Bleach 1. Prologue

Bleach: Castaway

Prologue

"This is the day, the day I will rule the world!" Aizen laughed maniacally as he held the Hougyoku in the palm of his hand, the stone glistening under the moonlight that pierced through the windows. Some of his left over Espada along with several Shinigami and humans stared at him intently. 

Out of his Espada there was only Ulquoirra, Stark, Grimmjow, Halibel, Nnoitra and Szayel left. Ichimaru Gin and Tousen Kaname were also present along with Wonderweiss, who was holding on to Tousen's sleeve like a shy child while sucking on his thumb. The present Shinigami consisted of Kurosaki Ichigo, Abarai Renji, Hisagi Shuuhei, Matsumoto Rangiku, Hitsugaya Toushirou, Ayasegawa Yumichika, and Madarame Ikkaku. The humans were Inoue Orihime and of course – Chad. 

The air was tense as Aizen's deep brown eyes glittered maliciously as he held up the Hougyoku. "It's over Kurosaki." He said grinning maniacally. "It's not over till I say it's over!" the strawberry haired teen bellowed at the insane, power-hungry man as he lunged at him with his zanpakutou, Zangetsu, raised above his head, ready to strike the lunatic down. 

Trembling, Orihime wanted to end this insanity. Too many people suffered, too many people died – the mere thought of her friends Kuchiki Rukia and Ishida Uryuu now being in fourth division's headquarters under intensive care made her frail heart sink to the her stomach. 

"_Think happy thoughts_…" she thought to herself as she imagined tanning on the beach of a tropical lagoon with warm cerulean water that thrived with tropical marine life. A place where everyone would get along, where their weapons were useless against each other, where the Espada didn't have those dreadful holes in their bodies and everyone was much more human. "_It'd be like a paradise_…"

"It's over!" Aizen yelled once again as the Hougyoku suddenly erupted in a bright light. Terrified, and not wanting to go back to reality, Orihime yelled startled: "I REJECT!" 

Everything was suddenly consumed by a bright light that faded into complete nothingness of white. 

Then images of everyone being on a cruise shot through everyone's mind as they were all dressed in casual clothes – and they all were human too. In one image there was Grimmjow drinking a beer, in another one Ulquoirra sat on the dock reading a book, then another one showed Halibel, Rangiku and Orihime tanning while Renji and Shuuhei stared at their scantily dressed bodies, pointing out how their nipples showed through their bikinis. 

Then there was an image of Aizen drinking a martini while Gin, Tousen and Wonderweiss looked out at the setting sun. Yumichika was looking in a mirror and Ikkaku scowling at him while Toushirou was wrestling with Ichigo for calling him a child and Chad sitting quietly enjoying the sunset. Then there were images of Stark sleeping while Szayel argued with Nnoitra over a fish. 

Then the whole world went black as night fell and the cruise was suddenly on stormy seas, the rain beating onto them mercilessly as their boat rocked wildly with the waves. A huge wave then crashed upon the boat and everyone's world faded into black nothingness…..


	2. The Wake Up

Bleach: Castaway

Chapter 1 – The Wake Up

Orihime stirred as she felt hot sun beating against her skin, warm water caressing her feet and birds singing their morning songs. Her whole body felt sore and tense as her fingers dug into the fine warm sand. Confused, she allowed her eyes to open slowly only to be met with what her fingers felt – sand. 

Furrowing her brows in confusion and slightly squinting from the merciless sun she sat up and looked around. She was on a tropical beach, just like she imagined in Las Noches. A groan several feet away from her caught her attention. 

A mass of light reddish-blonde hair caught her attention. It was Matsumoto Rangiku. "W-where the hell am I?" the older woman mumbled to herself as she tried to take in her surroundings. "Matsumoto-san!" Inoue ran up to her side and helped her up. 

"Ugh, it's just Rangiku…and…where are we?" Rangiku said as she took in her surroundings: a tropical beach with crystal clear cerulean water and lots of tropical plants. "Did I get drunk and passed out on the beach?"

"I'm afraid not, Rangiku-san…" Orihime said slowly, her eyes darting around her new environment. The two women got to their feet and straightened. "Weren't we just in Las Noches though?"

"Hai, but then something happened…and we were all on a big white boat…and….and there was a storm and we crashed!" Inoue's eyes suddenly grew wide with the realization of what happened. Matsumoto brow furrowed in confusion as she looked at the endless miles of water before her, "so are we like dead? And this is heaven?"

"Well I never pictured heaven to be like this…I always thought that we'd be wearing white robes or something…not bikinis…." She added in afterthought. Orihime nodded in agreement. 

The two women began searching the beach and finding a "survival guide" of some sort, a knife, a backpack filled with several rolls of toilet paper, a couple of towels and water bottles. 

"Oh look at this one Rangiku-san!" Orihime said chirpily as she picked up a clam shell. "It's so pretty!" Matsumoto smiled in agreement but then her eyes fell upon something in the distance behind a small sand dune. 

"Hey, what's that?" she pointed at the blurry heap in the distance. "I don't know….let's check it out!"

They ran up to the "heap" only to find out that it was Halibel. "Halibel-san!" Inoue knelt at her side and turned over the woman who coughed up some salt water and groaned. "Are you okay?" 

Halibel's eyes slowly fluttered open to be met with the sight of the two women's faces. "I-I think I'm fine…" she said getting up slowly. "What the hell happened? Where is everyone?" The 

Espada asked as she noticed that they were on a sunny tropical beach. "Why am I in a bikini? A-and where's my hollow hole!" she exclaimed at the sudden realization of her hollow hole missing. 

Inoue looked at her apologetically. "We were on a cruise and we crashed." 

"B-but how! That doesn't explain why I don't have my hollow hole!" Halibel was now frantic. She tried putting her hands together to create a cero but nothing happened. Her eyes widened. "Am I human!" 


	3. Ikkaku and Yumichika

Bleach: Castaway

Chapter 2 – Yumichika and Ikkaku

Yumichika groaned as his eyes fluttered open only to close again against the blaring and harsh sunlight. Confusion tainting his beautiful mind as he eyed his surroundings and they weren't exactly all that beautiful. 

He was on a beach – a dirty beach in his opinion – in torn hideous clothes and what was worse was that his hair was a mess!

Running his hand through his hair it got stuck in the tangles. "Oh my god no!" 

He scanned the beach frantically for a mirror. All there was, was sand, some palm trees, coconuts, rocks, dead fish washed ashore along with some driftwood and – something oval and shiny in the distance. It was his mirror. He just knew it!

Scrambling to his feet and tripping several times he ran to the shining oval mirror – only to find out it was Ikkaku's bald head. "NO!" he shrieked in complete aggravation. "Shut the fuck up, god damn it, what the hell is wrong with you?" Ikkaku groaned rolling over, not realizing he was on a beach of some abandoned tropical island…

"What's wrong with me! Do you honestly want to know what's wrong with me!" Yumichika was now frantic, his hands clutching his head as his fingers dug into the mass of tangled hair. "My hair is ugly! That's what's wrong! And we're on a dirty fucking beach! In ugly clothes! That's what's wrong! It's….all wrong!" 

"What the fuck you bitchin' about again? What beach?" It was then that he opened his eyes and realized what Yumichika was raving about. 

They were indeed on a beach and Yumichika's look was not quite flattering either. His hair was in a 'fro and his feathers were tattered and broken while algae and palm frond pieces stuck out in all directions. And what was even funnier was that he was adorned in a pink flowery Hawaii shirt and khaki shorts, the look finished off with brown sandals. Ikkaku burst out laughing. 

"Ha-ha-ha oh my-what the fuck – ha-ha-ha – are you –haha- wearing! You should see yourself!"

His companion's eyes widened as he suddenly grabbed his head, spitting on it before rubbing it spotless and peering at his reflection in the bald man's head. "Oy what the fuck you think you're doing!"

"It's worse than I thought…." He said with a crestfallen expression. "My beauty…all tarnished…I'll kill whatever son of a bitch is responsible for this!" 

Madarame only laughed once again. 

Yumichika crossed his arms over his chest defiantly, "you wouldn't be laughing if you saw yourself…"

"Huh?"

Ikkaku looked down on his outfit. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt, an opened button down blue tourist Hawaii shirt and khakis like Yumichika. "Gah, what the hell?"

Yumichika smirked triumphantly. "What the hell happened to my zanpakutou?" Ikkaku growled but Ayasegawa only shrugged. "Mine's gone too…"

Something suddenly washed up ashore. Exchanging confused looks, the two men walked up to the wooden crate that now rested on the beach's sand. 

Tearing it open, inside they found a small backpack and a book. Ikkaku read the title aloud: "Survival 101."

Flipping it open he noticed that all the pages were blank except for the first page in the book. Furrowing his brows in confusion he read further. "One: Eat! The island provides many natural grown and nutritious foods. Two: Sleep! Three: Find shelter! Four: Don't get killed by the natives! (Sometimes they can be real nasty)." 

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Yumichika asked as he peered over Ikkaku's shoulder. Madarame only shrugged, "hell if I know…"

"What else is in there?"

Yumichika pulled out a small brown leather backpack. "Ugh, it's ugly…"

"I don't care if a cow shit on it, what's inside?"

Opening the backpack as a cow really did shit on it, Yumichika pulled out a kitchen knife, a roll of toilet paper and that's it. Huffing in aggravation he tossed everything onto the sand as he stomped his feet. "Should have given us a fucking mirror not a god damned roll of toilet paper! It's useless!" 


	4. The Cat and the What?

**Author's Note:** Oh shiznit! I updated! Really, it doesn't take long to write one of these, I'm just lazy like that. But keep in mind, this is merely a drabble/crack.

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Bleach: Castaway

Chapter 3 – The Cat and the...What?

Grimmjow growled in complete and utter frustration as branches stabbed and clawed at his body as he tried to pass through a narrow passage filled with thorny bushes.

He wasn't just frustrated, no - he was completely pissed off beyond belief. He's never gotten this pissed off in his entire life. Whoever was responsible for this mess was his next victim. The thoughts of strangling the life out of whoever was responsible seemed to cheer him up in a way. But right now the bushes were making it hard to daydream of blood and gore…

After he cleared the passage he found himself in a jungle. With vines, banana trees, some weird unidentified plants he's never seen and – monkeys. Letting out a sound of deep aggravation he strode forward in search of food, seeing as his stomach was beginning to eat itself alive.

The deeper he walked into the jungle the more lost he got. Sighing he tore a banana off one of the trees and peeling the skin as he thought over his current situation. He was stranded on some tropical island that seemed to be void of civilization. How wonderful…maybe he should start killing the monkeys to alleviate some of his frustration?

"Haiii-yah!" a voice suddenly yelled above him and something jumped down on him, though he merely side stepped to dodge the attack, allowing his assaulter to face plant into the dirt.

The sight before him stunned him dumb. Kurosaki was on all fours, baring his teeth and growling at him. His clothes were torn and he was wearing a crop top. He really wished he had a camera right there and then…it was priceless. Perfect black mail material.

Ichigo lunged at Grimmjow once again as he let out a furious growl but the former Espada dodged his attack once more. Really, what did that kid want?

Seeing Ichigo in this condition made his day all that much better. Smiling to himself he took a bite out of the banana as Kurosaki lunged at him once more. It was then that he noticed that the kid was after his banana…

How pathetic, couldn't he have just picked one of his own or was he really that dumb?

Getting irritated with the animalistic display he waited for the kid to attack him once more. When Ichigo sprung at him again he pulled his arm back and planted a nice upper cut on the teen's jaw.

Kurosaki flew backwards and skidded on his ass on the dirt, getting himself a nice big brown spot on his rear before he stopped when he slid into a tree.

Grimmjow then tore another banana off the tree and tossed it to the kid. Pocketing his hands, he watched Ichigo devour the fruit with its peel. That must have tasted great…

When Kurosaki was done, he figured it was the best time to say something. "You done acting like a freak?" he asked the teen.

Ichigo eyed the man before him warily before recognition flashed in his eyes. "Grimmjow!" he said astonished as the former Espada no longer had his mask fragment or his hollow hole and was dressed like a normal person – in a pair of black cargo shorts and an unbuttoned black shirt, the look finished off with a pair of sandals.

"Kurosaki!" Grimmjow replied mockingly as he was getting more irritated with the teen. But then a light bulb went off above his head. Now that Kurosaki was here he could kill him! Or better yet, torture him! Make him into his own personal slave to harvest food and supplies like the little bitch that he is so he wouldn't have to do anything. The idea sounded so great he grinned at the orange haired boy before him.

"What the hell happened to you?" Ichigo asked a tad bit bluntly. "Fuck if I know," he replied shrugging though the idea of harnessing Ichigo into labor still danced around in his mind.

"Where's your mask? And hole? And why are you wearing shorts?" the teen continued on as he was completely and utterly confused.

Grimmjow growled. Maybe he should just kill him now, considering how annoying the little shit is….

"I don't know, alright? I woke up on a fucking beach with sand and a dead fish in my mouth and then I wandered in here and your dumb ass attacked me…" he said dispassionately.

Ichigo burst out laughing.

"If I were you I wouldn't be laughing right now, you're the one wearing a crop top, I hope you have some sort of an excuse for that fashion disaster of yours…" Grimmjow said nonchalantly as he narrowed his eyes with a bored expression.

"H-hey! I'm so not wearing a crop top!" Ichigo yelled as he shook a threatening finger at the blue haired man. Grimmjow smirked, "Oh really?"

Looking down, it was then that Ichigo noticed that he was wearing a pink crop top – formerly a pink wife beater. Must have gotten torn when he climbed the trees in search for food….

His face immediately fell as he realized that Grimmjow was right. That prick.


End file.

Bleach, Humor, Parody