G. I. Joe User's Guide to Storm Shadow

I don't own G.I. Joe, however much I might wish otherwise. (sigh). I make zero money from this. Don't sue me.

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A Guide to Your new STORM SHADOW Model

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of one (1) STORM SHADOW unit. Given proper care and maintenance, you can expect a lifetime of companionship and excitement, as well as occasional mortal peril.

The STORM SHADOW unit is for use by responsible adults only. PIT INC is not responsible for any injury, property damage, or deaths resulting from improper use of its products.

Your Box Should Contain;

One (1) STORM SHADOW unit. Unit will come pre-packaged in a white gi and white tabi.

One (1). Bottle Bleach. (For maintenance of aforementioned white gi; remember, don't let bloodstains set in.)

Multiple (?) sharp pointy things of various shapes and sizes.

One (1) package earplugs. The STORM SHADOW unit has very sensitive ears, and noisy environments (airports, firing ranges, rock concerts, daycares) can make it uncomfortable.

One(1) Whetstone with One (1) bottle honing oil. The STORM SHADOW unit lavishes an almost obsessive amount of care on the aforementioned sharp pointy things; it will become a common sight to see him sitting in the middle of enough bladed weaponry to outfit a small mercenary company, carefully honing the edge of a sword. Convince him to do this on your front porch, and you will find that you will no longer have problems with door to door salesmen or Jehovah's witnesses.

If you find that your unit comes packaged in jungle fatigues, congratulations! You have been issued the rare Vietnam LRRP THOMAS ARASHIKAGE unit. The unit will operate much the same as the standard issue STORM SHADOW unit, but it is advised that you keep it away from post-Arashikage training SNAKE EYES units to avoid inconvenient continuity snarls.

Activation of Unit

It is strongly recommended that you make sure that the switch on your STORM SHADOW unit is set to the "Unbrainwashed" mode; this is the default mode, and one can expect the most 'normal' behavior in this mode, though 'normal' behavior in a STORM SHADOW unit is a highly subjective term.

The unit has come packaged in a white gi; it is not recommended that you remove this yourself, unless you want the STORM SHADOW unit to think you're making him an offer. While he might be quite amiable to this sort of thing if you're an attractive female (particularly if you have a nice voice, and _particularly _if you have a nice voice and can hook your ankles behind your ears) unless the unit is set to "slash" mode this might result in unpleasantness for a male.

It is recommended that you choose an open, well-lit place to activate your STORM SHADOW unit. After activation, it is recommended that you stand back, with your hands in a position that does not suggest that you are about to make an unarmed attack, and speak in a calm, soothing voice, asserting that you are a friend and mean no harm. It is recommended that you offer your STORM SHADOW unit Thai food, blueberry bagels, or tea; this will signal your friendly intentions towards the unit.

Care of Unit

Your STORM SHADOW unit is quite capable of feeding and cleaning itself. Indeed, the unit will prove to be a surprisingly good cook, so long as you like health food. You may offer to aid with the cleaning function, however, particularly if you are an attractive female. If you aren't evil and no JUNKO units are in close proximity, such offers are often viewed with enthusiasm. Again, if you are a male, make sure the unit is set to "Slash" mode, or risk spontaneous head-falling-off-limbs-breaking-itis.

Modes of Operation

The STORM SHADOW unit has several modes of operation. They are as follows;

Unbrainwashed;

This is the default mode. In this mode, the STORM SHADOW unit will display a dark, sarcastic, acerbic sense of humor, a keen intellect, hints of narcissism and OCD, relentless self-confidence, a deep sense of loyalty and honor (which will not carry over into fights; the STORM SHADOW unit follows the same theory of fighting as the VIMES unit) and a well developed angst subroutine. The unit will also display incredible ninja abilities. Make sure your homeowner's insurance is current.

Pre Hard Master's Murder;

The unit will maintain a good relationship with any SOFT MASTER units, and will display a generally positive attitude about life. This is the mode with the least pronounced angst subroutine.

Post Hard Master's Murder;

SOFT MASTER units will attempt to kill the STORM SHADOW unit on sight (unless a SNAKE EYES unit has presented it with evidence clearing STORM SHADOW'S name in the murder of the HARD MASTER unit; yes, we know. Complicated.) The unit will angst continuously about its need to avenge the HARD MASTER unit, and any SNAKE EYES units will be hostile towards the unit, until the SNAKE EYES unit uncovers aforementioned evidence.

Reluctantly Oathbound;

In this mode, the STORM SHADOW unit will be subservient to any COBRA COMMANDER units and hostile towards any GI JOE units, but reluctantly so, and will display barely-concealed dislike and hostility towards other COBRA units, up to and including inflicting pain, injury, maimery, and outright murder.

Brainwashed;

This mode can be spontaneously unlocked by being trapped by any COBRA COMMANDER and DOCTOR MINDBENDER units. In this mode, the STORM SHADOW unit will display many of the same cognitive characteristics as a potted ficus tree, but will retain its ninja abilities. It will be subservient to the whims of any COBRA COMMANDER unit in proximity and hostile towards enemies of COBRA. If a Brainwashed! STORM SHADOW unit and a SNAKE EYES unit are brought into close proximity, this will invariable trigger a knock-down, drag-out, flying-shuriken, destroy-the-neighborhood, get-blood-all-over-everything ninja battle. We did warn you about the homeowner's insurance; it might be best to make sure your medical insurance and life insurance are also current.

Sensei;

The STORM SHADOW unit, for all its well deserved fearsome reputation, enjoys teaching and will happily take you and any BILLY or JUNKO units that happen to be hanging about under its wing. (and in the case of any JUNKO units, under _it, _but we digress.)

Slash;

If you're trying to trigger hot mansex between your STORM SHADOW unit and a SNAKE EYES unit (god only knows why) make sure both units are set to this mode, or things will NOT end well.

Out For Blood;

This mode may be unlocked whenever a ZARTAN unit is present if the STORM SHADOW unit knows that the ZARTAN unit was the one behind the murder of the HARD MASTER. This mode may also be unlocked whenever anyone threatens a BILLY unit or JUNKO unit in its presence. For the love of god, if this mode is unlocked, just get out of the way. _We warned you._

NOTE; A Brainwashed! STORM SHADOW unit may spontaneously flip back to Unbrainwashed! Mode if brought into close proximity with a Brainwashed! BILLY unit. It may also just flip back to Unbrainwashed! Mode spontaneously. We really hope you weren't attached to your COBRA units if this happens.

Interactions With Other Units

The STORM SHADOW unit has somewhat complicated interactions with other units.

SNAKE EYES; If the STORM SHADOW unit is set to Unbrainwashed! the SNAKE EYES and STORM SHADOW units are highly compatible. They will treat each other as best friends and sword brothers, and will even go so far as developing what seems to be an entirely new language based on ASL shorthand spelling of archaic Japanese words. However, if the unit is set to BRAINWASHED mode, then the SNAKE EYES and STORM SHADOW units will be _highly_ incompatible, and it is not recommended that you bring them into proximity unless you want to watch an admittedly kickass ninja battle.

JINX; The JINX unit, being the younger cousin of the STORM SHADOW unit, is highly compatible. The STORM SHADOW unit will treat the JINX unit as a younger, occasionally annoying sister, and the JINX unit will treat the STORM SHADOW unit as an occasionally exasperating older brother.

BILLY; The STORM SHADOW unit in all modes is highly compatible with the BILLY unit, which it will take under its wing as an apprentice and begin training. The two units will eventually develop a pseudo father/son dynamic, and any threat to the BILLY unit will elicit an extremely protective, aggressive response from the STORM SHADOW unit.

JUNKO; One of the lesser known but most highly compatible units. The STORM SHADOW unit will rescue the JUNKO unit from mortal peril, and begin training her. Expect several months of training, arguing, and mounting sexual tension. Eventually the JUNKO unit will break down the STORM SHADOW unit's defenses and the two will disappear to some quiet corner for a couple of days of frantic sex. Under NO circumstances should a STORM SHADOW unit that has bonded with a JUNKO unit have the JUNKO unit removed; the STORM SHADOW unit will become extremely violent should you attempt this.

It is recommended that you keep the STORM SHADOW unit away from the following units; DOCTOR MINDBENDER, COBRA COMMANDER, ZARTAN, SNAKE EYES (if the STORM SHADOW unit is in Brainwashed! Or Reluctantly Oathbound! Mode).

FAQ's

Q; My STORM SHADOW unit is helping me brush up on my martial art skills, but has taken this a bit too far; I don't really like getting up at sunrise to perform kata until my legs go numb. Help?

A; Your STORM SHADOW unit enjoys teaching, and has been flipped to Sensei! mode by your desire to learn. However, the STORM SHADOW unit is not one to do things halfway. Either get used to dawn sparring sessions or flip the unit off of Sensei! Mode.

Q; Since I purchased my STORM SHADOW unit, I've noticed that a BILLY unit has been hanging about, and my STORM SHADOW unit seems to be spending an inordinate amount of time tormenting it.

A: This is normal. The 'Torment' that your STORM SHADOW unit has been inflicting on the BILLY unit is actually 'Training', though we understand how you could think otherwise on occasion.

Q; My STORM SHADOW unit and a SNAKE EYES unit recently got into a little scrap. Now my insurance company is refusing to pay for the damage to my roof, windows, television, car, lawn, garden, trees, walls, and siding.

A; We did tell you to make sure that your insurance was up to date. PIT INC is not responsible for damages.

Q; My STORM SHADOW unit has been switched to Brainwashed! Mode by a DOCTOR MINDBENDER unit. How do I restore him to normal?

A; This is a common issue. Remove the offending DOCTOR MINDBENDER unit from the area, cautiously approach your STORM SHADOW unit while claiming to be on a mission from COBRA COMMANDER, and while he is waiting for orders quickly flip the switch at the base of his neck back to the Unbrainwashed! Setting. A few dots of superglue or some duct tape can help prevent this issue from happening again.

Q; My STORM SHADOW unit has recently been hanging around with a female unit who seems to wear red a lot. I've barely seen him in weeks.

A; Your STORM SHADOW unit has attracted a JUNKO unit. Don't worry about them; they're either training or making the beast with two backs. Probably on your bed, right now. Don't try to stop them; they don't take being interrupted well, and they both have a lot of pointy things.

Final Notes;

With proper care, your STORM SHADOW unit will remain a friend and companion for many years to come, and will serve as an excellent protector and home security system. We fully expect that you will come to regard your STORM SHADOW unit as a valued member of the family.

If you have any further questions or concerns regarding your STORM SHADOW unit, feel free to contact us at .


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G. I. Joe