 This week Warner Brothers revealed the name and poster for Batman v Superman, Dawn of Justice. The film stars Ben Affleck as an extremely muscular and very sad Batman and Henry Cavill who will be reprising his role as the beautiful Superman. The film doesn't come out until next summer, 2016 is next two years from now. Wait, really? Jesus, that seems like a long f***ing time to wait for this fight. But I think I can give you a fairly definitive idea of who would win right now. Let's start with the suit. Superman wears a regular superhero costume with no special features because he's Superman and he is impervious to damage. Batman on the other hand has a fairly elaborate suit, especially elaborate in the Christopher Nolan films and the Joel Schumacher atrocities. However in the comics it's not nearly as elaborate, mostly just consisting of blue or gray spandex and a fancy utility belt and boots and those gloves with the things on the side, whatever they call those. A notable exception to the costume is the Adam West version from the 1960s Batman which doesn't look particularly useful in any way but does seem comfortable like a pair of cozy pajamas you slip into before knocking out the Joker. So even though Superman's suit is simple and I do love simple things in life, Batman ultimately wins this one if you can forget about the Joel Schumacher suits, particularly the nipples. There's something about an anatomically correct rubber suit that puts fire in a girl's lips. Okay, so what about the disguises? The disguises, well there's really no contest there. Superman, when he wants to not be recognized as an invincible superhero, he takes off his suit, puts on a regular suit and then wears glasses. Batman on the other hand lives a life of opulence and I think hot sex as Bruce Wayne, the billionaire playboy. I'll be honest with you, Superman's disguise is awful and the fact that people in Metropolis don't notice that Clark Kent is Superman suggests that they're all high and drunk. So I think Batman takes this one, though I will say if you're a skilled chin expert, he's gonna be in trouble. You've got to ask yourself who in this battle has a more sympathetic origin story. Batman of course had his parents brutally slain in front of him. Of course we know one thing is for sure, a young Bruce Wayne is kneeling in front of his dead parents, gripping his mother's pearls and crying. Superman basically had a regular childhood and he was raised by regular parents, whereas Batman lived with his butler Alfred and also had a horrible accident where he fell into a bat cave. Although Superman did have his entire planet blown up and everybody he knew or could have known is dead, parts of them floating in space presumably. Also there's that stupid hologram of his father that just appears everywhere. You know what? I feel like this one's a tie. Abilities. I mean this is not even worth talking about. Superman is Superman. He can do anything he wants pretty much. Batman just has some gadgets. On the other hand, if he did have that gun that shoots kryptonite bullets, it could be very effective against Superman. But just because you put bat in front of a regular device doesn't make it any more capable of beating Superman in a fight because Superman is again a superman with alien powers and tremendous strength. So I think I'm gonna give this one to Superman. Let's talk about success rate. Superman seems to fight the same villain a lot, Lex Luthor. Although in the last film, Men of Steel, he did fight General Zod, who's kind of an awesome badass. Target that aircraft. Zod's a cool villain. I'd like to see Zod versus Batman. I'd pay to see that. Anyhow, I feel like Superman wins a lot, you know, because he's a superman and everything. Batman on the other hand does not have a great track record. Yes, he puts a lot of people in Arkham Asylum, but they always seem to break out of Arkham Asylum. I'm gonna give this one to Superman and I'm gonna say Batman maybe start putting people in jail. Let's talk about love life for a second. That might not seem like it matters, but on the battlefield, when you're thinking about what you have to go home to, it might give you that extra juice. Fight juice. Superman is obviously hot and heavy with Lois Lane. I don't know how they have sex. I'd like to get some data on that. I assume he just does it real gently. And I think that's great. She seems like a pretty great gal. She's a journalist. She can't tell that Clark Kent is Superman, so she might be incredibly stupid, but she seems like a nice lady. Batman on the other hand kind of gets into it with a lot of different ladies. Dude might have a STD actually when you think about how many people he's sleeping with. There's Catwoman, Talia al Ghul, Vicki Vale, Rachel Dawes most recently from the Christopher Nolan films. That doesn't end well. It's fairly obvious that Batman gets around more than Superman, but there is something to be said for monogamy. On the other hand, Catwoman is pretty hot. So I'm going to give this one to Batman. Oh, sidekicks. Sidekicks. Superman doesn't have a sidekick because he's a Superman with alien abilities and incredible strength. Batman has Robin who usually either dies or leaves. This is why Superman works alone. I'm going to give this one to Superman. So let's tally up the count. Oh, look at that. It's a dead tie between Batman and Superman. I don't understand why they're even fighting. Why would they be fighting? You think that either one of them would be like, this guy's cool. Like he seems to hate bad people and like, so I'm going to, we're going to just like hang out or whatever, get a beer or something sometime. What would they be? What are they fighting over? Who loves justice more? Is the battle about which one of them is more into justice? I think it might be. It feels to me like maybe this film doesn't end with Batman or Superman winning. Maybe it ends with them realizing that in order to truly do something good, they have to work together to fight the real evil. A very curly haired Lex Luthor played by Jesse Eisenberg. Although he probably will shave his head. So forget I said that.