i reached out and put my hand on her chest , dead center , and pushed ... ... and fell ... ... into the arms of a tall man whose face i could n't see because my own was pressed hard against the scratchy white hair on his chest as he held me down then tossed me away to be held by another who spun me and slapped me and pushed me to another who held me -- and my cheeks were wet as i was now her , crying in terror at the thought of being her forever , struggling to get free but unable -- as i felt the rip of clothes and an inside tearing ... ... then thrown to another place ... ... with a creaking bed in a small room with stained curtains and an old sailing ship bobbing violently on the unwashed walls .