Naruto The Shark and the Deer

This fic is going to be filled with the wonders of crack that have somehow formed in my mind. This will be KisaShikaIno but will eventually just be KisaShika so if you aren't into yaoi then this isn't for you. It'll also be an AU. Just so things make a bit more sense, it should be known that this is based on the behavior of certain roleplay accounts on Twitter that at are run by myself and others. Its going to be hella random. I mean REALLY random so expect the unexpected.

* * *

"Today's the day. I'm finally going to do this," Kisame said as he pulled on a fresh pair of silky boxers.

He had just stepped out of the shower and was preparing to meet up with Shikamaru and Ino as usual. The trio has a routine, you see. Every Tuesday and Thursday they meet up at a luxury hotel deep in the city and spend hours together doing numerous things. Most of them sexual. This had been going on for 2 years but today Kisame was extra excited. He had a little something different planned for tonight's meeting.

After getting fully dressed, he grabbed his keys and left his house. He could do nothing but smile the whole way to the hotel.  
As he stepped out of his car and headed for the large glass door of the Ridgeland Crest hotel. He spotted his two companions waiting for him just outside the doors and his smile widened as he approached them, giving a little wave.

"Hey, man. How's it going?" Shikamaru said, a smile on his face as well.  
"I'm rather excited. I have a surprise," Kisame winked at the pair as he opened the door for them.  
"Ooh, I love surprises! Can we have a hint?" Ino asked excited as she walked in the building.  
"That kinda ruins the concept of it being a surprise, Ino," muttered Shikamaru under his breath as he followed her.  
"But I want to know now," she pouted.  
"Stop it, you two. This will result in an argument and I'll end up having to punish you like last time," Kisame admonished, walking up to wrap an arm around each of their shoulders as they made their way over to the familiar reception desk with the little dish of candy on the edge.

As the three approached the desk, the receptionist looked up and gave a sly grin that showed just how well he knew them.  
"Same room as usual, I presume?" he inquired in a slightly mischievous tone.  
"Yeah, same as usual. Now stop grinning like that before I strangle you with the telephone cord," Shikamaru snapped.

He hated it when people acted that way. He hated knowing that this guy knew what they had come to do. It was only because a maintainence worker had walked in on the three of them in the middle of one of their sessions and went back and blabbed to the whole staff.

It was embarrassing.

Kisame, Ino, and the receptionist each had to struggle to keep a straight face as the keys to the room were handed over. It was hilarious when Shikamaru got upset over these things.

After taking the elevator up to the 22nd floor and entering the room they had occupied so many times, the sexual tension was already building up within the room. They had missed the past couple of meet up dates due to issues with their jobs but now they were finally together again. Horny and ready to get things going.  
Ino had begun staring at Kisame strangely while Shikamaru went to lie down on the bed.

Kisame noticed her staring and raised an eyebrow. "What?" he asked.  
The sexy blonde got up from the bed and bit her lip as she walked over and pressed her body up against Kisame's front. He was a full foot taller than her so he had to lean down for her. Pushing herself up onto her tippy-toes she whispered seductively into her large lover's ear. "That ass. You know what I want to do." She reached back and grabbed a handful of that nice firm ass, making the shark-man jump slightly. "Yes. I know what you want," he whispered back as he slowly stepped back and began to strip. This gained the lazy Nara's attention and he slowly pulled out his phone as he sat up on the bed. He was behind Ino so she didn't know what was coming. Shikamaru and Kisame shared subtle winks as Kisame suddenly ripped his clothes off and "Do What You Want" by Lady GaGa started playing from Shikamaru's phone. Ino stood there stunned as Kisame started shaking his naked butt and grinding on her while loudly singing "DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH ME! WHAT YOU WANT WITH MY BODY!" while Shikamaru laughed until tears were running down his cheeks.

Ino suddenly grabbed the dancing man by his arm and pulled him over to the bed and pushed him forward onto his stomach. He also happened to fall on top of Shikamaru who was stretched out across the bed.  
"Ino what the fuck! He's so heavy," he groaned as he tried to move but failed.  
"Just shut up. I need this," Ino muttered as she sank down to her knees and spread Kisame's smooth butt cheeks apart.  
"I-ino!" shrieked Kisame uncharacteristically.  
"Shut up, shark boy. This booty is mine." As soon as she said this, she had leaned down and started licking Kisame's pretty little booty hole.  
Kisame moaned like a little bitch and Shikamaru tried his hardest not to laugh.

Seeing this huge dude being submissive to someone so much smaller than him was about the funniest thing Shikamaru has ever witnessed. It happens every time they meet up but it never gets any less funny. This went on for just a few minutes and once Ino had reduced Kisame to a weak, moaning mess, she stood up and popped his butt lightly. He slowly rolled onto his back, releasing the man under him. Shikamaru sat up slowly and rubbed his sore abdomen. "Why do you always have to do that, Ino? I hate that." "You like having him on top of you so hush," she said with finality.

It was true. Shikamaru loved having the sexy shark on top of him. The truth is, he loved everything about Kisame.

These little encounters were just supposed to be a way to escape the stressful law firm they all worked at. That's how they met actually. Shikamaru and Ino had grown up together and ended up majoring in Criminal Justice. Kisame transferred to their firm a few years ago and they all hit it off. Eventually the three hung out all the time and it escalated to the point where things got physical. They all took each other's minds off of work and responsibilities. That's as far as it was supposed to go but lately Shikamaru found himself constantly thinking about the strange blue man. Emotions had found their way to the Nara and he wasn't sure how much he liked that.

What he didn't know was that Kisame felt exactly the same way about him. Yes, the big tough bara shark-man had fallen for the scrawny deer boy. To add even more to the mix, Ino had found herself slowly developing feelings for both of the men. She had always had a small crush on Shikamaru but now that they had gotten much closer, her crush had bloomed into love. Her feelings for Kisame weren't nearly as strong but they were there nonetheless. Unfortunately, neither of the men thought of her as anything more than a good friend and a fine piece of ass.

With Kisame still lying in the middle of the huge king-sized bed, Ino and Shikamaru gave each other a look and went to cuddle up on either side of him. Kisame slowly looked at both of them then suddenly pulled Shikamaru close and kissed him passionately. Ino watched with interest but her expression slowly turned to one of horror as Kisame began to speak in a soft voice.

"Shika, the three of us have been at this for a couple of years now, right?" he asked while gently stroking Shikamaru's cheek.  
"Yeah, that sounds about right," Shikamaru said as he looked the man in front of him in the eye, wondering where this was going.  
"Well, these past couple of weeks have been a little strange for me. You see... I love you, Shikamaru."

Ino let out a quiet gasp and slowly moved away from the two men as tears began to fill her eyes. Neither of them seemed to notice because they continued looking at each other as if they were the only two people who mattered in the world right now. Shikamaru's face was one of shock but soon a little grin formed on his lips.  
"Sounds like someone's gotten soft over the years," he jeered. "Tch. Way to be an asshole, Shikamanwhore," Kisame countered. Shika was something of a whore. He had slept with nearly everyone at the firm.

Shikamaru chuckled and lightly kissed Kisame's lips. "I love you too, Kisa. I didn't wanna believe it but there's no denying it," he said quietly. Kisame pulled him into a warm hug. "I still have that surprise I mentioned earlier. Let me get dressed and I'll take you to see it," Kisame whispered before sitting up and getting off of the bed to retrieve his clothes.

Ino had been standing a few feet away getting angrier and angrier as the two had their little moment. "Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck is this?" she said through gritted teeth, her voice shaking with surpressed emotion.

Both Kisame and Shikamaru jumped slightly as if they had completely forgotten she was there. "Ino..." Shikamaru spoke first, "I'm sorry this all seems so sudden. I've felt this way about Kisame for a while. He and I have met up without you multiple times but we never really told each other how we felt." "Yeah, what he said," Kisame muttered as he pulled his clothes back on.  
"So that's it. I don't mean anything to either of you?" she said quietly.  
"Nah," the two men said in unison.

She lost it with that. She grabbed a vase that was sitting on the dresser and hurled it at Shikamaru who was still on the bed. She immediately jumped on Kisame's back and started hitting him as he spun around wildly trying to get her off. "INO GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME! OW OW OW!" he yelled.

Having dodged the vase, Shikamaru was able to quickly jump off of the bed and grab Ino by her long ponytail. He yanked her off of Kisame and slammed her to the floor causing her to scream out in pain. He took Kisame's hand and they dashed out of the door. Ino recovered quickly and was up and out of the door chasing after them just a few seconds later.

The two runaway lovers had reached the elevator and were desperately pressing the down button as she sprinted towards them. As soon as it opened, they jumped inside and pressed the button for the doors to close and they heard Ino screaming and pounding on the door as they safely got away. Panting and clinging to each other, they both laughed and shook their heads at how quickly that situation had escalated.

As soon as they reached the first floor of the hotel, they made a break for the door. They figured Ino would take the stairs but there's no way she would get down there from 22nd floor that quickly. Even still, they ran as fast as they could to Kisame's car since Shikamaru had ridden with Ino and she had the keys. Kisame revved the engine and then put the pedal to the metal as he zoomed out of the parking lot. The song "Gas Pedal" had conveniently started playing on the radio and Shikamaru got excited then began loudly shouting the lyrics and dancing as best he could.

Kisame chuckled quietly as he got them farther and farther away from the hotel. When the song got to the part that says "hella thick I wanna smash 'em all," Kisame grinned and placed a hand on Shikmaru's thigh, caressing it in teasing manner that made the other man stop yelling the lyrics and look down at his thigh. Kisame let out a hearty laugh at how easily he could get a reaction from his sweet deer boy. Shikamaru shook his head and went back to "singing".

This was the perfect time for the surprise Kisame had in store for his boy toy. He expertly navigated his way through sharp turn and curves while going way over the speed limit. Shikamaru didn't seem to mind either. "Hey Ya!" by OutKast had just come on and he was belting out the words to that song as well. It was their song. It had been for quite some time. They had sex while listening to it a couple of times too. Kisame loved making Shika shake it like a Polaroid picture.

Soon they had arrived at their destination. It was a dock. Sitting next to it was a gigantic cruise ship. It was called "Samehada". Shikamaru's face was priceless when they pulled up. He was always talking about how he wanted to go on a cruise but could never find the time. He slowly looked over at Kisame who was trying to keep a wide smile off of his face. "K-Kisame... is this your surprise?" he stuttered quietly.  
Kisame simply nodded and was soon getting the life squeezed out of him when Shikamaru leaned over to give him the biggest bear hug he ever had.  
"Shikamaru you're choking me. Let go so we can board the ship," Kisame wheezed.  
"Right right. I'm sorry. I'm just so happy," Shikamaru said as he let go.  
"I'm glad you are. Now, come on," Kisame nudged Shika before opening the car door and stepping out. Shikamaru did the same and the two approached the large vessel as Kisame pulled two tickets out of his pocket. They successfully boarded the ship with nothing but the clothes on their backs. Thankfully they each had cash on them so they could purchase all the necessities once they were on board.

While they were enjoying each other's company, they didn't know that Ino had called their personal assistants, Kiba and Kankuro, before the chase had even begun. The two had been able to get there and follow Kisame's car.

Kiba had gotten upset when he found out about Kisame taking his beloved Shikamaru away. He had had a crush on the Shikamaru as long as Ino had but he had kept it a secret. Well that was until he started working under the Nara. After that he let the world know how he felt and was very jealous when it came to his boss. Shikamaru had told him many times that he didn't return the feelings but that didn't perturb Kiba one bit.

Kisame didn't have the same problem. Kankuro was about the best PA you could ask for. He would do practically anything Kisame told him to and he was fun to be around.  
Ino knew that Kiba was crazy as hell but she didn't know that Kankuro wasn't. Kankuro was most likely coming simply because he liked drama and needed some excitement. They had texted Ino and told her where they were and she arrived a few minutes later. There was no way the 3 of them could buy tickets for the cruise in such short notice so they would have to get on the ship some other way.

* * *

Meanwhile, Kisame and Shikamaru were walking along the ship, hand in hand, chatting about nothing in particular. They soon reached the front of the ship and Shikamaru stopped in his tracks. Kisame looked down at him, frowning slightly.  
"What is it?" he asked worriedly.  
"Kisa, can we stand at the front of the ship. You know, like how Rose and Jack did in the Titanic," he spoke quietly.  
"Of course we can. Lead the way," Kisame smiled.  
Shikamaru rushed forward and held onto the horizontal iron bars that spread across the front of the ship. The cool metal made him shiver and he peered over the edge at the water. The ship hadn't started moving yet but he still wanted to do this. He smiled when he felt Kisame place his yaoi hands on his waist.  
"This is amazing. I've always wanted to do this," Shika said so that only Kisame could hear him.  
"We'll be on this ship for a week so we can come here as many times as you'd like," Kisame murmured softly in his ear as he took each of Shikamaru's hand and then stretched their arms out.

They stood like this for a few minutes and stayed that way even when they ship slowly began to move away from the dock. The cool, salty air of the ocean blew against their face and through their hair. Kisame leaned forward slightly and nuzzled Shikamaru's soft cheek before quietly whispering "Homosexual..." sensually into his ear, making the deer boy shiver.

He slipped his hands down and began to caress Shikamaru's slender waist, making the him push back against the shark-man, begging for more touches. Smiling faintly, Kisame slipped his chilled hands beneath Shika's shirt to touch the soft, warm skin on his sensitive lower stomach.  
"Do you like being touched by me, Shika bby?" he whispered in his deer boy's ear.  
Shika nodded slowly while whimpering quietly and closing his eyes as his body was touched in the right places.  
"M-more, Kisa. Touch me more," he whined softly to the hella sexy shark-man behind him.

Kisame grinned a mischievous grin as he trailed his fingertips lower making the deer boy weak in his arms. Their moment was cut short when a high pitched scream pierced the quiet atmosphere. Startled, they both turned around to see where the sound came from and were greeted by an unexpected sight.  
Standing before them was a highly enraged Ino with a fuming Kiba and casual-looking Kankuro standing behind her.  
"Hey, senpai!" Kankuro called out with a huge smile on his face.  
"Kohai, hey. Uh, what's going on?" Kisame asked as he held Shikamaru close and kept his eyes on Ino.  
"Ino called us earlier filled us in on this whole situation and told us to follow you," Kankuro explained.  
Kisame stared at him incredulously. "And you actually listened to her? Wow," Kisame shook his head in disappointment. "I thought you were better than that, kohai."  
"Senpai, please. You know I just wanted to see some action," Kankuro said nonchalantly.  
"SHIKA BBY, HOW COULD YOU RUIN OUR LOVE THIS WAY?!" Kiba suddenly shouted.  
"Uh... Kiba. I've already told you th-," Shika started.  
"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! YOU HAD A GOOD MAN BUT YOU LEAVE ME FOR THAT!" Kiba cut him off, pointing at Kisame.  
"Kiba, what are you even talki-," Shika began but was cut off yet again.  
"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND YOU GO AND DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS! I'M HEARTBROKEN!" he went on but was slapped by Ino who had had enough of his crap.  
"Shut the hell up! God, you're fucking annoying!" she screamed in his face, making him shut up and hold his slowly reddening cheek.  
She whipped around to face the two she had come for. "And you two! I know you didn't think you could get away so easily. Why are you treating me like this?" she practically pled with them.

Kisame sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose before he began to speak. "Ino, my dear. Both of us care about you but we don't love you in the way that we love each other. I had planned on telling Shikamaru my feelings tonight and explaining the situation to you but you went crazy before it could get that far. I wasn't about to wait around and let you tear my face off so I took my sweet deer boy and we ran," Kisame said calmly.  
"Am I not good enough for you? Why couldn't either of you have chosen to be with me instead?" she asked as her eyes began to fill with tears of anger and betrayal.  
"It's not that simple," Shika said as he stepped forward. "We didn't choose to fall in love with each other. It just happened. You're still my best friend," he said as he walked up to her with his arms open wide for a hug.

As soon as he got close enough, Ino slammed her fist right into his face. He staggered backwards with a surprised yelp and held his nose as he lost balance and fell to his knees. Kisame rushed up behind him to help but was tackled by Kiba who promptly began hitting him everywhere he could. Ino lunged on Shikamaru and did the same thing while Kankuro's bitch ass filmed it on his phone. Kisame was easily able to pull Kiba off of him and threw him over the edge of the ship without even glancing back.

"Ino get off of me! You already broke my nose, you dumb bitch!" Shikamaru wailed in pain as he lay disoriented on the ground, unable to fight back.  
Kisame quickly ran over and grabbed Ino by the back of her shirt and pulled her off, tossing her aside before helping Shikamaru to his feet and wiping away the blood running from his nose. "Shika, I'll take care of you once we get back to our room ok? Just go sit on that bench over there and I'll take care of her," he said, jerking his thumb in the direction of Ino who was getting up from where she had been thrown. Shikamaru nodded and slowly stumbled over to the little bench.

Kisame turned around to face Ino and glared at her. "You went too far this time," he said threateningly. He was still standing in front of the bars at the front of the ship, he could hear the water splashing against the front of the ship behind him. Ino must have forgotten this because she charged right at Kisame while screaming incoherently. When she was close enough, he stepped aside and grabbed onto her, propelling her right over the bars and into the freezing water below. Both her and Kiba most likely died because the ship was too far away from civilization for them to swim to shore. They also could've gotten devoured by sharks but who cares.

He turned around and was going to go over to Shika but he noticed Kankuro still filming and laughing.  
He went over to him and smacked the phone out of his hands. "You're fired. When we get back, you are no longer my assistant. If you see me at any point while we're on the ship, don't speak to me or I'll beat your sorry ass," Kisame snapped at him before going to Shikamaru. He kneeled down in front of him and frowned at how beaten up he looked. "Come now, Shika bby. I need to take you to our room," he said as he lifted Shikamaru into his arms and carried him away.

That night after he had gotten Shika's wounds cleaned up, Kisame made sweet gay love to his deer boy and they lived happily ever after for the next few years until Kisame cheated on Shikamaru with Itachi.

What a whore.

~End~


End file.

Naruto, Humor, Parody