Avengers 1. The New Phones

The boxes arrived in the post on a Monday morning for all of the Avengers. Inside each box was a brand new smart phone, the latest model, and a note.

Avengers,

As of late we've been having some difficulty with communication between each other, as you all know. We tried using the batsignal technique which almost got us sued. We tried using radio but Loki just kept intercepting the signal and doing a very poor imitation of me which all of you SOMEHOW managed to believe. I've come to the conclusion that the quickest way to connect to all of you quickly is to provide you each with your own mobile devices. These are STRICTLY for work use only, if I hear of any funny cat pictures being sent around I will put a parental lock on all of them.

Fury

THOR - STARK I HAVE WON A MILLION OF YOUR MIDGARDIAN DOLLARS

TONY - Thor

THOR - ALL I MUST DO IS PROVIDE MY CREDIT CARD INFORMATION. AS I DO NOT HAVE A CREDIT CARD I SHALL USE YOURS

TONY - THOR NO

* * *

-STEVE - ;0

STEVE - ;9

STEVE - #%*&%

TONY - ?

STEVE - how do i do the smiley face?

* * *

CLINT - tasha im out of toilet paper

NATASHA - omfg clint what do you want me to do about it

CLINT - bring me more

NATASHA - im kinda busy the heel of my shoe is in the mouth of a british spy

CLINT - what do I do then?

NATASHA - idk ask someone else

* * *

LOKI - you

LOKI - 8=D

LOKI - me

LOKI - 8======D

TONY - firstly how did you get this number

TONY - secondly that's real mature

TONY - thirdly im more 8==================D

* * *

CLINT - bruce im out of toilet paper

BRUCE - gfgrjjshnFDHFfdgH43745

CLINT - ?

BRUCE - RF76uhgj4

CLINT - your fingers are too big for the keys aren't they?

BRUCE - 896Hgf7bv# gh

* * *

THOR - LOKI

LOKI - gtfo thor

THOR - WHAT IS THIS GTFO, IS IT A TRADITIONAL MIDGARDIAN GREETING?

LOKI - ….

LOKI - yes

* * *

STEVE - bruce do you want me to buy you anything at the supermarket?

BRUCE - ';94(6^%dfgDSREGcsd

STEVE - you know what ill just call you

CLINT - tony im out of toilet paper

TONY - too bad

CLINT - could you bring me some

TONY - I can't im out

CLINT - no youre not I can hear you doing karaoke

TONY - no you cant because im out

CLINT - I just heard you open your front door

TONY - no you didn't

CLINT - now you're running down the driveway I can hear you

* * *

CLINT - thor im out of toilet paper

THOR - GTFO

CLINT - whoa sorry

THOR - ARE YOU NOT GOING TO SAY GTFO TO ME TOO?

CLINT - im thinking about it


	2. A Movie Night

Natasha decided it would be nice to have a get together for the Avengers. She thought it would be good to have a DVD night, but she wasn't sure what movie everyone would want to watch. With the help of her new phone, she decided to ask everyone what movies they would like.

* * *

NATASHA – hey thor im thinking of having a dvd night, what movie would you like?

THOR – I WOULD LIKE TO WATCH BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA

NATASHA – what why?

THOR – LOKI TELLS ME IT IS A FUN FILLED CHILDREN'S ADVENTURE WITH ABSOLUTELY NO UPSETTING OCCURANCES

NATASHA – does he now?

* * *

NATASHA – hey tony what movie would you like for my dvd night?

TONY – does it have to be clean?

NATASHA – yes remember what happened the first time we accidentally showed steve a sex scene?

TONY – point taken

* * *

NATASHA – clint you got a movie preference?

CLINT – lord of the rings

NATASHA – you've seen that 1000 times

CLINT – legolas is a very inspiring character

NATASHA – I wish you'd never asked tony to tell you where he got that reference

* * *

NATASHA – bruce what's you're favorite movie?

BRUCE – 5%$hfj*khl';

NATASHA – you do realize these come with a voice translation system right?

BRUCE – Egg

NATASHA – I forgot that you only growl when youre hulk

* * *

NATASHA – hey steve would you like to recommend a golden oldie to show us at dvd night?

STEVE – nah I wont put you through that. I don't mind what we watch

STEVE – as long as its not that one that tony picked last time

NATASHA – don't worry ive told him no

STEVE – or the shining

STEVE – I haven't slept since sam showed me that

* * *

TONY – wait Natasha I know what we should watch

NATASHA – what?

TONY – game of thrones

NATASHA – no

TONY – WINTER IS COMING

TONY – THERE MUST ALWAYS BE A STARK AT WINTERFELL

TONY – that means I can be at winterfell get it?

NATASHA – shut up tony

* * *

BRUCE – Salad Muffins

NATASHA – try again

BRUCE – Farmer Blanket Spaceship

NATASHA – maybe hold it further away from your face

* * *

TONY – hey thor have you picked a movie for natasha's dvd night yet I cant think of anything

THOR – I SUGGESTED A SCREENING OF THE EUPHORIC CHILDREN'S FILM BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA

TONY – you like that movie?

THOR – LOKI SAYS HE THOROUGHLY ENJOYED IT

TONY – do you really think you would enjoy things that loki does?

* * *

LOKI – I want to watch sex and the city

NATASHA – YOU AREN'T INVITED


	3. The Impersonator

Thor went out to buy some poptarts but when he returned home he found his phone was gone. Without it, he couldn't tell the other Avengers that an impersonator might be pretending to be him via his phone.

Meanwhile, the person who stole Thor's phone does exactly what Thor fears, but who could the mysterious individual be?

* * *

THOR – take me to your leader

CLINT – thor you met the president the other day at lunch

THOR – I think I left something at the white house you have to take me back

CLINT – what did you leave there?

THOR – my phone

THOR – wait

* * *

THOR – I need to borrow the iron man suit

TONY – what for?

THOR – to pick up some chicks

THOR – yo

TONY – thor you have a girlfriend

THOR – its an open relationship

* * *

THOR – I need you to rob a bank

NATASHA – if you want to borrow some money you can just ask me

THOR – no you need to rob the bank because they did something bad

NATASHA – what did they do?

THOR – they make you pay 2 dollars to use another banks machines

THOR – they take your money then they take more of it

THOR – thieving capitalist hounds, am I right?

NATASHA – loki how did you get thor's phone?

* * *

THOR – I need you to crush stark tower

BRUCE – gH45fdh$ dm

THOR – because stark has decided to build a new one now go crush it

BRUCE – ';45hfv&9)=

THOR – I don't know maybe there's a leak in the pipes

BRUCE – /u6thcXn#

THOR – because getting a plumber out takes too long I don't know

BRUCE - dcbgCIg hjn4$

THOR – how do you know that I must be an impersonator based on the fact that I can understand your text messages?!

* * *

THOR – do what you were made for bucky and kill captain America

BUCKY – who's bucky?

THOR – dammit

* * *

THOR – I think the president might be an alien in disguise

STEVE – you think loki's impersonating the president?

THOR – er…yes I think he is

STEVE – how can you tell?

THOR – he has a really cool walk

THOR – hes really good with words

THOR – and he just looks so regal

STEVE – I guess loki's trying really hard not to look like himself then

THOR – how dare you

* * *

TONY – hey has thor been sending you any weird texts?

NATASHA – he has I wonder why that could be

TONY – maybe he has a cold

TONY – oh my god

TONY – jane's broken up with him

TONY – that's why he wanted to pick up chicks

NATASHA – its loki you moron

* * *

TONY – that explains so much

THOR – you are better than me

LOKI – I know

THOR – you're also really cool I could never get on your level

LOKI – that's right

THOR – I want you to be king of asgard

LOKI – so do I


	4. A Day Off for Iron Man

Tired of his Avengers duties, Tony Stark decides to have the day off. While he relaxes by the pool with a martini in hand, he leaves Jarvis in charge of manning his mobile phone.

* * *

NATASHA – hey stark where are you we're supposed to box today

TONY – im afraid I shall have to decline today miss romanoff as I have a rather busy schedule, but I appreciate the invitation

NATASHA – alright who is this?

* * *

TONY – good afternoon mr rogers, as you are at the supermarket I would like to request that you purchase some milk as we are running low

STEVE – uh sure, what sort do you like?

TONY – I request some skim milk, as I am trying to improve my health

STEVE – I thought you always had full cream with an extra dollop of cream in it

TONY – and that appears to have backfired on me, which is why I require skim

TONY – also it might be helpful if you removed the label before placing it in the fridge

* * *

CLINT – tony im out of toilet paper

TONY – im sorry to hear that mr barton shall I bring you more?

CLINT – honestly I wasn't expecting to get this far

CLINT – I was kind of hoping you would run away again so I could raid the cupboard

* * *

BRUCE - ;kht6$fgH

TONY – im afraid I do not understand mr banner please try again

BRUCE – 4#fgDc]2!

TONY - im afraid I do not understand mr banner please try again

BRUCE – k*gh5%RF# 6p "k

TONY - im afraid I do not understand mr banner please try again

* * *

THOR – GTFO STARK HOW ARE YOU THIS FINE MORNING?

TONY – I am well thank you thor, yourself?

THOR – I AM MARVELLOUS. SAY ARE YOU IN POSSESSION OF A CAN OF TRASH?

TONY – I may have one in my possession, may I ask why you require such an object?

THOR – LOKI HAS EATEN THE LAST POPTART AND I WISH TO PUT HIM IN IT

* * *

STEVE – tony im lost again I need directions back to the tower

TONY – certainly mr rogers, what is your current position?

STEVE – im in times square

TONY – go down the first street to your left. There you will see a large, blue building. On the left of that blue building is a small alleyway that will cross into the next street. Once you are through that alleyway take a left at the mcdonalds to your right. Continue down this street until you see the big silver statue, then go down the street to which this statue is adjacent

STEVE – you know what I think I'll just get a cab

* * *

LOKI – help

TONY – im afraid I am disinclined to do this as you are a threat to society

LOKI – come on stark it's a small favor I promise I wont try to kill you

TONY – what is the favor in question?

LOKI – thor's shoved me in a trash can and I can't get out

TONY – I understand that in that situation the fault was your own and therefore you must face these consequences by yourself

LOKI – you've made a powerful enemy today my friend


	5. Nick Fury Comes to Dinner

(Hey everybody! How's it going? I hope you're all enjoying Dial 1800 Avengers so far. If you have any suggestions for prompts such as the one below, feel free to PM me and I won't forget to mention you as the contributor of the idea!)

Nick Fury is coming to the Avengers Tower for dinner. Steve is adamant that everything should be perfect, but the other Avengers are a bit laid back about the whole thing.

* * *

STEVE – tony do we have any napkins at the tower?

TONY – steve nobody ever uses napkins

STEVE – I don't mean to use them, im going to fold them into swans

TONY – you can do origami?

STEVE – no

STEVE – but I found a tutorial on the internet

* * *

STEVE – clint can you do some dusting?

CLINT – im a bit occupied at the moment

STEVE – what are you doing?

CLINT – im watching lord of the rings

STEVE – can't that wait?

CLINT – Frodo didn't wait for sauron to come for the ring

* * *

LOKI – I just stole a car

STEVE – not today loki

LOKI – I kidnapped the president

LOKI – I blew up a building

LOKI – I took over Australia

LOKI – pay attention to me

* * *

STEVE – thor where's the cake you said you were going to bring?

THOR – THAT IS RATHER AN INTERESTING TALE

THOR – I BROUGHT THE CAKE TO THE TOWER AND PLACED IT IN THE KITCHEN

THOR – BUT AS I PUT IT DOWN ONE OF THOSE ACCURSED GULLS OF SEA FLEW IN THE WINDOW

THOR – IT TOOK THE CAKE IN ITS TALONS AND FLEW AWAY WITH IT

THOR – I TRIED TO STOP IT BUT THE FIEND ESCAPED

STEVE – you ate it didn't you?

THOR – YES

* * *

STEVE – bruce you were supposed to clean the plates not throw them on the floor!

BRUCE – yHg(7% \ngH?

STEVE – im going to assume that's an apology

* * *

STEVE – Natasha where are you?

NATASHA – im at work I told you

STEVE – fury's going to be here in half an hour! When are you coming back?

NATASHA – I don't know

NATASHA – it depends how long this guy can stand being kicked in the groin repeatedly

* * *

STEVE – tony where are you?

TONY – im buying napkins

STEVE – wait really?

TONY – no

TONY – I forgot sarcasm doesn't work in text messages

* * *

LOKI – I'll bring a dessert

STEVE – YOU AREN'T INVITED


End file.

Avengers, Humor