Gundam Wing/AC Breakfast Fun For Everyone-Parts 1-5

Breakfast Fun For Everyone

I don't own Gundam Wing or any of the characters (or bad representations) held within this story. Though I WILL admit to the fact that I enjoy messing them up ::grins:: Infact, some big tv company owns them, aren't they lucky?

Part One

The boys yawned. Heero's alarm clock was blaring the awake siren for the eighth time this morning. Duo made an annoyed sleeping noise like a muffled ferret and then once again got up and shut off the alarm. He slumped back to bed, where Heero was still sleeping, peaceful as a child. Duo mumbled something under his breath about, vacuums? The moment his braided head hit the pillow the familiar buzzing of the infernal alarm clock once again threatened his eardrums.

"FUCK!!!!!!!!!" He screamed loudly. Bouncing out of bed he yanked the alarm clock out of the wall and threw it out the nearby window. The window that just happened to be unopened. A resounding crash filled the room and glass shards flew everywhere. Duo heard the familiar cry of Quatre from the room next door, and three sets of footsteps in the hall. The door flung open as Quatre Rebarbra Winner, Trowa Barton (gun out of its holster) and WuFei Chang (sword unsheathed) raced into the room. Duo stood looking sheepish in the middle of the floor, staring and grinning slightly at the window next to him.

"Wha? Fuck Duo, again? Why the hell can't you just turn of the alarm like normal people blah blah blah blah blah…" Heero mumbled, waking up finally to the sounds of people entering his room.

"This is the third time this week Duo! Man, you really need to calm down or find some other positive way to channel your energy blah blah blah spirit blah blah blah Nataku blah blah blah…" WuFei was scolding from across the room, using his sword as a leaning post.

Trowa was two feet away from him, giving Duo the sternest glare any of them could ever imagine on the silent man's countenance. "Buy five sheep clock twice the monkey said and then go and have dirty sex with the man in the yellow suit before the blue hats come and take us all away." Duo mumbled. He turned on his heel and fell back into bed next to Heero.

The boys looked at him in stunned silence. "WHAT THE HELL!?!?" Quatre shrieked, his eyes bulging out of his head. He looked confusedly at Trowa, who only shrugged and they turned and walked out of the room. 

"You really need to get him to stop doing that!" WuFei said quietly to Heero. "Now I am going to go and praise Nataku." Heero rolled his eyes and looked at the young man asleep beside him. Duo was mumbling in his sleep again, his eyes shut and his arms and legs hugging Heero's thigh. The pilot rolled his eyes, '_he doesn't even shut up when he's asleep', _he thought to himself. But even Heero had to admit that he was really cute when he was asleep, a little angel mumbling to himself.

Heero thought back to what Duo had said. And growled, "The man in the yellow suit huh? Well, I've been known to wear yellow." He remarked casually to himself, knowing that it was a boldfaced lie. All he ever wore were those spandex and that tank top that was mysteriously tucked in somehow. He loved the way it confused Duo to no end how in the hell he ever got a shirt tucked into spandex (hell, it confuses me too!). He looked back down at the sleeping boy beside him; Duo was drooling all over the bed as he mumbled nonsense words in his sleep. "That's it." Heero said out loud. He grabbed the smaller man's braid and flung him out of the bed. Duo gave a startled squeak as he felt himself hurtling through the air backwards. He attempted to grab onto anything around him, but to no avail. He landed smartly on his ass, giving a cry of pain as he felt his tailbone crunch on the wood floor beneath him.

""Hey, what happened to the window? You go nuts again?" He asked, looking about the room disoriented.

"Hmmm, baka." Heero grumbled. "So who's the man in the yellow suit, huh?" Heero inquired coyly, the corners of his mouth twitched into a smile.

"Wha?" Duo was taken aback, and then turned a bright shade of crimson. "I-I-I don't know what you're talking about…." He said quietly.

"Oh yeah? Then why did the monkey want more sheep clocks twice? Do you know anything about that?" He smirked as he said this. Duo was so red he was almost purple at this point.

"Umm, did I happen to-yknow maybe-just possibly-cause I have before- talk in my sleep?" He asked, the last word was more a squeak then a word. Heero nodded blankly and then burst into fits of uncontrollable laughter at his tiny companion. "Shut up!" Duo whined. Finally giving up at getting Heero to stop making fun of him, he sat on the floor pouting. He began to whimper slightly, his lower lip and chin quivering ever so slightly. He hated it immensely whenever Heero made fun of him.

"Oh come on. Stop pouting, it's unbecoming!" Heero chided. This only made Duo whimper louder. Heero shook his head, knowing that he had just blatantly lied, it was incredibly becoming and attractive when Duo pouted. He fought a smile that attempted to fly to his lips. Duo looked up at Heero with huge, violet eyes that were forming crystalline tears. Heero looked back with his cold, cobalt blue eyes and finally gave in to his primal instinct. Duo shrunk back at first as Heero lunged at him, and then realized what was going on. Heero's warm lips covered Duo's pouting mouth. Duo whimpered again, but this time in surprise and hunger rather than in sadness. He felt Heero's tongue brush against his lower lip, erasing any pout that ever could have been there.

Heero pinned Duo's shoulders to the floor and straddled his hips with his own knees. He continued the passionate kiss, his tongue feeling the insides of Duo's mouth with an electric intensity. His ass was up in the air, Duo opened his eyes for a moment, and would have smirked if his mouth was not occupied by the warmth of Heero's. He slid his ::**cough**:: large hands up the backs of Heero's thighs, lingering for a moment at the base of his rear and then gripping Heero's buttocks tightly with both hands. Heero made a noise that sounded a bit like, "EEP!" as Duo pulled the stronger pilot's groin toward his own. Heero buried his face in the crook of Duo's neck between his shoulder and head. He began to lick along his collar bone, sending tingles up and down the braided man's spine. Duo's back arched with the sensation and he ground his body up against Heero's. He trailed his finger tips up Heero's naked back, it seemed the only time he didn't wear that godforsaken tank top was when he was asleep, when he didn't wear anything, much to Duo's glee.

Heero's tongue trailed from his collarbone down to his belly button and back up again, sending icy shocks through Duo's body. Duo ran his fingers through Heero's soft, brown hair and pulled the cold boys face back parallel with his own. They began to kiss again, their heads becoming one entity, lips and tongues merging together in one perfect bliss. Behind them, the door creeked open. "OH MY GOODNESS!! Trowa, will you take a look at this!" Quatre chimed up from the doorway. Trowa and the blonde young man stood in the doorway, regarding to two boys on the floor with raised eyebrows and smirks. Quatre folded his arms and leaned one shoulder against the doorway. He shot a sideways glance at Trowa, who regarded him with and air of humor. "We already got this out of our systems earlier this morning, now didn't we!" He said laughingly, Trowa shot him an undefinable glance, and blushed a pale shade of pink.

Heero quickly realized his nakedness, and leaped back onto the bed, covering himself with the comforter. "You're supposed to knock! We at least give you that much decency!" He snapped. Duo on the floor in his boxers was rolling and giggling hysterically with the whole situation. He found this utterly hilarious. Heero shot him a warning look and Duo quickly quieted to silent laughter. Heero shook his head and sighed exasperatedly. Duo covered his mouth with a hand trying to keep his giggling under control.

"Excuse me!" He sputtered as he sprinted to the bathroom across the hall. Splitting through Trowa and Quatre, knocking the blonde pilot to the ground on his rear.

"Hey!" Quatre whined. He rubbed his butt with one hand and Trowa helped him up with the other. From the bathroom you could hear Duo having a conniption fit. _'He's probably sitting on his ass rolling around as he laughs'_ thought Heero. He smiled at this thought, and began to walk toward the bathroom. "Stop right there." Said Quatre sternly as he placed a hand on Heero's shoulder. Heero almost dropped the blanket he had draped around his waist, and then stopped himself realizing Trowa would kill him if he broke Quatre's wrist. Instead, he shoved past the blonde pilot and headed toward the bathroom. Quatre turned to the taller pilot next to him. "Man, we can't have them desecrate the bathroom too! They've already just as well ruined the kitchen table! And the refrigerator! And the hall closet! Damn, the bathroom's just about the only place we have left!" He whined as he snuggled up to Trowa.

"Umm, Quatre, the bathrooms already been desecrated." Trowa said pulling slightly away from Quatre so he could see his face. Just then WuFei walked by. "And just where do you think you're going?" Trowa inquired from the angry looking young man.

"I'm going to praise Nataku." WuFei replied flatly.

"Again!? Didn't you do that already this morning!?" Quatre asked in stunned awe.

"I don't know what you're talking about." WuFei grimaced, reddening slightly. He turned on his heel and walked into the bathroom. "GOD!! Why don't you guys go back to YOUR room!" He screamed as he walked in on Heero and Duo who were….ahem…being…friendly. "AND GET SOME CLOTHES ON YUY!!! YUCK! YUCK! YUCK! YUCK! Am I the ONLY STRAIGHT GUY IN THIS ENTIRE DORM!? WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT MAXWELL!!??"

Duo giggled incredulously. "What are you here for anyway? Huh? WuFei?" He fought of uncontrollable sobs of laughter.

"I am….well I'm….," WuFei straightened, "I am going to praise Nataku!" He said proudly.

Duo erupted into a fit of laughing. "NATAKU!!!!!!" He shrieked, tittering. He and Heero stumbled out of the bathroom, Heero gripping the blanket he brought out of his room around his hips. Duo was giggling and trying to pull it off. Heero turned to try and slug him, and ended up dropping the sheet anyway. Duo collapsed onto the floor, laughing so hard he cried. WuFei tried to shake the thought of Duo on all fours, and Heero kneeling behind him—_NO!_ WuFei's nose started to bleed.

"DAMMIT! I don't even LIKE other guys!" He shuddered, and tried to recall the pictures of the last playboy magazine he had stolen. His nose became a crimson river.

Heero and Duo were headed back toward their bedroom to complete their ::ahem:: fun, when suddenly they were stopped by Quatre. "Stop right there Yuy and Maxwell, you're not going anywhere." Heero once again fought the urge to break the pilot's wrist; he had to remember Trowa's phantom reaction.

"What do you want, Winner?" He grumbled through clenched teeth. Duo looked at him pleadingly; the small man hated Heero's temper.

"You." He looked at Duo who was cowering behind Heero.

"Me?" He squeaked. His voice cracking in the middle of the small word.

"You woke us all up this morning you baka ama!!! You have to serve punishment!" Quatre said commandingly, surprising even himself with his own forcefulness.

"How come you're never that commanding in bed?" Trowa whispered in his ear. His soft lips and tongue brushing against the flesh of Quatre's ear. Quatre giggled and pushed him aside for a minute.

The blonde pilot thought for a moment and then whispered in the ear of the circus performer, "Go back to our room, take off all your clothes, and get into bed, NOW! Satisfied?"

A smile worked its way onto the lips of Trowa Barton. Duo and Heero's jaws dropped, they didn't think they'd ever ever EVER seen the man smile. "Oh captain my captain!" Said Trowa. He saluted, turned and ran back to the room he shared with Quatre.

Quatre smiled to himself and became immersed in the delightful fantasy that was soon to become a reality. Heero cleared his throat, and Quatre shook himself back into the real world. "Anyways," he said, still shaking his head, "Your punishment _is……_you have to make us all breakfast."

Duo's face lit up with surprise and joy, "YAY!" he exclaimed as he turned and bounced into the bedroom he shared with Heero to get dressed. Heero sat shaking his head, eyes bugging out of his head, mouthing "No, no, no, no etc."

Quatre looked at him and cocked his head to the side, "What are you wigging out about?" he asked. Heero sighed heavily, and turned an icy stare to the blonde pilot. "What?" He asked to Heero's killer look.

"Have you ever seen Duo cook? He said coldly.

"No, can't say that I have, no. We mostly let WuFei do the cooking, he makes really good food. You remember that dinner he made the other night, with the-"

"Do you value your life?" Heero cut in.

"Umm, yes, why?"

"Because if his cooking doesn't kill you, I will."

Duo's head popped out of the room, "Hey! I heard that!" he said, almost hurt. "I'm a good cook! I think, well I haven't ever really cooked before and I think that I'd be really good, yknow? But the only thing is-"

"Shut up!" Said Heero. Duo seemed to deflate, but then remembered he was getting to cook. He quickly brightened and bounced off toward the kitchen.

"I warned you." Heero reminded Quatre and walked back into his room. The young man stood in the hallway silent for a moment. Wondering if the other boy would go through with his threat, he didn't think so. Quatre was still a little worried though, Heero wasn't one to back down from a threat.

"Oh captain, my CAPTAIN!!!!" he heard a voice scream from down the hallway, and quickly rushed to Trowa, who was waiting, as instructed, naked in their bed.

There once were five boys who lived in a dorm.

Thanks to their body heat it was always warm.

And they were all gay

Except for WuFei

Who still praised Nataku despite the scorn

Part Two

Duo had managed to get himself lost in the dorm, again. That was the problem with Quatre buying things, when you have an endless supply of money, you tend to go a bit overboard. He had been wandering aimlessly, assuming he would find the kitchen eventually, and had found himself in some sort of sunroom. He looked around, very confused at his surroundings. He couldn't think of a single Gundam pilot that enjoyed tanning. But then he saw the large bed in the middle of the room, and decided he wouldn't need to ask any questions when he got back.

Turning around, he headed back toward the hallway. Duo walked down the seemingly endless hallway, opening every door that wasn't locked, poking his head inside, and walking back down the hallway. Finally he had reached the very end of the hall, and found a large, blue door with Chinese dragons painted on it in blue. "WuFei." He whispered to himself, knowing that the room belonged to his Chinese companion. Suddenly very curious to know what was contained inside the room, he tried the doorknob.

It was locked. He tried again, but then almost kicked himself at his own stupidity. _If it didn't open once, it doesn't matter how many times you try to open it Maxwell. WHOA!! I just sounded like **Heero!!**_ He thought to himself. Putting his right hand up to his head to think, he was startled by a metal object that fell from his hair and into his hand. _'Lock pick! SCORE!!!!' _Duo thought to himself as he quickly shoved the metal pin into the doorknob. He wasn't usually this forceful with his nosiness, but he couldn't help it when it came to WuFei's things. Duo smirked to himself as he heard a familiar and healthy click of the lock being undone.

Duo turned the knob once more, and this time was glad to feel it move perfectly beneath his hand. The door swung open easily on oiled, silent hinges to reveal, the biggest straight porn stash he had ever seen in his entire life. The young pilot's jaw dropped and he gasped incredulously. Duo strode into the room and picked up a random magazine, he made a face and a noise of disgust at the exposed centerfold. '_Yuck! Now I remember why I like guys! Holy God, no wonder WuFei is always praising Nataku!' _He quickly shut the magazine and hurried out of the room, back out into the hallway.

As he was about to shut the door, he heard footsteps coming down the nearby stairwell. Duo shoved the door shut as quietly as he could and attempted to lock the door once more. "Damn." He muttered under his breath as he realized that the lock wasn't going to work without a key. He made a futile attempt to make it look as if the door was completely shut and turned to walk down the hallway.

Wufei hadn't been able to get the image from this morning's "Bathroom Incident" out of his mind, and was having some issues about it. _'I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay.' _He thought as he walked down the hallway toward his secret room. It was the only room of his that the other pilots didn't know existed, not that they seemed to care. None of them would be to interested in looking at straight porn anyhow, and he was sure they had their own rooms of similar natures around the dorm. After a visit to his room there should be no more problems praising Nataku.

Wufei looked up startled at Duo, who was walking down the hallway whistling with a guilty smirk on his face. "What are you doing down here? I thought you had punishment?"" He asked suspiciously.

Duo turned a bright shade of red, "I got-I didn't see-I was jus-Where's the kitchen?" He stuttered. WuFei raised an eyebrow and pointed him in the direction of the kitchen. "Thanks." Duo winked and gave WuFei thumbs up. The Chinese man shook his head and sighed. He looked up and watched Duo walk down the hallway, his eyes lingering on the small man's buttocks that shifted as he walked. The toned muscle swaying a little more enticingly with every step. WuFei reached out a hand and took a step forward, and then realized just what he was doing.

"Oh my god!" He whispered to himself. He quickly became maroon with embarrassment and looked about himself to make sure no one had seen him, despite the fact he was in a tiny, empty hallway. '_I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm NOT GAY!' _He screamed to himself. WuFei calmed himself back down and turned to walk into his room. He put his hand on the doorknob and suddenly filled with rage and mortification, as he realized not only was the door unlocked, but it wasn't shut, the lights were on, and one of his playboys was face down on the floor. "DAMMIT MAXWELL!!!" He screamed to no one in particular, because Duo had already bounded up the stairs.

There once was a boy named WuFei

He looked at porn every day

The other boys in the dorm

Thought he was forlorn

Because he never was gay

Part Three

The kitchen, as Duo discovered, was at the other end of the bedroom hallway. Duo had just gone the wrong direction. He walked back past the other boy's rooms, and heard very distinct and interesting noises coming from Quatre and Trowa's bedroom. Duo paused for a moment, listened to the moaning, giggled, and quickly bounded past. He stopped in front of the bedroom he shared with Heero, and opened the door just slightly. Heero was asleep; clutching his pillow and twitching like a dog having a chasing dream. Duo smiled at the innocent look that this mainly cold boy had. He shut the door once more and continued on toward the kitchen.

As he reached the doorway of the pristine kitchen, he paused and marveled at the cleanliness of the entire room. If someone could remedy that, it was Duo, no question. Every bowl and every utensil had been sanitized multiple times thanks to Quatre, who was huge neat freak. Duo beamed like a Cheshire cat and jumped into the room with glee. He searched through the cabinets, drawers and refrigerator, searching for anything that looked mildly interesting and ripping it out of its spot. Soon he had a huge pile of tools and food piled on the range in the middle of the kitchen.

Duo stood back and surveyed his handiwork. Everything from Avocados and Alfredo to Zebra Flank were piled with a myriad of cookware. In fact the only items that weren't in the disaster on the island were: the industrial sized mixer that was too heavy to lift, and a 3 year old Tupperware of tapioca that Duo had discovered behind the refrigerator. He had firmly decided that anything that had more hair than the Lightning Count, certainly wasn't to be consumed by a human. So he had put on yellow rubber gloves and used the salad tongs to move the hairy, stinking, greenish mass into WuFei's cabinet. '_That should be fun to watch when he tries to find a snack!' _Duo giggled to himself at the mental picture of WuFei's reaction.

"Now, cook book, cook book, cook book, where's the goddam cook book?" He said, thinking to himself aloud. He found "Cooking for Dummies" in a forgotten corner of the kitchen behind the breadbox. Duo looked for some section labeled "Breakfast", but discovered that there wasn't a single recipe for any breakfast type food anywhere in the entire book. He shrugged and tossed the cookbook over his shoulder, and was surprised by a horrible shredding noise behind him. The young pilot whirled around, his braid cracking like a whip, his hands moving protectively up so that he was ready to fight. More than one surprise attack from the other pilots had trained him well.

Duo's jaw dropped and he began to giggle as he realized he was not being ambushed at all. Shreds of paper and cardboard were flying about the kitchen, he had thrown the cookbook into the garbage disposal. Fragments of the destroyed book rained down like snow, covering everything in the spotless kitchen. Duo twirled a couple of times, pretending that it actually _was_ snowing, rather than the horrible mess that was forming. But the ever so zealous pilot got a little carried away in his make-believe, and tried to catch a "snowflake" on his tongue. "YUCK!", he exclaimed, spitting out the tiny bits of paper that had fallen into his mouth. _'Real smart Maxwell. You're just lucky no one else was here to see it.'_, he chided himself.

Duo shook his head and tried to think of what things the other boys had made for breakfast in the past. He cocked his head back, put his thumb and index finger along his jaw, and parted his lips ever so slightly to reveal his tongue pressing into the corner of his mouth. After about a minute, he realized he was beginning to get a headache. He turned around to face the mountain of food on the range behind him, thinking that perhaps he would get ideas from the ingredients laid before him. The young pilot surveyed the food, and found that he was not getting any ideas fast.

"What have I eaten for breakfast?" He said, thinking aloud. Chocolate came to mind. Lots and lots of chocolate. Soon Duo was standing in the middle of the kitchen with a smitten look on his face as he thought of different kinds of chocolate. "Chocolate cake, chocolate fudge…" he mumbled to himself. Suddenly Duo noticed as slight wetness on his chin. He looked down to see that he had been drooling all over himself, and a soggy puddle had formed over his boots. He cursed under his breath as he reached over for a dishtowel and wiped off his shoes. _Ok Duo, you can do this. You can! And if you don't, god, you won't get any for a long time!_ With this new looming threat of loosing the only sexual gratification he ever got, Duo was newly motivated.

He thought back to the breakfast Heero had made for him on his birthday. Breakfast in bed, he giggled to himself, and then found himself thinking about the occurrences that had taken place_ after_ breakfast. The warm feeling of Heero's body against his, Heero's mouth, his back, his warm embrace his—_Duo Maxwell, you are stronger than this! If you don't stop fantasizing right now, that's all you're going to be doing for the next month!_ He chided his lustful thoughts, and tried very hard to focus on breakfast and breakfast alone. Who was the one person in the house that he could think about without fantasizing about…WUFEI!!!

A large grin suddenly covered Duo's pink lips. There was no way in hell he could ever think about Wufei sexually, he was straight for goodness sake! He thought hard back a month, when Wufei had woken everyone up, screaming in his sleep about Trieze stealing his porn collection. Duo giggled some more as he thought about this. Wufei had bawled his eyes out in his sleep. And then made oaths on Trieze's life afterward. The other pilots had stood around him, as he slept on the floor, and watched intently until Wufei promptly awoke.

The wiry pilot giggled to himself again as he thought about this. What had happened next…Wufei had made breakfast!! Duo beamed in delight and suppressed the vehement urge to jump up and down excitedly. Instead he tried to think of what Wufei had made. "EGGS!!" He shouted aloud. Duo ran over to his menagerie of food on the range, and began to search wildly for eggs. He threw whatever food product or utensil that got in his way over his shoulder in his overly zealous search for eggs. "A-ha! There you are!" He smiled broadly. _Well, now I have the main course. On to the side dishes!_

Duo was actually beginning to enjoy himself immensely as he prepared breakfast. He pretended he was a marvelous chef, who had to make a gargantuan meal to save his life from the evil soldiers that held him captive. If the meal was not good enough, they blew up Shinigami before his very eyes, and then jettisoned his soulless body into outer space. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" he laughed evilly, "You'll never take me alive you evil soldiers!" He shouted at the empty kitchen. 

Suddenly, he realized someone was pounding, and none-to-quietly, on the ceiling. Duo could have punched himself in the face as he realized the kitchen was directly below the room he shared with Heero. He quickly wished he had remembered the wonderful smells that floated through his dorm room floor when he had been searching for this room. And then instantaneously realized that someone was still banging on his floor, the kitchen ceiling.

"What the hell are you doing down there? Soldiers? Is something happening to you?! DUO!!?? Are you all right!!??" Heero's voice was becoming frantic and filled with concern. Duo played with the notion of convincing Heero that he really _was _ being attacked, and then winced in pain at the bruise on his arm that remained from the last time he had tried to trick Heero, and thought better of it.

"I-I'm f-f-fine!" He said, hurried and embarrassed.

"Well, what the hell are you doing? It shouldn't take you _this_ long to make breakfast! Are you down there with someone?"

"N-n-no!" His face reddening, even though he knew that Heero was unable to see him.

"Well then who are you talking to?" Heero asked, his voice confused and slightly amused.

"I'm, well I'm…," he trailed off.

"What?"

"Nothing! I'm making breakfast like I was told!" He yelled back up through the ceiling.

"Well, I hope you're almost done, we're going to be downstairs in about ten minutes. Ok Duo?" Silence. "Duo?"

"Wha? Ok, yeah, ten minutes! I'll be waiting." He heard Heero's footsteps subside down the hallway. "SHIT!" he screamed to no one in particular. Duo frantically began to once again ransack the kitchen in search of something he could make edible. He ripped a frying pan out from a nearby counter a shoved the eggs he had discovered, shells and all, into it. He lit the gas stove and shoved the pan on top of it.

Twirling around, his eyes found some bread. _Toast, _he thought to himself. Not thinking, he grabbed several slices of bread, lit another burner on the stove, and shoved the bread on top of it. Lifting his face to sigh exasperatedly at the ceiling, his upturned nose found a smell, a most unpleasant and rancid odor. "FUCK! THE EGGS!", he screamed. Unable to find a pot mitt, he grabbed the handle of the skillet. White-hot pain shot through his hand and up into his shoulder. "FUCK!!!" he yelled again, throwing the skillet on the floor in pain.

Duo discovered that it was becoming harder and harder to breathe in the kitchen. _Oh no, what now?_ The young pilot stared in horror at the other burner and saw orange flames lapping at the ceiling above. Reaching behind him, Duo grabbed the first thing that felt remotely like a bottle of liquid. He swiftly threw it on the flames and was appalled to see the flames shoot higher into the air.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY KITCHEN!!!!????", Wufei screamed, incredulous. All four pilots were squashed into the doorway, Wufei with his dagger at hand. The Chinese pilot's face was red with fury. "WELL, WHAT IN NATAKU'S NAME DID YOU DO!?"

Duo fought the urge to giggle at the mention of Nataku, and then realized the gravity of the situation. "Well, umm…yasee, what happened was…I got food and…well the eggs…I hurt my hand," he showed a wounded paw to the boys, but none of them seemed to care. "And then…toast and…big fire…water, got bigger!" Duo was hysterical as he held out his other hand, which held a bottle.

"You idiot!" Trowa finally spoke, "That's cooking oil, not water, good luck trying to put out a fire with that!"

"My-m-m-my k-k-k-k-kitchen. Clean, and now." Quatre's face fell. He tried to sit down, but Trowa instead gathered him up in his arms, turned, and walked up the stairs with him. Wufei still sat in the corner, spluttering with rage, but unable to grasp any whole words. Finally he threw his hands in the air, and stalked out of the room.

Heero made sure that the other boys were out of earshot before he rushed over to Duo. The braided pilot was sitting on the floor, clutching his burned hand a whimpering softly. "I-I just wanted to help." He said, crestfallen. 

Heero walked over and kneeled next to him, and pulled him into his lap. "Shhhh, it's ok. No one's angry with you." He said soothingly in an attempt to pacify the chestnut haired pilot.

"That's not true!" He said, beginning to cry, "They're all mad at me cause I woke them up and I made a mess and-and-and," Duo began to sob, then wail, "I RUINED BREAKFAST!!!!" Heero began to rock Duo back and forth, and his cries began to subceed.

"I'll have a, a," Heero struggled to say the word, "Talk," he sighed, "With the other guys, and I'll see what we can do, ok?" He looked in Duo's eyes with almost a smile on his stone face. Duo nodded, and Heero kissed him on the cheek. The boys stood up and walked up the stairs after the others.

When becoming a master cook

On the labels of bottles, do look

Unless you're like Duo

Who caused such a stew, OH

It shall be written, perhaps in a book

(Unless that book is torn to shreds in a garbage disposal)

(And people happen to think it's snow)

(And they try to eat it)

(Because then you won't be able to read it anyways so it won't matter whether or not it ever was in a book so you should probably just forget about it and go on with your life) 

Part Four

"WUFEI!!! HANDS ON THE WHEEL!", Quatre screamed from behind him, "I _knew_ this was a bad idea! I just knew it! We shouldn't have let him drive!" Wufei let go of the steering wheel, whipped around and was about to say something very nasty to the blonde pilot when he screamed, "HANDS ON THE WHEEL!!!!"

Wufei turned back to the road and gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles. In a strained voice he managed to say, "Well, _excuse_ me, I wouldn't _be_ such a bad driver if _MAXWELL WASN'T TRYING TO STRANGLE ME WITH HIS **BRAID!!!!**_" His voice shook the car windows.

"Speaking of my braid…" Duo made an animal noise as he once again began to strangle Wufei. Quatre let out a yelp as he dove for the driver's seat in a sad attempt to grab the wheel. His head hit the roof and he fell backward, his forehead smarting with pain.

"We never should have left the house." Trowa said quietly to himself. He and Heero were sitting in the last seats of the minivan trying to ignore the din in the front three seats.

"I know," Heero mumbled coldly, "I'm more afraid of Wufei driving than Duo cooking, well as long as Duo's in the front seat that is." Heero now regretted ever talking the other boys into forgiving Duo and going out to breakfast. And it was obvious why. Duo was even more obnoxious after a traumatic experience such as cooking breakfast than he was normally.

"FREE DRIVERS' SEAT!" Duo exclaimed as he launched himself under the struggling Quatre and Wufei.

For a moment the car fell absolutely silent, and then erupted into the screams of four boys in unison, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Duo giggled as he shoved Wufei and Quatre aside and gripped the wheel, "Now which way were we going again? Oh yeah right."" he turned the wheel full force toward the right, then he screwed up his face as if trying to remember something, "Oh, wait, I was wrong, we were going left." Heero quickly struggled to buckle his seatbelt, making him and Trowa the only members of the car strapped in, as Duo once again turned the wheel.

Tires squealed as he ripped the steering wheel to the left. Quatre and Wufei's eyes nearly bulged out of their heads as the car tipped up onto two wheels and they began to slide toward the side windows. Duo chortled with glee and yelled something about a roller coaster that was lost in the confusion. Trowa gripped the small hook above his head to keep from falling to the left and having his seatbelt bite painfully into his side. Heero just sat, allowing himself to tip. Sparks flew as the side of the minivan scraped against the pavement.

"Gotta-right-the-car," Quatre panted, attempting to crawl up to the windows that were now above.

"OOOoooOOh! DENNYS!" Duo squealed with glee, he turned the wheel sharply to the right and pulled into the Dennys' parking lot, somehow managing to park perfectly. Quatre, who was almost on his feet was thrown against the sliding door, which Trowa happened to be in the middle of opening. Trowa held onto the handle as Quatre flew into him and then out the door, scraping his chin on the asphalt. He stood up shaking and whimpering in terror as Duo bounced out of the car. He looked at Quatre and then did a double take, turning about swiftly and peering at Quatre as a dog would peer at an odd looking lizard. "Dude, umm, I think you might've hurt your face."

"REALLY!?" Quatre bellowed sarcastically, "YOU, _THINK_ I _MIGHT _HAVE HURT MY FACE." He nodded so quickly and insanely it seemed more like his head was vibrating than he was nodding. "Well, that's…that's good to know." Suddenly he lunged at the young pilot screaming, "I'M GONNA HURT **YOUR** FACE!!!!" Trowa only just caught the back of Quatre's shirt, leaving him hanging and swinging his arms wildly, inches from Duo's face.

Duo raised an eyebrow and looked quizzically at Wufei, "What's wrong with him?" he asked. Wufei fell down.

When off for a mid-morning drive,

If you wish to be staying alive,

Choose drivers with care,

Not ones with long hair,

For then you just may not survive.

Part Five

Quatre's hand shook as he tried to bring his orange juice to his lips for the third time, and once again, the juice sloshed all over, adding another stain to his pants. He glared icily at Duo, this was all _his_ fault, Quatre was sure of it. And there he was, bouncing up and down in the booth inside the tiny Denny's on the L1 colony like nothing had ever happened. He growled ferraly. Trowa, who had been cleaning off the blonde pilot's lap with a napkin paused and looked at him, an eyebrow raised on the normally expressionless face.

"What!?" Quatre asked, irritability showing through the pilots normally serene voice.

"Nothing," Trowa shook his head, "Here." He began to dab at Quatre's khakis again, but the arabian waved him away, not wanting to be fussed over like a child. It wasn't like he'd never had orange juice on his pants before, Quatre rethought the words that had just gone through his head, and realized that this was simply not true.

"Quatre…..yo Quats…..Earth to Quatre, come in Quatre." Duo was waving his hand in front of his face, and this broke the daze the small pilot had fallen into. "Did you just hear a word that was said?"

"Wha? Er….no." Quatre blushed, staring into his glass of dangerous orange juice, that threatened to pour another stain onto his pants at any moment.

"I asked if you were ready to order. You were like in outer space." Duo giggled, "Only, we're **all** in outer space!!!" Duo began to laugh hysterically at his own joke, and received a swift punch in the nose from Heero. He clutched his nose, "OWCH!! Holdy shih!!!" His nose quickly began to bleed profusely and he scrambled to get a napkin and proceeded to grip it to his nose.

Even Quatre couldn't continue his brooding act with this going on in front of him, he giggled a bit, "Thinking of this morning's exploits are we Duo?" The albino arabian chuckled under his breath.

Duo tried to glare, but it looked more like a grimace, "Shud upf!!" he whined through the quickly bloodied napkins. Heero looked at his braided companion and was hard pressed to keep an expressionless face. Duo had wadded up three napkins and shoved them haphazardly in each nostril so that he wouldn't have to hold them there. Quatre burst into twittering hysterics and even Trowa smiled, only Wufei looked disgusted.

"I can't believe I'm out with you people," he ripped one of the napkins out of Duo's nose, "Have you not one shred of dignity at all!?" Despite his bloodied nose, Duo grinned and shook his head. Wufei rolled his eyes and sighed, this was **not** going to be a fun trip, he could feel it. He looked around, searching for a waitress. Wufei's nose wrinkled at his surroundings_ Denny's, of all the resturaunts in the universe, he chose Denny's._ The asian man sighed.

"Are you guys ready to order?" A young waitress addressed the entire table, but only Duo, Quatre and Trowa looked up.

"Umm….I'll have the Grand Slam™ breakfast, darlin'." Duo made a "gunshot" with his hand as he ordered. Wufei rolled his eyes, laying his forehead on the back of his hand.

"And you?" the waitress addressed the chinese man.

Wufei looked up, startled. "Are you addressing me?" The woman chewed her gum and nodded, eyes widening as if it were obvious. "Is it not clear to you that I do NOT want to order?" He sneered. "Oh, of course it wouldn't be. I shouldn't expect that much from a **woman**." His tone was harsh and he leaned forward momentarily to accentuate the last word. "Much less a woman working in Denny's." The waitress blushed and looked as if she was about to cry.

"Wufei!" Quatre chided, "I'm **so** sorry for the behavior of our friend here." He reached out a hand and grasped the waitress's. "Now," he read her nametag, "Cindy, if you could be a dear and just get us three of what the first gentleman ordered, that would be just wonderful." He smiled warmly, and Cindy bit her lip and nodded, a smile crossing her lips too. "Thank you." Quatre said to her retreating back. As soon as she was out of earshot, he whirled on Wufei. "Haven't you ever had **any** contact with girls **ever**!?" He inquired, attempting to remain calm, but his façade was given away by the pulsating vein in his forehead.

Wufei clenched his fists on the table. "I am **not** in the mood for this Winner." He hissed, his jaw locked.

"I don't care what sort of mood you're in," Quatre replied curtly, "You quite clearly are unable to handle the most basic of social situations. I think that you should go and wait in the car." He said without missing a beat as Wufei's normally slitted eyes nearly bugged out of his head. The blonde pilot pointed a slender finger, "Go, now please."

"Quatre…" Trowa gave him a warning look, but Quatre silenced him with a motion, and pointed more firmly. He rolled his eyes and looked out the window, trying to ignore the blow that was about to come.

Wufei choked on the sip of water he was sipping, and his already narrow eyes turned to nasty slits, "You want **me** to do **what**!?" His voice retained a frightening level of calm.

"Go wait in the car, you clearly can't behave yourself in any sort of public, social situation." Quatre's voice was placid, but there was a hint of shaking, as if he were suddenly having reservations about ordering the other pilot about. "Go?" He sounded much less sure this time.

"What about Maxwell?" The name sounded like a curse as it rolled off his lips. "Doesn't **he** belong in the car as well?" Wufei's upper lip curled into a snarl.

"Wha? Why **me**!?" Duo was taken by surprise and was about to protest this accusation further when Wufei looked at him. His icy gaze seemed to glue Duo's mouth shut and his back firmly to the cushion of the booth.

The chinese man stared at him incredulously, "Why-Why you!?" he scoffed, "I'm not the one sitting here with **bloody klenexes** hanging out of my **nose**!!" Duo blushed deeply and quickly reached up a hand to remove the tissues from his nostrils, his face a bright shade of crimson.

"I…I'll be good…I **promise**." Duo looked up at Wufei with crystaline indigo eyes, and the asian didn't have the heart to argue anymore. _Damn man looks like he's about to cry!_ Wufei realized with amazement.

Wufei took a breath, "Fine…fine ok **I'll** 'be good' too." He made quote fingers and seemed utterly disgusted with himself for having repeated the words that Duo had already spoken. Quatre sighed with relief and sagged against Trowa, this was turning out to be a **very** tiring morning. The tall man looked down at him and put his arm around his shoulders comfortingly.

Duo's incessant smile had jumped up and returned to his face and he was now beaming at Heero. Yuy didn't look at all impressed, but none-the-less it seemed that he had scooted a bit closer to Maxwell and his cold gaze had softened a bit. Wufei rolled his eyes and made a frustrated sound, "Great…now all of you are going to get all lovey dovey in the middle of **Denny's** and I'm gonna be stuck in the middle of it!." He now firmly regretted sitting in the middle of both couples at a half moon booth. He sighed and layed his head down on the table, his muttering lost by the muffling of his sleeves.

When making an untasteful joke,

If you don't wish your nose to be broke

Make sure that some pilots

Are far out of earshot

Or else on your blood you may choke

(and you know what pilot I mean…oh yeah…Quatre…I MEAN!!!!)


End file.

Gundam Wing/AC, Humor