Homestuck In His Wildest Dreams

**There isn't any real porn in this.**

**I apologize.**

Okay, so maybe everything is your fault, but you weren't expecting the book to actually be something _serious._

You had been minding your own business, okay, just snooping through Karkat's things because you found awesome blackmail material hidden everywhere in that shit hole, and then _bam._ Book fell off the desk.

It only made sense that you would crouch to pick it up, but you paused when you noticed that it was 1) a journal and 2) open to a page scrawled in Alternian.

Of _course_ you would be curious, anyone would be if put into that situation, so you picked the book up and frowned down at it. Vriska taught you the Alternian alphabet, and though you could translate written stuff fairly easily, it still took you a few seconds to parse out entire sentences. However, the longer you translated, the more you kind of wished you hadn't.

_—was splayed out underneath Karkat, squishy flesh naked in the light of the New Moon, blushing the color of Karkat's blood._

_Karkat felt a surge of primal arousal and acted on it, moving forward to kiss the human on the mouth. As a proper matesprit, Karkat refrained from the use of fangs, instead opting for the much sweeter, gentler pursuit of movement. John seemed to enjoy it for whatever inane reason, probably because of Karkat's superior kissing techniques, but either way, John purred John's content—_

Wait. Huh?

—_against the matesprit's closed protein chute, responding eagerly to the onslaught of pity given. _

"(Unreadable word), _Karkat!" John whimpered—_

Why was a fictional scene of you and Karkat making out in here? That . . . could Karkat have . . . ?

You thumbed back to the beginning, your eyes widening with every snippet and written moan your eyes chanced upon. The very beginning wasn't much better. Not by a long shot.

_"Welcome home!" John's voice greeted as Karkat shuffled into the shared hive. " . . . Um, m—master."_

_Karkat glanced down to find the matesprit kneeling on the ground, face flooded with blood behind John's translucent skin, blue eyes averted and outfit already in place. Cat ears were perched on top of John's dark head, and a collar with the Sufferer's insignia was clipped around John's pink neck. The rest of John was gloriously naked, showing off the pink bulge already out and writhing with want, the exposed nook already enlarged and dripping fluids onto the hive floor._

_"Where's John's tail?" Karkat asked gruffly, eyeing the empty nook with a heat burning in Karkat's lower stomach._

_"Mm," John responded, looking away again._

_"For John's sake Karkat hopes John didn't purposely defy the master's orders."_

_John didn't say anything, but the sudden increase in his dripping fluids told everything. John was excited for the punishment to come. A good boyfriend, as the humans called the quadrant-hopping partners. Tonight John seemed to be in the mood for blackrom, and Karkat was perfectly happy to give John just that after the horrible fucking day Karkat had dealing with the numbskulls Karkat called friends/enemies—_

Ugh. It was hard enough replacing all the pronouns with names, but it was just ridiculous for Alternian to have one word meaning both "friend" and "enemy". How were you supposed to tell the difference?

Whatever, you read quite enough of this anyway.

You gently set it back onto the corner of his desk, uncomfortable and more than a little awkward. Seriously, what were you supposed to _do_ with that information? So Karkat seemed to like you as more than a friend, and what? It wasn't like you really—you weren't gay, so there wasn't really anything you could do.

But. But maybe there _was._

An idea was forming in the back of your head, your prankster's gambit rising to direct the traffic of thought into a singular plan that could very well be hilarious. It would be kind of awkward; maybe a little embarrassing for you, but perhaps it would make the two of you crack up! Karkat could really use a laugh, being all grumpy and frowny all the time like he was!

This is how you found yourself two hours later, fidgeting in Karkat's respite block. You carefully avoided looking into any reflective surfaces just so you wouldn't get flustered or embarrassed and call the whole thing off, reminding yourself that this was _hilarious_ and it would be totally worth it to make Karkat crack enough to at least give you a small smile. No, scratch that, you better be getting a big grin or you were going to personally throw a tantrum or five because like hell were you going to do all this work and get only a _little_ grin.

The time creeped by agonizingly slowly, probably because Karkat was hanging out with Kanaya or Sollux or something—which was good, because that meant he'd be in a slightly better mood whenever he arrived.

Still, when the doors clicked and began to slide open, you curled your hands into the ultimately strange fabric of your pantyhose, chanting a mental mantra of _It's all for the laughs, it's all for the laughs, it's all for the laughs, I am being a good palhoncho friendleader it is all for the laughs this isn't weird at all._ You felt a little warmer than you would have liked, and an involuntary shudder rippled down your bare spine, goose bumps dotting your skin, though whether they were from the chilly air-conditioned gust of wind blowing into the room with the open door or your own anxiety you couldn't say.

Karkat seemed to be in the middle of thought when he went to step into his room, his dark brow furrowed and his flaming eyes narrowed at the floor as if it had personally offended him. However, that expression vanished in an instant when his eyes lifted to you, his entire being freezing in the doorway, claws hovering halfway to the button to close the doors and his eyes wide and disbelieving. It was actually kind of funny-looking, what with the way his foot was suspended in mid-air, eyebrows almost invisible behind his dark fringe of hair, dark lips gaping slightly.

You shifted under the onslaught of his staring, sniggering a tad bit nervously, a hand coming up to push the plush cat ear back into place on your head. "Um, welcome home?"

Oh gog. That sounded not right at all. It was supposed to be sensual and playful and _funny,_ not awkward and uncertain! Oh man, this was weird. You shouldn't have done this at all. Alert, alert, John Egbert had a Bad Idea. Prepare backup immediately.

Karkat didn't make anything better by his complete lack of a response. He just kind of stood there, miraculously balanced on one leg, gaping at you with ridiculously big eyes and slumped shoulders.

Welp. This was getting more awkward by the second alright.

"Erm . . ." You racked your brain for something witty to say, or maybe a quote from Karkat's cheesy fanfictions, but none really struck you so you were forced to go with old reliable: "Uh . . . do you come here often?"

That was even worse! No, no, no! This wasn't what you wanted at all! At this rate he was going to think you were flirting with him or something, and that was certainly not what was going on here at all! Not in the least! Ugh, this was so freaking messed up. Why did you never think these things through?

"J-J-" Karkat sputtered, continuing to stand in the door and allow a cool breeze to trickle inside. Of course, you weren't nearly as worried about the Breeze as you were someone walking past and peeking inside. That would be a tough one to explain. "What the fuck are you _doing_ in here? You do realize this is my respite block, correct? Has your dysfunctional human think pan finally shorted out and left you an idle skull full of the melted puddle of goo your pink pan once was? Are you sitting in the darkness of my block as a cry for help? Should I go ask Kanaya if her Sylph abilities are enough to heal the likely irreparable damage that is Hurricane Egbert?"

Bluh, bluh, bluh, I'm Karkat Vantas and I like to word vomit whenever I'm confused. Talk about a mood killer!

"I'm not mentally handicapped!" You snapped, a bit offended that he would insult you when you were already putting yourself out on a limb in this incredibly humiliating position, not that you really understood why you were so butt-hurt. You had been insulted worse for stupider things, sometimes even by Karkat, and it wasn't like you had gone into this expecting to come out insult-free. Still, there was this tiny little pang in your chest that sparked an annoyance inside of you that you couldn't seem to tamper down. "I just—um—"

Karkat's nostrils flared. "Are you trying to _seduce_ me?"

"I—what! No! That's not—!"

"You are!" The troll exclaimed, pointing a gleeful, accusatory finger John's way. "You're flirting with me, you dumbass!"

You flushed and flailed your arms. "But I'm not!"

"Are!"

"Not!"

"Are!"

"Not!"

_"Are!"_

_"Not!"_

Karkat hissed in annoyance, stomping further into the room with a fire in his eyes and his fangs gnashing. You didn't like that look, but you were used to it, so you did your very best to glare heatedly back. It (barely) held up when Karkat stopped in front of you and scowled with the full power of his legendary Vantas Fury, bending so his face was almost at level with yours, his hot breath puffing against your cheeks, the tips of pearly white fangs flashing.

"Do you really want to play this game with me, Egbert?" He asked, his voice alarmingly quiet, growly and low but somehow _playful._

Oh jeez. What was that hot feeling spreading through your stomach? Fuck, if you got an erection, this would be all over, and you hadn't even turned this situation into a funny one yet! Not that you could probably save it at this point anyhow.

However, the thing people needed to understand about you was that you just so happen to be a Little Shit. And as a proper Little Shit, instead of hightailing out of a dangerous and possibly humiliating situation, you instead poked sticks at snakes without first thinking it through.

So while it was no surprise when you blurted, "What if I do!" it sure as heck wasn't the _smart _thing to say, but you realized that much too late.

By then, Karkat's hungry look turned like ten times more predatory, and you had just enough time to regret every decision you made up to this point before he released a noise so animalistic and low it made you flinch, and then he was on you. He lunged, tackling you to the floor with an embarrassing squeak from you, and then his hands and lips were everywhere, wandering hot and heavy against your scantily-covered flesh, mouth open so his warm, moist breath traveled across the contours of your body, rounding the hills of your ribs and the hardening, pink tissue of your nipples. His claws traced the mountains of your hips and valley of your pelvis, circling your soft tummy in a way that made you giggle and shudder involuntarily, squirming and flushed under his weighted body.

"Karkat—" you started uncertainly, gasping and tilting your head back as his wonderful open-mouthed kisses traversed up the column of your throat, pausing to nip at random areas, pressing a kiss to your pulse quickly before continuing up, up, up to your ear, where he stopped to breathe you in, out, in again and whisper, "Where's your tail, slut?"

You couldn't help it; you moaned. "I-I don't have one . . ."

He bit the shell of your ear, pinpricks of fangs stinging the vulnerable flesh there, not enough to severely damage but enough to make you whimper in pain.

"M . . . Master," you finished, embarrassed enough to _die_.

"I'll have to punish your lack of preparation." Karkat murmured, releasing your ear to nuzzle his nose into your hair. "We'll work on your manners as we're at it, won't we, John?"

"Y-yes . . . sir."

"Good, good. Who's going to fuck you, John?"

"You will. Please." If he heard the note of urgency in your tone, he didn't comment on it, but you thought you felt him smile into your scalp.

"Damn straight."


End file.

Homestuck, Romance