G. I. Joe Six Rusted Anchors And A Set Of Steves

**Once again Cobra Commander wrecked the disclaimer saying that I don't own any GI Joe characters. Just some more madness with…**

**Six Rusted Anchors and A Set of Steves **

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Ugh…" Destro groaned as he walked into the recreation room of the Cobra ship. He looked at the Baroness who was reading a magazine. "I can't take any more of the Commander's bonding with his new buddy!"

"What? Did he get a new laser cannon or something?" The Baroness smirked. "Or are we talking about a new sex toy?"

"God I hope it will never be the latter again!" Destro moaned. "I still have nightmares about the fiasco in that Thailand brothel! No, I was referring to the Commander's new shooting buddy Steve. And for once that isn't a code meaning target."

"Are you saying the Commander and Steve are…Acquaintances?" The Baroness frowned.

"I think they've graduated to the F word," Destro groaned. "Which leads me to say a few F words of my own!"

"I thought the Commander hated Steve," The Baroness remarked.

"What makes you think that?" Destro asked.

"He hates everyone," The Baroness shrugged.

"Normally you would be correct in your assessment," Destro sighed. "However in this case it seems that the Commander discovered that he and our stowaway share several common interests."

"Such as?"

"Well for one thing they're both raging alcoholics with a penchant for popping pills like they were Pez candies," Destro told her.

"I knew about the alcohol thing but…" The Baroness raised an eyebrow.

"According to Steve he is on several 'doctor prescribed' medications that he happened to have on his person when he was transferred over here," Destro made air quotes. "And apparently he has no problems sharing."

"Ah," The Baroness nodded. "I am starting to see the picture here."

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"GOOD SHOT STEVE!" Cobra Commander was heard laughing. "DIE YOU FEATHERED FREAKS DIE!"

"They also share a great loathing for seagulls," Destro went on casually.

"Now the picture is coming in clear," The Baroness sighed.

"WHAAAHOOOOOOOOO! WAY TO GO STEVE!" Cobra Commander was heard hollering. "You da man, Steve! You da man!"

"Cobra Commander actually _likes_ Steve?" Mindbender blinked as he walked into the room.

"I know. I can't believe it either," The Baroness shrugged.

"It's a miracle," Destro said in a deadpanned voice.

"Well at least he'll be in a good mood for our meeting," Mindbender shrugged as he sat down.

"Why do we need another meeting?" The Baroness asked. "We had one the other day and that was a disaster! What is there to talk about? We have no base. We have no money. We have pretty much nothing. The end."

"The Commander wants more ideas to try and improve our fortunes," Xamot remarked as he and Tomax walked in.

"A Herculean challenge if there ever was one," Destro groaned.

"Come on Destro. Let's not be pessimistic," Mindbender said.

"I'm not pessimistic. I'm **realistic.** There is a difference," Destro informed him. "If I was pessimistic I would actually have a shred of hope."

"Look other than being in jail or dead or catching the Ebola virus while being stung by killer bees things can't get much worse for us," Mindbender said. "And what are the odds that last one would happen **twice?**"

"It serves the Commander right for getting drunk right before a Mad Scientist convention," Destro shrugged.

"Now that was fun!" Cobra Commander laughed as he walked in with Steve, the dark haired man in a gold henchman uniform. "Steve buddy sit next to me during the meeting. I could use someone with your input."

"Okay buddy!" Steve grinned as he sat down.

"Wait, he _likes_ **Steve**?" Tomax blinked.

"Since when does Cobra Commander like _anybody_?" Xamot asked.

"Cobra Commander likes anyone who gives him free alcohol and recreational drugs," Destro remarked. "Which explains why Mindbender has been here so long."

"You do remember that your new **playmate**…" Tomax began.

"Held us hostage only a day or so ago…" Xamot added.

"Because he was working for the enemy!" The Twins snapped.

"Only because you fired us!" Steve snapped. "You embezzled so much money for yourselves there wasn't enough to…"

"EH! EH! EH!" The Twins said at the same time.

"Steve! No one…" Tomax began.

"Wants to hear it!" Xamot finished.

"I do," Destro made a smirk.

"Yes, I find this tale to be quite amusing," The Baroness grinned like a shark ready to have its next meal. "Go on Steve, I'm just **dying** to hear the rest of it."

"See what happened was the Twins overshot their investments with their private schemes so in order to pay back some of the money they swindled from Cobra they came up with a few other schemes," Steve kept speaking. "Which failed miserably and they fired us as a last resort so they could use our pension funds to pay back all the money they stole."

"Shut up Steve!" The Twins snapped.

"You shut up," Steve said to the Twins.

"You know, I have to admit…" Destro chuckled. "I didn't think I was going to like him. But now that I've gotten to know him, Steve is actually quite amusing to be around."

"He is a breath of fresh air around here isn't he?" Cobra Commander asked. "Compared to the **stale lying smog** the Twins emit!"

"That reminds me," Steve remembered. "Did you ever find out about the time the Twins told you they were going to some meeting in Philadelphia to invest your money but in reality they just went to Monaco and spent it all on gambling and new clothes? Oh and those girls they met and the hotel room…"

"Just stop talking…" Xamot hissed.

"You insubordinate lackey!" Tomax snapped.

"You can't tell me what to do no more," Steve said. "Only the Commander can."

"Technically the hierarchy is that you are on the bottom…" Xamot snarled.

"And have to do what all of us say!" The Twins snapped.

"Yeah well that's changed," Cobra Commander said. "From now on it's me, Destro, the Baroness, Steve, Mindbender **then** you two!"

"You put us behind **Mindbender?**" Tomax yelled.

"You were always behind me!" Mindbender snapped.

"No, we weren't!" Xamot snapped.

"It was Cobra Commander…" Tomax began.

"Destro," Xamot added. "The Baroness…"

"Then us **then** you!" Tomax snapped.

"Well that ain't the way it is now so shut it!" Steve snapped.

"Do what Steve says," Destro said.

"WHAT?" The Twins yelled.

"You heard the man. Shut it," Steve said.

"I admit it. You're right. He does grow on you," Mindbender grinned.

"Now that is settled and the twins have been put in their place," Cobra Commander waved. "And the entertainment has been set up for at least a week or two…Let's get down to business and try to come up with ideas on how to restore the fortunes of Cobra."

"Hold on, why is **Destro** ahead of **me**?" The Baroness asked icily.

"It's not because you're a woman if that's what you're referring to," Cobra Commander groaned. "It's just that Destro has proven invaluable as my second in command."

"I provide him with hookers, vodka and I have to occasionally make sure he doesn't choke on his own vomit," Destro added. "The last one has happened more times than you think."

"Okay I see why now," The Baroness blinked. "You're next in line. No problem there."

"_Thank you_ so very much!" Destro snapped sarcastically. "Can we get on with the meeting? The sooner we start the sooner we can finish."

"You all know the drill, come up with ideas for Cobra to get back in the game," Cobra Commander waved.

"I've got one!" Steve spoke up.

"Oh what a shock…" Xamot grumbled.

"We go raid rich people's homes when they're not there. Most likely celebrities," Steve spoke up.

"Inspired by the Bling Ring movie we downloaded off the Internet last night?" Tomax said sarcastically.

"How original," Xamot rolled his eyes.

"Hey if a group of spoiled fame obsessed teenagers can steal over three million dollars' worth of stuff in less than a year we should be able to do twice as much in that short amount of time!" Steve spoke up.

"Let's just put that in the maybe pile, Steve," Destro sighed.

"Still better than what you lot have come up with in months!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Actually Steve you might be onto something. Why should we sit around racking our brains when we can get inspiration from the news?"

"We made that suggestion…" Xamot gasped.

"Weeks ago!" Tomax snapped.

"Yeah well Steve said it better," Cobra Commander waved.

"Ha, ha!" Steve smirked.

"We really hate you Steve," Tomax hissed.

"You didn't hate me that time you made me install that camera in the Baroness's bathroom," Steve quipped.

"WHAT?" The Baroness snapped. She turned on the twins. "You said the Dreadnoks did it!"

"Technically we said…" Xamot began.

"The Dreadnoks watched the video," Tomax gulped.

"They did after they paid for it," Steve remarked.

"SHUT UP STEVE!" The Twins yelled at once.

"You shut up you…" The Baroness made a fist. "Remind me to beat you two to a pulp later on!"

"Why not now?" Steve asked.

"I just did my nails," The Baroness shrugged.

"Maybe you should put gloves on?" Steve suggested.

"You are not helping Steve!" Tomax snapped.

"On the contrary," Destro grinned. "I find Steve **very helpful." **

"Let's just get on with finding items in the news now and schedule the beating of the Twins later," Cobra Commander groaned.

"Do you want me to fit the beating into your schedule before or after dinner?" Steve pulled out a notepad. "Keep in mind if you beat it before dinner you will work up an appetite. But if you wait to after dinner, not only will it burn more calories there's always a chance of seeing the twins throw up."

"What are you?" Tomax snapped.

"His personal assistant?" Xamot snapped as well.

"Pretty much, yes," Steve shrugged.

"Beats my last personal assistant," Cobra Commander said. "Speaking of beatings why don't we keep that schedule open for now?"

"As much as I'd love to see the twins get tortured, perhaps we should press on and look over the news?" Destro sighed as he pulled out his laptop. "Let's see…US government shutdown…"

"Ugh pass!" Cobra Commander waved. "I can't believe I wasted all those years trying to bankrupt the government and disrupt it when it could do it to itself more effectively than I ever could."

"Giant alligators found in…" Destro went on.

"Again pass! We've already done our mutant animal quota this year," Cobra Commander waved. "Next!"

"Breaking Bad has ended," Destro read on. "Of course we all saw the finale the other night."

"I don't say this often about television but you don't get a character as likeable and as personally inspirational as Walter White that often," Cobra Commander sighed. "Remind me to steal the DVD of the final season."

"We downloaded the season onto our computers using the Huly thing," Mindbender blinked.

"I like the extras all right?" Cobra Commander snapped. "That reminds me why didn't we try making some kind of drug to sell?"

"**Someone** kept using up all the merchandise before we could sell it," Destro glared at Cobra Commander. "Besides we tried that with the Twinkies and…"

"Oh yeah…" Cobra Commander realized. "What else you got?"

"A family diving off the coast of Florida found a sunken treasure worth a few million dollars," Destro went on. "And that was only what they could bring back."

"Lucky stiffs. Can you believe it? Billions of dollars' worth of treasure at the bottom of the ocean and it can't be salvaged!" Cobra Commander scoffed. "Unless you have some kind of high tech ship that turns into a submarine."

He then straightened up. The Cobras all looked at each other. "Are you thinking what I am thinking?" The Baroness remarked.

"That we can make a small fortune if we steal the change from laundromats?" Mindbender spoke. "We could call ourselves the Static Cling Ring!"

"No, you ignoramus!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Although I admit that laundromat isn't a bad idea if we get desperate."

"**If** we get desperate?" Destro yelled. "As it is we have to steal fuel and toilet paper whenever we manage to find a port!"

"Just shut up and start scanning!" Cobra Commander shouted.

Sometime later…

"Anything?" Cobra Commander asked Destro while the Cobras were on the bridge. The ship was in submarine mode and skimming the bottom of the ocean.

"My answer is the same as it was **ten minutes ago**," Destro snapped. "Nothing!"

"I knew this was a stupid plan," The Baroness grumbled.

"We've been at this for two days and all we've found was six rusted anchors," Cobra Commander grumbled as he sat on the bridge. "A boot, two pairs of broken sunglasses, a kid's sandcastle mold, a seaweed covered box full of crabs, and a Toyota Corolla."

"How did a car get in the middle of the ocean in the first place?" Mindbender asked.

"How should I know?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Maybe it drove from Japan and got lost? The point is that we would have had faster results if we just gotten a metal detector and looked for coins with all those old retirees on the beach!"

"It hasn't been a complete failure," Mindbender shrugged. "I thought Steve made an excellent crabmeat soufflé for dinner the other night."

"With some decent crab Rangoon appetizers," Tomax remarked.

"And he made a lovely crab frittata this morning," Xamot added.

"Yes, yes! I admit the seafood has never been fresher," Cobra Commander grumbled. "And I have to admit it's nice to have someone **useful **around here for a change!"

"You're welcome," Destro said in a deadpanned tone.

"You know what I mean!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I meant an underling that is smarter than a Dreadnok! Admittedly the bar was not set very high…"

"Sir, we've got a ping," Steve spoke up from his control station.

"What do you mean by a ping?" Cobra Commander asked.

"A ping. As in our sonar has picked up something," Steve said. "Something big."

"Finally!" Cobra Commander threw up his hands. "Let's see what we've got!"

"I'm getting the readings," Destro looked at the instruments. "It's an undersea base of some sort."

"I recognize these coordinates," Xamot was stunned.

"This is one of our abandoned bases!" Tomax yelled.

"Oh great. Another one…" Destro groaned.

"I wonder why we abandoned this base in the first place?" Mindbender thought aloud.

"If it is anything like the reasons we abandoned all our other bases I suggest we arm ourselves to the teeth before checking it out," Destro said.

"Couldn't be. I've never been to this base," Mindbender shrugged.

"He's right. There was no scientific research being done at this base," Steve remembered. "This was a mining operation that went bust."

"How do you know that?" Cobra Commander asked.

"I was stationed here," Steve told them. "It was one of the Twins' schemes they set up."

"I have no idea what he's talking about," Tomax said.

"He's drunk," Xamot added. "We have no…"

"Recollection of any base like this," Tomax finished.

"Yes you do. You remember," Steve went on. "You kept this base off the books because you guys wanted to keep any gold we found for yourselves and…"

"All right now the whole picture is clear," Destro growled as he looked at the Crimson Twins.

"Thanks a lot _Steve,_" Tomax hissed.

"Very **helpful**!" Xamot glared at the henchman.

"Let's check it out," The Baroness suggested.

Not long after…

"Well at least we know the oxygen filters still work," Mindbender remarked as they walked around the command center of the undersea base. "We don't have to worry about suffocating down here."

"The generators are fully operational," Destro said. "In fact this base seems in almost pristine condition. You can tell a Dreadnok has never set foot in the place."

"There's no mold. No booby traps, no rampaging mutant animals," Cobra Commander looked around. "No insane former associates of Cobra. No offense meant Steve."

"None taken," Steve shrugged.

"This could actually work," The Baroness realized. "It would certainly be nice to have a home base for a change."

"I agree," Cobra Commander said. "As much as I've **loved **roaming the ocean like a homeless pirate I think it's high time we actually had a base of operations that wasn't afloat!"

"I wonder if the tunnel still works?" Steve wondered aloud.

"Tunnel? What tunnel?" The Baroness asked.

"Oh there's a tunnel with a tram that heads right to some island in Florida Keys," Steve explained. "One of the smaller ones."

"What? This I **have** to see!" Cobra Commander said.

Somewhere on an island was a run-down shack with some fish being sold from it. A man in his twenties with long shaggy red hair and a shaggy red beard wearing jean shorts and a blue T-Shirt was standing behind the counter. He smiled and waved to customers that weren't there because he was on some medication that wasn't exactly prescription.

"There is a tunnel here," A voice that sounded like a snake hissed from under the shack's floor.

"Whoa? What was that?" The young man blinked. The rug on his shack floor moved and out popped Cobra Commander and the other Cobras.

"And I thought he chicken place was a dump," Cobra Commander grumbled.

"Dude have you like…Always been down there?" The stoned young man blinked.

"No, we just moved it from Corporate," Cobra Commander spoke up. "Congratulations, your company has been bought out and we now run this stand."

"Heavy. I always thought I was self-employed," The man scratched his head. "I just found this old abandoned shack and I thought whoa…Why not sell some fish I catch from it?"

"Did you pay attention to your bottom line and check your stock options?" Cobra Commander thought fast.

"I was like supposed to do that?" The stoned young man blinked.

"Of course. You failed to do so which made it a prime target for Arbco Industries. Oh wait hold on..." Cobra Commander thought. "I mean Broca…No we used that one too…Well the name isn't important. We'll figure it out later. Bottom line this is our shack. You're out."

"Here's four hundred dollars severance pay," Destro pulled out money from his wallet. "Go buy whatever you want with it and never come back."

"You had four hundred dollars?" The Baroness snapped. "You could have picked up a check now and then!"

"Not now!" Destro hissed as he handed the man the money.

"Four hundred dollars. Whoa! That's a lot more than I was expecting to get!" The man opened his eyes. "Whoa! That's more than what I made all year! Okay. Now I know what to do! Find another shack and hope that one gets bought out!"

"Or you could just stay here and work for us as a manager," Steve spoke up. "What's your name?"

"Hold on…I know this one," The Man blinked. "Oh wait, it's Steve!"

"Your name is Steve too?" Steve asked.

"No 2 just Steve," The second Steve said.

"Well it is now," Cobra Commander said. "He's Steve One. You're Steve 2. Congratulations you are now the manager. Your duties are pretty much the same as before only with the added bonus is that you don't tell anyone about us."

"Whoa! I'm a manager!" Steve 2 beamed. "Wow! You really do climb the fast track in corporate."

"Two Steves?" Destro groaned.

"Hey we used to have a whole battalion of Freds," Cobra Commander snapped. "Why not a set of Steves?"

"Fine Steve 1 you're in charge of Steve 2," Destro sighed.

"Hey uh, now that I'm a manager do I have to wear a tie?" Steve 2 asked.

Cobra Commander waited a beat. "No, we're not that kind of company."

"We can't get **him** to wear a **shirt,**" The Baroness pointed to Mindbender. "Let alone a tie."

"Cool," Steve 2 nodded.

"So uh, as you were Steve 2," Cobra Commander said before they went back down the tunnel. "All right! We finally have a new base of operations! Cobra is back in business!"

"Barely," The Baroness rolled her eyes.

"So now we are living under the ocean connected to a run-down fish shanty instead of having a base underneath a run-down chicken restaurant," Destro folded his arms. "Yeah this is a step up from where we were."

"Look at the bright side," The Baroness shrugged. "At least there are no Dreadnoks."

"You're right. This is a step up," Destro nodded.


End file.

G. I. Joe, Humor