It's that time of year

That time of the year  
  
by Aria  
  
Rating: Same as the show.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own them, if I did then I would be a hell of a lot richer. No one's paying me to write this, so I'm not making any profit from writing it. I'm just a sad little person with nothing to do?  
  
Spoilers: The first commandment, Secrets, Into the fire, Divide and Conquer, Between two fires.  
  
Synopsis: is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Okay, I haven't exactly answered that question - but it makes a good synopsis doesn't it.  
  
-*-*-  
  
I thought my heart would break when I sat in the control room this afternoon and listened to Nareem's message. I'm not sure which reached out to me more, a man that I had loved, or the futility of knowing that an entire planet was dying - an entire race. Good never does conquer evil - love never does conquer all - you can't win them all in the end. I think I know now, I was upset because of so many things, so many reasons.  
  
The pregnant woman we walked past on the street near Nareem's building - she waved hello to him, they knew each other, her child would never know anything but darkness and death, a bit of floating in amniotic fluid, and then being hit by a Goa'uld weapon from orbit. The one child, one woman, one building becoming nothing but a crater in the face of the planet, nameless, not even because the name was forgotten, but because everyone who knew it is either dead or will never get to speak it again.  
  
I've always wondered what it feels like to die, if you feel the pain, or any fear, if there are angels, or demons who take you to the hereafter. I really don't care what it feels like to be dead, if there is a heaven, a hell - if you get reincarnated, if it will ever matter that you stole that candy, beat up your brother, raped a woman. Does anyone care, once you're dead?  
  
The Tollan people didn't know about their government's heresy, about the back stabbing, the deals, the secretive murders. They were confused, how could they be being shot at, didn't the ion cannons protect them? They didn't know.  
  
Millions of people, newly implanted to Tollana, forming friendships with people, having children, dying naturally. And still as much as I mourn for every last person on Tollana, I mourn for Nareem. None of us are naive enough to believe that he is alive at the moment, and we will ever see the man we knew again. I feel stupid for caring about him as much as I did. And yes, I guess I loved him. To be honest, I'm not one hundred percent sure what love is, but I know I had feelings for him - and that's as much as I'm sure of, and that's as much as I need.  
  
In the last four years that I have known him, I have only kissed him twice, once, in the control room, when we said goodbye, and once in his kitchen, whilst we were getting drinks for Daniel, Teal'C and the colonel.  
  
It hurts even more to think of the Tollan people, and to think that the only one that I ever touched was Nareem, I feel so petty and stupid - but it makes me feel even worse that on a personal level the only person I will miss is Nareem.  
  
He's a smart, kind, good looking and patient guy, and I will miss him most because of his feelings for me. I was his 'chermahn' - their word for angel. And if he hadn't wanted to find out about me, I would never have even known his name - I feel blessed for that. Now he's out there, somewhere in the galaxy, dying for his planet for his people - it makes me proud to have known him.  
  
I feel stupid to say this, but it feels like around this time every year I loose someone or something I love. It was a week and a year ago today that I shot Martouf to stop him from shooting himself. I'm just worried that I am bad luck, that to be around me in the first two weeks of October is just a bad idea if you're a man I love.  
  
I only knew Martouf because of Jolinar. She was so in love with him, that I felt it when ever I was near him, well, after that initial period when I found out. I had a terrible time reconciling between the two of us in his presence and I hated it, but I loved it at the same time. At night I dream more of Jolinar's dreams than I do my own, but they aren't dreams. It's like she reveals more of herself every night, and sometimes it's terrible, others it's incredibly erotic. I have memories of times she and Martouf and Lantesh spent together, things that they did that sends guilty shivers down my spine, but I also know what those painsticks feel like - how you desperately wish you didn't have a symbiote so you could pass out from pain like any ordinary human.  
  
Martouf begged me to end his life for him. He knew we needed to study his brain and his symbiote, and he didn't want to kill himself, unfortunately the zatarc programming allowed him no choice. I imagine that he wished that my zat would knock him out on the first shot, but in truth he barely noticed it.  
  
I feel terrible for Martouf, knowing that he loved me, but that I didn't love him back, that I was doing all I could to fight Jolinar, and separate my feelings of friendship with her timeless love for him.  
  
Two years ago this week I was revived from cryogenic sleep by Jaffa, Goa'uld and a Tok'Ra. I thought I'd lost everyone and everything. They told me 80 years had passed, and my friends, loved ones, they'd all perished. I'd had faint hope for Cassie or my nieces and nephews, but soon realised they'd be old and probably wouldn't even remember me. My mourning for the earth I knew was cut short by the earth I knew, and when Colonel O'Neill woke me up in my chamber I wanted to hug him and thank the stars that someone I knew was alive. I would have done, but I noticed how embarrassed he was by my nudity.  
  
It was the second week of October in '97 when I found out that Dad was dying, cancer - lymphoma, he didn't believe that I would want to talk to him again - he can be such a stubborn twat sometimes, my dream to go into space, he organises it, and because I can't do it - he tells me he's dying and decides he doesn't want to see me.  
  
I didn't have to mourn for Dad though, because a month later we had met the Tok'Ra, and after our initial arguments and some promising - Dad's still alive, although I still do feel that I've lost a part of him, I know he'll live for a long time.  
  
Finally there's Jonah, although I haven't loved him for a long time, there was a time when all I wanted was his approval, was his love. But Jonah never loved me, I don't believe he was ever capable of loving anyone. Jonah, despite the vendetta he had against me, and his obvious insanity, didn't deserve to die. But sure enough, the earth date when he had died was October 9th, 1996.  
  
I'm debating taking a two week holiday next year, on the first to the fourteenth of October, just so that no one will be close to me and can get hurt. When I suggested this to Janet she laughed, and reminded me that there would be no way to tell if something would happen to them, and it would be my fault because I wasn't there to protect someone. I almost whacked the little brunette then.  
  
There's only a few more men in my life that I care about, and I can't bare to loose them, the Colonel, Daniel and Teal'C. Or, seeing as this epidemic only seems to affect people I love, I guess the one person I am the most worried about is the Colonel. We both know how we feel about each other, but the military regulations won't let us act on it - I don't want to find out that next year I am going to his funeral. Meeting his wife again, watching him being lowered into the grave next to his son.  
  
There's so many good decent people who we work with, but the Colonel is probably the most constant one, anyway - if anyone reads this.... I've got work to do. I'll just have to cope with the loss of Nareem, like I did with Martouf and Jonah and nearly had to with Dad. Don't take any one else from me, please? I need everyone I have.  
  
-*-*-  
  
October 4th, 2002.  
  
Daniel's going off with the ascended. He's leaving us to go to another plane of existence. I almost feel like he's dying... 


End file.
