`` right , my sweet , sexy , totally clueless tess with her glasses and thick f**kin ' hair and great f**kin ' rack who can bake a cake most men would trade their balls for and who looks at you like you 're the only motherfuckin ' guy on earth goes six years without a f**kin ' date when half the guys at your bakery probably come onto you and you have no f**kin ' idea , that tess has moved on .