South of Nowhere 1. Welcome to the fall out

It's been one year since she left me. One year, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes, 315,360,000 seconds. Today is the one year anniversary of Ashley's death. I still can not accept it, and I doubt I ever will. I have so many mixed emotions inside of me that have resided in my heart since the day she left. Anger, angry at the doctors who could not help her, confusion, confused why she was not able to have the surgery, hurt, every part of my is hurting, physically and mentally, and devastation, devastated by the loss of my angel, my one true love. Above all these emotions is love, the love I had…have for Ashley is something that will never change. It will never dim or falter, I will never doubt it and I will never replace it.

One whole year of my life has been spent like this. Thinking of her, missing her. Thinking about her scent; sweet, like a strawberry daiquiri with a hint of mystery mixed in. Remembering the way time stood still when our lips met, like we were the only ones on the face of the earth and nothing else mattered for those few seconds as long as I was in her arms. I thought about the way that I could feel her, feel her presence. I didn't even have to look up and I knew she had entered the room. Her presence was tangible; she had an air about her that was unmistakable, just like her voice. I would never forget that voice. The voice that had so many ranges but was undeniably Ashley's, no matter what tone it carried. The voice that seemed to flow from those lips, those lips were my heaven on earth. Those lips that belonged to that face, the face of an angel, of my angel. My angel, Ashley was always my angel, and always will be.

Despite her past I know that she belongs in a good place and will always protect me no matter where she is. When I was younger I thought of an angel as a lady in a white robe with wings and a halo, a woman that carried a certain radiant glow that could not be obtained by any earthy inhabitant. My perspective on angels has changed since I met Ash. Though, Ash always seemed to have a radiant glow. It was part of mystery that was Ashley Davies that drew me to her. God what I wouldn't to do have that heaven on earth, maybe then I would be able to see my angel.

The day that Ashley died is a day that will be eternally embedded into my memory. It is something that can not be erased. We knew that it was coming, and it was expected, but knowledge and anticipation can not even begin to prepare you for this type of loss. When Ashley was diagnosed with Chron's Disease it wasn't a huge shock. It was hereditary; her mom had also had the disease as well as a long line of women before her. Ashley started having the stomach pains about half way through our senior year of high school. They weren't bad at first and, for the most part, slid under her radar. She continued to brush them off until it got to the point where she was having these pains at least three times a day, shooting through her abdomen, rendering her life less.

I still remember the pain that set her over the edge. We were walking on the beach, something we hadn't done in a wile due to her constant pains.

She felt bad for always wanting to stay home. I however felt nothing but the utmost sympathy for Ash. She felt guilty, like she was holding me back, but what she didn't understand that I would rather be with her than anywhere else, no matter the situation. She never liked to show emotion, especially if it made her vulnerable. She would remain completely stoic during the attacks, the only sign of pain being her grasping her stomach and slightly hunching over. But I could always read Ashley like a book, the result of our 5 year relationship.

Anyway, back to the story. We were walking back to our spot under the pier, having just been grabbing a bite to eat at a small café near the beach.

_We were walking hand in hand and talking about what we were going to do with the rest of our summer, seeing as we would be going off to college in a couple months. Ashley grew quiet and hung her head, something that was all too familiar to me, and I knew what was coming. We stopped walking and she clutched her bare stomach with her arm, wrapping it around her torso. She did not let go of my hand, though. Instead she gripped it tight, she squeezed my hand with all the strength she had. Like she was trying to transfer all the pain from her attack into my hand, and I would carry that cross for her. I ignored the throbbing in my hand and focused my attention on Ashley._

_ I avoided touching her too much when she had these attacks because sometimes it only made the matter worse, the pain too much for her body to be focusing on any other feeling. But this attack was different, I could tell. I took one look at Ashley and immediately knew that this was different._

_She suddenly collapsed into my arms and I held onto her with all my might, feeling that if I let her go she'd sink into the sand, never to return, her only companion that pain residing in her body. We sat down in the sand and she curled up into the fetal position in my lap. She was so vulnerable at that moment, so open and fragile. I knew I had to protect her, knowing that if I didn't the slightest wrong action may ensure that I lose my angel. I wrapped my arms around her and slowly rubbed small circles on her bare shoulder blade, something that I knew has comforted her since she was a child. We sat in the sand for at least an hour before the pain subsided. By that point her face was already stained with tears, tears that had been so strong for the whole duration of the pain that it seemed they had formed permanent gullies in her cheeks, ready for the damn to break again and the new water would fill the dried streams. I found it hard to hold back my own tears. Seeing the person you love in so much pain, and knowing that you can do nothing at all, can have that effect on you. She looked at me and spoke to me with her eyes. There was an understanding that she was in trouble, that she needed help. Just one look in her eyes showed me that lost little girl, totally helpless and scared beyond belief. I took her in my arms again and she rested her head in the crook of my neck. We sat there until the sun went down, and just before she fell asleep on my chest I whispered in her ear, "Don't be afraid to fall Ashley, no matter how many times you fall I will always be there to catch you and I will never let you go." With that she fell asleep. I carried her to the car and drove to our apartment. As I looked at her small figure in the rearview mirror I made a silent vow to protect her, even after the day I die I will always look after her. I made the call to the doctor the next morning and scheduled an appointment with a specialist._

_I made a promise to protect her and this is the first step, healing._


	2. This is not a laughing matter

**Today was, well I'd love to say it was better, but honestly it was the same as every tedious day since she left. Every hour, every minute, every second has dragged on, like they would never end. It was as if it took an hour for every second to pass, a day for every minute, and an eternity for every day, and every single one of them hurt like hell.**

When I woke up the next morning Ash was still asleep. I couldn't help but stare at her. She looked so peaceful, something I hadn't seen in a wile. What I didn't know then was that this peace would become increasingly rare, only to appear a few more times before she was gone.

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Spencer laid there for a good 20 minutes before Ashley began to stir. She watched as the brunette softly mumbled something along the lines of "wuh…what? No, please don't pet the pizza." After drawling out this nonsense statement the girl rolled over and protectively draped her arm over her girlfriend's stomach. She held onto Spencer tight, as if this act would the blonde from her unseen predator. Soon after this unconscious act of affection the brunette quickly threw her arm up into the air, only to have gravity defy her, causing her arm to come careening down to earth and meet her own face with a full force. A startled and newly awaken Ashley shot up with a confused and shocked look on her face.

_"What the hell?"_ Ashley mumbled, rubbing her stinging forehead. Spencer, who had already been thrown into a fit of laughter, could no longer contain the tears that were threatening to drop due to her hysterical uproar. Ashley, just having noticed the blonde in her bed, jumped off the bed with a squeal and a priceless face. Her mixed facial expression read somewhere in between "You just scared the living shit out of me!" and "Oh my God, I can not believe she just saw me do that."

Ashley's reaction only fueled the blonde's laughter. She had reached the point where her face was bright red and her laughter had become silent due to the lack of oxygen in her lungs. It was then that Ash realized that her girlfriend found nothing but extreme humor in the situation. She then decided to give the blonde a little situation of her own.

Before Spencer had a chance to react she was already being tackled off the bed and toppling onto the hard wooden floor. They both continued laughing, Spencer now laughing with Ashley rather than at her…okay so maybe she was still laughing _at_ her, but Ash didn't have to know that.

"_So Ash, you plan on telling me why the hell you were petting that pizza?" _Spencer asked, still giggling.

"_Huh?"_ Ashley was left still incredibly confused as to exactly what Spencer had witnessed prior to her laughing fit.

"Before you slapped yourself…" Spencer chuckled as Ashley began to recall the events, bashfully hanging her head in her hands, "you were mumbling something about petting a pizza?"

"Oh my God, Spence! That was the scariest dream ever!"

"Are you serious?" Spencer was not sure if she should be relieved, disappointed, or a little worried.

"Umm…yea." Reacting to the incredulous face that the blonde was now giving her. "Hey, you weren't there, don't you judge me…he was one fucking bad ass pizza."

"He?" The blonde managed to get out amidst her own laughter.

"Yes, all villains are guys," the brunette stated in a rather blunt tone. "I thought you would have realized that after over two years of being with a girl."

"Alright, Ash, whatever you say." Spencer finished with an amused sigh.

"Glad you see things me way." With that the brunette smiled, kissed her girlfriend on the forehead and rose to her feet. "So what do you want to do today?"

"Umm…eat. What do you want for breakfast?" Spencer now noticing the rumbling growing in her empty stomach, having not eaten since before the incident on the beach the previous night.

"Eh, I'm not eating."

"Since when?" Spencer asked shocked, she had never known Ashley Davies to turn down a meal…ever. The girl attacked any food in front of her like a shark attacking its prey, hell she would probably beat out the shark.

"Whoa, down girl! Not for good, I just don't feel good right now."

"…Alright, but if you don't eat lunch again I'm force feeding you." Ashley just laughed and shook her head, reaching out her hand to help her girlfriend off the floor. The brunette was starting to worry Spencer with her eating habits. She had been skipping breakfast because she insisted that it "made her stomach feel like shit for the rest of the day." She also would sometimes skip lunch, blaming it on the stomach pains, saying that if she even looked at it she would be sick. Spencer then remembered her phone call with Ashley's new doctor. "Speaking of not feeling well, I called your doctor."

"Oh yea?" Ashley asked, feigning interest.

"Yea, he said you could go in at 10:00am tomorrow morning."

"Alright." Ashley blandly stated, as she began nervously picking at her nails.

"Hey, Spence?" Ash managed to get out after a few minutes of silence.

"Mmm?" Spencer responded vaguely, having been mildly interested in the small thread hanging from the hem of her shirt. The nervous tone of the brunette's voice eventually caught her ear, causing her to lift her head up and meet worried brown eyes.

"You think you could go with me tomorrow?" Ashley quietly pleaded, her nervousness now fully showing.

Now more than slightly concerned Spencer answered, "of course, babe," kissing her forehead. "I was planning on going anyway; you couldn't get me to leave you alone if you tried." She added, smiling.

"Oh believe me; I'm not putting up a fight." The brunette stated, now also giggling. "Though, you are soooo damn sexy when you're angry." She purred into the blonde's ear, arching her right eye brow.

After recovering from the shivers that were sent through her body, Spencer wittily replied. "And you are soooo damn cute when you're acting dorky." "Fortunate for you." She added the last part with a laugh.

"Aw thanks…hey wait, what's that supposed to mean? Fortunate for me?"

"Oh don't worry, it just means that you're cute 24/7."

"Oh! Okay" After thinking about the blondes statement for a little longer, it's true meaning finally sunk in. "Hey!" She shouted, throwing a pillow from her bed at Spencer, hitting the blonde in the face.

This, of course, instilled a full out pillow fight, ending in both the girls laying back in bed exhausted, just like they were only 10 minutes earlier.

---------------------------------------- End Flashback ------------------------------------------------

I miss those days; the days were we would laugh at anything and everything. There seemed to be less and less of them as Ash's disease progressed.

I still remember going to the doctor's office the next day. When we arrived at the office the doctor was waiting with the specialist. After analyzing the situation, both the doctor and the specialist agreed that Ash had, in fact, inherited the family disease. The only thing left to confirm the disease was the test results. Really though, the only thing the test results would provide was the ability to get medications. Medications which would be changed at least 20 times before they settled on her last prescription 1 year later. The results would not provide closure, and they would not provide comfort, we all knew that it was looming there, you could feel it in the air; the sense of the many painful years, months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds that awaited her. We all knew that Ash had Chron's Disease before we even got to the office; God knows how long Ash knew.

I remember leaving the office. Ash was so composed through the whole meeting. Her expression never faltering, almost stoic. But as soon as we got into the car, her strong walls crumbled and her defenses failed. One look into her eyes was all that it took for her to completely break down. She collapsed into my arms, her tears now flowing freely.

That was the third time that she had broken down in front of me, in my arms. The first being when her dad died, the second on the beach, and now this. Once again she was totally open and vulnerable; once fragile but now broken. With the knowledge of the disease came the looming sense of mortality. Knowing that one day it would all become too much pain for her body to handle. Her body would reject the medication, and perform a mutiny on her own will. She would try and struggle and fight as hard as she could with all the strength in her fragile body. This was out of her control though. She had seen it all before, watched her mother slowly deteriorate until she became nothing more than an empty, feeble skeleton. Lifeless, rendered totally helpless; lying in the hospital bed which looked to be about 3 times her size.

Spencer soon became the one watching the decline. She would watch her love, her angel go through the same devastating and painful process as the elder Davies woman. She knew that she wasn't prepared to handle that, but she also knew that she had to. She had to be strong; she owed it to the brunette. If Ashley was no longer able to carry on, or no longer believed that she could or even wanted to; Spencer would carry her. She would keep her vow to protect Ash. She would not let her slip away, not just yet, she was too strong to fail herself and everyone around, too strong to let the world beat her. Let her critics believe that they were right, that she was nothing more than an act, that she would never be able to make it on her own and carry her own weight.

Spencer needed her to stay strong too; she needed this heaven on earth, which was only attainable when she was with Ashley. She needed her angel, and her angel needed its guardian. They became one, one machine, one body; filling in the empty spaces of the other, fueling their shared body and forcing it to carry on.


	3. A dishonest attempt

I almost did it today. I was so close. All it would have taken was one slight movement from my wrist, and it all would have been over. The sleek steel blade held tight against my throat, beckoning for the one jolt that would allow it to fulfill its purpose.

I stood in front of the sink, starring into the mirror. As I studied my reflection it became increasingly obvious that the _"person"_ in the mirror was not me. That could not possibly be me. My eyes have gone cold and dead due to sheer lack of emotion. My face pale and plain, washed out from lack of energy and life. Dark bags have formed under my eyes, forged by countless sleepless nights. I hardly sleep at all lately. When I am defeated by the weight of my eyelids and drift off into sleep, I'm soon awakened by the most deadly, horrifying, yet completely true nightmares. This person is not me, not the same happy blue-eyed blonde I was just 4 years ago. This person is a zombie, lifeless and void of emotion.

The image in the mirror just stared back at me, almost smiling, mocking me. Knowing full well that I wouldn't follow through with my plan yet daring me to do it. _Do it, just do it. Go ahead, you know you want to. If you do this the pain will go away. Don't you want to be happy again? If you do this you will be as happy as you were when you were with her. You will never feel pain again; you can not be hurt again. If you do this you will be stronger. All the people who were in your life will think of you as a hero if you do this. You need to do this. If you don't do this, the results will be costly, and you will eternally suffer._

I could no longer stand listening to the lies being fed to me by the creature in the glass staring back at me. With the same fist that held the knife, I annihilated the mirror with one devastating blow of my fist, transferring all the anger that had been built by its false security blankets into the punch. I knew that none of this was true. I knew that the pain would remain. I knew that I would not be happy. I knew that I would always hurt. I knew that this would only make me weaker, and that I would only be seen as a weak and pathetic excuse for a human who couldn't handle her own problems in life. And above all, I knew that no matter which choice I made, I would always suffer.

I want to say that the pain would have gone away, but I doubt that that will ever happen. I can't even remember the last time I was happy. I haven't been depressed, just not happy. I haven't felt much at all since Ashley died. The best way to describe my current state would be to say that I was numb. Emotionally numb. I still felt the pain inside of me, and I still miss Ash. I still regret everything I ever did to hurt her, and I still believe that I could have done more to help her. But what no longer remains is the effect that anything had on me after her death. I no longer felt joy. I no longer felt remorse, sympathy, empathy, compassion, motivation, faith. If it was not present the day that Ashley died, it no longer had any effect on me. It's as if all my other emotions are buried 6 feet deep, lying with my love. The only things that remained were pain, sorrow, anger, frustration, my love for Ashley, and the empty feeling in my heart that ruled over the expanse of my body, actions, and thoughts.

I have tried so many times, too many times, to follow through with this act. I've tried to take that last step off the ledge of my apartment building. I've wished that I had taken enough of those pills to eternally black me out. I never pushed just quite hard enough on that blade, no matter the lethal location. And I was never able to give the final tug of my finger to send the cocked pistol into action.

I still do not know what was holding me back. I want to tell myself that I was the one stopping me, that I was in control of my own fate, but I'd be lying. If it had been up to me this would have been over long ago. I would already be with my Angel, living the happy life we once had together. But I think she knows that it is not what's meant to be. She knows believes that I still have a purpose on this earth, and she's trying to show me that. She is the voice in my head that tells the image in the mirror that it's lying to me. She holds my hand steady when I have the cold steel pressed against my pale skin or the pistol resting against my temple. She is the one who knocks the bottle into the sink, sending the majority of the pills down the drain. She is my guardian angel. She is the only thing protecting me from myself, protecting me from the lifeless monster that I have become. She is the one who will watch over me, grabbing my wrist, and dragging me down the right path. She will not take a backseat to my safety. My angel will save me, and she will watch over me until I learn to help my self. And she will continue to watch over me until it is time for us to see each other again, face to face.


	4. Some cheesy romance flick

"This just isn't fair, Spence." Ashley ranted as she stormed through the apartment door after another meeting with her doctor. They had just prescribed her yet another pill to take. This was the third time this month that they had changed her prescription.

"I know baby, but when has life ever been fair?" Spencer inquired in a serious tone.

"Okay, can we cut the insightful crap for one minute?!?" shouted the brunette. She was past her tolerance point and had zoomed by the state of frustration about 2 hours ago.

"..Sorry" the blonde mumbled, sounding defeated and truly apologetic. "It's ok, and I'm sorry. I don't mean to snap at you like that. It's just… I have a lot to deal with right now and even more on my mind, so the more that gets loaded into my brain the higher my anger level gets. And I'm trying to deal with it but I can only handle so much, I try not to lash out but it's easier to take it out on the people who are close to you because I know…I know this sounds bad, but I know that you'll still love me and forgive me after. Ugh I'm sorry, Spence."

"It's okay, I get it. I just don't know how to help; I don't know what to say. I feel totally useless just sitting here and nodding." The blonde stated, flopping down onto the couch. "You don't have to say anything really. I know that most of the time there really isn't anything you ican /isay." Ashley began, as she joined Spencer on the couch. "Just the fact that you're here with me and I know that you're still listening is enough. I just need someone, someone to care, I'm glad that that person is you, Spence." The blonde couldn't help but smile at the last statement, but it was more of a sad smile. "Of course, Babe. You know that I'll always be here for you. Especially during times like this. I'm going to help you get through this ya' know." The blonde continued as she got off the couch and walked to the counter, picking up a small orange bottle, "and part of you getting better, is forcing these magical little pills down your throat." She finished with a small giggle as she held the bottle out to her girlfriend.

"Uggghhh, Spencerrrrrr. Come on now, I'm a grown woman, you can't force me to take those pills." Ashley groaned, covering her face with a pillow. "No you're right, I can't" The blonde began, noticing the curious and mildly shocked look on her girlfriend's face, the look of mistaken triumph. "But I can withhold certain things until you do take them." She finished with a sly look and an arched eyebrow. The shocked and defeated look on Ashley's face was enough glory for the blonde, but her comment added to her feeling of victory. "You wouldn't." Ashley stated, in an almost pleading tone. "Oh I would, and I will, unless, of course, you take the pills." "Ughhh fine" Grumbled the brunette, now totally defeated. "You are so cruel sometimes, that little innocent act isn't fooling anyone ya' know." "It seemed to have fooled you." "Yea, maybe in the beginning, but once I got past you're little Ohio farm girl charm that innocence thing was a total bust." "Oh shut up, you know you loved every bit of that farm girl charm…and apparently it hasn't worn off yet, I mean, what L.A. city slicker could have gotten the infamous Ashley Davies to force down a pill the size of her fist by threatening the refusal of sex?" "….Damn you and your Mid-Western charm, Carlin." "Yea that's what I thought." The blonde smirked, once again basking in the glory of her victory.

Ashley slowly walked her self over to the counter to pick up the pills that Spencer had laid out. "Jesus Christ! You weren't kidding when you said these things were the size of my fist! My god, there more like the size of my fucking head!" Ashley shouted in amazement and annoyance, starring at the three very large blue pills that she held in her palm, each measured about an inch and a half long and about a half an inch wide. "This is crazy, Doc's totally out of his mind! Does he see the size of me? Does it really look like I can fit that huge thing down my throat?!?"

"You can and you will, now quite grumbling and down the pill so we can get out of here." Mumbled Spencer. She was starting to grow tired of Ashley's pill dramatics for the day, she just wanted to get in the shower and go out to dinner like they had planned.

"Can you at least cut it in half? Pleeeeassseeee, Spence?" She pleaded with a puppy face, complete with sad eyes and a pouting lip.

"Ugh fine," said Spencer, cutting the pills in half. "Now you have six, enjoy your majesty." "Why thank you my good sir…ermm ma'am" "Nice, real nice Ash." Spencer mumbled with a laugh. "Now come on! I wana get out of here." "Fine, fine, fine." Said Ashley, swallowing the pills. "Alright let's go."

Ashley was a little puzzled as to why Spencer was rushing her. They still had about 3 hours before their reservations at the restaurant. Spencer had reserved a booth at the restaurant where they had eaten the night of their three month anniversary, the night that they had finally declared their love for each other.

Spencer wanted this night to be absolutely perfect. She told Ashley to get ready but not to dress up too much. Spencer told her to put her dress in the car and they would change before they went into the restaurant. She received numerous questions from Ashley for this, and wasn't surprised; it was a pretty odd demand. But Ashley complied none the less, just as Spencer knew she would. Tonight was the night of their three year anniversary.

Spencer had it planned out to a tee. They left around 6pm; their reservations were not until 8:30. She would carry out her plan, do what needed to be done, and then they would head over to the restaraunt. As soon as they got in the car, Spencer handed Ashley a blindfold and told her to put it on. Ashley kept it on the whole ride, but she knew, from many years traveling the same route, exactly where they were headed.

When they reached the beach Spencer got out of the car and opened Ashley's door. Ash made a move to remove the blindfold but Spencer stopped her. "Wait, we're not there yet." As they made their way down the beach to the water side, Spencer held Ashley's hand, directing her towards their destination.

Once they reached the pier, they stopped. Spence removed the blindfold and watched as Ashley's eyes opened and her facial expression turned from that of confusion to one of shock and awe. As the brunette beheld the sight before her, she couldn't help but let her jaw drop. Before her lay a clean white blanket adorned in deep red rose petals. The blanket was bordered by dozens of large wine colored and white candles, all burning bright. There was a CD player hidden somewhere playing a mix that Spencer had made for Ashley on their one month anniversary, full of songs describing their relationship and declaring their love. The whole display was perfectly finished off with the back drop of an empty, peaceful beach, and a blazing pink and orange sunset. It was a scene right out of a cheesy romance flick, and Ashley couldn't love it anymore if she tried.

When Ashley finally regained her composure she turned to her blonde beauty with a smile stretching from ear to ear. "This is absolutely gorgeous, Spence" she stated, voice full of gratitude, still grinning like an idiot.

"I know you are," replied the blonde, as she closed the distance between them, joining their lips with a soft yet passionate kiss. The kiss was filled with emotion just as Spencer had hoped. She knew that this was the right time.

"Seriously, Spence, this is amazing; it must have taken you forever to plan it." Ashley stated in amazement, starring at the sunset. Spencer walked in front of her and rested her forehead against her girlfriend's.

"Yea a little while, ya know trying to time the sunset and what not. But you were worth every minute of it." iThis is it./i Though the blonde.

"Ashley, you know you are worth every minute of my life, and you make every minute of my life worth living. I love you so much. I will always love you and nothing will ever change that." She drew in a breath as she mentally prepared for what she was about to say. This one sentence could change her life forever. "No one has ever made me as happy as you have. No one will ever come close. You are my world, my life…which is why I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Getting down on one knee, she looked up at her brunette beauty. Removing the black box from her pocket, and opening it, she proceeded. "Ashley Davies, will you marry me?"

"Oh my God…" Ashley face was filled with shock for what seemed to be the hundredth time that night. She was so stunned that she didn't realize how long she had been standing in front of the girl on one knee, saying absolutely nothing. She eventually came to and saw the worrying look on the girl's face; she knew that she had to erase her worries.

Ashley cupped her girlfriend's face and pulled her into the most passionate kiss either of them had ever experienced. It was filled with every ounce of love that was running through the girls bodies, and that love was growing by the second. Both girls began to feel dizzy; they weren't sure if it was due to the lack of oxygen or because the kiss literally had them on cloud nine. When they finally broke the kiss they rested their foreheads against the others.

"So is that a yes?" Spencer asked, still trying to catch her breath. "Yes, a million times yes. I love you Spencer Carlin." Now beaming, the blonde replied in a tone full of adoration, "And I love you too Ashley Davies, more than life itself."


	5. If these walls could talk

I think I'm going to sell the apartment, _our_ apartment. I haven't even been able to sleep in _our_ room since she ...left. My god I still kills me to say it…well that didn't help. _It kills me to say she's dead…nice choice of words, Spence._ Ugh, but it really does. I can't stand it, I know I sound selfish but I can't stand being without her. It's like a huge part of me is missing, and really, it is. She was my heart, my soul, hell she was my whole life. She was the first thing I thought about before I went to sleep and the first thing I thought about when I woke up. She was also the only thing I was able to think about in between. I think about her at school when I'm supposed to be memorizing medical terms, rather than every curve of her body. I think about her at work when I'm supposed to be thinking about the customers sitting at the table, rather than Ashley lying on top of it. I actually don't even need the job anyway, so I guess it doesn't really matter if I focus or not. At least, it wouldn't matter if it weren't for the fact that the only reason I had taken the job in the first place was to get my mind off of her. I really didn't need the money; Ash had already taken care of that. She left all the cash she had made in her own music business to me, as well as what ever was left of her rather large trust fund. So, did I need to work for money? No. But I did need to work for my sanity. I can not stay in that house all day, there was nothing to do _but_ think of her.

She had basically preformed an overhaul on my brain and used her infectious Ashley Davies' smile. All these memories of her come back full force, blind siding me like an invisible freight train, annihilating all possible chance of getting anything done at all without being incredibly depressed; which is exactly why I need to sell this apartment.

This place holds way too many memories. Memories of us, of her, of the life we had before that fucking disease, of the life we had before she died…but mostly memories of her. I miss her so much, too much, every day. This house is just a constant reminder that she's gone, like I don't have enough all ready. I've been sleeping in the guest room ever since the last time she went into the hospital. I sometimes slept on the couch, because the guest room was right across the hall from our room and I couldn't even look at the door without thinking of her. Basically every part of this house has been "tagged" by us. That counter, the couch, that door, the walls, that table, this rug, and yes, even the kitchen sink, has been tagged by us. _Damn we never lost that "horny teenager" thing…not that I'm complaining or anything. Wow Spence, you can't even grieve without getting all hot thinking about her. Jesus, she's still got that hold on you. _Um, yea as I was saying. She's all I think about now, even more than before, and it hurts, more than ever. I need to get out of here.

But then I start to think again. _Yea, sure it can hurt a lot sometimes; but do you really want to throw away all of those memories? Do you want to get rid of everything you shared so that it might hurt a little bit less? It doesn't sound very logical any more, does it? No, not really. I'll miss her too much, even more, if possible. Ugh, what am I going to do?_

As I open the closet in our bedroom, my question is answered. Before me, hidden by two large white garment bags, hang our wedding dresses. I remember going shopping together. Ashley didn't care about the stupid superstition about seeing the bride in her dress before the wedding. I remember the exact moment that she walked out of the dressing room with her dress on. It was a scene right out of a movie, times 10. She looked absolutely, and literally, radiant. Drop dead gorgeous, stunningly beautiful, I could go on. The dress fit her to a tee.

FLASH BACK

"Spence?" Ashley asked from behind the dressing room door.

"Out here, babe" replied the blonde, sitting in a chair, flipping through a magazine. She had already picked up her dress the week prior and now was waiting on Ashley to try on hers.

As soon as the brunette stepped out of the changing room, Spencer's jaw dropped, literally. The site before her was so beautiful that she seemed to have temporarily lost all proper use of her motor skills, she was borderline drooling.

Ashley was wearing a gorgeous, sleek, floor length, silk, strapless, off white wedding gown. It had a long train and a beaded and lace detailed bust. That was the first time that Spencer honestly though that she was in the presence of an angel. And Ashley really, honest to God, looked like an angel. She was almost giving off a glow. Spence knew her girlfriend was beautiful, but she had never really realized just how gorgeous she could truly be. That moment would forever be embedded into the blonde's mind, the moment that she fell in love with Ashley Davies, for the second time.

"Hey there, care to pick your jaw up off the floor, wipe off that drool, and help me out of this thing?" Ashley pleaded, successfully snapping her girlfriend out of her trance.

"Oh, it would be my pleasure, Miss Davies." Replied the blonde, arching her right eyebrow and giving the other girl a sly smile.

"Sorry, I don't do public shows" responded Ashley.

"Humph, since when???" replied the blonde, pouting.

"Hey!" whined the younger girl, slapping Spencer on the arm. "I don't want to be in this thing any longer than I have to. So shut up and help me out of here before I shut you off till the wedding night!"

"Coming!" shouted Spencer, shooting out of her seat.

"Now what did I just tell you about public shows?" joked Ashley.

"Haha and you call me the perv. Psht!" Joked the blonde, unzipping the dress.

"So off-white, huh? Fits you perfectly." Began Spencer.

"Yeah? Why's that?"

"Well you **are **a little _off_."

"Hehehe, you're just full of jokes today aren't you?" Ashley retorted. "Well, your dress is perfect too. Boring and pale, just like you." Joked the younger girl.

"Ouch! That burnt!" Squealed the blonde, almost seriously hurt by the comment

"Yea, yea, whatever. So you like the dress?" asked Ashley, stepping out of said dress.

Spencer was stunned into silence. She thought she had made it pretty damn obvious that she was at an absolute loss for words when she saw her girlfriend in the dress. She was now starring at Ashley like she had another head growing out of her shoulder.

"Are you serious?" she asked in disbelief.

"Umm yea? Why wouldn't I be?" asked Ashley, slightly confused.

"Ashley Marie, I'll say this once and I won't say it again." Began the blonde, "you look abso-fucking-lutely drop dead gorgeous, and stunningly beautiful in that dress. You literally rendered me speechless. If you do not shut up and buy that dress I will be forced, not at all against my will, to rip it off of you and buy it myself," stated the blonde in a serious tone, "got it?" The brunette simply nodded. "Good. Now let's go, I'm hungry."

I remember that dress. I love that dress. She really did look beautiful in it. She looked beautiful in anything, whether it was her wedding dress or a t-shirt and sweat pants. She really did have the ability to make sweat pants look sexy, and I loved it. She didn't even have to try, she had a natural beauty.

God I miss her. All this remising just made me realize something. I can not sell this house. I wouldn't even be able to. I really believe that it would hurt even more, selling our memories like that. No one else can ever have this house. The thought of selling out and giving away our memories of this house, of our relationship, seems almost sacrilegious now. I don't have much left of her, so I need to savor what I can. I'm keeping the house. I'm holding onto her. And I'm never letting go.


	6. Making Memories of Us

**[Continued from apartment chapter, Spencer's still sorting through boxes in the apartment…**

Spencer had just made it into Ashley's office. She had started going through all the boxes in the closet when she came across a large cardboard box with blocky writing scrawled across the side in sharpie. It was definitely Ash's hand writing, without a doubt, but what Spencer didn't understand was how she had never seen the box before. Across the box, in bold, messy script, read the simple word "Wedding."

Spence reached up to retrieve the box from the top shelf. She pulled the package down and dusted it off. The blonde hesitated at first, but then carefully opened the cardboard flaps that had secured its contents for those cherished years. Spencer reached into the box and pulled out an album, on the cover read the date, the place, and "Spencer Carlin & Ashley Davies, together forever." _My God, she's so cheesy._ The blue-eyed blonde quietly chuckled at the choice of words that faintly reminded her of a classic high-school yearbook couple.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FLASHBACK

Spencer took a deep steadying breath as she finally looked into deep anxiety filled pools of brown. She gathered all the courage in her small frame and offered up a small encouraging smile to the brunette standing in front of her. The smaller girl smiled back at her soon to be wife and squeezed her hand, silently giving her the courage that she needed to say those fateful words that would seal their future.

The blonde began her vows quietly, her voice growing stronger as she went on, finally getting the words that she had wanted to express for so long. Not just to Ashley, but to everyone in that room, everyone that ever doubted her or their love, everyone that ever judged her for simply being herself; but mostly to Ash, her rock, the one that had gotten her through the toughest years of her life and the one that she loved more than anything and anyone else in the world.

"Our relationship has been, by no means, easy; we always had people putting us down or getting in our way, but we fought through it. If what we went through together isn't a strong example of our bond, I'm not sure what is. But despite all the drama and ridicule and persecution that we endured, none of that controversy is what sticks out in my mind when I think of you, of our relationship. I think of the bond that held us together through all the tough times. I think of the countless times that we helped each other. I think of how much we've grown, together and individually. I think of the only person who can make me laugh when I don't even want to smile. I think of the girl who brightens my day, the girl whose smile lights up the room. I think of you, Ashley. You're the person who gives me a reason to get up in the morning. Waiting to see you is the reason I'm able to make it through the day. You're the only person who sees the real me and still loves every part of me. You know everything about me. You've seen me at my best worst and you still stuck around. You've been here for me since day one, and I know that you'll never leave, just as I will never leave you. I'll never give up on you, Ash. You are my life, my heart, my soul. You make every day of my life worth living, and I want to live every day of my life with you. I love you, Ashley."

Slipping the ring onto the brunette's finger, the blonde voice shook as she asked the most terrifying and finalizing question of her life. "Will you be my wife?"

Ashley took a deep, steadying breath and looked from the ring on her hand to the ocean blue eyes of the girl she loved. She finally released a shaky breath and answered the question that she knew the answer to since the first time she laid eyes on the blue-eyed beauty before her. "Yes, most definitely, yes." The blonde let out a sigh of relief and Ashley lightly chuckled, briefly wondering if the blonde was actually worried about what her answer would be.

Ashley, after being given the sign from the priest, gave Spencer's hand a light squeeze as she prepared to officially bind her heart and life to the girl before her. The shorter girl took a deep breath and looked into glowing blue eyes as she began her vows.

"Well you know, from personal experience, that I have never really been too great with expressing myself; well not in a verbal manner…okay not in a civil, verbal manner." She corrects herself on sight of the smirking blonde with a knowing look on her face. "Anyway, my point is that…I- I have never really been one to open up. I'm not exactly the world's best orator, so I decided that I'd sing you a song instead. This song that I'll be singing for my vows is not only really cheesy, but it says everything that's in my heart and more, but somehow not enough. I'm not sure if you'll ever really be able to fully understand how I feel about you, but I hope that this song can give you some idea…"

Spencer watched as Ashley carefully strode over to the piano that was carefully positioned on the corner of the altar.

"This is for you, Spence…" The brunette's eyes fluttered shut as her delicate fingers landed softly upon the piano keys. As the background music started to play, Ashley began to run her fingers over the ivory keys of the black baby grand piano positioned on the side of the alter. She opened her eyes for a moment, only to gain a visual connection with the already watering blue pools of her future bride. The smaller girl smiled at the blonde and closed her eyes again, allowing the first line of the song to flow smoothly to the heart of the love of her life.

_"Ohh ohh..._

When the visions around you,  
Bring tears to your eyes  
And all that surround you,  
Are secrets and lies  
I'll be your strength,  
I'll give you hope,  
Keeping your faith when it's gone  
The one you should call,  
Was standing here all along.."

Ashley glanced up at Spencer who was sporting a grin from ear to ear, fully recognizing the song that the brunette had chosen for her vows. Ashley could tell that the blonde was replaying the same memory that she was envisioning in her own mind; the two dancing on the beach to this exact song after Spencer proposed. She smiled at the blue-eyed blonde and returned her concentration to the song.

_"And I will take  
You in my arms  
And hold you right where you belong  
Till the day my life is through  
This I promise you_  
_This I promise you_

_Just close your eyes  
Each loving day  
I know this feeling won't go away  
Till the day my life is through  
This I promise you..  
This I promise you..._

_Over and over I fall  
When I hear you call  
Without you in my life baby  
I just wouldn't be living at all..."_

The blonde on the altar thought back on all the times where she would have a bad day, but as soon as she walked through the door and into Ash's arms, everything else just melted away. She thought about the way she'd hold Ash tight in her arms as she shook in pain. She cringed inside at the thought but kept her concentration on the song. Nothing was going to ruin this day.

_"Just close your eyes  
Each loving day  
I know this feeling won't go away  
Every word I say is true  
This I promise you"_

Ashley played out the end of the song, her slender fingers barely grazing the piano keys. When the song ended she looked up and smiled at the blonde before her. Deep brown eyes connected with now red-rimmed blue eyes which were now bordered by running mascara. Ashley smiled at the taller girl and then got up and walked back to the center of the alter, taking her place before the priest and her soon to be wife. She grasped Spencer's hand in her own and leaned forward, whispering into her ear "I love you so much Spence; today, tomorrow, forever."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[END FLASHBACK

Spencer smiled as she thought back on the non-traditional wedding. It was kind of hard to form a traditional Catholic Church wedding considering it was between two women; one the daughter of an ex-rock star, the other the daughter of a strict Christian mother and a laid back psychiatrist. But its untraditional style had no bearing on Spencer as she still thought it was the best wedding she had ever attended…of course she was slightly biased.

She thought back on their first dance together as a married couple. The song playing on the stereo was Edwin McCain's "I'll Be." Ash had fought the blonde on that up until the day of the wedding. She had requested so many other songs that, while being really great songs that described the couple well, were way too weird to have playing during their first dance. They went with the stereotypical song instead, but in the end, they both loved it. Nothing could have wrecked that moment, the DJ could have played the song to the chicken dance and neither of them would have noticed.

The blonde then thought back on the dance with her dad. They had chosen to dance to Tim McGraw's "My Little Girl." While the entire room laughed at the line that mentioned a boy asking for the girl's hand, it had always been their song; there was no use denying that the blonde was and always will be a daddy's girl.

Spencer looked back into the box and picked up a dusty CD case. She wiped the thin layer of dust off the top, revealing an old candid picture of the couple holding each other on the beach with the same inscription as the photo album scrawled beneath it. She smiled and ran her hand over the picture, tracing her wife's form.

The blonde slowly opened the case and placed the CD in the disk drive of her laptop. She listened to all the songs on the disk, finally coming to the last one. She listened intently as Ashley's voice languidly floated through the speakers. It was a recording of Ash softly singing Lone Star's "Amazed." It was one of their many songs, all of which were on their wedding CD.

Spencer listened carefully, taking in the voice that she had not heard in years but would recognize in a heart beat. As the last lines of the song serenaded her heart, the blonde watched her tears pool up on the CD case in her hands, removing whatever dust was left. Just as she was about to remove the disk, she heard Ashley's voice break through the silence. _"I love you, Spencer. Today, tomorrow, forever." _

Spencer stopped, her hand in mid air, hovering over disk drive. She settled back onto her place on the floor and picked up the case again, grazing her thumb across the picture, stopping over Ashley's cheek, just as she would if she were standing in front of her. "I love you too, Ash. Today, tomorrow, _forever_."


	7. Angels of the Silences

So here I sit, in this white room in an uncomfortable chair that matches the uncomfortable silence lingering in the room. I'm staring at anything and everything with extreme interest, as long as I don't meet the penetrating gaze of the man seated across from me. I take in the popcorn finish on the ceiling, the chipped paint on the window sill, and the cracked leather of my chair. I begin staring at my hands and picking at my fingernails. The silence, like my avoidance tactics, is soon stifled by a gruff but gentle voice. It's Dr. Ross, my shrink.

"You know, Spencer, avoiding it won't make it go away," the man begins. I unintentionally scoff at his comment, _if only he knew_.

"I know that it may help but you're only setting yourself up for a bigger let down later on. It's better to face the problem now and try -"

"Problem?" I quickly reply, cutting him off, almost screaming. "What problem? Please do enlighten me, tell me what my problem is doctor. Because as far as I'm concerned the real problem here is totally beyond my control and apparently you "doctors" couldn't even do anything about it!" I spit out the last part on the verge of tears. "My wife is dead, and no body even tried to stop it! The love of my life, gone because you and your little colleagues were too stupid to figure out how to help her. I can't see how that _little "problem"_ can be resolved now _Mr_. Ross, so please spare me your medical degree bullshit because I am in no mood to hear it, nor will I ever be." I'm screaming now and you know what? That bald shit-head I call my shrink is still sitting there staring at me with an unmoved expression.

"Are you quite done now Ms. Carlin?"

_Boy, you really have a way with words. Don't you, bald_y

"_Mrs_. Carlin" I correct him.

"Very well, _Mrs_. Carlin. As I was saying, and your little outburst was another example, the more you keep your anger and sadness and remorse bottled up, the worse your downfall will be when you finally allow realization to creep in. It will hit you full force and you will have nothing to stop it. But I can help you, that is why I'm here."

"You really want to help me?" I ask him sardonically.

"I know what you're thinking and you know full well that I can't bring her back and that is not what I'm intending." He begins softly reasoning with me "Please, Mrs. Carlin. I am not the enemy here, no matter what you may believe; I am here to help you. Please, help me to help you. Let me help you."

I settle back in my seat with a sigh and begin rubbing my eyes with my right hand. "And exactly what is it that you want me to help with? I don't understand what you're asking of me, doctor."

"I'm asking for your cooperation Miss"

"Fine then, you have it. Have fun." I say with slight sarcasm.

He sighs and rubs his bald head. _Keep rubbing baldy, it's not gona make it grow back any faster._ I give a small laugh, stupid voices in my head, totally Ashley's doing.

"Mrs. Carlin?" He asks, looking at me quizzically. I guess I must have laughed out loud. _Oops._

"Hmm?"

"I need you to tell me something."

"And that is…?" I ask, gesturing for him to continue.

"I need you to tell me about the night Ashley died."

And just like that, I froze. My body went entirely numb and my breath caught in my chest.

"I- I can't. No, s-sorry" I quietly stutter. It's too hard. I can't even think about it without breaking down.

"Please, Mrs. Carlin… Spencer." He pleads quietly. "Please, just trust me. I wouldn't be asking so much of you if I didn't fully believe that it would help you heal."

I sat there unmoving, staring at my hands. Finally, after about 10 minutes of staring mindlessly at my hands in my lap, I met his eyes and took a deep breath.

"She had been fine, no pains for almost two months." I began quietly explaining. "Then that one day…she just…crashed."

**------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[FLASH BACK – Spencer's POV – Ashley's hospital room-**

The incessant beeping is driving me crazy. But, honestly, it is the only sound that I want to hear right now, because frankly, if that beeping stops, my life will stop with it.

I watch the rise and fall of the digital green lines splayed across the black monitor, the fluctuation of the lines mirror the rise and fall of Ashley's chest. Her breathing is becoming slower and slower.

She crashed a couple days ago. She had gone almost 2 weeks without proper nourishment. She had been eating but nothing was really staying down and since she has a fast metabolism, her system crashed. She had gotten to the point where she was relying on vitamins to keep her body going, but that's not enough anymore. They have her hooked up to an IV and about 20 other machines that are beyond my comprehension. I haven't left her side since the day they brought her in here.

I'm the only one in her room right now; I requested to have a private room so as to avoid any unnecessary interruptions. I sent everyone else home a couple hours ago; it's got to be at least 3am by now. I've been sitting in the same chair, in the same spot by her bed, holding her hand.

She's sleeping right now, she's not unconscious or anything, just really tired. Her body is running purely on the medication that's being pumped into her veins. I can't stand seeing her like this, it's killing me. And the saddest part is that I know Ashley is feeling about 50 times worse than I am. She is so fragile now. Her normally tan skin is pale and her body is very frail. She dropped over 30 pounds in two weeks. For someone her size that's not even close to being healthy. This isn't Ashley. The Ashley I know is strong and bright, not small and practically lifeless.

I'm not sure if this is the right thing anymore, trying to keep her alive on these machines. It's just not moral, not ethical…not Ashley, not my Ashley.

As I continue wondering whether or not I'm making the right choice, I find my answer in the deep brown eyes that have fluttered open in front of me.

"Hey," Ash quietly rasps. Her voice is so quiet, but I hear it. I've been tuned in for the past few days, waiting for every stir in her sleep and every quiet word or syllable muttered from her tired mouth.

"Hey," I respond, brining my hand up to her face and brushing away a stray piece of auburn hair, "how are you feeling?"

"Tired," she responds, clearing her throat. She nods towards the glass of water on the bed side table and I quickly bring it up to her mouth. She finishes and I place the cup back on the table.

"Yeah, I see that," I began, "you'd think with those two days of sleep you would have been rested up." I offer a small smile and she does the best she can to return it.

A few minutes pass and we're just sitting here, having a silent conversation. We don't really need to speak, especially at times like this; our eyes do the talking for us. She's silently relaying to me her exhaustion and fear and anxiety about the mystery that is her future, whether it's the next 5 years or the next 5 minutes, she has no idea how long it will be. I'm showing her how tired I am, how I'm already dying inside just from seeing her in this state, I'm showing her that I am absolutely terrified of being alone, of being with out her. I'm showing her how much I love her and how much I need her; I'm showing her all that I've ever wanted to tell her but never had the guts to say, all with this one look.

"How are you- how are you doing?" Ash quietly asks me, struggling to finish the sentence. I just look at her, my eyes once again filling with tears that I thought I had run out of days ago. I couldn't even answer her, but it didn't matter, she knew the answer, she's always known. I can't keep the tears back anymore, the slowly cascade down my cheeks, landing on the clean white sheets of her hospital bed. She leans forward as far as her body allows her to and lifts up my chin, wiping away what's left of the tears.

"It's going to be okay, Spence." She sounds so sure, so absolutely positive that everything will be alright. It just doesn't make sense. She has to know that she's dying, why isn't she uncertain? Why isn't she afraid? Why isn't she…like me?

"How do you know?" I ask her, quietly, my voice cracking in mid sentence.

"I don't know. But I know that you're strong, and you can survive all of this on your own. You are the strongest person I've ever met, Spencer. I know that you can make it, with or without me." I hear her sniffling, holding back her own tears. "You don't need me, Spence."

"That's a lie, and you know it." I cut her off sternly. "That is so far from the truth. I need you. I need you with every fiber of my being. I'm not the same without you, Ashley. You're not just a part of me now, you complete me. I can't function without you."

"Don't talk like that, Spence." I'm getting frustrated now. Does she not understand how much she means to me?

"It's the truth, Ash! It's the truth and it kills me to say it, but it's true, it really is." I'm crying again, we both are, but neither of us is stopping any time soon. "I love you, Ash."

"I love you too, Spencer." She says it so sincerely that it shakes my nerves. She says it like she meant every single word; every syllable, backed up with years of passion and commitment to serve as living proof. "I love you so much that it scares me. I know exactly what you mean, Spencer. Please don't think that I don't understand, because I do, I really do. I understand how much it hurts, I get that you're scared, I'm scared too, and I'm terrified, Spence. I have no idea what's going to happen. I don't know how much longer I'll be around. I have no clue what the future holds for me, for you ...for us." She squeezes my hand, and our eyes meet again. "But what I do know is that I love you. I love you more than anything and anyone in my life. You're my rock, Spence. I care about you so much, and I always will. No matter what happens, I won't leave you, Spencer. I am never going to leave you. I'll always be with you, right here," she says, brushing her thumb over my forehead, "and right here," she says, placing her open palm over my heart. "I will always be with you, babe. I made a promise and I fully intend to keep it. I'm yours, Spencer; today, tomorrow, and forever."

The tears are flowing like the Nile River during flood season now. I can't stop them, there's no use even trying. I believe every word that she just said, I know it's true. I know it because I feel exactly the same way. She means the world to me and I don't want to loose her, but it seems as if I don't have a choice. I slowly nod, affirming her statements and, at the same time, answering all the questions that I can tell are gnawing at her but she would never ask.

"You need your rest." I say quietly. She nods and pats the spot on the bed next to her, beckoning me to join her. I hesitate, not wanting to hurt her, but she gives me that look, the one that melts my heart, and before I knew it, I was at her side, pulling her body into mine.

We laid there for a little while longer. I stroked her hair as she played with the ring on my finger. I can already feel her breathing getting slower and more labored. It's getting close, I can tell. But right now, I'm not afraid, because right now, I'm lying here with the love of my life and for the first time in the past month, I feel at peace. Her thoughts must have mirrored mine, because our eyes meet at the same exact moment, connecting with the same passion that has been burning since the very beginning of our relationship. I feel a small smile make its way across my face and she responds with one of her own. I bend my head down and place a soft, but passionate kiss on her lips. As her eyes open again, I can see that her eye lids are growing heavier. She takes another deep shaky breath and buries her head into the crook of my neck.

"I love you, Spencer," she whispers into my neck, her breath barely tickling my skin.

"I know." I respond, placing a kiss on the top of her head. "I love you too, Ash."

I continue running my hand through her hair as I feel her breaths becoming shorter, until they finally come to a stop. I let a few more tears slip down my face and onto her hospital gown before I look down at the angel in my arms, then up to the ceiling at the white lights and whisper "Goodbye, Ash."

**------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------END FLASHBACK-**

"And that was it, the day my life ended." I finished the story

Dr. Ross nods sympathetically and softly whispers something that will remain in my thoughts forever. "She never really left, you know."

The rest of the appointment was spent talking about Ash and our time together. I had gone through an entire box of tissues by the time Dr. Ross had told me that our session was over. This was definitely the most intense meeting so far. I hated every minute of it, too. I want so badly to be able to just forget about it, put it in my past, shove it into the back of my memory and bury it so deep that not even the most experienced archeologist in the world would be able to recover its remnants. I do have to admit, though; I do feel better. Sure, I'm depressed as hell now; having to think about that day would kill anyone's mood. But I'm feeling lighter, not a lot, but it's noticeable. I'm starting to feel the boulder on my shoulders being chipped away, small pieces falling to the ground with each passing day. I'm still as bitter as hell, but I'm getting better.

I knew I had hit rock bottom after the last time I tried to commit suicide, with the knife. After that last attempt I gave up on trying to end my life. I figured that if my life had hit bottom, it could only go up from there. I've been going to Dr. Ross once a week for about two months and he's helped me to open my eyes and see that I'm not alone. He gained my trust, something that no one has been able to do for the past year; so I told him. I told him everything; from how it felt to be the only one there to watch her go, to the description of the last tear that dropped onto her hospital gown. He helped me to get where I am now, which is acceptance. It's taken me this long just to be able to say the words "_Ashley is dead_," out loud. I'm learning to accept it.

I have accepted it before, but this is a different kind of acceptance. Earlier on, I had accepted that she was dead. It was part of the grieving process. The first step of healing is admitting the problem.

But now I'm ready to get better. I know that this is what she would want. This kind of acceptance is being able to realize that she is dead, but she's not gone. I can't see her but I know she's here, she never left.

I am going to make it. I'm going to get better. I want to get better. I want to do it for Ashley, and I want to do it for myself.


	8. Somewhere Only We Know

Today is the first time since the funeral that I have been to Ashley's grave. It's taken me a long time to get here, but I'm here now; that's got to count for something.

I reach her headstone and sit in the grass. I stare at the rectangular piece of marble for a good five minutes before I start to read its inscription.

**Ashley Marie Davies**

**July 21, 1989 – November 15, 2011**

**In memory of a loving wife, caring sister, loyal friend, and talented musician**

"**Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality." Emily Dickinson**

And then in smaller script I saw something that I must have missed at the funeral.

"**When it comes to having the choice of being right or protecting you,**

**I'll be wrong every single time because it's just who I am."**

That one line hit straight to my heart. She must have told Kyla to put that on there, because I know I didn't. I know that it's directed towards me. I remember exactly when she said that to me. It was after I got an elbow to the eye from some homophobic ass hole at the GSA table. She didn't want me hanging out with the kids in the GSA because she didn't want me to get hurt again. I know she was trying to protect me. She always was. She still is, and she knew she would. That's why that quote is there.

I sigh and let out a breath that I didn't realize I had been holding. She really does still love me. She's still here. She always has been and always will be. She wants me to be safe and she wants me to be happy, but I'm not sure if I can. I've tried to be happy, but I feel as if it's wrong to be happy without her. That it's wrong because she's dead and I'm not and I'm happy. But I know that it's not true. That I would never in a million years be happy because she died. But I can't seem to stop thinking that it's not okay for me to be happy or to go back to how I used to be. I'm afraid that it will seem like I'm trying to forget about it, forget about her, when I know I never will. I'm not in denial any more. I want to get better. I know I'll always miss her, but this isn't what she would want. She wouldn't want to see me like this. It would, and probably does, break her heart to see me hurting myself; especially since it's because of her.

I continue to think to myself for another hour or so before something catches my eye. It happened as if it was in slow motion, and I watched the whole process. I slowly followed the path of decent that the creature was taking until it finally met its destination. There, perched upon Ashley's tombstone, was a bright red cardinal.

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[FLASH BACK – Spencer's POV**

It was a cool summer night; the sun was just starting to set. There was a light breeze, but it was fairly nice out. Ashley had borrowed one of my hoodies; it was faded black and a little torn, worn out from years of wear and tear. It was basically Ashley's now, she wore it almost every time she was at my house, and it always ended up at her house after she left. I told her to keep it, but she kept bringing it back. I can't even remember the last time I had worn it, had to be before I met her.

I laugh to myself at the thought of Ashley's sweatshirt abduction. It's then that I realize that she's looking at me, smiling, with a very confused look.

"What are you thinking about?" She asks with a small laugh.

I mimic her laugh and reply, "I was just thinking about the fact that I haven't been able to wear that sweatshirt since the first day I met you." I laugh again, "Even before we started dating you were wearing it. I remember when I gave it to you at that assembly at school. The school's air conditioner had short circuited and they couldn't turn it off, it was on full blast all day long. You were covered in goose bumps from head to toe."

"Oh yes, and you, being the ever chivalrous mid-western gal that you are, stepped forward and let me borrow this ratty old cloth to wear." She said laughing

"Hey, it wasn't so ratty before you got your little paws on it. You've just about worn a hole in the poor thing. It could fall to pieces any second now."

"And then I would just steal another one of your sweatshirts." She said with a sly smile

"Why mine?" I ask, wondering why she won't just wear her own.

"Uh duh, cuz' it's yours. Hello, have you any idea of any of the guidelines of dating? It doesn't matter who you're with, boy, girl, alien, Kevin Federline-"

"You already said alien." I joke, cutting her off.

She laughs and continues "As I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted." She makes a face at me and I give a not-so-apologetic smile. "It doesn't matter who you're with, it's a rule that you wear one of their sweatshirts, preferably hooded. Unless you're a guy dating a girl, then that'd just be weird. Guys' sweatshirts can go either way, but girls' sweatshirts were meant for girls and girls only."

"Alrighty then." I say laughing.

We reach the entrance of the park and walk over to the table near the swing set. She sits down on the table top first and pats her lap, motioning for me to sit down with her. I comply and sit down as she reaches out and wraps her arms around my waist. She nuzzles her face into the crook of my neck and I begin to rub her leg with the palm of my hand.

"So how are you feeling?" I ask, talking about her stomach.

"Peachy. And you?" She replies avoiding my question.

"You know what I'm talking about." I reply, somewhat annoyed.

"Mhmm…" She's stalling.

"And?" I drag out, beckoning her to finally answer my question.

"I'm fine, Spence." I sigh, I know she's lying.

"Really, I am, babe." She begins. She looks at me and lifts my chin up. She meets my eyes and starts to explain "Everything's gona' be okay. You know that right?"

"And how are you so sure?" I ask indignantly. How is she so sure of everything? Of all people she should know that she's in trouble.

"Well for starters, look at that cardinal over there."

I follow her gaze to see a plump, red cardinal sitting on the fence.

I look at her with a questioning look, wondering what on earth the fat bird has to do with her future. She sees that I don't understand and begins to explain.

"When I was younger, and my mom was in the hospital, my grandma would take care of me. I remember this one day; it was the day that I learned that my mom was dying. She took me to the park and we were sitting on a bench feeding the birds. I had a bag of bread in my hand and I was throwing it at some dumb pigeon that wouldn't leave me alone. Out of nowhere this bright red cardinal flew down and landed on the bench next to me. I guess he scared the pigeon, because the stupid bird finally flew away. I smiled at my grandma and then at the bird. I ended up feeding him the rest of the bread. I said he was my hero, because he saved me from the pigeon. And my grandma just smiled at me. Then she told me a story about my grandfather. She said that he always said that cardinals were good luck. He said that they were a sign that everything was going to be alright. Whatever your problem was, if you saw a cardinal, you wouldn't have to worry. He believed that that bird was a sign of hope, that everything would work its self out, and it would be okay. I was young, but I knew she wasn't talking about the dumb pigeon problem. I knew that she was talking about my mom. And I believed her." She looked up at me with a small smile, and then returned her gaze to the horizon.

"And then my mom died. I was so upset. I wouldn't talk to anyone for days. I stayed in my room crying. I was so scared; I didn't know what life would be like without her." She let out a deep sigh and shook her head.

"But then came the day of her funeral. I was silent through the whole thing. Everyone thought that it was because I was young and didn't really understand what was going on. But I knew. I knew all about it. And I knew that she wasn't coming back. I knew that my life would be totally different from then on. I knew that it was the last time I'd see her, that after that day I'd only have pictures and memories. I was mad. I was sad. But above all, I was lost. I knew I had my grandma, and I still had my dad; but neither of them would ever come close to being like my mom. We were close, and I knew how much she loved me. She made an effort to show me just how much she loved me every day. Even on the day she died, the only thing she was worried about was making sure that I knew that she loved me. And I did. I always knew, and I still do." I watched her bring her knees up to her chest as a defiant tear rolled down her face and she wiped it away with the back of her hand.

"All I could think about when I was watching them lower her casket into the ground was that I had lost her forever. That she was gone for good and my life would never be the same. I thought that I would never feel that kind of love again. But then, out of nowhere, this bird came swooping down and landed on her headstone. It was a cardinal. As soon as I saw it, I smiled. I remembered what my grandma had told me. And I thought to myself, 'maybe she's right. Maybe everything will be okay. Even though my mom is dead, she still loves me. I can't see her, but I know she's here. I can feel it.' From that moment on I knew that I would be alright. I knew I would miss my mom more than anything in the world, but I would live. I knew that I could still be happy, because that's what my mom would want. I knew that everything really could be okay."

Ashley looked at me and gave me a warm smile. I returned the smile and wiped away another tear that had fallen. She pulled my hands into her own and kissed my knuckles, and then she smiled at me and said the one quote that became my Bible, "everything will be okay in the end, Spence. If it's not alright, it's not the end."

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[END FLASHBACK**

This bird is Ashley. She's still watching me and she knows what I'm going through. She knows that I remember that story. This bird is a sign of her love for me. She wants me to be happy. She's trying to show me that everything will be okay, that I can be happy again. She's showing me that even though she's gone, she's still here. That even though I can't see her, she's standing next to me, holding my hand. And she'll never let go. She will always be with me.

As this realization begins to set in, I feel something that I haven't felt in a long time. I feel a warm, fuzzy feeling starting in my stomach. The feeling begins to spread to every appendage of my body. I can feel it like a jolt of energy, seeping through my fingertips. I can feel it creeping up to my head as the feeling of vertigo takes over. I can feel the hurricane of nostalgia sweeping over me, attacking every sense in my body; and it feels amazing. The heat is rising to my face and it's causing the corners of my mouth to defy gravity. I feel the slow tug at the corners of my lips, causing them to go soaring upwards until they come to a stop, having formed a large arch across my face. I know this feeling. I remember this. I love this feeling. I'm happy. I'm happy and I'm smiling. Maybe Ash was right. Maybe everything really will be okay. I can miss her and still be happy, it doesn't mean that I've stopped loving her. This is what she would want for me; this is what I want for me.

I'm going to be alright. Ashley has helped me to see that, and she'll continue to help me. She may not be at my side, but she's in my heart. I can feel her all around me. Like I said before, her presence is tangible, and it still is; and, now, it's stronger than ever.


	9. The Sound of Settling

**FASTFORWARD: 50 years later.**

**3****rd**** person narrator**

"Dearly Beloved, we have gathered here today to say goodbye to our cherished daughter, sister, and friend; Spencer Carlin. In baptism, Spencer died with Christ, may she go now to live an ever lasting life with him in Heaven."

The solemn words are spoken by the priest dressed in black garments standing over the large rectangular hole in the ground. The hole is surrounded by saddened people, all dressed in black. Among the crying populace are some familiar faces. Kyla Woods, Aiden Dennison, Glen Carlin, Clay and Chelsea Carlin with their son, even Madison Duarte showed up to say goodbye to her former team mate.

"Would anyone like to share some words of comfort with us today?" The priest asks, utterly unmoved. Kyla steps forward to the podium with a crumbled tear-streaked piece of paper in her hand.

She clears her throat and begins to speak. "As many of you know, I'm Kyla Woods, Spencer's sister-in-law." Her voice cracks as she glances towards her sister's grave, lying adjacent to Spencer's. "What many of you don't know, however, is how great the love was that was shared between Spencer and my sister Ashley." A small, sad smile graces her face as she glances at the piece of paper in her hand.

"I was one of the few who was privileged enough to witness their love in person. Their relationship was nothing short of dysfunctional; it had its ups and downs. Actually, in the start there were more downs than ups." She offers a small laugh. "They were persecuted for their love. They had people constantly tearing them down, trying to tear them apart. They had people, every day, tell them that they were wrong, that their relationship was wrong. But they didn't listen to them. They stood strong and didn't let their relationship fall; they never let their love falter. Even when they were apart, their love helped them to keep going." Kyla smiled sadly and let out a small laugh as she looked back on times when the two would be sitting in complete silence after a fight. One of them would always give in and they'd end up in each other's arms within a fraction of a second, laughing hysterically…or making out, sometimes both. "They pretty much balanced each other out. As cliché as it sounds, they completed each other. What one lacked in, the other would bring around full force; they were perfect for each other. They weren't just lovers, they were best friends." The woman at the podium looked out at the crowd. Though they were all much older now, she still saw them as the young vibrant people that they were when she first came to California. They had all moved apart now. Some stayed in L.A. while others spread out throughout the country, but they all came together without hesitation when they heard of Spencer's passing. They really were great friends, even with the drama of the past.

Kyla soon returned from her nostalgic day dream. She sighed and looked at the headstones again.

"For those of you who judged them, this is to show you that you were wrong. And for those of you who weren't privileged enough to witness their love, this will show you how great it was." She began to place the paper on the podium, sniffling, as she prepared to read it. "I found this a couple days ago, while I was packing up some things in their apartment. It's a note. It's a note from Ashley to Spencer. Judging by the date, Ash wrote it when she was in the hospital… the day before she died. It's written to Spencer."

The, now elderly, woman at the podium took a deep breath before bestowing the words of love and hope upon the crowd before her. She looked out at the sullen, tear streaked faces and recalled how loved the Ohio born blonde was.

"_Spence, _

_I know that you're gona think I'm a pathetic, love sick little puppy, and yeah maybe I am (and I blame it on you; damn you and your mid-western charm, Carlin!), but I just wanted you to know how much I love you. I know we're all going through a really tough time right now, and I know that it's scary. It's scaring me too, babe. You don't have to try to be strong for me, Spence. I can tell that you're worried. It's okay to be worried. It doesn't mean you're weak, in fact I think it makes you more real. It shows that you're human. You're not some mutant cyborg, bent on creating a utopia for me. You are so strong, Spence. I admire you so much. You took more chances and risked more than anyone I've ever met. You are the bravest person I know. You're powerful, Spencer. You can do anything that you put your mind to, don't let anyone tell you any different. You've got it all, beauty, brains, and brawn. You're your own person, Spence; you could change the world if you wanted to. You are my hero._

_I know that this isn't an ideal situation. Hell, it's not even a likable situation. But we can make it. No matter what happens, I want you to know that I love you. I always have and always will. I'm sorry if I've ever made you doubt it. It's always been you, Spence. And I know it sounds cliché, but I've loved you since the first day I met you (even tough you spilled scalding hot coffee all over me. Okay, sorry, I know I promised not to bring that up anymore.) But yea, I just wanted to let you know that everything is going to be alright. I don't want you to worry about me, baby. I'm never going to leave you, I promise. No matter what happens, I'll always be with you. Even when I'm not by your side, I'll be with you. I'm going to protect you, Spencer, in every way that I know how. You are the love of my life and you make me feel things that no person has ever made me feel. You changed me for the better and made me think better of myself. You're my sunshine, baby, you really did save me. You saved me from myself. I was lost before I met you, but you found me. You didn't listen to the crap that every body said about me, you saw me for me and you still loved me. So I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for everything that you have ever done for me, I appreciate every last piece of it. I want you to know that you'll always have me, I will always be yours. So please don't worry about me, baby. Everything will work out for the better. "Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not, then it's not the end." Let life take its course, because in the end, we'll be back together again. I'll see you again someday, baby. I love and adore you, Spence._

_Forever Yours, _

_Ash_"

The woman at the podium folded up the paper and placed it back in her pocket. She had broken down into tears about half way through the letter. She stepped down and walked back to her place in the crowd.

Twenty minutes later, the service was over and the crowd had dispersed. The sullen brunette was left standing in front of the newly formed grave of her friend and the older grave of her sister's. She pulled the note out of her pocket and placed it on the newer headstone in front of her. "I think she would have wanted you to keep this, Spence." She placed a rock on the note so it wouldn't get carried away by the wind.

She bent down and read the inscription on the stone one last time.

**_Spencer Gabrielle Carlin_**

**February 12, 1990 – August 18, 2061**

**In loving memory of a dedicated wife, daughter, sister, and friend.**

"**Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality. Emily Dickinson"**

Kyla smiled at the quote, Spencer had asked to have the same quote as Ashley. She said that she believed in it whole-heartedly. Kyla still thinks that she was right.

Her eyes were then drawn to the smaller script below the quote.

"**Today, Tomorrow, Forever."**

The woman simply smiled and was just about to walk away when she saw something that made her stop in her tracks. Out of nowhere, two small red cardinals had flown down and perched themselves on the adjacent headstones. Kyla took a step back, and took in the sight before her. The birds were now on the ground, sitting next to each other. The woman simply smiled and gave a slight nod.

"I'll see you around, ladies." And with that the two birds flew away. She watched them fly off into the sunset. "Everything works its self out in the end." She said quietly to herself. Then she turned and left the cemetery in complete peace.

_**The End **_


End file.

South of Nowhere, Hurt-Comfort, Romance