Mass Effect Bacon and Eggs

**A/N:** after weeks of feeling 'nothing' for being creative... i write this... huh... -snickers-

can't really place it and don't really care, some time after the citadel thing and Rannoch thing, as Ashley and Tali are squad members, based loosely on my ME run through, or at least using my same Shepard from 'Should Have Installed Locks', 'Learning Experience' and whatever other ME stuff i've written... i say its after those events because i just remember playing and the same time i went to go talk to Tali who was getting drunk, i walked into the dining room to see Vega cooking eggs because apparently him and Ashley got drunk the night before... walking in on her groaning on the floor was hilarious...

**Dis:** Bioware got dis~

ENJOY!

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Bacon and Eggs

The Universe was at War! No, this really wasn't any kind of 'news' just an over stated fact. One the members of the Normandy were overly aware of. So used to being 'at WAR!' the crew was used to long, overly exaggerated days, superiors busting in and out of fire-fights, random alien emissaries on board, various Xeno-crew members being 'angsty' and doing their 'alien' thing; such as that scarred Turian always fiddling with 'calibrations' in the main battery, or that mousy (yet oddly scary) Asari that stayed locked up in her room behind the kitchen, or that buggy alien the crew was still trying to accept the fact as indeed a 'living' Prothean… he was kind of a jerk, going on about how 'superior' his species was and any human worth their salt wanted to point out he was the ONLY ONE left… so much for their 'superiority'.

So what was 'strange' about today? Well the previously deemed 'Quarian Admiral' just stumbled out of the bar groggily swaying from one way and the next, hand out to 'reach' the wall but never quite finding it. what crew members inhabited the 'dining' area quickly vacated, because while Tali was not longer an 'Admiral' or whatever for _her_ people she had 'joined' the crew as their 'other' chief engineer. Which was funny since they already had 'one' and Adams didn't seem particularly interested in staying in the engine room since those ex-cerbys seemed to claim the place. Another odd fact, that as soon as the 'Quarian Admiral' had joined their 'crew' she'd gone and wasted an entire day at the bar… only now stumbling out…

Tali miraculously found her way to that one table in the middle of the dining area, using her HUD to find the chair and immediately drop into it, not caring for those who might see and immediately slamming her faceplate into the metal thing. The "Ow," that proceeded was entirely unnecessary and out of some weird habit.

"Late night," the odd two-toned voice of the 'Turian' in charge of the main battery cut into the woman's audio sensors. With all the effort of a slug Tali turned her head, dropping it further on the table as her fogged faceplate spied Garrus. The scarred Turian could see her narrowed glowing eyes and surmised that was all the response he was going to get. A bit of smirk picked at the edge of his lips as his mandibles chittered, raising a protein drink with a straw in one hand closer to his mouth before ending his statement, "too much time fiddling with the engines?"

Those glowing eyes narrowed more, and if Garrus didn't know any better she was staring specifically at the straw on his protein-juice-box, "Quiet _Bosh'tet_," she raised her hand closest to him, pointing at the straw more than him, "I don't need your help in calibrating anything…"

Garrus decided she sounded drunk… or hung-over, -_How does a Quarian deal with a hung-over?_- his own grey-in-black eyes narrowed on her as she dropped her hand, still 'glaring' at his straw that he moved to drink out of. –_Better question, how _DOES_ a Quarian get drunk to begin with?_-

It was momentarily quiet aside from straw-sipping as the two Dextro-Aliens seemed intent to 'glare' at one another.

A door off to the left _woosh!ed_ open as Liara, for whatever reason, seemed to stumble out fiddling with the collar of her top. The not-paying-any-attention Asari scientist slipped around the short wall and went directly to the fridge, jerking that sucker open and leaning over as she skimmed around for something edible.

Garrus tilted his head while Tali readjusted her helmet-on-table to spot the other 'alien'.

That ground in sixth sense of 'others watching' seemed to run along Liara's shoulders as she stilled for all of a second before her fringed blue head turned slowly to spy the two Dextros just sitting at the table staring at her. For a second she felt like she had back when she first got on the _original_ Normandy, all nervous and skittish when people so much as looked her way, normally humans… yet for some reason those two were there… staring… and it was weirding her out, which it shouldn't especially now since she was the 'Ex'-Shadow Broker and should therefore be feared, not getting embarrassed while looking for food and no one had so much as said a word!

Both Destros just tilted their heads apart.

"Think she notices?" Tali's glowing eyes narrowed obviously.

"Nah, I think it's just an Asari thing," Garrus sipped his drink, "I don't think any of them realize they do it…"

For some reason the Quarian's half-hung over/drunk giggles grated on 'The Asari's' nerves, as she slammed the fridge closed, turning to glare at the two, trying to pull off an 'intimidating' look like Shepard, "What?"

Tali seemed to roll her head to the side, closer to Garrus, "I think she noticed us…"

"Shh…" he rather obviously 'whispered' behind his protein-juice-box, "If we stay perfectly still, she won't see us…"

"Very funny," the Asari finally quipped, annoyed with their childish behavior as they giggle at the table. She turns a second to grab an apple from the open fruit bowl on the counter. Why there was such a thing on the ship no one had been able to answer.

Of course the second she tries to actually 'eat' the damn thing while she's turning back towards her room, something swipes along her fringes and she tenses in such a start as nearly throw the earth-fruit at the wall. She barely registers the "Hey, Doc!" and the continued giggling from the two at the table…

Catching said fruit as it made its decent back to the ground, Liara turns around to see who had the audacity to _touch_ the 'Ex'-Shadow Broker… she's only mildly surprised to find the hulking human known as James Vega… at least he hadn't pinched her ass like last time. Her blue eyes narrowly glare at the man as she takes a bite from the apple…

"Uh, hey," the large Marine backs away with his hands up and a cheesy grin on his face, "C'mon Doc, no need for that look."

"Careful Vega, that glare has taken down far more dangerous people then you," Garrus purrs to himself, entirely to amused with the situation of the 'tiny' Asari glaring wrath at one of the larger Humans he'd ever encountered.

Tali was snickering next to him, having finally taken her helmet off the table, "I believe it's 'super effective' against Shepard," it was funny seeing her raise both hands and bending her middle digits in the Quarian equivalent of Human 'air-quotes'.

The heated glare, followed by a mild blue blush, was _NOT_ lost on the two Dextros as Liara turned on them, "That is _not_ funny!" their continued giggling suggested otherwise.

Vega had that stupid grin on his face as he backed away into the kitchen, "A'ight, I got it, stayin' away from the Doc," his hands were still up in that 'defensive' way as he backed between the island and the counter-tops, "Don't want to go pissin' off Lola after all…"

The laughter at the table increased as Tali was slamming her fist on the metal and Garrus had to put his drink down less he crush it while leaning back holding his sides.

Liara was quite visibly fuming, the blue crackle of Biotics barely contained around her shoulders as she was too frustrated to say anything or move. There was a mantra going through her head that was barely coherent involving 'stupid' and 'non-Asari' and possibly 'ingrates', all anyone could see besides the rising Biotic aura was the dark blue blush on her cheeks.

When the peanut gallery had yet to quiet down she was honestly considering using 'push' to rocket the damn apple in her hand to hit either the Turian or Quarian in the head, she had surprisingly good accuracy when pissed and was really close to doing it too…

There was a clutter of pots and pans in the kitchenette that seemed to grab most of the 'aliens' attention, notably causing the Dextros to lower to light giggles and Liara not 'glowing' blue with the urge to murder with Earth-fruit. Leaning around the short wall that separated her room from the kitchen, since she _had_ been on her way back before all the 'distractions', her blue eyes spotted Vega, hunched over shuffling through the kitchen-ware under the counter. It was a really funny sight because as large as the male Human was he still managed to fit between the counter and island somehow. With a light exclamation of "AH-HA!" he drew back from under the counter a skillet, lightly whistling to himself as he set it on the stove and opening the fridge to grab several cartons.

The 'aliens' were curious, noted as they all seemed to lean in watching as the large Marine went about what appeared to be Human 'cooking'… now, they'd all had some 'experience' with Human cuisine, Liara more than the other two since she could actually 'eat' it without going into fits, but they'd all 'seen' it… mostly. On the original Normandy it was always some pre-packaged MRE type food, often followed by complaints, on the second Normandy during the whole 'Collectors' non-sense they'd had that one human that made a fit about 'real cooking'. Liara had only experienced him briefly when Shepard decided to help her deal with the previous Shadow-Broker, and quite honestly she'd not been paying attention to his 'cooking', while Garrus and Tali very rarely stuck around because, well, they couldn't 'eat' it so what was the point?

So it was somewhat funny, and surreal, to watch Vega, the 'baby' of the team whistling terribly to himself as he went about buttering up the skillet then cracking a couple of… eggs? And other things as it sizzled on the stove-top. On the re-commissioned 'Alliance' Normandy 2 no one was really 'assigned' to be chef, it was mostly back to MREs or whatever the crew could scavenge, and with the 'WARRRGH!' going on, no one really took the few minutes to stop and 'cook' anything more complicated than 'grab and go' food. Shepard kept the place stocked, sure (mumbling something about how the previous chef would haunt her if she didn't) but again… it was just 'strange' to watch someone actually… using… it.

Liara absently bit into the apple as she sat down on the other side of the island watching Vega cook, not noticing when she'd moved from her spot to where she was now but not really caring. As surreal as this picture was it was rather 'fascinating', she'd never seen any of the other Humans stick around long enough to 'cook', certainly not Shepard, and while she'd seen Human cuisine on other planets and the Citadel never really go into how it was prepared. That and it was amusing enough to watch Vega do his silly whistling and dance as he flitted about the kitchen grabbing spices she doubted anyone even knew were there.

Garrus was back to sipping his sippy-drink, absentmindedly tapping his foot under the table in tune with Vega's whistling and Tali had just set her head back down on the table with her arms out-stretched, apparently with all the 'giggling' and teasing done with her hang-over had kicked back into full-force as she groaned next to him and Garrus couldn't see her glowing eyes under the face-plate, presumably closed. He gave a bit of a Turian smirk around his straw, his free hand reaching out and rubbing circles on the Quarian woman's back, knowing that when he was hung-over it seemed to help and her groaning stopped at least… or she'd turned off her external com. He shrugged either way, watching the Human cook and the Asari watch like the scientist they all knew she was, the odd 'quiet' sinking in.

Garrus smirked knowingly. –_Any minute now…_-

As if to answer his mental call 'something' came shuffling from behind the wall separating the 'dining area' and the elevator and the smirk on his maw grew wider.

No one seemed to notice Shepard as she shuffled her way across the floor, eyes closed and seeming to know where she was going by sheer instinct. Liara caught sight of the woman in the corner of her eye while biting the apple again, nearly biting her tongue in surprise at the normally so 'composed' military Commander looking completely out of it, half-asleep, and zombie-walking passed her without a word. Despite herself the Asari couldn't help but hold her free hand to her mouth to stem whatever giggles at the 'morning' look on their leader, and for a second she thought she got away with the light blush, but that sixth sense of someone smugly watching her, and turning to see Garrus still grinning told her otherwise. While she was 'occupied' by glaring at Garrus, Liara failed to notice Shepard had grabbed what she wanted off the back counter and rather loudly fell into the seat next to her, because there was no way that motion could be called something as 'graceful' as sitting.

Once again the poor Asari scientist was stiffened by the suddenness of this whole situation.

Vega happened to pop out of his 'cooking' world at the sound of something 'falling' behind him, he made a quick look over his shoulder to make sure the Doc hadn't fallen over only to see she was stock still with a much darker blue on her face then he remembered. He absentmindedly scratched his head, thinking it was nothing, turning back to his cooking only for something to click in his head causing his shoulders to lurch up and drop the flipping-utensil on the counter. Immediately the 'lowest' on the ranking totem-pole present whipped around and spotted Shepard, eyes still closed, a mug in one hand and the coffee pot in the other, "C-Coman-"

The poor Marine made it to about half a salute before to woman turned his way, seemingly glaring with eyes still closed as she spoke one word, "Coffee…"

"Uh…" Vega dropped all pretense, blushing embarrassed as he ran a hand over his faux-hawk, hearing the snicker from the Turian on the other side of the room.

"Give it up Vega," Garrus' mandibles chittered with an unspoken laugh, "She doesn't even know what's going on right now, seems some things _are_ rather universal, hmhmhm," he lightly chuckled to himself, hearing a light snicker from Tali even if she didn't move, both of them remembering previous non-mission-mornings with Shepard, not to mention other superiors, who were pretty inconsolable prior to their morning 'wake-up' drink… this 'Coffee' for humans seemed to be a running gag for their species as he remembered the almost riots C-Sec had from the Human officers when they'd run out one time.

The big Marine gave that stupid grin, embarrassedly chuckling to himself, figuring it was true, he'd had more then on CO not notice getting shot at since they'd not had their morning coffee.

One cup in and the Commander's eyes seemed to finally open, they were narrow and looking passed Vega as her nose flared sniffed, "What's burning?"

"Ack!" immediately the Human Marine was turned around, grabbing the flipper and with a few sizzles seemed to have saved whatever he was cooking. Without noticing both Liara and Shepard attempted to lean around the large man to catch a better look at what he was making, sensing it the big man turned to find the Asari leaning over the counter rather provocatively with her arms under her chest and head tilted as his commander had the mug of coffee at her lips, brow raised, and not seeming to noticing the woman next to her. An embarrassed blush rose on his cheeks as all he could think to say was a pitiful, "Uhh…?"

"Eggs," Shepard's nose flared, "Bit of onion, peppers and…" sniff, "is that cheese?" the cup lowered as a brunette brow rose on her forehead, green eyes zeroed in on her subordinate.

That grin came to the Marine's face, "Got it in one, Lola," he laughed, noticing as the Asari turned to glance at the Commander with a raised painted brow and the woman didn't seem to notice one bit, probably sill 'waking up'. He tapped his nose, "Got a good nose on ya, kinda surprised."

The older woman shrugged, "Eh," sip of coffee, seeming to finally be up to a 'conscious' level, "I'd prefer ham and cheese with black pepper for my omelet honestly…"

"Well I hadn't started on the bacon yet, ha!" Vega gave this wide grin, turning around and shuffling with something before they all heard a loud sizzle added to the now-familiar crackling of the eggs on the hot pan.

If either Human noticed the inquisitive looks from the aliens they made no mention of it.

"So takin' orders, Chef?" the commanding woman smirked as she leaned further onto the island getting comfortable. Liara smirked next to her, sitting back down more 'appropriately', knowing that look in Shepard's eye.

Vega was pretty sure at this point they all could see the red on his ears as he scratched the back of his head with one hand and moving the bacon around with the other, "Uh, no… not really there, Lola… this is… uh, just…" he swallow hard loosing what he was saying quickly.

Suspicious brunette brow rose higher, "just what?" Shepard set her mug down audibly as her green eyes narrowed on the Marine's large back, "That ain't just for you is it?" with the way the big man's shoulders stilled she knew she'd hit the nail on the head, "Oh?"

"Oh?" there was red on Vega's face again as he glanced behind him at the smirking woman and curious Asari.

There was this viciously triumphant smirk on the commanding woman's face, "So, Vega, gonna spill?"

Liara's brow rose higher, blue eyes glancing from the entirely too smug Shepard to the blushing Vega.

He was scratching the back of his neck, obviously nervous, as he slid his free hand to dial down the stove-top so as not to burn anything while Lola reamed him for info, "C'mon Lola, don't look at me like that…" her brunette brow rose impeccably, as if asking 'what look' though the smug smirk on her face said she knew all too well. There was a pout for all of a second that crossed his face before that stupid grin was back, "Don't be jealous," he knew the moment the words left his mouth it was stupid, but the slight narrowing of those green eyes and whiplash glare from the Doc was utterly priceless, it made him chuckle as he leaned back to face them both, arms crossed smugly over his wide chest, "I was just up last night drinking with the LT, hehe, man can that woman pack 'em back…"

Oddly it was Garrus, across the room, the chuckled, both from the comment and from the duel looks on the other women's faces, "Oh right, Williams, yea I remember her trying to out drink Wrex once," there was a light chuckle from Tali under his hand as that Turian smirk rose on his maw, "Didn't end too well if I remember."

Shepard groaned at the reminder, way-back-when, "Yea… _real_ fun day that was…" Liara next to her just had one hand covering her eyes and probably mumbled something like 'Goddess'.

Vega though was grinning from ear to ear, rubbing his chin, "Ah, experienced against a Krogan, probably why she could keep up with me!" the entirely _too_ smug grin on his face and inflection in his voice earned him a number of flat glares.

One such flat glare coming from Shepard as she crossed her arms under her chest, "Okay Vega, stop being too proud of yourself, its weird…" that got a large laugh from the Marine and a number of chuckles from the others. There may or may not have been a smirk tugging at the side of her lips as she reached out one hand to point at the big man, "So what's with the cooking?"

That red went across the man's face again, though he had it better hidden by the big grin, "What, can't a guy cook for a gal the morning after they got shit-faced together?"

That brunette brow rose as her hand returned to crossed under her chest, "Not in my experience, buddy."

"Agreed," Garrus purred a light chuckle from his corner.

Tali raised one hand up signaling her added agreement as well.

Then all eyes turned to Liara, "What?" who looked from one squad-mate to the next with surprised blue eyes. Shepard was giving that flat glare, Vega was doing some kind of pleading, and Garrus was snickering to himself and probably Tali.

"I fourth that assessment," a disembodied voice called from above them, saving the Asari from having to answer the weird 'assessment'.

Shepard just raised a hand, eyes flat on the junior Human, "See, even the ship agrees with me," absentmindedly or perhaps purposely, the woman's hand reached out and grabbed the discarded apple Liara _had_ been eating and quickly took a large bite, nearly finishing it off.

More snickers were to be had from the Dextros as Liara just glared at the woman next to her.

Vega grinned, chuckling, "Yea, well whatever, Lola," his smirk didn't leave as he turned back to his cooking, "I had a good time with the LT last night, and I figured since I got up first I'd be nice and offer up some home cookin'," he heated up the stove again, finishing up the eggs and bacon before putting it on a plate and working on the next batch.

"Uh-huh," Shepard absently munched on the apple, "Wish somebody would cook me eggs n' bacon the morning after," she swallowed, not noticing the look she was getting from the woman next to her, "I might stick around if a guy did that for me," she laughed.

"Hmhmhm," Garrus gave that two-toned chuckle, not missing anything from his spot, "Well, if its good enough for mighty 'Shepard' I may have to look into this 'men cooking' thing," he too continued chuckling, smirking when he noticed a certain pair of glowing eyes narrowed on him.

Tali raised her head on her crossed arms on the table, glancing at the Human male awkwardly cooking while they; the 'older' squad mates ribbed him for it. She smirked with her eyes before adding her two cents, "Hey Shepard," the woman turned on her, along with Liara, "think we can share that guy if you find him?" it was a total jest, and she knew the Commander could tell the moment that grin spread on the Human woman's face, but that didn't make it any less hilarious when the Asari next to the woman turned an interesting shade of blue.

Shepard was laughing before she elbowed Liara, "Hey, Liara, what do you say, huh?" the woman was grinning, completely oblivious to the squirming Asari as she throw an arm around her, "You, me and Tali, finding that one in a million guy who serves a five course meal in bed the next morning?"

Liara was twitching; all she could hear was the blood rushing in her ears and the laughter of the woman next to her.

"Hey, Vega," Garrus seemed to smugly lean forward, one hand raised, "You mind teaching me how to make that Earth 'Omelet' Shepard was talking about earlier?" his mandibles were wide as he had that Turian shit-eating grin on his face, not even caring that Tali smacked him in the chest and muttering 'Bosh'tet' as soon as the words left his mouth.

And James Vega was just grinning, enjoying this weird scene of bullshiting with the people that had saved the universe a number of times. He had his own accomplishments, sure, but compared to these guys: Vigilante Archangel, Quarian Admiral, Shadow Broker and finally Shepard, it was… fun, to just be laughing and joking like any other member of the crew with such powerhouses. Seeing that despite what they'd done, the war going on, and what they no doubt _had_ to do, they were, in the end, all friends. A completely dysfunctional and whacked out sensibilities, but 'friends' nonetheless.

Now he just needed to figure out a way to get these plates out of here and to the LT before the lot of them started cat-calling…

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**A/N:** i've made a few references to things i noticed that were weird and yet oddly fit well into this odd little drabble...

Garrus and Tali's initial 'think she notices' is actually something me and my friend commented on while she was playing ME1, and that while Liara acts like this shy/adorkable 'teen' Asari, she still did all this silly 'sexy poses' like all the 'adult' Asari, like when she's just standing around she'll start posing for no reason, we snickered thinking the 'sexy posing' must be an 'Asari trait' since they ALL do it XD

Tali glaring at the straw... 'induction port', a wicked thing indeed and answer to how a Quarian gets drunk XD

if Vega threw in some steak he'd be making a Texas Omlette, which i've seen one too many big burly mexican marines eat those XD

there are quite a number of snickering jokes at 'ship-life' :P

and yes, while a man's stomach may be the key to his heart, a woman will never turn down a man that makes her breakfast in bed... the weird little scene of Vega cooking eggs is probably the ENTIRE reason i like him as a character, aside from his stupid-cute/buff-dude/bro-ego that's quite adorable and him being the 'fanboy' insert of sorts... of all the 'Human' characters, especially the playable ones, he's definitely my favorite, because while he's like a bit pitbull in looks he's really sweet like one too, and while poking him with dialogue i can say a whole lot about what 'may' or 'may not' have gone on between him and Ashley, i feel it was just them hanging out and getting drunk for shits and giggles, least on his part, she may have been trying to out-drink him to take advantage of him, i wouldn't put it past her -.- but i thought it was more then ADORABLE that he was making eggs the next morning... no woman can resist that level of cuteness XD

welp, that's enough of my shenanigans~

comments, questions, opposing views? (reivew and check out my other ME stuff -shameless self-endorsement-:3)

Till next -salute-waves- Sayounara, Mina!

-Ikasury


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Mass Effect, Friendship, Humor