JAG 1. Waking Up

Love and Troubles  
  
Author: hermiine (hermiine85@yahoo.com)  
  
Summery: Continuation of Truths and Consequences. The JAG-family tries to return to normality, but that won't be easy when there are so many things that have changed.  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Spoilers: Anything is really fair game, but I'd ad a special spoiler warning for the episodes of season 9.  
  
Disclaimer: JAG is still not mine and my birthday isn't coming up so I'm guessing it will stay that way for a while.  
  
Author's Notes: I'd like to thank Cria and TZ for beta reading. I'm very grateful for your effort. Any comments, suggestions, corrections or questions are welcome. Just send me an e-mail and I'll see what I can do.  
  
A not-as-short-as-I-planned-it-to-be summary of Truths and Consequences: Mac got pregnant with Sturgis child after a one-night-stand. They decided to race the child together, but not as a couple. At this point Harm was ready to move the relationship with Mac forward, but when he found out about her pregnancy a rift between them. Mac was forced to finish Singer's deployment at the Seahawk. During Harm and Mac's time apart they both came to some realizations and starting on Christmas Eve they rebuilt their friendship. By Valentines Day, Harm was ready to ask Mac out again and this time the result was better. They continued their new and more mature relationship, up until Lindsey made an audit of JAG HQ and their relationship became public. Mac wasn't able to ignore the gossip about them and grow insecurities about their relationship, which in the end drew her to break up with Harm. Harm didn't want to give up so easily, but before he had a chance to act Singer was found murdered and he had to focus on defending himself against the charges of her murder. Mac took the news of Harm's charges badly and went into premature labor. At the hospital they were able to postpone the birth for a while, but some days later little Elena was born. The new parents happiness was destroyed when a terrorist kidnapped their baby. The same day Harm was released since the real murderer, Commander Lindsey, had been found. Clayton Webb had previously been working on a operation to catch Elena's kidnapper's brother and now he and Mac went under-cover trying to find her somewhere in Paraguay. There they were captured by the terrorists, but also found Elena by them. Harm sensed that Mac was in danger and went down to Paraguay trying to find her. Harm together with Gunny were able to get Mac, Webb and Elena out of the terrorist's compound. Gunny went to take Webb, who had been tortured, and Elena to the hospital, whereas Mac and Harm were going to take care of the Stinger-missiles. We left off right after Mac and Harm had destroyed the missiles and were soon to crash into a tree.  
  
Part 1: Waking Up  
  
May 24th 2003  
  
Harm was slowly waking up from his unconscious state. Whatever had happened, his head was suffering extremely from it. He discovered that he was sitting in an airplane. The memories slowly came back to him. The travel to Paraguay, the rescue at the compound and the short flight with the airplane. Mac should be with him. He started to look around to find her.  
  
"Hey Sleepyhead, you're awake?" Mac came up from behind the plane.  
  
"I thought you weren't here anymore," he looked at her, but she was really blurry to him and he couldn't see if she was hurt as well.  
  
"I went to see if there was anyway for us to get out of here. I wasn't far away. Are you OK?" She walked up to help him out of the plane. When he refused her help, she didn't back away and just held his hand more firmly.  
  
"I think if we're going to get out of this, we'll have to work together," she said and Harm was finally out of the plane. "How are you feeling?"  
  
"I must have bumped my head against something."  
  
"It was a pretty mean crash, wasn't it?"  
  
"It wasn't a crash. It was a hard landing," he smiled at her.  
  
"That makes me feel so much better," she smiled back at him and linked her arms under his to support him. "Come on, let's go back to Ciudad del Este and see if we can find Elena and the guys."  
  
Harm would never have admitted it, but it was good to have her there as support since he was still quite dizzy. Mac had found a small road and hoped her sense of direction was right because Harm's couldn't be trusted at the moment. Hopefully the road would lead in the direction of Ciudad del Este, where they would hopefully find Elena.  
  
"So what's the dispassionate plan?" Harm asked when they had walked for a while.  
  
"I think that's your assignment on this trip."  
  
"OK," Harm said. They kept on walking in silence. Harm felt how he was getting weaker, but he didn't say anything to Mac about it. She noticed it anyway since he was walking slower.  
  
"You want to sit down and rest for a while?" Mac asked, but Harm just looked at her. "I guess not." They both looked forward again and now spotted a farm.  
  
"Shall we take our chances?"  
  
"Yeah," Mac agreed.  
  
"Same procedure as last time?"  
  
Mac didn't answer and just put her hand to her back and started to wobble a bit. 30 minutes later they were at the farm and fifteen minutes after that they were driving away in an old blue truck.  
  
"Maybe you should bring that pregnancy suit on all of our missions. It seems to come in handy," Harm commented to her.  
  
"A roll of money is mostly easier to carry with you, don't you think?"  
  
Harm just nodded and they fell back to silence.  
  
The evening was growing darker. Mac was driving; it wasn't very smart for a dizzy person like Harm to be driving, was it?  
  
"Are you feeling any better?" Mac asked as Harm came back from being dozed off for a while.  
  
"How I'm feeling isn't really our biggest problem right now," he answered her.  
  
"I guess not. I just need to worry about something I can if not control at least see and check on."  
  
"Mac, I'm sure she's fine. Maybe they're already at the hospital."  
  
"Let's hope so," she was still deep in thought.  
  
"So, what do we do now?" he asked her.  
  
"Well, do you know anyone in the CIA except for my husband?"  
  
"As a matter of fact I do. My wife," he took up his phone only to see that it was out of range. Mac wondered who and what he could possibly mean by 'his wife', but Harm didn't surrender any explanations and she didn't ask.  
  
"We can check in with the office in Ciudad del Este. Maybe they've heard from Webb."  
  
TBC 


	2. Back at the Hotel

Part 2: Back at the Hotel  
  
May 25th 2003  
  
The CIA-office was totally abandoned when Harm and Mac finally got there. They had gone on to look up Mac and Webb's old hotel room. There they had rested for a while after driving the whole night through. Later Hardy, the local CIA-boss, had showed up at the hotel. He had tried to convince them to help with Sadiq, but they had strongly refused since they wanted to find Elena first. If Hardy could actually understand that was hard to tell. He seemed to think it was their duty to finish the mission rather than getting Elena safe home.  
  
Mac and Harm had driven around the town and looked at the hospitals, but there had been no sight of either Gunny, Webb or Elena. They had returned to the hotel room hoping they would be luckier in their search tomorrow. It was hard to tell exactly how long it would take for them to drive from Sadiq's compound to the city, so maybe they were still on their way.  
  
They were lying on top of the bed if not to sleep to at least get some rest.  
  
"She will be fine, Mac," Harm said.  
  
"She has to be," Mac said. Her features were tense. During the drive she had been able to joke and tease with him, but now the dread was growing stronger again.  
  
"I'm sure she's a survivor just like her mom," Harm continued hoping he would be able to comfort her a little. He put his hand on hers and began to slowly stroke it. Mac turned her head towards him.  
  
"Thank you, Harm. Thank you," she whispered.  
  
There was some sound at the door and in a second Harm and Mac rose from the They saw the group of three that they had so anxiously wanted to find enter the room. Mac ran up and relieved Gunny of the burden of her daughter.  
  
"Thank god,"she said and started to rock her baby girl who had been a bit uneased by being separated from Gunny. "How did you get in?"  
  
"The doorman remembered me. He said my wife was up here two-timing me with another man and I think he might be suspecting that that has happened before," he motioned towards Elena.  
  
"That rat," she smiled and looked at Harm. Once again she seemed relaxed and at ease.  
  
Gunny helped Webb settle down in a chair and then went over to sit down on the couch beside Mac.  
  
"I told you, you should have tipped him better," Harm said to Mac and gave Webb a drink.  
  
"Did you get to a hospital? Did they release you just like that?" Mac wanted to put the jokes aside and get control of the situation.  
  
"They started to get suspicious that Elena wasn't Gunny's daughter, as we had told them, so we had to leave. The doctor did examine her first and he says she just needs more and better nutrition, which we've got for her here," Webb said and showed the bag he had been holding in his hand.  
  
"There are no words for how grateful I am, but thank you. Both of you," Mac said gratefully turning around so she faced both of them.  
  
"Any word on Sadiq?" Gunny asked. He was back to business.  
  
"Not yet. We did take care of those stinger missiles though," Harm said.  
  
"There may be a lead," Mac continued but was interrupted by Webb.  
  
"I need to know everything."  
  
"Then I'll start by telling you that I'm leaving as soon as possible," Mac said "You can stay here and finish this if you want to, but I need to take my daughter home." None of the men could really disagree with that.  
  
"How about you, Rabb?" Webb asked.  
  
"I'm leaving with Mac," he stated. There was nothing for him to finish here. He had found what he went after and just wanted them safe at home again sooner rather than later.  
  
"I'm thinking you came here looking for Mac. How did you get the admiral's permission?" Clay asked.  
  
"I resigned my commission," Harm mumbled. This was not how he had planned to tell Mac.  
  
"Are you insane? Why didn't you tell me?" Mac raised her voice a bit.  
  
"There was no time," Harm answered a bit defensively.  
  
"You found the time to tell Webb," Mac accused him. The argument was getting more heated.  
  
"Mac, it's really not a big deal."  
  
"Harm, this job is your life. It's all you've got."  
  
"Mac," Harm started to protest.  
  
"Gunny, I think we better leave these two alone," Webb got up to walk over to the bedroom, but he stumbled and had to be dragged over there by Gunny and Harm. Mac was holding Elena and waited until Harm was finished with Webb and they could go and try to get another room in the hotel.  
  
Finally they were settled in in the new room. The hotel staff had gotten a baby bed out for Elena, who was now sleeping comfortably and safe in her mother's presence. Mac was constantly getting up from the bed and going over to check on her.  
  
Mac was still a bit upset with Harm. Exactly why she couldn't say. All the tension she had had in her body and mind was slowly letting go. She had been forced to deny her worries and feelings for so long and now they were overwhelming her and she would take them out on the closest person. She was too afraid to talk to Harm and destroy yet more of their friendship.  
  
Mac started to get up once more, but this time Harm stopped her by putting his arm around her and pulling her close.  
  
"Mac, she's doing fine. You'll wake her up if you continue to do that," he whispered in her ear and at the same time he pulled her closer so his whole body was pressed against hers. Mac started to sob without a sound.  
  
"It's OK for you to cry, Mac. You held it together for as long as you needed and everyone in this room loves you and won't judge you for crying. I'm so proud of you," he held on as tightly as he could and felt how the sobs became stronger, but there still wasn't a single sound coming out of her mouth.  
  
"Don't blame yourself for what happened. We can get through this somehow. We have to. Maybe we need to talk about this thing with us and about everything that happened before, but let's table that conversation until we're back home," he continued to sooth her. Now she was crying her heart out. No more words were exchanged throughout the night, but when the morning came the crying had stopped and they just lay sleeping very close together. The best of friends, together they would survive.  
  
TBC 


	3. The TaxiStand

Part 3: The Taxi-Stand  
  
May 26th 2003  
  
Elena's crying woke Mac up and she got up to feed her. She returned to the bed and sat down beside Harm who was now also awake. He looked at the scene in front of him and was quite convinced it was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen. Mac's eyes were focused on the baby in her arms and when the girl had been burped, she met Harm's eyes.  
  
"I don't think you two were ever properly introduced. Harm, this is Elena Mackenzie Turner. Elena, this is Harmon Rabb," as she said that, Harm touched the tiny Elena's hand with his thumb. "You want to hold her?" Mac asked and Harm just nodded in response.  
  
"She's so little and tiny," he said totally amazed by the feeling of her.  
  
"She has still grown a little since she was born."  
  
"I'm sorry I wasn't there," Harm said regretfully.  
  
"It wasn't your fault. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but I guess there wasn't anything we could do about it then. Most of all I'm sorry we... I left things like I did before all of that happened. If we hadn't been in that place we would at least have felt the support even if it wasn't physically there," Mac felt like she had so much to apologize for and to start there was as good as any other place. Harm couldn't disagree with her, but he also didn't want her to be burdened with guilt from that.  
  
"You didn't know what was going to happen. You did what you felt you had to do, I think," he made a pause "Can we table this conversation for later?" Even though they had now had the chance to sleep and Mac had found some release for all the tension built up in her, he still felt this was a conversation that it was safer to wait with until they got back home.  
  
"Yeah, sure," she nodded. She had no idea how she was going to explain her strange behavior because the reasons she had had then didn't make any sense to her anymore.  
  
"So I guess the plan for today is to have breakfast and then head over to the airport and try to catch the next plane home."  
  
"Yeah," Mac nodded.  
  
They met up with Gunny and Webb at a café outside the hotel. They were also going to leave today and some other agents were coming down to finish the operation. After breakfast they returned to the hotel packed up their things. As they were standing outside the hotel waiting for a taxi Mac approached the subject of their conversation again.  
  
"You remember that chat we were going to have... about us?" Mac asked and Harm just looked her in the eyes until she continued. "There's one problem with how we've been trying to approach it in the past."  
  
"Just one."  
  
"No matter what comes out of that chat, there will always be an us. There always was and always will be. One way or another," Mac stated and Harm was so happy to once again hear hopefulness about their relationship coming out of her mouth.  
  
TBC 


	4. Unemployed

AN: I'm so grateful for all of the reviews. Thanks a lot!  
  
Part 4: Unemployed  
  
May 27th 2003  
  
The next morning Mac and Harm walked into the office together. They had spent the night in the hospital with Elena. Harm had come in to the office to see if they could some how forget about his resignation so he could resume his duty and Mac needed to ask for additional leave time since Elena wouldn't be allowed to go to daycare yet for a while because of the risk of infections.  
  
They came to attention in front of the admiral and he told them to stand at ease.  
  
"I'm sorry, Commander, but you've been a civilian for the last 72 hours," he told Harm truly apologetic.  
  
"But sir, he saved my life. He saved my daughter's life," Mac couldn't believe that Harm wasn't let back in and the tone of her voice was closing in on the limit of what was OK for a subordinate.  
  
"I understand that it might be hard for you to believe, but even two-star admirals have superiors who tell them what to do," the admiral answered back harshly now looking at Mac. Even though Lindsey's audit had been rebutted and through Singer's murder been given even less credibility, Admiral Chegwidden had lost some of his abilities to make creative 'assignments' for his staff. That was what had forced him to not let Harm go look for Mac and make the paper work for his resignation go through. That's what he explained in a little softer tone to the two officers, as two officers was the only way he could think about the two of them, standing in front of him. Eventually he dismissed them and Harm followed Mac into her office and closed the door behind them.  
  
Mac had gone to her office room to look at the papers that had gathered there during her time away and check her messages. Sturgis had cleaned it up and taken all the cases that needed to be reassigned to the admiral when she had been admitted to the Hospital exactly one month ago but in her absence some reports and files had somehow ended up on her desk.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Harm. I was so sure he'd take you back," Mac glanced over her desk and sunk into her chair. She closed her eyes trying to shut everything out.  
  
"Well, it seems like it wasn't really up to him," Harm said. He was just as shocked about it as Mac was. He sat down in one of the visitors' chairs.  
  
"I don't know if I can continue to do this?"  
  
"Do what?" Harm was confused about what she meant.  
  
"Go to work here for them... without you. Maybe I should just resign too."  
  
"Mac, I don't want you to do that."  
  
"Why not? You did it for me, I can do it for you," Mac wanted so desperately to show her loyalty. She wanted him to know how much he meant to her.  
  
"I did that to save your life. My life isn't in danger here and you don't have to do that to show your loyalty to me. Honestly Mac, you belong here and you should stay," he had understood what she had tried to do, but that wasn't necessary.  
  
"But it will be better for me too. I can find a job with less travels and better hours, that will work better for me and Elena."  
  
"If you resign for that reason, I won't stop you, but I don't want you to do it for me, please. Don't put that on top of our relationship too. Why don't you take the rest of your maternity leave and think about it and if you still want to quit then, you can do it after you've thought it through and not now in the heat of the moment."  
  
"I'll wait, but I'm still not sure I'll want to come back here," Mac was insecure about the whole thing. She had thought that when she came home from Paraguay with Elena everything would go back to normal again and they would all be able to go on with their lives.  
  
"So what are you going to do now?" she asked Harm.  
  
"I don't know. I'll find a job, you don't need to worry about that, Mac," he said "One thing I want you to know for sure and that is that I don't regret going after you. I never will."  
  
TBC 


	5. The New Job

Part 5: The New Job  
  
May 28th 2003  
  
Mac was sitting in Elena's hospital room watching her daughter sleep  
  
"Hey Mac. How is she?" Harm said as he walked into the room.  
  
"Good," Mac said "We get to take her home today. Sturgis is coming to pick us up later. He had to go back to work..." Mac was rambling and unable to look up at Harm.  
  
"Well that's great that you can take her home," Harm said enthusiastically "You don't look very happy though," he added when he sat down beside her and looked into her eyes.  
  
Mac swallowed, but before she could tell him what was wrong he understood.  
  
"You heard about my new job."  
  
"Yeah, I went down to see Webb and you know... I overheard you telling him."  
  
"I meant to tell you first. I came looking for you, but you weren't here."  
  
"Oh that's OK..." Mac said and took a deep breath "So when do you leave?"  
  
"Early tomorrow morning I leave for six weeks of training. Are you OK with this?"  
  
"You don't need to ask for my consent."  
  
"But I am so can't you answer me?" Harm said. This was just like one of their conversations from a few years back when they were just asking questions and not answering. After Christmas they had developed a new way of talking straight to each other without fighting.  
  
"You have my consent Harm. I'll be all right... eventually, but why... why the CIA?"  
  
She had answered and they weren't fighting yet so maybe there was still some hope to get back to that place they had been before. At the same time that he didn't want to leave her, he also thought it might be good for them with some time apart to think and maybe she understood that too.  
  
"Even if I can't be in the Navy I still want to serve my country and I get to..." he wasn't sure exactly how much he should tell her about his new job.  
  
"You get to fly," Mac finished his sentence.  
  
"Maybe this will be good for us. When I get back we've had time to think and we can finally have that talk."  
  
"I'll still be here when you get back." Mac had slowly turned her head and was now looking into his eyes.  
  
"Good, because I'll hold you to that..." he smiled. He was glad they could have this discussion so calmly.  
  
"After Elena was kidnapped they offered me to talk to a crisis counselor. At the time I of course said I didn't want to, but I needed to. I went to talk to her, that's why I wasn't here when you came by before," Mac was now looking out the window seeing the birds flying to their nests with food for their children. She was lost in thought, but went back to look at Harm when he talked to her again.  
  
"Does it help?" he asked. He was glad she was dealing with this, because otherwise they would both have to live with the fear that it would come back and hunt her again. She was brave, asking for help and excepting help.  
  
"More than I thought it would, but there's still a long way to go. I'm going to see her regularly though and I think there's hope I'll beat those demons," she half-smiled at him.  
  
"I'm glad you're doing that."  
  
"I know..." Mac thought to herself that it would have helped to have him beside her and fighting those demons together. But now they had to deal with the situation they had. Maybe Harm was right and some time apart would help them.  
  
TBC 


	6. To Deal With Your Feelings Can Be Hard

Part 6: To Deal With Your Feelings Can Be Hard  
  
June 24th 2003  
  
Sturgis had headed straight over to Mac's apartment after he got off from work just like he did every evening he was in town. He had just fed his daughter the bottle and was now getting her ready for bed. Whenever he saw Elena his thoughts went back to that evening when Mac had called from the airport telling him to come and meet both of them at the hospital. He had really given up all hope that Elena would be found alive, so now everything was overturned and chaos replaced the feelings he had had. He couldn't understand why he had given up all hope like that. He was a religious man and should have had more faith. The feeling that he had betrayed Elena wouldn't go away. Mac had believed they could get her back and had gone after her. If she hadn't... If she had been like him Elena might still be in Paraguay or worse...  
  
Mac was standing in the kitchen finishing up supper for both Sturgis and her. The last couple of weeks since Harm had been gone she had cooked dinner for both of them and Sturgis had eaten at her place. Life at JAG was from what she heard hectic with both her and Harm gone and making two portions of dinner instead of one wasn't adding any work for her, but ensuring that Sturgis could spend some more time with their daughter.  
  
Most nights Sturgis would return to his own apartment after Elena fell asleep and work on the cases he had been forced to bring home. During the weekends though he would stay in the former guestroom and be on night duty. Which was both a relief for Mac and something Sturgis wanted take part in.  
  
"Dinner's ready," Mac whispered into Elena's room. She went over and looked down at her sleeping daughter. "Everything went OK, right?" After the first week at home Mac had understood that things were going to run much more smoothly if she didn't watch Sturgis handling their daughter. He had his way of doing things and just because it wasn't her way, didn't make them worse. She just couldn't watch without commenting on it, so she had decided to simply let him do his thing away from her.  
  
"She is so beautiful... She has your eyes..." Sturgis said and Mac couldn't help agreeing with him.  
  
They went out from the light purple guestroom, sat down at the table and started to serve themselves from the food.  
  
"How are things at the office?" Mac asked tentatively.  
  
"Good," Sturgis said shortly.  
  
"I talked to Bud today," Mac said. The truth was both Bud and Harriet had expressed concern about Sturgis behavior lately, but so far Mac had told them to just give Sturgis some time to deal with it all and he would be back to normal. It had been a month now and Sturgis was still being quite strange. He snapped at people and acted like nothing had happened.  
  
"If he has a problem with me, he should talk to me himself," Sturgis knew where this conversation was going.  
  
"He's worried about you, you know," Mac continued when Sturgis didn't say anything more. "And so am I. Have you talked to anyone about what happened? About Elena's kidnapping? I know you haven't talked to me or Bud or anyone at JAG."  
  
"Since when are you an expert on dealing with problems," he said defensively "You're the one who's seeing a shrink."  
  
Mac was quite surprised by his loud and angry voice. This wasn't like Sturgis at all. Even though she knew he had been pretty unfriendly at work, he had always been able to control himself around Elena. Bud had said that the only time he seemed happy was right before the end of the day when he was going to see Elena.  
  
"I am seeing a shrink to deal with it," Mac answered him calmly. If he wanted to fight it was going to be one-sided.  
  
"You know nothing about me. I'm doing fine just the way I am. I come here every night after work. I take care of my daughter as much as I possibly can. What else do you want me to do?" He was now screaming and had gotten up from the table ready to leave the apartment. Mac didn't say anything, but just remained seated. Her lack of response and her calm seemed to make him even more upset, but before he rushed out of the apartment Elena started to cry with full force and Sturgis froze, not being able to move or say anything. Mac got up and went over to the nursery to collect her.  
  
"Sh, sh, baby girl. Nothing's going to happen. Everything is fine." She tried to sooth her back to sleep. Sturgis was still standing in the living room by the door.  
  
"I'm sorry Mac. I better leave," he said with a tormented expression. He didn't know what had made him so angry he had screamed at Mac like that without a thought of his daughter who was sleeping in the next room.  
  
"Sturgis, stay. We aren't finished talking," Mac said sternly and Sturgis didn't dare anything but obeying. Elena was now crying a bit calmer and soon she'd be ready to go back to sleep. Mac motioned for him to sit down on the couch and went back with Elena to her bed and then returned to Sturgis.  
  
"I didn't mean to wake her up. I don't know what got into me..."  
  
"I know you didn't mean to do that, but that doesn't mean that you can't do anything about it. If you keep all of this bottled up inside you'll end up hurting her too. I don't know how I would act if I wasn't talking to Jane about all of this," Mac said and took his hand in hers. "I care for you and don't want to see you hurt."  
  
"I... I," Sturgis didn't know how to explain how he felt to her.  
  
"Are you talking to your father?"  
  
"Not really," Sturgis was afraid of talking to his father and admitting how little faith he had had in God and how little faith he now had.  
  
"Well maybe you should. He'll be there at the baptizing, you could use the opportunity."  
  
"I don't know what to say. It's all so complicated," Sturgis said, but he was slowly coming to terms with the thought of talking to someone.  
  
"It won't get better until you've been down that road. Regardless how hard it is I promise you, you'll feel better afterwards. I know I do."  
  
"I can't make any promises, but I'll try, OK? I appreciate your support though," Sturgis said and Mac squeezed his hand one more time before she let go and they went back to the table to finish their meal. Sturgis left early that night to go home to his own apartment to think.  
  
TBC 


	7. Preparations For

Part 7: Preparations For...  
  
July 11th 2003  
  
There was a knock on the door and Mac got up to open up. It was still pretty early in afternoon and Elena was sleeping so Mac was using the time to catch up on some laundry. Since Harm had left they had only been in contact twice. CIA was holding on to their secrecy during training. The calls had been short, but precious to both of them.  
  
The door opened in front of Harm and the two people just stood there looking at each other for a few seconds. Then at the absolute same time they reached out and they were in each other's arms.  
  
"I missed you," Harm said when they had stood silent like that for a small eternity.  
  
"Missed you too."  
  
"I'm sorry it's been so long."  
  
"I know. How are you? Are you doing well?" Mac took a step back and took a good look at him. He looked tired, but all in all he looked fine.  
  
"I'm fine Mac. How's Elena?"  
  
"She's doing wonderful. I'm going back to work on Monday, since the doctors have cleared her ready for daycare. I'll have a light schedule without travels at first."  
  
"That's great. You know I'm glad you decided not to resign."  
  
"So am I. It won't be the same without you though..."  
  
They kept on talking about what had happened in DC, since he'd been gone, but didn't really touch any of the hard topics, the ones they needed to talk about undisturbed. Eventually Elena woke up and they went for a walk in the near by park. Shortly after they returned there was a key in the lock. Harm looked questioning at Mac.  
  
"It's just Sturgis. He uses his key in case Elena is sleeping."  
  
"I guess I'd better go now then."  
  
"I was hoping Sturgis would stay here with Elena and we could go somewhere to talk. That chat has already been postponed so many times and..." Mac said, not sure if he was ready to do it now.  
  
"Ask Sturgis and we'll see."  
  
"Hello Mac. Hello Elena-Darling," he said when he saw Mac coming out of the kitchen holding Elena. Sturgis took over holding her and then discovered Harm. "Harm I didn't know you were back in town."  
  
There had been an obvious change in Sturgis' behavior since he had talked to his father. Despite the snapping he hadn't really been angry with the people around him. Most of all he had been angry with himself for giving up on Elena when she was gone. Mac hadn't, she had gone after her, whereas he had just sat around feeling sorry for himself. He had taken the anger out on the people around him. His faith in God had also failed him during the time Elena was gone and that had made it hard for him to seek comfort there afterwards. At least with the help from his father he was on the right track now. Yesterday he had gone out to lunch with Harriet and Bud to apologize. They hadn't resented him for his previous behavior, they had just been happy to have their friend back.  
  
"I just got back today," Harm answered and looked at Mac. He excused himself saying he needed to go to the bathroom.  
  
"Would you mind staying here with Elena? Harm and I need to talk... undisturbed," Mac asked Sturgis once Harm was gone. "If you can't today I understand. It's kind of last minute."  
  
"No it's OK. It's Friday so I was kind of planning on staying here anyway. Don't worry about it, Mac," he was actually glad he'd get to spend the evening alone with his daughter.  
  
"Call my cell phone if there's a problem," Mac asked him. The only times she left Elena was when she went to her counseling sessions and those times she always knew exactly how long she was going to be away. She didn't worry because she thought that Sturgis couldn't look after her properly. It simply felt so much better when she could see for herself all the time that she was OK.  
  
"I thought the idea was that you were going to be undisturbed," Sturgis said pointedly, but then added "I promise I'll call, but you don't have to worry. We will be just fine."  
  
Harm emerged from the bathroom and Mac and he left together.  
  
"I'm driving the Corvette today, in case you want to drive it. I mean I'm sure the Volvo is nice and all, but..."  
  
"I'd love to, Harm, if it's OK with you," Mac answered. They were both getting more and more nervous about the Talk they were now really going to have.  
  
"Are we going to my place or would you prefer somewhere more neutral?" Harm asked.  
  
"I don't know. I don't think it matters so much to me where we have it."  
  
"Well then let's go to my place."  
  
They continued the drive in silence. It was like they were both preparing for what was going to come and all other discussions felt meaningless and superficial.  
  
TBC  
  
AN: So is anyone looking forward to the next part? 


	8. The Little Chat

AN: Since you asked for it...  
  
Part 8: ...The Little Chat  
  
"So," Harm started when they entered his apartment.  
  
"So," Mac said. She had thought she had prepared herself for this talk, but now she couldn't find anywhere to start. She looked around the apartment. Just inside the door there were some suitcases and the apartment looked unusually dusty to be Harm's.  
  
"Sit down," he suggested and motioned for the couch. "Do you want something to drink? There aren't a lot of choices though."  
  
"A glass of water would be fine, thank you," Mac answered. Harm came over to the couch with two glasses of water and put them on the coffee table. Mac reached for the glass and started holding it and fingering on it a bit until she put it down again. She turned to Harm, looked him in the eyes and took his hand in hers.  
  
"I want to apologize for how I treated you after we went public with our relationship. I can't excuse it, but I want to explain it to you if you want to listen," Mac started.  
  
"That's what we're here for. To listen and to be listened to," Harm said and Mac nodded saying she was going to listen to him as well.  
  
"Do you remember what I was like when I first came to JAG?" Mac asked, but it was more of a rhetorical question. "When I was sobering up I learned to decide what I was going to feel. I decided that I wanted to be a Marine and stay sober, simply because that was the only way I was going to survive. I never dealt with the emotions that I was trying to suppress with alcohol, I just found new ways to suppress them," Mac made a pause. The therapy had helped her realize a lot of things about herself. She still needed to work a lot on it, but she now definitely saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes accepting that you can't do everything alone is all you need, to be able to do it.  
  
"When I met you that was thrown away. I didn't even want to like you, but I fell in love with you so fast and on top of that you became my best friend. I never trusted anyone as much as I trusted you. It was when you left to fly that I really realized how far I was from what I had planned, how much I had changed. I didn't think you felt the same way for me, so I tried to shut you out and go back, but I couldn't go back from loving you. So in Sydney I guess I decided to go for it and... I felt so rejected."  
  
"I wasn't rejecting you. I didn't know what you meant, what you wanted on that ferry," Harm interrupted her.  
  
"I know that now, but back then I only heard no, not 'not yet'," Mac tried to explain "It took a lot of courage to ask you and when you didn't say yes immediately I got so scared of what would happen to us. I used Mic. Not to get you jealous, but I thought that way we wouldn't have to deal with that night and even if I didn't love him at the time I told myself I could make myself love him and be happy. And the sad thing is that it worked. Most of the time at least. Sometimes I was really happy with him and then other times I just felt how wrong it was. Maybe you don't want to hear about Mic. It's just... You asked me once why I went to him so fast and I wanted to give you an honest answer."  
  
"I'm glad you've figured these things out and they make a lot of sense, but I still don't understand why you broke up with me in April," Harm said. They were still sitting across from each other keeping contact through their hands.  
  
Mac didn't answer him for a long while.  
  
"I was so sure that you'd eventually see through me," she started off really slowly like she was considering every word carefully "You'd see who I really was and not like what you saw, I mean I didn't like what I was seeing in myself either, and then you'd break up with me yourself. If I got more involved with you it would hurt more. I was trying to protect myself. Maybe it was selfish, but I wouldn't leave it up to someone else to protect me."  
  
"When I look at you I see something I like and want," Harm said calmly.  
  
"I'm learning to do that myself too. I was always trying to be self confident and at work that succeeded, but my private life hasn't been the way I wanted and planned it to be. Life is just so scary."  
  
"I know that feeling... Maybe I should have pushed harder to find out why you were acting the way you were," Harm said self critically.  
  
"I don't think it would have helped. Not in the long run at least. You see, I had to learn to like myself for me and not because someone else does it, otherwise... otherwise we would just have ended up like that somewhere later down the line," she made a pause and then continued to clarify "What I'm saying is that the audit and peoples reactions to our relationship were just the catalysts for something that would have happened anyway."  
  
"So let's hope it's for once dealt with, because you see, you can only bounce back so many times. It was awful not knowing exactly why you were hurting. I was really hurting, because I thought we had promised each other to tell the other what bothered us. I thought we'd go through everything together. How do we know this won't happen again?"  
  
"The truth is we don't," Mac answered honestly "When I made that promise I did intend to keep it. I don't expect you to understand why I pushed you away, because to be honest the reasons don't make sense to me either anymore."  
  
They sat in silence for some minutes and then Mac started talking again.  
  
"Harm, will you give me another chance?"  
  
Harm didn't answer her in words. He just leaned over and placed a swift kiss on her lips. They broke the kiss and smiled at each other. Their faces were just inches apart. Harm leaned in for a new kiss. It lasted longer this time. Mac didn't need a verbal answer to understand what he wanted.  
  
TBC 


	9. Not Done Yet

Part 9: Not Done Yet  
  
July 12th 2003  
  
The morning after their talk Harm showed up at Mac's apartment with breakfast. Harm had driven Mac back last night and promised to come back the next day. Sturgis was still there so all three of them had breakfast together. They talked and laughed, simply enjoyed a good time together. It wasn't like it had been a year ago, it probably would never be just like back then, but it also wasn't awkward or felt strange in any way. There was no pressure in enjoying a good time together. Eventually Sturgis had to go home and work, so Harm and Mac were left alone with Elena.  
  
"We could call Bud and Harriet. I know they would love to see you," Mac suggested as they were talking about what they were going to do that day.  
  
Harm didn't answer right away and that made Mac wonder what was wrong. Bud and Harriet were their friends and Bud had very much stood by him during his trial. Why wouldn't he be thrilled to see them?  
  
"I don't know... I thought we could spend the day together, maybe go to the park again and talk some more. I still have some things I want to talk to you about."  
  
Mac wasn't going to refuse to talk more about their relationship with him if he still had something to say. She had done most of the talking the night before, so she could see why he still had something to say. However she didn't think that was the only reason for him to be reluctant to see Harriet and Bud. Maybe the talk would clear those questions.  
  
Mac, with some help from Harm, got Elena dressed to go out to the park and they went for quite a long walk. Mac was starting to get back in shape again, but her strength was still somewhat suffering from not being able to work out as much as she would have liked to.  
  
After the walk they went to a café close to the park, where she knew from experience that they didn't mind babies and would help to get a bottle ready for Elena.  
  
"You said you still had things to say to me," Mac said. She started to feed Elena the bottle at the same time as she was trying to drink her cappuccino. Harm had yet to bring up whatever he wanted to talk to her about and she thought she could give him some help. She didn't want to push though, so she had to tread lightly.  
  
"I did," he said, but it took a while until he continued. "I want you to know why I said 'not yet' there at the ferry. I said yesterday that it was because I didn't know what you meant and that is true. Not that I thought you were talking about one night, but I wasn't sure how serious you were and I was to cowardly to ask or tell you myself how serious I wanted to be. On top of that I didn't know if I was capable to be as serious as I wanted to be... Everything was a mess and I let my fears control my life."  
  
"Despite our age, I don't think either one of us was mature enough for a relationship at the time. I'm just glad we finally got it right."  
  
"So am I. I've been wondering why it took us so long after Mic and Renée were out of our lives to have it. We talked about going back to the beginning and having that chat, but we didn't go back and we didn't have that chat for over a year," Harm said. Mac knew he wanted to give his thoughts on it so she didn't say anything.  
  
"When Mic left and you came to my apartment, we were going to talk, but Renée's father... Well you know the story. Do you understand why I went with her?"  
  
"I do and I did. If you had pushed her out you wouldn't have been the man you are. Of course you had to support her. I guess that was just it. I realized how little right I had to ask for your help. You owed that to Renée. I didn't go to the Guadalcanal because I was angry with you. I went there to get away from everything. I fled from you, from my life... and from me," Mac said. She truly had never resented him for supporting Renée. It was the whole situation they had gotten themselves into she had resented.  
  
"I always thought you could understand that, I just wasn't sure that you wanted to."  
  
"Why wouldn't I want to?" Mac asked now quite confused. Most of the things Harm was saying made sense to her, but this didn't.  
  
"Because you wanted to have a reason to resent me and keep me away?" Harm asked. He had wondered if this was the reason for a lot of those times when she had reacted strongly to things he had said and done that hadn't come out right.  
  
"Earlier... when we were just getting to know each other that might have been the case, but it wasn't it then, even if it might have seemed so," Mac answered. She had never thought about it that way. At the moment she was learning new things about herself both in and out of counseling at a tremendous speed. Elena had now finished eating and Mac started burping her.  
  
"I guess we were making things too simple in February when we started dating without talking about this stuff," Harm said after they had been silent for a while.  
  
"And still this is nowhere as hard as I thought it would be. Of course it still takes a lot of effort, but it's worth it," Mac said. She had to agree with Harm. They had taken a short cut and had been forced to pay for it, however they had ended up here together. They had been lucky.  
  
TBC 


	10. Baptizing

AN: I'm sorry for the long wait for this chapter. A few chapters are coming up now that maybe aren't a whole lot of fun (to tell you the truth they are rather boring). They are needed to build up certain situations for the rest of the story. I hope you stay with the story anyway. As always great thanks to everyone who contributes to this story and makes writing it such an enjoyable time.  
  
Part 10: Baptizing  
  
August 3rd 2003  
  
Mac was the first of the guests to arrive at the Roberts' house. Elena and Sturgis had also attended the baptizing, but then Elena had become cranky so Mac had gone alone to the party afterwards. For three weeks she had been back at work now and so far she hadn't been forced to go out of town for any investigations or trials. She knew it would happen eventually, but the longer until then the better. At first the plan had been that she was just going to work half time, but she had soon realized that she still had to do as much work as if she worked full time. So the last week she had worked full time and it had actually worked out better than she had thought.  
  
When she was working she was to busy to even have time to miss Elena. She tried to make up for the time away from her in the short time from when they both came home until Elena went to sleep. The days didn't have enough hours and she was hoping that soon somehow she would get a better hang of it all. That the workload was going to get easier any time soon wasn't very likely. During her time on leave they had had a Lt. Commander TAD to JAG HQ, but he had been forced to go back to Naples, when she went back to work. There still wasn't any replacement for Harm.  
  
"Hey Mac! What happened to Sturgis and Elena?" Harriet asked her as she opened the door to the Roberts' house.  
  
"Elena needed her nap and Sturgis offered to stay behind with her," Mac answered.  
  
"Well, I'm glad you came anyway."  
  
"This is for Jimmy. It's from all four of us?" Mac said and offered the wrapped package in her hands to Harriet.  
  
"Four?"  
  
"It's from Sturgis, Elena, Harm and me. I'm sure Harm would have loved to be here, if he had been able to."  
  
"Did you speak to him recently?"  
  
"Not since before I came back to work..." Mac said. Thinking about Harm always created an avalanche of emotions to come to Mac. She was worried, sad, scared, happy and hopeful. When he had left they had been in a very good place, but she was so terrified he wouldn't come back and they wouldn't be able to continue. She was trying to keep her faith. Harm had always come back. So far.  
  
"We need to sit down and talk some time," Harriet said and put a hand on Mac's arm trying to reassure her a bit. She was sorry that she had reminded Mac of her worries, but it was hard to avoid since there were so many things around that reminded all of them of Harm.  
  
"That would be great," Mac said and tried to lighten the mood "I think I'll have some time free around January. Would that work for you?"  
  
"February is a good month to, you know," Harriet answered her. Her life was pretty hectic too with the new baby and all. However she did hope they would be able to sit down some time soon. At this moment Jimmy began to cry and Harriet knew that he wanted to be fed so his father wouldn't do this time.  
  
"You've got everything under control or do you need help with anything?" Mac offered Harriet before she went to take care of Jimmy.  
  
"I don't know. You better ask Bud about that. I'll see you later on, right?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
The living room was slowly filling up with people. At Elena's baptizing it had been very crowded since they had held the reception at Mac's place. At the Roberts' there was a lot more room. Mac went to help Bud out in the kitchen and then mingled with the rest of the guests before she went home.  
  
Hopefully Elena would sleep through the night and Mac would be able to get some more things done before a new week started.  
  
TBC 


	11. Right Time

Part 11: Right Time  
  
August 13th 2003  
  
It was a little after midnight. Harm was standing at the kitchen counter sorting through his mail. He had been away for a long time. Too long of a time. Most of his mail was boring bills and postcards from friends on vacation and there was also one letter from Sergei, but what really interested him was the nine thick envelopes, which only had his name on them. Harm recognized the writing very well, but he couldn't understand why she would be sending him letters. She knew very well that he wasn't there to read them. He wasn't sure if he should read them or call her first.  
  
It was decided for him, when the mail drop opened and one more of those letters fell down just inside the door. He rushed over to the door and flung it open. He wanted to stop her before she had left. Mac however hadn't been in any rush to go home. She had stood leaning on the door and when it flung open she literally fell into his arms.   
  
"Hey," Harm said holding on tight to her.  
  
"When did you get here?" Mac said when she had caught up from her shock.  
  
"Just now."  
  
"Where were you? What happened?" Mac started to ask, but she knew he couldn't answer and maybe that was for the best. "I missed you so, so, so much," she said instead and held on to him as hard as she could. "I missed you too, Sweet thing."  
  
"Harm, you have to promise me to never ever call me that again," Mac said and pushed him away just a little so she could see his face.  
  
"Can't to that..." his refusal to promise was met with an ice-cold stare from Mac. But it didn't last long. Soon Mac was smiling at him and they hugged each other again seeking out the other's lips. They didn't want to break contact ever again. Slowly they were walking, dancing and tumbling towards Harm's bed.  
  
Suddenly Harm stopped and Mac almost fell backwards, but Harm managed to grab her before she did so.  
  
"I love you, Mac regardless of what you want to do, but I want you to be sure. Are you sure about this?"  
  
"Oh, Harm I love you so much."  
  
"But are you sure?"  
  
"Yes," Mac answered and kissed him again. The trip to the bedroom continued. Forgotten was everything else. This was just about the two of them.  
  
Later Mac was lying with Harm wrapped around her. She never felt as safe as when she lay like this with Harm and now a new level of intimacy and comfortableness had been added.  
  
"What's up with those letters?" Harm asked her. Neither one of them wanted to fall asleep, afraid that they would wake up and realize that this had just been a dream.  
  
"Jane, the therapist, told me to write letters to my mom and dad. There were so many things I never got to tell them and even if they never get to read those letters it felt really good to write them. I started writing a letter to you and it felt good to leave them here so they'd be here for you when you came back."  
  
"I still get to read them, right?"  
  
"Of course. They aren't very exciting though..."  
  
"They're from you, that makes them exciting to me," he said and smiled into the back of her neck."  
  
They were quiet for a while.  
  
"Does your mother know about Elena?" he asked.  
  
"No. I don't know where she is. I gave her my address, when I met her when my father was dying, but she never contacted me," Mac answered sadly. She didn't miss her mother in her own life. Her mother had been out of it for so long. But it was still a loss to not even have an address and being able to tell her that she was a grandmother.  
  
Once again there was moments of silence between them. They were very comfortable that way.  
  
"What are you doing tomorrow?" Harm asked.  
  
"I have the afternoon off actually. Harriet and Jimmy were going to come over, but I'm sure I can reschedule that somehow."  
  
"Who's Jimmy?"  
  
"Right, you don't know about him. He was born after you left. Jimmy is Bud and Harriet's son. I took the liberty to put you in on our present for his baptizing. Maybe Harriet and Jimmy could still come over and you'd get to meet him. I'll call you from work tomorrow and we can decide how we'll do it," Mac explained to him.  
  
"We'll see about that tomorrow."  
  
"Harm, I have to leave..." Mac said reluctantly after a few minutes.  
  
"No... stay," he said and began to kiss her.  
  
"Elena..."  
  
"Do you really?" Harm asked. He was disappointed, but he also understood that she couldn't just be away like that. She had responsibilities.  
  
"I really do."  
  
"I want you to stay the whole night..."  
  
"I want that too. I just can't do it so spontaneously," Mac said.  
  
"I know, I know." As Mac got up and got dressed he started to do the same. She stopped and looked at him. "I'm taking you home."  
  
"No you're not. Then my car will be here. Go to sleep, Harm. You need it and I'll be fine," Mac protested. "I'll see you tomorrow, right?"  
  
"Of course. But I'm still following you to your car," Harm compromised and soon they were both dressed and down by the car.  
  
"See you," Mac said and Harm kissed her before he closed the door.  
  
"See you, Sarah," he said and Mac drove off.  
  
TBC 


	12. Missing Him

AN: You missed the episode where Mac's feather died? Seriously though thanks for pointing it out to me, I've corrected the mistakes now.  
  
Part 12: Missing Him  
  
September 5th 2003  
  
Harm never got to meet Jimmy. Early the next morning he got a call to go out on a mission again. He didn't even have time to go and say a proper goodbye to Mac. There was just a message on her voice mail explaining that he had to go away again. She had been sad and disappointed even though she knew he couldn't do anything about it. She couldn't be angry with him directly, so instead his new trade of work got some pretty tough curses thrown at it. Somehow she had to deal with it.  
  
Mac and Bud were sitting in the cafeteria having lunch together.  
  
"Maybe it's time you call Webb?" Bud suggested. He knew how horrible it must be for Mac to not know where he was and he tried to cheer her up somehow.  
  
"Seriously, Bud?" she asked him. 'Did he really think she hadn't tried that one yet?' she thought. "Bud, if I call him one more time asking about Harm he will change his number and move out of the country. He says he doesn't know anything and even if he did he couldn't tell us."  
  
"I guess that's true... I must say I'm so impressed with how you're dealing with this. I know what it's like to work here at JAG and have a baby at home. Harriet has pulled a lot of that at home and now you have this thing with Harm in the CIA on top of that."  
  
"It's all an act," Mac said and tried to joke about it.  
  
"I don't think it is, ma'am. I mean I would have suspected you to totally close down like..." Bud stopped mid-sentence remembering this was a superior officer he was talking to.  
  
"Like I've done in the past," Mac finished Bud's sentence.  
  
"Sorry, ma'am."  
  
"It's the truth."  
  
"Well, at the moment you seem to embrace the world and that seems to be working for you. Harriet and I would love to help you if we can."  
  
"You don't have any more time than I do..." Mac protested.  
  
"We'd make us time."  
  
"I appreciate that," Mac said and smiled gratefully. She really was in no position to say no to help. "You know, I'm sure Harm will call you and Harriet. He's just going through a lot right now."  
  
"He did call and congratulated us on the baby," Bud informed her, but he had also noticed how Harm seemed to be distancing himself from everyone at JAG, well except for Mac.  
  
"I'm glad to hear that," Mac said.  
  
TBC 


	13. He's Back

Part 13: He's Back  
  
September 19th 2003  
  
Mac was sitting on one of the barstools at the counter of Harm's kitchen. He had been home for a couple of days now and it had been wonderful. He had been completely off from work. Today he had surprised Mac with cleaning her whole apartment and doing her laundry. Mac was of course very appreciative. Now he had cooked dinner for both of them and it was slowly getting ready. Sturgis was taking care of Elena so Mac was free to be spontaneous this night.  
  
There was a knock on the door. Since Harm was pretty busy Mac went to open up. It took a few moments until she realized who was at the door.  
  
"Hello," Mac greeted.  
  
"Is Harm there?"  
  
"Um, yeah. Come in." Mac said. She was a little surprised since she didn't know that this woman knew Harm well enough to come and visit him at his apartment and wondered what she was doing there.  
  
"Oh, hey Beth. What are you doing here?" Harm asked.  
  
"We have to go in to the agency tomorrow," Beth answered "I thought I'd tell you in person. I'm sorry if I interrupted anything."  
  
"It's alright," Harm told her. "Mac, do you remember Beth O'Neil from..."  
  
"I do. So you work for the CIA now?" Mac asked. Harm hadn't told her about her. They had a silent agreement not to talk about his work with the CIA. There wasn't much Harm would have been allowed to say anyway.  
  
"Yeah. I'll get going now. We have to be there by nine tomorrow," Beth said and walked out the door.  
  
Harm put the food on the table and he and Mac sat down to eat. Mac was quiet and later when they were sitting on the couch and drinking coffee he asked her about it.  
  
"What's wrong Mac?"  
  
"Commander O'Neil... It just got me thinking. In the end it all comes back to one thing."  
  
"What?"  
  
"One night of stupidity and our whole lives were changed. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, we'd never gone to Paraguay, you wouldn't have resigned and would still be working at JAG and everything at JAG wouldn't be so different. Do you ever wish for that, that last year simply didn't happen? I mean I don't, but I got Elena out of it. You just lost a whole lot of things."  
  
"How can you be so sure those things wouldn't have happened anyway? A year ago, I still had the Navy, but I didn't have you, so regardless of how things are now, I wouldn't dare wishing for something else when that might mean not being with you."  
  
"You know, Harm," Mac said "You have a way to say exactly the right things that can make me feel so much better."  
  
"It wasn't always that way," Harm admitted as much to her as to himself.  
  
"Today is what really counts."  
  
TBC 


	14. Unemployed Again

AN: I've got some good and some bad news. The good news are for me, I'm going to Paris for a week, and that means bad news for you since I won't be able to post any new part for the story until I'm back. Until then I hope you enjoy this part, which is a personal favorite of mine, and I can also inform you that the whole story is finished now and it will be a total of 32 parts. Great thanks to Cria and TZ, my beta-readers, and everyone else who gives me such wonderful feedback!  
  
Part 14: Unemployed Again  
  
September 29th 2003  
  
"Hey, I came as soon as I heard your message that you were back," Mac said as she walked into his apartment. "I'm so glad you're back," she embraced him.  
  
"I saw you on TV," Mac said when Harm didn't say anything.  
  
"I need to tell you something." Mac looked at him attentively. "I got fired."  
  
"Oh. Because of being on TV?" Mac asked and Harm nodded in response. "You upset?"  
  
"Well, yes."  
  
"I'm sorry, but you know I'm glad if it means that you'll be around more..."  
  
"We'll see," Harm said a little more nonchalantly than he had intended to.  
  
Mac felt a knot in her stomach. She was happy he wasn't going to work anymore for the CIA. She really was. But she was also feeling sorry for him, especially since it seemed to affect him so much.  
  
"I need your help with something at JAG," Mac said thinking it might not be a bad idea to remind him that he was a lawyer and could still work as one.  
  
"Oh, you can't handle it without me?" his mood changed for the better and he tried to joke.  
  
"No, we can't," Mac answered seriously. "But this is about something else. Commander Imes, you remember her, came back as your replacement, but it turns out she isn't a lawyer."  
  
"I could have told you that," Harm laughed, "Kidding."  
  
"I'm defending her against the charges. I thought you could help me looking over all of the cases where you prosecuted against her. If you'd want to..." She was interrupted by someone knocking on the door. They both got up and Harm went over to open up.  
  
"Hey Harm. I need to talk to you," the woman said. Mac couldn't quite place the voice, but she knew she had heard it before.  
  
"Oh," Harm said. He didn't verbally invite her in. He just stepped aside so she could enter. As the pregnant Catherine Gale entered Mac recognized who it was.  
  
"I'll go and buy us something to eat," Mac said and put on her coat. There wasn't any room for privacy in this apartment and Mac didn't want Harm to have to make a decision about talking to the CIA-lawyer or not.  
  
"You'll be back?" Harm asked. The last thing he wanted to do was to drive Mac away.  
  
"Sooner than you think," Mac kissed him and went out the door.  
  
"Does Colonel Mackenzie know about 'our marriage'?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Not really..." he hadn't intentionally kept it from Mac. It just hadn't come up and it didn't seem so important anymore either.  
  
They continued to talk and Catherine told him about the baby and how she wasn't naming the father. Harm was concerned for her well-being. There didn't seem like there was a whole lot that he could do for her, but he promised to come with her to the hospital and see her mother. It wasn't like he didn't have the time.  
  
Forty-five minutes after she had left, Mac returned to Harm's apartment. Catherine Gale was long gone.  
  
"You two got to talk?" Mac asked. She didn't want to be too curious, but she couldn't help wanting to know why she had showed up at Harm's apartment.  
  
"Yeah. Catherine is the one who helped me find you in Paraguay. Do you remember I told you that my wife worked for the CIA?" Harm almost beat himself. This was not how he had planned to tell her. He was supposed to start by stressing the fake part of the wedding.  
  
"You're married to her?" Mac was almost laughing. Somehow this was just hilarious. Harm explained how the ceremony had taken place with Bud as a minister. Now Mac was really laughing at it. Harm was glad she had taken it the right way and laughed with her. At the time it happened he had been so worried about her, he hadn't really been able to see the comedy of the situation, but now he could.  
  
"And now she's pregnant?" Mac asked after she had sobered up.  
  
"I'm not... We didn't... I just kissed her," Harm stumbled not realizing that wasn't at all what Mac was implying.  
  
"You kissed her?" Mac asked trying to stay serious despite Harm's rambling.  
  
"Just for the ceremony," Harm tried to explain himself. "I wouldn't have otherwise, but her mother was watching and..." he was interrupted by Mac who had started kissing him to stop him from saying anything more.  
  
"I love you, Harm, but sometimes you are just too much," she said once she thought it was safe to let him go.  
  
"That means you'll forgive me," Harm said now realizing that Mac had seen it all as a joke.  
  
"I think I can find some way to entertain you so you won't marry other women again," Mac said suggestively.  
  
"Does this mean that Sturgis has Elena?"  
  
"Mm mm," Mac said affirmatively.  
  
TBC 


	15. Everything's Back To Normal?

Part 15: Everything's Back To Normal?  
  
October 5th 2003  
  
As he was driving Harm wondered if he was doing the right thing. He looked over at the girl sitting next to him. She hadn't been too happy about coming with him, but he had convinced her to go and she had eventually agreed to come along. He just hoped Mac wouldn't be angry with him for this.  
  
Tomorrow he was going to go back to work. The admiral had come out to the airfield and personally asked him back. Apparently the ones in charge had realized after the whole Imes-mess that they couldn't just throw an already experienced JAG-lawyer away like they had done with Harm and the admiral had gotten permission to ask him to come back. Harm hadn't accepted right away, but it really hadn't taken that long either to make up his mind. Just like for Mac, JAG was where he belonged.  
  
"We'll be there soon," Harm said to Mattie, the girl sitting next to him.  
  
Despite helping Mac with the Imes-case he had had a lot of free time at his hands and a couple of days earlier he had gone out to fly his Sarah. There he had discovered that the hangar had been sold and a 14-year-old girl was running it together with her father. She had offered him a job and Harm had accepted. He didn't want to be a lawyer at some private law firm and he'd take the first job he was offered if he got to fly. He also thought he had lost all of his chances to ever serve his country again.  
  
Today he had realized that the father of Mattie really wasn't around and he had known since the first day that her mother was dead. Even if she had made it alone for some time already he didn't feel comfortable leaving her there alone. He was glad that she had decided to come with him.  
  
He pulled up in front of Mac's apartment and they both got out of the car.  
  
"Does this person even know that I'm with you?" Mattie asked. She now regretted agreeing to do this.  
  
"Not yet. But I'm sure it will be OK," Harm tried to reassure her, but he was getting more insecure about that himself. What he did know however was that Mac wouldn't take it out on Mattie if she became angry with him.  
  
Mac opened the door holding a crying Elena in her arms. She motioned for them to get in without asking who Mattie was.  
  
"I was wondering when you'd show up," she said almost a little irritated. "I need to change her diaper. The dinner is cooking on the stove. Can you see to it?" she asked and disappeared with Elena into the nursery.  
  
"That was Mac," Harm said to Mattie. "She seems a little stressed at the moment."  
  
"You think," Mattie said and wondered if this man always stated the obvious. She looked around the living room. On the coffee table a lot of files and papers were spread out. There was really just place for one person to sit down on the couch since it for the biggest part was filled with washed but unfolded laundry. All around on the floor toys, blankets and other baby stuff lay. The baby was still screaming. She had no idea babies could make that much noise and this was where Harm wanted her to stay for the night. She wasn't going to get one ounce of sleep.  
  
Harm told her to follow him into the kitchen and finish the dinner. The dish washer was half loaded and still a lot of things stood in the sink. Harm started to stir in the pots, which contained pasta and some tomato sauce. The can, which had contained the sauce, still stood beside the stove. The spaghettis where more than done, so Harm took them off and he and Mattie put everything on the kitchen table. Mac now emerged with a no longer quite as hysterical Elena.  
  
"Hi, I'm Mac. I'm sorry about that before. It's kind of chaotic here at the moment." She offered her free hand to Mattie who accepted it.  
  
"I'm Mattie."  
  
"From the airfield. Harm told me about you."  
  
"Oh, I thought he hadn't told you..." Mattie started, but was cut off by Harm.  
  
"Mac, can I talk to you in private?" He didn't leave her any possibility to protest and just started dragging her off.  
  
"Wait a minute," Mac said and put Elena down in her chair by the kitchen table. "Can you keep an eye on her for a minute?" she asked Mattie. Mattie looked quite scared at that, but if Mac noticed that she didn't do anything about it.  
  
"Mattie's father is gone too. I just couldn't leave her there alone," Harm started to explain once they were alone in Mac's bedroom.  
  
"So you want her to stay here?" Mac asked. She knew exactly what he wanted.  
  
"Well only if it's OK with you."  
  
"She's here now. I can hardly kick her out, can I?" Mac said a bit angry with him for not letting her have a choice in the whole thing. "You could at least have called before."  
  
"I know. I'm sorry, Mac," he said and hoped she would forgive him. Elena had once again started screaming.  
  
"We'll talk more about this later. I have to feed my daughter now," Mac said and returned to the kitchen.  
  
"I'm sorry. I didn't do anything, she just started crying," Mattie said.  
  
"I know, she's just hungry. She gets cranky like this sometimes in the evenings. You haven't been around babies a whole lot, have you?" Mac asked Mattie.  
  
"No I haven't," Mattie admitted.  
  
Mac got out Elena's food and started feeding her. She told Harm and Mattie to start eating and then tried to eat some herself while feeding Elena. It wasn't easy, but once Elena was finished she was content just sitting there for a while and Mac had a chance to finish eating.  
  
"There are fresh sheets in the bed in Elena's room. I have rolled her bed over to my room so you don't have to worry about her. You've got a toothbrush and everything?" Mac asked and when Mattie said she didn't she advised her where she could find those things she needed.  
  
"You do realize that we have to call children's protection services about her?" Mac asked Harm as Mattie was in the bathroom. Elena was already asleep in her own bed.  
  
"I know. What do you think will happen?"  
  
"I don't know. Will you take her back to the airfield tomorrow?"  
  
"Yeah, I planned to... I kind of feel like apologizing for not helping you out here. I went away to fly and I could have helped you with all of this instead," Harm motioned towards the mess lying around in her living room.  
  
"Harm, this isn't your responsibility. I love it when you do help me, but it's nothing I'm going to demand or expect from you. Besides you worked there, didn't you?" she couldn't believe that Harm actually felt guilty about this. She had realized that she didn't care where or with what he worked as long as he could come home at nights and wasn't out of contact for weeks.  
  
"About that job..."  
  
"You're going to help Mattie run her business?"  
  
"No, the admiral came by today. He offered me to be reinstated. I can go back to JAG."  
  
"Did you accept?" Mac asked a bit anxiously. He hadn't said that he wanted to come back to JAG, but the opportunity hadn't been there either.  
  
"I did. I'm reporting for duty tomorrow at noon." He didn't get a chance to say anything more before Mac embraced him and kissed him.  
  
"Everything is going to get better now," she said into his shoulder.  
  
"I hope so"  
  
"Then we can call about Mattie together from the office tomorrow. Maybe we can work something out for her too."  
  
TBC 


	16. Adding To The Family

Part 16: Adding To The Family  
  
October 6th 2003  
  
"Mattie, we called children's protection services today," Mac started off the conversation. Harm had driven her back to the airfield this morning and then come back for her after he finished work. Mattie had been totally surprised when she woke up this morning and found the apartment cleaned and in order. She doubted Mac had slept at all. She hadn't minded staying here as much as she thought she would. With or without the mess the apartment was really nice and warm and Mac was pretty cool too. Just like Harm. That was why she was so shocked when Mac made that announcement. She really hadn't thought they would turn their back on her like that.  
  
"I'm leaving right now," she said and started to get up.  
  
"No you're not," Mac said and pushed her back onto her chair.  
  
"You had no right to do that. You don't even know me," Mattie said getting more and more upset.  
  
"Mattie, we had to," Harm tried to explain.  
  
"You're just covering for yourself. You just want get rid of me without having to feel guilty about it."  
  
"Mattie until you say anything more you need to let me finish," Mac made a pause but soon continued, "As I said we talked to them. They might let you stay here with Elena and me until they can find a permanent home for you. If you don't want to stay here, they will find you another place to stay temporarily, but they aren't going to let you go home to your house and live there alone. If you say you want to stay here someone from the agency will still have to come here and approve my home, so it's not totally certain you would be allowed to stay here anyway. However most of it is up to you, so what do you say?"  
  
"Why can't they just leave me alone? I'm not hurting anyone... I just want to go back home," Mattie pleaded with them. Tears were slowly coming down her cheeks.  
  
"But you are hurting someone, Mattie. You are hurting yourself. You shouldn't have to live on your own and have all of those responsibilities. We don't want that for you, because even if we don't know you all that well we do care about you." Mac moved over closer to Mattie. "I'll tell you how this will work. As you saw yesterday, this isn't always the most organized and calmest place. I'm still fairly new to being a mother and I work a lot. You'll have to work hard for school, I understand you haven't been there lately, and I don't want to have to force you to. At times you'll also have to help me out here with cleaning and things like that."  
  
Mac was quiet for a while and carefully put an arm around Mattie's shoulders. It was hard to tell what Mattie was feeling, but she didn't shake off Mac's arm even if she didn't seem like she liked it especially either.  
  
"I guess I'd rather stay here than go to some foster family..."  
  
"Don't sound so enthusiastic..." Harm said and smiled. He had remained silent throughout the conversation, but he was really as much in on Mattie staying there as Mac was. He had promised to help out even if he didn't live there.  
  
"So what will happen to my business then if I have to go to school?"  
  
"Someone will be assigned to look everything over and decide what's best. I'm sure you can talk to him or her then. You'll just have to wait and see," Mac told her.  
  
"I'm sorry I was so angry with you. I guess it really will be OK to stay here," Mattie said and that was all the recognition Mac was going to get.  
  
TBC 


	17. Help

Part 17: Help  
  
October 9th 2003  
  
Harm knocked on the doorpost of Mac's office, but didn't wait with entering until she called him in.  
  
"Did they call you about Mattie yet?"  
  
"Yeah. She gets to stay with me... They're sending someone over tomorrow to enroll her in school and everything, so I guess it will work out for a while at least," Mac told him without looking up from her papers.  
  
"I met someone today who could use some help..." Harm started, but was quite promptly interrupted by Mac.  
  
"Don't you dare look at me, Harm," she looked him sternly in the eyes.  
  
That didn't stop Harm from telling her the whole story about the former seaman Minnerly, who had been arrested for theft.  
  
"Where is he staying right now? And just so you don't get any ideas, my apartment is already too crowded," when Harm didn't answer she understood. "He's on your couch."  
  
Harm just admitted by nodding his head a bit.  
  
"Harm, you can't help everyone. If you try to you'll end up not being able to help anyone. Do you realize how much we have to do here at JAG? We were behind as it was and now we have all of Imes-cases too. Elena and Mattie deserve that I put the rest of my energy into caring for them."  
  
"But the admiral always lets you slide, Mac," Harm tried to convince her. He was as it was already stuck with the majority of the Imes-cases and that would require some all-nighters before he could get to work on anything else.  
  
"Get out, Harm."  
  
October 10th 2003  
  
Harm and Mac were walking out of the office together.  
  
"Well, that went pretty well I think," Harm said. The admiral had discovered Minnerly in the office and when he had heard his story he had helped him himself.  
  
"Yeah," Mac agreed.  
  
"I'm sorry if I tried to push you into helping him. I know you're busy. It was just with all of Imes' and Singer's cases, I felt like I was in over my head."  
  
"I know you always want to help. I love you for that. It's a wonderful part of your personality and you shouldn't apologize for it. It's hard for you to be back here, I can see that."  
  
"It is, but it will be fine. It's better than it was the last time I came back," Harm smiled grateful that she wasn't mad at him.  
  
"I'm sorry about that," Mac apologized.  
  
"I know you are."  
  
"Have you talked to Bud and Harriet? About being back and so?"  
  
"A bit. I think they understand why I wasn't in contact with them and all."  
  
"Why weren't you? I never understood that," Mac asked. She had wondered about that a lot.  
  
"I was ashamed I guess."  
  
"Of what? You don't have anything to be ashamed of," this didn't make anything clearer to her.  
  
"I didn't know how I should act around them when I wasn't..." he didn't finish his sentence.  
  
"Bud and Harriet respect you just as much with a uniform as without, Harm. Possibly more considering how you lost it," Mac said to make sure he really knew this.  
  
"And then being in the CIA. We always had an opinion of Webb as one of the few decent agents. I wasn't sure they would understand."  
  
"You should give your friends more credit. They knew you were serving your country honorably. We all did." Since they were both in uniform walking across the parking lot she couldn't display him physical affection the way she wanted. She had to settle with taking his hand and giving it a tender squeeze.  
  
"So what are you doing this weekend? Do you want me to come over?" Harm asked as they had come to the place where they had parked both of their cars.  
  
"I have Elena the whole weekend since Sturgis is sick and I have to help Mattie with getting started with all of her catching up for school, so I probably won't have any time to see you..." Mac started explaining. Unconsciously she wished he would come over and help her out with Mattie, but didn't directly ask him for it.  
  
"I guess I'll see you Monday then," Harm said getting the feeling that he shouldn't impose on them.  
  
TBC 


	18. Flying Lessons

Part 18: Flying Lessons  
  
October 26th 2003  
  
Mac had quite fast realized that what a teenager sometimes says, and really means and intends to do, don't always work out that way. Today was Sunday and Mac was going to spend a couple of hours together with Sturgis and Elena. The two of them had planned to have these family-outings once a week on Sundays, but real-life had made it hard to make them a reality. They were down to about once every three weeks, but they had decided that they weren't going too be so upset about it. It was better that they could be together having a nice time seldom than being together more often, but thinking about everything else they had to do.  
  
The plan for the day had been for Mattie to go flying with Harm. The condition Mac had put up was that she would already be finished with her homework before leaving with Harm. That wasn't the case Mac had found out a minute ago, so now she was forced to not let her go flying.  
  
Any minute now Harm would get there to pick her up. Mac was silently praying that he would support her on this one. Mattie was a great girl. She was friendly most of the time, honest and very independent, but she still had to get used to having rules and limits for her behavior. Otherwise she wouldn't survive in this world.  
  
"She isn't letting me go flying," Mattie had run to the door as soon as Harm entered the apartment.  
  
"Why not?" He asked Mac, who came out of the kitchen.  
  
"It's just this stupid homework for history. I'll get it done tonight. Can't we go, Harm?" Mattie answered before Mac had a chance to say anything. She had from the start realized that Harm would let her do a lot more things than Mac did and she wasn't going to miss out on her flying lesson without a fight.  
  
"And you were supposed to have done it yesterday and you didn't," Mac clarified for Harm's sake and looked at Mattie.  
  
"Then I guess instead of going flying, we are going to do history homework today," Harm said without properly hiding his own disappointment at this.  
  
"I have to leave to meet Sturgis and Elena now."  
  
"Have a nice time, Mac," Harm said.  
  
"You, too..." Mac said. "Bye."  
  
"Goodbye."  
  
Mattie didn't say anything.  
  
Mac and Sturgis had agreed to meet at Sturgis apartment. They were going to put all of the photos they had of Elena in an album. It was just a couple of days until she would be six months. A very important date.  
  
"Did everything go well with her?" Mac said and took Elena from her father's arms.  
  
"She was a bit hesitant to go to sleep, but once she did she slept the whole night through. I think she'll be ready for a nap soon though," Sturgis replied. This was the third night Elena had spent in his apartment. Before that he had been alone with her over night in Mac's apartment, but never in his own apartment. They had decided to start it off with one night a week and then increase it. Sturgis still came by Mac's apartment during the weeks to visit her though.  
  
"Good."  
  
"Maybe I could have her twice a week?" Sturgis asked. "I'd pick her up on Fridays and we'd meet up on Sundays, do something together and you could take her home with you."  
  
"It could work," Mac said. She knew she couldn't handle it all alone, but she also didn't like it when her baby was out of reach. Sturgis wanted to be a part of her life and Mac was so happy and pleased with that, but she also wanted Elena with her all the time.  
  
They continued with the album and played with Elena for a while until Mac realized she had to get home if she was going to get all the things done that she had to do.  
  
Mattie continued the silent treatment towards Mac the rest of the day and the following morning. Harm came to drive her to school and in the car he asked why she was doing that.  
  
"It's like she's trying to run my life. Flying is everything and soon it will be too cold. Who cares about school anyway?"  
  
"I do."  
  
"You would still have let me go flying. I mean you're still OK. Mac's just so much... a mother."  
  
"If I had let you go flying even when you hadn't done what you were supposed to. It would have been the wrong decision. I was totally behind Mac on that decision, I'm sorry if I didn't make that clear." Harm was trying to adjust to this. Mac was doing much better with her, he felt, and therefore he often let her take the lead. She had more experience from being a parent and of kids Mattie's age.  
  
When Mac entered her apartment together with Elena the same night, she was greeted by the smell of food. Pizza to be more exact. She noticed that the whole apartment had been cleaned.  
  
"Hey Mac," Mattie came towards her and held her arms out to take Elena. She had learnt a lot about taking care of babies since that night three weeks ago. She liked having Elena around, even if it was also very nice when she was at Sturgis' once a week and she didn't have to worry about waking her up in the evenings or being woken up in the middle of the night.  
  
Mac put down her briefcase and the bag with Elena's stuff beside the door.  
  
"If you want to change I'll take care of Elena. The pizzas will be ready in just a minute."  
  
"OK, I guess I'll do that," Mac was quite astonished by the change in Mattie from this morning before going off to school and work. She had known she wasn't going to be angry with her forever, but she hadn't quite expected this turnaround. She wondered what had caused it all.  
  
"I heated some food for Elena too," Mattie told her when she a few minutes later entered the kitchen. Elena was sitting in her chair ready for dinner and two pizzas were on the table.  
  
"I didn't know you knew how to cook," Mac started inquiring.  
  
"I don't. These are just those frozen pizzas that you buy already-made I just had to put them in the oven. I'm going to ask Harm to teach me to cook something..."  
  
"I'm impressed. What happened today?" Mac asked and looked at Mattie in a way that made it impossible for her to avoid answering.  
  
"Well, first I talked to Harm a bit and then in history we got a test and I would never have known any of it if I hadn't studied with Harm yesterday, so I kind of want to apologize for how I behaved. I was wrong and I want to thank you for forcing me to study too."  
  
"Apology accepted. Sometimes I think I'm putting too much responsibility on you. I want you to be able to be a child at the same time as I want you to be prepared for the world out there... Maybe I should have checked earlier that you had done you homework."  
  
"Mac, I like that you let me make my own mistakes too. I wouldn't want you to treat me like a first grader. In the future I'll do better, I promise."  
  
"Good. Now I want to have some of this pizza," Mac said and grabbed the biggest piece she could find.  
  
'Elena is pretty lucky,' Mattie thought 'to have Mac as a mother.'  
  
TBC 


	19. Guardians?

AN: I appreciate all of the reviews and feedback I get for this story. All the reviewers deserve a great thank you. Everytime I check my e-mail and there's a review alert or an e-mail about my story I'm filled with a warm and fuzzy feeling. I'm sorry I can't get back to every one of you to thank you personally. Cria and TZ who have beta-read this story deserve even more thanks.  
  
Part 19: Guardians?  
  
October 30th 2003  
  
"Mrs. Lemoyne called to ask how everything was going with Mattie today," Mac informed Harm as she came out of her bedroom after checking up on Elena.  
  
"Have they found a family for her yet?"  
  
"No, it seems to be pretty hard fro them to find any home that would last," Mac said and sat down beside him. Both of the girls were already in bed sleeping. Mac and Harm had been working on their respective ongoing cases. "I feel sorry for Mattie. Waiting and not know what will happen must be pretty tough."  
  
"I know it must be horrible for her."  
  
"I see a lot myself in her. It's like it's healing those wounds from my childhood, by being able to help her."  
  
"You really did go through therapy, didn't you?" Harm remarked, but he also thought it sounded pretty logically.  
  
"I did. And now the AA-meetings are very good at reminding me that I have to keep fighting." She had agreed with her therapist that when she stopped with the therapy-sessions, those meetings would be a good way to keep herself real. It had been two months now since she had last seen her therapist and she felt it had worked out well. She hadn't been able to go to as many of the meetings as she wanted to, but the ones she had been to had really lifted her up.  
  
"Do you ever think about drinking?"  
  
"All the time. Sometimes the world is just so frightening and you just want to dig yourself a hole and hide. Well alcohol is my hole and if I hid there I wouldn't want to come out."  
  
"You have a lot of reasons to stay here for," Harm pointed out to her.  
  
"I do, but I'm not staying sober for your sake. It's something I'm doing just for me. Having you is just a bonus..."  
  
"I'm glad you know you're worth staying sober for," Harm said. He had long ago put down the file he was reading and now just sat looking at her. "What are you going to do about Mattie? I know you said this was just a temporary situation and it seems like it's going to last longer."  
  
"That's what Mrs. Lemoyne asked me too. I just can't let Mattie go unless I know she's going somewhere she'd be well-off and where she'd get to stay and that's what I wanted to talk to you about."  
  
"Are you thinking about letting her stay here permanently? That's a great idea."  
  
"I am thinking about that, but if I do I'll need more help from you. I would want us to apply for guardianship together," Mac said and wondered how Harm was going to react to this.  
  
"I could do that, Mac. It's a lot calmer at JAG now, so I can spend more time here with all of you and help put. Did you talk about this with Mrs. Lemoyne?"  
  
"Not yet. I wanted to talk to you first."  
  
"I can call her tomorrow and set up a meeting with her where we can discuss it and then of course we'll have to ask Mattie how she feels about it."  
  
"We'll do that tomorrow. I'm going to bed now anyway. Are you coming?"  
  
"In a minute," Harm answered and started to organize his files. He loved the feeling of coming over to Mac's apartment and be with his three favorite girls, but it was like there was still something missing. Maybe them sharing the legal responsibility for Mattie would somehow fill that void.  
  
TBC 


	20. Away and Back Again

Part 20: Away and Back Again  
  
November 7th 2003  
  
Mac was sitting on the plane next to Harm. She was returning home from the longest assignment out of town so far since Elena was born. It had actually gone a lot better than she had thought. Sure, she had called Sturgis often to check on Elena, but she didn't feel bad about having left her with Sturgis. Mattie had stayed alone in the apartment, this was something they had talked about with the social worker, and Bud, Harriet and Jennifer Coates had promised to check in with her at least once a day.  
  
She had also been up against Harm for the first time in a long time. The admiral hadn't been able to avoid it and they were both very urgent about making sure that no one could complain about their performance, since that would put them both staying at JAG in jeopardy. It had felt a bit weird at first to work together again, but soon they fell back into their old ways. They did make a really good team together.  
  
The plane was staring to descend and Mac woke Harm up. He had fallen asleep shortly after they had taken off, but Mac, even though she was just as tired, couldn't get herself to sleep. She though about what she had to do at home and at work. Surely a lot of things had gathered on her desk during her absence that she needed to take care of. She hadn't discussed who was going to have Elena this weekend with Sturgis yet. Normally on Fridays to Sundays, he had her, but Mac wanted to see her now that she had been away for a couple of days.  
  
They had taken Harm's car to the airport, so first he drove her to her apartment and from there she took her car to go and get Elena, whereas Harm drove home to his apartment. Mattie came along with Mac and talked the whole way about everything that had happened in school while Mac had been gone. Mattie had been really happy about Mac and Harm wanting to be her guardians. It meant so much that Mac, who really knew what it was like to live with her, still wanted to have her around. She was realizing more and more that those two people really cared for her.  
  
They arrived at Sturgis' apartment and Elena who was soon to be ready to go to sleep squealed in delight when she saw her mother. Mac took her and held on really tight.  
  
"Can you take her tonight? Things got kind of out of hand around here and I need to get a handle of it," Sturgis said and Mattie and Mac looked around the apartment. The way Mac's apartment had looked when Mattie was there the first time seemed tidy compared to this. There were just things everywhere.  
  
"I'll have her. Are you coming by on Sunday?" Mac asked as Sturgis started to gather the things that Elena was going to need to have at Mac's place. A lot of things they had duplicates for, but not all of them.  
  
"I don't know if I can make that. I still have a lot of things to catch up on for work on Monday."  
  
"Oh... call me tomorrow and tell me when you know if you can," Mac said.  
  
"Goodbye, Sturgis," Mattie said and the three of them left the apartment to go home and get some well-deserved sleep. Well, at least two of them would get that.  
  
TBC 


	21. Moving In or Moving Out

Part 21: Moving In or Moving Out  
  
November 19th 2003  
  
"Hey, what are you doing here?" Mac whispered when she woke up from someone climbing into her bed. The movements were well known to her so she wasn't alarmed, just a bit surprised.  
  
"I didn't want to go home," Harm whispered back not wanting to wake Elena up.  
  
"The monsters under your bed are scaring you?" Mac said a bit sleepily.  
  
"I just wanted to protect you from yours," Harm said and snuggled up close to her. "What would you say to having our monsters under the same bed?"  
  
"I don't think there's enough room for them all."  
  
"Well, maybe we just need a bigger bed... Mac?"  
  
"Yeah," Mac had almost fallen back to sleep by now.  
  
"Would you like us to live together?"  
  
"I would, but we need to discuss that tomorrow when we're both awake, OK?"  
  
"Mm," Harm couldn't deny his need for sleep either. There was no place in the whole world where he rather slept than next to Mac, his Marine.  
  
November 20th 2003  
  
"Hey, Mac, are we still on for lunch?"  
  
"Yeah, give me just another five minutes, okay?" Mac asked him.  
  
Five minutes later they were heading out of the office. They had decided to go to a restaurant and have some time to themselves.  
  
"So how is the case going? Is Sturgis giving you any problems?"  
  
"He added manslaughter to the charges... Are you disappointed that he got to go instead of you?"  
  
"That's kind of what I want to talk to you about..."  
  
The waitress came and took their orders. Harm remained silent until Mac started talking again.  
  
"I've been thinking about taking a job that won't require as much travels and work hours."  
  
"I thought you liked it at JAG," Harm interrupted. He really hadn't seen this coming.  
  
"I love my work at JAG, it challenges me all the time, but I just can't go on like this. I'm so tired and exhausted. Sooner rather than later this won't be a choice for me. I will start making mistakes and I'd rather end when I'm still on top, you know."  
  
"Is this because of me, because I haven't taken enough responsibility for Mattie. I'm the one who brought her to you and I guess I could have been around more. It's just she seems to turn more to you when she needs help from a parent."  
  
"I think that might be because she isn't sure you want to take on that part with her. That you'd rather just be her friend. The thing is it's not about how much time you spend at our place or how many things you help her or me with. At the moment I don't feel like you're sharing the responsibility for her and I guess I haven't felt like I could require you to do that either. You didn't force me into anything and I probably had a much better idea of what this would be like than you had," Mac stopped. She wasn't sure how she was going to be able to explain that she loved both him and Mattie and didn't want to give up either one of them. She just wanted to be honest with him about the reasons for her desire for a calmer job.  
  
"Mac I understand what you're saying... I think I already knew that something wasn't right. I've felt like a visitor at your place and it's hard to become a part of your everyday life when I'm not around all the time. I really want to change that, Mac. Please give me a chance to try."  
  
"Is this about you moving in with us?" Mac asked bringing the conversation back to where it was supposed to have gone.  
  
"Sort of. I saw an ad in the paper the day I left for the Gilcrest so I never got around to talk about it with you then. I mean you know we could just look at it, we don't have to," Harm was quickly getting off track so Mac interfered.  
  
"Look at what, Harm?"  
  
"This apartment in Lyon Park..."  
  
"Harm, are you sure about this?" Mac asked him seriously.  
  
"Well, I'd like to have a look at it first, but..."  
  
"No, I meant us living together. I don't want to force you into anything. If you still want your freedom, I'll understand that. I really would. I just don't want you to change for my sake. With a different job I'm sure I can handle both Elena and Mattie."  
  
"Ever since... I don't know for how long... I've sensed that I'm missing something. A family. It's just gotten worse being over at you place and seeing what I could have. I really want this family with you. I want you, I want Elena and I want Mattie. You know, it almost feels like it is a selfish thing to ask you to move in with me," he concluded and smiled.  
  
"If you're sure about that I would love to look at that apartment. Do you have an appointment to go and look at it already?" Mac said with a lot of relief in her voice.  
  
"Would you be angry with me and call me presumptuous if I did?"  
  
"No," Mac said and laughed a little.  
  
"Then yes, I do. It's for tonight right after work. We could pick Elena up before we head over there."  
  
"Sounds great. I'll leave a message for Mattie."  
  
TBC 


	22. Fighting

Part 22: Fighting  
  
November 30th 2003  
  
The apartment in Lyon Park was great and at the beginning of next year they were all moving in there. The last week Harm had practically lived in Mac's apartment and had also brought over most of his clothes there. Both Mac and Harm were really happy that they were soon going to move into a bigger apartment where there would be a little more room more all four of them. It was a four-bedroom apartment so Elena would now get her own room and they would make the other bedroom into an office for both of them. The weekend had been really busy. They had spent all of Saturday going through which sets of furniture they were going to bring to the new apartment and making other arrangements for the move. They had just returned home from grocery shopping and were putting the food away together. Mattie was studying in her room and Elena was with Sturgis.  
  
Elena had been sleeping so poorly lately that Mac and Sturgis had rearranged her schedule so she would spend some nights before workdays at Sturgis place too. Sturgis hadn't even realized that it was unfair that unless Mac was out of town he only had Elena on weekends and thereby was guarantied to get to sleep through the nights before he had to go to work. He had just as Harm had concerning Mattie assumed that Mac was better at handling her and therefore both Elena and Mac got to sleep more when Elena was with Mac. It wasn't until Mac had explained her situation to him that he had been able to change anything to the better. Mac had also told him that she thought one of the reasons why she had a hard time asking him to do more was that when she had told him about Elena's existence she had said she would do it alone and now she had realized that she couldn't. From this they had both learned something. Mac had learned not to expect that anyone else understood her situation unless she explained it and asked for help with it. Sturgis had learned that with Mac he couldn't assume that everything was OK just because she wasn't telling him it wasn't. If they both approached things this way, their relationship as parent would work a lot better than it had.  
  
As soon as Harm and Mac had signed the lease contract they had told the admiral about their new living arrangements. He hadn't seemed surprised at all. He had asked if they were planning on making it permanent and Harm had told him that both of their names would be on the contract. Back in Harm's office Mac had explained to him what the admiral had meant. Earlier the same week Mac had talked to him about her workload and the admiral now also had a solution for her. In a month she was getting a transfer out of JAG, but she wasn't going very far. She was going to run legal assistance, in the same building as the HQ was. Because of her work as Chief of Staff she had already been considered for this post before she had expressed any wish to leave JAG.  
  
There were many advantages to this new job. This would put her out of Admiral Chegwidden's chain of command and even if this new job would be busy too, she wouldn't have to travel as much as she did now. The admiral had however warned her that on occasions she might be TAD to JAG to work on certain cases. Mac was glad that she was getting a job that was less time demanding, but still challenging and looked forward to staring it. It wasn't even a step down on her career path, but that didn't seem so important to her right now.  
  
"Harm, did you hear anything I said?" Mac asked Harm slightly aggravated. The two of them had had very few arguments since they had had that chat back in July. Since they hadn't had a lot of cases together there was no cause to fight over a case and in their relationship so far they had been able to always talk the issues out before they broke out to fights. But that was just so far.  
  
"I heard you loud and clear," Harm answered and slammed the door of the refrigerator shut. It didn't make a loud bang as he had wanted to. Doors of refrigerators rarely do.  
  
"Yeah," Mac stepped up close to Harm challenging him.  
  
"Yeah," Harm wasn't backing away from the fight either.  
  
"And you see my point in this?"  
  
"No," he said and looked her in the eyes "I really don't."  
  
Harm put some distance between them and grabbed his jacket off the chair where he had slung it when he had entered.  
  
"That's it. You're going to just leave?" Mac was really upset with him now. Somehow a lot of built up small fights, that they hadn't had in the last couple of months wanted to relieve themselves now and it was making Mac even angrier to see that Harm wasn't going to let them.  
  
"We forgot the tomatoes," Harm mumbled irritated.  
  
"And that's my fault?" Mac was drawing at the last straw trying to pick a fight now.  
  
"As a matter of fact it is," Harm said and smiled at the memory of standing in the vegetable department and suddenly unprovoked being assaulted by a female marine. Mac remembered it too, but she wasn't going to give in just like that.  
  
"Get out of here," she said in a tone, which didn't suit the smile on her face.  
  
Harm did as he had been told and went out the door.  
  
It was starting to get late and Mac decided to go and check if Mattie had started thinking about getting to bed.  
  
"Did you finish your homework?" Mac peeked her head into Mattie's room. Mattie was lying on top of the bed, reading a book.  
  
"I was stuck. I'll finish it tomorrow," Mattie said and put the book away.  
  
"Why didn't you ask us for help? We've been home for some time now."  
  
"I know I heard you, but... you were kind of busy out there."  
  
"You're bothered by us fighting?" Mac sat down on the bed beside Mattie. Mattie didn't answer and just sat up and looked a bit guilty.  
  
"Did your parents fight a lot?" Mac asked carefully. Mattie seldom shared anything about her life prior to coming to live with Mac. Mac hadn't shared a lot about her past either and she was now wondering if maybe she should have done so more.  
  
"Is Harm coming back?" Mattie had nodded in response of Mac's question.  
  
"Oh honey, of course he is. I'm so sorry we didn't mean to scare you," Mac had put her arms around Mattie and pulled her into a hug. At previous occasions Mattie had always redrawn from her when she had touched her, but this time she put her arms around Mac as well. "Harm and I used to fight a lot more before and I think we just need to adjust to this new situation. Living together is going to be tough at times. For all of us. In the end though I think things will be better so or rather I'm quite sure it will."  
  
"I guess I overreacted," Mattie apologized. Mac seemed so upset with herself and Mattie didn't want to be the cause of that. Mattie started to cry and for once it didn't seem so bad to let someone see her cry.  
  
"I understand why you would. I probably would have to in your place. My parents fought a lot too and it never ended happily. It would get physical and that scars you too. When I first got to know Harm I always saw it in black or white. Either you were friends or you were fighting, but he taught me it isn't always like that. At first it was just in the courtroom, but it works in other places too. It's OK to fight as long as you always know that you are going to make up, that you will still be friends afterwards."  
  
Mac kept Mattie in her arms until she had calmed down, then Mac let her go.  
  
"Mattie, I can't promise you not to fight with Harm. It's something you'll have to live with. However you should know that we would never do anything to deliberately hurt each other, you or Elena. If you ask us for help we will always be able put those fights aside. Always. I can promise you that."  
  
They both heard the door being opened and soon again closed. Mattie started to quickly brush her tears away. Mac took her hand and got up from the bed and pulled her out in the living room. There were no reassurances that were as powerful as actually seeing that everything was going to be OK.  
  
"Hey, what's wrong?" Harm asked worriedly when he caught sight of Mac and Mattie. Mattie hadn't managed to hide her red swollen eyes even if she had wiped away the tears.  
  
"We just need a little group hug," Mac said. She would tell him the whole story later.  
  
"That's not so hard to fix," he said and embraced them both with his long arms.  
  
"I'm such a baby," Mattie said when the tears started to fall down her cheeks again.  
  
"Yes, you are," Mac said and started tickling her side. Mattie squealed for a bit, but Harm wouldn't let her go so she was stuck where she was for the moment. Mattie started tickling them as counterattack and now they finally let go of her. She decided that a retreat was the best thing to do now and she rushed over to the bathroom to get ready for bed.  
  
"She's precious our baby," Mac stated.  
  
"That she is," Harm agreed with her.  
  
TBC 


	23. Christmas Spirit

Part 23: Christmas Spirit  
  
December 16th 2003  
  
"Mattie, are you ready to go?" Mac asked Mattie popping her head into her room. Together Harm and Mac had convinced her to where a dress for the hearing, but it was still under some protesting she was doing it. "I don't think the judge will be very impressed if we're late. Harm." Mac returned to her own bedroom to make sure Harm was ready too.  
  
Ten minutes later they were sitting in the car on their way to family court. All three of them were extremely nervous and from time to time they would say something trying to comfort each other and reassure that everything was going to be fine.  
  
"It's going to be tougher now, isn't it?" Mattie finally asked. She was so angry with her father for having returned at this particular time and she felt like he was trying to take away all of the safety she had found in her new family.  
  
Mac turned around in her seat so she could look directly at Mattie.  
  
"Mattie, you know that our motive in this is to keep you safe and happy, right. We only want what's best for you. At least that's the biggest part of it. The part that has to decide our actions concerning you. There's also a big part in my heart and in Harm's too, which just wants to keep you, have you with us. At this point I still think that you're better off with us, but eventually, if your father keeps up his rehab and stays sober, it might be better for you to go back and stay with him. You'll need to learn a way to forgive him."  
  
Mattie looked at her disbelieving, but she didn't argue with Mac about it since they had already, both before her father had returned and after, discussed this with her. She couldn't see herself ever forgiving him or wanting to stay with him, but since Mac spoke from her own experiences there had to be some truth to what she was saying.  
  
Outside the courtroom where it was all going to be decided Sturgis was already waiting for them. He had promised to vouch for them as parents, since he knew them both well and also was the one who had seen most of what kind of parents they were.  
  
The hearing was over for this time and none of the people involved emerged from the courtroom really pleased. The hearing had consisted of going through home inspection reports, statements from people who knew Mr. Johnson, Harm and Mac, they had all told the judge of their reasons for wanting Mattie and Mattie had been allowed to say where she wanted to stay. The judge had seemed impressed with how Mac and Harm wanted to encourage Mattie to create a new relationship to her father, but she had been reluctant to take custody away from her biological father even if it was just temporary. His decision had been to postpone a definite decision until a month from this date. In the meantime Mattie was going to stay with Mac and Harm, but she was going to spend Christmas with her father.  
  
Mattie was not thrilled at all and wouldn't even look at her father. Mac tried to put an arm on her shoulders and talk to her to calm her fuming anger, but it made no difference. Sturgis and Harm had to go in to the office, but Mac, who wasn't getting any new cases at the moment because of her transfer, had gotten the whole day off from work, Together the two of them went home. Mattie wasn't showing a lot of hope that she was going to be allowed to stay with Harm and Mac and Mac, if she was going to be honest, couldn't give her much of it either. She knew that as long as her father stayed sober the next month the judge would probably have Mattie move to him. However as a sober alcoholic she also knew that it was going to be tough for him to stay sober and create a new life, not just for the next month, but for the rest of his life.  
  
December 24th 2003  
  
Harm, Mac and Mattie were sitting together in church listening to Chaplain Turner's sermon. Mattie's father had agreed to let Mattie go with Harm and Mac to the annual Christmas party at the Roberts' place and then to church. Tiner and Mikey had stayed behind with the children. Mac who had witnessed Tiner's skills with babies in person had given him a crash-course in child- care, but since Mikey was also going to be there she was quite calm about it. Thoughts about Elena weren't what were occupying either her, Harm or Mattie's heads at the moment. As soon as church was over Mattie was going to be picked up by her father and none of them were especially looking forward to it.  
  
Church was over and the group of three was slowly walking outside. Standing in front of the church they stopped. They saw Mattie's father sitting in his car.  
  
"I'll see you in a couple of days," Mattie said. She didn't want a drawn out emotional goodbye, so she tried to smile before she turned around and walked towards her father.  
  
"Mattie," Mac said and pulled her into her arms. "I love you. If there is any problem at all you have to call us," she encouraged her firmly. 'If he hurts her...' both she and Harm thought to themselves silently.  
  
"See you soon, Mattie," Harm said, he had put a calming hand on Mac's shoulder, and Mattie once again turned around and started to walk in the direction of her father.  
  
"I'll see you back at home later?" Mac half asked half stated.  
  
"Yeah," Harm said and went over to his own car. He was as usual going over to the wall and visit with his father.  
  
They were both fighting hard to keep the tears in. If this was hard, how was it going to be when she was really going back to her father? Saying that they would let her go and really doing it were two completely different things.  
  
Mattie had arrived at the car and was climbing into it. Even if it wouldn't change anything, Mac decided to go over to the car and talk to Mr. Johnson.  
  
When she approached the car Mattie rolled down the window. She thought Mac had come over to remind her of something she had forgotten.  
  
"Mattie, can you wait outside for a while? I want to talk to your father, if that's all right with you that is, Mr. Johnson?"  
  
"Yes," he said a bit nervously and Mattie got out of the car and walked away so she was outside hearing range.  
  
Less than twenty minutes later Mac and Mattie were riding in her car towards the wall where Harm would probably still be.  
  
"What did you tell him that made him let me go with you?"  
  
"I reminded him that he still had a long way to go both with himself and with his relationship to you. I guess, he realized that forcing you to live with him was only going to push you further away."  
  
"And he's going to let me stay with you forever?" Mattie asked.  
  
"Well, you'll be allowed to stay with us for as long as you want to, at least as far as we're concerned, but you'll still have to work on getting to know him again and maybe you'll want to move back in with him," Mac told her.  
  
"Never," Mattie stated positively.  
  
"Never say never." Mac could see how much good it seemed to have done Mattie to know where she was going to stay and that she had some control over for how long. Mac parked the car next to Harm's and together they walked towards the place where Mac knew Harm would be.  
  
"Hey, what are you..." Harm said as he turned around and saw Mac and Mattie coming towards him.  
  
"You're my guardians," Mattie said and walked the last step up to Harm and hugged him. "Mac talked to my father and he'll let me stay with you until I want to go back to him."  
  
Both Harm and Mac heard that this to her meant she was staying with them forever.  
  
"You're incredible," Harm said and reached out to Mac so she would also join in the hug.  
  
"Let's go pick up Elena. I think this calls for a family celebration," Harm said and Mattie and Mac just smiled in agreement.  
  
TBC 


	24. New Job and Diamonds

AN: With ten parts left, we can start the countdown to the end of this story. I want to thank all of the reviewers who have stuck with me so far. It means more than you think. The greatest thanks of them all to Cria and TZ for betareading.  
  
Part 24: New Job and Diamonds  
  
January 7th 2004  
  
"Ma'am, how are things downstairs?" Bud asked Mac.  
  
They were sitting in the cafeteria, but Bud was referring to the legal assistance office downstairs from JAG HQ.  
  
"I think the admiral forgot to mention that they've been without an efficient leader there for a while..." Mac started. Her new office had really been somewhat of a mess, even compared to what her old had sometimes looked like. "No, it's actually quite OK and on Monday I get one more lieutenant, who will help with the administration, so I'll have time to take cases from JAG too at times."  
  
The new job had actually worked out pretty well and Mac enjoyed being so close to her old co-workers, but still having new kinds of challenges to face.  
  
"Did you see the picture the people from the USO show sent Harriet?"  
  
"No, but I heard she did a wonderful job."  
  
"She did, but I think we're both very happy it's over."  
  
"It's been tough on you," Mac said.  
  
"Yeah. AJ has started acting out a lot too. That's why she had to go to his field trip."  
  
"Being a parent is a fulltime job."  
  
"Definitely. I'm sure it will work itself out somehow. You seem to be doing better in that department than you were this fall. Was it for the children's sake that you transferred?"  
  
"I needed to keep my sanity... Why?"  
  
"Nothing," Bud said not too convincing.  
  
"Bud,"Mac encouraged him. She didn't want to use rank to get the information out.  
  
"There was a rumor that the Commander had proposed, but it seems like that wasn't true."  
  
"Not that I know, no," Mac confirmed "I don't think we'll ever do anything in our relationship conventionally."  
  
"As long as it works for you," Bud said. His friends seemed happy and that made him happy too.  
  
"It does."  
  
Later the same day Harm stepped up to Mac who was crossing the bullpen.  
  
"What were you doing in with the admiral?" he asked her curiously. He knew that she was busy downstairs so that it probably would be some time until she could go TAD to JAG.  
  
"He needed some help with a diamond-problem."  
  
"You know anything about those?"  
  
"Well, I learnt some things before going to Paraguay. Remember that was my cover-story, that I was a diamond-expert."  
  
"Right," Harm remembered her telling him about that at some point. "So could you help him with his problem?"  
  
"I know someone who can..." Mac trailed off. "By the way Mattie called. The school was OK, the teachers were OK, the classes were OK and guess what she said about her new classmates."  
  
"They're OK?" Harm asked.  
  
"You've got it. Seriously though I think it will do her good to be able to start new there. I mean when she started school in October there were so many other things to complicate. She didn't know us and she still had a lot of schoolwork to catch up on."  
  
"I'll see you later," Harm said as they had arrived by the elevator and Mac got on it.  
  
"See you."  
  
That same night Mattie, Mac and Harm sat on the couch exhausted.  
  
"I'm so glad you decided to move to an apartment and not to a house," Mattie said and sighed.  
  
"Why is that?" Mac asked.  
  
"Just imagine what it would have been like if we had a whole house to decorate and furnish," she said and Harm and Mac laughed at that.  
  
"I guess you're right," Harm agreed with her.  
  
"Well, we're done now," Mac said.  
  
"For this time," Harm interjected.  
  
"I'm not moving again," Mattie said quite firmly.  
  
"I always planned to buy a house if I got married," Harm admitted.  
  
"So when are you going to make Mac Mrs. Harm? Should I start packing again?" she asked mischievously.  
  
Harm and Mac looked at each other. Mac had thought Harm would look like a deer caught in the headlight, but he seemed more at ease then she had thought. She still thought it was a good thing to let him off the hook though.  
  
"I think we can safely put those boxes away. We won't be moving any time soon."  
  
Harm didn't say anything about it, but Mattie didn't think Harm was as scared by the thought as Mac did.  
  
January 8th 2004  
  
The next night Harm and Mac were working in the new office in their apartment. Harm had been assigned to prosecute the lieutenant who had sold the diamond of the admiral' fiancée Meredith's engagement ring. They suspected that they were dealing with blood diamonds, diamonds that were used to pay for wars in Africa. Mac wasn't officially assigned to the case, but Harm had asked her to help since she had both useful contacts for and own knowledge about the case already.  
  
Mac had already been in contact with the CIA-expert that had trained her for her cover in Paraguay. So far she hadn't been able to obtain a lot of information that way, but they hoped that the trial would reveal more things.  
  
January 10th 2004  
  
All the friends from JAG were gathered in Harm and Mac's new apartment for the housewarming party. The admiral had show up alone, since Meredith was out eating dinner with a colleague of hers.  
  
"I'm sure Meredith will realize that it is the sentiment in which the ring was given and not the source of the diamond that is really important," Mac dared to suggest as she found the admiral standing alone a little bit outside the group of guests.  
  
"You think so," the admiral said wondering how she had known what was on his mind.  
  
"It's a very romantic gesture. Some men don't even get that right."  
  
"Rabb's not doing what he ought to?" he asked her.  
  
"I wasn't talking from personal experience, sir. Especially not from any recent ones," Mac said quite firmly.  
  
Later that night Mac and Harm had finally finished cleaning up after the party and were climbing into bed.  
  
"Harm, have you noticed how everyone seems to think that I want you to propose to me?" Mac asked him as they lay in bed facing each other.  
  
"I've picked up some of that yes," he said calmly.  
  
"I don't want you to," Mac said and than she realized how he might take that and quickly added "I mean I want to marry you at some point, but..." she didn't know how to put her thoughts into words.  
  
"We just fought so long to get to where we are now that you want to stay like this for a while and enjoy what we have," he said.  
  
"Is there anything wrong with that?" Mac asked him. He had said it like he meant it too, but she wasn't completely sure.  
  
"No. I feel the same way."  
  
"I'm glad we're on the same page," Mac said and smiled at him.  
  
"You know what else I would like to enjoy?" he asked suggestively and moved closer to kiss her.  
  
"No what?" she asked not really clueless at all.  
  
"Our apartment," he said and Mac's facial expression turned clueless "and the fact that Elena and Mattie both have their own rooms on the other side of it."  
  
Mac agreed that that was definitely something you could enjoy.  
  
January 14th 2004  
  
A few days later the diamond case was wrapped up, much thanks to a file Mac was given from a CIA-agent. Mac had watched some parts of the trial and they had now returned home to their apartment.  
  
"That felt almost like the old times, didn't it?"  
  
"Well, I never felt this much like your marionette when we were assigned the same cases," Harm said mischievously.  
  
"Oh really," Mac said and softly boxed him in his side.  
  
They had gotten to their floor and knocked on the door.  
  
"Hey Mac and Harm," Mattie said when she had pulled off the safety chain and opened the door.  
  
"Mattie it's really good that you remembered to put the safety chain on, but you need to check who's out here first," Harm started a bit upset with her "And you absolutely cannot answer the door in your underwear," he added when he saw what Mattie was wearing "Mac, help me out here!" he burst out looking at Mac helplessly.  
  
"You seem to be doing pretty well on your own there, dad," Mac refused to but in.  
  
This time it was Mattie's turn to look helplessly at Mac.  
  
TBC 


	25. Being Away Can Make You Want To Go Home

Part 25: Being Away Can Make You Want To Go Home  
  
January 30th 2004  
  
Mac and Harm were sitting in the room between their two hotel rooms. Despite the fact that them living together was on the records, they had been assigned separate rooms on the hotel in Hague. They were together with Bud there to defend the Secnav against charges of war crimes in the ICC.  
  
They had wanted the best defense team the Navy had and the Secnav had decided he wanted the two of them despite their personal relationship. Mac and Harm would probably have enjoyed officially working together, but under these circumstances the pressure was taking all the enjoyment out of it.  
  
"You never told me how Sturgis reacted to the fact that you got to go and he had to stay in Washington even though you're not really at JAG anymore," Harm suddenly asked her looking up from the file he was reading.  
  
"He took it well I guess..." Mac said. Mac had of course felt very honored and appreciated for being assigned this case, but she also thought that it was hard to be away from her daughter for so long, especially when she didn't know for how long it would last. She highly doubted that Sturgis was the one who was more envious of the other.  
  
There was a knock on the door and Mac got up to let Bud in.  
  
"Ma'am, sir, something's happened," he started off obviously very upset.  
  
"What's wrong Bud?" Harm asked "Something wrong with Harriet or the children?"  
  
"AJ's lost. Mikey lost him. I... Permission to return home?" Bud had a hard time to make long coherent sentences.  
  
"Permission granted," Harm answered him quickly. Mac felt for Bud. She had been in his situation and the fear bubbled up again making her unable to utter anything.  
  
As soon as Harm had said that Bud rushed out of the room to try and catch the next flight back to the States.  
  
Harm and Mac just looked at each other their fright mirrored in the other's eyes. Without exchanging a word they went and picked up their respective phones to call home and check on their children.  
  
February 5th 2004  
  
Finally Mac was back home from Hague. She and Harm had arrived in DC at lunchtime and whereas she had been able to go pick up Elena from daycare early and go home Harm had been forced to go to the office first. He was hoping to at least be able to get off so early that he could go and pick up Mattie from school.  
  
Mac entered the apartment a bit worried what she was going to find. Mattie didn't know yet that they were coming home today, since it had been a pretty quick decision and maybe the apartment wouldn't be as presentable as she was used to. She was positively surprised. Jennifer Coates had promised to come by the apartment every evening after work to make sure Mattie was OK, but whether that was the reason for the apartments current state or if Mattie actually would have done all right on her own Mac didn't think more about. The whole point of them taking over guardianship on her was for her to be allowed to be more of child with less responsibility than she had had when she lived alone and she had felt a little guilty about leaving her alone for that long.  
  
She didn't bother to unpack yet and just put her suitcase in her bedroom and carried Elena in to her room, sat down on the floor and started playing and talking to her. 'It's wonderful to be back home,' she thought, but her playtime was interrupted by a knock on the door. She wondered who it could be and went up to go and open up.  
  
"Bud," she said a bit confused. It wasn't like him to come to their apartment unannounced like that. He must really have something important to say.  
  
"Ma'am," he said, but then backpedaled "I'm sorry. I shouldn't interrupt you when you've just come back. I'll see you at work on Monday." He started to turn around, but before he had a chance he was stopped by Mac.  
  
"Lieutenant, you better come back here now," she ordered him. Whatever it was, it was obviously so important to him that he had rushed over here to talk to her as soon as he learned that they were back. He wasn't getting away now.  
  
Mac led the way to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee.  
  
"Bud, what did you want?" She had sat Elena down in her chair and was sitting on a chair opposite Bud.  
  
"Ma'am, I don't know. I needed to talk to someone and I knew you'd understand."  
  
"Bud, please call me Mac," she said first. "It's up to you if you want to talk and say what's bothering you, but I will be here and I will listen."  
  
Bud still didn't say anything for a while, just trying to come up with a place to start.  
  
"When I found out that AJ had been found, at first I just felt relieved. I had my boy back and then I got so angry with Mikey for loosing him. I said things I promised I'd never say to him or my sons or anyone for that matter. I don't know what got in to me."  
  
"Well, you thought someone was trying to hurt your son, so you got angry only there was no one who had tried to hurt him and you still needed to take it out on someone," Mac suggested.  
  
"Mikey will never be able to trust me again."  
  
"Yes, he will," Mac tried to reassure him. "He's family and he loves you. Have you talked to him?"  
  
"No, I can't get in contact with him. I want to apologize. Explain," Bud had been close to tears ever since he had sat down at the table and now the tears started falling.  
  
"Oh, Bud..." Mac moved closer and gave him a hug. "It will be all right. He'll understand and he'll forgive you regardless of what you said."  
  
"And if he doesn't... I always felt so responsible for him and now I think he feels like I've turned my back on him," he sighed "Ma'am, I'm sorry. I don't have a right bothering you with this. I wasn't there for you last year..."  
  
"What do you mean, Bud. You were always there... I know you had doubts about me, but in the end you were still my friend. And you were Sturgis and Harm's friend to. It was a difficult situation for all of us, but we pulled through. Don't feel guilty about what happened back them. It's over and done with, OK?"  
  
"Yes, ma'am," Bud said. Maybe he hadn't gotten further to resolve everything with Mikey yet, but he felt a lot more optimistic of doing that now after talking to Mac. He didn't know when this had happened, but somewhere during the time since she had returned with her daughter he had grown a different relationship with Mac. He felt that he could talk with her in a way that he had never before. She never judged him and he would always feel better after talking to her. He thought that she didn't get as much out of their talks as he did, but that was far from the truth. Mac felt at least as good after one of their talks as he did.  
  
"I better go home now," Bud said "I planned to go and pick up AJ and spend some time with him. I don't know him at all as well as I used to. I don't know what happened, what made me so busy I couldn't spend time with him. He really needs someone who's there for him and gives him positive attention. I never wanted my son to get so little attention that he had to act out to get it. Somewhere it just went bad and we have a lot to make up for."  
  
"You'll get through this too," Mac said with the outmost confidence "Come back whenever you need to talk."  
  
"Thank you," he said and put his cup in the sink "for everything:"  
  
"I know, Bud. I know."  
  
TBC 


	26. A Ghost From The Past Is Back

AN: As you will see there are some definite differences between the show and the next three parts. I hope you will still like it. These are also the last parts that are based on episodes so even if you want to stay spoiler free you don't have to worry about reading the end of this 'season'. As always thanks to everyone who sends me such nice comments about the story. They mean so much. Many thanks to my betareaders TZ and Cria too!  
  
Part 26: A Ghost From The Past Is Back  
  
February 11th 2004  
  
Mac had a strange feeling as she walked up the stairs to the apartment. Something wasn't right and it was more than just Harm being in the hospital. The battery of his car had exploded and it had left him temporarily deaf. He was going to stay in the hospital over night, but tomorrow he would be allowed to go home.  
  
It was something else that felt wrong. She didn't even bother to knock on the door and have Mattie come and take off the safety chain. She just opened the door and was greeted by some strange middle-eastern music. For some reason she was sure that the music didn't belong to Mattie.  
  
The phone rang and she answered it. A voice she hadn't heard in a long time and had tried hard to forget greeted her in Farsi.  
  
"I prefer to speak English," she said. She was positive that the music had come from this person as well and that meant that he had been in the apartment probably at the same time as her girls were there.  
  
"Where are you?" she asked seconds later.  
  
"If you ever get close to them again..." Mac said gritting her teeth.  
  
"Who was that?" Mattie asked coming out of her room carrying Elena on her hip. She had heard the phone ring, but Mac had gotten it first.  
  
"Just someone with the wrong number," Mac said "You didn't put on that CD, did you?" she asked walking up to the CD-player and getting the CD out careful not to touch it.  
  
"I just listened to the radio in my room," Mattie said quite alarmed by Mac's peculiar behavior. "How's Harm?"  
  
"Fine," Mac answered shortly. "Come on gather the things you and Elena will need for tomorrow. You're staying with Harriet and Bud tonight."  
  
"But Harriet just brought her over here," Mattie protested. Since Sturgis was out of town on assignment and Mac had taken Harm to the hospital, Harriet had gotten Elena from daycare and left her with Mattie to baby-sit.  
  
"Just do it, Mattie," Mac said strictly and picked up the phone.  
  
Mattie heard that the first call she made was to Harriet declaring that there was an emergency and asking if her girls could spend the night at their house. From what Mattie understood Harriet had agreed to that. The next call Mattie couldn't make much of. She didn't know to who it was, but Mac apparently wanted to meet this person in half an hour at his house.  
  
"Mac are you sure everything is fine with Harm?" Mattie wondered as they drove towards the Roberts' house. She wondered if the reason for the change of plans was that Harm was worse off than Mac had told her.  
  
"Everything is fine. There's just something I really need to take care of now and I thought it was better for you both to stay here. Everything will be just fine," she kept repeating the last phrase over and over in her head.  
  
Mattie wasn't especially relieved, but she understood that Mac wasn't going to tell her anything more.  
  
*****************************  
  
Before Mac knocked on the door it was opened by Clayton Webb.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me he was here?" she asked him angrily. Webb dragged her into the apartment so he could close the door.  
  
"I didn't know he was here," he explained calmly. "Not until you called."  
  
"But you knew that he was still free, that he could still come after us. Why didn't you tell me? This whole time I've believed that those other operatives got him, one way or another." Mac was very upset with him right now.  
  
"You never asked. I didn't think you'd want to know that we didn't and I saw no reason to tell you."  
  
"No reason. He was in our apartment when my children were there... You are just too much sometimes," Mac said frustrated and angry.  
  
"There were nothing pointing in the direction that he was going to come after you, Mac," Webb said to defend himself. "Can you just calm down and I will explain what happened in Paraguay after we left."  
  
Mac didn't want to calm down, but she realized that if she wanted any more information she would have to do so. She sat down and listened as Webb explained how Sadiq had gotten away from the agents in Paraguay and since he was so good at disguises they hadn't found him yet. In fact they had had no idea that he was in America at all. There were leads after his brother being somewhere in Iran and they were hoping to be able to arrest him soon. No matter what he said to her and even though she still felt a deep gratitude towards him for what he had done for her and her daughter in Paraguay, she was still upset and angry with him.  
  
February 13th 2004  
  
She was so grateful that at least she knew that her family was safe at the Roberts' house. She kept reminding herself of that. Right now she was in the apartment of Sadiq Fahd. She had been forced with a gun pointed at her to the apartment and she was currently trying to get him to reveal where he had hidden the bomb that he was threatening the nightclub close by with. There were many young people gathered and she wanted to keep them safe someway.  
  
Slowly the anger against him was getting to her. He tried to provoke her and talked to her like he knew everything about her. Appealing to her Persian heritage, meaning that she should be one of them. He had admitted to being responsible for the battery explosion and that was almost enough for Mac to lose her control and take all of her anger out on him.  
  
She had already figured out that he was going to say something about her daughter and she had been right. He had called her a bastard and worse. The insults he throw at her was bad, but she could survive them. It was insulting her baby that got the better out of her.  
  
Suddenly Sadiq was startled by the sirens coming from the streets outside. He looked questioning at her. She started pulling out the wire she had had under her clothes. She could see how angry he got from this. He had really thought that she had come there alone. He swung out at her and she did the best she could to defend herself.  
  
"My baby's not a bastard," She screamed at him "I'm a good mother and I'm not a whore," she continued.  
  
And then he was lying on the floor, his gun slightly out of reach. She still had her gun in her hands and she pointed at the arm closest to the gun.  
  
"This is for Harm," she said as she pulled the trigger the first time. "And this is for even getting close to my girls," she pulled the trigger a second time this time pointing the gun at his head. The bullet hit and the man was dead right away. Seconds later the apartment was filled with people in uniforms. Also Webb entered the apartment and came over to Mac.  
  
"I'm sorry you can't use him for information," she said to him.  
  
"You did good, Mac. You did good," He tried to reassure her. He had been listening to the whole conversation between her and Sadiq. "Go wait outside and I'll come and take you to debriefing and then home to your girls and Harm."  
  
Mac smiled at him with relief, knowing that that man would never hurt anyone she loved again. She started walking toward the door and mumbled to herself.  
  
"I'm not sorry."  
  
TBC 


	27. Staring Into The Bottle, The Glass Is Ha...

Part 27: Staring Into The Bottle, The Glass Is Half-Empty  
  
February 19th 2004  
  
Harm woke up from a crash coming from the kitchen. His hearing was restored to normal again and had been so for some days now. He noticed that Mac wasn't lying in bed next to him. He quickly got up from the bed to go and check what was wrong. Mattie had also been woken up by the crash and came out from her room at the other side of the living room. Harm whispered to her to go back to bed and sleep. Luckily Elena had remained sleeping.  
  
"Mac?" he asked as he entered the kitchen. He was immediately attacked by the stunk of vodka. The only thought that entered his mind was 'God, please no'. He didn't want Mac to have to deal with another fall off the wagon on top of the whole Sadiq-mess.  
  
The broken glass and the liquor lay right inside the door and Harm had to step carefully around it. Mac was sitting on the floor, leaning against the kitchen cupboard. Her knees were pulled up close to her body and she had buried her head in them.  
  
"Mac?" he tried again, but she still wasn't reacting to him. In the week since the killing of Sadiq he had tried to support her, talk to her and comfort her, but he hadn't felt like he would get through to her. She had been to a debriefing at the CIA and Harm had convinced her to go back to the therapist she had seen after Paraguay, but that hadn't caused her to do much progress yet. He sat down beside her so close to her that they were touching. Mac reacted by moving a bit away from him.  
  
"What can I do for you?" he asked her desperately. He just wished she would tell him what to do.  
  
"Nothing," she whispered still not looking up at him.  
  
"Have you been drinking?"  
  
Mac just shook her head no. She had poured herself the drink, but at least she had thrown it away instead of drinking it.  
  
"But you bought the bottle?" he motioned towards the bottle standing on the kitchen table. He knew that must be so. He never kept alcohol at home anymore. When they went out to eat he would often order a glass of wine or a beer, but he never had anything around the apartment. She had once told him that she didn't mind him drinking around her and she hadn't said anything to mean that that had changed since they had gotten together. He just felt like it would be disrespectful to her if he did.  
  
She nodded her head. She couldn't remember getting into the liquor store, but when she had found herself at the counter she had gone ahead and bought it.  
  
"Oh Mac," he got out, his voice was filled with despair, he couldn't understand why they were forced to go through so much suffering. He once again moved closer to her and tried to put an arm around her. Mac's reaction was to get up from the floor.  
  
"Mac, why won't you let me touch you?" he asked as he got up too and stood right in front of her holding his hands out to her, but not trying to actually touch her again. "You haven't let me touch you for a week."  
  
"Is that what this is about? You just want to have sex with me. That's all you want with me,"Mac accused him angrily.  
  
"You know that isn't true."  
  
Her right hand flew to her mouth in regret of what she had said in anger. She didn't want to push him away, but she knew no way to reach out to him properly.  
  
Without thinking about her earlier protests, he wrapped his long, strong arms around her and didn't let her get away despite her struggles at first. Soon she started shaking from crying and he just held on to her tighter.  
  
"I think you want me here," he said "I think you want me to help you. That that's why you threw that glass at the door, because you knew that I would come to you. I will be there for you, Mac. Always and forever, we will face our problems together. That was the plan and I'm sticking to it."  
  
It took a lot of time until Mac had calmed down enough to talk.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Harm. So sorry," she whispered into his chest so that it was barely audible to him.  
  
"It's OK, Mac. Everything will be OK," he comforted her and pulled her with him as he sat down on one of the kitchen chairs with her on his lap, his arms still securely wrapped around her body. She sat so angled that he could see her face.  
  
"What's the worst about this?" he asked her. He had some ideas, but wanted her to tell him in her own words.  
  
"I killed him. He was down when I killed him and I didn't feel sorry..."  
  
"Of course you didn't."  
  
"But he was down. He didn't have his gun anymore..."  
  
"It is perfectly normal for you to have wanted him dead. He was partly responsible for kidnapping your daughter, he held you captive, you had to see him hurt a close friend of yours and then he comes back and threatens your children, our girls. Of course you wanted him dead. There's no way you could have stayed objective about this. It was in defense, Mac, that's what the CIA called it."  
  
"It was just charity on their part," she told him "I don't hold much for their morals, but I know that you, Harm, you wouldn't have killed him. Not like that."  
  
"I would have done it," he tried to convince her "As soon as I heard that he had broken in here, I wanted to do it. I hated not being able to be here for you when it happened. I hated that you had to go through this alone." He sat quiet for a while remembering the similarities to the situation last May, where she had needed the help of Webb to keep her child safe, when Harm and Sturgis were one way or an other unable to do so. He couldn't believe that it had had to happen again. At least he could be here for her now and deal with the aftermath together with her.  
  
"When I shot him. It felt good," Mac admitted as much to herself as to him.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because it was revenge and because I knew that I would never have to worry about him again."  
  
"And I'm glad we don't."  
  
They sat silent for a while again. Mac almost fell asleep and Harm considered letting her do so and then carry her back to bed. Mac however was wide-awake again when her eyes fell on the bottle of vodka that was still standing on the kitchen table.  
  
"I was so close to drinking again. So very close."  
  
"But you didn't and that's what's important."  
  
"But what if I had."  
  
"Then you would have restarted with sobriety tomorrow."  
  
"You really think I would have been able to do that," Mac said. She wasn't at all sure about that herself.  
  
"I know you better than anyone else. You would have started all over tomorrow. You're not a quitter, you're a survivor."  
  
Mac leaned her head back on Harm's shoulder.  
  
"I love you so so very much, Harm," she said and thought that he would never understand the dept of her feelings.  
  
"I love you too," Harm answered thinking the same thing.  
  
TBC 


	28. Reconciling and Forgiving, It’s A Hard A...

Part 28: Reconciling and Forgiving, It's A Hard Art  
  
February 20th 2004  
  
"You remember that your father will be here tonight at 1830, right?" Harm reminded Mattie the next morning at the breakfast table.  
  
"Yeah, yeah," she answered not very enthusiastically.  
  
Harm and Mac decided to not argue with her about her attitude right at that moment, They'd give her a chance to behave tonight and if it didn't work out then they'd try again.  
  
Mattie hadn't asked what had happened last night. She had heard Mac crying and she assumed that it had something to do with what had happened last week. No details had been shared with Mattie, so all she knew was that Mac had killed a man and they didn't have to worry about him any more. She had sensed a small smell of alcohol when she walked into the kitchen, but since Mac seemed to be doing much better today than she had the whole week she assumed that it was just her nose playing tricks on her. She was off to school now and since her school bus left before Mac and Harm had to leave for work they remained seated at the table.  
  
"Even though I'm kind of responsible for inviting Mr. Johnson over I'm starting to think just as badly of it as Mattie does," Mac admitted once Mattie was out the door.  
  
"Why is that?"  
  
"Well, you know, when I talked to him I told him that it was going to be hard for him to remain sober and now I almost didn't do that myself. I feel like a hypocrite for that."  
  
The reason they had invited him was partly because they wanted to explain the situation with Sadiq and how he had broken in to the apartment while the girls were there since they morally felt an obligation to tell him about that. The other reason was that Mattie hadn't been contacting him the way they had agreed to and they now felt that they needed to push her into it. It was a delicate balance for them to keep pushing her in the right direction of her father without making her feel like they were pushing her away.  
  
"Mac you were strong and resisted all on your own. That is what counts," Harm said seriously.  
  
"I think I will need some help reminding me of that the next couple of days," she said gratefully.  
  
"As often as you need to, Mac."  
  
After finishing the pizzas that Mattie's father had brought over, they decided to call it quits for this time. The tensions had been horrible and even Elena had noticed and been uneasy the whole time. Harm had offered to drive him home. He was going to tell him about last week's events in the car. Mac and Mattie were cleaning up in the kitchen.  
  
"You need to try harder Mattie," Mac said as she put the last thing away.  
  
"Why? He's the one who screwed everything up. This is not my responsibility," Mattie protested.  
  
"Not everyone is as lucky as you are and get a second chance with their fathers. Forgiving him is the best gift you can give yourself."  
  
"Mac, you always think you know how I feel, but you have no idea. No idea at all," Mattie screamed at her in anger. "My mother wasn't like yours. She didn't want to leave me. He took her away. You just... ah," she said in frustration and left the kitchen. Soon after that the door to her room slammed shut.  
  
February 21st 2004  
  
"Mac, I'm sorry about yesterday. I really am," Mattie said truly apologetic when she emerged for breakfast the next day.  
  
"I know that and you are already forgiven. Harm's off on his morning run. Have some pancakes," Mac said and put a plate in front of her.  
  
"You'll forgive me just like that," Mattie said in disbelief.  
  
"Yeah," Mac simply said.  
  
"But I had no right to say those things. I know you want my best."  
  
"I think there was some truth in them as well though. Our backgrounds are a lot alike, but they're not exactly the same and you aren't the same person with the same feeling as me either. Most of the time I feel that the fact that our childhoods were so much alike is a good thing since it helps me understand you better, but sometimes I get carried away and I want to apologize to you for that."  
  
"I said some pretty nasty things to you though."  
  
"If you'd heard what I said to my mother..."  
  
"But you're not my mother, so you shouldn't have to put up with that from me. You've done so much for me even though you didn't have to."  
  
"I guess you still need to vent sometimes and I actually think it's a good thing you did that. Keeping things locked up inside is never good. There was a time when I would get very defensive when anyone criticized me, especially if that person meant something to me, now I can see beyond what people say and look at the true actions instead. Besides you shouldn't feel like a guest here. You're as much a member of this family as everyone else here and that means you get to scream at us and you get to be screamed at, but most of all it means that we love each other and are there for each other. No matter what."  
  
"Where did you learn to be so smart?"  
  
"Harm has taught me a lot of things... You obviously have to promise to keep that to yourself," Mac joked.  
  
"But he doesn't talk about stuff like that," Mattie interfered still serious.  
  
"He didn't teach me like that. We learned together, by making mistakes and coming back from them. Harm was like family to me long before we were ever a couple. It's hard to explain."  
  
"I like being a part of this family," Mattie said and hugged Mac. It was hard or her to imagine Mac and Harm not being together, even though she knew that they had known her for seven years before they became a couple.  
  
"And we love having you. I still think you'd better work a little on the relationship with your father."  
  
"I'll try," Mattie said and she really meant it.  
  
TBC 


	29. Sailing

Part 29: Sailing  
  
March 13th 2004  
  
Mac didn't get over what had happened with Sadiq just at once, but the next three weeks she moved constantly forward in her recovery with just minor setbacks. Harm had decided to tell Mattie a little more about what had happened so she could understand why Mac at times simply needed to be alone or would react strongly both in anger or in tears. Most of the time though they were able to be a happy family. Mattie had gone to see her father voluntarily a few times. First it had just been to make Mac and Harm happy and relieve them of the worry about her relationship with her father, but after a few times she had also enjoyed the time she spent with him. She hadn't admitted it to anyone yet, but all three adults in her life had seen that she did.  
  
"Your mother called," Mac informed Harm as he walked in with the pizza cartons. Tonight Elena was at Sturgis' and Mattie at a friend's house so they had the evening all to themselves and had decided to do something fun together. It wasn't often that they got to go out or be alone at all, so they planned to enjoy it thoroughly one way or another.  
  
"She wanted me to call her back?" he asked her.  
  
"I think so. She didn't say..." Mac said "She doesn't like me very much, does she?"  
  
"She hardly knows you, how can she have an opinion of you?" Harm said. He really didn't want to get into this discussion with her.  
  
"But still... Do you know why that is?"  
  
"Mac, I don't care what my mother thinks of you. I don't need her approval."  
  
"No, obviously not," she said thoughtfully "I guess I just worried that I was the reason that you talk to her so seldom. I don't want to stand in the way for your relationship with her."  
  
Even though they had been too lazy and tired to cook dinner or go out to restaurant, Mac had still tried to set the table romantically for their dinner with candles and a tablecloth. Harm grabbed on to a pizza slice with his hand, but when he saw Mac's eyes at this he promptly put it back and started eating it with knife and fork.  
  
"Believe me you're not, because she doesn't dislike you," Harm protested against Mac's previous statement.  
  
"I don't think there is any reason for you to argue against that. It's pretty much a fact. I didn't bring this up to argue about or anything I just wondered if you knew why that was."  
  
"Mac, I don't know. I just think she had a vision of what my family was going to look like and since she doesn't know any of you, she thinks this isn't as good as what I could have had," Harm decided to admit. "If she knew how good you are for me she'd change her mind." As long as they were on the subject he decided to bring up something else that was related to this "I was thinking the other day, that maybe we could take the girls with us and go to California this summer. Visit with Mom and Frank and then go sailing for a week or so. What do you think about that?"  
  
"You seriously want to go sailing with me, who's never been on a sailboat my whole life, a one-year-old and not to mention a teenager, who is going to have a serious case of cabin fever after less than an hour with us?"  
  
Harm nodded, but he somehow thought that she wasn't as thrilled with the idea as he was.  
  
"Harm I'm sure sailing is wonderful and all, but I really think that we would regret taking our vacation like that."  
  
"So do you have a better idea?" he asked her with a little mock hurt.  
  
He loved his new family and sharing the responsibility with Mac for it. Despite Sadiq and the aftermaths of his killing he had felt like everything had fallen into place for them. Some times he would wish that he could spend more time with Mac just the two of them like most ordinary new couples got to in the first year of their relationship, but things were never ordinary with the two of them and considering how long it had taken them to get to this point he was happy things were going as fast as they were. He never felt like he was tied down by the responsibilities for the family. It was the family that made it all worth doing and he could hardly remember what it had been like without them.  
  
"Well, we could still go and visit your parents and then spend some time on the beach and maybe try a short trip with a sailboat," Mac suggested.  
  
"Yeah, that could work too," Harm said "Maybe we could get my mom to baby- sit and take a trip just the two of us."  
  
"Just the two of us? Now, that sounds interesting," Mac said. They had both finished their pizzas and wanted to move on to the next activity of the evening.  
  
"You said you'd never been on a sailboat, then maybe we need to start practicing..."  
  
"Sailing?"  
  
"That too."  
  
TBC 


	30. Going To Iceland

AN: Venetia, Iceland is for you (originally it was Alaska ;) Thank you all for the reviews!  
  
Part 30: Going To Iceland  
  
March 31st 2004  
  
"Hey Mac," Harm came to greet her at the door when she got home from work. He had left early from the office first for an interview and then he had visited Chief Defina who he had previously represented. Since Elena was at Sturgis, Mac had decided to stay late at work and try to catch up on some things. Harm came over and tried to kiss her, but she avoided his lips and just held on and hugged him close to her. "Did something happen at work today?"  
  
"Sturgis might be getting a transfer," Mac whispered because she didn't want Mattie to hear about it yet. Harm could hear how upset she was by those news.  
  
"Where?" he asked.  
  
"Iceland."  
  
"Oh," Harm said. "Come on let's go and sit down and talk about this."  
  
They went into their bedroom and Mac sat down on the bed with Harm close to her.  
  
"I know this is part of military life. It just hit me how unsure we can be that Elena really gets all those things that we want to give her. I want to give her all of those things that I never got. Even if we aren't together, she was going to have both of her parents loving her and taking care of her. I'm just so sad that I might not be able to give her those things."  
  
"But you can't help this," Harm tried to comfort her. He had put his arm around her and pulled her close to him. "It isn't even sure that he gets the transfer yet, is it?"  
  
"No, but he might still at a later point or I'll get a transfer... I just don't think I can think logically about this right now. Is it OK if I just indulge myself a little in self-pity?" Mac asked trying to make a joke, but being betrayed by her own voice.  
  
"Yeah, it's perfectly OK," Harm assured her. "You'll just have to eat something first," He said and lifted her up, swung her around in the room and then carried her to the kitchen and to help warm up the dinner for her.  
  
'At least I'll still have him here,' Mac thought.  
  
Even though there might not be anything that Mac could do about it, maybe there was something Harm could do. The next day he was going to see Admiral Chegwidden and see what he thought about his idea. If he agreed Sturgis wouldn't have to leave at all.  
  
TBC  
  
AN: You know, Iceland is a really nice country. Do you think Harm would like it there? 


	31. Who's going?

Part 31: Who's Going?  
  
April 1st 2004  
  
"Sir, I heard you're thinking about transferring Sturgis out of JAG HQ. Possibly to Iceland," Harm asked once he had been let into Admiral Chegwidden's office.  
  
"Well, it's not my idea that's for sure and I haven't given up on keeping him here either. Apparently they seem to think that we should have less senior staff here and bring in some new junior lawyers," the admiral muttered and it was clear that he didn't share this feeling.  
  
"May I request to be considered for the transfer if it has to come to that," Harm asked.  
  
"Why do you want to leave JAG?" the admiral asked quite astound.  
  
"Personal reasons, sir."  
  
"Excuse me for asking, but I thought you and Colonel Mackenzie had worked out your problems."  
  
"We have. That's not the reason for the request," Harm told him.  
  
"Well, either way you won't be considered for the assignment on Iceland, since they specifically asked for someone with knowledge on submarines."  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"Are you interested in another transfer?" the admiral asked.  
  
"Not at this point," Harm answered him. He didn't know if was disappointed or relieved that he couldn't take the position on Iceland.  
  
Harm returned to his office, which was Mac's old one, and got back to work. By lunchtime he stood waiting for the elevator together with Sturgis.  
  
"The admiral told me you were interested in the transfer to Iceland," Sturgis said.  
  
At the same time the elevator had arrived and the doors opened in time for Mac who was standing inside it to hear what Sturgis had said. She looked at Harm for a second and then rushed by the two of them to go to the restroom.  
  
"Mac," Harm said and rushed after her, but it was already to late. Out of the restrooms came Jennifer Coates and Harm asked her if she could go in and ask Mac if she could come out so he could talk to her.  
  
Five minutes later Coates returned and told him that Mac had said that she would talk to him later tonight. Harm didn't give up and still stood outside waiting for her as she emerged from the restroom.  
  
"Mac," he tried.  
  
"Please can't we have this conversation tonight in private?" Mac not so much asked as requested.  
  
"But we are going to talk about it. I can explain," Harm tried.  
  
"Later tonight, OK?" she said and walked past him to return to her office.  
  
"Mac we're going to have to talk about this now," Harm said as they later that evening were getting ready to go to bed. Mattie and Elena were already asleep. Mattie had noticed the tension between them and asked Harm what he had done as he helped her with her homework, but he had just said that he was going to talk to Mac first and tell her about it later.  
  
"So tell me why you want to move to Iceland," Mac finally encouraged him. "If that's what you want to do for your career, I'll support you in that, but I thought we were going to discuss that sort of things together first."  
  
"Mac this has nothing to do with me wanting to better my career. I just... You know yesterday when you told me about Sturgis' possible transfer you said hat you wanted to give her all the things that you never got. Well, I might not be her biological parent, but I still love her and feel responsible for her happiness and I also want to give her what I never got. I thought that if I left for Iceland instead of Sturgis I could give her that. She'd get to grow up with both of her parents."  
  
Mac went over to him and hugged him quite tenderly.  
  
"Harm, I love the fact that you love and care for my daughter so much, that you'll sacrifice yourself for her sake. I loved it before and I guess I could have guessed that you would do something like this. But I still really wish that you would have discussed it with me first. Didn't you think about how much I and Mattie needs you here too?"  
  
"You would have done all right without me, Mac," he said with conviction "And even if we don't want to admit it, Mattie has really gotten closer to her father this last month, that Alateen-group really helped her and she will probably move back to him. We need to let her go there."  
  
"So what did the admiral say about it?"  
  
"He said that they wanted someone with submarine experience and knowledge, so I couldn't be considered anyway."  
  
Mac let out all of the air from her lungs in relief.  
  
"I guess I should have discussed it with you. I just got so wrapped up thinking I should to the right thing, that I didn't stop to consider that you might feel differently about it."  
  
"I'm sure you will next time," Mac said. They had both become very good at learning from their mistakes.  
  
"But we still don't know what will happen with Sturgis?" Harm regretted to say. He didn't want to bring up the things that were still negative.  
  
"No, I guess we don't, but it will hardly help to worry about it now either," Mac smiled at him. It was easier for her to think about Sturgis' possible transfer logically when she had had some time to digest the news.  
  
TBC 


	32. Sick?

AN: The next one is the last one.  
  
Part 32: Sick?  
  
April 30th 2004  
  
Mac was woken up by Elena's crying early in the morning. Elena had once again caught one of the daycare-bugs, so Mac had stayed in Elena's room on a mattress to be close if she needed something. Sturgis was out of town on an assignment, the transfer had fallen through and at least for the foreseeable future he was staying at JAG, so Mac had to take care of Elena alone this time. Harm tried to relieve her by carrying a larger burden of the other things that needed to be done in the household.  
  
"They should have warning signs on those day-care facilities 'Warning for dangerous infections' would be good," she said to her self as she picked Elena up from the bed.  
  
"Darling, Darling. Don't you want to sleep a little more?" Mac tried to convince Elena "At least you're not at all as warm as you were yesterday," she said a little happier after she had touched her skin.  
  
"She didn't get much sleep tonight either, did she?" Harm came into the room rubbing his eyes. Elena wasn't crying anymore, but she still kind of squealed uncomfortably.  
  
"Not really, no," Mac said.  
  
Mattie had spent the night at her father's place for the first time. She had suggested it because she had slept so badly with Elena screaming all of the previous two nights, but she had also been quite excited about it. She was happy about the chance she had gotten to get to know her father again as a different man, but she was also afraid of pushing Harm and Mac away. They had been there for her when she needed it and she was still so insecure about her father that she needed the safety of the home she had with them.  
  
"It's kind of weird that Mattie isn't here," Harm said. "But I guess we're going to have to get used to that."  
  
"I guess so. It's hard to let go of her even if this is what's best for her."  
  
"Yeah," Harm agreed with her.  
  
Suddenly Mac gave Elena over to Harm and rushed over to the bathroom. Harm followed her only to hear her throwing up. He went to the kitchen to get her a glass of water and tried to pat her back at the same time as he still held on to Elena.  
  
"Is there anything you want to tell me?" He wondered if the reason for her throwing up was the one he thought and felt that he had to ask.  
  
"No," she said as she leaned back against the bathtub still sitting on the bathroom floor.  
  
"You're not pregnant?" he asked still concerned.  
  
"No," Mac exclaimed not being able to think of a reason why he would think she was.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"I've just caught whatever it was that Elena had," Mac had realized what had made Harm concerned and "Harm, you know I'm on the pill."  
  
Harm sighed in relief, but still felt like he had to defend his question.  
  
"And that's how Elena's here."  
  
"I don't think that will happen twice, so you don't have to worry," Mac said actually quite surprised that he seemed so afraid that she would be pregnant. They hadn't talked about this, but she had thought that he would still want to have more children or a child of his own, which way you wanted to look at it.  
  
'I'm not worried' Harm wanted to say, but he remained silent and just helped Mac up to her bed wondering if he should stay home and try to help her take care of Elena now that she was sick herself as well.  
  
TBC 


	33. Birthdays, Deals and

Part 33: Birthdays, Deals and...  
  
May 16th 2004  
  
It was the day of Little AJ's fifth birthday. Harriet and Mac had thought that it would be nice to have a small celebration for their children with their friends from JAG together even if the children's birthdays were two weeks apart. Elena would probably not notice it anyway if they celebrated her a little late and besides the family had still celebrated her a lot on her real birthday. This was more for the working colleagues of the parents and their families. Little AJ had had a party for his friends yesterday and Harriet had warned Mac from ever letting Elena have a fifth-birthday-party for her friends. She said she was lucky the house was still there at all.  
  
They had wanted a simple picnic in the park and had been very lucky with the weather, so now all of the guests were starting to gather on the pre- decided spot. They had brought their own blankets and it looked very nice with all the happy people who gathered in small groups to talk and the children running around.  
  
"Ahm, Ahm," Elena cried in delight when she saw Harm returning from the car with the last of the baskets of food.  
  
"Hey, Elena," He said and put the baskets down to scoop her up instead and let her fly over his head. She knew this game and spread her arms out as wings as wide as she could.  
  
"He's good with her," Harriet remarked to Mac who was standing with Mac unpacking all of the baskets and putting them in some sort of order.  
  
"Yeah," Mac said and looked up at them "I never thought this would work out this well when I first found out that I was pregnant."  
  
"I can imagine that."  
  
"Mhm, Mattie and I talked about that a while ago. She said that Elena was so lucky, because most people are lucky to have at least one decent parent and she has three. And who knows if things work out for Sturgis and Varese, maybe she'll have four..." Mac smiled. She had been happy for him when Sturgis had told her that he had met someone. She wanted him to be happy, even if it was also hard to accept that she wasn't going to be in control of all of the people her daughter was influenced by. On the other hand she trusted Sturgis and other parents probably had to learn this too at a later point.  
  
"What?" Mac realized Harriet had asked her something that she hadn't heard.  
  
"I was just wondering how things are going with Mattie's father," Harriet repeated.  
  
"Oh, well we're having dinner together with her father next weekend and then we'll talk about making a schedule for when she's going to stay with him and so," Mac told her.  
  
"It will be hard for you two, won't it? To let go of her."  
  
"Of course, but it's what's best for Mattie. Her father has really turned his life around and I think she really wants to go back to him even though she's still scared of what will happen if he starts drinking again. We'll always have a place for her, though."  
  
"I'm sure she knows that."  
  
"I hope so," Mac said. The two of them preceded to invite everyone to come and get something to eat.  
  
Everyone had gotten something to eat and they were starting to dig in on the dessert, which consisted on apple pie. Harm had gone to dispose of some garbage and got back to where Mac was sitting nudging her a little on the shoulder to make her come with him. She got up and they started walking along the path away from the group of people.  
  
"It's been five years," Harm started saying and looked up at her. They were well out the other's hearing range by now.  
  
"I know. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday that we stood there watching the ambulance leave with Harriett and Little AJ and then I think about everything that has happened since then. It was a lifetime ago," Mac stopped and looked back at him.  
  
"I know what you mean."  
  
"Harm, if this is about that deal... You know, legally speaking we're off the hook, since we are both in a relationship," Mac trailed off. She touched his arm and trailed her hand down to his fingers. They braided them together. This was a conversation they were going to take to the end together.  
  
"You don't want more children?" Harm asked a little disappointed, but most of all surprised.  
  
"I do, but... but I thought you didn't. You seemed so relieved when you thought that I was pregnant and I told you I wasn't."  
  
"But that's not... I do want children with you, Mac, and very much too, but I don't want it to be because of some deal we made years ago when we were completely different persons or because the birth control failed. I," he paused and stopped taking both of her hands in his and looked even more intensely into her eyes.  
  
"I love you Sarah Mackenzie. You're my best friend in the whole world and I never want to lose you. There is no one who knows me as well as you do and I don't think there's anyone who knows you as well as I do either. We once said that we had seen each other at our bests and at our worst and still that was nothing compared to the intimacy and closeness we have now. This thing with us just gets stronger the longer we're together. I know that I can only really live with you, I couldn't survive without you, and that we'll get through whatever that is thrown at us as long as we're together. And that's why I want to ask you, Sarah, will you marry me?"  
  
"Oh, Harm... I love you so much, "Mac said, hugged him tightly and buried her face in his shoulder. She remained like that for the longest time. An eternity, Harm felt it was.  
  
"Now, would be a good time to answer," Harm said nervously when it seemed like she wasn't going to give him a straight answer and he was afraid to assume anything.  
  
"Harmon Rabb," she said and took his face in her hands so they were looking straight into each other's eyes. "There's nothing in the world that I want more than to marry you and continue to have this wonderful family with you. Face every trouble by your side..." she didn't know what more to say and instead she just sealed it with a kiss. There were no assurances that they weren't going to face any more trouble on their road of love, but the truth was that they would face those troubles and their consequences together.  
  
The End  
  
AN: I want to dedicate this part to everyone who has supported and encouraged me in writing both of these two stories. Cria, TZ and all of the reviewers this is for you! I can only wish that you realize how much your comments mean to me.  
  
I've enjoyed writing this story very much and I hope you've enjoyed reading it too.  
  
Until the next story  
  
Hermiine 


End file.

JAG, Drama