How can I forgive myself?
Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.
Self-esteem
<p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in;
line-height:15.0pt"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">What a beautiful discussion of guilt and shame Lynda offers! Those
two demons start out as pesky and little when we are young, then grow with us to
become quite formidable. I'd like to throw in a technique I learned from Randy
Rausch (author of<span class="apple-converted-space">&nbsp;</span><i>The Last Lecture)<span class="apple-converted-space">&nbsp;</span></i>called The 3-Step Apology.
I teach this important bit of wisdom to my clients when they need to apologize
to someone else but more importantly when they need to forgive themselves.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in;
line-height:15.0pt"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes, when we have trouble forgiving ourselves we sometimes forget
that there is part of us that just doesn't know how to apologize effectively.
Here goes:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 7.5pt; line-height: 15pt;"><b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Step One: </span></b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Say what you did and the damage it caused.<b><o:p></o:p></b></span></p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 7.5pt; line-height: 15pt;"><b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Step Two:</span></b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Say you're sorry and accept full
responsibility (no excuses, no explanation, no defensiveness: “It was all my
fault.”)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in;
line-height:15.0pt"><b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Step
Three:</span></b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Ask what you can do to repair the damage.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in;
line-height:15.0pt"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Step Three is the one many of us didn’t learn growing up. And when
we add it to an apology, we are usually surprised that the penalty is as light
as it is. Of course, sometimes the apology is not accepted and no way to atone
is offered. So be it, we can’t control this. But if we are apologizing to
ourselves, we can. There is always a way to make amends if we put our heart
into it.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p>











</p><p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in;
line-height:15.0pt"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Give this a try the next time you’re reluctant to let yourself off
the hook. You might surprise yourself when how benevolent you can be when
invited.<o:p></o:p></span></p>