The Stöned Age
In the opening scene, "Crump's brother" is hitchhiking on a busy highway. After a few cars pass him by, Crump's brother recognizes and yells at a long-haired teen in an old Ford pickup who screeches to a stop to pick him up. Crump's brother is obviously a tough guy. He tells the driver about two girls he knows about in Torrance Beach that he's planning to spend the night with. Later that day at Petro Park, a hangout in Orange County, the driver of the pickup tells some other dudes (known as "the guzzlers"), about the two girls. Tack, one of the guzzlers, walks away from the others, obviously on some sort of mission. We can only wonder what he's up to as the opening credits roll.During the title sequence we meet Joe (Michael Kopelow) and Hubbs (Bradford Tatum), two typical long-haired teens who are bombing around in their 1960s Volkswagen Type II Squareback, The "Blue Torpedo". They're looking to party, but there isn't much going on. As if to emphasize the point, Joe's 8-track copy of "Hocus Pocus" by Focus is eaten by the tape deck. He then puts on "Don't Fear The Reaper" by Blue Öyster Cult, but Hubbs calls it a "pussy song" and orders him to take it out. Joe counters by saying: "If it's B.O.C. how can it be pussy?", but Hubbs doesn't want to hear it, and grabs Joe in a headlock until he complies.They make a stop to chat up the homely "Buffalo Chicks" and get the lowdown on the evening's parties. Then, cruising once again, they pass Tack, (played by Clifton Collins Jr. in one of his first film roles), who's trying to flag them down. Joe, at the urging of Hubbs, spits a loogey on Tack as Tack yells out "I got some chicks, man!". Hubbs shouts: "Tack's got some chicks?" and screeches to a halt to find out more. After failing to get Tack to reveal what he knows about the chicks, they reluctantly let him into the car. That's when Tack reveals that he has a "shitload of fine chicks" staying near "that Frankie Avalon place" down in Torrance Beach. Since Torrance Beach is some distance away, they then argue about money and gas. Hubbs yells: "Information without transportation equals dick! If it weren't for us you'd still be sitting in the road jerking off!" He then punches Tack and gets him to give up his weekend beer money.After stopping for gas and cigarettes, Hubbs and Joe talk to Crump, the gas station attendant. Crump tells them about two "radical chicks" his brother has down in Torrance Beach near "that Frankie Avalon place." He then tells them that it's a closed party because there are only two chicks there. Hubbs, knowing now that Tack lied, tells Crump that a babe named Desiree Gibson, whom Crump's brother likes, is doing "amateur night" at Dirty Dougs', a strip club down the coast, hoping to divert both Crumps away from the chicks in Torrance Beach.Hubbs then gets back into the Blue Torpedo and tells Tack to get out and wash the windows. Tack argues, saying he bought the gas, but Hubbs is adamant: "If I'm gonna haul your ass down there I'm gonna need clean windows." Tack gives in, gets out, and heads off to get a squeegee. But Joe hops in the car and they zoom off, ditching Tack. Knowing he's been duped, Tack chases after them and grabs onto the open window, begging Joe and Hubbs not to worm him out of the deal. But Hubbs punches Tack in the face and sends him sprawling across the parking lot as the Blue Torpedo squeals around the corner and out of sight.Soon, Hubbs and Joe arrive at a house in Torrance Beach and spy a sexy silhouette in a second-floor window. When they knock on the door, they meet the very sexy Lanie (Renee Ammann). Lanie grills them on drugs (they have none) and won't let them in unless they come back with a bottle of 151. So Hubbs and Joe head off to Liquor World, manage to sneak a bottle of 151 past the crazy disco clerk (played in a star cameo by Taylor Negron), Officer Dean and his partner, two inept Barney Fife-ish cops, and head back to Lanie's place to party.Across town, Tack needs another ride, and calls up Norm "Snot-rag" Hankey. But Snot-rag wants to watch his favorite TV show, The Dukes of Hazzard(!). But Tack replies: "You wanna watch the fuckin' 'Dukes of Hazzard instead of getting laid?? I'm comin' over, man!" So Tack shows up at the Hankey household and soon convinces Mrs. Hankey to let her son go cruising with Tack. Tack drives, screeching out of the driveway in a hurry to catch up with Joe and Hubbs.Meanwhile, Joe and Hubbs have returned to Lanie's house only to be met by the owner's daughter, Jill (played by China Kantner, who has a cute, slightly husky voice she may have inherited from her mom). If they are disappointed by her average looks, she is equally unimpressed by them ("You guys must be looking for the homeless sponge-bath party. It's two doors down"). But the bottle of 151 gains them entrance to the house. After drinking and listening to some rock music with Lanie and Jill, Joe mentions that Lanie looks "just like that chick from the Virgin Killer album"). They then discuss concerts, and Joe talks about being hit by a laser at a Blue Öyster Cult show and seeing a "huge gnarly eyeball" staring right at him. The girls look at Joe with concern, and Hubbs berates him later for being such a space case ("You're blowin' it, dude!").The girls take a quick bathroom break, and Lanie tells Jill she thinks Hubbs looks like Ritchie Blackmore of Deep Purple, and tries to get Jill to go for Joe, an idea Jill immediately laughs off. Meanwhile, Joe and Hubbs are busy urinating in the ice cube tray and raiding her dad's kitchen for snacks. Soon, there's a knock on Jill's door; as Tack and Snot-rag arrive. After a brief struggle for dominance, Tack reveals that there's a party in Palos Verdes. When the girls look intrigued, Hubbs protests, saying: "C'mon, you don't wanna party with a bunch of Palos Verdes rich kids, do you?." But of course, they do.So next we see the group being driven in Hanky's Camaro by Tack, wildly. When they arrive in P.V., Muldoon, the rich-boy host (played by Jake Busey), lets the girls in to the party but slams the door on the guys. Disappointed, they skulk around back and find the Petro Park Guzzlers drinking from kegs in Muldoon's back yard with the Buffalo Chicks. Joe, frustrated that he lost his chance to party, looks for a way in, but gets flipped off by Muldoon.Then, Joe gets a break. From the patio, he witnesses Lanie slap Muldoon across the face. When she comes outside, she asks Joe: "What does someone have to do to get some drugs in this city?" That's when Joe reveals that he has some marjiuana back in the Torpedo. Lanie, excited at the prospect, is ready to book right then, but Joe, ever the nice guy, is wary about ditching his buddy Hubbs. However, when Lanie offers to show him her new bikini, it's an offer he can't refuse, and soon they're getting high in Jill's neighbor's pool. Meanwhile, Hubbs, pissed that he can't find Joe or Lanie, flees the scene angrily with Jill, just as the party is about to be broken up by Officer Dean and the LAPD.Soon Lanie realizes Joe's stash is nothing but "skank weed", and she's pissed. Worse, all of a sudden Hubbs arrives, grabs Joe in a headlock and warns him not to ditch him again. Joe is forced to watch Hubbs make out with Lanie, but he gets jealous and starts tossing furniture into the pool. When Hubbs and Lanie join in the infectious fun, the homeowner hears them and comes out of the house carrying a baseball bat. Luckily for Joe he swings wide, falling into the pool and allowing the three to make a break for it. They arrive home out of breath and laughing. Joe follows Lanie upstairs where he finally makes his move on her, but she effortlessly drops him to the floor, warning him to keep his hands off. Hubbs laughs at Joe, but later commends his actions.Meanwhile Tack and the Guzzlers, after a lecture by Officer Dean on teen drinking (and having their kegs confiscated), rally and decide to head to the chicks' house, after first stopping off at a liquor warehouse for supplies.Soon we see the carnage that follows Crumps brother's angry realization that he's been had at Dirty Doug's. He's off to find his chicks! Meanwhile, back in Torrance Beach, Hubbs has has scored with Lanie. At the same time Joe and Jill are arguing downstairs, and Jill stalks out and down to the beach. Joe catches up with her and they continue to talk, trying to make sense of their lives, which consist mostly of drinking, dating and getting stoned. Jill leaves Joe on the beach, where he sees the moon morph into a "huge gnarly eyeball".When they return to the house, they find Tack and the horny gang of Guzzlers chanting: "alcohol!" and marching with cases of Ox 45 (talls, of course) that they stole from a liquor warehouse. There's a confrontation at the front door, where Tack calls Jill a "fuckin' fat-ass" and the Guzzlers gang up on Joe when he tries to defend her honor. Grateful, Jill helps Joe back into the house after he subdues Tack, and they end up (maybe) getting high off of Joe's skank weed stash and listening to music while the Guzzlers camp out impatiently on the front porch and Hubbs makes hay with Lanie upstairs. After Jill heads off for a bathroom break, Joe gets nauseated from the Ox 45 and skank weed mix and "horks" under a chair cushion and passes out.When Joe comes to, he and Jill discuss Blue Öyster Cult and "Don't Fear The Reaper" being a pussy song. Just then, he's beckoned upstairs by Hubbs. Hubbs tells him that he lied to Lanie about Joe's bad luck, and Lanie has agreed to have sex with him! But when Joe enters the room, he finds Lanie sleeping (nude) on the bed. Watching her sleep, he thinks again about being hit by the laser at the Blue Öyster Cult show; daydreams about his life as a stoner; and envisions his eventual death as nothing but a stoner(all in an inspired tribute to 2001: A Space Odyssey) that even Stanley Kubrick might have enjoyed! When Joe comes out of his reverie, he decides it's not right to take advantage of Lanie, so he heads back downstairs, only to find Hubbs making out with Jill on the couch. Joe, jealous once again, interrupts them. Hubbs says it was all Jill's doing (something she doesn't deny).Then the trio hears a commotion outside. Crump's brother has shown up, and he's pushing around the Petro Park Guzzlers and trying to get inside the house by angrily thrashing the door. Joe and Hubbs are able to hold him off for a while, but eventually they flee to the kitchen, resigned to getting beat up by Crump's brother. But just when it looks like he is about to get inside, the yelling stops. Outside, Jill's father Warren (played by David Groh) can be seen knocking out Crumps Brother, and everyone else!Hubbs and Joe are celebrating their good luck --too early as it turns out-- as Warren enters his home, demanding to know who they are. Hubbs flees, but Joe is caught! Warren tosses Joe down the stairs and calls the police. After hearing the typical grownup lecture about "all that stinking heavy metal music", Joe has finally had enough! He stands up for Jill, Lanie, and himself, then makes his escape just in time through a window that Hubbs breaks.As the duo sneaks away, they see Officer Dean and the LAPD arresting Tack, the Guzzlers, and Crumps Brother. As Joe and Hubbs make tracks, Jill stops Joe in the back yard and asks why he didn't "go for" her. He replies: "I was working up to it!" Not needing a second invitation, he kisses her and asks for her last name so he can look her up afterwards. But her name is unpronounceable, so we know they'll probably never meet again.Safely back in the Blue Torpedo, Hubbs calls Joe a pussy for not "jumping on the grenade with Lanie when he had the chance." But by now Joe is feeling envy and jealousy too, and hits Hubbs. Hubbs responds forcefully enough, but when Hubbs calls Jill a fat-ass, Joe has finally had enough. He grabs Hubbs in a headlock and tells him to take it back! Hubbs finally relents and Joe, relishing his new-found power, calmly shoves his favorite song, "Don't Fear The Reaper" back into the 8-track. Hubbs looks like he wants to say it's a pussy song again, but this time, he thinks better of it, and rides along in silence. Joe has won.As Joe drives away in the Blue Torpedo, he sees the "huge gnarly eyeball" following him in the rear view mirror. Then it flies away, as the strains of "Don't Fear The Reaper" swells the soundtrack into the closing credits (and a cameo of two Blue Oyster Cult members themselves!). We are then reassured (as if we had any doubts) that "No Chicks Were Harmed In The Making Of This Film".
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