after my life went to hell i found my father 's books , his notes , educated myself on electronics from scratch , followed through the thick grey 1930 's and 1940 's tomes on the oscillations of the atom , the cycles of the particles and waves , the ways of the diode and tube and later the transistor , the mystery of wave-and-particle-at-once they accepted on its own terms , but in more secret books than respectable men actually claimed to understand , in public anyway , like a secret handshake with the unknown .