"it is anti-humane this anti-water bottle crusade."

lmao!  Do you actually work out, Lord and Master?  I exercise several times per week. I can't recall the last time I saw someone drinking a Dasani while sweating it out.  Most
have  re-useable bottles for spin classes, outdoor runs & rides.    
   
That said, to be fair,bottled water is my "go-to" rather than sugary drinks if  tap water is not a realistic option.