her memory drifted to the fateful new years day when holidaying in rome ; the red mercedes that veered round a backstreet bend , catching the happy couple by surprise following a romantic meal ; the blurred violent flashback of christopher shoving lucy clear , leaving himself with no time to escape ; the gut-churning sound when life changed beyond all recognition ; her entire future fading as she cradled him on the cobbled street , watching the fateful sports car speed from view ; the surreal night in hospital when her worst nightmare was realised ; the following eight months of pain , despair and day-to-day survival coming to terms with the huge hole in her life ; and now guilt and mixed emotions over the return of some happiness with someone new and not the man shed built her dreams around , lying in the ground beneath her now .