opening his door and seeing him awake and holding him tight , then pulling the covers to his chin and calming his fears of the night ... everything would be fine and dad would always be there , sealed like a promise with a goodnight kiss to his forehead before closing the door to all but a sliver of light ... ... and five minutes before ... giving the car door a push and letting it shut behind me as i stumbled , aching , up to the house , trying to leave any thoughts or memories or tastes or smells back with the stains on the driveway or on the bed before that ... trying to shake off the night quickly on the too short walk to the house and my family .