and i told her i was ready , and my dad just kept telling me he loved me in this voice that was not breaking so much as already broken , and i kept telling him that i loved him , too , and everyone was holding hands , and i could n't catch my breath , and my lungs were acting desperate , gasping , pulling me out of the bed trying to find a position that could get them air , and i was embarrassed by their desperation , disgusted that they would n't just let go , and i remember my mom telling me it was okay , that i was okay , that i would be okay , and my father was trying so hard not to sob that when he did , which was regularly , it was an earthquake .