There's sweetness in the lies parents tell their kids, which is a very good thing, since they tell a lot of them. The lies -- nearly all of them harmless -- may differ depending on the family. But from culture to culture, there's one tall tale nearly all parents tell, and they tell it repeatedly: "We do not have a favorite child." Mom and Dad will say it seriously. They'll repeat it endlessly, and in many cases, they'll be lying through their teeth. It's one of the worst kept secrets of family life that all parents have a preferred son or daughter, and the rules for acknowledging it are the same everywhere: The favored kids recognize their status and keep quiet about it -- the better to preserve the good thing they've got going and to keep their siblings  off their back. The unfavored kids howl   about it like wounded cats. And on pain of death, the parents deny it all.  The stonewalling is understandable. Most parents want to spare unfavored kids the hurt that the truth could cause. Moreover, the court of public opinion can respond pitilessly -- even furiously -- to moms or dads who speak the forbidden truth. Last March, a mother of two wrote a post on the website Babble.com under the headline I THINK I LOVE MY SON JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE. The mom went on at length describing the greater warmth she feels for her baby boy compared with her baby girl and even included a photo of herself and her unfavored daughter. She was, predictably, severely criticized. "Please work on your issues lady!" said one typical response. "I feel  ly horrible for your daughter!" read another. But then there was this: "I completely understand. I too feel this way." The hard truth is, most parents do. In one research, Catherine Conger, a professor at the University of California at Davis, studied a group of 384 sibling pairs and their parents and visited them three times over three years. She questioned them about their relationships and videotaped them as they worked through conflicts. Overall, she concluded that 65% of mothers and 70% of fathers exhibited a preference for one child, usually the older one. And the real numbers can be much bigger, since parents try especially hard to hide their preferences when a researcher is watching. If the scientists don't see through the trick, however, kids usually do -- and act accordingly. From the moments they're born, brothers and sisters constantly compete for the precious resource of parental attention, each fighting to establish an identity that will best catch Mom's or Dad's eye. I'm the smartest one! I'm the funny one! It's hard to predict the  _ from favoritism. Being the favorite may improve self-esteem and confidence. But studies show it can also leave kids with a sense of arrogance   and privilege. Unfavored children may grow up wondering if they're somehow unworthy of the love the parents gave generously to the golden child. But they may do better at forming relationships outside the family as a result of that. And there's no telling how the differential treatment will play out among the kids. "My mom didn't like my older sister and did like me," says Roseann Henry, an editor and the married mother of two girls. "Everyone assumed I had it great, except that my sister tortured   me pretty much all the time -- and really, what affects daily life more for a kid, the approval of a parent or the day-to-day torture of an older sister?" Why didn't the data from Catherine Conger's study completely reflect the reality?
Her study didn't last long enough. She studied a very small group of families. The parents tried not to show their preferences. The sibling pairs didn't cooperate well.