Lord of the Rings Fair Wanderer, Thou Makest Me Sick

May, 2010. A/N: Written on a crazy impulse in a biology class nearly two years ago, with a few edits. :) Please enjoy and don't forget to review!

-o-

The sun darkened slightly and the air suddenly became hazy. Middle-Earth stopped revolving on her axis for a microsecond to allow for the latest unwelcome entrance into post-war-with-Sauron Ithilien. Then the sunshine burst out from behind the clouds, the birds sang, and five rainbows in previously thought to be impossible positions in the sky appeared.

Said unwelcome guest had golden hair that rippled down past her slender waist as she walked, her steps barely able to be heard. Her eyes were big and bright blue, shining as if she always had teardrops ready to fall (and for her sick purposes she probably did). Apparently she was lost – she was calling out in some foul language, presumably for help.

Of course, the only person that was in range of her and could possibly offer any help was hiding behind a tree, terrified out of his wits. That creature seemed to bring some very bad memories that he thought he'd left behind for good. He watched as she tossed her golden hair in a gesture of annoyance and impatience.

She began to sing – and he had never heard a voice like that before. Sickeningly sweet and piercing was that voice. He listened to the words that she sang:

_Ah! Elbereth Gilthoniel_

_Sila lumenn' Galadriel_

_O menel palantir Silmaril_

_Uzbekistan ar Anduril_

Legolas raised an eyebrow. This was no elleth – the words were too nonsensical to offend an Elvish hymn by gracing it with their presence. But there was no way that she could be mortal – how could she be? No human woman he'd ever met had such fine features or the gift of being able to tread so lightly on the ground with such delicacy. And that hair! Galadriel's hair looked like dry crud compared to the brightness of the creature's locks.

"Legolas?"

The Elf froze. _Oh no, she found me_. Yes, all creatures like this one were always impossibly beautiful and invariably stupid, but they always seemed to have a talent – possibly the only talent they possessed – to find him, wherever he may be. But he was on his guard.

"Stay away from me!" he yelled, in rather uncharacteristic fashion, "you fell beast escaped from the realm of Mordor!"

She blinked.

"I don't understandeth what you meaneth," she said, her voice overflowing with sweetness that nearly made the son of Thranduil throw up. He pointed a finger at her accusingly.

"You know exactly what I mean! You are a Mary Sue!"

She blinked again.

"I am not a Mary Sue!" she cried with saccharine innocence. Funny that – he could've sworn he heard someone else yell 'She's not a Mary Sue!' at precisely the same time.

"Well, what are you then?" asked Legolas.

"My name is Sue Marie. I am pleasedeth to maketh your acquaintanceth." She gave him a blindingly white smile which might have been attractive had her teeth not been showing top and bottom and drool nearly spilling out at the sight of the _sooper-hot_ Elf prince.

Legolas quickly assessed the situation. A Shakespeareth!Sue crossed with a Denial!Sue, most likely.

"So what are you, exactly?"

She smiled sweetly. "I'm half Elf, half Man, half Vala and half Dragon. Eth."

The poor Elf could scarcely conceal a wince when he wondered for a moment how she could have possibly managed to have Dragon blood in her genetic background. Then again, anything is possible with Mary Sue. Sorry, Sue Marie.

Denial!Sue (or Shakespeareth!Sue, whichever you prefer) was somewhat taken aback by the fact that Legolas wasn't already immediately on his knees proclaming undying love after having known each other for half a minute. So, being a slightly smarter Sue (having read Shakespeare – though I doubt she can read at all) she decided to get his attention through other means.

When Legolas next looked at her, her eyes were brimming over with tears.

"Alas!" she cried, "Looketh at me!" A knife materialised out of nowhere and she slashed through her sleeve so that she was prettily (yet modestly) baring her shoulder. From her shoulder to her wrist she was covered in dragon scales. ( By this time Legolas was thinking in confused punctuation marks, ?…!)

"Forsooth, I am too hideous to look upon!" she wailed, burying her head in her hands. "Alas that I hath Dragon blood!"

Legolas felt like someone was trying to compel him to assure her that she wasn't hideous to _him_ and they would be happy forever walking the strands of Eldamar, etc. But he was determined not to yield to it. The battle with the Suethor commenced.

So it came as quite a shock to Sue Marie when she peered between a gap in her slender fingers and she saw Legolas standing there with his arms folded, looking unconcerned, unsympathetic and unconvinced. She tried crying a little louder. Still Legolas stood there calmly. There was no way in Sauron's seven hells that he was going to do anything. So she put forth all her powers of evil in one last effort.

She stepped towards him – "Canst ye ever learn to loveth one so ugly as me? (Eth?)" – and Legolas remained rooted to the spot where he stood. Such creamy skin, such bright blue eyes, not to mention the hair that was the hue of Laurelin in full bloom. He leaned closer to her. . . she was so wonderful, so innocent, so exquisitely beautiful, that she was, surely –

A shuddering gasp was wrenched from the Sue.

– worthy of having his knife driven through her belly up to the hilts.

Legolas stood over the body with curiosity. Sue Marie had been surprising easy to kill, as she didn't have any substance to drive his knife through in the first place, and no blood was gushing forth. He tapped her head. Funny – it made the same sort of sound one might expect after tapping Eomer's helmet thing. He noticed that her 'bright blue eyes that reflected compassion and innocence' were faded a bit; her creamy skin looked sort of pasty and a few freckles surfaced (and pimples); and 'her hair which captured the essence of the Light that was before the Sun' was turning into mouse brown. Actually, he thought he could hear a voice, coming faint and far as if from another world, screaming 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' (rather similar to the style of Frodo after Gandalf dropped into an endless abyss on top of a Balrog). Finally the body disappeared. The rainbows disappeared, the birds stopped chirping impossible melodies (such as American Idiot and I'm a Little Teapot) and the world was set right again.

Legolas wandered off, whistling cheerfully.

"Game over."


End file.

Lord of the Rings, Humor, Parody