G. I. Joe Insert Useless Crack Commandos Here

**hInsert Useless Crack Commandos Here**

**Disclaimer: I do not own GI Joe or the ACMSES**

**Challenge: Find the scene which mirrors the mission 'Gulag' in MW2.**

**Author's note: This is between 'Carved on Stone' and '****Insert Unconquerable Finality Here****'.**** And a promise is never forgotten; Kyle gets to join Doug and Ingrid in this fic.**

* * *

Doug was standing outside the classroom, watching Harriet invigilating a Society written test. The classroom was empty; there was only one student sitting at a desk, head bent down and concentrating on her test. She wore a gray sweater and gray skirt, and had short brown hair. Ever since the attack on the Society and the loss of the Librarian, the Society pretty much shut itself out from the rest of the world, almost refusing to take in any new Agents. But since Doug pleaded with Harriet, she allowed the new student in.

The time was up. Harriet collected the papers from the student and started marking the papers. Doug pulled out a cigarette and put it in his mouth. He was about to pull out a lighter when he heard footsteps. He quickly pulled the cigarette out from his mouth and hid it in his pocket. The footsteps grew louder and Aster came into the scene.

"Doug-kun, who is that?" asked Aster, curious on the new student.

"That's Ingrid Nunn. She came in today and took the Society test," replied Doug. Then Ingrid looked up and turned to the window. She gave thumbs up at Doug. Aster was shocked when she looked at Ingrid's face.

"Doug-kun, isn't that Maya?" asked Aster, looking ready to shift form.

"Was, Aster. You do know that we brought her back to have her memories wiped," said Doug. Aster relaxed, but she was skeptical. Then she remembered that she was holding a manga volume.

"Oh, I better return this before Adrian-kun yells at me again," said Aster before running off. Doug saw her leave; thinking about a dead comrade may be heartbreaking, but denying that he's truly dead is more painful. Doug couldn't blame her. She was too young to really understand about the acceptance of something this dreadful.

Harriet walked out of the classroom with the test paper in her hand. She walked towards Doug, who was standing by the window.

"How did she go?" asked Doug.

"She passed the test. Walk with me," said Harriet before heading off to her office. Doug walked beside her.

"Doug, she seemed very familiar. It's like…….I've seen her before," said Harriet.

"Because she was Maya Mariana?" stated Doug. Harriet stopped immediately.

"Surprised?" asked Doug.

"No, my office is here," replied Harriet, turning to the left and opening the door. Doug followed her inside. Harriet set the papers down her desk and sat on her office chair.

"Actually, I'm not surprised since we already have two Heel Face Turn Sues in our ranks. But the matter is why do you insist on letting her join now? You do know the state of the Society is pretty unstable, so why not later? Why now?" asked Harriet. Doug stayed silent for a moment before answering.

"Harriet, I'm retiring from the Society," stated Doug. It came as a shock to Harriet, but she remained calm.

"And what made you think so?" asked Harriet. Doug shrugged.

"Adrian taught me a few good life lessons. So I've decided to retire," said Doug. Harriet nodded.

"You may leave," said Harriet. Doug nodded, turned around and headed for the door. Just before reaching for the door, Harriet asked a question.

"How much longer will you be with us?" asked Harriet. Doug turned and replied.

"About a couple," replied Doug before leaving. Harriet knew what he meant as the other anticipated word would result in the shattering of the Fourth Wall.

* * *

Insert Society Theme Song Here

* * *

"We've got a situation here. High levels of Suenergy are appearing out from the GI Joe fandom," stated Tash in her mission briefing. Ingrid, Doug and Kyle were standing by her, looking at the projector screen.

"And the story is lagging behind schedule?" asked Doug.

"Yes, apparently Duke and Ripcord hasn't even made contact with the Joes," continued Tash. Then she projected some readings from the Society computer on the fandom. The figures looked numbly disappointing.

"I want you guys to find out what's going on in it. Ingrid, this will be your training mission. Don't get yourself hurt on your first, OK?" stated Tash. The three nodded.

"Okay then, off you go," said Tash while she closed the presentation. The two Agents and the rookie came out of the mission room and walked through the corridors.

"Kyle, I know you'll have lots of stuff in your Astral Vault, but you're going to need some tactical gear that your vault can't offer. Follow me," stated Doug. Kyle and Ingrid followed Doug to his lab, where some workmen were removing the plates from Doug's laboratory door.

"Once I'm gone, this belongs to Ingrid," stated Doug. He put a pen-shaped key into the keyhole and touched a card on the sensor beside the door. The automatic locks unlocked with a click sound and Doug opened the door. Upon opening the door, the room that was Doug's lab is now a hangar. It had a Black Hawk helicopter; a modified, black GMC Terrain; a modified, silver W212 E-class Mercedes Benz and the armory entrance at the far side of the hangar.

"Doug, isn't this a little over excessive?" asked Kyle.

"Well, it's not going to be one person who gets to use all this," replied Doug as a plothole opened, and four soldiers came out. Two males and two females, they were all armed to the teeth and their uniform and body armor were all black.

"The Dark Guardians – Rapid Deployment Team. Meet Janice, Jocelyn, Jake and John," introduced Doug. The four waved at them and they got into the Black Hawk. Kyle was startled.

"Yes, let's go get your gear," remembered Doug as he led Ingrid and Kyle to the armory. He opened the vault door and flipped the switch. Rows and rows of light switched on one after another, revealing rows and rows of automatic weapons, bladed weapons, explosives and gadgets. Doug walked to a gadget rack and took out a bracelet-like device. Doug wore it first and gave a little demonstration.

"This is a ray shield. Just press this button…."

**SHWRINGG!!**

The ray shield formed into a shape of a regular riot shield, but only made out of pure energy.

"……….and this will protect you from any projectile other than anything bigger than Fuel Air Bombs IN THE DIRECTION THE SHIELD IS FACING. It doesn't protect you 360° like the ones in Halo," explained Doug as he turned off the ray shield. He then gave two bracelets to Kyle and Ingrid and they wore the bracelets. He then gave out two pod-like devices that have wrist straps.

"GPS locator and watch. Helps us find you when you're lost. I don't think we can lose you again in these times," said Doug as he handed the devices to Kyle and Ingrid. Then he took out two MP5 SMGs and gave one each to Ingrid and Kyle. He then took out two different scopes ad fitted them on the SMGs. Ingrid got an EoTech holographic scope while Kyle gets an ACOG scope. He then fitted two silencers on the muzzles and two miniature screens on the guns and tested it.

"Heartbeat sensor. The ones I used to find Cristoph when he's hiding," stated Doug. He then took out two M9 pistols outfitted with silencers and handed them to them.

"Drawing out you pistol is faster than reloading," stated Doug. Then he gave out SMG clips to the two.

"All these are loaded with Copyright darts. Use it wisely. I spent a buttload just to get them manufactured," stated Doug.

* * *

_(At a courtyard)_

Author Doug was surfing through the net when a butler came by and set a letter on the desk.

"Invoice from the Cliffhanger Defence Technologies, sir," said the butler before walking out. The author opened the letter and sipped his tea. He then suddenly spit the contents on the statement.

* * *

Doug then took out a Bushmaster ACR rifle and fitted it with a holographic scope, an M203 grenade launcher and a silencer. He pulled the bolt on the rifle and slung it to his back. He then took out a SPAS 12 shotgun and pumped it before slinging it to his back. And finally, he took out a USP .45 pistol and checked its clip. Satisfied that it's full, he put the clip back and kept it on the side holster.

"How come you get live ammo?" asked Kyle. Doug turned to him and replied.

"Because it's going to be me and the four J's on the Cobra facility, just in case. You will be backed by Ivan, Terry and their teams on The Pit. Good luck," said Doug. They all walked out of the vault and then Kyle opened a plothole. Doug put thumbs up and got thumbs up in response from Ingrid and Kyle. The two entered into the plothole as Doug approached the Black Hawk.

"Are we ready?" asked Doug. The team nodded. He got into the helicopter as the rotors started spinning.

"If all else fails; get some extra hands," stated Doug before the helicopter took off and into the plothole on the ceiling.

* * *

"Whoo! This is hot! Do we even know which part of the Sahara we're in?" asked Kyle, sweating over the intense heat of the sun. Ingrid paid no attention to Kyle, and was looking at her GPS locator. Currently, it said they were within a kilometer away from The Pit.

"We're almost there, Kyle. Stay frosty," replied Ingrid.

"But it's freaking……..Ew, what's that smell?" Kyle stuttered as the overpowering smell engulfed him. Ingrid stopped and spoke.

"Not very sneaky, Ivan," said Ingrid. Ivan popped out from his camouflage next to Kyle, which gave him a fright.

"Sorry, this place is very hot. Needed to drink," replied Ivan groggily. Kyle stared at him in amazement.

"Is he even combat competent?" asked Kyle. Ivan immediately shot back.

"Eh! I can take you out with this gun from a mile away, OK?" replied Ivan, pointing at his Barrett M82 anti-material rifle.

"Where's your team?" asked Ingrid. Ivan was quite for a moment, and then he choked on a snore and woke up.

"They're near the entrance of The Pit. Come, I'll take you to the vent where you'll make your entrance," replied Ivan. He then started trekking, with Kyle and Ingrid behind him.

* * *

A Black Hawk helicopter quietly hovered above the white Arctic ice, low enough to avoid being detected by radar. The Black Hawk started to slow down, and five soldiers in white camouflage jumped out of the helicopter. They all observed their surroundings with their guns held up as the helicopter left before taking their items and started moving.

* * *

"Ivan, which fandom did you decide to stay after traveling for so long?" asked Kyle, who was curious about the Wanderers.

"Since you asked, I stayed in the Fate/Stay Night fandom as a Legendary Hero. It is a very demanding fandom; requires you to be on your toes and sometimes a fanfic writer or two decides to corrupt it," replied Ivan.

"If you're right here, who's protecting it?" asked Kyle.

"That's why we have two Wanderers in the fandom. The other is having her hands full," replied Ivan.

* * *

_(In a Fate/Stay Night fandom where modern weapons replace the original weapons)_

A short redhead was running through a trench in a battleground outside Fuyuki city. Bullets were ricocheting off the ground, kicking up dirt to her face.

"I hate being target practice for snipers," murmured Yulie as she kept running with her Enfield L85 rifle close to her. Then another Legendary Hero appeared before her with a SPAS 12 shotgun, pointing it at her.

"Hey, shorty-…….." A blood vein popped out from her forehead as she booted the Hero on his face. She landed on top of him and pointed the pistol on his forehead.

"Another thing I hate: STOP-CALLING-ME-SHORT!" she yelled in anger before pulling the trigger.

* * *

"Okay….," said Kyle. The three finally reached their destination; an air vent. Ivan pulled out a spray can and sprayed over the side of the grills, then pried the grill off. The gaping hole was big enough for the both of them to enter the vents. Ivan tied down an anchor to a rope and threw it down the vent shaft. Ingrid and Kyle secured the harness on their bodies and locked it to the rope. As Ivan looked out for any hostiles, Kyle went in first, followed by Ingrid. Before disappearing into the complex, Ingrid asked Ivan.

"Is Terry and his team ready yet?" asked Ingrid.

"Terry's preoccupied at the moment," replied Ivan.

* * *

_(In a forest outside Central, Amestris, FMA)_

Red sparks filled the Amestrian night as alchemical reactions took place. Large structures of spikes and walls grew from the ground, followed by some thumping sounds and explosions. Closer in, a blonde man was running while clapping his hands, making spikes pop up from the ground. This was followed by Gluttony, a homunculus, flattening down the structures that impede him.

"EAT!!!" was all Gluttony ever exclaimed.

"I'MNOTFOOD!I'MNOTFOOD!I'MNOTFOOD!I'MNOTFO......." yelled Terry as he ran, horrified.

* * *

"I'm sure he'll come as soon as possible," replied Ivan. Ingrid nodded and scaled down the vent. Ivan then put the grill back, welded it back in place, stuck a plastic explosive on the grill and then ran off.

* * *

Crawling in the vents, Ingrid was leading while Kyle followed. She then reached a location and suddenly stopped. Kyle almost collided with her backside. The proximity made Kyle gulp. Slowly, Ingrid opened the vent and crawled out. Kyle followed soon after. They found themselves near the generators that power the base. They hid behind a pillar as two Joes walked past. With Kyle trailing behind her, Ingrid navigated her way through the Joes and reached the switch box. She then pulled out a tiny explosive charge and planted it on the switch box.

"Plan C," stated Ingrid. Kyle nodded. They then went to the entrance when there were two Joes coming in. They quickly fired their weapons, taking them out. Both of them stuck Copyright stickers on them and took back the darts. They left the two lying at the entrance and pressed on.

They were now on the catwalks of the base. They saw the Joes busying themselves on the floors below.

"Bad idea to get their attention now," commented Kyle.

They pressed on. They reached the commanders quarters, searching for the Sue; who is most likely commanding place. Just as they turned at a corner, two Joes with standard bullpup rifles spotted them and aimed at them. Ingrid and Kyle quickly dispatched them.

**WWOOOAAAHHH!!!**

Suddenly, the alarm started blaring. More Joes pursued them. Kyle and Ingrid started running away, returning fire as necessary. They then reached a lone hangar with a group of Joes standing in the open, pointing their weapons at them. Kyle and Ingrid were about to open fire when the Sue spoke.

"Stop, Society!" said the Sue in an intimidating voice. The two stopped, and looked at the direction of the voice. The Sue stepped forward from behind the group of Joes, with another two Joes holding Duke and Ripcord, two canon characters; in their custody.

"I can't let you waltz your way down here. What do you think you are? Joes? Don't make me laugh," stated the Sue.

"Well, if you're all so powerful, they why do you need hostages, Commander Sue?" questioned Kyle.

"Oh, just in case you're bringing some of your Society friends along. I'd drop all those weapons and that Communicator if I were you," replied Commander Sue. Shadowy characters watched the drama unfold as the two dropped their weapons and raised their hands. Commander Sue smiled to herself.

"Good. Go frisk them," commanded the Sue. Two Joes stepped forward and walked towards them. As the Joes approached them, Ingrid gave a wink to Kyle and pointed her thumb at her bracelet. Kyle was confused for a moment. Then, gunshots rang.

**BANG!BANG!**

The two Joes that were holding the canon characters were incapacitated, causing the other Joes to disperse. Commander Sue jumped as a shot rang and hit the spot she was standing on. Ingrid quickly ran towards the canon characters as Kyle, still confused, saw her run into the crossfire.

"Ingrid!" yelled Kyle as she jumped in front of Duke and Ripcord and activated her ray shield. Kyle quickly ran, activating his ray shield, to help her take the two characters to safety.

"What the hell were you doing?! You could have got yourself killed!" exclaimed Kyle as the bullets ricocheted off the shields.

"I was signaling you to use your ray shield when the Dark Guardians open fire! Just protect yourself from the Joes' fire!" replied Ingrid.

"How was I supposed to know THAT!?" shot back Kyle as they slowly backed themselves to the hangar gate. They came across two Joes cowering for cover from the Dark Guardians. Ingrid pulled out her pistol and fired two darts at the Joes, then taking the rifles from them and giving them to the canon characters.

"Non-lethal shots at the Joes. Commander Sue is our priority," stated Ingrid.

"I think we know that very well," replied Duke as he started using suppressing fire at the Joes. Ripcord quickly incapacitated some Joes firing at them.

Commander Sue was firing back at the Dark Guardians but kept missing them. They were concealed perfectly in the darkest corners of the hangar, and were visibly hard to aim. When the number of Joes started dwindling, four Dark Guardians scaled down the hangar and reached the ground. The Sue managed to get one in the shoulder, but the suppressing fire was too great. She then threw a flashbang grenade and made a run for it; running up the stairs to a corridor. Recovering from being blinded, the Dark Guardians were about to pursue her when Terry yelled out a command.

"Stay put and help take back the base! Ingrid, Kyle and I will pursue her!" commanded Terry as he raced up the stairs with Ingrid and Kyle trailing behind. Upon entering the corridor, Snake Eyes came and blocked their path. Terry stood firm as Snake Eyes charged at him.

**PLONK!**

Snake Eyes slammed on a hard, glass barrier, and was knocked unconscious. It was then revealed that Terry had done a transmutation; his palms were together. He then deconstructed the glass, allowing passage for Kyle and Ingrid to pursue the Sue while he stuck a Copyright sticker on Snake Eyes.

Ingrid and Kyle managed to catch up with the Sue, but she was already taking off in a Joe VTOL aircraft.

"So long, suckas!" yelled the Sue in triumph as she left the base. But what she didn't account for was that Ivan was standing in front of the entrance pod. He watched her grin turn into a frown as he took a shot at her with his sniper rifle. It hit her right in the abdomen, destroying some of the flight gear in the process. The aircraft spun out of control and crashed nearby. Ivan just lifted his rifle and rested it on his shoulder.

"All while drunk....hic!"said Ivan before suddenly falling asleep.

As the Sue crawled out of the wreckage, Ingrid and Kyle were standing before her; with a Prohibitor at hand. Kyle slapped the Prohibitor on her wrist, and her Sueishness faded away.

"You think that we'll lead you straight to our plan? I'm just a small cog in a very big machine!" exclaimed the Sue before biting onto something and dying in front of them. Kyle and Ingrid were surprised.

"Cyanide pill," explained Terry as he held up the drunken Ivan. Kyle shook his head in disappointment, took out the Prohibitor and kept it in his pocket.

"The takeover of the Joe base was just a diversion. Doug found the real prize at the Arctic," said Terry. Kyle and Ingrid turned to him; surprised.

* * *

"So this is what they've been hiding," commented Doug as he looked around the Cobra base. He and his team saw the the base filled with clone soldiers with the PCMSPS logo on their uniforms. Cloning vats, training facilities, tank bays; it looks like the Society foil was preparing for a large-scale war. Doug quickly formulated a plan to destroy this base once and for all.

"Let's go to the main control. There must be a protocol for self-destruct sequences there," said Doug to his team. They all quietly walked through the base and to the main control. Doug put a frame charge on the door, then stepping aside for a breach. The frame charge exploded, destroying the door, and Doug and his team mowed down the soldiers at the control center.

The alarm started blaring; they have very little time for staying at the center. They quickly got to work; Janice and Jocelyn guarded the entrances while the boys were hacking through the system. Jake found the protocol, and set the mode to self-destruct. They quickly navigated through the base, gunning down any opposition they encountered. When they were about to reach their escape route when Osiris stepped out and blocked their path.

"Targets acquired. Terminate," said Osiris as a particle cannon popped out from his shoulder and aimed at them.

"Get back!" yelled Doug as he activated his ray shield. The particle cannon fired, hitting the shield with enough force to throw Doug meters away from where he was standing. The Guardians fired at Osiris, but the bullets just bounced off his body.

"Action registered as annoying. Eradicate threat," said Osiris as he aimed the napalm launcher at them. Doug continued to hold up the ray shield, but they were further pushed back into the base. As the first ice shards hitting the base, springing leaks into the base, it doesn't look like Doug and his team will be able to get out of the base in time. Then a voice was heard from the back.

"Get down!" yelled the voice. Doug looked back and saw Maddie, carrying an AT4 rocket launcher. They all ducked, and Maddie fired the rocket at Osiris. It hit him square in the face; Osiris dropped to the floor with his face smoking almost immediately. Maddie then waved at them to follow her.

"Is he dead?!" yelled Jocelyn.

"Don't care! Let's get outta here!" yelled Doug as he trailed Maddie from the back. They kept running with a torrent of water rushing from the back. They entered a room and Doug closed the door shut. Maddie's Dark Guardians were already working in the room; the room was the launch facility.

"Launch the rocket!" exclaimed one of the Dark Guardians. The booster engines fired up, and then left the launch pad and into the tube.

"Get to the launch pads, hurry!" exclaimed Maddie as they exited the room from another door. They reached the launch pad and a rope fell down from the tube.

"Belt up!" exclaimed Doug as they all locked their hooks on the length of rope. After securing themselves on the rope, Maddie gave the command to pull them out. The rope began to tense up, and then one by one, they were jerked up to the Arctic surface. As they exited the tube, leaks sprang and water came gushing out from it. All of them made it out safely, and the helicopter slowly descended, allowing all of them to get off the rope. The last two were Doug and Maddie, and they laid on the ice, next to each other, panting heavily from the exhaustion. Then Doug spoke.

"Thanks for getting us out," thanked Doug.

"We're even now, OK?" replied Maddie. Doug just smiled, remembering the time he had to rescue her. He then reached out to her hand and held it tightly. She turned and smiled at him; he smiled back. Then Jake and Jocelyn approached them.

"Doug, Maddie, the chopper's waiting. Need a hand?" asked Jake. Doug put out a hand and Jake grabbed it and pulled him up. Jocelyn did the same for Maddie. They all then walked to the Black Hawk, got into it, and disappeared as the Black Hawk took off and entered a plothole.

* * *

"They did really want to hit us at our weakest," commented Tash as she read the reports.

"I can say that this is the work of Aryan, rogue author. No one else other than authors can manufacture something this big, and with him teaming up with the PCMSPS; they could be quite troublesome," replied Doug.

"Are there any plans to combat this threat?"asked Tash.

"I think we've destroyed the main bulk of the forces they were creating, but the Author has set up an underground network to keep this growing threat in check. I'm pretty sure the Author will mobilize once he finds it," replied Doug.

"I sure hope he knows what he's doing. I don't want another assault on this Library again," said Tash.

"We'll keep you updated with our intelligence network. If it needs the Society to intervene, then the threat will be notified," replied Doug. Tash nodded and Doug left the office. Then Ingrid entered the office.

"Ingrid, stepping in the middle of a crossfire almost gave me a heart attack," said Tash.

"I'm sorry," replied Ingrid; her head was down.

"It's okay. You did what's right anyway. So.....," Tash got up, walked towards Ingrid and gave her a badge. "Welcome to the Society."

* * *

Insert Society ED Here

* * *

"I told you it was a bad idea!" yelled Eolhc as she worked on Osiris' eyes.

"So, how are you going to explain yourself, Aryan?" asked Deraj, looking very annoyed.

"Not to worry. This is a minor setback," replied Aryan.

"Minor? We lost at least 85% of our bulk there!" exclaimed Deraj. Aryan drew out his revolver and fired a shot close to Deraj's head. Deraj whimpered.

"It is because the Wanderers found out, not the Society," said Aryan before twisting the revolver around his finger and slotting it into its holster.

"This is an opportunity. Since we know what they're capable of, we just have to........create a counter," said Aryan.

* * *

**A/N: Aah! It's good to be back! Commander Sues and Commander Stus would be the other commanders of the PCMSPS army (if they don't get blown up all the time), so use them freely. Alas, the Society gets another member, and it's up to the Society to shape her into the Agent they want. The ray shield will be a standard ACMSES device, and soon, other riot gear that Ulera and I had planned over the course of the season. Doug's retiring, and more info on the Wanderers and the Dark Guardians can be found on the ACMSES wikia. So, enjoy the story and cheers mates!**


End file.

G. I. Joe, Adventure, Parody