Gundam Wing/AC 1. Astro turf

pre-warnings/notes: Okay well, I came up with this idea somewhere unknown (because I come up with a lot of ideas) and after writing it, I found that it was _interesting_ if I let my two friends Jackie... AKA Sayermyst and Adrienne (who is also my partner in unrestrained evil who is helping me write our other fic, Mission : "Cinderella"). First let me add the warnings, SHOUNEN-AI! You no like'm boys together, you no read. Insanity! MUCH! Inspired by many anime parodies we have indulged in recently, with a little bit of sugar and other things that kill off hoards of brain cells. Author insertion! Yes! As much as placing ourselves as main characters can scare off readers, we found that our own personalities fit quite nicely. Please don't get your undies in a bunch about our "Mary Sue"ism, because we're describing ourselves in exact detail... if we all had anime super villain powers, of course. Some of the G-boys might be OOC, but that's okay. Oh yeah, there is also slight character bashing, but hey! Who _doesn't_ do it once and a while? It's all in good fun.  
Take this fic without our permission and be hurt, however if you'd like to take it you can email Ivy and we'll talk.  
DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately the Gundam Pilots and other GW cast members belong to those big companies and not us.  


A long, adventurous, mystical journey in another world. With a serious lesson... somewhere. 

written by Ivy, Sayermyst, and Adrienne.  
  
  
One sunny day found Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei in a park. Trowa and Wufei were tossing a frisbee back and forth while Quatre watched under a shady tree close by. Duo was dragging Heero to the ice-cream stand. "Hee-koi, c'mon! I want some double chocolate fudge ice-cream with chocolate chips!" Heero just grunted, trying to pull his hand out of his boyfriend's grip; it was cutting off his circulation.   
  
After Duo got his ice-cream, he and Heero took a seat next to Quatre, enjoying the warm summer breeze of the Earth. Everything was calm and relaxing. Well... until Duo got this sudden weird glimmer in his eyes and started flinging ice-cream at Heero and Quatre. At first they took it lightly, but when Duo started getting globs of cold stickiness in their eyes, while laughing insanely, Heero had to take away the cone. "HEEEERO! Give me back my cone!" yelled Duo, launching himself at the other boy. Of course, Heero easily dodged.  
"Not if you keep acting childish!"  
"Childish!? I'm not childish you big... poopie head!"  
At the last two words all of the pilots stopped in their tracks and stared at Duo. Everything became silent except for the slight rustle of wind in the trees and the frisbee, forgotten after being thrown, clunking Wufei upside the head. No gundam pilot, not even Duo or little Quatre, says "poopie head". There's like a law against it or something.   
  
The shocked silence was interrupted by evil female laughter. Out of nowhere, a 16 year old looking girl with loose curly brown hair wearing a black cape and barely-there black dress with impossibly high black heels, appeared floating in mid-air.  
"Who the hell are **you**?" Wufei asked.  
"Me? Why I am Ivy, but you may call me Ivy-hime... or even better, Ivy-hime-sama." The girl said.  
"Um, how do you do that?" This came from a curious Quatre.  
"Huh?" Ivy blinked. "Oh you mean float?" She snapped her fingers and a brown book appeared in her hand "Anime super villains hand book. See?," She thrust the book out so everyone could see it. Wufei got a nosebleed. Noticing this, Ivy examined the page. "Oh, whoops. See I keep like a million bookmarks in this thing so I can keep track of rules. Can you believe this outfit was maximum? I mean JEEZ I almost wore that strappy leather thing that was in the diagram on the page you just saw, but how can you even WALK in that thing? Okay, here...," Ivy turned the page. "See! Anime super villains are allowed to break the laws of physics and gravity, with a few exceptions like when your fighting an enemy and it'd come in handy for escape. That's the time when you're not allowed."  
"And what the hell do you want?" Heero asked.  
"Excuse me? Isn't this fic rated PG-13? Try to tone down the 'hell' stuff, gee!," Ivy rolled her eyes. "See that?," Ivy pointed to Duo, who had removed his shoes and socks and was chewing on his toes. "I have reverted his mind to that of a 5 year old!," Ivy laughed a little. Wufei raised his eyebrows. "And that's different _how_?," Ivy huffed. "Quiet you! Anyway, if you want his normal mind back, you will have to travel through my world called... um... Olmega! Then, come to my magical castle, which floats **_three_** feet in the air! And then... hmmm... retrieve my magical... **CLANGOR STICK**! Then you can all come back and live happily ever after!" Quatre didn't know whether to fall on the ground laughing or fall and ROLL on the ground laughing. "And so...," he stifled laughter, "What is the point?"  
Ivy crossed her arms. "Is there _ever_ a point to these things?!"  
Heero had already processed this information. "A few questions. How do we get there? What do we need? What language is used in this other 'world'?"  
"And what happens to this world when we're gone?" Trowa added.   
  
The girl took a moment to think. "Wellllll, Don't worry about transportation; I got this free teleporting power with my membership to the Anime Super Villains Society. You will need nothing, because you can manage to find the things you need from the nice villagers. And language?! HELLO?! This is ANIME! Of course EVERYONE speaks the SAME language you do!"  
"Don't you think that that's a bit cliché though?" Wufei interrupted.  
"Excuse me, but I wouldn't be original if I wasn't cliché!" Ivy said.  
Wufei snorted. "That makes no sense."  
"Of course not! My logic is beyond you!" Ivy was ranting.   
  
"Her 'logic' is beyond everyone!," came a voice from the sky.  
"SHUT UP SAYERMYST!," Ivy yelled to the sky. "You're not in this scene!"   
  
The G-boys were about ready to leave, well… except for Duo, who was seeing how much of his foot he could get in his mouth. This woman was getting annoying, and they really didn't believe a word she said. Ivy paused in her... _interesting_... speech to the sky and noticed the boys were starting to gather their things to leave. "Hey! Stop being rude! I haven't even answered your questions yet!"  
"There isn't even a point to all this nonsense, so why don't you just go away?" Heero asked. "Answer that question first."  
"OY! This is an adventure to another land, filled with skill-testing challenges and events that will bring you closer together so you'll be all brother-like and stuff. Not to mention that-" she gestured towards Duo "-Duo here will be a handicap whom you'll have to put up with 24/7. It's exciting, says I."  
"Exciting? Yeah right." This came from Quatre.  
"Oh? You really want to say that blondie?," she asked. "I can make it so everyone is a handicap except for our two adventurers, Heero and Trowa."  
"Hm?," asked Wufei.  
"You" She thrust her finger in Wufei's direction. "I'll turn you into a GERBIL!"  
Wufei blanched.  
"And you!," Now her finger was almost in Quatre's face. "I'll turn you into A LUMP OF STEEL WOOL! WAHAHAHA!!!"

Trowa, who didn't take the girl at all seriously, decided to add in his two cents. "That is just stupid." Quatre clutched onto Trowa's arm, giving him big starry lovey-dovey eyes a la shoujo anime. "Trowa-kuuuuun!"

Ivy was stuck between making her drooly fangirl face and gagging. She settled for wrinkling her nose and clearing her throat.  
"To answer Trowa's question... well I haven't really thought about that, so how about we leave this world how it is. Less work for me, right?"  
"We _are_ kind of in the middle of a war.," Wufei said. "I'm not going to lose so some stupid under-dressed onna can have a little taste of 'anime super villain'ism!"  
"Well I could turn all the living creatures into lumps of steel wool..." Ivy was grinning. Obviously she had a THING for steel wool.  
"Why would you waste your time turning everyone into lumps of steel wool? Stupid onna.," He crossed his arms. "If you're so ALL POWERFUL, why don't you just stop time? How completely clueless are you?"  
Ivy glared back at him. "Well, it costs twenty five dollars to apply for a membership that lets me stop time. To save money, it's easier just to turn everyone into lumps of STEEL WOOL!"  
"Yes, but...it just isn't logical. Of course, neither is the rest of your thinking.," Quatre glanced pointedly at Duo.  
"Hey! I can be logical! When I feel like it, that is."  
"And you actually feel like taking the time to turn everyone into lumps of steel wool?," Trowa raised an eyebrow.  
"This argument is pointless," Heero grumbled.  
"Geez, fine!," Ivy placed her hand on her hip. "Don't get your undies in a bunch! If you're going to be that frikin' cranky about it, I'll buy the stupid membership. Are you happy now?"  
"Yes. Wait-NO.," Wufei didn't see why Duo couldn't simply stay in his toddler state of mind.   
"Good," Ivy said. " I knew you would be. Now, how do I want to transport you? Mmmm...." She flipped through her handbook. "Tornado? Pillar of light? Magic book? Drowning? Black portal? Oooo, I've always wanted to try this one! Oh, and don't drink the water." Ivy waved, and a big black thing of nothingness came and engulfed the G-boys.  
"Oh great. A big, black thing of nothingness.," Trowa said. The G-boys hit something hard, but everything was still black.  
"I thought this was a portal of nothingness," Quatre said rubbing his arm. When the black nothingness was gone, all around them they saw lush grass and trees, ponds, birds, flowers; the ideal world.  
"This doesn't look too bad. As a matter a fact it's perfect.," Quatre said. The G-boys looked around at the sound of dishes being thrown and breaking. The G-boys looked up.  
"Come on... work... stupid thing, **WORK**!," Ivy's voice came. There was some more clanging and stomping. "Got it."  
"What do you want?," Heero grumbled.  
"Well, I made a little mistake... everything's going to be okay... I just needed to fix _the thing_."  
"What _thing_?," Wufei asked.  
"_The thing_, I needed to fix _the thing_!"  
"What _thing_? What is a _thing_?," Wufei demanded.  
"Don't worry about it." A black hole sucked up the G-boys and dropped them in another world with trees, birds, and grass. With a few exceptions.… The grass was really astro turf, the birds were cranes hanging from string, the trees were cardboard, and there were people walking around in banana peels.  
Wufei glanced at his and the others' outfits: skimpy banana peel suits. "INJUSTICE!"  


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TBC  
  
  
This fic comes from three factors:  
1) Ivy always wanted to be an anime super villain.  
2) Ivy had, several times, come up with ideas to totally rip-off such stories like Rayearth, Escaflowne, and Fushigi Yuugi... using the G-boys to create a tasteless and wannabe parody. Oh! That rhymes!  
3) We like using the dictionary to find random words, such as "clangor". Making our own world, this "talent" comes in handy!  
6_9 Ivy, Sayermyst, and Adrienne.


	2. It happened years ago.

pre-warnings/notes: Shounen-ai (1+2 and some 3+4), intentional bad writing, author insertion. I'd like to introduce Margarita, who has finally gotten a taste of writing this. While she's only put in a few suggestions here and there, we hope she can conform to our ways of non-sanity and write like we say "Just write, don't think" and we'll have her writing whole paragraphs of this story in no time.   
Take this fic without our permission and be hurt, however if you'd like to take it you can email Ivy and we'll talk.  
DISCLAIMER: We do NOT recommend the consumption of wax fruit, because it CAN be detrimental to your health… oh wait… *ahem* Gundam Wing and characters are not ours.  


A long, adventurous, mystical journey in another world. With a serious lesson... somewhere. 

written by Ivy, Sayermyst, Adrienne, and Margarita.  
  
  
Wufei glanced at his and the others' outfits: skimpy banana peel suits. "INJUSTICE!"

The outburst brought the eyes of the villagers, who were walking around in less revealing and stylish banana peel suits, to our five boys. After only a few seconds of staring everyone went back to their business and a villager woman approached them. "Hello. I've never seen you boys around here." She said.

Quatre, being the best and politest speaker of the 5 boys, answered the woman. "Hello, my name is Quatre Raberba Winner. We aren't from this world."

The woman nodded. "With a name like that, I can tell. Well I guess that means you're on a long, adventurous, mystical journey, then."

"Can you tell us what we're supposed to do?"

"Sorry." The woman shrugged. "I'm just a generic and irrelevant villager who only gives trivial information. You should go ask the semi-relevant villagers, they live in the third hut down this street." The woman pointed towards the direction she just came from and said good-bye.

All the boys, including Duo who was running in circles around the group saying "Wheeei, fun!", approached the hut.

They took a minute to observe it, it was about the size of a one bedroom apartment, circular and made of... well... it was made of popsicle sticks. Quatre knocked on the door gently, afraid of breaking the house. When there was no answer the boys had no clue what to do. Just walking in seemed rude.

Duo came to the rescue and found the doorbell and pressed it many, many times. And from what you could hear of it before it was interrupted by being rung again, it sounded like La Cucaracha.

[Meanwhile inside Ivy's floating, evil castle]

Ivy was sitting at an evil looking black desk with stacks of papers strewn about. She was mumbling to herself as she went through the stack in front of her. "Stupid government... who knew evil organizations were considered corporations?!" She sloppily signed a bunch of the papers and pushed the stack aside, using the extra room to put her elbows on the desk and rub her temples. "This is going to kill me when taxes come around!" She scowled "Taxes." Ivy spat the word out like it was... you know that nasty taste that you get when you drink orange juice right after brushing your teeth? Yeah, she spat it out like that.

[Back to our G-boys in the small village]

Heero, Wufei, Trowa and Quatre had finally managed to pull the ecstatic Duo away from the doorbell, hopefully before the inhabitants of the hut went deaf. The door opened and the all the G-boys', excluding Duo's, mouths hung open. Behind the door were the familiar faces of Lucrezia Noin and Zechs Merquise without his mask, their enemies. "Can I help you?," asked Noin.

"BANANAS!" Duo exclaimed as he pushed past Zechs and Noin into their hut, hopping on top of the table and going strait for the fruit bowl. Of course the fruit was wax, but Duo didn't seem to notice.

"Zechs.," Heero said. To just anybody it would sound like he was emotionlessly acknowledging Zechs' presence. Those of us who know monotone speak can clearly understand that he said "Zechs." with disgust and hatred that one would use on his archenemy.

"Pervert!" Noin shrilled. With a banana skin purse, denying the laws of physics by weighing as much as twenty bricks, she whacked Heero flatly on the back of his head. 

Heero's eyes widened in shock that _anyone_, much less a semi-relevant villager of a banana-peel, popsicle stick-using rural town in an absolutely illogical world, had managed to strike _him_. What was happening to him? Was he becoming dull? Soft? Damn. He had known that the war had done some damage to him, but apparently, his life void of war and fighting, in combination with this ridiculous situation, was turning out to be far, far worse. The impossible had become possible. Was there nothing left to depend on, even himself?

The spotlight that had positioned itself upon Heero slowly faded away as the rest of the bewildered characters came back into view.

"That was neato!" Duo exclaimed with a mouthful of chunky wax, then happily ran outside and glomped Heero. Heero's nose promptly began to bleed, which was yet another sign that the world had gone berserk, because everyone knows that Wufei is the only Gundam pilot who has nose bleeds.

"Due to that monologue, Heero has now significantly decreased in his level of coolness," Trowa stated. Quatre, who had suspiciously moved his hand within a few inches of Trowa's butt during the blackout of Heero's quarter-life crisis, just kind-of blinked in confusion. Wufei, whose world had also been shaken by Heero's slight breakdown, had only one comment to make. 

"That's it. No more soliloquies. Ever."

As if nothing of any consequence had occurred, Heero once again assumed his usual demeanor: you know, the one that says "don't look at me, I'm a dangerous emotionally-challenged teenager fighting a war for a, literally, unknown cause."

"MORE FRUIT!" Duo's loud cry broke the akward silence.

"No more fake fruit for you, Duo. It could be detrimental to your health," Trowa explained to the now baffled Duo.

"I don't believe we've met," the semi-relevant, platinum blond villager calmly informed them and snatched Duo back by his braid. "won't you five destined ones please step inside to my, Milliardo Peacecraft's, humble abode to hear my, Milliardo Peacecraft's, tragic tale?"

"Baka. You've already introduced yourself as Zechs." Wufei folded his arms across his chest. Of course, not a millisecond passed before Noin smacked _him_ on the back of _ his_ head with the twenty-brick weighing banana-skin purse. "What was that for?" he screamed at the scowling Noin in a very un-Wufei manner. Then, realizing that he was about to start rambling some pathetic, weak, self-pitying dialogue to himself, he went inside of the popsicle hut and solemnly faced the wall.

The remaining G-boys, sans Duo (who was still anxiously trying to scramble towards the "fruit" bowl), eyed each other with identical expressionless looks that conveyed their thoughts to one another perfectly. True, Zechs was their mortal enemy... in the real world, but he had called them the....

"Destined ones?" Quatre asked.

"Yes! You MUST hear my long, tragic story." 

Seeing as they had no other choice, once again, Heero, Trowa, and Quartre cautiously entered the dimly-lit popsicle house. Heero glared at Noin en route and vice versa.

Without any offer of refreshments or duels to the death, Zechs began with Duo's braid in hand. "It was years ago." 

There was a pause. 

"...and?" Trowa looked at Zechs expectantly.

"That's when _it_ happened."

""When _what_ happened?" Wufei turned around with exasperation, obviously finished with his meticulous observation of the wall.

"The tragedy."

"What tragedy?" This, coming from Trowa.

"It."

"What. It." Heero demanded in his monotone.

"It happened years ago."

"You just said that," Trowa informed with increasing frustration.

"Such a tragedy...."

"We're leaving," Heero said as he grabbed Duo's braid from Zechs and started to lead the G-boys out of the hut.

"No, wait. You must save Relena."

"We are definitely leaving," Heero and Wufei sharply stated simultaneously.

Quatre, however, felt obligated to help the helpless, fix the world's problems, and save really annoying damsels...er...people from themselves. "Wait," he called to the boys, "It's all fine that we want to save Duo's mind, but obviously since we already agreed to come here we were MEANT to be brought here for other reasons as well! If there is someone in need, and we can help, shouldn't we relieve them? How can we just walk away when we're being called out to? How can we..."

Wufei, sensing that Quatre might break into song or do something highly unlikely by normal terms, but highly normal in these unlikely terms, decided to interrupt Quatre's reprimand, "FINE! We'll listen to the bumbling idiot, just SHUT UP!"

Trowa sent Wufei a deadly look, Quatre smiled kindly, Wufei crossed his arms while turning away and plopped down onto the floor, facing towards a secluded portion of the hut, Duo managed to free himself from Heero's grasp and rushed to the "fruit" bowl, only to have his braid snatched again by Zechs, and Heero resigned himself to his fate and nodded at Zechs to continue while he glared at nothing in particular and everything in general.

"It happened years ago."

[Going again to Ivy's floating, evil castle]

Thunk. Thunk. Thunk.

"Ivy," said a voice we'd now recognize as Sayermyst, "Hitting your head on the table is neither productive to our work nor beneficial to your face."

Ivy looked into the dark area of the room at Sayermyst's outline, "Fine. Okay. Sure." Ivy closed her eyes to think a minute, "How about, since we have our little meeting table of evilness built on the patio now, we have a POTLUCK!"

A moment of silence.

"Why don't we have a 'meeting of evilness', instead?"

"Right... To the escalator!"

Ivy and Sayermyst walked through to the mainroom of the poorly lit castle, the small amount of light from the shuttered windows made them only dim shapes in the dark.

Just as they stepped up to the escalator, another figure joined them, and as the three rode steadily up, Ivy started speaking, "If the egg's shell does not break, the chick will die without being born. We are the chick! The egg is the world! If the world's shell does not break, we will die without being born! Break the wor--"

"IVY!!!" Yelled out a new female voice, "Not only is that from the WRONG anime! There's only one good thing to do with that speech: FAST FORWARD!"

"Fine!," Ivy yelled back, "SMASH the world's shell!"

"Idiot."

Before any further arguments could be made They were at the top and stepping out onto an outside balcony where a small round table with four chairs sat.

"What the?" asked the not yet identified to the reader person.

Ivy and Sayermyst, who had been revealed in the light, Ivy wearing her usual skimpy dress and Sayermyst, who stood at an amazing 5' nothing and whose dark brown hair was in a braid was wearing baggy green drawstring pants and a green sweater, looked to the girl.

Even as she stood in the bright sunlight, most of her body was concealed with black shadows.

"Yes? What is wrong?" Ivy inquired.

"Why am I not SEEABLE?"

Ivy rolled her eyes, "Everyone knows you shan't be revealed until you're needed, it's the super villian way! Besides it's very mysterious!"

"Mysterious? There are only THREE of us, I don't think anyone would have a hard time guessing who I am!"

"Don't worry, it's all gravy!"

"Ivy," said Sayermyst, "I don't think 'gravy' is a common term used by super villains."

"And I don't think you're following the super villain dress code, and I think because of that you should shut up."

"Ivy..." interrupted the shadow girl, "Just WHAT will you call me until I _am_ revealed?"

"How about... Girl Strategically Concealed By Shadows?"

"That is really freaking stupid," said Girl Strategically Concealed By Shadows.

"And just because I don't follow all the super villain rules, doesn't mean I can't correct your flaws." Sayermyst said

Ivy stiffly took a seat in one of the chairs, "Why can't I have underlings that LISTEN to me? And follow me around looking out for my health? And bend to my every whim?"

"When that happens," said Girl Strategically Concealed By Shadows, "I'll buy you tickets to the opening show of Hell on Ice."

Ivy glared, "What did I say about that word?"

[Inside Zech's and Noin's popsicle hut, minutes later]

"It was really tragic, when she went out." Zechs said while wiping tears from his eyes, "It was years ago."

"Okay," Wufei ground out, "So this evil-onna came in power, brought in the idea of rulership, government had to be installed, next came corporations, then the stock market, Relena was fascinated, and went out to meet a stock broker. And we've wasted twenty minutes here, when we could have been here only three, so what is the point?"

"It was a tragedy, years ago. We never saw her again."

"About time," Heero muttered.

"So," Trowa said, "This stock broker may have kidnapped her?"

"Such a tragedy..."

Heero, grated to the limit, re-took possession of Duo's braid and wordlessly left, the other boys, satisfied with the information, followed suit. Quatre said a polite thank you/goodbye and the boys were back outside, still almost clueless as to what to do.

Duo, who was pouting at his loss of fruit, suddenly lit up, "I wanna go to the forest!" he shouted, and immediately took off into a run, dragging Heero behind him, into a wide, gloomy patch of cardboard trees.

Quatre, Trowa and Wufei ran after them, but when they were in the dark area they came to regret that stupid, impulsive decision.

---

TBC

What will happen to the boys? Will Duo get indigestion from eating all that wax fruit? And just WHO is Boulder-sama? Find out in the next episode of... "A long, adventurous, mystical journey in another world. With a serious lesson... somewhere."


End file.

Gundam Wing/AC, Drama, Humor