Harry Potter 1. Chapter 1

**A/N: There is probably a variation of this story somewhere in the vast Harry Potter archives of … and all characters will be vastly OOC… but hey! Just having some fun here, folks. This fanfic will be co-written with boredenoughtowriteastory, as in we will switch authors with characters—me as Luna, bored as Snape.**

**Neither of us own Harry Potter nor any of the characters.**

**-LL—**

**[written on paper from misprinted issues of the **_**Quibbler**_** from about ten years ago, with "Luna Lovegood, Second Year Ravenclaw printed more or less neatly on the outside]**

Dear Professor Snape,

I am not quite sure if you remember me (the girl who warned you about Nargles in the first year Ravenclaw class-you were the only one of the professors who heeded my warning), but right now, Daddy and I are in absolutely dire need of your help.

You see, we were cleaning out the basement of our tower because Daddy thought that he had dropped a Dirigible Plum down there, and we were searching for it. Well, I don't rather think we found the plum, but Daddy did find a rather interesting looking potions book that had a recipe for some potion that claimed "attractione of that moste queere of beasts" as one of its effects. So naturally, Daddy and I knew that the book must be referring to the Crumple-Horned Snorkack, and we dropped everything to test it out (though we had to set Daddy's foot in a cast; the chest he was carrying landed on his foot. It's better now, I think.) Anyways, we made the potion exactly according to instructions, but it doesn't seem to work. I've looked all over for any sign of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack, but I can't find even a footprint or a snagged bit of fur.

Therefore, I am forced to come to an unpleasant conclusion. We must have made the potion wrong. Normally I would not be especially bothered by this, but this is the Crumple-Horned Snorkack! Daddy and I will find it. At all costs! AT ALL COSTS DO YOU HEAR M-

**[Writing became progressively bolder and angry looking, until quill seems to have pressed so hard it went through the parchment. Author continues, presumably with new quill.]**

Well, back to my main point. You see, we need to know where, exactly, this potion went wrong, and who better to tell us than a Potions Master? So, since you are the only Potions Master that I know—the others all seem to vanish as soon as Daddy walks into the room—so I am sending you this letter with the potions recipe in hopes that you will be able to find out why the potion did not work. Students get back to Hogwarts in about two weeks, so you can tell me what you have found out then, or if that is too inconvenient, then just send me a letter.

Sincerely,

Luna Lovegood

P.S. You are rather hard to contact, you know. But I think that you went a bit overkill with the privacy wards and concealment hexes. It took me days to find out how to work around them, and Mirror-eyed Furlops feed off of the emanations of anti-intrusion magic anyways (they cause all the magic done in their territory to go wonky. Just thought I'd mentioned it.)

P.S.S. Also, regarding the potion: Daddy seems to have grown several extra arms out of his neck as a result. Is this supposed to happen? They do seem to be rather helpful, as the upper-left-middle one cleaned up Daddy's workspace while he was asleep, but I thought you should like to know about this little side effect.

**-LL—**

**[Undisclosed location north of Hogwarts, by the sea]**

Severus Snape, Hogwarts Potions Master and Head of Slytherin House, was not often said to be Happy. For the record, he could not be said to be Cheerful, nor Kind, or any of those other things that people-who-are-not-Severus-Snape are. So, then, why on earth would Snape be doing something that closely resembled smiling while doing something that somewhat resembled curling up with a cup of tea and a thick book?

Well, simple.

Severus Snape had placed almost every privacy ward and anti-intrusion hex that he could think of around this little shack that he conveniently found for sale in a highly secluded hamlet north of Hogwarts. Which meant, for one night, there would be no far too inappropriately happy would-you-like-a-lemon-drop? Headmasters, no mwahahaha-I-will-take-over-the-world Dark Lords, and absolutely no incompetent students begging for is help on Potions summer homework.

Yes… Some time to himself, _finally_…

…

…

An owl? Seriously? This place had the Fidelius Charm on it, dammit!

**-LL—**

**So, like? No like?**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Alright, first things first. My **_**very very dear friend**_** boredenoughtowriteastory is not, apparently, bored enough to write a story…yet. So from here on out, I will just take all her notes on how she WAS to proceed and wreak merry havoc with that. Sorry about that.**

**EDIT 8/25/12:Nevermind, People! She's back!**

**A/N: Like my friend said we do not own any of the characters and they will probably be way OOC. To potentialparadox I just want to say that I am offended that you didn't call me your friend. Jk. Moving on, I just want to thank all of you who have read it so far. Anyway read on and hope you enjoy it. Review please!**

**We do not own Harry Potter or anything else that seems vaguely recognizable.**

**-SS—**

**[Written on paper that has obviously spent far too much time in a dark, damp dungeon. There is ****a slight tea stain in the bottom right hand corner (Wonder how that got there? It certainly couldn't have been because of that the bright pink owl? that appeared out of bloody nowhere and scared him halfway to America.)]**

**To Student Luna Lovegood, Ravenclaw**

Dear Ms. Lovegood,

How you ever convinced an owl to dye all of its feathers bright pink, I do not care to know. If you decide to send me anymore letters with this monstrosity, could you at least tell it to stop trying to claw my eyes out every time I call it a pink owl?

As to your letter itself, why on Earth did you and your father think it would be a good idea to test a potion that has not been verified? Have you not paid _any_ attention at all in class, or are you secretly one of those imbecilic Gryffindors in disguise? There is an excellent reason why other potion masters vanish as soon as you and your batshit insa- sorry, very _very_ wise and sensible father shows up. And the only bloody potions book that has that bloody stupid potion was outlawed because of the Resurrection Draught, with all surviving copies burned as soon as they are found. How in the name of Merlin do you have it? All those in possession of _Potiones Moste Unusual _are fined heavily, do you hear? If you had tried to make the Resurrection Draught, you would be thrown into Azkaban for the rest of your short, indescribably foolish life. This book was banned because most of the experiments were utter failures that caused massive fires or even bigger explosions. I don't know how on Earth you manage to get arms to grow out of your father's neck. Frankly, I don't want to know. That book should be burned as soon as possible. In fact, as the Potions Master of Hogwarts, I am _ordering_ you to burn this book. Failure to comply with my instructions will get you thrown out of Hogwarts.

The reason that your potion never actually worked is simple. It's basic composition suggests that was supposed to be a love potion, I believe. You might have added an extra ingredient or maybe forgotten an ingredient or stirred it with an oak spoon, not a willow one. I don't know and I don't care. Don't you dare try to experiment with this thing! I hope you remember from my class that you cannot substitute potion ingredients. Bad things happen to those who do. _Very, very bad things_. Another possible explanation is that one of your…Dirigible Plums? dropped into the cauldron by mistake. As I have never before encountered this plant and am unaware of its uses, I would not be able to tell you if you had, in fact, added one in. Frankly, the easiest explanation for your utter failure of a potion would be that you failed to make the potion exactly according to instructions. Poor effort, Ms. Lovegood.

On another note, your potion would never have attracted a Crumple-Horned Snorkack in the first place. You know why? Because they do not, in fact, exist. They never existed. Do you hear that? _The Crumple-Horned Snorkack does not exist._

As for your father…

I would suggest for that you take your father to St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies to get that… small problem taken care of. If not, then you can always just get a knife and ask your father to hold very still. That should take care of it too. If you decide on the second option, have a blood-replenishing potion on hand, as it could get quite messy. Mrs. Skower's All- Purpose Magical Mess Remover should prove sufficient for the blood stains. Also, if anybody asks, I didn't tell you that you could do this and was, in fact, strongly against it…

And please, the next time you feel the need to consult a potions master, find someone else. Anybody else. There was a reason why I set up all those spells, and a polite, well adjusted, sane person would have respected my privacy and left me alone. I was _hoping_ for two weeks of alone time before school started. So refrain from sending another letter or so help me you shall go down in history as the only Ravenclaw in Hogwarts history to ever get a "Troll" in class.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

**-SS—**

Luna was waiting by the window for Professor Snape's reply to her letter. When she heard the Wharfergle (NOT A PINK OWL) outside the window, she quickly opened the door and invited it in for tea. The Wharfergle (NOT A PINK OWL) politely declined and passed on its letter to Luna, waving(flapping?) her goodbye.

Luna opened the letter right where she stood and began reading it. Her eyebrows-electric blue today, wasn't Muggle hair dye awesome?- creased in concern. She closed up the scroll with a snap and stood there, thinking for a bit.

Well, this wouldn't do at all.

Professor Snape must have been infected by Nargles. Several of them. And since Luna was naturally a kind, caring person, she decided that, as the only one who knew anything about his condition, she must help him out.

Anybody else who could hear Luna's thoughts right now would know that Professor Snape was _doomed_.

But-

First things first-

Luna rummaged around in the kitchen for awhile, and finally stood up again- a bit dusty- with some supplies. Humming softly, she went off to find her father, with a Forever-Sharp charmed cleaver in her hand. This wouldn't hurt a bit.

Probably.

**-SS—**

'**Kay… All done! R&R, please!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Ah… Sorry about the wait, people. I just realized that I've doomed myself to an epic crack retelling of the entire fourth book and spent the last week or so trying and failing to get my ideas organized in some rational plotline. So, yeah… Chapter updates will probably be spotty, but never nonexistent. **

**By the way- I refer to Luna as a second year because she hasn't started her third year at Hogwarts. I do know that she is only one year or so younger than Harry. Also, the Daily Prophet reporter I use is not Rita Skeeter, because I have no idea how Skeeter would write an article about this.**

**This chapter will be kind of an interlude, because even though Luna is completely off her rocker, I still see her as Ravenclaw enough to care about her grades. What is Luna planning for Snape? Well, you'll just have to wait and find out- 'cause I don't know either!**

**-LL—**

**[**_**The Daily Prophet**_**, from August 23, 1994. If one looks at page 2A, There is a picture of one Ms. Luna Lovegood smiling dreamily at the camera and waving hello with bloodstained robes on. The overall effect is rather creepy.]**

**RAVENCLAW SECOND YEAR SAVES FATHER FROM DISATROUS POTIONS ACCIDENT!**

**By Emily Johnson**

! This past Sunday, the second year student Luna Lovegood was able to save her father, the known eccentric and publisher of the tabloid _Quibbler_, Xenophilius Lovegood, from a potions accident that had absolutely horrifying effects.

From what this reporter has been able to gather, Mr. Lovegood was trying to create a potion to attract a dangerous magical beast to his house so that he could capture it, without any regard for his safety or that of his daughter. The potion, naturally, went horribly wrong and caused all the skin on the back of his neck to disappear. Miss Luna Lovegood bravely tried to stop the bleeding and gave her father a Blood Replenishing potion while she contacted a responsible adult for further help. Mr. Lovegood is currently recovering in St. Mungo's while his daughter is staying in their home for the week before she leaves for Hogwarts. Mr. Lovegood was not allowed to make any comments by the medical wizards.

When Miss Luna's classmate, Padma Patil was asked to comment on this incident, she reportedly said:

"_Luna? Wow… I never would have expected that from her. She's… a bit of an odd one, to put it lightly. Err… Very quiet. And studious. Like, well, like a ."_

When asked for her view of the whole debacle, Miss Luna shrugged and replied, "Someone told me that that would be a valid option."

**-LL—**

**[Slightly battered journal with yellowed pages. On the inside cover is written **_**To Sev, With Love from Lily**_** in a feminine script.]**

Damn it. What the hell was I thinking?

Note: Get rid of all evidence of correspondence w/ Lovegood, prepare to deny everything. REDO WARDS! Hopefully she won't be that stupid. Speaking of Lovegood-

Reminder: research Dirigible Plums & uses in potions. Existence unlikely, but could be used in Blood Thinner, etc.

I need a therapist. On second thought, so does the Headmaster… and the students, ghosts, paintings, and pretty much every sentient object in Hogwarts.

Reminder: Mention extensive therapy to the Headmaster. Possible candidates?

**[Several names written down and crossed out too heavily to read]**

Never mind. All wizards/witches insane

Theory- Some just hide it better than others. Needs more research. Who's the sanest student at Hogwarts? Find out, run tests.

**-LL—**

**[A single piece of crumpled parchment that has a conversation in notes on it. Judging by handwriting, one of the correspondents is female and the other is male. Judging by the marks, carried by owls several times]**

Crow Moon- I need your help. It's rather important.

Gemini- Did you see the news? Is ol' Xeno alright?

Of course we'd help you! What do you need?

Crow Moon- I need your help with Professor Snape.

Gemini- I-

But-

You-

_WHAT?!_

Crow Moon- Is it my handwriting? The pixies say that my handwriting is alright, but I don't think they can read, so they may be wrong.

Gemini- No… It's just… Snape? As in Greasy Git Evil Potions Master Snape? What in the name of Merlin's pants are you doing with him? Is it going to be humiliating and mentally scarring? If it is: We. Are. In.

Crow Moon- Well, it's just that recently I've become concerned about the Professor's behavior. At first I believed that is was Nargles, but the mistletoe aren't in season yet. Therefore, he must have an Umgubular Slashkilter, which I want to try and get rid of. I don't know if it will be mentally scarring and/or humiliating. Here, you can see my plans on the enclosed page. Burn it when you are finished.

**[The rest of the parchment is slightly charred, and the writing is hard to read. One page is missing entirely, a rough approximation of all remaining text follows.]**

Crow Moon- So, will you …essor? If you do, don't forg …upplies.

Gemini- Of course we'd …_elp_ the git. Help you improvi… Nobody improvises as wel …easley.

Crow Moon- Thank you, see you… ool year. Carefu…igle infection in your…ard, I think. Best get rid of that.

**-LL—**

The residents of Ottery St. Catchpole are very, very hard to surprise.

Perhaps it came of being a rural town or something like that, but no Muggle even batted and eye when the Diggorys' boy (Very nice, and so polite too! Why, in my day…) was seen hopping around on a broomstick trying to make it fly. Or when the young Miss Fawcett (went to a boarding school in Scotland, I hear, and got full marks! _Very_ smart, very respectable family. In fact…) went tearing through the main street bawling her eyes out about something like "Queerditch" and "He promised!", well, all girls had been snubbed by a boy once. They got better.

And let's not forget the Weasley family, right by the hill. Rather odd lot, what with the so very out-of-touch father-even for a small village like this, which is saying something-and the elder brothers who, by the sound of it, read far too may boy's adventure stories in their spare time (Really, dragons, and ancient curses? What with one of them a wildlife ranger and the other a bank manager- _well_.) The younger brothers, the ones still in school (come to think of it, the same school that half of the young'uns from the town attended. What a coincidence!), were mostly alright-blasted twins, though, always playing pranks and blowing things up- and that young Ginevra was a sight for sore eyes, wasn't she?

Then there were the Lovegoods.

Perfectly nice, really. Lovely daughter, absolutely. Nobody knew them personally, of course. But they would appear in town from time to time, reassure everybody that they were still all alive( Did you hear about that incident last Sunday? That poor dear, stuck in that great big tower all alone until her father recovers!) and kicking. Bit odd, but frankly, all the Lovegoods had garnered quite a reputation. Nobody noticed them anymore. Frankly, nobody noticed any oddities in this town.

So when the grocer reported that young Lovegood had blown the roof of the tower in a pink explosion and a fisherman saw the Weasley twins training sparrows to attack on their command and somebody noticed those three approach the young Diggory with must have been a very surprising request-because, well, who would've expected such a big, strong boy like that to pass out in the middle of a conversation like that? Should have waited until the girl was finished speaking, at least.

It is very hard to surprise a resident of Ottery St. Catchpole. Hell, Luna hasn't managed it yet.

**-LL—**

**Digital cookies for anyone who can figure out who has the dialogue in the third section and why they chose their names!**


End file.

Harry Potter, Adventure, Humor