Digimon I: Insanity

Digimon belongs to Toei! It's not mine!   
  
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Shi-chan: A quickie fic before I go to cadets. ^_~ I figure you guys need a break from Sandglass and Nancy, right?  
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Insanity  
~By Shimegami-chan  
Music: "Tobira," (Yamato and the Teen-Age Wolves)  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Angst ahead.   
  


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:Insanity: :Clarity: :Grief: :Pride: :Memory: :Hate: :Silence: :Glass: :Homeless: :Loneliness: :Escape: :Guilt: :Promise: :Dream: :Lucidity:   
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I am the embodiment of pure evil.  
  
Or so he says.  
  
  
  
  
I am a child trapped in a man's body.  
  
I am a bird trapped in a cage.   
  
I am starving man without without shelter from his own conscience.  
  
  
I've been in here for so very long, or is that just my imagination? Days run into weeks run into years, decades, centuries, millenia...I couldn't possibly be that old. Could I? I should ask, some day. Ask when my birthday is. I don't remember the date, the year...do I even have a birthday? I must. Everyone does. Perhaps my parents know, if they're even still alive.   
  
Unless I killed them.  
  
I didn't just think that, did I? No. Maybe they died of old age. I don't remember them being old. I remember them enough to know that I had the, once upon a time. They could have died when I was a baby. Or when I came to this place. Or over the years while I've been here--how long have I been in here?   
  
Maybe I killed them after all.  
  
_He_ accuses me sometimes, that voice that controls my movements as though my body weren't mine. Not that I killed them, that he did. But I didn't do anything to save them. But then, who saw them fall? Where are their graves? There are too many unanswered questions, and he knows I don't beleive the lies he feeds me to make me despair. He is like a parasite, sifting through my feelings like sand, and manipulating them at will.   
  
They thought I drove him out.  
  
Who were they? The memories are cloudy. There were five, no, six of them. A short boy with eyes of chocolate. He was beautiful. They called him 'Courage,' and 'Friendship,' but I know he had another name.   
  
He's the only one that still visits me.   
  
There was a tall girl of lavender. Her eyes sparkled when she smiled--Love. Purity. What was her name? I can't remember. She whispered sweet things to me, cajoled. She was pretty too. But she barely visited, and when she did the Love in her eyes was replaced with Sorrow.   
  
I never understood why.   
  
Another boy, with hair spun of gold. Hope. He radiated Innocence and Strength at once, caring about everyone, making the world better for everyone. All he wanted was to save them. But sometimes, there was just no way to help them all.   
  
Courage told me that he's ill, so ill...  
  
There was a second girl, the one called the Child of Light. She and Hope held the same ideals, the same goals. I admired her Strength. Courage admired her Spirit and Beauty. S   
  
he gave her heart to Hope, and Courage was lost.   
  
There was the smallest, Faith. He also held Knowledge, and I saw in him much Determination. He never trusted easily. Held to his morals and his guides. He didn't smile much, but I knew he'd know Happiness someday, even if he had to test himself many time to attain it.   
  
He knew I was unworthy from the start.   
  
Finally, there was Kindness. Once, he held both the qualities of Strength, Courage, and Leadership. With the loss of Leadership came Friendship, Faith, and Hope.   
  
I admired Him. Once upon a time.  
  
Once upon a time, the Child of Kindness also gained Trust, especially in the bearers of Love and Courage. Before the Darkness and Cruelty.   
  
But that's another story. I don't want to speak about the boy that was once Kindness, or even the one that held Courage. I want to speak about the bearer of Cruelty.   
  
There was another in this subjective little game. He had a name that I don't remember, and a face that I can't place. Cruelty calls him, 'the little Traitor,' but I like to think of him as Loyalty. He held many of the traits that I so admired: Sincerity, Faith, Purity, Reliability, Hope, Spirit, Kindness, Forgiveness, Friendship, Devotion, Afeection, Love. The one trait he didn't hold was Courage, and Cruelty controlled him through this weaknes. Perhaps he is still controlled.   
  
If Loyalty is even still alive.   
  
Maybe I'll ask Courage. If he ever comes back.  
  
Foggy memories and lies are all I have of these lost friends. Perhaps Cruelty took them. Or maybe I took them myself. I miss them, when I'm in my right frame of mind.   
  
Barely ever.   
  
I'm not there even now. Even now, I think I could remember them if I was in one of those moments of sanity. But as I see it it's all just a blur. Cruelty knows, but I'll never ask Him. I'm beaten, broken enough. I barely remember anything of any of them. Just the rich chocolate-brown of Courage's eyes, and a fog of color for the rest. Cruelty controls this body we share, most of the time.   
  
Courage. Where is he? I'm on the edge of lucidity. I should take this chance before Cruelty returns. Escape from this padded room. I could take the doctors and guards on, couldn't I? Unexpectedly, Hope fills me. It jars me so close to memory that I can taste them, taste reality on the tip of my tongue. If I could just reach out.   
  
Courage follows Hope, an ironic change, I think in amusement. Faith comes next. I dredge Kindness up from the bottom of my soul, bringing a rush of Love and Light behind it. That's it. All six.   
  
Oh, it's so close I can almost touch it...   
  
How to get out of this airless box? There's a window, covered in bars, and a door with a tiny clear plastic circle. I look down at myself, tryng to grasp a sense of time. How much have I grown, too much to fit through the circle? Not enough to take down the guards? Am I a child, an adult, a leering old grandfather about to go into cardiac arrest at the excitment of escape?   
  
A child, a child. I watch my shaking hands with teary eyes. Too young, too delicate. Like porcelain. These hands would break if restrained by anyone much bigger. They haven't been used in so long.   
  
I feel it coming, Despair. Faith flees me like a terrified animal. Without all six, there's no way I can even regather enough of myself to remember my own name or where I'm from. I'm lost. I'm lost.   
  
Hope fades away, like its human bearer might be doing even now. Poor thing. Pity rises within me, bringing a wary Faith back, hiding behind Love. The Child of Hope is worse off than I am, I tell myself.   
  
And still, I don't have enough to break free. Five. I need all Six. Hope is missing. Loyalty has been gone for what seems like centuries, but I just decided that I was still young. Hadn't I? My body was small. Slim. Maybe I hadn't been in here so long after all.   
  
Someone's coming down the hall, is it one of the doctors? Maybe they're coming to let me out. Even in this state, I could pretend to be cured. Feign normality. If only, if only...I couldn't possibly hold Cruelty off for that long.   
  
Faith faded.  
  
Light faded.  
  
The door opened.   
  
Courage. Is that you, Courage? He can't be real. Cruelty's playing mind games with me again. Is he real? Has he come to free me?   
  
"How's he doing?" Courage asks of a white-clad doctor. "It's been months since I've been here."   
  
"I'm glad you came," the doctor replied. "He hasn't been getting much better. No one's come to visit him except you."  
  
"Only me?" Courage whispered. "Where are his parents?"  
  
"They can't bear to see him like this. He's been getting worse and worse...babbling about how cruelty has 'taken him,' and how he 'killed them all.' Those are very serious statements. No one can figure out what happened. Seems as though he just snapped."  
  
"Thanks," Courage said, teary-eyed, stepping into the room with me. "I'll stay awhile."   
  
I touch his arm, gently. "Hello, Courage."   
  
He starts. "You recognized me."   
  
I blink in confusion. "Of course." His eyes were the same. Deep pools of brown, and now I write the rest of his features to memory: Wild mahogany hair. Tanned skin. A pair of goggles, goggles...I turn to my remaining Friends for clarification. Only Courage, Love, and Kindness remain. I'm not surprised. They were always the persistant ones. But as I wonder why the goggles sparked a bit of memory of brown hair and soccer balls and the missing Child of Light, Courage and Love shift sides to Friendship and Purity. Kindness seems rather solid, to my releif. Perhaps He will keep Cruelty at bay.   
  
Friendship shows me the flickered picture of a soccer field and two children of brown hair. One is Light. The other held the Crest of Courage long ago, before it was passed to the bearer who sat beside me. My body tingles with excitement as a name comes rushing back: "Taichi."   
  
"No, I'm Daisuke," Courage replies, confused.  
  
"No. That's not what I mean." I touched the goggles with my left hand. "These once belonged Taichi."  
  
"Oh." He blinked and fell silent, but now I more information to process.   
  
"Daisuke..." I mused. Yes, that was it. Daisuke. The name felt good to say. "Daisuke."   
  
"What?" Courage wondered, looking into my eyes.   
  
It was at this point that Sincerity reached up to hold the hands of Kindness and Friendship, pouring her strengths into me. "Oh, Daisuke." Suddenly my arms were fastened around his neck, hugging tightly. Tears spilled from my eyes. It was there, the Reality I had longed for for so long. I remembered my name, my life, my friends. I remembered The children of Light and Hope and Faith, and the one I called Loyalty. My age. My parents' faces. And the face of the one called Cruelty, they were all there in my tears, soaking into Daisuke's jacket and my cheeks. "Please, I missed you. Why do I have to stay here? Please, take me away!"   
  
Courage was stunned. "You remember me?"   
  
"Yes," I breathed, shaking in fear of losing what I had so dearly craved. "Motomiya-kun. I remember them all. Hikari-chan. Miyako-san. Iori-kun. Takeru-kun. And, and...my loyal Little One..."  
  
Courage smiled. "Your 'little one?' He came to see you." Daisuke released the catch on his backback with one hand, and Loyalty emerged, throwing his tiny arms around me, tears flowing from his bright blue eyes, too choked to speak.   
  
"He came...to see me? Cruelty lied," I said in relief. "Cruelty told me he was...gone."   
  
"'Cruelty?'" Courage looked worried now.   
  
"Yes." I cradled Loyalty in my arms, never wanting to let go. "Cruelty. He lives in the back of my mind, taunts me, threatens me. Controls me. He never leaves me alone. Daisuke." I gasped for breath. "He's never going to leave, he never did! I thought Kindness drove him out. But he's still in there, talking, whispering, taunting...oh please, I wish I could die..."   
  
"Mr. Motomiya, your time's up." a nurse called from the doorway.   
  
"Wait! Kindness? Cruelty? This doesn't make sense!"   
  
"No, Daisuke, I don't suppose it does." Suddenly, Purity disappeared, breaking the link between Kindness and Friendship. Friendship began to fade with the strain. Kindness began to turn black. "Oh God, he's coming back. Please don't let him take me, don't let him, oh God..."   
  
"Who?" Courage roared, shaking my shoulders.   
  
Too late. Kindness was covered by the darkness.   
  
"No one," Cruelty whispered, voice as cold as ice spilling from my lips. "Kindness is dead."   
  
"What are you talking about?" Courage whispered in fear. "_You're_ Kindness."   
  
"Pathetic little Keeper of Courage," Cruelty sneered, backing away from Courage. "Ichijouji Ken is no more. Only the Kaiser and Cruelty remain."   
  
"Mr. Motomiya!" the doctor warned. "Please come back. This is what I was talking about. He's raving again!"   
  
"Nooo!" Loyalty sobbed, hiding behind Courage.   
  
Courage hastily ushered the green insect into the backpack. "Stay here, Wormmon. He's dangerous."   
  
"About time you took me seriously." Cruelty growled. "Get out before I kill you."   
  
"Mr. _Motomiya!_" the doctor called urgently. Courage hefted the backpack with Loyalty inside and backed towards the door.   
  
"I'll come back for you, Ken."   
  
"Liar," snarled Cruelty. Friendship faded the same way Purity, Faith, Light, and Hope had. All five of them, gone.   
  
And Kindness, left in the back of his own mind to silently cry.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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Shi-chan: ....*sob* 


End file.

Digimon, Angst