Havoc soon fell asleep, and he rarely had nightmares, but this time it was a stream of nightmares the lasted the several hours he was asleep. His dreams were always close to life, everyone in them, including himself, acted only a little off from normal, making it seem like they could actually happen. This dream started with just periods in his life that he hated, that made him not see the point in living. The last memory was of him thinking that if he just found one person who would stick by his side, everything would be okay. Then the memories stopped and it was him and Auxana just sitting and staring at each other, unable to say anything they both just sat there until Auxana got restless and left. Then it restarted, this time Auxana was trying to tell him something, something important, but he had no idea what. Eventually she got frustrated and left, then it restarted again, she couldn't tell him she was poisoned, she then died. It restarted again, again she had something to say, but couldn't, then he died from poison. This happened a few more times with it always that Auxana couldn't speak and it led to something bad.<br/><br/>Then it changed, Auxana had gotten the ability to talk, and they talked together at length, and she discovered that now that she could understand him that he wasn't worth being around. Then it restarted again, she talked to him about all the lovers she had, all he could see was that he was inferior to all of them. It restarted again, Auxana talked and she acted just like Chrysy and he ended up running away. It continued to show scenarios of how things could turn out badly, some ridiculous, some not. Then it changed again, an old lover of Auxana's had found her and wanted her back, the lover started yelling at Havoc, who became manic and ended up killing the man, Auxana was in tears and she ran away. It restarted, he was manic, yelling at Auxana about all her past kisses, telling her she should just go back to them because she obviously didn't care about him, Auxana was crying and ended up cutting his head off, which was actually a relief to him right before his head hit the floor. It started over, he was manic, Auxana stood against him with a blade. Havoc turned the blade into dark magic and used it to create skeletal spines to rip through her, he laughed over her dead body.<br/><br/>He shot up awake in a cold sweat, shaking in terror. He looked at Auxana meditating, I need to get away from her, he thought in a panic. He felt certain that she would leave him or something worse would happen, and that it would hurt one or both of them less if he left now, but he couldn't, he just couldn't leave Auxana alone. So many people abandoned him, he could never do that to someone else, least of all Auxana.<span style="color: #FF4000">His father appeared beside him, pretending to be concerned. "I was just trying to help you, she's going to leave you just like everyone else. You hate every moment of your life, you are fated to be miserable, are you really going to let it get to that with her? Just think, you are just one more person in a long list that she's used and then discarded. How many more bad experiences until you figure out the right thing to do. You should just end it now, plunge a blade right in your stomach, your sister had the right idea."</span>Havoc lay back down and grabbing his legs as he shook, feeling awful, he wanted to say shut up but couldn't even work up the effort for that. He wanted to do exactly as his father said, and it took every ounce of his being not to.<br/><br/>He couldn't help but feel that he couldn't have anything special with Auxana because others had no doubt done it better, not to mention not having all his problems. She had good moments in her life, he would only give her bad ones, he was sure of it. After all, it's all he knew, he should just die alone, but he decided that it would have to be that way, if he killed himself Auxana couldn't still be with him. It was that silent promise that allowed him to fight the urge. His depression wouldn't let him think about the fun he had, had while playing music with Auxana or of what she said with Meena's help, the only thoughts it allowed were dark ones.<br/><br/><span style="color: #FFFFBF">Auxana heard a pleading voice through her magic. "Mommy, please help him."</span><br/><br/>__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________<br/><br/>"I did have to be, with my family, I was a father, you have to be strong for your kids. And my ex-wife would panic about anything I didn't have full control over. It was a lot of work but I was up to the task. It's just gotten so much harder since then, but I'll manage, I have to." But suddenly he didn't believe that, all he could think about was how he had given everything into that marriage and his wife tossed it aside like it was nothing. It felt like it was all a lie, that he had never been loved and that he would never be loved. He was starting to panic about at how awful things were now and how everything was so screwed up that he didn't think they could ever get right again. It was visible too, his panic attack caused his breathing to become irregular and his gripped the seat with such strengthen that it left a dent. This was beyond his control, the fear was crippling and he could only ride it out, he couldn't just fake a smile through this.