it almost seemed wasteful that he should have a solitary ruminating self who was able , in the absence of others , to spin tapestries of reason from threads of illusion ; while , at the same time , a social , external self , who was cut off from the ruminations of the first , and who found himself so easily caught up in the banality and pettiness and conviviality that the world demanded of him , and who equated fully his sense of self-worth to the successes and disappointments reaped of all focused endeavors of ego .