because of his researches for misery , he had rather more than a layman 's understanding of neurosis and psychosis , and he knew that although a borderline psychotic might have alternating periods of deep depression and almost aggressive cheerfulness and hilarity , the puffed and infected ego underlay all , positive that all eyes were upon him or her , positive that he or she was staffing in a great drama ; the outcome was a thing for which untold millions waited with held breath .