She was quiet for the duration of the ride, trying not to be too close to him, even if part of her wanted to be closer, to just…be with him as she once had. There was a wince when he picked her up off of the horse, and another as she took in her surroundings, wondering how she’d get back before anyone noticed, wondering how she’d survive this…how he’d survive this…if she even wanted to survive this…<br/><br/>Her steps were hesitant into the house, hardly hearing what he said as her heart pounded in her ears. The only word she really keyed into was “bath”. Where he’d interrupted her scrubbing the feel of Ivor’s body off of her for the thousandth time, she needed to finish, scalding herself just to feel clean for even a moment. “…A bath…” Maria finally answered softly, a careful, guarded look in his direction. “…I need…a bath…”<br/><br/><span style="color: #FF0000">She was so scared and uncomfortable with him now, Brad was not sure how he could make it better? How he could put right what was wronged? It would be hard but he would not give up on her, not after all that they had shared and after all that she meant to him. “I will get the water going, you can just head upstairs and I will get it all ready. Ok?” his voice was soft as if he feared he would frighten her were he to raise his voice. <br/><br/>“There are fresh towels upstairs as well, um...and a robe you can wear for the night at least while I wash and dry your clothing,” tone still that soft and gentle one. Though it pained him, he resisted the urge to go to her and hold her, as he knew it would do more harm than good at the moment.</span><br/><br/>His voice was quiet, soft, which only had her feeling worse because he couldn’t act with her as he once had, that much was obvious with how he’d begun to conduct himself. It was like she was a doe in a field, and he the observer, trying to get close without scaring her off. All she did was nod, her eyes devoid of much else but apology. Apology and remorse that she’d gotten him involved.<br/><br/>Slowly moving away, she went to explore a bit, explore what little she could see prior to reaching the bathroom with…the ability to get water to her, already warmed. That part would have caused her more awe if she’d not been in the mindset she was. Instead, it was given a brief, passing thought as she entered the bathroom and perched on the side of the tub just…waiting, anxious eyes waiting for him to make an appearance.<br/><br/>There was so much she wanted to say, to explain, but she wasn’t sure he’d want to hear it. Perhaps, later, she’d start with an apology…and if he could still stand to look at her after, she’d go from there.<br/><br/><span style="color: #FF0000">To the boiler he added some extra wood, the fire stoked to get it white hot again. That done he actually took the time to undress some. The heavy shirt and cloak that he wore removed, which left him in a lighter weight sleeveless shirt. After that, he waited. <br/><br/>There was so much he wanted to say to her, to do and yet he was afraid. He feared that he would make it worse, that he would drive her over whatever edge she currently teetered upon. All he wanted to do was hold her, comfort her and make her feel like she did before.  If only he had been a man and stood up for her, claimed for his own and taken her away from this place. It would have been what his father would have done. <br/><br/>Before too much time elapsed he ventured upstairs, a stop made to gather the towels, robe and bath oils for her first. With his arm laden down with the items he nudged the door slowly open with his foot, “Hey...” he said with a kind smile. “Got all the stuff here for you....” he set it all down on a small stool he had in there, before he then reached around her to turn the water on. “There, it might be a little hotter than you are used to....,” he explained. “You can add the cold water to adjust the temperature....” <br/><br/>Now it was the awkward moment when he just stood there and waited to see if she had any questions...</span><br/><br/>His smile was met with a small, half-attempted one of her own that ended up being stopped short as it felt more like a grimace than anything else and that’d just make things worse. Her eyes ran over the stuff he’d gotten her, only to stop and focus in on his chest as he reached around her to turn the water on.<br/><br/>Something about being close with him, near a tub (even if not in it this time), had her mind flashing back to what felt like years ago, back to the inn where they’d talked. Back when she’d been…whole, clean, not this…thing that was before him now. “Brádach, I…” she started to say after the silence became near deafening. “…I just…wanted to say…sorry…” Her voice was quiet, barely audible, though she knew he’d hear her. “And..thank you for…risking your life and…dealing with all of…this…” A gesture at herself and she felt like that said it all. “…Even if I don’t deserve it…thank you…”<br/><br/><span style="color: #FF0000">There was only a moment where he just stood there and looked at her. Half the beating of heart before he knelt before her and took her hand into his own. <br/><br/>“Maria...” he began then reached his hand up to caress the side of her face. “I love you and want you to only be happy....” he frowned slightly. “You deserve to be loved and cared for....you deserve everything in the world. I would and will do anything for you....I am just sorry that I have confessed this feelings so late....” then with care he lowered his head and kissed the back of her hand. “No matter what you need or when you might need me, I swear to you that I will always be there....” he whispered as he kept his head lowered to her.</span><br/><br/>Part of her wanted to pull her hand away, to put distance between them, but then the other part of her wanted to stay close, to become closer somehow. To get down on her knees in front of him, lift his chin and just…look at him in the eyes, really look in them, for the first time since they danced at her wedding.<br/><br/>“But…I don’t understand how…how you can even stand to…” Her voice broke for a moment, but she pushed through. “…To look at me when I can’t even stand to look at me. I feel…dirty…and used, and worthless and broken…I can’t even sleep in my bed anymore because it’s…it’s the reminder of everything I’ve become: just a thing to be…to be traded and pop out…some man’s babies…Not meant to read, or do anything worthwhile…just…be the thing to give him what he needs…the few times he needs it…It’s just like you said…the night we talked…”<br/><br/>A tired, sad smile started on her lips, accompanied by a sad sort of sound that was akin to a laugh, though not quite. “…I should have just…asked you to take me away…like I’d dreamt of…over and over…I should have just…listened to you when you told me to act on what I wanted…and now you get to deal with…all of…” Her voice broke again, though she’d already lowered to her knees; When she did, she wasn’t sure, but she’d crumpled into a heap on the floor, pressing into tub’s wall and fighting with herself on whether or not to try and hold him, or if she were even clean enough to touch him, let alone hold him, be selfish and seek comfort and to comfort.<br/><br/><span style="color: #FF0000"> “Things are never easy, especially if they are worth anything”, it was something his father always told him and up until now he never understood. <br/><br/>“What I can't stand is to be away from you,” he said when he gathered her up into his arms. “Sleeping at night knowing you are in pain, wanting to hold you all day and whisper to you how much you mean to me, but being unable to do so....” he kissed her shoulder. “That is what I cannot stand, but not this.... Not holding you, feeling your body against mine....” he kissed her again. “Now, I would take you away. Hide you, love you and protect you from all of them....even now I would do so, without hesitation. You need only ask and it would be done...” <br/><br/>This was crazy, these words, these statements and proclamations. However, he meant them all and would do each and everything he said because she meant that much to him.</span><br/><br/>He was talking crazy, while she trembled in his arms, barely able to keep from crying while she tried to comprehend it all. Even his kisses, she fought not to shy away from, her body caught somewhere between a shiver of disgust and one of pleasure, of relief. And, then he said it…the words she’d wanted so desperately to hear. That he’d take her away… from everything…all she had to do was ask.<br/><br/>“Don’t…” Maria choked out passed the lump in her throat. “Don’t…say that…Don’t tempt me with the notion I’ve longed for…even after everything, I want to just…to just go…disappear…vanish…but I can’t…My fate is sealed…If I leave…so is that of my kingdom…my people…my father…How can I be that selfish…? How can I ask you…to be that selfish…?”<br/><br/><span style="color: #FF0000"> “Because...” he said and held her a bit tighter. “We have suffered enough in our lives and done more for other than ourselves...” he kissed her lightly again. “We deserve something more, something better....we deserve to be happy and not have our lives controlled by people who care only for themselves...” <br/><br/>His voice broke then with the emotion he had held back, with the love he felt for her and the pain he felt for what had been done to her. “I just want you and want to be happy with you....there is nothing wrong with wanting that....”</span><br/><br/>“But there is something wrong…in ruining the lives of the many because of my wants…” she replied, shaking her head as she buried her face into the crook of his neck, hands clinging to him for the first time in what felt like months. “I met you when I was already promised…I shouldn’t have even entertained the notions I did…nor acted with you as I did…now I have to suffer the consequences…I’m just…I’m sorry you have to deal with it, too…”<br/><br/>In her mind, it was their god punishing her. Had she remained faithful, she wouldn’t be in the hell she was now, and neither would he. She was the one promised, not he; It was her fault. “Don’t…don’t tempt me…don’t tell me you’ll take me away…because I might….I might cave and we’ll be worse for it…”<br/><br/>She hadn’t even touched on the ‘love’ yet, unable to fully think that part through, not yet.<br/><br/><span style="color: #FF0000"> “Then we will stay here together,” he said as he held her close. “I can't have you like I want to have you, but we will be together and I will stand at your side through all of this,” he promised to her. “But, know that if you ever wanted to, or if you were in danger, I would take you away from here....” he whispered to her. “You are not being punished, we are just playing the cards that we have both been dealt, but I promise you that it will get better....” <br/><br/>How he planned to make it better he was not sure, but he was just happy that now she was with him again. In his arms and close like he had dreamt for so many nights when he laid in bed alone.</span><br/><br/><span style="font-style: italic">But you can’t stand at my side for this…</span>came a saddened thought, though it remained unvoiced.<span style="font-style: italic">She</span>didn’t even want to be at her side for this, so how did she expect him to attempt it?<br/><br/>Her clinging loosened as another wave of nausea took hold, a hand leaving him to cover her mouth before trying to extricate herself as delicately as possible. Eyes desperately scanning, they hit the basin off in the corner and she made a dash for it, barely hitting it in time as the few contents of her stomach that she’d manage to keep were violently lost. Each heave, each wretch, was loud despite her efforts to quiet it. Unlike before, a part of her didn’t want to gross him out, to push him away, however small that part was; It was the part she was currently indulging in.<br/><br/>A white knuckle grip on the rim of it, she continued to lose everything until there was nothing left to lose, dissolving into dry heaves.<br/><br/><span style="color: #FF0000">The vomiting was a concern, a large one. “Here...” he stood. “I know of a tea mixture that can sooth your stomach to ease the nausea,” he said with concern and caring. With that said he made his way downstairs and put the kettle on the stove to heat the water, while he got out the herbs. A skill that many did not see, he ground the various ingredients, though some of them he left whole before he wrapped it all up in a cloth for steeping the tea. <br/><br/>As he got the all set, he went back up to check on her, “Here...” he went to her side. “Let me help you get into the tub, I'll wash your back for you. Ok?”</span><br/><br/>His words were hardly heard over her own groans, a mixture of embarrassment and the annoyance at the inability to stop herself. But, by the time he’d come back, she’d stayed bracing the basin and just breathing, occasionally heaving though there was nothing left to lose. A glance was spared at his eyes, though her own dropped again, starting to shake her head at his offer. “You don’t…don’t want to see this…” she cautioned, arms wrapping about herself as she’d been in the habit of doing whenever anyone mentioned washing her. “I’ll just…” A hand gestured pathetically at the tub.<br/><br/><span style="color: #FF0000"> “Maria..” tone soft and loving. “Let me love you, protect you and take care of you....please...” he took just a small step toward her, his hand held out for her to take. A life time is what he wished to spend with her, time spent where he would make this all right again. Whispered words of love and devotion in the night, while he held her close; keeping her safe and warm.</span><br/><br/>She couldn’t look at him, careful to keep her eyes instead on the offered hand. Nothing about this made sense to her, not in the slightest. How could he even possibly want to hang around, stick by her, when she was now married? After watching what his parents went through, why would he want to relive it?<br/><br/>But…the hand…the way he continued to come for her, despite everything in her telling her he wouldn’t…it made her miss him more, made her want to try and focus on him for just a little while. Even if she’d have to tear herself away from him and back to reality, it’d be worth it for a little while…right?<br/><br/>A hand, hesitant and slow, reached for his, stopping short of it for a brief moment until it closed the gap and took hold of his, eyes carefully meeting his before a small nod. “…Alright…” came her quiet reply, eyes dropping again before rising to meet his own again. Yes, they were hesitant, the violet depths significantly dulled, but showing something other than sadness for the first time since her wedding night; A small improvement, but an improvement nonetheless.<br/><br/><span style="color: #FF0000">With her hand in his own, he lead her over to the tub. There he removed her clothing with care and as gentle as possible. Though there was the urge to touch, caress and taste, he ignored it. Perhaps, in the future they could have that again, in fact he was sure that they could have that again with one another. However, for now he would content himself with something that was better even than anything else. Time spent with her was invaluable and he would take as much of it as he could, whenever he could. Once again, he took up her hand and guided her into the tub. The soothing oils added to the water, while he took up the sponge and began to wash her back.</span><br/><br/>Her hesitance remained as he led her toward the tub, and only increased when he worked at removing her clothing. Eyes dropping again, fixated on the floor, her hands clasped in front of herself, except when he needed to remove something, covering what she could without even thinking about it, trying to keep him from seeing anything she didn’t want to look at herself which was…admittedly…everything.<br/><br/>And the need keep covered didn’t stop once in the water; At least, not right off. Eventually, she relaxed to some degree, eyes drifting closed and breath evening out as he washed her back. The urge to scrub at herself was there, like it had been since the incident, but wasn’t acted upon, for the moment.<br/><br/>“…Thank you, Brádach…” she murmured, chancing a quick glance at him before focusing intently on the water in front of her. “For…everything…”<br/><br/><span style="color: #FF0000"> “There is nothing to thank me for,” he replied easily, the scented oils added to the sponge before he continued. “This is not easy, but nothing in life that is worth anything is easy. What we have is not the best, at least in terms of circumstances, but I would not change anything about it. Not as long as it brought us together and allowed me to find you,” he stopped then, his hand used to turn her eyes back up to him. “I would go through this and more, if that meant I would have even one night with you....one moment in time that is worth a thousand lifetimes,” he whispered with love and honesty to her. <br/><br/>Words were all that he had left now, the comfort and reassurance that could be conveyed with a touch or a kiss was denied to them, for the moment. All he could hope was that with his words he could express to her just how much she meant to him and what he would do or go through for her.</span><br/><br/>Tears were brimming in her eyes, but she kept them off, gaze soon turned to look at him despite not wanting to. But what he said, whispered, it made the tears flow freely, a shaky hand reaching for him, only to stop and instead just hold his arm. Her thumb lightly smoothing over it, she closed her eyes, opening them and focusing lower until she finally rose to meet them again. “I…love you, Brád…” A pause as the tears got the better of her again. “I’m just sorry I’m not…me anymore…and that I couldn’t tell you sooner…at the right time…not after getting sick and crying in your bath tub…”<br/><br/><span style="color: #FF0000">There were no words....nothing at all, at this very moment that could express how happy he was at the moment. Even at that moment with everything that was going on, he was still happy to know that she loved him too. “My tub?” he said with a grin. “You mean our tub. I built this place for us, so this is your home too,” he smiled. “How did I do so far with decorating it? Think it could use more of a woman's touch?”</span><br/><br/>His grin was admittedly infectious, but went unreturned. Instead, she merely looked down, embarrassed. “I, um…I haven’t really…looked…” she mumbled, the admittance not something she was too happy with herself about, given the time and effort he’d clearly put into building it. “Sorry, I’ll…um…poke around after the bath…if that’s alright?”