Could Biden's infrastructure bill fix real problems instead of fake ones? Yes! It's an outrage!
By REX HUPPKE
For President Joe Biden to get his outrageous, socialist, communist, Maoist (and probably Satanist) $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill passed, he had to pull off the most devious act of his administration: tricking 13 Republicans in the U.S. House into governing.
I don't know if he used big-tech-facilitated mind control or some form of sleepy witchcraft, but it happened. Biden distracted this same-sex-wedding-cake baker's dozen of GOP lawmakers from the party's sworn mission of being outraged about things that don't exist while offering no policies to address the things that do.
You should be enraged over this deception, and also very, very frightened about whatever Tucker Carlson is currently telling you to fear. (Remember, if you allow your brain to stop being terrified of unseen boogeymen even for a moment, it might start working, and that's tyranny.)
So let's take a closer look at what this nefarious new infrastructure bill will NOT do for America.
Will it audit the results of the 2020 presidential election in every state in the country and then reinstate President Donald Trump so he can pass a similar infrastructure bill that we Republicans will praise as the greatest legislation in human history? No.
Will it eradicate "the woke mob" and "wokeness" in general while allowing us to never actually define what either of those terms mean? Of course not.
Will it keep Antifa super soldiers from patrolling the Christmas decoration aisles at Walmart and telling me at gunpoint that I have to say "Happy Holidays"? Again, no.
Instead, this liberal plan—supported by radical left-wing organizations like the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and the National Association of Manufacturers — will invest money in things Americans need, when we should be investing money in things Americans have been told to fear.
For example, the infrastructure bill puts $110 billion toward fixing the country's aging roads, highways and bridges. Ridiculous! Real Americans embrace the possibility they might fall to their deaths when driving across a bridge. Bridge safety is for effete Europeans.
And will our modernized roads and highways make it easier for large migrant caravans to go from school to school teaching our children about Critical Race Theory? Yes, probably. You should feel very worried about that.
The bill also provides $65 billion to improve the nation's power grid, which is absurd. Republican Sen. Ted Cruz showed Americans how to patriotically handle power grid issues earlier this year when a winter storm caused massive outages in Texas. He bravely gathered his family and flew to Cancun, Mexico.
We must stand strong in the face of productive policy ideas and stick to our All-American style of governing via scary internet meme.
Biden's America-destroying infrastructure plan will give another $65 billion to improve internet service in rural areas, a clear effort to poison MAGA country with knowledge. And it will throw money at improving airports, upgrading public transportation and replacing lead water pipes, all of which sounds highly suspicious. What about our freedom to drink lead-contaminated water while waiting in a broken-down bus on our way to the airport for a flight that has been delayed?
Perhaps most galling of all is that Biden—who is clearly senile and incapable of stringing thoughts together and also the most diabolical politician to ever live—keeps calling the infrastructure bill "bipartisan," just because members of both parties debated, gave concessions and then voted for it. As if that's what "bipartisan" means.
Here's Republican Sen. Mitt Romney traitorously tweeting about the bill on Monday: "Utah has over 2,000 miles of roads in poor condition. Commute times are up and road conditions are costing Utah drivers money. Our bipartisan infrastructure bill authorizes roughly $3 billion in highway funding for Utah to construct, rebuild, and maintain our roads and highways."
What kind of Republican tries to improve the living conditions of his constituents?
Mitch McConnell, clearly hypnotized, continued to tarnish the GOP brand, saying Monday: "I was delighted that the House finally found a way to pass the infrastructure bill last week."
And after the bill was passed in the House, Republican Rep. John Katko, a RINO (Republican In Name Only) and CWAG (Conservative Who Accidentally Governed), tweeted that it was "a historic day," adding: "The bill will make a once in a generation investment in our nation's physical infrastructure, including our roads and bridges, ports and waterways, broadband networks, electrical grid, clean water systems, and airports."
You know what's missing from that list, Mr. So-Called Republican? Anything having to do with condemning Big Bird for recently bragging about getting the COVID-19 vaccine.
And what about the War on Christmas? Do these Republicans in Congress not appreciate the seriousness of this battle for the soul of Starbucks holiday cups?
This is not a time to spend money fixing the problems Americans can see with their eyes. It's a time to fearmonger the problems Americans hear with their ears because we keep telling the same scary stories over and over.
Shame on Joe Biden for luring these once-good Republicans into his web and convincing them to do what they were elected to do.
I and my fellow conservatives will not stand idly by and allow this sort of governing, mixed with a glimmer of bipartisanship, to continue.
We must stand strong in the face of productive policy ideas and stick to our All-American style of governing via scary internet meme. It's what the founders wanted before they were canceled by woke social justice warriors who sent their children to liberal re-education camps and put microchips in their mutton.
Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune.