Bleach 1. Kira Gets Creamed

Hello all! DolphinWhisperer here with a new story! *gasp* This is what has been taking my creativity away from Bleached Ice, but I hope you will like it anyway. (Those who come here and would like Bleached Ice to come out sooner, **please** send me ideas! I need your help!) But yes, I have a feeling this will be a great story. It's mostly Kira-centric so if you're a Kira hater, then maybe this isn't the right story for you… or maybe it is. He does get beat up a lot… Anyway, enjoy!

This is a quick shout out to my beta Barbellenel. Thanks for being there and helping me out through all of this! And thank you in advance to those who read and review!

Reviews are welcome, but if you criticize, please be nice. I don't take well to flames, pretty though they are.

**Warnings:** Takes place before Bleach storyline (before Ichigo even meets Rukia). Possible OOC-ness, but it will try to be minimized. Includes references to stories by Barbellenel – while it's not necessary to read them, it helps to get the small jokes. :)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or its characters, but oh man, is it fun to play with them. Thank you for creating them, Tite Kubo!

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Kira Gets Creamed

Laziness had roamed freely in the Seireitei summer days. With the rise in temperature, the motivation of the squads had diminished immensely. When all of the shinigami spent one very hot day in the cool shade of their respective barracks, sipping iced teas and napping, Captain General Yamamoto knew something had to be done. The next day, as per his orders, all of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads were to spend the day out in the field training with their vice-captains. The captains were to stay in the offices and do the paperwork, also per Yama-jii's orders. When news of this reached the third squad, they quickly made their way to their favorite training spot, a clearing amongst the trees near the Rukongai, and began their training exercises. Sadly, the loudest noise coming from said clearing was not the sound of battle, but of cursing.

"Ouch! Stupid tree root!" Another trip, another fall, and another shout from Izuru Kira, vice-captain of the third. The blond, in the midst of training his men, was having a day of clumsiness. Every way he turned, he ran into something or tripped over something else. This time, it was an exposed tree root that felled him, earning him a bruise on his forehead and a dirt-covered uniform.

"Lieutenant Kira, sir, are you alright?" one of his subordinates asked, offering a hand.

Kira sighed, taking the man's hand and hoisting himself up. "Yeah, I'll be alright. Thank you." He dusted himself off. "Just another two casualties to add to the list. My poor uniform. I just washed it too…"

The subordinate cocked his head. "If I may, sir, what do you mean by 'casualties'?"

Kira counted on his fingers. "Let's see, I managed to jam my finger on Wabisuke's hilt right off the bat, then I dodged a squad member's attack only to run face first into a tree trunk. I jumped back to dodge another attack and cracked my back on one of the limbs, and when I landed, I twisted my ankle partially. Now I have a bruise on my forehead from that root, and I need to clean my uniform." He gave the shinigami a grave look. "Does that answer your question?"

The squad member cringed. "Yes, sir. Sorry I asked."

With a small bow, he rushed off to train some more, leaving Kira to wonder what his problem was.

***** ブリ一チ *****

"Bring on the sake!"

After their long day of training, Renji Abarai, Ikkaku Madarame, Yumichika Ayasegawa, and Shuuhei Hisagi had decided a night of relaxation was in order, so they had flocked to Hisagi's office. Shuuhei had prepped a pot of coffee while Yumichika had made his tea. Both men currently sat in their respective corners, sipping their preferred beverages. Ikkaku had brought the bottle of sake and set it in the middle of the room. From the look of anticipation on the redhead's face, the bald man was starting to wish he had brought another bottle.

"Renji, stop grabbing for it!" yelled Ikkaku. "Just wait and I'll get it ready for you! Damn, you have no patience!"

"Well, Ikkaku, if you wouldn't take so long preparing it…" Shuuhei smirked.

"Sounds like a personal problem," Yumichika mused, taking a sip of his tea.

"Shut it, you two," Renji huffed. He grabbed at the sake again. "C'mon, Ping Pong Ball, you're taking too long! I want to drink until my tattoos fall off!"

Slapping Renji away, Ikkaku poured a cup and handed it over. "Here you go, Drinky Pete." He poured another. "'Sagi? Yumi? Want a cup while I'm at it?"

"Naw, I'm fine with my coffee," Shuuhei said, taking a swig.

Yumichika stuck his nose in the air. "I'd rather not mix my delectable tea flavors with those of sake. Oh, what a combination!" He shuddered at the thought.

Ikkaku shrugged. "Suit yourselves." He poured himself a cup, not really caring about the formalities.

Renji downed the entire cup in one gulp. "Ahh, that's the stuff." He followed Ikkaku's example of informality and poured himself another helping, downing it just as fast as the first.

Hisagi looked up from his coffee. "Long day of training, Renji? I know you like to drink, but damn. You have to let the alcohol sink in first before you do anything stupid."

"Stupid is normal for him," Ikkaku chimed in, grinning.

"Aw, shaddap," Renji growled, finishing his third helping. "My captain's out to get me. I have an excuse."

"Out to get you?" Hisagi asked.

Renji gulped down another cup. "Yeah. I guess he found out about the whole 'trying to surpass him' thing, so now he's trying to make my life a living hell. He told me before training today that if the squad hadn't visibly improved, he was going to skin me, use my hide as a rug and stick my disembodied head in a fruit basket."

"I didn't realize Captain Kuchiki had such a violent side," Yumichika interjected.

"Oh, he does, and it's gonna come out soon," Renji sighed, draining his fifth sake cup. "Doesn't help that during training, we met up with the Thirteenth. Rukia and I talked for a bit-"

"Yeah, one of your squad members said it was the best hour break he'd ever had," Ikkaku smirked.

"-so we didn't get everything accomplished that I'd wanted to. Now Kuchiki's gonna have my head for breakfast."

"Eww…" Yumi jammed his eyes shut. "Nothing like a little cannibalism in the evening." He rubbed a temple with his free hand to try and erase the image.

Ikkaku glanced over at Hisagi. "Well, looks like your squad's training went well. Otherwise, you'd be drinking with us."

Hisagi nodded. "It went pretty smoothly. No complaints." He looked around the room as he took another sip. "Where's Kira? Surely he's done with training by now."

Renji, starting to feel the alcohol's effects, raised his refilled cup in the air. "'S prolly jus' stuck in a tree some'ere."

An awkward shuffling could be heard through the door. The noise grew louder, and so did the mumbling that came with it.

"Ugh, I'm glad that's over. Ow! What the-? Ahh! Not again! … Ouch."

Hisagi, Yumichika and Ikkaku exchanged confused looks as the door flew open.

A bruised and battered Kira limped his way into the office, shutting the door behind him. He wordlessly joined Renji and Ikkaku in the middle of the room and poured himself a cup of sake, too irritated to care about the formalities. He finished it rather quickly, but not as fast as the soused redhead had.

Hisagi looked at the blonde carefully. "Kira? What-?"

"Wow, Kira, you look like hell!" Ikkaku blurted out. "Did your entire squad tackle you or something?"

Kira glared at the bald man, then sighed. "They might as well have." He poured himself another cup, then began sipping it. "It seems like the entire world is out to get me right now."

Renji scooted over to Kira, grabbed the bottle from him and chugged the rest of it. Ikkaku cursed. "I knew I should've brought another bottle." The redhead flung an arm around Kira. "Join da club. M' cap'n wants me t' be a fruit carpet but I tol' 'im I was allergick t' beheadin'."

Kira raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, okay… You're not drunk at all. No…" He pushed Renji off of him, turning to the others. "What's he rambling about?"

"He thinks his captain is going to skin him alive and put his head in a fruit basket if his squad doesn't appear stronger to Captain Kuchiki tomorrow," Hisagi stated between sips.

Kira rolled his eyes. "Right… Does he realize he's delusional?"

"Probably not."

Kira nodded. "Okay, thought so. Just checking."

"So, Izuru," Yumichika started, "what happened out there? Did you encounter our captain or something?"

"No, worse. The scenery tried to eat me."

Ikkaku gaped at him. "How is that worse?"

Kira gave him a level stare. "Your captain would've killed me. The scenery left me alive to feel all my wounds."

"Wait, the scenery tried to eat you?" Hisagi asked, cocking an eyebrow.

The blond opened his arms wide. "All of these injuries are from today's training. I ran into so many trees and fell on my face way too many times to be a coincidence."

"Well, that's weird," Yumichika pondered, savoring his tea. "You're actually pretty graceful most of the time. Not as graceful as me, but still… I wonder why today was different?"

"I think our ballerina needs a new pair of tights!" Ikkaku snickered, slapping his thigh.

"And I think Ikkaku needs a new sense of humor… or a replacement brain. Oh wait, there wasn't one in there to begin with," Hisagi chimed in.

Ikkaku's expression went blank. "Tutu-ché."

"Really though, guys," Kira interrupted, blowing a puff of air out of the side of his mouth. "Like Yumi said, I'm not usually this uncoordinated. I think something's wrong with me."

Yumichika thought for a minute. "Maybe you're in need of some spirit particles. I know firsthand how bad reishi deficiencies can be. A slight deficit of particles and my hours spent on achieving a perfect complexion fly out the window."

"Reishi, huh? That's a thought…" Kira tried absorbing some particles, but gave up after a couple tries. "Nice try, Yumi, but it seems I'm at maximum reishi capacity."

"That's too bad," the fifth seat said, examining Kira's face. "Your pores need a good spirit scrub."

He sighed, swatting Yumi away. "Any other ideas?"

"You sure you got your shoes on the right feet, Blondie?" Ikkaku smirked, gulping down some of his sake.

Kira glared at him, puffing again. "I think I would notice that. You, on the other hand…"

"Hey, it was one time! Lay off!"

"Hmm," Yumichika deliberated. "Maybe you're distracted by something? A girlfriend, perhaps?"

The blonde turned bright red. "No! What are you talking about? I don't have a girlfriend or want one right now. My squad needs me."

"So does Momo," Yumichika winked.

Hisagi nodded in agreement, taking another swig of coffee. "Better you than Renji. Do you really want her to date _that_?" He pointed to the drunk redhead, who was using a brush to draw a mustache on himself and giggling madly.

Blushing profoundly, Kira shook his head with a puff. "We're just friends. Besides, I want to focus on my squad right now. If we keep up training, the third will be one of the best squads in the Seireitei."

"Whatever you say, Goldilocks," Yumichika mumbled into his cup.

"Performance anxiety, maybe?" Hisagi queried.

Ikkaku sneered. "That bad in bed, 'Zuru? I thought you didn't have it in you. Looks like I was right!"

Hisagi glowered at the bald man. "I mean, when it comes time to fight, moron."

Kira, blush renewed, shook his head again. "If you're talking about nerves, I have no problems there."

"Well then, maybe gravity just hates you," Hisagi contemplated.

"What are you talking about? There's no such thing as gravity!" Ikkaku interjected. Yumichika sighed, putting a hand to his temple.

Hisagi stuck his finger in the air. "What about poor eyesight?"

Ikkaku held up his open hand in front of the blonde. "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Five."

"What? No, this is four… Oh wait…"

Kira rolled his eyes, puffing again. "My eyesight is fine. There must be something we're missing."

"Oy 'Zuru," Renji drawled, "why ya keep blowin' yer face like 'at? Ya'd think yer hair turned 'skeeto an' 's buzzin' 'roun' ya or sometin'."

Hisagi cocked his head. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Yumichika waved him off. "Oh, don't mind him. He's completely drunk, and we all know that drunk people can't think."

"'As no' true," Renji gurgled, slowly leaning to one side. "I 's thinkin' perfeckly. I 's no' drunk."

Ikkaku pushed Renji's head to the floor, his body following. "Yes, you are. Shut up."

"'Kay."

"Besides," Yumi continued, "his statement makes no sense. 'Hair turned mosquito'? Impossible. Hair can't fly."

"Or buzz," Hisagi added. "Unless there's a new form of super hair out there that can. With the twelfth division, you never know."

"And mosquitoes sure are annoying," Ikkaku declared. "There are times I wish I had hair simply to keep those pests away. After summer, my head looks like a light bulb with chicken pox."

Kira, intent on discovering the meaning of Renji's words, incorporated this new information. _Hair turned mosquito… annoying pests…_ Frustrated, he exhaled another puff of air. _Annoying…_ His eyes widened. "That's it! My hair! It's been getting in my way and causing me trouble. That's why I've been trying to blow it out of my face. Renji, you're a genius."

Renji grabbed Kira's sake cup, finished it, to the horror of the blonde, then stuck his finger up his nose. "I keep diggin' fer rainbows bu' all I's gettin' 's taters."

Kira blinked. "I retract my previous statement."

Hisagi nodded in agreement. "Good. If you didn't, I would've done it for you."

"He does have a point though," Kira conceded. "My hair's gotten awfully unruly lately. The ends won't behave, so parts of it will stick out at weird angles. I've had to use more hair gel to get it to lay flat. So, what do I do? I can't let this hair-induced clumsiness to continue."

Yumichika clapped his hands together. "Simple! We get you a new hairstyle. We'll fix you up with something that is stylish, but easy to fight in." He put a finger to his lips. "But first, we'll have to erase your current style."

"Leave it to me!" Ikkaku stood up and cracked his knuckles. He pulled a startled Kira up off the floor. "Alright, Blondie, let's do this."

Grabbing Kira's giant unibang with one hand, he tried to pull it up out of position, to no avail. "What the-" He placed both hands on it and pulled again, but once again it didn't budge. Growling, Ikkaku braced one foot and put the other on Kira's midsection. The bald man pulled with all of his might, but still the blonde's hair wouldn't move.

"Ow, Ikkaku! You're hurting me!"

Ikkaku's face turned red from the exertion. "I've… al…most… got… it…"

"Ikkaku, stop! My ribs are cracking!"

"So… close…"

With Ikkaku still persisting and Kira about to break in half, Hisagi sprang off the floor and to his desk. He rolled up a thick wad of paperwork and gave Ikkaku a hard smack in the back of the head. "Down boy!" Released from the bald man's grip, Kira sank to the floor.

Ikkaku slunk away, whimpering. "Ass. You gave me a paper cut."

"Okay, like most of Ikkaku's plans, that didn't work. But, at least it showed me how stiff your hair is…" Yumichika got up and poured himself another cup of tea. He walked over to where Kira sat, kneeled down and took a can of creamer out of his sleeve. Ever so slightly, he moved the can up so that Kira's hair punctured the can. He removed it to examine the small hole, put it back and pushed up a little more to widen the hole, then walked back to his seat, satisfied.

As he poured the creamer into his cup, the other shinigami gave him bewildered looks. "What? I needed to open it for my tea."

"Why do you have creamer in your sleeve?" Hisagi asked.

"Well, I'm not going to put it in my pants, silly." Yumichika took a sip of his tea. "Alright, hair plan B. Izuru, go hop in the shower."

Kira picked himself up slowly. "I think I'd rather have someone look at my injuries first. It was a rough day out there, and Ikkaku's foot didn't help matters." He winced.

Ikkaku waved him off. "Eh, rub some dirt on it. You'll be fine. Now let's go."

Before Kira could react, Ikkaku grabbed the back of the blonde's collar and slung him over his shoulder like a backpack. Had he tried to stretch his feet, Kira could've touched the floor, but he was too busy flailing in a pitiful escape attempt to notice.

"Ikkaku Madarame, put me down this instant!"

The bald man looked over his shoulder. "Oh, full name. I'm shaking in my sandals." He turned to Yumichika. "Alright, to the third we go."

"Hang on," Hisagi requested. "Let me get Renji first."

The redhead had just finished yet another sake cup and had decided to play hide and seek with himself. He hid himself in the middle of the floor, hands covering his eyes and butt sticking straight up, giggling madly. "I so smar'. Nevva find m'self 'ere. Dat dus' bunny bedder no' tell."

Resisting the urge to kick his fellow vice captain, Hisagi grabbed the back of Renji's hakama and pulled him up to a semi-standing position.

Renji was horrified. "'Sagi, you cheader! I 's winnin'! Didn' e'en know you 's playin'…"

Hisagi nodded, playing along. "Yes, I'm playing, and I win. Time to go now."

"C'mon, 'Sagi," Renji whined, "'nother roun'…"

"No, no more sake or games for you." With that, Hisagi threw the redhead over his shoulder, making sure he had a secure hold on Renji's legs. "Renji, I swear if you puke on me, I'll kick your ass with your own foot."

"'Sokay, I go' esstras."

Rolling his eyes, Hisagi joined the others. Both eleventh squad members looked about ready to kill Kira, who was still flailing wildly. Ikkaku, in order to prevent any knee damage, had to keep doing a mini dance. Yumichika kept fixing his hair, which was under attack from the breeze that Kira was creating.

"Dude, stop targeting my legs!" Ikkaku yelled.

"Oh, this is awful," Yumichika simpered. "My beautiful raven locks! All my hard work wiped away by an ungrateful twig with a dye job!"

Kira stopped flailing to retort. "Hey! My hair is all natural, I'll have you know."

"Sure thing, Hair Gel Harbor."

"Shall we get the S.S. Shampoo under way?" Hisagi asked.

Yumichika snorted. "Good luck. The ship will get stuck in the bay, with all that gel in there."

Ikkaku pounded his chest with his free hand. "But don't forget, we're the lifeboats." Kira rolled his eyes.

"Riiight. Anyway, let's get going. To the third!" Hisagi announced.

With Renji and Kira in tow, the group closed down the office and flash stepped into the night. A single cry echoed in the darkness.

"Oh dear! I forgot my creamer!"

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If you will notice, this chapter is longer than any Bleached Ice chapter so far, and I have a feeling that it will be a trend for this story. That means that it's taken me a lot longer to write each chapter, so I'm still in need of hairstyle ideas, and just ideas for the story overall. If you come up with anything, please let me know. I'd appreciate input from my readers. :)


	2. Bathroom Breaks and Bouncing Blondes

Hello again! I have a Fourth of July gift for all of you. That's right, it's a new chapter! This one is even longer than the first one (and I thought the first one was long, haha). And just so all of you know, I'm still taking hairdo ideas for Kira, so if you have any, please let me know. The window of opportunity will close soon, though, so send them in while you can!

A quick thank you to my beta Barbellenel, Vivienne Grainger for reviewing, all those who read the last chapter, and anyone who reads this new one! Thank you all so much!

Reviews are welcome, but if you criticize, please be nice. I don't take well to flames, pretty though they are.

**Disclaimer:** It pains me to say that I do not own Bleach or its characters, but I do own the idea for this story and the way it's written. :)

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Bathroom Breaks and Bouncing Blondes

Within minutes, the group of shinigami arrived outside the third squad's barracks. Since most of the third squad was asleep, they had planned to quietly sneak into the barracks and congregate in Kira's chambers so the blonde could be forced into the shower. However, they neglected the fact that Ikkaku still had a flailing Kira in his grasp and Hisagi was carrying a drunk and vocal Renji on his shoulder. Neither of the captured lieutenants were too happy to play along with the plan.

Kira, though free to move his limbs, had no other means of motion in his trapped state on Ikkaku's back. He never had been one for being manhandled in any sense of the word, so needless to say he wasn't too happy about having his mobility stripped from him. He also wasn't too keen on the forced shower plan, since nobody cared about his physical wellbeing. Several years in the barracks taught him that injuries and high pressure showerheads do not mix. He shuddered at the phantom pain and focused on fighting the plan. Since it was the only movement he could make, he kicked at Ikkaku again.

"How many times I gotta tell ya, stop targeting my legs, Blondie!" Ikkaku stated angrily.

"Consider this payback for your foot's trespassing on my torso!" Kira kicked back with all his might, hoping to peg the bald man in the back of the knee.

"I have no idea what you just said!" Ikkaku argued, moving his legs to avoid injury.

Yumichika, who had learned earlier to stand clear of Kira's breezes, leaned over from his position on the other side of Hisagi. "Ikkaku," he said in hushed tones, "remember that we're trying to sneak in. Do keep quiet, okay? Thank you."

Renji, unlike Kira, was beyond drunk and had absolutely no coherent thought processes whatsoever. Apparently in Renji's case, the shutdown of rational thinking led to incomprehensible prattling and an inability to follow orders. Simply put, he was acting like a crazed parrot on sugar pills.

"'Sagi has a fishy tail," Renji muttered, awestruck. He reached out to grab the hallucination.

Hisagi jumped in the air, stifling a yelp. He turned his head to Renji. "Dude! _My_ ass! Not yours!" He turned to the others. "Why am I the one carrying him again?"

"My uniform is not vomit-proof, and I'll have you know that it costs a lot of money to remove those stains," Yumichika sniffed, dusting off his sleeve.

Ikkaku nodded. "And I had to grab the blonde."

"You could've just let him walk," Hisagi reminded him.

"Yeah, Ikkaku," Kira chimed in.

Ikkaku swung his free arm back and elbowed Kira in the ribs. He looked at Hisagi, smirking. "C'mon now, what would be the fun in that?"

Kira rubbed his newly aching ribs. Fuming, he swung his leg backward with all his strength, slamming his heel into Ikkaku's calf.

"Ow!" the bald man yelled. "Knock it off, Kira!"

"Quit hitting me and I'll stop!" Kira yelled back. "Or you could just put me down! Ever think of that?"

"Forget it! OW!" Fed up with the resistance, Ikkaku made sure he had a hold of the blonde's back collar. With a swift upward motion of his arm, Kira flew up a couple inches and then fell back down just as quickly.

Kira shoved his hands in his armpits. "AH! Don't do that again! That was the pits, and mine agree!"

Ikkaku looked over his shoulder. "Try anything else and you get another, Dagger Bangs!"

"'f 'is hair's so sharppp, does it make shtuff heavy too?" Renji drawled.

Yumichika waved his hands at the feuding hair-hapless shinigami in a sad attempt to calm them. "Need I remind you again that we are sneaking into the building?" he whispered. "Keep your voices down or we'll get caught."

"I'll be quiet when he behaves!" Ikkaku replied, no volume change whatsoever.

"Unless you put me down, that's not going to happen," Kira warned him. Changing tactics, he balled his hands into fists, thumbs outstretched, and thrust them back into Ikkaku's sides. "Kidney shot!"

"Dude, that's not funny!" Ikkaku screeched, twitching. "I gotta take a leak!"

"How's it feel? Huh? Huh?" Kira said angrily, jabbing Ikkaku's sides one at a time.

Ikkaku abandoned the others and ran for a nearby tree. "Gotta go!"

Realizing what the bald man was about to do, Kira panicked. "Okay, you can really let me go now! Come on, Ikkaku! Drop me before your pants, I beg you!"

"No way! You brought this on yourself, Blondie."

"AAAH!!! Put me down!!!" Kira thrashed around, struggling to free himself.

"Halt! Stay right where you are and put Lieutenant Kira down!" A night guard shined a light on the duo.

Ikkaku cursed. "So close to the tree, too."

Hisagi sighed. "Great, they got us all caught." He took a step forward.

Yumi pulled him back, shushing him. "The guard hasn't noticed us yet. As long as we stay here, we won't be in the light and we'll be safe."

"So what, you just want to leave them then?" Hisagi whispered.

"I prefer the phrase 'omitting party members,'" Yumi responded. "They're the geniuses who got caught, not us."

"Guys, we're caught. What now?" Ikkaku asked as he appeared before them, Kira in tow.

Hisagi gave Yumi a level stare. "Care to rephrase that?"

"You idiot!" Yumichika exclaimed. "Why did you bring our presence to the guard's attention? He didn't know we were here!"

Ikkaku was dumbfounded. "We brought gifts?" Yumi sighed.

Hisagi glared at the bald man. "The guard told you not to move, dumbass. Now he's going to come after us. Way to go. Your bladder just ruined our plan."

"Wait, he's one of yours, right Kira?" Yumi asked. "Then why did he stop you?"

Kira hung his head. "New guy. First night on guard duty. He barely recognizes me, so I highly doubt he'll know who any of you are."

"Judging from the kidou coming our way," Hisagi said, eyes widening, "I'd say that's a no. Run!"

The three mobile shinigami jumped out of the way right before a White Lightning blast scorched the ground where they had been. A stray jolt zipped through the group, grazing Renji's head in the process. His hair band snapped, sending his crimson locks right into his face.

Renji looked at all the red in his sight. Shocked, he grabbed the sides of his head. "'M bleedin'!"

Hisagi tried to calm the redhead down as they fled into the forest surrounding the barracks. The woods were thick enough that they could easily lose the guard but still open enough that they could see where they were in relation to the barracks.

They flash stepped around to the trees by the side of the building. Yumichika looked over his shoulder. "What luck! He's not following us!"

The group stopped in a small clearing hidden from view of the building.

Ikkaku looked back at Kira. "That moron. He shoulda followed us so he could catch us. What kind of pansies are you raisin' in the third?"

Kira responded with a couple jabs to Ikkaku's sides.

"Dude, knock it off, I still gotta go!" Ikkaku demanded, fighting the urge to cross his legs.

Hisagi grabbed the others' attention, urgency in his eyes. "We've got to talk some sense into the guard before he-"

"Squad three! Intruder alert! Everybody, wake up!"

"-alerts the others." Hisagi hung his head.

Ikkaku smirked, raising a fist. "We could always just smack some sense into him."

"Hey," Kira ordered, "be nice to my subordinate. He may be acting wrongly, but he's still under my care. If you want to hurt him, you'll have to get through me."

Ikkaku sneered. "What are you gonna do, wiggle at us?"

Kira jabbed him in the sides again.

"Okay, okay! I won't attack him! Just stop poking me or I'm gonna go right here!" Ikkaku bounced a little, a different look of urgency on his face.

"I'll go lef'!" Renji announced from his spot on Hisagi's shoulder. He tried to throw a hand into the air for emphasis, but he let it drop too soon, and his limp arm inadvertently smacked Hisagi's rear.

"Renji!" Hisagi yelped. "I told you before, that's _my_ ass! I don't appreciate the spanking!"

Yumichika grinned. "Sounds kinky." He and Kira giggled.

"Found you!" The naïve guard appeared between the trees on the edges of the small clearing. "Don't move or I'll be forced to act." He put a hand on the hilt of his sword.

Hisagi took a small step back. "Nice thought. Thing is, I really don't like that action right there." He pointed to the sword. "It usually means some sort of injury or death, and I'm really not looking for either of those tonight. Are you, guys?"

Ikkaku, Kira and Yumichika shook their heads; Renji shook his butt. Ikkaku opened his mouth to say something, but Yumichika clapped a hand over it, allowing Hisagi to work his magic.

"That's what I thought. So you see, to prevent bodily harm, that action right there is forcing us to move." Hisagi pivoted and jumped into a flash step. "Book it, guys!"

Ikkaku frowned. "Hisagi, you know I can't read well!" An exasperated Yumi pulled him into a flash step.

The group sped around the third's barracks once again, this time with the guard on their trail.

"Kira," Yumichika declared, "you need to train your new members longer, or at least introduce them to the other high ranking members of the Gotei."

The blonde nodded. "I'll remember that next time."

Another shot of White Lightning flew past them, a little too close for comfort.

"Okay, this can't go on," Hisagi stated. "How are we going to stop him?"

"Well, Kira is his commanding officer," Yumi pondered. "He could always just order him to stop chasing us."

Ikkaku scoffed. "Are you crazy? That'll never work. He's not bossy enough."

"Hey, it's worth a shot," Hisagi said, stopping in another small clearing. The others followed suit.

"I'll show you, Ikkaku," Kira huffed. He waited until the pursuer was in earshot. "You there, guard! Don't worry about me, go back to your post!"

"But sir-"

"Your job is to protect the Seireitei and the third from attack, which is why you need to go back to your post. I'm just one shinigami. Besides, I'll be fine, I'm with friends." He gave the man what he hoped was a small reassuring smile.

The guard wasn't convinced. "Then why is the bald one carrying you?"

Kira thought for a moment. "Good point."

Ikkaku erupted. "I'm not bald, I'm clean shaven!" Growling, he reached for his zanpakutou. Yumichika grabbed his arm to prevent him from drawing it, but the guard noticed Ikkaku's reaction.

"Clearly this man and his vile cohorts are hostile and a threat to the Seireitei. I cannot allow them to keep you hostage, sir!" The guard drew his zanpakutou.

Yumichika was incredulous. "Vile? Me? Surely you're joking! Those other barbarians, yes, but me?"

"Thanks for the boost in esteem, Yumi," Hisagi said sarcastically, giving him a level stare.

Renji swung his arms around, grunting. "Some'un stole m' loincloth! Ren shmash soon's I fine m' shiny club."

Hisagi ignored the redhead and backed up slowly. "Well now, that didn't go as planned. Let's work on a Plan B." Hisagi stuck out his free arm. "Bakudou number nine, Strike!" A beam of red light surrounded the guard, preventing him from moving. "That should hold him for a little bit. Let's go!"

For the third time, they flash stepped around the barracks, making it a point to stop on the side opposite of the guard's location.

"Hey Izuru, there's an entrance over here, right?" Hisagi asked.

Kira nodded. "Each of the sides of the barracks has a door, but some are used more than others. This one isn't used as much, so it isn't as heavily guarded."

"Okay. Just making sure yours was the same as ours."

Ikkaku danced nervously. "There's a bathroom in there too, right?"

Kira rolled his eyes. "No, we got rid of it because we knew you would need to use it someday. Of course, there is."

Ikkaku breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm holding you to that, Blondie. If you're wrong about that like you were about ordering the guard-"

Kira jabbed him in the sides again.

Ikkaku jumped and danced more. "What the hell?!"

The blonde looked over his shoulder. "Tell you what, Chrome Cranium. I'll stop jabbing you if you don't mention the order catastrophe again. Deal?"

Ikkaku nodded vigorously. "Deal! Now where's that bathroom?"

Yumichika put a hand on his shoulder. "Hold it, Ikkaku. We still need to figure out how to get in there."

"That should be easy enough," Hisagi stated after a moment's thought. "Let's just go." He walked out into the clearing, making sure the rogue guard was nowhere in sight. The others followed, confused.

The group walked up the small set of stairs to the barracks' entryway. As they breezed through the door, one of the guards nodded an acknowledgement to the group. Hisagi smiled and put up his hand in greeting.

"Nice to know my squad is alert despite the unneeded wakeup call," Kira noted from his "backseat" position as they strolled through the halls. He saw a passing guard yawn. "Well, except him. I'll have to talk to him later."

"Th' guards look scrumpchious," Renji drooled. (1)

"Why haven't the other guards stopped us?" Ikkaku asked.

"Simple," Hisagi answered. "The new guy is the only one that hasn't met us yet. All of the other guards know who we are, so we get automatic access."

"Speaking of access, where's that bathroom?"

Kira pointed down a hall to the left of them. "Down that hall, sixth door on the right."

Ikkaku started running down the hallway, Kira still in tow. "Ikkaku Madarame, you'd better put me down before you go in that restroom, or you won't have anything to go in there for!"

"What, you're gonna make me pee in the hall?"

"No! You'll soon be missing a certain piece of anatomy if you don't let go of me!"

Before rushing into the bathroom, Ikkaku lobbed Kira towards the others. The blonde flew several feet before hitting the floor with his bangs, bouncing off, and hitting it again, skidding on his face with a horrible squeak. He slid to a halt, nose imbedded in the floor, butt pointing straight up, arms sticking out behind him.

Hisagi offered a hand as Kira removed his face from the floor. He rubbed the area under his eyes. "That hurt…" He took Hisagi's hand up gratefully and leaned against a wall. "If he's not a threat to the Seireitei, then Ikkaku is definitely a threat to my health. A foot to the chest, elbow to the ribs, bruised armpits, and now this? He gave me more injuries than I earned by myself, and I didn't even fight him."

"Just don't say that in front of him," Yumichika interjected. "If he overhears that you got injured by him without fighting, he'll fight you just to break the injury record. It's what many a good eleventh squad member would do. Don't worry though, Izuru," he said, wrapping an arm around the blonde, "I won't say a word, nor will I attack you myself. I'm above such actions, and my silence will prevent the lower being's assault as well. You are surely safe with me." He winked.

Kira blinked. "Uhh, thank you?"

Ikkaku emerged from the bathroom. "So who squeezed a cat while I was in there?"

"What?"

"Somebody must've flattened a cat or something because I heard an awful screech while I was taking care of things. At first I thought it was me, but there wasn't enough pressure. That, and I've never made a noise that high pitched in my life."

Kira marched up to him angrily. He pointed to his face. "I'm your dying cat. After you threw me, I landed on my face and skidded across the floor, making your screech. Oh, and by the way, it hurt." He crossed his arms indignantly.

Ikkaku examined him. "Well, at least your hair got polished, Squeaky Cheeks."

"It's not going to make much difference if I'm being forced into a shower!" Kira snapped. "Any 'polish' will wash right off!"

"Easy, Izuru," Hisagi mediated, pulling Kira away from the bald instigator. The blonde took a deep, relaxing breath and, resigning himself to the inevitable shower plan, led the other shinigami to his chambers.

Kira's room was a simple one. A pallet with a blanket rested on the floor near the left wall. On the other side of the room was a small wooden dresser with an unlit candle sitting on top of it. A miniature desk occupied the back wall, a small stack of blank paper and a brush lying on top, waiting to be used. Several poetry achievement awards decorated the wall above the desk. In the back left corner of the room was a door leading to a small private bathroom, bathtub included.

Hisagi dropped the loopy Renji in the back corner where he couldn't touch anything, then walked up to examine the awards. "Wow, you're getting pretty good at poetry, huh Kira? 'Best Haiku,' 'Best Story in Five Words,' 'Best…'" Hisagi did a double take. He looked at the blonde expectantly. "'Best Impromptu Recipe for Pie'?"

Kira blushed slightly. "We tend to get a little bored when we're not on duty, so one night we decided to have a squad-wide bake-off. Apparently my skills don't just lie in writing. Who knew?" He shrugged and walked over to his pallet. He lifted one of the floorboards next to it and grabbed a bottle of sake. He offered it to Shuuhei. "Want some?"

Hisagi was flabbergasted. "Where-? What-?"

"The Third sits next to a hot springs spa," Kira explained. "One of the hot water veins runs underneath my room, so I decided the space under my floorboards would be a good warm place to store sake. I have a pot of coffee in here too, if you want it."

"Uhh, no thanks," Hisagi said, waving a hand. "I've had enough coffee for the night."

Kira shrugged again. "Suit yourself. Just remember where this spot is. I'm probably going to need a good drink later, and with the crazy ideas Yumi can concoct, I might need help getting to it."

"Hey, gentlemen, have you forgotten why we're here? Why, to help Kira, of course! At least Ikkaku remembered, _unlike the person we're helping_." Yumichika called from the bathroom. His volume dropped. "Why does he have _this_? No one uses this anymore. Hair growth formula? What does he need that for? Here, Ikkaku, take this one. And why does he need three of these? They don't even work! All of this must go!"

One by one, bottles of liquid shot out of the bathroom, hitting a zoned-out Renji in the head. His world came back into focus as another bottle ricocheted off the wall behind him and hit the back of his head, sending his still-free hair into his face again. "'M bleedin' 'gain! Dis rain hurrs!" He grabbed the sides of his head again, but not before taking one of the bottles and throwing it back into the bathroom, hitting an unsuspecting Ikkaku in the head.

"Ow, you moron! Watch it!" Ikkaku yelled, already miffed because of Yumichika's gift to him.

"Now, now, Ikkaku, be nice," Yumichika chided, sorting through more of Kira's hair care products. "You know that the sake has gone to his head. Why I'd bet that if you pricked his finger, pure alcohol would come out. You can't expect him to understand right from wrong when he's this drunk. He probably doesn't even know who he threw the bottle at."

"Die, ya ugly feaddered cloud! Take yer harr rain an' nassy colors som'ere eltse!" Renji threw another bottle into the bathroom, this time connecting with the side of Yumichika's head.

Yumichika turned a violent shade of red and his feathers nearly caught on fire. "You did NOT just call me ugly, you drunk buffoon! You wouldn't know beauty if you were sent through Sarah Tay training!" (2)

"Take it easy, Yumi," Hisagi stated, walking into the bathroom. "Not many of the Sarah Tay consultants know beauty, either. You're the best one they have."

Yumi paused. "Well, when you put it that way…"

Kira bent down to look at the bottles Yumichika sorted through. "Hey, my hair gel! Why are you throwing it out?"

Yumichika gave him a droll stare. "Because, if we're going to change your hair so it doesn't interfere, then we might as well start from scratch. I'll get you all the best supplies from Sarah Tay, courtesy of Hisagi's tab, of course."

"Hey!"

"Now," Yumi said, getting up and pulling the blonde into the bathroom, "strip down and get in. I'll help you get your hair unstiffened."

Kira pulled his arm away. "Are you nuts? If you think I'm letting you into my shower, you're sadly mistaken. It's bad enough that you're in my bathroom going through my belongings!"

Yumichika sniffed. "Well then, maybe you don't need our help after all. I'll just gather this garbage and go. Come along, Ikkaku." He left the bathroom and began picking up the bottles.

"What are you doing?" Kira asked nervously.

"Now that I have the garbage, I might as well grab these unneeded bottles while I'm at it."

"Hey!" Ikkaku protested. "I am not a food reject!"

Kira scurried over to the feathered man, pleading. "Okay, okay, I'll let you guys help me. Just don't take my hair gel!"

Yumichika sighed. "Alright, I suppose I can live with that."

Kira gleefully took his hair products back and put them on their respective shelves in the bathroom.

"You still need to shower though," Yumichika reminded him.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Kira relented. "But, I'll do it without the audience, thank you!"

Yumi's gaze narrowed. "Don't make me break my silence from earlier! I'm not afraid to blackmail you!"

Hisagi groaned. "I'm done. You two can fight all you want. I know when I'm not needed. I'm going to go join Renji in the corner." He walked over to the redhead and sat down next to him.

Renji pulled on Hisagi's hair and tried eating it. "Lickorishh…"

Hisagi sighed. _I'm going to regret this…_

"Listen, Yumi," Kira explained, "I'm only trying to protect you guys."

Ikkaku pounded his chest. "We're eleventh squad! We don't need protection!"

"'Ats no' wha' da gals say!" Renji yelled from his corner.

As Yumichika raised an eyebrow, Kira continued. "The humidity would be death for both of you. Ikkaku's head would swell from so much water intake that he would eventually become a water feature. And your feathers, they wouldn't last three minutes. They would melt right off."

Yumi gasped. "A-Alright, I'll leave you to your humidity then. If you need help unstiffening your hair, come out and find me. I'll be in the other room where the evil humidity can't get me." He grabbed a very confused Ikkaku by the arm and dragged him out into the main room, allowing Kira to celebrate as he closed the door and undressed.

"Really, how long does it take a man to shower?" Yumichika whined impatiently, pacing the length of the room.

"Yumi, he's only been in there a couple minutes," Hisagi stated, fending off Renji, who was trying to lick the side of his face like a lollipop. "Would you guys mind getting him off me?" he said, exasperated.

"No, I wouldn't," Ikkaku said. "I also wouldn't mind another cup of sake, but I can't exactly have that, now can I?"

Hisagi grinned. "If you get Renji off me, I can get you sake…"

Ikkaku walked over to the corner, grabbed Renji's collar and picked him up like he did to Kira before. He motioned for Hisagi to get the sake with his other hand.

Hisagi picked up the floorboards and grabbed the bottle of sake. He set the boards down again and gave the bottle to the third seat, who promptly dropped Renji back in the corner. Unfortunately for Ikkaku, Renji didn't miss what he had in his hand. "Sakeeeee!!!" Motivated, the redhead leaped for the bottle. Ikkaku flung his arm out of the way just in time.

Yumichika sighed, settling in another corner. "Oh, great, here we go again."

The trio bumped and jumped around the room, Ikkaku running from the rampant Renji and Hisagi chasing him. Hisagi finally succeeded in pinning Renji to the ground by offering his "licorice" hair as a diversion and tackling him, sitting on his back with his hands holding Renji's arms above his head. Renji's legs were free, but considering he could barely move them to begin with, Hisagi wasn't concerned.

Ikkaku was just about to pour a cup and torment Renji with it when the bathroom door opened.

* * *

(1) This is a joke that my mom and I had. She tried to type in 'surreptitiously' and spell check gave her 'scrumptious' as a first choice. It didn't fit in context at all, so needless to say, there were lots of laughs.

(2) This is the first of (most likely) many shameless plugs to occur throughout the story. This particular plug is for Barbellenel's story, Sarah Tay at the Seireitei.


	3. Things Get Steamy

Hello again! I bring you another chapter, and believe it or not, this one is longer than the last one. Seems to be a trend, eh?

A quick thank you to my beta Barbellenel, Vivienne Grainger and RubyGirl12345 for reviewing, and everyone who reads this story. Thank you all for your support! :D

Reviews are welcome, but if you criticize, please be nice. I don't take well to flames, pretty though they are.

**Disclaimer:** It pains me to say that I do not own Bleach or its characters, but I do own the idea for this story, the drunken Renji phrases and Yumi's... fetish. :)

* * *

Things Get Steamy

As the bathroom door opened, thick steam billowed out and surrounded the surprised shinigami. The four in the other room didn't dare move for fear of stepping on someone, or in Hisagi's case, sitting on Renji more.

A voice could be heard through the steam. "I really wish I had some windows in here. Sorry about this, guys."

"You'd better be sorry, Izuru!" Yumichika snapped, trying to save his precious feathers from the steam by swatting at it with his hands. "If my feathers melt off because of your shower gases, so help me, I'll shave your head!"

"Yumi, that was a fib to keep you out of my bathroom," Kira sighed from the shadows. "Your feathers won't melt. They'll be a little damp, but otherwise fine."

Outraged, Yumichika shrieked, "Of all the dirty, underhanded schemes! If I could see the way to the bathroom, I'd strangle you with your own towel!"

Ikkaku grinned. "Nice one, Blondie! Your creepy captain would be proud."

Kira scowled in what he hoped was Ikkaku's general direction. "Don't insult Captain Ichimaru, you bonehead. We're in the third, remember? He could be walking by here right now and hear you." He took a couple steps forward into the fog.

"OW!!!" Hisagi screamed. "Kira! You're on my ankle!!!"

Kira jumped backward. "Sorry, Shuuhei!"

"LLLLoud noisesh!!!" Renji yelled.

Kira jumped again. "I didn't step on him too, did I?"

"No, I think he's yelling just to yell."

Ikkaku, a believer of the "if you can't see, yell" policy, shouted into the steam. "Why isn't it clearing up?"

Kira cringed at the volume and spoke calmly from the shadows. "Keep your voice down, genius. It is night, after all."

"Innndoor voicesh!" Renji hollered.

Hisagi looked at what he believed was Ikkaku's figure. "We're in the middle of the barracks, so there aren't any windows for the steam to escape."

"Someone open the door. That should do it," Kira stated.

Hisagi turned his head. "Yumi, you're the closest to the door."

"Oh sure, make Yumichika do it," the fifth seat muttered, crawling his way along the wall in search of the door while swatting at the steam. "He's not doing anything important, like saving his feathers from water damage and mold. Not at all."

Reaching the door frame, Yumichika sat up and pushed the door open swiftly. The sudden pressure difference quickly sucked all of the steam out of the room and sent it into the hallway just as fast. It blasted the wall opposite the door, smothering two of Kira's subordinates in the process. As it cleared, the two squad members turned towards Kira's room to see the source of their steam bath but soon decided against it, making a hasty retreat to hide their laughter.

"Did they see something funny?" the four shinigami heard Kira ask behind them.

They each turned to look at their friend and had to hold back their amusement. Kira had scrubbed all of the hair gel out and it was obvious. His face was entirely obscured by his hair, which was partially hanging and partially plastered to his cheeks from the humidity. Drops of water journeyed down the rest of his stick-straight hair before running down his back. He twitched at the sensation, glad that he had refrained from putting his uniform top back on but even more glad that he had put on pants. Dropping the upper half of his uniform, he dried off his back, all the while wondering why his friends hadn't answered him yet.

Meanwhile, the others were trying their hardest to suppress their laughter. All previous hostility forgotten, an amused Yumichika snapped his eyes shut, smile creeping up his face as he tried to erase the mental image. Renji noticed the difference too, and in his drunken state had no inhibitions, so he was laughing hysterically, flailing his legs randomly. Luckily Ikkaku had clapped a hand over the redhead's mouth just in time. He also covered Hisagi's mouth, since the dark-haired man couldn't do so or the giggling drunk would get loose. Ikkaku himself had somehow managed in his awkward position to rest his forehead on the floor, eyes closed to try and hold back the merriment. The only thing he couldn't hold back was his mouth.

"I'm surprised they didn't scream," the bald man snickered, sending Hisagi, Yumichika and himself over the edge, all three giving in to fits of laughter as Renji had.

Kira tried looking at the others but his hair rendered him basically blind. "What? What's so funny?" he asked, completely oblivious.

The four laughed harder at the innocent question.

"Really, guys," Kira pressed, raising an unseen eyebrow, "What are you all laughing at?"

Hisagi tried to calm himself down enough to respond. "Y… Y… Y-Your… h… h-hair…"

Kira grabbed some of the hair obscuring his face. "You mean this, right? My hair always looks like this after I shower."

Yumichika held his stomach. "Now I know why you use all of those hair products!"

"No wonder the guards ran away! You look like a sheepdog!" Ikkaku blurted out, resulting in another bout of laughter.

Kira turned his head toward Ikkaku's voice. "Guards? What do you mean?"

"A… A couple of your… s-subordinates went past… as the d-door opened," Hisagi gasped, trying to regulate his breathing again.

"Oh, my sides!" Yumichika winced under the laughter. "They saw your monstrous wet mop of hair and ran-"

"-laughing their asses off!" Ikkaku finished, rolling onto his side. "The looks on their faces!"

Kira sighed. "I imagine I'll hear this buzzing around the Third tomorrow. I usually keep my door shut when I shower."

Yumichika raised an eyebrow, finally calm. "But what about all the steam? Surely you wouldn't leave the door closed afterwards. It's the only way to clear out all of those evil feather-ruining vapors."

Hisagi turned toward Yumi. "Exaggerate much?"

"You're right Yumi, but I don't need to see my room." Kira carefully made his way to the door and shut it again.

Hisagi gaped. "Impressive."

"I do fine without vision. I've memorized where everything in my room is so that I don't step on anything. You guys, however, don't know my room so I thought it would be best if you could see your way around. Just try not to move too much. I don't know where all of you are but I assume from the lack of yelping that I didn't step on anyone this time."

Ikkaku propped himself up on his elbow. "You know what happens when you assume. It makes an ass out of Yumi."

Yumichika crossed his arms indignantly. "It does not. You said it wrong, genius. The correct way is 'it makes an ass out of you, not me.'" The fifth seat pointed to Ikkaku.

"Actually, you're both wrong," Hisagi interjected. "The phrase is 'it makes an ass out of you and me.'"

Yumichika scoffed. "That can't be right! Who in their right mind would lump themselves in with someone who considers him- or herself an ass? Not me, that's for certain!"

Renji opened one of his captured hands as if he were raising it. "Pickh meh! Pickh meh!"

Kira groaned and leaned against the door. "Can we get back on topic here? What are we going to do about my hair?" He looked down at the fifth seat. "Yumi? Any ideas?"

Yumichika turned his head away, grudge returning. "Oh, _now_ you want my help."

"Come on! I'm a grown man. I don't need another man helping me shower!"

Hisagi cleared his throat. "Okay, we've already been down this road once tonight. The shower is done, so let's move on, okay?"

"Alright, fine," Yumi relented. "But you owe me!" He poked Kira's chest.

"Ah! Stop, I'm ticklish!"

"As retribution, you will allow me to give you a hairstyle of my own creation. You will wear it and you will like it!" Yumichika poked him a couple more times for emphasis.

Kira squirmed, trying to escape the poking. "Alright! I'll do it! Just call off your finger!"

Yumichika brightened immediately, clapping his hands together. "Wonderful! Now let's get started, shall we?" He narrowed his eyes at Kira momentarily, poking him in the side. "That's the consequence for requesting your safety blanket of hair products back."

"GEH!"

Hisagi looked over at Ikkaku. "Can you put the sake away so I can get up? Until he sobers, he'll leap at anything alcoholic."

"Fine," the bald man grumbled, scooting over to the special spot and putting the bottle back under the floorboards. "I didn't even get a drink…"

"Too muj dwink'll make ya twinkle like a zeberrr," Renji grumbled, waving a finger at the spot where Ikkaku had just sat.

"Sure. Whatever you say, Drunk Dynamo," Hisagi chuckled, getting off of the redhead, picking him up off the floor and setting him in the corner again. He pointed a finger at Renji. "Stay."

Renji moved his arm to attempt a salute but brought his arm in too fast and successfully karate chopped his face, knocking himself out.

Hisagi shook his head and hoped the man sobered soon as he joined the other three in the middle of the room. Kira sat on the floor in between Ikkaku and Yumi, who were facing him and contemplating ideas. Hisagi sat down in the circle, effectively trapping Kira in the middle.

Yumichika clapped again. "Gentlemen, and Ikkaku, our first order of business is to comb the beast on Kira's head. If we comb it out, then it will be easier to see what we can do with it." He quickly got up and flitted into the bathroom, returning a second later with a comb and sitting back down. "Wow, Izuru. For having so many hair products, I would think you would have more than one comb."

"I'm the only one living in here. Why would I need more than one?"

Yumichika dismissed him, waving a hand. "It's okay, no need to fret. I have extras." He pulled three combs out of his sleeve. "Everyone take a comb."

Hisagi's eyes bugged. "Why do you have all of those?"

Yumi shook his head disapprovingly. "Shuuhei, you should know better. Any good Sarah Tay consultant always carries hair and skin care products and accessories (1). If you meet a potential client, a consultant must always look his best. Plus, it's nice to be prepared in case of unexpected breezes. I keep my favorite comb in my other sleeve. Her name is Sadie and she has a special case that she sleeps in."

Ikkaku gaped. "I thought your girlfriend was named Sadie!"

"She is," Yumichika replied, raising his arm and nuzzling his sleeve, "and she's the most beautiful being in the world, aren't you dear?"

Hisagi was dumbfounded. "That's the weirdest romance I've ever seen…"

Kira turned his head toward Hisagi's voice. "I'm glad I can't see it."

"I have to go now, darling. I'll come see you later," Yumichika cooed, kissing his sleeve and lowering his arm. He looked at the others. "She doesn't like leaving without a kiss."

"Later, Sadie," Ikkaku waved. Hisagi and Kira gave him weird looks, though only Hisagi's was visible. Ikkaku crossed his arms. "What? Yumi's told me stories. She sounds fun to be around."

Hisagi looked at Kira. "What kind of weirdos are they raising in the eleventh?"

"Now, back to business," Yumichika announced. "Everyone take a comb."

They all did as instructed. Kira reached for his comb but the fifth seat slapped his hand away.

"You don't need one, Izuru. We'll handle this. Besides, you'll probably just comb it into the same position again."

Kira slouched and exhaled sharply, sending a small portion of his damp hair flying momentarily.

Yumi raised a comb in the air. "Alright fellows, commence combing!"

The three shinigami scooted closer to the blonde and set to their task. Yumichika was thoroughly enjoying himself, imagining that he owned his own hair salon and that Kira was a client. He took great care to assure that Kira was being well serviced.

Hisagi was working a lot slower than Yumichika was since he had very little experience working with hair. He was as gentle as possible, since he didn't want to hurt his friend.

Ikkaku also had no experience with hair, especially since he had none of his own. Unfortunately for Kira, he approached the knots like he did an opponent – harshly.

"Ow ow ow ow ow! You're going to rip my hair off!"

Ikkaku yanked harder on the knot. "Why. Won't. It. Come. Out!"

Hisagi held back a chuckle at Ikkaku's expense.

Yumichika reached over and grabbed the bald man's arm. "Stop. You have to be gentle with it. I know it's a stretch for you but that's the only way it will come out easily."

Hisagi laughed behind his comb-free hand, trying not to jerk the comb through the knots.

Ikkaku raised an eyebrow. "Gentle? There's no such thing as gentle."

Yumi slowly took Ikkaku's comb from him. "I'm revoking your combing privileges." He put the comb back in his sleeve, much to Kira's relief, and continued to work on the blonde's hair.

"So what am I supposed to do then?" Ikkaku grumped.

The fifth seat thought a moment. "Hold him down if he starts to struggle."

Hearing only the first three words, Ikkaku happily jumped at the opportunity, grabbing both of Kira's arms in a vice-like grip.

"He said 'if,' moron!" Kira yelped at the pressure on his arms. He tried to shake Ikkaku off, but the bald man only tightened his grip more. Kira sighed. "Fine. If you're not going to let go, can you at least relax your hands a little? My arms are already sore from my shower. Lousy high pressure shower heads."

"High pressure? Was there a dying cat squeak?" Ikkaku asked excitedly.

Hisagi snorted. "The only thing dying in here is your brain."

Yumichika gave Kira a questioning look. "Why are you cursing shower heads?"

"The shower heads in the Third have very high water pressure, so if you're injured, like I am, taking a shower is torture," Kira replied. "I'm surprised you didn't hear me yelling in there. It hurt pretty badly."

Yumichika scoffed. "With these morons bumbling about, I would've been surprised if I had heard our Captain pick another fight with Yachiru."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, they were jumping and running around the room trying to keep Renji from some sake-"

"No," Kira interrupted, "I meant about the other thing."

"Oh. You should've specified. The Captain and Yachiru are very loud arguers, and they fight all the time, mainly because she likes to eat his taffy-scented bath soaps. She hiccups bubbles for several days after, and he reprimands her constantly because he often ends up eating bubbles with his oat bran."

Hisagi laughed. "Captain Zaraki has taffy-scented soap?"

Kira grinned under his hair. "No wonder Yachiru clings to him all the time. She thinks he's a walking lollipop."

Hisagi finished combing the last strand in his area and set the comb down. "I'm done over here, Yumi, so whenever you're ready to proceed…"

Yumichika sighed. "Oh darn, and I was just getting to the perm, too…"

Kira tensed. "WHAT?!"

Hisagi put a hand on Kira's shoulder. "Relax, he didn't mean literally. Yumi's in his own little world right now."

Eyes glazed, Yumi pulled away from Kira and turned to the side, mimicking stirring a bowl. "This magic perm solution will turn your brown curls into straight blue strands in no time…"

Kira turned to where Yumichika's voice was coming from, reaching out a hand as far as Ikkaku would allow and snapping his fingers. "Yumi. Yumi!"

Yumichika's reverie bubble instantly popped. "Huh?"

Hisagi smiled. "Glad to have you back in the Seireitei. We're ready for the next step when you are."

Yumi waved him off. "Oh, Shuuhei, I've been done. I've just been combing for the sake of combing. I don't think our subject minded, either."

"Nuh uh," Kira answered. Despite Ikkaku's hold on his arms, he was quite relaxed. Though it wasn't the manliest activity ever, having other people comb his hair was very calming.

"Alright, Kira," Yumichika announced, "now that the main combing is done, let's comb that hair back so Style Guru Yumichika can look at what he has to work with. Stay back, Hisagi. Your inexperience is a hazard to my mission."

Hisagi scooted back, rolling his eyes. "Whatever you say, Yumi."

Yumichika moved over so that he was directly in front of Kira. He placed the comb in the middle of his head and combed any strays backward. He then moved the comb to the front of Kira's head, slowly parting the long strands in the middle. With utmost care, he slid the comb under the hair and combed both portions up and back so that they were out of Kira's face.

"Behold," Yumi proclaimed, shifting back to his original position, "Izuru Kira's entire face!"

Ikkaku released his grip on Kira's arms and moved to his front as Hisagi scooted in again to get a better look.

Hisagi nodded. "Not a bad look for you, Izuru."

Ikkaku gaped. "Holy crap, there's actually another eye behind there!"

Hisagi pushed him over. "He's not a Cyclops, you know."

"Wow, it's so bright in here," Kira said, raising an arm over his forehead. "How do you guys stand it?"

"Well, we don't hide behind our hair, so we're used to it," Ikkaku taunted.

Hisagi raised an eyebrow at the bald man. "What hair, Ikkaku?"

"Shut up! I recently got it dyed invisible!"

Yumichika waved him off. "Let the man dream, Shuuhei." He turned to Kira, examining his face and complexion. "Well, there's good news and bad news."

"Uh oh," Kira sighed. "Alright, good news first."

"You have a very versatile face shape, which means practically any hair style will suit you."

"Okay, what's the bad news?"

"Well, I wouldn't exactly call it _bad _news, at least for me…"

"Just tell me!" Kira blurted out impatiently.

Yumichika leaned in closer, leaving only a hair's width separating their noses. He smiled a schemer's smile. "The only way to find the right style for you is trial and error, which means…"

Kira gasped in horror. "No!"

Yumichika's smile deepened to an almost evil level. "Yes. Style Guru Yumichika is now your personal hair stylist, and whatever he says goes!"

Kira's eye twitched. _No way! This can't be happening! I'll never be free from his clutches! If I thought the shower thing was bad, I can only imagine what he has in store for me now... Why is my head so light all of a sudden? Oh no, I think I'm going to…­_

With a slight head wobble, Kira's eyes rolled back into his head and the blonde fainted, falling over onto his side.

Yumi blinked. "Well, I certainly wasn't expecting THAT reaction."

Hisagi gave him a level stare. "Maybe if you hadn't brought out your evil grin…"

"He's right, dude," Ikkaku added with a shudder. "That look creeps even me out."

"I guess he just couldn't handle the excitement of having me style his hair," Yumichika stated, shrugging. "Ah well, it's in the past now. This works to my advantage, anyway. Shuuhei, Ikkaku, if you two would pick him up and keep him upright, I'll get to work right away. Better to start now before his hair dries."

With nothing better to do than agree with the feathered man, Hisagi and Ikkaku lifted the unconscious Kira into a semi-seated position. Each man took an arm and held him upright.

Yumi moved forward again to begin his project and paused. "I can't work with his head rolling every which way. Is there some sort of rope we can use to pull his head up?"

Ikkaku looked around and grinned when his attention focused on a particular corner. He turned back to Hisagi. "Hold him for a minute, I got an idea."

"Prepare for failure in three, two, one…" Hisagi muttered under his breath.

The third seat jumped over to the corner where Renji lay, still passed out from drunkenly hitting himself in the face. Even though the redhead's hair tie had snapped during their escape from the rogue guard, the white bandana that often adorned Renji's head had remained in place. Ikkaku lifted it off of him and returned to the circle, trying in vain to untie the knot.

"This thing must be glued together!" Ikkaku growled as he wrestled with the fabric.

"Knot, one. Ikkaku, nothing," Hisagi tallied. "Oh, make that two, three, four…"

"Shut up! I've almost got it!"

"Oh, give me that!" Yumichika snapped, yanking the bandana from Ikkaku's grasp. He lightly tugged on the end of the knot and it quickly unraveled, to Ikkaku's dismay.

Ikkaku paled. "I knew to do that."

"Sure."

Ikkaku held out his hand. "Give it back. I know what to do with it."

Yumi handed it over skeptically.

Twisting the ends of the bandana as if he were about to flick a towel, Ikkaku placed the middle of the bandana in Kira's mouth, pulling it tight and forcing Kira's head to rise. He brought his hand back and down a little bit, bringing the blonde's head to the perfect level for Yumichika to work.

Yumichika was impressed. "Wow, Ikkaku. Good thinking. This might actually work."

"A harebrained scheme by a hairless twit," Hisagi stated with a smirk. He shifted Kira over so that Ikkaku could grab a hold of his arm again.

Yumichika nodded in understanding. "So that's where his hair went! It all receded into his brain! Makes sense. I always thought Ikkaku's thinking was a little fuzzy."

Just as Ikkaku had gotten a firm grip on the arm, Kira's head rolled backwards, coming to rest on Ikkaku's fist. The third seat shoved Kira's head forward and pulled back on the bandana, bringing his head to rest in position again.

"Dude!" Hisagi warned. "Be gentle with him! We want to hold him up, not take him down."

Ikkaku frowned. "I already said, there's no such thing as gentle."

Hisagi's eyes narrowed. "Fine then. Just behave."

"Damn, you take the fun out of everything."

"Alright, I know exactly what I'm going to do," Yumichika announced. He got up and skipped into the bathroom, emerging a minute later with a curling iron. "I'm so glad he had one. Otherwise I would've had to bring out Charmaine, and she doesn't know about Sadie."

Ikkaku gasped. "You cheater!"

"Shh, not too loud! Sadie's right next door to Charmaine and it would be a disaster if the two ever met." Yumichika pointed to both of his sleeves in succession.

Hisagi sighed and covered his face with his free hand.

"Now, let's begin." Yumichika held the iron out. "Shuuhei, would you mind heating it?"

Using low level kidou, Hisagi heated the iron to a high enough temperature that would curl the hair but not burn it while still damp. Thanking him, Yumichika turned to Kira's hair. He took a small portion of it and curled it up from tip to top.

"Hold this for a sec, Shuuhei," Yumi said, quickly rummaging through a sleeve and pulling out a can of hair spray.

Hisagi gave him a questioning look as he relinquished the iron. "You're using your own hair spray?"

"Helena deserves it," Yumichika said stiffly. "She cheated on me with a fellow squad member's lighter. Fiery relationship, that was." He glowered at the can as he sprayed the hair around the iron, pulling the tool out to show a strong blonde curl.

Ikkaku glared at him. "And you deserve it too, for betraying Sadie like that!"

"I've made my choice and stuck by Sadie!" Yumichika snapped. "Charmaine is a summer fling. During the year, she runs off with my toaster."

Ikkaku's face dropped. "Sorry, bud. Didn't know."

Yumi focused on the next piece of hair. "It's alright. Gregor has it coming to him, too. I still have a bone to pick with him over my burnt English muffin."

Hisagi hid his face in his hand again. _Why did I even ask?_

Yumichika curled and sprayed his way around Kira's head until the blonde was covered in tight curls. He scooted back to examine his work. "Hmm, not bad, but it needs more… poof."

"Seriously?" Ikkaku groaned. "My arm's getting tired. His head's heavy! It's like holding up a watermelon with one finger."

Hisagi leveled his gaze at the bald man, pointing to Kira's head. "Imagine if that melon were still covered in hair gel. Your hand would've been numb in five minutes."

"Puzzling," Yumichika stated, touching a finger to his lips. "Unless I stretch out the curls, there's no possible way I can get the height that I want. How troublesome!"

Hisagi's eyes widened. "I know of something else troublesome, and he's waking up!"

Movement from the abandoned corner grabbed their attention as Renji stirred.

"Dammit, what are we gonna do?" Ikkaku wailed. "We can't stop him while we're supporting Curly here, and Yumi's too busy playin' hairdresser!"

"Maybe if I put toothpicks in it…"

Hisagi nodded nervously. "Plus, Yumi would kill us if we dropped Kira and ruined his work. All we can do is wait…"

Renji slowly opened his eyes, groaning. He rubbed his face to try and wake himself up, wincing when he touched the part that he had hit. Shifting his position so that he was sitting a little straighter, he looked up at the circle of shinigami in the middle of the floor and blinked a couple times to try and clear his fuzzy vision. "Nnnhhh… Hey guys… howzit goin'?"

"Alright," Hisagi said warily. "How are you feeling?"

"Meh, been better," Renji groaned. "M' vision's blurry, m' face feels like it was cut'n half, an' I think 'm still partly drunk."

Ikkaku smirked. "That's because after you drank almost the entire bottle of sake, you karate chopped your own face and knocked yourself out."

The redhead shook his head slowly. "I don' remember any o' that."

"You were pretty drunk, Renji," Hisagi stated. "By the time we left the office, you were babbling incoherently and smacked my ass on more than one occasion." He shot Renji a sour look.

Renji rubbed his face again to try to clear his head. He pulled his hands away and glanced down at them, doing a double take. "Why's there ink on m' hands??"

Ikkaku grinned. "You said before you started drinking that you wanted to 'drink until your tattoos fell off'. Well guess what?"

"AAAAAH!!!" Renji wiped off his hands as best as he could and patted his forehead rapidly.

"Relax," Hisagi called, "it's 'moustache' ink. Your tattoos are still there."

The redhead panicked even more. "Yeah, but m' banada- badada- bananda- _headband_ isn't!" He patted the area around him. When he didn't find it, he pulled his legs up and hugged himself. He closed his eyes and shook his head. "No no no no no, this can't be happenin'! 'At's my fav'rite bananda!" He opened his eyes and looked over at the others, vision finally clearing. He saw Yumi pondering, Hisagi holding one side of something, and Ikkaku holding the other side, along with…

"MADARAME, WHAT'RE YOU DOING WITH MY BANANDA?!" Renji screamed. He thrust a hand out and sent a Red Flame Cannon at Ikkaku, hitting the third seat in the head before he could react. Ikkaku fell to the floor, stunned, releasing his grip on the bandana and Kira's arm.

Hisagi quickly manipulated Kira's arm so that the elbow locked and he could control the blonde to a certain extent. Kira's head, still unconscious and now freed, rolled side to side as Hisagi tried desperately to stop Kira's body from swaying. With his mouth unknowingly holding the bandana hostage, Kira's head rolled backwards toward Renji's direction.

Renji was furious.

The redhead shot off another Red Flame Cannon just as Hisagi pulled on Kira's arm, rolling his head back to the front. The blast hit the back of the blonde's head, creating a bunch of smoke.

Yumichika gasped, interrupted from his thought processes. He scooted forward. "No! My hard work!"

A small groan cut through the smoke. Yumichika and Hisagi waved it away to find Kira waking up. The fifth seat leaned in closer to look at the damage Renji caused.

"I don't believe it. It's… It's… It's perfect!"

Not only had the blast awakened the blonde, it gave Kira's hair the body that Yumichika had wanted while leaving the curls intact.

Yumi backed away. "Well, my work here is done. Thank you for your help, Hisagi."

"Oy, what about me?" Ikkaku asked from his position on the floor.

Yumichika stuck his nose in the air. "I was addressing the gentlemen in the room, but considering that one was the subject and another was down for the count, only Shuuhei was left and I didn't want to leave it so impersonal."

Kira, still reeling from the blast, wobbled around, bandana still held captive.

"Bad- Bana- Headband!!!" Renji whined.

Ikkaku peeled himself off the floor. He grabbed the bandana out of Kira's mouth and walked over to Renji. "I'll give you bandana!" He attacked Renji's mouth with it, trying to shove the fabric in as far as it would go.

Renji fought him, disgusted. "Thith hath Kiwa thwobba on id! Gwoth!"

Yumi grabbed the swaying blonde by the shoulders. "Shuuhei, one last favor? Help me get him in bed. He's not going to last much longer."

The two shinigami picked Kira up and shuffled him over to his pallet. Under Yumi's instruction, they set him down on his stomach. As a last touch, Hisagi pulled a blanket over him.

"With him on his stomach, his hair will stay intact," Yumichika stated, smiling. "Now, fellows, let's take our leave and let him sleep."

Hisagi walked over to the corner, where Ikkaku and Renji were locked in bandana battle. Ikkaku kept shoving it in the redhead's mouth, and Renji kept trying to use it to spit shine Ikkaku's head.

"Alright, alright! That's enough!" Hisagi said, separating the two. "Time to go."

"Speaking of," Ikkaku interjected, "can we stop by the bathroom again?"

"But there's a bathroom in here."

"Yumi's in that one."

Hisagi rolled his eyes at the bald man, then turned his attention to Renji, holding out a hand. "Think you can walk, or should I carry you again?"

Renji took his hand, standing up slowly. "I'll be 'k. Jus' watch for me in case I fall b'hind."

Yumichika emerged from Kira's bathroom after replacing his hair care items. Together, they left Kira's chambers and shut the door behind them, allowing the blonde to drift into the dreamy abyss.

A minute later, the door creaked open and a hand appeared in the crack. "It was risky to sneak away, but it's a risk I had to take. This will keep my beautiful creation safe. Bakudou number sixty three, Sajo Sabaku, Locking Bondage Stripes."

Gold chains wrapped around Kira, preventing him from moving. However, the blonde was unfazed and continued to sleep, lightly snoring. Satisfied, the hand retreated and the door closed again, leaving Kira to discover his surprise come morning.

* * *

(1) Shout out and shameless plug for Sarah Tay at the Seireitei by Barbellenel.

I'm still taking ideas for hairstyles to subject Kira to. :)


End file.

Bleach, Humor