but of course i do not say this to jake , mostly because he has never been locked up and does n't understand what it feels like to lose control , and he only wants to watch the football game now , and none of this means anything to him , because he has never been married and he has never lost someone like nikki and he is not trying to improve his life at all , because he does n't ever feel the war that goes on in my chest every single fucking day - the chemical explosions that light up my skull like the fourth of july and the awful needs and impulses and ... outside the linc , masses form thick lines , and with hundreds of other fans , we wait to be frisked .