THE COMEDIAN AND HIS MUSE (continued)<br/><br/>I'm going on stage at Dion's and it's no longer a dream.  Thalia introduces me and the audience loudly applauds.  They have a little idea of what to expect, but I'm going to show them that they never expected anything like me.  I walk onto the stage and I take possession of the stage and the room.  They don't know it, but they are going to belong to me.  Me!  Toby Turner.<br/><br/>I take the microphone in my right hand.  "Good Evening! Thank you for being here."  I let my eyes sweep the twilight-lit room.  I let the audience know that I can see them, that I'm not just blindly flapping my lips and beating my meat on the stage.<br/><br/>Compliment.  "Wow!  This has got to be the biggest gathering of beautiful people that I’ve ever been with.  Thank you for allowing me to be the exception that allows the rest of you to look so dazzling."  Self deprecation.  They feel good about themselves and first laughs and chuckles start.<br/><br/>Draw them in by sharing a secret.  "But this is deeper than the visual appearances.  There's more than just childish imagination at work here.  I confess, I am different from the standard human being. I have an extra beat in the rhythm of my heart. I forgot, but I was reminded about this out about two years ago."<br/><br/>More confiding to the crowd, "My parents adopted me as an infant.  Until about the age of eight, I had no doubt that I was a child of their bodies.  Then, they told me."  Pause and make a silly twist.  "So, I started thinking that my real parents were from outer space."  Bigger laughs!  But I'm only just warming up!<br/><br/>Matter of fact-ly, "My dad knew about my heartbeat when I was just a boy."   I look up at an imaginary father figure, asking  like a kid that's learned the truth about Santa Claus in the modern world, incredulously,“Dad, why didn’t you tell me I was parahuman!?!??"  Exaggerated and childish anger, "I feel so betrayed!”  Back to the present.  "But I understand now, like a kid I might have blabbed it out way back then."   This time I imitate the voice of a young brat of a child, “I got something you don’t got! Nya nya nya nya nah!”  The room explodes in laughter!<br/><br/>The audience gets their self control back, but not for long.  "The military knew about it."  I say, revealing another confidence, another secret.  "Let than sink in.  There are parahumans in the military" I say with the utter conviction of a stereotypical conspiracy theorist.  I get more laughs.  The crowd's enjoying the ride.  Twist! Now the voice of a nerdy and nasally excited alien-in-disguise voice, “Greetings, Syzygy Seven! I hear you got your top-secret clearance. Totally cosmic, Dude! I mean Dude-ette, sor-ry.” More chuckles.  I let my voice become my own and speak with authority, "There have always been Trans in the military."  Twist!  "They’ve just been in the spaceship closet."  Again, the room freakin' explodes in laughter.  I have to wait a little bit longer this time for it and the applause to subside enough for me to continue.<br/><br/>Time to pivot a little bit.  Time for the alternate theory of my strangeness.  "Actually, instead of being half alien, it could be that I was successfully abducted by Extra-Terrestrials as a very small child."  The room goes quiet as everyone is paying close attention to me.  They're all eager to hear more.  Time to set 'the hook'.  I continue, like nothing's really that strange, "So maybe I am a human…, with an alien-implant."  This isn't really a punch line, but the room eats it up like it is one.  The laughter is like music to my ears.<br/><br/>After a pause, I go on, "I think that must be the case. My Dad and the military felt sorry for me and didn’t make a big deal about it."  Now I pretend I'm my dad, "'Poor kid. Let’s let him have as normal a life as possible.'  But deep inside me, I think, I knew that there was an alien implant inside of me."  The laughter is flowing from the audience every time I make an absurd statement.<br/><br/>I let the crowd recover and intimately let them know that I'm telling them yet another secret, "But not all doctors are in on these secrets. Examples? My new General Practitioner and my Cardiologist."  They're very attentive, they really are enjoying listening to me and laughing.<br/><br/>"I’m having a check-up with the doctor and he listens to my heart… and he says" and by the way, both of these doctors are originally from India, so I voice and Indian accent, "'Mr. Turner, you have an extra beat in your heart. Do you know what that is?'"<br/><br/>The room senses that something good is coming after my Indian impression and I continue, "My subconscious would not be stopped and I blurted out the truth, “It’s the alien implant.”  They laugh like they have wanted to laugh this hard for years.<br/><br/>When the room calms down, I continue, "My doctor did a double take and went, 'Wha???' " I briefly try to look like my confused Indian doctor, more laughter, just a little bit this time.  That's okay, I have many more tricks up my sleeve.<br/><br/>Going on with the story, fact, "He sent me to a cardiologist."  Twist, "This cardiologist actually worked on a robot that was sent back in time from the future, The Gover-nator, Arnold Schwarzenegger."  I am feeling like I'm in heaven with all the laughter and applause.  Soon, get back to the story.  "You’d think that the cardiologist would have been in on the secret."<br/><br/>"After listening to my heart, he also said, 'Mr. Turner, you have an extra beat in your heart. Do you know what that is?'”<br/><br/>"I said, 'It’s the alien implant.'”  More howls of laughter.  Two different doctors in a row falling for the same line.<br/><br/>"The cardiologist also did a double-take and went, 'Wha???'  Again, I give them the confused doctor expression.  They're still laughing, so I wait, again.<br/><br/>Back to a narrative voice,"So, I guess the Men In Black were too busy to mind wipe me, my doctor and my cardiologist...," the M.I.B. reference gets some chuckles, "because I got scheduled for an angiogram, so the doctors could study my heart."  Once again everyone is listening intently.<br/><br/>Lightening up, "I wouldn’t be able to drive home directly after the operation, so I booked a ride-share for coming and going, an Uber. The saucer was on time and the ride very nice."<br/><br/>Continuing like nothing in this story is out of the ordinary, "After signing what seem to be a ton of papers promising not to sue the doctors and the hospital, I made my peace with My Creator, whoever My Creator was."  the laughter is shorter, I think because the crowd is sensing that very soon I'm going to be building to the climax.<br/><br/>Narrative voice, "I was efficiently prepped for the angiogram. I lay down on the gurney and they wheel me into a darkened operating room with one big lamp. The doctors and the nurses were all shadowy...."  I pause and then, say "Déjà vu! It seemed so familiar, like a memory from childhood."  The audience laughs and they know that I'm teasing them.<br/><br/>"I was sedated and soon unconscious."  I go on, but now I energize my voice, "The next thing I know, I’m feeling like I’ve been punched in the chest by a t-800 model 101" I thump my chest with the microphone. "Arnold? Is that you?"  I need to find more ways to express how I'm busting up the listeners.  I have never actually killed anyone by telling a story, but it might happen tonight.<br/><br/>A little slower, but still with energy, I explain, "My cardiologist has just hit me with the defibrillator, 3000 volts," I hit my chest with the mic again.  "Twice."  Pause.  "My heart had started going crazy in my chest, SUPPOSEDLY in reaction to a coloring dye that’s used in angiograms."<br/><br/>Things are getting exciting.  "On my back I hear my cardiologist" and using my excited Indian doctor voice, I say, "'Mr. Turner, can you hear me?!?!'”<br/><br/>"I open my eyes and see my cardiologist, still masked. He’s doing his impression of a snap-queen-slash-windshield wiper"  I move my left arm left-right-left-right, snapping my fingers on the end of each pass and audience howls, "and he's watching my eyes.<br/><br/>In imitation of my doctor's voice, I go "'Mr. Turner! Mr. Turner! Are you okay?' he asks me."<br/><br/>Sounding a little angry, because this shit was not supposed to happen, I say, "‘Am I okay’ he wants to know. Am I okay?"<br/><br/>"I look at him, I point at him and say, 'You pissed of the alien implant, didn’t you?'”  The laughter and the applause are deafening!!!  I cannot guess how long the applause goes on because all of my senses are lost in it.  I am drunk on it.<br/><br/>I'm certain that minutes go by before the room is quiet enough for me to be heard.  One last zinger, though.  "Thank you all for listening to this story and for those of you that didn’t like it, PROBE YOU and good night!"  I take my bow for as long as they applaud.<br/><br/>(to be continued....)