Vampire Diaries 1. Chapter 1

**Okay so this story is one my brother wrote, I just corrected it and kind of finished the end. There might be another chapter but this isn't a long term kinda story, I just thought it was funny. He has many more but they are kinda graphic I tried to steam em down… he's thirteen can you blame him lol anyway I really hope you guys like it. I'm writing my V.K. story as well and I'm trying to make the next chapter a little longer than the others. On word its like three pages Idk how long it looks here but we'll see. This of course has my character lily in it and Damon. This is the story that would happen if they lived in the 2000's and had some kids, but of course they are still part of the supernatural club. P.S. Every character but Damon and the two dudes at the store are mine. The guys belong to my bros imagination and the beautiful Damon belongs to the talented L. Jane Smith**

Lily Salvatore stood in the kitchen cooking dinner, but she was having a hard time cooking

"Mom its ok you don't have to cook just because Mykell is spending the night" a fifteen year old boy said. He had long black hair that reached down to his shoulders, and wore black shorts and a tee shirt.

"Yeah I know I don't have to but you know I thought it would be nice"

"Eh yo DJ get in here you're brother is beating up you're guy on the ps3." Mykell said

"Dammit Logan I'm going to kick your ass!"

"DJ Don't use that language in front of me" lily said But DJ was mad and just then the chicken in Lily's hands caught on fire and she dropped it. When it hit the floor lily screamed and stomped on it once it burned out lily took off her boots and looked at DJ "Dammit DJ I'm going to kick you're ass" she said  
>you one: made me destroy the chicken and two: you made me mess up my boots"<p>

"Sorry mom" she mumbled some stuff under her breath and then yelled

"Damon" just as Logan and Mykell laughed and chanted

"DJ gone get his butt whooped DJ gone get his butt Whooped"

"Shut it fags" he growled but Mykell kept going as Logan just smiled "I said shut it you chocolate covered bunny"DJ said. Logan started to chant it again but DJ said "Shut it dork!" Logan stopped and said "at least I'm not getting my tail smacked" just then Damon walked in and said

"What's the problem?"

"I need you to go to the store and pick me up a chicken." He looked at lily then at the chicken "I won't even ask what happened" He hopped in his car and drove off to the store. When he arrived he walked in and a man said

"Hello sir how are you?" Damon barely glanced and kept walking. He was going toward the food section when he saw this weird machine. He observed it and said to himself

"What is this thing" just as another man who worked at the store said

"Hello sir do you need help with something?"

"Yeah, what is this thing?"

"Oh this sir is our one and only get small machine." Damon looked at him and laughed

"Get small machine are you serious? What kind of name is that?"

"Well sir the name tells what it does."

"Well what the hell does it do?" Damon asked kind of frustrated

"Well it makes you decrease age until you are six years old"

"Yeah right" Damon laughed again

"Sir Do you not believe me? 

"Of course I don't believe you I mean come on get small machine that's the most stupidest thing I've ever heard of"

"Fine then try it out and see for your self." Damon said

"Fine" and pressed the button. Nothing happed "see I told you so" Damon said walking away. He got the chicken and left. When he got home the boys were upstairs playing.

"Here you go lily" she took the chicken and started getting it ready to cooking. Damon went upstairs and went to sleep. DJ, Logan, and Mykell came down stairs and saw lily getting ready to put the chicken in the stove when DJ said

"Hey mom!" just then lily screamed

"Oh shit!" and dropped the chicken in the sink with dirty water. "You know what DJ!"

"Sorry mom"

"No now we're having enchiladas. She went in the freezer and got some enchiladas out. She put them in a pan, ten minutes later lily said

"Oh my god why is this taking so long I put it on six on the highest burner and they're still not done."

"Don't worry mom I'll turn the fire up"

"Wait, wait DJ don't  
>but then the enchiladas started cooking. "Wow thanks DJ"<p>

"No problem mom" then the three boys walked away, but lily didn't see them leave

"Okay DJ they're done. DJ, DJ!" Just then they caught fire. She threw them on the floor and stomped on them. When they burned out she cried "DJ!" from far away she heard

"Sorry mom" she sighed and yelled

"I am making soup" she got out a pack of soup and put it in the microwave but them it broke

"I got it mom" DJ said and he used his fire power to heat the soup up when it finished lily said

"Wow it didn't burn" she put it on the table but before they could eat it, it caught on fire. She threw it on the floor and stomped on the bowl. When it burned out DJ said

"Sorry mom "lily looked at him and said

"Shut up"

The next morning lily got up and started cooking breakfast (microwavable breakfast sandwiches of course) Damon slept in a little later than usual but still got up early. He yawned, scratched his butt and made his way to the bathroom, still half asleep. He looked up and wondered why everything looked so tall he tried to reach the sink but found he was too short. So he climbed on the toilet then from there he got on the sink. He looked in the mirror and saw what looked like a little six year old face, but it was Damon. He was speechless he jumped down, but fell and yelled in a little kid voice

"Lily!" she must not have heard him "hey what happened to my voice? Better yet what happened to me" He ran down stairs and into the kitchen "lily" Damon said

"Oh my gosh" lily said

"Yeah I know look what happened to me" Damon said breathless

"Damon look there's a cute little boy in here"

"Lily I am Damon"

"Hold on little boy my husband is coming"

"Lily what are retarded? I am your husband"

"Aw you are such a cute little boy"

"What the hell is wrong with you lily"

"Don't use that kind of language it can make people sad"

"You need therapy for retards."

"Where is Damon"  
>"I AM DAMON!" Lily frowned then said<p>

"Damon is that really you."

"Yes lily it's me" she then walked over to him and checked his arm. The tattoo he got of a lily was on his arm. Then she pat him down.

"Wow, its small now bit I recognize it"

"Well speaking of it why don't we go upstairs and you suck my…"

"No Damon we don't have time for that I need to know what happened to you" lily said

"I got small that's what happened lily"

"But how? There must have been something that triggered it" Damon glared and folded his arms over his chest

"Wal-Mart"

"Wal-Mart?" he nodded

:when I went to get that stupid chicken this guy showed me this machine, it was called a Get Small Machine, I didn't think it was gonna work! Bit it did and now I'm small"

"Yes you are" lily muttered

"What I didn't hear you from all the way down here" he stomped his foot and she shook her head before turning the stove off. There were sudden thuds and DJ, Logan, and Mykell raced into the kitchen. Damon hid under the table

"Hey mom you cooking break…"

"Get the hell out of this kitchen you pyro freak" she yelled. DJ looked kind of hurt but the boys left. Damon came out and lily pulled him into a corner "so what do we do?"

"I'll tell you what we are going to do. We are going to go to Wall-Mart and we are going to blow it up take that guy hostage and shove hotdogs into his mouth until he begs for mercy." Lily thought for a moment then said

"Or…we could go and ask for the reversal machine."

"Oh yeah that was my plan B" she shook her head

"Oh I'm sure" and with that they ran out

**Well here we are Again I hope you like it, I laughed when he read it to me but maybe that's cuz I'm his sister lol please review and I will get to my V.K. story**


	2. I'm lovin' it

I don't own TVD nor do I own Michael Myers. But I do own the other peeps here. Hope you enjoy this chapter guys. It came from deep down in my twisted mind!

Damon and Lily got to Wal-Mart and were pissed off. Damon stormed in and started looking for the guy

"If he can't help you Damon I promise to rip him a new one" Lily said, Damon waved her off

"Oh he's gonna help I know he is." They searched throughout the store and finally found the guy who had given him the get small machine. The man smiled and started walking toward Damon and Lily

"Well hello sir…" he didn't get much further. Damon grabbed a huge metal pan and slammed him across the face with it.

"Shut up bitch!" he yelled "what did you do to me?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." The man said as he cried Damon drop kicked him

"Listen man, you had better turn me back or we're gonna have a problem."

"But sir, we don't have the get big machine in stock." Damon stared at him then he gasped and started sputtering

"Well, why the heck do you have The Get Small machine if The Get Big machine isn't in stock?" When the worker shrugged Damon slammed him over the head with the pan again. "You better get that in" the man struggled to his feet

"Okay, okay just don't hit me again, you'll just have to live your life until we get it in please!" the man started crying harder. People all around were staring at them, women whispering and children laughing. The man started to crawl away but Damon grabbed him and whispered

"if I have to stay stuck like this then I will come back with my glock and shoot you right in the face do you hear me bitch" the man nodded over and over again Damon nodded as well then said "lets roll Lily" Lily smiled at the man and followed Damon out of Wal-mart. When they got back in the car lily turned on the radio and Lady Gaga started to play. Damon made a face

"What's the matter?"

"I hate Lady Gaga, turn it off." Lily shook her head

"But I love this song!" then she started singing along

"I WAS BORN THIS WAY I WAS BORN THIS WAY OH YEAH UH HUH YEAH WHAT BORN THIS WAY!" Damon glared and kicked her chair. "Ow why'd you do that?"

"Shut the singing down." He growled in his ridiculous high pitched voice. Damon then sat back and allowed her to drive "hey lily"

"Yes Damon" she turned the corner and sped the car up. He gripped the seat belt and took a deep breath. His stomach started hurting. Caving in on itself. He hadn't felt this horrible feeling in five hundred years. He recognized it though, and he didn't like it very much

"I think I'm hungry, for human food." She turned around and frowned

"Really, that's weird but you're a vampire you just got small." Damon thought about that for a long time. Get small machine. Made him small, his voice got all squeaky like he hadn't gone through puberty yet. But he had a loooooong time ago, so why was it squeaky. Damon rose off his seat and looked in the mirror again, checking himself out. He looked familiar. Not just because he was hot and all but because he had once looked like this.

"Oh crap I'm five again; the get small machine shrank me, turning me into a kid again. That's why I'm not a vampire cause I wasn't a vampire when I was five…oh dang this sucks."

"Well if you're five again then you will have to refrain from cursing." Damon stared at the back of her head for a long time before he muttered

"Shut up lily, now take me to McDonalds I'm starving." Lily started to say something but thought about it and nodded

"Alright Damon."

AT McDONALDS'

Damon ordered a happy meal while Lily got a cheese burger and a diet coke. Damon glared at her when they sat down in the children's' area

"Why did you get a diet coke when you're gonna eat a cheese burger you fat ass." Lily's jaw dropped and she started to cry. Damon rolled his eyes and started playing with his green lantern toy. He made a lot of noise flying it around. Then he decided he was going to play in the tunnels. "Hold my toy and do not play with him got it?" he said to Lily who sighed

"Whatever just have fun sweetie." Damon made a face but ran over to the tunnel, flipped his shoes off then climbed in. Lily continued sitting there, and staring at her cheese burger. "Don't eat it lily it's not worth it. It is not worth it…" she was tapped on the shoulder "I WASN'T GONNA EAT IT!" she yelled before she saw it was just a lady a little older than what lily looked like. She had short brown hair and weak blue eyes. Her skin was stretched and wrinkly. Lily smiled

"Hello, my name is Lucy." Lily shook her hand

"I'm Lily, how are you."

"Oh I'm quite fine, do you mind if I sit?" lily offered her Damon's seat

"Not at all, here, well um is your child here?" Lucy laughed

"Oh yes my adorable little jenny, she's a sweet girl, I couldn't help but notice your um, son…" she trailed off as if not sure. Lily glanced up at Damon who was making faces at her through the plastic

"Yes my son, what is it. Did he do something he was just off on his own…?"

"Oh no not to me or my dear Jenny but I couldn't help but notice, he does have a dirty mouth." Lily blushed

"Yes he does, sometimes he just can't cope with certain things I say."

"Well Lily that isn't your fault, he is the child you are the adult. You have to assert yourself." Lily blinked and smiled

"Oh no, no Damon is fine. He's just got a mouth but its nothing big." Lucy nodded slowly

"But it is Lily, he'll say the wrong thing to someone and he'll probably get hurt now you wouldn't want that now would you?" Lily looked up at Damon who was now throwing plastic coloured balls around the netted cage he was in with a few other kids. She had always warned Damon about his mouth.

"You're right I don't want anything to happen to him. So what do I do?" Lucy leaned forward

"you tell him what you want and make sure he listens." Lily bit her lip and pushed her long blond curls away from her face. She took a deep breath

"Alright, Damon it's time to go, we have to go home." Damon shook his head

"I don't think so" Lily shrugged

"Well okay honey…" but one look at Lucy made lily take a breath and call again "no Damon we have to go now so get out the ball pit and lets go!" Damon froze his stare on her then said

"Who you talkin' to?" he said curiously lily looked to Lucy who nodded encouragingly

"You now let's go." Damon got out of the ball pit and marched over to her.

"We're going when I say we're going to you hear me?"

"Assert yourself Lily"

"Hey lady why don't you shut up I run this." Some lady in the corner with her husband made a noise

"Oooohhhh this is gonna be good" the man agreed. Lucy gave a lily a look

"Lily you run this not him, he's a little boy and you won't let him talk to you that way tell him." Lily looked at Damon quickly; he glared at her his black eyes burning. Lily gulped then stood up.

"We're leaving now! I run this shit and we are going home do you understand me." Again Damon was back to sputtering

"Wha… how… you… darn you." The whole of McDonalds broke into applause at that and Lily grabbed Damon by his hand. By then it was dark out

"Thank you Lucy you're right I am the parent." Damon made a face

"You're not my…" but Lily stomped on his foot hard before she led him out. When they got to the car Damon shook her off "I'm gonna kill you lily. You hear that. I hate you when we get home I'm gonna cut you. How dare you act like my parent and command me. I'm the man you hear me you listen to me!" Lily crossed her arms over her chest and scoffed

"Is that so?"

"Yup" Lily and Damon had a stare down then all of a sudden, she pushed him down opened the car door, got in and drove off. "hey! Get back here, I'm scared of the dark, oh shoot come one." But Lily was out of the parking lot. No cars were left and the street lamps were slowly turning off.

Damon heard music all of a sudden. He couldn't place the music at first. He didn't know where it was coming from. But then it got louder and he got it. It was the theme music from Halloween. Which meant…Damon turned around slowly and saw a masked man walking toward him, a knife in one hand and a boom box in the other. Damon screamed like a girl and started running. Michael Myers started to chase him with the knife and boom box. Damon ran around the parking lot screaming for help but no one came. Lily drove up after a while

"Hey Damon are you ready to apologize and get in the car?" she asked he glared at her

"You shut up and open the door." Lily frowned

"Oh I don't think so not with that attitude." And she drove off again. Michael grabbed for Damon but he ducked and rolled, got back up and continued running for his life. He tried to go back into McDonalds but it was locked

"Oh come on the sign says open twenty four hours, open the door." The music got louder and Damon turned around to see Michael now in a leather jacket coming for him. "" he yelled in fear and continued running. He got so scared he almost peed himself. _"Oh shit oh shit somebody help me, I can't do this I don't wanna die…again" Damon_ thought as he continued to run and scream all around the parking lot. Finally when he was in tears Lily drove up again

"So what do we say?" he gasped and tried to open the door

"Please I'm sorry okay he's trying to kill me just open the door lily I'm sorry for being mean I'll never be mean again." Lily seemed to think about it then she unlocked the door.

"Get in" once he did she turned the radio up and drove off leaving Michael Myers alone in the parking lot.

I wonder what the next chapter of their story will be hmm… well review and perhaps we'll find out


End file.

Vampire Diaries, Adventure, Humor