Harry Potter 1. Got Swag?

Lucius Malloy, I Err Mean Malfoy. Crack Fic

"Get out the way, bitch!"

Lucius growled, pushing a small first year out of his way using his 'walking stick'.

"Draco, don't just stand there like your balls are tied, get the fuck behind me and copy my swag!" He said, pointing his cane in his son's direction.

"Yes, father." Came the short reply.

Lucius began to strut once more, hearing the quick beat of his son's steps not far behind him. His hair swished in the air, causing all the young, beautiful witches- and Ginny- to stop in their tracks and stare.

"Lucius, Lucius Malloy?"

Lucius stopped and turned like in the ballet to be knocked over by his own kid.

"Draco, you little shit!"

"Sir, you shoudn't talk down to your son like that... Draco is quite an excellent finder." Came a familiar voice.

"DRACO, YOU ARE NOT A JIGGLYPUFF!"

"Y-yes father..." This time his son sounded on the verge of tears.

Lucius looked up to see Slughorn standing directly infront of him.

"Oh... its you..." Lucius did not try to hide his displeasure.

"Yes! Mr. Malloy, it has been an awfully long while, right?"

"Malfoy. Meh names Malfoy. Get it right, bitch, I'm a motherfucking pimp now." Lucius spat through clenched teeth.

"Ah, yes, yes... I always knew you had it in you."

Lucius didn't even want to respond; he knew his ex-teacher was just trying to butter up his jellied biscuts.

"Father?"

Lucius turned once more to see his son standing back up and wiping his now dusty pants off with his palms.

"Where is mother?"

"Oh, wouldn't you like to know? You horny little fucker." Lucius smiled a smile that showed everyone he was being serious yet playful.

"I don't understand your theory, sir. I just know that she doesn't fancy being home alone..."

Lucius's smile turned upside down.

"Draco! Do not bring your mother into the conversation again!"

"B-But father I don't understand... Mother-"

"What the fuck did I just say! " Lucius yelled, raising his hand above his head. He saw that Draco knew he was going to smack him, so instead he made a loud, high pitched "Ooooowwaaaahhh!" and ninja kicked him in the gut after hissing like a snake.

"Umpf!" Draco moaned as he hit the floor.

"Lucius, wha..? What are you doing?"

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit... He knew that voice better than he knew how many chipped teeth Bellatrix had.

"Cissa... I... was just showing our slave- I mean my dear, lovely prince how to defend against rabid Hufflepuffs that glitter in the sun!" He didn't know whether she would believe him or not... although he was quite the good story teller.

"EW! Those are the worst. I swear one of them keeps watching me sleep..."

He watched his wife kneel down next to Draco and help him up.

"Come dear, I'm having Dobby prepare us dinner for four tonight."

"Four? Why on earth four? I told you when you were pregnant it was okay to eat more... But face it, you're letting yourself go a bit dear..." He said, nodding as if completely sure he was right.

"Not for me! Bella is joining us tonight, and you better be on your best behaivor!"

He heard the threat in her voice and knew... she was legit.

This shit is legitly betaed. lol

~Moony


	2. Beam us up scotty!

Lucius was currently trying to pick between a leather tight shirt and matching leather pants that read 'Hot stuff" across the bum, or a newly bought suit that looked incredibly tidy and had no spots of dust whatsoever. He took awhile to decide, but finally came to a conclusion chosing the one he knew his wife would want to see him wear to this elegant dinner with his sisterinlaw.

The dining area looked as normal as ever, his sons picture of Zack Efron hung above the fire place. He walked over to the table to be confronted by none other than Bellatrix herself.

"Sup, Luci. Nice wear."

He gave a small wave and sat down in his usual spot; the chair read "Papa Bear"

"Good evening Bellatrix. I see you have continued to refuse to brush your hair." He stated darkly.

"At least mine isn't fake"

He growled shifting in his seat, while she let out a small giggle.

"LUCIUS!" His wife cried out frantically while entering the room.

Lucius loved this game.

"NARCISSSSSSAAAAAHHHHH!" He screamed trying to be louder than her. Cause that was the point... right?

"Lucius, What in Merlins Beard are you wearing?"

oh no, she was going Bitch.

"Well... I thought youd enjoy having something good to look at." He smiled meekly.

"No, no no. You think this is funny?"

"Not really, i like to call it... Fasion."

He could see her pulling out chunks of her hair in frustration.

"Can we eat now?"

Lucius looked from his wife to Bellatrix who shrugged and pointed left. His gaze then met his son who was dressed in a suit and even had his hair done. Lucius let out a cat call.

"Damn boy, you look swanky."

"Thats because we are, Father."

"ehum!"

Lucius snapped his head to look at Bellatrix.

"What do you want? The toothbrushes are in the other room." He smiled at his own joke.

"Ha. I never knew you were the type to dance on the edge of a knife." Her voice was deathly low.

"My dear, youve got it all wrong. I do indeed like to dance... The chacha."

Before he could hide his wife spoke up.

"Lucius, Just stop talking altogether. Bella, get your feet off my table, and Draco.. your being a very good sit next to mummy" she began to pat the chair next to where she was seated.

"Gawd Draco, could you be any more of a mamas Bitch then you already are?"

"Lucius that is uncalled for, Dobby!"

In a quick Crack a little elf with pots and plates appeared.

"Yes Mistress?"

"Start serving the appitizers please."

The small elf nodded and began to place plates infront of everyone.

Meanwhile lucius and Bellatrix had begun a conversation.

"So you think the name The Spockster fits well?"

"ehh it's alright, I kind of like the Kirk Meister to be honest."

Lucius nodded his head in agreement. then his eyes flew open and a wide grin spread across his face.

"Lets play a family game" He said while looking around the room gathering his wife and sons attention.

"Go on" Bella waved her hand in an encouraging gesture to continue.

"Okay i'm going to give us all Startrek names." He watched bellatrix smile and his wife frown. "And we have to act like that person, no matter what." He looked around to make sure everyone was with him before shouting out.

"Ill Be cap Kirk!"

" Ill wanna be Spock" Bella said raising her hand to play with a strand of hair.

"Hmm.. Draco, you can be Chekov since noone can understand him anyway." Lucius spoke stroking his invisible beard.

Draco just sighed.

"And wife, you will be Scotty."

"I dont even want to pla-"

"Its final. You have to" Lucius cut in.

" i said n-"

"I SAID ITS FINAL WOMEN!" Lucius yelled causing Efron to shake a bit on the wall.

"When does it start?" Bella asked.

"Now!"

Right about then Dobby reappeared with the main course.

"Hurry up Sulu. We havent got all day."

Dobby looked up at his master confused on who was Sulu and why was he being called that.

Lucius had grabbed a sharpie and drew some stubble on his face to appear more kirk like.

"Your Logic makes no sense" Bella spoke trying to sound as monotone as possible.

"Quiet Spock! I'm trying to think."

"This is Riddikulus" Draco said Not in the mood for one of his fathers stupid games.

"What? Spock, did you or your intellectual brain catch what Chekov said?" Lucius said looking utterly confused as if he really couldnt understand his son.

"No Captain I diddnt. there are few languages i cannot understand... and sadly Chekovs is one of them.

"I agree... maybe we shouldnt of hired him." Lucius looked as if he were contemplating something.

There was a knock at the door.

"Oh no! Its the Romulans!" Lucius shouted looking bewildered.

"What are your orders sir?" Bella spoke indifferently

Lucius looked from bella to his wife.

"Scotty! Beam us up!"

"Lucius i told you i am not doing this!" Narcissa argued.

"I said, Scotty! BEAM US UP!" Lucius bellowed cuffing his hands around his mouth to make his voice seem louder.

"I said no!" Narcissa got up as the door bell rang again.

"CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND BEAM US UP!"

"I AM CALM YOU SLACKING DOUCHE OF A HUSBAND!"

"Cissa... please... we will die if you dont beam us up... do it for Chekky..." He motioned in Draco's direction.

Narcissa sighed

"zronnggnnnn" She made the noise that she thought sounded similiar to the sound the enterprise made when beaming up it's passengers.

Lucius smiled and the began to sway. In another moment he was fine.

"We made it Spock!"

Bella gasped looking a tad bit surprised

"Yes yes we did... but" She let her head hang low as if signalling something bad had happened."Chekov didnt make it."

"What? oh No! He probrally didnt understand the orders.." Lucius shook his head dissaapointed inhimself.

Draco huffed. Sliding noisely out of his chair and following his mother out, leaving his father and aunt to finish there game.


End file.

Harry Potter, Humor