>
Relationships take effort but they should not be difficult. You shouldn’t be fighting all the time, and you certainly certainly should never compromise on big issues. And they should show you respect. Not the “you must obey me” bs people try to pull but just respect your autonomy and respect you as a person. >

This is the answer. >

My wife and I have been married for almost 30 years. One son. Life can be a pain, but our relationship? Effortless and complimentary. >

I've been in a relationship over 3 years. Few arguments, but none of it is 'work' and has never felt like it. Ones in the past certainly had but that's just a cue to move on if it's chronic. >

Building a life together is work, and building a life together is long.
Which means there are inevitably going to be disagreements and frustrations.  You work through them if you want to build a life together.  Thus, relationships are work. >

Agreed. There’s no such thing as an effortless relationship. People have their limits, but if there’s zero effort to work through differences, then what’s even the point other than random convenience? >

How many relationships have you had OP? >

Lol, none. >


And I'm not talking about important life decisions like financials and having children. Building a life together is work, sure.
I'm specifically pointing out the "work" that people refer to when using this phrase.
Those who have said this in my life use it in a context when discussing disagreements or frustrations with their partner

i don't get this. generally disagreements and frustrations with long-term couples are about finances or having children; so why is this discounted? i mean what takes work is not about whether someone has left the toilet seat up. >

This is what I was thinking.
'Relationships should be easy'
'No I am not talking about all the discussions and things that go into making a relationship.  Those are supposed to be hard.' >

Doesn't sound like you've had much first hand experience in serious relationships.
Even two people who love each other deeply have a lot to overcome if they're going to stay together. That's where the work comes in. >

I haven't been in any relationships, and I know that they take work to maintain.
You are bringing two people with their own individual views, and tastes, and ideas, and trying to create one life together.  Of course there is going to be frictions and disagreements, and so on. >

I think it is "work", it's just if you love them, it (most of the time) does not feel like it and when it does, you know you can get through it because it's what you want more than anything. Finding someone who makes you want to try and makes trying fun and easy is truly the most rewarding thing >

Relationship is work. 
You need to think about the partner, you need to still put in effort every day, meaning you still have to cook for them as you did on the second date, you still have to give them attention, support and time, even if you don't always want to, you must be involved and offer what you also desire. 
That is work. It shouldn't be hard and draining since you love this person and get the same in return, but it's still work. >

I made this point to my ex roommate, who's already getting into fights with her bf. They've only been together for 3 months, moved in after 2 weeks, and started late night fights by the first month. I get consistent text throughout the week about another fight, another mental breakdown, 4 xanx just to calm down, ect. I'm like, it's been 3 months?? Should still be in the honeymoon phase imo. The other day, she came over just so she could shower in peace. Showed up all red eyes. After about 10 mins of venting, she admitted that she hated him yet said she can't leave? People are confusing. >

The "work" people refer to is to not stop dating your spouse and to not stop working on yourself. You've misconstrued it entirely. >

Everythin good in life is not easy. >

You've very obviously never been in a healthy long term relationship >

I don't know, I can't think of anything more than minor disagreement about home decor that I've had with my wife. So far both the day to day and planning for the long term has been pretty easy. Knock on wood because you never know what might happen in the future but so far everything has been pretty easy. >

Sounds lovely. But as you said yourself, you never knows what happens in the future. I feel like one doesn't truly know the strength and depth of their relationship, until they've been through something very life-altering together. Anything from death of a loved one, long term illness, children, financial strain or something along those lines. That's when you'll have to navigate the maze that is your relationship, while being challenged on the ability to stay completely levelheaded. How can you truly love someone, if you haven't consoled them at their lowest point, and have a fundamental understanding of how they'd approach such a situation?
It's like a part of the one you think you love is just completely gone from your view, and once you see it, you may not know if you can handle it. >

But you could continually say that, for example my wife was there for me when my dad passed and we grew closer but who's to say that if/ when my mom passes that it won't be worse to the point where it drives us apart? 
There can always be something worse in the future and you never know exactly how it will end or how the other person will handle it, even if you've been through something similar before. Sure you can make an educated guess based on past experiences but you still don't truly know.
Thus far our relationship has been easy even when other things in our life have been hard. If I was a gambling man I would bet that it will continue to be that way but I can't say that our relationship will always be easy, only that it has been so far. >

Yeah, I hope it didn't come off as if I was attacking your relationship. It sounds very good that your relationship is easy, my only point is that easy isn't necessarily the definition for good and/or healthy, but that's not to say it can't be. In your specific case, it definitely sounds just lovely! >

I'm sure there are many different versions of a healthy relationship and I'm not trying to say that once that aren't like mine are bad, just that they can occasionally be a walk in the park, for which I'm very appreciative of >

Ur mom is easy lulz >

Nice. >

I am curious on if you've ever been in a 7+ year relationship and built a life with anyone. My gut tells me you haven't. >

How old are you? Out of curiosity >

Agreed. I've been married for 7 years and people ask me if I'm tired of him yet. Why would I be? He's my best friend, lover, and confidant. It's so easy being with him. We very rarely argue and we love spending so much time together. When COVID happened honestly it was amazing for us. We have several friends who broke up during that time and I feel bad for them but my relationship is easy and I love him more than anything. If your relationship is hard it's half your fault and you just need to find someone who is easy to love and spend time with as long as you have the same life goals and same morals. >

I’ve been with my wife for 12 years, married for 8 years, and it’s easy for us too.
When I tell people we’ve never had a fight I get the typical “that’s not healthy!” nonsense, as if screaming at each other and not talking a few times a year is an ingredient we are are missing. 😂 >


Building a life together is work, sure.

That's what a relationship is though? It is building a life together. 
You are contradicting yourself if you say relationships are easy but then also admit that relationships are work. >

Life (including relationships) ain’t always easy. It ebbs and flows >

I totally agree.
Been married 26 years and not one day has been work.
We love and respect each other. More importantly, we like each other!
We have similar work ethics, common future goals and are compatible financially and sexually.
You need to be honest and upfront to find the right person for you.  It just takes communication. >

I don’t think you understand what most people mean when they say relationships are “work.” 
When you spend your life with someone, it means that you will end up navigating all of life’s challenges together. Mental health struggles, family tragedies, loss of loved ones, loss of jobs, children (and all of the challenges they bring), medical issues, major financial issues, etc. These are all things that can really put a relationship to the test, especially considering that you are two individuals who handle things differently and may or may not have different views on things or coping mechanisms. These are things that can drive couples apart if they don’t navigate them properly and communicate. 
“Work” also includes the fact that you should continue to date each other. The beginning is exciting. You can’t keep your hands off of each other, you’re all about each other and it’s exhilarating. But as years go by, and you settle in and get used to each other, that starts to slow down if you become complacent, which many couples do. You have to continue to put effort into the relationship and making your partner feel loved and wanted. If you don’t, there’s a chance that you’ll grow distant and basically become roommates who sleep in the same bed. This is something that can be overcome if both people want to put in the… dare I say it, work. The roommate phase, plus the issues I mentioned in the paragraph above can be worked through if both are willing. Why do you think relationship counseling is a thing? 
“Work” doesn’t mean staying in a toxic relationship, or one where you clearly don’t belong. Cheating, gaslighting, disrespect, etc. are not considered “downs” in a relationship that are expected. They are red flags. >

When compromise comes into play it's never easy >

Usually, when people say a relationship is work, they are talking about life building and not continuing to tolerate your partner. There are some people who think it is quirky to fight all the time, but this is something you see more online. No matter how much you love your partner, starting a life together is hard; finding a home, planning a wedding, raising children, maintaining fun activities (hobbies, vacations, outings), and managing finances are all stressful things that become more stressful when you have to coordinate it with someone else. >

This is so obvious that I was legitimately flummoxed to learn that some people think it isn’t. If you’ve ever been in a really good relationship, you know that your whole life gets easier, pretty much all the time. Even the hard moments seem comparatively easy when they pop up. Loving each other doesn’t mean your relationship is good or even that you should be together. Honestly most people who claim to be in love probably still make a bad couple. >

Unpopular opinions are supposed to be intelligible >

Two people trying to plan a family, financiers, schedules, careers, families, day to day life. Relationships are easy circumstances are not.