comment: >
  
  You like the idea of people seeing through your weirdness so you think of those people as good, more like. People can be good and pretty oblivious at the same time, or mean but socially perceptive.
context: This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.
  Remember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not "thoughts had in the shower!"
  (For an explanation of what a "showerthought" is, please read this page.)
  Rule-breaking posts may result in bans. >
  
  I have spent years, YEARS, learning to be social and normal, using correct body language,  not turning bright red and sweating when talking to people...speech classes,  non verbal communication,  acting classes,  psychology,  sociology,  social psychology....but F when I think it's going okay and someone tells me Log is just to much, is too friendly,  is trying to hard - it makes my heart hurt. 
  Yes, I am trying...every damn day- because I became tired of sitting in my house paralyzed with social phobia...ugh.  Those mean comments make me want to crawl back in my hole.
  Those few kind people - Those few patient empathic people I've met along my journey make all the work worth it. 
  Keep at it - even when it hurts.
  
  Thank you all for the upvotes,  thoughtful opinions,  empathy,  personal stories,  and sharing! >
  
  In my experience when people say “too friendly” or “trying too hard” they usually mean “doesn’t respect my boundaries” even if they don’t know how to articulate it and even if they haven’t communicated those boundaries. Sometimes they’re framing things this way in an effort to be nice. Sometimes they’re mean because it doesn’t feel good to them and they lack the skill to communicate what they need. >
  
  Yeah, there are a lot of people in this thread who are basically saying 'other people should have far more social grace than I do, and if they fail at the difficult social test I'm putting them through, they're mean.' despite the fact that the people expecting the social grace would fail the same test. >
  
  It seems by the standard of this thread I'm a terrible person, if I'm with a group of people and one of them is sweaty and sits too close and keeps asking awkward questions or is trying too hard to keep my attention then I'm gonna be uncomfortable and want out of that situation.
  I'm gonna try my best to not be a dick but it's not my responsibility to make up for someones social ineptitude. >
  
  True. My partner is very similar to me in that they will get very intense when meeting new people.  He gets a little drilling 20 questions, and I will nervously talk about random topics (Let me give you a 30-minute history lesson about my dogs breed.). We've developed hand signals to settle down.
  Hire us for your parties - We will bring that awkward and uncomfortable vibe. >
  
  If this is true then there aren't many good people that my weird ass meets >
  
  It's not, it's just idealistic thought that mostly works if you put yourself into main character-esque role. It's doesn't matter if they're good or not, you can't expect people to just adapt to your lack of skill and accept you into their circles unconditionally. In reality if you believe they are good people you can probably solve it way better by just communicating your lack of skill somehow. >
  
  Yeah this is very situation dependent. 
  If I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.
  I get 2 evenings off per week, and probably go out to have fun two evenings a month, I don't owe strangers my time on those nights if I find them weird or off-putting. >
  
  
  If I'm at a bar with a couple friends and a stranger comes up and is acting weird I'm not going to acknowledge their attempt to socialise, I'm going to either move on or ask them to leave.
  
  Yeah, most people are like this. Not having time is one thing, but they talk about it like they're somehow better than the "weird" people. It's like a badge of honor for them to turn their nose up at someone and say "you are so undeserving of my time that I'm not even going to acknowledge that you tried."
  I always have to be the one to welcome them into the conversation, and sure enough, after a few minutes everyone realizes they're not so weird after all, they were just having trouble expressing themselves. Occasionally we end up being friends.
  Anyway, I recognize your effort to communicate your honest opinion. And your lack of basic human respect is sickening. >
  
  Hahaha wtf are you on about. >
  
  You make me sick. Does that make sense, or do I need to dumb it down further? >
  
  The way you speak to people speaks to a horrible inhumanity in yourself.
  How you can sleep at night with such vitriol in your twisted heart that you'd say that to someone you barely know I'll never be able to comprehend.
  Hang your head in shame. >
  
  Lol idk why you thought I would care about the opinion of some weirdo. Go hang out with your friends at the bar. >
  
  Haha I'm only winding you up mate, I'm sure your a nice bloke. >
  
  I wish I could say the same for you. >
  
  It has less to do with being good and more with the social skills of the recipient of said efforts >
  
  I was about to say the same thing. People who have good social skills generally know how to adapt and interact with all sorts of people.
  People with lower level social skills tend to either have difficulty reading others and how to respond in turn or only know how to interact with only one type of person. Teenagers often go through a phase of being uncomfortable with anyone outside their social circle not because they're stuck up, but because they lack confidence due to underdeveloped social skills. >
  
  Fresh lesson from just the other day, don't try to adopt or appease strangers too much. There's a limit. Stranger on the plane was telling me about taxi drivers and how they rip him off, and I decided to play along. I was like "yeah man it happened to me the other day" then he proceeded to loudly explain how he carries fake dollar bills so he can defraud them when he goes to impoverished countries. Everyone was looking at both of us like assholes, like I was in cahoots with him. >
  
  I see what you mean and how you interpreted my words. To clarify, adapting doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It's more about adapting your level of communication. Perhaps you need to use simpler language, perhaps the person is very extraverted and you can mirror their energy, maybe the other person is a little shy and anxious, so you use a calmer tone with them. That sort of thing. >
  
  
  and you can mirror their energy 
  the person is very extroverted 
  
  My social battery went straight to 0 (╯°□°）╯ >
  
  As an introvert, maintaining the social battery drain while acting extroverted is a skill many can learn.
  I just view it as a game/task with rules and conditions and it helps me. >
  
  Good people can lack situational awareness. Doesnt stop them from being good people. >
  
  “We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird; so, when you finally find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with your’s, you fall into mutual wired mess and call it love.” -Dr. Seuss >
  
  Dr Seuss is about the last mf to be talking about love >
  
  Enlighten me, please >
  
  Cheated on his wife when she had terminal cancer >
  
  Aaaand then she killed herself >
  
  With the cancer, or did she find another way? >
  
  OD'ed on barbiturates >
  
  Just today we had a party for my son's 4th. There was a woman there I've never met, a mother of a Kinder friend. She seemed shy, a little awkward and unsure of how to be. But when I told her how much my kid talked about her kid and how good friends they were, she blossomed with joy. It seemed so important to her for her daughter to be liked. I spent some time with her chatting about our kids and she really opened up. 
  I really appreciated her coming to a new and unfamiliar place, outside of her comfort zone just so her kid could celebrate with my son. It was so nice for her to be present, even if she was socially awkward. She's a good person and a good mum >
  
  Don't jump to conclusions based on one conversation. She might drink baby blood. >
  
  That would explain her youthful looks and the hungry way she looked at my other, fatter son >
  
  There's a difference between "dorky innocent" weird and "I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with this person" weird. Don't be the latter. The latter is a creep. Be the former. The former excudes good intentions.
  Edit: y'all are asking me to define what a creep is. A creep is someone who does not exude good intentions. They're someone that I feel unsafe around for various reasons including but not limited to the content of their speech, their temper, and their lack of respect for boundaries. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Hope that helps. >
  
  I think this isn't particularly helpful advice because it says "don't exist in a way that makes people feel uncomfortable. Existing this way makes you the bad thing" without explaining what the bad thing is.
  It would probably be better to say something like don't act towards people in a way that makes it seem like/comes from a place from where (you feel like) they owe you something such as their time, physical presence, or attention, affection, emotional labor, etc. Also don't act in a way that overtly or implicitly denies someone else's value or personhood. Try to see and communicate with people as human beings and not as representative of some reductive idea such as "betas", "chads", "liberal/conservative", or "woman that if I'm nice enough to they'll give me romantic/sexual attention". If someone tells you something is off limits for them, listen. If your friend say something you do makes them or others uncomfortable, listen. Some grace will be given to you if you're showing you're learning.
  If you're telling people that they don't matter because X Y and Z or that they are naturally prone to this inadequacy because of A B C then you're a jerk. If you're making thinly veiled references to hurting people, exploding in a rage, or making overt threats don't expect folks to be around you for long.
  Hope this captures your thoughts in more detail. >
  
  See one of the problems is that you can find someone creepy without being able to pinpoint why. Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley >
  
  
  Humans are very good at sensing when something is off, hence the existence of the uncanny valley
  
  Source?
  What I find on wikipedia:
  
  In aesthetics, the uncanny valley (Japanese: 不気味の谷, romanized: bukimi no tani) is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object.
  
  Response in regards to degree of physical human resemblance doesn't seem related to being good at sensing when something is off in general?
  I'd instead be inclined to believe that we'd be biased to make mistakes in judgement of character when a stranger physically looks unusual/not-as-expected/"uncanny".
  There are other criticisms on wikipedia.
  Do you have reasons to believe your more general version, and can you share them? I'd like to learn more about this if so. >
  
  I made it up that's your source >
  
  
  I made it up that's your source
  
  Gotcha. Thanks for being honest. >
  
  I hate going to school everyday and spending all my time alone. So far I’m too weird and I just haven’t connected with anybody yet. Friendships, crushes, all that stuff just hasn’t panned out. 
  People say university is the best time of your life, but it’s only my first year and I’m struggling with classes and tired of going. >
  
  Don't put pressure on yourself, the beginning of university is hard because everything is new, I am just like you and started making friends the third year or so. >
  
  I don’t know if I have the discipline to see this through, but I have no other paths forward. >
  
  Hey, just wanted to say i love you man. I know it seems like everyone just drones it, but things will get better. It seems bad now but rest assured it will get better. You will get better.
  I hope you keep that strength you've had to keep you going so far in your heart. You're so much stronger than you think. <3 >
  
  True. I'm neurodivergent, so socializing is a task for me and not second nature. Knowing what I know now has made me aware of all the kind neurotypicals that befriended me along the way, chosing to ignore my oddities. Unfortunately a lot them drifted away, but the life lessons I learned from them, even if I only pick them up as an adult looking back are invaluable. 
  As an adult I just try my best to be my authentic self, a little odd, a little eccentric, mostly normal. I've found that birds of a feather tend to flock together. You'll never find someone who matches your wierd if you're always trying to be "normal". There's several billion people on this earth, there's definitely a friend for everyone out there! >
  
  
  Unfortunately a lot them drifted away
  
  In case you think this is because you're neurodivergent I would like to say it happens all the time (a lot...) to even "neurotypical" people and friendships >
  
  When I am at a party/event I keep an eye out for shy/uncomfortable folks and bring them in. I used to be that person and now I pay forward what folks did for me along the way. >
  
  We need more people like you >
  
  Good people recognize that "weird" isn't a problem as long as you're not crossing anyone's boundaries >
  
  I disagree. I think you need a certain level of experience with social encounters to be able to notice when someone is making an effort. If the other person is also inexperienced and in their eyes, it's THEM who's being weird, you can't expect them to be able to notice you and adapt. And either way it has nothing to do with the GOODNESS of a person >
  
  Networking is a skill (which I suck at cause I’m ‘weird’).
  People that appreciate the effort usually aren’t the ones deciding on your promotion/salary increase/etc. Not being ‘weird’ is goddamn hard and hardly ever appreciated in my experience. 
  If you are looking for real friendships find someone as ‘weird’ as you and don’t compensate. >
  
  All skills require consistent practice to develop and maintain. Being eccentric or having unusual interests is one thing; being able to read other people and put them at ease is another. You can do the latter while still being true to yourself. >
  
  This is true…my job forces me to be social and to engage people who are involuntarily present at corporate events. These people turn out to be the more humorous and interesting than the company’s party-animals. >
  
  More like neurotypical people recognise when someone with Autism or ADHD’s mask slips. Feeling like you need to ‘learn how to socialise’ and ‘pretend to be normal’ are classic signs of masking, which is a common tool Autistic/ADHD people use to fit in, hiding their ‘weirdness’. Research it people, you’re weird for a reason. >
  
  i fully agree and often felt these pressure of fitting in >
  
  Same. ADHD, neurotypicals perceived me as "childish". My slow maturing hasn't helped that either, I still look much younger than I am, approaching 30 that is finally useful, lol. I turned into a listener quite quickly, I also learned to not get actually excited about stuff that I am passionate about. Information dumping is annoying to most, so I just shut up, listen, affirm and follow up. People like to talk about themselves way more than listening. >
  
  Yeah this is me too as well >
  
  Yes, that's true. Good people are more likely to appreciate your effort to socialize and are less likely to judge you for being a little weird. It's important to remember that everyone has different personalities and ways of communicating, and it's okay to be yourself. However, if you're concerned about coming across as weird, it's always a good idea to be polite and respectful, and to show genuine interest in others. >
  
  It has nothing to do with being good or bad.  People can be good and socially oblivious or bad and socially perceptive.  Honestly, I'm not sure where you came up with that idea. >
  
  OP is just saying "I wish more people would recognize that I'm trying." >
  
  Which is not a shower thought >
  
  Remember too that how you are scrutinizing yourself, is exactly how others are scrutinizing themselves. Everyone is too worried about themselves to spend time judging you. >
  
  That isn't true though. Some people scrutinize themselves immensely, and others barely at all.
  Also, some people spend little time judging others, while others do it constantly. Some people do it just to have fun and with a good sense of humor, while others really tear down other people who they barely know.
  I really dislike these kind of responses that, to me, are lying to people with anxieties. People absolutely are judging you. As much as you think? Probably not. But it's happening and it's something you need to face and work through and accept. It's really no big deal. >
  
  Yea the "too worried about themselves to judge you" idea has some validity , but it's for sure no absolute truth in some social circles . I sure as hell know people who barely self reflect but will judge others  instantly.
  Humans love to gossip. Sometimes you'll be the butt of the joke. And sometimes you decide to adapt to fit in better but most of the time the key is, like you said, to realize it's nbd and keep doing you >
  
  So real, emotionally mature/kind people don’t need to emphasis the flaws of other people, but love them through it.
  Likewise, if you feel like you’re the socially awkward person, a boundary for yourself is to respect yourself and not get wrapped up into how other people see you. If you’re treating other people kindly, and not inserting yourself into business that isn’t your own. When you focus deeply on how other people treat you, you aren’t respecting yourself. >
  
  Okay so I honestly needed this. My husband has a huge group of friends, and I am sincere when I say they are all, to a person, incredibly kind, intelligent, thoughtful, fun, and funny people. I am awkward, quiet, weird, and stressed in social situations. We have yearly parties and camping trips and I've never felt excluded, I'm always invited and included, and everyone seems to know when I need some extra time or space.
  I'm always terrified of being so awkward in group situations and terrified that this group doesn't really like me. But they do, and for some reason this showerthought really brought that home. So thanks. >
  
  I'm glad it was helpful. I too consider myself lucky to be friend with the kindest people who accept me the way I am. >
  
  No matter how good or friendly a person is, he surely can't recognise mine as I'm completely unable to socialise >
  
  Honestly this feels less like a shower thought and more like just a good tip >
  
  No one is meaner to you than you are to yourself. Chances are people like you. >
  
  basically every post on this sub is not a shower thought anymore but these mods are worthless so it doesn't matter >
  
  The point is that any social skills have to be learned. Start it slowly and don't stop.