Mass Effect 1. Chapter 1

Psycho Effect

I don't own Bioware.

**My first attempt at a crack fic**

**I was driving down the highway this morning when a thought struck me: What if Cerberus had spent a year bringing Shepard back to life…only to find that he wasn't Shepard? Or to be precise, what would Miranda do to the idiot that allowed this to happen? Set just before the events of Mass Effect Redemption, if ME Redemption took place a year after Shepard actually died.**

Miranda Lawson had a headache, a migraine thumping through her skull when she was called to the main lab.

"Well, this is it, the big moment," Frederick van Haussen rubbed his hand together in glee as Miranda, Jacob and Wilson gathered around the operating table. The Swedish doctor had an enormous grin on his face as he beckoned his colleagues/employers closer. "After a year of research and operating, we have successfully brought Commander Shepard back to life."

"Are you sure this is Shepard?" Wilson took a closer look at the unconscious man on the table, the compared the face to the picture he had in his hand. "He doesn't look much like he did on the newsreels."

"Bah! What would you know? I tell you, I carefully picked his body from the ones you recovered after extensive testing on his DNA to make sure he was really Shepard," Haussen picked up a syringe and injected the contents into the neck of the subject. "Bare in mind, he has also just died and been brought back to life. I imagine that you would not look so good if that happened to you, eh Miss Lawson?"

Miranda didn't answer, she just stared at the now shifting eyelids of Commander Shepard. There had been a furious scramble by Cerberus, the Alliance and several mercenary groups to secure the bodies of the Normandy crew. Cerberus had ended up with most of them, and Doctor Van Haussen had been paid exorbitant sums of money to identify the body and bring the charred hunk of flesh back to life. She hoped it had been worth it. Her headache agreed, whining in pain born of not enough sleep, too many hours working, and a slightly guilty conscience.

Months of precision surgeries, careful reconstruction of the neural pathways, reinforcing the skeleton and skin with cybernetic implants, over two billion credits poured into one human being. Add to that the stress of being the head operative of the Lazarus Cell, being personally responsible for every report sent to the Illusive Man, every piece of equipment, every security wall that they had in place. Her relationship with Jacob had paid the price, as had her sleeping patterns. It might not be so bad if she were actually working with people on her level. While Jacob was good company and a good sparring partner, he didn't even approach her intellectual plain. Wilson was brilliant, but far too chatty for her to consider working with him again. He'd get a nice bonus in his paycheck and a quiet lab for his personal R&D projects. And Van Haussen? He was an asshole who she frequently caught staring at her ass. But now it was done, and Miranda was bloody glad for that.

The eyes of the man on the table slowly flickered open. He stared around, taking in the situation, and then screamed long and loud.

"Commander Shepard, calm down," Miranda placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, you're safe."

"NO I'M NOT!" the man kept screaming. "ONE SECOND I WAS IN ENGINEERING, AND THEN THE HULL EXPLODED!"

"Don't worry, everything's fine…engineering?" Miranda's heart sank to her high heels. "Commander Shepard, the report states that you were on the bridge before being spaced."

"No, it was engineering," wide green eyes stared back up at her. "And why are you calling me Shepard? My name's Blake, Serviceman 2nd Class Kristopher Blake."

"Blake?" the normally confident and clear voice of the Cerberus Operative became incredibly soft. "Not Shepard, you're sure?"

"Of course I am," Blake stared around, finally beginning to calm down. "I'm on a hospital ship aren't I? The rescue teams got to us in time didn't they?"

Miranda turned around and stared at van Haussen, the doctor smiled weakly, and then began a series of fearful stuttering. "Well, parts of Shepard's DNA must have gotten mixed up in his system during all the confusion in the body retrieval. It was an easy mistake to make. Please, we now have all the knowledge we need to bring Shepard back, we only need to find his body."

Lawson considered screaming to the rooftops about how Cerberus did not pay for mistakes or failures. But she kept herself calm, 'Remember, you control the impulses, they don't control you,' her brain tried to calm the blood and adrenaline coursing through her system. She began speaking again, her voice mechanical. "I understand Doctor, come with me, we'll talk about how we can rectify this mistake. I've always admired you for your steadfast dedication and reliability, now…"

Jacob, Wilson and Blake watched, mesmerized as Miranda escorted the tall Swede out of the medical lab. For a moment there was silence, then for the next five minutes, all they could here was the sound of agonized screams, the rasping noise of a knife being drawn and finally, a series of short, sharp gunshots. Miranda re-entered the room, her black and white jumpsuit now soaked in bright red blood. She met the gazes as she returned a pistol to her holster.

"Despite my insisting that this would not end the Lazarus Project, Doctor van Haussen was so overcome by shame at his mistake that he decided to break his kneecaps, toes and ankles, tear out his Achilles heels, the remove his tongue, sexual and reproductive organs with a knife, cave in his ribcage, cut his own spinal cord, puncture his lungs and eardrums, gouge out his eyes, rip all his hair out by the roots, then biotically remove most of the skin from his body, while breaking most of his remaining bones. Then he shot himself twelve times in the chest and head," Miranda calmly picked up a towel and began wiping herself down.

"Oh…" Jacob's dark skin had paled slightly, Serviceman Blake was paralyzed with fear and Wilson was whimpering. A bright smile lit up Miranda's face, the headache that had been plaguing her had finally vanished, she was blessedly free of any pain.

"Now, here is how we are going to handle this," Miranda tossed aside the now bloody rag. "While I go write up a report for the Illusive Man, you Jacob will get in contact with our men on Omega and begin enquiries as to who exactly has Shepard's body. Wilson, you will organize a cleanup crew for Doctor van Haussen, then arrange a memory erase for our friend here. Ship him back to the Alliance, implant memories of escaping from slavers if you have to. Jacob, in one hour, you will meet me in my quarters, bring chocolate and some Blue Label whiskey."

A stunned silence settled over the room as Miranda swaggered outside, stepping daintily across the remains of the former Doctor. Wilson finally spoke. "Did she just…?"

"Snap?" Jacob nodded, gulping slightly. Operative Miranda Lawson, top Cerberus Operative, had just psychotically murdered a human being in cold blood.

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"Ah, Commander, Jack just went to have a little talk with Miranda," Joker's voice reached Shepard's ears. "Could you stop them before they tear out a bulkhead?"

Shepard sprinted down the hall, hopefully he could get to the XO's office before any major damage or injury occurred. When the door opened, he was astonished at the sight before him. Jack and Miranda were sitting at the desk, drinking some of the Cerberus officer's private reserves straight out of the bottle. Jack nodded at him, smiling a bloody grimace past her injuries. Miranda didn't look much better, but was equally cheerful.

"S'okay," Jack's voice was slurred. "We worked it out, turns out we got more in common than I first thought.

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**Again, my first attempt at something humorous, something to let out the writing energy in my brain while I work on the next chapter of Where Eagles Dare.**


	2. Mid Life Crisis

Psycho Effect

Chapter Two: Mid Life Crisis

I don't own Bioware

**EXECUTIVE OFFICER'S QUARTERS**

**NORMANDY SR-2**

**AFTER HORIZON**

"Miranda, we need to talk, why didn't the Illusive Man..." Shepard paused as he entered the office. "Why are you wearing glasses?"

Miranda looked up from her keyboard. Indeed, she was wearing a set of horn rimmed glasses with thick lenses. Not only that, her normally flowing hair was done up in a conservative pony tail and scrunchie.

"Oh, hello Commander. Yes, well, since I never get taken on missions, I spend most of my time doing paperwork, so my eyes started hurting." Miranda explained matter of factly. "And my hair was just getting in the way, so I borrowed a scrunchie of Goldstein and did it up like this."

"I see," Shepard struggled to keep the confusion out of his voice. "Well, I'll see you later then."

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"Bitch!" Jack stormed into Miranda's quarters. "You and I are going to have a little talk...What the fuck?"

Instead of her skin tight jumpsuit, Miranda was now dressed in an old rugby jersey with the word 'WALLABIES' printed on the front, a set of tracksuit pants, and while her feet were usually encased in stiletto heels, now they were bare and her knees were tucked up into her chest.

"Oh, hey Jack," Miranda said cheerfully. "What can I do for you?"

"Uhh, I forgot," Jack was flabbergasted. "Something about flaying you alive?"

"Well, why don't we sit down and discuss this like adults?" Miranda spoke sensibly. "Would you like some cookies and milk? They're choc-chip and I baked them this morning."

"Ahhh, sure, I guess?"

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Tali strode into the mess hall. "Alright, which one of you bosh'tets owns this!" she demanded, holding up a small ginger furred cat, looking very scared. "I found him in the engine room. He nearly got fried by the pulse from the core."

Miranda dashed out of her quarters and grabbed the cat with a squeal. "Oh, there you are Mr. Pursnikkety! Oh, Mummy's been so worried."

"He's...yours?" Tali questioned, shocked out of her mind.

"Oh yes," Miranda stroked the cat, who purred contentedly. "Since I'm not buying make up anymore, I had enough to afford him. Thanks for bringing him back Tali. I owe you girlfriend."

"You're...welcome?" Tali spoke to Miranda's back as the woman ran back into her room, cooing baby talk to her cat.

Jack spat out the mouthful of burger she was chewing through. "Fuck it, I miss the old cheerleader."

"Indeed," Mordin scratched his head. "While Miss Lawson looks twenty five, is closer to fifty. With Mr. Taylor engaged in sexual relations with Miss Goto, and Commander Shepard staying faithful to Liara, and not taking her on any missions, Miss Lawson has prematurely developed a mid-life crisis."

"How do we snap her out of this?" Samara demanded. All of the Normandy's women were currently in the Mess Hall, the Chick Code required them to aid Miranda in her time of need.

"Alcohol would be good, making her feel sexy again would be better, getting her 'laid' with an attractive human male would probably be the best option," Mordin nodded. "But in her current state, rehabilitation might take weeks, months..."

Kasumi pulled a portable make-over kit from a hidden compartment on her body-suit. She headed toward the XO's quarters. "I got this."

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**ONE HOUR LATER**

"Hey Gardner, what's for dinner?" Shepard, Joker and Zaeed strolled into the Mess Hall.

"Got some real Boston Chowder for you," Gardner passed the bowl to Shepard. "Your favourite."

"Thanks Sergeant," Shepard lifted the bowl to his face, closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.

Opening his eyes, he dropped the bowl with a smash. Kasumi, Jack, Samara, Kelly, Tali were walking out of Miranda's quarters, all of them dressed up for a night on the town. But it was Miranda that caused Shepard's shock. Gone was the scrunchie and jersey. Her hair framed her face, done up in dark make up, her lips were coated in luscious black lipstick. For clothing, she wore a black halter top that showed so much cleavage, Shepard almost didn't need his imagination to picture the rest. The top showed her bare midriff, and there was a large gap between the top and the miniskirt on her waist. Knee high boots with six inch stiletto heels completed the outfit.

She still wore glasses, but they were sleek, chic and just added to the sex appeal.

"Hello Commander," the girlish lilt to her voice was gone. It had been replaced by a dark timbre that sent so many shivers up his spine, his senses almost overloaded.

"Hey Miranda," he stuttered as she stalked toward the elevator, an alluring sway in her hips.

Turning back to his friends, Shepard was not surprised to see Gardner and Zaeed writhing on the floor in the grips of cardiac arrest, Joker was screaming after having fainted and broken most of his bones on the floor.

"DOCTOR CHAKWAS!"

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**NEXT MORNING**

"MIRANDA!" Shepard stormed into her quarters. "You better have a damn good explanation why you're not ready to...what the..."

"Good morning sir," Miranda hastily pulled the covers up over herself. "You know Staff Commander Alenko don't you?"

"Hey Shepard," Kaidan grinned from the bed. "I decided to join you after all."

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A/N: There was a scene on 30 Rock where Tina Fey starts having a mid-life crisis, dresses in old hockey uniforms and buys a cat. It inspired me.


End file.

Mass Effect, Humor