Marriage proposal from one who smokes and drinks, and doesn’t pray regularly
Question

                A young man proposed marriage to me after I passed the age of thirty. He smokes and drinks, and neglects prayer, but he honours his mother, treats people well and works hard. 

My brothers agreed to him, but I feel that they are fed up because I am still with them and am not married. 

Can I agree to marry him and try to change him for the better? Please tell me what I should do?.
Praise be to Allah.
    Our answer to you will consist of three messages in which 
    there is advice: to them (your brothers), to the suitor and to you. This is 
    how we will answer your question. 

    Firstly: 

    A message to your brothers: 

    1 – Allaah has commanded you to look for that which is in the 
    best interests of your sister in both religious and worldly terms, which 
    includes choosing a good husband who is suitable for your sister, and not 
    preventing her from marrying one who is suitable. You know that marriage 
    cannot be done without a wali (guardian), and that one of the most important 
    duties of the wali is to look for a good husband and make a good choice, 
    even if that means the guardian offering his sister or daughter in marriage 
    to righteous people. Marrying your sister to one who is not suitable or 
    preventing a suitable man from proposing marriage to her is a betrayal of 
    the trust with which Islam has entrusted you. 

    2 – You should note that the Prophet  (peace and 
    blessings of Allaah be upon him) has told you of the qualities to be found 
    in the man who is suitable for your sister, which may be summed up in two 
    characteristics: religious commitment and good character. These two 
    characteristics, in sha Allaah, will guarantee good and happiness for your 
    sister and her children. The one who is religiously committed will take care 
    of her rights and he will do what Allaah has commanded him to do towards her 
    and her children. He will encourage her to do good and obey Allaah, and will 
    warn her against evil and sin. 

    His good character will prevent him from mistreating her, and 
    will make him continue to treat her well; if he dislikes one characteristic 
    in her, he will be pleased with another, so he will be patient in putting up 
    with any crookedness in her nature which Allaah has created in her, and if 
    he wants to leave her he will do so in a kind manner and will give her her 
    rights. 

    3 – You should note that it is not permissible for you to 
    marry her to a kaafir, and it is not good for an evildoer to marry your 
    sister. Marriage to a kaafir means that the marriage is invalid, and 
    marriage to an evildoer is a betrayal of the trust and a failure to protect 
    her.  

    The one who does not pray is not a Muslim. The fact that he 
    is a kaafir is mentioned in the Qur’aan and Sunnah, and that was the 
    consensus of the Sahaabah (may Allaah be pleased with them). The one who 
    prays but neglects prayer in congregation is an evildoer (faasiq). The one 
    who smokes is also an evildoer, as is the one who drinks alcohol, which is 
    the mother of all evils. Such a man should not be married and he cannot be 
    trusted to take care of his wife and protect her honour, and he cannot be 
    trusted to take care of his children. 

    Allaah has made you the guardians in charge of arranging your 
    sister’s marriage, and He has enjoined upon you to fulfil the trust and be 
    sincere towards her in the best of ways. This means that you should find 
    out  how religiously committed  the one who proposes marriage to your sister 
    is, and how good his character is. If you find that he does not pray, then 
    do not give your sister in marriage to him, because by not praying he is a 
    kaafir. But you must advise him. If he is careless about praying on time or 
    he does not pray in congregation, or he drinks alcohol, then do not give 
    your sister in marriage to him either, because the trust requires you to 
    marry her to one whose religious commitment and character are good. 

    4 –Fear Allaah with regard to your sister, and do not 
    mistreat her. Do not be upset by the delay in her getting married or her 
    remaining single. She is putting up with worries which we do not think that 
    you men could bear. Instead of that you should try to support her and help 
    her to be patient, and you should keep her good company, until she is 
    blessed with a righteous husband and good children who will give her good 
    company.  

    Secondly: 

    Our message to the suitor: 

    1 – Remember that Allaah, may He be exalted, has judged the 
    one who does not pray to be a kaafir. The same is mentioned in the Sunnah, 
    and the companions of the Prophet  (peace and blessings of Allaah be 
    upon him) were unanimously agreed upon that. Allaah says (interpretation of 
    the meaning): 

    “But if they repent [by rejecting Shirk (polytheism) and 
    accept Islamic Monotheism], perform As-Salaah (Iqaamat-as-Salaah) and give 
    Zakaah, then they are your brethren in religion”

    [al-Tawbah 9:11]

    It was narrated that Jaabir (may Allaah be pleased with him) 
    said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah  (peace and blessings of Allaah be 
    upon him) say: “Between a man and shirk and kufr there stands his giving up 
    prayer.” Narrated by Muslim (82). 

    ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Shaqeeq said: The companions of the Prophet 
     (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did not think that failing 
    to do any deed counted as kufr, except prayer. Narrated by al-Tirmidhi 
    (2622). If you are not praying, then you must repent from this deed and you 
    have to go back to praying regularly, as Allaah has enjoined you, at the 
    proper times fulfilling the conditions of prayer and doing all the 
    obligatory parts of prayer. 

    2 – You should note that neglecting the prayer until the time 
    for it is over is one of the deeds for which Allaah has warned of 
    punishment. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

    “Then, there has succeeded them a posterity who have given 
    up As‑Salaat (the prayers) [i.e. made their Salaat (prayers) to be lost, 
    either by not offering them or by not offering them perfectly or by not 
    offering them in their proper fixed times] and have followed lusts. So they 
    will be thrown in Hell”

    [Maryam 19:59] 

    “Those who delay their Salaah (prayer from their stated 
    fixed times)”

    [al-Maa’oon 107:5]

    3 – As for alcohol, how evil it is. Allaah says 
    (interpretation of the meaning): 

    “O you who believe! Intoxicants (all kinds of alcoholic 
    drinks), and gambling, and Al‑Ansaab (stone altars for sacrifices to false 
    gods) and Al‑Azlaam (arrows for seeking luck or decision) are an abomination 
    of Shaytaan’s (Satan’s) handiwork. So avoid (strictly all) that 
    (abomination) in order that you may be successful”

    [al-Maa’idah 5:90]

    And the Messenger of Allaah  (peace and blessings of 
    Allaah be upon him) said: “Every intoxicant is khamr and every intoxicant is 
    haraam. Whoever drinks khamr in this world and dies when he is addicted to 
    it and has not repented, will not drink it in the Hereafter.” Agreed upon. 

    And he  (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: 
    “Every intoxicant is haraam. Allaah has made a covenant that whoever drinks 
    intoxicants, He will give him to drink of the mud of al-khabaal.” They said: 
    O Messenger of Allaah, what is the mud of al-khabaal? He said: “The sweat of 
    the people of Hell, or the juice of the people of Hell.” Narrated by Muslim 
    (2002). 

    And he said: “Khamr is the mother of all evils. Whoever 
    drinks it, his prayers will not be accepted for forty days, and if he dies 
    with that in his stomach he will have died a death of Jaahiliyyah.” Narrated 
    by al-Tabaraani, classed as hasan by al-Albaani. 

    4 – You should note that smoking is haraam, and it destroys 
    wealth and the body. Allaah will ask you about your wealth and on what you 
    spent it. If smoking is the cause of your death then you will come under the 
    ruling on one who committed suicide, which is a major sin. 

    5 – We appreciate your honouring your parents, especially 
    your mother. We also appreciate your good treatment of other people and your 
    attention to your work. But you must note that your not praying or your 
    shortcomings with regard to prayer, and the fact that you smoke, mean that 
    the guardians must refuse to marry you to their sister, and the woman must 
    refuse to accept you as a husband. We hope that you will review your deeds 
    and make all of them good and righteous, then you will deserve to be the 
    husband of a righteous woman, and you and she can build a righteous 
    household based on the Book of Allaah and the Sunnah of His Prophet  
    (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and form a good and blessed 
    family. 

    Thirdly: 

    Our message to you:  

    1 – We advise you to be patient and adhere steadfastly to the 
    truth, and we do not advise you to compromise on the issue of religious 
    commitment and good character in those who propose to you, even if you 
    remain unmarried for a long time. Women are weak by nature, and a woman may 
    marry a man who commits sins with the aim of guiding him, but many women 
    have failed in that. So do not follow this path which many have followed 
    before you, without succeeding. It is said that a woman follows the way of 
    her husband. 

    2 – If your brothers want to insist on your marrying this 
    suitor, then they must understand why you are refusing to marry him, and 
    they should tell him frankly about that, and take a promise from him that he 
    will adhere to the laws of Allaah. That may be done with the knowledge of 
    his family, so as to ensure his seriousness about keeping his promise. There 
    should be a lapse of time to prove whether he is actually keeping his 
    promise, before the marriage contract is completed. 

    3 – If we exclude his not praying, the other sins that he is 
    committing do not affect the validity of the marriage contract, but we 
    advise you to do that which is best. If you choose to marry him in spite of 
    all the problems he has, with the hope that he will be guided, that is up to 
    you. Rather we say this so that you will not think that marrying him – in 
    the latter case – is haraam, although we prefer for you to be patient and 
    make du’aa’, so that Allaah will give you a way out and send you a husband 
    who is better than him. 

    4 – You should note that married life with one who is 
    religiously committed and of good character is a happy life in which a woman 
    can establish her household in accordance with Qur’aan and Sunnah, and 
    develop herself and raise her children in accordance with that which our 
    Lord loves and is pleased with. But a life with one who commits sin will 
    bring worries and distress and a focus on worldly matters, and a failure to 
    attain the pinnacle of good morals. Sin drags a person to further sin, until 
    his heart becomes blackened and he does not acknowledge anything good or 
    condemn anything bad. The one who is of good character and religiously 
    committed may occasionally do something bad, just as the one who commits sin 
    may occasionally do something good, but marriage, partnership, love and 
    brotherhood can only be based on that which is present and established, not 
    that which is hoped for or impossible. 

    Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have 
    mercy on him) said: 

    The most important characteristics for which a woman should 
    choose a suitor are good character and religious commitment. Wealth and good 
    lineage are secondary matters. The most important thing is that the suitor 
    should be religiously committed and of good character, because the woman 
    will not lose anything with a husband who is religiously committed and of 
    good character. If he keeps her, he will keep her on reasonable terms and if 
    he divorces her he will release her with kindness. Moreover the one who is 
    religiously committed and of good character will be a blessing for her and 
    her children, and she will learn good attitudes and religion from him. But 
    if he is not like that, then she should keep away from him, especially some 
    of those who are negligent about performing prayers or who are known to 
    drink alcohol – Allaah forbid. As for those who do not pray at all, they are 
    kuffaar and it is not permissible for them to marry believing women, and 
    they are not permissible for (believing women) either. What matters is that 
    the believing woman should focus on good character and religious commitment. 
    As for good lineage, if that is present too, then it is better, because the 
    Messenger  (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If there 
    comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are 
    pleased, then give (your daughter or female relative under your care) in 
    marriage to him.” But if they are socially compatible, that is better.

    Fataawa al-Mar’ah al-Muslimah 
    (2/702) 

    And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: 

    If the suitor does not pray in congregation, then he is a 
    faasiq (evildoer) who is disobeying Allaah and His Messenger, and is going 
    against the consensus of the Muslims, which is that praying in congregation 
    is one of the best acts of worship. Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah 
    have mercy on him) said in Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (23/222): The scholars 
    are unanimously agreed that it – i.e., praying in congregation – is one of 
    the most emphasized acts of worship, best acts of obedience, and greatest 
    symbols of Islam. End quote. 

    But this evil deed does not put him beyond the pale of Islam, 
    so it is permissible for him to marry a Muslim woman, but someone else who 
    adheres more strictly to the religion and  good attitudes is better than 
    him, even if he is less wealthy and of an inferior lineage, based on what is 
    said in the hadeeth: “If there comes to you one with whose religious 
    commitment and character you are pleased, then give (your daughter or female 
    relative under your care) in marriage to him.” They said: O Messenger of 
    Allaah, even if he has some fault? He said: “If there comes to you one with 
    whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then give (your 
    daughter or female relative under your care) in marriage to him,” three 
    times. Narrated by al-Tirmidhi. And it is narrated in al-Saheehayn 
    and elsewhere from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the 
    Prophet  (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Women may be 
    married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their 
    religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your 
    hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).”

    These two ahaadeeth indicate that the first things that 
    should be sought in both men and women are religious commitment and good 
    character. What the guardian who fears Allaah and takes his responsibility 
    seriously should do is to pay attention to the teaching of the Prophet  
    (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), because he will be asked about 
    that on the Day of Resurrection. Allaah says (interpretation of the 
    meaning): 

    “And (remember) the Day (Allaah) will call to them, and 
    say: What answer gave you to the Messengers?”

    [al-Qasas 28:65] 

    “Then surely, We shall question those (people) to whom it 
    (the Book) was sent and verily, We shall question the Messengers.

    7. Then surely, We shall narrate unto them (their whole 
    story) with knowledge, and indeed We have not been absent”

    [al-A’raaf 7:6-7]

    But if the suitor does not pray at all, whether in 
    congregation or alone, then he is a kaafir who is beyond the pale of Islam 
    who must be asked to repent. If he repents and starts to pray, then Allaah 
    will accept his repentance if it is sincerely for the sake of Allaah, 
    otherwise he should be executed as a kaafir and apostate, and he should be 
    buried somewhere other than the Muslim graveyard, without being washed or 
    shrouded or having the funeral prayer offered for him. The evidence that he 
    is a kaafir is to be found in the texts of the Book of Allaah and the Sunnah 
    of the Messenger of Allaah  (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). 
    – He quoted the evidence for the one who does not pray being a kaafir, then 
    he said: 

    As it is clear from the texts of Qur’aan and Sunnah that the 
    one who does not pray is a kaafir whose kufr puts him beyond the pale of 
    Islam, it is not permissible for him to marry a Muslim woman, according to 
    the texts and scholarly consensus. Allaah says (interpretation of the 
    meaning): 

    “And do not marry Al-Mushrikaat (idolatresses) till they 
    believe (worship Allaah Alone). And indeed a slave woman who believes is 
    better than a (free) Mushrikah (idolatress), even though she pleases you”

    [al-Baqarah 2:221] 

    “then if you ascertain that they are true believers send 
    them not back to the disbelievers. They are not lawful (wives) for the 
    disbelievers nor are the disbelievers lawful (husbands) for them”

    [al-Mumtahanah 60:10]

    The Muslims are unanimously agreed upon what is indicated by 
    these two texts, that it is haraam for a Muslim woman to marry a kaafir. 
    Based on that, if he gives a woman whose guardian he is, whether his 
    daughter or anyone else, in marriage to a man who does not pray, the 
    marriage is not valid and the woman does not become permissible to that man 
    as the result of that marriage contract, because it is a contract which is 
    not in accordance with the command of Allaah and His Messenger. It is 
    narrated from ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) that the Prophet 
     (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever does an 
    action that is not in accordance with this matter of ours will have it 
    rejected.” 

    So if a marriage is to be annulled because the husband gives 
    up praying, unless he repents and comes back to Islam by praying, so what 
    about marrying someone who is already known not to pray? 

    To sum up: with regard to this suitor who does not pray, 
    if he does not pray in congregation then he is a faasiq (evildoer) whose 
    evil deed does not make him a kaafir, and it is permissible to marry him in 
    that case, but one who is religiously committed and of good character is 
    better than him. 

    If he does not pray at all, either in congregation or 
    alone, then he is a kaafir and apostate who is beyond the pale of Islam, and 
    it is not permissible for him to marry a Muslim woman under any 
    circumstances, unless he repents sincerely and starts to pray and adhere to 
    the religion of Islam.

    Majmoo’ Fataawa al-Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen 
    (12/question no 31). 

    Seek the help of Allaah with patience, prayer and du’aa’, and 
    we ask Allaah to make you steadfast in obeying Him, and to bless you with a 
    righteous husband and good offspring. 

    And Allaah knows best.