and after that , standing at the window in the captain 's office , eyes staring unseeing outside , that bile still choking him , his brain torturing him , his instincts screaming for him to move , his palms itching , his teeth clenched , it took everything he had to lock himself down and not do , again , what he 'd done years ago , something that was wild and stupid and f**ked up then and something that he could have no way of knowing would put his tess in jeopardy now and , for the first time in f**king years , he prayed .