>

It’s a sign that they might need to up their water intake.
What no beverages does to a mf >

My cubicle neighbor and I got a mutual little fridge for our beverages, it’s great. >

We hid this huge toaster oven with a grill on top and a rotisserie attachment under our main work bench for a very long time when I was nightshift maintance. No one seemed to ask why we had a chicken in the ops office freeze or fridge. >

Never seen someone so triggered over another adult holding a cup >

Had a moment of weakness, haha. Tired of getting called out about not having a coffee. 
Windchime, where's your coffee?
Windchime, this meeting is 3 hours so don't forget your coffee.
Omg, did you finish your coffee already? Do you need to go get another one? Cuz it's totally fine, windchime, we already have our coffee so we can hold the fort down while you go get yours. >

It reads like your coworkers are actually trying to be nice to you?
Long meetings do wear down the soul though. >

They're concerned I'm changing the system. If a higher up sees I can do a good job at a moderate pace without having to spend 90 collective minutes a day making or sourcing beverages, they might hold others to that standard. >

Guessing you haven't been in an office environment long. They're not "concerned you're changing the system". I guarantee that your superiors do not give half a shit that you don't drink coffee, nor do they care that your coworkers spend time making coffee. Being the guy who thinks everybody needs to be busting their ass 24/7 does not put you in a good light, as it doesn't sound like you're in management. This doesn't sound like an issue with company culture, it sounds like a superiority complex.
Will say though, very unpopular opinion. Well done lol >

Reads like someone new in their career that idolize a workaholic culture >

Beverage culture? >

God damn hipsters and their beverages >

Fuckin beatniks always drinking water >

You seem pretty salty about all this. 
Hold on I think I got a water bottle nearby you can have.