holding tad in her arms , newborn , then the nurse taking him away ; she wanted to tell the nurse not to do that - give him back , i 'm not done with him , those were the words that had come to mind - but she was too weak to talk and then the horrible , squelching , gutty sound of the afterbirth coming out of her ; she remembered thinking i 'm puking up his life-support systems , and then she had passed out .