Naruto 1. Message from Madara

**A/N: This is a new collaboration fic from Inuyonas and I! Credit goes to Inuyonas for the idea for this story. I recommend that you check out his fics, they are awesome!**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Naruto...**

**Chapter One – Message from Madara**

Tsunade, the Fifth Hokage of Konoha stared in astonishment at the message in her hand. "Let me see that!" said the short Tsuchikage, jumping up and down to try and see what was in the message.

"Don't hog the message, woman!" Raikage thundered, grabbing it from Tsunade, "What is this? Madara Uchiha wants to seek audience with the five kage's? Preposterous!"

At that moment, when his name was said, Madara appeared atop the kage's conference table – landing precisely on Gaara's cup of tea. "Ow! Hot! It burns!" Madara wailed, jumping around, making muddy footprints on the Mizukage's documents. Madara recovered from his episode as she glared at him. He cleared his throat, "Now all of you listen here – and I do mean _all _of you. Sasuke, you can come out from behind that flowerpot and round up the rest of your little...team."

The heads of the five kage's turned around in unison to stare at the figure of a young man emerging from behind the flowerpot with a scowl on his face. He was promptly joined by a white-haired boy carrying a sword, a tall orange haired boy and a girl with red hair and glasses.

"Fantastic, attention everyone, I am here to declare-" Madara started.

"War?" Tsunade asked.

"I see, so the fourth ninja war is finally upon us!" said Raikage.

"Wait! Let me finish!" Madara said, annoyed at the interruptions.

"Do go on..." Mizukage said, examining her nails.

"I want to destroy Konoha!" Sasuke yelled, drawing his sword.

Madara rubbed his temples and sighed, "Sasuke, give it a rest and put that thing away..."

"Don't tell me what to do you old - " He was cut short by a blow to the head delivered courtesy of Tsunade. Suigetsu and Jugo looked shocked while Karin looked mutinous.

"Thank you...Tsunade-hime," Madara said while Tsunade visibly cringed at being called 'hime' by Madara. "So, as I was saying, I'm about to be the pioneer of a new tradition in the ninja world...one that will shock you and leave you in awe! Yes this is war, but a war of a different kind, I propose the dawn of the first ever Ninja All Stars Tournament!" Madara declared dramatically.

Everyone present in the room stared at him until... "What the hell?" asked Tsuchikage.

"Have you been driven to senility?" Gaara asked.

"Wait, is this like pop stars where we have to sing and stuff?" Suigetsu asked.

"No and NO, let me _explain_," Madara said, clearly frustrated, he spent years...no...decades coming up with this and these people had the nerve to suggest that he was insane. He pointed to the kage's, "Gather up your best ninja and then have them sign these." He passed stacks of paper to each of the kage's.

"What are these?" Mizukage asked.

"Indemnity forms," Madara said, "So we don't get held responsible for injuries or loss of possessions."

"So...you're serious about this?" Tsunade asked.

"Do I look like I'm joking? Do you consider me to be the joking type, Tsunade-hime?"

"Well no, and what's with the 'Tsunade-hime'?" Tsunade asked.

"Oh nothing..." Madara said, clearing his throat very loudly, "I have even prepared these information packages for you detailing what's to be expected at the tournament."

More stacks of paper were passed around and the kage's began reading over them. Sasuke was unconscious and his teammates were sitting quietly around him, Jugo spending most of the time trying to keep Karin from groping Sasuke. After a few minutes Gaara finally put his stack down, "This has to be some kind of trick."

"Potato sack race? _Egg and spoon race_?" Raikage said, leafing through the pages before throwing them into the air. Madara looked highly affronted, "Well if you look on page five, you will see there's baseball and basketball and swimming...among other things."

"Ridiculous!" Raikage said, tearing up the pages.

"Wait a minute, I don't see why we couldn't give this a chance," Mizukage said airily.

"Yes, listen to the lady," Madara said, smiling at her while thinking that from his position atop the table he had a great view of her cleavage. The best part was that neither her nor Tsunade could tell that he was staring at them because of the mask he wore. Masks were indeed handy. "I mean, we all don't want war right?" Mizukage said.

"I'd rather go to war then participate in this farce," said Tsuchikage.

"Mizukage has a point," Gaara said.

"So are you all in then?" Madara asked a bit too enthusiastically, "I mean, uh, what I meant was...whatever, you don't have to join in, I'll host my own tournament."

Tsunade smirked, "Very well, Konoha is in."

"As is Suna."

"And Kiri!"

"Ugh fine, Iwa will be there," Tsuchikage said.

"Raikage-sama?" Mizukage asked.

"Hmph. We will be there and we will win!"

-X-

All the top ninja's of the five great shinobi nations were gathered awaiting Madara's announcement. Madara arrived fashionably late and stood on top of a high podium, "Yes, I have a thing for high places," he said randomly. The ninjas were staring at him, some with wonder, some with irritation, some with murderous intent, and some with boredom. "Now I know why you're all gathered here, but do _you _know why you're here?"

"For the ninja all stars tournament!" a blonde-haired ninja called out loudly.

Madara turned towards the kage's, "Why did you tell them, it was supposed to be a surprise, I wanted to tell them," he whined, and all the kage's were left wondering if this was really their main adversary that had all the five nations quivering prior to the tournament suggestion.

"Naruto always manages to worm stuff out of me," Tsunade said with a shrug.

"Damn kyubi," Madara said, and he turned back to the ninja's, "Welcome...to the first ever and the greatest thing ever...since me, of course...the ninja all stars tournament where all of you get to participate in a variety of events for the sole goal of being the number one team. Yes, you may clap and cheer now."

But nobody did.

"Now of course there will be prizes to look forward to for the winners. Who wants to hear about the prizes?" Madara asked rhetorically.

"Shut up! Just shut the hell up and release me so that I can crush Konoha," Sasuke screamed because team taka was all bound together with a rope.

"Heh heh, Sasuke, you're going to love this. The winning team gets to annihilate any person, clan, village or country of their choice!" Madara said, sounding pleased with himself.

"If we win, we're so taking him down," Sakura decided.

"And that's not all," Madara continued, sounding like a game show host, "The leader of the winning team will also win a date with Tsunade-hime..."

"What the – who made that arrangement?" Tsunade asked with blazing eyes.

"I did, sweet pea," said Madara.

"EW!" someone yelled from the gathering of ninja's.

"What if Tsunade-sama wins?" Mizukage asked.

"Then she obviously wins a date with me," Madara said. _I'll get you back for defeating me, Shodai Hokage...by dating your precious granddaughter, muhahaha._

"We got called back from the dead..._for this_," said Sasori, who was standing with all the undead Akatsuki and Kabuto.

"So now, each of the kage's as well as myself will draw our team members from this barrel. Each team will consist of nine people," Madara said, bringing out the barrel, which contained slips of paper each ninja had written their name on.

"Hold on just a minute!" Naruto cried out, "I thought we were entering our names for a lucky draw to win ramen."

"Who told you that?" Kiba asked.

"Nobody...I just assumed."

The kage's surrounded Madara, "So you're saying that we don't exclusively get the ninja's from our own country?"

"Of course not! How are we going to promote co-operation between the nations and promote relations?" Madara asked.

"So you're interested in doing that?" Tsunade asked sceptically.

"If it interests you then it definitely interests me," said Madara, with a wink, then he realized that she couldn't see it because of his mask. Tsunade still felt grossed out because of the tone of his voice and the sniggering that came from Tsuchikage.

"Let's just pick our teams quickly and get this over with!" Raikage said, close to losing his temper.

Meanwhile, while the kage's drew their teams, the ninja's were wondering whose team they would end up on. "What if I end up on a team with only girls and they beat me up? What if none of the kage's even want me on their team? Oh no, what if, my name slipped out of the barrel and gets lost and I don't get to be on a team?" Omoi said, his paranoia setting in.

"Dude, chill out," Darui told him.

But all of the ninja's, including the undead ones, were nervous about which teams they would be on.

"Hey if the team I'm on wins can I come back to life?" Deidara asked.

"If the team I'm on wins I want 999,999,999,999,999 trillion dollars." Kakuzu said.

"That's American money. America doesn't exist in our world." Hidan said.

"What doesn't exist?" Sasori asked.

"Exactly!" Hidan commented.

"If the team I'm on wins, then I want to be named Hokage right then and there. No questions asked...just do it." Naruto demanded.

"What about Tsunade-shisou?" Sakura asked.

"Oh damn. I forgot her old ass is still alive. You know, with her being old and all. I just thought since she's been on this earth since before the color Orange she would be-"

Tsunade silenced him with a thunderous right hook to the face knocking him unconscious.

"If the team I'm on wins then I want an all access pass to... DESTROY KONOHA!" Sasuke said.

"Poor little brother. You are so blinded by your rage that you cannot see the Uchiha's demise was their own fault." Itachi commented.

"I'm blind? You're the one who's eyesight is worse than Tsunade is old and-"

Tsunade pounced on Sasuke and began to beat him mercilessly.

"Well er..." Madara began awkwardly. "We will discuss other opportunities for the winners..."

He narrowed his eternal sharingan and rinnegan at Tsunade. _'And if I win...Let's just say that there will be future ninjas with the name Uchiha and/or Senju running around with the Sharingan and blonde hair...'_

Kabuto smiled evilly. _'And if I win, then I can bring __**THEM**__ back...my greatest inspiration in life...my everything...my significant other...the only person I'll ever love mentally and physically...OROCHIMARU-SAMA!'_

**Tell us what you think, please review!**


	2. The Teams

**AN- Here's the second instalment of the Best Collaboration Ever! (BCE).**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Naruto. If Inuyonas did then the series would be called Anti-Sakura. If Hana-01 did then ...who knows what would have happened lol**

**Chapter Two – The Teams**

Madara stood on the ground.

Flanking him on his right were Tsunade and Gaara.

Flanking him on his left were the Mizukage, The Tsuchikage and the Raikage.

They were facing the rest of the Shinobi that were gathered there.

Madara spoke.

"The kage's and I have drew nine names out of the hat-"

"Who's hat!" someone shouted

"Does it really matter?" Madara asked.

"...Yes..."

"...Fine I stole the hat from some old, short bald guy."

The Tsuchikage twitched.

"Hey old man Tsuchikage, where's your hat?" Deidara asked.

"I'm beginning to wonder that myself..." He glared at Madara.

"...uh anyway...We each have drawn nine names out of a RANDOM hat. So when your name is called please stand near your team captain." Madara declared.

The Raikage cleared his throat, "I'll go first."

"No." Madara said.

The Raikage got angry...

Then he realized Madara Uchiha would probably wipe the floor with him and kindly stepped back.

"So you going to go first?" the Mizukage asked.

"Oh no. I'm a man of honor and manners. A lady is always first," Madara kindly said.

Mei blushed. "Thank you. Well My teams are-"

"Tsunade Senju will go first," Madara interrupted.

"...I saw that coming a mile away," Neji said standing with the rest of the ninja's.

"What's this about someone taking your smile away?"

Neji sighed..."Nothing Naruto..."

"Very well." Tsunade started.

"Shino Aburame," she said.

Shino walked toward Tsunade.

"Kiba Inuzuka."

"Dude we're on the same team!" Kiba said when he was standing next to Shino.

"Yes we are," Shino said.

"Shikamaru Nara."

"Figures I would be with Kiba...or anyone on the leaf..."

"Rock Lee."

"YOSH! I'm with my leafy brethren!" Lee shouted as he bounded over to Tsunade.

"If you ever call me leafy again I will strangle the youth out of you," Shikamaru said.

Kiba sweat dropped.

Lee looked mortified.

"Kankurou."

"I always get stuck with leaf ninjas..."

"Juugo."

Juugo walked over there.

"Who are you?" Kiba asked.

"I'm with Sasuke's team."

Everyone tensed up.

"Sasuke Uchiha."

Everyone froze. Sasuke calmly strode over to where his team was.

"Juugo." Sasuke greeted.

"Sasuke." he greeted back.

"Kiba."

"Sasuke."

"Shikamaru."

"Sasuke."

"Kankurou."

"Traitor."

"Lee."

"Not youthful person."

"Lady Tsunade."

"Don't talk to me you sick and twisted boy."

"Shino."

"..."

"Shino..."

"..."

"Shino..."

"I do not talk to traitorous scum."

"..."

".."

"..."

"You just spoke to me..."

"...Damn...you are correct. I shall punish myself," Shino took out a can of bug spray.

"Kabuto."

"Great...another troublesome traitor joins the ranks," Shikamaru sighed.

"Anywho," Madara began. "Gaara, why don't you go next."

"Very well."

Gaara cleared his throat.

"Naruto Uzumaki."

"YEAH! YEAH! I"M ON GAARA'S TEAM WHOOO! YEAH! WE'RE GONNA WIN THIS THING!"

Naruto ran up to Gaara.

"Matsuri."

Matsuri walked up to Gaara.

"It makes me glad that I'm on your team.."

"Likewise Matsuri-"

"YEAH! YEAH! MATSURI'S IN THIS BITCH! YEAH! WE'RE GONNA DRAG ALL YOU LOSERS!" Naruto shouted again.

He pointed at Sasuke when he said that.

Sasuke twitched.

"Kidomaru." Gaara continued.

Kidomaru walked over to Gaara.

"Since I'm on this team we have no choice but to win," he said

"YEAH! YEAH! SPIDERMAN'S IN THIS BITCH! THE MOST POWERFUL OF THE SOUND FOUR IS ON OUR TEAM! WE'RE GONNA RAPE THE OTHER TEAMS!" Naruto shouted again.

"Deidara." Gaara said.

"Well it could be worse..."

Deidara walked up to Gaara.

"YEAH! YEAH! DEIDARA BLOWIN SHIT UP IN THIS BITCH! WE'RE GONNA LEAVE THOSE OTHER TEAMS IN THE DUST!"

"Yamato."

Hai Kazekage-sama."

"YEAH! CAPTAIN YAMATO UP IN THIS BEEEEOOOOTCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Neji Hyuuga."

"Well at least Naruto's on my team." Neji said as he walked toward the wind shadow.

"YEAH! YEAH! WE GOT A HYUUGA IN THIS HOE! NEJI HYUUGA UP IN THIS HOE! JYUUKEN STRIKIN WITH HIS TOE! WE DON'T TOUCH WOMEN WITH THE LAST NAME HARUNO!"

A brick flew and hit Naruto in the head.

"Asuma Sarutobi" Gaara said.

"...I need a smoke.."

"YEAH! YEAH! ASUMA-SENSEI UP IN THIS PIECE!

"Hidan."

"F**k! YEAH! I'M GONNA F**KIN F**K THE F**K OUT OF ALL OF YOU F**KIN FAG BASTARDS!" Hidan said.

He walked over and high fived Naruto.

"AWW SHIT HIDAN IN THIS BITCH!" Naruto shouted.

"NARUTO IN THIS BITCH!" HIDAN SAID

"NARUTO IN THIS BEEEOOOOOTCCHHHH !"

Naruto fell over on the ground and was still saying the end part of the last word he said.

"Naruto shut up. Now." Gaara ordered.

"I'M SHUTTING UP IN THIS BEEOOOOWCHHH!"

Sand appeared at Naruto's feet.

His mouth closed faster than the legs of that one guy Sakura was trying to have sex with.

"My turn," Madara said, "Sai."

Sai stepped forward and joined Madara, "So I'm on this team. Our team should have a nickname...I will call it...Team Mad."

"Are you insinuating that I'm mad?" asked Madara.

"Not at all. I read somewhere that you can shorten the leaders name to make a name for the team."

"...Right then...Sakura," Madara called.

"Oh no," Sakura said, biting her lip.

_Oh yes! I have Tsunade's apprentice, I can get some inside info on her! _Madara thought with glee as his head was getting full of thoughts that a very old man such as himself should not be having about an old woman.

"Temari."

"Curses!"

"You should be honoured to be on my team, little girl."

"Screw you, old man!"

"Sorry, but that honour is reserved for another lady," Madara said, and he looked at Tsunade, "Next up, Ao."

"Great, just the team I wanted to be on..."

"Haha, you and everybody else," Madara said, missing the sarcastic tone of Ao's voice, "Nagato."

"Nice to be working with you again, _Madara. _How nice of you to have taken my eyes, _Madara_," Nagato was saying sarcastically.

"Please, I gave you those eyes in the first place."

"Then what did you do with my real eyes?"

"Uhm...uh...donated them to the society of blind ninja's...enough about that, and stop making me go off the topic here! Next up, Jirobo."

"Why am I always on the loser bad guys team? Why can't I be on the good guys team, where I can win?" Jirobo lamented.

"This IS the good guys team because we're going to be good at winning. If you ain't a winner, then leave! Here's the door, I mean it, leave!" Madara shouted.

"But we're outside," said Jirobo.

"It's a metaphorical door, idiot!"

"A meta what?" Jirobo asked.

"Meta what? Meta what? If you don't know the meaning then you are a loser, are you a loser? There ain't gonna be no losers on this team. So are you a loser, answer me!"

"Well - "

Madara interrupted, "Trick question, you are a loser, and I'm going to make you a winner!"

A few tears started to escape from Jirobo's eyes because of Madara's malicious aura.

"Oooh, look at the big baby. You gonna cry? You gonna cry? You want to borrow my mask to hide your loser face?" Madara continued.

Tsunade cleared her throat, "Would you stop that and carry on!"

"Sorry 'hime. Akatsuchi."

A huge looking guy stepped out of the gathering of ninja's and came towards Madara.

"Goddamn! What the hell are you people feeding these ninja's?" Madara asked as everyone shuffled around to make room for Akatsuchi. "Samui."

A busty blonde stepped forward.

"Sakura, where's yours?" Sai asked.

"My what?" Sakura asked, confused.

"Your boobs," said Sai. He was subsequently hit with a brick.

"Finally my tur - " Mizukage started.

"I'll go next," Raikage said, "Shi."

"Good to be working with you Raikage-sama, I won't let you down," said Shi.

"Damn right you won't," Raikage said, "Konan."

She arrived in a whirl of paper and stood next to Shi.

"Wow!" Shi said in awe.

Konan just stood and stared straight ahead.

"Choji."

"Are you going to buy me barbeque?" Choji asked, his stomach was growling.

"No, but you will get barbequed if you don't get your head in the game!" Raikage warned, "Gai."

"The thunderous power of youth is crackling through my veins! Even though my adorable students aren't with me, this will be a golden opportunity to test their skills against mine in an all out battle of the springtime of youth!"

"Great spirit, now get in line," Raikage said, "Kakuzu."

"Am I getting paid for this? Because I'm getting too old for this shit. I mean it, I'm so old I fought the first hokage," Kakuzu complained.

"Well if you don't want to have a reunion with the first hokage, I suggest you can it," Raikage said, "Sakon."

A guy with gray hair stepped up.

"Who is this two-faced son of a bitch? I don't want a mutant on my team," Raikage said.

"Your wife doesn't complain about it," Sakon retaliated.

"My wife is dead," the Raikage stated with a serious expression on his face.

",..."

"..."

"...well she DIDN'T complain."

O_o

"Now, now, Raikage-sama, it's great that he is on our team because two heads are better than one!" said Gai sensei.

"Karin."

"Noo, I'm not with Sasuke! How will I ever seduce him now?" Karin wailed.

"You couldn't seduce him even if your name was Seduce and Sasuke already liked you." Ukon said from Sakon's shoulders.

"Wow, what a team, we got a guy with two heads and a girl with four eyes," Raikage said, rolling his eyes, "Lastly, Killer Bee."

"I'm on this team with ma bro, we gonna run this show, other teams are gonna hit the flo', yeah," Killer Bee rapped.

"Nice one bro," said the Raikage while Gai was holding a thumbs up.

"WHAT A GLORIOUS YOUTHFUL RAP! I SHALL TRY MY HAND AT RAP! OK I'M STRONGER THAN A MOOSE! WE WILL NEVER CALL A TRUCE! I WANNA DRINK A JUICE! I GOTTA DROP A DUECE...AND IT WILL SMELL LIKE THE POWER OF YOOOOUUUTH!"

Killer Bee gave Gai a thumbs up.

"MY TURN," Mizukage said loudly before Tsuchikage could start, "Tenten."

"Yay! I'm on a kickass kunoichi's team!"

"Kurenai."

"We could have called ourselves 'Team Hot' but now Tenten's here too..." Kurenai said while Tenten glared at her.

"Kimimaro."

"I will serve this team well."

"Zetsu."

"We're on a good team. **Hell no! I want to be on Madara's team.**"

"Ino."

"I'm so glad to be on this team that represents beauty, courage and wisdom," Ino gushed.

"Well...it used to up until five seconds ago," Mizukage said, high-fiving Kurenai.

Ino and Tenten looked very angry. "Looks like there's going to be competition within this team," Ino said.

"Oh Honey, look at us – there is no competition," said Mizukage.

Zetsu and Kimimaro silently decided that they were staying out of such discussions.

**"Hey Kimimaro. I would love to devour that Kurenai kunoichi." **Black Zetsu said.

"I do hope you mean sexually," said Kimimaro.

"Kurotsuchi."

"All right! Time to whup ass! We're gonna win this thing!"

"Finally someone with the right attitude," Mizukage said, "Karui."

"Whoop! I'm amped for this!"

"Omoi."

Omoi strode forward cautiously without saying anything but his mind was racing and conjuring up various scenarios that involved getting a beating from his teammates who were predominantly female. _I'm screwed, and not in the good way._

"Tsuchikage old boy, you're up," Madara said.

"Who are you calling old when you're older than me," Tsuchikage grumbled.

"Let's not be technical," Madara said.

"Hinata."

Hinata joined Tsuchikage, she was looking very nervous and fidgety.

"Don't look so terrified, we're both good ninja's...or at least half of us are..."

Hinata smiled but then she realised what the Tsuchikage had said and she frowned.

"Chojuro."

"How can I protect Mizukage if I'm on this team?"

"Boy I'll have to be protecting you. Young folk can't even look after themselves, we old guys always have to jump in and save the day," Tsuchikage ranted.

Chojuro stood silently next to Hinata who was trembling...with rage, how dare that Tsuchikage insult her while trying to hide it in a compliment.

"Tayuya."

"This team sucks. What a shitty leader."

"Have you no respect for elders?" Tsuchikage asked.

"Hmm, let's see, let me just check my pockets and my bra – NO!"

Tsuchikage refrained from doing anything drastic and he called out the next name, "Kakashi."

Nobody came forward.

"Kakashi," Tsuchikage said again.

There was no response.

"Kakashi!" he shouted.

"Hm?" Kakashi said, looking up from his Icha Icha Tactics, "Oh, sorry." He stood next to Tayuya.

"Aaah! My ultimate rival! That delayed reaction was hip and makes my blood of youth boil, I will make sure that my team beats your team," Gai said, with the fire in his eyes.

"Darui."

Darui walked forward lazily and stood next to Kakashi.

"Itachi."

"Tsuchikage's team? This will be a great team."

"Really - " Tsuchikage began.

"Is what I would say if this team didn't lack hatred. But really, I'm glad to be on this team."

"Reall - "

Itachi interrupted again, "Is what I would be if you all weren't weak. And do you know why you're weak?"

"Because we lack hatred?" Tsuchikage asked.

"No, because Tayuya's on this team, " Itachi said.

"Uhm...Suigetsu."

Suigetsu lifted up his sword, "I'm going to lead this team to victory!"

"_Sure_ you are, waterboy," Itachi said, "Hey, you can be our waterboy."

"Damn Uchiha's, thinking they're better than everyone else..." Suigetsu said.

"In my case, it's a rock solid fact," Itachi said.

"Sasori."

"I hate waiting and they have the audacity to call me last!" Sasori said, looking annoyed.

"Yeah, we can see you're not pulling the strings here man," Itachi told him.

Sasori glared at the puppet joke Itachi made.

"Okay." Madara said to everyone. Now that everyone has been placed on a team, it's time to move on to the first event."

"What is it?" asked Tsuchikage.

"Well If you don't interrupt anymore..."

"Tsuchikage glared, but kept quiet.

"Thank you. Old people these days..." Madara complained.

"BUT, YOU ARE OLDER THAN ME!"

"There you go being technical again. You know Tsuchikage you should-"

"DAMNIT WHAT IS THE FIRST EVENT MADARA! COME ON AND TELL US ALREADY!" Tsunade screamed.

_'Oh, I'll come alright...I'll come so hard...and keep coming...' _Madara thought."Very well. Only because Tsunade-hime asked so nicely. The first event is a baseball competition!"

**AN: Ah...it's that time again...the time where you come to the end of the chapter and click review to tell us your thoughts ^.^ Please Review!**


	3. Baseball

**AN: HANA-01 + INUYONAS = ONE AWESOME ASS COLLABORATION.**

**HERE'S THE NEXT CHAPTER. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!**

**Disclaimer: We Do Not Own Naruto**

**Chapter Three – Baseball**

"A Baseball Competition!"

"Wow. That's cool. Just one question though," Raikage said.

"What?" Madara asked.

"What the hell is Baseball?"

"I heard of this Baseball before," said Sai.

"Really?" asked Sakura.

"Yes. It is a recreational game where you are put into teams. The hitters and the outfielders. The hitters try to hit a ball that the outfielders throw with a wooden bat. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it Sakura."

"Why are you surprised? Should I have heard of it before?"

"Well I thought since No Male in any of the Elemental countries would look at you and get turned on, I thought you would know everything else in the world that involved touching wood."

Sakura punched him.

"Sai is right in his explanation of the game. But before we start the game we have to pick team names."

"I vote Team Mad as our team name," Sai said.

"Of course you would, you little prick," Madara commented.

"I like team Mad as well," Nagato said smirking.

"As I," Sakura agreed.

"Okay fine! Since you all love it we'll be team Mad!" Madara screamed angrily.

"Well I think our team name should be team Beauty," said the Mizukage.

"Team Bitch is more like it." Ino said high fiving Tenten.

"Ok well what about team Forever A-cup," Mei said high-fiving Kurenai.

"What do you think Omoi?" Karui asked him.

"Um...Team um...Team Awesome because...Because we have such awesome Kunoichi on it," he said nervously.

"Aww."

"So sweet."

"Kumo ninja's are so nice."

"He's so right."

Apparently Kurenai, the Mizukage, Ino and Tenten agreed with Omoi.

"...Kiss ass- er I mean ...Very well. You shall be known as team Awesome," Madara declared.

"We're gonna be known as Team We're gonna beat that ass!" Hidan said.

"No, we're gonna be Team Ramen rules!" Naruto shouted.

"No, no I got a better one. Team Jashin will smite thee!"

"NO, Hidan, I have a much better one." Naruto started dramatically, "...We shall be called...Team Sakura...F'KIN SUXXX!"

Team Mad fell over laughing...

...minus Sakura.

A brick hit Naruto in the face.

"I like that. Team Sakura...F'KIN SUXXX!" Hidan said, "What does everyone else think?"

"It's cool," Kidoumaru said.

"It...fits," Matsuri said.

"I...f'kin love it," One Kazekage said with a smirk on his face.

"Very well. So now we have Team Mad, Team Awesome and Team Sakura...F'KIN SUXXX!" Madara stated.

Itachi stepped up in front of the Tsuchikage, "We should call ourselves 'Team You're Gonna Scream."

"Why?" Chojuro asked.

"Because we're going to make them scream," Itachi said, without an expression on his face.

"Why? Are we giving them orgasms or something?" Suigetsu asked.

"If that's the case then, I propose 'Team Icha Icha'," Kakashi said.

Sasori looked disgusted, "Oh no, I don't think so."

Tayuya put her hands on her hips, "Team you're gonna get creamed."

"These names are too long," the Tsuchikage said with a sigh.

"Why don't we let Hinata decide?" Kakashi offered and everyone looked to Hinata. She looked startled and all she could utter was, "N-Naruto-kun."

"Okay, Team Naru – wait a second, NO!" Kakashi said.

"How about...the Epic Team," Darui calmly said.

"I like it," said Chojuro and Suigetsu.

"Great. It personifies me perfectly," said Itachi, still with his deadpan expression.

"Very well...very well...Epic Team," Madara mumbled, angry that he didn't think of it first.

On Tsunade's team, a very heated debate was going on over the naming of the team.

"Team Crush Konoha," Sasuke declared, forgetting that Konoha's hokage was on the team as well as four other Konoha shinobi. They all gave him dangerous looks, Tsunade's was the most dangerous and Madara found it so irresistible it gave him the shivers.

It was Lee who broke the ice, "I have an idea, Team Extreme-wait for it- Lee Dangerous!"

Madara cut in, "I think Team Tsunade-hime sounds just about right."

"NO," Tsunade said.

"Team Bipolar," Jugo said.

Kiba and Shino shook their heads, "It makes us seem like we're loony."

Shikamaru yawned, and looked wearily at his team members, "Team Troublesome."

Everyone turned to look at him.

"That actually has a youthful ring to it," Lee commented.

"Team Troublesome it is!" Madara said quickly, writing it down.

Lastly, it was up to Team Raikage to come up with a name for their team. Gai sensei was the first one to offer up a suggestion, you guessed it – Team Youth. "And I brought green jumpsuits for everyone so we can be a unified team!"

The Raikage looked revolted, "Hell no we ain't wearing that!"

"Agreed, I would look hideous," Karin said.

"In your case, that'll be an improvement," Suigetsu said rather loudly. The Raikage had to restrain Karin and Itachi had to restrain Suigetsu. After the commotion died down, Shi stepped up, "Hmm...how about Team High Voltage?"

"Team High Voltage!" Madara said frantically, writing it down, "There, done, finally, now we can move on to the baseball competition!"

"Wow, you sure are in a hurry," Mizukage said.

"Of course I am, I spent a lifetime planning this!" Madara said, "Now listen up, this is how it's going to go down; Team Mad will go up against Team Sakura fkkn suxx, Team Awesome will be up against the Epic team and Team High Voltage will be facing off against Team Troublesome!"

"TEAM SAKURA F'KIN SUXXX! RULES!" Naruto screamed.

A brick was thrown...

"Hey, how are we gonna play baseball? There is no baseball stadium nearby," Sai asked.

"Tsk Tsk Tsk. You poor little Human boy... I am Madara Uchiha. I can bend Reality. I can do whatever the hell I want."

"Pfft. Yeah right!" said Kiba, "You talk like your Aizen or something."

"I'M BETTER THAN AIZEN! F**K HIM AND HIS UNKNOWN BANKAI!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Sorry for losing composure but, I have anger problems with Aizen. Moving on...I can make a stadium appear."

"Ok..."

"But before that we need something else," Madara said.

"Hotdogs?" Chouji asked.

"No not hotdogs."

"I like hotdogs."

"Tell me something I don't know. But what we need are judges."

"What does the legal system have to do with anything?" Naruto asked.

"Naruto you make dumb people look like Shikamaru," Neji said.

"Oh yeah, Well you make female super models look manly cuz you look girlier..."

"..."

"..."

"...I am self conscious about my looks," Neji sulked

"We need judges to judge the competition," Madara explained.

"So who are the judges?" The Raikage asked.

"I thought you'd never ask..." Madara said evilly. He clapped his hands together.

BOOM!

Three caskets sprung from the ground behind him.

"So you know Edo-Tensei now huh Madara?" Kabuto asked.

"I copied it when you did it Kabuto. You should know that if we Uchiha's don't know a technique and you use it, 11 times out of 10 we're gonna copy it."

Everyone looked at Sasuke.

"What?"

"Did you copy my Shadow clone Sasuke?" Naruto asked with his arms folded.

Sasuke stared with Half lidded eyes.

"Yes Naruto. That's why I used it when we fought Zabuza, I used it when we met Orochimaru in the forest, I owned with it in the third round of the Chuunin exams, I used it against Temari when we were chasing Gaara and I destroyed you with it when we fought in the valley of end. I just love the technique. That's why I use it SOOO much."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"You didn't destroy me with-"

"I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!"

"So who is in the coffins?" Itachi asked.

Madara went and stood by one.

"Well in this one I brought back a former Akatsuki member," Madara explained.

"Is a Pein body in there?" Nagato asked.

"No." Madara answered.

"Aww."

"In this specific coffin is none other than Kisame Hoshigaki."

The lid popped off. Kisame slowly rose from the coffin with his arms folded.

"Hey Kisame," Itachi greeted emotionlessly.

"Hey Itachi," Kisame greeted back. He unfolded his arms and stepped out of the casket and stood in front of it.

Madara walked to the next one.

"And in this one is another powerful shinobi," Madara explained.

"Is Human path in there?" Nagato asked.

"No Nagato Human path is not in here," Madara answered irritably.

"In this coffin is another Shinobi whose power is great enough to take down nations and-"

The lid popped open.

"...You might as well come out now. You ruined the intro," Madara said tiredly.

Orochimaru rose from the coffin.

"Orochimaru!" Sasuke shouted.

"Be calm Sasuke. He can no longer touch you," Juugo commanded.

"He used to touch you Sasuke?" asked Kiba.

Sasuke didn't answer.

"That's ok Sasuke. I understand. I've never really told anyone this but...Kurenai-Sensei used to touch me too..." Kiba said, on the verge of tears...or so Sasuke thought.

"Pfft...You wish I would touch you..." Kurenai muttered under her breath.

"Really?" Asked Sasuke. Finally. SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTOOD!

"No, not really." Kiba then fell over laughing

He was then chidori-ed over and over again.

Kabuto was awestruck at the sight of his former master.

_'I-It really is you. Oh master. Oh Lord Orochimaru how I've missed you. I want you so bad it hurts. When you died my heart broke. It called out for you and kept on calling. I guess you finally heard huh Master. Oh now My beautiful master we must spend time together. The time that was taken from us by He who has committed the irredeemable act of sin. Your murderer Sasuke. Now we can be together forever Orochimaru-sama.'_

Kabuto had a smile on his face at the end of his thoughts.

Kimmimaro was looking worriedly at Kabuto. He was even more worried when he saw the crotch area of Kabuto's pants dampen.

"Did-Did you just have a wet dream Kabuto?" Kimmimaro was deeply worried.

Madara was standing at the last coffin.

"In this coffin-"

"Is Deva Path in their?"

"NO NAGATO NONE OF THE OTHER PEINS ARE HERE!...Now in this coffin-"

The lid popped off.

"To hell with the introductions!" Madara screamed in frustration.

Jiraiya rose from the coffin.

"PERVY SAGE!" Naruto shouted as he glomped Jiraiya.

"Hey GAKI GET OFF ME YOUR GONNA DAMAGE MY BOOK!"

"Book? But how were you writing when you were suppose to be dead?" Naruto asked.

A pen fell from the crotch area of Jiraiya's pants.

"That answers one question. Yet raises so many more," Shikamaru said.

"Ok, the three newly resurrected people are the judges for the competition."

"If Pervy sage is a judge, then My team is sure to win!" proclaimed Naruto.

"No one will be biased my little foxy Jinchuuriki," Madara said mocking Naruto.

"Pervy sage is not bi. He may be perverted but he sure isn't interested in men," Naruto said.

"Damn straight!" Jiraiya agreed with him.

Neji sighed. "Naruto biased means playing favorites."

"Ooooooh," Naruto 'oh'ed, "...so whose bi?"

**One Warp later...**

In a recently made baseball stadium...

Currently in the outfield was Team Mad. On first base was Sai. On second base was Temari. On third base was Nagato. In the outfield in between first and second base was Ao. In the outfield standing between second and third base was Akatsuchi. Standing 20 feet to the left of the pitcher was Samui. Pitching was Sakura Haruno.

Madara was standing by Team Mad's dugout. Team Mad was dressed in black long sleeved shirts with a single red cloud on the front. Black sweat pants with a single red line running down the sides and Black cleats. On the back of the shirts had the word MAD written.

Team Sakura F'KIN SUXXX! was in their own Dugout. Gaara was giving a motivational speech.

He closed his eyes for dramatic effect.

"Three times now. We've fought world wars for our own nations, our own villages. We've hurt one another. We've hated one another."

"What's he talking about?" Naruto whispered to Neji.

"I have no idea," Neji whispered back.

"...that hatred bred a lust for power." Gaara continued, "And that lust for power created **me**."

Gaara opened his eyes.

"I was a Jinchuuriki. The embodiment of hatred and power."

"What the hell does this have to do with anything?" asked Hidan.

"SHH! This is just like Chapter 516," Deidara whispered.

"I hated this world and all the people in it." Gaara continued. "And as I gaze upon your faces, I see the faces of people I hate. I hate all of you."

Matsuri sniffed.

"Except Matsuri. So go out there and win one for the team. Whooooooo," Gaara said in his monotone voice as he raised his fist in the air.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"WHOOOO! I'M PUMPED! YEAH! WE IN THIS BITCH! YEAH!"

Neji shook his head, "Only you Naruto."

"TEAM SAKURA F"KIN SUXXX!" Naruto screamed as he ran out of the dugout with a wooden bat in hand.

He ran over to home plate and got in his hitting stance.

Sakura narrowed her eyes at him.

Standing behind Naruto was the catcher, Jirobou.

Sitting around the stadium were the other teams.

In the announcers booth was the judges. They were sitting at a long desk with a microphone in front of them.

**"And it's a great day for a baseball game fans,"** Jiraiya's voice could heard throughout the stadium.

**"Up batting for team Sakura F'kin Suxxx! is Naruto Uzumaki. A great Ninja if I may say so myself. What do the other judges think?"** Jiraiya asked.

**"He's okay." **Kisame said.

**"He has such a marvelous physique. Look at those muscles. I wouldn't mind being the bat that he's holding,"** said Orochimaru.

**"How dare you think of my student like that you fiend!"**

**"Oh you said Naruto! I thought you said Naruto's best friend Sasuke."**

Sasuke suddenly vomited in the stands.

"Sasuke why did you vomit on me?" Juugo asked with a head full of Sasuke's vomit.

"IT GOT IN MY CHIP BAG," Chouji screamed.

"Whoa..." said Chouji again.

"What's the matter?" Shikamaru asked.

"Deja vu..." Chouji answered.

Sakura stared down Naruto. She gripped the baseball she was holding tighter.

She then proceeded to throw it with super human strength down the middle of the plate.

It went by so fast that Naruto didn't even swing. Jirobou caught the ball.

"Strike one!" said the umpire...who was none other than Tsunade.

"What? That's not fair! Sakura has gorilla arms!"

A brick hit Naruto in the face.

"If I were you gaki I'd watch out for anything every time I see Sakura.

"Excellent..." Madara said evilly. "With Sakura's man strength there isn't any way possible Naruto will hit. Muhahahahahaha...ha"

Naruto recovered and got into the hitting stance.

Sakura threw the ball again.

"Strike two!" said Tsunade.

"GRANNY TSUNADE EVERYTIME YOU SAY STRIKE I DON'T SWING!" Cried Naruto in frustration.

"Naruto, I say strike because you don't swing."

"...ohhhhh. Ok, no more playing around." said Naruto.

He then got into the hitting stance and closed his eyes.

Sakura smirked. "If you couldn't get a hit with your eyes open, what makes you think you can do it with them closed?" She taunted.

She then threw the ball with all of her might.

Time slowed down for Naruto. When the ball was within hitting range, Naruto's eyes shot open revealing the eyes of sage mode. He swung the bat and made contact with the ball in slow motion. Time resumed normally.

The ball was launched with extreme force in the stands.

"What if the stadium blows up?"

"It's not gonna happen Omoi." said Karui.

"What if the ball is hit so hard that it causes a rift in the space time continuum?"

"Omoi stopped dreaming. I bet you don't even get hit with the ball."

**POW!**

"Omoi?" aked Karui.

She looked over and squealed in surprise.

The was a steaming baseball sticking out of Omoi's face. He was unconscious and slumped over.

"...I have the power of being wrong!" screamed Karui.

"HOME RUN BITCHES!" Naruto screamed as he ran around the bases.

Team mad was awestruck.

"Such power," said Sai.

Naruto turned back to normal right after he hit the ball.

Naruto had on an orange long sleeve shirt and white sweat pants, with orange cleats. On the front of the shirt were the words 'Sakura Suxxx' and on the back of the shirt was the words 'Gaara of the Bitches'. Naruto made it back to home plate.

"**And thats a point for Team Sakura F'KIN SUXXX! Only nine more and they win! But can they do it?" **Jiraiya said

**"I think Gorilla arms needs to turn it up a notch or Team Mad will lose," **Kisame said

A brick was launched threw the window of the announcer booth and hit Kisame square in the face.

**"I believe that this will be an interesting matchup because of the fact that these people will probably use Jutsu," **said Orochimaru.

"That's how we roll bitch," said Gaara in his deadly serious voice.

"That's my boy Naruto!" Hidan shouted.

Naruto made it back to the dugout.

"YEAH! WE GOT OUR FIRST POINT!" Naruto screamed.

"So who wants to go out there next?" asked Gaara.

"OOh! Let me do it!" Deidara screamed.

"Get out there and give us another point," Gaara said.

Deidara walked out of the Dugout.

**"Well folks it seems we have an attractive young woman hitting for team Sakura F'KIN SUXXX!" **said Jiraiya.

A vein pulsed on Deidara's forehead.

**"That's not a Woman Jiraiya," **Orochimaru said.

**"Whoa now. Just because she has a chest that would make ironing boards proud, doesn't mean she isn't any less of a woman."**

**"No that's a guy. We used to work with him. Remember we were part of Akatsuki,"** Kisame added.

**"...You mean to tell me that...MY PENIS LIED TO ME?" **Jiraiya cried.

**"That's why I got rid of mine the day I joined Akatsuki. Those things are nothing but trouble," **Orochimaru added.

"..."

"..."

"..."

**"How do you use the bathroom?"**

"I wonder how Orochimaru uses the bathroom. Maybe he keeps his penis in his pocket and only pulls it out when he needs to pee," said Sai.

"Sai you are truly the embodiment of gay," Temari commented.

Deidara stepped up to the plate and got in a hitting stance.

"Bring it on gorilla arms!" he shouted.

Sakura growled.

She threw the ball with more force than necessary. It hit Deidara right in the right eye.

"OOOOH!" said the crowd.

Deidara's head rocketed backwards propelling his body to the ground at a fast pace. He landed on his back with a thud

**IS DEIDARA OK?**

**WILL TEAM SAKURA F'KIN SUXXX! LOSE BECAUSE OF THIS?**

**WILL JIRAIYA EVER TRUST HIS PENIS AGAIN?**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:**

**INUYONAS: AND WE'RE BACK WITH ANOTHER CHAPTER OF ...UM...**

**HANA-01: The Ninja All Star Tour-**

**INUYONAS:THE NINJA ALL STAR TOURNAMENT! I SAID IT FIRST!**

**HANA-01: -_-'...**

**INUYONAS: YEAH SO ENJOY THE AWESOME UPDATE!**

**HANA-01: We do not own Naruto or Naruto Ship-**

**INUONAS: WE DON'T OWN ANYTHING! I SAID IT FIRST!**

**HANA-01:-_-'...**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter Four**

The stadium was deathly silent and Deidara was lying flat on the ground. Sakura was chewing gum loudly and had a devilish glint in her green eyes.

**"Wow, Sakura actually managed to get Deidara on his back, a feat that she has never accomplished with any other man," **Kisame said.

Suddenly, Deidara woke up at an amazing speed.

"**Looks like Deidara-chan is back up again," **Orochimaru said.

"Don't call me Deidara-chan!"

The crowd flinched, but not because of his words, but because Deidara's eye was swollen and turning an interesting shade of purple. He could barely see in front of him.

"Strike one!" Tsunade called.

"Bring it, you pink ape." Deidara said, holding his bat up, the world was so blur at the moment and it looked like there were two Sakura's.

Gasp.

Sakura pitched the ball and Deidara swung the bat – and missed the ball completely, it hit him in the knee and he sank to the ground in pain.

"Strike two!"

"**Blondie over there looks like he is in dire need of a medic right now." **Jiraiya said.

"I'm fine," Deidara said weakly, getting up even though his leg was failing him.

"Hit that bitch for a six!" Hidan yelled.

"Hidan, this is baseball, not cricket," Neji told him.

* * *

"Hold on. The rules of baseball clearly state that if you get hit with the ball, you have to walk to the base." Tenten said.

"Maybe YOU can't handle a few balls to the face, but this is Ninja baseball. If you can't take a ball to the face then you don't deserve to live!" The Mizukage shouted proudly.

"Listen to her Tenten." Ino said. "She probably has a long history of taking balls to her face. I mean doesn't her face just scream 'Insert balls here'. "

Tenten and Ino shared a laugh.

Mei scowled.

* * *

Deidara was back on his feet despite his swollen eye and now swelling kneecap.

Sakura pitched once again and Deidara was squinting, trying to see the ball properly and swung with all his might. The bat connected with the ball and it went soaring above Ao's head.

"Throw the bat and RUN!" Naruto yelled. Deidara flung the bat and started to run but a searing pain shot through his leg and he had to limp all the way to the first base.

"**Ladies and gentlemen, gentlemen who look like ladies and vice versa, it seems like one half of the zombie brothers, Hidan will be batting next for Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx!" **Kisame announced as Hidan emerged from the dugout, swinging his bat so maniacally that Jirobo was in danger of being concussed.

Hidan stood at the plate in the hitter's stance.

"In the name if Jashin...I. WILL. HIT!"

Sakura pitched the ball, again with extreme force and Hidan swung the bat with equally extreme force. The ball was sent into the air and Deidara managed to limp to second base.

"Whooo! Fuck yeah! Home run!" Hidan shouted, throwing the bat down and moving to run.

"Hidan, out!" Tsunade called.

Hidan stopped in his tracks, "What the hell? Why?"

Samui was standing with the ball in her outstretched hand. Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx groaned from the dugout.

"Well shit!" Hidan said, kicking the ground, he looked over at Samui, "Good catch but I'm an even better catch, maybe you and I can make it to third base later."

Samui narrowed her blue eyes at him and threw a well aimed baseball at his head. Hidan was knocked out cold and had to be carried away on a stretcher by some medical ninja's.

"**That young man has some nerve," **Jiraiya said, **"I like him."**

"**I like him too," **Orochimaru nodded.

"**No, I don't like him like that Orochimaru," **Jiraiya clarified.

"**It looks like it's Yamato up next," **Kisame said.

"**I experimented on him when he was just a baby," **Orochimaru said proudly.

"**You are one sick bastard," **Jiraiya said.

"WHOOO! GO GET EM CAPTAIN YAMATO!" Naruto yelled.

"I'm not going to go easy on you, Captain Yamato," Sakura said with a smirk.

Yamato just smiled good-naturedly and lifted his bat. Sakura pitched and Yamato struck the ball where it soared in between Ao and Akatsuchi. Ao ran to get the ball but bounced off Akatsuchi's huge stomach and landed back where he started. Akatsuchi picked up the ball and looked at it while Yamato ran and Deidara limped towards home base.

"Throw the ball and get them out!" Nagato and Madara were screaming.

"NO, EAT THE BALL, EAT IT!" Naruto yelled from the dugout.

Akatsuchi raised the ball to his mouth then seemed to have second thoughts and threw it. It rolled and landed near Temari's feet, but it was no use, Deidara and Yamato were safe.

"**So Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx has three points, I wonder how the Team Leaders are feeling right now," **Jiraiya said.

"Those Mad Bitches are going down," Gaara said in monotone.

"Gorri – I mean Sakura, put more muscle into it," Madara said stiffly, "Time to massacre these imbeciles."

"Hai!" Sakura said, facing her new opponent who was Matsuri.

_I have to hit a home run...for Gaara-sama, _thought Matsuri as she clutched the bat and waited. Sakura pitched violently and Matsuri ducked down and covered her head.

"Strike one!" Tsunade called.

Madara was grinning evilly behind his mask. Matsuri stood up shakily and gulped when another of Sakura's dangerous pitches came her way but at the last second she jumped and hid behind Jiroubo.

"Strike two."

Matsuri got back into position, feeling embarrassed.

_I'm going to hit it this time..._

But she didn't.

"Three strikes, you're out!" Tsunade shouted.

Matsuri walked dejectedly back to the dugout where Naruto patted her on her back, "Don't worry, we'll still beat their asses."

"Naruto is right," Gaara ensured her.

"NEJI GET OUT THERE!" Naruto shouted, shoving Neji out of the dugout. Neji stumbled onto the field, cursing Naruto.

"**Ooh, the Hyuga prodigy is up next," **Orochimaru said, licking his lips, **"Now he has hair that I would love to run my hands through."**

Neji felt nauseous at that comment and ignored that sniggers from everyone on the field.

"Aren't you missing something?" Sakura asked with a raised eyebrow.

Neji glared at her until he realised what was missing.

"NEJI YOU FORGOT YOUR BAT!" Naruto yelled and threw it to him. Neji caught it and vowed to get some of his dignity back by hitting a home run. He activated his byakugan and channelled some chakra through the bat. Sakura pitched the ball and Neji swung, effortlessly blasting the ball clear out of the stadium. Neji smirked and ran to home base while his team cheered happily.

"**Superb," **Orochimaru said, drooling.

"**Four points to Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx. Team Mad isn't out of it yet, this could still go either way," **Kisame said.

"I'll be going next," Asuma lazily walked to the home plate. He then got into a lazy hitter's stance.

**"Up batting for team Sakura F'KIN SUXXX! is Asuma Sarutobi. Look at him puffing on that cigarette. Apparently he likes gently sucking on things. I guess him and I have more in common than Sakura and King Kong."**

**"Hey now whoa Orochimaru." **Jiraiya started**. "That was a low blow. How dare you compare a hairy, ferocious, brainless, unruly animal beast...to King Kong."**

**"..."**

**"..."**

**"..."**

**" I'm just waiting on the bricks that are due to come crashing through the window again." **said Kisame.

Sakura threw the ball with all of her might.

Jirobo caught the ball.

Tsunade called a strike.

THEN Asuma swung.

"What the hell?" Deidara said. "Is he high?"

"Come on Asuma-san. You can do it." Yamato said quietly.

"Jirobo threw the ball back to Sakura.

"I think this is going to be easy." said Sakura as she threw the ball again. It zoomed down the middle of home plate.

Jirobo caught the ball.

Asuma then swung the bat.

"Strike two!" Tsunade screamed.

Team Sakura F'KIN SUXXX! groaned.

"DO YOU WANT SAND IN YOUR ASS?" Gaara shouted clearly irritated.

"Hey Gaara we should calm down."

Surprisingly this came from Naruto.

"Yeah, Naruto's right. We shouldn't be yelling at him. We should be encouraging him." Hidan said with a peaceful smile on his face and holding an ice-pack on his head.

"See even Hidan agrees with me. We should-"

"STRIKE THREE! YOU'RE OUT! TEAM MAD IS HITTING NOW!"

"GODDAMNIT ASUMA-SENSEI! YOU SUCK! AND NOT GENTLY LIKE THAT ANNOUNCER GUY SAID! YOU SUCK HARD!" Naruto screamed.

"YOU DAMN *&%^& WHY THE &%*% ARE YOU SO $&&^% &%*%^$&&$^ $^&**&^^&%&&$&^ MOTHER ^&$^&$^&$^$^ SAKURA'S FACE!" Hidan screamed.

Asuma walked sadly to the outfield... so did the rest of Team Sakura F'KIN SUXXX! Team Mad all left the field cheering.

They were all in the dugout. Madara was giving a motivational speech.

"...Uchiha's rule. NOW GET OUT THERE AND WIN!" He screamed.

Nagato was the first one sent to the outfield for Team Mad.

"**Let's hear it for my former student!" **Jiraiya said.

"**He looks rather frail...can he handle this kind of hardball?" **Kisame wondered.

"**There is only one way to find out..." **Orochimaru leered.

Kidomaru was pitching for TSFS, and behind Nagato was Yamato who was the catcher. Asuma was standing at first base, Matsuri was at second base and Naruto was at third base. Neji stood in the outfield between first and second base while Deidara was in the outfield between second and third base. Hidan stood 20 feet to the left of the pitcher.

"**The pitcher has quite the number of arms," **Jiraiya commented.

"**That could become confusing for the opposition," **Kisame noted.

Nagato was clutching the bat like a lifeline, oh how he longed to beat Madara senseless with it, but that would come later. Right now the fate of the entire team rested on his shoulders, well not really, but that's how pressurized he felt.

Kidomaru pitched and Nagato swung and successfully hit the ball. He flung the bat and ran like hell while Neji chased after the ball.

"**Home run for Team Mad and they're off to a spectacular start," **Kisame said, **"Just look at the crowd going wild there."**

"**Forget the crowd, look at who's just come in to bat, I wanna hit **_**that**_**," **Jiraiya said, salivating over the microphone.

Samui got into her hitting stance.

"**Just bend a little more…mmm yeah, that's right. What I wouldn't give to be Yamato right now," **Jiraiya said.

Samui looked annoyed but focused her attention on the pitcher. While Kidomaru didn't have Sakura's super strength, his pitches were also fast and hard. Unfortunately, Samui was able to hit it and it landed near Hidan who picked it up.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? THROW THE GODDAMN BALL AND GET HER OUT!" Naruto yelled as Samui ran.

Hidan looked dazed, "No…just let her run…look at them go up and down…up and down."

Even Gaara was nodding his head appreciatively.

"**Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx better kick it up a gear if they plan on winning this match," **Kisame said.

Sai came out the dugout with a bat in hand.

"Come on Sai. You can do it." Madara said.

"I will try Oldman-sama."

"...Don't call me old. And if you are, at least put a space between the words 'Old' and 'man'." said Madara.

Sai looked at him puzzled.

"What are you talking about." Sai asked.

"Look, if you're going to ask me a question then please make sure there's a question mark at the end of your sentence."

"I'm lost"

"Oh, and now we're forgetting periods too?"

Sai walked away from Madara.

"Illiterate boob..." the ancient Uchiha muttered under his breath.

Sai stepped up to home plate.

Kidomaru grinned evilly. He put the ball in his second right arm.

"This is my favorite arm." Kidomaru said.

**"That's my favorite arm too." **said Orochimaru.

**"You don't have a second right arm." **Jiraiya commented clearly confused.

**"...I wasn't talking about on my body..."**

"..."

**"...You are one disgusting ass ninja. I've seen people eat people, Jutsu's rip bodies apart, and even mother's who rape their kids' puppies, but YOU Orochimaru...You top all of that..."** Kisame said.

"**What kinda childhood did YOU have?"** asked the Toad sage.

Sai stared at Kidomaru with that blank expression.

Kidomaru glared at Sai.

Sai kept staring.

Kidomaru kept glaring.

Sai stared.

Kidomaru glared harder.

Sai kept stared

The spider ninja glared even harder.

Sai stared-

"ENOUGH OF THIS GAY CRAP! THROW THE BALL!" Naruto screamed.

"HOW COME THEY KEEP STARING!" Hidan asked loudly.

Kidomaru threw the ball with all his might from his second right arm.

It closed in on Sai fast.

It got closer...

and closer..

and closer...

and-

* * *

**AN- TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT REVIEW ALL FOUR CHAPTERS! LOL**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN- WE'RE BACK WITH ANOTHER EXCITING CHAPTER OF THE NINJA ALL STAR TOURNAMENT!**

**HOLD THE APPLAUSE TILL AFTER YOUR DONE READING...AND THEN CLAP.**

**THANX TO HANA-01 FOR A FABULOUS JOB ON THIS CHAPTER...WITHOUT HER I (INUYONAS) WOULD BE LOST...**

**SHE'S SO AWESOME! :)**

**AND HANA-01 WOULD LIKE TO THANK INUYONAS FOR HIS INPUT OF GENIUS HUMOUR. HE ROCKS!**

**ENJOY!  
**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter Five**

Kidomaru threw the ball with all his might from his second right arm.

It closed in on Sai fast.

It got closer...

and closer..

and closer...

and-

Sai missed the ball completely and spun around on the plate a few times like a ballerina.

"**Sai seems a bit dizzy, he probably can't handle the heat that Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx is packing," **Jiraiya said.

Sai simply ignored the mixture of boo's and cheers and resumed his hitting stance with a pokerface. Kidomaru moved the ball into his second left hand. Sai concentrated on that arm and Kidomaru pitched, but it suddenly was in his other arm, and Sai missed again.

Madara wanted to bite his nails but his mask was in the way so he settled for grinding his teeth, which was a big mistake because this was the new set of false teeth that he had put in last week.

"**And Sai misses again. He is too stiff, he needs to be more flexible," **Kisame said.

"**Yes, yes, but he has an exquisite body. I love that midriff bearing shirt which shows off his toned abs. Look at that soft dark hair and those intense dark eyes and that pale skin that I adore," **Orochimaru said, and a dreamy sigh escaped his lips.

Jiraiya looked concerned, **"Um, Orochimaru, your pants…"**

**"Hold on a minute, Jiraiya. I thought Orochimaru got rid of his penis."**

**"...He did Kisame." **Jiraiya responded**.**

**"...Then what the hell is THAT?"**

**

* * *

**

A single tear rolled down Kabuto's cheek as his heart was slowly shattering into a million tiny fragments. He hated it when his beautiful Master took interest in other men.

_'Don't you understand how emotionally and physically devoted I am to you Master? What more can I do so that you will have eyes only for me? I even saved your penis from when you cut it off. It reminds me to think about you every night before I go to sleep...It also feels soooooo good when I-'_

*Due to the Utter disgustingness and yaoi nature of seticular character's thoughts, it will not be shown. Instead the equivalent of Sakura's value will be shown.*

Nothing.

Kabuto looked at Sai who had just struck out again, and then to Sasuke and Itachi.

_Dark haired males huh? Oh Master, that can be arranged. I'll do it just for you, _Kabuto thought while touching his long grey hair.

* * *

"Sai, you're out!" Tsunade informed him as he was just standing there with a blank look on his face.

Madara wasted no time as he ran onto the outfield and started shaking the living daylights out of Sai. "What display of mediocrity is this? We need to win! WIN!"

"My – apologies – Oldman – sama," Sai said, with his head being rocked back and forth.

"Even though I'm ancient I could still hit better than you!" Madara shouted.

"Hah! So you admit it! You admit that you're ancient!" Tsuchikage shouted from the stands.

Madara turned, with Sai still in his grip, "At least I've still got it going on," he gestured to himself with his free hand, "While you're short, bald and you have what looks like a potato for a nose."

"Well there must be a reason you wear that mask – to hide all your wrinkles, moles and liver spots!" the Tsuchikage countered.

"For your information, I hide my face to shield myself from the amorous advances of young woman who find my youthful visage utterly irresistible," Madara suddenly drawled in an English accent.

Tsunade strode over to where Madara was still verbally and physically abusing Sai.

"Madara! I cannot allow you to manhandle the players! Let go of him at once before I disqualify your team," Tsunade ordered.

Madara calmed down at the sound of her voice and let go of Sai.

"Sorry Tsunade-hime, it won't happen again," Madara assured her.

"Good!" Tsunade said, turning and walking back to her spot.

Madara watched her retreating and let out a low whistle.

_Oh Tsunade, I love it when you take charge and boss me around, that's so incredibly hot!_

* * *

Yamato was sitting down in the catcher's position and sweating profusely from the heat in the stadium when suddenly a huge shadow was cast over him. He looked up slowly and realised that Akatsuchi had come in to bat for Team Mad.

In the stands, Tenten turned to Ino_, _"So who are you supporting?"

"Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx!" Ino replied.

"But Sakura is on Team Mad…" Tenten said, knowing that the girls were friends.

"So? Naruto's on Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx!" Ino said happily, "He's Konoha's hero, we should be supporting his team."

Tenten looked confused, "Oh…okay. I guess I'll support Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx! too since Neji is there."

"Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx! have no chance of winning," Mei commented.

"Just like how you have no chance of getting a man, you hag," Ino said.

Tenten high-fived Ino and they began cheering loudly for TSFS.

Mei got angry.

She emitted a sound that can best be described as an angry cat and she launched herself at Ino and Tenten, clawing at them. This scene, which was so disturbing yet erotic (as described by Jiraiya) will have to be replaced by the gameplay.

Akatsuchi had hit the ball into the air, it was hit so high and with such force that it soared straight up and became invisible to the naked eye, until it began plummeting down again.

"I'm going to catch this, believe it!" Naruto exclaimed, running around underneath the ball. He dived forward at the last second and caught the ball firmly in his hand.

"Yay!" he said, holding the ball up triumphantly.

"Out!" Tsunade yelled.

The stadium erupted into cheers.

"**No prizes for guessing who are the favourites in this matchup," **Jiraiya said, grinning.

"**The Kazekage's team is back on track and are playing to win. That was a good catch by the Kyubi Jinchuuriki," **Kisame commented.

"**What are your thoughts, Orochimaru?" **Jiraiya asked.

Orochimaru didn't comment because he had been gone to the bathroom for a while now.

**"And again, I ask...Why is he in the bathroom...with no penis?" **Kisame said.

**"Maybe he's emptying is Penisless hole."**

**"If it's a hole...wouldn't that be his Vagina then?"**

**"No because it once was a penis. It's a fusion of Penis and Vagina"**

**"So...Vagenis...?...Pegina?...Venus?..."**

**"I have no clue Kisame.."**

**

* * *

**

Ino emerged from the scuffle with her hair undone and her shirt half ripped, "Great catch, Naruto-kun!"

Naruto turned his head and saw Ino smiling at him from the stands.

_Did Ino just call me Naruto-kun?_ He thought with some confusion, but he scratched his head and grinned at her.

In the stands, an indigo haired girl angrily dug her fingernails into the knee of the person sitting next to her. "Only I am allowed to call him Naruto-kun," she said in a low voice that sounded so sweet yet so menacing.

"Get your Hyuga hand off _me_," Itachi said with disgust.

Hinata suddenly remembered herself and stopped her attempt at inflicting pain on Itachi, "I-I'm s-sorry."

But she frowned again when she noticed that her blonde crush was smiling at that dumb blonde bimbo, Ino.

In the dugout, a pink haired ape – I mean girl, swung her bat into the concrete wall and made an impressive dent in it. _That Ino-pig!_

"Save that aggression for the field," Madara told her.

"Hell yeah!" Sakura said, walking onto the outfield.

**"And hitting for Team Mad is none other than Gorilla arms herself, Sakura Haruno." **said Jiraiya.

**"She's gonna go ape shit on that ball." **Kisame commented.

Kidomaru threw the ball from his third right arm with the strength a sound four member could have.

Sakura gripped the bat even tighter. When the ball was close enough she swung the bat with all her might, connecting with the ball so hard that it actually bent a little before soaring high in the air.

"RUN GORILLA!" Madara screamed.

Sakura darted for first base...

…with the bat still in her hand.

"I GOT IT!" shouted Deidara.

The ball started to descend toward him. He ran to get under to where the ball was falling.

Sakura noticed this.

_'Oh no you don't. One blonde ruining my life is enough. I don't need another one.'_

So Sakura made a decision. One that would change the course of this game forever.

She hurled the bat she was still carrying with chakra reinforced strength toward Deidara's form while she was running toward first base.

* * *

**"Sakura Haruno has thrown the bat!" **Jiraiya said.

**"That can't be legal can it?" **asked Orochimaru.

**"When did you get back?"**

**"As soon as I sensed wood flying through the air."**

**

* * *

**

"That's not fair! She's going to kill him with the strength she has!" Ino shouted.

"That was so...evil of you Sakura...maybe I've been wrong about you." Sasuke said smirking to himself.

The ball was almost within Deidara's reach. He jumped in the air to make sure he caught the ball.

"Almost got it..." he muttered.

It was 12 inches away from his palm...

10 inches...

8 inches..

6 inches...

4 inches...

2 inches...

"I GOT IT!"

_**THWACK!**_

_**

* * *

**_

**"THE BAT HIT HIM IN THE FACE! AND HE WAS SO CLOSE TOO!" **Kisame shouted.

**"THAT'S NOT MORALLY CORRECT!" **Jiraiya shouted as well.

**"THIS IS NINJA BALL. IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE WOOD TO THE FACE THEN YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE A NINJA!" **Commented Orochimaru.

**"You handled it before?" **

**"Me and the Mizukage..."**

Cue the laughter surrounding an enraged Mei.

* * *

"Damn her!" Shouted Gaara sending an involuntary wave of sand from his body.

"I never knew she had it in her." Madara said.

The bat hit Deidara smack dab in the nose knocking him far away from the still falling ball.

**"It looks like Sakura has earned her base." **said Jiraiya

The ball was still falling. It seemed like there was no hope to get Sakura out. Deidara was sprawled on the ground 20 feet away barely conscious and no one was near the ball...

But suddenly...

**BOOM!**

Out of the ground right beneath the falling ball emerged a hand. The ball fell right into the palm of this hand.

**"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I DON'T BELIEVE MY EYES SOMEONE HAS CAUGHT THE BALL!" **Shouted the perverted hermit.

"What?" Sakura growled from first base.

Then the rest of the body followed.

**"That blonde hair!"**

**"Those whisker marks!"**

**"That wonderful physique!"**

**"NARUTO UZUMAKI HAS JUST CAUGHT THE BALL WHILE BEING UNDERGROUND! MY PUPIL WHO IS ALSO A SAGE HAS DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE!"**

"WAY TO GO NARUTO!" Neji shouted.

"Well done." Yamato said.

"That's Naruto. Always doing the impossible." Gaara said smirking.

"HELL YEAH! THAT'S MY NINJA! YEAH!" Hidan said ecstatic that Naruto caught the ball.

"NARUTO-KUN IS SO AWESOME!" Ino shouted waving frantically from the stands.

"That was pretty awesome." said Tenten.

"He's my student." Kakashi said.

"Well he's best friends with my brother." Itachi commented.

"...I've seen him Naked..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...When the hell did you get here Iruka-sensei?" Shikamaru asked.

* * *

The Naruto that caught the ball threw it to the third basemen.

Which was also Naruto.

"Shadow clones eh?" Madara said. "Pretty clever."

**"That was so intense. This truly is a Ninja ball game. Right Orochimaru?" **Jiraiya said.

**"I-I g-gotta go! It was too intense for me to handle!" **

He ran out the announcer's booth to the bathroom.

**"It was too much for his man-gina to handle." **Remarked Kisame.

* * *

Temari was sitting with her head in her hands as Jiraiya announced that it was TSFS to hit again, "My team sucks."

Madara glared at her.

"I do not suck. My name isn't Mei, Sakura, or Orochimaru if you mean the literal sense of the word suck." he said.

"Whatever."

Team Mad exited the dugout and TSFS was re-entering with Deidara being dragged by Hidan and Asuma. Sakura bumped Naruto on the way out. "You're going down," she snarled.

"On you? Never. I don't want an STD."

Team Mad took their positions in the outfield and Sakura was pitching while Kidomaru was now having his turn to hit.

"**He is using my favourite arm again," **Orochimaru said.

"**I feel compelled to ask why that's your favourite arm," **Kisame said.

Orochimaru just smiled creepily, **"Well, back when I used to have a pe - "**

"**NEVERMIND, LET'S GET BACK TO THE GAMEPLAY!" **Kisame shouted quickly.

Sakura pitched wildly, she was still enraged about Naruto getting her out. The ball soared over Kidomaru's head and into the stands where Ino ducked just in time to avoid getting hit. The Mizukage wasn't so lucky.

"**Ball to the face! She takes it like a true ninja!" **Jiraiya said as Mei hurled the ball back at Sakura.

"Nice going, Forehead!" Ino called.

Sakura ignored this and took a deep breath, she had to focus on the game. She pitched and Kidomaru swung and hit the ball. It flew above Temari who was getting ready to catch it but it fell just short of her grasp.

"YOU SUCK!" Madara couldn't help screaming in frustration. Temari gave him the finger.

Kidomaru ran and scored a home run for his team.

"YEAH SPIDERMAN OWNS ALL YOU MAD BITCHES!" Naruto yelled.

"Well done. We now need five more points to win. No one can afford to get out now because Deidara is in no condition to hit…" Gaara was saying. A low moan of pain came from Deidara's swollen face.

"I wanna go next!" Naruto said, taking his bat and running out onto the field. Sakura gave him a very scary grin as she pitched. "This is a speed I can handle!" Naruto said as he swung, but suddenly he felt the ground open up and swallow him.

Sakura was standing with her fist to the ground and there was a huge crack where the earth was. Naruto climbed out looking dazed and got into hitting stance again.

"**Yet another obstacle added to the field, now everyone has to worry about falling into holes," **Kisame said.

"**Speaking of holes, Orochimaru how do you use the bathroom?" **Jiraiya asked.

"**Come with me to the bathroom and I will show you, Jiraiya."**

Jiraiya gagged, **"No thank you."**

Sakura pitched again and Naruto knew that the only way he had a hope of hitting was to go into sage mode again.

"**Look at him go! Home run for Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx!" **Jiraiya said in excitement.

"**Kyubi's got talent," **Kisame said.

Orochimaru licked his lips.

Hidan went in next, "By the powers invested in me by Jashin I will not be distracted and I will HIT!"

He walked to the outfield with grim determination, "Hit me with your best shot, Gorilla-chan!"

Sakura did indeed give him her best shot and the baseball hit him full force in the groin. Hidan sank to his knees and groaned in agony, "Oh my Jashin! Holy fuck! Son of a bitch! Fucking hell!"

"**Oooh a ball to the balls, that's gotta hurt!" **Jiraiya said.

"**I'm surprised that masochist is down on his knees," **said Kisame.

Hidan woke up, "Just kidding fuckers, thanks Gorilla, I enjoyed that."

Sakura was looking shocked and confused. While Hidan was busy winking at Samui, Sakura pitched again and Jirobo caught the ball.

"Strike two," Tsunade called.

"I wasn't ready!" Hidan said in indignation.

"**So much for Jashin improving his concentration," **Kisame said.

Sakura pitched another fastball and Hidan swung and missed.

"Strike three, out!"

"FUCK!" Hidan said, throwing his bat on the ground while stomping off. Asuma emerged from the dugout to hit next and Hidan grabbed his shirt, "You better hit a home run or I will fucking kill you…again."

Asuma took a drag from his cigarette and blew the smoke into Hidan's face and walked off to the plate.

"COME ON ASUMA-SENSEI! SWING WHEN THE BALL COMES TO YOU AND NOT AFTER!" Naruto yelled.

"**Let's take a recap of the situation. Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx currently have six points and Team Mad have two. Team Mad need to get two more players out if they want to bat next and have any hope of winning," **Jiraiya said.

* * *

Kakuzu was going through the crowd, "Come on people, place your bets here."

"Three hundred ryo on Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx!" Karui said.

"What if they lose? Then you will lose all of your money…but if you bet on Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx then they might also lose," Omoi was saying.

"Gah! Give it a rest Omoi! Okay I bet 500 ryo that the guy at the plate will hit a home run!" Karui said.

"Very well," Kakuzu said.

There was suddenly a loud cheer from the crowd and Ino was jumping up and down, "Asuma-sensei did it!"

Omoi stared open-mouthed at Karui.

"Wow, I have the power of being right too!" Karui said as Kakuzu grudgingly handed her the money and trudged off.

* * *

In the dugout, Madara was banging his head against the wall repeatedly while muttering, "Why oh why was I the great Madara Uchiha disgraced with such a team?"

Gaara was smirking, "Get in there Matsuri and do it for the team."

"Hai!"

Matsuri skipped into the outfield and faced Sakura. _There's going to be no ducking and diving this time!_

She was surprised when her bat connected with the ball and the ball went flying. She stood shocked. "I hit it! I hit the ball!"

"That's great Matsuri! NOW RUN!" Naruto called.

Matsuri ran past first base. Ao picked the ball up and threw it to Sai just as Matsuri was nearing second base. Sai and Matsuri collided at the base at the same time.

"Matsuri is in!" Tsunade called.

Gaara let out the breath he was holding, "Well done Matsuri," he said softly.

"**That was so exciting I almost had to go to the bathroom again!" **Orochimaru commented, **"Just watching Sai run with the wind in his hair and ball in hand made me sweat!"**

"You're next, Captain Yamato. I know you can do it!" Naruto said, grinning and clapping him on the back.

"**Hitting for Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx! is Konoha's very own master of the wood element!" **Jiraiya announced as Yamato took up his position at the plate.

**"Speaking of wood-" **Orochimaru started.

**"You mean the kind you don't have?" **Jiraiya interrupted

**"No the kind he likes to taste..." **Kisame added.

**"I think they are one in the same Kisame."**

**

* * *

**

Sakura's first pitch narrowly missed Yamato's nose, the second one hit Jirobo in the head. Everyone in the stadium tensed up when Sakura's third pitch reached Yamato – he swung and set the ball soaring past Akatsuchi.

Matsuri wasted no time as she ran towards home base, Yamato followed soon after her.

Madara was curled up in a ball and refusing to watch the rest of the match.

Neji sauntered on to the field for his turn to hit. He activated his byakugan which gave him a nice 360° view of the field.

"Whoohoo! Go Neji! If you hit that then you can hit _this_ later!" Tenten shouted, being caught up in all the excitement and adrenalin, she lifted up her shirt and flashed him like she was at a rock concert.

Just as Sakura pitched, Neji had a massive nosebleed, as did Jiraiya and several other members of the crowd. "Such youth," Gai said, wiping tears from his eyes.

"Strike one!"

_Uh oh…_Neji thought as Sakura's second pitch came towards him. He swung the bat weakly and missed the ball.

"Strike two!"

"**Tenten's display may just be Neji's downfall," **Kisame said.

"**If he gets out, the injured Deidara may have to come out and play. Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx only needs one more point to win this," **Jiraiya said.

Neji was still weak from the blood loss and struck out for the third time. He hung his head in shame and walked back to the dugout.

"NEJI YOU PERV!" Naruto yelled.

"Deidara, we have no choice, you have to get out there and play," Gaara told the long-haired blonde who looked mangled. He groaned and sat up, Hidan handed him the bat and pushed him out of the dugout.

The crowd began cheering and Deidara looked around himself through his swollen eyelids and noticed all the banners reading 'Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx Rules!'. He smiled and walked up to the plate. _I can do this!_

"You again?" Sakura asked with a smirk, "This will be too easy."

"That's what you think, un."

"**Hold on to your seats everybody! As it stands, Team Mad need to get one more player out in order to hit again but Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx need one more point to win this match!" **Jiraiya announced excitedly.

Sakura raised her arms over her head and Deidara mirrored her movements and lifted his bat, Sakura raised her leg and brought her arms down, releasing the ball. Deidara braced himself as the white blur got closer…

…and closer

…even closer…

THWACK!

"NOOO!"

* * *

**Did ball connect with bat or with Deidara's flesh?**

**Find out…next time.**

**PLEASE REVIEW! **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: IT'S HANA-01 AND INUYONAS BACK WITH ANOTHER EPIC, ADRENALINE FILLED CHAPTER OF THE NINJA ALL STARS TOURNAMENT!**

**WE WOULD ALSO LIKE TO THANK PSYCHOTIC NIGHT FOR AN IDEA INCLUDED IN THIS CHAPTER!**

**WE WOULD ALSO LIKE LIKE TO THANK ALL THOSE WHO REVIEWED...ESPECIALLY LADY CRACK CUZ THAT USERNAME IS AWESOME LOL**

**Chapter 6**

**

* * *

**

THWACK!

"NOOO!"

"Aaaaargh!"

There was a dramatic "Ooooh" from the crowd.

"DAMN!" Naruto shouted cringing as if he were in pain.

"LOOK AT HER FACE!" Hidan shouted pointing at team Mad's pitcher.

**"That's gotta hurt…" Jiraiya said with a grimace.**

Deidara's bat fell to the ground.

Sakura was holding her face where moments before the ball had struck her after Deidara had hit it. On its trajectory, it smacked her in the face and then went soaring towards Ao.

Sakura's nose looked worse than Jiraiya's when he had the opportunity of being confronted with a naked woman.

"You know, Sakura looks even better like that." Sasuke said.

Despite his condition, Deidara bolted around the bases toward home, going as fast as his injuries could carry him. Ao made a spectacular dive for the ball but he missed it completely as Deidara made it to home base, huffing and puffing and clutching at his side.

A scream resounded throughout the entire stadium – it came from Madara Uchiha who ran into the outfield like a madman, he grabbed Ao, "WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE A BYAKUGAN IF YOU CAN'T PUT IT TO GOOD USE?"

Meanwhile, the entire stadium burst into cheers.

"WE WON THIS BITCH! YEAH!" Naruto shouted, as they all shared a group hug.

"WE'RE FUCKING AWESOME!" declared Hidan, holding Deidara so tightly that the injured man's circulation was getting cut off and he was turning even more purple.

"TEAM SAKURA F'KIN SUXXX!"

"THAT BITCH F'KIN SUXXX!"

A brick crashed into Hidan's face.

"Well done, Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx!" said Gaara with a smirk.

* * *

**"Let's hear it for Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx! Winner of the first baseball tournament in the Ninja All Stars Tournament!" **Kisame announced.

**"I'm so glad that this team of strong, good-looking men won. I will go and personally interview them later in the locker rooms…" **Orochimaru said, salivating.

**"There are no locker rooms Orochimaru." **Kisame added.

**"That means I get to **_**Interview**_** out in the open."**

Kisame was deathly afraid to ask what Orochimaru meant by Interviewing.

Hell even Hana-01 and Inuyonas didn't know.

And they were writing it.

**"Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx now have a point to their name," **Jiraiya said as Konohamaru adjusted the scoreboard that was displayed in the stadium,

**"Better luck next time, Team Mad!"**

**

* * *

**

Madara was about to burst a blood vessel as he confronted his team in the outfield.

Then he did bust a blood vessel. But luckily his mask hid it.

"How dare you make a mockery of me out there! At this rate I'll be the laughingstock of the tournament! Oh the disgrace! The humiliation! You all have besmirched the Uchiha name!" Madara ranted unreasonably, "All I wanted was to win, was that too much for an old man to ask?"

Team Mad hung their heads in shame…except Temari.

"Permission to join a new team," she said, raising her hand.

"Permission denied you worthless dirty blonde." Madara as beyond angry.

He was SUPER angry.

* * *

**"And now we ask that epic team and team awesome please come to the field." **Jiraiya announced

**"I hear the Mizukage's team is favored to win." **Kisame said**.**

**"Who ever told you that must not know who is on the Tsuchikage's team. He has Itachi Uchiha. ITACHI F'KIN UCHIHA!" **Jiraiya exclaimed.

**"Oh shit! You mean THE Itachi Uchiha? The Anbu at the tender age of 13 who slaughtered his clan, with little help from Madara? The same man who Orochimaru challenged and Itachi came out on top?" **Kisame said in disbelief.

**"Oh he could be on top any day."**

**"You mean the same Itachi Uchiha that-GODDAMNIT OROCHIMARU! WATCH WHERE YOU PUT YOUR ANTI-PENIS!"**

**

* * *

**

Team Awesome and Epic team made their way down to the field.

"Team Awesome will hit first," Tsunade told them.

"Very well," Mei said, and lead her team to the dugout to give them a motivational speech, "I can't have you making me look bad out there in front of Madara-sama."

"…"

"What I mean is…we have to win so that I can impress Ma – I mean so that WE can be even better than Tsunade and her team!"

"But we're playing against the Tsuchikage's team…" Kurotsuchi pointed out.

"Do you want to win or become the expert at stating the obvious?" Mei snapped.

"_Cough _bitch _cough_."

That came from Tenten.

You could say that this team definitely lacked that thing called team spirit.

Team Awesome were dressed in electric pink shirts with a big white 'A' on the back, white sweat pants and pink cleats.

"Ugh, I look hideous in this…" Kimimaro complained.

"Mmm that Kurenai kunoichi sure looks tasty," Zetsu said, looking at Kurenai who was leaning sexily against the wall.

"And again, I hope you mean that in a sexual sense," Kimimaro said worriedly. He got even more worried when he heard Zetsu's stomach rumble.

Omoi was scheduled to hit first.

"What if I get out with the first ball? What if I get hit with the ball…again? What if I swing too hard and I knock myself out with my own bat?"

"What if you stop worrying for nothing! How could you possibly hit yourself with your own bat?" Karui said, shaking her head in disdain.

"Hey! It could happen…it could happen to anybody…it could even happen to you…"

"No way…" Karui said.

Mei strode over to Omoi and laid a hand on his shoulder and leaned in close to him, "Tell you what…if you hit a home run, I'll give you a kiss…"

"_Cough _Skank _cough_."

That came from Ino.

Meanwhile, Tsuchikage was busy trying to give his own team a pep talk. He turned around and faced them, "Let's all get - "

"Excuse me Tsuchikage, but I do believe that I am more inspirational than you so let me give the speech," Itachi interrupted.

A vein pulsed in the Tsuchikage's forehead. _Young people of today…_

The Epic team was kitted out in navy shirts with the word 'EPIC' emblazoned on the back, grey sweat pants and dark blue cleats.

"Our capacity is going to be measured by how well we perform in this match. I urge you to pitch with all your might and run…run and catch that ball before the opposition gets a chance to score a home run. We are all capable ninja's…except Tayuya…so we should be able to win effortlessly because we have the one thing that the other team lacks…"

Everyone looked at Itachi expectantly, even Tayuya, she didn't dare disrespect him.

"…Team spirit," Itachi finished.

Chojuro was in tears by the end of Itachi's speech. Who knows if Kakashi even heard it because he was so immersed in his Icha Icha tactics.

Hinata was looking confident, _I will do my best and Naruto-kun will notice me!_

Suigetsu was slurping up his water, Darui was yawning and Sasori was looking impatient.

"Tayuya, I'll make it easy for you, you can stand at first base," Itachi told her, "Suigetsu, you're on second base."

Suigetsu stopped trying to steal Chojuro's sword and grinned with his pointy teeth.

Itachi continued, "Darui, your position is third base. Hyuga female, you're out in the field between first and second base."

"O-okay!"

"Sasori – in the field between second and third base. Chojuro, you will be the catcher. Kakashi, you're pitching."

Kakashi put away his book and held in his hand a shiny new baseball.

"Go forth and conquer!" Itachi told them, moving to his position to the left of the pitcher.

"Yeah…what he said," Tsuchikage added as his team took their positions on the outfield.

Omoi emerged from the dugout looking nervous as hell.

* * *

**"And it begins! Team Awesome up against the Epic team. From the team names and the lineups we are expecting a firecracker of a match!" **Jiraiya announced.

**"The Mizukage sure is hot. If she was the Mizukage back when I was still in the Hidden Mist, I doubt I'd have become a missing nin," **Kisame said with a chuckle.

**"Heh. She isn't all that…" **Orochimaru said.

**"Whoa! What is all that you got there, Orochimaru?" **Jiraiya asked.

**"All my Itachi collectables…I wonder if he'll sign my Itachi plushie when I plan to interview him later," **Orochimaru said.

* * *

"If he comes near me I will kick him in his vagina-balls." Itachi commented.

Omoi stood at the base and got into his hitting stance. He was still nervous but he put on his game face.

_'What if I miss? ...What if I hit and it gets caught?...What if I swing and break the bat?...What if the Mizukage doesn't kiss me?...What if Pein comes back?'_

"DAMNIT BOY! PUT YOUR BOOK AWAY AND THROW THE BALL!" Shouted an enraged Onoki, the third Tsuchikage.

"Ma Ma, You rush things too much."

Just then a blast of dust cashed into Kakashi knocking him on his back and his book out of his hand. Kakashi got up at breakneck speed when he realized his book was gone.

"!" He looked around frantically.

"Hey Kakashi."

Kakashi looked toward the Tsuchikage.

He was holding Kakashi's book in his left hand and a kunai in his right. Onoki brought the Kunai up and held it to the book.

Onoki smiled an evil one.

"Pitch or the book gets it."

"Does that senile old fart think that is actually gonna-"

"STRIKE ONE!" Tsunade screamed cutting off Tayuya.

Chojuro was holding an electrically charged baseball that sparked every few seconds, in his hands.

Omoi had missed.

* * *

**"Apparently folks Kakashi threw the baseball while he activated his Chidori in the same hand. SHOCKING! Right Kisame?" **Jiraiya said.

**"I'll say. Not just anyone can stand up to Kakashi's balls."**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**"I said, I'll say. Not just anyone can stand up to Kakashi's balls." **Kisame repeated.

**...**

**...**

**...**

**"No smart remark Orochimaru?, No perverted over exaggerated yaoi comment? No gay joke?" **Jiraiya said.

**"Really Jiraiya? Is that how you view me? Must I beat a dead horse over and over with the same type of comment? Don't you get tired of hearing gay comment after gay comment? I have class, I'm not just a man whore who ogles every guy I see. I can't believe you guys view me as such a whore. I have made my last comment. You will not hear another Homosexual remark from these lips." **Orochimaru ranted.

**...**

**...**

**...**

**"Then why is your hand in your pants?"**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**"No seriously, why? You have no dick." **Kisame said.

**"SHUT UP!" **Orochimaru blushed at being caught perv-handed.

**"Just as I thought." **Jiraiya started.** "Your still the same snake I knew when I was alive. How could you let such lies come from your mouth? You disgust me. When your penis left you, so did your honor." **Jiraiya finished.

* * *

Kakashi prepared to throw the ball again.

_'I have to hit this time!'_

The ball was thrown.

It was engulfed in blue electricity.

Omoi swung.

HE HIT!

Omoi dropped the bat and ran for his life

The ball soared in Sasori's direction.

"I guess I should catch it huh?" Sasori prepared to catch it.

He never got the chance.

Someone appeared right in front of him and caught the ball.

"OUT!" Tsunade shouted.

"Kakashi?" Sasori said.

Kakashi appeared in front of him and caught Omoi's ball. He acted as if he never heard Sasori call his name. He disappeared via Shunshin and reappeared at the Pitcher's mound.

"GO KAKASHI-SENSEI!" Naruto screamed from the stands.

"HELL YEAH!" Hidan shouted sitting on Naruto's right.

"Why did you sit next to me dobe? said Sasuke from Naruto's left.

"Because we're comrades...and your still a member of team 7."

"Are you still on that kick? I'm not returning to Konoha Naruto. Just face it."

"But Sakura misses you."

"...Ok I'm DEFINITELY not coming back now."

"...Oops I-I didn't mean it! I take it back!"

"Nevermind, can I have some pop corn?" Sasuke asked Naruto.

Naruto had a HUGE bucket of Popcorn on his lap.

God knows why.

"I'm sorry this popcorn is only for KONOHA shinobi." Naruto said smiling at what he thought was a good comeback.

"So why is Hidan getting some?"

Hidan paused with his hand in Naruto's bucket.

"Uh...He is a member of Team Sakura F'kin suxxx." Naruto quickly said.

"So why did that skinny anorexic red headed guy get some?"

"...um...he's an Uzumaki just like me. He might be my uncle or something...or distant cousin."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Naruto gimme some damn popcorn."

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"No?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"No."

"No?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"No."

"Yes?"

"Yes."

"Ok."

Sasuke reached in Naruto's bucket and grabbed a handful of popcorn.

"...HEY! you tricked me!"

Kakashi glared at who was hitting now.

Kimimaro stood in his hitting stance.

"Whoever catches the ball when I hit it, will get boned." Kimimaro shouted to Epic team.

To prove his point six sharp bones emerged from his back and curved around pointing to his front like unconnected wings. Three on each side.

* * *

**"DAMNIT OROCHIMARU! HE MEANT THE OTHER TEAM!" **Jiraiya screamed holding said snake Sannin by the back of the collar, from jumping through the glass of the announcers booth.

**"LEMMEGO! LEMME GO! DID YOU HEAR KIMIMARO? THIS IS A ONCE IN A LIFE TIME OPPORTUNITY!"**Orochimaru screamed.

**"Be careful not to touch his Twat-Cock, Jiraiya." **Kisame warned.

"Look at Kakashi-sensei." Ino said to Tenten.

"Yeah he means business now. Did you see how he caught Omoi's ball? He'll do anything for his book."

Kakashi glared at Kimimaro again.

But his eyes kept going back to Onoki. Or more specifically what the old Kage was holding.

_'We'll be together again soon my sweet.'_

He glared at the Tsuchikage.

_'By any means necessary.'_

_

* * *

_

**A/N:Will Orochimaru get boned? Will Kakashi get his book back?**

**Which team will emerge victorious? Kakuzu would like you to place your bets in a review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN:**

**AND WE'RE BACK WITH ANOTHER ACTION PACKED, OROCHIMARU BASHING INSTALLMENT OF THE NINJA ALL STARS TOURNAMENT!**

**NARUTO AND SASUKE'S TEAMWORK PALES IN COMPARISON TO HANA-01 AND INUYONAS'S!**

**DISCLAIMER: INUYONAS OWNS ABOUT 45 % OF THE PLOT AND DIALOGUE IN THIS CHAPTER. HANA-01 OWNS THE REST. THE CHARACTERS ARE ALL KISHIMOTO'S...**

***COCKS SHOTGUN WHILE LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF KISHIMOTO***

**FOR NOW...**

**Chapter 7**

"Don't be so sad Omoi, not everyone can score a homerun on their first try," Karui told him because he was sitting in the corner looking very dejected and muttering to himself.

"That's the least of my worries. I was going to get a kiss from the Mizukage. The freaking hot Mizukage! And I blew it!" Omoi wailed.

Karui smacked him over the head and walked away angrily. Men.

Zetsu siddled up to Kurenai. "Hi."

"Hi," she replied uninterestedly.

"So…are you as tasty as you look?"

Kurenai blinked. Zetsu licked his lips. Kurenai smacked him clean out of the dugout and he flew onto the outfield and just in time too because Kimimaro finished hit and was now standing at second base. Apparently having bony appendages sticking out make it harder to run fast.

Kurenai threw Zetsu's bat out for him and it hit him on the head. Zetsu woke up dazed, picked up his bat and stood in front of Choujuro. He stood there for a while, arguing with himself over which hand should he use to hold the bat with.

"Let's use my right hand." said the white half of Zetsu.

"No let's use my left hand." argued the black half of Zetsu.

"Right."

"Left."

"Right."

"Left."

"Right damn you!"

"Left you f'kin moron."

"RIGHT!" The white half slapped the black side of his Zetsu's face.

"LEFT!" The black half rammed his fist into Zetsu's right eye.

"Ow..." muttered the left half.

"Look this is getting us nowhere. How about this. We use YOUR left hand."

"Ok cool."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Hey wait a minute!"

Kakashi pitched and Tsunade called a strike because Zetsu was still involved in an argument…with himself, culminating in his dark side repeatedly beating up the white side with the bat.

Kakashi glanced over at the Tsuchikage who was feverishly paging through his beloved Icha Icha, blood trickling from his nose so fast that he was turning purple.

"**My books sure are popular! They're even a hit with the Tsuchikage!" Jiraiya said smugly.**

"**You should write a book about me and my exploits," Orochimaru suggested.**

"**Yeah, that'll sure be a page turner…" Kisame said.**

"**You mean a page burner. People will want to gouge their eyes out if they read about what you get up to…" Jiraiya said.**

"**I could tell you about this marvellous tale of what happened between Sasori and I back when I was in the Akatsuki…ah good times," Orochimaru reminisced. **

When Sasori heard that, he puked sawdust onto the field.

"**Ahhh and then there was that time with Itachi-kun…" Orochimaru continued.**

"He's so lucky that his arm was the only thing I cut off that day," Itachi said.

**"And the WONDERFUL adventure with the Naraka path of Pein."**

Nagato spit out his drink.

"Th-that was a dead body..."

He then threw up.

"You see that Nagato? Do you feel sexy now? You can't keep starving yourself because you fear being fat. EAT SOME DAMN FOOD YOU FRAIL BASTARD!" Deidara screamed.

"I think he wants to be a model." Naruto started. "You know how they live, eat, throw up, sleep, throw up and eat again...then throw up."

"I don't see what the big deal is about throwing up. IT feels so good." Hidan said.

"You are one sick and deranged man." Sakura said.

"Bitch you look like Goku." Hidan retaliated.

"Who?"

"**Forget it Oro, I'm never writing about you and your sick, vomit inducing ways," Jiraiya told him. **

**-X-**

"Strike two!" Tsunade called tiredly.

"At this rate, I will be reunited with my beloved in no time," Kakashi mused, pitching the third ball to Zetsu.

Kurotsuchi turned to face Ino, Tenten and Karui, "Shouldn't we like cheer for him or something – oh wait nevermind, he's out."

"One of you get out there now and hit a home run or I swear I'll – I'll – I'll," Mei sputtered.

"I'll go next," Kurenai said, walking out of the dugout.

"**It's the beautiful, exotic, sexy Kurenai out on the field for Team Awesome!" said Jiraiya.**

"**Oh please Jiraiya, Kimimaro is far more beautiful and exotic than Kurenai could ever hope to be, I mean, look at his wonderful bone structure," Orochimaru said.**

"Orochimaru-sama is my special person," Kimimaro said, "He nurtured me and raised me when I was nothing but a lonely flower, about to wither away…"

"You poor, damaged and probably molested boy," Itachi said with a shake of his head.

-X-

Sasuke was still trying to get his hands into Naruto's bucket…of popcorn for another handful. Naruto slapped his hand away, "Get your own goddamn popcorn, teme!"

"Don't be so greedy, dobe!"

Suddenly the bucket was snatched away from Naruto's lap and Sakura was happily munching away on his popcorn, "Mmm I was so starved!"

"We know she's not a model." Naruto said.

"On second thought, the popcorn's all yours Naruto…" Sasuke said with disgust.

"Don't be like that Sasuke-kun, I'll share with you," Sakura cooed.

"Never!" Sasuke snapped.

"SIT THE FUCK DOWN I AM TRYING TO WATCH THE MATCH YOU PINK APE BITCH! DAMN! I MEAN I COULD SEE IF SOMEONE SEXY WAS IN THE WAY BUT DAMNIT YOU ARE NOT SEXY! YOU SHOULD GO TO HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE YOU UNSEXY BITCH!" Hidan yelled.

Sakura saw red. How dare this subhumanoid life form talk to her that way!

"Listen you dick-"

"Whichissomethingyouneverget."

Sakura glared at Naruto trying to decipher what he just rambled. After a few minutes of silence she gave up and continued her rant to Hidan.

"You wouldn't know sexy if it hit you."

"Since you hit me all the time Sakura does that mean I know ugly?"

Sakura decked Naruto.

"Aren't I sexy Sasuke-kun? Don't you just love my curves?" Sakura asked Sasuke in a sexy voice. Or what she believed to be one.

"You have the curves of a straight line."

Ouch..

"I'll take that as a yes. See Hidan? I look good."

"Bitch you look like Frieza."

"Who?"

"Strike Two!" Tsunade said.

Kurenai had a hard time hitting Kakashi's balls.

"Come on Kurenai-sensei." Ino said.

"Kakashi you are doing an excellent job if I do say so myself. You are doing what Tayuya can only dream of doing in her ninja career. Succeeding."

"Screw you!" One pissed off Tayuya shouted.

"No. No you may not." Itachi commented

Kakashi prepared to pitch the ball.

Kurenai tensed. _'I can do this.'_

Kakashi pitched the ball.

Kurenai swung.

And connected!

Kurenai shunshined to first base.

Then all of a sudden the whole stadium got quiet.

Nobody moved.

Nobody made a sound.

Not even the announcers.

30 seconds passed and still not a sound was heard.

Until...

"WHY THE HELL DIDN'T WE THINK OF THAT!"

Naruto Uzumaki broke the silence.

"She can't shunshin!" shouted one irate Tsuchikage.

"Don't be mad you old coot. You're just jealous." Mei shouted from just outside of her dugout.

"You young people have no respect today." Onoki said.

"Oh no it's not just today that we're disrespectful. It's everyday of the week."

Sasuke stared at Naruto.

"Really Dobe?"

"Hey don't hate on my bud Naruto just because you don't get any popcorn." Hidan said.

"Hey you can suck my lightning chakra enhanced Di-"

"-isgraceful I tell you. You young kage's need to learn more respect." Onoki said to Mei.

"Whatever. Lady Tsunade is Shunshining allowed?" Mei asked.

"I'll allow it this one time. But that's it."

**"It looks like Tsunade is letting Kurenai slide with a warning." Jiraiya said.**

**"I'm surprised that no one else has thought of that yet. Right Orochimaru?" Kisame asked.**

**"..."**

**"Orochimaru?"**

**"I'm sorry I wasn't listening Kisame, I was still on Sasuke-kun's conversation."**

Kabuto crept slowly behind Sasuke in the stands with some clippers in hand as if he was going to cut his hair.

_'Oh Orochimaru-sama, if dark hair is what you want, then dark hair is what you shall receive. I'll have to go to Itachi next for the pubic hair though.' _

"Why do I feel like there's gonna be a white haired character death in the future chapters?" Itachi voiced aloud.

Kurenai was on first base, and Kimmimaro was on third.

"Hey little blonde girl, you're up." said the Mizukage.

"Excuse me? but my name is Ino Yamanaka. I know it's hard for you old people to remember things."

Mei's chakra flared.

All of a sudden Ino was flung out the dugout. She landed by homeplate.

"What the hell?" Ino said in bewilderment.

"Don't forget who is the stronger kunoichi!" Ino heard Mei yell from the dugout.

Ino stood up and dusted herself off. She got into her hitting stance and waited for Kakashi to pitch.

Kakashi Threw ball with unneccessary force. The force was so unneccessary that it caused unneccessary to be spelled incorrectly wrong.

Ino swung and hit the ball.

She ran like hell.

The ball soared toward Hinata.

"I-I'll get it!" Hinata yelled and ran for the ball.

Ino was sprinting toward first base still.

The ball was falling toward the ground.

Hinata was almost there.

"Almost there!" she cried.

But she didn't quite make it.

The ball hit the ground as Hinata was still running towards it.

Ino made it to first base.

Hinata ran and scooped the ball up with her mitt. The ball landed near first base.

Ino stared at Hinata.

Hinata stared back.

Silenced ensued for about 10 seconds. It was like an unspoken discussion was happening between them

"I may have missed my chance to catch your ball this time Ino, but I won't miss again."

Translation: _I missed countless opportunities with Naruto, but it won't happen again._

"Be that as it may Hinata, this time it was your last chance to catch my ball.

Translation: _You let Naruto slip away for the last time Hinata. He's mine now._

They glared at one another.

"Are you guys gay or something? Throw the ball to Kakashi!" Tsunade shouted.

**AN- PLZ REVIEW! PLZ! You'll get a kiss from the Mizukage if you do…**


	8. Chapter 8

**AND WE'RE BACK AGAIN! YOU CAN CLAP ANYTIME YOU WANT**.

**HANA-01 + INUYONAS = WHAT PEIN'S DEVA PATH DID TO THE LEAF VILLAGE. (KONOHA).**

**PURE EPICNESS.**

**AND AS WE PROMISED THE LAST CHAPTER, THE MIZUKAGE KISSED AND OR MADEOUT WITH ANYONE WHO REVIEWED.**

**THE MIZUKAGE KISSED THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE:**

**ECHO UCHIHA****- THE MIZUKAGE KISSES YOU BECAUSE YOU STICK WITH THE STORY AND REVIEW EVERY CHAPTER.**

**MAXRIDELOVER****-THE MIZUKAGE KISSES YOU BECAUSE SHE LOVES TO RIDE...MAXES...IT MADE SENSE WHEN I FIRST THOUGHT OF IT.**

**YUTI-CHAN****-THE MIZUKAGE KISSES YOU WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! LOL YUR AWESOME. :)**

**AMARANTEOTAKU****-THE MIZUKAGE RAPES YOU BECAUSE YOU LOOOOOOVE THIS STORY. **

**DCFAN100****-THE MIZUKAGE KISSIES YOU BECAUSE SHE IS ALSO A DC FAN.**

**HYPNOTIC FLAMES****-THE MIZUKAGE KISSES YOU BECAUSE YOU HYPNOTIZED HER WITH YOUR FLAMES.**

**MOLE WITH A TROLL UP HIS HOLE****- THE MIZUKAGE KISSES YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR ECCENTRIC USERNAME...THEN OROCHIMARU SHOWS UP AND TELLS YOU: "YOUR'E GONNA NEED ALOT MORE THAN A TROLL TO FIT UP MY HOLE." AND THEN YOU RUN AWAY SCARED FOR YOUR LIFE.**

**Chapter 8**

**

* * *

**

Shikamaru was walking around the crowd in the stadium and passing around folded sheets of paper. "What's this?" Kiba asked, snatching one and looking at it.

"Dunno…that old guy with the mask said I must pass it out…" Shikamaru said boredly.

"Who? Kakashi?"

"No you doofus, can't you see Kakashi is out there pitching? I meant the guy that started this troublesome tournament," Shikamaru said, giving Kiba all of the paper, "You go pass it out."

"You pass it out, you lazy ass!" Kiba gave it back to him.

"Make like a faithful little puppy and go give it out," Shikamaru shoved it back into Kiba's arms, some fell to the floor and were getting squashed and trampled.

Someone appeared between them and grabbed them both by their shirts and lifted them off the ground. "Now…I am already PISSED OFF because I spent two hours running these programs out in the photocopy machine which we somehow have in the ninja world, and the authors totally neglected to mention my greatness in the last chapter!"

Tsunade looked into the stands and saw that Madara was man-handling two of her team members. "Madara Uchiha! You get your hands off those boys right now!" Tsunade yelled.

_Oooh say my name baby, I love how you say my name, _thought Madara.

Madara dropped them both down, "Sorry 'hime, I was just telling them to – uh, not let you down in the next match…"

Meanwhile, Sasuke turned to Naruto, unaware of Kabuto standing behind him holding clippers in trembling hands.

"Blondes are really sexy…"

"For the last time, I'm not gay, Sasuke!"

"That's right, my bud Naruto here likes the bitches!" Hidan said.

Sakura's eyes lit up and she looked at Naruto.

"Sorry, I meant my bud Naruto here likes SEXY BITCHES," Hidan corrected himself.

"I wasn't talking about you Naruto," Sasuke said, rolling his eyes, "I meant Lady Tsunade."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Just pulling your leg dobe, don't look so shocked, you're cuter when you smile," Sasuke said, "Who I'm really talking about is Ino…"

Sakura noticed that Kabuto was standing and sweating a puddle behind Sasuke. "Oi Kabuto, what are doing there?" she asked.

Kabuto put his hands behind his back and looked ahead at the match where Karui had now come onto the field to hit for Team Awesome. "Nothing," he said in a high-pitched voice, "Just watching the match!"

"Really? You seem tense."

"The match is uh…captivating, nail-biting, and intense!"

When Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto were distracted again, Kabuto raised the clippers once again, took a step forward and grabbed hold of the back of Sasuke's hair where it stood up. He lowered the clippers, ready to cut off the hair.

_Here I go Orochimaru-sama, I'm doing this for you, so you will finally love me like I love you. Oh Orochimaru-sama I would go to the ends of the Earth for you…and I won't stop there, I'd travel the edge of the galaxy for you, and I won't stop there, I would –_

We interrupt that cheesy line of thought to bring to your attention, Kabuto about to be impaled by a chidori courtesy of Sasuke.

"How dare you attempt to cut MY hair? These soft, raven locks? My awesome - "

"Oh please, I was trying to do you a favour. Everyone makes fun of your hairstyle anyway," Kabuto spat, waking up.

"What? Wait, how are you still alive? I just ran a chidori through you!"

Kabuto laughed and held up something, "I deflected it with _this_."

Orochimaru's penis!

"Y-you mean, it can repel my chidori?"

Kabuto laughed again. "Yes. Yes it can."

"Shut the fuck up Kabuto, you gay excuse for a ninja," Hidan silenced him with a backhand.

"YOU YAOI BITCH!" Naruto backhanded him a second time.

* * *

"**Why don't we take a recap of what has happened so far," Kisame said.**

"**That's a good idea, Kisame! Orochimaru why don't you do the recap?" Jiraiya said**, turning to the snake-sannin. Orochimaru had his hand propped up on the desk with his head rested on it like a daydreaming schoolgirl. Jiraiya followed his trail of vision and saw that Orochimaru was gazing at Itachi who was standing at his position on the field with his arms folded and a superior look on his face.

"**Oh…um, never mind then, I'll just do the recap. Team Awesome currently have 2 points and have 2 outs , we have Ino at first base-" **

"I'd love to get to first base with Ino, what do you say Naruto?" Sasuke said with a smirk. Naruto was seething and had his fists clenched tightly.

"Why are you being so perverted, Sasuke-kun?" asked Sakura.

"Why are you still existing, Sakura?" Sasuke retaliated.

Ino was standing at second base with her hands on her hips while Suigetsu was staring at her and slowly melting into a puddle of water.

Kakashi pitched a raikiri charged ball towards Karui. She swung widely and Chojuro had to pull a Neo from the matrix manoeuvre so he didn't get clubbed across the face.

"Strike one." Tsunade said without enthusiasm because she was so used to saying it.

Kakashi pitched again with astounding speed. Karui swung widely again but this time the bat flew out of her grip and soared towards Itachi, whacking him in the groin.

"**Oh! Right there in the babymaker! That's gotta hurt," Jiraiya exclaimed.**

"**OH MY GOD! IS MY ITACHI-KUN ALRIGHT? I'VE GOT TO GO THERE AND EXAMINE HIM TO SEE IF HE'S OKAY!" Orochimaru shrieked** as both Jiraiya and Kisame tried to restrain him from jumping out of the announcers booth…which was about 200m from the ground.

If Itachi was in any pain, he didn't show it, he just bent over and picked up the bat and threw it back to Karui. "If Orochimaru comes within 2 feet of me I will kick his ass till his nose bleeds."

Orochimaru was still hysterical in the announcers booth, thrashing around and screaming and knocking out one of Kisame's molars, **"I have to get my hands on that bat! It touched Itachi's groin!"**

"**You nasty mofo, you need to be institutionalised you know that," Kisame said.**

**

* * *

**

Karui gripped the bat tightly this time as she faced Kakashi's third ball.

She swung.

And hit!

"Whoop!" she said tossing the bat and ran towards first base.

Ino was running around the bases as fast as she could towards home.

The ball was still in the air soaring past Tayuya but suddenly a tall, dark-haired, handsome, object of Orochimaru and so many fan-girls' fantasies appeared and caught the ball. Kakashi flashed Itachi a thumbs up, "Nice work."

"Nothing can get passed the eyes of an Uchiha." Itachi said.

"Aww hell!" Karui yelled.

"That was a good hit. Only a really good ninja could have seen that ball coming…guess that's why Tayuya couldn't see it," Itachi remarked.

"At least I didn't get a bat to my balls," Tayuya shot back.

"Oh don't worry. You will. "

* * *

"Wow," Sasuke said breathlessly as they had just witnessed Ino slide in that really, really short skirt to home base. Naruto was getting furious and Sasuke was enjoying getting on the blond boys last nerve, it was a while since he had the opportunity to do that.

"Now I just may reconsider coming back to Konoha, just for a little of that," Sasuke said, watching Naruto rage out of the corner of his eye.

"That's it! If you dare set foot in Konoha I'll toss you right back out!" Naruto yelled, not even sure why he was getting so angry.

"Aww Dobe, but you wanted me back so badly…"

"That was before you became all perverted!"

"Is that really the reason? Or is it because I have my eye on _Ino_?"

Naruto looked at the pretty blond girl who was being congratulated by her teammates. '_Hmm, well we do have some things in common…she has blond hair, I have blond hair. She has blue eyes, I have blue eyes. She's loud and I'm loud. She's hot and I'm hot. Damn, we are a match made in heaven! But what about Hinata?'_

_

* * *

_

"**All right! Get ready ladies and gents, because the Epic Team is about to hit next after a small word from our sponsor – hey!"**

Madara jacked the microphone from Jiraiya, **"Hello Ninja's, it is I, Uchiha Madara, Madara Uchiha, however you want to say it. I'd like to just take a moment of your time and direct your attention towards the program which I have painstakingly designed for this tournament."**

"This thing?" Asuma asked, he was about to roll it up and smoke it.

"What's a ninja egg and spoon race?" Deidara asked.

"Beats me," Nagato said.

"Better keep those safe because there's a number on it which will be used for a lucky draw," Madara announced.

"Mine is number 69, sweet," Hidan said, grinning.

"And that was our sponsor, now back to the game. Team Awesome is making their way out onto the field," Kisame said as Team Awesome filed out and took their positions on the field.

Ino took first base, Tenten took second base, Zetsu took third base, Kimimaro was in the outfield between first and second, Omoi was in the outfield between second and third, Kurotsuchi was the catcher, Kurenai was pitching and Karui stood near the pitcher.

"Let's go team Awesome!" The Mizukage yelled from the dugout.

**"And it looks like Team Awesome is in the outfield now." Jiraiya said.**

The Tsuchikage was speaking to his team in the dugout.

"Ok well all of you are young people whom I don't get along with. I dislike every one of you but as a ninja I will set aside my differences and work with you. Now as far as hitting first I think-"

"Excuse me Tsuchikage-sama I don't mean to be rude but I feel as though I know who should hit first better than you." Itachi interrupted.

"You young people have no respect! In my day if you interrupted someone older than you your clan was killed."

"Oh no. I would sooooo not want that." Itachi said sarcastically.

Sasori walked to home plate with a bat in hand.

**"And it looks like the infamous puppet master from Suna is up to bat first." Kisame said.**

**"Any thoughts on how Epic team will do batting Orochimaru?" Jiraiya asked.**

**"..."**

**"Orochimaru?"**

Jiraiya looked over to Orochimaru's chair.

No one was in it. Only a pair of pants were in it.

Kisame turned around and looked behind him to the door to the announcer's booth.

It was wide open.

**"Orochimaru is gone."**

**"So it seems Kisame."**

Silenced ensued for about 10 seconds..until...

**"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"**

**"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"**

**"OMG!"**

**"OH MY GOD!"**

**"WTF!"**

**"FTW!"**

**"TFW!"**

**"TWF!"**

**"WFT!"**

**"OROCHIMARU IS LOOSE!"**

**"OROCHIMARU IS ON THE F'KIN LOOSE!"**

**"ATTENTION ALL SHINOBI! A KAGE LEVEL SANNIN WITH HOMICIDAL TENDENCIES IS ON THE LOOSE IN THE STADIUM!"**

**"AND HE WANTS YOUR ASSES!"**

**

* * *

**

The stadium erupted in chaos!

"Holy balls! Orochimaru is on the loose!"

"Oh no!"

"He's gonna rape me!"

"Honestly I think you will be fine."

"The dobe is right. He only likes boys."

"Well shit, if that's the case then...SAKURA YOU BITCH, YOU ARE IN GRAVE DANGER!"

"Shut up Hidan."

"Did someone say Gravy danger?"

"Chouji you are so troublesome."

"Did someone say trouble some?"

"Put your fan down Temari."

"I'll protect myself using the cork from my sand gourd."

"And where pray tell, where will you be putting that cork Gaara?"

**"It won't make a difference Gaa-kun, kukukuku."**

O_O

* * *

**AN- WHAT WILL BECOME OF GAARA!**

**WILL OROCHIMARU EVER BE CAUGHT?**

**WILL TEAM AWESOME WIN? OR EPIC TEAM?**

**REVIEW AND WE'LL SEND YOU THE BAT THAT TOUCHED ITACHI'S GROIN!**


	9. Chapter 9

**AN-SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT BUT OROCHIMARU ESCAPED TO OUR OTHER STORIES AND WE HAD TO GET HIM THE F'K OUT...**

**HANA-01 + INUYONAS= SASUKE'S KIRIN TECHNIQUE...PURE AWESOMENESS.**

**AND TO THOSE WHO REVIEWED...(EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT THE BAT) YOU GET THE BAT THAT TOUCHED ITACHI'S GROIN. IF YOU DO NOT WANT IT THROW IT AT SOMEONE ELSE. SOME ONE NOBODY LIKES...**

**(COUGH)sakura(COUGH)**

**THOSE WHO GET THE BAT ARE:**

**ECHO UCHIHA: YOU GET THE BAT BECAUSE APPARENTLY YOU LOVE CHIDORI.**

**MAXRIDELOVER: WE KNOW YOU DON'T WANT THE BAT ...SO THROW IT AT SOMEONE ELSE.**

**DCFAN100: YOU GET THE BAT BECAUSE ITACHI'S GROIN IS ALSO A DC FAN.**

**NDASUUNYE: YOU GET THE BAT BECAUSE ...JUST BECAUSE...(CAUSE INUYONAS SAYS SO)**

**AMARANTEOTAKU: YOU GET THE BAT BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU WANNA THROW IT AT SAKURA.**

**SILVERWOLFSTAR: YOU GET THE BAT BECAUSE ITACHI'S GROIN SAID SO.**

**YUTI-CHAN: YOU GET THE BAT BECAUSE MEI DOES NOT...EVEN THOUGH SHE WANTS IT.**

**LADY CRACK: YOU GET THE BAT BECAUSE HANA-01 SAYS SO.**

**HYPNOTIC FLAMES: YOU GET THE BAT BECAUSE YOUR FLAMES OF YOUTH BURN BRIGHTER THAN THE BRIGHTEST PAIR OF ORANGE BOXERS NARUTO PROBABLY HAS ON.**

**CLASSIFIED: YOU GET THE BAT...THE REASON IS CLASSIFIED.**

**N.V.9: YOU GET THE BAT BECAUSE WE SAY SO.**

**.: YOU GET THE BAT BECAUSE YOU THINK OUR NOSTRILS ARE ENTERTAINING.**

**ANDREYA HALMS: YOU GET THE BAT BECAUSE ITACHI WANTS YOU TO HAVE IT.**

**CRECRE: YOU GET THE BAT…WE KNOW YOU WANT IT.**

**

* * *

**

**"It's too late for that Gaa-kun...kukukukuku..."**

O_o

"ARGH!"

"That sounded like Gaara!" Naruto shouted.

"Let's go Ruto!" Hidan said. They dashed toward Gaara's direction.

"How does Naruto know what Gaara's pain filled grunts sound like?"

"...Did Hidan just call Naruto 'Ruto?"

"Shut up Sakura."

"Aww Sasuke don't be like that-"

"Bitch you look like Raditz."

"Who?"

Kabuto raised the clippers again.

_'Now's my chance! He's distracted!'_

_

* * *

_

Naruto and Hidan stood over Gaara, who was on the ground in a very uncomfortable position. If that wasn't bad enough his pants were also by his ankles.

"Gaara?" Naruto tentatively asked.

"...uh." Gaara uttered. He was half conscious.

"Gaara...where is that cork that you said would protect you?"

"...In...my...stomach."

O_o

* * *

"Kabuto ...what happened to your arm?" Sakura asked.

Kabuto's left arm was completely gone from the socket. Blood was flowing profusely out of the wound.

"A-ask...S-Ss-Sasuke..."

Sasuke had his sharingan active and lightning pulsating around his left hand...he also had a severed arm sticking out of his back pocket..

...and apparently he has pockets now...

* * *

**"Ladies and gentleman, Orochimaru is on the loose so we ask that everyone protect themselves the best way possible." Kisame announced**

**"We also ask that nobody uses any kind of cork because it apparently does more harm than good." Jiraiya said.**

"Damn! We gotta stop that snake maniac!" said Hidan.

"I know! Gaara will be avenged!"

"Then let's do it."

"...Whoa Hidan I don't swing that way. I mean the whole point is to stop THAT from happening. I mean-"

"No you retarded fishcake moron. I meant let's stop Orochipedo."

"You think we can do it?"

"Naruto you are a sage, and have full control of the Kyuubi, can create a Rasengan of God-like size, and your F'KIN BLONDE!"

"You're right! I am f'kin Blonde! And with your immortality and love for Pein we are sure to succeed!"

For some reason Nagato became weary of Hidan.

"So let's go check in with the announcers and tell them not to worry. Naruto and Hidan are on the chase!"

The twosome ran up the ten flights of stairs that led to the announcers booth. Hidan flung the door open and gave a gawking Jiraiya and Kisame a thumbs up sign worthy of Gai and Lee. Naruto appeared beside him with a similar pose.

"Don't worry ero-sennin and shark-boy! We will find him!"

"Make sure you find him before he finds you…"

Naruto and Hidan ran all the way back down the stairs. When they reached the bottom, Naruto was hunched over, panting.

"Hey 'Ruto, don't bend over, fucking you-know-who could strike at any second."

"You mean Voldemort? I thought Harry killed him!"

"No, you dumbshit! For the last time I mean Orochipedo!... But I suppose there is a resemblance…"

Naruto stood upright very quickly.

"Hey Hidan, if Kabuto has got Orochimaru's penis, then what is Orochimaru using?"

"He can summon freaking snakes, what do you think?"

"Oh shit!"

Suddenly, a male scream echoed throughout the stadium followed by angry grunts.

"Follow that scream! I'll bet that's where Orochimaru is," Naruto said.

He and Hidan sprinted off towards the screams and grunts.

What they saw would haunt their dreams and waking moments forever.

Chouji was sprawled on the ground and Orochimaru was between his legs. They were both frantically tugging at something.

"It's mine!" Chouji yelled.

"Give it to me!" Orochimaru hissed.

"Never! You leave my sausage alone!"

"But I'm hungry!"

"Holy crap of my life!" Hidan cried out at the scene.

Naruto and Hidan stared open-mouthed at the pink sausage caught between Orochimaru's long tongue. Chouji was looking murderous.

"If Sakura was a male she would have a pink sausage." Hidan said.

"You mean if Sakura WASN'T a male she would NOT have a pink Sausage." Naruto commented.

"You stole my hotdog!"

"What! I got hungry after my business with Gaara," Orochimaru said.

Chouji enlargened his arms and punched the snake sannin into the air. He soared and crashed through the window of the announcers booth and landed right in his seat…upside down.

"**Dammit Orochimaru, put some pants on," Kisame said with disgust, "I don't want to see fifty year old ass and fifty year old pussy-cock."**

"**Good news ladies and gents, Orochimaru is back with us and we will not let him out of our sight again. We apologise for any discomfort caused!" Jiraiya announced.**

"Discomfort my ass," Gaara muttered, pulling his pants on properly.

"**And now we can get back to the game! The Epic Team is hitting and Sasori is first on their lineup!" Kisame said. **Once Orochimaru had his pants on and was sitting properly in his seat, Kisame and Jiraiya secured him there using a chakra rope.

"**What is the meaning of this," Orochimaru growled.**

"**Nobody wants you going on a rampage again," Jiraiya told him.**

"**You guys never let me have any fun. Never! I hate you! I hate you all!" Orochimaru ranted.**

"**Your line of fun is far too dangerous…"**

"**Is that so Jiraiya? My interest in young boys is frowned upon in each and every chapter but no one has brought up the fact that you're a lecherous old man who peeps at younger woman for 'research'! But noooo Jiraiya is cool and Orochimaru is the paedophile!" Orochimaru continued to rant.**

"**That's just the way it is man…" Jiraiya said with a shrug, **and he put his binoculars to his eyes and continued to ogle the Mizukage.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the stands, Hidan and Naruto were back with Chouji and they had bought him a new hotdog. He sat down next to Sakura, happily eating.

"Wow Chouji, nice work with that Orochimaru creep. Your strength is very useful," Sakura told him.

"Yeah, unlike you," Chouji retorted.

"Hahaha, you just got told off by the fat kid," Hidan yelled.

"Oh shut your face you silver-haired freak," was Sakura's response.

"Bitch you look like Majin Buu."

Hidan couldn't laugh for long at Sakura's enraged face because Chouji sent him flying down the stands. "I'm not fat! Just big boned!"

"Sakura has a big bone too." Naruto said earning a glare from Sakura.

Naruto looked down at Hidan who was lying at the foot of the stands in a very awkward position. "Good thing he is immortal!"

* * *

Kurenai stared down Sasori and he stared right back into the woman's vivid red eyes and gripped his bat, ready for what was to come.

"Can you hurry up…I haven't got all day…" Sasori drawled.

Kurenai got ready to pitch and raised an arm.

Suddenly, Sasori saw a whole lot of flower petals and there were three Kurenai's getting ready to pitch in front of him. His eyes widened as three pitches came towards him.

_Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! What do I do? Where do I go? Which do I hit? How do I do it? Why am I asking so many questions –_

_WHACK!_

The crowd went oooooh.

Sasori's head was lying on the ground.

"**Oh dear. This is not good, not good at all for the Epic Team," Kisame said.**

"**Not good, this is a disaster! Kurenai took his head off! Team Awesome means business!" Jiraiya said., **

"**You know, I'd love to get my hands on that head of Sasori's…" Orochimaru mused.**

"**Why?" Kisame couldn't help asking.**

"**Oh…you'll see…"**

Meanwhile, the Tsuchikage had marched over to Tsunade and began arguing, "They should be disqualified, the whole lot of them! Bunch of ruffians!"

Tsunade looked down at him, "It's a legal pitch. It's too bad that your hitter didn't have his head on right…"

"Foul! I demand an extra point for this!"

"What is the problem here old timer? Why are you messing with my lady?" asked Madara, who had sauntered up to the scene.

"Your lady?"

"Old timer? For the umpteenth time, you are older than me! Or have you gone so senile that you think you're young again, I mean really now - "

"Hush, Tsuchikage, don't get so riled up. It will be bad for your heart," Madara told him.

It took the entire Epic team except Sasori to restrain the Tsuchikage from going after Madara and possibly injuring his back. In the meantime, Sasori had reattached his head and was ready to face Kurenai again.

"I wonder if I could make Sasori no danna laugh his head off," Deidara wondered.

This time, Sasori kept a close eye on Kurenai, he didn't want to get caught in another genjutsu. She pitched and he swung, hitting the ball into the air.

Sasori threw the bat down and began to run.

The ball was hurtling towards Kimimaro who stood unmoving. As the ball drew closer, Kimimaro extended the bones from his body and impaled the ball on it.

"**Oh the ball got boned!" Kisame exclaimed.**

"**What I wouldn't give to be that ball…"**

"**Uhhh…and Sasori is outta here! Epic Team is already in a tough position here, who will they send in next?" Jiraiya said.**

* * *

"Hyuuga, you're up," Itachi said sternly, gripping her shoulders and pushing the frightened girl out of the dugout. Hinata held her bat close to her chest and walked slowly to the plate.

_I have to hit a home run to impress Naruto-kun. Kurenai-sensei is pitching…maybe she will go easy on me… _Hinata hoped. She looked at Ino who was smirking at her, Hinata tried to glare back at the blonde girl.

"**Up next for the Epic team is the lovely Hinata Hyuuga. And I must say, from the ladies of the Konoha 12, she has the nicest pair of - " Jiraiya began.**

"**Jiraiya you better shut your trap, her father is sitting in the stands," Orochimaru warned.**

"**What? I was going to say eyes! Besides he couldn't take me anyway." **

"**Yeah, sure, and I **_**don't**_** think Sasuke is a hot piece of meat with whom I'd like to -" Orochimaru was saying sarcastically before Kisame cut him off.**

"**RIGHT let's focus on the match here!"**

* * *

Naruto was having a mental predicament as he watched Hinata on the field.

_Hmm do I cheer for Hinata or do I cheer for Ino? If I cheer for either one, the other will probably get mad…maybe I can cheer for both of them! Hah! Wait…can you even do that? Gaaaah! It's so hard being a wanted man!_

"Which to cheer for, which to cheer for huh?" Sasuke turned to Naruto, wearing an evil smirk.

"What the hell! Are you reading my mind?"

"Tch. What mind?"

* * *

Hinata activated her byakugan and Kurenai pitched a slow ball to her, giving the girl a chance to warm up since she had a soft spot for her.

She swung and narrowly missed the caught it and threw it back to Kurenai.

"Strike one!" Tsunade called.

Kurenai pitched again and Hinata struck out once again.

Hinata looked over at Ino who was grinning as if to say, _you're going to strike out again and you're going to strike out with Naruto too…_

Hinata glared with byakugan eyes, _We'll see about that, I may have missed, but this time I won't miss._

Kurenai pitched.

Hinata swung.

Bat connected with ball and it went straight up into the air. Hinata started to run to first base.

"Yay! Go Hinata!" Naruto yelled.

Ino ran forward trying to get under the ball as it came plummeting down. It fell into her hands just as she and Hinata collided with each other. Both girls fell down and Ino woke up quickly, still holding the ball in her hand. She raised it triumphantly.

Ino looked at Hinata with a smirk.

"It's mine now." What Ino really meant was: _'See Hinata, I'm always going to catch what slips by you.'_

Hinata stayed silent. But her silence said: _'Bitch stop thinking at me.'_

"Yay! Nice one Ino!" Naruto cheered.

Sasuke and Sakura looked at their blonde friend out of the corner of their eyes.

"**What a beautiful clash!" Jiraiya said in awe.**

"**That may be so Jiraiya, but the Epic team are two down and they have no points to their name…" Kisame said.**

"**Oooh I do hope they will send in Itachi-kun next…" Orochimaru said, licking his lips.**

"In your dreams. Haven't you ever heard of saving the best for last?" Itachi muttered, "Okay…Tayuya, time for you to prove me wrong. Get out there and get us a point."

Tayuya snatched up her bat and strode on to the field.

"Come on lady, pitch already, or are you getting too old?" Tayuya said rudely, chewing gum loudly.

Kurenai narrowed her eyes and pitched a hard and fast ball that hit Tayuya in the gut, causing her to spit out the gum.

"You bitch!" Tayuya screamed, holding her stomach in agony.

"Suck it up little girl," Kurenai said and pitched again.

Tayuya swung wildly and missed completely.

"What the hell! Pitch properly you bitch!"

"You got quite a mouth on you. I'll silence it with this next pitch," Kurenai said.

"Bring it."

Kurenai got ready to pitch.

"Strike three! You're out!" Tsunade called.

"But she didn't even pitch yet!" Tayuya said outraged.

Kurotsuchi laughed and showed Tayuya the ball in her gloved hand, "Oh yes she did."

"Screw this shit!" Tayuya said, throwing her bat away.

Itachi folded his arms and nodded, "So it is true, Itachi Uchiha can never be proven wrong."

* * *

"**This is quite an upset," Kisame said.**

"**Yeah, the Epic Team is off to an epic fail start!" Jiraiya commented, "And Team Awesome is going to bat next."**

"Tayuya this is all your fault." Itachi began. " You are the typo on the essay of life. You are the sickness on the road to recovery. You are the error message on when you click on the Edit button wanting to edit your stories or upload a new chapter. You epically fail you waste of flesh bone and miniscule chakra."

"...Damn that hurt my feelings." Suigetsu said.

"You know what? Time to pull out the stops." Itachi said as he walked to the pitcher's mound.

**"Itachi has walked the pitcher's mound. He's not pitching so what is he up to?" Jiraiya said.**

Itachi then ripped his shirt off.

Chaos erupted.

"OH MY GOD!" Sakura screamed.

"HE'S SO HANDSOME!" The Mizukage screamed.

"KAMI I LOVE UCHIHA'S!"

Kakashi's book exploded.

Chojuro fainted.

Tayuya became more lady like.

Nagato became healthy.

Naruto was diagnosed unretarded.

Sasuke got jealous.

An earthquake erupted throughout the stadium.

**"Ladies and gentleman hold on to your hats! Itachi Uchiha has ripped off his shirt!"**

**"Jiraiya."**

**"Huh Kisame?"**

**"Where is Orochimaru?**

**They both looked at Orochipedo's seat. **

**It was empty.**

**The chakra ropes were on the floor .**

**The back door to the booth was open.**

**O_O**

**"NO NOT AGAIN!"**

**

* * *

**

**AN- PLEASE REVIEW! IF YOU DO THEN OROCHIMARU WON'T GET YOU!**


	10. Chapter 10

AN- I (INUYONAS) JUST READ THIS AWESOME STORY CALLED KONOHA'S ANNUAL MAN HUNT BY CRAZYFROG07 AND IT WAS DOWNRIGHT INCREDIBLE! IT'S ALSO A COLLABORATION...

...YOU GUYS SHOULD TELL US WHO'S IS BETTER...lol

HANA-01 + INUYONAS = When Naruto punched Sasuke in the face during his one tailed cloak transformation after Sasuke piled drived him into the ground at the Valley of end.

PURE OWNAGE

To those who reviewed you are Safe from Orochimaru's butt wrath...for now.

Those who are safe are:

**Maxridelover: **You are safe because you like our Raditz joke.

**Disconinja10: **You're safe because Orochimaru does not like the backside of disco ninja's...Lucky you.

**Yuti-chan: **You are safe because you review every chapter like an awesome fan should lol.

**Thefinalfighter:** You are safe because Orochimaru doesn't like Final fighters either.

**EchoUchiha: **You're too awesome to get ravaged by Orochimaru

**Chaptermaster: **No my friend. I (Inuyonas) am the chapter master lol...just kidding, you're safe.

**Amaranteotaku: **You're safe because Crime pays in unexpected ways...is an awesome story that you wrote. Everyone should go read it right after you read this chapter.

**raeven kate: **You are safe because Orochimaru is astounded by your wonderful and perfect in every way Almond blossom's story. Everyone should read that too.

**mole with a troll up his hole: **I (Inuyonas) met a troll with a mole up his hole before...I also met a hole with a troll and a mole in it...weird I know...but you're safe.

**dcfan100: **There's this game called DC vs. Mortal kombat...you should get it and own with Superman because no mortal kombat character can f'k with Superman.

**Danasca: **You're safe because Orochimaru doesn't know what your username means.

**DragonTamer186: **You should have played on that one movie how to train your dragons...yeah...you would have been awesome.

**Crecre: **Orochimaru cowers in fear of this new powerful ninja called "CreCre." Owner of the Crecre-gan lol

**Ndasuunye: **Listen let me (Inuyonas) tell you something. The Mizukage and Temari DO NOT WANT YOU! lol You're gonna have to fight Shikamaru first.

**Blazingreaper: **Do you reap with a blazing lash?

**Blue thundering flame: **Can a flame really thunder? If it can then we are all doomed.

**My Grass Is Emo so I cut it: **Orochimaru has viciously , and traumatically assaulted your backside. Why? Because you don't mind.

**N.V.9: **Orochimaru was beaten to a pulp because I (Inuyonas) have your back lol.

**thatCHICKyouUSEDtoKNOW: **I think I (Inuyonas) used to know you...Orochimaru WANTS to know you , and since you want him to get you...

**Selkadoom13: **You are safe because Orochimaru is tired from assaulting those people right above you and three names up from you lol.

**FNORD: **Orochimaru is tired after reading your long review lol maybe you should do more of those

**Lady Crack: **You are safe because you fist bumped Orochimaru in the face.

**Hachichiyyin: **We are glad that you like our collaboration. Maybe you would enjoy our other stories.

**Deathsilver: **Orochimaru was about to have his way with you because he was Disguised as Anko but you found out in the nick of time.

**MmmmChineseFood:** Orochimaru will not get you because he doesn't like Chinese food. Thanks for reviewing!

**Azn91:** Since you reviewed, you won't have to bury yourself, you are safe from Orochipedo!

**Darkchain zangetsu:** Your review grants your butt protection from Orochimaru

**Hypnotic flames:** you are safe because with those hypnotising flames, Orochimaru won't dare get near you!

**Classified: **Orochimaru won't get you…since you asked so nicely.

**FlashDance002:** Orochimaru won't get you... because he is upset that you think Ao is very sexy.

**HERE IS THE NEXT CHAPTER!**

* * *

**Chapter Ten**

Itachi was still standing on the pitcher's mound with his shirt off.

"Okay team, come out and get in your spots on the field." Itachi commanded.

As Tayuya walked passed everyone's favourite Uchiha, she couldn't help the blush forming on her face.

Itachi saw this.

"Why Tayuya, I didn't know you thought of me like that."

"Sh-SHUT THE FUCK UP!" She hollered. "As if I would ever...besides you probably have a small penis."

If that were said to anyone else they probably would have gotten mad, but this is Itachi Uchiha we're talking about.

Itachi merely smiled.

"Oh Tayuya, how wrong you are. You do know that I am never wrong. Shall I take my pants off as well?"

**"YES!" **Shouted the ENTIRE stadium.

* * *

"OMIGOD TAKE THEM OFF!"

"Jeez Sakura. You are such a whore."

Sakura glared at Hidan.

"You are just jealous that Itachi is a better looking man than you are." She said to him.

"HA! if that's the case then he's a better looking dude than you too." Hidan shot back.

Sakura punched him.

"Damn Sakura-kun."

Sakura punched Naruto as well.

"Sakura you flat-chested, surf board body having, man whore, stop punching people."

Sakura sulked at Sasuke's words.

"She dare not punch me. I'm Sasuke Uchiha aka the Hearthrob aka Mr Make Your Panties Wet."

Kabuto was still standing behind Sasuke with one arm...He was bleeding profusely from the stump left where his other arm was.

"I...will...g-get your hair..."

The Eternal Mangekyou flashed dangerously.

"Really now..."

* * *

The Tsuchikage was thumbing through the latest edition of Icha Icha.

"Have you young people no shame? The things you read. In my day if you wanted to see porn you would go to your neighbour's house and ask them if they would let you watch them have sex with their husband and or wife. "

"Oh yeah I remember those days..." Madara said scratching his masked chin in thought, "In fact, Hashirama Senju was my neighbour. And if I remember correctly, the battle at The Valley of the End started because I criticized his techniques in the bedroom and not because of what the history books tell you…"

Kakashi was staring intently at Onoki.

"How dare he sully my dear Icha Icha with his dirty ,OLD hands...After the baseball competition is over Someone is gonna get a Chidori shoved up the ass..." He muttered to himself

**"Is it me? Kukuku."**

**O_o**

"Kakashi!" Itachi warned.

Kakashi jumped forward as a hand almost grabbed his butt. Kakashi turned around and came face to face with the embodiment of forced Yaoi himself.

Orochimaru.

"Get back in the announcer's booth you sick, sick snake." said Kakashi

**"I would but seeing Itachi-kun over there has really peeked my curiosity."**

"So in other words it made you horny." Itachi commented

"**Yes it made me Ovulate**."

"Only women can do that..." Kakashi said.

**"Kukuku...You forget...I no longer have a penis..."**

Itachi and Kakashi shared a look.

"Well then we will have to force you back."

Itachi's Mangekyou came to life.

* * *

**"Well folks it looks like Itachi Uchiha and Kakashi Hatake are going to face off against Orochimaru!" Jiraiya said.**

**"Folks' the fight has started!" Kisame said.**

**"ITACHI JUST DUCKED UNDER A PUNCH THROWN BY OUR FAVOURITE HOMO SANNIN! KAKASHI JUST UPPERCUTTED OROCHIMARU!"**

**"HOLD ON KISAME, OROCHIMARU USED A SUBSTITUTION JUTSU! HE APPEARED BEHIND ITACHI WHO STILL HAS NOT PUT A SHIRT ON YET! WATCH OUT ITACHI!"**

**"JIRAIYA CAN YOU SEE? BLACK FLAMES JUST APPEARED ON OROCHIMARU'S BODY! WAIT A MINUTE THAT WAS A SUBSTITUTION TOO! KAKASHI JUST ACTIVATED HIS RAIKIRI TECHNIQUE! HE SHOVED IT IN OROCHIMARU'S CROTCH!"**

**"KISAME HE'S BEING SUCKED INTO OROCHIMARU'S CROTCH! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? BUT ITACHI SAVES HIM..WHEW...WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT'S THIS? TWO NEWCOMERS ARE ON THE FIELD AND RUNNING TOWARDS THE FIGHT. ONE IS BLONDE AND THE OTHER HAS SILVER HAIR!"**

* * *

"YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD GET AWAY OROCHI-PEDO! DID HE THINK HE COULD ESCAPE NARUTO?"

"I'M GONNA RASENSHURIKEN HIS FACE OFF!"

"AWW SHIT ME AND NARUTO BOUT TO GO APE aka SAKURA!" Hidan shouted as he lunged at Orochimaru.

"We're gonna beat the gay outta his FACE!" Sage mode was activated as Naruto said this.

"Kukukuku…I do enjoy a beating from good looking men…"

Suddenly, there was a whirlwind of dust and in their midst stood none other than Kabuto, bleeding , armless and all. He ripped off his shirt with his remaining arm and yelled, "Oh My Master, I've waited so long for this day, I've tried to avenge you…I've tried every which way to get you back, oh My Master, I've tried to be everything you ever wanted. I'm going to capture this moment and not let it slip away! I've waited and waited but I just can't take it anymore, I need you NOW!"

Orochimaru stopped ogling Itachi, Kakashi, Naruto and Hidan and eyed Kabuto disdainfully, "Kabuto, your clinginess is such a turn off."

A tear rolled down Kabuto's cheek.

"**Behold! A gay soap opera!" Jiraiya said.**

"**Filled with tension and testosterone!" Kisame added.**

"**And don't forget oestrogen, remember Orochimaru said that he is ovulating."**

"**Huh?"**

"**Nevermind, Kisame…"**

* * *

"Itachi! I want your body now, hold it against me!" Orochimaru yelled, totally ignoring Kabuto.

"Master! If I can't have you, nobody will!" Kabuto cried, pulling out a scalpel.

"**Kisame! What is this? Kabuto has just plunged a scalpel into Orochimaru's heart!"**

Orochimaru clutched his chest and coughed up blood while tears were spilling from Kabuto's eyes. Itachi, Kakashi, Naruto and Hidan looked on with pitying looks on their faces.

"K-K-Kabuto…what is the meaning of this? I'm paralysed, I can't move or use any of my techniques. What have you done to me you wretched boy?"

"It's a poison which prevents you from using your chakra. Master, don't you understand? I'm only killing you because I love you and can't bear to see you love any other!"

"Hey Sakura, remember that time you tried to kill me and you epically failed?" Sasuke asked her.

"You tried to kill me too! That means you love me!"

'Uh, no it doesn't. It means I wanted you dead."

"Aww…"

"I also tried to kill you Haruno-san."

Sakura looked over to who said this.

Her eyes widened at the sight she was presented with.

"G-Gaara?"

Gaara was sitting in the row below her.

"I guess that means I love you." Gaara said.

Sakura was at a loss for words.

Sasuke was listening intently...Although he didn't know why.

"I'm joking Haruno. There is no way that I did nor will I ever harbor feelings for you in any type of Romantic way."

Sakura sighed in relief. "Well that's a relief. You're not my type of guy Gaara. The whole redhead thing doesn't work for me. I like em with jet black hair." She said this as she looked at Sasuke.

Gaara frowned.

"What's wrong with redheads?"

Sakura turned to the new voice and almost gasped in fear.

Nagato Uzumaki who was sitting right next to Gaara was turned around and staring at Sakura with his Rinnegan active.

"Sakura Haruno let it be known that you have brought the wrath of the redheads down on you." The Kazekage said.

"The Former Ichibi container is right. From this point on watch your back."

Sakura was deathly afraid at this point.

"Oh no. A kage and a Kage level Shinobi have it out for me. What should I do Sasuke?"

Sasuke smirked. "I think you should insult them some more."

* * *

"Are our beating services no longer required now?" Hidan asked.

"Let's beat them both. For fun!" Naruto said.

"Fuck yeah! Now you're talking!"

But before they could do anything, Orochimaru fell to the ground, still clutched his bleeding chest with the scalpel stuck in it, "I-I-Itachi-kun…" And his eyes closed.

Kabuto dropped down and started shaking him, "NO MASTER! Your dying words were supposed to be my name! Wake up my Master! Wake up and say it again!"

"He's not even dead, look at that, he's breathing. He must be sleeping…" Kakashi said boredly.

Meanwhile, Madara was getting extremely agitated. He planned this tournament with two motives in mind. One was to bring together the strongest ninja and the second was to win Tsunade's heart. He will be damned if this gay clown show ruins everything!

Madara appeared on to the field in a swirl and a menacing aura surrounding him. Everyone on the field began to back away slowly. "You," he pointed to Kabuto, "Get back in the stands." He sucked Kabuto up into the other dimension and then deposited him back in the stands next to Sasuke who cracked his knuckles together.

"**Ladies and gentlemen, Orochimaru is back in here with us. Granted, he is unconscious, but that's just the way we like him!" Jiraiya said as Orochimaru appeared in the announcers booth via Madara's technique.**

Madara looked at Naruto and Hidan, "Scram."

"Listen you Old ass man. No one, NO ONE! talks to us that way! Tell him Naruto."

"Yeah! NO ONE! is gonna tell us what to do anymore! We have too many fans for that! We're not goin' anywhere! Datte-fuckin-bayo bitch!"

All of a sudden Naruto and Hidan were back in the stands.

"What happened?"

"I blame Sakura." Hidan said staring at said Kunoichi.

Mei started fanning herself, _I love it when an Uchiha man starts taking charge. It's so sexy…_

Tsunade reached for a sake bottle and started drinking to her heart's content.

"Will a hitter from Team Awesome please come to the field?" Madara thundered.

"Yes Madara-sama! Right away Madara-sama!" Mei squealed, grabbing Karui's bat and walking out onto the field.

"You can't go out there!" Tenten screamed and pulled Mei back and marched out into the outfield with her bat in hand.

* * *

"**Well Jiraiya the game is back on. Team Awesome is hitting again and they have three points to their name while the Epic Team has none. Hitting for Team Awesome is none other than – who is that?"**

"**That's Tenten, Konoha's Weapon's mistress," Jiraiya said.**

**"Tenten? Isn't that some kind of Pig?"**

**"No that's Ton-ton Kisame."**

**"Isn't that what Ballerina girls wear?"**

**"No that's a Tu-tu Kisame."**

**"Isn't that what sound a clock makes?"**

**"No that's tic-toc."**

**"I got it! Isn't that what Sakura needs?"**

**"No that's Titties."**

* * *

"Remember the name," Tenten called, "I'm the future Mrs. Tenten Hyuuga and I'm going to hit this one out of the stadium!"

_That's my girl, _Neji cheered inside his mind.

The Epic Team took their positions on the field and Kakashi threw his first pitch to Tenten. She narrowed her eyes as the ball came towards her and she swung and cleared the ball out of the stadium.

"**Home run folks!" Jiraiya yelled.**

"**Four points to Team Awesome. They need six more to win, awesome indeed," Kisame said.**

"**Next up, from Iwagakure is Kurotsuchi. How will she fare going up against her master's team?"**

"Sorry Old Man Onoki, I'm going to have to annihilate your team," Kurotsuchi declared confidently.

"Look at this girl, talking as if she's an Uchiha," Itachi said, widening his eyes slightly.

"Someday I might be," Kurotsuchi said, and she turned in the direction of the stands where Sasuke was sitting and blew him a kiss.

O_o

"…Uhhh…" Sasuke said, looking confused.

"BITCH PLEASE!" Sakura yelled, "He's mine!"

"Bitch Please..." Sasuke commented.

"No…he's mine." said a sinister voice.

"OROCHIMARU!" Hidan yelled and punched Sakura.

"M-m-master? I thought you were dead! I thought I killed you!" Kabuto stuttered.

"Silly Kabuto. You? Kill me? That was all an act. Why, I merely used the replacement technique, kukukuku."

* * *

"**Jiraiya, why is there a log in the announcers booth?"**

"**Darn that snake, he always manages to slither away!"**

**"Wait there's a note on the log Jiraiya."**

**"What's it say?"**

**"It says 'I am a snake on the hunt for dinner, but I do not have my venom...'**

**"It's a riddle! But what is his dinner?"**

**"..and his Venom."**

* * *

"So Sasuke, about that body of yours – ack!"

Hidan got Orochimaru in a chokehold.

"'Ruto, want to do the honours?"

"Don't mind if I do!" Naruto said, forming a rasengan and hurling it at Orochimaru.

Meanwhile…on the field, Kakashi pitched to Kurotsuchi and she hit the ball into the air. However, no one was currently interested in the game as they were watching Orochimaru fly through the air and crash through the glass of the announcers booth.

The ball landed on the grass and Kurotsuchi took her time skipping to all the bases and finally reaching home base.

"Home run!" Tsunade slurred, waving her sake bottle in the air.

* * *

Madara shook his head. He should have known better than to resurrect Orochimaru as a judge. That man's Uchiha fetish was just far too unhealthy. But luckily the baseball match was back in progress and that filthy snake was incapacitated (he hoped). Now, he just had that other matter to attend to…

"Pssst! Hey! Third Hokage's grandson, stop making out with Hiashi's daughter and come here," Madara said, beckoning to Konohamaru who had his arms around Hanabi and his tongue down her throat. They ignored him and continued to make out. "Ahem! Madara Uchiha here trying to get your attention!"

"Sorry," Konohamaru said, finally tearing his lips away from Hanabi's, "What is it?"

"Is that any way to talk to a great ninja like me?"

Konohamaru and Hanabi stared at him. Madara sighed.

He then pulled out what looked like a video camera from inside his cloak and handed it to Konohamaru. "That's the kiss cam."

"The…kiss cam?"

"Yes. The big screen in the stadium which will stream whatever you film with that. Now, you'll mostly be filming the baseball match, but listen here and listen good," Madara said, stalking closer to Konohamaru who was backing away slowly, "At every break, you're going to put up the kiss cam sign and zero in on a couple and they have to kiss. You make sure that one of those couples is Tsunade-hime and myself, and I will reward you most graciously…"

"What's the reward?" Hanabi piped up.

"My autograph."

"Forget it."

"How ungrateful, other ninja would kill for my autograph!" Madara said angrily.

"Its cash or nothing ," Konohamaru said, folding his arms.

"Fine…fine…are you two proud of yourselves for extorting money out of an elderly individual?"

"Yes. Yes we are," said Hanabi.

Madara gave them some change that he had in his pocket.

"Do you think we're messing around here? Hand over more!" Konohamaru demanded.

Madara searched all his pockets and came up with nothing. Not a cent. "Mind if I write a check?"

"Only if it's for ten million US Dollars!" Hanabi said.

"What?" Madara asked, genuinely confused.

"Hanabi wait, make that ten billion US Dollars!"

Madara frowned at them from under his mask, but he pulled out his checkbook and wrote a check for ten billion US Dollars. He was pretty sure that they wouldn't be able to cash it in the ninja world anyway.

"Hah! We tricked you! We know that such money doesn't exist in this world! Shame on you," Konohamaru said.

Madara clenched his fists, he was only one last nerve away from punching the both of them in to oblivion. Konohamaru whispered something in Hanabi's ear and she giggled and nodded.

"We will do it," Konohamaru said.

Madara handed over the camera, but as he was thinking thoughts about how he was going to finally make out with Hashirama's granddaughter, he missed the devious smiles that were on Hanabi's and Konohamaru's faces.

* * *

"Damn Sakura why are the Kazekage and Nagato glaring at you? Did you do something useless again?" Hidan said.

"NO! I - I upset them."

"Sakura we've told you over and over again, that the things that come out of your mouth when you open it are irrelevant to everything and no one wants to hear it."

"Shut up Naruto no baka."

"Bitch you look like a testicle."

She slapped Naruto.

Hidan laughed at Naruto's jab.

"I mean seriously Sakura." Sasuke started. "You are so unimportant that on the Naruto based games you don't have to be unlocked. At least My Sharingan abilities have to be unlocked, and Naruto's Kyuubi powers have to be unlocked and even Hidan himself has to be unlocked. You are just regular canon fodder You have no special ninjutsu, you have barely capable genjutsu and your taijutsu is just punch and break things. You epically fail you useless as hell Naruto character, and not to mention bitch you look like Cell jr."

Sakura nearly died as Sasuke ranted on.

"Damnit Sasuke, if you would have kept going I think that you would have killed her. You were almost there." Nagato complained.

* * *

Konohamaru and Hanabi were crouched behind an unsuspecting Deidara. Kono was holding the Kiss cam.

"Ready Hanabi-chan?"

"Oh I LOVE it when you call me chan sweetie."

"Baby wait till we're done then you can have all the Konohamaru in your belly you want."

"What the hell are the12 year olds talking about?" Deidara said as he turned around and caught sight of them.

"NOW!"

* * *

AN- WHAT ARE KONOHAMARU AND HANABI UP TOO?

WILL OROCHIMARU STAY PUT? WHAT DID HIS NOTE ON THE LOG MEAN?

WILL SAKURA EVER STOP BEING BASHED? (no)

TUNE IN NEXT TIME ON ANOTHER THRILLING INSTALLMENT OF THE N.A.S.T!

TELL YUR FRIENDS ABOUT US!


	11. Chapter 11

**AN- AND WE'RE BACK WITH ANOTHER WACKED OUT CHAPTER OF THE NINJA ALLSTARS TOURNAMENT. BEFORE WE START INUYONAS WOULD LIKE TO LET YOU ALL KNOW THAT HE DOES NOT HATE SAKURA. NOT EVEN IN THE SLIGHTEST. IN FACT SAKURA IS AN AWESOME SHIPPUDDEN CHARACTER! SHE'S SUPER STRONG AND KNOWS TONS OF MEDICAL JUTSU. SO WHY BASH HER YOU MUST BE WONDERING...**

**SIMPLY BECAUSE IT'S TOO DAMN FUNNY.**

**ANYWHO THANX TO ALL WHO REVIEWED.**

**THANKS TO :**

**Echo Uchiha-She is the embodiment of awesome  
**  
**N.V.9- A faithful reviewer who has literally TONS of stories lol.  
**  
**Lady Crack- Lady crack...you better cover up yours...Orochimaru might break loose at any time..(Do you get the joke lol it's kinda perverted lol...this is Inuyonas by the way so if you get offended then don't blame Hana-01 :))  
**  
**Selkadoom13-Sakura is bashed just for you.  
**  
**Yuti-Chan-Konohamaru and Hanabi are coming after you next.  
**  
**maxridelover- Sakura is blaming you for all the bashing.  
**  
**THEKyuubi27-OH S**T IT'S THE KYUUBI!...27 OF EM!  
**  
**FlashDance002-PFFT! I (Inuyonas) can dance better... **

**amaranteotaku- Inuyonas doesn't hate Sakura...it's just easy to make fun of her...and also everyone Inuyonas and Amaranteotaku are collabing in the future...be on the look out...I'm just a dirty little collabing whore aren't I lol Well I don't care...I'm just that kinda guy. lol  
**  
**QuietForest-Since when is a forest quiet with all those damn insects and animals in there?  
**  
**Blue Thundering Flame-lol it's funny to picture an actual flame thundering...  
**  
**Blood of the Foxes-...Are you the Kyuubi aswell?  
**  
**bjdjfjejdj- Excuse me sir but I (Inuyonas) have no idea how to pronounce this. It seems like someone had an orgasm while typing. (XD I'm joking)  
**  
**BlacktotheBerry-Naruto and Hidan are awesome tag teams, Itachi and Kakashi are aswell and so is Kisame and Jiraiya...but you have yet to hear about Nagato and Gaara...or Sasuke and his partner...  
**  
**hypnotic flames-SO you want Sasuke bashed...let me warn Sakura will get bashed as well lol  
**  
**darkchain zangetsu-Sakura says if you diss her one more time she gonna punch through your firewall and destroy your internet connection..(Random I know...I came up with that on the spot.)  
**  
**Dcfan100-So you own with Batman...well I own with Superman...plus he can fly...so there...  
**  
**Danasca- I quote in your review.."**I"LL UNLEASH THE HELL OF A THOUSAND BUTTERFLYS UPON YOU! *puts on butterfly suit* WE FLUTTER AT NOON! TO THE CHRYSANTHIMUMS BOYS!"- **What is this team venture? Are you the monarch? lmao...It is so fun writing the Author's notes. Danasca you're awesome :)**

**blazingreaper- Blaze on...Blaze on...but don't get too high...Cause when you fall it's gonna hurt...  
**  
**CreCre- I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that your a girl...well it might be YOU that ends up on the kiss cam...but I (Inuyonas) don't know who else...  
**  
**Ndasuunye-Yeah you were right on the mark with your review...That's exactly what oro meant...thanx for the review...btw did you kick Shikamaru's ass yet?**

**The Blood Red Rose- Thanks for your review!**

* * *

**Chapter 11**

Last time on NAST…

Konohamaru and Hanabi were crouched behind an unsuspecting Deidara. Kono was holding the Kiss cam.

"Ready Hanabi-chan?"

"Oh I LOVE it when you call me chan sweetie."

"Baby wait till we're done then you can have all the Konohamaru in your belly you want."

"What the hell are the12 year olds talking about?" Deidara said as he turned around and caught sight of them.

"NOW!"

Hanabi glomped Deidara, grabbed the sides of his face and planted her lips on his. Konohamaru then turned on the camera and focused on them while it was being streamed on the big screen.

Deidara was struggling in her grasp but Hanabi held on with an iron grip. Many gasps were heard throughout the stadium as they witnessed a huge pink heart on the screen with the image of Deidara apparently kissing Hanabi very passionately.

"**Look Kisame! Girl on girl action!" Jiraiya said excitedly.**

"**Jiraiya, we told you already, Deidara is a man…"**

"**Damn this penis of mine!"**

* * *

Hinata was gazing at the screen in shock. How dare that blonde-haired, girly looking man befoul her little sister's innocence like that? She clenched her fists.

Omoi was at the plate and Kakashi pitched quite a rough ball his way but Omoi, determined this time, hit it hard. It flew past Hinata who made no move to catch or stop it.

Instead, she shunshined into the stands and jyuukened Deidara into the wall.

**"GIRL FIGHT!"**

**"Jiraiya I keep telling you that Deidara is in fact a Man."**

**"CURSE MY SAGE COCK!"**

"H-Hinata nee-san!" Hanabi said in awe, looking at her sister who had her byakugan activated and was standing in the gentle-fist stance.

Deidara lay embedded in the wall for a few seconds before sliding down. "What the hell, un!"

Konohamaru was sniggering as he still had the camera rolling.

"How dare you touch my sister!" Hinata yelled.

"Say what? _She _kissed _me_, un!"

"Hinata! I didn't, he came on to me," Hanabi said, fake tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Deidara," said the voice of Nagato, "You are always on a quest to prove your art and manliness. I must inform you that making out with a twelve year old doesn't prove that…it proves you're a paedophile."

"I'm not a paedophile! Paedo's are old and Orochimaru-like! I'm only nineteen, un!"

* * *

"**Oho Jiraiya! Would you look at that, Team Awesome just managed to score another point through all this commotion!" Kisame reported.**

"**Yes, they are just 4 points away from winning the game. I wonder how the Epic Team is feeling right now?" Jiraiya commentated.**

Itachi was looking calm, Tayuya was sneaking curious looks at him, towards his crotch area, out of the corner of her eye, Sasori was gazing boredly at Kurenai who had come in to bat, Hinata was standing rigidly, fury written all over her face. Every now and then she would glance towards the big screen to see if Deidara was trying anything with her sister.

Darui was staring up at the sky, Suigetsu was ogling Kurenai, Choujuuro was looking stressed out and Kakashi was staring at his beloved Icha Icha which was being squashed mercilessly by an enraged Tsuchikage.

Yes, none of the members of the Epic Team were quite bothered about their looming defeat except for Choujuuro and Onoki.

"**So Kisame, this kiss cam thing is interesting don't you think?" Jiraiya said, "I would want to be standing next to Tsunade when the kiss cam comes my way!"**

Madara suddenly appeared next to Tsunade on the field, Tsunade was too wasted on sake to pay any mind to this.

"**I want to be next to Sasuke and give him his first kiss which will be mind blasting, life-altering, crotch expanding and nerve tingling," Orochimaru said. **He was still lying on the floor of the announcer's booth.

**"Orochimaru please stand up. Your vagina-dick keeps looking at me."**

**"I'm sorry Kisame...but you can't blame it. It never had a Mer-Man before..."**

**"..."**

**"..."**

**"..."**

**"Did you just call me a merman?"**

"Sorry Orochi-bitch, Naruto already did that," Sasuke said.

"W-what?" Naruto asked shakily.

"Not the mind blasting, life-altering, crotch expanding, nerve tingling part," Sasuke said, rolling his eyes.

"Sasuke-kun…I can give you a kiss that is dreamy, that will blow you away…" Sakura was saying but Sasuke held up his hand to silence her.

"Sakura, your face alone is enough to kill any boner, imagine what having your lips on me would do to me?"

"In Sakura's case it would be a mind destroying, Brain tumour giving, kidney rupturing, crotch deflating, penis injuring, nerve exploding kiss that will most likely cause the start of the fifth great ninja war and extremely severe chakra exhaustion."

"Damn Sakura and that's from the Kazekage himself!" Naruto shouted.

Sasuke laughed along with Hidan.

* * *

Kakashi pitched to Kurenai and she sent the ball flying with ease. It was soaring past Darui and he was sluggishly chasing after it. By the time he got to it, Kurenai had already ran past all the bases to home base, earning her a thunderous applause from Team Awesome fans.

Mei high-fived her, "Yes! Three more to go, that old coot's team is going down! Plant guy, get out there!"

"Time for me to get a point," the white half of Zetsu said, picking up his bat.

"**I'll get the point," **the black half grabbed the bat from the white half.

"Don't touch my shit man!" white half said, grabbing it back.

They continued struggling for the bat while standing at the pitch. Kakashi got irritated and pitched. At that moment, the black half yanked the bat back from the white half and it miraculously connected with the ball.

"**I hit it!"**

"Then let's run!"

The black half threw the bat down and ran.

Suigetsu at second base saw this as an ideal opportunity to turn into a puddle of water to try and trip Zetsu on his way to home base. Zetsu slipped on Suigetsu, and skidded and slid right into home base.

"**Ohhhh, Team Awesome is massacring the Epic Team out there with just two more points to win!" Kisame said.**

"**Look at the Old Tsuchikage, he's pulling at what little hair he has left, he can't believe it!" Jiraiya shouted.**

Mei was jumping up and down in the dugout. _I'm getting that much closer to winning a date with Madara-sama, ahahahaha!_

"Oooh! Oooh! Can I go next?" Karui asked, feeling amped.

"Go!" Mei said clapping her on the back.

When Itachi saw Karui come on to the field, he unconsciously put his hand in front of his crotch in fear that she would accidently hit him again.

Karui hit the ground with her bat, causing dust to cloud Choujuuro's vision. "Hit me with your best pitch, Sharingan Kakashi!"

Kakashi pitched a slow ball towards her but she swung fast and missed.

"Strike one!" Madara called, because he noticed that Tsunade was standing and sleeping.

_Dammit, where are these lousy kids with that kiss cam, I want to kiss my princess!_

Meanwhile Konohamaru and Hanabi were sneakily making their way towards Sasuke and gang.

Kakashi grinned and pitched again, Karui swung even before the ball reached her.

"Strike two!"

"Karui! Focus, calm down!" Omoi called from the dugout.

"I am damn calm!" Karui screamed.

"Oh no you aren't…" Itachi muttered.

"What did you say?" Karui screamed again.

"Calmness, you lack it."

"Haha! Points, your team lacks it!" Karui countered as the last pitch came her way. She closed her eyes and swung.

She hit!

Karui threw her bat recklessly in the air and sprinted towards home base.

"**Damn! Team Awesome just needs one more point to win this!" Jiraiya said, on the edge of his seat.**

An air of despair had settled around the Epic Team.

_No matter what the outcome, I can't wait to be reunited with you my Icha Icha…_Kakashi thought, as Ino stepped out into the field. She was nervous as hell, she could be the one to win it for her team now…then Naruto would notice her, applaud and cheer for her. She cast a look towards Hinata who was looking determined…determined to be the one to get Ino out and have Naruto cheer for her instead.

Ino raised her bat and focused on Kakashi.

This was it.

This was the moment.

The stadium was silent.

Kakashi cast a look at his Icha Icha paradise and smiled fondly. _We will be together soon._

Itachi closed his eyes, he didn't want to see.

Kakashi pitched, hard and fast, a white blur was hurtling towards Ino. She stepped forward and swung with all her might. A loud crack was heard as the ball went flying right out of the stadium.

Ino stood there in shock and then ran. Kakashi heaved a sigh. Itachi opened one eye. Hinata hung her head. Darui shrugged. Choujuuro sniffed. Sasori yawned. Tayuya swore. Suigetsu scratched his head. Onoki threw the Icha Icha book into the air, "USELESS! ALL OF YOU!"

The crowd burst into cheers for Team Awesome. Naruto ran onto the field and hoisted Ino onto his shoulders, "Whooop! You were awesome out there Ino!"

Ino blushed and looked at Hinata victoriously.

Hinata glared at Naruto and then looked towards the stands and smiled…Damn them, she would have her revenge…But how would she do it?

* * *

"**Congrats to Team Awesome. That was an awesome display of baseball out there! Look at the gorgeous Mizukage celebrate with her team!" Jiraiya said.**

"**So much excitement, but it's not over yet folks, yes, it is far from over, because up next is Team Troublesome facing up against Team High Voltage! What will they have in store for us?" Kisame commented.**

"**Sasuke-kun's team? I do hope they win…" Orochimaru said.**

_Orochimaru-sama, I have another chance to prove my worth to you, I will emerge victorious in this match and I will win over your affections. This time, I will not fail you My Master…_Kabuto thought while taking out Orochimaru's penis. It had protected him when Sasuke tried to Chidori him, so now he begun to think of it like a good luck charm.

* * *

Konohamaru and Hanabi jumped in front of Sasuke and Sakura, holding the kiss cam. The image of Sasuke and Sakura in a big heart was visible on the screen with the words written "KISS!" at the bottom in loopy gold font.

"Kiss, kiss, kiss!" the crowd began chanting. (The crowd consists of Everyone you ever saw on Naruto. This includes civilians and other unimportant ninja plus everyone that's participating in the tournament.)

Sakura turned to Sasuke, her eyes shining with happiness, leaning in closer to Sasuke. Finally, she could get to kiss the man of her dreams!

Sasuke panicked. There was no way his penis was going to get injured. He did the replacement technique…using Kabuto as the replacement. Suddenly, Kabuto was standing next to Sakura in the kiss cam heart, rubbing something in his hand.

"**Orochimaru…is that your…" Jiraiya trailed, turning horrified towards the snake sannin.**

**Orochimaru coughed, "Yes it is! Oh I feel sick…I feel violated! Kabuto you vile boy!"**

**"Whoa..uh...my what big eyes it has.." Kisame said in awe and wondering why his cock had eyes.**

**Orochimaru smiled deviously. "The better to see you with my dear."**

**"And what big arms it has." Jiraiya said nervously also wondering if Orochimaru experimented on himself.**

**"The better to massage you with my dear."**

**"And what big-wait...Why does it have teeth?"**

**"The better TO EAT YOU WITH!" Oro screamed.**

Just then the cock Kabuto was holding came alive and grew 20 times it size. It opened its mouth full of razor sharp teeth and snarled forcing everyone to jump back.

"OH MY GOD! KILLER COCK!" Hidan slapped Sakura.

"And I bet it STILL won't touch Sakura." Naruto commented.

Sakura screamed, inches away from Kabuto's lips when she realised it wasn't Sasuke.

"B-but Master! I was just rubbing it for good luck!"

**"RUBBING IT HAS TURNED IT INTO SOMETHING MORE VICIOUS THAN SAMEHADA!" Kisame exclaimed.**

"Fuck but that's seriously nasty," Hidan commented, "However, it could have been worse, you could have kissed Sakura too."

"Yeah, if it were me, I'd rather be eaten by Orochimaru's cock. You might want to stop rubbing it though.." Naruto said.

Kabuto stopped mid rub and the cock returned to normal.

* * *

**"Will the final two teams step out onto the field." Jiraiya announced.**

Tsunade was in the dugout drunk out of her mind.

"Ok...ok...ok ok ok ko k ok...OK!" SHe said drunk-like.

"Now we are here for a very important reason...and that is,...uh..."

"To win Tsunade-sama." Shikamaru said.

"EXACTLY! And we are playing...uh..."

"Baseball." Shika added again.

"YESH! WE'RE PLAYING WITH BALLS! and uh...we're gonna win!" Tsunade said almost falling down due to her drunk state.

"Why is your kage a drunk?" Kankurou asked.

"Why is YOUR kage eyebrowless?" Kiba asked.

"Enough of this." Sasuke stood up in the dugout.

"We are gonna win this. We are gonna crush the other team to oblivion. There is no one better than us. Why is this? Because Sasuke Uchiha is on this team."

"Big whoop." Kabuto said.

Sasuke glared at Kabuto. He activated his Mangekyou.

Kabuto flinched a bit.

"There is no time for snide comments. We have a game to win."

Sasuke then dramatically turned his head toward the entrance of the dugout.

* * *

The Raikage was standing in his dugout

"Shi, Konan, Choji, Gai, Kakuzu, Sakon, Karin, Killer Bee , You all have one thing in common. Do you know what that is?" asked the Raikage.

"We all think Samui is hot?" Sakon asked.

"No..."

"Well she is pretty hot." Kakuzu said.

"We all wanna know who the hell Shi is?" Konan suggested.

"Who's that?" Choji asked.

"She's Shi." Shi said aggravated.

"Shi who?"

"She's Shi."

"She who?"

"Who's shi?"

"Shi's Shi."

"Shi's what?"

Apparently Choji did not get it.

Shi looked depressed. "This always happens. I'm a guy."

"No." Raikage answered.

"We all dealt with Orochimaru somehow?" Karin said.

"Only the rest of us didn't spread our legs like you Karin." Ukon said.

Sakon laughed.

"No." started A. "The one thing you all have in common is...YOU ARE ALL MY BITCHES!" He yelled making everyone flinch.

"Now get out there and win!"

* * *

Team Troublesome were in the outfield

On first base was Kiba, on second base was Shino, and on third base was Shikamaru. In the outfield between first and second base stood Kankurou. On the outfield between second and third stood Kabuto.

Pitching was Sasuke and standing next to the pitcher was Juugo. The catcher was Rock Lee.

Team Troublesome had on black pants and, white shoes, and white long sleeved shirts that had a picture of Shikamaru half asleep with a thought bubble that read: Mendukosai.

Karin walked up to home plate with a bat in hand.

Sasuke smirked evilly.

**"And Karin is up to bat first for team High Voltage!" Jiraiya said.**

Karin gripped the bat tight.

"Strike one!" Madara called.

Rock lee held an electric charged ball in his mitt.

"Wha- I didn't even see it!" Karin screamed. _'How can I impress Sasuke if He's trying to kill me with these pitches!'_

"Yosh! Sasuke was most youthful in his pitch!"

"Just throw the ball back Lee." Sasuke said.

Lee threw it back.

"Ok, Karin time to get ready. No more games." She said to herself. "I've got to hit this. I'm gonna-"

"Strike two!"

"What?" Karin asked

Lee was holding yet another lightning charged ball.

"Damn...looks like Karin is going to strike out."

"You mean jut like how you strike out with Sasuke constantly?" Nagato said.

Sakura visibly flinched.

"Sakura you are the reason 4Kids exists." Gaara added.

"Sakura you are the reason Ash stayed the same age for more than 10 years on Pokemon." Naruto said.

"No she's the reason Monkey D. Luffy's brother died in One Piece." Hidan added.

Sakura shook with rage.

"Well now I don't think that's fair."

All eyes turned to who said this.

Standing next to Sakura was Itachi Uchiha.

Sakura looked puzzled. Out of everyone here she didn't think the Missing nin Uchiha would stick up for her.

"It could be worse. Sakura could be Tayuya."

"I think Sakura's worse than Tayuya." Hidan said.

"Yeah I mean at least Tayuya was part of Orochimaru's elite Sound 4. Sakura was Useless until Shippudden. And that was a LOOOOONG time." Naruto said.

"And Tayuya was a beast when she fought Shikamaru at first…" Hidan added.

"So it's agreed. Sakura Haruno is more useless at Handicap parking spaces at Skating Rinks." Gaara said.

Sakura was trembling with rage. How dare they talk about her like she wasn't there? She was not useless anymore.

And she was gonna prove it.

She balled her fist up.

Every Ninja tensed sensing a sudden increase in chakra. But they were unprepared for what happened next.

"SHANNARO!"

Sakura Haruno punched the row she was sitting on.

The result was catastrophic. The entire stadium shook violently and began to collapse. People began to shout their panicking cries.

"What the hell is going on?"

"The stadium is collapsing!"

"Did Chouji fart again?"

"The world's ending!"

"SASUNARU4EVAR!" (Surprisingly after this was said the person that said this collapsed unconscious)

* * *

**"What is going on?" Jiraiya announced holding on to his mic for dear life.**

**"I think Brolly just destroyed the stadium!" Kisame said.**

**"No it was Sakura." Orochimaru corrected.**

**"That's what I just said." said Kisame again.**

* * *

"Konohamaru stop filming and let's get somewhere safe!" Hanabi shouted.

But Kono didn't hear. He was too caught up into what he just saw through his cam-corder.

He saw this Hinata appear behind this girl who had just shouted something like "Sasunaru.." or something. And after he said that, the girl collapsed. Hinata was standing directly behind this girl when she collapsed and Konohamaru also swore he saw Hinata deactivate her Byakugan...

And He got it all on camera.

And to make things worse, he could have sworn that Hinata looked directly in his direction and smirked...

Oh shit.

* * *

Madara was angry. He had set so much up for this tournament and that Sakura ape thing just demolished it in one punch. The stupid monkey.

And where the hell did those kids take his precious cam-corder?

* * *

Sasuke noticed the stadium collapsing and smirked.

_'I should use this big distraction to my advantage.'_

He activated his Eternal Mangekyou with his stolen eyes and caught sight of the Raikage.

The Raikage immediately locked gazes with him, not one to back down form a challenge.

That was a bad move for him.

All of a sudden the Raikage walked to the middle of the field and said the following words.

"I forfeit."

"WHAT!" Team high voltage shouted.

"Why would you do that!"

"Raikage!"

"No!" Shi said running up to him.

"Who's that?" CHoji said pointing at SHi.

"Who her?" Kakuzu said.

"Yeah her."

"Shi."

"Yeah her."

"Shi."

"Look I know she's a she but what is her name?" Choji asked getting annoyed.

"When will you all realize I'm a guy?" Shi said with dead panned expression.

"...I'm going to cut the fat off of your back and sell it as a King size mattress." Kakuzu said clearly more annoyed than Choji.

"Finally we have a winner." Madara said. "Now to end this." Madara than warped, taking all the teams with him.

* * *

**A/N- Oooh! What's going to happen next?**

**What does Madara have in store for them now?**

**Review and you shall soon find out!**

**If you review…you get to be in the kiss cam with whoever you desire!**


	12. Chapter 12

AN-WELL FANS...IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME...BUT WE'RE FINALLY BACK AND READY TO GIVE YOU THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF THE NAST!

BUT FIRST THOSE WHO REVIEWED LAST CHAPTER GOT TO BE IN THE KISS CAM. HOW COME NOBODY WANTED TO BE IN THE KISS CAM WITH INUYONAS? HUH? ARE Y'ALL TOO GOOD? ARE YOU SAYING I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH? HUH? HUH? I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! (LOL)

THOSE WHO ARE IN THE KISS CAM ARE:

1tE5o6: I will show you your complications.

**Shino: I have to kiss Ino?**

**Ino: I have to kiss bug boy? I'd rather Kiss Sakura.**

**Shino: I find it offensive that you would choose a fate worse than death over me Ino.**

kail420: Jiraiya never stopped believing his penis...until the next chapter that is ...lol

tsunahimechan17: Thanks for reading it multiple times!

thatCHICKyouUSEDtoKNOW: Your story is awesome.

gonbe-chan: Well it's like this. We don't want the rules to be too technical. Maybe that's why it wasn't actually played like the major leagues.

Terryrex: Point taken and will do.

invizabledragon: If dragon's were invisible that would be really bad for some people...namely the people that Dragon's eat. And you can introduce Oro to anything you want.

hypnotic flames: Sakura bashing it is!

**Lelouch: Oh wow. I get to kiss Itachi...YES!**

**Itachi:...Who the hell are you?**

THEKyuubi27: I'm glad you and your 27 Kyuubi's hate Sakura.

amaranteotaku:

**Gai: I think it would be most unyouthful for me to kiss amaranteotaku. I am too old. It s a crime. And crime never pays. Yosh let me repeat myself. CRIME NEVER PAYS.**

**Amaranteotaku: Actually crime pays in unexpected ways.**

**Gai: Yosh I cannot. Kiss lee instead.**

Selkadoom13: Gaara gives props to you.

Blood of the Foxes :

**Tenten: Who do I have to kiss?**

**Uzuki Kona: Me.**

**Tenten: Aww Why do you get a last name?**

**Uzuki shrugs.**

**They kiss.**

**Tenten: Does this mean I'm married now? Can I have your last name?**

**Uzuki:...no...**

darkchain zangetsu: Sakura says that she has paper bombs for your chakra absorbing firewalls...and she's not an ape. But she could be lying though...about the not being an ape thing.

Dcfan100:

**Temari: Well pucker up big boy.**

**Dcfan blushes...and puckers up.**

**Shikamaru walks in.**

**They kiss**

**Shikamaru walks out.**

**Dcfan: Is he gonna kill me now?**

**Temari: No...I saw him doing the same thing to that Ino girl.**

blazingreaper: You know I am kinda hungry now...

B.A.G.E.L: B.A.G.E.L bites Sakura's nose clean off.

QuietForest: Well We updated...now you have to review.

Echo Uchiha: Cool indeed.

CreCre: Well...are you?

Ndasuunye:

**Temari: You want some sugar too? Get ready.**

**Ndasuunye gets ready.**

**Shikamaru walks in.**

**They kiss.**

**Shikamaru walks out.**

**Ndasuunye: Am I going to die now?**

**Temari: No… He is used to it after he saw me with Dcfan100.**

**Ndasuunye: Welp Now I gotta go kill Dcfan100.**

Yuti-Chan:

**Deidara: The kiss cam is only the beginning. Wait till the camera's off Yuti-chan.**

**Yuti-chan blushes extremely hard.**

**Madara: Don't forget I'm involved.**

**Yuti-chan faints in pure bliss...with a nose bleed.**

Lady Crack:

**Lady crack: So whose first to be in the kiss cam with me?**

**Team Sakura F'kin suxxx is lined up at the camera. Along with Epic team, Team Awesome and Team mad...except for Sakura, Tayuya and Orochimaru pretty much everyone's there.**

**Deidara: Wait till the camera's off my fair Lady.**

**Itachi: and I'm involved this time.**

**Naruto: ME TOO TEBAYO!**

**Lady crack has a massive nosebleed and faints.**

**Jiraiya: SCORE! SHE JUST FELL UNCONSCIOUS!**

N.V.9: WE'RE GLAD THAT THIS IS YOUR FAVORITE STORY. I LIKE STORY NUMBER 2,506 OF YOURS LOL

* * *

**And now…the moment you've all been waiting for…**

**Chapter 12**

The eyes of every ninja opened slowly as they found themselves in a new setting. Seagulls squawked overhead in the brilliant blue sky as the sun shone brightly. Palm trees swayed gently in the breeze, waves crashed lazily on the shoreline and cabana music was playing from somewhere in the distance.

Suddenly, the calm, serene atmosphere was interrupted by a loud scream.

"OH MY GOD WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?" Ino screamed, trying to cover up using a palm tree leaf. The rest of the girls also woke up from their daze to realize that they too, had very little on.

"What is the meaning of this, Madara?" Tsunade asked, gesturing to herself as she was clad in a tiny bikini that left little to the imagination.

Madara turned around quickly and lifted up his mask, drained the blood that had accumulated there, put it back on and faced the ninja. "Welcome to the next event!"

"Is it a swimming competition?" Naruto asked excitedly. He, along with the other boys were wearing swimming trunks and t-shirts. Sakura was also wearing trunks and a t-shirt and she stared at the other girls, looking confused.

"Swimming competition? I've got it in the bag," Suigetsu said with a smug grin on his face.

"No, not a swimming competition-"

"Where's my bikini?"

Madara looked up and down at Sakura, "Oh, my mistake."

Sakura clenched her fists while everyone around her sniggered.

"Is it yachting?" Naruto asked again, "Surfing? Beach volleyball? Fishing?"

Madara held up his hands to silence Naruto, "It is…" and he paused for dramatic effect, "A ninja egg and spoon race."

Confused and disbelieving faces gaped back at him.

"So…you brought us out to this idyllic beach…to have an egg and spoon race?" Itachi asked.

"A Ninja egg and spoon race," Madara emphasized.

"What's a ninja egg and spoon race?" Temari asked irritably as she shielded her chest from the view of Jirobo, who was looking at it and licking his lips.

"I'm so glad you asked!" Madara said loudly, " Team leaders, you need to select a ninja who you deem worthy of participating in the event. The participants will have to race through a trail that I ingeniously created, with an egg in a spoon in hand and by the time they have reached the finish line, the egg must be either fried, scrambled, boiled or poached – that, dear ninja's is a ninja egg and spoon race."

"That is ridiculous!" the Tsuchikage scoffed.

"I agree! What is the purpose of such an absurd race and these horrible outfits?"

"Ahem. This is my tournament, hence I call the shots. None of you here have a say in the matter," Madara said.

"Geez what a dic-" Karui started.

"-tator," Omoi finished quickly.

* * *

Naruto walked towards Ino who was in a huddle with her teammates . He stopped behind her and then nervously gave her a tap on her shoulder. Ino turned around and gave him a bright smile.

"Uh…so…" Naruto began awkwardly, trying hard to keep his eyes on her face and not elsewhere. He then pulled off his shirt and handed it to her. "For you to cover up, in case you're feeling awkward."

"Such a gentleman," Ino beamed, pulling the t-shirt over her head.

Naruto grinned back at her.

She smiled back at him.

"Ahem. I hate to break up this little love fest, but we have work to do," the Mizukage snapped. She was jealous that Madara wasn't offering his shirt to her. Not that, she wanted to cover up, she was pretty happy to display the goods but the problem was that Madara wasn't even paying any attention to her.

Naruto was feeling rather proud of himself as he walked back to his team. He had a silly grin on his face but it was quickly wiped off when he received a blow to the head, "Idiot!" Sasuke muttered under his breath, frowning at him.

"What the hell is your problem you bastard!"

"Your whole gentleman act just robbed us of a nice set of twins to look at."

O_o

"Twins? What twins?"

Sasuke sighed and turned away, coming face to face with Karin.

"Oh Sasuke, can I have your shirt?" she cooed.

* * *

**"Balmy breezes, stretches of white sand and a sparkling ocean for as far as the eye can see, I must say, I am in heaven!"** Kisame commented.

The announcers booth was now a tree house situated high on top of huge tree overlooking the track.

**"It is wonderful indeed! It's an Icha Icha fantasy out there,"** Jiraiya was saying, blood trickling from his nostrils, **"OH TSUNADE BABY!"**

This time, Orochimaru and Kisame were restraining Jiraiya from escaping.

"Hmph. When will that old fart learn that Tsunade-hime is mine and only mine?" Madara thought out loud.

Tsunade's left eye twitched as she tried to speak to her team to choose an individual for the race. She figured that Sasuke would be the best choice since he was a fire type and he was fast.

"Sasuke," Tsunade said.

There was no response.

"Sasuke?" Tsunade asked, looking up.

She was astonished to see where his attention was.

"Guess Sasuke is a boob guy," Shikamaru commented.

* * *

One blue eye later, Sasuke stood at the starting line with his egg and spoon, representing Team Troublesome. Surprisingly, Madara and Mei were representing their teams.

"WHAT!" Tsuchikage roared, "Since when are team leaders allowed to compete?"

"My tournament, my rules," Madara said airily.

Stepping up for the Epic Team was Itachi, Team Sakura F'kkn suxxx chose Asuma who was standing with his cigarette in his mouth.

"If I do not win, I will swim nude in the ocean!"

Yes, representing Team High Voltage was Gai.

* * *

**"On your mark,"** Kisame started.

**"Get sssssssset,"** Orochimaru said.

**"GO!"** Jiraiya finished.

* * *

The contestants sped off with Gai taking the lead.

"Woohoo! Behold the youth blazing through my veins!"

CRACK! SPLAT!

In all his youthful exuberance, the egg had fallen to the ground.

"Ffffffffuuuuu-!" the Raikage raged.

Everyone else groaned…Gai was going to swim nude in the ocean…

* * *

Sasuke and Itachi were now leading and were neck and neck, but Itachi already had his egg neatly cracked on the spoon, the discarded shells flew and hit Sasuke in the face.

"Nii-san! I will beat you!"

"Foolish little brother, you are so blinded by your desire to be first that I doubt you will see that tree incoming in 3…2…1…"

CRASH

Sasuke slammed into the tree but somehow managed to keep his egg on the spoon. Naruto and Hidan were practically rolling around on the ground in laughter.

"Sasuke-kun! Your beautiful face!" all his fangirls cried.

"Hn," Sasuke said, carrying on with the race even though his other eye was now turning blue. Itachi already progressed to frying up his egg with a small amount of fire from his mouth.

"I'll do one better, I'll scramble it!" Sasuke declared, performing a katon technique. Asuma was taking it easy, jogging along as he applied heat to the spoon and his egg was being fried perfectly. Mei was concentrating more on how to impress Madara, when he suddenly disappeared. He was gone to the other dimension to quickly prepare an omelette.

Suddenly, a bunch of coconuts rained down over Itachi, causing him to nearly veer off course and lose his egg. Sasuke managed to dodge the coconut trap but Mei wasn't so lucky as she tripped on them and dropped her egg that was almost poached to perfection.

Asuma steadily jogged passed all the commotion and took the lead.

Meanwhile, Madara was busy adding pepper and cheese to his omelette, while sniggering. "They must have encountered my traps right about now. That should slow them down. Team Mad needs this point. I can't afford to lose out on a date with Tsunade-hime…"

**"AND ASUMA WINS!"**

"WHAT!"

Every ninja shouted...except Asuma.

Asuma was standing behind the finish line holding his egg and surprisingly his egg was holding a joint.

"What the hell? How is his egg smoking?" Hidan asked.

"Like father like son huh?"

"Shut up dobe."

"It's not even cooked. How does he win?" Temari asked.

Asuma shrugged and looked at his egg.

"Oh man...I am so f'kin baked." said Asuma's egg.

...

...

...

...

Madara appeared.

"All right is everyone ready for me to win?" He said cheerfully.

"Asuma already won." Tsunade explained.

"How?" said Madara looking at Asuma. "His egg is still an egg."

"It's baked." Chouji said.

"No it's still an egg."

"It's baked." said Chouji again.

"Look, do you not see that egg in his hand?"

"I see it."

"Then how does he win?"

"It's baked."

"How?"

"Do you see that joint the egg is holding?"

"Yes."

It's baked."

"..."

"..."

"..."

Madara looked around.

He looked at Tsunade.

She nodded that Chouji was right.

He looked at Onoki.

He nodded too.

He looked at Mei.

She nodded and blushed.

He looked at Gaara.

He nodded.

He looked at the Raikage.

He nodded.

He looked at the egg.

The egg nodded.

He looked at Orochimaru.

He licked his lips and was staring at Sasuke.

He looked at Jiraiya.

He nodded.

He looked at Tsunade's boobs.

They nodded.

He looked at Sakura.

And vomited inside of his mask.

"F'k it. Let's just get to the next sport." said Madara as he snapped his fingers.

The air around the ninja rippled, like a disturbed pond and The scenery changed. Now they were out on an American football stadium.

* * *

Jiraiya, Kisame and Orochimaru were in the announcer's booth.

**"Ladies and gentleman...and Sakura."** Jiraiya began.

Sakura glared.

**"It's now time for the net event. A football game. Not just any football game mind you, but AMERICAN football!"** Jiraiya announced.

**"How do you play?"** Kisame asked.

**"Well Kisame, normally there are a bunch of technical rules and whatnot but since we're ninja who don't obey the rules I'm going to explain the short version. One person is chosen on a team as the Quarter back. The quarter back throws the ball to a teammate and that teammate has to run inside of the Touch Down area while avoiding being tackled or being thrown to the ground, Which is located on the opposite end of the field. If the ball is knocked out of someone's grip then it's whoever gets it first."**

* * *

"All this talk about quarters has peeked my interest." Kakuzu said.

"Figures, un."

Suddenly a little boy with bright red hair ran up to Sakura.

"Hey Excuse me but can I have your autograph?" asked the little boy.

Sakura was shocked. Did this boy really want her autograph? Maybe everyone didn't think she was useless after all. She smiled at the kid.

"Sure!" She said happily taking out pen and paper and writing her name on it. She then handed it to the boy.

The boy looked at it with excitement in his eyes.

"Who's Sakura?"

Sakura raised an eyebrow.

"Pardon me!"

A woman with bright red hair made her way to Sakura.

"Who are -"

"Chad! What are you doing?" Screamed the red-haired woman looking at the red haired boy.

_'Is this his mother_?' Sakura thought.

"Excuse me but what is going on?" Sakura asked aloud.

The mother looked at Sakura and grinned sheepishly.

"I'm terribly sorry Sakura-san but my son thought you were Captain Ginyu of the Ginyu force."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"HAHAHAHAHA!

"HOOHOAHAHAHAHA!"

Naruto and Hidan were rolling on the floor howling with laughter.

"Shut up!" She snapped.

"So which team goes first?" Sasuke asked.

**"First teams up are Team Sakura...F'kin suxxx vs the Epic Team!"** Jiraiya announced.

"Well that answers that." Sasori commented.

**"The rest of the teams will sit on the stadium surrounding the field, on the opposite side of where the many fans are sitting."** Kisame instructed.

Team Sakura f'kin suxx and the Epic Team made their way down to the football field.

They stood facing each other on opposite sides of the 50 yard line. Tsunade stood in the middle.

"Ok listen up. I will flip this coin. You each will call heads or tails, and whichever side it lands on will determine who will get the ball first. You have to call your side while the coin is in the air." Tsunade explained.

She flipped the coin.

"HEADS!" The Tsuchikage screamed.

"NOT HEADS!" Gaara shouted.

The coin landed on tails.

"YES! WE GET BALL FIRST! WE'RE GONNA OWN YOU BITCHES!" Hidan shouted.

"Own me? Excuse me but I'm Itachi Uchiha. We do not get owned."

"Just like how Ino didn't own you in the last competition." Hidan said.

"Yeah, well maybe you didn't realize this but...I'M NARUTO UZUMAKI! THE NEXT HOKAGE! I DON'T LOSE! Besides, the fans are on my side."

"It doesn't matter who you are. I will not lose."

Surprisingly it was Hinata who said this.

"Hinata?" Naruto said confused. Since when did Hinata grow a back bone?

"Since when did Hinata grow a back bone?" Neji asked.

Naruto looked over at Neji wondering if he could read minds.

Hinata was determined to show Naruto that she wasn't Sakura. She was strong and she was going to prove it to him.

"Alright enough trash talking." Tsunade said holding up her hand.

"Nobody said anything about Sakura ma'am."

Naruto high fived Hidan.

"Ok take your ball." Tsunade handed the football to Naruto.

"Hey I don't want to be the guy who throws it. Hey you!" Naruto said pointing at Kidomaru.

"Guy with many arms, you be quarter back because you have many arms."

"Ok." Kidomaru said.

"Get into positions!" Gaara yelled from the sidelines. He was standing next to Onoki.

Kidomaru stood behind his team with the football in his third right arm from the bottom. In front of him standing in a line were Naruto, Matsuri, Deidara, Yamato, Neji, Asuma and Hidan. They stood ready. Facing them were the opposing team. Each member of the Epic Team stood in front of someone. Sasori stood in front of Hidan, Kakashi stood in front of Asuma, Darui stood in front of Neji, Suigetsu stood in front of Yamato, Chojuro stood in front of Deidara, Hinata stood in front of Matsuri, and Itachi stood in front of Naruto. Tayuya stood behind her teammates waiting for her chance to attack was a 10 foot space between the two teams.

Team SFS were wearing the same thing from the baseball competition. So was the Epic Team.

Tsunade grabbed a whistle from nowhere.

"Now when I blow this whistle you may start. When I blow it a second time you will stop. The first team to score ten touchdowns win."

She put the whistle to her mouth. Oh how Madara wished he was that whistle.

"Oh how I wish I was that whistle."

See?

Tsunade blew the whistle.

Team SFS took off running full speed forward toward the touchdown. Tayuya smiled deviously. She rushed at Kidomaru.

Kidomaru was frantic. He was busy searching for a teammate who was open so he could throw the ball to. He barely noticed Tayuya. When he did she was a foot away from him. He instinctively ran to his right barely avoiding a swipe from her hand. She chased after him immediately.

He was running along the 50 yard line.

"Damn nobody is open!" He said running away from Tayuya. All looked lost...

But then...

"Wait, Naruto looks like he is open! I hope this works!" He hurled the ball with all his might toward Naruto who was 30 yards down field around the 20 yard line. It was a good thing he did too because right after the ball left his hand Tayuya tackled the shit out of him.

Naruto saw the ball coming toward him and ran along the 20 yard line so he could catch it. He was almost to it.

Just a little more.

He was there. Now all he had to do was wait for the ball to fall in his hands.

Then suddenly someone appeared right above him in mid-air.

"What the?"

It was none other than Itachi Uchiha.

"You are not faster than me Uzumaki. No one can best an Uchiha." He said still in the air.

Kidomaru looked crestfallen. "No! Damn him!" He said from his spot on the ground.

As the ball was about to fall into Itachi's grip something unexpected happened.

Another person appeared in front of Itachi, who was still in the air. This person caught the ball and landed on the ground, then sprinted past Naruto to Team Sakura F'kin Suxxx's touchdown to earn a point for Team Sakura ...F'kinn suxxx.

* * *

**"AND Team Sakura...F'KIN SUXXX scores the first touchdown!"** Jiraiya announced.

**"But who was that person that scored?"** Kisame asked.

**"Why it was Naruto!"** Orochimaru said.

**"But Naruto is still standing by Itachi?"** Kisame said.

**"Shadow clones!"** Jiraiya suddenly shouted.

**"Shadow clone indeed. My are they useful. Especially when alone thinking about Sasuke and wanting to act out your own fantasy with a combination of the transformation jutsu."** Orochimaru said.

**"...umm...That is an image that should be banned from the internet."** Jiraiya said.

* * *

Tsunade blew the whistle again.

"Itachi you may be faster, but I'm more unpredictable." Naruto said to Itachi.

Itachi smirked. "This shall be interesting. Two powerful forces going against each other. The unbeatable Itachi Uchiha vs. The crowd's favorite unstoppable Naruto Uzumaki."

"Hey did you have to hit me so hard?"

"I will do whatever it takes for Naruto to notice me."

"Well then why don't you hit him next time?" Matsuri said.

"Did you see that? Naruto owned Itachi!" Ino screamed.

"Yeah he wasn't that great..." Sakura said

"Shut up forehead your just jealous that Naruto is almost mine."

"How could I be jealous of that dork." Sakura said. "Besides I set my sights a little higher Ino. I want Sasuke."

"Sakura the day I like you, is the day Yaoiweh is considered an actual person. And since that day is never coming then you might want to set your sights a little lower." Sasuke said.

"Hmmmm...What about Itachi?"

"Forehead he said lower not higher."

"Hmm, I bet that I could get Itachi…" Sakura said, smirking slightly.

"Yeah, get him sick that is," Ino said. She and Tenten fist-bumped each other.

"So it's on. I will make Itachi Uchiha MINE."

"Did I hear something about a bet? Can I get in on it?" Kakuzu asked, pushing his way in between Sakura and Ino, holding a fistful of cash in his hand and waving it about.

"Uhh sure, Forehead here thinks she can become Itachi Uchiha's girlfriend, and I bet she doesn't stand a chance."

Kakuzu burst out laughing…which was a very scary thing.

"I too will bet that she can't."

"The odds are stacked against you, Forehead," Ino said in a sing-song voice.

"Watch me," Sakura said determinedly.

Sasuke was twitching. And just like that, discarded by his biggest fangirl for his brother. He turned his head dramatically and saw that Karin was mere inches away from him, batting her eyelashes, looking all coy and puckering her lips, "Oh Sasuke."

"Oh God."

"Oh Sasuke, I will be forever yours, my love for you is everlasting and as certain as the dawning of a new day."

Sasuke shuddered.

Karin held out her arms and moved to embrace him when suddenly there was a cloud of smoke and she found herself hugging a log.

* * *

Kidomaru had the ball once again and looked around anxiously for a teammate that was open. His eyes met Tayuya's and he gulped. He couldn't afford to be tackled like that again, that last tackle left him with two fractured arms.

He noticed that Naruto was open again. In fact, there were a lot of Naruto clones running around to distract the Epic Team. Kakashi hit one over the head with his book and it vanished.

Kidomaru wasted no time, he threw the ball to a Naruto clone and then ran for his life. The clone caught the ball and threw it to the real Naruto. Naruto sprinted off towards the touchdown area when Itachi appeared in front of him again.

"You again!"

Itachi performed some hand seals at lightning speed and suddenly a beautiful dark-haired woman dressed in lingerie was standing before Naruto.

"My sexy technique! How did you?" Naruto asked, gaping.

"There is no technique in the ninja world aside from bloodline limits, that we the Uchiha cannot copy with our Sharingan," the female Itachi said. Madara nodded proudly from the sidelines.

* * *

"**Would you look at that Kisame, now that is what I call genius,"** Jiraiya said.

"**Had no idea that Itachi-san was capable of that…" **Kisame commented.

"**Pretty damn hot," **Jiraiya added, **"Now my penis is confused."**

"**He's Mine," **Orochimaru said with a pout.

* * *

While Naruto was distracted, he was roughly tackled from the side by Suigetsu. The ball flew up into the air and landed in Hinata's arms. She was going for touchdown but was tackled by Matsuri.

"That's my girl," Gaara said.

The girls were locked in a struggle and the ball was now in Neji's grasp.

"**You know what that scene needs?" **asked Jiraiya, watching Matsuri and Hinata.

"**What?" **Kisame asked.

"**Mud and the outfits that they were wearing in the previous event," **Jiraiya said, drool escaping.

_How dare that lecherous old man talk about my cousin that way, damn him! _Neji seethed, losing concentration and also losing the ball to Darui who passed it to Sasori who intercepted it with his chakra strings.

While it was still in the air, Deidara leaped past and snatched it away, "Seeya Sasori-no danna, art is fleeting, just like your possession of the ball!"

Deidara was sprinting with the ball tucked in his arms and the wind in his hair.

He was feeling alive!

He was on fire!

Nothing could stop him now!

BANG!

He was now on the ground and the ball was gone.

"No, art is eternal, just like your stupidity," Sasori said.

* * *

"**WHOA! DID YOU SEE THAT KISAME! DID YOU SEE THAT ORO!" **Jiraiya exclaimed, stunned.

"**Indeed we did Jiraiya. A brilliant maneuver from Hinata as she manages to score a touchdown for the Epic Team," **Kisame said.

"**Poor Deidara got the wind Jyuukened out of him. But no matter, I will tend to his injuries later…" **Orochimaru said slyly.

"**Team Sakura F'kkn suxxx and the Epic Team are tied at one touchdown apiece! Naruto had scored for Team Sakura F'kkn Suxxx and Hinata has scored for the Epic Team!"**

* * *

"What the fuck? Is that even allowed, give her a red card!" Hidan yelled at Tsunade.

"This is not soccer," Tsunade growled.

Hinata looked at Naruto with a triumphant smile on her face while Naruto stared at her in awe.

"How dare she steal my thunder!" Ino yelled, as Hinata was now turned towards her in the stands with the same smile.

"Excellent work so far Team, let's keep this up," Itachi commended them.

Naruto looked from Itachi to Hinata and then realized that maybe this match wasn't going to be as easy as he thought.

* * *

"There you two are!" Madara exclaimed, as he finally found Konohamaru and Hanabi with his camera. The two jumped in surprise, they had been filming the ninja doing random embarrassing things and were planning to use the footage to blackmail the ninja.

"Forgot your jobs already?" Madara said, "If I am not in the kiss cam with Tsunade by the end of this event you two are going to face my wrath!"

The two looked at each other, then looked back at Madara and nodded and smiled sweetly, much too sweetly.

"I have another idea," Hanabi said.

"What is it?" Madara asked skeptically.

"Can we conduct interviews with all the participants and film them?"

"Uh…okay…"

"Thank you Madara-sama," they chorused and set off to do their dirty work.

* * *

**A/N - Please review! **

**...Or you will be tackled by Orochimaru!**


	13. Chapter 13

**AN- WELL WELL WELL WELL...WELL. **

**I BET YOU'RE WONDERING WHERE THE HELL WE HAVE BEEN HUH?**

**AND I ALSO BET YOU'RE WONDERING HOW THE HELL WE KNOW YOU WERE WONDERING WHERE THE HELL WE HAVE BEEN?**

**WELL THAT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE, WE'RE BACK!**

**WITH A VENGEANCE!**

**PS: CHECK OUT BOTH OF OUR OTHER FICS IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY.**

**THE PEOPLE SPARED BY OROCHIMARU'S TACKLE ARE:**

**blazingreaper**

**The Shadow of a Dead Reaper**

**Blood of the Foxes**

**Echo Uchiha**

**Dcfan100**

**lightningblade49**

**Yuti-Chan**

**NeoShadows**

**Dazza-96**

**Lady Crack**

**k7**

**CreCre**

**Danasca**

**amaranteotaku**

**Fred Ain't Dead D**

**Katsumi Hatake**

**10tailedmonster**

**EziShy**

**tsunahimechan17**

**Joki**

**The Blood Red Rose**

**ade**

**N.V.9**

**HypnoticFlames**

**Selkadoom13**

**darkchain zangetsu**

* * *

**Chapter 13**

There was a girlish giggle followed by a manly chuckle. "Ehehehehehe, oh Madara-sama, what if someone sees us? This change room is so out in the open, anyone could walk in on us at any second…"

"Then let them… They will be educated by the sweet, sweet, yet rough and powerful love that we are about to make! In fact all the world should see this. Hanabi and Konohamaru! Get here with that camera!"

Tsunade bit her lip, "Oh I love how you take charge like that."

"I know babe, I know. Now let's get down to it."

"The moment I've been waiting for… all my life…" Tsunade gushed, "Can I see your handsome face?"

"I am handsome no doubt about that but I want my face to remain a mystery… but feast your eyes on this!" Madara said as he dropped his pants.

Tsunade let out an excited squeal, "Madara-sama, I must have you now! Don't keep me waiting!"

"Get ready my love, for the best ride of your life!"

"Oh yes! Oh Madara-sama!"

"Tsunade baby!"

Suddenly, Madara felt a mind-numbing pain in his nether regions, stars swam before his eyes and he was on his knees in the football stadium. His fantasy was shattered by some fool who had thrown the football right into his groin!

"Fffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu-!" Madara gasped.

"Ooops," Tayuya said, not looking fazed at all.

Madara, in rage over his interrupted hourly Tsunade fantasy and his painful nuts, threw the football so hard back onto the field that it hit Deidara in the back of the head causing him to fall face down into the grass. Asuma nearly trample him as he lunged for the ball and tossed it to Yamato who ran and passed it to Matsuri who dropped it when she saw Darui heading her way.

Darui was then viciously tackled by Hidan. "Whoohooo! Kick some Epic Team ass!" Naruto screamed.

The air in the football stadium was electrifying and it had less to do with the excitement and atmosphere of the game and more to do with the fact that Kakashi had just hit Hidan with a raikiri in order to gain possession of the ball. "Oh fuck! Oh Lord Jashin!" Hidan yelled lying on the ground, "Whooooop! I want to feel that in my veins AGAIN!"

* * *

"**That shocked him, but it certainly won't stop him!" Kisame said, **as Hidan got up and chased after Kakashi.

"**I've always admired Hidan-kun's high pain threshold…it makes me want to do a little experimentation on him…if you know what I mean," Orochimaru said**, with an excited gleam in his serpent-like eyes.

**"I don't want to know what you mean." Said Kisame.**

"**I think that idea alone would be enough to scare even the Jashinist," Jiraiya said wearily.**

* * *

Kakashi passed the ball to Choujuuro who was running along the 20 yard line.

"No! oh no, no, no, no," Choujuuro was saying with his eyes closed as he ran forward with outstretched arms, "I'm not gonna catch it, I'm not gonna catch it - " suddenly something fell into his arms – "I caught it!" And, as if the ball was hot coals, he immediately thrust it into Hinata's arms.

Naruto was nearby and he saw his opportunity to get the ball back in to Team Sakura Fkk'n Suxx possession. He ran after Hinata who was sprinting and grabbed her from behind in order to tackle her. There was a collective intake of breath from the entire stadium.

Gaara was on the edge of his seat, "Come on…faint…faint…"

* * *

"**What a position!" Jiraiya commented.**

"**One of my personal favourites…the backside tackle…" Orochimaru leered.**

**"Is that why you made the genin requirement in the Hidden sound village 'see how hard you could tackle Orochimaru from the back'?" Kisame asked.**

Kidomaru paled.

"Thats sick Orochimaru!" He yelled.

Jirobou paled.

"OH...I think I got a stomach ache."

Sakon frowned.

"This is a sannin?"

Tayuya glared.

"That son of a paedophile..."

Kimmimaro did nothing.

"I will do whatever Orochimaru asks me."

**"Such a devout loyal Ninja Kimmimaro is." Orochimaru swooned.**

**"Is that why he bleeds from his butt every now and then?" Jiraiya asked.**

**"...Maybe."**

* * *

Hinata was a fiery shade of red and Naruto looked a bit awkward himself, time seemed to have come to a standstill as everyone awaited what would be the outcome of this tackle. Hinata was feeling woozy and weak-kneed. Her crush was that close to her. She had two options, a) give in to the blood that was leaving her head and faint in his arms or b) kick some ass.

Suddenly, there was a powerful surge of chakra and Naruto was jyuukened with extreme force and went sliding on the grass while Hinata crossed the touchdown line. All his shadow clones that were distracting members of the Epic Team had disappeared.

"**Oh my, Hinata is handing out jyuukens like blankets at a homeless shelter, is anybody safe?" Jiraiya said, with a hint of fear and a lot of awe.**

"Naruto-kun!" Ino yelled, Sakura and Tenten had to restrain her from running on to the field.

"Since…when…were you so…concerned about…Naruto…" Sakura said, grinding her teeth as she gripped Ino.

"Since…since always! Let go of me Forehead! Bun girl!"

"Bun girl?" Tenten said with a raised eyebrow.

On the field, Hinata woke up from the ground and her teammates were smiling at her. "Nicely done, Hinata," Kakashi complimented her. Sasori and Tayuya just nodded, Suigetsu enveloped her in a hug, Choujuuro and Darui flashed her a thumbs-up while the Tsuchikage smirked at Gaara who glared back.

Finally, Itachi stood in front of Hinata and held out his fist. Hinata looked confused.

"Bump this," Itachi said, without an expression.

Hinata smiled and fistbumped Itachi.

* * *

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Sasuke Uchiha."

"Sasuke Uchiha," Hanabi echoed.

Sasuke turned his attention away from the game, looked at Konohamaru and Hanabi up and down then raised an eyebrow, "Yeah, he's me," Sasuke said, trying to look smooth and composed since he noticed the camera pointed in his direction.

"Let me just start off by saying…you're my idol," Konohamaru said.

"And mine too."

Sasuke wore a smug expression for about two seconds before, "Wait a minute…aren't you that little dweeb who used to follow Naruto around and worship him?"

"Uhhhh…yeah…but now revenge is like the in thing right now. ALL the cool kids are doing it."

Sasuke was looking sceptical.

"So what's the story with you and the Hokage?" Hanabi asked quickly, winking at Konohamaru, who pointed the camera right into Sasuke's face.

"What?"

"Don't even try and deny it, we saw you eyeing her out the entire game so far."

"I was no - "

"Ah ah ah… So are the rumours true then?" Konohamaru asked.

"Yes, is it in fact true that the Uchiha's have a thing for blonde Senju women?"

"Wha?"

"And aren't you ashamed that you have a crush on what can safely be called…your _ancestors _crush… a fifty-something year old woman?"

Sasuke was getting angry now… how dare these two pipsqueaks ask him all sorts of irrelevant questions and distract him from the game? Unseen to the eyes of Konohamaru and Hanabi, Sasuke hid his hands behind his back and was forming a chidori that would shock them more than Uchiha-Senju related gossip…

* * *

"Uh, I think we have a situation here," Neji said, prodding Naruto, who wasn't waking up.

"Is h-he okay?" Hinata asked.

"You did this!" Ino snarled.

"Calm down…I'll check," Itachi said, putting a hand to Naruto's head and activating his sharingan. Itachi suddenly found himself in the Kyuubi's chamber where Naruto was sitting down and having a chat with the Kyuubi. Itachi looked around, surveyed the place then he looked down the ground where he was ankle deep in a orange-yellow liquid that bubbled every now and again and Naruto was just sitting in it.

"And then, she just used her gentle fist on me – like, why do they even call it the 'gentle fist'? There isn't anything gentle about it! It was harsh man," Naruto was saying.

"I feel you," the Kyuubi said.

"We're going to have to work together on this one, Team Sakura Fkk'n Suxx can't afford to lose!"

"I hear you," said Kyuubi.

"Naruto…" Itachi said.

"Itachi! What are you doing in here?"

"Naruto…this liquid on the ground of this chamber…is this the kyuubi's pee?"

"When you gotta go…you gotta go." Kyuubi said.

Itachi grimaced, deactivated his sharingan and took his hand off Naruto's head, "He'll be back…shortly."

Tsunade shooed the crowd away and bent down to examine him herself.

* * *

"So you're into the whole older woman thing? Is that why none of the girls in your classes at the academy never had a chance with you? Just tell us, don't be shy," Hanabi said.

"Yeah, nothing you say could shock us anyway, after things we've heard and seen today," Konohamaru added.

Sasuke smirked, "This ought to shock you," he was about to chidori them when something caught his eye, something of the porcelain, creamy, round, soft and squishy variety. The lightening disappeared from around his arm, his jaw went slack and suddenly, Marvin Gaye's 'let's get it on' started playing in the background.

"**What? I like this song," Jiraiya said** as Orochimaru and Kisame gave him funny looks for playing that song during the intermission.

"Oh, this is the good stuff!" Konohamaru said, noticing Sasuke's sudden preoccupation with how Tsunade was bent over checking on Naruto, with her cleavage spilling, "Stream it."

Sasuke's glazed-eyed, drooling face was now up on the big screen for all to see. People in the stadium were laughing hysterically. Even Sakura was staring at him with a 'what the fuck?' look on her face.

* * *

"**How come he never ever looked at me like that?" Orochimaru asked.**

"**You don't have boobs?" Kisame said.**

**Orochimaru cackled, "I did the one time when I crashed the chunin exams."**

**"Hey just out of curiosity...whatever happened to your cock Orochimaru?" Jiraiya wondered.**

* * *

"I think Sasuke's hormones finally started tingling, how troublesome," Shikamaru commented.

Sasuke snapped back into what was going on and glared at Shikamaru.

"HA! I TOLD YOU , YOU WERE HOT FOR TSUNADE!" Konohamaru shouted.

"Yes we did." Hanabi echoed.

Sasuke fumed and electricity sparked around his body.

"That's it. You two are going down!" He shouted dashing towards them.

"You mean how you want to on Tsunade?" Hanabi asked.

"RUN AWAY!" The young Sarutobi said as he and Hinata's sister took off in the opposite direction.

* * *

"Move it! MOVE IT!" Hidan said as he shoved his way through the crowd making his way towards Naruto.

"Oh Ruto...what did she do to you?" Hidan said looking at Naruto's unconscious body.

Hinata became sadder by the second.

"He's not waking up." Tsunade said.

"Lemme try something." Hidan said.

He crouched down near Naruto's head.

"You know they say you can make a person dream about whatever you talk to them about in their sleep. " He said to the crowd.

"So where are you going with this Akatsuki?"

"I have a name bitch." Hidan replied angrily.

Tsunade glared. " Your immortality is the only reason I'm not punching your head off."

"Any way, Naruto picture this." He said to the unconscious blonde. "You're walking down a hall way. you make a left down another hallway, then continue walking, then a right down another hallway, then another left, then a right, then another right, then another left, then another left then- BAM! SAKURA'S FACE!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!"A high pitched girlish scream escaped Naruto's throat as he shot up straighter than Orochimaru when Sasuke is around.

_**"AAAAAAHHHHH!" A high pitched girlish scream erupted from Kyuubi's thoat...and ironically the water levels near his seal rose about 3 feet.**_

"He's awake!" Ino screamed happily.

Hinata smiled in relief.

Then without warning, Ino planted her lips firmly on Naruto's and gave him a long, sensual kiss that left Naruto's eyes unfocused and a dreamy look on his face.

Hinata stopped smiling. And her rage levels went up ten notches.

* * *

**"And he's up!" Kisame started. "What a relief huh guys?"**

**"..."**

**"..."**

**"Guys?" Kisame said looking over toward the other two announcers.**

Jiraiya was hyperventilating and shaking violently.

**"Damn!...Wh-what Hidan s-s-said was S-s-s-s-s-s-sca-scary a-a-as h-h-hell!" He stuttered.**

Orochimaru was passed out on the floor beside his chair.

* * *

"Ok are we all ready?" Tsunade asked.

"No. Deidara's dead." Hidan said looking at the unmoving blonde at his feet.

"DEI-KUN! NOOO!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Who the hell said that?" Neji asked.

Everyone looked around.

But nobody questioned why Sasori was covering his mouth and moving his eyes around suspiciously.

"How did Deidara die?" Itachi asked as Tsunade inspected the body.

"I think Sakura's face traumatized him to death." Tsunade said.

"Wow Sakura this means you must be hideous." Ino said when she returned to the stands.

Sakura glared at said blonde.

Ino quickly slapped Sakura across the face.

"OMIGOD DON'T LOOK AT ME, ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!" Ino yelled.

"Someone get Nagato down here to resurrect Deidara...again." Tsunade commanded.

"Something must be done about Sakura's face." Gaara said.

"For once I agree with you." Onoki said.

* * *

**"It appears Deidara has died...again." Kisame announced.**

**"Hey Kisame, I guess Deidara is dead weight now...get it." Jiraiya commented.**

**"...If I wasn't such a powerful ninja that joke would have killed me." The rogue mist ninja said.**

**Suddenly the door to the announcer's booth slammed open and in came-**

**"AAAAH! RUN AWAY!" Konohamaru said diving into the booth. **

**"Wait for me Kono!" Hanabi dove in right after.**

**"YOU GUYS ARE DEAD!"**

Blue lightning arced all around the inside of the booth causing the announcers to duck.

**"Watch it!" Jiraiya said covering his head.**

**"Whoa!" Kisame said.**

The lightning became even more erratic. The booth was in chaos.

Then it suddenly stopped.

Eyes opened cautiously. The occupants of the announcers booth peeked around getting ready to duck again if need be.

Then they caught sight of Sasuke Uchiha standing upside down on the ceiling, Mangekyou Sharingan blazing, and glaring at the two video camera filming shinobi.

"Time to die." Sasuke said.

Konohamaru paled.

Hanabi paled as well.

**"Is anybody else wondering why even though he is unconscious, Orochimaru has a boner?" Jiraiya announced.**

There was a creepy smile on Orochimaru's face as he rose from the ground and licked his lips, "I got myself a prosthetic penis just for this moment…oh how handsome you look upside down…I intend to ravage you here and now, Sasuke-kun!"

Sasuke was so shocked that he lost his footing on the ceiling and fell down to the ground, on his butt, causing Hanabi and Konohamaru to point and laugh hysterically.

Somewhere in the stands Kabuto wailed, "No my Master! Ravage me instead!"

The people around him slowly moved away.

Meanwhile, Sasuke recovered from his shock and faced Orochimaru.

"**A part of me wants to intervene and stop Oro here from getting annihilated but the other part of me wants to see the action!" Jiraiya said, looking from Sasuke to Orochimaru.**

"I have no time to deal with the likes of you," Sasuke said haughtily before he fried Orochimaru with a chidori. As Orochimaru slumped down to the floor, it never escaped Jiraiya and Kisame's eyes that Orochimaru's boner was still active.

There was a sadistic grin on Sasuke's face as he watched Orochimaru fall, and then he turned slowly to Konohamaru and Hanabi, still grinning, "Now…where was I…"

* * *

Once Deidara was brought back to life…again… the game resumed with the Epic Team in the lead and ten minutes on the clock. Captain Gaara wasn't the least bit worried, after all, Uzumaki was on his team and the dude always managed to pull a win out of the hat even if the odds were stacked against him.

He simply ignored the smug look on the Tsuchikage's face and continued to cheer for his team…silently…in his head.

The Naruto clones were back on the field. _Note to self, stay away from Hinata, do not mess with Hinata, _Naruto thought as he looked her way and saw that she had a strange look on her face.

Kidomaru the quarterback threw the football to one of the Naruto's who threw it to another as they ran. Suddenly, Naruto was tackled by Itachi who now got hold of the ball. But as soon as he passed it to Darui, it vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Ahahahahaha! My boy Naruto just outsmarted an Uchiha!" Hidan laughed.

"Way to go Naruto!" Deidara cheered, feeling a lot more lively now after dying and being brought back to life.

Naruto had transformed one of his clones into the ball, but the real one had the football and already scored a touchdown.

"I'm so proud of that guy," Iruka said, wiping a tear away.

* * *

"**The scores are tied again! It could still go either way, but folks, that was a brilliant move from Naruto, my prized student!" Jiraiya said.**

"Big deal!" Sasuke shouted, "You should rather announce how I'm about to barbeque these two little losers! Any last words?"

"Yeah!" Hanabi piped up.

"What?" Sasuke asked impatiently.

**Konohamaru got up and took over Orochimaru's microphone, "How come you're getting so fired up about having the hots for Tsunade if it isn't true?" **

His voice echoed throughout the stadium.

Tsunade tore her eyes away from the game and looked up suspiciously towards the announcers booth. _Who was this having the hots for her now?_

**In the announcers booth, Sasuke snatched the microphone away and in his most menacing voice, "That's it, little Sarutobi and little Hyuuga, prepare to meet your demise."**

Tsunade gagged, _Sasuke? That's somehow even worse than Madara having a thing for me._

_What is this madness? _Madara wondered.

The time left in the match was ticking away and Hinata had just maimed Matsuri violently for the ball and was about to pass it to Kakashi when she heard Sasuke threatening her little sister. Her rage levels were already flared up and she flung the football down to the ground where it was quickly snatched up by Yamato.

"What the - !" Tsuchikage yelled.

"Why the -!" Suigetsu shouted.

"Uh oh," Itachi said, looking blankly after Hinata who had disappeared.

The final minute on the clock ticked away as ball was passed from Kidomaru to Neji. Sasori tried to intercept it with chakra strings but Neji dodged and went in for the touchdown as the clock hit zero.

Tsunade blew the final whistle.

There was cheers all around for Team Sakura F'kkn suxx as they jumped and embraced each other on the field. "Team Sakura F'kkn Suxx fucking rules!" Hidan cheered.

"Yay!"

"Whoohooo!"

"Well played, team," the Kazekage said, doing cartwheels in his mind.

The Epic team looked downcast, even Itachi and Sasori were looking saddened by the defeat.

"We were so close," Choujuuro wept.

"**The game is over and Team Sakura Fkk'n suxx emerges victorious! Bad luck for the Epic Team, maybe they will have better luck nex – hey what in the world is this!" Kisame exclaimed.**

"Hinata-nee-san!" Hanabi said in relief as her sister appeared in front of her in the announcers booth, byakugan activated and in the gentle fist stance.

The aura around her was even more alarming than Sasuke's.

"Just get out of the way," Sasuke said in a bored tone.

Hinata clenched her fists, "You mess with my sister, you mess with me."

"What was that?" Sasuke asked, smirking.

"You're about to die."

"Oh?"

"**Whoa…something tells me Hinata woke up on the wrong side of the bed today," Jiraiya said.**

"**Or maybe she woke up on the floor," Kisame gulped.**

Hinata darted forward, intent on ending Sasuke.

Sasuke dashed forward intent on ridding Hinata out of his way.

"Die!"

"Hyaa!"

Then suddenly something appeared in between them mere seconds before they clashed.

Hinata noticed that this something had HUGE chakra reserves and it's chakra was ..._dark_

It was Orochimaru. Orochimaru appeared in between them and stopped them both with just the force of his prescence...

This was the power of a true Sannin. Orochimaru reminded them why he people coward in fear when his name was mentioned.

These things WOULD HAVE described him...

...If it weren't for his fanfiction enlarged prosthetic Boner protruding from his trousers pointing in Sasuke's direction.

* * *

**AN-WILL SASUKE WIN?**

**WILL HINATA?**

**WILL OROCHIMARU?**

**WILL HIS PENIS?**

**WILL DEIDARA DIE AGAIN?**

**WILL THERE BE ANOTHER USELESS(SAKURA) JOKE?**

**DID YOU JUST NOTICE IN THAT LAST QUESTION THERE IN FACT WAS A SAKURA JOKE?**

**TUNE IN NEXT TIME ON NAST!**

* * *

**BLOOPERS:**

**Sakura's face scene take 1**

"Any way, Naruto picture this." He said to the unconscious blonde. "You're walking down a hall way. you make a left down another hallway, then continue walking, then a right down another hallway, then another left, then a right, then another right, then another left, then another left then- BAM! SAKURA'S FACE!"

**"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Shino um...That wasn't your line...are you okay?"

Shino just hyperventilated quietly.

**SAKURA'S FACE SCENE TAKE 2.**

"Any way, Naruto picture this." He said to the unconscious blonde. "You're walking down a hall way. you make a left down another hallway, then continue walking, then a right down another hallway, then another left, then a right, then another right, then another left, then another left then- BAM! SAKURA'S FACE!"

_Thud!_

"Damnit Deidara! You died too soon!" Hidan screamed.

**SAKURA'S FACE SCENE TAKE 3.**

"Any way, Naruto picture this." He said to the unconscious blonde. "You're walking down a hall way. you make a left down another hallway, then continue walking, then a right down another hallway, then another left, then a right, then another right, then another left, then another left then- BAM! SAKURA'S FACE!"

"WAIT!" Naruto said all of a sudden conscious again. "So I made a left and two rights then a left?" He asked sitting on the ground.

"No you made a right then a left, then a left then a right, then 2 lefts." Hidan answered.

"So left, right, left, right, right, left, right?"

"No right, left, left, right, left, right, left."

"left, right, left, right, left, right, left, left?"

"No left, right, left, right, left, right, right, left."

"left, left, left,left, left, left, left, left, left, left?"

_Thud!_

"What the hell Deidara? Too early again! What happened?" Hidan said.

"I think he became too dizzy from Naruto and you talking." Neji said.

* * *

**A/N Again! : Hana-01 would like to say a special thank you to Masochisticmeliii for the inspiration and some of the crazy ideas included in this chapter!**


	14. Chapter 14

**AN-Naruto and Hidan's corner:**

**Naruto: Hey guys, Naruto and Hidan here.**

**Hidan: And we're here for some interesting things.**

**Naruto: Normally we would vent on some topics we don't like, but today we're gonna catch you up on the teams in case you forgot.**

**Hidan: If anyone forgets the teams...here they are.**

**Team Mad:**

**Captain: Madara-( Says he's Madara but then Kabuto summoned the REAL Madara in the joint Shinobi war...WHO THE HELL IS HE?-Naruto)**

**Sai-(I don't like him. -Naruto)**

**Sakura-(We don't like him. -Naruto and Hidan.)**

**Temari-(She has giant fuckin hair. -Hidan.)**

**Ao-(How the hell do you pronounce his name?-Hidan)**

**Nagato-(My distant uncle and or cousin! -Naruto.)**

**Jirobo-(Some fat Naruto cosplayer -Hidan)**

**Akatsuchi-(I wonder if he is related to the Akimichi -Naruto)**

**Samui-(Goddamn she's hot! - Naruto and Hidan)**

**Team High Voltage:**

**Captain: Ei The fourth Raikage. (Why the hell are all kumo ninja named after a goddamned letter? I mean really? Ei (A), Bee (B) I wouldn't be surprised if there was a See (C)-Hidan)**

**Shi-(apparently he's a guy.-Naruto)**

**Konan-(Nagato's secret f'kin lover that everyone knows about.- Hidan)**

**Choji-(A loyal fellow hungry leaf ninja- Naruto)**

**Gai-(LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING EYE BROWS! THEY'RE ALIVE!- Hidan)**

**Kakuzu-(My bastard partner who claimed to be immortal but yet...was killed.- Hidan)**

**Sakon-(The first Siamese twins that were ninja.- Naruto)**

**Karin-(The hidden Sound village's very own Sakura- naruto)**

**Kirabi (Killer Bee)-(A cool ninja named Bee, whos like an uncle to me!- Naruto) **

**Team Awesome: **

**Captain: Mei Terumi The fifth Mizukage.-(Hey...she's kinda hot...Well I know what I'll be thinking about while I'm buried in the ground when the tournament is over.-Hidan)**

**Tenten - (Wishes she had a last name.- Naruto)**

**Kurenai- (One hot ass Kunoichi- Naruto and Hidan)**

**Kimmimaro-(Orochimaru's personal bone boy...if you catch my drift.-Hidan)**

**Zetsu-(The true definition of being black AND white. It would be awkward to say something racist to him...her...it...thing?-Naruto)**

**Ino-(One of The most beautiful Kunoichi ever to have lived.-Naruto)**

**Kurotsuchi-(Man if I was a paedophile...-Hidan)**

**Omoi-(The What If ninja.-Naruto)**

**Team Epic**

**Captain: Onoki, the third Tsuchikage.-(He was a like a teen when Madara Uchiha was alive...This guy must be old as DAMN!- Naruto)**

**Hinata-(Another gorgeous Kunoichi who I've just recently learned may have a slight crush on me...Who would have thought huh?-Naruto)**

**Chojuro-(Why does he have sharp teeth?- Hidan)**

**Tayuya-(A pretty red head with a mouth only a mother could love...a mother who was deaf...If only she were a leaf shinobi...-Naruto)**

**Kakashi-(PERVY SENSEI!-Naruto)**

**Darui-(That's another thing. A lot of Kumo ninja's names end with "i"-Hidan)**

**Itachi- (The second most powerful ninja with the Sharingan. And one of the most genuinely kind hearted people you could ever meet.- Naruto)**

**Suigetsu-(He's made of Water. If he ever pisses me off, I'm gonna use him to cook my ramen.-Naruto)**

**Sasori-(Another fake immortal who yet again "Died"-Hidan)**

**Team Troublesome:**

**Captain: Tsunade Senju, the fifth Hokage.-(SUPER OLD GRANNY-CHAN!-Naruto)**

**Shino-(I swear he never sleeps without his shades and something with a high collar.-Naruto)**

**Kiba-(You guys have to promise not to tell anyone but...Kiba has a hot Sister and mother.-Naruto)**

**Shikamaru-(This is the pineapple shit headed jack fuck who decapitated me and threw my head into a hole! That's why I killed his stupid fat bearded Sensei. The cigarettes almost beat me to it though.-Hidan)**

**Rock Lee-(Lee once told me that he wants his great great great great great great great great great grandchild's name to be Bruce. I don't know why though...-Naruto)**

**Kankurou-(How did all of a sudden he go from barely competent puppet comedian to badass platoon leader in the joint shinobi war?- Naruto)**

**Juugo-(Who the hell is this? They say he is the originator of the curse mark but that filler was never made so...yeah-Naruto)**

**Sasuke-(Another fellow Sakura Hater.-Hidan and Naruto.)**

**Kabuto-(So...He merged with Orochimaru's body? But Itachi sealed Orochimaru in his Tatsuki blade. SO I don't understand...-Naruto and Hidan)**

**Team Sakura...F'KIN SUXXX!:**

**Captain: Gaara of the desert. The fifth Kazekage. (This guy ...is f'kin awesome!-Hidan and Naruto.)**

**Naruto-(Konoha's future Orange Hokage a.k.a The number one hyperactive knuckle head ninja a.k.a Mount Myoboku's youngest Toad Sage a.k.a The third Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi no yoko a.k.a THAT BADASS NINJA THAT F'KIN FARTED IN KIBA'S FACE!-Naruto)**

**Hidan-(The only REAL immortal of Akatsuki a.k.a Jashin's most devout follower a.k.a THE SECOND MOST AWESOME NINJA ON TEAM SAKURA F'KIN SUXXX!-Hidan)**

**Matsuri-(She ...really wasn't useful at all...which is a major symptom of the Sakura Syndrome-Naruto)**

**Kidomaru-(Why the hell does he have six arms? That's six times the masturbation time!- Hidan)**

**Deidara-(Looks just like Ino-chan...Maybe Ino's mother wasn't as faithful to Inoichi as everyone thought...-Naruto)**

**Yamato-(Unlike Orochi-fuckface, I would not want to go anywhere near his wood.-Hidan)**

**Neji-(The second best Hyuuga in the village a.k.a Taijutsu master of the old Team 9 a.k.a THAT NINJA THAT I UPPERCUTTED THE SHIT OUT OF DURING THE CHUUNIN EXAMS BITCH!-Naruto)**

**Asuma-(Hey this is the fat bearded bastard that I killed. hehehe serves him right for smoking. Jashin-sama hates smoking so I passed judgement on the non believer.-Hidan)**

**Naruto: And now you guys remember whose on what team.**

**Hidan: But before we go you guys have to remember one key thing.**

**Naruto: And what's that Hidan?**

**Hidan: That SAKURA F'KIN SUXXXXXXX!**

* * *

Hinata stared at Sasuke, palms blazing with Chakra.

The Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan spun dangerously, ready to let loose a horrifying jutsu.

A prosthetic fanfic enlarged boner throbbed with excitement, ready for...penetration.

**"Folks we have a fight on our hands now!"**

**"That's right Kisame! Place your bets now on Sasuke, Hinata, or Orochihomo."**

"Hey you old perv, nobody bets on my sister!" Hanabi said shooting up from her hiding place from behind Hinata.

"Yeah!" Konohamaru said from behind Hanabi.

"Betting you say?" Kakuzu said interested.

"You don't have any money un."

"I have a feminine blonde ninja who would fetch at least a couple million ryo as a prostitute..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...I'm surprised you think so low of me...TRY A COUPLE BILLION!"

O_o

* * *

"I got my money on Sasuke."

"For the last time Sakura, No matter what you do Sasuke is not gonna ever love he doesn't even like you!" Ino said.

"Shut up Pig! You're just jealous of my devilish good looks."

Madara appeared sitting in the stands directly behind Sakura.

"Ok Insults are one thing but...I will not have BLATANT LIES IN MY TOURNAMENT HARUNO!" Madara shouted glaring at Sakura.

Sakura shuddered under the ancient Uchiha's gaze...The sharingan and the Rinnegan were truly terrifying.

"Hey...when did he get the rinnegan?" Ino asked.

"HEY WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY LEFT EYE!" One anorexic red head shouted from somewhere in the stands.

"Uh...gotta go!" And with that Madara fazed out of sight.

* * *

In the announcers booth chaos ensued.

Sasuke and Hinata were trading blow for blow. Well Sasuke was dominating but Hinata had strong determination. Hinata was trying to end Sasuke and Sasuke was having the time of his life and also dodging Orochimaru's homing Penis. Of course Sasuke was far stronger than both of them but he loved fighting so...yeah.

**"Oh my god! Sasuke is handling Hinata like she's just a dirty slut to him! The way he puts it on her! The way she screams when he hits a certain spot! I didn't know she could bend like that! right Jiraiya!"**

**Kisame looked over to Jiraiya and saw a bulge in his lap. And Jiraiya trying to sneak his hand in his pants.**

**"JIRAIYA WHAT THE HELL?" **

**"LEARN HOW TO EXPLAIN THINGS RIGHT!"**

"I have you now Sasuke!" Orochimaru said as he lunged at Sasuke from behind.

"This is for my Sister!" Yelled Hinata, darting for Sasuke from his front.

Sasuke smirked.

When both shinobi were close enough, Blue electricity sparked around him.

"Chidori nagashi." said Sasuke as the famed Chidori covered his entire body.

Hinata and Orochimaru were caught in the jutsu as well.

"AAH!"

"YES!"

Orochimaru flew back and hit the wall, then hit the floor unconscious. Hinata flew back and hit Konohamaru.

"Oof!" Said the last Sarutobi as he was knocked down to the floor with an unconscious Hinata sprawled over him.

Now Konohamaru was many things. A pervert being one of them. But when he looked into Hanabi's eyes from his position on the ground underneath Hinata and saw the look of pure unadulterated fury in them he did what any sane male would do.

He pointed his hands to the ceiling and said.

"Look Hanabi-chan, I'm not touching! My hands are where you can see them!"

Hanabi blushed and muttered "Perv." Under her breath. Secretly she was pleased with Kono's actions. He would make a fine mate one day.

Konohamaru was just lucky she didn't inquire about the other reaction males get when a female excites them. I'll give you a hint...it rhymes with boner...wait...never mind.

**"Kisame look at the crowd, they are so tense and restless. We need an intermission."**

**"I agree Jiraiya. I mean for godsake Nagato is chasing Madara around screaming something about an eyeball."**

**"Yes. We need entertainment that everyone will like...WILL NARUTO AND HIDAN PLEASE COME TO THE ANNOUNCERS BOOTH!"**

* * *

"Hidan Pervy sage just called us!"

"We have a cellphone?"

"Wha- No we have to go the announcers' booth!"

"Well let's get moving ya blonde son of a bitch!"

Naruto and Hidan then sprinted towards the booth.

Ino noticed Naruto and Hidan running toward the booth. She smiled as she thought about the blonde. _'Naruto-kun has come a long way. I remember when everyone thought he was nothing more than an idiot. How wrong they were. He graduated when no one thought he would, He beat Kiba in the chuunin exams...granted it was an embarrassing win but still, Then he knocked Neji out with one punch. That's when I started noticing him. Who knew that blonde had it in him. Then I heard he beat Gaara...And now he's the hero of the village.'_

Sakura noticed her best friend had become silent and looked at her. She spotted the smile on her face and instantly thought Ino was thinking of Sasuke.

"Pig Stop thinking about my future husband." Sakura said smugly.

Madara appeared sitting in front of Sakura and Ino.

"Ok Insults are one thing but...I will not have BLATANT LIES IN MY TOURNAMENT HARUNO!" Madara shouted glaring at Sakura.

"Madara get your ass back here!" said an angry red head darting straight at Madara.

"Oh Shit!" Said the elder Uchiha before vanishing.

"Grr!" Nagato grunted as he ran pass our kunoichi.

"Anyway Sakura I wasn't thinking about Sasuke."

"Well what else can put a smile on anyone's face?"

"Naruto."

Sakura looked shocked.

"Why the hell are you thinking about that baka?"

Ino frowned. _'Sakura. You don't deserve Naruto's affection.'_

* * *

"You called for two awesome ninja?" Naruto said as he slammed open the door to the announcer's booth.

He was met with the sight of Orochimaru unconscious with a boner, Konohamaru and Hanabi going over what they had on their camera, and Sasuke holding Hinata in his arms.

That last one set him off.

"TEME! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH HINA-CHAN?" He shouted.

Little did everyone know that the mic's were still on and Naruto's yell was heard all across the stadium.

* * *

"SASUKE-KUN, SAY IT AINT SO!" Karin yelled.

"Karin you never had a chance anyway."

"SHUT UP YOU PUDDLE OF SHIT!"

Suigetsu raised an eyebrow at the insult.

* * *

"WHAT DOES HINATA THINK SHE'S DOING WITH MY SASUKE-KUN! CHAA!"

Ino positively beamed after hearing Naruto's shout.

"Sasuke is going down." Neji declared.

**Inner Sakura: Yea...on me.**

Sakura blushed at her own thoughts.

"So the Uchiha has moved on from the useless pink?" Gaara said.

"Aww what's the matter, I'm not good enough?"

"TSUNADE-SAMA!"

"Chill out Shizune I was just kidding...mostly."

"For some strange reason I feel as if I have to murder Sasuke…"

"NOT IF I DON'T MURDER YOU FIRST MADARA!" Nagato screamed.

* * *

"You moved on from Tsunade, Sasuke?"

"I don't believe it."

Sasuke glared at Konohamaru and Hanabi.

"Actually Naruto, Hinata is just unconscious." Jiraiya explained.

"But on to more important things." Kisame began. "The crowd is restless and we need someone to entertain them."

"So why the hell did ya call us?"

"Well Hidan, you guys are the most entertaining ninja on the planet!" Jiraiya said.

"Yeah every time I look at you guys I laugh." Added Kisame.

And then they fell over laughing.

"Ok but what-"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHEEEHEHAaAA!"

Kisame and Jiraiya were still laughing and rolling on the floor of the announcer's booth.

"Hehhehee."

Heh."

Even Kono and Hanabi laughed.

"KUKUKUKU..."

And even Orochimaru's penis.

"Are you guys done?" Naruto asked frowning.

"Oh man...Ok yeah we're done." Jiraiya said wiping the tears away from his eyes.

"So what do you want us to do?" asked the silver haired Immortal.

"Eh, I don't know. Go do something to get the crowd into the game again."

Suddenly Naruto grinned.

"I know just what to do."

Sasuke noticed Naruto's grin.

"Thinking about Ino-chan?"

Naruto's grin faltered.

"SHUT UP TEME!"

* * *

Down in the centre of the football field stood Naruto and Hidan both with microphones. They were the only two on the field as the other teams had moved to the stands.

**"Excuse me can I have your attention please?" Naruto said.**

The stands quieted down.

**"It has come to our attention that you guys have lost interest in the tournament." Hidan added.**

**"Well fear not, you will be inspired after we perform our brand new just made up hit rap song, "SHE F'KIN SUXXX!" Naruto shouted.**

The crowd cheered loudly. (Keep in mind the crowd is full EVERYONE not just main ninjas. Ninja's from fillers too.)

"Oh man, this is gonna be awesome!" Kiba exclaimed with stars in his eyes.

"Rap?" Bee commented.

"I approve of this song." Gaara stated.

Music played.

**"WHAT!" Naruto said bobbing his head up and down.**

**"WHAT!" Hidan did the same.**

**"They don't know how bad she suxxx, Tell em' Ruto!"**

**Naruto: Ok I was stupid in the past man, and I will admit to that,**

**She treated me so bad man, I took every punch and slap,**

**Chasin' after he who really didn't give a shit in fact,**

**THEN SHE SAID SHE LOVED ME NOW WHAT KINDA SHIT IS THAT! (Hidan: WHAT!)**

**(Crowd cheers even louder.)**

**Naruto continues: Now I really was pissed, but she couldn't tell,**

**Cause deep down I knew I didn't have a chance in hell,**

**Used to be hurting deeply, but now I'm doing swell,**

**Cause I'm the one who brought the village up after it fell! (Hidan: Pein did that!)**

**(Crowd erupts in noise)**

**Naruto continues: After the battle, I was tired as crap,**

**Started falling but Kakashi-sensei caught me on his back,**

**Finally acknowledged in the village, I was on the right track,**

**But she met me with a slap.**

**Hidan: NOW WHAT KINDA SHIT IS THAT!**

**Naruto: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Hidan: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Hidan: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto: A fan girl...and a SLUT! **

**Hidan: SHE'S USELESS! EVERYWHERE!**

**Naruto: STUPID GREEN EYES AND DUMB PINK HAIR!**

**Naruto: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Hidan: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Hidan: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Hidan: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Hidan: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Hidan: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Hidan: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto: A fangirl...and a SLUT!**

Naruto and Hidan were jumping and running around the field.

Unsurprising the crowd was going crazy.

"This song is amazin, know what I'm sayin," Kirabi said.

"OMG!" Cue all the Naruto fangirls

**Hidan: My turn ok...Marry her, bitch I'd rather be dirt poor,( Naruto: I am!)**

**Ugly bitch with the body of a surf board,**

**Not attractive so what does she even flirt for,**

**DAMN...Her face just makes me wanna CURSE MORE!(Naruto: FUCK!)**

**Her breath is like fire jutsu that's 800 degrees,**

**STD stands for Sakura transmitted disease, (Naruto: Ha!)**

**When she talks I don't understand how you can breathe,**

**If I was Sasuke I'd get her pregnant and then I would leave,**

**Why?...cuz**

**Naruto: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Hidan: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Hidan: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto: A fan girl...and a SLUT! **

**Hidan: SHE'S USELESS! EVERYWHERE!**

**Naruto: STUPID GREEN EYES AND DUMB PINK HAIR!**

**Naruto: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Hidan: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Hidan: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Hidan: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Hidan: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Hidan: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Hidan: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto: A fangirl...and a SLUT**

**Hidan: EVERYBODY SING THIS SHIT!**

**Naruto and Hidan: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Crowd: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto and Hidan: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Crowd: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto and Hidan: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Crowd: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto and Hidan: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Crowd: DAT BITCH SUXXX!**

**Naruto and Hidan: SHE F'KIN SUXXX!**

**Crowd: DAT BITCH SUXXX! (Hinata: DAT MOTHA F'KIN BITCH MUTHA F'KINN SUXXX!)**

Everyone scooted away from the raging Hinata

**Naruto: YEAH!**

There was a major stampede towards the field where Naruto and Hidan were standing.

"OH MARRY ME NARUTO-KUN!" one fangirl screamed.

Ino elbowed her, "Move it or lose it, tramp!"

She dived into Naruto's arms, "You are amazing!"

"Why thank you," Naruto said, with a Guy-sensei like smile.

"Hey! I also helped, where's my girl? Where's my recognition?" Hidan asked.

"Right over here handsome," said a husky female voice. Hidan turned and saw that Samui was looking at him with a new light in her eyes, "I have a thing …for rappers…"

"Really now? Well I'm one of the fucking best!"

Omoi and Karui turned to each other.

"Did you know that?" Omoi asked.

Karui shrugged, "Do you think she also has a thing for…Bee-sama?"

"It is best not to go there," Omoi said.

One female ninja was not part of the many fangirls that had flocked to Naruto and Hidan's side, this ninja had pink hair which was starting to frizz because of her anger, green eyes that were filled with menace, flared nostrils like an enraged bull, and pale fists balled up and ready to strike at any second.

_Enough is enough. I will punish these haters. How dare they mock and ridicule me, ME! The great and beautiful Sakura, the cherry blossom of every man's desire, one of the strongest and most skilled medic ninja's to ever grace the ninja world. They are going to pay…_

Meanwhile, there was another angry female ninja on the field and Naruto turned to her, "Hey Hinata-chan, weren't you unconscious?"

* * *

"**Well ladies and gentlemen, that was certainly entertaining and really got us back into the spirit of things, but before we introduce the next matchup we would like to bring to Team Troublesome's attention that one of their team members are currently unconscious." Kisame was saying.**

"**Yes, Sasuke Uchiha is out for the count and we will be needing a member of Team Troublesome to come and get him immediately before Orochimaru regains consciousness," Jiraiya informed them.**

"Shino, go get him," Kiba said.

"No."

"Okay Shikamaru you go."

"Too troublesome…"

"Lee?"

But Lee was nowhere in sight.

"Kankurou?"

"No effing way…"

"I'll just go," Juugo said.

"Is it just me, or do you think that guy has a thing for Sasuke?" Kiba asked as Juugo walked off to the announcers' booth.

* * *

We bring your attention to this flashback which will explain what caused Sasuke to be in an unconscious state and what caused Hinata to end up on the field.

Sasuke was still holding Hinata in his arms as Naruto and Hidan left to perform their song. Hanabi and Konohamaru were still, apparently 'cowering' in the corner, but what they were really doing was taping Sasuke in curiosity over what he would do next.

Sasuke looked down at the unconscious Hinata. "Hn. You were no match for me," he declared in an arrogant tone. Hinata lay limp and the only indication that she was still alive was when her chest rose and fell as she was breathing. To his horror, Sasuke found his attention being drawn to it.

Now, Hinata was a well-endowed girl and Sasuke's teenage mind was egging his body on to do something he would later regret. With a sweaty and shaking hand, he reached out and squeezed one of Hinata's boobs.

The next thing he knew, he was Jyuuken Bitch Slapped onto the floor and landed next to Orochimaru, his face dangerously close to the prosthetic boner.

"Shit!" Kisame exclaimed.

"Go sis!"

"Your sister is strong…when the occasion calls for it," Konohamaru commented.

Jiraiya's nose was bleeding slightly. "Ahhh this reminds me of my bestselling Icha Icha Violence wherein the young and beautiful maiden protects her honour from the pervy young man!"

If it was even possible, Hinata's rage level went up to dangerous levels as she stampeded towards the field where Naruto and Hidan were performing their song and Hinata added,** "DAT MOTHA F'KIN BITCH MUTHA F'KINN SUXXX!"**

Now that we are all abreast with the situation (Lame pun totally intended) let's get back to the action!

Sasuke was brought back to the stands and laid down over a row of chairs. His team members all surveyed him. "Can I kick him, please?" Kankurou begged.

"I know what will wake him up! Where's Tsunade-sama?" Kiba asked with a grin.

"Do you want to die?" Shikamaru asked boredly.

"We just need a jug of water," Juugo told them.

With a 'woof!' Akamaru began licking Sasuke's face. Sasuke stirred slightly and began to mumble, "Mmm"

In his dreamworld, a big-bosomed woman was licking his face and telling him how handsome he was. He was enjoying the attention until, the woman's tongue started to feel longer and slimier and the voice saying, "Ohh Sssssasssuke kuuun," got snakier. Sasuke opened his eyes and was face to face with Orochimaru.

He awoke suddenly and began screaming hysterically causing all his teammates to scream too…even Shino.

* * *

"**Everyone seems pretty amped now, right Kisame?"**

"…"

"**Kisame?"**

"**Over here," Kisame said, as he was using what looked like a tablecloth to cover up the hideous bulge in Orochimaru's pants.**

"**So…time to announce the next matchup!"**

"**Yes! And it looks like it will be Team Troublesome against Team Mad!"**

"Are they kidding? We will wipe the floor with them, I mean Sakura's on the team! And an anorexic guy!" Kiba whined.

"Do not underestimate them. Why? Because Sakura has the strength of an ox and there's two fat guys who look like ox on the team too," Shino observed.

* * *

_Time to maim, pound and rip these jokers apart…except Sasuke-kun…he is going to be all mine…I'm going to be up against him in more ways than one…_Inner Sakura thought.

The teams made their way on to the football field and faced each other. Madara noticed that Sasuke was standing close to Tsunade…too close in fact.

_Something has to be done about this, _Madara thought. And he went and stood closer to Sakura.

**Inner Sakura: Why the hell is he who lived passed his prime standing so close to me?**

"All right are both teams ready?" Asked Gaara acting as referee since Tsunade's team was competing.

"I am." Shino said.

"We're gonna kick ass!" Kankurou said.

"Says the guy in the footy pajamas." Temari commented.

"I DO NOT WEAR PAJAMAS WITH FEET!"

"..da da da da Now what kinda shit is that? She f'kin suxxx , dat bitch suxxx, she f'kin suxxx..." Sai was still singing Naruto and Hidan's epic song.

"Yosh! I know that song is most youthful but now is not the time for it. We must kick ass!"

"Where the hell have you been Lee?"

"My Youthful leafy brethren Kiba! It is most youthful for you ask! I was youthing it up with Gai-sensei."

"...I don't even wanna ask what he means... Mendukosai..."

"Yosh! But like I was saying. Even though Narruto and Hidan spectacularly showed their youth. Now it is time for battle! I'm sure Suna's very own beauty will agree. Right Temari-chan?"

"...da da da how you can breathe, Std stands for Sakura transmitted disease, If I were Sasuke..." She was on the same page as Sai.

* * *

**"Well folks it looks like we have one hell of a match!" **

**"Right you are Jiraiya!"**

**"Oh boy! I can't wait until they start hitting each other!"**

**Kisame and Jiraiya stared at Orochimaru.**

**"When did you wake up?"**

**"Right before you put the table cloth over it Kisame."**

**"Wait...so ...YOU LET ME TOUCH IT!" Kisame lunged for Orochibitch.**

**Jiraiya just shook his head.**

**"Well folks." The toad sage began. "It looks like the epic battle between these two teams will begin...next chapter."**

* * *

**BLOOPERS:**

**SASUKE VS HINATA SCENE TAKE 1:**

..."Chidori nagashi." Said Sasuke as The famed Chidori covered his entire body.

Hinata and Orochimaru were caught in the jutsu as well.

"AAH!"

"YES!"

Orochimaru flew back and hit the wall, then hit the floor unconscious. Hinata flew back and hit Konohamaru.

"Oof!" Said the last Sarutobi as he was knocked down to the floor with an unconscious Hinata sprawled over him.

Now Konohamaru was many things. A pervert being one of them. But when he looked into Hanabi's eyes from his position on the ground underneath Hinata and saw the look of pure unadulterated fury in them he did what any sane male would do.

Go for broke.

He suddenly grabbed Hinata's unconscious buttocks and ferociously jammed his mouth against hers in what he believed was an Uber passionate kiss.

Hanabi saw red.

The announcer's booth exploded.

The crowd shielded themselves against the rubble as best as they could.

Jiraiya found himself on the field down below.

"What power..."

Suddenly a body landed in his lap.

"Konohamaru?"

Konohamaru was bloody and bruised all over. He shakily rose his hand up and formed a thumbs up and smiled a bloody smile.

"T-totally w-w-worth it."

Then promptly passed out.

* * *

**MADARA AND NAGATO SCENE TAKE 1:**

"For the last time Sakura, No matter what you do Sasuke is not gonna ever love he doesn't even like you!" Ino said.

"Shut up Pig! You're just jealous of my devilish good looks."

Madara appeared sitting in the stands directly behind Sakura.

"Ok Insults are one thing but...I will not have BLATANT LIES IN MY TOURNAMENT HARUNO!" Madara shouted glaring at Sakura.

Sakura shuddered under the ancient Uchiha's gaze...The sharingan and the Rinnegan were truly terrifying.

"Hey...when did he get the rinnegan?" Ino asked.

"HEY WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY LEFT BALL!" One anorexic red head shouted from somewhere in the stands.

Underneath his mask, Madara was shocked beyond belief.

"So...I grabbed the wrong round body part?"

"Is that why your other eye is wrinkly and fleshy with a few hairs sticking out?" Ino asked.

* * *

**PERVY SASUKE SCENE TAKE 1:**

Now, Hinata was a well-endowed girl and Sasuke's teenage mind was egging his body on to do something he would later regret. With a sweaty and shaking hand, he reached out and squeezed one of Hinata's boobs.

Suddenly Hinata's body erupted in smoke.

"What the-"

When the smoke cleared, Everyone was met with the sight of Sasuke holding Orochimaru in his arms...

"Why Sasuke- kun, what big arms you have..."

Sasuke vomited and fell backwards in shock.

"Hey Jiraiya where are you going with Hinata?" Kisame asked.

Jiraiya was halfway through the door leading out of the booth with Hinata slung across his shoulder...

"uh...nowhere.."

"Why is that Condom sticking out of your back pocket?"

"...I plead the fifth."

"You know JiraiHina is not part of this fic."

* * *

**PERVY SASUKE SCENE TAKE 2:**

Sasuke looked down at the unconscious Hinata. "Hn. You were no match for me," he declared in an arrogant tone. Hinata lay limp and the only indication that she was still alive was when her chest rose and fell as she was breathing. To his horror, Sasuke found his attention being drawn to it.

Now, Hinata was a well-endowed girl and Sasuke's teenage mind was egging his body on to do something he would later regret. With a sweaty and shaking hand, he reached out and squeezed one of Hinata's boobs.

The next thing he knew, he was Jyuuken Bitch Slapped. But Hinata used more force than neccessary. This meant that Sasuke was Hit so hard he was knocked across the room and landed on the body of Orochimaru. Now this is where things get complicated. Now it is a known fact that most times when you are in pain your mouth is open in a silent scream. This applies to Sasuke aswell. So when he was hit his mouth was open. Now keep in mind nobody wants to land on Orochimaru, let alone with their mouth open. So when Sasuke landed on Orochimaru with his mouth open he was in too much pain to notice what EXACT part of Orochimaru he landed on. When Sasuke woke up he noticed something firm and slender lodged in his mouth.

It was the best day of Orochimaru's life.

**A/N: C'mon C'mon, time to review!**


	15. Chapter 15

**NARUTO AND HIDAN'S CORNER.**

**NARUTO: GUESS WHO'S BACK! LONG TIME NO SEE GUYS!**

**HIDAN: I FUCKIN MISSED ALL OF YOU AND YOUR REVIEWS!**

**NARUTO: DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER OUR RAP SONG? THAT'S STILL MY FAVORITE CHAPTER EVER. YOU GUYS MIGHT ACTUALLY HEAR SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN...POSSIBLY.**

**HIDAN: ANY WHO...WHAT ARE WE GONNA RANT ON TODAY RAMEN STAND RUTO? (REFERENCE TO INUYONAS'S FAIRYTALE STORY)**

**NARUTO: OK WE'RE GONNA RANT ON HOW TOBI TURNED OUT TO OBITO**

**HIDAN: OBITO YOU DUMB FUCK. WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE RIN'S BODY AND INFUSE HER WITH THE SHODAIME HOKAGE'S CELLS OR ASK PEIN TO BRING HER BACK...**

**NARUTO: WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS HOW OBITO WENT TOE TO TOE WITH MY DADDY! THE YELLOW FLASH TOOK OUT BATTALIONS OF NINJAS IN SECONDS...AND WHY HE SOUNDED SO OLD WHEN KAKASHI WAS LIKE 14 YEARS OLD WHEN I WAS BORN.**

**HIDAN: AND THE REAL MADARA KILLED TSUNADE! AND BRUTALLY BEAT THE OTHER KAGE'S**

**NARUTO: GRANNY'S DEAD!**

**HIDAN: WELL TECHNICALLY SHE'S IN HALF...BUT LET'S FACE IT...SHE'S NOT GONNA WALK ANY TIME SOON...**

**NARUTO: I HONESTLY THINK SASUKE MIGHT AWAKEN THE RINNEGAN...**

**HIDAN: BUT IF HE DOES THAT THEN YOU ARE GONNA AWAKEN SOMETHING SUPER THAT EVEN SURPASSES THAT! LIKE ALL THE BIJUU MIGHT FORM IN YOUR BODY AND YOU MIGHT COMBINE THEM AND FORM THE 10 TAILED BEAST AND BECOME IT'S JINCHUURIKI AND USE IT'S CHAKRA AND DEMOLISH SASUKE IN BATTLE.**

**NARUTO: BUT THEN SASUKE'S RINNEGAN MIGHT EVOVLE INTO SOMETHING ELSE AND THEN HE'LL KAMEHAMEHA MY ASS..**

**HIDAN: BUT THEN KISHIMOTO WILL GO ABOVE AND BEYOND AND GIVE YOU 100 RARE CANDIES AND YOU'LL BE ON LEVEL 1000 AND SASUKE'S ATTACK WON'T BE VERY EFFECTIVE.**

**NARUTO...: WHHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?**

**HIDAN: ...I FORGET.**

**NARUTO: ANYWHO ENJOY FANS!**

"This will be a life-changing moment for me…for all of us. First and foremost, I am going to make three things happen today – Sakura, I am going to give you a makeover."

"A makeover?" Sakura asked, furrowing her brow.

"Yes. After I am done with you, you will have Sasuke eating out of the palm of your hand and distract him enough to win the game – which is the second thing that I'm making happen today," Madara was saying as he faced his back to his team, "Lastly, Sakura, you will distract Sasuke so that he no longer has an interest in my woman and then I will pounce her and finally…finally! After all the years of peeping, plotting and waiting, I will finally get the woman of my dreams, restore the Uchiha clan and rule the ninja world side-by-side with my Princess."

"Sounds like I'm doing all the work here," Sakura said.

Madara turned around and put his hands on his hips and snapped his fingers at Sakura like a diva, "Excuse me, I'm going to give you the makeover that will lead to the accomplishment of the other things."

"I don't need a makeover, I already look goooood."

Team Mad including Madara fell over laughing. He woke up again and dusted his cloak, "Ahhh Haruno, thanks for the laugh, good team spirit building morale. But seriously, let's get to work, Temari you're pretty so you're in charge of makeup."

Temari blushed at the compliment.

"Nagato, you have nice, straight red hair, so you're in charge of her hair!"

Nagato's visible eye misted over, "Do you really like my hair, do you? Do you? Do you?" he was all up in Madara's face and Madara pushed him away, "Uhh, yeah. Sai, you have a great sense of style so you can handle her clothes-"

"I've been waiting for this moment for a long time…"

Madara looked at Sai suspiciously but then turned to Samui, "Since you have such large ti- boo- I mean_assets_, you can handle that department."

Samui smirked, "Not even a wonderbra is going to help her."

Sakura balled her fists.

"Ahhh wonderbra…" Ao said suddenly and all heads turned in his direction, "I remember when I was but a young chuunin about to engage in the act of love with a most voluptuous kunoichi, things were getting heated and I proceeded to remove her undergarment…a real lacy and racy black number and then…"

"AND THEN!" the rest of Team Mad wanted to know.

"And then I finally figured out why it's called a Wonderbra," Ao continued.

"Why?" asked Akatsuchi.

"Because when I took it off I wondered where her tits went," Ao said and slapped his knee in laughter.

"Anyway, to conclude my ingenious plan, Jirobo and Akatsuchi, your job is to cause grievous bodily harm to any and every member of Team Troublesome."

Jirobo and Akatsuchi rubbed their hands together gleefully as Temari, Sai, Nagato and Samui got to work on Sakura.

-X-

**"The second match of the football leg of the ninja all stars tournament is almost under way and in case you forgot, it's going to be Team Mad up against Team Troublesome, who do you think is going to win, Kisame?" Jiraiya commentated.**

**"It could go either way, both are very strong teams but my money is on Team Troublesome – they've got the tactical genius Shikamaru and Sasuke! I'm sure Orochimaru is going to agree with me on this one, right hey Oro ol' pal? Orochimaru?"**

Orochimaru's eyes were glazed over as music from an epic guitar solo resonated throughout the field. Team Troublesome were walking in seemingly slow-motion with their helmets tucked under their arms. Sasuke was at the front and he raised his water bottle, dripped water on to his hair and then shook it, also in slow motion then ran his hands through it and then winked at the crowd.

"Just look at that little show-off!" Madara seethed.

The fans were going crazy, various pieces of underwear were being thrown out on to the field. Kiba picked up a black lacy thong and tucked in into his pocket. This did not miss Sasuke's eyes.

"Hey Kiba, I think that was your sister's," he said with a smirk.

Kiba paled, and then turned bright red just as fast, "Why you – you – bastard!" He lunged at Sasuke and both of them tumbled down onto the grass where Kiba was trying to strangle Sasuke with the thong.

In the announcers booth, Orochimaru was salivating onto his microphone. Kisame moved it away and put some paper towels down.

**"A grand entrance by Team Troublesome, I wonder what Team Mad has up their sleeves to wow the crowd!" Jiraiya said.**

The guitar solo was still blaring through the sound system and Rock Lee's round eyes were filled to the brim with tears, "Gai-sensei, your youthful idea to use music to inspire and pump up the team worked!"

From the side-lines, Gai flashed him a smile and a thumbs up. All the noise from the music and Kiba and Sasuke's fight was aggravating Tsunade until she cracked and grabbed the two boys and using her insane strength, she threw them on opposite sides of the field.

**"What power! Too bad the coaches can't participate in the match, Team Troublesome would have this in the bag," Kisame said**, watching as Sasuke and Kiba staggered to their feet and limped back to where the rest of their teammates were standing.

"Listen to that buffoon Kisame, he knows so little of the power that I possess," Madara said, irritated.

Team Mad emerged from the change rooms, with Madara leading the way. He held a mega phone in his hand, "We do not have fancy theme music, or pretty-boys on our team - "

"Hey!"both Sai and Nagato protested.

Madara ignored them, "But we do have this – let me introduce you to… Sakura 2.0 – the sexy version!" Madara made a grand gesture with his hand and the rest of Team Mad parted to reveal Sakura 2.0.

Jaws dropped.

Gasps echoed.

Pants grew tighter.

Thuds were heard as some people fainted.

Sakura stood there with a seductive smile, expertly done makeup, her hair had highlights and extensions in it, her football uniform was altered to fit her more snugly and exposed her enhanced cleavage. With an air of confidence and her newfound sex-appeal, she led Team Mad to the centre of the field for their face-off against Team Troublesome.

**"What the – can someone please inform Madara that this is not Konoha's Next Top Model?" Orochimaru said, finally snapping out of his daze.**

**"Hold on there Orochimaru, this may be part of a bigger strategy to confuse and distract a team of all boys with female lure!" Kisame said in admiration.**

**"Been there, tried that," Orochimaru said smugly.**

**"Didn't work?" Kisame added.**

**"Shut up Kisame."**

**Jiraiya twitched violently and panted like a dog at Sakura's new look.**

**"Jiraiya are you ok?" Kisame questioned noticing Jiraiya's state of...weirdness.**

**"UUGG!" Jiraiya screamed banging against the announcer booth glass. He turned his head to look at the other announcers. They noticed his eyes were all white with no pupil.**

**Kisame and Orochimaru shared a look.**

**"Maybe you need to lie down a bit Jiraiya." Orochimaru suggested. He touched Jiraiya on the shoulder.**

**"UUGG!" Jiraiya turmed and back handed Orochimaru fiercely in the face. The snake Sannin flew back and hit the booth's wall.**

**"WHOA! Jiraiya that's too far!" Kisame began. "That's it mister! You deserve a time out!"**

**"UUGG! ME WANT SAKURA 2.0! ME NO WANT TIME OUT!" Jiraiya screamed banging on the glass some more**

**"I know what's going on Kisame."**

**Kisame turned to look at Orochimaru walking toward him.**

**"This happens only when he comes in contact with EXTREMELY gorgeous people who were not born that way." Oro explained.**

**Kisame raised an eyebrow. "O...k?"**

**Orochimaru continued. "He is currently in SUPER PERVERT mode. A mode even more powerful than his legendary sage mode. One technique to watch out for in this mode is the Hentai-ton: Pelvic mega thrust no jutsu and combined with Erect-ton: ultra penis, it's deadly-**

**"UUGG! ME WANT SAKURA!" Jiraiya screamed.**

**He banged on the glass one final time and this time the glass broke. He leapt through the new hole in the window like a bat out of hell.**

**"Oh shit he escaped!" Kisame screamed.**

**Orochimaru lowered his head. "May Sakura Rest in peace."**

-X-

Naruto stood stock still eyes wide on Sakura's new look.

Hidan grabbed the front part of his pants to hide his reaction.

"Sakura...she never..." Naruto began with his voice quivering

Hinata and Ino heard Naruto speak and their minds began to wonder.

_'Oh No Not Naruto-kun too! I bet he's going to say something like she's never looked so good.'_Hinata thought.

_'Say it aint so Naru-kun. Why must you always be stuck on forehead?'_Ino thought.

"She's never what Ruto?" Hidan asked.

"She never..."

"What?" Hidan asked again.

"She never...TOLD ME SHE HAD A HOT SISTER TEBAYO!"

Ino squealed with glee at Naruto's stupidity.

Hinata only shook her head. Relieved that Naruto didn't know that, that was Sakura but worried about her crushes brain power.

-X-

"Psh. I smell photoshop," Mei commented, looking at Sakura 2.0 in disbelief.

"You can't photoshop someone in reality…although, for your sake, I wish there was a way…" Ino said and high-fived Tenten.

"Can you spot any part of me that is not sheer perfection?" Mei asked.

"I don't know, those wrinkles are looking pretty visible…" Tenten said.

"WHAT!" Mei exclaimed, whipping out a mirror from her robes.

-X-

"Madara seriously thinks something as lame as this will distract us?" Shikamaru said, shaking his head in disdain.

"I don't know…" it was Shino who spoke, "Sakura is like a caterpillar who went into a cocoon and has emerged as a butterfly."

There was stunned silence from his teammates until Rock Lee shouted, "Sakura your youthful ravishing beauty is now more blinding than ever, I lay my heart out here for you to take!"

"Would you morons get a grip? We need to win…for Tsunade-sama," Sasuke said.

"As you wish, Sasuke," Juugo said.

"Did you just say…Tsunade-sama…?"Kiba asked.

"Is there something wrong with your hearing?" Sasuke snapped.

Before another fight could ensue, Shikamaru pointed out that Kabuto was missing from the team.

"He punked out, probably can't handle the awesomeness," Kiba said with a yawn.

"I'm right here."

They turned to see Kabuto who finally made an appearance on the field and he too, had made some changes. His long hair was now a shade of pitch black and he wasn't wearing his glasses.

"Looks like Team Troublesome is also sporting a member with a makeover, what do you think of this one, Orochimaru?" Jiraiya asked.

"I think…that I am going to rethink things between Kabuto and I. Maybe take our relationship to the next level…"

"Yeah Orochimaru, you're not shallow at ALL," Kisame rolled his eyes,"Looks like Sasuke is the QB for Team Troublesome, no surprises there."

"Sasuke is the Kyuubi? I thought the Kyuubi was inside me?" Naruto said, gaping.

"No you blonde fool, QB as in the Quarterback," Hidan informed him.

"Ohhhh."

"And for Team Mad, the QB is going to be Sakura 2.0," Kisame said, having to do all of the commentary because Jiraiya was off on a rampage and Orochimaru couldn't decide who he wanted to ogle more – Sasuke or the new Kabuto.

His question was answered when Kabuto turned in the direction of the announcers booth and blew a kiss and winked in Orochimaru's direction. The throbbing pink heart travelled all the way to the booth, through the hole that Jiraiya made and Orochimaru caught it and fainted. Kabuto had a smug look on his face.

"How did you learn how to do my youthful flirting manoeuvre?" Lee demanded.

"Hn," replied Kabuto.

"Oh please, this guy is trying to act like me, how pathetic," Sasuke shook his head.

"Afraid of a little competition?" Kabuto asked.

"Competition for _what_?"

"Shut up Sasuke, you are so last chapter!" Orochimaru screamed, having recovered from his fainting spell when Kisame used his water jutsu to awaken him, "OH KABUTO I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH YOU!"

"Neither can I, Orochimaru-sama, we can finally use those massage oils I got you for your birthday."

"This is one of those times I wish I were deaf, hey Shikamaru?" Kankurou said, nudging Shikamaru who was next to him, but he nudged the air because Shikamaru was passed out on the grass.

-X-

After all the banter, Team Troublesome and Team Mad were finally ready to begin the match. They took their positions on the field. Nagato looked green, he wasn't sure that his physique was quite up to playing football.

The Tsuchikage was refereeing this match and he blew the whistle. Sasuke and Sakura were in their positions behind the line of scrimmage.

"I must say that Sasuke looks rather ravishing in that position," Orochimaru said.

"I thought you said that Sasuke was so last chapter?" Kisame said.

"I am playing hard to get, Kisame."

"How can you play hard to get when you're already hard to want?"

-X-

Sasuke passed the ball to Lee and before anybody knew what happened there was an ear-shattering THUD! The ground around the players split in half, there was a great cloud of dust and there was a quiet eeriness throughout the stadium. When the dust cleared, there was an ecstatic roar of cheers from the Team Troublesome supporters as Lee had cleared the touchdown line.

"My youthful student," Gai cried, his tears causing a mini flood.

Lee had taken off his weights and zoomed almost as fast as the Yellow Flash to score a touchdown.

"Nicely done," Sasuke congratulated him, and Lee was enveloped by his other teammates in celebration.

"You could say that was brilliant – wait for it – Lee done!" Lee said, flashing a thumbs-up.

Team Mad looked downcast. How were they ever going to win against that sort of power? Sakura's transformation didn't seem to be having any effect.

Unfortunately, that move had used up a significant amount of Lee's chakra and he couldn't pull another one like that off again, which kind of evened out the playing field.

Team Mad enjoyed possession of the ball for a while until Kankurou used his chakra strings to haul it out of Jirobo's grasp.

"Team Troublesome is really using their skills well, as for Team Mad, they really need to step up their game," Kisame commented.

It was only until Kabuto fumbled a pass that Team Mad got possession of the ball again. Sakura was about to pass it to Akatsuchi but she was roughly tackled by Kiba in his beast mode.

"Bunch of duds!" Madara yelled angrily.

Juugo ran passed the 20 – yard line and scored an easy touchdown.

Nagato was in the middle of a daydream involving Konan when suddenly a huge, forboding shadow loomed over him. Nagato turned around slowly, "S-Sensei?"

"UUUGGGG! . ."

"Uh oh, should we do something?" Kisame said, looking over at Orochimaru who shook his head.

"Nothing can be done, Kisame. It's hopeless. Here, use this until it's over," Orochimaru handed him a blindfold.

But Kisame didn't use it, he was too curious to see what was going to happen.

"SAKURA! ME WANT!" Jiraiya screamed, beating his chest with both hands like an ape.

"What the fuu-" Sakura said as she was gripped around the waist and slammed to the ground by Jiraiya. Sai, Lee, Shino and Jirobo tried to pry Jiraiya off Sakura but they were sent flying.

"W-what is that in your pants?" Sakura asked squirming, then her eyes widened, "OH MY GOD!"

-X-

Hinata didn't particularly like Sakura, but this was just not right. "P-poor Sakura."

"I've heard of this before," Itachi said, "The Super Pervert mode. Sakura doesn't stand a chance, unless…"

"Unless what?" Hinata asked.

"She goes back to her old self again…"

"I'll never go back!" Sakura said struggling against the insane Jiraiya.

"Sakura it's the only way!" Hinata shouted in despair. She really wanted to help Sakura...this time.

"Never!"

"UUUGGGG No JUTSU!" Jiraiya screamed placing his hands into the ram seal.

Then his crotch started to spasm and grow.

"What the fuck!?" screamed a green haired kunoichi from the stands.

Hidan had his ears nearly blown off from the force of the scream that came from the person sitting beside him. She had green hair too.

"Shut the hell up you mint haired, mega throat having bitch!"

Fu raised her eyebrows and stared at Hidan.

"Dude take a chill pill...and swallow it." Naruto said trying to calm down his ninja bro.

"No I Won't! This bitch needs to learn all about volume! Bitch my ears almost fell off due to you having a voice almost as bad as Sakura 1.0!"

Ino high fived tenten.

Fu continued to stare, mouth slightly agape.

Hidan continued to rant.

"Next time warn me when you're about to turn on your bitch hole at full power!"

"Hidan! Heel! Heel boy!" Naruto shouted pulling at Hidan's arm.

"No the bitch-GRRR-needs-GRRR-to shut the fuck up-ragh!"

"Heel damn you! Don't make me neuter your ass!" Naruto shouted yanking Hidan back.

Fu just stared at the two most awesomest ninjas ever...mainly at Hidan who had just violated her with words. _'...i think...I like getting talked to that way...'_

She subconsciously pressed her legs together.

**"Just out of curiosity...how would you neuter an ass?" Orochimaru said, now back in the announcers booth**

**"Orochimaru, you better keep straight down this street, because I'm not going down that road with you."**

Nagato watched everyone pile around Jiraiya about to savagely rape Sakura in all of her holes.

"Well technically the game is still going on...SO this is still legal."

He clapped his hands together.

"Kuchiyose no jutsu!"

6 poofs of smoke surrounded Nagato. When they cleared six bodies were revealed. They all had Orange hair, face piercings and was wearing the original the Akatsuki cloak.

Nagato had summoned Deva Path, Asura Path, Preta Path, Naraka path, Human Path and Animal path.

The six paths of Pein were back.

Nagato picked up the football and prepared to act as Quarter back for his six paths.

"It's not gonna be that easy!"

Nagato stared at the guy standing in front of him and his paths.

Kankurou stood valiantly in Nagato's way. Sasori (His puppet), Crow and Ant were out on each side of him.

"You think it's gonna be a walk in the park trying to score on me?" Asked Kankurou activating the Hidan rotating blades in Sasori's back trying to intimidate Nagato.

_***10 Seconds later***_

It didn't work.

Nagato had scored 257.69 times against Kankurou. Onoki kept track.

Kankurou was unconscious and hanging over the field goal poles his puppets scattered all over the football field.

"UUGG! ME ALMOST READY TO DO PELVIC MEGA THRUST NO JUTSU!"

"Sakura please turn back!" Hinata pleaded.

"NEVER!"

"I'm afraid if Sakura-san does not want to turn back then we cannot help her." Itachi began. "Jiraiya-sama is gonna do to her what NaruSasu fics do to this site."

Hinata blinked. Due to authors (Inuyonas) not wanting to offend anyone any further, she had no idea what Itachi was talking about.

"Sakura please!" Even Shikamaru wanted to help.

"NO! Do you know what I looked like before?" Sakura asked still struggling against the possessed Jiraiya.

"...Meg from family guy?"

Kurenai high fived Mei.

"Sakura!" Hinata screamed again.

"No! I will never go back!"

Madara slapped his forehead "I'm getting sick of this. FOR GODSAKE SAKURA IT'S JUST A HENGE! YOUR LEVEL OF HIDEOUS IS IMPOSSIBLE TO FIX WITHOUT A MEGA ULTRA TIME AND SPACE JUTSU THAT ONLY ME AND THE YELLOW FLASH COULD CREATE!"

The arena was silenced by Madara's statement.

"...Henge?" Sakura asked in utter shock.

"UUGG! PREPARATION COMPLETE!"

Jiraiya's penis burst violently through his pants.

It had a toad's face.

"PELVIC THRUST NO JUTSU!"

Seeing Jiraiya about to violate Sakura made Naruto burst into action. In the blink of an eye Naruto jumped up from his seated position, activate bijuu mode level 2, created 4 shadow clones and flash toward Jiraiya.

"I'll save you Sakura's sister!"

_**BOOM!**_

_**CRASH!**_

_**THUD!**_

"AAAAAH!"

AN- AND THATS A MAJOR CLIFFHANGER WE LEFT YOU WITH! BUT DON'T WORRY...YOU STILL GET THESE!

**BLOOPERS:**

**Make over scene take 1:**

Madara turned around and put his hands on his hips and snapped his fingers at Sakura like a diva, "Excuse me, I'm going to give you the makeover that will lead to the accomplishment of the other things."

"I don't need a makeover, I already look goooood."

Team Mad including Madara fell over laughing. He woke up again and dusted his cloak, "Ahhh Haruno, thanks for the laugh, good team spirit building morale. But seriously, let's get to work, Temari you're pretty so-

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

HAHEHAHEHAHAEHHAHAHEHEHEHEHE HE!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"HAAAAAAA!"

"HEEEEEEE!"

"HOHOHOHOHHOOHOHO!"

"HAHAHOHAHOHA!"

"KUKUKUKU!"

"HEHOHOHOEHOOHO!"

"HYAHYAHYAHYAHAYHAYAHAYAHAYAH AYHYA!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

HAHEHAHEHAHAEHHAHAHEEEEEEHEH EHEHEHE!"

"HAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAHA!"

"HAAAAAAA!"

"HEEEEEEE!"

"HOHOHOHAAAAAOHHOOHOHO!"

"HAHAHOHAHOHA!"

"KUKUKUKU!"

"HEHOHOHOEHOOHO!"

"HYAHYAHYAHYAHAYHAYAHAYAHAYAH AYHYA!"

Madara glared at the two people who dared interrupt him.

"Are you two done?"

"I am tebayo!"

"I'm not you ancient fuck..."

**Make over scene take 2****:**

Madara turned around and put his hands on his hips and snapped his fingers at Sakura like a diva, "Excuse me, I'm going to give you the makeover that will lead to the accomplishment of the other things."

"I don't need a makeover, I already look goooood."

_**THUD!**_

Madara slapped his mask. "...Goddamnit Deidara."

"SAKURA KILLED DEIDARA!" HIDAN SCREAMED.

"SAKURA YOU BASTARD!" Naruto shouted.

**Kabuto's new look scene take 1:**

Before another fight could ensue, Shikamaru pointed out that Kabuto was missing from the team.

"He punked out, probably can't handle the awesomeness," Kiba said with a yawn.

"I'm right here."

They turned to see Kabuto who finally made an appearance on the field and he too, had made some changes. He had a black shirt, blue jeans, black and white sneakers, a blue short sleeved jacket and a red and white cap. his hair was short and black. The word pocket monsters was written on his cap.

"What the fuck are you supposed to be?" Sasuke said sceptically.

"I'll defeat you and win that badge!" Kabuto shouted

"...Dude you got ready for the wrong fic..." Shikamaru said tiredly

_**Sakura's new look take 1:**_

Team Mad emerged from the change rooms, with Madara leading the way. He held a mega phone in his hand, "We do not have fancy theme music, or pretty-boys on our team - "

"Hey!"both Sai and Nagato protested.

Madara ignored them, "But we do have this – let me introduce you to… Sakura 2.0 – the sexy version!" Madara made a grand gesture with his hand and the rest of Team Mad parted to reveal Sakura 2.0.

Jaws dropped.

Gasps echoed.

Pants grew tighter.

_**THUD!**_

Madara tossed his mega phone in rage.

"DEIDARA! Y U NO STAY ALIVE!"

Sakura stood there with a seductive smile, expertly done makeup, her hair had highlights and extensions in it, her football uniform was altered to fit her more snugly and exposed her enhanced cleavage. With an air of confidence and her newfound sex-appeal, she led Team Mad to the centre of the field for their face-off against Team Troublesome.

"AAAAAAAAH WHAT THE FROG BALLS IS GOING ON IN HER PANTS TEBAYO?" Naruto screamed in pure terror.

Sakura had a massive boner bulging out showing on her right leg.

Orochimaru cocked his head to the side and squinted his eyes. "...Is...is that mine?"

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


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Naruto, Humor, Parody