Teen Titans Damage Control

**Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans, and if you dispute that, I'm going to bring you on my talk show and speak over you until the stupidity of my words beats you into submission like a dick made out of gunpowder. **

Robin cleared his throat for the fifteenth time since he clipped his mic on. His throat had been cleared so much, it was starting to feel like sandpaper lubricated with pocket knives. This was not his environment.

This room was stuffy and sterile, uncomfortable. The room where he was set to join Gail Frost on her hit Wolf News show, The Frost Factor. He was going to appear in front of not just the people of Jump City, but a national- and with the Internet, soon to be international- audience, explaining to them why the recent rumors-

Oh, my apology. I'm getting ahead of myself here. Let's go to the beginning.

()()()

_Raven walked into Titans Tower one morning with a gossip rag in her hand, clenched. She didn't look angry, but the exploding stove in the kitchen gave it away._

"_What's going on, Raven?" Beastboy asked from the couch where he and Cyborg were playing a rousing game of Two-Player Minecraft, made for people who don't want to die of boredom alone. "Did Helena-Bent For Leather run out of your favorite electrical tape bras again?"_

"_Look at this bullshit," Raven growled and tossed the paper at the general direction of the couch. Beastboy picked it up. A picture of Raven and Starfire exiting a nightclub in each other's arms was on the front page, the words "SPACE LESBO, or: How Raven Learned to Stop Worrying And Bury Her Face In Tangelo Gash." _

"_Haha, wow," Cyborg said over Beastboy's shoulder, "that's almost as fucked up as that headline last week on the same magazine, talkin' about 'Rivers family brings a lawsuit to Joan's witchdoctor for botching third annual human sacrifice.'"_

"_Shit!" Raven said. "What are we going to do?! Starfire went out to get groceries just a few minutes ago, she-"_

"_RAVEN!" The scream of Starfire gave away her arrival three seconds before it occurred. "Raven, look!" She flew right up to her girlfriend of three days and shoved her own copy of the magazine right into her face like she didn't already know about it. _

"_I'm sorry, Starfire," said Raven. "I've already seen it. I'm sorry."_

"_Raven… this is the body of another Tameranian!"_

_Raven looked at Starfire like her skin had just turned orange. Oh, wait, shit, it's already orange. Let me try another one. Raven looked at Starfire like her teeth just ripped out of her gums on the ends of black tentacles. "What… what are…?"_

"_Raven, they've somehow flattened a member of my people and-"_

"_Oh, my God," said Beastboy, who was already back to focusing on the stupid game he was playing, "you still don't understand photographs? What the hell have you been doing this whole time you've lived on earth?"_

"_Helping the Teen Titans in beating up thieves and monsters." _

"…_Oh, yeah. Sorry."_

"_Anyway, Starfire," said Raven, "what's going on is someone took a picture of us leaving a club a few nights ago, and now everyone thinks we're in a relationship. Hence, the words on this page calling you a lesbian."_

"_What is a lesbian?"_

_Beastboy jumped up from the couch, prompting Cyborg to roll his eyes and pause the game. "I'm glad you asked, for you see, I've done extensive research on the subject in my 'lab,' and if you'd like to come-"_

_Raven grabbed Beastboy's mouth like a pissed off mother trying to listen to a phone call and a screaming child at the same time. "Go back to your game, Beastboy." _

"_But-"_

"_NOW!"_

_On the other side of the room, the TV was consumed by black energy. And no, I don't mean the hot hardcore punk stylings of D.C. band the Bad Brains. Cyborg screamed and shielded his eyes just before the TV exploded, spraying glass shrapnel across that entire half of the room. _

"…_Fuck," said Raven._

"_I think someone's going to get in some trouble when Robin gets back," said Beastboy. "You'd better hope Robin's Playgirl shoot got him enough money to buy another really big TV."_

_Raven was surprised at how easily she kept it under control. The shame of having lost it hard enough to destroy the TV must have outweighed her irritation at Beastboy's antics. "Starfire, let's continue this conversation in private, okay?"_

"_Okay, friend Raven," said Starfire in her typical cheerful manner. Raven felt like grabbing her by her dumb, orange shoulders and shaking her. This was a massive violation of their privacy and a complete misrepresentation of what was going on, and she was acting like they were in the middle of throwing a goddamn surprise party! Well, they were. They were throwing a surprise party for the birth of Robin's bitterness woven from his newly crushed hopes and dreams. _

"_Starfire," said Raven, "a lesbian is a woman who enters romantic and sexual relationships with other women."_

"_Ohh," said Starfire, "so the usual woman, yes?"_

"…_What."_

"_Well, if earth women are anything like Tameranian women," explained Starfire, "they are mostly what you call lesbian, as I am."_

_Raven felt like someone just confirmed that everything she knew about her own life was just a result of the psychotic diary ramblings of a jar of peanut butter in a strait jacket. In other words, Starfire basically just dropped an anvil on Raven's perception of the orange-skinned alien. I keep bringing up Starfire's skin color because I'm hoping one day to create a fanfic where Starfire falls in love with House Speaker John Boehner._

"_So… you're into girls?"_

"'_Into?' Like, within their digestive system?"_

_Raven nearly slapped her forehead so hard her brains rocketed out of her ears. If Starfire were any more oblivious about slang here on earth, she'd be a congressman. "Starfire, come on. People who are so brain-damaged and deformed they have to tuck their tongue up into their nasal cavity to make words know what I mean when I say 'into.' You are attracted to other girls."_

"_Yes," Starfire said, nodding for emphasis. _

"_Then why have you been dating Robin for months?"_

_Starfire couldn't have looked more confused if a question mark appeared above her head and called her a fucking idiot. "Robin is… not a woman?"_

"_Wow! Holy shit!" Beastboy exclaimed, totally blowing his eavesdropping cover in the process. "This just keeps delivering!"_

_Raven's face clenched with rage, looking like she had a drain just under her nose that was sucking all of her skin inside of her head. She lifted a hand toward the green hero and levitated him to the ceiling with near-serious force. "OWW!"_

"_What the hell is the matter with you?!" Raven screamed. Somewhere downstairs, a couch exploded with a robot sitting on it. "Can't you understand the idea of a private conversation?!"_

"_About as well as Starfire understands the concept of a penis," said Beastboy. "I know you and Robin have screwed, Starfire, so you've probably seen his cock at one point. Do you really not know that females on his planet have vaginas?!"_

"_Robin and I have had sex?" Starfire said slowly. "Where did you hear about this? Because this is, erm, how you say, news to me."_

_Beastboy and Raven both stared at Starfire like her ears just spewed a swarm of scorpions all over the floor. They then looked at each other with the same look. Beastboy fell to the ground as Raven lost the concentration necessary to keep him up there, but he just got right back up and continued eyeing Starfire with the same expression. _

"_So… Robin lied to me?" Beastboy said through a voice hoarse enough to sharpen a knife against. Starfire nodded solemnly. Raven started to chuckle. Beastboy took his look of shock to her. "Raven! Are you laughing?!"_

_Raven's chuckle turned into a laugh right as Beastboy finished saying that, and it really sounded demented. Like, if her laugh were a person, it would be Yami Marik. "This is the best!" She managed to choke out after a way, way too long period of just solidly laughing in a doubled over position. "This is funnier than anything!"_

_Cyborg came running down the hall. "I don't know who the jackass was that made Raven laugh, but congratulations, you just set the entire second floor on fire!" _

"_Hahaa." Raven's laughing fit eventually calmed down and she looked at the other three gathered Titans, suddenly feeling very guilty. "Sorry. I lost control."_

"_No shit," replied Beastboy. "I haven't seen someone lose control that hard since the time I watched that NASCAR crash reel."_

"_Why would you watch that?" Cyborg asked. _

"_Oh, I don't know," replied Beastboy, "why would anyone- especially a 14-year-old boy- want to watch videos of epic car crashes? I mean, jeez, it's almost as if watching huge pieces of metal flip over and catch fire is badass. It boggles the mind."_

"…_Let's just get out of Titan's Tower and talk about this somewhere secluded before I strangle the sarcasm out of you."_

_With that, Cyborg led the other titans to the front door. But their progress was impeded by a robin. But not just any robin: THE Robin._

"_Where do all you guys think you're going?" asked Robin in a deadly voice. _

"_We almost destroyed Titans Tower," Raven said, "because what is happening right now is so totally screwed up it nearly caused me to set it completely on fire. If you'd like to come with us to talk about it, you should, because you, uh, factor in hugely, to say the least."_

"_Oh," Robin said, "I already know." He pulled the rolled-up gossip magazine out of his tight ass pocket. No, not THAT ass pocket. Jeez, I know some people like to use magazines as toilet paper, but don't put the cart before the horse here. "We have a loooot to talk about, Raven and Starfire."_

_Beastboy couldn't even look Robin in the eyes, but he still felt a need to speak up. "Why did you lie?"_

"_Lie about what, Beastboy?" Robin asked. _

"_Lie about you and Starfire… you know… boning?"_

"_We did!" Robin snapped. "We've had sex!"_

"_Robin," Starfire said calmly, "we have not."_

"_I put my penis in your vagina! Either everything Batman taught me in my home-school sex ed was wrong, and I'll fight you for even insinuating that, or you're a dirty liar!"_

"_You are the liar, Robin!" Starfire insisted. "What we have done is not sex because you have yet to penetrate my- erm… my pafla-buk."_

"_Oh, okay," Robin said with a shrug of his shoulders, "so we haven't really had what your people consider 'sex,' which would have been awful nice to know earlier, when we weren't talking about it in front of all our teammates."_

"_Robin, you are the one who told Beastboy about your penetration of my fecal chute!"_

"_What?!" Cyborg yelled out, unable to stop himself with the awkwardness so heavy and thick in the air like the others were. "Robin, I never would have pegged you for a butt guy!"_

"_I'm not! I used her vagina, I've been using it this whole fucking time!"_

"_She doesn't have one, you idiot full of lies!" Beastboy cried. "She just told us she has a penis! Starfire, demonstrate!"_

"_What?!" Starfire screamed. "No, I will not! You show him your penis!"_

"_I'm- what- Starfire!"_

"_I've seen Starfire nude enough to know she doesn't have a penis," said Robin. "If you don't want to believe me, Beastboy, that's your problem."_

"_Robin is right," said Starfire before Beastboy could jump in with any further objections. "We have seen each other unclothed. Robin has what is called a 'penis' just like I do. It is located between what are called his 'buttcheeks,' just as mine is."_

_The rest of the Titans stared at Starfire like she just called the human anus a penis, which is very fitting, because that's exactly what she just did. _

"_I want to get all of this straight in my head," Beastboy said. "You're a lesbian, Starfire, but the women on your planet have what we call penises, even though what you call a penis is what we call an asshole."_

"…_Women on my planet, Tameran, have the thing between their buttocks that your people apparently call the 'asshole,' yes."_

"_Oh. Well, good for you, then!"_

"_STARFIRE," Robin shrieked. "I demand a coherent fucking explanation!"_

_Starfire closed most of the distance between herself and Robin, intent on clearing any misunderstandings between the two of them regarding what Robin has been putting his penis in for the last several months. "Look," she said like she was talking to the world's most dirty kindergartener, "I know not of this 'vegeta' you keep referring to, but you have been using the same hole I expel waste from to get your gratification."_

"_And you neglected to tell me this… why?"_

"_Because, Robin, in my culture a woman has to save herself for what you might call a 'marriage' on this planet."_

"_This is getting so fucked," said Beastboy. "It's like the more things change, the more they stay the same."_

"_Okay, we've now established that Starfire needs to take a Biology course and I need many, many years of therapy," sighed Robin. Yes, he did that whole thing in one sigh. He's a talented son of a bitch. Why, he can hold almost as much in his lungs as Starfire can hold in her "penis." "We need to discuss what you were doing with Raven on the night this picture was taken."_

"_Robin, I do not remember," said Starfire carefully. "I had a large quantity of your earth beers and forgot much of what occurred after that."_

"_You drank?" Robin said with only slight surprise in his voice. "Or, did you pour it up some other hole of yours I'm not familiar with?"_

"_No, Robin. The same hole you've always seen me eat with."_

"_Good. So, you get drunk one night and all of a sudden you're Raven's whore, is that right?"_

"_That's uncalled for, Robin," said Raven in a dark yet reserved tone. "She and I both made a mistake. We don't even know if we were hugging in his picture because we were into each other or not."_

"_You were nearly literally into each other," said Robin. "It's a wonder you both aren't still stuck together, that's how close you are in this picture. Do you really expect me to believe you two didn't screw that night?! I bet you fucked so hard, scientists could legally classify it as an earthquake!"_

"_It's not like that!" Starfire said defensively. "What can we do to convince you that you're wrong?!"_

"_You don't even know whether you screwed or not, how are you going to say with any confidence that you didn't?!"_

"_Erm, if you're all done…"_

_An unfamiliar voice startled the Teen Titans. At their door was a woman in a conservative pants-suit who had a notepad and pen in her hands. "I-I was wondering if any of you could maybe do an interview about the recent lesbian allegations?"_

"_No!" said four of the Titans. But Robin had different ideas. "You know what, Starfire would be glad to."_

"_Robin, that is factually untrue. I do not wish to talk to talk about this incident with you anymore, much less this complete stranger-"_

"_What's that, Starfire?" Robin asked facetiously while tilting his head toward Starfire. "You want to be kicked out of the Teen Titans? Why would you want that?!"_

"_ROBIN!" Cyborg yelled. "That's going way too far, man!"_

"_So is everything about this, damn it! Can you name one time we've ever had paparazzi come to our Tower before this shit got started?!"_

_Cyborg scratched his head, which resulted in a sound not entirely unlike a piece of metal being scrapped against a chalkboard. A spark came out of the friction between Cyborg's metal fingers and his head, hitting Beastboy's leotard and setting it on fire. The journalist, at this point, already had enough written down to write three different stories, all casting the Titans in a buffoonish light._

"_Listen," Robin said loudly to the journalist over the sound of Beastboy screaming and rolling around on the floor as the other three Titans stomped him out in the background, "can you forget everything that's happening right now? Like, can you do that think where this is all totally off the record?"_

"_I'm afraid not, sir," remarked the journalist in a tone that was trying to be sympathetic but couldn't help betraying her sheer joy at the spectacle she was seeing. You know, I accidentally misspelled "joy" as "joey" back there when I first typed it, so now you can go ahead and start hearing everything this woman says in a Brooklyn accent now. I won't stop you. "But there is one thing you can do…"_

()()()

"SIR!"

Robin was startled out of the trance-like state by a producer. "Yeah?"

"Could you please quit being an idiot in our studio?!"

"Well, excuse me, princess! You should be happy I'm even doing this- the Teen Titans never do interviews!"

The producer rolled his eyes. "Look, you've been standing up and unconscious for ten minutes straight because you were having a damn flashback!"

Robin blushed. He knew the producer was right, but was still in an argumentative mood. "How do you even know it was a damn flashback?!"

"You muttered 'flashback' over and over, each time slower, lower and softer, like you were trying to make a faux echo effect."

"Wow," said Robin. "That's embarrassing. Can you prevent me from doing that during the interview?"

I make no promises, but anyway, you're on in thirty seconds! Get your head in the game!"

Robin growled. This was such an ass-pain. But it was either this or that lady who visited the tower was going to leak every single thing she saw at the Tower. The interview was going to be about his now ex-girlfriend and her maybe-maybe not girlfriend. He'd never seen the Frost Factor in his life, or even heard about it because of all his business with crime-fighting, but he believed in the institution of journalism and the impartiality of his interviewer was not something that he held questionable until-

"SAY!" This time it was a woman's scratchy voice screaming directly into his ear. "Can you hear me?!"

"Yes." Robin said. "Sorry. Am I on the air?"

"Yes."

"Shi-oot," said Robin. The interview was already going great, he thought bitterly to himself, what with almost saying a curse word live on the air.

"Robin, first of all, I want to thank you just for being on the show," Frost said, and through the moniter Robin could see that she was smiling. "It's an honor to be the first show to feature an interview with one of the Teen Titans."

"Aww, shucks," giggled a nervous Robin, "I'm just here because I'm being blackmailed." He saw Frost's smile falter at that, but not disappear entirely. He just couldn't help his honesty.

"Right, then. First question."

Robin shuddered at the sudden cold tone Frost's voice took. Hey, get it, because her last name is "Frost" and her tone got "cold" and fucking I don't have to impress you. "First question: What is it like sharing a Tower with the girl who dumped you for another girl?"

The Boy Wonder felt like a statue of Frost's fist carved out of arsenic just flew right down his mouth and to his stomach, burning it and freezing it somehow at the exact same time. The fact that this was on live TV was not weakening its presence in his mind, in spite of his outrage.

"Well, uh…" Robin said, not recognizing the hoarse voice that passed through his lips. "I believe that a strong national economy and a-"

"Stop, stop, stop," Frost interrupted. "You're avoiding the question, even though I do agree that a strong national economy. What is it like to know that your ex-girlfriend is muff-diving because your genitals were so repellant to her?"

Robin's mask was starting to loosen on his face because of the sweat pouring down it. He cleared his throat, and then cleared his throat. "I- gee, uh… never really thought of it like that. I think, when it comes to- I mean, I am the leader. And I believe I can pull my team through this."

"Uh-huh," said Frost. "So, I take it you didn't get your position as leader of the Teen Titans through charisma?"

"Well, I sort of fell into it-"

"Because, quite frankly, my ex-husband's arms had more charisma than you while they were throwing drunk punches at my face. I've never seen someone fail at speaking so hard since we got that 8-year-old boy with tourette's to do an imitation of the 'happy birthday Roseanne' kid."

"…Okay."

"'Okay?' God. Let's move on. So, now that we've established that your penis would lose a battle to demon clitoris, what are you going to do to diffuse the tension within your ranks now that you've lesbianized an alien with your bad game?"

"Wait, wait," Robin blurted out, holding up both of his hands defensively. "Why are you attacking me so much?"

"You've… never seen my show, have you?"

"No. Cyborg and Beastboy have control of the TV most of the time. I mean, I have a personal TV in my room, but I like the gym."

"Oh, okay. So you have no game with women because you're too busy trying to emulate Paul Ryan, who is a great representative and a great man."

Robin was becoming acutely aware of how out of hand this interview was getting. They were now comparing Robin to Paul Ryan, and Robin said the thing he always swore to himself he would say if an interviewer compared him to Paul Ryan:

"Why do you hate me?"

"'Why do you hate me?'" Frost repeated in a sniveling imitation of Robin's voice. "If you whined any more in this interview, I'd need fancy cheeses to go along with you."

"…What?"

"Oh. I forgot, you're not old enough to drink. Anyway, you bitch like a woman, and as a woman I can say that and get away with it. Let's continue with this interview, yeah?"

Robin and Frost had a stare-off, which looked really awkward to viewers at home because it was just two people side by side staring directly at the viewer through the television. Imagine Robin and an old Republican woman watching you with intense rage through your television. You'd either be freaked out or you have a fetish for that sort of thing. There's probably someone out there who does, so don't worry, you aren't as lonely as you deserve to be.

"Fine. Let's continue."

"Very good. Now, since two of your teammates are sinful lesbians, do you think that God is going to stop blessing your team and instead smite you with sores and darkness?"

"Oh, my God, you aren't even facetiously asking me that question, are you?"

Frost folded her arms and did the same smirk that was in all of the promos for her terrible show. "Answer the question instead of avoiding it, Spandex Wonder."

"Well," Robin sighed, "I'm not all that worried about God smiting us because I think he's too busy trying to make the face of Jesus out of your face wrinkles, you ancient woman."

Frost's eyes bugged out. She looked like Professor Umbridge being fucked to death by a centaur, only less graceful. "How dare you, on my own show! You little porcupine-headed fruitcake! If I had a dime for every penis you didn't have, I'd have one dime!"

"Oh, very clever," remarked Robin. "Let me know who writes your material so I can see what a person looks like with a mouth full of their own penis."

"If you're looking for that , I'd be happy to give you a mirror, fag!"

At that point, the show was forcibly cut to commercial. A producer approached Robin, furious.

"What the fuck is the matter with you?!" the man screamed. Robin answered with his bo staff right into the man's gut, and then left by jumping through a nearby window and grappling-hooking away before security could get to him to force him out of the building.

()()()

Robin got back to the tower in the middle of the night. The only one still awake was Beastboy, who was occupying the couch and a game of Spaghetti Kart.

"So, how did the interview go?" Beastboy asked.

Robin wiped some sweat off his brow, wiped it on the couch, then sat down on the couch. "It went pretty well, I guess."

"I'm only asking as a formality, I know how it went," Beastboy said. "I guess you're that woman's bitch now."

"Damn it!" Robin exclaimed and stood up, beginning a long session of pacing. "I don't know what happened, Beastboy, I just lost control of that entire situation!"

"We were all watching, too," said Beastboy. "The other Titans haven't decided whether they hate you or the host more, but for what it's worth, I'm leaning toward the host."

"Thanks," Robin said gruffly, not really letting the compliment sink in. "I guess that interview created more problems than it solved. What happened after they cut me off?"

"Well, there was a tampon commercial."

"Okay."

"Then there was a mayonnaise commercial."

"Sure."

"Then there were two more tampon commercials."

"Okay, enough about the commercials. What happened when the show itself came back on?"

Beastboy put the controller down, having just lost, and put his hands behind his head, relaxing and staring up at the ceiling. "Well, when it came back on, there was a different host. He just said Frost had to deal with an 'emergency' and he was taking over for a few nights. Then it started getting really boring, so we all turned it off."

"We need to keep an eye on the reaction to this," said Robin. "If word gets out that an old woman made fun of my penis-"

"Robin, that was broadcasted to millions of people. I'm pretty sure the reason we haven't gotten a Crime Alert all day is because all of the super villains in the city were laughing about the interview you just did."

"Son of a bitch. Okay, so what are your ideas?"

Beastboy got up and stretched. "It's not really my problem. But if you want to do something about it, uhh…"

"Try a press conference."

Robin and Beastboy turned to the doorway across the room, where Raven was standing with her arms crossed. "At this point, Robin, you're a giant walking target for homophobic slurs and all the villains we fight are going to be too easy to subdue because they'll burst out laughing the second they see you. This press conference idea is your last chance to regain your lost dignity."

"Oh, that's a good idea, make me answer questions in public again," Robin said bitterly. "We all saw how well that worked out last time-"

BOOM! A window not far from Robin's right side shattered. Raven's expression didn't change, but the glow around her was a dead give-away as to the culprit. "You will do the conference. You will tell the world that Starfire and I are not a couple. You will sleep that night without the remnants of that entire pane of glass resting inside your dickhole. Sound okay to you?"

"Yeah, fine," Robin said really fast. He felt Beastboy behind him, nursing a fear erection. What scared Robin about that was it didn't even bother him as badly as the glass exploding.

Raven left the room and the two men loosened up. Beastboy walked over to the refrigerator for a sports drink. "You're fucked, dude," he said after a sip.

"I know," Robin admitted. "Listen, if I botch this conference up, I want you and the other three Titans to have an honest meeting over who's going to get the position as team leader. Because I won't be sticking around to bring shame to us anymore."

Beastboy would have spit out any sports drink in his mouth if it were in there. "Don't you think that's being a little drastic, dude?!"

"You don't know what that was like, Beastboy," Robin responded coldly, and left the kitchen before Beastboy had the chance to change his mind.

()()()

"Alright, before the conference starts," said Raven, "I want to lay out a few ground rules."

A small set of bleachers was placed in front of Titans Tower, facing it. Right in front of the doorway, blocking it, was a makeshift stage Cyborg spent part of the night making. They borrowed the podium from the mayor, and the rest, as they say, is more boring bullshit detail I don't think you need to be regaled with.

"Rule one: Do not make direct reference to Robin's genitals. For example, 'your penis couldn't satisfy a virgin Cheerio.'"

With that rule put in place, half of the journalists got in their cars and left. Or, to be precise, they drove their cars into the water and were never heard from again. And yet, the Titans still can't figure out how anyone can get to and from the Tower when there's not a camera on them.

"Rule two: You can't ask Robin questions that are just thinly-veiled insults. For example, 'you lost your girlfriend to a woman who can't smile without awakening a Kraken on the other side of the planet.'"

One of the reporters on the highest aisle of the bleachers raised his hand. Raven acknowledged him with a slight nod. "So, what's your number?"

"I will kill you. I swear it."

"I was asking Robin!"

"…I'm Raven."

"Damn! My wife always said I was premature in everything I did!"

Everyone else in the vicinity stared at him open-mouthed for the amount of time it took until he realized what the fuck just came out of his mouth. Then he quietly got up, left the bleachers, got on his bike, and cycled directly into the water. He, too, was never seen again.

"Let's move on," said Raven quickly. "The third and final rule, no one can have more than one question and a follow-up. Clear?"

The remaining journalists nodded. They were more than filled on their stupid shit quota and Robin hasn't even shown up yet.

Robin eventually showed up yet, wearing his same outfit but with a red tie over it. Raven put her hand over the mic, resulting in a shrill, piercing feedback, so she resorted to magicking a force field around the microphone so it wouldn't pick up her and Robin's conversation.

"You sure you're ready?" asked Raven.

"I was born ready… then I became unready after my parents died, Batman adopted me, and I lost much of my ability to talk to strangers about anything other than crime fighting… but now I'm ready again, thanks to Beastboy and Cyborg's rigorous training!"

"Why are you wearing a tie over your regular clothes?"

"Regular?"

Raven sighed. "The outfit that's regular for you. What you usually wear. Why are you wearing a tie?"

"Beastboy said it would make the press people take me more seriously."

"Beastboy has the fashion sense of a flamboyant African parrot. He's literally never worn a different set of clothes in his entire life."

Robin shrugged. "I'm willing to take anyone's advice about anything at this point."

"Just take the tie off and communicate!"

"Okay…"

One of the press people stood up. "Are you guys having an affair? Because we have cameras and we just caught it if you did!"

Raven, whose face would have been red were it not for her naturally gray skin pigmentation hiding embarrassment too well, glowed black with anger. "NO! We are not!"

"…Can we print that you are anyway?"

Raven took the talking culprit and launched him into the water with her powers. The rest of the journalists cowered in fear. They might have been willing to make gossip about the Titans' dating lives in the comfort of their own workplace, but this was Titans Tower. And the first rule of Titans Tower: you don't imply that Raven is having an affair with Robin. An oddly specific first rule, yes, but one that is enforced by any means necessary.

"Let's get this started," Raven growled. She stepped away from the mics and let Robin take over. Once again, Robin broke out in a sweat. This felt just like last time.

"Right. Well," Robin cleared his throat, which is deaf-speak for "I'm thinking right now," and greeted the reporters. "Good afternoon, everyone. As you may or may not know, I am Robin of the Teen Titans, and recently a Wolf News host made fun of my genitals. This was very hurtful, and most of what she said wasn't even true, or biologically possible. The intention of this press conference is to use candid honesty to dispel some of these myths about my penis, which will, in turn, harden my team's resolve to pursue the common good."

One of the reporters raised their hand. It was a bearded, burly man who was obviously Mammoth wearing a fake beard made out of cat pubes. For the sake of the story, let's pretend that the Titans are stupid enough to fall for such a bad disguiahahahaha okay they actually are stupid enough to fall for that.

"Yes, Mr., uh…" Robin squinted to read Mammoth's fake name badge, and somehow his mask reflected this, even though mask technology should not be that developed even in the Teen Titans universe. "Max Ammoth?"

Mammoth nodded. Indeed, Robin was stupid.

"What's your question?"

"You said this press conference is going to harden your team's resolve. Will it also harden something in your pants?"

Robin looked thoughtful and he was ready to answer until Raven intervened. "That is an inappropriate question and I will have to ask you to leave."

Mammoth left, having completed the Hive Five's dastardly plan of making a penis joke at Robin's press conference. Still a more devastating blow to the enemy team than any other thing the Hive Five has ever done.

"Next question," Robin said.

A reporter raised her hand. It was Kitten, and Raven started to realize that everyone in the entire press corps was somebody they'd fought at one point or another. The only people she didn't recognize were the people that left before the conference even started. Once again, Raven intervened. "Listen, Robin, my Titan, uh, crime detector device has told me we have an emergency situation in the city that-"

"I have one of those too, and it didn't do anything," said Robin. "Raven, I'm starting to believe you don't have any faith in me."

"It's not that I don't, it's just…" Raven decided to just tell the truth. "I think the odds are stacked against you. There are people in that set of bleachers who we've fought before. Like the girl who just raised her hand! She's Kitten, remember her?"

Robin looked at Kitten's name tag. "Raven, her name is Katie Itten. You obviously have dyslexia."

"Fuck no, I don't!"

A window on the top floor of the tower shattered from the outside with Raven's outburst. No one noticed as the glass sprinkled down behind the tower. "Raven, I promise it'll be fine. Just let me handle this."

Raven literally threw up her hands- not "threw up" like "regurgitated," you get the idea- and gave up, walking into the tower to wait this bullshit out with Starfire, Cyborg and Beastboy. Robin cleared his throat, the official calling card of someone who's waiting for a train full of "not stupid" to pull up to their brain and drop off a few thinks.

"Yes, Katie Itten, what is your question?"

"Well, you claim to want to stop all the rumors Ms. Frost made about your penis yesterday, but are you willing to do the only thing that would really do that?"

Robin tightened his gaze at Kitten. "And what would that be, ma'am?"

"Are you willing to show us your penis?"

()()()

"YOU IDIOT! YOU TOTAL IDIOT!"

Raven, who had long since locked herself into the Titans' ONE broom closet to avoid looking at Robin and subsequently flaring up her dangerous rage, could hear the sound of Cyborg screaming abuse at Robin combine with the sound of him beating Robin about the head with a rolled-up newspaper to create a symphony of punishment that was nowhere near the level that Robin truly deserved.

"YOU'RE FUCKING STUPID, DUDE!" Cyborg again.

"I can't believe you would do something that… that mad…" Starfire's own low voice was wracked with obvious despair. Raven's heart went out to her, but not literally, because then her teammates would know that she was hiding in the closet.

"What do you want me to say?" Robin asked in a meek voice after an over-long period of awkward silence. A crashing sound, perhaps that of a whole table being picked up and thrown, could be heard punctuating the end of Robin's sentence.

"Beastboy," Cyborg shouted, "please quit throwing that damn table! Ever since we found out Terra betrayed us, you've thrown that damn table every time one of us does something wrong! Why the hell do you keep doing that?!"

"It's honestly tradition at this point," Beastboy said. "It just feels natural, y'know?"

"No, I don't know! Stop throwing that damn table! It had my last sports drink on it, now it's all over the place! At this point, I'm almost as pissed at you as I am with Robin-"

"ROBIN!"

Raven couldn't figure out what happened at that point exactly, but it sounded like Robin was trying to escape through the window and Starfire caught him. After some scuffling, everything calmed down instead of Cyborg.

"I can't believe you'd do that!" the robot shouted. "First, you flash every one of our enemies, then you try jumping out of your own window! You have some nerve, man!"

Robin didn't seem to respond (if he did, it wasn't audible), which just made the situation feel even tenser. Raven was honestly beginning to worry a bit for the leader of their team. Even though the stupid, unforgivable thing he did still rung inside her head, a riot felt like it was going to brew in that living room that would decimate Robin, and perhaps the team as well.

"I want you guys to understand how much stress I was under," Robin said at last. "I was staring down many of our fiercest opponents from the past on that set of bleachers. Not only was I expected not to fight them and put them back in prison- fuck knows how all of them escaped to begin with- I was told by all of you AND Raven that if I didn't tell them something, I was going to risk destroying the team."

"Robin," Cyborg said, "the operative word there is 'tell.' Flashing them doesn't TELL them anything. Your penis is not a word that can be said, unless you're trying to speak the language of a glory hole, you crazy fuck."

"…Seemed like a good idea at the time."

**THE END**


End file.

Teen Titans, Humor