RWBY 1. Contract?

**Author's Note: Okay, so most of you are probably wondering something along the line of 'what is this and where the hell is he going with it?' Those of you familiar with the more recent chapters of one of my other stories, 'The Diary of Glynda Goodwitch' are probably slightly less in the dark, but to all of you I would like to confidently state that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing here, so I'm just gonna roll with it. You see, I got the image of Magical Glynda in my head and it hasn't left me alone, so here we are. If this is utter garbage, then I'm sorry to have wasted all of our time, but if you'd like to see more of this quassi-parodic little adventure, do let me know. **

Glynda Goodwitch, age fourteen, was a normal girl attending a normal school, in the perfectly normal city of Vale. She had normal parents and normal friends, and a completely normal stuffed penguin collection. Most importantly though, Glynda Goodwitch was a good girl with a good dream; she wanted to help people. She would daydream about it every day as she ate her normal breakfast prepared by her normal stay-at-home Dad: she wanted to be somebody's hero. Glynda had a problem though; she was tired of being normal. She wanted to help people, sure, but she didn't want to be a doctor – Mom was already a doctor – well… sort of – and she did not want to be a firewoman – where was the satisfaction in saving peoples lives mindless accidents of nature or their own stupidity? No, Glynda wanted to fight for good and justice! But she didn't want to be a police officer either… too mundane…

The interested observer might take note that Glynda is not her career counselor's favorite person…

No, Glynda wanted more than that, for whatever else may be said of Glynda Goodwitch, her dreams certainly _were not _normal ones: Glynda Goodwitch wanted to be a Superhero! She just hadn't put much thought into how to go about it… She knew that she wanted to fight villains and save people from monsters and rescue kittens from very tall trees (although she assumed that any local dogs in distress could sort themselves out; she was allergic after all) and she wanted to do it in _style. _Indeed, no dour police uniform or heavy fireproof coat for her! She wanted to fight for justice and look good doing it!

And possibly get Ozpin-senpai to notice her…

As she walked to her perfectly normal school carrying her perfectly normal boxed lunch though, Glynda let out a sigh, because today was a perfectly normal day, and interesting things didn't usually happen on normal days. She could never tell her friends Cinder or Bartholomew about her dream - .they would think she was weird – indeed, she couldn't tell anyone; model students such as herself had to be careful about their image after al., so she straightened her glasses and continued on her normal way.

Little did Glynda know, today was not so normal a day as it first seemed.

* * *

"Let's see…" Glynda thought aloud as she walked – a bad habit, she knew, but it helped her concentrate through the day-to-day tedium of it all, "Today I have Algebra, English, and-,"

Fortunately or unfortunately depending entirely on one's point of view, Glynda's mundane little musings were interrupted when, seemingly from nowhere, there appeared a towering black monstrosity in her path. The casual reader might be given to interpret our heroine's terrified screams as signs of her displeasure as regards this decidedly atypical turn of events, but surely the astute observer can distinguish screams of surprised glee from those of mortal terror. You see, Glynda was positively _ecstatic _to have the dull monotony of her day to day ordinary life broken up by this slavering interloper – if not quite so eager to have her fragile fourteen-year old bones likewise mangled – here before her after all, stood the opportunity that she had always sought: a chance to hero and slay the beast – well, a chance to save her own skin _by _slaying the beast. Glynda had just one problem now: the black beast that towered over her had spikes and sharp teeth the likes of which she had never seen before, and it was like a mighty wolf that stood upon two legs, teeth and claws poised to rip and tear and kill and…

Suffice to say that Glynda hadn't quite sorted out how to summon her true potential just yet…

"W-what!?" One should not be so ignorant as to mistake Glynda's dashing for cover behind the nearest tree and trembling as signs of fear – no, Glynda was fearless; her trembling was surely born of righteous indignation that such a vicious beast could be allowed to prowl the parks of Vale city, and she hadn't run away – it had been a strategic withdrawal to behind the nearest tree to plan her counter attack… And the crying for mommy was… Well alright, _that _was mortal terror…

Fortune smiled upon Glynda that day – and no, not _misfortune' s_lavering, toothy snarl – Rather, a genuine spark of hope drifted down to her then and there, in the form of a little white fairy…

"Hey, kid!"

It took our aspiring heroine several moments before she would allow herself to be distracted from her foe, dedicated to her duties – and totally _not _preoccupied with self-preservation, but eventually Glynda spared a glance down toward the source of the voice, "W-what?"

The source of the voice to which Glynda responded was not another person as such, she was much too short, for one. No, Glynda's untimely conversational partner was about three inches tall, and was almost all white. She wore a tiny little bolero jacket and a tiny little combat skirt, she had a tiny little ponytail and tiny little boots. All told, her outfit was perfectly suited to her tiny little frame. Under better circumstances, she'd be positively adorable, were it not for the perpetual frown on her face.

"You're not very bright, are you?"

"Well _excuse me! _There's a giant _monster-!_"

"Yes, yes," the plush-doll sized person rolled her eyes, "But for the moment, you're safe,"

"How!?"

The small person facepalmed, "Honestly… Haven't you heard? Talking is a free action,"

"Come again?"

"For the moment, I'm concealing you magically, now can we _please _get down to business?"

"Magic? What!?"

The little pixie sighed in exasperation, twitching her tiny little gossamer wings, "You are talking to a three inch tall _fairy, dunce, _and the snarling monstrosity over their _hasn't _disemboweled you yet. Is it _really _that hard to believe?"

Our heroine was silent in the face of this newcomer's superior pixie-logic.

"Good," the fairy nodded, "Now, _I _can't save your life – too much paperwork – _but _I _can _help you save yourself, by giving you the necessary magical powers –,"

Despite everything, Glynda instantly brightened, jaw dropping, and the towering menace before her forgotten, "You mean I can be a Magical Girl,"

Yes, that was what Glynda had always aspired to be; she wanted to save people, and wear frilly dresses while doing it… Preferably without anyone else knowing about it, but it had been her dream since she was five years old. Her prospective partner, however, was not impressed.

"Ugh…" The pixie shook her head, "You watch too much anime… But essentially yes…" She produced a little scroll and unfurled it, and drew what looked like a toothpick-sized rapier from her hip, dipping the point in a tiny inkwell that appeared next to her, "And all you have to do is sign this contract-,"

Glynda adjusted her glasses, "This isn't gonna cost me my _soul, _is it?"

The Pixie massaged her own temples in frustration, leaving the contract and little pen to float there, "Stupid incident Q-Beta… One time! _One _mascot goes of the straight and narrow, and starts dealing _drugs _to minors in exchange for _their souls _and -," She heaved a sigh, "Do you have any idea how much harder my job's been because of _that? Mountains of paperwork and lawsuits and _GAH!"

"Um…" Our Heroine was indeed very confused.

"No, _I'm not going to charge you your soul,_" the fairy shook her head, "but you are going to have to trust me; now, are you _in or out? _You've got about forty five seconds to decide before the spell wears off,"

Glynda didn't need more convincing; she grabbed the pen and signed her name in the smallest handwriting she could muster. She did spare a thought to read the little scroll, but there really wasn't time for that, and besides, she was going to be a Magical Girl!

Nodding approvingly, the fairy spoke, "Excellent; Then on behalf of the Magic Alliance of Mascot Intermediaries, (MAMI for short) I, Weiss Schnee, the White Fairy hereby deputize you, Glynda Goodwitch, in the name of truth and justice etcetera, etcetera, etcetera… now don't screw this up!"

Suddenly, little Glynda was wrapped in light, and before her very eyes her normal little school uniform was transformed into… well… she got a black and purple cape out of it… Disappointed might be an adequate descriptor for Glynda's mood at this, but she also got a wand, so three was that… pity it was all black…

Glynda shoulders slumped, "Really? That's _it?_"

"Accessorize later, right now, we're kind of in a life or death situation!" The White Fairy snapped, "Now kill it!"

"Right!" With a new spark of determination in her eyes, Glynda assumed her fighting stance, twirling her wand as she declared, "In the name of truth, justice, etcetera-,"

The fairy facepalmed; added flamboyance was always a side-effect of these arrangements, but she would never understand the necessity of these ridiculous routines.

"-Magical Girl Glitter Glynda go!"

"Ehem," the Fairy cleared her throat, "If you're quite finished, _you have work to do!_"

Indeed, Glynda's proclamation had consumed what duration had remained of Weiss' concealing spell, and the beast before them had spotted them, and was crouching, ready to pounce. Done with her posturing, Glynda turned to face her foe, and with an instinctive swing of her wand, she cast forth a magnificent storm of blue light, which struck the creature as it lunged, freezing it in a slab of ice, and it shattered as it struck the ground.

"Well… That was… easy…"

"Of course it was; that was a _little one_," Glynda's fairy partner deadpanned, "But you did alright, I suppose…"

"Oh. My. GOD! I'm like totally a Magical Girl!" Glynda squeed at roughly ninety-seven and three-fifths decibels, whilst hopping up and down in excitement as it all sank in.

"I know it was only a few moments," The fairy sighed, "But I think I preferred you when you were cowering…"

"But-,"

"Apupup!" The fairy floated up to eye level, "This isn't a game! This is a _job! _As of precisely seventy-eight seconds ago, you have officially contracted yourself to MAMI,"

"Mommy?"

"No, no, no!" the fairy shook her head furiously, "_MAMI: _the Magic Alliance of Mascot Intermediaries! We are a _legitimate _agency!"

Glynda cocked her head, "Seriously?"

"Do I not look _serious _to you!?"

Indeed, the little white fairy did not appear amused. Her little fairy hands were planted firmly on her little fairy lips, wings fluttering madly as she kept aloft so as to stare Glynda down. Still, could our adorable bespectacled heroine really be blamed if she found it difficult to take lectures seriously when they came from a three-inch tall fairy? Certainly not.

"I guess…"

"Hmph," the fairy folded her arms over her tiny little chest, "Good, now _if you don't mind, _we have urgent business to attend to!"

"But I have school…"

The Fairy's eyebrow twitched, "School? School can wait! We have monsters to fight!"

"But-,"

"You see _that?_" the fairy angrily gestured at the frozen pieces of monster strewn about, "That was a _Grimm! _Most people can't even _see _them without a representative of MAMI present! But even so, they sneak into the city and wreak _havoc _on a daily basis! Do you know how much _paperwork _I have to do to cover that up!? And besides, you signed the contract! You _have to help me!_"

"Fine…" Glynda sighed, "But I want _you _to explain why I was gone to my teacher…"

The fairy blinked a few times, "Not so chipper and giddy now, huh? Maybe we'll get along after al…"

"So what did you need?" Glynda asked scuffing the dirt with a sigh; she'd really been hoping for a prettier outfit…

"Well you see," the fairy began, "One of my associates may have gotten herself into a bit of a bind…"

* * *

"So you want me to rescue a _red _fairy?"

"Mmhmm,"

"From _That!?_"

"Yep,"

"Is there an escape clause to this contract?"

"Fraid not,"

"Wonderful…"

**What will Glynda do now? What is the monster holding the Red fairy captive, and who, for that matter – Okay I'm not even gonna pretend to obfuscate the red fairy's identity, that would just insult your intelligence and mine more than this story's very existence already has… Still, I hope you had fun with it, and I am certainly open to writing more if anyone actually wants to read it. For now though, Wiedersehen, and have a good day.**


	2. To the Rescue!

_**Las time, on Magical Girl Glitter Glynda-Chan…**_

"_I get to be a Magical Girl!"_

"_You watch too much anime…" _

"_Magical Girl Glitter Glynda Go!"_

_*Facepalm*_

"_You want me to rescue a Red Fairy from THAT!?"_

"_Yep"_

"_Wonderful…"_

* * *

It had been a _very _exciting morning for our young heroine today – one minute she was on her way to another normal, boring school day, and the next she was an honest-to-Dust _Magical Girl! _What could have been better! It had been her dream since the age of five, and when push came to shove, all it took to make it happen was one _very small _signature on what had to be the _very smallest _(though still _very _legally binding) contract ever drawn up, presented to her courtesy of one _very irritable _little white Fairy… Sure, she still was not quite sure what the contract had actually entailed, but who cared about that? She was like totally a Magical Girl! With a Mascot and everything!

It was too late to worry about the fine print now anyway…

In the precisely fifteen minutes and thirty-eight seconds that it had taken for her very particular tiny little fairy mascot acquaintance to lead her to the site of her first mission as a Magical Girl – apparently saving one's _own skin _didn't count as fighting for truth, justice, _or etcetera – _little Glynda Goodwitch had caught herself having second thoughts. Not about being a Magical Girl – no, that was _truly wonderful – _although the most irritable little white fairy had yelled at our heroine until she was red in the face about how she never, _ever _should use those specific words again (people had been known to lose heads that way apparently) –but rather, her second thoughts concerned this _particular _quest specifically; She really should have been going to school… If she didn't she would get into trouble and endanger her status as model student! And possibly miss out on the penguin-shaped rice balls that came with lunch on Wednesdays…

Still, she was going to be a _hero _now, and she could deal with that! What, after all, were novelty rice balls next to the fight for truth, justice, and etcetera!? Nothing! Thus it was that our brave and noble heroine had resolve to forge on with her duties, because some things were more important than school or penguins!

At least until she saw the fifty foot tall, two-headed snake… School was looking _pretty important _right about then…

* * *

"Do I _have to?_" Our heroine was most certainly not chickening out - she was simply opening her mind to alternative solutions.

"As laid down in Article Sixty-three, Sub-section twenty-five, Paragraph two, line seven – _Yes,_" The rather legalistic little white fairy stated flatly in answer,

"Article _how many?_" Glynda gaped, almost more horrified by the implicit length of her contract than by the hissing behemoth just beyond whose view she was most decidedly _not _cowering, "Just how many articles are there?!"

"Approximately five hundred seventy two,"

"APPROXIMATELY!?"

The little pixie just shrugged, adjusting the lapel of her tiny little bolero jacket, "The legal department changed the contract last week; I haven't had time to check _all _the sections just yet…"

"So _you don't even KNOW what I signed up for!? _That contract was the size of a _sticky note!_"

"Fairy script is a _highly efficient tongue…_" Another tiny little pixie shrug came in answer to our Heroine's exasperation, and she pointed in the direction of the massive coiling snake-beast, currently hissing and writhing about in Vale City junkyard, "And either way, I know you have to fight _that,_"

"Can't we just… you know, sneak in, rescue your friend, and sneak out?" On should not mistake our selfless heroine's resourceful and cunning plan for cowardice; she was a Magical Girl after all.

"Firstly," Glynda's tiny partner went into pixie-lecture mode once again, "She is _not _my friend, she is an _associate. _Secondly, I wouldn't have brought you out here if it were that easy. And before you ask, it _isn't _that easy because the caped _dunce _went and got herself _swallowed! _Can you believe that? _Swallowed! _Alive and whole! Do you know what that means? That means I have to fill out a _Class A incident report when this is all over! _Do you have _any idea _how long those take!?" The tiny little fairy was positively seething with uncontrollable stress-induced pixie rage now as she levitated at eye level with our heroine, "So, _Magical Girl Glitter Glynda-,_"

"Did it really sound that silly when I said it…?"

"GO!"

Reluctantly, our noble Heroine emerged from her strategic cover position – which was _absolutely not _a hiding spot – sparing just one last question before she readied herself to charge head-on into glorious battle, "Are we even sure that she's still alive…?"

The little white fairy's eyebrow twitched, "She'd _better _be… She's still an intern, so our insurance provider will _lynch me _if she gets herself killed on my watch…"

"Will they use thread or yarn?" Magical Glynda asked dryly.

Her fairy partner just rolled her eyes, "You better hope she's too stupid to die – They'll come after you too, since you work under me-,"

"WHAT!?"

"Article-,"

"_Okay, I get it!_" Heaving a deep breath of the refreshing junkyard breeze, our beleaguered Heroine declared, "Magical Girl-,"

"Save it,"

"Fine…"

With a mighty, overwhelming, and _one hundred percent NOT terrified _battle cry, Glynda raised her wand and charged the vicious garbage-dwelling monstrosity. She bounded over the wrecks of abandoned cars, slid gracefully down heaping piles of stinking refuse, and at _no point _in her magnificent progress did she nearly trip on an extraneous bit of lead pipe... Soon enough, the wicked beast that she had come here to slay had noticed her, and the truly epic battle of the Vale junkyard – truly a tale worthy of story and song – had begun!

The fifty foot serpent – well, _fifty three and a half foot serpent, _as the little white fairy would later specify on page seventeen of her incident report – had two heads: one black, one white, both of which equipped with _very large fangs. _It's girth was greater than that of a tree, and it's jaw could spread wide enough to swallow our intrepid Heroine whole – precisely as one or the other of the heads had presumably swallowed the red fairy, whom Glynda was now charged with liberating from the monster's entrails, preferably before she could be digested.

'_You've got this Glynda!' _thought our plucky Heroine to herself – not that her courage needed bolstering, _'Just like the other one; never mind the fact that this one's a giant – well, two giant snakes… sort of… Or that it's like, five times the size of the other one – Remember, size doesn't matter!' _

Summoning up all of her determination and desire to help people, Glynda conjured up the same blue light that she had _totally meant to use _to win her first battle, and with a swing of her disappointingly drab black wand, sent the shimmering blue light on Its way to smite her foe with the righteousness of her strength and goodness! It was just a pity that she struck the middle of it, freezing only a portion of the beast's body roughly the size of a golf cart…

"Oh, now you've done it… You've just pissed it off…" the white fairy facepalmed.

"B-but," Our Heroine stammered, mouth agape at the sight of the still _very much not dead _Grimm-serpent as it reared up to strike; perhaps she'd failed to muster enough truth and justice this time. Or was it more 'etcetera' that she needed? "T-that killed the last one!"

"Are you stupid, or just blind?" the pixie asked, eyebrow raised, "This one's like, _five times as big!_ Size kinda _matters!_"

"But what about truth, justice, and-,"

"I'd move about ten feet to the left right now if I were you…"

"Wha-? GAH!" Our heroine exclaimed, flinging herself to the side with all the grace of a three-legged sow as the serpent's white head slammed into the place she had been standing, causing bits of garbage and scrap-metal to scatter everywhere, "A little more warning next time _please!?_"

"Didn't your gym teacher ever tell you to keep your eye on the ball? Or in this case, _snake?_"

"That's not exactly-!" Glynda's retort was cut short as she was again forced to dive for safety, this time into a heap of nuts, bolts and the like with very pointy corners, "…Not the same thing… Ow…"

"Hmmm…" The White Fairy pondered aloud, unfazed by the writhing monstrosity currently attacking her partner – she had mascot immunity after all, "I don't know… seems like the same principle to me-,"

"ARE YOU GOING TO HELP ME OR NOT!"

"I was _getting to that!_" the White fairy shot back in a huff, "I actually don't think your basic powers are gonna be enough for this…"

"NOW YOU TELL ME!?"

The White fairy couldn't help but wince as our Heroine struck the side of a car as she dodged yet another striking head, "That being said, according to subsection twelve of-,"

"GIVE ME THE SHORT VERSION!"

"You can borrow mine!"

"HOW- Oof!"

"Listen carefully, and repeat after me!" the Fairy shouted, "I hereby swear that I shall be all the good in the world,"

"I SOLOMLY-,"

"_Hereby!_"

"_FINE! _I _HEREBY _SWEAR THAT I SHALL BE ALL THE GOOD IN THE WORLD!"

"And that I will defeat all evil in the world!" The fairy continued.

"WHERE HAVE I HEARD THIS BEFOERE?"

"Just _say it!_"

"AND THAT I WILL – UGH! – AND THAT I WILL DEFEAT ALL EVIL IN THE WORLD! PLEASE TELL ME THAT'S IT!"

"I thus call upon the powers of the White Fairy, Weiss Schnee from Accounting!"

"I THUS CALL UPON THE POWERS OF THE WHITE FAIRY, WEISS SCHNEE- WAIT, _ACCOUNTING!?_"

"_FINISHE THE SPELL DAMMIT!_"

"I THUS CALL UPON THE POWERS OF THE WHITE FAIRY, WEISS SCHNEE FROM ACCOUNTING!"

Once again, our Heroine found herself bathed in bright white light, and this time she found herself standing upon a Bright blue magic circle etching in a snowflake pattern. Before her eyes, her slightly modified school uniform was transformed into a matching white bolero jacket and combat skirt, her shoes changing from adorable little black Mary-Janes became white high-heeled boots. Finally, her wand changed in her hand into a larger replica of the fairy's little rapier.

"Wow…" Glynda was awed; this was certainly more along the lines of what she had been expecting when she thought about a Magical Girl transformation sequence…

"Now, if you are quite finished admiring my _excellent _fashion sense, _I suggest _that you hold up a hand and think something along the lines of _PRESS X TO NOT DIE!_"

"Wha-EEEP!" Glynda recoiled, throwing up both hands as though that would spare her from the mighty striking heads of the serpent; there was no time left to dodge – it looked like the end for our Heroine…

Except for the fact that she is of course the Heroine, and therefore has Plot Armor.

Thus, rather than striking down our favorite magneko Magical Girl, the two monstrous heads of the vile serpent Grimm dashed themselves against a snowflake-patterned magical barrier, leaving them in a daze. Magical Glynda couldn't decide whether to heave a sigh of relief or jump for joy, but there was still a battle to fight, so instead she turned back to her fairy partner, and was only momentarily flummoxed by the sight of her three-inch tall mascot fairy dressed in what appeared to be a miniature version of her school uniform, "Uh…"

"It's a side-effect of the spell, _OKAY!?_" A very red-faced White Fairy shouted, tiny little pixie arms angrily flailing in a fit of embarrassed pixie-rage, "We'll switch back when this is over!"

"Okay…" Our heroine took another glance between herself, currently wearing the fairy's outfit, albeit substantially enlarged, and the Fairy, wearing _her clothes… _"It's still weird… But I guess that can wait; now, how _do your powers work?_"

"Right," The fairy cleared her throat; fortunately, the Grimm was taking a very long time to recover from smashing it's faces against Magical Glynda's panic-barrier, "There are several settings on my sword: red is fire, light blue is ice, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, and you can use my glyphs for shields, mobility, and to get a little _creative _with gravity. You operate my sword with the trigger on the hilt, and you trigger the glyphs mentally,"

"Okay, I think I've got it, anything else?"

The fairy nodded, "Try to visualize the face of someone you hate on the Grimm; I find that I'm most powerful when venting stress,"

Our Heroine blinked numerous times at this revelation, aghast, "Jeez… Someone's got issues…"

"You have _no idea _how hard my job is! Just shut up and fight the monster!"

"Right!" Magical Girl Glitter Glynda nodded, her determination renewed and courage boosted by the new power she'd been granted, as well as the swanky new outfit… It was so… _professional! _She felt more mature already though, and Mature young ladies – even Magical Girls – did _not _squea over pretty cloths.

'_Right, so I can use fire now to as well as some other stuff…' _But as the serpent's two heads recovered and arched backwards for another strike, our Heroine had a better idea. She held her borrowed sword in front of her in challenge to the mighty serpent, and adjusted her glasses with her free hand, not intimidated in the least anymore – not that she'd ever been, of course – and at the last second, she used one of the glyphs to zip out of the way. Unfortunately, she didn't quite have the whole 'mobility glyph' thing down pat the first time, so instead of sliding a few feet backwards, our heroine instead careened a half-dozen yards to the left as the fanged serpentine heads slammed into terra-firma where she'd been standing. Fortunately, Her fairy partner had been paying attention, and had a plan of her own.

"Now!" she shouted, "Use a gravity glyph on the heads! Imagine something – I don't know, a ton of bricks on their heads!"

"O-okay!" Magical Glynda called back somewhat feebly as she recovered her footing and turned back to face the monster. As she complied, a darker, purple-blackish Glyph formed under the two snakes heads, and suddenly they could not lift themselves from the ground where they had struck.

"Now finish it! Use the white setting! The _white setting!_"

"Um…" Glynda fumbled with the unfamiliar revolver mechanism on the hilt of the scaled-up pixie sword in her hand, and when she did, she turned to face the enemy, "You mean this one?"

"PULL THE TRIGGER!"

And so she did. Our heroine was rewarded for her trouble by being rocketed forward _towards _the monster as if fired from a cannon. Faster than she could have believed, Glynda's sword struck it's mark, and the force behind the blow was so great that she was propelled through the newly mangled ruins of the black head to impale the white one as well, and after a few final jerks and some writhing, the beast fell still, and began to disintegrate.

"I… I won…" Glynda was almost speechless… _almost, _"OHMYGODIWONIWONIWON! DIDYOUSEETHATITWASLIKETOTALLYAWESOME!"

"Yes, well, I suppose you did alright…" The Sailor uniform-clade fairy cleared her throat, "Although you've kinda got something on your… everywhere…"

"Huh?" Our Heroine looked down at herself to find that she was indeed smeared and splattered with what appeared to be blood and various monster-excretions, "Eewww…"

The fairy rolled her eyes, "What are _you _whining about? _You _don't have to get it dry-cleaned…"  
"Weiss?" Just then, Magical Girl and Fairy Mascot alike turned to see, emerging from the eroding remains of the slain beast, the Red Fairy. She was about the same size as the White Fairy, but, as the astute reader has probably guessed, she wore red rather than white; red cape, red highlights, red (and black, if one must nitpick) clothes. She had silver eyes, both of which were wide with relief and surprise, "You came _back!_" Before either of them could react, the little red Fairy had zipped over to the little white fairy and tackled her in a hug, "OHMYDUSTIWASSOSCAREDANDITHOUGHTYOUWEREGONNALEAVEMECAUSEI'MABADINTERNAND-!"

"Ruby! Get off!"

"Sorry…" the little Red fairy said bashfully as she obeyed, "I'm just… glad you didn't leave me…"

"Believe me, I thought about it," The White Fairy turned her nose up standoffishly, but then her face softened, "_but _then I decided that I didn't want HR breathing down my neck, so…"

"You came to rescue me!" The Red Fairy responded happily, "And I guess this girl is your familiar?" she asked, gesturing towards Glynda.

"Yes," the White Fairy nodded.

"Wait, I thought _you _were _my _familiar…"

The White Fairy scoffed, "Where would you get that preposterous notion? No, according to _your contract, You _are the familiar, _dunce,_"

The Red Fairy's face lit up, "Dunce? Does that mean-?"

"Yes Red," The White Fairy rolled her eyes, "Congratulations, you have been promoted to _Dolt,_"

**And so concludes the second chapter of Magical Girl Glitter Glynda-Chan's adventure! But what happens next? Will the Red Fairy get fired? Will Glynda get into trouble at school? Will the White Fairy ever crawl out from under the mountain of paperwork bound to result from this fiasco? Stay tuned to find out!**


	3. Fine Print

_**Last time on Magical Girl Glitter Glynda-Chan!**_

"_I don't think your powers are going to be enough!"_

"_NOW YOU TELL ME?"_

"_Article-,"_

"_GIVE ME THE SHORT VERSION!"_

"_I herby swear that I shall be all of the good in the world,"_

"_WHERE HAVE I HEARD THIS BEFORE?"_

"_Does that mean-?"_

"_Congratulations Red, you have now been promoted to Dolt,"_

* * *

Magical Girl Glitter Glynda-chan was tired. Today had been a long day after all; getting out of her normal bed, eating her normal breakfast, leaving home on her normal path to school, getting ambushed by a decidedly _atypical _slavering monstrosity, becoming a Magical Girl, and slaying a giant snake-monster – it all made for a very stressful day, and that was _without _the mountain of paperwork that our heroine had now undertaken to sift through. While the White fairy was true to her word that this Magical Girl arrangement indeed _would not _cost our Heroin her soul, the contract _did _entail a mountainous pile of caveats, stipulations, and addendums… Before any of that though, little Glynda had to go to school! Trouble was, by the time she'd arrived, it was past lunch time… Her perfect attendance was ruined_! _Or so our Heroine thought – to her good fortune however, the White fairy was sympathetic with our heroine's desire for punctuality, and so out of the goodness of her heart – and totally _not _because she was contractually obligated to do so as established in Article 97 Subsection 29 – she agreed to resolve the situation. She didn't do it by Sending Glynda back in time to the beginning of the school day - _apparently _messing with the space-time continuum was considered _'unethical' _– but rather through the much more acceptable method of altering the memories of all Glynda's teachers and friends without their consent. It was only polite after all; asking permission to tamper with someone's memory might weird them out. This done, Magical Glynda was fee to go home after school and review the contract she'd signed, secure in the knowledge that her magical adventures would not negatively impact her perfect attendance – though repeated occurrences within a narrow time frame _might _result in short-term memory loss in her friends and teachers…

* * *

"_Ugh…_" Our heroine fumed exasperatedly, "I _seriously _agreed to _all _of this?"

"Yes, yes you did," The White fairy nodded, floating over our heroine's shoulder, "I suggest that you start reading,"

"_Or…_" the Red fairy chimed in, cheerily levitating over the other shoulder, "We _could _forget all this _boring paperwork stuff _and-,"

"Oh no you don't!" The White fairy grabbed her intern's little red hood over her face as she cut in, "You, _Dolt, _have your own incident report to file before HR gets pissy!"

"But…" The Red fairy complained, "incident reports are _BORING!_"

"Let's not forget why _both of us _have to file one!" The White fairy did not look happy, "Maybe next time you'll think twice before you get yourself _swallowed, _won't you?"

"But-"

"Either you sit down and write up that incident report _right now, _or there will be no more cookies for a _WEEK!_" The White fairy seethed.

"You monster!"

"Tough! Paperwork is an important part of the job! Paperwork allows us to maintain _order dammit! _Without _paperwork, _there would be _ANAEXHY! AND WHO WOULD MAKE YOUR PRECIOUS COOKIES IF WE HAD ANARCHY, RUBY ROSE!?_"

"Fine…" The Red fairy moped as she conjured her desk and sat down to write up her report.

"And make sure that in Section 32, item A, that you explain that you got eaten because you were being stupid and not listening to your supervisor!" The White fairy concluded.

"I thought I could take him…"

"Um… Can I cut in?" Our heroin finally interjected whilst the Red fairy set about doodling all over her incident report form out of boredom, "But what happened to my room!?"

"Oh yes, that…" the White fairy remarked absently from her own desk, still levitating over Glynda's shoulder, "You _did _want to review your contract,"

Our Heroine's stare shifted from the White fairy, to the dozens upon dozens of stacks of papers, piled floor to ceiling all over her room, her expression ranging from bafflement to horror, "All… all of _that _is my contract!?"

The White Fairy nodded, not looking up from her paperwork, "Fairy script is a highly efficient tongue, English, on the other hand… not so much…"

Our heroine took a deep breath in a noble effort to center herself and fight the urge to respond to this quip with a flyswatter, "…And you expect me to read _all of it?_"

"No, of course not," the White fairy rolled her eyes, "_Nobody ever does – Not even the legal department! _Can you believe that? They draw these ridiculous printed nightmares up ad approve them without even having anyone _read _the whole thing! _Apparently _it's more _fun _to find out what's in the contract _after _they're passed! – In all the years I've been doing this-,"

"Fairy accounting?"

"It's a very important and stressful job!" the White fairy snapped before continuing as before, "In _all _the years I've been at this, I'm pretty sure that _I _am the only one who's ever bothered to _actually read _the documents I have sign! Honestly, This is how stuff like incident Q-Beta happens!" her little pixie pencil broke in the tightening grip of her little pixie rage, "So _no, _I do not _expect_ you to read it, but _you _wanted to know what you were in for with this deal, _so I would highly recommend it…_"

"Is she gonna be okay?" Our heroine whispered to the Red fairy, in reference of course to her senior fairy's infuriated twitching, "She looks kinda… mad…"

"I don't' know…" The Red fairy was cowering behind her own tiny little floating desk, "I mean, I knew she doesn't like the legal department very much but I've never seen her _this angry…_"

"Angry? Don't be ridiculous," The White fairy seemed to be making a visible effort to restrain herself from having a total conniption, "_Why would I be angry? _I mean, it's not as though a _complete and utter disregard for- _Happy place Weiss… happy place…"

"Well, as long as you're not angry…" Glynda remarked, idly picking up the nearest page of the contract, "I guess I'll start-,"

"NO!" The White fairy shouted, "That's page five-thousand two hundred thirty seven!"

Magical Glynda blinked, "So, what about it?"

"If you read prime-numbered pages out of sequence, the whole thing explodes.."

"WHAT!?"  
"I didn't stutter,"

"So _I DO _have to read the _whole _thing?" Magical Glynda blanched – not that she didn't like to read, she was a smart girl after all, but she didn't have time to read it all; Magical Momo was on tonight…

"Technically no," The White fairy shook her head, "Just make sure you don't read any prime numbered pages and you'll be fine."

Heaving an exasperated sigh, our Heroine set the offending page down, "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why is the contract _rigged to EXPLODE!?_"

"Oh…" the White fairy shrugged, "Ask legal; I've been trying to figure that out for years…"

Our Heroine's shoulders slumped, and she reached for another page, carefully checking to ensure that this one would not explode, "Let's see… Article 37, Section 3, _Sub-section _12, Point 13… The signatory may not use her powers to generate cake…" Glynda raised an eyebrow, "_Is this seriously something that needs to be in the contract?_"

"Yes, it does," The White fairy said dryly, "_I _actually insisted on that one-,'

"Aww, but _why?_" the Red Fairy whined plaintively.

"_Because,_" the last Magical girl we brought on board _before _that addition to the contract almost turned the _world _into _cake _for her ninth birthday!"

"Oh…"

"Incidentally," the senior fairy continued, "That case is also why Article 1, Section 1, concerning eligibility, now stipulates that any Magical Girl candidate must be at least _eleven _years old,"

"I see…" Glynda nodded, glancing down at the page again.

"At least you _can _magically create cookies-," the Red fairy enthused, only to be shot down.

"Nope," Glynda shook her head, "Point 37 expressly prohibits the magical manufacture of chocolate chip cookies…"

"Sugar-,"

"Point 38,"

"Gingerbrea-,"

'39"

"MACADAMIA-?"

"40…" Glynda glanced at the White fairy, more in disbelief than disappointment; she liked her sweets, but using _magic _to create them seemed like a waste of potential to our mature Heroine – one should certainly aim higher with such powers at one's fingertips – like conjuring penguins, "This list seems oddly specific…"

"Like it's specifically designed to be no fun…" the Red fairy pouted.

Ignoring her intern, the White fairy nodded, "Oh yes, that _particular _Sub-section 12 is devoted entirely to the prohibition of magically conjuring sweets,"

"Was it really that big a deal if somebody wanted to magic themselves some cookies?"

"Were you not listening when I said someone tried _tuning the world into CAKE?_"

"Point taken…" Glynda conceded, setting that one down and searching for another safe page, "Okay… Candidate who practice ballet are prohibited from using magic to transfigure herself into _a DUCK?_"

"Mmmm.. Copyright infringement…"

Our heroine looked further down the page, "Wait, there's a page about how I do my _hair?_"

"That section is actually fairly permissive, if memory serves," the White fairy commented, not looking up from the incident report that she was filling out, "Although Drill hair is forbidden out of respect for our founder…"

"The founder of MAMI hate drill hair or something?"

"Not, quite the opposite actually, but complications with one of her hairpieces did precipitate an untimely death…" The accounting fairy clarified.

"Okay… must've been _some _hairpiece…"

"You have no idea…"

With a sigh, our intrepid Heroine forged on with another page, "Oh look, here's the section about what we did to fight the giant snake!"

The White fairy looked up from her work, "Really? I wasn't aware that that was codified yet… Must be new as of this edition of the contract... What's it say?"

"Concerning Manna transfer-,"

"Okay, _not that page!_" The White fairy blushed furiously, "Definitely _NOT _that page!"

"But that sounds like-,"

"What _we did _is called a power swap," The fairy corrected.

"Then what's-,"

"I'll explain it when you're older, now read a different section dammit!"

"Okay, okay…" Her innocence preserved, our heroine moved on, "How about this… waiver of royalties… What?"

"Oh that one's quite simple actually," the White fairy seemed much happier talking about this one, "That section just gives the Magic Alliance of Mascot Intermediaries merchandising rights as well as permission to edit and broadcast your exploits,"

"Huh."

"It means if you're interesting, we'll make an anime and plushie dolls with your face about them,"

"Awesome-!"

"And you don't see a Lien of it,"

"But-,"

"Hence, the waiver of royalties,"

"But why?"

"Believe it or not, Miss Goodwitch," The White fairy chided, "Saving the world isn't a very profitable business, so we need to squeeze whatever we can out of licensing and merchandising to make ends meet, okay!?"

"She really _is _from accounting…" The Red fairy murmured.

"Yes, _I am!_" The White fairy exclaimed, "And without people like _me, _MAMI would be _drowning in red ink! _Between the 'requisitions' of cookies-,'

She shot a glare at her junior partner, "-to the _thousand reams of legal-sized paper for PAPER AIRPLANES, _we'd be broke if people like me didn't scrounge for cash _somehow!_"

"Jeez…" Our Heroine shuddered, resolving never to question on her fairy partner about MAMI's financial situation ever again, and instead chose to change the subject, "So… which pages list my powers?" She asked hopefully.

"They're all prime numbers,"

"Oh _come on!_"

"Oh, don't get your stockings in a twist," the White fairy huffed, "_I _can tell you that."

"Okay then…" Our adorable heroine sat down on one of the few open spaces on her bed, "Please do,"

"First I need you to sign this,"

"What?"

"It's an exposition request,"

"Come again,"

"Look Glynda," the White fairy went into lecture mode once more, "I can't tell you how many missions we've had go screwy because the mascot was busy _expositing _in the middle of a fight, thus, MAMI has made it a matter of policy that any exposition of the info-dump variety must be explicitly requested _in writing, _and that no affiliate of MAMI can be held responsible for what happens during the expository period,"

"But we're not in danger-,"

"Paperwork is-,"

"Paperwork is _order, _I know, I know!" Our Heroine rolled her eyes in frustration – she'd never imagined that being a Magical girl could involve so much paperwork and red tape, "Fine, I'll sign your _stupid waiver! _No exposit!"

The White fairy nodded approvingly 'Magical Girl Glitter Glynda' was signed to the form, "Very well then," she cleared her throat, "As a start, the magical pact has strengthened and reinforced you fragile little human body so the Grimms don't snap you like a twig… I still wouldn't advise sticking your _head _into a Grimm's mouth, but you'll survive getting tossed around a bit,"

"So I've noticed," Magical Glynda could already feel the bruises from where she'd tumbled into that car earlier in the junkyard, "But what about my _Magical powers?_"

"I was _getting _to that," the Fairy huffed, "You can also use Fairy Dust to fight the Grimm with; it's a magical compound with elemental properties, but it's also _expensive, _and MAMI is only willing to supply you with a _limited quantity _of it for each mission, so use it wisely – if you run out in the middle of a mission, you're pretty much screwed,"

Magical Glynda grabbed the Red fairy from where she had fallen asleep at her little floating fairy desk and shook her violently, "But couldn't I just get more like this?"

"GAAAAAH! I'M AWAKE! I'M AWAKE! I PROMISE NEVER EVER TO FALLASLEEP ON THE JOB AGAIN! PLEASE STOP!"

"Stop that this instant you Dunce!" The White fairy screamed, "She's got a delicate constitution!"

Perplexed, Magical Glynda obeyed, "But… That's how they got fairy dust in this one movie I saw…"

"I think I'm gonna be sick…" the Red Fairy groaned, looking a little green.

The White fairy sighed, shaking her head, "The operative words in that sentence, _Dunce, _are _'in a movie!' _This _is not a movie, _it is _not a game, _and it is definitely _not some stupid, happy-go-lucky MAGICAL GIRL ANIME! _You can't just go around shaking the mascot fairies like _maracas DAMMI! _Do you have any _idea _how much of a headache it will be if she decides to complain to the union!?"

"Sorry…" Magical Glynda looked down at her feet apologetically, "But wait, what about when I used _your powers? _Do _you _have limited, er… Fairy Dust? I mean _you are a fairy…_"

"Well noted," the fairy praised, albeit somewhat reluctantly, "That's the loophole you're gonna have to exploit a lot; you see I, as well as non-probationary mascot-," She shot the Red fairy a disapproving look, "-are permitted to use as much as we deem necessary, as is anyone using our powers… But don't tell legal – if they find out, those _jerks _will add another section to the contracts about it just to screw with me…"

Glynda nodded sagely; Mom hated lawyers too, "But wait, does that mean I can use _her _powers too?" Glynda gestured to the queasy Red fairy.

The White fairy sighed, "Yes – in fact, you can borrow the power of any nearby fairy provided for in your contract, and since she works under me…"

"Cool! So how do I do it?"

"The same way you swapped with me – except on that last line you say 'Ruby Rose the Intern' instead of 'Weiss Schnee from accounting,'" The White fairy paused, "Although you're likely to lose a couple of fingers if you use _her powers..._"

"I hereby swear that I shall be all of the good in the world-,"

"_Or _you could ignore me, that's cool too,"

"-And that I shall defeat all evil in the world-,"

"I strongly advise you to reconsider…"

"I thus call upon the powers of the Red fairy, Ruby Rose the Intern!"

"Oh now you've gone and done it…"

Just as before, our eager Heroine was bathed in a wash of bright light, but instead of the snowflake glyph at her feet, rose petal scattered everywhere as her school uniform was traded out for lots of black and red, with a billowy red cloak thrown in for good measure. Her wand underwent perhaps the most dramatic change though – as it lengthened dramatically and sprouted a giant red _blade. _

"Whoa…"

"This skirt is itchy…" the Red fairy complained, only to be resoundingly ignored.

"Now Glynda, I suggest you not move yet-," the White fairy tried to warn her protégé, but sadly, our heroine was too curious for her own good, and thought to take a step, unaware of her newfound powers of speed.

"What could it- GAH!" upon taking her first step, the Red fairy's incredible speed powers kicked, in, causing our poor Heroine to run herself into the nearest wall, "Owww…"

"I _told you to be careful _but _nooo, _nobody ever listens to _me, _do they? You're just lucky you didn't slice off and _arm _with that _monstrous scythe _of hers!"

"But it's cool…" The Red fairy weakly defended.

"It's a _hazard-,_" Just then though, a tiny little ringing could be heard, and the White fairy stopped mid-rant to produce a tiny little electronic device, answering the call, "Schnee here,"

Our fashion-swapped duo looked on in curiosity; noises could be heard form the other end of the line, but from where they sat – one on our Heroine's bed and the other in a heap on the floor, half-buried in disheveled papers – nothing intelligible could be discerned.

"The shopping district? Gotcha. Wait- _HER? _Oh Dust help us all…" She heaved a sigh, "Schnee out…"

"Who was that?" Magical Glynda asked.

"The Dispatcher…" the fairy let out a heavy sigh, "We've got a job to do…"

**Will the inordinate length of Glynda's contract come back to bite her? Will Ruby get her sweets? What is our intrepid trio's new mission? All these questions and more will be answered in the next episode of **_**Magical Girl Glitter Glynda-Chan!**_

**P.S. The Author wishes it to be know that he apologizes for the heavy exposition in this chapter – don't tell MAMI; he forgot to sign the waiver…**


	4. Fairy Legal

_**Previously on Magical Girl Glitter Glynda-Chan**_

"_You expect me to read all of THAT?"_

"_No, I don't! Nobody EVER DOES!"_

"_You will write up that incident report or there will be no cookies for a week!"_

"_You monster!"_

"_Concerning Manna Transfer-,"_

"_Okay, not that page!"_

"_Can I use her powers too?" _

"_We've got a job to do,"_

* * *

It might not inaccurately be said that the life of a Magical girl is not all sunshine and lollipops – however ironic such a statement may seem – and it was a fact that out fashion-forward Heroine was presently learning the hard way. Specifically, by ramming repeatedly into telephone poles. Indeed, in her haste to respond to the call of her magical duties and prove that she could save the world and look _fabulous _doing it, our heroine rushed from her room with the aid of the red fairy's powers, thinking to arrive on the scene at the shopping district faster than ever before. Unfortunately, unaccustomed to the Red Fairy's Cookie-fueled speed powers as she was, Our Heroine did not account for the cluttered urban sprawl in which she lived, and thus, consequent of numerous accidental – and not at all humorous - impacts, tumbles, and face-plants, a trip that should have taken ten minutes had been stretched – for dramatic effect, obviously – to half an hour. Magical Girl Punctual Glynda she was not.

When she _did _finally arrive on the scene, trailed by the chronically facepalming White fairy and sluggishly distressed Red fairy, it was clear that their assistance would probably have been more expedient twenty minutes previously. The cake shop was a mess, the cabbage cart was a shambles – much to the cabbage man's dismay – and every cage in the pet shop had been thrown open. Perhaps the worst of the damage, however, was to the newly opened waffle house – Pancake Land. Sadly, Our Heroine had arrived too late for any breakfast confections to be spared, or indeed the owner to be rescued from being covered in pancake batter. It was truly a tragedy, yet when she arrived, ready to intervene, she found that her hands were tied…

* * *

"Whoa," Our Heroine commented upon the scene of utter pancake-based desolation, to which she now bore witness, unsure whether she should be awed or horrified, "What kind of Grimm _does this?_"

"Not a Grimm," The White fairy shook her head, "Worse,"

"What-," The Red fairy stopped to catch her breath; Magical Glynda had apparently borrowed the Red fairy's immeasurable stamina along with her speed, "What could be worse than a… than a Grimm?"

The White fairy just pointed, "_Her,_"

Before them, bouncing up and down atop the maple syrup covered stomach of the unconscious manager – who was presently sprawled on his back upon the cash register – was _not _a slavering beast or cosmic monstrosity, but rather, a positively _adorable _red-haired Pink fairy, sloppily guzzling a bottle of maple syrup. She _looked _harmless- rather friendly even, but Magical Glynda was on her guard… though she could not understand how a tiny little fairy with an evidently overactive sweet tooth could _possibly _be a greater threat than a Grim.

"Really?" Our Heroine asked with a raised eyebrow – wisely cautious, but noble in her desire not to jump to unfounded conclusions about people, "But isn't she a fairy like you?"

"Yes…" The White fairy admitted, "But that just makes it worse."

"Let me guess… more paperwork?"

"You have no idea…" The White fairy nodded, "But whatever you do, _no sudden moves; _if she perceives you as a threat, you're screwed, and if she gets it into her head that you'd be fun to play with well… Dust help us all…"

Our heroine wasn't quite sure how to feel about what she was seeing; on the one hand, she was plainly surrounded by a display of wonton destruction and confectionary cruelty, but the Pink fairy was just _so cute! _"Umm… what do you suggest then?"

"Simple," The White fairy whispered, tugging Glynda around the corner by the lapels and out of view, "You can't give her a chance to resist. You need to go in there and _take her out. _Deep sixed. Put her on ice. Take her down before she knows what's hit her, or _all is lost…_"

"Isn't that just a _tiny _bit of an exager-," the Red fairy started, only to be cut off by a withering glare from her supervisor.

"Do you remember the _cake _incident that we discussed earlier, you _Dolt?_"

"Yeah… but what-?"

"_She _was the supervising mascot."

"Oh my God…"

"Wait, so I have to fight someone powerful enough to turn the _world _into _cake!?_" One should not mistake the visible drain of color from our Heroine's face as a sign of fear. It was only cake after all.

"Yes," the fairy nodded, "Which is why I cannot stress _enough _why it is _crucial, _that you end this _quickly! _Use the dolt's powers to run in there-,"

"Not so fast," The White fairy flinched, eyebrow twitching angrily at the interruption, but she did not continue, "Accounting Fairy Weiss Schnee, did I hear correctly that you are scheming to _attack _another fairy-and fellow agent of MAMI? Why, that would make you an accessory to assault~"

"_Legal…_" the White fairy's voice dripped with venomous pixie animosity, "What a _wonderful pleasure _it is to see you here…"

Our red-clad Heroine turned to greet the two new arrivals on the scene, a mixture of curiosity and inexplicable dread toward the three inch tall newcomers prevailing within her. One wore black pants and a white blouse, under a stylish black top, and had a cute little bow in her hair – she was the one who had spoken – and the other wore a fancy foreign-style green jacket and simple trousers, but most notably –

"OHMYGOSH!IT'S A CUTEBOYFAIRY!" Our Heroine squeed, pointing and bouncing excitedly on the balls of her feet, "OOH I JUST WNNA TAKE HIM HOME-!"

Our Heroine's gushing was abruptly interrupted by a pointed swat to the back of the head by an unamused White fairy who angrily whispered, "_Shut up! _Do you have _any idea _how _hard _these two are about to make our job?" Then, after a brief moment to straighten out her tiny little bolero jacket, the White fairy responded to the accusation from the newcomers, "Why now, Blake, We were conspiring for nothing of the sort. Now if you wouldn't mind, _what, _may I ask, has brought you all the way here from that _insipid frat-house _you call a department?"

"_We _are here to assess damages for the insurance department," the black-clad newcomer answered coolly, to be punctuated by a nod from her Green—clad partner, "Oh, and Weiss, just because _you _don't know how to have fun, doesn't mean you have to take it out on the rest of us,"

"You mangy little- Happy place…" The White fairy forced herself to calm down, "I _know _how to have fun! I just indulge _responsibly!_"

"Ugh… you accounting types are such sticks in the mud…" the Black fairy rolled her eyes, "but tell me, if you _weren't _scheming to _viciously assault _our co-worker just now, then what _were you doing?_"

"Oh, that's easy!" the Red fairy chimed in, "We were gonna-!" but the White fairy silenced her with a smack upside the head.

"We were… Discussing our options! That's right, we were discussing our options!" The White fairy hastily answered, "_Obviously. _You know, since deadly force isn't an option – not that I was considering it – and _massive _blunt-force trauma to the voice box is _frowned upon…_"

The Black fairy just smirked, and her partner raised an eyebrow, "Really? Because I could have sworn I heard the words 'Put her on ice' among certain other things,"

"The White fairy chuckled nervously, "Don't be ridiculous…"

"You've been trying to get rid of her for _years_," The Black fairy accused, and her partner nodded in the affirmative.

"Oh _come on! _You know how much _harder _she makes all of our jobs – not that what you're saying is _true, mind you – _But she _is _a _menace!_"

"So your solution is to 'take her out' using a _Magical Girl _as your personal hit-man?"

"Don't be absurd!" The White fairy balked, "You think I _planned this? _Call up the dispatcher! _Right now! _He sent us!"

"And why should I believe _him_?" the Black fairy challenged, "_He's _hopelessly infatuated with you! He'd do anything you said – it's actually kind of pathetic,"

The White fairy snorted, "Whatever happened to 'innocent until _proven _guilty?'"

"Pfft, I'm with the _internal affairs _section, remember? As far as I'm concerned, _you're always guilty…_"

"You're just _jealous _because _I _have beaten _you _for employee of the month for the past _five hundred straight years!_" the White fairy spat vociferously, "_And _you've been trying to get me _fired _ever since I denied that ridiculous 'requisition' for _catnip vodka!_ That has got to be the _pettiest _reason to hold a grudge that I've ever heard of! At least _I _have a good reason to want somebody gone – at least if I _did, _I would have one!"

The Black fairy's smirk soured, "Being a kill-joy hardly makes you employee of the month materiel if you ask-,"

Suddenly the heated exchange was interrupted by the sound of an explosion coming from inside the oddly named waffle house, splattering an ungodly large volume of pancake batter out the smashed front door and all over the sidewalk. Attention thusly restored to the matter at hand, four fairies and one very confused heroine poked their heads around the corner to see the bubbly pink fairy balancing atop a pile of frozen strawberries partially submerged in an oozing glob of pancake batter. Several tables and chairs were now broken.

The White fairy heaved a sigh, "You know what, fine. I'm going to be the bigger pixie here and-,"

"Except that you're five millimeters shorter than me,"

"It's a figure of speech, _DAMMIT!_" The White fairy seethed in response to her rival's nit-picking, "But I'm sure _even you _can't argue that _something _needs to be done about this! So, my Magical Girl partner and I are going to fix this situation, and we can argue about it later! Unless of course you'd like to call in _your _Magical Girl- Oh wait," The White fairy clapped one hand over her mouth in disingenuous shock that barely covered the self-satisfied smirk on her face, "_You don't HAVE ONE!_ So _SHUT UP _AND GET OUT OF MY WAY!"

The bow on top of the Black fairy's head twitched in irritation as she grumbled, "Fine…"

Meanwhile, our confused and one-hundred percent _not terrified _Heroine was still watching the pink fairy inside, half awed and half horrified by the way she devoured frozen strawberries the size of her _head _by the dozen, "Where does it go…?"

"Glynda!"

Ack! Yes Ma'am!" Our startled heroine abruptly started, turning to salute to her little floating drill instructor.

"Since deadly force is _out-,_"

"So you _were-,_"

"_Not that it was ever on the table to begin with,_" the White fairy hastily added, "You're going to have to distract her while _I _summon a glyph powerful enough to-,"

"Ah-ah-ah…" The Blake fairy waved a finger reproachfully, a smug look on her face, "Article Two, Section Seven Expressly prohibits the mascot from taking direct action in a combat scenario,"

The White fairy's brow twitched angrily, "This isn't a _combat scenario, _it's _damage control!_"

"Subsection-,"

"OKAY FINE! I GET IT!" The White pixie took a moment to center herself, "Then _you'll _have to enact the capture too Glynda,"

"By _myself?_" Our Heroine gaped.

"Of course not," The White fairy dismissed, "You have me and the Dolt here…"

"But she just said-,"

"For moral support…"

"Great…"

"Look, you can use the Dolt's speed to-,"

"What was that?" the Black fairy and her very stoic partner both raised an eyebrow. That pink strand of hair on the side of his face really was rather adorable…

"I-I mean _run really fast,_" The White fairy corrected, "And while you're at it, mix up a batch of Pancakes-,"

"_Seriously?_"

"We _did _skip breakfast this morning…." The Red fairy complained.

"I'm not going to dignify that with a response, Dolt," the White fairy rolled her eyes, "but as for you, Magical Glynda, the pancakes are for _her!_" She pointed at the pink fairy, who was currently juggling a half-dozen blueberries, "Pancakes are her favorite food, and _food _is the only reasoning she understands!"

"_Well…_" the Black fairy began deviously, much to her partner's chagrin, "I wouldn't say that's the _only option…_"

"If you have something _positive _to contribute, _Belladonna, _then spit it out! Otherwise, _shut up!_"

"Nah…" the Black fairy shrugged, "I'm gonna enjoy watching you screw this up too much…"

"Um… there's just one problem…" Our Heroine, who never liked to be the wet blanket, reluctantly admitted, "I don't know how to make pancakes…"

"And it's a lost cause anyway, with _Nora _in the same _Zip Code…_" the Black fairy remarked.

The White fairy facepalmed, "Then we're screwed,"

"Public displays of pessimism; _that, _Schnee, is a Mascot demerit," The Black fairy's smirk returned.

"I hate you… So much…"

"Ooh, put-downs, that's _two! _Do I hear a _third?_"

"If I'm not mistaken…" The White fairy was positively _shaking _with either glee or murderous rage – we shall assume glee, as it is the more family-friendly option – as she spoke, "_Your _contract expressly _prohibits _you from visiting an active area of operations, _Miss Belladonna… _And what's that? Subsection 37 of Article 8 _clearly states _that doing so is grounds for dismissal…"

"Wait! It _does?!_"

"Aren't you supposed to be _from _the legal department?" The White fairy sneered triumphantly, "Don't tell me that you didn't even read _your own _contract?"

"S-Shut up!"

"Or could it be that you were too busy reading your _SMUT _instead of doing _your job!_" The White pixie pressed.

"Ninjas of Love is not-!"

"_Oh, yes! Please Jigoro-!_" The White fairy recited from page 108 of the offending book which she had peeled off the drunken face of her Black-themed counterpart during the cleanup from the last office party.

"Okay, _fine! _Why don't we just call it a wash… alright? Nobody gets in trouble and you can keep being a stick in the mud, _alright!?_"

"Hmm… Better…" The White fairy turned back to our bureaucratically challenged Heroine, "This personal victory though, however satisfying, doesn't fix our current predicament…"

"Can't she just magically conjure some pancakes?" the Red fairy asked, head cocked.

"We've been over this Dolt; Magical Girls are expressly prohibited from magically conjuring confections-,"

"No, she can do that," The Black fairy cut back in, "And I should know; _I _had to re-draft that stinking section of the contract _over _and _over _and _over again _every time _you _came up with some _new way _to ruin our fun…"

The White fairy, disbelieving, swiftly conjured a fairy-script copy of Magical Girl Glitter Glynda-Chan's contract and examined the section in question, "Well I'll be…"

"I take it you want me to _add _pancakes to the prohibited list _too _now?" The Black fairy griped.

"No actually; we'll probably need that to reel Nora in next time too…"

"But how do we _capture her _with pancakes?" The Red fairy questioned, couldn't she just eat her way out?"

"An excellent point~"

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" The White fairy commanded silence, and all obeyed, for she was from accounting, and thus had dirt on everyone, "That is what _this _is for!" she exclaimed, producing a butterfly net and presenting it to Glynda, "Use this; butterfly nets render magic utterly useless."

"What."

"Trapped inside a butterfly net, a fairy's powers are useless," The White fairy clarified impatiently, holding up the butterfly net to our Heroine, "So all _you _need to do is catch her in _this_,"

"That's it?" Our Heroine cocked her head, not unreasonably dubious, it must be said.

"Yes, _that's it_, but you still have to be-,"

"Alright then! I've got this!" Our Heroine boldly – and not at all foolish or recklessly – declared, seizing the whimsical butterfly net and charging in an entrance truly worthy of Leroy Jenkins himself. The results of this brave – if perhaps ill-conceived – effort played out pretty much how one might expect…

* * *

_Valiantly our bespectacled Heroine stormed onto the battlefield, wielding courage in her heart and an instrument of unimaginable whimsy in her hands, ready to join glorious battle against a mighty opponent one twentieth her size. In her devious cunning, however, the horrifying pink pixie menace had been prepared for this new challenger, and had left traps strewn across the scene of the wretched destruction of a variety so diabolical that only a monster such as herself could possibly have anticipated them – the pink one, in her infinite evilness, had strewn the floor with frozen fruit for the express purpose of undermining any champion of truth and justice who might dare challenge her – the fact that it looked like a careless accident to occur amidst the pink nightmare's playful glee only bespeaks the depths of her madness. Regrettably, our noble Heroine, blameless and tidy as she was, could not have hoped to have been prepared for such a sinister and underhanded tactic, and so was laid low by the pink demon's trickery…_

* * *

"Ow…" Our heroine grumbled as she wiped the pancake batter into which she had face-planted at approximately Mach 2.5, "Stupid frozen blueberries…"

"Well hi there!"

Our Heroine froze, looking up through pancake-batter smeared glasses at the face of her enemy, "H-hi…"

"Whatcha doin?"

"Ummm…" Our Heroine was in in no state of mind at the moment to concoct a plausible excuse, and besides, it was always right to tell the truth, "Trying to catch you in this net…?"

Somewhere, Mr. Goodwitch the stay-at-home dad was very proud. Weiss Schnee the Accounting Fairy on the other hand, facepalmed.

"Aaaaahhhh…" The Pink fairy responded in exaggerated fashion to our Heroine's untimely honesty, "Can I play too?"

"Wha-?"

Without warning, the pink fairy swept up the butterfly net from our helpless heroine's hand, caught her head in it, and before our startled and confused Heroine could react, produced a truly _massive _hammer – with cute little pink hearts painted on the sides – and swatted poor, beleaguered Magical Glynda back out of the waffle house, at which point she collided with a nearby telephone pole. Again.

The White fairy winced, "You know, I hate to say 'I told you so-,'"

"Don't fib Weiss!" The Red fairy objected, "You _love to say 'I told you so!'"_

"_Not important right now Red!_" the White fairy snapped, before turning back to Magical Glynda – who was presently plastered to the aforementioned telephone pole – to speak again, "You forgot the pancakes…"

"Ri-Owowowow! Right…"

"LET'S DO IT AGAIN!"

"Oh crap…" the Black fairy paled, "We uh… have some… stuff… to go take care of back at the office-,"

"Oh no you don't!" the White fairy shouted, pulling the butterfly net off of our dazed Heroine's face and used it to snare the Black and Green fairies as they made to escape, "You know what you're problem is down there in legal!?" The White fairy seethed, totally not in a fit of psychotic rage that might be somewhat concerning to MAMI's Public Relations department, "You're always too '_busy_' having your stupid little frat-parties that you only get away with because _you _get to interpret the regulations, and you don't understand how much that all costs because you just _shrug your shoulders and LAUGH _because making sure it all gets _paid for _is _MY JOB!_" She let out a totally _not _maniacal chuckle, "Well, let me help you _broaden your horizons DAMMIT!_"

With that – and a surprising bout of rage-induced strength, the White fairy slung the butterfly net – helpless fairies from the legal department included – into the waffle house. Much to the surprise of all though – a wobbly-kneed Magical Glynda included – the spastic pink fairy did not opt for her hammer again, but rather…

"REEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNN!"

"Huh?" Magical Glynda and Ruby Rose the Red fairy tilted their heads in simultaneous puzzlement as the pink fairy epically glomped the Green boy-fairy through the butterfly net.

"Hmm…" The White fairy was taking notes, "_Armory fairy Nora Valkyrie has massive crush on Legal fairy Lie Ren…_ That'll probably come in handy…"

Walking over, still perplexed, Magical Glynda picked up the butterfly net again, reversing the mesh as she lifted, at once freeing the two fairies from legal – Well, sort of; the Green one was still caught in an epic bear-hug – and ensnaring the suddenly witlessly infatuated pink fairy, "He look! I got her!"

"The White fairy sighed, "Yes, yes you did…"

"Now uh…" the Red fairy asked nervously, "What do we do about all of… _this?_" She spoke of course of the horribly mangled establishment in which they were now standing – or floating as the case may be – as well as the rest of the less utterly destroyed, but still ravaged shopping center.

The White fairy sighed, "We have to talk to the insurance department and have them get a hold of AKEMI Insurance-,"

"Ooh! I love their jingle!" the Red fairy chimed in, "'_We'll fix it again, and we'll fix it AGAIN! However many times it takes just to make the fix stick~_'"

"Ooh, that is catchy!" Magical Glynda agreed eagerly.

"I'm surrounded by idiots…" The White fairy lamented.

**And so concludes another exciting installment of the adventures of Magical Girl Glitter Glynda Chan! What will be our intrepid Heroine's next challenge? Will the Pink fairy ever stop glompingg the poor, stoic fairy from Legal? And how much paperwork will the exasperated White fairy have to do this time? All these questions and more shall be answered next time! Until then, props to ElfCollaborator for lending the name Jigoro to the fictitious protagonist of a fictitious book series in this particular fictitious universe. Read his stuff. It's hilarious. That is all. **


	5. MAMI HQ

_**Last time on Magical Girl Glitter Glynda-Chan!**_

"_More paperwork?"_

"_You have no idea," _

"_Do you have any idea how much harder these two are going to make our jobs?"_

"_I'm from the Internal Affairs section; as far as I'm concerned, you're always guilty," _

"_Okay, since deadly force is out-,"_

"_So you WERE-,"_

"_Not that it was on the table to begin with!" _

"_That kind of violation is grounds for dismissal,"_

"_Okay, why don't we call it a wash?"_

* * *

In the tragic aftermath of the horrible Pancake-Land tragedy, our heroine found herself faced with yet another challenge ahead – a challenge which she at once resolved to face with her chin up and head held high. With the supernaturally giddy Pink fairy now in custody and safely under control in a butterfly net, there was much to be done in order to set right in the shopping district what had once gone wrong. The White fairy had then informed our awed heroine that they all had to return to MAMI headquarters to report the situation to the organization's insurance provider, and that Magical Glynda's contract was overdue to be officially registered with HR, and so began our Heroine's arduous and harrowing journey to the secret headquarters of the Magic Alliance of Mascot Intermediaries. It was a treacherous journey which led our intrepid Heroine to mount hills, cross fields, and labor her way past two bogs and into the depths of the Earth (by which is meant that she crossed a few streets, climbed a jungle-gym – apparently a _vital _step in their progress, if the Red fairy was to be believed, although the White fairy bore a look which suggested otherwise – and she rode the subway out into the countryside) until finally she arrived at their destination: a majestic old oak tree standing its unceasing vigil at the bend of a river, beneath the underwhelming light of the early evening full moon.

* * *

"Well, good job Dunce; you made it," The White fairy gave a perfunctory nod of acknowledgment to our plucky Heroine, whose excited shortness of breath should best not be misunderstood as exhaustedly labored, "Now you just have to perform the ritual to gain entrance,"

"This ritual doesn't involve acorns and _gnomish, _does it?" Our Heroine panted – in excitement of course.

"No, no, nothing of the sort," the Black fairy shook her head, "Honestly Weiss, have you told her _nothing? _What she's suggesting would be copyright infringement,"

"She's slow,"

"Hey!"

"No, what _you _need to do," The White fairy ignored our Heroine's protestations of cleverness, "is to simply walk up, knock on the tree, and identify yourself as 'Magical Girl Glitter Glynda,'"

"_That's it?_"

"Simplicity is best when it comes to these things," the White fairy shrugged.

"But what if some outsider decided to come 'announce themselves' to this tree?" Magical Glynda asked, confused, "And also… do I have to use 'Glitter' in my name? It's kinda embarrassing…"

"Firstly, any random yahoo who just _decides _to knock on a _tree _and introduce themselves probably isn't playing with a full deck, and so can be easily ignored," The White fairy rolled her eyes, but then shot the Black fairy a devious look "And besides, we have security staff, _don't we Belladonna?_"

"Don't remind me…" the Black fairy groaned, but did not elaborate.

"And _yes, _'Glitter' is an _essential _component of your Magical Girl Identification," The White fairy continued.

"But _why?_"

"Hey, you were the one who said it after you signed the contract, not me," The White fairy wasn't particularly sympathetic, "Now, _knock on the tree!_"

"Fine… Our Heroine reluctantly obeyed, blushing with embarrassment – had she known at the time that her first words upon signing her Magical Girl Contract would be her irreversible Magical Girl secret identity, she would have chosen something more heroic – like Glynda the Great… or Batman… Nevertheless, our Heroine maturely accepted it and knocked on the tree as instructed, before announcing herself, "Hello? Magical Girl Glitter Glynda here… Anybody ho-,"

Without warning, the very ground itself evaporated from beneath our very startled Heroine and she fell into the yawning maw of the earth, shouting her frustration at the uncertainty of life – a shout which admittedly bears some resemblance to a terrified scream for help. Fortunately though, when she opened her eyes from her state of fatalistic acceptance of her apparent fate – which was _not _abject mortal terror – she found that she had landed softly on a bright glyph in a brightly lit room that appeared to be some manner of lobby. Surrounding her were finely upholstered chairs and little coffee tables laden with magazines ranging from 'Weapons Weekly' to something whose cover sported what appeared to be a pixie with a copper-red ponytail and wearing a red bikini swimsuit and was entitled 'Play Pixie.' Against the wall ahead of her stood a rather imposing set of fine wooden doors, on either side of which hovered a twin pixie – one wearing a red dress and the other white.

"Evening Melanie, Miltia," The White fairy greeted cordially as she floated over towards the preposterously large door.

The Black fairy wiped sweat from her brow, "Oh thank Dust she's not-,"

Before the Black fairy could finish her relieved sentence though, she was utterly blindsided by a yellow blur, tackling her to the ground, "Blakey!"

"Y-yang!"

"Sis!" the Red fairy tried to admonish the yellow blur, heedless of her being the most junior fairy in attendance, but she could not keep the amused laughter from her voice, "You… you know she doesn't like that!"

"Serves her right," The White fairy muttered as she continued toward the door, dragging her pixie intern by the hood as she went, "Come now Glynda; we can leave our _esteemed co-workers from legal _and our armory fairy friend–," Pink fairy Nora Valkyrie had fallen into an adorably peaceful slumber in her butterfly net, still clinging to a disheartened Green fairy boy, "- _here _for security; _We _have more important things to do,"

"Um…" Our Heroine hesitated, seeing the way that the Yellow fairy was presently smothering the Black fairy in her chest, "Is that okay? I mean, will she be alright…?"

"Pfft, she'll be _fine… _unfortunately…" The White fairy muttered, "The Yellow fairy – Yang's her name, by the way – just treats her like a toy because she thinks cat ears are cute,"

"Cat ears? But I thought she wore a… bow…"

The White fairy shot our Heroine a deadpan stare, "She does, but any _idiot _can see there's cat ears under that,"

"Oh…" Our Heroine stared at her adorable little Mary-Janes – for the first time contemplating that she hadn't thought Mary-Janes _came in _sizes big enough for teenagers, and thus felt slightly immature for wearing them – which only served to compound her embarrassment, "…I knew that…"

"So, who's this Weiss?" The security fairy in the White dress questioned head cocked.

"Yeah," added the Red-clad one who was not Ruby Rose, "I don't recognize _her_…"

"_This,_" The White fairy declared haughtily, "Is my new Magical Girl Pet – I mean _partner… _We're here to officially register her contract,"

"Ah…" both twins nodded sagely, fists dropping into their palms in unison, before the red-clad security fairy continued, "Well okay then, go on in – but make sure you take the snowflake-patterned scarf-," she said to the White fairy before turning then to the Red intern fairy, "- and the red Beowolf patterned one; You'll really hurt Cardin's feelings if you don't…"

"And _nobody _hurts Cardin's feelings…" Her white-clad twin said dangerously.

"Okay, okay! I'll take the freaking scarf! Now just open the door!" The White fairy demanded exasperatedly before the doors finally opened, allowing the groups to proceed past the adorable little security fairies, "Great… now I have to stuff _another _scarf into my closet…" The White fairy griped as they proceeded inside and the doors shut behind them, "Well… at least I don't have to pry that insufferable blonde off of me-,"

"Hey! That's my big sis you're talking about!" The Red fairy objected.

"The point stands,"

"Um… Weiss, I have a question…" Our Heroine nervously asked as the three of them approached what appeared to be some manner of front desk, "Who were _they?_ I mean, I thought you two were the White and Red fairies…"

"We are!" Ruby chirped.

"What she _means _is that they are the _twin fairies,_" The White fairy corrected, "Although I sympathize as far as their wardrobe is concerned; I've been trying to get them to wear _any _other colors than those for years… Frankly it's just easier if you call them Mel and Milly,"

"Which is which?"

"I'm not quite sure… Fortunately though, they almost always show up as a matched set, so you can usually get away with addressing both at once…"

"And what if I meet one of them by herself in the hall or something?"

"Well… Melanie is _usually _the one with the white dress," the White fairy offered, "but sometimes they switch it up just to screw with the rest of us…"

Our Heroine sighed as they arrived at the surprisingly large – human-sized – desk, behind which sat a very fairy-sized blonde boy, "Great…"

"Hey there, beautiful-,"

"Save it Jaune," the White fairy rolled her eyes, "Article Two of your contract states that the Magical Girls are off limits – and besides, she's too much woman for you,"

"She's fourteen!"

"And roughly twenty times your size," Weiss shot back dryly, "But thank you for also pointing that you are a massive cradle-robbing pervert,"

"WHAT!? N-no! I-I'm not! I swear Snow Ang-!"

"Don't. Call. Me. Snow Angel. _EVER._" The White fairy commanded icily, "Now if you'll excuse us, Dispatch fairy Jaune Arc, _we _have important business to attend to,"

"Oh yeah, right… license and registration…" the Dispatch fairy sighed, before giving Magical Glynda another look, "Hmm… This one's cute… Been a while since we had a Magical girl with glasses…'

"We're _still _trying to sort out that paperwork _nightmare _the last one left us with," The White fairy remarked bitterly, "I mean seriously, a _self-sustaining time loop that gets WORSE with each go-round? _Put the whole freaking _universe _in jeopardy to save her crush!"

"It was romantic…" The Red fairy pouted, "Screw destiny! _Always save the girl!_"

"Short-sighted is more like it, you dolt," The White fairy huffed, turning back to our Heroine, "But enough about that – I trust that _you _won't endanger the universe for the sake of a symbolic love interest, will you?"  
"Um… No?"

"Good."

"Are we still talking about what _actually happened, _or marketing's anime dramatization?" The Dispatch fairy asked, scratching his head in puzzlement, "Cause that third movie they just came out with-,"

"SHUT UP ARC!" The White and Red fairies shouted at him in unison, "WE HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET!"

"Sorry…"

As they took their leave of the rather dejected-looking Dispatch fairy and made their way up a rather impressive and extravagant grand staircase – impressive in the sense that it was genuinely massive, even my human standards, and extravagant because the fairies all floated over it, unbound by gravity – Our Heroine glanced back at the dispatch fairy guiltily, "You guys were kind of mean to him…"

"He was going to spoil the movie," The White fairy stated flatly, as though that were justification enough.

"We're watching it this weekend," The Red fairy chimed in, "No spoilers allowed!"

"I suppose you're right though…" The White fairy admitted with a sigh, much to the surprise of intern and Magical Girl alike, "He really _is _a nice guy…"

The Read fairy cocked her head, "Then what's with the Tsundere routine?"

"I AM NOT A TSUNDERE DUST DAMMIT!" The White fairy seethed, "But I can't have rumors going around that I'm into that dunce!"

"You're just too proud sometimes~"

"No, _Dolt, _an individual as capable as myself has every right to all the pride she wants," The White fairy retorted, "The reason I can't let people think I like Jaune is because I don't want Pyrrha to _kill me…_"

"Oh…" The Red fairy paled a bit, "I can see that… And she's normally so _nice too…_"

"Yeah," The White fairy warned, "But remember what happened to Miku?"

"Who?"

"_Exactly,_" The White fairy breathed, "She's so terrified that she hasn't left the TV department since the incident… When I brought her coffee last week she said she's _still _trying to dance away her nightmares…"

"That sounds horrifying…" Our Heroine blanched.

The White fairy nodded, "Last week she tried the polka…"

"Polka…" Our Heroine cocked her head, "Wait… Miku… Miku… DO YOU MEAN HATSUNEMIKU? SHE'S ACTUALLY _REAL?!_"

The White fairy facepalmed, "Yes… Vocaloids are mascots too…"

"OH MY GOD! CAN I MEET HER CAN I MEET HER? PLEASE?"

"'I'm afraid not," The White fairy shook her head as she waited for our Heroine to cease her enthusiastic bouncing, "Her… Music therapy consumes far too much of her time to-,"

"Music therapy? Ha!" Suddenly, the Black fairy caught up with them, panting furiously as a result of the tremendous exertion to which she forced her wings to carry herself after them, "You're just exploiting her to generate online ad revenue!"

"We've been over this Belladonna; what I have her doing is _perfectly legal,_" The White fairy responded impatiently.

"That doesn't make it ethical!" the Black fairy objected.

"Never place friendship above profit,"

"Don't quote the Rules of Acquisition to me!"

"They're the rules I live by; someone has to, or we'd all be swimming in red ink, and then who would pay for your ridiculous office parties?" The White fairy replied smugly.

"I bet you would _breed Grimms _just to have more fodder for licensing to produce those ridiculous cartoons, wouldn't you!" The Black fairy accused, "All you care about is money!"

"Don't be ridiculous," The White fairy waved her accuser off, "We only do that for _training purposes, _Belladonna, which is also legal, by the way,"

"Tch, and how do you justify _that? _Rule of acquisition # 35? Well I guess if _'War is good for business-,'"_

"Setting aside for the moment that your argument doesn't even make logical sense, _Attorney Belladonna,_" The White fairy glared, "That is the thirty-_fourth _rule,"

"I thought Rule thirty four was 'if it exists, there's porn of it…'"

Three fairies turned mortified gazes to our Heroine, who shrank under their tiny judgmental pixie stares, "_Excuse me?_" The White fairy demanded, eyebrow twitching, "Young lady, there _is _a morals clause in your contract-,"

"Wait, there is?" The Black fairy sounded confused as she conjured a fairy script copy of the document in question, "I could've sworn I got rid of that…"

"I… I… heard if from a classmate?" Our Heroine weakly – but _completely honestly – _defended her statement.

Sighing deeply with her hand still pressed to her face, the White fairy returned to her previous subject, "_Anyway, _Rule of Acquisition number _34 _is 'War is good for business,'"

"Then what _is _Rule 35?" The Red fairy asked curiously.

"Peace is good for business,"

It was the Black fairy's turn to Facepalm, "That's such a contradiction!"

"Nonsense! They're both equally true in their own ways!"

"Greedy sprite,"

"Hmph! You're just jealous that you aren't as good with money as I am!" The White fairy smirked, "Rule of Acquisition # 284: Deep down, _everyone's _a Ferengi,"

"What's a Ferengi?" Our Heroine asked the Red fairy, who was also spectating the exchange, simply relieved that she seemed to be off the hook for her previous remark.

The Red fairy however, just shrugged, "I dunno,"

Having utterly forgotten the fairy intern and the Magical Girl present though, the monochrome duo continued their squabbles, "Oh yeah? Well doesn't one of your _precious rules _say that – and I _quote – _'Females and finances don't mix'!?"

"Th-that can be interpreted numerous ways!"

"Just admit it! You've long since _sold _your dignity!"

"Dignity in an empty sack is worth the _sack!_" The White fairy shot back.

"Ahuh. And which rule is that?"

"One hundred nine!"

"Jeez… you two don't agree on _anything…_" Magical Glynda remarked, awed by just how heated the argument had become.

"No, no, there is _one thing…_" The Red fairy shook her head.

"And what's tha-,"

"PICARD OVER KIRK!" Both arguing fairies abruptly turned to shout in unison, before returning to their bickering.

"Who?" Magical Glynda asked the Red fairy.

The Red fairy just shrugged, "Beats me, but they're gonna be at this for a while… so let's go get you registered while they argue…"

"Yeah…" Our Heroine agreed as the two of them quietly kept moving, leaving their seniors to continue their argument as to whether or not something called "Deep Space Nine" was better than something else known as "The next generation." Our Heroine on the other hand, had much more pressing concerns with which to present her intern fairy, "So uh… where _are _we going?"

"To someone _far more powerful _than the legal department or accounting…" the Red fairy said cryptically.

"Who's that?"

"Human Resources…"

**Who is the head of HR? Will Blake and Weiss ever get along? Will poor Miku ever recover? Will Magical Glynda ever watch Star Trek? And **_**is **_**Picard better than – oh who am I kidding; of course he is. All these questions and more **_**might **_**be answered next time if the writer can be bothered. Join us next time as we continue the magical journey of Magical Girl Glitter Glynda Chan! Also, shout out to ElfCollaborator's adorable Melanie X Cardin ship!**


	6. Magical Glynda's Registration

_**Last Time, On Magical Girl Glitter Glynda-Chan…**_

"_You guys were kinda mean to him…" _

"_He was going to spoil the movie!" _

"_Remember what happened to Miku?"_

"_You mean Hasunemiku!? CAN I MEET HER CAN I MEET HER PLEASE!?"_

"_Music therapy? More like exploitation!" _

"_Never let friendship stand in the way of profit!" _

_You SOLD your dignity a long time ago!" _

"_Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack!" _

"_They don't agree on anything…" _

"_There is one thing…" _

"_PICARD OVER KIRK!"_

"_We're going to someone far more powerful than Accounting or Legal," _

"_Who's that?'_

"_Human Resources…" _

* * *

It was not long after our adorable heroine arrived at the underground headquarters of MAMI that she began to grasp the true organizational extent of the Magic Alliance of Mascot Intermediaries. On their journey to Fairy HR, the exasperated Red Fairy had led her away from the bickering monochrome duo and past Fairy Broadcasting (behind whose doors could be heard the sounds of bubbly J-pop), Fairy Labs (whose door was bedecked with a magical bio-hazard sign), and Fairy Merchandising (outside whose door was a rack full of colorful mascot-themed cell-phone straps) before the pair finally arrived outside a simple door labelled "Human Resources," but what awaits our plucky young heroine?

* * *

"So uh…" Our heroine pondered as she faced the human-sized door, "Are all the mascots fairies like you and Weiss?"

"Nope – just most of us,"

"Are you all that small?"

"Blake says that the polite term is 'fun-sized'"

"Right…" Our heroine nodded, glancing up at the sign on the door, "But either way… Wouldn't it make more sense to label the door 'Fairy Resources' or 'Mascot resources?"

The Red fairy shrugged, "Doesn't really have the same ring to it,"

"Hmmm… Guess not…" Our Heroine agreed without particular decision as she reached for the doorknob, "Well, I guess we better get this 'registration' thing over with…"

"Right!"

Turning the knob, our Heroine opened the door and pulled it open, providing both herself and her Pixie compatriot admittance to the office on the other side. Opposite the door was a fine mahogany desk behind which, in a tiny floating chair, sat another fairy, This one with a long copper-red ponytail and a pleasant smile and emerald green eyes. Her hands were folded on the desk and she seemed to have been waiting for them, "Good evening,"

"Um… Hello…" Our Heroine replied nervously; she was speaking to ostensibly the most powerful department-head within the MAMI organization – if the Red Fairy was to be believed in saying that HR was greater than both Accounting _and _legal, "I'm Glynda…"

"It's a pleasure to meet you Magical Girl Glitter Glynda," the startlingly pretty little pixie responded cordially, "And a pleasure to see that Weiss hasn't scared you away yet, Ruby,"

"Nope!" The Red fairy answered the comment cheerfully, "She's still kind of a grouch though…"

"I'm sorry to hear that; she's always been… _irritable… _But she gets the job done," The HR Fairy acknowledged, "Although speaking of which… Where _is _Weiss? Shouldn't she be with you?"

"She uh… got into a uh… _difference of opinion _with Blake from Legal…" Our heroine offered, seeing the nervous fidgeting of her floating red comrade, "But she said this was going to be simple so…"

"Right you are – or rather, right _she is!_" The HR Fairy enthused with a smile, "So if you'll come with me, we can get started right away,"

* * *

"This room," The HR fairy explained, "Is the Image Manifestation Activity Xerox chamber… or _IMAX _for short – oh, but don't tell legal – that _particular _acronym is unofficial," She concluded with a smile.

"Okay…" Our Heroine nodded her tentative understanding, "But… Do you have a name…? Or should I just call you _HR Fairy…?_"

"Oh my gosh! I'm sorry!" This latest fairy to make our Heroine's acquaintance abruptly apologized, to the shock – and in the Red fairy's case, suspicion of Magical Girl and fairy intern alike, "Where are my manners? My name is Pyrrha! Pyrrha Nikos! It's positively grand to meet you!"

"P-Pyrrha?" Our Heroine spoke hesitantly – although it would be most impolite to suggest that she stammered – and shot her caped comrade a look, "_That Pyrrha?_"

The Red fairy nodded, "Poor Miku…"

"She _does _seem really nice…"

"I beg your pardon?" The genial HR fairy cocked her head, "Is something wrong?"

"Well it's just that, when we passed by the dispatch fairy-,"

"Ah yes, Jaune!" the HR fairy enthused, "He's so dreamy…"

"Um…" Our Heroine tactfully opted to omit her observation that the puny fairy boy seemed a little on the scraggly side, "It's just that Weiss mentioned something about some… unpleasantness with Miku-,"

"Just a friendly warning~" HR fairy's smile returned, paired with what might not inaccurately be described as a dangerous glint in her eye, "Did wonders for her work ethic, as I'm told…"

"Right…"

"Right then; back to the matter at hand," the bronze-clad HR fairy floated over to a control console, "Before we can _finalize _your contract, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to run you through your paces a bit… Just some basic instruction and then you can show me what you're made of so we can get a feel for how to assign you tasks in future,"

Her excitement building, our Heroine eagerly agreed, "Okay, let's do it! I'm totally gonna be a real Magical Girl now!"

"Very good," Pyrrha the HR fairy nodded, then if you'll just complete this simple series of tests…" She pressed a button on the console, bringing to life in the otherwise large and vacant room a colorfully lit dance floor with two square pads on the floor set in front of an equally colorful screed, "Oh no, no, no…" The HR fairy frowned, "Mel and Milly left their game on again when they left… I'll have to speak to them…"

""_DDR?_"

"Mmmm… Rather challenging at our size…" Pyrrha nodded, "It's quite popular among the staff actually… This room doubles as a recreational facility – most of the employees don't get out much… Speaking of which… Ren forgot to save his StarCraft game again…"

"You use this room to play video games?" Our Heroine gaped, unsure whether to be shocked or impressed.

"Yes… conventional video games, visual novels…" The HR fairy listed absently as she sifted through the list and deactivated the non-essential programs, "Oh dear…"

"What?" The Red fairy asked, head cocked.

"Oh nothing, nothing…" The Bronze fairy blushed, "It seems that your sister left some of her… _personal… _files running on standby…"  
"What kind of-,"

"I said it's nothing!" The Bronze fairy insisted, "Now if you ladies don't mind, on with the show!"

* * *

_Five Minutes Later…_

* * *

"HEEEEELP MEEEEE!"

"Use your wand and imagine a Hypo-thermic discharge!"

"IMAGINE WHAT!?"

The Bronze fairy sighed, shaking her head as the Red fairy couldn't decide whether to cheer or panic beside her, "Oh dear…"

The subject of all this concern, as one should most certainly be wondering – provided of course that the reader cares about our adorable heroine, and is not a heartless jerk without a soul – was our intrepid heroine, presently locked in fierce, determinate battle against not one, not two, but _a dozen _Beowolves; the whole exchange of tooth, claw, and sporadic bursts of colorful fairy Dust taking place in a magically generated facsimile of a coliseum – "just a little piece of home" as the Bronze fairy called it. Assuming again that the reader is not a heartless jerk without a soul, the observer might note that things weren't going very well…

Our heroine had for nearly ten minutes now been performing a flawlessly executed and _sustained _tactical retreat – not to be confused for running away in a flailing panic – from the pack. All the while, she shouted out a furious – and totally not terrified – battle-cry as she led the slavering beasts on a wild goose chase around the perimeter of the arena, and while the setting was artificial and magically generated, the Beowolves were quite real. The reader might recall that last time, our presently absent White fairy mentioned previously, it was common practice for MAMI to keep live Grimms in captivity for training purposes such as today. Unfortunately, MAMI's attitude toward work-related safety hazards was somewhat… laisses-faire…

"Come on Glynda! _Fly!_" The Red fairy encouraged from the stands, "They can't reach you in the air!"

"Uh… Okay I'll try it!" Our Heroine called back in a shaky voice, "B-but… _HOW?"_

"We… could be here a while…" The Bronze fairy sighed.

* * *

_Thirty Minutes later…_

* * *

"Oh… my… God… That was… terrifying…" Our Heroine gasped, _positively boundless_ in her modesty, "Please… don't tell me that I have to do that again…"

"No, one pack of Beowolves is sufficient," The bronze fairy offered a beleaguered smile, "Now we need to test you in a more… _difficult _scenario…"

Our heroine stood in the arena, hands on her knees as she panted and swallowed fresh lungfuls of air after the previous battle – the results of which being a dozen frozen Beowolves, an exhausted Magical Girl, and her slightly bruised ego, "What… what do you mean _more difficult?_"

The Bronze fairy smiled apologetically as she pointed behind our heroine, "I'm sorry…"

At the sound of a menacing hiss and several loud clicking noises, Magical Glynda turned to find herself confronted with her most monumental challenge yet, "W-what is _THAT!?_"

"A Deathstalker,"

"A _WHAT!?_"

The creature that now stood before our intrepid Heroine was enormous. Its colossal pincers were big enough to snap her in half, and its mighty tail bore a stinger fit to sunder trees from their roots and homes from their foundations – to say nothing of what such a horrifying instrument of death could do to our unreservedly terrified Heroine – and the monstrosity's entire body was covered in a nigh impenetrable armored carapace.

"A uh… A giant scorpion?"

"Yup,"

"How do I… uh… How do I kill it…?"

"Well actually…" the Bronze fairy spoke somewhat tentatively, "The point of this exercise is to test your improvisational skills…"

"Wonderful…"

Unfortunately, our Heroine would not be afforded the time to compose a more appropriate witticism under the present circumstance, because had she not dodged, the results would most certainly not have been wonderful – a fact which the Bronze fairy recognized as potentially inconvenient, and so she chose to apologize in advance, "I'm sorry!"

Magical Glynda did not have the time to respond, however, as dodging the scorpion-like Grimm tail and pincers required her full attention – seeing as she did not much fancy the prospect of being skewered or dismembered. In defense against another strike of the beast's tail, our Heroine held up her wand and squeezed her eyes shut as the purple barrier glyph flickered to life, shielding her from the stoke.

"Come on Glynda!" The Red fairy cheered her advice and encouragement, "Fly!"

"PEOPLE CAN'T FLY! IT ISN'T PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE!"

"But you're a Magical Girl now!"

"I DON'T RECALL SPROUTING WINGS!"

"This… isn't going well…" The Bronze fairy shook her head.

"IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN GET OUT OF THIS GIG!?"

"Well, you could always let the Deathstalker-,"

"WAYS THAT _DON'T _INVOLVE ME GETTING IMPALED WOULD BE NICE!"

"Don't worry so much!" the Red fairy waved off our heroine's truly superfluous concern for life and limb, "MAMI has excellent insurance!"

"IF IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU, I'LL JUST TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT!"

The Red fairy turned to her bronze senior, "Are you sure we can't help her? Cause right now she's kinda…" the Deathstalker's stinger snagged on Magical Glynda's cape, precipitating a face-plant, "Screwed…"

The Bronze fairy sighed as our plucky Magical Girl was very nearly trampled, "I'm afraid not… But then, she _is _doing better than most…" Magical Glynda was presently clinging to the monstrous scorpion's tail for dear life, "Granted… better does not necessarily mean _well…_"

Meanwhile, Magical Glynda's thought process could more or less be transcribed as – OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODHELPMEHELPMEHELPMEIDON'TWANNADIE! – which, while superficially appearing to be a rather cowardly way to think, the _astute _follower of our heroine's exploits will surely realize that these thoughts were not prompted by something so frivolous as self-preservation, but rather was motivated by her strong and innate desire to help people – a desire which can't very well be fulfilled from six feet in the ground. In fact, the reader really ought to thank our Heroine for her dazzling selflessness.

_Come on Glynda! Think! Maybe you can freeze it like the Beowolves! _She thought as she now frantically balanced on the creature's armored back, it thrashing violently all the while in an effort to shake her off. Without further hesitation, Magical Glynda made a decisive – and completely _adorable _flick of the wrist so as to conjure another icy blast with which to encase the creature. Unfortunately, Magical Glynda was out of juice.

"CRAP! WHY ISN'T IT WORKING!?"

"I'm sorry!" The Bronze fairy prefaced, "But it seems that you've already spent today's Dust allotment…"

It was then most concertedly, although perhaps not for the first time that day, that Magical Glynda contemplated the possibility that this whole 'Magical Girl' thing might not have been all it was cracked up to be…

* * *

_Meanwhile…_

* * *

Jaune Arc, Dispatch fairy floated beside Lie Ren, the Legal Clerk fairy as the both of them watched in horrified awe at the _spectacle _which The White and Black fairy's little squabble had evolved into, uncertain of what to do.

"Hey uh… Ren?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think we should stop them?"

"Weiss just summoned _the Arbiter _to kill Blake's storm troopers… Probably not a good time…"

"Well yeah but-,"

The Green Clerk fairy winced as three magically generated storm troopers were simultaneously beheaded with an energy sword, "You wanna get in the middle of that?"

The Dispatch fairy gulped, "No… but this is kinda getting out of hand…"

"Mmmm…" The other fairy nodded, "I know she's probably miffed about losing all those storm troopers to one Elite... But a battalion of Klingons seems like a bit much…"

"Nah, it's cool; Weiss summoned reinforcements," Jaune shrugged as he noted the newly spawned mass of Elites armed with energy swords rushing to meet the opposing horde – the hall really was starting to fill up.

"So who do you think will win this one?" The Clerk fairy asked with a shrug.

"My money's on the Elites…"

* * *

"Well, Miss Goodwitch, I have to say that I am pleasantly surprised," The Bronze fairy congratulated as our Heroine disentangled herself from the fallen heap of the recently deceased Deathstalker, "It seems that you have succeeded – and without Dust too; no small feat. Power-swapping is a fairly advanced technique, and while you still need to work on your basics, I'd say that you definitely have potential,"

"Yeah!" The Red fairy cheered, "I never thought that you'd be able to borrow my powers on the fly like that!"

Despite the congratulations, our Heroine's head was spinning. She had managed to complete the power-swapping spell on the go – by which is meant whilst running for her life – and then subsequently used her powers to run at approximately the land-speed record trailing the Red-fairy's cumbersome scythe behind her all the way, and _completely intentionally _severed the beast's tail in so doing and spit open its underbelly on what some cynical readers might call a stroke of luck as she also _completely intentionally _barreled underneath the beast in a totally deliberate effort to throw it off balance with her advanced martial arts maneuver specifically designed to appear to be nothing more than spastic flailing. In sum, the beast was dead, and despite a few minor running-face-first-into-walls-related bruises and perhaps some slight motion sickness, our plucky heroine was unharmed.

"Can… Can I go home now?"

"Certainly," The Bronze fairy smiled as the power-swap spell wore off and she escorted both Magical Glynda and the Red fairy to the door of the room, "We'll just have to go get Weiss and-,"

The Bronze fairy was interrupted however, as the door burst open and a grotesque lizard-like creature was knocked through, breathing it's last, much to everyone's surprise.

"Don't tell me… Are the Grimm invading MAMI HQ!?" Magical Glynda panicked.

"No, no," The Bronze fairy assured after taking a moment to compose herself as the creature began to disintegrate, "Wrong color scheme – this is a summoned familiar… Come with me,"

Nodding nervously, Both Magical Glynda and the intern fairy obeyed, following the HR fairy out into the corridor again, where they were faced with a scene of such chaos and lawlessness as can only be imagined in one's worst nightmares. On the left, hordes of part-reptilian, part-insectoid monstrosities shrieked and bounded over mounds of their own disintegrating dead, whilst on the right, stepping in perfect synch were row after row of dead-eyed cyborg-men. Commanding these armies respectively were the Black and White fairies – though hostilities abruptly ceased and the forces vanished when the two feuding pixies caught sight of the HR fairy.

"Oh, uh… Hi Pyrrha… Wasn't expecting you to finish so soon…" The White fairy tried to play damage control.

"She started it!" The Black fairy promptly threw her adversary under the bus.

"Not true!" Exclaimed the White fairy in response, "She insulted the Rules of Acquisition!"

The Bronze fairy sighed, "Ladies, remind me again what the rules say about the frivolous summoning of cosmic monstrosities?"

"It was just a friendly game of Zerg Versus Borg?" The Black fairy offered, changing her tactics.

Magical Glynda turned to the Red Fairy, "Zerg vs. Borg?"

"Never played it myself," The Red fairy shrugged, "But it's surprisingly popular around here – Blake and Weiss play it all the time!"

The Bronze fairy raised an eyebrow to the two recent belligerents, "Really?"

"Technically speaking, the Borg are _cybernetic Zombies, _not cosmic monstrosities-," The Bronze fairy silenced the White fairy with a glare, "Shutting up…"

"That's what I thought," the Bronze fairy nodded, "But we can discuss this little incident later; Magical Girl Glitter Glynda-chan has had a rough day, and she has school tomorrow, so be a dear Weiss, and take her home?"

"Yes ma'am…"

"Good…"

As the Bronze fairy fluttered off towards her office though, the White fairy turned back to her Black counterpart, "This isn't over, Belladonna! Next time it's Predators vs. Jem Hadar!"

"Dibs on predators," the Black fairy retorted, before floating off herself.

"So uh… Do you two do this a lot?" Magical Glynda asked, perplexed.

"Only when she pisses me off…"

"Which is all the time," the Red fairy chimed in.

"Shut up!"

**With our noble Heroine having passed the trials presented to her by Human Resources, she now journeys home for a well-deserved night's rest, but after all of the magical antics, hijinks, and grudge-matches, can our Heroine re-adjust to tomorrow's normal school day? And will she screw up and tell everyone? Only time will tell, so join us next time for Magical Girl Glitter Glynda-chan! Reviews and suggestions always welcome! **


	7. Back at School

_**Last time, on Magical Girl Glitter Glynda-chan…**_

"_So are all the mascots really small?"_

"_Blake says that the polite term is 'fun-sized'" _

"_Wouldn't it make more sense to call it 'Fairy Resources,' or even 'Mascot Resources?"_

"_Doesn't quite have the same ring to it…"_

"_That Pyrrha?"_

"_Poor Miku…" _

"_Come on Glynda! Fly!"_

"_HOW?"_

"_We… could be here a while…"_

"_Ladies, what exactly are you doing?" _

"_Uh… a friendly game of Zerg vs. Borg?"_

* * *

Her registration at MAMI headquarters officially complete, and thus our Heroine's status as 'Magical Girl Glitter Glynda, defender of Truth, Justice, etcetera' officially and _irrevocably _sealed with a cheerful gold star sticker placed on her paperwork by the HR fairy Pyrrha Nikos, our very tired heroine returned home via magical teleport – apparently she could not have reached MAMI HQ this way however, as apparently the security measures prevent any shortcuts for _incoming _visitors – and summarily flopped down on her bed at home where she promptly fell fast asleep in a manner that the reader ought to find _completely adorable _as surely as actually being present to bear witness to such aforementioned adorableness would earn said reader a _very long stay _in the nearest _prison _because they were creeping in a young girl's bedroom on the second floor of a locked private residence inside which the reader has no business being present.

After a restless night's sleep filled in part by nightmares of the wardrobe malfunction variety and partially by certain dreams concerning one Ozpin-Sempai which it would hardly be polite to discuss, our upright and morally pure Heroine groggily awoke to look at her clock whose alarm she'd forgotten to set the previous night. She saw that said penguin-shaped alarm clock read 7:50 AM, whereupon she sprang from her bed in a panic and threw on her school uniform, raced downstairs with remarkable speed and pausing for only a moment to say a hasty goodbye and shove a piece of toast in her mouth. This done, our plucky Heroine burst out the door to bolt headlong for her normal, everyday, and not in the least bit magical or monster-infested school. But what awaits our Heroine at school after the events of her initiation as a Magical Girl?

* * *

"I'M LATE! I'M LATE! OH MY DUST I'M LATE!"

"I really don't see what all the fuss is about…" groaned a drowsy Red fairy – presently dangling from our adorable heroine's book-bag cleverly disguised as a keychain – she'd been rather violently roused from her slumber in our Heroine's panicked exodus from her house, "It's just…" A positively_ adorable miniature yawn _interrupted her sentence, "It's just school…"

"MY PERFECT ATTENDANCE WILL BE RUINED!"

"Calm down," A markedly less drowsy White fairy chastised from where she was hanging beside her red-themed intern in a similar disguise, "Your dedication to perfect attendance is laudable, but you needn't get so flustered; we can just _magic _you to school-,"

Our Heroine stopped in her dignified stride – which involved only a _little _panicked flailing – and did so on a dime – figuratively speaking of course, although she would later notice that she had stepped in a discarded lump of chewing gum to which an actual dime was indeed stuck – and her sudden halt abruptly jostled her two keychain-impersonating Fairy associates, "Really? So I don't have to be late? You can just _warp me there or something?_"

"Easy their Captain Janeway; warps speed travel is another matter entirely…"

"I'm gonna be sick…" The Red fairy groaned again as she swung back and forth on her chain.

"So uh… how does this work then?" Our Heroine asked, nervously checking her iScroll to see that the time was now 8:05 – a mere ten minutes prior to the start of class, "Cause I don't really have time to sift through my contract for the right ritual…"

"Oh, don't be ridiculous; as an _officially registered _employee of the Magic Alliance of Mascot Intermediaries, your contract _of course _comes with certain perks to make your job as Magical Girl Glitter Glynda easier – One of those perks is a fast-travel function,"

"Like in video games?" Asks our Heroine, belying her perplexity.

The keychain-sized fairy nodded, "Yes… and ever since those _hundreds of hours playing Skyrim finally 'paid off' _I can't convince the lab teams to stop screwing around and-," The seething White fairy took a moment to calm herself down, "The point is, if you pull up the GPS app on your iScroll, you can click on your school and the MAMI mainframe will route to your phone the options to 'Sweep for Grimm activity,' 'Fast travel,' and 'Blue Rinse-'"

"Blue rinse? I wonder what that does-?"

"YOU WILL_ ABSOLUTELY NEVER _ACTIVATE THE BLUE RINSE DAMMIT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!? EVEN IF THE CIRCUMSTANCES JUSTIFY IT, IT'S A _MOUNTAIN OF PAPERWORK AFTERWARDS!_"

"Eeeep!" Our Heroine squealed in terror with about as much dignity as might be expected as she recoiled from the sudden rebuke, "Okay! I promise not to!"

"What _does _the Blue Rinse do?" The Red fairy asked, having resigned herself to the fact that she probably wasn't going to get any more sleep.

"That's classified," The White fairy snapped, "only employees with Level _7 _clearance have access to the files concerning Operation Fowl…"

"Okay, okay, but…" Our Heroine asked tentatively, "if it's so classified, why does it show up on my scroll?"

"Belladonna…" The White fairy growled, "Ever since she borrowed the books from Milly… she's wanted to see what it looks like…"

"Um…"

"Suffice to say that she's a colossal _TROLL!_"

"Okay…" Our Heroine used her better judgment and let the subject go as she pulled up her scroll and tapped on the icon representing her school – Beacon Academy for Moe Schoolgirls and implausibly attractive Bishonen Boys – although upon reflection, she never really had understood why it was called that – and sure enough the options that the White fairy had indicated had come up, and she hastily made her selection. Unfortunately, whilst doing so, our Heroine sneezed and her hand slipped.

"_Blue Rinse launched,_"

"OH CRAP! OH CRAP! OH CRAP! I PROMISE THAT I DIDN'T MEAN TO!"

"ABORT! ABORT! ABORT NOW _DUSTDAMMIT!"_ The white fairy shouted, "You have _seven seconds _to press the red _'ABORT' _button before impact! PRESS IT!"

With a not at all terrified squeak, our Heroine squeezed her eyes shut and slapped her whole palm on the screen. Fortunately this move did strike the highlighted 'abort' command, and so it was that our _very fortunate Heroine _saved everyone in her school from disaster entirely of her own manufacture. All in a day's work.

The White fairy heaved a heavy sigh of relief, "Now, if you'd kindly just press the _Fast Travel _icon this time…"

"Right… sorry…"

* * *

After a loading time which some might consider obnoxious, Magical Glynda's magical 'Fast Travel' app did indeed transport her to school as promised – directly outside of her homeroom as a matter of fact – and her punctuality officially preserved, our Heroine breathed a sigh of relief. Until she realized that she had materialized six inches off the ground. As she fell, she reached out for something, _anything _to hold on to – and finding purchase, she used her hand-hold to steady herself as she landed. Regrettably, the convenient object to which she had desperately clung to from behind for stability was none other than Ozpin-Sempai…

Seeing the _handsomely disheveled _silver hair when she opened her eyes, and then taking a further 1.63 seconds _exactly _to compute the fact that she was currently grasping onto him from behind, she then proceeded to the most logical and sensible course of action… She screamed and ran away to hide in the girl's bathroom.

"Oh my Dust…" Our Heroine – presently hopelessly immersed in very ordinary and not the least bit magical teenage girl problems trembled in her panic, "I-I… I _touched _Ozpin-Sempai…"

"Congratulations," The White fairy said dryly, "And while I'm sure this is a _huge step _in your nonexistent relationship, I'm afraid that you're going to be late if you aren't _in _that class within the next… _three minutes…_"

"B-but I _touched him!_"

"Yes, you've said that already," The White fairy rolled her eyes, "Look, you almost _exterminated _everyone on the campus because you were in such a hurry to save your perfect attendance, _surely _you can-,"

"Weiss!" The Red fairy came to our flustered Heroine's defense, "Just think about what she's going through! This is the _boy she likes-,_"

"_I _like money, vanilla sorbet, and neatly organized workspaces, but you don't see me going into a panic attack whenever I touch them," The White fairy shot back.

"Not everyone's _married to work _like you, Weiss…"

"Wha-! _Married to WORK? _I can be fun!" the White fairy objected, resenting the comment, "Just last week, I bought you those cookies-!"

"And then made me fill out an incident report."

The White fairy huffed, "But weren't the cookies so much more _satisfying _after getting the job done?"

"Not really…"

Meanwhile, completely heedless of the pixie-argument unfolding on the side of her book-bag, our heroine continued to panic, her mind racing from one worst-case scenario to the next, "What if he saw me? I'll never be able to look him in the face again – Oh no! What if _somebody else saw me? _They could hold this over me for the rest of my life! Come to think of it… where _exactly _was I grabbing him… don't tell me I…" Our panicky heroine flushed a bright shade of red as a horribly unladylike thought crossed her mind and she slumped to the floor, "That's it, isn't it? My life is over… I wish I could just- _Wait… _If I did _that _than of course the _honorable _thing to do would _obviously _be to _marry him! _Maybe I'm not totally screwed after all! Of course we'd have to wait until we graduate – but nothing says I can't start _making it up to him before-_,"

Mid-increasingly-delusional-sentence, our hormone-addled teenage Heroine swiftly received an improbably forceful smack upside the head from the White fairy, whom had detached herself from Glynda's book-bag amid the rambling word-vomit, "_Absolutely not!_"

"But-!"

"Your _morals clause!_"

"But I-,"

"_No illicit, provocative, indecent, sexual, or otherwise overtly romantic activity is permitted during a Magical Girl's term of service," _The White fairy quoted, "At most, you can hold hands – or if you _really _want to interpret it loosely, he can give you a _chaste _kiss on the _cheek _immediately subsequent to some manner of crowning achievement. I _suppose _that you could also get away with a _'date' _as long as you called it something else…"

Our hormonal Heroine's face fell, "But…"

"_And ABSOLUTELY no butts!_" The White fairy snapped, "We have these rules for a reason, Glynda – trust me, you _do not _want to be the next Incident Q-Beta…" she shivered "It's actually quite horrifying, what a combination of _lust _and magical powers can do to your mind…" She sighed, "At any rate, you're blowing this all way out of proportion; if this is really _that important to you, _we can always just modify his memory – the lab techs who still bother doing their jobs tell me that they've gotten the risk of brain-hemorrhaging down to _negligible levels…_"

Our adorably moe Heroine sniffed, "Really? Y-you can? I mean, it's not like I _like him, like him _or anything…"

The White fairy facepalmed, "Great… she's a tsundere too…"

"No she's _not,_" the Red fairy defended our Heroine again, "she's just too embarrassed to admit her feelings,"

The White fairy stared at her blankly, "If you're going to insist that someone _isn't a tsundere, _you really shouldn't describe them with the underlying principle for the tsundere archetype…"

"Um…" The Red fairy back-peddled – both figuratively and literally, resulting in her bumping the back of her head against the wall, "Ow… well I still say she _isn't! Her boobs are too big!_"

The White fairy blinked. Then she blinked again, "Setting aside the _utterly ridiculous _suggestion that one's temperament and personality are in _any way contingent upon one's bust size-_,"

"Yang says you only think that way because magic's powerless against your genetics,"

The White fairy's eyebrow twitched, "Excuse me Glynda…" she grabbed her intern by the collar rather forcibly, "But I have a… _lesson _to impart upon my _cheeky little intern…_"

"Please don't hurt me!" The Red fairy squeaked pathetically.

"I suggest you get to class within the next forty-five seconds," the White fairy spoke in a forced level tone to our Heroine, ignoring the Red fairy's pleas for mercy, "You'll find that _Ozpin-Sempai _doesn't remember a thing… _You, on the other hand…_" She turned a positively vicious look on her intern, "_You will never forget your place again…_"

As our now less-dejected Heroine dried her tears and got up to head for class, tiny little Fairy screams could be heard emanating from the girl's bathroom as the White fairy proceeded to punish her subordinate – by placing upon her a curse that would transfigure any confection she touched into broccoli for a week of course, lest the reader get carried away with some lewd interpretation of subtext that is not factually supported and risk blundering into unseemly imaginings…

* * *

Back in her classroom, it appeared as though the White fairy had indeed spoken the truth – neither Ozpin-Sempai nor anybody else seemed to know what she had accidentally done – although was perhaps on the fence as to whether or not she regretted it – and she was greeted by the approving smile of her teacher and a cheery welcome from her friends Cinder, Roman, Peter, and Bartholomew. As a matter of fact, Ozpin-Sempai didn't notice her at all… much less ask for… _recompense… _

"I guess it worked…" Our Heroine concluded, letting out a somewhat perplexingly disappointed sigh.

As our Heroine mulled over the fact that she had perfect attendance, spent nearly an hour each morning and evening making herself look pretty, and that she had perfect grades, and then proceeded to wonder what _else _she would have to do to get Sempai to notice her – contract be damned – her train of thought was interrupted as one of her friends spoke, "What worked?"

"Oh nothing…" Magical Glynda – presently masquerading as ordinary everyday Glynda, obviously – moped in response to her best friend Cinder's question, "I just wanted to see if I could make it here on time from the other side of the school…"

To this, Cinder Fall raised an eyebrow; she was a sharp student in her own right, and nobody's fool. She'd been at our Heroine's side since kindergarten, could tell when she was feeling down, and always tried to brighten her day. She was always there to provide a hug or share a text book – or even her lunch which, though a sweet gesture, was usually passed up by our Heroine on account of the fact that she wasn't particularly fond of burritos. The more cynical and/or despicably perverse members of the audience may interpret this friendly devotion as romantic interest and/or sexual tension and proceed to get carried away with indecent shipping fantasies. Those of you in the audience for whom this can be accurately said to be the case are encouraged to report themselves to the local police station because you are obviously deviants who fantasize about fourteen-year-old girls. As for those of you whose first instinct was _not _to imagine such an indecent circumstance, congratulations; all five of you get a gold star.

"Oh…" Replied Cinder, not buying the excuse in the least and looking away in totally _not _sexually-frustrated disappointment (stillnotshipping), "Maybe we could… y'know, do something after school to help you cheer up…? Like go shopping, or to this neat baker that sells penguin-shaped cake or…" Miss Fall's voice shrank with each passing word, "maybe just go to my house…"

"What was that?"  
"N-nothing!" Cinder blushed, looking down, as she was plainly embarrassed of her crippling and oddly specific social anxiety.

"Hmmm… Okay… I guess that sounds fun…" Glynda mused, _Maybe it'll help distract me from all this magical nonsense and the fact that no matter what I do, Ozpin-Sempai just won't notice me… _

"It's a date then!" Cinder abruptly cheered – it would seem that praying before her _completely platonic _Glynda-kun shrine every day for the past year had finally paid off!

"A what?"

"Nothing!"

"Huh… are _you _feeling alright Cinder?"

"Miss Fall, Miss Goodwitch, class is starting, so if you wouldn't mind…" Their teacher politely interrupted.

"Sorry sir…" They replied in unison.

With a nod, the teacher was about to proceed with his lesson until –

"_All students and faculty, a vicious animal has been sighted on the school grounds, and thus the campus will be going into a state of lock-down until such time as the reports can be verified and dealt with. Please remain calm and observe safety protocols at all times. Descending into a state of panicked chaos is not recommended. Good day," _

"What…"

**Will Glynda ever get Sempai to notice her? Was or was not Cinder's alleged Glynda-kun shrine a giant – not to mention slightly creepy – waste of time? What has invaded the school and**_** who **_**made the lock-down announcement? And does that last part even **_**MATTER? **_**All these questions and more may or may not be answered in the next exciting chapter of Magical Girl Glitter Glynda-chan! That is, if the writer can be bothered… as you may have noticed he hasn't exactly been on the ball lately has he?**


	8. A New Foe?

_**Last time, on Magical Girl Glitter Glynda-Chan… **_

"_I'M GONNA BE LATE!"_

"_Just use your fast-travel app…"_

"_What's this one that says 'Blue Rinse' do?"_

"_DO NOT ACTIVATE THE BLUE RINSE UNDER __ANY CIRCUMSTANNCES!__"_

"_Only Employees of MAMI with level 7 clearance or higher are privy to the details of Operation Fowl…" _

"_Blue Rinse, launched," _

"_ABORT! ABORT! ABORT DUST-DAMMIT!" _

"_OH MY DUST, I TOUCHED HIM!"_

"_Weiss! Think of what she's going through! This is the boy she likes!" _

"_I like money, vanilla sorbet, and neatly organized workspaces, but you don't see me going into a panic-attack whenever I touch one of them," _

"_No illicit, provocative, indecent, sexual, or overly romantic activities are permitted during a Magical Girl's term of service," _

"_But-,"_

"_And ABSOLUTELY NO BUTTS!" _

"_As if the size of a person's bust has ANY influence on one's personality-,"_

"_Yang says you only think that way because Magic's powerless against your genetics…" _

* * *

Having arrived at her normal everyday school after her official registration as a Magical Girl, as well as nearly precipitating its complete annihilation – an accident, let us be clear – and then equally accidentally blundering into a potentially compromising situation with the handsome Ozpin-Sempai (but not so compromising so as to exceed the levels of romantic tension permissible in a family-friendly series such as this one, of course), our adorable Heroine finally returns to her class, her perfect attendance preserved thanks to a little pixie intervention. No sooner does she take her seat and make plans to meet with her one-hundred-percent sexually disinterested and completely platonic friend Cinder than was her idyllic school life once more interrupted by the announcement of a building-wide lock-down. Has a Grimm invaded the school? Can Magical Glynda concoct an excuse to leave the classroom and investigate? And what awaits her if she does?

* * *

"So what do you think this is all about?" Our Heroine's bowler-hat-wearing friend Roman asked as the teacher corralled them all into the corner of the classroom, "Do they _usually _go into _lock down _when somebody spots a squirrel on campus?"

"They _did _say that it was a _vicious _animal," Glynda's rather more portly friend Peter remarked.

"Okay, so it's a _rabid squirrel; Anybody_ _not _had their shots?"

"Shut up Roman!" Cinder snapped, her social anxiety extending only to the person of her one-hundred-percent platonic best friend for reasons best known to herself, "And get your stupid Jerkface feet off the desk! This is serious!"

"Pfft. You want me…"

"S-shut up! Pervert!" Miss Fall snapped back, resoundingly denying the _absurd _possibility that she had any attraction to this boy in a manner that in no way subtextually screamed the words "I have a massive case of denial.' You see, Cinder Fall is of course a fine, upstanding young woman with a career to think about – and even if it were to be the case – which it isn't – that she harbored a smoldering Sempai-crush which bordered upon mild psychosis for our sweet and maidenly Heroine, or indeed occasionally fantasized about an unconventionally _assertive _relationship with the young Master Torchwick involving the rather liberal use of the phrase 'yes ma'am,' she couldn't possibly _pursue such ideas – _which is again moot because they do not exist.

Magical Glynda, Meanwhile was, like the good and caring friend she was – and like all protagonists – completely ignoring the worries and concerns of her friends because her own inner monologue was _much more important _than any of _them… _

_Where did it come from? there were no Monsters in the school before – WAIT! maybe it's actually a Grimm that's been screwing with the shower curtains in the girls' locker room and I just couldn't see it because I didn't have magical powers – _The astute reader would most definitely be interested to note that the string of incidents to which our Heroine refers in the course of her musings is actually the doing of Miss Cinder Fall (accidentally of course) slipping on the wet floor and catching the curtains by mistake, whereupon she scrambled to hide inside the nearest locker from which she does _not _take indecent pictures of her Glynda-Sempai lest she be called a pervert as a consequence of so wholly innocent a misunderstanding – _Or maybe its actually a mischievous Grimm that breaks my umbrella every time it rains – _this too, can be attributed to Cinder Fall, for whom the writer has no excuse to hand on this particular matter – _Oh, but what if-_

"Earth to Glynda…"

"Our Heroine blinked as a still visibly miffed White fairy and even _more _visibly dejected and apologetic Red fairy appeared before her, the one with her arms crossed, the other staring at the broccoli-shaped stamp which now adorned the back of her hand forlornly, "Oh my Dust! You two can't be here! What if people see-!"

"Easy there Glitter Goodwitch," The White Fairy deadpanned, "We have a situation, so we called in a favor at HQ – the _'ethics' _concerning localized time stops are much more… _flexible… _at times like these…"

Glancing about for a moment to confirm the White fairy's words and ensure that she wouldn't be seen talking to plushie-sized fairies in class – not that she was worried about embarrassing herself; our Heroine is much to _heroic _to harbor such petty priorities, "There's a Grimm on the school Grounds!" Our Heroine then blurted in panic, springing up from her desk and inadvertently knocking the presently time-locked young Master Torchwick out of his seat and to the floor, "We have to-,"

"Yes, yes, we're going to handle it, but _calm down. _It's just one Beowolf on the roof – nothing too horrifying. Now, If you would just _calmly _follow me to the Area of Operations we can handily dispatch the slavering monstrosity before anyone from the Temporal Mechanics department has to take a potty break and the time-stop falls apart…"

Nodding slowly, our heroine replied more evenly this time, "Y-yeah okay… just like the first time…"

"Yes, very good; except _now _you know what you're doing?"

"I do?"

The White fairy facepalmed, "I guess we're going to find out…"

* * *

_Approximately 82 seconds later, on the roof…_

There it stood – eight feet tall the beast was, and covered in bone plates and spines besides. It's horrific, slavering maw dripped with its revolting beastly saliva as the unholy monstrosity stared down our noble Heroine who's knees were not weak or wobbly in the least. With each foul, guttural breath, the beast polluted the air and its stench of death, decay, and week-old-lasagna strengthened, threatening to suffocate any mere mortal who might have been unfortunate enough to chance by – or at least temporarily dampen their zest for life immediately prior to the likely event of their vicious maiming and subsequent ingestion by the aforementioned aberration.

"It's just one," The White fairy patiently reminded our trembling Heroine – Plainly in an effort to stay the full extent of her righteous fury so that she would not unintentionally lay waste to the school in her moral outrage, of course, "You can do this,"

"R-right…" So mighty was our Heroine's wrath that she was nearly beyond words, "M-magical Girl Glitter-,"

But our Heroine's transformation sequence was interrupted mid-declaration – and no, not by something so trivial as _copyright litigation_ (Say what you like about the Black fairy, but she is an excellent lawyer) -

by a _horrible _squelching noise as her foe abruptly jerked back in a spasm of pain and cried out it's frustration at the unfairness of life – not that it earned any sympathy, as the creature's dying lamentations passed through its snarling maw in the form of a hideous bark and some rather stomach-churning gurgling noises – and protruding through it's ribcage from behind could be seen a single metal point. As the monster collapsed to the ground and began to disintegrate, what else but a pretty pink _parasol _opened up behind it, momentarily obscuring the identity of the assailant.

"Uh… what?" Our Heroine wonders aloud, bemused, "Does this mean I'm off the clock again..?"

"No…" Said the White fairy darkly as the parasol was raised to rest upon the newcomer's shoulder, "It just got _worse…_"

Before our plucky Heroine stood another girl roughly her age with one brown and one pink eye; she wore a classy white blouse with a much more fashion-forward dark-colored corset, and several necklaces. Her hair was not one, not _two, but three _different shades – brown, white, _and pink,_ yet despite this most _interesting _of style choices, she made it work – how exactly we really aren't sure, but she did – and she presented herself with a slight courtly bow.

"_Worse? _But she just did our job!" Protested the Red fairy, confused.

"Oooh… how does she get her hair like that-?"

"Dunce! Activate your powers _NOW!_" Shrieked the White fairy, brooking no argument.

"O-okay! Magical Girl Glitter Glynda go…" She obeyed with little enthusiasm, "But I still don't see what the-,"

Again was our beleaguered Heroine interrupted, this time by a tapping noise from across the way, directing the attention of Fairies and Magical Glynda alike back to the newcomer, who gestured patiently at a tablet, of all things, which she held in her free hand.

** I, the mighty and powerful Magical Neo, have come to steal your children, plunder your homes, and kidnap your hotties to be my concubines! Resistance is futile! **_**She declares as though it were obvious. **_

"Um… What…"

The parasol-wielding interloper tapped her foot impatiently; **I have returned from ten thousand years of exile to visit my unholy revenge upon the innocent people of Vale, **_**Magical Neo clarifies with a roll of the eyes meant to suggest that you may be an idiot. **_

"But why would you do something so horrible!?" Our naïve young Heroine cries out with no concept of sociopathy.

The newcomer twirled her parasol, _**For the Evulz~ She says, cackling with sadistic glee. **_

Our Heroine blinked a few times, then turned to her fairy partner, "She's kidding right? I mean, she's a Magical Girl _right-,_"

**Gold star… **_**Magical Neo remarks with a note of condescension. **_

"Yes…" The White fairy reluctantly affirmed.

"So she _has to be joking – _I mean, you force Magical Girls to take an oath to defend Truth and Justice, right?"

**Don't forget the 'etcetera~ **_**Magical Neo smiles unnervingly. **_

"Also true…" The White fairy reluctantly continued, "As of the _fourth _iteration of the Magical Girl program that is..."

**Oops, **_**Magical Neo chimes in uninvited, her patience wearing thin. **_

"_Fourth_?"

"You, Dunce, are empowered under the terms of the _seventh _generation Magical Girl initiative," The White fairy clarified, before gesturing in _'the mighty and powerful magical Neo's _direction, "_She _is a _third generation _Magical Girl…"

"So…?"

"Let's just say that generation three was mothballed after incident Q-beta and leave it at that…"

"Uh-oh…"

The Neapolitan newcomer snapped her fingers, conjuring a coffee table, a cup of tea, and a nice chair before propping her parasol up on the latter and sitting down to sip the tea, all the while leaving the tablet to simply _levitate, _still facing our heroine's direction, **Magical Neo is getting bored, and Magical Neo does not like to be bored. Nonetheless, her ladyship as magnanimously decided to allow you the span of time it takes her to finish her tea in order to choose your preferred manner of horrible death, **_**She announces, sipping her tea. **_

"Um… Weiss?" Our Heroine glanced up to her senior fairy partner, "Is this Neo girl-,"

**Disgusting peons such as yourselves are to refer to her ladyship by the full name and title of 'Her Ladyship, the Mighty and Powerful Magical Neo,' although 'Magical Neo' will suffice in a pinch, as long as you miserable low-lives bow first, **_**She demands with an upturned nose meant to flaunt her superiority and self-evidently greater level of class. **_

"This girl's really getting on my-,"

**We also answer to the name of 'God,' **_**Magical Neo adds helpfully. **_

"Right..." Our Heroine gathered her resolve, raising her wand against this new despicably arrogant foe and not feeling the least bit inadequate, "You know what? I'm gonna wipe that stupid smirk of your face!"

"You Dunce! You're nowhere near strong enough to-!"

**Silence, Fairy minion! **_**Magical Neo snaps, informing the small flat-chested one of her place. **_

"**I AM NOT-!"**

But the White fairy's red-faced protestations went ignored as the tri-colored magical girl set down her tea and rose from her seat and took hold of her parasol, her eyes narrowed as she raised it like a sword, **You? A PATHETIC WORM such as you would dare raise a hand to challenge ME? I, who knelt FOR DECADES OF EXILE at the holy alter of O-Homura-Sama to be granted the power to travel through time! I, who supervised THREE HOLY GRAIL WARS disguised as a PRIEST because I had nothing else to do! I, who traveled CENTURIES INTO THE FUTURE to recruit and army of hot bisexual espers-!**

"That last one was oddly specific…"

The Parasol-wielder's attention snapped to the Red fairy, who'd made the offending comment, and shot her an icy stare as the tablet rewrote itself, **DO NOT INTERRUPT ME WENCH! **_**Magical Neo orders, her rage uncontrollable.**_

"S-sorry…"

"Hey! No one talks to my fairies like that!"

"Yeah!"

**Technically speaking, Magical Neo hasn't 'talked' to anyone… **_**She says, eyebrow cocked, not that it matters. **_

"Eat Dust!" Our Heroine shouted, waving her wand with a flourish to cast a glittering blue Dust-blast at her new foe, who promptly disappeared behind her opening parasol.

When the Dust had settled – Ha ha – the Parasol closed again, and Magical Neo remained standing, totally unharmed**, Oh it is SO on now b****! **_**Magical Neo declares, preparing to end you. **_

"Glynda, Power Swap! Now!" The White fairy ordered.

"Right!" Our Heroine nodded, her determination mounting, "_I hereby swear that I shall be all the good in the world-,_"

**I don't~ **_**Magical Neo mockingly flaunts her disregard for your principles. **_

"-And that I shall defeat all evil in the world-,"

**As if…**_**Magical Neo rolls her eyes. **_

"I thus call on the powers of the White fairy, Weiss Schnee from Accounting!"

**Took you long enough… **_**Magical Neo sighs impatiently. **_

Just as before, , Our heroine was bathed in brilliant white light as her outfit spontaneously transformed itself into her White fairy friend's white bolero jacked and combat skirt, and her wand was likewise transfigured into a human-friendly (that is, human _user _friendly) version of the pixie's toothpick-sized rapier. Grasping the newly transfigured weapon in her left hand, Magical Glynda swiftly assumed a fencing stance with her left foot forward – but not _too far forward – _and stared her opponent straight in the eye, "I'm ready for you Magical Neo! This threat to the good people of Vale will not go unanswered!"

Magical Neo raised an eyebrow to this remark, but did not lower her parasol, instead twirling it with a flourish to her left and right as though to demonstrate her skills, **Sniveling worm! You are no threat to me! **_**Her Ladyship asserts confidently. **_

Not waiting for a further snide remark from her foes levitating electronic device, Magical Glynda lunched forward to score the first strike, but just as before, Magical Neo opened her parasol to shield herself – this time though, the instant that our Heroine's blade came into contact with the ornate weaponized parasol, it and its wielder abruptly shattered. At first, our Heroine was puzzled, and turned to her two fairies with her head cocked, "Um… Did I just _win or…_"

Two more taps summoned our Heroine's attention back to the opposite end of the roof, where once more stood Magical Neo, and more usefully, her floating tablet, **No, no you didn't, **_**Magical Neo snorts with derision. **_

Our heroine's shoulders slumped in anticipation of a long and hard-fought duel between two _fabulously _dressed Magical girls, one good, one evil – the sort of thing of which truly epic climaxes are made, really – but before our heroine could fully gather her strength – not to say that she was lacking in motivation to fight for Truth, Justice, etc. against this traitorous force of evil – The White fairy gaped in horror, "N-no… She's done it…"

"Done what?" Magical Glynda and the Red fairy asked in unison, their heads simultaneously tilting at precisely the same forty-five degree angle, before – with equal simultaneity – the two also saw the hundreds of points of glimmering metal floating in an array behind Magical Neo, "Oh…"

**Trace, on… **_**Magical Neo says with ominous calmness. **_

"It's supposed to be impossible!" The White fairy floated backwards, "But she's done it! The ultimate in fashion-accessory-based combat techniques! She's master the Unlimited Parasol Works!"

"Wait, like that one visual novel Yang won't let me play?" The Red fairy asked.

The White fairy nodded, "Worse; not only is _this _combat-effective, but it's limitless accessory potential also means that she can be _infinitely fashionable!_"

Our heroine blinked, "Is _that _really important right now?"

The White Fairy's eyebrow twitched, "Well no… it just _really pisses me off _that she doesn't even have to _try…_"

"Someone's bitter…"

"Shut up! It's not my fault nothing goes with White hair!"

**Are you wretched swine quite finished? Her Ladyship was really looking forward to the whole 'impalement with extreme prejudice' thing… **_**Magical Neo states dryly, her patience thinning by the moment. **_

"It's just a few _thousand _umbrellas in the sky that happen to have _really pointy tips…_" Magical Glynda thought aloud to herself – not that she was afraid of course; that would be terribly unheroic, "Truth and Justice will prevail!"

**Her ladyship's money is on etcetera… **_**Magical Neo remarks dryly. **_

Teeth clenched, our heroine turned her weapon to the red setting and pulled the trigger, discharging a long plume of brilliant red fire which erupted toward Magical Glynda's despicable enemy. Unfortunately, the blast was halted by the opening of several new parasols before her, slacking the blast. No sooner had she released the trigger than was our Heroine forced to leap backward to avoid the previously suggested impalement-by-parasol as one of the lethal accessories rocketed through the air to embed itself in the roof where she'd been standing. Magical Glynda summoned a glyph to repel the second, third, and fourth ballistic parasols, but by the time she realized that more were conjured behind her, it was far too late.

"Dunce! Watch out!"

"Glynda!"

All at once, no less than twenty-three parasols and one umbrella (the distinction being of the utmost importance) slammed into the ground all around our unfortunate Heroine, pinning her arms and legs, but doing no actual harm as her terrifying candy-colored foe sauntered over and prodded our Heroine's sternum with the tip of her original parasol.

**You have lost. Are you prepared to die, sniveling worm? **_**Her ladyship asks rhetorically.**_

"N-no…" Our heroine courageously screamed her defiance, referring of course to the patently _false _assertion that she'd been defeated – being a Magical Girl fighting for justice, her own life was _obviously _a non-issue.

**Or… **_**Magical Neo indulges a deviant thought, **_**Her ladyship could always let you live… Magical Neo's harem is in need of a cute glasses girl… **

"W-well that's really kind of you, but see, I kinda have this morals clause thing and uh-

Our Heroine's depraved foe leaned in close to look her dead in the eyes, grasping her at the chin, **Magical Neo knows a**_** very **_**good lawyer… **_**she says with lust in her eyes… **_

As the horrifyingly deviant corrupt Magical girl leaned ever closer, our maidenly Heroine, now growing to fear for her chastity, screamed out in protest, "NO! I WON'T GO WITH YOU I DON'T SWING THAT WAY AND I DON'T WANNA BE PART OF YOUR HAREM WITH AN ARMY OF BISEXUAL ESPERS!"

At this desperate exclamation, Magical Neo recoiled, a genuine look of puzzlement playing over her face. Perhaps it was that, in her hubris, she hadn't considered that anyone would decline the chance to join her magnificent time-traveling harem. More likely however, was that this was all a colossal misunderstanding of the sort that astute readers probably saw coming a few hundred words ago… maybe… In any event, Magical Neo's head turned to examine her tablet herself – for the first time during the whole encounter, it's worth noting – and her eyes went wide in horror. Instantly she snatched it out of the air and hastily deleted all the text on the screen as the combat-parasols holding our Heroine in place dematerialized. This done, Magical Neo got down on her knees and bowed before Glynda apologetically.

**OHMYDUSTIAMSOOOOOOOSORRY!**

"Huh…?" Three heads tilted in unison this time.

**I noticed the Grimm on the roof and came to resolve the situation, but doing so necessitated both hands so I activated the thought-to-text app on my iScroll… **The formerly belligerent Magical Girl hastily typed out manually, a rather sizable sweatdrop forming on the side of her face, **Unfortunately that app has always been… **_**buggy… **_

Magical Glynda blinked, "So you _didn't _come here to kill me and lay waste to Vale…?"

**N-no… **typed the prostrated Magical Girl, **But when you started threatening me well… I thought I had to defend myself…**

Hearing this, green and silver eyes turned to stare accusingly at the White fairy, who of course took umbrage, "What!?"

"_You _said she was really dangerous Weiss!"

"And that she went rogue or something!"

"She _is – _just look at what she almost did! I shudder to think what might have happened if you hadn't thought to accuse her of being a _huge pervert _at the last minute…" The White fairy flailed her arms with a huff, "And she _did _go rogue! After Q-Beta, all third-series Magical Girls left active were officially taken out of service because they pose too much of a threat if they go off the handle! We can't just have them _rewriting the UNIVERSE _all willy-nilly now, _can we?_"

"Oh, come _on, _she can't be _that powerful _Weiss," Retorted the unbelieving Red fairy.

"Q-Beta Ruby, that's all I have to say,"

"Still…" Magical Glynda frowned, "If _you _hadn't told me to get ready for a fight then none of this would have happened!" She turned back to her erstwhile opponent, who was still kneeling prostrate, tablet raised above her bowed head, "You _weren't _gonna start a fight, _were you?_"

**No… **Magical Neo looked up with a most decidedly embarrassed expression on her face, **But I so **_**totally would've wo- **_**SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! YOU STUPID APP!**

"See Weiss? No harm done…" Magical Glynda assured, turning back to her floating pixie counterpart, though it must be said that her words _may have _lacked a semblance of conviction…

"Fine!" The pixie huffed, "But only if we take her back to MAMI HQ like the rest of her co-workers where she belongs! We can get you a nice job in broadcasting or merchandising-,"

Magical Neo shook her head and stood back up, **You and what army, flat-, **Neo blushed and slapped the device, whereupon the text was erased and replaced by: **No thank you; **_**my **_**contract states that I am to seek out and destroy the Grimm wherever I find them… **

"She's got a point…" The Red fairy commented, "on both counts… I mean, you saw what just happened; we can't exactly _drag _her to HQ…"

The White fairy sighed, "No… I _suppose _we can't…But-," She raised a finger, and then pointed it at Magical Neo, who immediately recoiled from the prospect of the impending chastisement from the floating keychain-sized mascot fairy, "You, _Magical Neo, _have been out of contact for a _long time now-_,"

**Precisely ten thousand one hundred thirty two years, six months, eight days, three hours, thirteen minutes, and twenty-three seconds… twenty four… twenty five… **Magical Neo closed her eyes with an embarrassed smile.

"Yes well… glad to see that 'forever moeblob' clause in the 3rd-gen contract was worth it…" The White fairy rolled her eyes, "I _suppose _that you could be allowed to continue operating in the field seeing as you're so… _efficient…_" the pixie nervously eyed the still-disintegrating corpse of the Beowolf across the way, "In exchange for that leniency – and by extension the _monumental headache _that legal is going to give me for this, I'm going to need a _complete _report on your activities for the last ten thousand years-,"

**Ten thousand one hun-**

"Yes, yes, _that long!_" The White fairy snapped, interrupting the tri-colored Magical girl's typing, "Get that to me by tomorrow and I promise to smooth things over for you at HQ, deal?" the White fairy extended a hand to shake without thinking, and in her grateful haste to accept, Magical Neo _might _have accidentally swatted her to the floor. Blushing beat-red, she then raised her parasol, closed it, and abruptly shattered in to a thousand pieces – a method of escape that is in _no way _an obtuse visual metaphor for the state of her psyche after more than ten-thousand years of being a fourteen year old girl.

"Owww…."

"Are-," The Red fairy cracked up, "Are you _okay?_"

"Yes, _Dolt!_" The White fairy spat as she peeled herself from the floor, "Glad to see that you're concerned…"

"Oh come on! That was funny!"

"Slapstick is the _lowest _form of comedy!"

"I thought that was pop-culture references…"

"Whatever! None of that matters! Because this time tomorrow, MAMI forces will be combing the city to find the last loose third-gen Magical Girl-,"

"But you promised her that-," Our Heroine started to object, motivated solely by her stainless sense of honor and not _at all _because she thought Magical Neo was pretty or anything… Pervert…

"Relax," the White fairy rolled her eyes, "If she gets me that report by tomorrow, I _will – _but that would simply be _completely and utterly-_,"

**Done.**

"Oh Dust-Dammit!"

**Has Our adorable Heroine just found a new ally? Will Magical Neo ever get her app fixed – or is this just an excuse to cover up the fact that she is in fact a psychotic time-traveling pervert?! And furthermore, why, **_**specifically, **_**did she allegedly travel into the future to recruit an army of **_**bisexual **_**Espers? Is that even relevant? These questions and more may or may not be answered on the next exciting chapter of Magical Girl Glitter Glynda-Chan! **

**P.S. The writer wishes it to be known that he thanks Merikflame and Elfcollaborator for the concept of Mutt Yandere Neo – Because Mute Neo is indeed Best Neo..**


End file.

RWBY, Adventure, Parody