the implication that i had been secretly flirting with him , consciously or unconsciously , trying to tantalize him by requesting his assistance in what i realized must have been crazy research ideas ( rodeos , scorpions , and j. wayne ) and that all the time i had been actually trying desperately to write beautiful things , remember beautiful images and times past , and really had been sweating out the difficulties of the creation of beauty in my attempt to master something profound , something intricate and rare , and put it on a page and give it to the desert southwest , to imagine that i have been attempting to attract a strange , married librarian with a past including time spent in a nudist camp when he won his nudist wife from other nudist men , and a wife that he wanted to cheat on with me blew my mind .