Phantom of the Opera No Sex in Erik's Creepy Lair O'Music

Disclaimer: This comedy bit comes from Chris Rock's excellent piece entitled "No Sex In the Champagne Room". Phantom copyright all its respective owners from ALW to Leroux.

Based on ALW for fun-poking, but whatever. I'm a Leroux phangirl. Oneshot songphic. Not meant to be taken seriously, just for a laugh. An apology to Sarah Brightman phans.

_**No Sex In the Creepy Lair O' Music.**_

(A Songphic by beata-beatrix)

_The stage is set for the graduation ceremony of L'Academie Nationale de la Musique/Opera Populaire/Opera Garnier/ Whatever-the-hell-it-was. Christine, Meg, Raoul, Madame Giry, the managers, Carlotta and Piangi are seated on stage. Erik hides behind a curtain. Reyer starts the orchestra playing Pomp and Circumstance. Granted the pomp of the circumstance, they had chosen a interesting guest speaker to give the commencement speech: The Authoress. _

B-B:

May I have your attention please?

(taps mic)

_Ladies and gentlemen of the graduating class of 1899,_

_I have one piece of advice for you._

_No matter what the Phantom tells you,_

_There's no SEX in his Creepy Lair O' Music._

_NONE._

_Oh, there's MUSIC in his Creepy Lair O' Music._

_But you don't want music. _

(points to rabid phangirls)

_You want SEX._

_And there's no SEX in Erik's Creepy Lair O' Music._

(she begins to walk toward Raoul)

_Don't go to Masquerades without a weapon!_

_Sure it feels safe with the masks and all.._

_But whaddabout Red Death Erik pointing at you with a sword?_

_HE KNOWS YOU AIN'T GOT ONE!_

(walks over to Christine and Madame Giry)

_If a woman tells you she's 20, and looks 16,_

_Erik's her "tutor."_

_If she tells you she's 36, and looks 36,_

(points at Madame Giry)

_She's DAMN NEAR SIXTY!_

(walks over to curtain and opens it, revealing a caught-off-guard Erik)

_Take off that silly-ass mask!_

(over to the managers)

_The old O.G. couldn't have possibly committed all those crimes._

_The Persian did some of that shit!_

(back center stage, but motioning to Erik)

_Young opera ghosts.._

_If you go to a performance,_

_And there's a foppish Vicomte in your box.._

_LET IT SLIDE._

_Why spend the next 50 minutes _

_Watching him make out with your chick on the roof_

_'Cause someone was a bit lasso-happy?_

(looks at phanfic writers)

_ErikMeg fluff...Ain't nothing wrong with that!_

(to entire audience)

_No matter what you think of what I'm saying,_

_Remember this one thing:_

_There is no SEX in Erik's Creepy Lair O' Music._

(cues Orchestra, and Piangi begins to sing)

Piangi:

_Oooh...No sex in the Phantom's Lair.._

_No Sex in the Phantom's Lair_

_No Sex in the Phantom's Lair_

_No Sex in the Phantom's Lair_

_No Sex in the Phantom's Lair_

_No Sex in the Phantom's Lair_

_Cause there's absolutely positively_

_No Sex in the Lair O' Music!_

B-B:

_If an actor playing Erik_

_Has a cute little deformity_

_He hasn't been sticking to canon._

_The REAL Erik is too scary_

_To have a nose._

(walks closer to ALW sitting off to the side)

_If an ugly French Guy composes something_

_He'll probably make out with Sarah Brightman_

_If an ugly British Guy composes something_

_He'll probably make out with Sarah Brightman_

(walks back to center stage)

_Here's a horoscope for everyone!_

(motions toward Joseph Bouquet and the Rat Catcher)

_Aquarius!...You're getting punjabbed_

_Capricorn!...You're getting punjabbed_

(motions toward Raoul)

_Gemini!...You get punjabbed. TWICE._

(motions toward Erik)

_Leo!...You're GONNA punjab._

(motions toward Philippe de Chagny who is toying with La Sorelli's tutu)

_Scorpio!...You gonna get punjabbed fkin'!_

(back to center stage, facing the audience)

_NO ONE GOES TO SEE THE MUSICAL FOR "ACCURACY."_

(to Christine)

_If you've been "practicing" with a dude for 6 months_

_And you don't know what his face looks like.._

_He is NOT sent by your father!_

(to entire watching and reading audience)

_Some of the things I've said may not apply to you._

_Some of the things I've said may offend you._

_But no matter who you are, you MUST REMEMBER this one thing:_

_No matter what the Phantom tells you,_

_There is no SEX in his Creepy Lair O' Music._

_NONE._

(back to Piangi and the orchestra)

Piangi:

_Oooh...No sex in the Phantom's Lair.._

_No Sex in the Phantom's Lair_

_No,No Sex in the Phantom's Lair_

_No Sex in the Phantom's Lair_

_Erik can't get none..He can't get none!_

_Said in the Phantom's Lair!_

_Said there's absolutely positively_

_No Sex in the Lair O' Music!_

_Said Noo-ooo-oh!Noo-ooo-oh!_

_Said the Authoress.._

_Who also can't get none..._

_Noo-ooo-oh!_

_No Sex in the Lair O' Music!_

B-B: _**NONE.**_

_The lights and sounds return to normal, and the audience blinks for a second. Erik clenches his fists around catgut._

B-B: Umm...Bye!

_She disappears through the gaping plothole from whence she came, but pops back through to pay the orchestra and Piangi for their services, huggle Erik while saying "SQUEE", high-five Meg, slap Christine, pull Raoul's hair, and kiss Nadir. Then she returns to her own little world._

Erik: So...who wants to "mount a protest" with me about this in my Lair O'Music!

_Everyone at home and in the phic raises their hand._

Erik: (saucer eyes) Um...Wow.

_THE END...I hope._


End file.

Phantom of the Opera, Humor, Parody