then this concern , partially that i will not have the resources to be of benefit to others ( a vexation to the virtuous no real consolation49 especially as i am already in debt over all that the insurance company refused to pay on luklawans hospitalization ) , morphed into onerous regret over tuition money i had given to others in the past , or the money that went into operations on aus legs ; and it was only the dull repetition of this ruefulness and imagining dire scenarios in the future that exhausted me to the point of sleep .