Castle Dark Thoughts

**A/N – This is angsty guys, don't know where it came from. Rated M for suicidal thoughts. I like happy endings, though. One shot, however, for a reason as I don't think I could spread this out any further and still have eyes left. ***_**crying**__*****_

**If you or someone you know has or has had suicidal thoughts, don't go through the experience alone. Talk to someone you trust or call 1-800-273-TALK. The folks at the ****National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can help you get through what might be the hardest thing a human ever has to suffer though. Don't do it alone.**

**Set after "One Life to Live" 3x18.**

•

"Hey, Castle," Beckett says as Castle heads towards the elevator, "Thank you for the photo!"

"I'll see you," Castle said, looking back.

Beckett picks up her phone and says "Hey," as Castle watches her start a conversation with her boyfriend, Josh.

As the elevator doors close, he thinks, _This is never really going to happen. She's not ever going to be mine._

Instead of heading home when he leaves the precinct, he catches a cab to the city morgue. When he gets there, he pushes through the doors and sees Lanie working on a report at her desk. He peeks in and says "Hey, Lanie, you have a few minutes?"

Lanie looks up in surprise. "Beckett with you?"

"No, I just need to talk. I need some advice."

"I never see you down here without your muse, so this must be pretty serious."

"Are you alone down here, I don't want to be interrupted."

"Yeah, now spill, Writer Boy, you're worrying me," Lanie commands, putting her pen down and pointing towards a chair next to her desk.

Castle sits down and looks at the floor, collecting his thoughts. "Do you think I'm a fool for sticking around, Lanie?"

"What do you mean, Castle? Did something happen between you and Kate?"

"No, not really. But surly you know why I've stuck around for this long. Everyone else has seen it, I'm sure you have too."

"You love her," Lanie said, simply.

"Yeah. More than life. And it isn't going to happen, Lanie. No matter how many times we almost die in each other's arms, or how much I show that I've changed, or haw many ways I show her how much I care. She's in love with Josh; I've heard her say it."

"Oh, sweetie, I know. I know, however, that she does have feelings for you. I see the way she looks at you when she thinks nobody's looking. Those feelings are there."

"But buried how deep? Even after three years she still thinks of me as a playboy, a risk, untrustworthy. That's not ever going to change," Castle states, with tears welling up in his eyes. He looks up and meets Lanie's expression, "So tell me, Dr. Parish, am I a fool for sticking around? I promised her _Always_, I can't just leave her, can I?"

"I don't know, Rick. Maybe. She's one of the most stubborn people on God's green Earth, so it might be that she never sees what's right in front of her. So maybe you should distance yourself."

"But I said _always_, Lanie. She's had so many people abandon her already, how can I be another one of those people? Royce? Her mom? I can't add to her pain. I don't think I can do that to her, no matter how much it pains me to stay. I…" he trails off and looks away, "I just want her to be happy. If sticking around as her plucky sidekick keeps her from being hurt, then I think I have to. But God, I feel as if it is the wrong decision for me. How can you know what you have to do, but not like doing it? How can I feel this foolish?"

"I'm sorry, Castle. How are you going to stomach being around her with these feelings? Are you even going to be able to?"

"I don't know. But, I think that…" he trails off again, "I think that I have to try. I will keep my distance. I'll stop any personal interactions, and just be as professional as possible. She'll notice, as we've become good friends. Best friends, even. But if I have to stick around, I have to do something to protect my heart. I think in a couple weeks I'll take some time off to write or something, and then maybe it'll be a little better."

"Love isn't something that goes away, Castle. Not this kind of love," Lanie warns. "A couple weeks away isn't going to change anything. But maybe, maybe you're right. Maybe it will give you some perspective and will allow you to make a decision."

"Maybe," Castle says as he wipes his eyes and stands up. "Thanks Lanie. I normally wouldn't come and burden Beckett's best friend with this, but I needed someone to talk to. Mother would just say to tell Beckett how I feel, and Alexis shouldn't be caught up with this. Thanks for letting me talk it out," he says as he leans down and hugs her. "You're a good friend."

"You're welcome, Castle. I'll always listen, I'm good at it."

Rick smiles as he heads towards the door, "I know," he stops, looks back and says, "you won't tell Beckett about this will you? I didn't even think, maybe there's a best friend code or something."

"I won't say anything, I promise."

"Okay, thanks again Lanie. I've got to get home and talk to Alexis before she heads out."

"Okay bye," Lanie says as she turns back to her reports.

•

_2 Weeks Later…_

The last two weeks for Detective Kate Beckett had not been good ones. They had caught case after case, and had spent more time working than normal, and to top it all off Castle was acting…weird. He had stopped flirting, and spouting statements laced with innuendo; he had stopped invading her personal space. He had become completely professional, which just wasn't like him. He still helped on the cases, and had her back when they were in dangerous situations, but he just didn't seem like himself. The thing that had worried her most, however, was that he hadn't brought her coffee during that entire stretch. He always brought her coffee.

When she arrived at the precinct that Monday morning for what she hoped would be a paperwork day, she noticed that he was already sitting in his chair waiting for her. _No coffee again,_ she thought, _dammit._

"Hey Castle," she said, stepping up to her desk and taking off her coat. "You're here early. It's a paperwork day as of now, so you don't have to be here if you don't want to."

"Hey, Beckett. I'm not staying," he said as he stood up and picked up his own coat. Beckett looked at him with a hint of disappointment. She had hoped that he would stick around and maybe entertain her a bit; he always made paperwork a little more fun. "I just wanted to tell you something, and then I have to get home."

"Oh, what did you want to tell me about?" She said, a little warily.

"I know this is out of the blue, but Alexis decided to start looking at colleges and she wants to visit some campuses. Mother was going to take her, but something came up at her acting school, so I told Alexis I'd take her. I'll be gone for the next two weeks."

_Oh. "_Okay. Where all are you going?"

"California first, she wants to see Stanford and USC, then we'll come back east and visit the major ones, Harvard, Yale, Princeton. Then I've reluctantly agreed to spend some time in London so she can visit Oxford." Normally, Kate thought, he'd say something about not wanting Alexis to go that far away. _But he hasn't been saying personal things like that for the last two weeks,_ she reminded herself.

He looked a little down, but he had had that look for the last two weeks. "Castle is everything okay? You haven't been yourself for the last two weeks. You've been treating me different. Did I do something? You're not leaving because of me are you?"

Castle didn't answer right away, just looked towards the floor, trying to gather his thoughts. He knew that eventually she would call him out, he hadn't expected it to take her two weeks, but it shouldn't have surprised him so much. _She doesn't feel the same way, remember, she has to stay aloof to protect herself from you, or at least that what she thinks. _"No, of course not," he finally says. "I…" he trails off, trying to figure out how to explain his distance over the last couple weeks, "I've just been in a weird mood for the last couple weeks, Beckett, nothing to do with you. I'm sorry if I've treated you badly."

"You didn't treat me badly, Castle, just different. But if you're sure I didn't do anything, I'll wish you a good trip. When do you leave?"

"We have a flight in at noon. So I really should be going. I'll see you in a couple weeks," he says, as he walks away.

"See you, have a good time."

•

_Later That Night…_

"Lanie, is Castle pulling away?" Kate asks as she sits across from her best friend at the Old Haunt.

Lanie looks away from her, and doesn't answer. She's never been good at keeping secrets. _I can't tell her what Castle talked about. Keep your trap shut, girl. _"Why do you think that?" she asks in a small voice, still not making eye contact.

"Oh, My God, you know something don't you? You can't look me in the eye, Lanie. I know when you're lying."

"He's not going to walk away from you, Kate," Lanie says, finally meeting Beckett's gaze. "But he is distancing himself."

"Why? What did I do?"

Lanie huffed. "Girl, how can you be so damned blind? That man is in love with you, has been for years now. He's so dedicated to you; he'll die with you in a freezer or in front of a bomb. He'll go into a building full of assassins, and save your life, without a gun or a vest. Do you think he does that just because he wants to do research?"

"Oh, come on, Lanie, not this again. We went through this last summer. He does those things because he's my partner."

Lanie scoffed, "yeah. He's not a cop, Kate. He's only your partner because he loves you. I can't believe you don't see that. It is so blindingly obvious."

"So, let's say you're right. Why is he pulling away now? Distancing himself, like you say."

"You're with Josh, and it's killing him," Lanie says simply. "He thinks you feel nothing for him, and he wants you to be happy. So he's trying to both give you space to be with the man you… love, and trying to protect his heart at the same time. Protect it from you."

"Then why doesn't he just walk away? He did it before."

"He promised you always. Or at least that is what he told me," _Dammit, Lanie. Pull your head out of your ass._

"Wait. You talked to him about this? When?"

"Two weeks ago, but I promised I wouldn't say anything." _Might as well tell her the truth, the cat's already out of the bag._ "He came to ask me if he thought he was a fool for sticking around."

Kate looked down at her wine glass, which was now mostly empty. "So he was going to walk away," she said in a small voice.

"I don't think he thinks it's an option. He thinks you've been hurt too many times and doesn't want to abandon you. So he said he'd distance himself but stick around."

"What else did he say," Kate asked, with tears in her eyes.

"That he just wants you to be happy, and that if that means you being with Josh, then he'll live with it. Though I'm not so sure he'll be able to stick around. I think that eventually he will have to break that promise of _always_. It'll just be too painful."

"What should I do, Lanie. I don't want to lose my partner. I _need_ him by my side."

"Let me ask you a question, and I want an honest to God answer, no bull shit. Do you love Castle?"

"What! No, of course not. I might have had some feelings for him before last summer, but after he walked away, they went away. So no, absolutely not. I don't love Castle," Beckett said, shaking her head.

Lanie looked at her disbelievingly. "Well, if that's really the case, then I don't think there is anything you can do. You'll have to try and keep your distance personally as well. It'll be best for him. Work with him professionally; it'll be the best solution. Hopefully he can protect himself enough that he will be able to stay. And don't parade Josh in front of him. That'll make this situation so much worse."

"I don't do that. But Josh is going to be around. He's here to stay, Lanie."

"Is he?"

"Yeah, he proposed."

"What!" Lanie said, almost jumping out of her seat. "When?"

"Earlier today," Kate smiled, remembering Josh getting down on one knee during their lunch earlier in the day. Kate pulled her left hand out from underneath the table and flashed her diamond.

"Wait! You said yes? Oh, honey! I'm so happy for you!" Lanie said, though secretly she wanted to kick the detective's ass.

"I'm so happy Lanie. He said he's going to stay in the country permanently now, work with charities here in the country so he can spend time with me. I think that bomb scare and freezer thing really made him think about things."

"I'm happy for you, girl, I really am. But this changes things. You have to let Castle go. He can't shadow you any more."

Kate paled. "Why? Castle already knows that Josh was going to propose. He helped Josh pick out the ring."

"He did what?"

"Yeah, Josh asked him because Castle knows me so well, he thought that Castle would know what I'd like."

"That man. He really does love you and want you to be happy. But you have to let him go. He won't survive this, Kate. You have to let him go."

"I can't, Lanie. It may be selfish, but I need him there with me. I'd be dead so many times if it weren't for him. He makes me a better cop, and he makes my job easier. I can't just let that go."

"This is going to end badly," Lanie says. "I'll say 'I told you so' when it does."

•

_2 Weeks Later…_

When Castle got off the elevator at the 12th precinct late in the afternoon after he returned, he was finally in a better mood. The two weeks away had been very refreshing and had allowed him to gain some perspective on his situation with Beckett. He also had some hope, because of the proposal that maybe things hadn't gone as well as Josh had hoped.

As he walked into the bullpen, he noticed that she sat typing at her workstation. For the first time since he started distancing himself, he had brought her coffee. He had realized on his trip that coffee couldn't be considered anything more than a simple friendly gesture, so it couldn't hurt anything.

As he approached her desk he got a glimpse of something on Kate's left hand. Something caught the light. Castle's breathing stopped for a minute. _She had said yes. _He hadn't even considered that it would be a possibility. After all, it had only been a few weeks since she and Josh had been having problems. She had said so in that decontamination tent during the bomb scare. _How could she say yes?_

He stopped walking for a minute, at a loss as to what to do. Tears started to well up in his eyes, and he fought to keep his emotions under wraps. _You can't do this here, Castle, not in front of these cops. _He stepped back into the hallway by the elevator, to catch his breath.

After a few minutes, he was able to control himself enough to step back out and head towards Beckett's desk. He walked up and placed the coffee cup next to her left elbow, and sat down in his chair.

"Hey," he said, his voice a little higher than normal.

"Crap, Castle, you scared me. You're back!" She smiled and took the coffee. _Coffee today, maybe things aren't as bad as they were, _she thought. "How was your trip?"

"Good, I think Alexis is leaning towards Stanford."

"It's a good school, you should be proud."

"I am. I am. So, any case? I didn't come in this morning because I had some things to wrap up," he said.

"Nope, just paperwork. It's been a slow couple weeks. We could have used you here for entertainment."

_Yeah, because that's all I am to her; the class clown, the court jester. Nothing more, _he thought as he frowned. "Well, sorry I missed such exciting times," he said, a bit sarcastically. "Listen, I've got to run an errand, you think you can go without my entertaining duties for the rest of the day?"

"Oh, I'm sure we'll survive without you Castle, we did before you came along, after all," she said with a smirk.

He looked away, unable to smile. _Damn. Guess I was right about not being needed._ He stood, frowned and said, "Well, I'm going to go. Call me when you have a body next."

She saw that he hadn't laughed her joke, or even smirked. _Way to go, Kate. Make him feel useless. _"Okay, I will. Glad you're back, Castle. We really did miss you around here."

_Sure. _"See you," he said as he walked away.

As the elevator doors closed, he started to cry. He couldn't hold it back any more. He hit the stop button to freeze the car, and took deep breaths, trying to get control of himself.

_It's really over. She's really gone. I need to talk to someone. I don't think I can live like this. Not in a world where she isn't a part of my life._

He picked up his phone and dialed Lanie's number, his hand shaking. "Hey, Lanie" he said, a sob catching in is chest.

"Castle, what's the matter?!"

"I need to talk to you, are you in the morgue?"

"Yeah, come on over, I can find us a private place."

"Thanks," he said, tears still streaming down his face.

As he arrived at the city morgue, he realized that he didn't remember the drive there. Everything had been a blur after he had started the elevator up again and walked through the lobby. He pushed through the doors to Lanie's lab and saw her sitting at her desk waiting for him.

"Oh, Castle, what happened?"

"She said yes. Didn't she?" He said as he collapsed in the chair.

"Oh, sweetie. Yeah, she did. The night you left on your trip," Lanie said, tears in her own eyes now. How could this big strong man be so broken?

"I need help, Lanie."

"What do you need? I'll help you any way I can."

"I had some pretty dark thoughts coming over here. I think I need to see someone or talk to someone who knows how to prevent… how to prevent me from doing something stupid."

"Castle, Rick, you're scaring me. What do you mean something stupid? You're not thinking of…" she couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence. _He can't be thinking of killing himself._ _Not happy Castle, the man has so much to live for._

"It has crossed my mind a couple times in the last half hour. That's why…" he took a deep breath to try and calm himself, trying to get his mind out of the hole he had found himself in. "That's why I need to talk to someone. I…" he trailed off, "I don't think I could do it, but… I couldn't do that to Alexis, right? I mean she needs me?" He said, as more of a question than a statement of fact.

"You're damn right, she needs you, Castle. And let me tell you this," she said as she scooted her chair closer to him, "there are more people in this world that need you than you realize. It isn't just Alexis. It's your mom. It's your friends at the 12th and me. You're my friend too, Castle, you aren't alone in this world, and leaving it would leave a lot of people behind that need you in their lives. You hear what I'm saying?"

He nodded and took another deep breath. "Thanks, Lanie. So much." He looked down at the floor and didn't say anything for almost a minute. The tears had started to slow on his face, but were still dropping from his eyes. "Do you know of any good shrinks who would be willing to take on an emergency call? I think that some professional help and some antidepressants would be a good idea."

"I know a guy," she said, using one of Castle's favorite sayings. "I'll call and get you an appointment. You shouldn't be alone tonight, though Castle. Are Alexis and Martha home?"

"Alexis is staying at Paige's house tonight and Mother is out with a gentleman caller of some sort, I expect. I'll be fine, I think."

"Not exactly a statement of confidence there, Castle. Sit tight and you can come and sleep on my couch. Javi isn't coming over tonight, so you won't be disturbed, and I can keep an eye on you. " She picked up her phone to make the call to her friend who also happened to be a psychiatrist.

After she had made an appointment for Castle for the following morning, she grabbed her purse and said to Castle, "Come on, Writer Man, we'll get some food on the way, and talk. Your appointment is at 7AM tomorrow morning. I'll drive you and make sure you get out okay. Sound good?"

"Thank you, Lanie, you're a really good friend. Thanks for being there for me. I really don't know what I'd be doing right now if it weren't for you."

"Well, I'm glad you decided to talk to someone instead of going through with something stupid. Now let's go." Together they walked towards the elevator.

•

_Later that night at Beckett's Apartment …_

"You said you were done with the traveling, Josh! Did you lie to me or did you just think that I wouldn't care?" Kate shouted at Josh who had just told her that he was going to spend the next six months in Africa. "How could you do this to me? When you proposed, you promised you were done with this; that you were choosing me. That's why I said yes."

"Katie, they need me. I couldn't say no. That's what I do, I save people, it's important. Just as important as the work you do. More so, in fact."

"More so? This isn't a fucking competition, Josh. You lied to me, lied to my face, and made me a promise that you'd be here. We're supposed to get married, and you're just going to go away for six months before the wedding? What about the planning and all that? Are we even going to plan? Or are we going to wait until you come back? Are you even coming back? What happens in a year, when we're married, when you have to go away again? What happens then? Am I just supposed to play the little wife, stay at home and make sure you have a warm meal when you get back from doing your duty? God, I can't believe this." She felt so betrayed. She had only been engaged for two weeks, and he had already decided that she wasn't enough. _I should have seen this coming; he has done it every time. I thought he loved me. _

"Kate, I have to do this. I have a couple days off here before I have to leave, let's go get married now. We can fly to Vegas and get it done there. It'll be fun."

_God, he's so clueless. How did I not know that before now?_ She laughed. "You can't fucking be serious. When I get married I want a perfect day, with my friends and my dad. You think I'm just going to run off with you, swoon, and elope in some seedy Vegas wedding chapel? You're out of your mind."

"Then we'll get married when I come back. I'll try to make sure I can stick around for a while, maybe even take a couple weeks off from work completely."

"No. You wanna know what Josh? This was a HUGE mistake. I can't believe I was fooled. Lanie was right." She took off her ring and put in in his hand. "You should go. I'll send your stuff around in a few days. We're done."

"Kate, please. Don't say that. We're not done. You love me. I love you. We're going to be married. You can't just walk away from us. From this."

"You are the one walking away, Josh. You made me a promise. Just one promise, and you broke it before we even said 'I do'. I should have seen this before now, but I don't trust you. You didn't even know me well enough to pick out a ring on your own. I haven't even come close to letting you in; you don't know me or anything about my past. How could I have been so blind?"

"I know you Kate. Don't do this please," he pleaded, getting desperate.

"No. I have to. This was a mistake, maybe the biggest one I've ever made come to think of it. You need to go. Just go, and don't call. I don't want to stay friends, just please, go and leave me be. I'll send your stuff later on. Goodbye, Josh," she said as she opened the door and ushered him out.

As she closed the door behind him, and locked it, she realized what a fool she had been. _I told Castle a month ago that I needed someone to dive into life with me, someone who could be there for me and I could be there for him. When Josh stayed I thought that that could be him. When he proposed, I knew it. I am such a fool. Only one man has been there for me through thick and thin, and I drove him away. I need to call him and make this right._

•

_The same night, across town at Lanie's place…_

"Can I ask you a question, Castle?" Lanie asked, as she and Castle sat on the couch in her apartment. They had spent the last several hours talking about Kate, the future, and his feelings. It hadn't been an easy conversation and both parties had shed a lot of tears. They had spent the last 20 minutes just sitting in silence.

"Sure," he said. He had finally calmed himself down after talking things through. The dark thoughts that had plagued him for most of the afternoon and evening had subsided and he had started to think rationally again.

"Why didn't you stay gone after you left for the Hamptons last summer? Why did you come back?"

Castle thought about his answer for a few seconds before saying, "I couldn't stay away. I tried so hard to forget about her, to move past her. I even hooked up with Gina in hopes that it would help me forget, but it was terrible right from the start. Gina and I are great friends and we work well together. She keeps me motivated and that's exactly what I need. From a publisher. From a wife or a girlfriend, we're terrible together, and we're not what either one of us needs. So getting together that summer was the worst thing for both of us.

When I came back, I found out that Kate was with Josh. I know you guys didn't know, but I saw her take a phone call the day she found me in that apartment. I didn't know who he was at the time, but I could tell that she was dating someone, just from the way she talked to him. You know me and eavesdropping," he smiled. "Even then though, I knew I wanted to come back. I figured even if I couldn't have her romantically, at least we could be friends. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah. You hurt her really bad that summer, though. She was going to tell you that she'd come with you, and then Gina showed up, and that was that. I'd never seen her so heartbroken. It took her a couple months to dig herself out of the hole she had been in, and I guess that was when she moved on and met Dr. Motorcycle Boy."

"I found out that she had broken up with Demming and had planned on coming with me a couple months back. Espo let it slip when we were talking about something. I wish I had known, maybe I wouldn't be in this mess. Listen, I've got to use the restroom, I'll be right back." He stood up and headed towards a door off to the side of the room.

When he closed the door, Lanie lent back into the couch and took a deep breath. The last couple hours hadn't been easy for her. Kate Beckett was her best friend in the whole world, but at that moment, Lanie was simply pissed. She didn't know how one person could be so blind and callous towards another's feelings. She leaned back and closed her eyes, but was interrupted by a phone ringing nearby. It wasn't hers, it was Castle's. He had left it on the table next to the couch. Lanie picked the phone up and saw immediately who was calling. She was very tempted to hit the ignore button, but decided she should answer in case something was wrong.

"Girl, I'mma smack you the next time I see you," she said by way of greeting.

"Lanie, what the hell are you doing answering Castle's phone?" Kate asked in shock.

"He's going to sleep on my couch tonight, why you have a problem with that?"

"Why, though? What's going on?"

Lanie stood up and decided that she best take this conversation into her bedroom. Once she had closed and locked the door, she said, "He came to me a few hours ago after he saw the ring on your finger."

"Oh. He seemed a little out of it; I didn't even realize he saw it. I wasn't very nice to him, I got into our usual banter without really thinking about it and I guess I made him feel unwanted. He bolted pretty fast. Why did he come see you though, I don't understand."

"I can't tell you that, Kate. I really can't. Let's just say that he had some dark thoughts and he needed help. I was the only one he could come to."

"Dark thoughts? Like what, like he thought of killing Josh?" Kate laughed at the thought.

"Not Josh," Lanie said quietly.

"Oh, no. Tell me he didn't say he was… no Lanie, you have to tell me I didn't push him that far."

"It was pretty bad Kate. It scared the living daylight out of me. That's why he's here. I couldn't leave him alone tonight, not if he was thinking things like that. I got him an appointment with a professional tomorrow to get him through this. But Kate, you have to let him go. You have to; it can't go on like this, not if you're going to get married and move on with you life. You have to let him move on too."

"I can't, Lanie. I love him."

Lanie was silent for so long after that statement that Kate started to think they had lost the connection. "You what? Kate, are you fucking serious right now? You put him through all of this because you said you didn't have feelings for him, and now that he's at the lowest point he's ever been at in his entire life, now you have feelings for him. Now you love him?"

"Josh and I broke up. Just a few minutes ago actually. I'm pretty shaken up, but I realized that Castle has always been there for me. He is what I want, and I've been so blind, so blind, and I don't know what to do. I need him, Lanie. Is there any hope of fixing this?"

Again Lanie was silent. "Why did you and Dr. Hot Pants break up? Did you remember your feelings for Castle before or after you sent him packing?"

"Josh lied to me. Remember I told you that he had promised to quit Doctor's Without Borders to stay here in the city with me? He lied. He took an assignment for six months in Africa. He didn't ask me if it was okay, he just took it. Then he had the balls to ask me if we could run to Vegas to get married. Needless to say, I through his ass out and gave him back his ring. When I closed the door I realized that I had been hiding in that relationship for months. Hiding from Castle, and my feelings, and I knew that I had to do something. I just hadn't realized that I had broken him so badly. I mean I can't even imagine. Castle is one of the strongest people I know. How could I have let this happen?"

"Trust me, girl, you and I aren't done with that particular conversation. He and I have been talking for a couple hours and it hasn't been easy. I've been angry with you before, but never like this. To answer your question from before, though, I'm not sure if there is anything you can do to fix it. My best advice is to see if he'll talk with you tomorrow. Tell him how you feel, tell him why you kept pushing him away, and then tell him what you want not only now but also in the future. If you're going to work it out, it has to be honest and open, two things that you, girlfriend, suck at royally."

"I know, Lanie, I know. That all makes sense. I will talk to him tomorrow then. Should I talk to him now? Maybe just reassure him that I still want him around, maybe apologize?"

"No I think that it's best if you leave him to me for tonight. He's better than he was a couple hours ago, but he should talk to the psychiatrist tomorrow before he talks to you. Then maybe his head will be clearer, and if it goes badly between you two tomorrow, he'll be less likely to lose it again."

Kate sighed, not knowing how she had made such a mess of things. "Okay, Lanie. I'll just talk to him tomorrow. Take care of him, please. I can't lose him."

"Kate? Do not, under any circumstances, tell him you and I talked, okay? He can't discover that you know about what he was thinking about doing. If he knows that he'll never come talk to me again, and it's a good thing that he can do that, because if he couldn't tonight could have ended up so much worse. So don't tell him okay?"

"Okay, Lanie. Hopefully he'll open up about it, and we can talk about it. I don't like the idea that he had those thoughts, and I still can't get my head around it."

"Neither can I, honey, neither can I. Get some sleep and do your best to fix this tomorrow. Then call me, okay?"

"Okay, night Lanie." Lanie hit the end call button and headed out towards the living room. Castle had leaned back and put his feet up on the coffee table.

"Uh, uh, Castle, get your feet off the table. What are you six?"

"Sorry," he said, but for the first time that night he had some of his happiness back in his eyes.

"Here's your phone, it rang while you were in the bathroom. I was going to try and sneak it back on the table, but you should know about the call. Kate called while you were there, and I couldn't help answering it. You know me, nosey as I can be."

He looked at her for a minute and said, "What did you tell her?"

"Not everything, but some things. She has a right to know, and I couldn't keep it from her. Your thoughts tonight, however, are yours. You should tell her about them, though. She is going to come talk to you tomorrow. I know she is probably the last person you want to see, but give her a chance to tell you what she told me, it'll be worth your while."

"What did she say?"

"That's for her to discuss with you, but I think if the two of you can actually get your heads out of your ass for about 20 minutes, you might actually talk about the way you feel, and where you want to go from here. You've ignored it long enough, and it caused you to have a breakdown. It's time to put it to rest one way or another. I will tell you one thing, however, about what she said. She broke up with Josh."

Castle just looked at her, an expression of pure shock on his face. "She, what?!"

"She broke up with Josh. It wasn't for you or anything like that you weren't the cause. He lied to her about staying in the country, and decided it was time to take a six-month trip to Africa. You know right before he got married. I'll let her tell you the story; it sounds like a good one."

"I don't even know what to say right now. I'm completely stunned."

"Richard Castle, speechless, who would have known this day would ever come," she teased.

"Yeah, yeah. So you won't tell me what this means?"

"You guys need to talk. I'm going to leave at that. Now, we have to be up early for your appointment, so let me get you some blankets for this couch, and we can get some rest."

He simply nodded his head, still lost in his thoughts. _What should I do with this new information? What does it mean? It seems like it just presents more questions than answers at the moment. Lanie seems to think there are things we need to talk about, but are there really? After tonight I don't know if I can handle another minute in her presence. I love her, but I feel so broken, how am I to deal with that?_ He thought about these questions over and over as he lay there trying to sleep that night. One thing he knew for sure was that it was going to be a long time until morning came.

•

_Early the next morning…_

When Castle exited the doctor's office, he felt a ton better. For the first time in his life he had broken down completely. Now that he had talked it out not only with Lanie but also with Dr. Fisher, he started to feel a little guilty about his thoughts the previous evening. While he had considered the impact of those thoughts on Alexis and his mother, he had still had the thoughts in the first place.

Dr. Fisher told him that those feelings of guilt were completely normal, but that he shouldn't let it get to him. _"It isn't your fault, Rick," _he had said, "_Thoughts of suicide aren't something you can control. They just happen. They aren't a sign of weakness or a sign that something is wrong with you mentally. They are just thoughts. It is how we act on those thoughts that determine the severity of the crisis, and you acted wonderfully in that regard. You sought out a friend who was willing to help you through the crisis, and then you came here so you can start to fix it."_

The session had been truly enlightening, but it hadn't been easy. Castle had never been an open person, so talking about his feelings and his thoughts hadn't been an easy thing to do. But after meeting the doctor and talking for a little while it got easier. Now, after the session was over, he realized that he felt more in control of his life than he had ever been before.

Castle walked down to the lobby, where Lanie was still waiting for him. "Hey, Lanie, you didn't have to wait."

"I know, but I wanted to see how it went. By the look on your face, I guess it went pretty well. You look better than I've seen you in a couple weeks."

"He made me realize that it wasn't just yesterday that caused me to lose it, it has been the last three years. Between the stress of the relationship or non-relationship with Beckett, and the many near-death experiences, he made me see that this has been building up for a long time, and that I've been using coping mechanisms to shield myself. He said I have to deal with problems and not ignore them."

"He's a smart guy. Has a diploma and everything," she said with a smirk when they got into her car. "Do you want me to take you home or do you have somewhere else you need to be? I have to get to work."

"Just take me to the morgue, I don't want you to be any later than you already are. I'll catch a cab."

"Where are you going after this?"

"Beckett's," he said calmly. "She has today off and we need to have a good talk."

"Good for you, Richard Castle, good for you. Don't let her off the hook too easily, though. Make her squirm and beg for mercy. She deserves it, trust me."

"That's your best friend, your talking about," he said with a laugh. His first real laugh in a couple days.

"Yeah, well she pissed me off, and I told her so last night," she said as she pulled into her parking space at OCME. "Now, call me later and tell me how it went, okay?"

"I will, Lanie. Thank you so much for everything. I'll never, not ever, be able to repay your kindness."

"You owe me nothing, Castle, now go on. I've got bodies to autopsy."

The parted ways with a hug. Castle headed up to the street to catch a cab, feeling more and more confident about what he was about to do.

•

_35 minutes later, in front of Beckett's door…_

That confidence that was building outside of the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner had completely disserted Castle by the time he found himself at Beckett's door a half hour later. _Come on, Ricky boy, man up and knock already. Standing out here just makes you more of a fool._ So he knocked.

About a minute later, the door opened and Beckett stood there, dressed in an oversized NYPD hoody and black yoga pants. "Castle! Hey, come in," she said in complete surprised. She and figured on seeking him out later that afternoon.

"Hey, Beckett," Castle said quietly as he followed her into her apartment.

"Rick…" she started as they sat down on the couch, "I wanted...no, I need to apologize for something." She took a deep breath.

"Kate, I should probably talk my bit first, it'll be easier, I think," he said, trying to let her off the hook again. _I have to stop doing that,_ he thought.

"No. I have to have my say first or I won't have the courage to do it, so just listen?"

"Okay," he said, not really knowing what was coming next.

"There are so many things I need to apologize for, it's kind of hard to know where to start. But I guess first, I need to apologize for yesterday. I didn't mean to insinuate that you weren't a valued part of the team, or that we hadn't missed or needed you around. The last two weeks were much harder without you there, and I hope you know how much easier you make my job, and my life. I missed you, and I don't tell you enough how much it means to me that you're my partner."

She took a deep breath, trying to gather her thoughts. "Next, I really should apologize for the last three years. I've treated you terribly a lot, and not just professionally, but personally too. I was so hurt when you left for the Hamptons last summer that I knew I had to shutter my heart. I couldn't let you in, not in that way, no matter how much I wanted to.

We don't talk, you and I. We just kind of use subtext and innuendo talk for us, and it doesn't work. It led to my heartbreak over the summer, and yours too I imagine, and it led to the situation we find ourselves in now. I am so sorry, for not talking to you. You should have known how I felt about you a year and half ago after you saved me from Scott Dunn. But I was so scared. So scared, not only that you'd leave me or get bored of me, but that if it didn't work out that I'd lose you as a friend and partner. That still scares me."

She continued, tears streaming down her face now, "What I'm trying to say, Rick, is that I love you. I am _in_ love with you and have been for ages. I pushed you away to hide from those feelings, and I hurt you in ways that I can't even imagine right now. I talked to Lanie last night, and she told me not to tell we talked, but I know that you saw the ring yesterday. I know that must have felt like a punch in the gut, and I'm so sorry." She started sobbing, unable to continue.

Richard Castle had seen Kate Beckett cry a few times in the past three years, but never like this. He sat there completely stunned by what she had just said. _She loved him? How could that even be true? And if it was true, what should they do now?_ He had come there to tell her that they were through, that he couldn't know her anymore, and here she was confessing her love for him. _What the fuck?_

"Kate…" he said, and then cleared his throat and continued, "I… I don't know what to say to all that." He took a deep breath, trying to gather his thoughts. "The last few weeks have been torture for me, but in reality, the last three years have led up to this moment. When I saw that ring on your finger, even though I knew he was going to propose, I completely lost it. After I left you, I stood in the elevator for 10 minutes just crying my eyes out, and I knew that I couldn't live like that any more. I admit that I had some really dark thoughts, and that I needed to talk about what was going on. That's why I was at Lanie's last night when you called, she wanted to make sure I didn't do something.

I don't know if I would have, but I know that I was completely broken. I've never felt so lost in my entire life, not after either of my divorces or any of the near-death experiences we've been through. It was like I wasn't in control any more and someone else was living my life. It felt like I didn't know who I was any more and it scared me to death."

After a small pause he continued, "I don't think that it is a surprise to you to know that I love you. More than I ever thought it was possible to love someone, I love you, and that's scary too, because you've proven yourself very difficult not only to get to know, but to love as well. You're maddening and incredible, frustrating and beautiful, and sometimes just a little crazy. So when I saw that ring on your finger, I knew that it was over. I had promised you to be there for you, always, but I wasn't going to be able to keep that promise, and really of all the things that happened, that was the hardest thing for me to realize. It just added to everything else, and I simply broke."

Kate was curled up in a ball on the couch, sobbing, barely able to take in his words. _How could I have done this? This magnificent man has loved me for years and I simply broke his heart again and again. I have to fix this. I have to, even if it means he leaves me forever. _

She stretched her legs out and put them on the floor, and then looked at Caste through her tear laden eyes. "Saying sorry for all that isn't enough, Castle. There aren't words to express how sorry I am that I've put you through all this. But I want to fix it, if it can be fixed. I'm sure Lanie told you I broke up with Josh, that girl can't keep a secret for the life of her. I don't know if our partnership or our friendship can be salvaged after what I've done to you. Only you can answer that."

Rick took a deep breath, but didn't answer right away. He stood up, suddenly and started to pace back and forth in front of the couch. "You love me?" he asked out of the blue.

"More than anything, but it took all this and a really bad breakup to realize it. I don't know what that says about me."

"What do you want, Kate? If we both forgive each other, where does this go? Where are we in 5 years, 10? What happens if you get cold feet and decide that you don't love me after all? Because I can tell you right now, Kate, my love for you is forever. It will not ever, ever, go away. I came here today to walk away from you, from our partnership, and it was already the hardest thing I've ever had to do or think about. So what do you want?"

"Rick, I…" Lanie had said that they needed to talk about this, but she wasn't sure she was ready to have this conversation. _Girl, it doesn't matter if you're ready. If you want to fix it, fix him, he needs to know what this is for you," _said a voice that sounded suspiciously like Lanie. "Those are really good questions, and the only answers I have are ones of hope and fantasy, not reality. My love for you is forever too, though. Remember back at our second case together when we talked about marriage? I said I was a 'one and done' type of girl?"

"I remember, of course I do," he said.

"You're my one. I think that deep down I've known that since I let you come back after you looked into my mother's case that first time. I knew then that whatever we would have in the future, it'd be special. I'm just really bad at this, and I'm not good about talking about feelings or relationships. Lanie said last night that I'm basically a closed off, dishonest individual when it comes to matters of the heart, and she's right. But if, as you ask, if you forgive me, I want to fix that. I'm ready to let you in."

Castle sat back down on the couch, this time a little close to her. He didn't say anything for the next few minutes. Beckett was getting antsy at his uncharacteristic silence, but held her tongue. She knew he needed to think about what she had said, and what she had done.

"Lanie told me to make you squirm," he said after a while.

The comment was so out of the blue that Kate laughed, and once she started, she couldn't stop. She laughed so hard that her sides hurt and she ended up on the floor. Castle chuckled, but kept it together.

"I'm not going to lie to you, Kate, this is going to be hard for both of us. I do forgive you for what you've done, but it isn't that easy. This has been a terrible experience and there is bound to be some resentment on both sides in the future. But one thing I know for sure is that I love you and that I want us to give this a shot. More than anything I want to try to be your 'one and done'. And I will fight to make this work, but we need to be completely honest with each other and we need to talk about things when something is bothering us. It can't be like it has been for the last three years."

"I agree. And it's going to be mostly me that needs to work on that."

"No, Kate. It has to be both of us. We've both gotten ourselves into this mess, it's going to take us both working hard to get us out of it and moving on the road towards _always._ It's going to take time, sweat and probably many sleepless lonely nights after knock down drag em out fights in order to get this to work. I've known it for a while, but I had a therapy session this morning and it helped me realize that you're not the only one at fault in this. I'm just as much to blame because we didn't talk about things, and we weren't honest about how we felt. So, if we're going to try to do this, try to be together, then we need to both work on it. Not just you, not just me. Both of us. Is that something you want to try to do?"

"Yes, oh, yes Rick, I want that so much. Together. Us. It sounds so good."

Castle, nodded, and stood up. "I'm going to go. Normally after a conversation like this where we agreed we wanted to be together, I'd kiss you, but I think I should wait."

"Why?" She asked, disappointed.

"Kate 24 hours ago you were engaged to another man, and while I know that you say you were in that relationship for the wrong reasons, you need time to get over that, because I do believe that you loved him. We don't need to go too fast with our new relationship. Let's do this," he said, taking her hand, "let's agree to try and go back to where we were a few weeks ago when I started to distance myself. Try and be those people again, but with a new and more honest outlook on who we are. And then, how about we go on a date. A real date. You dressed up in a fancy and gorgeous dress, me in a nice suit. A fancy restaurant, good food, some wine, and then a good night kiss at your door afterwards. Does that sound good?"

"It sounds fantastic, Rick. How about a week from today? You're right I shouldn't rush from one relationship to another, but I'm also sure about us, so I don't want to wait to long. So how does next week sound?"

"It's a date," he picked up his jacket and walked towards the door with her following him. When he opened the door he was surprised to see how close she was. Without saying anything, she wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him tight. After a minute he hugged her back. They stood there for several minutes, just enjoying the comfort that each had to offer.

"Thank you, Rick. For being there for me."

"Always," he said as he let go, touched her cheek, then walked towards the elevator.

He didn't know if what they just started would work or not, but for the first time in a while, there were no dark thoughts, no jealousy, no anger, just hope. And for now, that's all he really needed.

•

**A/N #2 – Wow, right? That was hard to get through. I decided to end it there because it felt right. I hope you liked it and that it didn't make you use too many tissues. I know that the Castle character here is a little or a lot OOC, but it was part of the story. I love the interactions between Lanie and Castle. I think that that relationship should be explored more on the show; Lanie is such a great character. **

**Reviews and favs are awesome and are much appreciated! Any mistakes in the above story are mine and mine alone. I do not now nor have I ever owned Castle or its characters. **


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Castle, Angst, Romance