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Why are ads never for the stuff I might actually buy? 

Statistically speaking, the ad makes it more likely that IF a product is something you may buy in the future their product is more likely to be the one that comes to mind.  You even prove it works in your post.
You remembered the ads for the various products, and even though you don't mention most of their names we're pretty sure you know it.

No, I won't be ordering a Domino's

No, but you'll advertise their brand name for free just because you saw their ad.  Also, the brand recognition might make someone else serving it to you (say, at a party) more acceptable which indirectly supports their business.

No, I don't need a new piano. Believe it or not the one I bought last year (the only reason you're advertising this to me) hasn't crumbled to dust yet.

It's scary to me they know you are a potential Piano customer, and will for all time.  Maybe not now, but if your Piano does crumble to dust you'll remember their ads and possibly think 'their brand didn't crumble, maybe I give them a try'.  Either way, we can all be certain there will be a Piano ad in your future closer to when that happens.

No, I don't need to set up a dating profile.

Are you sure you don't? 😘   Ad profiling has gotten scary good.  Father received ads for diapers and when looking into it discovered the company knew his teenage daughter was pregnant before he did based on her search queries and purchase of a test.
Point is, ads aren't there just to get you to buy their product on an individual level (although they will as you know advertise directly to you if they can).  They are also for brand awareness, cultural influencing (think equating beer with sexy even though it makes you a sloppy tubbo), etc...  It sucks I agree, but like Terminators, they won't stop until you are dead.
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The 99% that's skipped is baked into the cost of the 1% that buy. >

Surely there aren't 1% buying? I mean, I must see a few hundred "targeted" ads daily yet have never made a single purchase that's been positively affected by them. On the other hand, I've avoided many travel agents, mobile games, insurance companies and online retailers because their advertising seemed a bit desperate so I didn't trust them.
I'd be shocked to learn anyone I know has ever bought something based on an online ad, but expect most have avoided using a given company because the ads put them off. >

Great. No, it's not actually 1% obviously. Using an example. 
Advertising does work, which is why it is a big business, and you're just the cost of doing business. If you never buy a product that you've ever seen ad for, I'd be somewhat surprised. Lot if it is simply subconscious, building brand awareness. >

Don't get me wrong, I've seen ads for products I'm already familiar with through having bought them before. I suspect the majority alive today tried Coca Cola before ever being old enough to understand an ad for it.
However, I genuinely seem to get the same dozen or so ads on an endless loop (excluding the mobile games advertised which I'm sure we can agree are essentially scams). I remember Coke's Christmas ads from childhood, but haven't seen one in years. Meanwhile, I can tell you I will never organise a holiday through Expedia, insurance through Direct Line nor download any dating app no matter how heavily they advertise to me. >

I would wager a guess that those scam mobile game ads have some of the best click through rates. I hate them too.
I work in the industry (I know, booo, hiss). I work at a large publisher and we have high advertising standards, so there aren’t ads for fake mobile games and or pop ups and intrusive shit etc. There is a ton, ton, ton of money in it and 1.5% is generally considered a pretty healthy click through rate. We’re not even talking about conversions (buying) I’m just talking clicks.
Some advertisers don’t even care about conversions, or even clicks for that matter. Jeep knows you aren’t buying your next wrangler online, they just want you to see their ad and remember that Jeeps exist so you go check one out. They might have interactions in their ad to try to coax you into getting more info without leaving the new article you’re reading, but the reality is, you’re going to a dealership, not their website, to purchase. Most people ignore ads, but you see more than you think you do. >

Well done for avoiding advertising the games, wish there was a way for me to avoid them at my end.
Surely it would be better for Jeep if they advertised what's meant to be so good about a Jeep though? Is it good milage? High torque for towing? Spacious?
I suspect advertisers are so afraid of being called out for false advertising that they just avoid saying anything about the product at all. This leaves the ad feeling desperate, like a kid who couldn't think of anything to write on their homework so they drew a dinosaur and a castle instead. >

Oh sure, Jeep ads have all those things, we see ads that you click into every aspect of the car and learn about the seats, steering wheel, climate control, mileage, etc. It’s just an understanding that the significant minority of people are going to do that, so you’re really just trying to get people into dealerships with brand recognition.
Like Coke again for another example. No one expects you to buy coke online, they just want to remind you that you forgot to put coke on your shopping list. The ads still have a video with a polar bear and stuff, but even the most clickiest of ad clickers have very little reason to click a Coke ad.
No one really gets called out for false advertising, as we see with those frustrating mobile game ads. Different publishers have different standards, but some are more automated than others. Many just pull ad supply from google, yahoo, or the trade desk and don’t control their own ads. It’s an interesting world, I’ve been in it for a long time and I’m also surprised by how much money is in it. Especially around Black Friday and the Super Bowl. >

Effective marketing can still affect people subconsciously even if they aren’t fully paying attention. >

Yep, and it will marinate over time. Even if they aren’t looking to make a particular purchase, if they know someone who is, they recommend a product to someone based on some ad they barely recall! 
The research behind all of this stuff is 🤯 >

You say this, but I can confidently say that none of what's been advertised to me in the past week has any chance of being a future purchase, or even considered as an option.
No, I don't want to download your freemium game of the week.
No, I'm not interested in taking out life insurance.
No, I don't need to set up a dating profile.
No, I don't need a new piano. Believe it or not the one I bought last year (the only reason you're advertising this to me) hasn't crumbled to dust yet.
No, I won't be booking a trip anywhere any time soon. And if I do, I'll hunt out the cheapest flights and accommodation as always.
No, I won't be ordering a Domino's. For that price, I actually could feed a family of four rather than accepting that a meal sold with two cans of coke is priced to feed four people.
And finally, I won't be downloading RAID, Shadow Legends. Any game advertised that heavily yet with no word of mouth beyond mocking the level of advertising must be truly awful.
Why are ads never for the stuff I might actually buy? Targeted advertising seems to be worse than random. The only one I ever get that's vaguely relevant is the occasional trailer for WWE's next big show, which any intelligent algorithm should realise I'm already a fan of and therefore well aware it's happening.