SUBREDDIT: r/loseit
TITLE: I feel out of control. It's like im watching my weight gain in slow motion.
POST: I had to buy new work pants. My old work pants were already a size bigger than I was comfortable with, I told myself it was temporary. I tried on the 10. I nearly suffocated. So I went and grabbed a 12 hurriedly so my husband wouldn't have to know that I needed a bigger size. I just hoped they would fit, I figured they would. Happy monday, I will be miserable all day bc I truly would have been comfortable in a 14. A 14? 

I'm victim of that team sports phenomenon, harder to execersie without a team. But I used to run at least 3 miles every day also, solo. I've run 2 marathons. I worked out every day for my first 1 and a half of college. But then I got dumped, got depressed and I have slowly, slowly gained around 40 or 50 pounds over 4 years. I have a masters now, a good husband, good job. But I will never be happy if I can't get myself esteem back!! I look bad in everthing. I've had mfp forever, but couldn't stick with it. Lately I've slowly tried to make significant diet changes to get used to it when I "get ready" to do this foreal. I have no idea how to balance my relationship when he isn't on board fully. It isn't just a change in diet. It's a fundamental change in the dynamic of our day. He's supportive but im weak.

I don't even have a scale, I used to base my weight on how I felt...that was all I needed, I was able to do intermittent fasting and lead a generally healthy lifestyle. Last time I was on the scale at the store as a 'joke', it said 175. I jumped right off, made a joke about it being broken. I'm afraid to weigh myself now. There are alot of posts right now about this exact same thing. I am resetting mfp again, for the 3rd time today. I have meals planned for the week. I just need to write this out. I want to get better. I want to be in control.
TL;DR: 
I feel out of control and literally have lost all self esteem due to my weight gain. This is a great community and I need to share some thoughts and perhaps gather some strength from you lovely people.