G. I. Joe 1. Chapter 1

All G.I. Joe and Cobra characters are the property of Hasbro and their liscencees, of course …. Another humorous look at Cobra and G.I Joe, based off of a random thought or two which I had several months ago. This will probably be another short – two or three part – piece, although I do now have a longer, on-going story idea which I may get running at some point ….

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Several members of the brain trust of the ruthless organization formerly known as a terrorist organization known as Cobra were gathered in a meeting room deep in Cobra Headquarters, milling about.

"He calls this leadership meeting, and where is he?" Firefly asked.

"Indeed," Destro gruffly agreed, barely looking up from the Wall Street Journal.

"Well, at least Mindbender is at that dentists' conference in Death Valley," the Baroness piped in..

"Yeah," several Cobras seconded.

"Who holds a conference in Death Valley?" Zarana asked.

"Gor!" Ripper exclaimed. "That sounds blimin' cool to me!"

"Yar!" Torch agreed.

"Question answered," Zartan remarked.

"Hey, Destro," Copperhead said. "See the sports section when you're done? Gotta check the line on the four o'clock games," he noted to Wild Weasel, who grunted knowingly.

" 'The – '" Destro repeated incredulously. "This is the Wall Street Journal!"

"What?" Copperhead asked angrily, rising out of his chair. "You don't think I'm smart enough to read the Wall Street whoopty freaking Journal?"

"Rrrrg," Destro grumbled, returning to his reading.

A smacking "pop" sounded.

"Hey, where'd Firefly go?" Zartan asked. The camouflage-masked saboteur was nowhere to be seen.

"Gor!" Torch exclaimed.

"Blimey!" Ripper agreed.

"Oh no … you don't think he and Zandar got into another of their 'disappearing' contests, do you?" Zarana asked.

"Not necessarily," Destro replied, as another "pop" went off. "He may have just gone out for snack food. 'Never been seen entering or exiting a target site' bit, you know."

"Ammm … actually, it might be preferable if he and Zandar are playing 'hide and hide'," the Baroness observed.

Another "pop" sounded. Destro dropped his paper. "No, my dear Baroness, perhaps an explosive device WOULD be optimal – if it would stop that infernal 'popping'!"

Xamot and Tomax looked up. Tomax had popped gum on his face, while Xamot had a bubble still going.

"What?" Xamot managed to ask.

"It's Doublemint," Tomax said. "Double your pleasure …"

Pop! "Double your fun!" the now-bubble-free Xamot concluded with a defiant grin.

"I'll double the holes in your craniums –" Destro declared, rising from his chair while reaching for his pistol.

Suddenly, a deep voice out in the hall said … something. The only word everyone in the room clearly discerned was "babies".

"Huh!" the Baroness breathed. "Barry White!"

"No!" Zarana said, rising in her chair. "Really?"

"That would be …" Xamot began.

"…Exciting!" Tomax finished.

The gathered Cobras gazed expectantly at the door. Destro even lowered his newspaper.

The figure entering appeared to be … Cobra Commander. But … it certainly didn't sound like him.

"I SAID, 'Stop bickering like tiny babies!'" Cobra Commander said … in a low, rumbley voice.

"But … what?" Destro said, in one of his less-eloquent moments.

"Cobra … Commander?" the Baroness asked.

"Yes," the Commander replied, again in the same, new, voice.

"You sound … different," Zartan said.

"Yar!" Ripper agreed.

"Indeed!" the Cobra leader declared. "I decided to have voice-modification technology added to the equipment of my helmet. Adding an even more commanding tone to my speech will intimidate the enemy, while arousing even more ready obedience from my underlings!"

"Is THIS why we're here?" Destro muttered.

"For a time, I considered going with more of a 'Darth Vader'," Cobra Commander continued, "…until I realized that we already have a prominent Cobra ripping off his voice!" Several gazes turned to Destro.

"What?" he cried incredulously. "I … do not …. It's a Scottish accent!" he protested. "Ach!" he tried to add, unconvincingly.

"At any rate," the deep-toned Cobra Commander continued, "with my new voice of terror, the world shall fall even more quickly before Cobra!"

"Oh, sure," Firefly remarked, suddenly back. "Barry White is much more intimidating."

"Who?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Say 'babies' again!" the Baroness said.

"What?" Cobra Commander queried.

"Or 'baby.'"

"Say 'don't know why,'" Zarana added.

"What?" the Commander deep-voiced again. "I don't know why – "

"Ooo!" the Baroness cooed.

"Have you ever thought about a singing career, Cobra Commander?" Zarana asked, taking a step towards the leader.

"Is Barry White in here?" asked an excited female Trooper, sticking her head in the doorway.

"Gar!" Torch exclaimed.

"Erm – remain on alert!" Cobra Commander commanded. "Soon shall come the opportunity to test my new voice in battlefield conditions! Co…bra!" The slightly perplexed leader left the room, followed down the hallway by Zarana, the Baroness, and a growing group of Cobra operatives.

"It's gotta be the voice," Wild Weasel said. "Chicks dig the deep voice." Copperhead grunted agreement.

"The helmet-augmented voice," Xamot observed. Once again, several pairs of eyes turned towards Destro.

"What?" Destro asked. "My voice is natural!"

"I wondered why he wears the helmet all the time," Firefly quietly remarked to Zartan.

"I – I don't have to take this!" Destro exclaimed. He picked up his paper. "Baroness? …Baroness?" he called as he walked out the door.

"Oy," Major Bludd said.

"Yarrr," Torch nodded sagely.


	2. Missed Communication

(Hello. Okay, I had some trouble working through this one. It's another case of I know points A and Z, but some of the letters in the middle are a little hard to figure out (speaking metaphorically about the story, of course; I do still know the alphabet alphabet pretty well). I actually printed out the first two-plus pages of the story so that I could see them all at once in front of me and try to re-write that way. I think it's turned out decently well; I hope you readers get some entertainment from it.

Oh, and one (so far as I know) of these Joe helpful lessons actually was a spot on the cartoon. Can you tell which one:)

I am trying to make more writing time now, so I should be submitting more frequently. I should be posting again soon; it's just a question of whether I decide to finish the Transformers or the G. I. Joe story first ….

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It was a pleasant spring afternoon. Members of G. I. Joe, America's elite, highly-trained special mission force, were fulfilling some public service, spending some time instructing the local youth community.

"… And that's how you select quality rappelling line for scaling peaks of over eight thousand feet," Alpine concluded.

"Gee, um … thanks?" one of the boys nearby said.

"And …?" Alpine asked.

"Oh, yeah. 'Now I know,'" the boy added.

"And knowing is half the …?"

"Homework?"

"Well, close; kinda …."

Nearby, Cover Girl was finishing a lesson of her own. " … And that's how you use rouge to accentuate your cheekbones! Next – supermodel lipsticks!"

"Thanks, Cover Girl!" the girls in her group cried. "Now we know!"

"Uh, Cover Girl?" Alpine interjected. "Are you sure you should be teaching them that?"

"And knowing is half the battle!" the girls concluded.

"Why not?"

"'Cause they're like a bunch of six-year olds or something!" Alpine exclaimed, pretty accurately assessing the age of most of Cover Girl's audience.

"Look, I can show them this; or I can teach them the principles of arming, aiming, and firing rocket-powered projectiles from a treaded launch vehicle," Cover Girl replied. "Your pick."

"Well …" was the only reply which Alpine could make.

Nearby, Roadblock was finishing a demonstration of his own. "And that's how you use a loose wood plank to cross a deep ditch into a construction site!"

"Thanks, Roadblock! Now we know!"

"And knowing," Roadblock concluded, "is half the – "

"COBRA!" a deep voice called out.

" 'Half the Cobra?'" Roadblock repeated. "That's not right."

"We're under attack!" Alpine exclaimed.

"Wait," Cover Girl said. "That voice …"

"Vipers – surround the fools!" the same low rumble which had cried "Cobra" commanded.

"Oh man!" Alpine exclaimed.

"Barry White?" Cover Girl asked incredulously.

"Barry White's joined Cobra?" Roadblock asked.

"I guess!" Alpine said, as he tried to herd the children away.

"I ain't fightin' Barry White!" Roadblock said.

"Tremble, G.I. Joe – before the terror of Cobra Commander!" the booming voice cried.

"What?" Cover Girl reacted.

"Barry White is Cobra Commander?" Alpine asked confusedly.

"Little children," the Voice called, "leave the area immediately! You can pick up Cobra lollypops and trading cards from the Range-Vipers at the edge of the road on your way out! Oh, and don't pet Croc Master's alligators!"

"Guys!" Hit'n'Run exclaimed, running up to the other Joes, who had taken shelter in the ditch which Roadblock had been showing the children how to cross. "I was in the woods, teaching the kids how to play hide and seek – "

"Ahm, I kind of think they may have already known that," Cover Girl noted dryly.

"Anyway!" Hit 'n' Run continued. "I saw a squad of Cobra troopers in there, being led by –"

"Barry White?" Alpine asked.

"No … " Hit'n'Run said, giving Alpine a quizzical look.

"Destro with a head cold?" Cover Girl put in.

"No," Hit'n'Run replied, giving all of his fellow Joes the "are you nuts?" once-over. "Big boss snake Cobra Commander, his own self!"

"But … ya heard his voice, man?" Roadblock asked.

"Yeah. It is kinda freaky …" Hit'n'Run allowed, "but it came from Mirror Face."

"And you're sure he's not Barry White?" Alpine asked.

"Yeah, I think I can think of a couple of reasons …" Hit'n'Run said.

"Well, whoever he is, we've only got seconds left before he starts leading his troops in overrunning this position," Cover Girl said, cocking her pistol.

"Right," Alpine acknowledged, trying to shake off his confusion. "Better get ready." He and Hit'n'Run pulled out weapons of their own.

"Roadblock?" Cover Girl asked.

"What?" he replied, holding up his empty hands. "It's not like I can just stick my .30 cal in my back pocket! Well, I mean, I'm strong enough, but it wouldn't fit very well …"

"This could get rough …" Alpine grimaced.

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"Ha ha ha ha!" Cobra Commander laughed again, in his new, deep laugh. The parabolic microphone of Tele-Viper Lewis had been able to pick up the Joes' conversation. "Already they tremble in panic and confusion!" the Commander gloated. "And grumpy old Destro and Zartan and the rest didn't want to come! Ha! Jealous fools! Once again, I'm proven right!"

"Yes, Cobra Commander!" Lewis cried obsequiously.

"Officers, prepare your troops!" Cobra Commander instructed. "Form up two flanking movements and a main assault thrust!" The delay allowing the children to leave was almost completed. The Joes were the target of today's assault; no need to risk injury to future consumers … of Cobra products. Future payers of Cobra taxes …. Future subjects to bow before the deep, booming voice of Cobra! Yes ….

They'd make quick work of these Joes … and get back to Cobra Island by evening. And the Commander could try to work through his … increasingly busy social calendar. The female members of his organization seemed to be even more appreciative of his magnificent Cobra Commanderiness of late. At least SOME knew how to recognize his genius … All hail ME! Cobra Commander thought. Heh heh heh. No, wait, try laughing in the new voice. Heh heh heh, he mentally repeated, in a deeper tone. Yes, that's better.

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Cobra Commander was less amused ten minutes later, as his assault force had failed to overtake the Joes.

There was enough of an open clearing between the Cobra squad ensconced in the woods and the Joes entrenched in their … trench … that a direct frontal assault was difficult. And side movements kept being thwarted by more Joes popping up in the forest. How many of them HAD been playing hide and seek in the woods, anyway?

Plus, for some reason there had been a large pile of cosmetics in the clearing, and the Joes had scattered all the face powder in the air, halting a whole squad of troops in their tracks. And Cobra Commander had had to direct their every movement. Sometimes it was a burden being Commander.

Still, that's who he was, and he had his new booming voice to command them with.

Ugh! Now they were running directly towards – rappelling line? Couldn't they see it outstretched there?

"Watch out for the rappelling line!" Cobra Commander cried out – or at least, that's what he tried to say. Instead, "Wrrrrch rrrrt frrrrr rarerrpprreeerr lrrrn!" was closer to what boomed out of his helmet.

"What?"

"Huh?"

The troopers stopped in their tracks – and were sitting ducks for a flurry of baseballs hurled at them.

"Lrrrrk orrrrt! Grrrrt drrrrn! Grrrrt brrrrck hrrrr!" Cobra Commander called in a very low rumble. "Rrrithrraw! …Wrrrht?" the Commander finally asked.

The Cobra troops, both in movement and behind the lines, exchanged looks of confusion. Most of the charging element did get the idea to pull back, amid a flurry of fire and flying objects, though two troops did actually crash into each other in trying.

"Whrrrrt's grrrrrrgn rrrrn?" Cobra Commander rummbled. "Frrrrrrrx mrrrrr vrrrrrrcce!" Tele-Viper Lewis shrugged helplessly. C.C. then made a writing motion with his hands.

"Um … stab?"

"Yeah, he wants to stab something!" Trooper Higaldrez agreed.

"Sir, your knife is in your leg holster …" Lewis began … until Cobra Commander grabbed him by the vest and shook him. "Oh … oh … write?" Lewis deduced, after the Commander pantomimed writing on Lewis' visor.

"Yrrrrrs!" Cobra Commander replied, nodding.

"Um … a pen? Who's got a pen?" Lewis asked. Higaldrez shook his head. "Anybody have a pen?" Lewis called more loudly. "…Anybody?"

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"Yeah," Torpedo said. "His voice is broken."

Cover Girl chuckled.

"Serves him right for rippin'off Barry White!" Alpine declared.

"I still can't believe you wore your wetsuit here," Cover Girl said to Torpedo.

"Hey," he replied, "if I was gonna TEACH them something about hide and seek, why not to look out for somebody swimming under a stream?"

"Hey, makes as much sense as all that make-up," Hit'n'Run said.

"This from the guy who's always painted in shades of green," Cover Girl replied.

"Come on, guys!" interjected Hardball, who had brought the bag of baseballs they'd been hurling at the Cobras with him from the nearby ball field, and was now getting out some footballs. "Now's our chance to mount an offensive!"

"I still think we should back off into the construction site, and let 'em all charge at this ditch!" Roadblock said. "If they don't have any wooden planks, they'll fall right in!"

"Yeah, we know," Hit'n'Run replied tiredly.

"That's right!" Roadblock replied. "And knowin' is half the battle! So we'd have it half won! See?"

"Um … right," Cover Girl answered.

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Finally, Cobra Commander had a pen.

Now, he just needed one that actually worked.

And some paper.

His helmet still only allowed slow, deep rumbles, which weren't enough to keep his soldiers from charging blindly into rappelling line, and footballs, and anything else the still-small band of G. I. Joe troops could find. Imbeciles! Blundering, uncoordinated, myopic –

"Here, sir!" a Range-Viper said to the Commander. "Will this help?"

Briefly, Cobra Commander considered shooting the trooper … then decided the object being presented was better than nothing.

Moments later, Tele-Viper Lewis shouted out: "Soldiers of Cobra! Look here!"

The Cobras looked to see Cobra Commander holding up an Etch-a-Sketch.

On it were written - well, drawn - the words "DUCK, you idiots!"

But, most of the soldiers were too far away to be able to clearly read the screen. As they strained to make out their orders, they were pelted by a barrage of snowballs.

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"I can't believe you guys brought a snow-machine here," Torpedo said.

"Well, these kids need to know how to calculate the proper trajectories for their snowballs!" Long Range proclaimed. "When you can pelt your opponents from inside the safety of your snow fort, THAT'S half the battle!"

"Yo Joe!" Roadblock seconded.

"Besides," Muskrat added, "we needed something for Snow Job to do."

Snow Job shrugged, pausing for a second from snowball making. "Just sorry it took so long to drag the thing over here from the ball field."

"'S all right," Cover Girl replied.

"And at least we've answered the question of if you and Long Range are the same person or not!" Alpine chipped in.

The two bearded red heads looked at each other in confusion. "Huh?" Long Range asked.

"My question is – don't you own a coat or anything, Muskrat?" Cover Girl asked of the sleeveless-vest-wearing Joe.

"Nah, I'm tough…" Muskrat began, puffing out his chest. " - Ow, splinter!" He dropped the plank he'd been holding. "You let kids play with these things, Roadblock?" he asked, grabbing his thumb.

"It wasn't PLAY," Roadblock corrected offendedly, "it was imparting a helpful life lesson!"

"Well, these Cobras are learning a few lessons now!" Alpine whooped. "Or, failing to …" he added, as a couple more troops tripped over ropes and balls.

"Yeah, they aren't much without their Commander, huh?" Hardball remarked, hurling a snowball fastball squarely into a trooper's face.

"Yeah," Cover Girl agreed. "Let's just hope he stays mute …"

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Cobra Commander had been able to give a few orders to the Cobra crew still with him in the woods via Etch-A-Sketch. A Techno-Viper was attempting to repair his vocal unit, although the Commander was currently too busy beating returning troops over the head with the Etch-A-Sketch to hold very still.

"Rrrrrroo rrincrromrrrrrnt, brrrrrmblrrn – "

"Commander, sir, sir!" Tele-Viper Lewis exclaimed, running up with another Techno-Viper and a large backpack. "I think we have a temporary solution!"

"Rrrerry?" the Commander asked, looking up. "Rrrrrt?"

"Book and I have been able to rig up this sonic backpack, with a few common phrases we were able to find in old recordings," Lewis explained. "Now, it's your old voice, but on such short notice – "

Cobra Commander grabbed the backpack.

"These buttons here, and here, will activate the recordings," Techno-Viper Book explained to the Commander.

"Cobra!" the pack exclaimed, in an approximation ofCobra Commander's famous serpentine voice.

"Hrrrrrrr hrrrrr hrrrrr hrrrrrr hrrrrr!" Cobra Commander laughed. The hit of another button played back a recording of an explosion.

Lewis could tell that Cobra Commander was giving a "WHAT the -?" look. "Like I said, sir – we didn't have much time to cull through recordings …"

The Commander turned toward the battlefield. It would be enough. Under his leadership, even this squad couldn't fail to overrun the Joes and their largely makeshift pile of weapons. Prepare to meet your match, Joes! He set the explosion sound off again, this time as a deliberate indicator of impending doom. Yes, they'd crush the Joes, and their snowballs and footballs and – 2x4s?

Wooden planks were now sailing through the air towards the Cobra squad. "Ow! Splinters!" someone exclaimed.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrnn," Cobra Commander groaned, putting a hand to his helmet and shaking his head.


	3. Havoc, Beer Cans, and a Bucket

Okay. At long last – so long, I'd be surprised if anyone still remembers this story – the conclusion. Overall, I think some funny stuff came out of this; but I don't know if a joke about the old "Talking Battle Commander" Cobra Commander figure – and, if you never had one, yeah, it did kind of sound like what is presented here – wasn't a bit of a waste of the "deep voice" idea. On the other hand, some other stuff just happened along as I wrote this which I like… Well, at any rate – sorry that it took so long to finish this off; hope anybody who reads it has fun :)

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"Snow Job!" Long Range exclaimed chastisingly. "You've got to make these snowballs more precisely! Their oblong shape's throwing off my calculations!" He tossed a ball back to Snow Job.

"Hey!" Snow Job replied defensively. "It's not MY fault it's so darned hot out here! It's melting the snow!"

"Watch it with that snow, man," Torpedo said. "I'm from Hawaii, remember? That stuff's plenty chilly enough for me."

"Uhhh!" Muskrat said, fiddling with his finger. "If I get tetanus from this splinter –"

"You can't get tetanus from wood –" Alpine began -

Until all of their comments were brought to a sudden halt by the sound of a familiar voice crying "Cobra!"

"UH-oh," Snow Job said.

"Big Snake is back communicado," Cover Girl remarked grimly.

"We're gonna need a bigger ditch," Roadblock said.

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"Cobra!" the pre-recorded and sonic backpack-amplified voice of Cobra Commander exclaimed again.

The battered and confused Cobra troopers stood at attention. At last, their leader was back, to direct them to victory!

Next, Cobra Commander pushed the button corresponding to the exclamation, "Vipers attack!"

The Cobra soldiers looked at each other in confusion.

The Commander pushed the button again.

The Cobras looked at each other again. Then, a small number charged forward; others disappeared into the woods.

"Cobra! Cobra!" Cobra Commander pushed in confusion. He tried the "Vipers attack!" button one more time.

Several of his troops were… grabbing stray cats? And… struggling with them?

"Cobra!" button again, and two more "Vipers attack!"

One of the troops stopped getting clawed long enough to look confused. "We ARE fighting with the cat!" he cried defensively. Then, he cried "OW!" as the tabby scratched him.

"Cobra! Vipers attack!" Cobra Commander was looking at Tele-Viper Lewis and Techno-Viper Book as he pushed his buttons this time.

"Well…" said Lewis, "I guess it does … kind of…" Lewis looked to Book for support. "Kind of sound like… 'fight with the cat'."

Now Cobra Commander had use for his "I'll get you!" button, as he attacked Book and Lewis.

"But … we warned you the audio we had to work with – with no – time – Ow! Sir!" Book cried.

"I'll get you! I'll get you! BOOM!" cried Cobra Commander's command backpack.

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"Wow," Torpedo said.

"Yeah," Hardball agreed, as the Joes surveyed the field of confused, feline-battling, and Commander-beaten troops.

"We might be able to charge them, at this rate," Cover Girl said.

"Ammo's almost ready," Snow Job said, patting another ball.

"We still could use more cover," Hit&Run observed.

The rumbling of large machinery suddenly appeared.

"Oh, man!" Muskrat exclaimed. "Cobra reinforcements?"

"Down in the trench!" Roadblock exclaimed.

"Nothing's too tough for HAVOC, nothing's too rough for HAVOC!" was suddenly heard being sung, by –

"Cross-Country!" Cover Girl exclaimed.

The HAVOC driver and his vehicle burst out of the woods to the right, charging up to the Joes' position.

"Got here soon's we could," Cross-Country said. "Though… this guys look in pretty rough shape, anyway," he remarked, looking at the mess of wet, scratched, splintery Cobras.

"Still good timing, Cross-C," Alpine said. "Now we can get outta this trench!"

"Hey!" Roadblock cried. "Don't be dissin' my trench!"

"Go, Joes!" Cover Girl called.

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Cobra Commander had given up on both his backpack and venting his frustrations on his minions. His forces were a mess; and now the Joes had an armored vehicle? He had to find a way to command his troops!

But… he couldn't unmask, here in public; his voice was now unintelligible; and the backpack was useless.

"Commander!" a Trooper called. "We found a mountain lion! Is that the cat you meant? Yeow!"

Worse than useless.

He needed something else, to free his voice and conceal his face. He began scanning the ground for anything which could cover his head.

Plastic bag? No.

Was that a hand towel? Too small.

Blast! Mostly, the woods were just covered with beer cans… and leaves. Nothing of useful concealment value. In the future, he'd have to bring along some sort of back-up to his helmet –

Wait. That… COULD work.

But… was the situation that dire?

"Look out! Wild mountain lion!"

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"Yeah, we're routin' 'em!" Alpine exclaimed.

"And routing is half the battle!" Roadblock proclaimed.

"No, actually…" Alpine began.

"Long Range! At 12:30… good shot!" Cover Girl called.

"Yeah, and this snow's good for my splinter, too!" Muskrat said.

"I think it's time to get the big snake!" Torpedo said.

"Cobra!"

"Speaking of…" Cover Girl said wryly.

"He got the gear working again?" Hardball asked.

"Troopers, to me!" the familiar serpentesque voice of Cobra Commander called.

"No, worse," Cover Girl said.

Back in the woods, the Cobra soldiers turned to their leader, standing commandingly behind them…

With a Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket on his head.

"Form up three withdrawal units!" the Commander ordered.

"Whoah, Cobra Commander is Buckethead?" one Trooper cried, as the soldiers scrambled to obey.

"Who?" the man next to him asked.

"You know," a third Trooper replied, "the avant-garde guitarist in the new version of Guns'n'Roses!"

"Yeah!" the first Trooper cried.

"Whoa, cool," the second Cobra said.

Cobra Commander, meanwhile, was organizing his forces' retreat, with remarkable authority for a man wearing an empty fried chicken bucket on his head. "Take path Delta! Make sure Croc-Master unleashes all booby traps on the other paths! I need six soldiers with good hand-eye coordination! And someone with a lighter!"

"Yes, sir!" cried one Trooper. "…What's Axl Rose like?"

"What?" Cobra Commander asked. "Well… he's a little moody… but generally I think he's been misunderstood –" he began. "This isn't the time for such questions!"

"Sorry, sir!"

The Joes' progress towards the woods had slowed.as the Cobras finally became organized. Almost all of the Joes had now climbed onto the HAVOC's sides as they pushed forward… into a flurry of beer cans.

"Hey!" Torpedo exclaimed. "They're throwing stuff at us!"

"No fair!" Alpine cried. "That's OUR trick!"

"Ow! Not in the face!" Cross Country cried. He pulled his goggles down over his eyes.

"Smoke!" Hardball exclaimed.

"I didn't smoke when I was a model, and I don't now –" Cover Girl retorted.

"No. Look!" Hardball said, pointing.

"They're burning leaves!" Hit&Run cried.

"Those… rats!" Cross Country said.

"Man!" Roadblock exclaimed. "My planks are useless against fire!"

"No kidding!" Alpine said. "Long Range! Snow Job! Get that snowmaker over here!"

"Man, I've got to recalculate everything!" Long Range said.

"Just shoot!" Snow Job replied.

"But… but…" Long Range protested, before giving up and shooting at the smoldering leaves.

"The smoke is covering their escape!" Cover Girl cried.

"Roadblock and I can try to chase 'em down!" Muskrat volunteered. "Just keep those planks away from me!"

"Don't hate on the wood, man!" Roadblock said. "Come on, let's get that – mountain lion!" he cried, as the agitated cat ran out of the woods.

"Hit it with the wood! Hit it with the wood!" Muskrat cried.

"Oh, now you like the wood planks!" Roadblock yelled back, as the pair ran from the mountain lion.

"Stop burning my woods!" Hit&Run cried, trying to pat out the burning leaves with his shirt, in the process exposing that his camo paint covered his chest as well.

"Hack! Hack hack cough!" Cover Girl exclaimed.

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Later that day, back at Cobra Headquarters, Destro watched as the Cobra squadron, battered but mostly intact, returned home.

"So, your derivative deep voice wasn't the key to victory after all, eh, Cobra… Commander?" Destro asked, thrown off by the sight of the Commander's new red and white headwear.

"No," Cobra Commander responded, in his normal hissing tones, before turning back to a couple of his appreciative troops.

"You're the greatest, sir!" one gushed.

"Yeah! Do you think you could teach me guitar?" the other asked.

"Er…" Cobra Commander began confusedly, "perhaps."

"Yeah!"

"What…?" Destro managed.

"Yes, the vocal alteration apparatus proved unreliable," Cobra Commander remarked. "But the exercise was not totally without merit. One realization – I must bring with me some sort of a… hood or other back-up mask, in case of helmet problems. And – there was no need for me to alter my voice!"

An attractive female Trooper from the returning unit stopped by the duo. "Thank you again for saving us, sir!"

"Of course," the Commander replied nonchalantly.

"Meet you for dinner at 1800, still, sir?"

"Yes, my dear," Cobra Commander replied. The Trooper happily walked off. "I have a craving for fried chicken," the Commander mused.

Glancing at the dazed-looking Destro beside him through the holes poked in his bucket "helmet", Cobra Commander remembered his train of thought. "There's no need to change my voice, or any aspect of me!" he declared, walking off. "I'm perfect just the way I am! Ha ha, ha ha ha ha!"

"Ach!" Destro cried.


End file.

G. I. Joe, Humor