her own widowed father had shown her so little affection , none that she could actually remember , and had restricted her childhood and adolescence with such a stern ferocity that she had felt righteous leaving him and her guilt turned to hatred until her own children were old enough to cause her panic and then she knew that he had loved her and she forgave him and even wrote him a letter that didnt begin to say it all , but that didnt matter because a neighbor returned her letter with a brief note giving the date of his death whereupon she sent him her message through god and good for her that shed found god by then .