Fullmetal Alchemist 1. Stop Calling Us Dammit!

"Sir, Edward Elric is on the phone." Brigadier General Roy Mustang looked up from his (unfortunately large) stack of paperwork, rubbing his eyes.

"Did he say why? I'm pretty busy right now."

Hawkeye shook her head, "All he said is that is was important, and he sounded pretty excited."

Mustang raised an eyebrow, "Alright, hand over the phone." Hawkeye placed the phone on his desk, Mustang picking up the receiver.

"Fullmetal, this _better_ be important. Even if you get to slack off in Resembool, _some of us_ have actual work to do."

Edward Elric's familiar tone responded in annoyance, "Y_eah, yeah, whatever. Your dumb paperwork doesn't matter, this is _**_way_**_ more important!_"

"And _what_ could possibly be more important than _peace treaties with Drachma_?"

"_Listen to this._" Elric sounded positively giddy. The shuffling of feet, a quiet whisper of '_go on, say it again!_'

A young boy's voice piped up, "_Dada_!"

After a couple seconds of phone scrambling, Edward's spoke again, "_Did you hear that? He called me dad_!_ Isn't Thomas just the greatest - only one and he's already talking - it's to be expected from a prodigy like me_ \- " Mustang had never heard Fullmetal so ecstatic, rapid firing praise of his son faster than Hawkeye's gun.

"Fullmetal." Mustang interrupted.

"_What_?"

"Did you _just call me _because **_your kid has started talking_** \- using a **_military line?!_**"

Silence. "_...Well I called your home first, but you didn't answer._"

_Click_.

Hawkeye smiled, "I'm guessing Edward is experiencing fatherhood?"

Roy buried his face in his hands, "Not again..." He mumbled.

* * *

_RING RING RING RING_

Alphonse Elric woke with a start, scrambling out from his bed to his desk. Stumbling through the darkness, he had difficulty grabbing the phone on the first try, "Alphonse Elric speaking - " _yawn_, " - Who is this?" He asked blearily.

"_Al - Al - this is super important._"

Alphonse's eyes widened, "Brother - what is it? What happened?" _Had the Homunculi come back - had Grumman's peace negotiations with Drachma failed?_

"_Hang on - I'll show you!_"

A growing nervousness gnawed at Al's stomach. _Surely brother wouldn't have called this early for no reason, he usually would remember the time difference in Xing._

Thomas Elric's childish voice spoke crackled through the line, "_Dada!_"

Al nearly dropped the phone.

"_Thomas started calling me Dad!_" Edward's tone switched to the slow, kindly voice used for small child, "_Hey Thomas, guess who's on the phone?" _A muffled '_Uncle Al!' _Could be heard in the distance, along with a cry of delight from Ed. "_Isn't this amazing! I called Mustang about it but I think the line's broken, he stopped responding after a little while - "_

_Click. _Al marched back into bed, flopping over.

"Al? Al?" Edward Elric spoke, before placing the phone back on the hook, "Huh. Everyone's phones must be broken today or something." He rubbed his chin, "What was Ling's number again?"

* * *

[AA/N: I love this headcanon and I will fight you over it. ]


	2. Casual Conversation

"And you won't _believe _how smart Sera is! Just yesterday she started asking me about alchemy, and asking for one of my books! I'll have to ask Al for a demonstration, but I'll be able to teach her all the theoretical stuff!" Edward Elric babbled on, ignoring the increasingly annoyed expression of Brigadier General Roy Mustang with each word.

Hawkeye and Winry had already resigned themselves to ignoring Ed completely, the two sharing polite conversation as Ed unabashedly continued his rant.

"'Course, I wouldn't want to ask a pyromaniac like you to do a demonstration in front them, I don't need you to corrupt my kids or anything. Still, I'm sure Sera will be brilliant alchemy as well, and Thomas has been watching Winry work on automail. I think he's interested in mechanics, maybe not _automail_ but still, Thomas and Sera - they're really great kids, aren't they? They really are."

Roy buried his hands in his face, attempting to disregard the uncomfortable sensation of glasses pressing against his face. _"Fullmetal,_ I did not come all the way to Resembool from _Central Command_ to listen to you rant about your kids for hours." Roy grumbled, peeking from behind his gloves.

Ed rolled his eyes, "Whatever, it's not like _you_ have anything interesting to talk about."

"I'm sorry, is the state of your country not interesting enough for you?"

"Ishval and Xing are fine, but when you talk about anything makes it about as interesting as watching paint dry. General Miles and Ling are way better at telling me what's happening."

"Do you always have to be stubborn, Fullmetal? 14 years later and you're _still _just as stubborn as you were when you were _twelve_."

"Only for you, _**Colonel** Bastard_."

"It's _General_!"

Ed feigned surprise, "Sorry, I hadn't noticed, _General _Bastard."

Roy raised an eyebrow, "Do you talk to your kids with that mouth?"

"Speaking of which, Colonel - "

"_**General**_ \- "

"Whatever, did I tell you about what Thomas did a few weeks ago?" A spark of pride had reignited in Ed's eyes at the mention of his kids (_one far too familiar for Roy's liking.)_ He reached for his wallet, pulling out a photo. A little boy with bright golden hair and green eyes was flipping through a large volume on trains, and from the grainy photo Roy could make out a complicated diagram detailing the engine.

"Isn't it great?! He didn't really understand it, but Winry managed to explain things to him! Do you want to see more photos? I have a bunch of Sera and Thomas together - "

"Dammit Hughes, I _don't_ want to see more photos." Roy said, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance before realization struck.

Ed looked up from his photos, eyes widening in surprise.

The two shared a moment of stiff, uncomfortable silence.

Roy squeezed his eyes shut.

"_Just_..." Roy sighed, his voice cracking, "Just show me the photos, Fullmetal."

* * *

_[ AA/N: :) ]_


End file.

Fullmetal Alchemist, Family, Humor