G. I. Joe 1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own G.I. Joe. On that note, I also don't own any of the other copyrighted or trademarked items I'm probably going to mention.

A/N: I missed the very first scene of the G.I. Joe movie, so forgive me any inaccuracies.

* * *

Snake Eyes looked around furtively before darting up to the door of Room 115. After he knocked, he stayed coiled and ready to spring until the door opened to reveal Storm Shadow.

_Tommy, you have to help me_.

Storm Shadow looked blearily at Snake Eyes. "How did you find me here? I'm dead," he said after a moment.

_You're not dead. This is Omaha, Nebraska_, Snake Eyes replied.

"If you ask me, Nebraska is pretty hellish," Storm Shadow replied. "It's strikingly hot in the summer, deadly cold in the winter, there's nary a tree in sight, and it's as far from the ocean as you can possibly get. Whatever that is, I wouldn't call it heavenly."

_I need your help_.

"You realize that I hate you," Storm Shadow said, glaring at Snake Eyes.

_Your pajamas are ruining the effect,_ Snake Eyes said. _Also, I'm being chased by Mary Sues_.

"You'd better come in."

Storm Shadow whisked Snake Eyes in the door and locked the deadbolt.

"So, Snake Eyes, explain to me how you've gotten yourself a passel full of Mary Sues," Storm Shadow said.

_It was the movie. Apparently, they thought I was hot, and that I was available because Scarlett was with Ripcord, and now they won't leave me alone_. Snake Eyes shivered; he hated to ask a favor from Storm Shadow, but it was all he could do right now.

"Have they followed you here?" Storm Shadow asked.

_They will have, soon enough._

Storm Shadow frowned slightly. "It's going to be quite the battle, you know. Mary Sues, especially Mary Sues in denial, can be toughies."

_Where did you learn about them?_

"I did some freelancing over in the Lord of the Rings fandom," Storm Shadow said. "So, when did you say they were going to be here?"

_I left the last bunch back in South Dakota. They'll be here within the next 6 to 8 hours_.

Storm Shadow sighed. "Well, unfortunately, the _Buffy_ marathon just ended, and we have nothing but daytime television to look forward to."

Both men sat, thinking.

"I know. I'll tell you a story," Storm Shadow said.

_That's an awkward segue._

"I know, but I have a really good one," Storm Shadow said. "Seriously, you'll love it."

_What's it about?_

"It's got action, adventure, espionage, men in tights, true love-"

_Robin Hood!_

"No. Better than that."

_The Princess Bride?_

"Nope. It's a story about a brave band of soldiers, battling against a force that would destroy them-"

_The Matrix? Star Wars?_

"Neither."

Snake Eyes looked puzzled.

"It's G.I. Joe, smart one." Storm Shadow looked annoyed.

_But Tommy, I already probably know this story._

"Not like this you don't." Storm Shadow smiled.

* * *

"Klan McCullen, you are sentenced to be branded with a hot iron mask for being a traitor. Somehow, I don't think I'll need to elaborate." _Lieutenant général_ Jean-Marie Moreau looked sternly at the Scotsman, who glared back.

"No! No, you can't do this to me. I have my rights!" Klan McCullen struggled against the guards who restrained them.

"Actually, you don't have any rights," Jean-Marie replied. "This is absolutist France. You have exactly as many rights as we say you do, and I say that you have _none_."

"Just you wait! One of my ancestors will strike you back!" Klan McCullen snarled.

"Monsieur McCullen, France is one of the foremost military powers in the world. Scotland is a backwater little country controlled by England. Somehow, I'm not terribly threatened," Jean-Marie said. "Please take him out of here."

"Just you wait! You'll get your asses kicked at Waterloo, and _then_ we'll see who's laughing!" Klan said. "And just you wait until Germany gets to you!"

The courtroom went silent.

"Germany, you say?" Jean-Marie asked.

"Yes, Germany!" Klan said.

"You mean, the little cluster of states that all happen to speak that heretic Luther's German?" Jean-Marie asked. "The ones that aren't even a _country yet_?"

"Yes, that Germany," Klan admitted. "So it doesn't sound very threatening, but really, you're going to be sorry-"

"Monsieur McCullen, I think it's time for you to get branded," Jean-Marie said. "Take him out of here."

"Let's see who's laughing when Robespierre becomes your dictator!" Klan cried. "And when you have to go through five unique republics before you get it right!"

Jean-Marie rolled his eyes. "Monsieur McCullen, France is ruled by a king who was appointed by God. I would suggest holding your tongue – the Sun King doesn't take kindly to people who predict his demise."

Klan McCullen was dragged from the room screaming about the Maginot Line, and Jean-Marie turned to a nearby _prévôt_, Antoine Dupont. "Do you think the man will ever amount to anything?" he asked.

"If he wasn't the laird of some God-forsaken patch of Scotland, he would never have even been here," Dupont replied. "But sir, the whole iron mask thing smacks of a yet-to-be-published Alexandre Dumas novel."

Jean-Marie shrugged. "I had to rule that way, you know. Even though I would really have liked to torture the man to death, there's a continuity to be upheld."

Dupont smiled. "Of course, the continuity."


	2. Chapter 2

"And now I am the doctor who did it!" Destro looked proudly over his audience of world leaders and military men.

"The doctor who did what?" asked someone in the back.

"The doctor who invented these magical little nanomites," Destro replied. "Pay close attention, boys and girls, because I'm setting up the premise of the movie right now. These nanomites eat metal – for example, the Eiffel tower. They eat everything in their path until I turn them off with a kill switch, which could be turned off by a good guy to save Paris…this is all, of course, theoretical."

"Can they make bigger machines?" asked a scientist near the front.

"What were you thinking of?" Destro asked.

"Specifically, a Dalek," the scientist replied.

"Let's just chill it with the _Doctor Who_ references now, okay?" Destro said. "Yes, I'm mad that I went from playing the star of a British cultural touchstone to the washed-up villain of a fanboy movie, but you don't have to rub it in my face."

A collective groan rose from the audience.

"This PowerPoint presentation is _over_," Destro snarled, stalking off stage.

As the audience left, General Hawk approached Destro. "Mr. McCullen, I was wondering when my nanomite warheads ship," Hawk said.

"They are shipping as we speak…just a heads up, Hawk, but you'll want to be careful with those," Destro said.

"Wait, here's a question…you've got the factory that makes these things, right?" Hawk asked.

"Yes."

"And the blueprints?"

"Yes."

"Then why don't you just make more warheads instead of stealing the ones that I already have in my possession?" Hawk asked. "Why don't you just delay shipping? Why don't you just-"

"General, screenwriters aren't known for their practicality," Destro said.

"Touché."

* * *

"So Duke, I have a question."

Duke tightened his grip on the steering wheel, and took a deep breath. "What is it, Ripcord?"

"Well, we've got these futuristic warheads, and these futuristic guns, and futuristic everything…and yet we still drive around in Hummers?" Ripcord looked expectantly at Duke.

"Apparently," Duke replied woodenly.

"And Duke? Please don't tell me that your lack of emotion is going to be a constant throughout this whole movie, because it's really getting on my nerves. I mean, seriously man, I'm having to talk about three times as much as normal to make up for your reticence, and I'm just getting more and more annoying every time I open my mouth," Ripcord said.

"Ripcord, do us all a favor and shut your face," Duke said.

"But I have some more foreshadowing that I need to do," Ripcord explained. "You see, I can fly lots of airplanes. In fact, I'm an amazing pilot. I'm so amazing, that the only thing the military could think to do with me is stick me in a car with a bunch of warheads."

Duke just stared straight ahead, apparently attempting to ignore Ripcord.

"So, Duke, what should I chatter about incessantly now?" Ripcord asked. "Women? Paris? You?"

"_Just. Shut. Up."_

Ripcord was about to launch into another monologue when an explosion shook the car. "Crap! It's the magic helicopter!"

"It's magic?" Duke asked, slightly puzzled.

"It comes bearing plot twists and unrealistic weaponry," Ripcord said.

"Great."

Not surprisingly, Duke and Ripcord's Hummer was blown to kingdom come. As the two men scrambled to retrieve the warheads, a woman in a black catsuit jumped from the helicopter and began to shoot people. Through some well-choreographed klutziness, she came face to face with Duke.

"Ana? Ana Lewis?" Duke asked.

"That's right, Duke," Ana replied. "It's your long-lost fiancée, Ana Lewis, available as 'The Baroness' for $6.99 at most locations. I'm here for the warheads."

"Ana, I can't let you do that," Duke said. "And are you sensing any onscreen chemistry?"

Ana responded by giving Duke a loving roundhouse kick to the face, managing, by some miracle, not to split the seams of her leather pants. "No, actually, I'm not," she replied, running after the nanomite warheads. "I wish Storm Shadow was here…"

* * *

_She never said that. Besides, it's a vain, unnecessary thing to put in a story._

"She was thinking it," Storm Shadow said. "I should have been there."

_Then where were you?_

"It's none of your business," Storm Shadow replied primly. "Shall we continue?"

* * *

Meanwhile, the rest of the American soldiers had been slaughtered like the redshirts they were. Ripcord was alone. Just as it seemed that Vipers would overtake him, another magic helicopter showed up. _Cripes! If this movie weren't completely brainless action, I would be looking for some symbolism_, he thought.

Down came Scarlett (available for $6.99 at Target ©), Snake Eyes (life-sized mask and sword set available for $25.99 at Target ©), Heavy Duty (also available for $6.99 at Target ©), and Breaker (also available for, you guessed it, $6.99) riding in another magical helicopter (which I'm sure you can also buy at Target, although I couldn't find it on the website.)

"Greetings, United States peon," Scarlett said. "NATO is here, having finally decided that this is important."

"But the battle is over," Ripcord said.

"Wow, if this wasn't completely brainless action, I would be looking for some symbolism," Duke said, walking up with his gun ready and aimed.

"That doesn't matter. Give us the warheads," Scarlett said.

"No," Duke replied. "We sort of almost got killed for these things."

"Fine then. Let's blow part of our CGI budget," Scarlett said. "That'll convince you. Breaker?"

Breaker sighed, and placed a prop on the ground. "That thing is going to produce a hologram," he said, and sure enough, a hologram popped up.

"Wow. You guys have lots of money to burn, don't you?" Ripcord asked.

"We're trying to disguise the ineptness of our actors by covering it with CGI," Breaker explained. "It worked for _Star Wars_, so we were pretty sure that it would work for us too."

"Hello. I'm General Hawk," the image said.

"Skype has really improved in the future," Ripcord murmured.

"This movie is moving to North Africa, where our super-secret base is," Hawk said.

"I thought the Pit was in New York," Duke said.

"Nope. New York is _so_ passé," Hawk replied. "Besides, we were only stationed there because every other Marvel hero in the universe – with the exception of the West Coast Avengers – was stationed there. Just because we never crossed over with them doesn't mean that there weren't…incidents."

Ripcord cocked an eyebrow.

"We're not affiliated with Marvel anymore," Hawk said. "That's just life."

"Spider-man didn't get sold," Scarlett said. "Neither did the X-Men, or the Avengers, or Howard the Duck for that matter. Why us?"

"I'm not privy to the inner workings of Marvel, Scarlett," Hawk replied. "All I know is-"

* * *

_Seriously, Tommy, where were you?_

"Snakes, it's rude to interrupt people," Storm Shadow said. "And I'm supposed to be the one with bad manners…"

_Can I assume that you just weren't in the movie, or that you were visiting that fabled woman in Tokyo?_

"If there was a woman in Tokyo, I wouldn't tell you about her," Storm Shadow replied. "Can we just-"

_Why?_

"Because if I did, the Joes would track her down and give her trouble. Now, we are ending this conversation about theoretical girlfriends, okay?"

_Who is she?_

"I'm not answering that."

_Better question: how much do you pay her?_

"I don't. And just for that, we're skipping directly to the helicopter scene-"

* * *

"So, who all is here?" Ripcord asked.

"I'm Scarlett. That's Heavy Duty, and this is Snake Eyes," Scarlett said.

"Snake Eyes, huh?"

Snake Eyes just stared at Ripcord like the antisocial psychopath that he is.

"Not a big talker I guess. Thank goodness. This way, I can hog lots and lots of screen time," Ripcord said. "Also, I can flirt with your love interest right in front of you! Hey Scarlett, if you were a pirate, would you put your parrot on your left shoulder…or your right?" Ripcord asked, leaning around to touch Scarlett's right shoulder and attempting to pull her into an embrace in the same motion.

Snake Eyes did nothing, once again hampered by either his inability to feel human emotion or his bizarre refusal to speak. Sometimes, one wonders why no one ever tried to put him out of his misery.

~~*~~

_Put me out of my misery?_ Snake Eyes asked, indignant.

"Freudian slip," Storm Shadow replied nonchalantly.

_It's still terrible._

"But you certainly can't begrudge me the thought, every now and again," Storm Shadow said.

_I didn't ruin your life_, Snake Eyes said.

"No, Snake Eyes, I like to give credit where it's due," Storm Shadow said. "And I have a continental breakfast with my name on it, so if you'll excuse me…" Storm Shadow swept up a duffel bag and headed for the bathroom.

Before he made it to safety, Snake Eyes caught his arm. _I want to tell the next bit_, he said.

Storm Shadow looked puzzled. "Sure. You only had to ask."

Snake Eyes smiled, and Storm Shadow couldn't help but wonder what lay behind those inscrutable blue eyes…


	3. Chapter 3

Casually, Storm Shadow entered the breakfast bar. He slowly surveyed the offerings: he'd never considered American food a treat, and the plastic pastries spread on the table seemed to him to be the dregs of a distasteful cup. He lingered by a pyramid of moisture-ravaged muffins when he met her eyes.

She stared at him hungrily from across the table, and the shallowness of her gaze both unnerving and puzzling. Storm Shadow stared back. Did she recognize him? Or was this one of his fabled fangirls, pried from her home under a figurative rock?

"Hi, I'm Lauren. I have long, straight, brownish-red hair that reaches my shoulders and hazel eyes. Scarlett is my half-sister, and I have a dark secret."

Storm Shadow blinked. "Do you always introduce yourself that way?"

Lauren frowned. "If you don't like it, don't review."

Storm Shadow resisted the urge to laugh. "It's considered polite to reply when someone introduces herself."

"I don't care if you don't like it," Lauren said. "You don't have to say anything."

"So, you're saying that I, who have mastered the social construct of introduction, should allow you to go through life embarrassing yourself?" Storm Shadow asked.

Lauren burst into tears.

Storm Shadow began to examine the breakfast bar again.

He didn't know what it was about him that made women cry, but he did know that the crying itself grated on his nerves like no other. Plus, women's faces tended to become red and puffy and utterly unattractive when they wept. Overall, it didn't make for an appealing combination.

But Lauren managed to recover herself. She wiped her tears, lip still quivering. "You're a jerk," she said. "You remind me of my old master, Stormshadow."

"Who?" Storm Shadow asked, suspicions about the American educational system confirmed.

"Stromshadow," Lauren replied. "He's a ninja."

"Really? Because he sounds like a professional wrestler to me," Storm Shadow replied. As he considered a blueberry muffin, Storm Shadow paused. "Is that your dark secret?"

"Yes," Lauren said, eyes wet with tears. "I was his best student, but I left when I found out how evil he was…"

Storm Shadow picked up the muffin, rolled his eyes, and turned to Lauren. "Why was he so evil?" Storm Shadow asked as innocently as he could. "Did he kidnap you? Chain you a pole in the backyard every night like a dog? Slaughter your family? Blackmail you? Or, in an unintentional parody of _The Castle of Otranto_, is he portrayed as a perverted mentor who only wants to get in your pants?"

Lauren looked confused. "_The Castle of Otranto_?"

"The first Gothic novel, in which every male character in the entire story, including the villain, tries to marry one female character," Storm Shadow explained.

Lauren frowned. "What's wrong with that?"

Storm Shadow smiled. "I see that the tradition of self-parody that's also found in _The Castle of Otranto_ is absent from your own work," he said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go."

* * *

"Hey, Snakes, guess who I just met," Storm Shadow said.

_A Mary Sue. Did you bring me anything?_

"No," Storm Shadow said, biting into his muffin.

Snake Eyes rolled his eyes. _Stop being so passive-aggressive_.

"The Mary Sue scared me off," Storm Shadow replied. "She was about three seconds away from recognizing me."

_I suppose that can be forgiven_.

"I think so too," Storm Shadow said. "So, since I've considerately given you extra time to think of your part of the story, it had better be good."

_You have no idea_. Snake Eyes smiled, and began.

* * *

"This is Zi – I mean, _the Pit_," Hawk said, gesturing broadly with his arm at the steep, rock-walled hole in the ground that was his base.

"Really? Because it looks like that Zion place from _The Matrix_," said Ripcord, looking around. "I mean, seriously. Big hole in the ground from which a small band of fighters combat a worldwide conspiracy? What does that sound like?"

"Actually, I was thinking Star Wars. Who would that make you, Rip: Han Solo, or Jar Jar Binks?" Duke asked.

Ripcord sighed. "I didn't write this."

Hawk led the Joes, Duke, and Ripcord back to a room with a large screen. "General, is it Movie Night?" asked Breaker.

"Can we watch _The Matrix_ again?" asked Heavy Duty.

"Guys, this room has a purpose that is greater than just watching _Star Wars_ in stereo," Hawk said. "We're going to use it to identify the mysterious woman who led the attack on Duke and Ripcord."

"But it's obvious," Scarlett said. "Trinity attacked us."

Hawk didn't dignify her remark with a response. The group entered the movie room, and Breaker sat down. "Well, this is our mysterious woman," he said, putting a picture of Baroness up on the main screen. "Anyone know anything?"

Duke said nothing, mostly because he's an idiot, but partially to contribute to a false sense of suspense created by inferior writers. As pictures of Baroness flashed, Breaker babbled about science fiction, and a greenshirt had an epileptic fit after watching the Baroness montage, Duke squinted. Finally, after what seemed an eternity of waiting, Duke spoke up.

"Her name is Ana. Ana Lewis." Duke stood up, fumbling in his breast pocket for a photograph.

"How do you know?" Hawk asked suspiciously.

"We were engaged," Duke said.

"I'm going to have to ask you some questions – hey, what's happening?" Hawk looked around, puzzled, as the scene began to fade to black.

"It's time for my first-ever flashback," Duke said. "Oh boy, I'm so excited! Snake Eyes gets one of these babies every time we're relaunched, and now it's finally my turn…"

* * *

"Isn't this romantic, Ana?" asked Duke. "Sitting around, eating food, me wearing my dress uniform…this is the life."

"Yeah, if you're one of the starring characters in _Army Wives_," Ana replied. "Seriously, you think this is romantic? Romantic is _tapas_ beneath a full moon in a public park. Romantic is you cooking me my favorite meal. Romantic is you writing me a song and then hauling a piano to the beach and singing it to me as the tide comes in. Romantic is holding me on the bow of an aircraft carrier and asking if I can 'feel the wind.' This isn't romantic; but, then again, I like it all the same."

"I know it isn't romantic yet, but it's about to be," Duke replied. "Ana, will you-"

"Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's CONNIE!"

Ripcord and Rex swayed up to the table, obviously inebriated. "How'd the proposal go, Con-Con?" Ripcord slurred.

"Yeah, dude, we've only been waiting in the bar for three hours!" Rex added.

"Why are you yelling?" Duke asked.

"We're not yelling!" Ripcord replied. "We're just trying to make sure you can hear us over all this loud music!"

"Who would've thought that things could get this wild?" Rex asked.

"Well, now that the cat's out of the bag…here Ana, this is for you," Duke said.

Ana examined the ring. "Conrad, it's beautiful," she whispered.

"Is it the sort of thing you would have picked out for yourself?" Duke asked.

"What do you think?" Ana asked, smiling wryly.

"I think I should stop asking questions about women and jewelry," Duke replied.

"Well, then I have a question for you," Ana said. "Why so sudden? We've been talking about this, but I never thought that you would propose so soon."

"I wanted to take care of business before I went back," Duke said.

Ana nodded, and looked over at Rex, who was attempting to put the moves on a large flowerpot. "And take care of my egghead brother, will you?" she said. "I don't know what I'd do if something happened to him over there."

Duke smiled paternalistically. "Of course, Ana," he said. "Anything for you."

* * *

"Rex, you have to run into that building that's about to be bombed!" Duke said.

"I dunno, Duke. That doesn't sound like a very good idea," Rex said. "What if the bombers come too early or something?"

"Don't worry, Rex," Duke said. "There's no way anyone can mess this up."

Rex looked unsure, but scampered into the building anyway. Then, in a completely unexpected plot twist, a couple of bombers streaked toward the building.

"REX! REX!" Duke began to run towards the building.

"What kind of stupid are you?" asked Ripcord. "You can't fly up and stop those airplanes! You'll just be blown to smithereens!"

"Storm Shadow saved Snake Eyes from the Viet Cong in a similar hopeless situation!" Duke said, struggling against Ripcord's grip. "I gotta try!"

"You're not a ninja," Ripcord replied. "Besides, all Storm Shadow did was dodge bullets. There's nothing you can do, Duke." Ripcord hustled Duke away just as the bunker was blown to kingdom come.

* * *

Rows of white tombstones flashed by as Duke rode a motorcycle in Arlington cemetery. Although it seemed sort of disrespectful, the cameraman insisted that it made for an awesome shot, so the producer just went with it. Duke stopped the bike about a hundred yards from Rex's funeral. He watched silently as the flag was folded and the empty casket lowered six feet below.

Just before it ended, he gunned the motor and rode away like the coward he was.

* * *

"Well, that's a happy note to end things on," Storm Shadow said.

_I'm not really known for my happy, random, cheery attitude_, Snake Eyes replied.

"True that," Storm Shadow said, crumpling his muffin paper and tossing it into the garbage can. Glancing at Snake Eyes sidelong, Storm Shadow frowned. "Is this the longest we've ever talked without fighting?" he asked.

_In this universe, yes,_ Snake Eyes replied.

Storm Shadow shrugged. "Well, then, maybe you aren't nearly as unbearable as I thought."


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: At this point, I'm going purely by memory and the Wikipedia synopsis of _The Rise of Cobra_. I no longer really remember what happened precisely; besides, if I do every single scene from the movie, this story will be ridiculously long. So disregard what I said earlier about skipping scenes: it's become a necessity.

* * *

Lauren opened the door to Room 335. After describing the room with woefully trite adjectives and little regard for lyricism, she entered.

"Guess who I met today, girls?" she asked, plopping down on a cheap hotel bed.

"Snake Eyes! Omigawd, he's so HAWT!" screamed Paige. "Did you see his face? Did you touch him? Did you _kiss_?"

"No, I didn't meet Snake Eyes," Lauren said sharply. "If I met Snake Eyes, do you really think I would have come back to tell you?"

"You promised to share," Paige said, face sullen and betrayed.

'yeah you did laurn.' Said Stefanie, brushing her long hare behind her shoulders.

"What did you say?" asked Lauren, looking bewildered.

"With grammar like that, who can tell?" asked Paige.

"Pie!" said Kira, the resident Random!Sue.

No one laughed except her friend Callie, the Friendship!Sue. "You're so funny and random, Kira!" Callie said.

Kira replied by spraying Callie with shaving cream. The other girl laughed still harder.

"Please, feel free to whip yourself until you bleed the stupid dry," said a voice from the corner. "Since when was visual humor workable in a fanfiction…or any book, for that matter?"

"If you don't like it, don't review!" snapped Callie.

"So I've been told."

"Who are you anyway?" asked Lauren. "You don't smell like a Sue."

"I'm not a Sue. I'm a device used to present the author's rhetoric. You can call me the Devil's Advocate."

Lauren rolled her eyes, and Paige just looked confused. "Anyway, any other guesses who I met?"

The Devil's Advocate was about to reply when Kira shot her with a Nerf gun. As the Devil's Advocate glared claymores at the Random!Sues, Lauren smiled.

"Well, then I'll tell you. I met a mysterious man at the breakfast bar. He was wearing white. I have _no clue_ who he is," Lauren said.

The Devil's Advocate rolled her eyes. "Gee, who's the only man in GI Joe who wears white all the time?"

Lauren shrugged, eyes bright. "I don't know! That's why it's such a great mystery."

* * *

"What now, Hawk?" Scarlett asked.

"We bring out The Suits," Hawk said.

"The Suits?" asked Ripcord. "Like the ones in _Iron Man_?"

"Nothing like that," Hawk said. "We would never copy another movie just because it was ridiculously successful."

"But everyone knows that Hollywood relies on archetypes and clichés to draw in audiences over and over again," Scarlett said.

"Not this movie," Hawk said. "We got these at a garage sale, actually. A bunch of weapons contractors got together to sell all their worthless old stuff, and I picked up a couple of these suits and a coffee machine for a hundred bucks. It was an absolute steal."

"So, you're saying we got Iron Man's garbage?" Ripcord asked.

"I think I would prefer the word 'recycled'," Hawk replied.

* * *

"Here, Snake Eyes. Fight Duke with this thing," Hawk said, handing Snake Eyes an electrified billy club on steroids.

_Did you get this at that garage sale too?_ Snake Eyes asked.

"Yeah. It was over in the _Star Wars: Attack of the Clones_ section," Hawk said.

_Tell me: how are these going to help me in a real battle?_ Snake Eyes asked.

"They just look good, okay?" Hawk said.

Snake Eyes shrugged, and promptly wiped the floor with Duke. Duke stumbled to his feet, in obvious pain. "Again," he said.

Snake Eyes drew a taser from his hip and fired.

Hawk looked stunned. "Snake Eyes, what was that?"

_Well, getting tased is pretty much the same as getting hit with an energy baton thing_, Snake Eyes replied. _Besides, I have other recruits to work with. I can't have him clogging up the works._

Hawk frowned. "That was a critical part of the training montage!"

Snake Eyes shrugged. _Look, if you really want a great montage, I'll go punch some steaks in a meat locker, and Breaker agreed to drink some raw eggs. Heavy Duty said he'd pull a train car if necessary._

Hawk said nothing. There was no dealing with his team when they got like this.

* * *

After a long day, Duke liked to relax in the weight room. He'd asked Ripcord to spot for him, mostly as a distraction. Ripcord was very, very good at being distracting.

"Did you know that Scarlett graduated from college when she was 11?" Ripcord asked. "She's like a deadly little genius."

"Uh huh," Duke said.

"And inexplicably, I find prodigies really attractive, despite the fact that my character is dopey and shallow. So I'm thinking I go up and try some cheesy pickup lines on her." Ripcord waited for Duke's response.

"That's cool."

"Duke, I can tell when your heart really isn't in this," Ripcord said. "Although my character can seem a little clueless at times, I'm not completely blind. Do you think I should read the Cliff Notes to _Faust_ to impress her?"

"Who wrote it?" Duke asked.

Ripcord shrugged. "I can never remember if it was Christopher Marlowe or Goethe."

Duke smirked. "That's what you get for not going to college." Duke settled in for another press, and lifted the weights just as Ripcord skipped off to go flirt.

"Rip? Rip!" Duke cried, squirming beneath the weights. "Rip, it's fallen and I can't get up!"

Meanwhile, Scarlett was attempting to read a book on the Aufbau Principle while Ripcord provided a running commentary. What the writers of the script failed to realize is that the Aufbau Principle is actually a basic concept of quantum mechanics that is taught in high school chemistry. If the writers had wanted to show how smart and nerdy Scarlett is, she probably should have read something well known and instantly recognizable, like Darwin's _On the Origin of Species_. The significance of this suggestion is twofold: first, evolution is about as scientific and cold as one can get; second, the prose is almost impenetrable, and it would be a show of brainpower to plow through it.

But reading choice regardless, Scarlett was having none of Ripcord.

"So, what you're trying to say is that you're attracted to me," Scarlett said.

"Right."

"Unfortunately, attraction is subjective. It cannot be proven, and I don't believe in it," Scarlett said.

"That's too bad. You don't know what you're missing," Ripcord said.

"That isn't much of a counter argument," Scarlett replied, turning to leave. A smooth-gloved hand brushed her arm just as she reached the door.

_My little Baroness d'Holbach, you have a fresh mouth and stale logic_, Snake Eyes signed.

"What did you call me?" Scarlett asked.

_The Baron d'Holbach was a French Enlightenment philosopher known for his vehement atheism and refusal to accept arguments _a priori;_ that is, he refused to admit that there are truths which are known but cannot be empirically proven, and are instead simply known._

"Which means what?" Scarlett asked.

_For example, do you love your mother?_

"Of course," Scarlett replied. "It's a purely biological function used to keep children from dying in infancy, but yes, I love her."

_But you can't prove it_.

"It's logical."

_And now you're using Ockham 's razor, a weak argument coming from an Empiricist like you_._ Your precious empiricism is nothing more than provability from within the cage of human perception. Although self-consciousness presupposes external objects, the interaction of those objects is nothing more than our perception, because space and time are the only sensible ways in which humans can perceive. You can no more prove that your height than you can prove, for example, that I love you._

"But if I'm to accept transcendent knowledge, then you know if you love me," Scarlett said. "And so, all I have to do is ask."

Snake Eyes smiled. _Come catch me after the movie. I have a copy of Kant's_ Argument Against Pure Reason_ that I think you might find most enlightening._

Scarlett smiled. "Thanks. I was rereading this, anyway," she said, gesturing to the Aufbau book.

Ripcord crossed his arms. "What just happened there?" he asked.

"I think the author just stated their preferences in pairings," Duke said.

"No, that was obvious," Ripcord said. "Snake Eyes just waved his hands around for almost five minutes, and Scarlett understood every word of it?"

Duke shrugged. "Rip, it's a fanfiction. Snake Eyes can't communicate visually, and since he is one of the main characters, there has to be _some_ way for him to talk."

"He never signed on screen in the movie," Ripcord retorted.

"Maybe he's camera shy?" Duke suggested.

Ripcord just shook his head. This was bias, and there was nothing he could do about it. Perhaps, he thought, this was how Snake Eyes had felt for all these years.

* * *

"So when _I_ tell the story, it's too biased and personal, and yet you just paired yourself up with Scarlett and made yourself look like a philosophy professor." Storm Shadow raised a skeptical eyebrow.

_Fine. You get the next two sections_, Snake Eyes said. _Deal?_

Storm Shadow smiled slightly, the very corner of his mouth curled into a smirk. "Deal," he said. "Now, brother, I have a question for you."

_What?_ Snake Eyes asked.

"Did Scarlett ever get your copy of _Argument Against Pure Reason_?"

Snake Eyes crossed his arms, fingers tapping against his forearm.

"Lost your chance, didn't you?" Storm Shadow asked. Snake Eyes said nothing.

"I see now why you ran," Storm Shadow said.

_I ran because the Sues wanted to mischaracterize me to death. They think I forgive all. They think it's cute when I'm protective. They think that my choice not to talk is tied to your death. They think I'm available –_

"Snake Eyes, I hate to break it to you, but in this fandom you are available," Storm Shadow replied. "And besides, any fool knows that your vow of silence has more to do with your terrible stutter than any affection you felt for my uncle."

_Shut up_.

"Personally, I like you better this way," Storm Shadow said. "Partially because it allows me more time to talk, partially because it proves what a nut case you are, and partially because it was painful listening to you talk."

Snake Eyes glowered at Storm Shadow. Storm Shadow was nonplussed.

"It really was, Snakes," Storm Shadow said. "And despite the fact that I started calling you Porky Pig, there was a part of me that winced when Hard Master tried to, eh, _help_ you."

Snake Eyes sighed. _He wasn't the most forgiving of men, was he?_

"No." Storm Shadow fiddled with the hem of his tee shirt, rubbing the thin cotton back and forth between forefinger and thumb. "Perhaps that's half the reason you came to me: we've suffered together before."

_Tommy, who else would I go to?_

Storm Shadow shrugged. "You've got me beat, Snakes. On the other hand, if I'm your bestest ever friend in the whole wide world, well…you've really got to get out more."


	5. Chapter 5

When someone calls you 'a freaking saint,' they can mean a variety of things. If they are a fan of the Detroit Lions, they may be referring to the complete slaughter wreaked on their team by the New Orleans Saints. If they are a Protestant, they may be referring to your recent canonization by the Roman Catholic Church. If that phrase is modified by 'Boondock' and is uttered by a Russian mobster, then it is a reference to the cult classic _The Boondock Saints_, a movie about two Irish brothers who become vigilantes.

Storm Shadow meant none of these things.

_I'm not a saint_, Snake Eyes said. _I'm just a normal guy._

"Come _on_ Snakes," Storm Shadow said, beginning to pace. "Your family is killed in a car accident, you can't or won't speak, I destroy the foster family that loved you like their own…and you're just a regular, happy, well-adjusted dude? How does that work?"

Snake Eyes said nothing.

"And then there's me. My entire family was destroyed too. I was framed for a crime I didn't commit-"

_You and everyone else in federal prison_.

"-disowned, cast into the streets, hunted by a ninja clan-"

_Well, whose fault was that?_

"And so, because of some really terrible parenting and unfortunate circumstances, I become a terrorist. Isn't that how any normal person would react?" Storm Shadow asked. "Why isn't that sympathetic? Why isn't that absolutely _heart-wrenching_?"

_I don't think most normal people would become terrorists_.

"The point, Snake Eyes, is not specifically that I became a terrorist. The point is that I was angry and hurt, and instead of just sitting around and not hurting people, I made a stupid decision. I'm human, unlike some people around here." Storm Shadow stopped pacing and looked pointedly at Snake Eyes.

_Are you saying I'm not a realistic character?_ Snake Eyes asked.

"No Snakes, I'm saying that you're so lifelike that I swear I've lived next door to you all my life," Storm Shadow said sarcastically.

_Then you hate me_.

Storm Shadow sighed expansively. "No, I don't. Somehow, I can't bring myself to dislike you even though your inexplicable charisma drives me crazier than a stubborn hangnail."

_And despite the fact that you can't understand why you tolerate my presence, I can't seem to hate you either_, Snake Eyes said.

For a moment, the two men simply stared at one another. Finally, Snake Eyes spoke.

_This would be a great lead-in to the yaoi chapter_.

"Hush. That isn't for a while yet," Storm Shadow said.

* * *

Ana de Cobray futzed with her glasses. She hated them with a passion, but she'd dropped her contacts down the sink on the way to attack Duke. By the time she'd found them, her contacts were nothing more than shriveled, bluish husks of their former selves. Bugger her bad eyes. As rich as she was, she was surprised she hadn't gotten Lasik yet.

"Nastia, did you have a good trip?"

The Baroness sighed, looking around her boudoir for a means of escape. "Of course," she replied. "What made you think I didn't?"

"You didn't tell me where you were going," said the Baron de Cobray.

"I never do, and this is the first time you've had a problem," the Baroness replied.

"I've been putting the pieces together, Nastia," the Baron said. "First, you start 'training' with that boy toy of yours, Tommy Whatshisface. Then, you start doing business with Mr. McCullen. Then, you start going to strange places all over the world without telling me."

"What has this led you to believe, dear Baron?"

"You're having an affair." Ana smiled noncommittally at the Baron, who appeared close to tears. "Tell me it's not true, Nastia," he begged. "Tell me I'm wrong."

"You're wrong," Ana said.

"You're just _saying_ that," the Baron wailed. "You don't love me…you never loved me! You married me for my money, you gold digger…"

As the Baron ranted, Ana glanced down the hall from the East Wing of the house and did a double take. Hadn't she told Storm Shadow to stop breaking in to her bedroom?

"Sweetheart, I'll come show you how satisfied I am in a moment," she said. "Just let me freshen up. It's been a long trip."

The Baron gathered her into his arms and kissed her. "Oh, Ana…" Suddenly, he sniffed. "Why do you smell like gun smoke?"

"No reason," she said. "It must just be my mousse."

With that, the Baron left. As soon as the door closed, Ana turned on Storm Shadow.

"Tommy, he thinks you're my lover," she hissed.

"That explains why he almost had an aneurysm when I came by earlier today," Storm Shadow said. "I asked if you were in, and he said that you weren't and that I should know that. I asked why I should know that, and he started screaming in French. I don't speak French, so I showed myself out and broke in through that window in the back with the broken lock."

Ana rolled her eyes. "I'm so impressed," she said. "Anyway, why do you need to see me?"

"I am going to escort you to a lovely trashing of the José's base to retrieve those warheads you failed to get," Storm Shadow said. "Even though you're still my favorite student, I'm in awe of your incompetence."

"Why doesn't Destro just make more warheads?" Ana asked.

Storm Shadow shrugged. "Generally, I don't question the actions of my gravy train," he said. "Speaking of Destro, he said I should kill your husband if he touches you again."

"He's about to touch me all over," Ana replied.

"I don't plan on watching that," Storm Shadow said. "And as long as I don't see it, well…it's all hearsay, right?"

Ana sighed. "Well, what are you going to do whilst I go, uh, improve the Baron's performance in the laboratory?"

"What I usually do when I'm alone in your room," Storm Shadow said, smiling lasciviously.

Ana said nothing, and hurried off to do something else euphemistic to her Baron.

* * *

_You were alone in her bedroom multiple times?!_

"It's not like I was stealing her underwear or anything," Storm Shadow said. "Usually, I just took a nap on her window seat. Now, as to what she _thought_ I was doing, I have no clue."

_Duke would kill you if he ever found out._

"I'm not exactly planning on meeting up with Duke," Storm Shadow said. "And I certainly wouldn't tell him about my sojourns into the Baroness's bedroom. I get the feeling he's still a little sour with me for stabbing General Hawk, even though he should really be grateful to me for freeing up Ana."

_Nothing ever happened between you, did it?_

"Me and Duke? No. That's a stupid question. I don't believe I've ever met the man except to bash him around with a suitcase," Storm Shadow replied.

_You and Baroness_.

"Still a stupid question. Duke loves her, McCullen's in lust with her, she was married most of the time I knew her, plus her protective brother was close at hand. Honestly, Snakes, do you think anything could ever have happened under circumstances like those?"

Snake Eyes shrugged. _With you, I never know_.

* * *

It was a fine day in Zion until the Machines arrived.

They came from the world above, boring down into the bedrock of the Sahara like weevils through Cream of Wheat. Bursting through one rock wall of the Pit, the Machines came to a halt. Storm Shadow, Baroness and Zartan stepped out.

"Wow, it's like _The Matrix_ down here," Storm Shadow said, looking around. "Good thing I brought my Seraph costume!"

"You look like such a dork," Baroness sneered.

"Well, Trinity, I wouldn't be talking," Storm Shadow replied. "Come on, let's go get those warheads."

Moments later, Hawk was alerted to the presence of the Terrible Trio by Cover Girl…at least, it's assumed that it's Cover Girl, although it's never really stated…well, for the sake of argument, Hawk was alerted by the female Joe who may or may not be Cover Girl, who slumped to the floor with a knife in her back.

"Zartan, Zartan, Zartan, why are we killing innocent women?" Storm Shadow asked.

"Because I'm a psychopath. I know you don't kill them, Heaven knows why, but you really don't know what you're missing," Zartan said.

"I don't kill them because there are so many other, more fun things to do with them," Storm Shadow said. "Besides, this one is a _model_, Zartan. Even though she's taller than me, a man can't help but dream."

"I thought that it was because you're actually an honorable person who just happens to be working for the wrong side," Baroness said.

"This is a parody, Baroness. Bear with me here," Storm Shadow said, slicing Hawk's back open with the ease of a Cuisinart processing butter. "Grab those warheads and let's get a move on."

As the Triumphant Trio hurried back to the Machines, they were waylaid by the Joes, who seemed determined to hold on to the warheads.

The battle was confusing, to say the least. Between the seizure-inducing cuts and rapid-fire martial arts battles, it was almost impossible to tell what was going on. However, the salient points are these:

Baroness and Scarlett fought; Scarlett lost

Duke tried to break Baroness's brainwashing and failed like the miserable loser he is

In a shocking turn of events, Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes are rivals

Ripcord acted Agent Carter from _Rush Hour_

Storm Shadow and Baroness got away

Zartan turned tail and ran when there were no more women to kill. As he sneaked out of the Joe base, he couldn't help but be thankful that he played a relatively small part in this movie. Anything more and he might consider impersonating a Wall Street analyst and jumping off a tall, tall building.


	6. Chapter 6

"Snakes, do you have a name?"

_Of course I have a name_, Snake Eyes said. _My name is Snake Eyes_.

"No. A _real_ name, not a strange nickname that people keep trying to abbreviate to 'Snake,' despite the fact that it completely changes the meaning," Storm Shadow said.

_If I did, I wouldn't tell you_, Snake Eyes said.

"Then you don't."

_Not really, no. I'm actually a super soldier, born without a name. I do, however, have a serial number_.

"Really."

_Yes. DIE-1-1_.

"Then what about your sister? And your parents? How does that tie in to this absurd retcon?" Storm Shadow asked.

_Terri…well, I think the word 'podmate' might be more accurate. As for my parents, Terri and I were placed with a normal family once the program's budget was cut, although you can probably guess that it didn't last long_, Snake Eyes said.

"No, although it does explain your superhuman martial arts abilities and uncanny resemblance to the original Captain America. Heck, between our little escapade in the Arctic and all those Iron Man suits running around, we're edging dangerously close to copyright infringement," Storm Shadow said.

_Let's just go to Paris_, Snake Eyes said.

"Yes, Snakes. We'll always have Paris," Storm Shadow said rapturously.

_Please stop quoting _Casablanca_ before I bite you. Remember, I have poisonous teeth_.

* * *

"Hey Baroness, look! It's the Arc de-"

* * *

_You're forgetting Scarlett and Ripcord's awkward romance scene in the locker room_, Snake Eyes said.

"I never thought that the Army would have coed locker rooms, given their stance on fraternization," Storm Shadow said. "I was just going to skip that part because it made no sense."

_Since when did GI Joe follow regulations? Let's just be honest: if we did, the story would be really, really boring_, Snake Eyes said. _Put it in._

* * *

Scarlett rubbed her neck in a feeble attempt to lessen the pain. Despite the fact that neck injuries are usually pretty important, Scarlett had neglected to seek medical attention. For a moment, it was beginning to appear as though Baroness's kick had knocked some of her smarts out.

"Hey, you alright?" Ripcord asked, walking up behind Scarlett.

"I'm fine, really…_hold me_," Scarlett cried, flinging herself into Ripcord's arms.

"Uh, I thought you hated me," Ripcord said.

"My father was a rabid karate dad," Scarlett sobbed. "He would scream at me if I lost…so I learned not to lose. Now, I'm dreading the next time I see him because I _know_ he'll find out."

"Sweetheart, this is a highly classified military operation. Your crazy dad isn't going to find out about this one," Ripcord said.

"Even the UN can't stop helicopter parents," Scarlett wailed. "He's already given me a vicarious ulcer and high blood pressure. Plus, he managed to convince Hawk to forward him all my performance reviews to him, so if Hawk knows about this, he'll find out."

"But you're an adult. Hawk can't do that anymore," Ripcord said.

"I said he could," Scarlett admitted. "Because as terrible as his disapproval is, there's nothing better than my father saying he's proud of me."

Ripcord's eyes narrowed. _This lady is a nut job_, he thought. "Well, Scarlett, I think you'll have to do some soul-searching," he said, backing away slowly.

Just as he was about to escape, Scarlet turned around again. "Ripcord, what were you doing in the women's bathroom?" she asked.

"Uh…wrong turn," Ripcord replied, dashing away.

* * *

"Hey Baroness, look! It's the Arc de Triomphe! And the Place de la Concorde. Man, there's nothing like driving near the Champs-Elyseés to remind someone why not to explode a bomb in Paris," Storm Shadow said. "Did you ask Destro what he was thinking when he chose Paris to kill?"

"I didn't," Baroness replied. "They're his warheads, we will blow them up where he chooses."

"Look, I'm not saying that I'm against committing a major act of terror against the world. I am, after all, an evildoer at heart. What I'm saying is that we should blow an ugly city to hell, not Paris. How about Detroit?" Storm Shadow asked. "The nanomites can eat the shells of the car factories that were once the heart of American capitalism."

"We chose Paris because that's where my husband lives," Baroness replied. "He's the one who can weaponize the warheads for us, so he's the one whose city we blow up."

"You realize that Europe is a really tiny continent with open borders," Storm Shadow said. "There is no limit to the number of cities we could blow up. Berlin, The Hague, Madrid, Lyon, the entire country of Monaco, ditto on San Marino, the Vatican, Barcelona, almost all of Belgium, Luxembourg, Vienna…most of them are within a reasonable driving distance. So why Paris?"

"I think Destro has a grudge," Baroness said. "Something about the Louis the Fifteenth. You know that creepy mask he always wears to office Halloween parties? It has something to do with that."

"And everyone says I need to learn to let go," Storm Shadow said.

Baroness smiled slightly, saying nothing. Just as the pair lapsed into silence, their Hummer pulled up at de Cobray Laboratories. Storm Shadow and Baroness jumped out.

Storm Shadow burst through the double doors with the panache of a gunfighter, the aggravating clop of Baroness's high heels following close behind.

"Shall you check in, or shall I?" Baroness asked.

"Why do we need to kill innocent people?" Storm Shadow asked.

"To show how bad we are," Baroness replied. "How will people know we're bad if we don't kill innocent people?"

"Maybe blowing up Paris will convince them," Storm Shadow said. "Destroying part of a city certainly worked for Osama bin Laden; I see no reason why it won't work for us. Then, maybe we can make some crappy home videos in which we threaten to do more stuff, but then fail to follow through until we fade from the world's collective psyche like a bruise."

Baroness frowned. "Why do you talk like that? It's like you're the author's pathetic little mouthpiece or something."

"Maybe I am. Or maybe you're just jealous because I'm their favorite," Storm Shadow said. "Come on, Nastia. Let's go harass your husband."

* * *

"What do you want?"

Baron de Cobray, already edgy about the murder of a receptionist, an assistant, a lab tech, two janitors, fifteen mice he was keeping around for testing, and the three security guards who had greeted Storm Shadow in an Asian language other than Japanese, looked at his visitors with guarded suspicion.

"We want you to weaponize these things," Baroness said.

"I – I don't have the correct programming," Baron de Cobray said.

"Can you find it if I threaten you with this?" Storm Shadow asked, pulling out a shuriken.

"No."

"How about this?" Storm Shadow asked, pulling out a knife.

"It will take me a little while," the Baron replied.

"How about this?" Storm Shadow asked, pulling out a wazikashi.

"Maybe," Baron de Cobray admitted.

"This?" Storm Shadow whipped out a katana.

"Within minutes," Baron de Cobray replied.

"But I want it now," Storm Shadow said, producing a naginata. "I'm not a patient man, Baron."

Baron de Cobray sat down to work.

As Storm Shadow and Baroness watched in fabricated amazement, the warhead obtained some little gold sparks to liven up its lime-green interior. "Well, that was a little anticlimactic," Storm Shadow said. "Come on, Nastia, let's-"

Hearing what sounded (ironically enough) like frenching somewhere behind him, Storm Shadow turned around to find Baroness playing some serious tonsil hockey with the Baron. "Look, guys, just stop, okay? I'm sure you remember what Destro told me, Nastia…"

"Did it ever occur to you that I might be doing this on purpose?" Baroness snapped. "This way, I get all his money instead of just half."

"Oh." Storm Shadow frowned. "Look, as much as I like my job, I'm a guy too. I sort of feel for the Baron, you know? He's still completely ignorant to your illegal activities, to the fact that you're cheating on him with two different men, to your complete distaste for him…it sort of reminds me of my first crush, only more pathetic. Which reminds me: WHEREVER YOU ARE, KATIE H., TELL ME WHO HAS COOTIES _NOW?!_"

"Katie H.?" Baroness asked.

"She was the smartest girl in my English class," Storm Shadow replied, eyes far away. "I think she was German. Anyway, she had these long, blonde braids that she could practically sit on, and I would pull them when the teacher wasn't looking to profess my ardor. Of course, she didn't get it, and considering we were both about eight at the time, I shouldn't have been surprised about the cooties remark. I wonder what happened to her…"

"Are you going to stab him or not?" Baroness demanded.

"Baroness, I just recited the story of my own youthful heartbreak by the coldest woman ever to come from the far north," Storm Shadow. "Do you really think I'm going to stab your husband for the simple crime of loving his wife?"

"Fine, then I'll do it," Baroness said, pulling a gun and shooting from the hip.

Baron de Cobray fell to the ground screaming.

"What did you do?" Storm Shadow asked, looking down at the supine figure.

"I think I just made my castration of his character more than figurative," Baroness said. "If this doesn't make him more whipped than ever, I don't know what will."

"KILL ME NOW! AUUUUUUGGHH!" the Baron cried.

Without another word, Storm Shadow decapitated the Baron. When Storm Shadow looked back at the Baroness, her face wore a look that spoke of puzzlement.

"That's no way for a man to live," Storm Shadow said. "Besides, he asked."

"Let's just go," Baroness said, stalking away with the suitcase that contained the newly-weaponized nanomites.

"No moment of silence? No sympathy for the dead?" Storm Shadow asked.

"He's dead. He doesn't care," she snapped.

Storm Shadow looked at the headless body of the Baron, lying prone on the floor, to the black-suited form of Baroness. "You know, you're a lot more like a black widow than you want to admit," he said.

"Oh, come on," Baroness said. "It's not like I'm about to suck him dry with my fangs or anything. We have a large metal structure to blow up."

Storm Shadow sighed, carefully picking his way around bodies to avoid bloodying the cuffs of his white pants. As he followed Baroness out, he made a mental note to never trust her again. He was far too interested in keeping himself in one piece for that.


	7. Chapter 7

"Be careful. Hawk doesn't know when Iron Man's next garage sale is." Heavy Duty glowered at Ripcord, who replied with what primatologists call a 'fear grin.'

"It's okay," Ripcord replied. "I'll be fine…crap!"

"I didn't see _that_ coming," Heavy Duty muttered, glaring at Ripcord's sprawled form. "Way to avoid subverting the cliché, you bloody screen-writing hacks!"

"I think something broke," Ripcord moaned.

_Your water?_ Snake Eyes suggested.

"Come on, Snakes," Heavy Duty said. "You need to chase Cobra's Humvee. We're vaguely ticked with them for murdering Baroness's husband."

"Any man stupid enough to trust Baroness probably deserves to die before he can pollute the gene pool," Scarlett said. "It's simple natural selection."

"Stop talking like the dust jacket of _The Darwin Awards_ and steal someone's Vespa," Heavy Duty snapped.

"What about us?" A woman – both heinously lovely and shallow-eyed – stepped from the transport behind Heavy Duty.

"Who are you?" Scarlett asked.

"I'm your half-sister, Lauren. You always hated me because I'm more beautiful than you," Lauren said, tossing her hair in an inexplicable breeze. "I ran away from home because you were so evil, and then I ended up Storm Shadow's apprentice. Even though he's a jerk, even though he's a player, even though he's expressed only apathy towards me, I _know_ he loves me. There's a lost little boy down there somewhere who I'm going to help," Lauren said, eyes suddenly filling with tears. "And then, I have this attraction to Snake Eyes now that I'm on the team, and I'm very confused. But I'm more in love with Storm Shadow for now, unless too many people review and want Snake Eyes."

"Why are you here if you're in love with him?" Scarlett asked. "And why don't I remember having a half-sister?"

"I'm going to betray you dramatically later," Lauren said. "I'm really a sleeper agent. Can I describe my eye makeup in copious detail now?"

"What's your code name?" Scarlett asked Lauren.

"Well, I would assume it follows Scarlett's nickname, which would suggest another reference to Southern literature. My money is on Polly, since Aunt Polly was a pivotal character in _Tom Sawyer_," Ripcord said.

"I think it's Maxine, like the antagonist from Tennessee Williams's _Night of the Iguana_," Heavy Duty said.

_Is it Janie, the remarkable, strong main character of Zora Neale Hurston's _Their Eyes Were Watching God?_ Or perhaps Caddy, the true hero of William Faulkner's epic _The Sound and the Fury?

"You're all wrong. It's Daisy," Lauren said.

"Daisy?" Scarlett asked.

"You know, like Daisy Duke, the other quintessential southern woman besides Scarlett O'Hara," Lauren said.

Screaming and gnashing of teeth ensued.

* * *

"I can still recall/my last mission./I can see it aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall!/Shooting tourists – BAM!/'Round the Notre Dame/My last mission/Now we're on the lam!"

Storm Shadow glared over at the Viper that was driving. "Baroness, explain to me why the nanomites didn't erase Pavarotti over there's ability to make ridiculous parodies of ABBA songs."

Baroness shrugged. "Maybe it's part of his ability to feel no pain."

"There are people in this world who actually have the congenital inability to feel pain," Storm Shadow said. "They tend to die young from cuts they never knew they had, just like this one is about to."

Baroness turned to the Viper. "Shut up," she said.

"We'll drive too fast along the river/'til we find ourselves beside/the luckless Eiffel Tower./And pretty soon/we will come close to dying/when this car/suddenly goes flying/A stupid chance/that almost got us killed in France!" the Viper wailed.

"I thought they were completely obedient," Storm Shadow said.

"Do you think Destro programmed them in another language?" Baroness asked.

"They speak English in Scotland," Storm Shadow said.

"What about Gaelic?" Baroness asked.

"Scottish Gaelic and Irish Gaelic are different languages," Storm Shadow replied. "It's like trying to speak to an English speaker in Frisian – very close, but not close enough. For example, the words 'al' and 'fol' are cognates for their English meanings – all and full. But how about 'acht' and 'njoggen'? Once the cognates are gone, there's no way to figure it out."

"I know it! I know eighteen different languages!" chirped a voice.

"How did you get in the car?" Baroness demanded.

"I've been here all along. You just didn't notice me," the girl said, smiling coyly. "Konnichiwa, Arashikage-senpai!"

"Who _are_ you?" Storm Shadow asked. "And why are you speaking Japanese with a horrible American accent?"

"I'm Baroness's sister, Selena, and I work for Cobra," Selena said. "I'm a bad guy, and that makes me not a Sue. I'm also in love with Snake Eyes, and Duke, and possibly Destro."

"How did you manage to pick the three least attractive men in this movie to be your love interests?" Baroness asked. "Destro I could see, but the other two…"

"But Snake Eyes is so HAWT! And Duke is so…_manly_."

"Duke has the acting skills of an overcooked potato, and Snake Eyes wears a mask for a reason," Storm Shadow snapped. "Now, get out of my car."

"But I work for Cobra," Selena said, a whine beginning to work its way into her voice.

"No, you don't," Storm Shadow said. "The Joes might be tolerant of Sues, but we're not."

"And you know what we do to Sues we don't want?" Baroness asked. Selena shook her head.

Moments later, a woman tumbled onto the street with a crunchy thump. She had been shot several times, and the car she fell from accelerated as it pulled away from her. Bystanders paid her no notice, and the Joes simply ran by: no one recognized her.

* * *

"I can still recall/my last mission/I can see it all!/Running near the Seine/My comments not germane/My last mission/I'll drive you all insane!" Ripcord warbled.

Duke continued to ignore him, eyes straight ahead.

"Duke, can you even hear me?" Ripcord asked.

No reply.

"Seriously, man, it's kind of important that we communicate," Ripcord said.

Duke said nothing.

"HEY! DUKE! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!" Ripcord screamed.

"What?" Duke asked, surprised. "I'm sorry Rip, I turned off the external sound. What was that?"

"How'd you figure out how to do that?" Ripcord asked.

"I read the manual. Besides, necessity is a powerful motivator," Duke said.

"Why does the author keep trying to imply that you hate me?" Ripcord asked.

Duke shrugged. "You know, literature is open for interpretation," he said. "Run faster."

* * *

_Whump!_

"Snake Eyes! Get off the car!" Storm Shadow yelled, banging on the roof. "Just because Hard Master couldn't shut up about your natural balance doesn't mean he was actually telling the truth! He was just stroking your ego, you vain sycophant!"

"He's not up here alone, Master Storm!" called a voice.

"Who's Master Storm?" Storm Shadow whispered to Baroness.

"I don't know," she whispered back. "Another mangling of your name?"

"No one could get it that wrong," Storm Shadow replied. "Who's Master Storm?" he yelled.

"You are!" the voice on top of the car screamed back. "It's me, Lauren!"

Storm Shadow frowned. "I don't know any Laurens!"

"Yes you do! I was your student!" Lauren replied. "I wore tight black pants and a long-sleeved black shirt that hugged my curves, with black eyeliner and mascara! Don't you remember me?"

"You mean the one I have a restraining order against?" Storm Shadow asked. "The one who insisted she was my student and followed me home, and then refused to leave me alone when I said that I didn't know her, and then gave me some fantastic story about being Scarlett's sister?"

"You were my fiancé!" Lauren cried. "We were young and in love, but then, through a horrible misunderstanding perpetuated by Slice, I thought you had betrayed me! I told everyone that I hated you, but deep down I still loved you! Just recently I found what happened, and I joined the Joes so that I could see you again!"

"I think I liked it better when she hated me," Storm Shadow muttered. "I can't believe Slice didn't tell her that I hired him…"

"I think he hates you," Baroness said.

"He's just jealous," Storm Shadow replied.

"Not like you know anything about that," Baroness said.

"Of course not," Storm Shadow said. "Snake Eyes and Lauren, I don't particularly care about your collective vendettas against me. Just get off the car."

"No, Master Storm, we're not going to do that!" Lauren said. "I'm going to save you!"

"Did your mother ever tell you not to try and change someone?" Storm Shadow said. "Viper, pull the car over. Baroness, go shoot the redhead. I know she's really starting to piss you off. I am going to bring a gun to a knife fight."

The Hummer stopped. Baroness hopped out and sprinted towards Scarlett, peppering the ground with bullets. Storm Shadow also climbed from the vehicle, holding a sawed-off shotgun. Solemnly placing the nanomite warhead behind him, he turned to face Snake Eyes and Lauren. Storm Shadow smiled. "Get off my lawn," he sneered.

_Seriously? Are you trying to do Clint Eastwood?_ Snake Eyes asked. _Because that sucked._

"Okay, how about this one?" Storm Shadow asked, pulling out a .44 Magnum. He fired several shots. "I know what you're thinking, punk. You're thinking, 'Did he fire six shots or only five?' Now to tell you the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and will blow you head clean off, you've gotta ask yourself a question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, _Snake Eyes_?"

_Clever_, Snake Eyes said. _And at this distance, I don't feel particularly lucky_.

"I figured that," Storm Shadow said as Snake Eyes slithered off the roof and walked away slowly with his hands on his head. "In the immortal words of Destro: 'Not even you can outrun a bullet.'" With that, Baroness came running, she and Storm Shadow swung into the Hummer, and the doors slammed shut. Snake Eyes watched as the Hummer zoomed away.

"What will I do without him?" Lauren wailed.

Snake Eyes shrugged. _Same thing I do – enjoy the silence_.

* * *

"I'm not _that_ chatty," Storm Shadow snapped.

_Which one of us prefers to communicate in monologues?_ Snake Eyes asked.

"If you must know, Snake Eyes, monologues are a critical part of any villain's social skills," Storm Shadow said. "It's a matter of habit, of instinct, of that dark part of me that rises to the surface whenever the series is getting a little slow and I need to change sides again. Monologues are as much a part of my personality as my uncanny tidiness or my inexplicable need to play by the rules."

_Actually, I would argue that those are both just symptoms of your undiagnosed OCD, but that's just me_, Snake Eyes said.

"Oh, shut up."


	8. Chapter 8

Breathing heavily, eyes half-closed, lying on mussed sheets, Storm Shadow glanced over at Snake Eyes. Their eyes met, and there was something guilty there.

"You know, it occurs to me that we probably shouldn't have done that," Storm Shadow said.

_But it's been so long_.

"Does that make it right?"

_I don't see what was so wrong_, Snake Eyes said, eyes blazing.

"There are people that would say it's unnatural."

_Don't listen_.

"Well, I guess it did help us work out some of our issues," Storm Shadow admitted.

_It was better than your suggestion_.

"In my defense, primal scream therapy has helped a lot of people."

_We're in a thin-walled hotel_.

"It's not like this was much quieter."

_But it was a _lot_ more fun_.

"True. It's been years since I've done this, and I don't think I've ever done it with you," Storm Shadow said. "I guess I just forgot how fun it is to have a pillow fight."

Snake Eyes grinned. _It's amazing cardio_.

"I'll go with that," Storm Shadow said.

* * *

Jeanette sighed; it was just another action movie was set in Paris. The city seemed to attract them. So far, Superman, Jason Bourne, all those schmucks from the Da Vinci Code, some guy who looked a lot like Liam Neeson and wanted to find his daughter, the Pink Panther, and Jackie Chan had all assaulted the City of Light. She wished that _these_ terrorists – whom she didn't even recognize – would find a different city to have their main action sequence in. But no, it had to be Paris. Rolling her eyes, she walked outside to avoid the action.

"Hey, can I have your number?" Jeanette looked up into the face of a large robot.

"What are you wearing?" she asked.

"Um, a Delta Accelerator suit?" the man replied.

"It looks like you killed a Transformer and wear its hide to proclaim your victory," Jeanette snapped. "And no, you may not."

"Isn't Paris supposed to be a romantic city?" the man asked.

"No," Jeanette said. "Was it romantic during the Reign of Terror? Was it romantic during World War Two? Was it romantic when the Black Plague came through? I don't think so-"

"Ripcord, guess who can't flirt to save his life?!" Ripcord whirled and saw Storm Shadow lounging on the rail of the floor above him. "Perhaps you should stop trying to improve your abysmal social skills and start chasing me before I blow the Eiffel Tower to smithereens!"

"Damn, that ninja's fast!" Ripcord muttered.

"At the rate you're running, he could have hopped up those stairs on one foot," Jeanette said. "Good-bye, Optimus."

Ripcord turned away, and began to sprint towards the stairs. Storm Shadow scurried into a nearby hallway, looking for a room with a view of the Eiffel Tower. By the time Ripcord caught up with him, the warhead was already sailing into the great blue yonder. "Isn't it lovely?" Storm Shadow asked.

"You're about to destroy an international symbol of human progress," Ripcord said.

"I'm a lot like you, Ripcord. I'm just following orders," Storm Shadow said. "Who's to say whose orders are right and wrong? We gave you more than enough time to evacuate the Tower, and then we blew it up."

"You could kill people," Ripcord said.

"You could have killed people," Storm Shadow said. "Heck, you're probably going to try to kill me soon. Which reminds me…think fast!"

Ripcord found himself covered in pasta sauce. "What was that for?" he spluttered.

"Nothing in particular except that I have a ride to catch," Storm Shadow said. With that, he rushed around Ripcord and sprinted down the hallway.

* * *

"Ana! Wait!" Duke cried.

Baroness ignored him, clutching the suitcase and running for the chopper. If only she could make it…

At the last moment, Duke jumped and tackled Ana and the suitcase. Groping blindly, Duke felt for the kill switch. At last he threw it, and –

"What kind of stupid idiot tackles a woman into her own ROFLcopter?" Storm Shadow asked.

"_What_ did you call this thing?" Duke asked.

"A ROFLcopter: a late 2000's Internet meme of unknown origin, though rumored to have begun in World of Warcraft. This ROFLcopter stands for Reconnaissance Omnidirectional Flight Landing Helicopter, which doesn't make a ton of sense but has a great ring to it," Storm Shadow said.

"He hit the kill switch," Baroness said, pouting. "Why did he have to hit the kill switch?"

"Nastia, we were supposed to hit the kill switch in a few minutes," Storm Shadow said. "Destro wanted to save the Louvre."

Baroness rolled her eyes. "Are you suggesting that us terrorists have a sense of _propriety_ about us?"

"Why not? We're just normal people," Storm Shadow said.

"Spare me," Duke growled. "Where are we going?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Baroness asked, smiling.

* * *

"Okay, that's it," Storm Shadow said.

_Wait. Didn't you have a flashback or something on the way to the Arctic?_

"You don't want to hear that," Storm Shadow said.

_You don't want me to hear it_, Snake Eyes countered.

"Maybe I don't," Storm Shadow said.

_Why?_

"Must we go into that?" Storm Shadow asked. "If I had any control over such things, I would never have had the flashback in front of anyone at all. But I don't. I don't want to include it."

_I think you should. It's a healing process_.

"You owe me one," Storm Shadow said venomously. "Here goes."

* * *

"Everyone has things they regret," Duke said.

"You know what I regret?" Baroness asked. "Wearing this ridiculous suit. I could go into battle in sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt and be twice as comfortable and still kick butt."

"You know what _I_ regret? Getting out of romantic comedies. Sure, I want to be an action hero, but if we're going to be serious about this I kind of failed. I have been degraded to the status of eye candy," Duke said.

Storm Shadow remained silent, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees in pensive thought. "Storm Shadow, what do you regret?" Baroness asked.

"Being in this movie," Storm Shadow replied. "It kind of sucks."

"No, this is an awesome movie!" Duke said.

"Yeah. You're just some uppity GI Joe fan who's in love with the 80's," Baroness sneered.

"Forgive me for having discerning taste," Storm Shadow said. "I could have used the ten dollars I spent to watch this travesty on a good book and been satisfied for a lot longer."

"Delayed gratification is for losers," Duke said.

"That does it. I'm going to meditate," Storm Shadow said, walking to the back of the ROFLcopter and curling into a fetal position.

"I think he's just taking a nap," Baroness said.

"No, it's obviously some awesome ninja thing," Duke said, slightly awestruck.

Baroness rolled her eyes, but said nothing.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	9. Chapter 9

Breaker began to bustle around the Viper with what looked like a pimped-out multimeter. Although I can't remember whether the Viper was actually dead or not, it was abundantly obvious that he was soon going to cast off his mortal coil. Breaker, who had ascertained this fact as well, plunged the test probes into the Viper's skull.

"Breaker, what's that thing?" Scarlett asked, kneeling next to him.

"It's going to take the electrical impulses from this Viper's brain and show us where Cobra's base is," Breaker said.

"It's in the Arctic," Heavy Duty said.

"How do you know?" Breaker asked.

"It always is. Has there ever been a time when Cobra hasn't had _some_ sort of base in the Arctic?" Heavy Duty asked. "If we go to the Arctic, I guarantee you we will either find a lead of some sort or the base itself."

Breaker frowned. "Then why am I even doing this?" he asked.

Heavy Duty shrugged lightly.

* * *

_Tommy, where did the flashback go?_ Snake Eyes asked.

"The part with the pimped multimeter had to be included so that the Joes knew where Cobra's base is," Storm Shadow replied.

_Like you said, it's obviously in the Arctic_, Snake Eyes said. _You're just avoiding the flashback._

"The same people who are going to be surprised by my origins story would have been surprised by the Arctic thing," Storm Shadow said. "It had to be included so that there wasn't a plot hole."

Snake Eyes looked at him crossly. _It still feels like a cop-out_.

"Fine. I'll do it right now," Storm Shadow snapped.

* * *

"Storm Shadow, what are you doing?" called the Hard Master. Several loud crashes emanated from the kitchen.

"I'm trying to scare off a homeless kid that broke into the kitchen," Tommy replied. "And my name isn't Storm Shadow. Why would you call me that?"

"It's clarity, okay?" Hard Master snapped, turning into the doorway of the kitchen. "We can't be bothered to explain that you actually have a name. Anyway, stop beating up on that homeless kid. We're going to adopt him."

"Uncle, you're always telling me to look before I leap. How is this any different?" Tommy asked, allowing the other boy to scramble off the kitchen counter.

"This is different because I'm a stereotypical, wise Japanese martial arts master, and you are an impulsive ten-year-old with anger issues," Hard Master said.

"You're like evil Mr. Miyagi!" Tommy gasped.

"Shut up. I need to say my awkward, expository lines," Hard Master said, clearing his throat with a flourish. "Would you like something to eat…_**SNAKE EYES???**_**"**

"Don't you think that was overkill?" Tommy asked.

"No. It's not overkill. It's dramatic. The critics will love it," Hard Master said smugly.

Tommy frowned. He wasn't sure who the critics were, but considering what pleased them, he was beginning to doubt their judgement already.

* * *

"We need to name Snake Eyes," said the first writer.

"No, we can't do that! It's not canon!" cried the second writer.

"But it makes no sense to call a ten-year-old Snake Eyes," said the first writer. "Where could he have possibly picked up that nickname?"

"But we have to appease the fanbase," the second writer said.

"Then why didn't we appease them with a Scarlett/Snake Eyes pairing?" the first writer asked. "You were all like 'Ripcord deserves someone after Candy dies!' So we made him black to add some diversity and tore apart a legitimate, canon-based, fan-approved romance for him. Why do we have to follow canon on this?"

"Because we do. Besides, if we name him, we run the risk that the audience gets all weirded out because they know someone with that name," the second writer said. "Like, for example, when you insisted we name Cobra Commander 'Rex.' The guy that used to bully me in high school was named Rex. I have my fifteen year reunion a week after the premiere, and you know how awkward it's going to be?"

"Okay, we'll just call them Snake Eyes and Tommy," said the first writer.

"That sounds weird. Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow," said the second writer.

"Fine! Whatever! I'm tired of fighting you on everything," said the first writer, gesticulating wildly with a pencil. "At least I'm going home to spend the night with my girlfriend instead of with my action figures, you dumb geek!"

"Okay, go alienate the fans! It's not like I care!" the second writer snarled. "All we have to do is get this stupid thing finished before that writer's strike happens."

"Oh, come on. We can have the last half be an action scene or something," the first writer said. "I hear that's industry standard now."

* * *

"Uncle? Grandpa is being weird again," Tommy said.

"Why aren't you fighting Snake Eyes?" Hard Master asked.

"We're taking a break," Tommy said.

"In that case, what did the old man do?" Hard Master asked.

"He gave me my birthday money for the next twenty years," Storm Shadow said. "He said I was going to need it, seeing as Snake Eyes had showed up. He told me to keep it on me at all times."

"Funny, I caught him calling a funeral home," Hard Master said. "I think he's just going senile, Storm Shadow. I mean, for goodness sakes, the man may or may not have fought in Vietnam. He's getting up there. Oh, and by the way, stop winning."

Tommy frowned. "Against Snake Eyes, you mean?"

"Yes," Hard Master said. "He's a good guy. You have to let him win, Tommy."

"But I'm a good guy too, aren't I?" Tommy asked. "Only bad guys have to let good guys win."

Hard Master sighed. "Well, Tommy, I have some bad news for you-"

And with that, Hard Master keeled over with a sword in his gut. The Plot, a dumpy little man in a collared shirt who was standing behind the fallen ninja master, shrugged apologetically. "I had to do it," he said. "Just following orders."

"This is going to give me PTSD for the rest of my unnaturally short life," Tommy said.

"That's cool, because no one ever liked you anyway," Hard Master said. "Where's Snake Eyes? I want to insure that he's provided for…"

With that, Tommy stormed away, intending to leave the movie forever.

* * *

Oblivious to Duke's capture and all that had happened inside the ROFLcopter, Ripcord and Scarlett stared dejectedly at the fallen Eiffel Tower. "We _failed_," Ripcord said.

"Yeah, and the tagline of this movie said that we never fail," Scarlett said.

Ripcord sighed. "That's ironic, considering the fail that's plagued this movie from the get-go-"

"Fweeze! We ah zee powice!"

Ripcord contemplated that for a moment. "Is that a French accent?" he asked finally.

"Wee!"

"I'm pretty sure that's not how you spell it," Scarlett said.

"And writing in an accent? Really?" Ripcord asked. "Is anything more annoying?"

"Zere ees nothing annoying about writing in un accent," the French policeman said. "Eet adds authenticité to my dialogue."

"Yeah, except the author obviously has no idea what they're doing," Scarlett said. "You sound more like Inspector Clouseau than anything else."

"Mon deu, that's preposterous," the French policeman said.

"That's not how you spell it either," Scarlett said. "You're almost as bad as the people who write Tunnel Rat with a Brooklyn accent. Let it just be said: accents are not meant to be written. Ever."

"I am kicking you out of zee country for zat!" the French policeman snarled.

"That's okay. We'll show ourselves out," Ripcord said, putting a protective arm around Scarlett. She slapped his hand away, and stalked off on her own.


	10. Chapter 10

"What is this place?" Duke cried, staring down at the empty patch of water below him.

"It was the polar ice cap," Storm Shadow said. "Bummer, global warming."

"It's just a cycle," Duke said.

Storm Shadow pushed him from the helicopter. Duke fell, screaming blue murder.

"Storm Shadow, why?" Baroness asked hysterically, looking down at Duke flailing in the water.

"Because it sure beats brutalizing him with a suitcase," Storm Shadow said. "Besides, it proves a point. Now he feels like all those poor, drowned polar bears."

* * *

_What is this place?_ Snake Eyes signed, staring down the hallway in horror.

"It was the ice machine," Storm Shadow said. "Now, it appears to be the spawning grounds of the genus_ Maria Sueis Stupidis_."

_Why here? Why now?_ Snake Eyes asked.

"They come to warp the canon because they don't have the skill to do anything else," Storm Shadow said. "That doesn't mean I don't want my ice. We're going through."

_There is no way you need ice this badly_, Snake Eyes said.

"Yes, I do," Storm Shadow said. "The hotel water tastes nasty, the freezer is a piece of crud, and there's no way I'm paying for the three ounce bottles in the mini-bar. This is the only solution."

_We can go to a gas station_, Snake Eyes said.

"We may not have the choice anymore," Storm Shadow said, staring down the sea of gem-toned eyes that had suddenly locked on Snake Eyes.

* * *

By the time Duke had been fished out and properly bloodied up, the Doctor was getting impatient. "Yes, yes, we will have him, Precious," he wheezed. "We wants him, yes, and we will haves him now!"

"You know, you're nothing like your fan girls claim you are," Storm Shadow said to the Doctor, who didn't seem to notice.

"Are you saying that starting a terrorist organization isn't a normal reaction to facial scarring and near death?" McCullen asked.

"Some people write their memoirs and become motivational speakers," Storm Shadow said.

"We aren't 'some people'," McCullen said.

"Apparently not," Storm Shadow said, watching curiously as the Doctor began to fiddle with syringes filled with nanomites for the fiftieth time. "What ever happened to the Brainwave Scanner, sir?"

"What Brainwave Scanner?" McCullen asked, pulling at his collar.

"I thought I remembered something about a Brainwave Scanner," Storm Shadow said.

McCullen turned a particularly unflattering shade of pale. "I don't know anything about that," he whispered huskily.

"Good, because I got it from some old comics or something," Storm Shadow said. "Speaking of which, whatever happened to that Weather Dominator thing?"

"This is neither the time nor the place," McCullen hissed.

Storm Shadow gave McCullen an utterly disbelieving look. "Why are you taking me so seriously?" he asked. "Pretty soon, you'll be freaking out if I say 'Cobra-La' or something-"

"Don't say it!" McCullen said, a little louder than necessary. The Doctor looked up.

"When Precious is handling needles, we needs _quiet_!" he snapped.

Storm Shadow rolled his eyes. "That's fine, Doctor. I'm going to go check on the status of things over in Arnor," he said, heading for the door.

"If I remember my Middle Earth geography correctly, that's about as far away as you can get from Mordor, where Gollum is," McCullen said. "What sort of foul analogy is this?"

"Do not meddle in the affairs of ninja, for they are subtle and quick to anger," Storm Shadow said. "Good day, sir." With that, he walked away.

* * *

"Hey, Snake Eyes! I noticed you from the first moment that I saw you." Said one Mary Sue.

"Hey, I don't think you punctuated that right," Storm Shadow said, looking up and over his head as the dialogue floated away.

"No one cares." Said another Mary Sue.

"How do you not notice the squiggly green lines on Microsoft Word? They're trying to help you! Listen to them!" the Devil's Advocate said.

"I turned that off becuz it was annoying." Said a third Sue.

While the Advocate let out a scream of rage and attempted to tip one of the vending machines that occupied the hallway onto herself to end her tortured, grammatically-puritanical existence, Storm Shadow was attempting to make his way through a crowd of Sues with a full bucket of ice. It wasn't easy. They were all so focused on Snake Eyes that the fabric of space-time was beginning to rip, and inconvenient momentary universes kept forming and disappearing, not to mention creating wormholes and the occasional backwards beam of light.

With a jolt, Storm Shadow realized what was happening. They were, quite literally, destroying canon.

* * *

"Yes, Precious, let us puts the nanomites in the nasty man," the Doctor hissed, smiling lasciviously at Duke from under his oxygen mask.

"You know, your fan girls think you're a handsome, misunderstood genius," McCullen said.

"They are wrong," the Doctor replied. "We do not understands why they think this. We is scarred and have nasty, stinking hair. We is much more attractive in _500 Days of Summer_, yes, Precious, we is. We thinks we is downright handsome-"

"Sir!" Storm Shadow reappeared. "The Joes are attacking, and Ana's having expository flashbacks, and things are heading downhill rapidly."

"Expository flashbacks?" McCullen asked. "We're all doomed!"

"Yeah, I'm leaving before this gets any stupider," Storm Shadow said. "I mean, pretty soon we're going to violate a basic tenet of elementary school science, and that's never-"

"The Joes are attacking? We'll just blow up the ice and destroy the base!" McCullen said.

"It is an excellent idea!" the Doctor said. "The ice will sink, and they will be dead in the ocean like fishes!"

Storm Shadow looked at them both askance. "You're both science geeks, right?" he asked.

"I has a doctorate," the Doctor said proudly.

"Then you would both know that one of the unique properties of ice is that it floats," Storm Shadow said. "Just like in every soft drink you've ever had."

"Ice is heavy. It sinks," McCullen said.

"No. The van der Waal forces that keep liquid water together cause water to freeze into a specific crystal structure that is actually less dense than liquid water," Duke muttered from the operating table. "And, just out of curiosity, does this whole thing with the needles remind anyone else of _Wolverine: Origins_? You know, the part where Wolverine is about to get the adamantium injected into his bones?"

"Silence!" the Doctor snapped. "I wants to hurts the nasty man!" His hands, trembling with anticipation, moved towards the syringes.

"No!" Ana Lewis burst through the door. "I won't let you hurt him!"

* * *

"It's not fair that Snake Eyes doesn't get a girl," said one of the Sues. "We definitely need more Snake Eyes stories."

"Then how about writing one that focuses on Snake Eyes instead of your insipid original character?" the Devil's Advocate snapped.

"But he needs a girlfriend," said another Sue, wrinkling her perfect ski jump nose. "And I'm the perfect girl for him!"

Storm Shadow frowned. "Who are you?"

"My name is Hannah, and I'm eighteen," she said. "I have blue eyes and blonde hair, and I love martial arts, Transformers, the Jonas Brothers, and Snake Eyes!"

"Are you really telling me that a normal thirty-something man is just going to fall for an eighteen-year-old?" Storm Shadow asked. "Does that strike you as slightly creepy?"

"It's not creepy! They're in love!" Hannah cried. "Besides, he's my parents' best friend, so it's okay!"

"I think I just threw up in my mouth," the Devil's Advocate said.

"And Snake Eyes isn't just buddies with everyone," Storm Shadow said. "What' so special about your almost-underage self?"

"I'm fun and spirited!" Hannah said.

"What about some maturity?" the Devil's Advocate asked. "Or is Snake Eyes suddenly attracted to Barbie dolls with the emotional depth of _America's Next Top Model_?"

"Stop flaming me!" Hannah said. At the word flame, all eyes turned to Hannah.

"don't let thos mean flamers tell u ur a bad writer," crooned one.

"there just jealous. update soon!" said another.

"I think yur a gr8t riter!" said another.

The Devil's Advocate couldn't help but snicker. "What votes of confidence."

* * *

"Ana, what are you doing?" McCullen demanded.

"I had some dramatic momentary flashbacks, broke my programming, and decided to go back to the man who broke my heart," Ana said. "And I'm not letting you do your nanomite thing, Rex. I'm going to shoot you."

"Rex?" Duke asked.

"Oh, like you didn't sees it coming," the Doctor said, pulling off his wig. "See? It's just like Clark Kent! This wig entirely obscured our identity!"

"I thought you were dead!" Duke said.

"That's because you is stupid," the Doctor replied. "Why didn't you check the building for us? Why dids you think that we was dead?"

"You were in a building that was blown up by a couple of bombers," Duke said. "You looked totally incinerated-"

"You should have come back and looked for us!" the Doctor said.

"Dude, the terrorists were coming," Duke said. "We couldn't go back."

"Well, now we knows, and knowing _is_ half the battle…but it doesn't make us any happier!" the Doctor hissed, getting ready to plunge the needles into Duke. To quote the cliché, all hell broke loose. Of course, our valiant hero Duke managed to break the lovely Ana free of her brainwashi – er, _nanomite infestation_, the Doctor and McCullen ran off to find the submarines because they're pansies who couldn't possibly stand up to the might of NATO, and Storm Shadow…

Where _was_ Storm Shadow?

* * *

Snake Eyes, meanwhile, was being crushed beneath the weight of the repetitive Sue stories. "See, we'll notice each other immediately, and then we'll fall in love, then break up, then get back together!" squeed one.

"Initially, I won't like you," said another. "Then, I'll have a near death experience, and then I'll realize what a great guy you are, and we'll get together. Then Scarlett, like the ignorant hussy she is, will try and break us up. She just doesn't recognize true love. In order to further solidify our romance, she'll join Cobra, and get together with the Doctor. She's a geek like him, right?"

"So, it goes like this," said a third Sue. "I'm Duke's sister, Shannon. I don't join Cobra, but I am very brave, rebellious, and awesometastic. I wear a little too much eye makeup and clothes that border on sluttish, but you think I'm the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. We fall in love. I'm tough, I'm beautiful, I'm bad ass, and Storm Shadow kills me at the end of the story. Your heart is broken, and you kill him, and then swear undying love for me. Isn't that romantic?"

Storm Shadow, who was vainly trying to separate the Sues from Snake Eyes, heard someone feminine clear their throat behind him. "Hey, Storm Shadow."

"What?" he asked, turning around. He frowned. First green-eyed Asian he'd ever met. Maybe they were contacts…

"Very Asian I am," she said mysteriously. "Talented and lovely I am. Destined for each other we are!"

"That isn't even proper Engrish," Storm Shadow breathed. "What _are_ you?"

"A clueless person I am, and trying to create a character authentic," she said.

"You know, not everyone who learns a second language has a heavy, indecipherable accent," Storm Shadow said. "You could just have her speak normally and admit that you have no clue what you're doing."

"But Asian I am in other ways, Storm Shadow-san," the girl said, melting into a lotus pose.

"All I gather from this is that you speak fan girl Japanese, and that you know a little yoga," Storm Shadow said. "You're not impressing me with the research you did into other cultures to make your character realistic."

"Fanfiction this is. Not needing to do research I am," the girl replied, closing her eyes. "Now, I'm going to meditate and say some ignorant and insulting things about Buddhism."

"I really hope your Asian stereotypes taught you a little about sepukku, because that's probably the level of shame you should be feeling right now," Storm Shadow said. "Sayonara, sucker!"

Just a note: never meditate with your eyes closed when an annoyed man with a sword is nearby. It's just bad form.

**A/N: No real Sues were hurt in the making of this chapter. Really. That's the Devil's Advocate's Id talking and yes, she is a little bit annoyed.**


	11. Chapter 11

"Snake Eyes, Cobra is going to power up the Death Star – I mean _Pulse Cannon_!" Princess Leia – no, wait, _Scarlett_ cried. "Go take out the control room or something! Red Leader – uh, _Heavy Duty_ and the X-wing pilots are counting on you."

_I think you mean 'submarine pilots.'_

"Does it really matter at this point, Luke?" Scarlett asked.

Snake Eyes shook his head, and raced off down the stairs. Meanwhile, in a completely different part of the base, Storm Shadow perked up. He stared intently at nothing for a moment, then turned to a random techie.

"He is here," Storm Shadow hissed.

"You look awfully excited," the techie said. "Besides, how do you know?"

"I felt a tremor in the Force, er, qi," Storm Shadow replied. "I last felt it in Paris."

"Are you sure it isn't just those cafeteria burritos? Seriously, those things don't even qualify as food. As soon as we get out of this frozen hellhole, I'm going to Oaxaca to get real Mexican food. Besides, Snake Eyes fell off a car. I'm pretty sure he's dead," the techie said.

"Don't underestimate a ninja," Storm Shadow replied, stalking off. "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

For a moment, the techie watched Storm Shadow's retreating back. Then, he turned to another worker who sat at a nearby station. "You know, sometimes he really freaks me out," the first techie whispered. "Did you know he can see through walls?"

"Sure," the other guy said. "Storm Shadow is _real_ scary. Keep your mind off him by monitoring those stress readings for excess torsion in the Pulse Cannon, capiche?"

* * *

"I don't appreciate busting my butt to get away from all the Sues who mobbed _you_ and then being characterized as a Darth Vader-wannabe," Storm Shadow said.

_There were a couple Sues who were there for you_, Snake Eyes said.

"Yeah. Green-eyed Asian chick, Asian chick who kept calling me a chauvinist, Asian chick who thought that it was hot to beat me up, and Asian chick who insisted I was stalking her," Storm Shadow said. "You can understand why I made pretty quick work of all of them."

_Because they were horrible characters?_ Snake Eyes asked.

"Yes, partially. There were other reasons, though: I'm sort of insulted that everyone assumes that Asian girls are my type just because I happen to be Japanese, I'm frightened that I have fans that would inflict their crappy OCs on me, I'm annoyed that these women are trying to steal my spotlight…I'm sure you understand," Storm Shadow said.

Snake Eyes nodded, more out of habit than truth.

* * *

"Remind me to thank Engineering for these convenient little platforms," Storm Shadow said. "Otherwise, you would have just _pushed me to my death_ when you tackled me through that plate-glass window. Not like you would ever try and kill me, right, Snake Eyes?"

_This is a post_-Resolute_ world, Storm Shadow. You're fair game,_ Snake Eyes said.

"But the whole point of our rivalry is that you can't bring yourself to kill me," Storm Shadow said.

_Why wouldn't I want to kill you? You murdered the Hard Master in cold blood!_ Snake Eyes said.

"First, I'm not a reptile; second, I didn't do it," Storm Shadow said.

Snake Eyes's confusion was tangible. _You didn't do it?_

"No, of course not!" Storm Shadow said. "I'm at Cobra trying to find the killer."

_Then why the heck haven't you said anything before? It's not like you've had twenty years to explain yourself._

"You aren't a very good listener, and Soft Master's current orders are to kill me on sight. Who was I supposed to tell?" Storm Shadow demanded.

_Hey, I think I'm a great listener—_

"Get away from my man, bitch!" A blonde blur dove onto the platform where Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow stood. "I heard that you're trying to put the moves on Snake Eyes, you skanky white ninja, and I'm not going to let you have him!"

Storm Shadow frowned. "That's certainly an odd idea, given that the last time we were on marginal good terms was when we were ten."

With a scream of rage, the Sue launched herself at Storm Shadow. Storm Shadow had only moments to choose a course of action. So he hurled himself into the abyss.

"That problem's solved, Snake Eyes," the Sue crooned, worming herself into Snake Eyes's arms. "Now, why don't we just settle down for our life of domestic bliss? I'm thinking Phoenix Amethyst Eleanora for a girl, or Dante Ebenezer Konstantin for a boy. Aren't they wonderful–"

* * *

"No, they aren't," Storm Shadow snarled, interrupting Snake Eyes. "I was the Phoenix Master before any of these girls decided to name themselves after a city in Arizona."

_That's a ridiculously obscure reference_, Snake Eyes said.

"Do I look like I care?" Storm Shadow asked.

* * *

Snake Eyes wrested out of her grasp and clambered to the edge of the platform. He looked down. Storm Shadow had magically managed to not resurface, despite the natural buoyancy of the human body, and Snake Eyes sat down to wait.

"Snake Eyes, why are you waiting? Come on, we have things to do, weddings to plan, and babies to make!" the Sue whined, practically pulling Snake Eyes's arm off as she dragged him away. "Storm Shadow is dead. He totally froze to death."

_Have you ever heard of Captain America?_ Snake Eyes asked.

"Only nerds read comic books," she sneered. "Let's _go_."

* * *

Snake Eyes looked at Storm Shadow. _So, how did you escape?_ he asked.

"I grew gills and swam," Storm Shadow replied.

_Really_.

"I made like Sherlock Holmes and fooled you, Watson," Storm Shadow said.

_Are you actually going to tell me?_

"Fine," Storm Shadow grumbled. "Here it goes."

* * *

Storm Shadow, meanwhile, clambered onto a service ladder and hauled himself back into the control room. He glanced out the door and through a window in the. The base was falling apart, and he had to get out. The Joes were the only ones with transportation off the ice, and they were never going to let him ride along. Unless…

He ripped a helmet and suit off of the sprawled body of Viper and shimmied in. Storm Shadow sprinted to the control room, hoping to catch one particular member of the team. He glanced around, and saw them. Storm Shadow stood outside the door, waiting…

When the Joes broke for the door, their mission accomplished, Storm Shadow whisked Breaker aside.

"Breaker, are you tired of the other guys teasing you for never doing anything in battle?" Storm Shadow hissed. "You know, they always make you ride in the van with Heavy Duty because they think you're ineffective. Wouldn't it be great if you captured me? They'd never leave you behind again. Think of all the upsides …"

Breaker considered it a moment. "Why should I trust you?"

"If I stay here, I'll die," Storm Shadow replied. "I'm motivated."

Breaker shrugged. "Sounds cool. I'll let Scarlett deal with you later." Both men scampered into the elevator, and they reached the top of the ice just as everything began to break apart.

* * *

When the prisoners came in, it was chaos. There were literally hundreds of Cobra employees – Vipers, pilots, secretaries, technicians, janitors – and Storm Shadow easily slipped away. He heaved himself into the ventilation, carefully replaced the vent behind him, and crept as softly as sin into the dormitories of the base. He was looking for one room, one woman who might just help him out of here. She owed him a favor, anyway. It had been a little while, but he was sure she would remember…

Storm Shadow dropped into her room, but she wasn't there. He didn't know how long he had, but he figured he would hear her coming if she did happen to drop by.

He headed for the closet.

* * *

"Jinx, what did you do to your hair?"

Storm Shadow turned and saw a traumatized man standing behind him. Shoot. He'd hoped he wouldn't' have to talk, but he was sort of trapped now. "I got a haircut, okay?" Storm Shadow snapped. "It's supposed to be like Audrey Hepburn."

"No, it's really cute," the guy said. "I like it, really. It just caught me off guard, that's all-"

"That's no way to talk to a woman, Budo," said another guy. "By the way, Jinx, you're looking short n' sassy."

"Oh yeah, like _that's_ somehow better, because reciting clichés somehow makes everything okay," Budo said. "You think you're special, Falcon, just because your brother got asked onto Team Alpha."

"Oh, come on. You're basically a Team Epsilon version of Snake Eyes without the ninja-ness. I mean, seriously, what's so cool about samurai?" Falcon asked.

"And you're an Epsilon Minus version of Duke," Budo replied, "Without the self-control and honor of a samurai. Did I mention that I'm willing to disembowel myself if I kill an unarmed man?"

"It's Team Epsilon, dipstick," Falcon replied.

"It was a _Brave New World_ reference, dipstick," Budo replied.

"Look guys, I have to get going," Storm Shadow said.

"Hey, Kimi…do you have a cold or something?" Falcon asked. "Your voice sounds a little different."

"Yeah. A cold," Storm Shadow said. "Listen, I'll see you guys later."

"Where are you going?" Budo asked.

"Back to my room," Storm Shadow said, backing towards the hallway he'd just come from.

"Really? Because you usually don't wear huge sunglasses and a hat at the same time, especially if you're going to be inside all day," Budo said.

"It's a tragedy, really. It's so hard to see your pretty face underneath those things," Falcon said.

It took everything Storm Shadow had not to run.

* * *

A/N: No, I didn't forget about the Night Raven. I just thought that it was better that this was all one chapter, instead of doing the cut-scene thing per the movie. I'll also include the submarine chase-scene/Star Wars battle later.


	12. Chapter 12

_So, you're telling me that you dressed as Jinx and just walked out the front door of the Pit._

"Yes, Snake Eyes, that's precisely what I did," Storm Shadow replied. "I needed her ID card to get out, and that way at least some people still thought I was dead."

_Aren't you perturbed that you pulled that off so easily?_ Snake Eyes asked. _I mean, I know you're second cousins, but you actually don't look all that similar to each other._

"Not really. Ninjitsu can be roughly translated into English as 'the art of stealth,' and I think that what I did was uber-stealthy. Besides, I would probably be more annoyed if I were Jinx."

* * *

"Ripcord."

Rip glanced over, and saw Scarlett standing next to the side of his plane. "What?"

"I wanted to wish you good luck," she said, pressing a single, chaste kiss to his lips. She pulled away just a moment later.

"Thanks, Scarlett," Ripcord said. "You didn't have to-"

"That was my first kiss," she said. "I wanted you to have it."

Ripcord frowned. "How does that work?" he asked.

"The fact that I've never been kissed?" Scarlett asked. "Ripcord, even if a girl is hotter than sin, no one wants her if she's a nerd. Which reminds me: I'm going to stop reading Stephen Hawking and doing vector calculus for fun, so I'll be more attractive. Would you like that?"

"Actually, I like that Stephen Hawking dude," Ripcord replied, and Scarlett's smile brightened.

"Really?" she asked. "Have you read any of his work?"

"Sure. _The Shining_ was probably the scariest book I've ever read, and _Carrie_…man! I loved _Carrie_! That book had some seriously amazing poetic justice," Ripcord said.

Scarlett's smile remained, but it was dimmer, sadder. "That's Stephen _King_, the horror writer. I'm talking about Stephen _Hawking_, the theoretical physicist."

Ripcord looked chastened. "Oh."

"Well, good luck," she said, jumping down from the Night Raven and hurrying off. Ripcord watched her leave, half-wondering if he had just blown it.

* * *

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"Snake Eyes, go hide in the bathroom or something," he muttered, moving towards the door.

_You're going to open it?_ Snake Eyes asked.

"We don't _know_ that it's a Sue," Storm Shadow replied. "In fact, it's probably the cleaning crew. I can't remember if I put up the _Do Not Disturb_ sign today."

Snake Eyes disappeared into the darkness of the bathroom, and Storm Shadow opened the door and saw a teenage girl. She stared at him balefully, with huge, hurt eyes that seemed to take over her face.

"Is Snake Eyes here?" she asked, her voice somehow conveying the depths of wangsty despair.

"No."

"But I _need_ him," she said.

"That doesn't change his present location," Storm Shadow replied. "He's not here."

"But he's the only one who can save me from the overwhelming urge to kill myself," she wailed. "Even all the cats I've taken in can't comfort me."

Storm Shadow frowned. "Cats?"

"I have a Ruby-Spotted Cat, which is grey with red spots, weighs about two pounds, and has golden eyes. I also have a cloud leopard, which is gold with squarish black spots and topaz eyes, and then there's my caracal-"

"Okay, so you have a bunch of illegal pets and you're suicidal. Is that what I'm getting?" Storm Shadow asked.

"Yes. But Snake Eyes can save me!" she said.

"Last time I checked, Snake Eyes wasn't Prozac," Storm Shadow said. "Besides, he isn't here. Take your biodiversity-destroying menagerie, and kindly leave."

"Oh, and there's one more pet of mine that you haven't met yet," the girl said. "This is Teddy."

It was a polar bear. A huge, hungry, unhappy polar bear.

"You know, he looks sort of disgruntled," Storm Shadow said.

"It's fine," the girl said. "I raised him since he was a cub, and he loves me." Then, she hugged it. And, well, when a very stupid person puts their head next to the mouth of a polar bear, and said polar bear is hungry...

Storm Shadow closed the door. "Snake Eyes? I think it's safe to come out now."

* * *

"Okay, Ripcord, you need to look for the weapons system," Scarlett said.

"I'm looking! There isn't one!" Ripcord replied.

"Maybe it's voice-activated. Try saying 'Fire!'" Scarlett said.

"Fire!" Ripcord watched as absolutely nothing happened.

"Well, McCullen is Scottish. Try 'teine.'" Scarlett said.

"Teine! Nope, still nothing."

Then, suddenly, the airplane crackled to life.

"¡Estúpido angloparlante! Es una lástima que no asistiera a la clase de Español 3 porque no estaba requerido por las universidades."

"It's in Spanish?" Ripcord asked. "Don't we have anyone on GI Joe that speaks Spanish? We're a multinational team, and considering that Spanish is the third most widely-spoken language in the world, it only makes sense…"

"Unfortunately, I don't think we have anyone that speaks Spanish. Also, I think it's mocking us," Breaker said.

"Breaker, open Babelfish," Scarlett said.

Breaker complied, and translated the Night Raven's rant. "Stupid English-speaking person. Is a shame that no attend the class of Spanish 3, because no was required for the universities."

Scarlett sighed. "This is going to be _fun_."

* * *

_What do you mean, there's a polar bear outside?_ Snake Eyes asked.

"The Sue brought a polar bear, and it ate her, and _I think it's still hungry_," Storm Shadow said.

_Why?_

"She was a tiny little thing," Storm Shadow said. "'Slim and curvy' or whatever it's called now."

_So, what's your plan?_ Snake Eyes asked.

"I shoot it."

_But you don't use guns_, Snake Eyes said. _Well, you almost never use guns_.

"Yes. I'm going to go bow-hunting for a polar bear," Storm Shadow said. He frowned. "That sounds a lot crazier out loud than it did in my head…"

_Why don't we just call the police?_ Snake Eyes asked.

"Seriously?" Storm Shadow asked. "I'm on the run from the _entire freaking world_."

_Well, then I guess we'd better start building a blind._

* * *

"Breaker, I need the word for "fire" in Spanish," Scarlett said.

Breaker typed in "fire." "I'm getting 'fuego.'"

"Fuego!" Ripcord cried.

"¡Tonto! Ése es el sustantivo. Use el mandato," the Night Raven snarled.

"Fool! That is the noun. Use the mandate," Breaker said, frowning. "You know, Scarlett, I think we're losing a level of meaning here."

"Mandate, mandate…I'll bet it wants the command form of the verb," Scarlett said. "Breaker, what's the command for 'to fire'?"

After another quick trip on the interwebs, Breaker came back with "lanza." Ripcord tried it.

"Respéteme, piloto. ¿Me parece como su mejor amigo?"

"It didn't like that, and 'respéteme' isn't translateable, per Babelfish," Breaker said.

"Try the formal command," Scarlett said.

"The _what_?" Ripcord asked.

"Spanish has formal and informal commands, and they're used based on the speaker's familiarity with the person they're talking to," Scarlett said. "In this case, McCullen probably used formal commands."

Breaker worked for a moment. "Try 'lance.'"

* * *

_Does it ever bother you that your nickname implies your inherent immaturity?_ Snake Eyes asked.

"What, Tommy?" Storm Shadow asked. "No. Does it ever bother you that your name implies your inherent unluckiness and/or gambling addiction?"

_But my name suits me; I chose it_, Snake Eyes said.

"I could have chosen a different name for myself too, if I'd wanted to," Storm Shadow said. "Actually, I kind of did."

_True_.

Storm Shadow scowled, musing that sitting on a roof, watching an unhappy polar bear sniff cars and talking to Snake Eyes about names was _not_ the way that he had planned to spend his afternoon. Then again, he also hadn't been anticipating Snake Eyes showing up that morning, so the whole day was sort of shot anyway. Well, it's not like he had anything better to do…

_It's your turn to think of a topic of conversation_, Snake Eyes signed.

"Okay…would you rather have bamboo slivers stuck under your fingernails, or listen to Destro whine about how Baroness never pays attention to him?" Storm Shadow asked. "Or, even better: would you rather die slowly from a gut wound, or die slowly of embarrassment while Baroness and Destro refuse to acknowledge the creepy sexual tension in the room?"

_I would pick the option that doesn't involve creepy sugar daddy Destro every time_, Snake Eyes said.

* * *

"Ripcord, eject now!" Scarlett yelled. Although Ripcord's mission had been a success, the Night Raven had been infected with the warhead's contents. To stop the spread of the nanomites to the greater Washington D.C. Metropolitan Area, Ripcord had been forced to fly as high as he could with the time he had left. But the time was gone. His only choice now was to jump.

"Sólo funciono a sesenta por ciento porque las nanomitas están comiéndome," the Night Raven said. "Sugiero que me evacue."

"I think it's telling me that I'm losing control, Scarlett. What's the command to eject?" Ripcord asked.

"Try 'ejecútame!'" Scarlett said, fishing for a cognate.

"No, Scarlett, that's not-" Breaker began.

"¡Jaja! ¿Quiere usted que le mate?" the Night Raven asked.

"Jaja. He wants that I kill him?" Breaker translated.

"What does 'ejecútame' mean?" Scarlett asked.

"Execute me," Breaker said. "I think you want 'eyéctame.' Don't believe those false cognates, Scarlett."

Ripcord screamed the command, and he leapt forth into the sky just as the Night Raven crumbled to pieces.

"I'm going to miss that airplane. I've always loved machines that can so effectively point out a huge bias in the makeup of a supposedly international team," Breaker said.

"You just wanted to take it apart. Come on, Breaker, the ice is starting to fall," Scarlett said.

"The ice can't be falling," Breaker said.

"But it is," Scarlett said.

"There's something wrong with this movie," Breaker said. "It's like it isn't real…like it's all generated by computers, and not based in real life…"

"Don't even think about making a Matrix joke," Scarlett snapped. "Come on, Breaker. If you die in the Arctic, you die in real life."

* * *

A/N: Translations for the Spanish above, just in case "Babelfish" isn't good enough for you (although it's not as though the real one is much better):

"Stupid English-speaker! It's a shame that you didn't take Spanish 3 because it wasn't required for college."

"Fool! That's the noun. Use the command."

"Respect me, pilot. Do I look like your best friend?"

"I'm only functioning at sixty percent because the nanomite warheads are eating me. I suggest you evacuate."

Ejecútame = Execute me

"Ha ha! You want me to kill you?"

Eyéctame = Eject me


	13. Chapter 13

Storm Shadow crouched in a blind on the edge of the hotel parking lot, watching as the polar bear sniffed at a car. "You know, Snakes, I feel kind of bad about shooting an endangered species," he whispered.

_This is the future, remember? The Arctic might not even exist anymore_, Snake Eyes said.

"Then this would be equivalent to going back in time and killing Martha the passenger pigeon," Storm Shadow said.

_By the time Martha died, there was only one passenger pigeon left anyway. The species was already functionally extinct_, Snake Eyes said.

"But there might be other polar bears out there," Storm Shadow said. "This isn't like killing a squirrel or something. This is _serious_."

"Hello, my brothers. What are you searching for?"

Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes turned around. There, standing behind them, was a young woman who was both shockingly lovely and unspeakably annoying. She gazed at them with an expression that was probably meant to look wise, but instead turned out smug with a side of patronization.

"I see that you don't recognize me. I am Cunégonde, a female ninja who trained at the Arashikage Temple with you," she said.

Storm Shadow smiled wryly. "Funny, I don't remember you…maybe because I lived at the Arashikage _dojo_."

"That's impossible. You've known me all my life. You and Snake Eyes both loved me," Cunégonde said. "In fact, Storm Shadow, you're still obsessed with me."

"You've got the wrong guy," Storm Shadow said. "I remember who I stalk…isn't that right, Snake Eyes?"

_Unfortunately, it's all too true._

"No. I can make you act however I want. You're in _my_ story, and I want Storm Shadow to be an evil stalker, and Snake Eyes to be a ridiculously romantic hottie!" Cunégonde snarled.

"You can't just change our personalities because you want to. That defeats the point of fanfiction," Storm Shadow said. "Otherwise, you're just writing original fiction with plagiarized names."

"But, but, _it's my story_!" Cunégonde said. "Can't I just write what I want?"

_Not on a fanfiction site_, Snake Eyes said. _Now, perhaps you'd like to test your ninja skills against mine?_

* * *

Duke and the Baroness sat in a submarine, speeding through the underwater maze that surrounded the Cobra base.

"You know, Duke, for all the suspense they built up for this part of the movie, I can't say that it was particularly interesting," Ana said.

"No, not really," Duke said. "Besides, it's already been established that this entire action scene is pretty much a copy of Star Wars, so I don't really see any reason to spend a lot of time on it."

"Then let's not," Ana said.

* * *

After Cunégonde had been dispatched, Snake Eyes turned back to Storm Shadow. _Now, about that bear…_

"While you were kicking the Ninja!Sue's can, some guy killed the polar bear," Storm Shadow said.

_How?_

"With a sword," Storm Shadow replied. "I've been watching him for a while now. He's got some girl with him, who he keeps letting escape."

_I hate watching inept kidnappers_, Snake Eyes said.

"This one is different," Storm Shadow said.

_Why?_

"Well, it's a little hard to tell from here, but he looks a lot like me," Storm Shadow replied.

Snake Eyes frowned.

"I think he's a Gary Stu of some kind," Storm Shadow said. "And the girl appears to be a Sue who thinks she's very sarcastic and edgy, yet only manages to make herself look angry and immature."

_What are they saying?_

"Well, given that the polar bear is no longer a threat, there's nothing to stop us from just going over and finding out," Storm Shadow said. With that, he stood up and started walking.

* * *

Ripcord, freed from the bowels of the Night Raven, conveniently ended up on the lawn of the White House. Canon breathed a sigh of relief: finally, the _paratrooper_ was using a _parachute_. Then, of course, he was arrested by the police because the Joes had apparently forgotten to let the United States know that their airspace was about to be violated.

Oops.

* * *

"Why are you holding me here? What have I done?" the girl sobbed, eyes furious and angry and accusing.

The man in white just stared at her, impassive.

"I bet you're stupid. You're just hired muscle," the girl snarled.

The man's eyes widened, as though the girl's remark had hurt him, but as passively as a piece of cardboard, he pushed through the "pain."

Storm Shadow, who sat on a nearby car watching his Stu alter-ego, choked back a laugh. "He's so pathetically thin-skinned…do you think I have a thin skin, Snake Eyes?"

_Actually, I believe you have the opposite problem_.

"Then where is she getting _him_?" Storm Shadow asked.

_I'm not precisely sure. What _I_ want to know is why Robot!Storm Shadow hasn't just knocked her out yet_.

"He does seem to have some difficulty hanging on to her, doesn't he," Storm Shadow remarked.

Just then, the girl bolted. Again. Robot!Storm Shadow, true to form, ran after her. Despite his ninja training, years of conditioning, and general athletic talent, the girl outran him.

With a broken foot.

_It's like watching a toddler with a balloon_, Snake Eyes said.

"Care to expound on that?" Storm Shadow asked, watching with obvious amusement as Robot!Storm Shadow ran frantically after the Sue.

_Every time the thing gets away, I can't help but wonder if there's a temper tantrum right around the corner_, Snake Eyes replied.

Storm Shadow nodded. "Well, the amusement is beginning to wear off...what do you say we go back to the room and get ready to leave?"

_Leave?_

"The Sues are here already. I think if we can put some distance between us and this hotel, life will get a lot easier," Storm Shadow said.

_There are even more of them back at the Pit. I'm not sure I want to go back quite yet_.

"Wait. You let Sues into the _Pit_? What was Hawk thinking?" Storm Shadow asked.

_Most of them are his nieces. He can't say no._

"Well, that's certainly a pity," Storm Shadow said. "We'll find somewhere that's Sue-free. Meanwhile, I have a room to check out of-"

And that's when the fanon babies arrived.

* * *

"Precious, who wouldst have thought that we would ends up in giant plexiglass toilet paper rolls?" muttered the Doctor.

"I'm not sure how it happened myself," Destro admitted. "It's not going to keep Zartan and the Baroness out for very long, that's for sure."

"Shuts up, Destro. That is a sssssssspoiler," the Doctor hissed.

"No, it's kind of obvious. I mean, if we don't break out of jail, who are the Joes going to fight in the next movie?" Destro asked.

The Doctor was silent for a moment. "I suppose you is right, Destro. Now, all we has to do is wait."

"Of course, Commander Cobra."

Rex turned furiously on Destro. "_Whats_ did you call me?"

"Commander Cobra. I liked it better than Cobra Commander."

"It soundses like a cartoon character who sells cereal or something," the Doctor snarled. "Besides, you cants just go and change canon. My name is Cobra Commander for a good reason."

"We both work for the Cobra. It's founded on my company. Shouldn't I have a say in this?" McCullen asked.

"No. I is the Cobra Commander, and I commands Cobra. Notice how there is no article in front of 'Cobra.' Thinks of it like an acronym if it helpses you." The Doctor turned away from Destro. "Stupid subordinatesssss."

Destro felt the sudden urge to bash his head against the plexiglass wall of his cell. How had his brilliant plan come to this?

* * *

Storm Shadow looked down skeptically at the group of five-year-olds who gathered around him. "Where are your parents?"

"They're off fighting Cobra," said one, a little girl with huge blue eyes and dark curls.

"Okay…then why are you bugging _me_?" Storm Shadow asked.

"Because you hurt my mommy, and now I'm going to hurt you!" the girl said, hurling herself at him.

"Maybe you could tell me your mother's name."

"Ana Hauser."

Storm Shadow considered this for a moment. "Did your mother ever tell you that I have a strict code of honor that doesn't allow me to hurt innocents?"

"No," the girl said.

"That's too bad," Storm Shadow said. "It would have saved you the trouble of coming here, and me the trouble of having to detach you from my leg."

"Yeah, I came all the way from the Pit," the girl said.

Storm Shadow frowned. "They're letting a little kid live in a super-secret military base?"

The girl nodded.

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Storm Shadow looked up, puzzled. "What was that?"

_The author just headdesked,_ Snake Eyes explained.

"And there goes the fourth wall," Storm Shadow said.

* * *

"So, Ana, how long are you going to be in here?" Duke asked, looking around the women's mental correctional institute.

"You know, that's a very pretentious name for a loony bin," Ana said. "And I'm going to be in this place for years: that's what happens to people who blow up Paris, Duke. They go to jail. For a long, long time."

"So, you won't be joining GI Joe?" Duke asked.

"Not until my sentence is up and they get the nanomites out of my head," Ana replied.

"Well, there go all those speculative GI Joe: The Stupid Sequel fics," Duke said.

"They knew the risks when they wrote it," Ana said. "Besides, they always pair me with you, which will probably never happen in a million years."

"Why?" Duke asked.

"Because, even though the canon was tied up and hidden in a broom closet for most of the movie, the Baroness and Destro romance has – and always will be – a key component of GI Joe. They can't break me up with McCullen any more than they could make Snake Eyes talk," Ana said. "Now, what were you saying about coming to visit me?"

* * *

"That does it. We're going." Storm Shadow stormed about the room, throwing together his things as Snake Eyes watched.

_Hey, a pun!_

"I know the fourth wall is broken, but you don't have to keep compounding the damage," Storm Shadow said stormily.

_You know these are getting really terrible_…

"Beyond the shadow of a doubt, these are some of the most awful puns I've ever heard," Storm Shadow said.

_Was that another one?_

Storm Shadow glared at Snake Eyes. "Let's get to the car."

As Storm Shadow headed for the rental, Snake Eyes stopped him. _You have to check out, don't you?_

"Unfortunately, you're right," Storm Shadow said. "Look, take the keys. I'll be back in a minute." Ditching his duffel bag on the ground, Storm Shadow strode off in the direction of the hotel office.

Snake Eyes picked up the duffel and began heading to the car, scanning the parking lot for Sues. As he reached the car, he noticed that Storm Shadow was standing by it. Snake Eyes frowned; there was no way Storm Shadow could have gotten done _that_ fast.

As Snake Eyes approached the car, Storm Shadow turned on him. "So, my brother, we meet again," he hissed.

_Actually, it hasn't been that long_, Snake Eyes replied, heading for the driver's side door.

"Stop right there!" Storm Shadow drew a gun, and pulled a small, limp figure from behind his back. "If you don't, I'll kill this baby!"

* * *

The members of GI Joe walked down the center of the Pit. There was "witty" dialogue exchanged, a light joke or two, and the promise of a sequel.

Why, Hollywood, _why?!_

* * *

Snake Eyes looked suspiciously at the man standing in front of him. _You do realize that's a Cabbage Patch doll, don't you?_

"I'm depraved! I'm evil! I'll kill it!" Storm Shadow snarled.

_Go on ahead._

"You don't know how desperate I am!" Evil!Storm Shadow cried.

_You're trying to shoot a doll. I don't think I can even _fathom_ how desperate you are._

"I have nothing to lose. Don't even try to stop-"

Then, almost faster than the human eye could grasp, a white-fletched arrow whistled through the air and into the side of Evil!Storm Shadow's head. He gasped, and fell to the ground.

"Dang, I _hate_ it when evil characters do stupid, melodramatic things," said the real Storm Shadow, walking over to where Snake Eyes stood. "Come on, let's get out of here."

"Wait!" Evil!Storm Shadow said. "I have an evil villain monologue to deliver."

_With all due respect, why aren't you dead?_

"That doesn't matter. What does matter is that I've wired this whole hotel to blow up when I die," Evil!Storm Shadow snarled. "Everyone will _die_."

"That the hotel is full of Sues and out-of-character travesties," Storm Shadow said. "Blowing it up would be more of a blessing than a curse. Also, this makes for a great buddy cop ending, where Snake Eyes and I drive away from a building in flames, have a little redemptive moment, and then share a witty bromantic joke as we drive into the sunset."

"Way to fulfill the trope," Evil!Storm Shadow snarled. With that, he pulled out a detonator, and set it off as he breathed his last.

"Wait, that was a trope too!" Storm Shadow said.

_It doesn't matter. Let's just leave_.

Both men climbed into the car. When they'd gotten out of the parking lot and started out onto the road, Storm Shadow turned to Snake Eyes.

"You know, this would be a great time for our redemptive moment," he said.

_What did you have in mind?_

"I think you know," Storm Shadow said.

_Tommy, even though you killed the Hard Master, I've realized that it was a moment of weakness and that you're actually a pretty cool person. I forgive you._

Storm Shadow braked hard and wrenched the car to the side of the road. "You'd better get out before I hurt you."

_Why?! We just had our touching redemptive moment!_

"Because I didn't kill the Hard Master. You were supposed to apologize for doubting me all those years. Don't you remember? I told you right before you killed me," Storm Shadow snapped.

_They cut that scene!_ Snake Eyes replied.

"Would it kill you to read the Wikipedia article and see that I'm usually framed for the Hard Master's death?" Storm Shadow asked.

_But, this is the movie, so it's okay—_

"If you think I look sympathetic, you'd better get your eyes checked," Storm Shadow said. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

Snake Eyes opened the door and stepped outside. He slammed it shut, and Storm Shadow drove off into the distance. Snake Eyes sat down on a nearby bench and waited. With his luck, a gorgeous young rebel with a Ferrari and purple eyes would be here to pick him up at any minute.


End file.

G. I. Joe, Humor, Parody