Castle huc venit ad mortuus corpus

**for bean and berkie and lucy,**

**some people have no idea what they are missing out on**

_"here comes the corpse"_

**A/N: Honestly, I have no idea what I am doing with my life**

As he ran down the busy high street of New York City, sticking his hand out, flailing it about, trying to hail down the nearest cab, the wind billowed through his ever thinning hair and made his eyes water.

This was not the first time his eyes had watered today.

Already running late, his cab driver barely understood his monotonous, nasal voice as he recited the address as he had practiced a thousand times before his mirror just this morning, after telling himself he could do what he had to today. A sudden change of plan meant that he had to get a cab to the collection point. The bride and groom had ordered luxury buses for everything after having to move the wedding to The Hamptons.

The driver finally put his foot down, and Perlmutter relaxed in the back seat. He wiped the glaze of sweat from his forehead and smoothed down the wisps of hair that had escaped the tons of gel he smothered on the top of his head this morning. He wanted to look good but he had spent so much time on his appearance that he was late. Late and good were not words that belonged in the same sentence.

This time yesterday he was eating his lunch off of one the tables in the morgue, flicking through this month's issue of Forensic Magazine, and ignoring the remarks of the ruggedly handsome and irresistibly annoying Richard Castle. But now? Now, he was on the way to this man's wedding. He was marrying the prestigious Detective Beckett, a woman he had worked with and watched grow over the years. He was there when she joined the precinct and when she solved her first case as a Detective. He was a sarcastic and cynical onlooker but also an admirer of sorts. He admired her determination and her passion for her work. His love for the macabre didn't have anything on her love for justice. But her love for Mr Rick Castle didn't have anything on his.

He didn't want to ruin their beautiful day but sitting on the sidelines had become boring. He had watched the spark ignite and he monitored its slow burn into this explosion of passion. But at the same time, he did want to ruin it. Five years of being admittedly (to himself) and irrevocably in love with Richard Castle. He had to say something. Before it was too late and his lost this man forever.

Of course, his attempts would be futile. Richard Castle and Kate Beckett loved each other on the highest level. She was his muse and no-one could _ever _replace her. But Perlmutter, as he fixed his tie and smoothed out the lapels of jacket, was going to try his best to do just that. On her wedding day.

* * *

People were still arriving when Perlmutter's bus pulled into the parking lot of their luxurious Hamptons home. He could see detectives Ryan and Esposito fixing each other's ties, Espo wiping a speck of dust from Ryan's shoulder and then pulling him into what he would call a "bro hug". _Emotional already, _he thought, _pathetic. The time for emotions will come later._ He was shocked by the sincerity and borderline evil villain tone of his sub-conscious. He shook it off. He straightened his jacket and smiled; the irony of such a simple action amused him.

The hum of the bus' engine faded behind as he made his way, his walk laced with confidence, to the doors of the venue. The overwhelming scent of exotic flowers consumed him as he neared the doorway. He saw Dr Parish approaching him and quickened his pace. A flash of emerald and he was stopped in his tracks, barging into Lanie.

"Oh! Dr Parish, I-I didn't seen you there! I was just heading int-"

"Shut it, Perlmutter. All I wanna know is if you're going to be _nice _today?"

Her voice was sharp and sincere but glazed over with the excitement about her best friend's wedding day. She was nervous and ecstatic at the same time. She stared through him as she spoke, making eyes at Javier and fiddling with the hem of her dress.

"Of course I'm going to be nice. When am I _ever_ anything else?"

His tone was sickly sweet and lavished with satire. He smirked and made his way towards the rows and rows of pristine white chairs. Who even knows 297 people? Who invites 297 people to their wedding?!

Of course, the ridiculously adorable Richard Castle does.

He could wait to see his- the groom standing there with his guard let down; his heart working double time; beads of sweat forming on his forehead. Nothing could be cuter than an excited Richard Castle.

Perlmutter made his way to the second row from the front, taking a seat on Kate's side. Little did she know, he was playing for the other side. Today was full of irony.

He twiddled thumbs, frequently pausing his persistent fidgeting to fix his tie. And every time he did so, it looks no different from the last. He wriggled in his seat, the nerves getting to him now. _Why am I nervous? It's not my wedding_, he thought. But that was just it. It wasn't his wedding.

Perlmutter checked his watch. Twenty minutes until go time. He still had time to get a couple of drinks in him. He rose from his seat and walked towards the open bar. _Thank god he's _rich, he thought. Shuffling along, he sidled up to the counter and ordered two vodka sodas. He didn't usually drink but he thought he needed a little "Dutch courage" for the events that would ensue. The drink pinched his throat and his face contorted; the burning liquid soothed the intensifying pull of muscles in his forehead as he became more and more tense leading up to the actual ceremony. His fixed his jacket and tie once more and moved back towards the rows and rows of white chairs.

As it was rare for him to drink, the effects of his order hit him instantly. The light weight dragged his unresponsive feet back towards his chair, ignoring the buzz of people around him. He could see his seat. It was so far away from his sloth like body, moving so slowly as if he was being dragged through honey.

"Sidney!"

The pathologist grunted in surprise at the sound of hearing his first name called out at a wedding his was about to ruin. He didn't know people even acknowledged his first name. Only his mother used it.

He swung round, hands in his pockets and his drooping at the sight of Victoria "iron" Gates.

"Ah," he hiccupped, "G'day Cap'n."

"Dr Perlmutter, are you drunk?" She was both inquisitive and amused. She had never seen this side of her M.D. He was usually sour and sober.

"I think tipsy is what the kids are calling it now,sir!"

He clumsily saluted her and made his way to his row, clambering over other guests shouting "sorry" and "excuse me" obnoxiously as he did so. Before taking his seat, he took a deep breath, fixed his jacket and his tie and smoothing down what little hair he had left. _Here we go._

* * *

The typical "Here Comes the Bride" began to play and Perlmutter's heart rate increased rapidly. At this rate, his cause of death would be a heart attack. _Deep breaths, deep breaths. _This was his internal mantra every day before work. Today was just another day the office, except this office was the Hamptons and today's work was ruining a wedding. Would he regret this? Probably. But he had to go through with it. He had promised himself he would.

He, along with the 296 other people, plus the band, the minister and journalists, watched the detective glide down the aisle with her father at her side. His eyes glistened with tears; the dress was beautiful. And of course, he supposed, Kate was too. But the anticipation ran high as he awaited the minister's word.

At the front stood Richard Castle: Dapper and Debonair as usual. Both with capital Ds. Sidney didn't call him Dick Castle for nothing. He kept his eyes forward: staring at the minister. He took superstition seriously and Perlmutter couldn't help but laugh to himself at the child that still resided in Castle.

The next parts of the ceremony whizzed by, the words merging into an incongruous mess. His ears pricked up at the droning sound of the ministers voice echoing the words:

"Speak now or forever hold your peace."

The silence was heavy and deafening. The pathologist's body turned as rigid as the bodies kept in his morgue. _I. Can. Do this._

"Alright then, no objections today! That'll be one thing that hasn't prevented your marria-"

"I-I I object!"

Perlmutter's usual sour tone has disappeared.

"This isn't a court of law, Perlmutter." Shouted Esposito, getting a few laughs from other guests.

"I mean, I do!"

"You're not getting married either, buddy," called LT from behind him. Even the Kate and Rick were laughing now.

Perlmutter sighed and considered telling them that it didn't matter and sitting back down.

_No! You promised yourself, Sidney. _

His thoughts were right, of course. He had promised himself he would do this. He just didn't expect it to be so funny for everyone else and to top it off, in the middle of his thought train he blurted out:

"I AM IN LOVE WITH THE BEST SELLING, AND RUGGEDLY HANDSOME, NOVELIST THAT STANDS BEFORE US TODAY: RICHARD CASTLE."

The guests had very different reactions. There was a wave of gasps, Lanie fainted and Esposito high fived LT as Ryan opened his wallet and gave the other detective twenty dollars. Martha looked confused and nudged Alexis, asking who Perlmutter was, and the bride and groom looked at each other in bemusement as Rick cleared his throat.

"What an interesting revelation! The sour and cynical pathologist, secretly in love with his detective's soon to be husband. I'll be sure to credit you in my next book because unfortunately, the feeling is not mutual, Perlmutter. Do enjoy the reception though!"

Perlmutter sat back down in his seat and Gates, who he had not noticed was sat next to him the whole time, gave him a sympathetic look.

"I'll buy you drink after this."

"Thank you," he whispered, fixing his tie and jacket one last time and hanging his head in embarrassment.

**A/N 2: I am thinking of doing a series of Perlmutter AUs. You know, for fun. Let me know what you think/would like to see?**


End file.

Castle, Parody, Romance