i heard other voices laughing and yelling as children played outside the window and i prayed i could be out there with them as i gasped for breath in the heat of the summer 's day ... ... then done , tossed to oblivion , crumpled ... ... against the cold vinyl seat of an old ford pick-up reeking of marlboro cigarettes and burnt fluids and the feel of the metal ash tray butting against of my head while pale arms with scattered brown spots inbetween purple tattoos swung back and forth as each movement brought nausea to my stomach while cramps grabbed hard at my back ...