Final Fantasy VIII, Final Fantasy X Thoughts of an Ice Spirit

**(A/N: I was unsure how to categorise this. I settled for FFVIII and FFX, but characters from FFVI to X are mentioned.**

**Warning: Contains strong language.**

**Disclaimer: Final Fantasy characters belong to Square-Enix.)**

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Here it comes again; that familiar tightening sensation in my stomach. Why do they always have such inconvenient timing?

I mean, it's not like they ever think about _us_. Yes, that's right, we have lives too, you stupid mortals! And I was in the middle of a poker game with Ifrit, and now I'm not there the flaming bastard is sure to cheat.

I materialise in the middle of a battle and do my thing. You know, look seductive for a moment, pose and stretch, then BAM! Icicles in your face, suckers. Die!

But I know what's happening behind me. Oh yes, don't think I'm oblivious. I know why the guy in the cowboy hat keeps summoning me. He's getting a good look.

I've had it before, of course. I suppose that's what comes of being an incredibly beautiful and practically naked female spirit. They have different names for our kind, the mortals. Esper, eidolon, aeon... it makes no difference to me. But the men are all the same: it's perv, perv, perv, all the time. I swear that's all they summon me for, some of them.

Ifrit says it's my own fault. I invite unwanted attention because of the way I look. Ha. He's just jealous because he's such an ugly, horned bastard. I dress the way I do because I'm a spirit of ice. I like being cold. Too much fabric makes me hot and uncomfortable. I'm not sacrificing my comfort just to ward off arseholes. They'd gawp at me anyway; I can't help being so attractive.

I have to say though, humans aren't the only perverts around here. Take Ramuh, for instance. Oh, don't let his wise old man guise fool you; the lecherous git knows what he's doing. Like the time he invited that sixteen-year old princess to become his master. Just when I thought I'd got shot of the bitch, too. I'd scratched her off my list after her power was taken away from her, and then Ramuh undid all that good work by inviting her to become a summoner again! Just so he could get a good look at her backside every time she summoned him. That made him unpopular for a while, I can tell you.

Oh yes, he's had a few in his time, has Ramuh. Of course, I would never stoop so low as to even think about a relationship with him – ugh! The third time I turned him down I froze his beard to his genitals and he never came calling again. I don't know how the canny bastard does it. Don't believe what Phoenix tells you; everyone knows who Quezacotl's _real _father is. And as for Ixion, let's not even go there.

Now, Odin – there's a god with real presence. I must admit to getting a few butterflies in my stomach every time I see him. Unfortunately, he's quite busy most of the time. I asked him to let me ride his horse once, but he won't let anyone else even go near the stupid six-legged thing.

I return home only to find that Ifrit has gone. Either he's been summoned too, or he's legged it, the ungrateful son of a devil. And it's hot too. You have Ifrit in your house for more than a minute, the internal temperature shoots up five degrees. I hate that. He says my house is too cold, but he only feels that way because he likes volcanic heat. Ugh. He sweats constantly too. It's disgusting. I make a mental note not to invite him over again and turn the fan on full blast.

I'm feeling tired. That's another unfortunate side effect of being at the mercy of stupid mortals. You can never get a full night's sleep. I go upstairs to my bedroom and check the list on my computer. Oh yes, we have technology. What, did you think I spent all my time floating around and freezing things? Nah, about the only thing my power's useful for in this realm is getting iced drinks in the summer. And for keeping away unwelcome visitors with the odd well-aimed shard of ice.

So anyway, I check the list of my employees. I say employees, but really, it's not a very reciprocal relationship. It's not like I have any choice in the matter, or even that I get anything in return. Selfish bastards, all of them. Some are worse than others. With Irvine for instance – is it Irvine? Oh, no, it's changed again. The name on the screen is now Quistis. Well, I can't keep up with it. They switch us around so often, I can hardly be bothered to learn their names. This party is one of the worst. Not only do I have to suffer the indignity of being summoned at least twice a day (goes up to eight times when Irvine's got me, the fucker), their magic also forces my lifeforce to guard them while they're summoning. So because they're so damn slow, I have to bear the brunt of all the attacks on them. That's just obscene. Sometimes, I wake up in my room, only to find that half the day's gone by and I was lying unconscious on the floor all that time. Heaven forbid if Ramuh ever decides to visit me then.

The name Quistis is top of the list and it's flashing, which means it's active. That's another thing. It's _always_ active. Because the bastards in that world have the cheek to use our powers all the time to boost their own. They call it junctioning. Whoever came up with that idea ought to be burnt at the stake. It's like I'm permanently on call, and they can summon me any time. And it's power draining too.

Okay, okay, I know. I'm tired. It's making me grumpy. But looking at all the names on the screen, I just can't help wanting to strangle every one of them.

Let's see... Cloud is inactive. The spiky-haired twit is probably playing games in the Gold Saucer again. I click on his name to look. Yep. He's playing the snowboarding game, rather badly, I might add. Oh, that's another thing they don't know. As long as they've equipped the power to summon us, we can see everything they do. I can even watch it on a big screen on the television downstairs. It's quite entertaining sometimes. And occasionally I spot one of my friends and wave, even though I know they can't see me.

Who else? Ah yes, Terra. Also inactive. What's she doing? Looking after orphaned children. As you do when your world is completely ruined. Still, at least that means she won't be needing me. I hate the bitch. She's half one of us, you'd think she'd understand. No such luck. Must be the human in her. Traitor.

What kind of crazy spirit would ever shack up with a dirty human? I'll tell you who. Maduin. Too soft for his own good. When a human accidentally stumbled across our realm, he took her in, and his pity turned to love. Stupid sucker. I voted for evicting the bitch there and then, but unfortunately I was outnumbered.

Next... Garnet. Inactive. Let's have a look... Whoops, she's in bed with the monkey-boy. I close the window immediately. You see, I, unlike _certain_ spirits, respect the privacy of my clients. They don't deserve it. Bahamut knows, the little whore, with her cushy life and cushier palace, does not deserve anything from me, not least my awesome powers which she uses without so much as a thank-you. But I'm used to that. She's been inactive for weeks now, thank goodness. I'm thinking about dumping her in the archives.

Who else? Oh yes, the last name. I've been saving this for last because, believe me, this summoner is the worst of them all. The name flashes like a dirty word: Yuna. Everyone hates control freaks and Yuna is so powerful that she has more control over 'her aeons', as she calls them, than anyone else I've ever served. Fucking bitch. What's worse, she thinks we like her. She says lame things like "Be strong!" and "Please, help us!" even though she knows she's got us right where she wants us. That is, completely subject to her will. She has the gall to stand right next to me in battle, when even the most lecherous of the other summoners (I'm looking at you, Irvine) will retreat to a safe distance. The only good thing about it is that my beauty becomes even more stunning next to her, the ugly shrimp.

When I'm with Yuna, I can't just waltz in, do my thing and fuck off like in other battles. No, she can keep me there as long as she wants. I barely even have control of my own body; she orders my every move. And she doesn't care if I get knocked out, either. In fact, in tough battles, she'll summon everyone she's got, just so her friends don't have to take the pain. Ifrit hates her too. And Valefor... well, I feel sorry for Valefor. Imagine having Yuna as your very first master. Valefor's suffering a nervous breakdown right now; she bursts into tears every time Yuna's name is mentioned.

I remember what she said the last time I talked to her.

"If she pets me on the beak one more time, I swear I'll bite her head off!"

But Valefor knows she can't. All I can say is that I'm glad Yuna doesn't go for the close physical contact with me. Can you believe that she makes Ifrit catch her every time she summons him? Humiliating, or what? Yuna obviously knows that going any nearer to me will just make her look even uglier in comparison, so she stays away. That, and I'd skewer the bitch if I could.

The only thing I can say in her favour is that at least she does have some moral integrity. Her power is so absolute, she could make us do _anything_ – well, most of us, anyway – so thank Bahamut she's a girl. I dread to think what Irvine would do with that amount of control, or even Cloud: he's such a hormonal loser.

What kind of sicko would give adolescent males the power to summon, anyway? In my opinion, the power should be restricted to females. They're better at it. Well, actually, in my opinion the humans should all fuck off and leave us alone, but it's not going to happen. It's not just humans doing it though. When you've experienced the pleasure of being summoned by a robotic cat sitting on a giant stuffed Mog, then you know you've hit rock bottom. The sheer indignity of it... it's just not right for a beautiful ice spirit like me to come running at the whim of a _robotic cat_.

I sigh. Two of my clients are active. I doubt I'll be able to get a good night's sleep. I'm not the most powerful spirit, but I'm popular nevertheless. I remember Odin's words. Did I mention how handsome he is? He's wise too. He said, "It's better to be less powerful, Shiva. The powerful are always in demand."

It's a good point too. I don't know how Bahamut rules, the way he gets called up every hour, and all the minutes in between he's got the lesser spirits stalking him adoringly and asking him for his autograph. I admit I stalked him once. Everyone goes through a Bahamut-adulation phase. You can't help it. Even the humans admire him, though their opinions are worth about as much as spit in the ocean. Siren became so obsessed with him she stalked him for three months. Yeah, well, that's what you'd expect from a bimbo like Siren. She has wings sprouting out of her head, for Bahamut's sake.

I've checked all the names now. I've found that my clients tend to summon me less and less as they become more experienced in battle. It's either because they can take the monsters on their own, or because they've found some poor sap with better powers to summon. Well, that's fine with me. My own power in their world is determined by them. I remember the first few times I was summoned, I barely had enough to freeze a puddle. Amateurs.

But most of them are stronger now, so hopefully I'll be left alone to get on with my own life. You realise my career has been shot to shit? Yeah, I had a lucrative deal as a model, only I got sacked because I kept vanishing in the middle of the catwalk. And it's all their fault. I'm living on a pittance now. Ifrit keeps making suggestive comments, like "I know a way you could make a ton of cash and you'd only have to work at night." Like I don't know what he's getting at. I told him to forget it. I definitely don't want Ramuh getting any ideas.

I leave the computer on. The light from the monitor is the only thing illuminating the room. I get into bed and fall asleep straight away, I'm that tired. I'm dreaming about Odin and things are just starting to get interesting when...

Yuna, you fucking bitch. I told you they always chose the most inconvenient times. Bastards, the lot of them.


End file.

Final Fantasy VIII, Final Fantasy X, Humor, Parody