Phantom of the Opera 1. July, 1881

_**The Diary Of A Fop**_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations. Or "My Little Pony". Don't ask.

**Author's Note: **Raoul isn't going to get off easy. I mean, we all want to know why the box he's been using smells like cherry lip gloss.

**July 1st, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Was at the mall today. Had to go shopping for new bedsheets. Christine laughed at the "My Little Pony" ones.

Am keeping the pillowcase no matter what she says.

Bought myself very grown-up blue sheets for my racecar bed.

Also picked up a few more tubes of my favorite cherry lip gloss.

Raoul

**July 3rd, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have been listening to Christine whine about the state of her skin.

Claims she is having overexposure to mildew.

Told her she should stop hanging out in basements.

She said basements are better than bedrooms with "My Little Pony" bedsheets.

Raoul

**July 5th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Am almost out of lip gloss already.

Christine says I would use it up so fast if I didn't apply it compulsively.

I asked her if she would still kiss me if my lips weren't soft and conditioned.

She just looked at me funny.

Raoul

**July 7th, 1881**

Dear Diary

Have decided to order crates of lip gloss directly from the company.

Am also keeping some spares in my private box in case I forget.

I've hidden them in the seat cushions in case of emergencies.

I love the cherry scent!

Raoul

**July 8th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Took Christine out to dinner tonight.

She laughed at me for getting a kids meal.

I laughed at her because she didn't get a cool toy.

So there.

Raoul

**July 10th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have been noticing a strange burning smell around the opera house lately.

No wonder Christine is still willing to come out to dinner with me, the food must be awful.

Raoul

**July 13th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Giant crate of lip gloss arrived today.

I've gotten a new tophat as well.

See, if you separate the words in between the o and the p instead of between the p and the h it's like it's saying "Too Phat" because the tophat is just too cool for all of you.

Christine reminded me that there is only one "o" in the word tophat.

She always has to spoil my fun.

Raoul

**July 15th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

I'm finally down to a pack a day.

Of lip gloss that is.

Christine was not impressed by my achievements.

She walked around muttering something about blueberry waffles.

Raoul

**July 16th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine has stopped complaining about the mildew and started hanging in the basements more often.

Can't say I mind, as she's a terrible fun-sucker.

But she makes up for it by sucking other things to, so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

Raoul

**July 18th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Giant chandelier crashed at the opera house today.

Was remotely amusing to see it smush people.

Was funnier to see Carlotta croaking like a frog.

Everyone blamed the Phantom, but I think it's just because Carlotta sucks.

Raoul

**July 21st, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Somebody has been pulling on my ponytail lately, and it's really begun to get on my nerves.

I mean, what did I ever do to them?

At first I hoped it was Christine, then I realized, she couldn't be on stage and in Box Five all at once.

Unless she's a magical fairy.

Or she has a clone.

Raoul

**July 23rd, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine continually muttering about blueberry waffles.

When asked, she claims she doesn't want to eat them, because she'll get fat, but they smell so good.

Told her she could stand to gain a few.

She smacked me.

Raoul

**July 24th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

OH NO! PANIC AND ALARM!

MY PONYTAIL HAS GONE MISSING!

I was just sitting in my box, and I reached back to straighten it, and it was GONE!

Shall put up flyers. "LOST: PONYTAIL! RETURN TO RAOUL!"

Raoul

**July 26th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

No sign of the ponytail

Box five is covered in tiny pine trees, though. The smell nice. My cherry lip gloss smells better though.

The trees do look pretty though.

Raoul

**July 28th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

No sign of ponytail.

No more pretty colored trees in box five either.

Day was made significantly cheerier when Christine gave me some coupons for Herbal Essences shampoo.

I wonder why she's being so nice all of a sudden...

Raoul

**July 30th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Perhaps I should just get another ponytail?

Where would one go about doing that?

Christine said I have to grow it, but I'm really no good at gardening.

Raoul

**July 31st, 1881**

Dear Diary,

It's been over a week without my dear ponytail.

I'm holding up okay,

Its just that we had such good times together...

Oh well, Christine bought me some Rogaine and said that maybe that will make it grow faster.

Raoul


	2. August, 1881

_**The Diary Of A Fop**_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations. Or "My Little Pony". Don't ask.

**Author's Note: **Raoul isn't going to get off easy. I mean, we all want to know why the box he's been using smells like cherry lip gloss.

**August 1st, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Went to see Christine sing tonight.

Heard strange snarling noises behind me in Box Five.

Turned to retching noises after application of cherry lip gloss.

What can I say?

I'm addicted.

Raoul

**August 3rd, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Suspect Christine has been messing with my lip gloss.

Found a whole crate of it in the garbage behind the opera house.

Also found a newspaper clipping for a meeting of "Cherry Lip Gloss Addicts Anonymous".

You don't suppose she's implying something?

Raoul

**August 4th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Found one of Christine's magazines on the table today.

Page was folded over on the page of speedos.

What does Christine want with a speedo?

Perhaps she's realized how amazing I would look in one.

Raoul

**August 7th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Asked Christine about the speedo.

Said the entire idea was utterly disgusting and that it was most certainly not for me.

Who could possibly look better than me in a speedo?

Besides maybe Johnny Depp.

Raoul

**August 8th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

You don't suppose Christine is trying to cheat on me with Johnny Depp, do you?

I mean... speedos?

Things must be getting serious!

Will ask Christine later.

Raoul

**Augsust 9th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Asked Christine if she was having any relations with Johnny Depp.

Assured me that she didn't even know who Johnny Depp was.

Refuses to tell me who the speedo is for.

Damn her!

Raoul

**August 12th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Saw Christine gingerly wrapping speedo yesterday.

Perhaps she's donating it to some charity.

Because the only place she went yesterday was Erik's.

And it's obviously not for HIM.

Raoul

**August 15th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine still refuses to budge on the issue of the speedo.

Says that it does not matter, and it is none of my business.

Well two can play at that game.

Perhaps I shall buy a very lacy thong, and give it to Meg.

Raoul

**August 16th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have ordered very pretty, very expensive thong from Victoria's Secret.

Is certain to make Christine terribly jealous.

Give speedos to other men, will you?

Well, I win. So HA!

Raoul

**August 17th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have been invited to a poker game tomorrow night at Erik's.

He offered to bet my beloved ponytail.

In other news, had the thong put on overnight delivery.

Made sure Christine saw me wrapping it, and adding very intricate gift card that read "MEG"

Am sure she's in her bedroom sobbing

Raoul

**August 18th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Almost time for poker.

I've never been too good at it, but perhaps if I wear a low cut shirt, it will distract the other players.

Christine pointed out that my plan would never work, as none of the men I'm playing against are gay.

DAMMIT!

Raoul

**August 19th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Unable to win my ponytail back.

Very upsetting.

Also got a very severe beating from Madame Giry after giving her daughter obscene underwear.

Meg also slapped me, but then handed me a tiny card with seven number on it.

I wonder what this means?

Raoul

**August 23rd, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Meg yelled at me for not calling her.

Said that I was such a jerk, giving her lovely gifts and then ignoring her.

Supposed it was not the best time to tell her I only wanted to make Christine jealous.

Made sure Christine saw me kindly comforting Meg in a very touchy feely fashion.

Christine just muttered something to her like "Not worth it."

Of course, it is useless to resist my manly charm.

Raoul

**August 26th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Another poker game tonight.

DAMN ERIK!

He's selling my ponytail on eBay!

And it's hardly bringing in any money!

That thing is worth at LEAST fifty bucks.

Raoul

**August 29th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine keeps muttering about how she really wants some waffles.

I offered to make her some, but she declined.

Said Erik's waffles were the only waffles for her.

Little waffle-making pansy.

Christine claimed that REAL men make waffles.

Raoul

**August 31st, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have been trying to learn to make waffles.

Not going so well.

They all come out mushy and gross.

Must ask Erik for his recipe.

Raoul

_**Thank you to... **_

**obsession is love - **Glad I was able to brighten your day.

**Son Ange **- feels shiny from compliment Wheee, I'm awesome! I hope this chapter lives up to the hype!

**Nade-Naberrie** - Oh don't die, then I'll have no one to review my fic!

**Whack-man poop **- hiss Evil Raoul-Lover. Nah, I'm just kidding.

**Baffled Seraph** - I didn't mean for it to be dirty... well, actually, yea, I did. But it was 2am, and I refuse to be held responsible.

**MoonDancerCat** - Snorfle? That is absolutely the best word. After "waffle".

**EriksAngel1870** - I was referring to straws, my dear. angelic smile Everyone's taking it wrong. Alright, so I really did mean for it to be wrong.

**Atressa O'Riordan **- feels shiny again You guys are so nice!

_**...for your lovely review!**_


	3. September, 1881

_**The Diary Of A Fop**_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations. Or "My Little Pony". Don't ask.

**Author's Note: **Raoul isn't going to get off easy. I mean, we all want to know why the box he's been using smells like cherry lip gloss.

**September 1st, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine has been spending more and more time with Erik lately.

Rather annoying, as my hair is so much nicer than his.

He doesn't even HAVE a full head of hair.

Stupid partially bald little dork...

Raoul

**September 2nd, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have decided that Christine's extended absences allow for time to play with My Little Pony action figures.

She doesn't like them.

Says they're very childish.

Well she can go play with her deformed musical genius then!

BAH!

Raoul

**September 4th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine says she has to oversee the installation of Erik's shower.

What help is she going to be in installing a shower?

I doubt if she even knows what one is!

That and a washing machine, two things she NEEDS to become more acquainted with.

Raoul

**September 5th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine still gone on shower duties.

Have taken to playing "My Little Pony" themesong extremely loudly.

No Christine around to tell me to turn it down.

So HA!

Raoul

**September 6th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine still gone.

I miss her.

Pony action figures can only keep one company for so long.

Will have to go out shopping.

Need more lip gloss anyway.

Raoul

**September 8th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

My ponytail is showing significant improvements in it's length.

Will have to take care to guard it carefully.

Don't want to lose it again.

Or have it taken by strange extortionists.

Raoul

**September 10th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

AHHH!

TRAGEDY HAS STRUCK!

There is a giant chunk of hair missing from the side of my head.

Have tried strategic combing techniques to no avail.

Is increasingly difficult to hide.

Raoul

**September 12th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Ran into Erik at the supermarket.

He tried to ignore me.

Wanted to confront him about the whole missing hair issue.

Promptly disappeared through a trapdoor.

Who knew there were trapdoors in supermarkets?

Raoul

**September 14th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Erik has an interesting new choice of attire.

Real Men Make Waffles?

He claims he plans on turning it into a franchise.

Showed me shirt designs.

Told him I wanted to order one.

Said I was not cool enough.

Raoul

**September 15th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Am experimenting with new hairstyles to disguise bald spot.

Stupid Erik.

Why does he have such an infatuation with my hair anyway?

Apparently it doesn't sell for too much on eBay...

Raoul

**September 18th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Erik waltzing around in new shirt.

Reiterated my desire for my own.

Christine loves it.

It would look better on me!

Raoul

**September 19th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Erik confronted me about a certain lip gloss obsession.

It's not my fault!

I'm not addicted!

I could quit any time I wanted!

I swear it!

Offered him a tube, but he attempted to punjab me, so I don't think I'll try that again any time soon.

Raoul

**September 20th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine has a new shirt.

Says "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles"

Am fairly certain said shirt could be traced back to a certain waffle-obsessed lunatic.

Tried to kiss her, but got slapped.

She went off muttering about how men need to not take the shirt so seriously.

Raoul

**September 22nd, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine distraught.

Erik refuses to pass on his waffle-making prowess.

Told her she will simply have to spend her days in basements if waffles are that important.

Said she would rather just subscribe to Cooking Light and be done with it all.

Raoul

**September 25th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine still wearing waffle shirt.

It's a bit bothersome.

I don't think she's taken it off.

I told you she needed to become acquainted with a washing machine.

Shall take her to the laundromat later.

Raoul

**September 27th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine has become clean.

Said she had an unfortunate accident with a shower and Erik.

I certainly hope not both at the same time.

Leads one to wonder...

Raoul

**September 29th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have been accused of being squeaky.

What does that mean anyway?

I mean, just because my voice is a bit high pitched...

You don't have to make fun of me!

Raoul

**September 30th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Ah, the end of the month.

That means my next "My Little Pony Collector's Magazine" issue will be arriving in a matter of days.

Oh goodie!

Raoul

_**Thank you to... **_

**Nota Lone **- Aww, I'm sorry, I got a bit behind on my review replies. So here you are, have a cookie! Waffles are the fops wannabe tools of seduction. Unfortunately for him, Christine only has eyes, or a mouth, as the case may be, for Erik's waffles.

**Deathtoallclovers** - Hurrah for managing to stay in your chair!

**obsession is love **- Yea, Johnny was in my head because my sister was watching the Nickelodeon awards, and Johnny managed to make even SLIME look hot. And who else would Christine want to cheat with? Besides our dear Erik of course.

**Baffled Seraph** - I think that was probably one of the better entries!

**satha** - Of course he's a fop! The most foppish fop that ever did fop! If that makes any sense at all.

**Nade-Naberrie** - If your mind is in the gutter clap your hands! If your mind is in the gutter clap your hands! If you mind is in the gutter and it makes your parents shudder... If your mind is in the gutter clap your hands!

**Canary** - Oh, I'm glad I was able to restore some faith in fanfiction, and greatly disturb the parental units at the same time!

**Son Ange** - Your review tells me it's been far too long since I've updated this fic, as the Diary of A Christine already exists!

**Melissa Amnita - **Oh, but we all know Erik's not really a little waffle-making pansy!

**Professor Weasley** - Ah, it's taken me too long to update, I feel guilty!

**1gamegirl3** - T-shirts are still on sale, absolutely. They'll be up for...ever! Moohaha. The site is at the bottom of the story and in my profile.

**dancechica** - I don't know exactly where the whole "My Little Pony" thing came from, I suppose Raoul just didn't seem like a "Dora the Explorer" kind of guy, you know?

_**...for your lovely review!**_

_**ANNOUNCEMENT:**_

_**ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!**_

For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "www . cafe press . com / waffle lovers" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise.)

T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"

Newest Additions include: "Will Not Be Seduced By Waffles" and "Phic Addict"

So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.


End file.

Phantom of the Opera, Humor