Doubts about some Islamic teachings, from a female Muslim student
Question

                This is really weird for me because I'm fifteen years old and a girl living in England sometimes things just get so confusing for me. I don't know what to do because slowly I think I'm losing my faith in Islam, but not in God, in Islam. I think the main reason is how sexist the people are. I mean, a boy can do anything and no one will say anything but a girl, if she goes out alone or something, then she's going to hell. I find it so unfair I get so angry just at the thought of it. I mean, why do people say that Islam is the greatest religion on Earth if it's so unfair and cruel?

I mean, some Muslims seem to think it's okay to marry off a fifteen year old girl to some thirty year old man she's never met before, why is that okay?

And why is it okay for a boy to go out and get so drunk he can't walk properly and sleep with a million different girls?

Why is it that when a Muslims girl strikes out on her own and wants to do something with her life she can't because Islam is holding her back?

Why is it not okay for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man when she's fallen in love with him but it's perfectly fine for a Muslim man to marry a non-Muslim lady?

Why do the men get to chose who they want to marry but sometimes the woman gets to say in it at all?

Why is it so unfair?

I'm so sorry for going on and on for ages, I just really need your help and I don't even know who you are but I don't want to lose my faith and become a non-believer and for me to not lose my faith is for my questions to be answered. I was wondering if you have the time to email me personally and just help through this?

Please, please, please get back to me.
Praise be to Allah.
      Firstly: 

    There are some preliminaries that we should talk to you 
    about, and we hope that you will pay attention to what we say to you: 

    1.

    We recognize that you are living in a country that is 
    permissive in moral terms, in which things are allowed that are forbidden in 
    Islam, and things have reached a state where they -- both males and females 
    -- ride bicycles in the street in front of people when they are virtually 
    naked. People are undoubtedly affected by their environment, hence there is 
    a stern warning against settling among the mushrikeen and those who are 
    morally bankrupt. We think that if you were living in a decent, conservative 
    environment, you would not be feeling this way. 

    2.

    We are sorry to see that in your question that you went 
    beyond asking questions in seeking to understand, to the extent of impugning 
    the laws and wisdom of Allah, and differentiating between faith in Allah, 
    may He be exalted, and the laws of Islam. The laws of Islam came from Allah 
    in the first place; they come from Him and from nowhere else. So it is 
    better to phrase such objections in the form of questions that are aimed at 
    removing doubt, and not in this style or form. 

    3.

    You have mixed up the rulings of Islam and the actions of 
    Muslims. The laws of Islam are pure and were prescribed by Allah, may He be 
    exalted, to set straight the affairs of people and countries. Whatever the 
    Muslims do that is contrary to the laws of their Lord can only be attributed 
    to them, not to their religion. The religion of Allah does not permit males 
    to drink alcohol or to make friends with non-mahram women or to commit zina 
    (fornication or adultery). How can you attribute these evil deeds and major 
    sins that are committed by the misguided youth to the laws of Allah, and 
    claim that He permits that to them [males] and forbids them to females? You 
    are mistaken and confused. You have made a mistake by attributing their 
    actions to Islam and you are confused in your belief that these actions are 
    permissible for males and not females. 

    Secondly: 

    You said some objectionable words in your question, which are 
    very wrong and pose a danger to your religious commitment, so you have to 
    repent from them and regret them. Among the worst of them are your words, 
    “why do people say that Islam is the greatest religion on earth if it’s so 
    unfair and cruel?” These are words which, if they were spoken by one who 
    understood their meanings, they would be tantamount to apostasy in his case. 
    They imply impugning of Allah, may He be exalted, which is a serious matter. 
    Perhaps your excuse is that you were confused between the laws of Allah and 
    the actions of some Muslims. Islam is the religion of Allah and it is what 
    He has prescribed. It is what He revealed to His Prophet Muhammad (blessings 
    and peace of Allah upon him). Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Truly, the religion with Allaah is Islam”

    [Aal ‘Imraan 3:19]

    “And whoever seeks a religion other than Islam, it will 
    never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers”

    [Aal ‘Imraan 3:85]. 

    Accusing Islam of being unjust and cruel is one of the 
    falsest of falsehoods. Allah says, negating the first accusation 
    (interpretation of the meaning): 

    “Verily, Allaah enjoins Al‑‘Adl (i.e. justice and 
    worshipping none but Allaah Alone — Islamic Monotheism) and Al‑Ihsân [i.e. 
    to be patient in performing your duties to Allaah, totally for Allaah’s sake 
    and in accordance with the Sunnah (legal ways) of the Prophet
    صلىالله عليه وسلم in a perfect manner], 
    and giving (help) to kith and kin (i.e. all that Allaah has ordered you to 
    give them, e.g., wealth, visiting, looking after them, or any other kind of 
    help), and forbids Al‑Fahshâ’ (i.e. all evil deeds, e.g. illegal sexual 
    acts, disobedience of parents, polytheism, to tell lies, to give false 
    witness, to kill a life without right), and Al‑Munkar (i.e. all that is 
    prohibited by Islamic law: polytheism of every kind, disbelief and every 
    kind of evil deeds), and Al‑Baghy (i.e. all kinds of oppression). He 
    admonishes you, that you may take heed”

    [al-Nahl 16:90].

    And He says, negating the second accusation:

    “Allaah intends for you ease, and He does not want to make 
    things difficult for you”

    [al-Baqarah 2:185]. 

    “So after the truth, what else can there be, save error?”

    [Yoonus 10:32]. 

    The Messenger of Allah (sa) said: “Allaah did not send me to 
    make things hard for people in the hope that they would make mistakes, 
    rather He sent me to teach and make things easy.” Narrated by Muslim, 1478. 

    It was narrated that Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allah be pleased with 
    him) said: It was said to the Messenger of Allah (sa): Which religion is 
    most beloved to Allah? He said: “al-Haneefiyyah al-Samhah (easy 
    monotheism).” Narrated by Ahmad and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani. 

    Thirdly: 

    The basic principle with regard to the commands and 
    prohibitions is that there is no differentiation between males and females 
    with regard to them. There is no need to point out that this applies to all 
    rulings, but we find that in the case of some prohibitions, Allah mentions 
    both sexes, and this confirms what we say, which is that there is basically 
    no difference between the sexes, especially with regard to things that are 
    forbidden in Islam. For example: 

    (i)

    Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the 
    meaning):

    “And (as for) the male thief and the female thief, cut off 
    (from the wrist joint) their (right) hands as a recompense for that which 
    they committed, a punishment by way of example from Allaah. And Allaah is 
    All‑Powerful, All‑Wise”

    [al-Maa’idah 5:38]. 

    (ii)

    Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the 
    meaning):

    “The fornicatress and the fornicator, flog each of them 
    with a hundred stripes. Let not pity withhold you in their case, in a 
    punishment prescribed by Allaah, if you believe in Allaah and the Last Day. 
    And let a party of the believers witness their punishment.”

    [al-Noor 24:2]. 

    (iii)

    Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the 
    meaning):

    “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking 
    at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual 
    acts). That is purer for them. Verily, Allaah is All‑Aware of what they do.

    31. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze (from 
    looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal 
    sexual acts)”

    [al-Noor 24:30. 31]. 

    Moreover, we should tell you that there are some things that 
    are forbidden for men but permissible for women, because they are 
    appropriate for women’s nature but arenot appropriate for men. It was 
    narrated from Abu Moosa al-Ash‘ari (may Allah be pleased with him) that the 
    Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Allah, 
    may He be glorified and exalted, has permitted silk and gold to the females 
    of my ummah, and has forbidden them to the males.”

    Narrated by Ahmad (19184) and al-Nasaa’i (5265); classed as 
    saheeh by al-Albaani. 

    We should also tell you that the differences in the physical 
    makeup of both genders may dictate variation in some rulings, but in the 
    context of reward and status with Allah, this variation becomes 
    insignificant and each person will be rewarded in accordance with his effort 
    and his situation; no one will be wronged and no deed will be undervalued; 
    no one will be brought to account for something they did not do. Allah, may 
    He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And whoever does righteous good deeds, male or female, 
    and is a (true) believer [in the Oneness of Allaah (Muslim)], such will 
    enter Paradise and not the least injustice, even to the size of a Naqeera 
    (speck on the back of a date stone), will be done to them”

    [al-Nisa’ 4:124]

    “Whosoever does an evil deed, will not be requited except 
    the like thereof; and whosoever does a righteous deed, whether male or 
    female and is a true believer (in the Oneness of Allaah), such will enter 
    Paradise, where they will be provided therein (with all things in abundance) 
    without limit”

    [Ghaafir 40:60]. 

    Is this sufficient for you to realise how wrong you are in 
    thinking that haraam things are permissible for males and not females? From 
    this you will realise that your saying “why is it okay for a boy to go out 
    and get so drunk he can’t walk properly and sleep with a million different 
    girls?” has no basis in truth. Alcohol and zina (fornication) are major sins 
    and no differentiation is made with regard to them between males and 
    females; both of them -- if they do these things -- incur the burden of sin 
    and deserve the prescribed punishment. If many people differentiate in this 
    matter by allowing their sons to do this but not their daughters, that is 
    due to the temptation of the Shaytaan and does not stem from the laws of the 
    Most Merciful. 

    Is there any reason or wisdom, is there any justice or 
    fairness in anything if you regard the deeds of evildoers and immoral people 
    and the filth of addicts and fornicators as the criteria to judge the 
    religion of the Lord of the Worlds?? 

    Fourthly: 

    Your saying, “some Muslims seem to think it’s okay to marry a 
    fifteen-year-old girl to some thirty-year-old man she's never met before, 
    why is that okay?” 

    These words are unfair and contrary to the reality that you 
    want to judge. 

    Please take note of what we are going to tell you: 

    1. 

    A marriage can never take place between a thirty-year-old man 
    and a fifteen year old girl, between that girl and a man of whatever age she 
    wants, except with her agreement. What harm will it do you if a man of that 
    age proposes marriage to you when you are at the age you are at, then you 
    accept it and want to marry him, and you tell your guardian to go ahead with 
    that? What if she is thirty years old and he is forty-five? So what? The 
    fact that she did not accept this husband before does not mean anything. The 
    matter is for her to decide, if she wants that and agrees to it after asking 
    about him and making enquiries about him; and if she wants she can reject 
    him. 

    2. 

    Moreover, if she has met him before -- as happens among those 
    who act contrary to sharee‘ah and have haraam relationships -- that does not 
    mean that their marriage will be happy; rather most of what you hear about 
    husbands beating their wives, wives killing their husbands, divorce, 
    separation and marital infidelity -- all of that, in the society in which 
    you are living and others like it -- happens between spouses who knew one 
    another and met one another before marriage, and in many cases had a child 
    or children. Did that meeting before marriage benefit them at all? 

    2.

    As a thirty-year-old man can marry a fifteen-year-old girl, 
    so too a man of twenty can marry a woman of thirty or even forty. So what? 
    What matters is the fact that both agree and consent to the marriage. What 
    harm does it do if there is a difference in age between the spouses? Is 
    there any marriage that was happier than the marriages of the Prophet 
    (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) to Khadeejah and ‘Aa’ishah? His 
    marriage to Khadeejah (may Allah be pleased with her) took place when she 
    was nearly twice his age, and his marriage to ‘Aa’ishah took place when he 
    was much older than her, but they were among the most successful of 
    marriages on earth. So when did the difference in ages between the spouses 
    in and of itself have a negative impact on the marriage? 

    Fifthly: 

    Your saying “Why is it that when a Muslim girl strikes out on 
    her own and wants to do something with her life she can’t because Islam is 
    holding her back?” is not correct, because Islam does not prevent a woman 
    from going out on her own to the mosque or to the marketplace or to the 
    houses of her family, relatives and neighbours. Rather what is forbidden is 
    for her to travel on her own without a mahram, and the accompaniment of a 
    mahram when travelling is only prescribed in order to protect her from those 
    who would mess with her and cause her harm. Perhaps you see in the country 
    in which you live that women are not safe if they go out alone to the 
    marketplace or to work, and they are aware that the “wolves” of the streets 
    are waiting for them. When Islam prescribes something that is aimed at 
    protecting women, that is not mistreatment of them; rather it is because 
    Islam holds them in high esteem and shows great respect to them, as well as 
    paying attention to their weakness and their need for someone else who will 
    protect and guard them against evildoers who would do them harm. 

    Moreover, every wise person realises that women need 
    protection and care more then men, and the need to protect girls against 
    going astray or falling victim to aggression is even greater. If she loses 
    her virginity or becomes pregnant or her honour is physically tarnished, 
    that may affect her and her future, and it may be difficult for her to 
    conceal it. As for boys, there is no differentiation between a boy and girl 
    with regard to the shar‘i punishment in this world or the recompense in the 
    Hereafter, but a boy -- at least -- can conceal his misdemeanour, and its 
    effect and shame are not apparent in his case. Moreover, he is not the one 
    for whom aggression is feared; he is the one who is the aggressor and the 
    girl is the target and victim. So which of them is more deserving of being 
    protected, guarded, watched over and cared for? “if you but knew” [Nooh 
    71:4]. 

    Sixthly:

    As for your saying “why is it not okay for a Muslim woman to 
    marry a non-Muslim man when she's fallen in love with him but it's perfectly 
    fine for a Muslim man to marry a non-Muslim lady?”, this is a very strange 
    comment! Can these be the words of one who believes in Allah, may He be 
    exalted, as her Lord and describes herself as a Muslim? Where is the faith 
    in the name of Allah al-Hakam (the Most Wise), and where is the belief in 
    your Lord’s attribute of wisdom? Where is the submission to His commands and 
    prohibitions? Now you want any Muslim woman who falls in love with a 
    Buddhist or Hindu man to be able to marry him! Do you believe that Islam 
    allows men to marry female idolaters, Communists or Buddhists? This is a 
    mistaken notion. It is not permissible for Muslim men to marry kaafir women, 
    except those who are Jews or Christians; it is not permissible for them to 
    marry women of any other religions. 

    In the case of a Muslim woman, it is haraam for her to marry 
    anyone of any other religion apart from Islam. This is a matter on which 
    there is scholarly consensus and there are no differences concerning that. 

    It is very strange that you want a Muslim woman be able to 
    marry any kaafir she falls in love with, whilst many kaafirs do not allow 
    their daughters to marry Muslim men even if they fall in love with them! 
    Buddhists and Hindus do not give their daughters in marriage to Muslims. 
    Indeed there are some Christian denominations who do not marry one another! 
    How did it occur to you that Islam does not take care of Muslim women and 
    allows them to marry men of any religion, so that could lead to them being 
    driven away from their religion? 

    Please see the answer to question number
    83736. 

    Seventhly: 

    With regard to your saying “why do the men get to choose who 
    they want to marry but sometimes woman gets no say in it at all? Why is it 
    so unfair?” your mistake is very clear and obvious. In fact the woman may 
    choose just as the man may choose; in fact her right to choose is greater 
    than his. The woman who receives marriage proposals can choose whoever she 
    wants and reject all the others. In fact she may choose a man who suits her, 
    whereas it may not be easy for a man to propose to more than one or two. All 
    the choices made by men in fact create choices for the woman, because she 
    has the right to refuse him. 

    The tradition is for the woman to be makhtoobah (proposed to) 
    and not khaatibah (the one who proposes); for her to be mankoohah (the one 
    who is married) and not naahikah (one who marries); for her to be matloobah 
    (the one who is sought) not taalibah (the one who seeks). This is something 
    that is deeply rooted in the nature of the sons of Adam and indeed other 
    living beings: the female is usually the one who is sought. 

    Despite that, there is no reason in sharee‘ah, if a woman 
    likes a man, for her not to express her wish to marry him. But that should 
    not be done in an appropriate manner. So she should not propose to him or be 
    the one who marries him; rather he is the one who proposes and she is the 
    one who is proposed to; he is the one who marries and she is the one who is 
    married. 

    Eighthly: 

    Finally, you should understand that Islam honour woman as a 
    daughter, a mother and a wife: it protects her rights that have been taken 
    from her. In its laws it pays attention to woman’s weakness and emotional 
    nature. So it prescribes for her that which will protect her honour and 
    dignity. What you see of loss of honour and transgression against women in 
    the form of assault and rape is only because of the bad conduct of men who 
    have lost all mercy and compassion, and who have lost all sense that Allah 
    is always watching them; it is also because of women showing their 
    adornments and being heedless about mixing, shaking hands, working and 
    corresponding with men. If women adhered to the laws of Allah in their 
    clothing and by not mixing with men or travelling alone, and if they adhered 
    to Islamic guidelines on talking to men and looking at them, a great deal of 
    evil and mischief in society would come to an end. 

    Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 

    There is no doubt that allowing women to mix freely with men 
    is the basis of all calamities and evils, and it is one of the greatest 
    causes of bringing punishment upon the entire community. It is also one of 
    the causes of corruption in both public and private affairs. And mixing of 
    men with women is a cause of many immoral actions and zina, and it is one of 
    the causes of widespread death and ongoing plagues. 

    Al-Turuq al-Hukmiyyah, p. 405 

    Please also see the answer to question no.
    40405 

    Our advice to you is to beware of the tricks of the Shaytaan, 
    to venerate your Lord, may He be exalted, be proud of your religion and 
    express your appreciation of the Prophet of Islam (blessings and peace of 
    Allah be upon him). You should understand that life is not sex, such that 
    you should focus only on that issue. Islam is all great and its rulings are 
    all in the interests of both individuals and societies at all times and in 
    all places. Wise people in the West are entering the religion of Allah in 
    crowds, not in order to flatter anyone, but because of what they see of the 
    greatness of its laws and its suitability to all times and places. These 
    wise people differentiate between what they know of Islam and what they see 
    of the actions of some Muslims. So think again about what you said and take 
    another look at your verdict on Islam: you will see the greatness of this 
    religion and that you are enjoying a blessing of which millions of people 
    are deprived. 

    And Allah knows best.