>

Studies show people who cheat do it because they can. It's not situational they just use situations to justify to themselves.
I agree in redemption just wanted to point out it wasn't the situation.
Eh. I believe you can go on and never cheat on someone else. But to the person you’ve already cheated on, you’ll never not be “the one who cheated” or whatever >

This. The person who cheated may go on to change and better themselves, but they will do that on their own and it sure af won't be with me. And no apology would ever be enough to make it up to me. >

That's fuckin right. >

Done >

There's always the chance a cheater might not cheat in a future relationship. 
But I think the odds of a cheater cheating on the same partner are very high if they got away with it the first time. 
Some people cheat for thrills. Other people cheat to escape the relationship and don't see any other way out. 
Not all cheating is the same, but most of the time, it's dirtbag trashy entitled behavior. >

the taboo is exciting to them, they know its wrong and thats what makes it fun, they care nothing for the pain they might cause. >

26 male, and I think you both just cured my heartbreak froma past relationship. Just hearing someone else say what I always thought. Or atleast acknowledge what I'm sure alot of people have been through 
😓 Thank you >

24, got out of a 6 year relationship back in March. She cheated… it was really hard the first few months. My family and friends were super supportive and did what they could to cheer me up but I still felt very alone. 
I hate to say it but I’m glad it happened. I’m glad she cheated because I needed to grow and I needed to experience being alone. I needed to learn how to deal with that type of pain and how to love myself. 
Since then I’ve picked up a few new hobbies, lost about 20 lbs, and met someone new who I get along better with then I ever did with my ex. 
You’ll be fine my friend. Pain is temporary, it might not make sense now but one day you’ll look back and understand. Life can only be lived going forward but understood looking backwards. >

31, getting a divorce not so much because of her cheating but because she won't do the work required for reconciliation and I became extremely toxic. Got out of the military and moving away from any navy community because she cheated for at least 7 out of the 9 years we were together and im afraid I'll find out one of my coworkers was someone she cheated with. We were going to do an ancestry report for my son but now I'm terrified it might come back as he's not biologically mine and I don't know what I would do if that happens. Medically diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She's upset with the consequences of her actions. 
The only things keeping me going  is that I now have plans and the fact that no kid grows up okay if their father kills themselves. But I know things get better and I've pushed past the worst of it. >

My friend, I went through something similar.
You sound like you're in your own personal hell right now. Get a therapist, ASAP. They'll help you process your feelings much faster and in better ways than you most likely would. Not sure what your benefits entitle you to, but maybe it's covered? And even if it isn't, it'll be worthwhile. 
Also, consider joining support groups - both online and offline. You need all the community you can get to help you carry and process these emotions. Trust me.
Finally, there are online resources for people who were cheated on. I heard Chump Lady is a great one (just google her.)
In the end, you want it to remain a painful incident you learned and grew from, and not a defining moment that sent you on a downward spiral. Best of luck! >

I think cheating can be circumstantial, but it can also reflect a person's character; narcissists who don't feel bad about cheating will most likely continue to cheat. This saying applies to them. >

There is no circumstance in which cheating can be explained, period. Cheating on someone once makes you a cheater. If you're unhappy, leave. Feeling bad about it means nothing. >

If you think every bad behaviour can ONLY be explained by personality/character of a person then you’re being biased. This is what’s called the fundamental attribution error.
I’m not saying cheating is okay by any means, but to ignore any other factors/explanations is foolish imo.
Feeling bad about it can be helpful towards change. Recognizing your wrongdoings is the first step. Combine that with a lot of therapy and self-reflection, someone can make a relationship work if they other party is wiling to. >

You'd hope someone can recognize that a particular action would be bad and harmful without needing to dabble in it themselves.
If this person can recognize that wearing a seat belt is a good idea and doesn't need to fly out of the car's windshield to finally learn why, they should also be able to recognize that cheating is not a good decision to make way before they even get into any relationships. >

People are impulsive. Sometimes people only realize the actual consequences of things after they've engaged in it. 
People don't often enter relationships with the idea that they're gonna cheat at some point. Sometimes it just happens, for a variety of reasons. >


People are impulsive.

Is that not a personality/character flaw? >

It is, yeah. But my only point is that it doesn’t always have to be a character flaw, specially if it’s a one-time thing. >

So what other reason could there be? >

I think there are 2 main reasons people cheat.
The first is that a person is just shallow and selfish and needs to be gratified constantly (which would be a character flaw). 
The second reason is that the relationship is failing to provide sufficient intimacy and desire. It’s not rocket science to say that the likelihood of infidelity in a relationship is directly proportional to how miserable the relationship is.
The problem is that many people don’t recognize the misery in their own relationships. They come from a family full of miserable relationships and/or have a long history of miserable relationships, so to them, it’s not even miserable, it’s just normal.
Then they get surprised when wifey is fucking the milkman. >

So in first case, a person is shallow or selfish. Sounds like a character flaw.
In the second case, a person lacks introspection, lacks ability to address the issues in their relationship or even recognize in them in the first place.. and even if they did they don't have the courage to confront whatever problems arise instead of choosing infidelity?
Sounds like character flaws. Massive character flaws at every step actually.
What are these if not character flaws? Our character is what determines how we act in a situation. >

Hey, if they change and become better, that’s wonderful. Hopefully their next partner is happy with them, because I’ve got enough self-respect to not stay with someone that would cheat on me. >

Most people who break your trust do not deserve a second chance and won't get one because trust is finite. Once its gone it does not usually come back. >

What is the evidence for “most people that cheat do it in one situation, and then never again”?  In my experience, it’s the opposite.  (1) It’s a red line that, crossed once, is easy to cross again. (2) If #1 is overcoming a negative, the opposite is the incentive that cheating “worked” once, it will work again to get what the person thinks he/she wants. (3) there’s a basic dishonesty in cheating, both to oneself and to the one being cheated on.  So, that level of dishonesty doesn’t just go away.  I think it takes some catastrophically bad outcome to break the cheating habit. >

I was in an abusive relationship. I was denied sex all the time. I cheated on him once because I felt so safe with someone my family knew. I broke it off right away and realized I was trying to escape and was too weak. I’m still in therapy. We aren’t all terrible people. Although I don’t think this applies to “most people” so I agree >

Sorry are you seeking validation? I felt sympathetic after the first comment, but as I’m seeing it for the third time, I can’t help but think that you want to gather all “oh it’s different, good for you” in the world >

Cheating is typically a warning sign of other issues. I guess people change but form the  heaters I’ve seen, they don’t usually >

Reminds me of this one quote from When Harry Met Sally “Marriages don’t end on account of infidelity - it’s just a symptom that something else is wrong”
I believe it completely unless someone is just a serial cheater >

To me when my relationships went south, I started having eyes for other people more. When I was happy it was like I had blinders on almost.  It's a strange feeling, where you know change needs to happen or you'll have to break it off, because your mind keeps telling you that it's over this way. >

I’m more inclined to believe that once a partner cheats, they will cheat on the same person again. I do believe the cheater can go on to live a cheat free life with a new partner. >

First of all what’s with all these highly specific opinions on completely random phrases or circumstances?
Anyway, to make this more general, a lot of the cheaters I know seem to have some kind of serial cheating problem. They always 
a: end up in relationships like immediately after one ends (why??) and 
b: end up cheating again in that relationship. 
Maybe they’re into that idk, but obviously not all cheaters are like this and every occasion/person is different. >

To me, cheating is like getting tattoos. The first one is scary because it's unknown and expected to be painful. Subsequent tattoos are easier because the tattooee knows (s)he can take it.
Cheating, the first time, can be uncomfortable with having to confront guilt, betrayal of someone the cheater presumably cares about, and finding creative ways to justify it. After that wall has been breached,  it's not unlikely that (s)he will cheat again because (s)he knows how to work it.
Is it guaranteed a cheater will cheat again? No, just like it's not guaranteed that a person with one tattoo will continue to get more but we all know how that usually goes >

Cheating even one time is too much. If you're unhappy just break up / get a divorce. There's no excuse for betraying and hurting someone like that. >

Exactly like I don’t understand how ppl can justify it >

It’s not always that black and white. There are reasons behind the things people do—especially people who grew up in super dysfunctional families. I’m not excusing cheating or saying it is, in anyway, okay.People sometimes do awful things, even to people they love. And, despite what you see on Reddit, people can change and do better. 
My husband and I were both SA as children. We both came from super messed up families. We fell in love and got married 18. We clung together because neither of us had ever felt like we had someone we could truly depend on. 
But nobody talked about mental health back then. Nobody talked about depression or therapy or any of it. And we were kids who were, within a few years of getting married, raising kids of our own. We were poor and had no outside help and everything was always so hard. So he got sidetracked and made some awful choices. And then I fell apart and made my own horrible choices. 
We separated for awhile but the love was still there, it had just gotten temporarily buried beneath the amount of trauma we both carried. We got back together and just decided no more— that neither of us would ever again treat the other with anything but love and respect and kindness. 
It’s been 20 years since then and people who meet us now often mistake us for newlyweds. We fought our way back from a place of horrible pain and it made our relationship stronger than ever. We are extremely happy together. So people CAN change. Relationships can heal and evolve. In other words, not everything is black and white. >

Sure. That does explain why people might cheat but still, it doesn’t excuse it, like you said. If my SO cheated on me I wouldn’t care about WHY their dysfunctional family led them to do that. The fact of the matter is that they would have betrayed my trust. They either didn’t think about how their actions would hurt me else or they simply don’t care. I don’t care which one it is but they’re not going to get a second chance. If they are truly sorry then they can try and work on themselves with someone else. >

I totally understand that—and it’s a perfectly valid, healthy way to handle it. 
I just don’t feel like that’s the only acceptable way to handle it. A lot of people talk about cheating like you’re an idiot if you give someone another chance—and that’s just not always the case. That’s all I’m saying. >

I know you must take these opinions personally and honestly if you believe so deeply that you’ve made the right choice then there’s no point for you to argue it. If your SO can cheat and you can 100% believe they’ll be loyal to you afterward then only you can know that. I just know that it would eat away at me and I would always question if they’re cheating on me again and I will not subject myself to a relationship like that. >

"...most people that cheat do it in one situation, and then never again."
How do you know ?
Is there a source for that ? >

Studies like this. 81% of people cheat in one situation, and don't afterwards. >

If I read this right, it says that this 81% only cheated once in the same relationship. Although the cheating event doesn't always lead to the end of the relationship, and the sample are couples who are in quite a long relationship, it doesn't really mean that a majority of the cheaters only cheated once in their entire life.
Plus, the sample of this study is like 10k German people.
But English isn't my mother tongue and I may have read this wrong (and I definitely didn't read all of it)
Another study from the Denver University (sorry I can't find it at the moment) says that someone who cheated once in a relationship, has 3 times more chances than someone who never cheated to cheat again in a next relationship.
As for my personal experience around me, I never cheated but have been cheated, and I know a few people who have cheated, and my ex and all of the other cheaters I know have cheated in multiple relationship.
So I may be judgemental, but I tend to agree with "Once a cheater, always a cheater" from what I have witnessed. >

Have you ever heard the African proverb: One lie spoils 1,000 truths? 
Well, one bad act spoils 10,000 good ones. The time you spend whining about judgmental (which is funny in itself because you're most likely as judgmental, if not more, than those you complain about) people could be spend keeping your mental wellbeing at a level that helps you refrain from doing bad things that screw up relationships (family, romantic or platonic) with people.
It should also be noted that people deserve second chances but are not entitled to them. >

If one bad act spoils 100 good ones, then relationships are utterly impossible. 
In an average relationships you have lies, nagging, criticising, emotional neglect, sexual neglect, etc. Not often, but it happens, and by your logic it would spoil the best relationship in the world? >

It's so easy not to cheat on someone, I really don't get how people make out it can happen by accident.
I think they're just using the idea of "circumstanc" as an excuse for their own lack of self control.
Ive had offers and opportunities across multiple relationships but I've turned them down everytime. Not even just out of respect for my partners but also out of respect for myself. I would be ashamed of myself if I let it happen. 
Even when I was in a relationship with a girl I hated and knew I wanted to leave (who, it turned out, actually kind of cheated on me), I turned it down on principle and for self respect >

lol who is this most people >

Op is full of shit. >

I cheated once and realized it was one of the worst choices I ever made. Broke off my relationship, dealt with extreme guilt, and, because of how unlike myself it was; the inability to trust myself again for a long time. I learned a lot from it, good and bad, and I can honestly say I’ll never cheat on another person again. >

Sorry to randomly tell you my personal bullshit but I'm in a similar situation and I just feel like everyone would want me to kill myself if they knew what I did (partner knows and forgives somehow) and I always read shit like these comments and I just cry and I don't know how to forgive myself and I feel like there's literally nothing I can do to make amends I just have to like die. No one will ever even believe that I'm truly sorry and that it's the worst mistake I've ever made in my life, I feel like I ruined my life >

Honestly it's so much easier to break up first and then do whatever you want.. there is no reason for going the other route >

I once “cheated”— I say it like that because mans at the time [18] was leaving for basic training and we were arguing and not in a good spot in our relationship, so I told him we should break up before he left for 5 months.  He disagreed with me, but that’s not really how breakups work.
I was 20 at the time, so I had a few more years of “experience.”  He slut shamed me because of my body count pretty much every day.  That caused most of the arguments and issues we had, not to mention his parents didn’t like me because I told them I disagreed with the strict rules they had set for him even though he was an adult.
When he left, we were still in contact, and I was pretty much in this relationship against my will at this point, and kept thinking about how much his parents didn’t like me and how he thought I was a slut.  Eventually I couldn’t handle the toxicity and being alone with my thoughts and slept with someone else.  I told him immediately (kindof a bitch move since he was struggling to get through basic training).
He made me feel really bad about what happened when he got back home, and I would cry on his shoulder 2-4 times/week.  Basically, both of us were on different pages before he left.  To him, I was in his pocket, and to me, he was across the US.  When we both realized that, we were fine.
I’m now 22, he’s 19.  We’re friends, and will never be more than that.  I’ve been in a long distance relationship without any problems, and am currently in a steady relationship since that situation.
You could say I tried to break up with him, but not hard enough and you’d be right. There are serial cheaters who cheat for the thrill, or to piss their s/o off.  However, if you’re sane, there’s usually a lot more to it. >

He went into basic at 17? >

As a “once-a-cheater”, in my defense, I didn’t actually know I was cheating at that moment, I assumed the relationship was over, because they were ghosting me. As it turned out, we were still “on”, like three weeks later. 
Not as an always-a-cheater, I ended my “three-week affair” and continued my relationship with the first person for another year, with many failed attempts by me to communicate, and intermittent ghosting by them which pretty much caused me to end it altogether.
I am monogamous. >

Get out of this sub Ross! >

WE WERE ON A BREAK! >

What makes you believe most cheaters aren’t repeat offenders? >

Everyone is judgmental. I  think its odd that being judgmental is bad thing. Its not. That's why we were given instinct.  However past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.    Once a cheater always a cheater: leopards don't change their spots.  Now I think people can change  and become better, however   the question is are you willing to risk it?  The answer for me is NO. >

Exactly. They "only" cheated once, maybe they'll do it again, maybe they won't, but their next partner can worry about that because I have enough self-respect to not stick around and find out. 
I think sometimes it can also depend on how the cheating is discovered. Did the cheater feel guilty afterwards and confess to their partner? Or did their partner have to find out from someone else, or on their own? If someone admits to it on their own, I feel like they're maybe a little more likely to not do it again. But if they try to bury the secret and keep lying to their partner, then I feel like they're more likely to do it again. >

I have a friend that cheated on his wife 3 times in 5 years. All three were long term (1 month or more) flings. They got a divorce. 3 years later he met a new woman and has really worked to change his behavior. This is great, looking at him you can tell he has mostly learned from the horrible things he did with his wife. BUT, his new girlfriend does know about his past. They both love each other, you can tell there is trust there, however they also linked their phones so she can see where he is at all times (it will even tell you what room the phone is in). This was done because of his cheating past and they just established that standard early. He has a past, she forgives him, but we are going to eliminate the possibility again.
I do not believe this is judging him, but rather considering his past. >

I would never wanna hafta constantly watch someone like a hawk so they don’t cheat on me, I need someone I can trust and that is not it >

Exactly, how is that even remotely healthy?? >

Sounds like someone cheated and now is getting what they deserve >

🎯 >

Found the 🐀 >

Yeah OP >

That’s what I meant!  😛 >

yea, but alot of people cant see themselves as the bad guy and do anything to justify their actions. its the other persons fault, i was lonely, i needed more, etc. Its a shit thing to do, and people who do it usually are lairs and manipulators who only view themselves as the victims and everybody else is attacking them when confronted about their actions. >

Sounds like you cheated on someone and are now upset they broke up with you. >

Cheating is a special kind of scummy move. It requires a person to willingly and knowingly betray the one person who is supposed to either be the most important person in their life, or at least be the person they have pledged (legally and/or morally) to be faithful to. If a person is able to betray their own significant other how is anyone ever supposed to trust them again?
It is also very easy to just not cheat. If you're unhappy in your relationship the adult thing and the right thing to do is to just end it. After that, you can go sleep with or be in a relationship with whoever you want.
Back to your point: Can people change? Sure - but it would be incredibly difficult for a known cheater to convince me that they had changed, even if they actually did. >

I think that's something OP isn't taking into account. Cheating doesn't happen on a whim, most often. It's not like you're walking down the sidewalk, trip, and suddenly you're cheating in the bushes with a stranger. 
Cheating takes effort. Whether you've reconnected with an old high school boy or girlfriend, you've been spending a lot of time with a coworker or BFF or someone who your partner has said makes them uncomfortable, or messaging randos on the internet, it's a choice you're making to cheat. This is even more true if you're having a full blown affair. If you have time to go run around with or spend time and money on someone else, you're most likely neglecting other things in your life, especially if you're married with children at home. 
This isn't a one time mistake or a momentary lapse of reason. This is who you decided to be. >

I personally wouldn’t get together with a person if they recently cheated. But if some years have passed and they know it was wrong i would be able to see past it >

Exactly. It took to long to find someone with a mature attitude. How if someone cheated when they were 17 years old because they didn't know better, but now 10 years after are aware of how wrong it was? >

I know a guy who doesn’t end relationships, he just starts new ones and let’s the girls fight it out. Idk man but he’s not changing lol >

Everyone is "judgmental". >

So who did you cheat on and how is this making it any better. And yes people make mistakes but people who cheat and only stop because they get caught are scum. >

I cheated once. Saw what it did to both women and never considered it again. It was awful.
However, I don't think that is the normal outcome. If someone cheats on you, you should assume they'll do it again. It takes a lot of growing for a cheater to change and you should let them do it on their own. Move on. >

At the end of the day there are people who have cheated and those who haven’t >

I think this only really applies to young cheaters or people who are still kind of immature because young. 
If someone is post 28-30 or so and still cheating it’s often something that will never change. 
It’s ingrained in them and stems from their own self inflated worth and often narcissism. 
Like that mentality that they’re always “better” than who they’re with and always looking to “upgrade” so they cheat when they find that person next and don’t care. 
Usually adult cheaters are the types or jump from one relationship to the next by cheating on the current partner with the next one. 
Then rinse and repeat 🤷🏻‍♂️ >

You defo cheated >

I have a feeling that OP is trying to defend a significant other, a close friend or themselves.  Been cheated on before, not going to put up with any of that shit again.  In most my experience it's just because the other person is just too indifferent to have a conversation and hides behind the old "I didnt want to hurt you" line.
But I will give you this top tier unpopular opinion hat is off to you op for actually posting one and not some trash like "I like animals more then people" >

I don't date trash, so if I know someone has cheated previously, I'm not going to give them a chance to demonstrate they've change trailer parks. >

So, what if someone works out those issues? I have a close friend that cheated and got caught. He and his wife chose to go to counseling together. It completely changed him for the better on a number of fronts. He dealt with a lot of mental health stuff, got sober, became a better father. He says it saved his life, as awful as it was. His wife says she's never been happier.
I get why others feel strongly about it, but I don't think we should discount those that can legitimately recover and earn forgiveness. >

No it’s a saying from hurt people. I gave my ex enough chances to change, I have a lot of people around me that gave cheating spouces a chance and all of them came back and hit me and them in the face. I do not deal with that bullshit anymore. If you decide to cheat I decide that if you once do it you’ll do it again and your ass is out of here. 
Also I don’t fuck with people that cheated before. If you cheated in other relationships I don’t want to be in one with you 🤷🏻‍♀️ >

Lol, where do you get that from? Do you know most cheaters? I’m gonna call bullshit. >

Oh, we've got surveys and studies, like this one