Mass Effect Mass Effect: Game Night

It was a late Friday evening, and ever since Shepard and co. had defeated the Collectors, most of the women on board (save for Jack, who insisted on staying in her little hole underneath engineering) had always had a 'girls night' where they would get together, paint fingernails/claws/whatever, and gossip.

Most of the men on board decided they wanted their own quality time, too. So they all compiled their ideas. Grunt wanted a fighting arena installed on the Normandy, which was too costly. Thane insisted on an elaborate obstacle course, but, that again simply couldn't be done. Zaeed insisted on story telling, but everyone got enough of that from simply being on the same ship as that poor old bastard. So, with all the ideas, Shepard decided the next best thing that could combine all of them: simulation.

More specifically?

Video games.

All the men on board except Jacob, who was drunk, cleaning weapons, muttering something to himself about the prize, were huddled around holo-screens, competing against each other in a very popular, yet very over-hyped war game where the object was simple: kill everyone.

The results, were quite entertaining.

"Goddamn, this isn't how the real fuckin' war went. I shot you in the fuckin' face, what is this shit?" Zaeed mumbled, killed again by Grunt.

"Oh, shove it up your ass, old man. Reflexes just ain't what they used to be." Retorted the krogan, killing Legion.

"I do not see the point of this violent simulation." Legion stated. "Would it not be easier to practice our real skills with weapons?"

"Put a pipe in it, you flashlight-head! You're just mad because Grunt is ripping you a new one!" The overjoyed young krogan boasted proudly, controller in hand.

"Enemies on our left flank! Zaeed, maneuver your-" Garrus started.

"Shut it, mandible-face! I know what the fuck I'm doin'. Goddamn, this reminds me of this one time I was taken hostage on Palaven, you fuckin' turians can't torture for shit, anyways-"

Everyone sighed at the thought of enduring another Zaeed story with some twisted morale fuckwit ending.

"Hahaha! Sniped your ass, old man! Got lost in your memories, eh?" Grunt shouted, standing up and performing a humping action into Zaeed's face.

Zaeed shoved him off and shook his head. "Nasty ass crocodile-lookin' mother fucker."

"I believe I have scored a kill on Thane." Legion announced, his score going from 0-31 to 1-31.

"This game is useless. I spot seventeen structural weaknesses in this building, yet grenades do not blow through walls." Thane replied.

"Hahahaha! Fuck you, frog boy! I gotcha!" Zaeed shouted, blowing the head off of Thane's character.

"Try that in real life." The drell retorted, annoyed.

"Grunt, need assistance. Zaeed and Legion double teaming. Bring medpack! No! Wrong class! Quickly, tap X for speed boost! Yes! Weaken their integrity with suppressant fire!" Mordin shouted, clearly being exhilarated by the game.

"Put a sock in it, one-horn. I'm trying to fuckin' own, here!" Grunt shouted.

"Hahahah, mandible-fuck, down again!" Zaeed shouted, turning to Garrus.

"Fuck this, I'm done." Garrus said, throwing his controller down. His anger was building, and he refused to let some stupid game get to him.

"Awww, don't be such a fuckin' crybaby." Zaeed said, turning his focus back onto the screen.

Suddenly, he fell to the ground in front of him, a bottle of alcohol smashed over his head by Garrus.

"WHATTHEFUCKWASTHAT?" Zaeed mumbled, rubbing his head.

"Zaeed, I have killed your character in a very undetectable and silent manner. Shall I say a prayer for him?" Thane commented.

"Fuck off." Zaeed said, sitting back down on the couch and resuming play.

Kelly Chambers passes through the main area on her way to the sleeping pods, and is absolutely shocked at the rowdy-ness and rough housing of the boys.

"I have neutralized Thane." Legion announced.

"Good for you, Geth. But you could've been more subtle about it." Thane inserted.

"HAHAHAH! Fucking killed you, krogan! Eat that fuckin' bullshit!" Zaeed said, before letting loose a loud laugh.

"Grr..." Grunt said, slowly letting his controller drop. He calmly got up...and proceeded to charge directly through the table that held his holo-screen projector and computer terminal that he was playing on.

"Holy FUCK!" Zaeed said. Grunt crashed into a wall on the far side of the room, and ended up knocking himself unconscious from the brute force and anger.

"Good thing we each have our own screen." Thane chimed in.

"Hey, whatthefuck is this? My bullets aren't doin' any damage!" Zaeed shouted.

"Mine either. Something has been changed or altered." Thane said.

Both of them turned to see Legion hacking into the game with his omni-tool, and killing both of them for extra points. He turned, and stared at them.

"Yes? Was there something about code modification not being allowed?" He asked.

"That's it, I'll hold that robot fucker down, you saw his fuckin' head off." Zaeed said, standing up.

"Yes." Thane responded, moving toward Legion.


End file.

Mass Effect, Humor, Parody