The need to be loved and validated as worthy of something better was undeniable. Somehow, I knew finding a safe place (like church) would be the answer.
Between the ages of 17-21, I had lost three immediate family members. My mother was murdered, my mother's younger brother was killed in a motorcycle accident and my Grandfather was killed while working under his truck. All three deaths were separate from each other, yet tragically unexpected.
And for a girl who had already lived life stripped and lost, the deaths of these closest loves ended up feeling like a confirmation of a generational curse bestowed upon me. The emotions this stirred up within me were chaotic and irrational. Nothing in life made sense.
Not only did the dysfunction of my childhood hinder me, so did the inability to understand the loss of my family members. It created a sense of powerlessness which controlled me with anxiety and fear.
For years, I couldn't shake it. I lived in constant fear of a pending death of the next loved one. Who would be next was always a lingering question.
It was a trigger that ignited a raging mess.
Eventually I was done feeling weak, being victimized by a fallen world. I was tired of living in the insanity of my emotions. Instinctively, I knew that finding a church, finding God, would ease the pain of my loss.
Anything had to be better than living numb and depleted. Though fear would go on trying to keep me captive, God started to reveal His goodness to my heart. The more I've learned about having a relationship with God, less fear controlled my circumstances.
Because I was bound by a misplaced loyalty to fear I hadn't been able to trust or to learn about the freedom God desired for me. I was a prisoner of fear. Ultimately, I had been led by the negative emotions instead of the loving heart of God. Fear had prevented me from moving forward into healing and the life He had created. It kept me from understanding God and the freedom he wanted to give me. And it stole much more. Years and relationships that were meant for His goodness were taken.
But God, with his gracious heart, pursued my broken heart. As my perception of who He was became my anchor, my heart softened. I began to believe and have faith in who He was and His word. I began seeing and experiencing new defining moments in life, ones not led by fear. They consisted of faith. At times, fear can still be my first reaction. But then I hear the whisper of God saying, "Fear not, I am with you." My loyalty was once misplaced. Now, I lay it down at Jesus's feet.
Whatever you may be facing today, rest knowing God is with you right now, waiting to walk with you through your circumstances. May you be blessed today.