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Get a bidet. After living in Japan I will never live in a house without a bidet toilet seat.
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Not exactly on point but I'm right handed and recently severely burned my right hand. Have you ever tried to wipe with your off hand? Truly a humbling experience. >

I've only ever wiped with my off hand, figured thats the proper my whole life for some reason, I guess if i swapped to my main hand it would feel weird now >

Same, always wipe with the non-dominant hand… always have.  Isn’t that kinda why we offer the dominant hand when shaking hands?  So you’re not offering the wiping hand? >

Wait until you hear about this thing called hand washing >

Wait until he hears about left handed people >

I’m left handed and wipe w my right >

I'm right handed and have a left handed guy wipe my ass >

Your dads a lucky guy >

We gave up the ability to lick our own butts in favor of the greater benefits of walking upright >

Thats why you get a friend to do it for you. >

The real reason we evolved to be social creatures with complex social structures. It was all originally designed around butthole cleaning hierarchies. >

Everything makes sense now >

Everyrim makes sense now >

Getting those problems licked >

Wipe on wipe off >

Mr. Miyagi... Is that you? >

A bear  and a rabbit are shitting in the woods.
The bear says to the rabbit, “Excuse me, sir, but do you have the problem of shit sticking to your fur?”
The rabbit considers the question a moment and goes, “Why no, I don’t.”
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.
— paraphrased from Eddie Murphy >

Just thinking.. Wouldn't it better if shit did stick to the rabbits fur? >

Probably should be phrased “…do you have a problem with…”, would make a lot more sense. >

Yep, he fucked up the joke >

Isn’t that also part of Eddie’s joke? He talks about people misremembering it and fucking it up after. >

I'm Mr T I'll rip your cock off with my ass! >

That’s why I like projectile diarrhea.  Shoots out of there so fast doesn’t even touch the outer butthole. No fuss no muss >

Discuss >

Disgust >

After a bidet installation, you will go to great lengths not to shit anywhere else. >

40 years never used a bidet.  Bought one several years back on a suggestion from some coworkers because of hemorrhoids.  Now I hate shitting anywhere but my house with my bidet. >

How did your issue of hemorrhoids come up in a discussion with coworkers? >

Complain about not being able to sit, after making a lot of noise.  Someone jokes about 'your hemorrhoids flaring?'  I say yes.  Talk goes to what type of pillow they use to sit on.  Someone else mentions how they use a bidet and it made a difference, yada yada.
Pretty innocuous really.  But it got me thinking about actually trying a bidet, and they weren't expensive.  I mean shockingly cheap and easy to install too.  Took like 15 minutes to install.
And now I'll always try to poop where there's one available, which means at home mostly, because I rarely find anyone else has one. >

My bidet has a night light, heated seat, 4 different wash modes, unlimited warm water,  and a seat sensor. Oh, and a blowdryer. Shit somewhere else now? I don't know if I could >

Unlimited warm water? >

Yeah, there are models with an inline heating element on the incoming water supply. >

That would be a game changer. I use a lot of water. >

Bidets now fit between the seat and the toilet for 20 bucks.. life changing! >

My wife and I got our first last month. I was very against it. Now I am very not. >

I bought one a few years ago simply because it was on clearance for $5.00. I tried it out and was pleasantly surprised. I feel like a caveman when I’m not at my house now. I bought another for our other bathroom. I’m the only one in a family of five that uses it. I just cannot convince anyone else. 🤷‍♂️ >

FYI, they have portable ones for travel. Something as simple as an adapter for a water bottle, or as fancy as rechargeable one with it's own tank. I have a rechargeable one. It's not as nice as my heated do it all for you model at home but it sure makes travel more civilized. >

I almost bought that just for its name. They’re so expensive where I am though that I’m still on the fence. >

They are effective, you get a decent amount of pressure from them. I think they sell them singley too. >

You're also supposed to squat to poop, but we don't do that in the west. Squatting usually results in a cleaner evacuation requiring minimal cleaning. >

And I vaguely remember that it also lines up your innards better as well, causing a more complete evacuation? >

Squatty potty is the best thing I ever bought >

I have a squatty potty stool and a really nice Toto bidet.  I loathe shitting away from home. >

Public restrooms 🤮 >

Wise words from Andy Dwyer “I‘ll wipe and I’ll wipe and wipe. Still poop. Still poop. It’s like I’m wiping a marker or something” >

Jokes aside, when this happens you are likely constipated and should up your fiber intake >

Apparently I've been constipated for 33 years. >

Given modern diets, it's entirely possible you've had digestive issues for that long. >

Evolutionarily, our buttholes evolved long before our mouths even. In embryo, one of the first physically defining features that forms in most high order life is an opening called a blastopore, which in the case of vertebrates (and some other species) becomes our butthole. Deuterostomes - and therefore humans - are morphologically kind of just complex support systems built around the evolutionary advent of buttholes. >

So I am an asshole? >

Jose, you are more than just an asshole, youre the whole works. Youre the large intestine and the small... the pancreas, liver and the gallbladder. Youre an entire waste system, perfectly curated just the way you are. Dont let ANYONE tell you who you are! Now be free like your flatulalence and dissipate into the wind! >

I am Jack's colon. I am Jack's raging bile duct. I am Jack's cold sweat. I am Jack's complete lack of surprise. >

A hundred times....still poop. >

I knew what scene that was before I clicked. >

yup >

And gawd did say unto the world - let there be bidets- and there were - and the butts did rejoice for they were clean and shiney hineys >

For me worst part of visiting Europe or the US is the lack of bidets my poor butt always ends up hurting when I repeatedly wipe it with toilet paper 
And I always wonder how do millions of people live like this >

But the only place on your body that can bleed and not be poisoned by the feces >

I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure buttholes can get infections just like anything else >

Hemorrhoids beg to differ >

God i just had my first one and it was an absolute nightmare. No one prepared me for that shit >

Witch hazel is a friend >

Oh I was packing witch hazel wipes and lidocaine cream 24/7. The damn thing burst and was leaking for days, I had to resort to menstrual pads 😭 >

warm epsom salt soaks are amazing, highly recommend. also eat lots of fiber and drink lots of water. this may sound counterintuitive, because you'll shit more, but they should be smoother and less aggravating to the hole.
I bleed from my ass for almost 2 years due to hemroids and a fistula. Fistulas are fun. Had two buttholes basically. sliced it open down the length of tge second hole then sewed up.
was actually not as bad as it sounds, but it did take forever to heal until I started doing the fiber, water and Epsom salt soaks.
sorry for the horror. >

Daamn nah i appreciate the info. I drink lots of water but i am terrible at keeping up on the fiber supplement lol. My diet could use some work too cause yeah i never expected to get this at 27 >

Buy some psyllium husk powder, basically metamucil.  Mix or blend it with water, TONS of fiber. Great stuff. EVERY DAY is a 1 wipe day for me. >

If you are having an excessive wiping problem then I have one word for you, fiber. >

Actually just got food poisoning and have been literally shitting non stop
Not so much the quantity of wipes per shit. But the quantity of shits overall :( >

Just wait until it stops then shower. >

Or combine the two. >

Waffle stomp >

It's better to shit in the shower than to shower in shit.
-Sun Tzu (Source: trust me bro) >

oh man this made me laugh wish i could give u an award >

The area is clearly designed to be licked clean, with a lapping motion similar to a cat drinking milk. 
~ Research by profs B. Dae and Lou Role. >

Lol >

A large part of the world cleans with water. Because it’s more sanitary. >

This comment is far too low. The Brits, when in India, looked down on Indians for not wiping. The irony is just right there in the face. >

One of the best things about living in Asia is that your asshole is always clean. >

Just use a bidet man. There are handy squeeze bottle versions of it. >

Got one from Amazon for like $25, super easy installation even on my ancient toilet, never going back. >

Link?  Assking for a friend's butthole. >

Challenge accepted.  Said not my anus. >

No other species I know wipes their butt. Maybe it’s not meant to be wiped 🤷‍♂️. It’s too late at this point, I guess. >

You've never seen a dog or a cat drag their butt across the carpet? >

Isn’t that for scratching an itch? There are a lot of instances where dogs or cats poop and go on with their day without the butt drag. >

Dogs don't wipe. They might scratch-sled ... but no they don't wipe. Their crimping mechanisms are sufficient. We're the ones with globulous butt cheeks, butt hair where the large print gives it and the small print takes it away, and shit of a consistency that is better for coloring than for crimping. And don't get me started on hemorrhoids. Even the spelling is evil. >

Can you imagine walking around with a hairy, matted, rat nest of a butthole back in the day? I need to know the history of how butt wiping evolved. >

People had to live near water sources. You cupped and splashed. Hand bidet.
Also, cloth has existed for a while, and scraps of hide. >

Must have sucked to live in the village down river >

Also sucks to live in a van down by the river >

Actually not. Source: have loved in a van down by the river and would do it again. >

Shocked ive made it this far with no mention of the poop knife >

I'm just shocked at the words "poop knife". The fuck is that? >

Some knife that a family that took weirdly huge shit’s hung outside their bathroom. They passed it around to each other when they needed to manually cut up their shit in order to flush it. OP thought every fam had one growing up. Ya know typical weird ass Reddit shit ;) >

Oh. That makes perfect sense, on reddit. Thanks for the info. >

Anytime :) >

all hail the bidet with a warm water setting. artic BORTHOLE at two am is not it. >

Most places on earth have butt spray next to toilet. It works. >

Ooooooohweeeeee, saw a post about poopie buttholes and had to jump in. >

Username checks out. >

assuming people had balanced diets and healthy poop water and one wipe would have sufficed back then? >

Bro they just bathed or stank of shit >

Sometimes I see Reddit posts and I think 'some of these guys are not like the others and actually I'm pretty sure they might have a medical issue they should see a doctor about ' >

Whenever it comes up I just scroll through wide eyed and in shock at how some people live the way they do.. if every time you shit you spray crap onto your balls, or are there for 30 minutes, or have to wipe so much your arse bleeds - SOMETHING IS WRONG >

At least we don’t have to lick your buttholes clean like dogs and cats. >

Seriously why are we the only animal that has to deal with shit to this level? Like why can’t we just poop and have nothing to clean up? >

There are too many of us. Imagine, every morning in a city, a million poops thrown outside windows. >

I think a big part of the mess is because we also didn’t evolve to sit horizontally on toilets. It’s why elevating your legs (“squatty potty”) can make a huge difference in how cleanly you expel >

Or cleanly. 
If we were gonna lose hair anywhere, it should have been there. >

There’s a reason a good chunk of the world uses some form of water (bidets, lotas, etc) to clean, then only wipe to dry off after. >

Hallelujah! Guess a dirty bunghole is part of American exceptionalism too. >

Toilet wipes are the answer. Use one or sometimes two and job done >

I never go anywhere without them. Paper first to absorb all of the moist bits that otherwise get smeared around, follow up with wipes to clean up the rest that clings to the skin. >

Exactly. Washing your butthole is the only right and properly butthole-friendly way to clean your butthole. >

Chuveirinho my friends. 
That butt hose in the bathroom instead of bidet will make your life better…
I don’t understand how we come of evolve to such heights and treat even our shoes better than our butt. If a friend comes to me and says that he dirtied his air Jordan’s and I give him toilet paper, he’ll say FU, but our own asses… mental… >

MURICA! Toilet paper and the imperial "system" - Anything else is a communist plot. >

"Just because you cant see your bunghole doesn't mean you should ignore it." heh heh heh >

Humans also weren’t designed to eat a dozen taco bell tacos and mountain dew I’m sure it was different when we just ate grass and pigs >

It blows my mind that people can just shit, wipe and go on about their day without washing their ass. >

Imagine the hemorrhoids If we had invented taco bell but were still using corn cobs >

This post, brought to you by the culture that has a word for residual shit on your ass crack >

We use conventional methods now. Tongues aren’t just used for taste, y’know. >

You can buy Hand-Bidets. Basically a Pump bottle. But it's cheap and you can fill it with warm water wich is nice. >

This is why we pressure wash our buttholes in the Middle East >

Apart from the weather the toilet 🚿 is the thing I miss the most about living there. It's nice to be properly clean all the time. >

i never understood why anyone would use dry toilet paper when you can use wet ones tbh >

I evolved into a human that always has baby wipes on him. Bidets are nice, but what if you need to make some playdoe on the go, savages? >

Thank you for the new example of what to say when people say "vaccines aren't natural" >

White Castle has not been present for the vast majority of evolutionary process. >

I spread my cheeks super far before sitting so everything comes out with minimal contact with anything else. Then it’s pretty much just the hole I’m wiping and one wet wipe does the trick there. >

For 2 seconds, it can come in hand if your driving on a two lane highway, to watch out for last second head on collision >

I doubt our bodies have evolved that much since toilet paper became a thing? 🤔 >

Because that's not how evolution works. OP's butthole not withstanding multiple wipes doesn't impact his survivability. >

tell me you have hemorrhoids without telling me you have hemorrhoids >

I mean, our bodies evolved to take deuces at a full squat, which spreads your cheeks apart, and our diet should involve a bunch of fiber so our poop should be soft, yet solid, so reside should be at a minimum. Though being sick or improper diet would cause a mess, which I'd assume we'd find a nearby water source to clean ourselves with. >

Get a bidet. Ignore the haters, change your life for the better. Go for a nice one not those $75 pieces of shit (no pun intended)