Bleach 1. The Head Captain's warning

Good afternoon, soul reapers.

I was asked to give a few tips on how to succeed in your typical Hollow-exterminating missions, but I have decided to leave that to my subordinates. It will show me just how knowledgeable they are when it comes to field tactics.

There is one thing I wish to add before they begin. You young, ambitious soul reapers may wish to try out these tactics in your barracks, or on each other. I am speaking from decades of experience here when I say _that has never worked out in the past. _I will not recount the number of times we have had to carry out renovations in the Seireitei. It is a shameful reminder of the (too many) times my military force have shown a lack of competence and common sense. If I get the word that anyone destroyed _any_ of the Seireitei, even the Eleventh Division barracks, I will come after them personally. With Ryujin Jakka.

You have been warned.

Thank you, Captain Tousen, for the opportunity to contribute to your newsletter,

Head Captain Yamamoto

* * *

Side note from Chief Editor Tousen: As per a special request, I have asked some of the former captains and lieutenants of the Gotei 13 to contribute, including Yoruichi Shihoin and Kisuke Urahara. They will all be taking their turns either after or in amongst the current officers' columns.


	2. Rangiku's not-so-anonymous contribution

Hello, everyone!

For these tactics to work, you'll need the lieutenant, 3rd and 5th seats from the 11th Division. Oh, and a Hollow, preferably murderous and out for blood. It also really, really helps if it's a bright sunny day.

All set? Good.

1) Get Ikkaku out in the sunlight. The glare off his head would be more than enough to blind the Hollow.

2) Then get Yumichika out there. It's pretty much guaranteed that he'll start talking (or rambling, whatever you want to call it) loudly about some brands of spray tan the Hollow could use, but how no artificial tan could ever hope to match Yumichika's own perfect skin tone.

3) If the Hollow isn't begging for death yet, setting Yachiru on it should do the trick.

If the Hollow has a_ really big _death wish, he'll try fighting Yachiru Kusajishi. This can end in any one of four ways:

Yachiru will bite its head off, resulting in the Hollow's immediate death.

Ikkaku will get bored of standing around and leap into the fight, Hozukimaru in hand, resulting in the Hollow's immediate death.

Yumichika will decide the Hollow's too ugly to live and kill him, resulting in the Hollow's eventual death (Yumichika will probably give a long lecture about perfection or something before he actually gets the job done).

Kenpachi will enter the scene, wondering where the hell Yachiru has gone, see the Hollow trying to eat her, yell at his 3rd and 5th seats for a bit, thereby confusing the Hollow (wasn't _it_ supposed to be the one on a rampage?), grab Yachiru and put her safely on his back, and hack the Hollow to pieces, resulting in hey, you guessed it, the Hollow's immediate death.

-Anonymous

Side note from Chief Editor Tousen: I know this was from you, Rangiku. You're not very subtle. Labelling it 'My Clever Strategy' and dousing it in your perfume is _not_ how you send an anonymous letter, even if you just wanted it to smell nice. Your turn will come soon. The only reason we even published this is because Captain Soi Fong is currently too busy to write her column for the newsletter and Shuuhei just couldn't stop laughing when he read this.


	3. Soi Fong's Q&A

Side note from Chief Editor Tousen: The Head Captain requested that his lieutenant be exempt from having to contribute. I believe it was a just decision, so without further ado, here's the next column.

* * *

Good day recruits,

I'm Captain Soi Fong, head of the Stealth Force. Many people ask me lots of questions about my fighting methods, so I thought that question-and-answer would be the best way to go about this. Captain - I mean Chief Editor - Tousen kindly sent me a list of questions some new recruits sent him.

-_Can any of us new hopefuls enter the Stealth Force?_

I like your optimism! But no.

The Stealth Force does not accept just anyone. We are an elite fighting force, the best out of the Gotei 13. You may join our ranks for basic training, and if we believe you are worthy of joining us officially, we will recruit you.

_-Captain, what would you say is the most effective way of getting rid of Hollows?_

I never use my full strength to fight Hollows. They're simply not worth the effort. I prefer to fight hand to hand as I have been taught to by Lady Yoruichi Shihoin, and it is how we in the Stealth Force fight. I would not recommend you do the same, since you have very little experience and trying to fight hand to hand can only result in lost limbs.

-_Is it true you once threw your lieutenant over the walls of the Seireitei?_

Well, wouldn't you? Spend one day with that idiot Omaeda and look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn't. I thought so. It was the easiest and most satisfying way to get rid of him that I could think of. And you wouldn't believe how much better my day got after that.

_-If you hate your lieutenant so much, why don't you just get rid of him?_

Between training my division and carrying out missions, do you really think I have the time for the paperwork required for transfers? Besides, I need to keep a close eye on him and there's the added bonus of being able to kick him whenever I want since he's stationed just outside my office. It's a great way to let out the stresses of being a captain. Feel free to do the same.

_-Why is your lieutenant always eating? He can't be very stealthy if he's so large, can he?_

Are all these questions going to be about Omaeda? I thought the purpose of this column was to gain useful insight into my fighting techniques!

Now, if that's all, I really must return to training the squad. I've left my lieutenant alone for far too long already. The last time I left him with my squad for this long, he'd started a betting pool on how many mini doughnuts he could eat in ten minutes. He seemed proud of his record, at least up until I snap kicked him in the stomach and at least four of the things came flying out of his mouth. You see how effective martial arts are? You can apply them to almost any situation.

Good luck out there,

Soi Fong

2nd Squad Captain and Commander-in-Chief of the Stealth Force


	4. Aizen's carefully planned tactics

Good day, everyone,

I am very glad for the opportunity to impart some of my knowledge to you. In case you didn't know me already, my name is Sosuke Aizen, captain of the 5th Division. Before a battle, I always enjoy a nice, soothing hot cup of tea to relax me. Not that a Hollow would be able to last very long in a fight against me, of course, but it is still essential to make it feel on edge while I calmly take my time. All of this has been meticulously planned beforehand, designed to lower the Hollow's morale so we are able to effortlessly and with minimal pain destroy the poor creature.

In the meantime, I would send my faithful lieutenant or some other members of my squad to fight the Hollow. They usually succeed in killing it for me by this point, however, in the eventuality that they do not, I have come fully prepared for a fight. At this point I wouldn't even consider using my zanpakuto; a kido is more than enough to get rid of the thing. This I would have planned also.

After this, my squad will no doubt come to congratulate me on my success. I have predicted everything they will say to a 0.2% degree of error. All of this has been part of my plan from the start.

So, to sum up: Planning all your moves beforehand is the best and most efficient way to fight Hollows. And a good cup of tea goes a long way.

I look forward to seeing some of you join my ranks. In case you need any incentive, my lieutenant has baked cookies.

Until next time,

Captain Sosuke Aizen, 5th Division

* * *

Side note from Chief Editor Tousen: As always, I admire and respect your tactics.

Side note from Deputy Editor Hisagi: Just a thought, but the last thing you said, Captain Aizen, reminds me of a small humorous caption from the World of the Living: 'Come to the dark side, we have cookies' that I saw when I was last there. It's a very good play on words, sir!

Side note from Chief Editor Tousen: Oh, Shuuhei.

Side note from Deputy Editor Hisagi: ... Am I missing something?


	5. Shinji's numerous complaints

Hey there,

Hirako here. Shinji Hirako. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

Firstly, can I just say, whichever moron decided to allow Sosuke Aizen to have a column on fighting techniques must be out of their mind. He's obviously not going to give you guys his real tactics! That guy is pure evil! You don't believe me? Ask Kisuke Urahara.

Oh wait. You people exiled him, didn't you.

Okay, ask Yoruichi Shihoin – she's not here either? Huh? Where the hell is everybody nowadays? Gotta tell ya, you guys have a gift for pissing people off. Really. Ask any of us Visored. Or the Bounts. Or the Quincy.

As previous captain of the 5th, I've gotta say that that squad's 'awesome' level has gone waaay downhill. You're supposed to be getting your squad to train for battle, not sit and have a cup of tea or practise your damned calligraphy, Aizen!

Hiyori's asking me whether my particular fighting technique involves talking someone's ear off. Why yes, it is, how did you notice, _snaggletooth?_

Oh yeah, that was the purpose of this column, wasn't it? Well, in answer to that, I mainly fight with my zanpakuto, using my shikai to confuse my enemy. Otherwise, I'm usually pissing Hiyori off enough so that she gets really mad - in that condition she's practically a human weapon all on her own. I once asked Hachi to design a slingshot-type kido I could use to throw her at Hollows with, but I don't think he was as enthusiastic about the idea as I was. I don't really know why.

I suppose if I must credit Aizen for anything, apart from getting us exiled from the Soul Society and shaving me bald that one time while I was sleeping (I swear I'll get you back for that one someday!) it's these Hollowfication powers. Once the others and I were able to overcome the excruciating pain and immense effort it took to control said powers, it actually made us all a lot stronger. So really, thank you, Aizen. I'll still kill you the next time I see you, but thank you.

See you all soon, alright?

-Shinji Hirako

* * *

Side note from Head Captain Yamamoto: Please stop moaning, Shinji. You bring shame to your former squad.


	6. Unohana's strangely effective technique

Side note from Chief Editor Tousen: We were going to have Kenpachi's column this week, but Captain Unohana very, _very_ kindly asked to be the next contributor, so here she is.

* * *

Good day, all.

It has been a while since anyone asked me about advice on how to fight. I am first and foremost a healer, so compared to the other captains, I do not have much experience in fighting. I usually just use kido as they work just as well as a zanpakuto.

Whereas other soul reapers, captains and lieutenants in particular, prefer to use a more violent approach, I use more... dignified means to get my point across. For example, if I were to come across someone causing trouble in my medical wings, I would simply remind them that they are under _my_ care and that disrupting the peace within my squad could very well result in an unexplained accident with, say, some of the surgical equipment in my operating theatres, or something to that effect. I find that this method works surprisingly well, even with the most violent of patients. I believe that this works especially well as most people tend to take me at face value and underestimate the true strength of my willpower.

So, my dear soul reapers, violence does not need to be used to solve every problem. Just the threat of violence is sufficient. Simply asking nicely also comes highly recommended.

Thank you for reading. I wish you newcomers all the luck in the world.

Captain Retsu Unohana, 4th Division


	7. Kenpachi Zaraki's simple outlook on life

Kenpachi Zaraki here.

Kill or be killed, that's all there is to it.

Won't wish you newbies good luck, wouldn't do any good.

P.S - Ichigo, I'm still waiting for that rematch.

* * *

Side note from Ichigo Kurosaki: Damn, I was hoping you'd forgotten.

Side note from Head Captain Yamamoto: ... How on earth did you get into the Seireitei?


	8. Yumichika's beautiful counsel

Hello all,

I'm in the 11th Division. That should tell you all you need to know about my fighting technique, really.

Ahem. Ikkaku's waiting for his turn to write so I'll make this quick. A couple of pointers I can give you, I suppose, is that I prefer my opponents to be worthy of my time. And - I cannot stress this enough - be at least attractive enough to _look_ at. Oh, the number of people who I couldn't even fight properly because they were just so _ugly_ is just embarrassing. Why can't people take care of themselves nowadays? Seriously, one time, there was this zombie I was fighting against (don't ask, it's a long story) and I tried to explain the basics of beauty routines - you know, simple things, like triple-step skin care followed by a full-body moisturising regime and -

Right. Anyway. That's not important right now.

Another pointer? All right then. Annoying your zanpakuto may be fun in the short term, but it can backfire really badly, especially in battle. Trust me. Honestly, Fujikujaku has the biggest attitude problem. The things he says to me are just unbelievable! Ikkaku says it's my fault but I think I'm just going to ignore him.

Anyway, I hope to see some of you join the 11th someday.

Yumichika Ayasegawa, 11th Squad 5th Seat

* * *

Side note from Deputy Editor Hisagi: It was Halloween, Yumichika. You were fighting Izuru in his zombie costume!

Side note from 5th Seat Ayasegawa: So _Izuru_ tried to eat my brains? ... Actually, that I can believe. I am truly beautiful, inside and out.

Side note from Deputy Editor Hisagi: It's not my fault you get freaked out easily - wait, _what?_


	9. Yachiru's wyze wurds of wisdum

Author's note: I apologise for the following assault on your eyes.

* * *

Hey. Ikkaku here.

The first thing I want to say is that the 11th Division is by far the best. Yes, it's better than -

_- Super Accelerated Hyperactive Yachiru Cannonball! -_

Hellooo, Sayraytey!

I'm yachiru kusajishi, yu know, lutenant of kenny's sqwad! blind guy asked me to write about fiyting, so I am! my sqaud fiyts alot. kenny lykes to join in ushully. baldy and peacok lyke to as well. i relly relly lyke waching kenny fiyt, altho its sad cos peepul keep runing away from him. i don't no wy cos i think hes relly cool! my sqwad fiyt the best out of the hole sayraytey, even beter than the secund divishun ninjas! i think yur only saif if yur with kenny. he always kils everywon he dusnt lyk, hoo are the same peepul i dont lyk too.

I think its a shaim that kenny dusnt fiyt mor. baldy says its becos i hav a teribul sens of direcshun and i always leed him the rong way. i think im the best navo - naiv - navigator in the hole sole sosyety. byakushi tort me that wurd wen i was in his hows that won tym! im the cherwuman of the sole reeper wummens asosiashun and we always hav meetngs ther. byakushi tels me to get out of his hows but i think hes just trieing to tel me to com anuther tiym. so i do. i hav lots and lots of reps - resa - responsibility (byakushi tort me that wun too! he told me pacificly to lurn sum responsibility and stop steeling his stuf or sumthng. i dont no, i was eeting cayk that i saw in his kichen) so im very impurtant.

i wud relly luv to see new peepul in our sqwad!

From, Yachiru

chief navigator of the hole sole sosyety and lutenant of sqwad 11 and cherwuman of the sole reeper wumens assosiashun.

* * *

Side note from Chief Editor Tousen: *Seireitei, *Yachiru Kusajishi, *you, *lieutenant, *squad, *Kenny (or Kenpachi), *Blind, *fighting - oh, just forget it.

Side note from Head Captain Yamamoto: I think I'm beginning to see a flaw with this idea.

Side note from Captain Kuchiki: Lieutenant Kusajishi, if I tell you to leave my home, it does not mean return later when I am out. It also does not mean steal my captain's haori and use it as a parachute while leaping off the rooftop of your barracks, no matter how fun it may be. It especially does not mean hold an SWA meeting in my garden in the dead of night while I am sleeping. The honour of the Kuchiki clan will not stand for this.

Side note from 3rd Seat Madarame: So what, am I just never going to get to write a letter?

Side note from Lieutenant Abarai: This column is for people with _actual_ authority in the Gotei 13... so no.

Side note from 3rd Seat Madarame: Yumichika got to, you idiot, and he's lower rank than I am!

Side note from Lieutenant Abarai: Well, what can I say? _He_ never got pushed around by a little girl.

Side note from 3rd Seat Madarame: ... Shut up.


End file.

Bleach, Humor