G. I. Joe The Cobra Cocktail Party

**The disclaimer saying that I don't own any GI Joe characters is lost in the mail. Just another mad Cobra fic that ran through my head and having fun with a few characters from some old episodes.**

**The Cobra Cocktail Party**

"Okay explain to me why we are doing this **again**?" The Baroness asked as she put her diamond earrings on. She was wearing a long black evening dress and diamond necklace.

"My dear Baroness," Destro walked up to her wearing his most polished armor. "You know a man in my position has to socialize with his colleagues every now and then."

"Every now and then? We see those idiots **every day!**" The Baroness snapped. "It's bad enough we have to work with those intellectually challenged buffoons but must we spend our free time with those jackanapes as well?"

"You think I **want** to do this?" Destro snapped. "You think I wouldn't rather be shot at than spend time with those common peasants and low class morons? I would rather have my arm chopped off with a rusted hacksaw than engage in conversation with people whose IQ is slightly lower than that of an eggplant!"

"Then why are they coming here?" The Baroness shouted. "The reason we came to your castle in Scotland was to get **away** from those lunatics!"

"Look I am not just Cobra's second in command, I am the head of the MARS foundation," Destro sighed. "I do have other clients other than Cobra."

"Name one."

"All right there's…" Destro began. "No wait, he was killed last week. Of course there's always…Never mind. He's in prison. Um, there's Doctor…No wait he's in the hospital. Or is he dead? I forgot. Let me get my list."

"This night is going to be magic I just know it," The Baroness said sarcastically.

"Look I know other people are coming I just can't figure out who!" Destro snapped as he took out a black book. "My personal secretary sent out all the invitations. Look here are the names of all my non Cobra clientele. These are all the people that are coming."

The Baroness looked at it. "Well you can cross those two at the top off. They were blown up yesterday."

"Really? What happened?" Destro was surprised.

"They tried to pull a double cross at the same time and killed each other," The Baroness told him. "Wasn't a total loss. Where do you think my new chambermaid came from?"

"You know I thought she looked familiar," Destro took out a pen and crossed their names off. "Well I know **he's** coming!"

"HIM?" The Baroness snapped. "Are you insane? After what he did to me?"

"Baroness that was several years ago," Destro told her. "Besides this is business."

"Destro, the Gamesmaster kidnapped me and forced me to play his stupid survivor game!"

"Well he also did the same to Cobra Commander and two Joes so that proves he has his good points!" Destro snapped. "Besides, ever since the reality TV craze took off he's been spending more time pitching his ideas to Hollywood rather than kidnapping people."

"I still don't have to like it!" The Baroness snapped. "Who else?"

"Well I'm afraid she cancelled," Destro sighed as he pointed to another name. "It's such a shame too. She really knows how to make a party come to life."

"I know," The Baroness sighed. "Five months in prison is such a downer. Remind me to send Martha another fruit basket. Who else?"

"He's coming," Destro pointed to another name. "And so is she."

"Dr. Lucifer and Dr. Attila?" The Baroness gasped. "Those two **freaks**? Why them?"

"It's helpful to have friends in the scientific community," Destro sighed.

"Destro let's forget a moment about the debacle with the 'Hi-Freq' invention Lucifer made to control animals," The Baroness said. "You know what happens every time they're in the same room together. They bicker and fight and throw acid on each other!"

"Well at least they'll make the party interesting!" Destro snapped.

"Interesting? Last time we lost five guests because they tried to poison each other and ended up poisoning **us** instead!" The Baroness snapped. "I had to get my stomach pumped twice!"

"Well this time I've taken precautions and have a medical team standing by," Destro snapped at her. "Trust me, it will be a night you will never forget."

"That's what I'm worried about!" The Baroness snapped.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"What do you mean they **cancelled**?" Destro shouted at his butler. "I don't care if their countries are at war with each other! That's no reason to back out of my invitation!"

"I'm sorry sir," The butler said. "I'm just telling you what they told me."

"Oh never mind," Destro waved. "It's not your fault. Just prepare for the guests and announce them when they arrive." The butler left and Destro took in the huge buffet table and festive decorations in the hall. "This is going to be a disaster!"

"Destro, there was no way you could have known those two countries would start a war the very night of your party," The Baroness told him.

"I wouldn't put it past them," Destro snapped. "Those two always were sneaks and liars. Unfortunately they're not only two of my biggest clients but the two most **sane** people on my list!"

"In our line of work that's saying something," The Baroness sighed.

"My Lord and Lady," The Butler coughed. "Announcing Crimson Guard Commanders Xamot and Tomax with Cadet Demming."

The twin Xamot and Tomax walked in with an attractive blonde woman wearing a red dress. "Xamot, Tomax," Destro made a slight nod of respect towards them. "Glad you could come."

"Oh Cadet Demming," The Baroness smiled sweetly. "Nice to see you out of the mental hospital."

"I've been out for over **two** years," Cadet Demming said icily. "And it wasn't a mental hospital! It was a relaxation center. I needed to get away from the pressures of my job after that incident in Springfield."

"Yes eating and dressing oneself can get quite taxing," The Baroness grinned.

"It was Battle Stress Disorder," Xamot snapped.

"A legitimate thoroughly documented disease," Tomax snapped.

"It can happen to anyone," They both said.

"Lucky for the two of you," The Baroness sipped some wine. "Otherwise you both would never get a date."

"Dr. Mindbender and Miss Lucy," The Butler announced Mindbender and a blonde woman with a strangely vacant look in his eyes.

"Did he doll up one of his experiments and pretended it's his date, **again**?" The Baroness asked.

"At least he didn't bring the one with the tentacles," Destro sighed. "Mindbender so good to see you. And who is this charming lady? Where did you dig her up?"

"He meant that literally of course," Xamot remarked.

"Ha, ha, ha…Lucy here is an…Old friend," Mindbender grinned. "Say hello to the nice people Lucy."

"Hello to the nice people Lucy," Her tinny voice practically scratched their eardrums.

"Such a comedian," Mindbender laughed nervously. "Lucy how about you go over by the punch bowl and get us something to drink please?"

"Yes Master," Lucy blinked and walked away.

"Cute little pet names," Mindbender chuckled. "So who else is coming?"

"Okay Mindbender spill it," The Baroness asked. "What's wrong with her?"

"What? Is it so hard to believe that I could find an attractive woman and ask her out on a date?" Mindbender asked.

"Yes," Both Xamot and Tomax remarked at the same time.

"The only way you find your dates," Xamot began.

"Is at the bottom of a test tube," Tomax finished.

"At least I don't find them in the psycho ward!" Mindbender snapped.

"Listen Baldy…" Cadet Demming snarled.

"Oh look why don't we…"Xamot grabbed one of her arms.

"Get more punch?" Tomax finished.

"Are you gonna let that freak insult me like that?" Cadet Demming asked as the twins led her away.

"Now dear," Tomax sighed.

"Remember what the doctor said…" Xamot added.

"Before or after I chased him with a sledgehammer?" Cadet Demming blinked.

"I never thought I'd say this Mindbender but your date seems quite stable tonight," Destro remarked as the three left for the buffet table.

"Never did trust that scheming little witch," The Baroness snarled. She mocked. "Yes Xamot and Tomax. Whatever you say Xamot and Tomax. Would you like me to kiss your butt some more Xamot and Tomax?"

"Now my dear Baroness," Destro said. "Let us not be petty tonight. At least until the guests have gone."

"And that Cadet business?" The Baroness went on. "Why is she still a cadet? She's obviously sleeping her way to the top!"

"Oh and we wouldn't know anything about that would we my dear Baroness?" Dr. Mindbender cooed.

"Go play with your petri dishes, Mindbender," The Baroness hissed. "Look someone else is arriving."

" Announcing The Gamesmaster and…" The Butler looked at the Gamesmaster's companion, a brightly colored robotic clown. "Friend…"

"Oh god, he brought the clown…" Destro winced.

"Well you can't expect a robot to have good taste," The Baroness quipped.

"Oooh! Look at the spread Coco!" The huge bald man with an enormous gut and a black beard clapped his hands. "Isn't this lovely?"

"Gamesmaster likes party?" Coco asked in a tinny voice.

"Oh I love a good party!" The Gamesmaster grinned. "I wonder if there will be a game of pin the tail on the donkey?"

"Well there are certainly enough asses to go around," The Baroness muttered under her breath. "Speaking of which, looks like Zartan and the Dreadnoks have arrived."

"Yo everyone!" Buzzer shouted. "The Dreadnoks are here and we're going to par-tay! Yeah!"

"How the hell did **they **get in here?" Destro growled. "I did **not** invite them!"

"Cobra Commander did," Mindbender informed him.

"Oi! Look at the spread!" Ripper shouted.

"Time to sample the repast," Road Pig remarked. "Yeah! Let's stuff our faces!"

"Hey! I didn't know there were gonna be clowns here!" Torch remarked as he pointed to Coco.

"Only the ones that were invited," Destro sighed. "He did that on purpose to annoy me! I know it! That miserable, lousy…My Dear Cobra Commander!" He quickly changed his tone when the object of his hate walked into the room. "How good to see you."

"Sorry I'm late Destro," Cobra Commander said. "Actually I'm even sorrier that I couldn't come up with a better excuse not to come here."

"You and me both!" The Baroness said. "But don't worry the entertainment hasn't started yet."

"Look Coco! I can juggle five plates at once!" The Gamesmaster said gleefully.

CRASH!

"Okay four plates at once…" 

"I knew I should have taken out insurance at this party…" Destro sighed.

"Lucy! Lucy! No we don't put punch bowls on our heads!" Mindbender called out. "Excuse me!" He went off after her.

"Mindbender cooked up a winner tonight," Cobra Commander said. "Five will get you ten she's a synthoid."

"No," Destro shook his head. "Not after last time. I'm still cleaning plastic goop out of one of my limos. I say she's a lobotomy patient."

"You're on," Cobra Commander remarked.

"Destro," Zandar walked up to them with Zartan. "Who is that charming lady with Mindbender?"

"She's Mindbender's date," The Baroness informed them. "You want to meet her?"

"On second thought I'll pass," Zandar gulped. "Thanks for the warning! The last time Mindbender brought a date to one of these things it ate six people! Of course two of them were already poisoned so…"

"I'll still never forget the mess that it made," Zartan sighed. "When will Mindbender learn not to make his dates himself?"

"Actually I liked the one with the tentacles," Cobra Commander said. "Once you got past that and the orange skin she was rather attractive."

"You only say that because she made out with you in the coat check room," Zartan pointed out.

"So did you!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Yes, but at least I didn't have to pay her to do so," Zartan sneered.

"I may not pay **you** for a while if you don't watch that tongue of yours," Cobra Commander warned.

"Don't touch me!" A black haired woman wearing square glasses and a red dress stormed in. "I know those gloves are laced with poison ivy!"

"Yes and how considerate of you to turn them inside out and put tacks in my shoes!" A white haired man in a tuxedo snapped. "Harpy!"

"SNAKE!"

"WITCH!"

"Dr. Lucifer and Dr. Attila…" The Butler announced.

"You let those **freaks** in?" Cobra Commander asked.

"And you didn't want the Dreadnoks here?" Zandar gasped.

"We're in luck. Looks like they're in one of their **good **moods tonight," Zartan quipped.

"Dr. Attila, Dr. Lucifer," Destro walked up to them. "So nice to meet you. Assume the position!"

"Really Destro," Dr. Lucifer said. "We were already frisked…"

"I said assume the position! Up against the wall! Now!" Destro ordered.

"You realize this is all your fault," Dr. Attila snapped as she did so.

"MY FAULT?" Dr. Lucifer snarled. "Who's the one who threw in those piranhas at the last pool party we went to?"

"Shut up the both of you!" The Baroness snapped. She ordered a maid and a butler, "Frisk them!"

The servants searched the two of them. The maid screamed when she found a scorpion in Dr. Attila's purse. The guard found something that exploded in fire. "Another invisible flame thrower, Dr. Lucifer?" Destro sighed as the butler ran around on fire.

"At least we didn't bring acid or poison this time," Dr. Lucifer huffed.

"Somebody please put out that butler so we can get on with the party?" Destro sighed.

Twenty minutes later…

"I knew this party would be a disaster," The Baroness grunted to Zarana. "The Gamesmaster is eating all the food, Dr. Attila just tried to shove Dr. Lucifer out the window…"

"GET THOSE FIRE EXTINGUISHERS OVER HERE!" Destro yelled.

"Who retaliated by setting the curtains on fire," Zarana commented. "That stupid clown robot is leaking oil everywhere."

"BREATH MINTS!" Torch shouted as he tackled Buzzer.

"CANDY MINT!" Ripper tackled Torch.

"And the Dreadnoks are engaged in their usual debate with that sparkling wit they're famous for," The Baroness sighed. "I knew this night would be magic. Think I'll make another Cosmopolitan disappear."

CRASH!

"BREATH MINTS!"

"CANDY MINTS!"

"WE NEED ANOTHER FIRE EXINGUISHER AND WE NEED IT NOW!" Destro shouted.

Cobra Commander, Zartan and Mindbender were standing together. "Are you sure she's not a synthoid?" Cobra Commander asked.

"For the last time! Lucy is not a synthoid!" Mindbender snapped. "**Or** a lobotomy patient! **Or **a monkey's brain in a robot's body! And she **wasn't **grown out of a petri dish in a lab!"

"Well then she has to be an android then," Cobra Commander folded his arms.

"That is totally ridiculous!" Mindbender snapped. "Lucy and I are in a relationship! Who could have a relationship with a robot?"

"Has anyone seen my Coco?" Gamesmaster wandered over to them. "I haven't seen the poor dear in half an hour! He gets so cranky when we get separated! Oh where or where could my bestest buddy be?"

"Let me rephrase that…" Mindbender winced.

"Well the fires are finally out," Destro walked over to them. "What were we talking about?"

"How Mindbender's date has got to be an android," Zartan told him.

"Now that is just plain…." Mindbender began.

"BUZZ! BUZZ!" All of the sudden both Lucy and Coco fell out from behind a curtain. Sparks were coming from her head as she pressed her lips to his.

"Accurate?" Zartan remarked casually.

"COCO!" The Gamesmaster shouted. "GET YOUR HAND OFF THAT ROBOTIC TRAMP! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE'S SHE'S BEEN!"

"HEY! SHE'S PERFECTLY CLEAN! AT LEAST SHE'S NOT LEAKING OIL ALL OVER THE PLACE!" Mindbender snapped. "Uhhh…"

"So you built an android and brought her to the party," Cobra Commander snickered. "And now she's making out with the clown-bot!"

"COCO! HOW COULD YOU?" Gamesmaster sobbed. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY SPECIAL FRIEND!"

"Okay way too much information here!" Zarana said.

"You couldn't have brought the one with the tentacles?" Dr. Lucifer snapped at Mindbender. "At least she was fun!"

"Only because you made out with her!" Dr. Attila screamed as she threw a chair at him.

"Oh who **didn't **make out with the one with the tentacles?" Destro snapped. He then shot a nervous look at the Baroness. "Besides me obviously."

"Really?" The Baroness folded her arms and angrily tapped her foot. "Do tell."

"Baroness please give me some credit!" Destro held up his hands.

"You can't give any man any credit at all!" Dr. Attila screamed as she chased around Dr. Lucifer with another chair. "Except for being total pieces of sewage!" She tossed it at him.

Dr. Lucifer barely dodged it. "All right woman you have tested my patience enough tonight! If you don't cease this insanity! I will be forced to put my foot down!"

"Bring it on," Dr. Attila growled at him. "Wussy."

"Don't…Ever…Call…Me **That!**" Dr. Lucifer shouted.

"Wussy!"

"I'm warning you woman!"

"WUSSY!"

"I MEAN IT!"  
"WUSSY!"

"THAT'S IT!" Dr. Lucifer pressed his bow tie. His outfit transformed into a battle suit. "NOW I'M EXTREMELY UPSET!"

"GOOD!" Dr. Attila managed to transform her outfit into a battle suit. "LET'S DO THIS!"

"Oh dear God in heaven no…" Destro moaned.

"Everybody place your bets!" Torch shouted gleefully as the two of them went at it, trashing the castle around them.

"Fifty on Dr. Attila!" Zarana shouted.

"A hundred on Lucifer!" Buzzer waved some money.

"Keep that silicone slut away from my Coco!" The Gamesmaster was trying to pry Coco off Lucy.

"ME?" Mindbender was trying the same with Lucy. "You keep that contemptuous clown away from Lucy, Fatty!"

"What did you say?" Gamesmaster's face turned red.

"FATTY!" Mindbender snapped. "FAT! FAT! FATTY FAT FAT!"

"DIE!" Gamesmaster chased around Mindbender. Mindbender managed to duck a punch and slap him. "WAHHHH! HE HIT ME!"

"And to think I didn't even want to come tonight," Cobra Commander chuckled. "This is a fun party!"

"Why can't we do as much damage to GI Joe as we do to ourselves?" Destro moaned. "WHY? WHY?"

"Destro darling," The Baroness looked at him. "You know the most lovely people."


End file.

G. I. Joe, Humor