SUBREDDIT: r/relationships
TITLE: Me [20 F] with my boyfriend [21 M] of 1 year. I watched his porn videos. I don't know what to do.
POST: When we started dating, my boyfriend told me that he used to do porn.  He was very honest about his motives for doing it and his experiences.  He told me that it stopped right after I accepted to go out with him.

I can't even describe how much it shocked me to learn that this seemingly completely "nerdy" guy with whom I attended lectures, had a secret life that nobody knew, but it didn't change my feelings toward him.  He only asked me one thing: never to watch them.  I reluctantly gave my promise.

His honesty and trustworthiness have helped me deal with my issues with intimacy stemming from childhood abuse.  He makes me feel loved, respected and secure.  And finally, after all these years, I felt that I was ready to be with him. 

Then, I did something that I should not have done.  I wanted to please him after making him wait all this time.  I wanted to see what he liked.  And I started watching his videos.  It turns out that he was right to ask me not to.

The ones that are grouped under "female friendly", where he kisses and caresses the women...  My stomach burned with jealousy.

The hardcore bdsm ones...  Seeing him pushing, slapping and spitting on these women scared and aroused me at the same time.  Some felt too real.

And the women.  How can I possibly compare to these goddesses?

I know it's not real, but why does it hurt so much?  I wish I wasn't this messed up.  None of this is his fault.  He shouldn't be wasting his time with me.
TL;DR: 
I watched my boyfriend's porn.  I am overwhelmed with insecurity, jealousy, fear, grief.  Please help me find a way to deal with it.