but instead , she was paralyzed by her own selfish absorption , by her need to indulge in being dreamy , vague , detached , and alone ; jealously and zealously keeping herself away from ordinary life so that she would , without excuses or harm to anyone else , be able to dash back to her beloved silky aloneness , an aloneness she savored like eating creamy vanilla pudding , an aloneness where she was careful not to get involved in doing things for people , or the world .