Phantom of the Opera 1. Default Chapter

**A/N: Now moved to my very own account! Please review! Thank you!**

**Chapter One: Moving In**

"How could this be happening? What have I done to deserve this horrid punishment?" Erik asked wonderingly.

"Simple. Christine wanted us to get to know each other some before the wedding. Believe me, it wasn't my choice either!" Raoul shouted sadly. "But, you see, Christine said she wouldn't marry me unless I became more like you and seeing as she's the only girl who ever accepted my proposal, naturally I had nothing to lose coming down here and seeing how—"

"So what you're saying is, you're planning to _stay_ here?" Erik asked, shocked. He rose from his chair and started toward Raoul.

"Yes, but don't worry and please don't kill me. Christine promised to visit as much as she can!" Raoul pleaded. "She'll also be coming to check on me and if I'm dead then, well, she wouldn't be very happy with you, monsieur." Raoul was scared now. What if Erik found out that Christine wouldn't be coming, that she had been locked in her room, that she had wanted to go back to Erik, and that was the reason Raoul wanted to be like Erik! That was a scary thought. Who knew what Erik would do?

"You say Christine will be checking on you?" Erik asked, a little less irritated

"Yes." Raoul said meekly and then gulped, hoping he wouldn't guess the truth.

"I suppose it would be alright for a little while, if Christine will be coming." Erik said to himself. He didn't see Raoul cutting up a piece of leather. He turned around. "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" Erik screamed. then came to his senses and straightened his back. "What are you doing, sir?" he inquired.

"I'm being you."

"Well at least your ugly little face is covered. Your's makes mine almost look handsome. White, monsieur, is not your color. Oh well." Erik sighed. This was going to take a lot of patience. Erik walked away.

"Where are you going?" Raoul asked.

"Somewhere else, maybe get some silence."

"Well— alright." Raoul started after him.

Erik turned. "You sir have disgraceful posture! It sickens me to see you here anyway but watching you walk is making me want to puke!"

Raoul stood astounded. "You saw me walking? But you were turned away!"

"Observe the mirror on the wall." Erik pointed to the wall he had been walking toward.

"Oh thank goodness! I was beginning to think you had eyes on the back of your head!"

Erik snorted and turned. Raoul saw two eyes embedded in the back of Erik's head! He screamed.

"Good _night_, man! It was only a joke, and I must say you reacted just like Christine did when I did it to her. You have her scream down perfectly! How did you manage that?"

Raoul fainted. Erik took off the eye-glasses, dragged Raoul to the hammock and plopped him on it. Erik tied him on so he wouldn't fall off and then looked at him. There was a trail of drool dripping from the corner of his mouth and he had an expression on his face that made him look constipated. Erik stared in awe and then was startled by the low, "Mooooooooo," that issued from him. Erik jumped back. He shivered. How could Christine possibly want to marry someone who mooed in their sleep? It was actually kind of scary. Raoul rolled his head away from Erik, exposing his ponytail. Erik grinned a menacing grin.

Raoul awoke to the sound of the organ and then, realizing he couldn't get up, started shouting at Erik to set him free. Erik, though, didn't choose to listen and went on playing. Raoul was mad— so mad that he had smoke pouring from his nose. The nose served him well for this as it was so large. Then he started to chew on the nearest rope.

Erik, having a mirror in front of him, was enjoying the entertainment. Raoul now had one hand free and was grabbing at the rope that held his other arm. Erik stopped playing and stood up. Raoul stopped and looked at him.

"You, monsieur, are a very interesting person when you're asleep. Oh the noise you make! Finally I had to start playing a very loud song so as to drown you out but then you started singing I had to wrap this pillow around my head with my belt and play the organ. But mostly you must have been conversing with your imaginary cow friends."

"Oh God. I thought that phase was over! My mom said that I hadn't been doing that any more!" Raoul said, disappointed.

"Well, I'm sorry for you but more for Christine on your wedding night!" Erik said, laughing.

Raoul glared at him. "My wedding night is none of your business!"

Raoul found that his other arm was loose and went to smooth his hair and screamed his Christine scream. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"I simply got rid of the thing that was causing you to look ridiculous." Erik said calmly.

"Well it just so happens that that ponytail was a total chick magnet!" Raoul shouted, infuriated.

"Was it really?" Erik asked, sarcastically. He started to walk toward his bedroom.

"What are you doing now? Are you going to leave me here? Where am I supposed sleep?" Raoul asked.

"In answer to your questions monsieur, I am going to work on an opera piece, yes I'm going to leave you here, and you will either sleep on the ground or in the hammock when I am not using it."

"Why can't I use the guest bedroom?"

"That room is strictly for Christine!" Erik growled and flung the Punjab lasso around his neck.

Raoul, who now had his hands free had remembered to keep his hand at the level of his eye, reminded Erik of Christine's visits and Erik loosened the rope.

"You ,sir, are very lucky to have an excuse to live." he spat.

"So, umm, why do you have a hammock?"

"Grrrrrrrr!"

"Okay, okay! I was just wondering because you really wouldn't imagine the Phantom of the Opera would really have a hammock in their….how should I describe it? A lair I guess you'd say." Raoul continued nervously, trying to extract some type of non-frightening piece of conversation from Erik.

"One more word, monsieur, and I shall drown you in the lake and tell Christine it was an accident. She would believe me. I think." Erik threatened.

Raoul gulped. "Okay," he squeaked, knowing that Erik was perfectly capable of doing this. He fainted again.

Normally Erik would have been relieved that he had fallen asleep, but knowing the noise Raoul made, there wasn't a chance of there being peace.

Erik who had discarded the pillow previously, now reattached it, as the first of what proved to be a long series of moos, came.

Raoul awoke in the same position, seeing as he couldn't actually move, and started to undo the ropes. He soon had them undone and got up to find Erik. He found him in the kitchen(which was painted the devastating colour black), singing "Play that funky music white boy" at the top of his lungs into a poor wooden spoon while mixing a box of muffins.

"What kind?" Raoul asked loudly.

Erik jumped and put down the wooden spoon and turned off the music. "You have a bad habit of catching me at a bad time." Erik said in the most controlled voice he could manage.

"That was a good song! Why did you turn it off? If I do say so myself, I can sing it pretty well." Raoul said, expecting a compliment but then realized that he was with Erik, the greatest singer in the world.

"Oh really. Well, I could use some amusement. Sing it," Erik demanded.

"Well if you _insist_!" Raoul said trying to sound annoyed. Erik put it into the karaoke machine. The music started and so did Raoul.

"Play that funky music white boy! Play that funky mu-" He stopped. Erik was laughing hysterically. "What, may I ask, is so funny?" Raoul asked, irritated.

"That-!" Erik was gasping for breath he was laughing so hard. "That was HORRIBLE!" Erik started to screech with laughter now. Raoul scowled at him. "It wasn't that bad! I'll have you know that my mommy has told me how good of a singer I am." This comment succeeded to make Erik laugh harder until he was choking. Raoul slapped him on the back until Erik started to breath somewhat and Raoul had to scream at him, "Stop punching me!".

Suddenly something struck Raoul as odd and he couldn't resist asking. "Why do you have a karaoke machine?" he asked.

Erik grew serious again. "It helps me to master all types of singing. You should her me sing Aeirosmith! I rock on that song called "Dream On!".

"I'm sure you do," Raoul mumbled to himself.

"I do. Well what do you want as proof? Do you want to hear me sing it?"

Erik challenged.

"Yes monsieur, if you don't mind."

"Of course I don't mind! But wait until I finish the muffins."

"What kind?"

"Lemon-poppyseed."

"Of course."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Three hours later, they were either singing or eating a muffin. It wouldn't have taken long for any normal person to have realized that Erik was a WAY better singer, but Raoul still was convinced of his mommy's words saying he was very good, which she had only said to make him shut up.

"My boy, this has gone on long enough! Why can't you just admit defeat?" Erik asked.

"Because it wouldn't be true! My voice is either better than or at least just as good as yours." Raoul said, stubbornly.

"How long are you planning to stay here? You are beginning to get on my nerves. Usually when people get on my nerves, I tend to murder them in the nicest possible way," Erik said, wearily.

"I'll be here until I'm quite sure that I imitate you enough to satisfy Christine! You'd better get used to it, too." Raoul was feeling victorious. Maybe Erik would calm down his urge to kill while Raoul was there.

"Fine, yeah, get used to it. I'll just have to start," Erik muttered to himself, thinking of all the possibilities.

A little while later Raoul found himself growing extremely sleepy. In the back of his mind he thought Erik might have something to do with this but, as he walked toward his hammock he forgot the thought. He stood for a minute looking at the bed, thinking how nice it looked right now. He suddenly giggled to himself. Then all of the sudden he ran to the opposite side of the room, turned, and ran toward the bed and leaped toward it. He landed with a scream and a splash, as his bed suddenly moved away from him, he landed in the lake. As he came to the surface, he heard Erik chuckling.

"Yes. I think I will adjust fine to your being here monsieur, just fine. I must tell you though; I find you quite boring, irritating, and very easy prey. It may get boring after a while," Erik said as he walked away.

"You, you fiend! You, monsieur, are a villain!" Raoul cried, his brow furrowed as he pointed at Erik.

"I have thought so myself from time to time," Erik said, his voice full of self-admiration.

Erik, taking this insult as a compliment, infuriated Raoul. He jumped out of the lake and charged at Erik. But as we all know, Erik is an expert at the Punjab lasso and of course had it round Raoul's neck in no time. He could easily been killed if Christine hadn't rushed in at that very moment.

"Christine!" Erik shouted, the glee and happiness of a child in his voice.

"Christine?" said Raoul, utterly shocked.

"Erik, darling! Raoul?" Christine seemed confused at seeing them both there, in the lair, Erik about to kill Raoul, and then again at seeing them both there.

"My dear, how good to see you!" Erik said as he dropped Raoul.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"Erik I have missed you! You wouldn't believe---" Raoul cut her off.

"Yes, yes. I'm sure your glad to see Erik but may I speak with you Christine? Privately?"

"I guess but what are you doing-" Raoul cut her off again and led her to the other side of the room, away from Erik.

"Christine, dearest, you coming here has put me in a very difficult position! How did you ever get out of your room?"

Erik was trying to pick up some sign of hostility between Christine and Raoul just so he could hope that maybe she'd stay for good.

"Raoul, you did that? You were the one who locked me in there? I can't believe you!" Christine smacked Raoul in the arm. Erik saw this and smiled. Maybe she hated him and would soon come running to him.

"I got out by banging my head against the door until someone heard me!" Christine said to Raoul. "I really can not believe you did that. Wicked man!"

"I was only protecting you! Besides, Erik will kill me if he found out I lied to him! You don't want a murder on your hands, do you?"

"What did you tell him?" she asked. Briefly Raoul filled her in on the past few days but stopped short at the sight of her amazed yet amused expression.

"What is it?"

"You sang together? Together? The two of you?" she asked laughingly.

"What? You don't believe me? Do you want us to show you the duet we've been working on?"

"I would be delighted to hear what you two have been working on. Though I really can't imagine what it will be like," she said with mock eagerness.

"Fine. ERIK! Could we show this childish young lady our duet?"

Erik blushed. "It really isn't anything Christine. A joke really, meant to amuse two drunken men, wait make that one man and one sissy, who live too far away from the sun."

"Well I guess if you sing it so badly then I shouldn't hear it." she said, challenging Erik.

"You think I won't sing it because it's bad?" Erik asked, his temper rising.

"No, no. I only think you think it isn't any good."

"Well, I think you think that I think it's bad which you think is true.Well, if that's the way you feel we'll just have to show you that I'm not the one who can't sing, but it is your lover, the great human cow! Have you heard or seen him when he sleeps?"

"Monsieur, I resent that!" Raoul said, his eyebrows raised and his eyes squinted.

"Come we must sing!" Erik shouted and headed toward the karaoke machine and put in a disk. Old-timish, Western, piano-in-bar music started playing and the two started to sing together.

"My little buttercup has the sweetest smile. Dear little buttercup, won't you stay a while? Dear little buttercup, with your eyes so blue. My little buttercup, you're a dream come true!" Christine flinched at the high note that Raoul sang. "You and I will settle down in a cottage built for two! Dear little buttercup, sweet little buttercup, I love yooooouuuuu!" They finished and looked at Christine triumphantly, an I- Told- You- We'd- Do- Good look on Raoul's face. She sat there staring in utter amusement and than burst out laughing.

"_That _was the duet? Hee, Hee, Hee! How can you sing_ that_ and be so serious? Ha, Ha, HA! My little buttercup indeed!" she said, laughing. The two men before her stared and then Erik said, "Would a muffin shut you up?"

"No I don't believe it would," Raoul said, staring icily at Christine.

"Christine for goodness sake will you be quiet!" Erik shouted.

"Hee hee ha ha ha! Oh my goodness that was hilarious!" Christine hooted.

"Monsieur, quiet the woman. If you'll excuse me I have to send off some muffins to an old friend," Erik said, peeved.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

While Erik was sending off the muffins, Raoul had the hard job of trying to shut up Christine.

"Christine, my dear, can you control yourself? My god woman!" Raoul pleaded. Christine managed to calm herself only for a moment before she would remember their duet and then she would crack up again.

"I'm sorry Raoul, but that was so, so funny. And by the way, how many times have I told you not to call me woman?" she said, finally calming down.

"Well I thought we did a good job! We've been practicing. You should hear Erik sing Dream On," Raoul said, changing the subject.

"Erik? Sing Dream On? No he couldn't get the scream like Stephen tyler. You can't be serious!" Christine said.

"I most certainly am!"

"I'd like to see this. I'd pay big bucks for that," she said. Raoul turned and headed for the kitchen. He poked his head inside. Erik was wrapping the muffins in saran wrap while humming I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay.

"Your quite good at that wrapping stuff." Raoul commented.

"Yes. My mother thought it was an art and made quite bloody sure I knew how to use saran wrap!" Erik said.

"Well I hate to interrupt this art but I need to prove, well actually you need to prove to Christine that you can sing Dream On."

"Doesn't she believe that I sing it?"

"Not at all."

"Well if I keep having to prove things to her then Im going to have to... I don't know but it would be bad!" Erik said as he stormed out of the kitchen.

Christine was sitting on the couch when Erik walked into the room.

"Have you come to sing for me Erik?" She asked.

"I bloody well have! Hit it Raoul!" he shouted. Raoul put the CD into the karaoke machine. The music started and Erik began to sing. It was over too soon.

Raoul had tears running down his face. "That was an inspiration. Thank you."

"That was beautiful Erik." Christine said in a trance-like voice.

"Uh oh. I've done it again. I sometimes just can't stop my voice from just, you know, doing that to her," Erik said, revolted.

"You did a good job though," Raoul said.

"You really think so? Because I haven't exactly gotten the screaming part down as well as Stephen Tyler."

"No, no. Really you did awesome! Man I wish I could do that!"

"Dream on."

"Hey! What was that supposed to mean?" Raoul asked accusingly.

"Exactly what it sounded like."

"Oh yeah? Well I don't like your tone!" Raoul retorted.

"_You_ don't like _my_ tone?" Erik asked, getting in Raoul's face.

"No I don't!" Raoul said huffily. He glanced at entranced Christine. "What do we do with Entranced Beauty?' he asked. Christine was sitting there staring, her eyes glazed over, her mouth open.

"I guess we should put her in her room." Erik grunted as he picked her up. "Help! I'm going to drop her. You idiot, get over here!" Erik shouted. Raoul hurried over and took her feet while Erik held on to her arms. Then they began the long journey of taking her to her room, dropping her several times in the process. You'd be surprised at how heavy such a little thing could be.

"She's so heavy!" complained Raoul.

"You're just a wuss!"

"I most certainly am not a wuss!" Raoul said, as he dropped Christine yet again.

"Monsieur, if you keep on dropping her like that she is bound to get hurt! And if you hurt her, despite the fact she's annoying me today, I will kill you!" Erik snapped.

"Fine but I'm just saying I'm not a wuss." Raoul mumbled, as he bent to pick up Christine.

They finally got her onto the bed but had a hard time getting her eyes closed. Because she'd gone into the trace with her eyes open, they remained open until Erik finally taped them shut. They both looked down on the seemingly light body with her eyes taped shut.

"She's really quite beautiful when youre not irritated with her." Raoul commented.

"Duh!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

This is the point in the story where Ayesha comes in. Raoul had been sleeping peacefully in his hammock when he started to sneeze violently. He opened his eyes and was face to face with a very strange, yet beautiful, creature he assumed to be a cat. It was staring at him. He went into another sneezing fit and Erik ran into the room.

"Oh, it's just you," Erik said, disappointed. "I thought it might be the alarm. That means that I have an unwanted visitor. It rang when you came too only--, why are you sneezing?"

"I'm allergic to cats! I assume that this thing is a cat."

"Not thing! Ayesha," he said calmly as he scooped up the cat in his arms, caressing its back.

"Well Ayesha is making me sneeze!"

"Well since you're the only one in this house who minds her, accept for sometimes Christine, you can just leave."

"Erik, you are the only one in this house accept for sometimes Christine," Raoul pointed out.

"Yes, you are correct on that monsieur, but Christine isn't allergic to her, she's only jealous."

"I am not jealous!" Christine shouted from the doorway of her room, her eyelashes still bearing the tape.

"Yes you are darling. Don't deny it, you know you are." Erik called, looking at Raoul who was putting on chapstick.

"I'm telling you, I am not!"

"Whatever you say dearest." Erik called, in an overly happy voice.

"I'm hungry." Raoul piped in.

Both Erik and Christine turned to look at him.

"Sir, I've been down here for three days or so, I think, and have not eaten a thing! Lip balm?"

"What?" Erik asked.

"I told you! I'm hungry." he said.

"Oh very well. Christine, darling, be a doll and go find what's in the kitchen. I think there are some blood oranges in the fridge."

"Alright Erik," she said.

"Blood?" Raoul asked.

"Yes. What of it?" Erik asked.

"Nothing, nothing. You have a fridge?" Raoul asked.

"Monsieur, I may not be the biggest eater, but I supply my kitchen with all necessary things. Plus you'd be surprised at how much Christine will eat sometimes," Erik said.

"No I wouldn't," Raoul said under his breath.

Christine came back in with the sliced oranges in hand. A thick, red liquid was running down her hand.

"Christine you're bleeding!" Raoul exclaimed, alarmed.

"It's the oranges." Erik and Christine said in unison.

"Oh! They're blood oranges! Right, gotcha." Raoul said, embarrassed.

"Thank you dear." Raoul sneezed again.

"We are going to have to do something about that aren't we," Erik said.

"Yes. He's scaring the poor cat, and making my headache worse." Christine had woken up with a splitting headache from Raoul dropping her so many times.

"You have a headache?" Erik glared at Raoul.

"Yes. I just woke up with it," she whined.

"Well I'll just make you something to make it better then," Erik said. The whole time Erik was talking, Raoul was sneezing like crazy.

"Um, Erik? Could you make me something that would help my allergies?" Raoul asked.

"I'll see what I can do," Erik said coldly. He swore to him self that Raoul would be sorry for hurting his precious Christine.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Erik came back with two bottles in hand. One he gave to Christine the other he tossed to Raoul, not even hiding his disgust. Christine, who trusted Erik, drank hers at once without complaint. But Raoul knew Erik was mad at him and had the idea that Erik might have poisoned the potion with something so toxic and deadly, that he would die a slow death.

Erik, sensing that Raoul was scared, said, "I assure you, Monsieur, that it is not poisoned in any way."

"You're quite sure?"

"Of course."

"Alright," Raoul drank the liquid in one swig and then made a face. "Ugh! That was disgusting!"

Erik smiled to himself. Raoul would be sorry.

"Erik," Christine broke in.

"Yes, my dear?"

"Can we play scrabble?"

"Well..." he hesitated.

"Come on, please?"

'Umm, I'm not sure I want to," Raoul said warily.

That was all the convincing Erik needed. "Oh, come on you sissy. Too scared that I'd beat you?"

"No, but I'll play just to prove it."

Christine clapped her hands and laughed happily. Erik smiled at her. Raoul smiled at the way she was hopping up and down. How in the world did she do that odd little bounce?

Fifteen minutes later they were all at the table playing Scrabble.

"P- U- N- J- A- B! Ha! Beat that woman!" Erik shouted.

"Chicken. And don't call me woman!" Christine demanded.

"That's your word? Chicken?" Erik asked,

"No! Chicken!" She said pointing across the room.

"Dear God! A Chicken! How in the world did it get down here?" Raoul screamed, climbing onto the table.

"Well I assume that it came by way of the road." Erik stated practically.

"Get it away! I'm allergic! It'll make me have a gross odered waste!" Raoul screamed and then fainted, falling off of the table.

Erik walked over and picked up the hen. He went over to Raoul and hung it over his face and nudged him until he awoke. Raoul screamed his Christine scream and the chicken began to flap its wings and squawk.

Raoul fainted again. "You have served your purpose. You can leave now." Erik said to the chicken. It walked toward the large crack in the wall and went out.

"Does that crack lead to the road?" Christine asked.

"Yes my dear. But it is a very long tunnel." He said.

Raoul awoke and looked around, frightened. "Is it gone?" he asked.

"Yes, it's gone, Raoul," Christine answered.

"Oh good!" His stomach gurgled. "I say, Erik! Have you by any chance a privy about?" Raoul asked.

"Yes monsieur. Through that door," Erik said, A sly look on his face. Raoul narrowed his eyes at him. Erik did his best to look innocent.

"Thanks." Raoul walked off.

About an hour and a half later, Raoul opened the door and a foul odor wafted from the bathroom,.

"What the bloody heck do you do to me?" Raoul thundered.

"How'd it go in there? Have a steady flow?" Erik asked innocently. Christine went to get the air refreshener.

"The potion! It has to have been that potion!" Raoul realized.

"Yes, yes, monsieur, and are you sneezing anymore?"

"Well no, but for the past 90 minutes I have been in the bathroom reading a book on The Adventures of Microwave Cooking!"

"Just so you know Nadir bought met that book and I only keep it to amuse him." Erik defended himself.

"What did you put in it!" Raoul demanded.

"A laxative." Erik said. While this conversation was taking place, Christine had found a gas mask amongst Erik's things and was spraying air refreshener everywhere.

"Well you'll be paying for it now for a while. That smell is enough to make anyone keel over!"


End file.

Phantom of the Opera, Humor