waiting , anew and afresh , for what , she did not apprehend , nor did she feel entirely capable of grasping or gathering it all up into her reality ; an absurdist reality which was the audible gentle soul of a seeming `` christian '' man who would sooner be hurt-or who was simply normal , with luck-for or even by her than to ever dream of purposefully , while looking the other way , while covering it over , hurting her .