i tried to pull myself together , promptly failed , began to lose it and found my feet rushing out of the kitchen , down the short flight of stairs with my mouth mumbling a trembling , `` excuse me , '' as i raced to the other flight , up them , into and through brock 's bedroom to his bathroom where i closed the door , pressed my back against the wall , slid down , shoved my face in my knees and burst into tears .