Harry Potter Harry Potter and the Revenge of the Potions Master

**_Disclaimer: I don't own anything at all Harry Potter related. _**

When the fourth-year Gryffindors and Slytherins walked into the Potions classroom, they knew immediately that something was different.

For the last three classes Harry Potter had managed to waste the entire lesson with various excuses and ridiculous stories. Now as they began taking their seats, most of Harry's classmates were shooting glances at him; the Slytherins glaring murderously and the Gryffindors wondering how he was going to disrupt today's lesson.

But this time, as Snape ordered them to get out their supplies, something had clearly changed. Snape seemed determined and almost in a good mood; there was an aura of supreme confidence about him.

He went around the room, silently collecting the students' homework, and stopped at Harry's desk. As usual, he didn't have his homework. The students prepared themselves for a crazy story, but as Harry opened his mouth Snape shot him a glare so murderously evil that he immediately shut it again.

As Snape began to walk away, Harry began, "Professor, I don't have my homework because-"

But as soon as Harry started talking Snape had calmly walked back, and now he leaned over and with one hand firmly shut Harry's mouth. He held it closed for a few seconds, then let go and looked at Harry as though daring him to say another word.

Harry's shocked classmates stared at him, waiting to see what he would do, but Harry appeared to be too confounded to do anything but gape at Snape.

As Snape began to walk away again, Harry visibly gathered himself and called after Snape, "But Professor, I-"

Snape turned around and pulled a roll of duct tape out of his robes. Still very calmly, he ripped a piece off the end and stuck it over Harry's mouth.

Harry ripped it off, looking shocked and angry. He opened his mouth as if to yell at Snape, but one look at his face and Harry's courage failed him.

Harry and his classmates were very quiet as Snape began to teach the lesson.

"Today we will be making a Dreamless Sleep potion. Instructions are on the blackboard. Begin."

The students looked up to the place where the blackboard usually hung, but it was gone. They looked around the classroom, thinking it may have been put somewhere else today, but it was nowhere to be seen.

Hermione Granger raised her hand and tentatively said, "Professor? Er, where _is _the blackboard?"

Snape sneered at her. "Don't be stupid, Miss Granger. The blackboard is on the wall where it always is. Ten points from Gryffindor for your idiocy."

There was silence as the students looked at each other in confusion. Then Draco Malfoy spoke up.

"But sir, the blackboard _is _gone."

Snape looked at the empty wall behind him and said, "Oh yes, so it is. Ten points to Slytherin for your cleverness."

The Gryffindors glared at Snape, but his next words made them forget about his blatant favoritism.

"Does anyone know _why _the blackboard is gone? Hmm? Anyone?"

No one moved.

"You," Snape said, turning to Harry. "Do _you _know why the blackboard is gone, Potter?"

"No, Professor Snape," Harry said nervously. "_I _didn't take it-"

"Of course you didn't take it, imbecile!"

Harry stared at Snape in shocked silence.

"An _ant _took it! Do you know _why _an ant took it, Potter?" Snape said, still looking at Harry, an evil smile playing around his lips.

"N-no, Professor."

"Because it thought the blackboard was a cheeseburger! And everyone knows that ants _love _cheeseburgers, Potter," Snape said, his voice growing quiet.

Several of the students were staring at Snape as if he had gone mad, but Snape ignored them.

"Er, Professor," Harry said skeptically, "How would one tiny ant be able to carry the blackboard?"

Snape looked surprised. "Why, you're right, Potter. I must have been mistaken. One tiny ant _couldn't _have done that. Perhaps it tried, but found the blackboard was too heavy. So then it probably got all it's little friends to help and they stole the blackboard together. Ten points to Slytherin for catching that."

For a moment Harry seemed too confused to say anything, but then he protested, "But Professor, I'm not _in _Slytherin!"

"Really?" Snape said unconcernedly. "Oh well." He started to walk back to the front of the classroom.

"Professor!" Harry stood up. "You just gave my points to Slytherin!"

Snape turned around and glared at Harry. "It's not _my _fault you aren't in Slytherin. Now shut up and make your potion."

"Well, I can't very well make my potion without the blackboard," Harry said loudly.

"Oh, the blackboard?" Snape said, looking at Harry as though he were very stupid. "I put that in the storage closet." He summoned it and started to hang it back on the wall.

Harry stared at him. "But you said- you said an ant took it!"

Snape shrugged. "I must have been wrong." With a wave of his wand the instructions appeared on the blackboard. "Begin."

The students got out their ingredients and for a while things passed normally as they started their potions.

Harry began to add chopped valerian roots, but Hermione, who was sitting next to him, stopped him and said, "Harry, you don't add the roots until you've put the dried newt's tail in."

Immediately Snape was at their side glaring at Hermione. "No, Miss Granger, you _are _supposed to add the valerian roots before the newt's tail. Do everyone a favor and restrain yourself from giving Potter instructions that are likely to blow up the classroom. Five points from Gryffindor."

"But, sir, the instructions say-"

Snape ignored her and dumped the roots in Harry's cauldron. The potion, which was supposed to be a shimmering light blue, turned a greenish-brown and started to bubble ominously.

Snape sneered at Harry. "That will be a zero, Mr. Potter," he said and started to walk away again.

"Professor, you ruined my potion!" Harry said angrily.

Snape turned back to Harry, his robes billowing behind him. The room seemed to darken as he thundered, "What makes you think it was _I _who ruined your potion, Potter?"

For a moment everyone was very quiet. "Er, because I _saw_ you ruin it, Professor," Harry said, looking intimidated.

"Why yes, I guess I did ruin it. Whoopsie!" Snape said brightly.

Harry opened his mouth, but Hermione nudged him and he shut it again. He Vanished the ruined potion and started over, but kept glaring at Snape.

Finally, when class was almost over, Harry said, "Professor, don't you want to know why I don't have my homework today?" Without waiting for Snape to answer, he begin, "You see, sir, Professor McGonagall took it! She said she wanted to transfigure it into a kitten! And then-"

"You know," Snape interrupted loudly, "Something very strange happened to me the other day. I was just grading papers when all of a sudden a giant apple fell from the ceiling. And-"

"And then," Harry continued with his story as if he hadn't heard Snape, "_Then_ suddenly a large furry animal appeared out of nowhere and started attacking us! So I had to-"

"But after the apple fell from the ceiling," Snape said even louder, talking over Harry, "It started hopping around like a maniac. And the walls of my office turned pink! And all the essays I was grading -"

"So then I had to-" Harry shouted.

"SILENCE!" roared Snape.

All was quiet.

"As I was saying," Snape continued in a normal voice, "The essays I was grading all started singing, and-"

"Essays don't sing," Harry stated loudly.

"Yes. They. _Do, _Potter!" Snape said. "And then they exploded, and the giant apple, who had now stopped acting like an idiot, told me-"

"Essays don't sing and apples don't talk!" Harry yelled. "This is the stupidest story I've ever heard!"

Snape ignored him. "Anyway, the apple told me that the only to fix the essays was to take the blood of a niddleharg -"

"What's a niddleharg?" Draco interrupted.

"Potter," Snape snapped, "Tell him what a niddleharg is."

"_I _don't know what it is, Professor," Harry said grumpily.

Snape stared at him. "You _don't _know what a niddleharg is? I thought _everyone _knew what they are! You're such an imbecile, Potter!"

Harry scowled. "Well what _is _a niddleharg, then?"

Snape's lip curled into a sneer. "If you're so stupid that you don't know, I won't even tell you."

Harry frowned in annoyance. "Fine! I couldn't care less what a stupid niddleharg is anyway!"

"Well, good!" Snape said. "And anyway, since they don't exist, I _obviously _couldn't take one's blood, so I just ate the apple instead. But after I ate it, a funny thing happened. All the blown up papers returned to normal and the pink walls went back to their previous color. Weird," he said thoughtfully. "Now GET BACK TO WORK!"

The students, who had stopped making their potions to watch Snape and Harry, jumped and returned to their work.

For the remainder of the class Harry worked desperately to finish his second potion in time, but when the bell rang he was only halfway through.

"Mr. Potter," Snape said as the rest of the class got up to leave, "Stay behind."

When the rest of the class were gone and only Harry and Snape were left, Harry stood up. "Professor, I tried to finish my potion, but I just didn't have enough time, so-"

"You will receive a zero, Potter, as I told you earlier," Snape said.

"But-"

"Potter, it's not _my _fault your first potion got ruined, so kindly stop your annoying whining."

Harry glared at him. "It _is _your fault! You're the one who ruined it!"

Snape raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!"

"I wouldn't be so sure if I were you."

Harry blinked. "What?"

When Snape didn't answer, but just stood there looking mysterious, Harry gave him a final glare and started to walk towards the door.

"I have not yet dismissed you, Potter," Snape said. "Come back here."

Harry sighed, but obeyed.

For a moment Snape stood over Harry, smirking down at him. Then he gave him a shove and said, "Bother!"

Harry looked surprised and scared. "Is th-that all, sir?"

Snape gave a sinister smile. "One more thing." He opened his desk drawer and took out a hammer. Harry looked at him in horror. Grinning maniacally, Snape raised it menacingly. Harry gave a shriek of terror and ran out the door screaming, leaving Snape laughing evilly behind him.

_**A/N: Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed! **__** I absolutely LOVE reviews! (Hint, hint...)**_


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Harry Potter, Humor, Parody