Fire Emblem Super Magical Transforming Thief Matthew

Chris: Don't ask. Seriously. I was thinking about what would happen if/when 4Kids got hold of Naruto. And then a friend of mine (Kiyoko, don't stalk her), had the phrase "Magical Happy Ninja Nathan" in her profile, so guess what? Here it is today, around two months after I saw it.

Disclaimer: Don't own Fire Emblem or whatever else I might allude to. The Magical Stick of Super Magical Transforming _is _mine, though.

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**Chapter 1: You're a Magical Thief**

"Surveillance is so boring…How come Lord Hector doesn't put me on exciting jobs? Like…stealing from the national treasury of Laus or something? At least that's useful." Matthew, a blond thief with stickier hands than the nation of Ostia would like to admit, sighed as he peered outside of the second-story window of a….you guessed it, a two-story house.

The thief continued mumbling to himself, becoming more and more frustrated as boredom overwhelmed his mind. Soon, he grew so angry with his assignment that he threw his dagger out the window. And the dagger stabbed a random villager in the foot.

"Oops! Sorry, dude!" Matthew hollered to the man, who was rolling on the floor in pain. With his apology given, he went back to looking around the town for some sign of trouble. Other than the man rolling on the floor, because he made that happen. It was a mistake, give him some slack.

"Araphen has got to be the _most_ boring town in the whole continent!" Matthew grumbled.

"Wrong! Bern is the most boring place in the continent!" A voice came up from behind Matthew. "They're all like, 'March! March! March some more! You over there! The one on the wyvern! Fly higher! Not into the cloud, moron!'"

Matthew jumped and turned around, where he saw a girl of around eighteen standing behind him. _'…I should have been able to detect her presence before she spoke. I must have been too distracted.'_

"Anyway, I have the solution to your problem!" The girl, who had short, green hair, smiled widely, looking one-hundred percent like a ditz. Which she was. And have you noticed that nobody has short, green hair? What's up with that? Lyn has long, green hair and Rebecca's hair is in pigtails, which completely shows that it's long. Is there a bias against short, green hair or something? Short, green hair is cool!

"Uh…Who are you?" Matthew cocked an eye at the girl, suspicious, but way too amused to just leave.

"Oh! I haven't even introduced myself! I'm so sorry! I'm Fina!" The girl bowed deeply and straightened. She pulled a small booklet out of a pocket in her brown robe and scanned it. "Hmm…Okay…Introduction, complete. Meeting subject, complete. Explanation…Okay. That's up next." She looked up. "You're a very magical man, Matthew?" She paused. "Oh wow! I did alliteration and I didn't even know it! It's like I'm a poet!" She paused again. "Cool! I rhymed also! That's amazing!"

Matthew raised his other eye and started edging towards the stairway that you lead out of the house and very far away from the crazy girl. She noticed his movements, however.

"Oh, you can't leave yet! If you leave without me giving you the stuff I'm supposed to give you, then I'll get fired from my job and that's really bad, you know!" Fina clasped her hands and looked at Matthew pleadingly.

Matthew gave a big sigh. "Sure, why not? Hurry it up, though."

Fina smiled and tears began appearing in her eyes. She rubbed against them, still smiling. "Oh…Oh dear…"

"What? What did I do!" Matthew looked shocked.

"I-It's nothing…Nobody's ever given me a second chance to explain myself…I'm…I'm just so happy!" More tears leaked out of Fina's eyes. "Most people just leave…"

"I can understand that."

Fina sniffed again, still smiling. "Thank you, Matthew! Now…Umm…Let me see…" She looked in her booklet. "Oh, yes! This is yours!" She reached in another pouch and handed Matthew a smooth, long stick.

Matthew took it and looked skeptically at it. "And this is…"

"It's the Super Magical Stick of Transforming!" Fina nodded eagerly. "You can use it to transform people!"

"I think I got that…" Matthew twirled the stick in his hands. Like Fina said, it was a stick. No ornaments or designs. Just a plain stick, even with a couple of leaves sticking out of it. "How does thing work?"

"Well, you just point it to someone and say, 'Transformus!', and then they'll be changed to the opposite gender! Just say 'Transformus!' again to get rid of the spell!" Fina clapped her hands. "Give it a shot!"

"Well…Okay…" Matthew walked back to the window and pointed the stick at a man who was talking to a green-haired girl. "Transformus!" Right before his eyes, the man turned into a woman. Matthew's eyes widened and he looked at the stick again.

"See? It works! Just don't do anything bad with it or abuse it! I'll have to keep a watch on you if you do!" Fina waved at Matthew. "Good bye!" Fina disappeared. Matthew looked at where she used to be.

"No smoke? No special effects? What the hell kind of disappearance was that?" Being the astute thief he was, he was already criticizing Fina on her lackluster exit. And then Fina came back. Right on top of Matthew's head.

"OW!" Matthew fell to the ground.

"Ohmygod! I'm so sorry!" Fina helped Matthew stand up. Then she realized she was still on top of him and got off. Then she helped Matthew get up. "I forgot to tell you something about who gave you the Super Magical Transforming Stick!"

"Uh…Who?"

"The greater powers of the world have deigned that you are to be the burden of this great artifact of magic." Fina clasped her hands, looking holy, like some nun or something.

"The game producers let me have this? They're not bad guys, after all! I thought they had it in for me, putting me in the game with Hector and Serra." Matthew grimaced. "This better be worth it. Stupid game designers. Boy, if I wasn't stuck here in a game, I'd go kick their asses."

Fina looked frantic and waved her hands at Matthew. "Oh no! Please don't tell them that you know that they did all this! You're not supposed to know about the game designers! Ohhh….You've broken the 4th wall…Now I'm going to get fired."

"Don't worry about it! I wouldn't tell those jerks anything! They don't even give me superior stat growths! I mean, that assassin that kills my girlfriend in the future has better stats than me! And he's an emotionless freak!" Matthew started ranting about the game designers' evil themes. Fina continued being frantic.

"Oooooh….You know what's going to happen before it really does! You're breaking like…another wall! Like the 5th wall or something! Oooooh….I'm going to be in so much trouble…" Fina moaned.

Matthew looked up at the sky, or the roof in this case, and continued his rant. "AND YOU! Whoever's playing! If you pair me up with Serra, I'm going to get berserked and perform OHKO's on all your soldiers and you're going to have to restart! So hah!"

"Ohhhhhh….He broke the 4th wall again…." Fina shook her head again and disappeared, still not leaving any signs of her leaving. She needs work with that stuff.

"Who're you talking to?" Another girl, also with green hair, except it was long this time, walked up the stairs and looked at Matthew.

"Huh? Oh…Uh…Just myself, you know." Matthew smiled roguishly. "So…Whaddya want?"

"Want to join us?" The girl looked at him quizzically. "My name's Lyn."

"Well…Sure. Why not?" Matthew walked up to her and shook her hand.

"Boy. You wouldn't believe all of the crazy stuff that happened to us…" Lyn said.

_--- _

-SUPER "THIS IS LYN'S SIDE CHANGE-UP SEQUENCE!"-

"So…This is Araphen, huh?" Lyn looked at an orange-haired cavalier walking next to her.

"Yep. I'll go contact the lord and see if he will help us." The cavalier bowed to Lyn and walked off.

"You go do that, Kent." Lyn blinked, and then trembled angrily as he felt someone's hand on her ass. "Sain. Stop it or else I might seriously hurt you."

"Sorry, my lady. I fell by accident." Sain grinned, ruffling his brown hair. "It's a good thing I had something that was so soft cushioning my fall."

"Yeah. Get offa me. Now." Erk, a purple-haired mage who was lying under Sain, grumbled angrily. "Get off before I set fire to your hair."

"I'm off!" Sain pushed himself off of the offensive mage and brushed dirt off of his green armor. "So…What should we do while we wait for Kent?"

"Oh, I don't know. Get attacked by assassins who want Lady Lyndis' head?" Erk shrugged.

"I WANT YOUR HEAD!" An assassin magically leaped from the top of a roof and landed right in front of Lyn, holding a dagger. Everyone, ignoring the assassin, turned and looked at Erk. He shrugged.

"How was I supposed to know? I thought it was stupid." Erk smirked, because he was irked.

"More rhyming!" Fina appeared out of nowhere and then disappeared again.

"Who the hell was that?" Erk looked around. "She sounded as goofy as Serra."

"I am not goofy! Dorcas! Hurry up with my stuff!" The pink, pigtailed cleric turned to face Dorcas, who was carrying all of the baggage. The warrior panted and wiped sweat off of his forehead.

"When I joined you, I didn't think you'd give me everything to carry…" Dorcas grunted and hefted the group's supplies again.

"SOMEBODY PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" The assassin yelled angrily and grabbed Lyn by the arm. "I'm a man with a knife and I can kill you!"

Lyn froze and after a couple of seconds, started laughing hysterically. Everyone else was doing the same thing. You know, ROFLMAO! Stuff like that. The assassin looked confused.

"Huh? What do mean by that?" He scratched his head.

"Don't…Don't you think there's something heavier on your chest?" Erk, pausing long enough to offer this conventional wisdom, pointed out two things that men shouldn't have on their chest.

"Oh shit!" The man, or should we say woman, leaped backwards, staring at his new…Well, you know what they are. Poor man was truly distraught. A famous assassin like him, suddenly turned into a woman by Elimine knows what. "Boy, if my partner wasn't killed by bleeding to death from a wound on the foot that was made by a thief's dagger, you'd all be dead and not laughing at me! Yeah!" And that's when an arrow flew the air and thudded into the assassin's back, killing him.

"I fail to see what's so funny about nearly dying." A man looked down at Lyn, who chuckled one last time before pushing herself up. "But I assume all is well. I thought a Sacean woman was in danger, but apparently, she was just laughing."

"No! No! I-Hahahaha-I was in danger! It's just…BWAHAHAHAHA!" Lyn started laughing again, unable to control herself.

"Well, bye." The man turned his horse around and began to ride off.

"Wait! I'm sorry…but we really appreciate how you helped us." Lyn smiled at the man. "What's your name? Mine is Lyn of the Lorca tribe."

"There were survivors?" The man's eyes widened. "Then I will ensure that you stay alive. My name is Rath of the Kutolah." He nudged his horse. "I wonder if there is any more trouble in this town. Seeing assassins has made me nervous."

"Eh, the castle will probably be attacked by a group of warriors and nobody will know who they are. And then a guy will run up, say the castle's on fire, and ask for our help in saving their lives." Erk shrugged again, snorting.

"HELP! Mysterious bandits have attacked the castle and set it on fire! We need your help, suspiciously armed but conveniently available warriors!" A man ran up to them, waving his arms in the air. Everyone turned and stared at Erk again.

"Well, okay, so I was right this time as well. Just a coincidence." Erk looked away, embarrassed. "Hey! Go into that house there! There's treasure!" He pointed to a two-story house nearby, and everyone rushed towards it. Erk gave a relieved sigh and walked towards the castle, setting fire to any enemy soldier that dared to get in his way.

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_-PRESENT TIME FLASH STUFF!-_

"Isn't that weird?" Lyn looked at Matthew, a smile on her face.

"Yeah…That's strange all right…" Matthew chuckled nervously and rubbed the back of his head, careful not to reveal the Super Magical Transforming Stick a.k.a. SMTS. A.K.A. Stupid, mistaken, tiny ship. I don't know. I was combining words that came out at the top of my head. If you can come up with better, then I welcome your submissions.

Hmph, I have to be the omniscient/omnipresent narrator and I don't even get paid for it. I don't know why I do this stuff. Come back later for whatever happens next, okay? Stop bothering me about worthless drivel like extra features and interviews with the voice actors. Cause Fire Emblem doesn't have any! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry.

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Chris: Yep. I'm bringing back the omnipresent/omniscient narrator who has an attitude problem. And if you _can_ come up with a better acronym for SMTS, go right ahead. San Marino Typo School is off-limits, though.

Enjoy, and yes, it will be very stupid. And Matthew will not be the only one to break the 4th and 5th walls. I made up the 5th wall. I don't know what it is. I guess you could call it the ceiling.


End file.

Fire Emblem, Humor, Parody