Faintheart
As the camera pans through a wood, subtitles suggest we're in Mercia, and its the 11th Century.
A line of viking warriors advances towards their foe, the Normans. Just as they stop to set a shield wall, Richard's (Eddie Marsan) mobile phone rings. His (ex) wife (Jessica Hynes) wants to know where he is. He should be at her dad's funeral.
To general derision, Richard runs across the battlefield, telling the narrator Geoff (Tim Healy) to 'start without me'. Minutes later, he's driving his battered old Volvo across town, as the remaining warriors do battle, giving a sorry display to the handful of specators. The lead Norman is not impressed and tells Geoff he's on his own if he can't do better.
Richard runs into the crematorium, still in full battle dress and sits beside his son Martin (Joseph Hamilton), wife and mother-in-law Barbara (Anne Reid). They are not impressed. As they leave the funeral, Cath cannot believe he'd either miss the funeral or not dress appropriately. Later, Richard is collecting his things from their house. Cath has thrown him out. He makes a half-baked attempt to say sorry only to have the door shut in his face.
The opening title sequence rolls, as Richard plays a home video of his and Cath's wedding, and various battles they did 'in the old days'. They had a viking themed wedding, a banquet, where Barbara and late husband look very awkward, they fought many a battle, circle of treachery, public events et al.
Julian, lying on the lower bunk in his bedroom, in the house he shares with his mum (Sandra Voe), waxes lyrically about love and life. Richard, in the upper bunk agrees. Julian's mum opens the door and tells him his battle dress is washed and hung up.The next morning, Richard arrives at his house to pick Martin up for school. Cath, dressed for work, is unimpressed at Richard's lame attempt to ask her out for a drink. "You really don't get this separation thing". Richard and Martin drive off, Martin looking downcast. They arrive at school, Martin walks up the drive, and Richard drives on to work.
In school, Martin is accosted by his bullies, but the PE teacher intervenes and sends them on their way. In class Emily (Chloe Hesar) is giving her talk on witches, which Martin finds impressive.
At the DIY store, Richard is trying to train his troups. His self-important supervisor is not impressed and sends him off to clean out a display toilet that some joker has used. As his shift ends, Richard looks at the picture of the Cern Abbus giant, with Cath pointing at the erection. He has an idea and drives over to the anonymous looking office block where Cath is sat in a management meeting, bored, drawing a unicorn.
The meeting chair looks out of the window to see Richard paint the CA giant on the grass, with a speech bubble asking her out. Cornered, she agrees. Richard is chased off the premises.
Julian has had an average day at his shop, arguing with customers on obscure points of the Star Trek canon, and seems to have set himself up with a date too, online. At the evening campfire, Richard wonders how to go about this date with Cath. Collin (Richard Ridings) suggests going back to the original spark that started it off. Richard feels inspired! They met at a local pub (still there), when a local band, long since disbanded, was playing.
Back at school, Martin has drawn a dragon for Emily, to impress her. Again, the bullies take a different view, and the PE teacher tries to give him a pep talk about surefire ways to get a date.Julian is closing up for the day, trying to get rid of the last small kid. He's horrified to discover 'Kim', his hot date, and the small kid (Matthew Leighton) are the same person. He ends, hours later, up pleading with the kid to 'go home', only to have Kim's frantic mum snatch him away, and himself arrested by the police.
Richard really thinks he's cracked the date, with a carefully staged 'private party' at the pub, two dressed up mates, a dummy with beer mats in its mouth, and 80s new romantic music on the CD. Cath doesn't agree, and tells him she's met someone else.
Martin's attempted romantic script withers on the spot as Emily fails to fall for it. Instead, he ends up in the school play.Feeling at the bottom of lousy, Julian is convinced he'll never meet anyone. Richard thinks otherwise, but is really more concerned about who his rival for Cath's affections is. Persuading Julian to help, he tries to covertly watch his house and identify the opposition. This works perfectly until Cath opens the car door. She explains to Richard that she's moved on. She used to enjoy it, but being turned into a camp follower killed the fun, and her new boyfried at least takes her places she wants to go.
Richard is horrified at this, as the truth starts to dawn on his world. Hitting the canned lager and drinking horn, he builds the dutch courage up to challenge his rival to a dual on the front lawn.Days later, the viking troupe is doing a display to Martin's class. Making the mistake of picking him in front of his class, Richard dresses him up and gets him to fight with quarterstaff. Winding his dad, Martin runs off, throwing his kit. Richard chases him and ends up vandalising the PE teacher's car as Martin's rejection of him becomes too much. He is humiliated in front of everyone but realises that he is the one who has to change.Julian, feeling very jumpy after his date, panics when Kim's mum, Maggie (Bronagh Gallagher) walks into the shop. After a tirade about stupidity and over-priced fan memorabilia, Julian plucks up the courage to ask her out, to which she agrees.
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