<span style="color: #FF80FF"> <span style="font-weight: bold"><span style="font-size: 150%; line-height: 116%;"><div style="text-align: center;">Lea Stevens</div></span></span> </span><br/><div style="text-align: center;"><a class="postlink" href="http://i300.photobucket.com/albums/nn24/SociallyToxicBeauty/036e0d3a-b28c-47ec-b858-0eaea6c67e4d.jpg">[ img ]</a></div><br/><span style="font-weight: bold"><span style="font-size: 150%; line-height: 116%;"><span style="color: #FF80FF"><div style="text-align: center;">"Jazz"</div></span></span></span><br/><br/>Carlos was making a lot of promises and Lea wanted to believe in them, but the topic of children was still iffy, and yet it was about the third or fourth time Carlos had mentioned it. He seemed to really want that life and she could understand. When she had Lucas, her whole world had been filled with light and happiness. Sure, the messy parts like late night feedings and tantrums were a bit stressful, but overall raising Lucas had been amazingly rewarding. Every giggle and smile became hers, and she couldn't help but be constantly amused by Lucas' childish wonder...<br/><br/>But now? The pain of losing Lucas had been unbearable, but she had held herself together long enough to hope that John would wake up and they would heal with one another--but John never did wake up and something inside of Lea had broken. She wasn't sure she could handle the possibility of that happening again--the possibility of losing another husband or child.<span style="color: #FF80FF">"I'm more of a cat person..."</span>Lea mumbled out as she tilted her head slightly, her chin remaining on her knees.<span style="color: #FF80FF">"Dogs are okay if they don't drool or jump on people...I don't like slobbery dogs..."</span>Lea wondered if that even mattered, wondered why she was even sharing that small bit of information. She didn't hate dogs, she just didn't like the constant licking and drooling most dogs partook in.<br/><br/><span style="color: #FF80FF">"I don't know about kids, Carlos..." </span>she finally said. It had taken her some time to even mention it, but she figured the sooner the better.<span style="color: #FF80FF">"It's a terrifying idea for me...I couldn't even protect Lucas and something in me died with him. I don't think I could ever go through the pain of losing another child...and if I did have a child, every day would be riddled with panic any moment they were out of my sight,"</span>it hurt Lea to say those words to Carlos, as it was pretty obvious he wanted a family very badly. She knew that she did, too, but she was too afraid at the moment. She was still wrapped up in her guilt and self-hatred too much to properly consider having another child. It was likely her mind would change later on, but at that moment she could not say that she wanted children again. The only thing she could say was,<span style="color: #FF80FF">"I need time..." <br/></span><br/>She knew Carlos wasn't rushing her, but it was best to just lay the cards out on the table. If Carlos was being open and honest with her about what he wanted, she needed to be open and honest about her own insecurities about his desires.<span style="color: #FF80FF"> "I don't know that I could ever be a good mother--not anymore at least. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you love me. I don't understand why you do, no matter how many times you explain. None of this seems possible. It doesn't seem possible that anyone can love me, it doesn't seem possible anyone wants to help me, and it doesn't seem possible that I will ever have any of those things again..."</span>She didn't look at Carlos as she said those words, already having an idea of what he might look like.