i 'd hovered on the edge between socially appropriate and rambling geek most of my life , so of course i 'd felt out of my element before : when i got that research award in front of thousands of parents and students at mit , almost anytime i went shopping for myself , and , most memorably , when ethan kingman wanted me to go down on him in the eleventh grade and i had absolutely no idea how i was supposed to do so and breathe at the same time .