Sailor Moon Neon Monkey

_**Neon Monkey**_

"What is this?"

Sailor Galaxia could not believe her eyes. There she was, the galaxy's greatest heroine and villain, the golden queen. Her power was invincible, her defenses were impenetrable. No living mortal was to be able to get through into her lair.

Unfortunately, the fat dork that stood in front of her managed to do just that, Donkey Kong shirt, jeans and all.

"How...?"

"...Well," The girl scratched her head, adjusting her glasses as she shuffled her feet. "I wanted to come here because, well, I'm a big fan of yours, and, well, Sailor Moon didn't autograph my t-shirt. So..."

"But why..." At this, Galaxia stood up to her full height. "How did you _get_ here?"

"I...took a taxi to the station." The girl shuffled her feet more. "The bus was two hours late-"

"No. That's _NOT_ what I meant!" Galaxia's glare towered over the girl. "How did you get _in here_, in my throne room?"

"Oh, that." The fat girl waved it off. "The cute little cosplay girl out front let me in."

Galaxia's gold eyes slit at these words. She made a mental note to give Iron Mouse a good thrashing, if not outright kill her, after disposing of the pathetic human.

"So...you know of me."

"Yep."

"You know of my objectives."

"To take star seeds? Yep."

"You knew how to get through the electric barrier."

"Yep." The girl nodded. "I watched episode 196."

"Then tell me," Ignoring the strange e-word, Galaxia held up her wrists, revealing her glowing bracelets. "...why I shouldn't kill you and watch your disgusting, fat sack of flesh burn off your bones for trespassing?"

"Eeeeep!" The girl's eyes bigged out from beneath the glasses. "I mean, _yes_, I will!"

At this, the girl took out a picture and held it in front of her. Lowering her wrists, Sailor Galaxia stared at the photo, her power bringing it forward to her.

"That's why."

In the photo, the girl was surrounded by freakishly deformed dolls that looked like the sailor soldiers, as well ass much larger dolls that were bigger than Galaxia. Also in the photo were books, videos, plastic figurines, doll houses, and CD holders. The girl even wore an ill-fitting wig which had the hairstyle of Sailor Galaxia's blond nemesis, the soldier named Sailor Moon.

"I hate Sailor Moon." The queen simply stared at the photo as the girl talked. "I hate her beyond all my wildest passions! I used to think she was cool, but then she wouldn't sign my t-shirt for me. I mean, she was my idol! I'd worshiped her for years! Couldn't she have taken just five seconds away from fighting that rabid half-tiger phage to just write a few hiragana?" At this, the girl's face darkened. "I mean, it's _not _like the thing was going to mangle anyone else at that point! So, I want revenge!"

Galaxia looked up from the photo at this. The girl's expression was one of rage and determination, and she balled her fists together.

"I, Rina Papir, want to **_kill _**Sailor Moon!"

The look on the golden queen's face was priceless. Her eyes were simply blank, and her mouth was open, unsure of whether it should form words or keep shut. One of her eyebrows twitched up and down uncontrollably.

"...You..."

There was a very long pause after this. A very, very long pause. Meanwhile, outside, many things happened in the world. People lived, people died, children played and adults played as well, though not in the same ways as children did. The pause was so long, in fact, that an entire uncut episode of any series could have played uninterrupted by the events unfolding in the Galaxy TV building.

Finally, the queen spoke.

"...you are _insane_."

"...W...what!"

"I can't take you!" Galaxia threw the photo down and stamped on it. "How do I know you won't go off and tell Sailor Moon of my plans? You obviously know too much. I must kill you."

"But...come ON!" The girl's face fell. "I need this job. I can't work in a movie theatre forever! At the rate I'm going I'll smell like popcorn until I'm 100!"

"But-"

"I'm hard-working." The girl's eyes began to water. "I'm dependable, I'm friendly, I can keep secrets, I'm American...yeah, I'm kind of fat, but...with me, it would be like the Spanish Inquisition for your enemies!"

"I-"

"Pleeeeeeeease, your majesty! I'm begging you, hire me!" The girl went onto her hands and knees. "I'll do anything! I'll make your food! I'll do your laundry! I'll...eat onions! _Onions_, for God's sake! I _hate_ onions! **_PLEEEEEASE!_**"

At this, the girl quickly went into a bent position, and began to kowtow to the sailor. Unfortunately, her head went down so quickly that she banged it against the glass floor, cracking the tile and opening a gash in her head.

"OW!" The girl gave a howl as the blood gushed from her wound. "Aaah...pig nipples! Aaaaaaah, that hurt like a _mother_!"

It was at this oddly amusing moment that Galaxia couldn't help but somehow admire the girl for trying. Despite the fact that she was fat, ugly, smelly and human, Galaxia could only sigh at the lengths the girl was willing to go to be a part of her clandestine organization.

"...Fine." As the girl whimpered, Galaxia snapped her fingers. "Get up, you."

"R..." The girl's eyes sparkled. "Really?"

"One time." Galaxia's voice lowered. "You get one chance. If you fail you automatically die."

"Oh, of course." At this, the girl gave a salute. "I'll be the best Animamate you have."

"Yeah...sure."

At this, Galaxia held up her hand and called forth two golden bracelets, which floated towards the girl. As they came in closer, a flash of energy hit the girl, and out came her star seed, which turned black upon hitting the air. Immediately, the bracelets clamped onto the girl, and she was engulfed in white light.

"Rina Papir, Earthling. I now proclaim you..." Galaxia's voice mumble as she said the words, "...Sailor...Neon Monkey."

"Yaay!"

The golden queen frowned as the newly-christened figure emerged from the white light. The girl's new form wasn't much better than her old one. In fact, other than adding a neon orange sailor top, removing the glasses, adding animal ears, changing her hair from brown to yellow and inverting her clothing colors, there was nothing different at all.

"Yee-ha!" Leaping into the air, Neon Monkey posed in several different, goofy styles. "For love, justice, and...wait. I'm a bad guy. Heh, oops. Then...for evil, injustice and the un-American way! And, uh, turtles! And chocolate! And peanut butter! And Uma Thurman! And..."

"Good _god_, just get to the end."

"The Sailor Animamate, Neon Monkey!"

"Right right." Mumbling still, Galaxia waved her away. "Now get out of here before I regret this even more."

"_Okay_! Let's see...for...polka! And the color red-violet! And..."

Still posing, still thinking of new things to stand for, the new Animamate disappeared as quickly as she had appeared. She left the golden queen alone to cry, or at least consider crying but dismiss it as being too out of character for her. Instead, the golden queen hoped for Neon's swift demise.

---------------

"Hey mom! Mom! _Mooom!_"

Immediately after becoming Sailor Neon Monkey, and after she reappeared in Tokyo, Rina Papir knew the first thing she needed to do was to find the sailor soldiers and kill them. Before that, though, she decided to get something to eat. Before _that_, though, she then decided to call her family with the good news.

"Mooom!" Neon's voice squeaked. "Hi, mom!"

"...mmm." A groggy, irritated voice came through on the cell phone receiver. "**Rina?**"

"Hi!"

"_...Why are you calling? It's three in the morning here_"

"I'm your daughter." Neon frowned. "Why shouldn't I call you?"

"**_It's three in the morning here_**." The sentence was repeated through clenched teeth. "_What do you want?_"

"Mom!" Neon waved her free hand frantically. "Guess what! I met Sailor Gala-"

"Hey! Watch it!"

"...Sorry." Neon satopped waving her hand to let the businessman go by. "Anyways, I met Sailor Galaxia!"

"_Who?_"

"Sailor Galaxia!" Neon's cheeks flushed. "And...and I got her to make me a sailor soldier! Mom, I'm Sailor Neon Monkey! I'm going to kill the sailor senshi and become part of the Sailor Moon canon!"

There was an awkward moment of silence as Neon waited for her mother's jubilant answer. Meanwhile, cars zoomed through the nearest intersection, and passerby Japanese ignored the oddly-dressed foreigner.

"._...Rina..._" Finally, the voice came back. "_You're on drugs, aren't you?_"

"M-MOM?" Rina's eyes bugged out. "No! No, it's tru-"

"_I'll talk to you after the high wears off. Bye._"

"Moooom?"

Neon whimpered as she heard the phone click. Shoving her own phone closed, she dug her fists into her pockets and started off across the street as soon as the crossing sign turned green.

_I'll show mom._ Tears of rage formed in Neon Monkey's eyes. _I'll show the world. I'll get Sailor Moon's star seed and then I'll show mom I'm not on drugs!_

As she got halfway across the street, however, her eyes, no longer needing glasses, she noticed something coming around the corner. Being the fan she was, she all too easily recognized the two dumpling-shaped buns, the cascading blonde hair, the blue eyes. With her were four companions, all easily spotted by the new Animamate.

"Ha_ha_! I found you!" With a laugh, Neon Monkey pointed towards the group, all of them in human form, as they went down the sidewalk in front of her. "That was pretty quick! Sailor Moon, I know your identity! Now, I'm going to get revenge on you for not signing my t-shirt!"

There was no response. The girls seemed too absorbed in whatever they were talking about to even notice the wayward sailor challenging them.

"I wi...hey, get back here! Don't ignore me!" Neon Monkey stomped her foot. "Fine! I'll kick your ass anyways, you ungrateful cow! This is for all the money I spent on your merchandise! _Galactica Vivisection!_"

Bringing her hands together with a clap, Neon Monkey then brought her arms back out to her sides, then brought them back together in an abrupt scissor-like maneuver. Her bracelets glowed brightly, anticipating the attack that was capable of cutting diamond in half.

"W...What the hell?"

Five minutes passed after the words were spoken, but nothing happened. Nothing split in half; nothing even remotely looked like it was going to split in half.

"Whe...RAAAARGH!" Neon Monkey was ready to tear her hair out. "Stupid move!"

Meanwhile, in Pisa, the Leaning Tower suddenly and mysteriously snapped in half. The upper part of the tower fell to the ground, crushing tens of hundreds of luckless tourists and cows.

"It looks like I'll just have to kill you with my bare hands!" Determined not to let the girls disappear into the crowds, Neon Monkey started to walk again. "I'll put a-"

"**LOOK OUT!**"

Being so focused on her mission Neon Monkey barely had time to hear the shouts of the people on the curb before she saw what was coming towards her. Once she heard it, however, she managed to turn to the street, just in time to see the giant Mack truck two inches from her face.

"Oh no-"

**BLAM!**

Sailor Neon Monkey flew two hundred feet across the intersection, her arms flailing wildly. The impact was so powerful that she crashed through a shop window a block away, tumbled several times, and slammed head first into the nearest wall, which happened to also be a line of metal shelving.

"AAAAAUGH!" More blood gushing from her head, and her body broken in many places, Sailor Neon Monkey groaned. "Ugh, this gig _sucks_. It can't get any wor-"

Neon Monkey's words were cut off by the sound of metal going through the floor, mere millimeters from her toes. Slowly looking up, Neon Monkey could see the glimmering metal blades, dangerously leaning down from the now-bent shelves they had sat on. It was fortunate that Neon Monkey had actually managed to survive the impact into the metal shelving, as she had hit it with enough force to take off a person's head.

Unfortunately, the store she landed in was a cutlery store.

"Oh, _shit_."

--------------------

_And so, the brief and tragic odyssey of the soldier known as Sailor Neon Monkey came to an end. Her bracelets cut open by the knives, her body instantly disappeared, and she was never brought back to life. She was remembered fondly by Sailor Galaxia, who fondly put...put..._

_Oh, who are we kidding? She _sucked_! We're _glad _she wasn't brought back! Could you imagine what would have happened if she came back? She'd have hit some other random target and ruined other important monuments! Killed innocent bystanders! And the cows! _Please_, who will protect the cows from her insanity!_

_But never mind that. She is gone, and the cows are safe. Though, we wouldn't have minded her killing marmots. Or deer. _

_Oh, dear. I think I've run out of things to say._

_So then, goodbye, and remember what Minako would say (we think): neon monkeys bring nothing but sarcasm. And self-inserts._

_Thank you, and have a good night!_

_**POSTSCRIPT:** I have learned from someone who has actually been to the Tower of Pisa that there are no cows at the Tower of Pisa. Despite this slight discrepancy of information, I still feel that my initial point of importance stands. Please, PLEASE think of the cows!_

_Good night, and good luck! Godspeed! Arrive derci! Sayonara! Guten Tag! Au re-is pelted by stones_


End file.

Sailor Moon, Humor, Parody