whenever he 'd pictured his suicide-which he had , many times , although he especially liked picturing the parts that came after : minna thudding to her knees beside his body and wailing ; the police swarming the house and filling the rooms with crisscrossed police tape ; caroline bloated with grief ; everyone at school humbled , shaken , and girls crying in the halls , hugging themselves-he 'd always imagined an accompanying soundtrack .