Both males seemed to be unable to stop themselves from spilling out all of their thoughts, however ugly and unpleasant they were. Blue listened as Eivind told him everything, and it seemed like he was talking to a completely different man. Eivind admitted his guilt, his pain, his feelings of distress at knowing what Blue had gone through and that he hadn't been there to stop it. Blue realized in that moment how cruel it was to suggest that all of this needed to happen just so they could be together, how Eivind would never be able to accept that possibility. The wolf's coddling made sense now, the hovering, the overbearing way Eivind snarled and snapped at anyone who came too close to Blue. He was overcompensating. He was doing all he could to protect Blue, his mate, because he hadn't been there. They could spend the rest of their lives together and Eivind might not be able to ever fully forgive himself for not knowing that Blue was just a few miles away from him waiting to die.<br/><br/>A pick ax was hammering away at Blue's skull, making it difficult for him to focus, but he did his best to listen and hang on to every word. It was the most he had said to him since they had met, and he didn't want to miss anything. "I don't think you're a rapist," Blue whispered, feeling the heat in Eivind's voice as he recalled the incident in the shower. "I just got so scared. Alden used to kiss me gently, and whisper sweet things in my ear and I . . . I didn't understand. I didn't know what you were doing and I just freaked."<br/><br/>But Blue's quiet admission that maybe he had overreacted, that perhaps his traumatized mind had caused him to misjudge Eivind's intentions, as clouded and ill-timed as they were, didn't seem to soothe the wolf in the slightest. Blue had hit a nerve, had pushed the wolf into something he didn't quite understand, but now Eivind was speaking with a harsh tone and giving him angry words, and Blue didn't think that he could continue listening without breaking down. The tightness in his chest had transformed into a something sinister, like someone had put a heavy weight on top of him made of confusion and heartache and it was just a matter of time until it smothered him.<br/><br/><i>"Do you think you were my idea of the picture perfect mate?" </i><br/><br/>That one stung like acid, causing Blue to pull himself back as Eivind continued his verbal onslaught. Blue wasn't what Eivind wanted. Blue had never been what Eivind wanted. Blue had done nothing but disrupt Eivind's relatively uneventful life as a wolf, had invaded his home, had caused him to murder Alden . . . No, no, none of that was Blue's fault. He was more clueless about all of this than Eivind was. It wasn't fair for Eivind to say these things. Neither of them had a choice in the matter, didn't they? "That's not fair," Blue said, unable to hold back the tears as they ran down his face in hot, winding streams. "I never asked you to kill Alden. I didn't ask for any of this. I just . . . you calm me, you know? When we were in Lofgren's cabin, and Alaric was draining the infection from me, I don't know what the fuck I would have done if you weren't there holding me. And you saved me from Alden and Lofgren. You saved me from that fucking hell. I would die before I went back. I didn't . . . I didn't ask for you but you came and I can't . . . I don't want you to feel . . ."<br/><br/>No matter how hard he tried, Blue couldn't push the words off of his tongue and into the heavy air between them. They kept getting caught like desperate flopping fish, twisting themselves on the net that hung at the front of his mouth. He wanted to tell Eivind that the connection, whatever it was, wasn't broken. He wanted to tell the wolf that he felt something, deeply, in some dark place where his fingers could just barely reach and his eyes could only just see. There was a space there for Eivind and no one else in this dark hole where nothing else hid. But Blue either didn't know how to say that, or he simply couldn't, and with his beautiful face wrench up in an ugly mask, the boy did something he could have never explained, not with all the languages in the world. He threw himself on Eivind.<br/><br/>His long, skinny arms wrapped around the wolf's shoulders and pulled him in, aggressively smashing their faces together as Blue's lips pressed maddeningly against Eivind's. The wolf tasted just as wonderful as his scent hinted at, clean and crisp, with just a hint of earthiness about him that relayed his lupine nature. The human didn't know what he was doing, he couldn't rationalize it, all he knew was that it felt right, it felt necessary, it felt so perfect and fuck fuck,<i>holy fuck what am I doing?</i><br/><br/>As quickly as Blue had tossed himself against Eivind, he pulled away, his face bright red and wet from the tears. "I'm sorry," he said, his body shaking as he stood, stumbling over to the dresser where the bottle of pain pills sat. "I can't . . . I don't know." He fumbled with the bottle for a moment, unable to get a grip on the child-proof cap with his shuddering hands before finally popping the bottle open and spilling a small handful of pills onto the dresser.<br/><br/>"My head fucking hurts," Blue mumbled, and he grabbed two pills and popped them into his mouth and swallowed a large gulp of water before Eivind could stop him.<br/><br/>Eivind was a werewolf. A fucking werewolf. Werewolves were not nice. They were selfish and cruel and secretive and they only thought about themselves. Eivind was probably better than most of them. Maybe all of them. But he was still a wolf, and Blue was still a human who was supposed to hate wolves with every ounce of his being. He didn't want to be a pawn anymore, and he didn't want to fall in love and be with Eivind forever just because the wolf said they were meant to be. Fucking fairy tales.<br/><br/>So why did he feel like he wanted to return to Eivind and kiss him again? No. No. He couldn't. He wouldn't. Not like this. Never like this.<br/><br/>"I can leave, if you want. I don't . . . I can sleep outside. I used to do it all the time." Blue knew that Eivind would never agree to such a ridiculous idea, but he didn't know what to say or do. He was scared to look at Eivind, to see his face, to know that he may have just made a giant mistake and put ideas into the wolf's head that couldn't come to fruition. This was all so perplexing and painful, Blue debated on whether he should take another pill. Something to get him high so that could forget, or not care, or maybe something to knock him out. He couldn't be scared if he was unconscious.