Code Geass 1. Chapter 1

**_A/N:_** Hi everybody. Didja miss me? Well I didn't, but I do have this series of one-shots here just for you. And no, they aren't in chronological order.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Code Geass. Just thought you might like to know...

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><p><strong>It's in the Blood<strong>

_-Losing count-_

Charles zi Britannia. The most powerful man in the world. Respected and feared by so many. People would often think, 'what does this guy think of all day?'

The answer to that would be...

His children.

No, he doesn't love them that much. In fact it's quite the opposite. Yet to keep his public image as great as it was, he had to remember all of their names. Including the bastard children.

What the fuck happened to the twin charms of contraception and abortion? Was the world against him? Was he meant to be hindered at his every turn by his fucking children and their goddamn mothers? Most of them were whores anyway. He couldn't remember how many times he'd gotten drunk and shagged some slut at some party. It's not like anyone gave a shit. He knew he should, but the simple fact was that he didn't.

_Why do I even bother?_

Yes, that thought cropped up regularly in his day-to-day activities of sitting on the throne being a huge dick.

So as he looked down on... Clover, was it?

_Good lord, why didn't I give them any normal names. All these crazy names make my head hurt. A lot._

"Your majesty, I have come, just as you summoned," Clover(?) said, on one knee.

"Um, yeah..." Charles said, "good work on that... Clover?"

"It's Clovis, your majesty."

_Seriously? That's a name?_

_What's next? Lelouch?_

_... wait a minute..._

"So, err... why are you here, Clove- Clovis?"

"You summoned me, your majesty."

"...Did I say why?"

"No, emperor. You did not."

_Argh, dammit. I hate it when this happens._

An awkward silence filled the room.

It seemed to go on for an eternity before-

"Can I go now?"

That was Charles, by the way.

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><p><em>-Exiled with a nice view of green-<em>

Lelouch sat in his swivel chair, looked out the window with an incredibly bored expression. He could almost feel a certain green haired witch's stare bore through his brain.

He used to spin round and round on his special swivel chair, just as a way of relieving stress and actually having fun, but lately he felt that would inappropriate due to the fact that he was out night after night risking his life to liberate a country from an empire that controls a third of the world. Swivelling on a chair like a child is not commonly associated with masked revolutionaries.

So he was content with just looking out the window, watching...

_Wait, is that C.C.?_

He swivelled round to see that the witch had long vacated her position on his bed. She'd even left Cheese-kun.

Hastily, he looked out of the window again.

C.C. was there, wearing his shirt-

Sort of.

It'd probably be better to say that it was 'slightly unbuttoned'.

As in, Lelouch could see her cleavage, if he stared hard enough.

And oh boy, did he.

C.C. sent him a 'caught you looking' glance, before proceeding to unbutton the shirt fully, and strip it off.

The witch smirked. The demon widened his eyes, determined to resist the temptation.

And before he knew it, her bra bounced lightly off his window, giving Lelouch a full view of her breasts. Again, if he stared hard enough.

Which he did.

The demon felt a trickle of blood flowing from his nose. Upon the realisation that C.C. was only wearing her panties, the blood continued to flow out at a faster rate.

He grabbed a tissue, and closed his curtains with more force than he'd known possible. No way was he going to let himself be embarrassed like that.

About a minute later, the door opened behind him.

He glared at the witch who had just walked through. She had put her- no, wait, his- shirt back on, fortunately. She looked at the mountain of tissues in the bin, smirked slightly, before plopping herself back on his bed.

"I'm disappointed," she drawled, "I thought you would have made it just a bit further."

"Why- how-," Lelouch began, recalling the past five minutes in his head, "What... the _fuck_... was that?"

"You looked bored, so I thought I'd entertain you. Why, didn't you like it?"

Lelouch seriously considered his answer.

"Don't ever," he stated firmly, "do that again."

Their eyes met.

"Well, at least you're not like your father."

Lelouch sighed, but inwardly grinned.

"Yeah. I bet he's regretting being such a womaniser now. Heh, most of his children want to kill him."

And the accomplices both chuckled at the emperor's expense.

In the hall of his throne room, said emperor sneezed loudly.

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><p><strong><em><span>AN:_** I'm probably going to write a lot of this. It's strangely... relaxing.

So yeah... more to come!


	2. Chapter 2

_-A Heavy Decision-_

Charles zi Britannia. The most powerful man in the world.

And the most overweight, it would seem. At least, that was the horrifying thought that cropped into his head as he stared at the reading his weighing scales were giving.

_Maybe it's the clothes,_ he thought, desperately trying to cling on to what was left of his self-esteem.

After five minutes of taking everything off, he stood back on the scales. To his horror, and amazement, the reading had somehow increased.

_Damn it Marianne, this is your fault! You shouldn't have said I looked good fat!_

Good heavens- would he have to go on a diet? Charles zi Britannia, on a fucking _diet_?

He'd be the laughing stock of the entire world!

... For some reason, that didn't have the impact it should have. He briefly wondered if anyone would believe that he, the _Emperor of Britannia_ was standing _naked_ on his weighing scales, worrying that he was overweight.

The door suddenly opened.

"Charles, I need to borrow your toothbr- WHAT THE FUCK?"

Oh. V.V.

"Um," Charles began, "Hm... yes. I'm overweight-"

"Well, duh! But why the fuck are you naked? This is going to scar me for life!" V.V. cried hysterically.

"I wanted to see _how _overweight I am," Charles mumbled.

V.V. had finally calmed down, and was now thinking of a happy place.

"So," he said, after an awkward silence, "how much do your clothes add?"

"The odd thing is, when I took them off, my weight increased."

"... what?"

"I said-"

"I know what you said. But that still makes no fucking sense." V.V. sighed, looking at anything but his brother. Unfortunately, Charles took up a lot of space, and was therefore hard not to include in the immortal's vision.

After another painfully awkward silence, Charles realised something.

"You don't need to brush your teeth!"

"Yeah, so?"

"Why do you need my toothbrush?"

"Um... Geass order business. Strictly confidential." V.V. said carefully.

"Oh. OK then." Charles said, apparently accepting the explanation.

V.V. would have laughed at his brother's stupidity, but said brother was still standing buck naked on his weighing scales, now shivering.

"It's getting a bit cold... Brother, could you fetch my dressing gown?" Charles asked, turning around.

V.V., however, screamed, and ran.

With Charles' toothbrush.

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><p><em>-Clovis' clothes-<em>

"Wear it."

"My lord, I must refuse-"

"Oh for the love of... This is an order!"

"My prince, I-"

"I have just been needlessly summoned by my father to the homeland and now I need someone to vent my rage on! Do you want to be that person?"

"No, my lord..."

"Then wear it."

Bartley hesitated, not wanting to get on the wrong side of Clovis' anger, but also not wanting to wear so much leather. It was a tricky dilemma that had confronted him before, but it was always hard to work out what was worse.

"Bartley," Clovis said, trying to sound as sweet as possible through gritted teeth, "I designed these clothes myself. They're perfect. Surely there isn't a problem... is there?"

Bartley felt sweat lining his face; last time, he had almost been demoted.

"No, my lord..."

"Well, then, wear this, tell me how it feels, then we'll get... Sue in for the photography."

"What photography, my lord...?"

Clovis put the expression on his face that he was dealing with a complete idiot.

"You'll be photographed, fool."

"Of course! I'll go and get changed then, my prince."

Bartley scurried off into a private room, as the fashionable prince reclined into his throne, a smirk forming on his face.

_Yes... We'll take the pictures, photoshop them with my father's stupid face on them, and circulate them on the net!_

_That'll learn him, calling me 'Clover', the stupid fu-_

"Prince Clovis?" Bartley inquired, a slightly worried look on his face.

"Ah, Bartley," Clovis said, looking at the leather-clad general, his grin widening.

"You look perfect," he said after a long silence.

Two fat Britannian men shivered.

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><p><em>-Babies of Royal Pedigree-<em>

"I swear to god, when I see that little prick, I'm going put his code to full use-"

"Oh, Charlie! You look happy today!"

Charles zi Britannia stared at the woman who had suddenly appeared before him. She looked... cheap.

_Or have I already slept with her? Always a tough question..._

He glanced at the squirming bundle she was carrying.

_Well, that answers that question._

And then:

_Oh joy. Another name to remember. Let's think of something original this time, hmm?_

"Wait, how did you get in here?" Charles blurted, honestly curious.

"I've slept with all the guards," the woman said airily.

_Whatever I paid her was too much._

"I have come here, your holy highness," she proclaimed loudly, "to give you your bastard child. Have fun with him. Or her. Haven't checked yet."

And with that, she threw the baby at the startled emperor, and ran off, blowing a kiss at all the guards.

Charles, to his credit, did not swear loudly.

But he did almost crush the child he was holding.

While swearing quietly.

"Charles, what are you holding?"

_Brilliant. A bastard child and an immortal brother. Throw in an undead wife and you've got the complete set!_

But Charles, being a wise emperor, decided to address the important issue at hand.

"Where's my toothbrush, V.V.?"

"Oh... that..."

V.V. started to look uncomfortable.

"Your toothbrush is," he said, slowly and deliberately, "no longer with us."

"... What?"

"You see, er... we had a new geass user whose power was to... well..."

Not amused by where this was going, Charles sent his brother a hard look.

"Well? What power was it? What are the results that your order has produced after leeching _my_ money, brother?" he said, his tone gradually becoming more sarcastic until he almost literally spat out the last word.

"... he can make people shit."

An uncomfortable silence filled the room.

"Don't tell me why you needed the toothbrush."

"But I-"

"I really don't want to know what you've been cleaning with it."

"Oh, er... saw through that one, huh?"

Charles stood up, towering over his older brother.

"This calls for punishment," he said, his voice booming across the throne room.

V.V. whelped.

"But first, I think this baby needs a diaper change."

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><p><em><strong>AN**: Well, hi guys, I'm from the distant past. Eventually I'll run out of excuses for being so late with these updates._

_Not much to say otherwise..._

_Reviews much appreciated! _


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Code Geass, Family, Humor