Am I Introverted, or Just Rude?
I am currently writing this sitting in a small motel room very close to downtown vegas and am very alone.I am back on heroin.  I write this not for shock factor because, frankly, I don't give a shit about how anyone feels about it.I write this as a warning to those wise enough to hear, about how being introverted can easily lead to a lonely, fairly miserable life as you grow older.My excuse was always the same as I hear here...I'm not interested in shallow conversation or discussing things with people whom seem to have almost complete misunderstandings of the basics of things etc etc.I am 51yo, my birthday was last week..2 people texted me happy birthday and I spent the day alone, as none of my local junkie friends bothered to invite me to do anything.  Yeah, big surprise I know can you believe it?I spent almost 35 years of my life, starting at age 15, playing in bands and was always surrounded by fellow musicians and all the various bar archetypes.Coding came super easy to me and it allowed me to earn very good money while living a lifestyle that had all the trappings of a happy, extroverted kinda life, and I enjoyed it immensely. I felt (and still do) incredibly blessed by the genetic gods to be born at such a time where society valued my native aptitude...I am sure there were periods where it wouldn't have been such a blessing.Looking back, I see how I was drawn to and used drugs and music as tools to overcome my introvertness, and you know what?  They worked very well.  But, as they say, what happens when the song ends and the dope runs out?But this is my dilemma and where it gets nutso...I wonder just how much we truly control the decisions our brain and subconscious make for us.  Looking back, I have serious doubts that even if someone had shown me of picture of my bleak life right now, that I would have somehow been able to make different decisions.Even now, knowing how I should act to prevent this level of isolation, I am unable to do those things consistently enough to make them work and have all but giving up trying.So yeah..introverted, rude, selfish, disconnected for sure. But also, passionate, informed, and sensitive as well.That's life I guess.