Chicago PD 1. Chapter 1

**Just a Linstead story that I've had a my mind for a few days now. If you want me to continue it let me know because i'm not really sure yet. And obviously I don't own Chicago PD, just my ideas.**

**Warning: This first chapter is probably rated M towards the end but i found it necessary to set up the story arc. It should be rated T from here on out though. **

**Also Italics are flash backs!**

**Lastly excuse any grammatical mistake because there is bound to be some. I read it over a thousand times but always end up missing some. oh well.**

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Lindsay, Dawson, and Sumner were all busy looking through old CI files for a new case the unit was working on. Erin could feel her eyes growing heavier with every new file she opened. She was completely exhausted. Things had been pretty busy around the precinct lately and she hadn't been sleeping well. She hadn't had a full nights sleep in months really.

"I'll be back in a minute," she mumbled to her fellow detectives as she stood up to leave. She desperately needed a cup of coffee if she was going to make it through the day. Antonio nodded "yeah ok" without ever looking up from the file he was studying, and Sumner let out a simple "Mhm" in response.

She was slowly making her way up the steps, and was half way there when she noticed she was still carrying a stack of files. 'Oh well' she thought to herself and continued her track. When her boots hit the final step she looked up towards the entry of the break room, anxious to pour herself a much-needed mug of caffeine. But her sight was obscured by the figure of a man waiting upstairs.

She knew who it was right away. She took in a sharp gasp, letting the noise escape against her will. The files fell from her hands as he turned around noticing her.

"Erin" it came out as more of a question then a statement.

She bent down to collect the papers she'd dropped. Without looking back up at him she asked "What are you doing here?"

She could here him walking towards her and he bent down to help her gather the rest of the fallen papers.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to tell that she was upset with him, but he was so happy to see her he didn't care if she was being short with him. "I'm back. I came to talk to Voight about coming back to work" He answered her previous question.

Files in hand she made her way to the break room almost completely ignoring the fact he was there. She slid the files onto the table and headed for the coffee pot.

He spoke again "I missed you."

She froze. She knew he would come back eventually and she prayed for him to return for the longest time, but now that he was here she wasn't ready to deal with him. How did he have the nerve to waltz back in here saying that he missed her?

She turned to face him eyes narrowed and jaw clenched. "You missed me Jay? You obviously didn't miss me enough to ever call me back or even text me for three months! So you don't get to come in here and say you missed me." She was whisper yelling so they wouldn't hear her downstairs.

"I wanted to talk to you… I just didn't know what to say. I needed time Erin."

She couldn't believe she was hearing this. Now she was livid.

"84 Days Halstead!" Her voice was slowly turning into a regular yell. "You couldn't think of a way to say 'hey I'm alive and alright and I miss you' in 84 days!"

She was embarrassed and hated the fact that she knew exactly how many days he had been gone.

"I know. I'm sorry" he said it sincerely then reached for her hand. She pulled it away coldly.

"Voight's not here right now. Wait here, come back tomorrow I don't really care. I have work to do," and with that she grabbed the files off the table and headed back downstairs with coffee cup in hand.

Voight was back from the errand he had been running and Olinsky and Ruzek were back from their day of undercover work. Erin once again made her way back up the stairs, only this time with Dawson and Sumner. She was hoping and praying Jay had left. She let out a small sigh of relief when she got to her desk and realized he wasn't there.

Voight walked out of his office "You all look like hell" He said looking around the room at his team. "You're useless like this. Go home. Get some sleep. We'll pick this up tomorrow."

To say Erin was relieved would be an understatement. She grabbed her things and practically ran out of there.

She opened the door to her apartment and headed to her fridge. "Of course no food." She huffed to herself out loud. She grabbed a beer and plopped down onto her couch where she got lost deep in thought remembering that night.

_She was standing in his apartment with the ghastly mustard yellow walls she hated yet found oddly homey at the same time. She watched him as he stared aimlessly out the window. "You can't do this to yourself Jay. You can't save everyone. No matter how badly you want to." She said walking over to stand next to him. They had got a call this morning about a little boy found murdered and it seemed all to familiar to Jay. Erin knew immediately it would remind him of Ben, but she didn't anticipate him taking it this hard. _

"_I can't do this again Erin." He turned to face her "I can't work on this case. I let it take over my life the last time and I can't do that again. I won't let it happen again." His eyes began to swell up with tears. She could tell this case was just the final straw. The stress of the job was getting to be too much and she knew the feeling. _

"_It won't happen again Jay. You're stronger and I'll be here this time" She brought a hand to his chest and he looked down at it, then back to her eyes._

A knock on the door brought her out of her memory. When she opened the door Jay was standing there hands in his jacket pockets and his head down meekly.

"If I wasn't clear enough earlier I don't want to talk to you." He caught the door with his hand before she shut it.

"Please Erin let me come in I need to explain?"

"Five minutes" she said with a sigh of exasperation.

In return Jay let out a sigh of relief and followed her into her apartment. He had been there many times before as her partner and her friend, but now that he had no idea where they stood, and it felt cold. He sat on the couch beside her leaving a good amount of space between then.

She was looking down at her lap pretending to be preoccupied, just waiting for him to begin his explanation. She had waited three months for this. 84 days to be exact and now she wasn't sure she wanted to know. What if she didn't like what he had to say? She was petrified.

Silence. Jay had gone over this conversation a million times in his head, but now all the words escaped him. Maybe it was the idealist side of him that thought this could possibly go over well, thought he could do what he did and she would be ok. But now, after seeing her earlier, he realized how badly he had messed up. How much he had hurt her.

"Four minutes now." She said sharply.

He took in a final deep breath of air. "I shouldn't have left like that. I needed to leave to get away and clear my mind, but the timing was horrible."

As he spoke the memories came flooding back to Erin.

_With her hand pressed against his chest Jay took a step forward. "I can't lose myself in a case like that again Erin." He told her almost inaudibly. He was so close to her now and expression on his face was almost as though he was pleading for her to help him. _

"_I won't let that happen Jay. I'm here. I'll always be here." She could feel every warm exhale he let out against her skin. She couldn't tell if she leaned in first, or if he did, or if it was simultaneous, but suddenly there lips had meet. _

She shook herself out of the memory when she felt him grab her hand.

"It wasn't you Erin. No part of me will ever regret being with you that night. I just had to get away for a while. I knew that if I would have waited for you to wake up I would have never been able to go through with it. I couldn't look into your eyes and say I was leaving, so I went while you were still asleep."

He could see her eyes begin to swell will tears. "You slept with me and then left in the middle of the night Jay! No explanation, so what was I supposed to think. Obvious I thought you regretted it and were so ashamed that you couldn't even face me the next day. I woke up and looked around and realized you were gone and it hurt like hell. Jay I was falling in love with you and you left!" She wished she wasn't crying but she couldn't help it.

He could see how broken she was and he wanted more than anything to make it better but he didn't know how. This was all his fault. This was his mess and he was completely clueless on how to clean it up. So he said the only thing that came to mind "I love you."

She had stopped crying now but anger came flooding in. "That's not fair Jay. You ca't say that. I need you to leave. You couldn't deal with it then so I'm taking a page out of your book and I'm not dealing with this now." She stood up and pointed towards the door.

His heart sunk. She was right to be upset. And she was right it wasn't fair of him to tell her he loved her even if it was the truth. He had put her through too much. As his hand met the cold brass handle he turned around to face the strongest person he had ever meet in his life standing before him looking completely vulnerable and broken. Then spoke his final sentence of the night "Just know that I'm sorry." And with that he breached the exit of her apartment.

Erin walked straight to her room and curled up onto her bed. This wasn't like her. Erin Lindsay was strong, confident, and powerful, not emotional, and vulnerable. Why did he make her feel like this? Why did she allow him to have this kind of power over her? She wondered. With her head rested on her pillow she answered her own questions as she thought back to that night.

_Like Voight had told her ever so crudely she had left a string of broken hearts in her path. She wasn't new to first kisses but this was different. When Jay's lips collided with hers she immediately, desperately craved more. As the kiss deepened she wasn't sure if she could ever get enough. She felt his rough calloused finger wrap around the nape of her neck and she pulled her body in as close to his as she possible could, tangling her fingers in his short hair. She felt his warmth and his rapid heartbeat, and she needed more. _

_As if he had read her mind his hand found it's way to her waist, under her shirt, and was making its way up her stomach. Her skin burned as he touched her and when he reached her breast a shiver was sent down her spine, and she let a moan. Her shirt was lost as she blindly led him towards his bed. They collapsed down without ever parting their lips._

_Clothing was shed rapidly until nothing was left besides his boxers and she reached for them hungrily, pulling them down as quickly as she could. Breathing heavily he kissed her one last time before they both watch him enter her slowly, torturously and she couldn't help but to yell out in pleasure and pain. _


	2. Chapter 2

**So obviously I have decided to continue the story. And I want to give a big shout out and thank you to TvRomances for the suggestion on where I should take the story. I hope you all like it.**

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Erin walked into the precinct twenty minutes late. She had been up most of the night over analyzing everything that had happened with Jay and it was well into the morning when she finally fell asleep. Due to over exhaustion she slept through her alarm clock, and was now late for the first time since she started working in intelligence.

When she entered the unit she immediately saw Jay sitting at his desk as if nothing had happened. As if nothing had changed in the last three months. Thankfully she was saved from that awkward encounter, at least for a few more minutes, when Voight walked out of his office and called her name.

"Lindsay, my office now."

She followed his orders. "I'm sorry. I over slept. It won't happen again."

He sat down at his desk. "Just don't make it a habit kid. But that's not actually why I called you in here. It's been a good few months partnering up with you. You're a pain in the ass, but a good detective. I'm sure you saw Halstead when you got here and now that partner's back you'll go back to nagging him everyday. Now get to work."

Voight said it like he was doing her a favor and had circumstances been different she would have been happy to have her partner back, but now it seemed like a nightmare. She walked out of Voight's office to Jay standing over by Antonio's desk and the whole gang joking around and laughing. She couldn't believe her eyes. Even if she hadn't had feelings for Jay she still would have been upset at him for abandoning the unit so abruptly. She couldn't believe how no one else seemed to be upset.

Against her better judgment she walked right on over to the group.

"What's so funny?" she sounded more pissed off then she would have liked to.

"Oh nothing. We were just reliving old memories." Antonio answered.

"Yeah we were talking about when Jay was completely wasted at some dive bar and tried to fight some guy talking trash about the black hawks last month. You should have been there Lindsay it was hilarious. They were both so drunk they could barely stand let alone fight." Ruzek said trying to hold back tears he was laughing so hard in recollection.

"Wait last month?" Lindsay asked. Adam had to be mistaken Jay had been gone for three months.

"Yeah when Jay came back for the weekend." Ruzek trailed off towards the end when he realized the shocked expression on Erin's face and the wide-eyed 'shut up' glance Jay was giving him.

Erin shook her head and rolled her eyes while clenching her jaw, then walked to get a cup of coffee. "Unbelievable" she murmured to herself. That explained why none of the guys were upset with him. He hadn't completely shut them out while he was away. It was just her that had gotten ignored.

"Way to go man." Jay said shoving Adam's shoulder.

"Sorry Halsted. I didn't know." He looked to Dawson for affirmation. Antonio was to smart to get in the middle of it. He looked down at his desk and go to back to work, but like Ruzek he hadn't known that it was secret.

Just then Voight walked out of his office beckoning them over to the board as he had new evidence for the case they had been working on. They had been working on this case for a few days now. It involved the kidnapping with intent of trafficking girls from the poverty-stricken neighborhoods of Chicago. So far five girls were reported missing. They figured the girls would be taken out of the country soon, most likely to Canada, but they needed to find were the suspects were holding the girls until they could move them out of the country. Voight had just gotten a tip from one of the CI's he had reached out to the day before about a condemned home the suspects were said to be hiding out in with the girls.

Erin was driving like usual. Jay cleared his throat and broke the silence "Are we going to talk about it?"

"No. Not now. We have work to do, and five girls to save from a life of hell."

He looked at her and nodded his head in agreement. "Ok." He was relieved she didn't want to hash it out right now. Even if his excuses were the truth she hadn't seemed to take them well last night, and he had no reason to believe this case would be any different. He still wanted to kick Ruzek's ass for not keeping his mouth shut though.

Halstead kicked the door down and he, Lindsay, Voight, Dawson, and Sumner entered the house while Olinsky and Ruzek went around to the back of the house.

"Chicago PD"

"Clear"

"Clear"

"Kitchens Clear"

It was no wonder the house had been condemned. It was falling apart. It had holes in the wooden floor; the ceiling was visibly sinking in in areas. The house was anything but safe.

"Dawson, Sumner upstairs. Halstead, Lindsay take the basement" Voight instructed.

Erin and Jay headed for the staircase in the back of the house. Jay was in the front just before he reached the top of the steps to begin making his way down he heard a crash, and the floorboards shook a bit underneath him. He whipped around quickly following where the noise came from. Dust was spinning around obstructing his vision. "Lindsay" he called out starting to make his way back towards the main collection of flying dust. He'd only taken a few steps when he realized what had happened. The floor had collapsed out from underneath of her. He looked down the large hole in the floor and as the dust and debris settled he saw his partner lying on the ground bleeding.

"Shit Erin!" he took off to the staircase and taking the stairs in groups of three at a time sprinted to the basement. "Erin" he caught sight of her lying in the same possession across the room from him. He kneeled down next to her as her eyes fluttered opened.

"Either I need to lay off the Chinese take out, or we figured out why this place has been condemned." She joked before coughing from all the dust.

Jay couldn't help but laugh. That was the first time Erin had made a joke since he'd been back and he missed her humor.

Just then Voight made his way down "What the hell happened? Are you alright kid?" he asked frantically.

"Yeah I'm fine" Erin said starting to stand up. "But I can't say the same for the floor."

Voight smiled. "Nothings here it's a dead end. But you need to go to the hospital and get checked out. You cut your head and after a fall like that chances are you have a concussion."

"I said I'm fine." Erin said passing by both men and heading back upstairs to exit the house.

When the group met again out front of the house Voight looked back over to Erin. "If you're too stubborn to see a doctor you're done for the day. Halstead take her home and make sure she doesn't fall asleep for a few hours after hitting her head like that."

Halstead nodded in agreement as Lindsay shot Voight a dirty look. "What part of I'm fine don't you understand?"

"I suggest you get in that car and go home right now Erin." He replied sternly.

She turned around pissed and got into the passenger seat before slamming the door closed.

"This is stupid. There is nothing wrong with me. But with your driving I cant promise there wont be by the time we get to my apartment."

She was so angry, but Jay couldn't help but smile. This was the Erin Lindsay he knew and loved. This sarcastic and quick-witted attitude was what attracted him to her so much.

"This is all you fault" She huffed.

"What?! How could you falling through the floor possibly be my fault?"

"You ran down there yelling after me like I'd been shot or something. You made it seem like it was more serious then it actually was to Voight."

"You have to be kidding me right now. You are seriously angry that I didn't treat my partner falling through a floor as if it were some casual Wednesday afternoon activity? Excuse me for being concerned about you!"

"Shut up and drive." She said before turning to watch out the window the rest of the drive.

When they go to her building he parked and followed her up. When they go to her door she open it then turned to face him "Go home, go to lunch, go to the dive bar Ruzek mentioned earlier, or whatever, but I don't need a babysitter"

He pushed past her into the apartment. "Yeah right like I'm going to disobey Voight on my first day back to work. Just how stupid do you think I am?"

"You don't want me to answer that." She responded heading towards her bathroom to wash the dried blood and dirt off of her face. Jay rolled his eyes and sat on her couch propping his feet up on the coffee table and flipping on CNN. As much as he acted like he was irritated with their banter he loved it. It was way better then the way their conversation had went last night.

She came back out into the living room. "CNN really? I don't wanna watch the news."

"It's three o'clock on a Wednesday afternoon what do you suggest we watch instead princess?" He inquired sarcastically.

"How about the Black Hawks game? Oh that's right you only watch that secretly at some dive bar behind my back. My bad. I forgot."

He brought his hands up to his face rubbing his eyes "Oh god, here we go again."

"Actually no. I don't want to hear anymore bullshit excuses. I'm going to take a shower. Enjoy your CNN." And with that she headed to the bathroom slamming the door.

When he heard the water running he turned back to the TV and zoned out thinking about the last two days. He knew better to assume that Erin would want to jump into a relationship the second he got back, but now he wasn't sure she would ever even want to be his friend again. That thought killed him.

About five minutes had gone by when Jay heard a load thump followed by a crashing sound coming from the bathroom. He jumped up off the couch in a panic and ran towards the bathroom. "Erin!"


	3. Chapter 3

He shook the door handle but of course she had locked it. "Damn it Erin" he said under his breath before rapidly shoving his shoulder into the door making it fling open. The water was still running but the shower curtain and rod had fallen down, and she was lying motionless in the tub. He swiftly turned the water off and knelt town next to the tub. Reaching out to wipe the sopping wet hair from her face he began begging her to wake up. "Erin come on. Wake up, please!" No response. He ran back out to the living room to grab his phone to call for help. As he was making his way back to the bathroom, phone in hand beginning to dial he heard a moan. She was awake.

"Erin you're awake!" he said making his way to her side.

The look on her face was pure confusion.

"Don't try to move until we know you didn't hurt you back or neck when you fell." He warned her squatting down to be by her side.

"What…What happened?" She whispered.

"I don't really know. I heard you fall and when I came in you were unconscious."

She looked around for a few more seconds taking in her surroundings. "Shit Jay." She suddenly realized where she was and sat up quickly pulling her knees into her chest and wrapping her arms around her chest.

He smirked and rolled his eyes "Seriously, my mind was a bit preoccupied to even notice that you are naked Erin" He told her reaching for a towel and handing it to her.

She wrapped it around herself letting out an audible wince. "My stomach and back are both killing me."

"Yeah we gotta get you to a doctor. Do you think you passed out from the pain or do you think it's because you have a concussion? "

"I don't really know. Could be either I guess. My back was hurting, then I felt nauseous and dizzy. From there I don't remember."

He reached out his hand to help her stand, but being her stubborn self she refused it standing up on her own with a wince. "Let me get dressed and we'll go."

"Ok just don't lock the door this time." He said it as though he was kidding but was actually very serious. He paced outside the bathroom door waiting for her to come out.

"Are you ok? Do you need help?" He yelled through the door sincerely worried.

"Ew no I'm coming. Chill out." She yelled back annoyed.

When they got to the hospital the emergency waiting room was packed. 'Great it'll take hours' he thought to himself. "I'm going to see what I can do"

She immediately knew what he meant. She watched him walk up to the desk, flash his badge, and begin to explain her situation. Just seconds later he turned around and motioned for her to join him and the nurse opened the door letting them in.

Jay was told to wait in the hallway. He plopped down into a chair. He kept checking his watch. It felt like it was taking forever. Each minute passed as if it were an hour. He eventually fell asleep in the chair. When he woke up he was disorientated and wasn't sure how long he had been out. Just then the nurse that had let them in walked by. He jumped up.

"Excuse me. Hey"

She turned around. "What's going on? Is she ok?"

He saw all expression escape her face. "She's going to be ok. You should let her talk to you about the baby though."

His knees went weak beneath him as he took a step backwards. The room was spinning and he couldn't catch his breath. 'She has to be mistaken' he contemplated in his head 'maybe she is confusing me with someone else.' The nurse finally spoke again.

"Are you ok detective."

'Well there goes my mistaken identity theory. She definitely doesn't have the wrong guy.' He thought to himself. He stuttered in response. "When can…. Is she…Can I see her now?" He finally got the question out.

"The doctor just left her. She should be getting around to leave. You can go in."

She walked to the door and opened it for him and he entered.

Erin was standing next to the bed putting her jacket on. She looked up when she heard the door opening. Jay knew immediately that she had been doing her best not to cry. The nurse was definitely not mistaken, he knew the second he saw Erin's face.

Her lips pursed together, her nostrils flared, and her eyes glazed over and she willed away tears.

His chest was so tight and his vocal cords battled to get words out. Not that he knew what to say even if he could talk. Words eventually began to exit his lips and it took him a second to realize that they were coming from him.

"What's going on Erin?" it was a whisper.

A stray tear fell from one eye as she opened her mouth to speak. Then another from the other eye, swiftly picking up speed they began rapidly falling from her eyes rolling down her cheeks.

"I swear I didn't know. I don't know how this happened. I'm on the pill Jay. If I would have know I would have came to the hospital earlier after I fell through the floor."

She was sobbing at this point and the only thing he could think to do was to hold her. With her head rested against her chest muffling sobs he smoothed her hair and whispered the only thing he could think to say over and over again.

"Shhhh. It's going to be ok. It's going to be ok. Shhhh"

It was the first time she had let him anywhere near her since he'd gotten back, but he never wanted it to be like this. This was something he never imagined happening and was having trouble wrapping his head around it himself. The idea that this morning he was going to be a dad and didn't even know it was unfathomable. Now his heart ached and grieved over the loss of an unborn child he'd only know existed for five minutes.

They drove back to her apartment in eerie silence. There was nothing that could be said. No words could change it or make it better.

She walked straight to her bed without bothering to change out of her jeans. He leaned against the doorframe staring at her sadly for a few moments. She spoke first shattering the silence.

"I'm sorry."

He walked towards the bed "Hey, no don't do that. You can't blame yourself Erin. You didn't know." He spoke softly and tenderly, but also sternly to assure that she understood he didn't blame her.

"Jay… Will you please stay with me? I don't wanna be alone."

He nodded and laid down next to her. She turned her back to him and he pulled her into his chest holding her close. He knew that she just needed to feel safe for the night. She needed human contact. This didn't change the fact that he had hurt her by leaving, and knowing Erin she would wake up tomorrow pissed off at him all over again, but right now she needed him and he refused to let her down again. It took less then fifteen minutes for her breathing to even out and he knew she was asleep. He placed a light kiss on the top of her head and then closed his own eyes to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**First off I need to say THANK YOU to everyone that reviewed. I'm so excited that I shocked you guys with the pregnancy. I was hesitant to take it there but in hindsight I am more than happy I did.**

**After reading some of the comments I realized I may have left the state of the pregnancy a bit ambiguous. To clear things up Erin did miscarry due to the fall, and fainting in the shower was a result of that. Sorry for any confusion.**

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Erin slowly fluttered her eyes open and saw the time on her alarm clock; 7:38. She noticed Jay's arm around her and for a split second felt bliss before realization of why he was there set in. She stealthily snuck out from under his arm being careful not to wake him. She tiptoed to her dresser pulled out some workout clothes to be comfortable for the day, then headed towards her bathroom.

As she quietly shut the door she remembered that the curtain and rod were still down so she couldn't take a shower. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and splashed some water on her face before beginning to change her clothes. She slid on her cropped leggings and turned to look at herself in the full-length mirror. Hands shaking she fumbled for the bottom of her shirt. When she got hold of it she hesitated as though she were afraid of what she might find upon lifting it up.

She removed the shirt letting it fall to the ground and with one hand gently rubbed over her stomach. Releasing her stomach mussels and watching it grow out, and then constricting them back in. She watched herself in the mirror wondering how she hadn't know. Contemplating how she had been pregnant for about eleven weeks without even the slightest idea. She felt a few stray tears escape her eyes and she whipped them away with the back of her free hand. Then she brought both hands to her stomach holding it, just starring at herself in the mirror.

She knew it was normal for women to inspect there bellies upon finding out they were pregnant. Anticipating their oncoming baby bumps. But most women didn't find out they were pregnant only to find out they had lost their baby one sentence later.

After a few more minutes passed she put on her clean shirt and turned to the sink locking eyes with her reflection in the medicine cabinet mirror. She barely recognized herself. It seemed as though she was an empty hollow shell of the women she had been just a few short months ago. As she stared back at into the eyes that looked to her as if they belonged to a stranger she made herself a promise. Internally she told herself that the second she walked through the bathroom door she would not mope, be emotional, or show any signs of mourn. Pretending to be alright was a skill she had practically mastered, and all her life's practice of faking a smile and building a facade was in preparation for this moment. She took a deep breath counted to three in her head, and made her way out of the bathroom with intent on keeping the promise she had made to herself.

Jay woke up to the smell of fresh coffee brewing. He made his way to the living room yawning and running a hand through his hair. He'd be lying if he didn't say he was a nervous to find out what state of mind Erin would be in this morning. He saw her sitting on the couch sipping from her coffee mug and was pleasantly surprised at how well she looked given the circumstances.

"Morning." He said.

"Coffees on the counter."

After one sentence he could tell she intended on shutting him out again. He poured himself a cup and sat near her on the couch. Before he had a chance to say anything her phone rang.

"Hello."

He waited listening intently to figure out who was on the other end of the line.

"We completely forgot to call you. I kind of fainted after we got back so Halstead took me to the hospital. I'm home now and everything is fine. The doctor said I should probably stay home the rest of the week though."

Jay now knew that it was Voight, and she was blatantly lying through her teeth to him. To be honest he was kind of glad she was lying because he wasn't ready to deal with Voight.

"I'm sorry. I'm sure he meant to call it was just really hectic and after they released me we were both exhausted."

Erin was silent for a moment listening to Hank speak, and Jay strained himself in an attempt to hear.

"Ok I'll tell him. Thank you." And she hung up.

Jay stared at her waiting to hear about what Voight had said. She reached for her mug and acted oblivious to the fact that Jay was impatiently waiting for an explanation. Finally he couldn't take it anymore.

"Soooo?"

"Oh. He said you could take the day off to stay and make sure I'm ok. I would have argued with him but I'm going to need a ride home from the hospital."

Hospital? He had been to overwhelmed yesterday to even think about what would come next. He didn't realize there would be a procedure. She saw the way his brow furrowed in confusion and got slightly aggravated. She didn't want to have to explain it all to him. She just wanted to get it over with so she could try and move on. She sighed and then began to explain.

"It's called a D&amp;C procedure. I don't exactly remember how he said it works but it will be faster then carrying out the miscarriage naturally, and I just need this to be done Jay."

He nodded in agreement. "The ER doctor helped me set up the appointment with the on staff gynecologist yesterday and my appointment it at 11. It's out patient so I need you to take me home afterwards since I'll be drugged from the anesthesia."

"I want to be here for you Erin" He said reaching out and placing a hand on her knee. He watched as she practically cringed under his touch and it hurt. He knew her well enough to know that pushing everyone away was her coping mechanism, but he wanted so badly to help her through this. He needed her to let him help, in order to help heal himself.

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**As far as plot goes nothing really exciting happened this chapter. A few questions needed to be answered and a few loose ends needed tying up, so i used this chapter to do so. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry I didn't forget about this story. I've just been lacking inspiration lately, but after last nights Lindseride scenes on the show I figured we could all use a little Linstead fan fic. So here you go. Let me know if you have any suggestions on where the story should go, and as always reviews are greatly appreciated.**

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Jay sat in the waiting room of Mercy Hospital. As a cop he hated the hospital. Almost every time he had been had been for some horrible reason and this was no different. His knee was bouncing up and down as he waited impatiently. He knew the procedure was low risk and that Erin would be fine, but he wouldn't relax until he could see her.

The doctor, and a nurse finally entered the waiting room and walked towards him. He jumped out of chair anxious to hear how she was.

"Everything went well. Just as planned. She'll be in a bit of pain but I called in a prescription for the painkillers earlier like we had talked about. Remember she needs to take one every 12 hours. She should avoid sexual intercourse for at least two weeks."

'I don't see that being an issue. She wont even let me near her.' Jay thought to himself.

The doctor continued " And as long as she isn't in any pain she'll be able to start working again Monday. The recovery time is really fast for this procedure. The nurse will take you back to see her now."

As Jay walked with the nurse she looked over to him and gave a reassuring smile before she opened her mouth to speak. "I'm going to go ahead and warn you that she was a bit emotional when she first woke up. Her hormones right now are unbalanced. Mix that with the effects of the anesthesia and it's not that unusual for women to be hysterical for a bit after they wake."

Jay nodded barely paying attention to what the nurse was telling him. He just wanted to see her with his own eyes. When he walked in the room she looked drowsy, tired, and confused. There was another nurse in the room talking with Erin.

"So you're sure I's all done? I don't even remember falling asleep." He heard her slur.

"Yes. I'm sure the procedure is all finished. You are going to be just fine." The nurse answered her.

Jay walked over to her "Hey, how you feeling?" He said grabbing her hand in his.

Her eyes lit up when she noticed him. He noticed and couldn't help but smile. Under the influence of the medicine she didn't have the strength to push him away or shut him out. The look she gave him was enough for him to know that she did still care about him, and that all he needed from her.

She looked from him to the nurse then back to him. "She says it's all over. She says I can leave in a few minutes. I don't know if she's right" Erin whispered trying not to allow the nurse to hear her.

Jay smirked. "No she's right. I can take you home in just a minute."

He watched as her facial expression changed and tears started to fill her eyes.

He attempted to sooth her by reaching out and smoothing her hair. It was too late though she was already crying.

"That means the baby is gone. …Our baby."

"Hey. Hey, Erin come on. Don't do that."

Now she was really bawling. "You should hate me. Why don't you hate me? I killed our baby Jay. This is all my fault. I hate me. Why don't you hate me?" Between Hiccups and on the verge of hyperventilating she finally broke down.

When he reached to console her she freaked out and tried pushing him away hitting him in the chest. She was full on sobbing now. It was the kind of sob that struggles to escape from your throat. The only sound was occasional gulps for air. Jay was taken aback and grabbed her face in his hands resting his forehead to hers.

"Shhhhh Listen to me. Just listen. Shhh" She quieted down and allowed her breathing to get closer to normal, but wouldn't life her eyes too look at him.

"I could never hate you Erin. This is not your fault you hear me?...I don't blame you and I could never hate you. I love you too much ok?" He pulled his head back and kissed her forehead before pulling her into his arms in a tight embrace.

On the car ride home the drugs started to wear off, and as Erin became aware of her actions she became mortified. She was completely embarrassed by everything she had said to Jay. She had promised herself no more showing emotion, but apparently on drugs she was one of those weepy girls that blurted out everything on their mind.

She went straight to bed when they arrived back at her apartment. She was exhausted, in pain, but most of all didn't want to face Jay after her confession at the hospital.

Jay collapsed onto her couch. He felt emotionally drained. 'Erin can't possibly think I could ever hate her right? If I blame anyone I blame myself. If I were here she wouldn't have been so stressed out and overwhelmed, and maybe realized she was pregnant. Things would have been different if I wouldn't have left.' He thought to himself. Massaging his temples with his head in his hands he let out a sigh and looked up to the bathroom door. 'I should get that shower curtain and rod fixed for her.' He though.

As he walked towards the bathroom to scope out how he would fix it there was a knock on the front door. He knew it was Voight without even having to look. "Shit" he muttered under his breath.

As he walked towards the door he noticed the duffle bag of his clothes he had stopped and gotten this morning on the way to the hospital. Erin had insisted that he didn't need them and he wouldn't be staying the night again but he brought them anyways. Now he had to hide the bag before Voight got the wrong idea. He hurried and hid it out of sight and opened the door.


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey Voight" Jay said swinging the door open.

As Hank walked into the apartment he asked about Erin "How's she doing Halstead?"

"Good. She is asleep right now." He said softly not to wake Erin.

Hank nodded and looked in the bathroom door as he passed by. He turned to face Jay with a questioning look on his face.

"Yeah I was just getting ready to start working on fixing that when you knocked. It happened when she fainted yesterday."

"Huh" Voight responded with a nod and entered the bathroom to take a closer look. "Could you use a hand?"

"Actually yeah. Do you know if She keeps any tools around here? I need a screw driver."

"Yeah should be under the sink in the kitchen."

"Got it" Jay said entering the bathroom with the screw driver in hand.

"Alright kid you just hold the rod in place for me. I'll do the rest."

Jay grabbed the rod and held steady above his head. "How is the case going?"

"We caught the guys this morning. All but one of the girls are still alive. I guess it was a good thing Erin wasn't there. She's a good detective but you know how she gets with cases like these. "

Jay nodded "They upset her." He said in agreement.

"Yeah. All set Halstead" Voight responded stepping down from the edge of the tub now that the shower rod was in place.

"Thanks for the help" Jay thanked him.

"Don't mention it kid." And he patted Jay on the back. "I appreciate you looking after her now that you're back. Kid's stubborn as hell and would never admit it, but she really missed you while you were gone. We could all see it."

Jay nodded and looked down at his feet. He hated feeling like he was lying to Voight by keeping the pregnancy and miscarriage a secret. He wanted to say something but he needed to regain Erin's trust and going behind her back and telling Voight was not going to help him get it.

"I missed her too. She's important to me." He finally said looking up to see his boss' reaction.

Voight didn't seem to read too much into what Jay had said. He walked towards the front door. "I'll see you tomorrow Halstead. Let her know I stopped by and tell her I expect to see her back Monday. And thanks again. Lindsay's tough as nails but sometimes she needs some help. It's nice having you back." And with that Voight left the apartment.

After Voight left Jay stood in the doorway of Erin's room. He knew if she woke up and saw him standing there watching her sleep she would give him a hard time, but she looked so peaceful he couldn't leave. He was still on a high from everything Voight had said to him. It was the nicest conversation they had had since he joined the unit, and it felt nice to know Voight appreciated him. Maybe He and Erin were overestimating how angry would be if he found out about everything.

A few minutes passed by and Erin started to stir in her sleep. Her eyes fluttered open and she flinched and sat up quickly in surprise when she noticed Jay standing there. She winced as the jerking motion had hurt a bit.

"Damn it Halsted you scared me."

"Sorry. Are you alright?"

"Yeah I'm alright. What are you standing there for anyway?"

"Voight just left" he responded trying to dodge her question.

"Oh. So what did he have to say?"

"That he expects to see you Monday if you're feeling better and he ended up helping my with your shower rod."

"Oh ok. Thanks."

"Erin I." He paused thinking of the best way to tell her what was on his mind. "I think we should just tell him everything. I don't feel comfortable lying to him."

The way her eyes opened widely was a dead giveaway that she was not on the same page. "No. No way. We will tell him nothing. There is noting to tell. It's over. Done with. You hear me Jay? We're not telling him anything." She spat back so quickly that if he hadn't been looking at her as she spoke he wouldn't have understood a word exiting her lips.

"But Erin I think"

He was cut off.

"I said no! This is not up for discussion Jay! Unless it affects my work Voight has no right to know what goes on in my body, and as for you and I it was one time months ago. It's over and done with, and nothing he needs to hear about."

They stared at on another for a minute both firmly holding their ground. Finally Erin spoke again.

"You have to work tomorrow. You should go home and get some sleep."

Jay shook his head at how stubborn she was being. "Fine. I'll see you later" And he left the apartment slamming the door behind him.


	7. Chapter 7

Jay walked into the precinct knowing Erin wouldn't be there. Part of him was happy she wasn't working today. They needed some space after last night's argument, well Erin needed space he wanted the opposite of space.

Antonio was in the break room and he joined him to get himself some coffee.

"Morning Antonio."

"Hey, How's Lindsay doing?"

"Uh better I guess." He said poring the coffee and feeling bad for lying to the man who had got him into intelligence. He turned around to face Antonio.

"Voight didn't tell us what exactly was wrong. Was it a concussion?" Antonio asked curiously.

Jay brought the mug to his lips to take a drink giving him time to contemplate what he'd tell him.

Antonio furrowed his brow in confusion. "First there was the whole thing with Ruzek telling Erin about when you came to visit. Which we weren't aware was a secret by the way, and now you are dodging my simple questions. What's going on with you Halstead?"

Jay let out a sigh "If I tell you something can you promise you wont tell anyone? Erin can't know I told you, and you especially can't tell Voight."

Now the older detective was extremely curious. "You have my word."

Jay popped his head out to make sure no one was in earshot of the break room. They were still the only members of the unit there yet.

"The night I left … Erin came over and we slept together. Then I left in the middle of the night while she was still asleep."

He decided to keep the pregnancy part of the story a secret still, so he didn't feel like he was completely betraying Erin.

Dawson's eyes widened. That is not what he had expected to hear. "You just left her asleep in your apartment?"

Jay cringed knowing how bad it sounded. "Yeah and that's why she was upset when she found out I had seen you guys. I kind of didn't return any of her calls of texts."

Now Antonio was angry. He cared about Jay and knew that he was a good guy, but Erin was like his younger sister. "So you slept with her, left, and then ignored her for months? She has a right to be pissed Jay. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed in you."

"I know it sounds bad Antonio but I needed to leave and if I would have waited for her to wake up I never would have gone. And I would have called but if I heard her voice I would have came back before I was ready. I love her Antonio, but three months ago I wasn't mentally in a place where I could give her what she deserves."

This sounded more like the Jay Antonio knew. His explanation made since. He absolutely understood why Erin would be upset, but he also understood why Jay had left.

"Does she know all this?"

"Yes most of it. But she doesn't care. She's too upset still. I get why she's angry but I love her. I just want her to realize that I had to leave not only for myself. but also for her."

Antonio nodded taking it all in. "Just give it time man. You have to prove to her that she can trust you again." He encouraged him patting him on the back.

Jay nodded in agreement.

"Also you're right Voight cant find out. If you had told him you wanted to be with Erin he would have yelled a bit and thrown a fit, but he would have gotten over it if he knew you'd make her happy. But this is different. Neither of them are willing to admit it but he's basically her dad. You broke his little girls heart and Voight is way to protective to let that end well for you."

"Yeah you right" Jay responded as the exited the break room hearing the footsteps of their coworkers coming up the stairs.

The weekend came and went and Erin was back to work on Monday morning. Walking up the stairs to intelligence Jay greeted her.

"Hey I called to check on you."

"You called a few times Jay. I answered the first time on Friday. I'm fine."

Embarrassed Jay looked down at his feet. "Ok yeah. Good."

The day went by slowly nothing important really happening. When it was time to leave Jay invited Erin to Molly's with the guys for a drink. She declined. Tuesday and Wednesday they worked late on an exhausting case involving a drug ring. When they finally finished the case Thursday Jay once again invited Erin to Molly's, but she turned him down again. Friday after work he didn't give her the option to turn him down.

About forty five minutes after leaving the precinct Erin heard a knock on her door. She opened the door to find Jay standing there with a pizza and a six-pack.

"Jay what are you doing?"

"Well I'm pretty sure I'm standing in your hallway with pizza and beer." He said as he passed by her walking into her apartment.

"I'm only letting you in because I'm hungry." She yelled over her shoulder to him as he made his way to her kitchen.

She slid on a bar stool and cracked open a beer. After taking a drink she once again asked her question. "Really Jay though what are you doing? You can't just show up like this."

"I just miss my best friend Erin. I understand if we can't be more right now, but I need my friend back."

"Jay I see you all day everyday at work. Now you show up at my apartment after work. How am I supposed to move on from everything if you're always right there?"

"Erin please. I just need you to be my friend. I'm not asking for anything else. Just my friend."

She stared at him for a moment and finally nodded. "Only because you brought pizza."

Jay laughed and passed her a plate from across the counter.


	8. Chapter 8

Saturday afternoon Erin got a text for Jay asking if she was going to Molly's that night. She replied that she wasn't because she had a lot of errands she needed to get done on her weekend off. Honestly her 'errands' included a bottle of wine, hours of Internet surfing, Netflix, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's, but she just didn't feel like going out tonight. But Jay being Jay couldn't take no for an answer replying back that he'd pick her up at eight.

When jay showed up at her apartment she swung the door open for him with her hands on her hips.

"You're lucky I'm nice. I really don't feel like going out tonight."

He laughed dramatically. "I can think of a lot of adjectives to describe you Erin Lindsay but nice is not on that list."

She mad a face pretending to be shocked and insulted.

"I am to nice!"

"Really, name one nice thing you have ever done for me."

"I let you see me naked." She said smugly walking past him and out of her apartment in rout to Jay's car.

He smiled shaking his head "Touché" he yelled after her closing the door to follow.

She stood in front of his car as he walked down the sidewalk towards her.

"Toss me your keys."

"This is my car Erin."

"I'm aware."

"You're not driving me, in my car."

"Fine we can take my car than."

He rolled his eyes and tossed her the keys.

"Thank you." She replied in an exasperated tone as if she'd been waiting forever for him to give in.

"Do you get your kicks emasculating me Erin?"

"A girl has to have fun somehow."

Upon arriving to Molly's they joined Antonio his wife Laura, Alvin, and Adam at a table.

"Whoa Erin Lindsay is joining us tonight? What ever do we owe this pleasure?" Ruzek teased.

She squinted her eyes "Shut up Ruzek. For that you can buy me a drink."

He laughed.

"I'm not kidding Ruzek. Go!"

Adam jumped up and walked to the bar.

Everyone else at the table laughed.

"He does have a point. It's been a while since you joined us Lindsay." Alvin commented.

"See told you." Jay chimed in.

"What the hell is this gang up on Erin day? I've been busy ok!" she replied in playful annoyance.

Just then Adam returned with Erin's drink. Setting the glass in front of her on the table he started in again.

"Busy huh? So who's the guy?"

Now the grin was whipped off of Jays face. There couldn't be a guy. He was 'the guy.' Right? He looked to Erin for clarification.

She seemed more serious and the some of the lightness of the playful banter had escaped from the group.

"There isn't a guy. As you know I was sick. I've been busy nursing myself back to health Adam. Thanks for your concern in my love life though. How are things between you and Wendy?" She hissed.

She instantly felt bad for going there. It was a low blow considering she knew Ruzek and Wendy were on a break.

Adam looked down at his drink and the table was dead silent except for Jay.

"Whoa Erin that's enough." Jay interjected raising an eyebrow in her direction.

She excused herself from the table and headed towards the bathroom.

Jay brought a hand to his face rubbing his head in frustration.

"Is she alright?" Antonio asked Jay gesturing towards the direction Erin had walked away.

"I don't even know anymore." He replied honestly. "But sorry about that Ruzek. She didn't mean it."

"It's all good." Adam replied taking another drink.

Laura kissed Antonio on the cheek and followed after Erin towards the bathroom in pursuit of checking on the detective.

She knocked tentatively. "Hey Erin. Everything alright in there."

Erin opened the door slightly peeping her head out in surprise. Antonio was like her older brother, and she liked his wife Laura, but they weren't particularly close. They weren't exactly friends.

"Yeah I'm alright"

"Can I come in?" Laura asked

Erin opened the door wider allowing her to enter.

Erin leaned against the door and watched as Laura looked in the mirror fixing her hair and reapplying her lip-gloss.

"They all really care about you Erin. They are insensitive and obnoxious and ridiculous but I can tell they all really love you. They think they have too tease you. You're like the sister in house full of boys."

Erin smiled slightly. "I know that. I don't know what happened out there. Usually I can keep up with them."

Laura finished adjusting her makeup and turned to face her. "So disregarding what just happened Erin how are you? You seem kind of off tonight what's going on?"

Erin shook her head. "Nothing" She whispered.

"Confidential Erin. Woman to woman. Antonio doesn't have to know."

Erin looked into her eyes contemplating rather or not she should talk. It was tempting. Maybe some 'girl talk' would do her some good. Laura waited patiently.

"I… I'm not okay..But I don't really know what's wrong. If that makes sense. Everything is just wrong I guess."

Laura nodded. "Based on your reaction to Ruzek a minute ago I'd guess there is actually a guy involved?" She asked knowingly.

"You'd guess right." Biting the inside of her cheek she felt embarrassed.

"Would you be mad if I guessed who it is?" She questioned raising her eyebrow with a smirk.

Erin sighed "Is it that obvious?" She wondered mortified.

Laura laughed a little. "To me yes. But the guys out there are completely oblivious. They may all be good detectives but when it comes to this stuff they are clueless." She joked.

This made Erin feel relieved. "It just can't happen you know? It's to complicated. We are friends. Partners. Nothing else. Well nothing else anymore."

Now Laura was extremely curious. "Anymore?"

Erin nodded repeating "Anymore" for clarification.

Now Laura was starting to understand just how complicated it really was. "Obviously I've never been in your exact situation, but I will tell you this. Life is short so you have to figure out who is worth spending your time on. Only you can decide who makes the cut. If he's it tell him. If he's not you'll find him eventually."

"Thanks" Erin said with a small smile before the two women exited the restroom.

Erin slid back into her chair next to Jay, and Laura Dawson's word spun around in her head. Was it worth it? Worth Voight's rath? Worth potentially ruining the friendship they had just gotten back? Worth possibly getting her heart broken again? Those were all questions she wasn't ready to answer yet.


	9. Chapter 9

A few hours later the group was leaving Molly's and calling it a night. After saying good bye Jay and Erin walked towards his car that was parked around the block.

"I'm driving you know." Jay told her.

"I'm fine to drive I haven't had a drink in over an hour."

"I only had one drink, so I'm driving."

"Ugh you are so annoying."

"Well if you get your kicks emasculating me I can get my kick by annoying you. It's a fair trade."

She smiled and rolled her eyes as they reached the car. When they began the drive Erin looked over to him.

"Can we stop and get something to eat?"

He looked down at the clock. "At quarter after eleven?"

"Yes at quarter after eleven. I'm starving. It can even be party store food. I just haven't went shopping in a while and I'm hungry."

"Alright."

He pulled up outside of a party store and Erin hopped out. He waited for her in the car. Five minutes later she came out with a bag full of food.

He looked in the bag. "So you intend on living off of poptarts, combos, and m&amp;m's?"

"I mean they have sustained me this far in life."

He laughed. "Sorry I just didn't realize you were ten years old."

"Shut up Jay. You eat pizza and Chinese on alternating days."

"Um excuse me I eat a burger at least once a week."

She smiled "Whatever. You're just jealous because I'm not going to share any of my m&amp;m's with you.

"Seriously! I took you to the party store you could at least give me a few. Since you bought like five bags." He stuck out his hand palm facing up for her to pour some of the chocolate into it, while his other hand gripped the steering wheel.

When they pulled up outside her apartment Jay stopped the car and looked over to her.

"Thanks for coming out tonight even though you had so many important errands to do." He said teasingly. "Although I'm not all that sure Ruzek appreciated your company."

She made her best 'oops' facial expression. "I was kind of a bitch to him huh?"

"Well I mean… Yeah kind of" He replied laughing. "He can take it though. Beside he's no saint himself."

"Yeah I guess. I should probably text him tomorrow and apologize though."

"Probably."

"So this whole friends thing is good. You're happy right?" She was secretly hopping he'd say no.

"Yeah. It's good. It's for the best I mean."

She nodded in agreement although she was a bit disappointed by his response.

"Oh and Erin that's some nice chocolate you have there on your face."

"I do not have chocolate on my face!"

"Well actually you do. Come here I'll get."

She leaned over closer to him and her brought his hand to the side of her face rubbing his thumb over the chocolate on her cheek.

"This isn't embarrassing or anything. Apparently I eat like a kid and make a mess."

He was smiling. "Like I said I didn't realize you were ten. And there I got it." But he let his hand linger there on her cheek.

Just then she realized just how close their faces were. Her heart told her to kiss him, but her head screamed that it was a bad idea. She missed the taste of his lips more then she'd like to admit. One night with him wasn't enough. Her heart knew that. But she was just to damn stubborn. Part of her just wished that he would kiss her so she didn't have to decide between her head and her heart. When she realized he wasn't going to she cleared her throat. "I should probably head inside now. Goodnight" And she opened the car door and walked away.

"Yeah goodnight" He replied disappointed but she had already closed the door behind her.

While driving away Jay decided in that moment it was time for him to move on. He still loved her but he had promised to just be her friend. Because of that, if they were ever to be anything more she would have to initiate it. As much as he wanted to be with her he knew it could take forever for her to realize she wanted him back. Knowing Erin he'd be an old man by the time she let her guard back down. Until she was ready to admit it he would only be her friend and partner.


	10. Chapter 10

Monday morning Jay volunteered to go undercover in a new case. Narcotics had been working on it for months with little success before handing it off to intelligence. It was a major drug sting and Voight had mad a deal with one of his CI's and had set it up perfectly. All Jay had to do was pretend that he worked for another drug dealer and go to the house of their suspect to pick up the drugs. Voight had it all planned out perfectly for him and it should have gone smoothly.

The other officers were stationed in their vehicles around the block listening intently to Jay's wire. Erin was nervously chewing her fingernails. Like she always did when she was nervous and now her fingers were on the verge of bleeding. Jay was taking forever in there. The connection on the wire was going in and out, and it was making her anxious.

"Where the hell is he?" she asked Voight frustrated.

"Have a little faith kid. He's coming."

Just then Erin noticed a suspicious looking vehicle zooming past them and around the corner. Before she could even say anything Voight put the car in gear, and followed them towards the house. When a group of around five guys jumped out of the van armed and ran towards the house Voight immediately called for back up. When they pulled up to the driveway Erin didn't hesitate to jump out of the car. All of the men were already inside and she could hear gun shots.

"Lindays! Stop! You're going to get yourself killed!" Voight yelled after her getting out of the car himself.

"Jay's in there!" She said whipping around to face Hank.

"And you're going to be dead and useless to him if you don't wait for some back up." Dawson, Olinksy, Ruzek, and Sumner pulled up right as he finished.

Erin ran towards the house without waiting for Voight to finish delegating. When she got inside everyone had caught up and were on her heels, except for Ruzek and Olinsky who had went around back. She immediately saw numerous dead bodies. Some belonging to the guys she had seen coming out of the van and some that must have already been in the house.

Shots were still being fired but she was in a trans. She had to find him. She was terrified. She needed him. Rather it was just as friends or something more she just needed Jay Halsted in her life. He made her feel safe, and she was still working out what she was going to do after her conversation with Laura Dawson. If something happened to Jay she would never be able to figure things out. She knew she should have been focusing on trying to find her partner, and making sure she didn't get herself killed in the process. And it irritated her that all she could think about was their life outside of work. She was wondering rather or not she should tell him she still had feelings for him. She was wondering if she was even ready for a serious relationship if she did tell him. Would he even want that? He had told her that he loved her, but she had been so cold towards him since then.

She turned a corner and saw a familiar body lying on the floor of a back bedroom.

This shocked her out of her thoughts. She ran towards him. Blood. There was blood on him. Her heart stopped. Before she made it over there the saw him move and turn his head toward her. They locked eyes and her heart began to beat again. She knelt down beside him looking for the wound the blood had came from.

"It's not mine" He assured her gesturing towards the dead body less then five feet away Erin had yet to notice.

"Then lets get out of here" She whispered.

They made their way back to the group guns draw the entire time. He was fine and had her back again. She was beyond relieved. She wanted to tell him how afraid she had been but it would have to wait until they got out of there.

Ruzek and Olinksy had managed to catch two guys escaping through the back door, and Sumner and Antonio managed to catch another, but everyone else in the house was dead. Jay was extremely lucky to have had a different fate.

When they all got outside uniformed officers were there to haul the perp's to the station. An ambulance was there just in case although it wasn't going to be needed. Erin saw Voight storming towards her.

"What the hell was that Erin?" He yelled. "I'll answer for you. It was reckless and stupid. You could have gotten yourself killed and put the rest of the unit in danger by running in before I gave you permission!"

"He needed back up in there Voight! I wasn't just going to stand around and wait while my partner was in danger!" She screamed back.

"You better get it together Lindsay. There is no room in my unit for detectives who can't listen to me. I'm the Sargent. Remember that. Now get in the car and wait. You have done enough already."

If looks could kill Erin's evil eye would have ended Voight's life right then and there. She got into the car slamming the door aggressively. A few minutes later Jay got in the back seat directly behind her.

"Well you sure pissed him off. I got an earful after you got in the car. Apparently it's my fault you were reckless. According to Voight I am doing a shit job at keeping it professional, we are too emotionally attached, and it's inappropriate for work."

"Don't flatter yourself Halstead. I was just doing my job." She lied. She knew her reaction was and the way she ran in there was too emotional for the job.

"Not very well apparently." He replied back.

"Shut up. You weren't even out here to know what happened." She growled back.

"If he thinks our partnership is inappropriate now it's a good thing he never knew about all the other shit." He said sarcastically in a joking manner. Little did he know Erin would find it the furthest thing from funny.

She whirled her head around the side of the seat to look at him.

"All the other shit." She spat back raising her eyebrows.

That response mixed with the facial expression he immediately knew before she even continued that he had messed up. He was trying to make light of the situation by making a joke. They had agreed to be friends, and friends make jokes. But obviously it was too soon for her.

She continued "Are you referring to when you got me pregnant and then left me Jay? Is that what you meant by all the other shit?"

"Erin I was just trying to lighten the mood. I was making a joke."

"Oh okay a joke. How about the time you knocked me up and I lost our baby? How about that 'Shit" She said placing it in air quotes. "That's a real funny one. And the time you left in the middle of night. I don't know about you but I found that absolutely fucking hysterical. Oh yeah and when you came back and told me you loved me. That was part of the joke too right? Damn Jay why are you a cop? You obviously missed your calling as a comedian because you are a hilarious son of a bitch."

She turned back around feeling the tears start to burn in her eyes. She couldn't believe Jay had just summed up some of the most emotionally challenging months of her life as "all the other shit." She grabbed the door handle and jumped out of the car. When her feet hit the sidewalk she took off running.

At that very moment Voight had been walking to the drivers side of the vehicle to head back to the station.

"What the hell are you doing Lindsay?" He yelled after her.

She didn't stop. She had no idea where she was going but she needed to be as far away from Jay Halstead as she possibly could right now. Not even an hour ago she was seriously considering telling him how she felt about him. She just ran into the line of fire to protect him, and now she felt like an idiot.

Jay knew he should have gone after her or said something to stop her before she even got out of the car, but he was too stunned. He wasn't expecting her to go off like that. What he said might have been insensitive but he never meant for her to take it that way.


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks for all the reviews guys I love reading them. Also a moment between Erin and Voight is coming. I've gotten a few requests for that and I promise it's in the works. Any suggestions for other things you'd like to see are welcome and thanks for reading.**

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She kept running. The cool Chicago air burning her lungs and her knees were sore from the intensity with which her feet were pounding the concrete. The physical pain was good. It was a distraction from everything she wanted to avoid thinking about. About forty-five minutes passed by when she knew her body couldn't take it anymore. She slowed down catching her breath, and noticed she was near the water. She watched as the tide of Lake Michigan rolled in and out. She walked closer towards the lake until she was on the beach. There she sat down and removed her bulletproof vest, her boots and socks. It was spring and a chilly spring day at that. She was sure that the water would be freezing cold but she didn't care. She walked in to about her ankle and didn't flinch a bit with the water hit her. She closed her eyes and took in long deep breaths attempting to calm herself and will away anymore tears.

Voight got into the car. "What is she doing Halstead?"

He didn't answer. Honestly he had no idea what she was doing or where she was going.

So Voight asked another question "well what did she say before taking off?"

"Everything." Was all he said.

"Everything" Voight huffed under his breath. What the hell was that supposed to mean.

When they got back to the station it was late so Voight sent everyone home. Jay decided to sit outside on the precinct steps and wait for her. She'd have to go there eventually and get her car. The sun was starting to go down and Erin knew better then to walk the streets of Chicago alone at night. The only problem was Erin didn't always do what she was supposed to. Especially when she was upset.

She knew if she didn't get out of the water soon she would become hypothermic. She also knew standing there pretending all her problems would disappear was stupid but she wanted to believe it.

She's a firm believer that everything said has some truth to it. Jay must have meant what he said at least a little bit. Under that logic being with her and everything that had happened was meaningless to him. It hurt worse and worse every time she thought it.

The sun was just about down and Jay was starting to panic. "Damn it Erin where are you" he wondered allowed. He saw a young patrol man fresh from the academy in the parking lot, and ran over to him.

"Hey you on duty tonight?"

"Yes" the young officer answered.

"I'm detective Jay Halstead from intelligence" then he pointed at Erin's car. "I need you to do me a favor. Can you keep an eye on that car. If a woman comes and drives away in it call me immediately." He wrote down his number quickly and handed it to him. "Think you can do that?"

The officer nodded "yes detective I'll call immediately."

"Thank you." Jay said before running to his car to search for her.

He drove back to where she had originally ran off. It was a bad part of town and he hoped and prayed she was alright and had ran far enough away that she wasn't roaming the streets in this area at this time of night. He kept driving in the direction he had watched her run. Eventually the road ended when it hit the water. He had to go either left or right along the lake but he could only guess what direction she had went. He sat for a few seconds of deliberation and then he turned left.

The sky was still dark blue and not quiet black. He could see a little bit but he needed to spot her before it got too dark. He kept trying her cell phone, but was never surprised when she didn't pick up.

He wasn't sure if it was by luck, or chance, or fate, but he turned his head towards the beach for one split second and saw the figure of a woman. He parked quickly and ran down towards the water. The closer he got the more certain he was that it was her. When he was one hundred percent sure he slowed down and walked to stand beside her. Being care not to startle her and thinking about what he might say when he got there.

He stood right beside her and she knew he was there, yet refused to peel her gaze away from the bright full moon.

"How long have you been standing here?" He asked noticing that the water had soaked through her jeans all the way to mid calf.

"I don't know." Was all she responded quietly without even looking his way.

"Can we talk Erin?"

"There's nothing to say."

"Ok well can we at least get out of the water. You're going to get sick."

She turned around and walked over to where her shoes and vest were and sat beside them with her knees bent resting her hands on them.

He joined her. They stayed that way for a minute, both silently staring up at the moon. Her voice finally shattered the silence.

"I had never really thought about it you know? I was busy with my career and I hadn't been in a serious relationship in years, so a family and settling down was never something that really crossed my mind. And then you came along. And I thought about it for a second. But then you left. When you came back I found out I was pregnant and for a split second I was going to be a mom but just like you the baby left me. And now no matter how hard I try to not think about it I can't help it. Every time I see you I think about how I almost had a real family Jay. A little family that was my own. And I hate that I still want you Jay. I hate it so much. I hate that I still think about what it would have been like to have a family with you all the time. I know that losing a baby like that would have hurt no matter what, but I think it hurt a million times worse because it was your baby Jay. How pathetic is that?" The both stared at the sky the whole time she spoke but when she asked that last question Jay looked over at her.

"It's not pathetic." She met his glance. "Any other girl in the world I would have felt bad because of the circumstances, but more so I would have been relieved. But because it was you it was devastating Erin. Would it have been the best timing in the world? No, but I would have been happy. I would have gone out and bought all the parenting books, I would have annoyed Antonio constantly asking him advice and questions, I would have spent hours trying figure out the Swedish instructions for the Ikea crib, and I would have been more then happy to do it because it was your baby Erin. Our baby. Of coarse I would have been scared, and I probably would have pissed my pants when we told Voight, but if you believe nothing else that ever comes out of my mouth believe me when I say I would have loved our baby and been there to take care of you and our baby because I love you Erin."


	12. Chapter 12

She kept his glance soaking in everything he had just said. Then she turned back to look back out over the water. She wasn't sure what to say now. There were no words to describe how she was feeling. Everything he had just said was so perfect. And was exactly what she had wanted to hear for so long, but where were they supposed to go from there? There wasn't a baby anymore so everything he had just said was hypothetical.

He stared at her waiting for a response. He had just ripped his heart out and set in in the sand in front of her and all he got back was silence. He wasn't sure what he had expected to happen but this wasn't it. Silence was not it.

"Can you take me home now?' She asked without looking over to him.

"Yeah come on." He reached out a hand to help her up.

She got in the passenger seat and didn't even complain once about not driving. The whole drive to her apartment was awkward. Neither one spoke. Erin was thinking about what everything meant now. Where do they go from here?

Jay was lost and confused about her reaction. Wondering what happens now?

When he pulled up outside her building she thanked him and opened the door starting to stand up. Jay needed answers before the night was over. He couldn't take the waiting anymore. It was now or never.

"Erin wait." He gabbed her forearm and she fell back into her seat turning to look at him.

The second her face turned towards his he crashed his lips onto hers.

She hesitated at first, as she was surprised before she started kissing him back. At first it was slow and tentative. But when he felt her begin to kiss him back he brought his hands to the sides of her face kissing her more hungrily, desperately.

He reached for the keys to turn the engine off without daring to remove his lips from hers. She moved her body in as close to his as possible but the center council got in the way. She had almost forgotten how perfect it was to kiss him. It was almost as though her lips were meant to fit with his. She pulled back out of breath.

"Come up stairs?"

He didn't need to be asked twice. He nodded quickly and jumped out of the car in a hurry to get upstairs with her.

They practically ran to the elevator. When the doors opened he pressed the button to her floor and backed her up against the wall. They resumed their kiss feverishly, and impatiently. Her hands held the sides of his neck just below his ears, and his gripped her hips.

When the elevator doors open they went to her door. As she fumbled with her keys he hugged her around the waist from behind. Moving her hair out of the way he began kissing her neck. It was making it incredibly difficult for her to open the door. He had remembered the spot of her neck to kiss that turned her on. If his arms weren't around her holding her up she was sure she would have fallen to the ground. Her knees had gone weak and she was completely collapsed into his body still trying to turn the key in the lock.

When she finally got the door opened they walked inside without him letting go of her waist. He kicked the door closed behind them. He moved around to the front of her and re-met her lips with his, before moving down to kiss the parts of her chest exposed in her V-neck shirt.

She led him to her bedroom as quickly as she could. Shedding her clothes along the way. It'd been almost four months since they'd first been together and for a while neither of them was sure it would ever happen again. But they were both more then happy it was.


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey guys so sorry i haven't updated in a while. I've had finals and graduation and i was out of town for my birthday so I just couldn't get around to writing. But here is chapter 13. The next chapter is more Erin and Voight. Fell free to leave me any suggestion or recommendations on where i should take this story next. It always helps me to know what you guys want to read. Thanks again for being patient. **

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The alarm clock came too early. Erin smacked at it looking to turn it off, knocking around everything on her nightstand in the process. Eventually she was forced to open her eyes in order to find the off button. The sun peeped through the blinds and she noticed the bed sheet was draped over her naked body. A small grin tugged at her lips as memories of the night before flooded in. Her smile grew even bigger when she felt Jay placing soft kisses on her exposed shoulder.

"Good morning" he whispered in a sleepy morning mutter.

She rolled over on to her back looking up at him.

"Morning" she couldn't help but notice how sexy he was in her bed, in the morning. His hair messed up, bare chest exposed, and sleepy eyes peering down at her. It almost made her feel self conscious that he looked so good upon first waking up. She was sure her own hair was a mess and her face was always puffy in the morning.

As though he had read her mind and noticed she was feeling insecure he smiled and asked, "How is it possible to look so beautiful this early in the morning?"

"You're already naked in my bed Jay. You don't have to try and flatter me."

He laughed. "I'm serious Erin. You're gorgeous." He leaned in to kiss her and it only took a few seconds for her notice he intended on doing a whole lot more than kissing this morning. He moved so he was over top of her holding himself up with an arm on either side of her, and a knee between her legs. She knew if they went any further they'd be late for work, but she didn't have the will power to stop him.

Before gone any further than just agressivly kissing Jay pulled back for a second looking into her eyes. "I love you."

She grabbed his face in her hands and pulled him towards her into a kiss, but he stopped her. She opened her eyes looking at him shocked and confused.

"You didn't say it back." His eyes were wide as he peered down at her. Part of him hopped that she had meant to say that she loved him too and he had just interrupted the moment, but logically he knew that wasn't true.

"What are you talking about?"

"I said I love you and you didn't say it back." He rolled off of her. "I understood why you didn't say it back all of the other times I told you. I've had pretty much the worst timing ever every other time I've told you how I felt, but this time was different. After last night, our talk at the beach and here afterwards, I thought you'd say it back." He told her disappointment and frustration eminent in his voice.

"You're making to big a deal out of this Jay. Does it really change anything if I say it or not?"

"It is a big deal to me Erin! I need to know you're really in this. All in. I don't want just sex. I want it all with you. And I have to know that you aren't going to get scared and push me away."

She propped herself up on her elbows looking at him. "What happens if I cant say it right now? What does that mean?" she asked agitated but also sincerely. She needed to know the answer.

"I don't know." He responded with sadness and disappointment apparent in his eyes.

She stared at him not knowing what to do or say next. It's not that she didn't want to tell him, because she did in fact love him. But for some reason, she just couldn't say it. She was afraid. He had heart her so badly, more than she'd ever admit, when he left. She knew she couldn't keep holding it against him, and was almost positive he'd never leave her again like that, but it still hindered her from letting herself admit that she loved him. She wasn't afraid of most things, but the possibility of getting her heart broken terrified her.

"Maybe we should just go to work and talk about it later." She said finally breaking the silence.

"Yeah I guess so." and he got out of the bed.

They had to ride to work together since Erin's car was still at the station. When they got there Voight called Erin into his office.

She was nervous considering Voight was livid the last time she saw him.

"Have a seat" He directed her.

She decided to hurry up and apologize before he had a chance to scold her for yesterday. "You were right yesterday. I was reckless. It won't happen again. I'm sorry."

He nodded accepting her apology. "And running off like that, what was that all about?"

"Yeah I'm sorry about that too. I just really needed to clear my head and get some space. I'm fine now."

"Ok. good."

She stood up thinking the conversation was over but Voight stopped her.

"Erin one more thing."

She sat back down. 'Oh god please don't let this be anything about Jay.' She silently prayed. She didn't recognize the look on Voight's face either. This only mad her feel more on edge and anxious. She couldn't pinpoint the expression.

"I uh." He cleared his throat and started again. "Since Halstead's been back I've missed working with you every day kid. And now that Justin's not here to spend all my money on food, I figured you and I could grab dinner tonight. If you don't have plans."

Erin smiled. It was nervousness on his face. That's why she didn't recognize it. Voight had no problem talking to her as her boss. He could tell he what to do, completely in control without any problem, but talking to Erin as her father figure was another story. He wasn't her biological father, but he had basically raised her. He wanted to spend time with her and know what was happening in her life outside of work, but he also didn't want to over step. So he was nervous to see if she wanted to get dinner and catch up.

"It's a date. As long as you're paying." She laughed.

"You got it kid."

When she exited Voight's office she was relieved and happy about his offer. It would give her more time to think about what she'd say when her and Jay finally had that talk they had pushed back earlier.


	14. Chapter 14

**Thanks for coming back and reading/reviewing. Keep the suggestion coming they are really helpful. Also thank you to everyone that wished me a happy birthday. :)**

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Hank and Erin sat in a little Mexican restaurant they used to go to often when she still lived with him. When the waiter came to take their drink order they were ready to order food too. They had been to the same restaurant biweekly when she was younger so there was no need to even examine the menu. They were both creatures of habit, and would order the same thing every time. They munched on chips and salsa while waiting for their entrées.

"I never make it over here anymore. I'm glad you choose it." She said.

"I still come in every so often. Its not the same without everyone though." Voight told her referring to his late wife, Justin, and of coarse Erin.

She smiled to herself recalling old memories.

"So what have you been up to outside of work?" He questioned her. "You've had a pretty rough go of things the last few weeks. Between Halstead returning, you falling and being out of work for a few days, and then yesterday's events a lot has happened."

"Yeah I wont argue that it's been real chaotic on the job and off the job. Can I ask you a question though?"

She paused. "Never mind. Its stupid."

He stared at her. "Well now I have to know. So shoot."

She stared back at him regretting ever bringing up having a question for him. He kept his steel gaze locked with hers. There was no turning back or getting out of this one now.

She sighed. "Just promise me you won't pry to much after I ask?"

"Deal."

She hesitated for a second. 'Way to go Erin. Why did you have to go blurting that out?' She thought to herself. She really did want to hear Voights opinion on the situation, but she also didn't want him to figure out it was Halstead she was referring to.

"So have you ever told someone that you loved them, and then have them not say it back?"

Voight stared at her for a second and then smiled almost laughing when he realized that she was being serious. That was the furthest thing he had ever expected to come out of her mouth. He was anticipation something about work or the stress of the job, not anything having to do with his love life. He couldn't help but laugh a little at the thought of Erin, this tough detective he'd mentored asking him, of all people, for relationship advice.

Erin rolled her eyes. "See never mind. I told you it was stupid."

He shook his head in an attempt to wipe the amused grin off of his face. "It's not stupid. I'll answer your question."

"Fine" She responded. She was completely embarrassed now wishing more then anything she could rewind back time.

"No, the answer is no. Not that I can recall anyway. But I do find it a little hard to believe that there is a sane man on this planet that wouldn't tell you he loved you back kid, if for no other reason besides fear. You're on of the best dam shots I've ever seen."

She laughed. "I am an excellent shot. Actually I'm the one that didn't say it back though."

He nodded. "That makes a hell of a lot more sense. It also makes it easier on me. Here's my advice: He's not good enough for you Erin. I don't know who the guy is, but he isn't good enough."

"Wow great advice. You are so helpful." She responded back sarcastically matching his joking tone.

He smiled, "I figured you wouldn't like that advice. It was worth a shot though. So, what is it you're trying to ask me here exactly?"

"I don't know. What I should do I guess."

"Alright well this is simple. If you don't feel the same way don't lie to try and protect his feelings. Be honest. If you don't love him he needs to know that." She nodded to show she was listening, and he continued.

"I think I know you well enough to assume that if you're asking for help that means you do actually feel the same way about this guy. I don't know if you're just too afraid, or too stubborn, or just too damn foolish to tell him. But take if from the most stubborn guy you'll ever know, I'd give anything to be able to say I love you to the woman I love just one last time."

The softer side of Hank Voight barely ever came out and Erin knew that when it did she was the only one who ever got to see it anymore. In this moment she appreciated it more than anything.

She shook her head in agreement with him. "You're right."

"Arn't I always?" He joked.

Then their waitress arrived with their food ending the conversation.

The rest of the meal they went back to small talk, mostly about work.

It was around nine o'clock when they left the restaurant. When Erin got in her car she knew it was time to talk to Jay. She needed him to know how she felt. She wasn't a coward so she couldn't let her fear hold her back anymore. With sweaty palms she gripped the wheel so tightly that her knuckles were white. Just because she was ready to tell him she loved him, didn't mean she wasn't so nervous she could vomit. As she approached his front door she took a final deep breath before raising her fist to knock.


	15. Chapter 15

She knocked twice and he didn't answer. She tried again. Still no answer, so she took out her phone to call him. After a few rings she pressed her ear to the door to see if she could hear the phone inside his apartment. She heard nothing. He wasn't home. She sighed. She needed to tell him how she felt tonight. She couldn't wait until tomorrow because she knew she might chicken out if she waited too long. She decided to text him and ask where he was. She waited outside his door for about ten minutes, and he had yet to text her back. She sent him one last message saying that she was going to Molly's and he should meet her there because she he was ready to talk.

She walked out to her car irritated. She wasn't mad he wasn't home. It was just annoying how bad their timing always was. She could also feel a head ach coming on, so she searched for the aspirin she always kept in the center council of he car, and took two.

She arrived at Molly and took the only seat available at the bar. It was a Friday night and Molly's was packed. She waited for Gabi Dawson to come take her drink order with her head in her hands waiting for the aspirin to kick in.

"Booze isn't good for a migraine you know." She heard a stranger tell her. She looked over to the man sitting next to her.

"I don't recall asking for your opinion." She spat back. She knew she was a little too short with him. She hadn't meant to be rude she just didn't feel well and was incredibly anxious to talk to Jay.

He smirked, "Sorry you're not a patient you don't need my medical advice." He then introduced himself. "I'm Doctor Ian Gentry. I'm a surgeon over at Mercy."

"Detective Erin Lindsay." She replied. If he was going to use the title Doctor she was sure as hell going to introduce herself as a detective.

He raised his brow surprised that the petite woman next to him was a detective. "So detective can I buy you a drink."

She smiled to herself. It was flattering having some young doctor hit on her at Molly's. He looked to be in his early thirties with dark hair, dark eyes, and olive complexion. She'd be lying if she didn't admit she was attracted to him. It didn't matter though she was in love with Jay, and was going to tell him tonight. She looked down at her phone quickly to make sure he hadn't texted her back before responding.

"I have a boyfriend. Kind of." She replied honestly. Jay wasn't exactly her boyfriend yet.

"I didn't ask about your relationship status detective. I asked if I could buy you a drink. So yes or no?"

"Well yes then."

"Good," and he flagged Gabi down to order their drinks.

They talked for a while at the bar. He told her that he had just moved from Portland for a job offer. He was really nice actually. She felt really comfortable talking with him. She noticed he was a bit flirty, but didn't pay too much attention to it. She'd been honest with him and told him Jay was coming to meet her, so she figured it was just his personality to be flirtatious. She'd look down at her phone sporadically waiting for a reply from Jay.

Jay arrived at Molly's to find Erin engrossed in conversation with some guy he'd never seen before. They were sitting close, and he couldn't help but feel a little jealous as he walked over. He knew he didn't have a right to be angry just yet. He didn't even know the guy, but the idea of another man coming onto Erin made his blood boil. He cleared his throat catching their attention when he made it to the bar.

"Hey." Erin greeted him with a smile. He eyes lighting up when she saw him. "Ian this is my…." She paused, "Jay. This is Jay."

"Doctor Ian Gentry. Nice to meet you Jay." Ian said extending his arm for a handshake.

Jay shook his hand firmly putting on his best fake smile. "It's Detective actually. Detective Jay Halstead." He clarified.

Erin had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. She knew she had done the same thing and clarified that she was a detective, but really didn't want to watch the two men have a pissing contest in the bar. Besides her head ach was becoming unbearable. She was ready to leave with Jay, but before she could stand up and say goodbye to Ian the room began to spin. She felt herself fall from the barstool as her vision went black.


	16. Chapter 16

**This chapter is longer than the last but, still a bit short. But I figured a shorter update is better than no update at all. Especially when I left it on a bit of a cliff hanger.**

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He'd been to busy showing Ian that he was some dominant alpha male to even notice something was wrong with Erin. He let the woman he loves collapse to the floor right next to him, and didn't even notice until he heard her hit the ground. Seeing her unconscious for the second time in the last month frightened him more than anything. Last time she had fainted ended up being one of the worst days of his entire life. He didn't know what could possibly be wrong this time, but knew that Erin was just starting to recover emotionally from the miscarriage; she couldn't handle anymore trauma.

Being that Ian was a doctor Jay swallowed his pride and let him ride in the ambulance with Erin. He wanted her to have the best care, and best odds. The whole drive to the hospital was a blur. He'd never thought he'd find himself praying for exhaustion or dehydration but that's all he kept hoping was wrong with her. He needed it to be something that could be cured with an IV of fluid and a few days of bed rest. He wasn't making the same mistake of not calling Voight either. The second he got to the hospital he called Voight immediately.

She woke up in the ambulance dazed and confused. Her head was feeling even worse than before. The bright lights and all of the noise from the paramedics were only making it worse. "Jay." She called out for him but the words barely made it out of her throat. She tried again. "Jay." This time it was louder and more clear.

Ian grabbed her hand. "Hey Detective it's me Ian. We met at the bar just a little while ago remember? You collapsed and are now in the back of the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Jay is going to meet us there alright?"

She didn't respond. She didn't remember collapsing. She remembered Jay showing up and that was it. After that it was all blank.

When Jay got to the hospital they had already rushed her back for a CT scan. Jay never thought that he'd be so appreciative of another man being interested in Erin, but Ian had made sure she was a top priority patient and for that he was thankful.

The wait was agonizing for him. Voight had arrived in record time. And in typical Voight fashion, he was fuming.

"Why the hell does she keep ending up in the hospital when she's around you Halstead!" he yelled while walking through the entryway of the ER waiting room. "She never gets hurt or even the common cold. Ever. Then you get back and all of a sudden she's a mess fainting all over the place." Jay knew it would be absolutely useless to try and argue back. Voight always tried to pick a fight when he was angry and there was no winning against Hank Voight. Erin was just like him in that way. Jay knew he could never win a fight against her either.

After what seemed like an eternity Ian came to give them an update. "She has what's called a cerebral edema."

Jay cut him off. "What does that even mean. Cerebral as in brain? Something's wrong with her brain?" He was frantic.

"Essentially blood has pooled in her brain. She's hemorrhaging; that's what brought on the sudden head ach, and led to the fainting. The doctor is going to go in and alleviate some of the swelling. We are prepping her for surgery right now. Mercy has one of the best neurosurgeons in the country."

Jay was in shock. They were going to cut open her head and work on her brain. She had been fine just a few hours ago. This morning he had woken up with her and she seemed perfectly normal. This couldn't be happening.

"How does this happen? How does the brain just start bleeding?" Voight questioned Ian.

"There are a lot of different ways this can happen but looking at her file its safe to assume that this is a result of the fall she took just a few weeks ago. It would have been to early to detect when she came in but she's most likely been bleeding since then."

Ian looked to Jay "We want to begin the procedure as soon as possible for optimum results. So this is against protocol but as a friend, yes I'm considering myself to be a friend now, is there anything her doctor should know about her health since the fall? Anything out of the ordinary occurred."

Jay nodded and eventually croaked out a "Yes. I mean the chart you have might say this, but the day after she fell she came back for a D&amp;C procedure."

Voights head snapped towards Jay. "D and what? What the hell are you talking about Halstead? I was never told about any procedure"

Jay and Ian both ignored Voight's questioning. "Yes it does say that, and I assume that was a result of the fall also?"

Jay nodded.

"I can take you to go see her while they prep her for surgery."

Jay followed Ian, and Hank followed in tow knowing he'd get his questions answered eventually.

When he breached to door of the hospital room nurses were preparing to take her to the operating room. He immediately noticed that she was fully awake. Next he noticed the defeated expression on her face and the tears welling up in her eyes. He felt tears burning in his own. He didn't care that Voight was right behind him. He needed to go to her, to touch her, to kiss her. So he hurried to her bedside grabbed her face gently in his hands and kissed her.


	17. Chapter 17

**I struggled with writing this chapter. I'm still not all that happy with it, but I'm excited for where the next few chapters are going. **

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To say Voight was shocked would be an understatement. He knew he should have seen it coming, but he was not expecting Jay to just kiss her right in front of him. He'd never been good at controlling his emotions, but he also knew it wasn't the time to cause a scene. Instead of yelling and getting angry he slowly exited the room and decided to watch through the window.

Jay took a seat on the edge of the bed after the kiss.

"Hey I'm sorry about this morning. If you're not ready, then you're not ready, and that's okay."

"But I do love you Jay. I love you so much. This morning I was just scared, but hat's why I texted you to meet me at Molly's. I wanted to tell you tonight, but when I went to your apartment you weren't home." She paused "I don't know what's going to happen, but just incase I need you to know that I do love you."

"You're gonna be fine Erin. Your going to get this surgery, and we are going to have sixty some odd years to be in love okay? We're going to be together, and we're going to be happy, and we're going to have that that little family like you talked about at the beach. Our own little family."

Tears were streaming down her cheeks slowly but she was simultaneously smiling. She was smiling to reassure Jay that she was going to be fine. "Just promise me you'll be happy okay Regardless of what happens I need you to promise me that you'll find a way to be happy."

"I promise, but you're gonna see it for yourself. You're going to be the main reason I'm happy. Now you make me a promise. After this is over we're going to move in together. I wanna wake up next to you every morning. We already wasted too much time, so promise me you'll go in there get your surgery, kick ass in recovery, and then move in with me."

"Ok. I promise."

The nurse spoke "We're ready. We have to take you now."

Jay kissed her one last time before she left for surgery.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

As the nurses wheeled her into the hallway she passed Voight and noticed, for the first time, that he had been standing there. He gave her a small reassuring smile. "You're gonna be okay kid." She only had time to smile back in response.

When Lindsay was out of sight he turned back towards the window looking into the room shed just been taken from. There he saw Halstead knelt down. He was standing on the balls of his feet, elbows rested on his knees, and his head in his hands. He wasn't crying he was just trying to breath. Sheer panic had engulfed him the second they'd taken Erin away, and it was as though his lungs were being constricted.

'What if's' spun around in his mind like a tornado wreaking havoc. 'What if something goes wrong? What if there's a complication and she's never herself again? Like can't talk, can't walk complication. Even worse what if she doesn't make it?' And as these petrifying questions rampaged his mind he couldn't help but feel guilt and regret. They had just found their way to one another. They hadn't even gotten to give their relationship a real shot yet, and he blamed himself for this. He chose to leave her. He ran away for 84 days. 84 days that they could have spent together if he had stayed.

Looking at Jay keeled over Voight almost felt bad for him. He of course was still angry that they had disobeyed him, and he still hated in house relationships, yet he felt sympathetic. He also knew now wasn't the time to argue with Halstead. Voight walked into the room and stood in front of Jay with his arm crossed over his chest.

"Get up."

Jay didn't respond right away he was zoned out in his own thoughts, so Voight spoke again.

"I said get up."

This time he heard him. Jay looked up at Voight a bit frightened as to what was about to happen.

"Now you're going to go walk to the waiting room, pull yourself together, and then you are going to tell me about that procedure you mentioned earlier. Come on lets go. "Jay listened right away standing up to walk with his boss. Looking at the sad, terrified man in beside him Hank couldn't help but come up with some words of encouragement. "She's tough Halstead. She's going to be fine. I doubt that for one second," He gave hime one quick pat on the back as he spoke.


	18. Chapter 18

**Reminder **_italics_** are flashbacks.**

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6 weeks later

She stared at the ceiling waiting for the alarm clock to go off. She couldn't sleep. She was too excited. It was her first day back to work. She had been able to return back to her apartment two weeks ago, and Jay had been staying there with her. He planned on moving all of his things in once everything had settled down. Her recovery process had been rather fast. Everyone was a bit shocked about how quickly she'd managed to get healthy. Her stubborn determination to get back to normal life had sped up her recovery. She'd gone back to the hospital with Jay the morning before and the doctors gave the official go ahead to return to work. Erin couldn't have been more pleased. Jay on the other hand, couldn't have been more worried. As hard as he tried to act like he was happy, it was obvious to her that he was nervous.

When the alarm finally sounded she turned it off after the first ring. Jay smiled and laughed little before he had even fully opened his eyes.

"Someone's excited to go back to work."

"So excited." She exclaimed rolling over so she was lying on top of his chest. He wrapped his arms around her waist, slipping them under the T-shirt of his that she was wearing, and rested them on the warm skin of her hips. "But I can't help but feel kinda bad." She continued.

"Hey, don't worry about it. Voight will come around."

"When have you ever known Voight to change his mind and admit he was wrong?"

"Hey I need to believe he will, so I need you to believe with me."

_"Voight you really have to talk to her. I can't say without her consent." He was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital a nervous wreck. Yes he was concerned about Erin's surgery, but in that particular moment he was more terrified of Voight and his questions. _

_"Halstead I didn't ask you to tell me. I told you to. You don't have a choice in the matter." _

_"Like I said, it's not my place to tell you. It was her body and her procedure." _

_"If you're not going to tell me I'll just look up the name. It's not that hard to find what in the hell a D&amp;C procedure is with the internet." Voight said pulling out his cell phone agitated. Now Jay knew he was screwed. He saw Hank types some words on his phone the. Watched him begin to read for a few moments. Voight looked back up at him. _

_"I'm transferring you out of intelligence immediately, and you should go ahead and take tomorrow off." And with that he got up and walked away down the hallway." _

"Do you want me to talk to him?" Erin asked, snapping Jay out of his memory.

"God no. I can handle it myself. Just make sure he sees that you're doing ok; that I didn't break you or something. Voight the Sargent isn't the one that fired me. It was the Voight that took you in when you were a teenager, and basically raised you. He's just being protective. Once he realizes that your fine I think he'll let me come back. I hope anyways. Until then narcotics isn't all that bad."

She gave his a half lopsided smile. "Ok" and leaned down to kiss him. Then rested her head on his chest snuggling into the crook of his neck

"So you sure you feel good and ready? I don't want you to rush your recovery just to get back to work. If you need more time everyone will understand."

She sighed dramatically. "I'm ready Jay. I was cleared yesterday and I feel better than ever. And if you ask me if I'm ready one more time I'm going to shoot you on the job, and then claim my brain injury made me do it."

He laughed "Alright, alright. White flag. I won't ask again."

"Good. I love you."

"I love you more." He told her.

"Oh god my boyfriends that dork that says corny lines like 'love you more.'"

"Hey, I like corny lines. They're fun. Besides your boyfriend is not a dork he's a badass."

"Oh is he?"

"Hell yeah. He's sexy too. I mean it's floating around town that he could be the hottest man in Chicago, but that's just a rumor."

She laughed and arched up to kiss him. "Oh really that's the word on the street?" She asked between kisses.

"Mhmm." He replied with a grin. Then looked to the clock. "If you don't go shower and get around now we are going to be late for your first day back."

"You should join me in the shower. We have time." She said raising an eyebrow.

"No, not right now."

She rolled off of him and got out of bed irritated and headed towards the bathroom. "Whatever Jay."

She was tired of Jay keeping her at an arms length. Following the surgery he'd been so careful with her. Too careful. She had to convince him once she was allowed home that he could even sleep in the same bed as her, because he was afraid he'd role over and hurt her somehow. She understood he was just afraid, but after six weeks she was sick of it, and just wanted him to treat her normally.

He decided to follow after her. "Come on Erin don't be like this."

She whipped around. "Are you kidding me Jay? You have been treating me like I'm some kind of fragile porcelain doll for the past month and a half. At first I understood. You were scared, and I was scared too. But Jay now I'm cleared to go back to work and you're still treating me like I'm frail and about to break at any moment."

"You scared the hell out of me Erin! I was so afraid you were going to die on that operating table but than you lived. So yeah I'm going to be extra careful with you now because I wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened to you and it was my fault."

"Today I'm going back to a job where people shoot at me, and I'm in close proximity with criminals that often attempt to kick my ass or kill me, yet the doctor still declared me healthy enough. So I'm pretty sure that makes me healthy enough to have sex with my boyfriend."

"Okay. You're right. I'm sorry. I just love you Erin and I don't want to hurt you. But if you say your better and the doctors say you're better then you must be better. So how about tonight we go to my apartment, because I need more clothes anyways, and I'll make you dinner and then we can celebrate your first day back?" He asked stepping closer to her resting his hands on her hips.

She mad a face to act as though she was contemplating his offer. Of course she was going to take it, but she wanted to make him wait a moment before getting an answer. "Can we celebrate all night long?"

He grinned "all night long."

"As many times as I want?"

"Yes as many times."

"Okay. I should get in the shower then."

He kissed her forehead "okay."

"You gotta get out of here first though. You see me all naked and wet you won't be able to resist and then you'll ruin our celebration plans." She teased.

Shaking his head and grinning he exited the bathroom.


	19. Chapter 19

"So how'd your first day back go?" Jay asked from his kitchen. Erin watched him bent at the waist, staring into his fridge, searching for ingredients.

"Fine. I missed you being there. I can tell the guys miss you too. And no surprise Voight barely let me do anything, but other than that it was good."

"Good." He responded even though he wasn't really listening to a word she just said. He'd realized his dinner plan wasn't well thought out. He had been staying with Erin for two weeks now, so his fridge was nearly empty. He stood up closing the door to the fridge and headed towards a stack of takeout menus he kept on his kitchen counter.

"So how about we order Chinese instead?" He called out while rummaging through the stack of papers.

"Jay." She said his name softly.

He kept on searching through the menus until he came across the right one. "General tso's or orange chicken?"

"Jay." She called again a little bit more assertive. He turned around this time.

She was standing in the open area of his one room apartment. "I'm not really hungry."

"Oh." He responded a little confused and slightly disappointed because he was extremely hungry. He studied her face for a second and realized what she was suggesting, "Ohhh," he slid the menu back onto the counter top and with a grin walked towards her.

"I'm not hungry for food anyway, but maybe we could work up an appetite?" She said cheekily.

"Who's the dork that says corny lines now?" He teased.

"Still you" she laughed just as their lips met.

From there they moved rapidly, hungrily, almost desperately. Clumsily they eventually found their way to the bed. Jay was busy burning kisses onto the exposed skin of her collarbone when a knock on the front door sounded through the apartment.

"Ignore it. They'll go away." He spoke with his lips still brushing against her skin.

Unfortunately for them, just seconds later a second knock came. "Jay I know you're in there. I saw your car outside. Now open the door!" A woman's voice echoed through the door.

They both froze. Still holding his body above Erin's, Jay's head snapped to look towards the door.

"Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit." He spoke under his breath starting to get up. "I'll be right back I promise." He told her with a reassuring look. They hadn't gotten to taking off his jeans, but his shirt was long gone. He hurried to the door without bothering to find it.

Opening the door just a crack confirmed who he thought the voice came from, so he opened it just widely enough to slide himself out into the hallway.

Back inside the apartment Erin let out a groan that turned more into a pout. Of all times for someone to knock on the door it had to be then of course. This just further solidified the fact that she and Jay had the worst timing ever.

"Hi." He furrowed his brow confused. "What are you doing here? In Chicago I mean. Well I guess I mean at my apartment too, but mostly what are you doing in Chicago?" Jay questioned the woman in front of him.

"I uh… My plane just landed from Phoenix and I came straight here because well..." She looked down and Jay followed her glance. For the first time he noticed her large, protruding, very pregnant stomach.

He took a step back hitting his back against his closed front door. "Wow…..Congratulations." It came out as more of a question then a celebratory acknowledgment. "Wait. Why are you here to see me then?"

"Jay I'm six months along. Six months ago was when I came back for Christmas, and we...well you know. It's your baby Jay."

His eyes grew larger and no words came to mind, so she spoke again.

"I'm sorry to just show up like this. I know I should have told you sooner but…" Just then the door opened behind Jay and Erin popped her head out. She had thrown Jays shirt on over her bra and underwear because it was faster then getting redressed and she was growing impatient.

Erin's immediately noticed the panicked look in Jay's eyes and the complete loss of color of his face. Confused she looked to the woman he was standing with. Finally her gaze met the woman's bulging stomach. She quickly looked back to Jay hoping for some reassurance that this wasn't what she thought it was. Unfortunately for her Jay couldn't soothe her because it was exactly what she though it was.

"I um. Sorry for interrupting. Uh. I'm gonna go back inside now." She said reentering the apartment.

"Erin wait." But it was too late she had already closed the door. Which was probably a good thing because he had no idea what he would have said to her.

"Ally I.. I can't do this right now." He brought his hands to his face rubbing his temples. "Six months really? You waited this long to tell me. No. No. No. This can not be happening right now. What am I going to do? What about Erin? Oh my god Erin."

Ally could tell that he wasn't even talking to her anymore. He was just rambling so she cut him off. "You know how to find me when you're ready to talk. I'm sorry to just spring it on you like this." And with that she turned around and disappeared down the hall.

Jay took a moment in the hall to catch his breath before going back inside to talk to Erin.


	20. Chapter 20

Raw emotion, anger, hurt, and disappointment seared through her veins. She found herself at the only place she knew where she could _legally _take out some of her aggression. Alcohol would not of been enough to dull the pain from wounds she now bared. The smell of the gunpowder, the harsh kickback of the glock, and the satisfaction of bullets whizzing directly through the target was the only thing that could possibly calm her down, so naturally she she'd been at the shooting range for a good two and a half hours.

She couldn't go home. Her apartment was full of his things. She knew she'd eventually need to go back ther, but she wanted to wait until she was so tired that she'd pass out the second her head hit the pillow. She didn't want to lay in bed staring at ever thing that reminded her of him, and wish he was lying there next to her.

Since she couldn't actually physically harm everyone that was responsible for causing her life to fall apart she decided to do it figuratively. Dedicating every perfect round of bullets shot to someone involved. The first round of bullets to cut through the target was in honor of Jay and his stupidity. How the hell did he get two different girls pregnant within a three-month span? The second set was for Ally. She waited six months to tell Jay about her pregnancy, and had she told him earlier there probably never would have been a relationship between him and Erin. The third bullet was for her. How could she have let herself fall so hard so quickly? The last bullet was intended for fate, or god, or karma or whatever greater power that was responsible for making her life such a mess lately.

When she was out of bullets and out of cash to buy more she decided it was time to head home. She was tired enough to fall asleep anyways. Unfortunately for her being back in the apartment they had shared, though only for a short time, woke her back up completely. Lying in bed all she could think about was the events that had taken place just hours earlier.

_When Jay walked back into the apartment Erin was at the foot of the bed getting back into her jeans. She had already discarded of his T-shirt she was previously wearing. He started to make his way towards her._

"_I don't really know what to say." He spoke softly and quietly. _

_Fastening the button of the denim she looked over to him. "Say that wasn't what I think it is. Say that I'm just jumping to conclusions and that girl wasn't here to tell you she is very pregnant with your child. Say something that will make me feel better, and then come over here throw me back onto your bed."_

_He looked down at the floor before looking back into her desperate pleading eyes, even though she already knew he responded, "I can't."_

"_Yeah. I know." Her tone wasn't angry. It was honest and sad. She scanned the room looking for her shirt eventually spotting it hanging over the back of the sofa. _

"_Can we at least talk about this Erin?" He inquired watching her hurry across the room and slide a dark purple short sleeve shirt over her head._

"_I don't really know what to say either Jay." She looked down and toyed with the bottom hem of her shirt for a moment. "How far along is she?"_

_He sighed. "Six months."_

_Lips pursed together she nodded. "That makes me feel a little bit better I guess. At least it was before anything had happened with us. Before you disappeared." _

"_Of course it was Erin. I haven't been with anyone but you since then. Come on you know that." He placed his hand on her cheek, but she pushed it away. "This doesn't change how I feel about you; how I feel about us. Erin I love you."_

"_It doesn't matter how much you love me, or how much I love you. That's not the issue here Jay….I just don't think I'm strong enough to handle this. I can't watch you raise another woman's baby. Not after… After I lost our baby." She wasn't yelling because she wasn't angry. She didn't really have any right to be angry considering Ally had gotten pregnant two months before anything had happened between herself and Jay. She wasn't sure exactly what emotion she was feeling. Disappointment was the closest thing she could relate it to. Disappointed about the fact that someone else was carrying Jay's child. Someone else was going to have the family that she almost had and recently realized she wanted. _

_Sniffling while attempting to hold back tears her voice cracked as she told him "I love you and I'm sorry, but I can't do this." Then she grabbed her keys off of the counter and left the apartment leaving Jay frozen in place._


	21. Chapter 21

**Your reviews are like my favorite things to read ever, so I appreciated everyone that leaves them, especially those of you that review every chapter. There isn't really any Lindstead interaction in this one, but it's setting the frame work for whats to come next. Enjoy. :)**

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"Give Halstead his job back." Erin stood across the desk from Voight, who was setting in his office.

"Excuse me?" He asked a bit taken aback by Lindsay walking in a demanding Jay's job back.

"He worked to be in this unit, and we both know he belongs here. He deserves it."

"I won't support in house romance. You two deliberately went behind my back and disobeyed me and that has consequences. I'm sorry you don't like them, but you two made your own damn bed now lay in it. Your boyfriend is not coming back to my unit."

She visibly cringed at the word boyfriend. Voight barely noticed though. "There wouldn't be any romance. You can count on that."

"And why's that?" He questioned almost mockingly.

"Well mostly because he's about to have a baby with another girl in three months." She told him with an expression that told Voight she was one hundred percent serious. Perplexedness overcame his face.

"He's what?"

"You heard me."

He stood up from his seat. "That son of a bitch. What the hell are you doing in here fighting for his job then?"

She gave a halfhearted smirk and a shoulder shrug. "Like I said, he earned his spot here, and he's good at his job. You insisted we be professional, so that's what I'm doing. As much as I don't want to see he for personal reasons, professionally I want him here. He's part of the team."

Voight felt a mixture of emotions staring back at the young detective. Part of him felt proud that she was taking her job so seriously and separating emotions from work. He also felt bad for her. He knew she had really cared about Jay and had to be devastated right now, even though she would never tell him that. The majority of him just wanted to break his own rules about acting professional, march to the narcotics offices, and kick Halstead's ass. He did his best to treat Erin like he treated all the other detectives working under him, but she wasn't just another cop, she was the closest thing he had to family with Justin gone. She was his daughter.

"What makes you think telling me all this would make me want to hire him back? If the mans not smart enough to use some damn protection, why should I allow him back in my unit?"

This got a small smile and laugh from Erin. "Now Hank are you breaking your cardinal rule of keeping personal issues out of the work place? Practice what you preach boss." She teased him.

He glared at her. "Even if I did consider it, there is no way he is working with you. You'd be partnered with Antonio."

She smiled knowing she had won. "Fine by me."

The rest of the unit was out on a case that afternoon when Hank called Jay and asked to meet in his office. Jay complied and was there in minutes.

"So," Voight began, "It's been a few weeks Halstead. I've heard a lot has changed since you left my unit."

"With all due respect sir, I wouldn't exactly say I left. More like I was kicked out of the unit."

"Fair." Voight answered with a shrug. "Are you starting to feel at home in narcotics?"

"I am doing well in narcotics, but it's no intelligence. This unit was my home Voight. It still is my home, and I belong here. I want to come back. I deserve to…."

Voight cut him off. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah Okay, you can come back. You start Monday."

Jay looked around. "Is this some kind of joke? Are you being serious right now, because I mean it. I need to be back in this unit."

"I said okay Halstead. Learn to shut up while you're ahead. I have conditions though."

"Anything. Name it."

"Leave her alone. You've hurt her enough already. I'll probably never understand why she came to me asking for your job back this morning, after all you're putting her through right now, but she did. She had a convincing argument, and that's the only reason I'm allowing you back. Personally I'd like to wring your neck, but keep it professional right? So here's what's going to happen, Monday you'll come back. She'll be partnered up with Antonio from now on, which means you and I will be working together a lot." He said with a devious smile evoking fear in Jay. "If it's not work related I don't want you to talk to her. Don't even look at her, and I mean it. Deal?"

Jay hesitated for a moment. He wanted his job back. He needed it, but he also wanted Erin. "Deal." He agreed after deciding that there was a great chance that Erin would never take him back anyways, he might as well choose the career he loves.


	22. Chapter 22

**I'll apologize in advance for breaking any hearts with this chapter. Keep the faith though. I mean after all I am a Linstead fan. ;)**

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As Jay was leaving the precinct for the night Antonio and Erin were just returning. He saw her in the parking lot and called out "Hey Erin can we talk for a sec?"

Antonio looked to her to and she nodded at him telling him she was fine, and he could go ahead and go inside. As Antonio walked away Jay approached.

"I need to thank you. Voight just hired me back, and I know it's because of you. You didn't have to do that, and I don't even know if I deserve it. I cant thank you enough."

"Now just don't screw it up." She joked.

"Yeah really" he agreed. He paused for a second of awkward silence. "Voight doesn't really want me to be talking to you, but I just… I don't know I feel like there's more to say. The way we left everything was…"

She cut him off. "What is there really to say Jay? What do you need to know? Do you need to hear that I'm not mad? I'm not. I can't be mad because it happened before me, but that doesn't mean I wanna talk to you. If it doesn't have to do with work I don't want to talk, or be around you, or even see you, because it just hurts to badly ok? It physically hurts."

"I know. I'm sorry…" she cut him off "But you don't know. That's the thing. You get something amazing out of all this. I'm going to be all alone, and you're going to be a dad, and that's something you want. So no, Jay you don't 'know"

"Except I don't! I don't want this! I wanted to be a parent when I thought I was going to get to do it with you. I wanted you Erin. I wanted us to be a family, and I still do. I'm going to be there for my son, oh yeah it's a boy by the way, but not a single second has gone by that I didn't wish you were going to be his mom."

"Stop. You can't do this. You can't just say shit like that to me. She's about to have the life I thought was mine up until 14 hours ago. And nothing can change that."

"I love you, and I know it's not fair of me to tell you that right now. But I guess I'm selfish then, because I need to say it. I need you to know that I love you. I love you all the damn time, and it's frustrating and infuriating. I want to be a good dad Erin, but the hell am I supposed to not resent a kid that made me lose you?"

"No. You don't get to put that kind of guilt on my shoulders." She was livid now poking him in the chest as she spoke. "This is all on you. It's your fucking fault we're in this mess, and Ally, the baby, and I are all just collateral of your stupid decision making. This is all you Jay." She was finally crying allowing all the emotion she had bottled up to come flooding out. After she was finished she walked away before Jay was able to respond. Like the night before when she left his apartment, Jay was once again frozen in silence.

The next day Erin and Antonio were on a stakeout and had been sitting mute for about five minutes when she decided to start the conversation. "It's a boy you know." Erin spoke while staring straight ahead out the windshield.

Antonio didn't need clarification on who she was talking about. He knew right away. "Yeah. I did know that." He answered her while still looking out the window at the house they were watching.

"Is it wrong if I hope it's ugly? I don't want anything serious to be wrong with him. I mean it's not his fault his dad doesn't know how to keep it in his pants, or at the very least do it safely, but I'm just saying I wouldn't mind if the kid came out looking like sloth from the Goonies."

Antonio blurted out the laugh he'd been attempting to suppress. In return Erin laughed too. Cackling to the pout of tears.

Finally after catching his breath Antonio asked "Sloth from the goonies really?"

Erin chuckled. "Yeah. Jay would be pissed. Our babies would have been adorable, and he knows that, so he'll be extra mad at himself if his and Ally's baby turns out ugly."

The smile faded from Antonio's face. "You guys were already talking about having kids?"

Seriousness was now also painted on Erin. "Yeah we did. All the time actually. Jay especially." She told Antonio while recalling a memory.

_Erin had been out of the hospital a few days and was taking a nap when Jay got home from work. He decided to join her and laid down wrapping his arm around he waist. This broke her slumber. _

"_How was work?" She asked with a yawn. _

"_Fine. I had some time to think actually."_

"_About what? Should I be scared?" She joked._

_He laughed. "No. I don't think so anyways."_

"_Ok then spit it out. What have you been thinking about Halstead?"_

"_December 2015."_

_She thought about it for a second concluding that nothing specific stood out about that date. "What is December 2015?"_

"_That's when we'll get pregnant. If you go off birth control the end of November, around thanksgiving, we can hopefully get you pregnant in December, and that will make you due in September of 2016."_

_She gave him a look. "This is what you do all day in narcotics? You're weird you know that?"_

"_Just think about it. It's perfect. I know that you're itching to get back to work, and don't want to take more time off any time soon. This way you'll be back for like seventeen months before we even start trying. And come on it's us, so obviously we're going to knock it out of the park first try. Then you'll do deskwork while being the most adorable human incubator ever. Our perfect daughter, or son, but I'm convinced our first baby will be a girl, will be born sometime around September. Then you can return to the field after Christmas. It's a perfect plan really."_

_She laughed. "You were being serious? You actually thought about this all day. You really are crazier than I thought."_

_He was staring at her with the largest grin plastered on his face. "So it's a plan right? December 2015?"_

"_Deal. December 2015." She responded sealing their deal with a kiss. _


	23. Chapter 23

**Sorry I took so long. I had different chapter planned to go before this one but I just couldn't get it to sound right so I ended up skipping it.**

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Three weeks had passed since Ally had showed up in Chicago and changed both Jay and Erin's lives.

After their talk outside of the precinct Jay realized he needed to leave Erin alone for a while unless it was work related, so that's what he did. It wasn't easy. He often found himself driving towards her apartment after work, only to realize half way there that he no longer lived with her. This happened on multiple different occasions especially when he'd had a particularly tiring day. Whenever something exciting happened when he was out in the field without her he'd have moments when he'd get so excited to tell her about it, just to remember he couldn't. He'd even once texted her that he'd pick up dinner and bring it home after shift before quickly remembering, and having to following it up with a text that simply read "disregard that last text. Sorry." She had been his partner, then his best friend, then woman he loved and wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Now they were just coworkers that awkwardly shared same working quarters and took occasional lingering looks when they thought the other wouldn't notice.

Erin was doing her best to find ways to cope and get over Jay. Not that it was easy with him working at the desk right across from her. The gun range had been extremely therapeutic at first. Then, after about a week it just wasn't working anymore, so she spent extra hours at the gym. That only lasted a few days though after she kept making herself so sore she could barely walk let alone do her job properly. Now she wasn't channeling her feelings into anything particularly constructive. She was just letting everything happen. She'd come home after work. Some nights so exhausted that she's immediately pass out until morning. Other nights she'd drink. Some nights she would eat way two much take out. Whatever helped her ignore missing him she tried really.

Jay and Ally had been spending a lot if time together preparing for the baby's arrival. He could sense that she wanted a relationship. She wanted for Jay, herself, and their future son to be a real family, but every time she dropped any hints about it Jay would quickly change the subject. He cared about Ally. She was his first love and was now about to be the mother of his child, but he knew he'd never be in love with her again. Maybe his son did deserve for him to give it a real shot with her, but he just couldn't get himself to do it.

It was a Friday evening and Ally and Jay had plans to go register for the baby shower her mom was throwing her. It had been a long day at work for Jay, and he was tired and visibly uninterested at the store the whole time. Ally pretended not to notice but was frustrated by it. He had acted like this on multiple occasions when they were out planning things for the baby. The worst part was that he seemed to not even notice how he was behaving himself.

Afterwards they went back to his apartment to have dinner. Ally finally couldn't take it anymore. "Are you that miserable Jay?" She yelled the second he shut the door behind him entering the apartment.

"What are you talking about?" He asked taken aback by her sudden outburst of rage.

"Does spending time with me preparing for your unborn child really make you so damn depressed that you can't even act as though you give two shits about either of us?" She yelled reiterating her previous question.

"No. It's not that Ally."

"Then what is it Jay because this is bullshit. If you don't want anything to do with me or the baby I can just go back to phoenix." She told him knowing full well that Jay was to good of a guy to not want to be involved in his son's life.

"No don't. I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me. It's just a lot of getting used to right now. I know I'll be fine when he gets here though. I just need to meet our son and I know I'll feel batter. I'm going to be here for him; for both of you. You can count on that."

She looked down at the ground shaking her head left to right a few time as tears began to well up in her eyes.

"Come on Ally. Don't cry. I'm sorry. I really am. I'll make it up to you." He said firmly placing his hands on her large baby bump.

"I can't do this anymore." She spoke refusing to look up to meet his eyes.

"Can't do what?"

"I lied Jay." She finally looked back up to see his reaction.

His face contorted in confusion. "You what?"

"I lied. There's no way this is your baby. I wanted so badly for it to be but there's no way."

He removed his hands from her stomach taking a step back.

"You know that for sure?" He was too stunned to even yell.

"The day after we were together is when I went back to Phoenix, and I found out I was pregnant that same day. I wouldn't have known the next day if he were yours Jay. It's not possible." She paused giving his a moment to let his brain digest this information.

"You lied?... You lied?" He began yelling now. "You showed up at my doorstep all the way from fucking Arizona to trick me into raising a baby that's not even mine! Are you kidding me Ally?"

She was crying almost hysterically. "I'm so sorry Jay. I just wanted him to be your son so badly. I'm so sorry."

"No stop crying! You don't get to cry about this. How could you wait this long to tell me? You lied to me for weeks. You're disgusting! How can you live with yourself?"

"Just I..." He cut her off with a gasp.

"Erin. Oh god Erin. You knew I was in love with her. There's no way you didn't know that. I tried to hide my feeling for her out of respect for you but there's no way you didn't know." He ran a hand through his hair. "You let me lose her and saw how miserable I've been, and you still didn't say anything. You continued this lie Ally. You knew I loved her and you still didn't tell me the truth. I don't want anything to do with you ever again." He spoke coldly. "Get out of my apartment and go back to Phoenix. I'm done." He pointed to the door.

She hesitated for a second searching for any hopeful signs in his eyes, but when she didn't find any she turned around and left.

When the door clicked shut he knocked the bag of baby things they had just bought off his counter top. He paced the floor settling onto the couch with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He wondered how did this happen to him. He'd trusted Ally. He believed her with basically no questions asked, and now his life was in shambles.

When he finally steadied his breathing and began to calm down Erin popped up in his mind. He had to talk to her. Jumping up off the couch he grabbed his keys and took off down his apartment building steeps. When he reached his car he realized he had no idea what he'd say to her. He had no plan and didn't know if it would even change anything for her but he needed to know. He needed to know if there was a chance she still loved him and wanted to be with him regardless of everything that had happened.


	24. Chapter 24

**Hey guys this is going to be the finale chapter. Thanks for everyone that has read. Hope your satisfied with the end and warning this chapter could possibly be rated M. ;)**

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He pounded on her door more aggressively than he probably should have. He was just so impatient.

Erin jumped up off of her couch startled. She went and looked through the peephole of her door and upon seeing Jay she instantly felt perplexed. Opening the door she glared at him. "What are you doing here..."

She was immediately cut off when his hands grabbed the sides of her face and his lips crashed onto hers. The kiss was harsh and abrupt. At first she was taken aback and shocked. She knew she should stop him, push him off of her but instead she found herself kissing him back.

She let him walk her back into her apartment with their lips still matted together. He kicked the door shut behind them, and directed her until her back slammed into the wall. Her body was pinned between his and the wall.

When she needed to come up for air she also came back to her senses. Her hands found his chest and she shoved him away. After sucking in a breath of air she yelled, "What the hell are you doing?" Her lips were swollen and although she'd shoved his torso away from her, from the waist down he was still holding her against the wall.

"Erin I love you, and I've missed you so much, and.." He kissed her again. He wanted to continue his explanation to her, but he couldn't help himself.

She let him kiss her for a moment before remembering she needed answers. She pulled away.

"Jay stop we can't, and you still haven't answered me. What are you doing here?"

"Erin she lied!" He blurted out. He watched as confusion washed over her face. "Ally. She lied to me; about the baby. He isn't mine. She lied."

"What?" She didn't know what to feel let alone what to say in that moment. She still wanted Jay. That was obvious by the way she'd just fiercely made out with him. But did this really change anything? She wanted it to, but she's learned not to get her hopes up.

"Erin I love you, and I think you still love me too, and now there's nothing in our way. There's nothing keeping us from being together."

She was aware that this talk needed to happen but talking about her feelings wasn't exactly her specialty. And talking wasn't at the top of her list of things she wanted to do with Jay in that moment, so she kissed him again. This time she snaked her hands around his neck tangling her fingers into his short hair, until Jay applied pressure to her hips with his hands turning her so she was facing the wall. She pressed her hands against the wall for leverage as Jay began to kiss her neck. She could hear herself moan when he wrapped his arm around her waist using one hand to unbutton her jeans and slid his hand beneath them.

At this point her knees were going weak. She wanted him. It'd been way to long since they were last together. She found the strength to quickly turn her self around to face him. "Bedroom. Now." She panted, watching as a grin appeared on Jay's face. He helped her slide her jeans down the rest of the way until she could kick them off with her feet, as she did that he pulled his shirt off from the back. Once free of her jeans Erin jumped up wrapping her legs around his waist allowing him to carry her to her bedroom

They clumsily made their way, consistently bumping into the walls of the hallway. When they arrived at the foot of her bed most of their clothing had already been she'd. When he sat her down on the bed she immediately began toying with the button of his pants. When she got it undone he quickly kicked them off and began to crawl overtop of her. She lightly dragged his earlobe between her teeth before whispering in his ear. "I need you inside me. Right fucking now" Was what she told him in a breathy tone. Seconds later he obliged.

Wrapped in his arms later that night the room was quiet and peaceful. It was perfect. "I'm done running Jay. I'm here, and I hope you are too."

He kissed her temple. "Am I done running? Oh definitely."


	25. Chapter 25

**So I decided to write an epilogue (obviously) after getting a few requests for one. I enjoyed writing it more than I initially thought I would. So there is a possibility of a sequel if thats something you guys are interested in let me know. **

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**December 24, 2015**

Jay sat on the corner of the bed. His knee bounced rapidly the way it always did when he was simultaneously nervous and anxious, until he saw Erin walk into the room. He looked down at his watch.

"11:57"

She nodded quickly. "Ok so 3 minutes puts us at midnight exactly."

"Did you take all three if them?" He asked.

"Yeah" she responded slowly lowering herself down to sit on the bed next to him. "What time is it now?"

He checked his watch again. "Still 57. It hasn't even been a minute yet."

"Ugh" she sighed laying back on the bed with her hands on her forehead. "This is going to be the longest three minutes of my life. This is torture."

He lied back beside her grabbing her hand. He brought it to his mouth and kissed it directly above her ring. Seeing it brought him back to that day.

_It had only been three months ago, three months to the day exactly. It was a small ceremony. The invited just the unit and a few other close friends to their outdoor wedding in the park. He had never been more excited then he was standing under the gazebo with Antonio beside him as his best man. Impatiently he waited for Erin to join him. When he saw her begin to walk towards him he wasn't sure if his heart had just stopped beating all together, or if the beats were occurring so rapidly that they had blended into one. She was so gorgeous. She had chosen the simplest yet most elegant dress, and had her hair down cascading freely. He had trouble believing that after all they had been through in the last year that this moment was actually happening. Later Antonio had told him that although Voight would deny it, he most definitely had tears in his eyes as he walked Erin down the aisle. Jay wouldn't have noticed though. He was far too preoccupied staring at Erin. _

She snapped him out if his memory. "What if it's negative?"

"Don't say that. All three of them are going to be positive just you wait and see."

"Yeah Jay but what if they aren't? That's a possibility you know?"

"Then we'll just have more fun trying, but I really don't think that's the case Erin." He moved his hand to the side of her face, and kissed her tenderly before looking down at his watch. "59"

They both sat up quickly.

"One minute." She could barley breath now. Her chest was constricting and she was so eager and anxious at the same time.

"How do you want to do this? Do you want to look by yourself first, or do you wanna look at the same time?"

She grabbed his hand tightly. "We're looking at the same time."

He checked the time again and began to stand. "12 exactly. Are you ready?"

Following his lead she stood up. "I love you."

"I love you too." He agreed.

She took in one final deep breath. "Let's do this."

He let her lead him to the bathroom as she clenched his hand for dear life. She looked back over her shoulder at him before eyeing the tests. He couldn't wait though. He peered over her head to view the three white sticks. When she noticed he was looking she quickly turned her head to see for herself. She didn't want his expression to give anything away.

Next thing Jay knew he heard a squeal he'd never heard before coming from Erin. He lifted her in his arms and she placed a hand on either side of his face kissing him. After a second he sat her down only to kiss her again.

"All three of them!" She yelled out looking down at the pregnancy tests.

He hugged her tightly against him as she rested her head against his chest. She was unable to pry her eyes off of the three little sticks that had just given her the best news of her life. Jay was staring at them just as intently.

Erin could feel the tears of pure euphoria and joy begin to form in her eyes. This was really happening. After all they had been through together this was her life. Jay was her husband and they were about to have a baby together.

"We're pregnant Jay. We're going to be parents." She could barely believe the words as they left her mouth.

"Were gonna be parents." He quoted her as though it hadn't quite settled in yet. "I'm going to be a dad!" He finally called out in realization.

Erin laughed. "You're going to be a daddy, Jay." She removed her head from his chest so she could look up and see the expression on his face.

She had never seen him look so happy, and it melted her heart. "You're going to be a mommy, Erin." He said sweetly before kissing her forehead.

"Yeah." She nodded finally letting the few stray happy tears roll down her cheeks.

"See, I told you we'd knock it out of the park first try."

She laughed. "Yeah you did. Best Christmas ever."

He kissed her and nodded his head mumbling against her lips "best Christmas ever."


End file.

Chicago PD, Drama, Romance