"I..."<br/><br/>Oh. Why he'd hit Rafe. That was... that was very complicated. Among other things he couldn't really remember 100% why aside from that he'd been caught up and angry. And he really could not seem to like the guy, even for Celeste. But it had a lot to do with her memories and Danielle and... it was something he needed to tell her, needed to bring back. But now really wasn't the time. That would likely have to come once they were more settled, once a number of things had been worked out- though her not remembering yet did surprise him. He'd thought it would be back by now.<br/><br/>"Because of... uh, not quite."<br/><br/>But he didn't really want to think about that so much. The rest was more important. He made sure to give her a good squeeze back, and a little kiss, but he had to continue on and all that. It was her reaction afterward that got to him. Like a little tiny bullet through the chest.<br/><br/>He had graduated highschool. Sure, he'd only just barely been around long enough to do that, but still. It wasn't supposed to be like that afterward. Rayner's face twisted in a sour expression as he took in what she said and thought about what they'd been doing, and put together with it the whole talk they'd had way back when. He didn't remember everything he'd said, not by a long shot. His memory was decent, not photographic. The nuances of the conversation were lost on him, but he remembered well more than enough to know where she was going and just what he'd been thinking back at the time. Shoving off the bold of disappointment and the accompanying nuances of the sense of rejection he gathered himself. What was left was mostly frustration.<br/><br/>"Cel, I..." he twisted his mouth in frustration, staring blankly down at the space between them. Perhaps one of the few time he'd be seen staring at her breasts and not even thinking about them a little. He just had to be up front. She was a big girl, she didn't need him to tell her all about how she had to say what she wanted for him to know.<br/><br/>"The point of us was that I was scared."<br/><br/>He made himself put that out there quickly, boldly snapping out the words before he changed his mind. Rayner would be the very first one to call himself a coward. But he didn't like actually admitting to being afraid of any given thing, or admitting when he was scared. Partly typical machismo of course, but a part of it had to be rooted in the natural unease everyone approached subjects of fear with, and his need to feel in control. Between the Knight, and his own problems after, Owle and Tiera, well. It was no surprise that he didn't like to let people too close to knowing what he was ever thinking anymore. He'd been much more open once. Before he'd been helpless in his own head for months, and gone and shot down two people trusting him with everything they had in the span of less than a single month, without ever thinking he might wind up harming one of them. The world was a much different place once every shadow was waiting to manipulate you or take away your will and render you a helpless whimpering pile, fought through show of strength and hiding every weakness. It was a very different place when you couldn't trust, above any thing else, yourself.<br/><br/>And right on the tail end of that, and thinking he'd been either on the road to possession again, or insanity, he'd run into Celeste out near Barthavos.<br/><br/>"I..." much less sharply, "I was scared. I'd just had some of the biggest fuck ups of my life, and other people were paying the price. People I cared about. I was having dreams of someone else's memories- not the first time it happened- and I was terrified I was going to wind up a puppet on someone's strings again. Or maybe just insane. All the while I was picking fights with things way bigger than me with no idea what I was getting into, keeping up with Athan and Fah."<br/><br/>It was hard to explain this part he twisted carefully, trying to get it together.<br/><br/>"Everything was falling apart, and the harder I tried to do right by folks the more things crumbled, or I hurt them. It's why I left Owle. I was dragging her down with me, and things were confused between us. I'd already cut ties with everyone else I knew by that point, I was just looking to do some good before I hit rock bottom without costing anyone else. The point was to not let anyone else rely on me, or get attached. So when you asked me where you were, I had all of that looming over my shoulder. I couldn't go to spare everyone else just to ruin you. It's... been a very long two years since then."<br/><br/>He blew out a puff of air and let his face fall. He'd lost a lot of the fire. He'd been frustrated, and using that had been the only thing making him rush into his own thoughts and fears before he had second thoughts and dropped it. This was important enough to keep going though.<br/><br/>"I've had a lot of time and help getting over my issues with myself."<br/><br/>He had trouble meeting her eyes, so he worked himself up to it slowly, and firmly took a hold of one of her hands. After all, she'd done a great deal of that help. A certain old Vagrant had actually done quite a bit as well. That, and time. Time could work wonders.<br/><br/>"I don't really get the sense I'm riding a one way train to hell anymore. I'm not as afraid anymore and... well, you know. Even if I was, I know I'm sort of attached anyway."<br/><br/>He couldn't be blamed for the uncertain, cheesy smile he gave her as he looked up to meet her eyes, that she must have though so out of place on him. He had no idea what was on his face or real control over it at the moment. He wasn't "Kael" right now. He was every ounce that he could manage the boy grown too fast that hid behind that mask. There was something to say for that, wearing the mask of the one that scarred you, destroyed you most thoroughly, becoming what you hated, but this wasn't the place.<br/><br/>"I know I probably didn't make much sense in that whole mess but... that... that's my spiel. I'm not asking you to marry me or anything, but... this is what I want now. It feels right. That's all."<br/><br/>He chuckled, a sound that was sheer nervousness, not the devil-may-care thrill thrown onto whatever he was feeling it so often was, and for a minute, he felt a lot younger, more vulnerable and natural sitting there, as much as he never thought about the mask he wore. Almost like he was back three years, or was it four? Far back in the past, the kid who'd run from home, scared of something strange happening to him but determined to face it, laying next to Sam for what was the first time, and the hundredth, all in one.<br/><br/>"'s all."