Crime Jokes
An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.
His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.
When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...
Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve?
There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...
"Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride into enemy's eyes?"
"Yes, that's assault."
"I know its a salt but, is it a crime?
After many years of fighting crime as batman
Bruce Wayne finally got married and had a son. His son turned out to be brilliant at investing, especially in bitcoin, making Wayne Enterprises one of the biggest companies on the planet.
All this time, Bruce had been training him, and when the time was right, Bruce introduced his son to the ...
Why does government hate organised crime?
They don't like competition
A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.
The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."
The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."
My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.
"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.
"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.
What does the crime stoppers hot line and a gloryhole have in common?
The tips will always remain anonymous
There was a guy whose sexual fetish was being harshly sentenced in court, so he committed a crime and was arrested and went to court.
The Judge let him go with no charges, said he's not getting off that easy.
How do you commit a hate crime against a European?
Make their food spicy
"You know what really makes my blood boil", asked my clearly agitated wife whilst we watched a show about unsolved crimes.
"Yes", I replied whilst further lowering the atmospheric pressure in her tank.
A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...
At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.
Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...
8:45 PM, Arrive at the crime scene
- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim's phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the murderer was driving away...
The head of an organized crime syndicate realized his accountant had been skimming money from him for years.
Unfortunately the accountant only spoke Russian. So the boss hired a Russian interpreter and busted into the accountant's home.
He tells to the interpreter, "tell him I want to know where my money is, AND I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!!" The interpreter conveys the message in Russian and the acco...
A duck and a detective are investigating a crime scene.
Duck: It looks like the man was stabbed
Detective : Do you suspect fowl play?
Duck: please focus, there may be a killer on the loose.
Detective: You're right, I really hope we can quack this case and put it to bread
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?
I think they just ransomware.
11:45 Arrive at the crime scene
11:45 Examine body, signs of a struggle
11:45 Found murder weapon in storm drain
11:45 Realize watch is broken
Who do you call when there's a crime happening in Indiana?
The Indanapolis
The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.
The boss stood before them.
"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.
"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...
If batman didn't fight crime, he would have opened a vineyard...
... Because he brews wine.
It's easier to conduct undercover crime investigations on Reddit or Twitter.
You don't get followed easily.
If I caught a crime on an Apple device
Would that make me an iWitness?
What happens when a battery commits a crime?
They get charged
A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.
The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, "Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?"
The judge says, "That is correct."
"And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding?"
"No," says the judge, "you are free to ca...
A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.
"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."
"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...
Don't get involved in organized insect crimes.
The mothia is ruthless.
We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene
It doesn't add up
If having a big dick was a crime
I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.
The private detective is called to a crime scene
As he enters the very large and rustic mansion, he is led to the location where the body was found. It seems like the perfect crime scene. No prints, no clues, just a dead man, with no signs of how he was murdered.
The detective says: "do you have any suspects?" The police officer in charge o...
I joined a crime syndicate that steals and counterfeits valuable art
I don't like what they do, I'm just in it for the Monet
A guy walks into a prison
He gets off the bus and he meets this big brute infringe of him. The brute says
"What's your crime and where are you from?"
The guy responds :
"Well I'm from Bradford, and I commuted arsine, but why? What do you need that for?"
The brute says: "well we all have nicknames, made from our c...
It is a crime to tell a joke to Optimus Prime.
You might be charged with Vehicular Man's Laughter.
*Ouch!!* *Zut alors!!*
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime ...
For past 20 years, my wife has been complaining about my not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.
This anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.
For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste.
I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.
Finally, last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "Why have you stopped br...
Cloning ethics question.
Cloning yourself and pushing your clone off a cliff to its death is probably a crime, but what crime is it?
Is it murder?
Suicide?
Or making an obscene clone fall?
I thought I'd be put in jail for resisting arrest
But as it turns out, insomnia isn't a crime.
A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.
The therapist says "I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath."
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath
"So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I'm not sure if it was th...
What is coffee's least favorite crime?
Muggings
A physicist on trial for murder stated that Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle made it impossible to place him at the scene of the crime
The judge gave him a life sentence and told him to use his expertise to determine what quantity of his person was within or outside of prison at any given time
I am very upset with my mom. When I was growing up she told me, "You can be whoever you want to be."
That's not true. Turns out Identity Theft is a crime!
There's no way Abraham Lincoln will be found guilty of any crime....
Because he'll always be in a cent.
Rich people use their money and infleunce to avoid standing trials about their crimes
Jeffrey Epstein learnt this the hard way
A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.
Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e
*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*
Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.
John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.
Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.
At trial, the judge condemns ...
How do I kill my family and strangers without committing a crime?
Vax evasion
Here's one my dad told me a few months ago:
Billy the Kid, the great bandit of the Wild West, is finally captured by the long arm of the law. For all of his crimes, he is sentenced to life in prison. Before he is slammed up, the sheriff allows Billy three final wishes.
"For my first wish," Billy says, "I'd like to make a request to my ...
Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.
One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"
"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...
The police bring a phone to the station for questioning. They soon find out his shocking crime.
He was charged in connection with battery.
This guy on the train called me a racist!
I dont even see how although. I mean I am a white guy. I mean white people can't be racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for minorities
If a Mac user
If a Mac user sees a crime being committed, does she become an iWitness?
A man loses his hat and decides the easiest way to get another one is to steal it.
He goes to the church cloakroom to get a hat. A sermon about the Ten Commandments was going on. The man pauses to listen and then changes his mind. On nearing the exit, he runs into the pastor.
He says, "I came here with sin in my heart. I must say, you saved me from crime."
The pastor...
If being sexy is a crime.......
Then I'm a law abiding citizen
If being handsome is a crime...
I would be a law-abiding citizen
Sometimes I go out and commit crimes
Just to feel wanted
That pro-crime culture is getting ridiculous!
My little brother's teacher asked "Who shot Abraham Lincoln?". He answered "John Wilkes Booth", and the next recess, his locker had "STOP SNITCHING" painted on it.
A man yelled on the GreatWall of China, "Xi the pooh has a tiny penis"
He was caught by the police in a minute.
He was then notified that all of his family members are held up by the police. In the same evening, he was brought to the court.
The judge: You committed a very serious crime, you need not talk, you are now sentenced to death, so are you...
In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.
The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.
"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.
The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.
Caeser was shocked. He told the guards
"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...
The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?
Because its illegal.
edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course
edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.
You all have heard about Joker, the Clown Prince of Crime.
But have you heard about his father who was Joking.
If being handsome was a crime I'd get a life sentence.
Mainly because of the bodies in my basement, but that's neither here nor there.
(DARK) Where does a suicide bomber go after they commit their crime
Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree
He's wanted dead and alive
[NSFW] Superman had a hard week fighting crime and was ready for some fun.
He was flying home when he saw Wonder Woman sunbathing naked on the beach. "Wow", he said to himself, "I can fly down there at the speed of light and get a quickie before she knows what happened"
So Superman flew down, took advantage and then was gone.
"What the hell was that" asked Won...
An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her
She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what ...
I hate it when people call their girlfriend their "partner in crime"
We get it man she's underage
What do they call arson in France?
Crime brulè
I'm hiring a group of time travellers to come on an epic mission to fight crime across the 4th dimension.
If you're interested, interview was yesterday
When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.
That's Arkham's Razor.
If being sexy was a crime,
I'd be arrested.
Then released for lack of evidence..
Did you hear about the hate crime in NASCAR the other day?
Turns out, it was just some fake noose.
How do you get a conservative to admit that Trump is a criminal?
Describe one of his crimes, but get one detail wrong, then wait for them to correct you.
The Human Crime Detector
The police have had trouble determining whether or not their suspects are guilty of committing the crimes they were arrested for. After hearing word of a man able to determine if any person brought before him committed a crime, they decide to consult him.
They bring the first suspect in, and...
A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.
They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.
A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed court heari...
A duck does a crime
A duck was found guilty to the charges of carrying illegal drugs such cocaine, but the police questioned him to find out who he bought them from
The police bring in an officer to see if he can get him to confess: "hey, we will make sure you get off scott free if you tell us who sold you these...
A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.
A cop fills him in on what happened.
"Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy"
"Wow" says the detective, looking up at the train in question.
"That's some locomotive"
I never plan anything I do in my life.
I don't want any of my crimes to be considered "premeditated ".
What do you call a retirement community for crime-fighting arboreal rodentia?
Squirrelock Homes
(wait for it)
court-martial long
I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years.
We get called Red Caps.
I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.
I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall.
Turned quite violent.
I got bruised and worse.
The police were called to a crime scene.
They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.
She screamed "My husband. What have I done?"
Cop "How many times did you hit him?
Wife " I don't remember. Put me down for a six"
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the President narrowed the field to three finalists, the CIA, the FBI, and the N.Y.P.D. The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.
The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the for...
If not using commas was a crime
would it result in long sentences?
What crime was the Energiser Bunny guilty of?
Why doesn't Rick Harrison ever commit a crime and then pin it on another person?
Because he'd have to get a buddy of his, and frame him. He's taking all the risk here.
A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered
They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins
Me: I want to be a pathologist and help solve crimes doing autopsies.
Skeptical girlfriend: Autopsies are a dying profession.
What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes?
An investi-gator.
What do you say to a guy who committed a crime on dialysis?
I was defending myself after a crime spree by explaining that I had hypothermia and turned into a superconductor.
I couldn't resist.
Why does organized crime have that common criminals don't?
A con-census.
A peach murder-suicides his wife and children…
Three days later, a pineapple detective arrives to the crime scene and begins to observe the deteriorated remains of the family.
Pineapple says, "well that's just the pits."
If being sexy was a crime I'd be serving a life sentence...
... for man slaughter
What do you call a short psychic that's just committed a crime?
A small medium at large!
C'mon!
I heard that Gotye used to give oral sex to a police officer so he'd turn a blind eye to his crimes.
The officer eventually arrested him, despite this. Now he's just some Bobby that he used to blow.
Three prisoners were sentenced to death for their crimes
Each of the three prisoners were brought up one at a time in front of the firing squad.
The first man was up and the captain began to shout " ready... aim...." and the prisoner yelled "Tornado!!!". Everyone ran for cover and the first prisoner got away.
The second man was brought forth...
A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.
The police chief in desperation hired a quality assurance officer to check what was wrong.
The QA officer proposed that if the chief's detectives can solve all murders committed by him, then he w...
You b*****d!
A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.
"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."
A voice in the back yells:
"You bastard!"
"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...
If being hot was a crime
i'd be a clean man
I once saw a weight commit crime
I thought "Weight that's illegal"
How do cats report crimes?
They call Paw Enforcement!
...I'll show myself out
Why don't religious people like rap music?
All rappers do is hop in the booth and confess to a bunch of crimes they've committed.
That's Catholicism.
Guy gets sent to prison for white-collar crime...
Guy gets sent to prison for white collar crime. It's his first sentence, so he decides to play it low key. His cellmate helpfully suggests if he has any questions he can just ask.
A month later, he says, "You know, I think I have the basic feel for the place, people to avoid, the guards...
Some Pharises are about to stone a woman for adultery.
They come to Jesus, telling him that she was caught in the act, and the punishment for such a crime is death.
Jesus famously states, "let the one who is without sin cast the first stone."
The crowd begins to look around at each other, realizing there isn't a pure soul among them, when...
Pablo Escobar gets his comeuppance
Back when Pablo Escobar was still a small time crook, he was known for peddling his product in the shady street corners of his home town.
One day during said nefarious activities, a bunch of local children rode by on their bikes and recognized his face. They promptly reported the heinous crim...
A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.
Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.
**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.
The man stood, shocked, before gathering his...
A farmer's wife had an affair with a Maple Tree.
A farmer's wife had an affair with a Maple tree. She was ashamed of her actions but her husband was always so busy with his farm work and rarely had time to tend to her needs. Once she became pregnant, the farmer had his suspicions, but after the baby was born, he was all but convinced the child was...
Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime?
Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That's why I became a cop.
So.. When Mr Freeze leaves a crime scene..
So... when Mr Freeze has left a crime scene, you know its his work because people are frozen/there are frozen objects around right?
I would go as far to say thats him leaving his "Cooling Card"
I went to the mall and you know those people that set up their little shops? Well, there is a dwarf in a little hut, and he tells fortunes. Come to find out he is a fugitive and wanted for some crimes.
I guess that makes him a small medium at large...
They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.
No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.
Did you guys hear that Rick Astley committed a crime that got him on death row?
He's going to be XcQted.
[NSFW] A joke my cousin heard from an amateur comedian in a New York show
I was at an anti-police violence rally and somebody was shouting "Cops suck dick! Cops suck dick!" And I thought to myself... "Man, if cops did suck dick I'd be committing crimes all the time!"
If there is one crime anti-maskers are guilty of...
It's Karen too much.
Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer.
Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.
*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *
Sherlock: So you didn't find any?
Officer: No shit, Sherlock.
If being Smart and Sexy was a crime
I'd be on America's Most wanted, not because I'm smart or sexy, but because I've committed various war crimes in Vietnam.
(This was probably done before.)
A man got hired as a freight train conductor. He wasn't very good and was responsible for significant losses of cargo, but he kept covering it up.
At one point he murdered another man who knew what was happening, and soon he started killing more threats to his position as conductor.
But a few years passed, and the conductor's murder record was discovered. Given the severity of his crimes, he was sentenced to death by electric chair.
A son says to his father: "Dad, I'm thinking about a career in organized crime."
Father: "Government or private sector?"
If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.
So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.
So I was watching tv last night and saw a trailer for the new fantastic four movie. It looks like its going to focus on their kids and how they team up to fight crime.
Apparently its going to be called "The Fantastic Four's Kin"
NSFW: A man commits a crime and goes to prison.
A man committed a crime and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. The guards take him to his cell and he finds his new 'roommate' is a HUGE black man. The guards leave, and of course he's very nervous.
A few minutes go by and the black guy says "We both gonna be here for a while, so you can de...
What crimes do trees have to commit to get the death penalty?
Treeson
Solving a crime in Alabama must be so hard
Everyone has the same damn DNA
theftlawmurderfelonyfraudrobberyhomicidepolicecountrygovernmentlifthijacktortpiratehighjackmisdemeanorcriminaloffenceguiltcorruptshoplifttransgressionjurisdictionkillimprisonmentguiltyoffenselaw-breakingvictimillegalstatutorywar crimelibertytrialsentencecommitstatecriminologyrevengetraffickingcriminalsterrorismcorruptionterrormurderscriminalityviolenceprostitutiongangsnarcotics