he murmured against Spock's neck.

"I," Spock paused pulling back to look at Jim, "I am not sure how to respond."

"I'm sorry," Jim chuckled sadly, "I'm sorry for putting you through that again. And it wasn't fair."

Spock's hold tightened instinctively, and he shook his head.

"It was the most logical choice," he replied hoarsely. They're laying side by side now, on the bed in the right direction instead of sideways like before.

"I'm still sorry," Jim mumbled. He gripped his mate's hand, giving it a tight squeeze. "You don't have to sleep if you don't want to."

"I feel inclined to be near you at the moment."

Despite Jim reminding himself that he was a grown man, he felt his face heat at those words.

"Well ok. We can, I guess we can do the awkward talk in the morning," he said curling himself comically around Spock, "The _dreams_."

"I suppose," the brunette said pulling an arm free to pull the blankets over them, "That that is agreeable."

"Lights to ten percent," he called out tiredly, as the room darkened. "Night ba- Oh did I ever tell you about Harry Potter?"

Spock rested his head against the pillow, allowing a small curve to form on his lips.

XXX

He awoke with a start. His first instinct was to reach and grab his mate, and when he found the space next to him empty he sat up with a start. He flew out of the bed, heart thumping against his rib cage. He hurriedly began tugging on his shoes, taking in short breaths.

His actions were stopped at the sound of the bathroom door sliding open.

"Sp-_ah_!"

Jim grunted as he collided with Spock's firm chest, hands trapped between their chests. Spock enclosed him in his arms tightly. One hand cradled the back of Jim's delicate blonde head, and the other pressed warm and firmly against his lower back, fingers splayed out open. He cheek was pressed against Jim's temple, shuddering breaths gently ghosting over the humans ear for him to feel and hear.

Jim's eyes were wide and blinking; his mouth open in surprise. He could feel Spock's heart hammering against his side.

"It is illogical," Spock told Jim, his voice hoarse, "Being that we were not bonded nor a couple at the time of Vulcan's destruction."

"Okay," Jim said, urging silently for the brunette to go on. He tried to grasp on to what was going on as he gave Spock a moment to gather his thoughts again. He managed to wiggle his hands free enough to press them to Spock's shoulders, moving his thumbs back and forth in a petting motion to assure Spock he was alive and right there with him.

"You were- Vulcan's do not dream Jim. I do not find them pleasant," he breathed quietly. His fingers bunched up the fabric of Jim's black regulation shirt.

"Not all dreams are bad," Jim said speedily, "Some make you feel like you're on top of the world, you know. Make you feel like there's no other feeling but to be happy, or at peace, or safe."

"I have yet to experience a pleasant dream," Spock admitted. He pulled his head back to only to press his forehead against his bondmates.

"You're emotions are still all jumbled up," Jim said sighing softly, "Tell me what happened. I don't give a rat's ass if it was illogical."

"You saved her," Spock said bluntly, voice trembling slightly, "You were there beside me and then, then you fell instead, because you had- had-"

"Acted like a follow-your-gut-instinct-_asshole_? Wow I'm even spot on in your dreams," Jim snorted, though it held no humor. He tugged at Spock a little bit and the Vulcan loosened his death grip on his lover and Jim swung his arms around him something akin to what Scotty called a 'bear hug'.

"You are not-"

"Yeah I am. Look, it was a dream. It didn't happen, and though I agree that that's probably one of the worst ways for someone to lose their parent, it was her Spock. It wasn't me. It will never be me, and I'm right here with you after everything."

Spock slowly began to nod, burying his nose in his mate's shoulder, tilting his head to the side to give a kiss to his neck. Jim smelt of regulation soap, a special aftershave Sulu had gotten him for kicks, a little bit of Spock and just something uniquely _Jim_. Spock took in another deep breath, once again trying to ingrain the scent of his mate into his brain forever.

"Lasek, t'hy'la."

Jim just nodded and smiled sadly.

"I, I've had similar dreams too by the way," he murmured, "It's you, behind the glass you know. I feel like it's actually happened before and it just, it sucks? It always does. But look at us! We're having the horrible discussion! We're making progress!"

Spock sighed, pulling back and slid his hand from the back of the blondes head to his cheek, kissing his forehead in slight exasperation. Jim felt giddy at the soft kiss, barely even registering that it happened.

"Have you seriously never had a happy dream? Whenever you dream, they're… Nightmares?"

"Everything I desire I have," Spock responded simply. His shoulders had lost their tension, and the crease between his eyebrows disappeared.

"Oh," Jim, "Well dreams aren't just desires. Sometimes you think you're dancing the hula with a Klingon and it pulls off a mask and next thing you know you're drinking martinis with like, a bear or something."

"Are you speaking from personal experience?"

"How do you even say that with a straight face?" Jim asked bursting out laughing. "Are you feeling better?"

"I do feel calmer, yes."

"Good," Jim smiled patting his shoulders, "So getting away from dreams now- a job well done by the way, talking about them and sharing feelings and all that _horrible_ stuff- I think we should talk about Harry Potter. I think, despite all its illogicalness that you'd end up liking it. It's got all these cool- w-what are- ah! _Oh_."

"I intend to assure you, as you have assured me, that I am here and, 'not going anywhere'."

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_Authors Note: So sorry for such a long gap in between updates! I've been rather busy, and my computer not only has the talking virus thingy again, but it shuts off randOMLY. I MEAN COME ON. I need a new lap top ok. _

_But yeah, it shUT OFF RANDOMLY WHEN I WAS WORKING ON ANOTHER STORY AND IT FUCKING DELETED IT OKAY. I WAS SO ANGRY, ESPECIALLY SINCE IT WAS ALMOST FINISHED THAT I GAVE UP. _

_So I worked on this drabble instead. _

_Thanks so much for all of the reviews, favorites and follows! They keep my young. Sorry for typos or grammar!_

_REMEMBER I take requests/prompts!_

_Thanks again!_

_~rousey_


	6. And So He Fell In Love All Over Again

_And So He Fell In Love All Over Again_

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"Oh, look he's waking up," Uhura said, shushing Leonard. The doctor quieted from his bickering with Spock whose attention was now on Jim. The three crowded around the wakening man.

The blonde stirred on the hospital bed, eyes fluttering and lips twitching.

"Oh my god," he groaned, the sentence extending far longer than needed. His blue eyes popped open, the whites a bit red from the drugs in his system. He stared straight ahead, licking his lips and taking in slow breathsooking down and being. "Ow," he breathed out, and hummed in pain. "_Owwwww_."

"Jim?" Bones asked, amused. Jim's mouth was still wide open at the end of his groan. He opened his mouth a tad bit more before it fell shut and he coughed weakly. Uhura muffled her laughter with her hand, and looked down.

The blonde's head rolled to the side for a minute and he looked at the wall. He murmured something incoherent and Uhura pulled out her video recorder. She turned it on and smiled at Spock when he gave her a dubious look.

She pointed it at Jim who was smacking his lips slightly. His tired eyes, with darkened drooped eyelids, stared at her for a moment before he looked at Spock. He tiled his head again and his nose twitched.

"Can we sit up at all?" Jim asked, lifting his head off the pillow. He looked down at his bandaged leg and groaned quietly. His hands lifted into the air slightly, as if it were helping him move, as he tried to sit up

"Not quite get Jim," Spock said, watching his lover struggle slightly. "Perhaps in a few minutes."

"Did the doctor send you?" Jim asked weakly. His voice is slurred, and his eyes are trained on the Vulcan in question. Spock glanced at Doctor McCoy who seemed relaxed with the situation. The Vulcan was reassured that Jim was perfectly alright and that it was the pain medicine affecting him, and that alone.

Jim stared at Spock for a moment, narrowed eyes taking in the sight of the brunette. "Man, you are _eye_ _candy_," he said slowly. His dramatic '_whoa'_ was caught by Uhura's recorder in her hands. She giggled at Spock's confused face as the device in her hands shook a little along with her shoulders. Leonard rolled his eyes but couldn't help the smile that stretched across his lips.

Spock was about to speak when Jim looked forward again and brought a hand up to his nose. He rubbed at it for a moment shaking his head with his eyes closed.

"You are the most handsome guy I have ever _seen_," he murmured. Uhura's mouth fell open slightly at the innocence in the statement and the way it sounded coming from Jim who was always so brash and energetic. "Are you a model?" the captain slurred, rubbing at his eyes.

The moment was lost to Uhura and Leonard's laughter.

"I am not," Spock said, a bit amused. "I will remain by your side however."

"Who are you?" Jim asked before Spock was finished speaking. "Name?" he slurred, the beginning of the question lost.

"I am Spock," the Vulcan responded simply, "I am your husband."

Jim's pale face lit up, and his impossibly blue eyes (albeit a bit foggy at the moment) widened. His mouth fell open in amazement. The statement was not technically correct, being that they have not married on Earth yet, and are only bondmates of Vulcan. The brunette had figured 'husband' would be easier for the drugged human to comprehend.

"You're my husband?" he asked hoarsely. Nyota found it endearing the way his voice got all high and soft, and his eyes peeled open in an almost childlike wonder. "Holy_ shit_."

Leonard barked out a laugh at that, probably not for the same reasons as Jim, and Uhura tried to remain quiet, not wanting any of Jim's words to be lost to the sound of her own giggles. She came a bit closer, standing behind Spock with the recorder still perched in her hands.

Jim stared at Spock for a moment longer before he looked up at the ceiling with the same intensity. He opened his mouth as if he were going to ask it a question, but stopped and breathed out through his nose.

"Damn," he breathed, shaking his head slightly. His eyes slipped shut as he made another soft sound of shock and he coughed once more.

Spock wanted to hold the blonde's hand. He wanted to kiss him and whisper endearing things in his ear of how much he loved him. The Vulcan blamed it on the emotional transference, having felt their bond flutter and expand almost dizzyingly at Jim's 'new' discovery. The blonde licked his lips and he huffed out something that sounded like a cough, but was a bit too weak.

"How long?"

"Jim, why don't you try and rest," Leonard suggested. The words were completely ignored, but the doctor didn't miss Uhura's murderous glare from her spot behind Spock. She shook her head and looked back at the blonde laying on the bed with fondness.

"Do we have children together?" he asked softly, voice cracking slightly. His eyes narrowed and he reached for Spock slightly before his hand fell against the bed again with a soft _thump_.

"We do not," Spock said, as the woman behind him laughed. "Not yet."

The doctor and communications officer shared a look of surprise and Uhura looked at the back of Spock's head with something akin to wonderment. Jim was blinking slowly, breath's audible but not loud in the quietness of the surgery room in the medical bay.

"Oh man," Jim sighed, "God, have we kissed yet?" Uhura smiled at the slurred question, hearing the genuine curiosity.

"Jim, I do believe you should rest."

"I'm trying baby, it's hard, it's _hard_," he slurred tiredly, practically whining. "Do we call each other baby?" Uhura's soft giggling behind him did nothing to calm the greening tips of the Vulcan's pointed ears. "How long have we been married?"

Spock was so entranced by Jim's genuine wonderment and curiosity that he almost forgot to respond.

"A while, ashayam."

Spock watched in fascination as Jim pressed his hands to his face and moaned, "Oh my god." 'God' was dragged out and he huffed in something like annoyance. His next statement was said in a tone that would lead someone to believe that he was dreading the fact. "I hit the _jackpot_."

"Rest, Jim," Spock said over Uhura's laughter.

Jim clasped a hand over his mouth before it slipped down the side of his face and then back up to his mouth again.

"Man," he slurred, muffled by his hand, "The most attractive man I have ever met." He stopped rubbing at his mouth and looked at the Vulcan again, his eyes narrowing. "Let me see your face."

He grabbed Spock's wrist and weakly pulled him forward, and Uhura stepped to the side to get a better shot. Spock allowed his mate to pull him, and the Vulcan leant over the bed slightly. Jim's hand trailed over the Vulcan's face. Spock remained still, ignoring the groans coming from Doctor McCoy. "Whoa you're eyebrows are _perfect_. Like _wow_." He waved his hand slightly before rubbing his index finger over one, smiling at the natural incline of the brow. His hands dropped from his lovers face without warning and he scooted back slightly, eyes becoming accusing.

"Jim-"

"Turn around," Jim told Spock, cutting of Leonard. He stared at his boyfriends hips for a minute, expecting them to turn.

"I will not," Spock said gently. Uhura was unable to keep her laughter from its full volume and she buried face in her hand. Jim Kirk, after all was still Jim Kirk.

The blonde looked saddened for a moment before he sniffled and puckered his lips. He glanced at Leonard and then back at Spock. The doctor stepped forward and pressed a hypo into the blonde's neck.

"Before you embarrass yourself anymore."

Jim grunted and rolled his head to the side and murmured, "Married."

Soon after that he was asleep.

Uhura turned off the recorder and smiled at it for a long moment. She looked at the doctor staring at Jim with exasperation and then to Spock who had pure affection and adoration plainly written on his face.

"The drugs will be flushed out by the time he wakes up," the doctor snorted shaking his head. "At least we know he actually likes you."

"Oh shush," Uhura said punching him in the shoulder, "You're just jealous no one's looking at you with such constant love. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go show this to Carol, and then a bunch of other people."

She strode from the room laughing and Leonard sighed.

"He'll be fine Spock. Surgery went great, like I said. He'll be running on it and trying to break something else within in a week or two."

"Quite the observation," the Vulcan sighed, "Though you are most likely correct."

The doctor nodded at him, clapped him on the shoulder and strode from the room. The door slid shut behind him and Spock looked at his sleeping bondmate. He allowed himself to don a small smile as he leant over and ran his fingers over the blondes. The blonde shifted ad his fingers curled against the Vulcans.

XXX

The video spread like wild fire on the ship.

XXX

Jim was the only who didn't know of the video. He didn't quite understand why Spock whispered the words 'I love you so much, t'hy'la' when they had sex. But he could feel that the Vulcan genuinely meant it.

Spock was mentally aware of Jim's boundless love for him, and vice versa, but hearing it physically expressed and with so much enthusiasm made even Spock's 'Vulcan' heart swell with affection. To know that Jim relied and trusted him after going through everything he had, was incredible.

It made Spock genuinely pleased.

XXX

If people stopped to stare at Jim on the bridge or among the halls of the ship with something a bit more than the usual fondness, the blonde didn't notice.

XXX

"Uhura! What is this?" Jim howled across the mess.

The brunette looked up from her lunch to see her Captain with a PADD in his hands. Everyone knew what was on it, and everyone just looked amused by their flushed Captain.

She glanced at Carol who had a grin on her face and stood quickly. She gave her captain a pleasant smile as she took a step back before turning and sprinting from the mess.

XXX

Jim broke his arm and got a concussion when he fell down the stairs in engineering chasing after Uhura.

XXX

Spock nodded along with Leonard when he escorted Jim into the med bay.

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_Authors Notes: _

watch?v=IqebEymqFS8

_That is the link for the video that inspired this story. If you haven't watched it I ADVISE YOU DO. IT IS SIMPLY TOO CUTE FOR WORDS._

_Since school has started and I have been miserable I haven't been able to work on the long one-shot I've been writing. I saw the most adorable video on Youtube, and I just really wanted to write it with these two dorks. _

_It's just a quick little thing and I apologize for not updating in a while, but I've been so stressed from school. My lap top, ladies and gentleman also now has a humongous crack on the left hand side of the screen making it difficult to see. _

_I really need a new lap top. _

_Thank you all so much for the lovely feedback! Remember guys, I take requests and prompts! _

_Also, what do you guys think of GENDERBENT? I think it only works for Star Trek because of like aliens and future and all of that. _

_Thanks again! Lots of Love (or Lots of Logic in Spock's case) _

_~rousey_


	7. For camitake

_For camitake: _

_Just Don't Break Him More Than He's been Broken_

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"Captain?"

Jim hummed in question, his eyes falling on Nyota. He turned slightly in his chair and licked his lips when he saw her frown.

"Yes Uhura?"

"We're being hailed," she said slowly. Jim realized she must have repeated herself, due to the strange looks he was being given.

"On screen," he murmured, turning back to the front of the bridge. "Please."

The image of an emaciated woman appeared on the screen. A gentle smile graced her tired face and she bowed her head in greeting.

"Captain Kirk. In parting, I wish you safe travels, and I give you my utmost thanks." Her thin lips parted slightly and her head tilted to the side. Her sunken gray eyes grew sad as they narrowed in understanding. Jim flinched, his legs uncrossing. He sat forward slightly and met her eyes. "I feared this. Do not be sad, child. You have prevented far worse," she praised softly, "We are in your debt."

"I just wish you didn't have to be," he smiled sadly. She shook her head carefully, her black hair seeming too big for her for her shrunken face.

He felt his crew's eyes on him, calculating, confused and unsure. He kept his eyes trained on her, a fierce blue seeming a bit dull. The last two days accounted for that.

"Things in your past ultimately lead to how you act in the future. I'm grateful for your knack of disobeying the prime directive. Thank you for stepping in. I must go now. There is sickness that needs healing."

"I won't keep you," Jim nodded, "I'm glad we could be some sort of help."

"Such a bright light," she mused. Her graceful smile was her parting. The call disconnected and Jim let out a breath, visibly sagging in his chair. He waited a moment, collecting his thoughts before clapping his hands together.

"Take us out Sulu," the blonde said standing. Sulu glanced at Pavel and they shared a look. The curly haired navigator stared at Jim for a moment before turning around. He stated the next coordinates and Sulu got to work.

"Spock you have the con, I need to go," the captain trailed off, his voice dying in his throat. He stared at the floor for a moment, mouth opening and closing. He had forgotten. His eyebrows furrowed and from the corner of his eyes he saw Uhura openly staring at him. His thoughts clicked into place and he nodded to himself. "Right. I need to go see Bones."

He hopped on to the lift before anybody could protest. The door's slid shut and for a moment the whir of the ship seemed too loud. When he heart beat seemed to pick up in his chest and he couldn't hear over it, he stopped the lift. He leant against the wall. His head clunked back against the wall and he took in a steadying breath.

He started the lift again, wiping the cold sweat from the back of his neck. He needed to clear his mind. He skipped the hypo he was going to get from Leonard for his aching head and went to his room. He changed out of his uniform and into a pair or running shorts and a t-shirt.

"_Jim," Bones snapped, "Get me my bag." The blonde, his head not quite on his shoulders, stumbled over and reached for the doctor's equipment. "She's going into shock. Keep her head elevated." _

_Jim nodded, collapsing to her knees in the dirt. His hands lifting the girls delicate head carefully. Her black hair felt oily against his skin, and her skin was clammy to the touch. His eyes traced over the bones protruding from her neck and shoulders. She only wore a t-shirt that was cut into a tank top and a pair of shorts that were torn._

_She looked about 12 years old. She looked far too familiar that it hurt. _

He shook his head, and finished tying up his sneakers he hadn't realized he had put on. He strode out of his and Spock's room and headed down to the gym. He knew he couldn't just end his shift whenever he wanted to. He knew that that wasn't fair. There was only 10 minutes before shifts switched however, so he didn't think it'd be that big of a deal. He needed to clear his head if he was going to be able to do the ships logs at all.

He strode into the gym, happy it was mostly empty. It was an odd time to go in and work out. People were most likely finishing up their work from the last mission before they went and did something to relax.

"_They look miserable," Uhura murmured. She jumped when a man grabbed her shoulder. His weathered looking face stared at her, his pale blue eyes all but staring into her. She stumbled back slightly and Bones pressed a hand to her back to prevent her from falling. _

"_Who are you people?" he whispered in his language. Jim looked at Uhura and she swallowed, nodding at him. _

"_We're here to help," she responded carefully. "We are going to help you." _

_The man looked uncertain and he took a step back, bowing his head. He apologized for scaring her and she shook her head hurriedly. Their race was a gentle one. They were empaths mixed with telepaths. You were one or the other, nothing at all, but rarely both. _

_Their eye color depicted what they were. Blue eyed people were empaths, green eyes belonged to telepaths, brown eyes bore nothing, and gray eyes had the ability of both. _

Jim stepped on to the treadmill and set his speed, biting at his lower lip. He felt Spock's presence in the back of his mind. It was comforting, soothing really, but when a seed of question formed, Jim put up his shields. The Vulcan, Jim knew, understood the action. Spock could easily get past his shields, but he always chose not to.

Jim always had a reason for putting them up.

When he started to run, he felt his heart begin to hammer in his chest. It felt good, natural. Running always cleared his mind. He focused on the sound of breathing and the heavy footfall against the machine.

"_1,000 are dead, Captain Kirk. To my understanding, none have resorted to cannibalism." _

Jim set the speed higher, feeling the sweat beading on his forehead.

"_You are troubled, young one. So much horror in your past. You're light, it is still shining brighter than any I have ever seen." _

Jim heard a wheeze he didn't quite process as his own. His hands balled into fists and he shook his head, trying to shake away the thoughts.

"_You cannot lie. I know you have experienced horrors similar to these, James T. Kirk. You are brave to come planet side and give personal aid. Not many would." _

"Fuck," Jim cursed weakly.

XXX

He coughed feebly. His body felt too heavy.

"Shit," he breathed eyes opening. He stared at the ceiling of his room and brought a heavy hand up to his face to rub at it. "_Shit_."

"Yeah, that sounds about right," a voice commented, "You look like crap."

Leonard crossed his arms. He leant against Jim's desk as he watched his friend stir. The blonde shifted under the blankets, eyes tightening before they slid open again.

He stared at the brunette for a moment, lips twitching as hid eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"I did-"

"You passed out in the gym. Chekov found you 2 hours ago. Dehydrated, irregular pulse, pale... When's the last time you ate kid?"

Jim blinked, still trying to wake up. He had a feeling that was the case. It felt far too early to be interrogated already however. He rolled his shoulders with a sharp intake of air and stretched out his skinny legs.

He sat up slowly. His bones creaked and snapped in protest and he groaned. He coughed again, his mouth as dry as New Vulcan.

"Wow I feel like shit."

"Answer my question Jim."

The captain looked at his friend standing only a few feet away. He chuckled weakly at Leonard's frustrated face and shook his head. He shrugged his shoulders once as he stared down at his outstretched legs.

"Does that mean you don't know? Cause I'll go ask Spock, but I figured you rather him not know the reason you went out like a light while running a damned marathon was because you're _not eating_," the doctor snapped.

It was genuine anger, and Jim flinched at the tone. McCoy was angry- no he was _pissed_. Jim knew Bones did grumpy like no one he had ever met before. But when Bones was genuinely angry, it was strange, because you could tell.

But Bones wasn't just pissed off to Earth and back; he was worried. Jim knew that because Bones didn't know how to help.

"I ate yesterday morning." When Leonard's frown deepened Jim looked to the side to stare at the wall. He turned his tongue over in his mouth, feeling Bones' eyes burn into him. "Alright, two days ago, at lunch. I didn't mean to," he expeditiously explained.

"Damn it Jim," he grunted shaking his head. He went to turn and leave and Jim flew out of the bed. The last thing he wanted was to be in a fight with anyone.

Before Jim could grab his friend's arm, he collapsed to the ground in a heap if limbs. His eyesight darkened around the edges and he heard a faint ringing.

He heard Leonard calling his name and he shook his head, taking in breaths.

"Dizzy," he got out. He felt hands grasp his shoulder, and they helped sit him up. "I'm okay, I'm alright."

"That's a good one Jim," Bones said, sounding farther away than he was. "Come on, try and stand up."

The blonde, never knowing when to take it easy, stood up too fast, faintly hearing the doctor's shout of protest.

Jim swayed dangerously on his feet and he felt an arm slip around his side, as his arm slid around Bones' neck.

He was suddenly being laid down on the bed.

"You're weak from hunger you idiot. Stay still. I'm going to get some nutrients hypos and food."

"I've gone longer with much less Bones," he said hoarsely. He licked his lips as he stared up at him. Bones stared down at him, eyes losing some of their anger, and filled with sadness. Leonard didn't want to hear that. He didn't want to _know_ that.

"You don't have to anymore, that's what's different," Leonard said quietly. He left, glancing over his shoulder making sure Jim didn't get up this time.

When the door slid shut behind his friend, his head fell back against the pillow. Ignoring how badly he just fucked up with Bones, he thought of Spock. He called for his lover through their bond and flinched at the amount of concern radiating from Spock.

His head was suddenly filled with worry, and the pressure in his temples became worse. That worry was replaced with love and comfort and Jim breathed out an apology through their link. He genuinely was. He didn't mean for anything to get that far.

Spock's conscious curled around his, squeezing comfortingly and molding against his own, trying to sooth the aches and bad thoughts.

He wasn't off the hook just yet, he knew, but by the way Spock's mind was curling around his like a cat did a ball of string, he knew the Vulcan wasn't angry with him.

XXX

"He is alright though, da?" Chekov asked, his voice holding a lot of concern. His eyes were wide in anxiousness. His hands were behind his back and he was staring at the doctor like Leonard was about to give him the worst news possible.

"He's fine, Pavel," Leonard assured him, "He just worked himself too hard again."

"I see," Chekov said nodding. He had a look on his face and the doctor pinched the bridge of his nose. Why was he always stuck with the most difficult things? Dealing with an upset kid was worse than nearly getting himself blown up along with a pretty woman because of a stupid torpedo. A pang of sadness went through his chest at the thought of his daughter and he sighed, turning to face Chekov.

"Really, kid. He's busy eating and being yelled at by Spock no doubt," he explained, placing a hand on the young man's shoulder. "It's good you found him when you did." Spock probably wasn't yelling, he was probably raising that eyebrow of doom and glaring like a pissed off cat. The brunette snorted at the thought and shook his head. "In fact, you look tired. Go eat something and head off to bed, alright?"

The curly haired Russian nodded after a minute and headed out of the med bay. Leonard wasn't an idiot. He knew that the whole ship was going to know Jim collapsed within a couple of hours. If Chekov told Sulu or Scotty (he told both it turns out) the ship would be a gossip machine. Those two were worse than two housewives at church on a Saturday.

McCoy shook his head, rubbing the back of his neck. He got back to work with reports from their latest mission, preparing himself to be reminded of the horrible things they all saw.

The amount of care his crew had for Jim was astounding.

Jim was such an idiot.

XXX

Spock awoke when Jim got up. He remained quiet however, simply watching his lover from his warm spot on the bed.

Jim often got up in the middle of the night (or what was night on the ship anyways) and Spock learned to make nothing of it unless Jim was upset. It was true he slept more than he ever did since pursuing a relationship with his Captain. Jim liked the company, and Spock liked being close to his bondmate when he was so vulnerable.

Also given the events of the day, he figured it wise to be close to his troubled mate.

It was odd sleeping with Jim though; different than sleeping alone mostly, but very different than from sleeping with Uhura, even.

Uhura kept to herself mostly, when she slept. Spock never minded when she'd rest her head on his shoulder or chest. In many ways, the way they behaved in their relationship reflected in how they slept with one another.

This could be said for his and Jim's sleeping habits as well.

There were nights where Jim would be pressed against Spock like he was super glued there; or perhaps curled up in a ball on the other side of the bed. Other nights, he'd toss and turn and bump into Spock endlessly as he murmured things under his breath; some nights he was as quiet as a mouse and barely moved, still in the same position he was when he fell asleep.

As Jim was always unexpectedly doing things Spock either understood, or had a difficulty comprehending, the way he slept mirrored his sporadic behavior. There was no pattern. James Kirk and patterns didn't mix well in most cases, or So Spock inferred.

So Jim would awake, and he would make himself busy. He'd do logs or reports, read, clean the chess board, go through his clothes and fold them neatly, perhaps take a shower, or even sometimes simply sit there and look at the few pictures decorating his desk.

Tonight was a looking night.

Spock turned on his side to view his captain sitting in his cushioned desk chair, his feet drawn up and chin resting on his knees, holding a picture in his hands. Upon looking a bit closer, the Vulcan noticed it was a picture of Jim and Chris Pike. The older man had his arm slung around the blonde's shoulders, and both had matching grins and crinkled eyes as they laughed about the good events of the day it was taken. It was a nice picture.

Spock let his eyes wander up to Jim's face. He didn't look sad, just a bit wistful. His entire face was relaxed, bathed in the very low light of their room. In fact, a serene smile was painted on his lips and there was affection gleaming in his eyes.

"I know you're awake," Jim said softly. His voice was a bit hoarse from sleep. "You're staring at me like a pissed off cat."

"As are you," Spock said, propping himself up on his elbow. He slowly rose into a sitting position. He stretched his shoulders slightly, stiff from his early position and tilted his head to the side.

"Couldn't sleep," Jim murmured. His feet slipped from the chair and he leant forward to put the picture back on the desk. "Thinking too much."

"Come back to bed ashayam," Spock murmured. The blonde rose and paddled back to the bed, climbing in beside his boyfriend. He leant against his lover's naturally warmer side and sighed. "What has you so restless tonight?"

"I… I've been thinking about the last mission," Jim admitted.

"I have inferred as much," Spock said softly, running his hand along the back of the blonde's neck. The muscles were tense there. Jim seemed to melt under his gentle touch and lean back into it. "Your hair is getting quite long."

"Carol told me that this morning," Jim chuckled tiredly. He brought a hand up to run it through his bed head and smiled weakly at the thought of the exuberant science officer. "I'll have it cut soon."

Spock mentally scolded himself for causing their discussion to get off topic. Getting Jim to talk about the things that were bothering him was difficult enough.

Jim remained quiet for a few minutes. The sounds of his even breaths made Spock's eyes droop slightly. It was comforting, as well as the persistent touch of his mate. That was another way Jim was very different from Uhura. Jim was, surprisingly and yet not so surprisingly at all, _very_ touchy.

Jim loved like he had never been loved before. He'd been told (by a very angry Doctor McCoy) that Jim had difficulties trusting people, which was understandable. He was told (again by the same person) that the blonde didn't just open up to anybody and love them so much. Jim gave everything, or he gave nothing at all. That was the only way he knew how to love.

He's been learning how to love and care for people though; his crew helped him every day. He was learning to trust again, slowly and surely.

Uhura (further assuring the Vulcan that the woman did really care about Jim) warned him to give the blonde as much as Spock could, physically, mentally and emotionally. Spock feared at first that he would not be able to do so, though the past few months proved his doubts to be false.

By a very cautious Sulu, he was told to try and understand that whatever Jim does, there's always a reason for it. It may make sense to the average person, or it may only make sense in Jim's chaotic mind. But there was always point _a_ and point _b_ that Jim connected when he did things.

Chekov informed him that his family owned nuclear vessels (ahem nuclear _vwessels_) when the two had been fighting about something silly at one point. The Vulcan took the implied threat with a nod of the head and no furthering explanation on the Russian's part.

Carol, having not known Jim for so long, was a bit different. She simply told Spock to care for Jim the way he cared for his mother, and to multiply that love and affection considerably. He was alarmed for a moment, but he figured Uhura had told her past events and stories on the ship that had transpired.

"Ya hurt the kid, in any bloody way, Vulcan or not I'll kick the ever loving shit outta ya with a wrench, capiche?" Scotty had asked casually over his sandwich in the mess. The scot had been one of the last to know about their relationship, and at first he approved of it just as much as Leonard did. "Jim's a mouthy little one, and if you go stranglin' him every time he gets snarky than we'll have problems, you're damned sure we will."

The engineer was more blatant with his threats than the navigator had been, but really everyone's words held the same meaning.

Don't hurt Jim.

"That planet… It reminded me of Tarsus," he murmured.

"Tarsus IV," Spock said slowly, comprehending that. "It's condition when we arrived was strikingly similar to that of the colony's on Tarsus, yes."

Jim nodded.

"This upsets you," Spock said cautiously.

Jim nodded again.

"Remember," Jim paused, trying to form the correct words in his mind, "Remember when we first bonded? You told me that if there was anything I wasn't ready to share with you, I'd have to imagine a door, and that everything related to it was locked behind that door."

"I do," Spock responded, the words tasting sour on his tongue. He wasn't stupid. Emotionally naive perhaps in some cases, but by no means stupid. "Why do you bring this up now?" he asked, his voice weak, even to his own ears.

"I have a feeling you know why, Spock."

The Vulcan's eyes slipped shut and he breathed out through his nose. Jim pushed closer and the brunette responded by wrapping his arms around the blonde tightly.

"I, I want to show you. You can say no," Jim said expeditiously, "But I need to- if I'm going to-"

"I understand Jim," he said firmly. Jim shifted and sat across from the Vulcan. He looked paler than normal, his relaxed face now seeming so tense. It made him look older than he was. Spock trailed the tips of his fingers over the skin of his lover's bare chest, savoring the feel of cool smooth skin. He could feel the raw pain thrumming beneath his skin; the burn of horrors witnessed at a far too young age in the blood pulsing through his veins.

"Smo'ni," Spock tsked softly, when Jim lifted Spock's hand to his face. The Vulcan leant forward and pressed a sweet kiss to the blonde's head. "Do not think I will not think of you the same after you've allowed me to do this, ashaya. Promise me this."

"That's hard to promise," Jim murmured truthfully.

Spock pressed his forehead to the young captains, and pressed his fingers to the meld points of his lovers face. Both of their uncertainty's morphed together, slowly followed by their thoughts. In a rush of emotion, Spock knew he was in a full meld. Jim's mind was always so expressive and diverse.

The little door always tucked away in the back of the blonde's mind was open. Spock allowed himself to enter it, not quite sure if he was prepared for it.

"_-Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society. Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony. Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death-" _

_The last few words of Kodos, Tarsus's governor, were practically drowned out by the outrage and panic of the crowd of 4,000. Spock looked over a young Jim Kirk, though nobody could see him. He was imposing on memories, and couldn't intervene. _

_Jim was only 14 when this happened. The Vulcan sensed an overwhelming amount of fear and anxiety and felt Jim's katra curl around his own, his nervousness apparent in relaying these memories to Spock. _

_He saw a clear view of the governor's face, even from how far back he was in the crowd. He felt distress strike through him as he watched soldiers march across the stage and lift their guns. _

"_Kevin," Jim barked, through the panic. Everyone was trying to run every which way. People were being pushed over and trampled to death. Screams pierced the stale air, along with the sound of gunfire ricocheting and the dull thuds of bodies hitting the dirt ground. The small blonde grabbed at a brown haired child. "Grab any kid you can and run." It was a childish demand, foolish, but Jim's actions were the reason he was alive today. _

_Kevin O'Riley was younger than Jim himself, 10 years old. He nodded frantically, his face pale. Spock watched Jim grab kids and run, followed by a young Kevin. He hadn't known Kevin was one of the surviving 9 either. _

_The scene slowly faded out and was replaced with a calmer one. _

_Five children, of various ages were sitting under a tree. They were huddled close, as the nights were chilly and they couldn't light a fire. _

"_I don't hear well," a little girl admitted quietly. She looked to be about 7 or 8. She had beautiful red hair, vibrant, even with the mud dirtying it. Her green eyes shone with fresh tears. The little boy to her left, seemingly the same age, squeezed her knee and shook his head. _

_He couldn't speak. Spock wasn't sure why he couldn't. Distantly, Jim was informing him that Andrew was mute. Spock nodded along, watching the children converse quietly in the dark. Kevin was leaning against Jim slightly. A black haired girl was sitting on his other side. Jim had an arm around her protectively. _

"_I have a mile long list of allergies," Jim told them all, "And my eye sight could be better. My immune system also sucks. But you know what, we're all still here. So don't forget that." He was quiet for a moment, staring at him looking a bit overwhelmed. "You guys all need to sleep." _

_The other children remained silent; their shivers were drowned out by the _whoosh_ of the wind blowing the tree's branches. _

"_I'll find us more blankets," Jim said standing suddenly. _

"_You're going alone?" Kevin asked sitting up. The black haired girl looked at the blonde and shook her head hurriedly. _

"_Jimmy the last time you left, you came back limping and bloody." Her voice is as light as air, and her dark eyes seemed wise for her young age. _

"_I know," he sighed, "Kevin I'm leaving you in charge. I know that's tough, but you know what to do if someone's nearby." _

"_Into the trees," Kevin said softly, biting at his lip. Kevin was the second oldest in the group._

"_You'll be fine." _

"_I'm not worried about us," the child snapped at him. "Just, don't do anything stupid. Please." _

'_We need you' went unsaid, but Jim understood it plain enough. _

"_I'll do my best," Jim joked quietly. He punched a far too skinny Kevin lightly on the shoulder before adjusting his boots and heading off. _

_The next scene was whisked away and another one trickled in._

"_Quiet," Jim whispered. They were all up in a tree. Jim was staring down at soldiers who were only a few feet away from the base of the tree. The red head, her name was Jenny, had tears streaming down her face. She clasped a hand over her mouth to hold back her sobs. _

"_You have to do something," Kevin whispered sharply "Katy is down there."_

"_Kevin," Jim said in warning. He knew he had to. He knew he had to save her and get them all to safety. He had been doing so for a while now. A spark of anger erupted in him at Kevin's words, but he remembered that he was only a child. His eyes never left the little girl on the ground staring up at the two men in horrific fear. She had blood trickling down her chin from where she had been slapped roughly. _

"_Is there any more of you?" the taller of the two snapped at her. _

_She stared at them, body physically shaking. She began to shake her head and Jim pressed his lips together in a thin line. She was so very brave. _

"_No," she said, her voice weaker than her frail body, "It's just me." _

_Jim's hand clasped over Jenny's mouth before she could scream as the little girl was shot in the chest. _

_Katy was only 9 years old. _

_Agony flooded through Spock as he felt what Jim had in those moments. _

_Despair that that little girl would know no life besides suffering. Anger towards the two men who savagely killed her. Horror that the children beside him saw something so horrendous at such a young age. _

_Guilt for not doing anything. _

_The horrid memory dripped away, the faces of the emaciated and sobbing children haunting Spock's conscious. The eerie feeling was replaced as the next scene materialized. It was the remaining four children splashing at one another in a river. _

"_Cold right down to my bones," Kevin laughed as he splashed at Jenny. The red head squealed and latched on to Jim's bony back, hiding behind him. Jim laughed, picking her up as best as he could, given his weakened state and tossed her into the water. Andrew tackled Kevin and the two wrestled in the ice cold water. _

_Jim laughed as he watched Andrew get a better grip on Kevin's slippery thin arm and push him down into the water. Jenny giggled as Jim pushed them both beneath the water with a victorious hoot. _

_The almost pleasant memory ended abruptly_

"_Such a pretty face," a man snickered. Spock's anger flared up before he could stop it at the scene displayed in front of him. A man, far older and bigger than Jim had the blonde up against the wall. His hand was crushing the skinny's teen's jaw, fingers wrapped around it, squishing the blonde's cheeks slightly. Jim's weight in this scene indicated it was a different time entirely. He was bony, hollowed, fragile looking. _

_He had the same fire in his eyes. _

"_Let me go," he said as best as he could. The soldier laughed in his face and his lips pulled back into a sneer. _

"_Tell you what. You help me out, and I'll give you my dinner for the evening. And if you do it good, I won't tell anyone that you're out here." _

_Spock felt his mind retract slightly before he was pushed back at the scene. His soul was aching. The blonde in the scene was staring at him, eyes narrowing and lips parting slightly. _

"_Throw in a med kit and I'll pretend to like it," Jim said hoarsely. _

_Pain flowed through their bond and Spock recoiled away from the memory. He wished to clamp his eyes shut, but one couldn't do that in a meld. _

_The image was gone before Spock could witness what happened. This one took place in the morning. They were standing around the edge of the woods. _

"_What is that?" _

_The quiet question was asked by Kevin. He was standing next to Jim, staring at the colony that seemed so far away. They were hiding along the edges of the woods, staring at what was once a new chance at life. _

"_It's a shuttle," Jim breathed, "They're going to help us." _

"_Why are they so late?" Jenny asked softly. She was on Jim's back. It was amazing that Jim could even carry her given his state. _

"_Be happy they arrived at all," Jim pointed out. His face was littered with bruises, but it seemed relaxed through all of the dirt on his pale skin. Relief washed over them and Jim smiled at them. "Let's get out of here." _

_He took Andrew's hand and nodded at Kevin to follow and began to walk towards the shuttle craft. _

The meld fizzled out as Spock began to disconnect with Jim's mind. He was sure there was more too see, more to hear or feel, but the memories he had been shared were most likely the most prominent ones that his bondmate remembered.

Jim could feel before he could see, and he roughly pushed himself into the brunette's chest, shoulders shaking. He blinked, his head knocking slightly against Spock's chin.

Spock pressed his nose against the top of the blonde's head and took in a breath, trying to steady himself in his lover's familiar scent. He wrapped his arms around his lover, eyes tightly shut and lips pulled into a thinner line than usual.

"That soldier," Jim started. He swallowed the lump in his throat and Spock almost wanted to tell him to remain quiet. That he didn't have to speak if he didn't want to. "He never did anything to me Spock. When he threw me on the ground, I grabbed a rock and I hit him over the head. I still got what I needed."

Some of the tension in Spock's shoulders eased at that and he pulled back to look at Jim. Blue eyes were watery, and plush lips were quaking with the effort to hold back sobs.

"Ashayam," Spock murmured, his hand caressing the blonde's face. He tried to give as many calming and pleasant thoughts as he could to the riled up man in his arms. "Do not hold it back."

It was like the flood gates opened. Jim darted forward, hiding his face in Spock's chest as a sob tore from his throat. The brunette held on to him, whispering soft words in Vulcan near his ear as Jim began to weep.

His quivering breath's caused him to choke slightly. He mashed his face into Spock's firm chest and gripped at his shirt, shaking his head. The Vulcan sat there, his lips pursed and a crease between his eyebrows. He rubbed idly at the blonde's back, feeling it shudder and lurch under his touch.

Spock didn't count the minutes his mate allowed himself to hurt and open up in his arms. That wasn't important.

"I'm sorry," Jim croaked pulling back. He rubbed roughly at his eyes and sniffled, running the heal of his palm under his nose. "I don't usually, get that- I think it was the meld." Another breathless sob left his throat and he buried his face in his bony hands. After a minute, he dragged them over his face and looked up at Spock.

"I am not judging you, Jim. Though I think the term is wrong given the current moment, I do understand."

Jim laughed wetly and flung his arms around the brunette's neck, his wet face pushed against the skin of his warm neck.

"I wasn't prepared to see some of that all over again," he admitted, his voice getting softer as he spoke. "I didn't think watching Katy- watching her die like that would freak me out so much. I knew it was going to happen, it's just- God Spock she was just so _brave_. I knew there was always something about her that I liked. Something about her that was _different_."

He took in a shuddering breath and slowly exhaled shaking his head. He pulled back and smiled at Spock sadly, his tear streaked cheek's flushed from the crying.

"I agree," Spock said, his hands trailing up his lover's bare and muscular arms. It was strange to think of them as once being practically skin and bones. "She showed bravery, and if I am correct, she showed boundless love."

New tears streamed down Jim's face and this time his smile was not sad.

"Yeah," he agreed, "You're right. You're absolutely right."

Spock, confused by his lovers fluctuating emotions, squeezed his shoulder reassuringly and nodded.

"I love you," Jim murmured, "So much. I'm completely yours now. You know it all. Everything. You know more than _Bones_ does."

"Thank you for allowing me something so private, ashaya," Spock said evenly, "Even if the content of it was horrid, I am grateful you trust me enough to see it."

He felt some sort of emotion he could not quite comprehend at the knowledge of him knowing more about Jim than Leonard.

"The term is 'smug'," Jim snorted having heard his lover's thoughts, "And you have every right to be. Bones would be jealous."

Spock raised an eyebrow and wiped at the tear tracks on his lovers face. He became amused when Jim yawned and smacked his lips dramatically.

"Do you think you are able to sleep?"

"Perhaps, Mr. Spock, perhaps," Jim mumbled, cupping his hand over the Vulcans. He dragged his fingers over the Vulcan's knuckles and smiled when the corners of Spock's lips twisted up ever so slightly.

"Let us lie down," Spock suggested quietly. He was pleased to know the reasons behind Jim's strange behavior for the last couple of days. There were small tremors still trilling through his lover's body, which was to be expected.

"Yeah," Jim nodded simply. "Lets."

XXX

The crew looked on wistfully at the Vulcan and human bickering over breakfast.

"If you would have told me two years ago that they'd complement each other so perfectly, I would have called you crazy," Nyota chuckled, a beautiful smile gracing her lips. She took a sip of coffee and shook her head as Jim slapped at Spock's shoulder when the Vulcan said something.

"I dunno how that Vulcan does it," Scotty said around a bite of bacon, "He gets through ta' Jim like nobody I've ever seen." It was said with a bit of fondness for the both of them.

"Probably has to do with their crazy mind bond voodoo," Sulu snorted, "You can't say they're anything short of perfect for one another though."

"It's not that," Carol said, sitting down beside the pilot, "Silly. Jim trusts him."

The crew stared at her and she gave them all a pleasant smile. She tucked her blonde hair behind her ear before lifting her fork to her mouth.

"Hey," Jim greeted them sitting down beside Chekov. They were all taking in Jim's appearance looking for any cracks in his happy façade. But they found none. "Guess what Spock did this morning."

"Jim," Spock said sternly, sitting on the opposite side of the table next to Uhura.

"Take a guess," Jim grinned devilishly. "Never mind that, I'm just gonna tell you. He fell out of bed! Right on his ass!"

The crew laughed at Spock's murderous glare at the blonde who was too busy giggling to take notice of it. It probably wouldn't have been as funny if Jim wasn't so psyched to tell them all about it.

"You're all wrong," Bones grouched as his laughter died down, "They're both just idiots."

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_Authors Notes: _

_Translations: Smo'ni - wait _

_I hoped this was what you were looking for camitake! I tried to make it more original, since everyone pretty much follows the same patterns when they write about Jim and Tarsus. I don't think it ended up being all that different though. Oh well! I hoped you liked it anyways! _

_Also if I got an facts wrong about Jim and Tarsus, sue me lol there's not a lot to go on._

_Also, I think I'm going to start that high school AU! I already started to tweak and change some things and I'm going to change the plot of the story a bit. Sadly I don't know when I'll be able to actually put it up since lacrosse nights are starting up in my school, followed by the actual basketball season. And I have three tests I need to study for unfortunately. _

_But it will be up eventually! I promise you that!_

_Thank you all SO SO SO MUCH for the LOVELY feedback. It warms my heart to read it. I also apologize for spelling and/or grammar. _

_Thanks a bunch!_

_~rousey_


	8. The Obvious Truth

_8) The Obvious Truth_

_._

_._

_._

_I'm not even dating the page. I hate this so much already. I slept all day. I feel like pudding in a bag. I feel like an elephant stomped on my rib cage and then sat on my head. I miss elephants. I wish they were still around. I'm not on the good stuff right now, though I wish I was. My head wouldn't hurt so much then. And maybe I'd think elephants were still around. _

…

_Friday_

_Just not gonna put that date. There's my defiance. Pike would be proud. That's a whole other can of worms I don't wanna open. Not even in this stupid journal. Yeah, writing my feelings down really makes me feel better Doc. Just dandy. Do people say that still? They should. I think writing my feelings down is real fucking dandy. Catch my sarcasm? Did I make it obvious enough? Jesus all this is doing is making me depressed and like I'm on Tarsus all over again. _

…

_Sunday_

_Turns out doctor 'tell me everything about you because I'm a psychologist and I said so' didn't know I was on Tarsus either. Well what the fuck. What exactly are you doing when you're working? You're not having sessions with me because a nut job decided to kill anyone he didn't deem good enough. I'm pretty sure our sessions have to do with a deranged superhuman and me getting cooked inside out in a hyped up microwave. Jesus is this my life now? That's like something out of a goddamn movie. Should of just drank more instead of listening when Pike came into that bar._

…

_Monday_

_You know I get the feeling that Uhura doesn't actually hate me. I mean, I know she doesn't. Who can hate Jim Kirk? Apparently Jim Kirk can. And maybe Bones on a good day. And Spock when he's overly emotional and bordering on psychotic. God everyone can hate me for at least one thing, who am I kidding. But anyways, Uhura brought me cake. It was damn good too and it was even better watching the nurse turn purple in frustration because once again I wasn't following their meal plan. Bones always said I needed to gain a little weight. Here's the chance! Seize the day! I just smeared frosting on this page in defiance! I don't know why Uhura was smiling like a little devil though. I'm excepting to drop dead any minute, in case she poisoned the cake. It was good though, if it were to be my last cake. Today was a good day I guess. I owe it to her I guess. I might have to buy her boots. Or a blow up doll with some pointy ears because we all know she's probably not getting any from Spock. _

…

_Apparently yesterday was my birthday. You know, sleeping for two weeks really screws a person up. Also sleeping in intervals of 17 hours. I was bitching to Bones about how no one ever comes to visit me here in my glory here in the hospital, and he told me I was always out like a light when they did.  
But good news. The cake wasn't poisoned. Obviously. I mean this COULD be an imposter, in fact this could not be me at all. You don't know. Whoever's going to read this I mean. Not that I'd ever let anyone read this. If 'I' is even Jim Kirk. Look I'm bored okay. It's dark out and I'm supposed to be eating chicken soup that tastes like dirty water and ass. I got to get through this hell somehow. I'm resorting to this journal. I've hit a new low. Send help (or more cake) god did I really not know it was my birthday? _

…

_Wednesday_

_Spock came by today. I was awake for it and everything, even though I kind of fell asleep at the end of the visit. I wonder if he stayed. I mean, blankets don't just pull themselves up. It could have been Bones, or a nurse, I guess. We played chess for a while and talked about pretty much nothing. Being with someone besides someone who was ready to stick me with a hypo was nice though. His hair looked a little longer than normal. Maybe Uhura wants him to grow it out. They're gonna make adorable babies I think. Scary babies, but cute. He promised me he'd bring soup next time he came, and a book for me to read he thought I'd find interesting. It's funny, thinking about Vulcan's being thoughtful. Vulcan's are just funny. They're kind of those people who just make you happy when they're around. God I hate this fucking journal. _

…

_Thursday _

_I GOT UP TODAY. Let's ignore the fact that I fell shortly after and Bones had to take a moment and laugh his ass off. Glad someone was having fun. My legs are literally jello. I'm going to eat them. I may or may not be on drugs right now. I'm writing kind of sloppy. The nurse was  
Well fuck I forgot what I was gonna say. Scotty stopped in. Bastard was probably laughing at my bruised face. Because he was laughing. Not really. But I could tell. Bones totally told everyone I ate shit on the hospital floor because I'm not used to walking yet. He told me about the progress of the Enterprise and how she's doing. I miss her. I miss being in space. I miss the crew, I miss a lot of the people we lost. This is getting depressing. Scotty was saying something about Chekov not sleeping for three days because he was working. God that kid was real dedicated to his work. I really, and I'm not just saying this, I really hope it was just his work. I don't even have the excuse of work here. _

…

_Friday _

_Anxiety sucks. People who care suck. This fucking journal sucks. Vulcan's who aren't supposed to fucking feel anything fucking suck. Fuck. _

…

_Saturday _

_I wonder what Elephants felt like when they realized that they were going extinct. You know, one day we're gonna need one of these goddamn animals that are extinct, something silly like humpback whales or something, in order to survive, and we're not gonna have them. You know, Uhura's got a really nice singing voice. She was upset when she came to visit me today. She was quieter than normal, and her eyes were red. She also had her hair down, which has nothing to do with her emotions, but I just thought I'd mention it because it's really long. Like really long. I didn't realize how long it was. I didn't ask her why she was upset. I don't know if that makes me a bad person or if it was ok because she didn't want me to point it out anyway. She laid down on the hospital bed with me. I was going to joke about finally getting her into bed but she started singing and god this is gonna sound really cheesy, but her voice was like an angels. Powerful yet delicate and really smooth. Her hands kept moving too, smoothing out the sheets, playing with the hair on my arms, tapping my knuckles. To be honest, it felt like I had a little sister. I always wanted a little sister if you want to know the truth. I guess the crew is my family and I guess that's why I don't know how to act around them sometimes. I'm kind of wishing to know what was causing her to be so upset now. I wish I had the balls to ask her.  
-Jim _

…

_Monday_

_Yesterday was a shit storm. Ladies and gentlemen, I walked down the hallway and back with a pretty little nurse on my arm. Her names Susan. I felt like a god among men. It's a real shame that once I got to the end of the hall and saw Spock through the glass of the doctor's office speaking to Bones I had a panic attack. I mean, it had to be that. I just woke up a few minutes ago. I patted myself on the back for realizing it was indeed not Sunday anymore. Bones told me not to sit up. Look more defiance. You know, I'm getting real tired of the smell of bleach and old people. Not that there's anything wrong with old people, but why do hospitals have to smell like them? I guess I'm gonna have to get used to it if the sight of my science officer through glass freaks me out. I wish there was someone in my room with me at least, so I could drown myself in their problems instead of my own. God my psychologist really has a handful doesn't she? My feet are cold and my eyes hurt. Sulu's also walking in.  
-Jim_

…

_Tuesday_

_I've come to the conclusion that I owe a lot of people my life. I had like some major epiphany while I was eating my oatmeal this morning. I mean, first Pike, then Uhura for talking some sense into me when I wanted to go out shooting on Qo'NoS, then Scotty big time, like holy shit the entire ship (I got to do something for him, I really do) then Chekov for grabbing my hand at the last minute before I fell with Scotty, then Spock for making dying less horrifying, and for running Kahn down, Uhura again for breaking him out of his trance (those fucking news clips jesus christ)and then Bones for literally dragging my ass out of hell. Bones is always dragging me out of hell with a grumpy metaphor and a hypo. But yeah. I'm feeling sentimental and my oatmeal doesn't seem so appealing anymore. I think I'm going to throw up. Spock's supposed to come by today. Yeah I'm gonna throw up. _

…

_Wednesday_

_3 month mark. Bones is watching me write this. BONES SMELLS REALLY BAD. Gee I love you too Bones. Now stop being so nosy. But yeah, there's talk of me getting the fuck out of this joint. I can't wait. I can't WAIT. 3 months is way too long to be cooped up in this bleached hell. I'd be living with Bones but still! Joanna stopped by today. God she's so adorable. I really wish I had kids sometimes, but I'd always make them worry I think, or just not raise them right. I don't have anybody to have kids with anyways. I wonder if Spock and Uhura are gonna have kids one day. Like I said, scary, but adorable. They'd totally have Spock's stupid pointy ears and Uhura's lovely dark skin, and Spock's dorky eyebrows and maybe his bow lips, but definitely Uhura's eyes. I can just imagine Spock humming Vulcan lullaby's to them, holding them, kissing their heads, holding their little hands in stores and public places, laying with them on the couch while watching some educational program because it'd have to be educational. No emotions my ass. That man would be the most protective father ever. This journal is so stupid. If I had something to do it wouldn't be this. Joanna said my hand writing is pretty though. I'm not quite sure if I should be proud of that or not. I'm gonna go with proud though. She said she told her whole class how her Uncle Jim saved the Enterprise and how he was a hero. Kids are really innocent like that. She also brought me cookies. She's my hero. Kid keeps me young. _

…

_Saturday_

_Still in the hospital. A new nurse gave me the wrong hypo and it made my throat close up. I'm tired. I feel bad for the new nurse. _

…

_Sunday _

_I guess Spock and Uhura aren't having kids. Sulu told me they broke up. I guess that's why I haven't seen them in a while. Chekov said that they weren't mad at each other. You know, I never thought they were going to break up. I was genuinely ready for them to settle down and start a family. I don't know why I was so set on them being together for the rest of their lives, but I was. It's kind of weird how quickly things can change you know? One moment I'm doing every damn thing Frank barked out like a slave, and the next I'm driving my father's car over a cliff. Talk about personality change. You know, Frank was a real bastard. Why good old mom ever thought marrying him was a good idea was beyond me. Like really beyond. Past the final fucking frontier. That man fucked everything up. Couldn't tell his right from left either. I want to leave this hospital. I want to go out into the world and eat a hamburger and fries. I want to get laid. I want to beat Spock at chess. I want to sleep in a bed that isn't surrounded by beeping and humming machines that don't belong to the Enterprise. I want to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without getting out of breath. I don't mind all of the visits, but I don't want people tiptoeing around me anymore. I'm not that fragile. This is exhausting. I hate feelings.  
-Jim_

…

_Monday_

_Apparently the machine that showed my vitals last night broke. Bones, followed by Spock and Scotty all came running in panicking that I was dying. I guess it didn't help that I was really out cold and I didn't wake up at first when Scotty shook me and Bones barked out my name while scanning me. I did, however wake up when Spock pressed his fingers to my neck (for a pulse I'm guessing). I knew Vulcan's were touch telepaths and jesus Spock was terrified. He got that crooked crease in between in eyebrows and his lips were pressed together. I tried to apologize but Bones told me to shut up. I told him to shut up too before I realized that kind of sounded childish. Goddamn my foot is fucking itchy. Uhura stopped by earlier while I was eating breakfast. I asked her if elephants could hear really well. I mean probably right? With their big ears and all. She asked if I was on medication and I flicked a grape at her. If I had an elephant I think I'd name it something cool. Uhura seemed sort of upset again. She said she was alright, and I asked if it had to do with Spock. I mean that's logical right? They broke up, she's bound to be upset over it. I'd be, upset I mean, if I was breaking up with Spock. He's probably really warm to sleep next to, and all of that relationship stuff. I've never been in a relationship so what do I know? It's probably not all cupcakes and rainbows though. Way more difficult than a tumble in the sheets and a goodbye. Maybe that's another problem I have, but I'll deal with that later._

…

_Wednesday_

_I AM OUT. I REPEAT I AM OUT. That's right I'm out of the hospital and into Bones' place. I took over his guest room. You know it's not so bad yet. He's probably going to be a bitch about all of those medications and shit I have to take but I guess that's why I'm here in the first place. I hope my brain is kind enough to not grace me with any dreams for the next month because Bones already has enough gray hairs because of me. Even if I like putting them their sometimes. Anyways, my life has been pretty much the same. Sleep, old movies, books, long calls with Chekov, Scotty, and Spock, and eating. I feel like going for a run. Or doing pushups or something. Bones would totally murder me. With something horrible, like a butter knife or a spoon. He'd make it painful too. _

…

_Thursday_

_Fuck you, Brain._

…

_Friday _

_Spock sent me soup. I think I'm in love. I'm tired though, bye._

…

_Saturday_

_I find it strange that I have a panic attack when thinking about commitment. You know what? My feelings for Spock are the damn elephant in the room. Uhura feels bad. I know she does. She feels bad for pointing it out, and even worse that it sent me into an episode. She's staring at me from the kitchen. Bones is on an emergency call and she stopped by. I'm writing in front of her. She probably knows I'm writing about her. I totally look like a maniac, all hunched over and scribbling away. You know what? When the fuck did my brain just up and decide that I love Spock? When did that even fucking happen? When did love come into the picture? The only person who I love okay no wait that sentence is a total lie. I love a lot of people, but not like ' I want to be in a relationship with you' love. WHAT IS THIS? She's still staring at me. I feel like a little kid. This is my life. Why is this my life? I always have to make things difficult for myself. I can't even read half of this, my hands are shaking. Jesus it's at times like this I wish cigarettes were still a thing, or I was allowed to drink alcohol. _

…

_Monday_

_This shall remain a secret. I no longer have a passion for elephants (okay that's a lie). _

_-Jim _

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_Authors Notes: I really wanted to write in first person okay? It was actually kind of fun. I have a journal and I do this too. I kind of got that 'ehh' vibe on the last chapter. I don't think people liked it all too much, which is a bit sad, but whatever I guess. This is kind of just supposed to take place during the time Jim's in the hospital. I might expand on it, but I don't know yet. Sorry the update took so long. I've been horribly stressed. _

_Thanks for putting up with my spelling mistakes and my grammar. _

_~rousey _


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