i am upset because i disappointed myself , and apart time will surely be extended now because god will want to protect nikki until i learn to control myself better , and like jesus , nikki is a pacifist , which is the reason she did not like me going to the rowdy eagles games in the first place , and i do n't want to be sent back to the bad place , and god , i miss nikki so much , it hurts so bad and - `` `` fuck nikki , '' tiffany says , and then slips another spoonful of raisin bran into her mouth .