(THE COMEDIAN AND HIS MUSE, continued)<br/><br/>I'm being cheered and called to do a SECOND ENCORE at Dion's.  It's incredible!  Smiling, I pull my pocket square from my front coat pocket and wipe the sweat from my brow.  There's some bottles of water on the stage for the musicians and I pantomime asking if I may have one.  One of the musicians nods in the affirmative.  I grab one and take a drink.<br/><br/>In it's own way, the water is like the debina, deliciously appreciated.<br/><br/>The Lounge quiets down as I put the bottle of water down and screw on the cap.  I find my second wind and I know that I can make them howl with laughter one more time tonight.  Into the mic, I quote a little Shakespeare to them, "Once more into the breach!  Dear friends, once more!"  The audience loudly applauds!  It energizes me.<br/><br/>I begin, "When I leave here, tonight, unless I get lucky," I want to look at Thalia when I say this, but 'a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell' and I think she knows my mind already anyway.  "I need to go straight home to bed so that I can work at my day job.  It’s my own business, so I’m living the dream of being my own boss and there's some satisfaction in being a boss."  The crowd is smiling in anticipation.  I don't keep them waiting long, saying, "Finally, all of the little voices in my head have something to argue about besides me and I can tell my self-doubts to shut the hell up or they’re fired!"<br/><br/>Again, I have got to come up with some new adjectives on the laughter that the patrons are rewarding me with..., God-like?  Yes!  God-like laughter!<br/><br/>I go on with some build up, "You have before you, the President and only shareholder of L.A.F.R., ‘Laffer’ for short, which is Local Audiences For Rent.  You might ask, how can this possibly be a business?  It’s the business of illusion, like politics and perception."  It's a smart crowd.  They know truth mixed with fantasy when they hear it, but they're still going on the ride.<br/><br/>"Imagine that you are opening a venue of public entertainment or appearing on a stage.  You want to be the place that people want to go or the act that people want to see.  If you can get a great opening review, then the news of how good you are will spread.  The way to do that is Laffer.  You provide the time and location, then I will provide the audience, or a portion thereof."<br/><br/>"Performers just getting started don't know shit.  I didn't," I say.  There are smiles of acknowledgement.  As long as they're listening, then I'm continuing.  "When I first began performing on stage, about ten years ago, I was in a show where the audience was ninety percent people waiting for their turn on the stage and concentrating on what they were going to do, not the performer on the stage.  Thank goodness I’d invited some of my friends to come see me lose my comic virginity."  Good laughs, but not yet raucous guffaws.  "My friends laughed.  They also paid attention to the other performers, laughing and clapping if they were entertained.  And so, my business, Laffer was born."<br/><br/>"It’s an easy job, easier than driving for a ride share company.  You show up on time at a job site, stay there for an hour without being thrown out or arrested and get paid."  More chuckles.<br/><br/>"In show-biz, where you have a lot of people showing up for jobs, it's called a 'cattle call'.  I'm not a big fan of the term 'cattle' because it denies the individual.  Behind their backs, I call my people, cows."  The real laughs get going, partly because of the shock factor and the audacity of it.  I call attention to my former sumo wrestler build and loudly proclaim, "And yes!  It takes a cow to know a cow!"  Now the laughter is shaking the walls.  Show the audience that you can take a hit as well as dish it out.  "Cows are generally mellow and if you go about it rightly, they'll go where you want them to go.<br/><br/>Having explained my rationale and gotten the crowd used to the term, 'cow', I continue.  "The entry level job-titles are cowboys, cowgirls, cowpeople for you non-binary types."  More good full laughs.  "I call them that not because I have this big furry wild west fetish," I turn my head so my left eye is directly facing the audience and I raise that eyebrow archly when I say 'fetish' in an accented manner.   More great laughs and then I resume facing them directly.  "I call them that because they’re like cows and need to be herded by the Wranglers, which is the next promotion up from a cowperson."  The word, 'cowperson' sets off the people who thought it was funny the first time.<br/><br/>"Entry into cow-hood..." I have to pause for more laughter and applause, but I really really don't mind, "is not automatic.  Many times a cow has to act like they’re really enjoying, or being moo-ved by a show."  If I didn't see them smiling as they howled, I would have thought the crowd was in pain.  Maybe they were?  But I continue, "Nothing is more believable than a weeping cow.  Some of my cows have gone on to win awards on Broadway and in Hollywood…."  They are all holding their breath and I reward them with, "But do the cows remember who discovered them?  No!  I am never mentioned in their acceptance speeches!"  God-like laughter fills the Lounge.<br/><br/>I wait for the volume to go down.  I tell them, "If a cow can’t act, then they are taken to a bar to determine what kind of drunk they are.  I don’t hire mean and angry drunken cows, I only hire drunken cows that are happy drunken cows."  I'm thinking maybe the God-like laughter is being piped down to Tartarus, to add to the torment of the wicked.<br/><br/>But back to the story.  "Now that so many states have legalized recreational marijuana use, I’m trying to figure out if I want stoned cows."  This audience belongs to me!  oh, the laughter!  They get control of themselves and I start talking.  "On the plus side, some comics love them because they laugh at everything.  Some venues love them because they order lots of food."  Some knowing nods and chuckles.  "On the minus side, you have to try to keep them sober until they get to the show, some comics hate them because sometimes they’re funnier than the comic on the stage and some venue owners hate them because they just go to sleep and can’t be readily woken up!"  Lots of knowing laughter!<br/><br/>"To be a Laffer Wrangler," I say, "you need a valid driver’s license, a vehicle and be the sober designated driver.  I had one wrangler wanna-be say he could get an audience to a show by multiple trips on a motor scooter.  So sad."  I'm pretty sure that they're imagining some guy on a moped as they laugh.<br/><br/>"Supposedly, the optimum number of subordinates to a leader is five to one.  Therefore, I recommend a vehicle that seats the driver and five passengers."  I love attentive audiences.  They see the hook and they're ready to bite.  "one wrangler was very ambitious and rented a bus.  I think he was herding about twenty or twenty-five.  While getting them off of the bus a nearby car back-fired and the cows stampeded all over him!"  Shock and awe, folks!  When this round of laughter subsides, I finish the paragraph with, "When the paramedics arrived, they just shook their heads.  It wasn’t a pretty sight."  Where has this audience been all of my life?  Duh!  Right here!  I love them.<br/><br/>I proudly state, "My customers are generally quite happy with the audiences that I provide.  Most of my business is with venue owners.  Sometimes comics will pool some money together to hire a receptive audience.  Rarely does a lone and relatively unknown comedian shell out the dough to hire an audience, but it happens."  Here, fishy, fishy, fishy.<br/><br/>I begin the piece's finale, "A fellow comic came to me a day before what he imagined was going to  to be his big break.  All my cows were booked for other shows!  I didn’t have any kind of audience he could rent.  He’s begging me for anything that I can give him.  I say the only way I can get him an audience is to go through the files of my rejects.  He says, 'do it' and lays the cash on the table.  It must be a big venue because there’s enough money there for me to hire fifty.  In a moment of greed, I promise him the audience he wants."<br/><br/>The Lounge patrons are hanging on my every word, "The night of his performance comes and goes and I never see or hear from him again, but later I heard about him....  I found out that this guy’s style of comedy included making fun of the audience and being combative.  If I had known I would have never sent him that audience.  You don’t live long by screwing around and pissing off fifty mean and angry drunken cows!"<br/><br/>The God-like laughter and applause are deafening.  If I hadn't been enjoying it so much I might have thought to make an appointment with an audiologist.  I let it go on for a bit, but not as long as I had before, before I motion the band to join me on the stage.<br/><br/>I speak into the ear of the pianist and he nods in the affirmative.  I'm asking them to play and let me sing a song.  'What?' you say, 'he sings, too?'  Yes, I do.  I'm not a Sinatra or a Bublé, but I got A's in my junior college voice and choir classes, plus a rich baritone.  This is a peace offering to this great audience, because I'm nearly exhausted.<br/><br/>The audience senses that I've given nearly my all and they become quiet for me to speak.  I don't keep them waiting.   "This wonderful band", I say, "is giving me the opportunity to thank you all for being so wonderful and lovely to me tonight."  I pause and look straight into the beautiful deep dark eyes of Thalia and add, "Also, I want to give thanks to Thalia, who I first met in the flesh tonight, but who I have adored all of my life."<br/><br/>I signal the band and they begin to play the music in a relaxed Latin-jazz tempo.  At the right moment, I begin singing an old standard by Fields and Kern:<br/><br/>"Some day, when I'm awfully low<br/>When the world is cold<br/>I will feel a glow just thinking of you<br/>And the way you look tonight<br/><br/>You're lovely, with your smile so warm<br/>And your cheeks so soft<br/>There is nothing for me but to love you<br/>And the way you look tonight<br/><br/>With each word your tenderness grows<br/>Tearing my fears apart<br/>And that laugh that wrinkles your nose<br/>Touches my foolish heart<br/><br/>You're lovely don't you ever change<br/>Keep that breathless charm<br/>Won't you please arrange it<br/>'Cause I love you<br/>Just the way you look tonight<br/>Tonight."<br/><br/>As the last notes fade, the room is silent....<br/><br/><br/>(to be continued....)