Final Fantasy VIII 1. Default Chapter

**_When things get crazy_**

_By Almasy11_

_Chapter one:_

_The beginning of it all_

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Squall smiled, and flicked away his cigarette into the heavy sheet of snow covering most of the training center. It was a beautiful day, the first snow of the year, everyone had the day off, most were inside sleeping.

Squall turned around, walking back into the garden, which wasn't exactly a place he wanted to be at the moment. As he walked in, he tripped and fell, landing face first on the hard marble floor.

"(bleep)!!" He screamed a loud curse as he pulled himself back onto his feet.

He had alot of problems right now. For one, he was still planning his his marriage proposal to Rinoa, and on top of that, Cid was being a total jerk as of late.

He was surprised that most everyone had gotten up since he had been outside. Squall saw Zell walking out of the library as he turned the corner. He immediately knew why he had been there, as though Zell never read books, he had the hots for the library girl. Squall caught up to the blonde, and playfully punched him in the back.

"I DIDN'T DO IT!!!" Zell screamed as he fell to the floor and looked at Squall with bloodshot eyes.

"Get up Zell." Squall let out a small laugh. "I need to ask you something... Where's Quistis? I haven't seen her today... or yesterday."

"I heard she had another mood swing, and went on a rampage. The cops had to shoot her in the backside with a tranquiliser, and put her in solitary confinement." Zell twitched as he spoke.

"Wow... That is seriously messed up." Squall said with sincerity. "Look, I've gotta go. I have a few things that Cid needs me to do, I'll catch up with you later." Squall informed as he headed toward the elevator to the third floor.

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Squall arrived at the third floor, proceeding into the newly remodeled Headmaster's office. After the whole Ultimecia incedent the Garden had been landed back where it was before, as there was no need for a mobile base anymore.

Squall walked into Cid's office, taking a seat.

"Squall, I'm glad to see you've come." Cid greeted with no emotion whatsoever. "I have a few errands for you to run."

"Of course." Squall replied, slightly agitated, being reminded of the time he had to run errands for the resistance faction. He quickly shook off the attitude, telling himself that he had to follow orders.

"Squall?" Cid's voice snapped Squall out of his thoughts.

"Huh?" Squall looked up at Cid.

"I was just explaining what the errands were when I realised you werent listening."

"Uh, sorry, I've just got alot on my mind."

"Well, I'm sorry Squall, but your personal affairs are not my concern, now stop your useless daydreaming and pay attention to your assignment!"

"Sorry Headmaster." Squall replied.

"The Garden is waiting for an incoming shipment of ammo, and equipment. The shipment is being dropped off at Balmab harbor by ship first, then taken by truck to the garden. However, before the second leg of the trip, a representative of garden must be at the harbor to sign the agreement. I've chosen you."

"Uh, why me?"

"Because I said so, and garden faculty will have the head of anyone who questions my orders!" Cid almost shouted. "You qeustioning me!?"

"No I-"

"That's right boy, I'll mess you up son! I'm Kernel Sanders with an attitude, I'll breast slap you!"

"Yes headmaster."

Squall got up and left, heading towards the parking lot. On the way he came across Irvine, who was walking across the main room of the garden, while shooting everything he saw with his new revolver. Which everyone knew was prohibited.

"Hey Squall!" Irvine yelled to the shorter seed.

"Uh Irvine, look behind you." Squall replied.

Irvine whipped his head around, his ponytail smacking Squall in the face. "Gotta go!" He shouted.

The garden faculty ran up to Squall, too tired and panting to get a word out. He rolled his eyes and proceeded to his destination

Squall walked into the parking lot, unlocking the garden car and stepping in with a groan.

"Another day of being nothing but a go-to guy." Squall complained and started the car.

With a rev, the wheel started moving, and soon Squall was on his way to the harbor.

He relaxed, leaning back into his seat as the beautiful scenery of the smallest continent in the world passed by almost too quickly to see in great detail.

Everyone Squall knew said he drove too fast, but hey, as long as you don't get too fast to control your vehicle right?****

Squall once again got lost in his thoughts, as he was widely known to do.

Before not too long, he pulled into Balamb, heading for the harbor. Passing by a few residences, he saw some children playing ball. He had truly forgotten how beautiful the town was.

He drove into the harbor, parking the car and quickly stepping out, seeing that the ship had already arrived.

Squall proceeded to the dock, noticing a very short, fat man holding a clipboard and standing next to the workers.

"I was supposed to sign something?" Squall said in his professional voice.

"Uh yeah, here it is." The man said in a strange accent. "Hey.. Uh, you wanna buy some monkeys?

"What the hell are you talking about?" Squall narrowed his eyes.

"You wanna... You know... Smoke some monkeys?" The man made a few strange gestures. "You can get seriously (bleep)ed up with monkeys man!" The worker continued.

Squall rudely grabbed the clipboard from the man, much like the time he grabbed the Garden's contract with the forest owls from Rinoa. Quickly writing his signature, he gave back the clipboard and turned around to walk away. Without another word, Squall walked back toward the car and out of the man's line of sight.

Suddenly, he tripped over a rock and hit his head on the hard cement, his vision got hazy, and before he knew what was going on, he was unconcious.

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Rinoa strolled down the lively halls of Balamb garden. She was glad she had the day off, as she planned on spending most of the day with Squall. As Rinoa turned the corner she saw the short brunette in the yellow dress she had become so accustomed to.

"Hey Rin!" Selphie squaled.

"Hey Selph!" The two friends hugged, and walked together down the hall.

"Me and Irvy are going out tonight!" The tiny seed almost yelled.

"I wanna go too!!." Rinoa wailed while jumping up and down.

"Calm down Rin! Of course you can come!"

"That's right! I better be able to come! No one has ever denied me anything!"

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Squall awoke in a daze, not sure where he was. As his eyes came into focus, he recognized his surroundings as Zell's house. He slowly sat up, just as Ma Dincht walked in.

"My goodness Squall, you're awake." She started. "You had a nasty fall in town."

"How did I get here?" He rubbed his bruised forehead.

"I found you passed out next to the garden car in town, so I carried you back here."

"Thanks." Squall stood up.

"Ah, you might not want to stand so quickly, you've been out for around six hours." The caring woman warned him.

'Six hours!!' He screamed to himself.

"Never mind that," He dismissed her worries. "So you said I fell?"

"I'm guessing." She replied.

"I tripped and hit my head... I never do that." Squall berated himself.

"That's bad..." She lowered her gaze. "Do you want me to drive you home, just in case?"

"No, that's alright." He turned around and headed for the door. "I need to get back to Garden, Cid's probably fuming mad already. Thanks again" He closed the door behind him and headed for the Garden car.

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A/N: Well, there it is! Chapter one is finished, somebody please give me some feedback! I've never had a highly reveiwed fic...

Now for a promotional message from all the kind people at wheel of fortune: Prevent a litter, have your pets spayed or neutered!


	2. Chapter 2

**_When things get crazy_**

_By Almasy11_

_Chapter two:_

_Squall Overworked._

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Squall pulled into the parking lot, stepping out of the garden car and heading for the exit. He knew he should go to the infirmary, but Cid was most likely getting madder by the minute. Walking out of the parking lot, Squall was surprised by a very anxious looking Irvine running toward him.

"Where ya' been, Squally boy?" Irvine said in his southern Galbadian accent.

"Well... Uh, I fell. Yeah, that's it, I fell. See the bandage on my head?" Squall mentally slapped himself for not coming up with a good excuse.

"Hey, maybe if I shot you it would feel better!" Irvine yelled while pulling out his pistol and waving it around in the air.

"... ... ... Or not." Squall replied.

"Well regardless, Cid's pretty ticked that you've been gone all day. I think I'd go try to come up with a good lie if I were you." Irvine said informatively. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go shoot Sefie." Irvine tipped his hat, twirled his pistol, and then turned and jogged away.

"Galbadian hick..." Squall rolled his eyes and started toward the elevator. Calmly walking up the stairs, he stepped in and pressed the third floor button. With a ding, the elevator arrived at the third floor.

Squall walked into his boss's office, being met with instant yells and angry curses.

"Squall!!" Cid screamed "Where the hell have you been!? I swear to God I'm going to kill you if you were just trying to dodge work, you lazy son of a (bleep)!" Cid had obviously lost his mind or something.

"I'm sorry headmaster, I fell and hit my head, and I passed out." Squall showed no signs of intimidation.

"That's a (bleep) lie!" Cid argued feverishly. "Just for that, you have to work overtime tonight, plus you have to do what's left of my paperwork too! That'll show you to slack off!"

"Cid please, I was-" Squall didn't have time to finish his sentence before Cid interjected again.

"Shut up and start working! And don't call me Cid! Call me 'His most serene highness' you idiot!!" Cid screamed, and then walked out.

Once Cid was gone, Squall growled and screamed back "Arrggh... BITE ME MOTHER (bleep)ER!!!!" Squall plopped down in the chair, grabbed a pen, and started working, grumbling as he went.

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"BITE ME MOTHER (bleep)ER!!!!" The students heard through the loud speaker. Apparently, Squall had bumped the button that turned on the intercom. Luckily, Cid was on the elevator at the time, so he didn't hear it.

In the library, Rinoa burst out laughing. Sure, it was bad that Cid was such a jerk, but Squall had a strange way of reacting.

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Zell was in the cafeteria, drinking coffee as usual.

"Gotta.. drink... Coffee!!" He yelled the last word as he shook uncontrollably, almost spilling his coffee.

Suddenly, Zell's coffee cup seemed to explode, causing Zell to jump out of his chair.

"AAAAGGHHH!!!" Zell stopped screaming when he saw that it was just Irvine, who had shot his cup.

"Heh, sorry bout that Zelly-boy. I just got a sudden urge to shoot things." Irvine smirked, as he sat down at the table with Zell.

A waitress came, pouring Zell another cup of coffee.

"Pour the coffee! Hurry! Do it! Get away! Get away from my coffeeeeee!!" Zell grabbed the cup and took a large gulp.

"Friend, did you get any sleep at all last night?

"N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no. I was too busy thinking a-about c-coffee!!" Zell twitched.

"Hey! Maybe if I shot ya'! That would help, right?"

"N-n-n-n-no. Don't shoot me until I drink a million cups of coffee!" Zell cowered in fright.

"Zelly, if you drink a million cups o' coffee, you won't need me to shoot ya' bro." Irvine pulled out his pistol and shot a window. This caused an overly nervous Zell to jump under the table and cover his head.

"AAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!" Zell screamed, and sat back up and kept dirnking like nothing had happened.

"H-h-h-h-hey, d-do you think it's hot in here? I mean, I don't um, I mean- yah yah, I don't- I don't wear Jeans. I uh hah and the- when the-" Zell was really wired. Irvine narrowed his eyes, and replied with a frown.

"ANd i uH- abi-abi-abi-abi-abi-abi-abi-abi-abi-abi-abi-abi-abi-abi-abi-abi-abi-ab-iaai-a-bia-bai-b- I SIT BY A BOAT!" Zell said excitedly.

"Ah yeah yeah I know! I- and the- he's the- And then- But I- hahahahahaha!" Zell continued his annoying gibberish.

"Dude... How long has it been since you ingested anything other than coffee?

"Ah-ah-ah-aha-ha-aha-ahaa-haaha-aha-haah-a- about a week." Zell's eyes widened, then narrowed, then widened, then narrowed again, as if he was high one second, and depressed the next.

"Zell, you really should eat something." Irvine put his hand on Zell's shoulder.

"coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee

coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee." Was zell's only response.

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It was around eight, and Squall had finnaly finished all the paper work Cid gave him. After a few silent curses, Squall stood up, and headed for the elevator. Just as he was walking into the elevator, he tripped, rolled inside, and smashed his head against the B1 button, which aggravated his earlier injury, causing him to temporarily go blind.

"Aw (bleep)it!!" The elevator came to a stop, at what Squall thought was level one. So he slowly stepped out, holding his hands in front of him to feel his way to the infirmary. Since he thought he was on level 1, he didn't realise there was a flight of stairs right in front of him. Tripping, he fell forward, then rolled down the flight of stairs, landing on his side. This ironically resembled that time in the G-district prison when Rinoa kicked Irvine down the stairs.

"Oh God!! I think I broke a rib!" He shouted. "My eyes burn! ... I can't breathe!" He slowly got up, realising he obviously wasn't on level one. Slowly making his way back into the elevator, his vision slowly came back.

"Uughh... Glad that's over." He grabbed his side painfully and pushed the level 1 button, arriving at his destination. He eventually made his way to the infirmary.

Walking through the small door, he realised Dr.Kadowaki wasn't alone, Selphie was there too.

"Squally!" She squealed. "The Squallinator! The Squallmeister! Squally-dually-ding-dong!" She started making up stupid nicknames. "Squally mo mually bananafana fo fually! The big S! The Lion-guy!" Squall and Kadowaki were both annoyed at this point, but Selphie obviously didn't catch the hint.

"Squally-poo!" She continued "Commander Squally!"

"Selphie, that's enough." Squall walked over to the examination table and motioned for Kadowaki to come over. She asked him what happened, he told her, and she started examining and treating his wounds. Selphie was silent, and al seemed well.

After a few minutes, Selphie suddenly broke the silence again.

"HOT PANTS!" She squealed.

"SHUT UP!" Squall and Kadowaki said simultaneously. Selphie sat down and did as she was told.

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Quistis was slumped in the corner of her jail cell, trying to figure a way out of her predicament. It was no one's fault but her own, she knew that good and well now. She turned head when she heard a sound, that's when she saw it, the gaurd was asleep. She slowly and quietly stood up, spotting the saw hanging on the wall next to the gaurd.

Quistis slowly opened the cell door, grabbing the saw quickly and stepping back inside, closing the door behind her. She lifted the saw to the one of the bars on the cell door and went to work

Within ten minutes, she had cut her through the rusted door, stepping through, walking past the guard and out of the jail. Never once did she realise the ignorance of what she had just done.

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A/N: Well, that's the end of the second chapter. How was it? Don't forget to reveiw people.

Oh and don't forget to prevent a litter, have your pets spayed or neutered!


	3. Chapter 3

**_When things get crazy_**

_By Almasy11_

_Chapter three:_

_NOOOOOOOOO!!_

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It was the next morning, Quistis was back in Garden, Irvine was up and shooting things, Squall had already knocked down over half the equipment in the infirmary, Selphie had been yelled at exstensively, Rinoa was crying, and Zell still hadn't slept.

Squall walked into his office, plopping down in his chair and swiveling around to face the window. That's when Cid barged in, accompanied by Xu.

"Leonhart!!!" Cid yelled

"WHAT!!!!!??" Squall screamed back.

"Why aren't you working yet!!!??" The old man continued the pointless argument.

"I AM WORKING!!!!" The commander replied.

"WHY AREN'T YOU WORKING HARDER!!!??" Was Cid's reply.

"YOU SUCK!!!" Squall yelled while grabbing Cid by the collar and back with his right fist, accidentally elbowing Xu in the face, sending her stumbling backwards through the third level window and into the spinny thing.

Cid and Squall immediately dropped what they were doing, and stood with their mouthes agape at what just happened.

"OH (bleep)!" They both yelled at the same time.

"Okay, Squall, I'm going to turn around, walk away, and we're going to pretend this never happened."

"Good idea." Squall replied as Cid walked out.

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Rinoa was in the cafeteria, getting breakfast. She hadn't eaten yet, so she was moderately hungry.

"Yes! I want that, and that, and that, ooh! And one of those!" She yelled at the cafeteria lady.

"Okay, that will be 25.95." The woman replied.

"What!?" Rinoa yelled. "Are you serious!? 25.95!? That's outrageous!"

"No..." The woman corrected. "Actually it's very reasonable. CONSIDERING YOU ORDERED HALF THE CAFETERIA!!!!!!"

Rinoa stepped back in shock, no one had ever talked to her that way. Her father gave her everything she wanted, and so did Squall. She never got told NO, and she for sure never got yelled at. Her bottom lip began to tremble, and her eyes got watery.

"You... Yelled... At... Me?" She managed to get out in between sharp inhales. "WAAAAAHHH!!!" Rinoa balled. "No one's ever yelled at me!!" She fell onto the floor and started hitting herself in the face. "I hate myself!" She continued wailing.

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Zell walked silently through the training center, his eyes so wide that they looked like saucers. He had his arms wrapped tightly around him like he was cold. He wouln't be cold if he was drinking coffee, but he was out of money.

"Coffee... Coffee... Coffee..." He slowly mumbled. The caffeine rush was actually wearing off. Suddenly, someone grabbed him from behind, putting a rag with chemicals over his mouth and causing him to pass out.

Zell woke up somewhere dark, oh no wait, he was blindfolded, and gagged, and his wrists were tied together. Someone suddenly pulled him to a standing position, and pulled off the blindfold and gag.

He recognised the place as the B1 level of Garden. It was Quistis, and behind her was Irvine.

"What the frickin' hell am I doin' here!?" He yelled between twitches.

"Zell, just in case your eyes are too bloodshot to recognize me, this is Quistis, and the idiot trigger happy texan standing next to me is Irvine. Re-mem-ber us?" Quistis treated Zell like a retard.

"Quistis, I may be slightly dumb, and I may be high on caffeine, and I may be a pothead, but I am NOT RETARDED!!!" He nearly screamed.

"Good," Quistis started. "We need to talk to you. I'm worried about you Zell, you need to stop drinking coffee."

"NEVER!!" Zell yelled loudly.

"Well," She said, turning to Irvine. "He's not cooperating, looks like we'll have to neuter him." Quistis pulled out a small handle looking thing, and walked up to Zell, who's eyes were even wider than before. She pressed a small button on the handle, and a long slender blade came out.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Zell screamed so loud that the town of Balamb could probly hear him, as he struggled to get free. Suddenly, he snapped the cloth his wrists were bound with, apparently through caffeine-enhanced strength, and made a break for the door.

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A/N: I know this chapter was kinda short, but oh well... I won't be updating again until I get ten reveiws.


	4. Chapter 4

** When things get crazy**

_By Almasy11_

_Chapter Four:_

_NOOOOO!! Part two_

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Zell frantically sprinted into the elevator, jamming every single button he could see. The doors slammed shut just as Irvine and Quistis were about to catch up to him. The elevator stopped on the first level, and Zell jumped out, making a mad dash toward the cafeteria.

"Gotta… Get some… Coffee!" He yelled between deep inhales.

He finally arrived in the cafeteria, spotting a pot of coffee behind the counter. he dashed even faster with Irvine and Quistis close behind.

As he neared the counter, Zell jumped seemingly farther than humanly possible, going straight over the counter, grabbing the piping hot pot of coffee in midair, and chugging over half of the near boiling black liquid before he hit the ground.

Irvine and Quistis came to a screeching halt, as they watched with amusement the child stuck in a twenty year-old body they knew as Zell.

The short blonde landed on his back, sliding a few yards before finally coming to a stop.

"WOW!! THAT"S SOME DANG GOOD COFFEE!" Zell yelled, ignoring the grevious burns he was receiving from the pot, and the coffee all over him.

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Squall was in the infirmary, unconscious on the bed. He had fallen on a scalpel during Kadowaki's exam of his head injury, and he now had another scar perpendicular to the first, making an X on his face.

Squall turned over in his sleep, rolling off of the bed and on to the marble floor.

"AW CRAP!" He yelled, knocked out his sleep.

He decided he probably wouldn't be able to sleep, so he headed into the main room to talk with the Doctor. On the way, he tripped, stumbling and falling on Kadowaki.

"Squall!" The older woman exclaimed. "I didn't know you liked me that way!"

Squall frantically tried to get up, but Kadowaki quickly grabbed him by the cheeks and kissed him, tongue and all.

At that exact moment Rinoa walked in. The raven haired woman gasped, and then smiled.

"This is cool! Now we can have a threesome!" Rinoa squealed.

Squall finally managed to break away, letting out a loud horrified yell as Rinoa jumped on top of them and the two women started stripping Squall.

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Zell stood up, dusting himself off and setting the empty pot back on the counter. High from the caffeine, he started waving his arms in the air, spinning around, and shouting gibberish.

"Ababilababilabadliafala!" Suddenly, as his back was turned to Irvine and Quistis, Zell heard a loud bang, and then it felt like something bit him on the butt. He collapsed to the ground, clutching his butt cheek and yelling something about attacking ninja monkeys and exploding robotic break dancing penguins.

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After a few minutes, Squall was fighting to get away from the two insane women sexually harassing him. Rinoa obviously wasn't the problem, it was Kadowaki, who was now stripped down to her bra and panties.

"Come here Squally! I want to loooove you!" Kadowaki yelled as she pursued Squall, who was now in nothing but his black jeans. Squall jumped up on the bed, which was now pushed against the wall, attempting to kick away Kadowaki.

Rinoa jumped up and grabbed Squall, wrapping both her arms, and legs around him. Squall was sent toppling to the floor, as Kadowaki jumped on him as well.

Just then, Quistis barged in, carrying a wounded Zell. The tall woman stopped dead in her tracks, as she realized what was going on.

Kadowaki and Rinoa stopped as well, the two relentless women looked up at Quistis, who had just dropped Zell rather abruptly.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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A/N: This chapter was short, I know. And It was pushing the PG-13 rating a little bit, but hey, it's all good. C'mon people, and REVIEW!


	5. chapter 5

_**When Things Get Crazy**_

Chapter five: no title.

Quistis' jaw dropped wide open, as Rinoa gleefully got up, smiled, and walked out of the infirmary.

It was dead silent. So silent, you could hear an amoeba pass gas. Suddenly, a certain cowboy trying desperately to hold in his laughter broke the silence.

"So Squall… What's it like to be sexually harassed?"

Quistis covered her widening smile with her hand. "I mean, that was what it was right?"

"Because if it wasn't…" Irvine looked down, trying to hide his smile.

"IT WASN"T ME!" Squall yelled in anger, pulled on his shirt and walked out.

"Hello… Did everyone forget about me?" Zell looked up at the two people standing over him.

Kadowaki stood up, unclipping her bra and flashing everyone in the room. Rapidly shaking her chest, she started yelling. "Uh huh! You want some of this?" She looked over to Irvine, who turned around and puked. Even Quistis was repulsed, as she quickly turned and ran, followed closely by Irvine. That left Zell, immobilized on the floor. The blonde looked over at the half naked sixty year-old slowly walking toward him.

"OH MY GOD!" Zell screamed as he frantically clawed his way toward the door.

"Hmm… You're not Squall, but you still not a nice butt!" Kadowaki exclaimed as she grabbed him by the leg, just before he was about to grab the bottom of the door. The door slammed shut, as Zell screamed bloody murder.

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Squall stomped into his dorm, muttering something about a stupid horny old woman. Replacing what clothing he was still missing, he decided he should head back to his office.

A few minutes later, Squall briskly walked into his office, not realizing Cid was in nothing but an extremely small pair of underwear, standing up on his desk, drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels, and singing the lyrics to "Achy breaky heart".

"Cid… Are you okay?" Squall said with no actual concern.

"What… Do you mean? Why wouldn't I be okay?" Cid nearly fell off of the desk. "Mabe it's you who aint okay!" Cid growled, then tripped and fell over on the desk, hitting his head on the corner of the hard structure as he went. He slumped over, falling off the desk, doing a somersault and coming to rest with his legs wide open, as his underwear split in the front.

"Oh God! How much nudity do I have to witness in one day?" Squall shielded his eyes.

"Heeey Squally! Don't be shy!" Cid yelled, putting his legs back together.

"Thank you." Squall said sincerely, putting his hands down from his eyes. "So what are you doing here anyway? Shouldn't you be in your own office?"

"I… ... Don't think that that… …" Cid's expression went blank, as he started drooling, probably because he hit his head.

"I think you need to head to the infirmary." Squall said, before remembering the atrocity he had just suffered. "… On second thought, no."

"Ya mama needs to go the infirmary!" Cid snapped back into reality.

"Don't talk about my mother!" Squall gritted his teeth in anger.

"Why? Does ya mama… ... sh(bleep), I can't think up a good insult…" Cid scratched the back of his head. "Hey, can you come back later?" Cid was suddenly sober.

Squall shook his head, and left.

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Zell woke up with a start, and once again he was tied to a pole, only this time, he was in the dark room of the infirmary.

"Somebody help me!" He yelled, just before Kadowaki jumped out of the shadows, putting a bumper sticker entitled "My other car is the Millennium Falcon" over his mouth.

"Be quiet Zelly…" An evil glint shown in her eyes. "I know what you need. You need Coffee.

"Mm-hm!" He nodded.

"I have coffee." She lifted a large pot of the black liquid. She pulled the bumper sticker off of his face, and poured the coffee into his mouth.

"Thank you. Only you forgot one thing…" Zell smirked.

"And what's that?"

"I'm Coffeeman!" Zell yelled, as he snapped free of the duct tape surrounding his entire body, and ripped his shirt off, revealing brown tights, with a black C in the middle of the chest, and a black cape.

"Yaaaaahhh!" Zell lunged forward, hitting Kadowaki in the chest. She flew back intothe wall, and didn't have time to recover before Zell started shooting a jet of boiling coffee at her, through the palm of his hand.

"None can stand the might of coffeeman!" Zell stood proudly over a fallen Kadowaki.

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A/N: (does the Axl Rose dance) Oh... Sorry, I was listening to Guns 'n roses, and I didn't know anyone was watching me... ... Stop staring at me... ... I DON'T NEED TO JUSTIFY MYSELF TO YOU PEOPLE! (storms out)

Oh and by the way, reveiw!


	6. chapter 6

When Things get Crazy 

A/N: Well, I've decided to pick this story back up… My sense of humor may be badly damaged though, because I'm very depressed right now, ever since my girlfriend and I broke up…

Chapter six: Act II

Kadowaki slowly stood up, burned from the coffee. "Fought well, you have!" She yelled. "My old… Padawan."

"Why are you talking like Yoda?" Zell asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Because my mum liked to shoot squirrels." Kadowaki replied.

"…" Was Zell's only response.

"Come on raggedy man! You want some?" Kadowaki yelled, pumping her fist in the air.

"Bring it on!" Zell screamed.

Kadowaki dropped her bra again, flashing Zell. The short blonde couldn't take it, and passed out.

Kadowaki approached the fallen seed, intending to do things to him. Before she could, out of thin air appeared a short skinny guy with black hair, green eyes, back eyeliner, and a guitar in his hands.

"Who the hell are you?" Kadowaki asked.

"I'm Billie Joe Armstrong mother (bleep)er!" He yelled, before bashing the nurse upside the head with his guitar. "Come the f(bleep) here and get some (bleep)ing pain you f(bleep)ing b(bleep)!" Billie yelled, hitting the fallen Kadowaki over the head several times, and eventually breaking his guitar. Seeing that his favorite instrument was broken, Billie collapsed to his knees, and held the remaining pieces of his first guitar. "Blue! Nooooooooo!" He collapsed, in a fit of tears. Just then, Mike Dirnt and Tre Cool stepped out of the shadows, and drug him out of sight, as Mike mumbled something about dogs taking over the world.

"Holiday my (bleep)…" Tre mumbled disgruntled as the group left. "Always have to take a (bleep)ing detour because of Billie and his violent tendencies…"

………….. …………..…………..…………..

Irvine stepped into Selphie's dorm, and made her aware of his presence by sending a bullet through the ceiling. Selphie didn't realize it was him, and jumped out of the bathroom swinging her nunchaku. Irvine was struck in the face, chest, and groin several times, crumbling to the ground, screaming in agony.

"Oh sh(bleep)!" Selphie yelled. "Irvine, shut up!" She tried to quiet him, since he didn't want the faculty to realize what had happened.

After a few more minutes of Selphie yelling at Irvine, he finally stopped screaming. Still clutching his pained areas, he barely managed to speak. "Sefie… Looks like we're never going to have kids…"

"You think I wanted to have kids with you anyway?" She cocked an eyebrow.

Irvine's bottom lip began to tremble, and he busted out crying again.

"Oh come on Irvy! Stop crying! Please? Irvy-Kinny-poo, please stop! I-man, stop it! Wyatt Earp, come on, be quiet! Shotgun, stop crying… Please?" She started making up random nicknames for him.

"Only if you call me Mr. Big." He replied.

Selphie let out a frustrated sigh. "But if I do that, you're going to turn it into a sexual innuendo." After a few more moments, she rolled her eyes and spoke the words. "Please? Mr. big…" She said, mock lustily.

"Okay!" he jumped up. "Wanna have se-"

"NO!" Selphie interjected. "Now get the (bleep) out of my dorm you perv!"

………….. …………..…………..…………..

Squall opened the door to his dorm, stumbling out, dressed like a hippie. Smoke poured out his doorway, as Squall wandered down the hall. As he passed a random student, he made a peace sign, dancing goofily. "Peace brother! Come on man, let's go use some creativity enhancers!"

"By creativity enhancers, I assume you mean drugs right?" The student bluntly asked.

"Maybe… Maybe not…" Squall replied, in an unusual tone. He was obviously high. "I don't like to use the word drugs. I prefer the word "funkitizers."." Squall muttered. "Yeah…" He slowly looked around him. "Whooaa… I just realized something. My hands are… Huuuuge… They can touch anything… but themselves." Squall said, just before putting his hands together. "Oh wait." He gasped. He stood for a minute, and the student walked off.

After a few minutes, another student came by, and Squall grabbed him by the shoulders. The student turned around with a weird look on his face, probably because of Squall's attire.

"Yo man." Squall said casually. "You know what's cool?"

"Um… What?" The student asked, obviously confused.

"Star gazing." Squall elaborated. "You know what's cooler?" After a few seconds, Squall continued. "Star gazing… ON WEED!" He yelled suddenly, scaring the student away.


End file.

Final Fantasy VIII, Humor