Bleach 1. Chapter 1

**AN: I don't own Bleach =( This story is another in my random series of unloved crack pairings! xD While I was writing it my friend somehow convinced me to turn it into a love story... So I'm trying, never done it before, so it won't be full on. Hope you like!**

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Ulquiorra gazed down at the ground rushing below his unnaturally speedy footsteps. It was due to this bizarre concern with the dirt beneath his feet that Ulquiorra, Fourth Espada and Aizen's most loyal servant, managed to crash into a human. And this was no ordinary human. This was Keigo.

"WAHH!!!"

Ulquiorra flinched at the loud yell.

"Out of my way trash." He muttered, not at all expecting that he would be heard.

"Hey, I'm not trash! And you crashed into me!! Watch where you're going you… you…. you…"

Ulquiorra glared as haughtily as he could from his awkward seat on the ground.

"What are you? Emo?" Keigo asked quite rudely.

Then he noticed that the strange looking thing was practically on top of him.

"WHAT THE HELL!!!!! GET OFF OF ME YOU GAY EMO THING!!!"

Ulquiorra was so shocked that he obeyed Keigo without question.

"Wait a minute!" Ulquiorra was feeling quite out of place in this bizarre situation.

"How dare you speak to me like that, you trash!" He struggled to his feet.

Keigo also stood, but unfortunately for Ulquiorra, he wasn't planning on running away anytime soon.

"WOW!" he exclaimed. "That's a cool helmet, but pretty useless, I mean, it's only half a helmet." He rapped his knuckles loudly on the remains of Ulquiorra's hollow mask.

"How does it stay on?" He asked incredulously.

Ulquiorra was at a loss for words. His normal haughty, I'm-so-much-better-than-you act seemed to be doing nothing in this situation, and this trash didn't seem to understand the concept of not touching other people's stuff. And while Ulquiorra's brain tried to catch up, Keigo had already moved on and was staring expectantly at Ulquiorra's face. It took a few moments for Ulquiorra to realise that Keigo was waiting for an answer to something.

"What?" He asked.

Keigo rolled his eyes.

"Man, you're so dumb, you might think you're smarter then me, it wouldn't be hard, but you're obviously not."

Ulquiorra rose to the challenge.

"Of course I'm smarter than you!" He exclaimed. "I'm also a lot more powerful then you, you trash, I could end your life in a heartbeat."

Keigo scoffed.

"Fat chance, I'm taller then you too!"

"What has that got to do with anything?"

"Alright, whatever, I'll try again; Why are you crying?"

Ulquiorra looked at him blankly.

"I'm not."

"Yeah you are, look"

Ulquiorra looked at him witheringly.

"I'm afraid I can't see my own face without a mirror."

Keigo shrugged and then decided to settle the mystery for himself. He looked closely at the 'tear stains' that ran down the emo kid's face, then traced on of them.

"Hey it's not wet!"

"Why did you think it would be? It's not like it's paint or anything."

"So… a tattoo then?"

"No."

Keigo was beyond confused.

"Then how's your face like that?? Are you deformed?"

It was at this point that Ulquiorra's brain caught up to his mouth. And he realised that the reason he had been going so fast to start with. He was late. And this useless conversation with this… trash… was wasting precious minutes. If he waited any longer then forgiveness for his late arrival would not be given.

Ulquiorra, with this in mind, took off without a word.

Keigo, with nothing in mind, freaked out and raced after the speedy emo.

It was only a minute, but it was enough. Ulquiorra snuck quietly into the Espada meeting, cursing Aizen's sudden desire to hold a meeting on the battlefield. His arrival would have gone unnoticed if not for the very loud footsteps and puffing of Keigo, who had somehow miraculously managed not to lose track of the fleeing Ulquiorra. Grimmjow grinned evilly at the fourth Espada.

"Brought company with you, eh Ulqui?"

Ulquiorra scowled. "Do not call me that Grimmjow."

Grimmjow laughed. "What cha gonna do _Ulqui_, go cry to mummy?"

"That's enough Grimmjow." Aizen's voice came calmly from the far end of the table.

"Ulquiorra, would you care to explain yourself?"

Ulquiorra did not want to explain himself, but no other option seemed to present itself to him. So he did his best, but his best was not enough.

That was how Ulquiorra ended up locked in a jail cell with Keigo.

"Why am I here?" Keigo wailed.

Ulquiorra shuddered and wondered for how much longer he could put up with this whinging, deafening trash.

"Will you please shut up!"

Keigo continued whining.

"How am I supposed to get to school tomorrow??! All my friends will think I've abandoned them!!!"

Ulquiorra rolled his eyes. '_This trash is so dramatic it's ridiculous…'_

Keigo spent the next hour wailing at the window.

Ulquiorra had never been in isolation before and had actually been curious about it. He was very annoyed that his isolation had actually turned into a real punishment. Suddenly Keigo turned to him.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!"

Ulquiorra looked up in surprise.

"Really? I believe you followed me here. That would make it your fault."

Keigo, finally surrendering to Ulquiorra's superior logic, went and sulked in a corner.

Ulquiorra thought nothing of it, glad that Keigo had finally shut up.

"How long do we stay locked up for?"

"A week."

Keigo was horrified.

"They feed us, don't they!? I'm not going to starve to death, am I?" He paused. "A week in here with you!!!"

Ulquiorra sighed. "I'm not _that _bad."

Keigo was still horrified and Ulquiorra suddenly realised that those in isolation usually weren't fed, seeing as the Arrancar that were punished in this way didn't actually need to eat.

"Hang on." He said.

Keigo watched him in suspicion as he walked over to the cell door.

"Hey, you trash!" He yelled into the corridor. The jailer, who for some reason was Nnoitra, came over in a rage.

"What?!" He hollered.

Calmly, Ulquiorra continued

"Does Aizen-sama intend to keep this human here for a whole week?" He asked.

"Yeah, why wouldn't he, that guy's an intruder."

"Does he plan to provide food?"

Nnoitra paused.

"I'll check… Hey, why do you care about that guy anyways? All he does is annoy you as far as I can see."

It was Ulquiorra's turn to pause, and he realised that he didn't know why he cared about the human. _'It's because he'll complain more if he's dying of hunger.' _He reasoned.

Later, as Keigo wolfed down some food that Aizen had kindly provided, Ulquiorra had discovered a very big issue. Or at least, he thought it was a big issue. There was only one, single bed. Of course this fact was completely understandable considering he was supposed to be in isolation, but there were two of them. Ulquiorra really didn't want to sleep on the floor, and he knew that without a doubt he could force the human to sleep on the floor, but for some very strange reason, Ulquiorra didn't want the human to have to suffer that.

'_What's wrong with me?' _He wondered.

"Hey you!" Keigo called suddenly, startling Ulquiorra.

"What?" He retorted.

"Gee, you don't have to get so uppity, I was only gonna ask you your name."

"What's it to you?"

"Well… I figured since I'm gonna be stuck with you for a week I should probably know your name so I don't have to say 'hey you' all the time."

Ulquiorra shrugged. "I think I'd rather you didn't talk to me at all."

Keigo then recalled that one of the other strange people had called the emo guy something… What was it…

"Ulqui?" He asked.

Ulquiorra froze.

"Do. Not. Call. Me. That." He hissed

Keigo backed away a bit.

"Alright, so what's your real name then?"

"…Ulquiorra Schiffer."

"Whoa, that's a really weird name."

"Really, and your's isn't."

"No."

"What is it?"

"Keigo Asano."

Ulquiorra had nothing more to say.

Hours later and Keigo had also become aware of the bed problem.

"We could take it in turns." Ulquiorra suggested. "You sleep now, and at night and I'll sleep during the day."

Keigo shook his head. "Then I won't be able to talk to you."

Ulquiorra sighed, that had been his plan.

"You could always squish in there together!" Nnoitra called through the bars, always wanting to have his opinion heard.

Keigo and Ulquiorra looked at each other.

"No way." Said Ulquiorra, looking away.

"It might work…" Keigo mused.

Ulquiorra's head snapped back around.

"WHAT?!" He asked incredulously.

Keigo looked at the floor awkwardly.

"It might be a bit warmer…" He said in a very small voice.

Ulquiorra didn't know what he was more horrified about; the idea or his sudden urge to take the boy up on his offer.

As it ended up, Ulquiorra's general horror at his own thoughts led him to sacrifice his own comfort and allow the boy to sleep in the bed. He soon discovered that the floor was absolutely freezing and that the warmest place in the cell was at the foot of the bed. Half-way through the night, Keigo woke up and sleepily looked around the room for his cellmate. He heard soft breathing from somewhere on the floor and sat up so he could investigate. He was surprised to see the emo guy curled up at the end of the bed in a ball. Keigo watched him for and bit and felt extremely guilty when he shivered. He searched around in a cupboard until he found another blanket. He was in the act of putting it over the sleeping figure when Ulquiorra awoke with a start.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU CREEP?!" He yelled.

Keigo stepped back. "Hey, relax, you looked cold, I was just…"

"You are in no position to feel sorry for me, trash!!"

"Yeah?! Well, fine, whatever, it's not like I really cared anyway!"

"GOOD!!"

Ulquiorra stood up and stalked to the other corner of the room. He found a random piece of chalk and drew a line down the middle of the room.

"You see this line?"

Keigo nodded.

"Don't cross this line, don't touch me, and don't feel sorry for me. Is that clear?"

Keigo nodded, and then put one foot over the line.

"What happens if I do this?" He asked.

Ulquiorra scowled and threw the chalk at him.

"Oh, I'm so scared!" Keigo scoffed. "Ooo, he's going to throw chalk at me. Oh no, run away!"

"Don't patronise me, you trash."

"Go cry, emo kid, no-one loves you."

Ulquiorra didn't know what to say, he had been lucky to get this far in a verbal argument. He would have found it much more convenient if he could kill Keigo and end the fight that way. Before he could rally a reply Keigo had already launched a new attack. He stepped completely over the line and walked straight towards Ulquiorra.

"Hey! What do you think your doing?"

Keigo, Ulquiorra decided, didn't understand the concept of personal space.

As Keigo advanced, Ulquiorra backed away, not at all comfortable with Keigo's blatant disregard for the chalk on the floor. Suddenly Ulquiorra's back hit the wall.

'_Oh crap.' _He thought. _'This isn't going to end well…'_

Keigo stopped with his face mere centimetres from Ulquiorra's.

"This bother you, does it?" He asked.

Ulquiorra nodded slightly.

Keigo took a step back, and then flicked Ulquiorra on the end of the nose.

"If you wanna sleep on that side of the room, then fine, but take some of these blankets, alright."

Keigo chucked a pile of blankets at Ulquiorra, who was too shocked to catch them and was hit in the face. He watched wide-eyed as Keigo slumped on the bed and went to sleep. Slowly he slumped to the floor and grabbed lightly at the blankets.

'_What the hell just happened?'_


	2. Chapter 2

Keigo awoke to discover that he had fallen, rather inelegantly, out of the narrow bed. He attempted to sit up and then immediately regretted it. He must have been in this awkward position for quite sometime and every movement he tried to make made his muscles scream in pain.

Meanwhile, Ulquiorra sleepily watched Keigo's attempts at movement in mild amusement.

"Having trouble?" He asked

Keigo froze, then glared at him.

"Shut up."

Ulquiorra chuckled slightly and stood and stretched. He wandered over to the cell door and discovered Keigo's breakfast. He picked it up and carried over to Keigo.

"Smells good, doesn't it?" He teased as he held the plate over Keigo's head.

Keigo gazed at the bottom of the plate longingly, then he decided to make one last effort to sit upright. He winced in pain, but managed. Ulquiorra then carried the plate over to a table.

"Hey! That's mean!" Keigo whined.

Ulquiorra shrugged.

"Teaches you not to fall out of bed." He replied.

For the rest of the morning, Keigo made it his mission not to speak to the horribly rude arrancar. Instead he began to devise an escape plan. Ulquiorra had been very grateful of Keigo's vow of silence, but eventually the frantic muttering and scribbling drew his curiosity.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

Keigo ignored him.

"Esacpe paln…" Ulquiorra was shocked. To think that this human would even consider an escape plan, let alone title it and spell it wrong!

"Shut up!" Keigo kicked out at Ulquiorra's shin. "It's not my fault I can't spell!"

In embarrassment he rubbed the letters out and tried again.

"Ecsape palm?" Ulquiorra was beginning to enjoy himself.

Keigo, on the other hand, was going very red.

"Epscae lamp."

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!!!" Keigo furiously rubbed out the chalk marks and started again, but before he wrote anything, a hand closed over his and guided him in writing the letters. They contrasted greatly to the rest of the writing on the floor, mostly because they were neat and spelt right.

"There." Ulquiorra said as he stood up. "Escape Plan."

Keigo looked up at the emo thing.

"Well, will you help me escape then?"

Ulquiorra stared at him blankly.

"No. I will correct your spelling, but I will not aid you in blatant disobedience."

"Pussy, you scared?"

Ulquiorra rolled his eyes at the boy's severe immaturity

"No, I am not scared."

Keigo sighed.

"Fine, I'll escape on my own…"

"You'll get caught."

"Not if you keep it quiet."

"You've got your plan written out on the floor! Even if I don't say anything they'll still find out."

Keigo scowled.

"I'll rub it out then."

"Won't you forget your plan if you do that."

Keigo had hit a dead end.

"Shut up." He said.

"You shut up." Ulquiorra retorted.

Three hours later and Ulquiorra had dozed off to the sound of Keigo's frantic scribbling. When he woke up he realised that the room was completely silent. Wearily he took a quick look around the room and discovered that the lack of noise was due to a total loss of Keigo. He rolled lazily off the bed and immediately fell head first into a massive pit in the floor.

'_What the -!?'_

He rubbed his head and peered down the tunnel that led off to the side of the main shaft.

"Wow" he murmured "That idiot actually managed to escape!"

With great agility non-befitting of his clothing, Ulquiorra climbed swiftly back up the wall of the pit. It wasn't long until Nnoitra came and stuck his nose through the grating.

"Hey," He said, "It seemed real quiet in here so I thought- HEY!! Where the hell's that kid gone?!"

Ulquiorra felt no need to reply since the answer was quite obvious.

"Oi, Ulquiorra, I'm talking to you. Where'd he go?"

Ulquiorra pointed at the hole in the floor.

"How'd he do that?" Nnoitra asked.

Ulquiorra shrugged.

"Beats me," he replied. "I was asleep when he did it."

Nnoitra stared at the hole. He went to unlock the door to investigate further when Szayel appeared.

"Looking for this?" He asked holding up a filthy Keigo.

Ulquiorra grinned at the boy's short –lived freedom. Keigo found himself flying into the cell and would have hit the wall had Ulquiorra not caught him.

"Thanks." He said, completely unaware of the awkward position he was in.

Ulquiorra, for the first time, was also seemingly unaware of any awkwardness.

"You are quite welcome."

Keigo looked at him quizzically.

"_Quite _welcome?? Who says _quite _anymore?"

Ulquiorra dropped unceremoniously on the floor.

"If you're going to insult me, I won't be nice to you anymore!"

"You make it sound like a threat; maybe I don't want you to be nice to me!! Ever consider that, Mr _quite _stupid."

So, for the next hour or so Nnoitra was soothed by the loud yelling and insults coming from within the cell. He amused himself by interjecting every now and then with comments like "You fight like a married couple!" Which the inmates would then frantically deny.

"As if I would even consider being married to something like _him!"_ Keigo wailed on one such occasion.

"What's that supposed to mean!" Ulquiorra yelled.

"What, you're not even human!"

And that was all it took to start them fighting again. Eventually Nnoitra fell asleep to the constant noise, and was not noticed again until several hours later.

Aizen slipped silently down the stairs towards the cells under Hueco Mundo. He rounded the corner to discover complete silence, except for a sleeping Nnoitra. He came and stood in front of the useless guard and stared at him angrily. It did not take long before Nnoitra woke up.

"Huh?- Oh! Aizen-sama… Nice to see you." He mumbled sleepily.

"You were sleeping." Aizen said tersely. "The prisoners could have escaped **again…**"

Nnoitra gulped. "You know, I'm sure their just sleeping, you know, um… tired out from all their arguing…"

Aizen's frown deepened. "You had better hope so. Open the door."

Nnoitra jumped up and got out his keys. He fumbled at the lock for a bit and tried to get a glance through the grating to make sure the prisoners were there. He gulped as the door swung open and frantically scanned the room for his prisoners.

"Huh." Said Aizen.

Nnoitra was also surprised, but in a more pleasant way then Aizen. On the far side of the room Ulquiorra looked like he had been pushed over onto the bed and hadn't bothered getting up. This wasn't that surprising to Nnoitra, who had known for a while that Ulquiorra was really quite lazy, it was Keigo, however, that had surprised them all. He was lying curled up in a ball on the end of the bed using Ulquiorra's foot as a pillow.

"That had got to be uncomfortable." Nnoitra commented. "Ulquiorra's got no meat on 'im, he's all sticky and-"

"Shut up," said Aizen as he shut the door. "You're lucky they didn't escape again. Do not let me catch you sleeping again."

Nnoitra nodded and waited until he could no longer hear Aizen's footsteps, then he blew a raspberry and started calling Aizen terrible-things-that-shall-not-be-repeated-here.

Meanwhile… Grimmjow was stalking the halls of Hueco Mundo in boredom. Since Ulquiorra had been jailed he had had no-one to annoy, which was really pissing him off. He had tried to convince Aizen to give Nnoitra a break and let him take over guard duty, but Aizen had been in a bad mood and bashed him over the head. Night was technically falling sometime soon, so he decided to sneak down into the dungeon and annoy Ulquiorra through the bars in the door. When he rounded the corner, he saw Nnoitra sleeping on the floor.

"Perfect!" he chuckled and tiptoed up to the cell door.

"_Ulqui~!" _He called softly.

Inside the cell, Ulquiorra woke up from his nap, and would have punched Grimmjow in the face had there not been bars on the door and a boy on his foot. So instead he remained silent.

"Ulqui~!" Grimmjow called again.

"Come on _Ulqui~,"_ He tapped on the bars. "Are you sleepy? Gonna go nighty-nights? Or are you too busy crying in you're emo corner?" He waited for a reply, and was quite annoyed when Ulquiorra still didn't say anything.

"Oi, Ulqui! I'm talking to you!"

"Go away Grimmjow."

"No!"

Keigo looked up sleepily. "Hmmn… What's going on?"

Grimmjow seized his chance.

"Hey _Ulqui~! _What's that I hear, are you sleeping with a **boy!?**"

This comment caused such a loud response from both prisoners that Nnoitra woke up. He grabbed Grimmjow by the collar and heaved him off the ground.

"Thought you weren't allowed down here?" He snarled

Grimmjow's legs kicked pathetically at the air.

"I was bored he whined.

"Well, well, what's this we got 'ere, ay?" The Espada outside the cell turned and looked into the smiling face of Ichimaru Gin. At least, Nnoitra turned, Grimmjow sort of swung aimlessly through the air.

"Nnoitra… tsk, tsk… Sleep'n on duty again, and Grimm… Torturing prisoners, hardly sporting is it?"

Faced with the two worried faces of his underlings, Gin's smile widened.

"I rekon I should lock you two in there as well, teach y'all a lesson."

Grimmjow was shocked.

"It's supposed to be solitary confinement in there!"

Gin nodded. "Yar, but y'all hate each other; it'll be more punishing for ya if you're all together."

Gin reasoning was flawless, even if his grammar wasn't. It wasn't long before Aizen had approved Gin's plan and Ulquiorra and Keigo found themselves with two new roommates.

The four occupants stared at each other in hostility.

Suddenly Keigo broke eye contact.

"Dibs the bed!!" He yelled.


	3. Chapter 3

'_tok'_

'_tok'_

'_tok'_

'_tok'_

"WILL YOU STOP THAT!?"

Grimmjow looked up sulkily as Nnoitra stood fuming. He threw the ball against the wall in his final act of defiance.

'_tok'_

"GAHH!!!!" Nnoitra leapt at the seated Espada, knocking him over, sending the two of them sprawling across the floor.

Ulquiorra glanced up from his seat on the bed. Keigo was laying next to him the strangest position he had seen in a long time, his head hanging off the bed so he could survey the room upside-down.

"You know what…" He said, his eyes following the rolling shapes of his other two cell-mates.

"What?"

"I think I liked it better when it was just the two of us."

Ulquiorra glanced down at the boy and was hit in the head by Grimmjow's toy.

He glared at the two fighters.

"You know what."

"What?" Keigo asked, hauling himself upright.

"I think I agree with you."

Keigo grinned broadly at him, startling a slight blush out of Ulquiorra.

'_tok'_

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!"

Gin stood outside the cell door and listened in bemusement to the ruckus within the cell.

"_Hmm… This is going way better than I expected!"_

His smiling face gave nothing away as he stood on guard duty.

"Though I'm beginning to understand Nnoitra's sleeping tendencies. Man, this is boring!"

"WHAT!!" Nnoitra's voice again filled the small space.

"If you insist at yelling all the time, I'm afraid we will have to tape your mouth shut." Ulquiorra's blank stare did nothing to improve the situation.

Grimmjow was also scowling.

"Like hell I'm gonna just let you have the bed!"

"But I called it!" Keigo whined.

"Yeah, but we're bigger 'an you."

Nnoitra and Grimmjow were more then prepared to kill the boy, but Ulquiorra felt like he should have his say.

"Oh, so you two want to share, do you?" he asked nonchalantly.

Nnoitra froze and looked absolutely horrified.

"LIKE HELL!!!"

"Well, if you both want the bed, you would have to share, wouldn't you?"

Grimmjow shuddered.

"Never mind, I'll take the floor."

Ulquiorra smiled, but only for an instant.

"Hey! You smiled!" Keigo exclaimed.

"So?"

"Hey, _Ulqui!" _Grimmjow called out, keen to get revenge for his defeat.

"What do you want, trash?"

"Where are you gonna sleep? Hmm~?"

Ulquiorra shrugged.

"I don't particularly care, as long as it's as far away as I can possibly get from you."

"Huh? Why, what's wrong with me?"

"The question would be more appropriate put 'What _isn't _wrong with you."

It took Grimmjow a moment to process this.

"WHY YOU LITTLE!"

He leapt across the room and tackled Ulquiorra to the ground. Having recovered after the initial shock, Ulquiorra gave as good as he got, and the two were soon bruised and bloodied.

"Lucky this room doesn't let them use their full power." Nnoitra commented dryly as he tried to push Keigo off the bed.

Keigo roughly kicked him in the stomach.

"Back off, Spoon-head!"

"SPOON-HEAD!?!" Nnoitra roared.

"Yeah! Spoon-head!" Keigo retorted.

Nnoitra prepared himself to attack, but suddenly found himself flying backwards into Grimmjow.

"Hah!" Ulquiorra proclaimed as his foes tumbled to the floor.

"I'll give you 'hah'!" Grimmjow growled as he yanked Ulquiorra to the floor.

It was several hours later and Keigo's dinner time before Gin took notice of the activity within the cell. He lazily opened the door and carried the dish to a table. He stepped over one of Nnoitra's leg and instantly regretted it as the leg flung out and caught him neatly on the shin. He took stock of the situation. The three Espada were fighting tooth and nail on the floor and at least one of them had lost substantial amounts of blood. Keigo was sitting on the bed watching the fight with a bemused look on his face.

"What's goin on 'ere then?"

Keigo took his food from Gin gratefully.

"Dunno." He replied around a mouthful of food. "I guess they don't like each other much."

Gin chuckled.

"You can say that again."

"I guess they-"

"Not literarily, ya stupid human!"

Keigo looked abashed.

"Sorry."

Gin walked out the room shaking his head. Who knew they'd react this well! He snickered to himself.

"They'll sleep well tonight."

Keigo had long since drifted off to sleep before the fighters finally broke up. The results of their scuffle were relatively minor; considering they could have easily killed each other. Ulquiorra had several gashes on his face which were quickly fixed. The other two, however, were not so lucky. Grimmjow had a black eye to accompany swelling wrist. Nnoitra's injury was slightly more obvious, and less fixable. When he opened his mouth almost all of his front teeth were missing, completely knocked out of his mouth.

"Oww…" Grimmjow complained rubbing his foot. "I think I have one of your teeth in my heel!"

Nnoitra took one look at himself in Keigo's water dish and fainted.

Ulquiorra inspected his fist lazily.

"Hmm…" He murmured. "I appear to have teeth growing out of my hand…"

He went to pull one out of his hand when Grimmjow yowled.

"Aaah!!!"

"What did you do, trash?"

Grimmjow sobbed as blood started pouring out of his foot.

"It hurts!"

"What did you do?!"

"I…I just pulled out Nnoitra's frikken tooth out of my frikken foot and-"

Nnoitra's leg jerked at the mention of his name, solidly hitting the bottom of Grimmjow's foot.

"YEEOOWWW!!!!"

Ulquiorra chuckled at Grimmjow's pain, and then realised that probably much the same would happen to him if he tried to remove the objects lodged in his skin. He uncurled his fist to push himself off the floor.

"ssshhh….sugar-honey-iced-tea…"

Grimmjow snickered.

"Shut up trash." Ulquiorra snapped.

"Eh? What's wrong?" Keigo had woken up and was sleepily surveying the situation.

Ulquiorra scrambled to his feet unsteadily.

"Nothing, I'm fine."

But Keigo didn't believe him, especially since he could see that Ulquiorra was in pain, no matter how well he masked it. He grabbed at his cellmate's injured hand.

"Eh? You have teeth in your hand!"

Ulquiorra shrugged.

"That's no good! Sit, sit!" He pulled the arrancar onto the bed.

"You just wait; I'll fix your hand very quick! Okay?"

Ulquiorra was horrified.

"No, it's alright, I'm fine really!"

His protests, however, were to no avail. Keigo had secure possession of his hand and showed no sign of giving it back any time soon. Ulquiorra resigned himself to his fate, and hoped that his regeneration skills would be enough to fix the mess that the idiot would undoubtedly make of his hand. He sat in anticipation not daring to look.

"All done~!"

"Eh?"

He whipped his head around to see what had happened. Keigo sat holding 5 of Nnoitra's teeth in his hand, and Ulquiorra's hand had not even a scratch on it.

"H-how did you do that?!"

"Do what?"

Ulquiorra pointed to Grimmjow.

"Look what happened to him when he took _one_ tooth out of him! How come I'm not bleeding?!"

Keigo chose that moment as the one time during his entire captivity that he would remain mysteriously silent. Instead of answering the question, he merely grinned and went to sleep.

"What's with that kid?" Grimmjow complained noisily.

"All he ever does is sleep!"

"I know… How anyone could sleep so much is quite strange…"

"Shut up Ulquiorra, no-one asked for your _professional opinion_."

Ulquiorra glared at him, but was too tired to bother to retaliate. Instead he closed his eyes and tried to sleep where he was.

"Oooh~! Ulqui's sleepin' with the trash!"  
Ulquiorra's only response was to roll over so that his back was to Keigo. He almost drifted off when he was startled by something hitting his side. Keigo in his sleep had rolled over, almost on top of him, and was treating him like a teddy bear.

'_W-what should I do?' _He wondered nervously.

Grimmjow made no comment, presumably because he was asleep, so Ulquiorra let it go and succumbed to sleep's clutches.

* * *

**AN: Obviously I don't own bleach. This chapter was fun to write! I hope you like it... I don't really know where it's going, so it should be interesting.  
Until next time xD**


	4. Chapter 4

The morning dawned bright and cheerful. The birds were chirping in innocent delight at the new day's first light. Ever now and then a car rolled past carrying its passengers to their early morning destinations. Slowly the bright orb that humans dubbed "the sun" rose higher into the air. A dog barked at a passing school student and a cat lay out on a wall to bask. It was quite honestly a beautiful day. It was a day on which you would hate to get on detention. But unfortunately for one Ichigo Kurosaki his usual alarm clock was locked up in a solitary confinement cell with three cold-blooded killers. Lazily he stretched and glanced over at the clock on his wall.

"Shoot!!" He leapt out of bed and started his speed dressing-packing-eating-and running out the door trick.

"Bye Ichigo!" Yuzu called cheerfully.

Meanwhile Ichigo sprinted his way to school, quietly cursing Keigo for being mysteriously absent.

And Keigo was also cursing. But not so quietly. He had woken up to find himself half on top of the annoying emo kid, and had completely freaked. Now he found himself hanging upside-down, held in the air by two very disgruntled Espada.

"What's the big deal, trash?" Ulquiorra snapped

"I…I'm sorry…I didn't mean to wake anyone up…"

"Didn't _mean to_?!" Nnoitra hollered in the unfortunate boy's ear.

"Yeah!" Grimmjow punched Keigo in the stomach, which he could do since Keigo didn't have enough legs for them all to hold.

"What did you think was going to happen if you yelled in my ear!?"

Keigo looked as sheepish as someone defying gravity could.

"I'm really sorry…"

His stomach lurched as Nnoitra let go of his leg.

"Yeah, well, now I'm gonna be pissed off all day cos I didn't get enough sleep." Grimmjow kicked a wall angrily.

"I think you'll find that you're _always_ pissed off Grimmjow." Ulquiorra commented dryly as he dumped Keigo on the bed. Grimmjow growled.

"Why you favouring the kid?" He asked, "Nnoitra was happy to drop him, why didn't you."

Ulquiorra looked witheringly at his inferior.

"Obviously if I did that he would lose all the limited mental capacity that he has, and he would be just like you. I couldn't stand another thing like you being in this cell."

Nnoitra chuckled and Grimmjow immediately took this opportunity to try and start a fight.

"Why don't you go back to sleep?" Keigo ventured timidly.

Grimmjow stared at him. Then shrugged.

"I'm up now, aren't I?"

Nnoitra went and banged angrily on the cell door.

"Hello, I've well and truly learnt my lesson… Can I come out yet?"

The other side of the door was silent. Then Stark's face filled up the small window in the door.

"What the-" Nnoitra jerked away from the door and fell over Grimmjow's nicely placed foot.

"He's asleep." Keigo commented.

The three Espada looked at each other.

"Crap!!"

"Quick, wake him up!"

"We can't fit someone else in here!"

"Kid! Come over here!"

"Grimmjow, what are you doing? Get your foot off me!"

"ARGH!! Aizen's coming!!"

Keigo watched the chaos in bemusement.

"What's going on?"

Aizen walked calmly down the corridor to check up on his prisoners. He had noticed a significant improvement in the noise level of his castle now that he had locked up numbers 4, 5 and 6… Especially 5 and 6. He had placed his best Espada on guard duty while Ichimaru had a break. However, when he heard the ruckus that was going on down the hall, he decided that it had probably not been a good idea.

The unfortunate Espada within the cell had, at the last minute, succeeded in waking Stark up. Confused and sleepy, he promptly proceeded to obliterate the cell door in revenge for being woken. This was when Aizen chose to show up.

"What is the meaning of this?!" He hollered.

The silence which followed would have put a mouse to shame. The last door hinge finally gave way and the door toppled to the ground and the four ashen faced Espada prepared to be severely punished. Keigo sat on the bed in the cell and suppressed the urge to burst out laughing. Grimmjow, who had been closest to the door when it fell, suddenly found a cloud of sawdust wafting into his face. He started sneezing, but Aizen's icy glare was more then enough to cause him to ignore his itching nose.

"Well Stark… would you care to explain?"

Stark shook his head.

Aizen sighed. "I'm very disappointed in you boys." He began, "Stark, you especially, I thought I could trust you to look after these trouble makers, but instead you cause the most trouble of all of them."

The Espada looked everywhere but Aizen's face.

"Now… I notice that this confinement cell is a bit crowded, so luckily for you…"

The original inhabitants of the cell sighed in relief that another would not be added to their number.

"Luckily for you" Aizen continued in a louder voice "I have instructed Szayel to construct a second confinement cell!"

Keigo, who had been suitably lost for quite a while now, decided to speak up.

"Can I go home yet?"

Aizen considered this.

"Yes!" He decided. "I will send Szayel to escort you home shortly."

Keigo brightened up considerably.

"How do you think we should split these four up then?"

"Huh?"

Aizen grinned evilly.

"Solitary confinement is quite obviously no punishment for any of these rebels. In your personal opinion which pairings do you think would irk each other most?"

Keigo stood and surveyed the group.

"I think the emo hates the cat the most, so the spoon and the random guy can hang out by default!"

Ulquiorra narrowed his eyes.

"What do you think you're saying, trash!? I stood up for you in there and _this _is how you repay me!?"

Keigo started guiltily.

"Um, you know, on second thoughts… I definitely think the spoon and the cat hate each other even more, you know they spent hours bashing each other up the other day and-"

"Silence!" Aizen commanded "It's too late for a second opinion! Szayel, come and escort this child home."

Szayel appeared in a puff of pink sparkles.

Keigo stared in horror.

"It's…it's so…_gay!!"_

Szayel somehow managed to smile offendedly.

"How awfully rude!"

"Shut up and get rid of him!" Aizen snapped.

And that was how Keigo found himself standing on the side of a road looking bemusedly at the sky and wondering if he'd ever see that emo thing again.

"Hey! Keigo!"

Keigo turned around and came face to face with one of his best friends.

"Oh…hi Ichigo…"

"Where have you been?!" Ichigo was worried by Keigo's face…he looked so…lost.

Keigo looked in vain at the sky.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." He murmured.

Ichigo was horrified. Keigo never _murmured!!_

"Come on, try me." He said, escorting his friend down the road towards his home.

Ulquiorra was having it tough. Since the human had left he had suddenly discovered just how annoying Grimmjow could be when he was tired and bored. It was a deadly combination. Apart from mindless physical violence, Grimmjow seemed to delight in making rude and snide comments about Keigo. He seemed to think it would bother Ulquiorra. There was one instance when Ulquiorra was tempted to stoop to the trash's level and fight him, but reasoned that the more they fought, the longer it would take before he could leave. He could tell that Nnoitra and Stark were getting along well next door, as he could hear nothing but snoring. Grimmjow, however, could not be persuaded to leave Ulquiorra alone.

"Oi! Emo cheeks! Come over here!"

Ulquiorra sighed.

"Shut up Grimmjow."

Grimmjow shrugged.

"Whatever, I just thought that you'd want to escape, that's all…" His voice trailed away as he grinned at Ulquiorra's immediate appearance next to him.

"Escape?"

Grimmjow nodded.

"Tell me more."


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: I know I've been **_**really **_**slow writing this chapter… But it's done now, and I hope you like :)**

**Ps. I don't own Bleach.**

Ulquiorra was not a happy camper.

That is not to say that under different circumstances Ulquiorra would have been a happy camper, as we all know that Ulquiorra is the King Emo. But no… Ulquiorra was definitely less then pleased with this turn of events. Everything had been fine and dandy until Grimmjow had opened his big, fat mouth and come up with a plan worse then Keigo's had been. Although he had at least known how to spell it. Grimmjow's plan had sounded conceivable when they were trapped in the cell together and Ulquiorra was desperate to get out. But know that he had become trapped twenty feet underneath Las Noches with Grimmjow's ass in his face; Ulquiorra was beginning to wish he had stayed behind.

"Stop breathing, dammit, Ulquiorra, do you have any idea how weird you breathing on my butt feels?!"

"Shut it, Grimmjow. I don't care how weird you think it feels, but it absolutely reeks down here and if you don't think of a way out of here, I swear I will cero your ass."

Grimmjow growled and scrabbled wildly at the roof of the tunnel they were in. Dust fell and blinded him momentarily. After another few attempts at digging out, he finally gave in to his urges and blasted his way out through the white, suffocating dust.

"You're extremely lucky nobody heard that." Ulquiorra commented dryly as he dusted himself off.

Grimmjow shrugged.

"Hey you don't look any paler than normal… you're such a freak." Grimmjow had again reverted to mindless insults. Ulquiorra had had more then enough of Grimmjow's childish-ness. He began to walk.

"Hey! Where do you think you're going?"

Ulquiorra ignored him. Grimmjow ran and caught up.

"If you're going to try and visit your little boyfriend, I'd forget it. If Aizen found out that you went to the human world without permission you might get demoted." He snickered. "How dreadful for you _Ulqui_, wouldn't it just be awful not to Aizen-_sama's _little favourite anymore." Grimmjow was enjoying his little tirade far too much. Ulquiorra looked at the lower ranked Espada witheringly.

"What I do is none of your, or Aizen's, business." He felt by saying that he was betraying his master, but if Aizen hadn't locked him up with this creep in the first place then everything would have been fine. He opened a garganta and stepped through.

"Goodbye Grimmjow."

Ichigo couldn't believe his ears. He'd heard of tall tales, but this was just insane.

"You seriously want me to believe that these last couple of days you've been in Las Noches, with the Espada and Aizen and you didn't die?"

Keigo sighed.

"I told you that you wouldn't believe me." He replied. He looked lazily out the window and remained silent until Ichigo spoke again.

"Hang on, are you really Keigo, only, the guy I knew was sort of a lot louder and more obnoxious then you. What did you do to him?"

Keigo yawned and went to sleep as a sort of reply.

"Keigo!" Ichigo shook his friend. But it was to no avail.

'_Maybe Keigo was telling the truth…" _ Ichigo mused. _'But they did something to him, like maybe they drugged him, and sent him home as a spy…" _Ichigo's mind was working as hard as it could, and so he did not notice the approach of another being.

Ulquiorra was quite glad that Ichigo had not noticed him yet. He had tried to conceal his spirit pressure as best he could and it appeared that it had worked. He had somehow managed to work his way up to the front lawn of Ichigo's house. He was surprised to discover that Keigo knew Ichigo. He was even more surprised to discover him in Ichigo's house. He ran across the street and settled into a tree to wait for Keigo to emerge.

'_He can't stay in there forever.'_ He reasoned.

However, Ichigo had other ideas. Convinced that something was terribly wrong with Keigo he had gotten him admitted into the hospital downstairs and was not going to let him go until he was better. Keigo had woken up and was now complaining. Ichigo saw this as a very good sign.

"Ichigo? What have you done?! Why am I here?"

Ichigo peeped his head around the curtain.

"Shush, Keigo, you're sick, so we're keeping you here until you're better."

"I'm not sick! Ichigo there's nothing wrong with me!"

"There has to be, you're acting weird and the arrancar didn't kill you!"

"Oh! So it would be okay if they did kill me, would it? Some friend you are."

Ichigo growled.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it, Keigo."

Keigo feigned offended silence.

"Come on Keigo, it'll be alright, just hang in there 'til you're better."

With that comment he disappeared. Keigo heard the front door close and lock. He glanced at a clock on the wall. It was late, almost midnight.

"Damn, how'd I manage to sleep that long?" He sat up in the bed and tried to walk around, but discovered that his arm had been fastened to the side of the bed with a pair of handcuffs. He sighed. For some reason his predicament again reminded him of the emo thing. Apparently he should be dead by now. Thinking back on his slightly-less-than-a-week of imprisonment, he was also surprised that he had gotten out alive. He tugged on the bed experimentally, but it wouldn't budge. He was starting to get frustrated. He was hungry, wide awake, everything reminded him of the emo thing, and now, to top it all off, his best friend thought he was crazy. What a week.

Ulquiorra noticed that it had gotten dark. It had been dark for some time now. He was beginning to wonder why Keigo hadn't left the Kurosaki's home yet. One by one the lights in the town went off. He felt the spiritual pressure of the inhabitants of the town slowly dull as they fell asleep. Soon, only one other reitsu in Ulquiorra's immediate surroundings was sharp with consciousness. It was Keigo. Swiftly and silently Ulquiorra stalked up to the house. He paused at the door and tested the handle. It was locked, but he wasn't going to let that stop him. He wasn't sure why he wanted to see the human again. It made no sense. But he was going to anyway. It didn't take much to destroy the door knob, and as soon as he had done that, he was in.

The silence in the building reminded him of the white halls of Las Noches. He soon discovered the hospital wing. He sped past curtain after curtain until he came to the end of the row. Just near him, behind the last curtain he could fell Keigo's spirit.

Keigo heard swift footsteps coming down the hall. As he was considerably less adept then Ulquiorra at sensing reitsu, he assumed it was Ichigo, but wasn't sure why he would be sneaking around his own home.

"Who's there?" He whispered. Then the intruder's shadow, cast by the light of a lamp, fell on the curtain surrounding him.

"Ulquiorra?!" He choked out. "What on earth are you doing here?"

Ulquiorra, having been discovered, slipped through the curtain and stood facing the human feeling rather awkward.

"Well… I escaped from Las Noches and having nothing better to do… came and found you…"

Keigo was impressed.

"You actually escaped? I thought you were too much of a goody-two-shoes for escaping."

Ulquiorra sighed.

"Well, obviously it wasn't my idea."

Keigo snickered.

"So, you owe one to the Kitty-Kat, do you?" He asked nonchalantly.

Ulquiorra scowled. "I most definitely do not owe anything to that infidel."

"Of course not."

"So Keigo, why are you still here?"

Keigo glanced around. "What do you mean by that?"

Ulquiorra shrugged. "I saw you come in here earlier in the day, I was wondering why you hadn't gone home yet?"

Keigo was about to reply when he realised that the emo thing had been stalking him.

"You've been stalking me!" He exclaimed loudly.

Upstairs, a light clicked on. Ulquiorra frantically shushed Keigo as he felt Ichigo's reitsu stirring.

Keigo lifted his arm as high as he could. The chain glinted evilly in the dim light.

"This is why I haven't left. Ichigo thinks I'm crazy."

"Hey Dad, did you leave the door open?"

Ichigo's voice came ominously from down the hall. Somewhere upstairs Isshin replied and Ichigo discovered that the handle was broken. He also noticed a very well concealed, yet eerily familiar reitsu.

"Espada…" He hissed and took off down the hall.

Back with Keigo and Ulquiorra, Keigo was facing an ultimatum.

"Come with me now, or get stuck here with Ichigo. That's your choice Keigo."  
"What!? Why can't you stay here?"

"Are you crazy? Ichigo's going to try and kill me! I have to go, I can't be caught here."

Keigo hissed in frustration.

"Fine, I'll go with you, but how? I'm tied to the-"

His query was solved in a flash of Ulquiorra's sword. The chain clinked as it was released of its upright position.

"We'll get the rest off later." He said and darted from the curtain. Without a word Keigo followed him. They raced out the back and into an alleyway behind Ichigo's house. They left behind them the back door swinging wildly and yet another broken door handle.

Ichigo charged down the hall. As he reached Keigo's bed, he noticed the curtain was ruffled. He threw aside the curtain and was stunned to find Keigo gone and the chain that had held him there sliced through. He felt a breeze on his face and ran to the back door. There he discovered another destroyed lock and the back door wide open.

"They kidnapped Keigo…" He whispered in shock.

"This is all my fault…"

What he failed to realise was that Keigo probably would have been 'kidnapped' wether or not Ichigo had been holding him prisoner. He was also unaware that presently Keigo was sitting on someone's roof only two blocks away and was having great trouble trying to get the remains of his handcuff off of his wrist.

"Ow! Stop it! That hurts!"

"Well, if you would just stay still…"

"What! I'm not gonna stay still with that thing waving around me!"

"It's not waving and-"

"Ah! You almost cut me!"

"I did **not**! If you would stay still it would be off by now!"

The occupants of the house below them woke and with weapons in hand, approached their roof.

Ulquiorra and Keigo froze. Ulquiorra realised that Keigo was finally holding still and took the opportunity to slice through the metal encasing Keigo's wrist.

"Let's go." He hissed as Keigo came out of his shocked state.

As Ulquiorra made his silent way across the rooftops, he couldn't help but flinch at the seemingly deafening amount of noise that the human was making. Finally he could take it no more.

"Why are you so noisy?" He snapped.

Keigo looked at him in surprise.

"Well, I'm sorry, but I guess-"

He was cut off as Ulquiorra roughly pushed him into a wall and covered his mouth with his hand. The familiar reitsu of Grimmjow had entered the human world a while ago, it hadn't bothered Ulquiorra until Aizen's had followed. Futilely he tried to hide in the shadow of an alleyway.

Keigo meanwhile was almost suffocating. When Ulquiorra finally released him, he felt tempted to yell, but considering how they were standing, and his thoughts that were infected by action/romance stories, he decided it would be safer to be as quiet as possible.

"What's going on?" He hissed.

It took all of 3 seconds for his question to be answered. And not by the one he had asked either.

"Hey Ulqui~!" Came a sing-song voice that Keigo couldn't help but recognise. Ulquiorra quickly and awkwardly let go of Keigo, pushing him further back into the alley and out of sight. Grimmjow peered past the shorter Espada but failed to see anything in the gloom.

"What cha doin, Ulqui?" He asked tauntingly. "Hope you weren't making out with your little boyfriend, eh?" He sneered as Ulquiorra struggled to keep his cool.

"Aizen's not happy with your little stunt, you know. He wanted me to track you down for him… Isn't that nice?"

Ulquiorra scowled, and it only deepened when Aizen appeared behind Grimmjow.

"Ah… Ulquiorra, feeling rebellious were we?"

Indignantly he pointed a finger at Grimmjow.

"Yeah, well, I bet he didn't tell you that it was his idea to escape, did he?"

Aizen turned to catch Grimmjow slinking away guiltily. HE turned around again to face Ulquiorra.

"No, he didn't, but are you going to try and tell me that it wasn't your idea to come and have a little joy trip in the human world, hmm?"

Ulquiorra hung his head.

"I apologise Aizen-sama."

Grimmjow laughed.

"That's not going to do you any good now, Ulquiorra."

"Silence, Sexta. I'll get to you in a minute."

Grimmjow paled and rubbed his shoulder nervously. Meanwhile, Ulquiorra had taken advantage of Aizen's momentary distraction and had grabbed Keigo and bolted.

Aizen scowled.

"What have you done to Ulquiorra?" He snapped at Grimmjow.

"What!? What makes you think this is my fault?"

"Well, until you told him to escape, he's become all rebellious. You are usually the rebellious one, so I will blame you for making my favourite child into a rebel!"

Aizen and Grimmjow had a stare off for a couple of minutes.

"Find him." And with that, Aizen turned on his heel and went back to Hueco Mundo.

Grimmjow cracked his knuckles and thought murderous thoughts.

"Ulquiorra Schiffer…" He punched the closest thing to him, which just happened to be a wall.

"You are _**so**_ dead!"


	6. Chapter 6

Keigo watched in awe as the city lights slipped away from him. The darkness of the night made him feel as though he were being sucked into a black hole. He decided that he approved of this feeling. From the front of the boat, Ulquiorra was watching Keigo. The human was transfixed by the lights on the shore for some reason that Ulquiorra's logic could not comprehend. He glared at the lights furiously, wondering how they could possibly be enrapturing enough to interest someone for 5 hours straight. He was beginning to think that perhaps Keigo was not quite a typical human. His thoughts drifted languidly to his master. The defiance he had shown amazed even him, and he was mildly curious why he had not been destroyed. He supposed that Aizen-Sama must have had ulterior motives. He could sense Grimmjow back on the mainland, and was quite sure that Grimmjow could also sense him. The trash was probably revelling in his freedom for as long as he could before having to return to Hueco Mundo.

"Keigo" he called.

The sudden voice startled Keigo out of his trance, and in his clumsiness, he toppled over the side of the boat. His foot caught on one edge, and as the boat was not particularly large, he ended up capsizing the boat and making both its occupants soaking wet.

"HELGHLUBBBUKEPPPP!!" Keigo wailed.

Ulquiorra, if he had not been struggling to stay afloat, what with his rather bulky clothes and all, would have hung his head and mourned for Keigo's intelligence. Instead he had to try and tip the boat back upright, climb in and save Keigo from drowning all at pretty much the same time. This was one of those times that he regretted being nice to this…. boy.

Later, when they had been in the boat long enough to become dry again, Ulquiorra attempted to start a conversation.

"So… where do you think we should go?" he asked.

Keigo thought on this for a while

"America." He decided.

Ulquiorra, did not have any sense of geographical locations in the human world; why would he, he thought they were all trash. Due to this, he thought that this America place seemed like a reasonable destination and he was oblivious to the fact that they would have to cover 9000 kilometres in a small dinghy. Keigo, lacking any common sense, thought that this feat would be relatively easy.

It only took a few hours for the flaws in their seemingly watertight plan to show. For one, the boat was beginning to leak, and after being buffeted by ferocious waves for several hours, Ulquiorra was again not feeling particularly happy.

"HOW MUCH FARTHER??" He hollered over the howling wind.

"I DON'T KNOW!!" Came the disheartening reply.

A particularly large wave dumped massive amounts of water in the boat on top of them causing Ulquiorra to splutter.

"I don't think the owners of this boat will ever see it again…" He muttered to himself.

"Ulquiorra??"

"What?"

Keigo pointed shakily at the monstrous wave bearing down towards them.

"Can you possibly run on the air and get us out of here?" He asked. But the question came too late as the wave came down and smashed the boat mercilessly. Terrified for his life Keigo clung to the closest thing to him, this just happened to be Ulquiorra. A second wave was all it took to send both of them hurtling out of the boat and into the swirling ocean. As the water plunged over his head Keigo wanted to scream, but the water tore all breath from his lungs. He felt himself sinking deeper into the sea and the last thought that crossed his mind was:

'Damn, I never did get to tell him…'

Ulquiorra came to lying on a rather uncomfortable surface with the sun shining directly into his eyes. He struggled to remember how he had gotten there, but the last thing he remembered was being dragged underwater by Keigo's dead weight. Groggily, he sat up.

"ACH! The wee laddie's awakening! Wotcha feelin'? How's yur head?"

The bizarre barrage of speech that welcomed him was greatly perplexing to the poor, half-drowned Espada.

"Shut up, trash." He said vaguely.

"ACH! We got one with a temper, lads!"

"Ach!" Came a resounding chorus from somewhere beyond the first voice.

Suddenly, Ulquiorra remembered what it was that he was doing on that ill-fated boat in the first place.

"Is this…America?" He queried

A round of accented chortling greeted his question.

"ACH! No laddie! This here is Scotlnd! The great motherlnd!"

His eyes by now had adjusted to the sunlight and he caught a glimpse of the man that was speaking. He immediately wished he hadn't. The speaker was standing or rather, looming above him. He was wearing typical Scottish garb, which consisted of a flannelette shirt, a kilt and a set of bagpipes. Ulquiorra was not pleased with his viewpoint. Especially since all the rumours were true concerning the Scotsmen's lack of undergarments. Suddenly a moan from somewhere around his waist distracted him from the horrors that were gracing his eyeballs.

"ACH! The wee-er laddie is also awakening! We're awful sorry, my lad, we couldn't detach him from you… He's got the grip of a deep sea clam!"

Ulquiorra glanced down and caught sight of Keigo's head.

"wha? … WHAT THE !!!!!"

It was this moment that the kindly Scotsman had shifted his stance so he could get a closer look at Keigo.

Ulquiorra felt sorry for the poor human's eyeballs.

Later, around a nice campfire, the Scots told of how Ulquiorra and Keigo had managed to end up in Scotland.

Keigo was especially intrigued, as he had always assumed that the Scottish people lived in little huts in the snow. Ulquiorra was stilling wondering where they were in relation to America.

"ACH!" The story began.

"We belong to the noble Scottish Underwater Secret Submarine Organisation. We hold our weekly meetings in submarines under the water. We don't often have anyone driving them though, so we usually end up miles and miles away from our grand homelnd!"

"Ach." Confirmed the other Scots.

"We were just surfacing when we heard a thoomp! And we poked our heads above deck and discovered you and yur wee friend on top of our submarine!"

"Ach."

"So we packed you in and took you home with us! Aren't we lovely!"

"ACH!" Replied Keigo.

"Keigo, don't…" Ulquiorra had had just about enough of the stupid exclamation, and he was not happy with Keigo joining in.

"ACH! The white laddie hasn't recovered yet; we'd best set him down until he gets some colour back into him!"

And that was how Ulquiorra ended up strapped to a straw bed to await some colour.

Grimmjow meanwhile was wondering what Ulquiorra thought Scotland was going to do for him. It seemed a very silly choice to make. As far as Grimmjow knew, Ulquiorra neither spoke Scottish nor English. Grimmjow himself was not entirely sure where Scotland was.

"And how on earth did he get there?" He mused.

"GRIMMJOW!?!"

"Y-yes Aizen?"

"Why have you let that rebellious child of mine get away?!"

"I didn't do it on purpose Aizen! I don't know how I'm supposed to get to Scotland!!"

"Use a garganta you fool!!"

"I thought they only linked to Japan?"

"Don't be ridiculous! What would be the point of that?"

Grimmjow sighed.

"Alright, I'll use a garganta and go to Scotland… Happy now?"

"Why yes! Yes I am… Thankyou for asking!"

And with that, Aizen departed once again.

Meanwhile in the cold and windy fields of Scotland, Ulquiorra is still restrained to a bed.

"Why don't you use your super-awesome-mega-demon powers?" Keigo asked.

Ulquiorra sighed.

"They are not called _'super-awesome-mega-demon-powers'_, they are just exceptional Espada powers."

"What's the difference?" Ulquiorra decided that he must have been getting used to Keigo's thickness. Thought he had to admit that Keigo had a point.

So he did what Keigo suggested and stood up, easily snapping the bonds of iron that had held him down.

"ACH!!" Came a familiar cry.

"The wee laddie had recovered at last! Although he still has very pale skin… and green lines on your face…"

He paused as his backward and absurd mind mulled over this new information.

"ACH!" He cried.

"The wee laddie is EMO!!"

Ulquiorra sighed and finally gave into the temptation of ceroing the annoying man. Keigo stared at the smoking spot of ash.

"Ach! You didn't have to do that!!!"

"If you say that word one more time, then you will face similar consequences."

Keigo quickly returned to his typical Japanese slang.

"Ah, so now what should we do?"

Keigo glanced at the weather outside.

"It's cold." He complained.

Ulquiorra stood and dragged him to the door.

"Grimmjow is coming." He replied. "We must leave now."

Keigo sighed. "But I don't wanna!!"

"Tough."

"My feet are cold."

"…"

"My face is cold too!"

"…"

"My hands hurt!"

Ulquiorra's eye twitched.

"Are we there yet?"

"…"

"Ulqui~ I'm bored~"

"WHAT DO YOU WANT!?!?"

Keigo was stunned by Ulquiorra's sudden outburst.

"I-my feet hurt…"

Ulquiorra felt like punching the human, but restrained himself, choosing instead to continue hollering.

"I DON'T THINK YOU COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION HERE KEIGO!!!! IF GRIMMJOW CATCHES ME HE'LL TAKE ME BACK TO AIZEN AND AIZEN-SAMA WILL PUNISH ME AND PROBABLY CHOP SOME PART OF ME OFF AND MAKE ME LESS IMPORTANT THAN GRIMMJOW WHICH WOULD ABSOLUTELY SUCK AND PROBABLY KILL YOU AND MAKE MY LIFE EVEN MORE OF A LIVING HELL THEN IT ALREADY IS!!!!"

In the face of this explosive rant, Keigo couldn't help but be amazed.

"You care that he'd kill me?" he asked in wonderment.

"WHY DID YOU PICK THAT PART OUT OF THAT WHOLE RANT!!!"

Keigo decided that he'd had enough.

"My ears hurt now, thanks a lot."

"GARRRHHGAGRHAGAGHHH" Ulquiorra shouted.

It was clear to Keigo that Ulquiorra had finally cracked. But this was not helping his own situation.

"That's all well and good, but Ulqui~ my feet _**still**_ hurt,"

"Oh, really? Well, would you like to be carried then; your majesty?" Ulquiorra asked sarcastically.

Keigo liked this idea very much.

"Yes thankyou." He replied. "That would be nice."

So that was how Ulquiorra ended up trudging through the forests of Scotland with a half-asleep Keigo snuggled up on his back.

If Grimmjow were to see this scene, he would probably have found it very gay and amusing, it would give him plenty of fuel to verbally abuse Ulquiorra for the next century. He would have loved it. Unfortunately, just as he was arriving in Scotland, Ulquiorra had flash-stepped his way across the sea and ended up in Afghanistan.

AN: Woot for another chapter. Some of you may have noticed that Ulquiorra was slightly ooc. (By which I mean that he was barely in character at all.) I'm sorry if you disliked it, but I found it very fun to have Ulquiorra show off his awesome lung capacity. Tune in next time for the adventures in Afghanistan!!


	7. Chapter 7

"Ulqui~!"

"What do you want now?"

"It's hot."

Ulquiorra sighed. In Scotland it was too cold; here it was too hot. Fortunately Keigo was still receiving a piggyback, which meant that complaints of sore feet were no longer an issue. In the distance Ulquiorra could hear faint thunder.

'Hmm…' Ulquiorra mused. 'That might be nice… Being rained on in this heat might be a relief, for the annoying one at least. And so the pair continued to trek through the hot Afghani desert.

Meanwhile in the cold and snowy heights of Scotland, Grimmjow was once again cursing his bad luck.

"DAMN THEM!!!" He hollered. "Damn them both to heck…"

"ACH!" Came a cry. "It's another one of those wee lost laddies!!"

Turning slightly Grimmjow caught a glimpse of a fate more horrendous then a thousand Aizens, though slightly less horrendous then a thousand Gins. It was… An army of naked Scotsmen.

"ARGHHHH!!!!!! What do you want??!!!? PUT THOSE THINGS AWAY!!!!!"

The leader of the army brandished himself threateningly.

"ACH!! Your wee laddie friends killed our leader, now is the time for revenge!!!!"

And with that the army charged, leaving Grimmjow with little else to do but run and hope he would survive this encounter.

"My, my… What ever is the matter?" Came a familiar voice.

"AIZEN!" Grimmjow shouted. "Aizen save MEEEEEeeeee"

"What's the magic word Grimmjow?"

"Um…." Grimmjow was puzzled. He was not aware of magic words, let alone one that Aizen would want.

"Please?" He tried.

"And the other words, say it properly man, do you want saving or not?"

"PLEASE save me Aizen!!"

"And the last word…"

"Please Aizen-sama?"

"Right."

Suddenly the army of naked Scotsmen found themselves being blown to pieces by a sudden blast of raw energy that has on occasion been known as Aizen-sama. When they awoke they discovered that they had become wandering naked ghosts.

"Ach." Said one. "I can't feel my toes…"

"Afghanistan." Said Aizen wisely.

"Huh?" Replied Grimmjow.

"My evasive child has gone to Afghanistan. You must find him there."

And with that Aizen once again, disappeared into thin air.

"I really wish he'd stop doing that…" Grimmjow muttered as he once again set off in pursuit of the elusive emo and pet.

Ulquiorra was beginning to regret ignoring the thunder. At the moment he and Keigo were right in the thick of this supposed storm, and neither of them were getting any cooler. It turns out that rather than a thunderstorm; they had wandered into the crossfire of a heated war. Ulquiorra, being as uneducated as he was, had no idea why people would be so cowardly as to shoot at the enemy from a distance and not even know the names of those who fell in battle. It was taking all of Ulquiorra's flash stepping skill to keep Keigo from being shot in the back, but it just wasn't going to be enough to get them safely out of the area. A stray bullet glanced across Keigo's shoulder and somehow detached him from Ulquiorra and sent him flying across the ground. Not realising what had happened until it was too late, Ulquiorra lost sight of his little friend and managed to get free of the shots. He stared back into the heat of battle and hoped that Keigo got out alive. But Ulquiorra is as Ulquiorra does, and being an extremely emo sort of a person, he assumed that Keigo had perished, and took off to somewhere else. No body knows where.

So we will return to poor little Keigo. Lost and alone in the great big desert with no one to complain to and no one to stop his feet from hurting. He plodded along tiredly and mourned the loss of his best friend in the whole wide world. A little while later he cam across a lone shrubbery.

"Oh!" He cried, "You are just as lonely as I am!" And he immediately attempted to give it a great big hug. Unfortunately the shrub was not too keen on being hugged, so it gave him a bunny rabbit.

"It's a bunny rabbit!" Shouted Captain Obvious… sorry… Keigo. He was about to bestow hugs upon the poor mammal when its head exploded. Keigo stared in shock at the lifeless and headless body before him.

"I wish Ulqui were here…" He whimpered.

He continued to walk, and further on, he discovered another lone shrub. Worried that his one would also produce exploding rabbits, he kept his distance. As soon as his back was turned Grimmjow burst out of the shrubbery and tackled Keigo from behind.

"GOT YOU, you little!" He paused "Where's Ulquiorra?"

Keigo wanted to cry, but his face was too dry and dirty.

"I don't know!!!!" He wailed.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I don't know!! We got separated."

Grimmjow scowled. "I'm looking for Ulquiorra, not you! How on earth did I end up finding you??"

Keigo shrugged and continued to whimper pathetically.

Suddenly, and for the first time in his life, Grimmjow had a bright idea!

"I know! Ulquiorra will definitely come and try to find you! So as long as you're here, Ulquiorra will come right to me!"

Keigo stared at the blue man in wonder.

"You really think Ulqui will try and find me?"

"Of course- Wait… Did you just call him _Ulqui?_"

"Yes"

"Why?"

"Why not, it suits him."

"But he doesn't like it…"

"Doesn't he? I never noticed…"

Grimmjow furrowed his brow in confusion, and then gave up.

"What ever, you're coming with me human!"

And so Keigo continued to trudge along through the desert, though thankfully he was no longer by himself.

"Grimmjow~"

"…"

"My feet hurt."

"I don't care."

"It's hot!"

"So?"

"Grimmjow, I'm tired…"

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT???"

"Give me a piggy back!"

Grimmjow was horrified.

"What?! Why??"

"Cos my feet hurt and I'm tired."

"…"

"Grimmjow?"

"…"

"…"

"Fine."

And so they continued with Grimmjow carrying Keigo unceremoniously over his shoulder.

"Grimmjow, your shoulder hurts my stomach."

"Would you rather walk?"

So Keigo lapsed into sulky silence and Grimmjow sighed in relief.

"Where is my child?"

Both Keigo and Grimmjow were startled by the sudden voice behind them.

"A-Aizen-sama!" Grimmjow stuttered.

Haughtily, Aizen perused the situation.

"Why are you carrying a human?"

"Because he was complaining too much."

"Why do you have the human at all?"

"Cos the emo and his precious little pet got split up."

"HEY! I'm not a pet!"

"Shut up." Snapped Grimmjow.

"Hmmm…" Said Aizen. "You think that my rebellious child will come in search of this human?"

Grimmjow nodded.

"Bring him home then."

"WHAT?!" Keigo and Grimmjow yelled simultaneously.

"Then Ulquiorra will come home to Las Noches without us even having to drag him there by force."

Grimmjow had to admit that this was a good idea. He nodded.

"Yeah, sure. We'll lock him up and wait for Prince Charming to arrive."

"Good." Said Aizen, and missapeared.

"Home time!" Grimmjow chuckled as he opened a garganta and stepped through into the blindingly pink halls of Las Noches.

Keigo looked around in confusion.

"I thought this place was white?"

Grimmjow stared at the walls in terror. "So did I."

It was at this moment that Halibell chose to round the corner and catch sight of Grimmjow's priceless facial expression. She chuckled before she felt inclined to explain.

"Do you like Szayel's handiwork?" She asked.

"Who. The. Hell let Szayel change the paint scheme?!?!?"

Halibell shrugged. "Aizen I suppose. Szayel's been banging on about it for some time now, the only reason he hadn't been allowed before was because you and Ulquiorra always kicked up a stink. As soon as Szayel realised that neither of you were home, he went to Aizen."

"And Aizen said yes…" Grimmjow shuddered and attempted to shield his eyes from the horror as he lugged Keigo down to the confinement block. Upon arrival, Grimmjow noticed that these particular halls were not pink, but a soft shade of grey.

"I am dibbsing guard duty." He decided as he dumped Keigo unceremoniously on the floor. Once the door was closed, all sounds from the outside were cut off, though Keigo would have been thrilled to know that Grimmjow had not been permitted to be on guard duty. He had been made to swap jobs with Nnoitra who, to Grimmjow's horror, had been helping Szayel paint the meeting room.

So Keigo sat. And then he slept. Then he got up and walked around a bit. Then he ate. Then he slept some more. Then he harassed Nnoitra. Then he found a piece of chalk. Then he slept again. Then he began to work on his escape plan.

Despite his brave face, the little rant that Ulquiorra had at him earlier had struck a nerve and Keigo decided that he really didn't want Ulquiorra to be captured, which meant that he couldn't stay here if there was any chance that Ulquiorra would come looking for him. He had to escape; there was no other option. He pulled out his piece of chalk and set to work.

Hours later, Nnoitra came in to bestow Keigo with food. When he entered, the first thing he saw was Keigo looking in disappointment at a whole lot of chalk scribble on the floor.

"What's an…ee-ss-aa-pp-cc pp-aa-mm?"

"It says escape plam."

"Yeah, whatever, I can't read real good. What's this 'escape plam' do?"

Keigo sighed miserably. "I don't know… It won't work. I can tell." He sniffled.

"Without Ulqui I'm useless."

Nnoitra shrugged and tried his best to be comforting. "Well, personally I think you were pretty useless with Ulquiorra as well, so don't feel too bad."

Keigo nodded. "Thanks."

Nnoitra stood awkwardly and tried to work out what to do next.

"So… I guess I'll see you later, when I bring you your dinner."

Keigo shrugged. "I guess."

"Urh…" Nnoitra punched Keigo lightly on the shoulder as he went out. "Good luck with your plam thing."

Keigo nodded. "And you… ah… have fun with your guarding."

Nnoitra grinned, something that you would not want to see everyday.

"Yeah, well at least I'm not on Szayel's 'Super-Mega-Awesome-Redecorational Team Uber."

And with that, the jail door swung shut. With determination written all over his face. Keigo got back into his plan of escape.

It wasn't until dinnertime that Keigo finally got a bright idea. When Nnoitra came into the room, Keigo noticed for the first time that Nnoitra had a very spoonly shape. He remembered the last time he had escaped he had used a dinner spoon to dig his way out. Surely with a spoon Nnoitra's size he could be out in no time! While Nnoitra's back was turned, Keigo snuck past and shut the door firmly.

"I'm about to be really sorry for what I have to do." He said.

Nnoitra had little other warning before he was scooped of his feet and set to work as some sort of a spade.

"Huh? Mmnhmhph!" The dirt in his mouth, though being white, did not taste like snow. For reasons unbeknown to even Keigo himself, the total time taken to dig out of Las Noches was about ten minutes. When he was free, Keigo stretched out and placed Nnoitra carefully on the ground.

"Thankyou." He said and ran off into the distance.

Nnoitra groaned. His head hurt, he had dirt in his eyes. He had dirt in his mouth. He had dirt in his ears. He had dirt in his hood. Now if only he could cry green, he could be just like Ulquiorra. Damn that Ulquiorra. Always being so much more prettier then he was. And more emo. And less creepy. Damn him. Then Nnoitra whimpered. He had let a prisoner escape. No worse then that, he had _helped _a prisoner escape! It was not going to be a pleasant time for him when Aizen found out…


	8. Chapter 8

Ulquiorra flinched as yet another large drop of water hit him on the tip of the nose and made its way down his face to try and sneak its way into his uniform. Not that it would make any difference, as he was already soaked to the bone. The drenching rain had stopped almost an hour ago, but apparently that made no difference to the amount of water still hanging about in the canopy of the trees above his head. He had long since decided that he was completely lost, he had also made a note of the fact that Grimmjow had not long ago returned to Las Noches. He presumed that this was because Aizen had something to entice his run away slave back home. This made him very pleased, because it most likely meant that Keigo was alive and safely locked up. A crash of thunder interrupted his thoughts, bringing with it another torrential downpour. It was at this moment that Ulquiorra decided that the heat of the desert and the cold of Scotland wee nothing compared to the wet of wherever he was. That and he really wished Keigo was with him. Even if the human was loud and obnoxious, at least he was company.

Meanwhile, in Aizen's throne room a terrified and filthy Nnoitra was facing his lord's judgement. He sat unhappily on the floor in front of a mountain of stairs with the eight remaining Espada standing in two rows behind. More than likely they had just shown up for the show. The high-and-mighty Aizen sat lordingly in his throne with Tosen and the ever smiling Gin on either side. Aizen sighed heavily and clasped his hands in front of his face, prompting Nnoitra's sudden and overwhelming desire to be anywhere but here on the floor.

"So, let me get this straight."

Nnoitra flinched at the slow cool words as they flowed from his leader's mouth. He knew instinctively that this was not going to end well.

"You were somehow overpowered by a young, and very human, boy who then proceeded to use you as a digging implement with which to make his escape. And yet it has only been a day since he arrived here?"

Nnoitra nodded. "Yes Aizen-sama."

From behind him Nnoitra could hear Grimmjow snigger and next to Aizen, one couldn't help but notice that Gin's grin seemed to be growing by the second. Aizen sighed again.

"I'm sure I don't have to tell you that you will be severely punished for this." He continued. Nnoitra nodded again, resigned to his fate. If he was lucky he would get demoted, though the look on Tousen's face made him worry that he might be facing the loss of a limb or two. A frown flitted across his face; he was not going to be pleased if he was demoted as Grimmjow would undoubtedly be the first to jump on the chance to gloat at him.

"You will leave Las Noches and not return without the boy."

It took a moment for the implications of this to sink in. Nnoitra was momentarily shocked that he was being let off so lightly but then realised what the Great Lord Aizen-sama was really saying.

'_You will go on a long and boring search to find a human boy who will be almost impossible to find due to his miniscule reitsu added to this, if you fail to find him don't expect to be allowed to come home.'_

It was practically banishment.

Behind Nnoitra, Grimmjow stood grinning broadly at the spoon's punishment. Sure the severity of the situation was lessened considerably by the fact that the entire room was a blinding pink, but at that moment, Grimmjow felt that not even Szayel's horrendous colour scheme could bring his mood down.

"Naturally, Grimmjow will be accompanying you."

Grimmjow's grin fled his face.

"WHAT!" He cried incredulously.

All around him the Espada burst into raucous laughter, even Stark woke up enough to offer a chuckle.

"YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?"

When Grimmjow's pleas fell on deaf ears his scowl deepened.

"Oi! Listen to me you cretinous, malfunctioning, heartless, butt-faced bastard-!"

"Naw, Grimmy~ Tha's no way ter be talkin to Aizen-sama! Mind yer tongue or we might havta remove it, ay Tosen?"

Tosen nodded gravely in response to Gin's brazen outburst. Grimmjow settled into sulky silence and Aizen remained sitting serenely on his throne with a sly smile plastered across his face.

"You are free to leave immediately."

And so Nnoitra and Grimmjow left immediately. When he felt he was far enough away to not be heard by Aizen, Grimmjow burst into a flurry of curses.

Nnoitra scowled.

"Shut up Grimmjow." He snapped.

"Me shut up? Me? Shut up? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!"

"I AM YOUR SUPERIOR! SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"OH! UP ON YOUR HIGH HORSE NOW I SEE! Well, Spoony. If you weren't so stupid as to let some human escape then WE WOULDN'T BE HERE RIGHT NOW!"

Grimmjow was understandably furious. Nnoitra growled and leapt at Grimmjow, hoping to be able to strangle the obstinate cat to death. Grimmjow responded in kind and soon the both of them were bloody and covered in white sand. From a high window in the castle that is Las Noches Gin looked out at the violent pair with his perpetual smile etched on his face.

"Naw, look at em go~ An' they only been gone a minute." He chuckled to himself, earning a concerned glance from a passing lower levelled arrancar.

By now I'm sure the question has arisen in your mind about the whereabouts of one Keigo Asano, but as not even he knows where he is, I will have to leave him alone for now.

Ulquiorra on the other hand was in quite a predicament. He had been less than impressed when out of the blue a large spider decided he needed some company. His mood had then steadily plummeted as he picked up more and more creepy crawlies. From where he stood now he didn't know how it could get any worse. The rather large tiger eyed him hungrily from its vantage point in the clearing. It knew that the strange looking thing would have to cross the clearing at some point, and when he did it would finally get some lunch. However the tiger had not realised that its intended prey was already dead, and not about to allow himself to be eaten by a mere creature.

Ulquiorra entered the clearing and said one word.

"Trash."

Ulquiorra left the clearing free of all life forms and in a much better mood. It was time to rescue Keigo.

Deep within the sterile halls of the 12th Division barracks Captain Kurotsuchi was sitting enthralled at his computer. His current research had started only a few weeks ago when he discovered a spot of powerful reitsu travelling in the vicinity of Karakura Town. He had then proceeded to keep track of it. He was amazed at its well-travelled-ness as he traced its effortless traversing of entire continents. At one point he noticed that there was a second reitsu following the first. This one interested him more than the first, as it would occasionally disappear and several times he had recorded the faint reitsu of Aizen as it came in contact with the second being. And now…

"Nemu!"

"Yes Sir?"

"Go and tell the Captains that I have found something."

Nemu bowed. "Right away Mayuri-sama."

Byakuya strode down the hall towards the designated meeting place. Yamamoto's request was an unusual one. Surely Aizen could not have made a move yet? He would never usually question orders, but with the Gotei 13 in turmoil after Aizen's betrayal, all things unusual began to seem suspicious.

"Captain Kuchiki!"

Byakuya paused and allowed his fellow captain to catch up.

"Captain Ukitake, I see you're doing well."

Ukitake nodded. "Well, I've not been doing too much, I suppose." He glanced conspiratorially around the empty halls. "Have you heard that this meeting was called at Captain Kurotsuchi's request?"

Byakuya hadn't.

"What for?"

Ukitake shrugged. "Beats me. Ah! Hi there Shunsui~!"

The pink-coated captain grinned lazily.

"Hello Ukitake, Kuchiki."

Byakuya nodded in acknowledgement of the greeting. Mere moments later, they were joined by Komamura who was greeted jovially by the slightly drunk Captains accompanying Byakuya.

"Humph…" Yamamoto greeted from his seat in the meeting hall.

Byakuya surveyed the hall. Most of the other Captains were already there. He counted them off as he saw them. Soi Fon, Unohana, Hitsugaya, and of course himself, Komamura, Shunsui and Ukitake. It seemed that Kenpachi had yet to arrive. Mayuri stood at the front of the hall with a pointer, projector and a creepy grin. He had also somehow managed to convince the other Captains to sit on the floor at his feet like school children.

"Thank you for attending! I have very important and fascinating information for you all!" Mayuri began, waving his pointer around with terrifying precision. "Please, take a seat!"

Just before Byakuya submitted to the childish floor-sitting trend, a loud crashing from outside alerted them to the 11th Division's Captain's arrival.

"Am I late?"

"Not at all Zaraki, so glad you could join us."

"Ken-Chan got lost on the way again!" Yachiru piped in from over Kenpachi's shoulder. Kenpachi frowned at her.

"This is a captain's meeting Yachiru. Go play with Ikkaku."

Yachiru pouted, but went anyway, slamming the doors behind her. Almost immediately after the young girl's departure, Mayuri dimmed the lights and began his presentation.

"As I am sure some of you are aware, we have been tracing the path of a suspected arrancar as it moves through the human world. As you notice here, here and here," he tapped the board at spots of strangely coloured reitsu, "There is one other who seems to have come in regular contact with a certain traitor. Now while these few things are cause for some minor concern, the most interesting thing of all has only occurred within the last few days." He clicked over to a new slide and waved his stick illustratively at the picture before them.

"This screen is a live view of the current activities in the real world. As you can see here, here and here something has gone amiss."

Byakuya stared in mystified fascination at the screen in front of him. It was so pretty. The swirly bubbles were running around and around and making patterns of great aesthetic pleasement. He felt like the world was spinning… So mesmerising… must not look away…

From his vantage point at the head of the room Yamamoto watched his captains one by one fall to the hypnotising nature of the reitsu on Kurotsuchi's screen. He sighed heavily.

"Turn it off Mayuri."

The sadistic scientist pouted. How dare Yamamoto ruin his experiment! He glanced around the room once noting with satisfaction that all the captains save Kenpachi had fallen into a trance. Kenpachi gazed at the screen in plain disinterest and wondered what on earth those silly blobs were supposed to mean.

Hallibel was scowling. Starrk was beginning to worry that she wouldn't ever stop scowling, seeing as she had started back when Aizen had announced his grand new plan to restore order to his home.

"Aaroniero, Zommari, Szayel." The three lower levelled Espada snapped to attention quickly.

"You will locate the stray human before the 5th and 6th do." Gin's smiled broadened as he realised where Aizen's plan was headed.

"Yammy, Starrk, Hallibel, Barrigan. You will locate and bring my rebellious little emo child back to me." He glared around the room.

"Any questions?"

Unsurprisingly, there were none.

"Leave." Aizen commanded regally. And they did, Hallibel scowling all the way.

Ulquiorra stood in front of a very large door. It was a very pretty door, but still quite large. He was unsure of what to do with said door. Would it help him find his Keigo? Would it be a trap designed by the horrible insidious Captain Aizen? If only he knew…

"Ah? Can I help you?" The shop attendant from the door shop peered at the strange looking customer uncertainly.

Ulquiorra shook his head slowly and left the shop in a state of despair. Where, O, where could his Keigo be?

* * *

**Well, well what happens next ayy? Sorry all for being terrible at updating regularly. I promise to try harder next time :) Hope you enjoyed~**


	9. Chapter 9

Keigo was feeling rather abysmal. This was rather an understandable disposition considering the situation that he was now facing. Keigo had never had a particularly marvellous sense of direction, and the small amount of common sense he did possess was useless in the face of the expansive white desert before him. He had very quickly realised that he was completely incapable of returning to the human world and so his escapism had finally lead him to a very dead end.

"I don't want to die..." He whimpered.

A furious hollow rampaged past him, chasing some elusive prey. Cautiously, Keigo snuck into a small and tidy cave that had conveniently presented itself. He curled up in a snug, secure ball and sang rather untuneful songs until he fell to sleep.

"Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... haa-ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..."

A peculiar noise filled the silence of the alley and floated out onto the street. Ichigo could not help but feel intrinsically drawn to this strange and yet vaguely familiar reverberation. He paced down the alley silently.

"Haa-ummmmmmmm..."

The figure on the ground looked to be engaged in some great feat of concentration, so much so that he did not notice Ichigo's approach. The light in the alley was dim, but not low enough that the form of the humming figure could not be identified.

"H-hey! You're that arrancar guy who took Keigo!"

Ulquiorra's eyelid flickered as his concentration was broken.

"Can you not see that I am attempting to concentrate, Trash?"

"Well... yeah, but... why are you here?"

"I am concealing my location while I search for that of the lost one."

"Who did you lose?"

"Keigo."

"...YOU LOST KEIGO! HOW THE HELL DID YOU MANAGE THAT!"

"...Please keep your voice lowered, trash."

Ichigo scowled, and then squatted down so he was level with the seated Ulquiorra.

"What have you done with Keigo?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"As I have already informed you: I lost him."

"How?"

Ulquiorra declined to answer.

"Hah-uuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..."

"Will you STOP THAT!"

"Do you wish me to find your friend?"

"Well..."

"Then be silent, Trash."

Ichigo scowl deepened, but he accepted Ulquiorra's command and sat in relative silence.

"Haaa-ummmmmmmm"

" You know, I don't see how that's going to help anything..."

"Of course you don't "

"..."

"Haaaa-ummmmmmmmmmm"

"That is really annoyi-"

"Found him."

Abruptly, Ulquiorra stood and made his way out of the alleyway, Ichigo hot on his heels.

"Where is he?"

"In trouble."

"This is without doubt the most demeaning thing I have ever been required to do."

"I've had worse."

"Really? Please, enlighten us. I'm simply _dying_ to know..."

"You know how you made us repaint Las Noches?"

"Of course I do! One of the greatest achievements of my life!"

"Yeah, well... it sucks Szayel."

"Aaroneiro! How could you _say_ such a thing!"

"He's right, Szayel."  
"Zommari? Not you too?" Szayel whined.

"I apologise Szayel, but that project was so terrible that not even my... special medicine made it any more tolerable."

"You were _high _ and you couldn't appreciate my vision! I thought dugs were supposed to enhance creativity!"

"There is nothing creative about hot pink."

"Shut up Aaroneiro." Szayel snarled.

"Now, now. As much as I am certain we could continue to critique Szayel's fashion sense quite happily for the rest of the afternoon, Aizen-sama has given us a directive. We should put aside our differences and work on finding the strange human that has captured our Cuatro's interest."

Aaroneiro's heads scowled from within their tank.

"I don't want to..." He whined

"Well, we definitely have an advantage over those buffoons; I have the human's location narrowed down quite substantially." Szayel flipped his hair proudly at his announcement.

"Well, where is he?"

"He's not in the human world."

"... That's all you know?"

"Yep, good aren't I!"

"What! No! _I _could have told you that!" Aaroneiro flapped his arms about wildly to emphasise how useless Szayel's input was being.

"Oh..."

Zommari sighed and activated his resurrection. Szayel looked at him quizzically.

"We have to keep our eyes open for any trace of the boy, correct? So the more eyes we have looking, the better."

"I hate you all."

Starrk chuckled nervously.

"Now, now Hallibel. It's hardly _our_ fault we're in this situation. You should be blaming Ulquiorra, or even Aizen."

"Can't blame Ulquiorra, he's not here. Can't blame Aizen, he's the boss."

"But why do you have to hate us?" Yammy asked pitifully.

"Because you are fat, he is old, and he is lazy."

"I'm not fat! It's all muscle!"

"And I am not old."

The other three espada looked at Barrigan in disbelief.

"Dude... Your resurrection is a _skeleton_. How is that not old?"

Barrigan frowned. "I am the King around here!" He exclaimed. "Therefore I am not old!"

They walked on in silence.

"How does being a king make you younger?" Hallibel asked finally.

"It just does! Shut up already Hallibel!"

"Why are we out here again?"

Starrk almost gave in to his sudden urge to connect his palm to his forehead.

"We are looking for Ulquiorra."

"Are you sure he's going to be in the desert?"

"I have NO IDEA where he would be!"

They stopped and stood in thought for a moment.

"Isn't his little pet here somewhere?"

"It's not our job to look for them."

"Yeah... But wouldn't Ulquiorra be looking for him?"

They considered this point.

"Except last time Grimmjow tried that, didn't we just end up losing the human?"

"Yeah because _Grimmjow_ tried it. We all know how successful anything Grimmjow does is."

More standing and thinking ensued.

"How can we even begin to locate a human?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well... they have such pitiful reitsu..."

Barrigan sighed.

"Then why don't we track Ulquiorra's reitsu?"

They stood in reitsu-finding concentration.

"I think he's hiding his reitsu." Starrk said after a very long and silent silence.

"Damn him! Damn you all! I HATE THIS!"

"Woah! Hallibel calm down!"

"No I will NOT calm down Starrk! This is complete rubbish! I shouldn't have to do this!"

Yammy whimpered softly as the voices rose to a climax.

"Hallibel! Seriously this is not the- zzzzzzzz"

Starrk was abruptly silenced by a nap attack.

"Well... I can see that this team is going to be so very successful." Barrigan grumbled.

"GRIMMJOW GET YOUR FURRY ASS BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!"

"MAKE ME! Stupid spoon."

Nnoitra hissed and took up the chase. A lone and recently fed hollow seated on a nice sandy knoll took in the action from his cosy viewing post. The two espada had been fighting each other for the better part of the day, resulting in very little 'Keigo-finding' action. Of course, the hollow did not mind this. Dinner and a show. It was his lucky day.

"AAHHHHH! YOU STUPID SPOON GET OFF MY BACK!"

"STOP CALLING ME A SPOON YOU ILL-BRED PANTHER THING!"

His lucky day indeed.

As the two competitors collapsed into an exhaustion induced nap, the hollow decided that now would be a nice time to return to his cosy little cave and have a little rest. Howling tunefully to itself it made its way back to its home. It entered the cave and sighed contentedly at the sudden loss of sandblasting. It was about to curl up and go to sleep, when it spotted a very strange object huddled in the back of the cave. Reaching out with a tentative tentacle, it prodded the lump.

"AHH! DON'T EAT ME PLEASE!" The lump shrieked.

"Eat... I only just ate."

"Oh..." Keigo watched the strange white monster carefully. It was definitely not the emo one come to rescue him. He felt disappointed. His stomach growled its own disappointment at being rather empty, the noise echoing around the tiny cave quite loudly.

"You are hungry."

"Ye-Yes... I am."

The hollow considered its new roommate. It didn't look like any type of hollow it had encountered before. In fact, it looked quite like a human. Of course, it dismissed that idea immediately. There were no humans in Hueco Mundo.

"What do you eat?"

"Umm... food."

This was not the answer the hollow had been looking for.

"I can find you a small hollow to eat."

Keigo was horrified.

"I can't eat that!"

"No?"

"NOO!"

"Oh."

The hollow was disappointed. It was in a good mood and having a roommate pleased it further. But having its new roommate die of starvation would ruin his day completely.

"Tell me something you like to eat."

Keigo considered this carefully.

"Ramen!" He decided.

"But that's something humans eat!"

Keigo blinked.

"Well... yeah. I am human, you know."

"You are?"

The hollow was incredulous. How did a human end up in Hueco Mundo?

"How did you get here?"

"I used Nnoitra as a shovel and dug my way out of Las Noches."

The hollow sighed. Those strange people in Las Noches; he had just known that they were up to no good.

Keigo began to fidget as the strange hollow stared at him, lost in thought. Abruptly it stood and trundled out the cave entrance, leaving Keigo staring out into the bleak white desert alone.

"Aizen-sama..."

"Yes Gin?"

Gin paused, scratching the back of his head uncertainly.

"Are you sure that sendin' all tha 'spada away was such a good idea? I mean, what 'appens if none of 'em come back?"

Aizen smiled benevolently at his overly paranoid little side kick.

"Nonsense Gin. They know better than to disobey me."

Gin shuffled his feet nervously.

"Well... yeah... but we've been pretty active lately, what 'appens if soul society gets involved?"

Aizen considered this.

"My children are more than capable of looking after themselves."

"But what if-"

"Gin, Gin, Gin" Tosen interrupted patronisingly. "Surely you know better than to question our great lord Aizen-sama's judgement."

"Guuahh guuahhh guaah" Wonderweiss was following close behind his blind companion, and felt that his input was necessary.

Gin's ever present smile twitched, but he decided raising further argument at this point was futile. Instead he plastered on his smile wider than ever.

"Of course Tosen. I wouldn't dream of questioning Aizen-sama, and I am sure he knows that."

Tosen nodded.

"Good... good." He murmured, before turning to Aizen and striking up a strange conversation about pantaloons. Gin sighed and left the throne room, the corridors of Las Noches felt deserted without the boisterous espada roaming them. Still thinking fond thoughts of the missing espada, he made his way out into the bleak desert to see how said espada were getting on.

Ichigo was feeling rather breathless as he chased after the fast moving espada. He was about to yell out and make Ulquiorra slow down when he noticed a hollow. Normally seeing a hollow would not bother him too much, as he would just hit it in the head and be on his way. This one, however... was attempting to purchase ramen.


	10. Chapter 10

"Hey you! Wait a sec!"

Ulquiorra sighed and paused briefly, turning to face the annoying redhead trailing behind him.

"What do you want, trash?"

"Do hollows go out and buy ramen often?"

Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow.

"Hollows have no need for ramen."

"That's what I thought... But look over there."

Ulquiorra eyes drifted to where Ichigo was pointing. Sure enough, there stood a rather large hollow, trying in vain to capture the storeowner's attention. Ulquiorra was immediately overcome with an intense desire to know what the hell was going on. 'It must be that silly human's influence' he mused. He had never felt curious about anything before. The strange urge disturbed him. Making up his mind, he made his way to the side of the hollow.

"What are you doing?"

The hollow glanced down at the voice next to him. The owner of the voice looked strange, almost hollow like... 'Ah!' Thought the hollow. 'This must be one of those people from Las Noches.'

"I have a roommate."

"That does not explain what you are doing."

"He was hungry."

Ichigo scowled at the two conversing hollow things. He wanted to barge in and tell them to get on with it, but he was in his human body, and talking to people that no one else could see was only going to get him odd looks.

"Why are you trying to get ramen?"

"He said he wanted some."

Ulquiorra tilted his head slightly to get a better look at the hollow. He knew hollows had no interest in ramen. Only humans ate ramen. And how many humans could there possibly be inhabiting Hueco Mundo desert?

"Describe your roommate."

The hollow considered this request.

"Well... He's sort of short and human. He has hair the colour of the dirt out here and the first thing he did when he woke up was scream. Something about not being eaten."

Ulquiorra decided this sounded very much like his Keigo, and was about to ask if the hollow had a name when it started rambling again.

"He also said that he'd come from Las Noches, something about using a 'Nnoitra' to escape."

Ulquiorra gestured to the impatiently waiting Ichigo.

"I have found Keigo." He declared. "You will buy ramen, and then you," he pointed at the hollow, "you will take us to see your roommate."

Keigo sighed. The strange hollow had been gone a long time, and his stomach was still complaining very loudly. He wanted to go to sleep but, for the first time in a long time, sleep just would not come to him. He puffed out his cheeks and then un-puffed them repeating this action several times as a form of amusement. The amusement was short lived, prompting yet another visit to the entrance of the cave. To his delight, a figure could be discerned coming towards him. He narrowed his eyes. Not one... three. His heart skipped in his chest. Could Ulqui have found the hollow friend? But then who was the third figure? His heart sunk. If that wasn't the hollow and Ulquiorra then it could be anyone. It could even be some of those crazy people who were trying to capture him. Nerves constricting his breathing, he slunk to the back of the cave and curled into a tight ball. His eyes scrunched tight as he wished for some food for his belly.

"So how'd ya find him last time?"

Grimmjow scowled. "I have no idea! I was looking for Ulquiorra and then... I just sort of came across him trying to hug some poor rabbit or something."

"Did he hug it?" Nnoitra found Grimmjow's strange story rather intriguing for no reason in particular.

"Nah, I blew its head up."

Nnoitra sighed. "That wasn't very nice."

Grimmjow huffed. "Yeah? Well guess what! Your face isn't very nice!"

"What did you just say?" Nnoitra glared down at the cocky bluenette strutting alongside him.

"I said you face is like some sorta terrorist device or something. Cos it certainly ain't a nice sight."

Nnoitra growled, launching himself at his companion. His significant height gave him a nice head start and he had Grimmjow's face buried in the sand before he started to fight back. Furious, Grimmjow unleashed his resurrection, long claws lashing out and digging into Nnoitra's side. Nnoitra swore, stood up and kicked his opponent away from him. Quickly, Nnoitra checked his side for damage. Fortunately, his hierro negated most of the potential damage.

"You are going to PAY for that!" He hollered. He levelled his zanpakuto so one tip was only inches away from Grimmjow's face.

"Pray, Santa Teresa."

"Aren't they supposed to be finding the human?"

Szayel glanced lazily over at the newly dubbed 'bubble-head'. He and Zommari had decided it was quite a fitting thing for Aaroneiro to be called.

"Those to a quite clearly in love!" He declared.

Zommari and Aaroneiro looked at him incredulously.

"They're trying to kill each other!"

"Yeah! They hate each other's guts!"

"Au contraire! That is just what they _want_ us to think. Really they adore each other." Szayel was revelling in his newfound discovery. Oh, the amusement he would have taunting them over this!

"They're fighting in released form!"

"So? They are only trying to keep up appearances."

"Szayel... They do not know that everyone else was sent out. As far as they know, they're the only ones out here."

Szayel frowned at the sudden flaw in his theory.

"Foreplay, perhaps..."

Zommari shook his head.

"Just give it up Szayel. They hate each other, and their distraction is giving us the perfect opportunity to get them locked out of Las Noches for the rest of their pathetic lives."

Szayel had to admit that Zommari was correct. Of course, he would never let the ever-so-slightly superior espada know that. Instead, he huffed and started walking away. The other two turned and followed him. A particularly harsh gust of wind blew sand into all sorts of uncomfortable places. It appeared a storm was picking up. Szayel pointed towards a small cave tucked away in the distance.

"Let's crash there while the storm's on." He suggested, not waiting for a reply, he began to make his way to the promise of shelter.

"HEY!"

"WHAT ARE YOU YELLING ABOUT DUMB CAT!"

The two opponents stared each other down, until Grimmjow pointed over Nnoitra's shoulder.

"Isn't that those three weirdo goons over there?"

Nnoitra scoffed.  
"Not only do I have no idea what you're talking about, I am NOT going to fall for that trick."

Grimmjow shook his head.

"Nah, man. I'm serious! It's Szayel, Tube-head and that guy who's always on drugs! They're over there."

Nnoitra found this hard to believe, but when Grimmjow deactivated his resurrection he felt that it was worth a look. He could hardly believe his eyes.

"What the hell are they doing here?"

Grimmjow shrugged.

"Let's follow them!"

Nnoitra grinned. This idea pleased him. Stalking people had always been a particular interest of his, one that he rarely had opportunity to explore. Sheathing their swords the two followed their oblivious prey stealthily, felling very proud of their efforts to remain undetected in the midst of a brewing sand storm.

"Where do you think that lot are going?"

From a high hilltop the final members of the espada where watching the three lowliest members be stalked. Barrigan for some reason was finding this highly amusing, the other three not really having any sort of opinion on the matter. Hallibel's eyes roamed the horizon to try and find any indication of what was going on. Suddenly she picked up a _very_ familiar reitsu.

"H-Hallibel? Where are you going?"

Hallibel felt tempted to ignore the stuttering Primera.

"Ulquiorra is down there."

The other three immediately scanned the area and confirmed her suspicions. The very faint and expertly concealed reitsu of their cuatro was down amongst the mix of bodies making their way through the Hueco Mundo barrens.

"Brilliant!" Barrigan exclaimed. "Our quarry has come to us!"

The four high level espada set off at a jog. They had to catch the rebellious espada before he moved again.

**AN: Okay... so it's a short chapter this time. Sorryyy, but I think this story is almost done now :D how exciting. There's probably only one or two chapters left, though that depends. Hope you like it so far :)**


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Bleach, Drama, Humor