Bleach 1. November 17th Meeting

**Shinigami Women's Society**

By bleached.dragon

**November 17th Meeting **

**Topic: New Members**

In the 11th Company Headquarters, you can hear battle cries from every one of the rooms, spaciously appointed and lacking substantial furniture to encourage sudden capricious bouts of fighting, except for one. The gilded plaque on the door reads _Women's Shinigami Society_ and if you slide open the screen door, you will find a small room complete with a chalkboard, a long, executive style, meeting table, and a podium. It is into this room, that the much admired women of the higher echelons of the Shinigami file. Soifon, Rangiku, Isane, Kiyone and Nemu wander in at different intervals and proceed to deposit themselves in the chairs lining the table.

After the members had sat there, dozing, it was 6 am, for around fifteen minutes, the door slides open, and then closes. There is a shuffling sound as a crate is dragged to the podium, and Yachiru Kusajishi springs into view, her head barely clearing the podium, despite the added height of the crate. She waits for a short interval, smiling cutely and Nanao staggers in, half hidden by a giant stack of paper. Nanao drops the papers on the table and fixes the glasses on her face. As the Vice President of the Shinigami Women's Society, Nanao often found herself stuck with grunt labor, and today was no exception.

Nanao clears her throat in an attempt to catch the tiny President's attention, "Madame President, please allow me to introduce today's topic."

Madame President was at that moment enraptured by a chance butterfly that that had fluttered through the, so enraptured was she, that when she went to snatch the fluttering creature, she toppled off the podium entirely. Sighing, Nanao walked up to the podium.

Nanao makes another hopeless attempt, "Today's topic is…"

A recovered Yachiru quickly tackles Nanao to the ground. The 8th Company Vice Captain falls to the floor, momentarily stunned, which was long enough for Yachiru to assume her position of power on the podium.

Yachiru clears her throat in a mirror image of Nanao, "I have an announcement to make…"

There is a resounding collective groan.

Nemu, with pencil poised, doesn't even bother to take minutes. For if you scanned the minutes of the last twenty-three and a half (a meeting was cut short by a sudden, unexpected, tidal wave; more on that later), Yachiru had said, "What shall we play today?" with her usual sickeningly sweet smile, which the members had begun to view has bloodthirsty.

Yachiru once again bared her teeth in that very smile and called, "What shall we play today?!"

Rangiku grimaces, "That's what you said the last twenty-three and a half meetings."

Yachiru pouts, "No! **This** time, I had an extra exclamation mark!"

Rangiku replies in a patronizing voice, "And how, may I ask, can we tell?"

The tiny vice captain cheerfully parries in a voice that most master debaters would rather die than use, "Nemu-tan wrote it on her paper, right Nemu-tan? "

Nemu, who had been sleeping on the table, still feeling the after effects of the last drug Mayuri had tested on her jolts up, "WAH! Um… yes… yes!"

Rangiku decides that it was a hopeless battle and subsides into silence, choosing to examine her nails instead.

Nanao had reclaimed her spot on podium and resumed her monologue, "As I was saying, today's topic is the consideration of the acceptance of new members. Now you remember the guidelines, all members must have a Shikai or be seated officers."

Soifon looks at the papers in Nanao's hand and began furtively searching for an escape route, "Do we have too?"

Nanao smiles and the members shudder to see a mirror image of the smile that their president had just flashed at them moments before, "Oh, there's more." Nanao raps the window and Ikkaku, drives a dump truck through the open window, smashing a hole in the newly plastered wall, just repaired from the tidal wave incident, and deposits a mound of paper in the room, before Ikkaku guns the truck into a hasty retreat, rightly afraid of the member's fury.

Kiyone, who had jumped up on the table to protest being put through tedious work, found herself half submerged in papers, the ceiling closer than before.

Nanao and Yachiru had found refuge under the crate that Yachiru had used as a footstool (yes, she's that short). The two of them cowered there, unsure on how to proceed. Well, the indecisiveness was mostly on Nanao's part, Yachiru had bounded from under the crate, "Yay! It snowed inside." She danced around trying to catch 'snowflakes' on her tongue, but only managed to catch a paper cut.

Soifon, meanwhile, is completely submerged in application forms. She started when she heard Rangiku's voice emanating from somewhere near her, "Hey, Soifon!"

The violent captain jerks up, "Huh? What? Where?" She flails and slashes through the papers closest to her before remembering, belatedly, that Rangiku was somewhere near her.

Soifon managed a tentative, "Rangiku?" Before she notices, to her horror as red dye bleeds through the shredded papers, "NOOOOOO! Rangiku! You were so young…"

Rangiku winces, somewhere across the room, "Soifon? Are you okay?"

Soifon gasps, "Y-y-you're alive!"

Rangiku sighs, "And that is why we voted to eradicate silent ring tones last week.

Soifon finally notices her cell phone, casting a red glow on the papers around her.

Somewhere, nestled in the papers, Isane is curled up and dreaming of eggplant.

In a hallway, somewhere in 6th Company Headquarters

Byakuya strolls down the walkway regally and comments to Renji, "Because you destroyed your last office trying to practice your Shikai, this is all we have left."

The two of them are standing in front of a hallway closet

Renji blanches, "You're kidding! I know the division headquarters are crowded because of all the Shinigami that live and work here, but are you saying that the only room available is a CLOSET?" He slams his fist into the double doors of the closet and they crumple.

Byakuya sighs, "Actually, no."

Renji, who apparently can't read body language very well brightens up, "Really?"

Byakuya covers his eyes in defeat, "Since you broke the door, we don't even have a closet."

"BOOT!"

"I will leave you to that then."

The 6th Company Captain proceeds down the hall, and then finds himself prostrate on the floor, the piece of paper that he had slipped on drifts daintily onto his face.

Renji, who had curled up in his new 'office', sobbing quietly in a fetal position, springs up, "CAPTAIN KUCHIKI!" He rushes to his captain, forgetting that just seconds ago, the same man had ruthlessly left him to deal with having half a closet.

Byakuya stands up and dusting himself off, he spares a glance for the paper, "Renji… since when have you been interested in a membership at the Shinigami Women's Society?"

The pineapple head is caught off guard by the comment, "are you didn't hit your head on that fall?"

Byakuya, giving Renji a venomous look, holds out the paper, "Just look."

Back in the meeting room:

The air is rent with a sickening scream, as Isane wakes up from yet another nightmare.

Isane sobs uncontrollably, "F-f-fish c-cakes…" She hugs a piece of paper for dear life and gives herself a paper cut, "Owwww… Hey, what is this?" She clicks on her penlight, "WHAT THE—!"

The other members of the Women's Society take out similar penlights (Yachiru had required, under the threat of death and dismemberment, that members to carry the bright pink rabbit covered penlights at all times) and look at the papers near them.

Soifon reads a paper, "………" She shines a rabbit shaped beam of light on to another paper, "Wha?"

Rangiku's voice wafts from Soifon's cell phone (it's still on), "this is just disturbing."

Isane stares at the paper in shock, "Why……… would Abarai, want to join the Shinigami _Women's_ Society?"

Back to Byakuya and Renji:

Renji gaps, "WHAT THE —!" He then starts hyperventilating.

Byakuya looks sidelong at his red haired vice captain, "Are you sure you didn't apply?"

Renji just stares back, as if he can't believe what Captain Kuchiki is saying, "Heck NO! Why would I apply?"

Byakuya shrugs, "Because you wear pink yukatas?"

Renji had just about had it, "They're RED, NOT PINK!

"They look pink to me."

The conversation would have continued, except, in the Society's room, Nanao had fought her way to the door and opened it, letting a tide of application forms wash out into the hallway.

Renji pauses, "Wait a minute… I see a plot inconsistency. How did the papers come into the hallway of 6th Company, when the Society is in 11th?"

Byakuya shrugs again, "Didn't we all agree at one point that the Society was twisted?"

Kiyone spots Renji at that moment, "RENJI! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!!"

Renji, feigning surprise, "I had no idea what you're talking about."

Kiyone is raging, "YES YOU DO!!"

Nemu coughs politely and holds out an application, "Um… you should probably see this. Under hobbies, it lists 'vivisecting quincies' and that sounds more like Mayouri-taijo…"

Kiyone pauses, mid pull of Renji's red hair, "Say… hasn't that creep been applying every year?"

Nemu, resuming her usual gloomy expression, sighs, "I think he accidentally put Abarai's name down when he made those copies…"

Rangiku on the other hand, had taken a cheerful outlook to the situation…

The buxom Vice Captain walks up to Renji, brushing pieces of shredded paper from her hair, "Well, since he took the time to apply…" here she smiles evilly, making herself the third person to use Yachiru's smile, "……… CONGRATULATIONS!" She tosses confetti into the air, "you are now the Shinigami Women's Society's newest member."

Everyone is speechless except Renji, "WHAT? As if I wanted to join anyway!"

Nanao adjusts her glasses, "According to the registration form, the moment you apply, if you are accepted, no backing out."

Kiyone and Soifon turn their heads in Nanao's direction, "WHAT?"

Yachiru has seen the potential gain from this arrangement that Rangiku had unearthed, "YAY! You can start cleaning up the mess now! " She hands him a flamethrower.

Renji falls to his knees, unbelieving, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Mayuri emerges from the wall, "You admitted ABARAI AND NOT ME? Abarai didn't even apply!! I've applied for 10 straight years and Abarai gets admitted because of a typo?! You wont hear the last from me!!" He makes a hasty retreat once he notices that Renji is holding a flamethrower.

Soifon sighs, "Well, that explains a bunch."

The president, being a woman of action, grabs the nearest paper, "We might as well get this done Yachiru style...! Aha! Rukia Kuchiki. Okay, done. Notify Miss Kuchiki, Vice President."

Renji is still holding the flamethrower, "Why a flamethrower?"

Yachiru dimples, "It's faster! "

Renji fades into the background, trying to get the 'cleaning equipment' to work.

Meanwhile, Rukia arrives with Nanao.

Rukia spots her childhood friend, "What is Renji doing with a flamethrower?"

Yachiru dimples again, "It's cleaning equipment! "

Rukia is a bit taken aback, "O-okay…" She stammers, wondering if it really would be.

Yachiru hasn't finished making decrees, "And since you live with Byakushi, you get to join photo book committee!"

Before anything further could be arranged Renji manages to work the flamethrower, it shoots fire forty feet into the air and burns a hole straight through the floor above them.

There is another speechless moment of silence.

The flames form into a monster like being and begin rampaging the 6th Division with Renji swinging from it, his hand caught in the flamethrower. Fortunately for him, he had already passed out.

Yachiru grins, "Okay peoples! Let's continue our meeting!"

Rukia is now considering the sanity of the president, "But the flame monster just passed through the room!"

Yachiru replies nonchalantly, "The meeting room is indestructible, except for tidal waves… but what are the chances of that happening?"

Rangiku decides, once again, to point out the miscalculation, "Very high. Remember the half meeting?"

Yachiru covers Rangiku's mouth with a smile and whispers, "Don't say that too loud! The insurance company will hear you!"

Rangiku gags, her voice muffled, she demands, "MMPH! Why is your hand sticky?"

Yachiru is tugging on her hand, "Must be that candy I found under the crate… I think it's stuck!"

Nanao, pauses and pales, "Under the crate? That was my stash of superglue!"

A look of utter horror crosses Rangiku's face, "Please say that's not true."

And so… with Yachiru's hand stuck to Rangiku's mouth the Shinigami Women have no choice but to see the specialists. But before that… a quick update on the flamethrower monster.

Update:

Rikichi is brushing his teeth, the time now being 6:34 am, when the flamethrower monster bursts into his room. He runs for cover and grabs the nearest weapon, his rubber ducky.

Rikichi brandishes the rubber bath toy, "S-s-stay back!" He suddenly realizes the ridiculousness of the situation and completely unravels, "Why? WHY? Why is today the day that I HAD to let Akon borrow my fire extinguisher. Why do I only have a stupid rubber ducky?" He squeezes the rubber toy and suddenly, to his surprise, a jet of compressed water shoots from the duck's mouth.

Unfortunately, the beam of water misses the monster a fizzles out.

Rikichi falls to his knees, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Fortunately, the jet of water hits the switch on the flamethrower and the monster is sucked back in. Renji crumples to the ground. Rikichi faints. And that is how Akon finds the two of them, collapsed on the ground, when he comes in to return the fire extinguisher.

Akon is a bit speechless, "Bad time?"

Back to the girls:

While this drama is occurring, all the people at the 4th Company Relief Station couldn't get Yachiru and Rangiku, unglued. In fact, thirty odd people were stuck to the two of them in a giant, human Katamari.

Rangiku gasps in a muffled voice, "THIS is ridiculous! What kind of glue is this anyway?"

Nanao head bowed in penitence, "Super Super Carpentry glue…"

"WHAT?"

Nanao mumbles, "I used it to destruction proof the entire meeting room… that's why only a tidal wave can destroy it."

Soifon is contemplating the realization, "A tidal wave… THAT'S IT!"

The 2nd Company Captain drags the human ball to the nearest water tank, and kicks a hole in it. Two things happen. The first, a torrent of water comes gushing down onto the human ball and immediately, all the people stagger free. The second, Commander General Genrusai is brushing his teeth, when his water runs out and proceeds to go about all day looking like a rabies victim.

Yachiru checks her pink watch; "Ah… it's the end of session already? " She skips off and leaves the rest of the society to deal with the mass destruction caused.


	2. Special Thanksgiving Edition: Part 1

**Shinigami Women's Society**

By bleached.dragon

_bleached: Hey ya'll! To those of you who noticed how the last installment was dated November 17th when it's already January, GOOD JOB! I know, it's older and the reason I didn't fix the date is because of this! My five part thankgiving edition that I had to reformat..._

_Ichigo: is reading story You want me to do WHAT?! No way! I quit! throws down paper_

_bleached: sigh Fine, I'll write another story in which you have to go on a car trip in close proximity to Grimjow, Byakuya, Goat-chin, Kenpachi and..._

_Ichigo: death glare_

_bleached: Anyway, let's continue... and please tell me what you think!_

**Special Thanksgiving Meeting**

**Topic 1: Why you should never get between Nanao and her coffee**

Nanao walked into the meeting room at 6 am sharp, towing an extremely tired Sunsui, who appeared to be having a hangover. Sunsui in turn was pulling along a giant, rolling kitchenette that smashed the doorframe when it wheeled through. Behind Sunsui, a very bedraggled Renji was attempting to juggle enough food to feed an entire army of starving Yachirus. Picking up the rear was Rukia, holding a giant basket of dishware and eating utensils that she had borrowed from her home.

What was Nanao doing with all this? Cooking a seven-course gourmet meal that she had pulled together with extensive research.

After the kitchenette is set up and the supplies laid out on the table, Nanao gives the entire display a blank look, "What's this doing here?"

Sunsui pauses, mid positioning of the cooking implements that Nanao had just moments ago, requested to exacting standards, "You have got to be kidding me. You dragged us up at five in the morning to get this stuff and you DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S HERE?"

Nanao pauses, "I did? Ah… I remember now."

Sunsui looks a bit worried, which is unusual for the normally drunkenly cheerful captain, "Are you sure you're okay?"

Renji growls, "Let's just get this over with."

Nanao had gotten the deluxe version of the Super kitchenette. It had four ovens and electric burners. A built in refrigerator and everything a cook might need. Except it needed to be plugged into a wall socket. Which the meeting room had none. Remember, the 11th Division is Spartan at best.

Renji repeatedly tries to impale the plug into the wall, searching for the slim hope that the socket had just been wallpapered over during Yachiru's past renovation fetish, "You have got to be KIDDING ME!"

Somewhere Underneath Seritei

At that moment, Renji and Sunsui were dragging a giant extension cord through the sewers. Apparently, the closest place with a wall socket was 12th Division, all the way across Seritei. The current piece of extension chord ran out at that moment.

Sunsui sighs, "Renji, hand me the next piece."

Wordlessly Renji hands him another piece of extension chord from the ice cream cart full of chord that he was wheeling along. They had been going at this snail's pace for the last hour or so and he had already exhausted all his most violent language.

The giant pink umbrella suspended above the ice cream cart caught a slimy overhanging pipe and snapped off the contraption, landing in the dirty sewer water. An amorphous, dark shadow surrounded the pink, striped sunshade and there were snapping sounds and hungry slurps.

Renji stares in speechless shock. He quickly comes to his senses, remembering those stories of missing 4th Company Shinigami that Hanataro had regaled him with, apparently, they weren't as fictional as the storyteller had assumed, "Screw this! RUN!"

The two of them shot down the sewer path, Sunsui still dutifully throwing down pieces of cord.

Sunsui, despite being out of breath, manages to squeeze words out of his mouth, "You know Nanao isn't usually this scatterbrained. I wonder what's wrong.

Renji, doubled over from lack of air, gasped, "Talk later, run now!"

Miraculously, they managed to make it into 12th Division without being harmed. After sneaking into one of the buildings at random, they were given a stroke of fortune and found the generator room. Unfortunately, all the sockets were plugged in. Renji pulled out one of the plugs at random and plugged in the mile long extension chord.

Unfortunately, when you pull a plug, something else has to go out and it did. The entire west wing, which contained Mayuri's operation room, lost power.

Renji, already halfway into the sewer, motioned to Sunsui, "Let's go! I have a bad feeling that we're going to hear about this later."

How bad this would be, he was not to realize.

Back with Nanao

Nanao had finished whipping up the salad by the time the power went on, "Rukia! Could you come and preheat the oven?"

Rukia positions the last plate, "Coming." She strides into the Kitchenette and stops abruptly, "What kind of salad is this?"

Nanao, without looking up, replies, "Caesar."

Rukia is still wearing her bemused expression, "Why is it pink?"

"What?"

"It's okay, it'll match my cutlery!" Rukia hurriedly assures her.

Nanao takes a look at the salad, "How did this happen?"

"Wait, you didn't plan this? Well then, let's hope you didn't accidentally buy any toxic wastes. We'll just pretend that it's just a lot of radish."

Nanao groans, head in her hands, "Bright pink radish?"

Rukia hastily stuffs the salad into the refrigerator, "Let's just cook the turkeys, shall we."

At this moment, Sunsui and Renji troop in. Sunsui is holding a tray of cappuccinos. Nanao looks up at him tiredly and seizes a cup, drinking deeply. She looks down at the cup and shrieks, throwing it into a wall.

Renji is a bit confused, "What is going on?"

Rukia shrugs, "I think Nanao isn't supposed to drink coffee or something."

Nanao sobs, "It was a whole week! I didn't drink coffee for a WHOLE WEEK! NOW THIS!"

Sunsui suddenly understands what she is implying, "So that's why none of the paperwork is done… ha, ha."

Nanao glares at him, "Do you even know the pain and the suffering I went through to keep from coffee?"

Flashback

Nanao passes a coffeemaker. She reaches for the handle to pour herself a cup, but catches herself in time. She tries to distract herself by eating the doughnuts on the table and then proceeds to madly consume the box after the doughnuts were all eaten. And then she rips a chunk of wood from the table and…

Back to the world of the sane

Everyone is speechless.

Rukia attempts to dispel the silence, "You know… I think that drinking coffee might be better for you than not drinking coffee…"

Nanao has finished off all the cappuccinos and there is a look of bliss on her face, "Yeah."

Renji throws Rukia a look of relief, "That should get things running smoothly again."

Only Sunsui is upset, "NOOOOO! You finished off my coffee!!!"

Nanao ignores him, "Let's cook that turkey…"

They would've proceeded to finish crafting the meal, if the power hadn't gone out suddenly.

Renji's jaded expression returns, "I knew this was going to happen."

"They must've noticed the power outage…" Sunsui chimes in.

Nanao shrugs, "At least I finished everything else."

"Since when?"

"Last five minutes."

The companions turn and laid neatly along the table there was an entire six-course meal.

Rukia is almost speechless, "so that's why 8th Division is so lazy."

Nanao gives Sunsui, who had already fallen asleep on the table, a pointed look, "I think you're only talking about one person in particular here…"

"That still doesn't solve the problem of cooking the turkey and I doubt that we'll get out of 12th alive this time," Renji, still stuck on his newly found emo-ness, interjects.

Nanao smiles, and pushes up her glasses, "Just leave that to me. Go return the kitchenette to the store. Rukia, help me pick up the turkeys."

Rukia and Nanao head off balancing the food precariously. Renji sighs and looks at the kitchenette, "How am I supposed to get this thing there?" Inspiration hits him, "I might as well think of this as training."

Renji aimlessly eats a bowl of the salad and suddenly, he turned green and collapsed on the kitchenette table, next to the dormant Sunsui. The kitchen timer on the microwave beeps, despite the lack of power and begins counting down seven hours.

Back in 12th Division, Mayuri rubs his hands together gleefully.

Back to the Turkey dilemma

Rukia followed the 8th Vice Captain to the 4th Division Relief Station where Hanataro greeted them at the entrance.

Hanataro, breaking out in a cold sweat, mutters, "Um…cold sweat you see, we're using our ovens to cook for the needy in Rukongai. Um… I'm really sorry… someone broke our spare ovens…"

Rukia sighs, typical, "That's okay… you know where we can find an oven?"

Hanataro is crying, "I really don't know…"

Nanao grabs Rukia and drags her off, "Never mind, I have a better idea."

"If there aren't any other ovens, then where?"

Rukia notices where the two of them are headed and stops, befuddled, "1st Division? What does 1st Division have to do with ovens?"

"1st Division has the big oven himself."

"Big oven, himself? You mean itself, right?"

"I mean himself."

A short while later

The two of them are standing before Commander Yamamoto.

Rukia stares, "You're kidding me."

Nanao bows politely before the Commander General, "Commander Yamamoto, I have recently developed a type of training for the fire users in our division but would like you, the fire Zanpakutou expert, to test it's effectiveness."

Rukia thought, "Amazing, he might actually agree."

Yamamoto preens, "Of course."

Nanao takes out the turkey and gets right to business, "Could you cook these at 350 degrees for an hour each?"

Yamamoto nearly falls over, "You call this TRAINING? It looks like housekeeping to me. I refuse."

Nanao gives him an exact replica of Yachiru's evil smile, "Oh… but I thought you agreed to do this… Unless you're backing out because you can't control your flames for that long…"

Rukia makes a mental note never to cross Nanao.

Yamamoto slams her staff down, "WHAT? YOU'RE DOUBTING ME? I'LL DO IT AND SHOW YOU!" That'll show her, he thought and then added, "Remember, I am doing this out of the magnanimousness of my heart."

Nanao smiled, "Thank you very much, sir!** ♥**"

"We'll be back in an hour, sir." Rukia added.

Sitting in his executive chair, Yamamoto felt like the cheated one.

Back in the meeting room

Rukia and Nanao return, laden with their cooked turkeys, to find the still comatose Renji and the sleeping Sunsui but before any action could be mounted, there was a sudden explosion, and the ceiling caves in…


	3. Special Thanksgiving Edition: Part 2

**Shinigami Women's Society**

by bleached.dragon

_bleached: Hey ya'll, it's part two! And this is actually not the tourture Ichigo was talking about... this is a bit short though..._

**Special Thanksgiving Meeting**

**Topic 2: Ichigo and the gang drop in like the Motherbomb (literally)**

The ceiling caves in. And suddenly, Rukia spots a shock of orange hair through the rubble.

Ichigo, Chad, Orihime, Ishida and Kon, crash land into the kitchenette. Ichigo is squatting on a crushed microwave. The microwave begins beeping and then with a 'ding' it explodes with the force of the Hiroshima bomb.

These are the reactions of the various persons present:

Renji is jolted awake, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Rukia, Chad, Nanao, Orihime, Kon and Ishida, immediately all pass out.

Sunsui is still sleeping.

Ichigo standing on the microwave doesn't understand what happened, "HUH?"

Renji echoes this sentiment, "What happened?"

Ichigo shrugs, "We crashed through the roof and the microwave exploded…"

Renji is ignoring the implausibility of this and nods, sagely, "That explains all the comatose people."

Ichigo looks around, "Why is the room intact?"

There is a fleeting image of Nanao holding a tube of Super Super Carpentry Glue.

Renji is bending over Sunsui, "Hey! He's faking it!"

Ichigo bends down too, "He's a captain, right? He could probably figure out a way to wake them up."

Renji snorts, "I doubt it. It's Sunsui."

"We at least should wake him up," he shakes Sunsui, "HEY! Wake UP!"

Sunsui lost in his dreamland drools and sighs, "Ah… Nanao-chan…**♥**"

Renji grabs a bucket of ice water and dumps it onto the captain. Sunsui turns at that moment and all the water rushes into his mouth and he starts choking.

Renji gapes and then turns to his friend, "Ichigo…"

Ichigo makes cross with hands, "No way I'm doing CPR!"

Renji turns on Ichigo with an evil smile, "You know CPR?"

Ichigo pales and sports a look of terror, "No!"

"But… I thought your dad's a doctor…**♥**"

Ichigo pales.

Renji drives is argument, "You're so heartless Ichigo letting him choke to death."

Sunsui is slowly chocking to death and making dramatic noises. Renji looks pleadingly at the orange haired shinigami.

Ichigo, "NO!"

Renji sighs, "You really have no morals do you…"

Ichigo punches the table, but misses and hits Sunsui, "Oops…"

Sunsui begins spewing out water and spraying the both of them and causing the walls of the building to collapse. (Tidal wave, remember?)

Ichigo, "Wait, so this building doesn't collapse when there is a nuclear explosion but falls when a captain spits on it!"

Renji sees Nanao in his mind's eye, "I think it has to do with Super Super Carpentry Glue…"

Ichigo, shaking Sunsui, "Any other ways to wake him up?"

"If an atomic explosion couldn't wake him, nothing can… unless," Renji gets an unholy gleam in his eye, "Nanao can always wake him up…" He grabs Nanao's hand and hits Sunsui with it.

Sunsui wakes up and clutches face, "Owie… don't hit me that hard Nanao-chan…"

Renji smiles another counterfeit Yachiru smile, "Ahh… you're finally awake Captain Koryaku… **♥**"

Ichigo looks at Renji, "You're starting to creep me out Renji…"

Sunsui meanwhile is trying to appear in control, "Nothing to do but get them to Fourth Division."

The three of them leave, carrying the others, and when they were out of earshot the entire room reforms with much groaning and creaking.

What is going on?


	4. Special Thanksgiving Edition: Part 3

**Shinigami Women's Society**

by bleached.dragon

_bleached: this chapter is devoted to the worst food ever! Tell me what ya think!_

**Special Thanksgiving Meeting**

**Topic 3: It's impolite to leave in the middle of dinner.**

The gang is back in the reconstructed building and a bunch of the Shinigami Women's Society members had arrived. Nanao is serving the first dish, the fluorescent pink salad.

Everyone looks at the items laid neatly on the table.

Ichigo, eying table, "Why is everything pink?"

Rukia, shrugging, "It was the only color available."

Ishida snorts, clarifying, "You mean the only bunny shaped cutlery color."

It was true; everything was bunny shaped and pink. Byakuya winced, slightly. Nanao hurriedly whips out baskets of bread. Everyone sniffs the pieces of bread suspiciously before partaking of the fare.

Rukia is holding up a bunny shaped ketchup packet, "Bead is pretty good with ketchup…" She squirts some from the bunny's mouth.

Chad looks disgusted, "That is sickening."

Sunsui is drinking, in a corner away from Nanao's watchful eye, "Aheheh… what's a bunny doing here…" He starts singing a drinking song.

Rangiku is even drunker, "I wanna sing too!" She picks up a yam and standing on the table, starts belting out drunken songs.

Hanataro is wearing horrified expression while staring at the bunny/ketchup dispenser in Rukia's hand, "blood…"

Ichigo, noticing a plot discrepancy, "Wait a minute, you're afraid of blood and yet you're in fourth division?"

Hanataro, head bowed, "I usually apply for sewage duty… even sewage is better than," he gets an image in his head, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Hanataro falls to the floor, foaming at the mouth.

Orihime is cluelessly singing along with Rangiku, "…22 bottles of rum on the wall, 22 bottles of rum, take on down, pass it around, 21 bottles of rum on the wall… Wait… what is rum anyway?"

Nanao coughs and whips out bright pink dish, "Anyway… Let's eat the salad…"

Renji takes the time when everyone is staring to hide under the table, "There is no way I am eating that."

Hanataro is still frothing at the mouth, as he lays on the floor, forgotten, "Blood…"

Orihime has a naïve expression on her face, "I think that it's supposed to be Coke, Rangiku…"

Sunsui is already incoherent.

Nanao and Yourichi try to set an example, by eating the salad… or whatever it is. The two of them collapse immediately.

Isane pretends to be upset, "Ah… and I wanted to enjoy dinner…" She takes them to the fourth division relief center with a look of relief at not having to eat the third dish, fishcakes.

Just as the door closes on Isane, it slides open to reveal Madame president, Yachiru. Yachiru's eyes sparkle at the decorations, "SUGOI!"

Rukia looks panic stricken, "Now would be the best time to run."

Rukia leaves, along with Renji, Orihime, Chad, Ishida, Kon, Ichigo, and Hanataro.

Yachiru pouts and starts chasing them, "NO! You can't leave."

"SPLIT UP!"

Chad grabs Orihime and jumps onto the roof. Ichigo jumps over the railing of the walkway, trips, and lands with a splash inside the fishpond. Hanataro dives, sobbing and delirious, into the laundry cart of a startled fourth company shinigami doing laundry. Ishida activates his bow and floats down to the ground. Renji takes a bag of confetti candy and throws it into the air before running off at full speed. Kon falls over and plays dead. Rukia doesn't bother to use the door, after Yachiru shot out of the meeting room; she doubled back into the room and went out via the window.


	5. Special Thanksgiving Edition: Part 4

**Shinigami Women's Society**

by bleached.dragon

_bleached: And here it is... Escaping Yachiru 2.0!_

**Special Thanksgiving Meeting**

**Topic 4: Since when did we have youtube, anyway?**

Rukia and Renji sit at the table before of various monitors showing different feeds of the Shinigami Women's Society. There are microphones propped up in front of them.

Rukia shuffles papers, "Ahem. Welcome to our very first live commentary. We will be here with you for this episode and maybe into the next installment. During our time here, we will be commentating, giving character information and maybe having some special guests. When we return to witness the happenings in the Society, all our commentaries will be italicized. Renji will give us the recap."

Renji, adjusting fake glasses, "The day started auspiciously. We had various cooking disasters, culminating in the instant combustion of the kitchenette with the arrival of Ichigo and gang. It is revealed that Hanataro suffers from hemophobia, when we attempted to enjoy our appetizers and Rangiku drinks too much sake and tries to sing karaoke with a yam. We had some issues with the first course, and Nanao and Yourichi were escorted away to the 4th Division Relief Center. And all this happened before even the turkey was brought out. A group of us attempt to escape further disaster when the president, Yachiru Kusajishi, arrives. Everyone came up with equally interesting methods of escape against a toddler, so how are Rukia and I the only ones still standing?"

Rukia finishes with a flourish, "In this and the next installment, we will learn about that and more."

Renji, attempting to stick fake moustache back on, "Byakuya and Isane return to us. Hopefully they will help lower the death toll from the current estimation of 15,000 souls."

Hallway in the Second Division's HQ

There is a door slightly to the right. A large plaque hangs on the door. The plaque reads Shinigami Women's Society. A long line is drawn through 'Shinigami' and 'Women's' a kunai is lodged firmly in the—

_Renji, frowns, "Okay, spare me the buildup and get to the point."_

_Rukia sighs, "…So anyway, the meeting was taking place in Second Division's HQ. Lets get back to what happened after Renji and I leave."_

On Screen

Chad grabs Orihime and jumps onto the roof. Ishida activates his bow and floats down to the ground. Ichigo jumps over the railing of the walkway, trips, and lands with a splash inside the fishpond. Hanataro dives, sobbing and delirious, into the laundry cart of a startled fourth company shinigami doing laundry. Kon falls over and plays dead. Renji takes a bag of confetti candy and throws it into the air before running off at full speed. Rukia doesn't bother to use the door, after Yachiru shot out of the meeting room; she doubled back into the room and went out via the window.

_Rukia, "Okay, let's start with Chad and Orihime's performance, points to Chad for making it to a place away from Yachiru's line of vision."_

Chad makes it onto the roof but tiles dislodge and clatter down, one hits Yachiru on the head. Yachiru looks up and with a feral growl jumps up and smashes Chad and Orihime through the roof into the room.

_Renji freezes the tape to when the tiles come falling down, "It was a good plan. Unfortunately, in their haste to escape, they goaded Yachiru," A yellow circle is drawn around the tile that hit Yachiru's head, "Points to Orihime for erecting the shield so no physical damage."_

Ishida activates his bow and floats down.

_Renji sighs, "Not a high risk activity, but stupid. You don't want to float; you want to get away as fast as possible. The entire drifting cape thing was lame. He was too slow."_

Yachiru grabs Ishida's cape and drags him back up. Ishida screams.

_Rukia, "………"_

Ichigo jumps over the railing of the walkway, trips, and lands with a splash inside the fishpond.

_Rukia, freezing screen, "He was in too much of a hurry, although he followed Chad and Orihime's tactic of reducing the sight level. After all, out of sight, out of mind."_

_Renji nods, "Except Ichigo lands in the fishpond. One of the guys in 11th breeds these prized fighting giant carp and Ichigo landed in their territory…"_

A colossal carp jumps over Ichigo, the screen blanks and the sound of hungry fish feeding is heard. The screen clears as a bloody Ichigo drags himself from the pond, a baby carp still stuck to his head. A hook catches his uniform and Yachiru reels him in, like a fish.

_Renji sniggering, "Tough luck Ichigo. If the carp hadn't thrashed about, Yachiru wouldn't have noticed."_

Hanataro dives into the laundry cart.

_Rukia trying to keep a straight face, "Impressive, but you can hear him sobbing hysterically from a mile away."_

Yachiru hears him sobbing and fishes him out of the laundry cart by the hair.

_The screen flips back to a feed of Rukia, "So… we should keep our composure and never scream or yell…" She looks pointedly at Renji. (See the Star and the Stray Dog where Renji goes ballistic after getting beaten by Ichigo)_

_Renji, who doesn't get it, "I agree."_

Kon falls over and plays dead.

_Rukia, "He made several mistakes. He assumed that Yachiru didn't like plushies because of her twisted nature and didn't stay out of her vision."_

Yachiru hugs Kon.

Yachiru smiles her vampire like smile, "Aw… I wonder if Ken-chan will let me keep him…"

_Renji smiling, "Finally some dialogue."_

_Rukia, "Well, does screaming count as dialogue? Anyway does she have some kind of fixation complex for Kenpachi or something?"_

There is a ripping noise, and Yachiru accidentally tears Kon's arm off.

_Rukia, sighing, "That's tough love for you."_

Kon's screams rend the air.

_Renji puffs out his chest, "Now for me. Watch a pro at work."_

Renji takes a bag of confetti candy and throws it into the air before running off at full speed.

_Rukia sighing, "Hey, isn't that what Byakuya-ni-sama used to get rid of Yachiru when she was bugging him about that photo book? How original, Renji."_

"_S-Shut UP!"_

Yachiru goes after the candy, she forgets all about Renji. Rukia doubles back through the door while Yachiru was eating the candy, and hops out the window.

_Rukia concludes the section, "When escaping Yachiru, line of vision and distraction is vital. Keep a cool head and don't make stupid mistakes."_

In the Commentator's room

Rukia shuffling papers again, "And that's all from the escape. We have two very special guests here to talk about the harrowing event. Please welcome Ichigo and Hanataro."

There is a puff of smoke and Ichigo and Hanataro appear and sit on the couch that conveniently appeared.

Rukia smiles, "Welcome. So, how was your experience escaping Yachiru?"

Ichigo shrugs, "Before I tell you that, why are we filming a talk show in a studio?"

Rukia sighs and pulls down a backdrop of the skyline of Seritei, she drags over a coffee table and puts a giant vase of flowers on the table and then pushes a button so the news table converts into a sofa, "Now answer my question."

Hanataro shudders, "Arguably the worst moment of my life."

Ichigo nods in agreement, "What is wrong with the fish here anyway?"

Renji, secretly happy about Ichigo's trauma, "It wasn't THAT bad, was it?"

Rukia takes out a flamethrower. Renji screams, "It's YOU! HOW ARE YOU HERE?" He dives under the sofa and you hear racking sobs."

Rukia ignores Renji, "Anyway, I invited someone who knows how our little girl ticks. He is her_ 'Everything'. _Please welcome Zaraki Kenpachi."

Ichigo stares at her, "KENPACHI?!" He dives out the window though the fake Seritei skyline and lies on the ground behind the couch, stunned.

Rukia sincerely attempts not to laugh, "As I was saying, keep a cool head and don't make stupid mistakes."

There is some more smoke and Kenpachi sits down at the table.

Rukia smiles happily, "Hello Kenpachi-san. We would like to know more about Yachiru, what makes her who she is?"

Kenpachi looks around confusedly, "She lived in the 78th District of Western Rukongai and why is the bathroom a studio?'

Rukia ignoring Kenpachi, "That explains a lot. Thanks. Bye."

Kenpachi walks out, "Where is that bathroom?"

Renji has regained his composure only to explode again, "THAT WAS SO INSANELY DANGEROUS!!!"

Rukia is ignoring Renji, "And now we know why Yachiru is Yachiru."

Renji, sticking fake moustache back on, "And onto what is happening in the Society… and that last sentence was repetitive."

Hanataro drags the comatose Ichigo out.


	6. Special Thanksgiving Edition: Part 5

**Shinigami Women's Society**

by bleached.dragon

_Ichigo: I'm calling in sick today._

_bleached: That's great! It'll add even more to the drama!_

_Ichigo: nevermind. forget I said that._

**Special Thanksgiving Meeting**

**Topic 5: Pudding has therapeutic qualities.**

Soifon, Rukia, Renji, Ichigo, Byakuya, Orihime, Chad, Ishida, Kon and Hanataro are seated in different areas of the room nursing wounds and cups of lukewarm tea. Soifon and Byakuya had come in and saved the day just as Yachiru had begun exacting her revenge and Ishida was forced, screaming, into a tutu. Yachiru is seated at the head of the table, humming to herself.

Rukia is trying to look optimistic, "Umm… I think that maybe we should start on the turkey… It's a bit burnt though, just so you know." She carries a platter with something that resembles a giant piece of charcoal.

"What is THAT?"

"It's okay on the inside, it just has a burnt layer…"

Hanataro looks tentatively at the dish, "Are you sure that's turkey?"

"Don't blame me. Yamamoto cooked it up."

Byakuya is speechless; "The Commander cooked a turkey for you? He can cook?"

"He cooked four with his Zanpakuto, and no, he can't cook to save his life."

Orihime is digging into the turkey, "It's actually pretty good." She dips the turkey into green jello and ice cream.

Soifon grimaces at the result, "I think our standards of 'good' are different."

Ishida trying to look optimistic, "At least we still have the roast beef…"

"Oh, about that, it was cooked under such intense heat and pressure that we ended up with diamonds."

There is pause.

Byakuya pulls a bag of nikumun from his uniform, "…"

Rukia eyes the pile of food, "I don't think that's enough…"

"Well, there still are the mashed potatoes."

Yachiru her face smeared with gravy, chimes, "Gone."

Ichigo sighing, "Well, maybe not the mashed potatoes but the rolls should still…"

Hanataro bows his head, "I used them instead of bandages on Ishida-kun's wounds."

Ichigo winces, "Salad?"

"Already sent off to the toxic waste plant."

Ichigo covers his eyes, "Stuffing?"

Ishida shrugs, "I used it to fill Kon's arms up."

(Bleached: nods sagely Food has many uses. Ichigo: Wait a minute… look of horror on his face You're not—! Bleached: covers his mouth nothing to see here…)

Kon turns to stare at Ishida, "WHAT?" He savages the Quincy.

Hanataro sighs, "And we're out of rolls…"

Ichigo, with a pained expression, "Well, we can eat the burnt turkey if it gets that bad…"

Orihime blushes, "Um… well, I already finished it…"

Ichigo is getting exasperated, "Roast beef?"

Rukia thumbs through a wad of cash, "I sold it to a jeweler."

Ichigo sighs, "Well, there's still that nikumun." Just as he says this, Byakuya finishes the last one.

Ichigo has a hopeful expression, "fruit?"

"We never had fruit in the first place…"

"Cake?"

Renji raises his hand, "Um…", and everyone stares at the pineapple head.

(Bleached: The term 'pineapple head' comes from my friend IluvBleach, you can read her character abusing stories at her page.)

"I didn't eat them! They just walked into my mouth…"

Byakuya says in a patronizing tone, "Really? I would like to see a cake with legs."

Ichigo sighs, "What's left then?"

"Pudding."

"Pudding."

"Pudding."

"Pudding."

"Pudding."

"Pudding."

"Pudding."

Kon examines his arms, "Well, I can live with shapeless arms if you want some stuffing…"

Ichigo ignores Kon, "So there only is PUDDING?"

Rukia smiles serenely, holding a pecan pie underneath the table, "Yeah. And we can't cook anymore because **someone** blew up the kitchenette."

Orihime attempts to make the notion more palatable, "Um… well, I still have some leeks…"

Kon winces, "Leeks in pudding?"

Orihime blushes, "It tastes pretty good…"

Soifon adds, "We still have some sake…"

Orihime frowns, "We're UNDERAGE!"

"Sunsui drank all of it anyway."

Ichigo slams his fist into a pink, bunny shaped platter, "Is there ANY food here?"

"Nothing but the pudding."

"THERE is NO WAY I am eating PUDDING."

"Traumatized memories?"

Ichigo only shudders in reply.

Flashback

It was when Issin was trying to be the mother in the house, before Yuzu occupied the role. He decided it would be motherly to make pudding. He read in the 'how to…' book that pudding was a great comfort food for the kids of single dads. So, he made pudding. The pudding looked fine… except… when Yuzu lifted a spoon to it, it blew up. Issin, seeing a chance to bond, decided to blow them all up, you know, as a joke that can become a fond memory. Just as he blew up the last ones everything was all covered in the gunk, the pudding started to sizzle, and then it melted, dying the entire family pink. They were like that for a month.

End flashback

Ichigo pained expression, "You know how hard it is for people to take you seriously when you're fuchsia? Plus it looked terrible with my hair."

Byakuya shrugs, "Well, Yachiru has pink hair and people take her seriously…"

Yachiru has swallowed soap and is blowing out bubbles with each breath.

Ichigo grimaces, "Yeah, right. Like I'd take an automatic bubble blower seriously."

Yachiru jumps up and bites Ichigo on the head.

Ichigo, trying to fling the tiny captain off, screams, "SORRY! SORRY!"

"See?"

While Ichigo is ranting, Rukia was passing pecan pie underneath the table, mouthing, "He never asked for pie…"

Time skip

It's midnight and everyone is full of food and lounging around the table, except for Ichigo, who is staring at a bowl of pudding.

Rukia smiles, "Aren't you going to eat?"

Ichigo's stomach growls, "No."

"Are you sure? I'm sure the pudding's fine…"

Ichigo growls, "fine…" He grabs a spoon and brings it down, only to find that Yachiru had eaten it all, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Rukia laughs, "Never mind."

Suddenly, there is an exploding noise and everyone who had eaten pudding collapses on the floor. Rukia belatedly remembers that the pudding had been a packaged thanksgiving gift from none other than Issin Kurosaki himself, as she falls to the floor in a graceful arc.

And thus, the curtains close on the thanksgiving party, with half the participants, lying on the floor like road kill.

_bleached: I hope you liked it... I for one am running out of ideas! please post some for me!!! falls to the ground_


	7. January 27th Meeting: Part 1

**Shinigami Women's Society**

By bleached.dragon

_Bleached: Ahhh… and we're in for another installment… And since I have a severe case of writer's block, we've gotten to product placement somehow… Renji walks by with an advertisement stuck to his back yea… anyway, Hinamori finally shows up and there just might be some arrancar popping up… And our beloved friend, Super Super Carpentry Glue makes another appearance._

_-Renji, not knowing that he has an ad on his back, is followed by a group of shinigami, trying to look at what Vice Captain Abarai had on his back-_

_Shinigami 1: Why is there an ad for baby food on your back?_

_Renji: What do you mean, baby food?_

_Rikichi: Hey! They're cucumber flavored…_

_Bleached: Not that kind of product placement! It's SWS stuff product placement!_

_Yachiru: But it's Soul Candy for babies!_

_Bleached: -sigh-_

**January 27****th**** Meeting**

**Topic: Product Placement**

**Opening:**

It was one of those days again. That time of year, when all the members wished, in perfect cohesion, that they were somewhere else. It was that time of year, that Yachiru threatened a member of her division at sword point, to find some lame brained excuse to drag her out of the meeting.

It was Nanao's yearly lecture on product sales. Arguably even more boring than the sermons of that old geezer who taught law at the Shinigami Academy, Nanao would drone on, and on, listing stock prices, for heaven's sake! Who cared about stock? Wait… the Shinigami Women's Society even hadstock?

We'll just let Nanao explain it then, "SWS fell 18.8 in the last quarter and has had a constant recession rate of—"

At that moment, she was interrupted by Maki-Maki, or whatever his name was, sticking his head in the room. He preened his moustaches nervously, "Um… Miss Yachiru? You need to… uh," he fumbled for an adequate excuse, "um… leave… because… um… a… giant… kitty, No! That's not right! A… giant… ketchup bottle… attackedthecandystore." The last part came out as a jumble in his rush to finish. Maki-Maki, or whatever his name was, breathed a sigh of relief and dashed away.

"Nanao-chan, the candy store needs saving!" Yachiru, who couldn't tell a positively lame excuse from a legit one if it hit her in the face, sprang from her seat and made a dash for the door, "You can't be selfish, you know Nanao-chan!"

"Yea, right," Kiyone snorted and adjusted her eye-mask, "Nanao's totally being selfish… totally."

Nanao had already gotten used to this routine after overreacting for a century or so, so she merely shrugged and concluded, "Since sales aren't doing that well, my suggestion is that we find ways to advertise."

"You mean product placement?" drawled Rangiku, who had made sure that she was so drunk, that by the time they were in the meeting room, that she couldn't hear anything over the pounding in her head.

Isane looked a bit nervous, when she noticed the devilish gleam in Nanao's eye. Her fears were not unfounded. Nanao pulled a whiteboard out of a tiny closet (!) and unveiled a giant diagram on how they would proceed.

"Wait, you want us to do WHAT?" Kiyone was fully awake now.

Nanao ignored her, proceeding to delegate tasks while tapping her clipboard, "Hinamori, Soifon, and Rangiku get to advertise the shinigami equipment that need a boost in sales," she gives the clipboard another tap, "Kiyone, Isane, Rukia and myself will be in charge of setting up stands selling the photo book, calendar, stationary, clocks and other merchandise. Nemu will team up with Yachiru to get any materials all of you need." Nanao looks at the group assembled.

The members look a bit worried, and more than one person wanted to question Nanao's sanity, or what was left of it.

**Part 1:** Anti Arrancar Spray

Rangiku had regained some of her sobriety by the time her group had gotten to brainstorming, "Well, I guess I'll take ads for the Celestial Text Messengers…"

Hinamori is scanning the list, "You do that… and Soifon, you can advertise soul candy and I'll do…" she comes to the last item on the list, "anti-arrancar spray…?"

"What?" Soifon stares at the 5th Company Vice Captain.

"How are we gonna advertise that?"

Hinamori sighed, "I guess we can do a commercial or something."

"Most people don't even have televisions," Soifon pointed out.

"How about we make a commercial and send it to all the shinigami's celestial text messengers," commented Rangiku, "That saves me work."

"Well, that means we need a casting call…"

Somewhere in Huego Mundo, Uliquoria is trying to unsuccessfully spread peanut butter over a slice of bread with his Zanpakuto; instead, he reduced the toast to a ball of… something. He fervently wished he had a bread knife, but Aizen had deemed them too lethal to carry around. Too lethal! Nevermind what he was using to make a sandwich at the moment. He sighed, only one thing to do, smuggle a bread knife.

And so, that's what caused him to walk into Seritei that day. Not to cause mass carnage or beat up shinigami, but instead to purchase a bread knife. That's when he noticed a line of other arrancar that he didn't recognize, waiting in line to go into a shop of some sort.

He walks up to the nearest one, and notices two things, one; she must be a numeros, because he didn't recognize her, and two, the remainder of her mask was slipping. Strange. "You must have gotten the same idea as I did," he commented to her.

Soifon, who was attempting to keep her remnant of a hollow mask on, tries to nod sagely, and the tiara that she had covered in plaster of Paris, nearly slides down her head.

At that moment, a drunk Rangiku sticks her head out of the door, "You guys! Come in!"

The two of them are ushered in to the room with a few others. Namely, Kira, attempting to cinch a plaster covered belt around his waist, Sunsui, having covered his hat in plaster, Kenpachi, sporting plaster bells that made gong like sounds when he moved, and Iba, wearing plaster covered sunglasses and banging into things.

Hinamori is standing in front of them holding a bottle of what seems to be pepper spray.

"Okay! Look lively!" slurred Rangiku as she swayed on her feet, balancing a camera and a bottle of sake.

Hinamori brandishes the pepper spray and makes a few experimental squirts at Kira, who collapses, clutching his eyes, out of camera range. He then rolls over and walks out of the room, grinning sheepishly.

Uliquiria is a bit apprehensive, but then he assumes that it's just a home video in exchange for the bread knives.

Kenpachi is next. He actually whips out a Zanpakuto and spars briefly with Hinamori, before falling victim to the 'pepper spray'. Sunsui had lifted Rangiku's bottle of sake and was helping himself to a nice long draft, until Hinamori came over menacingly with the spray and Sunsui fell over in a mock faint. Uliqoria came next, he let the 5th Company vice captain spray him with the bottle, whatever it was, it made his eyes water, he sauntered off, blinking tears from his watering eyes.

He tapped Rangiku on the shoulder, "Where can I get a bread knife?"

In response, the shinigami grabbed Iba's Zanpakuto from it's sheath, as the vice captain crawled from the green screen, "Here ya go!"

Mission Report: Objective One and Two Completed

"What do you mean your objective is completed?" Nanao looked at Rangiku as she slid in her report. Rangiku smiled.

Somewhere in the Real World, Ichigo is scanning in the messages on his celestial text messenger when he notices the drunken video, "And here I thought ouradvertisements were weird…" Just then, the battery dies, "Already!? I just got it! Now I need to get another one from hat and clogs…"

Next Objective: Soul Candy

Soifon is stumped. She couldn't think of a single thing to do to advertise for a box of souls… Hmm… she just had to make them popular…

Soifon paid a visit to Yachiru and Nemu, "Okay, so this is the plan. What do you think?"

Nemu looked a bit apprehensive, "Are you sure we can pull this off without dying?"

Soifon shrugged, "Worth a try."

And that's what caused Soifon to stand outside Kenpachi's room in the dead of night with a tube of Super Super Carpentry glue, a large chappy soul candy poster and a sheet of chappy stickers. She snuck inside, utilizing centuries of stealth training, and proceeded to knock down a line of swords set like dominoes. Kenpachi didn't even stir; after all, Yachiru had slipped a dose of something Nemu cooked up into his dinner. She quickly pasted the poster over his haori and proceeded to place bunny stickers on every article of his clothing. She then crept out onto the next victim.

And so, Soifon spent the better part of a night pasting soul candy ads on most of the captains.

The next morning, Yachiru hummed happily as she waltzed into Kenpachi's room and stopped. She looked into the head of a life size chappy with it's hair slicked into spikes and adorned with bells, on top of Kenpachi's body, which was adorned with multiple chappy stickers and a chappy poster. She started laughing hysterically.

"What's the matter?" growled Kenpachi.

Yachiru giggled and pointed a shaking finger at the nearest mirror. A bloodcurdling howl rent the entire 11th Division.

How Rukia reacted to her brother, dressed similarly to Kenpachi, except with duck ornaments, and sporting a Yuki head, we will never know, she had to be escorted to fourth division in shock.

Soifon was a bit confused that morning when she ran into Sunsui, his straw hat pulled low over a panda head.

She wondered confusedly on how that had happened and consulted Nemu, "What happened?"

Nemu blushed, "President Yachiru thought it would be better if the captains could keep the product placement for awhile. The transformation should wear off in twenty-four hours."

Soifon realized two things, one, they were as good as dead, and two, Genrusai looked younger, if not less severe, when he sported a penguin head.

Mission Report: Objective 3 completed

Nanao sighed and looked at her captain, and then back at the paper. And then she ordered the entire stock of the panda soul candy heads, just to wave in Sunsui's face the next time he was being annoying.

bleached: And that's part I! I'll get part II up as soon as I finish wringing out the cramps in my hand… and if we get another snow day!

Byakuya: -walks up to author with murder in eye-

bleached: But seeing how it is, I gotta run!


	8. January 27th Meeting: Part 2

**Shinigami Women's Society**

By bleached.dragon

_Bleached: Sorry that took so long… I was a bit busy this week… and this is dedicated to a certain person who takes advertising seriously… Review my story and you'll see what I'm talking about._

_Isane: --nervous expression-- W-w-what do you have planned?_

_Bleached: Don't worry… all you'll be doing is playing games…_

**Part III:** Wait! You're exploiting videogames too?!

Isane is standing inside a warehouse of merchandise. She suddenly realizes the extent of the shinigami videogames they had there and that's when she got an idea.

The next day found Yachiru and Nemu installing a giant screen onto a billboard that had appeared overnight. Curious Shinigami forsook their duties to watch the curiosity. Somewhere in an office, Isane loads the first game.

"It's a fighter," she says, worriedly to Rukia, who had since recovered from trauma, but would never look at ducks the same anymore.

"It should be fine," Rukia reassured her.

The two of them picked up the confusing controllers and stared at the screen. Rukia picked up Byakuya and Isane selected Kenpachi. Isane jerks, as a mechanical voice shouts, "Fight!"

Isane was never suited to play games, she jerked the controller wildly, hitting every button and sobbing, "Fishcakes!" The result was that the onscreen Kenpachi was doing a wild Irish dance, to the chagrin of many an 11th Company member.

Sobbing and praying to a god, any god, Isane slammed down all the buttons at once. Suddenly the metallic voice sounded again, "Special Move." Kenpachi ripped off his eye patch and speared the 6th Company Captain, who had been standing still, for Isane didn't have time to explain what Rukia, who was a bit old fashioned, was supposed to do with the contraption.

Renji, who was on a break and watching the battle with a cup of tea, threw is tea at the screen and ran in search of the fighters… followed by a giant mob of screaming 11th Company members because Isane has resumed her hopeless button mashing and Kenpachi had started inflicting self-damage… if that's possible.

Meanwhile, as Renji and the 11th Company mob turned over every leaf to find the gamers, Soifon walked in.

She stared at the screen for a bit, and then produced a headphone from the box of tangled cords that was a game system and plugged it in, "This is your commentator, Soifon!"

Isane, thinking that the Kenpachi character must be defective, switched to Mayuri.

"Fighter one has switched to Mayuri! Oh! Look, Mayuri has gone Bankai!"

The sobbing Isane made a few button jabs, but was blocked by a suddenly activated Senbonzakura, wielded by an equally clueless Rukia.

"And Senbonzakura blocks it! You know… Mayuri's Bankai looks like an unholy big Buddha head… Well it does match his face…"

At that comment, hordes of screaming thirteenth company members joined the already raging mob.

"Let's switch games," said Isane cheerfully, wiping cold sweat from her forehead, "How about this one?"

The game she indicated was labeled, "Cooking Yachiru". Isane trembled and inserted the disk…

Yachiru's face popped up in the screen, "Hello! Welcome to Cooking Yachiru, for your tutorial, we will be making egg rolls…" At these words, Isane keeled over in a dead faint, remembering her latest nightmare.

Yachiru continued, unfazed, "My lovely assistant Pachinko-head will help us," here Ikkaku popped up in a maid outfit and pink wig, "Fist, press a and b to knead the dough…" Ikkaku posed erotically and tittered, at this point, Ikkaku, who had been refraining from the urge to fight, joined in on the mad screaming mob.

Rukia responded with a flurry of button jabs and didn't stop pressing buttons until the finished dish rolled out. At which a smiling Kenpachi ate a bit and shouted, "BANZAI!" Which is when Kenpachi and the rest of 11th Company joined the fray.

Soifon stared at the screen, "That's really creepy…"

Rukia was scrolling through the character list, "Hey! Look! There's a bunny named Byakushi that you can play as…"

Soifon dove for the controller, "NO! That's Captain Kuchiki in a bunny suit!"

It was too late; Byakuya appeared over the screen in a bunny suit and bounced around, eating a carrot and making ambiguous noises. He tasted the finished dish with another resounding, "BANZAI!

Byakuya and rest of 6th Company joined the throng of torch wielding Shinigami.

"Let's do another one," suggested Soifon hurriedly and shoved the nearest game in the consol.

Bright, seizure-inducing letters popped on the screen, "Mad slaughter with Captain Unohana Retsu!"

"Uh oh…"

Soifon deftly used to controller to use the 4th Company captain in a series of bloody conquests which involved either fighting, reducing things to rubble, dissecting things, or other gory things. All the while, the Captain screamed slogans that went along the lines of; "We'll heal you to death!"

This is about when 4th Company lost all self-control and ran into the fray, some of its members waving long-winded banners that read somewhere along the lines of, "We don't heal people to death… we know better than that! But since you bullied me, I guess I can let you die a bit—EEEYYYA!" Leave it to 4th Company to have great banners.

(Unohana: But you made those banners… bleached: call it writer's block)

Rukia is shifting through the piles of games, "these are all those games that were supposedly never made… the ones the captains came up with… Here! Look! There's one with Sunsui!" She slides the disk into the consul.

Five minutes later, all the women in Seritie join in one angry mob to hunt down the 8th Company Captain, and after they lost their purpose when meeting up with the bulk of the other angry mob, they all charge off together. Well, except for the 8th Company members, who commenced in chasing their Captain until they lost him in the mob.

(bleached: if you don't know, in one of the omakes, Yamamoto asks the captains to think of a videogame idea for a new SS game… which is what Rukia was referring too. Also, Mad Slaughter with Captain Unohana Retsu is a combination of Kenpachi and Mayuri's game ideas… with 'healing slogans' thrown in.)

Toshiro Hitsguya was in a bad mood, he stalked through the streets of Seritie with murder in his head. He remembered why, Hinamori was unwell. Yesterday, she had handed him a flier that requested any interested shinigami to dress as arrancar and meet at the North Barracks in 5th Company's Training Facilities.

Aizen's curse must go deeper than he thought, since when he went to check on Hinamori, he saw a drunk Rangiku waving a camera and prodding along the shinigami who were cosplaying arrancar along towards the defenseless Hinamori. Well, she was holding a bottle of pepper spray, but what's that going to do when faced with an arrancar? Somewhere in Huego Mundo, Uliquora sneezes violently as he butters a slice of toast.

So he wasn't in a very appreciative mood when he saw a giant billboard, on which he was… He managed to resist the urge to strangle someone.

On the screen, he was dressed as Sun Wukong and hopping along, hitting monsters with his cudgel and scratching himself. Next to him, on a white horse with Rangiku's head mounted on it, was Ukitake dressed as Sanzang, sobbing pitifully. (bleached: spends 88 of the journey either reciting poetry or crying.)

A few hours later, with Soifon and Rukia going through the catalogue of Yachiru's twisted game selection, all the companies except for 1st had joined into a mass mob that had completely forgotten what they had set forth to do in the first place.

They divided into factions, Yachiru leading her group to eradicate all the dead ends in Seritie, Renji and Byakuya's groups were locked in combat, Unohana's group was trying to medicate Zaraki's group, Sunsui's group was chasing Nanao's group of Women's Shinigami Society members and sympathizers, Nemu's group was dragging comatose people off the battlefield to where Mayuri was waiting like a jackal, and the list went on.

Commander Yamamoto leaned out his window and laughed, "Idiots." Until he caught sight of the billboard and the newest game, "Yamamoto Piñata Whacking!" He gave a howl of rage and led his troops out into the city.

Meanwhile, Rukia, Soifon, and Isane, who had woken up, were drinking tea and massaging their fingers when they noticed Yammy walking past holding the box of games they had just run through.

"Hey wait! What are you doing?!" Soifon jumped up.

"Sorry," replied Yammy apologetically, "These are Aizen-sama's favorite games that he had on loan to Yachiru…" He left without further ado, leaving the shinigami open mouthed.

"Wait, so those weren't SWS products?!"

"So we went through all that trauma for nothing?!"

Isane's shrill scream rent the air, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

_Bleached: I know! I really sucked, didn't it? Oh well, call it writer's block… anyway, if you guys have topic ideas, please suggest them! Bleached is running dry!_


	9. February 9th Meeting: Part 1

**Shinigami Women's Society**

_Bleached: hey! It's me again… This time, following up the disastrous events that was the SWS advertising committee, some unexpected things happen… Hint: This one is dedicated to my dear friend IluvBleach for her promise of Taj Mahal imploding action…_

_Nanao: Uh-oh…_

_Bleached: It's nothing bad, promise._

_Nanao: That's what you said to Isane, and now the poor girl is still raving in a bed at her own medical ward…_

_Bleached: … anyway, there also will be some 'touching' Momo and Shiro moments…_

_Nanao: Knowing you, it must be a MomoxShiro parody…either that, or they suffer horribly…_

_Bleached: eh… anyway, please enjoy this edition to my story…Oh and keep reading until you hit the bottom of the page… otherwise you'll miss my end author notes…_

**February 9th Meeting**

**Topic: The Wrong Kind of Therapy x2/ Vacation**

**Part I**

Nanao is in high spirits as she follows the Shinigami Women's Society President Yachiru Kusajishi into the spare room in 11th Division where the mystical structure that was the SWS headquarters existed.

Hinamori's mood doesn't nearly match those of her President and Vice President. She's gazing gloomily at a pocket picture of Aizen.

Momo slumps at her table, trying not to drip tears onto the clean surface. She wishes she were back on her cozy bed in the 4th Division Relief Center, and then she doesn't, considering the only reason that she forced herself to walk out in apparent full heath was to get away from that 4th Division lady…

She shuddered; remembering that the lady's idea of therapy was to blast pop songs at her 24 hours a day. Since she tried to get away from the darn bubblegum pop music, the lady assumed that it was working and had permanently attached ear buds to her bandages with this weird glue she borrowed from Nanao, (bleached: --evil laugh--Super Super Carpentry glue is everywhere!) and they only got them off after a four hour long surgery. So Hinamori had announced that she was done and had stomped out of the Relief Center, only to collapse near a trashcan, which was where a worried Toshiro had found her several hours later.

Toshiro… she sighed and couldn't help shedding a few tears over the fact that her short little friend thought she had severe mental problems. About that though, she didn't know anymore if it was true or not, after all, if Aizen had taken a few brain cells, she wouldn't know and could only wish that he kept them close to his heart.

At this point she looked up to suddenly realize that during this entire internal drama, the rest of the SWS crew were staring fixedly at her, and had been for the last five minutes.

"Momo…?" Hinamori flinched at Rangiku's gentle voice and cowered away from the buxom fellow Society member, afraid that she might be stuck with that horrible lady again…

"YOUR'RE A GENIUS!"

There is a pause and Hinamori silently reconsidered what she had been doing the last minute, no, maybe hour? Day? Year? Century? That deserved such a title, and she came up blank, "…r-really?"

"WHOOOO!" Rangiku had definitely been imbibing alcohol with Sunsui sometime during the day.

Nanao seemed to be thinking the same thing; she grabbed Rangiku and said in a steady voice, "Was Captain Koryaku with you?"

"What?" Rangiku struggled out of Nanao's iron grip and sniffed haughtily, "I was just going to say that, Momo could go far with acting skills like those she got… In fact! The heroine in the show _Bleach_ that those guys from 8th Company are doing just quit, and the Captain has been handling most of 5th Company's paperwork, so I think that Momo should apply!"

"WHA—!" without further complaint, Momo was dragged out the door.

Nanao sighed and held up a giant envelope, "Well, we were going to go on a trip with the proceeds from the items sold last meeting, but it seems that Hinamori needs our help and we can't leave a comrade to suffer trauma alone."

"Yes we can," chorused the assembled members and the next moment, Nanao found her hand empty and half the members gone, only Soifon and Nemu still remained. As for the rest, led by Yachiru, Rukia, Isane, Kiyone and Renji had deserted. Yes, Renji's still a member. Rangiku wasn't joking when she accepted him, although they didn't really have a need for a pack mule in the last meetings. They only forcibly kidnapped him so that he could carry luggage.

"I guess this is what you call a schism," commented Nanao to an empty room, "Or maybe a total desertation," she added wryly, realizing that Nemu had joined the vacation goers and Soifon had just vanished.

Nanao caught up with Soifon on the set of _Bleach_ hiding behind a potted plant with a pair of binoculars, "What are you doing?"

Before the captain could reply, one of the more dimwitted, or drunk, members in the crew walked over and called, "Hey look! It's a talking bush." (bleached: I know! Can't you let me indulge in a cliché once in a while?)

Soifon managed a tentative, "Hello…?"

Nanao and Soifon quickly realized that he must be drunk when he prostrated himself on the floor and cried, "Oh wise and powerful great bush! Grant my your eternal knowledge."

Nanao also realized that whoever that guy from her division was, he seemed to either read too many romance novels or watch too many soap operas, although one could argue that they are virtually the same thing. "Um," she hesitated and then plunged headlong into a whacked out plan, "Um… I'll tell you… if…if… you make Momo………a CAKE!"

"Of course, Great and Noble Bush, sir," the cast member bowed and rushed to complete his task.

Soifon looked at Nanao strangely, "A cake?"

Nanao shrugged, "Ichigo got over childhood trauma with the help of pudding, so why shouldn't cake work?"

Soifon was about to agree when they heard Hinamori break out in heart wrenching sobs, "Right…" Soifon glared at Nanao, "It'll totally help her get over trauma."

Nanao gave Soifon a look of pure venom and ran off to the sobbing Hinamori. Soifon shrugged and joined her.

Five minutes later, the 8th Company member ran panting to the vacated shrub, holding a chocolate cake, "O, great and noble bush?"

So what was Hinamori crying over anyway? It was something called a dramatic scene. Hinamori was wearing a blonde wig and platform shoes, in an attempt to make her resemble the former actress who played the heroine. She was sobbing over the idiot third seat of 8th Company who was lying on the ground, covered in chicken blood, or was it ketchup? On the side, Sunsui was holding cue cards upside down while having a nice drink with Rangiku.

Nanao rushed over to Hinamori and hugged her murmuring, "It's okay, you don't have to cry."

There is a pause, and then an aid remarks, "Um, she's supposed to cry this scene though…"

Nanao realized that Hinamori was actually acting and that bringing her to the _Bleach_ cast wasn't actually an excuse on Rangiku's part to have a few more drinks with Sunsui. She flicked a glance at Rangiku and Sunsui and sighed, or maybe not.

After everything had been sorted out, Nanao, now holding the cue cards, stood next to the camera, while Soifon bellowed orders from the director's chair. The two Shinigami Women's Society had decided that the cast and crew were too happy drunk to be much use and had somehow taken it upon themselves to revamp the show.

Continuing their streak of bad luck though, Toshiro happened to pass by the building and ventured in, drawn in by the siren's call of the drinking songs that the cast and crew were singing. He also happened to come in when Nanao was squirting Hinamori with a bottle ketchup, "What are you doing?"

"Acting."

Toshiro began to wonder if anyone was sane anymore, "What?"

Before the Society members could reply the long forgotten 8th Company Member stumbled onto the set brandishing a chocolate cake that read 'Happy Birthday Captain Aizen', "One special delivery for Miss Hinamori Momo!"

There is a pause, and then Hinamori burst into tears without even waiting for her cue, she flung herself on Toshiro sobbing hysterically. The 10th Company Captain tried to pry himself from Hinamori but they soon realized that somehow, the two of them had been glued together.

"But I thought it was ketchup!"

Nanao checked the bottle's label, "Uh oh…"

"What now?!"

Nanao sighs, "It's the Special Edition Valentines Day Red Super Super Carpentry Glue."

There is a deathly silence; all that could be heard was Rangiku and Sunsui singing in a slurred falsetto duet.

"WHAT?!"

"In other words," Nanao sighed, "You're stuck to each other."

"Uh-uh," Soifon interjected, "Tidal wave."

"No way we're busting another water tank, you know that Yamamoto nearly fried us last time."

"I was thinking more along the lines of dumping them in a sewer," was the calm reply.

At this, Toshiro made a mad dash for the door, half carrying the incoherent Momo before Nanao stopped him.

"We might as well get the issue of Momo's breakdowns figured out since you guys are going to be there for awhile," commented Nanao.

After Hinamori had been calmed, she sobbed, "That was my cake for Captain Aizen…"

Toshiro looked disgusted, "You made him a _cake_?"

Hinamori sniffed, "I spent so much time on everything, it was perfect. And then he died," she sniffed again, "I was so happy that he was alive, because that meant that everything didn't go to waste."

There is a pause.

Hinamori continued, "I bought him a new pair of glasses too! Since his old ones were so ugly… See?" She brought out a pair of rather ordinary glasses attached to what looked like a bright pink sequined giant masquerade mask, "I also made him a haori to match it."

There is a dead silence.

"No wonder Aizen left."

Nanao, "Okay! Great punch line! Let's end it here, before anything worse happens!"

Toshiro sighs, "Hinamori, what's been going on?"

"I'm sorry I've been worrying you… It's okay now…"

Nanao makes shooing gestures, "Come ON! You're going to make it worse!!!"

Toshiro ignores the indignant 8th Company Vice Captain, "You can talk to me about anything that's been worrying you…"

"Shiro… thank you…"

Before anything else could happen though, Rangiku interrupts, "But you do know that you're too short for her, Captain-chan! Now, Vice Captain Yachiru on the other hand…"

Nanao quickly drops a giant black curtain on the scene, "And that is the end of today's installment of the hit drama parody series, _Bleach_! Watch it Sundays at 9." She bows and there is a groan from the studio audience.

_Bleached: Ah... that didn't turn out a funny as I wanted it to be… And the ending was a bit pathetic…_

_Toshiro: We're still stuck together… --is pushed into a sewer with Hinamori--AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_

_Hinamori: --hic--Aizen?_

_Bleached: Okay, next part, we catch-up with those gals on vacation…_

_Soifon: --holding giant megaphone--I bet they're having a better time than us… Hey! You there! Get in line!!! No! Not wine! Line!_

_Bleached: heh… I had to indulge in another cheap joke…_

_Rukia: --looks nervously at bleached--I don't want to know what twisted new story you're thinking of… it's vacation for heaven's sake! Cant you just make an allusion to us having a traumatizing time!_

_Bleached: Hmm… you know… this section is called therapy x2… the two were supposed to be Hinamori and Toshiro… but… --evil gleam in eye--_

_Rukia: NO! I didn't say anything!!!_

_Nanao: You notice that the commentary is getting longer and longer each chapter?_

_Bleached: --sigh--my dear sweet Nanao… it's called filling up space…_

_Nanao: Are you sure you haven't been spending the weekend with Sunsui and Rangiku?_

_Bleached: It's exactly 2000 words!_


	10. February 23rd Meeting

**Shinigami Women's Society**

_Bleached: And bringing in part two of the Feb 9__th__ Meeting, it's the girls on vacation!_

_--Yachiru slides by on a water slide—and because of he self-indulgent and overlong author notes on the last chapter, I'm not including any running dialogue… It's because the readers shouldn't expect me to be consistent, otherwise they wont read my stories, and we don't want that (it's called reverse psychology). Therefore, I also need to cut the glue jokes…--sniffs and drops bottle in trash. Immediately, the bottle is regurgitated—Wow… even the trashcan doesn't want that glue… I wonder if it's radioactive…_

**February 23rd Meeting**

**Topic: First Aid**

Everything seems back to normal, although a particularly pungent smell wafts around Hinamori. The members who had departed had likewise returned unscathed, except of course the fact that Renji was dyed pink (bleached: I didn't mention this particularly lame gag in my 'not recycle old jokes' speech).

Soifon attempts to figure out what happened to the rest of the crew on vacation, "Was it fun?"

"Don't ask about it," Rukia replies in a metallic voice and leaves it at that. (bleached: actually, I suffered from writer's block and decided to skip it :P).

Nanao sighed blissfully, glad not to have to deal with the group and dumped a box on the table, "Today, Isane will be leading a first aid seminar."

There is a collective groan, but Isane is all smiles as she prods everyone along to fourth company with a spear.

"Since when did she get so gung-ho?" muttered Rangiku as the society was forced to enter a medical ward. She realized the answer the moment she laid eyes on their patients, the over intoxicated, battle lustful, 11th Company members, "Oh. Shoot." She tries to run for the door.

Isane bars their way, "No one can run!"

So the members find themselves outfitted in shock collars while Isane waves a button cackling maniacally. It's just then that they realize how terrified Isane must be of the 11th Company people. As they say, the bullied become bullies, either that, or they shoot themselves, and the SWS members can't tell which side of the spectrum Isane is leaning towards.

After Isane had matched the SWS members with a patient, a particularly brawny man shivering underneath Yachiru's gentle touch, she began to demonstrate procedures.

"First, um…" Isane suddenly realized she forgot the first step of procedure, "You um… paint the patient green!"

There are many raised eyebrows, but Yachiru is elected to go purchase this healthcare commodity, to the relief of her patient.

Yachiru skips lightly along the road, holding the money intended for the paint and gets sidetracked. Namely, she stops at the candy store and spends all the money on lollypops.

As she skips out the door, she runs into a particular 8th Company Captain, who was apparently drunk and calls her a chibi. Yachiru takes offence and launches herself forward, latching her teeth onto Sunsui's hat. Being the drunken oaf he is, Sunsui continues along, humming a drunken ballad.

As she swings along, attached to Sunsui's head, Yachiru suddenly realized that it wasn't fun anymore and tries to extract her teeth from the straw of his hat. And tried again. She gave a moan of pure agony when she realized that she was stuck to his hat as he tottered into his office and gave a flowerpot a drunken hug and kiss.

So, the chibi tries to communicate with Sunsui, by clobbering him hard on the head.

"Eh?" moans Sunsui; "It feels like a tiny pink haired girl who is stuck to my head just hit me…" he laughed drunkenly at his joke, "What are the chances of that? Must be the hangover."

Yachiru utters a few muffled curses that she learned from Ikkaku and then she pauses, as something strikes her, "you know, you're hat kind of tastes like a green banana."

Sunsui begins to think that he's hallucinating; "Now I hear voices in my head, first cursing and then talking about green bananas…"

Yachiru sighed. Sunsui was definitely drunk. "I'm going to tell Nanao-chan that you've been drinking," she threatened huffily.

"Don't do that, little voice in my head," Sunsui sighs, "Nanao will be mad a hit me."

Yachiru was tempted to do just that at the moment, but she decided that Sunsui would be a great toy and she muttered some instructions, "Then go to 12th Company?"

"Why?"

"Just do it!"

"Okay, okay! You're beginning to sound like Nanao-chan," he pauses, "You aren't Nanao-chan, are you, little voice inside my head?"

"Nope! Now 12th Company is that way!"

The two of them troop off in the opposite direction of 12th Company.

Back at 4th Division Relief

Rangiku is examining her nails; "It's been an hour already."

Soifon shrugged, "Why do we need paint anyway?"

"I'll answer that with another question: Why are we here anyway?"

"Why is the sky blue?"

"Something to do with light reflecting."

"That was a rhetoric question."

Back to Yachiru

After walking in several circles, they finally found the correct course to 12th Company.

Sunsui experienced a sober moment, when he realized that he was sitting in an air duct with a pink haired hitchhiker and had no idea how he got there, so he took a swig of sake to 'clear his head' and continued inching down the ventilation pipe with Yachiru's cheerful encouragements.

To say Yachiru's cheerful encouragements is an overstatement. The tiny Shinigami was sleeping, her teeth still lodged in the straw hat, having lost interest somewhere through sewage tunnel #11.

So, after finding an empty room and dropping in, all the while posing like a drunken ninja, Sunsui dusted off his hat and faced a room full of machinery parts. That's when Yachiru woke up.

Several Hours Later

Captain Commander Genrusai is drinking his afternoon tea and all is blissful. He sighed; the outlook was good, no rioting or other strange occurrences. He gazed out the window and realized that he had spoken too soon as several tall buildings crumpled like rice paper.

He gaped as a giant metal… thing, burst into one of Seretie's candy shops. He looked closely and realized it was some sort of pink Mech suit, as it crashed through a sake shop, swaying like a drunk. He sighed, turned around, and pretended that what ever it was didn't exist.

It didn't work that well, considering that the next moment the pink Mech crashed headlong into the Captain Commander's office. He blanched as it plowed through his china collection and stared up into the tinted glass of the cockpit to see a deformed silhouette. He shuddered, noticing that whatever it was had two heads and four arms.

Inside the cockpit of the Mech

Yachiru is having a disagreement with Sunsui, "No! It's that way!"

"Sake…! Sake…!"

The disagreement was one-sided, considering that Sunsui suddenly come upon a craving for sake and, as he began to turn blue, angled for the nearest source of sake.

Yachiru finally lost patience and head butted the 8th Company Captain, who flew out of the giant Mech and onto the street, minus his hat, which was still lodged in Yachiru's front teeth.

He turned towards the sweet smell of sake and stumbled off.

"Sake…! Sake…!"

Yachiru wound her fingers around controls that were too big for her hands and immediately the Mech lurched forward. She chucked, "Finally! I shall destroy them all!"

The Mech teetered for a moment and then ambled forward down a road and straight towards a dead end. Yachiru's motives became frighteningly apparent as she smashed through one dead end after another.

She cackled madly, "Now, Ken-chan and I will never get lost!" Which was exactly what happened to Yachiru at that moment as she went straight through a wall and into Rukongai.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…!"

Inside the nearest Sake shop

Sunsui had crashed into the shop and immediately chugged the nearest bottle he could find.

The storeowner cowered behind the cash register, this must be what a zombie is! He ran through a mental list of what to do in case of a zombie attack. "A stake… where can I find a stake?" he mumbled to himself and made a dash for the silver shop next door, "Silver might work…"

He came back laden with a silver rapier and flung it at the 8th Company Captain, who was chugging his best alcohol, screaming, "Die Zombie! Die! Die! Die!"

The sword missed, striking the pot of ale instead.

In a complete incoherent rage, the owner ran for the grocery store. Then he ran back out, after exhausting his garlic supply. And then went down the list of mystical cures for 'zombies'. Finally, fed up, he ran for the atomic weaponry store.

Ikkaku and Iba, after getting off from a long hard day of paperwork, paid a visit to a sake shop. Sunsui steps out of the shop, covered in garlic and who knows what, and waves to them drunkenly. Suddenly, a missile crashes into the ceiling and decimates the store entirely.

Back to our Mech wielding friend

Yachiru stumbled back into Seritei and straight through several shops, namely a paint shop, which left the pink Mech with a dripping green coat. She smashed into the 4th Company Relief Center and showered the inhabitants of the wing that contained the Shinigami Women's Society members with green paint.

Hopping out of the cockpit, Yachiru cheerfully informed the inhabitants, "It's time for my run with Ken-chan!" And left the room, humming, knowing that this time, they wouldn't be seeing any dead ends.

A startled Isane accidentally presses the button for the shock collars.

In 1st Company HQ

Captain Commander Genrusai, stared glumly out into the skyline. A week, and Seritei has been destroyed twice. Imagine!

_Bleached: Whew! That was bad, even by my standards. Sigh I guess glue is returning to my agenda, so are characters in my Author notes… Well, next time, everyone! And thanks for waiting for my piece… Well, next time might be in awhile, because I've decided to branch out a big and write some non 'You have got to be on crack' stories. On a completely unrelated note, though, did any of you watch the 2008 Chinese New Year's show thing? Review if you have, and if you haven't!_


	11. March 14th Meeting: Part 1

**Shinigami Women's Society**

By bleached.dragon

_Bleached: Hello! I've been on hiatus for a while, but I'll make it up to you with a very special story that launches a several-pronged attack on Soul Society. Thanks for all of you who read my foray into D.Gray-man fanfic; this one is dedicated to you. If any of you readers you want a dedication, PM me with a good idea, or just PM me._

_Rukia: Are we still being including in these notes?_

_Bleached: Oh! Rukia! Goodie!_

_Rukia: Is that response normal? Or should I run?_

_Bleached: … this is what you get for being nice…_

_Rukia: Since when have you ever been nice?_

_Bleached: Ouch. Oh—snaps fingers—and if you PM me with a lame joke, I'll have Rukia tell it…_

_Rukia: WHAT?_

_Bleached: Anyway, in this arc may span a few parts…_

**March 12****th**** Meeting**

**Topic: Dancing with the Shinigami/On true love/Super Hinamori**

Nanao walked uncomfortably into the meeting room of the Shinigami Women's Society Headquarters, sat down stiffly and put her face in her hands. The other members were at a loss until Hinamori realized that Nanao was blushing.

"Nanao?"

Before they could interrogate the unfortunate Vice President, Yachiru skipped into the room and dragged her trademark crate to the podium and hopped into view. She pulled out a stick with a piece of chalk attached to it and wrote in squiggly letters, "Dancing with the Shinigami!"

The response was loud and unanimous, "WHAT?"

Nanao groaned and buried her head deeper in her uniform.

"We're doing a dance competition," chimed Yachiru, tapping the board to illustrate her point, "You'll do it in groups and you have to do it with a guy!"

The second response was similar to the first, "WHAT?"

Yachiru held up a copy of _Ballroom Dancing Weekly_, "See? It says here!"

Rangiku frowned, "Since when has the vice captain of 11th Company been reading _Ballroom Dancing Weekly_?"

Rukia blushed and mimicked Nanao's pose, her voice muffled, "After she raided Nee-sama's mailbox…"

The third response was even louder, "WHAT?"

Yachiru sighed, wondering if her fellow society members needed hearing aids, after all, they were all at the turn of a century, "D-A-N-C-E-C-O-M-P-I-T-I-O-N," she enunciated.

"No way!" Hinamori made for the door, for it was her misfortune to have two left feet.

Yachiru hadn't finished though, "W-I-N-N-E-R-G-E-T-S-A-C-A-S-H-P-R-I-Z-E."

"Okay, we're in," Rangiku spoke for the rest of the society.

They all dashed for the door, deciding to find some unfortunate shinigami to go though dance steps with.

Yachiru stood by herself at the podium and watched them go, she then clicked open a secret compartment to her trusty crate and pulled out a bottle.

Hinamori, after dashing towards 10th Company at full speed, remembered belatedly that she had forgotten the Aizen mask that she carried by her heart. She grimaced and shot back towards meeting room.

She opened the door a crack and saw the President eating some kind of pill.

Yachiru eating a mysterious white pill! She stared in shock. I need to investigate!

Hinamori pulled out a butterfly half mask that she had been making for Shiro-chan. "SUPER HINAMORI TO THE RESCUE! BRINGING JUSTICE TO PILL EATING MIDGETS NEAR YOU!" She sprinted down the hall, "I should get some more evidence first… so, ON TO 11TH COMPANY!"

Yachiru swallowed the last of her multivitamins and wondered what the ruckus was out there. She shrugged and replaced the bottle, skipping out the room thinking, "Pretty soon, I'll be as tall as Ken-chan!"

Rukia is standing in font of a giant whiteboard in a half demolished news studio with Renji. The camera pans to a shot of her face, she smiles, "Hello Soul Society, this is News Channel Shinigami. I'm Rukia Kuchiki."

Renji sighed, "You're not doing it right!"

Rukia punched him through another wall, "HOW AM I NOT DOING IT RIGHT?"

Apparently from the sorry state of the broadcasting room, they had been at it for a while.

"You're wearing bunny slippers!" growled Renji, rubbing his head.

"So?" retorted Rukia.

Renji sighed, "Whatever, just get on with the piece…"

Rukia grinned triumphantly and began, "Today, resident Yachiru Kusajishi has began what she is calling, the Annual Yachiru Dance Event…"

Before she could finish, Super Hinamori burst through the door and into Rukia's newscast.

The two aspiring newscasters stared at Super Hinamori in shock. Renji muttered something indistinguishable, growled and burst out, "What is with that OUTFIT?"

Super Hinamori had dyed her hair brown, cut it and slicked it back. She was wearing a fifth Company Captain's robe. "Shh!" she hissed, covering Renji's mouth, "I'm under cover!"

Rukia grinned, thinking Hinamori had really gone down the deep end this time, "Right, like an Aizen costume is totally inconspicuous, Hinamori."

Super Hinamori grimaced, "Don't say my real name! They'll hear you! Then they'll have power over me!"

Renji grimaced, "Who? What?"

Super Hinamori looked around cautiously, "… for now, call me SUPER HINAMORI!" She yelled the last part and augmented it with a war whoop.

"… SUPER HINAMORI-chan?" Rukia attempted to catch her attention, "Who is chasing you anyway?"

"They!"

"We need more than a pronoun you know."

"ARG! It's YOU-KNOW-THEM!" (bleached: Whoo! Bad Harry Potter joke… Rukia: Jeez, you're ripping off a lot of stuff, aren't you?)

"We do?" Renji looked confusedly at Rukia.

"Was that even grammatically correct?" echoed Rukia.

"You know them?" asked Hinamori in genuine shock, "Gasp!" she cried, "You must be my enemies too! Blast!" She flung a cabbage at them and ran off.

The two newscasters looked at each other. Rukia covered her eyes, "Why is there a fuse sticking out of the cabbage?"

Renji shrugged, "No idea, but I do know that we have our 6 o'clock news slot filled."

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO COUGH!" Super Hinamori stuck her head back in the room.

Yachiru sprinted down the hallway of 11th Company, dragging a less than excited Ikkaku and babbling about dancing. She dragged the 3rd seat through the maze of hallways until, all of a sudden, the ceiling buckled and collapsed on them, Ichigo and crew falling on the unsuspecting duo, just as Ikkaku had whipped out a sword in an attempt to convince his vice captain to decide on a sword dance instead.

So, as Ichigo came sailing down into 11th Company, he nearly had a near death incident. And then five seconds later, when he rounded the corner, he nearly had another near death incident at the hands of one, Zaraki Kenpachi, who proceeded to chase after him yelling war cries.

Yachiru's eyebrow twitched, but before she could join the chase, an enthused Orihime, who was clutching a typewriter, intercepted her.

Orihime swayed under the weight of her writing device and cheerily greeted the chibi shinigami.

Ikkaku stared; he knew that the ryoka girl had strange habits that included swinging leeks to polka music (bleached: someone made this continuous loop image of Orihime swinging a leek to polka music and she and the polka became even more famous…), but this?

Ishida sighed, "If you want to know about the typewriter, Orihime thinks that's it's romantic."

"Romantic?" Ikkaku watched Orihime nearly topple over as she dropped the typewriter, while trying to pen down another sentence and the entire contraption flew through the floor and nearly killed Maki-Maki, who spent the next few weeks in a fetal position sobbing, "Why?"

Chad grunted, "She's writing the great Japanese novel."

"The great…" Ikkaku shuddered.

"Actually, the typewriter is better than what she had earlier," commented Ishida, "she got this idea that she should pen the novel in calligraphy and re start whenever she made a mistake…" (bleached: Actually, J.R.R. Tolkien did this…)

Ikkaku had never considered Orihime particularly sane, but didn't really think she was that crazy, after all, he had a psychotic, pink haired, chibi for a vice captain, but seriously, she actually, like, wrote stuff. The 3rd seat shuddered.

While Super Hinamori was off fighting for justice, someone else had gotten to her dance partner of choice, someone who had no choice but to return to 10th Company anyway, someone named Rangiku Matsumoto.

"Come on Captain!" she wined, "It'll be a lot of fun!"

"Fun is for kids," Toshiro replied stoically.

"Nuh-uh," Rangiku pouted, "I'm not a kid… although you are."

"Stop calling me a kid."

Rangiku's face turned serious, "You know captain…"

"What?" Toshiro replied wearily.

"You really do sound like a kid."

"MATSUMOTO!"

"Te-he, sorry Captain… but I'll take that as a yes…"

"MATSUMOTO!"

"Let's do a ballet."

"MATSUMOTO!"

"No? A tango then…"

Toshiro covered his eyes and wondered what kind of toxic potion Mayuri might sell him.

_Bleached: Okay, since a lot of things have been going on… our sweet, sweet Nanao-chan will give us the recap._

_Nanao: Okay, this is what has happened:_

_1) Yachiru starts a dance competition._

_2) Hinamori sees Yachiru eating multivitamins and fears the worst._

_3) Hinamori goes off the deep end._

_4) Rukia and Renji hunt for a 6 o'clock news story._

_5) Yachiru makes Ikkaku her dance partner. _

_6) Ichigo and gang show up._

_7) Ichigo gets chased off by Kenpachi._

_8) Orihime drops a typewriter through the floor while trying to write the great Japanese novel._

_9) Matsumoto and Toshiro become dance partners._

_Bleached: Okay… as you kind of noticed… that was a lot of random stuff…_

_Super Hinamori: Random stuff? This looks like a job for SUPER HINAMORI!_

_Bleached: Okay, anyway, I'll try to get the next part up soon, so wait for it and check out Hinamori's next wacky outfit._

_Rukia: You're seriously not going to go through with the joke thing, are you?_

_Bleached: I totally forgot, PM me with an idea and if I use it, I will dedicate the chapter I use it in to you… and if you PM me with a joke, lame or otherwise, I will make Rukia tell it… Okay, Bye now._


	12. March 14th Meeting: Part 2

**Shinigami Women's Society**

By bleached.dragon

_Bleached: Whooo! I'm back… after I finish this arc though… I might move into doing some other fanfic… but unfortunately no one has sent me any bad jokes…_

_Rukia: YES!_

_Bleached: do I know any bad jokes?_

_Rukia: …don't even try!_

_Bleached: Anyway, thanks y'all for so many hits, I really appreciate it, I was beginning to think that no one thought I was funny… Anyway, I was serious about the dedication stuff… but since no one sent me anything, I guess I'll dedicate this to everyone who read my story and reviewed… so, here's part two of my mega arc._

_Oh and it's Soul Society's Recycling Day, so… Bleached shall recycle some old jokes…_

_Rukia: You're just being lazy…_

_Bleached: Okay, how about this one, repeat after me Rukia, an American, a Cuban and…_

_Rukia: Don't you dare!_

_Bleached: That aside, I noticed that I have never put a disclaimer up, so here it is…_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own any franchises mentioned in this story.** Anyway, I should also mention, don't 'borrow' or otherwise take my stories and put them as your own, it's called plagiarism. And on that happy note, that you guys probably skipped over, here's the new chapter._

**March 12****th**** Meeting**

**Topic: Dancing with the Shinigami/On true love/Super Hinamori II**

Renji and Rukia were crouching behind a shrub. (bleached: Jeez… I'm so unoriginal… this is the 2nd shrub we've had… in the last month… although… it's been two episodes since a glue joke… okay… how about this…) It was sequestered to the corner of main street that wound itself though Soul Society, and a relatively new addition to the citadel, it had been paved, after Yachiru had blazed a path of destruction though the city. Anyway, the two of them are holding binoculars behind a peculiar pink bush.

Rukia looks at Renji and sighs, "Why are you dressed in that thing?"

"It's a NINJA COSTUME!" Renji growled, "I have to look the part."

"Right, but an orange jumpsuit, a ninja does not make," replied Rukia.

"BELIVE IT!" Renji jumped up involuntarily.

"Huh?"

A look of horror crossed Renji's face, "It just came out!"

"…Why don't we go and get you a nice CAT scan?" Rukia replied sarcastically.

"I'M GOING TO BE HOKAGE!" was the reply.

"Oh my," Rukia glared at her co-anchor, "and I'm going to be Chappy."

"There's a little problem with that statement," Renji began cutting his red hair with a Kunai, "You're already dressed like Chappy."

Rukia fluffed the ears of her bunny suit, "So? It's cute and why are you spraying your hair?"

Renji was spiking his (now short) red hair, which was more of an orange now, as he applied more yellow spray paint to it, "BELIVE IT!"

"WHAT?"

Renji's voice was beginning to reach an even more annoying tone than his usual, "Hey! W-w-why is my hand stuck?" He pulled at his hand in vain; it was firmly attached to his now goldenrod hair.

(Bleached: If you don't know what Naruto is, chances are, you probably didn't get that entire spiel. Anyway, Super Super Carpentry glue makes a comeback.)

Suddenly, Nanao's hand appeared in their direction from in front of the bush, "Hey! Could you pass me the spray glue?"

Rukia groans, "Will you stop ordering that blasted stuff?"

"Super Super Carpentry Glue can be neutralized by a tidal wave, cut his hair and dump him in a fountain," was the calm reply, tinged with an air that hinted that Renji wasn't the first one to make this mistake.

In his office at 8th Company, Sunsui sneezes and adjusted his wig, muttering, "And they say that blond hair desirable in a man…"

Rukia advanced on Renji holding her unsheathed Zanpakuto, "Don't worry Renji, this wont hurt one bit…"

Renji's scream rent the air.

Just as Rukia and Nanao pinned Renji down and began shaving his head, the reason that Rukia and Renji were having their stakeout skipped by them.

Super Hinamori rounded a corner and bumped into Byakuya Kuchiki who stared, openmouthed. Suddenly, the 6th Company Captain's mouth began watering.

For, standing right in font of him was the biggest nikumun he had ever seen. 

Wait, standing? 

He looked again. 

Super Hinamori quickly went into camouflage mode and sat down, the nikumun covering her legs. 

Byakuya shrugged, he must have been seeing things. 

Super Hinamori relaxed, but then, she suddenly felt herself being lifted up…

Yachiru skipped around the corner, calling, "Pachinko head! Pachinko head!" Ikkaku had given her the slip earlier, while she was discussing plot ideas with Orihime.

The flash of the sun striking someone's baldhead momentarily blinded Yachiru. She rushed forward, "IKKAKU!" and grabbed Renji by the neck.

"Where have you been?" she asked the groggy 6th Company Vice Captain, "Why are you dripping wet?" she looked at him again.

"Oh! You're so sweet Ikkaku! You dressed up for our dance practice!" Yachiru grinned from ear to ear. 

Yachiru spared a second look at Renji, "Say, Ikkaku-tan, did you do something different with your hair?"

She picked up the unconscious Renji and began dragging him off, before either the shocked Rukia or Nanao could stop her.

"Really," commented Rukia, "Renji is having a major identity crisis today…"

At 10th Company HQ, Matsumoto Rangiku was frowning at her captain in consternation. He was filing paperwork. 

Usually, she drive him so crazy that he had hysterics in the corner, but today, he was doing his work and every time she showed Toshiro the dance outfit she had fashioned for him, he only said a short, "That's nice," before signing something else. Rangiku frowned and bit her lip; she would have to do better.

Toshiro Hitsguya walked into his office at 10th Company in a black mood. His blue eyes flashed dangerously and he stalked into the room and threw himself in his chair. He had just seen Rukia kneeling in front of a pink bush gathering what looked like straw, and had learned that, once again, Hinamori had gone crazy. And this time, she had really shot off rails. 

He groaned and noticed that he was sitting on someone. "Matsumoto," he began, and then saw her, staring openmouthed in shock at him. His icy eyes widened and he slowly craned his neck around to look at the person he had deposited himself on, only to stare back into his own face. 

He screamed.

Meanwhile, Ikkaku was enjoying a nice break and he lay lethargically on the wooden floor of a covered walkway in 11th Company as he waited for his opponent to drag himself from the fishpond. He took a swig from his bottle of sake as he listened to his sparring partner scream for mercy.

Wait.

Scream for mercy? Oh, it was THAT fishpond. He had totally forgotten. (bleached: Have you guys forgotten? In the Thanksgiving episode, there are giant man-eating Koi in 11th Company. Hehe… just thought I'd dig that antiquated joke out.) He settled back when there was a sudden thumping noise and a…giant…thing… flew through the hole made by Orihime's typewriter.

Ikkaku's sparing partner raised himself from the fishpond, to see his opponent unconscious and a giant nikumun on his head? Strange… but before he could further contemplate this new development, a particularly giant Koi sprang out of the pond and grabbed his foot in a fanged mouth, and the 11th Company member quickly forgot about Renji's new hairstyle and resumed screaming.

Ikkaku on the other hand resumed consciousness to find a giant nikumun in his lap. Because his stomach primarily ruled him, he proceeded to take a big bite out of it, and then he choked, gagged and collapsed, foaming at the mouth. (Bleached: the moral, don't eat suspicious looking things, it could be worse, she could have made it with Nanao's glue… Super Hinamori: … oops.)

Presently, after several muffled curses, a zipper appeared around the side of the nikumun and Hinamori popped out, gasping for air, "Whew!" She adjusted the tiara on her head and spotted someone walking towards her along the walkway.

Ichigo Kurosaki, after a lengthy jog around Seritei had finally eluded Kenpachi by jumping into the sewer, although, in hindsight he now immensely regretted this decision. He had been attacked down there by a pink umbrella, for heaven's sake! (Bleached: Do you remember this joke?) He was beginning to wonder if anything here was sane, considering he only fought off the umbrella by shocking it with an electrical extension chord. (Bleached: There is no such thing as coincidences, only authors recycling material.)

And now…

And now…

He walked around the corner to find himself face to face with Sailor Moon, or someone who looked like Sailor Moon. Either way, she was standing on top of Ikkaku in the remains of a giant Nikumun.

"Hello!" she called out to him cheerfully, with a bright smile, "I'm Sailor Super Hinamori!" (Bleached: Just you wait, at the end of this arc, she will have a page long name.)

"Um… Nice to meet you?" Ichigo said uncertainly.

"Is there any evil around here?" Sailor Super Hinamori asked pleasantly, smiling.

Ichigo raised his eyebrows, this chick needed a CAT scan, and fast! "Um… Oh! I know! There's a giant… um… cat attacking 4th Company… Tell Unohana that you're there to scan the cat."

To his supreme surprise, Sailor Super Hinamori saluted him, and then with a wave of her staff, she ran forward, screaming, "SUPER SAILOR HINAMORI, GO! GO! GO!"

After his brush with Hinamori, Ichigo walked away quickly, and then started running and nearly bowled Byakuya Kuchiki over, "Oh, hey! Byakuya!"

Instead of giving his customary icy glare and cold response, the 6th Company Captain looked around distractedly, "Um… did you happen to see a… giant nikumun?"

Ichigo raised his eyebrows, "I saw a freaky cosplay girl standing on top of Ikkaku in the remains of nikumun."

Byakuya was already running down the hallway.

Ikkaku wakes up to find the 6th Company Captain eating off him.

Unohana examines the CAT scanner they had recently been shipped and hoped that nothing happens to it.

Renji wakes up to find himself in a tutu and no idea how he go there… must be careful of mysterious bottles.

_Bleached: Wow, quite a lot of cliffhangers… as always, our beautiful Nanao, whose not doing anything right now, is going to give us a recap._

_Nanao: Here it goes:_

_1) Renji joins the lists of psychotics and sprays glue in his hair so Rukia and Nanao shave his head._

_3) Super Hinamori shows up as a nikumun and is carried off by someone (we think it's Byakuya)_

_4) Yachiru mistakes Renji for Ikkaku and drags him off._

_5) Toshiro gets a clone._

_6) Hinamori breaks out of the meat bun costume in a Sailor Moon outfit and Ichigo tricks Hinamori into going and getting_

_9) Byakuya eats the remainder of the meat bun off Ikkaku._

_And I barely got to do anything!_

_Bleached: Are you sure you want to do anything? I can write you in…_

_Nanao: Never mind._

_Toshiro: Can you get this thing off of me!_

_Bleached: --shakes finger--No spoilers!_

_Anyway, thanks for reading, please take the time to press the review button and give me your thoughts on my piece, and please check in for the next chapter… I really appreciate your support._

_Rukia: GAH! Cut your author notes, they make up one fifth of the chapter!_


	13. March 14th Meeting: Part 3

**Shinigami Women's Society**

By bleached.dragon

_Bleached: Meh… part three and no end in sight… Anyway, so, it's spring break here so I have time to update… I'll cut the chat session short, because I bet you'll want to know how it goes with Miss Hinamori and, of course, her new cosplay piece. Oh, and there's a bit of cussing, because Ikkaku… well, let's just say, he's not happy. And neither is our diminutive friend Toshiro… Actually, the prize for most miserable goes jointly to Sunsui. Anyway, I had Yachiru make a special disclaimer._

**Yachiru: **Bleached doesn't own the characters she writes about! I do! Um… I mean, Tite does! Yeah, that's what I meant…

**March 12****th**** Meeting**

**Topic: Dancing with the Shinigami/On true love/Sailor Super Hinamori III**

Let's start with where we ended up in the end of part II…

Ikkaku wakes up to find the 6th Company Captain eating off him.

He immediately jumps up and throws a clumsy punch at Byakuya, "WHAT THE HELL!"

"Sit down," was Byakuya's calm reply.

Ikkaku sank down with an explosion of profanity, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

"Eating."

"I KNOW YOU'RE EATING!"

"Then why are you asking me why I'm eating?" Byakuya replied casually, without batting an eye, before resuming his consumption of the giant nikumun, twice the size of the 11th Company 3rd Seat it was stuck to.

Ikkaku, growing more agitated by the second, replied with a rude suggestion. Then, he pauses, "Wait… after I ate a piece of that nikumun, I passed out, so why are you still standing?"

(Bleached: I can't believe I'm writing this…)

Byakuya shrugged and proceeded to lick another piece of nikumun off Ikkaku.

The next moment, the worst thing possible happened, Yumichika emerged from a nearby doorway to find the two of them. There is a dead silence and Ikkaku opened his mouth to give an explanation and couldn't come up with one that was remotely sane. He vowed to get himself a CAT scan as soon as that damn Kuchiki stopped eating off him.

Yumichika stared and opened his mouth. Ikkaku closed his eyes, deciding that he would have to commit ritual suicide before he could get to the CAT scan. "Hey, Ikkaku, Captain Kuchiki. Nikumun! Can I have some?"

Ikkaku stared at the two of them, his mouth hanging open.

"You want some too Ikkaku? Here!" Yumichika stuffed his open mouth with a giant piece of fluffy bun. After which, Ikkaku could only splutter indignantly around a mouthful of meat bun.

"Isn't it good?" Yumichika smiled happily and produced his Zanpakuto, which he proceeded to use to shave pieces off the bun.

"MUMPH!" (Translation: DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH YUMICHIKA!)

"You want more?" asked the grinning Yumichika, bringing his blade down to cut off another piece.

"MUMPH! MUMPH!" (Normal Translation: GET THAT STUPID ZANPAKUTO AWAY FROM ME, YOU DAMN NARCASSIST! DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME?) (Yumichika Style Translation: Oooh! A butterfly!)

"A butterfly? Where?" Yumichika jumped up and scanned the courtyard.

"What are you ladies doing?" growled Kenpachi stumping into the courtyard.

"MUMPH! MUMPH!" (Normal Translation: CAPTAIN! SAVE ME!) (Kenpachi Style Translation: Oooh! Another butterfly!)

"Butterfly? Where?" Kenpachi joined his 5th Seat in scanning the courtyard.

"MUMPH!" (Normal Translation: WHAT THE HELL!) (Byakuya Style Translation: So many butterflies!)

"Butterflies!"

And with that, all three men were armed with binoculars and scanning the courtyard.

"mumph." (Normal Translation: Oh my god.)

But to Ikkaku's eternal surprise, they did find a butterfly, in fact, they found a flock of them, right on Koryaku Sunsui's robe.

Unohana examines the CAT scanner they had recently been shipped and hoped that nothing happens to it.

As peace always tends to end in their side of the world relatively quickly, no sooner had she voiced her opinion, then Sailor Super Hinamori burst into the room, yelling, "NOW YOU DIE! CAT!"

Unohana knew that her fervent wish that the CAT scanner would survive, had already crumbled to dust. She managed to keep Sailor Super Hinamori from blasting the machine to bits, "Please don't break it! I'll do anything!"

"Anything, eh?" Sailor Super Hinamori's eyes gleamed.

Unohana knew that she had spoken too soon. (Bleached: Cliffhanger!)

Before we go to Renji and his tutu, let's get an update on our irritable shorty.

"Matsumoto."

"Yes Captain?" his lieutenant replied, covering her smile with one hand.

"Give me the remote."

"What remote?" Matsumoto Rangiku replied innocently, holding the said electrical appliance behind her back.

"GIVE THE REMOTE TO ME!"

"But this is funny…" Rangiku pouted.

A passing 10th Company member briefly wondered when the Captain had gotten a television.

"WHEE! Let's play Shiro!" said the object that the remote controlled.

Toshiro glared at himself. Well, it was actually something that looked like him.

You see after getting over the initial shock of seeing himself, Toshiro had found a little package on his desk, tied up with a red ribbon. The note read:

_Happy Birthday, To-shiro-chan!_

_This Shiro robot that Akon built may come in handy._

_Ju-shiro-chan_

The box contained a remote, which Rangiku was clutching behind her back. Apparently, Akon had also installed some different personalities, half of them based off the Soul Candy personalities, but those were like a walk in the park compared to the others, namely, the one based off a certain hyperactive, pink-haired shinigami. And Rangiku just so happened to turn the setting to her on the first go.

Toshiro tried to fling himself on Toshiro's shoulder.

"We should name him something."

"Like what?"

Rangiku randomly selected an item from the 10th Company Captain's desk, "How about Advil?"

"Fine."

"Wait… why are you even eating Advil? Unless… you're not addicted to pharmaceuticals by any chance, are you? That's not good captain!" Rangiku shook her superior officer, "You'll get sick, and depressed, and you'll shoot yourself in the head!" She hiccupped and sobbed, hugging him, "Oh Captain, if you have any problems, you can just tell Rangiku here. Instead of relying on a pill…" she released a fresh batch of tears, "Although I can't promise that your problems will stay secret…"

"And you even ask WHY I use Advil."

"You use me?" asked the newly christened Advil cheerfully, "That sounds kind of wrong."

"We should name him Monkey instead," growled Toshiro trying to pry his new friend from his shoulder.

"How about Goku?"

"Better than Advil."

"Now just give him a shock collar." (Bleached: If you don't know what Journey to the West is, chances are, you didn't get that part… but Goku is the Japanese translation of the protagonist's name, Sun Wukong.)

Toshiro let out an enraged cry and grabbed the remote, Goku/Advil trailing behind him. He struggled with Matsunoto for the remote until it clattered away from both of them. And then was promptly stepped by a strange person wearing a baseball cap.

Renji wakes up to find himself in a tutu and no idea how he go there… must be careful of mysterious bottles. Or maybe it was mushrooms. Either way, he felt slightly light headed and when he rubbed his hair, he suddenly realized that all of it was gone.

His shoulders shook and he gasped, his pride, his joy, all those hours spent using conditioner.

Before he could fully commiserate the loss of his status as a pineapple, Yachiru Kusajishi stuck her head in the room, "Ikkaku! You're awake!"

"Ikkaku?" Renji scanned the room for the fight loving third seat of 11th Division.

"Silly Ikkaku, your head must still hurt from that fall!"

Renji realized that Yachiru was talking to him and belatedly realized that with his shaved heard, he looked similar to Ikkaku, if not for his distinctive eyebrow tattoos. Or not. He caught sight of his reflection in the mirror and realized that his tattoos had been removed.

"Here, have a mushroom, Ikkaku! They're tasty!" Yachiru stuffed his face with the dish.

Renji collapsed, thinking, it was definitely the mushrooms.

(Bleached: And this is the reason he didn't get the Most Miserable Award, he was comatose during his misery.)

Meanwhile, Rukia Kuchiki and Nanao Ise were standing in front of 11th Company HQ selling bottles of anti-oxidant water when Koryaku Sunsui burst out of the front door screaming bloody murder. Byakuya Kuchiki, Zaraki Kenpachi and Yumichika Asegawa followed him.

The two girls looked at each other, "What was that all about?"

"Maybe they're his spurned lovers?" Rukia hypothesized cheerfully.

"I thought your brother was married."

Before Rukia could reply, Ikkaku limped in through the doorway his robes in tatters, looking like some kind of battle worn hero.

"It's Renji!" Nanao exclaimed, "He must have escaped Yachiru."

"MUMPH!" (Normal Translation: BUT I'M NOT—!)

"That's not it," Rukia waved her hand, "Sunsui dumped the others in favor of Renji, so he got all beaten up and then they chased after Sunsui."

"Have you been reading romance novels?"

"MUMPH! MUMPH!" (Normal Translation: I'M TELLING YOU! I'M NOT RENJI! Nanao Translation: I'm thirsty! I want punch! Rukia Translation: Ooh! Even more butterflies!)

"Butteflies!" Rukia runs off to join the group chasing Sunsui.

"Here, have some anti-oxidant water, Renji." Nanao handed him a bottle of Tidal Wave Rush.

After taking sip, and finally dissolving the Super Super Carpentry Glue, Ikkaku burst out, "I'M NOT THE PINEAPPLE HEAD, DAMN YOU!' (Bleached: This is a bit belated, but credit for the term "pineapple head" for Renji goes to IluvBleach.)

"We know you're emotionally distraught, Renji," replied Nanao, "so how about we go get you a nice CAT scan."

"Okay… Wait! WHAT?"

It's been a while, and there hasn't been a mention of our resident psychopath, Sailor Super Hinamori. Miss Hinamori happened to show up in a particular division headquarter with a particular sidekick in front of a particular Gotei 13 captain, who was dealing with a particularly singular situation, with a particular conspiracy theory, all in a particular costume.

Sailor Super Hinamori's foot crunches down on Advil/Goku's remote as she parades into 10th Company HQ with a giant red and white ball strapped to her back. Without further ado, she challenges Toshiro, "Shiro-chan! I challenge you to a battle!"

Matsumoto sighs inwardly; she knew that Hinamori wasn't very right in the head, but this? This happened to be an Ash Ketchum costume with a giant pokeball strapped to her back.

"What are you doing, Hinamori?"

"How many times do I have to tell you," she retorted, "My name is Sailor Super Hinamori Ketchum."

Even Advil/Goku, imbued with the essence of Yachiru, is speechless. I mean, what can you say to a nutcase like Hinamori? Therefore, Advil/Goku burst out laughing.

"I CHOOSE YOU, PIKACHU!" Hinamori flung the pokeball to the ground.

A zipper appears around the side of the pokeball and slowly unzips, as if the inhabitant is reluctant to leave the shelter of the red and white ball. Finally, with all four inhabitants of the room staring intently, someone in a Pikachu costume sticks her head out of the ball.

"Pika." Unohana deadpanned miserably.

"GO PIKACHU! THUNDERBOLT!"

Oh, shoot! Unohana glanced around rapidly though the tiny eyehole slits, looking for something to pass off as thunder. She hoped that Hinamori was drunk enough to take anything for a Thunderbolt.

Finding nothing to aid her, Unohana had no choice but to draw on her nerdy past, "You can't use Thunderbolt yet. I have to be at level 25 before I learn Thunderbolt."

"Oh yeah, that totally makes sense," Hinamori nodded sagely, "So, what can you do?"

"Um, let's see… since I'm a level 6, then I can use Growl and Tackle. In a couple more levels, I'll be able to use Agility." (Bleached: Meh, drawing on my inner nerd.)

"Wait here Pikachu! I'll buy a couple of those level up candies… I think I need nineteen…" Hinamori ran out of the room.

There is an awkward silence which Toshiro breaks, "Well, what are you doing in that costume, Captain Unohana?"

"She threatened my CAT scan machine and then used Super Super Carpentry Glue to stick me in this costume…" The cosplaying captain replied miserably.

"Um… that…" Toshiro struggled to find something proper to say in this situation "…must suck."

"You think?"

"Anyway, small talk aside," Rangiku, who had been rummaging through the drawers, holds up a Hello Kitty costume, "I couldn't find a Pokemon costume, so Pikachu will have to fight Hello Kitty." She grabbed one of the two boys at random and began stuffing Advil/Goku into the costume.

"MATSUMOTO! THIS ISN'T HELPING!"

"Now then," commented Rangiku, "Let's change your setting to something Pokemon like…"

She messed with the wires a bit on the smashed remote control and suddenly, the contraption sparked and Advil/Goku started splashing about and deadpanning, "Magikarp!"

"Oh, shoot."

And then Miss Hinamori had returned with an armful of candy, which she began force feeding Unohana through an eyehole. After feeding the captain to level 25, she once again faced their opponent and caught sight of Goku/Advil/Hello Kitty.

She gasped and screamed, "It's…! It's…! The spawn of Satan! The cursed franchise that will destroy the earth! Hello Kitty!" (Bleached: Despite Miss Hinamori's conspiracy theories, I love Hello Kitty, which might explain a lot…)

"Um…" Unohana scratches her head, "It's a toy."

"SO?" Hinamori screamed back, "Why does Hello Kitty anagram into 'kill the toy' then?" (Bleached: It really does…)

"Wait," Toshiro had momentarily forgotten her former insanity for this new development, "You're saying that Hello Kitty will destroy the world because it has a stupid name?"

"Exactly! I'm glad we understand each other, Shiro-chan!"

Before Toshiro could develop a fitting reply, a change goes over Goku/Advil/Hello Kitty. Matsumoto had been fiddling with the wires and suddenly, with a burst of light, Goku/Advil/Hello Kitty's mood changes. (Bleached: I'm going to call him GAH for now, because it takes up less space and makes a lame joke.)

So, our friend GAH suddenly twitches and roars.

"Amazing," commented Unohana, "You evolved him."

"HEY, WHAT?" Hinamori immediately forgot her conspiracy theory and latched onto this new development, "That's CHEATING! It's not fair! I don't have any cheat codes…!"

"That's it, we're getting you a CAT scan," Toshiro stood up and grabbed everyone at once, which is no small feat, "In fact, I think that all of you need a nice CAT scan. Maybe you all have multiple tumors."

"What do you mean, Captain?" Rangiku smiled innocently, "There's nothing wrong with me…" She fiddled with the wires on GAH's controller and he suddenly roared again, beat his chest, and jumped on the nearest desk. (Bleached: King Kong gone pitiful.) He then proceeded to grab Hinamori and dash out of the room.

"Yes, you all defiantly need CAT scans, I'll write it off on the health care plan."

_Bleached: Chapter done, hope you liked it… I don't think that anyone is sane anymore here… Hm… whom should I torture next?_

_Nanao: Hello? Anyone? Jeez, you'd think that they'd have someone operating the CAT scanner since they only got it this morning…_

_Bleached: Because Nanao is otherwise occupied, she won't be giving an update… anyway, please review my story, I'd really appreciate it…_

_Nanao: Say, how did we get a CAT scanner anyway?_

_Isane: Mysterious donor._

_Bleached: Don't look at me…_


	14. March 14th Meeting: Part 4

**Shinigami Women's Society**

By bleached.dragon

_Bleached: You may have noticed, but I stopped calling Sailor Super Hinamori Ketchum by her 'full name' because it took way to long to type and I don't want to wear out my fingers. So, I'll just call her Hinamori now, but when you read it, you can read it as Sailor Super Hinamori Ketchum + whatever I plan to add to her name this chapter… I'm not really sure what's going to happen in this chapter right now, but we will (finally!) get to the second topic, "On true Love" which will extensively feature Mr. Kurosaki, Mr. Ishida, Mr. Abarai, Mr. Hitsguya, Elvis (or someone who looks a lot like Elvis) and a mob of screaming fangirls_

_._

_Rukia: And since this one's especially long (nine pages and three thousand words) it would be appreciated if you **read the bolded part of the author notes at the bottom of the page**. Thank you._

**March 12****th**** Meeting**

**Topic: Dancing with the Shinigami/On true love/Sailor Super Hinamori Ketchum IV**

The innocent citizens of Seritei are surprised to see a strange parade going over the blue tiled roofs of their homes. The leader of the strange parade was Toshiro Hitsguya, or someone who looked a lot like him. None of the pedestrians could wrap their heads around the fact that the 10th Company Captain was wearing a Hello Kitty suit and yelling at the top of his lungs.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Trailing behind him was Miss Hinamori Momo, the studious and cheerful 5th Company vice captain who always had a kind word to say. She was gibbering and wearing an Ash Ketchum outfit. She sang the Pokemon theme song at the top of her lungs, forgot half the words and ended up just yelling the show's title and the only line she knew.

"POKEMON! GOTTA CATCH THEM ALL!"

A few feet behind the duo, the real Toshiro Hitsguya sprinted after them calling out to Miss Hinamori, his blue eyes sparking angrily. In fact, his white hair seemed even spikier than usual and his perma-frown had deepened.

"Hinamori! GET BACK HERE! Super Sailor or whatever! Just GET BACK HERE!"

Behind him, sprinted his lovely vice captain, who was often found at the local bar with a bottle of sake dangling from one hand, flirting with whomever happened by. Matsumoto Rangiku seemed to be suffering some kind of pain, because she was exclaiming every step of the way.

"GAH!"

Trailing them at a safe distance was someone in a Pikachu costume, stumbling blindly along and ending the parade. The citizens of Seritei were surprised to recognize 4th Company Captain Unohana Retsu's voice emanating from the smiling mouth of the Pokemon. It couldn't be though. They laughed when the notion was mentioned; after all, the 4th Company captain was even more uptight than Byakuya Kuchiki and twice as scary when enraged. Anyway, this voice double was also screaming an anthem of her own.

"MY CAT SCANNER! GET ME OUT OF THIS THING! Oooh… candy… SERIOUSLY GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

(Bleached: If you remember, Hinamori forced 'level up candies' into Unohana's costume's eyehole.)

So, the parade song pretty much went like this:

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!_

_POKEMON! GOTTA CATCH THEM ALL!_

_Hinamori! GET BACK HERE! Super Sailor whatever! Just GET BACK HERE!_

_GAH!_

_MY CAT SCANNER! GET ME OUT OF THIS THING! Oooh… candy… SERIOUSLY GET ME OUT OF HERE!"_

It was an awful din… until the citizens suddenly realized that the parade harmonized pretty well.

The Hello Kitty/Toshiro (GAH), they realized, had a really nice pitch that accented the rest of the crew, almost a la Mariah Carey.

As for Hinamori, she made a nice refrain, with her constant repeating of the two lines she knew from the Pokemon theme song.

Rangiku's one word contribution blended in with the rest of the cacophony at a regular beat.

And Toshiro and the Unohana voice double made a nice duet.

--

Ishida was walking down main street, having detached himself from the rest of his group for some nice peace and quiet was quite startled by a horrible noise emanating from somewhere. He stumbled and slammed into a pink bush, "What is that awful sound?"

An off duty shinigami standing to the side frowned at him, "It's the most popular song in Seritei."

Ishida groaned and dragged himself from the pink bush, "And I thought that we had bad music." His cape got caught in a pink thorn and the harder he tugged, the more entangled the thorn got in his cape until it finally gave out with a ripping noise and stuck to the bush, "MY CAPE!"

The unnamed shinigami laughed, "You look better without it you know."

Ishida ignored him and pulled out a second cape, "It's a good thing I packed a suitcase full of these."

As Ishida continued down the street he was nearly squashed flat when a raving Renji ran out the door in an awkward fashion, tied to a chair.

"ISHIDA! SAVE ME!" he shook the chair in an effort to dislodge himself from it, "SHE'S COMING!"

"Ikkaku?"

"NO! I'M NOT IKKAKU! I'M RENJI!" Renji was foaming at the mouth; mushrooms and strange bottles can do things like that to people.

"Now, now, Ikkaku," Ishida put a soothing hand on Renji's arm, "I know you're having a hard time with who you are, but you'll learn to accept it like the rest of us."

Renji sighed and then dragged Ishida into the nearest music store just as Yachiru ran by yelling, "Ikkaku! Ikkaku!"

Ishida looked at Renji, "Why are you in a tutu?"

Renji sighed, "Let me start from the beginning…"

Before Renji could explain the whole fiasco to Ishida, the store's speakers began playing the hit song that had knocked Ishida into a pink bush, _Bleach_ by the Currently Isane.

Well, the box on the CD was supposed to read 'Currently Insane' but because of a typography mistake, its new artist was Currently Isane. Isane Koyetsu received a lot of fan mail for her 'masterpiece'; she always wondered why bandaging Kenpachi would be considered a masterpiece to all the head banging 11th Company members.

"_POKEMON! POKEMON!_

_GAH!_

_Hinamori!_

_GAH!_

_AAAAAAAAAH!_

_GAH!_

_MY CAT COME BACK HERE!_

_GAH!_

_THING, whatever!_

_GAH!_

_AIIIIIIIIIIEYAIIIIII!_

_GAH!_

_GOTTA CATCH THEM ALL!_

_GAH!_

_SERIOUSLY GET ME OUT!_

_GAH!_

_Candy."_

It went on for a bit, but that's the scope of things. Apparently, the Shinigami, who had run after the parade with a tape recorder, mixed the nonsensical lyrics a bit. With Akon's help, he also added a short Mariah Carey clip because sometimes, a screaming Hello Kitty's vocal range just didn't cut it.

Ishida covered his ears, "What kind of twisted people sing like that?"

Well, at the moment, Ishida's twisted people were still doing their 50 mile dash, but the shinigami, trained from long nights spent running away from an insomniac 11th Company vice captain (Kenpachi just slept through it like a rock and was no fun) who thought that setting off fireworks next to sleeping captains and vice captains was fun, were slowly gaining. GAH, having been newly made, wasn't as proficient at flash step as he should have and Hinamori was a Pokemon theme singing dead weight.

To the utter surprise of Rangiku and Toshiro, it was Unohana, waddling forward on stubby Pikachu legs who tacked GAH and Hinamori and sent them crashing right into a certain shinigami named Rikichi's quarters.

After a certain flamethrower monster disintegrated his rooms, Rikichi had moved his quarters as far away from the SWS HQ as possible. Apparently, that wasn't far enough.

He realized that rather swiftly one day, while gazing at the star stickers pasted to his ceiling, when a Hello Kitty came crashing through Orion while pro-wresting with a Pikachu.

"WHAT THE—!"

"Oh… Hi, Rikichi!" Rangiku stuck her brunette head into the room through the new skylight and gave Renji's number one fan a little wave.

"RANGIKU! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?"

"Um!" Rangiku gestured wildly at him.

"WHAT?" Rikichi was really peeved. First, life size plushies crash through his ceiling, then Rangiku points at him like he's some kind of spectacle.

Apparently he was someone kind of spectacle. When Toshiro stuck his head down through the hole, he stared for a long moment, turned red and fled.

"WHAT IS GOING ON?"

Rangiku merely pointed.

Rikichi's brain took a minute to process the gesture, he looked down at himself and suddenly realized that he was in a very compromising position with the gender confused Sailor Super Hinamori Ketchum.

"WAH!" he scrambled away from Hinamori as fast as he could, but not before Rangiku had taken several digital pictures.

"RANGIKU!"

Rangiku grinned impishly, "You know, the SWS has been looking for a December picture for our calendar…"

Rikichi screamed and tore after Rangiku as she sprinted away laughing evilly.

_Rangiku's Lessons on Love, Lesson 1:_

_Always carry a camera around. Love can be very profitable._

Rikichi was bowing and scraping before Rangiku, having realized that fighting her in any way was futile, "I'll do anything! Just don't publish that picture!"

"Hmm…" Rangiku snapped open a fan to hide her triumphant grin, "How about you be my personal slave for the next year."

Rikichi was indignant, "I have a job you know!"

"Month?"

"No way!"

"Okay then, a week," Rangiku snapped her fan closed.

"Done."

Matsumoto smiled. As a good haggler knows, start high, so that victim, er, customer, would think that a day in Hell was manageable compared to a year in Hell.

Rikichi bowed, relieved that Rangiku hadn't pushed the year of servitude option.

Rangiku, pulled out a contract, "Sign here, here, and here."

Rikichi signed as requested, but had an impending feeling of doom.

--

Toshiro was hiding in his office.

He wondered if this was the reason that his fellow shinigami buried themselves under massive quantities of sake. Before he could contemplate life as an alcoholic though, Rangiku swung into the door. Well, she wasn't really swung through the door as she was carried in by Rikichi. Rikichi was also waving a fan, jumping on a ball, balancing a tray of cakes and a glass of lemonade, and wondering if the cat in the hat had ever tried this particular ensemble. Finally, his foot gave out and everything came tumbling onto the floor, and he was once again reminded of a particular cat that wore a striped hat.

Anyway, Rangiku had managed to jump clear of the wreck, leaving Rikichi to suffer from the full blunt of the falling food.

Toshiro stared, "What is going on?"

Rangiku gestured at the cake splattered Rikichi, "Meet my new slave, er, helper."

"You!" Toshiro glared at Rikichi with sudden venom.

Rikichi returned his stare balefully, "She landed on top of me!"

Rangiku smiled and threw a curveball, "So, anyway, your new job Rikichi, is to get Toshiro and Hinamori back together."

"WHAT?" Rikichi scrambled away, only to stick his foot into the drink that lay discarded on the floor and topple over.

"WE WERE NEVER TOGETHER IN THE FIRST PLACE!" was Toshiro's reply to this sentiment.

"That's what they all say," was Rangiku's knowing reply.

_Rangiku's Lessons on Love, Lesson 2:_

_Always assign someone else as the matchmaker. Then you can run away if things go south._

"Okay then!" Rangiku dragged the two gaping boys out of the room, "Let's see if we can find Miss Hinamori."

Miss Hinamori was still at Rikichi's lodgings. Except, she had swapped her Ash Ketchum costume for something flashier, something Las Vegas, something that screamed 'Elvis Impersonator' in a tortured voice.

"Hinamori…?" Toshiro asked tentatively.

Hinamori sighed, "My name is Sailor Super Hinamori 'Elvis' Ketchum."

"Oh my god."

--

Ishida and Renji were on surveillance. Of who? Well, Miss Kusajishi's new dance partner, who had submitted to an ostentatious tutu without complaint. Who happily joined her, even knowing it was to be subjugated to dancing.

"Do you think," Renji whispered to Ishida, "That Yumichika is really a girl?"

"We don't know yet, we should investigate," was Ishida's whispered reply.

"Hey! It's Pachinko-head and Pencil neck! Say, what are you doing in the bushes…?" Yachiru popped out of nowhere.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Oh! I know! You're spending time alone together. Like Ken-chan and Unohana!" Yachiru clapped her hands together.

"It's not that—!" Ishida tried to stop Yachiru but she was already up and away, ready to spread the news.

"Damn."

--

So, what were Pikachu and Hello Kitty doing? Well, they were at the 4th Company Relief station the 4th Company members gaped as Pikachu gave Hello Kitty a CAT Scan.

Isane was having a confusing day. First she suddenly became a local hero for some strange and obscure reason. Now, (horror of horrors) a Pikachu was handling Captain Unohana's precious equipment. It was too much! With a battle cry, Isane jumped the Pikachu as it operated the machinery. There was a spluttering noise as he two of them jostled the controls and the machine died, the Hello Kitty still in it.

"Oops."

The sound of heavy breathing filled the room. Pikachu and Shinigami stared as the figure of the Hello Kitty emerged from the wreckage. GAH was not physically harmed, but he had changed, and not for the better.

"Luke! I am your father!"

In fact, he had become an age-old cliché. What a bad way for such an original character to go. Turning from a charismatic individual with such a hopeful life before him into one of the lowest life forms in the parody universe.

Darth GAH fumbled about the pockets of his pink Hello Kitty dress and pulled out a cylindrical object. He laughed evilly.

"Shoot!" Isane looked at Pikachu, "I didn't know that Hello Kitty has lightsabers."

"Never underestimate the power of a pink franchise character," Unohana (Pikachu) replied sagely.

Darth GAH whipped the pink cylinder at the two of them, and pressed the only button on the device with a sadistic smile. A beam of light shot out at the two women…

…and projected an image of Hello Kitty on them.

(Bleached: seriously, my little sister has one of those.)

--

In a secret underground cavern in the bowls of the beautiful city of Seritei, behind dangerous traps, smothered in lichen, and always accompanied by the soft music of dripping water, there was a room. (Rukia: Oh come on! That's it?)

(Narrator ignores Rukia)

This was no ordinary room. (Rukia: Just cut to the chase already!)

(Narrator: FINE! Be that way!)

This was the headquarters of one of Soul Society's most mysterious enclaves.

Well, as a matter of fact, the only enclaves in Soul Society other than the Shinigami Women's Society remain mysterious because of the nature of their clubs. You see, this particular Society that met in the room once a week on Sundays at 9 o'clock am, was a fan club. Their particular fan item of choice to drool over had his image plastered all around the room in a flurry of orange ink. (Rukia: No way! You've got to be kidding me!) Yes, this was an Ichigo Kurosaki fan club. Although this narrator has no idea how this happened. (Bleached: …don't look at me either… Rukia: this is disgusting, you're telling me that they meet in the sewers?)

The president of this Society, a certain Miss Haruno, who had taken up the presidency after she had died and couldn't drool over her first love (bleached: even more Naruto references), called the meeting to order, "Today's first order of business is—"

"Um," she was interrupted by a voice at the door. The subject of their idolization stuck his head through the door, "Do you know the fastest way to get to 2nd Division?"

"Um, keep going down until you see a pink umbrella, take a right and go up the first ladder you come upon," Miss Haruno replied smartly, having not realized that Mr. Kurosaki himself had stuck his head in the room.

"Oh, thanks," Ichigo left as quickly as he had come, wondering vaguely why the pattern on the orange wallpaper was so familiar.

Miss Haruno was dumbstruck, "Was that just Ichigo?"

The entire room burst into a cacophony of squeals as the other members realized that the impossible had happened. They had seen Ichigo Kurosaki face to face!

"What are we waiting for?" Miss Haruno screamed.

All the girls stampeded for the door, and Ichigo, leaving a very confused Yumichika to wonder why his Sunday knitting club had adjourned so suddenly.

Renji and Ishida stuck their heads in the door, equally confused. They had been tailing Yumichika and were growing surer of the strength of his feminine side, and it wasn't just the heavy mascara and pedicure, and suddenly all the women run screaming from the room he was in.

Ishida catches sight of Yumichika's knitting needles, "You knit?"

"Yes," Yumichika smiled, "And embroider."

"I do too!"

The next moment, the two of them were discussing the differences between different brands of thread.

Renji stared aghast at the two of them, "You've got to be kidding me!"

Meanwhile, as Ichigo latched the manhole cover shut, he had a strange feeling that an ominous aura was emanating from the sewer.

_Bleached: Meh! So many loose ends! Which is why we will continue this in the next chapter… and for those of you who don't think that this will ever end, it will, I have an ending formulated. __**Since I really want reviews, I've decided to offer bonus content to everyone who reviews. This chapter, I'm offering a copy of Bleached.dragon's version of the SWS application form that was featured in the first episode. Actually, it's more of a story on how this mythical form came to be. So get those reviews down, because I might stop offering it when the next chapter comes out and it might never see the light of day other than to those who review now! So pretty please, with a cherry on top? It'll only take a couple of minutes!**_

_Rukia: She's really desperate… speaking of that, no one offered any lame jokes. And since there's no current dedication, I shall dedicate this to myself, because I'm just amazing._

_Bleached: You know how OC you sound? In fact, you sound like Yumichika._


	15. Extra Special Thingy 1

**Shinigami Women's Society**

By bleached.dragon

_Bleached.dragon: Well, since I'm busy writing some D.Gray-Man fics I thought that I owed it to my loyal audience here to at least put something on here… and since a grand total of 2 people actually took me up on the offer to see a piece of special content if they reviewed… so I'm actually going to show it to the general public who don't want to type a review… Anyway, please review for this extra piece and if you do, I promise that the next part in the current arc will come up much faster…_

Special Content Topic: SWS Application Forms

It's a hot muggy day, and the various members of the Shinigami Women's Society are all but melting over the tables. Isane is flapping herself with a paper fan when the vice president Nanao Ise enters, closely followed by the diminutive president herself, Yachiru Kusajishi.

This time, Nanao ignores the tiny president and her attempts to clear the podium entirely, choosing to pointedly stand in front of the podium as she introduced her topic, "We need to discuss the application forms."

Soifon is cleaning her nails with her Zanpakuto, "What application forms?"

"Exactly!" Nanao crowed, "We can't be a society if we can't have an application process, so on the sheet of paper in front of you, write a question that you think will be vital to accessing the applicant."

Rangiku is done with her question in record time and she reads it aloud with a flourish, "Do you admire Matsumoto Rangiku?"

"But—!" Nanao attempts to object.

"Bye ya'll! To tell you the truth, it's way too hot in here, and so I'm off to make the captain use his Zanpakuto to cool things down a bit."

"WAIT!" Nanao attempts to stop Rangiku, but the 10th Company vice captain is already long gone, "Arg!" Nanao has no choice but to add the question to the list.

Kiyone is next to finish, she merely hands her application in and is out the window, "I think that captain Ukitake is missing me," she confesses as she vaults out of the room.

As a matter of fact though, Ukitake is enjoying a fine afternoon with no squabbling between his third seats with Kiyone bursts in, "You're back already? Uh, I mean, it's great that's you're back…really, great…"

Nanao reads Kiyone's question, "'Kiyone is better than Sentaro'………you know," she says, to no one in particular, "That's more of a statement than a question."

Isane finishes next, "This is a yes or no question, 'I treat 4th Company members with courtesy and respect.'" Isane takes her leave of the hot, un-air-conditioned room.

Soifon smirks, "That question pretty much eliminates all of Soul Society from joining. Now, my question is better," she reads, "I swear my allegiance to Soifon, 2nd Division Captain."

"Um," Nanao is too late to correct Soifon, as she rockets out of the door, "You shouldn't use this form to promote yourself…"

Nemu hands in her sheet of paper to Nanao and waits patiently for Nanao to finish reading it, "'I agree to the Terms and Conditions.' What Terms and Conditions?"

Nemu wordlessly points to a giant stack of papers on her desk.

"Oh those!" Nanao reads the first sentence, "'By agreeing to these Terms and Conditions, I agree to devote myself as a research participant for 12th Company if my bodily functions should catch the interest of it's captain…' You've got to be kidding me! Nemu!" But Nemu had already left, joining the list of people ditching Nanao mid-sentence.

Hinamori has spent a lot of time on her question, "Do you think Aizen is still a good person?"

Nanao sighs, "Hinamori, if Isane's question didn't dissuade all potential applicants," Hinamori was already out through the door, "THEN THIS OUGHT TO DO IT!" Nanao finished angrily.

"Done!" Yachiru brandishes her paper at Nanao.

Nanao sighs, resigned to the fact that Yachiru's question would most likely follow the line of those of the other members. So, she is actually shocked when she reads, "What is your favorite color?"

"Bye!" Yachiru ditches her own Society.

Nanao sighs and staples all the sheets together, taking a minute to write her own question/statement, 'I will not ditch Nanao mid-sentence', and wondering what kind of person would apply now.

Somewhere in 12th Company, the division Captain Mayuri himself reads a copy of the application form, "Perfect. I should blend in just right in such a club of self centered Shinigami."

He doesn't read the last question, the one that used to be the only one on the application form, "Are you female?"

_Renji: Wait a minute… you're telling me that Mayuri had me swear to all this crap?_

_Mayuri: Yes, now let me reattach these electrodes._

_Bleached: Just so ya'll know, I'm actually done with the next chapter to our continuing saga with the long title… and the moment I get one review, I'll post it… (Of course you have to give me some time to log on to a computer and then upload my story…)_


	16. March 14th Meeting: Part 5

**Shinigami Women's Society**

By bleached.dragon

_Bleached: Thanks for the two people who reviewed my last piece, In this chapter though, we begin by meeting a second such secret society as the Ichigo Kurosaki one… plus, Hinamori adds another sentence to her name… Oh and two people almost get married. (note the 'almost')_

**March 12****th**** Meeting**

**Topic: Dancing with the Shinigami/On true love/Sailor Super Hinamori 'Elvis' Ketchum V**

The Ichigo Kurosaki Fan Club isn't the only society of its kind, hidden in the damp of the Seritei sewage system. In fact, another clandestine meeting is taking place just as the Ichigo Kurosaki fan club storms by, trailed by a confused Renji, Yumichika and Ishida were too absorbed in comparing embroidery patterns.

"Big whoop," muttered Renji miserably, "They can go thread needles and I'll go…" Renji paused to think of something to do that wouldn't sound lame, "attend a Shinigami Women's Society meeting…" he was desperate.

Renji was feeling so miserable in fact, that he didn't realize that the pack of squealing girls had come to an abrupt halt, right in front of the Byakuya Kuchiki clubroom. Apparently, they had been stopped by the president of the said society, someone who tried really hard to look like Rukia, to explain why they were stampeding down the hallway.

After the breathless Haruno had explained the occurrence, there was an excited babbling among the Byakuya Kuchiki fan club. This babbling was incited by a spotting. A spotting of their sex god's vice captain.

"Seize him!" the Rukia impersonator President cried and jumped up and down, her temporary black wig falling off.

"Hey! Wait! What are you doing?" Renji was promptly tied up and gagged. He looked towards the Ichigo Kurosaki fan club for help, but they merely smiled at him and they resumed their headlong rush for Ichigo.

"We'll keep him and leave a ransom note for," she sighs dreamily, "Captain Kuchiki," the president is so excited, that her now blonde hair stands up.

"HEY! YOU LET HIM DOWN!"

Renji looks up happily, thinking that his salvation had come.

"HE'S OUR CLUB'S IDOL! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SNATCH ANOTHER CLUB'S IDOLS!"

Renji resigned himself to the fact that he was going to emerge from this ordeal mentally scarred, because standing in front of him was a portly guy in a schoolgirl outfit, sporting glasses and a bowl cut.

"Oh, sorry," the BK fan club president purred, "but we caught him first… How about this? You let us catch Byakuya with him and we will hand him over to you."

"Fine!" the bowl cut person shook the Rukia impersonator's hand and Renji only saw black after the exchange.

* * *

Somewhere in the IK HQ, Ishida looks up briefly, "I have a bad feeling for some reason… oh well," and he returns to sewing.

* * *

Byakuya Kuchiki was having tea with, of all people, a certain Miss Yourichi and viewing the cherry blossoms, when suddenly; a bouquet of flowers hits Yourichi on the head.

"Mmmm… it must be from a secret admirer," Yourichi sighs and smells the flowers, "Oh look, there's a note attached," she reads it the cut and pasted words, "'You have until sunset to go into the tea shop outside the North gate, otherwise, Renji will die.'" She looks at the card again, "Hmm… it must not be from an admirer after all. Oh well, who cares about Renji."

"Hn." Byakuya nods in agreement.

Hiding in the bushes outside the Kuchiki estate, the BK fan club president groans, "I didn't expect this development."

Her assistant whacks her on her head, "Don't give up! Since we're so deep into the business, we might as well keep kidnapping!"

"Eh?"

Yourichi cocks her head toward the bushes, "Did you hear something?"

"No."

"Must have been the wind."

Rukia Kuchiki, where we left off, was part of the mob of Shinigami chasing the butterflies on Sunsui's robe. Her brother had gotten called off on official business so she was now screaming and chasing for two people.

For her size, Rukia was surprisingly fast, so she was furious when someone slammed a net over her just when she was within reach of those butterflies. She growled and snarled, this mob chasing business had fried her brain, and she barked.

The BK members weren't prepared for this event, so it was fortunate that the president's assistant had a dog and consequently had a bag of dog treats in her pocket, which they fed to Rukia, who curled up happily and munched her snack. The Sunsui chase continued on without her.

* * *

A second bouquet with a note arrived with a smack into Yourichi. This time she just handed it directly to Byakuya, "I think it's another ransom note."

"Rukia will die if you don't do as I say," Byakuya reads.

"Rukia's a big girl, she can take care of herself," Yourichi assured him.

"Anyway, we don't know what they want us to do anyway," added Byakuya.

The BK president tore up a stack of elaborate dinner plans, Rukia barked.

"Was that just a dog?"

* * *

Byakuya and Yourichi had just resumed drinking tea in relative silence when a very miserable BK fan club president's assistant rolls a giant vat of toxic waste into view. She sprints back and rolls a piece of scaffolding with Rukia attached to the frame by her wrists. She turns to the two seated before her and bowed apologetically, "Someone wants you to know that if Byakuya Kuchiki doesn't proclaim his eternal love to her, Rukia will die," she folds the piece of paper she was reading off, "I'm terribly sorry, but that's how it is."

The BK president appeared in a puff of smoke and held her Zanpakuto next to the rope that held Rukia to the scaffolding, "Now DECLARE!"

"I'm afraid she's gone a bit sir crazy," the assistant confided.

Rukia had already regained her sense of self. After eating several boxes of biscuits, she had suddenly come back to her senses with a jolt while she was barking happily and wagging her non-existent tail. Rukia was annoyed, "Why does every storyline entail me hanging from some kind of scaffolding? Couldn't you have hung Renji?"

"Mm… Good idea!"

The next moment, Rukia found herself hanging next to Renji, who scowled and snapped, "Good thinking, genius!"

Yourichi decided to take the initiative, "Byakuya-kun can't declare because… because…" she considered the options, "…he's already engaged!"

"WHAT?" cried the BK president.

"WHAT?" Renji and Rukia howled in unison.

"What?" echoed Byakuya.

"Yes, he is!" Yourichi gave Byakuya a prod in the ribs, "say you are," he hissed.

"To whom?" he replied, annoyed.

Yourichi sighed, "ME!" She jumped up and down on her cushion. (Bleached: Now all we need is Oprah Winfrey.)

"WHAT?" cried the BK president.

"WHAT?" Renji and Rukia howled in unison.

"What?" echoed Byakuya.

Yourichi glared at her 'fiancé', "Don't say 'what' too!" She turned to Rukia, "Do you have a ring or something?"

Rukia slid a chappy ring off her finger and tossed it to Yourichi, "Here!"

Yourichi tossed it to Byakuya who grumbled, "Proposing to you isn't much better, you know!"

"Just shut up and do it!"

"…" Byakuya knelt down and forced the words out, "Will…you…"he flinched, "…marry me?"

"Done!"

The BK President howled and ran screaming from the group.

Yourichi watched her go, "You know, I don't think there's any love in our relationship."

Byakuya looked visibly relieved, "Yes."

"I think that we should call it off," Yourichi added.

"Agreed."

Rukia looked at the two of them, "That had to be the shortest engagement I have ever witnessed."

Renji shrugged, "It could be worse. They could be in Vegas and drunk."

Rukia shuddered.

* * *

"What do you think about this one?"

"To flashy."

"This?"

"…Why do you even have a flapper outfit?"

"And this?"

"Urg!"

Hinamori decided that her Toshiro choking and turning red wasn't a very good sign, so she scratched 'bikini' off her list of attire.

Rikichi propped his head against the wall and sighed, somehow, this entire thing had turned into rehabilitation for Hinamori. Well, Rangiku's first idea had been seducing Hinamori, but Toshiro had thrown a fit, so the two of them were trying to help Hinamori with her cosplaying issues. It wasn't until then, did they realize what a strange and varied closet Hinamori had.

Rikichi sighed; at least that Elvis thing had blown over. He shuddered. Hinamori shaking her pelvis was a sight that he did not want to see again.

Hinamori returned holding a bunny girl outfit, "This?"

"Don't bother."

She switched to a blue uniform of some sort, "This?"

Toshiro raised his head and made a huge mistake, "That looks slightly normal."

"Okay then!" Hinamori rushed into the closet and closed the door. She emerged seconds later.

"W-w-what's that on your head?" Rikichi stuttered.

"What do you mean?" Hinamori replied in a deep voice, "this is my hair."

Rangiku walked in, "OH MY GOD, WHAT THE BBQ SAUCE!"

"What?" Hinamori asked confused.

"Hinamori," Toshiro was getting worried, "Are you okay?"

"Who is this 'Hinamori' you speak of," she replied, "I am Sailor Super Hinamori 'Elvis' Ketchum whose real name is Ate—" she is tackled by a ghostly Winged Kuriboh.

"Don't spoil the ending of the show," it squeaked irritably.

"Oh, sorry," Hinamori looked down.

Rikichi could only stare, as Hinamori rubbed the inverted golden pyramid she wore around a chain on her neck and his gaze traveled up to her outlandish, indescribable hair that would give Mayuri's a run for it's money. Why, he thought, it's the Pharaoh!

(Bleached: any Yu-gi-oh fans here?)

Hinamori pointed at Toshiro, and in her newly achieved baritone, she called, "You there! I challenge you to a duel!"

Toshiro gripped his sword tightly, "I don't want to fight you, Hinamori!"

"Fight me?" she blinked, "I was talking about a card game."

"Eh?"

Rangiku finished staring, "I repeat, OH MY GOD, WHAT THE BBQ SAUCE!"

"You don't have to be offensive," Hinamori replied.

"…"

"Anyway," Rikichi broke the silence, "What kind of card game might you be talking about?"

"Duel Monsters."

"Never mind," Rikichi made for the door; "I really want to know about them anymore."

The last words Rikichi heard coming from the room was, "Let's play a shadow game!"

He kept running, 'shadow games' didn't sound very fun.

In the room though, Rangiku was enjoying Toshiro's idea of hell. Yes, she was enjoying her captain's idea of the inferno. She looked amusedly towards the 10th Company Captain and grinned, seeing him sandwiched between Ukitake and Yachiru while being forced to play a card game was amusing. Especially because Toshiro's ideal location of torture was the beach, under a blistering sun and everything was washed in pink, the sand was made of fluffy pink clouds and Rangiku swore she saw a unicorn. It was amusing, Toshiro's idea of hell, was any six-year-old little girl's idea of heaven.

She clinked a cold drink with Winged Kuriboh and the two of them watched the duel with some amusement as Toshiro won for the fourth straight game.

"This is impossible!" Hinamori spluttered, "I'm the king of games!"

"…"

"Hold, shadow thingies!" She called to the tendrils of black smoke gathered around her ankles, "I need a rematch."

Toshiro groaned, "I don't care about Hinamori anymore, I just want to leave…!"

"One more game!" was the reply.

"So…" Rangiku wondered casually, "I wonder why Toshiro doesn't like pink, girly things."

Winged Kuriboh waved its arms and signed, "This calls for a flashback!"

* * *

_Toshiro was a little boy back then, when he was at the park with granny and she had turned to push Hinamori on the swings. In an instant, a couple mistook him for their little girl and dragged him off, despite his protests. In the next week as 'Tiffany' Toshiro saw more pink than he ever wanted to see ever again and 'Tiffany' was apparently required to like Care Bears and My Little Pony. By the end of the week Toshiro understood why the real 'Tiffany' ran away._

* * *

"That's…disturbing…" commented Rangiku and turned, just in time to see Hinamori lose her hundredth game.

Hinamori dropped her head in her hands, "I give up, I don't deserve to be King of Games." She looked with tearstained eyes at Toshiro, "I hereby bequeath this title to you along with this snazzy necklace."

"I DON'T WANT A NECKLACE!" Toshiro's face was turning red.

"Uh-oh, I think he's going to have a hissy fit," Rangiku grabbed her captain by the arm and dragged him to a door marked 'EXIT'.

Hinamori, who had resigned herself to getting dragged away by the shadows, looked briefly at the exit, "Why didn't I see that earlier?" She stood and dashed after them, "WAIT!"

* * *

Ichigo is walking casually down the street when he hears a thundering noise and suddenly a giant wave of squealing girls crashed into the street, pouring from the manhole cover that he had latched.

"They're like rats…" he commented, before he was completely swallowed up by the crowd.

* * *

_Bleached: That's it for this time… pretty soon, it'll be competition time, so get your dancing shoes… And remember, the faster you review, the faster the next one will come out…_

_Rukia: Have you noticed that the Author Notes have been halved?_

_Bleached: That's because I have more material in the body of my story. Anyway, please review… I might give you a clue as to what song the winner will dance to! Anway, I finally learned how to use a dash... YAY! --spastic dance--_


	17. March 14th Meeting: Part 6

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* * *

**

Shinigami Women's Society

By bleached.dragon

_Bleached: Thanks to the shining tidal wave of people who rushed to read and review my story… Oh, who am I kidding? Thanks to the four of you (or is it two?) who regularly read my really pathetic story… thanks for the people who favorited, alerted, reviewed or otherwise told me that they enjoyed my story somewhat. And no, this is not a concession speech. _

_This week, we are eating questionable pieces of candy, breaking the fourth wall, and shopping for wigs. All this thanks to my twisted mind. _

_Please review… it'll make me want to write more, faster… and this… is the second to last part of my arc, because it came to my attention that I can't add anything to Hinamori's name anymore… and anyway, it's May already… Anyway, this is a bit old, but I was reading the manga… and –squeals—there's Yourichi and a chibi Byakuya… it's nice to see that he wasn't always such a prick._

_Rant done, chapter starting in…_

_5…_

_4…_

_3…_

_2…_

_(Do ya'll even need a disclaimer?)_

_Renji: Just get on with the count!_

_1…_

_BOOM!_

**

* * *

**

March 12

**th**** Meeting**

**Topic: Dancing with the Shinigami/On true love/I'm not even going to bother with writing out her name VI**

Sailor Super Hinamori 'Elvis' Ketchum, whose real name is Ate—(sorry, don't want to spoil Yu-gi-oh ending), is staring at the mirror with a tired look. She rubs her discolored hair and sighs, "What color should it be this time? Maybe I should go platinum… Yes, that's it!" She cheerfully applies the hair dye, but when she tries to comb it, the now platinum locks begin falling out in clumps. "I'm not sure this is a good sign," she muses.

"Hinamori!" Toshiro bursts into the room, "Come on! We're getting your brain scanned!"

"Why?" Hinamori turns towards him, "I don't think I have a tumor or anything."

Toshiro just stares at her, the words choked out of his mouth.

"What now?" Hinamori asks patiently.

Toshiro tries to say something and chokes.

Hinamori shakes her head sadly, "I think that you're the one who needs a CAT scan."

Toshiro shakes is head vigorously and manages to force out a strangled, "Ikkaku?"

"Eh?"

* * *

"Mine!" GAH snatched the last teacake from the table.

"Hey! Paws off my food!" Kiyone made a grab for the cake but it vanished into the Hello Kitty's mouth.

"Gah! Kiyone!" Isane waved her arms frantically, "Stop fighting!"

"Are you okay?" the Hello Kitty dressed person turned to her.

"GAH!" Isane snapped.

"You sounded in pain," he replied, with a mockingly worried expression on his face.

Isane turned her head to the heavens, "Stop making him tell stupid puns!"

(Bleached: Sorry! Sorry!)

Unohana placed her cup down with a clatter, "Stop fighting with the author, we already suffered enough already."

Isane looked to the sky, "Stop making me look up when I want to talk to you! Damn fanfic writer, no respect for the fourth wall and the characters. Children these days."

"You sound like a crotchety old maid," GAH yawned, "Aren't you supposed to be the sweet, soft-spoken 4th Company vice Captain who makes head banging songs in her free time?"

"GAH!" Isane cried and the stopped, glared at the clouds and replied, "I hate that kid."

Unohana is pouring herself another cup of tea, "Which one?"

Before Isane could answer, Yachiru bangs into the room, "Hey! I need help setting up the stage for the dance competition! You guys are going to help me, okay?" She raced out the door.

"That one."

* * *

"Ikkaku?" Hinamori ran a hand through her newly platinum hair, "Where did you get an idea like that?"

Toshiro motioned her to turn around and look in the mirror.

"WAAAAAH!" Hinamori could only stare, "How did I become bald?"

"You dyed your hair too many times."

"Ikkaku is here?" Matsumoto stuck her head into the room, "But I just saw him five minutes—Oh. My. God."

Hinamori glared at her, "Don't discriminate against bald people."

"Dear Lord, our bald population is increasing every episode."

* * *

"Okay, move that screen, THAT WAY!" Yachiru sat in a comfortable chair and was yelling at the crews she had somehow gathered, "We have a twenty minute deadline!"

"WHAT?"

"She said you had a twenty minute deadline," Nanao was spray painting the stage, "So hurry."

"Fine, fine," Akon grumbled as he and rest of the technical crew began dragging the switchboard across the stage.

They attempted to lug the heavy piece of machinery to the other side, but stopped midway.

"It's stuck…"

Nanao instinctively looked at her spray paint, "I can't believe the fact that I keep doing this…" she sighed.

"Doing what?"

She held up the bottle sheepishly, "It's the Glittery Platinum Edition Super Super Carpentry Glue."

"Ten minutes!" Yachiru called.

"Nanao! Get us off of this stage!" Akon had suddenly realized that not only was the switchboard not moving, but so were his feet.

"What do you want me to do?" she yelled back, "I can't just flood this entire place!"

"Flood, eh?"

"You're not going to…!"

* * *

"It goes against my sense of aesthetics to wear a wig!" Hinamori complained, as she was dragged down an aisle in the nearest wig shop. She lifted a platinum wig up and admired the style, reminiscent of Gwen Stefani.

"And it doesn't go against your sense of aesthetics to go bald?" Toshiro snapped angrily, sliding across the floor as Matsumoto cheerfully dragged him down the aisle.

"Nope," Hinamori fluffed her bald head, "Not of it's my own hair."

"You mean your own lack of hair!" Toshiro retorted.

Hinamori pouted childishly, "I don't care!"

"How old do you think she is?" Toshiro sighed. This was getting really irritating. The tiny captain managed to wrest himself from Rangiku's death grip.

"Six?" Rangiku wondered.

"Maybe seven?" she added as a second thought.

"I'm a hundred forty-six!" Hinamori snapped, sliding a white wig on her head and brandishing a cane at them.

"My, my, children grow up so quickly these days, right daddy?" Rangiku grinned at Toshiro.

Unfortunately, daddy was cranky and annoyed, "Don't stick me in your stupid 'happy family' scenarios!" he snapped.

Rangiku got the message pretty clearly, "Daddy is in a bad mood Hinamori-chan."

"Don't call me that!" Toshiro spluttered.

* * *

"NO! YOU WONT!" Nanao was fighting Akon for a remote control.

"YES I WILL!" he cried, wrenching from her grasp the controller that would launch 400,000 gallons of water into the auditorium.

Nanao realized she couldn't win the fight and turned around, "Soifon! Tranquilize him!"

Soifon glared at Nanao her hands on her hips, "Do you think that just because I run a division that fits the label of ninja, that I CARRY TRANQUILIZER GUNS WITH ME??"

"Fine!" Just knock him out or something!"

Unfortunately, Akon took this time to detonate.

"BOOM! MUHAHAHA! NOW THIS VENUE IS GOING TO BE FLOODED BY FIFTY TONS OF WATER!!"

"He's sounding more and more like a mad scientist every day," Nanao commented dryly.

"My little Akon is growing up," Mayuri sighed happily.

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET HERE?"

* * *

"Rukia." Renji was getting rather irritated.

"Yea?"

"I don't believe you!!" He finally yelled, "I ditch one dance partner and then someone else forces me to wear a stupid dress!"

"I'm terribly sorry Renji," Rukia's eyes were downcast.

"Eh?" Renji hadn't expected this.

She looked up and he nervously noticed an evil glint in her eye, "Here, have some mushrooms!"

"Oh, sure!" Renji plucked a piece from the plate she held and plopped one in his mouth. He felt a bit dizzy and then realized where he had seen the plate before, "You! Yachiru! Ug… Huh?"

Rukia picked up a piece of paper from the table, "EH? The script says that this is where I rip off my face to show that I'm really Yachiru, underneath…? …But I'm not Yachiru…!"

"Thank god you are not," muttered a passing Byakuya.

"Maybe, secretly, I am Yachiru…" Rukia looked at herself in the mirror, "It's feasible," the five foot five black haired girl commented.

"Don't even think in that general direction," Byakuya glared at her.

"I'M NOT YACHIRU! I'M NOT YACHIRU!" Rukia cried, terrified.

* * *

"MUHAHA—HUH?" Akon tapped his foot impatiently, "HEY! THE WATER'S OFF ITS CUE!"

"Soifon! Kick him in the head!" Nanao called, whipping around to the 2nd Company Captain.

"Now that's more like it," Soifon's foot connected with Akon's head and he passed out.

"Now what are we supposed to do with these things on the stage?" Nanao asked, pointed at the various assistants, Akon and the switchboard.

"I can't believe it," an assistant muttered, "I've been demoted to a thing."

"Drape something over them so they will look like furniture," Yachiru called.

"I've been demoted to a piece of furniture," the assistant sighed.

"There's a problem with that," Nanao adjusted her glasses.

"I don't see any problem!" Yachiru insisted.

"This is a dance competition, not a play!" Nanao retorted.

"I don't see any difference," Yachiru insisted.

"You know, when they said you were empty-headed, I didn't believe them," Nanao sighed, "But really, if you can't see that difference…"

"But they both end when a fat lady sings," Yachiru looked at her, "Don't they?"

"NO THEY DON'T!"

"I think you're thinking of an opera," Ukitake smiled benevolently as he passed a cup of tea to Mayuri.

"HOW THE HELL DO YOU GET HERE?"

"My, my, Nanao-chan, please calm yourself. You'll get premature wrinkles," Sunsui took a swig from his bottle of sake.

"CAPTAIN! STOP DRINKING!"

Yachiru ignored the commotion, "Speaking of fat women…" She skipped away from her director's chair and mumbled to herself, "Do I know any fat women?" Yachiru frowned, her tiny face scrunched in consternation, "…I do know fat men… OF COURSE! GENIOUS!" The tiny girl looked at the assembled crews, "I'm extending the deadline for twenty minutes!" and she shot off like the rocket to 2nd Company.

"I have a really bad feeling about this," Nanao picked up the dropped clipboard and flipped through the schedule, "…Wow… a lot of people actually signed up… Hey! Why am I signed up?"

* * *

Ichigo is sitting in a dank dark room and is currently tied to a chair. His state: Annoyed, or maybe it's severely pissed off.

Anyway, at that moment, the Vice President of the IK fan club sprints in waving a piece of paper, "President! I got this list of stuff Ichigo likes!"

Ichigo winced, this was not good, and he could just imagine some kind of slow painful death awaiting him.

"It says here," the Vice President scanned the paper, "that Ichigo likes candy"

"WHAT? NO!" Ichigo yelled, but it was too late, the President grabbed a tube of something marked 'Candy' and popped a white ball in Ichigo's mouth. Suddenly, Ichigo's eyes took on a glazed look and he slumped in his bonds.

The vice president sighed, "Are you sure that's candy?"

"Pyon!" Ichigo replied.

The president examined the tube, "Soul Candy…"

"YOU IDIOT!"

"Pyon!" Ichigo bounced up in his chair and still wearing the chair, raced off out the door.

"But it's chappy flavored!"

The entire fan club jumped to its feet as one and stormed after the 'pyon'-ing Ichigo.

* * *

"BAM! BAM!"

You might be wondering what Kira and Hisagi were doing. They were both wearing Power Ranger masks and seemed to be having a gunfight of some sort. Except it was the kind of gunfight that geeky little boys indulged in with all its finger pointing and imaginary trigger pulling glory.

Hisagi turned around and looked at Genrusai, "Is this good enough?"

"Wait," Genrusai hefted his camcorder, "bring that scene from the top."

Yes. The three of them were making a Youtube video. How this idea got into their twisted minds, we will never know.

Hisagi and Kira ran through the 'gunfight' again with many sound effects and posing.

"And cut—!"

Hisagi sighed and pulled off his mask, "Remind me why we're doing a Power Ranger theme."

"Because Genrusai has the only camcorder and he likes Power Rangers," Kira took a swig of sake.

"Quit talking and change costumes," Genrusai waved a bullhorn.

"Change…costumes…?" Kira looked suspiciously at the Commander General.

His suspicions were not unfounded.

"THERE IS NO WAY I'M GOING TO WEAR THAT!"

"But maid outfits are popular online," Genrusai pouted.

"Um," Hisagi tapped the Commander General on the shoulder, "Are you sure you're not thinking of hot pants with a political candidate's name on them?"

"Oooh!" Genrusai immediately perked up, "That's an even better idea."

"No way."

* * *

"Wonderful!" Sunsui sighed blissfully.

"THERE'S NOTHING WONDERFUL ABOUT IT!" Nanao screamed in response.

"I think they look quite nice," Unohana objected.

"HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO EXPLAIN GIANT FLOWER ARRANGEMENTS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STAGE!" Nanao returned as she glared at the technical staff in all their flower-decked glory.

"They're backup dancers," Isane shrugged as the wreathed the comatose Akon, "dancing flower arrangements.

"The technical crew probably haven't even touched a dance floor before this," Nanao retorted irritably, "they probably couldn't dance to save their own lives."

"Struggling is considered dancing in some followings," Ukitake sipped his tea.

"LIKE WHERE?"

"Mmmm… Nanao-chan, they may not qualify as river dancers," Sunsui drank his sake, "pole dancers, or any kind of dancer, but unless you want to flood this place, there's nothing we can do."

"Oh yes there is," Mayuri joined the tea party.

"OH, NOW HE'S GOING TO SHARE HIS INPUT," Nanao bordered on hysterical.

"We can just modify them and make them good dancers," he held up a headset, "what kind of dance do you want?"

"Strippers," called a drunk Sunsui.

Nanao hit him with a book, "Strippers aren't dancers."

"Headbangers?" Isane had since the last episode, made herself comfortable in her role as the screamo rock goddess.

"They're a type of fan," Ukitake sipped his tea.

"Ballroom dancers," Byakuya proclaimed.

"Good enough," Mayuri agree and bustled about, putting headsets on the flower arrangements.

"I see a slight problem with that," Nanao replied through gritted teeth, "they can't ballroom dance if they're glued in place.

"Too late," Mayuri pressed a button on a remote.

Unfortunately, he had accidentally grabbed Akon's remote and despite having not effect of the flowers, 400,000 gallons of water immediately flooded the venue.

"WHAT THE HELL MAYURI!"

"For once," Sunsui picked up his waterlogged hat, "I agree with you, Nanao-chan," he sighed, all traces of inebriation washed away.

"FREE! AT LAST!" Akon pumped his fists in the air and scattered petals all over, but before he could continue gloating, he suddenly began ballroom dancing with the nearest assistant.

"Is it just me," Ukitake coughed lightly, "or do you think that Akon has lost all traces of sanity?"

Mayuri lifted a second, miraculously dry, remote, "So, my waterproofing actually worked…"

The last thing they heard, before the lights suddenly blacked out, was a lonely, "Pyon!" and the screams of a horde of fangirls.

_

* * *

_

Bleached: I am typing as fast as possible to get the ending to ya'll.

_Rukia: That's a complete and utter lie._

_Bleached: Thank you for your support Rukia-chan._

_And to my nonexistent fans, please review! I didn't get any for the last one… so I'm going to sulk now… And if you review, Byakuya will confess his undying love to you._

_Byakuya: …!_

_Bleached: Ah! You weren't supposed to hear that…_

_Byakuya: Why do you keep trying to make me confess my 'undying love'? –glare—_

_Bleached: s-scary… Don't worry folks, he probably loves ya'll, deep inside…_

_Byakuya: Scatter! Senbonzakura!_

_Bleached: Really deep inside… Now I gotta run before I get impaled, bye!_


	18. March 14th Meeting: Part 7

**Shinigami Women's Society**

By bleached.dragon

_Yachiru: Hello! Bleached is currently unable to answer your call, please leave a message after the tone. In other words, I'm taking over the author notes today._

_Ichigo: Why do I have a feeling that you're part of the reason that Bleached is gone?_

_Yachiru: Now what makes you think that, Ichi?_

_Ichigo: Maybe the suspicious thumping noises coming from the closet…_

_Yachiru: —stuffs Ichigo into closet— don't listen to him, he's just gotten hit over the head with a Zanpakuto way too many times._

_Ichigo: Hey! She's in here!_

_Yachiru: She must have been taking a nap. —Slams door— Anyway, since the last time Bleached did a five number countdown and we got five reviews, I decided that I'm going to do a hundred number countdown so that we'll get a hundred reviews!_

_100 …_

_99…_

_98…_

_97…_

_(Rukia: since Bleached would go ballistic if she knew I let you guys sit there thought a hundred numbers… we're just starting without Yachiru…)_

_94…_

_93…_

_92…_

* * *

**March 14****th**** Meeting**

**Topic: Dancing with the Shinigami/On true love/I'm not even going to bother with writing out her name VII**

Kira, Hisagi and Genrusai had come to a consensus on the matter of their Youtube video.

How? You may ask.

Well, in the end, it was Genrusai who ended up wearing the hot pants and Kira and Hisagi were in orange prison jumpsuits. They had also managed to recruit Isane, who had run away from building the stage.

Isane was standing next to a boom box, "Okay people, we're running from the top."

Genrusai held up his camcorder, "Three… two… one…"

Isane hit play.

Michael Jackson's "Thriller" boomed from the speaker.

Yes.

They were doing a "Thriller" video.

Not only that, dancing along with them, were two, giant Asian elephants who were also playing soccer.

Kira attempted to execute a spin move and was almost stepped on by a soccer playing elephant, "Ah!"

Hisagi was having similar problems. He dodged one elephant, only to run into Kira, who promptly bit him on the finger (we're assuming it's an accident, otherwise we would recommend Kira to do some therapy—as if he didn't need it already). The Vice Captain gripped his finger; "Kira bit me!" he proclaimed in sulky tones as he dodged yet another elephant's foot and attempted to do the robot with Shunpo-ing.

Now, this free for all battle even left the stern Genrusai in fits of laughter as he managed to train the camera on Kira to catch his response.

Kira shrugged and did a spin move, "I like turtles."

Hisagi happened to hear this indifferent and unrelated response, "You don't care that you just bit me, do you?"

"What if I don't?" retorted Kira, shimmying as he danced in Hisagi's direction.

At that moment, Genrusai was immensely thankful that he had brought a camera tripod.

"Apologize!" Hisagi screamed.

"No!" Kira dodged the giant soccer ball.

"Rock, paper, scissors," Hisagi challenged, "If I win, then the gods say that I'm right and you have to apologize!"

"I'm atheist!" Kira screamed back as he danced, "And that tactic is so dated!"

"You're just afraid to lose," Hisagi retorted as he tangoed into projectile range of Kira.

"Nu-uh!"

"Are too!"

"Fine!" Kira stuck out his hand and began break dancing.

"ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!"

"Ha ha! I win!" Kira lifted his winning scissors.

Just that moment, an elephant stepped on the break dancing/gloating Kira. There is a loud crunching sound.

"The gods say I win," Hisagi smirked before he was promptly stepped on too.

"And cut! That's a wrap, take five!" Genrusai gathered up his videotaping equipment and shunpoed out of the elephant's range.

Isane snapped off the boom box and followed suit.

* * *

Nanao turned her drenched head to survey the new threat as the crew was immediately flooded by a new tidal wave. Fangirls. Screaming fangirls who were crying for Ichigo who was oblivious at the moment.

"Pyon!"

* * *

_3…_

_2…_

_1…_

_Happy New Years! Now we're going to get a hundred reviews! (At least in total… please?)_

_Rukia: You're kidding! You still counted?_

_Yachiru: Yup, every line, I was in the background._

_Rukia: She's crazy… SAVE ME!!_

_Byakuya: If you have no idea what happened, scroll back up and read the author notes that you usually skip. And here's the disclaimer, "Bleached does not own Bleach. Or any of the musical video parodies that are mentioned in this episode."_

* * *

Nanao glared at him, "DON'T JUST PYON ME!!"

The mob fangirls took one look at Nanao's incensed face and immediately stopped trying to grab Ichigo. In fact, every one of them settled into the wet seats and promptly went to sleep.

Ichigo looked at Nanao with a glazed look on his face, "Pyon?"

Nanao sighed, "Have you been taking Prozac or something?"

"Pyon?" his unstated question happened to be, 'What is Prozac?'

"Ah!" a drunken Sunsui swayed up to Nanao and Ichigo, "Prozac is this pill that Nanao takes when she's depressed. She thinks you got into her stash."

"SHUT UP!" Nanao immediately lost her cool, "I DON'T NEED YOUR INPUT!"

Sunsui sighed happily and clutched his cheek; "Nanao-chan is in such a good mood today."

Mayuri sniffed, "Maybe you're just in a drunk mood today. I have hangover medicine you know."

Sunsui shrugged and adjusted his soggy hat, "I do need medicine to make my Nanao-chan fall in love with me."

"WHOSE 'YOUR NANAO-CHAN'?" retorted the object of the 8th Company Captain's desire.

"I actually do have something like that," Mayuri removed a bottle from his sleeve.

Sunsui snatched it, "How much?"

Mayuri pointed one, overly long black fingernail at the bottle, "The price is listed."

Sunsui peered at the bottle, "Why is it on such a long scroll?" he shrugged and unrolled it. It kept unrolling, and unrolling, and unrolling until it had made even more rotations around the Earth than Chuck Norris.

(Yachiru: because she's bound, gagged and stuffed in a closet, Bleached wants me to tell you that that these kids in art kept telling Chuck Norris jokes so they rubbed off… except her Chuck Norris jokes are really lame—as if they weren't already.)

"How do you expect me to pay that?" Sunsui asked cheerfully.

Mayuri shrugged, "Love costs money."

"I'd probably have more of a chance wooing Nanao than paying that price," Sunsui took a swig of sake.

Mayuri saw the loss of a potential customer, "I'm joking, those are the ingredients," he grabbed part of the list and surreptitiously wrote a few words on it with his long nailed middle finger, "See? Why else would it say 'Carbon Monoxide'?"

(Nemu: His fingernail is lead coated.)

Ukitake had drifted into the range of the conversation, "Um… Mayuri-kun? Two things. One, isn't Carbon Monoxide this poisonous, colorless, odorless gas?"

"Eh… did I say Carbon Monoxide?" Mayuri scribbled out the words, "I meant to say… uh," he caught sight of something hanging from the sickly captain's robe, "Air freshener!"

"Uh…" Ukitake raised his eyebrows, "Okay… but secondly," he looked pointedly at his fellow captain, "You're flipping all of us off when you write."

"Oh, I do?" Mayuri raised his index finger to examine how this came to be.

"YOU STILL ARE!" Nanao decided to join the conversation.

"Hey Nanao," Sunsui raised the bottle.

"WHAT NOW!" she ground out.

"Say cheese," he squirted her full in the face with the bottle.

"Uh…" Nanao swayed, "…I think I'm going to be sick…" and she promptly was.

Mayuri glowered at her and tossed a stack of notes into a puddle, "Another failure."

"You've been working on these?" Ukitake asked, conversationally.

"For a long time now."

"And they've all failed," Ukitake raised his eyebrows.

"Well, of course," Sunsui dropped bluntly into to the conversation, "Otherwise he wouldn't have had to _make _his own daughter."

"Be more sensitive, Sunsui," Ukitake grabbed his ear.

"WAAAAAAAH! UKITAKE'S TURNED INTO A NANAO!" Sunsui wailed, childishly.

Nanao sighed and swayed, "Someone get me to 4th Company."

* * *

Soifon liked considering her Company the sanest of the divisions, so she ran quite a tight ship. Unfortunately, this pleasant illusion was about to become shattered with the divine hand of a tiny, pink haired little girl. This particular girl was running down the hallway and randomly opening doors, at inopportune moments, stepping on people's toes and screaming her head off.

In other words, she was a six year old on a rampage.

"CATCH HER!" to say that Soifon was extremely irritated would be an understatement. She was in one of those moods that meant certain death for anyone who wanted to cross her.

"Y-yes!" her ninja underlings immediately rushed off to complete the assigned task.

Soifon sighed, she was having one of those downer days. Although, she wasn't the only person to be drenched in several tons of water, it didn't help her mood. In fact, the only good thing that came from that sudden inundation was the fact that Sunsui became sober in an instant. When she had rushed back, her vice captain had just stood there and trailed cracker crumbs and other, mercifully unnamed, objects into her already dripping hair.

"Damn!" her fist slammed into her closet door, she needed a revenge plan.

"Uh… Captain?" one of her aids returned, empty handed, and cringed before her anger.

Inwardly, Soifon was delighted that at least _someone _respected her authority, "Yes! Bow down before my power!" and before she knew it, she had expressed this sentiment outwardly and was laughing maniacally.

"Uh… Captain?" her aid looked nervously at her and wondered if that box on her desk was full of pills.

"Ah!" Soifon cleared her throat, "I mean… what is it?"

Sweating visibly, the aid announced, "Miss Kusajishi has one request. She says that if you lend her Vice Captain Marechiyo Yoshiayamenosuke Nikkotaroemon Omaeda," he gasped for air after pronouncing the lengthy name, "for a day, she will leave."

"Who's Yoshiayame-what's it?" Soifon looked confusedly at her aid.

"Yoshiamenosuke," the aid paled, this was not a good sign for the aforementioned Vice Captain, "Your Vice Captain."

"Hmm…" Soifon tapped her chin, and here she had been looking for revenge and an opportunity had fallen right into her lap.

"Y-you can't possibly be considering agreeing!" the aid looked startled.

Soifon, being deep in thought, replied, "Don't question the authority of your overlord!"

"Um…"

She winced, "I mean, of course! Get Omaeda and tell him that there's a job I want him to do."

"Uh…" the aid scrambled to do the task. After all, the pitiful, cowardly fury of the Vice Captain was like an anthill next to the mountain that was the chagrin of the Captain herself.

"Yes…" Soifon hissed, "Now I can double my vengeance… after all, the two of them were made for each other…" She shrugged and opened the box on the table and removed a fruit snack, "Maybe this week isn't going to be so bad after all…"

* * *

"Dun!" the tiny vice captain grinned, "I've been waiting for you…"

"Uh…" Marechiyo vaguely wondered if he had been warped onto the set of a low production cost horror movie.

"Not happy to see me?" Yachiru asked innocently, while moving the flashlight closer to her face and deepening the shadows, "Now I wonder why…"

The fat man shifted his sack of potato chips, "…Uh…" he began sweating visibly. The 11th Company Vice captain could make even a bright sunny day seem like a tower of terror ride. Even if she was holding a cliché flashlight to her face in the middle of the day, while the sun shone down on Seritei.

"Mm-hmm," Yachiru broke out a smile, "It's okay, Fatty," Marechiyo blanched at the nickname, "I wont hurt you…" she shrugged, "At least, not permanently…" she considered something, "Never mind, scratch that."

Marechiyo was officially terrified.

What did Yachiru have in store for him? Was it torture? Or death by the stake? Maybe a combat session with Kenpachi? He paled even further and began sweating profusely.

The answer was, none of the above.

A more precise answer would be:

Drag.

Yes.

Since Yachiru could not procure a fat lady, she had decided to go with the next best option. She led Marechiyo into 11th Company with a happy smile, "Come on, fat lady!"

Ikkaku (or was it Renji?) passed by drinking a bottle of sake, "Be afraid," he advised the Vice Captain, "Be very afraid."

And, despite the cliché, he was.

* * *

After they had trundled off the comatose Nanao, much to the collective relief of many, and Mayuri hustled after her, taking notes.

Unfortunately, the side affect of Nanao's sudden departure was that the quelled masses of fangirls woke up. And suddenly, the hysterics of the 8th Company Vice Captain weren't so bad after all.

All the girls stood up and looked towards the still 'Pyon'-ing Ichigo.

"Uh…" Ukitake looked a bit rattled, "What should we do…?" he trailed off.

"Aw…" Sunsui had imbibed vast quantities of alcohol in the last period of time since he had been written about, "Look at all those cute girls admiring me…"

Unohana sighed, "They look more like they want to eat you."

"Either way," Sunsui took another swig of sake.

Before any climatic battle scenes could occur, someone rang a cowbell, "Attention all!"

"Uh…" Unohana was speechless her calm shattering and becoming more of a perplexed silence.

The assembled masses turned around to see none other than Miss Hinamori Momo standing in front of them on the flower-strewn stage.

"Uh," Unohana tried again, "What happened to your hair…?"

"Hey!" Sunsui swung by, still drinking, "Aren't you supposed to be in the loony bin?" he slurred.

Hinamori ignored him, she tapped the mike, "Now listen to my plagiarized version of the song 'Gimme More' by Brittany Spears."

"She doesn't know how fitting that song is for her, does she?"

Hinamori banged on a pot and sang out, "Gimme, Gimme, More… uh… what goes next?"

"Wow," Ukitake sighed, "She even forgot her lines."

"Oh yeah! Gimme, Gimme…" confusion etched itself across the 5th Company Vice Captain's face, "…uh… vitamins…?" she danced around the stage.

"What is with this arc and little tablets!?"

* * *

Yachiru ran busily around Marechiyo, tucking in a pin here and dabbing some mascara on there until she stepped back, satisfied, "Done! Let's go!"

* * *

"YEAH!" Hinamori finished with a flourish.

"Well," Ukitake examined the clipboard that Nanao had dropped, "I think she the only act that showed, so we're done…"

"WAIT! I OBJECT!" Yachiru ran into the scene.

"This isn't a wedding you know," Ukitake closed his tired eyes.

"I love you too, Ju-shiro-chan."

"That was mildly disturbing," Sunsui took another swig of sake.

"FAT LADY!" the pink haired terror turned to the woman, er, man, standing next to her.

"Marechiyo?"

"SING!" Yachiru commanded.

"BUT I CAN'T SING!" Marechiyo sobbed, swaying in his dress, "AND I'M GOING THROUGH JUNK FOOD WITHDRAWLS!" his chips having been confiscated.

"Marechiyo," Yachiru smiled mildly, "Do you know what happens to people who don't do as I say?"

He whimpered and sang gibberish in a falsetto.

Yachiru was the only one who clapped.

* * *

"Um…" Isane raided her hand, "Who won the cash prize?"

The group of Shinigami, humans, drag queens and other fellows, were assembled in the stadium, which had dried off sometime during the freak show that had occurred there.

"Well," Yachiru tapped her chin, her childish expression peering innocently over at her audience, "Since Hinamori was the only act… she wins."

"How much?" Hinamori had finally conceded to wearing a wig (after it had been Super Super Carpentry Glued to her head by an enraged Toshiro, of course). She ran her fingers through the platinum locks and dreamily thought of all she could do with the money. Like paying Toshiro to dress up in drag like Marechiyo was.

"Since we ran out of funds," Yachiru smiled cutely, her face innocently juxtaposing itself next to the cruel words that followed, "Everyone here, except for me, gets to be her slave."

"But…" Nanao, who had recovered from her brush with 'love', whimpered, "I didn't do anything to merit this…! We never agree to do it…"

Yachiru held up a sheet of paper onto which all of their signatures were forged messily in crayon, "Ask the legal paper."

"Are you sure that those are our signatures?" Ichigo glowered, "I don't remember—" He is immediately knocked out with a blow dart held by the tiny 11th Division Vice Captain. He then sits bolt upright and begins screaming bloody murder.

Yachiru smiled and loaded another dart, "Any other objections?"

"Uh…" Rukia ducks behind her brother, "What is in that thing, anyway?"

"The Chappy & Friends show, hour-long special episode," the pink haired girl twirled the tube holding the blow dart.

"I object," Rukia raised her hand and then spent the next hour happily singing the Chappy & Friends theme song.

"Anyone else?"

The remaining group members shook their heads. They didn't have the fortitude required to sit though an entire hour of Chappy & Friends.

"Yay!" Hinamori beamed, she looked at the motley crew of shinigami standing before her and grinned, giving her verdict:

"From now on, we shall be known as the… JUSTICE LEAGUE!"

"UNOHANA! WHAT WAS THIS CRAP ABOUT HER RECOVERING COMPLETELY?"

* * *

_Bleached: Yes, our freakishly long arc is OVER!_

_Yachiru: Hey! How did you get out of the closet…? I mean… You're back!_

_Bleached: Yep, I couldn't let you monopolize the finale author notes, could I? Anyway, review and I'll post the new chapter… Which will be… out of lack of a better descriptor… Special._

_Renji: Some parts of this arc made zero sense… what happened to me?_

_Bleached: Heh… I might get to explaining it later… And sorry ya'll that this chappy came out way late… Please review! And I'm off to go do whatever I do in my free time._

_Yachiru: You notice how we segued back into doing really long author notes?_

_Nanao: And somehow, my end of chapter update died._

_Bleached: I have a short attention span, I skip from one thing to another very quickly._

_Golten: Woof!_

_Bleached: Oh, this is my friend's pet dog._

_Nanao: WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THIS FIC?_

_Bleached: I've returned to filling space… but ya'll should know that I wrote 3000 words especially for you guys. Please review!_


	19. WTF! We get Author Notes? & Whodunit

**Shinigami Women's Society**

By bleached.dragon

* * *

**May 15****th**** Meeting**

**Topic: WTF! We get Author Notes?**

Yep. You get Author Notes for this chapter. Straight author notes, not my running gag dialogue that tries to be funny and up my word count.

Yes. Bleachie is going to be serious for the duration for the next series of words or so…

Anyway, since my giant mega-super arc is over and we've covered everything from mech suits to product placement to fangirls, Bleachie has decided that she needs _your_ help. Yes, her think tank is running dry.

So…

"_Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled questions yearning to be answered. I lift my tired fingers next to my broken keyboard."_

As you can see, I'm running out of juice, (literally and figuratively—anyone want to get me some apple juice?), especially since I'm parodying _Emma Lazarus._

Starting next chapter, I'm beginning a new series of short pieces (approx. 500-1000 words) compared to my usual long ones (2000+ words approx.) The short pieces will (hopefully) get updated more, since I won't have to try to up my word count and they're going to have a common topic:

SWS Answers: ALL your questions.

So, submit a question or topic of study and our talented (relatively) Shinigami at the Society will (attempt to) answer your question or conduct a study group.

Try to think of the weirdest and wackiest things possible because Bleachie is depending on you, her loyal (somewhat…?) fan (who am I kidding?) base.

So thank ye in advance. And if I don't get anything, we're seriously going to watch paint dry with Yachiru for my next piece.

So! Get those suggestions cracking! And please submit your suggestions in review form.

Lastly: I would like to apologize to anyone who was offended by my awful spelling skills and think that I should've learned to spell Shunsui's name by chapter 18. Sorry, I failed you. (And my 3rd Grade spelling teacher) So from now on, I'm going to spell his name as 'Shunsui'. Thank you. (Did anyone notice how I can't spell the 4th Espada's name right? –This occurred somewhere in the Product Placement series)

So thanks in—!

_**CRASH!**_

_**BANG!**_

_**AIEEEEEEEE!**_

Woof?

* * *

**May 15****th**** Meeting**

**Topic: Whodunit**

The air in the Shinigami Women's Society clubroom is dark and cloying and filled with dread and despair. Nanao slumps up to the podium in a dark mood. Yachiru doesn't even bother trying to lead the club; she just rocks slowly back and forth in the corner, singing softly to herself.

Nanao is reluctant to break the news to the Society members, "I'm sorry, but seventeen lines ago, our author, bleached.dragon vanished in the middle of the rant under mysterious circumstances. And only this dog was found at the scene," she points her finger at the golden retriever panting next to her. "His name is Golten, he is the author's friend's dog, who appeared for one line in the last chapter."

"Yeah," Rangiku attempted to swagger, "We read about it all in the gossip column of Shinigami Today."

Isane whimpered, "What are we going to do? Our author's missing!"

Yachiru leapt from her seat in the corner, revitalizing in an instant, "Bleachie's last request was for us to answer all questions submitted, so that's what we'll do. We'll also have a second group investigating what happened to her."

Soifon looked up from her nails, "We'll keep this ship running, somehow."

Yachiru turns towards the studio audience, "So please submit your questions! We need them to survive! And tune in… NEXT TIME!"


	20. The True Story of Proza, uh, Soul Candy

****

Shinigami Women's Society

By (Uh… I haven't quite figured out who's writing this… since I'm supposed to be incarcerated and all… so just keep saying that it's by bleached.dragon… but I think someone else had been writing my story… since there's only Coca-cola where I'm at.)

_Hinamori: Now that Bleachie is gone… I really miss the author notes…_

_Nanao: Yeah… It feels too wrong without these random author notes…_

_Soifon: Despite the fact they were just random gag fests…_

_Toshiro: Despite the fact that I got pushed into a sewer that one episode…_

_Byakuya: Despite the fact that she keeps trying to get me to confess my undying love…_

_Renji: Despite the fact that she keeps sticking advertisements on my back…_

_Sunsui: Despite the fact that they didn't show up until chapter 6…_

_Genrusai: Despite the fact that she blatantly lies in her notes…_

_Rukia: Despite the fact that she tried to make me tell bad jokes…_

_Isane: Despite the fact that the notes seem to go on diets and then eat too many hotdogs…_

_Yachiru: Despite the fact that I hijacked them…_

_Rangiku: Despite the fact that they kept stuffing random countdowns in…_

_Nanao: WHAT THE HELL! THIS IS JUST A LAME MONTAUGE!_

_Hinamori: Now that you put it this way… maybe I don't miss them anymore…_

_Golten: Woof! (Translation: You can find all of this crap in past author notes.)_

* * *

**Isane and Nemu present:**

**The True Story of Proza—uh, Soul Candy**

The Shinigami Women's Society has been converted into a studio. In the center, underneath the glare of all the cameras, Nemu and Isane stand nervously as the camerawoman sways and zooms in erratically.

"Rangiku!" Nanao dumps a bucket load of water on the drunken camerawoman, "Don't operate the camera while you're drunk!"

"You don't get it, Nanao-chan," Rangiku slurs as she sways dangerously, "I… am a practitioner of the art of the secret… uh… drunken… camera arts…?" She tried, hard, but collapsed under the weight of the camera.

"HEY! Someone else get here," Nanao sighed, "I knew it would be a disaster without bleached…"

Minutes later, the camerawoman had been swapped out and now the camera was tilted upwards at a rakish angle as if someone really short was trying to take the feed. Yachiru Kusajishi finally found a perch to settle on and giant ropy things obscured half the screen.

"Ken-chan, move your head a bit," she instructed her 'tripod'.

Nanao didn't bother anymore, "Three… two… one…"

"Uh… hello… and um…" Nemu checks her note cards, "Welcome to the SWS Tells All…"

Isane is struggling with stage fright, "We're checking in… with… ah…" sweat drips off her face, "ah… pro…" she looks frantically off the camera, "Line please?"

"THIS ISN'T A DAMN PLAY! GET YOUR LINES STRAIGHT! YOU'VE GOT A FUCKING NOTECARD RIGHT INFRONT OF YOU!" Nanao had returned happily to hysterical mode.

"… Oh, sorry…" Isane looked down, "We're doing a historical lesson on the history of Proza—uh… Soul Candy…"

"Let me show you how Soul Candy is made…" Nemu fumbles with her note cards, "So please wait after the break…"

The camera gets dropped on the floor and there is a muffled curse, the sound of blender, and a shrill shriek.

* * *

This crappy program is brought to you by Super Super Carpentry Glue. Long lasting glue that will really stick. (Unless you frequent tsunami riddled areas.)

* * *

"AAAAAND we're back," Nemu is drinking a glass of some goopy liquid (we think it's a smoothie), "Pretty much… we're stalk—er, covertly following, 12th Division Captain Mayuri Kurotchi through Seritei as he conducts the top secret practice that is the core of making Soul Candy."

The camera bobs and Yachiru jumps from roof to roof as the follows Mayuri. Yachiru trips on a tile and comes crashing down with a bang.

"Hmm…" Mayuri turns around, "I wonder what that was…" he shrugs and waves it off, "Must be the spaceship of a conquering alien tribe."

"…uh…" Nemu hustles towards Yachiru and picks up the camera, "We should've had Soifon do this…"

Mayuri turns the corner and into a pharmacy.

"Strange…" Nemu follows behind, her voice full of over dramatized shock, "What could he be doing?" she asked in a voice that was several octaves higher than her norm in an attempt to sound convincingly surprised.

They follow Mayuri into the store and he wheels a small cart down the aisle and coming to a shelf, he casually dumps the entire contents of the particular shelf into his shopping cart and wheels it to the cash register.

Nemu hastens after her Captain/father and turns the corner just in time to catch the clerk screeching, "You're buying eighty bottles of Proza—" before she could finish, Mayuri had already paid and breezed out of the store.

Nemu sighed and returned to the emptied shelf and zooms in on a bottle that had been exempted from the wipeout, "Oh look, it's a bottle."

"Stop stating the obvious," Nanao hissed from her place in the corner of the screen as she waved a cue card.

"Um…" Nemu picked up the bottle, "It says here that this is a bottle of Prozac…" Nemu gave up trying to appear as if she were learning this for the first time, "Which he will then package to be distributed," she turns to the screen, "Chappy flavor, anyone?"

* * *

This random essay is brought to you by the number… 69!

(Hisagi & Kensei: S-SHUT UP!)

* * *

"Uh…" Isane is standing in front of 4th Division; she is also drinking an unidentified liquid. "We're here at 4th Division Relief Center to show you a secret… ketchup… of Proza—uh, Soul Candy…"

She is promptly nailed in the head by a cue card. Nanao is heard screaming in the background, "YOU IDIOT! WHAT DOES 'KETCHUP' HAVE TO DO WITH THIS ENTIRE SHOW? AND DON'T SAY 'PROZA—UH, SOUL CANDY' EITHER SAY ONE OR THE OTHER!"

"Uh… sorry," Isane looks like she's going to cry, "We're going to…um… show you a secret use for… Prozac…"

"SAY 'SOUL CANDY'! JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE BASICALLY THE SAME THING DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO CALL IT PROZAC!"

Isane runs into the Relief Center, turns a corner (you can hear the cameraman having difficulties catching up) and runs into a hospital wing where an 11th Company member crying in the corner of the room.

"Yachiru prepared this… um… thing… just for us…" Isane looks nervously around. She closes her eyes and pops a pill into the mouth of the Shinigami.

"Pyon!" immediately docile, the 11th Company member's eyes glaze over and he hops around.

"And that's a secret use of Prozac… otherwise known as Soul Candy."

Nanao grumbles off in he corner, "Some secret use…"

Yachiru is all smiles, "Catch up with us NEXT TIME! On the SWS Knows Everything and Anything! Don't forget to submit your questions!"

* * *

_Nanao: Did we even decide on a title for this arc? _

_Yachiru: NEXT TIME!_

_Soifon: We're investigating people! PI Soifon here..._


	21. Private Shinigami Investigators: Part 1

**Shinigami Women's Society**

By (The author issue is still a no-go... just keep saying it's by bleached.dragon)

_Nanao: Since we're running out of material, (please submit) we're going to catch up with the girls who are investigating the author's disappearance so we can get back to our comfortable mediocrity._

_Yachiru: As always, please review! We nearly have fifty now! Although I wanted a hundred… so remember to GO BACK DOWN MEMORY LANE! READ ALL THE CHAPTERS AGAIN AND REVIEW FOR EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER YA DIDN'T REVIEW FOR!_

_Nanao: You're being really pushy Yachiru._

_Yachiru: Super 'I want reviews!' fist of DOOM!_

_Soifon: Jeez, pushy. Anyway, this time, we will show you how this 'investigation' thingy came to be…_

_Golten: Woof! (Translation: We apologize for the late release, since we were busy last week. To make it up to you, two chapters will be released.)_

* * *

**Shinigami Private Investigators 1:**

Let's talk about singing

"…Doo… do… doo… do… doo…" Yachiru sang in an off tune falsetto while dancing around in the middle of 11th Company's cafeteria during lunch, "da… da… da… di… da…"

Kenpachi winced.

"Mi… me… me… la…"

Kenpachi covered his head and wished that the pills he had taken would kick in already and put him out of his misery. Yachiru was fine and all, but sometimes—

"…I … love… you…!"

There is a dead silence. Yachiru had uttered the forbidden words… The entire cafeteria hummed with the energy of 11th Company battlers who didn't amount to anything more than hormonal little boys.

"…Yes… I… do…!" Yachiru sang on blithely.

Kenpachi buried his face in the giant bowl before him, and desperately wished to block out the beady eyes that were trained on him.

Yachiru paused in her solo and skipped down the rows of tables. A sigh of relief went up as the song was ceased, but not for long.

"Pachinko-head!"

Ikkaku kept eating.

"PA-CHIN-KO head!" Yachiru tapped her foot.

Ikkaku slurped some more ramen and pointedly looked the other way.

Yachiru lost her patience. And when this little chibi loses her patience, there's hell to pay.

"GLOMPH!"

"OW!"

Or many just a friendly little bite to the baldhead.

The baldhead reacted explosively, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR YACHIRU!"

"MUMP!" Yachiru punched Ikkaku in the back.

It took everyone gathered in the cafeteria pulling at once to make Yachiru's death grip on Ikkaku's head give one inch.

"Heave, HO!"

Finally, Kenpachi looked up from his soba and whistled once, long and low. Immediately, Yachiru detached herself from Ikkaku's head and dashed on all fours to the 11th Company Captain, panting heavily like she was a dog. Kenpachi placed the half eaten bowl of soba on the floor and Yachiru began happily eating from it.

"Jeez," Ikkaku rubbed his head, "This'll leave a mark."

"Not beautiful at all," Yumichika agreed, the narcissist looked off into the distance, "I know!" he jumped up and dug something from his pocket, "You can wear this!" He brandished a wig that was an exact replica of his own hair.

"Why would I want to wear that thing?" Ikkaku snapped.

Yumichika shrugged, "I use it for bad hair days."

Unfortunately for Ikkaku, Yachiru suddenly remembered the reason why she had been bugging Ikkaku in the first place, "Ikkaku! Sing with me!"

The remaining occupants in the cafeteria began to snigger.

"What! NO!" Ikkaku grabbed Yumichika's wig and crammed it on his head.

"Sing!" Yachiru banged her fist on his newly Yumichikafied head, "Sing! Sing! Sing! Sing!"

Ikkaku looked pleadingly at his captain while he suffered through Yachiru's tantrum, "Captain!"

Kenpachi growled, and stormed over, not willing to sacrifice another bowl of soba. He paused in front of his vice captain and struggled for some, uh, fatherly words to impart on the chibi, "Uh… Yachiru… go… and …" Kenpachi floundered, "Have a play date or something."

"Play… date?" Yachiru tipped her head cutely, as she tested the word out, "Play… date…" she smiled, "Okay, Ken-chan! I'll go visit Bleachie!"

"Um…" Yumichika waved his hand, "It's not beautiful in any way, but isn't bleached.dragon missing?"

"Then I'll just have to look for her!" Yachiru skipped off.

Ikkaku sighed, "Why do I have a feeling that we're going to be clearing up red tape for weeks in the future."

* * *

Soifon and Rukia were enjoying a relatively quiet time, since nothing drastic had happened to them after the author had vanished. Well, that is until…

"NINJA-GIRL!" Soifon flinched and turned towards Yachiru as she dashed happily towards her.

"I. Am. Not. A. Ninja," Soifon replied through gritted teeth, "Dattebayo!"

"Of course you aren't, Naruto," Yachiru grinned.

"I thought Renji was Naruto," Rukia took a bite of her dango, "He'll be mad when we change the cast list for the play."

"Play?" Soifon stared at her like she was crazy.

"Our annual fundraising play," Rukia shrugged, "I wanted it to Chappy and Friends: The Musical, but I got outvoted, so we're doing Shinigami Ninja Naruto: The Musical."

Soifon sighed, "So that's why no one told me…"

"Since you're sensitive on the 'ninja' thing…"

"I wanted Shinigami School Musical," Yachiru raised her hand, grinning, "…we're shunpoeing, really fast, there's not a soul in the Real World that we can't konso!" she sang.

Soifon gave Yachiru a strange look, "Are you sure that you didn't write those crappy lyrics yourself?"

Yachiru took her time replying, drinking some of Soifon's tea, turning towards her and spewing it at the 2nd Company Captain, "Baka Ninja-pon!"

Rukia slowly edged away from the two of them, but Yachiru had gotten over her sudden spasm of anger. The chibi bounced up and down and proclaimed happily, "We're going to find Bleachie!"

"Eh? We—?" Rukia was uncomfortable with this turn of events.

"Yep!"

"Why?" Soifon joined Rukia in edging away.

Yachiru turned to the two of them with her biggest, creepiest smile, "So I have a Pokemon Battle with her, of course!"

Rukia looked at Soifon with an expression of utter terror, "Are you sure she's alright in the head?"

Soifon grimaced, "And here I thought we were over Pokemon battles…"

"Alright! Let's go talk to that doggy!" Yachiru ran off.

"I repeat, are you sure she's alright in the head?"

* * *

_Yachiru: Wee! We're talking to a doggie! _

_Soifon: Actually, next episode…_

_Rangiku: We're starting a mini-arc!_

_Soifon: What she said._

_Rangiku: Oh! I'm so excited, I'm hosting it and it's about…_

_Toshiro: No way! You're not possibly—!_

_Rangiku: (clamps hand on Toshiro's mouth) Nothing, nothing!_

_Yachiru: But we just started the SPI arc…_

_Rangiku: We're rotating!_

_Isane: Isn't that awfully confusing?_

_Rukia and Nanao: But we had stories all written out!_

_Rangiku: I'll explain! We're rotating my arc with the SPI arc with the SWS Knows All arc and we're also going to add a lot of miscellaneous crap._

_Toshiro: NO! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL THAT!_

_Yachiru: Story? I want to hear it!_

_Toshiro: YOU ALREADY KNOW IT!_

_Yachiru: No I don't!_

_Rangiku: My, my, this is problematic…_

_Nanao: Rangiku's new arc is actually based on a second story that Bleached contemplated writing, and ultimately scrapped, because she's doing stuff for D.Gray-Man, so we're going to use the things she did._

_Yachiru: NEXT TIME! Rangiku's Story: … for some reason, it's titled chapter 1… (It's really short though)_


	22. HainekoLOVE: Part 1

**Shinigami Women's Society**

By (Now, this is by me… bleached.dragon … Meh, didn't think that they would resort to using this… they really have gotten desperate…)

_Rangiku: And we're here with an installment of MY arc…_

_Toshiro: The horror… the memories…_

_Hinamori: It couldn't be that bad… could it?_

_Toshiro: Hinamori…!_

_Rangiku: Never mind their hormonal drama… and remember, this entire story was supposed to be written as a humorous romance parody, grabbing the strangest pairs together. Anyway, I'll be presenting what was supposed to be the beginning… of ! Because we thought you would like some quality (that's relatively speaking) writing that didn't involve bad camerawomen._

_(Note: Haineko is Rangiku's Zanpakuto.)_

* * *

**Chapter 1**

Matsumoto Rangiku, for once, was working hard. Manuals, documents, papers, pens and other sigils of a desk clerk, lay scattered on her table, Rangiku herself was hammering furiously at the keyboard on her laptop, while bobbing her head to some music that completely isolated her in an iBubble. She only paused briefly from her work to gulp down vast quantities of caffeine and to reference some book.

Her captain, who spent most of his waking hours trying to persuade her to work, was astounded. Toshiro Hitsguya had exhausted innumerable hours cajoling, threatening and persuading his lieutenant to do some work, but had finally caved in and just piled her share of work on his plate.

It wasn't that bad actually, it was just like when he was a kid. Momo wouldn't want to eat something and she would just pile it on him, like he was a trash bin or something.

Toshiro sighed, on a second thought; he was relieved that Matsumoto had decided to take the initiative.

He expressed this sentiment in words, something he would regret, "I'm glad you've started to take your responsibilities seriously, Matsumoto."

Rangiku looked up and grinned, "Aw, it's nothing like that."

Toshiro sighed, "The illusion was nice, while it lasted."

"I'm starting up my own business," Rangiku continued.

"WHAT?" Toshiro blanched, "you can't even finish paperwork, so why are you considering doing your own business… anyway, you have a job you know, and I'd appreciate it if you did it."

Rangiku shrugged, "You know that old man Yamamoto just throws the paperwork away the moment he gets it."

"He recycles it!" Toshiro replied hotly.

"And the difference being…?"

"One is more environmentally friendly."

"Wow, Shiro-chan knows a big word like 'environmentally'. I'm impressed! That's six syllables!"

Toshiro ground his teeth audibly, "Matsumoto…!"

"What?" Matsumoto smiled languidly at him. She shrugged when he continued leveling his death glare at her, "How about I give you a free trial of my product?"

"Product?"

"It's more of a service," Matsumoto tapped away at the keys and turned her keyboard towards him, "Enter personal information here."

"This isn't some online scam site, is it?" Toshiro looked nervously at the keyboard, "Why does it want to know my Social Security Number?"

"Well, if you wanted to donate money…"

"Donate?"

Matsumoto waved her hand, "You don't have to enter that field."

Toshiro tapped away at the keys apprehensively, "Okay."

"Processing," Rangiku hummed, "Done."

Toshiro looked at the letters on the screen, "Congratulations," he read, "You are now a member of the hainekoLOVE online dating registry—WHAT?" He jumped up in his seat, "You never told me it was a dating registry."

Matsumoto ignored him, "Toshiro Hitsguya, 10th Squad Captain," she mumbled as she typed, "Likes busty girls…"

"Matsumoto!" Toshiro tackled her.

Rangiku's hand shot up to edit the profile, "really likes busty girls…"

* * *

_Rangiku: Damn! That was way too short!_

_Toshiro: We can cut it off now! Director! Cancel! Cancel!_

_Yachiru: But I wanna hear the story!_

_Toshiro: No, you don't, and YOU ALREDY KNOW IT!_

_Rangiku: Things escalate in the next chapter… of this arc…_

_Renji and Isane: As it is, next time is our turn to bring you a composition we're calling "That Damned Trip!"_

_Rangiku: It's creepy how they've started to speak in unison, I think they over rehearsed._

_Renji and Isane: We'll talk a bit about the vacation that half the SWS took, and returned from… swearing not to speak of again._

_Rangiku: But… didn't you swear not to speak of it again?_

_Renji: We're getting paid more to speak._

_Isane: Then we can buy a new CAT scanner for 4__th__ Company._

_Rangiku: What about that mysterious donor?_

_Renji: Next Time… "That Damned Trip!"… _

_Rangiku: Hey! Didn't I go too? So why am I not getting paid? Oh and bonus points if you can guess which wacky pairing is featured in my story… Include it in the review that you are doing! You are writing a review, aren't you?_


	23. That Damned Trip!

**Shinigami Women's Society**

By (Now, this is, again, by me—at least the plot is—bleached.dragon… they really have gotten even more desperate than last time…)

_Rukia: so, what did we swear on to never tell this story, anyway?_

_Isane: I don't really remember…_

_Renji: I sense foreshadowing…_

_Nemu: This really isn't fair… I wasn't in the original arc containing the therapy session and I'm not in this one either!_

_Yachiru: Remember! Reviews motivate this crew… (we get paid nicely for every one…)_

_Nanao: I would like to correct a misquote, Rangiku did not go on this trip, she was hallucinating_

_Rukia: Anyway, as it says in the 'by' line, bleachie did come up with the plot for this one, even if we're telling it..._

* * *

**Isane and Renji Present:**

**That Damned Trip!**

"Everything started out fine…" Isane reminisced as she sat with Renji in front of multiple microphones as they began to relate their tale.

Renji smiled happily, "The sun was shining. Yachiru was playing poker with Kiyone. Ichigo was screaming in pain…"

"Hold on," Isane jumped up, "These are supposed to be happy memories! Happy! Like, cupcakes and cookies, sugar plum fairy, the Ring! Happy!"

"The Ring is happy?" Renji blinked.

"It cut down population growth," Isane smiled serenely and a flicker of Unohana's face was projected over her own, "and this annoying 11th Company guy I lent it to…"

Renji made a mental note never to do anything to the 4th Company Vice Captain, "Erm, anyway, Ichigo was screaming…"

Isane shrugged, "How about we just drag in a flashback?"

"Fine by me," Renji leaned back in his chair.

Isane dug through her pockets and she produced a ticket stub, "These things usually cause flashbacks…"

They waited a full minute.

And then a flashback slowly spluttered to life…

* * *

There is muffled cursing as the stage crew moved props around the space and then the lights finally flickered on.

The crew who went on the fateful trip on is on a plane bound for a distant land. Yachiru, Rukia, Kiyone and Isane are arrayed in the uncomfortable upright seats. Well, at least they had upright seats; Renji had been consigned to sit out the journey in a bathroom.

(Rukia: This is actually based on a true story bleachie heard in the news…)

"Why do I have to sit in the damn lavatory?" the pineapple head snapped angrily to his companions as he stood in the aisle, blockading the passage of the food cart.

"Hey," Rukia leaned back in her chair, sticking her head from the first class seats that she had convinced her brother to pay for, "at least you don't have to wait in line for the bathroom." She attempted to put on a sincere face, for a comment that was instigated purely to gloat.

"Damn you!"

Kiyone and Isane are squeezed in between a grossly obese member of society who had to flip up both armrests to fit into his seat. Isane manages a squeezed, "At least you have room…" she gasped and choked and there is the distinctive sound of ribs breaking.

"It'll be nice for a class action lawsuit," Kiyone mumbles, her face glued to the window, and not of her own volition.

Oblivious to the two Shinigami, whose conversation had moved from the civil topic of lawsuits to gutting him in his sleep, the traveler who was currently squeezing the two women into pancakes snored on.

Renji had to admit that the Kiyone and Isane had a point.

"There's legroom!" Yachiru chimed, from her seat situated directly in front of the television. She smiled cutely and resumed singing the Chappy and Friends theme song, "Just don't forget to flush on your way out!"

* * *

Ding!

Your flashback has expired. Please pick another item for this plotline to focus on.

* * *

Isane sighed and pulled out another ticket stub, "How about Renji's ticket?"

The two of them looked expectantly around, but seeing as nothing happened, they sighed and prepared for a long wait as they watched the minutes tick by.

One…

Two…

Three…

Renji dug out a pack of cards and began to deal. The two of them began to play poker but there was still no flashback after several games.

"ROYAL FLUSH!" Renji jumped up triumphantly and suddenly a flashback slammed into them like an oncoming train.

* * *

The camera focused on the cards and the scene changed back to the one on the plane as another person laid down a royal flush. (Isane: Flashbacks these days, so dramatic and camera angle obsessed.)

"ROYAL FLUSH!" an energetic voice chimed.

Renji, kneeling in the aisle, threw down his straight draw in frustration, "Dammit! What's with your luck? This is the tenth time in a row!"

Yachiru merely grinned mischievously and extended her chubby hand into which Renji reluctantly deposited his month's paycheck, "I'm just lucky," she replied modestly, "Still want to play?"

"I ran out of paychecks," Renji replied irritably.

"You can write IOU's," the midget cardsharp's eyes glinted, "I'm betting everything you lost this game…"

Renji couldn't resist, "Just give me some paper."

Yachiru fumbled in her bag for the requested item and doing so, cards slid out of her sleeves, "Ah!"

"YOU CHEATER!" Renji tried to jump the tiny girl.

"CHILD ABUSE!" the little Shinigami screamed back and he tried to wrestle her.

"GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK!" Renji fumbled for Yachiru's bag.

"RAPE!" Yachiru shrieked.

The entire plane froze at those words.

All hell broke loose.

Fifteen minutes later, after the slight misunderstanding had been cleared out, everything was relatively peaceful. Rukia and Yachiru had dozed off and Isane and Kiyone were brewing a poison to slip into the food of their new friend. Renji was writing a lawsuit as he perched on his unique seat.

Another fifteen minutes later the plane finally taxis down into the runway, and the passengers on the flight breathe a collective sigh of relief. Renji is the first person off the plane, bolting for the nearest bathroom.

Rukia sighed, "That is just lame. He spent the entire flight in the bathroom and then he runs off the plane for the nearest lavatory."

"Diarrhea?" Yachiru suggested cutely as she spent Renji's paychecks at the gift shop.

"Let's go," Isane limped towards Customs.

"Can't you just heal yourself," Rukia snapped, fed up with Isane's invalid act.

Kiyone limped after her sister, "It would be bad for the lawsuit though."

Rukia sighed, "I'm surrounded by weirdoes."

"Welcome to America," the stewardess replied.

* * *

Renji is pocketing Isane's monthly paycheck, "Huh? The flashback ended?"

Isane checked her watch, "I think that this is where we're supposed to make comments and stuff…"

Renji flapped his arms, "Just skip to the next flashback," a direct consequence of his act caused a deck of cards to slide from his sleeves.

"Renji…" Isane looked at him with an utterly evil expression, "what might those be?"

"Uh…" Renji looked for possible weapons and he spied the candleholder and inched towards it.

Fortunately for our redhead, a flashback zoomed in and another installment of the saga appeared.

* * *

"Um excuse me?" an airport worker walked over to the group of Shinigami Women's Society members. Several burly security guards followed him closely.

Rukia sighed. She had expected this to happen sooner or later. After all, you didn't import weapons of mass destruction though the airport system without something turning up. She leveled her gaze at Yachiru, to whom the pink suitcases full of lethal weapons belonged.

"Um… Miss…" Rukia jolted when she realized that the airport worker was tapping her shoulder.

Rukia turned around slowly, "y-yes?" she briefly wondered if they had mistaken her for Yachiru's mother. It was a possibility, if a slim one.

"You were carrying contraband," she was informed sternly.

"Wha?" Rukia stared, "Are you sure you got the right bags?"

"This is yours, right?" the airport worker gestured towards Rukia's chappy emblazoned suitcase.

"Uh, yes?" Rukia replied nervously, "but could you tell me what kind of contraband I am supposedly carrying?"

The security guard held up Rukia's Chappy hand lotion, "You can't carry over 50 ml of any liquid substance."

This was ridiculous. Rukia rubbed her temples, "What kind of harm could pink hand lotion do to get it confiscated?"

"You could blow up the plane," she was informed.

"IF I WANTED TO BLOW UP THE PLANE," Rukia screeched back, "I WOULD HAVE DONE IT WHILE I WAS STILL ON THE PLANE!"

"O-okay…" the airport worker decided not to press the matter, "Have a nice day then." He pocketed the lotion and sauntered off.

Unfortunately, he bumped Yachiru's bags and they fell open, spilling some of the world's most hazardous weaponry onto the floor.

Rukia swore. Why the hell did Yachiru have to carry dangerous items with her whenever she received a gigai?

The airport worker grabbed his mike, "We have a Four-Oh-Six emergency! I repeat Four-Oh-Six!"

"What does four-oh-six mean?" Yachiru asked innocently.

"It means," Isane replied brightly, "That we can add more grievances to our lawsuit."

"It means," Rukia amended, "That we're in trouble."

The travelers/shinigami/women were arrested before they could say, "Byakuya Kuchiki is gay," (Rukia: n-not that I would, or anything like that.) and their pictures were snapped and bounced all over the media networks by a desperate administration. Never mind that the alleged terrorist was a pink haired girl who looked about six and beat up all the security guards because they wouldn't give her ramen.

* * *

Isane was drinking some Coke, having given up on rumored calming effects of tea, "I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company," she hummed. (Rukia: Even more product placement…! This show is loaded.)

"O-okay…" Renji raised his tattoos, "you're supposed to introduce this one."

Isane sighed, "Fine…"

* * *

Live Feed from Interrogation Room One:

Isane had already figured out a routine for this kind of tragedy, always assuming that Kiyone would get herself arrested by some global spy network or other someday, so she is having hysterics and completely ignoring the interrogator. She rocked herself in the corner and muttered something about fishcakes and wasabi juice.

The interrogator was at a loss for words, he attempted to put on a stern face and asked, "Who hired you?"

"WASABI, WASABI!" Isane screamed in reply.

"Stop playing dumb!"

"WASABI!"

"If you want sushi so much, you shouldn't have joined a terrorist group!"

Isane lost her patience, "I'm not a part of a terrorist group! Take this! Super Fist of Fury! Die! Die!" she screamed hysterically.

After rendering the interrogator unconscious, she stalked down the door to free the rest of the crew. After we leave, she reasoned, we can go to Hollywood or something.

* * *

Live Feed from Interrogation Room Two:

Kiyone was drafting her lawsuit with the interrogator's computer.

"Hey! You! Cut it out!" the interrogator tried in vain to pry the girl that should have been subjugated to her interrogation skills away from her new Mac book. Kiyone merely hissed at her and resumed typing.

"I mean it!" the interrogator glared at Kiyone, "If you don't stop right now then it's time out for you!" she told the laptop hijacker sternly.

"Yes mommy, four more minutes," was the reply.

The interrogator didn't have time to do anything other than splutter, since someone knocked her out from behind.

"Come on Kiyone!" Isane stood behind her sister holding a curling iron, "let's go."

"Mac books are really hard to operate," Kiyone sulked as she lifted the equipment off the desk and followed her sister. (Rukia: The Mac book comment is actually the author's, so don't blame us.)

* * *

Live Feed from Interrogation Room Three:

"Mommy?"

"Erk!" the interrogator backed up another few steps and his back bumped into the wall and still he tried to back away from the twisted little girl sitting in front of him.

"I want juice," the said twisted girl informed her.

"I'm not your mother!" the interrogator snapped back.

Yachiru's eyes filled with tears, "B-but…" her lip quivered disarmingly, "I thought you loved me! I thought we had something special!"

The interrogator resumed backing away helplessly, wondering how he had turned, in the little girl's perception, from a mother to a lover.

Yachiru extended her arms, "I still love you!"

Isane and her curling iron saved the interrogator from further abuse at the hands of Yachiru. Isane dug though the pockets of the interrogator, "What's with the sentimental attachments?"

"Oh," the pink haired girl shrugged, "I get people to buy me food with that tactic."

"I see," Isane pocketed the interrogator's paycheck.

"In other news," Kiyone continued typing on her Mac Book, "When did you become a klepto, Isane?"

Isane picked up a wad of cash, "I keep losing at cards."

* * *

Live Feed from Interrogation Room Four:

"Like this…" Rukia held up a picture that closely resembled a bunny with a pink perm shooting a hyper beam at a bush, "That's the perpetrator."

"Uh…" the interrogator kneaded his forehead, his entire interrogation room had been plastered with similar drawings since Rukia had childishly insisted they be hung up. At least she hasn't asked for cookies and milk, he thought to himself.

"Oh! Almost forgot!" Rukia drew several dragon balls on the paper, "Make a wish!"

"I wish this would all go away," the interrogator moaned, promising himself that he would never have children.

His wish was immediately granted in the form of a hair curler that descended quickly towards his skull and connected with a crack.

"Wow, I wish that I had the entire Chappy and Friends collector's set!"

"There's a bit of a problem with that," Kiyone murmured as she redrafted her lawsuit, "you already do, although I can't fathom why anyone would want to own that toxic waste."

* * *

Live Feed from the Bath—er, Interrogation Room Five:

Renji was also drafting a lawsuit, as he perched on the edge of his interrogation seat. Well, it should have been a chair, but they had run out of interrogation rooms and Renji had, once again, been consigned to the bathroom.

"Goddammit!" Renji's fist decimated a stall wall, "What's with this place and bathrooms?" he wailed.

"Uh…" the interrogator slowly backed away.

Renji's fists of fury flew (Yachiru: Alliteration!) and pretty soon, they didn't even have a bathroom to hold the interrogations in.

"Man, you really need some help with your anger issues," Isane magically appeared with her hair curler and the rest of the party, "Isn't that how you destroyed your office and that closet?"

Renji refused to look up at the 4th Company Vice Captain as he mumbled something under his breath.

Rukia, who had heard the story, grinned, "What was that Renji?"

"…"

"I can't hear you," Rukia sang out in reply.

"I GOT A NEW OFFICE!" he snapped back at her.

"Where is it now?" Rukia asked with mock innocence.

"IN THE GODDAMN BATHROOM!" Renji howled back her as he clawed the remains of the bath—er, Interrogation Room Four.

Rukia sniggered, "Now, now, Renji. Don't use God's name in vain."

Renji made a rude gesture in response.

* * *

Isane taps her chin, "Wasn't there a reason why we swore never to talk about this trip?"

"I doesn't seem like anything out of the ordinary happened, did it?" Renji used 'ordinary' in a relative fashion.

"Oh!"

* * *

"ARG! DAMN THAT PIECE OF LUGGAGE!" Renji's fist slammed into Yachiru's pink suitcase, "DIE! DIE! DIE!"

Rukia watched Renji vent, "It looks like Renji's lost it."

Renji lit a mach.

"H-hey! Renji! What are you doing? There are fifty tons of TNT in that suitcase!"

Renji dropped his match in surprise, "There are?"

"Uh-huh, and you just dropped a match on the entire load," Rukia jolted, "AND YOU JUST DROPPED A MATCH ON THE ENTIRE LOAD!"

"Uh…" Renji watched the suitcase slowly catch fire.

"BOOM!"

The Shinigami were clustered around the same spot in the airport in their soul forms.

"RENJI! YOU BLEW UP JFK!" (Yachiru: JFK is an airport in NY.)

"Kentucky Fried Chicken?"

"THAT'S KFC!"

* * *

"Yes, but why did we swear never to talk?" Isane is still puzzled.

Renji held up a wanted poster. The image on the poster was a bunny wearing what looked like a fruit hat, underneath, it read, 'Renji Abarai'. He held up several more similar images, one corresponding to each member of the company.

"They actually used those things?"

"And you seriously want the entire Soul Society to know that we blew up an airport and then got bunny pictures for our wanted posters?"

* * *

"Uh…" Renji thought for a moment, "I swear on my tattoos that I will never breathe a word about this trip,"

* * *

"Hey Renji," Isane prodded him, "Why are your tattoos gone?"

* * *

"I swear on all things holy that I will not discuss this trip," Isane avowed.

* * *

"WHAT THE HELL? WHY ISN'T ANYTHING VANISHING FOR YOU?"

"Maybe we're lacking of holy things…"

* * *

"I swear on Chappy and Friends that I won't discuss this trip," Rukia informed the crew.

"Okay, that's the lamest thing to swear on ever," Renji informed her.

"Well? Do you want me to swear on your life then?" Rukia snapped back.

* * *

"Renji? Renji?" Isane looked around the room, "Where did you go? Oh, there you are," she smiles at Renji's prone body.

* * *

"I'll swear on Renji's life too, then," Kiyone deposited her Mac Book in the trash, "In other news, I've given up on lawsuits."

* * *

"ACK! Renji vanished again!"

* * *

_Isane: I think that takes the award for the lamest ending… right Renji? Renji? RENJI? You can stop acting now!_

_Renji: Sorry… anyways, what did Yachiru swear on?_

_Yachiru: Uh… I kinda think that you guys don't wanna know._

_Rukia: Yea, we don't. (Reverse psychology)_

_Yachiru: I swore on Bya-Bya's straightness._

_Rukia: Bya-Bya?_

_Yachiru: Sheesh Rukia, you don't even know your own brother's name…_

_Rukia: Oh, Byakuya-ni-sama… YOU WHAT?_

_Isane: Uh… that issue aside… We apologize for the delay in updates, but something called final exams is going on and other stories have been put on hiatus because of this, so expect slow updates… although this just took some extra time because it was originally slated to be a full-length meeting._

_Rukia: What does final exams have to do with us?_

_Isane: You're retaking them since you failed miserably._

_Rukia: … Why is everyone picking on my today?_

_Yachiru: Read and Review! Up next is another installment of HainekoLOVE! (because we got material)_


End file.

Bleach, Humor, Parody