The dangerous downsides of perfectionism
In college I felt like anything was possible.I felt the failures around be needed to just delay gratification, and work hard, because life is difficult.I looked at my classmates, and thought they were just not serious, and needed to work harder.After all, going to school is easy.  (I still belive the worst day at school is better than any day I spent in construction.).I'm chugging along.  I'm thinking about how short life is.  I'm thinking about that vague pain in my head.  The pain the Neurologist said wasen't psychological, because the pain was coming from cranial nerve locations in my skull.  (I forgot to tell him I used to read through Grey's Anatomy for recreation.)I thought I was doing well.  Doing great in school.  Keeping down a job.  I really felt I could do anything.I was lonely though.  I broke up with my college girlfriend a few years earlier--why--for no good reason?  Just young, and dumb.My vague head pain was my daily friend.I was toying with getting two professional degrees.  Why not?  School is easy.  Just delay gratification.  Don't mess up your life with chaos, and all the drama of a relationship.Then a classmate died of a anyurism.  I didn't know the kid, but he was the image of health.It wasn't long after I went home for a holiday, and at around 11:30 pm, I had a panic attack. A scary one, but I had minor ones before, so no big deal.  I'll just go to sleep, and feel great on the morning.Wake up at 8:30 am, and the minute my bedroom door opens intense anxiety sets in, and stays with me all day.After a few weeks, I see a bunch of doctors.  They all say different things.  I pick out a Therapist out of the yellow pages.  See him for months.  Anxiety just off the charts.I finally see the "right" doctor, and he gives me a long half life benzo.  It works, but only works for a few hours during the day.  Alcohol worked better.  It scared me because the last thing I wanted was to be one an alcoholic.Well the intense anxiety went on for a decade.  My life definely suffered.I went from the better, capable guys in the room, to someone who could barely walk into the room.I don't have any advice.  I wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy.  My doctor did say my case was unusual.I'm still kinda a perfectionist though.  My life is close to being homeless, but when I do something; I still do it well.Enjoy your life.