Phantom of the Opera 1. Cupcakes?

dear diary

was pondering meaning of life today

decided maybe torturing the fop wasn't all there was in life

made cupcakes, rethought life goals

decided to forgo whole "doom and gloom" theme

went out and bought pink mask and bunny slippers

It's a whole new me!

Erik!

Dear Diary

Had strange craving for cupcakes. Made some, wore bunny slippers.

Very comfy.

Decided to get spontaneous gift for Christine.

Don't know what yet. Oh well!

Erik!

dear diary

the "new me" isn't good

managers laughed at pink mask when I went for my salary today

decided to revert to old me, toned down a bit

am keeping the bunny slippers though

are very comfy

Erik

dear diary

have procured small fluffy dog for Christine

seems to be all the rage in Paris, carrying small dogs dressed in costumes

have decided to purchase small cape/mask set for said dog as joke

am off to purchase them

Erik

dear diary

Christine didn't want the dog

am now stuck with tiny ball of fluff in mini phantom costume

is very cute

on plus side-I now have something to talk to

am thinking that dog may be instrumental in new plan, codename "Fop"

shall name small dog and get planning

Erik

Dear Diary

have decided to name dog "Big Tom"

may not make sense now, but apparently, dog will not stay small forever

shall have to buy bigger costume

did not realize Scotties got so large

shall update plan later

Erik

Dear Diary

success! last night operation FOP was put into action

have dyed Fops hair nasty shade of snot green

incessant screams since his awakening not easy on the ears

although he can reach notes even Christine can't hit

very impressive, in strange twisted way

made more cupcakes

am becoming obscenely good at cupcake construction

shall offer Christine cupcakes next time she comes down

Erik

Dear Diary

must admit-green not fops best color

lost white mask today

very upset

now have to use purple and gold Marti Gras mask

purple not as intimidating as white

feathers not helping

erik br br

dear diary

had another bad day

fops hair grew out ALREADY

is no longer green

i shall rectify that tonight

am thinking maybe orange

would clash with tacky jacket he INSISTS on wearing

maybe will give him a Mohawk

he will get mugged by the bikers on 23rd street

would provide most interesting entertainment

shall ponder options

erik


	2. Carrots?

Dear Diary

Invited Christine down for cupcakes tomorrow.

Got no response, so told her that she need not RSVP.

Am hoping that yummy cupcake smells waifting up from cellars will have her searching for the lair.

Found out yesterday that "Tom" is not a good name for fluffy dog.

Apparently, dog is female.

Shall think of new name tonight.

Erik

Dear Diary

Christine came down for cupcakes!

Unfortunately, was followed by fop babbling something about carrots.

Am thinking I should train Elvis to be an attack dog.

She can be very fierce when provoked.

Did not know that dogs that small had teeth that sharp.

Anyway,Christine loved the cupcakes. She denied it, but I could tell.

I'm good. VERY good.

Wait...Carrots?

Erik

Dear Diary

Saw fop on roof today.

What was he doing with that carrot?

Erik

Dear Diary

Last night dyed fops hair orange.

Strangely enough, no screaming yet.

It's almost 1 pm.

He can't STILL be sleeping.

Shall await developments.

Erik

Dear Diary

Invited fop down for cupcakes.

I asked about his new hair style.

Only answer given was "Now I look like a carrot!"

Seems happy about orange hair.

Strange.

Stupid fop ate all my cupcakes.

Now need to make more. Am angry.

Erik

PS-Still say orange clashes with stupid jacked that he _STILL WEARS_.

Is he **COLOUR BLIND**? _seriously_.


	3. Creepy

Dear Diary,  
Fop came down unexpectedly today  
Somehow managed to miss several traps i put out for him  
Was attracted to strong smell of cupcakes  
Demanded i hand some over.. along with tea. would not leave  
Broke my best teacup, while blathering about clothes  
Almost threw him down into torture room immediatley  
Didn't have to-  
Scottie dog most useful in discovering weaknesses  
And discovering abandoned shoes  
Very chewy i imagine  
Fop was v. upset- shreiked in horror  
Upset Elvis- she mauled him  
V. good attack dog- who needs a doberman?  
Fop left  
Must put traps in less obvious areas  
-Erik

Dear Diary  
Christine showed up today. Demanded cupcakes. Was furious when I explained that I had no cupcake mix left in the lair after fop's unexpected invasion. She stormed out.  
Strange…  
Erik

Dear Diary  
Have discovered what fop was doing with carrot.  
Am mildly disgusted.  
Erik

Dear Diary  
Am thinking I should get Christine help. Think she has become addicted to cupcakes. Saw her snorting cupcake mix in the kitchen this morning. Shall seek out professional help.  
Erik  
PS-Got new cape today. Very manly.

Dear Diary  
Am angry. Operator laughed at me when I asked for the number to a Cupcake Help Facility. Hung up. Shall try internet. Cape update: Long and flowing.  
Erik

Dear Diary  
Apparently there is no cupcake help line. Am guessing I should make non-fat cupcakes and just let Christine eat as many as she wants. Internet good for other things though. Have ordered lake monster from Scotland. Feel a need to get one after today. Fop stole my new cape and ran about pretending he was Superman. Stupid fop. Proceeded to fall into lake WEARING MY NEW CAPE. Was v. upset with him. Gave him stern talking to and refused to give him cupcakse, as they were his main reason for coming down. Apparently, "cape just to enticing". Must go bake more cupcakes for Christine. Seriously, the girl can eat her weight in sugary goodness every time she comes down here.  
Erik  
Cape update: Wet.

A/N- Sorry about not updating...just didnt get around to it. I will more frequently, I promise.  
I guess I'll go now...


	4. Awwww MUFFIN

Dear Diary

Rough day.  
Attempted muffins this morning.  
Assumed they were like cupcakes without frosting  
Was sadly mistaken.  
In fact, muffin batter became some sort of muffin-like blob monster.  
Am currently hiding under organ as monster rampages around my kitchen.  
Am thinking it will stop once it has eaten whatever it is currently consuming.  
Wait.  
WAIT ONE SECOND!  
It's eating my cupcakes!  
This will NOT be tolerated.  
Erik

later that day

Dear Diary

Have managed to dispose of muffin-monster.  
Left trail of cupcakes -sniff (mourns the cupcakes) - to lake edge and called the beast from the depths.  
IT LIVESSSSSSSSSSSS!  
Lake Monster ate muffin monster.  
Quite quickly actually.  
I was impressed. Very efficient killing.  
Erik

Dear Diary

Am quite enamored by my new lake monster.  
Invited fop down for a swim in the lake.  
He declined.  
When I enquired as to why, all the explanation he gave was a furtive glance and a muttered "Carrots..."  
Am slightly afraid.  
Will not be going on the roof anytime soon  
Erik

Dear Diary

Lake Monster has been named.  
Nessie.  
Is very cliché lake monster nam, I know, but it fits.  
Also loves cupcakes.  
We'll get along fine down here.  
Erik

Dear Diary

AM SCARRED FOR LIFE.  
Thought that 2 days was enough to give fop to take care of his...carrots... before seeking him out for cupcakes/ visit/ death.  
Unfortunately, it was not.  
Made cupcakes anyway.  
Christine is coming tomorrow for a game of pool.  
Is the test subject for my new rum frosting.  
Can't wait to see how this goes.  
Erik

Dear Diary

Christine ate a few to many cupcakes.  
Is currently clinging to my cloak whispering obscene things in my ear.  
I think I should make rum frosting more often.  
HEY NOW!  
She's touching somewhere she shouldn't be!  
HANDS OFF THE KEYBOARD WOMAN.  
She's touching the organ. (A/N the musical device of course you dirty people)  
I need to go take care of this.  
Erik

A/N!

OoOoOoO Cliffhanger!

Haha just kidding. Sorry for the wait.  
Dontcha just love my SEXUAL INNUENDO?  
Hahahah

Bye people.


	5. Capes?

Dear Diary.  
Had interesting night last night.  
Was bored, so decided to torture the foppish one.  
Discovered bottle of hair dye left over from last time.  
It was green. Found orange face paint left over from pumpkin costume last halloween.  
A most excellent plan dawned on me.  
When the fop wakes up i shall record more.  
-Evil Grin-  
Erik  
Cape update- Dry, but wrinkled. damn the fop and his superheroish dreamns! DAMNNN HIMMMMMM. 

Dear Diary.  
Fop excedingly happy with his new look.  
Claims the Carrot Fairy came to him in the night and granted his deepest wish.  
Am frightened for my sanity.  
Erik  
Cape update-Freshly ironed.

Dear Diary  
Fop finally took off carrot costume. Am very relieved.  
Asked him to the lair for a swim.  
He accepted! Score one for the home team.  
Erik  
Cape update-Manly and mysterious.

Dear Diary  
I am SCARRED FOR LIFE.  
Why is fop capable of such monsterous acts on my soul?  
Why?  
He came down to.."swim.  
Fop sat in lakeshore for an hour eating carrots.  
Then began to insist that i make carrotcake cupcakes.  
Asked him "wouldnt that involve grinding carrots up"  
Then the true horror of the statement hit me.  
Fop and i both went white (well...with me it was more of a green)  
Both cried out "NO CARROTCAKE.  
I suggested we just go swimming.  
He agreed, proceded to take off clothes.  
He-he-i can't even write it out.  
Be back after meeting with shrink.  
Erik

Dear Diary  
Therapist suggested that writing would ease pain.  
Am slightly afraid of the memory.  
Shall try my hardest.  
Fop-took off clothes.  
He...he was...wearing a bikini.  
A pink bikini.  
The image has been imprinted on my retinas.  
Thank the gods for therapists like mine.  
Erik  
Cape update-Frightened and huddled in a corner.

Dear Diary  
Made Christine cupcakes.  
Left them in front of mirror in dressing room.  
Hopefully she'll take the hint.  
I want her to see my manly new cape!  
On a side note-Elvis has destroyed all of Fop's designer shoes.  
Heard him this morning screaming "NOT THE PRADA! NOOOOOOOOoooooo!!"  
Gave Elvis a cookie when she came back from her adventure.  
Had a scrap of Fop's pants in teeth. I did not ask which part.  
Erik  
Cape update-So manly I'm turning myself on.


	6. Amazing

Dear Diary

It's been a while hasn't it?

Many apologies. Was forced to vacate the lair quite abruptly due to wandering fop and nosy police-type friends.

Went to Scotland for a few months, played golf.

Fop terrible at golf.

Missed INCREDIBLY easy short putt because of "the terrible uproar the butterflies were making in the next meadow".

Ridiculous.

Do NOT understand why Christine prefers that to me.

I have a manly cape; he has a foppish hair cut.

I have an adorable attack dog, he has a carrot.

Am confused.

Erik

Dear Diary

Made cupcakes

Christine came down to visit.

Was seemingly excited to see me.

THREW herself at me and cupcake tins.

Said Fop tried to make cupcakes for her while I was gone.

Apparently failed miserably.

Yay

Erik

Dear Diary

Fop has gone TO FAR.

Was cleaning up and unfortunate cupcake mishap in the kitchen this morning and what did I find?

Carrot bits EVERYWHERE.

Is hereafter banned from lair.

Unless it is by my invitation, and only then if it is for his eminent demise.

God as my witness, I will tolerate it no longer.

Erik

Dear Diary

Have procured materials necessary for revenge.

Warned my shrink that he may have a new client soon, prepared him a bit.

Am hoping to get discount for recommending his services.

Hope for the best!

Erik

Cape update- Manly and perfect. Slightly cupcake scented. Go me!

A/N

Oh man guys. Soooooo sorry its been so long. Ive been reallllly busy. But yeah. Oh, sorry that this chapter is absolute crap too. Ill write more/better when finals are over. Yay school ending!

Ohhh yeah, if anyone can catch the P. G. Wodehouse refrence I'll gove you a cupcake. Just leave the quote/a norte thing ina review. Ill make ya one! 

Peace out.

A


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Phantom of the Opera, Humor, Parody