Basically a crap film. Don't watch it.

Okay fine, IMDb rules state I can't just give you the short version of my review, so here goes. My angst with this movie began 6 months ago in seriously sexy Hong Kong. After enjoying the day molesting Chinese ladies whilst practicing my Cantonese (by which I mean I almost got date raped and robbed by a septic hooker with a fake sister) I thought, "It would be great to finish off my run-away-with-my-wiener-still-attached-to-me day at a top notch HK cinema, at least I could chill and enjoy a good movie, right?!" WRONG!!

It seemed like the numerous Gods we squabble over these days where having a good old pissy giggle at my expense ERGO I left the cinema feeling like a used tampon – enjoying my little time in heaven's ally just before being drowned in a river of clotted filth with no escape and then being tossed into a bin full of other rotting, swollen, wailing, blood monsters!

Anyone with a brain cell (or should I say a couple of neurones with synapses, axonal sheaths and working nodes of Ranvier...LOOK IT UP!) can tell you this movie was nothing more than a bully showing off his new 3D tricks whilst all the other kids looked up in awe and forgot that he was the bully and started worshiping his long shiny ____!

Essentially if you pulled the £200 Armani pants off this film you'll see this movie is nothing but an America-hates-all slash one-man-saves-the-world slash blue-is-the-new-black bestiality porno!! (There's a dick joke in there somewhere...). I'm not even black and I was offended by this film. Hollywood has this theory that all otherworldly creatures are basically Bantu and Zulu tribes whilst Americans are God's chosen people (no offense Jews) to spread the human seed everywhere and in the words of our favourite shampoo commercial "CORRUPT and go".

The story was predictable and stolen from Pocahontas, the acting was abysmal, the scenery and creature designs were all stolen from the final fantasy games, namely FFXII and the strange interspecies communion (by which I mean sex) using their stupid tails was just disturbing. I mean if I want to tame a horse I don't go and stick my knob in it do I? Finally, if I watch a 3D movie I want to be dodging and ducking from things flying at me from the screen not checking whether my thumbs still looks 3D with those stupid glasses on and then falling asleep, I can get a more entertaining 3D experience at Thorpe Park.

This movie had the potential to be something great, but like any school kid told they have potential it ultimately turned out be a pitiful American war movie set in Ivalice (the FFXII world) with overgrown African Smurfs everywhere having (inter- and intraspecies) sex with their tails. After being given the dog collar of "interesting movie" to wear it was as though the chain was pulled harshly back about 10 minutes into the film and I was left there hanging until my neck snapped. Oh and now it's out on DVD – Lord help us...

So, basically a crap film. Don't watch it.