she stood in the thick silence , knowing how black her face and neck must look in her new white dress , and her heart was thudding terribly in her chest and she was thinking , i 've forgot every word , every single word , i promised daddy i would n't cry no matter what , i would n't cry , but ben conveigh 's out there and when ben conveigh yells nigger , then i guess i 'll cry , oh why did i ever get into this ?