[EX] Werewolf Mountain: "Cannibal Jane's" YouTube vLog
<h1 id="title">Elliquiy Role Playing Forums</h1>
		<h2 id="linktree">Play-By-Post: Extreme =&gt; Extreme Small Groups =&gt; Topic started by: VandalSavage on 14-11-2008, 03:44:07</h2>
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				Title: <strong>[EX] Werewolf Mountain: "Cannibal Jane's" YouTube vLog</strong><br>
				Post by: <strong>VandalSavage</strong> on <strong>14-11-2008, 03:44:07</strong>
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				The following videos were posted by some user with the usual nonsensical username that suggests an intention of anonymity.<br><br>They were rapidly taken down.
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				Title: <strong>Re: [EX] Werewolf Mountain: "Cannibal Jane's" YouTube vLog</strong><br>
				Post by: <strong>VandalSavage</strong> on <strong>14-11-2008, 03:47:59</strong>
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				<span style="font-size: 14pt;" class="bbc_size"><strong>"How I Became A Werewolf - Part 1/4"</strong></span><br><br>INT. STUDIO APARTMENT – DAY<br><br>A young woman, JANE (21), sits on an overstuffed couch.&nbsp; Her red hair is pulled back into a ponytail behind features that are unremarkable besides her flawless complexion.&nbsp; She wears a taupe tank top with Einstein sticking his tongue out on it.&nbsp; She is very well-endowed.<br><br>JANE beams at the camera.&nbsp; She waits a moment, then belts out her lines excitedly.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Hi, my name is Jane Chomsky.&nbsp; I’m 21 and I’m a student at California of University, California.</div><br>Her smile drops into a blistering scowl.&nbsp; She seethes.<br><br>JANE rises toward the camera and reaches behind it.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>(muttering)<br>“California of University, California.”<br>(beat)<br>Fucking dumb-ass cocksore.</div><br>The camera switches off.<br><br><br>INT. STUDIO APARTMENT – MOMENTS LATER<br><br>JANE is back, sitting primly and beaming at the camera.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Hi, my name is Jane Chomsky.&nbsp; I’m 21 and I’m a Senior Bio-Chem student at University of California, Berkley.&nbsp; I study psychotropics, which is a high-faluting way of saying I learn how to get people stoned.</div><br>JANE grins cheesily.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>My interests are musical theory, amateur photography, blogging of course, waterboarding – I mean watersports.&nbsp; <br>(beat)<br>Like, windsurfing and body boarding.&nbsp; Also, having literary debates with my hamster, Drama Queen, and, of course, being on Survivor!</div><br>The video turns off.<br><br><br>INT. DINGY MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT<br><br>JANE’s face, angled from brow down, looms in the camera.&nbsp; She is fidgeting with something behind it.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Fame, don’t fail me now.</div><br>JANE finishes working and steps back.&nbsp; Her hair is down now, and flows over a pea-green T-shirt, featuring the words ‘CANNIBAL JANE’ done up to look like the ‘Survivor’ logo, with a picture of her face doing a “Sarah Palin” type wink below it.&nbsp; <br><br>She is grim as she studies the camera.&nbsp; Behind her, the dilapidated motel room interior is visible.&nbsp; A small arsenal of guns, ammunition and lab kits are strewn around.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Fuck.</div><br>JANE puts her hands on the sides of her hip-hugger jeans.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>I think I’m recording over my last Survivor audition.</div><br>JANE waltzes over to a side table and picks up a remote.<br><div align="center">JANE<br>Guess I’ll be recording another.&nbsp; Take Five, people.</div><br>JANE points the remote at the camera.<br><div align="center">JANE<br>Jeff Probst is going to love my ass.</div><br>The video ends.<br><br>INT. DINGY MOTEL ROOM – MOMENTS LATER<br><br>JANE now sits on a chair with the camera centered on her.&nbsp; She spreads her hands.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Hello, cruel world.</div><br>JANE leans in.<br><br><div align="center">JANE <br>This is the first installment in an ongoing YouTube series, “How I Became A Werewolf.” The first brick in my path to internet fame and to a shot on the series, Survivor.&nbsp; You may have heard of it.</div><br>JANE settles back and picks up a can of Monster energy drink.<br><div align="center">JANE <br>But since you haven’t heard of me, and getting to know me is what this is all about, I’ll begin.</div><br>JANE sips, then replaces the can on the table.&nbsp; She picks up a photo and shows it to the camera.&nbsp; It is a school picture of a ten year old Jane, smiling uncomfortably in pigtails, wearing a plaid uniform.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>As you can see, my childhood was a happy one.&nbsp; Abe and Vera were loving parents, in their remote and experimental way.&nbsp; Note my plaque-free smile.&nbsp; They at least taught me to brush my teeth.</div><br>JANE wiggles the picture.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Abe was a corporate land-use attorney.&nbsp; Vera was a professor of gender studies and comparative literature at UC Berkeley.&nbsp; That’s where I grew up.&nbsp; Cradle of tender liberal minds.</div><br>JANE turns the picture upside down.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>(sing song)<br>So … sad.</div><br>JANE puts down the picture, grabs another from a small stack, shows it to the camera.&nbsp; It’s of a large, colonial-style house.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>This is where I grew up.&nbsp; 15331 Mellow Grove Lane.</div><br>She taps the photo.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>I chipped a tooth jumping off that garage playing Wonder Woman’s arch-nemesis, Artemis, when I was eleven.</div><br>She puts the photo back and smiles her flawless smile.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>All fixed.</div><br>JANE settles back, drinks more Monster.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Other than that, it was your standard, WB-drama life.&nbsp; Abe hiring a maid to do his recycling for him.&nbsp; Vera teaching me about monthly cycles at the age I was still reading Judy Blume.&nbsp; Piano lessons that went nowhere, bad poetry and bat mitzvahs.</div><br>JANE lifts another photo to the camera.&nbsp; It shows a balding, serious-looking man, ABE (50) and a beaming gray-haired woman in a sundress with several beaded necklaces, VERA (50), flanking a very sullen looking JANE (18) wearing a graduation gown and cap.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Hm?&nbsp; Valedictorian?&nbsp; Why, yes I was.</div><br>JANE sets the photo back.&nbsp; <br><br><div align="center">JANE <br>And honor roll, yearbook, student government treasurer.&nbsp; I would have cleaned the toilets if it got me AP credit.</div><br>JANE sets her fists together in front of her.<br><br><div align="center">JANE <br>I am an action-oriented, self starter.</div><br>JANE settles back in her chair.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>I attended Berkeley.&nbsp; There was no need to move out of the house.&nbsp; I had my love of punk rock and hobo lore to fill my rebellion quota.&nbsp; Besides, I was too busy for anything other than hitting the books and climbing that academic ladder.</div><br>JANE broods, picking up the remote.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Until Senior year, and Sonja.</div><br>JANE clicks the camera off.<br><br><br>
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				Title: <strong>Re: [EX] Werewolf Mountain: "Cannibal Jane's" YouTube vLog</strong><br>
				Post by: <strong>VandalSavage</strong> on <strong>14-11-2008, 03:52:07</strong>
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				<span style="font-size: 14pt;" class="bbc_size"><strong>"How I Became A Werewolf - Part 2/4"</strong></span><br><br>INT. DINGY MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT<br><br>An ink drawing of a WOLF standing on a mountaintop, framed by frothy stars, is held up before the camera.&nbsp; JANE, unseen, hums, “Isn’t She Lovely.”<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Pretty, hm?&nbsp; A work characteristic of the late-modern ‘Heavy Metal’ magazine school.</div><br>JANE leans back into her chair, looking at the picture.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Or maybe schmaltzy, roadside Indian Reservation Mannerist.</div><br>JANE sets the drawing on her side table.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Little did I know, when the artist passed it to me in Female Sexuality class, that it was drawn by a psycho-lesbionic lycanthrope.</div><br>JANE broods, then begins jabbing her finger at the camera.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>And that’s the thing, Dear Reader – you never know about werewolves.&nbsp; They are shape-shifters by their very nature.&nbsp; As in, “to shift the shape of.”&nbsp; To make different.&nbsp; Even if every fucking piece of the puzzle that is one sweet young adult’s life is fitting into place.</div><br>JANE flails.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>They will come along and fuck.&nbsp; Things.&nbsp; Right the fuck up!</div><br>JANE grabs a bottle of Smart Water with a shaky hand.&nbsp; She drinks, then slouches.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>No, I didn’t think Sonja was hitting on me.&nbsp; I thought she wanted to just be friends.&nbsp; Or needed help with her homework.&nbsp; There were no invitations to acupuncture massage or tickets to Lilith Faire involved.</div><br>JANE twiddles her finger next to her head.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Yeah, okay, she talked some crazy Moonie-ass shit about spirit worlds and the Goddess Luna over the weeks we got to know one another.&nbsp; But what else is new on the Berkeley quad?</div><br>She huffs and calms.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Lattes.&nbsp; Late night art films.&nbsp; Long walks talking Heidegger.&nbsp; There was nothing more to it.</div><br>JANE’s eyebrow suddenly shoots up.&nbsp; She glares accusingly at the camera and jabs her finger.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Yeah, I know those are all “L words” – don’t give me that look!&nbsp; I thought it was completely innocent!</div><br>She sighs.&nbsp; Her head droops.&nbsp; She shows a photo of a fluffy gold HAMSTER to the camera.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>This was my real best bud.&nbsp; Drama Queen.&nbsp; He was a he, though.</div><br>JANE cradles the photo.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>DQ was my sounding board.&nbsp; I blogged all over his little whiskery face.&nbsp; He’d been there for me when they drummed me out of Mensa.&nbsp; Right through graduation, when I thought I had meningitis.&nbsp; </div><br>JANE sighs.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Abe and Vera listened to fuck-all that didn’t have to do with saving the planet, but Drama Queen was my savior.</div><br>JANE puts the photo in her lap and stares grimly at the camera.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>One night, I miss classes.&nbsp; I’m feeling antsy pants.&nbsp; More twitchy than crampy.</div><br>Her hands do a little shuffle.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>So I light some Yankee candles, I put on a Joseph Arthur CD, I get some sympathy from Drama Queen.&nbsp; Once he hits his habitrail, I take a shower.</div><br>She looks at her feet.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>I come out, wrapped in a towel, and she’s right there.&nbsp; Sonja, my study buddy and then-favorite stalker.&nbsp; Just standing there.&nbsp; Smiling.</div><br>JANE frowns acidly.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>I ask her, “WTF,” and she’s like, “It’s about time for your change.”</div><br>Her lips purse.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Next thing I know, I’m pinned to the bed.&nbsp; She’s on top of me.&nbsp; And I can feel every stitch of that towel slowly slipping off of me.&nbsp; And my heart is like wham-wham-wham against her weight.&nbsp; And everything smells like her.</div><br>JANE swallows.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>And she smells good.</div><br>She glares daggers at the camera.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>I fought her off.&nbsp; Sorry, boys.&nbsp; I fought really, really hard.</div><br>JANE shakes her head.<br><br><div align="center">JANE <br>And it is less-than-pleasant, fighting naked, I assure you.&nbsp; But I freaked out, and somehow I got her off of me, and got her out of my room.</div><br>Her hands hang.&nbsp; She tears up.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>I was so sure something was going to happen – my body was on fire – and I was so scared because I didn’t know what it would be.&nbsp; I locked my door and I knew it wouldn’t be enough to stop her if she wanted in.&nbsp; Everything felt like a fucking joke compared to how strong she had been, pinning me down.</div><br>JANE frowns with a trembling lip.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>I felt like my whole life had been a fucking joke.&nbsp; All that hard work, and I had been so unprepared when I needed most to be ready.&nbsp; I felt helpless.</div><br>She sneers.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Then I saw what she’d done.</div><br>She glares.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Drama Queen.&nbsp; Not moving.&nbsp; His wheel broken right off its hinge.</div><br>JANE growls like a wolf the size of a VW mini-bus.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>She’d killed my hamster.</div><br>JANE snaps off the camera.<br>
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				Title: <strong>Re: [EX] Werewolf Mountain: "Cannibal Jane's" YouTube vLog</strong><br>
				Post by: <strong>VandalSavage</strong> on <strong>14-11-2008, 03:56:41</strong>
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				<span style="font-size: 14pt;" class="bbc_size"><strong>"How I Became A Werewolf - Part 3/4"</strong></span><br><br>INT. DINGY MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT<br><br>Cypress Hill booms from a portable stereo behind JANE, who stands with a shotgun in one hand and a bottle of Clorox in the other.&nbsp; She wears a backwards baseball cap.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Hi, Mouseketeers!&nbsp; Tonight is the third episode in our series, “How I Became A Werewolf.”&nbsp; It’s called, “How To Kill The Skank That Makes You Into A Werewolf.”</div><br>She pouts theatrically.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Awww, don’t worry, goth kids out there.&nbsp; I won’t skip the part about how one becomes a shape-shifting stalker of the night.</div><br>JANE leans in, eyes narrow, to whisper.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>It’s just really easy.</div><br>She straightens and speaks while jostling the Clorox.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Four easy steps.&nbsp; One, on the night you're almost raped or whatever, decide to go find Abe and Vera at the Drum Core concert in person, rather than over the phone, since your phone might be tapped by lesbians.&nbsp; Two, crash your Prius into a construction trench.&nbsp; Three, freeze in terror when a giant wolf approaches you in downtown Berkeley.&nbsp; Four, get bit.</div><br>JANE points the gun at the camera.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>You too could become a lusty lupine lesbo!</div><br>She grins crookedly, humorlessly.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Of course, if you are already, and you’re watching this, you better show some belly now, bitch, because you can’t run far or fast enough to get away from me.</div><br>JANE brightens and spreads her arms.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Which brings us to the best part of this episode, “How To Do Right To The Wolf What Done You Wrong.”</div><br>She shoves the gun and bleach at the camera.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Steps one and two.&nbsp; You will need these.</div><br>She draws them back, then bobs the shotgun.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>This is Mister Step One.&nbsp; His maiden name is the Remington 1100 semi-automatic shotgun.&nbsp; Now that Drama Queen is gone, he is your best friend.</div><br>JANE strokes her finger down a tube on the shotgun’s stock, showing it to the camera.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>See this lovely?&nbsp; That’s the extended ammo tube.&nbsp; You’ll want to get it and you’ll want to be packing twelve gauges.</div><br>She smiles.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Don’t worry about the recoil, Nancy.&nbsp; The 1100 is gas powered and has sliding mechanism installed to reduce any kickback to baby farts.</div><br>She taps the stock.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>These shells are store bought, but you’ll want to crack them open and fill them with the little bee-bees that are all that’s left of the Chomsky family silver after you melted it down.&nbsp; You can use basic tools to do this, and the instructions are, like all things, available 24-7 on “teh Internets.”</div><br>The shotgun is swiveled to point its gaping barrel at the camera.&nbsp; JANE looks tough.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Remember those additional loads.&nbsp; Werewolves soak up a lot of death once you have them trapped.&nbsp; Which brings us to tonight’s word…</div><br>JANE pulls the shotgun back, shoves the Clorox at the camera.&nbsp; She makes a “boosh” noise.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Bleach.&nbsp; Step Two.&nbsp; It messes with the wolf sniffer.</div><br>She jiggles it, looking at it pensively.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>How you use it is up to you.&nbsp; Just make sure that your target doesn’t smell it when she comes over thinking you’re all confused, needing answers, looking for a hand to hold, cause you called her and mentioned you’d been drinking, and blah blah blah.</div><br>Jane sets down the bleach.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Tear gas.&nbsp; Bleach bombs.&nbsp; You can make just about anything out of the stuff.&nbsp; Me, I got inventive and filled balloons with them, then set the balloons next to the vents of my central heating with pins balanced against them.&nbsp; So when Sonja came over, and I locked the doors behind her, all I had to do was crank on the thermostat and bang!</div><br>JANE’s eyes and arms go wide.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Bleach vapor everywhere!</div><br>She gets grim, talking steadily, sighting down the gun at the camera.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Then when she’s all, “Oh Em Gee; I thought we were friends,” you let Mr. Remington 12-gauge do the talking.</div><br>JANE studies the gun, cradling it.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Oh, she’ll try to talk a good game.&nbsp; You’ll probably hear all the Earth-Firster nonsense about how you’re a guardian of nature now and how they just want you in the pack.</div><br>She shakes her head.<br><br><div align="center">JANE <br>No mercy, Mouseketeers.&nbsp; They don’t show you any mercy when they bite.</div><br>JANE taps her head.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>One thing to remember, muy importante:&nbsp; Death throes.</div><br>She wiggles her finger pedantically at the camera.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Once you’ve given Ms. Thing a ride on the silver bullet, you might think that account’s closed, but think again.&nbsp; She will turn into a kind of half-wolf-alligator-half-lesbian of giant proportions and seriously put the hurt on your décor.&nbsp; So shop IKEA or have your heart-to-heart in a place you don’t mind getting messy, but either way, keep your distance.</div><br>JANE sobers, staring at the floor.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>People get hurt around werewolves.&nbsp; All they do is hurt.&nbsp; So, don’t make the mistake of having an open fireplace nearby when they go all Ragnarok before they die.</div><br>JANE brightens, bitterly.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>However, I should note that in the deaths of Abe and Vera that resulted from the house fire, I was not held accountable.&nbsp; The courts have ruled, in their infinite wisdom, that the Ativan they took before sleeping that night was what failed to wake them at the sound of the shotgun blasts and smoke detectors.</div><br>She shrugs, looking up at the camera.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Alright, it wasn’t a ruling.&nbsp; More an out of court settlement.&nbsp; After all, it wasn’t the kind of thing Merck Pharmaceuticals wanted to let get out, and besides, I have very good lawyers.</div><br>JANE drums her fingers on the shotgun.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>The result was a very generous fund for yours truly.&nbsp; It’s not much of a consolation.</div><br>She taps her shoulder.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Thanks to Sonja’s bite there, there’s no going back to a life of molecular bio and nuclear families for poor, plain Jane.&nbsp; Now whenever I get my monthlies or go into a high dudgeon, I turn into a flesh-eating biological faux pas.</div><br>She slumps.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Not dinner party material.&nbsp; </div><br>Her lips purse.&nbsp; She picks up the control.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Funding does have its perks, though.&nbsp; For as you’ll find, my friends, that werewolves run in packs.&nbsp; So, when it comes to ridding the world of their menace, they’re just like Pringles.</div><br>The video switches off.<br>
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			<dt class="postheader">
				Title: <strong>Re: [EX] Werewolf Mountain: "Cannibal Jane's" YouTube vLog</strong><br>
				Post by: <strong>VandalSavage</strong> on <strong>14-11-2008, 04:00:51</strong>
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				<span style="font-size: 14pt;" class="bbc_size"><strong>"How I Became A Werewolf - Part 4/4"</strong></span><br><br>INT. DINGY MOTEL ROOM – MORNING<br><br>JANE sits on the chair, wearing a ‘Weird Science’ T-shirt, boxers and knee-high gym socks.&nbsp; Her hair is sleep tousled.&nbsp; There is a skull and a glass of soy milk on the nightstand beside her.<br><br>JANE twiddles her fingers in greeting.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Hi, gang!&nbsp; Welcome to our last and final installment of “How I Became A Werewolf,” “How To Not Be A Werewolf Any Longer.”</div><br>JANE gestures toward the skull.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>This is my co-host, Rita. </div> <br><br>JANE looks at the skull while drinking some milk.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Not going to say hello, Rita?&nbsp; That’s unlike you.</div><br>She sets the milk down.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>You’re usually so chatty.</div><br>JANE turns back to the camera, steepling her fingers.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Well, Rita is being shy, kids, but hopefully she’ll chime in later in the program when we come to the subject of getting to know her.&nbsp; First, I blind you with science:</div><br>She leans in, finger raised.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Lycanthropy has a cure. </div> <br><br>She nods seriously.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Lycanthropy, that is the condition of turning into a batshit-nuts monster every time you get your period, has a cure.&nbsp; It must have a cure.&nbsp; Any disease has an origin, and that means, it can be eliminated and cured.</div><br>JANE touches her chest.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>I, Jane Chomsky, have taken it upon myself to find the cure.&nbsp; I resolved to do this after I ate all twelve of Mrs. VanWyk’s cats.&nbsp; My resolve was later firmed after I ate the upholstery out of my new Prius. </div><br>JANE socks her fist into her palm.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>I swore then I would not fail!<br>(beat)<br>Problem was, I had no test subjects.</div><br>JANE picks up her milk and settles back.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Science needs test subjects.&nbsp; And when a scientific process is just starting off, you need to get a little messy.&nbsp; </div><br>She sips, laughs, then sets the glass back.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>I couldn’t very well just shoot myself up with random drugs!&nbsp; I needed a lab rat.<br>(beat)<br>Lab wolf.&nbsp; Whatever.</div><br>JANE drums her fingertips together.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>(in a Dr. Evil voice)<br>Fortunately, Sonja had an address book she was no longer using.</div><br>JANE settles her hands.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>I did some Googling and found out that one of Sonja’s pathetically few friends was in an area where there had been some recent large animal sightings and pet disappearances.</div><br>Her eyebrow climbs.&nbsp; She nods.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Mhmmm.</div><br>Her hands sit on her thighs.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Stalking people is really easy, viewers at home.&nbsp; This is because most people don’t pay attention to who’s following them.&nbsp; Little clues like repeat sightings, a car following a few lanes over, a few pieces of missing mail – it trips no alarms.</div><br>She shakes her head.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Drugging someone?&nbsp; Pretty easy too.&nbsp; Especially when, like Sonja’s friend, you’re talking about a suburban mom with a regular smoothie habit.</div><br>She glances to the side; glances back.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Just get past the feeling of your pee freezing when you put the rohypnol in her juice, and you’ll do fine.</div><br>She glances to the side; glances back.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Unless you don’t have werewolf strength like I do.<br>(beat)<br>Best bring a friend to move the body.</div><br>JANE leans back to finish her milk.&nbsp; She revolves the glass in her hands.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Once you’ve got her tied to the surgical table you’ve installed in the new double-wide you bought under a fake name, put some bona fide, pure wolfbane extract around her.&nbsp; It discourages any surprising explosions into wolfiness.</div><br>JANE sits to the edge of the chair.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>With the medical tubing tight and the wolfbane kicking, the werewolf will have no choice but to talk.&nbsp; And talk she will!</div><br>JANE rolls her eyes.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>On and on about Mother Nature and circles of life and all that Lion King bullshit, and yadda yadda, please I have three kids—</div><br>JANE slices the air with her hand, glaring.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>You just keep in mind that her kids are better without a mom who’ll eat them like jujubes if she forgets her Pamprin one month.&nbsp; You just keep in mind that you’re finding a cure – that you did not want to be this way, all wolf-prone and gay – and that it is people like her, who tolerate that kind of granola crap about werewolves being a force for good that are ruining the lives of perfectly happy bio-chem majors!</div><br>She catches her breath, shaking.&nbsp; JANE settles back.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Hyaluronic genetic washes are not the cure.&nbsp; Nor are anti-phase cellular rejection therapies.&nbsp; Enzymatic regression just causes a rapid, fatal cancer.</div><br>JANE broods.&nbsp; Then she brightens, turning on the skull.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>So, Rita?&nbsp; What do you do you when your lab wolf shrivels up and dies?</div><br>JANE listens, cupping her hands together in front of her face.&nbsp; Then she nods.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Righty-O – you get a new one!</div><br>She reaches out to rub the skull.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Which brings us to Rita here.&nbsp; Lovely Rita, leeter maid.</div><br>JANE looks back at the camera.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Rita was Sonja’s BFF, and she had gone into hiding.&nbsp; A little creative sleuthing, mostly thanks to some sappy vacation photos Sonja had, led me to the cabin where she was hiding out.</div><br>JANE grins crookedly at the skull.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>You had solar panels and motion detectors to go with your herb garden and recyclable toilet.&nbsp; I just thought that was as precious as modern primitive can be.</div><br>JANE jabs a thumb at the skull, talks to the camera.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Rita had quite the set up, but I managed to sneak right up to her porch and give her a kiss hello from Mr. Remington, right on the lower back, point blank.</div><br>JANE smiles fondly with the skull, like a married couple.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>And then you gave me my name.</div><br>She sighs and then dips down to pick up a T-shirt from beside the chair – the same T-shirt she wore earlier, with her face and ‘CANNIBAL JANE’ on it.&nbsp; She lifts it to the camera.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Cannibal Jane, she called me.<br>(imitating a southern drawl badly)<br>‘We all’re coming to know you, Cannibal Jane.&nbsp; We call you that ‘cause you prey on your own kind.’</div><br>JANE peeks around the T-shirt.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Rita did a lot of talking too.</div><br>She sets it down.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>About where the werewolves nest, where they group, their tribes, the things they like and don’t like – it was like a freakin’ eight-part NOVA series narrated by a naked paraplegic strapped to a table!</div><br>JANE settles.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Then, after I’d recorded it all, I got to work on her.<br>(beat)<br>Chemicals were played out.&nbsp; So I went to the knife and fire with Rita.</div><br>JANE glances at the skull.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>I did a lot of good work on you before you pooped out, girlfriend.</div><br>JANE hides her mouth from the skull with a hand and stage whispers to the camera.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>It was gross.</div><br>She sobers and slumps back.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Science usually is, though.&nbsp; This won’t be a process fit for princesses.&nbsp; But compared to waking up with pieces of somebody’s schnauzer stuck in your eye teeth, well, small price to pay.</div><br>She grins wide.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>And I’ll have plenty of opportunity to pay it.&nbsp; See, Rita had quite the Cerebro set-up at her cabin.&nbsp; She was keeping tabs on the whole werewolf nation.&nbsp; Total furry friendster.</div><br>JANE nods.<br><br><div align="center">JANE <br>So I’ll work my way down the list.&nbsp; </div><br>She pokes at the camera.<br><br><div align="center">JANE <br>I will find the cure.</div><br>She pokes both fingers.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>And I will get on Survivor.</div><br>JANE beams and shrugs.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>If wiping out the werewolf menace with medical testing and auto shotguns can’t get you on Survivor, then, Jeff, I just don’t know what more there is to say.</div><br>Her smile begins to sink.<br><br>JANE looks at the skull.&nbsp; She looks suspiciously at the camera.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Hm.</div><br>JANE looks at the rifle.&nbsp; She looks back at the skull.&nbsp; She looks at the camera.<br><br>She picks up the remote.<br><br><div align="center">JANE<br>Then again, maybe I should think twice about letting anyone see this tape.</div><br>The video shuts off.<br>
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