G. I. Joe The Remedy

**Disclaimer: **None of them mine (if they were, a certain someone wouldn't have been killed! sob) All belong to Hasbro and Marvel and DDP.

This fic is partially based on personal experiences. No redhead has a better friend in summer than... read and find out.

* * *

**The Remedy  
**by Freespirit

"Ahhhhh..." Clutch sighed and put his iced drink aside. "This is life."

Since everyone at the Motor Pool had been pulling quite some overtime lately, Steeler had – in agreement with Hawk – given his team the afternoon off. Not knowing what else to do on this hot summer day they had retreated to the pool area and were now lazying around in deck chairs.

Clutch looked around and noticed Cover Girl spreading sunscreen on her arms. A wicked grin spread across his face.

"Hey Court," he called to her. "Need some help putting that stuff on your back?"

The former model looked at him. "Sure... from someone who can keep their hands to themselves."

"I told you my hand slipped last time!"

Steeler looked up from his newspaper. "Just be glad Wayne wasn't around then. Otherwise his boot would have slipped onto your butt, instead of Court's fist to your nose."

"You being violent to our boys again, Courtney?" Scarlett asked as she joined them, carrying a brown bag.

"Only when they deserve it," the tank jockey replied. "Did you get everything? Sorry, if I had known I'd have the afternoon off I'd have gone myself."

Scarlett waved her off. "Ah, no sweat. You went shopping for me last week, remember?"

She began to unpack some contents of the bag. "Just a sec, I'll have them right out."

Meanwhile, Clutch and Steeler watched with increasing interest what their teammate had purchased.

"Going on a dairy products diet, Red?" Steeler asked at seeing numerous jars of yogurt.

"Huh? Ah, no... you won't believe it, but these," she pointed to the jars, "are my best friends in summer."

Raising an eye brow, Steeler looked at Clutch, not quite understanding what Scarlett meant.

"What did you bring my favorite tank jockey?" Clutch quipped, winking at the women.

"This," Cover Girl said and quickly pulled a box of tampons of the bag, presenting it to the men with a grin.

"Whoa... um.. okay... forget I asked," Clutch said and turned around, while Steeler quickly hid his face behind his paper.

"Come on, Shana. Let's get this stuff back to our quarters... be right back, guys!"

Steeler looked up from his newspaper. "Um, sure, okay, just.. take your time. As much as you need."

As they walked off, Scarlett looked at Cover Girl oddly. "All you asked me to bring were M & M's and gummi bears."

"I know. See, when the time comes up that I need those," she waved the box under Scarlett's nose, "Clutch leaves me alone and the others treat me like a queen to evade my wrath."

Ten minutes later, Steeler stood up and stretched. When he turned his head, he noticed that Clutch, who had been sitting in the sun, had already gained a nice tan.

"Hey, Lance?"

"'s up?" the other man said, his eyes still closed.

"Don't you think you should cut back on the sunlight a little or at least use some sunscreen?"

"Never needed that stuff, and never got burned. Don't worry. This grease monkey knows what he's doing."

"Okay." Steeler folded the newspaper. "I'm going inside for a bit. You wanna come too?"

"Nah... I'll catch me some more rays... you done with that paper?"

Grinning, Steeler handed it to his friend. "Enjoy... and don't stay out here too long."

"I won't, dad," Clutch replied and and flipped the pages to the sports section.

One hour later and some cups of coffee later, Cover Girl returned to the pool to get her stuff, when she noticed that Clutch was still there, but now sound asleep with a newspaper spread over most of his legs. But that wasn't what caught her attention.

"Oh f..."

She rushed over to him, figuring out a way to wake him without touching him.

"Clutch, Clutch, wake up."

Nothing.

"I lost my bikini top in the pool. Can you get it for me?"

"Wha...?" he shot up. "Oww! What the hell...?"

"Better go over to the locker rooms and see for yourself."

Wondering where the sudden pain in his chest, arms and on his face came from, Clutch staggered to the locker rooms, Cover Girl hot on his heels. She stopped in front of the door to the men's room and started counting.

"One... two... three..."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

Clutch raced out.

"I LOOK LIKE A COOKED LOBSTER!"

"You sure do," Cover Girl said, barely able to contain her laughter.

"Oh man, what am I supposed to do now?"

"Go see Lifeline?"

"Can't." Clutch bowed his head. "He told me not to come into the infirmary unless the Grim Reaper was knocking on my door. All because of the new nurses who got my motives wrong."

Cover Girl rolled her eyes. That was Clutch for you.

"Well, then you probably should go see Shana."

"Shana? Why her?"

"If someone knows a remedy for sunburn... it's a redhead. Trust me."

A few minutes – and a humiliating walk across base – later, Clutch knocked on Scarlett's door.

"Please be home, please be home," he whispered until the door finally opened... and Scarlett's jaw dropped when she saw him.

"Oh... my... God."

"Court said you might be able to help me."

"Sure... come in," she said, suppressing a giggle.

Carefully not to touch anything with his shoulders or arms, Clutch stepped into the apartment and noticed that Scarlett was not alone.

"Hey, Duke," he said.

"Hello," the other man grumbled and fastened the buttons on his shirt.

"Conrad," Shana said as she came out of the kitchenette, holding two jars of yogurt and a spoon. "Would you please get me a large towel from my bedroom? The ones one the highest shelf are the softest."

Still grumbling, Duke disappeared into her bedroom and came back with a towel.

"Spread it over the couch, please," Scarlett said as she stirred the yogurt. When he was done, she turned to Clutch. "Now lay down, on your back."

The mechanic did as he was told, wondering what would come next.

"Okay... this might be a little cold, but trust me it helps."

Without further ado, she slapped the first spoonful of yogurt on his chest and spread it on his burnt skin.

"YOOOOW! Coldcoldcold..."

"Just for a second."

Gently, Scarlett applied more of the yogurt.

"Ayayayay... this is coooooold... God, does that good."

Scarlett grinned. "Feeling better already?"

"Oh hell, yes... please don't stop."

"I won't."

A few minutes later, Scarlett had covered all burnt areas of Clutch's skin with yogurt.

"Jesus Christ, that is good... where did you get this trick from?"

Scarlett smiled. "Old redhead sunburn remedy. We get sunburns very easily, that's why I always have a big stash of yogurt in my fridge during summer. It pulls out the sting and gives moisture to the skin at the same time."

"I won't see yogurt the same ever again... thank you, Shana. You're my savior. How can I thank you?"

"By leaving right now," Duke grumble and Scarlett slapped him on the arm.

"Just stay out of the sun for a while and put on more yogurt in an hour."

She handed him a jar.

"Thanks... well, then... I'll see you later," he said as he got up from the couch and left. When he closed the door, Duke turned to Scarlett.

"One of us should go after him and tell him that he's till covered in yogurt..."

Both looked at each other.

"Naaah!"

He grinned at her, his arms around her waist. "Now where were we?"

Grinning, Scarlett picked up the jar of honey on the table. "Trying to figure out a remedy for your dry skin..."

"Oh yeah," he smiled and pulled the towel off the couch, while Scarlett opened his shirt...


End file.

G. I. Joe, Humor