joan thought back to jamies infancy , to the day she searched every inch of the house for a revolver claude might have hidden within its walls , to the day she stood atop the stairs with jamie and wailed because she wanted to throw her baby to the bottom , to the day she picked up the phone to commit herself as an awful monster unfit to continue in society , replacing the receiver only after she realized shed be leaving jamie with claude , at least when gail needed a break , and she couldnt do that to her little girl .