G. I. Joe Candy

**A/N:** This story is set in the 'Father Dearest' alternate universe, and the plotbunny was adopted from TinySprite. Go check out her stories. :D

* * *

Being a ninja meant getting dirty every now and then. Thomas Arashikage - or Storm Shadow, as many people liked to call him now - was all-too familiar with that truth. He had swum in less-than-sanitary water, waded through muddy swamps, and gotten blood splattered all over himself in countless fights.

However, he decided, nothing compared to this.

_Nothing. _

Storm Shadow cursed quietly to himself as the hand that reached up to touch his hair came back sticky and with a sickeningly sweet smell that was supposed to be strawberry.

Meanwhile, Billy stared mournfully at the empty candy wrapper in his hands. There was no more candy. He had tried to give the rest of it to Stormy, but his bodyguard _had to _duck his head and pull away, accidentally making Billy slap his hair with the treat.

And even then, Stormy did not seem to appreciate his generosity. Billy just did not understand. He had given nearly half of his candy to the ninja and yet he still wasn't satisfied.

"You're supposed to eat it," he said helpfully.

Storm Shadow glared at him as he grabbed the disgusting thing and tried to pull it out of his hair. Pain shot through his scalp and he froze; the candy was stuck to his hair.

"Why did you even _try _to give me candy? Since when have I ever shown any interest in junk food?" He tried slowly pulling it away. The candy broke into pieces, involving more strands of hair in the sticky mess. He cursed quietly enough that the boy couldn't hear. "What kind of candy is this?"

Billy blinked innocently at him. "Baroness gave it to me."

"Tell Baroness that I asked if she feels safe at night," Storm growled as he continued pulling. He was getting the majority of the candy out, but there were still a lot of small, sticky pieces left.

Billy looked so confused. He tilted his head. "I don't get it," he finally said. "Of course she feels safe."

"Not with me in the same base where she sleeps. Not when I know she was the one feeding you junk food. And not when I know she's the one responsible for the predicament I'm in." Storm patted his hair; he could still feel sticky pieces of strawberry candy stuck to his head. He couldn't be seen like this. It was humiliating; of all people to land a hit on him, five year-old Billy just had to be lucky enough.

He groaned. "I need a shower. Fast. Stay here."

As soon as Storm had taken three steps out the door, he decided that Billy hadn't heard the 'stay here' part.

"Stay in your room, kid," he said with more emphasis as he punched in his room code and opened the door.

"No."

"I said _stay_."

"NO!"

Storm turned around, fully intent on lecturing the child's ears off about listening to his elders, when Billy managed to squeeze past his legs and run towards the bed. At the last moment, the kid launched himself off the ground and landed on the mattress, giggling happily.

"Really, kid?" Storm crossed his arms and frowned as Billy wrapped himself in his cover sheets. "Can't you do that in your own room?"

"Comfy," was the only muffled reply.

Sighing, the ninja decided it wasn't worth arguing with the kid at the moment and took a change of clothes with him into the bathroom. "I'm taking a shower, okay? Don't come in."

"Okey."

"And if somebody knocks on the door, don't let them in."

"Okey."

Reasonable enough. Storm closed the door and winced when he looked at himself in the mirror. His hair was matted and covered in sticky pink candy, and it really didn't help that a nauseatingly sweet scent followed him.

In other words, he felt like an idiot.

A few frustrating minutes of trying to rinse most of the candy out in the sink, and he concluded that he was just going to have to try and scrub it all out in the shower. Soap should work well for getting candy out of hair, shouldn't it? He sure hoped so.

Just as he finished undressing, the door opened. "Stor-"

Against his best judgement, Storm yelped, making Billy flinch away from the door. He took advantage of the broken line of sight and grabbed his towel to tie around his waist. Fuming, he walked over to the door and swung it open. "Kid, what did I _tell you _about coming in while I'm-"

"I'm b-bleeding."

Those two words and the sight of tears in the child's eyes were enough to make most of Storm Shadow's anger evaporate. "Where?" He squatted so he was closer to Billy's height.

Sniffing, the boy slowly held out his left hand to reveal a thin, red slice across his palm. As soon as Storm took his hand to inspect it, Billy began to cry.

"How did you get this?" Storm Shadow asked as he led Billy over to his stash of medical supplies.

"I-I-I was-" he sniffled. "I-I was p-playing with the pw-pwetty star..."

"You mean this?" Storm held up the _shuriken _that was lying on his bed. One of the edges was slightly red.

At Billy's guilty nod, he shook his head disapprovingly. "How many times do I have to tell you not to play with my things?" He dabbed some disinfectant on the wound, and winced when Billy shrieked from the sting.

"It h-hurts!" he sobbed into Storm's arm.

"That's what you get for touching my stuff," Storm grumbled as he wrapped Billy's hand in bandages. "There. Done. Stop your crying, it'll heal soon enough. Now don't touch my stuff again."

Billy stared at his hand and wiped his eyes on his right sleeve. "But it was p-pwetty..."

"Yeah, pretty. Pretty sharp. Don't touch it unless you want to get cut." Sighing, Storm stood up and walked back to his bathroom. "Now just stay still. I'll be out in ten minutes. Can you be a good boy and not do anything for ten minutes?"

"Okay," he replied meekly.

Despite Billy's apologetic tone, Storm Shadow had doubts about his obedience. Sure, the child's behavior had improved since Storm was first assigned as his bodyguard, but he still didn't take orders well. Commands such as, "Don't touch that," and, "Stay put," were usually ignored, much to Storm's chagrin.

Shaking his head, Storm Shadow stepped into the shower. He was going to have to make this as quick as possible.

* * *

As it turned out, shampoo was fairly effective at removing candy from hair. Which was good, because he was starting to believe he would never get the smell of fake strawberries out of his nose.

Yep, he was going to give Baroness hell for giving Billy those disgusting candies. What were they even made of? It appeared to be hard candy with a sticky liquid sugar coating just begging children to smear it everywhere.

He needed to wean Billy off those treats. Maybe offer him a few lessons in throwing spikes whenever he chose an apple over a slice of cake. Yeah, that might work; as much as the boy loved junk food, he also loved chucking things at practice dummies.

Once clean and - thankfully - candy-free, Storm Shadow stepped out of the shower and briskly toweled himself down. No sooner had he thrown his shirt on, than he heard a muffled _boom _outside of the bathroom, accompanied by Billy's screaming.

Swearing under his breath, Storm opened the door and was immediately hit by a wall of smoke. Eyes watering and throat seizing up, he got down on his knees where the air was a little clearer and crawled towards the sound of Billy coughing.

"What did you _do_?" he demanded as he yanked the boy out from under his blanket and dragged him down to the floor. There was so much smoke in the room, Storm Shadow could barely see his hand in front of his face.

That's when the fire alarm went off.

Gritting his teeth, Storm resisted the urge to curl up into a ball and cover his ears as the piercing noise sent a shock through his body. Billy was wriggling in his hold, half-sobbing, half-coughing. At that point, even the air near the floor was no better than the air at standing height. Closing his eyes, Storm reached out and felt along the walls while Billy struggled, panicking.

_Easy, easy__**, **_he thought to himself as calmly as he could until his hand reached the doorknob. _There! _He turned it and pushed against the door.

The Vipers outside jumped higher than they might have liked to admit when the door to Storm Shadow's room burst open and the Commander's son and attendant stumbled out amidst a wave of smoke.

"Call off the fire alarm," Storm all but snarled at the Cobra soldiers. "It's just a smoke bomb."

With a quick nod, every Viper hightailed out of there, not wanting to deal with Billy _and _an irate ninja on the same day.

Once the alarm had stopped and Billy's sobbing had subsided to sniffling, Storm carefully set him down on the ground, then placed his hands on his hips and glared at the child.

"I thought I told you _not to touch anything_," he snarled.

Billy looked up at him with red eyes. "It was a ball!" he wailed, grabbing the ninja by the bottom of his shirt as if doing so would make him forget what had just happened.

"It was a _smoke bomb_, and I clearly told you Not. To. Touch. _Anything_," Storm snapped.

"Cut the child some slack. A smoke bomb looks enough like a ball that of course William would mistake it for a toy."

Storm Shadow looked to his left and almost snarled. "Baroness."

The woman gave him a sultry grin as a greeting before squatting and stroking Billy's hair. "My poor, dear, sweet William," she crooned as she straightened his shirt and patted his cheek. "Are you hurt? Did Storm Shadow harm you?" She frowned at his bandaged hand.

Billy wiped away the last of his tears as Storm made an indignant sound above him. "No," he answered shyly. "I'm okay. Stormy gave me bandages when I held the sharp star and he saved me."

"Did he now?" Baroness glanced up at the white ninja, an eyebrow cocked. "That was... heroic of him. You're a brave boy." She pulled Billy into a hug; Storm's right eye twitched. "Here, have a piece of candy."

"Hey, no, no." Storm Shadow snatched the treat out of Baroness's hand before she could give it to Billy, who loudly protested the confiscation of his candy. "Why do you keep giving him candy?" he demanded, pointedly ignoring Billy's little tantrum. "It gets _everywhere _and it doesn't do a bit of good to his health.

While Billy grabbed onto Storm's belt and began jumping up and down, squealing, Baroness lifted her chin to evenly match the ninja's gaze. "It makes him happy," she replied, her words clipped. "Don't you think he deserves a _little _happiness after what just happened? The poor child."

"You're not supposed to reward him for touching my things! That's just going to-" He broke off to frown at the fussy child. "Billy, kicking me is not going to get you your candy back. Try another tactic." Looking back up at the Baroness, he resumed. "That's just going to encourage him, and one day, he's going to accidentally get his hands on a grenade."

"I'm not rewarding him - I'm giving him a consolation gift." Baroness watched as Billy started trying to _climb _Storm Shadow, with very little result as Billy lacked the arm muscles to pull himself up.

Billy was feeling very frustrated as he listened to Baroness and Stormy exchange words. The candy was _just _out of his reach, but Stormy wasn't letting him have it. Well, that only left him with one option.

He went over to Baroness and tugged at her belt, his gaze plaintive and pleading, as if Storm Shadow had sentenced him to death by denying him candy.

"Just let him have _one_, please. Just one." Baroness smiled at him as she pulled out another candy. Storm Shadow couldn't help but wonder how and why she kept so many on her person.

He frowned as he watched Billy happily tear into the wrapper and stick half of the candy into his mouth. He was going to have a more private chat with Baroness about the candies later.

Storm Shadow tilted his head slightly; he recognized Cobra Commander's heartbeat originating from around the corner, further down the hallway. His lips thinned in a displeased smile. Looks like father dearest had heard about the fire alarm incident and decided to come make sure his son was alright.

Sure enough, the Commander made a beeline for Billy as soon as he came into sight. "Billy, are you alright? I heard that there was an explosi-" He broke off mid-word and straightened up in front of Storm Shadow. "YOU! Ninja! How could you let this happen!? Can't you get anything done right? Billy is under _your _care! How can I trust you with my life if you can't even watch a child?"

Storm Shadow stared back at him blankly. What could he say? That he was technically Billy's bodyguard - not his caregiver? That Billy was so clingy that it was near impossible to go anywhere without him screaming his head off? That it was Billy's fault for not listening when he warned him not to touch anything?

Billy tugged on his father's pants, making the Commander look down at him. "Father, don't yell at Stormy."

"Nothing excuses failing to protect you."

"But he pulled me out and gave me bandages." Billy waved his left hand. "See?"

_Uh oh_. Unconsciously, Storm Shadow gulped. Sure enough, Cobra Commander's head snapped back towards him. "Did he?" he asked, his voice a low, threatening hiss.

"Yup!" Billy chirped, completely oblivious to his sire's anger. "Stormy is nice, except..." He frowned.

"Except what?" the Commander demanded, his attention now back on Billy. Storm Shadow instinctively began scanning for escape opportunities.

"Except, he doesn't like candy. _Everybody _likes candy." Billy looked at the candy half he had remaining in his hand before holding it up. "Do you want it, father?"

Storm couldn't help but note with intrigue how quickly the atmosphere went from tense to mildly awkward at a few words from Billy's mouth. The boy really had some leverage on Cobra Commander.

_Which is probably why Baroness keeps him happy with those candies_, he mused sourly. _So Billy will sing nothing but praises about her_.

Meanwhile, Cobra Commander looked flustered at the offer. "Um, not now, Billy-"

"But... candy!" Billy took a step forward, intending to hand the treat over to his father. Instead, the Commander stood up at the last second to back away. Billy's hand went forward, Cobra Commander stepped back...

... and the candy, plus wrapper, ended up sticking to the Cobra leader's pants.

The ensuing squawk of indignation from Cobra Commander plus the fussing of the Commander's attendants were all lost to Storm Shadow; he was too busy laughing.


End file.

G. I. Joe, Humor