vanessa can not get out of bed she lies there and watches the sun crawl skywards watches the shadows pour themselves against the wall watches the scrawl of the treeline over the pond quiver in ascending sunlight and still she lies there she can not move she can not free her mind it hurts it hurts so much it is difficult to breathe impossible to move only to go on existing is almost more than she can bear the pain is deep down way inside of her a boundless agony all she is is memory and hurt and she knows that she will never see again the woman she loves that word is unendurable that word never .