Severus had been focused on his breathing. Trying desperately to stem off any more flashbacks that would follow. He knew he'd almost mastered Occlumency. He'd had too. To keep himself sane some nights. To protect his mother. It was all he wanted. All he'd ever wanted. He didn't care what happened to himself. So long as he kept his father's more deranged moods from hurting his mother. He could vaguely remember a time before his father had lost his job. When they had been a happy family. When Eileen hadn't been sick. When she'd been able to take care of him like a mother should. She'd been the bright spot in his life. She'd always been. Even when she was sick. He missed her so much it kept shattering his Occlumency shields no matter how hard he tried.<br/><br/>He could feel the traitorous tears beginning to collect in his eyes and had to blink rapidly to force them back. He couldn't cry. He just couldn't. He really couldn't. His breathing ragged he didn't notice that he'd stopped walking. He didn't notice that Lily had come up to him. Never mind stopped right in front of him. He blinked rapidly at her as he heard her calling his name. Taken aback.<br/><br/>"I'm fine," he stated in a dead tone of voice. Though it was blindly evident he wasn't fine. He couldn't admit weakness. Not even to Lily. He looked away from her green gaze. Least she see the reflection of unshed tears in his eyes. He focused instead on the wall in the distance. Focussing on his breathing. Glad that his robes and clothing covered every inch of his skin. Well except for his face and his hands. The faint bruise just under his left eye was the only thing visible from the damage that lay hidden beneath the layers of fabric.<br/><br/>"How was your summer Lily?" Severus asked softly. Avoiding answering her question. Not that this was unusual for the young man. He hardly ever answered a question that was so personal. It wasn't in his nature to do so. So many years of protecting himself and avoiding answering anything more then he was fine. It was automatic now. A defence mechanism like so many others that seemed to keep landing him trouble with his friend or their school. He looked around wondering if there was a place less public to speak. He didn't particularly like the fact he was on the edge of the stairs and Black or Potter or both could come up behind him at any moment and make his life hard. He had his wand ready just in case. He was in no mood to deal with his bullies today. He would give them cause to fear him. He wouldn't hesitate. So much pain and anger lay coiled just beneath that mask of distant disinterest. That cold granite exterior he had taken to wearing as a way to keep anyone from truly knowing how deep their insults stung or how much pain he was in.<br/><br/>It was always easier to hide the pain. Push it down and away. To leave it hidden behind the thick walls he'd built around himself. He knew if Lily pushed now she would shatter his defences. He feared this as much as he hoped for it. In one way he hoped to deter her with his simple question. In another he feared that deterrent would mean he would never find the strength to confide in his best friend.