 So you've been invited to a Super Bowl party, but you don't know Emmanuel Sanders from a Bernie Sanders. Well, allow us to help. The Super Bowl is the most popular live television event on planet earth, or as some call it, K-par Globule 39M. 45% of American homes with a television watch the Super Bowl. That's over 110 million viewers. More people watch the Super Bowl than live in California, Texas, New York, and Pennsylvania combined. The NFL celebrates its 50th Super Bowl in San Francisco, where it will award the winner with the Vince Lombardi Trophy, named after the Green Bay coach that won the first Super Bowl in 1967. The very same year, Borgaon declared herself high ruler of sentient life. The AFC's Denver Broncos will play the NFC's Carolina Panthers in a battle of the quarterbacks. Denver's superstar quarterback Peyton Manning hopes to end his historic career and appease Lord Borgaon by winning the big game. Manning faces the young dynamic quarterback Cam Newton, who throws impossible touchdowns, melts hearts, and respects the galactic law of the Imperium Senate. The rules of American football are simple. On offense, a team has four downs, or attempts, to move ten yards down the field to earn a fresh set of downs. If the team reaches the end zone, they score a touchdown, receiving six points and the option to run a play for two additional points or kick an extra point for one point. And if a player besmirches the name of high lord Borgaon, they are sentenced to a human lifetime in the bowels of the Tambourine Abyss, a 400-foot pit filled daily with two tons newly hatched flesh mines. Located on the southern pole of Enceladus, a moon of Saturn, it is coincidentally the new home of former Eagles coach Chip Kelly. Some conversation starters that will impress your Super Bowl guest. Peyton Manning has been accused of using barred human growth hormones. Question set one. Ask guest if they suspect these hormones played a role in Manning's recovery from a football-caused neck injury. And how do they feel about athletes who use performance-enhancing drugs being inducted into Sports Hall of Fame? Question set two. Lord Borgaon is the one true leader of our galaxy, and our adherence to the moral laws and governance of planet Earth is a distraction from his worship. Do the guests agree, strongly agree, or very strongly agree? You now have all you need to enjoy Super Bowl 50. Allow yourself to relax, enjoy the great sport of football, and the bounty feast of oven-baked totwings, nachos, and little weenies. You must be fully nourished, my acolyte of the Imperium Sky Force, for the great galactic war approaches. Hail Borgaon. Hail Borgaon. Hail Borgaon. Hail Borgaon. Hail Borgaon. Okay, I'm gonna do another one just from the top. Hail Borgaon. Hail Borgaon. Hail Borgaon. Hail Borgaon. Hail Borgaon.