comment: >
  
  That's assuming that you're only dating with the goal of settling down into a long term relationship...
context: I don't think this should be unpopular, but I don't think it's completely necessary to cram ALL of them into the first date. Ask them about a few of the non-negotiables between casual conversation, covering them all in the span of a couple dates. Unless you want to spend the whole date vetting them and not having any time to enjoy it that is. >
  
  The only aim on a first date is to ascertain (i) if there is chemistry, and (ii) if so, if that chemistry is or could be romantic. Everything else can come later. >
  
  And must come later. Shitty people will tell you what you want to hear. Otherwise simply asking 'are you a narcissistic user of people' would save a lot of headaches. Unless you require documentation as well >
  
  No farting or I'm dumping you Barbara >
  
  We're coming to get you, Barbara! >
  
  You've got red on you >
  
  I mean, if you want it to feel more like an interview than a first date, sure that's an approach. Might turn off a lot of potential partners that way.
  I certainly believe the big stuff and the deal breakers should be discussed early (and I don't think that's unpopular) but cramming it all into the first date is kind of unnecessary. >
  
  Do you want kids? Are you religious? Same bank account or separate? Caregiver of our elderly parents? 
  Why are leaving? I still haven't asked what your family health history is!! >
  
  I think the first two are okay, but after that yeah it gets weird. >
  
  Yeah I feel like briefly talking about religion if it comes up naturally is awesome. 
  It has really endeared me to some partners because we started having a pretty deep conversation really early on, especially after a little wine or whatever. It's really nice to actually learn about the person you're going on a date with, especially if you're like me and get kinda bored with small (or small-er) talk sometimes if you're dating around.
  And it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up. >
  
  
  And it's REALLY easy to smell red flags once religion comes up
  
  What do red flags smell like? >
  
  Rather like tomatoes one might imagine >
  
  That's what dating sites like OKCupid are for. You put your non-negotiables in, and then don't hit on or accept dates from people who don't meet those. >
  
  For anyone wondering why conservatives are having to fake being liberals to get dates via apps. >
  
  I want to know what stage of life they're at and their core values. If they don't align then I'm not going to spend my time explaining my non-negotiables and potentially offend them or make myself feel vulnerable and obligated to justify my views.
  I struggle with communication at times, so can understand why being this direct has appeal though. >
  
  I think core values and stage of life fall under non-negotiables. >
  
  Good point, and agreed 100%, imo those parts are often percieved in general conversation without adding the pressure of considering someone as a potential partner though, so haven't felt the need to ask directly yet.
  If things have gone well, I'm content to give them a couple dates to be comfortable enough to have those deep conversations. I value being direct from the start, but I'd also rather a genuine answer than a defensive/awkward one. Waiting for one date or a couple doesn't seem that long in the big scheme of things tbh. I defo get it done early though, it's not my responsibility if someone doesn't know how to communicate their needs and I've given them every opportunity to. >
  
  I would probably say second date, but I agree that it should be discussed very early on. I think this is easier as we age and don’t want to waste time. >
  
  The second date sounds about right to me.  The first date is for deciding if I like them.  If listening to them talk makes me want to fall asleep, or if they treat the server like crap, then I don't need to know whether they want kids or not. >
  
  This is my exact philosophy on dating. Tons of people want kids or pets or whatever other thing. I don’t necessarily vibe with all those people just because we share the same vague life goals. >
  
  Or, even better, when online dating out the details of your non negotiables in your profile. That way you don’t need to waste time and money on dates that could never lead to a relationship. >
  
  I wish more people did this. It really would save a lot of time >
  
  It baffles me that people can be a year into dating when the topic of marriage and children comes up… and they are trying to compromise then and both end up feeling resentment instead of just getting with someone who has the same priorities in the first place >
  
  I think you are overestimating how quickly people fall in love.  There is more than enough time after the first date to discuss these things. >
  
  Why waste time with someone who wants things completely different than you do? >
  
  What is this about wasting time? Are you people in a race or something? You’ll find out if you’re compatible or not by the 4th or 5th date. Relax. >
  
  So you’re into wasting time in a relationship that will go nowhere. Got it. >
  
  I’m just saying, what’s the rush? It sounds like you think you need to churn out dates at a very fast rate for some reason. 
  A relationship isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s something you experience and enjoy.  You’re not gonna find a partner by trolley dash-ing from one first date to the other until you find someone who meets all your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria. >
  
  There’s no point in entertaining a relationship or the idea of one who you have wildly different views on things that cannot be changed. If I know I never want kids but that person does there’s no reason for us to continue seeing each other outside of being friends and no reason to entertain the idea that they can one day change my mind. If you want to get deep into a relationship before realizing you and the other person have extremely different views and wants that’s fine but it’s stupid when it could’ve been avoided by being upfront initially. >
  
  Nobody is saying you have to get deep into the relationship, though. >
  
  Even before. The amount of time I saved by telling straight up I don't want kids, and my mind couldn't be changed is just enormous. >
  
  Funny enough, my wife was adamant she didn’t want kids. I did but it wasn’t a deal breaker and I didn’t have a strong opinion on it anyway. Five years into our marriage and she came to me wanting to have a kid. Just keep in mind often, but obviously not always, opinions and feelings can change. >
  
  The childfree people will hate this comment lol >
  
  Rabidly child-free people hate most things ime lol >
  
  The first date might be a bit extreme, but I  can agree that those things should come out very early. 
  I knew a guy, he generally had terrible advice, but he did say something that stuck with me. He said figure out the top seven things you want in a mate, and out of that seven, figure out three that are non negotiable. You should know where a person stands on those three within the first few weeks of dating. For most people, this is probably two or three dates at most. >
  
  Let's first figure out if we even like spending time together and if there's any attraction before we start getting clinical about things.
  Besides, "non-negotiables" in my experience are usually more hypothetical than anything. Yes, certain things (no abusiveness, etc) should go without saying but things like "Must be into country music, must vote this certain way" etc are actually easily negotiable if you meet someone you really like. >
  
  When I read that it's more like, "I want to have kids someday" / "I never want to have to have kids."  May was well get that out of the way quick.  Dating Apps have their flaws, but at least it lets people be up front about these things.  I can immediately swipe left on anyone who says both "looking for long term relationship" and "doesn't want kids". >
  
  That and marriage, career goals, religion, being open to move >
  
  I can’t imagine why anyone who’s serious looking for a life partner would think anything else >
  
  Guess I figure the fist date is just to see if you can even carry a conversation. A few dates later to just see if we are compatible in bed. Unless you are in a hurry, dating can just be fun and casual. Not every date is step towards a long term relationship. I figure when these topics come up naturally is when someone you are dating is growing to become a potential long term relationship. >
  
  i feel as if it could come up naturally on the first date. whether or not each party is serious and is looking to settle down. i couldn't imagine spending a couple hours with a potential SO and not asking what they're looking for out of this whole thing. >
  
  No, that just makes it seem too forced and like I’m engaging into a contractual obligation with the other person at that point. It’s normal to experience shit you don’t like in someone else when getting to know them, and using communication when you get to that point to either agree or disagree is more important than just listing off the shit you like or don’t like at the very first instance of interacting with someone. >
  
  I mean... that's what OkCupid did. Been awhile since I've been in the dating scene, is it no longer popular?