Bleach 1. Einfuhrung

Author's Note: DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO SAY THAT. THIS SITUATION, I FIND IT VERY NOSTALGIC. So you beeches know about LTG, and if you don't, search the site for "LTG" and get caught up. So this is gonna involve LTG again. I decided to not make it a complete AU for once lawd, but that may change. Also, this is partially based off a true story.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, but I do own LTG. TAAAAAAAAANK, AYO RICK, GUTEN TAG CB, CUAT_TRO, AND ANYONE ELSE WHOM I HAVE NOT MENTIONED BECAUSE I HAVENT SPOKEN TO YOU IN MAD LONG

AWWW HERE IT GOES

_Stability._

_Peace._

_Happiness._

_Friendship._

_Family._

_Kindness._

_Sympathy._

_Empathy._

_Satisfaction._

_Love._

Ideally, these words depicted the core of Soul Society. Any motive or action that threatened any of the above, as appropriately defined, was labeled "a threat to the safety of the people" and immediately dealt with. A source of ease for the inhabitants of the Rukongai district, such hollow terms tended to ease coercion. How they were quantified as well as qualified was not up to the individual but to Seiretei. The Gotei 13 controlled the context at all times. Their way or the highway.

It was the same on Earth as well. Only Seiretei was replaced by Capital cities, Gotei 13 replaced by administrative bodies, shinigami replaced by individual councilmen, representatives, and senators. Failure to abide resulted in penalties for the offender in one of two ways. One way was by the law of the land, scrolls of paper that determined the actions to be "wrong" or going against the longwithstanding contexts held in place. The other was by the people themselves; ostracism was commonplace. Opportunities were denied based on issues such as "public relations," otherwise known as PR. Either way, there was no bending allowed, and any breaks were covered up or isolated as embarrassments to humanity.

This vicious cycle was nothing new. Unfortunately, many had tried and simultaneously failed at bringing about change. Initiatives towards open-mindedness were, in fact, based on the above and netted zero gains, and even losses in certain ways. The main problem was not that there were no people with the attitude to change, but rather with their abilities. One human was never a match for thousands or millions. One shinigami, no matter how powerful, could not overcome all thirteen captains all by himself.

Aizen Sousuke had already understood this scenario for centuries. But he knew what to do. Already with 2 other captains vowing allegiance as well as a growing army of arrancar waiting to hear back from their leader, Aizen knew how to go about changing things. That isn't to say he hadn't tried on his own before. In the Shinigami Training Academy he had searched for like-minded intellectuals. People who thought about things from a new light. Unfortunately his subtle hints were largely unsuccessful, until he met Gin. There was something about Gin's personality that intrigued him (nh). The aloof yet mockingly charismatic persona? Or was it the desire for some action (nh) in an otherwise mundane lifestyle? Regardless, he was a prime candidate.

It didn't hurt that he was powerful as well. Several others were only "skilled" in the strictest sense of the word. Shinji, Ukitake, Yamamoto, and Shunsui, to name a few. Seasoned veterans at being puppets of the Central 46. The common line: "If we don't uphold the laws, who will?" made him laugh. Such short-sighted thinking was rather disappointing, but expected. Aizen was a new breed of an individual. His thought process was drastically different from mainstream logic that even one slip of the tongue would arouse suspicion of his grand plans. That is why he mantained his disgustingly cheery facade.

Urahara, on the other hand, was a different story. A teaching fellow at the Academy during his first year before being promoted to the captaincy almost immediately afterwards, he was one of the Society's brightest individuals. A mind geared for innovation, Aizen held him in high regard over most everyone in Seireitei. He really wanted Urahara to be on his side. He felt there was a connection (nh), but sadly the research captain did not feel like challenging the system, instead hoping to reform it from the inside. That didn't stop him from being flagged in Aizen's mind.

That is why learning of the Hougyoku's existence re-ignited a semblance of pride (nh) for the closest thing Aizen had to an equal. Of course, hiding it in the adopted sister of Byakuya was more of a twist of irony than coincidence in his mind. Of course he detested the Kuchiki clan. The nepotism, strict adherence to laws, and symbol of the current order lay in direct opposition to the fifth squad captain's world-view. There was nothing Aizen would have preferred more than to have someone rip off that Kenseikan, a heirloom representing the old regime, the wrong methodology, the inefficient past.

Kyouka Suigetsu had worked well up until now. They were all his pawns now. Rukia would be leaving for a mission to the Earth in a short while. She would be met by Urahara and given a special gigai to drain her reiatsu and avoid detection.

_All that work for me, Kisuke?_ Aizen sometimes mused to himself. _You're quite the character._

Nightfall was approaching and it was time to embark on something he hadn't done in a while. As he left his quarters, he heard a voice call for him.

"Aizen-taichou!"

Turning around, he saw the frail excuse for a Vice-Captain approaching him. "Hinamori-kun?" he asked.

"Where are you going, Aizen-taichou?" Hinamori returned the favor.

_Pathetic._

"I have some errands to take care of, Hinamori-kun," he responded with a good-natured grin. "Please watch over the division while I am gone."

"You'll be back soon right?" the dependent subordinate reacted.

"Of course," he assured her. And with that she said her goodbye and shunpo'd away.

_There's no comparison. _Gin was a much better vice-captain (nh). But having someone so infatuated with him made for an important voucher of sorts, and Hinamori had dutifully accomplished this role.

And with that he made his way to the rendezvous point.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Yo, Aizen-taichou."

There he was, leaning against a wall outside the tenth division entrance, that fox-like grin ever-present.

Aizen smirked. "What's with the '-taichou', Gin? You're in good company."

"And what were you doing here?" he added as an afterthought, knowing full well what happened. A faint "Heh" was the only response.

The combined reiatsu of these two had enough power to wipe out Soul Society several times over. And yet they seemed so relaxed around each other (nh).

True, Aizen was at times apprehensive of some of Gin's extracurriculars, but he never made much of a big deal over it. There were far more pressing matters at hand too.

"Look...I don't care what you think about that woman, one thing remains certain: we're hitting up IHOP."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Walking a bit, they pretended to discuss how their squads were doing. Izuru was progressing along further than they had thought. Not like they cared though. And as they were about to take their leave, they came across the one and only....

"Kuchiki Rukia, where are you going? Ukitake-taichou would not approve of you shirking duties, would he?"

Rukia looked rather annoyed at him. Of course Aizen didn't care, and he knew the look was also reserved for Gin.

"I am heading back home for the day, Aizen-taichou," she replied in an exasperated tone.

"Oh? Why don't you join us in the human world tonight?" he asked her, a serious look on his face.

"W-What is the meaning of this? What could you two want to do with me?" the noble asked, the anger hiding below the surface. Why were they mocking her today? It had been very stressful getting owned in training today. She wasn't as skilled as other people said she was and was feeling ashamed of herself for such a pitiful performance. Even her kidou failed hard today. Things were just not going well at all, and to top it off Ukitake-taichou was too sick to say something to make her feel better.

"We're going to a restaurant in the human world, to observe these people in their natural habitat. We can get you a gigai if you'd like..." he trailed off, thinking about Urahara once more (nh).

"Um...no thanks, I've had a rough day," she responded.

"Ahhh but Rukia-chan!" Gin interrupted. "It's Tuesday night! Kids get to eat for free!"

"Oooooh burn!" Rukia sarcastically retorted before walking past them both, hoping this hellish day would be over with.

The two remained where they were, motionless.

"Gin..." Aizen said after a while, barely holding in his amusement.

"Yeah?"

"Nice...."

And so the two exited to the human world. FUCKIN' GAME TIME.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Stay up on this ish.

NH = figure out for yourself.

And this is where things will pick up.


	2. Jetzt gehen wir!

Author's Note: Lol another chapter. You fgts have to let me know if you want a more AU setting or not. I can change it...YOU CAN HAVE WHATEVER YOU LIKE, YEEEEAHHH.

Nightfall had overcome the city. The streets had already risen to life and the hustle and bustle had begun, yet it wasn't game time just yet.

"You do know we're taking a detour, right?" Aizen asked his associate, who promptly nodded upon questioning.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"...and so we need you to join us," he addressed his subordinates in a cavernous and poorly-lit enclosure, better known as Aizen's throne room in Las Noches. He had just shocked his Espada with the recent news.

"YEAHHHHHHHH!" Grimmjow yelled while skipping through the air. "IHOP! IHOP! IHOP! IHOP! IHOP!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. Eventually he sonido'd to right in front of Aizen and held his hand up.

One thought ran through everyone else's mind: _Cero...what a fool._

Much their surprise, Aizen held out his own hand for the Sexta Espada to smack with unprecedented fervor.

"WE'RE GOIN TO IHOP! I'M GOIN GOIN BACK BACK TO IHOP IHOP!" he screamed, that lustful grin on his face.

"Man SHUT YA BITCH ASS UP," Yammi bellowed at the top of his lungs, hoping to start a fight. Ever since the teal-eyed arrancar told him he was filthy and that he stank, the tenth sword had the urge to kill him, even though he knew he couldn't.

"What's so special about this place? And why are we eatin' pathetic human food?" Nnoitra asked.

"FUCK YOU PANCAKES ARE AWESOME," Zomari suddenly burst out in a rare fit of rage.

"They're delicious," Halibel added before smacking Nnoitra in the back of his head.

"Ooooh," Szayel noticed. "Halibel has a backhand like Marion Bartoli..."

"That's not true bitch," Noitora snarled before facing Halibel and pointing a finger at her. "And you not from France."

A flare of reiatsu silenced the bickering crew, which promptly turned its attention back to Aizen.

"Now then...let's go."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As they entered the facility, Ulquiorra spoke up. "Won't we be detected by the shinigami?"

"Stop being such an emo fag my dude." Grimmjow hated hazas and herbs. In his eyes, Schiffer was both.

"Nonsense," Aizen replied. "They won't be in a position to look for us."

"Yeah," Gin added. "I spiked their sake with clorox," he finished with another stretched grin.

Upon entering the group noticed a suspicious-looking cashier standing behind the register.

"Welcome to I-HOP" he said in his thickly accented voice. "How many people?"

"Twelve, please." Aizen decided to handle this.

"Oh man, big group? Are you from here?"

"Perhaps...could you direct us to our tables please..." Aizen looked at the man's namecard.

"...Su?"

The paki in question nodded. "Yes sir, right this way."

The twelve seated themselves along three tables, Aizen and Gin seated across from each other (nh) while the Espada arranged themselves in a fashion similar to their Hueco Mundo seating arrangements.

"IHOP's the shit yo," Grimmjow said in excitement, opening his menu. He already knew what he was ordering.

"Anything off the senior menu for you, Barragan?" Aizen asked the otherwise silent Espada.

"Nothing, I'm not in the mood. I don't know why you young people drag me here like this..."

"Because," Aizen responded. "This is more than just a casual dinner. I have much to discuss-"

"Yello amigos," a voice came from behind. Everyone shifted their attention to the beefy illegal wearing an IHOP apron with pen and notepad in hand. "Mi nombre es Kevin and I am your server today, what would you like para beber?"

------------------------------------------------

READ AND REVIEW AND ANYTHIN ELSE YOU WANNA TELL ME TELLME COZ I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS SHOULD BE SEMI-CANON OR JUST AU AS IN AUBURN OR GOLD


	3. Abendessen A

Author's Note: Lawl, next chapter

Disclaimer: still the same as before.

"GET ME A DOCTOR PEPPER," Nnoitra yelled, still tight over getting bitched earlier. Everyone else requested water.

"Is that all for now noobs?" the wetback asked, this time in an unaccented tone. While it came as a surprise that he could speak proper English, the e-hardness emanating from him was unexpected.

"We need more time to order please," Aizen casually replied before briefly perusing the menu. Double Blueberry pancakes were always the prime option. Couple this with a Chicken Fajita Omelette and he had the ultimate combo. Unfortunately, the last time they'd come here Grimmjow had copped all the blueberries...in addition to the Espada's own order of Double Blueberry. He decided to block out that less-than-amusing memory and instead snap his menu shut.

"What are you having, Gin?" he asked his partner (nh).

"I'm feelin' them kofi cakes to go along with a chicken sandwich!" Gin exclaimed, well aware (and disappointed) that IHOP didn't serve waffle fries.

Stark sat there with his immutably bored expression, knowing full well what would happen. They would wait twenty minutes after ordering before eating, during which Aizen would discuss something of relative importance before he and Gin departed for Soul Society while the rest of them went back to Hueco Mundo to wait for their leader. No lulz or anything remotely exciting on the agenda.

In front of him sat Le Roux, who was salivating with a stupid grin on his face whilst looking at the numerous burgers he could order. Occasionally he could be heard mumbling something along the lines of "accept my love…" to his menu.

To his left was a fuming Nnoitra nursing his injured pride while arguing with Halibel.

"What's wrong with the Breakfast Sampler?!!"

"Why would you order that at a time like this…?"

"What's your point?"

"You're an idiot…"

"Hold your tongue bitch, before I elbow ya in yer mouf."

"…I pity your elbow."

To his right was the reserved Ulquiorra glancing down at his menu, ready to order the usual: International Passport, Deutsch style. Across from Ulquiorra was the diametrically opposed persona of Grimmjow, who was going to OD on the blueberries again.

"This is the good shit right here, DBP with a steak omelette," the Panther said aloud to no one in particular.

Stark sighed in exasperation. Personally, he was about to have some chocolate chip pancakes with scrambled eggs. How boring.

Feeling the time was right, Aizen flagged down the waiter.

"We're ready to order, Kev-"

"My name is Vic you noob," came the harsh reply.

"Eh?" Gin looked at the tag. "But yer name is-"

"No that's my IRL name. I have an online handle that is so awesome and allows me to live up to my quality flaming potential," the chunky Mexican responded. The sheer awkwardness of the comment forced everyone to facepalm in embarrassment.

"Someone's been playin' too much Halo…" Grimmjow offhandedly remarked.

"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude, Halo's for nooooooooooooooobs. Get Call of Duty," came the reply in that same nasal, pretentious voice.

"Anyway," Aizen continued. "We're placing our orders."

And so they did. Aizen made sure to add additional blueberries to his pancakes in the event that Grimmjow tried to cop some again. Out of pure gluttony Yammi ordered 2 of every type of sandwich, and Aaroniero and Szayel refused to eat anything.

As the overweight fgt left, Aizen spoke up.

"As I'm sure you're all aware, everything is going according to plan. In a few days, Kuchiki Rukia will be going to the human world to overlook Karakura Town. As soon as the time comes, she will be retrieved by officers from the Gotei 13, whereby her death sentence will be imminent. The Hougyoku will be retrieved upon her execution, los tres grandes shall join you in Las Noches."

"Awwwww shit, that fruity justice faggot too?" Grimmjow groaned. Not like he was racist or anything, he just felt Tousen was a bigger hypocrite than ten Obamas combined. "The path I walk is justice," he mocked the 9th division captain. "What kind of ignorant bull-"

"Grimmjow," Aizen, who was sitting next to Ulquiorra, fixed his gaze upon the Sexta. "While I understand your feelings towards Kaname..."

"No homo."

"…please refrain from insulting him in the absence of his presence," he finished, eliciting a grunt from the dissenter.

"Aizen…"

"Yes, Halibel?" he turned his attention to the Tercera Espada.

"Any timetable for how long this will all take?"

"It should not take more than two or three months."

"What the fuck are we supposed to do till then?" Nnoitra angrily cried.

"Silence, Nnoitra," Ulquiorra cut in. "Show some respect."

"You wait," their leader answered. "Or get Call of Duty and level up," he added for lulz.

"Aizen," Yammi began. "You are…the poster child…for ADD."

"And you're the poster child for liposuction…" Szayel muttered under his breath.

"HEY I HEARD THAT-" Yammi began, only to be cut off by his favorite smell. "FOOOOOOOOOOOOD!"

"Here you go noobs," Vic approached the tables, clad in a dainty blue apron (nh), arms filled with plates of food, due in part to Yammi's dietary ambitions.

"Steak Omelette with double blueberry pancakes." Vic handed out the final dishes to the impatient Grimmjow.

He said, "Thanks bitch, where the mustard go?" before smacking that beaner in the back of his head.

"Where's the other guy?" Grimmjow asked Aizen. "Ya know, the one who once hit you up with the ill DBP in under 4 minutes?"

"Mah man doesn't have Tuesday shifts," Gin interrupted. "Or else we'd be done with these 'cakes by now."

Everyone who had ordered something went to work on their food.

Aizen dissected his Chicken Fajita, deep in thought over many things. Would the plan work as he had envisioned? The pieces were in place, but there were obviously situations outside of his control. While Kyouka Suigetsu could do a lot, it couldn't make people stop acting homotional. If anyone ever discovered that pure, unadulterated homotionality was his Achilles' heel then he might have a real reason to start worrying. Until then, he could continue manipulating those nerds as he saw fit.

Right now, obtaining Hougyoku was the main objective. He needed to obtain the "crumbling treasure" in order to begin his reign of lulz. Being so straight-laced and conforming to the ideas of a backwards society wasn't his thing. While most progressive worlds detested the idea of a single ruler presiding over all issues, Aizen had a plan to make it work. Progressivism for someone at his level never involved listening to the mindless masses anyway. Whether to give them menial "life ambitions" to look towards or just wipe them all out, he was still unsure of. It's not that he was afraid of slaughter similar to what would soon take place within the Central 46, it's that he didn't care. In the end he'd probably flip a coin to see what he wanted to do.

He mentally laughed at how things were playing themselves out, and wondered what kind of person he would be in the human world. Maybe he would have been a MacArthur fellow or even a Nobel laureate. Or maybe he would have created his own accolade to reward those who could live up to his lofty standards. The Aizen Award. He liked the sound of that.

He was so engrossed in his thoughts that he failed to notice that all those blueberries had, once again, been copped. What was the point in ordering extra?

"Thish blooberish ish shome goodshish," the offender replied through a mouthful of berry and buttermilk goodness, forcing Aizen to close his eyes in defeat.

"You're welcome, Grimmjow."

NEXT TIME ON AaGGtIHOP:

-The power of dish

-R^2 (Rukia's Reaction…or something else?)

-stella (underj00rumbrella, nh)

-METAL GEAR?!

ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF AaGGtIHOP (lawl sounds more like a genotype I know)


	4. Abendessen B und die Solide Schlange

Author's Note: Back to the grind, chapter 4. IMPLIED AIZENXHALIBEL IF YOU SQUINT, READ BETWEEN THE LINES, SMOKE A BAG OF METH AND ARE A WOOMAN/FANGIRL/DIRTBAG/ETC.

Disclaimer: Fuck Plagiarism.

_Meanwhile, back in Seiretei…_

He never understood their desire for human food. While it couldn't kill them, there was no point. No logic behind it, at least as far as he could tell. What kind of grand plan did Aizen have for IHOP?

Tousen contemplated these tangential musings as he sat at his desk in the 9th division office filling out forms and signing documents and whatnot. Such bureaucratic work did not fit his expectations of what a shinigami of his level should do. That isn't to say he agreed with the prevailing notion of how the peace was to be kept. This infuriating idea that Soul Society was inherently better than Hueco Mundo based on the concept of self-determination of good versus evil was something he would never understand. What of equality? Did the hollows deserve this treatment because they lacked guidance?

It all seemed so hypocritical until Aizen had approached him about his plan for a better life for all. While the fifth division captain would oversee all in Heaven, Tousen would have his own role in all of this.

**First black prez**

**Aint that nice,**

**Im in the highest office thats right!**

**Now I can do whatever I like**

**Now I can do whatever I like**

**yeahhhh**

**So what Im half black and half white**

**So what I fist bump with my wife**

**Man, I can do whatever I like**

**I can do whatever I like**

**McCain I thought that you knew**

**By debate number two**

**That I was gonna win and there was nothing**

**That you could do**

**You got so upset by the third debate**

**I swear to god I think I saw tear,**

**LOOK**

**I picked Joe Biden**

**Now this ones riding**

**Long as yall got me you wont need nobody**

**You want it I got it**

**Propose it, Ill sign it**

**Tell them republicans BE QUIET**

Yamamoto was the symbol of that order he detested. The senseless elitism, the refusal to consider what rules they were enforcing. After all, they were merely policemen doing the bidding of the Royal Court. But why couldn't people like the Captain Commander see the contradictions himself?

Joining forces with Aizen would change that. The paradoxes would dissolve, the wrongful order would crumble, and true justice would reign supreme. And he would be a part of that revolution, leading the way in reform.

**First black prez**

**Aint that nice,**

**Im in the highest office thats right!**

**Now I can do whatever I like**

**So what Im half black and half white**

**So what I fist bump with my wife**

**Man I can do whatever I like**

**Man I can do whatever I like**

**Palin was the hottest**

**MESS that ran for office**

**She spoke so odd**

**Couldve swore it was a comic skit.**

**She got people excited**

**But still she couldnt stop this**

**I won all three debates**

**If you got it Then you got it!**

**Now im trying to put money back in your wallet**

**So as I fix this financial crisis**

**Theres a long list**

**Of things I really gotta fix**

**Like no more shady healthcare**

**YOU can get what I get.**

**My country can have what it wants.**

**McCain can have a seat and think about what he did wrong**

**I know you aint never have a prez like that**

**That gives amazing speeches then turns around and raps!**

**I picked Joe Biden**

**Now this ones riding**

**Long as yall got me you wont need nobody**

**You want it I got it**

**Propose it, Ill sign it**

**Tell them republicans BE QUIET**

When he considered what he would be leaving behind in the coming months, a deeper motive surfaced. His only friend here was a fox on steroids…it was time for a fresh start. Maybe he'd find Arrancar to befriend in Hueco Mundo, although he'd already had bad experiences with unruly people whom he felt were to blame for the current crisis, such as that foul-mouthed Grimmjow.

**First black prez**

**Aint that nice,**

**Im in the highest office thats right!**

**Now I can do whatever I like**

**I can do whatever I like**

**So what Im half black and half white**

**So what I fist bump with my wife**

**Man I can do whatever I like**

**Man I can do whatever I like**

**Im talking Black prez rides**

**And black prez ice**

**Fo at least the next fo years thats tight**

**Americas upset**

**And Im just right**

**Time to put this black pres in yo life**

**THATS RIGHT**

**I picked Joe Biden**

**Now this ones riding**

**Long as yall got me you wont need nobody**

**You want it I got it**

**Propose it, Ill sign it**

**Tell them republicans BE QUIET**

"_Can something like this really work?" he questioned his colleague. Such a plan of epic proportions was bound to fail, right? There were too many roadblocks, from fending off the other captains to obtaining the King's Key. _

"_Are you worried, Kaname?" _

_  
"I don't understand how we can overcome so many forces working against us. And can we really trust the Arrancar?" the ninth squad leader inquired._

"_Leave the speculation to me and follow through with what I'm asking of you and things will work out. As for the Arrancar, the same goes for them. They'll be fine as long as they do what they're told."_

"_Right. I'm sorry for doubting you, Aizen-taichou," Kaname replied._

"_Do not fear the unknown, Kaname. While things will be different in the near future, this is change you can believe in."_

Tousen stood up to leave Aizen's quarters. He was just about to exit through the door when he heard his name again. Slowly he turned around.

"_Aizen-taichou?"_

"_Whenever you have doubts, remember this carefully…" he looked straight into his associate's useless eyes._

"_Yes we can."_

**First black prez**

**Aint that nice,**

**Im in the highest office thats right!**

**Now I can do whatever I like**

**So what Im half black and half white**

**So what I fist bump with my wife**

Before he knew it he had finished his paperwork, free from any obligations for the day.

**Now I can do whatever I like, yeahhhh**

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now eating a blueberry-deficient DBP, Aizen was not one to be fux'd with right now. The same couldn't be said for his right-hand man.

"My my, these kofi 'cakes hit the spot!" he said with great joy. "Care to try some, Ulquiorra?"

"Nein danke, ich möchte lieber meine Pfannkuchen essen."

"Ok," Gin shrugged the German off. "Suit yerself!"

Bearing witness to the numerous discussions, Stark silently ate his eggs while thinking of when this would be over with. After all, a powerful Espada such as himself had to get mo sleeps. Realizing that he might as well make the most of this time, he decided to strike up some conversation with the giant sitting across from him.

"So, Zom-"

"WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT MOTHAFUCKA?" Zomari slammed his hands on the table and stood up, thereby causing everyone else to look at the commotion.

After someone yelled "Sit down, cunt" he was able to calm himself down and bow his head in shame.

"I apologize for my rudeness. I don't like to be interrupted while eating," the Seventh quietly stated, refusing to look at the other.

"Ok then…" Stark closed his lids. He could still see the borough, he could still see the bridge.

Meanwhile, Grimmjow had just finished his meal (plus copped blueberries, no doubt) and was looking for the next bout of craziness for the night. All he needed was the order and he'd be ready.

"Grimmjow," came the commanding voice. "Are you done with your food?"

His eyes widened and his heartbeat spiked. Slowly nodding, he awaited further instructions.

"Then you may go on your rape run," Aizen finished.

"YEEEEEEEE!" Grimmjow yelled out of pure joy, ready to kiss his master (NH).

And then he was gone.

"Oh, ya let him go on one o' those despite stealin' yo food?"

"Relax, Gin." Aizen took a swig of that polar protic solvent with a pKa of 15.7. "For his personality, concave rape is just what the doctor ordered."

"I guess yer right. Sometimes ya just gotta do the damn thing!"

Aizen didn't hear this, however. He was too busy engaging in deep intellectual queries. His line of sight now drifted to the rambunctious Nnoitra.

"I need to get the fuck back to Las Noches ASAP," he said to anyone who would listen. Looking at Halibel he added, "you wouldn't understand, you're a wooman after all."

"As a matter of fact, I do. You need to find your Cocteau Twins CDs, am I right?"

"BITCH DON'T BRING ROBIN GUTHRIE INTO THIS."

The frustrated Quinta got up to go to the bathroom. On his way he saw a family of four enjoying a hearty meal, a little kid enjoying some banana pancakes. Either for the hell of it or because he was pissed off a bit he knocked over that little kid's pancakes.

"Sorry lil bitch," he said with a great deal of venom.

None of that was a concern for Aizen. He was thinking about the parallels between his life and an alternate one in which he would never know these people, save Halibel. She reminded him of someone…but who it was, he couldn't quite remember.

So he thought harder.

"_Who are you?"_

"_My name is Fortune. I use up my luck on the battlefield." She brought the rail gun's sight up to her eye._

_  
"Even the Grim Reaper has given up on me…Hurry! Kill me, please."_

_Snake hid behind a collection steel crates. There was no way he could take that thing on with his USP. If he could maybe get a shot off while she wasn't looking, he might be able to get past her._

Quickly he jumped out to his right, only to watch her charge up a shot. He immediately hid behind the larger crates as she fired away. A gaping hole had been left in the crate he had just been standing behind.

_Fortune moved to her left, yelling, "Kill me Now!" before reloading and taking another shot. Just as the top box exploded he was able to duck, although he did feel the heat from the blast._

_Quickly he stood up and started firing relentlessly at her…only to find them __**deflecting**__ away from her, as if guided by an imaginary force field. All they did was sail over her head and hit the elevator behind her. _

_He went on the move again as she had fired another shot. This time she was aiming for the ceiling, knocking down ceiling lights in an attempt to crush Snake, who quickly somersaulted out of the way and hid behind another cubic set of eight crates._

"_Hahahaha what are you waiting for, KILL ME NOW!" she couldn't see him._

_Snake leapt out to take a few more shots, even though he knew it was no use._

"There you are!" 

_She started firing at him, knocking over/obliterating an impeding forklift. In the midst of the explosion Snake rolled to another set of crates on the opposite side of the hangar._

"_Hahahaha," she cackled in delight. There was no way he was escaping her alive._

_She fired at where his head should be, only to see him leap out from the barricade shooting at her from a crouched position._

_Steadily she began her advance on him as he continued to fire shots._

_Deciding to have some fun, she started destroying the entire place. More lights fell, and eventually half of the ceiling came crashing to the ground._

"Aizen?"

Snapped out of his reverie, the man in question snapped his attention back to Gin.

"Ready ta rollbounce?"

"Sure. Excuse me, Vic…" the quality flamer made his way to them. "We're ready for the check.

"Sure thing noob."

Standing up, Aizen addressed the rest of his crew.

"You're all free to return to Las Noches…" one by one, they disappeared until Halibel and Aaroniero were the last to go.

"…except for you, Halibel."

The Novena Espada, who had been quiet this whole time, lifted his mask to reveal the face of Bender Rodriguez.

"Oh. You're boned."

-----------------------------------------------------------

They had left the hallowed halls of IHOP. As a reward for the excellent if unconventional service Aizen had left a 20% tip and a forged Greencard for "Vic."

The three of them had been walking up JFK Street for a good minute before Aizen stopped and turned around to face Halibel.

"Is there something you need to tell m-?"

"I don't know what your story is," he began in a rough and uncharacteristically raspy voice. "But let's get one thing straight.:

"…"

"I didn't kill your father."

NEXT TIME ON AaGGTIHOP:

-power of dish (for realz, and I aint talking bout no soap dish either)

-maybe stella, he/she/it was scratched from this chapter for reasons known only to the author

-moar lulz (this chapter comes across as relatively dry imo, let me know if I'm forcing the whole song lyrics thing)


	5. Mein Name ist Vermögen

Author's Note: Finals got in the way.

So….FIF CHAP, also PART OF THIS IS CHAPTER IS BASED OFF A TRUE STORY

Disclaimer: I don't own Clorox.

She was confused as hell.

"A-Are you alright?" there was a hint of concern in her voice (nh). What was this talk about killing her father? Was he referring to one of the spirits that was a part of her? Or was he just cracking under pressure? Besides, why would he care about such a small fraction of her being to make such a comment, and in such an unorthodox way?

However, that concern gave way to a burning sensation in the back of her head as she fell to one knee and grabbed her scalp in excruciating pain. Her efforts to suppress this force were betrayed by her constant grunting.

"?" Gin watched this odd standoff, no grin on his face. Even Aizen was visibly affected, as he pointed his zanpakuto like an assault rifle straight at Halibel.

After a while, the grunting stopped. Keeping her face looking at the pavement, she spoke.

"When will you realize that no one believes your lies, Snake?" Standing up again, she looked up at her nemesis with a fierce stare, her deep blue eyes piercing into his chocolate irises.

Gin was now thoroughly confused. "What happen'd to ya Hali?"

"My name is Helena Dolph Jackson." Slowly she unsheathed her zanpakuto from behind her back and pointed it at Aizen.

"My father was a proud soldier." Shockingly enough, or not, she held it like a gun as well; the blade was secured in her left hand and the hilt in her right.

Gin was now scared shitless. Almost.

"When will someone put me out of my misery and give me the beauty rest I deserve?" she asked, clearly in deep anguish.

"You want your beauty rest? I got it right here," Aizen continued in his gruff tone.

"Oh shi-" Gin realized what was going on. Immediately he grabbed Halibel by her throat and threw her to the ground in the cement. People stopped to witness the commotion, murmuring at the developing situation and dialing their cell phones to contact CNN and the police.

Noticing the witnesses he said, "What y'all looking at?!", pulled out a gun and shot it in the air.

Aizen, who'd been in that combative stance for the past few minutes, found himself losing massive amounts of stamina. He tried to regain his composure but it was no use.

Staggering backwards, the captain fell to the floor with a solid 'thud.' Sleep overwhelmed his senses and he knew no more.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"RAPE! RAPE! RAPE! RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!"

Grimmjow flew across the metropolis, destroying numerous skyscrapers with his Ceros. Every time he shot one he would yell "RAPE" at the top of his lungs to indicate what was happening to these towering structures.

True, he could just seek out Arrancar in Hueco Mundo to destroy but that wasn't as much fun. Sometimes they escaped the blast unscathed; occasionally they even fought back. This was definitely more liberating, especially after that additional energy provided by the DBP and Aizen's berries (nh). Although he wondered what would become of his insolence towards "Aizen-sama," the benefits he was reaping now were well worth any punishment his behavior would later warrant. As long as he didn't lose a limb or two over it he'd probably continue in this vein.

Stopping short of a particularly busy street, he decided to charge up an even stronger attack.

"GRAN REY CERO!"

The resulting blast incinerated the entire street as well as any adjacent buildings, leaving nothing but charred concrete. Grimmjow surveyed the ruins with great satisfaction. He didn't trust himself to think about what happened to the people. Eventually they would all become Hollows or aggregate into a Menos, join Aizen's army and…exact revenge? He could just imagine walking around Las Noches, only to meet some bitchmade Arrancar confronting him with "You stupid motherfucker! I hate you! Let's fight!" Of course the idiot would get sonned quickly and Sexta would be all "Bitch go do my laundry, NOW."

He made a valiant effort to suppress his laughter at the scenario.

And failed.

"AH HA HA HA RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!" (1)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aizen awoke to find himself sitting in a chair within the 3rd division office. He had no idea what had happened to him between leaving IHOP and now.

"Awake, eh?"

"Gin…" The BOSS was at a LOSS for words (lol rick)

"Yah you were pretty scurry in the human world!" Gin took a seat behind his desk before raising his legs and placing both feet upon said desk.

"What happened?" Suddenly he remembered who he had been speaking with before he blacked out. "Where's Halibel?"

"Heh," Gin began. "I brought her back to Las Noches. I couldn' tell what was wrong with her but she settled down as soon as she entered Hueco Mundo."

"Interesting...but that doesn't explain why I'm here."

"Well ya were goin' batshit crazy one minute, next minute I come back from puttin' Hali away and I see ya passed out right where I left ya."

"What sort of crazy?" Aizen inquired, feeling slightly uneasy for some reason.

"Well…ya told Hali ya didn' kill her father, then she started flippin' on some beauty rest shit before I was able to take care of her."

Still, the picture was incomplete. For starters, what could have happened to him to start saying something that absurd? And then Halibel responding with something equally bizarre…nothing made sense.  
"How were you able to get her out of there without getting noticed by anyone?"

"Don' be silly Aizen!" Gin put his legs down and proceeded to rest his chin on his hands. " I used the power of dish!"

The aforementioned smiled upon hearing this. "So you finally believe."

"Yah yah, gimme some o' dish!" he brought his fingertips together and constantly moved his hand up and down while keeping his wrist stationary and his palm facing up. Naturally Aizen obliged and performed the same gesture over Gin's own hand, except his fingers were pointed towards the floor. After a mere 6 seconds Aizen broke off the epic moment out of necessity: he was all dished out.

"Oh and…" Gin shoveled into his haori's inner pocket. "I found this on yer head when ya passed out."

A black bandanna.

"Oh? Aizen's eyes widened in shock despite his attempts to maintain an even keel. This was bad news, if it was what he thought.

"It started growin' on ya forehead as soon as ya pulled out yer zanpakuto."

Aizen took a look at the bandanna. Made of a soft fabric not found in this realm, it consisted of a loop (where his head had presumably been) tied to an additional foot of cloth. As soon as he touched it, however, he instantly recoiled as if burned by the texture.

Gin noticed all this; for the first time in as long as he could remember, he saw fear on his duskie's face.

"Wha' happened?"

"It…he…has awoken."

The 3rd squad leader nodded in understanding. "Ya think we should call him out?"

"No," Aizen responded, tapping two fingers against the right side of his neck. "I will address him when we are both ready." (2)

"I have an idea Gin," he decided to change the topic of conversation. "Do you remember what Kuchiki Rukia told you a while back?"

The subordinate's sketchy grin returned as he reminisced on that day.

_It was another one of those moments. Fun for Gin, scary for Rukia. As in, whenever they interacted. This time, Gin decided to ask the fragile noble a different type of question._

_"Rukia-chan, why ya scurred of me?"_

_Rukia was forced to double-take in order to fully grasp the bluntness of the question. Thinking about it for a while, she gave her answer._

_"I'm not scared! You're just so weird!" she defensively lashed out before calming down. "Look, I know I'm chill and just one of the guys and all that good stuff but I'm still a woman after all. Just keep that in mind please."_

_"One of the guys?" Gin mocked her. "That's so cute, Rukia-chan!"_

_"Ugh," Rukia huffed before walking past him. "Whatever…"_

"How could I forget?" he responded, knowing this would be good.

"I have a plan…you'll enjoy this, trust me..." Aizen trailed off, looking in the distance while his sight shifted out of focus.

"…get a laptop, an internet connection, a few DVDs and meet me outside the Kuchiki Manor tomorrow night," he said before shunpo'ing away.

"Aizen!" Gin was completely confused. "A laptop? Internet? How am I supposed to get those? Why do we need 'em DVDs? Aizen?"

Not getting an answer he threw his hands up in defeat.

"Awwwwww here it goes!" (3)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Why ya make me bring all this stuff, Aizen?" They were standing outside the Manor's front entrance with the proper gear.

Gin hadn't seen Aizen all day to ask him what was going on. Unfortunately, Kira was being a homotional faggot as usual so there was no chance to stop by the fifth division. But then again, they hadn't planned to meet until now…

"Simple, Gin. Your conversation with her gave the impression that she is a broski. This possibility me an excellent idea."

"Which is…?"

"We're going to test her (np). Is the laptop working?"

"Yah." Where he had managed to get one from, not even Aizen could guess. "No internet though, but I found a few DVDs."

"Which ones?"

"Dr. Zhivago," Gin began rattling them off as he skimmed through what he had. "A Brief Encounter, A Bridge on the River Quarry: A Lane Night, Hannah and Her Sisters, Interior, Stardust Memories…and Blue Streak."

They mulled over the options for a few minutes before ultimately agreeing on Martin Lawrence. A simple binding spell ("make that shit levitate" were Gin's exact words) set the screen at eyesight level, as they sat on the top step of the patio that led to the front door.

"Excellent," Aizen complimented as he inserted the disc.

The screen faded to black and the opening credits rolled.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Halibull slowly stirred before waking up to find herself inside her bed. Gingerly patting the back of her head, she was still confused over what happened earlier. There were still many questions to be answered: who was that voice inside of her head? Whatever it was, it had her projecting paranoia. Nothing seemed real. Who was she? Why was she fighting for Aizen? What was she doing here?

And then there was that name she had said while under the trance: Helena Dolph Jackson. Who could this person be? For some reason she felt the answer was right under her nose, or rather inside her. Regardless, she wanted to do some fact-checking first, and so she soundlessly got up and left her room.

"Apache," she called out to a member of her fraccion.

"Yes, Halibel-sama?"

"I need you to go to the human world for me to look up something," the Espada responded, drawing a look of confusion on her subordinate's face.

"Ugh," Apache started. "What could you possibly want to do with pathetic hum-" she shut her mouth real fast as Halibel glared back while channeling a burst of reiatsu at her.

"Now then, get me information on the terrorist group known as Dead Cell."

Apache nodded and garganta'd her way to the human realm.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_"AINT NUTTIN BUT A FREE THANG BABY YEAH." These were the words Miles Logan sang as he dawdled out of his cell, ready to pick up whatever he came up with._

_"AHHH free man, believe dat, yeah," as he waited to retrieve his things Miles reminisced on the past 2 years. They'd been brutal, not because he had to fend off becoming "Sweet Cake" as a result of his diminutive stature but rather due to having wait so long to be reunited with the rock. It was only a matter of days before he had 17 million dollars stashed in his pocket. After Deacon had killed Eddie and almost tried to kill him there was no way he was giving that fgt a cut._

_"One belt, one shoelace, one wallet containing 22 dollars," the corrections officer handed back his possessions._

_"One Shoelace?" He was in disbelief. "Yo man you know how much those shoes cost? You- One shoelace? I came in here with two!"_

_He looked up at the balding middle-aged man and grinned._

_"You took my shoelace? You take my shoelace man?" Logan asked through clenched teeth._

_"You got 2 seconds to walk out that door. Sign out and leave my pen."_

_Unphased by this underhanded jab, Miles began writing his name down._

_"Oh I'm signing out. Got places to go, people to see. My lady Janiece…ass. KA-POW!" He kicked his leg out behind him. "I mean it's like that."_

_"What you gonna do with one shoelace? Let me in on the secret," he cocked his head up as if waiting for a response._

_"Floss ya ass? AH HA gotta go." slamming the desk and grabbing his meager belongings the ex-con made for the exit._

_"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"_

_The last door. He was mere steps away and the last public servant was standing between him and freedom._

_"Aw man, where them butt necked hoes at?" he said through intermittent laughter as the door was opened for him. "Ya know? Yeah, let me up outta here."_

_And he was finally on the other side._

_"YES! I'M FREE! I'M FREE AT LAST! GOTTA GO! GOTTA GO GOTTA GO! I'M OUTTA HERE AH H-"_

_And then he tripped over that one shoelace and fell in the dirt._

"Why'd ya pause the movie, Aizen?" Gin didn't appreciate one of his favorite movies being interrupted. Especially with the "pizza delivery for robbery homicide" scene just minutes away.

"Did you hear that, Gin?"

Footsteps and seconds later, the door swung open to reveal…

FAIL CLIFFHANGER IS FAIL

If you knew what NH is then you should know NP.

FOOTNOTE(S)

1: For those who know, he was throwing up the rape sign. If you have no idea WTF I'm talking about then ignore this plz.

2: Hmmm, I have a lulzy idea for another story that involves this. Should I do it Y/N?

3. Yes I reused it… I had to. Poor planning on my part.


End file.

Bleach, Humor, Parody