Naruto 1. Chapter 1

**Summary: Uzumaki Naruto – Eye color: Blue. Height: 5'3. Age: 14. Rank: ANBU Elite. Status: retired. Considered extremely dangerous. **

**Naruto was perfectly content to live out the rest of his long and peaceful life on the little nest egg he'd built for himself on a very profitable career. Unfortunately, life is a kick in the balls and nothing quite pans out. "Old friends are more trouble than they're worth."**

**A challenge fic I posed to myself.**

**Chapter One?**

**Retired**

It was two p.m. and Ichiraku's Ramen was doing an unusual amount of business for the hour. People bustled in and out - some stayed longer than others, and some never seemed to leave at all. For those who were observing such things, they found that particular happenstance rather odd and did their best to ignore it if possible.

In a less-than-adequately lit section of the stall near the front bar sat a teenaged boy dressed in a neon orange jumpsuit that was partially to blame for the poor lighting. The corner was strangely dimly lit _because_ of its close proximity to the front bar, where shop owners usually preferred very bright corners to show how modern they were.

The boy was very troubled by this, and often brooded over his lunch how he could make that final push and banish the light forever. The problem was with his clothes. Although outrageously fashionable, the one-piece was also responsible for the brightness he'd spent years carefully pushing away. Because of his inability to completely remove the light, people often came over to tell him how much his jumpsuit hurt their eyes when they gazed directly at him. It wasn't that their comfort was very important to him; he just didn't like being looked at.

The teen, Naruto, was rather well known in the stall and surrounding communities. He had shown up out of the blue a couple of years previous and had quickly established himself as a bit of a loner. He'd even become an honorary, if wholly unwilling, member of 'Rockos Ramblers' Ichiraku's long-standing group of people who had nothing better to do than hang around the stall for untold hours and chat away what was left of their lives while eating. Note: a popular past time that coincidentally consisted almost entirely of people over the age of seventy.

While his frustratingly bright clothes were an inconvenience to those around him, those people comforted themselves with the fact that they could recognize him should he ever suffer a fit of sanity and change his clothes into something more reasonable. He had bright blond hair stood out amongst a sea of black, brown, white, and the occasional purple. He also had three birthmarks on each cheek that gave the vague impression that he had foxlike whiskers. Not a very fashionable statement to be making, given the times and events of the past involving a certain nine-tailed demon fox that had cause some amount of discontent a decade and a half ago.

At the moment, Naruto had a very sour expression on his face as he carefully used his chopsticks to poke a foreign object that had somehow ended up on his meal.

"Ayame, what's this?" He asked in a high and suspicious voice that could, in a certain light, have been taken as a whine.

The brown-haired female cook at the register spared him a quick glance before returning to making change for a man with a hat so large that it could double as a tent if the occasion warranted.

"It's a vegetable, Naruto." She responded in a very put-upon voice.

Naruto narrowed his eyes at the green thing bobbing up and down in his broth as if it had any right to be there.

"What's it doing in my Ramen?" He hissed archly, giving it another good poke.

"Probably trying to save you from malnutrition or whatever topical thing you young people like to drop dead of these days." Ayame said under her breath.

Naruto considered this a rather unfair statement to make considering Ayame was only a few years older than himself. But he shrugged it off with the practice of his age and carefully set about segregating the offending foreign object and the rest of its ilk with a small wall of sturdy noodles. He didn't want to risk a prison break. He'd seen one in a movie once and it had not ended well for he prison's keepers. In this case, that was him.

"You don't have to worry about me dropping dead." Naruto said, sulking. "Although your attempts to poison me with these things has been noted and will show in my tip."

"That's nice." Ayame said, not paying very much attention to the blond and instead was concerning herself with the unimportant task of preparing someone else's meal at the stove. Besides, they both knew that her generous tip was assured no matter what she did. Even if it was attempted murder.

Disaster master avoided, Naruto upended his bowl and downed the broth in one go. Setting the cup of noodles back on the table, he reached into his pocket and withdrew a flask. With a contented smile, he poured the pungent contents into the bowl and tucked in.

"Naruto," Said Ayame, annoyance straining in her voice as the acrid scents of sake wafted across her nostrils. "What have I told you about drinking so early in the morning?"

Naruto ignored her with the expert grace of someone used to be chided and couldn't be bothered to retread old ground. So he carried on eating his sake miso ramen.

It was then that a white-haired man in a black mask that covered the lower half of his face seated himself in the dusty chair across from him without asking for permission.

Naruto gave the man a flat look one might expect from a person who'd recently had a brick dropped right in front of their foot.

The man was Hatake Kakashi, a twenty-something year old man who dressed like the recalcitrant Jounin he was – that is, he wore a aged green flak jacket, metal headband slung casually over his right eye, black undershirt and matching trousers. Although now he had some silk bandages tied securely around his left leg just above the knee.

Kakashi had led a rousingly successful career during - and after - the Second Great War, distinguishing himself above his peers and making Jounin by the tender, blood-soaked age of thirteen.

"Yo." Kakashi said in a lazy tone of voice.

Naruto continued to stare, his blue eyes drilling into Kakashi with stern disapproval learned from the other members of Rockos Ramblers.

Quite unperturbed in the face of the teen's mood, Kakashi plowed on as though he were welcome.

"Nice day we're having." He said, lamely.

"Yes." Naruto said shortly, his tone screaming in no uncertain tones that this was a perfect place to end the conversation.

"Fancy meeting you here." Kakashi said, unrelentingly. The man had, at some point, figured out how to use voice inflections and his single visible eye to convey emotions in lue of his hidden mouth. Right now, he had one of those insufferable friendly smirks layered in his voice and his eye upturned in a smile.

"Indeed." Naruto said as Ayame dropped another bowl of miso ramen in front of him, giving Kakashi a winning smile at the same time.

Naruto wasted no time in giving this bowl of the same treatment as the last, alcohol and all.

"You know you're supposed to eat the vegetables." Kakashi pointed out, obviously trying to appear casual and easy-going, which was ironically much easier when you weren't actually _trying_ to be casual and easy-going.

"And you're not supposed to bother the retired." Naruto shot back.

Kakashi shrugged. "I've never been very good at following rules." He said in an off-handed manner.

"Tell that to your younger self."

Kakashi's hidden smile vanished faster than wind through the trees.

"I'm sorry." Naruto apologized. "That was backhanded." He buried himself in his meal, signaling he wanted another.

"How many of those have you had?" Kakashi asked, somewhat stiffly, observing the red tinge creeping into the blond's cheeks.

"I dunno." Naruto slurped. "Lost track after ten."

"And how long ago was that?"

"An hour or so." Naruto replied, distractedly. He was beginning to suffer from the same affliction that always bothered him when he was around people he used to know. Memories.

In Naruto's opinion, they were over rated and could use a good kick out the door.

"Oh…" Kakashi floundered, "anyways, I didn't come here to talk to you about…" he foundered again, "whatever it was we were discussing."

"I thought you happened to run into me." Naruto deadpanned in between mouthfuls of sake-infused noodles.

Kakashi snorted, not falling for the boy's deflection. "As you may have heard, I took on a genin team a while back."

Naruto choked on his noodles, eyes going wide in astonishment. "You what?!" he spluttered.

Kakashi's expression didn't change from one of polite interest, but in his eye you could see the glint of triumph gained from a successfully delivered bit of gossip Naruto, as a civilian, wouldn't have been privy too.

Kakashi waited until Naruto had recovered from his fit until he spoke again. "Yes, team seven."

This time Naruto didn't bother waiting for another bowl of ramen and simply drank from the flask directly and didn't stop until he'd emptied the whole thing.

"Here I was delu-delu-stupidly thinking that no team was ever going to p-pass your little bell test. You prize those bells as much as you do a another certain pair of balls." Naruto said, smacking his lips together and pulling a face as the hard liquor went down. "Who did you get settled with?" He asked, cocking his head at the white-haired ninja slightly, the red tinge blooming into a full on red-face.

"Duo, actually." Kakashi corrected. "I didn't let the other one pass."

"Wait a minute," Naruto interjected drunkenly, "I thought that you needed three people on a team. I'm drunk, were you?" Naruto hiccupped slightly.

"No, there were… circumstances." Kakashi said

"Did the great farting sage join your team?" Naruto blustered.

"No, but we're getting away from the point."

"And what a dangerous and fic-fic-elusi-slusi," Naruto gave up, "What a point it is."

"I need your help." Kakashi said abruptly, his face and tone betraying nothing but honest sincerity.

Naruto froze, caught off balance. Honesty was a rare thing in Kakashi's line of work.

"I learned everything I know on my own, receiving only marginal help when I was placed on a team with the soon-to-be Hokage. I know nothing of teaching kids, having never been taught myself."

"And what do you think I know?" Naruto said bull-headedly. He was beginning to develop a headache from the surging memories and the alcohol was not working.

Kakashi was silent for a moment as he sized up the boy before him. Small, but compact, he didn't look any different from the rest of his age group. But that was the point, after all.

"I know." Kakashi eventually said.

This time it was Naruto who snorted. "I doubt it." He replied scathingly.

Kakashi sighed, leaning back in his chair and checking that they weren't being eaves dropped on. Once he was sure that they weren't, he said, "The bond between the people important to you ever since birth drove you. And those strings formed a web that connected to everyone you ever grew close to. Then, one day, your world was shattered and you couldn't take it."

Naruto growled, and for an instant, there wasn't a fourteen-year-old boy enjoying an alcoholic binge when his parents weren't looking. There was a disillusioned soldier with more blood on his hands than in his body.

"I need your help to train this team so they don't end up like you have. A C-ranked mission that went wrong showed me just how out of my depth I am when it comes to raising kids."

"Look," Naruto slurred. "I can't deal with this drunk. I need to sober up." Naruto winced and then straightened up a bit, adjusting the front of his jumpsuit needlessly.

Now sober, Naruto stared at the Jounin seated across from him as though hoping that simply by an effort of will the man might just vanish into thin air or explode. Naruto wasn't picky, he could go either way - and as a former ninja, that might just be possible. About three percent, he reckoned. It was worth a shot.

Kakashi didn't vanish or combust, but remained obstinately solid in his chair without so much as a spark.

Naruto closed his eyes in resignation.

"When?" He groaned  
>Kakashi's smile returned. "Nine." And he vanished in a swirl of leaves and a gust of wind, not giving Naruto a chance to back out.<p>

The blond grunted, returning to his meal.

"Bastard got more greens in my lunch." He muttered under his breath, pulling the soggy leaves from his broth and flicking them onto the chair the Jounin had evacuated.

**Line Break**

Naruto was drunk. But not in the way he'd been that morning, then he'd been able to formulate coherent and full sentences. Now he was right and proper drunk, stumbling red-faced through the streets with all the grace of a pregnant yak.

"This is the end of all the places!" He sung to no one in particular. "I've lost control of all my senses." Somewhere nearby, a man in a purple cardigan agreed. "Think you can't take it…" Naruto didn't quite know where to go from there and so he settled on trying a cartwheel, which ended up as half headstand, half face-plant.

"I can't take it." Naruto slurred, rubbing his offended nose. He had a niggling feeling he was supposed to be preparing for something he'd agreed to do earlier. He just couldn't for the life of him remember what.

_I could…sober up._ Naruto thought with a tinge of horror. If he did that, the memories would be there, waiting like some horrible beast. _Or I could do the smart thing and blow it off._

Naruto did what most humans do when faced with two options. That is, he chose the path of least resistance. With a grunt and a swear, he hoisted himself to his feet, took another swig from the bottle in his hand, and continued his merry way down the street, off to wherever his feet would take him.

As it happened, it was an open bar that didn't mind selling to minors. Naruto really loved his feet at times. They knew just what to give him.

**End of Chapter One?**

**A/N: I find it odd that alcohol played such a role in this chapter. I've never touched the stuff. It's just strangely fun to write about at times. Question is, should I continue this story, or not. And if so, should Naruto's rampant alcoholism continue? Drop a review or P.M me to let me know. Otherwise I'll just continue on with 'In Search of a Namikaze'. Which I'm going to do anyway, it'll just be that this story will vanish.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I've decided I rather like this story (For the moment, anyway. My passions tend to be fickle). Anyone interested in betaing it? A little push to make me write wouldn't go amiss.**

**Chapter Two**

**The Sword and the Shield**

Naruto was on cloud nine. The world was his oyster and he had only to reach out and grab it. The vast cosmos lay stretched before him like a blank canvas, and he was the artist. With a simple flick of his wrist, he could destroy civilizations and create anew from the rubble. He was god!

"What do you think it is?" A soft female voice said, penetrating his dreams with the indifferent and callous strength of a drill. With her voice came the harsh backhand of reality, a hangover that could destroy civilizations and bury the rubble in vomit.

A breeze wafted across his face, shattering any illusions he held that he was simply back in his apartment with a couple of intruders. Had he fallen asleep in one of the training fields?

With a groan and a pang of memory, Naruto recalled his misadventures from the previous evening. Glossing over the booze, the karaoke bar, the attempt at human flight, and series of ill-advised pranks he'd probably pay for later, Naruto remembered that Kakashi had completely failed to tell him which field he was supposed to be attending. And so, in his drunken wisdom, had decided to try and cover them all at the same time. And so that led him to the sorry state he found himself in now: Hung over in a ditch covered in 'camouflage leaves of youthful hiding' in Kakashi's favorite haunt back in the day.

"A hobo. We should remove him. Kakashi will be here soon." A stiff and monotone voice said in a tone that set Naruto's teeth on edge. He was in the right place all right.

_That rat bastard._ Naruto swore through the milky haze that comprised his present consciousness. _He didn't tell me that one of his students was HIM._

The HIM gave Naruto a light kick in the side of the head.

"Get lost." The HIM grunted.

"Careful, Sasuke." The female said. "He might be an enemy ninja."

_Hung over in the middle of a Konoha training ground?_ Naruto thought, confused and slightly intrigued to hear how she had arrived at that conclusion.

With weary resignation, Naruto opened his eyes and immediately regretted it.

Pink. That single abstract concept rattled around in his soup-like brain for a few moments before surfacing and finally turned two things in to go along with pink. Bright and human. That was, in itself, odd. Pink of various shades was commonly associated with the human skin; he'd read so in a book once. However, this was a bright pink somewhere in the range of bubblegum and distinctly not human.

The owner of the fantastically outlandish shade of hair was gazing down at him with the speculative gaze pawnshop owners usually gave potential costumers, one of hopeful impossibility. She had inquisitive green eyes, a wide forehead, and the air of someone who was completely lost no matter where she was. Her red vest and skirt clung to her body, as a drowning man would grapple to a life raft, that left Naruto bereft as to how she moved in it. Some sort of amorphous shift or gelatinous lurch, he assumed.

"Get away from him." The HIM said.

Naruto tried to face where the Him had walked off to after kicking him, but found that he was buried up to his neck. How had he not noticed before? He blamed the alcohol. It was either that or, dare he contemplate it? Himself? No, much easier for everyone involved to blame the alcohol and fill in the rest with fantasy.

The living bubblegum looked over Naruto's head at where he presumed the HIM was.

"He doesn't seem very dangerous." She observed keenly.

"Could you do me a favor?" Naruto asked, drawing the living bubblegum's attention once more.

"What?" She asked, point blank.

"Could you summon me up some water?" he asked, hopefully.

"Summon some water?" She ask, confused.

Naruto cursed under his breath. What good were ninja if they couldn't summon a glass of water? No bloody good at all in his opinion.

"Aren't you a ninja?" He asked. "Isn't summoning water, walking on water, and bringing back the dead by giving them an infusion of water your kind of thing?"

Sakura gave him a blank look that would have been right at home on a sheet of paper.

"Well, I suppose we can do those things." She said haltingly.

"Really?" Naruto asked, excited. "Then put it in my mouth." He opened his mouth wide. Then closed it immediately, realizing what he said could have been taken way out of context.

"Be quiet, the both of you." The HIM snapped.

Naruto was disappointed when The HIM didn't crackle or pop. It would have been funny. Also, he could have had breakfast at the same time.

"What time is it?" Naruto asked.

"I'm sorry?" Bubblegum asked, off put by the sudden change in subject.

"Time. What is it?" Naruto asked.

"Eleven."

Naruto nodded sagely. Kakashi would be here soon. Once he was here, then, and only then, he'd finally get his water and he could be happy again.

"That is correct. I would have also taken: time is the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole. But your answer works too."

Sakura regarded him with a pitying expression usually reserved for the gravely mentally ill.

Time passed as it usually did when you're dying of dehydration and can't move: slowly. After two eternities, a mental game of Shogi, and an imagined door-to-door salesman's conversation, Kakashi finally deigned to bless them with his presence.

The Jounin appeared in a grand swirl of leaves and a great gust of wind. He was all smiles and hidden smirks.

"Yo." He said, raising a hand in greeting.

For the second time in so many days, Naruto tried to smite Kakashi using willpower alone. And for a second time, the cold hand of reality thwarted him.

"I see you guys have already been introduced." Kakashi said, blissfully unaware of Naruto's murder attempt.

"You're actually early on that one." Naruto said.

Kakashi looked down at the only part of Naruto that was visible above ground. "Hello, talking head." He said, bending down and brushing some very youthful leaves from the top of Naruto's head. "You look thirsty."

Naruto leveled a flat stare at the jounin any Uchiha would have been proud of. If only the HIM could have seen it. The HIM would have been proud.

Naruto took a moment to reflect how odd grammar could be.

The moment ended when Kakashi, that mask-wearing saint and angel, produced a small canteen of that sweet nectar of life from inside his jounin vest. The angel turned into a devil when he waved it tauntingly in front of his face.

"You'll get this when I come back."

"You are the devil."

Kakashi's hidden smirk grew wider as he stuffed the flask back into his jacket.

"Put that in a memo and entitle it 'things I already know.'" Kakashi turned to face where Naruto presumed Sasuke to be. "You'll be coming with me today."  
>"What about me?" Sakura asked, looking hurt.<p>

Kakashi's smirk fell slightly as he regarded her out of the corner of his eye.

"I'm sorry, I have to help Sasuke with his sharingan…unless…" Kakashi glanced down at a stony faced Naruto. "Unless you have a sharingan you haven't decided to share with us?" Kakashi finished.

"That was harsh." Naruto, the amazing talking head, said.

Kakashi shrugged in an off-handed sort of way, obviously uncomfortable.

"Keep her company, would you?"

"Do I have a choice?" Naruto asked rhetorically.  
>Kakashi chuckled and said, "No, I suppose you don't."<p>

Naruto and bubblegum watched as both the HIM, also known as Sasuke, and Kakashi went deeper into the training grounds. The two's expressions ranging from boredom to anxious self-loathing.

Once they were gone, an awkward silence extended between Naruto, the talking head, and bubblegum, the fantastic color.

"Soooo..." Naruto said slowly, "you going to dig me out? Or am I going to have to eat my way out. Keep in mind; I could do it. But it'd be unhealthy and probably give me a stomachache, which I'd rather avoid if at all possible thank you very much."

Bubblegum smiled weakly and set about pulling at the earth near his neck, using the task to distract herself from the abandonment she'd just suffered.

"You're very good at this." Naruto commented in a futile attempt to fill the void.

But then, he'd never been buried up to his neck before and wasn't sure what kind of conversation was appropriate for the situation. He'd nearly been drowned, once. He'd been on a mission in Mist helping the government out against their eternal enemies, Mist. But that was a story for another time.

"Sakura." Bubblegum said as she tossed another handful of dirt. "My name is Sakura."

"Damn." Naruto burbled.

"What?" Sakura asked, brow raised.

"I was rather hoping it'd be bubblegum. Fits with the whole theme and all."

The comment got him a whack upside the head and a face full of dirt.

"Suddenly, watching you dig yourself out of here seems a lot more appealing." She said, angrily.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Naruto said, plastering a placating smile on his face. "I'll be good, I swear."

"Good." Sakura said, resuming her dirt shoveling.

"Name's, Naruto, by the way. Uzumaki Naruto."

"Pleasure."

"No, no. The pleasure is all mine. Really, I'm being dug up for free." Naruto said as she freed his right arm.

Sakura grunted and moved around him to begin working on his left arm and said, "How did you get into this hole in the first place? Did your dueling partner leave you here?"

"Dueling partner?" Naruto asked.

"Yeah. You're a ninja, aren't you?"

Naruto laughed, "No, I'm afraid I'm not." He lied through his teeth.

Sakura's face fell. "Oh." She said, despondently.

"What's wrong?"

"Well, I kinda thought… Well, that Kakashi might have… asked you to train with me."

"Oh." Naruto echoed her sentiments from moments ago.

Now Naruto was faced with a dilemma. He wasn't really a ninja anymore and hadn't been for several years. However, he'd given Kakashi the impression that he'd help out the other day. So, Naruto did what any reasonable human would do given two choices. He chose the path of least resistance, almost guaranteed to backfire at a later date.

"Well, I can't imagine being a ninja is that hard. I was a door-to-door salesman once. I sold doors. Do you know how difficult it is to walk up to a house, knock on their door and then try and sell them something they already have?"

Sakura laughed in spite of herself, though the spirit inside her green eyes seemed to be breaking. It was only a little bit, enough to make a difference.

"I don't know. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this." She said. "Our last mission didn't turn out well. There was this bridge builder and… We succeeded, but I nearly let my teammate die - right in front of me and there was nothing I could do.

Naruto cursed to himself. Why him? Why did he have to be here right now, at the point where he had to make a choice and decide her future?

He could say nothing. She'd probably live a nice life away from danger and loss. Or he could say something and send her spiraling down a path where there was only one logical outcome: Despair.

After this he was going to need a drink.

"I can't pretend to know what that's like," Naruto said, looking up at the sky as a finger quested inside his ear, "I had a friend once. He's moved away now. Man, he was as smart smart a kunai without the tip. He was also ball of energy with a mouth louder than bomb, but he had a lot of ambition, too."

"What did he want to do?" Sakura asked.

"He wanted to be Hokage." Naruto answer, removing his finger and inspecting the loot.

"That is ambitious. You said he moved away. What happened?"

Naruto did his best to shrug with only one arm.

"I guess he realized what a shit job being Hokage would be. He wanted to help everyone. As a Hokage, that's your job. But the world doesn't work that way. He told me that saving one person means not being able to save another. A Hokage has to make those kinds of decisions on a daily basis, and that conflicted with his ideals."

Sakura stopped digging and sat back on her heels, staring at him intently. "So you're saying you think I should quit?"

"That's not what I'm saying at all." Naruto corrected. "You all survived. Do you think the results would have been the same if you weren't there? Didn't you do anything?"

Sakura hesitated. "I wrapped them up and helped them get better." She said reluctantly. "Other than that I was useless. That's why Kakashi is only teaching Sasuke now. He has talent."

Naruto snorted. "Talent is over rated. When I started off selling doors, I was complete rubbish at it. After weeks spent practicing to a mirror, I could have sold doors to the homeless."

Sakura fidgeted slightly.

"What I'm trying to say is: My friend was an idiot. He let his fear consume him. What he failed to realize is fear is a great emotion."

Sakura gave him that same pitying look from earlier.

"No, it really is." Naruto pressed. "It's checking your confidence. The more scared you are, the better you're going to do. You helped everyone recover? That's something. If you don't think you can fight, then save the people who can. You'll be the shield who protects the sword's wielder.

Sakura stared at him for a long moment, the shattered confidence in her eyes slowly pulling together.

"If you think about it. You'll be far more important than anyone who simply ends lives."

"What do you think I should do?"

"No clue." Naruto said with a smile. "I'm just a civilian who got stuck in a hole."

Sakura sighed.

"Just because I can't relate to what you're going through entirely doesn't make what I said any less true. If you don't think you're strong enough, then train harder. Become stronger. Practice in front of a mirror or something."

Sakura gave him a flat look.

"I don't think that's how it works."

Naruto tried to shrug again and said in a louder voice. "I don't know! Punch trees or something. Go out there, get things done."

"You're right." Sakura said, a flame of determination in her eyes. "I don't need them. I can get stronger on my own.

"That's right!" Naruto cheered, pumping a fist in the air. "You can do it!"

"I can! I'm going to the library to see if I can get some books." Sakura said, spinning around and sprinting out of the clearing.

Naruto watched her go, an unreadable expression on his face.

"I'm really glad she found a resolve." He looked around where he was still mostly submerged in the earth. "Now how the hell am I going to get out of here?"

**Line Break**

Naruto sat in his two-room apartment idly nursing a drink as he stared expectantly at his door. His beverage of choice was tea, jasmine with a hint of mint and honey. He'd have preferred something a bit stiffer, but he was out of the hard stuff and it was twenty minutes to the nearest store that would sell to minors. On the table next to his cup rested a combat knife. It was military issue - a sixteen and three-quarter inch from tip to bottom, flat blade with a serrated back that tapered out into the fingered hilt.

The sun had gone down a couple of hours ago though Naruto hadn't noticed. He'd been busy waiting.

"I found Sakura practicing kunai throwing after hours." Kakashi said from the corner of the room.

The white-haired Jounin was as sneaky as ever. Naruto hadn't even heard the window open or felt the rustle of a breeze.

"I convinced a girl to continue as a ninja today." Naruto said, his gaze never leaving the door.

"She would have continued with or without your push. This way she'll be better off. She has a drive now."

"Why couldn't you do it?" Naruto asked bitterly.

"She needed to hear it from someone her age. Nothing I said could have had the same effect you did."

"And now you have me vested in her safety." Naruto said, fingering the mesh of his blade. "Another string in the web."

"You technically didn't train either of them today." Kakashi pointed out.

Naruto didn't bother answering.

"You're going to put them in the Chunin exams? It's almost that time, isn't it?"

This time Kakashi didn't answer.

"They don't stand a chance."

Kakashi's only reply was a quiet hum. He had faith in his students. Naruto hadn't been around them nearly as long as he had. And the blond could be very cynical at times.

"It's going to be kind of awkward facing her. I told her that I wasn't a ninja."  
>"You're not." Said Kakashi.<p>

Naruto waved his hand back and forth, as if trying to bat away a fly. "Technicalities. I was a ninja, once."

"You could be-"

"No." Naruto said firmly, cutting him off. "I'll give them both of them a couple of lessons in a Henge before you show up. Otherwise, they're yours."

"Not that strongly bonded, then?" Kakashi asked.

"I don't like being manipulated, Dog."

Kakashi sighed. The conversation was over. Naruto hadn't referred to him by his old ANBU code name in a long time.

**End of Chapter two**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Personally, I'm enjoying writing this. I hope you guys are enjoying reading it! This chapter will be a bit more serious than the previous ones, but I'll still try and keep it light.**

**If a Beta out there is brave enough to help me trim these things up and provide ideas, I'd be happy to have him or her aboard. **

**Chapter Three**

**Questions**

Naruto's Henge was like the academy's version in the same way a giraffe was like a pineapple. They were both real, but other than that, held very little else in common.

The academy taught two version of the Henge: one that bent light, and another that altered the perceptions of others in a field. Both had weaknesses. A simple touch or a keen eye would dispel the light altering one. The second would buckle under a quick surge of chakra.

Naruto's was perfect so long as he had the chakra to sustain it. A change of age, gender, height, smell, or appearance was only a thought away. The greater the change from his natural form, the more chakra it required.

Right now he was in his late teens with an angular jaw and a scar that extended down his left cheek. A mane of raggity brown hair extended to his shoulders, a band of purple cloth was tied around his forehead to keep his bangs from falling into his eyes. He'd foregone his usual orange jumpsuit for something more practical, a black muscle shirt and a pair of loose fitting camouflage pants. He had a kunai holster around his waist and the combat knife from last night in a sheath lashed under his shirt to the small of his back.

Naruto watched Sasuke and Sakura enter the clearing from where he was perched on a tree branch thick enough to support his weight. A thrill of annoyance coursed through him when neither of them bothered to check their surroundings or even preform a quick sweep.

_The HIM should have done a check at least. Sakura comes from a civilian background and the academy hardly enforces distrust on home territory. Sasuke should know better, even if his family is dead._

Naruto watched as Sasuke slouched against one of the nearby trees. It was a good slouch, Naruto decided. Sasuke had a way of slouching along that put to shame any teen his age. It wasn't that he allowed his body to droop. He could slouch with inflections. Now, in the set of his shoulders, reflected all the smoldering frustration at arriving before his teacher.

Naruto took a quick glance at where Sakura had situated herself on top one of the training posts in the middle of the clearing, legs dangling, head cupped in her right hand. She was idly trying to balance a rock with chakra on one finger. Naruto was mildly impressed with her easy control of the exercise.

_Time for lesson one._

Moving on slippered feet, Naruto dropped to the ground below soundlessly, barely even rustling the grass with his impact. Stifling his chakra signature, he slid over to opposite side of the tree Sasuke was leaning against. Taking a deep breath, Naruto palmed a kunai from his holster. Blue eyes hardened as the two unsuspecting teens in the clearing became nameless targets. Naruto spun around the tree and engaged.

Sasuke gurgled as Naruto delivered a swift knife-hand to the raven-haired kid's throat, simultaneously throwing the kunai at the girl. Naruto caught the falling boy around the neck with his elbow, sweeping the legs at the same time the girl shrieked, startled out of her daze by the kunai slamming into the wood right in between her legs.

Not allowing the boy to recover, Naruto slammed a stunning palm into his temple. The boy went slack in his arms. He dropped the dazed boy to the ground, making sure to quickly stomp on his hand and spine - nothing lethal, just enough to make sure he stayed down for a few moments.

The girl had recovered enough from the sudden attack to draw a weapon. She held the kunai with two hands before her like a sword, knuckles white from the strain of her grip.

"Who are you?" She demanded in a trembling voice.

Naruto ignored the question, darting forward and drawing another kunai, flipping it into a practiced reverse grip. Her counter attack was clumsy and slow. Naruto ducked inside her guard and knocked the steel from her hands with a swift blow to the wrists.

Naruto didn't allow her to mount another defense. He slid forward so close he could make out the small flecks of darker green in her irises and struck at her with a double elbow strike to the side of the head and left armpit. Both hit and she dropped like a sack of flower.

Naruto grunted as he straightened up. Relaxing his posture, he pulled his kunai from the stump with a crack of wood. Turning back to the fallen genin, he sighed. Four seconds. He was getting rusty.

**Line Break**

Sasuke was in pain, so much pain. Why was he in so much pain? One moment he was leaning against a tree waiting for his eccentric teacher to show, the next moment he couldn't breathe and it felt like he was being hit by a battering ram. Had they been attacked? If so, why?

Groaning, Sasuke slowly opened his eyes. He was lying in the grass ten feet from where Sakura lay. She was bound and gagged and her eyes were closed, a trickle of blood leaked from a small wound near her right temple. Her chest was rising in the rhythmic pace of sleep.

Sasuke tried to call out but could only produce a weak strangled wail through his own gag. Crushing the impulse to struggle against his restraints, it would only let whoever attacked them know he was awake, Sasuke tried to put together what pieces he had.

They had been captured alive by an unknown force with indiscernible reasons. He couldn't hear any moving about or breathing, so whoever had tied them up had left, most likely moving towards the village proper. According to academy protocols, his first course of action would be to escape and alert Konoha to the possibility of an impending attack and, if possible, discover their motives.

"You can both stop pretending to be asleep now." A stern voice said. "Kakashi asked me to take over his class today."

Sasuke felt rough hands grab him from behind, followed by a quick tug as his restraints fell free. The moment the bonds went slack, Sasuke spat out his gag and attempted to elbow strike the man behind him. He stopped cold as the attack whizzed through empty air and his feet were swept away beneath him.

"Slow, but a B for effort." The voice said patronizingly once Sasuke recovered his bearings.

"Who are you?" Sasuke asked, slowly pulling himself to his feet as he watched their attacker cut Sakura free.

"You bastard!" Sakura screamed once the gag was pulled from her mouth. "You could have killed me with that kunai."

The ninja shoved the gag back into her mouth before she could continue to rant. He had a bemused expression on his face as though he were enjoying some joke only he understood.

"Loud one, isn't she?" He asked, turning to face Sasuke, his eyebrows rising in question.

Sasuke grunted a, "You have no idea," and shoved his hands in his pockets. The ninja, whoever he was, obviously didn't intend to harm them. If he wanted, he could have simply killed them when he had them at his mercy.

_He could still just be trying to gain our trust. He doesn't have a headband._ Sasuke thought, eyeing the older teen critically. _But for what purpose?_

"Turn that frown upside down, Uchiha." Said the man. "As I said, Kakashi asked me to cover a few days where he would be especially late. I owe him a… favor, you could say."

"And you're good enough to train us?" Sasuke asked, immediately regretting the question. Of course the stranger was good enough. He'd destroyed the both of them before they'd even known he was there.

"Kakashi would not have asked me here otherwise." Came the stoic reply.

"I wouldn't bet on it." Sakura said acidly, rubbing at her wrists where red marks could still be seen from where the bonds had cut into her flesh. The gag the stranger had reinserted had been thrown to the side.

"Form ranks." The command came with such control and expectance that Sasuke's body seemed to move on it's own. Next thing he knew, he was standing beside Sakura. His body in the closest posture to straight it could muster, an accomplishment his academy teacher would have boggled at.

Kakashi's substitute walked over to one of the three cylindrical posts and sat down, gazing at them levelly. He still had one of the kunai he'd used in his hand and it was beginning to make Sasuke a bit nervous, what with the way the stranger's hand kept twitching as though he wanted to throw it at something.

"My rules will be very simple. You obey everything I say, no questions. If you need something explained, then wait until I ask if you have any questions." The ninja paused and cocked his head at them questioningly. "Concerns?" He asked.

**Line Break**

"Um," Sakura said reluctantly, afraid that she might be breaking one of his rules. "Who are you?"

"My name is unimportant. You may refer to me simply as 'captain'. Any other questions?"

"Why did you attack us, Captain?" Sasuke blurted.

Naruto turned to look at him.

"To show you," he said slowly. "What happens when you lower your guard for even a moment. And to hammer home early that fancy, exploding jutsu aren't always needed to obtain results."

Both Sasuke and Sakura blinked, for once united in a single action.

"I could have killed you both before either of you could make a sound. No do overs, no second-chances. Dead. Next question?"

"But it wasn't fair!" Sasuke spat vehemently, a dark cloud creasing his brow.

"Life is very rarely fair. Naruto returned. "There isn't something balancing the comic tables. We all make mistakes. We all pay the price. In a ninja's case, that price is usually death. Anything else?"

Sakura and Sasuke shook their heads. Though Sakura suddenly had a sneaking suspicion she knew who this person was. From the way he spoke, he sounded a lot like the way the blond civilian from yesterday had described his old friend. The only problem with that was Naruto had said his friend had moved away. Did he come back just to teach them?

Nodding, Naruto dropped back down to the ground with the soft crunch of dirt beneath his boots. The shoes were of a special make. They were light and lacked any tread on the bottom. The missing tread allowed him to move through loose soil or jungle terrain without leaving a definitive footprint, only a small indentation to mark his passing.

He slipped into a defensive stance, chest parallel to the opponents, one foot in front of the other, left arm raised just before his face and right arm hovering by his gut to protect his chest.

"We are going to spar. You are not to use chakra at any point, for any reason. If you do, I will respond in kind and you will spend the rest of the day in the hospital. Questions?"

Sakura was faster with the question, a reflex ingrained from years being the top of her class in the academy. By this time, she couldn't help _not_ asking questions when prompted any more than the sun could help making it's trek across the sky each day. "Why aren't we allowed to use chakra?"

"Chakra only enhances what you have. If you have little to improve, then you will be at the disadvantage. I'm going to work on your body and reflexes. Now, come."

**Line Break**

Sasuke's breathing came in labored gasps as he fought desperately to inflate his burning lungs alive with stupidly angry coals. Every muscle in his body ached, protesting at even the slightest movement. And yet he had to demand more from them.

Captain still stood where he had when the duel began. Only a slight sheen of sweat filming his exposed skin showed any strain. His blue eyes reflected bored distain with their efforts. Nothing Kakashi had done training them so far compared with the hell Captain had put them through today. There was a cell in Sasuke's body that didn't hurt. There also wasn't a cell in his body that was alive with the thrill of growing stronger. Nothing so far could compare.

Captain was harsh and sometimes cruel. He wasn't like Kakashi who let the occasional blow to get through in a faux attempt to bolster their confidence. Captain would let them attack him at their leisure. He would then systematically destroy them. But afterwards he'd pick them up and demonstrate where they went wrong, improve their guard, teach them a stance or two. Then they'd do it all over again.

"Kakashi's later than usual." Captain observed.

Sasuke realized that Captain was right. Following Kakashi's substitute's example, Sasuke shaded his eyes and inspected the sun's location in the sky. The burning mass of hydrogen was high which made it at least two in the afternoon. This would have been the latest Kakashi had ever been.

Out of the corner of his eye, Sasuke could see that Sakura was worse off than he was – as expected. She was a quivering mass on the ground, slowly crawling her way towards where Captain stood. A determination Sasuke had never seen in her eyes burned like the core of a lantern.

"Bastard stranded me here with you lot." Captain growled, his attention still on the road out of the training ground. "I didn't sign up for this."

That said; Captain suddenly collapsed on the ground, splaying his arms spread eagle. Blowing a strand of hair that'd fallen into his face, he waved them over, somehow making the lax gesture commanding.

Sasuke and Sakura dragged themselves over to where Captain lay, flopping down next to him in a heap. Normally, he would have demanded far more decorum from himself as an Uchiha. At this moment though, he couldn't give a flying fuck.

He'd ask his clan for forgiveness later.

"If he's going to saddle you lot with me for the rest of the day, we might as well finish it properly. You," Naruto pointed at Sakura from where he lay. "Tell me a bit about yourself."

"Umm, well." Sakura began, still trying to catch her breath as she fidgeted nervously. "My name is Haruno Sakura. I like training, healing people, and," She shot a sidelong glance at Sasuke. "My dislikes are enemy ninja, people who don't look after each other, and the color purple."

Naruto nodded and turned to look at Sasuke with an expectant expression.

"We've done this before with Kakashi." Sasuke grunted.

"You were given an order." Captain said, softly. His tone was perfectly calm, and yet it carried a hidden threat promising that if his order were not obeyed, there would be consequences.

"My name is Uchiha Sasuke." Sasuke bit out reluctantly. "I hate a lot of things and I don't particularly like anything. What I have is not a dream, because I will make it a reality. I'm going to restore my clan, and kill a certain someone."

Naruto stared at Sasuke for a long moment, slowly dissecting his fellow teen and turning him over in his mind. He knew all to well what drove the Uchiha. It was that night Naruto retired as a ninja.

"So you're one of those kinds of ninja, then." Naruto said steadily.

Sasuke's face twisted into one of confusion.

"What do you mean?" He asked, a hint of anger creeping into his voice. Captain was coming dangerously close to insulting his purpose.

Naruto sat up and pressed a finger against Sasuke's knee, doing the same to Sakura with his other hand.

"This is not the place for this kind of discussion. I don't want to risk being overheard by anyone." He said.

There was no leaves or gust of wind to mark their departure. One moment three people occupied the clearing, the next there were none.

A little known fact was that Naruto really hated cleaning up other people's messes, and Kakashi had left him quite a big one brewing in this team.

**Line Break**

Another little known fact was that Kakashi had the most luxurious garden in Konoha. It was one of the few things he really put a lot of attention into these days. The plants were huge and verdant and glorious. That was because he went around once every week with a gray can and sprayed each of the plants personally while talking to them all throughout his ministrations.

He'd read about talking to plants during an escort mission through Grass and Iwa, and he'd thought it a brilliant idea. But perhaps talking wasn't quite the right word to use for what Kakashi did. He was a ninja, and ninja were expected to do things certain ways. He'd never been much for stereotypes, but he felt that maybe, if you felt so inclined to believe so, that ninjas were all psychopaths might just be correct.

That is to say that they weren't all bloodthirsty murders, quite the opposite really. Kakashi avoided taking life where possible. But he couldn't deny that the higher up the command chain you went, the more and strange quirks you found in the commanders. Take him for example: He read porn in public and talked to plants.

Some would argue that talking wasn't really what Kakashi did. They would say that he put the fear of the Six Paths into them, more accurately, the fear of Kakashi.

Every couple of weeks Kakashi would select a planet that wasn't growing as quickly, succumbing to a sickness, wasn't as green, or just wasn't quite as bright as the others. And he would carry it around to all the other plants.

"Bid farewell to your buddy," he'd say to them, "he just couldn't cut it."

Then he'd leave his apartment with his chosen planet for a while and return carrying an empty flowerpot which he'd place somewhere all the other plants could see it.

Kakashi's plants were the most impressive plants in Konoha. Also the most terrified.

Kakashi's room was lit by a single 'radiant sphere', a glyph seal etched into the ceiling that glowed brightly when he fed it chakra. Kakashi was aware of electricity in the same way he was aware that there were other types of literature other than the smut variety. He was happy they were there, but had no intention of partaking in it.

His room was spartan except for one corner where his old, weather-beaten wooden desk rested, a tired and resigned countenance hung about it like policeman who'd been directing traffic all day and was now more going through the motions instead of actually paying attention. It was missing a leg and covering in scratches from where he'd dropped kunai when he was younger. In spite of all this, or maybe because of it, Kakashi hadn't bothered to toss it out even though he hadn't used it in God knew when.

Kakashi himself was relaxing on his bedroll, reading his favorite book. His head was propped up against the wall and he had a nice cup of tea and a bagel right beside him. There was only one thing that was preventing him from full enjoying his time alone for the last couple of hours. He had the sneaking suspicion that he was forgetting something important and couldn't place his finger on what that might be.

He'd tried everything to remember what that something was. He'd turned the page, taken a sip tea, and even fired off a few neurons in silent search of a clue where to start. Nothing. He was rather perturbed by this.

He took another sip of tea, just in case the first one wasn't enough. Still nothing. Turning his attention from his book, Kakashi gaze forlornly outside a small window on the left wall and wondered how Naruto was getting along without him.

Returning to his book, Kakashi shook his head. Honestly, the boy had been shut in for far to long and really needed to get more. And Kakashi was happy to provide. He'd been a teacher for several months now. It was someone else's turn for a few days. He would take a vacation, of sorts.

Idly, Kakashi wondered if the ANBU had found Naruto yet. The black robed, white masked ninja were the best of the best Konoha had to offer. Kakashi had once been a part of them, as had several big names in Konoha. Itachi had been one, as had Naruto, Sarutobi and even Kurenai. The problem with ANBU was that ever since Naruto, Kakashi, Sarutobi, and Kurenai had left the extremely camp organization a very strange and inexplicable thing happened.

ANBU had become incredibly inefficient.

It was entirely possible they'd show up when Naruto was doing something important. Kakashi just hoped that Naruto was smart enough not to be discussing anything top secret.

In the distance there was an ominous ruble of thunder.

**End of Chapter Three**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hello again. I do not recommend watching soaps.**

**Sadly, desperately sadly, the reviews seemed to have petered of and stopped. I suppose I took a wrong direction in this tale? I take no reviews as a bad sign. Perhaps I shouldn't, but the lack of follows and favorites inclines me to believe my hypothesis is correct.**

**Chapter Four**

**The Fall**

It was evening now and Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke were all piled onto Naruto's sofa watching a rerun episode of an old soap. The screen currently depicted an image of a bedridden youth with a strong jaw and dim, unintelligent eyes who was currently relating the circumstances of his terminal illness to a besotted girl around the same age clutching his arm.

"Why are we watching these again?" Sakura asked, in between digital heart wrenching professions of love.

Naruto replied, a little testily. "Because these are the best humanity has to offer: love, self-sacrifice, and courage. All of those things and more are exemplified in a mere thirty minutes."

Sakura and Sasuke both had very similar thoughts on this matter. Sakura thought that their substitute teacher had very odd taste in theatrics. And Sasuke thought that Captain was out of his mind. Both weren't far from the truth.

Sasuke, ever the pragmatist, decided that now was the perfect time for a change in subject. Reaching over, he flicked off the TV and faced Captain. He also faced Sakura, but that was purely incidental.

"You said something about me being 'one of those kinds of ninja' earlier. What did you mean by that?"

Naruto sighed, aggravated at himself and his big mouth for ever bringing the subject up. The problem as he saw it was that he, underneath it all, was an optimist that helped people. He tried not to be. Ever since the Uchiha clan massacre Naruto had been testing the theory that if you drank enough, all your problems would go away. Thus far in his relatively short life he'd not met with much success in this regard, and today was just another nail in the metaphorical coffin.

Naruto looked at Sasuke - truly looked at the brother of Itachi, for the first time. The boy's fashion sense was as a stone, reliable and unchanging. Blue shirt, Uchiha symbol woven into the back, black shorts and a hair styled by the most comfortable of pillows money could buy.

He met his fellow teen's black stare with a cool blue one and sighed once more. "It's time to clear the air a bit." Naruto said with a tone that practically screamed that he'd rather do anything but. "Let's have a little chat about what being a ninja is all about. Why do you want to be a ninja?"

"That's none of your business." Sasuke snapped, leaping to his feet and glaring at Naruto with an intensity so fierce had this been any other world the disguised blond would have had the good sense to drop dead on the spot.

Naruto pressed on, ignoring Sasuke's outburst.

"Sakura," Sakura jumped slightly at the sound of her name, staring at both him and Sasuke wide-eyed concern. "What do you know of the Uchiha massacre?"

"Shut up!" Sasuke screamed, swiping a hand through the air, his eyes wild with a feral intensity.

_Why has no academy shrink addressed this with him? _Naruto wondered, annoyed that he had to ham-fist what should have been a very delicate process of acceptance and counseling. He only hoped Sasuke was as resilient as his brother. His reaction thus far did not inspire confidence.

"Answer the question." Naruto said firmly.

Sakura gulped but obeyed. "His whole family was killed."

"Do you know by who?" Naruto asked, not unkindly.

Sasuke snapped and the sharingan exploded in his eyes, a brilliant red and rotating black shining in the room only lit by the flickering glow from the TV. With a strangled roar, he lunged forward, fist cocked back in preparation to throw a punch.

With a deft movement faster than either Sakura or Sasuke could track, Naruto chucked one of the pillows he'd been resting on and hit the attacking Uchiha square in the face, bowling him backwards with the force of the impact. The avenging Uchiha hit the ground with a muffled crash. Before Sasuke could recover, Naruto had darted from the sofa and was straddling him, expertly pinning both his arms beneath his knees.

Sakura looked on with muted horror.

Sasuke thrashed about ineffectually for a few moments before falling still. "I'll kill you." He swore through gritted teeth.

"And that is what being a ninja means to you. Snap judgments using minimal amounts of information against anyone you disagree with." Naruto twisted one of the Uchiha's fingers violently, eliciting a scream from the trapped Sasuke. "I was in ANBU when I was younger. Your brother _trained_ me, and you know what? In the two years I served under him I could never once lay a finger on him. Even now, I couldn't guarantee you I'd win. And you want vengeance against him?"

"You're a nobody!" Sasuke bellowed, practically foaming at the mouth. "I'm an Uchiha!"

Naruto twisted another finger, this time breaking the joint with a dull crack.

"If you're the Uchiha legacy, I'm not impressed. Itachi was an ANBU captain by your age. Hell, this nobody was in ANBU. And you? You're on my floor."

Naruto sunk a fist into Sasuke's belly, stood up, and then kicked him across the floor and into the living room's wall. Finally Sakura found her courage. With an outraged cry, she charged from the sofa and wrapped her arms around Naruto's waist, fingering fumbling at his pouch for one of his weapons.

Naruto's fingers sank into her neck, tapping pressure points and temporarily frying nerves with chakra. She collapsed to the ground in a heap, no longer able to command her legs. Tears in her eyes, she could only watch and Naruto advanced towards the gasping Uchiha, vainly trying to stand.

"Vengeance is all well and good. I can understand it. But have you thought about what comes after? You mentioned rebuilding your clan, yet you have no friends and have shown no interest in making any. Do you intend to reproduce by force? If that's the case, I'll end your miserable existence right here."

Naruto reached down and wrapped his hand around Sasuke's neck and lifted him off the ground high enough that his feet dangled in the air.

"I don't intend to tell you how to live your life. That's for you to decide. I will give you this warning. I've seen people like you come and go in ANBU. Each and every one of them, without exception, all died pathetic, bloody deaths. They died like that because when the time came, when their chips were down and their back was against a wall, no one was there to help them."

"Put the boy down." A cold, angry voice said from the window.

Three heads turned to find a black figure, dressed in robes as dark as the night, and a white mask with red and blue lines that give the porcelain a bearlike appearance.

Naruto dropped Sasuke to the ground.

"What do you want?" Naruto asked, turning to face the ANBU.

"You are to report to the Third Hokage immediately." The Boar-faced ANBU said.

Naruto turned to look at the Uchiha who was glaring up at him from the ground. "If you want to defeat Itachi, I suggest you find a different cause. Think about it. And if you can come to me with an answer, perhaps I can teach you a think or two."

"Kakashi will teach me." Sasuke gurgled, his windpipe still not up to the task of forming clear sentences.

Naruto crouched down and looked the Uchiha dead in his sharingan eyes. This would, under normal circumstances, have been considered a very ill advised tactic. However, Naruto was currently hopped up on adrenaline, anger, and the ever-vigilant need to have a drink.  
>"Ask Kakashi which of us is stronger. Then, ask him who he thinks is better suited to teach you. Once you have your answer, come find me. Or don't."<p>

"The Hokage wants to see you-"

"Yeah, yeah." Naruto cut the ANBU off airily straightening up to his full, faked height. "I'm going."

Naruto cast a sidelong glance at Sakura. "You know," he said causing her to flinch back, "you could be an absolute monster on the field. I haven't seen a student with your chakra control. You really should ask Kakashi how to best capitalize on that."

And then Naruto left. Vanishing into the air as though he'd been made of nothing more than a thought, leaving three very angry people alone and unsupervised in his house.

It didn't matter. He had another, nicer one.

**End of Chapter Four**

**A/N: I know that this one is shorter than usual. I was feeling a bit down after the total lack of reviews for – what had once been - such a successful launch. Meh, I know you guys will do me right.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Alright, angsty part is over. Back to the humor (yey!) Loved the reviews from last chapter (I don't deny that I am a review whore). Feed my habit and I'll feed yours, deal?**

**Chapter Five**

**Mistakes**

Out of the incalculable number of histories detailing the Hokage's founding, three in particular stand out. The first accounting was written by Brother Biscuit, a monk residing in a convent in Cloud whose unfortunate name did little to diminish the book's bottom line. A bottom line made entirely of professors and unhappy students.

The second is a surprisingly accurate recording created by a traveling merchant whose name is as mysterious as the circumstances he acquired his information. Only two books were ever made. One was the requisite author's copy. And the editor burned the second shortly after the merchant adamantly refused to "fudge a detail here or there" to make it more entertaining for the kids.

The third is a wildly popular, if highly allegorical, copy written by a bored teen that went into exhaustive detail about how each of the Hokage's were secretly members of an ancient witch's coven dedicated to overseeing the distribution of and proper allocation of bad ideas the world seems to fall prey to. The bad decision making even affected people who were usually quite sensible, such as farmer's sons who suddenly decided that a quest for 'people's rights' or 'the good of their village' was just the thing they needed to pass the long winter months.

Although the teenager's account contains much that is apocryphal, if not down right fictitious, it is nevertheless extremely popular among the right crowd and similarly unpopular in the wrong crowd. Inside the "wrong crowd" bracket, there are the Jashinist, cleaners, well-minded genin, and Hokage's. On the other hand, inside the "right crowd" bracket, there are the poorly minded genin, Hokage's, and people over the age of sixty. **(A digital cookie to whoever gets this reference)**

Naruto will deny to his grave having ever written it.

Naruto raised his eyes to meet Sarutobi Hiruzen's, the Third Hokage, whose face strongly resembled an ancient rock found in the bottom of a well. Deep fissures of age ran through Sarutobi's face like canyons in a desert, a harsh counterpoint to the white silky robes he wore.

"And how are you doing today?" The Hokage asked in a voice like a well-oiled door, steepling his hands before him on the desk.

Naruto had fond memories of that voice. He had spent a lot of time around that voice when he was young, before he'd joined ANBU. He remembered running into this office, hopping up onto the Hokage's lap, and tugging on his robes asking for a candy. He suspected that he was not asked here to receive a candy this time.

"Fine." Naruto mumbled, looking away once again.

"You know," The Hokage said conversationally, "I prefer how you actually look, and not what you've dreamed up."

Dropping his transformation, Naruto's clothes suddenly became several sizes too large, the knife holster dropping to the ground. Naruto shifted slightly and picked up his weapon, tying one of the straps around his arm so that the sheath rested against his side.

If there was a problem with his transformation, it was that it only worked on him. Rather, it was very difficult to change any clothes he might be wearing. He _could_ transform his clothes, but the chakra cost and concentration required to keep clothes transformed was not worth the effort. So if he _had _to transform while wearing clothes, he simply did away with the problem by transforming cloth into smoke. The only problem, if it could be called that, was that he was naked as the day he was born. After the first mission, he'd never done _that_ again.

To avoid exposing himself to the world, he made a lot of his clothes adjustable using belts; straps inside the leggings, and the holster could be used in a pinch. And so, tightening his belt around his waist so his pants wouldn't fall to the ground and cause an embarrassing scene, he brushed aside an errant strand of blond hair and gave his former supreme commander a flat look. A look Sarutobi returned with a small smile.

"Thank you." He said, somehow projecting genuine thanks. That was what had won him the Hokage's position in his youth, genuiness. When he said he'd do something, he did it while everyone else vying for the same position tried to pick apart his words for a secret meaning or hidden agenda.

Sarutobi was one of the few honest people who'd ever gotten into an office capable of making actual decisions. If fact, he'd managed to snag the only office capable of making decisions. Whenever he was asked just _how_ he'd managed it he'd smile, drop a conspiratorial wink, and say, "just honest, hard work and being in the right place at the right time."

To this day, no one believes him.

"Do you know why I asked you here?" The Hokage asked politely.

Naruto's first impulse response was 'child abuse', but the problem with that was he was a child himself. Would it be assault then? After all, you were considered mostly adult when you became a Genin. But a simple case of assault wouldn't merit a visit to the overseer of all of Konoha. That only left one thing.

"I suspect," he said through pressed lips, "that you want to talk about my retirement." He left out, 'you bastard'.

Sarutobi's smile widened. To Naruto's eyes, it was very unpleasant. With a rasp of silk against leathery flesh, Sarutobi withdrew a manila envelope from the table and dropped it with a resounding 'thwap' on the table. It resounded because to Naruto's ears the small sound seemed to resonate throughout all the missed opportunities he was going to have to drink.

"I don't suppose that's a free pass to all of Konoha's bars?" Naruto asked without much hope.

"I'm afraid it's not." Sarutobi said without any remorse. "Congratulations on your team, temporary captain of Team 7."

Naruto's face twisted as though he'd just swallowed the entire contents of a local sewage. "Absolutely not." He said, forgetting just whom he was talking to. "I'm retired."

Sarutobi steepled his hands on the table once more, his smile never faltering for an instant. "I'd thought you'd say that." He said, kindly. "That's why I also arranged for all retired Jounin in Konoha under the age of thirty to be placed back on active duty and preforming high-class relocation and termination missions, working jointly with Sand and Iron unless they are otherwise assigned."

"You can't just do that." Naruto said, aghast. "They have rights and," he faltered slightly for a moment before quickly rallying himself once more, "they'll have been inactive for too long. They won't be ready for that kind of duty."

Naruto felt good appealing using the rights of others to defend his laziness. He was others too, he reasoned, and if others got a chance to relax so should he. Never-mind that he wasn't really doing this for their benefit.

"Ah, you see" Sarutobi said in the manner a grandfather might discipline and unruly grandson. "Documentation and wording are very important in what a Hokage does. If, for example, you were the only retired jounin under the age of thirty inside the walls of Konoha as the document was signed."

It was at that moment that Naruto realized just why the Second Hokage had chosen Sarutobi over the other prospects at the time. He wouldn't be around when Sarutobi tortured all of his ninja for his own sadistic pleasure.

"So my choice is either deal with the two genin or an interminable amount of legwork?" Naruto asked.

"Only until after the Chunin exams in a month. After that you can continue on with whatever you were doing." Sarutobi said, reasonably.

Naruto wondered briefly if drinking himself stupid counted as doing something.

"Team 7 is Kakashi's team." Naruto said, cajoling his brain for whatever he could use to escape. His brain offered no response.

It wasn't that he didn't want to teach the brats. It was just that while on duty he had to play the prim and proper soldier, set an example for the future generation and what not. After all, his teacher had done the same for him.

"Kakashi has filed for vacation. I must admit. I'm as surprised as you are about it. Ten years and never once taken a break for any reason, until today that is."

Sarutobi leveled a look at Naruto as though expecting an answer for Kakashi's strange behavior. How was he supposed to know what the freak did in his off time? For all he knew, Kakashi was taking care of plants or something stupidly mundane like that.

"Your choice, my boy?" Sarutobi asked, as confoundingly calm as ever.

Naruto's face twisted in a rictus of pain as he mulled over the decision he was forced to make. He could take the missions. He'd be bored as hell but it was almost worth it just to spite the old man. But then again, he could always…

Naruto's face suddenly went very slack, and then as slowly as a grandfather clock, drew into a blissful smile. "And they're my team, are they?" He asked, benightedly. "I can do whatever I want with them."

"So long as they come to no permanent harm." Sarutobi confirmed, evidently reading his mind somehow. "I take it then that we've come to an agreement?"

Naruto nodded and raised his arm to shake hands with the Hokage, grin firmly fixed in place.

"I will be taking some liberties." Naruto said in a voice that could have frozen lava. "If I'm going to train them for the exams, it wouldn't due to cut corners, would it?"

If the Hokage was regretting his decision to sick Naruto on a pair of teenage genin, he didn't show it.

**Line Break**

Naruto knocked on Kakashi's door. It was desperately hard to knock on a door without making a sound. He had become very proficient the esoteric skill during his brief stint as a salesman. The trick was in the knuckles. Not too much strength or you'll rattle the door and risk making noise, but you didn't want to put to little power or you'd to just be waving your hand in front of the door like a hallucinating traffic director. No, the machination was in a full-fledged and confident stroke that made contact with the frame and nothing else, not even the air.

Naruto tried knocking again. It was always polite to knock twice before entering. He remembered being told that by his mentor a long time ago. Taking a step back from the door, he threw a quick glance over his shoulder to check if Sarutobi had sent anyone to follow him.

There was nothing. Not that he had exactly expected to find anyone. If you saw one of Sarutobi's professional spies, it was a spy he wanted you to see. The way to know if Sarutobi was spying on you was to turn around really quickly and see no one at all. So, therefore it stood to reason that he was being followed.

"Well," Naruto slurred slightly, scratching his chin musingly, "If he doesn't answer, I guess I'll invite myself in. He did the same yesterday. Always return favors, yeah?"

A moment later – and a brief but intense battle between foot and door – saw Naruto striding semi-adroitly across the splintered remains of Kakashi's oak door and into his living room. The one-eyed bastard was sitting at his table, book in hand, two saucers of sake already set out on the table.

"Brought my own." Naruto slurred, holding up both his hands to show two large bottles in either hand. It was the reason he'd kicked the door down, as he'd had no free hands to punch it in.

"Back ups, then." Kakashi said, eyes still riveted to his book.

Naruto stumbled over and collapsed into the chair across from Kakashi. He briefly entertained the thought of offering Kakashi some of his liquor, but quickly shot down the idea. Old whitey had laid out two saucers of sake, therefore, it stood to reason that if he had some liquor, somewhere there must be more.

Pleased with his reasoning, Naruto took a long swig from the bottle in his right hand before taking another, longer swig from the one in his left. All things in semi-equal manners and all of that.

"You pawned your team off on me." Naruto said, proving that he had a very firm grasp on the obvious.

Kakashi hummed in ascent, eye skittering over the pages with well-practiced ease.

"I don't mind." Naruto continued, drunkenly. "I got p-pernt-perm,"

"Permission." Kakashi said helpfully.  
>"That." Naruto said, pointing at his companion with the nozzle of one of his bottles. "Old man let me do whatever I want with them."<p>

"So long as they aren't permanently injured." Kakashi cut across.

Naruto narrowed his eyes at the white haired ninja suspiciously.

"No, I wasn't there." Kakashi said.

"No mind reading, jerk." Naruto said, pouting.

"Only the Yamanaka can read minds, Naruto."

"How do I know you're not one?" Naruto said enthusiastically, rather enjoying this line of thought, his previous one temporarily forgotten. "You could have bleached your hair and changed your name!"

"I think you're getting a bit over excited." Kakashi said in the vain attempt to calm Naruto down.

"BAH." Naruto said in drunken disgust. "You're just covering up."

"You've rumbled me." Kakashi said acidly. Then, turning a page, Kakashi looked up and asked, "You came here for a reason other than to break my door?"

"I know a salesman." Naruto blurted, looking a bit nauseous. "He's good with doors, very knowledgeable."

"Your point in coming?" Kakashi asked, patiently. He was an old hand at dealing with drunks. He was an even older hand at dealing with Naruto. The trick to deal with a drunken Naruto was to repeat your question until you either no longer cared to get an answer, or it finally penetrated Naruto's skull – whichever came first.

"My point…" Naruto said slowly, his eyes adopting a far away expression as though he were trying to recall something that happened a very long time ago, and possibly to someone else.

Kakashi blinked slowly. Further prodding was apparently required.

"Genin team." He said leadingly.

Naruto snapped to attention as though he'd been electrocuted. Leaping out of his seat with surprising agility for a drunk, he snapped a sloppy salute and bellowed, "I was never on a genin team, sir! Jounin Uzumaki Naruto was promoted directly to ANBU sweeper directly following the murder of Jounin-" Naruto's eyes rolled back in his head and he collapsed back into his chair like a boneless fish.

"The present, Naruto. Try and stay in the present."

With a groan, Naruto put the bottle of alcohol on the table with the exaggerated care of a drunk. But since it was the wrong one of the three images swimming around his vision, the bottle smashed on the floor.

"I'm going to have to clean that up, you know."

"Clean what up?" Naruto croaked.

Kakashi's book snapped shut. He'd had enough.

"Naruto." Kakashi said in a tone usually reserved for the particularly dim. "I think you should prepare for tomorrow. I am currently enjoying my vacation. The third member for your genin team will be at training ground six."

"Picked him yourself?" Naruto asked, drowsily. His eyes were slowly scanning Kakashi's ceiling as though the genin in question was hiding in the white-haired Jounin's rafters. Slowly, his eyes drifted closed as alcohol induced sleep took him.

Kakashi watched the blond's slumped form for a few moments, watching the rise and fall of his chest. He spent a moment comparing the Naruto of now to the one he'd been on a team with a few years ago. The change was as night and day. Time and circumstances had changed the boy greatly. He wondered if Naruto realized just how much he was trying to impersonate the man who'd taken him under his wing and set him on a straight path. Itachi had been quite the miracle worker. That made his betrayal all the worse.

For a time, after Itachi had left them in the manner he had, Kakashi was concerned that Naruto was going to lapse back into his old habits from before. Instead, Naruto had chosen a path Kakashi hadn't seen coming: apathy. It was so antagonistic to his former personality, and so similar to Itachi's, he really should have seen it coming.

Blowing out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, Kakashi stood and stepped over to one of his planets, pressing one of the velvety leaves in his palm and feeling the space hairs covering the greenery.

Giving Naruto a sidelong glance, Kakashi chuckled, his shoulders bouncing with suppressed mirth, "Really?" He asked the unconscious blond chidingly. "Do you really think I'd go through so much trouble as to scan the lists and handpick a substitute? I found the first available name."

**End of Chapter Five**


	6. Interlude I

**A/N: HELL-o.**

**Warning: This chapter contains a lot of blood and is dark – to the point it's really made me rethink the humor tag. It's also unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) ridden with a lot of backstory. Read at your own risk.**

**PS: Naruto was a bit messed up when he was younger. There is a reason, and I'll get to it soon. However, I apologize if this upsets you. I can change this bit if it's really not liked. It'll throw the story off a bit and I'll need to change up his backstory to account for the alteration. But, like I say, this chapter is really dark. Naruto is not meant to be liked here.**

**Interlude I**

**Three years ago**

The black building loomed above the surrounding landscape like a monolithic beast. Dark towers spired off from the main structure like bony fingers on a dead hand scratching at the night sky with undead indomitability.

Several kilometers away on a craggy outcropping perched three figures in black ANBU robes waving in the gentle wind passing over the rocky ledge below. To the outside observer they would be indistinguishable amongst the splashy backdrop.

The first figure on the far right was taller than the other two by a few inches. White hair stuck out from beneath his drawn hood at odd angles as if it'd been stuff inside as an afterthought. His hair in combination with his stiff posture gave the impression that he was nothing more than a poorly stuffed scarecrow in black robes. The smooth, white, alabaster mask that covered his face was marred only by two slits for eyes. Two points curved upwards to form dog-ears dipped in brown paint.

The middle figure had his hood back, exposing a mess of black hair, the tips of which barely touched his shoulders. Although he was just as straight-backed as the first ANBU, he wore the posture easily, making the ramrod stance appear natural. He had an air of stiff formality usually on found on seasoned politicians. And it would have been easy to mistake him for one if it weren't for the weasel mask he wore over his face distinguishing him as one of the elite inside Konoha's forces.

The third figure was crouched low to the ground so that his robes pooled around him like a black bloodstain on the rocks below. And, like the second, had his hood back displaying a mane of messy blond hair reaching down to just below his shoulders. The blond labyrinthine mess of tangled knots and snares that looked to not have seen the business end of a brush in months. Like the other two, he had a white mask, artistically splashed with color to give it an owlish impression. That is, if the owl had been drawn by a six year old. The beak was a sloppily painted orange line and the eyeholes had cracks as though the material hadn't set properly.

"So that's Heidiki's base?" Owl asked, his unmistakably youthful voice muffled and made hollow by the mask.

"Yes." Weasel said, his voice similarly distorted as Owl's had been, though still somehow conveying the impression of an old banker.

"Seems boring." Owl said, plaintively. "Why were we called in on this one?"

"The Hokage wants this one done quickly." Dog said. "Heidiki has been selling arms to Iwa under the table for months - even after being told to stop."

Dog had an indefatigable aura of something nobody could quite place about him. It was as though he were trying to be two separate people at the same time. On one hand he spoke with the directness and authority of someone used to being obeyed and obeyed unquestioningly. On the other hand, his body language seemed stilted - as though he were forcing himself to appear relaxed and at ease in spite of years of doing just the opposite.

"Still, I don't know why we were called in." Owl complained. "I was stocking up on ramen! I'd built this amazing shrine to honor the pastry god."

"Act your age and don't question the commander." Weasel said, stoically.

"I'm ten. Complaining and talking about food _is_ acting my age." Owl retorted, standing up to his full and unimpressive height of four foot six.

Owl was the youngest behind Weasel by a few years. He'd joined ANBU because he hadn't had much choice otherwise. It was either this or the funny farm. But that was fine; ANBU suited him. What didn't suit him was the standard issue ANBU robes, which were approximately a half dozen sizes too large meant for a fully-grown adult. To combat looking like he was entering battle wearing a family sized tent, he'd used an odd assortment of belts strapped stragically around his torso so that instead of looking like he was wearing a tent, he gained the appearance of a freshly escape mental patient.

"You're in ANBU. By law your age is: legal. And, therefore, over eighteen." Dog snapped out irritably. "Now cut the complaining and let's get this over with. Do you remember the plan?"

Owl laughed hollowly and said, "It's hardly complicated. Bust in, break some stuff, get out."

"We've talked about referring to human life as 'stuff', owl." Weasel said, his monotone taking on a sharper edge of disapproval as he turned his head to face his junior. "The Hokage asked for me to oversee the rest of your training. Proper mental care is part of the training process."

"Yeah, yeah." Owl said carelessly, cracking his gloved index finger with the thumb on the same hand, the resulting sound echoing off the surrounding rocks like the snap of a whip. "Shall we get started, then? I want to be home by the end of the week." Another crack.

"We will talk about this after." Weasel said with finality.

Moving at an unspoken signal, the three shot off in separate directions and coasted like wraiths down the side of the ledge, flowing around boulders and trees with an easy grace boarder-lining practiced towards the lookout ahead.

**Line Break**

Jounin Benal had very few things going for him in life. He was neither too tall nor too short, his hair was always cropped short in just such a way that he might have done better not having any at all, and according to numerous reports from the female persuasion, his eyes were too close together.

But Jounin Benal Tanuke didn't let this get him down. He soldiered on with all the impressive determination a worker ant did, that is with uncaring and unwittering blindness. It was this short sightedness that made sure that there were a lot of things in life he was blissfully unaware of.

For example: Jounin Benal Tanuke did not know that his life was going to end in less than ten minutes.

Needless to say, that if he had know, he certainly would not have continued his rounds with the same cheery optimism he'd exhibited for the last six years that he'd overseen this post. Instead, he would have dropped rank, honor, and troops and made straight for the nearest port to book himself a one-way trip to whatever was leaving right now.

"Evening." Torin grunted, waving a meaty hand in greeting as Benal rounded the corner into the watchman's box. The guard's man was standing by the open window, halberd in hand, staring out the window at the dark landscape beyond.

Torin's body was unique in that it appeared as though he were poured into his clothes by a man who'd forgotten to stop just before reaching the top, biceps larger than baby heads strained against the standard issue red and blue guard's uniform.

"And a good evening to you." Benal said, joining Torin by the window, smiling so cheerfully a cynical man would have thought he knew something you didn't.

The outpost they were in was a small one with only a solitary torch to illuminate the alcove in the wall. Because of the confined space and limited airflow, scents tended to hang around for a while. Benal could detect the starchy scent of potatoes, the sharp tang of teriyaki, and the earthy texture of beans Torin must have had for dinner. He could also detect the acrid smell of…

Benal's smile wavered slightly as he spotted a small bottle that had been hastily shoved inside one of the many cracks spider webbing the outer wall.

Torin spotted where Benal's gaze had drifted and grunted.

"Just a nip. Ain't no harm in a nip, capt'n."

Benal eyed the mammoth severely. Although Benal was only half Torin's height, Benal hadn't achieved the rank of Jounin for nothing.

"Promise it was only a nip?" Benal asked dubiously.

"On me honor, capt'n." Torin swore honestly.

Benal's smile returned in full force. "Then give me a taste, then." He said. "It's been a long night and nothing's happened in months."

"Er was the-"

"The cobbler's son doesn't count." Benal cut in smoothly. "He already knew the layout for the building. Never can outmaneuver a kid in his own territory, I say."

Benal stopped mid ramble when he noticed Torin staring lamely at the hole he'd stashed his alcohol. The small bottle that had previously been there was now conspicuously missing.

"This is disgusting." A muffled child's voice said from behind them.

Benal and Torin spun around to face where the unknown voice had come from. They discovered a diminutive black robed figure with blond hair leaning against the back wall, the missing alcohol bottle in hand. They would almost have mistaken him for one of the noble's sons if it weren't for the sloppily painted, bone white mask glowing in the flickering torchlight. Both Torin and Benal knew what those masks symbolized.

Konoha's ANBU.

Konoha's monsters.

"I don't understand what you people see in this stuff." The miniature ANBU said, holding the bottle up in between his pinched index and thumb fingers.

Benal had to crush the nagging feeling that this was nothing more than a child. ANBU didn't let children into their ranks.

Sliding into a defensive stance, Benal ready himself for a fight. ANBU had come. He didn't know why, but it didn't matter. He had a job to protect the master.

"Torin, I'll go around left, you take his right."

"Who are you talking to?" The ANBU laughed, tossing the bottle to the side so that it smashed against the stone cobbles.

Benal, without turning his torso, glanced to his side and found Torin slumped against the wall, eyes wide. His own halberd had been shoved into his armpit keeping him from full collapsing to the ground. The even deeper red of the guard's blood had obliterated the red insignia of the noble's house that wrapped around the guard's torso.

There was a loud crack and Benal dropped lower to the ground, handing whipping out a kunai from the pouch at his side to block the expected attack. He blinked owlishly when no weapon or jutsu was forthcoming.

It took him a moment to realize that the sound he heard was the ANBU cracking his right hand's middle finger using the thumb on the same hand. Benal's gaze shot back up to the mask.

And pure fear griped his very being in an icy grip that chilled his very bones.

Behind the mask, the ANBU's – no, the demon's – right eye burned a deep, hating crimson. The pupil was elongated and slit like some snake or canine. In that bottomless pit, there was no humanity - none that Benal could recognize. Even in the eye of a sociopathic murderer, there was generally some shred of semblance you could latch onto and relate. In the void that that burned like the hottest fire in the night, there was nothing beyond an unending, indiscriminate fury.

"I don't have much time." The ANBU said, stepping forward, his black combat boots darting out from the hem of the thick robes like evil rabbits. "I have a question for you."  
>Benal gulped. He was a Jounin; but he was an outer-city Jounin. If you were to compare him to a major village's hierarchy, he'd barely rank Chuunin. His opponent was ANBU, black death given form and substance. They were legendary. And this one wasn't even human.<p>

The ANBU drew up in front of him, heedless of Benal's drawn weapon –it might as well have been a toy to him. White mask tilted up so that Benal could make out each exquisite detail of the mask and red pool.

"Do you have any dreams?" The question was spoken softly, almost reverently. Benal never got to answer, because the question was followed by an explosion of pain as his heart was torn from his chest in a volcanic eruption of blood and viscera. He never saw the strike, or the backswing that separated head from shoulders.

Benal was dead before he hit the ground.

**Line Break**

ANBU agent Owl, also known as Naruto during off hours, was having a good day – a really, really good day. The hallway he was currently making his way across was boring, stale, and the architecture was unoriginal, but he was free and allowed absolute autonomy.

He'd never had this much fun before. Being a door-to-door salesman was nothing compared to this. But then again, without his job as a salesman, he'd never have had this one. It had to be that fate thing he'd heard so much about. He'd never put much stock in it before, but there was always a first for everything.

Naruto sampled the air deeply through his nose and scented the cloying, wonderful aroma of blood. It covered the floor and walls behind him where he'd stumbled upon an unfortunate sentry on his way towards the main estate. He'd spent a minute or two to play. He broke a few of their bones, distended their organs across the carpet, and even made one pluck and swallow his own eye.

Naruto cracked the middle finger on his left hand, savoring the feeling of the bone temporarily dislocating and then snapping back into place, forced back into position by the healing powers his demon provided.

Naruto lifted and inspected his gloved and still bloody hand, his stride down the hall never breaking. The owners of that blood had called him a demon before they died. That assertion was amusing. Him? A demon? In this twisted world, he was transparent. He was honest in what he did. No, what was wrong wasn't him. It was the world.

His hand twisted in a rictus of motion and this time the finger broke. Naruto closed his eyes as his body was wracked with pleasure in the pain.

Pain. It had made him stronger in a time when he'd been powerless. It was then he cast aside memory of his past and embraced the simple conclusion that all the hurt and disadvantage in the world derived from a man's simple lack of ability. He'd embraced who he really was and freed himself.

A sound. Naruto's ears perked up as he heard the desperate and fearful panting in the room he'd just past. Halting, he slowly back peddled, turned, and opened the door.

"What are you doing in here?" Naruto crooned, lips twisting in a cruel behind his mask.

Heidiki Genryusai was huddled in a corner, arms wrapped around legs drawn up to his chest, dark eyes wide with abject terror. His brown hair was mussed and tangled with sweat that dripped down his face, over a long nose, and onto his clinging green pajamas.

Desperately avoiding eye contact, Heidiki tried to flee through the wall he was leaning up against, palms sliding against the floor as he tried to back away. Not that it mattered. Now that Naruto had his scent, escape was impossible.

Naruto raised an eyebrow as he noticed a few scrapes and the beginning of a few bruises on his bare feet. Heidiki had been running recklessly recently. Had he heard the other two coming?

Naruto discarded the idea instantly. The thought of either Kakashi or Itachi being noticed by trash such as this was absurd to the point of contemptibility.

He stepped up to the target and crouched down, resting elbows on knees and letting his hands dangle in between. Ignoring the man's whimpering, Naruto pulled off his mask – an act that he'd been expressly forbidden against – and studied Heidiki's face with curiosity.

Thin, sallow, and pockmarked, there didn't seem to be anything impressive about his features - nothing that marked him as a threat to Konoha. Placed in a crowd and dressed in the right clothing, there would be nothing truly worth mentioning.

"I-I haven't done anything!" Heidiki squeaked in a high, reedy voice.

"I don't care." Naruto said, pulling a kunai from his belt, savoring the smell of Heidiki's intensified fear. The man's cowardice was so thick it was almost palpable.

With a blur of motion, Naruto lopped off two of Heidiki's fingers on his right hand just above the knuckles and reveled in the sounds as the man's feeble mewling exploded into a high-pitched keen. The noble clutched his hand to his chest and as fumbled at the severed stumps with fumbling futility, thick fluid pouring onto his chest and staining his once immaculate shirt.

"Do you have dreams?" Naruto asked, as Heidiki continued to wail hysterically, his panic only serving to make his heart pump blood out faster.

After a moment's wait for an answer, Naruto grew impatient and, reaching out, took hold of two more of Heidiki's fingers and twisted them. With a snap, the man's scream intensified further, eyes widening so much that it appeared they were going to pop out of his head at any moment.

"Do you have dreams?" Naruto repeated, wiping the blood that'd smeared on him when he'd broken the noble's fingers across the noble's leg.

Frowning when he didn't get a response, Naruto was about to begin the process all over again on one of Heidiki's feet when he was distracted by the sound of doors banging open.

Head snapping around, Naruto watched with startled amazement as the closet doors burst open and a girl no older than four came lunging out, tears streaming down her round face.

"No!" Heidiki choked out, scrambling over of slick and wounded hands and legs to the girl, wrapping her up in his arms and burying his nose in her brown hair.

Naruto let him go, watching with some bemusement as the girl gripped her father's shirt, even as her own unicorn nightgown was stained by his blood.

"Don't hurt daddy!" She bawled, eyes screwing up tight.

Heidiki looked up at him. The fear that had once been reflected in his eyes had evaporated, replaced by a searing loathing.

Naruto stood, amazed. Where had the pain gone? The man had been a twitching wreck before. Now, his back was arched around his spawn protectively, his body ridged and coiled like a spring. He was prepared to fight tooth and nail.

"Stay back!" Heidiki yelled, his voice filled with venom.

Naruto growled, low inhuman, guttural sound, as his right eye began to throb.

This was all wrong. What broke Heidiki? Where had the pain gone? He had been so close to becoming strong before. It was all ruined now - by the thing he was clutching in his arms.

"Owl!" A stern, voice laiden with anger barked from the doorway.

Naruto's eyes snapped to the side to see Itachi looming in the doorway. His shoulders were raised and his cloak seemed to expand to encompass more than just the doorway. Inside the mask's eyeholes Itachi's sharingan spun with frenzied intensity displaying more emotion than Naruto had ever seen from the older ninja yet. Granted, this was their first official mission together.

"What?" Naruto asked nonchalantly, shrugging in an attempt to appear unfazed by the Uchiha's menacing appearance. On the inside, however, he was feeling a slightly apprehensive.

Had he accidently overlooking the girl upset the Uchiha to the point where Itachi might attack him? If the girl was what enraged his elder, then the problem was easily rectifiable.

Naruto acted smoothly. Coating the kunai with chakra and flipping it into throwing grip, he launched the weapon at the girl's head, intending to drive it through her skull and into the man's chest.

His attack never reached its target. In a clang and a flash of sparks, Naruto's kunai and the one Itachi had thrown to deflect his buried into the wall and floor like angry bees.

"Stand down." Kakashi's voice came from behind Itachi.  
>The ANBU captain stepped around the incensed Uchiha and moved over the where Heidiki still knelt. The noble's eyes had lost a lot of their previous focused and were now glazed from the blood loss setting in, but he was still conscious enough to draw his daughter closer to him as the white-haired ANBU approached.<p>

Kakashi stopped before the target, stared at him for a moment, meeting both the daughter's eyes and her father's, nodded curtly at them both, and then in a single smooth motion and a spray of blood and howling electricity, slit Heidiki's throat. The man didn't so much as twitch as blood streamed from the incision like a released waterfall, sliding down his neck to vanish into his shirt and daughter's brown hair.

The girl, for her part, didn't move. She simply stared at Kakashi blankly.

Naruto knew enough of genjutsu to recognize one placed on the girl. Kakashi must have put them both under one, as a mercy to relieve the pain. Why had Kakashi made them weaker?

"The mission was to kill the noble," Kakashi said in a low voice, "there was no need for," he swiped his hand broadly to indicate the whole base, "this!" he spat.

Kakashi spun to face Itachi, white mask reflecting the light streaming in through the window.

"Did the Hokage mention any of Owl's," he searched a moment for the right word, then, failing that, blurted, "insanity."

"I don't understand." Naruto said, blinking uncomprehendingly. He had thought ANBU would suit him. It would allow him to explore his ability to kill.

Itachi's shoulders, if possible, became even stiffer, any impressions of apathy vanished, melted away by the heat of his anger. His shadow seemed to stretch and merge with the others in the room, combining and becoming larger.

"This is not the place to argue. We _will_ talk about this on the way back to Konoha." The way Itachi had pronounced 'will' left no doubt in Naruto's mind that if the Uchiha did not receive the responses he wanted during that discussion, Naruto would have to either find a new body to live in, or a new village. Perhaps both. He only needed to figure out how to inhabit a new body.

**End of Interlude I**

**A/N: I'll be completely honest with you guys. In the original version of this story, the girl died – and Naruto force-fed her to the father. I decided against that version. The humor tag would **_**have**_** to have been removed then.**


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Naruto, Adventure, Humor