1. Prologue

**Prologue**

I still can't understand.

I never expected to, I suppose, but that doesn't make it any more or less frustrating when I hear them talking, whispering – when I clench my hands into fists and grit my teeth and scream inside because I don't have any place to put my anger. It's purposeless. And it's infuriating.

Especially because I can't be _mad_ at either of them. What do I say, "I'm sad because you're in love"? Not only would it sound incredibly bitter; it's also embarrassing.

He'll tell me I'm his best friend. He'll say that I'm so important, so significant, and that we have a connection that he doesn't have with anyone else. We could talk for hours about nothing – about anything – and it's just so comfortable and so _fluent_, and I tell myself that it actually matters.

But he'd give me up for her, I know it. When she's around he acts as if I'm not, and they unintentionally close themselves off in an intangible little bubble that I could never hope to penetrate.

So I stopped trying.


	2. Reminiscence

Hello. This isn't going to be a necessarily conventional unrequited Tokka story, in case you were wondering. Although I do love those as well. This part is more of a narrative; I hope it isn't too droll.

**02**

When something happens to you while you're dreaming, your mind tries to explain it so that you don't wake up. If you fall out of bed in real life, you're pretty likely to dream yourself falling off a cliff. The experience for me has always been more exhausting than exciting, usually because I know I'm dreaming.

Because in my dreams, she's never a factor.

When I first joined Aang in his mission to defeat the Firelord, I expected us to split up. The divide was inevitable, really, so I kept my distance from the group. But Sokka managed to grow on me a few weeks in, and our relationship evolved quickly after that. I hadn't had a real friend before him, and the way we matched up built such an attachment, I had begun to forget about the group's impending separation.

And I _liked_ him. I liked him as a person; how our thoughts were parallel even though our personalities weren't, and how I felt so comfortable and relaxed and safe around him, even though I've always known that I don't need protection. I felt free of any insecurities, restrictions, anxieties; even ones I didn't know I had.

And after I had let go of everything, it was impossible to get it all back.

I remember when Sokka and Zuko left to "get meat". They were gone for days, and I was a little disappointed because I kind of missed messing with Sparky and hanging out with Snoozles, even if I managed to successfully mask it. My feet were nearly healed at that point, but it was still nice to have Sokka carry me around. I like being waited on, as long as I'm the one to initiate it.

Anyway. I was looking forward to their return. And, predictably, I realized that I had absolutely no reason for such an anticipation.

"The meat of friendship and fatherhood."

Friendship my ass! Last time I checked, friends don't make out every chance they get or have secret meetings in tents _if you know what I mean and I think you do_.

But I liked Suki. She was nice enough and impressively skilled for a non-bender. We got along far better than Katara and I had when we first met, but that might be because Suki gets along with _everyone_. She's so socially capable and genuinely friendly. Smart, too. Not smart like Sokka, but I mean… she can still hold up a conversation surprisingly well.

I still can't say there was ever a fondness. I liked Suki for who she was instead of what she was, the latter being a total intruder. I'm sure she didn't do it intentionally. It isn't her fault that Sokka ditched and alienated the rest of us when they had a chance to be alone, or that she suddenly became his first priority without having been with the rest of us for even two days.

Sure, yeah, he'd make _time_ for me now and again, when Suki was off training or talking to Katara. It isn't like we totally stopped talking or lost a connection. Our connection simply disappeared every time Suki came back into the picture.

"'Thanks for saving my life, Toph!' Oh, no problem, Sokka."

I really should have seen it coming.

**10 06 10**

I know these chapters are hideously short (like ¼ of what a regular chapter should be lolol) but I'll be updating at least once a day until the story gets more substance.


	3. Facade

For more Toko sibling fluff (and to read the base for this chapter), go to my profile and read _Semblance_.

**03**

When the war ended, several banquets were held in our honor.

Well, okay, more than several. The celebrations were uncountable, actually, and vigorous. We were celebrities; privacy would be too much to ask for.

Still, there were times when it was calmer. Nobody had left the fire nation yet – we were all staying in Zuko's palace. Katara and Aang in one room, Zuko and Mai in another. And Sokka and Suki resided down the hall from me, with my single bed and massive living space. It reminded me of my room at home. Exquisite but hollow.

Of course I said I didn't mind. I was independent, I didn't need a roommate. I as fine on my own, and I wouldn't be spending much time in my room anyway. After getting used to sleeping so close to my best friend, a single room wouldn't be much of a transition. I wouldn't be lonely.

No, of course not.

I'm the best liar I know.

I remember a particular feast only a week after Zuko's coronation, and the five of us (plus Mai) were seated with the new Firelord, chatting and eating and commemorating. Sokka sat in between Suki and I, and he wasn't the least bit interested in what I had to say. At least not below the surface.

He'd respond when I would comment and he would laugh at my jokes, but he smiled every time Suki spoke and unknowingly leaned closer to her and further from me. It shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. And what bothered me more was _how much_ it bothered me, and how little I could express my frustration other than stabbing my roast duck and nearly shattering my water glass when I held it.

Still, nobody caught on. I'm usually the observant one.

Lost in thought, I only picked up on the end of Sokka's sentence: "…should start packing up with we get back."

"What?"

"Suki and I," he elaborated. "We're heading for Kyoshi tomorrow, before visiting the South Pole. I can't wait to see the new renovations."

"It should only take a few days to get there," Suki added.

"And you're going to – stay – at the South Pole?"

"Well," Sokka said, "um. I don't know."

"I'm not living at the South Pole," Suki stated, sounding almost apologetic. "Kyoshi is my home. You… understand that, don't you, Sokka?"

"Of course!"

I felt empty inside and I didn't question them further about their plans or destination. My throat felt swollen but I refused to cry. Because, really, that would be ridiculous – I had no reason to be upset. Sokka and his girlfriend were going back home once the mission was over. A happy ending. Why would I be sad?

I managed to distract myself throughout the rest of the meal. I kept my mind as far from Sokka as I was able, and conversed with Mai instead. Her dry sense of humor was refreshing, and her lack of a lovey, affectionate attitude both relaxed and pleased me.

I had never been so happy to be in my forlorn palace bedroom. The walls weren't terribly thick, but I still knew that the wing was empty. I tore my formal gown from my frame and left it on the floor before collapsing on the bed and letting my face flush as the tears consumed me.

I felt pathetic. Becoming the seventh wheel shouldn't have been such a problem – everyone knew about the whatever-it-was between Katara and Aang, and Suki had been with Sokka since before the Serpent's Pass. Zuko and Mai were childhood friends, the result of a forever-blooming crush. Each was meant to be, and I thought I was secure enough to be happy for my friends.

Really, though, I did try.

It wasn't so much as being loveless as much as it was the feeling of exclusion. I knew then that I didn't need a man in my life; I've always been strong and independent and without a "better half". I shouldn't have wanted another person to become part of me. Getting that close to someone was too great a risk, and my theory had been confirmed by my mistake of a bond with Sokka.

I didn't want to seem desperate, so I stayed on the side in Couples' World. The concept of it was contenting, but the experience was everything but.

A knock on my door ripped me away from my contemplation. "Toph…?"

I wiped my face and pulled myself together enough to stop shaking, transforming my pose into a relaxed pretense on my comforter. "Yeah?"

The door opened, and Zuko stepped inside. His royal garments had been discarded for the night, and his hair was loose from its traditional Fire Nation topknot. He looked more like he did while we stayed in the Western Air Temple; normal and free and a little awkward. Nothing like royalty. And it was reassuring.

"Is, um. Is everything okay…?"

He was concerned. How sweet.

"Fine, Sparky. You want something?"

He sat down on my bed, next to me. "How's the Sokka thing?"

While we were staying at the Western Air Temple, shortly after Suki had returned, I uttered a begrudging admittance of my feelings to Zuko. It was embarrassing and left me feeling vulnerable, but it wasn't something I later found myself regretting. Sparky's good at keeping secrets. Not the best at consoling, but he tries. And he listens.

"He's going to _Kyoshi_ tomorrow. I'm not going to see him for _years_."

"Well, then," Zuko said, "maybe you should tell him how you feel."

I grit my teeth. I knew how predictably _Toph_ that might be – confess my crush to Sokka and run away, then spend days thinking about what his reaction might have been, and if it would have changed anything. But I knew it would be a waste of time – he'd feel flattered but uncomfortable, tell me that I'd find someone of my own someday, and take off with his girlfriend. Fiancé? Whatever.

"No," I sighed. "I'm just going to get over him. He doesn't need to know."

"Hmm," Zuko murmured. "Well, you should at least say goodbye. Suki's spending the night with Katara; Sokka's alone right now, so…"

"That's so _awkward_," I complained.

"You and Sokka are the least awkward out of all of us – especially when you're with each other."

"Fine, I'll talk to him."


End file.
