Britomart snorted and shook her head.<span style="color: #ff0000">"Karren, i am mostly monster. my hatred is a living entity inside me full of dark impulses and vengeful urges. i deal with it the same way i deal with anything, pure force of will. i punch the monster in the face and tell her every day that she can't have my life, it's mine and i am not going to let her tear it down. everyone has dark impulses and urges Karren and you have seen what they will do to your life so you decide today and every day for the rest of your life that you won't let them destroy another minute of your life. i made that decision the first moment i looked into Whisperia's eyes, that i was done indulging the beast, i was going to be a better person and take my life back and i have never given her a single inch back."</span>she frowned and shook her head.<span style="color: #ff0000"> "you really think my life is anything like that? i call it a good day when i don't listen to the screams of long dead children all day long... i live my life haunted by horrors you can't begin to understand and you think i am ever happy for long? i am hearing them right now, fifty three children my brother and i tried to get out of Lordareon. we got ambushed by a pack of Ghouls a mile from the city and i wasn't nearly the fighter then that i am now, i fought as best i could... it wasn't enough but i didn't retreat until the last screams died... i tried so hard..."</span>a tear escaped her eye and she shook her head.<span style="color: #ff0000">"sometimes i can push that all away enough for Jim or Whisperia to make me happy for a few hours but i pay dearly for that happiness because the children scream louder when they come back... and they all scream that i had no right to forget them, even for a short time."</span>she shook her head again and looked away.<span style="color: #ff0000">"the best months of my life were on Outland... the man i love was dying but there were twenty-two Draenei children in that village and i didn't fail them... they ran from me in fear if they saw me... but if i crawled out onto the balcony and laid there i could listen to those children laughing and playing and know that i had saved them... nothing else mattered and my past went silent because i had saved those children today and i would do it again tomorrow and the day after that. i wanted to spend the rest of my life saving those people because then everything i had done, everything i had lost, everything i had suffered was okay, it had made me strong enough to save those children. my life mattered, i wasn't just a scarred relic of a dead kingdom... i wasn't just a mad woman blowing undead monster apart for vengeance... i wasn't a lunatic hellbent on doing the impossible. i was a soldier, protecting children from the monsters and i was fucking good at it, i reveled in it... and i hate Order for taking that from me. sure, she saved my little village for all time, part of me understands that that is a good thing... but she stole the happiest time of my life and i fucking hate her."</span>she snorted and shook her head.<span style="color: #ff0000">"I'm sorry but your pain is self inflicted, you let one act of heroism destroy you and to be perfectly blunt your pity party disgusts me."</span><div class="messageTextEndMarker"> </div>