Supernatural, Twilight It's Really Not Funny

**Title**: It's Really Not Funny

**Warning**: Slash, language

**Pairing**: Dean/Castiel and hints of Sam/Balthazar

**Notes**: I'm a little ashamed of my fandom for the reasons that follow: (1) Dean/Bella Swan: Really? Dean would shoot this bitch in a fuckin' heartbeat! (2) Dean/Edward: Castiel would kill this mofo without a second's hesitation. (3) Dean/Bella Swan: I STILL DON'T FUCKIN' GET IT! (4) Any kind of serious Supernatural/Twilight crossover in which everyone get along and Dean or Sam don't start shooting people. Just doesn't make any sense to me.

**Notes2**: I hate Twilight.

**Notes3**: I'm drunk.

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><p><strong>Summary<strong>: Castiel saves Dean from Edward. possessive!Castiel

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><p><strong>Disclaimer<strong>: Me no own, you no sue.

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><p>"It's kinda funny when you think about it," Sam says, still shaking from laughter.<p>

Dean levels his best death glare at his little brother; it almost works. Almost.

"There is nothing funny about this," Castiel growls, never looking up from the vampire whose throat he had his foot on. "Just what part of this seemed like a good idea?"

Edward Cullen said nothing as he continued to thrash against Castiel's shoe.

Castiel had finally had enough. He bent over and picked the vampire up by the neck and threw him against the wall.

"If you do not start talking," Castiel's gravelly voice was dark and laced with a dangerous edge, "I will tear you apart limb from limb and you will watch as I burn the pieces."

_**One week ago**_

"Forks? Where the hell is that?" Dean asked as he grabbed another beer from Bobby's fridge.

"Washington, not too far from Seattle," Sam answered as he turned his laptop to face his brother.

"What else do we know?" Dean settled on the couch next to Sam.

"There's seven of them," Bobby spoke up. "It's strange; I've never seen a coven set up like this. Five of them attend the high school, the 'father' works at the hospital, and the 'mother' stays at the house.

"Rumor is that one of the younger ones is dating a human. And he's getting ready to turn her."

"Can't have that, can we?" Dean took a swig of his beer and turned to the research his brother had laid out before him. "We'll leave tonight."

_**Three days ago**_

"Sam," Dean pauses at the Fork's diner door.

"Yeah, I know," Sam walks by his brother and opens the door. "We're being watched."

"Think it's one of them?" Dean follow's his brother into the diner.

Sam shrugged and tried his best not to look around.

_**One hour ago**_

Edward quietly stalked closer to the older hunter he had been studying. The motel room was dark and the scent of the Winchesters was all too intoxicating. Edward let down his guard.

The sound of flapping wings made him freeze and right away the scent of fresh rain and meadows and blood filled the room. He was about to turn around when he was grabbed by the back of his collar and thrown against the far wall.

Edward let out a brief cry of surprise as he fell to the floor, off handedly noticing that both the Hunters were awake now.

_Great,_ he thought to himself.

He tried briefly to stand but found that he couldn't budge the foot on the throat.

"What the hell is going on?" Dean demanded as he turned on the lights, only to find Castiel pinning some unfortunately pale teenage boy. "Cas?"

"I believe this is one of the vampires that you seek," Castiel said. His voice was calm but Dean could sense the rage coming off his tense stance.

"Thanks," Dean said as he stood, lightly brushing the angel's arm with his own. The touch had the desired effect as Castiel's body relaxed.

"How'd you know that he was here?" Sam asked, getting up and standing on the other side of the angel, arms crossed.

"I heard his mind," Cas answered.

Edward's eyes hardened and he bared his teeth with a slight hiss of agitation.

"He has _desires_ for you, Dean," the angel's voice hardened again and his lip curled up into a disgusted snarl.

"'_Desires'_?" Dean looked a sick to his stomach.

"What are you?" Edward finally spoke up, his golden-yellow eyes glaring as he tried to break free from the angel.

"Your struggles are in vain, vampire," Castiel said. "I am an angel. Your strength is nothing compared to mine."

_**Now**_

"Look," Edward lifted his hands up in supplication, "I'm really, _really_ sorry. Honestly, I didn't know that he was claimed!"

"You're lying," Castiel said. "My mark leaves a scent. Did you _really_ believe that your strength would be any match to mine?"

"I'm sorry!"

The lighting in the room began to flicker and surge, casting large winged shadows on the walls.

"Not as sorry as you're going to be," Castiel growled as he placed two fingers to the vampire's forehead and the pair disappeared.

A tangible silence filled the room.

"Well, on that note," a new voice filled the room.

The brothers both jumped around to see that Balthazar had made his appearance.

"Hello, boys!" the angel spread his arms.

"What're you doing here?" Sam asked, suspicious.

"Cassie asked me to keep an eye on you while he took care of your little leech problem," Balthazar grinned as a bottle of something expensive appeared in his hand. He poured himself and the two Winchesters a drink.

"He's killing the vampires?" he asked, taking a sip of the drink Balthazar had handed to him.

"Yes, he's quite angry… might have something to do with the boy sneaking in here to watch you sleep. Oh, and the whole wanting to have sex with you."

Dean covered his (manly) blush by taking another drink.

Sam began to laugh all over again.

"It's still not funny, Sam," Dean growled.

Sam cleared his throat and forced himself to look repentant, "Of course not, Dean."

"Oh, Sammy here-"

"It's Sam."

"-just wants his own guardian angel," Balthazar threw an arm around the younger Winchester's shoulders. "Don't worry, Sammy, I'll protect you."

"It's-"

"Hup, looks like Castiel is finished!"

As if on que, Castiel appeared in the room covered in vampire blood, a ghost of a smirk on his face.

"Finished, brother?" Balthazar asked.

Castiel nodded once.

"The entire nest has been dispatched," Castiel said to Dean. "Their bodies are burning now."

Dean toasted the angel and finished off what was left of his alcohol.


End file.

Supernatural, Twilight