Babylon 5 1. The Thaw

TITLE : I Cant Make You Love Me Author : Cecilia Long Part 1 of 2; This is one Complete Story but due to popular demand, I am planning a sequel PAIRING (if any) Marcus and Susan Genre, ie: Sad romance with angst RATING: Ill give it a Pg-13 JUST in case DATE POSTED: Oh so long ago i cant remember  
  
DISCLAIMERS: This is a Song Fic. This story popped into my head when I heard the Reba Song "I cant make up You Love me". That belongs to her, I am just using it for it poingnancy. The Characters do not belong to me. I am just borrowing them. They belong to a variety of other TV muckity mucks.  
  
ARCHIVE INSTRUCTIONS (if any): Roundstation or its eventual replacement, and Wildbadgers.net...any one else please ask first.  
  
AUTHOR NOTES (if any) Well as I said this is a song fic. the sequal will also be a song fic. You MAY want a box of tissues  
  
Everything was dark. No. Not dark. Cloudy. Misty. The words wouldn't come to him. He felt strange. Out of touch. Drifting. There was no color, but things were not grey. There was nothing.  
  
He didn't know where he was, or why he was. All he knew was that this was not the right place for him to be. He strove to see in the nothing. He strove to reach out, and had nothing to reach out with. Yet he felt something. This was all so confusing. A wave of fear and panic washed over him  
  
Then, there in the nothing he saw light, and turned towards it in his fear, seeking something. He saw what he thought was a small tunnel of light. It attracted him, called to him, and beckoned to him from the emptiness. Something inside him knew instantly that everything he sought was in the light. It was his peace. He started to go towards it when a flurry of sound emanated from behind him.  
  
He heard voices, familiar yet unsure of what they were. He stopped in his quest for the tunnel, and listened. Thru the din, he separated out one deep voice. He knew that voice, and it was chastising him. He heard the sounds of frantic activity behind that voice.  
  
"Dammit Marcus! Don't you do this to me, you bastard! Cole, you aren't done here yet. You hear me? Cole!"  
  
Cole. Marcus Cole. That was he, and he knew that when he heard it. What did the voice mean, he wasn't done yet? Where was this voice coming from?  
  
"Marcus, you damned bloody limey mother fucker. I swear to god that if you give this up..." The voice trailed off, obviously on the verge of tears. Marcus could hear the strain in the man's voice. Yes, that one was a man. There was a faint thump thumping sound that reverberated around him  
  
Where was he, Marcus Cole, that people were cursing him?  
  
Marcus took one look back at the light, a light that promised him everything, and headed back towards those sounds.  
  
The moment he made that decision, Marcus felt like he had dropped off the edge of a building, falling through the nothing. He fell what seemed like eternity. A scream filled his mind, his being as he fell, the terror unlike anything else he had experienced.  
  
Marcus Cole arched his back, trying to scream out, but something was blocking his ability to do so, and he started to gag. His limbs were restrained, limiting his movements. The pain was so intense it overwhelmed him, and the Ranger writhed in agony. He felt as if his skin, his flesh, his bones, were burning. He felt as if someone was beating him.  
  
He forced his eyes open, and saw a myriad of tubes emanating from his body. There was a large monitoring panel over his torso. People stood all around him. One in particular stood directly above him. Marcus recognized him immediately as Dr. Stephen Franklin. The dark eyes were damp, and streaks of moisture glistened on his ebony skin. A relief filled his features, and Stephen set the instruments aside. "Marcus. It's okay. It's okay." The Doctor firmly said to the anxious man beneath him, struggling on the table. "Take it easy. Relax there big boy. You're hooked to a respirator. Don't try to talk, you wont be able to. The more you struggle the worse that gagging will become."  
  
Marcus desperately sought to calm himself, trying to focus on some of the Minbari techniques he had learned in the Rangers. He heard and felt the frantic pounding of his own heart within his chest. Stephens's hand rested consolingly on the raven haired head of the Ranger, gently stroking the tangled, sweaty strands.  
  
Glancing around to try and take more stock of the situation, Marcus forced himself to move despite the excruciating pain. He was laying naked on a medlab table, surrounded by several medical workers. Besides the tube down his throat, taped to his mouth, several IV's, and the torso panel, he had a catheter tube in his privates as well.  
  
Stephen noted the blush that rose to the cheeks of his patient, and grabbed a short sheet from under the table, covering his groin area to give Marcus a bit of privacy. "Don't worry Marcus. You haven't got anything any of us haven't seen before." The doctor could almost hear the smart aleck retort he would have gotten back if the Ranger had been able to speak. All Marcus could do now was glare at him in frustration. "I know it must be difficult for you, but I need to keep the respirator in overnight. We'll try weaning it off you in the morning. I guess I should give you an update of your condition. That might help you understand. Do you remember ANTYHING that happened to you prior to this Marcus?"  
  
The brow of the Ranger furrowed in thought as tried to remember back. Everything was quite vague, but when memory began to return, the color all drained from his face. His mind raced back to when he had hooked himself up to the alien healing device in an attempt to save the life of Susan Ivanova. Susan lay dying having been mortally wounded in battle. Marcus could not accept that fact, disobeyed orders and flew back to Babylon 5. He had broken all of Stephen's secret codes to figure out how to work the alien healing device. There was no way he could let Susan die. He loved her too much to let her go that way. If there was only one way to give his love to her, then that was it. He had never expected to live through the process, and the fear of failure engulfed him.  
  
Stephen must have recognized the question in Marcus' emerald eyes, and gently smiled down upon him. "Yes, Marcus. Susan's alive. You saved her life...." Then the Doctor's expression morphed into a quite perturbed visage. "But Cole, when you are better and I can kick your butt across this station. Be prepared. That was a really STUPID thing you did. You know that!" Stephen didn't even wait for a response from his patient.  
  
"You came THIS far," he held up a finger and thumb barely and inch apart," from dying yourself. I had to put you cryo for three weeks till I got the guts to try and revive you. That's one of the reasons you're on the respirator. I almost lost you there. I hazard that you were technically dead for a few minutes. I didn't think I was gonna be able to get your heart kicking again there Cole. One minute there was fading minimal brain activity and no cardiac response, classic death, and the next minute, Whoosh! Its all back full steam."  
  
His anguished tale exhausted, Stephen's tone took back on a more happy flavor. "Susan is fine, Marcus, aside from the emotional baggage she has been carting around because of what you did. She wasn't too happy at first, thinking you were pretty much dead because of her, noble reasons or not. She has been following your progress with much interest. I think she wants HER turn at kicking your butt, too. She's probably on her way down now. Dr. Hobbs was under orders to let her know immediately what happened."  
  
Marcus got a feeling of horror, and a pit formed in his gut. Susan was coming down now? Here he was, naked and confined on a table, wired up like some puppet, and he had nowhere to hide, and no way not to face her.  
  
Just then, that icy familiar voice emanated from the doorway, " Well, Stephen?" Captain Susan Ivanova stood in the doorway, out of Marcus sight initially, her attention focused on Dr. Franklin.  
  
Franklin disappeared from Marcus limited view, but he continued to be able to be heard. "So far, it looks like we got our Station Ranger back. Had a very close call there, but right now, he seems to be doing alright."  
  
"Is he awake?"  
  
"At the moment, yes, I think."  
  
Marcus heard the firm boot steps of his love move closer. He closed his eyes quickly; afraid of what was to come. He never thought he would have to actually come to terms with her over what he had done. He wondered what SHE remembered about the incident. Had she heard his confession as the machine had drained his life force?  
  
"Marcus?" She waited a moment when she got no response. "Marcus Cole! If you're awake, look at me, right now!" The knife-edge to her command struck a nerve, and the Ranger slowly opened his eyes, practically trembling at the thought of what he would find.  
  
Above him appeared the angel of his life, his vision of beauty. She wore her old Earthgov uniform again instead of the Army of Light, but this time she sported Captain's insignia. A few things had happened in his weeks being out of touch it seemed. Her azure eyes flamed with emotion, long curly hair cascading around those sharp, Russian features. Susan's cheek twitched, as if she was fighting back speech.  
  
Ivanova glared at him for a long moment, then blurted out, "You know Cole, this is NOT a good way to try and get my attention. I should shove you right out of an airlock for breaking command orders and coming back here on the account of just me. What in God's name were you thinking there? Thinking. That is the wrong word to use because you disconnected your brain, didn't you?" Her voice rose steadily and she was almost shouting. The Captain heard the systems monitor increase in tempo of beeps and blips as the nervous agitation of the prone man was revealed in his autonomous functions.  
  
"Susan?" Stephen took a precautionary step forward, but stopped with a quick raise of the woman's hand.  
  
The long body of the ranger was now visibly shaking. There was no way for him to respond or explain to her, and Ivanova knew that. She knew why he had done what he did, and it ate her up inside. As she lay healing, and he lay dying, she had her conversation with God in her own illusion of passing beyond the veil. But it wasn't god telling her how much he loved her. It was the Station Ranger, Marcus Cole. Months of speculation came to a swift realization when she awoke, unable to move, and unable to reach over and shut the damn machine off. He had tried to give his life in his utter devotion of her. Until that moment, she had blatantly ignored all the little signs of his infatuation; the conversation on the Whitestar, the organizational chart, his gift of bacon and eggs. Then it became so clear, as if a dense fog had lifted from her brain.  
  
In the three weeks Marcus had been in cryo, she had come down everyday after her own release, to sit with him. She would use that time to question everything that had happened. She would yell at the frozen Ranger, beating on the tube at times. Sometimes she would cry, thankful that very few people ever went to that section of medlab. Other times she would remember the times the obnoxious Ranger made her laugh and smile, a very difficult task in itself.  
  
She had not figured that Marcus would have survived, and had prepared herself for that fact. It came as a surprise when she received the frantic call from Dr. Hobbs that Stephen had taken a chance and decided to try and revive him. She had immediately left C&C and ran down to the Infirmary, unsure of the reasons behind her momentary panic. The medical team had just started working on the Ranger when she stumbled in.  
  
Ivanova pulled up a chair, and intently watched the whole proceedings on a monitor in the other room. When the cryo tube had defrosted Marcus enough, his body was removed, and a respirator, IV and several other tubes were inserted into his body. Stephen was keeping a very close eye on the brain activity. She watched as they repeatedly used the resuscitation shocks on the equpiment to try and shock his heart into beating and restoring life. Again, for a long time, Susan was convinced that Marcus was not going to make it through the procedure, especially when after Stephen thought he had everything under control, the Ranger simply crashed. They injected him with a myriad of drugs, used a numerous amount of stimulus, and even had Stephen pounding on his chest with a closed fist, screaming at the prone figure.  
  
Just as Susan was convinced the flatline was permanent, and rose to leave, Stephen in his utter desperation to save his friend, had used the electrical stimulus one more time, and this time a heartbeat remained on the EKG, and the EEG levels shot up to rapid activity. A moment later, Marcus had started to thrash on the table. Then she knew she had to face him. It was something she had to do.  
  
Now she had taken that first step, and the easiest one. He couldn't go anywhere, couldn't even talk back to her, and she knew it must be practically killing him again. His lambasting was over for the moment. Ivanova didn't want to send him back into cardiac arrest. She forced herself to meet his apprehensive stare. Biting her upper lip, Ivanova inhaled deeply, and said softly, "But what I really needed to do today was thank you. I...I know why you did it, or at least why you think you did it. I heard what you said to me as you were...fading."  
  
Marcus flushed a deep crimson and his eyes rolled up like the guilty child. The Captain could tell that he never figured that his confession in the last moments of what he thought was his life would come back to haunt him. Susan leaned over him, placing a hand on either side of his head, and leaning in close. "Tell me the truth, Cole. Is what you said...true? Do you mean what you said?" She bent her head so that her words met with his ears only. "Do you love me, Marcus?"  
  
He didn't even have to answer her. Ivanova saw it in his eyes, deep and burning, unlike anything she had ever seen before. The closest Susan could imagine was the passion she had felt once for the telepath traitor, Talia, but the Ranger's was something else altogether. It was more pure, more adoring, something he would have had much difficulty coming forth with on his own.  
  
Ivanova didn't know what to say at that moment. What did you say to a man who just admitted that he was incredibly, madly in love with you? Soldiers had died for Ivanova before, either by her order or in her service. This was different. The soldiers did as their duty, not out of some incredible feeling for her. IN fact she felt that most people probably didn't even like her very much. She was cold, distant and exacting. Marcus was not expected to die for her. She had not asked this of him, but he was, raised from the dead, and all for her.  
  
Uncertainty still coursing through her body, Ivanova gently placed her lips on the warm skin of his forehead, the odor of cryo preservative still strong on him. She felt him shiver under her tender action. Butterflies flew through her stomach, and her own panic set in. "I'll see how you're doing later, Cole." She mumbled, and turned swiftly on her heel, leaving the befuddled man staring after her as far as he could manage to twist his head.  
  
With the exit of the Captain, the medical personnel resumed their activities on Marcus, who just closed his eyes to try and distance himself from this moment, unsure of the meaning of what had just transpired.  
  
A week had passed now, and Dr. Franklin had finally deigned to remove the last offending piece of equipment from Marcus' body, even if the good physician would not release him. Marcus made sure to make his dissension well known in the medlab every instant he could.  
  
As Stephen slapped a band-aid on the small puncture holes from the intravenous, the Ranger let out a wail. "Careful there, Stephen. You only let your medical professionals here bruise me up one side and down the other, and now you beat on me."  
  
With a sigh, Franklin gave his patient a frustrated glance. He knew this confinement was like an itch Marcus couldn't scratch, although even Stephen's patience was wearing thin at this point. He had been able to remove the respirator after a day, but the rest of the bodily functions took a little longer to kick back in, so the pernicious Anla'shok was kept in the hands of the Med lab staff. Franklin still was amazed at how fast the Ranger was improving though. The medical officer had always been taken a bit aback at the speed of Marcus' recoveries, empowered mainly by the sheer will and inner strength of his Minbari trained friend.  
  
It wasn't the physical damage that had Stephen concerned though, but the emotional damage. Marcus had failed in his quest to end his life for Susan's, and now how they would face each other after this incident was very much in question. Having spoken to Susan shortly after his assumed death, she had admitted that she had started to see the Ranger's feelings towards her in those hours before her terrible accident. Ordinarily that would have given her a choice of whether to pursuer the issue or not, but now, all the tragic events of the past months had put a horrific spin on the whole situation. She knew she hated him and loved him at the same for what Marcus had done for her. Ivanova did not know what she was going to do, and that was a bad thing for the Captain. That was a position that she did not like to be put in.  
  
Susan had been back by a couple of times to check on Marcus, but had refrained from actually seeing him. She resorted to just watching him briefly through the observation glass. She had distanced herself dramatically from everyone since Marcus had returned, having to face her own demons. The act of devotion from the Station Ranger for the Commander had already flew through the station, and made it off world. Now his sudden revival had brought awash a new flurry of gossiping, everyone having their own opinion. Marcus must have noticed Susan's deliberate absence, but had said not a word concerning it.  
  
Cole had met with Delenn a few days after his revival concerning his actions and had taken loving reprimand from his superior. The Minbari had thoroughly chastised her wayward agent for the recklessness in what he did, put him a two-week suspension, assigned him a huge regiment of meditation rituals, and spent a long time just talking and holding his hand. Marcus took everything Delenn threw out with an unusual humbleness that took Stephen quite aback. If only the Doctor could have the same effect on the Rangers as Sheridan's new wife did.  
  
"So Stephen, when in Valen's name are you going to release me from this prison...I mean facility?" The chipper and irritating voice of the Ranger broke Stephen from his reverie of thoughts.  
  
"As soon as I can, Cole," Franklin responded with a sigh. "Believe me, if I could toss your sorry ass out right at this moment I would."  
  
"I knew you cared." Marcus chuckled back.  
  
Both the men froze with a soft, familiar voice behind them. "Yes he does." Stephen turned and moved out of the Rangers way to see Susan Ivanova standing in the doorway. Looking kind of sheepish, she turned her head away for a moment, then back to lock onto the bedridden man. "A lot of people care about you. So do I, Marcus. I'm...glad your feeling better. You look a lot better then the last time we talked."  
  
The corner of Marcus' mouth curled up in a small grin. He cleared his throat and said back, "Well, it more like a you spoke and I listened kind of thing, really, if you want to get technical."  
  
Susan blinked, and shook her head. She smiled a bit, laughing under her breath. "I see, Dr. that you haven't cured that smart mouth of his, yet."  
  
"No, Captain. Believe me, I have worked valiantly for an off switch, but the search has been in vain." Franklin walked over and extended his hand, taking hers in a firm grip.  
  
"Perhaps that respirator could be used more often...? That seemed to work." Susan shot back in amusement.  
  
"Now, wait a minute here..." Marcus started to retort, but was promptly interrupted and ignored.  
  
"Oh, I have thought about it on more then one occasion."  
  
"So when are you going to give him the ol' boot there?" Susan wandered closer to Marcus' bed, and sat down in the chair next to him. She kept her attention on the medical officer though, ignoring the Ranger's grimace.  
  
Sucking in a bit of air, Franklin furrowed his brow. He ran a hand over his face as if in deep thought. "Well, I was going to spring this on him as a surprise, but I was going to let him go in the morning, with restrictions on activities of course."  
  
"Tomorrow?" Marcus brightened visibly, straightening up in his bed. He settled back, a huge grin on his face, when Stephen nodded at him.  
  
"But you are going to have to make me some big promises there, Cole. You understand?"  
  
"Bugger Stephen. I can't think of much worse you can do to me out there then you've done in here..."  
  
"Ho ho ho. Don't try me there, big guy! The mind reels with ideas."  
  
The two had temporarily forgotten the Captain, who waited impatiently for them. Finally she cleared her throat, and they both turned to look at her. "When you are finally paroled there Marcus," she started nervously," Do you want to...go to dinner or something?" She felt a twinge of apprehension in the long moment of eerie silence that followed. Had she overstepped her bounds she wondered?  
  
It took a good minute before Marcus was able to pick his jaw up off the side of the bed. Had Susan really propositioned him? Hoping he wasn't hallucinating, he dumbly nodded, and barely was able to choke out, "I'd be honored. Thank you Susan."  
  
"I owe you a chance after all this, I think." She quietly added, then turned and quickly left the room.  
  
While ecstatic at being given the opportunity to pursue his ultimate dream, something in Ivanova's words left a small mark of concern in the back of the Ranger's mind. He brushed it aside, hoping desperately that it was all in his mind, and not the foreboding sign of the future that his first instinct said it was. 


	2. Dawn Breaks

Three and one half months later:::  
  
Marcus Cole wandered slowly through the Zocalo, watching everything and paying attention to nothing. His thoughts drifted back again, reliving the past few months.  
  
Susan had started to date him after he was released from Stephen's care. They had gotten along quite well, enjoying their time together, so he thought. He could not have been happier when in a few weeks she had consented to be with him intimately. It was the most sensual thing he could ever have experienced, and the last thing he ever thought her would have, and he spent a lot of time with her. She exuded such passion and vibrancy that he hadn't a clue for a few months that anything was wrong. She had even had him move in with her on a more or less regular basis.  
  
Then slowly, Marcus noticed small changes. Her busy schedule running the station ran into constant overtime. She was more then willing to extend her time for the most minor incident that happened. He hadn't thought anything of it until the fifth or sixth cancelled date in a row. He hadn't said a word until she hadn't even noticed that he had once disappeared for a week, not returning to the Captain's quarters.  
  
He had tried to ask her if there was something wrong. He tried to offer his support and concern, and was met with a miffed rebuff. It came to a head a few days prior. Susan was supposed to have met him, and again the Ranger had sat alone, waiting. Finally he tracked her down, in the officer's lounge, reviewing documents with a shot of vodka.  
  
He stalked across the busy room, unnoticed, her back to him. He tapped her on the shoulder, and she practically jumped from her skin. "Can I talk to you.in private?"  
  
"Marcus. What are you doing here?" The surprised officer blurted out, glancing nervously at her notepad, but she made no motion to leave the bar.  
  
He was tired of covering for her, and if she thought that staying here in public would defray his question, she was greatly mistaken this time. "Gee, I don't know, Susan. Perhaps I could still be sitting down at the restaurant, eating all their breadsticks, again." He replied, in his jaunty sarcastic way. "You know I don't mind dining alone, but when for the fifth time in two weeks I have told them that I will have a guest, and I never do, it makes them start to wonder if I am a bit looped. I don't know. What do you think?"  
  
A flash of color crossed Susan's pale features as she realized what he was referring to. "I'm sorry, Marcus. I had a problem come up, and got involved and just, well..." She trailed off.  
  
"Is your com link broken?"  
  
Ivanova grabbed his arm, and drug him off toward the side. Heads had turned, as a simple question erupted into a full scaled whispered argument in the corner.  
  
"I said I was sorry, Cole. What more do you want from me?" She hissed at him, trying to act oblivious to the show they were putting on to the other crew members.  
  
"You could have at least called, Susan." Marcus had replied, inspecting his fingernails, in an attempt to act nonchalant.  
  
"I forgot, Marcus."  
  
"I can understand that once or twice, but come on Susan, this is becoming a pattern."  
  
"Things have just been hectic around here. You know how it gets. How long have you been on this station? To know what goes on here?" She retorted accusingly.  
  
"Do you just want to tell me something? Or are we going to keep playing this game?"  
  
"I don't know what you mean." The icy mask dropped quickly on the Captain.  
  
"No, I suppose you don't. I had thought you might have been a tad more considerate after all this."  
  
"I guess I could have. Don't tell me, you never make an error in judgment. You never make a mistake." Susan planted her hands firmly on her hips.  
  
"Perhaps I already made my largest error in judgment." He instantly regretted his words, as a wave of pain erupted in Susan's eyes. If Marcus could have bitten his own tongue off he would have.  
  
"Well, maybe we both made a major mistake!" She yelled, anger getting the best of her. She suddenly clasped her hand over her mouth realizing that the whole of her staff had clearly heard that comment. Almost all the eyes in the establishment were focused straight on the couple.  
  
Marcus blanched, realizing that things were on a horrible downwards spiral. He turned and fled as fast as he could without running, not noticing the glares and eyes fixated on the Captain. He collapsed against a wall outside the room trembling from head to toe, tears welling in green eyes. What had he done? How had he been so wrong?  
  
A few hours later, he had made his way down to one of the public bars on the Zocalo. Settling into a back booth, feet propped up onto a neighboring chair, he tried to concentrate on long overdue paperwork. He faced away from the rest of the occupants; constantly afraid of being caught being brought close to the point of tears with his wild thoughts.  
  
He heard footsteps in the hall behind him, and people settling in behind him. It would have meant nothing if he hadn't have recognized the voices as two of the female officer's who had witnessed the previous encounter. Their conversation instantly nabbed the ears of the curious Ranger.  
  
"What do you think is going to happen between them?" Marcus heard one say. There was a shuffling as bodies and possessions were arranged in the booth.  
  
A heavy sigh. "I don't know. I know what I would like to see.A happy ending. Knowing the Captain though, I think that is about as likely as Teeps being given Mars."  
  
"What about the Ranger?"  
  
"Can you believe the Captain? How can she just treat him like that? You would think she would be a lot more grateful after someone gives their life for you. Hell! If someone as nice as that Ranger would ever suck his life force for me, I would be in his debt forever. I would owe him everything. I can't even imagine being that.selfish."  
  
"A couple of beers please." and the conversation drifted off into another direction.  
  
Marcus sat there dumbfounded, staring at the wall. The reality of it all had hit him harder then any physical blow could have. The two women had unintentionally hit the nail on the head in their observations.  
  
Was he simply a mercy case, and now it was becoming a duty, a chore, and she resented that? Even if Susan's willingness to see him had come from legitimate feelings to start, the pressure of owing everything to him probably gnawed at her sense of self-righteous independence. She was expected to return favor to him in the eyes of her fellows, and she knew it. That destroyed anything that could have really been there before. FUBAR. By the simple act of committing suicide for the one you loved.  
  
No! He chided himself. Susan would never give into peer pressure like that. She wasn't one to give into what the general populous felt was correct. She would never subjugate herself to the idea of servitude. Would she? Marcus gathered his things up and headed back to his quarters for a night of troubled sleep..  
  
It was the next day, when in the café, Susan approached him that Marcus felt his decision was made for him. In a public spectacle for the Captain, she sauntered over a smile on her face.  
  
"Marcus."  
  
The Ranger carefully returned her smile," What do I owe the pleasure?" He barely allowed his eyes to glance around to observe the scene around them.  
  
"Look," She sat down across from him. "I'm sorry about last night. Call it a weak excuse, but things have been really..hard for me lately. It wasn't right of me to go off on you like that for what was my own fault." Susan searched hard in the Ranger's face for some sort of reaction or emotion. Seeing nothing she could read, Susan nervously continued. "Give me a chance to make it up to you. At least let me try."  
  
"Answer me one thing, Susan?"  
  
"Sure. Anything."  
  
"Do you have feelings for me, Susan?"  
  
Ivanova was taken aback by the question. She fumbled for an answer, then blurted out, "Of course, Marcus. Do you think I would go through all this if I didn't?"  
  
"You know I love you. Do you love me?" He leaned closer, waiting. He just had to find out if what he feared was true.  
  
"I care for you Marcus, more then I can tell you." Susan breathed, looking away. "Please believe me."  
  
Marcus silently sat back, studying his heart's obsession as closely as he could. He saw it all so clearly now, as if the rose glasses had been torn from his skull. He smiled weakly and took her hand. "I know Susan. I know you do. I just had to.hear it."  
  
"So, do you want to come over later?" She asked, squeezing his fingers. If she had seen through his mask, she didn't let on.  
  
"I have some things to do first. Anla'Shok stuff." The Ranger choked out, clearing his throat. "I'll come by tonight. It might be late if I can make it."  
  
Shrugging, Susan nodded. "Okay. You know how to let yourself in." She stood up, and bent over to plant a gentle kiss on his head. He trembled at the moment of tenderness. "I've got to get to work. Someone has to run this station, you know!" She smiled and spun around to head to C&C.  
  
When the jelly had left his legs a few minutes later, Marcus made his way back to his quarters, and collapsed. He had spent the night wandering the station, debating his course of action. The Ranger had finally realized that his dreams were nothing but fantasy, and the veracity of it was tearing him up worse then anything he had ever imagined. He had earlier that day sent a private message to Delenn, requesting to be transferred from Babylon 5. His life could not be here on the space station any longer.  
  
This morning was the last chance he had to invalidate his suspicions, and he couldn't. Nothing would ever keep him from loving Susan with every ounce of his being, not even this. He had spoken long and hard with Delenn after she had received his note and called him personally. To say she wasn't pleased was an understatement. Even from Minbar the fire that made her the strong leader she was burned through him and she raked him up one side and down the other. It took every ounce of strength and conviction he held to convince his superior that this wasn't a rash action.  
  
He knew that all their friends had the highest hopes that they could find happiness together. It might have been possible at one time, but the moment for that had passed. He knew that while she held feelings for him, they would always be tainted with the memory of his actions. Indebtedness was apparently something Susan couldn't live with. It clouded her judgment, even when he asked for nothing from it. Perhaps she felt it was the sword of Damocles over her head.  
  
He spent many hours contemplating whether she would be better off with the false memory of indebted love if he had died. He also labored over how he would be if his efforts had been in vain and Susan had passed beyond the veil. What reality would have transpired? The choices were limitless.  
  
Right here right now he had to live with the choice he had made and the fallout from it. He loved her more then life itself. If his love would be a burden, then he would have to let go. If you love something, let it go. He knew deep down that she would not return to him, but he prayed for the first time in years that she would return to someone, that perhaps it might have opened a window, where he had closed a door. All he wanted ever was to make her happy.  
  
Later that night, he had composed himself enough to face her one last time after he finished his business. His few belongings he had packed, a Whitestar arriving for him in the morning. Marcus surveyed his now empty room except for a few bags by the door. He had composed a few messages on data crystals for his close friends on the station about his sudden and unexpected departure. They would be delivered after he boarded. He would miss Stephen, his best friend he had allowed in his life. Susan's was the hardest message he composed though. He would miss this place, this bastion of the universe, but it had to be done.  
  
Marcus had asked Delenn only that the whole thing be kept under wraps, until it was done. A new Station Ranger, Sharon Graves, would be taking his place. She was a good Ranger, he knew, having worked with her in the past. Susan would like her too. Thankfully, Delenn had given him final choice on his replacement and reluctantly agreed to his request  
  
Marcus rang at Ivanova's quarters, a knot of dread welling up in his stomach. He made every effort to hide his unease, praying his years of training and secrecy would not fail him now. The door slid open, and Susan stood there, smiling.  
  
"Hi Marcus." She said, motioning him inside. The Ranger silently entered. "I was just going to bed. Didn't think you were going to make it."  
  
He ran his finger along the edge of the sofa, studying the room, drinking in everything he could of her. "I had a lot of things to finish. Sorry."  
  
Ivanova looked at him strangely. "Didn't know they were keeping you that busy. Anything I should know about?"  
  
Marcus smirked a moment and laughed under his breath, looking away from her. Slowly he shook his head, and replied, " No. Well nothing that I want to think about now. All in due time, Susan. Let's not deal with work tonight. Please?"  
  
The Captain shrugged. "No problem. Hard day, eh?"  
  
"You couldn't believe."He plopped himself down on the sofa, resting his head back.  
  
She came around and sat next to him. "Tired?"  
  
============Turn down the lights. Turn down the bed. Turn down these voices inside me head.=============  
  
"Mmmmmmmmm." He moaned softly, trying to ignore a huge headache building behind his eyes. All the stress from the past few days was resurfacing into his psyche. She tentatively took his hand and stroked it gently.  
  
"Do you want to.. You know?" Susan cautiously started to ask, running a finger over his thigh.  
  
A shudder ran through him, as her touch sent electrifying jolts to every nerve ending. Marcus quickly grabbed her hand. He knew this wasn't a good idea. It would be in his mind akin to using her, when he was going to be gone the next day. On the other hand, he didn't want to be a mercy fuck either, and after all the events, that thought also crossed his mind. Whether it was true or not, he wanted to leave somewhat pure memories. Bringing her hand to his lips, he gazed deep into her blue eyes. "No. I just..want you to hold me. I just want to go to sleep in your arms. Just his once."  
  
============Lay down with me, tell me no lies. Just hold me close, don't patronize. Don't patronize me.========= ===========Cause I cant make you love me, if you don't. You cant make your heart feel something it wont.====== ===========Here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power=============== ===========But you wont, No you wont. Cause I cant make you love me if you don't.=======================  
  
He wanted to do more, but he knew he couldn't. As he nestled his head on her chest, he sighed. He listened so deeply to her heartbeat, and her soft breaths. He breathed in her essence, making every effort to imprint it on his brain. The darkness of the room was comforting. It hid the pained expression on his face as realized he would never again have even the illusion of her love. Tears slowly moistened his eyes, brimming through the closed lids, and rolling down his cheek. If Susan felt the dampness that built on her nightgown, she made no indication. Her hand just gently stroked his long hair.  
  
===========I'll close my eyes, then I wont see The love you don't feel, when you're holding me================ ===========Morning will come, and I'll do what's right. Just give me till then to give up this fight================ ===========And I will give up this fight===========================================================  
  
Susan had drifted to sleep easily, while Marcus lay awake. All the doubts in the world cascaded upon him. How could he leave the woman he loved with every ounce of his soul? Why had he called Delenn? Perhaps he was just reading too much into everyday events. Maybe she did love him..  
  
No. It was his time. He had given her life, and now he had to give her freedom. It would do no good to either of them to play this charade. He had to take his penance, and that was the knowledge that Susan would never be his. Someday, she just might be able to love someone, having no guilt trips and burdens upon her anymore. The Ranger knew that his future was one alone. He would never love anyone as he did Susan. And he would not even try. It was not possible once you died for the one. She was the One.  
  
=========Cause I can't make you love me if you don't. You cant make your heart feel something it wont.===== =========Here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power============= =========But you wont, no you wont. Cause I cant make you love me, if you don't.=====================  
  
Marcus never did sleep, and an hour or so before Susan would normally wake, he rose up. He stood and watched her sleeping peacefully, a small smile on her face. He bent over, brushing her long hair back. From his cloak he took out a small knife, and ever so carefully cut off a lock of the rich auburn tresses. His lips brushed hers, and waves of fear and doubt passed through him once more, but he pushed them away. What was done was done.  
  
The Ranger took a data crystal out of his pocket and set it up on the pillow beside her head. He had recorded a message for her, and her alone. There was no way to explain his actions, so he didn't even try. He expressed his undying love for her, and that he knew she would never feel the same about him as he did for her, and wished her the best in the universe and to think upon him kindly once in a while. What else could he say but the truth. He owed her that much.  
  
Marcus Cole drank in her image one more time, barely able to breathe, and taking every ounce of control not to break down into tears. Then spinning on his heel, he glided silently out of her quarters, towards the waiting Whitestar. He knew that in another hour, the rest of his messages would be delivered by another Ranger to those he felt needed one. His job here was done.  
  
The halls were strangely empty, even for this time of night. It was as if the station itself wanted its time with its Ranger. He smiled and patted the cool metal as he walked through the halls. This station had been such a part of his life, and death, for so many years. He was losing two lovers, in an odd sort of way. At the Whitestar, Marcus didn't even look back. That would be too hard. He greeted the Minbari crew, and went to his place in the Captain's chair. In a little over an hour, Babylon 5 would be in his history.  
  
"Whitestar 30. Ready for departure. Permission for clearance requested. Shall I hold them?"  
  
Lt. Corwin glanced at his monitor. He nodded at the officer across from him at one of the monitoring boards who was dealing with the flow of ships. "No. No need to hold up an Alliance ship. Give them priority. Ranger's away!"  
  
The young blond woman opened the channel to the waiting ship. "Whitestar 30, you have been cleared for departure." She turned her attention to the next ship in the queue.  
  
"Stop all ship movement, now!" All the attention turned when the Captain burst onto the C&C, half dressed and a frantic fire in her eyes. Captain Susan Ivanova stormed over to the lists, scanning them quickly.  
  
"Damn it Corwin!" Ivanova yelled at the Lieutenant, slamming her hands on the control panel. "Why did you let that ship out?"  
  
The Second stared at her in wide-eyed confusion. He was past the point of cowering from her wrath, having grown accustomed to it over the years. "Sir! That's my JOB! It was a Whitestar. I wasn't under any orders to bother with the dealing of the Alliance vessels, just the normal shipping vessels. Was there something I should have been looking for on that Whitestar?"  
  
"Hail it, Farierez." Ivanova snapped, ignoring Corwin, turning to a dark haired woman at another console.  
  
"I'm sorry sir. There's no response. I'm assuming they went to silent." Farierez replied, a tinge of concern in her voice as she turned her dark eyes to her superior.  
  
Corwin stepped back into Ivanova's line of sight. "I can send out a squadron of Starfuries to intercept. .?"  
  
"No," The Commander curtly said. A mask slid across her face, and she drifted into a long stony, silence as she watched the Whitestar accelerate into the jumpgate vortex and disappear. "No, Lt.. No need. It was my mistake." She continued to watch the blank space where the ship had disappeared for a long, long time, as the C&C continued its operations around her.  
  
In the Whitestar, the tall, dark haired Ranger sat back in his Captain's chair. He watched the bulk form of the space station known as Babylon 5 grow smaller and smaller as they zoomed away from it. His dark green eyes shimmered with the only bit of emotion that he showed.  
  
.  
  
The human didn't even look at the Minbari crewmember that had distracted him. At first he said nothing, as if he didn't hear the Minbari, but right before the statement was reissued, he replied back in flawless Minbari.  
  
Not once taking his eyes off the station, Marcus Cole issued the order that would end this part of his life forever. A lump as large as a moon rose in his throat as he choked out, in English, "Jump." Framed but for a final view in the orange ring of the jump gate, the steel mass of Babylon 5 vanished in the blaze of hyperspace  
  
A single tear escaped from his clouded eyes, rolling slowly down his bearded face. Marcus Cole, previous Station Ranger for Babylon 5, was on his was to Tuzanor, of his own free will. He wondered if he would ever regret his decision. But what was done was done. 


End file.

Babylon 5, Angst, Romance