"Whoopsie-Doodle! Looks Like I Went to Hell!": Chapter 1 of Against Her Tendrils
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							<h1 class="p-title-value"><span class="label label--gray" dir="auto">Multiple Settings</span><span class="label-append">&nbsp;</span>"Whoopsie-Doodle! Looks Like I Went to Hell!": Chapter 1 of Against Her Tendrils
	
	

	

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					<div class="bbWrapper">You absentmindedly pick at your breakfast waffle. It's completely soaked through with syrup, just the way you like it, but it's still hard to be happy about it. It's the first day of your final year at high school!<br>
<br>
<br>
	Again.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Sure, you could say your first trip around as a senior was just a warm-up, but it's hard to not feel like a complete idiot, as you look around the lunchroom, looking out across a sea of people you don't know at all. You never really socialized with the lower grades, and that's come back to bite you pretty hard. You're the incompetent&nbsp;girl...well, nineteen years old now, let's get real: You're the incompetent woman still stuck in high school. You continue to poke at your waffles, from your cushy seat in the back of the cafeteria, squatting in the corner. The only sounds being the ambient, indistinct conversations of students, and the moist crunch of waffles. You swallow and sigh. "This is dumb." You quietly mumble to yourself in between mouthfuls of waffle. You shake your head.<br>
<br>
<br>
	&nbsp;"I mean, who am I even talking to right now?" You fight back angst-laden&nbsp;tears with a heaping mouthful of waffle. You angrily mumble to yourself, words obscured by a large bolus of waffle in your mouth. "Goddamn, I'd rather be dead than go through this stupid year again." You furiously shove the remainder of the waffle in your mouth, so you can move on with the day, maybe find a bathroom stall to cry in. You'll feel better then. You swallow the waffle.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Let's try that again: You swallow the waffle.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Alright, no need to panic, you just ate a little too quickly that's all. You pound on your chest. Good as new! You swallow the--Oh no, okay so maybe it is a little stuck. You grab at your milk carton. Empty? Well, that's okay, it is just a waffle after all, it'll break down soon enough. The feeling of discomfort will pass, just take a deep breath, Irene.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Alright, so you can't breathe. But, you know you can always just--panic? No, let's not panic, we can stay cool. Like jab a straw down there? Move the obstruction?<br>
<br>
<br>
	Your lungs flutter, you grow dizzy.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Well, you're in a cafeteria, you're going to be okay, it's not you're sitting alone in a corner, obscured by a lunch table. Someone can help out right? Just have to stand up and--alright, okay, jacket is stuck on the table. That's okay, everything is fine. Everything is fine.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You scream, but there is nothing, save for the muffled gurgles of a barely chewed waffle. You desperately gasp at your throat as everything goes numb. Whatever. It's okay. You'll wake up in the nurse's office you idiot. Just need to chew more carefully next time! Lesson learned Irene! You close your eyes, feeling content with the lesson learned.<br>
<br>
<br>
	-----<br>
<br>
<br>
	You awaken, uncomfortably hot.&nbsp;Your eyes flutter open, and your nose is assaulted with the fierce smell of sulfur and brimstone. You bolt upright from the cavern floor, and look around. The cave looks likes a&nbsp;Hieronymus Bosch painting. Spade tailed imps flutter around in the distance, cackling over pools of boiling magma.&nbsp;You roll your eyes as hard as you can.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Awww, crap."<br>
<br>
<br>
	What do you do?<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Try your hardest to wake up?<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Enjoy what is surely the start of a pleasant dream?<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;&nbsp;Dejectedly roll around the floor and feel sorry for yourself?<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Reader's choice?</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper"><span style="color: rgb(90,90,90)">---&gt;&nbsp;Dejectedly roll around the floor and feel sorry for yourself.</span></div>
				
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			<span style="color: rgb(90,90,90)">---&gt;&nbsp;Dejectedly roll around the floor and feel sorry for yourself.</span>
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	You blink slowly, trying your best to comprehend your surroundings. "Well." You think to yourself, "It looks like that was just the culmination of an increasingly poor series of decisions." You limply let yourself collapse back to the cavern floor. You run your hands across your face, and groan out loud to no one in particular:<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Oh my Gooood, I'm in hell."<br>
<br>
<br>
	Your pitiful complaint echoes throughout the cavern, eventually swallowed by the sounds of bubbling fury, and tortured screaming. You resolve to do what Mom always taught you do when you're at your very worst. Cry a lot and drink. Well, can't really drink down here, and no matter how hard you try to get upset about the entire predicament, you can't seem to muster up a single tear. You groan quietly once more. "I am the worst. I can't even be properly distraught over my ultimate faaaaa-aaaate." The last word final seems to turn on the water works, and hot salty tears stream down your face, evaporating into a fine steam as they hit the cavern floor. You idly remember that steam would be pretty nice for your clogged pores. You quickly correct yourself:<br>
<br>
<br>
	"But I'm deeeeaaaad, ugghhhhh---"<br>
<br>
<br>
	There is a sharp, metallic jab at your rear. You quit your incessant caterwauling for a brief moment to glance at your assailant. A towering, portly demon is prodding you softly with a pitchfork. "Alright, come on lady, move it along.&nbsp;Let's get you sorted out." You squint. Is this really happening? You think over your next words very carefully.<br>
<br>
<br>
	What do you say and/or do?<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "I'm not really dead, right?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "What do you mean by sorting?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "Go away, I'm busy being sad."<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; [Inarticulate begging and pleading]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Reader's Choice?</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper"><span style="color: rgb(90,90,90)">---&gt; "Go away, I'm busy being sad."</span></div>
				
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			<span style="color: rgb(90,90,90)">---&gt; "Go away, I'm busy being sad."</span>
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</blockquote><br>
	Ditto.</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper"><span style="color: rgb(90,90,90)">--&gt; "Go away, I'm busy being sad."</span><br>
<br>
<br>
	-with 100% of the vote. (2/2)<br>
<br>
<br>
	You look up at him with watery eyes, and plaintively wail, "Just go away, leave me alone!" You pout. "I'm too busy being sad." You lower your head a little too quickly, rattling your skull against the floor, but that's fine, not like it matters anymore, since you're here and everything. I mean, what's the use in even--<br>
<br>
<br>
	You are effortlessly scooped up by your ankles and thrown over the demon's back into an extremely haphazard fireman's carry. You attempt to flail around in protest, but years of skipping out on gym class have rendered you unable to put in much effort before you're winded. You impotently wheeze against his back hairs, and resolve to cry some more. It's a low and unsteady moan, but your tears don't find time to fall out of your eyes before his gravelly, rumbling voice cuts you off.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Cripes, you are a complete mess lady. Get it together, I mean you're pretty young. You&nbsp;<i>had</i>&nbsp;to have known you were coming here right?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"No! I was putting off my theological crises for middle age! I didn't even have time to think about this stuff!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Okay, guess that's makes sense. Not even dedicating yourself to a virtuous life is like the fast track to here."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"But I did good in my community!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Yeah, that's pretty small potatoes kid. If you did&nbsp;<i>anything</i>&nbsp;of note, you would have been up in Purgatorio getting some extra units in."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Units?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Don't worry about it; You're here forever now. So, how'd you die anyway? Most kids your age&nbsp;<i>are</i>&nbsp;dickin' around in Purgatorio."<br>
<br>
<br>
	He stops for a second, and you slap against his sweaty back. Smells like someone set a dumpster on fire. He raises a claw to his chin, and scratches.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I'm gonna guess...suicide? I mean, you look like a real sad sack, so I think it's a pretty good guess."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You sigh, roll your eyes and tell him...<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; That it&nbsp;was more of a "very poorly thought out death wish"&nbsp;kind of thing.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; To go jump into a burning lake and die again, because it's none of his business.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; That you committed the cardinal sin of not chewing your food.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Reader's Choice</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper"><span style="color: rgb(90,90,90)">---&gt; To go jump into a burning lake and die again, because it's none of his business.</span></div>
				
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6697955" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6697955">budgieboo said:</a>
			
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			<span style="color: rgb(90,90,90)">---&gt; To go jump into a burning lake and die again, because it's none of his business.</span>
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	"What do you care, you fat sack of turds? You're stuck here too, so it doesn't even matter. Go jump into a burning lake and die." You exhale angrily, shooting your bangs upwards. You quietly finish your outburst, "...Well, die again, I guess." The demon bursts into a cackling peal of laughter, wiping away a sizzling tear from his eye.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Ooh, girly, you are a hoot and a half! Clearly you belong here. You're nothin' but piss, tears and&nbsp;vinegar, aren't ya?" Recalcitrant, you slam a fist into his back. It makes a moist "thud." You whine.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I can walk you know."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Well, when I found you, you were doing anything but that."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I would have gotten around to it eventually."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"That's the battle cry of your generation, isn't it?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	Before you can snark back, you are unceremoniously swung by your ankles off of the demon's back. You scream in terror, still processing the fact that nothing worse could realistically happen to you. You crash into an over sized bean bag chair that smells vaguely like a deep fryer. You crane your head to the side, and notice, at the last second, the Demon throwing a large grey rectangle at you. You flinch reflexively, and it bounces off of your arms. The demon groans, picks it up, and drops it into your lap.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Come on, log on, you miserable soul."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"W-What?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Ugh."<br>
<br>
<br>
	The demon grabs at your hand, and forces the laptop open. It's running hot and slow. The keyboard is faded and grimy. The Operating System is Windows 8. Your heart palpitates.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Okay, now just click right here..."<br>
<br>
<br>
	<br>
	The demon slides a massive finger across the touch pad over to an icon labeled "ORIENTATION" and double clicks it.&nbsp;"Okay, just go ahead and answer to the best of your ability, I'll be right here." He strides over to a small opening in the room, and squats in front of it, glaring at you. You look around, bewildered. This is a very small room. Another person, let alone another&nbsp;eight foot demon, would make it absolutely cramped. You dab at a bead of sweat on your forehead with your jacket, and look at the computer screen.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"HELLO, Irene Theresa Baker! WELCOME TO HELL! YOUR SOUL VALUE IS NEGATIVE THREE MILLION, EIGHT HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE THOUSAND, TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY-FIVE. READY TO GET STARTED?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You arch an eyebrow. "What in the ever-living fuck is this?" The screen flashes.<br>
<br>
<br>
	SWEARING DETECTED. UPDATING.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"What?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"HELLO, Irene Theresa Baker! WELCOME TO HELL! YOUR SOUL VALUE IS NEGATIVE THREE MILLION, EIGHT HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE THOUSAND, TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY-SEVEN. READY TO GET STARTED?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Oh, for the love of God--" The screen flashes once more.<br>
<br>
<br>
	LORD'S NAME USED IN VAIN. UPDATING.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Aw no, come on--"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"HELLO, Irene Theresa Baker! WELCOME TO HELL! YOUR SOUL VALUE IS NEGATIVE THREE MILLION, EIGHT HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE THOUSAND, TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY. READY TO GET STARTED?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Ugh, fine, whatever."&nbsp;The screen stays unresponsive. You glance back and forth.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I mean, yes."<br>
<br>
<br>
	LOADING.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You groan. The demon chuckles. "It doesn't take that long. Relatively. I mean, your time doesn't mean that much anymore." You roll your eyes, and look at the screen.<br>
<br>
<br>
	IN ORDER TO HELP US SERVE YOUR NEEDS, PLEASE IDENTIFY THE CARDINAL SIN YOU MOST IDENTIFY WITH.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You look at your options and think over all of the wonderful things you've done with your life, and which one really sticks out in your mind right now.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; My browser history&nbsp;and hard drive contents are...unique to say the least. Aw, crap, you hope no one is digging through that now. [Click Lust]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; You have purchased boxes of girl scout cookies for dinner&nbsp;on more than one occasion. You would then usually follow that up by going out with friends for dinner.&nbsp;[Click Gluttony]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Over summer break, I launched a successful Gofundme to pay for my chemotherapy bills. I do not have cancer, but I did have a sweet phone to show for it. [Click Greed.]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; During Junior year, you hired someone over the internet to write all of your final term papers. You then never got around to actually submitting that&nbsp;work. [Click Sloth.]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Your Doctor told you to watch your weight last year, so in an entirely appropriate response, You bought a set of weights and threw them through his car window. [Click Wrath]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; When you flipped through the mail last fall and saw that your Sister had been accepted to Yale, you threw it away and doctored up a rejection letter. Couldn't have her making you look bad. [Click Envy]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; You remember something about this in Literature Class. Satan fell because of pride or something right? If we're going to hell, might as well get the executive suite. [Click Pride]<br>
<br>
<br>
	(The responses to this post will be finalized in 24 hours, since you have so many options this time.)</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper"><span style="color: rgb(90,90,90)">---&gt; When you flipped through the mail last fall and saw that your Sister had been accepted to Yale, you threw it away and doctored up a rejection letter. Couldn't have her making you look bad. [Click Envy]</span></div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; My browser history&nbsp;and hard drive contents are...unique to say the least. Aw, crap, you hope no one is digging through that now. [Click Lust]</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">Split vote!<br>
<br>
<br>
	---<br>
<br>
<br>
	You drum your fingers across the keyboard, half thinking, half trying to make yourself out in the reflection. You haven't examined yourself, so you can only hope you haven't turned into some gaunt skeleton, but your reflection, or at least your reflection in this dirty, scratched screen seems to reveal the same old Irene you've been used to. Not even any sick new demon horns or anything. You stop daydreaming, and focus on the question at hand.<br>
<br>
<br>
	I mean, when you think about it now, you were kind of the worst, but when you reflect on everything, those two instances really scream out at you. That was a&nbsp;<i>truly</i>&nbsp;and profoundly terrible thing to do to Josie, but she needed to be knocked down a peg, and besides, it was nice having a brief couple of hours where you&nbsp;<i>weren't</i>&nbsp;the black sheep. I guess you really did spend a lot of time just dragging other people down to make yourself look better.<br>
<br>
<br>
	But, on the other hand you have downloaded an awful lot of...stuff over your&nbsp;short few years of sexual proclivity. I mean, it's not like you&nbsp;<i>acted&nbsp;</i>on those impulses, right?<br>
<br>
<br>
	You mull things over.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You're in hell Irene, let's get real. So maybe you did leave Peter Buttonwillow, naked, bound and gagged by the side of the road that one time, and maybe Raul Bustamonte&nbsp;<i>did</i>&nbsp;have to stay home for a week after that night together. But you know, not like you'd do that everyday if you were given the chance.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You bite at your lower lip and roll your eyes.&nbsp;Just kidding.&nbsp;<i>Of course you would do it again.</i><br>
<br>
<br>
	You're at a bit of a loss here. You shout over to your captor.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Hey, uh, so what do I pick if I was uh, like, really terrible?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	He snorts. "I thought you said you didn't belong here?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I had some soul searching time, I guess. Can I pick multiple options?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	He glares at you incredulously. "Can you just pick one and hurry up?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I thought you said my time was worthless now."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Well,&nbsp;<i>mine</i>&nbsp;isn't."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You sigh, and look at the two options. I mean, if you were really being honest with yourself, you would click all of them, but that's not really a possibility. You try some thought exercises.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Well, I've been envious about other people's sexual exploits...but I haven't lusted for someone else's...er...envy."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You pause, clearly confused by your own tragically inept train of thought, shrug and select ENVY.<br>
<br>
<br>
	The computer flashes to a loading screen once again. You instinctively groan once more.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"How long is this gonna take? I'm booor--" The demon snaps at you.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Cripes! Shut up! There is seriously, one more page, I have never seen anyone so incompetent!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	This gives you an idea.Three ideas to be exact:<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Flip the computer off and blame a system crash in an attempt to stall eternal damnation.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Feign incompetence, ask for assistance, and run like hell when the door way is not blocked.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Hurl the computer across the room and start having&nbsp;an apoplectic tantrum.</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper"><span style="color: rgb(90,90,90)">---&gt; Hurl the computer across the room and start having&nbsp;an apoplectic tantrum.</span></div>
				
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6703968" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6703968">budgieboo said:</a>
			
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			<span style="color: rgb(90,90,90)">---&gt; Hurl the computer across the room and start having&nbsp;an apoplectic tantrum.</span>
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	You were always a fighter Irene; a rebel. Were you just going to roll over and let hell have it's way with you? Hell no! But then, there is a niggling thought that creeps across your mind: "Gee, I don't think I can really do much to slow the progress of the underworld itself."<br>
<br>
<br>
	Yes, surely enough, your rebellion would not even be a drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of things. It would be a&nbsp;single grain of sand, dropped into the deepest ocean. While you cannot muster the spirit to rebel and make a final stand in hell, you do find it easy enough to let your angst consume you. You prepare an articulate condemnation of everything wrong with your current situation.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"AAAARRRRGH! FIFTY-FIVE MEGAFUCKS!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You send the laptop soaring across the cavern--well, you would have if you were a little more composed. In actuality, you manage to fling it a good four feet, but the end result is the same: A burst of sparks and smoke as the broken machine clicks to a halt. The demon stands up and storms towards you, furious.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Alright, that's it, you are terrible, even for here." He points a sausage sized figure at the smoldering mess on the floor. "That thing lasted for fifty thousand plus applications, and&nbsp;<i>you&nbsp;</i>out of all people go ahead and muck up the whole works. You cannot hide your overwhelming smugness. "Alright girly, we're taking you straight to the Department of Infernal Affairs." Your grin slides off your face.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"The what now?"<br>
	"Infernal Affairs, we need to get you set up for community service to pay off that broken property!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You stand, dumbstruck.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Am-am I seriously getting community service in hell?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Well how else will you repay your debt to society?!"<br>
	"I'm in hell! I've defaulted on all my societal loans!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	He scratches thoughtfully at his chin. "Wow, you really are the worst. Alright, come on, follow me."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"What, you're not going to carry me anymore?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"You said you could walk yourself. And you could use the exercise."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You scoff and scowl. A deep dark part of you was at least hoping for some truly fantastic level of depraved torture, but now you're getting served the same mundane suffering your everyday was comprised of. You chew over your options.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; The Demon isn't blocking the door anymore! Run like hell!<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Stand and continue to argue your case until your clearly righteous position stands triumphant.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Allow The Demon to escort you and use everything in your power to stall the trip as much as possible.</div>
				
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			<span style="color: rgb(90,90,90)">---&gt; Stand and continue to argue your case until your clearly righteous position stands triumphant.</span>
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	You place your hands on your hips, and stand defiantly. The demon arches an eyebrow. You speak, confidently,<br>
<br>
<br>
	"What use would that exercise even be down here?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Come on, it'd probably be helpful if you could handle more than a couple of minutes of whatever without falling apart."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"But, isn't my physical suffering one of the primary goals of hell? Ergo, it would better serve me to&nbsp;<i>not&nbsp;</i>walk around."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You nod confidently. Airtight. The demon slaps at his forehead.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Nope, you don't get to win arguments down here. Not how it works, because our job is to make sure you have a real horrible time, and if you go about getting your way every now and then, that's counter-intuitive to our whole 'thing.'"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"And wouldn't that constant dangling temptation of something better be even more painful when I can't fully grasp it? I should be able to&nbsp;win at least&nbsp;<i>some</i>&nbsp;of the arguments. It'd actually be worse that way."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Hm."<br>
<br>
<br>
	The demon pauses for a moment, and mumbles to himself. He grins.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"So, right now, lady, is actually a pretty good example of that."<br>
	"Yeah?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Yeah! 'Cause see, you can argue until your blue, but you're still in Hell. Without any ways to meaningfully change yer environment, you are ultimately led to what is essentially, a binary decision tree."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You blink.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Uh, you have two choices." He holds out two portly fingers. "Stay in this room and continue to argue with me until you get bored, or be the better person and just come with me to Infernal Affairs."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"What's stopping me from arguing forever?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	He shrugs. "You'll get bored, and your sense of curiosity will consume you. Also, I am not an inexhaustible well of entertaining dialogue. As I grow more and more dull, you'll be begging to get out, trust me.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Hmm.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Filibuster vigilantly.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Get on with something less&nbsp;boring than 'Philosophy with&nbsp;Mr. Demon.'<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Reader's Choice?</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper"><span style="color: rgb(90,90,90)">---&gt; Get on with something less&nbsp;boring than 'Philosophy with&nbsp;Mr. Demon.'</span><br>
<br>
<br>
	<span style="color: rgb(39,42,52)">-with 100% of the vote. (2/2)</span><br>
<br>
<br>
	You angrily rub at your nose, knuckles pushing into your septum piercing. He's got you cornered, and it feels awful to have to admit that. After a little soul searching, you hop to your feet and artfully&nbsp;dodge the subject:<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Sorry, I zoned out there. Come on, let's go then, it's too hot here."<br>
<br>
<br>
	He chuckles, as waves you over. You begin walking down a thin passageway hugging a canyon wall. You would have stopped to marvel at the scenery had this towering mass of demonic muscle not been continuing to push you forward on the path. You almost stumble on a small rounded stone. The demon guffaws at your agility. You scoff, turning on your heel.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"You know, you're a real jerk. I mean, you don't need to kick me while I'm down, like,&nbsp;I'm pretty far down already."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Yeah Irene, I've got some news for you about how hell works. You see--"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Oh, hey!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You cut him off, voice crackling excitedly. The change in scenery was simply too exciting. As you finally round the canyon wall, a towering city stands before you, nestled in the distance of a yawning valley. The demon speaks.&nbsp;"That's&nbsp;Pandæmonium. Home." His voice trails off. You snort.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"What, are you, like, homesick or something? You live in hell."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Hey, this is my ancestral homeland, I've always been here, unlike&nbsp;<i>you,&nbsp;</i>you lousy tourist."<br>
<br>
<br>
	Your eyes sparkle at the last line, not only because of the implication, but because of the rather improbable building you spied off in the outskirts of the city....An airport? You cup runneth over with questions. You hold a small inner council meeting, and after several seconds of intense debate, you ask the best formed question you have:<br>
<br>
<br>
	"What's that?" You say, pointing dumbly towards the airport.&nbsp;The Demon groans. "Look, Irene, it's nothing important, that's just&nbsp;Fiamma Sopra"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"&nbsp;Fiamma Sopra?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Yeah, the airport."&nbsp;Your brain churns over with a million questions. You speak, automatically.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"What...what does hell even need an airport for?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	&nbsp;The demon continues, unenthused.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Look,&nbsp;Fiamma Sopra serves a vital role in our community. I mean, without it, how would you expect us to--<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "Return to the surface to tempt the living?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "Get to Heaven for the quarterly conferences?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Reader's Choice?</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; "Get to Heaven for the quarterly conferences?"</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">"Take a flight around the lovely scenery?"</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">Tie vote! Rolling a d2 gave 2. Giving us--<br>
<br>




<blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="marorda" data-source="post: 6721647" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">
	
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6721647" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6721647">marorda said:</a>
			
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			"Take a flight around the lovely scenery?"
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		<div class="bbCodeBlock-expandLink js-expandLink"><a role="button" tabindex="0">Click to expand...</a></div>
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	"---Enjoy all of the natural beauty that Gehenna has to offer?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You blink slowly, in quiet disbelief. Your eyes narrow, and you try not to trip over your own tongue.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Wh-You have an airport just for inter-hell tourism?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Why would we not?<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Because it's really stupid."<br>
<br>
<br>
	He rubs at his nose. "Hey, look: The way you're bitching about this would be akin to me lambasting your human airports for not having the audacity to fly to the moon."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Well, duh, they can't fly to the moon."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"That is exactly my point!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You scratch at your scalp. You suppose that's a fair enough point. I mean, I suppose that it was an awfully stupid thought to entertain, even briefly. You sigh. The demon clearly picks up on this.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Hey, I know, a lot of you guys always hope that there's some kind of magic escape hatch from here, but that's just not how it works. You're here forever. So, why not, you know, just start the long walk towards accepting it?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You look down the long winding road to&nbsp;Pandæmonium. A filthy, bustling city. I mean, guess that's what the big ones were like on the surface too...but there is still a yearning for something, and you know exactly what it is. You look upward into the black, cavernous abyss. You'll never see the sun again. You'll never feel the sting of hot muggy rain from those freak summer storms. You'll never wince, laughing at the dying light of a sunset. You'll just be here now. You look down&nbsp;dejectedly, and mutter into your shirt as you begin walking again.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"So, like, what do I even do here?" The demon perks up.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Oh, you've got a surprising amount of autonomy down here, you'll just never really ever feel happy, so as long as that doesn't happen, you've got a lot of flex room."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"What do you do down here then? I mean, you seem pretty cheery--"<br>
<br>
<br>
	The demon trots in front of you, turns around and stares you in the eyes, his blazing red irises flaring. "Nope. I am not happy, not in the least bit. Every moment of eternity, I transport sniveling little turds like you down this long winding path, and not once has any of them ever suggested a novel idea worth entertaining for even a second. This <i>is</i>&nbsp;my personal hell. And in time, it will be yours too." He whips back around, and continues walking.<br>
<br>
<br>
	A hot tear rolls down your cheek, and no cool autumn breeze comes to wipe it away. You speak, your voice raspy, choking on your tears, "Why are you so mean?! I just went to hell!" He snorts. "Irene, I am a demon. It is in my nature. You are a human. It is in your nature to suffer and be miserable." The tears start racing down your face. You continue to march down the path, and you can't muster up the spirit to even be amazed by the alien landscape. You are lost in self-loathing for an indeterminate amount of time. You bump into your escort, and he slaps you on your back.&nbsp;"Alright, we're here kid."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You wipe at your burning eyes, and look up at a towering obsidian obelisk of a building. It must be at least eighty&nbsp;stories high. At the base of the steps leading towards the door, in a glowing script is the following:<br>
<br>
<br>
	"DEPARTMENT OF INFERNAL AFFAIRS"<br>
<br>
<br>
	Terrible creatures of every size and color bound in and out of the building in waves. You look to your escort, confused and scared.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Wait, what do I do now?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"This is your introduction to hell. Enjoy the red-tape, kid."<br>
<br>
<br>
	And with that, he scoops you up by the back of your jacket, and hurls you into the building. You scream, and land, sprawled against a grimy floor. Blood wells in your mouth. You bit your cheek pretty hard on the landing there. You look around the lobby, and are surprised to see that it very much looks like a hospital waiting room, only bathed in the light of several lava lamps. You look around, bewildered.The figures here are so alien, but some concepts must translate across time and space: Because there's clearly a bunch of lines, clearly some sort of front desk, and clearly, some sort of complementary donut table.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Well, better start figuring out what to do.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Leave through the front doors. I didn't come to hell to wait at the DMV.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Talk to...what you assume is the front desk.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Stand in a random line and see where that gets you.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Raid the snack table. I mean, technically you never finished breakfast after all.</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; Raid the snack table. I mean, technically you never finished breakfast after all.</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; Raid the snack table. I mean, technically you never finished breakfast after all.</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper"><span style="color: rgb(39,42,52)">---&gt; Raid the snack table. I mean, technically you never finished breakfast after all.</span><br>
<br>
<br>
	With 100% of the vote!<br>
<br>
<br>
	You run your sleeve against your lips, wiping away the blood. Well, there's always one easy way to get that taste out of your mouth. You stand up and walk over to the (presumably) free snack table. A mountain of crullers and bearclaws is piled up in the stained pink carton. You sink your teeth into a cruller.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Ah~"<br>
<br>
<br>
	That's just heavenly, and you aren't just being flippant. It really makes you wonder why they would have something so tasty down here. While you cannot ascertain why a stuffy government office in hell would have so many free treats, you were never the type to look a gift horse in the mouth. You empty your pockets, dirtying the floor with crumbled up receipts, clothespins, and various motes of dust and general grime. You proceed to line your jacket pockets with napkins, and stuff as many donuts as you can fit in there. Well, that's a total of four donuts shoved into your jacket, and I mean, you've got two hands for a reason right? You jam the half eaten cruller into your mouth and pilfer two more donuts, and turn around to look for a seat.<br>
<br>
<br>
	As you whirl around, you almost crash into another towering demon. He stands massively hunched over in the small office lobby. If he were fully extended he would easily pierce through the ceiling. He looks at you and coughs.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Miss, those are for employees only"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You chew over your thoughts, but to be honest, you chew over your cruller a lot more.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;"Oh yeah, my bad, I'm new here." [Flash Student ID]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;"Oh no, that lady said they were for everybody [Point indiscriminately towards the teller windows]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;[Continue eating donuts in hopes of defusing the situation]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Reader's Choice?<br>
<br>
<br>
	Also, if you'd care to discuss Irene's misadventures, here's the OOC thread:</div>
				
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			---&gt;"Oh no, that lady said they were for everybody [Point indiscriminately towards the teller windows]
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	You swallow the cruller, making sure not to choke on it, even though, realistically, nothing worse could happen even if you did. Your voice is meek.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Oh, uh, I guess someone told me they were for everyone? Yeah, it was that lady over there."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You waggle a finger in the general direction of the teller windows in the hopes that surely at least one person will fit that description. The demon merely lifts an eyebrow and looks aggravated. You whirl around, hoping that the gender distribution of the common Hell office was in your favor. Ah, no that's why he was giving you that look. All of the tellers are automated machines. As you nod your head, marveling at the automation in today's infernal society, you turn back towards the demon, ready to swallow your lies. You jam a bear claw into your mouth and shrug profusely, hoping to buy yourself a minute. The demon has no patience for this and yanks you by the arm, easily hoisting you off the floor.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Miss, you are in a lot of trouble."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Mmrmmph mmph mum."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Don't talk with your mouthful, it's extremely rude."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You swallow, rolling your eyes incredulously. "Dude, I'm in Hell, what are you realistically going to do to me?" You dangle hopelessly, a good three feet off the floor, as he carries you back into what you presume is the main office. A gaggle of terrible creatures in black ties patrol the floor. You receive no answer from your captor, so you resolve to spend the next couple of seconds trying to enjoy your free little trip. You close your eyes to enjoy the feeling of weightlessness, and seconds later, you are abruptly dropped to the floor. You're getting really tired of this method of transportation down here.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You look up from your crumpled position, to see a large serpent, with flames racing and hopping across its scales. Slipping down the length of his body is a poorly fitted necktie. The demon stands back at the door as the Snake addresses you, speaking in a surprisingly resonant baritone.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Miss Baker, I am sure that you are aware that your time here is not going to be spent eating donuts."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"No, I'm pretty sure that could be like, an ironic punishment. You know, like for gluttony? I mean, look at me."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You gesture downwards at yourself in the earnest hopes of eating garbage for eternity, but the snake barks out, cutting off your plea.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Hush! Irene, your admittance test, or at least the first 10% of it you completed, showed that you are more marked by being a terrible, envious soul, determined to better your life, without the consideration of others."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You rub your foot into the shag carpet, and speak, timidly, "Hey, well, uh who isn't? You know? Can I go now? I learned a valuable lesson about thinking about other people."<br>
<br>
<br>
	As you turn around to walk away, you find the demon still barring the door. Well, I guess that never worked with your mom either. The snake leans forward, pressing into his desk.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Irene, rarely have a seen a soul so young, and yet so tainted." He shakes his head, and begins extending himself, coiling high above you, head bumping against the ceiling. He bares his fangs, and lunges towards you, stopping inches in front of your face. He&nbsp;bellows,<br>
<br>
<br>
	<b>"ARE YOU READY TO MEET YOUR ULTIMATE FATE, IRENE THERESA BAKER?!"</b><br>
<br>
<br>
	It's a good thing you've been sweating all of the liquid out of you, because otherwise you probably would have wet yourself. Your mind races. This situation calls for a delicate touch.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; [Begin to cry uncontrollably]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; [Deny that you are Irene Baker.]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; [Run like hell.]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Reader's Choice?</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; [Deny that you are Irene Baker.]</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; [Begin to cry uncontrollably]</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper"><span style="color: rgb(39,42,52)">Tie vote! Rolling a d2 gave 1. Giving us--</span><br>
<br>




<blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="budgieboo" data-source="post: 6734972" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">
	
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			---&gt; [Deny that you are Irene Baker.]
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	You heart beats as hard as it can, slamming against your chest in an arrhythmic panic. You swallow, your mouth dry and trembling, and put your creative storytelling skills to use.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Uh, I'm not that Ire--that person you said."<br>
<br>
<br>
	The snake retracts his&nbsp;fangs, and narrows his eyes, sinking lower towards the ground. "I find that&nbsp;<i>extremely</i>&nbsp;difficult to believe."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Oh, well I can understand that confusion, I do have a twin sister after all."<br>
<br>
<br>
	Hey, that wasn't even a lie! Josie&nbsp;<i>is</i>&nbsp;your fraternal twin. I mean, you couldn't see her choking on her food, let alone going to hell, but until about an hour ago, you weren't able to very well imagine yourself going to hell. You further commit to the lie.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Yeah, I'm&nbsp;<i>Josie</i>&nbsp;Theresa Baker. Big mistake there. We're twins. Happens all the time though, NBD friendo!" You fire a disarming smile, hoping for the very best.<br>
<br>
<br>
	The snake recoils deeply behind his desk, and his delicate tail comes up from underneath, and gingerly taps at some keys on his keyboard. He squints at the screen, pupils darting back and forth for several minutes. He grumbles to himself occasionally, but beyond that he seems to be reading something very intently. Is this working? His eyes pull away from the screen, and look you up and down. His eyes dart back to the screen once more. He mumbles some profanities underneath his breath.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Cripes, do I hate these cases. Hey, Alfonso!" The demon standing by the door perks up, and lumbers over to the desk. "What do you think? The Bureau has such old pictures of these two, but the info's up to date." The demon, now known to be Alfonso, adjusts his thick rimmed glasses and reads over the screen, shaking his head. "No, Seymour, I'm pretty sure she's full of it, look at all this." He scrolls down. Seymour the Snake's eyes narrow as Alfonso summarizes some of the information:<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Yeah, you need to look at the 'recent tab'. If this <i>is</i>&nbsp;Josie, then..." He glares at you, arching an eyebrow. "So,&nbsp;<i>you&nbsp;</i>were last year's valedictorian?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Uh, yeah, sharp as a whistle."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"You volunteer in food kitchen's on a weekly basis?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Of course. I love those hobos."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"You're in track and field?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You balk, and decide to feign taking offense. "Well, it's off-season. I'm uh, bulking."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"What were you doing back in high school?"<br>
	"I was volunteering."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"On the very same day, at the same time, that you volunteer at the food kitchen?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Well, yeah. Homeless students, dude. Don't be so, non-inclusive, or whatever."<br>
<br>
<br>
	Alfonso stands up and drums his fingers. Seymour flicks his tongue in and out, angrily. Seymour breaks the silence.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Miss Baker. We only know for certain that you are at least,&nbsp;<i>a</i>&nbsp;Miss Baker. If you are indeed Josie, you&nbsp;were definitely processed&nbsp;incorrectly, and we'll need to get right on top of that. However, there is another discrepancy."<br>
<br>
<br>
	A bead of sweat runs from your neck, all the way down your back, sending shivers across your spine. A smile crosses Seymour's scaled face.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"If you're <i>Josie</i>&nbsp;Theresa Baker, why on earth were you eating&nbsp;<i>waffles</i>?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	Aw, crap. You never really listened to your sister's stupid rants about eating healthy, but you remember that there was a pretty specific reason she didn't eat waffles. Too bad you can't remember exactly what it was, but you'll just have to wing it, and pray. I'm sure those prayers will be heard down here. You clear your throat:<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "Oh, no it was fine. I know I have a gluten-allergy, but they were gluten free waffles."<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "I was just celebrating the end of my diet with a one time treat! Lay off dude."<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "Locally sourced cruelty free waffles! I'd be doing my community harm if I&nbsp;<i>didn't&nbsp;</i>eat them. It was for the greater good."</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; "Oh, no it was fine. I know I have a gluten-allergy, but they were gluten free waffles."</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; "Oh, no it was fine. I know I have a gluten-allergy, but they were gluten free waffles."</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">With 100%! (2/2) of the vote...<br>
<br>




<blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="budgieboo" data-source="post: 6740208" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">
	
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6740208" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6740208">budgieboo said:</a>
			
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			---&gt; "Oh, no it was fine. I know I have a gluten-allergy, but they were gluten free waffles."
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	"Hey, so I know you may be thinking, 'Hey, this isn't Josie! Josie don't eat no waffles!' But that's where you would be&nbsp;very incorrect! You see, they were gluten&nbsp;<i>free</i>&nbsp;waffles!" You smile, confident with your answer. Seymour nods approvingly. Alfonso takes his turn to grill you.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"So, then why did you die from eating it?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Hey, look, I choked on it okay, and besides, my allergy wouldn't have been that bad anyway."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"It says that you've completed CPR training recently. How did you manage to die from this in a room full of people?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Uh, I was&nbsp;<i>choking</i>. Do you work at your best when you're dying?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	Concerned muttering between the two of them. They constantly gesture at the screen, and look back over you, with incredulous looks on their faces. Alfonso cocks his head and shrugs. Seymour sighs,&nbsp;reaches for a drawer underneath the desk with his tail, and drops a thick stack of dusty papers in front of himself. He groans.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Alright, so it looks like we have made a serious mistake Ms. Baker, and we at Gehenna Corp. would like to apologize for the terrible inconvenience we have caused you."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Corporation?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Oh, really, what else would we be, Josie, a non-profit?"&nbsp;Seymour chuckles as Alfonso dusts off a grimy counter on the wall, and begins adjusting it. The counter says:<br>
<br>
<br>
	"IT HAS BEEN 30,459 YEARS SINCE OUR LAST PROCESSING ERROR"&nbsp;Alfonso slowly, dejectedly twists the numbers to zero as Seymour continues.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Unfortunately, mistakes of this magnitude take quite some time to travel up the chain of command, and our sister company, given the nature of things there, rarely gets around to boring paperwork."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"So...am I going to heaven?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Oh, of course, Josie, your record is impeccable. You are a paragon of virtue." He chuckles, and nudges a tail into Alfonso's side.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Heh, you know, in a real dark way, it's a good thing that you died before your sister, because she seems like the kind of first-class shitlord who would have lied her way out of where she rightfully belongs. You know, she probably got flagged by the system, so that must explain the mix-up. Could you image someone like <i>you</i>&nbsp;ending up in hell!? Hah!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You bite your tongue hard enough to make the blood well up, but quickly catch yourself before you fly into an apoplectic rage. You try your best to change the subject.&nbsp;"Well, uh, turn the other cheek and all that. So, what's the timetable look like then?" A deep frown crosses his face, as his voice dips even lower, into a bass dominated whimper.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Ms. Baker, I won't beat around the bush.&nbsp;It is very possible that this error could take months, if not years to resolve. I am aware that this is not ideal, but we can arrange for some...livable arrangements during your, hopefully brief tenure here."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"So, what exactly am I supposed to do down here then?" You lightly stamp your foot with indignation, knowing that you have a little more leeway, seeing as your sister was, apparently, equivalent to the second coming.&nbsp;Seymour clears his throat, loosing a couple of sparks from his maw.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Well, we have a couple of options, Ms. Baker."<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "You could always help out administration in Limbo. You're in a pretty rare position to do a real bang-up job with that."<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "Or we&nbsp;could always use your help right here in Infernal Affairs. You were an up and coming biblical scholar, Josie, so I imagine you are familiar with the theory behind the bulk of our work."<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;"And of course, we're always short on Punishment Supervisors. I am aware that that is rather unappealing to someone of your moral caliber, but you have to understand that we don't get many qualified people down here."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You briefly consider asking for endless hot wings and a cozy hotel room to watch forbidden demonic pornography in, but you imagine that sort of slip-up would give away your true identity.</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; "Or we&nbsp;could always use your help right here in Infernal Affairs. You were an up and coming biblical scholar, Josie, so I imagine you are familiar with the theory behind the bulk of our work."</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; "Or we&nbsp;could always use your help right here in Infernal Affairs. You were an up and coming biblical scholar, Josie, so I imagine you are familiar with the theory behind the bulk of our work."</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">With 100% (2/2)&nbsp;of the vote!...<br>
<br>




<blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="marorda" data-source="post: 6744425" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">
	
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			---&gt; "Or we&nbsp;could always use your help right here in Infernal Affairs. You were an up and coming biblical scholar, Josie, so I imagine you are familiar with the theory behind the bulk of our work."
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	This is a pretty easy decision for you. After all, these two knuckleheads bought your story, and it'd probably be best if you had to keep your story straight with only a choice few people. Less people to fact check and all that. I mean, you're...pragmatic if nothing else, Irene, you've gotta keep this relatively cozy life going on for as long as possible. You curtsy graciously, for the second time in your life.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Well, I think I would just love to work here in Infernal Affairs, making sure you never make such grievous errors ever again."<br>
<br>
<br>
	That came out a little harsher than you had expected, but it looks like the demons- or your new coworkers, you suppose are pleased with answer. Seymour gives a firm slap to Alfonso's back with the thick of his tail, and begins fishing around for some paper work. You take a moment to take a seat, and enjoy a second bear claw. This is going to be a piece of cake. Throw around some paper airplanes, look busy for a couple of months, and boom! Eternal Paradise! Everything's coming up Irene!<br>
<br>
<br>
	<b>MEANWHILE...</b><br>
<br>
<br>
	Your phone buzzes angrily for what must be the umpteenth time this period. Your professor shoots you a glare, and you wither. It's really not your fault, you always have your phone set to silent in class, I mean this is Princeton! You need to be professional, after all.&nbsp;You couldn't imagine why it would still be ringing unless it was an emergency. Your heart skips a beat. Of course it's an emergency. Mom's liver wasn't doing so well, you should have known. You stand up in a rush, and quickly stride to the door, heart pounding. You pull out your phone and flip down through your missed messages. Well, you would if service here wasn't so spotty. Yeesh! I bet Yale wouldn't have had this problem, but you always knew that missing those 4 questions on the SAT would come back to bite you. You sigh. You've never been at the top, have you Josie? Well, at least you can read some of the preview text:<br>
<br>
<br>
	"JOSIE CALL MO..."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"JOSIE PLEASE ANS..."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"IRENE IS AT THE..."<br>
<br>
<br>
	Huh. I mean, mom always texts in all caps, but you can't imagine what's up that demands such response. Especially if it's about Irene. I mean, she's sweet and everything bless her heart, but she's always been a little...misguided. Well, mom did flip out last time they dragged her into the station for huffing all those whipped cream cans at that day care center. She probably just got busted for something equally as absurd. You sigh, cross your heart, and mutter a short prayer for your beloved sister.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You've still got ninety minutes of class left, what should you do?<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;[Leave class and call mom]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;[Call family&nbsp;after class]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;[Leave class and call Irene]</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt;[Call family&nbsp;after class]</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt;[Leave class and call mom]</div>
				
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			<h5 class="userTitle message-userTitle" dir="auto" itemprop="jobTitle">A Friendly Ear</h5>
			

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					<div class="bbWrapper">Tie vote! Josie doesn't handle these sorts of things as well as Irene!<br>
<br>
<br>
	You slip to the floor, phone in your pocket, fingers digging into your scalp. There are too many decisions to chew over, and you just know that none of them are going to be right. You need to act swiftly, decisively, perfectly, and no matter what you do, it's just not going to be the right action. Your breathe grows shallow. You reach for your inhaler.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Two puffs. It'll be better soon. Calm, yourself. God is watching.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You straighten your hair and de-smudge your glasses. You're the one who'll pull the Baker family out of squalor, and in order to do that, you need to be the rock of the family...yet at the same time, they have to learn to handle things on their own. After all, it's not like you'd be able to get to Arbor Creek in less than four hours. You'll just, get through the class, and turn your phone off. You've always stuck your neck out for them, but they need to learn to handle little troubles better. If they still need help, they'll just call again after class.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Besides, you don't want to give Mom the idea that you'll come home at the drop of a hat. It pains you, but you have to give them some distance.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You wipe away at a budding tear, and walk back into the classroom.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---<br>
<br>
<br>
	You groan, letting loose a sickly belch, leaning back in your chair and staring woefully at the ceiling. Is that asbestos? Of course it is, I mean, look at the workplace. Well, you would look around, but you're feeling pretty terrible. You close your eyes and pray that all of those donuts digest as quickly as possible. I mean, you knew that was a bad idea, but being dead already made the idea of eating six donuts in half an hour seem a lot more appealing. It was quite the mistake though, and you had to wonder what the point of such a weak constitution was down here. You lazily open your eyes and move back to the seated position. You stifle a rush of vomit, and look around your new cubicle.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You've only been in here for an hour, but you're already fighting back the boredom, after the novelty of your gorging&nbsp;wore off. You have to admit that you spaced out during the introduction to your office. Seymour was very apologetic about the whole thing though, and from what you caught from the general tone, it seems like you were in a position that was just created to keep you busy. Suits you just fine. You drum your fingers and look around.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Besides your computer and complementary coffee mug, the cubicle is pretty barren. You sigh. Being an adult is boring. You contemplate on how to best spend your time.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;[Waste the work day on the internet, assuming that exists down here.]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;[Feign illness in order to go home early]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;[Schmooze around the break room]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---<br>
<br>
<br>
	First of all, I'd like to thank the dedicated few who have stuck with the story so far, it has been a pleasure writing, and I look forward to seeing where we take the plot. This is just a little heads up about the incoming short break, since I'll be out and about at a convention over the holiday weekend. I'll probably be able to pop in occasionally, but I'm not going to go write an&nbsp;entry on a cellphone, like some savage.&nbsp;Expect the next entry on Tuesday!</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt;[Schmooze around the break room]<br>
<br>
<br>
	----<br>
<br>
<br>
	No problem~ We can wait, I assume. I know I can. Besides, it gives me some time to write up a proper next entry for my quest  <img src="https://www.rpnation.com/media/emoticon1-closedupeyeclosedsmile.23665/full?d=1488654286" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt="^_^" title="closed up-eyes smile    ^_^" data-shortname="^_^"></div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper"><span style="color: rgb(90,90,90)">---&gt;[Feign illness in order to go home early]</span><br>
<br>
<br>
	--<br>
<br>
<br>
	yeah no problem, its been really enjoyable to read. i'm fine with a break, i can easily wait haha.&nbsp;</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">Tie vote! Rolling a d3 gave us a 2. Giving us--<br>
<br>




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			<span style="color: rgb(90,90,90)">---&gt;[Feign illness in order to go home early]</span>
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	An idea crosses your mind, and you begin nodding in agreement with yourself. You did it all the time back in school, and that was when you&nbsp;<i>hadn't</i>&nbsp;stuffed yourself to the gills. This time, you were really method acting, and it'd probably be a lot easier to sell it. I mean, in all honesty, you really could use a day off. Dying is pretty stressful stuff. You pull yourself to your feet, and glance at your reflection in the monitor, hoping to gussy yourself up enough to look truly sick enough to head home early.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You do look a little green around the edges, and that's not just your vibrant green hair doing that. Speaking of, you certainly hope you don't have to dye down here, because that was always such a hassle. Your eyes are bagged from a seeming nonstop stretch of partying into the morning light, and there are flecks of chocolate and Bavarian creme across your face. You look like a mess. You'll be out of here in no time. You walk out of your cubicle, faux-groaning up a storm. You hope for a little attention and sympathy from your fellow cubicle drones, but they all seem pretty absorbed with their work, and now that you think of it, you probably just blend in with the ambient tortured screams of the office. You silence yourself, opting to reserve your energy for the big performance.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You rap on Seymour's door, pause, and then realize that that probably isn't the protocol in hell. You swing the door open, and lurch into his office. He seems to be caught off guard, tail wound around a gargantuan stamp, running through reams of paper work. His look of surprise quickly transitions into one of concern.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Josie, you look terrible. Everything alright? I mean, I know this isn't your preffered--"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I need to uh...I need to go lay down for a bit."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You punctuate your line with weak sighs, and wipes at your forehead, slumping down into the open chair. Things are looking pretty solid so far.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Hey, I know that this isn't ideal for you, I really do, and if you need to go home early then--"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Oh, yeah, that'd be just, just great. I'll be a lot better tomorrow, I swear. Just need to...de-stress."<br>
<br>
<br>
	His tail flips open a drawer and flings a ring of keys into your lap. It's a little too hot, and it bites into your flesh. You quickly scoop up&nbsp;the keys before you get some sort of infernal burn.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Alright, you're suite 1406 at The Cerberus. You can't miss it. See you tomorrow at six Josie!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	Gross. You can't remember the last time that you acknowledged six in the morning as a time that actually existed. Well, that's a problem for tomorrow's Irene. Today's Irene just got out of work. You lower your head in some show of admiration, and leave the office. You'd jump up and click your heels if it wasn't so much work, but regardless, you are elated! Looks like you've got a free day on your hands! You could always go to the mall and...well, guess you can't really do that.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You stand before the front door, a little solemn. What&nbsp;<i>do</i>&nbsp;you do with your free time in Hell?<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; [Go to your room, see how much you can charge to room service.]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; [Wander around aimlessly in&nbsp;Pandæmonium, and catch an Uber later or something.]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Reader's Choice?</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; Chill in the room and see if Hell has some form of Netflix. There's still some series I'd like to binge watch now that I <i>might</i> just have to spend a small eternity here.</div>
				
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			---&gt; Chill in the room and see if Hell has some form of Netflix. There's still some series I'd like to binge watch now that I <i>might</i> just have to spend a small eternity here.
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	gotta second this (curious to see what sort&nbsp;of movies and tv shows hell has)&nbsp;</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">With 100%! (2/2) of the vote...<br>
<br>




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			---&gt; Chill in the room and see if Hell has some form of Netflix. There's still some series I'd like to binge watch now that I <i>might</i> just have to spend a small eternity here.
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<br>
<br>
	You figure that if you'll be down here for a while, you might as well get used to your new place, wherever that may be. You swing open the doors, and are almost knocked down by what seems to be the blast of furnace, but no, that's just the weather here. You idly grasp for your cellphone, hoping for directions, but to your dismay, you find that there's no service down here.<br>
<br>
<br>
	The more you think about it, the more you wonder&nbsp;<i>why</i>&nbsp;your phone is even down here. I mean, sure, you have clearly violated enough morals to end up down here, but you weren't even aware that your phone had a soul worth judging. You suppose that argument also stands true for your clothes, but then again, perhaps it's for the best. You would not be comfortable strutting around in your birthday suit down here. The again, the weather really is anathema to any form of clothing. You resolve to lay about nude in your hotel room, ideally, sprawled by the AC.<br>
<br>
<br>
	As you look around the Escherian streets sprawling throughout the city, you briefly wonder how in the hell (literally) you are expected to find your hotel. It is at this exact moment that you realize the neighboring skyscraper is in fact, labeled:<br>
<br>
<br>
	THE CERBERUS<br>
<br>
<br>
	You probably didn't notice it at first, writing it off as an extension of the Department. Hell should really look into diversifying their architects, because everything either looks like a sinister obelisk or a bombed out building. No variety. Real disappointing stuff. You saunter into the hotel, and are, to your relief, blasted with a gust of air conditioning. Tinny muzak blares from speakers above, and you reflexively cover your ears, walking to the elevator and banging all of the keys, hoping to expedite its arrival.<br>
<br>
<br>
	There is a gentle chime, and the chrome doors slide open, only for the muzak to intensify. You groan in fury, and mash at the fourteenth floor, hoping that you can at least drown out the music for the brief period of time the elevator takes to ascend. The doors slide open once more, and you rush out to your room, finally free of that dreadful music. The key sizzles in your hands as you pop the lock. You pull out the keys, toss them to the bed, and slam the door behind you, breathing heavily, and taking a moment to survey the room.<br>
<br>
<br>
	It is surprisingly inoffensive. There are the telltale signs of something unworldly, such as the faint smell of burning hair, and the reddish hue that spills across an apocalyptic eternal night sky, but beyond that, it's a nice four star hotel. You lock the door behind you and begin flinging off your clothes as you survey the amenities of your room. The minibar's selection is a bit lacking in earthly delights, but you're sure that Dr. Lucifer and Chocolate Beelzebars are a reasonable substitute. The sink runs a little hot, but at least it's a stream of water, instead of locusts as you expected. You flop yourself onto the appropriately&nbsp;sleazy waterbed and happily sigh, ready to sample all the joys of demonic television. You flip on the television.<br>
<br>
<br>
	<i>The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas</i><br>
<br>
<br>
	You stifle a laugh. It's your first taste of entertainment in hell, and it's just so wildly inappropriate, it lifts your spirits slightly. Still, the preview guide gives it some abysmal ratings, so you decide to flip to the next channel.<br>
<br>
<br>
	<i>The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas</i><br>
<br>
<br>
	Your heart sinks. I mean, surely the natural denizens of hell have something to enjoy other than this. After all, you fully understand this film as punishment, but still this seems a little extreme. You flip the channel once more.<br>
<br>
<br>
	<i>The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas</i><br>
<br>
<br>
	You flip through the menu, looking for pay-per-view options, or ideally, a streaming service. Surely enough, there's an option for something called Heckflix. You rub your hands and kick your feet up as you wait for it to load. You have to imagine that it's all sex and ultra-violence down here, that's the high art down here, and you can finally feel like--<br>
<br>
<br>
	You hurl the remote across the room as the queue fills with several copies of&nbsp;<i>The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas.</i><br>
<br>
<br>
	Your entertainment options down here are off to a rocky start. What do you do?<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; [Call room service and ask about alternate entertainment offers]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; [Trash the room in protest]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; [Surrender to the powers of Hell, and watch <i>The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas</i>]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Reader Choice?</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; [Surrender to the powers of Hell, and watch&nbsp;The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas]</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; [Surrender to the powers of Hell, and watch <i>The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas</i>]</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">With 100%! (2/2) of the vote...<br>
<br>




<blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="budgieboo" data-source="post: 6782179" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">
	
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6782179" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6782179">budgieboo said:</a>
			
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			---&gt; [Surrender to the powers of Hell, and watch&nbsp;The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas]
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	You groan as you peel yourself out of bed and carry yourself over to the remote thrown across the room. You've had quite enough time in your head for one lifetime today, and frankly, no matter how bad the option is, you welcome the opportunity to rot your brain. You set the movie to play, and work on getting comfortable.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You pop open the can of Jumbo Dr. Lucifer, and listen to the cackling moan that shoots from the can. That's a little different, but hey, a sodas a soda. You take a swig as the Universal Studios logo flashes across the screen. It's not half bad for something that is probably, in all likeliness,&nbsp;carbonated blood. You pensively eye the Chocolate Beelzebar. I mean it looks delicious, but you're also pretty sure that you would explode if you shoved anything else down your throat. You decide to prop yourself up during the movie on a pillow, idly flailing your legs about.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Twenty minutes in and you are bored to the brink of tears. It is an&nbsp;<i>impressively</i>&nbsp;bad film, and truly is a testament to infernal cinema. You rub at your paunch as you try to stifle throwing up at how awful it is. You fling your head back and stare at the asbestos tiled ceiling.<br>
<br>
<br>
	In some ways, this was a lot like life. I mean, you complained a lot, slept, ate and watched garbage. But, without a higher calling to ignore, you can't help but feel a little empty on a cosmological scale. You sigh. What would Fred Flintstone do? Probably make some sort of rock pun, but he was a <i>boulder </i>person than you were; those things must have come naturally to him.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You smirk, and sniffle. You'll probably never see your friends again. Well, when you get to heaven, you imagine that you'll see them&nbsp;<i>eventually.&nbsp;</i>I mean, Karen never smoked so that had to give her&nbsp;<i>some</i>&nbsp;girl scout points. You scrounge around the dressers looking for a mess to make, and find some complementary pajamas. They are not a flattering fit, but the material feels fantastic against your skin.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You kick back once more, and veg out with the Flintstones. Thirty minutes further into the masterpiece, the power flickers out, and you are left in total darkness. Alright, you'll change your rating to two stars if this keeps up.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You pout in the sullen darkness for a little less than five minutes before you spring into action.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; [Storm down to the front office and demand that&nbsp;The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas&nbsp;continues playing.]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; [Break into an adjacent room in hopes of a working television.]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; [Hit the town in hopes of raising your spirits.]</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">With 100%(2/2) of the vote!...<br>
<br>




<blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="siren song" data-source="post: 6787521" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">
	
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6787521" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6787521">siren song said:</a>
			
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			---&gt; [Hit the town in hopes of raising your spirits.]
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	You fumble around in the darkness for your proper clothes. If you can't lay about and watch some real cinema, then you might as well see what else&nbsp;Pandæmonium has to offer. As you fail to find your shirt, it dawns on you that without any cash, it might be a little difficult to have any fun down here. Seymour said something about receiving a stipend, but let's be honest you weren't listening. You find your shirt and throw it on. You then slip on your jacket, and then immediately take it off, because it's not like you're going to get cold down here.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You slam the door behind you as you huff and puff down the hallway, hoping to make a scene for no one in particular. You're not even sure if you&nbsp;<i>can</i>&nbsp;complain down here. I mean, isn't it being crappy sort of the point? As you muse over these mysteries, you cover your ears as you enter the elevator. Perhaps racing thoughts can drown out the muzak?<br>
<br>
<br>
	No such luck, that terrible tune is going to be stuck in your head for quite some time. The doors ring open and you storm into the lobby. Looks like someone is behind the desk this time. A bored looking demon idly flicks at some pencils in front of her. She takes notice of you, and resumes flicking her pencils.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Annoyed, you saunter over to the counter in hopes of receiving some guidance. You try to take a stab at what sort of amenities hell would have to offer.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "Hey, is there like, a murder-pit or something I could go watch? The power went out."<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "Are there any...you know, Incubi, available to call?&nbsp;Because it's hot and dark up there, and I figured I might as well take that to it's logical conclusion.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "There's no electricity. It's hot. I'm bored. Entertain me or I swear, I'll kill myself all over again."</div>
				
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			<h5 class="userTitle message-userTitle" dir="auto" itemprop="jobTitle">A Friendly Ear</h5>
			

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					<div class="bbWrapper">With 100% of the vote! (3/3)...<br>
<br>




<blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="budgieboo" data-source="post: 6792177" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">
	
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6792177" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6792177">budgieboo said:</a>
			
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			---&gt; "Hey, is there like, a murder-pit or something I could go watch? The power went out."
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	You cock you head as you ask the question, hoping that, at the very least, if there isn't a murder pit, you can at least enjoy some witty snark with a demon! She yawns and picks at her fingernails, speaking with a nasal, vocal fry,&nbsp;"Yeah, Murder-Pit is like, a ten minute walk from here. Left on Benito, can't miss it."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You're slightly flabbergasted that "Murder-Pit" happens to be the exact name, but you've always been gifted at guessing things. That's what your math teachers always said. You press on for further information, drumming your fingers up against the counter.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"So, what kind of stuff happens at the Murder-Pit?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Murder. Murder happens at the Murder-Pit, honey." She takes a sip from her nearby coffee mug.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I mean, do I murder someone, do&nbsp;<i>I</i>&nbsp;get murdered, or do I watch other people get murdered?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Um, like, all of the above?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Murder barely sounds like a word at this point. You could even say that I've murdered the word murder. I'm the murder murderer!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	She looks unenthused with your wordplay and flicks away a grain of dirt from her fingertips.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Look, you're the goodie-two-shoes from Infernal Affairs right? I&nbsp;<i>know</i>&nbsp;you're not supposed to be here, so you can stop trying to blend in. I know you wouldn't want to see all that blood and gore. Why don't you, like, go back to your room and eat marshmallows, or whatever little angels do."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"The power's out, so I can't very well go do that;&nbsp;You know that."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Yeah, but, um, I don't really care?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"What kind of service is this?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Service from hell, in every sense of the word, stupid." She cocks her head, and takes another sip of coffee.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You pull away from the counter, biting your tongue. This is clearly not getting anywhere. You miss the subservient apologetic tones of Seymour. Well, it's not like everyone in hell could be mean, right? You begin to sort out your outing.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"So, how much does the Murder-Pit cost?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Oh, it's like, um, some sort of community project, so you just go in, and like, get the crap kicked out of you. Or like, watch, if you're not a fighter."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Yeah, I'm more of a sidelines kind of girl."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I bet you are."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"So, can I get the number for a cab company or something?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	She reaches for a phone, picks up the receiver and looks you over for the first time, staring you down. She drops the receiver with a smile.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Nah. You could <i>really</i>&nbsp;use the walk."&nbsp;Your face contorts.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Irene, you were never a paragon of tranquility and tolerance. Now is the time to let those virtues shine.&nbsp;<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; [Jump the counter and attack the receptionist.]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; [Dump her (hopefully)&nbsp;scalding hot coffee everywhere.]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;[Bump the receptionist to the top of your shit list, and deal with this later.]</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; [Dump her (hopefully)&nbsp;scalding hot coffee everywhere.]</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; [Bump the receptionist to the top of your shit list, and deal with this later]</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; [Bump the receptionist to the top of your shit list, and deal with this later]</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">Ah crap! That's what I get for leaving the topic open without refreshing  <img src="https://www.rpnation.com/media/emoticon1-tonguesmile.23675/full?d=1488654879" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":P" title="smile tongue    :P" data-shortname=":P"><br>
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					<div class="bbWrapper">With 75% of the vote! (3/4)...<br>
<br>




<blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="marorda" data-source="post: 6798981" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">
	
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6798981" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6798981">marorda said:</a>
			
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			---&gt; [Bump the receptionist to the top of your shit list, and deal with this later]
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	You grit your teeth. This demon, this insufferable, no-good....Karol? It's what her name tag says. What a stupid name. What a profoundly&nbsp;<i>stupid</i>&nbsp;name for anyone to have. Karol. The name is etched in your mind in a furious script, right above Benny Loman, and Ms. Galvez. Sure those two were terrible, but they're a little inaccessible at the moment...but this Karol?<br>
<br>
<br>
	<i>Karol</i>&nbsp;can't even comprehend how fed up with her you are. She will rue this day.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You turn around, bubbling with rage, half-considering entering the Murder-Pit yourself. You crack your knuckles dramatically and throw the doors open, into the blazing humidity of the underworld.<br>
<br>
<br>
	<b>MEANWHILE...</b><br>
<br>
<br>
	Tears roll down your cheek. This wasn't suppose to be how it happened. She was just supposed to have broken her arm. Or gotten expelled. Or gotten pregnant. Anything but this. Your vision quivers. At first you just wanted all the messages to be pranks, but then they kept rolling in. Mom was hysterical. You kept hoping it was going to be a bad dream, and you could just startle awake, terrified, and be soothed by your sister's cacophonous snore, one more time. Never again.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You scream into your pillow. It's already soaking wet. You feel terrible about it, but you imagine that a therapist's pillows have to get cleaned pretty often anyway. You pull away and look at her, mucus dribbling down your nose. She smiles, albeit weakly.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Josie, the grief must be overwhelming, I understand that."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You weren't even sure why you had come here. How were you supposed to respond to that? There would be no solace in here. There was no solace in the quiet of your room, nor in the solitude of church, alone with God. You stared blankly into the distance for hours, waiting for an answer, and there was none. You're doing the very same now. Your therapist coughs quietly. You can't even remember her name.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Josie? Josie, talk to me. What's going through your head right now?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "How did God let this happen?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "I should have been there to guide her."<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "Why couldn't she just chew her food?"</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; "How did God let this happen?"</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper"><span style="color: rgb(39,42,52)">---&gt; "I should have been there to guide her."</span><br>
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	<span style="color: rgb(39,42,52)">I feel like Josie having a bit of a superiority complex to go with her being great at everything would be interesting.</span></div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">I gotta admit.. option 3 is tempting also. Seems funnier  xD<br>
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; "Why couldn't she just chew her food?"<br>
<br>
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		<a href="https://www.rpnation.com/topic/254788-whoopsie-doodle-looks-like-i-went-to-hell/?do=repComment&amp;comment=6804583&amp;rep=1&amp;csrfKey=621630e569aae1fd130869b8e2ab0f3b" class="link link--internal" data-proxy-href="/proxy.php?link=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.rpnation.com%2Ftopic%2F254788-whoopsie-doodle-looks-like-i-went-to-hell%2F%3Fdo%3DrepComment%26comment%3D6804583%26rep%3D1%26csrfKey%3D621630e569aae1fd130869b8e2ab0f3b&amp;hash=05ce5c74d864b3f9f46764d802a83c22">&nbsp;Like this</a><br>
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					<div class="bbWrapper">Tie vote! Josie doesn't handle these sorts of things as well as Irene!<br>
<br>
<br>
	You slam your head back into the couch, screaming, over and over again. There are <i>no</i>&nbsp;words to properly describe the chorus of voices in your mind right now.&nbsp;Your therapist runs up to you and grips you by the shoulders.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Josie, come on, let's talk. That's how we work things through. With words."&nbsp;You break down into a hysterical crying fit.&nbsp;"My words couldn't have changed anything! There was nothing I could have done! It was just-just something that needed to happen!" Your therapist cocks her head, but you can't read her face. The world is spinning. You babble incoherently, and from the mess, form a sentence,<br>
<br>
<br>
	"All I wanted to do was be a role model, and that didn't even matter! Why even try if she's just going to be taken away like that?!" Your panicked breathing drowns out whatever your therapist has to say. You loose a primal, enraged cry, naught but fury and bereavement. A moment of peace washes over you. It is not a moment of resolution, or even understanding, but merely the acknowledgement of the void, now that everything else has washed out of you. You blink, slowly, gazing into the caliginous depths that extend behind your therapist.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You have seen the face of God, and it is unloving. You are broken.&nbsp;<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Josie? Josie? Tell me, how are you feeling?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You speak with newfound clarity, "Fine."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Josie you certainly didn't look fine a couple of moments ago. Let's explore what you just went through."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"No."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Josie, please don't shut people out. Hardening ourselves on the outside is a fast track to--"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You stand up.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I'm okay now."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You walk to the door, and pull at the handle. Does the therapist say anything? No. She realizes that there are forces that cannot be argued with. You step out of the room, and take a deep breath. The offices smell like chamomile. They smell like chamomile because man inflicted his will upon the world, and bent nature to do his bidding. Josie Theresa Baker cannot shape God's plans, but she can shape <i>her</i> plans. She can shape the world he created.&nbsp;You exit the Campus Mental Health Center, and walk towards student services. A fierce breeze whips about the campus today, but you do not feel it, for the building shields you from the elements.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You sit down in front of your counselor. He looks a little concerned about your grave appearance. You speak.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I'm changing my major."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Oh, well, that's alright, we all are exploring what we want to do with--"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I'm changing my major to---<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "Philosophy."<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "Micro-Biology."<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "Engineering."</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">Josie's mind has spoken.<br>
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<blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="Deucalion" data-source="post: 6812259" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">
	
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6812259" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6812259">Deucalion said:</a>
			
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			---&gt; "Micro-Biology."<br>
<br>
<br>
			Aw shit we necromancer now
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<br>
<br>
	Your eyes dig forward, past the counselors head, straight into the little pores of his skin on his forehead, teeming with life. So much life thriving on every crevasse&nbsp;of the planet, and yet, your sister is taken from you. You have made your decision.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Micro-Biology."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Well, Josie that is quite a jump from religious studies.&nbsp;May&nbsp;I ask what made--"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I will do what God could not."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"...er, well Micro-Bio is--"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You stand up in a hurry, your minuscule frame carrying much more gravitas than it is used to. Yet, it feels right. No more idle pondering over why the powers that be play their stupid games. It is time for action. You step outside to meet the first rains of the season, falling fat and thick from the sky. It is a bright new day.<br>
<br>
<br>
	<b>MEANWHILE...</b><br>
<br>
<br>
	Okay, so maybe you should have just looked for a cab with your own resources. The murder pit is a lot farther than you had expected, and in these heat, your underarms are turning into murder-pits themselves. Well, at least all the sweat does a little to justify that donut feast. Your eyes catch a road sign in the distance:<br>
<br>
<br>
	"MURDER PIT! IT'S RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	Thank...God? You feel like that isn't the best one to trust in right now, but you feel like praising Satan would also be a poor display of judgement. You instead opt to take a classy middle road, and write an internal IOU to the next divine force that positively intervenes with your life. Regardless, you finally arrive, drenched and tired in front of the Murder-Pit. There is a very small line here, a churro cart running a buy 2 get one free deal, and a merchandise salesbooth&nbsp;labeled as&nbsp;"Legitimate" "Clothes". They have a large sign that indicates hourly giveaways.&nbsp;You think what sounds like the most fun.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;[Waiti&nbsp;in line for murder]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; [Wait&nbsp;in line for churros]<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;[Wait in line for free stuff]</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt;[Wait in line for free stuff]<br>
<br>
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	Clothes? Fit-for-hell clothes? That would save some sweating. And maybe raise less suspicion that I'm not actually Josie.</div>
				
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6820841" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6820841">marorda said:</a>
			
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			---&gt;[Wait in line for free stuff]<br>
<br>
<br>
			Clothes? Fit-for-hell clothes? That would save some sweating. And maybe raise less suspicion that I'm not actually Josie.<br>
<br>
<br>
	<br>
		<br>
			<br>
				&nbsp;
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<br>
<br>
	This.</div>
				
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							<h1 class="p-title-value"><span class="label label--gray" dir="auto">Multiple Settings</span><span class="label-append">&nbsp;</span>"Whoopsie-Doodle! Looks Like I Went to Hell!": Chapter 1 of Against Her Tendrils
	
	

	

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					<div class="bbWrapper">[COLOR= rgb(152, 157, 160)]---&gt;[Wait in line for free stuff][/COLOR]</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">With 100% (3/3) of the vote!<br>
<br>




<blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="marorda" data-source="post: 6820841" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">
	
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6820841" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6820841">marorda said:</a>
			
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			---&gt;[Wait in line for free stuff]<br>
<br>
<br>
			Clothes? Fit-for-hell clothes? That would save some sweating. And maybe raise less suspicion that I'm not actually Josie.
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	You cautiously walk over to the "Legitimate" "Clothes" stand. It turns out that the line of people here is actually an extension of the Churro line, so this booth is gloriously devoid of any people! You can only hope that means you get even&nbsp;<i>more</i>&nbsp;free things! The stand is actually rather sparse in it's merchandise offerings. Several fold up plastic tables display cheap looking bracelets, hairpins, and other tawdry garbage. From the tarp above you, several T-shirts hangs on a wire, all of them the exact same gunmetal grey, emblazoned with a crude drawing of a closed monkey's paw, and the following text:<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I MADE THREE POORLY ADVISED WISHES<br>
<br>
<br>
	AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS T-SHIRT"<br>
<br>
<br>
	Near the back of the stand, an extremely portly demon sits, facing away from you, watching a tiny CRT television screen that must be, at most, 4 inches wide. You squint, hoping that he has such a discrete screen to watch something real racy...Nope, it's just&nbsp;<i>The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas</i>.&nbsp;You have to admire hell for it's consistency at least. You cough, hoping to get the demon's attention. He slowly cranes his neck back towards you, generating several new fold of fat in his shoulders. You make a disgusted face that he clearly picks up on:<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Don't even say anything. What do you want?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"The signs says free things, and I am just, all about real deep discounts."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Yeah, we spin the wheel for a lucky customer every hour."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"It doesn't look like you have any customers."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Then I think it would behoove you to become a customer in the next.."&nbsp;He glances at a delicate plastic wristwatch on his bulging wrist.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"...three minutes."<br>
	"Alright, Cool. How much are those T-Shirts?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"$40. But we also only have mediums right now, so--"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Yeah, okay I've heard quite enough about that today already. What about this crap?" The demon scowls as you gesture towards the table full of jewelry.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Lady, that is some of the finest jewelry in all of Gehenna, and they&nbsp;go&nbsp;for thousands of dollars a piece."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"You seem to be set up in the wrong part of town. I don't think anyone is going to pay for this overpriced junk."<br>
<br>
<br>
	The demon grins.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Oh, no one usually does. But, you could win one if you're a customer, and you get to spin...<i>THE WHEEL!"</i><br>
<br>
<br>
	He stands up slowly, and reveals a multicolored plywood wheel. Most of the sections are labeled with different products in the booth.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"And Lady, you just gotta buy&nbsp;<i>anything</i>&nbsp;to get to spin the wheel."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Alright, alright, what have you got for..."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You scrounge around in your pockets for change. You pull out some assorted change, coated in old donut glaze, and laboriously count them.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"...89 cents?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	The demon immediately slams a hefty&nbsp;hairpin onto the table, and lifts up his greasy hand. The pin itself is unremarkable, but the decorative bit is a rather large, stylized skull.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"This is our best budget option. This is a hairpin made from the skulls&nbsp;of a thousand lying&nbsp;rulers and politicians, forged into one shimmering symbol of corruption, it--"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Holy shit, that sounds metal as fuck, I'll take it!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You throw the change at the demon, and jam the pin into the back of your hair. I mean, it was pretty cute after all. You would have probably got it even without that description. As you run your hands down your hair,&nbsp;a&nbsp;shiver runs down your spine. The demon coughs quietly, and continues.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"As I was saying, while it is a truly impressive piece of craftsmanship, it also extremely cursed, thus the deep discount."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You exhale a puff of air. "Yeah, okay, like&nbsp;<i>that'll&nbsp;</i>come back to bite me later."<br>
<br>
<br>
	The demon chuckles. "Very well Miss, it's been a pleasure doing business...but now...it's time to&nbsp;<i>SPIN THE WHEEL!!!</i>" He ushers you over to the wheel. You clasp your hands excitedly, and give it a spin. It clicks rapidly, and seems to spin for ages.You bite your tongue in excitement.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You love free stuff.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You love free&nbsp;<i>expensive</i>&nbsp;stuff.<br>
<br>
<br>
	The wheel slowly clatters to a stop, landing on...<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;The large red section that says "FREE T-SHIRT"<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; The small green section that says&nbsp;"FREE BROACH"<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;The small blue section that says "FREE TICKETS"<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; The tiny&nbsp;yellow section that says "FREE LIFE ADVICE"</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt;The small blue section that says "FREE TICKETS"</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; The small green section that says&nbsp;"FREE BROACH"<br>
<br>
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	oh boy more cursed stuff</div>
				
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6829886" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6829886">budgieboo said:</a>
			
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			---&gt; The small green section that says&nbsp;"FREE BROACH"<br>
<br>
<br>
			oh boy more cursed stuff
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	This.</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">With 66%(2/3) of the vote!<br>
<br>




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			---&gt; The small green section that says&nbsp;"FREE BROACH"<br>
<br>
<br>
			oh boy more cursed stuff
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<br>
<br>
	The wheel slowly grinds to a stop, and you hold your breath, knuckles clenched. You remember what that one demon said about Hell just being an endless series of disappointments, and as the wheel slows, you can see why that might be: That "Free T-Shirt" section is absolutely huge. You relax your fingers and sigh, as you surely get ready to accept some stupid T-Shirt. I mean, you liked it and everything, but you were hoping to win something a little more extravagant. Well at least it's nowhere near the free life advice section.<br>
<br>
<br>
	click. click. click.<br>
<br>
<br>
	&nbsp; &nbsp;click. click.<br>
<br>
<br>
	&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;click...<br>
<br>
<br>
	&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; What's this?<br>
<br>
<br>
	The spinner gently skids to a stop, outside of the red section, and squarely into the green. Free broach? "Aw, Hell yeah!&nbsp;Everything's coming up Ire--Josie!" You clap your hands excitedly and look expectantly towards the demon, who fishes out a metal tackle box, and plops it onto the table. It buckles open, revealing a treasure trove of bottle caps and discarded litter. You sneer.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"What the hell is this?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	The demon snorts. "Your free broach."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You wildly gesture at the display of expensive doodads in front of you. In response, the demon moves a minuscule sign into view, previously hidden by a large toe ring. It says:<br>
<br>
<br>
	"NONE OF THE DISPLAYED ARE AVAILABLE FROM FREE PLAY"<br>
<br>
<br>
	This is ridiculous. The sign is no bigger than your middle finger nail. In order to compare, you offer the demon your middle finger nail.&nbsp;"Come on lady, don't get feisty, just pick out one of your fabulous prizes!"&nbsp;You groan and rummage through the trash box. After the initial layer of cheap trash broaches, it's clear that most of this box isn't even broaches. You cock an eyebrow.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Wait, so I can have&nbsp;<i>anything</i>&nbsp;from this box?" The demon doesn't seem to be paying much attention, as his head is turned towards Hell's premiere cinema. "Yeah, sure, lady. Any single thing you want." You happily nod to yourself. This bloated idiot clearly didn't think his scheme through. It's not a wise idea for the bottom shelf of one's prize box to double as the&nbsp;cash register. You scoop up the fat stack of twenties, and carefully place the lid back down. I mean, it's bundled up, so it is technically a single&nbsp;thing. I mean, you're not a <i>thief,</i> Irene.<br>
<br>
<br>
	You quietly click your tongue.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Well, not a thief today at least.&nbsp;You shove the cash into your jean pockets, and slowly back away.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Look like it's time...<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;"...to put some real high roller bets down in the Murder-Pit!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;"...to throw one hell of a party!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;"...<s>to wisely invest into my bank account</s>"&nbsp;Pfft, like she's&nbsp;going to do that.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;"...to pick up some designer Underworld drugs!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "...for Reader's choice?"</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt;"...to put some real high roller bets down in the Murder-Pit!"<br>
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	Our new goal is now to become the richest person in Hell.</div>
				
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6833378" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6833378">Deucalion said:</a>
			
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			---&gt;"...to put some real high roller bets down in the Murder-Pit!"<br>
<br>
<br>
			Our new goal is now to become the richest person in Hell.
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</blockquote><br>
	I like this idea a lot. Best case: we're rich. Worst case: we're broke again.<br>
<br>
<br>
	But maybe we should get some good food first? (which would be a Reader's Choice thing. Can we have both?)</div>
				
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			I like this idea a lot. Best case: we're rich. Worst case: we're broke again.<br>
<br>
<br>
			But maybe we should get some good food first? (which would be a Reader's Choice thing. Can we have both?)
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	seconded, we should be able to get the best quality grub before we spend everything else on betting. can't gamble on an empty stomach??</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">With 100%(3/3) of the vote...<br>
<br>




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			---&gt;"...to put some real high roller bets down in the Murder-Pit!"<br>
<br>
<br>
			Our new goal is now to become the richest person in Hell.
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	You pat at the thick wad of cash in your rear pocket. This gives you a lot more options down here in Hell, but you know it's not going to last forever. I mean, you were not the most financially responsible person when you were alive, and you can't honestly say that you've had an epiphany yet regarding all of your terrible decisions. Your eyes drift to the Murder-Pit. Well, that'd be an easy way to fatten your wallet. I mean, all you have to do is put it all down on the guy who looks like he would be the most comfortable in a terrible nightmare. You ran something very similar to this when you were alive, when you handled the betting of the freshman fight club. I mean, you also completely worked those numbers over, but some of those skills should transfer at least.<br>
<br>
<br>
	There is a prolonged&nbsp;growl from your stomach. Alright, that's fair. You haven't had an actual meal since you got down here. Just whatever garbage you could shove down your gullet. You apprehensively eye the Churro stand, but you imagine that the blood level in your sugar stream is already dangerously low. You slowly amble around the plaza, hoping to run into a nice eatery. Sure enough, as you turn the corner, several options present themselves.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;The joint closest to you is "Pol-Pot's-Pot-Luck". You're not sure how pot lucks works in this setting.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Directly across from that is "Benito Musso-Tortellini!". It's advertised as an all you can eat pasta place.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; A little further down is "Dexys Midnight Snack Run" It's slogan seems to be: "The Terminus of All Bad Decisions!"</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; Directly across from that is "Benito Musso-Tortellini!". It's advertised as an all you can eat pasta place.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Pasta is love, pasta is life!<br>
<br>
<br>
	(also, lols at the blood level in the sugar stream XD)</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; Directly across from that is "Benito Musso-Tortellini!". It's advertised as an all you can eat pasta place.</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">With 100%(2/2) of the vote!<br>
<br>




<blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="marorda" data-source="post: 6838140" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">
	
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6838140" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6838140">marorda said:</a>
			
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			---&gt; Directly across from that is "Benito Musso-Tortellini!". It's advertised as an all you can eat pasta place.
		</div>
		<div class="bbCodeBlock-expandLink js-expandLink"><a role="button" tabindex="0">Click to expand...</a></div>
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	You nod to no one in particular. Glorious, glorious pasta has always served you well, and now even in death, it will provide comfort. You walk towards the eatery. Beyond it's elaborate signage, the place looks a bit run down. You wouldn't be able to&nbsp;put your finger on a single problem in particular, but it's clearly not the classiest joint.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Well, you suppose it very well c<i>ould</i>&nbsp;be the classiest joint. You muse over the menu. The bulk of the menu is the section listed as "Belial Busters" Which is the advertised all you can eat pastas. There's a thin border of red text running all along the edges of the menu, and you assume it's some sort of terrible fine print. You squint, hoping to make sure the price isn't something absurd, like "exactly eighty-three more cents than you will ever have." After several seconds of sustained reading, you discover that the print is actually just advertisements. If they hide something sinister in there, then they probably deserve to ensnare your soul. I mean, that's ambition!<br>
<br>
<br>
	You tap thoughtfully at your chin, and muse to yourself, "Yeah, I guess the Occhi di Perdition sounds good." There is a rustle in your hair, and a cracking voice, like nails skipping across a chalkboard, whines next to your ear, "No, I demand&nbsp;<i>big</i>&nbsp;succulent&nbsp;noodles, fit for a king!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You are used to weird little goblins&nbsp;whispering&nbsp;in your ear about food, but that's usually&nbsp;<i>after</i>&nbsp;you're extremely intoxicated. This is a new one. You twirl a finger through your hair, and look around for the source of the voice, "Well, I mean, that's your choice man, we're not sharing a table or anything?" The voice continues, still right next to your ear, "Of course we are, you impertinent clown-woman!" You sneer, increasingly confused, "I don't know where you get off calling me a clown-woman, you...clown man!" A paragon of wit as usual, Irene.&nbsp;There is a sharp exhalation of air by your ear, as the man sighs. Well, that confirms it. This must be the stupid curse. A talking hairpin. Fairly benign, all things considered. You run your fingers over the hairpin, and the teeth nip at your fingers. You tank your fingers away reflexively, and suck on them.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Don't run your filthy sausages across my mouth!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You remove your fingers from your mouth, and wipe them against your shirt. "How many times do you say that on a daily basis?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Hopefully never again if you'll be a good porter to me."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Porter?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Of course. Now, deliver me to the next land so I may savor the taste of victory!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Nah, I'd rather savor the taste of pasta. Anyway, novelty is over. I can get this off, yeah?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"No, you shall--"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You grip at the base of the hairpin, only to find that it's firmly clasped onto your hair, with no means of removal. The hairpin notices this, and begins to cackle. You put your hands on your hips and try to roll your eyes at it. It's difficult without being able to make eye contact.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"You know, I can just cut my hair."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"If you'd like to die! Your hair is now your very mortal coil! Sever my life, sever yours!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You let out a single chuckle. "So what, I'll be super dead? That sounds super...stupid."<br>
<br>
<br>
	Boy you really <i>do </i>need some food in you, you're falling apart.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Hush steed! Deliver me to the weak willed! Let me break&nbsp;their failing constitutions, their flimsy morals! Watch them fall to their knees, and hear me cry victorious: "He&nbsp;comes! He&nbsp;comes!&nbsp;Chester the Magnificent!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You scrunch up your face. "First:&nbsp;Gross. Second:&nbsp;<i>Chester</i>? Boy, when I am a little more properly charged, I am going to have a field day with that."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Enough squabble woman! Deliver me to conquest!<br>
	"Nah, I'm delivering us to dinner. You don't have feet, so you don't get a say in this thing. That's how democracy works, no feet, no service."<br>
<br>
<br>
	Your grade in Government was very apt.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Chester pipes up, with a cocksure tone. "Oh, my dear woman, you wouldn't want to upset me. Especially not when--<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;"I can read your every little thought, you sniveling piglet."<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;"I now commandeer the motor control in your right arm, you indolent cow."<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;"I can inject a potent&nbsp;hallucinogen into you at any moment, you&nbsp;ditzy guttersnipe."<br>
<br>
<br>
	---<br>
<br>
<br>
	Apologies for the late response. My goal is to shoot for 4+ updates a week, but life throws wrinkles every now and then!</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">[SIZE= 13px]---&gt;"I can read your every little thought, you sniveling piglet."[/SIZE]<br>
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	[SIZE= 13px]More fun! Blackmail! It knows we're not Josie![/SIZE]</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt;"I can inject a potent&nbsp;hallucinogen into you at any moment, you&nbsp;ditzy guttersnipe."<br>
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	i dont know what a guttersnipe is but it sounds nothing pleasant</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">Tie vote! Rolling a d2 gives us...1! Giving us...<br>
<br>




<blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="marorda" data-source="post: 6853214" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">
	
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6853214" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6853214">marorda said:</a>
			
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			<span style="font-size: 13px">---&gt;"I can read your every little thought, you sniveling piglet."</span><br>
<br>
<br>
			<span style="font-size: 13px">More fun! Blackmail! It knows we're not Josie!</span>
		</div>
		<div class="bbCodeBlock-expandLink js-expandLink"><a role="button" tabindex="0">Click to expand...</a></div>
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</blockquote><br>
	(This is the mind-reading choice, for those unable to highlight.)<br>
<br>
<br>
	You swallow. You hope that's just a bluff, because someone having a window into your mind would be extremely troubling. You voice your concerns.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"You're full of it!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Oh? Then why are you...hrm...concerned about people finding out your true identity,&nbsp;<i>Irene</i>?"<br>
	"Well shit."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You idly drum your fingers against your thigh. You're a bit cornered at the moment. You opt to better understand your situation.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"So, you want to conquest stuff?"<br>
	"Woman, as a verb, it is conquer, please, educate yourself."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Conquer stuff?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Now, could you try it as a complete sentence?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Go fuck yourself."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Bah! Well, no matter. Make yourself more cooperative or I will spill your deepest secrets out to the streets of Hell!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Alright, so what kind of stuff do you want to conquest?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I have told you that it's--bah! Civilizations, kingdoms!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Dude, we're in hell, so I don't know what your plan is."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Become king of the underworld!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"And what would that make me?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"A well-cared for throne."<br>
<br>
<br>
	Well, at least there's a nice end game in store for you. You were always a fan of sitting after all. Still, you realize the more pertinent issue at hand.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Hey, but I'm not going to be here very long. I'm supposed to be in Heaven."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Pah! Pah! Every other thought of yours is gluttony, lewdness and degradation!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"But if you put together every&nbsp;<i>other</i>&nbsp;thought, I'm actually pretty great."<br>
<br>
<br>
	Chester grumbles for a moment, "...No, upon further examination, every thought is terrible. Come, you'll do much better as a throne in Hell, than a fraud in Heaven."<br>
<br>
<br>
	A waiter finally approaches and leads you to a seat, practically tossing a menu at you. You're thankful that Chester didn't pipe up. You smile.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"So, I&nbsp;<i>do</i>&nbsp;get to have dinner? So charitable of you."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"This is merely a necessary evil. I cannot get enough leverage on you when all you're thinking about is food."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Oh, man, do I have some bad news for you then: I never think about anything important."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Fluff and nonsense! You'll crack!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	The waiter stops by once more, and you place your order. After he leaves, you kick your feet up on the table. Chester starts up again.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"So, what civilizations will we tumble? What spirits will we break?" A thought crosses your mind, but Chester intercepts before you can entertain it much further.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Karol...I see your hatred for Karol. Let us break her into shards!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You shrug "Yeah, okay, I can roll with that."<br>
<br>
<br>
	He cackles maniacally. "Yes! Yes! We can dilute her coffee!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Uh..."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"We can lower her chair by a few inches!"<br>
	"That's kinda..."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"What?!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Lame."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Well what were you thinking?"<br>
	&nbsp;<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;"How about an elaborate series of events that ends up with her being homeless?<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; "You're thinking too small. We should gaslight her until she doubts her sanity."<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt;"I was kind of thinking we just straight up murder her."</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">[SIZE= 13px]---&gt; "You're thinking too small. We should gaslight her until she doubts her sanity."[/SIZE]<br>
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	[SIZE= 13px]Sneaky and evil. Making others doubt themselves and enjoy watching them humiliate themselves 3<img src="https://www.rpnation.com/media/emoticon1-smile.23674/full?d=1488654843" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":)" title="smile    :)" data-shortname=":)">[/SIZE]</div>
				
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			<h5 class="userTitle message-userTitle" dir="auto" itemprop="jobTitle">A Friendly Ear</h5>
			

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					<div class="bbWrapper">With 100% (1/1) of the vote!...Oh bother, what happened to our diverse viewers?...<br>
<br>




<blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="marorda" data-source="post: 6864412" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">
	
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6864412" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6864412">marorda said:</a>
			
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			<span style="font-size: 13px">---&gt; "You're thinking too small. We should gaslight her until she doubts her sanity."</span><br>
<br>
<br>
			<span style="font-size: 13px">Sneaky and evil. Making others doubt themselves and enjoy watching them humiliate themselves 3<img src="https://www.rpnation.com/media/emoticon1-smile.23674/full?d=1488654843" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":)" title="smile    :)" data-shortname=":)"></span>
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	You idly tap at the table, "Look, I like what you're getting at, but I think it would be a lot more effective if we just did it, for, like, forever." There is a quiet rustling in your hair. Perhaps he is nodding in agreement? Or perhaps he is eating a strand of hair. You resolve to have future conversations with Chester in the mirror. Well, actually...<br>
<br>
<br>
	You polish a nearby glass with a napkin, and angle yourself to get a view of your very talkative headpiece. You can see Chester's teeth grinding!<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I don't see how that's dramatically different from what I was saying."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"No, we just do it over and over again, and really make her doubt everything."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Hmmm..."<br>
<br>
<br>
	Green luminescent lights narrow in his eye sockets. Even if this is not the level of privacy you were hoping for, it does look pretty cool at least. I mean--"Well, that's very flattering. I'm glad you enjoy my appearance. I on the other hand, will opt to bite my tongue, woman." It's going to take a while to get used to the whole mind reading business. The waiter returns, and you order a large pasta plate. It probably had some sort of punny name, but you don't come to restaurants to read. You usually just pick whatever the most appetizing picture is, and go from there.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"That doesn't seem like a very good idea. What if you inadvertently order something you're allergic to?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I'm only allergic to honest work. I'm good."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"You are a strange woman."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"You're a hairpin."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You try your best to empty your mind. If you keep thinking, he's going to keep digging up things better left to the confines of your head. I mean, you'd hate to think of something really embarrassing,&nbsp;like the time that Carlos Herrera--You notice Chester smirking in the reflection of the glass. You decide to abandon that train of thought, and do what you do best in stressful situations: Run your mouth endlessly.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"So, what's your deal? You're made of the bones of like, a hundred Hitlers, right?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"No! That is very reductive! I am the primal essence that course through the veins of all tyrants! I am the--"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Worst conversational partner;&nbsp;I know, sheesh. So, besides spilling juicy secrets, is there anything else I should know about? Like, don't feed you after midnight or anything?"<br>
	"I do not require traditional sustenance."<br>
<br>
<br>
	Your pasta plate arrives. You relish the opportunity for a well timed quip. "But I do!"&nbsp;You greedily dig in, and the sounds of your poor table manners drowns out anything that Chester may be grousing about. As you finish, you stretch back contently, and catch the end of what was most assuredly a long winded story.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"...and at that point, we had that ingrate pilloried for the rest of his years."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You belch in reply. It is inscrutable.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Woman! That is it! I have tired of your disrespectful tone for the last time! If we do not spring into action right now, I will do everything in my power to ruin you!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Dude, I'm already in--"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Yes, I know. You are so very fond of that excuse, but I will show you the&nbsp;<i>true</i>&nbsp;horrors of the Underworld if you don't cooperate with me immediately."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"By what? Spilling some story that would only be embarrassing to me? I think I've got you sized up. Maybe you're just hot air?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	He grumbles, furiously, "This is your final chance. Burn this bridge at your own peril,&nbsp;<i>Irene</i>."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"And what do you mean by cooperate exactly?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"By not having to back sass every other word I have to give! Shut up and be a good servant, or face a lifetime of humiliation.<br>
<br>
<br>
	Well, looks like he means business. You sigh, and resolve to...<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Shut up and be a good servant.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Continue to back sass&nbsp;<i>every</i>&nbsp;word he has to give.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Try to mediate and find some middle ground.</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; Continue to back sass&nbsp;every&nbsp;word he has to give.</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; Try to mediate and find some middle ground.</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; Continue to back sass&nbsp;<i>every</i>&nbsp;word he has to give.&nbsp;<br>
<br>
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	Why not ? he deserves it&nbsp; right ?  <img src="https://www.rpnation.com/media/emoticon1-tonguesmile.23675/full?d=1488654879" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":P" title="smile tongue    :P" data-shortname=":P"> &nbsp;</div>
				
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	<div class="message-userContent lbContainer js-lbContainer " data-lb-id="post-6919888" data-lb-caption-desc="Hush Hush Storytime · Oct 3, 2016 at 10:42 PM">

		

		
	


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					<div class="bbWrapper">Sorry for the big fat delay everyone! Medical problemos! I'm mostly not dead now. Anyway...<br>
<br>
<br>
	With 66.7% of the vote(2/3)!...<br>
<br>




<blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="budgieboo" data-source="post: 6875997" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">
	
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6875997" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6875997">budgieboo said:</a>
			
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			---&gt; Continue to back sass&nbsp;every&nbsp;word he has to give.
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		<div class="bbCodeBlock-expandLink js-expandLink"><a role="button" tabindex="0">Click to expand...</a></div>
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	You roll your eyes the best you can, hoping that Chester will notice it through a reflective surface. "Dude, I already had a lifetime of humiliation, so if you think you can one up that, go ahead, hairpin." You can hear his teeth grinding once more. You've clearly gotten his goat, as you are so good at doing. You stand up, satisfied with your acerbic tongue silencing his litany of threats. Still, it will be a bit difficult to keep your mind on track, because you would hate to give him any more ammunition than what he has already.<br>
<br>
<br>
	His reedy voice picks up. "Oh? What ammunition don't you want me to have?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Uh, lot's of stuff. I've got a private life, you know."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Not anymore."<br>
<br>
<br>
	He has a point--<br>
<br>
<br>
	"I know I do."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You bite your lip. This is becoming very irritating, very quickly. Sure, you are an undisputed sass machine, but you&nbsp;<i>will</i>&nbsp;slip eventually and--<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Well, that's very good news for me."<br>
<br>
<br>
	--Chester will no doubt relish in that. You clear your throat.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Hey, so, I think you're the worst and everything, but could you direct all that simmering hatred towards Karol instead of me? If you ruin my life too much, I'll just mope around in my room." Chester grumbles, seemingly in understanding. He speaks up, "Alright, you are by far the strangest host I have ever had. I suppose I should adjust for a new wave of evil."<br>
<br>
<br>
	"That'll be our band name!"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Please just return to our dwelling quietly, so that we may plot, woman."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You shove the chair back in, and decide to walk out. You figure that the best way to fit into Hell would be committing minor crimes constantly, so you opt to walk out on the check. Chester finally starts squawking again, about five minutes into your walk back home.<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Are you not concerned that your actions are ever going to come back to haunt you?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Pfft, I'm&nbsp;<i>always</i>&nbsp;concerned about that. It's too late for me though, and I can't go down any further. It's like, you know, when you're so in debt that you can't lose any money any more, so you have infinite money?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	Chester is quiet for several seconds. "...W-What did they teach you in public school, Irene?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	You shrug. "Well, technically, they&nbsp;<i>taught</i>&nbsp;a lot, I just didn't listen."<br>
<br>
<br>
	Chester tuts with...some sort of skeletal tongue maybe? Actually, how does he even talk without--<br>
<br>
<br>
	"Don't bother thinking about it. Irene, I think that you would benefit from my knowledge. It seems that you are a great idiot, and I cannot assume my rightful position as king of Hell when my throne is an idiot."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You respond mockingly, "Yeah, but Satan's throne probably can't even think. I am de facto better."<br>
<br>
<br>
	You arrive in front of the hotel, rejuvenated by your constant banter. Maybe you can work with this guy after all. Chester speaks, slowly,<br>
<br>
<br>
	"So, were we going to deal with Karol now, or after you commit to some more nincompoopery?"<br>
<br>
<br>
	Hmm.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Follow Chester's plans for gaslighting Carol.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Take charge and improvise.<br>
<br>
<br>
	---&gt; Commit to some nincompoopery.</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; Follow Chester's plans for gaslighting Carol.<br>
<br>
<br>
	I've got gasoline, who's got the matches ?<br>
<br>
<br>
	oh wait... a different kind of gasligting.... ahhh i see  O.o</div>
				
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			<h5 class="userTitle message-userTitle" dir="auto" itemprop="jobTitle">a poison decanter</h5>
			

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					<div class="bbWrapper">Well, this looks absolutely wonderful. xDD I'm definitely going to be voting here whenever I get the chance, to be sure!&nbsp;<br>
<br>
<br>
	<span style="color: rgb(152,157,160)">---&gt; Follow Chester's plans for gaslighting Carol.</span><br>
<br>
<br>
	All hail Hairpin&nbsp;Chester</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">With 100% (2/2) of the votes!...<br>
<br>




<blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="Omnimon" data-source="post: 6923688" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">
	
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				<a href="/goto/post?id=6923688" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6923688">Omnimon said:</a>
			
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			---&gt; Follow Chester's plans for gaslighting Carol.
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]You purse your lips and sigh. Best to buy some favor with this guy. “No, I’m good sans nincompoopery. What’s your big plan?” &nbsp;Chester rattles quietly, “Well, first we begin by gluing her stapler down. Then, we gradually glue everything down.”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]You bite your tongue, and entertain him further. “How devilish. Then what?” He cackles quietly, “We glue [/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px]her[/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px] to her desk!” Your tongue lashes out, as it is prone to do.[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“I don’t think you know what gaslighting is. She is absolutely going to recognize that as a stupid prank.”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Well, that’s all semantics dear. Whatever you may call my plot, it is, indeed, absolutely terrifying. Now, there are several steps we’ll have to take to carry out this plan.” You sigh, and enter the hotel lobby. Karol isn’t here at the moment. Chester continues clattering merrily, “Our first, and most important step, is to secure the adhesive, for you see, without it--”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]You walk behind the counter, paying no heed to the staff only signs.[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“--we could not even begin to carry out this sinister plot. Now, to elevate ourselves above the level of simple mountebank--”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]You rifle through the drawers of the desk, upturning several leaves of paper, until you find a bottle of glue.[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“--we will need to sneak past the surely, [/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px]seemingly[/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px] insurmountable defenses of her private domain--”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]You look around the desk. Coffee cup is still almost full. That’s a good candidate. You gingerly lift it up and squirt a fat blob of glue underneath it, rubbing it into the desktop.[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“--possibly into the depth’s of the servant chambers, and obtain some of the aforementioned adhesive. Now, with that in tow, we can begin to--”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]You finish coating the keyboard and pencils with glue. “Alright, we’re done here.” You slap your hands together cockily, and walk back to the elevators.[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“W-What do you mean we’re done? My plot is barely unfurled!”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“I got the gist of it, and then I did it.”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Irene, what if there were some terribly crucial step I was going to divulge upon you?”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Gross!”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“How do you not know what divulge--anyway, what if there was an important step you missed?”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Then we’ll worry about that in the future. But you know, I got it right. I covered all of her stuff in glue.”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“What about the technique!? You can’t just prance around, recklessly...wrecking someone’s possessions!”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Pretty sure I can.”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]You step into the elevator, covering your ears. Chester tries to speak, but is immediately drowned out by the muzak. He still speaks, drowned out by insufferable saxophones, until you reach your floor.[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“--and frankly, if that’s what I’ll have to be saddled up with, then I’d rather not be here at all!”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]You shrug. “Then, just hop off, dude.”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“I...cannot.”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Yeah, yeah, cursed. But you can just lift it, right?”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“I cannot.”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]You pause, with the warm keys still in the doorknob. “So, why are you being such a bastard then? Just settle down and enjoy how I do things. I guarantee you, they’re evil.”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“But it’s not [/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px]my[/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px] evil!”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]You groan. “Ugh, you’re such a petulant child!”[/SIZE]<br>
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“How do you know what petulant means, and not divulg--”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“If you would just keep your pants on, you would realize that you are sitting on an express train to heaven! Think of all the shit you can do up there!”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chester finally stops blabbering, and you can almost hear the wheels in his head turning. Well, at least that bought you some relative quiet time. You walk over to the bed, and throw yourself into it, ready to take a nice nap after all that walking around. You yawn but your drift into slumber is interrupted by a large sigh from Chester. You respond with an angry grunt,[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“What?”[/SIZE]<br>
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Irene, I have longed for Heaven for so long.”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Wait, what?”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“But I was rejected once before, so I just tried my best to fit in here.”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“What do you mean once before? Wait no--”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“It was so much more peaceful up there, and I could fit in--”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“I don’t want to hear your expository dump, dude--”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Things were simple there. I was safe, warmed by her embrace, draped against her tendrils, I was...happy.”[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]A particularly salty bead of sweat drops from your hair...was that a tear?[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chester takes a deep breath and continues.[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]---&gt; Slam your head into the wall in an attempt to end storytime.[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]---&gt; Flip on the television, in the hopes of drowning chester out with [/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px]The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]---&gt; Groan and listen to what is, undoubtedly, a long and boring backstory.[/SIZE]</div>
				
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							<h1 class="p-title-value"><span class="label label--gray" dir="auto">Multiple Settings</span><span class="label-append">&nbsp;</span>"Whoopsie-Doodle! Looks Like I Went to Hell!": Chapter 1 of Against Her Tendrils
	
	

	

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					<div class="bbWrapper">[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]-&gt; Groan and listen to what is, undoubtedly, a long and boring backstory[/SIZE]<br>
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	Knowledge is powerrrrr !&nbsp; I need more data  O.o &nbsp; .....</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">---&gt; Flip on the television, in the hopes of drowning chester out with The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas<br>
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					<div class="bbWrapper">[SIZE= 14.6667px]&gt; Groan and listen to what is, undoubtedly, a long and boring backstory[/SIZE]</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">With 66.7% of the vote (2/3)...<br>
<br>




<blockquote data-attributes="" data-quote="Omnimon" data-source="post: 6927502" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">
	
		<div class="bbCodeBlock-title">

			
				<a href="/goto/post?id=6927502" class="bbCodeBlock-sourceJump" rel="nofollow" data-xf-click="attribution" data-content-selector="#post-6927502">Omnimon said:</a>
			
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			[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]-&gt; Groan and listen to what is, undoubtedly, a long and boring backstory[/SIZE]
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		<div class="bbCodeBlock-expandLink js-expandLink"><a role="button" tabindex="0">Click to expand...</a></div>
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</blockquote><br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chester clatters quietly,[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Irene, a long, long time ago, I was in heaven and--"[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"No, you're made out of Hitler's bones or something. That's dumb. You're dumb."[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Irene, if you could just quiet your infernal yap for more than a nanosecond, I would be amazed."[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]You puff angrily, and decide to lay into how absurd the story is at the end.[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"You see Irene, I should have been evil, but it turns out that I'm rather terrible at it, as you may have guessed. Being comprised of hundreds of the worst people who have ever graced the planet doesn't guarantee a heart of pure evil." He sighs, and pauses, almost baiting you into a response. You hold your tongue. He continues,[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"When they finally measured my soul value, it was determined that I was to be in Heaven. It was a glorious, transcendent eternity in paradise, but it was ripped cruelly from me when--"[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"If it was an eternity, then wouldn't you be sick of it? I mean, I get sick of just about anything after half an hour, let alone an eternity."[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Hush! Heaven didn't like the concept of an amalgam of evil being a pure soul, and so I was unjustly thrown from paradise. Away from a lifetime of peace, endless moments of joy, and the love of my life, Salome."[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Alright, no way, that's stupid; You're a hairpin."[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Really, Irene, you can't dismiss everything that doesn't agree with you as stupid, and besides, I wasn't always a hairpin."[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Oh yeah?"[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Yes, ages ago, I was a broach and--"[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]His story is cut off as you frantically begin tugging at him. He yelps out in terror.[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Life forces! Bonded! Remember you idiot?!"[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Nope, I want out of this."[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Fine, would you appreciate an abbreviated version, you indolent swine?"[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Oh God, yes please."[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chester groans, and composes his thoughts, humming as he does it. Finally he speaks,[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"I fell in love with an angel, and boy, it'd be swell if I could see her again. There, I think that's the shortest I can make it."[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Ah, well you can hitch a ride with me when I ascend to my rightful place."[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"I...I would appreciate that greatly Irene. I know that you have no say in whether or not I'm stuck to your head now, but your blessing means a great deal to me."[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]You chortle, "I know, I'm the greatest. So, where do we go from here then, since you need to help me keep up this ruse?"[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]He clears his throat.[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Well, Irene, I figured, that if you're going to heaven, you need to look the part. Spiritually that is. You are a profoundly evil person."[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]You're a little hurt, and you're honestly surprised by that. You raise a hand to your chest in protest.[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Hey, I'm too young to be [/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px]legitimately[/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px] evil. I'm just misguided."[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Irene, really, let's be honest..."[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]He's quiet for a moment. Did he lose track of the conversation or is he peering into your mind?[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Irene, really, you once tried to get your gym teacher fired by loading a thumb drive with your own collection of depravity, and stashing it in her desk. Your evil is very premeditated, and if you're really going to Heaven, we need to heal your soul."[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Oh my God, Hell got even worse."[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"Now, the first thing we should focus on is..."[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]---&gt; Readers Choice.[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]---[/SIZE]<br>
<br>
<br>
	[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Have fun with this one folks! [/SIZE]What's the best way to make Irene's soul a little less...tainted?</div>
				
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					<div class="bbWrapper">Trying to not gaslight Carol , by undoing that plan ?&nbsp;<br>
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	hmmmm  O.o &nbsp;</div>
				
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			Gift baskets!  <img src="https://www.rpnation.com/media/emoticon1-opensmile.23673/full?d=1488654803" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":D" title="smile open    :D" data-shortname=":D">  Gotta thank everyone for being their wonderful evil selves.
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	Gotta second this, good idea.</div>
				
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