I became a stand- up comic   at 12:45 yesterday afternoon when I walked onto a comedy club stage and did a "bit". It was an audition   in which people had exactly two minutes each to perform for a producer. I am not a comic, have never appeared onstage, am awkward before many people, and have no social skills. But I have written some funny things in the newspapers, and I figured that if you can write funny, you can be funny. That was my first mistake. Good stand - up comics improve their acts over months if not years, practicing before bathroom mirrors or their friends. I developed the key skill the morning I went on. I also brought a box of plastic beads   , because I figured they could be useful. For the first few seconds, I was simply staring forward, mouth open, expressing the concept:"Uuungh". Finally I said, "This is my first performance as a stand - up comic. It's a kind of a special moment for me. I'd like to take this opportunity to say something to my mother, who was an inspiration   to me throughout my life. My mother passed away a few years ago, but I feel she is still with me. All the time, wherever I go, I feel her presence. Day in and day out. So I would like to say this to her. LEAVE ME ALONE, MA!" Some people actually laughed.  Then I said, "Anyway, this really is my first time onstage, and I'm pretty nervous because I'm not all that funny and I have a really bad stage presence. But I've been working on the problem. A long time ago a Greek guy named Demosthenes had the same problem I have, and he became a great speaker by sticking pebbles   in his mouth, so I thought I would (and here I began putting the beads in my mouth) try that. See, the idea is that if you can talk through the pebbles ( now I was putting them in by the handful) you can learn to talk better and wfnm fmuff frmphm grphnm . . ." More laughter. I looked at my watch, said something that might have sounded like "My time is up," and left to somewhat spirited applause. What the audience did not know was that I was quietly choking   on a slippery bead. What made some people laugh at first?
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