system
Had therapy for abuse and self harm, depression, hear people who are not there, insomnia, tired
human
I just turned 16 and am female. I think I have something wrong. I'm too scared to ask for actual help but i do crave help. I have been in and out of therapy twice, the first for abuse and the second for self-harm. I just stopped going 10 months ago I think and even though another appointment was scheduled, i never went back. she asked me if I wanted meds and i think they were keeping important stuff from me because i know im not right. i started to self-harm again and i make it look like accidents but they sting and i feel guilty and ashamed about it but not really. im mostly fine with it and just do it out of boredom now. i did it out of depression the other day though but i do it worse when im bored. I feel like im always being watched and talked about and i hear people say my name when no ones there or they say they never said it. i hear people or things follow me but when i turn around or look towards them, they aren't there. i hear knocks on the walls when no one makes them and i am home alone. i get angry a lot and confused and ive got memory spots that are these like gaps between stuff. i remember getting kicked and sexual abuse but theres other things that went on that mom says i forgot. she wont tell me what happened. i know stuff without being told like when i randomly asked out of the blue if my dad had abused my mom. no one ever told me but i said it and it was true. i forget things on purpose sometimes but then i cant remember. mom says i "switch" sometimes. she says sometimes ill act like a little girl and sometimes an adult. sometimes i act like a boy but then i act like me. i just started getting insomnia but im really tired. im scared of the nightmares im scared of how vulnerable i am when i am sleeping. im afraid someone will come and kill me. i have nightmares of it and im never able to scream. no one comes to save me. no one can save me. sometimes im affection and like hugs and scream and run and sometimes i want to be left alone but not alone alone. i dont want to be alone but i dont want to talk or have physical contact. i get angry sometimes, a rage that makes me want to scream and fight the source but im smart i learned not to. if i do i get yelled at and i dont want to get yelled at. every time i do i cry and my mom scream at me that im faking but im not. i learned fast. ive always been like this but not really this bad. i get empty where i cant even feel love for my special person i think hes not right either and he is so important because he listens and knows not to yell and tried his best but hes in severe depression with many health problems and he doesnt need me to make it worse. ive been alone for a long time and i dont want to lose him. he constantly reassures me that hes not going to hurt me but i cant shake the feeling. my concentration is slipping away and i have to be doing a lot of things to make me concentrate, like listening to music, drawing and answering the question. I move, i dont like still. the first therapist tested me for ADD but she said i didnt have it. she didnt like me. she always blamed me for everything. she said me mom was the victim and i was the bad thing. i didnt like her. the other one was nice and she really tried. but i dont think she knew what she was doing plus it make me uncomfortable to do therapy in a church with all the bad things i did. ive been told i might go blind when i grow up and i like to draw. its my life and being blind would end everything for me. im scared of it and people never believe me or listen so they cant help how i feel. i think theres more stuff but i cant think of it right now. since im scared to ask for help i wanted to ask behind my screen. do you think theres something wrong? or are you like everyone else?
gpt
Hi,Yes, there indeed is something wrong and should be treated well. The problems that you have described make me feel that you need to be assessed for borderline personality disorder with possibly a co-morbid depressive episode and it will be good if you could see a psychiatrist or a trained therapist. Since you mention that you liked your second therapist better, you can discuss this possibility with her and see what her views are. Ask her if she would be willing to see you in a place other than the church, as you do not feel comfortable there. You have not mentioned why you expect to go blind in future, but if you think that it will be a punishment for all the mistakes you made, just get rid of the notion. All human beings make mistakes, but God is very forgiving. Please do not feel uncomfortable about being in a church. It is a place of love and not punishment.Hope you get better soon. Best wishes.