by Sandy Tritt If the first rule of writing is Show, Don't Tell, thesecond should be Keep It Active. Active voice is what puts us in themiddle of the action and allows us to feel. Passive voice is whatgives us the feeling that someone is telling us a story that happened onceupon a time. Ray could suddenly feel the room widely circlingaround him before he started to wake up. He was feeling completelyhorrible. He hated feeling that way. Slowly rolling to his stomach andsilently swinging one leg off the bed, he could use the floor as ananchor. The floor was solid and it would help to stop the dizziness. Therewas a good chance he would be very sick. Exciting, huh? Okay, let's examine why this leaves usbreathless with boredom. - Unnecessary words. Any word that doesn't add to yourstory detracts from it. Examine your prose for words like these: startedto, began to, proceeded to, could, would, there was, there are, thereis, there were, seemed to, tried to.- Inactive verbs. Watch for passive verbs, such as was,is, were, are. Replace them with active verbs, the most active anddescriptive words you can think of.- Avoid -ing words. Verbs ending with "ing" are bynature more passive than those ending with "ed."- Adverbs. Those -ly words that precede a verb weakenit, not strengthen it. If your verb isn't strong enough to make thestatement you want it to make, find a stronger verb. - Avoid Intensifiers. Very, really, totally,completely, truly and so on. Is completely empty any more empty?Before we look at our example above, let's examine eachof these concepts individually and see how they suck the power right outof our prose. Each of the following sentence pairs gives a poorly writtensentence, followed by one that improves it. - It is the governor's plan to visit tomorrow. The governor plans to visit tomorrow. - John proceeded to dump sand on the castle. John dumped sand on the castle. - There were eight tinyreindeer leading Santa's sleigh. Eight tiny reindeer led- Jack could hear laughter. Jack heard- Erin was sleeping. Erin slept. - Mike was very tired. Mike was exhausted. (Better yet: Exhaustion dripped through Mike's bones like slow- She quickly and purposefully walked to Jarodand sharply hit his arm. She strode to Jarod andpunched his arm. Now, before we apply these concepts to our exampleparagraph above, give it a try yourself. But be advised, more than oneanswer is possible, and I took it a step further and omitted completesentences that added no value and redesigned others for a more effectiveReady? This is what I came up with: The room circled around Ray. He rolled to his stomachand swung one leg off the bed, using the floor as an anchor. Even beforehe opened his eyes, he knew he would be sick. Half as many words, twice the power. If you wantadditional instruction or explanation on this, study the previousdiscussion on "Say it Once, Say it Right." Learning to change ineffective passive prose into activevoice is one of the most important things you can do to increase thequality of your fiction. Study this lesson until you can apply it to your(c) copyright 1999 by Sandy Tritt. All rights reserved,except for those listed here. May be reproduced for educational purposes(such as for writer's workshops), as long as this copyright notice and theurl: http://tritt.wirefire.com are distributed with the pages. For use inconferences or other uses not mentioned here, please contact Sandy Trittfor permission and additional resources at no or limited charge. by Bruce L. CookWhat can fiction writers learn fromthe textbook market? Plenty. And itís all about quality, believe it orWeíre talking about quality as abusiness proposition. One of Demingís original 14 points (donít worry ifyou havenít heard about this.) The point that matters here is the one thatconnects the business with its customers. The business evaluates its workby feedback from its customers. Radical, huh?What about fiction writers? Are theyin contact with their customers? Do they see quality in this way? Or arethey writing for someone else? Take textbook publishers, for example. Their books are purchased by students who are their legitimate customers. But, when textbook publishers want to revise or improve the textbooks, dothey talk to the student customers? No, they talk to someone else. Basically, they talk to the professors at their academic conferences andmeetings. Why? Because itís the professors who select the books thestudents will buy. Not such a good deal for students. OK, but fiction writers write fortheir readers, you say. Do they? Do you? Think about it? (And if theydonít, itís not such a good deal for the readers, is it?) When you send a manuscript out forpublication, what audience do you think of? The readers, or the publisherswho will publish the book for the readers. Címon, admit it. Maybe youthrew in a sex scene into an adventure story so the publisher would buyit. Why? So you could sell the manuscript to a publisher. Or maybeyou have compromised your values in some other, less visible, way. On the other hand, when you know thepublisher will use the manuscript, are you now writing for your pastteachers or some other peer group. In other words, are you trying to scorepoints with your peers? I suggest that we have too much ofthis in the publishing world. Somewhere we are losing our concern for ourreaders. And, in our eagerness to please others, we may be failing at ourresponsibility to become self-reliant writers too? We need to have our own opinions andfeelings. Why write if not to express these personal treasures? We need toavoid the easier path where we merely reflect what we expect peers toBruce Cook, EditorThe AuthorMe.com GroupGo Back in Time!... our new all - immersion Life of Jesus (Part 1) from David C. CookIII. You'll become a true believer. Visit...is dedicated to the memory of David C. Cook III. This Just In Ė From Paul the ApostleBy Kurt Schullerinspired work recreatingFire Can Burn Youby Jack Noel, Charter MemberThere's no better time in a writer's life than when they discoverthey've finally caught fire and are producing works worthy of showing tothe world. But it's when the newly burning literary torch eagerlyventures into the forest of agents and publishers that his or her light isin most danger of being stolen or extinguished. It's generally known thatsome of those who offer to pass around one's first manuscript are actuallywolves disguised as competent agents with legitimate entry to publishingoffices. What's less known is that these scamming agents are often workingfor equally fraudulent publishers. This and other traps await theThe best way to protect yourself from getting burned is to becomeacquainted with the various scams and frauds. To help, there are sourcesyou can go to which will illuminate the wolves lurking in theunderbrush. One of these is given here. I'll wager that some of whatyou'll see will open your eyes wider than Little Red Riding Hood's. Jack R. NoelHere's the link. Special on CritiquesFirst ten pages free, and, for a limited time, all additional pages at50% off the regular rate of $2.00 per page. Just mention PublishingNew Writers Newsletter (October, 2001). Critiques by Sandy Tritt... Unlike most editors, I consider my role to be a mentor or a coach. Instead of just telling you what is wrong, I explain how to correct theproblem, and I work with you to teach you how to write effective prose. More than 50% of my business is repeat business, and I relishestablishing long-term relationships with other writers. Treat you with respect and compassion. All criticism will be of the"constructive" sort. My purpose is to improve your writing, not todestroy your confidence. Mark your manuscript, correcting grammatical and spelling errors andsuggesting alternative wording where appropriate, line-by-line. Highlight areas that are especially well-written, so you will knowwhere your strengths are. Where appropriate, offer suggestions for plot development, characterdevelopment or other areas that could be strengthened. Return a two-to-four page written analysis of your work. This willinclude evaluation of: plot, setting, characterization, dialogue,special effects (flash forwards, flashbacks, etc.), voice, point of viewand any other areas particular to your work. If appropriate, recommend reading or resources to strengthen yourareas of weakness. Answer any questions you may have via email. Provide my telephone number for a personal follow-up, if you desire. For Sandy's success stories, seeWrite Sandy at firstname.lastname@example.org(See Sandy's article in the left column.) Visit our sister websites... Publishing New Writers,October, 2001 (no.210) Editor Bruce L. Cook, P.O. Box 451, Dundee, IL 60118. Fax (847) 428-8974. If [you] can continue tosend me more useful information of any sort pertaining to writingit would be greatly appreciated. Your March newsletter has alreadybeen of a good deal of help to me. Submissions and comments to email@example.com. Links areTo subscribe and/or review our archive of past newsletters, go to