i did not give a shit about any of it until my own life went to hell , and i was swallowed up by loneliness itself , and i found out it was a genetic thing , that gaping vortex of black just behind the cerebral cortex of the more germanic males in my family , the void , the desire to be loved more than love can offer , the hatred and the hurt at wanting to be loved too much , the longing that overplays itself and inevitably leads to being left alone .