<div style="text-align: right"><b>Monday evening.<br/>
Nowhere.<br/>
Somewhere near the middle. </b>​</div><br/>"Oh, Sandra, I don't know"<br/><br/>Lexi was in her kitchen, a glass of wine at her side and a bunch of chopped vegetables at her side. She was currently chopping onions as she glanced at her iPad, in which her friend was also in her kitchen. Sandra, of course, was unpacking her take-out food. Frankly, Lexi despaired.<br/><br/>"Tell me, Lex," Sandra said, a spring roll suddenly appearing in her hand and Lexi winced at the crunch sound.<br/><br/>"It's .. well, I had this patient today. A kid, he's like thirteen or so years old, needs a medical for sports, right?" Sandra nodded and Lexi winced again, then grimaced as she watched her friend shove a spring roll into her mouth more-or-less whole. She'd taken a small bite first, of course. Sandra and Lexi were good enough friends that they knew each other's little habits well. Sandra always took a small bite of any food before she ate properly; she believed that she would be able to tell if something was bad and, therefore, she'd avoid or at least lessen the risk of getting ill.<br/><br/>Sandra, whose mouth was now so full she resembled a chipmunk, motioned for Lexi to continue.<br/><br/>"It wasn't until I saw his father that I recognised the name," Lexi said. "I lost his wife on the table."<br/><br/>"Bhit! Mben?" Sandra was utterly disgusting, Lexi glared at her. Sandra was too busy masticating to notice.<br/><br/>"She was my first death," Lexi said and, although she wouldn't ever admit it, her heart swelled as she saw Sandra half-choke herself in an attempt to swallow the spring roll so that she could talk. "You remember?"<br/><br/>Nodding, Sandra gulped some wine and then spoke. "Lex, you nearly quit after that woman died." Sandra frowned deeply. "I hate being so far away from each other. Did he recognise you"<br/><br/>Auburn hair moved as Lexi shook her head. "I don't think so. You remember how Slavic made me be the one to tell him? I don't remember him being so damn good looking, I tell you that," Sandra chuckled as Lexi said that, but she didn't interrupt her friend. "The thing is, I mean, he's moved on. I knew she had a kid, they did, but ... he's a teenager. How many people have I lost in that time, Sandra?"<br/><br/>"Less than most," Sandra pointed out. "Your record is amazing."<br/><br/>"That's as maybe," Lexi dismissed the compliment. "But we both know that my field has one of the highest mortality rates. I just... I can't remember all their names, I can't recall all the faces but hers? I can't forget that and Sandra before I recognised him I was thinking how hot my dead patient's husband was. I'm sick."<br/><br/>Sandra looked at her friend. "Lex, don't."<br/><br/>"Don't what?" Lexi asked and then, before Sandra could answer, she spoke again. "I'm fine, Sand, I am. It was just a surprise. Now, tell me. Has Curious George actually worked up to asking Phoebe out?"<br/><br/>And so, the pair of friends chatted. Lexi fixed herself a salad, but she knew that she was going to have to go and do some shopping, soon, as she was more or less out of everything.<br/><br/>Except wine.<br/><br/>Once she and Sandra had signed off, Lexi got on with work, getting things ready for the next day and setting up the remote access she needed to the work system. She was focused, driven, and when she was working, Lexi thought about nothing and no one else. However, as she lay in her bed that night, the cool cotton sheets against her bare legs, Lexi couldn't help but think about the wife of the man who had been in her office today - the first person who had died on her table.<br/><br/>Had she really done everything right? Sandra had been completely correct when she said that, Mrs Sanheim's death had nearly caused Lexi to leave medicine. She didn't fail. She hated failing. But that wasn't what had pushed her to doubting that she was suited to being a surgeon. It had done more than that, she knew.<br/><br/>Turning in bed, she lay on her back and stared up at the dark ceiling. Her pyjamas consisted of a pair of loose cotton shorts and a vest top, and yet, she felt hot and cold simultaneously. In the quiet darkness of her new home, Lexi couldn't stop her mind from going back there. The woman had seemed so vulnerable, so frightened. In the moments when she was still awake, as they worked to stem the bleeding and as Lexi put the mask onto her face, the woman had opened her eyes and stared at Lexi for a moment. Then, as clear as day she'd said one word.<br/><br/><i>Please.</i><br/><br/>It was the most heartbreaking sound Lexi had ever heard and, as she put the mask on, she'd whispered into her patient's ear. "It's going to be alright. I'll save you," she said. And then, of course, the words which she would never again utter to a patient. "I promise."<br/><br/>She had relived the hours they worked on her in the theatre immeasurable times. Every movement, every thought process. If she hadn't taken a second to gather her thoughts, would things have been different? If she hadn't investigated the left ventricle first, would they have saved her?<br/><br/>Every cut, every movement. Considered and analysed and considered again. She'd driven herself close to the edge with that, but it all came down to the fact that Lexi had a calling and sometimes, just sometimes, people died. Sighing, she turned again, lifting her head to punch her pillow a little, she laid back down and sighed. Curling up into an almost foetal position, she whispered quietly. "Sorry I couldn't save you, Mrs Sanheim."<br/><br/>Sleep didn't come easily that night and, when it did, it was filled with dreams of failure.