five i wanted to tell him , tell him about the night five years ago , tell him about wednesday , i didnt feel guilty about any of it , but i wanted to tell him about how i found a tire iron in an alleyway walking home from work on a blistering cold night , felt its weight in my hands , waited for two hours behind a dumpster , wind chewing on my nose and ear lobes , making my eyes tear up , the odor of soiled baby diapers coating everything around me .