Harry Potter, Twilight 1. I'm Baaaack

Hey everyone! I is Back!!!! xD This is TUHPTCO Part 2, but don't worry to those who have not read Part 1 you really don't have to read it to get what's going on in this one, but you should. :D

i decided to publish this early because i was bored and i wanted to! :D

so, it's been only a few days since I finished Part 1? idk xD I'll shut up now and let you read this freakin' awesome stuff.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight! If I did I'd be rich not dirt ass poor xD and i'd be able to buy this sexy bracelet from Hot Topic :3

rating: T, lots of cursing and violence

oh yeah: THIS IS A CRACK FANFIC! THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE RANDOM AND OFF THE WALL! I had some problems with people complaining that Part 1 wasn't realistic, and I'm like, CAN YOU READ?!

oh yeah again: if you steal this story I'll find you and slit your throat xD

* * *

"Please don't kill me!" Satan cried. He was hanging by his wrists over a giant lake of fire. Hades was chained the same way next to him.

"Get a grip on your self man!" Hades said.

"Hey wait. It's like I'm in a cocoon! Soon I'll be a beautiful butterfly!" Satan said and his eyes sparkled.

"Your right!" Hades said.

"Shut up you two! Send me back to Earth!" Amerina said.

"Hell no!" Satan said.

"Ha-ha, that as a pun." Hades said.

"I know! They just come to me!" Satan agreed.

Renesmee pulled a lever and Hades was sent dropping down to the lake.

"AHHH!!!!" He screamed like and eight year old girl. Just before he was sent into the fire, Amerina stopped the chain and he was just a few inches from the lake.

"I don't like this game anymore!" Hades cried.

"Is it hot down there?" Satan asked.

"Very!" Hades yelled up.

"Send me back up to Earth!" Amerina said.

"Uh, let me think, no!" Satan said.

"Why not?" Amerina asked.

"Then God will come down here and will yell at me." Satan said.

"Your scared of God? I thought you two were like, rivals." Amerina said.

"Yeah we are, at chess!" Satan yelled, wriggling around.

"Is some one going to let me up?" Hades yelled up to them.

"How does he come down here?" Amerina asked.

"Press that button." Satan nodded behind Amerina. Amerina turned around to see a giant red button blinking with the word God on it.

"Oh." Amerina walked over to it and placed her pointer finger on it.

"If you don't let me go, then I'll press this button." Amerina said darkly.

"You wouldn't!" Satan gasped.

"What is she doing?!" Hades yelled up.

"Blackmailing me!" Satan called down to him.

"Ooh, sneaky!" Hades giggled.

"One, two...two and three quarters." Amerina started to count.

"All right!" Satan said and a giant white portal popped up above Amerina.

"Awesome! Suck it Time Dude!" She yelled and jumped in.

"Hey! You forgot to untie us!" Hades yelled.

"Hitler! Yeah I'm talking to you! Come untie me!" Satan yelled at Hitler who had been walking by.

"Oh, so she gets to go back to Earth but I don't?!" Hitler said offended.

--------Forks Washington--------

Renesmee was asleep dreaming of Jacob as a cat. Then out of no where a blond little girl around the age of seven ran up with a bat and started to wail on Jacob.

"JAKE!" She yelled and jumped up.

"I'm innocent!" Jacob yelled, he had been asleep at the foot of her bed like a dog.

"I had a weird dream." Renesmee shook her head.

"Your not the only one girl friend." Jacob shook his head. Renesmee got up and changed from her power puff girls pajamas, then the two left.

"Jacob, why were you in Renesmee's room?" Edward asked, he was in the kitchen eating a deer.

"Why weren't YOU?" Jacob accused.

"Hey shut up! What's up with you loving my close family?" Edward growled.

"What?" Renesmee asked interested.

"Him, Jacob, He used to love Bella!" Edward smirked.

"Edward, ex nay on the Bella ay." Jacob hissed.

"Are you speaking pig Latin?" Bella asked as she walked in.

"Mommy, did Jacob love you?" Renesmee demanded.

"Yup." Bella nodded. Renesmee's jaw dropped and her eyes grew the size of silver dollars.

"He rape kissed her! And, he still tried to marry Bella after I came back, because I left her, but anyway, yeah he forced kissed her twice." Edward said smugly. Renesmee turned slowly to Jacob.

"Suddenly I have the urge to shoot you." Renesmee said.

"Uh." Jacob backed away, but Renesmee didn't get the chance to hurt him because a tractor crashed through the wall then and ran him over.

"What the HELL?!" Bella yelled.

"Oh Jesus! Wow-ah-wow-e!" The person on the tractor said and fell off.

"Are you OK?" Renesmee nudged the person with her shoe.

"He's been smoking dope and meth for five hours." Edward pointed.

"How do you know?" Bella asked.

"I read his mind." Edward rolled his eyes.

"Quickly boy, have you seen the Flying Spaghetti Monster?" The boy asked, he was around 17.

"Uh, what?" Edward asked.

"Have you been touched by his noodly appendage's today?" He asked.

"Poke, what the hell?" Amerina stumbled in.

"Oh praise the Flying Spaghetti Monster!" Poke started to bow to the wall.

"Is he really high?" Renesmee asked.

"I have no idea, he belongs to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and calls himself a Pastafarian." Amerina said.

"It's REAL?" Bella asked in shock. Amerina nodded yes and pulled out the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

"Pirates are divine, and today's conception of them as thief's is wrong, they used to hand out candy to children! And Global Warming is caused by the shrinking numbers of Pirates." Poke said.

"Who are you?" Edward asked Amerina.

"Uh, help?!" Jacob yelled from under the tractor.

"This is going to sound weird, this is the only way I can get your memory back." Amerina sighed, then whistled.

"Ruff!" Boxie the Dog ran in, then Mr. BananaMan the Bear, Ralph the Bear, and Beatrice the Sheep came running in. Renesmee's jaw dropped and everything that happened prior in the events of TUHPTCO came back to her, then Edward, and Bella. Jacob got up and he saw them, and his memory also came back to him. Renesmee jumped onto the table.

"WHERE THE HELL IS MY SHOTGUN!?" She roared.

"Hell yeah! Your back!" Amerina wept.

"Holy Shit." Bella said slowly.

"It is a miracle of the Invisible Pink Unicorn!" Poke rejoiced.

"I thought you were a Pastafarian." Jacob said.

"That too." Poke said. Edward, Bella, Renesmee, Jacob, Amerina, and the Animals ran back up to the main home.

"By the way, how did you find the Animals?" Renesmee asked Amerina.

"I found them wandering around the Googleplex." Amerina said. They arrived at the main house, Renesmee kicked the door down and charged in. Emmett and Jasper where playing Halo 3 ODST.

"Dude, I'm Owning!" Emmett said.

"Fat Chance! You keep dying!" Jasper yelled. Renesmee picked up the Xbox 360, ripped it from the plug and tossed it outside.

"Hey! What the hell!" Emmett jumped up. Renesmee grabbed Emmett's head and turned it toward the animals. His jaw dropped and he ran toward them.

"How could I forget you guys?!" He cried and started to hug them.

"Huh." Was all Jasper could say when he remembered. The rest of the Cullen's ran down and saw the animals, then remembered.

"How are we going to get Harry and Pals back?" Rosalie asked.

"Forget them, they didn't do anything in our shenanigans." Alice sniffed.

"What about Tonks?" Esme asked.

"Except her. She was supa fly." Alice nodded.

"I know what we should do!" Amerina blurted out.

"Travel in a Pirate Boat to the UK and convert them to Pastafarian?" Poke asked.

"Close, we should send them all papers saying they've won an all expense paid trip here, jog their memory, then take a road trip to New York City when they want to go home!" Amerina said.

"Why the illegal scam, kidnap, then road trip to New York?" Edward asked.

"I've always wanted to do those things." Amerina blinked.

"Hell yeah, I'm up to that!" Emmett agreed.

"Here are the papers." Poke handed Amerina the papers.

"Uh, how do you have those?" Renesmee asked.

"I have allot of free time." Poke said.

"You have won an all expense paid vacation to Forks, Washington, beautiful beaches, friendly locals, beautiful wildlife, traditional ancient cultures, lots of thing to do such as cliff diving, surfing, and love around every corner." Amerina read off the paper.

"Wont they know that's fake?" Carlisle asked.

"No, they live in a castle with out computers." Amerina said.

"Oh, OK, just as no one gets hurt." Carlisle said. Renesmee started to laugh to herself.

Amerina handed the papers to Emmett. He walked out to the mail box, opened it, wrote the address of Hogwarts on the papers and the Cullen's return address, and shoved them into the mailbox, then pulled up the flag up and walked back up to the house. He paused in the door way.

"So it has begun." He said in a dramatic voice.

* * *

_preview!_

"Somewhere in Great Britain with no sheep and everyone dresses like they are in a cult and their fridges are incredibly small and oh yeah it's near Carlisle's home town, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy?" The mail man read the letter.

"Sounds like the school my son goes to." The other mail man said.

_end preview!_

_

* * *

_mwahahahahaha!

review plz no flames, same old same old xD

dont freak out,

if you still want to read The Ultimate Harry Potter Twilight CrossOver!, its new title is The Ultimate Harry Potter Twilight CrossOver! Part 1!, it has the same everything, reviews, chapters, and even still has the movie in it xD


	2. The Effing Bear!

it shocks me that this story has a plot...still TUHPTCO had a plot in the beginning, but not so much in the end

so this is gonna be my last update for a while, i am tired and i want to sleep forever, and im going to be busy Friday, im going bowling xD so this is Friday's update

* * *

It was a busy day at the Post Office.

"Who delivers letters anymore?" A voice yelled.

A Post Man zoomed up in his segway and grabbed a bag marked International Mail. He pulled out a yellow envelope and read.

"Somewhere in Great Britain with no sheep and everyone dresses like they are in a cult and their fridges are incredibly small and oh yeah it's near Carlisle's home town, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy?" The mail man read the letter.

"Sounds like the school my son goes to." The other mail man said.

"Uh, how, never mind. You deliver it." The mail man handed him it and zoomed off.

Another mail man came in, his close were ripped up and paw prints splattered the remains.

"This. Means. WAR!" He said.

-----Hogwarts-----

The Mail Man from before, let's call him Carl's Jr, zoomed up to the door of Hogwarts. He had post cards glued all over him. He held out the letter and slid it under the door, knocked, and zoomed off.

"Ahrgh, what?" Filch answered, then looked down and picked up the letter. He walked off, muttering under his breath about Cat Nip, and slid the letter under Dumbeldore's door after walking up the secrete stairs.

"Ooh, mail!" Dumbeldore picked it up and tore open the letter.

"Dear Lumpy-Whore,

You have won an all expense paid trip to Forks, Washington! This beautiful small town paradise includes beautiful beaches, friendly locals, beautiful wildlife, traditional ancient cultures, lots of thing to do such as cliff diving, surfing, and love around every corner. Why not leave work immediately and come? Please call Carlisle Cullen at 867-5309, don't ask for Jenny please. Bring all your friends, especially ones named Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ronald Weasly, Severus Snape, and more? Offer never expires.

Sincerely,

Your Mom."

"Aww how nice!" He said and dug through the envelope an pulled out six plane tickets and pass ports. He ran off and grabbed Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Snape.

"This better be good Headmaster, I was just plotting to kill you- I mean, give you a present." Snape said, and his eyes darted around.

"We all herd that." Hermione said.

"No you didn't." He growled.

"Look! I won a trip to Forks, Washington and it says to take you guys!" Dumbeldroe said.

"Have you ever actually herd of Forks, Washington?" Harry asked.

"No, but it looks like Hawaii according to this, and I have herd of Hawaii." He said.

"But who's going to run the school while we are gone? And how are we supposed to catch up on our studies when we leave?" Hermione asked. Dumbeldore turned to the Sorting Hat.

"Hat, you are in charge now. Have fun." He said. He pulled out Harry, Ron, and Hermione's report cards and wrote A's in all their subjects. "There problem solved, let's go! Our flight leaves in a few hours!" Dumbeldore said.

"But we haven't packed yet!" Ron yelled as they were dragged out.

---At the Flight----

"Peanuts?" The Flight Attendant asked Harry.

"Yes please." Harry said. A person sat next to Harry and turned to look at him. Harry turned to look at him. It was Daniel Radcliffe.

"Hi, I'm Harry Potter." Harry said and held his hand out to shake it. Daniel just gaped at him. "Okay then." Harry turned back to the front to watch the movie. Ron was sitting in between two enormous fat guys that were talking about fantasy football.

"You guys are on a British Airplane! Why are you talking about Football!?" Ron yelled. They turned to look at him.

"Shut up queer." One said.

Dumbeldore had a window seat. Everyone was staring at him because he was dressed like he always dressed.

"You know it's not Halloween." A little boy said to him.

"Your mother doesn't love you and your father cheats on her with your best friend's seventeen year old sister." Dumbeldore said.

"That's an episode of Melrose Place." The little boy said matter-of-factly.

"If you jump out of the plane while it's flying Santa Claus will fly down on his sleigh and will take you to the north pole to live with the Elves." He said.

"Really! Oh boy!" The little boy opened the door and jumped out screaming Santa.

"Dumbass." Santa Claus said who was sitting next to Dumbeldore.

---Forks, Washington---

"I just got a call from Dumbeldore and their flight is about to land." Carlisle informed everyone.

"Well, I'll go pick them up!" Amerina said and jumped up. Emmett was playing Chinese Checkers with Rasputin.

"You do that." He said and moved a piece.

"I'm going to go!" Poke announced, he was sniffing the sugar they had in the fridge.

"Can I come?" Renesmee asked.

"No." Bella said, she didn't like Poke because Poke always begged money from her for drugs and beer. Poke and Amerina left shortly after Poke inhaled the sugar one last time.

---In the Car---

Amerina and Poke were driving in Edward's Volvo to pick up Harry and Pals at the airport. Poke was on the driver side and Amerina sat at the passenger seat.

"Some times when my but itches, and I poop, the poop itches my but, then my pants fit better." Poke said. Amerina looked at him.

"OK." She said.

"You know natural blonds are gonna be dead in twenty years." Poke said.

"First off, gonna be dead?" Amerina questioned.

"When I was a kid my art teacher took my to the back room, that's why I'm called Poke." He said.

"Uh, alright?" Amerina asked. "Wait, your 17, do your parents know were you are?" Amerina asked.

"My parents are dead." Poke said.

"Oh. Sorry." Amerina said.

"I smothered them." He said and turned to her.

"..." Amerina's eyes grew wide.

"I like Miley Cyrus. Allot of people don't like her, but I do. I do." Poke said.

"Poke, are you high right now?" Amerina asked.

"No. THIS IS ME SOBER!" Poke cried.

"Poke look at the rode!" Amerina yelled.

"AHHH!" Poke grabbed the steering wheel and veered off the rode, then they crashed into a tree. Poke jumped out and so did Amerina.

"Nice." Amerina said.

"Show some leg and let's hitch hike!" Poke said and started to pull up Amerina's shorts she was wearing.

"Hoe, I'm seven!" Amerina slapped his hand.

"Ow, that stings." He said.

"This calls for only one option." Amerina said.

"Sex?" He asked.

"Close, but no." Amerina whistled and Mr. BananaMan the Bear appeared and Amerina hooped on. She waited for Poke to get on.

"Uh, wait. I have to ask the Flying Spaghetti Monster if that is OK." Poke said baking away.

"Oh just get on." Amerina grabbed him and tossed him behind her then they rode off.

---The Airport---

"I'm ready Hawaii!" Dumbeldore hopped off the plane, then he saw out the windows and his face fell. It was POURING outside, cats and dogs ran around everywere.

"Why the silence?" Harry jumped down then looked out. Ron, Hermione, and Snape jumped out.

"Oh. Maybe it's Hurricane Season?" Ron asked.

"I checked the map on line on the plane, technically it would be a Typhoon, and this Forks, Washington is nothing like Hawaii. It is covered by clouds 95% of the time and has the most rainfall in the Continental US." Hermione said.

"You 75% of percentages are made up on the spot." Ron said.

"Then, how do we know you didn't just make that up?" Harry asked.

"What?" Ron asked.

"You said 75% of percentages are made up on the spot, so how do we know your not just making that up?" Harry asked.

"Because I'm Ron." He said.

"Will you two shut up. Where is the company that is supposed to pick us up?" Snape asked.

"Maybe we were Punk'd." Dumbeldore said.

"We're here!" A voice yelled. The group turned to see Amerina and Poke, soaked to the bone from the rain, riding Mr. BannaMan the Bear who was also soaked, running toward them. Mr. BananaMan stopped. Amerina and Poke jumped off. Ron turned to Mr. BananaMan the Bear's head came up to Ron's head, so they were face to face.

"Hi." Mr. BananaMan said.

"AH!" Ron yelled and hid behind Harry.

"Is this a joke? You think you're funny?" Dumbeldore said.

"I think I'm a riot." Amerina pulled out a Gold Desert Eagle (sexy pistol).

"Is that Real Gold?" Harry asked.

"Fuck yeah it's real gold. Now, you all are gonna come with me back to our house, got it?" Amerina asked.

"Or what?" Snape pulled out his wand. Amerina fired the gun and blew up Snape's wand.

"Now, are we Even Steven?!" Amerina growled.

"Your using that term incorrectly." Poke whispered to her.

"OK, we'll go. Are you going to probe our asses?" Dumbeldore asked. Amerina paused for a few seconds.

"Maybe." She said. "Now hop on Mr. BananaMan." Amerina said.

"Who?" Harry asked.

"The Fucking Bear." Amerina growled.

"Oh that clears things up." Harry muttered and they all hooped on and rode off toward the Cullen's home.

* * *

awesome terrific!

google the gold desert eagle, isnt it sexy?! i want one :3

so comment plz, no flames xD


	3. Pokemobile

thanks everyone for the reviews and faves :3

remember the gold desert eagle? google image it. ISNT IT SEXY!? xD

yep, i went bowling today and i kept getting the ball in the gutter so we had the fenders up, then i started to win and everyone got mad so we put them down and i still won! :D my score was 83 lol

i didnt think i'd have time to update today but i do! :D

so yeah enjoy this oober Poke chapter

* * *

The mail man ran across the street chasing a dog with a vacuum cleaner.

"Hahaha!" The mail man cackled.

"Ugh, my head." Poke blinked, then opened his eyes and looked around. He was in the Cullen's living room, it was trashed. Drugs and beer bottles littered the ground everywhere. The couch had a giant bite mark in it and Ralph the bear sat next to it chewing on it. There was a hole in the wall and toilet paper snaked itself around the stair case. Water trickled down the stairs. In the kitchen the fridge was on it's back with the door open and all the food was gone.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Carlisle yelled when he walked down. The rest of the Cullen's wandered in and gaped at the mess.

Emmett wandered in from the hole.

"Last night was nice." He said in a tiny voice.

"Were the hell is Amerina?" Rosalie asked, furious.

"Here." A voice said. They looked up to see Amerina, hanging by her waist in a Catwoman costume from the ceiling.

"Why is there water on the stair case?" Jasper asked.

"Water slide." Amerina said. Bella opened her mouth to question. "Don't ask." Amerina interrupted her.

"Where were you guys last night?" Poke asked.

"We were upstairs because you locked us in the attic. Emmett came up at four in the mourning and let us go but made us promise to come down when the party was over." Carlisle explained.

"Were is my Volvo?" Edward asked from the garage.

"What time is it now?" Poke asked.

"Five in the afternoon." Esme said.

"When did the party end?" Poke asked.

"Five minuets ago." Amerina said. She cut the rope and jumped down.

"Why did you have a party again?" Jasper asked.

"You know, I don't know." Amerina shrugged.

"Wait, were is Renesmee?!" Bella asked.

"I'm here!" A faint voice called. Everyone looked around. They ran out side to see Renesmee tied to the mail box. Bella untied her while Amerina laughed her ass off and they walked back into the living room.

"Now, Amerina, I wonder who's going to clean this up?" Bella hissed.

"Gee I wonder." Amerina shrugged.

"Uh, are you going to let us go now?" A voice asked. They turned to see Harry, Ron, Hermione, Snape, and Dumbeldore tied to the wall with black duck tape in random shapes. Hermione was bent over while Ron stood straight up behind her.

"Some one needs to blur that out." Emmett observed.

"Ohhhh, that's were I put you!" Poke said.

"Man, I've seen some fucked up shit in my day, but that was just." Snape shuddered.

"I thought it was entertaining." Dumbeldore said.

"Only because Mike Newton got drunk and made out with that fat chick." Harry said.

"Seriously, were is my Volvo?!" Edward yelled as he walked back in.

"Amerina and I crashed it." Poke said.

"Wait, Amerina and I?! You were driving!" Amerina yelled and pointed at Poke accusingly.

"YOU CRASHED MY VOLVO!?" Edward roared.

"Well, now you can buy a newer model!" Poke said, nearly crapping his pants. Edward let out a feral roar. "Or maybe...a....Chevy?" Poke asked.

Edward lunged at Poke

----Censored for you protection----

"AHHHH!!! HELP!!!!!" Poke screamed.

---I said CENSORED!!!----

"MY LEG ISN'T MEANT TO BE BENT THAT WAY!!!" Poke yelled in agony.

"LET GO OF POKE!" Amerina lunged at Edward.

---What the hell did I just say?!---

"NO! NOT THE HAIR!" Poke cried.

"I'LL SAVE YOU POKE!" Renesmee yelled and jumped on Edward's back and started to punch his head.

---....----

"Kick his ass Edward!" Emmett cheered.

"I bet five on the midget!" Jasper pointed to Amerina.

Poke dove behind the couch and Edward picked it up then threw it against the wall.

"Ahhh!-" It hit Hermione.

"RAWR!" Ralph stood up.

"I'm not afraid of you!" Edward pointed. Ralph whistled. The entire wall facing the forest that had a hole in it was ripped off.

"ARGGGHAAAAA!" Harold the Dragon roared loudly it shook the house.

"Yeah, him I'm afraid of." Edward said.

----Censored for your protection----

"What did you learn?" Emmett asked Edward who was ducked taped to the wall in a Ballerina Pirouette.

"Dragons don't like it when you pull their tail." Edward said.

"No they don't." Emmett laughed.

"Hey, I think Hermione might be dead!" Ron yelled, his eyes darted to Hermione, the couch was squished against her.

"Aw, dammit, I wanted to kill her!" Renesmee sighed. Amerina pulled the couch back, Hermione was squished like a bug.

"Ewwwww." Amerina put the couch back on top of her.

"You know, I forgive you Edward, we Pastafarian's believe not to hold a grudge. So, so, so, Imma buy you a knew Volvo. And, and, and, it's gonna be sexier than you old one." Poke said, swaying.

"Poke are you drunk?" Emmett asked.

"Maybe." Poke blinked. Edward frowned and started to read Poke's mind.

_Inside Poke's mind_

_I wonder what the winning Lotto number is...._

_Wow! Look at how GREEN everything is! Like my poo after I eat spinach!_

_Gotta get Edward a Volvo_

_Volvo...that's German right?_

_Or maybe Russian_

_No, it's from Brazil_

_The Olympics are in Brazil in 2016_

_if the world hasn't been destroyed yet in 2012_

_i wanna see that movie_

_OH YEAH! in Japan it cost 20 dollars per person to see movies_

_i like sushi_

_more beer (drinks more beer)_

_Miley Cyrus is awesome_

_IT'S DA CLIMB!!! THERE'S ALWAYS GONNA BE ANOTHER MOUNTAIN!!! I'M ALWAYS GONNA WANNA MAKE IT MOO-VE!! (drinks more beer)_

_Cause Imma Barbie Girl! In a Barbie world, wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic, OOPS I DID IT AGAIN!_

_Britney Spears is lame..._

_I like Womanizer though_

_I wonder whats for dinner_

_i haven't eaten in like, forever_

_more beer (drinks more beer)_

_i like beer_

_beer is yummy_

_and tasty_

_and my art teacher told me its happy juice_

_always need more happy juice_

_more beer (drinks more beer)_

_IM ALL OUT OF BEER! (says this in real life)_

_NOOO!!!!!_

_T_T (is crying)_

_wait....i have dope! and meth with me! (leaves to the bathroom)_

_(snorts the meth and injects the dope)_

_FUCK YEAH!_

_I'M SUPER SEXY! WHO'S SUPER SEXY!?_

_FUCKING POKE IS!!!!_

_To the Poke-mobile! (crawls through the bathroom window, runs outside, jumps on his tractor and drives off singing the Batman theme song in his head)_

_Outside Poke's mind_

"Okay." Edward said.

"What?" Bella set Edward free.

"Poke just drove off on his Tractor." Edward said.

"Is it a green Tractor?" Amerina asked.

"Why would that matter?" Edward asked.

"Was the effing Tractor green?!" Amerina growled.

"No! It's Red!" Edward said.

"Oh, never mind then." Amerina said and walked off.

"Hey, I just got a call from your dad Bella and Poke got arrested for holding up the Newton's sports store and he kept asking for candy from them, then he drove off in his tractor but got caught because he was waiting at a red light at the town's only light." Carlisle said.

"Let him spend a night in prison. It could do him some good." Bella said.

----At the Prison----

"Yo, your officially my bitch." A giant Thug said to Poke. They were in a large cell shared by 3 other people and it was meant for 20 people.

"Bitch, I'll cut you! Back off!" Poke yelled. The Thug backed away slowly.

"Are you OK?" Another person asked.

"Do you like Miley Cyrus?" Poke asked.

"Huh?" The guy asked.

"ANSWER THE QUESTION OR I'LL SHANK YOU!" Poke yelled and grabbed the person by the collar.

"Sure!" The person yelled and Poke set him down.

"Good. I've decided not to kill you." Poke said, then he turned to the Thug who wanted to rape him from before. He held up his finger slowly. "You. Guilty!" He said.

"What?" The Thug asked. Poke picked up a pillow and lunged at the guy.

--In the Morning---

"Alright Mr. Poke, your free to go." Charlie opened the door to the cell.

"Awesome." Poke walked out.

"Ah! Why is that guy dead?!" Charlie screamed and pointed to the Thug, who was dead on the ground with a pillow over his head.

"I don't know." Poke said and walked off.

* * *

that was random xD i just wanted to write more with Poke (the part with Poke in jail was a reference to Ghost Rider) :D next chapter will get back on the plot xD

review, no flames :D i want at least 10 or so reviews :D


	4. I Remember! :O

I only have five reviews ppl....that is UNACCEPTABLE! more reviews plz :D

and i was reading New Moon because I can, and when Edward left Bella my inner fangirl cried....curse you inner fangirl...curse you

then i saw Zombie Land today xD it was good

sry everyone, this is not an oober-Poke chapter, i better get some more reviews or there wont be anymore chapters.

* * *

"OK, so what is it you want?" Harry asked. Renesmee was dressed as a cop and so was Emmett.

"You know what we want!" Emmett said.

"Oh officer, please, don't...hurt me." Dumbeldore smiled.

"Ewwww." Emmett cringed.

"Tell us where the bomb is or I'll blow your brains off!" Renesmee roared.

"I didn't see a thing!" Ron blurted out. Renesmee grabbed the back of his head and bashed it into the table.

"RON!" Hermione screamed. Renesmee pulled out he shot gun and blew Hermione's head off.

"God that felt good!" Renesmee panted.

"Wasn't she already dead?" Harry asked no one.

"I blame it on the Boogie." Emmett said.

"Now hoe, if you don't tell us where the bomb is, we'll have Jasper feeling-rape your mother!" Renesmee said.

"Ha! My mom is dead!" Harry said. Renesmee paused.

"Orphan." She said.

"There's something wrong with Esther." Snape whispered.

"Here. Do you want some coffee?" Emmett asked Dumbeldore.

"No thanks." Dumbeldore said.

"Good because we don't have any." Emmett said.

"Then what's in that cup?" Harry motioned to the coffee cup that was on the table.

"The Beans." Renesmee turned it upside down and the beans spilled out onto the table.

"Is anyone going to clean her up?" Ron motioned to Hermione's dead body that was leaning toward him.

"She'll come back." Renesmee waved it off.

"You know, I don't know how she does that." Dumbeldore said.

"Does that mean you guys remember?" Emmett asked.

"Remember what?" Snape asked.

"Mr. BananaMan!" Renesmee yelled.

"What?" He walked in, they were in the basement of the Cullen's house.

"I DO!" Ron suddenly said. Harry's mouth dropped open.

"How the hell?" He shook his head. Snape jumped onto the table.

"WERE IS MY PHONE SO I CAN TWITTER THIS SHIT!?" He yelled.

"Ha, I did that too when I remembered." Renesmee motioned to Snape's jumping on the table.

-----

"Are you ready Edward?" Poke asked. There was a giant van in front of the Cullen's home.

"Yeah, but how did you get the money to buy me a new Volvo?" Edward asked.

"Uh, shut up Edward." Poke said. "Anyway, MOVE THAT TRUCK!" Poke yelled. The Truck moved automatically away.

Instead of an actual Volvo, there sat Bella's old truck painted with pastel paints and the word Volvo was spray painted on the car, except it was spelled: Vol-moo! Edward's jaw dropped.

"Ta-daa!" Poke said.

"Poke, what did you actually by with the Volvo money?" Bella asked who had been with them the whole time.

"Booze, meth, and dope. I mean apple juice. Beer." Poke said in a small voice.

"You know what Poke. I wont kill you. You tried, but gave into your addictions and bought drugs and alcohol. I'll just buy a new Volvo." Edward said.

"No, I just bought my drugs and alcohol." Poke said and left.

* * *

had to do at least one Poke moment :D

so comment or else...no more sequel


	5. Birthaday Party of Doom

thanks everyone for the reviews :D i was just frustrated b/c in Part 1 i already had like 20 reviews by the fifth chapter lol so we are right on schedule wit the amount of reviews xD

glad to see a positive reaction to Poke by the way :D

and for that, NEXT CHAPPIE!!

* * *

"You know, it's my birthday." Snape said out loud. Alice's jaw dropped.

"I don't like you, but I'm throwing you a party!" She declared.

"Oh god help us all!" Jasper said.

Snape was blind folded and taken away by Dumbeldore and Emmett all day in the woods to be chased by Leah who was happy to chase some thing other than Jacob when he got bored.

"Speaking of Jacob where is he?" Edward asked Emmett.

"AH!" Snape yelled running by, Leah chasing him.

"I dunno." Emmett shrugged

---In Renesmee's Room---

Jacob sat on the edge of the bed as a wolf asleep.

---Back with Alice---

"OK Poke, can you do this one thing? I need you to pick up the cake for us, and bring it back. Here is the address." Alice handed him a piece of paper with the address to the bakery on it.

"Okee-Dokee!" Poke saluted her and took the piece of paper. Then he held out his hand and Alice rolled her eyes then gave him a wad of cash and he drove off on the Poke-mobile.

Alice huffed and turned away then started to decorate the house.

---With Poke---

Poke was at a stripper joint.

"Excuse me patron, but, can you tell me were, Leopard Skin Johnny is?" Poke asked the DJ.

"He's over there." He pointed to a guy dressed in a glitter pink vest and green pants with fake rattle snake skin shoes and purple glasses.

"Excuse me, are you Leopard Skin Johnny?" Poke asked the guy.

"Yeah, are you a cop!?" He demanded.

"No, I'm a Poke." Poke said.

"What the f**k is a Poke?" Johnny asked.

"What's a Leopard Skin Johnny?" Poke fired back.

"Touche." Johnny nodded. "So my Poke friends, what is it you require?" He asked.

"I require the services of one of your classy ladies to fit into this cake." Poke said and pulled out the cake for Snape's birthday party. It was half the size of Poke who was almost six feet.

"Hm, you need to bake the cake with the person in their." Johnny said.

"They bake PEOPLE!? My mom told me babies came from Storks!" Poke's jaw dropped.

"No Poke, when a man loves a woman they-"

--With Alice--

The entire house of the Cullen's was decorated with black cloth and lights shaped like bat's clung to the trees.

"Wow, nice job. But I don't think Snape is a goth." Jasper observed.

"He isn't? But he has black hair! Oh well, I just hope Poke gets here on time with the cake. He should be here by now." Alice tapped her foot.

"He drives a Tractor." Jasper reminded her.

--With Poke--

"And that's how babies are made!" Johnny finished. Poke's face was twisted into disgust.

"I will never look at a hot dog the same way." He said.

"Alright, MERCEDES!" Johnny yelled.

"Isn't that a car?" Poke asked. A stripper walked up.

"What?" She asked.

"Get inside my cake please." Poke held up Snape's cake. The girl, "Mercedes" rolled her eyes, cut open the cake and jumped in, then the cake magically closed.

"Whoa!" Poke said.

"Alright, here's the bill." Johnny gave Poke a piece of paper.

"Here ya go!" Poke handed him Carlisle's credit card.

---Back at the Cullen's---

"You know, I'm not five." Snape said breathless from running around all day.

"Just go inside." Alice snapped. He walked in.

"Were is the cake?" Amerina asked.

"Like you'd eat it." Rosalie snapped.

"If you were human you wouldn't because it'd have TRANS FAT!" Amerina said and everyone oohed.

"I'm here!" Poke said and placed the cake on the table.

"What did you do?" Edward asked. Alice's face went blank.

"You put a STRIPPER in the cake!?" He hissed. Emmett and Jasper were rolling on the floor laughing.

"Hahaha! That's a knee slapper!" Emmett laughed.

"Yep. I'm sensing some serious virgin ray's coming off of Snape." Poke said.

"Huh?" Carlisle asked.

"If I were a vampire that would be my power. To sense Virgins." Poke nodded. Snape cut open the cake and the stripper jumped out.

"AH!" Snape pulled out his wand. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" Snape yelled and the Stripper dropped dead to the ground. "Oh, it's just a stripper." Snape said. Everyone stared at the dead stripper in shock, and Snape bit a piece off the cake.

"Yummy." He said.

* * *

yeah, another random chapter, but i got the idea and it wouldn't leave me alone so i had to do it, next chapter shall be back on plot xD

REVIEW!


	6. Return of WHO!

alrighty everyone, sry i didnt update earlier, i fell asleep xD then i had to do homework...busy so here ya go :D

some one asked me to put that anakin guy from star wars and im like...FUCK YEAH WE CAN! xD

* * *

Everyone was watching TV. Then, the door flew open.

"THERE YOU ARE!" The person bellowed.

"Oh god no! Not...YOU!" Harry gasped.

-----

"Here pooch!" Poke had a box of fish food and was shaking it.

"Boxie is right here." Renesmee said.

"Fu-! Oh it's you, hello Nora." Poke said to Renesmee.

"That's not my na-"

"I saw a giant dog earlier and it looked pissed off! I want to capture it and sell it to the carnival where he can juggle bottles fora living then become a super hero and save Mary Jane." Poke said.

"Poke, do you even think before you talk?" Renesmee asked. Poke paused.

"Sometimes." He said, then shook the box of fish food.

"Why do you have a box of fish food?" Renesmee pointed.

"Dog's love fish food! Duh." Poke rolled his eyes like it was obvious.

"Oh, if it was a dog then it must have been Leah, Seth, or Jacob." Renesmee nodded.

"Who, who, and where?" Poke asked.

"They are a pack of werewolves that live around here because when I was born and Bella my mom was turned into a vampire it was against their law, they, never mind." Renesmee stopped trying to explain to him because he was eating the fish food.

"Hey guys!" Seth appeared.

"WHAT!?" Poke yelled and tossed the box of fish food in the air and jumped on a tree branch.

"Come down you big baby, it's just Seth, he's a werewolf." Renesmee said. Poke fell down, then stood up and eyed Seth.

"Hiya!" He waved.

"I got my eyes on you." Poke said slowly. Renesmee mouthed, He's Crazy, behind him and Seth nodded.

"What's going on here?" Leah snapped.

"WHAT!?" Poke jumped back onto the tree.

"Now this is Leah." Renesmee said.

"Oh, it's you." Leah glared at Renesmee.

"Don't be hating because your, MENOPAUSE!" Renesmee said and Leah's jaw dropped.

"You want to say that to my face?" Leah glared at Renesmee.

"I just did, old lady." Renesmee spat back.

"Yay." Seth rolled his eyes.

"Hey ladies, we can be reasonable, who wants to give Poke his beer-money?" Poke jumped between the two. Leah's jaw dropped then.

"Go look for a giant dog with fish food." Renesmee said and left. Poke ignored her because he was drinking and in Poke-land.

"Leah, are you OK?" Seth waved his hand in front of Leah's face.

"What's his name?" Leah growled, pointing to Poke.

"Well, he called himself Poke." Seth said.

"ARGH!" Leah lunged at Poke.

"Ah! Don't rape me!" Poke screamed and ran.

------

"What do you want?!" Dumbeldore said to the person. The Cullen's were tapped up to the wall and Harry and Pals were not.

"Irony." Emmett said.

"Where is Renesmee? And Poke?" Bella asked.

"You know what I want old man!" The person cackled.

------

"You can't catch me now!" Poke laughed and jumped on the Poke-mobile and started to slowly drive away. Leah ran behind him and fell behind while Poke laughed.

"Fuck this man!" Leah said, then turned into a wolf.

"Oh shit, and I'm not high!" Poke's eyes jumped out of his head, then he sped up. Leah ran a few yards ahead, then turned into back into a human and put her close on, then stood straight up and held her hand out to stop him.

"Where do you think you are? China!?" Poke yelled.

------

"Hey guys!" Renesmee walked in. A trap was sprung and she was trapped in it.

"Whoa, what the hell." She stated, not even surprised.

"Mwahaha!" The person cackled and stepped forward.

"I remember you!" Renesmee's eyes widened in horror.

------

Poke drove down the road, getting closer and closer to Leah who still stood with her hand out.

"I mean, if I ran over you, you might get cut up badly." Poke said, still driving toward her.

"What's going on?" Jacob appeared next to Seth.

"Leah's mad at this new guy." Seth said.

"When isn't she mad?" Jacob grumbled. Poke pulled out a beer can and drank the rest as he drove toward them, then pulled out his drugs, shrugged, then put them away.

"Why did you do that?" Jacob called.

"To remind the readers I'm also a drug addict!" He called.

"What is he talking about?" Seth asked.

------

"What up home dawgs." Amerina said and walked in, then sat on the couch and turned on the TV. Everyone gaped at her. The intruder shushed them, then crept up behind them and raised a plastic bag about her head, then pulled it over her head.

"AH!!" Amerina yelled and the bag popped and he was sent flying back against the wall.

------

Jacob, Seth, and Anakin sat on lawn chairs, watching Poke drive towards Leah.

"I wanna hold em' like they do in Texas, please, Fold em' let em' hit me, raise it baby, stay with me. Luck and intuition play the cards with spades to start, And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart..." Poke was singing Poker Face.

"Ew." Jacob said.

"I know, he is so off key." Seth said.

"I like Love Game." Anakin said and Jacob and Seth turned to look at him.

"The third movie SUCKED!" Poke yelled over to them.

"NO IT DIDN'T!" He said and stood up.

"Hey, your wife is dead." Seth said.

"NNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" He yelled and ran off into the woods.

"Odd." Jacob said.

------

"How the hell did THIS happen!?" Amerina demanded, she was tapped to the wall in the shape of a Y. Emmett was the the shape of an M, Jasper a C, and Carlisle and A, while everyone else was random shapes.

"There, now, sing!" The person demanded.

"It's fun to stay at the-" Amerina started.

"Y-M-C-A!" Emmett, Jasper, and Carlisle finished.

"How come they get to sing?" Edward pouted.

------

Finally, Poke hit Leah with the Poke-mobile.

"ARGH!" Leah grabbed it by the front, raised it, and threw it.

"No!" Poke called, he stood across from Leah. The two stared at each other. "Hi." Poke said.

"I'm going to ripe your spine out!" Leah tackled him.

"Hey!" Jacob separated the two. "Now, why do you hate Peter?" Jacob asked.

"Poke." Poke corrected.

"Poke-" Jacob looked at Poke like, really?

"He sold little kids meth in La Push, then got drunk and ran over your dad Jacob, burned the store to the ground, and he told me to introduce Emily to Sam! Thanks allot!" Leah growled.

"Oh yeah! I was on a field trip with my art teacher!" Poke nodded.

"So, your the reason my dad is crippled?" Jacob asked.

"No, he was like that before, I just broke his arm." Poke said.

"Why?" Jacob growled.

"He was crossing the street very slowly and I didn't feel like moving my foot and hitting the brakes." Poke said.

"Hahahaha!" Seth was laughing his butt off.

"How is that funny?" Jacob snapped.

"Just picture it." Seth wheezed in between laughs. Jacob paused, then he started to laugh too, Leah just rolled her eyes and stalked off.

"Go get my tractor." Poke said to Seth.

-----

Seth, Jacob, and Poke arrived at the Cullen's home. Seth was towing the Poke-mobile .

"We're home!" Jacob bounded through the house, followed by Seth and Poke.

"Ha!" A trap was sprung, but missed the three and the intruder stood in front of them.

"You!" Poke and the Intruder said to one another.

"How many people do you already know?" Jacob threw his hands up.

"It's you...Melfey!" Poke said. Malfoy stepped forward and smirked.

"I came here to find Dumbeldore because the sorting hat is running the castle into the ground, literally, he is trying to tear it down. I never thought you'd be here." Malfoy laughed.

"How do you know Malfoy?" Ron asked Poke.

"My art teacher to me on a field trip to London and we found his dad passed out in the gutter, then my art teacher started to rape him, his mom came and wanted to join in, then Malfoy arrived and started to cry and I beat him up." Poke said.

"You must go on allot of field trips with your art teacher." Seth said.

"You fought Malfoy? Aw, that's a fight I want to see." Ron said.

"So, if you came to get Dumbeldore, why did you tape us to the wall?" Bella asked.

"It looked like fun." Malfoy said.

"ARGH!" Alice broke out of her bindings and pulled out scissors and tackled Malfoy.

"Ah! No!" Malfoy cried. Alice stepped back to reveal Malfoy with Emo Hair.

"That felt good." Alice said.

"My hair! It's...SEXY!" He said. Poke tapped on his shoulder. He turned around and Poke punched him in the face, knocking him out cold.

"That felt good." Poke said.

* * *

that was LONG! my hand hurts, im going to go now, The Daily Show is on

YES! review review review review


	7. Retard Games

kay thanks for the reviews again xD maybe we can get 50 by the end of the week yes maybe please?

please read this yes maybe please?

* * *

"Alright Emmett, your question, why do the children in the US have low scores?" Jasper asked Emmett. They were playing Retard Trivial Pursuit.

"Because...they are Retards?" Emmett asked.

"Correct!" Jasper said.

"OK, Edward, this is your question and don't you dare read my mind, why do people in southern California act like douche bags?" Jasper asked Edward.

"Because they are Retards." Edward stated.

"Alright, I'm going to allow that." Jasper said.

"Is the answer to every question Retard?" Harry asked Carlisle who were watching.

"Pretty much." Carlisle said.

-----

"OH YEAH, AHHH!!!" Poke yelled in the bathroom.

"Poke, are you snorting Coke?" Renesmee knocked on the door.

"Maybe." Poke said.

"What are you doing?" Amerina demanded.

"Nothing!" Poke yelled and their was as scrambling noise.

"That's it!" Amerina punched through the door and ripped the door off it's hinges and threw it back. The door flew across the hall and Malfoy and Harry were walking by. They ducked and the door smashed into the wall.

"Were is Neville when you need him?" Harry asked.

"I'm getting to rich for this." Malfoy snorted and walked off.

"There you are!" Amerina said to Poke.

Poke sat on the toilet with a giant glass of coca-cola.

"Want a sip?" Poke held up the cup.

"No, you probably put meth in there." Amerina said and left.

------

Ding-Dong!

"Hello?" Emmett opened the door and looked around, then looked down. "AH!" He screamed and ran in. The door opened and Slappy the Dummy walked in.

"Hello my new Slaves!" He cackled. Edward ran up to Slappy and dropped kicked him across the Cullen's large lawn and into the forest.

"Will you be my slave dog?" Slappy asked. There was a growling noise and Slappy started to scream, then the screams died out.

* * *

sorry sorry sorry sorry for the short chapter

im busy and i didnt have allot of time to type this up, next chapter will be longer and shall continue the tiny shred of a plot this story still has

reviews plz


	8. My Volvo!

sry for not update yesterday, uh, would you believe me if i told you i fell asleep? so anyway, my brother told me south park make fun of ghost hunters...no...that dont fly here, i already did that, they are so late, but ghost hunters is AWESOME!!! dare i say awesome-possum? a term i got from a reviewer and i've been saying it ever since xD so yeah, they're just jealous ghost hunters rocks socks and every one likes family guy now so yeah lol still like south park though

read this shit hoe

* * *

"What do you mean SHE GOT AWAY?" The Time Dude roared.

"Yeah, she beat us up and tied us from the ceiling." Satan stood up for himself.

"What ceiling?" Hades looked up.

"She's a seven year old girl!" The Time Dude said.

"That's a vampire!" Satan said.

"I can't believe you sent her to the surface but not me." Hitler grumbled.

"I can't believe it's not butter." Hades said, eating a piece of toast.

"Hitler, we have been over this a thousand times, your fucked up in the head." Satan said.

"I didn't do anything wrong." Hitler said.

"You killed thousands of innocent people!" Satan said.

"And?" Hitler asked.

"Will you two, SHUT UP!" The Time Dude roared.

"Or what?" Hades inflated his chest.

"I'll make God come down here." The Time Dude sneered.

"AH!" Satan screamed.

"Well, what do you want us to do? We are stuck down here, and _my_ Underworld got taken away." Hades sniffed.

"Not my thought you couldn't keep some believers in your religion." Satan said.

"Your right, you Satan can't leave, but you Hades can since your technically not a god anymore." The Time Dude said and nodded.

"Are you?" Hades asked.

"I don't know what the fuck I am!" The Time Dude said. The Time Dude then sent Hades to Forks were The Time Dude could tell Amerina went.

"Oh, so he get's to go back to the-"

"Shut up Hitler." Satan said and smacked him.

------------

"Ahhhhh, this is the good life!" Poke said.

"You said it!" Bella agreed. The were in the Cullen's living room getting massages.

"What the hell?" Edward walked in.

"Edward! We are getting massages!" Bella said.

"I can see that, but with him? The drug addict?" Edward pointed.

"And alcoholic." Poke added.

"Why don't I get a massage?" T-Jeff (Thomas Jefferson) asked.

"When you get some close!" Poke said, noting that T-Jeff was only wearing a white t-shirt and rubber ducky undies.

"I can't, I need to attract the ladies, speaking of which, are their any hot slaves around?" He asked.

"This is so stupid, I want to go home." Malfoy said.

"Then leave, no one's holding you here." Ron snapped.

"Why are you still here?" Malfoy shot back.

"For the raisins!" Ron said. Malfoy looked at him like he was retarded. Ron pulled out a box of raisins and started to eat. The door flew open and Leah stalked in, holding a very awestruck Harry.

"This, this, BRITISH person was staring at me when I transformed back into a human!" Leah growled.

"And?" Edward asked.

"I'm naked when I do that! I have to take my close off or I rip them!" Leah yelled.

"Sweet!" Emmett said and Leah growled like a feral animal at him that would have made him pee in his pants of he could. Malfoy's jaw dropped at the sight of Leah.

"I-I-I think...I'm IN LOVE!" He said. Ron looked at Leah, then at Malfoy, and back to Leah.

"Her!?" He jabbed a finger at her and Malfoy bobbed his head yes.

"Bwahahahahaha!" Ron started to hold his gut he was laughing so hard.

"What? I'm richer than you, you can't laugh at me!" Malfoy said.

"She's nuts! She's pissed off all the time!" Ron said.

"So? She's gorgeous!" Malfoy said and gawked at her which made Ron laughed more.

"Just keep your little pervert friends away from me!" Leah hissed.

"Calm down Menopause." Renesmee said.

"Your just lucky your Jacob's imprintee!" Leah snapped at her and left.

"Well then!" Renesmee said.

-------

Leah was asleep in a tree. Malfoy walked up wearing a suit and had a bunch of flower and a box of chocolates. He cleared his throat

"What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and Juliet is the sun." He recited. Leah snored loudly then and rolled over on the branch she was asleep on.

"Uh, here, are some chocolates and flowers." Malfoy said and placed them under the tree and left. Seth walked by then and tripped over the chocolates.

"Oh boy! Chocolate!" He picked it up and ate it all then sniffed the flowers, threw them over his head and skipped off.

------

Amerina was in the Cullen's living room were they seem to do allot of hanging out at, and was picking her toenails.

"Ew, what is this?" She said to her self. Then there was a knock at the door. She looked around.

"Any one going to get that?" She called.

"No!" Emmett's faint voice called. She huffed and got up then opened the door.

"If your here for the vampire's they are all up stairs having sex with one another." Amerina said to Hades who was standing in the door way.

"No...I'm here for...YOU!" He said.

"Could you have at least given me seven days warning?" Amerina pouted. Hades face fell.

"Is that Hades? Yo what up home skillet!" Renesmee bounded to him and high fived him.

"Nessie! I haven't seen you since you criticized my painting." He said.

"You know each other?" Amerina asked.

"Yeah, we're friends on facebook." Renesmee said.

"I'm sorry Renesmee, but I'm here to kill Amerina." Hades said.

"Why?" Renesmee asked.

"Because I was told to by The Time Dude." Hades said.

"Well, you don't have to listen to him because since your not a god anymore, you don't belong to their category, so you don't have to listen to him." Renesmee explained.

"You know what, your right!" Hades said and ran off. There was a revving noise and Hades drove off in Edward's Volvo.

"My Volvo!" Edward cried.

* * *

....

comment!


	9. Trapped in the Closet

hey come on ppl,you can give more reviews, i want more reviews, hopefully from different people other than the several reviews that have been with this since the first chapter of part 1, m'kay!?

oh yeah, i had a bad day yesterday, a couple of my "friends" told me im not funny and i got mad and they dont know about TUHPTCO so i go really sad and they didnt understand why and said i get mad at everything and i get mad easily and im a bad person...they need to shut their whore mouths

and a random stranger gave me their umbrella b/c it was raining hard and i didnt have one and it was broken yeah thats not stalker-ish

read this for the semi-return of....THE VOLDETURI!

* * *

"Do you have a fag?" Malfoy asked Emmett.

"Yeah, he's in my closet." Emmett said. Malfoy went upstairs and into Emmett's room.

"Hello? Where is the fag?" Malfoy asked.

"Right here." Dumbeldore said.

"Ah! Headmaster, uh, Emmett said there was a fag in here." Malfoy said.

"I think I might be looking at him." Dumbeldore said. The closet door suddenly slammed shut and locked.

"Hey! Help! We're trapped in the closet!" Malfoy yelled.

--------

"So you made Hades leave?" Rosalie asked Amerina.

"Yep." Amerina nodded.

"Look at my pumpkin." Poke held up a Jack-o-lantern he carved.

"It looks like crap." Rosalie said.

"You look like crap." Poke shot back.

There was a knock at the door.

"Coming, iI hope people know we have a door bell." Edward walked over and opened the door.

"Hellooooo, Edmund." Voldemort said.

"Edmund is in Narnia." Edward said.

"Oh, were is Narnia?" Voldemort asked.

"Here, I'll show ya, it's in Emmett closet." Edward said. Voldemort walked in with his Death Eaters.

"Stay here, 'kay?" Voldemort said and they nodded yes. He pulled out car keys and pressed the lock button on the car control. The Death Eaters beeped and stood still. Edward walked Voldemort up to Emmett's room and shoved him in then locked it.

"Ow, what the hell? Hey! I'm half snake and used to be sexy!" Voldemort yelled.

"Oh yeah, I am sexy." Malfoy said.

"Eep! Oh, it's you." Voldemort said.

"Mwahahaha!" Edward cackled and took off.

"Hey! You never told me were the fag was!" Malfoy yelled.

"Or Narnia!" Voldemort said.

"Don't worry, I'll set us free!" Dumbeldore stepped forward and tried to unlock the door. Nothing happened.

"It wont work! Emmett's holding the door close!" Edward yelled from the other side.

"Who?" Voldemort asked.

"Why are you even here?" Malfoy asked.

"I was looking for Harry Potter, I was looking for him in London then he just disappeared." Voldemort explained.

"Oh, remember the Vampires?" Malfoy asked.

"That liked my cupcakes?" He asked.

"Yeah, they had them fly over here and now they wont leave." Malfoy said.

"Oh, alright then." Voldemort said.

----Five Minuets Later-----

"He pulls back the shower curtain while she's biting her nails! Then he walks back to the room. Right now I'm sweating like hell! Checks under the bed, then under the dresser, He looks at the closet, I pull out my berretta, He walks up to the closet, He's close up to the closet, Now he's at the closet, Now he's opening the closet!" Voldemort was singing.

"What the hell are you singing?!" Dumbeldore yelled.

"Trapped in the closet." Voldemort said.

"I like that song." Emmett said outside.

"I like Trapped in the Drive Thru better." Malfoy said.

"Poke, what are you doing!?" Emmett yelled.

"AHHH!!!!" Poke tackeled Emmett and Emmett fell through the closet door.

"We're free!" Voldemort said and ran off.

"Poke why did you do that?" Edward asked.

"Mr. Happy-Pants STOLE MY HAPPY JUICE!" Poke said and pulled out a beer bottle from Emmett's pocket with Poke's name on it. He sniffed and left.

"Who's Mr. Happy-Pants?" Malfoy asked.

"Not me." Mr. BananaMan the Bear said.

"Ah!" Malfoy yelled and ran off.

"Why does everyone do that?" Mr. BananaMan said, his feelings hurt.

"Aw, it's OK, I'll hug you." Dumbeldore said.

"Uh, never mind." He said and left.

* * *

c-o-m-m-e-n-t

from different ppl! i'm tired of having the same reviewers


	10. Blind Man's Bluff

thanks for the reviews minus that one mean review from that one person :)

oh yeah, im going to do a Halloween Special coming up...it'll be apart of the story...maybe ill do a thanksgiving one if i can remember when it is, i just know its in November lol, ill do a Christmas one of things go over well then a New Years one xD

so plz read

* * *

"_Lick my junk, lick my junk, lick my junk." _Jacob thought as he was cleaning himself.

"_What the hell are you doing?"_ Leah asked.

"_Cleaning myself." _Jacob said.

"_Cat's are supposed to do that." _Leah said.

"_I want to kill a cat." _Seth said.

_"Hey Jacob, what is going on over there?" _Sam asked.

"_Whoa Sam, your not in my pack, why are you in my head!?" _Jacob yelled.

"_Duh, we as pack leaders can communicate. Tell Leah I said hi." _Sam said.

"_Sam says hi." _Jacob told Leah.

"_Go fuck your self Sam." _Leah said.

"_Leah said-"_

_"I herd her." _Sam snapped.

"_So, what is it you wanted?" _Jacob asked.

"_I herd your thoughts and what the hell is going on over there?" _Sam growled.

"_Your just jealous our pack is fun." _Jacob said.

"_I am not." _Sam said.

"_Yeah huh. We have some wizards and a witch over here, and half snake guy who used to be sexy, and a drug addict/alcoholic that worships a Spaghetti Monster." _Jacob said.

"_A wizard?" _Sam said.

"_Four of them!" _JSeth said happily.

"_That's it, we are coming over there." _Sam said.

"_No, this is my turf!" _Jacob said.

"_To bad, we need to see what's going on." _Sam said.

"_Let's mess with him and go to his turf." _Leah said.

"_And Pee all over it!" _Seth said.

"_And attack Emily." _Leah added.

"_Leah!" _Seth and Jacob said.

"_What?" _She asked.

"_I'm still in Wolf form." _Sam said.

"_Shut up Sam." _Leah said.

---------------

"Lalalala!" Poke was skipping around the house.

"Hey you, what is your name?" Sam asked. Poke froze and stared at Sam because he all he was in was his undies.

"Poke." He said.

"Poke? That's your name?" Sam asked. Then Quil, Embry, Paul, and Jared walked out in their human forms, they too were in their undies. Poke feinted.

--------------

"Blind fold your self and jump off the roof." Renesmee said.

"Why?" Jacob asked.

"I said so. It's a game. Blind Man's Bluff." Renesmee said.

"I don't think that's how it's supposed to be played." Jacob said.

"Is so." Renesmee put her hands on her hips.

"JACOB!" Poke called up.

"Poke? What is it?" Jacob called down.

"I saw a bunch of half naked men, and it's not even my birthday!" Poke said.

"Lucky!" Dumbeldore said.

"Oh, hold on, let me come down." Jacob said.

"I'll help you!" Renesmee ran up to him on the roof and pushed him off.

"Ahhhh!" Jacob landed on the ground.

"Hahahaha!" Renesmee was laughing uncontrollably.

"I'm OK!" Jacob jumped back up.

"Why did I hear a boom?" Leah walked over with Seth.

"Renesmee pushed Jacob of the roof." Poke said.

"She did what!?" Leah growled.

"We were playing a game." Renesmee crossed her arms.

"It's OK Nessie! You can push me off roofs any time." Jacob smiled.

"You used to be cool." Seth frowned.

"Used to be?" Jacob pouted.

"How about never." Leah said.

"JACOB!!!" Embry tackled Jacob out of nowhere and Quil joined in.

"Jacob! We've MISSED YOU!!!!" Quil yelled.

"Get OFF OF ME!" Jacob yelled.

"You guys don't look so tall from up here." Renesmee said.

"Why is that toddler on top of a roof?" Jared pointed as the other three walked over.

"So this is your pack. Hanging out with Vampires." Paul snorted.

"What the hell Sam, your so by the book-or treaty, why are you here?" Jacob asked.

"We thought you were in trouble." Sam said.

"Well we aren't, so, bye bye." Leah waved them off.

"You could be a little more grateful!" Paul snarled, his anger getting the best of him.

"You look like you need to get high." Poke said to Paul. Paul turned to him slowly.

"With what?" He asked.

"Have you been touched by the Flying Spaghetti Monster's noodly appendage today?" Poke asked.

"I don't like riddles! IT MAKES MY BRAIN HURT!" Paul roared.

"Hey Renesmee, your mother-" Dumbeldore walked out to get Renesmee, saw Sam and his pack half naked and made a little gurgling noise in the back of his throat, then fainted.

"I did that too, but I'm not gay." Poke said.

"What are you then?" Quil asked.

"I'm a Weretractor!" He yelled and ran off howling like a tractor. Sam's Pack started to get freaked out.

"Hey Leah, I found your, er, bra." Mr. BananaMan walked up with it in his hand.

"Ah thanks! I've been looking for that over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder!" Leah grabbed it.

"Did that Bear just talk?" Embry whispered. Volemort randomly walked by whistling Yankee Doodle.

"What was that?" Jared asked.

"Anyone gonna help me?" Renesmee yelled down to them, still on the roof.

A jet of green sparks nearly hit Sam. He jumped out of the way as Ron ran by, Hermione chasing him.

"RON! YOU PEEPING TOM!" Hermione cried, shooting him with magic spells.

"I was curious!" Ron cried. There was a loud bang, and Hermione fell to the ground dead.

"Got her!" Renesmee said, crouched down in sniper position with a Sniper Rifle from the roof.

"You just SHOT her!" Sam gawked.

"I know." Renesmee said.

"And?!" Sam said, outraged.

"And?" Renesmee asked.

"That's it, let's cheese it!" Sam said and the pack took off, creeped out by the strange-ness of Jacob's pack.

* * *

comment plz oh and..

remember...

if you are ever down about yourself....

just remember you were the fastest and most vicious sperm out of a million.....

good day to you sir and/or madame


	11. DEA

ok everyone, i feel asleep again and a rumor was spread about me that im a drug addict at my school...which is awesome. maybe now ppl will take me serious b/c im jacked up on drugs lol im not a drug addict by the way, this shit is real!!! poke is a drug addict though

thankies for your reviews again and plz read this story and like such as xD

* * *

"Hey Poke, I need your help to pull a prank on some one." Renesmee said to Poke who was on the computer.

"Hold on, I'm flaming fanfics to make up for the fact that I lack imagination, creativity, and a life." Poke said.

"And your jealous that you didn't think of the story and your story isn't as popular?" Renesmee asked.

"Exactly." Poke said.

"So anyway, I want you to do this to a certain person's house." Renesmee handed Poke a list.

"Who?" Poke asked.

"Mike Newton." Renesmee growled the name.

"Why him?" Poke asked reading it.

"He tried to put the moves on my mom, and he thought perverted thoughts about her. That don't fly in Renesmee-Land." Renesmee glared to herself.

"Can I come?" Harry asked.

"Why?" Renesmee asked him.

"Because, this is a Harry Potter/Twilight Crossover, and we the Harry Potter characters are barely in it." Harry said.

"You guys were in the second chapter and the third allot." Renesmee pointed out.

"Yeah, only two chapters, wow." Harry said.

"Well, let's go!" Poke said.

"But it's day time out." Renesmee pointed out.

"I'll fix that." Harry did a magic spell and it turned night time.

"Whoa!" Emmett yelled from upstairs.

"Let's go!" Poke yelled and they took off.

-----------------

"Hey Hermione." Alice and Rosalie appeared behind Hermione who was reading 'The Most Boring Book in the World that No One Gives a Shit About and Has a Weird Title.'

"Hello." Hermione said turning the Page. Next to her Ron was eating actually frogs Edward painted brown to look like they were chocolate.

"Um, Hermione, me and Alice-"

"Alice and I." Hermione corrected.

"You weren't talking to Alice!" Rosalie growled.

"Anyway, we were wondering, when was the um, last time you brushed your hair?" Alice asked.

"What are you talking about, off coarse I brush my hair. I brushed it this morning." Hermione said, gesturing to her poofy hair.

"No you didn't, I was spying on you and all you did was get up and brush your teeth." Ron said.

"Ewwwww." Rosalie crinkled her nose. Ron turned to look outside, then looked at his watch.

"Wasn't it just 3:30 pm out?" Ron said.

"Uh, I can't stand to be around such and ugly person! I MUST BRUSH YOUR HAIR!!!" Alice tackled Hermione.

-----------------

"I think we did an excellent job." Poke said and looked at Mike's house. They tee-peed the tree, threw rotten eggs on the cars, put all the yard signs from the street in the front, bashed the mail box with a baseball bat, and using Emmett's jeep, they drove the back tires in the lawn, creating deep tire marks on it, splattering mud every were.

"Are you sure this address is right?" Harry asked.

"Sure it is, I followed the drinking gourd here!" Poke pointed up to the sky. Harry looked up.

"You followed stars here?" Harry said.

"Yeah. To sweet freedom!" Poke clasped his hands and started singing gospel songs.

"Like African American slaves escaping the South?" Harry said.

"Yeah." Poke said.

"Poke, your not a slave." Harry said.

"I'm not!?" Poke gawked.

"Are you high right now." Harry stated.

"Why are there three of you?" Poke asked and Harry sighed.

"HEY!" A voice boomed. The door flew open and a yard light clicked on, exposing Poke and Harry. "YOU!" The man, who looked like he just came out of the Steroid-Military pointed to Poke.

"Oh shit!" Poke yelled.

"You know him?" Harry said.

"Yeah, he's a D.E.A. agent!" Poke said.

"A what?" Harry asked.

"Drug Enforcement Administration!" Poke cried.

"Is that bad?" Harry asked.

"TIME TO SETTLE THE SCORE POKE! I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP!" The man came back with a shot gun.

"Very, RUN!" Poke yelled and took off into the nearby woods with Harry on his tail.

"COME HERE YOU LITTLE QUEER!" The man yelled.

"That is offensive!" Poke yelled back.

"I'M GONNA RIP YOUR NUTS OUT AND FEED THEM TO YOU!" The man said.

"That does not sound pleasant." Poke said.

"Oh for the love of god." Harry spun around and waved his wand. A get of green sparks flew out and hit the man, who then dropped to the ground.

"What did you do?" Poke asked.

"Stunned him, but not for long, let's go." Harry said. They went back to the man's house, jumped in Emmett's jeep and drove off.

------------------

"My hair!" Hermione cried. She was bald again.

"So many, just so many knots. They, they never end!" Alice was crying hysterically.

"What happened?" Emmett asked.

"Alice tried to smooth out all the nots but there was just so many she decided to cut them all and by the time she was done Alice had cut off all of Hermione's hair." Rosalie explained.

"Howe many were there?" Edward asked, laughing to himself because he already knew.

"Five Hundred and Seventy Six." Alice said. The door flew open and Poke and Harry ran in.

"Whew, we escaped him!" Poke cheered. Edward was now rolling around on the floor laughing from what they did and he informed everyone else.

"By the way Poke, what did you do to make him so mad?" Harry asked.

"Well, it was long ago, about six months, he had been tipped off about a party that was selling drugs so he went under cover. I was at the party and I was high out of my skull, I mean, I was on freakin' Pluto, so anyway, he bust the party, and finds me, putting the Poke-Tastic moves on his daughter." Poke said. Everyone stared at him.

"What did he do?" Harry asked.

"He tried to arrest me, more like shoot me, I jumped out the window and stole a car and drove off. I crashed it down the street into a lamp post and I ran off back to my house and I hid in the attic, because no one looks in the attic, then it turns out the car was his car." Poke said.

"That doesn't sound so bad." Emmett said.

"It gets worse. His daughter got knocked up and got an abortion. It got leaked out she did and turns out, they are STRICT Catholics and the family was disgraced. Shame." Poke shook his head.

"Mwahahahah!" Emmett and Edward were cracking up.

"It is a shame a pig like you didn't wear a condom!" Hermione said, her inner Feminist coming out.

"She told me she was on the pill!" Poke said and started to cry.

"Don't pick on Poke!" Renesmee said and had Ralph the Bear maul her.

* * *

sorry i had to end is quickly, i didn't have allot of time

yes..poke is weird, but hes still kool with a k

review plz


	12. The Top Ten Dumbest Words

wow...thanks for those nice reviews made my day :) a person flamed TUHPTCO part 1 and told me to give up and i was bad, i deleted it though b/c the idiot forgot to sign in xD lol, and i couldn't reply to them either which means some one is very scared of my reaction... so those rly cheered me up :) and when poke said in the last chapter:

_"Hold on, I'm flaming fanfics to make up for the fact that I lack imagination, creativity, and a life." Poke said._

_"And your jealous that you didn't think of the story and your story isn't as popular?" Renesmee asked._

_"Exactly." Poke said._

that was me basically attacking them with out directly attacking them xD i just hate it when some one flames a story for no reason...other than for attention, makes me want to shoot them but if i did i would go to prison and i'd be a dike named Joe's bitch xD

so anyway ill shut up and add in more harry potter like requested :3

* * *

Renesmee was typing on the computer, then printed out what she typed.

**The Top Ten Dumbest Words!**

**by: Nessie-Wessie**

**10. Nessie-Wessie**

**9. Sorry**

**8. Avocado **

**7. Spontaneous**

**8. Bling**

**7. Seven**

**6. Hippoptomontrosesquipedaliophobia**

**5. Yo**

**4. Mamma**

**3. Gonads**

**2. gawd**

**1. Hermione Granger**

**

* * *

**sorry lol, i couldn't think of anything so i randomly selected a chapter from TUHPTCO and it was The Top Ten Dumbest Inventions, so i wanted to another one, but with WORDS! ah!

and yes number six is a word, its the fear of long words

irony xD

google it!

b4 u do:

CoMmEnT


	13. Trapped in the Woods

over the drama that went down, ive decided to just forget about it. the person sent me a private message and said some things i have to be wary about now...turns out half the stuff i do in this is against the rules T_T so i have to have a plot or *gulps* else.... i'll look deeper into that just in case

plus, its unfair to hold up this story any longer xD

so, here you guys go for being so Poke-tastic

* * *

"What a nice woods!" Poke said.

"I want to go home." Ron said. Harry, Poke, and Ron were hiking in the woods.

"I kinda like it here. At least Voldemort isn't syco and doesn't want to kill me." Harry said.

"Because he's too busy making cupcakes." Ron grumbled.

"Now, keeper of the compass, were is home?" Poke pointed to Harry.

"Well, you see, I think it's that way." Harry pointed to his right. "Or maybe that way." Harry pointed the other way.

"It's that way!" Ron pointed behind him.

"How do you know?" Poke asked.

"We walked forward." Ron rolled his eyes.

"No it isn't dumb ass, we turned three times." Harry said.

"Give me that compass!" Ron grabbed at it. Harry jerked it out of the way, but it slipped out of his hand and fell down the plateau they were standing on.

"Whoa!" Poke said.

"The compass! We're lost!" Ron cried.

"Since when were there plateau's in the Northwest?" Poke said.

"WE'RE LOST IN THE FREAKING WOODS AND YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT GEOGRAPHICAL LAND FORMS!?" Ron yelled, shaking Poke.

"Chill-ax man, do you need to get high?" Poke asked.

"I'm going to throw you off this ridge!" Ron threatened.

"Plateau." Poke corrected and Ron lunged at him.

"Hey! Don't pick on Poke!" Harry separated them.

"Thank you. We'll just wait here for the others to come get us." Poke sat down and started to meditate.

"But Poke-" Ron poked Poke. Poke started to levitate off the ground.

"Oooommmmm." He said under his breath.

"Let's try and find civilization." Harry said and they left.

-------------

"So I opened Hermione's door and-" Snap!

Ron and Harry froze in their tracks and turned around.

"Probably a squirrel, continue please." Harry said.

"Ok so then- HOLY SHIT A BEAR!" Ron pointed up a hill. A Brown Bear stood up and sniffed the air, then saw them.

"Wait! I saw a National Geographic about them! Just play dead!" Harry said and they laid down.

"Rawr!" The Bear walked over to them and sniffed them. He raise his paw and smacked Ron's head around to make sure he wasn't faking it. He shrugged and walked off. The two waited for a moment.

"Was that Mr. Banana Man?" Ron asked.

"No, he wears a chain around his neck with a Banana on it." Harry said and the two stood up.

"My head hurts." Ron grabbed his head.

"Here, I'll shoot up some red sparks and Dumbeldore will see is and he'll come get us." Harry said.

"ROAR!" They spun around to see the bear running toward them.

"Run!" Ron yelled and they took off and scrambled up the tree.

"Will he come after us?" Ron asked.

"I don't know!" Harry cried.

"I thought you said you saw a National Geographic about them!" Ron yelled and the Bear smacked his head against the trunk.

"It was a Bear Grills Special!" Harry cried. The Bear grew tired and sat down then looked at them.

"Ha! You can't come up here! Take that!" Ron yelled. The Bear got up and left. A few seconds later he came back with a Black Bear and pointed up the tree, then gave the Black Bear a wad of money. The Black Bear took the money, pocketed it, and shook the Brown Bear's paw, then easily started to climb up the tree.

"HOLY SHIT!" Ron yelled.

"Climb farther up!" Harry said and the two started to climb farther up the tree to avoid the Bear. They reached the very top.

"Wait! Ron! Do you have your wand?" Harry asked.

"Yes, were is yours?" Ron pulled out his wand. Harry pointed to the ground. He dropped it. Ron gave Harry his wand and Harry shot the black bear with a stunning spell. He fell to the ground knocked out. The Brown Bear ran away.

"Ha! We won!" Ron cheered.

"Ron, how are we supposed to get down?" Harry asked.

----------------------

Harry and Ron crawled out of the mud. The tree they were on couldn't take their weight and flung them across the woods and they landed in a pit of mud.

"I think it had more than just mud in it." Ron said, wiping mud off of his face.

"There's a pond!" Harry staggered over to the pond and fell it.

"PIRANHAS!" Harry jumped out, piranhas jumped out after him then fell back into the pond.

"That's so incorrect." Ron said.

"Let's go back to Poke and see how he's doing." Harry said.

-----With Poke-----

"Poke, are you ready for your destiny?" The Giant Spaghetti Monster asked.

"Oh Giant Spaghetti Monster, please enlighten me!" Poke said and bowed to him.

"I shall now bestow upon you all the knowledge in the Universe." He said and held out his noodly appendage. Poke held out his hand and touched his noodle arm. Light shone from Poke.

"It all makes sense now!" Poke gasped.

"Farewell Poke!" The Giant Spaghetti Monster flew away.

Poke opened his eyes and fell to the ground from Meditating. Around him were tents, grills, and cooked food ready to eat.

"Sweet! Thank you, 'o giant Spaghetti Monster!" Poke said and bowed one time before he ate.

----------------------

Harry and Ron stumbled through the woods then came upon a village.

"What the hell?" Ron looked around.

"This is my favorite Movie!" Harry gawked.

"Excuse me, can you tell us were civilization is?" Ron asked.

"That way." A villager pointed to a bus.

"Oh." Harry said. The two hooped on.

----------------------

As they drove towards Forks, the buss drove down a ravine and crashed. Harry and Ron were the only survivors. They stumbled through the woods as it started to rain. Then, they finally found Poke's camp.

Ron's jaw dropped.

"You, have food! And a Log Cabin!" Ron said.

"The Giant Spaghetti Monster mad all this possible!" Poke declared.

"Poke! Ron! Harry!" Emmett, Edward, and Carlisle burst through the woods.

"Thank GOD!" Ron said.

Poof! The disappeared.

"And the Giant Spaghetti Monster!" Poke added and it stopped raining.

"Spooky." Harry said.

"Please! Just take us home!" Ron cried.

"You know there is a village down there?" Harry pointed.

"Yeah. Edward and I dress up as monsters some times and terrorize it." Emmett laughed.

Then they left.

* * *

sorry about the quick ending, I couldnt think how to end it lol

so..

COMmenT


	14. I Pretend I'm a Horse

kay everyone, thanks for NOT reviewing at all...

did you know that fanfiction has Awards!? I think i deserve one....*holds out hand* AWARD PLZ!!!!

anyway, read and review if you agree

if not ur a zombie tree

* * *

"Hey Alice, can you see what I will have for lunch tomorrow? I can't decide." Ron said.

"Turkey Sandwich." Alice sighed.

"Ooh! Can't wait!" Ron skipped away.

"Hey Alice, will I use my Gold Desert Eagle to kill Hermione, or my Shotgun?" Renesmee asked.

"Both." Alice said after a brief pause.

"Awesome! Hermione!" Renesmee walked off.

"Are you OK Alice?" Jasper asked.

"Yeah, everyone just treats me like a decision making machine now." Alice shrugged.

Knock Knock!

Some one was at the door.

"Some one get that!" Bella said, even though she was standing next to the door painting her nails.

Jasper walked forward and opened the door.

"Can I help you?" Jasper asked.

"Yes, I am looking for Mary Alice Brandon." A voice said. Alice froze and stood up, she moved in front of Jasper

"Are you my creator?" She gawked at the male vampire. He smiled.

"Yes." He said.

----oh shit----

Jasper sat out side as Alice and Her Creator were inside talking up a storm.

"Emotion Rapist, tell me which tie is more Poke-tastic, this one with ducks on it, or this one with geese?" Poke held up two ties.

"Why?" Jasper asked.

"I am going to get a job!" Poke announced.

"NOOOO!!!!" Amerina jumped down from the roof.

"Poke! You can't get domesticated! That would make you so un-Poke-a-licious!" Amerina cried.

"Uh, I have to." Poke hung his head.

"Why?" Amerina demanded.

"The Giant Spaghetti Monster told me to." He said.

"If The Giant Spaghetti Monster told you to jump off a bridge would you?" Amerina demanded.

"I already did." Poke said. Jasper and Amerina looked at him in disbelief. "Shallow Pond a.k.a. a puddle." Poke said.

"Why was there a bridge over it?" Amerina asked.

"It was in a Japanese Garden. I was in China." Poke said.

"Yeah, that makes perfect sense." Jasper grumbled.

"What's wrong with our Jaspie?" Poke sat down next to him and Amerina did on the other side.

"Alice's creator is some how alive and now the two are inseparable." Jasper said. Amerina and Poke exchanged glances.

"Are...you...jealous?" Poke asked slowly, a smile spreading over his face.

"No!" Jasper said.

"I know a thing or two about Jealousy." Ron appeared.

"Were you there the whole time?" Amerina asked.

"Yeah I was hiding in the bush. Anyway, Hermione is my love interest even though the series gives absolutely no reason why, just suddenly- BAM!- I liked her and everyone was making out with each other, anyway, I found out she kissed Victor Crumbly-cake, so I started dating this psychopathic girl to make her jealous. It worked, but Hermione sent a bunch of birds after me, anyway, moral of the story is, make her jealous!" Ron said.

"I think that only applies to you." Poke said.

"How? I'm Ron!" Ron said.

"And I'm Poke." Poke threw back.

"He has a point there." Amerina said.

"You know we can here you." Alice said in the living room.

Poke and Amerina were gone suddenly and Ron just walked off. But a plan formed in Jasper's mind and he smiled evilly.

----A Few Days Later---

"Really? I ate that!?" Alice gawked as her Creator explained things. The door flew open and Jasper stormed in.

"Alice!" Jasper said.

"Later Edward." Alice said and didn't even look at him.

"Alice Cullen!" Jasper growled. Alice jumped and turned to him. Her Creator turned to him, curious.

"Yes?" Alice asked.

"Hey Jacob isn't stuck in the toilet." Leah walked down the stairs. Jasper grabbed Leah, kissed her briefly, then turned to Alice. Leah punched Jasper then so hard he spun around and was knocked out then Leah stomped off gagging.

"Jasper!" Alice said.

---Hours later----

"Ow, my head." Jasper opened his eyes.

"Jasper! Are you OK?" Alice asked. Jasper was on the couch. Emmett was upstairs laughing his ass off.

"Ew, you kissed that Menopausal Werewolf." Harry shuddered.

"Alice, were is your creator?" Jasper asked.

"He left, turns out, that was an impostor. I let him have a piece of my mind." Alice shook her head.

"Oh, sorry." Jasper said.

"I guess I just wanted to meet the person who saved my life. To know what it was like for me as a human... It was nice to pretend with him." Alice smiled.

"Some times I pretend I am a horse." Harry said.

----Jacob's Pack----

_"Mwahahahaha! JASPER HALE kissed YOU!" Jacob thought._

_"SHUT UP JACOB!" Leah roared._

_"Want me to tell Sam?" Seth asked._

_"No. If you do I will bite your gonads off in your sleep then feed them to Bears." Leah growled._

_"Well then..." Seth said._

* * *

now I better get some reviews!

xD


	15. Rehab Again!

i actually have a reason for not updating yesterday xD i went to Homecoming! with my friends and we kept it G-rated, even though some people were making out and spreading herpes, it was fun xD afterward we went to steak n shake and ate their steak n shakes lol

and my french class plus all the other lame ones are going to France for spring break xD but thats not until forever away, just to give you a heads up i will be away for a week lol

r-e-a-d-i-n-g r-a-i-n-b-o-w!!!

* * *

"Lalalala!" Alice walked down the steps.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" She yelled. Everyone else followed after.

The entire living room wall was colored red with Crayola crayons, the furniture was arranged like a fort around the TV, Edward's piano had Emmett's Jeep parked on top of it and the windows had all been smashed. Asleep next to the fort was Poke and Snape was in the middle of the room, a circle of gasoline around him and he was sitting down on the computer on Twitter.

"Snape! What the hell happened?!" Alice demanded. Snape blinked slowly.

"One minute, I have to Twitter this." He said. Alice grabbed the computer and tossed it outside into the forest.

"WHAT HAPPENED!?" Alice roared.

"Poke got high and drunk and built a fort, then he found Renesmee's crayons and colored the walls red, and left to get food and took Emmett's Jeep, then he circled around the house and crashed through the window and landed on Edward's Piano, fell out, found gasoline and dumped it in a circle around Snape and threatened to set him on fire, then crawled over to the Fort and fell asleep." Carlisle said.

"How do you know?" Alice asked.

"He Twittered it." Carlisle held up his cell phone that was on Twitter.

Alice grabbed Poke, still asleep and dragged him over to were Snape was and slapped him.

"AH!" Poke jumped up, then looked around.

"Ooh! A Fort!" Poke jumped up and ran over to it. Emmett stopped him and Poke walked back over to Snape and sat down.

"That's it Poke and Snape! You got wasted last night and you destroyed our living room! And Snape, you just watched him!" Alice said.

"And? Poke does that all the time." Snape said.

"You Twitter all the time." Poke said.

"Yeah but that's healthy." Snape said.

"No it isn't, Snape you have no life, and Poke your destroying your life." Carlisle said, using his doctor tone.

"So what should we do?" Poke asked.

"Rehab." Alice said.

-----not again-----

"OK, so please state your names." Dr. Drew said.

"Poke." Poke said. Dr. Drew looked at him, shrugged and moved on.

"Severus Snape." Snape growled.

"Back again Snape? See your Twitter addiction is still going strong." Dr. Drew smiled. They were sitting in a circle in a large room.

"See your still old." Snape grumbled.

"Any way, Poke, what is your real name?" Dr. Drew asked.

"Poke." Poke said.

"You put down here that your first name was Poke and your last name is Poke." Dr. Drew motioned to his clip board.

"Yeah." Poke said.

"So, your a meth and dope addict as well as an alcoholic." Dr. Drew read.

"My art teacher said that alcohol is Happy Juice and he used to take me to the back room and give me some, then I'd black out and wake up naked." Poke said.

"Poke, did your Art teacher touch you in uncomfortable places as a child?" Dr. Drew asked.

"What? Nooooo." Poke said and was trying to melt into the chair.

"Do you abuse drugs and alcohol to mask the memories? Do you call your self Poke so you can create a new Identity for yourself?" Dr. Drew asked.

"Everyone called me Poke because I poked people allot as a kid." Poke said.

------------------------

"Were is Poke?" Renesmee asked.

"He's at Rehab." Bella said. Everyone was washing to walls, trying to clean off the Crayon.

"Why?" Renesmee asked.

"Because he's destroying his life." Bella quoted Carlisle.

"HAROLD!" Renesmee yelled. Harold the Dragon appeared. Renesmee hooped on his back.

"Were are you going!?" Bella yelled.

"To free Poke!" Renesmee yelled and they flew off.

------------------------

"And then he t-t-told me-e-e-e tha-t-t my parents w-w-were gonna die i-if I t-told anyone!" Poke sobbed into Dr. Drew's arm.

"Uh, OK." Dr. Drew said.

Snape was busy Twittering.

"So, Poke, you understand that it wasn't your fault right? Are you comfortable telling me your real name?" Dr. Drew asked.

"Yes! My real name is-"

"POKE!!!" Renesmee crashed into the wall on Harold the Dragon.

"Finally! See ya!" Poke jumped on the back of Harold behind Renesmee and they turned to leave.

"What about me?" Snape yelled.

"You need to stay Snape, you got problems!" Renesmee said and they flew off.

----------------------------

Renesmee and Poke walked in.

"Everyone! Poke is free!" Renesmee cheered.

Everyone had just finished cleaning up.

"And next time you guys send me to rehab, send me to a real doctor, like Dr. Phil." Poke suggested.

* * *

c-o-m-m-e-n-t

no wait...

r-e-v-i-e-w


	16. Nursing Home

thanks everyone for the reviews :D maybe we can get at least 100? :D and on Part 1 I'm hoping to get 1000 but no one reviews it anymore lol

i guess they're to lazy to review all the chappies

so anyway, here is the next chapter im surprised no one else came up with the idea

* * *

Dumbeldore was shifting through the fridge.

"Hey! You guys don't have any Prunes!" Dumbeldore yelled.

"Why would we have Prunes?" Bella asked.

"I gotta go to the bathroom!" Dumbeldore took off. He shoved open the door to the bathroom.

"Occ-u-paddo!" Poke yelled and Dumbeldore shoved him out of the bathroom then shut the door.

Five minuets later....

"Bathroom's free again!" Dumbeldore walked out. Poke sniffed inside and fainted.

"That's it Bumbelcore!" Edward said.

"Dumbeldore." Harry corrected him.

"Bumblebee." Edward said.

"Dumbeldore." Harry corrected him.

"Dumbelcore." Edward said.

"Dumbeldore." Harry said, a little impatient.

"Lumpy Whore." Edward said.

"That's funny." Emmett said.

"Anyway, Bumblebee, you've been doing this nonstop!" Edward said.

"What?" Dumbeldore asked.

"Demanding prunes, then taking giant old-person dumps!" Emmett explained.

"Poke does that!" Dumbeldore said.

"He gets high then eats all our food." Emmett corrected.

"So, what are you going to do?" Dumbeldore asked.

There was a slight pause.

"Nursing home." Edward said slowly.

-------------------------

"Welcome Mr. Albus Dumbeldore to Shady Oaks Nursing Home." A nurse greeted Dumbeldore, Harry, and Carlisle at the front desk. "Are you his family?" The Nurse asked them.

"Sort of." Carlisle said.

"Will you plan to visit often?" She asked.

"Nope!" Ron said and popped the p.

"Alright then, we'll take good care of him." She smiled and they left. "This way Albus, you'll want to meet your room mate's Johnny and Helga, be careful, Johnny is very excitable." The Nurse led him down plain white halls then stopped at a door and led him in.

"Johnny, Helga, here is you new room mate. Albus. I'll let you get acquainted." The Nurse said and left.

"Don't touch my stuff sunny!" Helga said. She was on a rocking chair knitting and wore a stiff pink dress.

Dumbeldore sat down on a stripped bed that he guessed was his.

"Hey Albus, man, you ever been to war? I was Vietnam man!" Johnny said. He was missing a leg and had a green piece of cloth tied around his head and wore a green jacket, pants, and a gray shirt under his jacket.

"No...man." Albus said.

"Yeah, I got drafted in man, I've seen some things man, and did some stuff!" He said.

"You weren't in 'Nam, you were a Coast Guard." Helga snipped.

"Shut it Helga! I was too! That's were I lost my leg! Stepped on a land mine, blew it clean off! Killed five other's on my platoon!" Johnny said.

"You lost your leg in a fishing accident." Helga muttered.

"Don't listen to her man, she's a square, she thinks I steal her gifts her grand kids get her, I do not!" Johnny yelled.

"Your just mad your family stopped visiting you." Helga said, and her denchers popped out. "Oops! Hahahahaha! Lost my teeth again!" She bent down and picked them up, then with a nasty popping noise shoved them back in.

"That's nasty man." Johnny said.

"Bingo Time!" A buzzer on the wall said . They got up and shuffled to the large Bingo Hall.

"Here are your prunes." A different Nurse from before passed out a small bowl of Prunes to everyone.

"Prunes! Oh boy!" Dumbeldore said and ate some.

Five minuets later....

"B5." The announcer yelled.

"Bingo!" Helga yelled and stood up. "Oh, my hip!" She groaned.

"Ah, man! All I needed was one more!" Johnny beat his fist against the table. Dumbeldore was starting to get depressed, thinking he was going to spend the rest of his life there.

"BUMBELBEE!" Harold the Dragon burst through the wall. Harry and Poke were on him.

"Get on Professor!" Harry yelled. Dumbeldore jumped up behind Poke.

"Hey!" Poke turned to glare at him.

"Take me with you!" Johnny cried.

"Hell no!" Dumbeldore said and they flew off.

"That place smells!" Poke said.

----------------------------

The door flew open and the three walked back in.

"What the hell? Can't anyone stay in Rehab or a Nursing Home?" Edward huffed.

"Nope!" Ron said and popped the p.

* * *

old people are funny xD

thats why im not going to get old, i found the secret to immortality in an apple

R

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V

I

E

W


	17. GrammarNazi's

alright everyone, took along time to get some reviews, but thanks anyway :D

i so excited

r-E-a-D and R-e-V-i-E-w

* * *

"Aw, there ain't no cabbages!" Poke yelled after looking in the fridge. The door fell down and several soldiers dressed in black ran in.

"What the hell!?" Poke jumped.

"We are the Grammar Nazi's!" One said and pointed to his arm, were a swastika would be on a regular Nazi uniform was a speech bubble.

"And?" Poke asked.

"Ah!! Quickly, arrest him! I can't take is INCORRECT GRAMMAR!!!!!!!!!!" One roared.

"We're going to take you to Grammar-Auschwitz!" One said.

"Are you serious? I'm going to go lay down." Poke tried to walk around them.

"Get him!" One tackled him.

"AH!" Poke yelled.

Upstairs....

Renesmee jumped up from her coloring book.

"My Poke sense is tingling!" She said and ran out.

"Help! I don't wanna go!!!" Poke was holding onto the door frame while the Grammar-Nazi's were pulling on his legs.

"DON'T MESS WITH POKE!" Renesmee tackled them and started to beat them up.

Across the yard Jacob saw.

"I'll save 'ya Nessie!" He yelled and jumped into the fray.

"Oh boy a fight!" Emmett jumped from his room window into the fight.

"Look Ron!" Harry pushed Ron off of the roof into it.

five minuets later.....

"You are all going to Grammar-Auschwitz!" A Grammar-Nazi said. They were tied up.

"It's the Grammar-Holocaust!" Renesmee cried.

"Get off my proper-dy!" Amerina appeared dressed as a hillbilly and had Renesmee's shotgun.

"Oh no! A Hillbilly! Get here you filthy Hillbilly!" One said.

"Imma give y'all tr-ee sec-unds and if y-oo don' leave, Imma 'sic 'da hounds on y-oo!" Amerina said.

"So many Grammar mistakes!" One shuddered.

"One." Amerina said. They tensed up.

"Two." She said.

"Tr-ee!" She finished. Boxie came bounding out of no were toward them.

"Like we're afraid of a mutt!" One said. She jerked her head for them to look. Harold the Dragon swooped down and landed, then roared loudly, so loudly it shook the house.

"Eep." One said in small voice.

two minuets later....

"How did you come up with that idea to impersonate a Hillbilly?" Renesmee asked. They were in the kitchen, Renesmee eating a bowl of cereal and Amerina a human leg.

"Easy, Grammar-Nazi's natural enemies are Hillbilly's, foreigners just learning English, and goats. So I had a Hillbilly costume from last Halloween and dressed up as one." Amerina explained.

"I can understand the first two, but why goats?" Renesmee added.

"No one knows." Amerina shrugged.

"I do. Stay Gold." Poke said.

* * *

stay gold ponyboy....

lol ponyboy...best name EVER!

review!


	18. Retarded Idea Alert

thanks for the "reviews" about the outsiders .

so i want a review and not about giant robots

if you review about robots i will make the tooth fairy shank you

* * *

"Where's Emmett?" Rosalie asked Alice

"He went to the junk yard." Alice said.

"Why?" Rosalie asked.

"To get a part for his Jeep." Alice huffed.

"Hey guys!" Emmett yelled. Everyone in the house looked out the window that was in the room they were in facing the front.

"I can't see anything!" Ron said.

"Ron, look in the front!" Harry yelled.

"Oh! OK! I'm good!" He said.

"Look what I found at the Junk Yard!" Emmett motioned to the Iron Giant.

--------------

"Yeah! I'm a real boy!" Emmett was flying around on the Iron Giant's back.

"I can't believe it." Edward said.

"I know, that movie sucked." Dumbledore said.

"Why does he get a gigantic robot?" Renesmee pouted.

"Would you like the Iron Woman as a friend?" Alice asked.

"I would!" Ron said.

"Ew, no." Renesmee said.

"Has anyone seen my broom!?" Malfoy stormed out. His broom landed at his feet covered with Robot boogers.

"Sorry." The Iron Giant said. Emmett landed on the ground.

"Mr. Anderson!" A voice said. Emmett turned around. He was on a roof top and Smith, then bullets flew at Emmett and he leaned back like Neo.

"COOL!" Emmett said.

"EMMETT!!!!" Rosalie yelled in his ear.

"WHOA!!!!!" Emmett fell off his chair.

"You were day dreaming again." Edward said.

"How is that possible?" Bella asked.

"Shut up and go fish." T-Jeff said.

* * *

sorry about the lame idea

at least i updated

ommmmmmmg

reviews


	19. Day Care

guess what guys? today i have no school! WOOT!

* * *

"Where is Renesmee?" Jacob looked around, confused.

"She's at day care." Rosalie said.

----------

"It's time for Snack time!" Miss White said.

They passed around small bags of animal crackers. Renesmee looked at her food, she only had five crackers.

"You, Ginger, give me your crackers." Renesmee held her shotgun up to a boy next to her.

"RENESMEE!" Miss White yelled.

"What?" Renesmee asked.

"What did we say about holding guns up to people?!" Miss White said.

"To not to?" Renesmee said slowly.

-----------

"Why does she need to go to day care? I could have taken care of her." Jacob said.

"You mean molest her." Rosalie grumbled.

"What's this mean?" Ron pointed to an addition symbol.

"That means add." Carlisle was teaching him math as well as Harry and Hermione.

"I already know this!" Hermione said smugly.

"Good, then you can start on this!" Carlisle placed a book about three feet thick on her desk. It was so heavy it tilted over the desk and landed on the ground.

"Quantum Physics?" Hermione read.

"Yep, it should be no problem for you, if Harry was correct about how smart you were." Carlisle said.

"Two plus two, THREE!" Ron said.

"No Ron it's-"

"Shut up Harry. " Ron snapped to Harry.

"I'm to rich for knowledge." Malfoy said.

* * *

sorry about the short chapter, again i couldnt think of anything

give ma a day or two and ill come up with something

in the mean time, review

oh and....

we just got passed 100 reviews!!!!!

maybe we can get 200 reviews by the end of November???


	20. There's a Finger in my Chili!

thanks for the reviews, and some one asked me if this one will have a movie again here are the requrements for a movie:

300 reviews

50 chapters

5,000 hits

50 faves

20 alerts

thats a hefty list but its a good thing i dont spill xD haha napkin joke

* * *

"We are BROKE!" Bella looked through all the drawers in the house, usually there was a couple thousand dollars laying around, but all the drawers were empty.

"No we're not! I hid all our money." Alice said.

"Where?" Bella asked.

"In a bank!" Alice said smugly.

"Like that will help." Emmett grumbled.

"Well, why did you?" Bella asked.

"So Poke doesn't spend it all on drugs." Alice said, crossing her arms.

"Where is Poke? I haven't seen him in two chapters!" Bella said.

"He's at Wendy's." Renesmee informed them.

"The fast food place?" Alice scrunched up her nose.

"It's NOT fast food, it's WENDY'S!" Emmett yelled.

"It's still fast food." Alice muttered.

---------------------

Poke had a bowl of chili in front of him. He pulled out a human finger and shoved it into the chili.

"Ew! There's a FINGER in my chili!" Poke yelled.

----------------------

"Watch this." Renesmee said to Harry and Ron. Hermione was reading her Quantum Physics book. Renesmee crept up behind her, then held her shot gun up to Hermione's head and with a loud band, shot Hermione and killed her.

"Bwahahahahaha!" Ron and Harry were rolling on the ground laughing.

"You guys killed my Horcrux!" Hermione appeared.

"Your what?" Renesmee asked.

"Hermione, you created a Horcrux?" Harry asked in disbelief.

"Yes, I taught her!" Voldemort appeared.

"Why are you still here?" Harry asked him.

"I like the women here." Voldemort said.

"That's sexist!" Hermione snapped.

"I thought you were gay." Renesmee said.

"I'm bisexual!" Voldemort announced.

"That's sexist!" Hermione said.

"Good for you! Congratulations!" Renesmee clapped and everyone else did.

"It feels, like, like I'm a person now!" Voldemort cried.

"Ew." Ron said.

"Shut up!" Voldemort growled.

"At least my best friend isn't a snake!" Harry said.

"At least my best friend isn't a Ron!" Voldemort growled.

"My best friend is money!" Malfoy said.

"My best friend is a werewolf." Renesmee frowned.

"Hey guys!" Poke walked in carrying a pile of money and a bowl of chili.

"Poke, who is your best friend?" Renesmee asked.

"That's easy! Me!" Poke said.

"Are you going to eat that chili?" Ron asked.

"Nope." Poke handed him the bowl of chili and walked off.

Ron dug into it, then made a gurgling noise and spat out the finger.

"AH!!!" He ran off.

"Is he gonna finish that?" Voldemort pointed to the chili.

* * *

regarding the movie requirements, it seems like the same people review every time, so, plz recommend me and this crack-tastic story to everyone you know :D

and review about fingers in chili from wendy's xD

or not...


	21. Attack of the Disney Channel Characters!

oh man my tummy hurts xP

sorry about that but i feel like killing some one, so instead ill make fun of Disney channel.

* * *

"Harry, I require your services." Renesmee said to Harry who was eating oatmeal.

"Wha?" He asked.

"I want you to make the characters of Hannah Montana come alive so Poke will shut up about wanting to meet them." Renesmee said.

"If I meet Miley Cyrus, my life would be complete!" Poke said in the other room.

"I don't think they have a spell for that." Harry said.

"They should! Check your book of spells." Renesmee said.

"I don't have a book of spells." Harry informed her sadly.

"What the hell kind of Wizard are you?" Renesmee said.

"Let's try." Harry said and reached in his pocket to pull out his wand. Instead he pulled out a moldy apple.

"Here you go." Renesmee handed him his wand. He shrugged and walked into the living room.

"Hm, come to life-us!" Harry said to the TV and pointed his wand at it. There was a blinking light and Hannah Montana came out with Lily, Oliver, Jackson, and her Dad.

Poke walked in then, stopped, then his jaw fell open.

"OH MY GIANT SPAGHETTI MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He screamed like a twelve year old girl.

"Hey y'all, that hurt my e'rs!" Hannah Montana said.

"OMGSM! I am a huge fan!" Poke said.

"Who isn't?" Lily said.

"I KNOW!" Oliver shouted.

"Why are you shouting?" Bella asked him as she walked in.

"I CAN'T ACT SO I HAVE TO SHOUT!" Oliver said.

"Quick! Let's dress up as a gay Republican drug addict and sneak into the Smithsonian to get a soda!" Lily said. Renesmee held her shot gun up to her head and pulled the trigger.

"You killed Lily!" Jackson said.

"You bastard!" The Dad said.

"Renesmee, why did you just kill her?" Bella demanded.

"She was annoying." Renesmee said.

The show was over, then the next one on was The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.

Zack, Cody, London, and Maddie came out.

"Whoa! Hey baby." Zack said to Bella. Edward appeared and threw him through a wall.

"WOW! I'M SMART!" Cody said, showing his buck teeth.

"Why did they just come through the TV?" Renesmee said to Harry.

"I don't know. Maybe when the show ends and a new one starts the characters of that show come out." Harry scratched his head.

"Wow! You said character! I don't know what that means!" London said.

"Ugh, you are so stupid London. I'm poor, but smart." Maddie said.

"At least the Janitor didn't come out." Renesmee shrugged.

"Quickly! Turn it before the show ends!" Emmett dove for the remote.

"Why?" Harry asked.

"I checked TV guide, a marathon of Jonas comes on after this!" Emmett said.

"TURN IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Renesmee yelled.

"Oops! To late!" Emmett said. The Jonas Brothers came out.

Renesmee then shot them before they could say any thing.

"THIS IS VIOLENT!" Oliver said.

"Get back-ith into the TV!" Harry waved his wand. The characters flew back into the TV. Jonas was still on, and it showed the Jonas Brothers dead on the ground.

"They're much more rude in person." Poke said.

"I'll be in my trailer." Emmett said and left.

* * *

you know whats sad is that i know the names of the characters on disney channel and i dont watch disney channel xD any more lol

review plz


	22. Viktor CrumblyCake's Revenge!

omgomgomg

i was reading TUHPTCO part 1 and saw a few things that promised a sequel in themxD

first off,

the return of....

Viktor Crumblycake! (Viktor Crumb [I think thats how it is spelled {maybe not}])

lmao, parenthesis fun.

* * *

Ron was reading a book, Hermione was reading her Quantum Physics book still, her bald head had a small growth of fuzz from her hair growing back.

The Cullen's were upstairs, Renesmee was playing Barbie's with Jacob, Poke was in the corner trying to evaporate the wall with his mind, and Harry was on the computer.

"Does Snape ever get out of Twitter?" He muttered to himself.

It was quiet and peaceful.

BAM!

A floating boat crashed to the ground outside and Viktor Crumb jumped out and ran on.

"Hermione! I have returned for you!" Viktor announced.

"Oh lord, he's back." Ron muttered.

"You! I have not forgotten the disgrace you brought upon me from our last duel!" Viktor said.

"It was a DDR challenge!" Ron said.

"What's his name?" Poke asked.

"Viktor Crumblycake." Renesmee said while trying to pop the head off of a Barbie.

"Hey Viktory Crumblycake, can I ride your boat?" Poke asked.

"My good fellow, what is your name?" Viktor asked.

"Poke." He said.

"Poke?" Viktor questioned.

"Were did you learn English? I turn-of-the-century novel?" Harry asked.

"Anyway, I am here to reclaim the hand of Hermione!" Viktor declared.

"I'm lost, what happened?" Poke asked.

"This calls for a flashback!" Emmett said (he just walked in).

---**Flashy-Back**---

_"I challenge you to a duel! The winner get's Hermione!" Viktor said._

_"Deal!" Ron said and the two shook hands._

_"Good, I challenge you to a duel of.....DDR!" Viktor said and the crowd gasp._

_"What is that?" Ron asked. A giant DDR platform appeared._

_"Ron! Don't do it! Viktor is the DDR champion of Eastern Europe, New Zealand, and Antarctica!" Renesmee said._

_"What the hell is DDR?!" Ron asked._

_"This spoof seems awfully familiar." Emmett said._

_"__Co-ray in the house!" _A far off voice said.

_"Well, no one important lives in those places anyway." Ron shook his head. Everyone gasped. "What?" Ron asked and looked around. Victor was crying._

_"How dare you say Penguins are not important! I was going to go easy on you, but now, I shall definitely strap on my crazy legs!" Viktor growled. The game started up._

_"I still do not know what this is!" Ron said._

_"Now, players, face each other." The game said. Viktor turned to Ron. They placed their hands in front of them. "I want a clean game, no double kick twists, elbow flip jumps, or chin busters. Players, go." The game said._

_"I must brake you." Viktor said as they smacked fists. They turned to the screen._

_--_**-End Flashy-Back!---**

"Man I was a fug-o." Emmett said.

"This is ridiculous!" Hermione stood up form her chair, her book slid out of her hands and fell to the floor. Poke picked it up and handed it to Hermione. Viktor narrowed his eyes.

"YOU!!" He yelled and pointed to Poke.

"Me?" Poke shrugged.

"Do you pine after Hermione as well!?" Viktor demanded.

"Do I what!?" Poke asked, outraged.

"Do you get freaky for Hermione?" Renesmee asked.

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

_five minuets later...._

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

_five more minuets later_

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Poke shouted.

"Why the long Ew?" Edward and Bella wandered over.

"Anyway, I have thought long and hard over my revenge Ronald, and I have arrived at the truth! I challenge you to a game of...HOPSCOTCH!" Viktor said.

"Are you serious? You can just have her, I already got to third base with her." Ron said and shoved Hermione forward.

"Skank!" Renesmee said and shot Hermione in the head.

Viktor's mouth fell open.

"You...killed...her." He said slowly in a small voice.

"Wait a chapter, she'll come back." Renesmee said.

"HA!" Jacob managed to pop the head of the Barbie.

"Success!" He cheered.

* * *

that was a very long ew, just wanted to get Poke's point across lol

Re

Vi

Ew


	23. Pictures, Aliens, Fighting, Holy Crap!

thanks for those review :D sry it takes me so long to update, id update earlier, but my evil brothers get on allot b/c they have no lives like me lol

so, here is another sequel chapter from part 1

contains:

La Push Show

Little Alien Buddy (he's an alien from the movie District 9...long story)

and edward is GASP, going to be in character! :O some what, the best i could do lol

and from request, PICTURE DAY!!

lol, so plz read

* * *

"You know what dumb thing you could do Jacob?" Renesmee asked him. They were eating Frosted Flakes.

"What?" Jacob asked.

"Another La Push Show!" Renesmee said.

"Oh my-"

Out side Edward was painting the house.

"GOD!" Jacob finished. Edward was startled and fell from the latter he was on and to the ground. He clunked his head and closed his eyes.

He opened them then.

'_HOLY SHIT!!! I TOTALLY SHOULD!' _Jacob was screaming in his mind.

'_Jacob? Normally that dog curses in his head but-"_

_'Where did I put my meth?' _Poke was in the bathroom, shifting through poisons looking for his drug.

_'What?' _Edward thought in disbelief.

'_I swear if he doesn't stop spying on me!' _Hermione was fuming about Ron peeking through her window again.

'_You know what would be awesome. Me in a Little Bo Peep Dress!' _Emmett thought.

_'Well, he normally thinks like that...."_ Edward reasoned with himself.

'_I just herd a voice in my head! NO! I WONT SPILL FBI! YOU CANT MAKE ME!' _Poke roared.

Edward sat there for a few moments.

"GET OUT OFF MY HEAD!" Poke came charging out the door and ran into a tree.

-------------

"OK Emmett, smile!" A photographer said.

Emmett was dressed up as Little Bo Peep. He had Beatrice the Sheep with him, and had a bonnet on with fake gold hair coming out of it.

The camera flashed and Emmett blinked. The camera was an old fashioned camera and the picture flew out. Emmett grabbed it. He blinked in the picture and his eyes were close.

"That'll be five bucks!" The photographer held out his hand. Emmett grabbed his hand and started to Salsa dance with the photographer. They finished and turned to Renesmee, Jasper, and Harry.

Renesmee held up an 8 card, Jasper a 9, and Harry an 8.

"WE WON! WOO!" Emmett cheered.

"Click, click, click!" A voice said. Emmett's eyes bugged out and he looked down.

"Little Alien Buddy!" He picked up little Alien Buddy.

"Hey! Why aren't you with your dad?" Renesmee asked.

"Click click, click, CLICK! Click, click." Little Alien Buddy nodded at the end.

"Hey guys, I need a place to set up for the La Push Show 3, and Emmett, don't make me fart out a canary again." Jacob narrowed his eyes at him.

"Psh, you can keep your dumb show, Little Alien Buddy and I are going to go to Disney World!" Emmett said.

-----------

"Bella, please tell me that your normal." Edward walked up to Bella in their cottage.

"Edward, time to practice putting on makeup!" Bella turned around, armed to the teeth with make up from Alice.

"Bella, I, uh. Want to have sex?" Edward stalled for time.

"OKAY! I call shot gun!" Bella said and ran through the walls to their bedroom.

-------------

"My next guess is Quil Ateara who imprinted on a two year old girl!" Jacob said. Since the crowd they needed would have been the entire town of Forks and the LaPush reservation, Renesmee had Carlisle build a sound box. She pressed a button and their fake growd booed.

"Is he doing the La Push show again?" Seth asked Leah who was watching.

"Yeah, he got rejected again and is trying to appeal to Comedy Central." Leah rolled her eyes.

Quil walked out with Claire and Emily.

"I'm out of here." Leah growled and stomped off.

"So, Quil, don't you think that imprinting on a two year old has taken some of Claire's freedom away?" Jacob asked (_Renesmee made the fake crowd take a sharp intake of breath)_

"How?" Quil asked.

"Their choice on who they want to marry and date, the friends they want, ect." Jacob said.

"Jacob, you imprinted on a baby. A half vampire baby." Quil said.

"Vampire? Wha's a vam-pie-er?" Claire asked.

"Ssh Claire, the grown ups are talking." Emily said.

Claire mimicked locking her mouth and tossing away the key.

"That's besides the point. You did it first." Jacob said.

"That doesn't change the fact that you did it too." Quil shot back.

"Shut up...Quil. Go write, with a Quil." Jacob said.

"DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY NAME!" Quil tackled Jacob and the two started to wrestle.

"Ja-cob! Ja-cob! Ja-cob!" The fake crowd chanted.

Little Alien Buddy evaporated the wall then using his fancy alien gun, then blew up the sound box.

"That almost hit me!" Renesmee said.

"Click click click clickaa!" He said.

"Did he just say, 'Get to the Chappa?'" Quil asked and Little Alien Buddy nodded.

"Renesmee did you get the recording?" Jacob asked, still on the ground.

"Nope, the lens cap was on. My bad." Renesmee said.

"Ugh!" Jacob started to hit his head against the floor.

* * *

that was a little ramble-ish lol

gerrrrrr

Review maybe? YES!

if i get 10 or more reviews i'll reveal why the FBI would be spying on him xD


	24. The FBI

sry for not updating yesterday, i was busy xD

so like i promised, this is why the FBI would want to spy on Poke

and tomorrow is the halloween special xD

* * *

"Poke, I need to ask you something." Edward said. Poke was in the living room coloring with Renesmee on the wall.

"Sure, what?" Poke asked.

"Why did you think the FBI was inside your head?" Edward asked.

"What's the FBI?" Renesmee asked.

"You know those robots in the Matrix?" Poke asked her. Renesmee nodded yes. "Basically they look like that guy who says 'Mr. Anderson' allot." Poke said.

"Awesome! I want to be in the FBI!" Renesmee said.

"So?" Edward tapped his foot.

"Oh, OK, it was three years ago and I was on vacation in Moscow..." Poke started to explain.

.....a long time ago in a galaxy far far away....

"_I was walking down the street when out of no where a big beefy guy appears and says:_

_"Hey, wanna make some money?"_

_"I thought he wanted me to become a prostitute so I asked:_

_"With what?" And I pulled out pepper spray I stole from a drunk girl._

_"With some drugs!" He said._

_"Now your talkin' my language!" I agreed, I hadn't gotten high in weeks!_

_"I thought I already was." He said._

_"What do you want me to do?" I asked._

_"Here's five kilograms of heroin, I want you to smuggle it into the US, then go to this address and ask for Boris, then you'll get paid five thousand American dollars." He explained._

_Two thoughts crossed my mind, first what the hell is a kilogram, and second, five thousand dollars wasn't allot of money, I could burn through that amount in about two days tops. But I agreed and took the drugs and he helped me hide them._

_I was disappointed that he didn't give me and meth, so I had an idea. I wandered around the worst part of the town until I saw a drug dealer. I exchanged half of the Heroin for Meth. Then I found an alley and got fucked up, I blacked out then, and the next thing I know, I was awake in a UN room and several FBI agents were standing over me. I got up and saw a giant whole in the wall,and they told me I found out something I shouldn't, but the kicker was that I couldn't remember what it was because I was so high._

_I thought they'd torture it out of me by playing the Barney Song at full volume, but I explained to them that I couldn't remember. I spent five days there until they decided that I was telling the truth, the last thing one of them said to me was:_

_"We'll be listening, Poke, we'll be listening." _Poke explained.

"What happened to the drugs?" Renesmee asked.

"I don't know, they probably took it and got high." Poke shrugged.

"Uh, Poke, have you ever thought of quitting drugs? I mean, you get in odd situations all the time when you get high." Edward tried to reason with him.

"Hey, I can quit anytime I want!" Poke snapped.

"How about now?" Edward asked.

"No, I'm busy today." Poke said. Emmett crashed through the window and landed on the couch.

"Emmett! Are you OK?" Edward asked.

"Uh, yeah." He said. Rosalie gracefully flew in and landed on her feet.

"No fair, you get to fly." Renesmee frowned.

"We were hang gliding." Emmett mumbled.

"What went wrong?" Edward asked.

"Uh, I lost the glider." Emmett said.

"That's not the only thing." T-Jeff said.

* * *

lmao, T-Jeff is inappropriate

some one asked for them to go hang gliding, sry i didnt make it longer :[

here is a sneak peak at the Halloween special:

"Where are we?" Edward looked around.

"I don't know, but this bathroom is filthy" Emmett was on his tip toes. Rosalie, Emmett, Bella, Renesmee, and Edward were in a nasty bathroom.

A TV clicked on and there was a menacing laugh.

"Oh hell no." Bella said.

"Hello, I want to play a game." Jigsaw the puppet said.

"Ooh, I'm a beast at checkers!" Edward said.

"No, you do not know the meaning of life, so I want to see how far you will go to protect it. But there are rules-"

"Ha! You can't kill us! We're immortal!" Rosalie said smugly.

"Oh yes, that's why I captured these six." He said. From the roof Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dumbeldore, Snape, and Malfoy were lowered down by a chain and the floor below them split open to reveal rows of spinning saws.

Hermione was already dead.

"Uh, why did you kill that one?" Renesmee asked.

"She was getting on my nerves." Jigsaw said.

"Anyway, If you fail to follow the rules, then these five will die." Jigsaw said.

"Fucking Puppet!" Emmett cursed.

....end sneak peak!

REVIEW! about the chapter, and the sneak peak please.


	25. Halloween Special!

as promised...

**Halloween Special**

**2009**

if you dont know what Halloween is, it's the holiday you get free candy from strangers :D

* * *

"Everyone, I am throwing a Halloween party!" Alice announced.

"At such a short notice?" Bella asked.

"This town is so small everyone will come." Alice rolled her eyes.

"Mom, I thought we were going trick-or-treating." Renesmee frowned. She was going as a fairy.

"Of coarse." Bella smiled

"Everyone! I know what I'm going to be!" Emmett walked into the living room.

"What?" Jacob asked.

"A Vampire!" He smiled.

"I'm being a werewolf!" Jacob said.

"I'm being a wizard!" Harry said.

"I'm being a witch!" Ron said.

"Dumb asses." Rosalie muttered.

---in a dark house---

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Jigsaw yelled.

"What's wrong?" The Old Dude asked.

"I wasn't in the serial killer chapter!" Jigsaw growled.

"It's just a fanfic." Old Guy said and took some cholesterol medicine.

"So! I'm a serial killer! Sort 'a." He muttered.

"What are you going to do?" The Old Guy asked.

"Easy." Jigsaw smiled.

"Kill them?" The Old Guy asked.

"Yes! I shall exact my revenge on the characters." Jigsaw rubbed his hands.

"I'll get the Butt Cream." The Old Guy sighed.

---Back at the Cullen's---

"Trick-or-treat!" Renesmee said.

"Aw, what a cute child! Can I hear a joke?" A man asked.

"Yeah, if this old dude doesn't give me candy Imma kick him in his nuts." Renesmee tapped her foot impatiently.

"Old dude?!" The guy said to himself in disbelief and gave her the candy.

"How much do you have?" Amerina asked.

"Almost full!" Renesmee beamed. Amerina looked like a guy. "Uh, Amerina, what are you supposed to be?" Renesmee asked.

"A girl dressed as a guy trying to dress like a girl who is trying to dress like a guy." Amerina explained.

"Guys! THE NEWTONS HAVE BUTTERFINGERS!" Jacob yelled, then charged off to Mike Newton's house.

---The Cullen's---

"Which dress is slutty?" Rosalie held up a French Maid dress, then a Tinker Bell dress.

"Hm...The French Maid dress, the Tinker Bell dress is just disturbing." Emmett judged.

"French Maid it is." Rosalie said.

"Yo, yo, yo." Edward walked in. He had a bowl cut and looked like Austin Powers.

"What are you?" Emmett laughed.

"I'm a Beetle!" Edward said.

"Beetle's are bugs Edward, not guy's from the sixties." Rosalie rolled her eyes and Edward sighed.

Downstairs the party was just starting.

"Wow! This place looks like a haunted house!" Angela observed, referring to the very scary haunted house that for once looked like a vampire lived there.

"Did you guys see Jasper? He looks like a REAL vampire!" Ben said as a crowd started to form in the party.

"Have you seen Poke? I don't want him to crash the party." Alice said to Esme.

"Did you invite him?" Esme asked.

"Uh, no." Alice said.

Poke then jumped through a window.

"MWAHAHAHA!" He yelled like an evil demon. He hit the speakers playing Gothic music for the mood, toppled it over and crashed to the ground. Everyone ran out in fright.

"Whoa, nice party! It's like a grave yard!" He observed.

"People where here until you SCARED them AWAY!" Alice roared.

"Hm. OK." Poke shrugged.

"ARGH!" Alice tackled Poke.

---With Amerina, Renesmee, and Jacob---

"I got a Snickers!" Renesmee said.

"I got bubble gum!" Jacob said.

"I got a rock." Amerina frowned. A van drove up then and stopped in front of them. Several men jumped out in all black and grabbed them.

"Quick! Amerina throw the rock!" Jacob yelled.

"I ate it!" Amerina yelled before they were knocked out.

---At the Party---

Men in all black crashed in and grabbed them.

"AH! NO! NOT THE FBI!" Poke thrashed around.

They too were taken by the men.

---Somewhere---

"Where are we?" Edward looked around.

"I don't know, but this bathroom is filthy" Emmett was on his tip toes. Rosalie, Emmett, Bella, Renesmee, and Edward were in a nasty bathroom.

A TV clicked on and there was a menacing laugh.

"Oh hell no." Bella said.

"Hello, I want to play a game." Jigsaw the puppet said.

"Ooh, I'm a beast at checkers!" Edward said.

"No, you do not know the meaning of life, so I want to see how far you will go to protect it. But there are rules-"

"Ha! You can't kill us! We're immortal!" Rosalie said smugly.

"Oh yes, that's why I captured these six." He said. From the roof Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dumbeldore, Snape, and Malfoy were lowered down by a chain and the floor below them split open to reveal rows of spinning saws.

Hermione was already dead.

"Uh, why did you kill that one?" Renesmee asked.

"She was getting on my nerves." Jigsaw said.

"Anyway, If you fail to follow the rules, then these five will die." Jigsaw said.

"Fucking Puppet!" Emmett cursed.

"So what do you want us to do?" Edward asked.

"I want to see how far you'll go to protect li-"

"Are you busy killing the people from the fanfic?" The Old Guy yelled from the back round.

"Shut up!" Jigsaw yelled.

"What is this really about?" Bell asked.

"Huh, fine, I'm mad I wasn't is the serial killer chapter." Jigsaw said.

"Technically your not a serial killer." Renesmee said.

"What?" Jigsaw asked.

"Good job Renes-whatever, stall!" Snape said.

"Wait, were is Poke, Amerina Alice, and Jacob?" Emmett looked around.

"What was that about me not being a serial killer?" Jigsaw asked.

"You kill people you think don't value life. And that makes you a hypocrite, because you kill life, and all life is valuable. Even those who seem like they don't deserve it." Renesmee explained.

"What a nice speech." Dumbeldore said.

"That's it, I'm killing them." Jigsaw said. The humans were lowered toward the saw's.

"WAIT!" Everyone screamed.

"Jesus! WHAT!?" Jigsaw yelled.

"Why did you do that?" Edward demanded, Emmett was still hooping around avoiding the dirty spots on the ground.

"I'm going to call the Grammar-Nazi's on you! So many mistakes." He shuddered.

"Hey look a TV!" A voice called. Amerina appeared behind Jigsaw and waved. "Hi mom! I know your dead but, hey!" Amerina yelled.

"I wanna be on TV!" Poke appeared behind them.

"Cool! A Puppet!" Jacob picked up Jigsaw and tried to shove his hand up Jigsaw's back to make him talk.

"Hey! Your hand isn't supposed to go there!" Jigsaw yelled and attacked Jacob.

"AH!" He ran around, Jigsaw gnawing on his shoulder.

"I got him"!" Amerina ripped him off and beat him against the wall until all that was left was a splintered mess.

"Hey I think this old guy is having a heart attack." Poke said in the background. The door in the bathroom opened and Jacob ran in and rescued them. They left and walked into a house.

"Wait a second." Poke froze.

"YOU!" A voice yelled. They turned around to see the D.E.A. agent from before standing in the door way.

"RUN!" Poke yelled and they bolted from the house, the D.E.A. agent running after them, shooting at Poke.

"Poke, what the hell!?" Renesmee guested to the tree in the front covered with toilet paper.

"What? I couldn't help myself!" Poke laughed as they ran away.

---------------------

"Thank you for joining us, in another, Tales from the Crypt!" A skeleton said, laughing.

"Get out of my seat!" The Crypt Keeper said, a bagel in his hand and coffee.

* * *

**Happy Halloween!**

**rEvIeW pLeAsE  
**


	26. The Future is AWESOME!

omg shes updating!

no time to explain-

READ!!

* * *

"Nessie...Nessie..Nessie." A voice chirped. Renesmee slowly opened her eyes.

"Ow, my head." Renesmee rubbed her head.

"Your awake." The Voice said. Renesmee turned to see Jacob.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Renesmee asked.

"You were out for a long time, almost ten years." Jacob said.

"TEN YEARS!?" Renesmee jumped up and looked at herself in the mirror. "When did I get these?!" She pointed to her chest.

"Uh-"

"How could I be out for so long!? Where is Mommy? Dad? POKE!?" Renesmee waved her arms.

"Renesmee...they're dead." Jacob said.

--dun dun DUN!--

"Has anyone seen Renesmee?" Bella asked.

"Nope." Poke was reading a magazine.

A person burst through the wall then and rolled, then landed on their feet.

"Quickly! Were is the half vampire half human!?" The Person asked.

"YOU!!!!!!!" Amerina shouted from the top of the stairs.

"I can explain!" The Person held their hands up, then Amerina tackled them and started to beat them up.

Emmett pulled Amerina off The Person.

"What's going on?" Carlisle asked.

"Uh, let me explain!" The Person stood up and brushed off their shirt.

"I am the Time Dude, yes, I was trying to find Amerina and confused Renesmee for Amerina and accidentally sent Renesmee fifteen years into the future." He explained.

five minuets later....

Edward, Jasper, Carlisle, Emmett, and Jacob were holding back Bella.

"I said let me explain!" The Time Dude said, hiding behind Seth, Leah, and Poke.

"YOU DID WHAT!?" Bella roared.

"It was an ACCIDENT! I can get her back but I need your help!" The Time Dude winced.

"How." Bella growled.

"OK, I need her closest relationship, and that would be?" He asked.

"Uh, either Bella or Jacob." Edward said.

"No, wait, it's....Poke?" The Time Dude said. Everyone turned to Poke who was reading the magazine upside down.

"Huh?" He asked.

"What? How is he her closest relationship!?" Jacob growled.

"Hey no fair, I knew Poke first." Amerina pouted.

"What do I have to do?" Poke asked.

"I need you to go into the future wearing this rope and when you find Renesmee tug on it and you'll be sent back here." He said.

"This would be so much easier if you used my Time Turner." Hermione held up her Time Turner.

"Shut up Hermione." Harry said.

"Don't kill me!" She jumped behind the sofa. The Time Dude tied the rope around Poke.

"Oh god, Renesmee is doomed." Rosalie sighed.

"God Speed!" Voldemort said.

"Okee-Dokee!" Poke saluted them and disappeared.

--The Futah!--

"How did this happen?" Renesmee was trying not to cry.

"Everyone was killed, Rosalie, Bella, Edward, Emmett, Carlisle, Esme, everyone." He bowed his head.

"Why?" Rensmee blinked back tears.

"The Volturi. They found out Poke knew about them and came to see if it were true, the Cullen's refused to turn him, and Caius attacked Poke because Poke called him a "gay puppy-boiler bagel-boner, Poke was killed and then a war erupted between the Cullen's and the Volturi. The Pack, both mine and Sam's, intervened and many were lost on both sides. Leah and Seth were killed after killing Marcus..it was..terrible, word's can't describe it." He said in a hushed whisper.

Renesmee just looked at him in shocked silence.

"Then, the Cullen's allies from Denali and other places came to held the remaining Cullen's, come covens sided with the Volturi though. I managed to escape, Bella ordered me to look after you, you fell into a coma but continued to grow, but now your awake." He smiled.

"Uh, are you high?" Renesmee asked.

"No." Jacob said.

The door to the house they were in was thrown open and Poke jumped in.

"NESSIE! And future Jacob! Wow, time has been good to you." Poke observed. Jacob's jaw dropped.

"Time?" Renesmee asked.

"Renesmee! When did you get boo-"

"What is this about Time?" Renesmee yelled.

"The Time Dude. Whoever that is, he sent me here to get you because he accidentally sent you here." Poke explained.

"For the love of god, do not call Caius a gay puppy-boiler bagel-boiler!" Jacob shook Poke.

"I wasn't going to." Poke said.

"So, how do we get back?" Renesmee asked.

"Uh, this rope!" Poke reached down to show her, but the rope was gone. "Oh no." Poke said.

"What?" Renesmee asked.

"I lost the rope." Poke said. "I'll go look for it." Poke turned to leave.

"No! You can't! The Volturi will know!" Jacob said.

"How?" Poke asked.

"Voldemort, he teamed up with them and did this magic spell that would alert them when we enter outside." Jacob explained.

"But, how do you think I got here?" Poke pointed to the door.

"Oh no." Jacob said.

"You, I thought Caius killed you." A voice said and Aro drifted into the home, followed by Ron and Demetri.

"What the FUDGE!? RON!?" Renesmee said.

"Yes, I am...EVIL!" He cackled and Demetri smacked him.

"PROPANE BITCH!" Poke ran at Aro with a propane tank, hit him upside his head, grabbed the rope, then Renesmee's hand and tugged on the rope.

--Normal--

Bella was biting her nails nervously. Poke and Renesmee appeared.

"Ta-da!" Poke said triumphantly.

"Nessie!" Jacob hugged her and so did Bella.

"What's the future like?" Edward asked.

"Ron is gay." Renesmee said.

"And Renesmee has HUGE BOO-

* * *

LMAO!

xD

review


	27. Return of the Grammar Nazi's

thanks for the ONE review...

anyway I fell asleep so now I'm updating,

and i can't think of anything so I'll recycle some old material.

xD read Dx

* * *

Poke was drinking tea with Harry.

He pulled out some ice cubes and dropped them in the Tea.

"Much better." He nodded and started to drink.

"Ew! You put ICE in your TEA!?" Harry gawked.

"You don't?" Poke asked.

"Take that getup off, it's offensive!" Harry pointed to Poke's outfit.

He had on an all black suite and a monocle, with a top hat and a pipe.

"What? I wanted to fit the part." Poke said.

"So? I don't dress like that." Harry frowned.

"'Ello gov-na'!" Poke said and bubbles shot out of his pipe.

"What?" Harry said.

"Fish and chips, pip pip cheerio!" Poke said.

"..." Harry stared at him.

"I like the word Kellogg, because it has the word 'ello in it, like in, 'Ello Gov-na'!" Poke said.

"You got that from a Raisin Brand Crunch Commercial." Harry said and still stared at him.

"What are fish and chips anyway?" Poke asked randomly.

"WE HAVE RETURNED!" A voice shouted. They turned to see a giant tank with a speech bubble painted on it slowly inching toward them.

"MOM!?" Emmett threw the door open thinking it was his mom.

"No! It's the...GRAMMAR NAZI'S!" Harry said.

One of them, Red (because he had red hair) jumped out.

"We have come back to exact revenge!" Red said.

"I'll go get Amerina." Poke said.

"No! Your incorrect Grammar wont hurt us! Our Grammar-Tank will protect us!" Red said.

"Is that Tank from the Park?" Ron asked.

Red jumped back into the Tank and aimed it at Emmett and fired. A giant letter G for Grammar shot out and hit him. It bounced to the ground and landed a few feet away.

"Ow?" He shrugged.

"We need more power!" Red shouted down to Blond.

"Right!" Blond put in another letter but it was bigger and fired.

_"Grammar-Nazi's natural enemies are Hillbilly's, foreigners just learning English, and goats." _Amerina's voice rang in Poke's head from the last time the Grammar Nazi's attacked them.

"They have another Enemy!" Poke said but was ignored because everyone thought he was high.

"_Bubbles!?" _Inner-Poke asked.

"_No! THE WORD 'ELLO!" _Poke thought.

"_Elmo?" _Inner-Poke said.

"Hey, Grammar-Nazi's!" Poke waved his arms, but was ignored again. He sighed.

"Hey yoo Grammar Na-zee's, I ain't need no lesson on how to speak! I talk just fine!" Poke said. Inside Red shuddered.

"Fire at his Incorrect Grammar!" Red ordered.

"Rodger-Dodger!" Blond said and aimed at Poke.

"'ELLO!" Poke bellowed.

"NO!!!! OUR ONE WEAKNESS BESIDES GOATS!!!!!!!!" Brunette yelled and screamed inside.

"Quickly! Run!" Blond begged Red.

"Fine, but we'll be back!" Red said and they left.

"Where's Elmo? Save me from his creepy red-ness!" Renesmee jumped off the roof.

* * *

okee-dokee

review

now

you know you want too


	28. Broom Leg

alright-y then, here is the next chappie

xD read Dx

* * *

Poke walked by the bathroom, paused, and turned to look in. Hermione was shaving her legs.

"Whoa! When was the last time you shaved that forest?!" Poke said and pointed to her gorilla-like legs.

"Shut up! It was a long winter! And my school uniform makes me wear gigantic socks, since I'm no longer in school, I have to shave, now, how do you use this?" Hermione asked.

"Ask Rosalie." Poke said.

five minuets later....

"Gee, I don't know, I don't have to shave." Rosalie said.

"Use this Samurai Sword!" Renesmee said. "You'll get a closer shave." She said.

"Uh, OK?" Hermione said and accidentally cut her leg off.

"Mwahaha!" Renesmee cackled.

"My leg!" Hermione screamed then fainted from blood loss.

-------

"Hermione? Are you awake?" Carlisle asked. Hermione woke up.

"I think so." Hermione yawned.

"Well, we couldn't reattach your leg, so I attached a broom instead." Carlisle said. Were Hermione's right leg should be was a broom.

"What?! Your a DOCTOR! You should know how to do things like that!" Hermione howled.

"Well, little miss PMS, Boxie ate your leg." Carlisle said firmly.

"The dog?" Hermione asked.

"Yes. Renesmee took it after you blacked out and attacked Ron with it, then Bowie grabbed it and ate it while everyone laughed and watched." Carlisle sniffed.

"He..ate..my leg?" Hermione gawked.

"Yes." Carlisle said.

------

Poke and Renesmee were watching Blues Clues while Boxie was asleep.

"You know, when I was your age, we solved Blues Clues with Steve, not Joe." Poke said to Renesmee.

"I'm confused, the pink dog is a boy, and the blue dog is girl?" Renesmee frowned.

"Give me my leg!" Hermione came running down the stairs with her broom leg, and she was still bald. Renesmee bit her lower lip and her face turned red.

"What's wrong with her?" Hermione asked.

"I think she's trying not to laugh." Poke observed.

"BWAHAHAHA!!!!!!" Renesmee held her sides from laughing so hard.

"ARGH!!" Hermione tackled Boxie.

------

"Jesus 'effing Christ." Carlisle said.

Hermione opened her eyes.

"Whoa, what happened?" Hermione asked.

"Well, we found your leg, turned out Boxie buried it in the back yard, but-" Carlisle said and stopped talking.

"But?" Hermione asked.

"You could have had a V-8!" Carlisle said and smacked her forehead.

* * *

yes she could have

review?


	29. Grocery Store

sry i haven updated in a while, i had writers block and i was lazy xD

i just saw Monsters vs. Aliens and my favorite was Insectosaurs!!! he/she was awesome xD except when he turned into a butterfly, i did not like that lol

so anyway read and review :D

* * *

"Oh no! We're out of food!" Bella observed in the fridge.

"So? Like we eat it." Emmett said.

"We need to keep up the human charade, so, we're going to the...GROCERY STORE!!!" Bella announced.

------------

"Your telling me, if I buy three of these cereal boxes, then I'll get the fourth one half off?!" Poke said to a worker.

"Yes." The worker said.

"Awesome!" Poke grabbed four cereal boxes.

"Mom, can we get that? No this! No, no, this!" Renesmee was randomly grabbing things from the shelves.

"Did you know that 45% of kidnappings occur at the grocery store?" Amerina said to Harry.

"No." Harry said.

"Excuse me-" A man walked up to the two.

"Stranger danger!" Amerina yelled and ran off.

"Cookies!" Ron pressed his face up to the glass of the cookie counter.

"Cookiessssss!" Voldemort did the same and hissed like a snake.

Emmett was standing still in front of a giant cardboard cutout of Smokey the Bear. In his head, biblical music was playing.

"Imma get you good next time!" Smokey said to him. Emmett twitched his hand.

"Not again...no...not..NOT AGAIN!!!" Emmett tackled the card board cut out and started to wrestle it.

Bella was selecting a lunchable for Renesmee. Lauren and Jessica were standing at the end of the isle, eying Bella.

"That can't be her! She's too pretty!" Jessica hissed to Lauren.

"Um, excuse me, are, are you Bella Swan?" Lauren asked.

"Yes, what are you two doing here?" Bella asked.

"We could ask you the same thing." Lauren snorted.

"We came home for the weekend from collage, word around town is that you didn't even go." Jessica smirked.

"No. I've been enjoying my time with Edward." Bella shot back.

"Mommy, I want this!" Renesmee held up a box of pop tarts.

"Ha! I knew it! You were knocked up!" Lauren laughed.

"What's up with the ugly bitch?" Renesmee asked and Lauren's jaw dropped and her eyes popped.

"Mom, Ronald stole some cookies." Voldemort said.

"I did not! You dared me to!" Ron said. Jessica narrowed her eyes.

"Hey, Bella, Emmett's fighting the cardboard cut out of Smokey the Bear near the meats, and I think Harry was kidnapped." Amerina announced. Lauren raised her eyebrows.

"You always were weird." Lauren snorted.

"And you were always a stuck-up, superficial, selfish, PMSing, BITCH!" Renesmee said.

"Renesmee!" Bella said while Amerina was laughing her ass off.

"What? No one picks on my mommy!" Renesmee inflated her chest.

"Ma'am, is he with you?" A Security Guard asked Bella. They had Emmett handcuffed .

"Bella, don't tell Rosalie, I promised her I'd stop attacking Bear's." Emmett said.

"You never attacked Mr. BananaMan or Ralph." Bella said.

"They're Bears?! I thought they were very large wolves like Leah or Seth!" Emmett said.

"Sir, what's that in your pocket?" One guard asked Ron.

"Uh, nothing." Ron said and his pants ripped open and the cookies spilled out. Ron turned to them slowly and smiled.

Poke was walking down an isle with his cereal.

"Poke?" A voice asked. Poke dropped his cereal.

"Kevin!" Poke said. The guy, Kevin, gawked at him.

"Whoa Poke, when was the last time we saw each other?" Kevin asked.

"Since you burned my apartment down." Poke pointed out.

"Oh yeah!" Kevin said.

--------

_Both Kevin and Poke sat on a couch, high from weed. They were on the 21st floor of an apartment building._

_"Dude, why is it so hot in here?" Poke asked._

_"I just put a turkey in the oven, dude." Kevin said._

_"Dude, I don't have an oven!" Poke said._

_"Oh shit, dude! FIRE!" Kevin yelled and jumped up, then ran down the stairs._

_"AHHH!" Poke jumped out the window._

_---------_

"So where are you living now?" Kevin asked.

"In a giant house outside of this town, you?" Poke asked.

"In a cul-de-sac with a bunch of dorks." Kevin said.

"Cool, cool." Poke nodded.

"Can I move in with you?" Kevin asked.

"Naw. You burned my apartment down." Poke said and walked away.

----------

"I think that went well." Amerina said driving Bella's car.

"We didn't get any groceries." Bella said in the passenger seat.

"Well, that's because security threw us out for stealing, fighting, and when Renesmee attacked Lauren. By the way, you doing OK up there Nessie?" Amerina knocked the roof of the car.

"Yah!" Renesmee said, she was tired down to the top of the car, face up, and was juiced up with drugs to make her numb.

"Ha, and you said drugs are bad." Poke said smugly.

"At least they let us keep the cookies." Voldemort said, snaking on the cookies.

"I didn't put those outside my underwear." Ron said and Voldemort spat them out.

"Has anyone seen Harry?" Poke asked.

* * *

they made grocery shopping fun xD

review plz


	30. Here's Johnny!

sry sry sry i have not updated in forever and thanks fro being patient with my lazy ass :D

today is veterans day, so, imma make fun of it :D

remember johnny from when dumbeldore went to the nursing home? u better...

* * *

_"This big dog will fight , When you rattle his cage , And you'll be sorry that you messed with The U.S. of A. , 'Cause we'll put a boot in your ass It's the American way." _Emmett was playing a country song very loudly.

"That is a violent song." Poke commented down stairs.

"It sounds painful." Renesmee agreed.

"Ew, my ears hurt! Turn of that crappy song!" Rosalie yelled up.

"NEVER! COMMUNIST!!!" Emmett yelled upstairs faintly. There was a faint knock at the door.

"Hello?" Esme answered the door.

"Uh, is this your kid? I found him naked in a shopping cart, man." Johnny said and pointed to Harry.

"Harry! What happened to you?" Ron ran up to him.

"Unspeakable things." Harry said slowly and fell down, then fell asleep.

"Johnny, what are you doing here?" Dumbeldore walked over.

"They let me go! It's Veteran's day, and since I was in 'Nam, man." He said and wheeled himself in on his wheelchair since he lost one of his legs.

"Whoa! I thought you were my dad! He's in a wheelchair too." Jacob said, he came out of the bathroom.

"Jacob, were you drinking out of the toilet bowl again?" Renesmee narrowed her eyes.

"Maybe." Jacob blinked.

"Bad Jacob!" Renesmee hit him on his nose with a rolled up newspaper.

"Helga said you were just in the Coast Guard and you lost your leg in a fishing accident." Dumbeldore said.

"No, man! I was! I got shot in my butt and won a ping-pong tournament, man!" Johnny said.

"That was Forest Gump." Dumbeldore said.

"I'M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN! 'CAUSE AT LEAST I KNOW I'M FREE!!!!!!" Emmett was singing along to another song upstairs.

"Uh, I hate country! It's so un-rich!" Malfoy said.

"It's better than what he did last year on fourth of July." Hermione said.

------last year on 4th of July------

_"Because, to be all-American, YOU MUST HAVE BLOND HAIR AND BLUE EYES!" Emmett said._

_"Now now Emmett, now your going all Hitler on me." Bella stood up from a chair._

_"Communist!" Emmett slapped her._

_"Hey!" Bella jumped back._

_"Hitler is America's natural enemy!" Emmett said._

_"Because he killed many Jews, Gypsies, Homosexuals, and Retards?" Renesmee asked._

_"That too." Emmett said._

_----_

_"THAT'S RIGHT LONDON! WE KICKED YOUR ASS AND WE'LL KICK IT AGAIN!" Emmett was shouting._

_"Emmett, that was over 200 years ago." Harry said._

_"Communist!" Emmett slapped him._

_----_

_"Micheal Jackson was a genius!" Edward declared._

_"No, he was a little boy toucher!" Emmett said._

_"No he was a genius!" Edward said._

_"Communist!" Emmett slapped Edward._

_"Stop doing that!" Edward said. Emmett tackled Edward then and they got in a fight._

_"Hey hey hey!" Jasper grabbed them and shoved them away from each other._

_"What?" Emmett and Edward said at the same time._

_"We can all agree that Micheal Jackson had a nose job." Jasper said._

_"Yeah." Emmett and Edward agreed. Jasper put them down._

_"Now, if you excuse me, FREEDOM SCOOTER!" Emmett shouted. A red, white, and blue scooter zoomed over to him. "Good day to you!" He said, hopped on and drove off._

_Carlisle appeared all beat up._

_"I just got scooter jacked." He said then fell down._

_--------_back to story--------

_"_Didn't Hagrid blow up Wal-Mart too?" Hermione said.

"Yeah, I don't know what that is." Ron said.

"So, Johnny, if you were in Vietnam, do you have a dog tag?" Dumbeldore asked.

"Yeah!" Johnny pulled out Dog Tags.

"These have pictures of bunnies on them." Dumbeldore said.

"Oh, those are the wrong Dog Tags, I must have left my real ones at the home." He said.

"Right." Dumbeldore rolled his eyes.

"I FOUND MY SCOOTER!" Carlisle ran in with his old scooter.

"And I still haven't found ANY hot slaves!" Thomas Jefferson (aka T-Jeff) said.

* * *

comment :D

or

review :D


	31. Poke Jr

okey-dokey, today is friday and since i have nothing to do, i am updating :D

i've been busy lately b/c my french class is raising money to go to france during spring break, i wonder if they have girls gone wild there?

* * *

"Look what I found!" Poke walked in with a bunch of kids.

"Poke? Where did you find them!?" Edward asked.

"The Park!" Poke said.

"Forks has a park?" Bella asked in the back round.

"I smell...CHILDREN!!" Rosalie ran over and picked one up.

"Rosalie?" Edward asked, then Rosalie hissed at him, her left eye twitching. "Okay..." He backed away.

"Where is the chocolate?" A boy asked.

"I said I had tons of chocolate." Poke said.

"Poke, did you kidnap these kids?" Bella asked.

"No." Poke said and nodded yes.

----five minuets later...------

"This shit is not funny." Emmett was reading a book of the Top 100 funniest jokes from China.

"I like Russian jokes better, they usually end in 'I must break you', right Viktor Crumbly-cake?" Harry said.

"I must break you." Viktor said.

"Ha-ha." Harry said.

"YOU SMOKE POT?!" Ron ran down the stairs to Harry.

"Where?!" Poke yelled in the background.

"Well, I just buried the last body." Edward came in. Bella's jaw dropped.

"You buried the kids?" She gasped.

"Ask Rosalie." Edward said and walked away.

"Children...children...children." She was rocking back in forth in a corner with her hands wrapped around her knees.

"Let's go shoot up Fort Hood!" Renesmee said to Amerina.

"Fudge yeah!" Amerina said and they left.

"Did they just leave to commit a terrorist attack?" Emmett asked.

"McDonald's!" Harry said.

"Poke, if you want to be a father, take care of this egg." Edward handed Poke a raw egg.

"What does this have to do with a person?" Poke asked and shook the egg.

"Because, if you can't take care of an Egg, then you can't take care of a baby." Edward said.

"Poke Jr.! That shall be your name! Your going to grow up and eat Doritos!" Poke announced, he drew a crude face on the egg, and left.

-----With Renesmee and Amerina-----

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!" Renesmee was spinning around and shooting in the air.

"Captain! I can't do it captain!" Amerina said, lying on the ground.

"Quickly!" Renesmee picked up a person and chucked them into the air. She picked Amerina up and ran off in slow motion as bullet's flew past her.

"The Army is gay! Marines are better!" Amerina yelled at the soldiers.

"CANADA BITCH!" Renesmee threw a hockey stick at a guard and they escaped.

"What was the purpose of the hockey stick?" Amerina asked.

"I always wanted to throw one." Renesmee said.

-----the next day------

Carlisle walked down the stairs and saw Poke Jr. on the ground. He picked it up and looked at it.

"Huh?" He looked around.

"I'm a Space Ship captain!" Poke crashed a Jeep through the window. He threw the door open and jumped out. "What a night." He said and fell down.

"Poke, you left your son here!" Carlisle said.

"I am a bad father." Poke said and got up.

"Here." Carlisle handed him Poke Jr.

"Should I breast feed him?" Poke asked.

"Uh, no." Carlisle said and walked away.

"We're home!" Renesmee walked in, followed by Amerina.

"Where were you!?" Bella demanded.

"Seesh mom, I'm like, five, cut the umbilical cord." Renesmee said.

"Mmm! Eggs!" Poke said and was munching on eggs.

"POKE!? WHAT THE HELL?!" Edward yelled.

"What? I was hungry!" He said.

"Where is Poke Jr.?" Edward demanded.

"Right there!" Poke pointed to the stair case. Poke Jr. was at the very top with a string tied around him and to the stair case. "He wants to be a sky diver, the little dickens." Poke added. Some how, Poke Jr. dove off of the stair case. Edward ran up to him and caught the egg easily and lopped the string off of him.

"Poke, you need to be more careful with your kid!" Edward said and handed him over to Poke.

"It's an egg." Renesmee said.

* * *

review plz :D


	32. Twitter Mania Part Deux!

holy crap, i haven't updated all weekend???? SORRY!

ive been busy, a bunch of my friends are going to go see new moon and invited me, and they're making me find show times and tickets, and idk how many ppl are coming T_T

yes, anyway...here is the next chapter

* * *

**SmexiePotion** (Snape): Eating apple Juice

**BEAST: **Me too!!!! :O

**SmexiePotion: **Who is this??

**BEAST: **ur mom

**SmexiePotion: **is this Renesmee?

**Nessie95: **I am

**FLYINGSPAGHETTIMONSTER!** i bought a pair of mom jeans and enrolled Poke Jr. in soccor

**BumbleBee: **Poke?

**FLYINGSPAGHETTIMONSTER! **gjnaghasgkjdfiuvysdgysdjgh?

**Nessie95: **?

**I CAN SPARKLE: **guess what

**FLYINGSPAGHETTIMONSTER! **what?????!!!!

**I CAN SPARKLE: **I can sparkle

**FLYINGSPAGHETTIMONSTER! **OMFG!!!!

**VAMPIREDOCTOR: **I'm a doctor

**FLYINGSPAGHETTIMONSTER! **AWESOME!

**Mommy: **hi

**FLYINGSPAGHETTIMONSTER: **No way!!! I killed my mom O_O

**Mommy: **this is Esme

**BEAST: **holly shit!!! u can talk!

**Ginger: **hjgadbgjdghasdhgjdkashguihr

**Nessie95: ?**

**BITCH: **hi

**Nessie95: **Hermione?

**BITCH: **yeah?

**Nessie95 has logged off**

**BumbleBee: **I wonder where she went?

**BITCH: **who cares

**UWISHUWEREASBEAUTIFULASMEH: **bitch

**BITCH: **so anyway, I was reading and hfshgfhfdsafhhfd

**VAMPIREDOCTOR: **what happened to her?

**BITCH: **hagdjsghjdfjusdvcbxvnv

**Nessie95 has logged back on**

**Nessie95: **I'm back

**Ginger: **EW HERMIONE IS DEAD!

**I CAN SPARKLE**: why is your caps on?

**Ginger: **I don't know how to turn it off

**The Boi Who L!v3d: **press the caps button

**Ginger: **MY KEYBOARD DOESN'T HAVE ONE

**BITCH: **hfasdoiufydaghfdgvbh

**BEAST: **Rosalie let's cyber! :D

**UWISHUWEREASBEAUTIFULASMEH: **why don't we just do it in real life?

**BEAST: **ok!

**UWISHUWEREASBEAUTIFULASMEH has logged off**

**BEAST has logged off**

**Ginger: **EW! I CAN HEAR THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**The Boi Who L!v3d: **rofl

**Ginger: **THAT'S NOT A WORD

**PuppyPower!: **nessie let's go fishing!

**Nessie95: **ok!!!

**Nessie95 has logged off**

**PuppyPower! has logged off**

**I CAN SPARKLE has logged off**

**The Boi Who L!v3d has logged off**

**BumbelBee has logged off**

**FLYINGSPAGHETTIMONSTER has logged off**

**Mommy had logged off**

**VAMPIRE DOCTOR has logged off**

**SmexiePotion has logged off**

**BITCH: **fgsfcgafhgfgfadgjfu

* * *

yes, another twitter mania chappie

COMMENTO!


	33. FBI Watch List

yes, i saw new moon. there is my review for it lol

the thanksgiving special will be published Wednesday b/c i have to go to my moms house for thanksgiving ans she, gasp, doesnt have a computer and my phone cant get on this website T_T

* * *

"It's a party in the U.S.A.!" Miley was singing on TV.

"Oh god, my ears are bleeding, turn it off!" Emmett said.

"Your ears can't bleed." Renesmee said switching the TV off.

"Well if they could, gallons of blood would be gushing from my ears. There." Emmett said.

"You guys! Guess what?!" Poke said.

"What?" Alice asked even though she already knew.

"I've got a postcard from my mom from some camp called Camp Funtime!" He said.

"Didn't you kill your mom?" Renesmee asked.

"Yeah, that's why it's so special. Maybe there IS an afterlife!" Poke said.

"You don't believe in an afterlife?" Renesmee asked.

"Nope, the Giant Spaghetti Monster said there is no such thing." Poke said.

"If the Giant Spaghetti Monster told you to jum-"

"Save the joke Renesmee, it isn't funny anymore." Poke said.

"NO!!!!!!!" Mr. BananaMan yelled from outside. Poke, Renesmee, Alice, and Harry walked out.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked.

Mr. BananaMan was watching the Cleveland show.

"There's a Bear on this show!!!! Now I'm just a copy cat!" Mr. BananaMan said.

"Technically you'd be a copy bear." Poke said.

"Shut up and go smoke some meth." Alice said.

"Maybe I will!" Poke said.

"Good!" Alice said, then Poke left to do just that.

"Don't worry Mr. BananaMan, you were here first and the Cleveland Show isn't funny." Renesmee said.

"Yeah, your right. It's not the same without actual funny characters." Mr. BananaMan said.

"Holy crap! Your a bear!" Harry said

**SmexiePotion: **going to use the bathroom

**hottie54: **i'm hot

**SmexiePotion: **ok?

**hottie54: **are you hot?

**SmexiePotion: **sure

**hottie54: **that's hot

"Hey, apparently I'm on the FBI watch list." Poke said to Renesmee.

"What's that?" Renesmee and Ron asked at the same time.

"Well...I can't buy mango's anymore." Poke frowned.

"How and why?" Edward asked from upstairs.

"Well, tell the cashier I'm sorry." Poke hung his head and left.

"MAWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!" Edward was laughing very loudly upstairs.

* * *

not my funniest, but, at least i updated

review please


	34. Thanksgiving Special!

as promised, here is the Thanksgiving Special :D

* * *

**Wednesday, November 25**

"Buy guys! Send us a postcard!" Jacob waved goodbye. Emmett tossed the last suite case into the taxi cab.

"Sure." Harry said.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dumbeldore, and Snape were going back to Hogwarts to check on it.

"Going to go home." Snape tweeted on his small phone.

The taxi driver was flossing using the mirror.

"I'm going to go set up for The Thanksgiving feast tomorrow, Jacob bring Seth and Leah here around 2:00." Alice ordered him and left inside with Esme.

"We go now, I take you to Airport." The taxi man said. The four got into the car and drove off.

"Can we turn on the radio?" Hermione asked.

"Shut up." The Taxi Man said to her.

"Can we listen to the radio?" Harry asked.

"Sure!" He said and turned it on.

-----Later-----

The plane landed in London.

"Get up." Harry nudged Ron.

"AH! How does this thing stay in the sky!?" Ron pried his fingers from the seat. They climbed out of the plane and got their luggage.

They got Hotel reservations and decided to rest before continuing to Hogwarts.

At the Hotel...

Hermione heaved her suite case and placed it on the bed.

"What is int his thing?" She scratched her head, still bald, and clicked open the suite case. It flew open and Poke jumped out.

"OH GOD THAT WAS HORRIBLE!" He yelled as Hermione's close flew in the air and fell down like rain.

"EWWW!" He pulled off a pair of Hermione's granny-panties from his head and threw them to the ground then jumped on his feet.

"POKE!?" Hermione yelled.

"YES!?" Poke yelled back.

"What are you doing?!" Hermione hissed.

"I stowed away! I've never been to London before!" Poke said.

"How could you possibly fit in there-"

"Hello! It's my lucky day!" Ron said in the other room.

"Back off!" Renesmee said and Ron was thrown through the wall.

"Oh great your here-"

"Shut up." Renesmee shot Hermione in the head and she fell to the ground dead.

"I heard fun!" Dumbeldore walked into the room.

"Hi." Poke said, searching through the mini fridge for food.

"Why are you here?" Ron asked, standing up.

"We stowed away!" Poke said.

"Why?" Harry asked as he walked in.

"Do you want to be there for Thanksgiving when Alice plans it?" Renesmee asked.

"Hm, no." Harry said.

"What's Thanksgiving?" Ron asked.

"If Emmett was here and herd you say that, he'd call you a Communist." Poke said.

"Well, I'm going to go buy drugs." Poke said.

"I'll come with!" Renesmee said.

**Thursday, November 26 a.k.a. Thanksgiving**

"I am NOT going to do this!" Jacob said.

"Oh just do it!" Alice said.

"No!" Jacob said.

"Do it or ELSE!" Alice hissed.

"Fine, Me Squanto, you Pilgrim." Jacob read from a piece of paper. "Alice, can I at least use proper English?" Jacob asked.

"Can you see my junk?" Seth asked. He was a wearing a loincloth. Jacob was dressed as Squanto and Seth was dressed as Samoset.

"Why are we even doing this? We're not Patuxet Indians." Leah said.

"Your close enough." Alice said.

"Does this dress make me look fat?" Rosalie asked. She was dressed a women pilgrim.

"Perfect!" Alice said.

"Hey, I wanted to make some changed to your script, instead of wearing the loincloth, can I just go naked?" Paul asked. Sam's pack had agreed to take part on the feast because they wanted to free food.

"What do Vampires eat on Thanksgiving?" Jared asked.

"Jasper and Edward usually just get a bunch of live Turkeys and other big game to eat." Carlisle said, jelling over his hair.

"Carlisle! Pilgrims didn't gel their hair!" Alice hissed.

"We're not Pilgrims." Carlisle said slowly.

"OK everyone! Time to go outside and eat!" Esme announced.

"Yay!" Quil said and raced out side. Sam's Pack was outside and fighting over places to sit.

"Jacob, where is Renesmee?" Bella asked.

"I don't know, I thought you had her." Jacob said.

"Well, I thought you had her, Rosalie?" Bella turned to Rosalie.

"No, I thought she was with you." Rosalie said.

"Has anyone seen Poke? He's supposed to be the guy that cuts the Turkey." Alice said.

"Haven't seen him." Jacob said as they walked outside.

"EW! It's warm!" Embry threw an empty can of coke on the ground. Sam looked down at it, then looked up and a tear slid from his left eye.

"Can we eat? Can we eat? Can we eat? Can we eat? Can we eat?" Paul asked.

"Food! Food! Food! Food! Food! Food! Food!" They started to chant.

"Seriously, can you see my junk!?" Seth asked.

"I'm not going to look at your junk Seth! STOP ASKING!" Jacob said.

"We can't start until Renesmee and Poke are here." Alice said.

"Hey! I found this note in Renesmee's room!" Edward pulled out a piece of paper.

"Dear Douche bag,

Going to London with Harry, Ron, BumbleBee, and Snap-Cake. Poke is coming with. We'll be back later.

Sincerely,

Nessie-Poo

p.s. Jacob I took your toothbrush

p.p.s. Dad, can you T-Vo the new episode of Chelsea Lately for me? Thanks.

p.p.p.s. It come son at 10:00

p.p.p.p.s And the Jeff Dunham special

"Is that it?" Esme asked.

"No, she goes on to ask me to buy her the DVD of Waiting and to save her some Turkey." Edward said.

"We can't make that promise." Quil said.

"Well, let's eat." Bella said.

"Just like that? Your not going to freak out?" Edward asked.

"No, she's with Dumbeldore, I trust him at least." Bella said.

"LET'S EAT! I'M STARVING!!!!!!!!" Paul yelled. Alice pursed her lips.

"Fine." She said.

"YAY!" Embry shoved his head into the bowl of mashed potatoes and started to eat up.

----Back at London----

"Ow, my head." Poke got up. He was naked and chained to a bed. "Hm, not the strangest way I've woken up before." He said and looked around. Three girls, one a dominatrix, were asleep next to him. "Apparently I got lucky." He said.

"They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth, My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing, You cut me open and I ," A crack addict was singing Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis in the corner rolled up in a ball rocking back in forth, "I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love, Keep bleeding."

"You, crack addict, first of all Better in Time is far superior, and release me please!" Poke said.

"The dominatrix ate the key." He said.

"Why?" Poke asked.

"You told her too." He said.

"Ugh, RENESMEE!" Poke yelled.

"Green Beans!" Renesmee threw the couch that was near the wall. She had been asleep under it. "Someone is happy." Renesmee said.

"Stop staring at 'Lil Rodger and break these chains." Poke said.

"What's a 'Lil Rodger?" Renesmee asked.

"My pee-pee." Poke said.

"You named your penis?" Renesmee asked.

"Doesn't everybody?" Poke asked.

"Uh, no." Renesmee said.

"Just free me!" Poke said. Renesmee easily broke the chains. Poke pushed a girl off the bed and jumped off.

"Ow!" She said and rubbed her head.

"Where are my close?" Poke looked around and retrieved his close.

"I thought that London would be cool, but I want to go home." Renesmee said.

"OK, I think one of those girl's might have been a dude." Poke said.

"Wait! Don't go! I love you!" The girl grabbed Poke's leg. The other two got up. The possible tranny burped.

"Sorry babe, but I can't be tied down." Poke said. Renesmee hit the girl with the back of her shot gun and knocked her out.

"OK, let's go." Poke said.

"Wait! Don't go! I love you too!" The Crack addict said.

"Let's get the hell out of here!" Poke said and they ran out.

-----At Hogwarts-----

"So, you made a rule that everyone must wear porn-star fluffy hats?" Dumbeldore asked the Sorting Hat.

"Yes." He said.

"And you tore down the entire castle to look for treasure then rebuilt it?" Dumbeldore asked.

"Yes." The Sorting Hat nodded. They were in Dumbeldore's office.

Below in the Great Hall, Harry and Ron were talking to their friends.

"Then the DEA agent chased after him and they ran him over." Harry was telling them of Poke's exploits.

"Wow, he sounds cool!" Dean said. A flying car crashed through the window. Poke and Renesmee jumped out.

"We want to go home!" Renesmee said.

"We just got here!" Ron said.

"Shut up Ariel." Poke said.

"I want to come too, the Internet doesn't work here and I don't have any bars on my phone." Snape said.

"Me too!" Dumbeldore ran up. "I didn't realize how LAME this place is!" He said.

"Who's in charge now?" McGonagall asked.

"Uh, you." Dumbeldore pointed to Cedric then they left.

-----Back at the Cullen's-----

"Uh, that was delicious." Embry rubbed his stomach. All of the werewolves had big bloated stomachs from cramming food in their mouths.

"For people who don't eat food, you can cook!" Paul said.

"Better than Emily!" Sam said.

"All Emily can cook is shit." Leah said.

"Leah, you promised you would be nice." Seth said.

"Shut up Seth." Leah said.

"Uh, night." Quil fell from his seat and fell asleep on the ground.

"We're back!!!" Poke announced.

"That was quick." Edward said.

"NESSIE!" Bella picked Renesmee up and squished her in a big hug.

"MOVE OVER I HAVE TO TWITTER!!!!" Snape barreled past them and into the house.

"It's going to be a happy Christmas after all." Poke said.

"Poke, Christmas is a month away." Carlisle said.

"I know I can't wait!" Poke said. Sam farted. "I'm going to go get my self checked." Poke said and left.

**Happy Thanksgiving**

**

* * *

**review please

:D


	35. The Movies

okey-dokey, thanks for the reviews :) i went shopping for black friday and had to fight a fat soccer mom for a shirt of invader zim at hot topic xD it was fun becasue there was no way that tub-o could fit into tit, it was a median and she must be a 4x!!! lmao that was one of my lines to her

anyway, here is the next chapter

* * *

"I'm bored." Ron said.

"Let's go to the movies!" Emmett said.

"HELL YEAH!" Renesmee ran out stairs and out the door.

-----at the movies----

Edward, Bella, Emmett, Renesmee, Ron, Harry, Poke, Hermione, and Rosalie were at the movies.

"Gee, what's a movie?" Ron asked.

"Shut up Ron." Poke said.

"I want three boxes of chocolate covered raisins, a large bowl of popcorn with butter and salt, a large soda, a box of twizzlers, some sour patch kids, and a cherry Icee." Renesmee said to the concession stand lady.

"And people wonder why America is fat." Emmett commented.

"Renesmee, I don't think you should that much sugar." Bella said.

"Your just jealous you can't eat it!" Renesmee said.

"Nine tickets to see Ninja Assassin please." Edward said.

"Ninja Assassin!? I thought we were going to see a Christmas Carol." Rosalie said.

"Or Face Punch?" Harry asked.

"Weren't we supposed to decide what to see on our way here?" Poke asked.

"We just did. Ninja Assassin." Edward said, holding up the tickets. They walked over to the theater, and passed by the arcade.

"Wow! Look at all those lights!" Hermione said.

"Who invited her?" Renesmee said in the background.

"Epileptic Seizure Attack!" Poke said and started to have a seizure.

"Poke! NOOO!!!" Emmett and Renesmee said.

"In my pocket!" Poke gasped out of his mouth. Renesmee pulled out a small bag of meth. Poke grabbed it and shoved it in his face. HE jumped back up.

"I'm better now!" He said.

"Poke, what the hell was that?" Rosalie asked.

"When I see allot of flashing lights I have a seizure from all my drug abuse." Poke said.

"Can we go see the movie now?" Edward asked.

"Hey Poke, if you didn't survive, then Emmett or Edward could have turned you into a Vampire!" Renesmee said.

"Aw man! Then I would have been able to sense Virgins!" Poke said as they made their way to the movie.

They sat down for the previews.

**"One man...one woman...one notebook. **

**woman: I love you!**

**man: I wanna see you naked, I mean, I love you too!" **

**The Notebook 2!!!**

**The Gayest movie ever..."**

"Cool!" Rosalie said.

"Dumb." Emmett said.

**"It's the end of the world....but not for this family....**

**EXPLOSION!!! TREES FALLING INTO GROUND!!**

**man: "We're one family!"**

**GIGANTIC AVALANCHE!!!!!!!!**

**BOAT CRASHING INTO THE WHITE HOUSE IRONICALLY CALLED JOHN F. KENNEDY!!!!!**

**2012!!!  
**

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" Poke yelled.

"SSSSHHHH!" Everyone hissed at him.

**Collage Students! SEX! Farts! BOOBIES!!!!!!!!**

**Laughing!**

**HAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**starring Ryan Reynolds!!!!**

**BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Collage Students!!!!**

"Awesome!" Emmett said.

"I know!" Ron added.

"Dumb." Bella rolled her eyes.

**Now for your feature presentation!**

"Finally!" Edward said.

The theater got really dark and everyone was really quiet.

Renesmee was powering through her candy, her eyes were staring to dilate and she was shaking.

The flashing lights from all the killing on the movie was causing Poke to have another seizure. He reached for his drugs, but the fell out and flew into Renesmee's hands. She didn't notice and ate them along with her candy.

"Or crap, some one call two ambulances!" Poke yelled and fell on the ground.

"Why two?" Harry asked.

"WOWWWWEEEE!" Renesmee flew up and started to bounce of the walls.

"Why can't I enjoy a movie?" Edward sighed.

"Get her!" Emmett jumped up to grab her.

"I knew she shouldn't have had sugar!" Bella said.

"She accidentally ate some of my drugs!" Poke gasped.

"WHAT!? My baby girl won't become a druggie!" Bella said and chased after Renesmee.

The group spilled out of the theature trying to grab Renesmee. By now the ambulance was here and they loaded Poke up into it and drove off with Renesmee running after it because it looked like a giant cherry.

--------at the hospital--------

"Poke's okay, and so is Renesmee, but she'll have a huge migraine when she wakes up." Carlisle told Bella and the rest of the group.

"We should have watched Face Punch." Emmett said.

* * *

review please :D

and yes, face punch was the fake video from the movie new moon they went to go see


	36. Doll Rapist

sorry for not updating, my finals are coming up soon so i wont be able to update b/c i just have to study .

we watched a video in my geography and economics class called Hotel Rwanda, it is sad, i cried...several times

so...read...review...LOVE IT!

* * *

"Hey Ken, I'm leaving you for G.I. Joe." Barbie said to Ken. Renesmee and Jacob were playing Barbie's. Jacob was Ken and Renesmee was Barbie.

"But Barbie, I thought you said you were pregnant!" Jacob as Ken said.

"I never said that." Renesmee said.

"Oh you didn't?" Jacob asked.

"Anyway, Joe!" Renesmee called. Emmett as G.I. Joe walked in.

"Knowing is half the battle!" He said.

"Here are the divorce papers." Barbie said.

"Why?" Ken asked.

"I saw you cheating on me with a prostitute!" Barbie said.

"Uh, you have no proof." Ken said. Behind Ken was a naked Bratz doll.

"Come here!" Emmett used the G.I. Joe doll and tackled Barbie and started to slam the doll on top of Barbie.

"Emmett, why are you raping the doll?" Renesmee asked.

"I don't know." He said after he paused.

"Hey Hermione! Look at the Barbie doll and develop self esteem issues and and eating disorder because your not as skinny as the doll and don't have blond hair and blue eyes!" Renesmee called to Hermione who was reading her Quantum Physics book.

"I'll deal with that insult later, but I have decided to become an atheist!" She said.

"WHAT!!!!????" Some one yelled upstairs. The ceiling crashed and Carlisle at his desk landed on the ground. "YOUR AN ATHEIST!?" He yelled.

"Yes, after reading this book I have decided that god isn't real." Hermione said.

"Darwin's theory of evolution isn't even in that book." Carlisle said.

"Shut up." Hermione said. Renesmee shot Hermione then because she decided that Hermione had enough lines in this chapter already.

"And she's still ugly." Renesmee said.

"Yeah! TAKE IT!" Emmett was still raping Barbie with G.I. Joe.

* * *

sorry for the short chapter, next one will be longer, promise :)

so...review...now


	37. I believe I'm a Chicken!

yay everyone! it's FWIDAI!!!!!

lol

i owe it to you guys to update, so here is the delicious, juicy, whopper sized, bacon filled chapter :)

* * *

"I've never told a lie!" A mechanical machine that looked like George Washington said.

"LIAR!" Renesmee said and tackled it.

The gang was at the museum in a nearby city.

"Hey Carlisle! Check out this cool tanning bed!" Emmett was lying down in a iron tube.

"Emmett, that's and old fashioned Iron Lung." Carlisle said.

"So I'm not getting future skin cancer?" Emmett frowned.

"No, your desecrating a piece of history." Carlisle said.

"Is that a truck?" Ron pointed to a toaster put on display.

"No, that's a toaster." Harry said.

"What's a toaster?" Ron asked.

"Wow! I love going to the museum! So much history! It's riveting!" Hermione said, looking around in awe.

"You would." Renemsee said, the head of George Washington under her arm.

Poke was in the dinosaur exhibit with large bones of a T-Rex assembled to look like a T-Rex roaring at him.

"Hey security guy, if I gave you 20 bucks and I asked why did the dinosaurs die out, can you say it's because I touch myself at night?" Poke asked, holding up a 20 dollar bill.

"Okay!" The Security Guard took it. "You touch yourself at night." He said and walked off.

"See, clearly proof that evolution is right, and that creationism is wrong!" Hermione said, gesturing to the T-Rex. She had her hair back and it was a straight brown.

"That wig isn't fooling anyone." Harry said.

"Giddie up! Ya!" Poke was on the back of the T-Rex riding it like a horse.

"Your right Hermione, your descend from a gorilla, and the rest of us were made by god." Renesmee said.

"What!?" Hermione said.

"It's true." A voice boomed. Everyone looked around confused.

"OMG! Daniel Radcliffe!" A girl ran up to Harry. "Can I get your autograph?" She asked, holding out a notepad.

"Yeah, it's not weird that you carry around a notepad." Harry said, backing away.

"This is Harry Potter! The boy who lived!" Ron said.

"Like, duh, he plays Harry Potter in the movies." The fan girl said and popped her gum.

"I'm in a movie?" Harry said in amazement. Right when he said that, the T-Rex bones crumbled to the ground in a heaping mess.

"Oops." Poke said.

"Uh, Carlisle, we have an emergency." Harry said to Carlisle who was trying to squeeze Emmett out of the iron lung.

"Emmett you push I pull!" Carlisle said.

"I am, but a baby isn't coming out!" Emmett said.

"Not that!" Carlisle snapped.

"We may have destroyed a T-Rex display." Poke said.

"We? You mean, you destroyed a T-Rex display!?" Hermione said outraged.

"Shut up Hermy." Poke said.

Carlisle tugged hard on Emmett, and in the result, destroyed the iron lung.

"Oops." Emmett said.

"HEY! There they are!" A security guard yelled.

"Oh my Giant Spaghetti Monster! It's Ben Stiller!" Poke yelled and pointed at the security guard.

"Why does everyone always say that!?" The security guard whined.

"HAROLD!" Renesmee yelled.

Harold the Dragon crashed through the wall, destroying more displays in the process.

The toaster lay destroyed on the ground.

"WHY!!!???? Not the truck!" Ron cried, shaking his fist at the sky.

"Let's go!" Poke grabbed Ron and threw him on top of the Dragon and the gang flew off.

"YOU FORGOT ME!!!!" Hermione yelled.

----------------

The rest of the gang was back at the house.

"Did we forget someone?" Carlisle looked around.

"Naw." Renesmee said while watching TV.

* * *

please review and go read a salad chapter you fatty!

lol, jk

but rly, review


	38. Trapped in the Wall

i know i haven't updated in a few days since Friday...i was busy studying for the finals which are next week, I'm being a good student :)

so read, review

1

2

3

NOW!!!!

* * *

Renesmee was tossing and turning in her bed. She sat up. It was the middle of the night.

"Mom! Dad! I'm thirsty!" Renesmee yelled. There was no response. "Ugh, horny vampires..." She muttered and got up, then walked to the kitchen and got a glass of water then walked back to he room, took a drink and placed it on her night stand and crawled back into bed.

"You know in China you'd be the only kid in your family because there are to many people in the country and the ratio between men to women is 100 to 1. So it's a sausage fest." A voice whispered in her ear.

"Hey...I don't care." Renesmee said and rolled over. Her eyes flew open. She grabbed the lamp and swung.

"OW!" A voice yelled.

"Ron?!" Renesmee turned the lamp on.

"Hi." He said.

"Why are you here?" Renesmee asked.

"I was spying on your parents doing it but they caught me and kicked me out." Ron frowned.

"Get out of my room." Renesmee pointed to the door.

"But Jacob is here!" Ron said.

"Where!?" Renesmee asked. There was a thump in the closet. Renesmee narrowed her eyes and opened the door.

"Hiya!" Jacob was upside down on the floor of he closet.

"Who else is here?" Renesmee tapped her foot. Her bed flew up and Voldemort crawled out and put the bed back in place.

"Hi." He said.

"Is that all?" Renesmee asked. The bottom dresser drawer opened up in her dresser and Harry came out. "What? No Poke?" Renesmee rasied her eye brows.

"I'm over here." A faint voice said.

"Where?" Voldemort looked around.

"I'm in a dark place and it's really small, and I'm scared, there are a few spiders." Poke's voice said.

"Are you in Jacob's head?" Ron asked.

"Shut up, your a Ron." Jacob said.

"Quick everyone, let's find Poke, Poke, can you hit something?" Renesmee asked.

"No. I can't move." Poke said.

"I think he's in the wall." Voldemort said, his ear against the wall.

"Poke, are you in the wall?" Harry asked.

"I think so. I can here Edward and Bella getting freaky next door." Poke said.

"Don't worry we'll find you!" Jacob said.

"What does it sound like?" Ron asked.

"Like a cow and a dinosaur roaring at the same time." Poke said.

"There is only one way to find him!" Voldemort pulled out a hammer and bashed it against the wall. A huge wall was created and into Bella and Edward's room.

"Huh." Voldemort tilted his head to the side. Ron's jaw dropped. Jacob covered Renesmee's eyes.

"Hey! What was that noise?" Poke yelled.

"Did that sound close to you Poke or far away?" Renesmee asked.

"Close, maybe a few feet away." Poke said.

"Can you rephrase that in metric Poke, some of us don't use Standard measurement." Harry said.

"Uh..it was a few thousand kilo-grammatical-liters-per-hour?" Poke asked.

"Poke, that's not even a measurement." Harry said.

"Can I use a calculator for that question?" Poke called.

"Hey! I think I found you!" Ron grabbed Voldemort's hammer and smashed into the wall. A skeleton with an Indian headdress on it fell out.

"AHHHH!!!" Ron yelled and ran out of the room with it clinging to him.

"So that's where I put it." Renesmee said.

"Murderer!" Jacob said and ran out crying.

"TANYA" Edward yelled.

"Tanya!?" Bella asked.

"Uh, I can explain." Edward said.

"No you can't, cheater!" Bella yelled and ran off through Renesmee's room.

"Wait!" Edward ran after her.

"You don't see that everyday." Harry said.

"No, you don't." Voldemort said, right behind Harry.

"Do you have a boner!?" Harry jumped.

"Ssh, just...let it...wait." Voldemort said.

"Is it my birthday?" Ron yelled out side. Edward threw him through the wall and landed next to Renesmee back in her room.

"Did I just see Edward's junk?" Jacob walked back inside.

"I think I'm suffocating." Poke called, his voice fainter.

"WE MUST SAVE POKE!" Voldemort bashed down the wall facing Bella and Edward's room but no Poke.

"Poke, where are you?" Renesmee asked.

"Hold on! I have some drugs with me!" Poke said. There was a snorting noise. "Ahhhhh, fuck yeah!" Poke yelled. There was a banging noise and the floor ripped open and Poke jumped up covered in dust.

"You were in the FLOOR?!" Renesmee gawked.

"Huh, I thought I was vertical." Poke scratched his head.

"I know two vampires that are doing the Horizontal-Happy-Dance right now." Ron said, peaking out the door.

"Ron! Stop watching my parents have sex!" Renesmee snapped.

* * *

I want to be in a wall lol that would be so cool xD

review please


	39. Return of the Grammar Nazi's Part Tres!

yayayayayay! i so excited!!! xD

I got out of my grammar and english final because...gasp...I have a's in those classes :P i'd post my progress report online cause I'm so happy about it, but my math grade is pathetic xD

i got another flame today :D i love them, they make me laugh :3

so there is going to be another grammar-nazi chapter :DDDD

* * *

Poke was reading the newspaper.

"Hm, that's more great." He said.

BAM! The Grammar-Nazi's ran in.

"WE HAVE RETURNED!" Red shouted.

"Again?" Poke said.

"So I was like, no way, then-"

"HEY! Don't begin a sentence with SO!!!! ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED!? JUMP OFF A CLIFF I HATE YOU SOOOO MUCH!" Brunette shouted at Rosalie as she walked into the room gossiping to Esme.

"Excuse me? Who do you think you are!?" Rosalie demanded.

"The," a drum roll sounded in the back round, "GRAMMAR NAZI'S!" Blond announced.

"Amerina! Put on your hic-outfit!" Poke yelled.

"Why are you guy's so uptight about Grammar? Can't you except that languages can change? And that the way people talk in everyday life doesn't have to be so formal? That they talk improper because that's just the way they are? That they can talk formally when they can? And that they are actually smart, but your just so uptight and self-centered that you want to drag them down? How can you be such...such...such a dick?" Renesmee ranted.

"I like your speeches. They move me." Poke said.

"I'm sorry, we didn't pay attention, you used incorrect Grammar, and we tune people out who do that." Blond said.

"I'm here. Oh it's them. Hold on!" Amerina arrived and tromped upstairs to get her costume.

"Do you know what it is time for? The GRAMMAR-HOLOCAUST! KILL ALL WHO USE INCORRECT GRAMMAR!" Red announced.

"I GET SUCH A BONER OVER GRAMMAR!" Brunette yelled.

The Grammar-Nazi's grabbed Poke, Renesmee, Rosalie, and Esme.

"Yay! I'm in this chapter!" Esme said.

"Hello, would you like to touch my wand?" Voldemort said upstairs. He was dragged back down to the living room.

"Time for Twitter!" Snape sat down on the computer and started to type. Brunette threw open the door and grabbed Snape, not before reading his entry.

It read like this:

**Omg ppl! todai was so funn!!!**

**I wnet to da store and got sum new shewz!! lol!**

**ttyl!!!**

"AHHH! IT BURNS, SO MUCH INCORRECT GRAMMAR!" Brunette hissed and grabbed his head, then ran to the window and jumped out.

"Okay everyone, you will wear this fucking-retarded person patch at all times so everyone knows that you are fucking retarded." Red said and passed them around.

"Where is everyone else?" Rosalie asked.

"They all went out for some ice cream." Esme said.

"Aw, I wanted some." Renesmee frowned.

"I'm here! I couldn't find my hic-outfit so I took Emmett's deer trophy-head-thingy." Amerina came down the steps and had a hunting trophy on her head.

"You think that will stop us?" Blond said smugly and Brunette walked back into the house covered in dirt and glass.

"What happened to you?" Red asked.

"I fell." He said.

"Uh, hey dawg, you betta step of cuz, or Imma put a cap in yo ass." Amerina said.

Red shuttered.

"Um, hey y'all, let's take a step down to the riva and catch us sum fish!" Amerina said in a southern accent.

Blond shuttered.

"Me love you long time." She said.

Brunette shuttered.

"If. I-f-e, if." She smiled under the mask.

All three shuttered.

"Let's get the HELL OUT OF HERE!" Red yelled and they scrambled out of the house. A few minuets later Emmet, Jasper, Edward, Carlisle, Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked in.

"Why are you wearing my hunting trophy?" Emmett asked.

"Check out my patch." Poke said to Harry and showed him it.

"That explains everything." Harry said.

* * *

woot! done :3

didn't mean for Renesmee to rant, but my grammar teacher said that and I thought that would be a nice bit to put in ;)

review plz


	40. Outer Space Trip with Captain Crunch

i had a semi-ok weekend, how about you guys?

yaryaryaryar,

time's to's update's

* * *

Snow fell peacefully outside. Renesmee was the only Cullen asleep, Jacob was curled up in wolf form on the ground, Poke was no where to be seen, Ron, Hermione, and Harry were catching up on their wizard lessons from Dumbeldore, Snape was twittering away, and Carlisle was getting ready to go to work.

"Where are you going?" Emmett asked.

"Work. I'm the only one here with an actual job around here." Carlisle said putting on his Doctor's gown.

"Whoa, Dr. Feelgood, what's the diagnosis?" Jasper asked from the couch.

"Why does everyone say that?" Carlisle muttered as he left.

"Say hi to Turk and J.D. for me!" Emmett waved to Carlisle as he left.

-----

"So class, what have we learned today?" Dumbeldore asked. They were outside, a blackboard was set up with three desks. Ron leaned over and slid a note on Harry's desk. Dumbeldore swooped down and picked it up. "What have we here? Ronald, would you care to share this with the rest of the class?" Dumbeldore asked. Ron stood up and took the note from him.

"Um, ahem, I think Hermione is hot." He read.

"Well, Ron, everyone is entitled to their opinions, no matter how retarded they are." Dumbeldore said.

"Like people who flame crack fanfics?" Harry asked.

"Exactly!" Dumbeldore beamed.

-----

"I should get a job!" Emmett said.

"As a truck driver?" Jasper asked.

"Move over! True Blood is on!" Rosalie sat down and turned the TV to HBO.

"Yay! Vampire soft core porn!" Emmett said and snuggled close to Rosalie. Jasper rolled his eyes and left.

------

Renesmee got up and yawned.

"Jacob! I thought you said you didn't lick yourself!" Renesmee said to Jacob. He was in wolf form and was cleaning himself.

"I can't help it!" Jacob turned back to a human.

"EW! Put some close on!" Renesmee yelled.

"WHO'S RAPING MY DAUGHTER!?" Edward burst through the wall.

"Eddie! We just fixed that!" Bella yelled.

"You could at least put some close on!" Jacob yelled.

"You could too." Edward gestured.

"Naked wrestling!" Poke said.

"Poke, are you under the floor again?" Renesmee asked.

"..."

"Maybe." Poke said.

* * *

sry for the short midget chapter

couldnt think of anything, but no worries, school is almost over for winter break, so i'll have allot more time to update

review?


	41. Advice form Edwardo

we almost have 300 reviews!!! :O

someone asked a long time ago about what Poke looked like, i never explained what he looked like, i will if everyone else wants me too, so when u review, say whether or not u want to know what poke looks like

and that thing a long time ago about me putting actual ppl in the story if they could guess what Cedric yelled once, i have not forgotten (yes i have) i'll get around to that later....

* * *

"Hey Snape, want to play baseball with me?" Renesmee walked into the computer room with a baseball bat.

"No, I do not trust you with a blunt object, and I'm busy." Snape growled.

"What? Twitter?" Renesmee asked.

"No, I'm flaming crack fanfics." He said.

"Uh, why?" Renesmee asked.

"I have nothing better to do and I'm an egotistical self centered as-"

"I get the picture, your a loser." Renesmee said and left.

----

"Choose 'Lil Kheri!" Emmett yelled to the TV. He was watching a dating show.

"Let's go, we're playing baseball!" Renesmee grabbed him by the ear and dragged him off of the couch.

"But it's not storming." Emmett said.

"Oh...yeah. Let's go see what Poke's doing." Renesmee said and detoured.

"Yes, let's go see what Poke's doing!" Emmett jumped up and the two ran up to Carlisle's Library.

He was reading manga.

"Why can't Japanese cartoon characters ever have normal hair, and normal names. Like Bob. Hello Bob. I like your come over, not your chin braid and giant puffy eyebrows and huge eyes." Poke said to himself.

"Poke, stop reading comics!" Renesmee grabbed the book and threw it out the window.

"My rich-ness!" Malfoy yelled.

"Hello." Poke said.

"Poke, what is your real name?" Emmett demanded.

"What is your real name?" Poke threw back.

"Emmett." He said. Poke gave him a questioning look.

"I think. Nessie, is my name Emmett!? IS IT!?" Emmett grabbed Renesmee and shook her.

"Get a hold of your self man!" Renesmee slapped him. His head snapped back. He shook his head.

"Your right, I am Eric. Every? Emerson? Electrical? Expired? Exasperated?" He asked and wandered away.

"Poke, what the hell?" Renesmee motioned to the mind game he pulled on Emmett.

"I didn't actually think it would work. The box said it worked on idiots only." Poke pulled out a giant cardboard box.

"Why are you two in my library?" Carlisle appeared in the doorway.

"Poke was looking for porn!" Renesmee said and ran by Carlisle and out the door.

"Yeah, where the hell is it? I've been searching for hours!" Poke demanded.

----

"Quick, think of a witty comment to end the chapter!" Rosalie said to Edward.

"Uh, ok." Edward turned and faced ahead.

"Go read a book." He said.

* * *

yes, i agree

review, and remember to tell me whether me want to know what poke looks like or not


	42. OMG Poke!

everyone has agreed, they want to know what poke looks like T_T

drum roll please....

dum dum dum dum dum.....

read and find out! xP

* * *

"Let's make cookies!" Renesmee said to Harry.

"Who will eat them if half of the house is inhabited by vampires?" Harry asked.

"I will!" Ron called.

"We'll make regular cookies, then we'll make blood cookies." Renesmee rolled her eyes as if it were obvious.

They pulled out the cookie dough and started to place them on the pan in neat circles. They placed the uncooked cookies in the oven and set the heat and closed the door.

"Where will we get blood for the blood cookies?" Harry asked.

"Come here Harry." Renesmee advanced upon him with a butcher knife.

"No! No! Noooooo!!!!!" Harry screamed.

"What? I was going to say we steal some form Carlisle's stash." Renesmee said.

"Then why the knife?" Harry asked.

"I do not know." She said and placed it on the counter. They walked upstairs and into Carlisle's office."Where could it be!?" She started to ransack his desk.

Harry walked along the bookshelf. He grabbed one book that looked interesting and pulled. The book case turned and Harry was thrown into a hidden room. A light clicked on and rows upon rows of blood in little packets could be seen.

"Uh, I think I found it." He said.

"Where?" Renesmee said behind the bookshelf.

"Stand next to the bookshelf." Harry commanded her.

"OK." She did as she was told. Harry grabbed the book and pulled it back, then jumped out of the way and Renesmee appeared in the room as well.

"Dayuuuuuummmm!" She gawked at the storage of blood. She grabbed as many as her arms could carry and they left.

They walked back down to the kitchen to see the oven on fire.

"AHHH!!!" Renesmee threw the packets of blood and started to run around in circles.

"I guess we took to long." Harry said and just stared at it.

"FIRE!!!!!!!!" Rosalie screamed and all the vampire's panicked.

A fireman threw the front door open and raced to the kitchen. He pulled out a fire extinguisher and easily put the fire out.

"Your covered in white foam." Emmett said to Edward who was a little to close.

"I know, your turned on by it." Edward threw back.

"Who are you?" Bella demanded.

"Does this mean we don't get cookies?" Ron asked in the background.

"I am...Poke!" Poke took of the fireman outfit and under it where his normal close.

"That's it Poke! We have to tell what you look like!" Renesmee yelled and shook him.

"No! That's apart of my mysterious-ness!" He said.

"Drum roll please." Renesmee said. Emmett grabbed a pot and a wooden spoon and started to play it as if it where a drum.

"Poke! You have short light brown hair! You have gray-blue eyes, you are 5' 8", your 156 pounds which isn't skinny but isn't fat!" Renesmee explained.

"Damn Poke, your sexy!" Emmett said.

"I know, it's a curse." Poke tossed his head as if to toss his hair.

"I'm going to go eat something with trans fat." Ron grumbled and walked off.

* * *

omg!!! now u know hat poke looks like T_T

want to know his real name? TOO BAD! that chapter comes later when they go on a road trip xD

review review review review


	43. DEA Agent's Revenge

omg i'm updating! sry it took me forever, i was busy

i found out what i got for Christmas xD i dont know why my dad still hides our gifts, no one at our house believes in santa

so read!

* * *

"Ooh, are you under 21 and want to have some fun?" Poke read a pop up add. He managed to kick Snape off the computer after hitting him over the head with a bat.

He clicked yes on the pop up ad.

"THIS IS THE POLICE!" A voice boomed downstairs and kicked down the door.

"Aah!" Poke hid under Snape's unconscious body.

"Hey! OCCUPIED!" Ron screamed from the bathroom.

"Let go! I'm rich!" Malfoy yelled.

"Hello sir would you like to make cookies with me-" Voldemort was tackled in the kitchen.

"BACK OFF!" Renesmee started to shoot them with her shot gun.

"The kid has a gun!" An officer yelled and five of them tackled Renesmee.

One officer opened the door to the the computer room.

"What's in here?" One asked.

"Just an unconscious man." The other said.

"Oh, carry on then." The other said as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

A few minuets later the police left with Renesmee, Ron, Voldemort, Harry, and Hermione.

Poke crawled back up to the computer to see what the ad led too.

"Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down!" The ad sang.

"Ack! Rickrolled!" Poke said.

-------------

"We're back!" Emmett threw open the door from a day of hunting.

"Where are they?" Edward walked in.

"Poke?!" Carlisle yelled. He could hear Poke singing along to the song upstairs. He stopped singing and the song was cut off. A red ball bounced eerily down the stairs and stopped at the bottom of the steps and a little girl giggled upstairs.

Emmett grabbed the ball and threw it back up the stairs and it hit some one.

"OW!" Poke yelled. He walked down with a large lump on his head. "Did you have to throw so hard?" He said to Emmett.

"Vampire. Can't help it." He shrugged.

"Drug addict, very fragile." Poke shrugged.

"Where is everyone?" Bella asked.

"They were arrested." Poke said.

"WHAT!?" Bella shrieked.

"THEY WERE ARRESTED!" Poke yelled back.

"How come you weren't arrested?" Alice asked.

"I hid under Snape's unconscious body." He said.

"So where are they?" Edward asked.

"Probably at the police station. Doesn't your dad work there?" Poke asked Bella.

"Yeah, I'll get them." Bella said and left.

"I'll come with, I have some friend's I want to visit." Poke said. They walked outside and Poke got on the Poke-mobile (a red tractor).

"Uh, do we have to take a tractor?" Bellla asked.

"Do you have to be so hard to unlock on the Sims 2?" Poke shot back.

"What?" Bella asked.

"Nothing, let's go!" Poke said.

------at the police station------

"Dad, my friend's were arrested, can you get them out?" Bella asked her Dad. They were in his office.

"Can you explain them for me?" He asked.

"One has an Afro of bushy brown hair that's growing back and is really annoying,t he other has a lighting shape scar and weird glasses, the other is a perverted red head, one looks like a snake and asks everyone if they want his muffins, and the other is your granddaughter Renesmee." Bella said.

"Oh yeah, I let Renesmee out." He said.

"Where is she?" Bella asked.

---

"Come one, I'll sell you five packs of cigarettes for one dollar, that's cheaper then what Jose over there will sell you." Renesmee was hustling money from the few inmates.

"Who's kid is this?" One asked.

"Hey, stay away from Jose, he's a child molester." Another one said to her.

"Hey little girl, let's go over to that dark corner and I'll show you my disco stick." Jose walked over to Renesmee.

"Hey! Only I can molest Nessie-Poo!" Voldemort shoved a muffin in the child molester's mouth. The guy stumbled back, then Voldemort started to stuff the guy's mouth with muffins then her passed out.

"Okay." Renesmee walked away.

"Nessie, Voldemort, Harry, Ron, Hermione, let's go!" Bella threw open the door.

"Does Hermione HAVE to come?" Hermione pouted.

They filed out of the cell.

"It's okay, the government will give you your baby back." Poke was talking to a crack whore.

"WHO ARE YOU!?" The crack whore yelled at him.

"Poke, let's go!" Bella yelled. They walked outside and climbed onto the Poke-mobile.

"Who arrested you guys anyway?" Poke asked.

"That DEA agent that has it out for you." Renesmee said. Poke looked inside the police station and saw the very same DEA agent that despised Poke. Charlie nodded to the DEA agent and pointed to Poke outside. The DEA agent turned around and locked eyes with Poke.

"YOU!" He yelled.

"LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" Poke yelled. They raced off as fast as they could on the Poke-mobile. The DEA agent chased after them but slowed down and fell behind.

"Haha! Take that! Your daughter was ugly any way!" Poke shouted at him.

* * *

weird...

thhe chapter was going to be much longer but I didn't have alot of time

refer to chapter eleven if you forgot who the DEA agent was

review???


	44. One Day Late Christmas Special

sorry for the late update, i meant to on Christmas eve but i had to go to a Christmas party and ended up going to Denny's at one in the morning with a half drunk dad :D

then in christmas day i gave myself a day off becasue i can and now i am updating :)

* * *

"Renesmee, wake up..." Bella shook Renesmee.

"What?" Renesmee snapped.

"It's-"

"CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

-

-

**The Christmas Special **

-

-

"Oh boy, boy, oh boy, what did I get?" Renesmee sat by the gigantic Christmas tree in the Cullen's living room.

"Open my present first!" Jacob said.

"OK!" Renesmee opened the present and pulled out a used chew toy.

"Your welcome." Jacob said.

"Uh, OK." She said.

"Open mine!" Edward smiled. It was a huge box. Renesmee grabbed it and ripped it open. It was a vacuum cleaner.

"So you can practice." He said.

In the end, Renesmee got a shirt from Alice, and shoes from Rosalie, a medical book from Carlisle, a bat from Jasper, and shot gun bullet's from Emmett, candy from Ron and Harry, nothing from Hermione, a magic book from Dumbeldore, and Snape was still upstairs twittering.

"Hey! Our gifts from home are here!" Ron and Harry ran to the door and got their gifts from their owls.

"Renesmee, a gift from Aro just arrived!" Edward walked over with a fancy box. He opened it and pulled out a black Volturi cloak. "There's a card, it says 'hint, hint.'" He read.

"Yeah, you might want to disinfect that." Emmett said while roasting marshmallow's.

"We even got a gift from the Grammar-Nazi's!" Bella said, grabbing it out from under the tree.

"What is it?" Jasper asked.

"A grammar book, and a card where they threaten to kill us in the Grammar-Holocaust." She read.

"Jasper, what are you wearing?" Rosalie asked Jasper.

"A Dashiki." He motioned to his colorful outfit.

"Why?" Rosalie asked.

"To celebrate Kwanzaa." He said.

"But, your not black." Rosalie said.

"In my mind I am." Jasper said.

Poke strolled by then.

"Hey Poke, merry Christmas." Renesmee said, polishing her shot gun.

"Happy Holiday." He said.

"Don't you mean, Happy Holiday's?" Ron asked, stuffing his face with Jelly Bean's.

"No, as a Pastafarian I celebrate Holiday, it falls on no particular date, so I chose today to celebrate it. Why? Because I can." He said.

"OK, what do you do?" Renesmee asked.

"Depends." He shrugged.

"I should shoot you for being such a communist!" Emmett said.

"Hey, you can't shoot me, we just found out I'm sexy." He said.

"What?" Emmett said.

"Read the comment's. I printed them." Poke took out a packet of papers and threw them at Emmett.

"You know, I just discovered I'm an atheist, maybe we can get together and chat about our religion some time." Hermione batted her eye lashes at Poke.

"Ew, gross." He shuddered.

There was a thump on the roof. Everyone looked up. The roof shook then some one cursed and fell off the roof.

"Who was that?!" Carlisle asked.

"Santa!" Renesmee said.

"There's no such thing as Santa." Poke said.

"Communist. Let the child believe." Emmett said.

"I did. My Art Teacher had this fantasy that I was a child just getting up and he was Santa and then he-"

"MY MIND!" Emmett shouted a few minuets later.

"Charlie?" Bella helped her Dad up and into the house. He was dressed as Santa.

"I was going to surprise everyone." He said.

"Look, we're under the mistletoe!" Bella pointed.

"Well this is awkward." Charlie said.

"MOVE IT!" Edward shoved Charlie out of the way and made out with Bella.

"MY MIND! AGAIN!" Emmett yelled.

"Uh, I need to see a doctor, I think my spine is broken." Charlie said.

"I'm a doctor, but I'm slightly drunk from all the eggnog." Carlisle said.

"Ah, I love Christmas." Renesmee said.

**Marry Christmas**

**Happy Holiday**

**Have a fun Hanukkah**

**Hope your Kwanzaa is tight yo**

**

* * *

**sorry for the short-ness and lack of a plot

review please :)


	45. The Magic Pony Poem

okey-dokey,

what time is it? it isnt summer time becasue if it where it wouldn't be snowing outside . were i live it is

it's updating time!!!!

* * *

"I hate you, die, your pathetic, your mother must hate you, your an abomination to society, the story gave me a headache, diediediediediedie." Poke read the comments on Snape's fanfic about a magic pony falling in love with Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

"Jesus Snape, is your story that bad?" Poke asked.

"No, it's a Poem!" Snape said.

"OK, let's read it." Poke pulled up the poem.

_"The Magic Pony"_

_A Magic Pony,  
_

_stood,_

_it's face ashen,_

_Charlie stood,_

_married to a tree,_

_I wanted to love him,_

_because I'm a magic pony,_

_a super magic pony,_

_magical,_

_I could see the glass,_

_as if I was looking through it,_

_it's so glassy,_

_like a glass,_

_glass,_

_I clomped through the magic meadow of magic,_

_Charlie was making out with the tree,_

_oh why couldn't it be me?_

_Hey, that rhymes,_

_I walked on shaky hooves,_

_so shaky,_

_the flowers started to stare,_

_I was so high they were hallucinating,_

_day-um,_

_I'm a magic pony_

Poke just sat there for a few minuets.

"So, what do you think?" Snape asked.

"This is AWESOME!" Poke yelled.

* * *

yes, I made the poem bad on purpose xD

if you noticed I switched from third person to first person :D i feel so smart becasue I remember that

review? maybe? yes.


	46. The Cupcake Rapist

okay everyone, since were almost at 50 chapters here are the requirements for a "movie"

300 reviews

50 chapters

5,000 hits

50 faves

20 alerts

let's see what we have so far, we only have 4,342 hits, 46 chapters (including this one), 245 reviews, 30 faves, and 22 alerts.

:1 c'mon people we can do better than that, on part 1 we have 50,652 hits, 660 reviews, 253 faves, and 77 alerts

and all we have so far on this one are the alerts xD

so let's get 300 reviews :D

* * *

Hermione was on the computer, she pulled a Poke and knocked him out using her wand. She was looking up stuff on Wikipedia.

"Hey, what's up my home dog." Jasper appeared.

"Uh, hi." She said.

"That's what up." He said and walked off slouching.

Renesmee was brushing the hair of her Barbie.

"Yo what up home skillet biscuit." Jasper said to her.

"Jasper, your not black." Renesmee said.

"YES I AM!" Jasper ran off screaming.

-------

Edward walked downstairs. Poke was in the corner curled up in a ball wearing an adult diaper with a goat next to him.

"It's OK Billy, we'll get ya some oats." Poke grabbed a fistful of Frosted Flakes from a cereal box and threw them at the goat.

Edward backed away slowly and up the stairs.

--------

"Yeah! We're going to fight the evil forces of tyranny and evil!" Renesmee was riding on the back of Harold the Dragon as they flew around the sky.

"I call second!" Ron said, jumping up and down.

"Hey, Ron, guess what." Harry said.

"Yes?" Ron turned to him.

"SURPRISE! IT'S ME!" Voldemort pulled off his disguise.

"AH! YOUR NAKED!" Ron yelled.

"Little boy raping time!" Voldemort grabbed Ron and started to rape him.

"Renesmee! Help!" Ron yelled.

"Yeah. See if that happens." Renesmee said.

-------

Hermone was on a chat room. Snape was awake and was fuming in the background because she kicked him off. He walked away then and Harold the Dragon flew through the wall and hit Hermione, squishing her like a pancake.

"Ew." Renesmee said.

--------

"Hey Ron, let's play some chess." Harry held up a chess board. Ron looked at Harry, then at the Chess board.

"DON'T RAPE ME AGAIN!!!!" He yelled and ran to the woods.

"Oh c'mon Ron, that was one time when we were twelve and we were curious! You said it was OK!" Harry yelled after him. Voldemort cam walking from the same place Ron came from putting on his robes.

"Cupcake?" Voldemort pulled one out from his pocket.

"No thank you." Harry said slowly.

"HE'S TRYING TO RAPE YOU!" Emmett's faint voice yelled.

---------

"Hi, I'm Poke. Sexy alcoholic and meth and dope addict. I'm also a Pastafarian. I'm here today to tell you kids out there that your all going to die one day." Poke said.

"Who are you talking to?" Carlisle asked.

* * *

not my funniest, some would argue not funny at all....but that's just them

i re-read some parts of part 1, and that story is just goofy xD like a 13 year old with nothing to do wrote it, which at the time, it was :D

review please


	47. Poke's Funeral

thanks for the reviews xD

and a reviewer asked this, what is a Pastafarian? some one who worships the Giant Spaghetti Monster, yes, it is a real religion, I did not make it up

read please:)

* * *

"Ow, my stomach-h-h-h-h." Poke was holding his stomach and rolling around on the ground.

"Did you eat one of Voldemort's cupcakes!?" Harry asked.

"No! I ate one of his muffin's!" Poke cried.

"How many?" Harry asked.

"Five! They're just so good!" Poke said.

"Mwahahaha, I laced them with chloroform. You have 24 hours to live." Voldemort said.

"NO! YOU CURE POKE!" Renesmee tackled Voldemort and started to beat him up.

"Uh, I ate them yesterday." Poke said.

"What does that mean?" Harry asked.

"I'm dead." Poke said then died.

---------

"We are gathered here to day in to celebrate this couple's holy matrimony, if anyone has any objections, speak now or forever hold your peace." The priest said.

"Uh, this is for a funeral." Emmett said.

"Oh, well then, he's dead, anyone have anything to say?" The priest asked.

"Yes, I do." Mr. BananaMan the Bear walked up.

"Poke was a good friend, despite the fact he called me the Angry Beaver, do I look like a Beaver to you!?" He growled at Hermione.

"No, you look like a Bear." Hermione said.

"Good, anyway, Poke liked to videotape everyone in the bathroom taking a dump and would sell the tape to truckers." He said.

"Mr. BananaMan, your supposed to say something nice." Edward said.

"Whoa, am I high or is that Beaver talking?" The Priest asked Voldemort.

"Cupcake?" Voldemort asked, holding out a cupcake.

"SURPRISE!" Poke threw open the casket he was in and jumped out.

"ZOMBIE!" Emmett yelled.

"No! I'm alive! It's a miracle of the Giant Spaghetti Monster!" Poke said.

"You mean God?" The Priest asked while eating a cupcake.

"He laced his cupcakes with chloroform." Poke pointed to Voldemort and the Priest spat out the cupcake. Poke looked around. There was a shallow grave dug in the ground and they were behind the Cullen's house.

"You guys were just going to bury me behind your house like a dog?" Poke asked hurt.

"That's where I want to be buried." Jacob said.

"Well, I wanted to turn you into a vampire, but I don't have venom." Renesmee said.

"You should have, I'd be an awesome vampire, I'd be able to sense virgins." Poke nodded.

* * *

short chapter, but review please :)


	48. The Very Late New Years Eve Special

sorry for not updating on new years eve or new years day, i was busy xD and have been busy since

so READ!

* * *

"AAHHHHHH!!!" Emmett yelled upstairs. Alice was blowing up black and yellow balloons for the small party they were going to have with the Denali coven who would be arriving any minute.

"Oh great, what's he flipping out over now?" Rosalie asked.

"CHINA!" Emmett ran down the stairs, fell, and got back up.

"I know, look at how durable this bowl is!" Poke said, throwing the bowl on the ground but it just rolled and landed upside down.

"Not the solid! The country!" Emmett said.

"Oh yeah, it's in the central hemisphere located next to Narnia." Poke nodded.

"Do you own a globe?" Rosalie asked.

"Yes, the Poke-Globe." Poke said.

Alice sucked in some of the air.

"Haha, I sound like a chipmunk." She said, her voice squeaky.

"What did China do this time?" Edward asked.

"Besides from being China, THEY ARE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! WE MUST DESTROY THEM FIRST!" Emmett said and ran back upstairs.

"Don't worry Emmett, China is to busy trying to find some taco's to populate that sausage fest!" Edward called after him.

"What?" Alice asked in her squeaky voice.

"It's called a metaphor. Look it up." Edward said and left.

-------

Ron was trying to give himself an emo hair cut. He shook his head to the side, but it wasn't working.

"HI!" Renesmee shouted in his ear. He jumped and almost fell.

"Don't scare me!" He said.

"What are you doing?" Renesmee asked.

"Trying to get an emo look." He said.

"Why?" Renesmee scrunched up her nose.

"Because I want to go pick up some drunk chicks later and they always seem to go for emo guys." He explained.

"You fail." Renesmee said and left.

Ron turned slowly to see Emmett behind him.

"Do you like China?" Emmett asked.

"What's a China?" Ron asked, since he never went to a normal school he was retarded when it came to normal information.

"I'll take that as a no." He said and left.

----------

"Where here! Oh Eddie!" Tanya saw Edward and attached herself to him.

"Back of bitch, Eddie is mine." Bella said in a demonic voice and Tanya backed off.

"Hi, I'm Kate, that's sooooooo creative. I'm about to say hello to the floor." Kate slurred her words and fell. "Hello floor." She said.

"From past experiences, I would say she's drunk." Poke said, wearing glasses with the number 2010 on them.

"Yeah, I don't know how that's possible." Garrett said.

"We went to the store and picked up these nifty drinks!" Tanya pulled out a bottle of TruBlood (hint).

"Hm." Carlisle took the bottle and drank some. He spat it out. "EW!" He said.

"I wanna try!" Poke took some and took a giant gulp. He paused and burped. "Is that what it feels like to have a period?" He asked Rosalie.

"I wouldn't know...anymore." She started sobbing.

"Oh great, now you got her all upset about the baby thing." Emmett said.

Jasper walked down the stairs and helped Kate up who was still face down on the ground.

"Hey sailor, if you want my taco you better by me dinner first." Kate said.

"Ew." Jasper said and dropped her.

"Do a time spell so time will go by faster so the author doesn't have to write any longer." Renesmee said to Hermione.

"I can't just do a time spell-"

"BITCH! DO A TIME SPELL!" Renesmee said. Hermione huffed and pulled out a time turner and flipped it ahead a few hours.

"HAPPY 2010!" Kate yelled outside. Renesmee went to the window. Kate jumped off the roof and landed on the ground, creating a tiny creator under her.

"Only two more years until the end of the year! TAKE THAT CHINA!" Emmett shouted.

* * *

review please :]

**I HAVE A NEW POLL!! please check it out on my profile and vote :3 the founding fathers died for that right 'ya know, and if ur not from america then u fail at life (jk)**

**A/N: i was thinkin about posting a link to live journal so who ever wants to read my original stories can read them, if you want to read my original "stories" please say so in your review  
**


	49. The Deleted Chapter's Collection

ok, thanks for only TWO reviews...

im not going to let it piss me off..this time

so I found this in my little storage vault, and since i cant think of anything, enjoy :)

* * *

-Deleted Chapter number 1-

"OK everyone, I am Poke, and this is Emmett, and the ginger over there is Ron." Poke said to a camera.

"What about me?" A voice asked.

"And the cameraman is Renesmee." Poke added. "Today, we are going to interview random people from the internet. Our first interview is with Lothario Kingston, a.k.a. Mr. Anti-Hero, and Gena Winterfoot a.k.a I'm a Thesaurus. They both love to use a site called TheFansFiction. net, so, let's go interview them!" Poke said.

They arrived at a house a few minutes later and rang the door bell.

A fat pimply teenager answered. He had on a World of Warcraft shirt and baggy gray pants.

"Someone is a virgin." Emmett snickered.

"Ugh, can I help you!?" He snapped.

"Uh, are you Lothario Kingston?" Poke asked politely.

"Who want's to know!?" He huffed.

"We do, we're from Action 5K News. We spoke on the phone earlier." Poke said.

"Oh yes, please come in. My mother was just making us cookies." He lead them into a living room.

A fat girl sat on the couch snacking away on Cheese-it's. She had on a My Little Pony sweat shirt.

"Gena, the interviewers are here!" Lothario growled.

"Ooh, legtsh merhs gerty readfg." She said.

"What?" Renesmee asked.

"She said let me get ready!? Are you STUPID!?" Lothario yelled at Renesmee.

"Geese man, who lit the fuse on your tampon?" Renesmee asked.

"Ha, I get it." Ron said. They sat down on the couch.

"OK, Mr. Kingston-"

"Please, call me by my screen name. Mr. Anti-Hero." He said.

"Calfg mefg Igh ar Thesudes." Gena said.

"Yeah, whatever. Now, you are an active "flamer" on this website, TheFansFiction. net. Why do you flame others?" Poke asked.

"One, I love the website-"

"Loser." (Renesmee)

"Two, it's to get rid of idiots and dumb asses the clog the site-"

"Wow." (Renesmee)

"And Third, I enjoy getting a rise out of people." He finished.

"Lame." (Renesmee)

"Some would argue that you can not flame others because you have no stories of your own." Poke said.

"Yes, but that is void." Lothario said.

"How?" Poke asked.

"ISN'T IT OBVIOUS!? YOU ARE SO FUCKING STUPID!" He yelled.

"I just asked you a simple question!" Poke said.

"NO!!!!!!! YOUR A COMPLETE IDIOT!" Lothario stood up.

"Hey man calm down." Ron said.

"ARGHGHGHGHGH!" Lothario screamed like a little girl.

"Arfghd sghjs kefn!" Gena said.

"YOU ARE SO STUPID!" Lothario yelled and punched Poke.

"Oh HELL no!" Renesmee said. She put the camera down and tackled Lothario and started to wail on him.

"Njjooo!" Gena jumped up and fell on top of Renesmee.

"Help! I can't breath!" Renesmee yelled.

Emmett picked up Gena and threw her back on the couch which then broke under her weight.

Renesmee grabbed Lothario and gave him an atomic wedgie.

"No! It's like high school all over again!" Lothario sobbed.

"Lothie honey, I made you some cookies!" Lothario's mom appeared carrying a cookie tray. She saw the scene and dropped the cookies.

"Let's get out of here!" Poke said and Emmett, Renesmee, Ron, and Poke ran out of the house.

-Deleted Chapter number two-

Poke was walking down the street in Forks. Some one jumped out of the shadows from a house.

"You thought you could hide Poke, but I finaly found you." The person said.

"No, not you, my art teacher!" Poke said and started to sob.

"Come to the back room with me Poke, now." His art teacher walked slowly forward.

"No, please, not again!" Poke sobbed.

"Hey Poke, look at what I stole!" Renesmee walked over with Jacob.

"Poke? What's wrong?" Jacob asked.

"Him! My art teacher who molested me!" Poke said.

"How dare you!" Renesmee said and ran at him.

"Ooh, another child to molest!" The Art teacher said and Renesmee stopped dead in her tracks and backed up.

"I don't want to run at him." She whimpered.

"Molest this!" Jacob turned into a wolf and ripped the Art Teacher's face off.

-Deleted Chapter Three-

"Sorting Hat! We can't just tear down the castle!" Professor McGonagall said.

"Yes there is! There has to be buried treasure under this rock! Oh _hell-o_!" The Sorting Hat whistled as a girl student walked by. The Sorting Hat changed the school uniform to where the girl's had to wear string bikini's and the boy's swimming trunks. He changed the schedule so that the classes were called 'Fun Party Time'.

"Sorting Hat, we seriously need to change the uniforms back to their original-"

"Yeah, I know, some girl's need to get a wax..." He said, interrupting McGonagall.

"That's it, Malfoy!" McGonagall yelled.

"Yeah?" Malfoy came over, dancing halfway since speakers were blaring Techno Music.

"I want you to go find Dumbeldore and make him come back!" McGonagall ordered.

"Yes ma'am!" He said and ran off.

* * *

review please :]


	50. ROAD TRIP!

sorry i have not updated in a long time, i had writers block

now i dont so read and review :)

* * *

Everyone was outside enjoying a BBQ.

"Here ya go!" Emmett put a dead buffalo on the grill. Edward was wearing a chef hat and an apron.

"Emmett, I thought Buffalo's were endangered!" Edward said.

"Not this one, I got it from the zoo." Emmett said.

"Look what I found!" Poke walked over holding a giant centipede about three feet long.

"AHHH!!" Emmett ran away screaming like a little girl.

"Poke...why do you have that?" Edward asked, baking away, his voice small.

"Isn't it AMAZING? I found it in the woods!" He said. The centipede crawled onto his back and wrapped around his head.

"I shall call you...Pete!" Poke said.

"Why Pete?" Edward asked.

"Pete and Poke! Let's go Pete." Poke said and walked off.

"WHAT THE FU-" Renesmee yelled in the distance as Poke passed by.

-

Johnny and Billy were sitting at the top of a hill in their wheelchairs.

"This town ain't big enough for the two of us." Billy said.

"Bring it old man. I was in 'Nam." Johnny growled, they glared at each other.

Leah walked in the middle of the road and held up a flag.

"Show some leg!" Jacob yelled.

"On your mark, get set, go!" She yelled and waved the flag down.

Billy and Johnny raced down the hill at top speed on their wheel chairs. Johnny hit Billy and Billy started to skid.

"Uh-oh! He's cheating!" Seth said.

Billy spun back around and grabbed the back of Johnny's chair. His chair fell from under his butt and flew off into the woods.

Jacob and Seth were rolling on the ground laughing at the sight of Billy holding onto the back of Johnny's chair while t raced down a hill.

Under the weight of both of the old men, Johnny's wheels started to skid and sparks flew out from under it.

"How long is this hill!?" Leah asked.

They reached the bottom of the hill and skidded to a stop. Billy flew off and landed on his legs.

"I...I can walk again!" He said, almost crying. "It's a MIRACLE!" He yelled and ran off into the woods.

"Did I win?" Johnny asked, looking around.

-

Ron was chowing down on a bunch of buffalo wings.

"Oh my gawd, these are SO good!" Ron said between mouthfuls of food.

"Ron, that's hardly healthy." Hermione said.

"Shut up!" Ron squirted barbecue sauce into her face.

Edward's Volvo, still beat up from the time Poke crashed it, drove up, spun around in a doughnut, and skidded to stop in front of the Cullen's house. The door flew open and Alice stepped out.

"ROAD TRIP!" She yelled and everyone clamored inside.

"Is this thing safe to drive?" Carlisle asked.

"Sure!" Alice said.

"Oh, hey, has anyone seen Pete?" Poke asked.

"Yeah, I chopped him up and made him into those buffalo wings." Edward said and Ron leaned out he window and threw up.

"Oh well, there's always Crawly!" Poke pulled out a giant tarantula.

"AHHHH!!!" Emmett screamed.

* * *

this is the start of the road trip xD

see, there is a plot

review please :3


	51. The Hills DO Have Eyes! :O

omgomgomgomg!!! so i was in my art class and the art teacher sent one of the kids into the supply closet to get a pack of markers, and he called it the back room, and one kid said, watch out for Poke's art teacher!' XDDD if u have been paying attention, poke was molested by his art teacher in the back room xD

i was like, OMFG!!! i wanted to stand up and announce i was the writer, but, like a superhero, i had to keep my true identity a a secret lol

read

* * *

Rosalie, Carlisle, Esme, Alice, and Jasper decided to stay behind in Forks while everyone else continued on the road trip. Renesmee had stolen a tour bus for the Jonas Brothers so where ever they went 12 year old girls chased them.

"Haha! Five points!" Poke threw a can at one as they drove down the highway.

"They are really fast." Ron observed.

"Your just in shell shock because that's the most girl's you've ever seen in one place." Emmett said.

"Not true, at my school-" Ron stopped talking because Emmett walked away.

"Why did you have to get a Jonas Brother's van?" Edward complained.

"It was either this or a Poison Van, and no one likes Poison anymore." Renesmee said at the wheel.

"I'm sorry, but HOW can you drive?" Edward asked.

"My mum told me that when she and her mum went to eat they'd eat salad." Ron was telling Harry a story.

"What's a mum?" Poke asked.

"You know, my mum." Ron said.

"Is that a type of STD?" Poke asked.

"No, it's my Mum!" Ron said.

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR STD!" Poke yelled.

---A few hours later---

The group had been driving for a few days now and the scenery outside became increasingly desert like.

"Where are we?" Hermione asked.

Snape shuffled through the map.

"Hell I don't know." He said.

"I think...we are in Arizona." Renesmee said.

"Why are we in Arizona!?" Edward hissed.

"I wanted to see some Aliens." Renesmee said.

"I though that was in Nevada." Emmett scratched his head.

"Did...some one say...Arizona?" Bella asked slowly, her head turning toward the front slowly.

"Uh, no." Edward lied. Suddenly, the front tire blew out an they skidded to a stop.

"I didn't do it!" Poke yelled. They were in a valley, around them were large hills. The group walked out of the van.

"We hit some spikes!" Renesmee said.

"Where have I seen this place before?" Poke looked around.

"We're going to explore!" Hermione said. Her, Harry, and Ron wanted to go hiking.

"OK, have fun. Hippie's." Emmett said.

The three left to go to the hills.

Then it dawned on Poke.

"This is the place from The Hills Have Eyes!" He yelled.

"They do not! Hills use their sense of smell! Much more reliable." Dumbeldore said.

"Wow, didn't expect something so stupid to come out of you." Bella said.

"We have to go get them!" Poke said.

"OK! I feel like smashing something." Emmett said. So, Poke and Emmett left to save Hermione, Ron, and Harry.

---With the 3 Kids---

"Uh, does it have stripes?" Harry asked.

Ron and Harry were playing 20 questions. They were well into the hills.

"No." Ron said.

"Does it walk?" Harry asked.

"Yes." Ron said.

"What is it then?" Harry sighed.

"A ZEBRA!" Ron smiled.

"Ron, Zebra's have stripes." Hermione said.

"They do? I thought they had spots!" He said. Out of the darkness, two men jumped out. Their heads were deformed and they looked like circus freaks.

"AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Harry screamed.

"Give us the pretty one!" The smaller one ordered.

"No way! I wont go with you!" Hermione shot back.

"Ew, not you, we want the girl!" The bigger one pointed to Ron.

"Um, I'm a boy." Ron said.

"That's what they all say! RAPE HER!" The smaller one yelled and the two lunged after Ron.

"No! I'm to delicate!" Ron screamed and ran off.

"Stupify!" Harry pulled out his wand and hit the smaller one. He went down fast.

"Oh sure, knock out the scrawny one! NOT THE HUGE UGLY MO FO!" Ron yelled, running in a circle from the big freak.

"ARGH!" Emmett tackled the man and beat him to a pulp.

"Oh thank god!" Hermione said.

"And the Giant Spaghetti Monster." Poke added. Nets shot out and hit the group, trapping them.

"Emmett, brake the net!" Ron said.

"I can't!" He said.

"Why not!?" Harry screamed.

"BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!" Emmett roared as they were dragged off.

---With the Group---

Bella was trying to get a tan and was laying on the top of the van.

"What are you doing?" Edward asked.

"Tanning!" She smiled, glittering. Edward was sparkling too.

"Fag." Snape said.

"Virgin." Edward threw back.

"You tell him Eddie!" Bella said and the two started to make out.

Renesmee was searching for a tire inside the van.

"You'd think a bunch of ratty teenage boys would keep a spare tire." Renesmee said to Dumbeldore who was looking at picture's of the Jonas Brothers.

"I don't care what people think, Joe is the cute one!" He said.

"Back off! I have greasy hair and not afraid to use it!" Snape yelled outside.

"Hey! Hands off BELLA!" Edward roared. Renesmee walked out side carrying Dumbeldore to see more freaks. Snape was trying to twitter it while also trying to fend them off. Edward was ripping on to shreds for trying to rape Bella who was cheering him on.

"What the HELL is going on?" Renesmee asked.

"Little girl!" On of the Freaks ran at her.

"Ah!" She threw Dumbeldore at the Freak and ran back inside to get her Shotgun.

Edward managed to kill all of the freaks.

"Where do you live?!" He asked one who was about to die.

_In the Hills, near the mine shaft._ He thought.

"I'll never tell!" The Freak said then, but Edward ripped his head off and dropped kicked it across the field.

"AHHH!" Renesmee ran out with her Shotgun."Oh, is it over?" She asked, looking around.

"C'mon! We have to get Emmett, Poke, Harry, Ron, and Hermione!" Edward said.

Snape and Dumbeldore decided to wait behind as Edward, Bella, and Renesmee went on ahead.

---With Emmett, Poke, and the 3 kids----

Poke woke up from being knocked out. He was tied to a stick over a fired and was being turned around slowly.

"Well, I'm better fried." He said to the cook.

"Shut up!" The cook growled, then sprinkled pepper on him.

Ron woke up too, he was laying down on a bed in a dress. Rose buds were sprinkled on the ground The door opened and one of the Freaks walked in.

"Hello." He said. He was wearing a red robe. He turned down the lights in the room and light a few candles, then turned on the radio.

_'Let's get it on...'_ Played on the speakers.

"I, am sorry for the confrontation earlier." The Freak said. Ron just stared at him. The Freak opened a bottle of champagne and poured two glasses.

Outside, Harry and Hermione woke up. They were chained to the ceiling and so was Emmett.

"Emmett, wake up!" Hermione said.

"I am up!" Emmett said.

"RAPE!" Ron ran out out the room, but tripped on the dress.

"Ron, why are you in a dress?" Harry asked.

Emmett started to laugh uncontrollably.

"BOO-YA!!!!!" Renesmee busted through the wall and killed the cook, freed Poke and killed the freak trying to rape Ron. Edward ran after Renesmee and freed Emmett, Hermione, and Harry.

"See Edward, we did that with out a dog!" Bella said. Another freak came in, he was the bigger one from before. He saw his friend dead on the ground and the group crawling through the hole in the wall.

"NO!" He yelled and started to cry.

"Wow, very anti-climatic." Renesmee said.

"Let's go!" Edward grabbed Renesmee and the group left.

---Back at the Buss---

They arrived at the bus which was surrounded by little girls.

"Even here they find us!" Poke said. They managed to get into the buss and drove off, Dumbeldore had fixed the tire.

"Whew, that was close." Emmett said.

"I feel like we forgot someone." Renesmee said.

"Not me!" Hermione smiled smugly.

"Where's Malfoy?" Harry asked.

---Back in Forks---

Malfoy was in the middle of the forest.

He looked around.

"Hello?" He asked.

---With the gang---

"Why are you in a dress?" Snape asked Ron.

"Don't ask." Ron said.

* * *

very long for me xD lol

review?

i would like 300 reviews by the end of january


	52. Kids of the Korn

bwahahaha! im updating :O

* * *

Poke was driving the buss and everyone was asleep, except the vampire gang of coarse.

Emmett stumbled over.

"Why are YOU driving?" Emmett asked.

"Because last night at 2:55 am Renesmee passed out from tiredness." Poke explained.

"That's not a word." Emmett pointed out.

"How is last not a word?" He asked.

"Never mind, so are you tired?" Emmett asked.

"No, I'm high." He said.

"Alright then." Emmett nodded.

"Where are we?" Bella asked, looking out the window.

"Nebraska!" He said.

"Nebraska!? Why?" Bella asked.

"Because, I like the name." He said.

A stop sign up ahead caught Poke's attention. He slowed to a stop.

"Jeepers Creepers better not get us." Harry said as he woke up.

"Well, he smells people by their fear, so, when in doubt, feed him Ron." Edward said.

"Hey, there is a town up ahead! Let's stop there, we need some gas." Poke said. They pulled up near a gas station. They were in a small town that was deserted. Everyone clamored out except Ron, Hermione, and Renesmee who were asleep.

Emmett and Edward decided to find the police station to get a map and find out exactly where they were. Harry went with Poke to get gas and Bella stood by the buss.

A few kids were in the building next to it.

"Ooh! I LUV the Jonas Brothers! Lol." A girl around 11 said.

"Shut up Sarah, I should have never let you on the computer." Isaac from Children of the Corn sighed.

"Like, omg, y u have to b so mean?" She pouted.

"...MALACHAI!" He yelled.

"Yes?" He appeared.

"There are adults here! You know what must be done." Isaac said.

"Yes." Malachai said.

"Is that, like, all you can say?" Sarah asked.

"No." Malachai said and left. "Idiots." He muttered under his breath.

--At the Gas Station--

"So Poke, do you ever think about quitting?" Harry asked as Poke grabbed a few tanks of gas.

"You know, I did once, but I can't! I love chocolate too much." Poke said.

"Not sweets, I mean, you know, meth, dope, and beer." Harry said.

"Oh, HELL NO!" Poke said and left. He arrived at the bus as started to fill it up.

"Where did Bella go?" Harry asked.

"Probably back inside to fawn over her daughter." Poke said.

--At the Police Station--

"Hello?" Edward asked, looking around. Emmett was looking at poster's on the walls.

"They need to take these down, some date back to the '70's! There's no way that Buddy the Dog is still alive." He said, reading one.

"Is anyone here?" Edward called. He walked behind the counter and into the office.

"Edward, what's taking you so long?" Emmett asked. It had been almost 20 minuets since Edward went to the office. Emmett opened the door and Malachai dropped a cinder block on his head.

--In the fields--

Emmett, Edward, Bella, and Poke woke up. Harry was behind held by three teenagers.

"What the hell!?" Edward asked.

"Hm, you'd think I would have seen this coming." Poke said.

"We are going to sacrifice you!" Isaac said.

"Lmao! Totally!" Sarah giggled.

"Some one please shoot her." Isaac said.

"I will!" Emmett offered.

"Shut up adult." Isaac said.

"Look, there has been some kind of mistake, you see, we're not even human. We're vampires!" Bella said.

"And I'm a wizard!" Harry added.

"And, like, I'm the Queen of Sheba." Sarah rolled her eyes. Malachai hit her over the head with a shovel then to shut her up.

"There they are!" Renesmee appeared with Hermione and Ron in tow. Jeepers Creepers was behind her.

"Finally! Come here you little shits!" Jeepers Creepers leaped forward and ripped the head off of Isaac.

"Oh SHIT" Malachai yelled and ran off into the corn fields with the rest of the kids. Jeepers Creepers chased after then.

"Let's get the hell out of here before he decides to change his mind and come after us!" Renesmee said.

The group ran off and back to the Buss. Edward jumped into the driver's seat and took off.

"YOU FORGOT ME!!!!" Hermione yelled chasing after them.

* * *

yeah, it seems like I've been making fun of old movies no one watches anymore...but i like old horor films :3

the next chapter wont though

review


	53. Oklahoma! and Dusty Grass

i know, it's been almost a week since i updated, i got a detention so before my dad finds out and grounds me from the computer, here is the next chapter :]

* * *

Snape left his cell phone open on the counter. It was the afternoon and everyone was lounging around. Ron was eating a bowl of corn flakes and saw the phone. He grabbed it and turned it around, marveling at it.

"Wow! What is THIS?" He gaped.

"That my friend, is what you have if you have a social life." Edward said.

"Huh?" Ron asked.

"It is, the almighty cell phone!" Edward said and started to bow to it.

"Hey everyone! Guess where we are!" Poke announced, still driving.

"Gee, I have no idea." Renesmee said.

"Oklahoma!" Poke said.

"Oklahoma!? How do we go from Nebraska all the way to Oklahoma!?" Emmett asked.

"Because, I want to go to Graceland so we're taking a detour." Poke smiled devilishly.

"Let's go to St. Louis." Bella said.

"Why?" Hermione asked.

"No reason, as long as we stay away from Chicago." She said and backed away.

There was a snapping noise. Everyone's head turned slowly to Ron. In his hand was Snape's phone snapped in two.

"Oops." He said.

"WEASLY!" Snape roared and lunged at him. As he did this, Poke who wasn't paying attention to the road, ran off the high way and down into a ditch. The buss rolled and landed upside down.

"Aw SNAP!" Poke said.

----

Ron was the first to come too. He was wearing overalls and had on straw hat. All around him was a desert like environment, and dust caked the ground. A tumbleweed rolled by.

"What the-"

"Hey Jim Bob!" A boy dressed like him walked over.

"Uh, I'm Ron." He said.

"Yeah right Jim Bob, where did 'ya go? Ma sent you to get some water 'fer supper hours ago!" The boy said.

"Harry!?" Ron recognized the boy to be Harry.

"No, I'm Harrison! You know that Jim Bob! C'mon, let's go get some water. Where'd 'yer pail go?" Harry/Harrison looked around.

"What!?" Ron asked, standing up. Harry/Harrison froze.

"Jim Bob, RUN!" He shouted and took off like a bullet.

"What?" Ron asked. He heard a roaring and turned around to see a gigantic dust cloud bearing down on him.

"OH SHIT!" He screamed and ran after Harry. The two made it to a shack like house and ran inside.

"What is goin' on wid' you two?" A woman asked.

"Why is everyone talking like that?" Ron whined.

"Quick! Into the cellar!" A man yelled, opening a trap door. The four ran into the cellar and hid from the storm.

"What's going on??" Ron asked.

"A dust storm Jim Bob!" Harry said.

"Poke!?" Ron gasped at the man.

"Poke? My name is Paul, Jim Bob. Are you sick?" Paul/Poke asked. The woman looked like Bella but claimed to be a woman named Betsy.

"I'm sorry Paul, but what year is it?" Ron asked.

"1934!" Paul said. Ron made a wheezing noise.

"N-nineteen thirty-seven!?" He yelled. Harrison/Harry smacked Ron on the back of his head.

"You alight Jim Bob?" He asked.

The storm passed then and they got out.

"Are we by any chance in Oklahoma?" Ron asked.

"Of coarse." Betsy/Bella said.

"Oh, why couldn't I have woken up in the fifty's? I could have been a cool greaser." Ron sighed. There was a knock on the door. Paul/Poke opened the door. A man who looked like Edward stood in the door way, wearing a fancy suite.

"Hello , I'm here from The Bank." The man said.

"Edward!?" Ron gasped.

"No, Edmund." Edward said.

"Psh, that's creative." Ron muttered.

"What 'fer?" Paul/Poke asked.

"Your payments on your farm have been lagging, if you don't pay up in a week we'll take your farm." Edmund/Edward smiled.

"I'm sorry, but, HOW do you NOT have ANY dust on your suite!?" Paul/Poke asked.

"I'll take that as an OK." Edmund/Edward smiled and left.

"Hey Brown's!" A little girl and a teenager came toward them. The girl looked like Hermione and the teenager looked like Emmett.

"Hermione? Emmett?" Ron asked.

"No Jim Bob! My name is Hannah, and that's Emmett!" Hannah/Hermione said.

"Duh." Emmett/Emmett said.

"Well, at least your name hasn't changed." Ron said.

"How are we gonna make the payments on the farm if the land ain't given' us anything?" Betsy asked.

"I know! We can move! Move to California! The golden state! Everything is better in California!" Paul/Poke said.

"Yeah right!" Ron faked coughed. Everyone turned to look at him. "Um, by any chance, is there anyone here who's name sounds like Renesmee, Snape, and/or Dumbeldore?" Ron asked.

"If yer talkin' 'bout Reina, Samuel, and Desmond? Then yes." Hannah said snobbishly.

"Your still a bitch." Ron huffed.

"That settle's it! We're movin' to California!" Paul/Poke announced.

"WAKE UP!!!!" Some one shouted in Ron's ear.

---

Cold water was dumped on his face.

"AHH!!!!" Ron jumped up and looked around.

"Grass!" He said and rolled around on the ground.

"What's up with him?" Emmett asked and Renesmee shrugged.

"Why!?" Snape was crying over his broken phone. They were in the tour buss still.

"Sorry, um, what happened?" Ron asked.

"When Snape hit you, you hit your head on the wall really hard and you were knocked out." Hermione explained.

"Oh, I had a CRAZY dream." Ron said.

"No one cares Ron. Let's talk about me!" Harry said and everyone nodded.

* * *

review???

oh yeah, for anyone who is retarded, Ron's dream took place during the Great Depression/Dust Bowl x]

and if you cant understand the hillbillies i dont care...


	54. Dr FeelGood

okey-dokey, im updating,

just a reminder for the requirements of a "movie":

300 reviews (almost there)

50 chapters (check)

5,000 hits (check)

50 faves (halfway-almost there)

20 alerts (check)

and yes, i do plan to do one if we get 300 reviews i'll scrap the fave requirement.

this time the movie will feature ALL of the characters that have appeared in Part One and Two

read p-wease

* * *

Harry and Renesmee were knitting, Emmett and Edward were at the drivers seat (Emmett was the passenger), and Bella was painting her nails.

"Hey, where is Ron? Or Hermione? Usually they're up by now." Harry said, looking up from his glove. Renesmee was to concentrated on her hat to look up and make fun of Hermione. He shrugged and got up to look.

---With Ron and Hermione---

They were lying down on one of the bed's.

"Sooooooo..... Do you like the Jonas Brothers?" Ron asked.

"No, not really." Hermione said. There was an awkward silence then the two started to make out.

"WHOO!!! Get it!" A muffled voice said.

"Poke, are you spying on us?" Hermione asked.

"No." Poke replied. The two shrugged and started to make out again. Harry flipped the switch.

"OH MY GAWD!!!!!" He shouted. Poke fell out of a cabinet and ran out of the tiny room.

"Hi." Hermione smiled.

"For God's sake, we're in America for TWO months, and you are already and American Whore!?" Harry yelled.

Bella took it upon herself then to beat the ever loving daylights out of Harry.

---Ten Minutes Later---

"So, where are we?" Renesmee asked Edward.

"Texas." Edward smiled.

"Awesome! Let's go get one of their hat's!" Ron said. Harry was next to him, holding his bleeding arm.

"Just one bite." Emmett said to Bella.

"No." Bella sighed.

"Fine...please!?" He asked.

"Everything is bigger in Texas, including their women." Renesmee said.

"Not true! In fact-"

"Shut up." Renesmee interrupted Hermione.

"Why are we in Texas Edward?" Bella asked.

"Because I got lost on the highway." Edward said.

They pulled over then to fuel up on gas.

"We should probably get non-leaded. With Americans increasing reliance on foreign oil it would be economically beneficial if we saved up on gas." Hermione said.

"Who let Hermione read the National Geographic!?" Renesmee asked.

"Maybe we can go to a Tea Party and talk to some Tea Baggers and discuss health care." Bella asked.

"No Bella, your a woman, get back in the car." Edward snapped. The two stared at each other then started to make out.

"Well, if you want to talk about Health care, then perhaps we should go to the hospital and talk to their doctor's to see what they think." Dumbeldore said.

"Holy Crap! Where did YOU come from?" Snape asked.

"Where did BOTH of you come from?" Harry asked.

"How would we go to the hospital? They'll kick us out with no reason to be there." Emmett said.

"This way." Renesmee pushed Hermione in the middle of the road. A truck came by then and hit her.

---At the Hospital----

"What's the diagnosis Dr. Feel-Good?" Renesmee asked the Doctor.

"For the last time, my name is Dr. Pheal-Goode." The doctor huffed. "Anyway, does she have insurance?" He asked Edward.

"Um, sure." Edward lied.

"If not, we're going to have to throw her out on skid row." Dr. Pheal-Goode said and checked his clipboard.

"Hey, doesn't everyone have health care?" Harry asked.

"Nope, you have to buy it." Emmett said.

"That's dumb." Harry said.

"Not true my English friend, let me explain it to you, you see, our government is in so much debt, that if we passed health care reform, we could not afford it and the prices would soar. Next thing you know, there would be a waiting list on seeing the doctor, then rationing on how many doctors there should be will kick in effect, millions would be homeless and jobless! Injured and in need of care! Then mobs would form and attack any and wall medical facilities! The SWAT would be called in to quel them! There would be riots and fighting and looting! It would be TOTAL ANARCHY!!!!!" Dr. Pheal-Goode screamed at the end.

"Translation : Don't get sick." Emmett said.

"And, why would you fix something that isn't broken?" He asked and left.

"I like Dr. Feel-Good." Renesmee nodded.

Hermione's heart rate stopped then.

"Wasn't me." Ron said.

* * *

mwahahaha, the product of TOO MUCH FOX NEWS!!!

review .


	55. Rock 'n Roll McDonalds!

they are still in texas...i need to prolong the road trip a bit x]

daer-dna-weiver

(read-and-review)

* * *

The buss shook. Ron fell out of his bead and Harry shot up from the table seats.

"What's going on?" Edward asked.

"Yes, I'll like a number two with extra cheese, and a diet coke please." Poke said out the window.

"Pepsi ok?" A voice said back.

"Gee, I don't know, NO." Poke said.

"That will be $5.00, please pull around." The voice said.

"Poke, what the hell are you doing?" Bella asked.

"Getting food." Poke said.

"We're at McDonalds!!!!!!" Renesmee cheered. "Get me a McFlurry." She added.

"Poke, how are you going to fit the buss through the drive through?" Emmett asked.

"Fine...let's go in and eat!" He said

-----

Ron was playing in the play room in the pool of balls.

"Weeee!" He said.

"You have not lived until you have had a Big Mac!" Emmett said and handed Snape a Big Mac.

"This looks disgusting! Do they have any real food?" Snape asked.

"No, it's McDonald's." Emmett said.

Renesmee was eating a McFlurry.

"Everything is a Mc-this, Mc-that, HOLY SHIT A CLOWN!" Edward ducked under a table as Ronald McDonald walked by. "Ew there is gum under here!" He said.

"It's McDonald's, suck it up." Poke said, dipping his fires into ketchup.

At that moment a 400 pound woman walked through.

"DAY-UUUUMMM!" Ron yelled from the playroom.

"It's McDonalds, get used to it." A kid said and through a ball at him.

"Why are there SO many FAT people here?" Snape asked.

"Well, this is the first century in human history that food has been available on such a large scale, the combination of modern living and so much food leads too-"

"Seriously, WHO LET HER READ THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC!?" Renesmee yelled.

"Brain freeze?" Dumbeldore asked.

"Yes, ow-ie." She said and held her head.

"We should have gone to Jack in the Box, I could use 37 taco's right now." Poke sighed, staring at his cheeseburger.

"Are you high?" Edward asked.

"Like a kite." Poke said.

Outside Poke left the buss in the drive through and it was starting to get congested. A line of cars sat waiting, honking their cars.

"GO TO SUBWAY! GET A FOOT LONG!" A worker yelled out the window.

Across the street, Subway watched.

"Look at them...all those FAT, nasty, sloppy people. Don't they know are sandwiches are healthy and tasty?" The owner seethed.

"And we have cookies!" A worker said.

Back at McDonald's...

Poke jumped up, stuck his head under the McFlurry machine's nozzle and turned it on.

"Alright, I'm full," Poke blinked, ice cream dripping out of his mouth, "let's go before they call the cops." He said and ran out of the restaurant. The group got into the buss.

"Gee, the Jonas Brothers are taking a long time." A girl around 17 said to her dad as they waited in the line.

"Wait a second, those aren't the Jonas Brothers! It's...HIM!" The DEA agent jumped out of the car. "YOU!!!" He shouted at Poke.

"Oh SHIT!" Poke yelled.

"Poke! I knew you'd come back! I saved the baby's remains from the abortion! his name is Poke Jr!" The girl yelled.

"Go away crazy lady!" Poke said and ran into the buss.

"Poke has a son and it's and EGG!" Renesmee shook her hand threateningly at the girl.

"Come here you little punk!" The DEA agent chased after the group ass they hauled ass out of the parking lot.

* * *

lmao!!! x] sorry, inside joke...

the DEA agent is the guy from before earlier in the story.

review?


	56. A Mountain Dew, Sprite, and Fanta please

hey guys, what did you do for valentines day?

read please xD

* * *

The group had been driving for a long time now and left Texas and entered Louisiana.

"Let's go to New Orleans, maybe we can help rebuild homes devastated by Hurricane Katrina." Hermione suggested.

"Hmm...no. If we go to New Orleans we're going to the French Quarter and we're going to watch Jazz and eat Shrimp!" Emmett said.

"Yay!" Renesmee cheered.

"No Renesmee, Shrimp is disgusting." Bella said.

"Your disgusting." Renesmee mumbled.

They drove for hours until Edward who was driving erratically, ran out of gas. They stopped in a small town called Bon Temps.

Edward got out to fill up on gas. Bella, Renesmee, and Emmett went in to get snack while Hermione, Ron, Harry, Snape, Poke, and Dumbeldore stayed inside.

Renesmee was deciding on which flavor of Doritoes she should get. Bella was trying to convince her to get something healthy.

"TruBlood? What's that?" Emmett asked the worker.

"Synthetic Blood for Vampires." The worker sighed.

"I'll try some." Emmett said and pulled out his wallet. The Worker grew bug eyed.

"Emmett, stop harassing the worker." Bella snapped. The worker then fainted from seeing Bella's red eyes.

"Bella, you killed him!" Emmett gasped.

-----

"Synthetic Blood for vampire's?" Edward took a sip then spat it out.

"Did you even pay for the gas?" Hermione asked.

"Hell no." Edward said.

"Ooh! A Diner! Pull over I'm starving and I'm tired of having junk food!" Poke said. The Humans hunger overpowered the vampire's who were too thirsty. The humans went in for a bite to eat and the vampire's left to hunt. Renesmee opted to go with the group to eat at the diner called Merlotte's.

They sat down and the waitress came over.

"Hi, I'm Sookie, what would you like to drink?" A blond hair-blue eyed girl asked.

"Coke." Poke said.

"Pepsi OK?" Sookie asked.

"..." Poke started to bang his head on the table.

"Yes." Renesmee answered for him.

"Hm, I'll have a water." Snape said.

"Same here." Dumbeldore said.

"We'll have a water too." Hermione said for Harry and Ron.

"A Mountain Dew, mixed with Sprite and an orange Fanta." Renesmee said. Sookie wrote it all down and left to get their drinks.

"Everyone is staring at your beard." Poke pointed out to Dumbeldore.

"I know, they're just jealous of my glorious beard." Dumbeldore shook it around. A man walked into the restaurant and right up to Sookie who was walking over to the group to give them their drinks. He grabbed Sookie and caused her to spill the drinks and kissed her deeply and they started to have sex.

"Hey you two, not on the rug!" The owner, Sam said and started to beat them with a broom.

Emmett, Edward, and Bella walked in.

"Score!" Emmett said and started to watch Sookie and Bill do it. Edward grabbed Sookie and tossed her through a window.

"ONLY I CAN READ MINDS!" He yelled.

"Hey! How dare you hurt Sook-ay, I challenge you to a duel!" Bill said.

"Bring it! We'll decide on who's the hottest male-vampire-in-love-with-a-human-girl!" Edward said.

"Kick his ass Edward!" Emmett cheered.

Eric walked in with Pam.

"What's this about a new group of Vampire's moving in?" Eric said.

"Hello, I'm Bella Swan." Bella walked right up to him.

"Well hello Miss Swan." Eric smiled and kissed her hand.

"Bella!" Edward said.

"What? He's so SEXY!" Bella fawned over him.

"I'm sorry, my _wife _Mrs. Bella Cullen, is apparently a sucker for hot vampire's." Edward narrowed his eyes at her.

"Aw, Eddie, your so cute when your angry. Come here!" Bella tackled him and started to have sex with him.

"Wow." Eric said.

"Come here! Your invited!" Bella grabbed him and he joined in on the fun.

"Hey, how come they get to do it on the rug?" Bill asked Sam.

"Because I hate you." Sam said.

"Is anyone going to help me!?" Sookie asked.

"No." Poke said.

"But my arm is broken and I'm bleeding!" Sookie said.

"No!" Everyone shouted.

"You have a funny mouth." Ron added.

* * *

yes, i did just add the true blood gang xD

review p-w-ease


	57. Vroomvroom

ok, they are still in bon temps with the true blood friends

sorry, i didnt tell u poke's real name b/c i had to change the plot of this chapter at the last minute

pokes name will be in the next chapter

* * *

"They say the bayou holds many evil secrets, that every daemon known to man lives there, and when we settled on it, those spirits came out to terrorize those willing to mess with them." a Voodoo priestess said to Renesmee.

"Renesmee, what are you doing?" Bella asked, they were in Merlotte's.

"Learning Voodoo!" Renesmee said.

"Well OK, be careful." Bella said.

"Now, take these human sculls and drink the bat's blood mixed with the rat's eye." The woman said. Bella's eyes bulged and she backed away.

Outside Poke drove up in a motorcycle.

"Check out this Ninja-bike a Japanese guy sold me!" He said happily.

"What happened to the Poke-Mobile?" Edward asked.

"I left it behind in Forks, say hello to the Moto-Poke-Cycle!" He said.

"That's really long." Sookie commented.

"I'm still working on it Booby-Lady." Poke shrugged.

"Why didn't you get a Harley?" Emmett asked, frowning.

"Harley's are ugly." Poke said, disgusted.

Three biker boys hanging outside the restaurant herd this.

"What did you say queer?" One walked up to him.

"I said: HARLEY'S ARE UGLY." Poke said louder.

"Back away, this is going to get ugly." Edward said and the three retreated into the restaurant to watch Poke get his ass beat.

"You take that back, a Harley is way better than the wussy-bike." One said.

"No, it's my opinion." Poke puffed out his chest.

"How about we prove how better Harley's are, in a race. I'll race you." The leader said.

"OK, if I win you have to destroy your bikes." Poke smiled.

"And if I win, you have to clean all of our bikes." The leader said and they shook on it.

------

It was dusk and everyone had turned out to watch the two race.

"Bet's, place your bet's here!" Emmett was busy selling bets. So far, everyone had bet that Poke would loose.

The Harley guy drank a beer and threw it on the ground before belching and hitting his girlfriend who wanted to wish him good luck.

Poke on the other hand, put on his helmet and his protective leather jacket.

"Poke, don't do this, if I know one thing about motorcycle's, is that if your hallucinating about your boyfriend, it isn't a good idea to drive one simultaneously while listening to the voices in your head." Bella nodded.

"Wait a sec, women can't drive! All they're good 'fer is SEX!" The Harley guy said and squeezed Bella's butt.

"You keep your hands off of my wife dirt bag." Edward growled like a daemon to the man.

Renesmee walked out with a head wrap on and turned to them.

"On your mark. Get set. GO!" Renesmee said. The Harley guy revved his engine and took off. Poke followed close behind.

"Poke. GO FASTER!" Emmett yelled, not wanting to loose all his money.

Poke noticed he was loosing, his revved up the engine, did a wheelie, and flew past the man. He reached the end before the guy and started to do tricks on the bike.

Everyone's jaw dropped.

"HA! Pay up!" Emmett said triumphantly.

"You cheated! I want a do over!" The Harley Guy said.

"OK, and i'll still win." Poke said smugly.

"Nope! You lost!" Renesmee was holding a dynamite box.

"What's that for?" Poke asked.

"I got creative with the 'destroy the bike' clause of your agreement." Renesmee smiled. She pulled down on the lever and the bike exploded, taking the man with him.

"Whoops, guess I should have waited until he got off." Renesmee said as bits and pieces of body parts and bike parts fell on the ground.

His arm fell on Bella.

"What did I TELL YOU!?" Edward grabbed the arm and threw it.

* * *

mwahaha

i wrote this chapter b/c i cant stand dumb asses who drive Harley motorcycle's, and just my luck, practically every middle aged mid-life crisis pervert man who lives in my neighborhood drives one around .

review please :)


	58. man CUH!

sorry i haven't updated in forever xD

Announcement:

we get ourselves a movie :3 yay (more typing for me to do T_T)

i've had writers block b/c i cant think of what to name poke . he cant have just any old name, so, wait a while for is real name?? :) if it isnt stated in the story then it will probably be in the movie... which i plan to start typing up soon, i want this one to have an actual plot :3

* * *

Hermione, Harry, Ron, and Dumbeldore went to New Orleans to fix a house for charity that was devastated by Hurricane Katrina.

"It's been like, six years since Hurricane Katrina, you'd think they'd have all of this fixed by now..." Ron grumbled, painting. Hermione had taken away all of their wands and forbid them to use magic.

"Ron, first of all, there has been a lack of funding to this area and-"

"Haiti needs more help!" Harry interrupted Hermione.

"How about Chile!? They had a 8.8 earthquake!" Ron threw back.

"I painted a Dragon!" Dumbeldore stepped aside to show them what he had been painting. He painted a dragon flying through the sky with a light saber in hand and a bagel in the other.

"Why are you three even painting!? We are supposed to be putting up drywall!" Hermione said, pointing over to big heaps of fluff and plastic.

"What's drywall?" Ron asked.

"If you gave us our wands we could be done already." Harry said.

"No, we have to do this the old fashioned way!" Hermione stomped her foot.

"I say we toss her to the gangs outside." Dumbeldore said.

Just after he finished the sentence, a bunch of gang bangers burst through the door and kidnapped them.

---

Poke was sipping some lemonade with Sookie and Tera. His cell phone rang.

"Hello?" He asked.

"Help Poke! Ron, Hermione, Dumbeldore, and I have been kidnapped by some gang in New Orleans, call the police!" Harry said.

"I've got a better idea! Call, Poke Man!" Poke stood up all heroically.

"Poke, CALL THE POLICE INSTEAD FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!" Harry shouted back.

"To the Moto-Poke-Cycle!" He said and ran off.

----

Harry and Pals were tied up in the living room of one of the kidnapper's home.

"This is straight out of Malibu's Most Wanted." Dumbeldore said.

"Quick, Professor! Do some magic to get us out of here!" Hermione said.

"Gee, I'd love too, but someone took away my wand." Dumbeldore hissed at her. Hermione frowned.

"And it comes full circle." Harry said.

"Hey, yo, whitey, shut the hell up!" One said.

"I have a name." Harry said.

"Man cuh, if you don't shut da hell up, Imma bust a cap in yo ass!" He growled and started to grab his crotch.

"Is that supposed to be scary?" Ron muttered.

"I'm sorry, I don't understand Dumbness." Harry said.

"Man cuh! You all up in my kool-aid!" He said.

"I'd love some please. Cherry." Ron said.

"Will you SHUT THE HELL UP!?" The leader said and punched his friend.

"Man cuh, I'm sorry, I didn't know what I was doin." His friend said.

"Man, dude, you gay!" The leader said.

"What's wrong with being gay!?" Dumbeldore gasped.

"Anyway, we're gonna hold your white asses for ransom and get some money!" The leader said.

"Why?" Hermione asked.

"...Well, it seemed like a good idea...." The leader scratched his head.

"We're foreigners, we're all from Great Britain. You wont get much response from the American government for your plan." Hermione pointed out.

"Man cuh!" His friend said.

Poke on his motorcycle burst through the window then, the motorcycle flew out from under him and through the wall. Poke landed on the couch, bounced off, and landed on his feet.

"Poke-Man to the rescue!" He declared.

"You gay!" The friend said. Poke was wearing a towel wrapped around his neck as a cape, an wore his underwear outside his pants.

"Poke...I told you to call the POLICE." Harry said.

"Well, why didn't you?" Poke asked.

"I forgot the number." Harry hung his head.

"Man, get this fool!" The leader said.

"No so fast my illiterate friend!" Poke said and whistled. Mr. BananaMan the Bear and Ralph the Bear charged out ad stood on their hind legs and roared.

"MAN CUH!!!!" The friend ran and hid.

"Bears, ATTACK!" Poke laughed.

"You just said we had to scare them." Mr. BananaMan said.

"Did that Bear just talk?" The leader nearly fainted. Poke quickly freed Harry and Pals, retrieved his motorcycle, and took off with his rescued friends, the two Bears on his tail.

-------

Poke sat down on the lawn chair in a bikini and took a sip of his lemonade.

"How was your day?" Sookie asked.

"Fine." Poke said.

* * *

man CUH!!! xD

review.......

cuh


	59. Whoops

thanks everyone for ONE review...

yes, and me never updating anymore

me is lazy ^_^

has anyone ever heard of the song 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia'?

well, be prepared to

* * *

Poke, Harry, Renemsee, Hermione, Ron, and Emmett left Sookie's to get a slushy from QT. Emmett had a parasol so he didn't glitter.

"We're lost." Renesmee said. They were walking on a dirt road.

"We are...yes, we are lost." Emmett admitted.

"Look! A person with a violin!" Poke pointed to a person in the distance playing a violin.

"Let's ask him for directions, I am thirsty!" Ron said.

"Shut up Ron." Harry said.

The group approached the boy.

"Excuse me, can you give us directions to-"

A gun fired and killed the boy.

"Whoops." Renesmee said. Poke picked up his violin.

"I wonder what his name is. Johnny." Poke read.

"MWAHAHAHA!" A voice boomed. The Devil appeared with a golden violin. "Let's do THIS Johnny!" He yelled. He looked around. "Johnny?" He asked.

"We kinda killed Johnny." Renesmee said, kicking his body.

"Your not supposed to be real! Evolution is correct! Your just an figment of human imagination!" Hermione ran up to him and started to yell at him. The Devil took a step back and touched her. She died and fell to the ground.

"Now who am I supposed to violin-duel?" He asked.

"I'll do it!" Poke said.

"Great, if I win I get your soul, if you win, you get this gold violin." The Devil said.

"Awesome! I can pawn it off for drug money!" Poke clapped his hands.

"Do you even know how to play the violin?" Harry asked.

"No." Poke said.

"Alright! My turn!" The Devil started to play the violin really well. Harry and Ron started to dance.

"Why are you here in Louisiana, not Georgia, like in the song?" Renesmee asked after he was done.

"People in Georgia are scary. And I thought this was Alabama. I want to meet Forest Gump." The Devil said.

"God, please help me. Amen." Poke prayed to god. A lightning bolt came down and hit Hermione, blowing her body up.

"Whoops." A voice boomed.

"HEY! NO HELPING!!!" The Devil yelled at the sky. Poke took the violin and hit the Devil upside his head with it. The Devil fell to the ground unconscious. Poke took the gold violin.

"Let's go!" He yelled and ran away.

"Do we still get a slushy!?" Renesmee yelled after him.

* * *

mwahaha xD i am going to hell :3

this will be last update for about a week, my french class is going to france for spring break xD we're leaving tonight and wont be back until sunday :(

france beware :)

review?


	60. Guess who has AIDS? not me!

hi everyone, i'm back ^_^ i got back to the states monday morning and faked jet lag and got out of school for two days xD sorry it took long for me to update, i was lazy

yes, me and my friends tried to pick up some french guys but they were ass holes so we had to kick their asses... we even tried to sneak off and like in the lizzie mcguire movie try to become Europe's next pop star but i cant sing and my friends were chickens and we got stuck with our class T_T and french people dont seem to like it if you stand in the middle of the street singing/shouting the star spangled banner...i've noticed

READ!!!!

* * *

"OH MY GOD!!" Poke shouted from the computer room. Sookie was busy making lunch for everyone after Renesmee geld her at gun point.

"What's going on?" Emmett walked in.

"I'm on Chat Roulette and some dude is on showing off his penis!" Poke showed him.

"That thing is tiny! Here, let me show you a REAL one!" Emmett said and started to take off his pants.

"EW! Keep your pants on!" Poke shouted.

"Too late, I'm naked." Emmett said.

"What's going on? What the FUCK!?" Bella jumped. Poke pressed forward and a new person to chat with appeared.

"WOW!!! SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS!!!!" He shouted.

"WHAT!? HOW DARE YOU TALK TO MY WIFE LIKE THAT! I WILL FIND YOU DIRT BAG AND CUT YOU!!!!" Edward shouted at the camera.

"Lunch is ready!" Sookie said from the other room.

"Oh boy!" Renesmee barreled past them to the kitchen. Edward tipped the computer over and it crashed.

"Edward! You broke the Internet. I hope your happy with yourself." Poke said.

"Yes...yes I am." He said.

"Were did my close go?" Emmett asked.

------

A teenage boy was sleeping somewhere in Tampa Bay, Florida. His window opened and Edward slunk in. He crouched near his bed and held up a razor, and sliced open his arm.

"What the hell?" He asked.

"YOU'LL SEE BOOBS IN HELL!!!!" Edward roared.

"Mommy!" The boy shouted.

"I didn't clean this razor after giving it to an emo kid to slit their wrists, guess who has AIDS?" Edward cackled.

"MOMMYYYYY!" The Boy cried/screamed.

"WHO'S HARMING MY BABY!?" A middle aged woman bust down the door in a pink bath robe and curlers.

"Ah!" Edward threw the razor at her and ran off.

* * *

sorry for the short chapter...and all the caps, there was allot of shouting going on.

review maybe? :D


	61. Freakin Egg Day

ohmigosh everyone...its EASTER!!! xD i just got back from church (CATHOLIC BITCHES!!), and have managed to change from that ugly dress into my sweats (hoddie with a picture of a vodka bottle on it and matching pants :3[it was a birthday present!])

i still have to go to brunch later today around three, so lets make this quick

-i dont feel like doing a real easter special because...your mom

* * *

"Mommy! Can you take me to the mall to meet the Easter Bunny?" Renesmee asked Bella.

"Is it even Easter?" Bella asked.

"Yeah? What month is it?" Ron flipped through a Playboy calendar.

"Are you even looking at the calendar?" Harry asked.

"No." Ron drooled.

"In this chapter it is." Renesmee said.

"Well, OK, I guess we're going to the mall." Bella said.

-----

"Oh my Flying Spaghetti Monster! CHILDREN!" Poke said. All over the mall, snot nosed brats crawled everywhere, screaming and crying at the top of their lungs.

"Glad Rosalie isn't here! She'd try to kidnap one of them!" Emmett said.

Renesmee walked right passed the other kids in line, took the boy that was sitting on the Easter Bunny off and threw him in a random direction, then jumped on top of the Easter Bunny's lap.

"Uh, little girl, I don't think you should have done that." He said.

"That's my mom." Rensmee pointed to Bella who was staring at a picture of a shoe on the wall.

"Alright! Smile!" He said. Just as the picture was being taken, Renesmee ripped off his head.

"SHE DECAPITATED THE EASTER BUNNY!" A kid in the line wailed.

"REVENGE!" Renesmee yelled and ran off with the head.

------

"It's great to see a spiritual holiday about a guy rising from the dead being reduced to a commercial holiday about a freaking bunny giving kids candy." Hermione ranted to Emmett while eating a Cinnamon Roll.

Renesmee ran by then with the Easter Bunny's head, a crowd of little kids chasing her.

"Wait! Does that mean that Jesus was a zombie!?" Emmett asked.

"I think we should leave." Poke briskly walked by towing Bella, Edward, and Renesmee.

"Why?" Ron frowned.

"Yeah! We still didn't get to go to Hot Topic!" Harry complained.

"I gave all those kids meth so..." Poke trailed off.

"Oh shit! Run away!" Edward took off toward the exit.

All at once, every single kid started to cry at full volume and run around historically.

The group made it out just in time, except for Hermione who was swallowed up by the crowd just by the door.

"Why didn't you open the door for her?" Harry asked Renesmee.

"Who cares, I have the Easter Bunny's head." Rensmee said, putting it on.

* * *

i guess that was an Easter day special...an unofficial one x]

i had renesmee scream revenge b/c when i was 3 the Easter bunny made me cry... T_T

oh yes...the road trip will continue around the 65th/63rd chapter

AND! i'll post a sneak peak of the "movie" next chapter :3

review??


	62. TUHPTCOEver! Movie 2 xD SneakiePeakie

Hi everyone, here is the long waited Sneakie-Peakie of the Movie

enjoy :)

* * *

**Sneakie-Peakie!**

"It's Poke! He needs our help!" Renesmee said.

"How do you know? He went off to London to start over." Carlisle said.

"A ghost named Slim-Jim came to me last night and told me!" Renesmee explained. Everyone stared at her. "I'm serious! Call his cell phone." She insisted. Edward took out his phone and dialed Poke's number. It went straight to voice mail.

"Hello, this is Poke, I'm currently incapacitated, incarcerated, ignoring you, or I've pawned my phone off. Please leave a message after the beep, oh, and Markie I'll give you your money by Friday! Stop asking!" Poke's voice said, then there was a loud beep.

"That could mean anything." Edward said.

"Yeah, Markie probably got to him and killed him for his money." Emmett said.

"No, Markie O.D.'d." A voice said. Slim-Jim appeared.

"NO! NOT OUIJA BOARD A NIGHT WE WILL NEVER FORGET! THAT FANFIC SUCKED!" Alice yelled and nearly fainted.

"I thought it was adequate." Bella said.

"I was sent here by God to save Poke." Slim-Jim said.

"So your an angel?" Carlisle asked.

"Sort-of. I got punished for scaring kids and they assigned me this job. Anyway, you better hurry to find out what happened to Poke, his life is in danger as we speak." Slim-Jim said.

"We'll do it!" Carlisle agreed.

"We?" Rosalie scoffed.

"Except Rosalie...she's a bitch." Edward added.

**end Sneakie-Peakie!  
**

**

* * *

**dont worry, i'll do a second one that will be later on xD

i just finished typing the intro and the first half of the movie, hopefully ill finish it by the end of this month/beginning of may and publish it around then

please review :)


	63. filler chapter OH NOE!

ok, im updating again :)

has anyone ever witnessed/played drunk monopoly and/or drunk space invaders? i haven't, but my parents do (gee, such nice examples)

just wondering, anyway, read pweaseeee

* * *

"Ha, now I OWN St. Louis!" Poke was playing monopoly with Emmett, Rensmee, and Ron.

"I suck at this." Ron pouted. Emmett was tied with Poke and Renesmee was the banker.

"It's OK, you own Detroit." Emmett observed.

"Who wants to own Detroit?" Renesmee scrunched up her nose. It was Emmett's new turn. He went forward and landed on one of Poke's cities.

"Pay up." Poke help out his hand.

"No way...Renesmee, you must be cheating!" Emmett declared.

"How? I'm not playing!" She said, motioning to her empty side.

"Can I switch to the money bags?" Ron asked.

"No! I'm the money bags!" Poke said. "If I give up my money bags, then I want to be the car." He said.

"No way, if I can't be the car then I'm not playing." Emmett said, his piece was the card.

"Then just be the thimble." Renesmee huffed.

"The THIMBLE!? No one wants to be the THIMBLE." Emmett said in outrage.

"I'm the thimble." Ron observed.

"See." Emmett said.

"JUST PAY POKE!" Renesmee ordered. Emmett grumbled under his breath and handed over Poke the money. Poke counted it out slowly.

"You shorted me...your supposed to pay me $500, you only gave me $450." Poke said.

"That's all I have." Emmett said.

"You have over a thousand dollars!" Poke said.

"No I don't." Emmett tucked a dollar under the board.

"Yes you do!" Poke said.

"Emmett, give him the money." Renesmee said.

"No! I quit!" Emmett tossed the board over and the pieces scattered everywhere.

"I like this game." Ron said.

"We should have played Clue." Poke muttered.

* * *

filler chapters suck sorry :(

review

...

...

...

now :D


	64. Leaving Bon Temps, Sadface

i've been getting allot of suggestions for the movie, and they're not that bad :D

i've also made some revisions to the plot

and now im updating and you are reading

* * *

Renesmee, Amerina, Emmett, Harry, and Ron where with Eric at his vampire bar.

"So, your saying, people want to get freaky with you JUST becasue you are a vampire?" Emmett asked Eric.

"Yes." Eric said.

"Awesome! If I wasn't married right now I'd-"

"Emmett, Rosalie is back in Forks, remember?" Renesmee pointed out.

"Oh yeah. Well, what happens in Bon Temps STAYS in Bon Temps!" Emmett jumped up.

"Not if I video tape it." Amerina whipped out a camera.

"Where did you come from?" Ron asked.

"Who are you?" Amerina asked him.

"So, little girls, do you like to color?" Eric asked Amerina and Renesmee.

"Yes!" They both said.

"Yay! Me too!" Eric pulled out a My Little Pony coloring book and a box of crayons and the three started to color.

"Ooh! I want to color!" Emmett said.

"I thought you wanted to cheat on your wife." Ron said.

"Oh yeah...but I'd rather color." Emmett said.

---

"Shouldn't we be in New York by now, we've been in this town for too long." Snape said.

"You know, Snapple is right for once, we should be going. Where's the buss at?" Edward asked Bella.

"It was stolen." Dumbeldore said for her.

"Wow...someone stole the buss we stole...I wonder who took it." Edward said.

---

Elena, Stefan, and Damon drove off with the buss.

"LOOK WHO'S SMEXI NOW!" Stefan yelled out the window.

"YEAH BUT WE'RE THE ONES WITH THE MOVIE FRANCHISE!!! WHAT, WHAT!?????" Emmett yelled after them.

---

Renesmee found a better buss, a Hannah Montana buss.

"Was Miley in here?" Harry asked as he sat down.

"Uh, no." Renesmee closed the door to the closet were Renesmee hung Miley Cyrus.

"Has anyone seen Poke? He hasn't been in this chapter yet." Hermione pointed out. They drove around the town until they found Poke at Merlotte's beating up Bill with a stick.

----

They we driving away from the town with Poke.

"You, know, I can't remember why we even stopped there. It's confusing." Edward said at the drivers seat.

"You know what's confusing, the plot of out second movie." Emmett said.

"You know what's even more confusing, the layout of this chapter." Renesmee added.

* * *

just to clarify, i do not read or watch the Vampire diaries, I looked up the names on wikipedia so i hope i got them right

now you are reviewing


	65. To Catch a Pedobear

omgggg i got like 1,000 hits to this story yesterday and to part 1 xD

america the story of us premiers today on the history channel at 8! :D everyone WATCH IT, i loves me some history :3

reads pwease

* * *

Bella had taken the wheel and Edward was snaking on popsicles.

"How can you eat those?" Emmett asked.

"These aren't Popsicle! They're bloodsicles!" Edward showed Emmett.

"AWESOME!" Emmett took one.

"This cherry Popsicle tastes funny." Ron said after licking his.

Emmett and Edward exchanged a glance.

Bella pulled to a stop at a small Alabama town.

"I'm going to get some directions back to the highway." She said.

"Don't worry! I found a street guide!" Dumbeldore conjured up a street guide from the 80's.

"I could help you." A man on the street said. Inside the buss, Emmett started to scream. He threw open the door and tackled the man.

"FOREST GUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He shouted.

The group sat in Forest Gump's dining room eating shrimp he caught on his Shrimpn' Business.

"Mama always said life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get." He said.

"One time I got a bouncing frog." Ron said.

"Are you retarded?" Forest Gump's son asked.

"It's at time like this that I miss Poke Jr." Poke sniffed.

"You have a son too?" Forest asked.

"Yes, he's an egg." Poke said.

"So um, let me ask you this Mr. Gump, how are you alive?" Snape asked.

"I dunno, the author of this story must be stupid." He said.

"This is some fine shrimp, how many types of shrimp are there?" Renesmee asked.

"Let me have my friend Bubba explain." Forest said. Bubba came out.

"Gumpo Shrimp, fried shrimp, shrimp kabob-"

"We get it." Hermione said.

"Don't worry Forest, she's always a bitch." Renesmee said about Hermione.

Later the group retired to the guest rooms.

"Renesmee, can I sleep with you, I keep seeing a strange bear in my window." Amerina said to Renesmee.

"You too?" Ron pulled down the covers.

"Where's Renesmee?" Amerina asked.

"Right here." Renesmee was crouching under the window with a bat.

"I wonder why the bear keeps coming." Harry was hiding next to Ron. The Bear popped up in the window and jumped into the room.

"AHHH!!!!" Renesmee started to wail on him with the bat.

"It's the PEDOBEAR!" Amerina yelled.

"What's a Pedobear?" Ron asked.

"Come here Kiddies!" The Pedobear grabbed at Amerina who ripped his arm off. The Pedobear grew back his arm and from his old arm, another Pedobear grew.

"Oh SHIT!" Amerina said.

"Avada Kedavra!" Harry said. He killed both the Pedobears. But, they got back up.

"Oh No! ZOMBIE Pedobears!" Renesmee said. Forest Gump opened the door and turned on the light.

"What's a goin' on?" He asked. The Zombie-Pedobears ran away.

"God Dammit! Not the Pedobears!" Forest Gump grabbed a shot gun and ran after them.

"I shall help you!" Renesmee grabbed her shot gun and ran after them with him.

* * *

forest gump is one of my fave movies xD

had to do a pedobear reference with all those kids, sry

review please :)


	66. Ew

hey guys, i've got some good news,

I have a new poll, so please visit my profile and VOTE! thats pretty much it .

read please, i was inspired by this vid i watched on atheist called The Most Hated Family In America, im not an atheist, but i still enjoy watching some of their videos, its ok, Jesus is my home skillet, he understands :3

* * *

The Buss pulled into Atlanta, Georgia.

"We need to hurry up and get out of the south, Emmett is turned into a hic." Harry said.

"How do you know that?" Bella asked, sitting at the drivers wheel.

"He's listening to country music and saying y'all." Ron said, sitting next to Emmett who was singing 'She thinks my Tractors Sexy'.

"This is our last stop before we head up into Virginia, which is partially the south, so it'll be ok." Edward informed. They stopped across from a vac um store were a group of people were holding signs.

"GOD HATES FAGS!" They were chanting.

"Hey now, language, there are children here." Emmett said. Harry and Ron got out to go to the QT that was next to the Vacuum store to get some snacks while Renesmee, Emmett, and Edward went to inspect the protesters.

"What are you guys protesting?" Emmett asked.

"Fags!" A woman said.

"By holding a sign about Sweden?" Ron asked.

"Yeah! This store sells Swedish Vacuums!" She said.

"How does that relate to your protest?" Renesmee asked.

"Because Sweden loves FAGS!" She yelled.

"Can you please just say Gays?" Emmett asked.

"No! They're FAGS!" She yelled. Emmett raised his fist and punched her in the face. Everyone gaped at him.

"She has bad breath." He said and ran off.

----------------////line break////-----------------

"I want a Slim Jim!" Harry took a Box of Slim Jim's.

"What's this?" Ron held up a pack of gum.

"That's gum, here try it." Harry opened the gum and took out a piece for Ron to munch on. Ron chewed on it like a horse.

"How am I supposed to swallow it?" He said, his gum smacking.

"You don't, you just chew on it." Harry explained. Ron's eyes widened and he accidentally swallowed it.

"I SWALLOWED IT! AHHH!" He ran out of the store.

"Hey kid, ya gonna pay for that?" The man at the counter asked. Harry ran out of the store.

--------------///////line break//////-------------------

"Hey Dad, Emmett just pissed off the protesters and we kinda need you to scare them off." Renesmee explained.

"I'm kinda busy here." Edward said, he was in the bunk bed, covers pulled up to his chest.

"What's wrong Nessie-Poo?" Bella popped out from under the covers.

"EWWWW!" Renesmee ran out of the room.

-----------////////line break//////-----------------

Emmett was running circles around the vacuum store as the protesters chased them with their signs in tow. Harry ran into the buss, got back up, and ran inside it.

"Potter, what is your problem?" Snape asked, sipping on a slushy.

"Ron stole from the QT and I forgot that I didn't have any money." Harry panted. Ron slammed into the window, and slid down slowly. He ran into the buss.

"I'M GOING TO DIE!" He screamed and fell to the ground.

"Nothing happens when you swallow gum! It just sticks to your lungs! I think." Harry said.

"I CAN'T BREATH!" Ron screamed and started to hyperventilate.

"Get a hold of yourself man!" Dumbeldore smacked Ron.

"What's going on?" Hermione asked, looking up from her book.

"Hermione...if I don't live to make ten thousand babies with you, know that...I-I love you." Ron said and passed out.

"Ew." Snape said.

"Shut up Snape, you loved my mom." Harry said.

Outside, Poke appeared behind the wheel of a large tank and ran over all the protesters.

"Look what I stole! I mean found!" Poke said as he opened the top. He looked down at the bodies he squished.

"Ew." He said.

* * *

ron's reaction was based on one of my friends who swallowed gum while half awake and started to freak out xD

review?


	67. not the CENSUS!

oh em gee they're in Virginia :DD, or as i like to call it, Vir-gihn-nuh xD

* * *

"Look what I found! A two dollar bill! And T-Jeff is on it!" Emmett held up a two dollar bill with Thomas Jefferson on it.

"Damn straight." T-Jeff said.

"How come I'm not on a dollar?" Ivan the Terrible asked.

"Because your not or never were a president. You were a Czar of Russia." Hermione explained.

"Bitch I know." Ivan pimp slapped her.

"I want a two an a half dollar." Poke said in the corner of the buss.

"OH MY GOD!" Ron yelled in the background.

The group was driving through Virginia with Bella driving.

"Poke, you are so stupid. When Russia attacked Georgia, you thought they attacked Georgia the state, not Georgia to country." Hermione said all stuck up.

"HOW DARE YOU ATTACK POKE!" Renesmee tackled Hermione.

"Renesmee! Stop beating up Hermione!" Edward said.

"I'm not, we're wrestling." Renesmee paused.

"Well stop before Snapple gets turned on. I think he's a pedobear." Edward said about Snape. Snape was sitting next to him.

"He's right next to you." Dumbeldore said.

"I know Bumblebee. But he's so into Twitter that he cant hear." Edward said.

"You know what, that joke isn't funny anymore." Renesmee said, cleaning her shotgun.

"Your ongoing joke of having a shot gun is old too." Edward threw back.

"This whole story is getting old!" Harry said.

"THERE'S A DEAD BODY IN THE CLOSET!" Ron ran into the room.

"Dont touch Miley, she's sleeping." Renesmee lied.

"YOU KILLED MILEY CYRUS! NOOO!" Poke jumped up and started to cry.

"I forgot you liked her." Amerina said.

"Me too." Renesmee started to cry.

"Oh great, y'all are crying." Emmett said.

"Russians can not cry." Ivan the Terrible said.

"Why are you here?" Hermione asked.

"Because...the author is half Russian and thinks I'm bitchin'." He said then hit her again. The buss thumped and Bella skid to a stop.

"I hit something!" She said. They all climbed outside to see what it was.

"You hit a Puppy!" Renesmee gasped.

The puppy then transformed into a person.

"JACOB!??" Everyone said.

"Yup." He stood up.

"JACKIE!" Renesmee ran at him and the two hugged.

"Child molester." Someone coughed.

"Why are you here?" Edward asked.

"Because, we have to fill out...our CENSUS!" Jacob declared.

"Oh god no!" T-Jeff said.

* * *

yes, that was retarded... .

review? :D


	68. Hey gurl

heeeello, im sick from school today and have nothin to do, so im updating! see, school isnt good for everything

* * *

The group was stopped at a truck stop. The humans were asleep and the vampires were out hunting.

Ron was the only one up on the Internet looking up stuff. A pop up flashed across the screen.

MALE ENHANCEMENT! YES? NO?

He looked around and clicked Yes.

"ME SO HORNY!" Blared on the small laptop speakers and a porn site popped up and a video started to play of a girl getting screwed.

"Make it stop! Make it stop!" Ron cried, banging on the keyboard to turn it off.

"AAAH!" Harry came charging into the room from the bunk beds with a mirror and threw it at the keyboard. Glass flew everywhere and the two started to scream. Renesmee came running into the room and pressed the off button on the keyboard. It turned off quickly and she closed the screen. She turned to Harry and Ron who were still crying and hit them, then walked back into the bunk beds.

"Renesmee, I accidentally soiled the sheets!" Jacob said. There was a muffled bang then everything was quiet.

Moments later, there was small knock on the door. Harry opened it.

"Yes?" He asked. Two teenage girls stood there in miniskirts and tube tops with nine inch heels.

"Prostitutes!" Ron said in the background.

"Please help us! We were kidnapped and sold as sex slaves!" One whispered, keeping her ugly pouting face.

"Why are you looking at me like that." Harry said.

"Because our pimp Romeoze is watching." The other whispered.

"Uh, come in?" Harry said and the two charged in.

"Quickly! Where is your phone?" They tore the bus apart looking for a phone. Ron pulled out a wad of cash and started to sort through it for ones.

"Ron, their prostitutes, not strippers." Harry said.

"Same thing right?" Ron asked.

Outside, the pimp Romeoze was watching.

"Why would Hannah Montana want prostitutes?" He asked his body guards.

"Maybe its for her dad." One said.

Inside the van, Poke appeared.

"What is going on here!" He demanded. The two girls looked scared.

"Don't worry girls, he's a meth/dope addict/alcoholic." Harry said. Ron was sitting down on a chair with a bunch of one dollar bills in hand.

"I'm ready!" He said.

"Boys, when you've partied like Poke has, you learn how to treat obvious police informants." Poke said. The two girls froze.

"We're sex slaves! We're both seventeen!" One said.

"A seventeen year old today wouldn't be caught dead wearing a lime green tube top with a red mini skirt and silver hooker boots, even hookers have a better fashion sense than that. What are you? A Christmas tree? And if you were seventeen, how come your boobs are sagging worse than long balloons five days after a birthday party, and I can see the veins on them, tip, were a bra please. And, I can see the ear bud in your ear that your using right now to talk to the police, plus, your shouting when you talk so they can hear you. Your trying to catch someone soliciting sex as well as catch the pimp dealing, so far not even truckers want you so you approach a tour buss full of kids." Poke explained.

"Wow Poke, your like, a Jedi." Harry said.

"Shut up Harry. What does Poke know? He worships a Flying Spaghetti Monster." Ron said, fanning himself with the money.

"Poke knows more than you!" Renesmee ran up to Ron and tackled him to the ground.

"Virginia is odd. We need to leave." Harry said to Poke.

"Lalala! HOOKERS!" Emmett said. Emmett, Edward, and Bella returned from the hunting trip.

"Harry let them in!" Poke said and ran away. Edward kicked them out then much to Emmett's dismay.

"What was going on here!" Edward demanded. He woke up all of the humans and sat them down.

"Why am I here?" T-Jeff asked, in his underwear.

"I'm sorry, go put some close on." Bella said.

"Nahhh." T-Jeff yawned.

There was a knock at the door. The two girls pimps, Romeoze, stood there.

"Hey, I herd you treated my girls unfairly..." He threateningly cracked his knuckles.

"They're informants." Poke slammed the door in his face.

"SAY WHATTT!" He yelled and took off.

"I wonder how everyone is back home?" Edward asked.

---back in Forks

Leah blinked and sat up.

"Heeyyy." Malfoy said next to her.

"AAAHHHHH-"

* * *

lolololololol

review, you know hoe much i love reviews


	69. Amish Suck

hey everyone, im updating :D

unfortunately, the "release date" for the movie has been postponed, i haven't been able to work on it in a while, life happened and personal business had to be taken care of

anyway, please read and review :)

* * *

The buss had been driving for a long time until it stopped suddenly on the side of a road.

"I think we're lost." Emmett pulled out the map to find out where they were.

"How can we be lost, you drove up from Virginia, so we should be in Nevada." Ron nodded.

Everyone turned to look at him for a second.

"We're in Pennsylvania." Edward said.

"LOOK! A HORSE!" Renemsee pointed outside. An Amish hose and buggie drove by the buss. The driver had a long beard and simple close. "Let's steal the horse!" Renesmee said.

"And eat it!" Emmett added.

Everyone looked at him for a second.

"That's an Amish man, leave him alone." Edward said.

"Let's follow him for directions!" Jacob jumped in the drivers seat and started to follow the Amish man.

"How will he know where to go? He's Amish." Bella crossed her arms.

"What's Amish?" Ron asked Renesmee.

"People who live like their in the 1800's on purpose." Renesmee explained.

"Sort of like what we do at Hogwarts?" Ron asked.

"Exactly." Renesmee said.

"OMGEE! I'M AMISH!" Ron ran into the back of the buss. The Amish man stopped the buggie and stepped out. Jacob stopped the bus. The man stared at him and Jacob stared back.

"What are you doing?" Emmett asked.

"Staring Contest. I'm wining." Jacob said.

"He wants to talk to you! Go out there!" Emmett said.

"No way! If he's from the 1800's then he thinks me, as a Native American, worship the devil and run around half naked!" Jacob said.

"You do." Edward reminded.

"I'll talk to him!" Hermione huffed and stomped out.

"Quickly, let's drive away." Renesmee said.

"Now, under normal circumstances I would, but, we need directions." Jacob said.

"Just use Google Maps!" Renesmee huffed. Hermione walked back over.

"He doesn't know either." She informed.

"Amish suck!" Emmett said.

"Emmett!" Bella gasped.

"What? They don't have the internet, they wont find out." Emmett said.

"Move over, I'm going to run him over!" Renesmee said.

* * *

short .

i just couldnt figure out how to continue with this so i ended it

REVIEW! :D


	70. Last Filler Chapter! Maybe! YAY!

um..okee ive had a hectic 24 hours and the only way to unwind is to write sum crack fanficz

read bitchez

lolzzzzzzz

z

* * *

The group found the high way and was driving.

Renesmee was with Hermione and they were playing checkers.

"I dont want to be the black ones, red is better, black sucks." Renesmee said.

"That's racist." Hermione said.

"Uh, how is that racist?" Renesmee said.

"Because you said that black sucks." Hermione said.

"HA! I was talking about CHECKERS! Not skin color! Your racist for thinking I was being racist!" Renesmee said.

"That's exactly what a person who is racist would say to deny it." Hermione said.

"MOM! Hermione said I'm racist because I said the black checkers suck! Is that true?" Renesmee asked Bella.

"They do suck." Emmett said in the background.

"No, Jacob is your best friend and he's Native American." Bella said.

"THAT'S WHAT A RACIST PERSON WOULD SAY TO DENY RACISM TOO!" Renesmee shouted.

"OMG I'M RACIST TOO!" Bella yelled.

"GET OUT OF MY MIND!" Renesmee shot Hermione in the head.

"Are you still going to play checkers?" Ron asked.

* * *

reviewz nowz?

yayz!

z


	71. Cannibals, Mutants, Ghost Trucks

ok, so i have been DYING to write this chapter since JANUARY. I found a video on youtube, here is a link:

http:/ www. youtube. com/watch?v=x5Vygs1Ff5I

(without all of the spaces)

of that doesnt work, type in clinton road new jersey and click on the first video called "Most Terrifying Places in America 2- Clinton Road"

here is my spoof

* * *

"I can't believe we are in New Jersey, ew." Emmett said.

"The GPS is telling me to go this way." Bella turned onto a creepy road called Clinton Road.

"This road gives me the creeps." Ron said, looking out the window, it was pitch black out.

"Hey, there's someone!" Hermione pointed to a person on the road, dressed in turn of the century dress, just staring at the buss drive by.

"I remember reading about this place, they say the road is haunted." Renesmee said.

"Probably just the locals messing with tourists, back on the reservation, the wolf pack used to dress up in scary Indian close and chase around teenagers in the woods." Jacob said.

"That was YOU!" Emmett gasped.

Behind them, headlights appeared and started to drive very close to the buss.

"I guess he wants to pass us." Bella said and slowed down, then the truck rammed them.

"Oh, IT IS ON!" Bella said and turned the buss around.

"This is why you never let women drive!" Snape started to cry.

"Snapple is right!" Edward was freaked out.

"It's The Phantom Truck!" Renesmee said.

"He's about to be when I'm through with him!" Bella growled and jumped out of the buss. The Phantom truck stopped and the headlights went out. Bella banged on the door.

"Hey buddy, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! You could have driven us off the road!" Bella yelled at the window.

"Sorry." A voice said inside.

"THAT'S RIGHT! We have CHILDREN in there! Where did you get your liscence!" Bella shrieked.

"I don't have one." The driver said.

"THEN GO GET ONE! And LEAVE US ALONE!" Bella kicked the truck so hard that the wheels flew off. She stomped back up to the buss and continued driving.

They came across trees laying on the road blocking them from going ahead.

"OH NOE! The CANNIBALS! Hurry and turn around!" Renesmee said.

"OMG! I LOVE HANNAH MONTANA!" A voice said outside.

"Oh great, the Cannibals love Hannah Montana." Dumbeldore said. Bella charged through the trees with the bus and they carried on.

"Great Suzie, you gave us away, AGAIN." A cannibal said to the one who screamed.

They came across a bridge when a little boy popped out and just stood there.

"Slow down! You'll run him over!" Jacob said.

"Then he needs to move because this road is RETARDED." Bella said and ran the boy over.

"Five points!" Harry said. They were driving for some time when all of a sudden an naked man covered in blood stepped in front of the road.

"Hey, I know him!" Harry said and Bella stopped. The head lights poured on him.

"Sirius!" Everyone said.

"Oh, hey guys! Can you let me in?" He called. He ran inside the buss.

"Sirius? Why are you here?" Dumbeldore asked.

"Well, I blacked out in Florida, and then I remember waking up in the middle of a forest and wandering around." He said.

"Naked?" Edward said.

"Yeah, The Mutants stole my close." Sirius said.

"Oh great, now there are mutants." Bella started to hit her head on the steering wheel.

"Yup, they are like the mutants from Wrong Turn, or a more commonly known horror movie, The Hills Have Eyes." Sirius said.

"Well put some god damn close on!" Snape hissed.

"Don't hate." Sirius said.

They continued to drive when the tires popped.

"It's the Mutants!" Sirius cried like a little girl.

"Or the tire popped, Emmett, go change it." Bella said.

"Ok, mom." He grumbled and left with a spare tire. He lift the bus up and found the tire that popped and started to take it out. There were footsteps and a mutant hit him over the head with a tree branch. The branch shattered and did nothing to Emmett. Emmett turned and looked at him.

"Can I help you?" He asked.

"Uh, Why didn't you get knocked out?" The Mutant asked.

"Because I'm a vampire." Emmett said.

"OK, I'm a mutant, you expect me to believe that your a vampire?" He frowned. Emmett quickly changed the tire, and sat the buss down, then grabbed the Mutant and chucked him into the woods.

"Some inbred tried to kidnap me but it's all good." Emmett said as he walked back into the buss.

"See, I told you." Sirius said. They drove for the remainder of the way when someone stopped them. It was a man in a robe.

"Do you have any goats blood? Me and the fellow Satanists are worshiping the Lord Lucifer, and we forgot the goat." The man said as if it happened often.

"Sure!" Snape handed him a small vial of goats blood.

"OK, that road is weird." Edward said.

"You know what's weird, I killed Miley Cyrus and hid her in the closet and now she's gone." Renesmee said.

Out on the road, Miley Cyrus the Zombie crept through the woods.

"I LOVE HANNAH MONTANA!" The Cannibals ambushed her and started to eat her.

* * *

end of chappie! :D

so anyway, there ya go...

i have never been on clinton road on the account im in missouri and cant drive

review?


	72. THPTCOEver! Movie 2 sneakepeakie 2

ok everyone, after that mess, lets continue with our story :)

here is a second sneakie-peakie to the movie

* * *

Carlisle, Edward, and Jacob were outside a Hollywood set.

"Hokie the Chinchilla and his band of Happy Animals." Carlisle read the brochure.

"OK, I'm ready." Emmett appeared with gelled over hair and sunglasses.

"What are you wearing?" Edward asked.

"I decided to dress a little expensive, I might get discovered." Emmett posed.

"By who? Rupert the Gay Genie?" Edward threw back.

"No...maybe." Emmett said.

"Everyone shut up and lets go." Carlisle said and opened the door to the set.

"And then we all had fun!" A person in a chinchilla outfit said.

"Did someone say, fun!" A green bear appeared on disco roller skates and started to dance to techno.

"Cut!" The director called. "Everyone take five!" He said. The bear skated over to the doughnut table.

"Amerina?" The four started to poke around for Amerina. Emmett walked over to the doughnut table and started to pocket them.

"Hey, these are for the actors only!" The green bear said.

"Who are you?" Emmett asked.

"Emmett?" She said.

"No, you can't be Emmett, I'm Emmett." Emmett said.

"No idiot, it's me, Amerina!" The green bear took of it's head to reveal Amerina under the suite.

"Amerina!" Emmett said. Carlisle, Edward, and Jacob ran over.

"Oh great you brought the Sparkle Gang." Amerina sighed.

"It's Poke! He disappeared and a ghost has told us to look for him!" Emmett explained.

* * *

hope you enjoyed the sneakie-peakie :D

reviews now?


	73. The Grammar Nazi's Holocaust

well every1 i didnt have a sucky bday as depicted, i went shopping, went swimming, went shopping again, got in car crash, got a ride home in a police car, freaked out dad, went swimming again, went home had cake and bbq.

now that new flame just came along at the right moment for this chapter, i didnt write this as a response to the troll, i actually typed this up before xD

read pwease

* * *

"YOU ARE THE THUNDER AND I AM THE LIGHTNING!" Sirius was singing along to a Selina Gomez song on the radio.

"Look at all these CD's!" Renesmee and Ron were rummaging through the closet. Renesmee reached for the tape and a video tape bounced down and hit her.

"Is this a cake?" Ron grabbed it and chewed on it.

"No, it's a Video Tape." Renesmee turned it over. She bulldozed past Hermione and Bella and put in the video into the VCR.

"Who uses a VCR?" Bella asked. Renesmee played the tape.

In a few seconds everyone was staring in horror.

"We just found...MILEY CYRUS' SEX TAPE!" Renesmee bellowed.

"Shut up! I'm trying to rock out!" Sirius said from the radio.

At that moment, a small orange tank slammed into the buss from behind.

"Save the tape!" Renesmee dove for the tape and protected it.

"Who is hitting us?" Edward looked at the rear view mirror.

"OH NO!" He screamed and the buss hit a guard rail and flew off the highway. The buss rolled and landed on it's wheels in a ditch.

"Good thing I was wearing my seat belt!" Emmett said.

"Shut up Emmett." Edward sighed.

The orange tank rolled down and came to a stop in front of them.

"So, back for more?" A familiar voice said, a blond haired man, a brown haired man, a black haired man, and a red haired man got out of the tank.

They wore Nazi uniforms but instead of a swastika, there was a G on their arm band.

"No...not the...GRAMMAR NAZI'S!" Ron screamed inside.

"Shut up Ron." Harry sighed.

"There should be a comma after Shut up!" Blond said.

"YOU BETTER HAVE SOME INSURANCE!" Bella ran out of the buss, and had her drivers license out and insurance cards, her phone ready to dial 911.

"Uh, we pushed you off the road." Red said.

"Then I'll see you in Court! Where are we anyway?" She looked around.

"Still in New Jersey, Pumpkin!" Eward called.

"Grammar Nazi Youth! Attack!" Blond ordered. Little children in matching uniforms came out of the tank and captured every one in the buss.

"You know, we're vampires, and you guys are wizards, you'd think we wouldn't get caught." Emmett thought out loud. They were all tied sitting down in a circle.

"Now, Grammar-Nazi-Hitler!" The Grammar-Nazi's stepped aside and a man who looked like Hitler stepped up.

"Die Zeit ist gekommen, die Grammatik-idioten zu töten, und die Grammatik-massenvernichtung anzufangen!" He said.

"What did he say?" Ron asked.

"Hold on!" Dumbeldore had a German-English dictionary and was searching through the pages.

"We're going to kill you in the Grammar-Holocaust." Brunette said.

"Hey! Get away from there!" The police arrived and surrounded the Grammar-Nazi's.

"Ack! Foiled again!" Black-Hair said.

"Wir werden zurückkehren und werden die Grammatik-massenvernichtung anfangen!" Grammar-Hitler said.

"Shut up Derald, your not fooling anyone." Blond said as they were all shoved into the back of the police cars.

"Are you guys alright?" One of the Police officers asked.

"Yeah, hold on!" Renesmee ran into the buss.

"NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She cried.

On the ground was a smashed video tape of Miley Cyrus getting freaky with some guy.

"I herd a Darth Vader NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO, what happened?" Emmett popped inside.

* * *

yup, well, i must go now

adventure awaits :3 and the hot life guard at the public pool

tootles (leave a review! :D)


	74. wtf is going on?

hey guys, did ya like the harry potter sneak peek on the mtv movie awards?

i didnt catch the eclipse sneak peek b/c i fell asleep (then my friends decided to draw on my face)

so here is the chappie :3

* * *

The buss was caught in traffic.

Snape walked out of the bed room and placed his cell phone on the table.

"What's up Snapple?" Edward asked.

"...I don't feel like Twittering any more." He whispered.

"OH NO! WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO!" Renemsee yelled.

"Why?" Harry asked.

"Because it got old." Snape said.

"Did you have nothing to Twitter about?" Sirius asked, brushing his hair while Jacob looked at him and started to cry. "What's with him?" Sirius asked.

"You guys have the same last name and can turn into wolves." Ron reminded him.

"Oh, well cheer up, I'm not Gay." Sirius patted Jacob on the back.

"I'm not Gay! I'm with Nessie!" Jacob said.

"So your a child molester?" Sirius said slowly.

"You know what's booty, how our stupid movie won every MTV movie award it was nominated in." Emmett said from the driver's seat.

"I thought I was driving." Bella said, confused.

"Anyway, Snap-Crackle-Pop," Renesmee turned to Snape, "you not being addicted to Twitter is like...me not killing Hermione." Renesmee said, Hermione next to her, face down in a bowl of cereal.

"HOW COME YOU GUYS ALWAYS GET MY NAME WRONG! IT'S SNAPE!" Snape yelled.

"Really! I thought it was Snake!" Jacob said.

"No, I'm not a Naruto Character." Snape said.

"Oh snap, did we just do a Naruto reference? I'm afraid we did." Emmett said.

"Wait, where is Poke?" Renesmee asked.

"NO! THIS WILL REMAIN A HARRY POTTER CHAPTER!" Harry said.

"Okay, sheesh." Renesmee grumbled.

"You know what everyone, I'm awesome." Sirius said.

"How come you had to go an die?" Harry started to cry.

"I'm dead!" Sirius stood up.

"I LOVE YOU SIRIUS!" Lupin appeared out of no where with Tonks.

"LET'S HAVE A THREESOME WITH TONKS, AND I MEAN JUST ME!" Sirius yelled and tackled Tonks.

"Wait, what?" Lupin asked.

"Sirius, hello, are you there?" Harry waved a hand in front of Sirius who had just dozed off.

"What? Yeah, SIRIUS IS ALWAYS THERE!" Sirius stood up.

"Dammit, Poke! Did you dive him drugs!" Renesmee yelled.

"Maybe." A muffled voice said. Everyone looked around.

"It came from Hermione!" Ron dove over to Hermione.

"AHH!" Hermione stood up and ripper her hair off to reveal Poke.

"Poke! You have boobies!" Edward said.

"Lucky!" Emmett added.

"They're oranges." Poke said and the oranges fell out and rolled on the ground.

"Why are you disguised as Hermione?" Ron asked, disturbed.

"It was the perfect crime!" Poke said.

"So where is Hermione?" Ron asked.

"Viktor-Crumblycake came by and took her away." Poke said.

"WHAT!" Ron yelled.

With Hermione...

"Here is some tea!" Victor Krum handed Hermione tea. She was tied to a chair.

"I'd like to go home now." She whimpered.

* * *

i wanted to make the chapter longer so i started to ramble on there for a moment :)

reviews maybe?


	75. help please?

oh em gee!

im alive!

sorry about the long wait, folks, i was frolicking in the woods. rly, me and my friends and our 18 yr old supervisor went on a float trip and we got lost... and no one looked for us! good thing the serial killer didnt find us...i think i successfully deterred him...

**HELP WANTED! READ BELOW!**

also, im makin a Tonks dress up for DeviantART :D i (had my dad) bought a very expensive flash program to makes the dress ups.

but im kind stuck and could use sum help. the program i got is flash pro CS5, and i cant figure out how to make the close move (in case your wondering, im using action scrip 3.0), all the codes i've found are for flash pro CS3, flash pro 8, or micromedia :( and trying to write the action scrip me-self is hard and confusing cause im not a computer wiz.

so if anyone can help me out or has knowledge, please help my noob-ness, and send me an im, or review telling me where i can find the codes, how to use them right, or just tell me the codes. and pls dumb down the instructions as much as possible, i wants to make my dress up :3

READ!

* * *

"SHIT! WHERE ARE WE!" Harry yelled out the window.

"I turned us around! We're going to find Hermione!" Poke said, his face pressed against the glass as he drove.

"Why?" Ron frowned.

"Because (the author is trying to extend the story with crappy filler chapters so she has more time to type up the movie) I WANT TO!" Poke said.

"I want to see a Tonks dress up, but they're aren't any!" Renesmee was clicking furiously through DeviatART.

"Just scroll up readers, and read the help wanted section, and that could easily be fixed." Bella said. Renesmee started to sob. "Huh? Do you want Renesmee to cry! Well, I hope you feel good about your self!" Bella yelled and ran into the bathroom.

Poke stopped the buss next to a gas station.

"Excuse me fine, sir, where are we?" Poke asked a worker.

"Florida." He said.

"Where's the Beach!" Poke looked around.

"Well, your in the ever glades." He said.

"That explains the quick sand." Poke turned to the buss that was slowly descending into the mud.

"AHHHHH!" Everyone screamed inside the buss. They were trapped inside, and the muck swallowed them whole.

"No! They're dead! THEY ARE ALL DEAD! NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!" Poke fell to his knees.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Darth Vader counter no-ed.

"Bitch, don't try to out No me!" Poke pimp slapped Darth Vader.

Cold water dumped all over Poke who jolted awake.

In actuality, he was asleep, lying on his back in the middle of a hot asphalt road.

"Whoa! Are we in Florida?" Poke asked.

"He's alive! Snape, but your butcher kit away." Edward said.

"Awwww." Snape walked back into the buss.

"What, happened?" Poke sat up.

"We crashed after you revealed you sold Hermione off to Victor Krum because no one was driving the buss, no one was hurt, but you went to the hospital for a concussion, where they jacked you up on morphine. You, being a frequent drug user, tripped out and ran away." Edward explained.

"Oh...that sounds about right." Poke blinked.

"We're in Upstate New York, so-"

"Oh my God! It's a Bigfoot!" Emmett yelled inside the boat as a person in a cheaply made Bigfoot costume walked across the street.

"But if the buss crashed, what boat do we have now?" Poke asked.

"A Dave Matthews Band Buss! That runs on our pee!" Edward said.

"It's environmentally safe." Renesmee added.

* * *

yes..yes..another filler chapter, but poke's parenthesis sentence was a little correct

so did ya read the help wanted section? go back and read it...or no more updates


	76. ends nows!

omg! shes UPDATING!

i finished my tonks dress up and uploaded its to deviant art, my id is the same as my FF name (im so creative!) here is a link:

http:/ gemini53095. deviantart. com/#/d2sxa7o

with out all of the spaces of coarse

reads nows?

* * *

"Ok, so the map made us turn ALL the way around!" Edward read frustratingly off a piece of paper.

"Or, maybe it was...magic." Sirius said.

They stopped at a beach.

"So, now we are in New Jersey?" Edward said.

"SWIMMING!" Harry and Ron shot out of the buss and toward the beach in swim trunks.

"I WANT TO GO!" Sirius followed. The Cullens stepped outside. A bunch of meat heads (who happened to be Italian) walked by.

"Omg Emmett! I think we found your family!" Renesmee said. Emmett's head turned slowly towards the meat heads.

"Ey, yo, what you lookin at!" One snapped.

"Brother!" Emmett gasped.

"Ey, wait a sec...YO! It's EMMETT!" The person gasped.

"How can that be possible? Emmett's family is dead!" Bella frowned.

"In this FanFic, they are." Renesmee said.

"Look what I found!" Poke held up a tiny baby.

"Poke! Put that back! It doesn't belong to you!" Hermione said.

"But, I was going to give it to Rosalie." Poke frowned.

"Then give it to Emmett." Edward said. They turned to where Emmett had been standing. Emmett was suddenly tan and had his hair jelled back.

"Um...I'm scared." He said.

"But me down you idiot!" The baby said. Everyone jumped. "Well, at least your not a bunch of N-"

"Nessie!" Jacob bounded out of the buss.

"Oh great, an Indian." The baby growled.

"Uh, how can you talk?" Poke asked.

"Well, you Jew-scum, I'm not a baby, I'm a midget!" The baby/midget said.

"Awww, and she's antisemitic! Can we keep her ma?" Renesmee turned to Bella.

"No." Bella said. Renesmee turned to Edward.

"No." Edward said. She turned to Jacob.

"Sure!" Jacob said. The Midget bit down on Poke's hand.

"OWWWWWWWW!" He cursed and threw her across the beach. "And for your information...I'm a PASTAFARIAN!" Poke shook his bleeding fist at the midget.

"THE ENDS NOWS!" Sirius said, then belly flopped on top of a sand castle.

* * *

yeah...i wanted to make it longer, but, im kinda stuck T_T

last filler chapter hopefully, i still need to finish the movie...

reviews nows


	77. the Jackelope

updatin again, needs REVIEWS!

* * *

"In other news, a band of Jack Rabbits from the zoo has escaped from their pen. Zoo authorities are looking for the Jack Rabbits to keep them from breeding with regular rabbits." The news caster said.

"Hey! Who's Patronus is a Rabbit?" Ron asked through a mouth of cornflakes. The group stopped at a motel and the buss was parked outside.

"I think it was Luna's, and it was bunny." Hermione said.

"Same thing." Ron said.

"No, a bunny is a domestic-"

"Stop arguing about bunnies and rabbits! I'm trying to get laid!" Edward yelled from the room next to theirs.

"What is the difference?" Bella asked.

"Like it matters." Edward said.

"No! Now I'm curious!" Bella said.

Outside, Emmett, Poke, Jacob, and Sirius were getting ready for a night out on the town.

"Alright everyone, I must warn you, to party with the Poke you must be able to handle anything." Poke warned.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm and immortal vampire, Jacob is a werewolf, and Sirius is a wizard, I'm sure we can take it." Emmett said.

"Alright, I warned ya." Poke shook his head.

Five hours later...

"Whahahha!" Emmett was crying on the ground at a Strip Club. Sirius was sitting bolt upright as a Stripper gave him a lap dance. Jacob was sitting in the corner rocking back and forth.

Poke was dancing with a Stripper.

"Yeah! Shake what ya momma gave ya!" Poke said, throwing money in the air.

"Poke, let's go, Emmett is crying and Jacob has gone catatonic." Sirius said.

"Aw, ok, hey, are you gay?" Poke asked Sirius.

"No." Sirius said.

"Yes you are! Gay." Poke giggled like a little girl and bounded away.

The four were walking down the middle of the street back to the motel.

Poke was sipping on vodka and absinthe (NEVER DO THAT!) and singing show tunes. He stopped dead in his tracks and gasped.

A few feet away was a jack rabbit from the zoo.

"Bunny!" Jacob said.

"Don't you see it?" Poke said.

"Yeah, one of the escaped Jack Rabbits." Emmett said.

"No! It's...a JACKELOPE!" Poke said. In Poke's vision he saw the Jack Rabbit with antlers like a deers.

"A What?" Sirius asked.

"Like from that one Scooby Doo with aliens that looked like the broccoli monsters from Power Puff Girls?" Emmett asked. Everyone looked at him like, wtf?

"It's the mythological creature from Native American lore!" Poke crouched down next to the "Jackelope" and started to pet it. The Jack Rabbit hopped forward.

"CAR!" Jacob grabbed Poke and pulled him in time away from the Rabbit as a car came speeding through, unfortunately, the rabbit was not as lucky.

"THE JACKELOPE!" Poke started to sob. Another Jack Rabbit hopped out of the darkness. "Hey! There's another one!" Poke picked up the rabbit, which, in his mind, had antlers. He ran away back to the motel to show everyone.

"Hey! Look! I've found a Jackelope!" Poke said as he stormed into Bella and Edward's room.

"AAAHHH!" Bella screamed and ran into the bathroom.

"You bastard! I just got her to stop obsessing over the difference between a Rabbit and a Bunny!" Edward threw a pillow at him.

"I always wondered what was the difference too!" Emmett panted as the other three caught up.

"A BUNNY!" Renesmee ran into the room and took the Jack Rabbit.

"That's not a bunny! That's a Jackelope!" Poke informed.

"There's no such thing as a Jackelope!" Hermione said in the distance.

* * *

this chappie was pretty good :D

reviews?


	78. Gay Vortex

the jackelope chappie was very random, and i hope to end this suckish filler chapter cycle, so im not going to go to 100 chapters on this one, probably just 80 xD

so, i hope to have the movie be the 80th chapter and will probably be posted by the end of august (when i start school)

part 3? probably not...but hey, its to early to tell :)

* * *

The buss pulled to a stop in Times Square.

"WOW! About time we arrived in New York City!" Emmett gaped outside at the busy city.

"C'mon, Renesmee and I are going to the pharmacy to get her some allergy medicine." Bella said as the two left.

"I'll come with!" Poke followed them out the door.

"What should we do?" Ron asked Harry.

"I don't know, want to fly around on our broom sticks?" He asked.

"Ew." Emmett said from the front.

"Sure!" Ron said and the two left with their brooms. Hermione started longingly outside.

"I wish I could go to a party." She said. No one answered. "I wish-"

"We herd you Hermione. It's not like you could get in anyway." Edward said.

"Not when you have...ME!" Jacob said. Everyone turned to him. "I'm a liscenced Hair Dresser and make up artist!" He said and produced two pieces cardboard with crayon on it saying 'Hair Dresser' and 'Makeup Aritist.'

"I always knew you were gay." Sirius said.

* * *

Bella, Poke, and Renesmee arrived at the Pharmacy.

"Excuse me, do you have any Benadryl?" Bella asked the man at the counter. He was a 16 year old intern.

"Yes ma'am, but you need a subscription for it." He said.

"Why?" Bella asked.

"Because Benadryl is an ingredient in meth." The intern informed.

"Look, it's for my daughter's allergies. Do I look like a meth addict?" Bella asked. The intern blinked then thought for a moment.

"Do you honestly want me to answer that question?" He asked.

"Poke, is a meth addict! And look at him! He's sexy!" Bella pointed to Poke who was looking at pain killers.

"Why thank you Bella, but I'm a dope addict." He said.

"Ma'am, I'm not gay." He said. Renesmee tackled the man over the counter and stole the medicine and ran out of the pharmacy.

"RUN!" She screamed as she ran out of the store.

"You see that allot these days, little girls stealing from stores to save money. Just call State Farm to save-" The State Farm guy who stalks people in the car insurance commercials was walking out side the store, he was interrupted as Renesmee pushed him to the ground.

* * *

Harry and Ron were racing around the skyscrapers as night fell upon the city.

"AH! I think I just swallowed a bug!" Ron yelled.

"RON! MOVE!" Harry yelled as he swerved out of the way of the Statue of Liberty.

"WHAT!"Ron shouted over the roar of the wind but slammed into the Statue of Liberty's torch.

"Dumbass." Harry muttered

* * *

"Viola!" Jacob threw back the blanket over Hermione and spun her around. She had on blue lipstick with bright red eye shadow and green eyeliner brushed out to her ears with silver blush. Her hair was wrapped around small iron rings so her hair looked like a slinky. She wore a clear plastic shirt with a purple bra on, blue daisy dukes, black and white stripped stockings with red pumps.

"She looks like an alien prostitute." Edward said while Emmett and Sirius were laughing and taking pictures.

"No! She's supposed to be Lady Gaga! Her look is all the rage now." Jacob said.

"I don't know if this is fashionable Jacob." Hermione said.

"Is so, your a wizard, you you wouldn't know about normal fashion trends." Jacob said.

"I'm muggle born! My parents are Dentists!" Hermione said.

"I don't care where your from, what kind of country is Muggle?" Jacob asked.

"I'll go look for it on the Poke-Globe!" Emmett left to search the buss.

"Muggle isn't a country, right Sirius?" Hermione turned to Sirius who was admiring Edward's butt.

"Nice butt Edward..." Sirius purred and Edward scooted his seat away from Sirius an inch.

"Well, let's go out on the town." Jacob towed Hermione out of the buss.

* * *

Edward, Sirius, and Emmett were in the park tossing a Frisbee.

"Isn't this dangerous to be throwing a Frisbee at night? What if a guy tries to rape us?" Emmett asked.

"I hope so!" Sirius said.

"What happened to you! Before you were a ladies man now your being a creeper!" Edward said.

"Don't fight your gayness!" Sirius hugged Edward and the two started to make out.

"Oh my." Emmett said as he watched. He tilted his head to one side in confusion.

"EMMETT!" Renesmee yelled, running at him.

"Mommy!" Emmett spun around. Renesmee skidded to a stop in front of Emmett. She looked down at Edward and Sirius and titled her head to one side.

Bella and Poke caught up and stopped. Bella stopped gracefully but Poke lost his balance and fell on top of Edward and Sirius.

"The more the merrier!" Sirius said and Poke was swept up in the gay vortex.

"AH! HELP!" Poke screamed.

"EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN!" Bella said.

"I just crapped my pants and she's not mad at me!" Emmett said.

"Bella! Help! He rape-kissed me!" Edward said. Bella pulled him out of the gay vortex.

"You that allot these days, guys cheating on their wife to save money-" The state farm guy reappeared.

"The STATE FARM GUY! HE'S STALKING US!" Renesmee yelled and ran off to the buss, followed by Edward, Bella, Emmett, Sirius, and Poke.

* * *

"Next." A bouncer for the night club said. Hermione and Jacob stepped up. The bouncer looked at Hermione.

"Ok, you can get in." He said the Hermione.

"What! Her!" Jacob said.

"Yeah, she has that Lady Gaga look going on." The bouncer said.

"Cool!" She said.

"Wait, ID." He held his hand out to her.

"Oh, I'm not 21." She said.

"No ID, no entry." He said and the two were denied.

"It's OK Hermione, I'll see if Poke will let us borrow his fake ID." Jacob patted her back. The two were walking down the street back to the buss.

"Give me your wallet!" A man jumped out from behind an alley way.

"AH! TAKE HER!" Jacob shoved Hermione at the man and ran down the street screaming for help from Spiderman and the Fantastic 4.

* * *

"New York is weird, let's go to St. Louis." Poke said as the group filed into the buss.

"You guys left us behind." Dumbeldore sniffed with Snape.

"Trust me, you did not want to come along." Emmett sat down.

Jacob ran into the buss.

"Where's Hermione?" Ron asked, the two had returned earlier that day.

"I threw her at a mugger." He said.

"That reminds me!" Emmett found the Poke-Globe and pointed to a tiny island. "See? Muggle is a country, it's right next to Narnia." Emmett said.

* * *

that was pretty long :D

i have never been to New York city, but i want to one day :D

reviews? :3


	79. West Side Stoy, WTF

some of you are probably wondering, how would you know that benadryl is an ingredient in meth? calm down, im not a meth dealer, benadryl is the medicine i use if i get allergies (they randomly show up every year or so) and last year the medicine man told me i needed a subscription. i didnt steal from him, i went out and got a subscription xD thats how i know

READ DAMMIT!

* * *

"We should go see a Broadway play!" Sirius burst out randomly while the harry potter pals were searching for a cheap plane ticket.

"No." Edward said.

"Yes! I've always wanted to see one!" Bella said.

"Not me." Edward grumbled.

"Let them go, I'm thirsty, we can go hunting." Emmett said.

"Alright." Edward grumbled.

Sirius, Bella, Renesmee, and Jacob left to go see a play, while Edward and Emmett left to go hunt, followed by Poke who wanted to film it.

"West Side Story, what's it about?" Sirius asked as they sat down in their seats.

"Gang members in New York City." Bella whispered back.

"Ooh! Is it scary?" Sirius asked.

"No, it's a bunch or Peurto Ricans and White Guys jumping around snapping and dancing." Jacob grumbled.

"That doesn't sound bad!" Sirius said.

**Line Break**

Emmett, Poke, and Edward were walking in the Bronx.

"I think we're lost." Edward looked around.

"Nope, we're in the Bronx! I wonder if we'll see Jenifer Lopez?" Poke looked around.

"Hey, yo, white boys, give us yo money!" A bunch of gang members descended upon them.

"Eep!" Poke whimpered.

There was a bunch of snapping and Peurto Rican gang members appeared. They started to jump around the place.

"Hey, yo, it's those fruit cake gang members!" One said.

"Hey, yo, I like yo dancin, we're you go to learn that? My boy Jaquarin will hook you up!" Another said.

"Man, let's get out of here!" The leader said and they pranced away.

"Maria! What are you doing with the Jets?" One of the Peurto Ricans asked Poke.

"Huh?" Poke asked.

"Come, Maria! You must work at the sewing store!" He said and dragged Poke away.

"Emmett! Edward! Help! I don't know how to sew!" Poke yelled.

"You want to go help him?" Edward asked.

"Nah." Emmett said, and they left.

**Line Break**

"That was AMAZING!" Sirius started to dance and snap.

"OK, stop." Jacob looked around.

"It was OK, Maria looked like a dike." Renesmee shrugged.

"HEY! LOOK! UGLY BETTY!" Bella took off after a girl she thought was Ugly Betty.

Renesmee and Jacob chased her while Sirius pranced after them snapping.

**Line Break**

"Ah-ha! I got the ticket!" Snape said and pointed to his computer screen.

"Ah, Priceline, did the negotiator help you?" Dumbeldore asked.

"Uh, who?" Snape asked.

Emmett and Edward returned.

"Where's Poke?" Harry asked.

"He got dragged away by dancing Puerto Ricans." Edward asked.

"That fat chick was rude in telling me she wasn't Ugly Betty." Bella grumbled as she got on the buss.

"I have perfected my moves!" Sirius said and started to dance.

"Well, good news! We've found cheap plane tickets to London!" Snape announced.

"AWWW!" Harry and Ron said.

"Good, this story is getting old!" Emmett said.

**With Poke...**

"Maria, you are not sewing right!" Anita said to Poke.

"Because I love Tony!" Poke said then passed out from drinking to much.

* * *

im sure you are all familiar with West Side Story?

good,

REVIEW DAMMIT


	80. The Last Chapter before movie duh

LOL

Gemini, where have you been?

PLACES

oh yes, LE MOVIE!

postponed due to lazyness

(person with common sense: your just making up excuses not to work on the movie!)

ps. and writers block, if u want a funny and good ending, youll give me my space

**LINE BREAK**

"Hi everyone, I'm Poke-alitious, Poke." Poke said. He was wearing a fancy suite and had a pipe. "As you know, I am the author's OC, yes, I think she has brain damage too." He put the pipe in his mouth and blew, and bubbles blew out.

"It has been over three years since TUHPTCO, and it's squeal, has been put on . We've faced several flame wars, one infamous copycat (you know the one), long term gaps of no uploading, and very bad chapters. But, through it all, we've done it." Poke said.

"WHOOOO!" Renesmee ran through the room, red, white, and blue balloons burst out from the ceiling and bounced around.

"Alright...anyway...we just want to take a moment and thank you, the readers." Poke said and started to cry.

T-Jeff and Ivan the Terrible came out and hugged Poke.

"But, due to unfortunate circumstances, there will be no Part 3." Poke sobbed.

"WHAT!" Renesmee ran back into the room.

"We've been canceled! NOOOOOOO!" Emmett fell down from the ceiling.

"This is retarded. I'll be in my trailer." Voldemort stomped away.

"Due to lack of reviews, slack hits, and the author constantly running into writers block, she has decided to put us to rest." Poke said.

"They took my trailer away!" Voldemort yelled distantly.

"Why?" Renesmee sobbed.

"Because she doesn't want this fic to turn into what Family Guy and the Simpson's has turned into, duh." Poke bitch slapped Renesmee. Everyone stared at their feet and cried.

"Wait! We still get our movie right?" Emmett asked and Poke nodded. "YAY!" Emmett skipped away.

"BUT!" Poke jumped, then turned to the screen. "The fabulous author, is going to turn us into flash movies!" Poke cheered.

"WHOOO!" Renesmee cheered and ran off.

End.!

* * *

yeah, u read it correctly.

review.? :D (your opinion pls)


	81. Unfinsihed Late Movie LOL

Poke was asleep on a bunk bed. He crawled out from under his covers silently and grabbed a knapsack from under the bed.

"Maria?" A woman clicked the lights on.

"My name is not Maria! IT'S-!" Poke shouted out his real name but it wasn't herd since Poke smashed a pan over the woman's head. "K THNX BAI." He said and bounded out of the window.

He made it to the New York city streets and started to skip.

A black car pulled up along side him. Thugs burst out and grabbed him.

"Am I in the Mediator!" He gasped as he was thrown inside and the car sped away.

Two bums were sitting on the curb.

"Did you see that?" One asked another.

"Yeah, that Puerto Rican chick just got kidnapped." Another said.

"MARIA!" A Puerto Rican bounded and leaped down the street, snapping their fingers.

* * *

**The Ultimate Harry Potter Twilight CrossOver! Part 2**

**MOVEH TOO**

**(yes I know it's wrong)**

**a word in: the sneak peaks you read before, were from the first version of the movie.**

**I scrapped that version, because, i hated it. I initially wrote out a plot, and found my randomness **

**to be lacking, so, Im rewriting it as I go. I'll post the first version (incomplete) later**

**

* * *

**"Want to color?" Jacob asked Renesmee.

It was a fresh summer morning, Bella was painting out on the patio, Emmett was playing Frisbee with Jasper, and Rosalie was working on her tan.

"No." Renesmee chucked her crayola crayons across the lawn.

"OW!" Emmett yelled.

"What do you want to do?" Jacob asked.

"I want to get into shenanigans with Poke!" Renesmee crossed her arms.

"Nessie, I hardly think that is appropriate! First off, he's like, 15 and your...uh..." Jacob scratched his head.

"She's two!" Bella said.

"Yeah, how do you know?" Jacob called.

"I'd think I would remember the day a baby was ripped out of my stomach like a freakin alien." Bella said.

"True." Jacob nodded.

"Why did we have to leave Poke behind in New York?" Renesmee pouted.

"Because...uh..." Jacob scratched his head.

"Because it was funny!" Emmett yelled.

"But what if he's hurt?" Renesmee pouted even more, her big brown eyes growing to the size of dish plates.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww." Jacob melted like butter.

"He's not hurt, he's fine, he is Poke after all." Bella reassured her daughter.

* * *

"Poke?" A mechanical voice asked.

Poke was tied up in a basement, blindfolded and his wrists tied to his feet.

"Yeah. Please, no rape!" Poke threw his butt up.

"Uh...ok...anyway, do you recognize my voice?" The mysterious person asked.

"Art teacher!" Poke gasped and his butt deflated.

"No I'm not your god damn art teacher, what the fuck! It's...ME!" The person pulled off their mask to reveal Voldemort.

"I can't see." Poke said. Two thugs removed the blindfold."Much better, CUPCAKE GUY!" Poke gasped.

"No dammit! I am the great Lord Voldemort! The greatest wizard of all time, it was I who-"

"Can I have a cupcake? Without the rat poison?" Poke interrupted Voldemort.

"Why you, AVEDA-! Wait, I need you." Voldemort said.

"Then take me you stud!" Poke threw his butt back out.

"Not like that you-! I mean, I need you to test my newest Killer Cupcake!" Voldemort said.

"Will it kill me?" Poke asked.

"There is a strong possibility." Voldemort cackled.

"Oh, well, it's not like my friends will care! They left me in New York to die!" Poke started to cob dramatically.

"Oh, your character is Emo in the movie now?" Voldemort frowned.

"Hold on, I don't like that line." Poke had the script out with a highlighter. A few producers were standing around him. "Now, do I have to be so GAY, with out any action?" Poke asked.

"LET'S JUST GET ON WITH THE SCENE!" Voldemort slammed his fist on the table. The producers left and Poke returned to being tied up.

"MWAHAHAHAHA!" Voldemort finished the scene with dramatic laughter.

* * *

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Sirius, Dumbeldore, and Snape were on a plane.

"To the passenger that cursed me out, fuck you." A voice rang on the intercom. An airline steward bonded out of the plane.

"Good job Hermione, you pissed off another steward." Harry bitch slapped Hermione.

"When is this thing going to leave?" Snape asked. Sirius was sitting next to him playing Sudoku.

The plane started to pull away and was soon flying over the Atlantic.

Dumbeldore was asleep, Hermione watching the in flight movie, Harry and Ron were playing chess, and Snape and Sirius were flaying UNO.

Ron paused and realized he was loosing, then threw the board across the plane.

"I hate that game." He growled.

"Shut up Ron." Harry sighed.

"UNO!" Sirius slammed his hand on card.

"It's UNO, not slap jack!" Snape snapped.

"I still won." Sirius said. The plane jolted forward then.

"I'm sorry folks, just a little turbulence." The Captain said on the intercom.

"STOP TRYING TO SUCK MY DICK!" The Captain suddenly yelled.

"You know you want it!" The Co-Pilot said.

"Lucky Devils!" Dumbeldore chimed in. The plane started to somersault and do loop-di-loops.

"WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST!" Sirius shoved a little girl out of the way, stole the parachute and jumped out of the plane. The plan jolted forward and shuttered to a controlled stop.

"Alright passengers, I have successfully killed the Co-Pilot, and we should be in London in a few hours. Enjoy the rest of your flight." The Pilot said over the intercom and all was normal.

* * *

It was dark out. Renesmee was asleep in her bed and could hear muffled thumps from her parents room. She got up and placed a note on her dresser and grabbed a nap sack with her trusty shot gun.

She crept outside slowly and broke into the garage.

She was making her way toward Edward's Volvo when she tripped over someone and slammed into the ground loudly.

"WHAT WAS THAT!" Emmett called somewhere upstairs.

"Sh-"

"Nessie?" A voice asked. Renesmee scrambled and flipped the switch on. Seth blinked back at her.

"Seth?" Renesmee hissed.

"Hey! Shut up!" Leah poked her head up. Seth eyed Renesmee's knapsack.

"Where are you going?" He inquired.

"No where." Renesmee growled.

"I'll go check! Ooh! A penny!" Emmett said from inside the house. Renesmee sighed.

"Alright, I'm going to New York to rescue Poke, can you drive?" Renesmee asked, nodding toward the Volvo.

"Sure!" He said and ripped the Volvo's door off of it's hinges.

"Hey, I'm trying to sleep!" Jacob growled as the three filed inside.

"Shut up, we're going on a road trip!" Renesmee said as she sat in the back next to Jacob.

"Again!" He groaned. Seth hot wired the Volvo and backed out, not before slamming into Rosalie's car and taking out the Garage door.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Emmett appeared. Jasper, Alice, and Carlisle joined him.

"Floor it!" Leah yelled. The Volvo spun around wildly then skidded to a stop, and raced off, cutting through the yard and barely making it onto the road.

"Uh, Seth, maybe I should drive?" Jacob said as they were being tossed around.

"No time to switch!" Renesmee said.

"Why!" Leah barked, throwing her hands out to catch herself.

"Edward is running after us!" Renesmee said, her voice filled with fear. Seth glanced down at the side mirror and his face filled with horror.

"HE'S NAKED!" He screamed and raced down the highway at top speed.

* * *

alright, so uhm...i wanted to finish this but my writers block/lazyness wont go away and its been too long D:

so enjoy the unfinished-ness :D


	82. A Very Poke New Year Random Chapta FTW

A few days late OH WELL

thats how i work BEST

enjoy~

* * *

Poke was sitting atop the statue of Liberty, the Human Torch and Edward sitting next to him.

"Man, I cant believe we got canceled, this is the worst Christmas EVER!" Poke threw a bottle of beer down.

"Tell me about it man, my movie SUCKED!" The Human Torch sniffled.

"Justin Beiber didn't comment on my twitter post." Edward started sobbing. The two looked at him.

Across the city, the rest of the Cullens were in Time Square awaiting the ball drop.

"I'm Ryan Seacrest, haven't been relevant since 2002, but still gay." Ryan Seacrest winked at the camera.

"SNOOKI WANT SMOOSH-SMOOSH!" Snooki from the Jersey Short was co-hosting this year.

"Gee, I wonder were Edward and Poke are?" Bella asked.

"Who cares, 2011! WHOO!" Emmet shouted, decked out wearing a 2011 sunglasses, a giant top hat, and mard-igras beads.

In a building over looking Times Square, Voldemort was with Snape, around them was a New Years Eve Party.

"I'll hit the ball with an Avada Cadevara spell, and the ball will explode! Thus, 2011 will never happen, and we'll be stuck in the last seconds of 2010 FOREVERRR!" Voldemort cackled.

"Uh, sir, I doubt that's how New Years works." Snape said.

"Shut UP! Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows made more than Eclipse! WE DESERVE THIS!" Voldemort said.

Harry was at the same party with Ron and Hermione. Harry's Tmobile My Touch 3G Slide buzzed.

"I got a message!" He said.

"Yay, Product placement!" Ron cheered.

"Oh no! Voldemort and Snape are going to destroy the Ball that drops and trap us in 2010 forever!" Harry said.

"That's not the only ball that drops." Ron added in an undertone.

"How do you know?" Hermione asked.

"Snape tweeted it!" Harry showed them.

"How are we going to stop it?" Harry asked.

"It wont work, New Years isn't controlled by a freakin ball!" Hermione said. Ron took a champagne bottle, and bust it upside her head.

"OH MY GAWD! IS SHE DEAD?" A man asked.

"Let's go get those Vampires! They'll know what to do!" Ron said.

"No! BETTER! We'll get...POKE!" Harry said.

The two flew away on their broomsticks towards the statue of liberty.

"So, if like, I drank a beer, then burped on you, would your fire get bigger?" Edward asked the Human Torch.

"Hey, look at those birds, they're huge!" Poke gaped. Across the darkness, Ron and Harry zoomed toward them.

"Damn, the statue of Liberty is one ugly bitch." Ron shuddered when they landed next to the three.

"Well, she is French." The Human Torch said.

"Poke! Voldemort is trying to trap us in 2010 by destroying the ball drop! We need your help!" Harry said.

"That's not how New Years works-"

"Don't make me shank you!" Ron held another bottle of champagne at the Human Torch.

"Alright! I'll do it! How much time do we have left?" Poke asked.

"5 minuets!" Harry said. Poke pushed Ron off of his broom and zoomed away, singing Kesha's "We R Who We R" the entire time.

"WE ARE WHO WE ARE! OUR BODY'S GOING NUMB! AH!" Poke crashed into a billboard for Tangled.

"Was that Poke!" Renesmee pointed.

"Oh good lord." Bella heaved a deep sigh.

"I love your hair, what's your secret?" Poke mumbled into the billboard to Rapunzel. He slid down slowly and jumped back up.

Voldemort was cackling.

"That's who they sent to stop me? That good for nothing, Pastafarian?" Voldemort laughed. Poke took out his Tmobile MyTouch 3G slide and got on Twitter. He got to Snape's page and called Snape's phone number he posted for "Hot Redheads".

"Hello?" Snape picked up his phone.

"Hi, I'm a Hot Redhead, were are you?" Poke asked.

"Oh! I'm at a New Years Eve Party overlooking Time Square in New York City, in New York, in the United States, on North America, in the Northern Hemisphere, apart of Planet Earth, third planet from the sun, in the Solar System, apart of the Milky Way Galaxy-"

Poke hung up then and looked at the buildings on Time Square from where he was standing. Only one had a party going on inside it.

"Alright Kesha, YOUR LOVE IS MY DRUG!" He bellowed, hopping on Ron's broomstick, and flew at top speed toward the window.

"Poke!" Edward appeared, flying next to Poke.

"You cant fly?" Poke asked.

"Yeah! Cause I believe in fairies!" Edward started to sing the Brazilian National Anthem in Chinese, and zoomed away.

Voldemort hit Poke's broom with a spell, claiming Poke was to pretty to kill. Poke started to fall down to the crowd.

"I call Raping dibs!" A trucker pointed.

"_I believe in fairies!" _Edward's voice rang through Poke's ears.

"I...believe...in...KESHA!" Poke said and he flew up in the air, pulsating with power.

Two people just stepped out of a theater from watching Tron.

"Wow, hun, look at the amazing 3D!" He poitned.

Poke flew inside the party Voldemort and Snape were at. He turned and looked at Snape and Voldemort.

"I...am...CANNIBAL!" He yelled in an autotune voice.

"I'm not afraid!" A man said.

"I love the way you lie!" A woman said back.

"Five...four...three!" The crowd outside started to shout.

"Now!" Snape yelled in slow motion. Voldemort raised his wand toward the ball. Poke threw a cupcake at Voldemort's wand hand just as the spell erupted out of his wand. It was skewered out of it's original path and shot down ward.

"Two...one..." The crowd chanted.

The spell hit Snooki instead and she blew up in a cloud of pickles.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" Everyone started to cheer.

"No! We'll get you next year!" Voldemort vowed and disappeared. Snape ran out of the room and in the street the two caught a cab.

"Wow! That was so heroic!" Girls swarmed Poke.

"Yep, thanks to Kesha!" Poke said and started to do what Poke does best, party.

Edward was gliding over New York City.

"Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and to all a good night!" He waved below to people.

* * *

happeh new year

:B


End file.

Harry Potter, Twilight, Humor, Parody