comment: >
  
  Taking the time to express your love in ways others can understand it is what is neede most atleast for me. Like the father in the story my parents tried to give me hugs through their actions, but unfortunately I was waiting for actual hugs.
context: Many people have mentioned that people express love differently, and that’s true. That’s where the whole idea of love languages comes from. People simply speak different love languages, and knowing what their love language is goes a long way to making them feel loved. 
  An example… my love language is physical touch. My wife’s is receiving gifts. So what does that mean? I can hug, kiss, pat, or touch my wife until the cows come home, but it doesn’t have the same effect as bringer her a Kit Kat home from work, or giving her a binder clip (yes a binder clip… she kept that thing on her nightstand for years). Conversely, she can get me the most thoughtful gifts but I don’t feel nearly as loved as when she jokingly slaps my ass ass I walk by or briefly puts her hand on my back. 
  The point is we can screaming I LOVE YOU in our language but if it isn’t theirs then they just don’t hear it. >
  
  I don't think love between two grown adults can be compared with the love between a parent and a child.   The issue here is parents failing to understand the love language that their children needs, and as you said you can scream "I love you" but if it isn't in their love language they just don't hear it. >
  
  I’m not comparing a relationship between two adults and a parent and child. They are both dependent on recognizing the others language.  Properly expressing that love is definitely key, but speaking someone else’s love language is super hard to do. It’s also important that we recognize what others are doing to express their love. >
  
  As I have mentioned before expecting a literal child to be aware and understanding about your emotional reservations while not cluing them in about it is asking too much. You can't expect a kid to have the same level of understanding as an adult. And frankly if you absolutely unable to be flexible with how you share your affection or feelings you probably shouldn't be a parent. >
  
  No of course not. But as the child grows hopefully they’ll be able to recognize all those things their parents did was in fact love. Granted that doesn’t do a whole lot in the moment of youth, but that’s where the parents should understand and adapt to the child. Sure I’ll even agree that if you are completely inflexible that will make you a bad parent, but flexibility is not the easiest of things for the best of people. Especially when it comes to raising kids because nobody is perfect at doing that. >
  
  I will agree with your post title, but not your explanation.
  Words are meaningless, unless they have actions too. The actions without the words can still be incredibly valuable.
  Would you rather have a parent who says they love you every day, but does nothing for you. Or a parent who doesn't say I love you specifically, but works hard to allow you to afford to have the things you need or want, shows up to your games/recitals/events, helps you with your homework, makes your favorite meals, etc. etc. 
  Sure in a perfect world everybody would be capable and willing to both say and do things to show their love. But actions are for more effective than words. >
  
  When I mentioned that you should put into words the love you feel, I wanted to point out my love language not say that outright saying "I Love You" is the only ways to let people know you love them. Words and actions are equally meaningless without the proper motivations. A parent can provide for their children motivated by their love for them as well as a feeling of duty. And having a comparatively better experience doesn't make wanting more bad. I can have parents who provide for me, but still hate how they make me feel abandoned emotionally. 
  Through you examples you differentiated the love languages a parent might prefer. But when you express your love for someone else you need to do so in their love language not yours. That's the only way to make people feel loved however uncomfortable it may be for you. Now adults may prove to be an exception to this but expecting a kid to be understanding about your emotional reservations on expressing parental affection is asking for too much. >
  
  But whether you feel loved or not, doesn't negative whether that person feels love for you.
  Why is your standard of you should learn to use my love language to express your love to me, more valid than I should learn to understand your love language to comprehend your love for me. 
  Let's use actual language, if I'm speaking English and youre speaking Mandarin, why is me saying you should learn English to speak to me, any more valid than I should learn mandarin to understand you? >
  
  If you love me but fail to express it that love exists only for you within your sphere. If I don't feel loved how else can I know that you love me. If you love somebody the least you can do is try to learn how to express it in a way in which imI can understand it as well. Otherwise it will be like me speaking Mandarin to you, I can only enjoy my own voice or rather only I can enjoy my love for you. >
  
  But if I am expressing it, and you just aren't comprehending it, why is the burden on me to express it differently, and not on you to appreciate the things I am doing. 
  If we are a couple and I am taking on extra shifts at work so that one day we can have your dream wedding, and then a beautiful home,  with a beautiful family, and go on vacations and live comfortably, and you would prefer to go out on dates more often. Why is the burden on me to figure out what you want, and give it to you in your way, to show you love? Why isn't the burden on you to figure out that I am doing this because I love you, and I want us to be happy together, and sometimes that means sacrificing some affection now, for a better situation down the road? 
  I really dont mean this to sound rude, I just see your side as a bit self-centered (which we all are some times). As in "I need you to love me, and show me you love me in the way that I want, or else it doesn't really count". Of course we all have our own desires, and wants, and needs. But it's important to know that not everyone is capable or comfortable of showing they love you in the way you want them to. That doesnt mean they don't love you, it just means that maybe you have to do some work and put in some effort to see the loving things that they did or are doing for you. Mom and/or Dad might have worked instead of going to your soccer game, and its easy to see that as them not being a great affectionate parent, but its also very possible they wish they were there, but they figured it was more important to pay the mortgage, and put food on the table, and keep you healthy, and pay for the activities you love. >
  
  
  Loving some body without expressing it is the same as not loving them at all.
  
  Love is an emotion that happens inside someone's body. Persons who feel love have different mental states and dopamine levels than persons who don't feel love, regardless of whether they communicate what they feel to the outside.
  While they may look indistinguishable from the outside, it doesn't mean that both are the same. >
  
  So you think that someone who shows their love gifts and care, but not verbally expressing it, is zero difference from someone who doesn’t care at all?
  I’m sure there are plenty of people who grew up with completely neglectful and absent parents who would have loved to have had parents that actually took care of them growing up, even if they weren’t that great at verbally expressing their affection. >
  
  Life can always be worse, why does that mean we can't want better? Many would say that I had a model upbringing, but that doesn't disqualify my experience growing up. Never letting your children know that you do truly love them until they are 30 and saddled with emotional damage is selfish and cruel. If you truly love someone, why keep them guessing? >
  
  But giving someone gifts and food is an expression of love. They did let you know through the ways they know how. >
  
  If told said something in Chinese to me right now, you would have technically told me about that piece of information. But did you really let me know? In the same way love can be expressed in many ways but if it can't be perceived or recognised, is it really love? >
  
  Have you heard of the 5 love languages? Just because you don't receive the type of love that they are communicating does not mean it's not present. You may strongly receive love through words of affirmation or quality time but maybe their love languages are communicated through gifts and acts of service. >
  
  A love language as I understand it is the medium in which you prefer to recieve affection, not the way in which you prefer to express it. Atleast for me when I try to express my love I share it through the other person's love language. Similar to how you should speak to a French person in French if you want to get your point across. Speaking in English and insisting that they should understand it because I expressed my point with my whole heart and soul doesn't really matter. >
  
  
  A love language as I understand it is the medium in which you prefer to recieve affection, not the way in which you prefer to express it
  
  Well you're wrong. It is literally a book called The 5 Love Languages.
  From the wiki on it:
  "It outlines five general ways that romantic partners express and experience love"
  It's often extrapolated outside the context of romantic partners and generally any relationship.
  You can be frustrated at your parents for not expressing love in the way you want to receive it, but I'd also ask you how many times have you expressed love towards them in the way they want to receive it? How many times have you made them food or bought them gifts? Just because you're frustrated at the communication disconnect, does not mean that the love was never present. Communication is the most vital aspect of any relationship. >
  
  I feel like you post takes a much softer stance than your title. Your post is just “parents should tell their kids they love them”. That is way different than a parent who does not say “I love you may as well but give a shit about you” which is a much easier point to argue. Would you rather a parent who is a great and nurturing parent that never says “I love you” but clearly does, or a parent who does the legal minimum to keep keep the government from taking you away, but says they love you constantly?
  While I’m on the topic is this about parent kid relationships or all relationships? Because I have friends I love (platonically) but have probably never said that too, but because I love them I would and have gone far out of my way to help them. That I would not have done for someone I didn’t care for. So they have been positivity impacted by the love even without being told. >
  
  I meet a lot of parents who say:
  "I love you and will do anything I can for you, but you cannot live with us anymore and I can't drive 1 hour to come see you every week" in the context of psychiatric hospitalisation of a 12-16 year old.
  How do you compare that to a parent that does allow their child to live with them and see to most of their needs? >
  
  Everyone interprets and appreciates love in different ways. Verbal expressions do very little for me-people have told me they love me or care about me when they clearly didn’t. Words are cheap and lies are easy (in my experience-some people need to hear these words and that’s ok too). 
  To me actions are the only thing that shows love-taking the time to help me with things, being around me, and sacrificing time to help me. Without those things, words or no words are all the same to me. >
  
  Do you think your love language was the same even when you were a child? The main point with using actions to express love is ensuring that it resonates with the ones who are to recieve it. My parents may express their love through actions but they failed to understand that I simply couldn't see it. Even when they understood that I couldn't see it, they chose to not change and that is the greatest issue. If you don't strive to let your love be known, do you really even love? >
  
  I think you’re coming to the wrong conclusion here. It isn’t “if you don’t strive to let your love be known” because they are expressing their love. You seem to be misunderstanding that the way they’ve chosen to express that love is different from how you want it expressed-but that doesn’t mean they aren’t expressing it.
  Your issue seems to be more “if you can’t identify how someone wants to be loved, then any expression of love is pointless”. Do you agree? >
  
  I believe that if you refuse to let your feelings be known by the object of your affections, then you are not really feeling love for them. Expressing love in ways that make you feel good about yourself while stringing somebody along, whether that be your child or some body else is just being selfish. Expression of emotion I believe should at least be able to perceived by those who are it's target, otherwise why are you even bothering
  Edit:If you are trying to express your affection but fail to do so and choose not to anything more you are actively choosing not to strive to let it be known. Expressing feelings in ways that can't be perceived or understood is akin to screaming into a void. And screaming in a void can only make yourself feel better it doesn't do anything for the other person. >
  
  But they aren't "refusing to let their feelings be known". They are expressing love the way that they express it.  
  Again, how does this change for someone who doesn't perceive verbal expressions as actual love? If you tell me you love me, it means nothing to me. Does that mean that you don't love me, simply because you chose a verbal expression? >
  
  My parents like many others understood very well that the methods they were choosing to express their love was not enough. But they actively chose to do anything more. Simply trying is not acceptable, when the consequences of not doing more is cursing your kid with a life plagued with abandonment issues and feelings of being unwanted.
  I believe expressing love succeeds only when the other person perceives your actions as expressions of love. I'm trying to point out how verbal expressions of love is not accepted by parents even when it could change their child's life. >
  
  
  Simply trying is not acceptable, when the consequences of not doing more is cursing your kid with a life plagued with abandonment issues and feelings of being unwanted.
  
  Do you believe this is 100% of the time the outcome of focusing affection on non-verbal affections?  That no child can ever be in a household with a focus on non-verbal affection and come out without abandonment issues? 
  Because I'll remind you what your original stance here was - 
  
  We love to talk about how our parents expressed their love through food or gifts thought not with words, but that's not at all comparable to actually sharing your affection and care
  
  You are saying here that shared experiences, time spent together, gifts etc are all improper ways of showing love, and the verbal way that you prefer is the ONLY appropriate way to express love. Is that really what you believe?
  Or perhaps do you believe that in your specific instance verbal love would've been better received? But this is not a universally superior method for all (or significantly all) people. >
  
  Most of the time instances of parents showing their love through actions such as cooking is tacked on after "they may not have said it". If actions are truly as efficient as words what is the need for that disclaimer? When the parental love that is recieved is more often preceded by a "but" I don't believe it was a  very good expression of feelings. 
  I never meant to say that affection cannot be shared through food or gifts, I meant that expecting a child to recognise your love language and emotional reservations without being clues in on it is asking too much. But I do believe that verbal affirmations and expressions of affection is a superior love language, especially when dealing with children.
  I put up anecdote simply as an example, one of many in which parents refuse to use verbal affirmations to show their love even when they know it would have been better recieved. I talked more about verbal expression of love because that is the love language that most asian parents absolutely refuse to use even when needed. Comparable examples for other cultures may exist, but I don't know about them. >
  
  
  Most of the time instances of parents showing their love through actions such as cooking is tacked on after "they may not have said it"
  
  I'm assuming this is a reference to people who complain about the lack of love from parents and the excuse of "they may not have said it" is then spoken to them? If so, isn't this only in reference to those who found an issue with the parenting style? Any who had it and felt loved would have no reason to bring this issue up at all.  I think you are falling prey to a sampling bias, as happy people aren't indicating a problem with things.
  
  But I do believe that verbal affirmations and expressions of affection is a superior love language, especially when dealing with children.
  
  Why do you believe this? Again - verbal affirmations mean nothing to me. As a child I learned that what I was told and the reality of the world were entirely different. Being told I was loved did nothing for the fact that I wasn't actually being supported.  I would argue verbal affirmations are the EASIEST form of showing love, and therefore the most likely to be empty facades.  Do you have any reason to believe they are superior?
  
  parents refuse to use verbal affirmations to show their love even when they know it would have been better recieved.
  
  How do you know these parents are actively and knowingly choosing not to verbally affirm their love? Parenting is difficult, it's hard to know how best to show your love especially when the recipient has a different preferred method of receiving love than that parent. Isn't it possible that this is simply an accidental omission instead of a purposeful one? >
  
  Different people have different ways to express love. As mentioned in your OP, Asian parents have their own way of showing it too. Just because their form of expressing love isn't what you want doesn't mean that they aren't showing it in their own way. >
  
  But these people themselves admit that they thought their parents didn't love them. I myself am an exemplary example for this. Due to my mother's aversion to emotional displays I thought she hated my very existence until I was 14 or 15. From age four onwards I was forced to sleep with my grandmother while my mother slept with my sister. This was due to issues between my father and mother, but unfortunately my mother withholding information as well as affection from me made me feel abandoned and alone. Love especially between a parent and child should be defined through affection, it doesn't have to be the western sitcom ideal but you have the responsibility to let the life that you brought into this world know that you value their existence. No amount of tasty food can cover the hole within somebody yearning for connection and affection. Parents deciding by  themselves that simple actions is love enough without taking into consideration the emotional turmoil a child can go through should be considered abuse. >
  
  
  But these people themselves admit that they thought their parents didn't love them.
  
  Which people? You only mentioned your own experience in your OP
  
  Due to my mother's aversion to emotional displays I thought she hated my very existence until I was 14 or 15. From age four onwards I was forced to sleep with my grandmother while my mother slept with my sister. This was due to issues between my father and mother, but unfortunately my mother withholding information as well as affection from me made me feel abandoned and alone. Love especially between a parent and child should be defined through affection, it doesn't have to be the western sitcom ideal but you have the responsibility to let the life that you brought into this world know that you value their existence. No amount of tasty food can cover the hole within somebody yearning for connection and affection. Parents deciding by themselves that simple actions is love enough without taking into consideration the emotional turmoil a child can go through should be considered abuse.
  
  Sorry that you had to go through all that it must've been hard. So, what you're saying right now is that parents should show affection to their kids? Is that correct? Judging from your reply it seems like you should probably edit your title or OP for clarity because I'm not sure what view you're actually looking to have changed now. >
  
  You can clearly see this idea of hidden love in instances were asian people especially share their life experiences, whether that be through reels,shorts or books. One person I can think of from the top of my head is The Korean Vegan. This attitude of asian parents towards their children is pretty well known, so it won't be very hard for you to find examples for yourself.
  As I mentioned in my post I'm not saying that you have to be as cheesy or cringey as a sitcom family. I just don't believe that expressing your love in a way in which it can't be perceived is not loving at all. That is "loving someone in your own way is not loving at all" it's just making yourself feel good.
  Edit: For further clarification I would like you to use a comparison. In the same way that pushing at a wall is not considered work done in physics because not change occurs even after energy has been expended. I don't consider love expressed in ways that the other person can't perceive love. >
  
  
  We love to talk about how our parents expressed their love through food or gifts thought not with words, but that's not at all comparable to actually sharing your affection and care.
  
  People have different ways of expressing their emotions. Some are vocal about them, some prefer to speak through actions. Why one is inherently worse than other?
  
  How is keeping your kids guessing about your love for them a good thing?
  
  You don't have to guess, your father explicitly said it to you - that he loves you but don't know how to express it. What do you expect more? If someone does not know how to do something, you can talk with them, you can teach them, you can assist them - but they are unlikely to just randomly be enlightened one day and "get it".
  How do you express your love is a thing that you learn, it's not something that everyone inherently knows. Your father probably expresses it in the same way he was shown when he was a kid and as this was good for him, he tries to be good to you. >
  
  Children are not known for their ability to take hints, but are famous for their ability to blame themselves for everything going wrong around them. Speaking through actions may be enough to show affection to a teenager, but not for a toddler. Does that mean children should just be okay with feeling abandoned or unwanted until they grow up enough to pick up on more subtle clues?
  The least that a parent can do is letting their child know that they appreciate their existence. If you're unable to put that into words but insist on communicating it through soup you shouldn't be a parent. 
  I did guess for a long time though, my father was more affectionate than my mother but even his actions felt shallow to me from a young age. I felt as if I was a burden to my family, they would take care of me but not love me. Him confessing to me after 16 years of silence doesn't mean shit. If I hadn't said anything he wouldn't have either. I don't believe it's my responsibility to teach my parents about love. The only affection in my family was borne from my efforts after years,and those efforts were made even harder because of how afraid I was of them rejecting me outright and proving my fears to be true.
  Assuming that I would do well enough under the same care he received doesn't win him any points. The fact is that my parents weren't emotionally mature enough to show affection to their child clearly nor could they recognise that I was a different person from them and  not their clone. >
  
  Do you know anyone who is autistic? >
  
  Not personally, no. Why do you ask? >
  
  Autistic people can express emotions very differently to neurotypical people, not just love but everything. They feel it but putting it on the outside in some way does not translate to someone else necessarily.
  Theres a great book called the curious incident of the dog in the night time, where the son does not like being hugged so shows affection as follows:
  "He held up his right hand and spread his fingers out in a fan. I held up my left hand and spread my fingers out in a fan and we made our fingers and thumbs touch each other. We do this because sometimes father wants to give me a hug, but I do not like hugging people so we do this instead, and it means that he loves me."
  This doesn't mean there's no love present or that they're incapable of love somehow, but when it comes to communicating that love they do it very differently or sometimes not at all if they aren't able to establish that communication.