 The roast of Linus Sebastian is fueled by Madrinus Coffee. Get the Linus Tech Tips Vanilla Cold Brew today. And now, please welcome your roastmaster, James Stry! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm James Stry, and tonight is the big night. Welcome to the Madrinus Coffee roast of Linus Sebastian. Tonight, we're here to honor a man who made hundreds of hours of quality educational content five years ago, and has been riding on clickbait ever since. But before we get into it, I'd just like to say, on behalf of all those in attendance tonight and the millions watching at home, **** Colton. **** that guy. Joining me on stage tonight, I have essentially an entire team where every player was picked last. You guys look like the character select screen for that banned Steam game, Active Shooter. You're like a Buzzfeed listicle for famous virgins. Just kidding, you guys. No one here is famous. Bitwit is here tonight playing himself. Kyle also sometimes plays a yellow-faced character named Lyle, who we all feel uncomfortable watching. But it's okay, because Kyle is part Chinese and part douchebag. He was allowed to bring a date tonight, but Paul already had plans, so. Gamers next is Steve. I recognize you now. Sorry about earlier, man. We had a mix-up where I thought Steve was the guy we hired to set up the microphones. Sorry. Man, if you're tech Jesus, we're gonna need more nails. Not to be outdone, Nick Light is here tonight. You may remember him from such roles as the Addams Family's Uncle Fester. And help, my head is a bowling ball! And finally we have a... Wait, who the f*** is that guy? Taron Tong. I'm told you're Linus' old boss or something? You don't look funny at all, man. Guys don't worry, someone will put timestamps in the comments so you can skip all the s***y people. Speaking of s***y people who love segues, Linus is the megalomaniac CEO who pays my salary. Linus is the fast, easy way to regret ever looking up a phone review in the first place. So you can get on with your life, because who the f*** cares anyway? Just head to littlemans syndrome.com and enter code GRINDER in the how did you hear about us section. So thanks for watching guys, because I'm fired now. On a related note, it's a good thing that we're doing this roast now because let's face it, YouTube is a fickle mistress. And now that Linus is over 30, this house of V-cards could collapse at any minute. Which is why I brought these headshots. Call my people. We're going to take a few pokes at Linus tonight, but there's no denying he's an icon that you should probably drag into the recycle bin. Let's take a look at the work that bookmarked him in the first place. Thank you for joining me. That didn't quite go as smoothly as I thought. I pissed off a lot of people, and maybe that makes me kind of an a**hole, but I'm a happy a**hole right now. Let's put the past in the past. After this word from our sponsor. Why not both? Am I being manipulated to join a crusade or is there some kind of agenda? Let's see if I still got this. Activate windows. You could always just bludgeon your opponents over the head when you lose. Isn't that not Riley? Are you sure? I knew it. Hey! Are you pranking me right now? My sister had some spare pregnancy tests and I was like, oh, well, let's try. Why didn't you get tested when I asked you? Uh, you know you want this ride. Oh! Hey there, sexy. I would like to spend some time with you tonight. We are going out to purchase some adult sex. It's all about the butt. Do you wanna start bouncing then? I'm gonna start bouncing it, baby. Was I wrong when I said she's a thick girl? No! Prepare for some lube to go everywhere. Oh my God. It's full of pubes! I'm a little nervous too, baby. I've never done anything like this before. Oh my God, it's hot! Turn that camera off, let's go! And through all that time, he never changed his hairstyle, his wardrobe, or his earrings. He's like a less successful backstreet boy. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the only incel I know who's married, the West Coast Shilla, Linus Sebesky! Sebesky! Oh wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I thought of everything, buddy. Oh. You don't want this? Okay. Well, I noticed your feet are dangling already, so. Wow. Finally, I get to roast Linus! Sorry guys, Linus gave me some hosting tips for the show, but I just can't do it. Anyway, what's with all the signing, man? Your audience isn't deaf, they just wish they were. Is there anyone who doesn't watch Linus' videos with a playback speed cranked to 2x? Seriously, dude, the only thing slower than your presentation style is Nick's metabolism. Oh! Oh! I'm surprised to see you in your regular uniform tonight. I guess your father's suit section of Valley Village must have been picked dry. Linus has three beautiful children, but I think they must have been test tube babies or something, because there's no f***ing way this guy's not a virgin. I know, I'm as disappointed as anyone that this guy was able to breed at all, but apparently he's fixed now. He says he got a vasectomy, but I think they just cut his balls right off. Oh, oof. Oof! The imagery. Lately, Linus has been trying to figure out what to do next. He tried to break into acting, but he got frustrated because he kept getting typecast as a eunuch. Seriously though, I gotta hand it to you and the team for making it this far though, because your early videos have all the production quality of an R. Kelly sex tape. Ooh. But with more potty humor. It's a slow burn. More recently, Linus has been criticized for the ridiculous faces that he wears in the thumbnail images, but I don't think he can help it. In fact, Yvonne told me that he makes the same faces in bed. When she pegs him. Linus definitely has some baggage from high school. And I think that's why he liked badminton. He can avoid the trauma of a team locker room while still getting to bat cocks around all night. But his deepest insecurity is that even though he's built one of the largest tech channels in the world, the industry still treats him just like his classmates did. You can't play with our toys before lunch. You're not invited to our annual party. And if you want to play seven minutes in heaven, eventually you have to come out of the closet. All right, it's time for me to shut up and get to our first roaster, Kyle Hansen. Kyle's channel used to be called Awesome Sauce. Many people don't know that this was actually his dad's nickname for him from way back before he was born. And who could have predicted his son to become famous for taking a sticky load in the eye? Oh my goodness. Though I think he gets that from his mother's side. Please welcome, Bitwitch. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for that introduction, James. And impressive work, by the way. I actually didn't think Linus could sound any stupider until you started writing for LMG. Whoa! Okay. You're laughing too hard. Good evening. It's good to be here. And by here, I mean not sitting next to you assholes anymore. Fuck all of you. Hi, Jay. Jay, I know you're probably too embarrassed to ask, so I'll help you out. Linus, do you have any offer coats for hair dye? Jay will be in touch. He probably does. You're looking good, though, Jay. You know, I think it's cute how you show off your little sports cars. Must be nice to actually fit in them now. Just honest question. Do you just name your cars after girls Fat Jay never got to ride? Oh! Because if so, you're going to need a lot more cars, man. One of the most impressive things Jay's ever done is his Post Malone build. You can really see how much hard work and talent goes into making something so precisely ugly. When Post Malone stands next to that PC, you don't even see his face tats. That build took so long to launch, you should have named it Flowplane. Oh! There he goes. Hi, Luke. Hey, man. Man, you look like you've had less sleep than Emperor Palpatine. Still, I get aroused every time I see your face, because it looks like a vagina from the 70s. I also love how your professional and personal relationship with Linus is the same. He's the front end, you're the back end. It's beautiful. But seriously, building a website on that scale must be a tediously grueling process. Kind of like watching a Gamers Nexus video. Oh! Steve puts a lot of effort into his work. You can't tell, but he's a great person. Steve puts a lot of effort into his work. You can't tell, but he's benchmarking a video card right now. I'm guessing it's up his ass, and that's why he's always angry. I love all your YouTube rants, Steve. Did you make one when Metallica kicked you out of the band? Steve is known in the community as Tech Jesus. But at least people believe in Jesus, you corporate f***ing shill. By the way, I didn't bring my twin brother Lyle here tonight, because I didn't think anyone would understand him. But it turns out Dennis is here. Yay! Oh, Dennis. I think it's cool that during the bird box challenge you didn't need a blindfold, you just smiled. Colton? Why are you down there? I thought they put you up here with us. Like, you need to be any lower to the ground? I'm actually kind of surprised to see you here. I'm pretty sure Colton hasn't been fired yet, because LMG has a height requirement for termination. Kind of ironic, isn't it, Linus? But Colton, I've always thought you'd make a great pedophile, because you blend in with children. It's a feature. So I've known Linus for, let's see, too long. And what I've learned is Linus will monetize anything that moves. I remember we did karaoke with him once, and he picked a song from The Lion King. I'm pretty sure that was just a Disney ad. You realize you're sandwiched between ads in every video, right? Like, if you ever left YouTube for Pornhub, you'd have Dbrand in your ass and honey in your mouth. Hey, it tastes better than you'd think. I don't think your wife even knows that. By the way, your earring's called. They want the lesbian you stole them from back. In case you didn't know, lesbian is an abbreviation for Linus Sebastian. Call her unlucky, but at least Helen Keller never had to see your face or hear your voice. Linus' voice is proof that his balls are the only two things he hasn't dropped yet. Then again, it's what made you internet famous. I really loved your role as the 56K modem. We all showed up to Linus' roast tonight, but we'd never go to his birthday party because he's a workaholic. The invitation would say, come celebrate Linus' birthday, Monday, 9 to 5. Free cake, sponsored by Savage Jerky. Your funeral would be more fun. Alright. Which reminds me, when's the funeral for Channel Superfun happening? That must have been fun though, right? Making videos of you pretending that you had friends. Because you clearly never had any in school. That's why when you grew up, you had to hire 30 of them. You guys have really come a long way though. I remember when the profile picture for the LTT channel was Linus dressed up and posing as Steve Jobs. Remember that? Total douchebag move, but it still looks better than your new logo. You and Steve Jobs do have a lot in common though, Linus. May you live as long as he did. Jokes aside, man, you're alright in my book. You've been an inspiration over the years, and it's an honor to share the stage with you tonight. Thanks for having me. The Roast of Linus Sebastian is fueled by Madrinas Coffee. Get the Linus Tech Tips Vanilla Cold Brew today. Coming up, Luc LaFrenier, Steve Burke, Ivan Ho, and Linus himself. Oh, I think there's no one who deserves this more than me. Tired of all the f***ing beeps? Well now you can watch the Roast of Linus Sebastian completely uncensored and get early access to other Linus Tech Tips content at Floplane.com. To me, our next roaster, Luc LaFrenier, is like a shapeshifter who can morph to perfectly match his job title. He used to play the hunky co-host, now he plays the basement dwelling software dev. Man, you look like if Luc ate Luc. Or if Philip Seymour Hoffman was playing Luc. You know what, I like that comparison. Because these days, the two of you get about the same amount of camera time. I don't know who that is. He's dead. Please welcome, heir to the Duck Dynasty fortune, Luc LaFrenier. Get him, Luc. James, you're a d***. That's all you get. I don't think you're worth any more time. Taron Tong, why the f*** are you here? I knew you from before, but do you guys even know who he is? I thought Roast Roaster was supposed to be made up of recognizable people. I think the rest of the people are here, at the very least. For some background, Taron works at Corsair. You guys know Corsair, they have a logo that looks like a pirate ship. He used to work with Linus at NCX. I think they might have had a logo one time that looked like a sinking ship. Not entirely, sir. And like any Foundering vessel, the rats will always get out first. That's a smart way to do it. Colton. Technically I left too, so I don't know what that means. Colton, Nick, thank you for inviting me. I know Colton isn't up here anymore, he got kicked, just like in every other situation. This, everyone, is the kind of reward that you get for charitable work. See, I handed both of these two high school degenerates the only thing they were ever successful at. It's nice to see something in return. Also, Colton, you still owe me for that computer, buddy. Hit me up. I'm going to start Linus's section with a moment of silence. That wasn't irrespective of anything. That was a gift to all of you. It's probably the only silence you will ever have with Linus in the room. This never shuts up. I've actually had to get used to giving gifts of no monetary value like that one, because Linus, in all his generosity and fairness, paid me below minimum wage for a really long time, actually. The whole time I knew Taron. Interesting. It's kind of true. I had to budget about $3 a day for food, and I slept on a friend's couch while we turned his little side gig into the monster YouTube channel it is today. He's kind of like Darth Vader, but more like Darth Helmet, or Dark Helmet, technically, from Spaceballs, due to his overall stature. He wouldn't really fit in the suit. Watching him get mad is horrible, because he's got a lot of power, like Vader. He's your boss. He can fire you, unlike Vader, who would kill you. Watching him get frustrated, however, is quite hilarious. I think we actually got a little taste of that earlier on the big screen. He's just a hyper-energized little chihuahua. It's crazy. It's too funny. It's really hard to keep it in sometimes. You spend the whole first movie thinking Darth Vader is the biggest, baddest, scariest force in the universe, and then you meet Emperor Vaughn, the one who's really in charge. And I don't just mean at work, by the way. I lived with him for a while. Make no mistake, she's the boss. No question. 100%. I'm even pretty sure she force-chokes him in bed. You couldn't hear anything, could you? I lived across the hall, buddy. I know it went down. Actually, Nick, you kind of look like Darth Vader, but just when he takes the helmet off, you just need a sleep apnea machine to get the... Then it's... You got it. 100% down. The problem with making fun of Linus for being short or weak or having shitty hair or a super high-pitched voice, etc., is that there's nothing wrong with those things. So I wasn't going to go that angle. He can't change that stuff. What he could change is being a terrible person. But it's just not going to happen. One time, we were hiking the second tallest mountain in the continent. He knows where this is going. It's so interesting. Anyways, it also happens to have lightning storms on it after 2 p.m. and we're doing it for a LAN party. Totally makes sense. Welcome to Linus Media Group. We were flown in the last minute to save him some money, so we had no time to acclimate to the altitude because, you know, sacrifice to stormtroopers, I guess. And as I'm about twice as tall as he is and consume a lot more oxygen with my grown man lungs, I got altitude sickness pretty quickly. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is my turn. Brandon, wherever he is, thank you for coming. I'm not dissing Brandon. Brandon's lovely. He was carrying about 45 to 50 pounds of gear on his back the entire time. I'm gasping away like Nick on a StairMaster. And where's Linus? Linus abandons us to get signatures from a witness while we potentially die. Lightning strikes are landing all around us, right in front of us. I'm literally carrying someone on my shoulder as we barely hobble out in time. Before freaking God himself strikes us down. Linus is just relaxing in the car, filming me as I come down. It was great. It was wonderful. You might be wondering, he left you to die. Why not quit after that? See, his ego is so massive that his main hiring technique is gravitational pull. And I mean that physically, like he actually pulls people in. So few people have quit Linus Media Group not because they didn't want to leave, because they haven't been able to muster up the escape velocity to actually get out. Now when talking about people that have a God complex, it's usually a little bit more hypothetical. He wants to write a book about himself. And beyond the potential book DLC and like subscription model, and however else he's going to figure out how to monetize it, it's just we, at this point, like sure people are going to be interested. People will talk about it for a long time. But we don't need the mine conf of YouTube. It's just completely unnecessary. Just not need to be one of those. I'm expecting chapters like how to create an aquarium where you are absolutely the biggest fish. Getting bullied the early years. How to sacrifice human life for fun and monetization. And Asian chicks, actually super approachable. Well Al over here got a vasectomy, no big deal, smart move. Unlike anyone else, I'm not going to make fun of that. But he did seem to really like the fact that he got recognized. He mentioned on TechWiki, he mentioned on WAN Show, it seemed like a big deal. I do think he really liked the fact that someone that watches videos touched his dick. It's just a new way of going about things. And by the way, I do believe the doctor was excited. I think he was actually quite into it. But I do think that everyone that watches your content would just generally love to see you sterilized. I think that's more what that was about. On the topic of everyone, why is your panel mostly made up of your employees? Because they're easy targets or like no one else show up? You know they're my only friends. To be fair, I'm assuming Austin, Marques, Justine and the like would probably rather do anything on a Friday than hang out with you considering you have no friends. Thank you for delivering my final line. You had to insert yourself and steal one more thing. Why do you have to make everything so damn difficult? Like this roast, for instance, I had about a month to prepare for this. I had a very long time to prepare for this. But he's actually an incredibly difficult person to make fun of for things that actually matter. I had an insanely hard time with that. Even then I had to crutch on Star Wars references, which I think was almost half of it. And just straight up embellishment for a lot of the other ones, which I'm probably going to hear about later. The truth is since the first day we've met, you've always had my back through every failure, every success imaginable, both personally and professionally. No matter how many jokes are made about your height at this event, to me you're a giant. And I've stood on your shoulders for years. I'm proud that after eight years we're still working together. And it's an honor to call you my friend. Our next roaster has some glorious hair. Steve, you ever think about donating it? Actually, I'm picturing you bald now and you might end up just looking like Nick. Give it up for Steve Burke. Thanks for the introduction, James. Organizing a roast like this is really one hell of an accomplishment. If you could get anyone on this stage other than the cast of attention-whoring minor celebrities. Good job, really. I tried. I have no idea who convinced Madrinus that literally just the word roast, that's it, was enough to make this into an advertisement. But nothing says Linus Tech Tips more than shoehorning content into an ad. What's next, Linus? A barbecue sponsored by Intel CPUs? A persecution complex sponsored by AMD fans? I didn't mention Nvidia because I am contractually obligated to not mention LTT's parent company. It's always great to see my mortal enemy, Jay. How's it going, Jay? Probably asked Kinpin to write your jokes tonight. It's amazing that Jay found the time to be here between celebrity PC builds and forfeiting overclocking battles. The guy works seriously hard. I've never seen anyone take a year to build a computer quite like Jay. Post Malone's lucky he got that thing before he died of liver failure. It's also good to see my friend Kyle here tonight. Kyle, I'm glad to see you're not busy phoning in yet another video from your car. I don't know who will be happier when you're in a fatal car accident, Wal-Mart or The Verge? At least Lyle won't be held back anymore. Linus, finally get to you. I know you've been waiting all night. I'm surprised to see you smile so much tonight. Honestly, it's amazing. It's a medical miracle that your face isn't permanently stuck in your clickbait thumbnail pose. How does it go? Is it like, would you show me? You've got to hold it a little longer. Oh, I'm sorry. Take the picture. So there's an old myth that having your photo taken would suck out your soul. Based on what we've seen of you, I think they were probably right. Speaking of soul sucking experiences, there are none more depressing than watching Linus, a 32 year old man, try to promote a $700 vacuum cleaner to his 13 year old audience. I don't know what costs less, your sandals or your integrity? It could be worse. At least you're not Austin Evans. Hey guys, this is Austin and this is paying my bills this month. Linus, it's really helpful to have you in the industry. Sincerely, I mean that. It just, it makes the rest of us look so good. I still remember when you tried to show the internal case thermals, Linus, through a tempered glass panel with a thermal camera. You can't do that. There's reflectivity issues, there's emissivity issues. This isn't a joke. It just really bothered me. I just did it for about four years now, so you know. I just want you to remember what it feels like to care about your job. That was Luke's idea. Still friends? Speaking of unfunny things, how's channel super fun doing? Or did it die with your passion for computer hardware? That's not true. Linus still has plenty of passion. He shows it mostly when working on projects he really loves, like stealing washed up hosts from dying channels, Riley. Or creating scandals by misidentifying tampons. But it's all about the engagement. Isn't that right, Linus? Sincerely though, Linus, even though you peaked seven years ago when you reviewed a toy firetruck, we really appreciate having you in this industry. You bring a lot of newcomers into this space. It's extremely healthy, I think, for the rest of the industry, and we are happy to have you in it. I respect everything you've done and everyone on this stage, except for James. Thank you. How many more are left? God. Buckle up, buddy. Next up we've got Linus' wife, Yvonne Ho, or as I like to call her, Linus' excuse to be racist. Yvonne works with Linus, so during the height of Me Too, I was constantly refreshing my news feed, because I figured Linus is a powerful guy, and frankly there's just no way that anyone could sense having sex with him. She didn't change her name because she's a ho for show. Please welcome to the stage the one who wears the pants and the strap-on in the relationship, Yvonne Ho. Wow, okay. All right, thanks for that introduction. That was James, everybody. But don't clap for him. He doesn't deserve it. He's actually going on paternity leave soon. Thank goodness. I hope he never comes back. James. That's a plan. Imagine all the whining and the burping and the farping. Farping. That we won't have to deal with in the office anymore. Anyway, sorry, excuse me. I'm just trying to look out into the audience, but I'm a little distracted by Nick's bald spot there. It's like a freaking beacon. You could use the shine off your forehead to like guide ships home from the sea. Can you just tilt your head up a little bit? Yeah, thank you. That's better. I don't know if that's a better look for him. Anyway, yes, I am Linus' wife. And yes, Linus has a wife. We've been together 14 years too long and have three kids. I used to tell people that I actually had four kids because Linus is a bit of a late bloomer. But I guess I should have expected that from someone who peed his bed until he was 15 years old. I told you that in confidence. You invited me to your roast. You told me it was a trust building exercise. Anyway, we're still waiting to see if his voice will ever pass the puberty stage. Now, a lot of people actually think that I married Linus for his money. But when I met Linus, I was studying pharmacy on my way to a six figure income. And he was flunking out of school, jobless, and had horrible pink hair. Pink. It was gelled the same as it is now too. I think he spikes it to look taller because I can't think of any other reason why he would do it. We all know it doesn't look good. He actually didn't drop out of school until he made me promise to take care of him. Huge red plague, ladies. But it wasn't the financial dependency or lack of prospects that worried my mom. No, she pulled me aside and was like, honey, he's really short. If you're wondering how romantic Linus is, you obviously have never met him. And you probably know nothing about him. But his idea of romance is taking me out to Red Robin and reading me a story called Everybody Poops. And lighting a scented candle while I sit and watch him play video games. She told me that was true. That's all true. That's true. That just happened last week. A lot of people ask me why I married Linus. Yeah, a lot of people wonder that. It's good that I married him before he got famous, though, right? Otherwise, I'd have to compete with all these fans out there. Just kidding. You only attract men. After we got married, though, Linus did what a typical guy would do. He asked me to have a threesome. Well, waking up in the middle of the night to find Dennis in our bed in Vegas really wasn't what I had in mind. This is also a true story. I'm sorry, Dennis. There were budget constraints. I'm sorry, Dennis, but ugly really isn't my type. Oh, what? I thought you were a hoe. I'm just kidding. You're beautiful on the outside. A lot of people have a problem with Dennis's accent, but I don't. I say, keep practicing, and eventually, one day, you'll say something intelligent. A lot of people don't know that I actually started this company with Linus and even helped him in the NCIX days, but he just took credit for all my ideas and my labor. And not only that, but he made jokes about paying me with sexual favors. Linus, so naive. Men like you don't pay with sex. They pay for sex. Speaking of taking credit for other people's ideas, though, Bitwick Kyle is here. And when it comes to running his YouTube channel, I'm not sure he's ever had an original thought. He's copied us every step of the way. He even hired his wife to help. That's our awesome sauce. We're not mad that you copy us, though. It's okay. You shouldn't feel bad. Steve copies us, too. He's got the bad fashion and somehow even worse hair. Kudos for doing something better than us, though. Oh, not fair. I want my conditioner back. Smells too good. And Jay, you're actually one of the people I follow on Twitter. I really like some of your colorful rants. But I just want to share some advice that I'm always giving Linus. Acting like a giant dick doesn't make yours any bigger. Speaking of size, back when I was pregnant with my third child, I thought Luke might be, too. He's been making me in the last nine months, though, so I don't know. Sorry, Luke. Luke actually used to live with us when we started LMG. He was really messy. When he moved out, he left the biggest, grossest stand on the floor. In the room now, we have our two-year-old son and boy, it's nice to have someone who's actually potty trained. He bought his own place now, though. Huge congrats. It was an estate sale, meaning he bought it from a dead guy. But he's so cheap that he took the dead guy's couch, his chairs, his cutlery, even the dead guy's bed. That's true. That's a great deal. It's an amazing deal. All jokes aside, though, the dead guy's stuff is a huge upgrade. People ask, why does LMG have so many people? It's so Linus can have friends. When he wanted to go on vacation last year, he paid for 20 other people to go and called it a mandatory company retreat. Some of you might not know, but Linus is actually really concerned about getting dad bod. But, hon, you don't spend enough time with the kids to qualify for that. Real talk. That was pretty deep. Now, I haven't actually been with many other people, or actually any other people besides Linus, and that's probably for the best because I may be more disappointed. And I say more disappointed because I do have fingers. One finger. On summer nights, Linus gets so sweaty that he soaks the whole bed. And it's basically the only time he makes me wet. Who is this lady? Yeah, jokes on you. 15 wasn't the last time. In all seriousness, though, you know I love you. You know I think you're wonderful. You're my best friend. You're my business partner. Love of my life. Thanks for letting us poke fun at you. The roast of Linus Sebastian is fueled by Madrinas coffee. Get the Linus Tech Tips Vanilla Cold Brew today. Still to come, Dennis Liao. What we're saying tonight is not just a joke. Jays Two Cents and Riley Murdock. I don't like roasting people. Why can't we all be friends? Keep the fire burning with the limited edition Madrinas roast T-shirt, available exclusively at LTTstore.com. Our next roaster has no idea where he is or what's happening. Dennis Liao is really popular on a site called ratedrivers.ca. Seriously, I tried to punch in his plate number before this event, and the whole site just crashed. You think I'm being racist, but I'm not making this up. Here's my favorite comment. This is real. After having an altercation at a red light with this Asian, he almost ran some people over because he was texting and driving. That's not true. Dennis. For the record, Dennis, I don't think you were texting. You're probably taking a dick pic. Put your hands together for Dennis Liao. Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm working with a bunch of assholes. Okay, it's my turn. Look at these people. Oh, look, I haven't seen you for a while. You've been living good, living big. Know why it's called Float Plan? Because it will never sink. Wait till look in on that. Why are you laughing? Nick light? As if you're lying. Kyle and Yvonne, all these white people thought we Asians look all the same, but I can tell you the difference. You are ugly. James, James, he loves recycling. At work, he always tells people what to recycle, what to put there, and he gets all pissed about it. He literally gets boner for recycling, and he even uses recycled condoms, and that's why his wife is pregnant. I'm happy for you, though. I guess everyone at work, there's always one guy always coming to work, so energetic, smiling on the fucking Monday morning and saying like, Oh, hey, good morning, how's your day? And this person is Riley. But I've been an asshole because my eyes are half open, like always, as if I really like working here. And Riley is just always so happy. I hate responding to his good morning, so here is good fucking morning. This is kind of sad. Linus, you lost your two cats. Have you found them? No. Have you checked Iman's lunch bag? Share it with me. Share it with me and Yami. Is that where the jacket came from? One of them. Well, we have to big thanks to Madrina's Coffee. They make this event happen. But why the fuck would you print with Lambo? You know that's not real, right? It's been demolished. Good luck. Okay, let's start. Oh, I'm not even using this. What? Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Okay, so let's start with something positive. Linus, he's a good guy. He always keeps his promises and he will take his word. One of his favorite things is firing people. But, Kodin, why the fuck are you still here? Linus is so bad at acting. I'm so happy you never pursue your acting career. If you ever think of going on a red carpet, going to an Oscar, this is the closest you can get. There's a well-known rumor that Linus is gay. Well, it might be true. A gay virgin. I mean, I don't think no one in the gay community would fuck something like this. I mean, I would rather fuck Luke, James, Riley, David, camera 3. All the sales team except Kodin, the contractor who built a kitchen set. But not Steve. He looks too much like a woman from the back. And Jay, I'm not into daddies. So, Yvonne, I can promise you that your marriage is secure. Speaking of secure, Linus is insecure. Why? Ever since Linus got his vexatomy, he's been so insecure. He's always carrying this fucking orange screwdriver around and put it in his pocket so he has a big boat to walk around. Come on, Linus. Nice try. In fairness, I've been carrying that for 10 years. Oh, do you get vexatomy that early? It doesn't make it better. Linus is like an annoying, irritating, smelly bitchy short, bad breath, white, talented, talentless, ugly, pretty-eyed, girl-boy step that you never wanted, except for his money. Which he never gives you anyway. He is so fucking cheap. He would bring us out for dinner, but he would never pay for drinks. Not even anything. So, Linus, besides screwdriver, is there any coupons in your pocket? Oh, you know what's in my pocket? Oh, 10 yen. Oh, I got this 10 yen from my Coca-Cola refill. Here it is. You take it. Linus, you owe me an apology. You know why? Because I'm not interested in your tech videos. I'm not interested in your CPU, GPU, fuck you, any of you. It's like editing your videos. Having a thick knife like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Only my eyes. What the fuck. It's also I'm like a talented caring nurse and all I do was wiping asses. It's all shit. Your bill guy works. This one time, watching a bill guy, I did try to build a computer. I finished up before I drop it. I looked down, why the fuck am I wearing sandals and socks? Well, Linus, you are a nice person. I'm really thankful that you paint my wall. Even I broke your ceiling. Thank you. Our next roaster has got to be the oldest guy in the room. If Linus is tech dad, Jay is tech grandpa. If Steve is tech Jesus, Jay is tech Methuselah. I'm trying to express myself here. If Linus is at the height of his career, Jay's dead. Linus and Jay, you guys should really do more collaborations though because you guys are actually a pretty good team. Jay has the temperament of a child and Linus has the body of a child. Put them together, you get one complete grown ass man. Make some noise for perhaps the first creator eligible for YouTube's retirement pension beta, Jay's two cents. Okay. We're here to obviously hang out with someone who's got a face for radio and a voice worthy of mute. I am of course talking about Linus Sebastian, but before that, we've got a few people here that we need to go ahead and address in the room. Kyle, I want to congratulate you on the dream of home ownership. Big boy cars, big boy clothes. Why don't you buy a fucking brush? Seriously. I am sick and tired of watching your videos and see that you're just like, I've got the messy thing going. I mean, you're one fanny pack away from fucking hipster of the year. Okay. Luke, I like you better without the beard. Seriously. You look like a fucking unshaved vagina. There's two of those. That is two. And I was pissed when James said it. Because had you shaved, I'd realize you just looked like a shaved vagina. So there's that. You're okay with that? Steve. What's up? We talked recently about we don't watch each other's videos because we're too busy. Until recently, I found out yours are the perfect solution for insomnia. They're so fucking boring. I cannot make it past the intro. Like I never see the ad because I don't make it that far. Dennis. Hi. I have no idea what you said in that last. I just laughed. I'm sorry. I've been to the studio. I've watched some I have no idea what you're saying. And when I go to Taiwan, it's like I'm in the land of dentists. I have no idea what the fuck is happening. Seriously. But you're sweet and yeah, just smiling on. Riley, I don't know you. I've seen you. You're pretty much as white girl as it gets for being a dude. And when NCIX tech tips went under, I was like, yes, I don't have to see this anymore. And then Linus hired you. Yes. So yeah, whatever. No. James. We went back and forth on this. I didn't know how deep I should go. How hard should I go? I didn't know. And he was like, okay, your set's okay. It's a good start. But we really want to see a verbatim script. We use a different system where I come from. It's called talent. So I'm kind of clicking the thing. But I'm not really looking at it. I'm looking at you. Because we don't need that. But if it makes you feel better, I'll keep clicking the button. So Linus, I'm happy to see nobody held back. Because I was concerned, really, honestly. But who should have held back was your dad. Why he was nailing your mom. I'm just saying. Linus literally looks like a sock puppet without the hand. I mean, look at it. Look at this face. There's a hand in there. Yeah, the hand is in the other end. But, you know, whatever. There's something to be said about a man who only wears his own brand, though. No. Right? I mean, think about it. You're so f**king conceited. You have to brand. I'm surprised you haven't sold the sweater and started putting sponsors and stuff on that. And don't use that idea because I'm probably going to do it myself. But in terms of looks and stuff, though, I mean, you can't really help that. You can't help the fact that you look like a skeleton wearing wax paper for skin. Maybe by comparison. Yeah. I got a few extra pounds. But, you know, at least I can lift more than five pounds. So there's that. Look at those wrists. We've all seen those screaming goat videos, though, right? I mean, literally, that's what I hear when one of your videos come on. I don't know. Yvonne, what the f**k? Look, I used to think, okay, Linus, he's got a good business. I knew you were going to pharmacy school and all that sort of stuff. And I thought, okay, well, maybe she realized, like, this is a white guy going somewhere. It'll work. You just said none of that had anything to do with it. You married him when he was a deadbeat or you got with him when he was a deadbeat. You had to take care of him. You were the one going somewhere. He has a small dick. What is wrong with you? I don't get it. I don't get it. But it's okay. Linus can't control things like a stature or his voice, but he can control his f**king fashion sense. So I'm off the cards now, guys. Sorry. So anyway, we recently were at Austin Evans' wedding. And somehow, I don't know how this happened. We got into the conversation about sock quality. I wish this were a joke. We're sitting there in line waiting to get into the reception. And he goes on about, like, champion sucks, you know, whatever. This brand's good. This brand's bad. I wear them out in badminton. I mean, never thought I'd have a conversation with someone talking about sock quality while playing badminton. But this guy, for like 15 minutes, went on and found a brand that costs a little more but has a lifetime warranty. I realized he knows more about socks than anything tech-related. Oh! Yeah, 1997 called. It wants its hearing backs, apparently with the lesbian from earlier. I don't know, something like that. But Linus is cheap. He told me, too, he only goes to places that he can get all-you-can-drink iced tea. Apparently, that's a thing. He told me once he drank so much iced tea that they double-charged him. And when he called him out on that, he drank more than apparently all you can drink because he's out into iced tea. But speaking of drinks, he drinks Madrinas. You don't even drink coffee. He will put his name on anything with a dollar sign behind it. And this is evidence of that. He recently showed in a sponsor spot in one of his live streams that he didn't even know how to f***ing make it. And then he said that if he drank coffee, he assumes it tastes all right. So if there was a... If you want to talk about shilling, people who are willing to put their name behind anything, this is it. Literally. Right here. I mean, I was thinking, you know, it's nice of Linus to pay for all of us to come up here, and then I realized Linus isn't paying for sh***. Linus isn't paying for this. If there's ever been any more overwhelming proof, though, that Linus will shill, it's literally this event right here. But, you know, talking about shilling, and that kind of segues into the whole concept of you have a big team, you need the sponsor spots to help keep everything afloat, because there's big overhead, there's big expenses. You did a live stream recently from your phone talking about every year, you kind of have to address this topic. Why is LMG so big? Why is so much staff? It's because it takes 27 people to lift your f***ing ego. But if there's anything I've ever learned about small, limp dick, terrible-haired, earring-wearing, sock-warrantying, sellout like Linus is that anybody can literally make your dream come true as long as you're willing to pay people to make you look like you know what you're doing. Linus, and all seriously, though, I appreciate you. You showed me that even with a voice like yours, you can go somewhere online. So, a huge thank you. I respect you and everything that you do. Thank you and thanks for inviting me here. I know Linus cares about the environment because he uses recycled hosts. Riley Murdoch, you were definitely raising a call to sack, hey? I was. If God's a software developer, you're his MVP. Minimum viable personality. Please welcome the product of hitting go on a basic white guy generator, Riley Murdoch. Hey! Thank you, James. You've said some mean things about me, but I know he's joking because this is a roast. Normally, it's kind of hard to tell because his face looks like he just stepped in dog s**t. Yeah, some people have resting s**t face. James has resting serial killer face. But it's actually a trick because he's actually really got a soft heart. He's an environmentalist. He single-handedly started the recycling program that we have at LMG. He's a vegetarian, you know. He loves the world, just not the people on it. I bet he would love, actually, if half the population got wiped out like today just to see less trash in the landfills. Oh, he's not even there. He's scared. I have to sit here and take it. I was going to call him a sick eco-conscious b*****d. There he is. I don't value opinions. Yeah, well that actually works right and really well into my next joke. He's basically Thanos, you know. Legitimate, interesting character, complex motivations, but at the end of the day, he's just a big purple d**k. See me, I love the world. I love that we have so many wonderful roasters here. Steve Burke from Gamers Nexus. Steve is a critical thinker, a gentleman, and a scholar, but you wouldn't guess it because he looks like a Cro-Magnon man. Not many people know this. Steve is actually a bit of a scientific marvel. Yeah, he was conceived in a lab using ancient sperm trapped in amber. Oh, maybe that's why you couldn't convince the Verge you're a real journalist. Me Steve, me expose intel scandal. Intel scandal. Blow lid off whole thing. It's just not going to happen, man. Why can't you get it through your hair? Luke LaFrenier is here tonight. Is that how you say your name? I don't know. I think so. Luke's old nickname was Slick, but I could never really bring myself to call him that when his wardrobe consists entirely of shirts that he can get for free at PAX. Or at work. Or at work. But don't get me wrong, I appreciate the aesthetic you've curated. You know, you look very happy, very contented. You've just finished your third Hungry Man TV dinner. Put them on the box. People say Luke and I look related, and you know, maybe it's true, you know. Maybe we're triplets. Luke ate the other one. Dennis Lau is here, everybody. He's the main editor for TechLink, the new show that I write and host. And he's also a magnificent angel. Look at him. I know this is a roast. I know he said some mean things about me, but could you ever say something nasty about such a pure spirit? Look at him. He's like a delicate forest sprite. A being of light and perfect goodness. Oh, Dennis. Can we get Dennis anything? Do you need anything? I just want to... Can you give him a drink? Can someone get him? Yeah, please. He deserves all the goodness in the world. Oh, sweet, sweet, sweet boy. Sweet Dennis. No one ever can hurt you. I will stop them. Bless you, Dennis. Kyle. F*** you, man. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was a reflex. You see, when I was making videos for NCIX, Kyle was doing the same thing for our main American rival, New Egg. So he is still legally my nemesis. And we've only met like twice. I'm sorry, Kyle. Kyle has his own channel, of course, formally named the relatable and excitable, exciting, awesome sauce network. And then he changed it to a... B-tweet. I mean, Bittwit, it sounds like the fifth Teletubby. Who was too stupid to make it on the show so Tinky Winky and Dipsy had to leave him in the Namby Pamby forest? Yes, I Googled the names of the Teletubbies for that. Kyle's had a bit of trouble with The Verge recently, aka the real journalists. That was a joke. They took down his Lyle character's response to their shitty PC building guide because they said it infringed their copyright and featured a racist character because he did a Chinese accent. Now, Kyle is Asian, okay, but I can understand their confusion. I mean, he looks Mexican and his last name is Hanson. I mean, I hear his full name and I think, is that one of the Mbob guys? And we're also being graced tonight by the presence of Taryn Tong from Corsair. Taryn also worked at NCIX, as we've heard. Nice to see you escape the Gulag Man. And look where he ended up, you know, a featured presenter at an amateur comedy roast for a minor internet celebrity. But the real reason we're here tonight, everybody, the third most famous Linus, Linus Sebastian. Now, although I've only worked for Linus for about a year, I actually worked with him back at NCIX. I don't remember much from my time there, only some vague flashes come through, you know, a high-pitched wine cutting through the office like a hot knife through hair gel. A glimmer of light reflecting off not one, but double hoop earrings in both ears. Why two? Why do you need so many? I don't think he can even remove them now. I think they're infused into his nervous system. And I'll never forget this, the distinct aroma of Dipity Doo hardening into a jagged hellscape of spikes. Very affordable. Yes. Unfortunately, it was 2013, and hair gel hadn't been cool for like 10 years. Seriously, though, everyone's style kind of crystallizes at some point, usually in adulthood, but you were 13. And you were like, this is it. Only this. But that's what we love about Linus, isn't it? He doesn't flip-flop around with the trends. In fact, he never wears flip-flops, only the thickest sole sandals with the sturdiest velcro. Those things are not coming off, no matter how much Yvonne begs. Legend has it that beneath those straps, his skin is entirely translucent, like those deep sea fish. Yeah, Linus looks less like a successful business owner and more like a 1990s Circuit City employee. Why would I move out of my parents' house? I'm saving money. I don't have to cook, and I can even have girls over if I leave the door open. Okay, but really, guys, we all know Linus is actually an incredibly hardworking creator, a dedicated husband and father, and an inspiring leader. I can't thank him enough for fishing me out of that dumpster last year. And what he's built in Linus Media Group is nothing short of astounding. I mean, you've got a huge studio hundreds of thousands of dollars in equipment and close to 30 employees now. I think we can afford a stylist. That's it. The roast of Linus Sebastian is fueled by Madrinus Coffee. Get the Linus Tech Tips Vanilla Cold Brew today. Up next, Linus gets the last word. He deserves to be roasted, but he doesn't deserve the roast. So I hope he leaves here a little bit sadder than he came. The closer we get to it, the more I'm f***ing terrified. This next roaster is someone who definitely needs an introduction. I just met Taron Tong for the first time tonight when he tried to sell me DVDs on the sidewalk. Definitely representing Corsair's official position. Please welcome Taron Tong. So I'd like to thank Head Game Master Seneca Crane for organizing this event tonight. Just so you know, auditions are downstairs on the casting couch. So, welcome to the Corsair's official stage. Hopefully, over the rest of you, the view count is high enough tomorrow so you still have jobs. But the odds aren't looking that good. When I usually see Linus, it's some sort of trade show where he starts waltzing in and because he's Internet famous, he starts breaking s***. So tonight, I'm like, well s***, this is the first time in 15 years he's invited me on any one of his shows. So I'm looking around and what can I break? I'm sort of thinking something grand, like a camera boom, because nothing says, no, nothing says view counts like human tragedy. And you guys can tell, I'll tell your old friends about it after the show. Speaking of Internet famous, it's finally nice to meet some of my co-roasters that I watched online. Jay from Jays Two Cents, Steve from Gapers Nexus, Kyle from Bitwit. What the f*** is a Bitwit? Kind of sounds like a head injury that you get after you take one too many shots of the head. I really have to hand it to you guys for finding William Hung from American Metal. I think if we all get through this night, he might come up and do an encore, she bangs, she bangs. Then there's a five bench warmers from Lita, Linus Media Group. Filling in for the other YouTubers who had the better sense not to cover this. Now TechUt is sometimes unfairly criticized for a lack of diversity, but what I feel tonight is that we can, yes, we can show the world that we can embrace that diversity that we lack. We have Luc Lefrenier with his Croix-Bacloix sounding last name. Dennis taking a break from Devious Street turning tricks. You know, representing China even though he's Taiwanese. Official Communist Party doctrine says it's other way around. Then all the hardware that James put into organizing lists, so I'd like to give him one of those slow claps. After months and months of preparation, he managed to find one. Not two, just one woman to participate, and that's Linus' wife. Eat for effort, dude. Justine was busy. I mean, it should be a simple pitch, right? You know, come out, have a couple drinks, have a few hors d'oeuvres, joke about internet culture, joke about technology with the biggest group of insels, West of the Rockies. If this is in progress, I don't know what is. Yvonne, just a bit of advice. Keep that rape whistle and pepper spray ready, and later when I tell you run, you just run and you don't look back. I think it's your chance to speak now at the wedding. Forever hold your peace. Jay, first time we're meeting tonight, even though my employer, possibly my former employer, depending on how the rest of the night goes, has worked with him for several years. Recently I saw a really touching episode where Jay answers a call from the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and he's building a PC with a kid who got childhood cancer. Terrible thing. But be straight with me. Were you really their first choice? I mean, what's the selection process? Are they going through YouTube videos and they're like, f***, this guy's got Delta s*** behind as well, so... Let's just pair the two of them up. Who's making the decisions there? It's a good thing they didn't check and see how long it takes them to finish a build. But seriously though, really good stuff. I mean, it shows the power of this community and the heart that we have, and it makes us all appreciate that we're all relatively good health, except for Nick, who looks like he's about to go in for lobotomy tomorrow. Or maybe he's having a coronary. I mean, move those hands. Are you trying to hide one of those intimately boners? We have been sitting around for a little bit longer than we probably like. The light's a little bit warm. Try to fight it, but you can't, so just roll with it, buddy. Jay's philanthropy and humanity doesn't really end there though. I mean, I understand that he brought Steve from Gamers Nexus with him tonight, because Steve wanted to be on a YouTube channel that was somebody watched other than his mom. But don't worry, Steven, everything he says is true about you. Your hair is dreamy. You're just big boned. And you're a real catch. And you know what? For somebody who has such strong opinions about cable management, the hair is sort of the same concept. At least I didn't make the 680X. Very specific. Very niche. But really, I'm thrilled to be here. When Linus asked me to come up, I thought it was a wonderful opportunity to support the LGBT community. I mean, just look at this transformation that they've made from a socks and sandals wearing lesbian to a proud possibly gay man. I'm looking forward to him taking a story to the last. I hear that Dennis is going to help volunteer administer. So he can go from his 12-year-old girl-like nasal voice to Elizabeth Holmes-like baritone. It's an up count, right? It will be good. I think it will be pretty brave. Hashtag courage. Despite all the grief I give Linus before today, today, tomorrow, he's preserved. And he's made it. And he's a decent human being. He cares much more deeply about his employees and has a lot more emotional depth than his crappy videos may suggest. Linus today is a more introspective version of the dumb kid I met years ago. Mastering his negotiating skills as a vendor is by telling him ahead of time that, no, we have no intention of paying you. It happened. I wish him more subs, more views, and more success in the years to come. Thanks for having me out. Our final roaster is Nick Light. Just think, if all those years ago, Michael Jackson had had your face, today there'd be no controversy. Guilty! Please welcome the guy who shows up with a bat if you thumbs down a Linus video, Nick Light. All right. Wow. What an introduction from the guy who's attempting to look like Bruce Buffer. After all these roasts, I'm feeling a bit more like Bruce Butthurt. So we'll try to get past that. I'm really happy that I get to share the stage tonight with some of my awesome colleagues like Riley. You know, as you've heard tonight, Riley's motivated, he's enthusiastic, and boy, is he positive. Like, seriously, this dude is weirdly positive. This may be a bit far-fetched, but some days I wonder if Riley might secretly be a serial killer. I could easily picture you just standing in your kitchen, frying up a bunch of severed fingers and saying, Time for the Quick Bits! Maybe you'll enjoy them with a side of good gravy. And Luke, Luke, of course, as he alluded to earlier, without him I probably never would have even heard of Linus Tech Tips, never mind actually working here. But Luke is the best type of guy to be indebted to. His memory is so bad that he can't even remember to show up on time for the WAN show. You know, the show that has started at the same time every week for like seven years. So I feel pretty safe in knowing that there's no way in hell he's ever coming to collect on that debt. Yvonne, you're great too. But one thing that I absolutely can't stand is how indecisive you are sometimes. I can't even imagine what it must have been to deal with you when you were a pharmacist. You'd be calling your patients back all the time, take one of these, no, no, no, take two, take two, take four! And then they never called you back because by the time they got the final message, they were dead. On a more serious note though, I would never impersonate a generic Asian accent, unlike some people on this stage. But I impersonate Dennis all the time. Because Dennis is the absolute king of unintentional one-liners. My absolute favorite one happened in Vegas one time, you know, we're all chilling in the room at CES. We're catching up on emails like 11 p.m. And then all of a sudden Dennis barges through the door, obviously drunk, and just says, I lost all my money. And another time in Mexico, we were on some random jungle excursion. Dennis looks over into the distance and spots this huge hole in the ground, and he points to Colton and he says, hey, Colton, the reason why you're here is so I can put you in your grave. And I'm sure I'd have many, many more examples of that if only I could understand half the words that come out of your mouth. And who can forget our esteemed guests, the three guys who had nothing better to do on a Friday night than fly to a different country to take part in a bootleg marketing event for a coffee company hosted by the troop of man-children who brought you such classics as Arctic Hobby, Land Rider, 503 RC, Fire Truck Unboxing, and First Look Linus Tech Tips. Yes, that is the full title of Linus' most viewed video. And yes, this is the moment where all of you should be seriously reflecting on the life choices you've made that have brought you to this very stage. Kyle, the man, the myth, the bitwit. Lyle's just better. I'm not even making a joke. That's just honest feedback. Steve, or as he's more affectionately known, Tech Jesus. Maybe if you smoked as much weed as your hair makes it look like you do, you'd actually make an entertaining video. And Jay, I'm honestly really quite surprised that you showed up tonight. All of the famous people here already know how to build their own PCs. At least when Linus decides to make a six-part video series, the audience already knows it will take over a year to complete and it will end with fake excitement. And speaking of Linus, who can forget the reason we're all here tonight? Mr. Linus Sebastian. Linus Media Group, Linus Tech Tips, Linus Cat Tips. This guy really doesn't think a whole lot of himself. I actually heard that Linus wanted to have five kids. That way he could start the names with L, I, N, U, and S. They'd be like the Power Rangers, except instead of joining together to save the planet, they'd have to fight to keep their dad's fragile ego intact after he gets old and looks a whole lot more like I do. For all the hate that we see online, it's actually pretty easy for me to look past all the clickbait titles and shitty thumbnails. They've given me the perfect title for my future tell-all book, The Many Faces of Linus Sebastian, a series in 12 parts. And in addition to the many faces of Linus, there are many sides to Linus as well. So at work, he's running around like a man on a mission. He's got a screwdriver in his pocket. He's lifting heavy servers. But then you get to the badminton court and he's moving elegantly. And he always makes sure to have his balance hand out when he goes up to smash that cock. I mean, shuttlecock, shuttlecock. Why don't we just call it a birdie? I only like him because he makes me money. I guess I just had that down as a note. Awkward. But even with all the things that we can harp on, your height, your voice, the way you just drag on forever, the bottom line is that you promote curiosity, creativity, and hard work and tech content that is second to none. You're fantastic influences on the lives of everyone here and everyone watching at home. And I want to say thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the rant you've all been waiting for. The man that YouTube only puts on trending, to be ironic, Linus Sebastian. Oh, wait. Oh, God, how does this... No time. That was hard. Honestly, it wasn't quite as bad as I was expecting, though. Believe it or not, that's actually the first time Nick's ever said anything nice about me. Honestly, guys, I didn't think that had a single kind bone in his body. Though in fairness to me, you can't really blame me. It would have been pretty hard to find a bone in there. Yeah, you're smiling. It's a fat joke. It's a gym, Baldi. Steve, man, that was brutal. I mean, at least you didn't call me a pathetic corporate shill by name when you did your mock vacuum cleaner review. Yeah, it's pretty quiet. I guess you guys didn't see that video. That's okay. You really didn't miss much. It's kind of like the rest of Steve's videos. Really fucking boring. Like, here's the thing. I might have an irritating voice, but it beats putting the entire room to sleep every time I open my mouth. Then there's this tech Jesus thing. Like, what is that? I'm always hearing, yeah, he's tech Jesus. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here going, yeah, no, that can't be right. And for one thing, Jesus had 12 whole followers. And for number two, he eventually came back from the dead. You ask me, he's more like tech weird Al, just without the accordion or a personality. Yeah, laugh it up, Kyle. But I mean, at least Steve's videos have substance. I mean, I was chatting with your BFF Lyle the other day, and I think he put it best. He goes, okay, look, he call himself awesome sauce, but he look more like sweet and sour dork. He too stupid, even for the verge. As if they'd hire your racist ass. Real talk, man. Do you have any idea how offensive that voice is to people? No, no, no, I can do it. I'm like half Chinese on my wife's parents side. At least I'm like you guys, J knows something. It's off. You're right, I do. Thank you. I appreciate it. We actually planned it. It's the end. So Jason expert, when it comes to milking celebrity appearances for YouTube views, I swear to God, man. How many parts was the post Malone build? You got your part one. You got your part two. You've got your. Thank God it's finally working. Thank God. I'm not cute. I was like, I didn't make that video. Dude, it's a computer. Just fucking build it. Thank God he didn't leave you a review on Yelp. Yeah, my brand new computer was outdated six months before he delivered it. More like J's too slow. And there's you. Sorry, who are you again? Right, right. VP of sales. Of course, their memory. Oh, big shot. Dush. You know, he's lucky that they never checked his resume. Every company he has ever worked for has gone to shit, you know. Everyone. You know, before he settled into Hawking memory modules, he tried to make it as a tech reviewer. Remember Neo seeker? Oh, wait, what? Yeah, exactly. Right. What? All right. His most recent victim and CIX. So if that's anything to go by, I'd say submit your Corsair warranty claims. Get your rebates in. Because if the pile of dead bodies is anything to go by, I'd say they got about another three years. Which reminds me, Riley, for three years, I tried to poach this guy from them. So, hey, you know, Riley, LMG is a pretty cool place to work. Oh, yeah. Was that a hand? Maybe I was better off without you. You clueless. So nice and sincere. You can't be like, maybe this is an underhanded recruitment attempt. Anyway, NCIX finally folds and I send over a proper job offer. And what do I get back? Oh, you know, I really want to, but my wife isn't sure if she thinks I should do it. You want me? Look, dude, either you're whipped as fuck or you use your wife as a shield. Either way, it's a bad look. Which brings me perfectly to Luke. Where do I start with Luke? How about before I even met him? Guy's a fucking liar, you know. He already knows. Probably the biggest one was actually on his resume. So it was only years later that he finally admitted that his only experience in video production was quite literally a keyboard unboxing that he made in the kitchen with his mom. Did you know he's actually the only reason that we implemented a dress code at our company? That's right. We have a dress code. It's a really simple one. Wear actual pants. Because nobody wants to see a giant meat print sticking out of your flannel PJs. Somehow I don't believe him. I know what the dick swinging was about, though. It really could not have been easy for you having the stature of Batman with the status of Robin. I liked it. Back to wearing pants, though. My wife. Please don't punish me for this. Now, we've heard already a lot of people say, well, she must have married me so that she could spend my money. But come on, guys, you got to think critically. That's obviously not true. Because if it was, the first thing she'd have bought is a pair of breasts. Like, honestly, hon, if I wore as much padding as you, just think of it. What an innovation. I could just like... You know, it's great. We're actually shopping the other week. It was adorable. So she's all excited. She finally found something that fits, right? And I go, hon, you know the aisle for adult women is over there, right? Honestly, though, I don't even know why I'm laughing at this joke because the joke's kind of on me. I mean, we're done having kids, so it's not like she needs them for anything. At least my wife can use power tools, though. Yeah, Dennis. You think I forgot about you? So this guy invites me over to see his new apartment on a Saturday. And I get there, and apparently he expects me to paint his walls and mount his TV. You know, you're f***ing useless when you trust these butterfingers more than yourself to handle your expensive electronics. I don't know why. I guess I don't blame you, though. I mean, so I asked this guy to hand me a drill because I'm working on things for him. And he goes, oh, I'm not a drill person. What the f*** is a drill person? A man. A top. Would you believe this guy served in the Taiwanese military? Thank God China never actually invaded. Can you imagine? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. There's James. Look at him over there. He's all like, he's sitting in the throne. Oh, you know what my roast is of you, James? F*** you, James. This is your one chance to be in charge. Enjoy it, big man. I know that's what you really are. Textbook small dog. You're always talking about your big dick energy. The last time I checked, man, your hands ain't much bigger than mine. I mean, okay, sorry, just to be clear about one thing. I'm actually not saying that that's an indication. You guys were all here when my wife was up. You know, that's actually pretty easy coming up with mean things to say about me. His voice is so high. His balls haven't dropped. Honestly, by comparison, coming up with mean things to say about you guys was really hard for me before tonight. Except James. F*** you, James. You enjoyed this way too much. Seriously, though, I think this is the part of the show where I thank you all sincerely from the bottom of my heart for being here. I know that this was absolutely a ton of work for all of you. You guys were amazing, by the way. You also put a lot of trust in what is admittedly a gaggle of idiots to pull this all off. So thank you for that. It means a lot. So as much as I want to say that I absolutely meant all of the mean things I said, I love you all enough to start bottling them up again tomorrow. You guys are the best. Speaking of the best. Our sponsor, Madrinas Coffee, featuring the Lambo roast and this exclusive orange can. I was definitely paid to put that label on there. We wouldn't have been able to do this without you guys. I also want to thank our production team and the incredible team at Float Plane. It might take them a while, but eventually they get it. We live streamed this tonight exclusively on Float Plane. So thank you, Luke. I also want to do a massive shout out to many people, but especially Yvonne, Steph, Colton, and James, who worked tirelessly on this for some of the weeks, some of the months leading up to tonight. And of course, finally, I want to reserve my biggest thank you to our friends and our family members who are here in the audience. You guys came out to show your support. Damn it. And also to our dedicated fans. This guy's fucking pulling a Jordan Peterson right now. Both the ones that are here in the audience encouraging us, even when our jokes aren't that great, and the ones that are watching us from afar over the interwebs. As much as that's pretty fucking creepy, you guys. Without all of you, though, none of this would be possible. We owe you all so much. Thank you for being here, and good night, everybody. The roast of Linus Sebastian is fueled by Madrinas coffee. Get the Linus Tech Tips Vanilla Cold Brew today. Get the fuck out. Please. Go. Please. Give me that. Yeah, man. Whoa. Whoa.