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Some years ago, a Russian oil baron who had six children, all girls, began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son and heir.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the baron took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him United Airlines.
Just before his son's seventh birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.
Just before his son's eighth birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons.
Just before his son's ninth birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit." Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him Chelsea Football club.
Chelsea Manager Andre Villas-Boas has set hapless striker Fernando Torres the target of simply hitting some kind of town, in an attempt to boost his confidence in front of goal. The £50million pound forward was seen to miss a finish a Scalextric car could've converted on Sunday forcing the former Porto boss to lower his expectations of where Torres can actually kick a football.
A pair of football boots have been fined by Chelsea, after claiming their owner Fernando Torres is s***, slow and prone to smelly feet. The outburst came on a Spanish radio station in which the boots told presenter Juan Momente-Calla 'why couldn't we be owned by Ross Turnbull? At least that way we'd be kept clean. Sitting on a bench being rubbish is one thing but running around skying things over the bar is just embarrassing.'
With the Premier League kickoff fast approaching we started thinking about a time saving way of reading through all the reviews and predictions. So like anyone who couldn't really be bothered to read we instead turned to pictures! And moving ones at that. To get a basic understanding of how the supposed top six is going to turn out, we've chosen one film moment for each club that is likely to sum up their season:
Neymar's hair looks ridiculous the DA revealed last night, after studying several images in which the Brazilian star looks like a complete and utter pillock. The style is modelled on Sonic the Hedgehog being struck by lightning and is shaven round the back and sides to enhance wind resistance and t**t comparisons. A spokesman for the site said 'I have never seen a hairdresser make such a balls up of one man's head.'
New Chelsea boss Andre Villas-Boas has asked the English media not to draw comparisons between him and mirror image Jose Mourinho, prompting the nation's press to all put pen to paper on clever articles to describe why he is exactly like Jose Mourinho, just with a slightly more attacking style. Chelsea paid Porto £13million to release Villas-Boas from his contract in the latest chapter of the Roman Abramovich can't admit he was wrong about Mourinho saga.