she clutches the book to her chest to her belly to her stomach it is a thing of the gut a thing she senses down there twisting churning an awful feeling that makes her feel small and young and afraid again that feeling which always takes her back to the worst times of her life waiting for her father to come home and punish her for some infraction a broken vase or a curse-word spoken waiting for her boyfriend to notice that she is five days late and she is n't sure she does n't know and what is going to happen to her she 's only nineteen not old enough no not even close to old enough for that waiting for david the night before the wedding wondering if she is doing the right thing if she is going to regret this if she is good enough for him if she will make him happy to waiting to find out about the college 's investigation to hear what it is her husband has done with this girl this child this student it is that inescapable dread which twists down there way inside that fills you up and forces out all other things all emotions all joy turned sour and all pleasure turned rank it is the essential unease so unbearable it drives you eventually into the arms of the horrible thing only so that it will at last be over with done and gone .