He should've left when he had the chance. With Mau, there was never any chance for closure, never any chance to get back out. He had naively thought they could reminisce about the past as a tribute to their years, but his mere appearance had dragged Mau five years back. And she was damned sure about to haul him down with her as well. He should never have come. But now that he had, he wasn't sure if he could back out anymore.<br/><br/>Did he even have any agency anymore? Had fate chosen him arbitrarily out of the billions of human souls to torment especially? He was a performer, acting out a preset script that could only ever lead to one singular ending. That moment when he had chosen to come home with Mau had set off a chain of events that could only ever lead to one inexorable possibility that was playing out at this very moment. It was torture, but it was also the promise of infinite bliss, if only he allowed himself to succumb.<br/><br/>He shook his head. He couldn't allow himself to go down that path. Couldn't allow himself to give himself over to Mau once more. He knew what she wanted; he could see it in her eyes, her heavy breathing, the soft and inadvertent motions of her body. She had never been good at hiding her desire. He just couldn't allow it to her. A heat was spreading slowly through his body - was it the tequila? - but he tamped it down, sent his stray thoughts straight to the back of his mind, prepared to shut her down.<br/><br/>His body had other plans. The feeling of Mau's foot bumping against his, her delicate and desperate fingers curling around his jaw, that slight opening of her mouth as her eyes stared hungrily into his - all of it called to a part of him that he was struggling to contain, that anger and rage and desire aching to be released. He felt like he was being torn in two, that invincible dam that he had put up slowly being eroded by Mau's relentless persistence. Why couldn't she just move on? She was moving up in the world; she had everything that she would ever really need.<br/><br/>Except him. The realization hit him like a mortar shell, the fact that if he had just left her alone they would never have devolved back into this vicious cycle. By showing up, he had given her hope. And hope was a treacherous, dangerous beast.<br/><br/>Enough. He had been too paralyzed to stop Mau from walking towards him, but he wasn't about to let her unbutton his jeans. His hand darted out and clasped around Mau's wrist before she could undo the clasp, his fingers digging into her skin with a rabid desperation.<br/><br/>"Don't." He warned, voice strained. He stepped forward, forcing Mau to backpedal until her back hit the island. Memories of when he would manhandle her much the same surfaced and dissipated. He had to shut this down now. "You don't know who I am. You don't know what to remind me of." He was looming over her now, his larger frame caging her against the island, his fingers still locked tightly around her skin. It was painful, without a doubt, but he barely even noticed. Anybody else, if he hurt them enough, they would back the fuck off. Not Mau.<br/><br/>"You still want the Ryan of five years ago. You think I haven't changed a bit. You want me to revert to that self, so that we can go back to our little fucked up fairy tale without another care in the world." His words were coming out fast now, driven by that little bit of despair that was leaking through his wall. "Well, that's not possible anymore. You don't get the teenage me. You're stuck with me, understand? Me! I will never be that boy anymore, cannot be that boy for you. If you keep pushing, you're going to get something that you don't want. So back. The fuck. Up." His eyes bored intensely into Mau's face, making it clear just how serious he was. His chest rose and fell slowly in labored breaths, his psyche being ripped to shreds behind his attempted stoicism.