MDMA and the Quest for Connection in a Fractured World
I literally think that MDMA saved my life.  I was absolutely _broken_ when I came out of high school -- bullied at home and at school just relentlessly for 12 years.  Completely unable to relate to other human beings, afraid of being touched, never had a girl friend or any kind of real friendship.Going to rave and having people -- strangers! -- just hug me, and listen to me, and I'd listen to them and we could just talk to each other like normal people without this undercurrent of constant anxiety and fear of rejection.  It was a miracle to me.  And I mean that in both the banal sense and the religious sense.  It wasn't just the interpersonal aspects of it, but like -- having these feelings of joy and happiness and seeing the beauty of the world wash over me in almost an overwhelming way despite the fact that absolutely _nothing_ had really changed about the world made me understand how much of my own unhappiness was internal, that i could _choose_ to see the world in a better light all the time -- not just when I was on drugs, but at any time, it was just a matter of perspective, and something that you have some level of control over.I went from being someone who was almost completely isolated and withdrawn to learning how to DJ, to DJing at the _very same club_ that opened the world to me.  I had a girlfriend within a few months, I had dozens of friends, I had a better paying job within a year, largely through connections I made at the club.  I honestly think I'd have just turned into a homeless alcoholic or something without that experience.  I have a hard time even imagining where I'd have ended up.  I barely recognize the person that walked into that club the first night.It's a tragedy that this drug isn't available to more people.  I overdid it.  A lot of people over did it, but 20 years later I don't regret any of it for a moment, even the bad nights.