A new study from Harvard University revealed that the message parents mean to send to children about the value of sympathy  is being mistaken by the message they actually send. In fact they value achievement and happiness above all else. The Making Caring Common Project at Harvard's Graduate School of Education surveyed 10,000 middle and high school students about which is more important to them--achievement, happiness, or caring about others. Almost 80 percent of students placed achievement or happiness over caring about others. Only 20 percent of students considered caring about others as their top aim. In the study "The Children We Mean to Raise: The Real Message Adults Are Sending about Values", the authors refer to a reality gap, an incongruity   between what adults tell children they should value and the message we grown-ups actually send through our behavior. Simply talking about sympathy is not enough. While 96 percent of parents say they want to raise caring children, and cite the development of moral character as "very important, if not essential", 80 percent of the youths surveyed reported that their parents "are more concerned about achievement and happiness than caring about others". Approximately the same percentage of the students reported that their teachers put their achievement over caring. As the report shows, simply talking about sympathy is not enough. Children are sensitive creatures, fully capable of telling the true meanings in the blank spaces between well-organised words. If parents really want to let their kids know that they value care and sympathy, the authors suggest, they must make a real effort to help their children learn to care about other people--even when it's hard, even when it does not make them happy, and yes, even when it is at odds with their personal success. What may be the cause for the reality gap?
Children's failure to understand parents' well-organised words. The generation gap between parents and children. Children's desire for getting individual achievement. Parents' lack of a real effort to guide children.