G. I. Joe Scarlett Serenade

Author's note: I took a study break and wrote this down. It's a parody of "I would do anything for love," by Meatloaf.  
  
----  
  
DUKE  
  
And I would do anything for Red  
  
I'd be in a coma, then come back  
  
I would do anything for Red  
  
I'd get speared by snakes, and that's a fact  
  
But I'll never forget your pretty ponytail, oh no, no way  
  
-----  
  
(Chorus)  
  
I would do anything for Red  
  
But I won't do Jaye  
  
No, I won't do Jaye  
  
Anything for Red  
  
I would do anything for Red  
  
I would do anything for Red  
  
But I won't do Jaye  
  
No, I won't do Jaye  
  
-----  
  
And some days I'm posing for posters  
  
And some days I'm on TV  
  
And some days I'm fighting for freedom  
  
It's 'cause I'm an all-American!  
  
------  
  
And some nights you're humping Snake Eyes  
  
And some nights you're shooting foes  
  
And some nights you're doing karate, beating the Cobras  
  
All down again!  
  
------  
  
And maybe I'm crazy  
  
Hoping that I'd impress you  
  
I'm so tough and macho  
  
And check out my eyes, they're nice and blue  
  
------  
  
As long as your sister is ugly  
  
As long as my brother's a pussy  
  
As long as that Cover Girl's got the hots  
  
For me, just believe it—  
  
------  
  
(Chorus)  
  
That I would do anything for Red  
  
I'd find Serpentor, break his back  
  
I would do anything for Red  
  
I'd grab all my guns and then attack  
  
But I'll never forgive myself if we don't have lots of sex  
  
Tonight  
  
And I would do anything for Red  
  
Oh I would do anything for Red  
  
Oh I would do anything for Red  
  
But I won't do Jaye  
  
No, I won't do Jaye  
  
-------  
  
I would do anything for Red  
  
Anything she's got in her head  
  
But I just won't do Jaye…  
  
------  
  
And some days I'm kissing slave girls  
  
And some days it's Cover Girl  
  
But when I see you hugging Snake Eyes, Shana, I just want to hurl!  
  
------  
  
And some nights I dream of your long hair  
  
Your stars and your big cross bow  
  
I dream of you taking your clothes off, and then I simply lose control  
  
------  
  
And maybe I'm lonely  
  
Not to mention horny, too  
  
You think I'm a nutcase?  
  
I'm a nutcase just for you!  
  
------  
  
As long as Destro is shiny  
  
As long as Serpentor is whiny  
  
As long as the Cobra Commander's a mutant,  
  
You better believe it  
  
------  
  
(Chorus)  
  
That I would do anything for Red  
  
I'd fly right in with my jet pack  
  
I would do anything for Red  
  
I'd get Cobra's bomb and throw it back  
  
------  
  
But I'll never do it better than I did it with your Mom  
  
So long  
  
So long  
  
I would do anything for Red  
  
I would do anything for Red  
  
I would do anything for Red  
  
But I won't do Jaye  
  
No I won't do Jaye  
  
------  
  
I would do anything for Red  
  
Anything she's got in her head  
  
But I just won't do Jaye…  
  
-------  
  
But I'll never stop having  
  
Wet dreams of you  
  
Every night  
  
No way  
  
I would do anything for Red  
  
I would do anything for Red  
  
I would do anything for Red  
  
But I won't do Jaye  
  
No I won't do Jaye  
  
------  
  
SCARLETT  
  
Will you risk your life  
  
All through thick and thin?  
  
Will you get me out of every little jam I get in?  
  
Will you cherish me for all time?  
  
-------  
  
DUKE  
  
I can do that  
  
I can do that  
  
-------  
  
SCARLETT  
  
Will you lose your voice?  
  
Will your face turn to ash  
  
As you rescue me from dying in a chopper crash?  
  
Will you be my one true soul mate?  
  
--------  
  
DUKE  
  
I can do that  
  
I can do that  
  
-------  
  
SCARLETT  
  
Will you talk with me  
  
Be with me all the time  
  
As you communicate your every wish with a sign  
  
Will you be my scarred, mute lover?  
  
-------  
  
DUKE  
  
I can do that  
  
I can do that  
  
--------  
  
SCARLETT  
  
When we're on our own, will you stay with me?  
  
Will you take me to your cabin and then marry me?  
  
Will you leave before our wedding  
  
---------  
  
DUKE  
  
I can do that  
  
I can do that  
  
--------  
  
SCARLETT  
  
After a while, when we're no longer Joes  
  
You'll be spending lots of time  
  
With our fellow heroes  
  
You'll get jealous of Flint, I just know it  
  
--------  
  
DUKE  
  
I won't do Jaye  
  
I won't do Jaye  
  
--------  
  
SCARLETT  
  
I know how it is, I've lived many days  
  
I've had my heart broken so many times, I can't say  
  
Sooner or later, you'll be screwing Lady Jaye  
  
---------  
  
DUKE  
  
I won't do Jaye  
  
No, I won't do Jaye…  
  
* * *  
  
SCARLETT turns to SNAKE EYES, who has been standing next to her the whole time.  
  
SCARLETT  
  
Well how about it, Snake Eyes? Can YOU sing a romantic song to me that will top that?  
  
SNAKE EYES  
  
…  
  
SCARLETT  
  
Yeah, yeah, excuses, excuses. It's all about YOU, isn't it? Take a hike, bitch.  
  
SCARLETT delivers a huge bitch slap to SNAKE EYES, before walking off with DUKE.  
  
DUKE  
  
Ready for the big ride, baby!  
  
COVER GIRL approaches SNAKE EYES.  
  
COVER GIRL  
  
Poor Snake Eyes. I feel you, man. You got rejected by Scarlett. Well, I got rejected by Duke, and I had the biggest crush on him. We're just two lovelorn lonely hearts, aren't we?  
  
SNAKE EYES  
  
…  
  
COVER GIRL  
  
You know, I used to always think that the blond, blue eyed, all-American poster boys were my type. But I think I could get used to the strong, silent type.  
  
COVER GIRL puts an arm around SNAKE EYES and leads him away.  
  
COVER GIRL  
  
You know, I've got a pretty good body, myself, and I'm a real firecracker in the sack. I'll make you forget all about that tramp Scarlett. Let's drown our sorrows together in a wild night of hot, unbridled passion, shall we?  
  
THE END 


End file.

G. I. Joe, Humor, Parody