GRADE: C-

THIS FILM IS NOT RECOMMENDED.

IN BRIEF: Despite some gorgeous cinematography and two strong and committed performances, the movie is slightly more grueling for moviegoing audiences to endure than its two fine actors.

JIM'S REVIEW: In comes the ominous fog that hangs over the film like a shroud of doom and gloom. Two seafarers stationed on a remote island tend to a lighthouse and descend into madness in critical darling Robert Eggers' mood piece, The Lighthouse. The film is one of the best lensed film of the year and one of most pretentious films of any year.

There is an aura of mystery from the start. But eeriness can only take you so far. The story has to be there. It's not. Moviegoers spend nearly two hours watching two 19th century lighthouse keepers named Ephraim and Thomas play a battle of witlessness as they argue, bicker, eat, drink, and fart their way through the stormy days. The screenplay by Max Eggar and the director is pure tedium as it depicts events that are real or imagined. Some may call the resulting narrative poetic and haunting. Not me. I was bored by the lack of action and squirmed at the overblown dialog. (The audience around me sat silently throughout, which led me to believe they were either in rapt attention or fast asleep. I think the latter.)

This is High Art, the kinda going experience in which critics are bowled over by the visual beauty. And let me say right here that Janin Blaschke's cinematography is absolutely stunning and deserving of an Oscar. He shoots the movie in a square Movietone format, similar to films from the silent movie era, in glorious black & white tones. Every scene is beautifully composed and artistically rendered. Special mention also goes out to Craig Lathrop's moody production design.

It seems that a new genre of artful independent films has officially arrived. Movies I would call Atmospheric Psycho Babble. To fall into this category, a film must be directed with consummate skill and deft craftsmanship, usually with a visionary director at the helm. (Lars von Trier, David Lynch, Ari Aster, and this director come to mind.) The criteria also includes: loud sound effects, strong surreal visuals, a dissonant music score, heavy symbolism, an oppressive theme, gratitious nudity, and an interesting premise that peters out at the midway mark and loses all logic from that point. It's The Emperor's New Clothes School of Filmmaking, a grandiose movie that relies solely of stunning imagery over storytelling, all style over no substance.

Much of the film's success depends upon the actors in this two character psychological study. Both actors are very good in their very physical and grueling performances and deserve better material. They may not win an Oscar, but they certainly earn a Purple Heart for their yeomanlike duties in this movie. Robert Pattinson, looking like a young and handsome Daniel Day Lewis, is Ephraim. The actor spends most of the film doing grunt work: carrying heavy metal containers, cleaning out chamber pots, becoming waterlogged working in the rain, trudging through knee-deep mud, masturbating on call. Yet he is able to make his one-dimensional character come to life. Willem Dafoe plays Thomas as a cross between Van Gogh's postman Joseph Roulin, Captain Ahab or Crunch (take your pick), and the Sea Captain from The Simpsons. As written, it is an truly absurd caricature, but bless the God Poseidon, Mr. Dafoe is always entertaining and he is, once again, a riveting screen presence.

But the film. Da she blows. And the Artsy Fartsy (literally) Award goes to....