Instant Star 1. if i don't cry

Dear Journal,

My name is Jude Harrison. I'm a rock star. I'm 21 years old. I'm many things, actually. Blonde, ambitious, lively... anything along those lines. I've got a bit of an attitude... if you ask my best friend, Jamie. I have a hard time making decisions. Just ask my on-again, off-again boyfriend. Tommy Quincy. Yeah. You've probably heard of him. He's six and a half years my senior and he still has the mentality that he had when I met him. He was 22 then and he's 29 now and currently suffering an on-the-brink-of-turning-30 crisis. We have a two-year-old son, Zachary. And currently, we aren't living together because of his... condition, if you want to say. I'm five months pregnant.

Now, you probably want to know why I'm five months pregnant if Tommy's off somewhere and I'm raising our son. Well, Tommy's never been particularly stable. Then again, neither have I. I mean, I'm not nearly as bad as he is, don't get me wrong. But I always keep coming back to Tommy. I love him, despite his faults. Even though our son asks me every day when Daddy's going to come back home and I can't give him an honest answer. Tommy loves Zach. I know he does. But he's not acting like the dad he needs to be. That's why I haven't told him about the baby. Yes, I love Tommy with all of my heart, but when you love someone who can't always be there for you, sometimes you have to pull away. I know. I'm not making any sense. You're probably reading this, thinking I'm an idiot for not telling Tommy about this kid, but well... I can't. Okay? I can't. He's not there for his son now, so why would he jump ship and come running back home for this one?

I promised myself after Tommy left when Zach was six months old that I wasn't going to have anything else to do with him. But then again, I always come back to him. I can't help it. This time, it got me knocked up... again. Don't get me wrong. I love my son to death. He's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. But this baby could have come at a lot better time. Maybe five, six years in the future, I'd have been ready for the whole mom thing. But 19 wasn't the time. 21's not much better. And yet, I'm having to get ready to prepare myself for single motherhood... again.

I'm starting to show. I've been wearing baggy sweatshirts when I go out and when I have to go to the occasional premier or something, I wear black. Loose dresses... always black. But the tabloids are starting to get suspicious. Thank god Tommy's off somewhere in some foreign land... last time I heard from him, he was in Cambodia, somewhere in the mountains. He emailed me. He told me to tell Zach that he loves him and all. That was four-and-a-half months ago. I didn't tell Zach I'd heard from his Daddy. I don't want to confuse the poor kid any more than he's already confused.

Zachary Thomas Dutois is a gorgeous little boy, if I do say so myself. He's very introverted... a lot like his dad. But then again, he has little outbursts here and there when he gets upset... a lot like I do. He's got Tommy's dark hair and full lips and my big blue eyes. He's Sadie's everything. She loves him to death. When I have a concert or event to attend, she babysits him for me. Every time I come back, he's up way past his bedtime. But I love her for it. She socializes Zach, something that I can't do very often with my full schedule. At least this baby will give him someone to connect to. He needs a friend, a sibling to confide in.

Sadie says I need to confirm this pregnancy soon. But I'm just savoring having this little one tucked away inside me, safe and secure, trying to shield it from the dangers of this world... heartache, loneliness, and instability. But Sadie's right. I can't keep it hidden forever, no matter how much I want to. She, Kwest, and Zach are the only two people who know about the baby. Kwest is still in contact with Tommy, but he's sworn to secrecy. He won't tell him about the baby. He can't. Sadie's begged him to keep it hush-hush. Kwest wasn't initially supposed to know. But then again, my darling sister hasn't been able to keep anything from him. It's like he can read her mind or something. I don't get it. I wish Tommy and I were still like that.

The baby's kicking. I kind of hope this one's a girl. I've always wanted a daughter. Someone to dress up and buy Barbies for. Zach was such an easy baby. He's so quiet and withdrawn. I think it might be because he really doesn't have a father figure. I mean, he has Kwest, but Kwest isn't around constantly. He sees Sadie and Kwest every other weekend. I usually take him to work with me. Kwest is my producer and Sadie sits in the studio, holding Zach. He likes to hear me sing. I sing him to sleep every night.

If the baby's a girl, I want to name her Miley Jaye. If it's a boy, I'm thinking Zane Tyler. I think Zachary and Zane sound good together. I elected not to find out the sex of the baby, simply because I'd rather have Tommy here for that. We found out that Zach was a boy together. I'd miss him too much if I went and had that tell-tale ultrasound done without him there. When I went for the initial ultrasound, the baby has its legs closed anyways. I took that as a sign. I don't know... I miss Tommy. I'm not going to deny it.

I miss him every day. Every single day that goes by, I look at our son and see him. I see his stubbornness, his resilient facade... Zach is so much like his father it scares me. I sometimes wonder if Zach is going to end up like Tommy. Alone, having abandoned his family. I promise Zach that I will do everything in my power to see that that doesn't happen. I'll do the same for this baby. I sometimes wonder what I'd do if Tommy actually came back, seeing me pregnant with his child again. I wonder if he'd stay or if he'd turn around and walk out of our lives again. But I don't dwell on it. I can't afford to.

Love always,

xXx Jude xXx

* * *

_Didn't feel like adding to any of my other stories... This is just something I'll work on occasionally, I think. I've moved since I last updated, and I don't have constant computer access. I'm at my parents' house now. I'm on Spring Break, and I don't know how long I'll be here. I might update this before I leave._

_Love always!_

_Leanne_


	2. do you think i don't feel?

Dear Journal,

It's been a really rough night. Here I am at nearly 4 a.m. with a sick kid in the emergency room. Sadie and I rushed Zach into the ER after he had a temperature of 104.3 degrees and a persistent dry cough that shook his whole tiny body. I didn't think it was possible to be this scared. Sadie keeps trying to calm me back down, saying that it isn't good for the baby for me to get all riled up like this.

Looking at his little face while he's sleeping in that big hospital bed scares me. This isn't supposed to happen. Zach is a healthy little boy. He's never been sick like this before. He's only two years old, for crying out loud. He's so little and helpless. He's been wheezing all night long.

I am so exhausted. Sadie keeps telling me I should get some sleep. There's a line of hard chairs in this room and they don't look comfortable. I can't sleep when my little boy is this ill anyway. What kind of mother sleeps on hard chairs when her son is running a fever of over 104 degrees? Not me. Pregnant or not, I'm not sleeping until I know Zachary's going to be okay.

The doctor just came in and examined Zach. She says she believes he has pneumonia. They're admitting him. She says she's going to find him a room and get it set up and then we can take him upstairs. This is a nightmare. Sadie keeps hugging me and telling me that everything is going to be okay. I don't see how she can be so optimistic and light-hearted like this. Actually, I do. She hasn't had her heart ripped to pieces like I have in the last eighteen months.

Sadie went down to the cafeteria. She says I need something to eat. I whole-heartedly disagree with her. I'm not hungry. I don't need anything to eat. I can't eat when Zach can't eat. His forehead is all sweaty and he's been complaining that he's cold. How can he be cold with a fever of 104.3 degrees?

The nurse is going to take him in for a couple of x-rays. Radiation like that can't be good for him. I should have protected him more. It's probably my fault that he's sick. He probably got into something at the rehearsal space and it attacked his tiny lungs.

It's nearly 6:30 in the morning. I've been writing in this thing sporadically for the past two and a half hours. A nurse just took Zach upstairs to his room. Sadie goes with him, making me feel slightly more comfortable. The doctor pulls me aside and explains what's wrong with Zach.

"Ms. Harrison, your son has contracted bacterial lobar pneumonia, most likely from a respiratory virus. The dry, hacking cough that you informed us about is due to his effort to get the fluid out of his lungs. Bacterial lobar pneumonia is a rather serious condition," she says quickly.

"What does that mean?" I ask, freezing.

"Perhaps you would like to sit down?" she asks, gesteuring to a nearby loveseat.

"I'm fine," I say, biting my bottom lip.

"Your son is going to be here for a while. We'll give him penicillin and intraveneous fluids to make him breathe easier. We'll also put him on oxygen. Was your son born prematurely or was he born with any birth defects?"

"He was born about a month early. He weighed five pounds and two ounces," I say.

"He's small for his age. It might take him a little longer to recover compared to most children," she says. "I'd say he's going to be here for at least four or five days. Maybe even a week."

So, now I have to worry about my son's health along with all of the other things I'm going through. Just peachy. I think I'm going to go upstairs and try to get a few hours of sleep on a cot next to his bed. I'm definitely going to need my energy. Let's just hope Zach sleeps for a while. Thank god Sadie's with me. I don't know what I would have done without her being here tonight.

More later.

Love always,

xXx Jude xXx


	3. if i walk away

Dear Journal,

It's 3:15 p.m.

Zach is sleeping soundly. I can't really see how, considering he has an IV in his arm and oxygen going into his nose via that nasal tube thing. My heart just about broke when they put the IV needle into his arm. He kept calling for me, saying, "Mommy, help! They're hurting me!" Then, he started coughing again. They made me leave, saying my presence there was upsetting him. What a crock of shit. My presence upset my son? Sadie watched out for him for me.

While I was sitting out in the waiting room, I talked to my other child. It kept kicking rhythmically against my stomach. This baby's gotten me through a lot, the last couple of months. Honestly, if I hadn't been pregnant when Tommy sent me that email, I'd have called the CIA and the Cambodian government and Angelina Jolie and had them all track them down with me and Zach leading the pack. But then again, I'm not vaccinated against a lot of Asian strains of diseases, so I elected not to.

The last time I saw Tommy was near the end of November.

It was pouring down rain. Zach, just over two years old, was sitting in my lap and I was rocking him to sleep in the rocking chair next to the window in the living room. I watched the rain fall against the window pane. The headlights of a car penetrated the darkness and pulled into my driveway. A dark-headed guy got out of the blue Viper and headed up the walkway to the door. I froze. I hadn't seen Tommy in at least three or four months. He took his key out of his pocket and opened the door. I hadn't bothered to change the locks since he left. I had still held out hope.

The sound of the door opening made Zach's eyes shoot open. I saw the fireworks erupt in my son's eyes.

"Daddy?"

"Hey little guy," Tommy said, closing the door behind him.

"Honey, it's time for bed," I told Zach. "Give Daddy a kiss."

Zach hugged Tommy's knees and toddled toward the bedroom. I put him in his crib and put a blanket over him and kissed him good night. I walked back to the living room, where Tommy was still standing by the door, a bit unsure as to whether or not he was welcome inside.

"So. You're back," I said nonchalantly, sitting down on the couch.

"Jude, I'm --"

"Sorry? Yeah, I've heard that one before," I said. "I haven't seen you in what... six months? You missed Zach's birthday. Everyone wanted to know where you were. I can't keep saying you're on business trips when you're having a late-twenties crisis or whatever."

"Jude, commitment has never been my strong point. You knew that when we got together."

"I figured me getting pregnant at 19 would change your attitude just a little bit. I figured you would owe a sense of responsibility to your SON, at least."

"Jude, you know I love him."

"You have a hard time showing it."

"I love _you_."

"If you loved me, you wouldn't put me through this much heartache. Did you see Zach's eyes when he looked at you? You were like Superman to him. Superman, who always rescues Lois. Superman that always rescues his Mommy when she's sad. Tommy, he's seen me cry. He may be only two years old, but he knows. He knows I'm sad and he knows you're never here. Soon, he'll put the two together -- that I'm sad because you're not here."

"Jude, I'm scared. I can't help it."

"Look at your son. Sometimes we all get scared. Can't you be Zach's Superman? Or at least pretend to be?"

"I can be your Superman. But he's going to expect so much more of me. Maybe not right away, but soon enough."

"Tommy, just being there is enough. You don't have to have Superman powers to be there. You don't have to have Superman powers to tuck your child into bed and sing him to sleep and celebrate his birthdays and Christmases..."

"I'm scared, Jude," Tommy said. "I'm scared that I'll disappoint him. That's what I do. I disappoint people."

I walked over to him and kissed him.

"Be the wonderful person I know that's deep down in there and you'll never disappoint us."

Tommy returned my kiss. Silent tears slid down our faces as we kissed again.

The rest of the night was a blur. I know we talked. We did a few other things, too. But the next morning, it was like he was never there. I had a huge hole in my heart once more when I woke up the next morning and he was gone.

I have to go. Sadie, Kwest, and Speid are outside. They want to talk. Or cheer me up. I don't know which anymore.

Love always,

xXx Jude xXx


	4. it doesn't mean i don't see

Dear Journal,

When I went out to see what Spied, Sadie, and Kwest wanted, they presented me with a huge blue teddy bear for Zach and a few balloons, too. That made me feel slightly better. Sadie named the teddy bear Zeus.

Zeus the bear. I didn't feel like asking her what she was smoking when she named it.

I turned on the news when I went home to go get a few necessities. Zach wanted his blanket... the one Tommy bought for him when we found out I was pregnant. When I turned on the TV, I heard Melanie Snow talking about Zach in Entertainment News.

"We have just received word that Zachary Thomas Dutois, the son of rocker Jude Harrison and estranged boyfriend, Tommy Quincy, has been admitted to the Hospital for Sick Children. His condition is unknown. We'll keep an eye on this developing story and bring you more right here on E! Entertainment News."

"Just great, Melanie Snow," I muttered.

I really didn't want it getting out that Zach was sick. Because honestly, if Tommy showed up at the Hospital for Sick Children, I'd kick him out so fast, he wouldn't know what hit him. Zach is sick and having his father show up randomly isn't going to help anyone. Zach has been just fine without Tommy's constant prescence in his life and it's going to stay that way.

It's getting to the point where I'm considering passing this baby off as someone else's. I really want Tommy out of our lives... I'm so sick and tired of the pain and the hurt that he's put on our family. If he would have been there for us, Zach would probably have been a lot happier... he knows his daddy is missing and he doesn't know why. How can I tell my son that his father doesn't want anything to do with him? I can't do that. I just can't.

"Wait, we have confirmation that Tommy Quincy has been spotted on Upper Gerrard Street! Sources tell us that he is accompanied by a redheaded woman who looks to be in her early to mid-twenties. We have a crew on the scene right now. Marlea Jenkins, what do you see?"

"Mr. Quincy, Mr. Quincy! Your son is in the hospital, do you have any statement you wish to release to the media? Mr. Quincy?"

I froze in front of the television, dropping the glass in my hand onto the hardwood floor, where it shattered. Tommy continued to walk, ignoring the cameras, the redheaded girl's hand clasped firmly in his own.

"Mr. Quincy, do you have a statement to release about your son?"

Tommy continued to ignore the press. He didn't seem to be worried about Zach at all. Then again, he had always been really good at covering his feelings. Maybe if he did care, he was just trying not to show it.

He crossed the street and kissed the redhead fully on the lips. I heard gasps from the press and he climbed into the car, flashbulbs going off sporadically.

My whole world started spinning. I fell to the floor and cried.

Tommy Quincy had just walked out of my life for forever.

And if he thought he was ever coming back into it, he was sadly mistaken.

* * *

When I got back to the hospital, I brought Zach his blanket. He still felt a bit feverish. Sadie informed me that the nurse told her that he was improving.

I sat down next to his bed and he turned his head to look at me.

"Mommy? Did you bwing my bwankie?"

"Yes, I did," I said, holding back my tears and frustration at Tommy for two seconds. "Here you go, baby."

"Mommy, I'm not a baby. I'm Zach!"

I laughed.

"Mommy? Why are you sad?"

I paused before answering. How on earth did he know I was sad?

"Sad? Oh, honey, I'm not sad. Let me tell you a story, okay?" I pulled a book out of the bag at my feet.

"Does it have a pwetty pwincess and a bwave pwince in it?" he asked, smiling.

"Yes, it does. Now calm down, okay?" I said, trying to reassure him.

"Mmnkay," he said, pulling the blanket up a little and curling up his knees.

"_Okay. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess. She was locked away in a tower, guarded by a fierce dragon. She had been asleep for nearly a hundred years, only to be awaken by her true love's first_ --"

"_Kiss_."

I looked up and saw Tommy in the doorway. Rage filled my very bones and I gave him a death glare.

"Can I help you?" I asked, setting the book down.

"I heard about Zach. Hey kid, are you okay?"

I fought down the urge to jump him and beat the shit out of him.

"You finally decided to come see your son again?" I asked bitterly. I crossed my arms over my huge sweatshirt.

Tommy looked at me and didn't answer.

"I think we need to talk out in the hall," I said. I turned to look at my son, who was watching us in confusion. "Baby, I'll be right back."

Zach nodded. I pulled Tommy out into the hallway.

"Tommy, you're not a part of our lives anymore. You walked out on us."

"Jude, I didn't walk out --"

"Who was the redhead, Tommy? Your _sister_? I'm not stupid. I flip on the TV and all of a sudden, you're on Gerrard Street and people are chasing you, asking if you know your son's condition. I'm surprised you even cared enough to show up." I bit my bottom lip, looking at him.

"You know I still love you."

"Tommy, I stopped believing that a long time ago."

"You still believe it. Way down in here." He put his hand on my heart. "I'm sorry I let you down."

He leaned toward me and kissed my cheek, wrapping his arms around me. I fought the urge not to cry. He paused and looked down.

At my stomach.

"Jude, are you pregnant?"

I nearly died. He wasn't supposed to know about the baby.

xXx Jude xXx

* * *

_Please review..._

_Leanne_


	5. because i want someone when i'm alone

Dear Journal,

I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I couldn't tell Tommy that the child I was carrying was his. I made the decision then and there that he wouldn't find out. Not ever.

"Yes... I'm pregnant."

"And it's mine. It is... isn't it?" he asked. I saw the tension in his eyes. He wasn't worried about the baby; he was worried that I was just going to tie him down further than I already had.

"No," I answered firmly.

"What? What do you mean, no? There's not anyone else... is there?"

"Yes."

"Who?"

I looked behind Tommy and saw Speid and Sadie talking down the hall. Spied and I locked eyes for a second, before he looked back at Sadie.

"Speid."

"WHAT?" Tommy yelled.

"Tommy, your son is wide awake over there. Do you really want him to hear you yelling?" I hissed.

"You... and him?" Tommy sat down in the chair next to the hospital room door.

"He was there when no one else was. You left, remember?"

Tommy didn't answer. Suddenly, he got up and rushed down the hall, before I could stop him. He grabbed Speid by both shoulders and threw him up against the wall.

"You ass," he yelled, punching him.

Speid groaned loudly and fell to the floor. Sadie tried to pull Tommy off of Speid, but he threw her back out of the way. Sadie ran to the receptionist desk on the other side of the hall, and before I knew what had happened, security guards were rushing down the hall.

Tommy was put under arrest.

"I hope you two are happy together!" he screamed as the guards led him away, down the elevator.

I leaned over and picked Speid back up. His nose was bleeding and a bruise was slowly coming up on the side of his face.

"What was that all about?" he asked, as I handed him a tissue.

"I told you I wasn't going to tell Tommy the baby was his," I answered feebly.

"You told him it was _mine?_" Speid said disbelievingly.

"Yeah," I said, feeling like a complete idiot. "But you have to understand! I couldn't just tell Tommy I was having his kid AGAIN. I mean, that would be complete and utter stupidity. He's already left me one kid to raise. I didn't want him thinking he had another one, too!"

"But Jude, he should know that he's got another kid! God, Jude! Karma is going to kill me!"

I had forgotten about that. Speid was a married man. He and Karma already had a daughter. He didn't need me mucking things up for them and confusing Katie. What if Tommy went to the press?

"Oh God," I said, sliding down the wall and down to the floor. "This is a mess."

"No, duh, Jude," Speid said.

"Can't you just tell Karma the truth? That Jude's baby isn't really yours and that you're just telling everyone it is to protect her and her family from Tommy and his wild antics?" Sadie asked.

"Yeah, and then I'll have to admit to the world that I cheated on my wife with Jude, when I really didn't!" Speid spat.

"Or you could tell the world that you just artificially inseminated yourself and Speid was a donor," Sadie laughed.

"Actually, that might just work," I said, looking at Speid.

"Are you serious?" Speid asked.

"Come on, Speid," I begged. "You can tell Karma the real truth!"

"I'll talk to her about it, but there's no promises. I've got to go. Katie needs to be picked up from school." Speid walked down the hall and down the elevator.

"Are you okay, Jude?" Sadie asked me.

"I'm fine. I mean, I think I just dug myself into a really deep hole and cut both Tommy and Speid's hearts open, but other than that, things are just peachy!"

Sadie smirked.

"You really think so?" she asked.

"Of course," I said sarcastically. "I've gotta go. Zach needs me."

I sat down in Zach's room, trying to hide my tears.

"Mommy, where did Daddy go?" Zach asked.

"He's going to go on vacation for a while," I said sadly.

"Mommy, does Daddy still love me?"

How am I supposed to answer _that _one?

xXx Jude xXx

_Thanks for all the reviews. I really appreciate it!_

_Leanne_


	6. doesn't mean i'm helpless

Dear Journal,

I'm sitting here, the radio blasting loud through the apartment, cleaning. Zach comes home today, and I want this place sparkling. Honestly, this song is really true. I think I'll sing along.

_Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore  
She loves salting my wounds  
Yes, she enjoys nothing more  
I bleed confidence from deep within my guts now  
I'm the king of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown._

It's been a few days since the drama with Tommy and Speid over the baby. Speid is supposed to come over today and we're supposed to come up with some miraculous scheme to convince the world that I'm not having Tommy's baby. I've been trying to think of ways to keep myself from thinking of him. I don't know why I still feel something there after all of this drama. I know he doesn't care, no matter how much he says he does.

_I wanna tear apart your room  
to see if what you say is true  
Darling don't you lie, lie to me  
I wanna break into your heart  
to see why you want us apart  
Oh, I'm scared to death to find out what you think of me._

Okay, so technically, if we're going with this whole song theory, I'm the only one who wants us to be apart. But otherwise, this song is basically my life written out. I mean, Tommy and I can't be together and it's all due to timing and fate and all of this... _bull shit!_ Ugh. I'm so sick and tired of feeling sick about this entire thing. Fate keeps people apart. Fate keeps Tommy from his children. Fate makes me have to protect my children from people who might accidentally hurt them... even if that's their father. But still... I want to be with Tommy. Is that so wrong?

_Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore  
She loves salting my wounds  
Yes, she enjoys nothing more  
I bleed confidence from deep within my guts now  
I'm the king of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown_

This house is never going to get clean. It's a mountainous task. I don't understand how a two-year-old little boy and an extremely frustrated mom can mess up a two-bedroom flat. Well, I guess I haven't really cared much about house-cleaning lately, either. I haven't cleaned since... i don't know... maybe a week before Zach was admitted into the hospital. He's doing so much better, though. I can't wait for him to come back home today. Two hours left. I didn't tell him Tommy was in jail. That is, if he hasn't already posted bail. I wouldn't put it past him.

_According to you we don't click,  
that's a blatant lie and you know it  
Angel, what are you hiding from me?  
If there is truly another secret lunch-break,  
working late lover  
then I would die, but at least then I'd be free._

I've come to a new conclusion. If fate decides that you aren't met to be with someone, then you don't stand a chance. But honestly, I'd rather be with Tommy right now than with anyone else. I can't even imagine myself with anyone but Tommy. I can't imagine Zach calling anyone else Daddy, either. I mean, Tommy IS his dad and no one else will ever be biologically responsible for his being here on earth. I don't know if I'd rather _die_ than meet someone who'll actually take care of me and my son and this new baby... but who would WANT a pregnant woman with a two-year-old son? Not many men would want to jump into that position. I can't think of any. I don't even think Jamie would do that. Of course, he's perfectly happy with his bachelorness in his little bachelor pad. Not many women with kids want someone like that as a role model for their children.

_Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore  
She loves salting my wounds  
Yes, she enjoys nothing more  
I bleed confidence from deep within my guts now  
I'm the king of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown._

I really need to stop obsessing over this baby thing. I mean it IS a priority, but I'm letting it interfere with my day-to-day activities. I just wish things could be easy for me like they are for normal people. Like Sadie. Sadie's in a solid relationship with Kwest and he'd never leave her. Like EVER. She's confident, she's happy, and they are so in LOVE. I wish I could have something like that. I mean, obviously, I can't have that with Tommy. We used to be like that. Before Zach was born. I'm not pinning him leaving on Zach, but as soon as he realized what being a DAD meant, he flew the coop and he wasn't really part of Zach's life at all.

_Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore  
She loves salting my wounds  
Yes, she enjoys nothing more  
I bleed confidence from deep within my guts now  
I'm the king of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown._

I should get out more often. I should have Sadie babysit for me and then go and try to meet new people. Maybe Kwest has other friends that won't hurt me as much as Tommy did. Let's just hope fate doesn't decide to step in and leave me with ANOTHER unplanned pregnancy. Ha! That would be my luck.

_Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore  
She loves salting my wounds  
Yes, she enjoys nothing more  
I bleed confidence from deep within my guts now  
I'm the king of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown._

I should have a jewel encrusted crown. Really. I think I'm going to buy myself a tiara for my press conference when I announce my pregnancy. Now THAT would be amazing. I have to go. I have to pick up Zach from the hospital. I have to sign him out and all. It was nice to vent.

xXxJudexXx


	7. that i can't stand on my own

Dear Journal,

I'm at the friendly abode that is my rehearsal space. It's been a while since I've been here. Since before I got pregnant, I guess. It's a great place to chill out and relax. But of course, this visit isn't for chillaxing. Speid and I are meeting here to discuss "our" baby.

I don't know if he's even told Karma. I mean, I _hope_ he's told Karma. But I know he's nervous and when Vincent Speiderman gets nervous, he panics and procrastinates.

There's a knock at the door. I guess I should go let him in.

"Jude," he says, hugging me. "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine, I guess. I just want to get this settled as best as I can."

"How's Zach?" I see the concern etched on Speid's face. Speid is Zach's biggest role model, now that he doesn't have a dad to be there for him.

"He's good. Sadie's watching him. Are you ready to get this settled?" I ask, sitting down on the sofa.

"I guess. I still don't understand why I have to be labeled as Baby Whatsit's dad, though. Not cool."

"Yeah... I know. Did you tell Karma?"

"Ummn... no," Speid answers, shuffling his feet.

"_Speid_!" I say admonishingly.

"It's not going to go over well, Jude."

"Well, I have to tell the entire world I'm pregnant and I really don't want to have to get up there and say I don't know WHO the dad is... I'm not a whore, Speid."

"I know. You're my friend, so I'll help you out... Besides, Karma and I are... never mind."

"What?" I ask, seeing the dejected look on his face for the first time.

"Things aren't going well. She wants to take Katie to the States to record. I don't want to move. But I don't want to lose my family, either."

I don't know what to say. I'm floored. How could Karma take their daughter and just... _leave?_ It doesn't make any sense. I thought things had been going well for them.

"Jude, if I claim to be your baby's dad, it's going to destroy my marriage. I might never see Katie again."

"Speid, I--"

"I'm just letting you know I'm willing to take that chance. There's always the possibility that I could sue Karma and win custody of Julia in a court of law. I'm the better parent. I've basically raised Julia from birth... Karma's just been concerned with her _fame _and her _fans_, not about the important stuff." He seems genuinely upset and spits out the two words he emphasizes most, like they're poison.

"The most obvious way for you to have gotten in the predicament that you're currently in is if we... you know... had sex," Speid continues. "Do you feel comfortable telling the world that?"

"But... won't that jeopardize your chances of keeping your daughter?" I ask.

"No. Trust me, I've got enough stuff on Karma to keep the case completely shut... in my favor."

"You're sure?" I ask nervously.

"I'm positive. I've thought of nothing else for the last two days. We could create a haphazard little family. You and Zach and Katie and the new baby and me. They'd be in almost perfect stair-steps, too. Five-and-a-half and three and a newborn..."

The thought seems amazing. I mean, I don't love Speiderman the way I love Tommy, but he's always been there for me and I feel _safe_ when I'm around him.

"Okay," I whisper.

Speid holds my hand and kisses my cheek softly.

There is a knock at the door and Speid jumps back quickly. I go to the door.

It's the redhead from the news... the one Tommy was walking down the street, macking on. I open the door cautiously.

"Hi, can I help you?"

"Yeah, I'm looking for Jude Harrison?"

"This is she," I say, leaning against the door frame.

"Oh. Well, I'm Holly Payne... Tommy's friend... and he wanted to know if he could arrange a time to pick up Zach and so we could take him to the zoo tomorrow."

"Excuse me, but will you tell him that his son just got out of the hospital today and that going to the zoo isn't the best thing for him to be doing. And please let him know that I'm the parent, so I'M doing the parenting skills. I haven't seen Tommy's ass around here taking care of his son. Until then, I'm the one doing everything, so I'll decide when and where my son goes somewhere."

"Technically, Tommy has every right to his son. So, unless you want to attend a custody hearing, you better let Tommy into his son's life. Besides," Holly says, putting her left hand on the door frame, flashing me a huge rock on her ring finger, "I'd like to meet my future step-son."

My whole world slowly begins to spin.

"Get out," I say softly.

"I really think you need to think about how your son is going to grow up, being without a loving father..." Holly continues.

"He's got a father figure, right here," I say, pulling the door back a little so she can see Speid standing in the rehearsal space, next to the door.

"Some father figure," she mutters.

"Leave, now," I say, shoving the door in her face.

I turn back to Spied and begin to cry.

Things aren't supposed to happen like this. If I lose my son, I'll die.

xXxJudexXx


	8. how far can we go before we break?

Dear Journal,

It's just past midnight and I've made a decision.

I'm running for it.

I'm taking Zach and I'm packing my things and we are going to leave Toronto. I've got most of Zach's stuff packed in a huge suitcase. Most of mine is packed in another huge suitcase on the other side of the room. I've got a cab called... it'll be here in around an hour. Why do I feel so nervous?

That Heather Payne or whatever her name is is the biggest bitch I have ever met in my entire life. What makes her think she can take Tommy and raise MY son? I'm so scared that they're going to do something stupid and sue for custody. Maybe leaving for a while would be the best thing. I can leave and live a life of secrecy until after this baby is born. Things will calm back down. I hope.

There's someone at the door. I walk over to it and peer through the peephole in the door. It's Speid. I let him in and he comes in visibly upset, holding Katie's hand.

"Speid, what's wrong?" I ask.

He looks at me, visibly shaken.

"Katie, go into Zach's room and try to get some sleep. There's an extra toddler bed in there, sweetheart," Speid tells his daughter. She nods and yawns and heads toward Zach's bedroom.

"Speid, what's wrong?" I ask again.

"She's gone," Speid whispers. "I came home and Katie was asleep in her bedroom and Karma had left a note on the kitchen counter. She told me she had left about fifteen minutes before I was due home, so Katie wasn't alone for long. But what am I going to tell Katie? How am I going to tell her that her mother cares more about fame and money than she does about her own child? More than she cares about _me?_"

I'm completely shocked. I know Karma's always been addicted to the spotlight, but I didn't think she would just _leave_ like this.

"Jude, my marriage is over. I just thought I should let you know. She's going to come forward and say that I'm the father of your child... just to give herself a little more sympathy in the eyes of her fans. She's going to make me out to be the cheating husband."

"Speid, I'm so sorry..." I say, at a loss for words. "I'm leaving in about an hour. My cab is taking Zach and I to the airport. We're going to Vancouver."

"Let me go with you," Speid says instantly. "I can bring Katie with me. I don't want you traveling alone."

"Are you sure?" I ask incredulously.

"I'm positive. You've been there for me through the roughest of times. At least let me be there for you now." His voice is strong and resolute.

"But what if Karma decides to sue you for custody?" I ask, worriedly.

"She won't. She doesn't want anything to do with Katie. The way she seemed to say it, having a child was just another thing that she couldn't handle right now. She wanted her fame and now she's going to get it."

I digest this information slowly. I'm still not sure.

"Jude... please?" he asks again.

"Okay," I finally say. "But why do you want to come with me so badly?"

"You know exactly why, Jude," Speid says softly, cupping my face in his hand. "You've been there for me when no one else has been."

"But your clothes, Katie's things?" I say. Suddenly, everything seems rushed.

"I brought some of Katie's things," Speid says, gesturing to a small suitcase on wheels. "I can just buy some things in Vancouver. I've got a toothbrush and a hairbrush and other than that, I'm fine for now."

"Okay," I say. "We've got about thirty minutes. Are you going to explain to Katie what happened to Karma or where we're going?"

"I guess I'll tell her that we're going out of town. But other than that, I'm not going to go into details right now. I don't want to just tell her that her mother is gone and isn't coming back, either."

* * *

Speid and Katie and Zach and I just got on the plane headed for Vancouver. Zach has never been on a plane before and he's really excited.

"Mommy, Mommy, when does the big plane fly?" he keeps asking me.

"Soon," I reply.

"Katie, we're going to be going up, up, UP into the air!" he squeals.

"I know, silly. I've been on planes _before_. _Duh..._" she looks at Zach like he's the silliest thing she's ever seen.

They are too cute. Speid wraps his arms around his daughter.

"Come on, sweetie. Let's try and get some sleep."

"But Daddy, there's gonna be_ turdgelence_ and I can't sleep with the _turdgelence!_" Katie says exasperatedly.

"Honey, it's _turbulence_, not _turdgelence_," Speid gently corrects her.

"I don't care. Mommy said I could call it _turdgelence_ if I wanted, so that's what I'm going to call it."

He rolls his eyes. The plane slowly takes off. After the turbulence subsides, Katie curls up to her dad and dozes off. His head slowly leans to the side as he falls asleep. They look so peaceful together.

"Mommy?" Zach asks me.

"Yeah, baby?" I reply.

"When's the baby going to be here?" he asks, putting one hand on my belly. The baby kicks against his hand.

"I can feel her _move_," he says, awestruck.

"You think the baby is a girl?" I ask him.

"Yeah. I think I want a sister. Katie's nice. Mommy, can Katie be my sister?"

I laugh.

"Honey, I don't think things work like that. You'll have your own new baby brother or sister soon."

"Okay. Mommy, marry Uncle Speid. I like him."

"Things just don't work like that, okay?"

"Mmnkay," Zach says. He cuddles up to me and slowly drifts off to sleep. I can't stop thinking about what he asked me though. I don't know why.

xXxJudexXx

* * *

_Please Review!!_


	9. how long can i wait?

Dear Journal,

We've just checked into this hotel in the middle of Vancouver. It's quite modest, really. Two queen sized beds and a TV with three working channels. It's nearly eight o'clock in the morning. Neither one of the kids want to settle down, either. Even Baby Whosit is kicking nonstop.

"Mommy, I'm hungry," Zach whines.

"Honey, let me get my things unpacked first, okay?" I tell him, unzipping our bags.

"But Mommy, I'm hungry _now_," he insists.

"Honey, I'm almost done. Then we'll go downstairs. They've got a continental breakfast."

"Eww... what's a continental breakfast? I just want pancakes," Katie says, pulling on Speid's jacket.

"I'm sure they've got pancakes, sweetheart," Speid tells her.

Zach flops down on the bed and starts crying.

"I WANT BREAKFAST!" he screams.

At this point, I'm so fed up, I've reached my breaking point. I drop my things and go to the bathroom and sit on the toilet and start crying. There's a knock at the door.

"What do you want?" I ask irritably, sniffing.

"Jude, are you okay?" Speid asks, walking in.

"I'm fine," I say shortly.

"No offense, but you don't exactly _look_ fine. I know you have to already be stressed and the kids aren't really making it easier..."

I look up at him and he kneels down in front of me and holds my hands.

"If things get too hard, just tell me. I can take care of the kids and let you go out and get some fresh air... or something. You need to relax. It isn't good for your baby for you to be so stressed out and worried about everything."

I pull my hands away from his and wipe my eyes.

"Thanks," I say quickly. I go over to the mirror and grab a washcloth and wipe my face. I look horrible. I'm not wearing any makeup, I'm dressed in the same style of baggy sweatshirts I've been wearing and my pajama pants have Care Bears on them. "I look horrible. God only knows what's going through my son's mind when he sees me looking this awful."

"Nothing's going through his mind. He's too little to comprehend what's going on," Speid said soothingly. "Besides, you look beautiful."

I stifle a laugh. "Thanks."

"Here. How about I take the kids out for ice cream or something and then you can get ready and stuff. There's a Marble Slab Cremery somewhere around here, I think. I saw it when we took the cab on the way here."

"Would you really do that?" I ask him. "You are _beyond_ amazing. I couldn't have done this without you."

"Well, half of that devilish duo is mine, so I might as well help out," he says, heading for the bedroom again. "Take this time as an opportunity to calm down, okay?" His tone of voice seems anxious and worried, yet I don't know why.

"Thank you," I say softly.

"Don't mention it," he says, going outside. I hear faint mumbling and then screams of joy. A couple of minutes later, the hotel room door closes and I'm left in peace.

Five minutes later, I leave the bedroom and make my way over to the bed, pull back the covers and flop down on the bed. I close my eyes, praying for sleep to come and rid me of this horrible headache that has become my life.

I wake up to the baby's insistent, steady kicking. I look down at my belly and smile.

"Baby's hungry?" I ask.

There isn't much food in the hotel room, so I make due with a peanut butter sandwich and tap water. I'm not really sure why Speid is taking so long to bring Zach and Katie back. I mean, it's nice to have some time alone, but I really need to be with my son. I need to get my priorities in order. We need to figure out a stable living environment, one where Tommy and his fiancee -- or whatever she is -- will have no clue of where to find us. With any luck, Tommy will never find out about this baby and he'll be forever separated from my son... and that's going to be a lot better for Zach in the long run, as well as this new baby.

Eventually, the baby's kicking dies down and I try to get some more sleep.

I'm awoken a couple of minutes later by the door opening and Katie and Zach coming into the room, looking considerably worn out.

"Thanks, Speid," I yawn.

He smiles at me. "No problem. If you need anything, just ask."

I nod.

"Jude, what do we plan on doing about _living arrangements?_ I need to figure out a place where Katie can have her own room, preferably someplace close to you and Zach. I want to know that you are doing okay... I need to know in case you go into labor or something and someone's not there..."

I nod once more, conveying my understanding. I slowly digest his input.

"We could all move in together," I say. "Just two friends and their kids living together... whatever works," I add.

"Yeah, okay," Speid says. "What kind of place? A house, an apartment, what?"

"I guess a three-bedroom house on the smaller side would be more convenient for the kids right now," Speid says. "A room for each Katie and Zach and a room for us and the baby will be sleeping in a bassinet for the first three months or so..."

"Yeah," I say, thinking.

"I saw a place on the way back from the ice cream shop. That's what took me so long... I figured maybe you might want to look at it."

"So that's what took you so long? You go caught up in house-shopping?" I tease. "Sounds like that must have been on your agenda the entire time, huh?"

Speid doesn't say anything. He turns to Katie and Zach and whispers something to them Katie runs over to the bed and climbs into it and Speid turns on cartoons for them.

"How's the baby?" he asks me.

"Just fine. It was kicking up a storm earlier, but since I ate and tried to go to sleep, it calmed back down some," I said. He nodded.

"I'm really excited about that house. I mean, it needs just a little bit of cleaning up and all, but that's nothing we can't do. Just regular housekeeping things and all. It's already completely furnished."

"Speid, how much is it going to cost?" I ask nervously.

"I've got it all figured out. The lady I talked to said that she understood our extenuating circumstances."

I nodded slowly.

"I'm going to go get a map of Vancouver. I'll be back here in about fifteen minutes. The TV show lasts for a half hour," Speid said, giving me a quick hug before dashing out the door.

I sigh. Getting adjusted here might not be as hard as I originally thought.

xXxJudexXx

* * *

_Please review. This was kind of a filler chapter. The next one should be more interesting. :D_

_Leanne_


	10. how strong do you think i am?

Dear Journal,

Today, I'm officially six months pregnant. I looked in the mirror a minute ago and I felt like a huge blimp. I'm surprised that no one has realized I'm pregnant, taken a picture of me, and sent it in to some tabloid. I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to get things stable for Zach and Katie and right now, I'm just exhausted. Speid keeps telling me to calm down, but I just can't.

We found a nice house just outside of Vancouver. It's a three bedroom one... two stories with a walk-out basement... just big enough for all of us. The basement's not completely finished, but it'll do until we can finish it out later... if we decide to. I'm not sure how long we plan on staying here. I've been getting antsy to start getting things ready for the baby, but I don't know whether or not it's a boy or a girl, so I can't exactly plan very well. I don't want to do the room in yellow, either. I'm thinking green... maybe a light green. But Speid'll have to paint it and I'm not exactly looking forward to asking him to paint the nursery. But, I can't because of the paint fumes and all. Maybe he'll just volunteer. I _hope _he'll volunteer.

We've been in Vancouver for two weeks and honestly, Speid has been my rock, my lifehouse, my... everything. It's hard to explain, but he just stepped in and filled that empty spot in our family. Zach's getting used to sharing the spotlight with Katie. I never dreamed it would be this easy. I never thought I would be able to get along without Tommy right by my side. And right now, I'm doing just fine. So fine, in fact, that I'm considering taking Speid with me and finding out the baby's gender. I've gathered a small list of names, just trying them out. I want the baby to have the same last name as Zach, just so things aren't confusing when they're in school and all. For a boy, I have Adam, Ryan, Benjamin, and Zane. For a girl, I have Aimee, Olivia, Audrey, and Juliette. I don't know yet. I'd like to find out the sex as soon as possible though because I have no idea what to name the baby. It took me forever and a day to decide what to name Zach. But with this baby, I want to use a French middle name, considering the baby is half French and all.

So, I guess Speid will have to come with me when I go to find out what the baby is. I don't want to go by myself. Besides, I think he'd probably enjoy being there. He hasn't seen the baby yet anyway. He keeps telling me that he can't wait for the baby to get here. The last two weeks have really changed him. I don't know what it is. He's just a completely different person. He's like a father figure in our little faux family. It's quite sweet, really.

Right now, I'm curled up on the couch, writing in my journal. It's late... around midnight. Speid comes over and sits next to me.

"How's the baby?" he asks.

"Fine," I answer. I can't help but notice how he smells so good right now. He just got out of the shower and his hair is messy.

"How are you?" he asks, looking me in the eyes. Our eyes lock for a second and I smile. "Fine. Other than feeling like a huge blimp and having to go pee all of the time."

"You're not a blimp. You're pregnant. You're carrying a child."

"I know," I say. "I just feel like a cow at the moment."

"Well, if you're a cow, you're the most beautiful cow I've ever seen," he says, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.

"Awww... Speid," I say, blushing. This isn't like him. Something's different. He's... flirting? I'm not really sure what to do. I mean, I really like Speid and all and he's a great guy, but... I'm not sure if I want to pursue a romantic relationship with someone who isn't my kids' dad.

I'm distracted as he puts his hand on my belly. The baby kicks and he smiles slightly. His hands are warm.

"Jude, can we... talk?" he asks.

"I'm sitting right here," I say. "Go ahead. Talk."

He gulps and I can tell he's nervous about something.

"Well, I think I'm... I don't know. Never mind. It's stupid," he says. "Forget I said anything."

I'm intrigued.

"Wait. What?" I say. "You can't just say you want to tell me something and then not tell me. That's not fair."

"Yes, it is. I can't tell you right now. It's not the right time. I'll tell you eventually, just not now."

"What's different from when we were younger and you could tell me everything? Why can you tell me 'eventually' and not now?" I ask. "I mean, I know I'm pregnant and I've got a kid, but--"

"You know that's not what it is, Jude. I love your kids like they're my own. And in every way that matters, they are."

"Then what is it? Do you not feel like you can confide in me. If you have something to tell me, tell me!" I say, getting frustrated.

"Jude, calm down, okay. It's not important. I'll tell you when the time comes, okay?"

"What do you mean by 'when the time comes?'" I ask, throwing my journal down on the couch and crossing my arms and glaring at him. "You're acting like there's an elephant in the room. I can't see anything. So why don't you tell me what's going on. Did you hear something from Tommy or that Holly girl? Did you read something?"

"No. Jude, I'm going to bed. I'll see you tomorrow morning," he says, heading for the bedroom. I sigh, knowing that until he tells me what's got him wound up tighter than a spool of thread, I'm not going to be able to get any sleep. I've always been like that.

The baby starts kicking.

I know I'm not going to get any sleep tonight

xXxJudexXx

* * *

_Please review. It gives me inspiration!!_

_Leanne_


	11. how much can i take of this?

Dear Journal,

It's around noon on a Sunday morning. Usually, I'd be at the recording studio or something related to my singing. Right now, I'm just sitting outside on the back porch, swinging on the big porch swing out here.

Speid keeps ignoring every comment I had related to our conversation the other night. He dodges it every time I bring it up. I think I know what he was going to say. I don't understand why he just doesn't come out and say what I think he was going to say.

Then again, with a kid on the way, I can't really get involved in a relationship right now... I don't need to mess my kids up any more than what they're already messed up.

But I want someone to take me in their arms and tell me that they love me. I don't see why I can't have that. Just because I messed up once, wanting someone to love me, does that mean that I can't take a chance with someone else? If Speid's the next one to fill the void in my heart, I'm willing to take that chance... And if he's not, then I'd like to say that I put my best foot forward and tried.

Since we moved into the new house last week, I've been constantly playing house. I'm the Mommy, Speid's the Daddy, and we have two beautiful, wonderful kids and another on the way. We sleep next to each other in the bed at night. I can't help but wonder what it would be like to have him take me in his arms... to hold me, to kiss away all of the pain that I've endured over the last two years. But I can't just jump into a relationship. No matter how bad I want to. I've got others to think about... not just myself.

I'm sick of being used. Tommy used me. Speid hasn't. Oh shit... here he comes. He's in the kitchen. He walks out and sits on the deck chair.

"Zach is down for his nap. Katie is eating lunch," he says, looking up at me before biting into his bacon and egg sandwich. "Are you hungry?"

"No," I say, shaking my head and leaning back down to write.

"You've been writing in that thing a lot lately. Are you okay?" he asks.

"Peachy," I say. My face doesn't suggest peachy, however.

"I don't think so. Something's really bothering you," he says.

I pause and look up. "Gee, I wonder what that could be?" I ask sarcastically.

"Jude..." he says, looking at me and sighing.

"You know, don't answer that," I say. "I don't need to know what's going on with you or what you were going to say the other night. I had an idea and now I guess I realize that that's not really what was going on. I guess I was feeling something that was entirely unrequited," I snap, getting up.

"What are you talking about?" he asks, looking utterly bewildered.

"It's not important!" I snap back again.

"Jude, calm down," Speid says, eyeing my belly warily. "You don't want to go into pre-term labor again..."

"Why do you care?" I ask, starting to get upset. I can feel my eyes starting to tear up. "You've never once considered that my feelings might be put in jeopardy by this living arrangement. You never considered the fact that I have a broken heart I'm mending and I need someone to look to to help me heal it. You never thought that that person could be you."

Speid's eyes suddenly open wide in understanding.

"You thought I was going to tell you that I loved you," he said softly.

"Yeah, well, you kind of made it look like that..." I said. "I hoped."

"You wanted me to tell you I loved you?" he asked, softly.

"I thought we had a connection," I said, feeling foolish.

"We do. We're the parents of two amazing kids... and another one soon to be here. But I never once considered a romantic relationship between the two of us. It's a possibility I never considered."

"Wait... a possibility?" I ask, squinching my eyebrows in thought.

He leans forward and takes my hand in his. He sits down beside me and kisses me, sending chills down my spine. This didn't happen when we had dated when we were kids... this was something else. The baby sent a hard kick to my abdominal wall and Speid placed his hands on my belly, continuing to kiss me. We separated and my eyes opened wide.

"Did you feel that?" I asked him, breathlessly.

His astonishment was apparent in his answer.

"Wow."

I leaned over and peered in the door and saw Katie snoozing on the couch.

"Come here," I said, taking Speid's hand in mine and heading upstairs to our bedroom.

He shut the door behind us and started kissing me again and we headed toward the bed. He straddled me and we continued our heavy make-out session. I reached for the bottom of his shirt and he stopped me.

"Jude, we can't," he said.

"Why not?" I asked.

"You're seven months pregnant. You're in your third trimester. I can't risk you going into labor early or hurting the baby or something..."

I sigh in frustration. "You're not going to hurt the baby. It's fine."

"No. It's not fine. I'm sorry..." he says, getting off of me and rolling to the side. "I want to, but I just... can't."

"This is insane," I say.

"Katie's downstairs and Zach's next door. What happens if they walk in on us?" he suggests. "I don't have an answer for why I'm on top of Mommy."

"Speid," I groan.

The tension between us is undeniable. I want him so bad right now, it hurts. And I know that this time, I can't get pregnant... I'm ALREADY pregnant. How much better could the situation get?

He kisses me one last time and gets off of the bed and goes downstairs, leaving me hopelessly turned on and lonely.

Sometimes, I hate being pregnant.

xXxJudexXx

* * *

_Please read and review. So many people are reading and not reviewing! It makes me slightly upset... :(_

_Love you guys!_

_Leanne_


	12. am i a rock

Dear Journal,

Kids. You've got to love them. My son is growing up so fast. Spending time with him and watching him grow is the best thing in the world. Just the thought that I'm bringing a new life into this world so soon is incredible. It's times like this, when I'm spending time with Zach, that I think of the new baby, and what he or she is going to look like. It's also times like this that I think of Tommy.

Since the other night, I've wanted to be with Speid so badly. But every time I look into my son's face, I see his father. How can you love two people at once? I've never fallen so fast for someone in my life, so this whole thing with Speid has me just a little bit scared. I was completely head over heels with Tommy, gave birth to his son, and I'm about to give birth to his _second_ child. Is it wrong for me to want him to be here, to witness his child's birth? It feels so wrong to want someone else... but I can't just wait around for Tommy to straighten up and take responsibility for the one child he knows he has, not to mention his unborn child. Besides, if he's really engaged to the redheaded girl... Holly? I don't know what to think. I don't know if it was a bluff or if he's really walked out on us for good.

Speid and I have been on a slightly closer level since the other day. We flirt back and forth, we smile, and we share a few tender moments here and there. Katie came over to me the other day and whispered, "I love you" in my ear. The little girl is so sweet. She's just like my own daughter. I couldn't really imagine life without her here.

Today, we're going to the park. The weather has finally gotten better... it's a nice sunny day outside. I bought Zach a soccer ball. He was watching a soccer game on TV and wanted to kick the ball like the big soccer players on TV. It was so cute. He calls it his 'occer baw.'

I guess I should go and get things packed. I'm thinking of wearing a green and white sundress. It's a maternity dress. I'm thinking of just letting the Vancouver paparazzi take the story and run and twist it into whatever they want and see what happens.

* * *

Katie is sitting in the middle of the grass, making a crown out of the little white blossoms on the ground. Zach's kicking his soccer ball across the grass. It gets closer and closer to Katie and her blossoms, so she just picks it up and throws it as far as she can to get it out of her way. But soon enough, Zach's back over there, kicking that ball again. She's so patient with him.

It feels weird, not having to worry about hiding my pregnancy. Giving up on hiding it has given me a new freedom. Speid sits besides me and occasionally puts his hand on my belly, feeling the baby kick. He mentioned a new name today... Gabriella Rose. I really like it. If the baby's a girl, I think I might name her that. But then again, I've changed my mind so many times already, it's not like I've made a decision. But I think he really wants the baby to be a girl. I haven't made my appointment to find out the baby's sex yet, though. But I really think Speid's getting anxious.

Katie flops down next to us.

"Mommy, when's the baby going to be here?" she asks.

I'm a bit taken aback by her calling me 'Mommy,' so I look at Speid.

"Is it okay with you if she calls you Mommy?" he asks.

"It's fine with me, I guess," I say. "But what about -- " A quick shake of his head tells me not to mention Karma and the fact that she abandoned their daughter. I turn back to Katie.

"The baby should be here in around two months," I say.

"Two whole MONTHS?" she sighs exaggeratedly. "That's forever!"

"It's not too long. We've still got to go and get some things for the baby," I explain. "We have to make room for him or her."

"Can we find out what kind of baby it is? Is it a boy baby or a girl baby?"

"I don't know," I answer gently. "Do you want to find out when I go to the doctor next?"

She nods vigorously.

"Can we name the baby Mickey? I like Mickey Mouse," she says.

Speid laughs.

"Honey, I don't think they name babies after cartoon characters," he says.

"Well, what about Donald after Donald Duck or Grandpa?" she says, squinching up her nose.

"No, sweetie," Speid says. "Do you want to go tell Zach to come back over here?" he asks, spotting Zach a few hundred feet away from us. "He's getting a bit too far away."

"Okay!" Katie says, skipping off to get Zach. We watch as she takes his hand and leads him back over to the blanket. They sit down and we start unpacking our lunch.

Now that the baby's getting closer and closer to being here, I'm getting nervous. I suddenly feel like I'm sucked into this family life with Speid and Zach and Katie... and deep inside, I still want Tommy to come back. How come I just can't accept the fact that he's gone and I'm better off for it?

Ugh. More later... I have to eat. Baby's kicking again.

Love always,

xXxJudexXx

* * *

_Don't forget to review!! I'm kind of in a bit of a stuck spot in this story... I've been trying to dig myself out of it. I know how I want it to end up, but I just don't know how exactly I'm going to get there._

_Expect a major character return in the next chapter or two... and no, it's not Tommy._

_Love you guys,_

_Leanne_


	13. or a rose

Dear Journal,

We're sitting in the doctor's office. Speid's got Katie and Zach in his lap. Today we're going to find out the sex of the baby.

Speid can tell I'm distracted. He keeps asking what's wrong with me. I can't exactly tell him that Tommy's been stuck in my mind since the moment I woke up this morning. I keep shrugging his questions off like they don't matter at all. I think he's becoming slightly offended, since he's not saying anything else.

Katie and Zach are amazed by all of the strange equipment in this room. The ultrasound technician comes in and patiently answers all of their questions. She turns to me and pulls up my shirt, revealing my huge belly.

She puts the clear gel on the doppler and then puts the doppler on my stomach and starts moving it around. The ultrasound technician stops for a second and looks at me.

"Have you seen a doctor since you got pregnant?" she asks me, frowning.

"Yes," I say, indignantly. "I've been two of three times."

"How many ultrasounds have you had?" she asks me, frowning in disapproval.

"One," I say, not understanding what she wants to know.

"Did they tell you that you're having twins?" she asked me.

"What?" I ask, floored. She can't be serious. One baby is plenty enough. I don't need two. If I had two, then I'd be completely lost... No, I _can't_ be having twins. It's impossible. I look over at Speid, to see his jaw sweeping the floor in shock.

"I take that as a no, then. It's not extremely common, but it does happen. One baby can be behind the other or in a different position to where it makes it difficult to see them both. Besides, your babies are on the small side, so it's easier for them to have gotten "lost" if you had your first ultrasound early in the pregnancy. Do you want to know the sexes?"

I nod silently. That was, after all, what we had originally come here for.

She moves the doppler around a little bit and smiles.

"What?" I ask her.

"Well, it looks like you're having twin girls," she says, smiling.

I close my eyes. This _cannot_ be happening. How come I can't just have a normal pregnancy like a NORMAL person? How come things have to be so complicated?

"Are they identical or fraternal?" Speid asks, looking at the moniter. He seems so calm. _How can he be so calm?_

"They're fraternal," the nurse says, smiling. "You two are so lucky! Now, there are extra risks associated with multiple pregnancies, including but not limited to low birth weight and pre-term labor. You went into early labor with your last child, so I would take things very carefully, okay?"

I nod, still shocked and disoriented. _Twins!_

I guess that explained why the baby had been moving around so much and had been so active. There were TWO of them. And, I guess it also explained why my stomach was so large. I mean, I wasn't showing until seven months with Zach... all of a sudden at the beginning of my seventh month, my belly just expanded. With this one, it's been a gradual growth... no wonder I feel as big as a house.

She set me up another appointment and Speid, Zach, Katie, and I all went out to the check-out desk to confirm our next appointment.

When we get out to the car, Speid leans over and kisses me.

"Twins! Can you believe it?" he asks.

I look down at my belly, placing one hand on it in disbelief.

"We're having twins. Twin girls. No, I can't believe it. I can't believe it at all. This is unreal," I say, still shocked.

"Mommy, are you having two babies?" Katie asks.

"Yes, sweetie," I answer. "You're going to have two little sisters!" I say, looking at Zach.

"But Mommy, I want a little brother!" Zach says indignantly.

Speid and I laugh. Poor Zach, he's going to have three sisters.

* * *

Speid and I are looking at baby names.

"What about Veronica and Vaeda," he asks, pointing at the V section in the baby book.

"Ummn... no," I say. "My kids are not going to have stripper names."

"They aren't stripper names," Speid says. "They're the names of the girls in The Spill Canvas song, _The Tide_."

"I don't care if it was the Virgin Mary's name," I say, "It still sounds awful!"

Speid sets the book down and picks up another one. "I still like Gabriella Rose," he says.

"That's cute. I like it, too. But what about the other one?" I ask.

"Hmmn... what about Gabriella and Isabella?" he suggests.

I look at him like he just scored a touchdown or ran a home run.

"Perfect," I say. "Absolutely perfect."

"We still need middle names," he says.

"Gabriella Rose and Isabella Grace," I say.

"Okay, then," Speid says. "Are we going to change them again?" he laughs.

"Who knows?" I ask, laughing.

There's a ring at the door and Speid gets up to answer it. He opens the door and gasps in shock.

"Hey you guys," Karma says. "I came back for Katie."

* * *

_Sorry this chapter is a bit short. I'm planning on doing something else for the next chapter, but I need to cut it off here. Please review!!_

_Leanne_


	14. or a fist

Dear Journal,

It has been a really long day. I don't know what to think anymore. Not only did Karma try to take Katie today, but I received a phone call from the one person I never wanted to speak to again. A lot of tears were shed today and I really didn't want to have to deal with it all. It was just a big mess.

When Spiederman saw that Karma was behind the door, he grabbed Katie and held her tightly.

"No, Karma," he said. "You can't take her. She belongs with me and Jude. You left us. You can't just pop in and out of our lives whenever you feel like it!" he insisted. "That's just wrong."

Karma rolled her eyes.

"Katie, sweetheart. Don't you want to come home with Mommy?" she baby-talked Katie.

Katie made a face. "I'm not a baby. And I'm already home. Jude is my Mommy now," Katie said, shrugging her shoulders. "I want to stay with Daddy and Mommy and Zach and the babies…" she said. "I love Mommy and Daddy and Zach and the babies!"

"Babies?" Karma asked, looking at me. She eyed my large belly in shock.

"So this is why you ran off to Vancouver," Karma said, laughing sarcastically. "You knocked up Jude Harrison. Good job," she congratulated Spied.

"No," Spied said. "I'm helping out a friend in need. But apparently, you wouldn't even realize helping someone out if it hit you in the face. You only care about yourself, Karma, and I'm sick of it." He let go of Katie and she ran back to me, burrowing her face in my lap.

"This isn't the last you'll hear from me, Vincent Spiederman. I'm going to get my daughter back if it's the last thing I do," she vowed. She slammed the door in Spied's face and Spied quickly locked it. Katie started crying. Spied came over and picked her up, trying to console her.

"Baby, it's okay," he soothed. "Don't cry," he said. "Everything's gonna be just fine."

"Daddy, I don't want Karma to take me back to the big city," she said. "I want to stay here with you."

"I know," Spied said. "I won't let her take you away from me, okay?" He started rocking her.

I heard a cry from the other room and I went to go pick up Zachary. Coming into his and Katie's room, I saw him shaking the bars of his crib anxiously.

"Mama!" he yelled. "No more nap!"

I laughed at my little boy. "Okay, okay," I said, picking him up. "No more nap."

The phone rang and I headed into the kitchen and answered it, Zach still on my hip.

"Hello?" I said nonchalantly.

"Jude, I know where you are," a very familiar male voice on the other end of the line said. "You can't hide from me for forever."

"What do you want?" I asked him. "You don't care about me or your kid, so why go through all this trouble to contact me now?" he asked.

"Who do you think drove Karma across the country to come find you?" Tommy asked. "She just told me what she saw. I haven't forgotten that you're pregnant. Very obviously pregnant, too. With twins. You and Spiederman have only been together for about two months or so. And we were last together that night about seven months ago. I just did the math. You're pregnant with my children and you didn't even deem it necessarily to let me know." Tommy was angry, I could tell.

"You were the one that left us," I said. "So don't sit there and throw excuses at me. Your _fiancée _came to my apartment and threatened to take my son from me. I'm sick and tired of dealing with your bullshit, Tommy! You keep running around, hot and cold, hot and cold. Can't you just tell me what you want already? Are you ready to step up and be a dad or what? Because if you're not, I'm starting my life over without you. You're soon going to have not one, not two, but _three_ kids to think about, not just yourself. And if you can't do that, then maybe you should just sign over your rights."

Tommy was silent for a bit. I listened to him breathe on the other line.

"Okay, so maybe I do want a life with you and Zach. And maybe I know I've made some stupid mistakes. But I broke things off with Holly a few weeks ago. It was a stupid move. She was never my fiancée and I don't know where she even got a ring to pass off to you. But I sincerely love Zach and I'm going to love the babies the same way. I'm sorry for messing up so much and I know that you probably aren't going to believe me at all. But this is all I have to offer. This is all I've got left. You can take it or leave it."

I sighed. Why did he have to make it this difficult?

"Tommy, you don't understand. What Zach and I have recreated here is something completely different from what we had back in Toronto. I can't just yank Zach away from everything… especially since he already loves Katie like a sister and Spied like a father… that's just too much for a little kid," I exclaimed.

"Jude, Spiederman is not Zach's father. I am. And you can't keep him away from me for forever. Just like Spiederman can't keep Katie away from Karma. Zach deserves to know his dad. He doesn't deserve to be fed lies about his family. He needs to know what it is and why it's like this. I love you, Jude. I always will. I just need to see my son. I want to be there for you when you have the twins. I'm sorry for being such a jerk. I don't know what was going through my head."

I felt the tears well up again. "Tommy, you know I love you. You've hurt me way too much for me to just over-look everything's that's happened. I don't know if our relationship can even stand on its own anymore. I've had to endure raising our son by myself and now I'm pregnant with twins. I've had to go through this entire pregnancy on my own because you weren't there. I was surprised that you even showed up when Zach was in the hospital."

"Jude," Tommy sighed. "Some of my actions may have been a little… illogical, but my heart was in the right place. Surely you should have seen that…"

I nodded. "Yes, but punching Spiederman in the middle of the hospital wasn't the brightest way to show how much you cared. Even if I had slept with him, then that still wouldn't have been ethical."

"Have you slept with him?" Tommy asked me abruptly.

"I don't see how that's any of your business," I said sharply.

"You haven't," Tommy said. "Otherwise, you'd be rubbing it into my face right about now."

I groaned.

"Can't we just have a civil relationship at least?" I asked him.

"No," Tommy said. "Not when you're the mother of my three kids. I want to marry you, like it's supposed to be. I want to look up baby names with you and decorate a nursery. I want to do what Mommies and Daddies are supposed to do."

"When did you get this sudden revelation?" I asked him suddenly.

"I had a good old talk with my mom," Tommy said. "I don't want to be like my dad. My dad left us when I was little. I don't want you to have to pick yourself up off of the ground like my dad did. I don't want Zach to feel like he has to be the man of the house growing up. I want to be there for my family."

My heart broke.

What was I going to do?

How could I possibly choose between Spiederman and Tommy?

* * *

_Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I've kind of lost motivation on this story. Hopefully the last line shows you my predicament. :/_

_Please review!!_


	15. or the breath at the end of a kiss?

Dear Journal,

I ended up calling Sadie back in Toronto. I explained my whole predicament to her. She ended up flying out the next morning to see me. Speid watched Katie and Zach and I drove to the airport to pick up my sister.

She came out of the terminal, smiling brightly at me. She dropped her carry-on at my feet and swept me up into an awkward hug.

"Gosh, Jude!" she said, looking me up and down. "You're getting so much bigger!" She placed her hands on my belly admiringly.

"Seven and a half months gone. Your nieces should be ready to meet you in a few weeks," I said, smiling.

"You look absolutely beautiful," Sadie said, grinning uncontrollably at me.

"Well, thanks," I said. "You look pretty snazzy yourself. How's life been?" I asked her.

"It's been alright. I've had to put up with a – well, never mind. You don't want to hear about that, now," she said distractedly. "Come on, why don't we go figure out where I'm supposed to get my suitcases?" she asked, heading back toward the terminal.

"Sadie, over here!" I called. Something wasn't right. Sadie was trying to avoid telling me something. She smiled embarrassedly and walked back in the right direction, me waddling away in front of her.

"Have you heard from Tommy lately?" I asked her.

Sadie blinked at me in shock. Not watching where she was going, she ran straight into a man carrying a vase of flowers. The vase went up into the air and Sadie caught it at the last second by the tips of her fingers.

"I am so sorry," she said apologetically. Sadie wasn't telling me something about Tommy. That was for sure. Every time I brought him up, she became exceedingly clumsy.

"Listen to me," I said, pulling her to a nearby bench and sitting down. "Tommy called me yesterday. He said he wanted me to give him another chance…"

Sadie groaned. "Jude, you're not seriously considering it, are you?" she asked me.

I didn't answer her. I put one hand on my belly and sighed.

"I know this has to be hard for you," Sadie said sympathetically. "But do you really think jumping into another insane relationship with Tommy is going to magically fix everything? How many chances have you given him? What about Spied and Katie? How are you going to rip Zach away from them without so much as an explanation as to why? How are you going to tell Spied you're leaving him?"

I couldn't help it at that point. The stress just seemed to get to me. I started crying. Sadie wrapped her arms around me and hugged me.

"Hey, it's going to be okay. I'm here. I'm going to help you through this, okay?" she said consolingly. "Just like I always do."

"M-Maybe," I stuttered, "M-Maybe it's b-better if Speid g-gets b-back together w-with K-K-Karma," I said, trying to keep from bursting into tears again. "I-I mean, K-Katie needs her mom. I'm not her mom. K-K-Karma is."

"Well, before you make any rash decisions, I should probably tell you something," Sadie said nervously. "Tommy came over two or three days ago."

I paused and turned around. "And you didn't call me immediately?" I asked, shocked.

"No, I didn't call you immediately. Because I didn't want you stressing out anymore. Jude, you need to calm down. All of this isn't good for you or the babies. You're getting close to term and you need to keep them in there for a little longer."

"Yeah, I know that," I snapped. "Why didn't you tell me about Tommy?"

"Do you want to know what happened or not?" Sadie asked me.

"Something _happened_?" I moaned. "Oh great. Just wonderful…"

"I wasn't going to let him in. But he was crying and he was really upset. He asked me where you went and he told me that he was so sorry for hurting you and that he had made so many mistakes… I couldn't turn him away. I let him inside and he told me that he knew he had treated you so badly and that he didn't deserve someone as wonderful as you are. I told him that if he really wanted you back, that he would have to make it up to you. I told him that you were in Vancouver. I guess he tracked you down. I didn't think that he would have actually brought Karma with him and tried to get her to take her daughter back. I thought Karma was in the States," Sadie explained.

"Apparently not," I said.

"Jude, I really do think he's trying to change. I know he's been a real jerk to you in the past…" she trailed off.

"Like coming back, telling me he missed me and then just using me for sex and knocking me up yet again? Then, ignoring me for throughout the pregnancy, punching Speid in the stomach, having Karma show up on our doorstep, and then calling me when I'm 30 weeks pregnant with his kids?" I hissed, trying to keep my voice low as a couple of older ladies passed us. "I think that qualifies as extreme jerk-doom."

"Okay, so it does," Sadie agreed. "But you can't ignore the fact that you're having his kids. Not Speid's. And that he's going to be a major part of your life for the rest of your life. He's not going to just want to ignore his three kids. He still loves you and he hates himself for being the stupid one to throw it all away because he was having some mid-whatever crisis. He was afraid to settle down. Now he's ready."

"Okay, so what if he decides to up and leave again? Then what? What do I do? Sit and home and knit until he returns safely? You know I'm not going to want to do that. I have a stable relationship right now with Speid. Why throw that all away?" I asked Sadie.

"I can't convince you on what you should and shouldn't do," Sadie said. "I can support you in your decisions, but I can't make them for you."

Gosh, Sadie makes me go crazy sometimes… I wish she could just make the stupid decision for me. I guess not.

* * *

  
Dear Journal,

Sadie has stayed with us for a week and a half.

I'm officially 32 weeks pregnant. Eight months. I feel so completely uncomfortable. I wish this pregnancy would just hurry up and end. I feel like a fat cow. Speiderman tells me I'm beautiful, but that really doesn't help.

I haven't really made a decision on what I'm going to do yet.

Sadie printed out a calendar and stuck it on the refrigerator. With every day that goes by, my reward is to check it off. It's actually pretty fulfilling. Believe it or not.

Sadie and I went out to pick up some stuff for the baby shower this weekend. Stuff to decorate with and things like that. We went to Babies R Us and started looking.

"Well, you're having twin girls, so you're obviously going to want a lot of pink," Sadie said matter-of-factly.

I froze in my tracks and turned to look at her.

"Pink?" I spat. "NO pink. They might be girls, but they're not going to be pansies."

"Okay," Sadie said, diving out of the way of an argument. "What color do you want for the baby shower?" she asked. "Purple?"

I shook my head and looked around for a second. "How about green?" I asked. "Something peaceful, tranquil… We can add dark purple napkins and light purple plates and stuff… And when we invite people to the shower, we can have them bring green and purple-themed gifts for the nursery," I said, smiling.

Sadie groaned.

"You realize how difficult that is going to be, right?" she asked.

"It's not going to be that hard. I'm sorry I don't want my kids looking like little Kelly dolls in a Barbie house," I said.

"That's the stupidest—oh my God. Jude, duck. Now." Sadie tried to pull me down behind a table of baby clothes and I fell. _Hard._

"Ouch!" I yelled as my butt hit the concrete floor.

"Shit," Sadie said, looking up over the top of the table. "Jude, get over here."

"Why are we suddenly re-enacting _Mission Impossible_ over here?" I groaned, getting up. I turned around and locked eyes with Tommy.

"I agree. It's rather intriguing. Found you, Sadie," Tommy said, grinning at her. He turned to me. "Are you okay?" he asked me, looking a little worried.

"I'm fine," I said, ignoring the blistering pain in my back.

Tommy looked at me strangely.

"What?" I asked him defensively.

"You're always beautiful when you're pregnant," he said. "You've never looked better."

I blushed.

"I feel like a fat cow," I said truthfully.

"That couldn't be further from the truth," he said. "You know, I meant everything I said on the phone. I really do want to be part of your life again. I was so stupid, before… I just wish I could show you how sorry I am…"

I bit my bottom lip in confusion.

"Why now?" I asked him. "Why now and not before?"

"Because then I was stupid and I didn't realize what really mattered. Someone opened up my eyes and made me see what I really wanted… what really mattered in life. It's not about remembering what you've lost. It's about looking forward to what you're going to gain. I was so stupid before. I've learned so much…"

He was standing really close to me by this point and he put both hands on my belly. I felt the babies give two really strong kicks. Looking at him, he felt them two.

"I want to be the best dad to these little guys ever. I want to be part of Zach's life again, too. And I don't want to ever see you cry again. I want to make you the happiest woman in the world." And with that, he kissed me.

I couldn't help but kiss him back. Old feelings that I hadn't felt in years enveloped me once more as we broke apart, standing in the middle of Babies R Us.

"I hope you meant girls," I said, opening my eyes to look at him.

"Girls?" he asked, confused.

"The babies. They're girls. Twin girls," I said, smiling at him.  


* * *

_Thanks for the reviews!!_

_They helped, as you can see. And, they also gave me the ambition to hurry up with another chapter. Yay!!  
_

_Once again, please review and I just might have another chapter out tomorrow or the next day. :D_


	16. how deep do you wanna go?

Dear Journal,

The past 24 hours have been the most eventful in the history of the world.

After leaving Babies R Us with the baby shower décor in tow, Sadie, Tommy, and I piled into Tommy's Hummer and headed back to the house. My back had been killing me all day long. I really needed a nap. I had decided that if Tommy really wanted to step up and be a dad, then maybe I should at least let him see his kid. Keeping Zach away from Tommy was doing more harm than good anyway.

I walked into the house to see Katie and Zach asleep on the couch. I motioned for Sadie and Tommy to be as quiet as possible as they put the bags on the kitchen table. I headed to the bathroom, and as I headed to the bedroom, I heard strange noises coming from the bedroom. I pushed open the cracked door just a little and heard _moaning_.

"_Oh! Yes! Speidy… harder! Deeper!_"

Speiderman was behind Karma, pounding in and out of her from behind. The bed hinges squeaked as he picked up his rhythm. Karma's eyes were closed, a look of pure ecstasy written all over her face.

I couldn't speak. I was in shock. I turned to back out of the room and Speiderman opened his eyes at the last second and he caught my eyes in his.

"Jude, I—" he stuttered. I turned away and quickly waddled back toward the living room, trying to keep my hurt and anger under control. The pain in my back was getting worse and worse.

"Jude?" Sadie asked, once I got back into the kitchen, "Where do you want me to put these balloons?"

I bit my bottom lip. I closed my eyes and the image of Speiderman thrusting in and out of Karma popped back into my head. I quickly opened them again and turned around to find somewhere to sit down.

"Jude?" Tommy asked. "Is something wrong?"

I looked back at him helplessly. I was at a loss for words. Tommy had Zach in his arms, the little boy still fast asleep with no idea his daddy was holding him.

"Sp-Speiderman," I stuttered.

"What about him?" Sadie asked, coming over to lead me to a kitchen chair.

"K-K-Karma," I said, numbly.

"What about her?" Sadie asked patiently.

"Upstairs," I whispered. "Fucking like rabbits," I moaned.

Sadie's eyes popped open.

"Right now?" she asked me.

I nodded. I watched her anger flare and she headed over to the staircase.

"Jude?" Speid's voice called down the staircase. "Jude?"

"What the hell were you thinking?!?" Sadie roared. "You worthless, stupid-ass piece of shit!" she screamed.

Zach and Katie immediately woke up. Zach looked around, and finding himself in his daddy's arms, he rubbed his eyes and blinked, looking shocked.

Katie jumped and immediately ran over to Speid.

"Aunt Sadie, leave my daddy alone!" she cried.

Karma came downstairs, wrapped in only a sheet. "Speidy, what's going on?" she asked innocently.

"You know perfectly well what's going on!" I yelled at her. I lunged for her, but Sadie held me back.

"Tommy, take Zach outside," she instructed.

Tommy nodded. He stuck Zach on his hip and the two of them walked out of the apartment.

"I thought you loved me!" I yelled at him.

"What's Quincy doing here?" Speid asked, looking from me to the door. "I thought the whole point of us being in Vancouver was because of him!"

"It was!" I yelled. "But now I see who the real jerk is! You don't care about me at all obviously! You disrespected me enough not only to play with my emotions, mess with my kid's head, but to also go fuck your ex _in_ _my bed!_"

"Jude, Karma and I are getting back together. It was just a misunderstanding," Speid said.

I paused, almost as if his announcement slapped me right in the face.

I felt a snap, like a rubber band against my stomach. I looked down and there was a large gush of clear fluid running down my legs.

"Jude," Speid started, his eyes wide. "Did your water just break?"

"So what if it did?" I cried. "It's not like you care! Go take your floozy wife and get out of here!"

"Jude, we need to get you to the hospital," Sadie said calmly.

"Mommy, are you having the babies?" Katie asked, looking scared.

"Katie, Jude's not your Mommy," Karma said. "I am. You need to start calling me Mommy again."

"But… I… _why?_" Katie asked, confused. She looked up at Speid.

"Jude, sit here for two seconds. I'm going to go get Tommy," Sadie said nervously.

"Should I call 911?" Speid asked, grabbing a nearby phone.

"NO!" Sadie, Karma, and I yelled.

"I'll be fine," I said. "The babies aren't coming yet. We've still got time."

Sadie dashed out the front door, leaving me with Karma and Speid. I felt a strong contraction this time. Bracing myself, I closed my eyes through the pain and gritted my teeth. Sadie ran back inside a few minutes later with Tommy and Zach and she ran upstairs to get my bag. I changed into some dry clothes and Tommy put Zach's car seat in his Hummer. He put him in the car and the bag in the middle of the backseat. Sadie helped me into the front seat and we pulled out of the driveway.

"Do you know where the hospital is?" Sadie piped up from the back.

Tommy groaned.

"Uhhh… It should be downtown, right? I mean, this is Vancouver. It's a pretty big city. How far out are we?" he asked, looking at me.

"I think we're about a good forty-five minutes from the city, Tommy," I panted as another contraction rattled me. "We're in Langley. If we head to White Rock, near the border, it's only twenty-five minutes away. Peace-Arch Hospital is right there."

"Good. You would know. Okay. Let's go. Jude, can you give me directions?" Tommy asked me.

"Yeah, I think so," I panted. "No problem."

"Sadie, start timing contractions, will you?" he barked.

"Yeah," Sadie said, pulling out her Blackberry.

"I want that!" Zach said, reaching for it.

"No, Zach!" Sadie reprimanded him. "I have to help Mommy. Mommy's having the babies!"

I was thankful that Zach realized the importance of the situation. He looked outside.

"Get on the Fraser and go left onto the Langley bypass," I calmly instructed Tommy. I was becoming increasingly aware that we didn't have much time left. I didn't want to scare either Tommy or Sadie, so I kept my mouth shut.

"Go down 56th Avenue," I said. "You're going to make a left on 152nd Street."

Tommy immediately floored the gas pedal and sped into the Emergency Lane.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Sadie screeched.

"Another contraction," I said. This one was particularly painful. Sadie looked down at her Blackberry. "Umn… four minutes, guys."

Tommy cursed.

He headed down 152nd, skipping every single red light once the coast was clear. We turned on 16th Avenue and arrived at the back of the hospital. Tommy parked the car in front and grabbed a wheelchair from inside. He helped me into the wheelchair and gave Sadie the keys. She hopped into the driver's seat and parked the Hummer.

I had never seen Tommy run so fast. He rushed me to the desk, signed me in, and the lady immediately called someone who got me into labor and delivery.

They dressed me in a robe and Sadie and Zach came in and took a few pictures on her Blackberry. Sadie took him to go get something to eat at the McDonald's down the street.

The doctor finally came in and checked me. I was eight centimeters dilated. I was right. I'd been feeling like I needed to push the whole trip to the hospital. No wonder why.

The doctor said the twins were in good position for a vaginal birth, which I was very happy with. But, it was too late to give me any sort of epidural. So, I had to give birth naturally, with no drugs at all.

I knew childbirth was going to hurt, but no one told me that it was going to hurt this much. I felt so much pressure in my pelvis and back that I thought it was going to break. I kept begging for another contraction so I could keep pushing and hurry and get it over with. By the time the first baby was born, I was completely worn out. I heard her cry and I couldn't help but smile.

"It's a girl!" the doctor said. "And she looks healthy!" She turned her focus back to me. "Just one more left, Jude. On the next contraction, I want you to push."

"Come on, Jude. You can do it!" Tommy said, squeezing my hand.

"I can't do it. I can't!" I cried.

"Jude, the second baby is right here. I can feel her head. Push! You can do this!" my doctor said encouragingly.

I squeezed Tommy's hand and pushed as hard as I possibly could. I summoned up all of my remaining strength and willpower. Tommy sat up near my head, trying to do his best to cheer me on as our daughters were born.

They were so small, from what I saw of them. But they were absolutely beautiful. The doctors whisked them off to the NICU before I even got to see much of them. They cleaned me up and I spent about an hour in recovery before I demanded that I get to see them. The nurse said they were still making sure everything was okay with them and running tests. That just made me mad. I wanted to see my daughters!

The first baby weighed four pounds, twelve ounces. The second weighed four pounds, two ounces. Two absolutely gorgeous, beautiful baby girls. And they are ours.

Tommy and I sat down on my bed soon after and went through a few baby books. I sighed. I wanted to pick out something we would both like. I mean, Tommy had gone out of his way to drive me down here and even though I wasn't sure where our relationship was going, he still deserved to have a say in naming the babies.

"Can we name one Rosalie? Rose for short?" he asked me. "That was Ma Mere's name."

I thought a bit. Tommy's mother had really had a lot of influence on him as a child. The name would be perfect for one of the babies…. It would have a lot of meaning.

"The older one?" I suggested.

"Sure," he said. "I like it. Do you?"

I nodded. "Yeah." I opened up the French baby book next to my thigh and started searching for French middle names. "Hmn… Amélie, Belle, Camille, Claire, Élise, Giselle, Jolie…" I started listing off.

"Rosalie Camille?" Tommy asked, his eyes twinkling.

"You like that?" I asked him.

He nodded. "I do. A lot."

"Okay," I said. "Rosalie Camille Dutois it is." I had to admit. It had a nice ring to it. It was completely French. And it meant 'Perfect Rose.' The perfect name for a beautiful little girl.

"So I guess that means it's up to me to name the younger one," I said.

Tommy grinned.

"I think you're going to have a hard time beating my name," he challenged.

"It's not _your_ name. It's Rosie's name," I sniffed.

I started flipping through the baby name book again.

"Violet?" I suggested. "Since Rosalie means flower? Violet is French," I suggested.

"Okay. If you want to name her that, then that's fine. Her middle name?" Tommy asked.

I bit my bottom lip in confusion. I had no idea on what to choose.

"Jolie, Isabelle, or Nouvel?" I asked Tommy. "I have no idea which to choose."

"Well, Jolie means 'pretty,' Isabelle means 'God is my Oath,' and Nouvel means 'new.' Which do you think fits better with Rosalie Camille?" he asked. "Perfect Rose and…"

"Well, if you want to think about it that way, then I think Violet Jolie would fit better. Perfect Rose and Pretty Violet," I said. "But does Violet Jolie Dutois sound okay?" I asked him.

"I think you just named our other daughter," Tommy said, smiling at me. "Rosalie Camille and Violet Jolie."

I smiled at him brightly. "Now, if I could just _see_ them. Just to make sure their names fit them," I moaned. "Just a quick peek..." I pouted.

"I'll see what I can do," Tommy said, swiftly kissing me on the cheek. "I'm also going to go find our son. I'm sure he'd like to spend some time with his Ma Mere," he smiled.

This is a side of Tommy I haven't seen in such a long time. I sincerely hope it's here to stay. I don't know how much more heartache I can take. I really hope I'm not setting myself up for even more.

More later.

Love,

xXx Jude xXx

* * *

_I worked hard on this chapter. I really hope it's everything you thought it'd be!!_

_Please review!!!  
_


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Instant Star, Angst, Hurt-Comfort