​In most relationships, there is conflict. The way that you deal with conflict is so important to being close. John Gottman suggests using specific word to help people repair their relationships when there is conflict. He suggests using "I feel" statements instead of "You" statements. Saying how you feel with "I feel" statements allows the other person to hear you without becoming defensive. It's a non-threatening way of communicating.
Please say that more gently.
I feel blamed. Can you rephrase that?
I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that?
I feel criticized. Can you rephrase that?
I need things to be calmer right now.
Can you listen to me right now and try to understand?
Please help me calm down.
I am starting to feel flooded.
Can we talk about something else for a while?
Apologies and taking responsibility for your part can be really powerful, especially when they're heartfelt. They can immediately change the intensity of the interaction and start moving you in a different direction.
My reactions were too extreme. Sorry about that.
Finally, in every conflict there is a way to get to a resolution. Providing some positive comments can be very helpful in getting you to an agreement.
I agree with part of what you're saying.
Let's find our common ground.
I never thought of things that way.
Let's agree to include both our views in a solution.
Using these statements and tools involves being kind. Kindness is the glue to healthy relationships. Kindness is like a muscle – it's easier to be kind the more you practice. It's difficult to practice kindness during a fight when emotions are running high. When you're emotional, it can be hard to think of what to say to be kind. But these kind words can be powerful tools to repair feelings during a conflict so that the end result is a much closer, more intimate relationship.