Full Metal Panic Good Bye

"Kaname, you said you had something important to tell me?"

Sousuke dropped his heavy carrying bag on the floor of his apartment. Kaname had been waiting for him when while he was being driven from the Mithril helicopter to his building. She had a copy of his key.

"Yes," Kaname said. She looked troubled. Her hands wouldn't remain still, and she had trouble meeting Sousuke's eyes. "I thought it shouldn't wait. It's… I just wanted to…" She sighed.

"Is it about college acceptances? Have you been chosen while I have not?" Sousuke wondered what could have Kaname looking like that. "It will not end my mission, I assure you." He looked her in the eyes. "I told you. If you need me to, I will resign from Mithril. You are my top priority. I thought you knew that."

"I _do_ know that Sousuke… it's just…" Kaname bit her lip. She looked away from Sousuke, staring at a smeared spot on the window. "That's what makes this so hard… you know…"

"No, Kaname. I do _not _know." Sousuke began to get a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. He found himself very aware of his breathing. "What is wrong?"

"There's no easy way to say this. I guess I should just come out and say it, right? I never have trouble speaking my mind, do I?" Kaname took a deep breath. She didn't want to do this. Not to Sousuke. Not with what he had done for her. Especially not when he had just gotten back from a mission. "I met with Fuwa-sempai again while you were away. You know, the guy from my Junior High, the one who took me to the amusement park."

"Yes," Sousuke said, feeling as if the bottom of his stomach was about to fall away, allowing gastric acid to run down his legs and pool at his feet. "I recall. The day that Kyouko and I tailed the two of you. The first use of the Bonta-Kun suit." Sousuke was certain he knew what Kaname was trying to say. He simply didn't want to believe it. "Why was that meeting important?"

"Sousuke… I didn't mean for anything to happen… I don't think he did either." Kaname stood straighter, trying to say what she needed to say. She had an near unbearable urge to run from the apartment, as if that would make the problem go away. "He kind of asked me out on a date. I accepted."

"I see. I may have been mistaken. But I thought that we were dating." Sousuke wanted to damn himself for his weakness. His voice sounded childish and hurt. That was no way for a Specialist to act. "The intimacy we shared… it was new to me… but I thought that meant that we…" he stopped, realizing that he was clenching the fabric of his trousers with both hands.

"It _did, _but…" Kaname pushed her hair away from her face. It wasn't doing Sousuke any good to get this in bits and pieces. "You mean a lot to me Sousuke. I thought that everything between us would be perfect. I couldn't imagine that I would feel better with anyone else." She looked him in the eyes, unnerved by the pain that she saw there. "I was wrong."

"How can you know this? I know I was gone for three quarters of a month, but…" Sousuke began to feel angry. "I was away fighting, nearly dying. I hurried back to make certain you were not left unguarded any longer than necessary…" He stared at Kaname's face, hoping that she was playing some cruel kind of prank. "You did this, while I was gone?"

"Yes," Kaname's voice was very weak. She began feeling guilty, but stopped. She had a right to her own heart. It wasn't her intention to hurt someone who had been so loyal and true, but she had to fair to herself first and foremost. What was the point of furthering a relationship that would never be everything she wanted it to be? "We went on a date. Both of us had a really good time, and we made plans to go out again. It just felt good. I felt relaxed. For a while, I felt as if I were a normal girl." She didn't want to go into details, telling him how she would always be aware of her Whispered status when he was around, or how tired she was of security precautions and limits to the way she led her life.

"But, you are _not_ a normal girl." Sousuke hadn't meant that unkindly, but he could tell that it wasn't what Kaname wanted to hear. What was he arguing with her for, anyway? Kaname was not one to change her mind. He just hated giving up, that's all. And, he still felt an obligation and duty towards her. "I… this does not necessarily have to change my mission… I can still…" His voice ran down.

Kaname shook her head. "Thank you. That's very noble of you. It's the kind of guy you are." She felt tears coming to her eyes. "I wish this didn't happen. But it did. And I think that I'll be happier some day because of it." her voice broke. "I really want you to be happy too, Sousuke. You deserve it even more than I do." She couldn't look at him. He had been through so much pain in his life. Now she was the one adding to it.

"I'm… I don't know what to do…" Sousuke stood numb, almost as if he was separate from the world around him. It was a strange feeling. He was still clueless, and sometimes jumped to the wrong conclusion or made an incorrect decision. But he usually had some idea of what to do, right or wrong. "You went out with him before. It was a fun day, but you decided that you didn't want to go out with him. That could happen again."

"Sousuke…" Kaname reached out to comfort him, but stopped. That wouldn't help him. She couldn't imagine what it would have been like for her before, had he surprised her when he came back from a mission, saying that he had slept with Tessa. "We've been out more than just twice. I don't always make it back to my room at night." That was about as delicately as she could put it.

"You…" Sousuke tensed up. Images ran through his mind, the type he didn't need to see. He couldn't believe that this was happening to him. He had opened up his feelings to Kaname. They had been through so much together. She had become the focal point of his world. "I don't understand. Was I so unskilled? If I was not so quiet. Perhaps if I could have acted more like other men…"

"You're a great guy just the way you are, Sousuke. Don't ever think differently. You didn't do anything wrong." Kaname didn't want to prolong this any longer. Her heart was about to break. "I hope that you'll still be my friend. I'll always be there to help you, any way I can. I owe you so much. I know that." She didn't tell him that his kindness and persistence had gotten her to be truer to her feelings, and to take risks that she otherwise never would have taken.

"I see. That is what they say to the soldiers that serve adequately, but never receive promotion." Sousuke ran a hand through his hair absentmindedly. "You did very well. Your actions were a credit to the unit. We would not be the fighting force we are today without men of your caliber." He looked down at his weapons bag. Somehow it felt like nothing to him now. At the same time, it felt like everything. "I understand…"

"No…" Kaname sighed. The way that Sousuke was feeling now, nothing would make him feel better. "I'm sorry, Sousuke. But, I have to do what's best for me. Even if it means hurting someone I care about so very much. I know that probably doesn't mean anything to you now…"

"I will continue moving onward, Kaname." Sousuke knew the feeling. He had picked himself up after his parents' deaths. He had found a new home when the mujahaideen had no further use for a foreigner. He had made his way to Mithril. He had adjusted to the strange world of high school and human emotions. As long as he had legs, he would be able to stand. As long as he could stand, he would be able to walk on. "I will not give up hope…." He knew that he should. All he was doing was clinging to a dream he had not wanted to end.

"I should go now, Sousuke." Kaname hesitated a moment, and then walked over to the door. "Good bye."

"Good bye, Kaname."

The lights came on. Sousuke realized that he was sitting up on the couch, his blanket on the floor. He had somehow managed to knock over one of the flower arrangements on the end table.

"Sousuke, are you alright? I heard a noise." Kaname stood over by the light switch, looking like she had been startled awake. Her pajamas were a bit big for her, and didn't have the big fluffy slippers she usually wore on the cold floor of the living room. "I was scared. I thought someone might have made a move on the apartment or something."

Sousuke blinked repeatedly, and then rubbed his eyes. He looked around the room slowly, as if he wasn't certain where he really was. He let out a long sigh. It had only been a bad dream. "It was an unpleasant dream," he said. "I…"

"What was it about," Kaname came over and stood near the couch. She bent over, picked up a remote, and turned off the TV and DVD player that were still on. "Was it about your last mission?"

"No." Sousuke shook his head. "It was… it was much worse than that kind of dream…" He still had nightmares after particularly difficult missions, where innocents ended up being killed in the crossfire, or women and children died because he and his allies couldn't stop the enemy quickly enough.

Kaname sat down on the couch. She yawned again, feeling as if her eyes were burning. "Why don't you tell me about it."

Sousuke told her as much of the dream as he could remember. He actually shivered at one part, prompting Kaname to pick up his blanket and drape it around his shoulders. She leaned up against him for a moment, and then pulled back and looked up into his eyes.

"It was only a fight, Sousuke." She constantly reminded herself that she had to be careful how she reacted around him. While he looked like a young man, part of him was very much like a young child. It was hard to remember that some times, seeing him do what he did, better than men much older than he was. "I know I got very angry. And I said things I shouldn't have. That happens to couples, you know? Even to those that love each other as much as I love you…" She tugged at a lock of his unruly hair. "…And as much as I hope you love me."

"It seemed so real. Maybe I wonder if you might be better off with…" He stopped speaking when Kaname put a finger over his mouth.

"I think the same thing sometimes." She flinched, realizing how that sounded. "No, not about you. About _me_, Sousuke. I got really really mad at you tonight. But it was mostly my fault. But, I still made you go sleep out here on the couch." She lowered her eyes for a moment. "I sometimes think you deserve better than that." She looked him in the eyes again. "I don't clobber you with a halisen any more, but there are worse ways to treat someone."

"That is foolish, Kaname. You know how much you mean to me. there is no other woman who could possibly…" He stopped. It was two fingers this time.

"I was the foolish one? _Hmmmm? _Do you really think that I could ever find someone else like you…" Kaname smiled. "In a good way, I mean." She leaned against him again and pulled his arm around her.

"I do not know, Kaname. Perhaps that is why I…" Three fingers this time. If he did that to her, she would probably bite him. Life was unfair in some ways.

"You're a part of me, Sousuke. Maybe even the best part." Kaname poked him in the chest. "Just don't expect me to admit that I said that tomorrow when we wake up!" She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm a part of you too, you big idiot. There's nothing I need that I don't have with you. OK?"

Sousuke nodded his head. He picked up the couch pillows off of the floor, arranging them where his head was. He laid his blanket out on the couch. Knowing that there was no way he could get back to sleep, he turned the TV back on. He then turned on the DVD player, intent on finding the part of 'The Longest Day' that he had fallen asleep during.

"Give me that." Kaname grabbed the remote. She turned things off again. "What do you think that you are doing, mister?" She stood up and looked down at Sousuke.

"Kaname?" Sousuke cocked his head.

"Come on, Sousuke." Kaname grabbed his hand and began pulling him towards the bedroom.

"But… our fight… you said…" Sousuke looked perplexed.

"We can start again in the morning, if you really want to." Kaname put her hands on her hips.

"Uhhh… that will not be necessary."

Kaname turned out the lights.

**THE END**


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Full Metal Panic