i shelve books ; i make out library cards for new patrons ; i turn off the microfilm readers careless users sometimes leave on ; i joke with carole danner about how much i would like to go to bed with her , and she jokes back about how much she 'd like to go to bed with me , and both of us know that she 's really joking and i 'm really not , just as both of us know that she wo n't stay in a little place like derry for long and i will be here until i die , taping torn pages in business week , sitting down at monthly acquisition meetings with my pipe in one hand and a stack of library journals in the other ... and waking in the middle of the night with my fists jammed against my mouth to keep in the screams .