but that 's nonsense she is going crazy is n't she that must be it dear god she 's always been afraid of losing her mind she watched it happen to both her grandparents and then to david 's father she could n't bear to see it happen to herself not now after all she is n't so old just sixty that 's not so old she still has dreams she still wants to do things god there are so many things she still wants to do but look what can happen look at what happened to david dead at his desk with the pen in his hand and everything he wanted everything he hoped for all his plans evaporated vanished just gone from the world everything he could have been wiped out in the space of a blink there were times she could not bear life the unfairness of it better never to have lived than to face death she wishes that she could believe in a god any god any possibility of eternity she would accept anyone anything else any horror if only she could make herself believe it but she can not accept can not bear to think that this that she that everything that is herself could would one day maybe one day soon end .