Glee Celebrity

**Author's Note**: This story has absolutely no redeeming value and would never happen in canon. It's basically Awesome!Kurt being even more awesome. Season Three AU in which Kurt is an aristocrat, a secret celebrity, and a shameless slut. Blaine, Mercedes, and Rachel bashing for the sake of it. Supportive!Will and slutty New Directions due to reasons. I hope you like it but, if you don't, I DGAF. Enjoy!

* * *

Will was quick to shepherd his students through Kennedy International toward the baggage claim, with Rachel infuriatingly taking point, bossing everyone about and lecturing them on proper airport etiquette. Will barely managed to refrain from snapping at the girl to mind her own business, quite sure that the others were above utilizing the buddy system to avoid getting swept up in the crowd while avoiding child traffickers.

He knew she was concerned and only trying to be helpful, but her persistence that only she was sophisticated enough to guide them outside to the shuttle was obnoxious and not a little condescending. He smirked as Rachel then shifted focus to join Mercedes once more in haranguing Kurt on his alternate lodging plans.

For three years he had been waiting for Rachel to send Kurt into full-blown nuclear meltdown, and he sensed the moment was imminent. He didn't even feel badly that he was so looking forward to it. He liked Rachel and respected her ability, but he had become increasingly impressed with Kurt over the years.

Kurt had matured into a fine, well-mannered young man. He had always been polite and reserved, but was too easily baited and would get snippy and waspish when challenged. Over the past several months, however, Kurt had settled and grown more comfortable in his skin, and the transformation had been remarkable to behold. His confidence was now organic, not feigned, and while he continued to defend passionately his choices and his person, he had learned to pick his battles and carried himself with a grace and dignity that was, quite simply, absent in the majority of his contemporaries.

Will had no illusions that he had in any way contributed to these developments, but he was content to have witnessed them. The preponderance of the work had been done by Kurt alone, but assisting him had been the two people who now walked along either side of him, guarding him like sentries: Sam Evans and Santana Lopez.

Will didn't know how their relationship had evolved, and, though curious, he would never ask. He had never been part of a polyamorous relationship and was thus ignorant of its nuances, but he certainly couldn't argue with the results. However Kurt, Sam, and Santana had gotten together, it had done nothing but good things for all three of them, so Will had wished them well - publicly - and became, along with Sue Sylvester and Emma Pillsbury, one of their staunchest supporters on the faculty.

Among the students, their champion was, surprisingly, Noah Puckerman.

Will didn't even want to know.

He looked over his shoulder and snickered with glee as Sam and Santana were growing more and more thunderous at Mercedes and Rachel's whining, while Kurt himself looked perfectly serene.

Will knew this was the calm before the storm, and he had a front-row seat.

"So I guess you think you're too good to stay with the rest of us," Mercedes huffed.

"This isn't about Kurt's vanity, Mercedes," Rachel chastised, "but team unity. If we are to do well at Nationals and assume our rightful place as victors, we need this time together to coordinate our efforts and grow and share emotionally as a group."

"Let me kill her, Kurt," Santana begged. "We can just leave her body on a sidewalk. It's New York. No one will care."

He patted her arm. "Sweetie, I've explained this. Committing a crime here does not mean Christopher Meloni will handcuff you, throw you into the box, and interrogate you."

She pouted.

"Above answering me now?" Mercedes asked archly.

"Your question doesn't dignify a response," Kurt drawled. "Mercedes, I truly do not understand why you persist in your attempts to antagonize me. They never work and only make you look like a child."

Her eyes widened and her lip curled. "I can't believe we were ever friends."

"We obviously never were," Kurt said. "A true friend wouldn't turn on someone because they found love."

A vengeful Blaine couldn't resist the opportunity to interrupt. "She never objected when we were together."

Kurt sniffed. "Actually, she did. Several times, in fact. She just didn't do it in front of you."

Blaine startled as Mercedes flushed.

"You're hateful," she seethed. "You hurt me, Blaine, and Brittany, and you don't even care!"

"Don't bring me into this," Brittany said, her face stony. "It has nothing to do with me."

Mercedes rolled her eyes. "Please. We all know you would've dumped Artie if you thought there was a chance you could've gotten back together with this bitch," she spat, thumbing in the direction of Santana, who merely raised a brow.

And that's when Kurt had had enough.

He stopped right in the middle of the thoroughfare and calmly turned to face Mercedes, who abruptly realized she had bitten off more than she could chew.

"I want you to listen to me very carefully," Kurt said, his voice quiet yet filling the immediate area. "One, do not ever refer to Santana in that manner again. Two, do not attempt to draw others into our arguments; you should have realized by now that it never works. Three, the next time you start something with Brittany, I'm going to let Santana finish it. Four, did it even cross your mind that your casual dismissal of Artie and Brittany's relationship was hurtful and cruel? Out of all the couples in New Directions, aside from Mike and Tina, they have been together the longest in terms of consecutive dating. You claim that I'm hateful, but no one is more hateful than you."

Finn nodded furiously as Puck smirked.

"This is the last time I'm going to address this," Kurt added, "so I highly suggest that you pay attention. Santana and I are together because we love each other. We didn't plan on it. It took the two of us by surprise far more so than it did anyone else. Regardless, it's not going to change, so you need to accept it once and for all."

"Damn it, Kurt," Mercedes exploded, "for the last time, I am not jealous of the two of you!"

"I never said you were. Your crush on me was fleeting, and never have I believed that your objections to my relationship with Santana were motivated by jealousy. They're based solely on prejudice and double standards."

"Now what the hell does that mean?" she demanded, hands on her hips.

"You accepted my relationship with Blaine, as you did Santana's with Brittany, but that doesn't mean you're not prejudiced, Mercedes. Because I identify as gay and Santana identifies as lesbian, you believe that we're somehow betraying our community by being together. I find this extremely offensive, especially considering you're not a part of that community, other than as an ally. I am grateful for allies, but your allegiance is conditional upon people behaving the way you feel they should. Santana and I fell in love with each other because of the people we are, not our biology.

"You support marriage equality and the right for people to love whomever they wish, so long as it falls within the parameters of what you deem acceptable. Who are you to decide what is and what is not acceptable? We don't require your approval, Mercedes. We've never asked for it, and we never will. I personally don't care if you ever accept us. You severed our friendship not because I fell in love with a woman, but because I didn't fall in love with a man. You would deny me the person who makes me happy because you don't understand why she does. I don't care. I don't have to explain myself to you and, frankly, I'm all out of fucks to give."

Santana beamed widely as everyone gasped at his invective, crossed her arms over her chest, and was smug in her triumph.

"Why won't you just admit that you're bisexual?" Mercedes shrieked.

"Why do you feel the need to label me?" Kurt countered. "I'm not bisexual, Mercedes. The only woman to whom I have ever felt attraction is Santana. No one else. I sincerely doubt that will ever change. If, for whatever reason, Santana and I were to go our separate ways, I cannot even imagine having a relationship with another woman."

"Hey, here's a question, Aretha," Puck interjected. "You know for a fact that I've banged a few dudes, but you're not screaming at me to call myself bi." He cocked his head. "Why not?"

"You're not anything," she sneered. "You sleep with everyone."

"Didn't sleep with you."

Santana threw back her head and cackled.

"You've only had relations with men in the context of threesomes which included a woman, Noah," Rachel said.

He looked at her and quirked a brow. "How do you know?"

Her mouth fell open and she discovered she had no answer.

Puck shrugged. "You only know that I had a threesome with April Rhodes and Rutherford, and another with Brittany and A-Rex. Hey, come to think of it, how come Artie's not getting the shit you give Hummel? Why aren't you calling up Matt and demanding he conform to your rules?"

Artie nodded. "Good question."

"Because of me," Sam said quietly. He turned to Mercedes and glared. "This is all about me. Don't pretend otherwise. You may not be jealous that Kurt fell in love with a girl who isn't you, but you _are_ jealous that I fell in love with Kurt and Santana."

Mercedes stiffened and turned away.

"I didn't make you to go to that party, Mercedes," Sam continued. "I didn't make you cheat on me with some random dude from Carmel whom you didn't even know. In fact, did you ever get his name? I never forced you to keep quiet about it - that was your decision - and when I found those pictures on Facebook, you lied, even though the proof was staring you right in the face."

Kurt and Santana moved to wrap Sam, whose cheeks were red with fury, in their arms.

Mercedes glared at them, shaking her head with disgust at the embrace. "And you just had to run right into their arms, didn't you? You couldn't forgive me. You couldn't even be bothered to talk to me. You let them do your thinking for you, because you sure as hell have never been able to think for yourself!"

Sam gathered in a deep breath, but a quick kiss on the cheek from Kurt settled him.

"And I'm the one who's hateful?" Kurt asked Mercedes. He shook his head. "That's you. Sam didn't cheat on you with us, Mercedes. We got together long after he left you. I never cheated on Blaine. He cheated on me with Karofsky, despite being the first person to know everything Karofsky did to me. _That_ was hateful. Where was all of your righteous indignation over that? You defended him, not me, your supposed best friend. You even accused me of driving him to it."

"You did," Blaine hissed.

"How?" Santana barked. "Because he said no when you tried to force yourself on him in a car outside some lame club? Fuck you, hobbit." She clucked her tongue. "Oh, that's right. That's Karofsky's job now, isn't it? So what the hell is your problem? Tink doesn't want you, and you have your own damn boyfriend, so build a bridge and get the fuck over it, because Kurt got over your flat ass a long time ago!"

"Tried to force himself..." Finn softly repeated, his brow furrowed.

Then, the light bulb went off.

"You tried to rape my brother!"

Will and Puck were barely able to keep Finn from launching Blaine into space, though they weren't really sure they even wanted to, while Artie had to grab Brittany around the waist and haul her into his chair before she could strike.

"Easy, Black Mamba," he whispered.

Rachel was shaking her head dumbly as Quinn pushed past her and aligned herself with Kurt, Sam, and Santana.

"Are you okay?" she whispered to Kurt, who nodded.

"You never told me," Mercedes said quietly.

Kurt sighed. "You never asked. You just assumed, as you always have. You've always been quick to think the worst of me, Mercedes. You took his side and you never asked for mine. That told me, once and for all, everything I needed to know about our friendship."

He shook his head, done with her, and turned to Finn. "Blaine did not try to rape me, Finn. He was drunk and very stupid, and he lost control for a moment. If he had seriously tried to hurt me in that way, I would've called you and asked to help me hide his body, because, of course, I would have killed him."

Finn growled and nodded, throwing Will and Puck off him.

"Blaine apologized and I forgave him," Kurt continued, "but when I still refused to sleep with him, he turned to someone else and had the audacity to blame me when I confronted him. That, I will never be able to forgive."

He then looked at Rachel. "I am sure you now understand why I do not wish to share a hotel floor with either Mercedes or Blaine. It's difficult enough at school. I shouldn't be forced to bear their company on my own time. I feel that I have been very fair in my dealings with them as far as glee club is concerned. I haven't caused any scenes, nor have I thrown any fits. I have been nothing less than professional, and I would appreciate it if you would respect that."

She nodded. "Of course," she said softly.

She didn't bother to apologize, because she knew it wouldn't be welcome, for which she couldn't blame Kurt in the slightest. She, too, had rushed to judgment and had defended Blaine zealously against Kurt's alleged slights. She hung her head. She'd been such a fool, and it had cost her the tentative friendship she had once shared with him.

Kurt suddenly had the air knocked out from him when he was hugged to within an inch of his life by his brother.

"You should've told me," Finn whispered.

Kurt turned around in Finn's arms and patted the boy's back. "I didn't want to put you in the middle of it. I've been trying not to do that, remember?"

Finn's eyes softened. "It would have been okay this time." He bit his lip. "Are you okay? Really?"

Kurt nodded. "Really. I'm not angry at Blaine anymore, Finn. We just didn't work out. It happens."

Finn nodded in kind. "You're much better off with Sam and her."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "You can say Santana's name, Finn."

Finn shook his head fearfully, eyes wide. "Words have _power._" He leaned down. "I'll make sure Rachel's crazy is contained," he whispered in Kurt's ear.

"Thank you," Kurt softly replied, placing a gentle kiss on Finn's cheek.

Finn beamed down at him and scampered away.

"Well!" Kurt exclaimed. "Let's be off, shall we?"

He took Sam and Santana's hands in his own and led the charge.

Half of those remaining glared at Blaine, while the rest glared at Mercedes.

"Now that you've aired all of our dirty laundry in the middle of fucking New York, can we go now?" an irate Puck demanded. He began pushing Artie's wheelchair, and Brittany, still in her boyfriend's lap, smiled up at him.

Slowly, the others began to follow.

"You know this can't go unpunished," Quinn murmured to Tina.

Tina smiled sweetly at her. "Oh, don't worry. It won't."

Mike shuddered and was glad she was on his side.

Will sighed. "I don't know why they haven't made a show about us. Our drama is surely better than any soap opera."

* * *

Once they were all outside, they waited for their transportation to arrive.

Again, Will experienced misgivings about allowing Kurt, Sam, and Santana to go off their own. He really had no choice in the matter, however, for although this was a school-sponsored event, they were all of age and could decide for themselves where they wished to stay, especially as they were paying for the privilege. Besides, he knew that Kurt had been to New York several times since their last Nationals visit in order to scout colleges. He knew where to go and where to avoid, and no one would be messing with Santana.

"We'll be fine, Mr. Schuester," Kurt said, smiling at him. "Really."

"I know," Will acknowledged, "but I would appreciate it if you would check in with me a few times a day when we're separated, just for my own piece of mind."

Kurt nodded. "Of course."

"Where are you staying?" Rachel asked.

"The Waldorf-Astoria."

Puck whistled. "Damn."

"Seriously?" Quinn asked, eyes wide.

Kurt nodded, flushing slightly. "My grandmother maintains a suite there, and it's mine to use whenever I'm in town."

Santana was able to quell her excitement, but only just. She had money and she had traveled, but still...it was the fucking Waldorf-Astoria!

Puck sauntered over toward Kurt and draped an arm across the boy's shoulder. "So, how many rooms did you get, Princess?"

Kurt raised an eyebrow. "The suite has two bedrooms, as well as an office and library, but we only need one bed, Noah, as you well know."

Puck waggled his eyebrows. "Can I drop by later?"

Kurt smirked. "I don't think so, Noah. As charming as you are, you know very well the three of us are exclusive."

Puck pouted. "Aw, come on, Princess. Lopez and I were a thing, and Evans and me hooked up once. I was just hoping to complete the circuit."

"Hope springs eternal."

Puck heaved a dramatic sigh.

"You and Sam?" a surprised Finn asked Puck, who nodded proudly.

"We just made out," said an uncomfortable Sam. "Nothing more than that."

"When was this?" asked an amused Quinn.

Sam shrugged. "After you and I broke up, but before I starting dating Mercedes."

Thankfully, Sam was saved from further interrogation when a stretch limousine pulled up to the curb and a chauffeur hurried out to open the back door. A strikingly handsome man emerged from the vehicle, dressed in a suit which screamed money and barely hid his toned physique. His blond hair, contrasting nicely with his tanned skin, fell in loose curls. His navy blue eyes were piercing and appeared to take in the entire scene.

Kurt smiled pleasantly and nodded his head. "It's good to see you again, Gerard."

Gerard bowed. "Lord Hummel, I welcome you back to New York," he said formally, a slight trace of a Parisian accent making his words soft and musical.

"_Lord_ Hummel?" demanded an intrigued Santana.

Kurt blushed furiously. "I inherited the title on my eighteenth birthday. It holds no real power, so let's not make a big deal of this, please."

"Oh, I'm going to make a _huge_ deal out of this! You're _nobility_?"

Gerard was delighted by Kurt's embarrassment. The boy was such a self-effacing thing, though he would be considered exceptional by any definition of the word. Intelligent, attractive, wealthy, and talented, Kurt Hummel was a very desirable specimen, and Gerard, though several years older, was somewhat smitten. He would never be inappropriate with the young man, but did enjoy tweaking his nose.

"Lord Hummel's proper title is Viscount de Delacroix, but the appropriate address is _Lord_," he said. "As Lord Hummel explained, his peerage is inherited, and while the French aristocracy holds very little power in the political arena, it is nevertheless respected. He is, as you say, _Mademoiselle_ Lopez, nobility."

The mouths of Will, Rachel, Mercedes, and Mike were all but scraping the sidewalk.

Finn, Brittany, Artie, and Tina looked unsurprised.

"This is some _Princess Diaries_ shit!" exclaimed a floored Puck.

"Why you didn't tell us?" Sam asked Kurt.

Kurt flushed more deeply. "It just didn't seem important. It's only a title. My mother's family is old money in France, and the title was held in trust for me by my grandmother until I reached majority." His eyes pleaded with Sam. "Please don't be upset."

Sam shook his head. "I'm not, just surprised."

Santana nodded. Of course, she couldn't wait to update her Facebook with this essential information. Everyone who had ever hurt, belittled, or bullied her baby would be made to eat crow, and she was going to serve it up with a smile on her face.

Gerard cleared his throat. "Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Gerard Beauclerc, and I am Lord Hummel's concierge during his stay at the Waldorf-Astoria. It is my privilege to assist Lord Hummel and his partners with anything they require while in New York. Show tickets, dining reservations, museum passes, and the like. Please do not hesitate to ask anything you wish of me. I am at your complete disposal."

As far as Gerard was concerned, he meant this literally. It was his responsibility to provide any service Kurt and his partners should demand of him, and he took his job very seriously. Lord Hummel was an exceedingly attractive boy, and Mademoiselle Lopez a stunningly beautiful young woman. He could only assume the other male in their party was _Monsieur_ Evans, who was absolutely delicious.

Gerard was more than happy to fulfill _any_ desire they might have. His mouth watered at just the thought and he suppressed a shiver. After all, one did not encounter a true _ménage à trois_ every day, and he was more than a little intrigued and envious. The beauty this trio radiated was stultifying.

Sam began blushing in concert with Kurt, while Santana appeared as though Christmas had just come early - and a naughty Christmas it would be.

Will was made supremely uncomfortable by the man's innuendo and thus even more reluctant to have Kurt, Sam, and Santana out from under his watchful eye.

Gerard snapped his fingers. "James, please see to the luggage of Lord Hummel and his companions."

The chauffeur rushed to obey the command and began loading the baggage into the trunk of the limousine.

"Shall we go?" Gerard politely inquired.

"Kurt..." began an uneasy Will.

Kurt looked at him and smiled. "Really, Mr. Schuester, we'll be fine. Gerard might be a bit of a flirt, but he is also extremely professional. He has always taken good care of me. I trust him completely."

Will couldn't help but notice Gerard's eyes soften at Kurt's declaration. It never ceased to amaze him how so many people so often fell under Kurt's spell, though Kurt himself had yet to realize it. His reluctance was only moderately quelled, but he knew he had little recourse. He sighed.

"All right. You have your itineraries. I expect you to check in with me tonight, and I'll see you tomorrow morning at the rehearsal hall." His eyes narrowed. "No exceptions."

Kurt nodded. "Of course, Mr. Schuester."

Santana went to say goodbye to Brittany, as well as Artie, whom she had eventually accepted and with whom she had even forged something of a friendship. Sam went to say goodbye to Mike and Puck, his best friends.

Finn enveloped Kurt in another bone-crushing hug. "I'm going to miss you so much," he whispered.

Kurt laughed. "It's only for a few days, Finn, and we'll see each other all the time!"

Finn shook his head, which was buried in Kurt's neck. "College," he mumbled. "It's so close, and you'll be so far away."

Kurt pulled back and looked into Finn's eyes. "I will always have time for my brother. You only need to call, and I'll be there."

Finn's eyes filled with tears and he gave Kurt a watery smile. The day their parents had married and made them a real family was the best day of his life. As much as he missed his real dad and wished he had survived, Finn loved Burt and adored Kurt. He just wished he had more time with them.

"Bye Kurty!" Brittany screeched, pushing her way between the brothers and throwing her arms around Kurt's neck. It had been difficult for her to accept the relationship between Kurt and Santana, but she loved both of them and wanted them to be happy, like she was with Artie. And after she had seen how some people in Lima had treated them, especially when Sam was added, she had vowed to kick the ass of anyone who hurt her dolphin.

Blaine would soon know _pain_.

Finn left them alone, knowing Brittany and Kurt enjoyed their privacy. He crossed over to Rachel.

Kurt laughed. "I'll see you tomorrow, Sweetness," he promised, kissing her cheek. He then put his lips to her ear. "You make sure you take good care of Artie."

"Oh, I will," she breathed. "You know I always do."

He smirked. "I love it when you give me the details, though, especially when you tell me how you ride that big, thick cock of his."

Brittany shivered and moaned quietly. She _loved_ how perverted Kurt was. No one else really knew, outside of her, Artie, Tina, Mike, Santana, and Sam - and maybe Puck - that Kurt was so naughty.

Very naughty and _very_ sexual.

She would always be a little sad that she'd never got to have sex with him, but she'd seen him having sex with Sam and Santana, and he was really good at it. He liked when she and Artie watched them, and he liked watching her with Artie.

"Don't worry," he purred. "We won't leave New York without some group sexy times."

She bit her lip and nodded, eyes glazed. She barely managed to refrain from humping him right there in the middle of the Big Potato.

Kurt arched a brow. "I want you to think about what you want to see," he hissed. "Sam plowing into me, making me scream?" He clucked his tongue and shook his head. "Oh, but you like it when I fuck him, don't you, Brit? When I throw him onto the bed, yank his jeans right off his body, put his ankles on my shoulders and sink deeply inside of him. That's what you like, isn't it, Brittany?"

She nodded.

"When I'm balls deep in Sam's tight ass and he's moaning and panting like the bitch he is whenever I'm inside him? It gets you so wet, doesn't it, sweetheart? You love to hear him grunting my name, choking on his excitement, desperate to touch every part of my body."

He delivered all of this in an even, pleasant, _quiet_ voice. No one else could hear what he was saying. Not a movement on his face betrayed his words. It looked to be nothing more than a lovely conversation between two good friends.

And that's why it was so damn hot. She loved that Kurt knew he was driving her wild and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. He loved having this power over her, and she loved giving it to him.

"Bwuh," she croaked.

Kurt nodded happily. "You love when I grab his hips and push my way inside, his very flesh surrendering to my powerful cock, giving himself to me so freely - over and over and over again. You love when he begs me to come on his face or shove my cock down his throat and let that talented mouth, those lush lips, milk me dry until I'm completely spent and I all but pass out on top of him."

"Kurt, _please_," she whispered, her voice high and thin and very shaky.

He patted her shoulder. "I want you think to think about that. I want you to tell Artie all about it. I want you to suck his dick as he thinks about Sam sucking mine as my face is buried in Santana's wet snatch." He cocked his head. "Are you close, darling? Are you about to come?"

She nodded frantically.

"Good," he seductively cooed, the pad of his thumb gently tracing her collarbone. "I love it when you come thinking about me in bed. Such a dirty girl you are, Miss Pierce. My beautiful, filthy girl." He beamed. "And before this trip is over, you're going to watch as Sam and I enter Santana at the same time and fuck her until she forgets her own name."

Brittany shuddered, her head dropping as her cheeks flushed and sweat broke out across her brow.

Kurt continued to knead her shoulder and smiled happily at her. "Good?"

She nodded. "Thanks, Kurty!"

"Anything for you, Sweetness. Now you wait right here, all right? I'm going to get Artie hard, and then I want you to jerk him off on the way to the hotel. Over the pants only, yes?"

She nodded and skipped over to join Finn, Rachel and Mr. Schuester, the latter two of whom were looking at her and Kurt with suspicion. She winked at Sam and Santana, who smirked lecherously at her.

Quinn, who had been standing with them, suddenly realized what Kurt had just done. "Oh, my god."

Santana nodded. "Yeah, we call him that sometimes," she said, not even bothering to deny what Quinn was thinking.

Gerard discreetly cleared his throat. "I'll just wait in the car, shall I?"

Sam nodded. "Thank you, sir."

"Oh, please, call me Gerard."

Santana leered. "We might just end up calling you many things."

He smiled politely. "As I said, I am at your beck and call. How you utilize my services is, of course, up to you." With that, he withdrew into the limousine and patiently waited.

Sam snickered. "Man, that dude's got it so bad for Kurt."

"You mean _Lord Hummel_?" Quinn drawled.

"That is so _hot_," Santana moaned. She looked at Sam and smirked. "Kind of puts a whole new spin on the Master and His Serving Boy game, doesn't it?"

Sam's eyes dimmed as he went off to his Happy Place.

Quinn studied both of them with fascination.

Meanwhile, Kurt had crossed over to Artie. Puck attempted to move away to give them space, but was held in place when Kurt's hand locked onto his wrist.

"You're not running off just yet, are you, Noah?" he asked. "Don't you want to say goodbye?"

Puck blinked. "Uh."

"I just need to tell Artie some things, first."

Artie bit his lip and looked up at Kurt with huge, limpid eyes.

Puck stared at the both of them. "Okay," he said slowly.

Kurt grinned. "Guess what, Arthur? I just made your girlfriend come on a sidewalk in the middle of New York City." He leaned closer. "How'd you like me to do the same thing for you?"

Artie's tongue poked out and swept across his lower lip.

"What?" hissed a baffled Puck.

"Well, Noah," Kurt began, "you know that Artie is my best friend and has been ever since we were children, yes?"

Puck nodded.

"Best friends know each other _very_ well. So while you may have slept with him, I know what he needs, and right now, Artie needs to get so hard he can barely function, because I ordered Brittany to jack him off on the shuttle ride to the hotel."

Puck stared as his mouth fell open.

"Now, the question is how best to go about this?" Kurt said. "I could, of course, repeat to Artie everything I just said to Brittany, but that's so boring. I think it best if I tailor new material to Artie's specific cravings."

"C-Cravings?" Artie repeated.

Kurt nodded merrily. "Indeed! You know that Brittany most enjoys watching me fuck Sam, but it's the other way around for you, isn't it, Artie? You like watching Sam fuck me."

"Oh, _shit_," Puck moaned.

Kurt swiveled his head and gave Puck an innocent look. "Oh, is that something you would enjoy, as well, Noah?"

"Fuck _yes_," Puck hissed through clenched teeth. His eyes darted around and he noticed that their carts of luggage were being loaded into some big ass van as Schue and Rachel supervised. Quinn had headed over under the pretense of helping, but he was positive she was only doing it to distract them and Finn from Kurt and his evil machinations. He then realized that Tina and Mike were watching him very closely. Blaine was texting someone on his phone, most likely one of the Warblers; the group was also competing at Nationals and would be staying at the same hotel.

Kurt's eyes lighted. "And how do you imagine it, Noah? Artie especially likes it when I'm on my hands and knees and Sam takes me from behind, roughly, without any preparation. He just forces his way inside and fucks me hard and fast until his knees give way and he collapses on top of me." He paused. "Not that it slows him down, of course. He just keeps on giving it to me. I find I quite enjoy it, especially when he wedges his knees between my legs and opens me as far as I can go."

"Kurt," Artie whined.

"It's all old hat, of course," Kurt blithely continued. "Perhaps it's time to spice things up. What do you think, Artie? Perhaps you'd like to watch Santana and me fuck your girlfriend, or maybe you'd like to watch Brittany and me fuck Santana? I think you'd enjoy it."

"I would," Artie groaned.

Kurt nodded. "Did you know Santana's a squirter, Artie? She gushes when she comes. I love it. I love knowing that I can do that to her, the power I have over her." He smiled. "You love to watch me fuck, don't you, Artie? Whether I'm driving or just riding along, you don't care, as long as you can watch."

"I love watching you," Artie softly admitted.

Kurt's eyes softened. "And I love you watching me."

"Jesus Christ," Puck moaned. "Have you two fucked each other? Because that would be really, really hot."

"Too weird," both Kurt and Artie said.

"We've grown up together, Noah," Kurt added. "We know everything about each other, and while we might get turned on watching each other, we have no real interest in actually having sex with one another." He shook his head. "No, Noah, you're the only man with whom Artie's been."

Puck felt tingly at those words.

"I wouldn't object to you watching me, Noah," Kurt said. "Neither would Sam and Santana."

"Can I fuck you?" was Puck's immediate question.

"No," Kurt said. "That is something we do not do. We enjoy having people watch us, but they can't participate. We only have sex with each other, no one else."

"Damn."

"However," Kurt said slowly, "Sam and I would both very much like to watch you jack your dick while you watch us, and we would allow you to come on us."

"Oh, god," Puck murmured, closing his eyes. How had he never known how absolutely _filthy_ Kurt Hummel was? Why hadn't he been paying closer attention? "Oh god, oh god, oh god."

"Artie has come on my face before," Kurt continued, "and I found it very pleasant."

"How did not I know this about you?" Puck angrily demanded.

Kurt shrugged. "You've never asked." He waved Tina and Mike over. "Hey, guys."

"Hi, Kurt!" Tina chirped.

"Hey," Mike said quietly.

"Mike, I would just like you to confirm for Noah that Sam and I do indeed enjoy it when you and Artie shoot your loads on us."

Mike squirmed, but nodded. "Kurt really likes it when you aim for his mouth."

"Oh, fuck me," Puck groaned.

"That could be arranged," Tina cooed.

"I'm sorry, Mike," Kurt whispered. "I didn't mean to embarrass you."

"You didn't!" Mike protested. "I just...watching you with Brittany..."

Kurt nodded. "I see. Well, Artie is now very hard and Brittany will be relieving him of his burden under my command. I would appreciate it if you and Tina would supervise, in case I need to punish her later."

Tina nodded happily.

"P-Punish?" Puck gurgled.

Kurt looked and him and smirked. "Do you need to be punished, Noah? You _are_ a very bad boy."

Puck nodded. "I'm bad."

"Dirty, naughty boy."

Puck's nodding became frantic. "Dirty."

"Well," Kurt drawled. "This is fascinating. I'm not really all that surprised, of course, but it's nice to have confirmation. I just have _so_ many ideas!"

"You always have the best ideas," Mike said shyly.

Kurt smiled at him. "Well, gentlemen and lady, I leave Artie in your capable hands." He cocked his head. "Technically Brittany's hands, I suppose." He shrugged. "At any rate, Sam, Santana, and I will see all of you tomorrow. Have a good night."

With that, he literally _skipped_ over toward the limousine, calling merry goodbyes to the others, not even paying heed to the strange look Will was shooting at him.

"Did that just happen?" Puck asked no one in particular.

Tina smirked. "Oh, that happened. It happens a lot more than you would think."

"He was so..._so_..."

Mike released a wistful sigh. "Yeah, he sure was."

Tina giggled. "Mike has it bad for Kurt."

Mike flushed. "Do not."

"Dude, you so do," Artie said, rolling his eyes. "It's cool, though, as long as it doesn't cross...certain boundaries."

Mike shook his head. "I would never do that. Sam's my best friend."

Puck squirmed uncomfortably, recalling his own betrayal of Finn, and wanted to end this particular line of conversation, though he was rather startled by Mike's fascination with Kurt. "Dude, are you bi?"

"No," Mike said. "It's like Kurt is with Santana. The only guy I've ever been into is Kurt. It has nothing to do with him being a dude. It's just because he's _Kurt_."

"He's the Kurtiest!" said a cheerful Tina.

Artie laughed before giving her a knowing look. "What are you going to do about Blaine?"

Her eyes narrowed. "It would be a terrible shame if Karofsky found out exactly _why_ Blaine is with him and not Kurt, wouldn't it?"

"Nice!" Mike exclaimed.

"Not until after the competition, though," Tina said. "We don't need him off his game."

"So you're perfectly content to use him?" asked a bemused Artie.

"Absolutely," she replied, nodding. She quirked a brow. "Ready for Brittany's magic fingers?"

He blew out a breath. "You have no idea. Kurt really knows...how to get an engine running."

She smirked.

"Is this real life?" Puck suddenly demanded.

Mike cocked his head. "What? That Kurt's a hot, dirty mess?"

"Why didn't anyone tell me?" Puck exploded.

"He loves Sam and Santana," Artie said, shrugging. "You never had a chance, Puck."

Puck soured before his eyes widened. "Does Hudson know?"

Tina scoffed. "Oh, _sure_. Do you really think that, if he did, Kurt wouldn't be sequestered in his home until he was collecting Social Security?" She shook her head. "He still doesn't believe that Kurt, Sam, and Santana actually have sex. He thinks they're just really good friends."

Puck rolled his eyes, finding that explanation entirely too believable.

"I need to get to Brittany," Artie muttered, his face red.

"Don't let us stop you," Tina said, laughing.

Mike grabbed the handlebars of Artie's chair and began rolling him toward the shuttle.

Puck stared. "I guess they got over their little tiff about you."

Tina nodded. "Well, of course. I mean, they can't both come on Kurt and not bond over it, right?" Her tone suggested he was feeble-minded for not recognizing this earlier.

Puck closed his eyes and forced himself to breathe.

Tina promptly decided that Puck needed to be even further unseated. "Not that I blame them. I'd totally nail Santana if I thought they'd let me."

All of the color bled from Puck's face. "You...you're..."

"I'm also into chicks, dude," she said gruffly, leering at him and punching his shoulder.

He whimpered.

* * *

Kurt slid into his seat in the limousine, beaming at Sam and Santana, who looked back at him with only slight traces of condescension and annoyance.

"Did you enjoy yourself?" she asked, brow arched.

"Immensely," he purred, "but ramifications have resulted." He threw an imperious look at Gerard. "Privacy screen, please."

Gerard blinked and then pressed the button to raise the partition.

Kurt's gleaming eyes then fixed on Sam, who shuddered.

"K-Kurt?"

"Horny now."

"Oh, fuck," Sam moaned.

Kurt gracefully threw himself forward onto his knees and _slunk_ over toward Sam.

"Gerard, this is one of those moments in which your discretion is about to be tested," he said blithely.

The man nodded carefully. "Of course, sir. You may count on me."

Kurt nodded in kind. "Excellent." He then began groping Sam's crotch unashamedly. "I'm very hungry."

Santana smirked. "And what's on the menu?"

"Dick of Sam."

"Of course."

"Would you care to join me?"

"I'd be delighted."

Santana too fell to her knees and slowly began drawing down Sam's zipper.

Sam threw his head back and closed his eyes. "Oh, god."

Kurt shoved his hand into Sam's fly and roughly withdrew the hard cock, marveling at its beauty and desperately wanting it in his mouth. "Well, look at this catch of the day."

He then carefully covered his teeth with his lips and inhaled Sam's dick.

Sam began moaning, his pitch quickly gaining volume, before he switched to babbling encouragement laced with vulgarities which Gerard, who considered himself to be quite a worldly individual, had never before had the privilege to hear.

It was like music to Kurt's ears.

* * *

**End Notes**: After two years of constant prayer, my _Glee_ porn muse has arrived. Her name is Serena, and she's very happy to meat (typo, and it stays) all of you. I'm hoping she'll be able to find Bling Bling, my _Buffy/Angel_ porn muse, who's been MIA the past few years. So, yes, this will actually have porn in it later on. I don't expect the entire story to be more than four or five chapters.

Updates on other stories are forthcoming. It's been a busy couple of weeks. My late mother's birthday was earlier in the month, and the expected depression took hold for a while. Also, my boyfriend asked me to marry him! So I'm engaged now to a hot boy with a big one who knows how to work it. Kudos, me. Well done.

Finally, it seems that many readers are unaware of the fact that I'm a dude. So, yeah...I'm a dude. *waves* Hi.


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Glee, Humor, Romance