on many nights , he gazed from the open window of his room on the double , faintly pierced darkness of the sea and the heavens ; often struggling under the oppressive scepticism which made him think of his lot as of no more lasting effect than a dream ; sometimes with an emotional reaction which gave even to disappointment the nature of a satisfied energy , and spread over his young future , whatever it might be , the attraction of devoted service ; sometimes with a sweet irresistible hopefulness that the very best of human possibilities might befall him the blending of a complete personal love with a larger duty ; and sometimes again in a mood of rebellion against things in general because they are thus and not otherwise , a mood in which gwendolen and her fate moved as busy images of what was amiss in the world along with the concealments in his own life , which now afflicted him with doubt about the mother who had announced herself coldly and still kept away .