even though , early , this started to crawl through my skin , gather in my belly and tighten up , curling in on itself and sitting there , poisoning me all the while , i kept my head buried and ignored it until it got to the point he was backhanding me to end an argument and then he raped me one night when i told him i was not in the mood , we argued about it , this argument escalated beyond reason , he suddenly and terrifyingly lost his mind and took what he wanted anyway .