Why is my life always about rushing into everything, all the time? I was in such a rush to get out of my small town I figured anything had to be better than where I started. Took up computer science because it was a safe bet and a quick program to finish. New York was a total bust and a waste of ridiculous amounts of money for an education I could have garnered on YouTube, but the nightlife had been amazing when I could sneak away to a spot no one knew me. I’d been too chickenshit to truly make the most of it due to fear of someone I knew finding me out, but with a whole ocean between me and anyone I’ve ever known, I figured I’d have my shot.<br/><br/>On the contrary, I had<b><i>Bollocks</i></b>. What a great word.<br/><br/>I haven’t had a chance to do anything but go to work and go to bed in the month and a half I’ve lived here.<br/><br/>The trains in the UK weren’t too different from New York in the good ways– generally on time (in my experience anyway, lucky me!) Thankfully the difference in the bad weighed in my favor. I really didn’t have to worry about gun violence, or getting pushed into the tracks when I had the audacity to cut the queue so I could get a good spot in the train car. Let me be that rude American if I have to, I guess. I’m not going to lose my job over being too polite. That was the limit to my bravery, though. Did I mention I’m a chickenshit?<br/><br/>For the first week I bounced around from different train cars because holy shit the commuters were territorial! I thought folks were supposed to be polite out here, but in reality they’re just quietly rude. And then there was that one guy who definitely grabbed my ass. Never went back to the rear car after that bullshit. My cowardly behavior came in on my third week of train commuting when I saw, no shit, the most attractive human I’ve ever seen in my damn life. She was tall, curvy, stylish, and just had this aura of Not To Be Fucked With. I don’t even know why I’ve been trying for the last couple of weeks to stand with her. What felt like a dog chasing a car, not knowing what I’d do if I ever caught one. It was hard to get through the crowd, even if I was smaller than most of the commuters. 5’2” and thin, I got teased plenty for being “Top Heavy” from an early age, but it didn’t make me clumsy. Even in the heels I wore I could still sprint to the train station; and sprint I did.<br/><br/>I used my small size and endearing looks to my advantage to weasel my way to the front of the queue to be one of the first people on the train at my station. Even disheveled I knew I had a forgivable face. I caught my reflection in the shop windows while I ran to the train, mentally mother fucking myself the whole way for hitting the Snoozes button the third time. My dark hair was still damp. I ditched the bra instead of wearing one that didn’t suit my outfit so my blue top looked pressed and ready, but my skirt had wrinkled and I hadn’t had time to press it. I felt like a trainwreck, so of course today was the day I actually got what I wanted.<br/><br/>It was a miracle I got to the platform before the train arrived. I really didn’t want to end up in the rear train car, and by luck I didn’t. Even luckier still, that Glamazon looking woman was in her usual spot and there was space near her, as if some invisible barrier kept folks away. I tried not to look thrilled and mentally blamed my warm skin on the run as I wiggled my way through bodies, letting the press of the crowd making their way into the train help propel me forward until I was over in the corner by the doors. I was grateful for the pole I could grab onto since the overhead handholds were just too tall for me. I took my cue from the taller woman and dropped my satchel between my feet rather than have it bump me around. The 15” laptop and extra hard drives were heavy on my shoulder. Once the train started to move and I felt steady on my feet, I took a moment to braid my hair and tried to peek at the woman behind me through the reflection on the doors' windows. The train was especially crowded today which made me feel caged in, but that wasn’t abnormal really.