Web Shows 1. Chapter 0: Prologue

An evil genius sits in his dimly lit lair contemplating his latest scheme. Sitting in his wheelie-chair, slowing spinning, he runs his hands through his curly, dark hair. He stops the chair as he faces a computer screen and raises his hands high above the keyboard. He clicks his knuckles and swiftly drops his hands to the keyboard. He types furiously. The keyboard clacks and sweat drips from his furrowed brow. He suddenly stops. His hands quickly rise above his head and form into pointed fingers. In a booming tone he exclaims;

"Nailed it!"

Meanwhile, in the depths of a suburb in California, people go about their normal day in a normal supermarket buying normal things. But not for long as the unsuspecting group are caught in the genius' evil trap. Unbeknownst to them, the genius' toxin was wafting its way into their bodies.

A young man is buying food. Something he often did considering it was a supermarket. While deciding what flavour mayonnaise to get, a woman walked past him. She gracefully walked to the nearby sausage counter. What was the point if the condiment, bread, and meat counters were not nearby each other? What if patrons to the supermarket wanted a sandwich?

The young man watched the woman walk past while he picked up his desired mayonnaise flavour, mayonnaise flavour. The woman picked up her desired sausage as she notices the young man is staring, slack-jawed at her.

Both the man and the woman stare at each other. All of a sudden, a felling ripples through them. A warm, pulsing feeling. The woman tries to fan herself unknowing that she is still holding the sausage. She bites her lip. The man suddenly tenses up, squeezing the mayonnaise flavoured mayonnaise bottle that explodes in a flurry of condiment sauce. They drop their shopping and run at each other. They collide and commence doing a non-PG rated action that I am not a liberty to divulge. This is a PG story after all.

Now here begins the story of a special man on a quest to save the world from this demented mind. A man surrounded in secrecy. A man whose power and strength is unbound by normal logic.

That man is…

Hang on…

What?

No, it is for…

But why?

Ohh, from…

Really? I thought she was…

Ahh, but that means…

That must be itchy and sore. So he can't…

So who the hell is going to be in the story?

It can't while him while he has that thing!

Who?

Won't he just kill me?

Fine. He'll do. Just let me get into my stab-proof truss before we go on.

One moment please reader. I must insure my safety as writer of this fiction.

* * *

><p>Now I safely protected I can declare this story open! This is the story of;<p>

**Brian,**

**Ninja Brian.**


	2. Chapter 1: The Mission Begins!

There is figure standing here clad in black and with a thousand-mile stare. This man believe it or not is the hero of this story. He has the unusual name of Brian. He is also a highly trained ninja so his full name is Ninja Brian. As traits go, Brian's main distinguishing trait is fairly simple. He is completely silent. He doesn't say a single word. Or he speaks in a pitch higher then any human can hear. At least that's what some people backed by medical science suggest.

Now might be the time to explain where Brian is. Brian currently somewhere in a room, somewhere in a building, somewhere on Earth, somewhere in this dimension. At least I think so. This is the "Pedicabo Dimension" right? No matter what dimension he is in, it might be also time to explain why he is holding a bloodied spatula while surrounded by dead bodies. Brian is part of the "Agency Responsible for Security and Espionage". He is an ARSE Agent. Agents of ARSE are secret protectors of the peace, protecting the unsuspecting people of the world from dangers that the other agencies won't protect you from. The mission that Brian has just finished is the foiling of a plan that included a police barricade, a hospital full of nurses of a naughty disposition and several gallons of clam chowder. The people of the world are once again safe. He also managed to finish the mission with minimal casualties. Everyone died.

As Brian was leaving the soon to be found crime scene, a passing carrier squirrel gives him a telegram. The telegram reads;

* * *

><p>Congratulations on the mission success.<p>

The nurses will be "looked after" by "other agents".

You have a new mission.

Return to headquarters at once.

* * *

><p><p>

With undue haste, Brian leapt into action and dashed to the nearest fast food establishment that I cannot mention because of sponsorship laws. Even a ninja has to eat. After eating a something that somehow resembled food for human consumption, he left for agency headquarters.

The agency headquarters' location is top-secret building that is hidden from all eyes. The headquarters building is cleverly hidden by using another building. So all that you are able to see through these words is a small, weatherworn garden shed and a sign nailed to its door saying, "This is not a secret agency building." Brian enters the shed and walks into a bustling office complex filled with noise and other boring things. He walks through the office until he reaches his commanders, Commander H's, office. Outside the office is the commander's secretary and mistress wife Miss Mortemer. Brian greats Miss Mortemer with the standard squinted evil eye glare salute, the official salute between agents. They share a moment of aggressive tension until the commander opening his office door breaks the tension. The commander is dressed in the official bathrobe and pyjamas of the agency topped off with the one thing that shows his rank. A moustache that may or may not resemble an Italian plumber because of legal reasons. He commences to talk in an unconvincing impersonation of old man commander that actually is his voice and greets Brian.

"Hello Agent Silent But Deadly. Welcome back to the land of the desks." The commander turns to Miss Mortemer, swinging his robe leaving nothing to the imagination. "Miss Mortemer, do you have the information on Brian's next mission?" Miss Mortemer pulls a clipped together wad of paper that makes file from a drawer in her desk and swings it into H's crotch. H winces and clutches the wad at his privates. A barely audible and mildly sensual "Ohh!" ripples out of H's mouth. "Not in front of agents. You can have me when he leaves." He whispers to Miss Mortemer. "Now Brian, come this way," says the commander to Brian gesturing into his office. And so he did, and it was down right messy.

Sitting in the commander's office, Brian is shown a recovered video tape of the supermarket incident. Just as it gets to the good bit with supermarket patrons running at each other and wildly throwing off their clothes in an ungodly and somewhat erotic fashion, the commander stops the tape.

"I'll save that for later," He mutters as he slyly ejects the tape and puts it into his desk drawer. After secreting the tape, the commander opens the file he was given by Miss Mortemer, pulls out a picture, and shows it to Brian. The picture is of a man with wild curly hair dressed in leather knee-high boots, an (unbeknownst to them) padded jockstrap and blue leotard.

"This is genius Ivana Sexbang." Starts the commander. "We think he is behind the sexy attack. We believe this because we found this at the scene of the crime." H shows Brian a picture of a gas canister with 'PROPARTY OF IVANA SEXBANG' spray panted on the side of it in luminous pink spray paint. "Your job that you have accepted because you have no choice is to find this man and bring him to justice." Brian's eyes sparkle with delight. He swiftly pulls out a dagger from a compartment somewhere on his person. Seeing the dagger and the desire in Brian's eyes, H responds in a calm tone, "Only if it is absolutely necessary. Give it a few days before committing assassination by multiple stabbing and ruptured psyches." Brian deposits the dagger back to where ever orifice it was pulled from as the glint in his eyes fades out of sadness. He really wanted to use the knife. The commander gestures wildly to the door of his office. "Now go! Go and save the world from Sexbang's sexual ransom that he is yet to give but probably will ask for." Brian stands heroically and leaves the office triumphantly to start his hunt for Ivana Sexbang.

After Brian leaves, H pulls the tape from his drawer licking his lips and humming in anticipation. He gets close to his intercom and presses a button. "Oh Miss Mortemer, we have some alone time. Would you care to join me?" A soon as he finishes talking his office door flies open. A wine bottle is flung past H's head, barely missing him, and smashes on the wall behind him. H doesn't flinch. He just wildly smiles at Miss Mortemer standing in the doorway. "Come here you bubbling cauldron of hot sex!"

It is safe to say that what H and his mistress wife got up to is not suitable for writing. All that is known is that the room was closed off for several days and there were no survivors.


	3. Chapter 2: The Hunt For Sexbang

Brian left the commander to his private business with Miss Mortemer. At least he assumed it was private and business. Brian decided that to take down Sexbang and his organisation he needed new equipment. Not equipment in the sense of the 'equipment' that the commander was currently using with Miss Mortemer but new mission equipment. New mission equipment that looked like a new knife. A long knife. A long, extra sharp knife. A long, extra sharp, laser knife built for penetrating people. Thinking about penetration, his thoughts rippled back to the commander for some reason. Before the more sordid thoughts could enter his mind, he was at D's orifice… I mean office. Maybe a few of the more sordid thoughts made it into his mind then he thought.

D, his code name would have been O'D but that would of made light of his drug and caffeine addiction, is the resident genius of the agency. At least he says he is a genius. There has been much proof against the claim but he remains adamant that he is a genius. He often says he is "a special sort of genius" but that would imply that he has a special intimacy over other agents… I mean a special intelligence over other agents. Damn those sordid thoughts!

When Brian walked in to D's lab, D greeted Brian in his usual way;

"Please don't hurt me!" performed in a high pitch squeal while diving for protection behind a nearby desk. "Just take the lead lined underpants and leave me be. My buttocks can't take anymore!" Brian and D's previous encounter was a rather dramatic affair that led to Brian using the sucker end of a plunger near D's rear end. It took several hours to put all of D back inside himself. Brian pockets the underpants by wearing them and continues towards D. D starts to throw stuff at Brian to keep him away, including his club membership card.

"Do you want a knife?" Whimpers D as he cowers behind another desk he has bounded behind because Brian has gotten to close. Brian stops with a lust in his eyes that is only reserved for things he can commit homicides with. So that's most things. D dangles a knife to the side of the desk so he keeps his cover.

"You want the knife, go get the knife." D tosses the knife in a direction that is away from him. Brian bounds like a cat towards the knife and pounces on it, hugging it like a lost loved one that are unrecorded in his personal record. While Brian was occupied with the knife, D runs screaming towards the safe haven of open cardboard box and squeezes himself inside. The previous plunger incident made D much more malleable so he is able to contort himself into the box.

Brian, now done hugging the knife, now must decide whether to keep his old knife or the new knife that D 'gave' him. There is only space for one in his secret knife orifice. Should he keep the old faithful knife? Or break in the new stabbing implement. After a moment, he decided.

Brian goes to the nearby desk that D cowered behind, gets a pen and paper, and writes:

"Thank you for the new knife" in a language that resembles English in all but handwriting. He then uses his old knife to stick the note to a near by cardboard box and leaves content with the decision he made about the new knife he will use to eventually mutilate people with.

Meanwhile, inside the box;

"**AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**"

Screams D in not very refrained way as he bleeds out of what was his butt. "I said it can't take any more! Damn you Ninja Brian!" He tries to get out of the box but he is contorted in such as way that getting out is imposable. "Err… Guys…?" Inquires D but no one is listing or cares.

Brian leaves the office headquarters building complex hidden inside of a shed and wonders where to go next. Only now he realises that he has no idea where he is going. So he decides to meet some of his contacts to get some information on where to look for Sexbang. He pulls a small black book from an orifice and flicks through the pages. Turns out, Brian has already seen most of his contacts and consequently murdered them for the useful information they divulged. But there was one left. One not yet murdered. But it was... him. Brian's most vile of opponents. Ninja Jim.

Jim was a short-lived friend of Brian's until Brian killed him. Mainly because Brian was bored and because of Brian's deep psychological trauma. Four Brian's in two sentences. It's always about Brian. Never about Jim. Since then, Jim and Brian grew apart. But for such a dangerous mission, Brian needs all the help he can get. Wait, is this mission is dangerous? Why am following him documenting all of this if this is so dangerous? Am I going to die by danger related injuries?

…

Turns out, shorter proximity to Brian increases chance of death dramatically. As of now, as documenter of this story, I am no longer insured health or life wise. Hang on a tick, I am British. Stiff upper lip and all that. I have the National Health Service! Horary! Murder on Brian, murder on.

Jim lives in a lavish castle style house in the middle of nowhere. Just off Hollywood Boulevard, near the 101 Freeway, in central LA. Jim has a wall surrounding the house. In the middle of the wall there is a large door sized gate and pictures of guard dogs with a bright red sign saying;

**Beware of the Mammals!**

Brian enters the gate and walks into the front garden and he is swiftly cornered but a whale in a scuba re-breather.

"Hey, how you doing?" quips the sea mammal in a New Yorker accent.

After dining on a course of whale blubber, Brian goes to the front door and knocks politely. Jim goes to open the door politely. But Brian had other thoughts. Namely how Jim is a bastard for an unspoken reason known only to him. So Brian kicks the door with all of his ninja strength, making the door fly off its hinges and across the room with Jim still standing straight and holding the door handle. Standing in the doorway with his murderous stare and his new knife, Brian moves toward Jim with intent to stab. Jim, not resigned to that fate just yet, decides to fight Brian to the death.

Turns out it was to his death. I can assure you that an epic ninja battle happened with jumping and smoke bombs and what can be called kung-fu. And stabbing. There was lots of stabbing. Mostly by Brian towards Jim. It was only after Brian finished stabbing Jim that he realised that he came here wanting information. What had he done? The remorse he felt was… what?

…

He wasn't remorseful. Then sad.

…

Not sad either. Then what did he feel oh 'mind of the gods'?

…

Nothing. Just nothing. Well that's not very interesting is it?

Turns out that Brian felt nothing. So leaving Jim to his eventual decomposition, Brian left to continue his quest. What was that again?

To continue his quest to find Ivana Sexbang's evil headquarters he needed to work out where to go next. After killing Ninja Jim and apparently feeling nothing according to my narrator, he was out of contacts. Then here remembered. There was one more. The one that moved so he cannot kill. Brian decides to call the man whose name cannot be mentioned due to policy and employment changes of the rather but not too much and not forgotten past. He pulls out his mobile and jabs at it indiscriminately. A musical shouty man picks up the other end.

"What do you want?!"

Brian says nothing.

"Oh, it's you. Well err... how you been and…" As the man calms his speech and trails off to an incomprehensible mumble.

Brian says nothing.

"So what do you w…?" He trails off again.

Brian says nothing.

"How am I meant to know!?" Suddenly enraged. "Am I psychic?! Am I am man of eternal wisdom!? Am I f…?" The following became incomprehensible and I am unable to translate. This went on for quite a while. The last line the man said, after much deliberation and confusion, was;

"Go to the casino or something and …" He trails off for the last time and hangs up the phone.

Brian hangs up the phone now knowing where to go next.


End file.

Web Shows, Humor, Parody