First off, it's beautifully shot and extremely well acted. In my eyes, Anya Taylor-Joy can do no wrong. So I'll have to blot this guff from my memory.

The dialogue is so crushingly poor it's hard to believe. Characters (or rather stock cliches) blurt out lines so overwhelmingly contrived I could not contain my laughter. Every scene bludgeons you over the head with its mediocre intentions. It's incredibly repetitive and starved for ideas. I was about to say it flows like the product of a writer's fever dream, but it's more like their snooziest of naps.

It commits the typical post-millennial crime of painting the recent past as a fantasy land where everyone is backwards. The first episode even spaffs out the line, "Girls don't play chess." I've never projectile-vomited towards a screen so hard in all my life.

It's one of the single most predictable experiences imaginable and deeply, deeply stupid. Then again, it's a Netflix show and, as such, panders heavily towards an audience it assumes is as dimwitted as the writers. Judging by the rave reviews, they're right.

Offensively trite.