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'I sabotaged our adoption on purpose'
He says he tried everything else, but was left no choice.
Claire Haiek | May 21, 2019
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What happens when you feel like you're caught up in an idea you can't stop? It feels like you're stuck in a moving car and no matter how hard you try to slam your foot down on the brakes, the car only increases in speed.
Most people will find a way to throw themselves out of the moving car. Which is kind of what this man has done, but some argue his method was morally wrong.
"We weren't getting pregnant"
A man posted to Reddit, describing how he intentionally sabotaged his wife's intention to adopt a child after she refused to take his feelings into consideration.
The man said he met his wife when they were in their 30s and they started trying to start a family when she was in her final year of her PhD program.
They waited until they were ready for a family. Image: iStock.
"Everything checked out for both of us medically but we weren't getting pregnant," the man wrote in his post.
So the couple began to discuss other options included fertility assistance and adoption.
"My wife (who is a bit of a SJW [social justice warrior], a giver and a crusader) was really excited about adoption. She actually mentioned early in our relationship that she always thought she wanted to adopt," he continued.
The man admitted he did say he may be open to adoption in the future, but that his focus was on trying to conceive "genetic children".
The couple were able to conceive a baby girl not long after, and then went on to have a boy the following year.
He says life was pretty crazy when the kids were younger, but six years on, he's pretty content with where their lives are.
"Six months back my wife began hinting she might want another baby," he said.
They decided as a couple, that having a child in their 40s wasn't feasible, and again, the topic of adoption arose.
"I was honest that I liked our lives now, I didn't want to disrupt things. I didn't mention that deep down I don't want to raise another person's child, and that while if I was forced to I would do an admirable job I could never love another person's child like I do my own," he said.
They went on with their lives, but the topic of adoption always led to arguments. The man repeatedly told his wife that he did not want to adopt, but she refused to take no for an answer. He then agreed to attend an interview with an adoption agency with an "open mind" to appease his wife.
"That occured last week and I left feeling more certain than ever I do NOT want to adopt," he continued, adding that his wife seems only more determined.
"At a loss I told my wife something along the lines of letting the chips fall where they may and I would accept it.
"The following morning I drove to the agency sat down with our interviewer alone gave her the cliff notes version and told her bluntly that we would accept a child but I had very strong reservations about being an adoptive father."
The man asked for the conversation to remain a secret, but has asked if he is being an asshole for sabotaging the process.
The internet was torn on whether or not the man was in the wrong.
He went along with the appointment. Image: iStock.
"That's an asshole move"
"If you don't want to adopt that's fine," responded one person. "You told your wife that you didn't want to adopt, that's good. However, rather than actually letting the 'chips fall where they may' you did an end-around of your wife, went directly to the agency and told them you didn't want to adopt, then told them not to tell your wife so you can hopefully come out of this all clear but also not have to raise some icky adopted baby. That's an asshole move."
Another said it wouldn't have mattered how straight the man was with his wife as she probably wouldn't have listened anyway:
"I don't think the reason would be much help with his wife, she doesn't seem to like his 'no' answer."
"I think the only assholish move was to go to the first meeting with an 'open mind' to get her hopes up. He could have just kept his foot down kept saying he didn't want to adopt."
And one said his asshole move was going along with the appointment:
"Going to the adoption agency is tacitly telling her that he is back on board. When she gets the rejection letter, he will not say, 'Of course, because I told them I don't want the kid'. No, he will shrug his shoulders and say, 'I wonder what could have possibly caused them to do that?'"
What do you think? Does her unwillingness to listen justify him going behind her back to the agency?
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